diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-8.txt | 1793 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 33767 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1433160 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/15453-h.htm | 2669 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/169.png | bin | 0 -> 29242 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/170.png | bin | 0 -> 202879 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/171.png | bin | 0 -> 161093 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/172.png | bin | 0 -> 41001 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/173-1.png | bin | 0 -> 25440 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/173-2.png | bin | 0 -> 30654 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/174.png | bin | 0 -> 181718 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/175.png | bin | 0 -> 269469 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/177.png | bin | 0 -> 37041 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/178.png | bin | 0 -> 67876 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/179.png | bin | 0 -> 320478 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/180-1.png | bin | 0 -> 7568 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/180-2.png | bin | 0 -> 10970 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453-h/images/180-3.png | bin | 0 -> 8378 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453.txt | 1794 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15453.zip | bin | 0 -> 33735 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
23 files changed, 6272 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15453-8.txt b/15453-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..23fd6e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1793 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 15, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 15, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: March 24, 2005 [EBook #15453] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +October 15, 1892. + + + + +'ARRY AT 'ARRYGATE. + +(_SECOND LETTER._) + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--The post-mark, no doubt, will surprise you. I'm + still at the "Crown," + Though I said in my last--wot wos true--I was jest on the mizzle + for town. + 'Ad a letter from nunky, old man, with another small cheque. Good + old nunk! + So I'm in for a fortnit' more sulphur and slosh, afore doing a bunk. + + Ah! I've worked it, my pippin, I've worked it; gone in for + hexcursions all round, + To Knaresborough, Bolton, and Fountains. You know, dear old pal, + I'll be bound, + As hantiquities isn't my 'obby, and ruins don't fetch me, not much! + I can't see their "beauty," no more than the charms of some dowdy + old Dutch. + + A Castle, all chunnicks of stone, or a Habbey, much out of repair, + A skelinton Banquetting 'All, and a bit of a broken-down stair, + May appear most perticular "precious" to them as the picteresk cops; + But give me the sububs and stucco, smart villas, and + spick-and-span shops. + + "Up to date" is our _siney quay non_ in these days. _Fang der + sickle_, yer know. + Wich is French for the same, I persoom, and them phrases is now + all the go. + Find 'em sprinkled all over the papers; in politics, fashion, or + art, + If you carnt turn 'em slick round yer tongue, you ain't modern, or + knowing, or smart. + + Still a houting to Bolton ain't bad when the _charry-bang's_ well + loaded up + With swell seven-and-sixpence-a-headers. _I_ felt like a tarrier-pup + On the scoop arter six weeks of kennel and drench in the 'ands of + a vet; + I'd got free of the brimstoney flaviour and went it accordin', you + bet! + + 'Ad a day at a village called Birstwith. The most tooralooralest + scene, + 'Oiler down among 'ills, dontcher know, ancient trees and a jolly + big green. + Reglar old Rip-van-Winkleish spot, sech as CALDECOTT ought to ha' + sketched. + Though I ain't noways nuts on the pastoral, even Yours Truly wos + fetched. + + Pooty sight and no error, old pal! 'Twos a grand "Aughticultural + Show," + So the "Progrum of Sports" told the public. Fruit, flowers, and + live poultry, yer know. + Big markee and a range of old 'en-coops, sports, niggers, a smart + local band, + Cottage gardemn', cheese, roosters, and races! Rum mix, but I gave + it a 'and. + + I do like to hencourage the joskins. One thing though, wos + fiddle-de-dee, + They 'ad a "Refreshment Tent," CHARLIE. 'Oh my! Ginger-ale and + weak tea! + Nothink stronger, old pal, s'elp me bob! Fancy _me_ flopping down + on a form + A-munching plum-putty, and lapping Bohea as wos not even warm! + + This 'ere 'Arrygate's short of amusements. There's niggers and + bands on the "Stray" + (Big lumpy old field in a 'ole, wich if properly managed might pay.) + Mysterious Minstrels with masks on, a bleating contralto in black, + With a orful tremoler, my pippin!--yus, these are the pick of the + pack. + + Bit sick of "_Ta-ra-ra_" and "_Knocked 'em_;" "_Carissimar_" gives + me the 'ump, + For I 'ear it some six times per morning; and then there's a footy + old pump + Blows staggery toons on a post-'orn for full arf a-hour each day, + To muster the mugs for a coach-drive. My heye and a bandbox, it's + gay! + + At the "Crown" we git up little barnies, to eke out the 'Arrygate + lot, + For even the Spa's a bit samesome for six times a week when it's + 'ot; + Though they do go it pooty permiskus with pickter-shows, concerts, + and such; + Yus, I must say they ladles it out fair and free, for a sixpenny + touch. + + But even yer Fancy Dress Balls, and yer lectures by ANNIE BESANT, + All about Hastral Bodies and Hether, seems not always _quite_ wot + yer want + To wile away time arter dinner. So thanks to that + gent--six-foot-four!-- + Who fair cuts the record as Droring-Room M.C.--of course + _hammytoor_. + + Then we've conjurors, worblers, phrenologists! One 'ad a go at + _my_ chump. + 'E touzled my 'air up tremenjus, and said I'd no hend of a bump + Of somethink he called "Happrybativeness." Feller meant well, I + suppose, + But I didn't quite relish his smile, nor his rummy remarks on my + nose. + + When a tall gurl as pooty as paint, and with cheeks like a + blush--rose in bloom, + 'As 'er lamps all a-larf on yer face, and a giggle goes round the + whole room, + 'Tisn't nice to sit square on a chair, with a feller a-sharpening + 'is wit + On your nob, and a rumpling your 'air till it's like a birch-broom + in a fit! + + One caper we 'ad, on the lawn, wos a spree and no error, old man. + They call it a "Soap-Bubble Tournyment." Soapsuds, a pipe, and a + fan, + Four six--foot posts stuck in the ground with a tape run + around--them's the "props," + And lawn-tennis ain't in it for larks. Oh, the ladies did larf, + though tip-tops! + + Bit sniffy fust off. "Oh!" sez they, "wot a most _hintellectual_ + game!" + But I noticed that them as sneered most wos most anxious to win, + all the same, + The gent he stands slap in the middle, and tries to blow bubbles + like fun, + Wich his pardner fans over the tape; don't it jest keep the girls + on the run! + + Every bubble as crosses the tape afore busting counts one to that + pair, + And the pair as counts most wins the prize. They are timed by a + hegg-boiler. There! + It _wos_ all a pantermime, CHARLIE, to see 'ow them gurls scooted + round, + Jest like Japanese jugglers, a-fanning the bubbles, as _would_ 'ug + the ground. + + Some gents wos fair frosts at the bizness; one good-'earted trim + little toff + Would blow with the bowl wrong end uppards. His pardner went pink + and flounced off. + He gurgled away like a babe with a pap-bottle, guggle--gug--gug! + And I 'eard 'er a-giving 'im beans as 'e mizzled, much down in the + mug. + + Owsomever, it ain't for amusements as 'Arrygate lays itself hout; + So, dear boy, it's for doses and douches; and there it scores + freely, no doubt, + Wy, there's thirty-two Springs in the Bog Field--a place like a + graveyard gone wrong-- + Besides Starbeck, the Tewit, and others, all narsty, and most on + 'em strong. + + Since Sir SLINGSBY discovered the first one, now close on three + cent'ries ago, + Wot a lush of mixed mineral muck these 'ere 'Arrygate Springs 'ave + let flow! + Well, ere's bully for Brimstone, my bloater, and 'ooray for + 'Arrygate air! + Wich 'as done me most good I don't know, and I'm scorched if I + very much care! + + I know 'Arrygate girls cop the biscuit for beauty. They've cheeks + like the rose, + Their skin is jest strorberries and cream; it's the sulphur, dear + boy, I suppose. + As for me, I look yaller as taller alongside 'em CHARLIE, wus luck! + I 'eard one call me saffron-faced sparrer, and jest as I thought + 'er fair struck. + + I'd nail 'em, in time, I've no doubt, when I once got the 'ang of + their style. + There's a gal at the Montpellier Baths. Scissoree! 'ow I've tried + for a smile, + When she tips me my tannersworth! Shucks! she's as orty and stiff + as yer please. + Primrose Dames isn't in it for snubs with these arrygant + 'Arrygatese! + + But I reckon my "Douche" is now due. Doctor BLACK's that + pertikler, old man. + These 'Arrygate doctors 'ave progrums--you've got to pan out to + their plan. + Up early, two swigs afore breakfust, and tubs when they tell yer's + the rule. + Well, the feller as flies to a Sawbones, and _don't_ toe the line + is a fool. + + Reglar Doctor-Shop, 'Arrygate is; see their photos all over the + town. + Mine is doing me dollups of good; I'm quite peckish, and jest a + bit brown. + I'm making the most of my time, and a-laying in all I can carry. + So 'ere ends this budget of brimstone and baths from your + sulphur-soaked + +'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FROG HE WOULD A-ROWING GO! + +A SAD SONG OF THE INTERNATIONAL BOAT RACE. + +(_WITH MR. PUNCH'S CORDIAL COMPLIMENTS TO THE VICTORIOUS FRENCH +EIGHT_.) + +AIR--"_A Frog he would a-Wooing go_." + + A FROGGIE would a-rowing go, + Heigho for Rowing! + To see if Big BULLIE could lick him or no; + With his boating form that's all gammon and spinach. + Heigho for British Rowing! + + So off he set with his boating-cap, + Heigho for Rowing! + And swore at Big BULL he would just have a slap! + Which BULL declared was all gammon and spinach! + Heigho for British Rowing! + + "Pray, Mr. BULL, will you race with me?" + Heigho for Rowing! + Says BULL, "If you like, but 'tis fiddle-de-dee! + For FROG against BULL is all gammon and spinach." + Heigho for British Rowing! + + When they came to Andresy upon the Seine, + Heigho for Rowing! + Big BULL pulled his hardest, but pulled in vain, + For he found his boasts were all gammon and spinach. + Heigho for British Rowing! + + For in spite of the brag, and the bounce, and the chaff, + Heigho for Rowing! + The FROG beat the BULL by a length and a half, + With your MOSSOP and JAMES, licked by BOUDIN and CUZIN, + Heigho, says R.C. LEHMANN! + + "Pray, Mr. BULL, do you relish the spin?" + Heigho for Rowing! + (Said FROGGIE.) "And were you cocksure you would win, + With your forty-one strokes all sheer gammon and spinach?" + Heigho for British Rowing! + + "Humph! Regular take-down!" said Big Mr. BULL-- + Heigho for Rowing! + "But, FROGGIE or not, by the lord you can _pull_, + With your much-decried 'hang,'--'twas all gammon and spinach! + Heigho for British Rowing!" + + "Ha! Ha!" cried the FROG, "the old fable, thought true"-- + Heigho for Rowing! + "Is out of date now. I'm as big, BULL, as _you_, + As an oarsman, which is _not_ all gammon and spinach!" + Heigho for British Rowing. + + So that in the end (for the present), you see, + Heigho for Rowing! + Of the race between Big BULL and Little FROGGIE. + BULL's fame, in a boat, seems all gammon and spinach. + Heigho for British Rowing! +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOOKING AHEAD. + +_Miss Golightly_ (_the Friend of the Family, and to whom Sir Percy +(the elder) has proposed_). "OF COURSE I'M AWFULLY OBLIGED, SIR +PERCY--BUT, SAY NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME DANGER OF +MY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR ELDEST SON?"] + + * * * * * + +MR. CHAUNCEY DEPEW, the well-known American lawyer, wonders why on +earth the British Government has not long ago given Home Rule to +Ireland. He encourages Mr. G.'s Ministry to do their best in this +direction, and chaunce-y it. We're always delighted to welcome Mr. +CHAUNCEY DEPEW in England, so let him come over with a Depewtation +to Mr. G. on the subject. + + * * * * * + +EQUESTRIAN FRUIT.--At the Horticultural Show the Baroness +BURDETT-COUTTS exhibited a "Cob of ADAM's Early Maize." No particulars +are given. Was it 14'1 and a weight-carrier? Being ADAM's, it must be +about the oldest in the world. "Maize" may be a misprint for "Mews." +Next time the Baroness must send a pear. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE DEDUCTION.--A pertinacious Salvation Army Captain was +worrying a Scotch farmer, whom he had met in the train, with perpetual +inquiries as to whether "he had been born again of Water and the +Spirit?" At last, MCSANDY replied, "Aweel, I dinna reetly ken how +that may be, but my good old feyther and mither took their toddy +releegiously every nicht, the noo." + + * * * * * + +THE AUSTRO-GERMAN OFFICER'S VADE-MECUM. + +_Q._ You have heard of the Ride from Berlin to Vienna, and _vice +versâ_? + +_A._ Yes; and of the mishaps that befell many of the competitors. + +_Q._ You mean their horses? + +_A._ What applies to the one applies to the other. + +_Q._ Some of the poor steeds died on the journey? + +_A._ I daresay--of course, it was hard work. + +_Q._ And you have read that, even when the poor horses were fainting +and refusing food, the riders still went on? + +_A._ Of course. The riders had magnificent pluck and nerve. + +_Q._ What, to observe the anguish of their chargers without emotion? + +_A._ No! The idea! I mean they had pluck and nerve in spite of all +discouragement to push on to the winning-post. + +_Q._ And what do you think this breaking down of the horses proved? + +_A._ That, after all, the creatures were brutes--only brutes! + +_Q._ Does not the suffering of these brutes suggest-- + +_A._ That the riders were brutes too?--Ah! + + [_No further question put, the Answerer having mastered the + subject._ + + * * * * * + +IN EXCELSIS.--No better example of the methods employed by +Vivisectionists could be given than was presented at the Church +Congress last week, where in debate on this subject they were all +engaged in cutting up one another. The Bishop of EDINBURGH, denouncing +the morality of the Bishop of MANCHESTER and of Bishop BARRY, was a +rare sight. His Lordship said that the morality of these two Bishops +was "up in a balloon." Well, surely this is morality of the most +elevated description. These Bishops are not "_in partibus_," but _in +nubibus_. + + * * * * * + +IN WATER COLOURS.--The East London Waterworks Company had a very +successful meeting the other day. _Inter alia_ the Chairman said, +that "the Waltham Well is a complete success." _Ergo_ let Well alone. +That from this source they still supplied "36 gallons per head." The +heads must be uncommonly hard to stand all this water on the brain. A +dividend of eight per cent. is, after all, a very pleasant draught. + + * * * * * + +"GREEN THE GUIDE." + +(_A SKETCH ON A "ROYAL BLUE" CAR AT JERSEY._) + + _On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a + tall hat, with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with + a stouter Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple + of young "Shop-ladies"; a Morose Young Man, who has "got + out of bed the wrong side" that morning, and another, who + has begun his potations rather early, and is in the muzzily + talkative mood. The Car is one of a long string of similar + vehicles, and is proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the + winding roads._ + +_The Muzzy Man_. Frivolous, am I? Well, we _came_ 'ere to be +frivolous--to a certain extent. Am I out of the way in anything I've +said? Because I woke this morning with a dry month, and I don't mind +saying I've had a little drop o' brandy since. + +_His Neighbour_. You might let people find out that for themselves, +_I_ should think! + +_The Muzzy M._ No--I like to be honest and straightforward, I do. I +don't want to be out of the _way_, you understand. + +_The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Neighbour_). This is a pretty part +of the road we're on now--but, lor! there's nothing 'ere to come up to +the Isle of Man. Douglas, now--that _is_ a nice place, with all them +Music Halls! And the scenery--why, I'm sure I felt sometimes as if I +_must_ stop, just to _look_ at it! + +_The Muzzy Man_. I consider scenery we're coming to most beautiful +I've seen for--for miles around. [_He goes to sleep._ + +[Illustration: "An elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity +of wraps."] + +_The Shopkeeper_ (_to the Elderly G., who is shifting and turning +about uneasily_). Lost anything, Sir? + +_The E.G._ No--thank you, no. I was looking to see whether GREEN the +Guide was on the car. (_Shouts of laughter are heard from the car +behind._) Ah, _that's_ GREEN the Guide! I wish he'd come on our +oar--very amusing fellow, Sir--capital company! + +_The Morose M._ (_to the Young Lady 'on his Left_) Who's GREEN the +Guide? + +_The Y.L._ Oh, don't you know? He comes with the cars and makes jokes +and all that. I hope he'll come to us. + +_The Mor. M._ _I_ don't. I can do that sort of thing for myself if I +want to, I hope. [_With a scowl._ + +_The Y.L._ Well, there's no harm in _hoping_! + +_The Serious Comm. T._ (_to his neighbour--one of the Shop-ladies_). +So you come from Birmingham? Dear me, now. I used to be there very +often on business at one time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. PODGER there? +A good old gentleman, he is. I used to attend his Chapel regular--most +improving discourses he used to give us. I am fond of a good Sermon, +aren't you? &c. + + [_He imagines--not altogether correctly--that he is producing + an agreeable impression._ + +_A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and Cloth-cap._ +Scarborough? Yes, I've _been_ there--but I don't care about it much. +You have to _dress_ such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come out +just as I am! + + [_The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is + beginning to flag--when the car is boarded by a stalwart + good-looking man, carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather + shoulder-belt with "GREEN the Guide" in brass letters upon + it; the Elderly Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome + him with effusion, while the Younger Men appear to resent + his appearance._ + +_The Mor. M._ (_sotto voce_). If he's going to play that old +instrument of torture, I shall _howl_, that's all! + +_Green the Guide_ (_in a deep baritone voice_). Well, Ladies +and Gentlemen, I congratulate you upon having a fine day for our +excursion. My glass went up three feet this morning. + +_The Morose Man_ (_aggressively_). Was there whiskey inside it? + +_Green the Guide_. No, Sir, it would have gone down suddenly if there +had been. (_The_ Elderly G. _asks for a song_.) I shall be delighted +to entertain you to the best of my ability. What would you like to +have? + +_The Mor. M._ None of your songs--give us an imitation--of a deaf and +dumb man. + +_Green the G._ (_with perfect good-humour_). I shall be happy to do +the deaf man, Sir,--if you'll help me by doing the dumb. (_The_ Mor. +M. _begins to feel that he had better leave_ GREEN the Guide _alone._) +Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll sing you a good old-fashioned +hunting-song, and I'll ask you to join me in the Chorus. + + [_He sings "We'll all go out hunting to-day!"_ + +_The Mor. M._ (_after the First Verse_). The beggar don't sing so +badly. I will say _that_ for him! (_After the Third._) Capital voice +he has! Rattling good Chorus, too! "Join the glad throng that goes +laughing along, and we'll all go a-hunting to-day!" (_At the end._) +Bravo! encore! encore! + + [_His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously restored._ + +_Green the G._ (_in a tone of instruction_). You will notice that the +thistle is very abundant just here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The reason +of _that_, is that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part of +the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of thistledown. +(_Outcry of incredulity_.) If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman. + +_The Coachman_ (_stolidly_). It's a fact, Gentlemen, I assure you. + +_G. the G._ The soil of Jersey is remarkably productive; if you plant +a sixpence, it will come up a shilling in no time. The cabbages on +this island grow to an extraordinary height, frequently attaining +twenty feet--(_outcry_)--yes, if you measure up one side, and down the +other. (_They pass a couple of sheep on a slope._) The finest flock +of sheep in the island. The dark one is not black, only a little +sunburnt. The house you see on that hill over there was formerly slept +in by CHARLES THE SECOND. He left a pair of slippers behind him--which +have since grown into top-boots. There you see the only windmill in +this part of the island--there _used_ to be three, but it was found +there was not enough wind for them all. From here you have a clear +view of the coast of France; and, when the wind is blowing in this +direction, you have an excellent opportunity of acquiring the French +accent in all its purity. (_This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts +meets with a success beyond their intrinsic merits, the_ Morose Man +_being as much entertained as anybody._) On your right is an inland +lake of fresh water-- + +_The Muzzy Man_ (_waking up with sudden interest_). Can you drink it +with perfect impunity? + +_G. the G._ Depends how far you are accustomed to it as a beverage, +Sir. (_The car stops at an hotel._) We stop here two hours, Ladies and +Gentlemen, to enable you to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards. +You can leave anything you like on the cars except five-pound +notes--and they _might_ get blown away! + +ON THE WAY HOME. + +_The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Husband_). Ah, TOM, it's just as +well you stayed behind--you'd never have got through those caves! You +wouldn't believe I could ha' done it unless you'd seen me--clambering +down iron ladders, and jumping on to rocks, and squeezing through +tunnels, and then up a cliff like the side of a house. I do _wish_ you +could ha' seen me, TOM! + +_Tom_ (_philosophically_). Ah, well, I was very comfortable where I +was, settin' in the hotel room there, smoking my pipe. GREEN the Guide +gave us, "_Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep_," in first-rate style--he +is a _singer_, and no mistake! + +_His Wife_. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to sing--I'd ha' stayed +too! But here he is, waiting by the road for us--I do hope he's going +to sing again! + +_Green the G._ (_mounting the car_). I fear I am an unwelcome visitor. + +_The Eld. G._ (_graciously_). It would be the first time in your life +then, GREEN! + +_G. the G._ Well, the fact is, I come to levy a little contribution on +behalf of myself and the Coachman. Times are hard, Gentlemen, and both +of us have large families to support. If you don't believe me, ask +the Coachman. (_The Elderly G. explains that his wrappings prevent +him from getting at his purse just then, while the others contribute +with more or less readiness and liberality_.) Many thanks. Ladies and +Gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the Coachman, and to express my +sense of your generosity, I will sing you the great Jersey National +Song, composed by myself, before leaving. (_He sings a ditty with the +following spirited Chorus_):-- + + There the streets are paved with granite. So neat and clean + And lots of pretty, witty girls, are always to be seen! + With the brave old Mi-litia, Our foes to defy! + And there they grow the Cabba-ges--Ten feet high! + (_All together, Gentlemen, please_!) Yes, there they grow the + Cabbages, there they grow the Cabbages, there they grow + the Cabbages--Ten feet high! + +Thank you, Gentlemen, I've sung that song a number of times, and I +never remember hearing the chorus better sung. If you don't believe +me, ask the Coachman. + +_Coachman._ _I've_ never 'eard it better sung, Ladies and Gentlemen, +I assure you. + + [_GREEN the Guide descends in a blaze of popularity, and the + "Royal Blue" rolls on in excellent spirits._ + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL TRAINING. + +_Monday_.