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diff --git a/15387.txt b/15387.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7959bba --- /dev/null +++ b/15387.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8678 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities, by Robert Smith Surtees + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + +Author: Robert Smith Surtees + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15387] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + + + + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + + Robert Surtees + +CONTENTS + + I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY + II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY + III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE + IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS + V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET + VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY + VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE + VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH + IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS + X. SPORTING IN FRANCE + XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE" + XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY + XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN + + + +I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY + +What true-bred city sportsman has not in his day put off the most urgent +business--perhaps his marriage, or even the interment of his rib--that +he might "brave the morn" with that renowned pack, the Surrey +subscription foxhounds? Lives there, we would ask, a thoroughbred, +prime, bang-up, slap-dash, break-neck, out-and-out artist, within three +miles of the Monument, who has not occasionally "gone a good 'un" with +this celebrated pack? And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, born all +deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft have witnessed--nay, +shared--the hardy exploits of our fellow-cits, shall we sit still, and +never cease the eternal twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, +while other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats of +beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father Thames himself with +muddy Whissendine's foul stream? Away! thou vampire, Indolence, that +suckest the marrow of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of idea +ere yet it float on the milk of reflection. Hence! slug-begotten hag, +thy power is gone--the murky veil thou'st drawn o'er memory's sweetest +page is rent! + + Harp of Eastcheap, awake! + +Our thoughts hark back to the cover-side, and our heart o'erflows with +recollections of the past, when life rode the pace through our veins, +and the bark of the veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest +costermonger's sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more musical sounds than +Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalani's clamorous caterwaulings. + +And, thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow--chaste Diana--deign to become the +leading star of our lucubrations; come perch upon our grey goose quill; +shout in our ear the maddening Tally-ho! and ever and anon give a +salutary "refresher" to our memory with thy heaven-wrought spurs--those +spurs old Vulcan forged when in his maddest mood--whilst we relate such +feats of town-born youths and city squires, as shall "harrow up +the souls" of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and "fright their +grass-galloping garrons from their propriety." But gently, +Pegasus!--Here again, boys, and "let's to business," as they say on +'Change. + +'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that such portion of a +county as is hunted by any one pack of hounds is technically denominated +their country; and of all countries under the sun, that of the Surrey +subscription foxhounds undoubtedly bears the bell. This superiority +arises from the peculiar nature of the soil--wretched starvation stuff +most profusely studded with huge sharp flints--the abundance of large +woods, particularly on the Kent side, and the range of mountainous hills +that run directly through the centre, which afford accommodation to the +timid, and are unknown in most counties and unequalled in any. + +One of the most striking features in the aspect of this chosen region of +fox-hunting, is the quiet easy manner in which the sportsmen take the +thing. On they go--now trotting gently over the flints--now softly +ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous hill--now quietly +following each other in long-drawn files, like geese, through some +close and deep ravine, or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their +never-ceasing holloas--every man shouting in proportion to the amount of +his subscription, until day is made horrible with their yelling. There +is no pushing, jostling, rushing, cramming, or riding over one another; +no jealousy, discord, or daring; no ridiculous foolhardy feats; but each +man cranes and rides, and rides and cranes in a style that would gladden +the eye of a director of an insurance office. + +The members of the Surrey are the people that combine business with +pleasure, and even in the severest run can find time for sweet +discourse, and talk about the price of stocks or stockings. "Yooi wind +him there, good dog, yooi wind him."--"Cottons is fell."--"Hark to +Cottager! Hark!"--"Take your bill at three months, or give you three +and a half discount for cash." "Eu in there, eu in, Cheapside, good +dog."--"Don't be in a hurry, sir, pray. He may be in the empty casks +behind the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push him +out."--"You're not going down that bank, surely sir? Why, it's almost +perpendicular! For God's sake, sir, take care--remember you are not +insured. Ah! you had better get off--here, let me hold your nag, and +when you're down you can catch mine;--that's your sort but mind he +doesn't break the bridle. He won't run away, for he knows I've got some +sliced carrots in my pocket to reward him if he does well.--Thank you, +sir, and now for a leg up--there we are--that's your sort--I'll wait +till you are up also, and we'll be off together." + +It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business of life with +the energetic sports of the field, that constitutes the charm of Surrey +hunting; and who can wonder that smoke-dried cits, pent up all the week, +should gladly fly from their shops to enjoy a day's sport on a Saturday? +We must not, however, omit to express a hope that young men, who +have their way to make in the world, may not be led astray by its +allurements. It is all very well for old-established shopkeepers "to do +a bit of pleasure" occasionally, but the apprentice or journeyman, who +understands his duties and the tricks of his trade, will never be found +capering in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place is +behind the counter; and while his master is away enjoying the pleasures +of the chase, he can prig as much "pewter" from the till as will take +both himself and his lass to Sadler's Wells theatre, or any other place +she may choose to appoint. + +But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, nine miles from +the standard in Cornhill, is the general rendezvous of the gallant +sportsmen. It is the principal market town in the eastern division of +the county of Surrey; and the chaw-bacons who carry the produce of their +acres to it, instead of to the neighbouring village of London, retain +much of their pristine barbarity. The town furnishes an interesting +scene on a hunting morning, particularly on a Saturday. At an early +hour, groups of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from the London +side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches,[1] some in taxed carts, but +the greater number mounted on good serviceable-looking nags, of the +invaluable species, calculated for sport or business, "warranted free +from vice, and quiet both to ride and in harness"; some few there are, +who, with that kindness and considerate attention which peculiarly mark +this class of sportsmen, have tacked a buggy to their hunter, and given +a seat to a friend, who leaning over the back of the gig, his jocund +phiz turned towards his fidus Achates, leads his own horse behind, +listening to the discourse of "his ancient," or regaling him "with sweet +converse"; and thus they onward jog, until the sign of the "Greyhound," +stretching quite across the main street, greets their expectant optics, +and seems to forbid their passing the open portal below. In they wend +then, and having seen their horses "sorted," and the collar marks (as +much as may be) carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due +quantity of grease and lamp-black, speed in to "mine host" and order a +sound repast of the good things of this world; the which to discuss, +they presently apply themselves with a vigour that indicates as much a +determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in stock against the +effects of future exertion. Meanwhile the bustle increases; sportsmen +arrive by the score, fresh tables are laid out, covered with "no end" of +vivers; and towards the hour of nine, may be heard to perfection, that +pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing from the masticatory organs of +a number of men steadfastly and studiously employed in the delightful +occupation of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. "O noctes +coenaeque Deum," said friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting breakfasts! say we. +Where are now the jocund laugh, the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the +last debate? As our sporting contemporary, the _Quarterly_, said, when +describing the noiseless pursuit of old reynard by the Quorn: "Reader, +there is no crash now, and not much music." It is the tinker that makes +a great noise over a little work, but, at the pace these men are eating, +there is no time for babbling. So, gentle lector, there is now no +leisure for bandying compliments, 'tis your small eater alone who +chatters o'er his meals; your true-born sportsman is ever a silent and, +consequently, an assiduous grubber. True it is that occasionally space +is found between mouthfuls to vociferate "WAITER!" in a tone that +requires not repetition; and most sonorously do the throats of the +assembled eaters re-echo the sound; but this is all--no useless +exuberance of speech--no, the knife or fork is directed towards what +is wanted, nor needs there any more expressive intimation of the +applicant's wants. + +[Footnote 1: The date of this description, it must be remembered, is put +many years back.] + +At length the hour of ten approaches; bills are paid, pocket-pistols +filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses accoutred, and our bevy straddle +forth into the town, to the infinite gratification of troops of +dirty-nosed urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in at the +windows, impatiently watching for the _exeunt_ of our worthies.--They +mount, and away--trot, trot--bump, bump--trot, trot--bump, bump--over +Addington Heath, through the village, and up the hill to Hayes Common, +which having gained, spurs are applied, and any slight degree of +pursiness that the good steeds may have acquired by standing at livery +in Cripplegate, or elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a +smart brush over the turf, to the "Fox," at Keston, where a numerous +assemblage of true sportsmen patiently await the usual hour for throwing +off. At length time being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, and Mr. +Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal subscribers having cast up, +the hounds approach the cover. "Yooi in there!" shouts Tom Hills, who +has long hunted this crack pack; and crack! crack! crack! go the whips +of some scores of sportsmen. "Yelp, yelp, yelp," howl the hounds; and in +about a quarter of an hour Tom has not above four or five couple at his +heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad at a gap in the +fence by the wood-side; the old nag goes well at it, but stops short at +the critical moment, and, instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels +round. Tom, however, who is "large in the boiling pieces," as they say +at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight from being shaken out of his +saddle; and, being resolved to take no denial, he lays the crop of his +hunting-whip about the head of his beast, and runs him at the same spot +a second time, with an _obligato_ accompaniment of his spur-rowels, +backed by a "curm along then!" issued in such a tone as plainly informs +his quadruped he is in no joking humour. These incentives succeed in +landing Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when, immediately, +the wood begins to resound with shouts of "Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks +True-bo-y, yoicks push him up, yoicks wind him!" and the whole pack +begin to work like good 'uns. Occasionally may be heard the howl of some +unfortunate hound that has been caught in a fox trap, or taken in a hare +snare; and not unfrequently the discordant growls of some three or +four more, vociferously quarrelling over the venerable remains of some +defunct rabbit. "Oh, you rogues!" cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously +fond of the sport. After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the wood +for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastising the gourmands. Another +quarter of an hour, and a hound that has finished his coney bone slips +out of the wood, and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, no +doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching his hide among +brambles in the covers. "Hounds have no right to opine," opines the head +whipper-in; so clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the +delinquent round the common, with "Markis, Markis! what are you at, +Markis? get into cover, Markis!" But "it's no go"; Marquis creeps +through a hedge, and "grins horribly a ghastly smile" at his ruthless +tormentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had an excuse for +taking "a bit gallop"! Half an hour more slips away, and some of +the least hasty of our cits begin to wax impatient, in spite of the +oft-repeated admonition, "don't be in a hurry!" At length a yokel pops +out of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered breath, informs the +field that he has been "a-hollorin' to 'em for half an hour," and that +the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, 'most as soon as ever the 'oounds +went into 'ood." + +All is now hurry-scurry--girths are tightened--reins gathered +up--half-munched sandwiches thrust into the mouth--pocket-pistols +applied to--coats comfortably buttoned up to the throat; and, these +preparations made, away goes the whole field, "coolly and fairly," along +the road to Leaves Green and Crown Ash Hill--from which latter spot, the +operations of the pack in the bottom may be comfortably and securely +viewed--leaving the whips to flog as many hounds out of cover as they +can, and Tom to entice as many more as are willing to follow the "twang, +twang, twang" of his horn. + +And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been seduced from the +wood, forth sallies "Tummas," and making straight for the spot where our +yokel's "mate" stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him the +exact latitude and longitude of the spot where reynard broke through the +hedge. To this identical place is the pack forthwith led; and, no sooner +have they reached it, than the wagging of their sterns clearly shows how +genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at length, first looking up in +Tom's face for applause, ventures to send forth a long-drawn howl, +which, coupled with Tom's screech, setting the rest agog, away they all +go, like beans; and the wind, fortunately setting towards Westerham, +bears the melodious sound to the delighted ears of our "roadsters," who, +forthwith catching the infection, respond with deafening shouts and +joyous yells, set to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony. +Thus, what with Tom's horn, the holloaing of the whips, and the shouts +of the riders, a very pretty notion may be formed of what Virgil calls: + + "Clamorque virum, clangorque tubarum." + +A terrible noise is the result! + +At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come to fault in the +bottom, below the blacksmith's, at Crown Ash Hill, and the fox has a +capital chance; in fact, they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, +which rushed out before them, and finding their mistake, return at their +leisure. This gives the most daring of the field, on the eminence, an +opportunity of descending to view the sport more closely; and being +assembled in the bottom, each congratulates his neighbour on the +excellent condition and stanchness of the hounds, and the admirable view +that has been afforded them of their peculiar style of hunting. At this +interesting period, a "regular swell" from Melton Mowbray, unknown to +everyone except his tailor, to whom he owes a long tick, makes his +appearance and affords abundance of merriment for our sportsmen. He +is just turned out of the hands of his valet, and presents the very +beau-ideal of his caste--"quite the lady," in fact. His hat is stuck on +one side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed ringlets; a corresponding +infinity of whisker, terminating at the chin, there joins an enormous +pair of moustaches, which give him the appearance of having caught the +fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His neck is very stiff; +and the exact Jackson-like fit of his coat, which almost nips him in two +at the waist, and his superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,[2] +together with the perfume and the general puppyism of his appearance, +proclaim that he is a "swell" of the very first water, and one that a +Surrey sportsman would like to buy at his own price and sell at the +other's. In addition to this, his boots, which his "fellow" has +just denuded from a pair of wash-leather covers, are of the finest, +brightest, blackest patent leather imaginable; the left one being the +identical boot by which Warren's monkey shaved himself, while the right +is the one at which the game-cock pecked, mistaking its own shadow for +an opponent, the mark of its bill being still visible above the instep; +and the tops--whose pampered appetites have been fed on champagne--are +of the most delicate cream-colour, the whole devoid of mud or speck. The +animal he bestrides is no less calculated than himself to excite the +risible faculties of the field, being a sort of mouse colour, with dun +mane and tail, got by Nicolo, out of a flibbertigibbet mare, and he +stands seventeen hands and an inch. His head is small and blood-like, +his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very long and spidery, of course +without any hair at the pasterns to protect them from the flints; his +whole appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile hunters' +stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than contend for foxes' brushes in +such a splendid country as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail +stuck tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all the world as +if troubled with a fit of ague. And well he may, poor beast, for--oh, +men of Surrey, London, Kent, and Middlesex, hearken to my word--on +closer inspection he proves to have been shaved!!![3] + +[Footnote 2: Anderson, of South Audley Street, is, or was, a famous +breeches-maker.] + +[Footnote 3: Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back. It +was succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing.] + +After a considerable time spent in casting to the right, the left, and +the rear, "True-bouy" chances to take a fling in advance, and hitting +upon the scent, proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing all +his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over some brick-fields and +flint-beds, to an old lady's flower-garden, through which they carry it +with a surprising head into the fields beyond, when they begin to fall +into line, and the sportsmen doing the same--"one at a time and it will +last the longer"--"Tummas" tootles his horn, the hunt is up, and away +they all rattle at "Parliament pace," as the hackney-coachmen say. + +Our swell, who flatters himself he can "ride a few," according to the +fashion of his country, takes up a line of his own, abreast of the +leading hounds, notwithstanding the oft vociferated cry of "Hold hard, +sir!" "Pray, hold hard, sir!" "For God's sake, hold hard, sir!" "G--d +d--n you, hold hard, sir!" "Where the h--ll are you going to, sir?" and +other familiar inquiries and benedictions, with which a stranger is +sometimes greeted, who ventures to take a look at a strange pack of +hounds. + +In the meantime the fox, who has often had a game at romps with his +pursuers, being resolved this time to give them a tickler, bears +straight away for Westerham, to the infinite satisfaction of the "hill +folks," who thus have an excellent opportunity of seeing the run without +putting their horses to the trouble of "rejoicing in their strength, or +pawing in the valley." But who is so fortunate as to be near the scene +of action in this second scurry, almost as fast as the first? Our fancy +supplies us, and there not being many, we will just initialise them all, +and let he whom the cap fits put it on. + +If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three couple of hounds +that are leading by some half mile or so, we shall see "Swell"--like a +monkey on a giraffe--striding away in the true Leicestershire style; the +animal contracting its stride after every exertion in pulling its long +legs out of the deep and clayey soil, until the Bromley barber, who has +been quilting his mule along at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon at +anyone presuming to exercise his profession upon a dumb brute, overtakes +him, and in the endeavour to pass, lays it into his mule in a style that +would insure him rotatory occupation at Brixton for his spindles, should +any member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals +witness his proceedings; while his friend and neighbour old B----, the +tinker, plies his little mare with the Brummagems, to be ready to ride +over "Swell" the instant the barber gets him down. On the right of the +leading hounds are three crack members of the Surrey, Messrs. B--e, +S--bs, and B--l, all lads who can go; while a long way in the rear of +the body of the pack are some dozen, who, while they sat on the hills, +thought they could also, but who now find out their mistake. Down Windy +Lane, a glimpse of a few red coats may be caught passing the gaps and +weak parts of the fence, among whom we distinctly recognise the worthy +master of the pack, followed by Jorrocks, with his long coat-laps +floating in the breeze, who thinking that "catching-time" must be near +at hand, and being dearly fond of blood, has descended from his high +station to witness the close of the scene. "Vot a pace! and vot a +country!" cries the grocer, standing high in his stirrups, and bending +over the neck of his chestnut as though he were meditating a plunge over +his head; "how they stick to him! vot a pack! by Jove they are at fault +again. Yooi, Pilgrim! Yooi, Warbler, ma load! (lad). Tom, try down the +hedge-row." "Hold your jaw, Mr. J----," cries Tom, "you are always +throwing that red rag of yours. I wish you would keep your potato-trap +shut. See! you've made every hound throw up, and it's ten to one that +ne'er a one among 'em will stoop again." "Yonder he goes," cries a cock +of the old school, who used to hunt with Colonel Jolliffe's hounds, +and still sports the long blue surtout lined with orange, yellow-ochre +unmentionables, and mahogany-coloured knee-caps, with mother-of-pearl +buttons. "Yonder he goes among the ship (sheep), for a thousand! see how +the skulking waggabone makes them scamper." At this particular moment +a shrill scream is heard at the far end of a long shaw, and every man +pushes on to the best of his endeavour. "Holloo o-o-u, h'loo o-o-u, +h'loo--o-o-u, gone away! gone away! forward! forrard! hark back! hark +forrard! hark forrard! hark back!" resounds from every mouth. "He's +making for the 'oods beyond Addington, and we shall have a rare teaser +up these hills," cries Jorrocks, throwing his arms round his horse's +neck as he reaches the foot of them.--"D--n your hills," cries "Swell," +as he suddenly finds himself sitting on the hindquarters of his horse, +his saddle having slipped back for want of a breastplate,--"I wish the +hills had been piled on your back, and the flints thrust down your +confounded throat, before I came into such a cursed provincial." "Haw, +haw, haw!" roars a Croydon butcher. "What don't 'e like it, sir, eh? too +sharp to be pleasant, eh?--Your nag should have put on his boots before +he showed among us." + +"He's making straight for Fuller's farm," exclaims a thirsty veteran on +reaching the top, "and I'll pull up and have a nip of ale, please God." +"Hang your ale," cries a certain sporting cheesemonger, "you had better +come out with a barrel of it tacked to your horse's tail."--"Or 'unt on +a steam-engine," adds his friend the omnibus proprietor, "and then +you can brew as you go." "We shall have the Croydon Canal," cries Mr. +H----n, of Tottenham, who knows every flint in the country, "and how +will you like that, my hearties?" "Curse the Croydon Canal," bawls the +little Bromley barber, "my mule can swim like a soap-bladder, and my +toggery can't spoil, thank God!" + +The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's farm, the villain finds +no place to hide; and in two minutes, or less, the canal appears in +view. It is full of craft, and the locks are open, but there is a bridge +about half a mile to the right. "If my horse can do nothing else he can +jump this," cries "Swell," as he gathers him together, and prepares for +the effort. He hardens his heart and goes at it full tilt, and the leggy +animal lands him three yards on the other side. "Curse this fellow," +cries Jorrocks, grinning with rage as he sees "Swell" skimming through +the air like a swallow on a summer's eve, "he'll have a laugh at the +Surrey, for ever and ever, Amen. Oh, dear! oh, dear! I wish I durst leap +it. What shall I do? Here bargee," cries he to a bargeman, "lend us a +help over and I'll give you ninepence." The bargeman takes him at his +word, and getting the vessel close to the water's edge, Jorrocks has +nothing to do but ride in, and, the opposite bank being accommodating, +he lands without difficulty. Ramming his spurs into his nag, he now +starts after "Swell," who is sailing away with a few couple of hounds +that took the canal; the body of the pack and all the rest of the +field--except the Bromley barber, who is now floundering in the +water--having gone round to the bridge. + +The country is open, the line being across commons and along roads, so +that Jorrocks, who is not afraid of "the pace" so long as there is no +leaping, has a pretty good chance with "Swell." The scene now shifts. On +turning out of a lane, along which they have just rattled, a fence of +this description appears: The bottom part is made of flints, and the +upper part of mud, with gorse stuck along the top, and there is a gutter +on each side. Jorrocks, seeing that a leap is likely, hangs astern, and +"Swell," thinking to shake off his only opponent, and to have a rare +laugh at the Surrey when he gets back to Melton, puts his nag at it most +manfully, who, though somewhat blown, manages to get his long carcass +over, but, unfortunately alighting on a bed of flints on the far side, +cuts a back sinew, and "Swell" measures his length on the headland. +Jorrocks then pulls up. + +The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death, and we are happy in +being able to gratify our readers with a similar entertainment. Already +have the best-mounted men in the field attained the summit of one of the +Mont Blancs of the country, when on looking down the other side of the +"mountain's brow," they, to their infinite astonishment, espy at some +distance our "Swell" dismounted and playing at "pull devil, pull +baker" with the hounds, whose discordant bickerings rend the skies. +"Whoo-hoop!" cries one; "whoo-hoop!" responds another; "whoo-hoop!" +screams a third; and the contagion spreading, and each man dismounting, +they descend the hill with due caution, whoo-hooping, hallooing, and +congratulating each other on the splendour of the run, interspersed with +divers surmises as to what mighty magic had aided the hounds in getting +on such good terms with the warmint, and exclamations at the good +fortune of the stranger, in being able (by nicking,[4] and the fox +changing his line) to get in at the finish. + +[Footnote 4: A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members of +the hunt.] + +And now some dozens of sportsmen quietly ambling up to the scene of +action, view with delight (alone equalled by their wonder at so unusual +and unexpected an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as they dispute +with each other the possession of their victim's remains, when suddenly +a gentleman, clad in a bright green silk-velvet shooting-coat, with +white leathers, and Hessian boots with large tassels, carrying his Joe +Manton on his shoulder, issues from an adjoining coppice, and commences +a loud complaint of the "unhandsome conduct of the gentlemen's 'ounds in +devouring the 'are (hare) which he had taken so much pains to shoot." +Scarcely are these words out of his mouth than the whole hunt, from +Jorrocks downwards, let drive such a rich torrent of abuse at our +unfortunate _chasseur_, that he is fain to betake himself to his heels, +leaving them undisputed masters of the field. + +The visages of our sportsmen become dismally lengthened on finding that +their fox has been "gathered unto his fathers" by means of hot lead and +that villainous saltpetre "digged out of the bowels of the harmless +earth"; some few, indeed, there are who are bold enough to declare that +the pack has actually made a meal of a hare, and that their fox is +snugly earthed in the neighbouring cover. However, as there are no +"reliquias Danaum," to prove or disprove this assertion, Tom Hills, +having an eye to the cap-money, ventures to give it as his opinion, +that pug has fairly yielded to his invincible pursuers, without having +"dropped to shot." This appearing to give very general satisfaction, the +first whip makes no scruple of swearing that he saw the hounds pull him +down fairly; and Peckham, drawing his mouth up on one side, with his +usual intellectual grin, takes a similar affidavit. The Bromley barber +too, anxious to have it to say that he has for once been in at the death +of a fox, vows by his beard that he saw the "varmint" lathered in style; +and these protestations being received with clamorous applause, and +everyone being pleased to have so unusual an event to record to his +admiring spouse, agrees that a fox has not only been killed, but killed +in a most sportsmanlike, workmanlike, businesslike manner; and long and +loud are the congratulations, great is the increased importance of each +man's physiognomy, and thereupon they all lug out their half-crowns for +Tom Hills. + +In the meantime our "Swell" lays hold of his nag--who is sorely damaged +with the flints, and whose wind has been pretty well pumped out of +him by the hills--and proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly +promising himself for the future most studiously to avoid the renowned +county of Surrey, its woods, its barbers, its mountains, and its flints, +and to leave more daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it +presents; most religiously resolving, at the same time, to return as +speedily as possible to his dear Leicestershire, there to amble o'er +the turf, and fancy himself an "angel on horseback." The story of the +country mouse, who must needs see the town, occurs forcibly to his +recollection, and he exclaims aloud: + + "me sylva, cavusque + Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo." + +On overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to his brother +subscribers, and informs them, very gravely, that the stranger is no +less a personage than "Prince Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and +minister plenipotentiary extraordinary," whereupon the whole field join +in wishing him safe back in Russia--or anywhere else--and wonder at his +incredible assurance in supposing that he could cope with THE SURREY +HUNT. + + + +II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY + +It is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds they individually hunt +with are the best--compared with them all others are "slow." + +Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks--who in addition +to the conspicuous place he holds in the Surrey Hunt, as shown in the +preceding chapter, we should introduce to our readers as a substantial +grocer in St. Botolph's Lane, with an elegant residence in Great Coram +Street, Russell Square--has his full, if not rather more than his fair +share. Vanity, however, is never satisfied without display, and Mr. +Jorrocks longed for a customer before whom he could exhibit the prowess +of his[5] pack. + +[Footnote 5: Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the +hounds as their own.] + +Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman, who frequently appearing +in subsequent pages, we may introduce as a loosish sort of hand, up to +anything in the way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash--a character +so common in London, as to render further description needless. + +Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a dragoon, is nothing +without his horse, and if he does understand anything better than +racing--it is hunting. Our readers will therefore readily conceive that +a Yorkshireman is more likely to be astonished at the possibility of +fox-hunting from London, than captivated by the country, or style of +turn-out; and in truth, looking at it calmly and dispassionately, in our +easy-chair drawn to a window which overlooks the cream of the grazing +grounds in the Vale of White Horse, it does strike us with astonishment, +that such a thing as a fox should be found within a day's ride of the +suburbs. The very idea seems preposterous, for one cannot but associate +the charms of a "find" with the horrors of "going to ground" in an +omnibus, or the fox being headed by a great Dr. Eady placard, or some +such monstrosity. Mr. Mayne,[6] to be sure, has brought racing home to +every man's door, but fox-hunting is not quite so tractable a sport. But +to our story. + +[Footnote 6: The promoter of the Hippodrome, near Bayswater--a +speculation that soon came to grief.] + +It was on a nasty, cold, foggy, dark, drizzling morning in the month of +February, that the Yorkshireman, having been offered a "mount" by Mr. +Jorrocks, found himself shivering under the Piazza in Covent Garden +about seven o'clock, surrounded by cabs, cabbages, carrots, ducks, +dollys, and drabs of all sorts, waiting for his horse and the appearance +of the friend who had seduced