--Read Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's remarks on abstinence from bodily +exercise. Sold my bicycle, and gave away all my rackets, bats, &c. +Resolved to follow the latest system. Shall doubtless, by these means, +reach Mr. C.'s high position as a statesman and orator. Went out +in a Bath-chair. Five minutes after starting, man said he was not +accustomed to drag so heavy an invalid, and must rest a little. Tried +a speech--my maiden one--on the Disadvantages of Bodily Exercise. He +listened respectfully, and, when at last I had finished, said he quite +agreed with me, and that the fare was seven shillings. + +_Tuesday_.--Have decided that exercise in a Bath-chair is quite +superfluous. Resolved to take exercise, for the future, in a hammock, +just outside the garden-door. Must practise speech-making to the +gardener. Good idea--Orchids. Asked him what he thought about the new +Orchid. Miserable fool answered, "Awkud, zur? Dunno waht thaht be." +I said that was "awkud," and had to laugh at the highly original +side-splitter myself, as he never saw it. + +_Wednesday_.--Must really give up this long walk to the garden-door. +Shall never become a great statesman unless I do. Resolved to take +exercise in arm-chair in library. The children's governess came in +to fetch a book. Addressed her at some length on Free Education. +Afterwards, thought this subject was somewhat ill-chosen, as her +salary is so small. + +_Thursday_.--Really cannot stand this walking up and down stairs. +Shall remain for the future in my bed-room and take exercise on sofa +by fireside, as I feel chilly. Page came in with coals. Reminded me of +Policy of Scuttle. Spoke of this at some length, and woke him up with +difficulty when I had finished. Felt rather unwell. + +_Friday_.--Dressing and undressing is certainly needless fatigue, +and evidently causes this headache and general seediness. Shall take +exercise in bed. Felt worse. Female relatives anxious, and insist on +medical attendance. Assured them I was following the best system, and +answered their persistent demands by a short address on Home Rule. + +_Saturday_.--Felt so bad at five this morning, that Doctor was +fetched. Tried feebly to address him on the Eight Hours' Question, +when he said he never had any time to think how long he worked. +Explained my new system to him. He said I should myself want a new +system to stand such a course of treatment. Then he pulled me out of +bed, and insisted on my walking ten miles as soon as I was dressed. +Felt much better. Shall abandon politics and become a farmer, having +just heard of an infallible system for growing wheat profitably. + + * * * * * + +THE "RESTORATION" PERIOD.--Will the Chairmen of the L.C. & D. and the +S.E. Lines unite their forces? After the meeting on this subject last +week, Sir EDWARD will have lots of reason to listen to. But apart from +every consideration of _mal de mer_, and "From Calais to Dover," as +the poet sings "'Tis soonest over," there is not anywhere a better, +and we, who have suffered as greatly as the much-enduring Ulysses, +venture to assert not anywhere as good a luncheon as at the +"Restauration" (well it deserves the title!) of the Calais Station. +Every patriotic travelling Englishman must be delighted to think that +some few centuries ago we gave up Calais. Had it been nowadays in +English hands, why it might even now be possessed of a "Refreshment +Room" no better than--any on our side of the Channel, for there is no +necessity to particularise. From Dover to Calais is the shortest and +best restorative'd route for the traveller, whether ill or well, at +sea. + + * * * * * + +MOTTOES for the new Lord MAYOR. "_Nil obstet_," "_Nil fortius_," and, +from HORACE, "_Nil amplius oro_." This, in answer to thousands of +correspondents, is our last word on the subject; so after this (except +on the 9th of November), we say--_nil_. + + * * * * * + +SUCH A "LIGHT OPERA!" + +[Illustration: "Pity a Poo' Bar-itone!"] + +Had Sir ARTHUR written the music for _The Mountebanks_, and Sir BRIAN +DE BOIS GILBERT the book of _Haddon Hall_, both might have been big +successes So, however, it was not to be, and Sir ARTHUR chose this +book by Mr. GRUNDY, which labours under the disadvantages of being +original, and of not owing almost everything to a French source. It +isn't every day of the week that Mr. GRUNDY tumbles upon _A Pair of +Spectacles_ in a volume of French plays. The period to which the very +slight and uninteresting story of _Haddon Hall_ belongs is just before +the Restoration, but the dialogue of "the book" is spiced with modern +slang, both "up to date" (the date being this present year of Grace, +not sixteen hundred and sixty) and out of date. The "out-of-date" +slang, which is, "_I've got 'em on"_--alluding to the Scotchman's +trousers--has by far the best of it, as it comes at the end of the +piece, and enjoys the honour of having been set to music by the +variously-gifted Composer: so that "_I've got 'em on_," with its +enthusiastically treble-encored whiskey fling, capitally danced by +Miss NITA COLE as _Nance_, with Mr. DENNY as _The McCrankie_, may be +considered as the real hit of the evening, having in itself about +as much to do with whatever there is of the plot as would have the +entrance of Mr. JOEY GRIMALDI, in full Clown's costume, with "Here +we are again!" Of the music, as there was very little to catch and +take away, one had to leave it. Of course this seriously comic or +comically serious Opera is drawing--["_Music_," observes Mr. WAGG, +parenthetically, "cannot be _drawing_"]--and will continue to do +so for some little time, long enough at all events to reimburse +Mr. D'OYLY CARTE for his more than usually lavish outlay on the +_mise-en-scčne._ + + [Illustration:"Christmas is comin'!" + The McClown of McClown dancing. + The Reel Hit of the Opera. + +In the Second Act, the mechanical change from the exterior of Haddon +Hall to the interior, must be reckoned as among the most effective +transformations ever seen on any stage. It would be still more so if +the time occupied in making it were reduced one-half, and the storm +in the orchestra, and the lightning seen through black gauze on stage +were omitted. The lightning frightens nobody, only amuses a few, +and in itself is no very great attraction. Even if these flashes +were a very striking performance; no danger to the audience need +be apprehended from it, seeing that Mr. CELLIER is in front as +"Conductor." Perhaps Mr. D'OYLY CARTE, noticing that Mr. GRUNDY calls +his piece "a light Opera," thought that, as it wasn't quite up to this +description, it would be as well if the required "light'ning" were +brought in somewhere, and so he introduced it here. If this be so, it +is about the only flash of genius in the performance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POST-PRANDIAL PESSIMISTS. + +SCENE--_The Smoking-room at the Decadents._ + +_First Decadent_ (_M.A. Oxon._). "AFTER ALL, SMYTHE, WHAT WOULD LIFE +BE WITHOUT COFFEE?" + +_Second Decadent_ (_B.A. Camb._). "TRUE, JEOHNES, TRUE! AND YET, AFTER +ALL, WHAT IS LIFE _WITH_ COFFEE?"] + + * * * * * + +"CROSSING THE BAR." + +IN MEMORIAM. + +ALFRED LORD TENNYSON. + +BORN, AUGUST 5, 1809. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1892. + +"TALIESSEN is our fullest throat of song."--_The Holy Grail_. + + Our fullest throat of song is silent, hushed + In Autumn, when the songless woods are still, + And with October's boding hectic flushed + Slowly the year disrobes. A passionate thrill + Of strange proud sorrow pulses through the land, + His land, his England, which he loved so well: + And brows bend low, as slow from strand to strand + The Poet's passing bell + Sends forth its solemn note, and every heart + Chills, and sad tears to many an eyelid start. + + Sad tears in sooth! And yet not wholly so. + Exquisite echoes of his own swan-song + Forbid mere murmuring mournfulness; the glow + Of its great hope illumes us. Sleep, thou strong + Full tide, as over the unmeaning bar + Fares this unfaltering darer of the deep, + Beaconed by a Great Light, the pilot-star + Of valiant souls, who keep + Through the long strife of thought-life free from scathe + The luminous guidance of the larger faith. + + No sadness of farewell? Great Singer, crowned + With lustrous laurel, facing that far light, + In whose white radiance dark seems whelmed and drowned, + And death a passing shade, of meaning slight; + Sunset, and evening star, and that clear call, + The twilight shadow, and the evening bell, + Bring naught of gloom for thee. Whate'er befall + Thou must indeed fare well. + But we--we have but memories now, and love + The plaint of fond regret will scarce reprove. + + Great singer, he, and great among the great, + Or greatness hath no sure abiding test. + The poet's splendid pomp, the shining state + Of royal singing robes, were his, confest, + By slowly growing certitude of fame, + Since first, a youth, he found fresh-opening portals + To Beauty's Pleasure-House. Ranked with acclaim + Amidst the true Immortals, + The amaranth fields with native ease he trod, + Authentic son of the lyre-bearing god. + + Fresh portals, untrod pleasaunces, new ways + In Art's great Palace, shrined in Nature's heart, + Sought the young singer, and his limpid lays, + O'er sweet, perchance, yet made the quick blood start + To many a cheek mere glittering; rhymes left cold. + But through the gates of Ivory or of Horn + His vivid vision flocked, and who so bold + As to repulse with scorn + The shining troop because of shadowy birth. + Of bodiless passion, or light tinkling mirth? + + But the true god-gift grows. Sweet, sweet, still sweet + As great Apollo's lyre, or Pan's plain reed, + His music flowed, but slowly he out-beat + His song to finer issues. Fingers fleet, + That trifled with the pipe-stops, shook grand sound + From the great organ's golden mouths anon. + A mellow-measured might, a beauty bound + (As Venus with her zone) + By that which shaped from chaos Earth, Air, Sky, + The unhampering restraint of Harmony. + + Hysteric ecstasy, new fierce, now faint, + But ever fever-sick, shook not his lyre + With epileptic fervours. Sensual taint + Of satyr heat, or bacchanal desire, + Polluted not the passion of his song; + No corybantic clangor clamoured through + Its manly harmonies, as sane as strong; + So that the captious few + Found sickliness in pure Elysian balm, + And coldness in such high Olympian calm. + +[Illustration: "CROSSING THE BAR." + "TWILIGHT AND EVENING BELL, AND AFTER THAT THE DARK" + "AND MAY THERE BE NO SADNESS OF FAREWELL, WHEN I EMBARK."--TENNYSON.] + + Impassioned purity, high minister + Of spirit's joys, was his, reserved, restrained. + His song was like the sword Excalibur + Of his symbolic knight; trenchant, unstained. + It shook the world of wordly baseness, smote + The Christless heathendom of huckstering days. + There is no harshness in that mellow note, + No blot upon those bays; + For loyal love and knightly valour rang + Through rich immortal music when he sang. + + ARTHUR, his friend, the Modern Gentleman, + ARTHUR, the hero, his ideal Knight, + Inspired his strains. From fount to flood they ran + A flawless course of melody and light. + A Christian chivalry shone in his song + From Locksley Hall to shadowy Lyonnesse, + Whence there stand forth two figures, stately, strong, + Symbols of spirit's stress; + The blameless King, saintship with scarce a blot, + And song's most noble sinner, LANCELOT. + + Lover of England, lord of English hearts, + Master of English speech, painter supreme + Of English landscape! Patriot passion starts + A-flame, pricked by the words that glow and gleam + In those imperial pćans, which might arm + Pale cowards for the fray. Touched by his hand + The simple sweetness, and the homely charm + Of our green garden-land + Take on a witchery as of Arden's glade, + Or verdant Vallombrosa's leafy shade. + + The fragrant fruitfulness of wood and wold, + Of flowery upland, and of orchard-lawn, + Lit by the lingering evening's softened gold, + Or flushed with rose-hued radiance of the dawn; + Bird-music beautiful; the robin's trill, + Or the rook's drowsy clangour; flats that run + From sky to sky, dusk woods that drape the hill, + Still lakes that draw the sun; + All, all are mirror'd in his verse, and there + Familiar beauties shine most strangely fair. + + Poet, the pass-key magical was thine, + To Beauty's Fairy World, in classic calm + Or rich romantic colour. Bagdat's shrine + By sheeny Tigris, Syrian pool and palm, + Avilion's bowery hollows, Ida's peak, + The lily-laden Lotos land, the fields + Of amaranth! What may vagrant Fancy seek + More than thy rich song yields, + Of Orient odour, Faëry wizardry, + Or soft Arcadian simplicity? + + From all, far Faëry Land, Romance's realm, + Green English homestead, cloud-crown'd Attic hill, + The Poet passes--whither? Not the helm + Of wounded ARTHUR, lit by light that fills + Avilion's fair horizons, gleamed more bright + Than does that leonine laurelled visage now, + Fronting with steadfast look that mystic Light. + Grave eye, and gracious brow + Turn from the evening bell, the earthly shore, + To face the Light that floods him evermore. + + Farewell! How fitlier should a poet pass + Than thou from that dim chamber and the gleam + Of poor earth's purest radiance? Love, alas! + Of that strange scene must long in sorrow dream. + But we--we hear thy manful music still! + A royal requiem for a kingly soul! + No sadness of farewell! Away regret, + When greatness nears its goal! + We follow thee, in thought, through light, afar + Divinely piloted beyond the bar! + + * * * * * + +TO MY SWEETHEART. + + ["Those roses you bought and gave to me are marvels. They are + still alive."--_Her Letter_.] + +[Illustration] + + A Hothouse where some roses blew, + And, whilst the outer world was white, + The gentle roses softly grew + To fragrant visions of delight. + + Some wretched florist owned them all, + And plucked them from their native bowers, + Then gaily showed them on his stall + To swell the ranks of "Fresh-Cut Flowers." + + _Some_ went beside a bed of pain + Where influenza claimed its due; + They drooped and never smiled again, + The epidemic had them too. + + A gay young gallant bought some buds, + And jauntily went out to dine + With other reckless sporting bloods, + Who talked of women, drank of wine; + + But whilst they talked, and smoked, and drank, + And told tales not too sanctified. + Abashed the timid blossoms shrank, + Changed colour, faded, and then died. + + Yet roses, too, I gave to you, + I saw you place them near your heart, + You wore them all the evening through, + You wore them when we came to part. + + But now you write to me, my dear, + And marvel that they are not dead, + Their beauty does not disappear, + Their fragrant perfume has not fled. + + The reason's plain. Somehow aright + The flowers know if we ignore them. + The roses live for sheer delight + At knowing, Sweetheart, that _you_ wore them. + + * * * * * + +THOUGHTS--NOT WORTH A PENNY. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE BURLESQUE-ROMANCE OF "NO CENTS; OR, THE NEW +CRITICISM."_) + +The Critic of the new cult visited a tailor's establishment, and was +delighted with all he saw. There were coats, and vests, and other +garments. + +"I make some fifty per cent. profit," said the proprietor of the +establishment, stroking his moustache with a hand adorned with many a +diamond ring. "Of course it causes some labour, thought, and time--but +I get my money for my trouble." + +"And why not?" replied the Critic. "Are you not worth it? Do you not +devote your energy to it? Must you not live?" + +And, having said this, the Reviewer visited another place of business. +This time he had entered the office of a Stockbroker. + +"Of course it is rather anxious work sometimes," said the alternative +representative of a bull and a bear. "But it pays in the long run. +I manage to keep up a house in South Kensington, and a carriage and +pair, out of my takings." + +"Again, why not?" responded the Critic. "You have a wife and family. +Must you not live?" Then the Critic visited Cheesemongers, and +Bankers, Solicitors, and Upholsterers. At last, he reached the modest +abode of an Author. + +"Ah!" said he, in a tone of contempt; "you write books and plays! Why? + +"Why, to sell them," answered the Poet, in a faltering voice. + +"Sell them!" echoed the Critic, in tones of thunder. "What do you mean +by that?" + +"Why, one must live!" + +"Nonsense! The universe can get on very well without anyone. You might +be dispensed with; and, if it comes to that, so might I. Yes, I am not +wanted." + +"Quite true!" murmured the Author; "indeed, you are not!" + +"And, after all, what _is_ your work? Mere brain action! Anyone who +could wield a pen could do it for you! And you expect to be paid, as +if you were a tradesman--a Tailor or an Upholsterer!" + +"But am I not a man and a brother? Do I not get hungry, like anyone +else? Have I not a wife and family?" + +"That is entirely beside the question," persisted the Critic. "All you +have to consider are the claims of Art. Now, Art is not to be served +by paid votaries." + +"Then I suppose am unworthy," replied the Author, mournfully shaking +his head. Well, let us exchange places. You shall be the Author, and +I will be the Critic." + +"Very sorry, my dear friend, but that is an unjust division. By that +means you would receive all the money." + +"And why not? If I am to write, why am I not to be paid?" + +"Because it is beneath the dignity of an Author to write with a view +to obtaining cash." + +"Indeed! Well, I am tired of work. You have nothing to do but +criticise. Let us swap positions." + +"Are you mad?" shouted the Critic. "Why, I am fond of my work. You +don't imagine I am going to give up my salary to you? Why, it would +demoralise you. I know the drawback of the system." And the Author +applied himself to the study of the New Criticism, and it seemed as +great a mystery to him as ever. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Nothing but a keen sense of duty, coupled with the possession of _the_ +smartest thing in waterproof overcoats ever seen, would have tempted +me to go racing last week; but the claims of Hurst Park were not to +be denied, and my reward was, assisting at perhaps the most successful +meeting ever held there--(the backers "went down" to a man, and so +did the excellent lunch--so what more _could_ you want?)--and, in +addition, being told by at least twenty people, the name of the winner +of the Cesarewitch!--they all named different horses, so that _one_ is +almost certain to be able to say next week, in that annoying tone of +voice people adopt after a successful prophecy--(this does _not_ apply +to Just Prophets, who are notoriously modest in success)--"_There_! +I _told_ you it was a certainty for _Whiteface_!--couldn't lose!--_of +course_ you backed it, after what I told you!"--which of course was +the very reason why you _hadn't_ backed it; however--as he may really +be able to tell you something on a future occasion, you put on a +ghastly smile, and say--"Oh, yes--I had a trifle on--but my _money_ +was on _Blackfoot_ before you told me--but it got me out!"--and it +does "get you out" too, for nothing is more annoying than to be told +you "ought to have won a good stake!" + +However, with regard to the great race next week, I am fortunately +able to set aside all "information received," because I have had _a +dream_!--not one of the ordinary lobster-salad kind of racing-dreams +one reads about--(naturally _I_ should not have an inferior kind, +having ordered in a stock of the "best selected," one to be taken +every night at bed-time)--in which the dreamer only sees _one_ +horse--but a most complicated affair, from which it will be an easy +task for anyone skilled in dream-lore to extract the winner! + +Well--I had been rather upset during the day, so to quiet my nerves, +on reaching home, I took, before going to bed, just a little _Golden +Drop_ of _Brandy_ as an _Insurance_ against restlessness--went +to sleep, and dreamt that my friends _Lady Villikins_ and _Madame +d'Albany_, with their maid _Helen Ware_, were attacked on their way +from _Illsley_ to _Weymouth_, by some _Dare Devil_ of a _Circassian_, +whose horse's hoofs rang in a _Metallic_ manner on the road! They were +rescued in the pass of _Ben Avon_ by the gallant _Burnaby_, who after +a long _Rigmarole_, squared their captor, _Roy Neil_, with a _Hanover +Jack_, and acted as their _Pilot_ to safe quarters at _Versailles_! +There!--that was my dream--and I think it points most conclusively +to the winner; and, anyone unable to pick the right one, need only +back them _all_, and there you are!--or at least you _may_ be. If +they don't care to do this, they can avail themselves of my verse +selection--which I did _not_ dream--and which, therefore, is _quite_ +as reliable. + +Yours, devotedly, LADY GAY. + +CESAREWITCH SELECTION. + + Oh, _Weymouth_ is a pleasant _place_, + And bathing tents are handy; + When coming out, if white your face, + Why, take a nip of _Brandy_. + +P.S.--This advice is not intended for confirmed Topers. + + * * * * * + +"SUR LE TAPIS."--If the new Carpet Knight, Sir BLONDEL MAPLE--which is +our troubadourish way of spelling it--be exceptionally successful on +the Turf, isn't he just the man to "make his 'pile' and cut it"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONTENTED MIND. + +_He_. "A--THE FACT IS, I DON'T CARE FOR POPULARITY. I ONLY WISH MY +BOOKS TO BE ADMIRED BY THOSE WHOSE ADMIRATION IS REALLY WORTH HAVING!" + +_She_. "AND WHO ARE THEY?" + +_He_. "THOSE WHO ADMIRE MY BOOKS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Not the least interesting figure in the circle of _The Racing Life of +Lord George Bentinck_, which Messrs. BLACKWOOD produce in a handsome +volume, is that of JOHN KENT, who, under the editorship of Mr. FRANK +LAWLEY, tells the story. KENT was trainer to Lord GEORGE during +the period when, to quote the characteristic Disraelian phrase, +his Lordship became "Lord Paramount of the Turf." It is forty-four +years since Lord GEORGE was found lying dead on his face in the +water-meadows near Welbeck Abbey. Yet KENT remembers all about +him--his six feet of height, his long black frock-coat, his velvet +waistcoat, his gold chain, and his "costly cream-coloured satin scarf +of great length, knotted under his chin, with a gold pin stuck in +it." These scarves cost twenty shillings a-piece, and it was one of +Lord GEORGE's fancies never to wear one a second time. When he died +whole drawersful of them were found, and honest JOHN KENT purchased +half-a-dozen from his Lordship's valet, who seems to have kept his +eye on them. Did he ever wear them on Sundays? My Baronite who has +been reading the book trows not. JOHN KENT knows his place better +than that, and when he goes the way that masters and servants tread +together, the scarves will doubtless be found tucked away in _his_ +chest of drawers. My Baronite is not able to take the same lofty view +of the defunct nobleman who played at politics and worked at racing as +does his faithful old servitor. Lord GEORGE seems to have been, as the +cabman observed of the late JOHN FORSTER, "a harbitery gent," kind to +those who faithfully serve him (as one is kind to a useful hound), +but relentless to any who offended him or crossed his path. Moreover, +whilst, as his biographer devoutly says, he purified the turf, he was +not, upon occasion, above fighting blacklegs with their own weapons. +The book gives clear glimpses of men and times which, less than half +a century dead, will never live again. It pleasantly testifies that, +though no man may be a hero to his valet, Lord GEORGE BENTINCK remains +one in the eyes of his trainer. + +The Baron not having read a three-volume novel for some considerable +time, may safely affirm, instead of taking his oath, that Mrs. +OLIPHANT's _The Cuckoo in the Nest_ is one of the best he has come +across for quite two months. It opens well, and if it drops a bit +about the middle, there are all sorts of surprises yet in store for +the reader, who, the Baron assures him or her, will be rewarded for +his, or her, perseverance. + +The Baron begs to recommend the latest volume of the Whitefriars +Library, called _King Zub_, by W.H. POLLOCK. _Zub_ is a wise poodle, +and the waggish tale of the dog gives the name to the collection. +_The Fleeting Show_ is quite on a par with _The Green Lady_ in a +former collection by the same author, and such other stories as _Sir +Jocelyn's Cap_ and _A Phantom Fish_ will delight those who, like the +Baron, love the mixture as before of the weird and the humorous. In +the _Phantom Fish_ there is much local dialect, and The Baron coming +across the expression, "a proper bender," is inclined to ask if this +is not Zummerzetsheer for, and only applicable to, a running hare? The +Baron remembers the expression well, though 'tis years since he heard +it, and owns to being uncertain as to whether it is not Devonian or +Cornish. That he heard it applied to a hare apparent he is prepared +to make oath and say; but he is not in the least prepared to assert +that it is not generally applied as an expression of admiration for +adroitness in avoiding pursuit. "Be that as it may, give me _King Zub_ +and the other stories, a good fire, a glass of spiritual comfort, a +cosy chair, and a soothing pipe, and I am prepared to spend a pleasant +evening," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S DEER-STALKING PARTY.] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +In our last (it is _Mr. Punch_ who speaks), we indicated very briefly +the conversational possibilities of the Gun. It must be observed, that +this treatise makes no pretensions to be exhaustive. Something must, +after all, be left to the ingenuity of the young shooter who desires +to talk of sport. All that these hints profess, is to put him in the +way of shining, if there is a certain amount of natural brightness to +begin upon. The next subject will be-- + +CARTRIDGES. + +[Illustration] + +To a real talker, this subject offers an infinite variety of +opportunities. First, you can begin to fight the battle of the +powders, as thus:-- + +"What powder are you shooting with this year, CHALMERS?" + +"Schultze." + +"How do you find it kill?" + +"Deadly--absolutely-deadly: best lot I've ever had." + +You need not say anything more now. The discussion will get along +beautifully without you, for you will have drawn, (1), the man who +very much prefers E.C., which he warrants to kill at a distance no +other powder can attain to; (2), the man who uses E.C. or Schultze +for his right barrel, and always puts a black-powder cartridge into +his left; (3), the detester of innovations, who means to go on using +the good old black-powder for both barrels as long as he lives; and +(4), the man who is trying an entirely new patent powder, infinitely +superior to anything else ever invented, and is willing to give +everybody, not only the address of the maker, but half a dozen +cartridges to try. + +You cannot make much of "charges" of powder. Good shots are dogmatic +on the point, and ordinary shots don't bother their heads about it, +trusting entirely to the man who sells them their cartridges. Still +you might throw out, here and there, a few words about "drams" and +"grains." Only, above all things, be careful _not_ to mention drams +in connection with anything but black powder, nor grains, except with +reference to Schultze or E.C. A laboriously-acquired reputation as a +scientific shot has been known to be ruined by a want of clearness on +this important point. + +"Shot." Conversationally much more valuable than powder. "Very few +people agree," says a well-known authority; "as to what is the best +size of shot to use, and many forget that the charge which will suit +one gun, and one description of game, will not do as well for another. +Usually, one gun will shoot better one size of shot than will another, +and we may safely say, that large bores shoot large shot better than +do smaller bores." This last sentence has the beautiful ring of a +profound truism. Lay it by for use, and bring it out with emphasis in +the midst of such disagreement and forgetfulness as are here alluded +to. "If a shooter is a good shot," says the same classic, "he may +use No. 6 early in the season, and only for partridges--afterwards, +nothing but No. 5. To the average shot, No. 6 throughout the season." +This sounds dreadfully invidious. If a good shot cannot kill grouse +with No. 6, how on earth is a merely average shot to do the trick? +But, in these matters, the conversationalist finds his opportunity. +Only they must not be pushed too far. There was once a party of +genial, light-hearted friends, who went out shooting. Early in the +day, slight differences of opinion made themselves observed with +reference to the size of shot. Lunch found them still more or less +good-tempered, but each obstinately determined not to give way even by +a fraction on the point under discussion. + +[Illustration] + +Afterwards they began again. The very dogs grew ashamed of the +noise, and went home. That afternoon there was peace in the world of +birds--at least, on that particular shooting--and the next morning saw +the shooting-parties of England reduced by one, which had separated +in different dog-carts, and various stages of high dudgeon, for the +railway station. So, please to be very, very careful. Use the methods +of compromise. If you find your friend obstinately pinned to No. 5, +when you have declared a preference for No. 6, meet him half-way, +or even profess to be converted by his arguments. Or tell him the +anecdote about the Irishman, who always shot snipe with No. 4, +because, "being such a little bird, bedad, you want a bigger shot to +get at the beggar." You can then inform him how you yourself once did +dreadful execution among driven grouse in a gale of wind with No. 8 +shot, which you had brought out by mistake. You may object that you +never, as a matter of fact, did this execution, never having even shot +at all with No. 8. Tush! you are puling. If you are going to let a +conscientious accuracy stand in your way like this, you had better +become dumb when sporting talk is flying about. Of course you must not +exaggerate too much. Only bumptious fools do that, and they are called +liars for their pains. But a _little_ exaggeration, just a _soupçon_ +of romance, does no one any harm, while it relieves the prosaic +dullness of the ordinary anecdote. So, swallow your scruples, and + + Join the gay throng + That goes talking along, + For we'll all go romancing to-day. + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +DOE VERSUS ROE(DENT). + + ["The basements of the Royal Courts of Justice have lately + been invaded by swarms of mice. They have become very + audacious, and have penetrated into the Courts themselves, + whose walls are lined with legal volumes, the leaves of which + provide them with a rich feast."--_Daily Paper_.] + + For students of the law to "eat + Their terms" is obviously right, + But to devour the books themselves + Is impolite. + + Unfortunately Mr. STREET. + Who planned the legal edif-[=i]ce, + Designed a splendid trap for men, + But not for mice. + + To view the Courts at midnight now, + The Courts all in the stilly Strand, + With rodents squeaking out their pleas, + That _would_ be grand! + + No Ushers 'ush them; they consume + The stiffest calf you ever saw, + Developing, these curious beasts, + A taste for Law. + + They fill--perhaps--the box wherein, + Twelve bothered men have often sat, + And try, with every proper form, + Some absent cat. + + A fore-mouse probably they choose, + The culprit's advocate deride, + And fix upon that cat the guilt + Of mouseycide. + + At the Refreshment-bars, perchance, + They eat the cakes, and drink the milk, + And in the Robing-room indulge + In "taking silk." + + The Judges' sacred Bench itself + From scampering feet is not exempt; + With calmness they commit, of Court, + Frightful "contempt." + + Through _Byles on Bills_ they eat their way; + Law "Digests" they at will digest; + Not even _Coke on Littleton_ + Sticks on _their_ chests! + + Wanted--the stodgiest Law-book out! + The Judges soon _must_ note these facts, + And try a copy of the Ju- + -dicature Acts! + + * * * * * + +WHY THE FRENCH WON THE BOAT-RACE. + +(_ANSWERS SUPPLIED BY AN UNPREJUDICED BRITON._) + +[Illustration] + +Because the English Eight had had no practice on the Seine. + +Because the Londoners had had a fearful passage crossing the Channel. + +Because they smashed their boat, and had to have it repaired. + +Because the English steering might have been better. + +Because the weather was intolerable, and chiefly affected the +Englishmen. + +Because the Londoners had no chance of pulling together. + +Because the French knew the course better than the English. + +Because the race should have been rowed weeks before. + +Because the race should not have been rowed for months. + +Because the British naturally liked to see the foreigners win. + +And last (and least), because the French had by far the better crew! + + * * * * * + +ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE.--The style, title, office, and dignity +of Archbishop of Canterbury, with all appurtenances thereto belonging, +with all emoluments, spiritualities and temporalities appertaining, +have been conferred by letters patent, under supreme authority, +according to Act V. Henricus Noster in such cases made and provided, +on the Rev. Mr. VINCENT, in consequence of the retirement of the Right +Rev. ARTHUR STIRLING from the said office; the duties of which he so +recently and so effectively performed between the hours of ten-thirty +and eleven-fifteen every night for several months at the Theatre Royal +Lyceum. We are in a position to add, that his resignation of this +high and valuable office, has not taken place in consequence of any +question as to the validity or invalidity of orders ("not admitted +after 7·30"), nor has this step been rendered imperative by reason of +any "irregularity" in "properties" or "appointments." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, October 15, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15453-8.txt or 15453-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/5/15453/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15453-8.zip b/15453-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e1ddb7 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-8.zip diff --git a/15453-h.zip b/15453-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6aec653 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h.zip diff --git a/15453-h/15453-h.htm b/15453-h/15453-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2668841 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/15453-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2669 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, October 15, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 15, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 15, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + + +Release Date: March 24, 2005 [EBook #15453] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>October 15, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page169" + id="page169"></a>[pg 169]</span> + + <h2>'ARRY AT 'ARRYGATE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Second Letter.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/169.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/169.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>DEAR CHARLIE,—The post-mark, no doubt, will + surprise you. I'm still at the "Crown,"</p> + + <p>Though I said in my last—wot wos true—I + was jest on the mizzle for town.</p> + + <p>'Ad a letter from nunky, old man, with another small + cheque. Good old nunk!</p> + + <p>So I'm in for a fortnit' more sulphur and slosh, + afore doing a bunk.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! I've worked it, my pippin, I've worked it; gone + in for hexcursions all round,</p> + + <p>To Knaresborough, Bolton, and Fountains. You know, + dear old pal, I'll be bound,</p> + + <p>As hantiquities isn't my 'obby, and ruins don't + fetch me, not much!</p> + + <p>I can't see their "beauty," no more than the charms + of some dowdy old Dutch.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Castle, all chunnicks of stone, or a Habbey, much + out of repair,</p> + + <p>A skelinton Banquetting 'All, and a bit of a + broken-down stair,</p> + + <p>May appear most perticular "precious" to them as the + picteresk cops;</p> + + <p>But give me the sububs and stucco, smart villas, and + spick-and-span shops.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Up to date" is our <i>siney quay non</i> in these + days. <i>Fang der sickle</i>, yer know.</p> + + <p>Wich is French for the same, I persoom, and them + phrases is now all the go.</p> + + <p>Find 'em sprinkled all over the papers; in politics, + fashion, or art,</p> + + <p>If you carnt turn 'em slick round yer tongue, you + ain't modern, or knowing, or smart.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still a houting to Bolton ain't bad when the + <i>charry-bang's</i> well loaded up</p> + + <p>With swell seven-and-sixpence-a-headers. <i>I</i> + felt like a tarrier-pup</p> + + <p>On the scoop arter six weeks of kennel and drench in + the 'ands of a vet;</p> + + <p>I'd got free of the brimstoney flaviour and went it + accordin', you bet!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Ad a day at a village called Birstwith. The most + tooralooralest scene,</p> + + <p>'Oiler down among 'ills, dontcher know, ancient + trees and a jolly big green.</p> + + <p>Reglar old Rip-van-Winkleish spot, sech as CALDECOTT + ought to ha' sketched.</p> + + <p>Though I ain't noways nuts on the pastoral, even + Yours Truly wos fetched.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pooty sight and no error, old pal! 'Twos a grand + "Aughticultural Show,"</p> + + <p>So the "Progrum of Sports" told the public. Fruit, + flowers, and live poultry, yer know.</p> + + <p>Big markee and a range of old 'en-coops, sports, + niggers, a smart local band,</p> + + <p>Cottage gardemn', cheese, roosters, and races! Rum + mix, but I gave it a 'and.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I do like to hencourage the joskins. One thing + though, wos fiddle-de-dee,</p> + + <p>They 'ad a "Refreshment Tent," CHARLIE. 'Oh my! + Ginger-ale and weak tea!</p> + + <p>Nothink stronger, old pal, s'elp me bob! Fancy + <i>me</i> flopping down on a form</p> + + <p>A-munching plum-putty, and lapping Bohea as wos not + even warm!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This 'ere 'Arrygate's short of amusements. There's + niggers and bands on the "Stray"</p> + + <p>(Big lumpy old field in a 'ole, wich if properly + managed might pay.)</p> + + <p>Mysterious Minstrels with masks on, a bleating + contralto in black,</p> + + <p>With a orful tremoler, my pippin!—yus, these + are the pick of the pack.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bit sick of "<i>Ta-ra-ra</i>" and "<i>Knocked + 'em</i>;" "<i>Carissimar</i>" gives me the 'ump,</p> + + <p>For I 'ear it some six times per morning; and then + there's a footy old pump</p> + + <p>Blows staggery toons on a post-'orn for full arf + a-hour each day,</p> + + <p>To muster the mugs for a coach-drive. My heye and a + bandbox, it's gay!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At the "Crown" we git up little barnies, to eke out + the 'Arrygate lot,</p> + + <p>For even the Spa's a bit samesome for six times a + week when it's 'ot;</p> + + <p>Though they do go it pooty permiskus with + pickter-shows, concerts, and such;</p> + + <p>Yus, I must say they ladles it out fair and free, + for a sixpenny touch.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But even yer Fancy Dress Balls, and yer lectures by + ANNIE BESANT,</p> + + <p>All about Hastral Bodies and Hether, seems not + always <i>quite</i> wot yer want</p> + + <p>To wile away time arter dinner. So thanks to that + gent—six-foot-four!—</p> + + <p>Who fair cuts the record as Droring-Room + M.C.—of course <i>hammytoor</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then we've conjurors, worblers, phrenologists! One + 'ad a go at <i>my</i> chump.</p> + + <p>'E touzled my 'air up tremenjus, and said I'd no + hend of a bump</p> + + <p>Of somethink he called "Happrybativeness." Feller + meant well, I suppose,</p> + + <p>But I didn't quite relish his smile, nor his rummy + remarks on my nose.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When a tall gurl as pooty as paint, and with cheeks + like a blush—rose in bloom,</p> + + <p>'As 'er lamps all a-larf on yer face, and a giggle + goes round the whole room,</p> + + <p>'Tisn't nice to sit square on a chair, with a feller + a-sharpening 'is wit</p> + + <p>On your nob, and a rumpling your 'air till it's like + a birch-broom in a fit!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One caper we 'ad, on the lawn, wos a spree and no + error, old man.</p> + + <p>They call it a "Soap-Bubble Tournyment." Soapsuds, a + pipe, and a fan,</p> + + <p>Four six—foot posts stuck in the ground with a + tape run around—them's the "props,"</p> + + <p>And lawn-tennis ain't in it for larks. Oh, the + ladies did larf, though tip-tops!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bit sniffy fust off. "Oh!" sez they, "wot a most + <i>hintellectual</i> game!"</p> + + <p>But I noticed that them as sneered most wos most + anxious to win, all the same,</p> + + <p>The gent he stands slap in the middle, and tries to + blow bubbles like fun,</p> + + <p>Wich his pardner fans over the tape; don't it jest + keep the girls on the run!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Every bubble as crosses the tape afore busting + counts one to that pair,</p> + + <p>And the pair as counts most wins the prize. They are + timed by a hegg-boiler. There!</p> + + <p>It <i>wos</i> all a pantermime, CHARLIE, to see 'ow + them gurls scooted round,</p> + + <p>Jest like Japanese jugglers, a-fanning the bubbles, + as <i>would</i> 'ug the ground.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some gents wos fair frosts at the bizness; one + good-'earted trim little toff</p> + + <p>Would blow with the bowl wrong end uppards. His + pardner went pink and flounced off.</p> + + <p>He gurgled away like a babe with a pap-bottle, + guggle—gug—gug!</p> + + <p>And I 'eard 'er a-giving 'im beans as 'e mizzled, + much down in the mug.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Owsomever, it ain't for amusements as 'Arrygate lays + itself hout;</p> + + <p>So, dear boy, it's for doses and douches; and there + it scores freely, no doubt,</p> + + <p>Wy, there's thirty-two Springs in the Bog + Field—a place like a graveyard gone + wrong—</p> + + <p>Besides Starbeck, the Tewit, and others, all narsty, + and most on 'em strong.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since Sir SLINGSBY discovered the first one, now + close on three cent'ries ago,</p> + + <p>Wot a lush of mixed mineral muck these 'ere + 'Arrygate Springs 'ave let flow!</p> + + <p>Well, ere's bully for Brimstone, my bloater, and + 'ooray for 'Arrygate air!</p> + + <p>Wich 'as done me most good I don't know, and I'm + scorched if I very much care!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know 'Arrygate girls cop the biscuit for beauty. + They've cheeks like the rose,</p> + + <p>Their skin is jest strorberries and cream; it's the + sulphur, dear boy, I suppose.</p> + + <p>As for me, I look yaller as taller alongside 'em + CHARLIE, wus luck!</p> + + <p>I 'eard one call me saffron-faced sparrer, and jest + as I thought 'er fair struck.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd nail 'em, in time, I've no doubt, when I once + got the 'ang of their style.</p> + + <p>There's a gal at the Montpellier Baths. Scissoree! + 'ow I've tried for a smile,</p> + + <p>When she tips me my tannersworth! Shucks! she's as + orty and stiff as yer please.</p> + + <p>Primrose Dames isn't in it for snubs with these + arrygant 'Arrygatese!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I reckon my "Douche" is now due. Doctor BLACK's + that pertikler, old man.</p> + + <p>These 'Arrygate doctors 'ave progrums—you've + got to pan out to their plan.</p> + + <p>Up early, two swigs afore breakfust, and tubs when + they tell yer's the rule.</p> + + <p>Well, the feller as flies to a Sawbones, and + <i>don't</i> toe the line is a fool.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Reglar Doctor-Shop, 'Arrygate is; see their photos + all over the town.</p> + + <p>Mine is doing me dollups of good; I'm quite peckish, + and jest a bit brown.</p> + + <p>I'm making the most of my time, and a-laying in all + I can carry.</p> + + <p>So 'ere ends this budget of brimstone and baths from + your sulphur-soaked</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">'ARRY.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page170" + id="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h2>A FROG HE WOULD A-ROWING GO!</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">A Sad Song of the International Boat + Race.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>With Mr. Punch's cordial Compliments to the + victorious French Eight</i>.) AIR—"<i>A Frog he would + a-Wooing + go</i>."</h4><a href="images/170.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/170.png" + alt="A FROG HE WOULD A-ROWING GO!" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A FROGGIE would a-rowing go,</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>To see if Big BULLIE could lick him or no;</p> + + <p class="i2">With his boating form that's all + gammon and spinach.</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So off he set with his boating-cap,</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>And swore at Big BULL he would just have a + slap!</p> + + <p class="i2">Which BULL declared was all gammon + and spinach!</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Pray, Mr. BULL, will you race with me?"</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>Says BULL, "If you like, but 'tis + fiddle-de-dee!</p> + + <p class="i2">For FROG against BULL is all gammon + and spinach."</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When they came to Andresy upon the Seine,</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>Big BULL pulled his hardest, but pulled in + vain,</p> + + <p class="i2">For he found his boasts were all + gammon and spinach.</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For in spite of the brag, and the bounce, and + the chaff,</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>The FROG beat the BULL by a length and a + half,</p> + + <p class="i2">With your MOSSOP and JAMES, licked by + BOUDIN and CUZIN,</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho, says R.C. LEHMANN!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Pray, Mr. BULL, do you relish the spin?"</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>(Said FROGGIE.) "And were you cocksure you would + win,</p> + + <p class="i2">With your forty-one strokes all sheer + gammon and spinach?"</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British + Rowing!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page171" + id="page171"></a>[pg 171]</span> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Humph! Regular take-down!" said Big Mr. + BULL—</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>"But, FROGGIE or not, by the lord you can + <i>pull</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">With your much-decried + 'hang,'—'twas all gammon and spinach!