him into the extraordinary predicament of +attiring himself in top-boots and breeches in London. After pacing up +and down some minutes, the sound of a horse's hoofs were heard turning +down from Long Acre, and reaching the lamp-post at the corner of James +Street, his astonished eyes were struck with the sight of a man in a +capacious, long, full-tailed, red frock coat reaching nearly to his +spurs, with mother-of-pearl buttons, with sporting devices--which +afterwards proved to be foxes, done in black--brown shag breeches, that +would have been spurned by the late worthy master of the Hurworth,[7] +and boots, that looked for all the world as if they were made to tear up +the very land and soil, tied round the knees with pieces of white tape, +the flowing ends of which dangled over the mahogany-coloured tops. Mr. +Jorrocks--whose dark collar, green to his coat, and _tout ensemble_, +might have caused him to be mistaken for a mounted general postman--was +on a most becoming steed--a great raking, raw-boned chestnut, with a +twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated with a faded yellow silk front, +a nose-band, and an ivory ring under his jaws, for the double purpose +of keeping the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head--the nag +having flattened the noses and otherwise damaged the countenances of his +two previous owners, who had not the knack of preventing him tossing +his head in their faces. The saddle--large and capacious--made on the +principle of the impossibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding +plate--was "spick and span new," as was an enormous hunting-whip, whose +iron-headed hammer he clenched in a way that would make the blood curdle +in one's veins, to see such an instrument in the hands of a misguided +man. + +[Footnote 7: The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called "Matty Wilkinson," +master of the Hurworth foxhounds, was a rigid adherent of the +"d----n-all-dandy" school of sportsmen.] + +"Punctuality is the politeness of princes," said Mr. Jorrocks, raising a +broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned hat, as high as a green hunting-cord which +tackled it to his yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow, as he +came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner. "My soul's on fire and eager +for the chase! By heavens, I declare I've dreamt of nothing else all +night, and the worst of it is, that in a par-ox-ism of delight, when +I thought I saw the darlings running into the warmint, I brought Mrs. +J---- such a dig in the side as knocked her out of bed, and she swears +she'll go to Jenner, and the court for the protection of injured ribs! +But come--jump up--where's your nag? Binjimin, you blackguard, where are +you? The fog is blinding me, I declare! Binjimin, I say! Binjimin! you +willain, where are you?" + +"Here, sir! coming!" responded a voice from the bottom of one of the +long mugs at a street breakfast stall, which the fog almost concealed +from their view, and presently an urchin in a drab coat and blue collar +came towing a wretched, ewe-necked, hungry-looking, roan rosinante along +from where he had been regaling himself with a mug of undeniable bohea, +sweetened with a composition of brown sugar and sand. + +"Now be after getting up," said Jorrocks, "for time and the Surrey +'ounds wait for no man. That's not a werry elegant tit, but still +it'll carry you to Croydon well enough, where I'll put you on a most +undeniable bit of 'orse-flesh--a reg'lar clipper. That's a hack--what +they calls three-and-sixpence a side, but I only pays half a crown. +Now, Binjimin, cut away home, and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at +half-past five to a minute, and to be most particular in doing the lamb +to a turn." + +The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the old flat-flapped hack +saddle, and got his stirrups let out from "Binjimin's" length to his +own, gathered up the stiff, weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a +touch with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr. Jorrocks. The +morning appeared to be getting worse. Instead of the grey day-dawn of +the country, when the thin transparent mist gradually rises from the +hills, revealing an unclouded landscape, a dense, thick, yellow fog +came rolling in masses along the streets, obscuring the gas lights, and +rendering every step one of peril. It could be both eat and felt, and +the damp struck through their clothes in the most summary manner. "This +is bad," said Mr. Jorrocks, coughing as he turned the corner by Drury +Lane, making for Catherine Street, and upset an early breakfast and +periwinkle stall, by catching one corner of the fragile fabric with his +toe, having ridden too near to the pavement. "Where are you for now? and +bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster!" roared a stout Irish wench, emerging +from a neighbouring gin-palace on seeing the dainty viands rolling in +the street. "Cut away!" cried Jorrocks to his friend, running his horse +between one of George Stapleton's dust-carts and a hackney-coach, "or +the Philistines will be upon us." The fog and crowd concealed them, +but "Holloa! mind where you're going, you great haw-buck!" from a +buy-a-hearth-stone boy, whose stock-in-trade Jorrocks nearly demolished, +as he crossed the corner of Catherine Street before him, again roused +his vigilance. "The deuce be in the fog," said he, "I declare I can't +see across the Strand. It's as dark as a wolf's mouth.--Now where are +you going to with that meazly-looking cab of yours?--you've nearly run +your shafts into my 'oss's ribs!" cried he to a cabman who nearly upset +him. The Strand was kept alive by a few slip-shod housemaids, on their +marrow-bones, washing the doorsteps, or ogling the neighbouring pot-boy +on his morning errand for the pewters. Now and then a crazy jarvey +passed slowly by, while a hurrying mail, with a drowsy driver and +sleeping guard, rattled by to deliver their cargo at the post office. +Here and there appeared one of those beings, who like the owl hide +themselves by day, and are visible only in the dusk. Many of +them appeared to belong to the other world. Poor, puny, ragged, +sickly-looking creatures, that seemed as though they had been suckled +and reared with gin. "How different," thought the Yorkshireman to +himself, "to the fine, stout, active labourer one meets at an early hour +on a hunting morning in the country!" His reverie was interrupted on +arriving opposite the _Morning Chronicle_ office, by the most discordant +yells that ever issued from human beings, and on examining the quarter +from whence they proceeded, a group of fifty or a hundred boys, or +rather little old men, were seen with newspapers in their hands and +under their arms, in all the activity of speculation and exchange. "A +clean _Post_ for Tuesday's _Times_!" bellowed one. "I want the _Hurl_! +(Herald) for the _Satirist_!" shouted another. "Bell's _Life_ for the +_Bull_! _The Spectator_ for the _Sunday Times_!" + +The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a change of the chorus, +and immediately Jorrocks was assailed with "A hunter! a hunter! crikey, +a hunter! My eyes! there's a gamecock for you! Vot a beauty! Vere do you +turn out to-day? Vere's the stag? Don't tumble off, old boy! 'Ave you +got ever a rope in your pocket? Take Bell's _Life in London_, vot +contains all the sporting news of the country! Vot a vip the gemman's +got! Vot a precious basternadering he could give us--my eyes, vot a +swell!--vot a shocking bad hat!_[8]--vot shocking bad breeches!" + +[Footnote 8: "Vot a shocking bad hat!"--a slang cockney phrase of 1831.] + +The fog, which became denser at every step, by the time they reached St. +Clement's Danes rendered their further progress almost impossible.--"Oh, +dear! oh, dear! how unlucky," exclaimed Jorrocks, "I would have given +twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine day--and see what a thing we've +got! Hold my 'oss," said he to the Yorkshireman, "while I run into the +'Angel,' and borrow an argand burner, or we shall be endorsed[9] to a +dead certainty." Off he got, and ran to the inn. Presently he emerged +from the yard--followed by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters, cads, +waiters and others, amid loud cries of "Flare up, flare up, old cock! +talliho fox-hunter!"--with a bright mail-coach footboard lamp, strapped +to his middle, which, lighting up the whole of his broad back now cased +in scarlet, gave him the appearance of a gigantic red-and-gold insurance +office badge, or an elderly cherub without wings. + +[Footnote 9: City--for having a pole run into one's rear.] + +The hackney-coach-and cab-men, along whose lines they passed, could not +make him out at all. Some thought he was a mail-coach guard riding +post with the bags; but as the light was pretty strong he trotted +on regardless of observation. The fog, however, abated none of its +denseness even on the "Surrey side," and before they reached the +"Elephant and Castle," Jorrocks had run against two trucks, three +watercress women, one pies-all-ot!-all-ot! man, dispersed a whole covey +of Welsh milkmaids, and rode slap over one end of a buy 'at (hat) box! +bonnet-box! man's pole, damaging a dozen paste-boards, and finally +upsetting Balham Hill Joe's Barcelona "come crack 'em and try 'em" stall +at the door of the inn, for all whose benedictions, the Yorkshireman, as +this great fox-hunting knight-errant's "Esquire," came in. + +Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to +desist from his quixotic undertaking, but he turned a deaf ear to his +entreaties. "We are getting fast into the country, and I hold it to +be utterly impossible for this fog to extend beyond Kennington +Common--'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as we approach the open. Indeed, +if I mistake not, I begin to sniff the morning air already, and hark! +there's a lark a-carrolling before us!" "Now, spooney! where are you +for?" bellowed a carter, breaking off in the middle of his whistle, as +Jorrocks rode slap against his leader, the concussion at once dispelling +the pleasing pastoral delusion, and nearly knocking Jorrocks off his +horse. + +As they approached Brixton Hill, a large red ball of lurid light +appeared in the firmament, and just at the moment up rode another member +of the Surrey Hunt in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane. "By +Jove, 'ow beautiful the moon is," said the latter, after the usual +salutations. "Moon!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "that's not never no moon--I +reckon it's Mrs. Graham's balloon." "Come, that's a good 'un," said +Crane, "perhaps you'll lay me an 'at about it". "Done!" said Mr. +Jorrocks, "a guinea one--and we'll ax my friend here.--Now, what's +that?" "Why, judging from its position and the hour, I should say it is +the sun!" was the reply. + +We have omitted to mention that this memorable day was a Saturday, +one on which civic sportsmen exhibit. We may also premise, that the +particular hunt we are about to describe, took place when there were +very many packs of hounds within reach of the metropolis, all of which +boasted their respective admiring subscribers. As our party proceeded +they overtook a gentleman perusing a long bill of the meets for the +next week, of at least half a dozen packs, the top of the list being +decorated with a cut of a stag-hunt, and the bottom containing a +notification that hunters were "carefully attended to by Charles +Morton,[10] at the 'Derby Arms,' Croydon," a snug rural _auberge_ near +the barrack. On the hunting bill-of-fare, were Mr. Jolliffe's foxhounds, +Mr. Meager's harriers, the Derby staghounds, the Sanderstead harriers, +the Union foxhounds, the Surrey foxhounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom +Downs, and dwarf foxhounds on Woolwich Common. What a list to bewilder a +stranger! The Yorkshireman left it all to Mr. Jorrocks. + +[Footnote 10: Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the +demise of the "Surrey staggers," Charley brushed off to the west, to +valet the gentlemen's hunters that attend the Royal Stag Hunt.--_Vide_ +Sir F. Grant's picture of the meet of the Royal Staghounds.] + +"You're for Jolliffe, I suppose," said the gentleman with the bill, +to another with a blue coat and buff lining. "He's at Chipstead +Church--only six miles from Croydon, a sure find and good country." +"What are you for, Mr. Jorrocks?" inquired another in green, with black +velvet breeches, Hessian boots, and a red waistcoat, who just rode up. +"My own, to be sure," said Jorrocks, taking hold of the green collar of +his coat, as much as to say, "How can you ask such a question?" "Oh, +no," said the gentleman in green, "Come to the stag--much better +sport--sure of a gallop--open country--get it over soon--back in town +before the post goes out." Before Mr. Jorrocks had time to make a reply +to this last interrogatory, they were overtaken by another horseman, +who came hopping along at a sort of a butcher's shuffle, on a worn-out, +three-legged, four-cornered hack, with one eye, a rat-tail, and a head +as large as a fiddle-case.--"Who's for the blue mottles?" said he, +casting a glance at their respective coats, and at length fixing it on +the Yorkshireman. "Why, Dickens, you're not going thistle-whipping with +that nice 'orse of yours," said the gentleman in the velvets; "come +and see the stag turned out--sure of a gallop--no hedges--soft +country--plenty of publics--far better sport, man, than pottering about +looking for your foxes and hares, and wasting your time; take my advice, +and come with me." "But," says Dickens, "my 'orse won't stand it; I had +him in the shay till eleven last night, and he came forty-three mile +with our traveller the day before, else he's a 'good 'un to go,' as you +know. Do you remember the owdacious leap he took over the tinker's tent, +at Epping 'Unt, last Easter? How he astonished the natives within!" +"Yes; but then, you know, you fell head-foremost through the canvas, and +no wonder your ugly mug frightened them," replied he of the velvets. +"Ay; but that was in consequence of my riding by balance instead of +gripping with my legs," replied Dickens; "you see, I had taken seven +lessons in riding at the school in Bidborough Street, Burton Crescent, +and they always told me to balance myself equally on the saddle, and +harden my heart, and ride at whatever came in the way; and the tinker's +tent coming first, why, naturally enough, I went at it. But I have had +some practice since then, and, of course, can stick on better. I have +'unted regularly ever since, and can 'do the trick' now." "What, summer +and winter?" said Jorrocks. "No," replied he, "but I have 'unted +regularly every fifth Saturday since the 'unting began." + +After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing, they arrived at the +end of the first stage on the road to the hunt, namely, the small town +of Croydon, the rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place was +alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats, black coats, brown +coats, in short, coats of all the colours of the rainbow. Horsemen were +mounting, horsemen were dismounting, one-horse "shays" and two-horse +chaises were discharging their burdens, grooms were buckling on their +masters' spurs, and others were pulling off their overalls. Eschewing +the "Greyhound," they turn short to the right, and make for the "Derby +Arms" hunting stables. + +Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was buckling on his armour +for the fight, for his soul, too, was "on fire, and eager for the +chase." He was for the "venison"; and having mounted his "deer-stalker," +was speedily joined by divers perfect "swells," in beautiful leathers, +beautiful coats, beautiful tops, beautiful everything, except horses, +and off they rode to cut in for the first course--a stag-hunt on a +Saturday being usually divided into three. + +The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's appetite; and feeling, +as he said, quite ready for his dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's +house--a kind of sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order, and +very good--where he baited himself on sausages and salt herrings, a +basin of new milk, with some "sticking powder" as he called it, _alias_ +rum, infused into it; and having deposited a half-quartern loaf in one +pocket, as a sort of balance against a huge bunch of keys which rattled +in the other, he pulled out his watch, and finding they had a quarter of +an hour to spare, proposed to chaperon the Yorkshireman on a tour of the +hunting stables. Jorrocks summoned the ostler, and with great dignity +led the way. "Humph," said he, evidently disappointed at seeing half the +stalls empty, "no great show this morning--pity--gentleman come from a +distance--should like to have shown him some good nags.--What sort of +a devil's this?" "Oh, sir, he's a good 'un, and nothing but a good +'un!--Leap! Lord love ye, he'll leap anything. A railway cut, a windmill +with the sails going, a navigable river with ships--anything in short. +This is the 'orse wot took the line of houses down at Beddington the day +they had the tremendious run from Reigate Hill." "And wot's the grey in +the far stall?" "Oh, that's Mr. Pepper's old nag--Pepper-Caster as we +call him, since he threw the old gemman, the morning they met at the +'Leg-of-Mutton' at Ashtead. But he's good for nothing. Bless ye! his +tail shakes for all the world like a pepper-box afore he's gone half a +mile. Those be yours in the far stalls, and since they were turned round +I've won a bob of a gemman who I bet I'd show him two 'osses with their +heads vere their tails should be.[11] I always says," added he with a +leer, "that you rides the best 'osses of any gemman vot comes to our +governor's." This flattered Jorrocks, and sidling up, he slipped a +shilling into his hand, saying, "Well--bring them out, and let's see how +they look this morning." The stall reins are slipped, and out they step +with their hoods on their quarters. One was a large, fat, full-sized +chestnut, with a white ratch down the full extent of his face, a long +square tail, bushy mane, with untrimmed heels. The other was a brown, +about fifteen two, coarse-headed, with a rat-tail, and collar-marked. +The tackle was the same as they came down with. "You'll do the trick on +that, I reckon," said Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chestnut, and +looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he mounted. "Tatt., and old Tatt., +and Tatt. sen. before him, all agree that they never knew a bad 'oss +with a rat-tail." + +[Footnote 11: A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round +in his stall.] + +"But, let me tell you, you must be werry lively, if you mean to live +with our 'ounds. They go like the wind. But come! touch him with the +spur, and let's do a trot." The Yorkshireman obeyed, and getting into +the main street, onwards they jogged, right through Croydon, and struck +into a line of villas of all sorts, shapes, and sizes, which extend for +several miles along the road, exhibiting all sorts of architecture, +Gothic, Corinthian, Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and Chinese. These gradually +diminished in number, and at length they found themselves on an open +heath, within a few miles of the meet of the "Surrey foxhounds". "Now", +says Mr. Jorrocks, clawing up his smalls, "you will see the werry finest +pack of hounds in all England; I don't care where the next best are; and +you will see as good a turn-out as ever you saw in your life, and as +nice a country to ride over as ever you were in". + +They reach the meet--a wayside public-house on a common, before which +the hounds with their attendants and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many +of them in scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received with the +greatest cordiality, amid whoops and holloas, and cries of "now +Twankay!--now Sugar!--now Figs!" Waving his hand in token of +recognition, he passed on and made straight for Tom Hill, with a face +full of importance, and nearly rode over a hound in his hurry. "Now, +Tom," said he, with the greatest energy, "do, my good fellow, strain +every nerve to show sport to-day.--A gentleman has come all the way from +the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the county of York, +to see our excellent 'ounds, and I would fain have him galvanised.--Do +show us a run, and let it end with blood, so that he may have something +to tell the natives when he gets back to his own parts. That's him, see, +sitting under the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat with basket buttons, +just striking a light on the pommel of his saddle to indulge in a +fumigation.--Keep your eye on him all day, and if you can lead him over +an awkward place, and get him a purl, so much the better.--If he'll risk +his neck I'll risk my 'oss's." + +The Yorkshireman, having lighted his cigar and tightened his girths, +rode leisurely among the horsemen, many of whom were in eager council, +and a gentle breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation to his ear. + +What is that hound got by? No. How is that horse bred? No. What sport +had you on Wednesday? No. Is it a likely find to-day? No, no, no; it was +not where the hounds, but what the Consols, left off at; what the four +per cents, and not the four horses, were up to; what the condition of +the money, not the horse, market. "Anything doing in Danish bonds, +sir?" said one. "You must do it by lease and release, and levy a fine," +replied another. Scott _v._ Brown, crim. con. to be heard on or before +Wednesday next.--Barley thirty-two to forty-two.--Fine upland meadow +and rye grass hay, seventy to eighty.--The last pocket of hops I sold +brought seven pounds fifteen shillings. Sussex bags six pounds ten +shillings.--There were only twenty-eight and a quarter ships at market, +"and coals are coals." "Glad to hear it, sir, for half the last you sent +me were slates."--"Best qualities of beef four shillings and eightpence +a stone--mutton three shillings and eightpence, to four shillings and +sixpence.--He was exceedingly ill when I paid my last visit--I gave him +nearly a stone of Epsom-salts, and bled him twice.--This horse would +suit you to a T, sir, but my skip-jack is coming out on one at two +o'clock that can carry a house.--See what a bosom this one's got.--Well, +Gunter, old boy, have you iced your horse to-day?--Have you heard that +Brown and Co. are in the _Gazette_? No, which Brown--not John Brown? +No, William Brown. What, Brown of Goodman's Fields? No, Brown of---- +Street--Brown_e_ with an _e_; you know the man I mean.--Oh, Lord, ay, +the man wot used to be called Nosey Browne." A general move ensued, and +they left "the meet." + +"Vere be you going to turn out pray, sir, may I inquire?" said a +gentleman in green to the huntsman, as he turned into a field. "Turn +out," said he, "why, ye don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye? +We throws off some two stones'-throw from here, if so be you mean what +cover we are going to draw." "No," said green-coat, "I mean where do +you turn out the stag?"--"D--n the stag, we know nothing about such +matters," replied the huntsman. "Ware wheat! ware wheat! ware wheat!" +was now the general cry, as a gentleman in nankeen pantaloons and +Hessian boots with long brass spurs, commenced a navigation across a +sprouting crop. "Ware wheat, ware wheat!" replied he, considering it +part of the ceremony of hunting, and continued his forward course. "Come +to my side," said Mr.----, to the whipper-in, "and meet that gentleman +as he arrives at yonder gate; and keep by him while I scold you."--"Now, +sir, most particularly d--n you, for riding slap-dash over the young +wheat, you most confounded insensible ignorant tinker, isn't the +headland wide enough both for you and your horse, even if your spurs +were as long again as they are?" Shouts of "Yooi over, over, over +hounds--try for him--yoicks--wind him! good dogs--yoicks! stir him +up--have at him there!"--here interrupted the jawbation, and the whip +rode off shaking his sides with laughter. "Your horse has got a stone in +each forefoot, and a thorn in his near hock," observed a dentist to a +wholesale haberdasher from Ludgate Hill, "allow me to extract them for +you--no pain, I assure--over before you know it." "Come away, hounds! +come away!" was heard, and presently the huntsman, with some of the pack +at his horse's heels, issued from the wood playing _Rule, Britannia!_ +on a key-bugle, while the cracks of heavy-thonged whips warned the +stragglers and loiterers to follow. "Music hath charms to soothe the +savage beast," observed Jorrocks, as he tucked the laps of his frock +over his thighs, "and I hope we shall find before long, else that +quarter of house-lamb will be utterly ruined. Oh, dear, they are going +below hill I do believe! why we shall never get home to-day, and I told +Mrs. Jorrocks half-past five to a minute, and I invited old Fleecy, who +is a most punctual man." + +Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived on the summit of a +range of steep hills commanding an extensive view over the neighbouring +country--almost, he said, as far as the sea-coast. The huntsman and +hounds went down, but many of the field held a council of war on the +top. "Well! who's going down?" said one. "I shall wait for the next +turn," said Jorrocks, "for my horse does not like collar work." "I shall +go this time," said another, "and the rest next." "And so will I," +said a third, "for mayhap there will be no second turn." "Ay," added a +fourth, "and he may go the other way, and then where-shall we all be?" +"Poh!" said Jorrocks, "did you ever know a Surrey fox not take to the +hills?--If he does not, I'll eat him without mint sauce," again harping +on the quarter of lamb. Facilis descensus Averni--two-thirds of the +field went down, leaving Jorrocks, two horse-dealers in scarlet, three +chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells in leathers, a whip, and the +Yorkshireman on the summit. "Why don't you go with the hounds?" inquired +the latter of the whip. "Oh, I wait here, sir," said he, "to meet Tom +Hills as he comes up, and to give him a fresh horse." "And who is Tom +Hills?" inquired the Yorkshireman. "Oh, he's our huntsman," replied he; +"you know Tom, don't you?" "Why, I can't say I do, exactly," said he; +"but tell me, is he called Hills because he rides up and down these +hills, or is that his real name?" "Hought! you know as well as I do," +said he, quite indignantly, "that Tom Hills is his name." + +The hounds, with the majority of the field, having effected the descent +of the hills, were now trotting on in the valley below, sufficiently +near, however, to allow our hill party full view of their proceedings. +After drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they assumed a line parallel +to the hills, and moved on to a wood of about ten acres, the west end +of which terminated in a natural gorse. "They'll find there to a +certainty," said Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out of his breeches' +pocket, and adjusting the sight. "Never saw it blank but once, and that +was the werry day the commercial panic of twenty-five commenced.--I +remember making an entry in my ledger when I got home to that effect. +Humph!" continued he, looking through the glass, "they are through the +wood, though, without a challenge.--Now, my booys, push him out of +the gorse! Let's see vot you're made of.--There goes the first 'ound +in.--It's Galloper, I believe.--I can almost see the bag of shot round +his neck.--Now they all follow.--One--two--three--four--five--all +together, my beauties! Oh, vot a sight! Peckham's cap's in the air, and +it's a find, by heavens!" Mr. Jorrocks is right.--The southerly wind +wafts up the fading notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus" in _Der Frieschutz_ +and confirms the fact.--Jorrocks is in ecstasies.--"Now," said he, +clawing up his breeches (for he dispenses with the article of +braces when out hunting), "that's what I calls fine. Oh, beautiful! +beautiful!--Now, follow me if you please, and if yon gentleman in drab +does not shoot the fox, he will be on the hills before long." Away +they scampered along the top of the ridge, with a complete view of the +operations below. At length Jorrocks stopped, and pulling the telescope +out, began making an observation. "There he is, at last," cried he, +"just crossed the corner of yon green field--now he creeps through the +hedge by the fir-tree, and is in the fallow one. Yet, stay--that's no +fox--it's a hare: and yet Tom Hills makes straight for the spot--and +did you hear that loud tally-ho? Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen, we shall be +laughed to scorn--what can they be doing--see, they take up the scent, +and the whole pack have joined in chorus. Great heavens, it's no more a +fox than I am!--No more brush than a badger! Oh, dear! oh, dear! that I +should live to see my old friends, the Surrey fox'ounds, 'unt hare, and +that too in the presence of a stranger." The animal made direct for the +hills--whatever it was, the hounds were on good terms with it, and got +away in good form. The sight was splendid--all the field got well off, +nor between the cover and the hills was there sufficient space for +tailing. A little elderly gentleman, in a pepper-and-salt coat, led the +way gallantly--then came the scarlets--then the darks--and then the +fustian-clad countrymen. Jorrocks was in a shocking state, and rolled +along the hill-tops, almost frantic. The field reached the bottom, and +the foremost commenced the steep ascent. + +"Oh, Tom Hills!--Tom Hills!--'what are you at? what are you after?'" +demanded Jorrocks, as he landed on the top. "Here's a gentleman come all +the way from the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the +county of York, to see our excellent 'ounds, and here you are running +a hare. Oh, Tom Hills! Tom Hills! ride forward, ride forward, and +whip them off, ere we eternally disgrace ourselves." "Oh," says Tom, +laughing, "he's a fox! but he's so tarnation frightened of our hounds, +that his brush dropped off through very fear, as soon as ever he heard +us go into the wood; if you go back, you'll find it somewhere, Mr. +Jorrocks; haw, haw, haw! No fox indeed!" said he.--"Forrard, hounds, +forrard!" And away he went--caught the old whipper-in, dismounted him in +a twinkling, and was on a fresh horse with his hounds in full cry. The +line of flight was still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly pressed +on, making a goodly rattle over the beds of flints. A check ensued. "The +guard on yonder nasty Brighton coach has frightened him with his horn," +said Tom; "now we must make a cast up to yonder garden, and see if he's +taken shelter among the geraniums in the green-house. As little damage +as possible, gentlemen, if you please, in riding through the nursery +grounds. Now, hold hard, sir--pray do--there's no occasion for you to +break the kale pots; he can't be under them. Ah, yonder he goes, the +tailless beggar; did you see him as he stole past the corner out of the +early-cabbage bed? Now bring on the hounds, and let us press him towards +London." + +"See the conquering hero comes", sounded through the avenue of elms as +Tom dashed forward with the merry, merry pack. "I shall stay on the +hills", said one, "and be ready for him as he comes back; I took a good +deal of the shine out of my horse in coming up this time". "I think +I will do the same", said two or three more. "Let's be doing", said +Jorrocks, ramming his spurs into his nag to seduce him into a gallop, +who after sending his heels in the air a few times in token of +his disapprobation of such treatment, at last put himself into a +round-rolling sort of canter, which Jorrocks kept up by dint of spurring +and dropping his great bastinaderer of a whip every now and then across +his shoulders. Away they go pounding together! + +The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified with a +turnip-field or market-garden, and every now and then a "willa" appears, +from which emerge footmen in jackets, and in yellow, red and green plush +breeches, with no end of admiring housemaids, governesses, and nurses +with children in their arms. + +Great was the emulation when any of these were approached, and the +rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly to the "fore." At last they approach +"Miss Birchwell's finishing and polishing seminary for young ladies," +whose great flaring blue-and-gold sign, reflecting the noonday rays of +the sun, had frightened the fox and caused him to alter his line and +take away to the west. A momentary check ensued, but all the amateur +huntsmen being blown, Tom, who is well up with his hounds, makes a quick +cast round the house, and hits off the scent like a workman. A private +road and a line of gates through fields now greet the eyes of our +M'Adamisers. A young gentleman on a hired hunter very nattily attired, +here singles himself out and takes place next to Tom, throwing the +pebbles and dirt back in the eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing +the gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman very coolly passes +through, without a touch, letting them bang-to behind him. The +Yorkshireman, who had been gradually creeping up, until he has got the +third place, having opened two or three, and seeing another likely to +close for want of a push, cries out to our friend as he approaches, "Put +out your hand, sir!" The gentleman obediently extends his limb like the +arm of a telegraph, and rides over half the next field with his hand in +the air! The gate, of course, falls to. + +A stopper appears--a gate locked and spiked, with a downward hinge to +prevent its being lifted. To the right is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond +it--to the left a quick fence. Tom glances at both, but turns short, +and backing his horse, rides at the rail. The Yorkshireman follows, but +Jorrocks, who espies a weak place in the fence a few yards from the +gate, turns short, and jumping off, prepares to lead over. It is an old +gap, and the farmer has placed a sheep hurdle on the far side. Just as +Jorrocks has pulled that out, his horse, who is a bit of a rusher, and +has got his "monkey" completely up, pushes forward while his master is +yet stooping--and hitting him in the rear, knocks him clean through the +fence, head foremost into a squire-trap beyond!--"Non redolet sed olet!" +exclaims the Yorkshireman, who dismounts in a twinkling, lending his +friend a hand out of the unsavoury cesspool.