</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Ha! Ha!" cried the FROG, "the old fable, + thought true"—</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>"Is out of date now. I'm as big, BULL, as + <i>you</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">As an oarsman, which is <i>not</i> + all gammon and spinach!"</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So that in the end (for the present), you + see,</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for Rowing!</p> + + <p>Of the race between Big BULL and Little + FROGGIE.</p> + + <p class="i2">BULL's fame, in a boat, seems all + gammon and spinach.</p> + + <p class="i10">Heigho for British Rowing!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/171.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/171.png" + alt="LOOKING AHEAD." /></a> + + <h3>LOOKING AHEAD.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Golightly</i> (<i>the Friend of the Family, and + to whom Sir Percy (the elder) has proposed</i>). "OF COURSE + I'M AWFULLY OBLIGED, SIR PERCY—BUT, SAY NOW, DON'T + YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME DANGER OF MY FALLING IN LOVE + WITH YOUR ELDEST SON?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. CHAUNCEY DEPEW, the well-known American lawyer, wonders + why on earth the British Government has not long ago given Home + Rule to Ireland. He encourages Mr. G.'s Ministry to do their + best in this direction, and chaunce-y it. We're always + delighted to welcome Mr. CHAUNCEY DEPEW in England, so let him + come over with a Depewtation to Mr. G. on the subject.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EQUESTRIAN FRUIT.—At the Horticultural Show the + Baroness BURDETT-COUTTS exhibited a "Cob of ADAM's Early + Maize." No particulars are given. Was it 14'1 and a + weight-carrier? Being ADAM's, it must be about the oldest in + the world. "Maize" may be a misprint for "Mews." Next time the + Baroness must send a pear.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROBABLE DEDUCTION.—A pertinacious Salvation Army + Captain was worrying a Scotch farmer, whom he had met in the + train, with perpetual inquiries as to whether "he had been born + again of Water and the Spirit?" At last, McSANDY replied, + "Aweel, I dinna reetly ken how that may be, but my good old + feyther and mither took their toddy releegiously every nicht, + the noo."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE AUSTRO-GERMAN OFFICER'S VADE-MECUM.</h3> + + <p><i>Q.</i> You have heard of the Ride from Berlin to Vienna, + and <i>vice versâ</i>?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Yes; and of the mishaps that befell many of the + competitors.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> You mean their horses?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> What applies to the one applies to the other.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> Some of the poor steeds died on the journey?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> I daresay—of course, it was hard work.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And you have read that, even when the poor horses + were fainting and refusing food, the riders still went on?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> Of course. The riders had magnificent pluck and + nerve.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> What, to observe the anguish of their chargers + without emotion?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> No! The idea! I mean they had pluck and nerve in + spite of all discouragement to push on to the winning-post.</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> And what do you think this breaking down of the + horses proved?</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> That, after all, the creatures were + brutes—only brutes!</p> + + <p><i>Q.</i> Does not the suffering of these brutes + suggest—</p> + + <p><i>A.</i> That the riders were brutes too?—Ah!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>No further question put, the Answerer having + mastered the subject.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>IN EXCELSIS.—No better example of the methods employed + by Vivisectionists could be given than was presented at the + Church Congress last week, where in debate on this subject they + were all engaged in cutting up one another. The Bishop of + EDINBURGH, denouncing the morality of the Bishop of MANCHESTER + and of Bishop BARRY, was a rare sight. His Lordship said that + the morality of these two Bishops was "up in a balloon." Well, + surely this is morality of the most elevated description. These + Bishops are not "<i>in partibus</i>," but <i>in + nubibus</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>IN WATER COLOURS.—The East London Waterworks Company + had a very successful meeting the other day. <i>Inter alia</i> + the Chairman said, that "the Waltham Well is a complete + success." <i>Ergo</i> let Well alone. That from this source + they still supplied "36 gallons per head." The heads must be + uncommonly hard to stand all this water on the brain. A + dividend of eight per cent. is, after all, a very pleasant + draught.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page172" + id="page172"></a>[pg 172]</span> + + <h2>"GREEN THE GUIDE."</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Sketch on a "Royal Blue" Car at Jersey.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>On the Car is, among others, an</i> Elderly + Gentleman, <i>in a tall hat, with a quantity of wraps; + a</i> Stout Shopkeeper, <i>with a stouter Wife; a</i> + Serious Commercial Traveller, <i>and a couple of young</i> + "Shop-ladies"; a Morose Young Man, <i>who has "got out of + bed the wrong side" that morning, and another, who has + begun his potations rather early, and is in the muzzily + talkative mood. The Car is one of a long string of similar + vehicles, and is proceeding at a rapid rate along one of + the winding roads</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Muzzy Man</i>. Frivolous, am I? Well, we + <i>came</i> 'ere to be frivolous—to a certain extent. + Am I out of the way in anything I've said? Because I woke + this morning with a dry month, and I don't mind saying I've + had a little drop o' brandy since.</p> + + <p><i>His Neighbour</i>. You might let people find out that + for themselves, <i>I</i> should think!</p> + + <p><i>The Muzzy M.</i> No—I like to be honest and + straightforward, I do. I don't want to be out of the + <i>way</i>, you understand.</p> + + <p><i>The Shopkeeper's Wife</i> (<i>to her Neighbour</i>). + This is a pretty part of the road we're on now—but, + lor! there's nothing 'ere to come up to the Isle of Man. + Douglas, now—that <i>is</i> a nice place, with all + them Music Halls! And the scenery—why, I'm sure I + felt sometimes as if I <i>must</i> stop, just to + <i>look</i> at it!</p> + + <p><i>The Muzzy Man</i>. I consider scenery we're coming to + most beautiful I've seen for—for miles around. [<i>He + goes to sleep.</i></p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/172.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/172.png" + alt="'An elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity of wraps.'" /> + </a>"An elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a + quantity of wraps." + </div> + + <p><i>The Shopkeeper</i> (<i>to the</i> Elderly G., <i>who + is shifting and turning about uneasily</i>). Lost anything, + Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The E.G.</i> No—thank you, no. I was looking to + see whether GREEN the Guide was on the car. (<i>Shouts of + laughter are heard from the car behind</i>.) Ah, + <i>that's</i> GREEN the Guide! I wish he'd come on our + oar—very amusing fellow, Sir—capital + company!</p> + + <p><i>The Morose M.</i> (<i>to the Young Lady 'on his + Left</i>) Who's GREEN the Guide?</p> + + <p><i>The Y.L.</i> Oh, don't you know? He comes with the + cars and makes jokes and all that. I hope he'll come to + us.</p> + + <p><i>The Mor. M.</i> <i>I</i> don't. I can do that sort of + thing for myself if I want to, I hope. [<i>With a + scowl.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Y.L.</i> Well, there's no harm in + <i>hoping</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The Serious Comm. T.</i> (<i>to his + neighbour—one of the Shop-ladies</i>). So you come + from Birmingham? Dear me, now. I used to be there very + often on business at one time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. + PODGER there? A good old gentleman, he is. I used to attend + his Chapel regular—most improving discourses he used + to give us. I am fond of a good Sermon, aren't you? + &c.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He imagines—not altogether + correctly—that he is producing an agreeable + impression.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and + Cloth-cap.</i> Scarborough? Yes, I've <i>been</i> + there—but I don't care about it much. You have to + <i>dress</i> such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come + out just as I am!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is + beginning to flag—when the car is boarded by a + stalwart good-looking man, carrying a banjo, and wearing a + leather shoulder-belt with</i> "GREEN the Guide" <i>in + brass letters upon it; the</i> Elderly Gentleman, <i>and + most of the</i> Ladies <i>welcome him with effusion, while + the</i> Younger Men <i>appear to resent his + appearance.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Mor. M.</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). If he's going to + play that old instrument of torture, I shall <i>howl</i>, + that's all!</p> + + <p><i>Green the Guide</i> (<i>in a deep baritone + voice</i>). Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I congratulate you + upon having a fine day for our excursion. My glass went up + three feet this morning.</p> + + <p><i>The Morose Man</i> (<i>aggressively</i>). Was there + whiskey inside it?</p> + + <p><i>Green the Guide</i>. No, Sir, it would have gone down + suddenly if there had been. (<i>The</i> Elderly G. <i>asks + for a song</i>.) I shall be delighted to entertain you to + the best of my ability. What would you like to have?</p> + + <p><i>The Mor. M.</i> None of your songs—give us an + imitation—of a deaf and dumb man.</p> + + <p><i>Green the G.</i> (<i>with perfect good-humour</i>). I + shall be happy to do the deaf man, Sir,—if you'll + help me by doing the dumb. (<i>The</i> Mor. M. <i>begins to + feel that he had better leave</i> GREEN the Guide + <i>alone.</i>) Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll sing you a + good old-fashioned hunting-song, and I'll ask you to join + me in the Chorus.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He sings "We'll all go out hunting to-day!"</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Mor. M.</i> (<i>after the First Verse</i>). The + beggar don't sing so badly. I will say <i>that</i> for him! + (<i>After the Third</i>.) Capital voice he has! Rattling + good Chorus, too! "Join the glad throng that goes laughing + along, and we'll all go a-hunting to-day!" (<i>At the + end.</i>) Bravo! encore! encore!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously + restored.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Green the G.</i> (<i>in a tone of instruction</i>). + You will notice that the thistle is very abundant just + here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The reason of <i>that</i>, is + that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part of + the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of + thistledown. (<i>Outcry of incredulity</i>.) If you don't + believe me, ask the Coachman.</p> + + <p><i>The Coachman</i> (<i>stolidly</i>). It's a fact, + Gentlemen, I assure you.</p> + + <p><i>G. the G.</i> The soil of Jersey is remarkably + productive; if you plant a sixpence, it will come up a + shilling in no time. The cabbages on this island grow to an + extraordinary height, frequently attaining twenty + feet—(<i>outcry</i>)—yes, if you measure up one + side, and down the other. (<i>They pass a couple of sheep + on a slope</i>.) The finest flock of sheep in the island. + The dark one is not black, only a little sunburnt. The + house you see on that hill over there was formerly slept in + by CHARLES THE SECOND. He left a pair of slippers behind + him—which have since grown into top-boots. There you + see the only windmill in this part of the + island—there <i>used</i> to be three, but it was + found there was not enough wind for them all. From here you + have a clear view of the coast of France; and, when the + wind is blowing in this direction, you have an excellent + opportunity of acquiring the French accent in all its + purity. (<i>This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts meets + with a success beyond their intrinsic merits, the</i> + Morose Man <i>being as much entertained as anybody</i>.) On + your right is an inland lake of fresh water—</p> + + <p><i>The Muzzy Man</i> (<i>waking up with sudden + interest</i>). Can you drink it with perfect impunity?</p> + + <p><i>G. the G.</i> Depends how far you are accustomed to + it as a beverage, Sir. (<i>The car stops at an hotel</i>.) + We stop here two hours, Ladies and Gentlemen, to enable you + to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards. You can leave + anything you like on the cars except five-pound + notes—and they <i>might</i> get blown away!</p> + </div> + + <h3 class="sc">On the Way Home.</h3> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The Shopkeeper's Wife</i> (<i>to her Husband</i>). + Ah, TOM, it's just as well you stayed behind—you'd + never have got through those caves! You wouldn't believe I + could ha' done it unless you'd seen me—clambering + down iron ladders, and jumping on to rocks, and squeezing + through tunnels, and then up a cliff like the side of a + house. I do <i>wish</i> you could ha' seen me, TOM!</p> + + <p><i>Tom</i> (<i>philosophically</i>). Ah, well, I was + very comfortable where I was, settin' in the hotel room + there, smoking my pipe. GREEN the Guide gave us, "<i>Rocked + in the Cradle of the Deep</i>," in first-rate + style—he is a <i>singer</i>, and no mistake!</p> + + <p><i>His Wife</i>. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to + sing—I'd ha' stayed too! But here he is, waiting by + the road for us—I do hope he's going to sing + again!</p> + + <p><i>Green the G.</i> (<i>mounting the car</i>). I fear I + am an unwelcome visitor.</p> + + <p><i>The Eld. G.</i> (<i>graciously</i>). It would be the + first time in your life then, GREEN!</p> + + <p><i>G. the G.</i> Well, the fact is, I come to levy a + little contribution on behalf of myself and the Coachman. + Times are hard, Gentlemen, and both of us have large + families to support. If you don't believe me, ask the + Coachman. (<i>The</i> Elderly G. <i>explains that his + wrappings prevent him from getting at his purse just then, + while the others contribute with more or less readiness and + liberality</i>.) Many thanks. Ladies and Gentlemen, on + behalf of myself and the Coachman, and to express my sense + of your generosity, I will sing you the great + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page173" + id="page173"></a>[pg 173]</span> Jersey National Song, + composed by myself, before leaving. (<i>He sings a ditty + with the following spirited Chorus</i>):—</p> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There the streets are paved with granite. So neat + and clean</p> + + <p>And lots of pretty, witty girls, are always to be + seen!</p> + + <p>With the brave old Mi-litia, Our foes to defy!</p> + + <p>And there they grow the Cabba-ges—Ten feet + high!</p> + + <p>(<i>All together, Gentlemen, please</i>!) Yes, there + they grow the Cabbages, there they grow the Cabbages, + there they grow the Cabbages—Ten feet high!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p>Thank you, Gentlemen, I've sung that song a number of + times, and I never remember hearing the chorus better sung. + If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman.</p> + + <p><i>Coachman.</i> <i>I've</i> never 'eard it better sung, + Ladies and Gentlemen, I assure you.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[GREEN the Guide <i>descends in a blaze of popularity, + and the "Royal Blue" rolls on in excellent spirits.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>POLITICAL TRAINING.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Read Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's remarks on + abstinence from bodily exercise. Sold my bicycle, and gave away + all my rackets, bats, &c. Resolved to follow the latest + system. Shall doubtless, by these means, reach Mr. C.'s high + position as a statesman and orator. Went out in a Bath-chair. + Five minutes after starting, man said he was not accustomed to + drag so heavy an invalid, and must rest a little. Tried a + speech—my maiden one—on the Disadvantages of Bodily + Exercise. He listened respectfully, and, when at last I had + finished, said he quite agreed with me, and that the fare was + seven shillings.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Have decided that exercise in a + Bath-chair is quite superfluous. Resolved to take exercise, for + the future, in a hammock, just outside the garden-door. Must + practise speech-making to the gardener. Good + idea—Orchids. Asked him what he thought about the new + Orchid. Miserable fool answered, "Awkud, zur? Dunno waht thaht + be." I said that was "awkud," and had to laugh at the highly + original side-splitter myself, as he never saw it.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Must really give up this long walk + to the garden-door. Shall never become a great statesman unless + I do. Resolved to take exercise in arm-chair in library. The + children's governess came in to fetch a book. Addressed her at + some length on Free Education. Afterwards, thought this subject + was somewhat ill-chosen, as her salary is so small.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Really cannot stand this walking up + and down stairs. Shall remain for the future in my bed-room and + take exercise on sofa by fireside, as I feel chilly. Page came + in with coals. Reminded me of Policy of Scuttle. Spoke of this + at some length, and woke him up with difficulty when I had + finished. Felt rather unwell.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Dressing and undressing is certainly + needless fatigue, and evidently causes this headache and + general seediness. Shall take exercise in bed. Felt worse. + Female relatives anxious, and insist on medical attendance. + Assured them I was following the best system, and answered + their persistent demands by a short address on Home Rule.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Felt so bad at five this morning, + that Doctor was fetched. Tried feebly to address him on the + Eight Hours' Question, when he said he never had any time to + think how long he worked. Explained my new system to him. He + said I should myself want a new system to stand such a course + of treatment. Then he pulled me out of bed, and insisted on my + walking ten miles as soon as I was dressed. Felt much better. + Shall abandon politics and become a farmer, having just heard + of an infallible system for growing wheat profitably.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE "RESTORATION" PERIOD.—Will the Chairmen of the + L.C. & D. and the S.E. Lines unite their forces? After the + meeting on this subject last week, Sir EDWARD will have lots of + reason to listen to. But apart from every consideration of + <i>mal de mer</i>, and "From Calais to Dover," as the poet + sings "'Tis soonest over," there is not anywhere a better, and + we, who have suffered as greatly as the much-enduring Ulysses, + venture to assert not anywhere as good a luncheon as at the + "Restauration" (well it deserves the title!) of the Calais + Station. Every patriotic travelling Englishman must be + delighted to think that some few centuries ago we gave up + Calais. Had it been nowadays in English hands, why it might + even now be possessed of a "Refreshment Room" no better + than—any on our side of the Channel, for there is no + necessity to particularise. From Dover to Calais is the + shortest and best restorative'd route for the traveller, + whether ill or well, at sea.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MOTTOES for the new Lord MAYOR. "<i>Nil obstet</i>," "<i>Nil + fortius</i>," and, from HORACE, "<i>Nil amplius oro</i>." This, + in answer to thousands of correspondents, is our last word on + the subject; so after this (except on the 9th of November), we + say—<i>nil</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SUCH A "LIGHT OPERA!"</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:31%;"> + <a href="images/173-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/173-1.png" + alt="'Pity a Poo' Bar-itone!'" /></a>"Pity a Poo' + Bar-itone!" + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:31%;"> + <a href="images/173-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/173-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Christmas is comin'!"</p> + + <p>The McClown of McClown dancing.</p> + + <p>The Reel Hit of the Opera.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Had Sir ARTHUR written the music for <i>The Mountebanks</i>, + and Sir BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT the book of <i>Haddon Hall</i>, + both might have been big successes So, however, it was not to + be, and Sir ARTHUR chose this book by Mr. GRUNDY, which labours + under the disadvantages of being original, and of not owing + almost everything to a French source. It isn't every day of the + week that Mr. GRUNDY tumbles upon <i>A Pair of Spectacles</i> + in a volume of French plays. The period to which the very + slight and uninteresting story of <i>Haddon Hall</i> belongs is + just before the Restoration, but the dialogue of "the book" is + spiced with modern slang, both "up to date" (the date being + this present year of Grace, not sixteen hundred and sixty) and + out of date. The "out-of-date" slang, which is, "<i>I've got + 'em on"</i>—alluding to the Scotchman's + trousers—has by far the best of it, as it comes at the + end of the piece, and enjoys the honour of having been set to + music by the variously-gifted Composer: so that "<i>I've got + 'em on</i>," with its enthusiastically treble-encored whiskey + fling, capitally danced by Miss NITA COLE as <i>Nance</i>, with + Mr. DENNY as <i>The McCrankie</i>, may be considered as the + real hit of the evening, having in itself about as much to do + with whatever there is of the plot as would have the entrance + of Mr. JOEY GRIMALDI, in full Clown's costume, with "Here we + are again!" Of the music, as there was very little to catch and + take away, one had to leave it. Of course this seriously comic + or comically serious Opera is drawing—["<i>Music</i>," + observes Mr. WAGG, parenthetically, "cannot be + <i>drawing</i>"]—and will continue to do so for some + little time, long enough at all events to reimburse Mr. D'OYLY + CARTE for his more than usually lavish outlay on the + <i>mise-en-scčne.</i></p> + + <p>In the Second Act, the mechanical change from the exterior + of Haddon Hall to the interior, must be reckoned as among the + most effective transformations ever seen on any stage. It would + be still more so if the time occupied in making it were reduced + one-half, and the storm in the orchestra, and the lightning + seen through black gauze on stage were omitted. The lightning + frightens nobody, only amuses a few, and in itself is no very + great attraction. Even if these flashes were a very striking + performance; no danger to the audience need be apprehended from + it, seeing that Mr. CELLIER is in front as "Conductor." Perhaps + Mr. D'OYLY CARTE, noticing that Mr. GRUNDY calls his piece "a + light Opera," thought that, as it wasn't quite up to this + description, it would be as well if the required "light'ning" + were brought in somewhere, and so he introduced it here. If + this be so, it is about the only flash of genius in the + performance.