--"That's what comes of +hunting in a new[12] saddle, you see," added he, holding his nose. +Jorrocks scrambles upon "terra firma" and exhibits such a spectacle as +provokes the shouts of the field. He has lost his wig, his hat hangs to +his back, and one side of his person and face is completely japanned +with black odoriferous mixture. "My vig!" exclaims he, spitting and +spluttering, "but that's the nastiest hole I ever was in--Fleet Ditch is +lavender-water compared to it! Hooi yonder!" hailing a lad, "Catch +my 'oss, boouy!" Tom Hills has him; and Jorrocks, pocketing his wig, +remounts, rams his spurs into the nag, and again tackles with the pack, +which had come to a momentary check on the Eden Bridge road. The fox +has been headed by a party of gipsies, and, changing his point, bends +southward and again reaches the hills, along which some score of +horsemen have planted themselves in the likeliest places to head him. +Reynard, however, is too deep for them, and has stolen down unperceived. +Poor Jorrocks, what with the violent exertion of riding, his fall, and +the souvenir of the cesspool that he still bears about him, pulls up +fairly exhausted. "Oh, dear," says he, scraping the thick of the filth +off his coat with his whip, "I'm reglarly blown, I earn't go down with +the 'ounds this turn; but, my good fellow," turning to the Yorkshireman, +who was helping to purify him, "don't let me stop you, go down by all +means, but mind, bear in mind the quarter of house-lamb--at half-past +five to a minute." + +[Footnote 12: There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure +to get a fall the first day they appear in anything new.] + +Many of the cits now gladly avail themselves of the excuse of assisting +Mr. Jorrocks to clean himself for pulling up, but as soon as ever those +that are going below hill are out of sight and they have given him two +or three wipes, they advise him to let it "dry on," and immediately +commence a different sort of amusement--each man dives into his pocket +and produces the eatables. + +Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered with the captain of +an East Indiaman for a slice of buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged +some veal sandwiches with a Jew for ham ones; a lawyer from the Borough +offered two slices of toast for a hard-boiled egg; in fact there was a +petty market "ouvert" held. "Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle?" demanded +Jenkins. "Vy, I thought you would bring it out to-day," replied he; "I +brought it last time, you know." "Take a little of mine, sir," said a +gentleman, presenting a leather-covered flask--"real Thomson and Fearon, +I assure you." "I wish someone would fetch an ocean of porter from the +nearest public," said another. "Take a cigar, sir?" "No; I feel werry +much obliged, but they always make me womit." "Is there any gentleman +here going to Halifax, who would like to make a third in a new yellow +barouche, with lavender-coloured wheels, and pink lining?" inquired +Mr.----, the coach-maker. "Look at the hounds, gentlemen sportsmen, +my noble sportsmen!" bellowed out an Epsom Dorling's +correct--cardseller--and turning their eyes in the direction in which +he was looking, our sportsmen saw them again making for the hills. +Pepper-and-salt first, and oh, what a goodly tail was there!--three +quarters of a mile in length, at the least. Now up they come--the "corps +de reserve" again join, and again a party halt upon the hills. Again Tom +Hills exchanges horses; and again the hounds go on in full cry. "I must +be off," said a gentleman in balloon-like leathers to another tiger; "we +have just time to get back to town, and ride round by the park before it +is dark--much better than seeing the end of this brute. Let us go"; and +away they went to canter through Hyde Park in their red coats. "I must +go and all," said another gentleman; "my dinner will be ready at five, +and it is now three." Jorrocks was game; and forgetting the quarter of +house-lamb, again tackled with the pack. A smaller sweep sufficed this +time, and the hills were once more descended, Jorrocks the first to lead +the way. He well knew the fox was sinking, and was determined to be in +at the death. Short running ensued--a check--the fox had lain down, +and they had overrun the scent. Now they were on him, and Tom Hills's +who-whoop confirmed the whole. + +"Ah! Tom Hills, Tom Hills!" exclaimed Jorrocks, as the former took up +the fox, "'ow splendid, 'ow truly brilliant--by Jove, you deserve to +be Lord Hill--oh, had he but a brush that we might present it to this +gentleman from the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the +county of York, to show the gallant doings of the men of Surrey!" "Ay," +said Tom, "but Squire----'s keeper has been before us for it." + +"Now," said a gentleman in a cap, to another in a hat, "if you will +ride up the hill and collect the money there, I will do so +below--half-a-crown, if you please, sir--half-a-crown, if you please, +sir.--Have I got your half-a-crown, sir?"--"Here's three shillings if +you will give me sixpence." "Certainly, sir--certainly." "We have no +time to spare," said Jorrocks, looking at his watch. "Good afternoon, +gentlemen, good afternoon," muttering as he went, "a quarter of +house-lamb at half-past five--Mrs. Jorrocks werry punctual--old Fleecy +werry particular." They cut across country to Croydon, and as they +approached the town, innumerable sportsmen came flocking in from all +quarters. "What sport have you had?" inquired Jorrocks of a gentleman in +scarlet; "have you been with Jolliffe?" "No, with the staghounds; three +beautiful runs; took him once in a millpond, once in a barn, and once in +a brickfield--altogether the finest day's sport I ever saw in my life." +"What have you done, Mr. J----?" "Oh, we have had a most gallant thing; +a brilliant run indeed--three hours and twenty minutes without a +check--over the finest country imaginable." "And who got the brush?" +inquired the stag-man. "Oh, it was a gallant run," said Jorrocks, "by +far the finest I ever remember." "But did you kill?" demanded his +friend. "Kill! to be sure we did. When don't the Surrey kill, I should +like to know?" "And who got his brush, did you say?" "I can't tell," +said he--"didn't hear the gentleman's name." "What sport has Mr. Meager +had to-day?" inquired he of a gentleman in trousers, who issued from a +side lane into the high road. "I have been with the Sanderstead, sir--a +very capital day's sport--run five hares and killed three. We should +have killed four--only--we didn't." "I don't think Mr. Meager has done +anything to-day." "Yes, he has," said a gentleman, who just joined +with a hare buckled on in front of his saddle, and his white cords all +stained with blood; "we killed this chap after an hour and forty-five +minutes' gallop; and accounted for another by losing her after running +upwards of-three-quarters of an hour." "Well, then, we have all had +sport," said Jorrocks, as he spurred his horse into a trot, and made for +Morton's stables--"and if the quarter of house-lamb is but right, then +indeed am I a happy man." + + + +III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE + +Our readers are now becoming pretty familiar with our principal hero, +Mr. Jorrocks, and we hope he improves on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting +friends, we are sure, will allow him to be an enthusiastic member of the +brotherhood, and though we do not profess to put him in competition with +Musters, Osbaldeston, or any of those sort of men, we yet mean to say +that had his lot been cast in the country instead of behind a counter, +his keenness would have rendered him as conspicuous--if not as +scientific--as the best of them. + +For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very excellent fellow--frank, +hearty, open, generous, and hospitable, and with the exception of riding +up Fleet Street one Saturday afternoon, with a cock-pheasant's tail +sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever saw him do a cock tail +action in his life. + +The circumstances attending that exhibition are rather curious.--He had +gone out as usual on a Saturday to have a day with the Surrey, but on +mounting his hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag rather queer under him, +and thinking he might have been pricked in the shoeing, he pulled up at +the smith's at Addington to have his feet examined. This lost him five +minutes, and unfortunately when he got to the meet, he found that a +"travelling[13] fox" had been tallied at the precise moment of throwing +off, with which the hounds had gone away in their usual brilliant style, +to the tune of "Blue bonnets are over the border." As may be supposed, +he was in a deuce of a rage; and his first impulse prompted him to +withdraw his subscription and be done with the hunt altogether, and he +trotted forward "on the line," in the hopes of catching them up to tell +them so. In this he was foiled, for after riding some distance, he +overtook a string of Smithfield horses journeying "foreign for Evans," +whose imprints he had been taking for the hoof-marks of the hunters. +About noon he found himself dull, melancholy, and disconsolate, before +the sign of the "Pig and Whistle," on the Westerham road, where, after +wetting his own whistle with a pint of half-and-half, he again journeyed +onward, ruminating on the uncertainty and mutability of all earthly +affairs, the comparative merits of stag-, fox-, and hare-hunting, and +the necessity of getting rid of the day somehow or other in the country. + +[Footnote 13: He might well be called a "travelling fox," for it was +said he had just travelled down from Herring's, in the New Road, by the +Bromley stage.] + +Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by the discharge of a gun in the +field adjoining the hedge along which he was passing, and the boisterous +whirring of a great cock-pheasant over his head, which caused his horse +to start and stop short, and to nearly pitch Jorrocks over his head. The +bird was missed, but the sportsman's dog dashed after it, with all the +eagerness of expectation, regardless of the cracks of the whip--the +"comes to heel," and "downs to charge" of the master. Jorrocks pulled +out his hunting telescope, and having marked the bird down with the +precision of a billiard-table keeper, rode to the gate to acquaint the +shooter with the fact, when to his infinite amazement he discovered his +friend, Nosey Browne (late of "The Surrey"), who, since his affairs had +taken the unfortunate turn mentioned in the last paper, had given up +hunting and determined to confine himself to shooting only. Nosey, +however, was no great performer, as may be inferred, when we state that +he had been in pursuit of the above-mentioned cock-pheasant ever since +daybreak, and after firing thirteen shots at him had not yet touched a +feather. + +His dog was of the right sort--for Nosey at least--and hope deferred had +not made his heart sick; on the contrary, he dashed after his bird for +the thirteenth time with all the eagerness he displayed on the first. +"Let me have a crack at him," said Jorrocks to Nosey, after their mutual +salutations were over. "I know where he is, and I think I can floor +him." Browne handed the gun to Jorrocks, who, giving up his hunter in +exchange, strode off, and having marked his bird accurately, he kicked +him up out of a bit of furze, and knocked him down as "dead as a +door-nail." By that pheasant's tail hangs the present one. + +Now Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends, and Nosey's affairs +having gone crooked, why of course, like most men in a similar +situation, he was all the better for it; and while his creditors were +taking twopence-halfpenny in the pound, he was taking his diversion on +his wife's property, which a sagacious old father-in-law had secured to +the family in the event of such a contingency as a failure happening; so +knowing Jorrock's propensity for sports, and being desirous of chatting +over all his gallant doings with "The Surrey," shortly after the +above-mentioned day he dispatched a "twopenny," offering him a day's +shooting on his property in Surrey, adding, that he hoped he would dine +with him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with a freedom peculiar +to fox-hunters, invited his friend the Yorkshireman, and visiting his +armoury, selected him a regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of +carrying ten yards on every side. + +At the appointed hour on the appointed morning, the Yorkshireman +appeared in Great Coram Street, where he found Mr. Jorrocks in the +parlour in the act of settling himself into a new spruce green cut-away +gambroon butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets equal to holding +a powder-flask each, his lower man being attired in tight drab +stocking-net pantaloons, and Hessian boots with large tassels--a +striking contrast to the fustian pocket-and-all-pocket jackets marked +with game-bag strap, and shot-belt, and the weather-beaten many-coloured +breeches and gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose the equipment of +a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks not keeping any "sporting dogs," as +the tax-papers call them, had borrowed a fat house-dog--a cross between +a setter and a Dalmatian--of his friend Mr. Evergreen the greengrocer, +which he had seen make a most undeniable point one morning in the +Copenhagen Fields at a flock of pigeons in a beetroot garden. This +valuable animal was now attached by a trash-cord through a ring in his +brass collar to a leg of the sideboard, while a clean licked dish at his +side, showed that Jorrocks had been trying to attach him to himself, by +feeding him before starting. + +"We'll take a coach to the Castle", said Jorrocks, "and then get a +go-cart or a cast somehow or other to Streatham, for we shall have +walking enough when we get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and +will make us range every acre of his estate over half a dozen times +before we give in". A coach was speedily summoned, into which Jorrocks, +the dog Pompey, the Yorkshireman, and the guns were speedily placed, and +away they drove to the "Elephant and Castle." + +There were short stages about for every possible place except Streatham. +Greenwich, Deptford, Blackheath, Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham, +Lewisham--all places but the right. However, there were abundance of +"go-carts," a species of vehicle that ply in the outskirts of the +metropolis, and which, like the watering-place "fly," take their name +from the contrary--in fact, a sort of _lucus a non lucendo_. They are +carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains to protect the +company from the weather), the drivers of which, partly by cheating, and +partly by picking pockets, eke out a comfortable existence, and are +the most lawless set of rascals under the sun. Their arrival at +the "Elephant and Castle" was a signal for a general muster of the +fraternity, who, seeing the guns, were convinced that their journey was +only what they call "a few miles down the road," and they were speedily +surrounded by twenty or thirty of them, all with "excellent 'osses, vot +vould take their honours fourteen miles an hour." All men of business +are aware of the advantages of competition, and no one more so +than Jorrocks, who stood listening to their offers with the utmost +sang-froid, until he closed with one to take them to Streatham Church +for two shillings, and deliver them within the half-hour, which was a +signal for all the rest to set-to and abuse them, their coachman, and +his horse, which they swore had been carrying "stiff-uns" [14] all night, +and "could not go not none at all". Nor were they far wrong; for the +horse, after scrambling a hundred yards or two, gradually relaxed into +something between a walk and a trot, while the driver kept soliciting +every passer-by to "ride," much to our sportsmen's chagrin, who +conceived they were to have the "go" all to themselves. Remonstrance +was vain, and he crammed in a master chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger the +licensed dealer in tea, coffee, tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham +(a customer of Jorrocks), and a wet-nurse; and took up an Italian +organ-grinder to ride beside himself on the front, before they had +accomplished Brixton Hill. Jorrocks swore most lustily that he would +fine him, and at every fresh assurance, the driver offered a passer-by +a seat; but having enlisted Major Ballenger into their cause, they at +length made a stand, which, unfortunately for them, was more than the +horse could do, for just as he was showing off, as he thought, with a +bit of a trot, down they all soused in the mud. Great was the scramble; +guns, barrel-organ, Pompey, Jorrocks, driver, master chimney-sweep, +Major Ballenger, were all down together, while the wet-nurse, who sat at +the end nearest the door, was chucked clean over the hedge into a dry +ditch. This was a signal to quit the vessel, and having extricated +themselves the best way they could, they all set off on foot, and left +the driver to right himself at his leisure. + +[Footnote 14: Doing a bit of resurrection work.] + +Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they were going to Nosey +Browne's, for it so happened that Nosey had managed to walk into his +books for groceries and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen pounds, a +large sum to a man in a small way of business; and to be entertaining +friends so soon after his composition, seemed curious to Ballenger's +uninitiated suburban mind. + +Crossing Streatham Common, a short turn to the left by some yew-trees +leads, by a near cut across the fields, to Browne's house; a fiery-red +brick castellated cottage, standing on the slope of a gentle eminence, +and combining almost every absurdity a cockney imagination can be +capable of. Nosey, who was his own "Nash," set out with the intention of +making it a castle and nothing but a castle, and accordingly the windows +were made in the loophole fashion, and the door occupied a third of the +whole frontage. The inconveniences of the arrangements were soon felt, +for while the light was almost excluded from the rooms, "rude Boreas" +had the complete run of the castle whenever the door was opened. To +remedy this, Nosey increased the one and curtailed the other, and the +Gothic oak-painted windows and door flew from their positions to make +way for modern plate-glass in rich pea-green casements, and a door of +similar hue. The battlements, however, remained, and two wooden guns +guarded a brace of chimney-pots and commanded the wings of the castle, +one whereof was formed into a green-, the other into a gig-house. + +The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a garden-gate, surmounted by +a holly-bush with the top cut into the shape of a fox, announced their +arrival to the inhabitants of "Rosalinda Castle," and on entering they +discovered young Nosey in the act of bobbing for goldfish, in a +pond about the size of a soup-basin; while Nosey senior, a fat, +stupid-looking fellow, with a large corporation and a bottle nose, +attired in a single-breasted green cloth coat, buff waistcoat, with drab +shorts and continuations, was reposing, _sub tegmine fagi_, in a sort +of tea-garden arbour, overlooking a dung-heap, waiting their arrival to +commence an attack upon the sparrows which were regaling thereon. At +one end of the garden was a sort of temple, composed of oyster-shells, +containing a couple of carrier-pigeons, with which Nosey had intended +making his fortune, by the early information to be acquired by them: but +"there is many a slip," as Jorrocks would say. + +Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a visit to the larder, +and made up a stock of provisions equal to a journey through the +Wilderness, they adjourned to the yard to get the other dog, and the +man to carry the game--or rather, the prog, for the former was but +problematical. He was a character, a sort of chap of all work, one, in +short, "who has no objection to make himself generally useful"; but if +his genius had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination towards +sporting. + +Having to act the part of groom and gamekeeper during the morning, +and butler and footman in the afternoon, he was attired in a sort of +composition dress, savouring of the different characters performed. He +had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-coat cut down into a +shooting-jacket, with a whistle at the button-hole, red plush smalls, +and top-boots. + +There is nothing a cockney delights in more than aping a country +gentleman, and Browne fancied himself no bad hand at it; indeed, since +his London occupation was gone, he looked upon himself as a country +gentleman in fact. "Vell, Joe," said he, striddling and sticking his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, to this invaluable man of +all work, "we must show the gemmem some sport to-day; vich do you think +the best line to start upon--shall we go to the ten hacre field, or the +plantation, or Thompson's stubble, or Timms's turnips, or my meadow, or +vere?" "Vy, I doesn't know," said Joe; "there's that old hen-pheasant as +we calls Drab Bess, vot has haunted the plantin' these two seasons, and +none of us ever could 'it (hit), and I hears that Jack, and Tom, and +Bob, are still left out of Thompson's covey; but, my eyes! they're +'special vild!" "Vot, only three left? where is old Tom, and the old +ramping hen?" inquired Browne. "Oh, Mr. Smith, and a party of them 'ere +Bankside chaps, com'd down last Saturday's gone a week, and rattled +nine-and-twenty shots at the covey, and got the two old 'uns; at least +it's supposed they were both killed, though the seven on 'em only bagged +one bird; but I heard they got a goose or two as they vent home. They +had a shot at old Tom, the hare, too, but he is still alive; at least +I pricked him yesterday morn across the path into the turnip-field. +Suppose we goes at him first?" + +The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in quantity, but Browne +was a wise man and made the most of what he had, and when he used to +talk about his "manor" on 'Change, people thought he had at least a +thousand acres--the extent a cockney generally advertises for, when he +wants to take a shooting-place. The following is a sketch of what he +had: The east, as far as the eye could reach, was bounded by Norwood, +a name dear to cockneys, and the scene of many a furtive kiss; the +hereditaments and premises belonging to Isaac Cheatum, Esq. ran parallel +with it on the west, containing sixty-three acres, "be the same more or +less," separated from which, by a small brook or runner of water, came +the estate of Mr. Timms, consisting of sixty acres, three roods, and +twenty-four perches, commonly called or known by the name of Fordham; +next to it were two allotments in right of common, for all manner of +cattle, except cows, upon Streatham Common, from whence up to Rosalinda +Castle, on the west, lay the estate of Mr. Browne, consisting of fifty +acres and two perches. Now it so happened that Browne had formerly the +permission to sport all the way up to Norwood, a distance of a mile and +a half, and consequently he might have been said to have the right of +shooting in Norwood itself, for the keepers only direct their attention +to the preservation of the timber and the morals of the visitors; but +since his composition with his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, who had "gone to +the wall" himself in former years, was so scandalised at Browne doing +the same, that no sooner did his name appear in the _Gazette_, than +Cheatum withdrew his permission, thereby cutting him off from Norwood +and stopping him in pursuit of his game. + +Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks, in the most +orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint and steel fire-engine, and +proceeded to give it an uncommon good loading. The Yorkshireman, with +a look of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at Joe's plush +breeches and top-boots, did the same, while Nosey, in the most +considerate sportsmanlike manner, merely shouldered a stick, in order +that there might be no delicacy with his visitors, as to who should +shoot first--a piece of etiquette that aids the escape of many a bird in +the neighbourhood of London. + +Old Tom--a most unfortunate old hare, that what with the harriers, the +shooters, the snarers, and one thing and another, never knew a moment's +peace, and who must have started in the world with as many lives as +a cat--being doomed to receive the first crack on this occasion, our +sportsmen stole gently down the fallow, at the bottom of which were the +turnips, wherein he was said to repose; but scarcely had they reached +the hurdles which divided the field, before he was seen legging it away +clean out of shot. Jorrocks, who had brought his gun to bear upon him, +could scarcely refrain from letting drive, but thinking to come upon him +again by stealth, as he made his circuit for Norwood, he strode away +across the allotments and Fordham estate, and took up a position behind +a shed which stood on the confines of Mr. Timms's and Mr. Cheatum's +properties. Here, having procured a rest for his gun, he waited until +old Tom, who had tarried to nip a few blades of green grass that came +in his way, made his appearance. Presently he came cantering along the +outside of the wood, at a careless, easy sort of pace, betokening either +perfect indifference for the world's mischief, or utter contempt of +cockney sportsmen altogether. + +He was a melancholy, woe-begone-looking animal, long and lean, with a +slight inclination to grey on his dingy old coat, one that looked as +though he had survived his kindred and had already lived beyond his day. +Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and his eyes glistened as +he came within range of his gun. A well-timed shot ends poor Tom's +miseries! He springs into the air, and with a melancholy scream rolls +neck over heels. Knowing that Pompey would infallibly spoil him if he +got up first, Jorrocks, without waiting to load, was in the act of +starting off to pick him up, when, at the first step, he found himself +in the grasp of a Herculean monster, something between a coal-heaver and +a gamekeeper, who had been secreted behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who +had been watching his movements, holloaed out to Jorrocks to "hold +hard," who stood motionless, on the spot from whence he fired, and +Browne was speedily alongside of him. "You are on Squire Cheatum's +estate," said the man; "and I have authority to take up all poachers and +persons found unlawfully trespassing; what's your name?" "He's not on +Cheatum's estate," said Browne. "He is," said the man. "You're a liar," +said Browne. "You're another," said the man. And so they went on; for +when such gentlemen meet, compliments pass current. At length the keeper +pulled out a foot-rule, and keeping Jorrocks in the same position he +caught him, he set-to to measure the distance of his foot from the +boundary, taking off in a line from the shed; when it certainly did +appear that the length of a big toe was across the mark, and putting up +his measure again, he insisted upon taking Jorrocks before a magistrate +for the trespass. Of course, no objection could be made, and they all +adjourned to Mr. Boreem's, when the whole case was laid before him. To +cut a long matter short--after hearing the pros and cons, and referring +to the Act of Parliament, his worship decided that a trespass had been +committed; and though, he said, it went against the grain to do so, he +fined Jorrocks in the mitigated penalty of one pound one. + +This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned to the castle with +their prog untouched and no great appetite for dinner. Being only a +family party, when Mrs. B---- retired, the subject naturally turned upon +the morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks waxed more +valiant, until he swore he would appeal against the "conwiction"; and +remaining in the same mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the +Temple in his way to St. Botolph Lane and had six-and-eightpence worth +with Mr. Capias the attorney, who very judiciously argued each side of +the question without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a case +for counsel to advise upon. + +As usual, he gave one that would cut either way, though if it had any +tendency whatever it was to induce Jorrocks to go on; and he not wanting +much persuasion, it will not surprise our readers to hear that Jorrocks, +Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen a few days after crossing +Waterloo Bridge in a yellow post-chaise, on their way to Croydon +sessions. + +After a "guinea" consultation at the "Greyhound," they adjourned to the +court, which was excessively crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with +the farmers and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling, too, +running rather high at the time, there had been a strong "whip" among +the magistrates to get a full attendance to reverse Boreem's conviction, +who had made himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at the +election. Of course they all came in new hats,[15] and sat on the bench +looking as wise as gentlemen judges generally do. + +[Footnote 15: Magistrates always buy their hats about session times, as +they have the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in court.] + +One hundred and twenty-two affiliation cases (for this was in the +old Poor Law time) having been disposed of, about one o'clock in the +afternoon, the chairman, Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of the +day. He was a perfect prototype of a county magistrate--with a bald +powdered head covered by a low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, hair +terminating behind in a _queue_, resting on the ample collar of a +snuff-brown coat, with a large bay-window of a corporation, with +difficulty retained by the joint efforts of a buff waistcoat, and the +waistband of a pair of yellow leather breeches. His countenance, which +was solemn and grave in the extreme, might either be indicative of sense +or what often serves in the place of wisdom--when parties can only hold +their tongues--great natural stupidity. From the judge's seat, which he +occupied in the centre of the bench, he observed, with immense dignity, +"There is an appeal of Jorrocks against Cheatum, which we, the bench of +magistrates of our lord the king, will take if the parties are ready," +and immediately the court rang with "Jorrocks and Cheatum! Jorrocks and +Cheatum! Mr. Capias, attorney-at-law! Mr. Capias answer to his name! Mr. +Sharp attorney-at-law! Mr. Sharp's in the jury-room.--Then go fetch him +directly," from the ushers and bailiffs of the court; for though Tomkins +of Tomkins was slow himself, he insisted upon others being quick, and +was a great hand at prating about saving the time of the suitors. At +length the bustle of counsel crossing the table, parties coming in +and others leaving court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers responding, +gradually subsided into a whisper of, "That's Jorrocks! That's Cheatum!" +as the belligerent parties took their places by their respective +counsel. Silence having been called and procured, Mr. Smirk, a +goodish-looking man for a lawyer, having deliberately unfolded his +brief, which his clerk had scored plentifully in the margin, to make the +attorney believe he had read it very attentively, rose to address the +court--a signal for half the magistrates to pull their newspapers out of +their pockets, and the other half to settle themselves down for a nap, +all the sport being considered over when the affiliation cases closed. + +"I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr. Jorrocks," said Mr. +Smirk, "a gentleman of the very highest consideration--a fox-hunter--a +shooter--and a grocer. In ordinary cases it might be necessary to prove +the party's claim to respectability, but, in this instance, I feel +myself relieved from any such obligation, knowing, as I do, that there +is no one in this court, no one in these realms--I might almost add, +no one in this world--to whom the fame of my most respectable, my most +distinguished, and much injured client is unknown. Not to know JORROCKS +is indeed to argue oneself unknown." + +"This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I approach it with a deep +sense of its importance, conscious of my inability to do justice to the +subject, and lamenting that it has not been entrusted to abler hands. +It is a case involving the commercial and the sporting character of +a gentleman against whom the breath of calumny has never yet been +drawn--of a gentleman who in all the relations of life, whether as a +husband, a fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has invariably preserved +that character and reputation, so valuable in commercial life, so +necessary in the sporting world, and so indispensable to a man moving in +general society. Were I to look round London town in search of a bright +specimen of a man combining the upright, sterling integrity of the +honourable British merchant of former days with the ardour of the +English fox-hunter of modern times, I would select my most respectable +client, Mr. Jorrocks. He is a man for youth to imitate and revere! +Conceive, then, the horror of a man of his delicate sensibility--of his +nervous dread of depreciation--being compelled to appear here this +day to vindicate his character, nay more, his honour, from one of the +foulest attempts at conspiracy that was ever directed against any +individual. I say that a grosser attack was never made upon the +character of any grocer, and I look confidently to the reversion of this +unjust, unprecedented conviction, and to the triumphant victory of my +most respectable and public-spirited client. It is not for the sake of +the few paltry shillings that he appeals to this court--it is not for +the sake of calling in question the power of the constituted authorities +of this county--but it is for the vindication and preservation of a +character dear to all men, but doubly dear to a grocer, and which once +lost can never be regained. Look, I say, upon my client as he sits below +the witness-box, and say, if in that countenance there appears any +indication of a lawless or rebellious spirit; look, I say, if the milk +of human kindness is not strikingly portrayed in every feature, and +truly may I exclaim in the words of the poet:" + + If to his share some trifling errors fall, + Look in his face, and you'll forget them all.' + +"I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable time of the +court; but, sir, this appeal is based on a trespass, and one good +trespass deserves another." + +The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail the proceedings of the +day's shooting, and afterwards to analyse the enactments of the new Game +Bill, which he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and ridiculous, and +concluded a long and energetic speech, by calling upon the court to +reverse the decision of the magistrate, and not support the preposterous +position of fining a man for a trespass committed by his toe. + +After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Sergeant Bumptious, a stiff, +bull-headed little man, desperately pitted with the smallpox, rose to +reply, and looking round the court, thus commenced: + +"Five-and-thirty years have I passed in courts of justice, but never, +during a long and extensive practice, have I witnessed so gross a +perversion of that sublimest gift, called eloquence, as within the last +hour"--here he banged his brief against the table, and looked at Mr. +Smirk, who smiled.--"I lament, sir, that it has not been employed in a +better cause--(bang again--and another look). My learned friend has, +indeed, laboured to make the worse appear the better cause--to convert +into a trifle one of the most outrageous acts that ever disgraced a +human being or a civilised country. Well did he describe the importance +of this case!