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page174" + id="page174"></a>[pg 174]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/174.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/174.png" + alt="POST-PRANDIAL PESSIMISTS." /></a> + + <h3>POST-PRANDIAL PESSIMISTS.</h3>SCENE—<i>The + Smoking-room at the Decadents.</i> + + <p><i>First Decadent</i> (<i>M.A. Oxon.</i>). "AFTER ALL, + SMYTHE, WHAT WOULD LIFE BE WITHOUT COFFEE?"</p> + + <p><i>Second Decadent</i> (<i>B.A. Camb.</i>). "TRUE, + JEOHNES, TRUE! AND YET, AFTER ALL, WHAT IS LIFE <i>WITH</i> + COFFEE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"CROSSING THE BAR."</h3> + + <h4>IN MEMORIAM.</h4> + + <h2>Alfred Lord Tennyson.</h2> + + <h4 class="sc">Born, August 5, 1809. Died, October 6, + 1892.</h4> + + <center> + "TALIESSEN is our fullest throat of song."—<i>The + Holy Grail</i>. + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Our fullest throat of song is silent, hushed</p> + + <p class="i2">In Autumn, when the songless woods are + still,</p> + + <p>And with October's boding hectic flushed</p> + + <p class="i2">Slowly the year disrobes. A passionate + thrill</p> + + <p>Of strange proud sorrow pulses through the land,</p> + + <p class="i2">His land, his England, which he loved so + well:</p> + + <p>And brows bend low, as slow from strand to + strand</p> + + <p class="i6">The Poet's passing bell</p> + + <p>Sends forth its solemn note, and every heart</p> + + <p>Chills, and sad tears to many an eyelid start.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sad tears in sooth! And yet not wholly so.</p> + + <p class="i2">Exquisite echoes of his own swan-song</p> + + <p>Forbid mere murmuring mournfulness; the glow</p> + + <p class="i2">Of its great hope illumes us. Sleep, thou + strong</p> + + <p>Full tide, as over the unmeaning bar</p> + + <p class="i2">Fares this unfaltering darer of the + deep,</p> + + <p>Beaconed by a Great Light, the pilot-star</p> + + <p class="i6">Of valiant souls, who keep</p> + + <p>Through the long strife of thought-life free from + scathe</p> + + <p>The luminous guidance of the larger faith.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No sadness of farewell? Great Singer, crowned</p> + + <p class="i2">With lustrous laurel, facing that far + light,</p> + + <p>In whose white radiance dark seems whelmed and + drowned,</p> + + <p class="i2">And death a passing shade, of meaning + slight;</p> + + <p>Sunset, and evening star, and that clear call,</p> + + <p class="i2">The twilight shadow, and the evening + bell,</p> + + <p>Bring naught of gloom for thee. Whate'er befall</p> + + <p class="i6">Thou must indeed fare well.</p> + + <p>But we—we have but memories now, and love</p> + + <p>The plaint of fond regret will scarce reprove.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Great singer, he, and great among the great,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or greatness hath no sure abiding + test.</p> + + <p>The poet's splendid pomp, the shining state</p> + + <p class="i2">Of royal singing robes, were his, + confest,</p> + + <p>By slowly growing certitude of fame,</p> + + <p class="i2">Since first, a youth, he found + fresh-opening portals</p> + + <p>To Beauty's Pleasure-House. Ranked with acclaim</p> + + <p class="i6">Amidst the true Immortals,</p> + + <p>The amaranth fields with native ease he trod,</p> + + <p>Authentic son of the lyre-bearing god.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fresh portals, untrod pleasaunces, new ways</p> + + <p class="i2">In Art's great Palace, shrined in + Nature's heart,</p> + + <p>Sought the young singer, and his limpid lays,</p> + + <p class="i2">O'er sweet, perchance, yet made the quick + blood start</p> + + <p>To many a cheek mere glittering; rhymes left + cold.</p> + + <p class="i2">But through the gates of Ivory or of + Horn</p> + + <p>His vivid vision flocked, and who so bold</p> + + <p class="i6">As to repulse with scorn</p> + + <p>The shining troop because of shadowy birth.</p> + + <p>Of bodiless passion, or light tinkling mirth?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the true god-gift grows. Sweet, sweet, still + sweet</p> + + <p class="i2">As great Apollo's lyre, or Pan's plain + reed,</p> + + <p>His music flowed, but slowly he out-beat</p> + + <p class="i2">His song to finer issues. Fingers + fleet,</p> + + <p>That trifled with the pipe-stops, shook grand + sound</p> + + <p class="i2">From the great organ's golden mouths + anon.</p> + + <p>A mellow-measured might, a beauty bound</p> + + <p class="i6">(As Venus with her zone)</p> + + <p>By that which shaped from chaos Earth, Air, Sky,</p> + + <p>The unhampering restraint of Harmony.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hysteric ecstasy, new fierce, now faint,</p> + + <p class="i2">But ever fever-sick, shook not his + lyre</p> + + <p>With epileptic fervours. Sensual taint</p> + + <p class="i2">Of satyr heat, or bacchanal desire,</p> + + <p>Polluted not the passion of his song;</p> + + <p class="i2">No corybantic clangor clamoured + through</p> + + <p>Its manly harmonies, as sane as strong;</p> + + <p class="i6">So that the captious few</p> + + <p>Found sickliness in pure Elysian balm,</p> + + <p>And coldness in such high Olympian calm.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Impassioned purity, high minister</p> + + <p class="i2">Of spirit's joys, was his, reserved, + restrained.</p> + + <p>His song was like the sword Excalibur</p> + + <p class="i2">Of his symbolic knight; trenchant, + unstained.</p> + + <p>It shook the world of wordly baseness, smote</p> + + <p class="i2">The Christless heathendom of huckstering + days.</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page175" + id="page175"></a>[pg 175]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/175.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/175.png" + alt="'CROSSING THE BAR.'" /></a> + + <h3>"CROSSING THE BAR."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"TWILIGHT AND EVENING BELL,</p> + + <p class="i2">AND AFTER THAT THE DARK"</p> + + <p>"AND MAY THERE BE NO SADNESS OF FAREWELL,</p> + + <p class="i2">WHEN I EMBARK."—TENNYSON.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" + id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is no harshness in that mellow note,</p> + + <p class="i6">No blot upon those bays;</p> + + <p>For loyal love and knightly valour rang</p> + + <p>Through rich immortal music when he sang.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ARTHUR, his friend, the Modern Gentleman,</p> + + <p class="i2">ARTHUR, the hero, his ideal Knight,</p> + + <p>Inspired his strains. From fount to flood they + ran</p> + + <p class="i2">A flawless course of melody and + light.</p> + + <p>A Christian chivalry shone in his song</p> + + <p class="i2">From Locksley Hall to shadowy + Lyonnesse,</p> + + <p>Whence there stand forth two figures, stately, + strong,</p> + + <p class="i6">Symbols of spirit's stress;</p> + + <p>The blameless King, saintship with scarce a + blot,</p> + + <p>And song's most noble sinner, LANCELOT.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lover of England, lord of English hearts,</p> + + <p class="i2">Master of English speech, painter + supreme</p> + + <p>Of English landscape! Patriot passion starts</p> + + <p class="i2">A-flame, pricked by the words that glow + and gleam</p> + + <p>In those imperial pćans, which might arm</p> + + <p class="i2">Pale cowards for the fray. Touched by his + hand</p> + + <p>The simple sweetness, and the homely charm</p> + + <p class="i6">Of our green garden-land</p> + + <p>Take on a witchery as of Arden's glade,</p> + + <p>Or verdant Vallombrosa's leafy shade.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The fragrant fruitfulness of wood and wold,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of flowery upland, and of + orchard-lawn,</p> + + <p>Lit by the lingering evening's softened gold,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or flushed with rose-hued radiance of the + dawn;</p> + + <p>Bird-music beautiful; the robin's trill,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or the rook's drowsy clangour; flats that + run</p> + + <p>From sky to sky, dusk woods that drape the hill,</p> + + <p class="i6">Still lakes that draw the sun;</p> + + <p>All, all are mirror'd in his verse, and there</p> + + <p>Familiar beauties shine most strangely fair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poet, the pass-key magical was thine,</p> + + <p class="i2">To Beauty's Fairy World, in classic + calm</p> + + <p>Or rich romantic colour. Bagdat's shrine</p> + + <p class="i2">By sheeny Tigris, Syrian pool and + palm,</p> + + <p>Avilion's bowery hollows, Ida's peak,</p> + + <p class="i2">The lily-laden Lotos land, the fields</p> + + <p>Of amaranth! What may vagrant Fancy seek</p> + + <p class="i6">More than thy rich song yields,</p> + + <p>Of Orient odour, Faëry wizardry,</p> + + <p>Or soft Arcadian simplicity?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From all, far Faëry Land, Romance's realm,</p> + + <p class="i2">Green English homestead, cloud-crown'd + Attic hill,</p> + + <p>The Poet passes—whither? Not the helm</p> + + <p class="i2">Of wounded ARTHUR, lit by light that + fills</p> + + <p>Avilion's fair horizons, gleamed more bright</p> + + <p class="i2">Than does that leonine laurelled visage + now,</p> + + <p>Fronting with steadfast look that mystic Light.</p> + + <p class="i6">Grave eye, and gracious brow</p> + + <p>Turn from the evening bell, the earthly shore,</p> + + <p>To face the Light that floods him evermore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! How fitlier should a poet pass</p> + + <p class="i2">Than thou from that dim chamber and the + gleam</p> + + <p>Of poor earth's purest radiance? Love, alas!</p> + + <p class="i2">Of that strange scene must long in sorrow + dream.</p> + + <p>But we—we hear thy manful music still!</p> + + <p class="i2">A royal requiem for a kingly soul!</p> + + <p>No sadness of farewell! Away regret,</p> + + <p class="i6">When greatness nears its goal!</p> + + <p>We follow thee, in thought, through light, afar</p> + + <p>Divinely piloted beyond the bar!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY SWEETHEART.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Those roses you bought and gave to me are marvels. + They are still alive."—<i>Her Letter</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/177.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/177.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Hothouse where some roses blew,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, whilst the outer world was + white,</p> + + <p>The gentle roses softly grew</p> + + <p class="i2">To fragrant visions of delight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some wretched florist owned them all,</p> + + <p class="i2">And plucked them from their native + bowers,</p> + + <p>Then gaily showed them on his stall</p> + + <p class="i2">To swell the ranks of "Fresh-Cut + Flowers."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Some</i> went beside a bed of pain</p> + + <p class="i2">Where influenza claimed its due;</p> + + <p>They drooped and never smiled again,</p> + + <p class="i2">The epidemic had them too.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A gay young gallant bought some buds,</p> + + <p class="i2">And jauntily went out to dine</p> + + <p>With other reckless sporting bloods,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who talked of women, drank of wine;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But whilst they talked, and smoked, and drank,</p> + + <p class="i2">And told tales not too sanctified.</p> + + <p>Abashed the timid blossoms shrank,</p> + + <p class="i2">Changed colour, faded, and then died.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet roses, too, I gave to you,</p> + + <p class="i2">I saw you place them near your heart,</p> + + <p>You wore them all the evening through,</p> + + <p class="i2">You wore them when we came to part.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now you write to me, my dear,</p> + + <p class="i2">And marvel that they are not dead,</p> + + <p>Their beauty does not disappear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their fragrant perfume has not fled.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The reason's plain. Somehow aright</p> + + <p>The flowers know if we ignore them.</p> + + <p class="i2">The roses live for sheer delight</p> + + <p>At knowing, Sweetheart, that <i>you</i> wore + them.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THOUGHTS—NOT WORTH A PENNY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from the Burlesque-Romance of "No Cents; or, + The New Criticism."</i>)</h4> + + <p>The Critic of the new cult visited a tailor's establishment, + and was delighted with all he saw. There were coats, and vests, + and other garments.</p> + + <p>"I make some fifty per cent. profit," said the proprietor of + the establishment, stroking his moustache with a hand adorned + with many a diamond ring. "Of course it causes some labour, + thought, and time—but I get my money for my trouble."</p> + + <p>"And why not?" replied the Critic. "Are you not worth it? Do + you not devote your energy to it? Must you not live?"</p> + + <p>And, having said this, the Reviewer visited another place of + business. This time he had entered the office of a + Stockbroker.</p> + + <p>"Of course it is rather anxious work sometimes," said the + alternative representative of a bull and a bear. "But it pays + in the long run. I manage to keep up a house in South + Kensington, and a carriage and pair, out of my takings."</p> + + <p>"Again, why not?" responded the Critic. "You have a wife and + family. Must you not live?" Then the Critic visited + Cheesemongers, and Bankers, Solicitors, and Upholsterers. At + last, he reached the modest abode of an Author.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" said he, in a tone of contempt; "you write books and + plays! Why?</p> + + <p>"Why, to sell them," answered the Poet, in a faltering + voice.</p> + + <p>"Sell them!" echoed the Critic, in tones of thunder. "What + do you mean by that?"</p> + + <p>"Why, one must live!"</p> + + <p>"Nonsense! The universe can get on very well without anyone. + You might be dispensed with; and, if it comes to that, so might + I. Yes, I am not wanted."</p> + + <p>"Quite true!" murmured the Author; "indeed, you are + not!"</p> + + <p>"And, after all, what <i>is</i> your work? Mere brain + action! Anyone who could wield a pen could do it for you! And + you expect to be paid, as if you were a tradesman—a + Tailor or an Upholsterer!"</p> + + <p>"But am I not a man and a brother? Do I not get hungry, like + anyone else? Have I not a wife and family?"</p> + + <p>"That is entirely beside the question," persisted the + Critic. "All you have to consider are the claims of Art. Now, + Art is not to be served by paid votaries."</p> + + <p>"Then I suppose am unworthy," replied the Author, mournfully + shaking his head. Well, let us exchange places. You shall be + the Author, and I will be the Critic."</p> + + <p>"Very sorry, my dear friend, but that is an unjust division. + By that means you would receive all the money."</p> + + <p>"And why not? If I am to write, why am I not to be + paid?"</p> + + <p>"Because it is beneath the dignity of an Author to write + with a view to obtaining cash."</p> + + <p>"Indeed! Well, I am tired of work. You have nothing to do + but criticise. Let us swap positions."</p> + + <p>"Are you mad?" shouted the Critic. "Why, I am fond of my + work. You don't imagine I am going to give up my salary to you? + Why, it would demoralise you. I know the drawback of the + system." And the Author applied himself to the study of the New + Criticism, and it seemed as great a mystery to him as ever.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" + id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square</i>.</p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>Nothing but a keen sense of duty, coupled with the + possession of <i>the</i> smartest thing in waterproof overcoats + ever seen, would have tempted me to go racing last week; but + the claims of Hurst Park were not to be denied, and my reward + was, assisting at perhaps the most successful meeting ever held + there—(the backers "went down" to a man, and so did the + excellent lunch—so what more <i>could</i> you + want?)—and, in addition, being told by at least twenty + people, the name of the winner of the Cesarewitch!—they + all named different horses, so that <i>one</i> is almost + certain to be able to say next week, in that annoying tone of + voice people adopt after a successful prophecy—(this does + <i>not</i> apply to Just Prophets, who are notoriously modest + in success)—"<i>There</i>! I <i>told</i> you it was a + certainty for <i>Whiteface</i>!—couldn't + lose!—<i>of course</i> you backed it, after what I told + you!"—which of course was the very reason why you + <i>hadn't</i> backed it; however—as he may really be able + to tell you something on a future occasion, you put on a + ghastly smile, and say—"Oh, yes—I had a trifle + on—but my <i>money</i> was on <i>Blackfoot</i> before you + told me—but it got me out!"—and it does "get you + out" too, for nothing is more annoying than to be told you + "ought to have won a good stake!"</p> + + <p>However, with regard to the great race next week, I am + fortunately able to set aside all "information received," + because I have had <i>a dream</i>!—not one of the + ordinary lobster-salad kind of racing-dreams one reads + about—(naturally <i>I</i> should not have an inferior + kind, having ordered in a stock of the "best selected," one to + be taken every night at bed-time)—in which the dreamer + only sees <i>one</i> horse—but a most complicated affair, + from which it will be an easy task for anyone skilled in + dream-lore to extract the winner!</p> + + <p>Well—I had been rather upset during the day, so to + quiet my nerves, on reaching home, I took, before going to bed, + just a little <i>Golden Drop</i> of <i>Brandy</i> as an + <i>Insurance</i> against restlessness—went to sleep, and + dreamt that my friends <i>Lady Villikins</i> and <i>Madame + d'Albany</i>, with their maid <i>Helen Ware</i>, were attacked + on their way from <i>Illsley</i> to <i>Weymouth</i>, by some + <i>Dare Devil</i> of a <i>Circassian</i>, whose horse's hoofs + rang in a <i>Metallic</i> manner on the road! They were rescued + in the pass of <i>Ben Avon</i> by the gallant <i>Burnaby</i>, + who after a long <i>Rigmarole</i>, squared their captor, <i>Roy + Neil</i>, with a <i>Hanover Jack</i>, and acted as their + <i>Pilot</i> to safe quarters at <i>Versailles</i>! + There!—that was my dream—and I think it points most + conclusively to the winner; and, anyone unable to pick the + right one, need only back them <i>all</i>, and there you + are!—or at least you <i>may</i> be. If they don't care to + do this, they can avail themselves of my verse + selection—which I did <i>not</i> dream—and which, + therefore, is <i>quite</i> as reliable.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, devotedly, LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Cesarewitch Selection.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, <i>Weymouth</i> is a pleasant <i>place</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">And bathing tents are handy;</p> + + <p>When coming out, if white your face,</p> + + <p class="i2">Why, take a nip of <i>Brandy</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>P.S.—This advice is not intended for confirmed + Topers.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"SUR LE TAPIS."—If the new Carpet Knight, Sir BLONDEL + MAPLE—which is our troubadourish way of spelling + it—be exceptionally successful on the Turf, isn't he just + the man to "make his 'pile' and cut it"?</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/178.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/178.png" + alt="A CONTENTED MIND." /></a> + + <h3>A CONTENTED MIND.</h3> + + <p><i>He</i>. "A—THE FACT IS, I DON'T CARE FOR + POPULARITY. I ONLY WISH MY BOOKS TO BE ADMIRED BY THOSE + WHOSE ADMIRATION IS REALLY WORTH HAVING!"</p> + + <p><i>She</i>. "AND WHO ARE THEY?"</p> + + <p><i>He</i>. "THOSE WHO ADMIRE MY BOOKS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Not the least interesting figure in the circle of <i>The + Racing Life of Lord George Bentinck</i>, which Messrs. + BLACKWOOD produce in a handsome volume, is that of JOHN KENT, + who, under the editorship of Mr. FRANK LAWLEY, tells the story. + KENT was trainer to Lord GEORGE during the period when, to + quote the characteristic Disraelian phrase, his Lordship became + "Lord Paramount of the Turf." It is forty-four years since Lord + GEORGE was found lying dead on his face in the water-meadows + near Welbeck Abbey. Yet KENT remembers all about him—his + six feet of height, his long black frock-coat, his velvet + waistcoat, his gold chain, and his "costly cream-coloured satin + scarf of great length, knotted under his chin, with a gold pin + stuck in it." These scarves cost twenty shillings a-piece, and + it was one of Lord GEORGE's fancies never to wear one a second + time. When he died whole drawersful of them were found, and + honest JOHN KENT purchased half-a-dozen from his Lordship's + valet, who seems to have kept his eye on them. Did he ever wear + them on Sundays? My Baronite who has been reading the book + trows not. JOHN KENT knows his place better than that, and when + he goes the way that masters and servants tread together, the + scarves will doubtless be found tucked away in <i>his</i> chest + of drawers. My Baronite is not able to take the same lofty view + of the defunct nobleman who played at politics and worked at + racing as does his faithful old servitor. Lord GEORGE seems to + have been, as the cabman observed of the late JOHN FORSTER, "a + harbitery gent," kind to those who faithfully serve him (as one + is kind to a useful hound), but relentless to any who offended + him or crossed his path. Moreover, whilst, as his biographer + devoutly says, he purified the turf, he was not, upon occasion, + above fighting blacklegs with their own weapons. The book gives + clear glimpses of men and times which, less than half a century + dead, will never live again. It pleasantly testifies that, + though no man may be a hero to his valet, Lord GEORGE BENTINCK + remains one in the eyes of his trainer.</p> + + <p>The Baron not having read a three-volume novel for some + considerable time, may safely affirm, instead of taking his + oath, that Mrs. OLIPHANT's <i>The Cuckoo in the Nest</i> is one + of the best he has come across for quite two months. It opens + well, and if it drops a bit about the middle, there are all + sorts of surprises yet in store for the reader, who, the Baron + assures him or her, will be rewarded for his, or her, + perseverance.</p> + + <p>The Baron begs to recommend the latest volume of the + Whitefriars Library, called <i>King Zub</i>, by W.H. POLLOCK. + <i>Zub</i> is a wise poodle, and the waggish tale of the dog + gives the name to the collection. <i>The Fleeting Show</i> is + quite on a par with <i>The Green Lady</i> in a former + collection by the same author, and such other stories as <i>Sir + Jocelyn's Cap</i> and <i>A Phantom Fish</i> will delight those + who, like the Baron, love the mixture as before of the weird + and the humorous. In the <i>Phantom Fish</i> there is much + local dialect, and The Baron coming across the expression, "a + proper bender," is inclined to ask if this is not + Zummerzetsheer for, and only applicable to, a running hare? The + Baron remembers the expression well, though 'tis years since he + heard it, and owns to being uncertain as to whether it is not + Devonian or Cornish. That he heard it applied to a hare + apparent he is prepared to make oath and say; but he is not in + the least prepared to assert that it is not generally applied + as an expression of admiration for adroitness in avoiding + pursuit. "Be that as it may, give me <i>King Zub</i> and the + other stories, a good fire, a glass of spiritual comfort, a + cosy chair, and a soothing pipe, and I am prepared to spend a + pleasant evening," says</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" + id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/179.png" + alt="MR. PUNCH'S DEER-STALKING PARTY." /></a> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH'S DEER-STALKING PARTY.