--important as regards his client's character--important +as regards this great and populous county--important as regards those +social ties by which society is held together--important as regards +a legislative enactment, and important as regards the well-being and +prosperity of the whole nation--(bang, bang, bang). I admire the +bombastic eloquence with which my learned friend introduced his +most distinguished client--his most delicate minded--sensitive +client!--Truly, to hear him speaking I should have thought he had been +describing a lovely, blushing young lady, but when he comes to exhibit +his paragon of perfection, and points out that great, red-faced, coarse, +vulgar-looking, lubberly lump of humanity--(here Bumptious looked at +Jorrocks as he would eat him)--sitting below the witness-box, and +seeks to enlist the sympathies of your worships on the Bench--of you, +gentlemen, the high-minded, shrewd, penetrating judges of this important +cause--(and Bumptious smiled and bowed along the Bench upon all whose +eyes he could catch)--on behalf of such a monster of iniquity, it +does make one blush for the degradation of the British +Bar--(bang--bang--bang--Jorrocks here looked unutterable things). Does +my learned friend think by displaying his hero as a fox-hunter, +and extolling his prowess in the field, to gain over the sporting +magistrates on the Bench? He knows little of the upright integrity--the +uncompromising honesty--the undeviating, inflexible impartiality that +pervades the breast of every member of this tribunal, if he thinks +for the sake of gain, fear, favour, hope, or reward, to influence +the opinion, much less turn the judgment, of any one of them." (Here +Bumptious bowed very low to them all and laid his hand upon his heart. +Tomkins nodded approbation.) "Far, far be it from me to dwell with +unbecoming asperity on the conduct of anyone--we are all mortals--and +alike liable to err; but when I see a man who has been guilty of an act +which has brought him all but within the verge of the prisoners' dock; I +say, when I see a man who has been guilty of such an outrage on society +as this ruffian Jorrocks, come forward with the daring effrontery +that he has this day done, and claim redress where he himself is the +offender, it does create a feeling in my mind divided between disgust +and amazement"--(bang). + +Here Jorrock's cauldron boiled over, and rising from his seat with an +outstretched shoulder-of-mutton fist, he bawled out, "D--n you, sir, +what do you mean?" + +The court was thrown into amazement, and even Bumptious quailed before +the fist of the mighty Jorrocks. "I claim the protection of the court," +he exclaimed. Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he should certainly order +Mr. Jorrocks into custody if he repeated his conduct, adding that it was +"most disrespectful to the justices of our lord the king." + +Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a fresh volume of venom +wherewith to annihilate Jorrocks, and catching his eye, he transfixed +him like a rattlesnake, and again resumed. + +"How stands the case?" said he. "This cockney grocer--for after all +he is nothing else--who I dare say scarcely knows a hawk from a +hand-saw--leaves his figs and raisins, and sets out on a marauding +excursion into the county of Surrey, and regardless of property--of +boundaries--of laws--of liberties--of life itself--strides over every +man's land, letting drive at whatever comes in his way! The hare he shot +on this occasion was a pet hare!--For three successive summers had +Miss Cheatum watched and fed it with all the interest and anxiety of a +parent. I leave it to you, gentlemen, who have daughters of your own, +with pets also, to picture to yourselves the agony of her mind in +finding that her favourite had found its way down the throat of that +great guzzling, gormandising, cockney cormorant; and then, forsooth, +because he is fined for the outrageous trespass, he comes here as the +injured party, and instructs his counsel to indulge in Billingsgate +abuse that would disgrace the mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner! I +regret that instead of the insignificant fine imposed upon him, the law +did not empower the worthy magistrate to send him to the treadmill, +there to recreate himself for six or eight months, as a warning to the +whole fraternity of lawless vagabonds." Here he nodded his head at +Jorrocks as much as to say, "I'll trounce you, my boy!" He then produced +maps and plans of the different estates, and a model of the shed, to +show how it had all happened, and after going through the case in such a +strain as would induce one to believe it was a trial for murder or high +treason, concluded as follows: + +"The eyes of England are upon us--reverse this conviction, and you let +loose a rebel band upon the country, ripe for treason, stratagem, or +spoil--you overturn the finest order of society in the world; henceforth +no man's property will be safe, the laws will be disregarded, and even +the upright, talented, and independent magistracy of England brought +into contempt. But I feel convinced that your decision will be +far otherwise--that by it you will teach these +hot-headed--rebellious--radical grocers that they cannot offend with +impunity, and show them that there is a law which reaches even the +lowest and meanest inhabitant of these realms, that amid these days of +anarchy and innovation you will support the laws and aristocracy of this +country, that you will preserve to our children, and our children's +children, those rights and blessings which a great and enlightened +administration have conferred upon ourselves, and raise for Tomkins +of Tomkins and the magistracy of the proud county of Surrey, a name +resplendent in modern times and venerated to all eternity." + +Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks, and banging down his +brief, tucked his gown under his arm, turned on his heel and left the +court, to indulge in a glass of pale sherry and a sandwich, regardless +which way the verdict went, so long as he had given him a good quilting. +The silence that followed had the effect of rousing some of the dozing +justices, who nudging those who had fallen asleep, they all began to +stir themselves, and having laid their heads together, during which +time they settled the dinner-hour for that day, and the meets of the +staghounds for the next fortnight, they began to talk of the matter +before the court. + +"I vote for reversing," said Squire Jolthead; "Jorrocks is such a +capital fellow." "I must support Boreem," said Squire Hicks: "he gave me +a turn when I made the mistaken commitment of Gipsy Jack." "What do +you say, Mr. Giles?" inquired Mr. Tomkins. "Oh, anything you like, Mr. +Tomkins." "And you, Mr. Hopper?" who had been asleep all the time. "Oh! +guilty, I should say--three months at the treadmill--privately whipped, +if you like," was the reply. Mr. Petty always voted on whichever +side Bumptious was counsel--the learned serjeant having married his +sister--and four others always followed the chair. + +Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates resumed their seats along the +bench, and coming forward he stood before the judge's chair, and taking +off his hat with solemn dignity and precision, laid it down exactly in +the centre of the desk, amid cries from the bailiffs and ushers for +"Silence, while the justices of the peace of our sovereign lord the +king, deliver the judgment of the court." + +"The appellant in this case," said Mr. Tomkins, very slowly, "seeks to +set aside a conviction for trespass, on the ground, as I understand, +of his not having committed one. The principal points of the case are +admitted, as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's toe, or a part of his toe, +having intruded upon the respondent's estate. Now, so far as that point +is concerned, it seems clear to myself and to my brother magistrates, +that it mattereth not how much or how little of the toe was upon the +land, so long as any part thereof was there. 'De minimis non curat +lex'--the English of which is 'the law taketh no cognisance of +fractions'--is a maxim among the salaried judges of the inferior +courts in Westminster Hall, which we the unpaid, the in-cor-rup-ti-ble +magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, have adopted in the very deep +and mature deliberation that preceded the formation of our most solemn +judgment. In the present great and important case, we, the unpaid +magistrates of our sovereign lord the king, do not consider it necessary +that there should be 'a toe, a whole toe, and nothing but a toe,' to +constitute a trespass, any more than it would be necessary in the case +of an assault to prove that the kick was given by the foot, the whole +foot, and nothing but the foot. If any part of the toe was there, the +law considers that it was there _in toto_. Upon this doctrine, it is +clear that Mr. Jorrocks was guilty of a trespass, and the conviction +must be affirmed. Before I dismiss the case I must say a few words on +the statute under which this decision takes place. + +"This is the first conviction that has taken place since the passing +of the Act, and will serve as a precedent throughout all England. I +congratulate the country upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which +it has been submitted. The court has listened with great and becoming +attention to the arguments of the counsel on both sides: and though +one gentleman with a flippant ignorance has denounced this new law as +inferior to the pre-existing system, and a curse to the country, we, +the magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, must enter our protest +against such a doctrine being promulgated. Peradventure, you are all +acquainted with my prowess as a shooter; I won two silver tankards at +the Red House, Anno Domini 1815. I mention this to show that I am a +practical sportsman, and as to the theory of the Game Laws, I derive my +information from the same source that you may all derive yours--from the +bright refulgent pages of the _New Sporting Magazine_!" + + + +IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS + +The Surrey foxhounds had closed their season--a most brilliant one--but +ere Mr. Jorrocks consigned his boots and breeches to their summer +slumber, he bethought of having a look at the Surrey staghounds, a pack +now numbered among the things that were. + +Of course he required a companion, were it only to have some one to +criticise the hounds with, so the evening before the appointed day, as +the Yorkshireman was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the +Piazza Coffee-room in Covent Garden, having just finished his second +marrowbone and glass of white brandy, George--the only waiter in the +room with a name--came smirking up with a card in his hand, saying, that +the gentleman was waiting outside to speak with him. It was a printed +one, but the large round hand in which the address had been filled up, +encroaching upon the letters, had made the name somewhat difficult to +decipher. At length he puzzled out "Mr. John Jorrocks--Coram Street"; +the name of the city house or shop in the corner (No.--, St. Botolph's +Lane) being struck through with a pen. "Oh, ask him to walk in +directly," said the Yorkshireman to George, who trotted off, and +presently the flapping of the doors in the passage announced his +approach, and honest Jorrocks came rolling up the room--not like a +fox-hunter, or any other sort of hunter, but like an honest wholesale +grocer, fresh from the city. + +"My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't think," said he, +advancing with both hands out, and hugging the Yorkshireman after the +manner of a Polar bear. "I have not time to stay one moment; I have to +meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury Square at a quarter to six, +and it wants now only seven minutes to," casting his eye up at the clock +over the sideboard.--"I have just called to say that as you are fond of +hunting, and all that sort of thing, if you have a mind for a day with +the staghounds to-morrow, I will mount you same as before, and all that +sort of thing--you understand, eh?" "Thank you, my good friend," said +the Yorkshireman; "I have nothing to do to-morrow, and am your man for +a stag-hunt." "That's right, my good fellow," said Jorrocks, "then I'll +tell you what do--come and breakfast with me in Great Coram Street, at +half-past seven to a minute. I've got one of the first 'ams (hams) you +ever clapt eyes on in the whole course of your memorable existence.--Saw +the hog alive myself--sixteen score within a pound; must come--know you +like a fork breakfast--dejeune a la fauchette, as we say in France, eh? +Like my Lord Mayor's fool I guess, love what's good; well, all right +too--so come without any ceremony--us fox-hunters hates ceremony--where +there's ceremony there's no friendship.--Stay--I had almost forgotten," +added he, checking himself as he was on the point of departure. "When +you come, ring the area bell, and then Mrs. J---- won't hear; know you +don't like Mrs. J---- no more than myself." + +At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached Great Coram Street, just +as Old Jorrocks had opened the door to look down the street for him. +He was dressed in a fine flowing, olive-green frock (made like a +dressing-gown), with a black velvet collar, having a gold embroidered +stag on each side, gilt stag-buttons, with rich embossed edges; an acre +of buff waistcoat, and a most antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre +buckskins, made by White, of Tarporley, in the twenty-first year of +the reign of George the Third; they were double-lashed, back-stiched, +front-stiched, middle-stiched, and patched at both knees, with a slit up +behind. The coat he had won in a bet, and the breeches in a raffle, the +latter being then second or third hand. His boots were airing before the +fire, consequently he displayed an amplitude of calf in grey worsted +stockings, while his feet were thrust into green slippers. "So glad to +see you"! said he; "here's a charming morning, indeed--regular southerly +wind and a cloudy sky--rare scenting it will be--think I could almost +run a stag myself. Come in--never mind your hat, hang it anywhere, but +don't make a noise. I stole away and left Mrs. J---- snoring, so won't +do to wake her, you know. By the way, you should see my hat;--Batsey, +fatch my hat out of the back parlour. I've set up a new green silk cord, +with a gold frog to fasten it to my button-hole--werry illigant, I +think, and werry suitable to the dress--quite my own idea--have a notion +all the Surrey chaps will get them; for, between you and me, I set the +fashions, and what is more, I sometimes set them at a leap too. But now +tell me, have you any objection to breakfasting in the kitchen?--more +retired, you know, besides which you get everything hot and hot, +which is what I call doing a bit of plisure." "Not at all," said the +Yorkshireman, "so lead the way"; and down they walked to the lower +regions. + +It was a nice comfortable-looking place, with a blazing fire, half +the floor covered with an old oil-cloth, and the rest exhibiting the +cheerless aspect of the naked flags. About a yard and a half from the +fire was placed the breakfast table; in the centre stood a magnificent +uncut ham, with a great quartern loaf on one side and a huge Bologna +sausage on the other; besides these there were nine eggs, two pyramids +of muffins, a great deal of toast, a dozen ship-biscuits, and half a +pork-pie, while a dozen kidneys were spluttering on a spit before the +fire, and Betsy held a gridiron covered with mutton-chops on the top; +altogether there was as much as would have served ten people. "Now, sit +down," said Jorrocks, "and let us be doing, for I am as hungry as +a hunter. Hope you are peckish too; what shall I give you? tea or +coffee?--but take both--coffee first and tea after a bit. If I can't +give you them good, don't know who can. You must pay your devours, as we +say in France, to the 'am, for it is an especial fine one, and do take +a few eggs with it; there, I've not given you above a pound of 'am, but +you can come again, you know--waste not want not. Now take some muffins, +do, pray. Batsey, bring some more cream, and set the kidneys on the +table, the Yorkshireman is getting nothing to eat. Have a chop with +your kidney, werry luxterous--I could eat an elephant stuffed with +grenadiers, and wash them down with a ocean of tea; but pray lay in to +the breakfast, or I shall think you don't like it. There, now take some +tea and toast or one of those biscuits, or whatever you like; would a +little more 'am be agreeable? Batsey, run into the larder and see if +your Missis left any of that cold chine of pork last night--and hear, +bring the cold goose, and any cold flesh you can lay hands on, there are +really no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set you down to +such a scanty fork breakfast; but this is what comes of not being master +of your own house. Hope your hat may long cover your family: rely +upon it, it is cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a pig". Just as +Jorrocks uttered these last words the side door opened, and without +either "with your leave or by your leave", in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in +an elegant dishabille (or "dish-of-veal", as Jorrocks pronounced it), +with her hair tucked up in papers, and a pair of worsted slippers on her +feet, worked with roses and blue lilies. + +"Pray, Mister J----," said she, taking no more notice of the +Yorkshireman than if he had been enveloped in Jack the Giant-killer's +coat of darkness, "what is the meaning of this card? I found it in your +best coat pocket, which you had on last night, and I do desire, sir, +that you will tell me how it came there. Good morning, sir (spying the +Yorkshireman at last), perhaps you know where Mr. Jorrocks was last +night, and perhaps you can tell me who this person is whose card I +have found in the corner of Mr. Jorrocks's best coat pocket?" "Indeed, +madam", replied the Yorkshireman, "Mr. Jorrocks's movements of yesterday +evening are quite a secret to me. It is the night that he usually spends +at the Magpie and Stump, but whether he was there or not I cannot +pretend to say, not being a member of the free and easy club. As for the +card, madam..." "There, then, take it and read it," interrupted Mrs. +J----; and he took the card accordingly--a delicate pale pink, with blue +borders and gilt edge--and read--we would fain put it all in dashes and +asterisks--"Miss Juliana Granville, John Street, Waterloo Road." + +This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or two to recollect +himself, he pretended to get into a thundering passion, and seizing +the card out of the Yorkshireman's hand, he thrust it into the fire, +swearing it was an application for admission into the Deaf and Dumb +Institution, where he wished he had Mrs. J----. The Yorkshireman, seeing +the probability of a breeze, pretended to have forgotten something +at the Piazza, and stole away, begging Jorrocks to pick him up as he +passed. Peace had soon been restored; for the Yorkshireman had not taken +above three or four turns up and down the coffee-room, ere George the +waiter came to say that a gentleman waited outside. Putting on his hat +and taking a coat over his arm, he turned out; when just before the door +he saw a man muffled up in a great military cloak, and a glazed hat, +endeavouring to back a nondescript double-bodied carriage (with lofty +mail box-seats and red wheels), close to the pavement. "Who-ay, who-ay," +said he, "who-ay, who-ay, horse!" at the same time jerking at his mouth. +As the Yorkshireman made his exit, a pair eyes of gleamed through the +small aperture between the high cloak collar and the flipe of the glazed +hat, which he instantly recognised to belong to Jorrocks. "Why, what the +deuce is this you are in?" said he, looking at the vehicle. "Jump up," +said Jorrocks, "and I'll tell you all about it," which having done, and +the machine being set in motion he proceeded to relate the manner in +which he had exchanged his cruelty-van for it--by the way, as arrant +a bone-setter as ever unfortunate got into, but which he, with the +predilection all men have for their own, pronounced to be a "monstrous +nice carriage." On their turning off the rough pavement on to the quiet +smooth Macadamised road leading to Waterloo Bridge, his dissertation was +interrupted by a loud horse-laugh raised by two or three toll-takers and +boys lounging about the gate. + +"I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine," said one. "Dash my buttons, I +never seed such a thing in all my life." "What's to pay?" inquired +Jorrocks, pulling up with great dignity, their observations not having +penetrated the cloak collar which encircled his ears. "To pay!" said the +toll-taker--"vy, vot do ye call your consarn?" "Why, a phaeton," said +Jorrocks. "My eyes! that's a good 'un," said another. "I say, Jim--he +calls this 'ere thing a phe-a-ton!" "A phe-a-ton!--vy, it's more like a +fire-engine," said Jim. "Don't be impertinent," said Jorrocks, who had +pulled down his collar to hear what he had to pay--"but tell me what's +to pay?" "Vy, it's a phe-a-ton drawn by von or more 'orses," said +the toll-taker; "and containing von or more asses," said Tom. +"Sixpence-halfpenny, sir," "You are a saucy fellow," said Jorrocks. +"Thank ye, master, you're another," said the toll-taker; "and now that +you have had your say, vot do ye ax for your mouth?" "I say, sir, do you +belong to the Phenix? Vy don't you show your badge?" "I say, Tom, that +'ere fire-engine has been painted by some house-painter, it's never been +in the hands of no coach-maker. Do you shave by that 'ere glazed castor +of yours?" "I'm blowed it I wouldn't get you a shilling a week to +shove your face in sand, to make moulds for brass knockers." "Ay, get +away!--make haste, or the fire will be out," bawled out another, as +Jorrocks whipped on, and rattled out of hearing. + +"Now, you see," said he, resuming the thread of his discourse, as if +nothing had happened, "this back seat turns down and makes a box, so +that when Mrs. J---- goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all +her things with her, instead of sending half of them by the coach as she +used to do; and if we are heavy, there is a pole belonging to it, so +that we can have two horses; and then there is a seat draws out here +(pulling a stool from between his legs) which anybody can sit on." "Yes, +anybody that is small enough," said the Yorkshireman, "but you would cut +a queer figure on it, I reckon." The truth was, that the "fire-engine" +was one of those useless affairs built by some fool upon a plan of his +own, with the idea of combining every possible comfort and advantage, +and in reality not possessing one. Friend Jorrocks had seen it at a +second-hand shop in Fore Street, and became the happy owner of it, in +exchange for the cruelty-van and seventeen pounds.--Their appearance on +the road created no small sensation, and many were the jokes passed upon +the "fire-engine." One said they were mountebanks; another that it was +a horse-break; a third asked if it was one of Gurney's steam-carriages, +while a fourth swore it was a new convict-cart going to Brixton. +Jorrocks either did not or would not hear their remarks, and kept +expatiating upon the different purposes to which the machine might be +converted, and the stoutness of the horse that was drawing it. + +As they approached the town of Croydon, he turned his cloak over his +legs in a very workman-like manner, and was instantly hailed by some +brother sportsmen;--one complimented him on his looks, another on his +breeches, a third praised his horse, a fourth abused the fire-engine, +and a fifth inquired where he got his glazed hat. He had an answer for +them all, and a nod or a wink for every pretty maid that showed at the +windows; for though past the grand climacteric, he still has a spice of +the devil in him--and, as he says, "there is no harm in looking." The +"Red Lion" at Smitham Bottom was the rendezvous of the day. It is a +small inn on the Brighton road, some three or four miles below Croydon. +On the left of the road stands the inn, on the right is a small +training-ground, and the country about is open common and down. There +was an immense muster about the inn, and also on the training-ground, +consisting of horsemen, gig-men, post-chaise-men, footmen,--Jorrocks and +the Yorkshireman made the firemen. + +"Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare", exclaimed one, as Jorrocks drove +the fire-engine up at as quick a pace as his horse would go. "Why, +what a concern he's in", said another, "why, the old man's mad, +surely".--"He's good for a subscription," added another, addressing him. +"I say, Jorrocks, old boy, you'll give us ten pound for our hounds +won't you?--that's a good fellow." "Oh yes, Jorrocks promised us a +subscription last year," observed another, "and he is a man of his +word--arn't you old leather breeches?" "No, gentlemen," said Jorrocks, +standing up in the fire-engine, and sticking the whip into its nest, +"I really cannot--I wish I could, but I really cannot afford it. Times +really are so bad, and I have my own pack to subscribe to, and I must +be 'just before I am generous.'" "Oh, but ten pounds is nothing in your +way, you know, Jorrocks--adulterate a chest of tea. Old----here will +give you all the leaves off his ash-trees." "No," said Jorrocks, +"I really cannot--ten pounds is ten pounds, and I must cut my coat +according to my cloth." "By Jove, but you must have had plenty of cloth +when you cut that coat you've got on, old boy. Why there's as much cloth +in the laps as would make a pair of horse-sheets." "Never mind," said +Jorrocks, "I wear it, and not you." "Now," said Jorrocks in an undertone +to the Yorkshireman, "you see what an unconscionable set of dogs these +stag-'unters are. They're at every man for a subscription, and talk +about guineas as if they grew upon gooseberry-bushes. Besides, they are +such a rubbishing set--all drafts from the fox'ounds.--Now there's a +chap on a piebald just by the trees--he goes into the _Gazette_ reglarly +once in three years, and yet to see him out, you'd fancy all the country +round belonged to him. And there's a buck with his bearing-rein so tight +that he can hardly move his neck," pointing to a gentleman in scarlet, +with a tremendous stiff blue cravat--"he lives by keeping a mad-house +and being werry high, consequential sort of a cock, they calls him the +'Lord High Keeper!'--I'll tell ye a joke about that fellow," said he, +pointing to a man alighting from a red-wheeled buggy--"he's a werry +shabby screw, and is always trying to save a penny.--Well, he hires a +young half-witted hawbuck for a servant, who didn't clean his boots to +his liking, so he began reading the Riot Act one day, and concluded by +saying, 'I'm blowed if I couldn't clean them better myself with a little +pump-water.'--The next day, up came the boots duller than ever.--'Bless +my soul,' exclaimed he, 'why, they are worse than before, how's this, +sir?'--'Please, sir, you said you could clean them better with a little +pump-water, so I tried it, and I do think they are worse!' Haw! haw! +haw!--Yon chap in the black plush breeches and Hessians, standing by the +ginger-pop tray, is the only man what ever got the better of me in the +'oss-dealing line, and he certainlie did bite me uncommon 'andsomely. +I gave him three and twenty pounds, a strong violin case with patent +hinges, lined with superfine green baize, and an uncut copy of +Middleton's _Cicero_, for an 'oss that the blacksmith really declared +wasn't worth shoeing.--Howsomever, I paid him off, for I christened the +'oss Barabbas--who, you knows, was a robber--and the seller has gone by +the name of Barabbas ever since." + +"Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine?" inquired Jorrocks, +turning to a group who had just approached the fire-engine. "We don't +know yet," said a gentleman in scarlet, "the deer has not come yet; but +yonder he is," pointing up the road to a covered cart, "and there are +the hounds just coming over the hill at the back." The covered cart +approached, and several went to meet it. The cry of "Oh, it's old +Tunbridge," was soon heard. "Well, we shall have a good dinner," said +Jorrocks, "if that is the case. Is it Tunbridge?" inquired he eagerly +of one of the party who returned from the deer-cart. "Yes, it's old +Tunbridge, and Snooks has ordered dinner at the Wells for sixteen at +five o'clock, so the first sixteen that get there had better look out." +"Here, bouy," said Jorrocks in an undertone to his servant, who was +leading his screws about on the green, "take this 'oss out of the +carriage, and give him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tunbridge +Wells, and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, that I shall be there with +a friend to the dinner, and bid him write 'Jorrocks' upon two plates and +place them together.--Nothing like making sure," said he, chuckling at +his own acuteness. + +"Now to 'orse--to 'orse!" exclaimed he, suiting the action to the word, +and climbing on to his great chestnut, leaving the Yorkshireman to mount +the rat-tail brown. "Let's have a look at the 'ounds", turning his horse +in the direction in which they were coming. Jonathan Griffin[16] took off +his cap to Jorrocks, as he approached, who waved his hand in the most +patronising manner possible, adding "How are you, Jonathan?" "Pretty +well, thank you, Mister Jorrocks, hope you're the same." "No, not the +same, for I'm werry well, which makes all the difference--haw! haw! haw! +You seem to have but a shortish pack, I think--ten, twelve, fourteen +couple--'ow's that? We always take nine and twenty with the Surrey". +"Why, you see, Mister Jorrocks, stag-hunting and fox-hunting are very +different. The scent of the deer is very ravishing, and then we have no +drawing for our game. Besides, at this season, there are always bitches +to put back--but we have plenty of hounds for sport.--I suppose we may +be after turning out," added Jonathan, looking at his watch--"it's past +eleven." + +[Footnote 16: Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his +day, exists, like his pack, but in the recollection of mankind. He +was long huntsman to the late Lord Derby, who, when he gave up his +staghounds, made Jonathan a present of them, and for two or three +seasons he scratched on in an indifferent sort of way, until the hounds +were sold to go abroad--to Hungary, we believe.] + +On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and began collecting, +or capping, prior to turning out--it being the rule of the hunt to make +sure of the money before starting, for fear of accidents. "Half a crown, +if you please, sir." "Now I'll take your half a crown." "Mr. Jorrocks, +shall I trouble you for half a crown?" "Oh, surely," said Jorrocks, +pulling out a handful of great five-shilling pieces; "here's for this +gentleman and myself," handing one of them over, "and I shan't even ask +you for discount for ready money." The capping went round, and a goodly +sum was collected. Meanwhile the deer-cart was drawn to the far side of +a thick fence, and the door being opened, a lubberly-looking animal, as +big as a donkey, blobbed out, and began feeding very composedly. "That +won't do," said Jonathan Griffin, eyeing him--"ride on, Tom, and whip +him away." Off went the whip, followed by a score of sportsmen whose +shouts, aided by the cracking of their whips, would have frightened the +devil himself; and these worthies, knowing the hounds would catch them +up in due time, resolved themselves into a hunt for the present, and +pursued the animal themselves. Ten minutes having expired and the hounds +seeming likely to break away, Jonathan thought it advisable to let them +have their wicked will, and accordingly they rushed off in full cry +to the spot where the deer had been uncarted. Of course, there was no +trouble in casting for the scent; indeed they were very honest, and did +not pretend to any mystery; the hounds knew within an inch where it +would be, and the start was pretty much like that for a hunter's plate +in four-mile heats. A few dashing blades rode before the hounds +at starting, but otherwise the field was tolerably quiet, and was +considerably diminished after the three first leaps. The scent improved, +as did the pace, and presently they got into a lane along which they +rattled for five miles as hard as ever they could lay legs to the +ground, throwing the mud into each other's faces, until each man looked +as if he was roughcast. A Kentish wagon, drawn by six oxen, taking up +the whole of the lane, had obliged the dear animal to take to the fields +again, where, at the first fence, most of our high-mettled racers stood +still. In truth, it was rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch, with a +mud bank and a rotten landing. "Now, who's for it? Go it, Jorrocks, +you're a fox-hunter," said one, who, erecting himself in his stirrups, +was ogling the opposite side. "I don't like it," said Jorrocks; "is +never a gate near?" "Oh yes, at the bottom of the field," and away they +all tore for it. The hounds now had got out of sight, but were heard +running in cover at the bottom of the turnip-field into which they had +just passed, and also the clattering of horses' hoofs on the highway. +The hounds came out several times on to the road, evidently carrying the +scent, but as often threw up and returned into the cover. The huntsman +was puzzled at last; and quite convinced that the deer was not in the +wood, he called them out, and proceeded to make a cast, followed by the +majority of the field. They trotted about at a brisk pace, first to the +right, then to the left, afterwards to the north, and then to the +south, over grass, fallow, turnips, potatoes, and flints, through three +farmyards, round two horse-ponds, and at the back of a small village or +hamlet, without a note, save those of a few babblers. Everyone seemed to +consider it a desperate job. They were all puzzled; at last they heard +a terrible holloaing about a quarter of a mile to the south, and +immediately after was espied a group of horsemen, galloping along the +road at full speed, in the centre of which was Jorrocks; his green coat +wide open, with the tails flying a long way behind that of his horse, +his right leg was thrust out, down the side of which he kept applying +his ponderous hunting whip, making a most terrible clatter. As they +approached, he singled himself out from the group, and was the first to +reach the field. He immediately burst out into one of his usual hunting +energetic strains. "Oh Jonathan Griffin! Jonathan Griffin!" said he, +"here's a lamentable occurrence--a terrible disaster! Oh dear, oh +dear--we shall never get to Tunbridge--that unfortunate deer has escaped +us, and we shall never see nothing more of him--rely upon it, he's +killed before this." "Why, how's that?" inquired Griffin, evidently in a +terrible perturbation. "Why," said Jorrocks, slapping the whip down his +leg again, "there's a little girl tells me, that as she was getting +water at the well just at the end of the wood, where we lost him, she +saw what she took to be a donkey jump into a return post-chaise from the +'Bell', at Seven Oaks, that was passing along the road with the door +swinging wide open! and you may rely upon it, it was the deer. The +landlord of the 'Bell' will have cut his throat before this, for, you +know, he vowed wengeance against us last year, because his wife's +pony-chaise was upset, and he swore that we did it." "Oh, but that's a +bad job", said the huntsman; "what shall we do?" "Here, Tom," calling to +the whipper-in, "jump on to the Hastings coach" (which just came up), +"and try if you can't overtake him, and bring him back, chaise and all, +and I'll follow slowly with the hounds." Tom was soon up, the coach +bowled on, and Jonathan and the hounds trotted gently forward till they +came to a public-house. Here, as they stopped lamenting over their +unhappy fate, and consoling themselves with some cold sherry negus, the +post-chaise appeared in sight, with the deer's head sticking out of the +side window with all the dignity of a Lord Mayor. "Huzza! huzza! huzza!" +exclaimed Jorrocks, taking off his hat, "here's old Tunbridge come back +again, huzza! huzza!" "But who's to pay me for the po-chay," said the +driver, pulling up; "I must be paid before I let him out." "How much?" +says Jonathan. "Why, eighteen-pence a mile, to be sure, and three-pence +a mile to the driver." "No," says Jorrocks, "that won't do, yours is a +return chay; however, here's five shillings for you, and now, Jonathan, +turn him out again--he's quite fresh after his ride--and see, he's got +some straw in the bottom." + +Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head towards the town from +whence he took his name, and after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack +was again laid on. He was not, however, in very good wind, and it was +necessary to divide the second chase into two heats, for which purpose +the hounds were whipped off about the middle, while the deer took a cold +bath, after which he was again set a-going. By half-past three they had +accomplished the run; and Mr. Pegg, of the "Sussex Arms," having mounted +his Pegasus, found them at the appointed place by the Medway, where old +Tunbridge's carriage was waiting, into which having handed him, they +repaired to the inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of them sat down to a +dinner consisting of every delicacy of the season, the Lord High Keeper +in the chair. Being all "hungry as hunters," little conversation passed +until after the removal of the cloth, when after the King and his +Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the President gave "The noble, manly +sport of stag-hunting," which he eulogised as the most legitimate and +exhilarating of all sports, and sketched its progress from its wild +state of infancy when the unhappy sportsmen had to range the fields and +forests for their uncertain game, to the present state of luxurious ease +and elaborate refinement, when they not only brought their deer to the +meet, but by selecting the proper animal, could insure a finish at +the place they most wished to dine at--all of which was most +enthusiastically applauded; and on the speaker's ending, "Stag-hunting," +and the "Surrey staghounds," and "Long life to all stag-hunters," were +drank in brimming and overflowing bumpers. Fox-hunting, hare-hunting, +rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, rat-catching, badger-baiting--all wild, +seasonable, and legitimate sports followed; and the chairman having +run through his list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting rather mellow, +resolved to try the soothing system on him for a subscription, the +badgering of the morning not having answered. Accordingly, he called +on the company to charge their glasses, as he would give them a bumper +toast, which he knew they would have great pleasure in drinking.--"He +wished to propose the health of his excellent friend on his right--MR. +JORROCKS (applause), a gentleman whose name only required mentioning in +any society of hunters to insure it a hearty and enthusiastic reception. +He did not flatter his excellent friend when he said he was a man for +the imitation of all, and he was sure that when the present company +recollected the liberal support he gave to the Surrey foxhounds, +together with the keenness with which he followed that branch of +amusement, they would duly appreciate, not only the honour he had +conferred upon them by his presence in the field that morning, and at +the table that day, but the disinterested generosity which had prompted +him voluntarily to declare his intention of contributing to the future +support of the Surrey staghounds (immense cheers). He therefore thought +the least they could do was to drink the health of Mr. Jorrocks, and +success to the Surrey foxhounds, with three times three," which was +immediately responded to with deafening cheers. + +Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on his legs, and with +one hand rattling the five-shilling pieces in his breeches-pocket, and +the thumb of the other thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus +began to address them.--"Gentlemen," said he, "I'm no orator, but I'm +an honest man--(hiccup)--I feels werry (hiccup) much obliged to my +excellent friend the Lord High Keeper (shouts of laughter), I begs his +pardon--my friend Mr. Juggins--for the werry flattering compliment he +has paid me in coupling my name (hiccup) with the Surrey fox'ounds--a +pack, I may say, without wanity (hiccup), second to none. I'm a werry +old member of the 'unt, and when I was a werry poor man (hiccup) I +always did my best to support them (hiccup), and now that I'm a werry +rich man (cheers) I shan't do no otherwise. About subscribing to the +staggers, I doesn't recollect saying nothing whatsomever about it +(hiccup), but as I'm werry friendly to sporting in all its +ramifications (hiccup), I'll be werry happy to give ten pounds to your +'ounds."--Immense cheers followed this declaration, which lasted for +some seconds. When they had subsided, Jorrocks put his finger on his +nose and, with a knowing wink of his eye, added: "Prowided my friend +the Lord High Keep--I begs his pardon--Juggins--will give ten pounds to +ours!" + + + +V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET + +"A muffin--and the _Post_, sir," said George to the Yorkshireman,--on +one of the fine fresh mornings that gently usher in the returning +spring, and draw from the town-pent cits sighs for the verdure of +the fields,--as he placed the above mentioned articles on his usual +breakfast table in the coffee-room of the "Piazza." + +With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole day is unoccupied, the +Yorkshireman sweetened his tea, drew the muffin and a select dish of +prawns to his elbow, and turning sideways to the table, crossed his legs +and prepared to con the contents of the paper. The first page as usual +was full of advertisements.--Sales by auction--Favour of your vote +and interest--If the next of kin--Reform your tailor's bills--Law--- +Articled clerk--An absolute reversion--Pony phaeton--Artificial +teeth--Messrs. Tattersall--Brace of pointers--Dog lost--Boy found--Great +sacrifice--No advance in coffee--Matrimony--A single gentleman--Board +and lodging in an airy situation--To omnibus proprietors--Steam to Leith +and Hull--Stationery--Desirable investment for a small capital--The fire +reviver or lighter. + +Then turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole meadow of type, +consisting of the previous night's debate, followed on by City news, +Police reports, Fashionable arrivals and departures, Dinners given, +Sporting intelligence, Newmarket Craven meeting. "That's more in my +way," said the Yorkshireman to himself as he laid down the paper and +took a sip of his tea. "I've a great mind to go, for I may just as well +be at Newmarket as here, having nothing particular to do in either +place. I came to stay a hundred pounds in London it's true, but if I +stay ten of it at Newmarket, it'll be all the same, and I can go home +from there just as well as from here"; so saying, he took another turn +at the tea. The race list was a tempting one, Riddlesworth, Craven +Stakes, Column Stakes, Oatlands, Port, Claret, Sherry, Madeira, and all +other sorts. A good week's racing in fact, for the saintly sinners who +frequent the Heath had not then discovered any greater impropriety in +travelling on a Sunday, then in cheating each other on the Monday. The +tea was good, as were the prawns and eggs, and George brought a second +muffin, at the very moment that the Yorkshireman had finished the last +piece of the first, so that by the time he had done his breakfast and +drawn on his boots, which were dryer and pleasanter than the recent damp +weather had allowed of their being, he felt completely at peace with +himself and all the world, and putting on his hat, sallied forth with +the self-satisfied air of a man who had eat a good breakfast, and yet +not too much. + +Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind, and as he sauntered along +in the direction of the Strand, it occurred to him that perhaps Mr. +Jorrocks might have no objection to accompany him. On entering that +great thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to the east, and having +examined the contents of all the caricature shops in the line, and paid +threepence for a look at the _York Herald_, in the Chapter Coffee-house, +St. Paul's Churchyard, about noon he reached the corner of St. Botolph +Lane. Before Jorrocks & Co.'s warehouse, great bustle and symptoms +of brisk trade were visible. With true city pride, the name on the +door-post was in small dirty-white letters, sufficiently obscure to +render it apparent that Mr. Jorrocks considered his house required no +sign; while, as a sort of contradiction, the covered errand-cart before +it, bore "JORROCKS & Co.'s WHOLESALE TEA WAREHOUSE," in great gilt +letters on each side of the cover, so large that "he who runs might +read," even though the errand-cart were running too. Into this cart, +which was drawn by the celebrated rat-tail hunter, they were pitching +divers packages for town delivery, and a couple of light porters nearly +upset the Yorkshireman, as they bustled out with their loads. The +warehouse itself gave evident proof of great antiquity. It was not +one of your fine, light, lofty, mahogany-countered, banker-like +establishments of modern times, where the stock-in-trade often consists +of books and empty canisters, but a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty, +dingy sort of cellar above ground, full of hogsheads, casks, flasks, +sugar-loaves, jars, bags, bottles, and boxes. + +The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt, and was sprinkled +with rice, currants, and raisins, as though they had been scattered for +the purpose of growing. A small corner seemed to have been cut off, like +the fold of a Leicestershire grazing-ground, and made into an office in +the centre of which was a square or two of glass that commanded a view +of the whole warehouse. "Is Mr. Jorrocks in?" inquired the Yorkshireman +of a porter, who was busy digging currants with a wooden spade. "Yes, +sir, you'll find him in the counting-house," was the answer; but on +looking in, though his hat and gloves were there, no Jorrocks was +visible. At the farther end of the warehouse a man in his shirt-sleeves, +with a white apron round his waist and a brown paper cap on his head, +was seen under a very melancholy-looking skylight, holding his head over +something, as if his nose were bleeding. The Yorkshireman groped his way +up to him, and asking if Mr. Jorrocks was in, found he was addressing +the grocer himself. He had been leaning over a large trayful of little +white cups--with teapots to match--trying the strength, flavour, and +virtue of a large purchase of tea, and the beverage was all smoking +before him. "My vig," exclaimed he, holding out his hand, "who'd have +thought of seeing you in the city, this is something unkimmon! However, +you're werry welcome in St. Botolph Lane, and as this is your +first wisit, why, I'll make you a present of some tea--wot do you +drink?--black or green, or perhaps both--four pounds of one and two of +t'other. Here, Joe!" summoning his foreman, "put up four pounds of that +last lot of black that came in, and two pounds of superior green, and +this gentleman will tell you where to leave it.--And when do you think +of starting?" again addressing the Yorkshireman--"egad this is fine +weather for the country--have half a mind to have a jaunt myself--makes +one quite young--feel as if I'd laid full fifty years aside, and were +again a boy--when did you say you start?" "Why, I don't know exactly," +replied the Yorkshireman, "the weather's so fine that I'm half tempted +to go round by Newmarket." "Newmarket!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing +his arm in the air, while his paper cap fell from his head with the +jerk--"by Newmarket! why, what in the name of all that's impure, have +you to do at Newmarket?" + +"Why, nothing in particular; only, when there's neither hunting nor +shooting going on, what is a man to do with himself?--I'm sure you'd +despise me if I were to go fishing." "True," observed Mr. Jorrocks +somewhat subdued, and jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. +"Fox-'unting is indeed the prince of sports. The image of war, without +its guilt, and only half its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to +it--a perfect wictim--no one knows wot I suffer from my ardour.--If ever +I'm wisited with the last infirmity of noble minds, it will be caused by +my ingovernable passion for the chase. The sight of a saddle makes me +sweat. An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A red coat throws me into a +scarlet fever. Never throughout life have I had a good night's rest +before an 'unting morning. But werry little racing does for me; Sadler's +Wells is well enough of a fine summer evening--especially when they +plump the clown over head in the New River cut, and the ponies don't +misbehave in the Circus,--but oh! Newmarket's a dreadful place, the +werry name's a sickener. I used to hear a vast about it from poor Will +Softly of Friday Street. It was the ruin of him--and wot a fine business +his father left him, both wholesale and retail, in the tripe and +cow-heel line--all went in two years, and he had nothing to show at the +end of that time for upwards of twenty thousand golden sovereigns, but a +hundredweight of children's lamb's-wool socks, and warrants for thirteen +hogsheads of damaged sherry in the docks. No, take my adwice, and have +nothing to say to them--stay where you are, or, if you're short of swag, +come to Great Coram Street, where you shall have a bed, wear-and-tear +for your teeth, and all that sort of thing found you, and, if Saturday's +a fine day, I'll treat you with a jaunt to Margate." + +"You are a regular old trump," said the Yorkshireman, after listening +attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had exhausted himself, "but, you see, +you've never been at Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing you +about it. I can assure you from personal experience that the people +there are quite as honest as those you meet every day on 'Change, +besides which, there is nothing more invigorating to the human +frame--nothing more cheering to the spirits, than the sight and air of +Newmarket Heath on a fine fresh spring morning like the present. The +wind seems to go by you at a racing pace, and the blood canters up and +down the veins with the finest and freest action imaginable. A stranger +to the race-course would feel, and almost instinctively know, what turf +he was treading, and the purpose for which that turf was intended". + + "There's a magic in the web of it." + +"Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock," observed Mr. Jorrocks +interrupting the Yorkshireman, "and would conwince the devil himself +that black is white, but you'll never make me believe the Newmarket +folks are honest, and as to the fine hair (air) you talk of, there's +quite as good to get on Hampstead Heath, and if it doesn't make the +blood canter up and down your weins, you can always amuse yourself +by watching the donkeys cantering up and down with the sweet little +children--haw! haw! haw!--But tell me what is there at Newmarket that +should take a man there?" "What is there?" rejoined the Yorkshireman, +"why, there's everything that makes life desirable and constitutes +happiness, in this world, except hunting. First there is the beautiful, +neat, clean town, with groups of booted professors, ready for the +rapidest march of intellect; then there are the strings of clothed +horses--the finest in the world--passing indolently at intervals to +their exercise,--the flower of the English aristocracy residing in the +place. You leave the town and stroll to the wide open heath, where all +is brightness and space; the white rails stand forth against the dear +blue sky--the brushing gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye; +crowds of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud the heath; you +feel elated and long to bound over the well groomed turf and to try the +speed of the careering wind. All things at Newmarket train the mind to +racing. Life seems on the start, and dull indeed were he who could rein +in his feelings when such inspiring objects meet together to madden +them!" + +"Bravo!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper cap in the air as the +Yorkshireman concluded.--"Bravo!--werry good indeed! You speak like ten +Lord Mayors--never heard nothing better. Dash my vig, if I won't go. By +Jove, you've done it. Tell me one thing--is there a good place to feed +at?" + +"Capital!" replied the Yorkshireman, "beef, mutton, cheese, ham, all +the delicacies of the season, as the sailor said"; and thereupon the +Yorkshireman and Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain. + +Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the "Belle Sauvage," +in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy "Binjimin," with Mr. Jorrocks's +carpet-bag; and shortly after Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter, and +the Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the yard. Having consigned his +horse to Binjimin; after giving him a very instructive lesson relative +to the manner in which he would chastise him if he heard of his trotting +or playing any tricks with the horse on his way home, Mr. Jorrocks +proceeded to pay the remainder of his fare in the coach office. The mail +was full inside and out, indeed the book-keeper assured him he could +have filled a dozen more, so anxious ware all London to see the +Riddlesworth run. "Inside," said he, "are you and your friend, and if it +wern't that the night air might give you cold, Mr. Jorrocks" (for all +the book-keepers in London know him), "I should have liked to have got +you outsides, and I tried to make an exchange with two black-legs, but +they would hear of nothing less than two guineas a head, which wouldn't +do, you know. Here comes another of your passengers--a great foreign +nobleman, they say--Baron something--though he looks as much like a +foreign pickpocket as anything else." + +"Vich be de voiture?" inquired a tall, gaunt-looking foreigner, with +immense moustache, a high conical hat with a bright buckle, long, loose, +blueish-blackish frock-coat, very short white waistcoat, baggy brownish +striped trousers, and long-footed Wellington boots, with a sort of +Chinese turn up at the toe. "Vich be de Newmarket Voiture?" said he, +repeating the query, as he entered the office and deposited a silk +umbrella, a camlet cloak, and a Swiss knapsack on the counter. The +porter, without any attempt at an answer, took his goods and walked off +to the mail, followed closely by the Baron, and after depositing the +cloak inside, so that the Baron might ride with his "face to the +horses," as the saying is, he turned the knapsack into the hind boot, +and swung himself into the office till it was time to ask for something +for his exertions. Meanwhile the Baron made a tour of the yard, taking +a lesson in English from the lettering on the various coaches, when, +on the hind boot of one, he deciphered the word Cheapside.--"Ah, +Cheapside!" said he, pulling out his dictionary and turning to the +letter C. "Chaste, chat, chaw,--cheap, dat be it. Cheap,--to be had at +a low price--small value. Ah! I hev (have) it," said he, stamping and +knitting his brows, "sacre-e-e-e-e nom de Dieu," and the first word +being drawn out to its usual longitude, three strides brought him and +the conclusion of the oath into the office together. He then opened out +upon the book-keeper, in a tremendous volley of French, English and +Hanoverian oaths, for he was a cross between the first and last named +countries, the purport of which was "dat he had paid de best price, +and he be dem if he vod ride on de Cheapside of de coach." In vain +the clerks and book-keepers tried to convince him he was wrong in his +interpretation. With the full conviction of a foreigner that he was +about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to the opposite side of +the coach, and the knapsack placed on the roof. The fourth inside having +cast up, the outside passengers mounted, the insides took their places, +three-pences and sixpences were pulled out for the porters, the guard +twanged his horn, the coachman turned out his elbow, flourished his +whip, caught the point, cried "All right! sit tight!" and trotted out of +the yard. + +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each other, the Baron and old +Sam Spring, the betting man, did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, +with his curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old drab hat +turned up with green, careless neckcloth, flowing robe, and comical cut? +He knew Jorrocks--though--tell it not in Coram Street, he didn't know +his name; but concluded from the disparity of age between him and his +companion, that Jorrocks was either a shark or a shark's jackal, and +the Yorkshireman a victim. With due professional delicacy, he contented +himself with scrutinising the latter through his specs. The Baron's +choler having subsided, he was the first to break the ice of silence. +"Foine noight," was the observation, which was thrown out promiscuously +to see who would take it up. Now Sam Spring, though he came late, had +learned from the porter that there was a Baron in the coach, and being a +great admirer of the nobility, for whose use he has a code of signals +of his own, consisting of one finger to his hat for a Baron Lord as he +calls them, two for a Viscount, three for an Earl, four for a Marquis, +and the whole hand for a Duke, he immediately responded with "Yes, my +lord," with a fore-finger to his hat. There is something sweet in the +word "Lord" which finds its way home to the heart of an Englishman. +No sooner did Sam pronounce it, than the Baron became transformed in +Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort of person, and forthwith he +commences ingratiating himself by offering him a share of a large paper +of sandwiches, which the Baron accepted with the greatest condescension, +eating what he could and stuffing the remainder into his hat. His +lordship was a better hand at eating than speaking, and the united +efforts of the party could not extract from him the precise purport of +his journey. Sam threw out two or three feasible offers in the way of +bets, but they fell still-born to the bottom of the coach, and Jorrocks +talked to him about hunting and had the conversation all to himself, +the Baron merely replying with a bow and a stare, sometimes diversified +with, or "I tank you--vare good." The conversation by degrees resolved +itself into a snore, in which they were all indulging, when the raw +morning air rushed in among them, as a porter with a lanthorn opened the +door and announced their arrival at Newmarket. Forthwith they turned +into the street, and the outside passengers having descended, they all +commenced straddling, yawning, and stretching their limbs while the +guard and porters sorted their luggage. The Yorkshireman having an eye +to a bed, speedily had Mr. Jorrocks's luggage and his own on the back +of a porter on its way to the "Rutland Arms," while that worthy citizen +followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment at the smallness of the place, +inquiring if they were sure they had not stopped at some village by +mistake. Two beds had been ordered for two gentlemen who could not get +two seats by the mail, which fell to the lot of those who did, and into +these our heroes trundled, having arranged to be called by the early +exercising hour. + +Whether it was from want of his usual night-cap of brandy and water, or +the fatigues of travelling, or what else, remains unknown, but no sooner +was Mr. Jorrocks left alone with his candle, than all at once he was +seized with a sudden fit of trepidation, on thinking that he should have +been inveigled to such a place as Newmarket, and the tremor increasing +as he pulled four five-pound bank-notes out of his watch-pocket, besides +a vast of silver and his great gold watch, he was resolved, should an +attempt be made upon his property, to defend it with his life, and +having squeezed the notes into the toe of his boots, and hid the silver +in the wash-hand stand, he very deliberately put his watch and the poker +under the pillow, and set the heavy chest of drawers with two stout +chairs and a table against the door, after all which exertions he got +into bed and very soon fell sound asleep. + +Most of the inmates of the house were up with the lark to the early +exercises, and the Yorkshireman was as early as any of them. Having +found Mr. Jorrocks's door, he commenced a loud battery against it +without awaking the grocer; he then tried to open it, but only succeeded +in getting it an inch or two from the post, and after several holloas of +"Jorrocks, my man! Mr. Jorrocks! Jorrocks, old boy! holloa, Jorrocks!" +he succeeded in extracting the word "Wot?" from the worthy gentleman as +he rolled over in his bed. "Jorrocks!" repeated the Yorkshireman, "it's +time to be up." "Wot?" again was the answer. "Time to get up. The +morning's breaking." "Let it break," replied he, adding in a mutter, as +he turned over again, "it owes me nothing." + +Entreaties being useless, and a large party being on the point of +setting off, the Yorkshireman joined them, and spent a couple of hours +on the dew-bespangled heath, during which time they not only criticised +the figure and action of every horse that was out, but got up tremendous +appetites for breakfast. In the meantime Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and +having attired himself with his usual care, in a smart blue coat with +metal buttons, buff waistcoat, blue stocking-netted tights, and Hessian +boots, he turned into the main street of Newmarket, where he was lost in +astonishment at the insignificance of the place. But wiser men than +Mr. Jorrocks have been similarly disappointed, for it enters into +the philosophy of few to conceive the fame and grandeur of Newmarket +compressed into the limits of the petty, outlandish, Icelandish place +that bears the name. "Dash my vig," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he brought +himself to bear upon Rogers's shop-window, "this is the werry +meanest town I ever did see. Pray, sir," addressing himself to a +groomish-looking man in a brown cut-away coat, drab shorts and +continuations, who had just emerged from the shop with a race list in +his hand, "Pray, sir, be this your principal street?" The man eyed him +with a mixed look of incredulity and contempt. At length, putting his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, he replied, "I bet a crown +you know as well as I do." "Done," said Mr. Jorrocks holding out his +hand. "No--I won't do that," replied the man, "but I'll tell you what +I'll do with you,--I'll lay you two to one, in fives or fifties if you +like, that you knew before you axed, and that Thunderbolt don't win the +Riddlesworth." "Really," said Mr. Jorrocks, "I'm not a betting man." +"Then, wot the 'ell business have you at Newmarket?" was all the answer +he got. Disgusted with such inhospitable impertinence, Mr. Jorrocks +turned on his heel and walked away. Before the "White Hart" Inn was a +smartish pony phaeton, in charge of a stunted stable lad. "I say, young +chap," inquired Jorrocks, "whose is that?" "How did you know that I +was a young chap?" inquired the abortion turning round. "Guessed it," +replied Jorrocks, chuckling at his own wit. "Then guess whose it is." + +"Pray, are your clocks here by London time?" he asked of a respectable +elderly-looking man whom he saw turn out of the entry leading to the +Kingston rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and then +down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his breeches-pockets, there +to stand to see the "world." [17] "Come now, old 'un--none o' your tricks +here--you've got a match on against time, I suppose," was all the answer +he could get after the man (old R--n the ex-flagellator) had surveyed +him from head to foot. + +[Footnote 17: Newmarket or London--it's all the same--"The world" is but +composed of one's own acquaintance.] + +We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when Mr. Jorrocks met +the Yorkshireman, he was not in the best possible humour; indeed, to say +nothing of the extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we know of +no place where a man, not fond of racing, is so completely out of his +element as at Newmarket, for with the exception of a little "elbow +shaking" in the evening, there is literally and truly nothing else +to do. It is "Heath," "Ditch in," "Abingdon mile," "T.Y.C. Stakes," +"Sweepstakes," "Handicaps," "Bet," "Lay," "Take," "Odds," "Evens," +morning, noon and night. + +Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the breakfast, and some +invidious comparisons between racing men and fox-hunters, which, +however, became softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the +delicacy of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at length appeased, he +again thought of turning out, to have a look, as he said, at the shows +on the course, but the appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the +window, put it out of his head, and he sallied forth to join him. The +Baron was evidently incog.: for he had on the same short dirty-white +waistcoat, Chinese boots, and conical hat, that he travelled down in, +and being a stranger in the land, of course he was uncommonly glad to +pick up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged him a little, called him a "bon +garcon," and a few other endearing terms, he run his great long arm +through his, and walked him down street, the whole peregrinations of +Newmarket being comprised in the words "up street" and "down." He then +communicated in most unrepresentable language, that he was on his way +to buy "an 'oss," and Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect +connoisseur in the article, the Baron again assured him of his +distinguished consideration. They were met by Joe Rogers the trainer +with a ring-key in his hand, who led the way to the stable, and having +unlocked a box in which was a fine slapping four-year old, according to +etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in one hand, laid +hold of the horse's head with the other, while the lad in attendance +stripped off its clothes. The Baron then turned up his wrists, and +making a curious noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand down +each leg, and along its back, after which he gave it a thump in the +belly and squeezed its throat, when, being as wise as he was at +starting, he stuck his thumb in his side, and took a mental survey of +the whole.