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" + id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span> + + <h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Grouse in the Gun-room.</i>)</h4> + + <p>In our last (it is <i>Mr. Punch</i> who speaks), we + indicated very briefly the conversational possibilities of the + Gun. It must be observed, that this treatise makes no + pretensions to be exhaustive. Something must, after all, be + left to the ingenuity of the young shooter who desires to talk + of sport. All that these hints profess, is to put him in the + way of shining, if there is a certain amount of natural + brightness to begin upon. The next subject will be—</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Cartridges.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/180-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>To a real talker, this subject offers an infinite variety of + opportunities. First, you can begin to fight the battle of the + powders, as thus:—</p> + + <p>"What powder are you shooting with this year, CHALMERS?"</p> + + <p>"Schultze."</p> + + <p>"How do you find it kill?"</p> + + <p>"Deadly—absolutely-deadly: best lot I've ever + had."</p> + + <p>You need not say anything more now. The discussion will get + along beautifully without you, for you will have drawn, (1), + the man who very much prefers E.C., which he warrants to kill + at a distance no other powder can attain to; (2), the man who + uses E.C. or Schultze for his right barrel, and always puts a + black-powder cartridge into his left; (3), the detester of + innovations, who means to go on using the good old black-powder + for both barrels as long as he lives; and (4), the man who is + trying an entirely new patent powder, infinitely superior to + anything else ever invented, and is willing to give everybody, + not only the address of the maker, but half a dozen cartridges + to try.</p> + + <p>You cannot make much of "charges" of powder. Good shots are + dogmatic on the point, and ordinary shots don't bother their + heads about it, trusting entirely to the man who sells them + their cartridges. Still you might throw out, here and there, a + few words about "drams" and "grains." Only, above all things, + be careful <i>not</i> to mention drams in connection with + anything but black powder, nor grains, except with reference to + Schultze or E.C. A laboriously-acquired reputation as a + scientific shot has been known to be ruined by a want of + clearness on this important point.</p> + + <p>"Shot." Conversationally much more valuable than powder. + "Very few people agree," says a well-known authority; "as to + what is the best size of shot to use, and many forget that the + charge which will suit one gun, and one description of game, + will not do as well for another. Usually, one gun will shoot + better one size of shot than will another, and we may safely + say, that large bores shoot large shot better than do smaller + bores." This last sentence has the beautiful ring of a profound + truism. Lay it by for use, and bring it out with emphasis in + the midst of such disagreement and forgetfulness as are here + alluded to. "If a shooter is a good shot," says the same + classic, "he may use No. 6 early in the season, and only for + partridges—afterwards, nothing but No. 5. To the average + shot, No. 6 throughout the season." This sounds dreadfully + invidious. If a good shot cannot kill grouse with No. 6, how on + earth is a merely average shot to do the trick? But, in these + matters, the conversationalist finds his opportunity. Only they + must not be pushed too far. There was once a party of genial, + light-hearted friends, who went out shooting. Early in the day, + slight differences of opinion made themselves observed with + reference to the size of shot. Lunch found them still more or + less good-tempered, but each obstinately determined not to give + way even by a fraction on the point under discussion.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/180-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Afterwards they began again. The very dogs grew ashamed of + the noise, and went home. That afternoon there was peace in the + world of birds—at least, on that particular + shooting—and the next morning saw the shooting-parties of + England reduced by one, which had separated in different + dog-carts, and various stages of high dudgeon, for the railway + station. So, please to be very, very careful. Use the methods + of compromise. If you find your friend obstinately pinned to + No. 5, when you have declared a preference for No. 6, meet him + half-way, or even profess to be converted by his arguments. Or + tell him the anecdote about the Irishman, who always shot snipe + with No. 4, because, "being such a little bird, bedad, you want + a bigger shot to get at the beggar." You can then inform him + how you yourself once did dreadful execution among driven + grouse in a gale of wind with No. 8 shot, which you had brought + out by mistake. You may object that you never, as a matter of + fact, did this execution, never having even shot at all with + No. 8. Tush! you are puling. If you are going to let a + conscientious accuracy stand in your way like this, you had + better become dumb when sporting talk is flying about. Of + course you must not exaggerate too much. Only bumptious fools + do that, and they are called liars for their pains. But a + <i>little</i> exaggeration, just a <i>soupçon</i> of romance, + does no one any harm, while it relieves the prosaic dullness of + the ordinary anecdote. So, swallow your scruples, and</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Join the gay throng</p> + + <p>That goes talking along,</p> + + <p class="i2">For we'll all go romancing to-day.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + (<i>To be continued.</i>) + </center> + <hr /> + + <h2>DOE VERSUS ROE(DENT).</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The basements of the Royal Courts of Justice have + lately been invaded by swarms of mice. They have become + very audacious, and have penetrated into the Courts + themselves, whose walls are lined with legal volumes, the + leaves of which provide them with a rich + feast."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For students of the law to "eat</p> + + <p class="i2">Their terms" is obviously right,</p> + + <p>But to devour the books themselves</p> + + <p class="i8">Is impolite.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unfortunately Mr. STREET.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who planned the legal edif-īce,</p> + + <p>Designed a splendid trap for men,</p> + + <p class="i8">But not for mice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To view the Courts at midnight now,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Courts all in the stilly Strand,</p> + + <p>With rodents squeaking out their pleas,</p> + + <p class="i8">That <i>would</i> be grand!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No Ushers 'ush them; they consume</p> + + <p class="i2">The stiffest calf you ever saw,</p> + + <p>Developing, these curious beasts,</p> + + <p class="i8">A taste for Law.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They fill—perhaps—the box wherein,</p> + + <p class="i2">Twelve bothered men have often sat,</p> + + <p>And try, with every proper form,</p> + + <p class="i8">Some absent cat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A fore-mouse probably they choose,</p> + + <p class="i2">The culprit's advocate deride,</p> + + <p>And fix upon that cat the guilt</p> + + <p class="i8">Of mouseycide.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At the Refreshment-bars, perchance,</p> + + <p class="i2">They eat the cakes, and drink the + milk,</p> + + <p>And in the Robing-room indulge</p> + + <p class="i8">In "taking silk."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Judges' sacred Bench itself</p> + + <p class="i2">From scampering feet is not exempt;</p> + + <p>With calmness they commit, of Court,</p> + + <p class="i8">Frightful "contempt."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Through <i>Byles on Bills</i> they eat their + way;</p> + + <p class="i2">Law "Digests" they at will digest;</p> + + <p>Not even <i>Coke on Littleton</i></p> + + <p class="i8">Sticks on <i>their</i> chests!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Wanted—the stodgiest Law-book out!</p> + + <p class="i2">The Judges soon <i>must</i> note these + facts,</p> + + <p>And try a copy of the Ju-</p> + + <p class="i8">-dicature Acts!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHY THE FRENCH WON THE BOAT-RACE.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Answers supplied by an Unprejudiced Briton.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:16%;"> + <a href="images/180-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/180-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Because the English Eight had had no practice on the + Seine.</p> + + <p>Because the Londoners had had a fearful passage crossing the + Channel.</p> + + <p>Because they smashed their boat, and had to have it + repaired.</p> + + <p>Because the English steering might have been better.</p> + + <p>Because the weather was intolerable, and chiefly affected + the Englishmen.</p> + + <p>Because the Londoners had no chance of pulling together.</p> + + <p>Because the French knew the course better than the + English.</p> + + <p>Because the race should have been rowed weeks before.</p> + + <p>Because the race should not have been rowed for months.</p> + + <p>Because the British naturally liked to see the foreigners + win.</p> + + <p>And last (and least), because the French had by far the + better crew!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE.—The style, title, office, + and dignity of Archbishop of Canterbury, with all appurtenances + thereto belonging, with all emoluments, spiritualities and + temporalities appertaining, have been conferred by letters + patent, under supreme authority, according to Act V. Henricus + Noster in such cases made and provided, on the Rev. Mr. + VINCENT, in consequence of the retirement of the Right Rev. + ARTHUR STIRLING from the said office; the duties of which he so + recently and so effectively performed between the hours of + ten-thirty and eleven-fifteen every night for several months at + the Theatre Royal Lyceum. We are in a position to add, that his + resignation of this high and valuable office, has not taken + place in consequence of any question as to the validity or + invalidity of orders ("not admitted after 7·30"), nor has this + step been rendered imperative by reason of any "irregularity" + in "properties" or "appointments."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected + Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, + Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be + returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed + Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no + exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, October 15, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15453-h.htm or 15453-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/5/15453/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/15453-h/images/169.png b/15453-h/images/169.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4639116 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/169.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/170.png b/15453-h/images/170.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..117d633 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/170.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/171.png b/15453-h/images/171.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..43d5ed7 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/171.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/172.png b/15453-h/images/172.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..89cbf74 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/172.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/173-1.png b/15453-h/images/173-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f84198c --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/173-1.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/173-2.png b/15453-h/images/173-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..908a06b --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/173-2.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/174.png b/15453-h/images/174.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..155bc44 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/174.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/175.png b/15453-h/images/175.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0804753 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/175.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/177.png b/15453-h/images/177.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee37f4d --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/177.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/178.png b/15453-h/images/178.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1394b49 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/178.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/179.png b/15453-h/images/179.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45f1a16 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/179.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/180-1.png b/15453-h/images/180-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0593955 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/180-1.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/180-2.png b/15453-h/images/180-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6d5a27b --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/180-2.png diff --git a/15453-h/images/180-3.png b/15453-h/images/180-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1359c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15453-h/images/180-3.png diff --git a/15453.txt b/15453.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..07c665b --- /dev/null +++ b/15453.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1794 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +October 15, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 15, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + + +Release Date: March 24, 2005 [EBook #15453] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +October 15, 1892. + + + + +'ARRY AT 'ARRYGATE. + +(_SECOND LETTER._) + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE,--The post-mark, no doubt, will surprise you. I'm + still at the "Crown," + Though I said in my last--wot wos true--I was jest on the mizzle + for town. + 'Ad a letter from nunky, old man, with another small cheque. Good + old nunk! + So I'm in for a fortnit' more sulphur and slosh, afore doing a bunk. + + Ah! I've worked it, my pippin, I've worked it; gone in for + hexcursions all round, + To Knaresborough, Bolton, and Fountains. You know, dear old pal, + I'll be bound, + As hantiquities isn't my 'obby, and ruins don't fetch me, not much! + I can't see their "beauty," no more than the charms of some dowdy + old Dutch. + + A Castle, all chunnicks of stone, or a Habbey, much out of repair, + A skelinton Banquetting 'All, and a bit of a broken-down stair, + May appear most perticular "precious" to them as the picteresk cops; + But give me the sububs and stucco, smart villas, and + spick-and-span shops. + + "Up to date" is our _siney quay non_ in these days. _Fang der + sickle_, yer know. + Wich is French for the same, I persoom, and them phrases is now + all the go. + Find 'em sprinkled all over the papers; in politics, fashion, or + art, + If you carnt turn 'em slick round yer tongue, you ain't modern, or + knowing, or smart. + + Still a houting to Bolton ain't bad when the _charry-bang's_ well + loaded up + With swell seven-and-sixpence-a-headers. _I_ felt like a tarrier-pup + On the scoop arter six weeks of kennel and drench in the 'ands of + a vet; + I'd got free of the brimstoney flaviour and went it accordin', you + bet! + + 'Ad a day at a village called Birstwith. The most tooralooralest + scene, + 'Oiler down among 'ills, dontcher know, ancient trees and a jolly + big green. + Reglar old Rip-van-Winkleish spot, sech as CALDECOTT ought to ha' + sketched. + Though I ain't noways nuts on the pastoral, even Yours Truly wos + fetched. + + Pooty sight and no error, old pal! 'Twos a grand "Aughticultural + Show," + So the "Progrum of Sports" told the public. Fruit, flowers, and + live poultry, yer know. + Big markee and a range of old 'en-coops, sports, niggers, a smart + local band, + Cottage gardemn', cheese, roosters, and races! Rum mix, but I gave + it a 'and. + + I do like to hencourage the joskins. One thing though, wos + fiddle-de-dee, + They 'ad a "Refreshment Tent," CHARLIE. 'Oh my! Ginger-ale and + weak tea! + Nothink stronger, old pal, s'elp me bob! Fancy _me_ flopping down + on a form + A-munching plum-putty, and lapping Bohea as wos not even warm! + + This 'ere 'Arrygate's short of amusements. There's niggers and + bands on the "Stray" + (Big lumpy old field in a 'ole, wich if properly managed might pay.) + Mysterious Minstrels with masks on, a bleating contralto in black, + With a orful tremoler, my pippin!--yus, these are the pick of the + pack. + + Bit sick of "_Ta-ra-ra_" and "_Knocked 'em_;" "_Carissimar_" gives + me the 'ump, + For I 'ear it some six times per morning; and then there's a footy + old pump + Blows staggery toons on a post-'orn for full arf a-hour each day, + To muster the mugs for a coach-drive. My heye and a bandbox, it's + gay! + + At the "Crown" we git up little barnies, to eke out the 'Arrygate + lot, + For even the Spa's a bit samesome for six times a week when it's + 'ot; + Though they do go it pooty permiskus with pickter-shows, concerts, + and such; + Yus, I must say they ladles it out fair and free, for a sixpenny + touch. + + But even yer Fancy Dress Balls, and yer lectures by ANNIE BESANT, + All about Hastral Bodies and Hether, seems not always _quite_ wot + yer want + To wile away time arter dinner. So thanks to that + gent--six-foot-four!-- + Who fair cuts the record as Droring-Room M.C.--of course + _hammytoor_. + + Then we've conjurors, worblers, phrenologists! One 'ad a go at + _my_ chump. + 'E touzled my 'air up tremenjus, and said I'd no hend of a bump + Of somethink he called "Happrybativeness." Feller meant well, I + suppose, + But I didn't quite relish his smile, nor his rummy remarks on my + nose. + + When a tall gurl as pooty as paint, and with cheeks like a + blush--rose in bloom, + 'As 'er lamps all a-larf on yer face, and a giggle goes round the + whole room, + 'Tisn't nice to sit square on a chair, with a feller a-sharpening + 'is wit + On your nob, and a rumpling your 'air till it's like a birch-broom + in a fit! + + One caper we 'ad, on the lawn, wos a spree and no error, old man. + They call it a "Soap-Bubble Tournyment." Soapsuds, a pipe, and a + fan, + Four six--foot posts stuck in the ground with a tape run + around--them's the "props," + And lawn-tennis ain't in it for larks. Oh, the ladies did larf, + though tip-tops! + + Bit sniffy fust off. "Oh!" sez they, "wot a most _hintellectual_ + game!" + But I noticed that them as sneered most wos most anxious to win, + all the same, + The gent he stands slap in the middle, and tries to blow bubbles + like fun, + Wich his pardner fans over the tape; don't it jest keep the girls + on the run! + + Every bubble as crosses the tape afore busting counts one to that + pair, + And the pair as counts most wins the prize. They are timed by a + hegg-boiler. There! + It _wos_ all a pantermime, CHARLIE, to see 'ow them gurls scooted + round, + Jest like Japanese jugglers, a-fanning the bubbles, as _would_ 'ug + the ground. + + Some gents wos fair frosts at the bizness; one good-'earted trim + little toff + Would blow with the bowl wrong end uppards. His pardner went pink + and flounced off. + He gurgled away like a babe with a pap-bottle, guggle--gug--gug! + And I 'eard 'er a-giving 'im beans as 'e mizzled, much down in the + mug. + + Owsomever, it ain't for amusements as 'Arrygate lays itself hout; + So, dear boy, it's for doses and douches; and there it scores + freely, no doubt, + Wy, there's thirty-two Springs in the Bog Field--a place like a + graveyard gone wrong-- + Besides Starbeck, the Tewit, and others, all narsty, and most on + 'em strong. + + Since Sir SLINGSBY discovered the first one, now close on three + cent'ries ago, + Wot a lush of mixed mineral muck these 'ere 'Arrygate Springs 'ave + let flow! + Well, ere's bully for Brimstone, my bloater, and 'ooray for + 'Arrygate air! + Wich 'as done me most good I don't know, and I'm scorched if I + very much care! + + I know 'Arrygate girls cop the biscuit for beauty. They've cheeks + like the rose, + Their skin is jest strorberries and cream; it's the sulphur, dear + boy, I suppose. + As for me, I look yaller as taller alongside 'em CHARLIE, wus luck! + I 'eard one call me saffron-faced sparrer, and jest as I thought + 'er fair struck. + + I'd nail 'em, in time, I've no doubt, when I once got the 'ang of + their style. + There's a gal at the Montpellier Baths. Scissoree! 'ow I've tried + for a smile, + When she tips me my tannersworth! Shucks! she's as orty and stiff + as yer please. + Primrose Dames isn't in it for snubs with these arrygant + 'Arrygatese! + + But I reckon my "Douche" is now due. Doctor BLACK's that + pertikler, old man. + These 'Arrygate doctors 'ave progrums--you've got to pan out to + their plan. + Up early, two swigs afore breakfust, and tubs when they tell yer's + the rule. + Well, the feller as flies to a Sawbones, and _don't_ toe the line + is a fool. + + Reglar Doctor-Shop, 'Arrygate is; see their photos all over the + town. + Mine is doing me dollups of good; I'm quite peckish, and jest a + bit brown. + I'm making the most of my time, and a-laying in all I can carry. + So 'ere ends this budget of brimstone and baths from your + sulphur-soaked + +'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FROG HE WOULD A-ROWING GO! + +A SAD SONG OF THE INTERNATIONAL BOAT RACE. + +(_WITH MR. PUNCH'S CORDIAL COMPLIMENTS TO THE VICTORIOUS FRENCH +EIGHT_.) + +AIR--"_A Frog he would a-Wooing go_." + + A FROGGIE would a-rowing go, + Heigho for Rowing! + To see if Big BULLIE could lick him or no; + With his boating form that's all gammon and spinach. + Heigho for British Rowing! + + So off he set with his boating-cap, + Heigho for Rowing! + And swore at Big BULL he would just have a slap! + Which BULL declared was all gammon and spinach! + Heigho for British Rowing! + + "Pray, Mr. BULL, will you race with me?" + Heigho for Rowing! + Says BULL, "If you like, but 'tis fiddle-de-dee! + For FROG against BULL is all gammon and spinach." + Heigho for British Rowing! + + When they came to Andresy upon the Seine, + Heigho for Rowing! + Big BULL pulled his hardest, but pulled in vain, + For he found his boasts were all gammon and spinach. + Heigho for British Rowing! + + For in spite of the brag, and the bounce, and the chaff, + Heigho for Rowing! + The FROG beat the BULL by a length and a half, + With your MOSSOP and JAMES, licked by BOUDIN and CUZIN, + Heigho, says R.C. LEHMANN! + + "Pray, Mr. BULL, do you relish the spin?" + Heigho for Rowing! + (Said FROGGIE.) "And were you cocksure you would win, + With your forty-one strokes all sheer gammon and spinach?" + Heigho for British Rowing! + + "Humph! Regular take-down!" said Big Mr. BULL-- + Heigho for Rowing! + "But, FROGGIE or not, by the lord you can _pull_, + With your much-decried 'hang,'--'twas all gammon and spinach! + Heigho for British Rowing!" + + "Ha! Ha!" cried the FROG, "the old fable, thought true"-- + Heigho for Rowing! + "Is out of date now. I'm as big, BULL, as _you_, + As an oarsman, which is _not_ all gammon and spinach!" + Heigho for British Rowing. + + So that in the end (for the present), you see, + Heigho for Rowing! + Of the race between Big BULL and Little FROGGIE. + BULL's fame, in a boat, seems all gammon and spinach. + Heigho for British Rowing! +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOOKING AHEAD. + +_Miss Golightly_ (_the Friend of the Family, and to whom Sir Percy +(the elder) has proposed_). "OF COURSE I'M AWFULLY OBLIGED, SIR +PERCY--BUT, SAY NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME DANGER OF +MY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR ELDEST SON?"] + + * * * * * + +MR. CHAUNCEY DEPEW, the well-known American lawyer, wonders why on +earth the British Government has not long ago given Home Rule to +Ireland. He encourages Mr. G.'s Ministry to do their best in this +direction, and chaunce-y it. We're always delighted to welcome Mr. +CHAUNCEY DEPEW in England, so let him come over with a Depewtation +to Mr. G. on the subject. + + * * * * * + +EQUESTRIAN FRUIT.--At the Horticultural Show the Baroness +BURDETT-COUTTS exhibited a "Cob of ADAM's Early Maize." No particulars +are given. Was it 14'1 and a weight-carrier? Being ADAM's, it must be +about the oldest in the world. "Maize" may be a misprint for "Mews." +Next time the Baroness must send a pear. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE DEDUCTION.--A pertinacious Salvation Army Captain was +worrying a Scotch farmer, whom he had met in the train, with perpetual +inquiries as to whether "he had been born again of Water and the +Spirit?" At last, MCSANDY replied, "Aweel, I dinna reetly ken how +that may be, but my good old feyther and mither took their toddy +releegiously every nicht, the noo." + + * * * * * + +THE AUSTRO-GERMAN OFFICER'S VADE-MECUM. + +_Q._ You have heard of the Ride from Berlin to Vienna, and _vice +versa_? + +_A._ Yes; and of the mishaps that befell many of the competitors. + +_Q._ You mean their horses? + +_A._ What applies to the one applies to the other. + +_Q._ Some of the poor steeds died on the journey? + +_A._ I daresay--of course, it was hard work. + +_Q._ And you have read that, even when the poor horses were fainting +and refusing food, the riders still went on? + +_A._ Of course. The riders had magnificent pluck and nerve. + +_Q._ What, to observe the anguish of their chargers without emotion? + +_A._ No! The idea! I mean they had pluck and nerve in spite of all +discouragement to push on to the winning-post. + +_Q._ And what do you think this breaking down of the horses proved? + +_A._ That, after all, the creatures were brutes--only brutes! + +_Q._ Does not the suffering of these brutes suggest-- + +_A._ That the riders were brutes too?--Ah! + + [_No further question put, the Answerer having mastered the + subject._ + + * * * * * + +IN EXCELSIS.--No better example of the methods employed by +Vivisectionists could be given than was presented at the Church +Congress last week, where in debate on this subject they were all +engaged in cutting up one another. The Bishop of EDINBURGH, denouncing +the morality of the Bishop of MANCHESTER and of Bishop BARRY, was a +rare sight. His Lordship said that the morality of these two Bishops +was "up in a balloon." Well, surely this is morality of the most +elevated description. These Bishops are not "_in partibus_," but _in +nubibus_. + + * * * * * + +IN WATER COLOURS.--The East London Waterworks Company had a very +successful meeting the other day. _Inter alia_ the Chairman said, +that "the Waltham Well is a complete success." _Ergo_ let Well alone. +That from this source they still supplied "36 gallons per head." The +heads must be uncommonly hard to stand all this water on the brain. A +dividend of eight per cent. is, after all, a very pleasant draught. + + * * * * * + +"GREEN THE GUIDE." + +(_A SKETCH ON A "ROYAL BLUE" CAR AT JERSEY._) + + _On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a + tall hat, with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with + a stouter Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple + of young "Shop-ladies"; a Morose Young Man, who has "got + out of bed the wrong side" that morning, and another, who + has begun his potations rather early, and is in the muzzily + talkative mood. The Car is one of a long string of similar + vehicles, and is proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the + winding roads._ + +_The Muzzy Man_. Frivolous, am I? Well, we _came_ 'ere to be +frivolous--to a certain extent. Am I out of the way in anything I've +said? Because I woke this morning with a dry month, and I don't mind +saying I've had a little drop o' brandy since. + +_His Neighbour_. You might let people find out that for themselves, +_I_ should think! + +_The Muzzy M._ No--I like to be honest and straightforward, I do. I +don't want to be out of the _way_, you understand. + +_The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Neighbour_). This is a pretty part +of the road we're on now--but, lor! there's nothing 'ere to come up to +the Isle of Man. Douglas, now--that _is_ a nice place, with all them +Music Halls! And the scenery--why, I'm sure I felt sometimes as if I +_must_ stop, just to _look_ at it! + +_The Muzzy Man_. I consider scenery we're coming to most beautiful +I've seen for--for miles around. [_He goes to sleep._ + +[Illustration: "An elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity +of wraps."] + +_The Shopkeeper_ (_to the Elderly G., who is shifting and turning +about uneasily_). Lost anything, Sir? + +_The E.G._ No--thank you, no. I was looking to see whether GREEN the +Guide was on the car. (_Shouts of laughter are heard from the car +behind._) Ah, _that's_ GREEN the Guide! I wish he'd come on our +oar--very amusing fellow, Sir--capital company! + +_The Morose M._ (_to the Young Lady 'on his Left_) Who's GREEN the +Guide? + +_The Y.L._ Oh, don't you know? He comes with the cars and makes jokes +and all that. I hope he'll come to us. + +_The Mor. M._ _I_ don't. I can do that sort of thing for myself if I +want to, I hope. [_With a scowl._ + +_The Y.L._ Well, there's no harm in _hoping_! + +_The Serious Comm. T._ (_to his neighbour--one of the Shop-ladies_). +So you come from Birmingham? Dear me, now. I used to be there very +often on business at one time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. PODGER there? +A good old gentleman, he is. I used to attend his Chapel regular--most +improving discourses he used to give us. I am fond of a good Sermon, +aren't you? &c. + + [_He imagines--not altogether correctly--that he is producing + an agreeable impression._ + +_A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and Cloth-cap._ +Scarborough? Yes, I've _been_ there--but I don't care about it much. +You have to _dress_ such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come out +just as I am! + + [_The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is + beginning to flag--when the car is boarded by a stalwart + good-looking man, carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather + shoulder-belt with "GREEN the Guide" in brass letters upon + it; the Elderly Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome + him with effusion, while the Younger Men appear to resent + his appearance._ + +_The Mor. M._ (_sotto voce_). If he's going to play that old +instrument of torture, I shall _howl_, that's all! + +_Green the Guide_ (_in a deep baritone voice_). Well, Ladies +and Gentlemen, I congratulate you upon having a fine day for our +excursion. My glass went up three feet this morning. + +_The Morose Man_ (_aggressively_). Was there whiskey inside it? + +_Green the Guide_. No, Sir, it would have gone down suddenly if there +had been. (_The_ Elderly G. _asks for a song_.) I shall be delighted +to entertain you to the best of my ability. What would you like to +have? + +_The Mor. M._ None of your songs--give us an imitation--of a deaf and +dumb man. + +_Green the G._ (_with perfect good-humour_). I shall be happy to do +the deaf man, Sir,--if you'll help me by doing the dumb. (_The_ Mor. +M. _begins to feel that he had better leave_ GREEN the Guide _alone._) +Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll sing you a good old-fashioned +hunting-song, and I'll ask you to join me in the Chorus. + + [_He sings "We'll all go out hunting to-day!"_ + +_The Mor. M._ (_after the First Verse_). The beggar don't sing so +badly. I will say _that_ for him! (_After the Third._) Capital voice +he has! Rattling good Chorus, too! "Join the glad throng that goes +laughing along, and we'll all go a-hunting to-day!" (_At the end._) +Bravo! encore! encore! + + [_His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously restored._ + +_Green the G._ (_in a tone of instruction_). You will notice that the +thistle is very abundant just here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The reason +of _that_, is that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part of +the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of thistledown. +(_Outcry of incredulity_.) If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman. + +_The Coachman_ (_stolidly_). It's a fact, Gentlemen, I assure you. + +_G. the G._ The soil of Jersey is remarkably productive; if you plant +a sixpence, it will come up a shilling in no time. The cabbages on +this island grow to an extraordinary height, frequently attaining +twenty feet--(_outcry_)--yes, if you measure up one side, and down the +other. (_They pass a couple of sheep on a slope._) The finest flock +of sheep in the island. The dark one is not black, only a little +sunburnt. The house you see on that hill over there was formerly slept +in by CHARLES THE SECOND. He left a pair of slippers behind him--which +have since grown into top-boots. There you see the only windmill in +this part of the island--there _used_ to be three, but it was found +there was not enough wind for them all. From here you have a clear +view of the coast of France; and, when the wind is blowing in this +direction, you have an excellent opportunity of acquiring the French +accent in all its purity. (_This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts +meets with a success beyond their intrinsic merits, the_ Morose Man +_being as much entertained as anybody._) On your right is an inland +lake of fresh water-- + +_The Muzzy Man_ (_waking up with sudden interest_). Can you drink it +with perfect impunity? + +_G. the G._ Depends how far you are accustomed to it as a beverage, +Sir. (_The car stops at an hotel._) We stop here two hours, Ladies and +Gentlemen, to enable you to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards. +You can leave anything you like on the cars except five-pound +notes--and they _might_ get blown away! + +ON THE WAY HOME. + +_The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Husband_). Ah, TOM, it's just as +well you stayed behind--you'd never have got through those caves! You +wouldn't believe I could ha' done it unless you'd seen me--clambering +down iron ladders, and jumping on to rocks, and squeezing through +tunnels, and then up a cliff like the side of a house. I do _wish_ you +could ha' seen me, TOM! + +_Tom_ (_philosophically_). Ah, well, I was very comfortable where I +was, settin' in the hotel room there, smoking my pipe. GREEN the Guide +gave us, "_Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep_," in first-rate style--he +is a _singer_, and no mistake! + +_His Wife_. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to sing--I'd ha' stayed +too! But here he is, waiting by the road for us--I do hope he's going +to sing again! + +_Green the G._ (_mounting the car_). I fear I am an unwelcome visitor. + +_The Eld. G._ (_graciously_). It would be the first time in your life +then, GREEN! + +_G. the G._ Well, the fact is, I come to levy a little contribution on +behalf of myself and the Coachman. Times are hard, Gentlemen, and both +of us have large families to support. If you don't believe me, ask +the Coachman. (_The Elderly G. explains that his wrappings prevent +him from getting at his purse just then, while the others contribute +with more or less readiness and liberality_.) Many thanks. Ladies and +Gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the Coachman, and to express my +sense of your generosity, I will sing you the great Jersey National +Song, composed by myself, before leaving. (_He sings a ditty with the +following spirited Chorus_):-- + + There the streets are paved with granite. So neat and clean + And lots of pretty, witty girls, are always to be seen! + With the brave old Mi-litia, Our foes to defy! + And there they grow the Cabba-ges--Ten feet high! + (_All together, Gentlemen, please_!) Yes, there they grow the + Cabbages, there they grow the Cabbages, there they grow + the Cabbages--Ten feet high! + +Thank you, Gentlemen, I've sung that song a number of times, and I +never remember hearing the chorus better sung. If you don't believe +me, ask the Coachman. + +_Coachman._ _I've_ never 'eard it better sung, Ladies and Gentlemen, +I assure you. + + [_GREEN the Guide descends in a blaze of popularity, and the + "Royal Blue" rolls on in excellent spirits._ + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL TRAINING. + +_Monday_.--Read Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's remarks on abstinence from bodily +exercise. Sold my bicycle, and gave away all my rackets, bats, &c. +Resolved to follow the latest system. Shall doubtless, by these means, +reach Mr. C.'s high position as a statesman and orator. Went out +in a Bath-chair. Five minutes after starting, man said he was not +accustomed to drag so heavy an invalid, and must rest a little. Tried +a speech--my maiden one--on the Disadvantages of Bodily Exercise. He +listened respectfully, and, when at last I had finished, said he quite +agreed with me, and that the fare was seven shillings. + +_Tuesday_.--Have decided that exercise in a Bath-chair is quite +superfluous. Resolved to take exercise, for the future, in a hammock, +just outside the garden-door. Must practise speech-making to the +gardener. Good idea--Orchids. Asked him what he thought about the new +Orchid. Miserable fool answered, "Awkud, zur? Dunno waht thaht be." +I said that was "awkud," and had to laugh at the highly original +side-splitter myself, as he never saw it. + +_Wednesday_.--Must really give up this long walk to the garden-door. +Shall never become a great statesman unless I do. Resolved to take +exercise in arm-chair in library. The children's governess came in +to fetch a book. Addressed her at some length on Free Education. +Afterwards, thought this subject was somewhat ill-chosen, as her +salary is so small. + +_Thursday_.--Really cannot stand this walking up and down stairs. +Shall remain for the future in my bed-room and take exercise on sofa +by fireside, as I feel chilly. Page came in with coals. Reminded me of +Policy of Scuttle. Spoke of this at some length, and woke him up with +difficulty when I had finished. Felt rather unwell. + +_Friday_.--Dressing and undressing is certainly needless fatigue, +and evidently causes this headache and general seediness. Shall take +exercise in bed. Felt worse. Female relatives anxious, and insist on +medical attendance. Assured them I was following the best system, and +answered their persistent demands by a short address on Home Rule. + +_Saturday_.--Felt so bad at five this morning, that Doctor was +fetched. Tried feebly to address him on the Eight Hours' Question, +when he said he never had any time to think how long he worked. +Explained my new system to him. He said I should myself want a new +system to stand such a course of treatment. Then he pulled me out of +bed, and insisted on my walking ten miles as soon as I was dressed. +Felt much better. Shall abandon politics and become a farmer, having +just heard of an infallible system for growing wheat profitably. + + * * * * * + +THE "RESTORATION" PERIOD.--Will the Chairmen of the L.C. & D. and the +S.E. Lines unite their forces? After the meeting on this subject last +week, Sir EDWARD will have lots of reason to listen to. But apart from +every consideration of _mal de mer_, and "From Calais to Dover," as +the poet sings "'Tis soonest over," there is not anywhere a better, +and we, who have suffered as greatly as the much-enduring Ulysses, +venture to assert not anywhere as good a luncheon as at the +"Restauration" (well it deserves the title!) of the Calais Station. +Every patriotic travelling Englishman must be delighted to think that +some few centuries ago we gave up Calais. Had it been nowadays in +English hands, why it might even now be possessed of a "Refreshment +Room" no better than--any on our side of the Channel, for there is no +necessity to particularise. From Dover to Calais is the shortest and +best restorative'd route for the traveller, whether ill or well, at +sea. + + * * * * * + +MOTTOES for the new Lord MAYOR. "_Nil obstet_," "_Nil fortius_," and, +from HORACE, "_Nil amplius oro_." This, in answer to thousands of +correspondents, is our last word on the subject; so after this (except +on the 9th of November), we say--_nil_. + + * * * * * + +SUCH A "LIGHT OPERA!" + +[Illustration: "Pity a Poo' Bar-itone!"] + +Had Sir ARTHUR written the music for _The Mountebanks_, and Sir BRIAN +DE BOIS GILBERT the book of _Haddon Hall_, both might have been big +successes So, however, it was not to be, and Sir ARTHUR chose this +book by Mr. GRUNDY, which labours under the disadvantages of being +original, and of not owing almost everything to a French source. It +isn't every day of the week that Mr. GRUNDY tumbles upon _A Pair of +Spectacles_ in a volume of French plays. The period to which the very +slight and uninteresting story of _Haddon Hall_ belongs is just before +the Restoration, but the dialogue of "the book" is spiced with modern +slang, both "up to date" (the date being this present year of Grace, +not sixteen hundred and sixty) and out of date. The "out-of-date" +slang, which is, "_I've got 'em on"_--alluding to the Scotchman's +trousers--has by far the best of it, as it comes at the end of the +piece, and enjoys the honour of having been set to music by the +variously-gifted Composer: so that "_I've got 'em on_," with its +enthusiastically treble-encored whiskey fling, capitally danced by +Miss NITA COLE as _Nance_, with Mr. DENNY as _The McCrankie_, may be +considered as the real hit of the evening, having in itself about +as much to do with whatever there is of the plot as would have the +entrance of Mr. JOEY GRIMALDI, in full Clown's costume, with "Here +we are again!" Of the music, as there was very little to catch and +take away, one had to leave it. Of course this seriously comic or +comically serious Opera is drawing--["_Music_," observes Mr. WAGG, +parenthetically, "cannot be _drawing_"]--and will continue to do +so for some little time, long enough at all events to reimburse +Mr. D'OYLY CARTE for his more than usually lavish outlay on the +_mise-en-scene._ + + [Illustration:"Christmas is comin'!" + The McClown of McClown dancing. + The Reel Hit of the Opera. + +In the Second Act, the mechanical change from the exterior of Haddon +Hall to the interior, must be reckoned as among the most effective +transformations ever seen on any stage. It would be still more so if +the time occupied in making it were reduced one-half, and the storm +in the orchestra, and the lightning seen through black gauze on stage +were omitted. The lightning frightens nobody, only amuses a few, +and in itself is no very great attraction. Even if these flashes +were a very striking performance; no danger to the audience need +be apprehended from it, seeing that Mr. CELLIER is in front as +"Conductor." Perhaps Mr. D'OYLY CARTE, noticing that Mr. GRUNDY calls +his piece "a light Opera," thought that, as it wasn't quite up to this +description, it would be as well if the required "light'ning" were +brought in somewhere, and so he introduced it here. If this be so, it +is about the only flash of genius in the performance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POST-PRANDIAL PESSIMISTS. + +SCENE--_The Smoking-room at the Decadents._ + +_First Decadent_ (_M.A. Oxon._). "AFTER ALL, SMYTHE, WHAT WOULD LIFE +BE WITHOUT COFFEE?" + +_Second Decadent_ (_B.A. Camb._). "TRUE, JEOHNES, TRUE! AND YET, AFTER +ALL, WHAT IS LIFE _WITH_ COFFEE?"] + + * * * * * + +"CROSSING THE BAR." + +IN MEMORIAM. + +ALFRED LORD TENNYSON. + +BORN, AUGUST 5, 1809. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1892. + +"TALIESSEN is our fullest throat of song."--_The Holy Grail_. + + Our fullest throat of song is silent, hushed + In Autumn, when the songless woods are still, + And with October's boding hectic flushed + Slowly the year disrobes. A passionate thrill + Of strange proud sorrow pulses through the land, + His land, his England, which he loved so well: + And brows bend low, as slow from strand to strand + The Poet's passing bell + Sends forth its solemn note, and every heart + Chills, and sad tears to many an eyelid start. + + Sad tears in sooth! And yet not wholly so. + Exquisite echoes of his own swan-song + Forbid mere murmuring mournfulness; the glow + Of its great hope illumes us. Sleep, thou strong + Full tide, as over the unmeaning bar + Fares this unfaltering darer of the deep, + Beaconed by a Great Light, the pilot-star + Of valiant souls, who keep + Through the long strife of thought-life free from scathe + The luminous guidance of the larger faith. + + No sadness of farewell? Great Singer, crowned + With lustrous laurel, facing that far light, + In whose white radiance dark seems whelmed and drowned, + And death a passing shade, of meaning slight; + Sunset, and evening star, and that clear call, + The twilight shadow, and the evening bell, + Bring naught of gloom for thee. Whate'er befall + Thou must indeed fare well. + But we--we have but memories now, and love + The plaint of fond regret will scarce reprove. + + Great singer, he, and great among the great, + Or greatness hath no sure abiding test. + The poet's splendid pomp, the shining state + Of royal singing robes, were his, confest, + By slowly growing certitude of fame, + Since first, a youth, he found fresh-opening portals + To Beauty's Pleasure-House. Ranked with acclaim + Amidst the true Immortals, + The amaranth fields with native ease he trod, + Authentic son of the lyre-bearing god. + + Fresh portals, untrod pleasaunces, new ways + In Art's great Palace, shrined in Nature's heart, + Sought the young singer, and his limpid lays, + O'er sweet, perchance, yet made the quick blood start + To many a cheek mere glittering; rhymes left cold. + But through the gates of Ivory or of Horn + His vivid vision flocked, and who so bold + As to repulse with scorn + The shining troop because of shadowy birth. + Of bodiless passion, or light tinkling mirth? + + But the true god-gift grows. Sweet, sweet, still sweet + As great Apollo's lyre, or Pan's plain reed, + His music flowed, but slowly he out-beat + His song to finer issues. Fingers fleet, + That trifled with the pipe-stops, shook grand sound + From the great organ's golden mouths anon. + A mellow-measured might, a beauty bound + (As Venus with her zone) + By that which shaped from chaos Earth, Air, Sky, + The unhampering restraint of Harmony. + + Hysteric ecstasy, new fierce, now faint, + But ever fever-sick, shook not his lyre + With epileptic fervours. Sensual taint + Of satyr heat, or bacchanal desire, + Polluted not the passion of his song; + No corybantic clangor clamoured through + Its manly harmonies, as sane as strong; + So that the captious few + Found sickliness in pure Elysian balm, + And coldness in such high Olympian calm. + +[Illustration: "CROSSING THE BAR." + "TWILIGHT AND EVENING BELL, AND AFTER THAT THE DARK" + "AND MAY THERE BE NO SADNESS OF FAREWELL, WHEN I EMBARK."