--"Ah," said he at length--"foin 'oss,--foin 'oss; vot ears he +has?" "Oh," said Rogers, "they show breeding." "Non, non, I say vot ears +he has?" "Well, but he carries them well," was the answer. "Non, non," +stamping, "I say vot ears (years) he has?" "Oh, hang it, I twig--four +years old." Then the Baron took another long look at him. At length he +resumed, "I vill my wet." "What's that?" inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. +"His wet--why, a drink to be sure," and thereupon Rogers went to the +pump and brought a glass of pure water, which the Baron refused with +becoming indignation. "Non, non," said he stamping, "I vill my wet." +Rogers looked at Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at Rogers, but neither +Rogers nor Jorrocks understood him. "I vill my wet," repeated the Baron +with vehemence. "He must want some brandy in it," observed Mr. Jorrocks, +judging of the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent for +three-penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed it out of his hand +with a prolonged sacre-e-e-e--! adding "I vill von wet-tin-nin-na-ary +surgeon." The boy was dispatched for one, and on his arrival the +veterinary surgeon went through the process that the Baron had +attempted, and not being a man of many words, he just gave the Baron a +nod at the end. "How moch?" inquked the Baron of Rogers. "Five hundred," +was the answer. "Vot, five hundred livre?" "Oh d----n it, you may take +or leave him, just as you like, but you won't get him for less." The +"vet" explained that the Baron wished to know whether it was five +hundred francs (French ten-pences), or five hundred guineas English +money, and being informed that it was the latter, he gave his conical +hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted out of the box. + +But race hour approaches, and people begin to assemble in groups before +the "rooms," while tax-carts, pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual +aristocratical accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at intervals +into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a spring-cart, driven by a +ploughboy in fustian, there the Earl of---- on a ten-pound pony, with +the girths elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over its +head, while Miss----, his jockey's daughter, dashes by him in a phaeton +with a powdered footman, and the postilion in scarlet and leathers, with +a badge on his arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem Bland draws +the yellow phaeton and greys to the gateway of the "White Hart," to take +up his friend Crutch Robinson; Zac, Jack and another, have just driven +on in a fly. In short, it's a brilliant meeting! Besides four coronetted +carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons-and-pair; a +thing that would have been a phaeton if they'd have let it; General +Grosvenor's dog-carriage, that is to say, his carriage with a dog upon +it; Lady Chesterfield and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phaeton with an +out-rider (Miss---- will have one next meeting instead of the +powdered footman); Tattersall in his double carriage driving without +bearing-reins; Old Theobald in leather breeches and a buggy; five Bury +butchers in a tax-cart; Young Dutch Sam on a pony; "Short-odds Richards" +on a long-backed crocodile-looking rosinante; and no end of pedestrians. + +But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why eating brawn in the +"Rutland Arms" with his friend the Baron, perfectly unconscious that +all these passers-by were not the daily visables of the place. "Dash +my vig," said he, as he bolted another half of the round, "I see no +symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the honour to take another +glass of sherry." His lordship was nothing loath, so by mutual +entreaties they finished the bottle, besides a considerable quantity +of porter. A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk punch cart +mare--fresh from the plough--having been considerately provided by the +Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, with a cob for himself, they proceeded +to mount in the yard, when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that the +Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, seemed disconcerted, +but it was only momentary; for walking up to the punch mare, and resting +his elbow on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly +vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though proud of the +patronage of a lord, did not exactly comprehend whether he was in +earnest or not, but the Baron soon let him know; for thrusting his +conical hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks's waist, and +gave the old mare a touch in the flank with the Chinese boot, crying +out--"Along me, brave _garcon_, along _ma cher_," and the owner of the +mare living at Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that direction, +while the Yorkshireman slipped down the town unperceived. The sherry had +done its business on them both; the Baron, and who, perhaps was the most +"cut" of the two, chaunted the _Marsellaise_ hymn of liberty with +as much freedom as though he were sitting in the saddle. Thus they +proceeded laughing and singing until the Bury pay-gate arrested their +progress, when it occurred to the steersman to ask if they were going +right. "Be this the vay to Newmarket races?" inquired Jorrocks of the +pike-keeper. The man dived into the small pocket of his white apron for +a ticket and very coolly replied, "Shell out, old 'un." "How much?" said +Jorrocks. "Tuppence," which having got, he said, "Now, then, you may +turn, for the heath be over yonder," pointing back, "at least it was +there this morning, I know." After a volley of abuse for his impudence, +Mr. Jorrocks, with some difficulty got the old mare pulled round, for +she had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a plain snaffle in it; +at last, however, with the aid of a boy to beat her with a furze-bush, +they got her set a-going again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted +"down street," rose the hill, and entered the spacious wide-extending +flat of Newmarket Heath. The races were going forward on one of the +distant courses, and a slight, insignificant, black streak, swelling +into a sort of oblong (for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), +was all that denoted the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect of +the quiet extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified, having through life +pictured Epsom as a mere drop in the ocean compared with the countless +multitude of Newmarket, while the Baron, who was wholly indifferent to +the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks pitched over the mare's head by +applying the furze-bush (which he had got from the boy) to her tail +while Mr. Jorrocks was sitting loosely, contemplating the barrenness +of the prospect. The sherry was still alive, and being all for fun, he +shuffled back into the saddle as soon as the old mare gave over kicking; +and giving a loud tally-ho, with some minor "hunting noises," which were +responded to by the Baron in notes not capable of being set to music, +and aided by an equally indescribable accompaniment from the old mare at +every application of the bush, she went off at score over the springy +turf, and bore them triumphantly to the betting-post just as the ring +was in course of formation, a fact which she announced by a loud neigh +on viewing her companion of the plough, as well as by unpsetting some +half-dozen black-legs as she rushed through the crowd to greet her. +Great was the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing,--for though the +Newmarketites are familiar with most conveyances, from a pair of horses +down to a pair of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see two +men ride into the ring on the same horse,--certainly not with such a hat +between them as the Baron's. + +The gravest and weightiest matters will not long distract the attention +of a black-leg, and the laughter having subsided without Jorrocks or the +Baron being in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again +formed; horses' heads again turn towards the post, while carriages, +gigs, and carts form an outer circle. A solemn silence ensues. The legs +are scanning the list. At length one gives tongue. "What starts? Does +Lord Eldon start?" "No, he don't," replies the owner. "Does Trick, by +Catton?" "Yes, and Conolly rides--but mind, three pounds over." "Does +John Bull?" "No John's struck out." "Polly Hopkins does, so does +Talleyrand, also O, Fy! out of Penitence; Beagle and Paradox also--and +perhaps Pickpocket." + +Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the betting-books. The +legs and lords look at each other, but no one likes to lead off. At +length a voice is heard offering to take nine to one he names the +winner. "It's short odds, doing it cautiously. I'll take eight then," he +adds--"sivin!" but no one bites. "What will anyone lay about Trick, by +Catton?" inquires Jem Bland. "I'll lay three to two again him. I'll +take two to one--two ponies to one, and give you a suv. for laying it." +"Carn't" is the answer. "I'll do it, Jem," cries a voice. "No, you +won't," from Bland, not liking his customer. Now they are all at it, and +what a hubbub there is! "I'll back the field--I'll lay--I'll take--I'll +bet--ponies--fifties--hundreds--five hundred to two." "What do you +want, my lord?" "Three to one against Trick, by Catton." "Carn't afford +it--the odds really arn't that in the ring." "Take two--two hundred to +one." "No." "Crockford, you'll do it for me?" "Yes, my lord. Twice over +if you like. Done, done." "Do it again?" "No, thank you." + +"Trick, by Catton, don't start!" cries a voice. "Impossible!" exclaim +his backers. "Quite true, I'm just from the weighing-house, and----told +me so himself." "Shame! shame!" roar those who have backed him, and +"honour--rascals--rogues--thieves--robbery--swindle--turf-ruined"--fly +from tongue to tongue, but they are all speakers with never a speaker to +cry order. Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on their hacks with +the horses' cloths to the rubbing-house, and the horses have actually +started, and are now visible in the distance sweeping over the open +heath, apparently without guide or beacon. + +The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's box, and have just +time to range themselves along the rude stakes and ropes that guard the +run in, and the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony +to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable-lads to "clear the +course," before the horses come flying towards home. Now all is tremor; +hope and fear vacillating in each breast. Silence stands breathless with +expectation--all eyes are riveted--the horses come within descrying +distance--"beautiful!" three close together, two behind. "Clear the +course! clear the course! pray clear the course!" "Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" roar a hundred voices as they near. "O, Fy! O, Fy!" respond an +equal number. "The horse! the horse!" bellow a hundred more, as though +their yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy! and Talleyrand +rush neck-and-neck along the cords and pass the judge's box. A cry of +"dead heat!" is heard. The bystanders see as suits their books, and +immediately rush to the judge's box, betting, bellowing, roaring, +and yelling the whole way. "What's won? what's won? what's won?" is +vociferated from a hundred voices. "Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" replies Mr. Clark with judicial dignity. "By how much? by how +much?" "Half a head--half a head," [18] replies the same functionary. +"What's second?" "O, Fy!" and so, amid the song of "Pretty, pretty Polly +Hopkins," from the winners, and curses and execrations long, loud, and +deep, from the losers, the scene closes. + +The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-house, while the losing +horses are left in the care of their trainers and stable-boys, who +console themselves with hopes of "better luck next time." + +After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding is the wheeling of +the judge's box, and removal of the old stakes and ropes to another +course on a different part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few +ragged rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture they bear. In less +than half an hour the same group of anxious careworn countenances are +again turned upon each other at the betting-post, as though they had +never separated. But see! the noble owner of Trick, by Catton, is in the +crowd, and Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. "I say, Waggey," cries he +(singling out a friend stationed by his lordship), "had you ought on +Trick, by Catton?" "No, Jem," roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, "I knew +my man too well." "Why now, Waggey, do you know I wouldn't have done +such a thing for the world! no, not even to have been made a Markiss!" +a horse-laugh follows this denunciation, at which the newly created +marquis bites his livid lips. + +[Footnote 18: No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head; but we let +the whole passage stand as originally written.--EDITOR.] + +The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, still sticks to the +punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks steers to the newly formed ring aided by +the Baron and the furze-bush. Here they come upon Sam Spring, whose boy +has just brought his spring-cart to bear upon the ring formed by the +horsemen, and thinking it a pity a nobleman of any county should be +reduced to the necessity of riding double, very politely offers to +take one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and forthwith +proceeds to make himself quite at home in it. The chorus again +commences, and Jorrocks interrogates Sam as to the names of the +brawlers. "Who be that?" said he, "offering to bet a thousand to a +hundred." Spring, after eyeing him through his spectacles, with a +grin and a look of suspicion replies, "Come now--come--let's have no +nonsense--you know as well as I." "Really," replies Mr. Jorrocks most +earnestly, "I don't." "Why, where have you lived all your life?" +"First part of it with my grandmother at Lisson Grove, afterwards at +Camberwell, but now I resides in Great Coram Street, Russell Square--a +werry fashionable neighbourhood." "Oh, I see," replies Sam, "you are one +of the reg'lar city coves, then--now, what brings you here?" "Just to +say that I have been at Newmarket, for I'm blowed if ever you catch +me here again." "That's a pity," replied Sam, "for you look like a +promising man--a handsome-bodied chap in the face--don't you sport any?" +"O a vast!--'unt regularly--I'm a member of the Surrey 'unt--capital one +it is too--best in England by far." "What do you hunt?" inquired Sam. +"Foxes, to be sure." "And are they good eating?" "Come," replied +Jorrocks, "you know, as well as I do, we don't eat 'em." The dialogue +was interrupted by someone calling to Sam to know what he was backing. + +"The Bedlamite colt, my lord," with a forefinger to his hat. "Who's +that?" inquired Jorrocks. "That's my Lord L----, a baron-lord--and a +very nice one--best baron-lord I know--always bets with me--that's +another baron-lord next him, and the man next him is a baron-knight, a +stage below a baron-lord--something between a nobleman and a gentleman." +"And who be that stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and velvet +collar next him, just rubbing his chin with the race card--he'll be a +lord too, I suppose?" "No,--that's Mr. Gully, as honest a man as ever +came here,--that's Crockford before him. The man on the right is +Mr. C----, who they call the 'cracksman,' because formerly he was a +professional housebreaker, but he has given up that trade, and turned +gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. This little ugly black-faced +chap, that looks for all the world like a bilious Scotch terrier, +has lately come among us. He was a tramping pedlar--sold worsted +stockings--attended country courses, and occasionally bet a pair. Now he +bets thousands of pounds, and keeps racehorses. The chaps about him +all covered with chains and rings and brooches, were in the duffing +line--sold brimstoned sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls for real +Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. Now each has a first-rate +house, horses and carriages, and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, +with the extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cambridge. He'll +bet you a thousand pounds as soon as look at you." + +"The chap on the right of the post with the red tie, is the son of an +ostler. He commenced betting thousands with a farthing capital. The man +next him, all teeth and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an Honourable +by birth, but not very honourable in his nature." "But see," cried Mr. +Jorrocks, "Lord---- is talking to the Cracksman." "To be sure," replies +Sam, "that's the beauty of the turf. The lord and the leg are reduced to +an equality. Take my word for it, if you have a turn for good society, +you should come upon the turf.--I say, my Lord Duke!" with all five +fingers up to his hat, "I'll lay you three to two on the Bedlamite +colt." "Done, Mr. Spring," replies his Grace, "three ponies to two." +"There!" cried Mr. Spring, turning to Jorrocks, "didn't I tell you so?" +The riot around the post increases. It is near the moment of starting, +and the legs again become clamorous for what they want. Their vehemence +increases. Each man is _in extremis_. "They are off!" cries one. "No, +they are not," replies another. "False start," roars a third. "Now they +come!" "No, they don't!" "Back again." They are off at last, however, +and away they speed over the flat. The horses come within descrying +distance. It's a beautiful race--run at score the whole way, and only +two tailed off within the cords. Now they set to--whips and spurs go, +legs leap, lords shout, and amid the same scene of confusion, betting, +galloping, cursing, swearing, and bellowing, the horses rush past the +judge's box. + +But we have run our race, and will not fatigue our readers with +repetition. Let us, however, spend the evening, and then the "Day at +Newmarket" will be done. + +Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, persuades Mr. +Jorrocks to make one of a most agreeable dinner-party at the "White +Hart" on the assurance of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid +for sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six o'clock that +number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, the accomplished keeper of +an oyster-room and minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon to +take the chair, supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and on his left +by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames Street, while the stout, jolly, portly +Jerry Hawthorn fills--in the fullest sense of the word--the vice-chair. +Just as the waiters are removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, in his +conical hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, all politeness, invites +him to join the party. "I tank you," replies the Baron, "but I have my +wet in de next room." "But bring your wet with you," rejoins Sam, "we'll +all have our wet together after dinner," thinking the Baron meant his +wine. + +The usual inn grace--"For what we are going to receive, the host expects +to be paid",--having been said with great feeling and earnestness, they +all set to at the victuals, and little conversation passed until the +removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon his vice, observed +that as in all probability there were gentlemen of different political +and other opinions present, perhaps the best way would be to give a +comprehensive toast, and so get over any debatable ground,--he therefore +proposed to drink in a bumper "The king, the queen, and all the royal +family, the ministry, particularly the Master of the Horse, the Army, +the Navy, the Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner they +had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord of the White Hart" +(great applause). Song from Jerry Hawthorn--"The King of the Cannibal +Islands".--The chairman then called upon the company to fill their +glasses to a toast upon which there could be no difference of opinion. +"It was a sport which they all enjoyed, one that was delightful to the +old and to the young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. +Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, he had never yet met +any man with the hardihood to deny that racing was at once the noblest +and the most legitimate" (loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that +set all the glasses dancing), "not only was it the noblest and most +legitimate, but it was the most profitable; and where was the man of +high and honourable principle who did not feel when breathing the pure +atmosphere of that Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought, that +though he might have left those who were near and dear to him in a less +genial atmosphere, still he was not selfishly enjoying himself, without +a thought for their welfare; for racing, while it brought health and +vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to the mind of a +parent--the means of promoting the happiness and prosperity of his +family--(immense cheers). With these few observations he should simply +propose 'The Turf,' and may we long be above it"--(applause and, on the +motion of Mr. Spring, three cheers for Mrs. Badchild and all the little +Badchildren were called for and given). When the noise had subsided. Mr. +Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid whispers and inquiries as to who +he was. "Gentlemen," said he, with an indignant stare, and a thump on +the table, "Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen from our worthy +chairman, I go-in-sides, save in what he says about racing--I insists +that 'unting is the sport of sports" (immense laughter, and cries of +"wot an old fool!") "Gentlemen may laugh, but I say it's a fact, and +though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancy whatsomever, yet I +should despise myself most confoundedly--should consider myself unworthy +of the great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour to +belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for the chase +(laughter).--I say, it's one of the balances of the constitution +(laughter).--I say, it's the sport of kings! the image of war without +its guilt (hisses and immense laughter). He would fearlessly propose a +bumper toast--he would give them 'fox-hunting.'" There was some demur +about drinking it, but on the interposition of Sam Spring, who assured +the company that Jorrocks was one of the right sort, and with an +addition proposed by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the toast more +comprehensible, they swallowed it, and the chairman followed it up +with "The Sod",--which was drunk with great applause. Mr. Cox of Blue +Hammerton returned thanks. "He considered cock-fighting the finest of +all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the rush between two prime +grey-hackles--that was his colour. The chairman had said a vast for +racing, and to cut the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting +combined all the advantages of making money, with the additional benefit +of not being interfered with by the weather. He begged to return his +best thanks for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he had not +been taught speaking in his youth, or he would certainly have convinced +them all, that 'cocking' was the sport." "Coursing" was the next +toast--for which Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. "He was very +fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought, after racing, coursing was the +true thing. He was no orator, and so he drank off his wine to the health +of the company." "Steeplechasing" followed, for which Mr. Coalman of +St. Albans returned thanks, assuring the company that it answered his +purpose remarkably well. Then the Vice gave the "Chair," and the Chair +gave the "Vice"; and by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the +game of "Chicken-hazard," observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, that +perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock purse for the +purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, +replied; "Sir, I'm d----d if I do." + + + +VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY + +Mr. Jorrocks had been very poorly indeed of indigestion, as he calls +it, produced by tucking in too much roast beef and plum pudding at +Christmas, and prolonging the period of his festivities a little beyond +the season allowed by Moore's _Almanack_, and having in vain applied the +usual remedies prescribed on such occasions, he at length consented to +try the Cheltenham waters, though altogether opposed to the element, he +not having "astonished his stomach," as he says, for the last fifteen +years with a glass of water. + +Having established himself and the Yorkshireman in a small private +lodging in High Street, consisting of two bedrooms and a sitting-room, +he commenced his visits to the royal spa, and after a few good drenches, +picked up so rapidly, that to whatever inn they went to dine, the +landlords and waiters were astounded at the consumption of prog, and in +a very short time he was known from the "Royal Hotel" down to Hurlston's +Commercial Inn, as the great London Cormorant. At first, however, he was +extremely depressed in spirits, and did nothing the whole day after his +arrival, but talk about the arrangement of his temporal affairs; and the +first symptom he gave of returning health was one day at dinner at the +"Plough," by astonishing two or three scarlet-coated swells, who as +usual were disporting themselves in the coffee-room, by bellowing to the +waiter for some Talli-ho "sarce" to his fish. Before this he had never +once spoken of his favourite diversion, and the sportsmen cantered by +the window to cover in the morning, and back in the afternoon, without +eliciting a single observation from him. The morning after this change +for the better, he addressed his companion at breakfast as follows: +"Blow me tight, Mr. York, if I arn't regularly renowated. I'm as fresh +as an old hat after a shower of rain. I really thinks I shall get over +this terrible illness, for I dreamt of 'unting last night, and, if +you've a mind, we'll go and see my Lord Segrave's reynard dog, and then +start from this 'ere corrupt place, for, you see, it's nothing but a +town, and what's the use of sticking oneself in a little pokey lodging +like this 'ere, where there really is not room to swing a cat, and +paying the deuce knows how much tin, too, when one has a splendid house +in Great Coram Street going on all the time, with a rigler establishment +of servants and all that sort of thing. Now, you knows, I doesn't grudge +a wisit to Margate, though that's a town too, but then, you see, one has +the sea to look at, whereas here, it's nothing but a long street with +shops, not so good as those in Red Lion Street, with a few small streets +branching off from it, and as to the prommenard, as they calls it, aside +the spa, with its trees and garden stuff, why, I'm sure, to my mind, the +Clarence Gardens up by the Regent's Park, are quite as fine. It's true +the doctor says I must remain another fortnight to perfect the cure, but +then them 'ere M.D.'s, or whatever you calls them, are such rum jockeys, +and I always thinks they say one word for the patient and two for +themselves. Now, my chap said, I must only take half a bottle o' black +strap a day at the werry most, whereas I have never had less than a +whole one--his half first, as I say, and my own after--and because I +tells him I take a pint, he flatters himself his treatment is capital, +and that he is a wonderful M.D.; but as a man can't be better than well, +I think we'll just see what there's to be seen in the neighbourhood, and +then cut our sticks, and, as I said before, I should like werry much to +see my Lord Segrave's hounds, in order that I may judge whether there +is anything in the wide world to be compared to the Surrey, for if I +remember right, Mr. Nimrod described them as werry, werry fine, indeed." + +Having formed this resolution, Jorrocks stamped on the floor (for the +bell was broken) for the little boy who did the odd jobs of the house, +to bring up his Hessian boots, into which having thrust his great +calves, and replaced the old brown great-coat which he uses for a +dressing-gown by a superfine Saxony blue, with metal buttons and pockets +outside, he pulled his wig straight, stuck his white hat with the green +flaps knowingly on his head, and sallied forth for execution as stout a +man as ever. Knowing that the kennel is near the Winchcourt road, they +proceeded in that direction, but after walking about a mile, came upon +a groom on a chestnut horse, who, returning from the chase, was wetting +his whistle at the appropriate sign of the "Fox and Hounds," and who +informed them that they had passed the turning for the kennel, but that +the hounds were out, and then in a wood which he pointed out on the +hillside about two miles off, into which they had just brought their +fox. Looking in that direction, they presently saw the summit of one of +the highest of the range of hills that encircle the town of Cheltenham, +covered with horsemen and pedestrians, who kept moving backwards and +forwards on the "mountain's brow," looking in the distance more like a +flock of sheep than anything else. Jorrocks, being all right again and +up to anything, proposed a start to the wood, and though he thought they +should hardly reach it before the hounds either killed their fox or he +broke away again, they agreed to take the chance, and away they went, +"best leg first" as the saying is. The cover (Queen Wood by name, and, +as Jorrocks found out from somebody, the property of Lord Ellenborough) +being much larger than it at first appeared and the fox but a bad one, +they were in lots of time, and having toiled to the top of the wood, +Jorrocks swaggered in among the horsemen with all the importance of an +alderman. For full an hour after they got there the hounds kept running +in cover, the fox being repeatedly viewed and the pack continually +pressing him. Once or twice he came out, but after skirting the cover's +edge a few yards turned in again. Indeed, there were two foxes on foot, +one being a three-legged one, and it was extraordinary how he went and +stood before hounds, going apparently very cautiously and stopping every +now and then to listen. At last a thundering old grey-backed fellow went +away before the whole field, making for the steep declivities that +lead into the downs, and though the brow of the hill was covered with +foot-people who holloa'd and shouted enough to turn a lion, he would +make his point, and only altering his course so as to avoid running +right among the mob, he gained the summit of the hill and disappeared. +This hill, being uncommonly steep, was a breather for hounds that had +been running so long as they had, in a thick cover too, and neither they +nor the horses went at it with any great dash. The fox was not a fellow +to be caught very easily, and nothing but a good start could have given +them any chance, but the hounds never got well settled to the scent, and +after a fruitless cast his lordship gave it up, and Jorrocks and Co. +trudged back to Cheltenham, J---- highly delighted at so favourable an +opportunity of seeing the hounds. Indeed, so pleased was he with the +turn-out and the whole thing, that finding from Skinner, one of +the whippers-in, that they met on the following morning at Purge +Down-turnpike, in their best country, forgetting all about his +indigestion and the royal spa, he went to Newman and Longridge, the +horse dealers and livery stable keepers and engaged a couple of nags "to +look at the hounds upon," as he impressed upon their minds, which he +ordered to be ready at nine o'clock. + +This day he proposed to give the landlord of the "George Inn," in the +High Street, the benefit of his rapacious appetite, and about five +o'clock (his latest London hour) they sat down to dinner. The "George" +is neither exactly a swell house like the "Royal Hotel" or the "Plough," +nor yet a commercial one, but something betwixt and between. The +coffee-room is very small, consequently all the frequenters are drawn +together, and if a conversation is started a man must be deuced +unsociable that does not join in the cry. + +As three or four were sitting round the fire chatting over their tipple, +and Jorrocks was telling some of his best bouncers, the door opened +and a waiter bowed a fresh animal into the cage, who, after eyeing the +party, took off his hat and forthwith proceeded to pull off divers +neckcloths, cloaks, great-coats, muffitees, until he reduced himself to +about half the size he was on entering. He was a little square-built +old man, with white hair and plenty of it, a long stupid red face with +little pig eyes, a very long awkward body, and very short legs. He +was dressed in a blue coat, buff waistcoat, a sort of baggy grey or +thunder-and-lightning trousers, over which he had buttoned a pair of +long black gaiters. Having "peeled," he rubbed his hands and blew upon +them, as much as to say, "Now, gentlemen, won't you let me have a smell +of the fire?" and, accordingly, by a sort of military revolution, they +made a place for him right in the centre. + +"Coldish night I reckon, sir," said Jorrocks, looking him over. + +"Very cold indeed, very cold indeed," answered he, rubbing his elbows +against his ribs, and stamping with his feet. "I've just got off the top +of the Liverpool coach, and, I can assure you, it's very cold riding +outside a coach all day long--however, I always say that it's better +than being inside, though, indeed, it's very little that I trouble +coaches at all in the course of the year--generally travel in my own +carriage, only my family have it with them in Bristol now, where +I'm going to join them; but I'm well used to the elements, hunting, +shooting, and fishing, as I do constantly." + +This later announcement made Jorrocks rouse up, and finding himself +in the company of a sportsman and one, too, who travelled in his +own carriage, he assumed a different tone and commenced on a fresh +tack--"and pray, may I make bold to inquire what country you hunts in, +sir?" said he. + +"Oh! I live in Cheshire--Mainwaring's country, but Melton's the place I +chiefly hunt at,--know all the fellows there; rare set of dogs, to be +sure,--only country worth hunting in, to my mind." + +_Jorrocks_. Rigler swells, though, the chaps, arn't they? Recollect +one swell of a fellow coming with his upper lip all over fur into our +country, thinking to astonish our weak minds, but I reckon we told him +out. + +_Stranger_. What! you hunt, do you? + +_Jorrocks_. A few--you've perhaps heard tell of the Surrey 'unt? + +_Stranger_. Cocktail affair, isn't it? + +_Jorrocks_. No such thing, I assure you. Cocktail indeed! I likes that. + +_Stranger_. Well, but it's not what we calls a fast-coach. + +_Jorrocks_. I doesn't know wot you calls a fast-coach, but if you've a +mind to make a match, I'll bet you a hat, ay, or half a dozen hats, that +I'll find a fellow to take the conceit out o' any your Meltonians. + +_Stranger_. Oh! I don't doubt but you have some good men among you; I'm +sure I didn't mean anything offensive, by asking if it was a cocktail +affair, but we Meltonians certainly have a trick, I must confess, of +running every other country down; come, sir, I'll drink the Surrey hunt +with all my heart, said he, swigging off the remains of a glass of +brandy-and-water which the waiter had brought him shortly after +entering. + +_Jorrocks_. Thank you, sir, kindly. Waiter, bring me a bottom o' brandy, +cold, without--and don't stint for quantity, if you please. Doesn't you +think these inns werry expensive places, sir? I doesn't mean this in +particular, but inns in general. + +_Stranger_. Oh! I don't know, sir. We must expect to pay. "Live and let +live," is my motto. I always pay my inn bills without looking them over. +Just cast my eyes at the bottom to see the amount, then call for pen and +ink, add so much for waiter, so much for chambermaid, so much for boots, +and if I'm travelling in my own carriage so much for the ostler for +greasing. That's the way I do business, sir. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, sir, a werry pleasant plan too, especially for the +innkeeper--and all werry right for a gentleman of fortune like you. My +motto, however, is "Waste not, want not," and my wife's father's motto +was "Wilful waste brings woeful want," and I likes to have my money's +worth.--Now, said he, pulling out a handful of bills, at some places +that I go to they charges me six shillings a day for my dinner, and when +I was ill and couldn't digest nothing but the lightest and plainest of +breakfasts, when a fork breakfast in fact would have made a stiff 'un of +me, and my muffin mill was almost stopped, they charged me two shillings +for one cake, and sixpence for two eggs.--Now I'm in the tea trade +myself, you must know, and I contend that as things go, or at least as +things went before the Barbarian eye, as they call Napier, kicked up a +row with the Hong merchants, it's altogether a shameful imposition, and +I wonder people put up with it. + +_Stranger_. Oh, sir, I don't know. I think that it is the charge all +over the country. Besides, it doesn't do to look too closely at these +things, and you must allow something for keeping up the coffee-room, you +know--fire, candles, and so on. + +_Jorrocks_. But blow me tight, you surely don't want a candle to +breakfast by? However, I contends that innkeepers are great fools for +making these sort of charges, for it makes people get out of their +houses as quick as ever they can, whereas they might be inclined to stay +if they could get things moderate.--For my part I likes a coffee-room, +but having been used to commercial houses when I travelled, I knows what +the charges ought to be. Now, this room is snug enough though small, and +won't require no great keeping up. + +_Stranger_. No--but this room is smaller than the generality of them, +you know. They frequently have two fires in them, besides no end of oil +burning.--I know the expense of these things, for I have a very large +house in the country, and rely upon it, innkeepers have not such immense +profits as many people imagines--but, as I said before, "live and let +live." + +_Jorrocks_. So says I, "live and let live"--but wot I complains of is, +that some innkeepers charge so much that they won't let people live. +No man is fonder of eating than myself, but I don't like to pay by the +mouthful, or yet to drink tea at so much a thimbleful. By the way, Sar, +if you are not previously engaged, I should be werry happy to supply you +with red Mocho or best Twankay at a very reasonable figure indeed for +cash? + +_Stranger._ Thank you, sir, thank you. Those are things I never +interfere with--leave all these things to my people. My housekeeper +sends me in her book every quarter day, with an account of what she +pays. I just look at the amount--add so much for wages, and write a +cheque--"live and let live!" say I. However, added he, pulling out his +watch, and ringing the bell for the chambermaid, "I hate to get up very +early, so I think it is time to go to bed, and I wish you a very good +night, gentlemen all." + +Jorrocks gets up, advances half-way to the door, makes him one of his +most obsequious bows, and wishes him a werry good night. Having heard +him tramp upstairs and safely deposited in his bedroom, they pulled +their chairs together again, and making a smaller circle round the fire, +proceeded to canvass their departed friend. Jorrocks began--"I say, wot +a regular swell the chap is--a Meltonian, too.--I wonders who the deuce +he is. Wish Mr. Nimrod was among us, he could tell us all about him, I +dare say. I'm blowed if I didn't take him for a commercial gentleman at +first, until he spoke about his carriages. I likes to see gentlemen +of fortune making themselves sociable by coming into the coffee-room, +instead of sticking themselves up in private sitting-rooms, as if nobody +was good enough for them. You know Melton, Mr. York; did you ever see +the gentleman out?" + +"I can't say that I ever did," said his friend, "but people look so +different in their red coats to what they do in mufti, that there's no +such thing as recognising them unless you had a previous acquaintance +with them. The fields in Leicestershire are sometimes so large that it +requires a residence to get anything like a general knowledge of the +hunt, and, you know, Northamptonshire's the country for my money, after +Surrey, of course." + +"I don't think he is a gentleman," observed a thin sallow-complexioned +young man, who, sitting on one side of the fire, had watched the +stranger very narrowly without joining in the conversation. "He gives me +more the idea of a gentleman's servant, acting the part of master, than +anything else." + +_Jorrocks._ Oh! he is a gentleman, I'm sure--besides, a servant wouldn't +travel in a carriage you know, and he talked about greasing the wheels +and all that sort of thing, which showed he was familiar with the thing. + +"That's very true," replied the youth--"but a servant may travel in the +rumble and pay for greasing the wheels all the same, or perhaps have to +grease them himself." + +"Well, I should say he's a foolish purse-proud sort of fellow," observed +another, "who has come into money unexpectedly, and who likes to be the +cock of his party, and show off a little." + +_Jorrocks._ I'll be bound to say you're all wrong--you are not +fox-hunters, you see, or you would know that that is a way the sportsmen +have--we always make ourselves at home and agreeable--have a word for +everybody in fact, and no reserve; besides, you see, there was nothing +gammonacious, as I calls it, about his toggery, no round-cut coats with +sporting buttons, or coaches and four, or foxes for pins in his shirt. + +"I don't care for that," replied the sallow youth, "dress him as you +will, court suit, bag wig, and sword, you'll make nothing better of +him--he's a SNOB." + +Jorrocks, getting up, runs to the table on which the hats were standing, +saying, "I wonder if he's left his castor behind him? I've always found +a man's hat will tell a good deal. This is yours, Mr. York, with the +loop to it, and here's mine--I always writes Golgotha in mine, which +being interpreted, you know, means the place of a skull. These are +yours, I presume, gentlemen?" said he, taking up two others. "Confound +him, he's taken his tile with him--however, I'm quite positive he's a +gentleman--lay you a hat apiece all round he is, if you like!" + +"But how are we to prove it?" inquired the youth. + +_Jorrocks._ Call in the waiter. + +_Youth._ He may know nothing about him, and a waiter's gentleman is +always the man who pays him most. + +_Jorrocks._ Trust the waiter for knowing something about him, and if he +doesn't, why, it's only to send a purlite message upstairs, saying that +two gentlemen in the coffee-room have bet a trifle that he is some +nobleman--Lord Maryborough, for instance,--he's a little chap--but we +must make haste, or the gentleman will be asleep. + +"Well, then, I'll take your bet of a hat," replied the youth, "that he +is not what I call a gentleman." + +_Jorrocks._ I don't know what you calls a gentleman. I'll lay you a hat, +a guinea one, either white or black, whichever you like, but none o' +your dog hairs or gossamers, mind--that he's a man of dibs, and doesn't +follow no trade or calling, and if that isn't a gentleman, I don't know +wot is. What say you, Mr. York? + +"Suppose we put it thus--You bet this gentleman a hat that he's a +Meltonian, which will comprise all the rest." + +_Jorrocks._ Werry well put. Do you take me, sir? A guinea hat against a +guinea hat. + +"I do," said the youth. + +_Jorrocks._ Then DONE--now ring the bell for the waiter--I'll pump him. + +_Enter waiter._ + +_Jorrocks._ Snuff them candles, if you please, and bring me another +bottom o' brandy-cold, without--and, waiter! here, pray who is that +gentleman that came in by the Liverpool coach to-night? The little +gentleman in long black gaiters who sat in this chair, you know, and had +some brandy-and-water. + +_Waiter._ I know who you mean, sir, quite well, the gentleman who's gone +to bed. Let me see, what's his name? He keeps that large Hotel in---- +Street, Liverpool--what's the--Here an immense burst of laughter drowned +the remainder of the sentence. + +Jorrocks rose in a rage. "No! you double-distilled blockhead," said he, +"no such thing--you're thinking of someone else. The gentleman hunts at +Melton Mowbray, and travels in his own carriage." + +_Waiter_. I don't know nothing about Melton Mowbray, sir, but the last +time he came through here on his road to Bristol, he was in one of his +own rattle-trap yellows, and had such a load--his wife, a nurse, and +eight children inside; himself, his son, and an apple-tree on the +dickey--that the horses knocked up half-way and... + +_Jorrocks_. Say no more--say no more--d----n his teeth and +toe-nails--and that's swearing--a thing I never do but on the most +outrageous occasions. Confounded humbug, I'll be upsides with him, +however. Waiter, bring the bill and no more brandy. Never was so done in +all my life--a gammonacious fellow! "There, sir, there's your one pound +one," said he, handing a sovereign and a shilling to the winner of the +hat. "Give me my tile, and let's mizzle.--Waiter, I can't wait; must +bring the bill up to my lodgings in the morning if it isn't ready.--Come +away, come away--I shall never get over this as long as ever I live. +'Live and let live,' indeed! no wonder he stuck up for the innkeepers--a +publican and a sinner as he is. Good night, gentlemen, good night." + +_Exit Jorrocks_. + + + +VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE + +The shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, and footmen in red +plush breeches objects of real commiseration, when Mr. Jorrocks, +tired of the heat and "ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved upon +undertaking an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is "his custom +always in the afternoon," in the arbour at the farther end of his gravel +walk, which he dignifies by the name of "garden," and had just finished +a rough mental calculation, as to whether he could eat more bread spread +with jam or honey, when the idea of the jaunt entered his imagination. +Being a man of great decision, he speedily winnowed the project over +in his mind, and producing a five-pound note from the fob of his small +clothes, passed it in review between his fingers, rubbed out the +creases, held it up to the light, refolded and restored it to his fob. +"Batsay," cried he, "bring my castor--the white one as hangs next the +blue cloak;" and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, white hat +was transferred from the peg to Mr. Jorrocks's head. This done, he +proceeded to the "Piazza," where he found the Yorkshireman exercising +himself up and down the spacious coffee-room, and, grasping his hand +with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith began unburthening himself of +the object of his mission. "'Ow are you?" said he, shaking his arm like +the handle of a pump. "'Ow are you, I say?--I'm so delighted to see you, +ye carn't think--isn't this charming weather! It makes me feel like a +butterfly--really think the 'air is sprouting under my vig." Here he +took off his wig and rubbed his hand over his bald head, as though he +were feeling for the shoots. + +"Now to business--Mrs. J---- is away at Tooting, as you perhaps knows, +and I'm all alone in Great Coram Street, with the key of the cellar, +larder, and all that sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be +off on a jaunt--what say you?" "Not the slightest objection," replied +the Yorkshireman, "on the old principle of you finding cash, and me +finding company." "Why, now I'll tell you, werry honestly, that I should +greatly prefer your paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a mind +to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a five-pound note and +whatever silver I have in my pocket," pulling out a great handful as he +spoke, and counting up thirty-two and sixpence. "Very good," replied +the Yorkshireman when he had finished, "I'm your man;--and not to be +behindhand in point of liberality, I've got threepence that I received +in change at the cigar divan just now, which I will add to the common +stock, so that we shall have six pounds twelve and ninepence between +us." "Between us!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, "now that's so like a +Yorkshireman. I declare you Northerns seem to think all the world are +asleep except yourselves;--howsomever, I von't quarrel with you--you're +a goodish sort of chap in your way, and so long as I keep the swag, +we carn't get far wrong. Well, then, to-morrow at two we'll start for +Margate--the most delightful place in all the world, where we will have +a rare jollification, and can stay just as long as the money holds +out. So now good-bye--I'm off home again to see about wittles for the +woyage." + +It were almost superfluous to mention that the following day was a +Saturday--for no discreet citizen would think of leaving town on any +other. It dawned with uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram Street +and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn with more than their wonted +energy. Never, save on a hunting morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about +in bed with such restless anxiety as cock after cock took up the crow +in every gradation of noise from the shrill note of the free +street-scouring chanticleer before the door, to the faint response of +the cooped and prisoned victims of the neighbouring poulterer's, their +efforts being aided by the flutterings and impertinent chirruping of +swarms of town-bred sparrows. + +At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's door, and, +depositing his can of shaving-water on his dressing-table, took away his +coat and waistcoat, under pretence of brushing them, but in reality to +feel if he had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr. Jorrocks +threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded upon the floor with a bump that +shook his own and adjoining houses. On this day a few extra minutes were +devoted to his toilet, one or two of which were expended in adjusting a +gold foxhead pin in a conspicuous part of his white tie, and in drawing +on a pair of new dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, made so excessively +tight, that at starting, any of his Newmarket friends would have laid +three to two against his ever getting into them at all. When on, +however, they fully developed the substantial proportions of his +well-rounded limbs, while his large tasselled Hessians showed that the +bootmaker had been instructed to make a pair for a "great calf." A +blue coat, with metal buttons, ample laps, and pockets outside, with a +handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, formed his costume on this occasion. +Breakfast being over, he repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to see his +letters and look after his commercial affairs; in which the reader not +being interested, we will allow the Yorkshireman to figure a little. + +About half-past one this enterprising young man placed himself in Tommy +Sly's wherry at the foot of the Savoy stairs, and not agreeing in +opinion with Mr. Jorrocks that it is of "no use keeping a dog and +barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row himself down to +London Bridge. At the wharf below the bridge there lay a magnificent +steamer, painted pea-green and white, with flags flying from her masts, +and the deck swarming with smart bonnets and bodices. Her name was the +_Royal Adelaide_, from which the sagacious reader will infer that this +excursion was made during the late reign. The Yorkshireman and Tommy +Sly having wormed their way among the boats, were at length brought up +within one of the vessels, and after lying on their oars a few seconds, +they were attracted by, "Now, sir, are you going to sleep there?" +addressed to a rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and on +looking up on deck what a sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's astonished +vision!--Mr. Jorrocks, with his coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or +turban, with a broad gold band and tassel, on his head, hoisting a +great hamper out of the wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, +and treating the laughter and jeers of the porters and bystanders with +ineffable contempt. At length he placed the load to his liking, and +putting on his coat, adjusted his hunting telescope, and advanced to the +side, as the Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder and came upon deck. +"Werry near being over late," said he, pulling out his watch, just at +which moment the last bell rang, and a few strokes of the paddles sent +the vessel away from the quay. "A miss is as good as a mile," replied +the Yorkshireman; "but pray what have you got in the hamper?" + +"In the 'amper! Why, wittles to be sure. You seem to forget we are going +a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, +half a ham, beef, sarsingers, chickens, sherry white, and all that sort +of thing, and werry acceptable they'll be by the time we get to the +Nore, or may be before." + +"Ease her! Stop her!" cried the captain through his trumpet, just as +the vessel was getting into her stride in mid-stream, and, with true +curiosity, the passengers flocked to the side, to see who was coming, +though they could not possibly have examined half they had on board. +Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behindhand in inquisitiveness, and +proceeded to adjust his telescope. A wherry was seen rowing among the +craft, containing the boatman, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, +with a bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. "By jingo, +here's Jemmy Green!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, taking his telescope from +his eye, and giving his thigh a hearty slap. "How unkimmon lucky! The +werry man of all others I should most like to see. You know James Green, +don't you?" addressing the Yorkshireman--"young James Green, junior, +of Tooley Street--everybody knows him--most agreeable young man in +Christendom--fine warbler--beautiful dancer--everything that a young man +should be." + +"How are you James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing him by the hand as his +friend stepped upon deck; but whether it was the nervousness occasioned +by the rocking of the wherry, or the shaking of the step-ladder up the +side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's new turban cap, but Mr. Green, +with an old-maidish reserve, drew back from the proffered embrace of his +friend. "You have the adwantage of me, sir," said he, fidgeting back +as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks with unmeasured surprise--"Yet +stay--if I'm not deceived it's Mr. Jorrocks--so it is!" and thereupon +they joined hands most cordially, amid exclamations of, "'Ow are you, +J----?" '"Ow are you, G----?" "'Ow are you, J----?" "So glad to see you, +J----" "So glad to see you, G----" "So glad to see you, J----" "And pray +what may you have in your basket?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting his +hand to the bottom of a neat little green-and-white willow woman's +basket, apparently for the purpose of ascertaining its weight. "Only my +clothes, and a little prowision for the woyage. A baked pigeon, some +cold maccaroni, and a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom are my +Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor in t'other; then comes +the prog, and at the top, I've a dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. +I abominates travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the use of +carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers always prowide them, without +extra charge? The same with regard to soap. Shave, I say, with what you +find in your tray. A wet towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a +pen-knife both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll present +your friend to me," added he in the same breath, with a glance at the +Yorkshireman, upon whose arm Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope +hand. "Much pleasure," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity. +"Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Stubbs: now +pray shake hands," added he, "for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each +other"; and thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronising manner, extended +his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman, who presented him with one in +return. For the information of such of our readers as may never have +seen Mr. James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley Street, Southwark, +where the patronymic name abounds, or at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he +generally exhibits on a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that though a +little man in stature, he is a great man in mind and a great swell in +costume. On the present occasion, as already stated, he had on a woolly +white hat, his usual pea-green coat, with a fine, false, four-frilled +front to his shirt, embroidered, plaited, and puckered, like a lady's +habit-shirt. Down the front were three or four different sorts of studs, +and a butterfly brooch, made of various coloured glasses, sat in +the centre. His cravat was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, +confining gills sharp and pointed that looked up his nostrils; his +double-breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan with blue glass +post-boy buttons; and his trousers, which were very wide and cut out +over the foot of rusty-black chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a +broad blue stripe upon a white ground. A curly, bushy, sandy-coloured +wig protruded from the sides of his woolly white hat, and shaded a +vacant countenance, which formed the frontispiece of a great chuckle +head. Sky-blue gloves and a stout cane, with large tassels, completed +the rigging of this borough dandy. Altogether he was as fine as any +peacock, and as vain as the proudest. + +"And 'ow is Mrs. J----?" inquired Green with the utmost affability--"I +hopes she's uncommon well--pray, is she of your party?" looking round. +"Why, no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "she's off at Tooting at her mother's, +and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five-pound at Margate this +delightful weather. 'Ow long do you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday +morning--I goes every Saturday; in fact," added he in an undertone, +"I've a season ticket, so I may just as well use it, as stay poking in +Tooley Street with the old folks, who really are so uncommon glumpy, +that it's quite refreshing to get away from them." + +"That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of his benevolent looks. +"But 'ow comes it, James, you are not married? You are not a bouy now, +and should be looking out for a home of your own." "True, my dear +J----, true," replied Mr. Green; "and I'll tell you wot, our principal +book-keeper and I have made many calculations on the subject, and being +a man of literature like yourself, he gave it as his opinion the last +time we talked the matter over, that it would only be avoiding Silly and +running into Crab-beds; which I presume means Quod or the Bench. Unless +he can have a wife 'made to order,' he says he'll never wed. Besides, +the women are such a bothersome encroaching set. I declare I'm so +pestered with them that I don't know vich vay to turn. They are always +tormenting of me. Only last week one sent me a specification of what +she'd marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to more than I +have to find myself in clothes, ball-and concert-tickets, keep an 'oss, +go to theatres, buy lozenges, letter-paper, and everything else with. +There were bumbazeens, and challies, and merinos, and crape, and gauze, +and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, shoes, boots, rigids, stays, +ringlets; and, would you believe it, she had the unspeakable audacity to +include a bustle! It was the most monstrous specification and proposal +I ever read, and I returned it by the twopenny post, axing her if she +hadn't forgotten to include a set of false teeth. Still, I confess, I'm +tired of Tooley Street. I feel that I have a soul above hemp, and was +intended for a brighter sphere; but vot can one do, cooped up at home +without men of henergy for companions? No prospect of improvement +either; for I left our old gentleman alarmingly well just now, pulling +about the flax and tow, as though his dinner depended upon his +exertions. I think if the women would let me alone, I might have some +chance, but it worries a man of sensibility and refinement to have them +always tormenting of one.--I've no objection to be led, but, dash my +buttons, I von't be driven." "Certainly not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with +great gravity, jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. "It's an old +saying, James, and times proves it true, that you may take an 'oss to +the water but you carn't make him drink--and talking of 'osses, pray, +how are you off in that line?" "Oh, werry well--uncommon, I may say--a +thoroughbred, bang tail down to the hocks, by Phantom, out of Baron +Munchausen's dam--gave a hatful of money for him at Tatts'.--five +fives--a deal of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I assure +you--bright bay with four black legs, and never a white hair upon him. +He's touched in the vind, but that's nothing--I'm not a fox-hunter, you +know, Mr. Jorrocks; besides, I find the music he makes werry useful in +the streets, as a warning to the old happle women to get out of the way. +Pray, sir," turning to the Yorkshireman with a jerk, "do you dance?"--as +the boat band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long horn, and +a short horn, struck up a quadrille,--and, without waiting for a reply, +our hero sidled past, and glided among the crowd that covered the deck. + +"A fine young man, James," observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing Jemmy as he +elbowed his way down the boat--"fine young man--wants a little of his +father's ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young shoulders. +He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr. Jorrocks, putting his arm through +the Yorkshireman's, "let's go and see him foot it." Having worked their +way down, they at length got near the dancers, and mounting a ballast +box had a fine view of the quadrille. There were eight or ten couple at +work, and Jemmy had chosen a fat, dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright +orange-coloured muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, and +green boots--a sort of walking sunflower, with whom he was pointing his +toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting with great energy and agility. +His male _vis-a-vis_ was a waistcoatless young Daniel Lambert, in white +ducks, and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his mouth, who with a +damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and fro in humble imitation. "Green +for ever!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving +it encouragingly over his head: "Green for ever! Go it Green!" and, +accordingly, Green went it with redoubled vigour. "Wiggins for ever!" +responded a female voice opposite, "I say, Wiggins!" which was followed +by a loud clapping of hands, as the fat gentleman made an astonishing +step. Each had his admiring applauders, though Wiggins "had the call" +among the ladies--the opposition voice that put him in nomination +proceeding from the mother of his partner, who, like her daughter, was a +sort of walking pattern book. The spirit of emulation lasted throughout +the quadrille, after which, sunflower in hand, Green traversed the deck +to receive the compliments of the company. + +"You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks, with great politeness +to the lady, "after all your exertions," as the latter stood mopping +herself with a coarse linen handkerchief--"pray, James, bring your +partner to our 'amper, and let me offer her some refreshment," which was +one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, the sea breeze having +made Mr. Jorrocks what he called "unkimmon peckish." The hamper was +speedily opened, the knuckle of veal, the half ham, the aitch bone of +beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury Lane), the chickens, and +some dozen or two of plovers' eggs were exhibited, while Green, with +disinterested generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold maccaroni to +the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily commenced, and was kept +up, with occasional interruptions by Green running away to dance, until +they hove in sight of Herne Bay, which caused an interruption to a +very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks was in the act of +delivering, which went to prove that port and sherry were the parents of +all wines, port the father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas, +hock, Burgundy, claret, Teneriffe, Madeira, were made by the addition +of water, vinegar, and a few chemical ingredients, and that of all +"humbugs," pale sherry was the greatest, being neither more nor less +than brown sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to work to pack up the +leavings in the hamper, observing as he proceeded, that wilful waste +brought woeful want, and that "waste not, want not," had ever been the +motto of the Jorrocks family. + +It was nearly eight o'clock ere the _Royal Adelaide_ touched the point +of the far-famed Margate Jetty, a fact that was announced as well by the +usual bump, and scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band +striking up _God save the King_, and the mate demanding the tickets of +the passengers. The sun had just dropped beneath the horizon, and the +gas-lights of the town had been considerately lighted to show him to +bed, for the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light. + +Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having arrived before, the whole +place was in commotion, and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious +to watch this last disembarkation as they had been to see the first. By +a salutary regulation of the sages who watch over the interests of the +town, "all manner of persons," are prohibited from walking upon the +jetty during this ceremony, but the platform of which it is composed +being very low, those who stand on the beach outside the rails, are just +about on a right level to shoot their impudence cleverly into the ears +of the new-comers who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, +laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of wit and satire +upon them as they pass. "There's leetle Jemmy Green again!" exclaimed a +nursery-maid with two fat, ruddy children in her arms, "he's a beauty +without paint!" "Hallo, Jorrocks, my hearty! lend us your hand," cried a +brother member of the Surrey Hunt. Then there was a pointing of fingers +and cries of "That's Jorrocks! that's Green!" "That's Green! that's +Jorrocks!" and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of "There's +Simpkins! how pretty he is!" "But there's Wiggins, who's much nicer." +"My eye, what a cauliflower hat Mrs. Thompson's got!" "What a buck young +Snooks is!" "What gummy legs that girl in green has!" "Miss Trotter's +bustle's on crooked!" from the young ladies at Miss Trimmer's seminary +who were drawn up to show the numerical strength of the academy, and act +the part of walking advertisements. These observations were speedily +drowned by the lusty lungs of a flyman bellowing out, as Green passed, +"Hallo! my young brockley-sprout, are you here again?--now then for +the tizzy you owe me,--I have been waiting here for it ever since last +Monday morning." This salute produced an irate look and a shake of his +cane from Green, with a mutter of something about "imperance," and a +wish that he had his big fighting foreman there to thrash him. When they +got to the gate at the end, the tide of fashion became obstructed by the +kissings of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and sons, the +officiousness of porters, the cries of flymen, the importunities of +innkeepers, the cards of bathing-women, the salutations of donkey +drivers, the programmes of librarians, and the rush and push of the +inquisitive; and the waters of "comers" and "stayers" mingled in one +common flood of indescribable confusion. + +Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his way with persevering +resignation, here found himself so beset with friends all anxious to +wring his digits, that, fearful of losing either his bed or his +friends, he besought Green to step on to the "White Hart" and see about +accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his fingers through the bushy +sides of his yellow wig, jerked up his gills, and with a _neglige_ air +strutted up to that inn, which, as all frequenters of Margate know, +stands near the landing-place, and commands a fine view of the harbour. +Mr. Creed, the landlord, was airing himself at the door, or, as +Shakespeare has it, "taking his ease at his inn," and knowing Green of +old to be a most unprofitable customer, he did not trouble to move +his position farther than just to draw up one leg so as not wholly to +obstruct the passage, and looked at him as much as to say "I prefer your +room to your company." "Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating +Green's question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling up his +gills--"that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks has come down with myself and +a friend, and we want accommodation." "Mr. Jorrocks, indeed!" replied +Mr. Creed, altering his tone and manner; "I'm sure I shall be delighted +to receive Mr. Jorrocks--he's one of the oldest customers I have--and +one of the best--none of your 'glass of water and toothpick' +gentleman--real downright, black-strap man, likes it hot and strong from +the wood--always pays like a gentleman--never fights about three-pences, +like some people I know," looking at Jemmy. "Pray, what rooms may you +require?" "Vy, there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. Jorrocks's other +friend--three in all, and we shall want three good, hairy bedrooms." +"Well, I don't know," replied Mr. Creed, laughing, "about their +hairiness, but I can rub them with bear's grease for you." Jemmy pulled +up his gills and was about to reply, when Mr. Jorrocks's appearance +interrupted the dialogue. Mr. Creed advanced to receive him, blowing up +his porters for not having been down to carry up the hamper, which he +took himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protestations of his +delight at seeing his worthy visitor. + +Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those that were there, +those that were not, and those that were coming, and adverted to the +important topic of supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white +spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian boots, while Mr. +Creed, with his own hands, rubbed him over with a long billiard-table +brush. Green, too, put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, +and these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied forth +arm-in-arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. It was a fine, balmy +summer evening, the beetles and moths still buzzed and flickered in +the air, and the sea rippled against the shingly shore, with a low +indistinct murmur that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of men. The +shades of night were drawing on--a slight mist hung about the hills, and +a silvery moon shed a broad brilliant ray upon the quivering waters "of +the dark blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse of the +troubled town. How strange that man should leave the quiet scenes of +nature, to mix in myriads of those they profess to quit cities to avoid! +One turn to the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew back the +party like moths to the streets, which were literally swarming with +the population. "Cheapside, at three o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. +Jorrocks observed, was never fuller than Margate streets that evening. +All was lighted up--all brilliant and all gay--care seemed banished +from every countenance, and pretty faces and smart gowns reigned in its +stead. Mr. Jorrocks met with friends and acquaintances at every turn, +most of whom asked "when he came?" and "when he was going away?" Having +perambulated the streets, the sound of music attracted Jemmy Green's +attention, and our party turned into a long, crowded and brilliantly +lighted bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel-organ at the far end +faded away, and a young woman in a hat and feathers, with a swan's-down +muff and tippet, was handed by a very smart young man in dirty white +Berlin gloves, and an equally soiled white waistcoat, into a sort of +orchestra above where, after the plaudits of the company had subsided, +she struck-up: + + "If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go." + +At the conclusion of the song, and before the company had time to +disperse, the same smart young gentleman,--having rehanded the young +lady from the orchestra and pocketed his gloves,--ran his fingers +through his hair, and announced from that eminence, that the spirited +proprietors of the Bazaar were then going to offer for public +competition in the enterprising shape of a raffle, in tickets, at one +shilling each, a most magnificently genteel, rosewood, general perfume +box fitted up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, adorned with +cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, massive, silver name-plate +at the top, with a best patent Bramah lock and six chaste and +beautifully rich cut-glass bottles, and a plate-glass mirror at the +top--a box so splendidly perfect, so beautifully unique, as alike +to defy the powers of praise and the critiques of the envious; and +thereupon he produced a flashy sort of thing that might be worth three +and sixpence, for which he modestly required ten subscribers, at a +shilling each, adding, "that even with that number the proprietors would +incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but a boundless sense of +gratitude for favours past could possibly recompense them." The youth's +eloquence and the glitter of the box reflecting, as it did at every +turn, the gas-lights both in its steel and glass, had the desired +effect--shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, until +only three remained. "Four, five, and ten, are the only numbers now +remaining," observed the youth, running his eye up the list and wetting +his pencil in his mouth. "Four, five and ten! ten, four, five! five, +four, ten! are the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel and +magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red velvet, cut-steel +clasps, a silver plate for the name, best patent Bramah lock, and six +beautiful rich cut-glass bottles, with a plate glass mirror in the +lid--and only four, five, and ten now vacant!" "I'll take ten," said +Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you, sir--only four and five now +wanting, ladies and gentlemen--pray, be in time--pray, be in time! This +is without exception the most brilliant prize ever offered for public +competition. There were only two of these werry elegant boxes made,--the +unfortunate mechanic who executed them being carried off by that +terrible malady, the cholera morbus,--and the other is now in the +possession of his most Christian Majesty the King of the French. Only +four and five wanting to commence throwing for this really perfect +specimen of human ingenuity--only four and five!" "I'll take them," +cried Green, throwing down two shillings more--and then the table was +cleared--the dice box produced, and the crowd drew round. "Number +one!