--TENNYSON.] + + Impassioned purity, high minister + Of spirit's joys, was his, reserved, restrained. + His song was like the sword Excalibur + Of his symbolic knight; trenchant, unstained. + It shook the world of wordly baseness, smote + The Christless heathendom of huckstering days. + There is no harshness in that mellow note, + No blot upon those bays; + For loyal love and knightly valour rang + Through rich immortal music when he sang. + + ARTHUR, his friend, the Modern Gentleman, + ARTHUR, the hero, his ideal Knight, + Inspired his strains. From fount to flood they ran + A flawless course of melody and light. + A Christian chivalry shone in his song + From Locksley Hall to shadowy Lyonnesse, + Whence there stand forth two figures, stately, strong, + Symbols of spirit's stress; + The blameless King, saintship with scarce a blot, + And song's most noble sinner, LANCELOT. + + Lover of England, lord of English hearts, + Master of English speech, painter supreme + Of English landscape! Patriot passion starts + A-flame, pricked by the words that glow and gleam + In those imperial paeans, which might arm + Pale cowards for the fray. Touched by his hand + The simple sweetness, and the homely charm + Of our green garden-land + Take on a witchery as of Arden's glade, + Or verdant Vallombrosa's leafy shade. + + The fragrant fruitfulness of wood and wold, + Of flowery upland, and of orchard-lawn, + Lit by the lingering evening's softened gold, + Or flushed with rose-hued radiance of the dawn; + Bird-music beautiful; the robin's trill, + Or the rook's drowsy clangour; flats that run + From sky to sky, dusk woods that drape the hill, + Still lakes that draw the sun; + All, all are mirror'd in his verse, and there + Familiar beauties shine most strangely fair. + + Poet, the pass-key magical was thine, + To Beauty's Fairy World, in classic calm + Or rich romantic colour. Bagdat's shrine + By sheeny Tigris, Syrian pool and palm, + Avilion's bowery hollows, Ida's peak, + The lily-laden Lotos land, the fields + Of amaranth! What may vagrant Fancy seek + More than thy rich song yields, + Of Orient odour, Faery wizardry, + Or soft Arcadian simplicity? + + From all, far Faery Land, Romance's realm, + Green English homestead, cloud-crown'd Attic hill, + The Poet passes--whither? Not the helm + Of wounded ARTHUR, lit by light that fills + Avilion's fair horizons, gleamed more bright + Than does that leonine laurelled visage now, + Fronting with steadfast look that mystic Light. + Grave eye, and gracious brow + Turn from the evening bell, the earthly shore, + To face the Light that floods him evermore. + + Farewell! How fitlier should a poet pass + Than thou from that dim chamber and the gleam + Of poor earth's purest radiance? Love, alas! + Of that strange scene must long in sorrow dream. + But we--we hear thy manful music still! + A royal requiem for a kingly soul! + No sadness of farewell! Away regret, + When greatness nears its goal! + We follow thee, in thought, through light, afar + Divinely piloted beyond the bar! + + * * * * * + +TO MY SWEETHEART. + + ["Those roses you bought and gave to me are marvels. They are + still alive."--_Her Letter_.] + +[Illustration] + + A Hothouse where some roses blew, + And, whilst the outer world was white, + The gentle roses softly grew + To fragrant visions of delight. + + Some wretched florist owned them all, + And plucked them from their native bowers, + Then gaily showed them on his stall + To swell the ranks of "Fresh-Cut Flowers." + + _Some_ went beside a bed of pain + Where influenza claimed its due; + They drooped and never smiled again, + The epidemic had them too. + + A gay young gallant bought some buds, + And jauntily went out to dine + With other reckless sporting bloods, + Who talked of women, drank of wine; + + But whilst they talked, and smoked, and drank, + And told tales not too sanctified. + Abashed the timid blossoms shrank, + Changed colour, faded, and then died. + + Yet roses, too, I gave to you, + I saw you place them near your heart, + You wore them all the evening through, + You wore them when we came to part. + + But now you write to me, my dear, + And marvel that they are not dead, + Their beauty does not disappear, + Their fragrant perfume has not fled. + + The reason's plain. Somehow aright + The flowers know if we ignore them. + The roses live for sheer delight + At knowing, Sweetheart, that _you_ wore them. + + * * * * * + +THOUGHTS--NOT WORTH A PENNY. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE BURLESQUE-ROMANCE OF "NO CENTS; OR, THE NEW +CRITICISM."_) + +The Critic of the new cult visited a tailor's establishment, and was +delighted with all he saw. There were coats, and vests, and other +garments. + +"I make some fifty per cent. profit," said the proprietor of the +establishment, stroking his moustache with a hand adorned with many a +diamond ring. "Of course it causes some labour, thought, and time--but +I get my money for my trouble." + +"And why not?" replied the Critic. "Are you not worth it? Do you not +devote your energy to it? Must you not live?" + +And, having said this, the Reviewer visited another place of business. +This time he had entered the office of a Stockbroker. + +"Of course it is rather anxious work sometimes," said the alternative +representative of a bull and a bear. "But it pays in the long run. +I manage to keep up a house in South Kensington, and a carriage and +pair, out of my takings." + +"Again, why not?" responded the Critic. "You have a wife and family. +Must you not live?" Then the Critic visited Cheesemongers, and +Bankers, Solicitors, and Upholsterers. At last, he reached the modest +abode of an Author. + +"Ah!" said he, in a tone of contempt; "you write books and plays! Why? + +"Why, to sell them," answered the Poet, in a faltering voice. + +"Sell them!" echoed the Critic, in tones of thunder. "What do you mean +by that?" + +"Why, one must live!" + +"Nonsense! The universe can get on very well without anyone. You might +be dispensed with; and, if it comes to that, so might I. Yes, I am not +wanted." + +"Quite true!" murmured the Author; "indeed, you are not!" + +"And, after all, what _is_ your work? Mere brain action! Anyone who +could wield a pen could do it for you! And you expect to be paid, as +if you were a tradesman--a Tailor or an Upholsterer!" + +"But am I not a man and a brother? Do I not get hungry, like anyone +else? Have I not a wife and family?" + +"That is entirely beside the question," persisted the Critic. "All you +have to consider are the claims of Art. Now, Art is not to be served +by paid votaries." + +"Then I suppose am unworthy," replied the Author, mournfully shaking +his head. Well, let us exchange places. You shall be the Author, and +I will be the Critic." + +"Very sorry, my dear friend, but that is an unjust division. By that +means you would receive all the money." + +"And why not? If I am to write, why am I not to be paid?" + +"Because it is beneath the dignity of an Author to write with a view +to obtaining cash." + +"Indeed! Well, I am tired of work. You have nothing to do but +criticise. Let us swap positions." + +"Are you mad?" shouted the Critic. "Why, I am fond of my work. You +don't imagine I am going to give up my salary to you? Why, it would +demoralise you. I know the drawback of the system." And the Author +applied himself to the study of the New Criticism, and it seemed as +great a mystery to him as ever. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Nothing but a keen sense of duty, coupled with the possession of _the_ +smartest thing in waterproof overcoats ever seen, would have tempted +me to go racing last week; but the claims of Hurst Park were not to +be denied, and my reward was, assisting at perhaps the most successful +meeting ever held there--(the backers "went down" to a man, and so +did the excellent lunch--so what more _could_ you want?)--and, in +addition, being told by at least twenty people, the name of the winner +of the Cesarewitch!--they all named different horses, so that _one_ is +almost certain to be able to say next week, in that annoying tone of +voice people adopt after a successful prophecy--(this does _not_ apply +to Just Prophets, who are notoriously modest in success)--"_There_! +I _told_ you it was a certainty for _Whiteface_!--couldn't lose!--_of +course_ you backed it, after what I told you!"--which of course was +the very reason why you _hadn't_ backed it; however--as he may really +be able to tell you something on a future occasion, you put on a +ghastly smile, and say--"Oh, yes--I had a trifle on--but my _money_ +was on _Blackfoot_ before you told me--but it got me out!"--and it +does "get you out" too, for nothing is more annoying than to be told +you "ought to have won a good stake!" + +However, with regard to the great race next week, I am fortunately +able to set aside all "information received," because I have had _a +dream_!--not one of the ordinary lobster-salad kind of racing-dreams +one reads about--(naturally _I_ should not have an inferior kind, +having ordered in a stock of the "best selected," one to be taken +every night at bed-time)--in which the dreamer only sees _one_ +horse--but a most complicated affair, from which it will be an easy +task for anyone skilled in dream-lore to extract the winner! + +Well--I had been rather upset during the day, so to quiet my nerves, +on reaching home, I took, before going to bed, just a little _Golden +Drop_ of _Brandy_ as an _Insurance_ against restlessness--went +to sleep, and dreamt that my friends _Lady Villikins_ and _Madame +d'Albany_, with their maid _Helen Ware_, were attacked on their way +from _Illsley_ to _Weymouth_, by some _Dare Devil_ of a _Circassian_, +whose horse's hoofs rang in a _Metallic_ manner on the road! They were +rescued in the pass of _Ben Avon_ by the gallant _Burnaby_, who after +a long _Rigmarole_, squared their captor, _Roy Neil_, with a _Hanover +Jack_, and acted as their _Pilot_ to safe quarters at _Versailles_! +There!--that was my dream--and I think it points most conclusively +to the winner; and, anyone unable to pick the right one, need only +back them _all_, and there you are!--or at least you _may_ be. If +they don't care to do this, they can avail themselves of my verse +selection--which I did _not_ dream--and which, therefore, is _quite_ +as reliable. + +Yours, devotedly, LADY GAY. + +CESAREWITCH SELECTION. + + Oh, _Weymouth_ is a pleasant _place_, + And bathing tents are handy; + When coming out, if white your face, + Why, take a nip of _Brandy_. + +P.S.--This advice is not intended for confirmed Topers. + + * * * * * + +"SUR LE TAPIS."--If the new Carpet Knight, Sir BLONDEL MAPLE--which is +our troubadourish way of spelling it--be exceptionally successful on +the Turf, isn't he just the man to "make his 'pile' and cut it"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CONTENTED MIND. + +_He_. "A--THE FACT IS, I DON'T CARE FOR POPULARITY. I ONLY WISH MY +BOOKS TO BE ADMIRED BY THOSE WHOSE ADMIRATION IS REALLY WORTH HAVING!" + +_She_. "AND WHO ARE THEY?" + +_He_. "THOSE WHO ADMIRE MY BOOKS!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Not the least interesting figure in the circle of _The Racing Life of +Lord George Bentinck_, which Messrs. BLACKWOOD produce in a handsome +volume, is that of JOHN KENT, who, under the editorship of Mr. FRANK +LAWLEY, tells the story. KENT was trainer to Lord GEORGE during +the period when, to quote the characteristic Disraelian phrase, +his Lordship became "Lord Paramount of the Turf." It is forty-four +years since Lord GEORGE was found lying dead on his face in the +water-meadows near Welbeck Abbey. Yet KENT remembers all about +him--his six feet of height, his long black frock-coat, his velvet +waistcoat, his gold chain, and his "costly cream-coloured satin scarf +of great length, knotted under his chin, with a gold pin stuck in +it." These scarves cost twenty shillings a-piece, and it was one of +Lord GEORGE's fancies never to wear one a second time. When he died +whole drawersful of them were found, and honest JOHN KENT purchased +half-a-dozen from his Lordship's valet, who seems to have kept his +eye on them. Did he ever wear them on Sundays? My Baronite who has +been reading the book trows not. JOHN KENT knows his place better +than that, and when he goes the way that masters and servants tread +together, the scarves will doubtless be found tucked away in _his_ +chest of drawers. My Baronite is not able to take the same lofty view +of the defunct nobleman who played at politics and worked at racing as +does his faithful old servitor. Lord GEORGE seems to have been, as the +cabman observed of the late JOHN FORSTER, "a harbitery gent," kind to +those who faithfully serve him (as one is kind to a useful hound), +but relentless to any who offended him or crossed his path. Moreover, +whilst, as his biographer devoutly says, he purified the turf, he was +not, upon occasion, above fighting blacklegs with their own weapons. +The book gives clear glimpses of men and times which, less than half +a century dead, will never live again. It pleasantly testifies that, +though no man may be a hero to his valet, Lord GEORGE BENTINCK remains +one in the eyes of his trainer. + +The Baron not having read a three-volume novel for some considerable +time, may safely affirm, instead of taking his oath, that Mrs. +OLIPHANT's _The Cuckoo in the Nest_ is one of the best he has come +across for quite two months. It opens well, and if it drops a bit +about the middle, there are all sorts of surprises yet in store for +the reader, who, the Baron assures him or her, will be rewarded for +his, or her, perseverance. + +The Baron begs to recommend the latest volume of the Whitefriars +Library, called _King Zub_, by W.H. POLLOCK. _Zub_ is a wise poodle, +and the waggish tale of the dog gives the name to the collection. +_The Fleeting Show_ is quite on a par with _The Green Lady_ in a +former collection by the same author, and such other stories as _Sir +Jocelyn's Cap_ and _A Phantom Fish_ will delight those who, like the +Baron, love the mixture as before of the weird and the humorous. In +the _Phantom Fish_ there is much local dialect, and The Baron coming +across the expression, "a proper bender," is inclined to ask if this +is not Zummerzetsheer for, and only applicable to, a running hare? The +Baron remembers the expression well, though 'tis years since he heard +it, and owns to being uncertain as to whether it is not Devonian or +Cornish. That he heard it applied to a hare apparent he is prepared +to make oath and say; but he is not in the least prepared to assert +that it is not generally applied as an expression of admiration for +adroitness in avoiding pursuit. "Be that as it may, give me _King Zub_ +and the other stories, a good fire, a glass of spiritual comfort, a +cosy chair, and a soothing pipe, and I am prepared to spend a pleasant +evening," says + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S DEER-STALKING PARTY.] + + * * * * * + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) + +In our last (it is _Mr. Punch_ who speaks), we indicated very briefly +the conversational possibilities of the Gun. It must be observed, that +this treatise makes no pretensions to be exhaustive. Something must, +after all, be left to the ingenuity of the young shooter who desires +to talk of sport. All that these hints profess, is to put him in the +way of shining, if there is a certain amount of natural brightness to +begin upon. The next subject will be-- + +CARTRIDGES. + +[Illustration] + +To a real talker, this subject offers an infinite variety of +opportunities. First, you can begin to fight the battle of the +powders, as thus:-- + +"What powder are you shooting with this year, CHALMERS?" + +"Schultze." + +"How do you find it kill?" + +"Deadly--absolutely-deadly: best lot I've ever had." + +You need not say anything more now. The discussion will get along +beautifully without you, for you will have drawn, (1), the man who +very much prefers E.C., which he warrants to kill at a distance no +other powder can attain to; (2), the man who uses E.C. or Schultze +for his right barrel, and always puts a black-powder cartridge into +his left; (3), the detester of innovations, who means to go on using +the good old black-powder for both barrels as long as he lives; and +(4), the man who is trying an entirely new patent powder, infinitely +superior to anything else ever invented, and is willing to give +everybody, not only the address of the maker, but half a dozen +cartridges to try. + +You cannot make much of "charges" of powder. Good shots are dogmatic +on the point, and ordinary shots don't bother their heads about it, +trusting entirely to the man who sells them their cartridges. Still +you might throw out, here and there, a few words about "drams" and +"grains." Only, above all things, be careful _not_ to mention drams +in connection with anything but black powder, nor grains, except with +reference to Schultze or E.C. A laboriously-acquired reputation as a +scientific shot has been known to be ruined by a want of clearness on +this important point. + +"Shot." Conversationally much more valuable than powder. "Very few +people agree," says a well-known authority; "as to what is the best +size of shot to use, and many forget that the charge which will suit +one gun, and one description of game, will not do as well for another. +Usually, one gun will shoot better one size of shot than will another, +and we may safely say, that large bores shoot large shot better than +do smaller bores." This last sentence has the beautiful ring of a +profound truism. Lay it by for use, and bring it out with emphasis in +the midst of such disagreement and forgetfulness as are here alluded +to. "If a shooter is a good shot," says the same classic, "he may +use No. 6 early in the season, and only for partridges--afterwards, +nothing but No. 5. To the average shot, No. 6 throughout the season." +This sounds dreadfully invidious. If a good shot cannot kill grouse +with No. 6, how on earth is a merely average shot to do the trick? +But, in these matters, the conversationalist finds his opportunity. +Only they must not be pushed too far. There was once a party of +genial, light-hearted friends, who went out shooting. Early in the +day, slight differences of opinion made themselves observed with +reference to the size of shot. Lunch found them still more or less +good-tempered, but each obstinately determined not to give way even by +a fraction on the point under discussion. + +[Illustration] + +Afterwards they began again. The very dogs grew ashamed of the +noise, and went home. That afternoon there was peace in the world of +birds--at least, on that particular shooting--and the next morning saw +the shooting-parties of England reduced by one, which had separated +in different dog-carts, and various stages of high dudgeon, for the +railway station. So, please to be very, very careful. Use the methods +of compromise. If you find your friend obstinately pinned to No. 5, +when you have declared a preference for No. 6, meet him half-way, +or even profess to be converted by his arguments. Or tell him the +anecdote about the Irishman, who always shot snipe with No. 4, +because, "being such a little bird, bedad, you want a bigger shot to +get at the beggar." You can then inform him how you yourself once did +dreadful execution among driven grouse in a gale of wind with No. 8 +shot, which you had brought out by mistake. You may object that you +never, as a matter of fact, did this execution, never having even shot +at all with No. 8. Tush! you are puling. If you are going to let a +conscientious accuracy stand in your way like this, you had better +become dumb when sporting talk is flying about. Of course you must not +exaggerate too much. Only bumptious fools do that, and they are called +liars for their pains. But a _little_ exaggeration, just a _soupcon_ +of romance, does no one any harm, while it relieves the prosaic +dullness of the ordinary anecdote. So, swallow your scruples, and + + Join the gay throng + That goes talking along, + For we'll all go romancing to-day. + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +DOE VERSUS ROE(DENT). + + ["The basements of the Royal Courts of Justice have lately + been invaded by swarms of mice. They have become very + audacious, and have penetrated into the Courts themselves, + whose walls are lined with legal volumes, the leaves of which + provide them with a rich feast."--_Daily Paper_.] + + For students of the law to "eat + Their terms" is obviously right, + But to devour the books themselves + Is impolite. + + Unfortunately Mr. STREET. + Who planned the legal edif-[=i]ce, + Designed a splendid trap for men, + But not for mice. + + To view the Courts at midnight now, + The Courts all in the stilly Strand, + With rodents squeaking out their pleas, + That _would_ be grand! + + No Ushers 'ush them; they consume + The stiffest calf you ever saw, + Developing, these curious beasts, + A taste for Law. + + They fill--perhaps--the box wherein, + Twelve bothered men have often sat, + And try, with every proper form, + Some absent cat. + + A fore-mouse probably they choose, + The culprit's advocate deride, + And fix upon that cat the guilt + Of mouseycide. + + At the Refreshment-bars, perchance, + They eat the cakes, and drink the milk, + And in the Robing-room indulge + In "taking silk." + + The Judges' sacred Bench itself + From scampering feet is not exempt; + With calmness they commit, of Court, + Frightful "contempt." + + Through _Byles on Bills_ they eat their way; + Law "Digests" they at will digest; + Not even _Coke on Littleton_ + Sticks on _their_ chests! + + Wanted--the stodgiest Law-book out! + The Judges soon _must_ note these facts, + And try a copy of the Ju- + -dicature Acts! + + * * * * * + +WHY THE FRENCH WON THE BOAT-RACE. + +(_ANSWERS SUPPLIED BY AN UNPREJUDICED BRITON._) + +[Illustration] + +Because the English Eight had had no practice on the Seine. + +Because the Londoners had had a fearful passage crossing the Channel. + +Because they smashed their boat, and had to have it repaired. + +Because the English steering might have been better. + +Because the weather was intolerable, and chiefly affected the +Englishmen. + +Because the Londoners had no chance of pulling together. + +Because the French knew the course better than the English. + +Because the race should have been rowed weeks before. + +Because the race should not have been rowed for months. + +Because the British naturally liked to see the foreigners win. + +And last (and least), because the French had by far the better crew! + + * * * * * + +ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE.--The style, title, office, and dignity +of Archbishop of Canterbury, with all appurtenances thereto belonging, +with all emoluments, spiritualities and temporalities appertaining, +have been conferred by letters patent, under supreme authority, +according to Act V. Henricus Noster in such cases made and provided, +on the Rev. Mr. VINCENT, in consequence of the retirement of the Right +Rev. ARTHUR STIRLING from the said office; the duties of which he so +recently and so effectively performed between the hours of ten-thirty +and eleven-fifteen every night for several months at the Theatre Royal +Lyceum. We are in a position to add, that his resignation of this +high and valuable office, has not taken place in consequence of any +question as to the validity or invalidity of orders ("not admitted +after 7.30"), nor has this step been rendered imperative by reason of +any "irregularity" in "properties" or "appointments." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, October 15, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15453.txt or 15453.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/5/15453/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15453.zip b/15453.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbff7da --- /dev/null +++ b/15453.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..04b1d01 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15453 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15453) |