--who holds number one?" inquired the keeper, arranging the paper, +and sucking the end of his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket +and white trousers owned the lot, and, accordingly, led off the game. +The lottery-keeper handed the box, and put in the dice--rattle, rattle, +rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up--"seven and four are +eleven"--"now again, if you please, sir," putting the dice into the +box--rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and +lift up--a loud laugh--"one and two make three"--the youth bit his +lips;--rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop--a +pause--and lift up--"threes!"--"six, three, and eleven, are twenty." +"Now who holds number two?--what lady or gentleman holds number two? +Pray, step forward!" The Sunflower drew near--Green looked confused--she +fixed her eye upon him, half in fear, half in entreaty--would he offer +to throw for her? No, by Jove, Green was not so green as all that came +to, and he let her shake herself. She threw twenty-two, thereby putting +an extinguisher on the boy, and raising Jemmy's chance considerably. +"Three" was held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would +throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough to be heard at +Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and, beginning to cry immediately, was +taken home. Green was next, and all eyes turned upon him, for he was a +noted hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, and, turning +back the wrists of his coat, exhibited his beautiful sparkling paste +shirt buttons, and the elegant turn of his taper hand, the middle finger +of which was covered with massive rings. He took the box in a _neglige_ +manner, and without condescending to shake it, slid the dice out upon +the table by a gentle sideway motion--"sixes!" cried all, and down the +marker put twelve. At the second throw, he adopted another mode. As soon +as the dice were in, he just chucked them up in the air like as many +halfpence, and down they came five and six--"eleven," said the marker. +With a look of triumph Green held the box for the third time, which he +just turned upside down, and lo, on uncovering, there stood two--"ones!" +A loud laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm so glad!" +whispered a young lady, who had made an unsuccessful "set" at Jemmy the +previous season, in a tone loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll +lose," rejoined a female friend, rather louder. "That Jemmy Green is my +absolute abhorrence," observed a third. "'Orrible man, with his nasty +vig," observed the mamma of the first speaker--"shouldn't have my darter +not at no price." Green, however, headed the poll, having beat the +Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. For number five, he threw +twenty-five, and was immediately outstripped, amid much laughter and +clapping of hands from the ladies, by number six, who in his turn fell +a prey to number seven. Between eight and nine there was a very +interesting contest who should be lowest, and hopes and fears were at +their altitude, when Jemmy Green again turned back his coat-wrist to +throw for number ten. His confidence had forsaken him a little, as +indicated by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but he managed to +conceal it from all except the ladies, who kept too scrutinising an +eye upon him. His first throw brought sixes, which raised his spirits +amazingly; but on their appearance a second time, he could scarcely +contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits of his friend Mr. +Jorrocks. Then came the deciding throw--every eye was fixed on Jemmy, he +shook the box, turned it down, and lo! there came seven. + +"Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this magnificent prize!" +exclaimed the youth, holding up the box in mid-air, and thereupon all +the ladies crowded round Green, some to congratulate him, others to +compliment him on his looks, while one or two of the least knowing tried +to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, however, was too old a stager, and +pocketed the box and other compliments at the same time. + +Another grind of the organ, and another song followed from the same +young lady, during which operation Green sent for the manager, and, +after a little beating about the bush, proposed singing a song or +two, if he would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three +shilling-tickets for each song, and finally closed for five tickets +for two songs, on the understanding that he was to be announced as a +distinguished amateur, who had come forward by most particular desire. + +Accordingly the manager--a roundabout, red-faced, consequential little +cockney--mounted the rostrum, and begged to announce to the company +that that "celebrated wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known as a +distinguished amateur and conwivialist, both at Bagnigge Wells, and Vite +Conduit House, LONDON, had werry kindly consented, in order to promote +the hilarity of the evening, to favour the company with a song +immediately after the drawing of the next lottery," and after a few +high-flown compliments, which elicited a laugh from those who were up +to Jemmy's mode of doing business, he concluded by offering a +_papier-mache_ tea-caddy for public competition, in shilling lots as +before. + +As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the organ a grind, and Jemmy +popped up with a hop, step, and a jump, with his woolly white hat under +his arm, and presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the company. +After a few preparatory "hems and haws," he pulled up his gills and +spoke as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen! hem"--another pull at his +gills--"ladies and gentlemen--my walued friend, Mr. Kitey Graves, has +announced that I will entertain the company with a song; though nothing, +I assure you--hem--could be farther from my idea--hem--when my excellent +friend asked me,"--"Hookey Walker!" exclaimed someone who had heard +Jemmy declare the same thing half a dozen times--"and, indeed, ladies +and gentlemen--hem--nothing but the werry great regard I have for Mr. +Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since he was the height of +sixpennorth of coppers" a loud laugh followed this allusion, seeing that +eighteenpenny-worth would almost measure out the speaker. On giving +another "hem," and again pulling up his gills, an old Kentish farmer, in +a brown coat and mahogany-coloured tops, holloaed out, "I say, sir! I'm +afear'd you'll be catching cold!" "I 'opes not," replied Jemmy in a +fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella, and my werry best coat on!" +"No! raining, no!" replied the farmer, "only you've pulled at your shirt +so long that I think you must be bare behind! Haw! haw! haw!" at which +all the males roared with laughter, and the females hid their faces in +their handkerchiefs, and tittered and giggled, and tried to be shocked. +"ORDER! ORDER!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud and sonorous voice, which +had the effect of quelling the riot and drawing all eyes upon himself. +"Ladies and gentlemen," said he, taking off his cap with great gravity, +and extending his right arm, + + Immodest words admit of no defence, + For want of decency is want of sense; + +a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have the immediate +effect of restoring order and making the farmer look foolish. Encouraged +by the voice of his great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his +speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the surprise by which +he had been taken by the request of his friend, Kitey Graves, and an +exhortation for the company to make allowance for any deficiency of +"woice," inasmuch as how as labouring under "a wiolent 'orseness," for +which he had long been taking pectoral lozenges. He then gave his gills +another pull, felt if they were even, and struck up: + + "Bid me discourse," + +in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock would be perfect +melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken a conspicuous position, applauded +long, loudly, and warmly, at every pause--approbation the more deserved +and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy gentleman suffers considerably +from music, and only knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "is _God +save the King_, and the other isn't." + +Having seen his protege fairly under way, Mr. Jorrocks gave him a hint +that he would return to the "White Hart," and have supper ready by the +time he was done; accordingly the Yorkshireman and he withdrew along an +avenue politely formed by the separation of the company, who applauded +as they passed. + +An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest draft port, with +the orthodox proportion of lemon, cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had +almost boiled itself to perfection under the skilful superintendence of +Mr. Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been handsomely +decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled bones, fried ham, poached +eggs, when just as the clock had finished striking eleven, the +coffee-room door opened with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green with his +hands crammed full of packages, and his trousers' pockets sticking out +like a Dutch burgomaster's. "Vell, I've done 'em brown to-night, I +think," said he, depositing his hat and half a dozen packages on the +sideboard, and running his fingers through his curls to make them stand +up. "I've won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn when I came away, +because it did not seem likely to fill. Let me see," said he, emptying +his pockets,--"there is the beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you +was there; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I von also; the +third was a jockey-vip, which I did not want and only stood one ticket +for and lost; the fourth was this elegant box, with a view of Margate on +the lid; then came these six sherry labels with silver rims; a snuff-box +with an inwisible mouse; a coral rattle with silver bells; a silk +yard measure in a walnut-shell; a couple of West India beetles; a +humming-bird in a glass case, which I lost; and then these dozen bodkins +with silver eyes--so that altogether I have made a pretty good night's +work of it. Kitey Graves wasn't in great force, so after I had sung _Bid +me Discourse_, and _I'd be a Butterfly_, I cut my stick and went to the +hopposition shop, where they used me much more genteelly; giving me +three tickets for a song, and introducing me in more flattering terms to +the company--don't like being considered one of the nasty 'reglars,' and +they should make a point of explaining that one isn't. Besides, what +business had Kitey to say anything about Bagnigge Vells? a hass!--Now, +perhaps, you'll favour me with some supper." + +"Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy approvingly on the +head--"you deserve some. It's only no song, no supper, and you've +been singing like a nightingale;" thereupon they set to with vigorous +determination. + +A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early hour was crowded with +men in dressing-gowns of every shape, hue, and material, with buff +slippers--the "regulation Margate shoeing," both for men and women. As +the hour of eleven approached, and the church bells began to ring, the +town seemed to awaken suddenly from a trance, and bonnets the most +superb, and dresses the most extravagant, poured forth from lodgings +the most miserable. Having shaved and dressed himself with more than +ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks walked his friends off to +church, assuring them that no one need hope to prosper throughout the +week who did not attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own devotion +throughout the service by drowning the clerk's voice with his responses. +After this spiritual ablution Mr. Jorrocks bethought himself of having a +bodily one in the sea; and the day being excessively hot, and the tide +about the proper mark, he pocketed a couple of towels out of his bedroom +and went away to bathe, leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to amuse +themselves at the "White Hart." + +This house, as we have already stated, faces the harbour, and is a +corner one, running a considerable way up the next street, with a side +door communicating, as well as the front one, with the coffee-room. +This room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inasmuch as the +windows range the whole length of the room, and being very low they +afford every facility for the children and passers-by to inspect the +interior. Whether this is done to show the Turkey carpet, the pea-green +cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, the gay trellised +geranium-papered room, or the aristocratic visitors who frequent it, is +immaterial--the description is as accurate as if George Robins had drawn +it himself. In this room then, as the Yorkshireman and Green were lying +dozing on three chairs apiece, each having fallen asleep to avoid the +trouble of talking to the other, they were suddenly roused by loud yells +and hootings at the side door, and the bursting into the coffee-room of +what at first brush they thought must be a bull. The Yorkshireman jumped +up, rubbed his eyes, and lo! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, puffing like +a stranded grampus, with a bunch of sea-weed under his arm and the +dress in which he had started, with the exception of the dark blue +stocking-net pantaloons, the place of which were supplied by a flowing +white linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four corners of which +were knotted a few small pebbles--producing, with the Hessian boots and +one thing and another, the most laughable figure imaginable. The blood +of the Jorrockses was up, however, and throwing his hands in the air, he +thus delivered himself. "Oh gentlemen! gentlemen!--here's a lamentable +occurrence--a terrible disaster--oh dear! oh dear!--I never thought I +should come to this. You know, James Green," appealing to Jemmy, "that +I never was the man to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty; I have +always said that 'want of decency is want of sense,' and see how I +am rewarded! Oh dear! oh dear! that I should ever have trusted my +pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, which was the work of a +moment, was going forward, the mob, which had been shut out at the side +door on Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room window, +and were all wedging their faces in to have a sight of him. It was +principally composed of children, who kept up the most discordant yells, +mingled with shouts of "there's old cutty shirt!"--"who's got your +breeches, old cock?"--"make a scramble!"--"turn him out for another +hunt!"--"turn him again!"--until, fearing for the respectability of his +house, the landlord persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to +state his grievances. It then appeared that having travelled along the +coast, as far as the first preventive stationhouse on the Ramsgate side +of Margate, the grocer had thought it a convenient place for performing +his intended ablutions, and, accordingly, proceeded to do what all +people of either sex agree upon in such cases--namely to divest himself +of his garments; but before he completed the ceremony, observing some +females on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man "to raise +a blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced to the water's edge in his +aforesaid unmentionables, and forgetting that it was not yet high tide, +he left them there, when they were speedily covered, and the pockets +being full of silver and copper, of course they were "swamped." After +dabbling about in the water and amusing himself with picking up sea-weed +for about ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on returning to the +spot where he thought he had left his stocking-net pantaloons, to find +that they had disappeared; and after a long fruitless search, the +unfortunate gentleman was compelled to abandon the pursuit, and render +himself an object of chase to all the little boys and girls who chose to +follow him into Margate on his return without them. + +Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about his loss, and could +not get over it--it stuck in his gizzard, he said--and there it seemed +likely to remain. In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers--he +never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan of a pair of white +cords and top-boots, or even drab shorts and continuations. Mr. Creed +was no sportsman, and did not keep any. The bellman could not cry the +lost unmentionables because it was Sunday, and even if they should be +found on the ebbing of the tide, they would take no end of time to dry. +Mr. Jorrocks declared his pleasure at an end, and forthwith began making +inquiries as to the best mode of getting home. The coaches were all +gone, steamboats there were none, save for every place but London, and +posting, he said, was "cruelly expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, +"Boots," who is always the most intelligent man about an inn, popped in +his curly head, and informed Mr. Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most +commodious vessel, neat, trim, and water-tight, manned by his own +maternal uncle, was going to cut away to London at three o'clock, and +would land him before he could say "Jack Robinson." Mr. Jorrocks jumped +at the offer, and forthwith attiring himself in a pair of Mr. Creed's +loose inexpressibles, over which he drew his Hessian boots, he tucked +the hamper containing the knuckle of veal and other etceteras under one +arm, and the bunch of sea-weed he had been busy collecting, instead of +watching his clothes, under the other, and, followed by his friends, +made direct for the vessel. + +Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy is--it is a large +sailing-boat, sometimes with one deck, sometimes with none; and the +Unity, trading in bulky goods, was of the latter description, though +there was a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the master dignified +by the name of a "state cabin," into which he purposed putting Mr. +Jorrocks, if the weather should turn cold before they arrived. The wind, +however, he said, was so favourable, and his cargo--"timber and fruit," +as he described it, that is to say, broomsticks and potatoes--so light, +that he warranted landing him at Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, +where he could either sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to +Leadenhall Street. The vessel looked anything but tempting, neither was +the captain's appearance prepossessing, still Mr. Jorrocks, all things +considered, thought he would chance it; and depositing his hamper and +sea-weed, and giving special instructions about having his pantaloons +cried in the morning--recounting that besides the silver, and +eighteen-pence in copper, there was a steel pencil-case with "J.J." +on the seal at the top, an anonymous letter, and two keys--he took an +affectionate leave of his friends, and stepped on board, the vessel was +shoved off and stood out to sea. + +Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts betimes, to take +their farewell splash and dive in the sea. As the day advanced, the +bustle and confusion on the shore and in the town increased, and +everyone seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits to the +bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted the last ounce of +exertion from the exhausted leg-weary donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of +the creation strutted about, some in dressing-gowns, others, "full +puff," with bags and boxes under their arms--while sturdy porters were +wheeling barrows full of luggage to the jetty. The bell-man went round +dressed in a blue and red cloak, with a gold hatband. Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong, went the bell, and the gaping cockneys +congregated around. He commenced--"To be sould in the market-place a +quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The _Royal +Adelaide_, fast and splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave +the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers +at London Bridge Steam-packet Wharf--fore cabin fares and children four +shillings--saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The +superb and splendid steam-packet, the _Magnet_, will leave the pier this +morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers at the St. +Catherine Docks--fore-cabin fares and children four shillings--saloon +five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost at the back of +James Street--a lady's black silk--black lace wale--whoever has found +the same, and will bring it to the cryer, shall receive one shilling +reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost, last night, between the +jetty and the York Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot, +whoever has found the same, and will bring him to the cryer, shall +receive a reward of half-a-crown." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: +"Lost, stolen, or strayed, or otherwise conveyed, a brown-and-white King +Charles's setter as answers to the name of Jacob Jones. Whoever has +found the same, or will give such information as shall lead to the +detection and conversion of the offender or offenders shall be +handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost below the +prewentive sarvice station by a gentleman of great respectability--a +pair of blue knit pantaloons, containing eighteen penny-worth of +copper--a steel pencil-case--a werry anonymous letter, and two keys. +Whoever will bring the same to the cryer shall receive a reward.--_God +save the King!"_ + +Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a concourse appeared! There +were fat and lean, and short and tall, and middling, going away, and fat +and lean, and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them off; +Green, as usual, making himself conspicuous, and canvassing everyone he +could lay hold of for the _Magnet_ steamer. At the end of the jetty, on +each side, lay the _Royal Adelaide_ and the _Magnet_, with as fierce a +contest for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both decks were crowded +with anxious faces--for the Monday's steamboat race is as great an event +as a Derby, and a cockney would as lieve lay on an outside horse as +patronise a boat that was likely to let another pass her. Nay, so +high is the enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly made on the +occasion, and there is as much clamour for bets as in the ring at +Epsom or Newmarket. "Tomkins, I'll lay you a dinner--for three--_Royal +Adelaide_ against the _Magnet_," bawled Jenkins from the former boat. +"Done," cries Tomkins. "The _Magnet_ for a bottle of port," bawled out +another. "A whitebait dinner for two, the _Magnet_ reaches Greenwich +first." "What should you know about the _Magnet_?" inquires the mate +of the _Royal Adelaide_. "Vy, I think I should know something about +nauticals too, for Lord St. Wincent was my godfather." "I'll bet five +shillings on the _Royal Adelaide."_ "I'll take you," says another. "I'll +bet a bottom of brandy on the _Magnet_," roars out the mate. "Two goes +of Hollands', the _Magnet's_ off Herne Bay before the _Royal Adelaide."_ +"I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five shillings, the _Magnet_ +beats the _Royal Adelaide_," bellowed out Green, who having come on +board, had mounted the paddle-box. "I say, Green, I'll lay you an even +five if you like." "Well, five pounds," cries Green. "No, shillings," +says his friend. "Never bet in shillings," replies Green, pulling up his +shirt collar. "I'll bet fifty pounds," he adds,-getting valiant. "I'll +bet a hundred ponds--a thousand pounds--a million pounds--half the +National Debt, if you like." + +Precisely as the jetty clock finishes striking nine, the ropes are +slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to sea with beautiful +precision, amid the crying, the kissing of hands, the raising of hats, +the waving of handkerchiefs, from those who are left for the week, while +the passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the respective bands on +board. The _Magnet_, having the outside, gets the breeze first hand, but +the _Royal Adelaide_ keeps well alongside, and both firemen being deeply +interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous gallop, without +either being able to claim the slightest advantage for upwards of an +hour and a half, when the _Royal Adelaide_ manages to shoot ahead for +a few minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. The +_Magnet's_ fireman, however, is on the alert, and a few extra pokes of +the fire presently bring the boats together again, in which state they +continue, nose and nose, until the stiller water of the side of the +Thames favours the _Magnet_, and she shoots ahead amid the cheers and +vociferations of her party, and is not neared again during the voyage. + +This excitement over, the respective crews sink into a sort of +melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain endeavours to kick up a +quadrille. The men were exhausted and the women dispirited, and +altogether they were a very different set of beings to what they were +on the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white ducks were the order of the +day. + +The only incident of the voyage was, that on approaching the mouth +of the Medway, the _Royal Adelaide_ was hailed by a vessel, and the +Yorkshireman, on looking overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. Jorrocks +sitting in the stern of his hoy in the identical position he had taken +up the previous day, with his bunch of sea-weed under his elbow, and the +remains of the knuckle of veal, ham, and chicken, spread on the hamper +before him. "Stop her?" cried the Yorkshireman, and then hailing Mr. +Jorrocks he holloaed out, "In the name of the prophet, Figs, what are +you doing there?" "Oh, gentlemen! gentlemen!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, +brightening up as he recognised the boat, "take compassion on a most +misfortunate indiwidual--here have I been in this 'orrid 'oy, ever since +three o'clock yesterday afternoon and here I seem likely to end my +days--for blow me tight if I couldn't swim as fast as it goes." "Look +sharp, then," cried the mate of the steamer, "and chuck us up your +luggage." Up went the sea-weed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks; and before +the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into which he had composed himself on +resigning the rudder to his lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a +mile before his vessel, bilking him of his fare. + +Who does not recognise in this last disaster, the truth of the old +adage? + + "Most haste, least speed." + + + +VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH. + +"Jorrocks's France, in three wolumes, would sound werry well," observed +our worthy citizen, one afternoon, to his confidential companion the +Yorkshireman, as they sat in the veranda in Coram Street, eating red +currants and sipping cold whiskey punch; "and I thinks I could make +something of it. They tells me that at the 'west end' the booksellers +will give forty pounds for anything that will run into three wolumes, +and one might soon pick up as much matter as would stretch into that +quantity." + +The above observation was introduced in a long conversation between Mr. +Jorrocks and his friend, relative to an indignity that had been offered +him by the rejection by the editor of a sporting periodical of a long +treatise on eels, which, independently of the singularity of diction, +had become so attenuated in the handling, as to have every appearance of +filling three whole numbers of the work; and Mr. Jorrocks had determined +to avenge the insult by turning author on his own account. The +Yorkshireman, ever ready for amusement, cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks +in his views, and a bargain was soon struck between them, the main +stipulations of which were, that Mr. Jorrocks should find cash, and the +Yorkshireman should procure information. + +Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock Dover heavy drew up +at the "Bricklayers' Arms," with Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the +Yorkshireman imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly--soldiers, +sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, and footmen--that compose +the cargo of these coaches. Here they were assailed with the usual +persecution from the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred +merchants, proclaiming the virtues of their wares; one with black-lead +pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation to "cut 'em and try 'em"; +another with a good pocket-knife, "twelve blades and saw, sir"; a third, +with a tame squirrel and a piping bullfinch, that could whistle _God +save the King_ and the _White Cockade_--to be given for an old coat. +"Buy a silver guard-chain for your vatch, sir!" cried a dark eyed +urchin, mounting the fore-wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. +Jorrocks's face; "buy pocket-book, memorandum-book!" whined another. +"Keepsake--Forget-me-not--all the last year's annuals at half-price!" +"Sponge cheap, sponge! take a piece, sir--take a piece." "Patent leather +straps." "Barcelona nuts. Slippers. _Morning Hurl (Herald)._ Rhubarb. +'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap!--do to fasten your wife up with!" + +"Stand clear, ye warmints!" cries the coachman, elbowing his way among +them--and, remounting the box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. +Jorrocks's hands, cries "All right behind? sit tight!" and off they go. + +The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light and gay. The coach, +though slow, was clean and smart, the harness bright and well-polished, +while the sleek brown horses poked their heads about at ease, without +the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, like his vehicle, was +heavy, and had he been set on all fours, a party of six might have eat +off his back. Thus they proceeded at a good steady substantial sort of +pace; trotting on level ground, walking up hills, and dragging down +inclines. Nor among the whole party was there a murmur of discontent at +the pace. Most of the passengers seemed careless which way they went, so +long as they did but move, and they rolled through the Garden of England +with the most stoical indifference. We know not whether it has ever +struck the reader, but the travellers by Dover coaches are less captious +about pace than those on most others. + +And now let us fancy our friends up, and down, Shooter's Hill, through +Dartford, Northfleet, and Gravesend--at which latter place, the first +foreign symptom appears, in words, "Poste aux Chevaux," on the door-post +of the inn; and let us imagine them bowling down Rochester Hill at a +somewhat amended pace, with the old castle, by the river Medway, the +towns of Chatham, Strood and Rochester full before them, and the finely +wooded country extending round in pleasing variety of hill and dale. +As they reach the foot of the hill, the guard commences a solo on his +bugle, to give notice to the innkeeper to have the coach dinner on the +table. All huddled together, inside and out, long passengers and short +ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along the narrow street, +sparking the mud from the newly-watered streets on the shop windows and +passengers on each side, and pull up at the "Pig and Crossbow," with a +jerk and a dash as though they had been travelling at the rate of +twelve miles an hour. Two other coaches are "dining," while some few +passengers, whose "hour is not yet come," sit patiently on the roof, or +pace up and down the street with short and hurried turns, anxious to see +the horses brought out that are to forward them on their journey. And +what a commotion this new arrival creates! From the arched doorway of +the inn issue two chamber-maids, one in curls the other in a cap; Boots, +with both curls and a cap, and a ladder in his hand; a knock-kneed +waiter, with a dirty duster, to count noses, while the neat landlady, +in a spruce black silk gown and clean white apron, stands smirking, +smiling, and rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling the passengers +into the house, where she will turn them over to the waiters to take +their chance the instant she gets them in. About the door the usual +idlers are assembled.--A coachman out of place, a beggar out at the +elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three recruits with ribbons in their +hats; a captain with his boots cut for corns, the coachman that is to +drive to Dover, a youth in a straw hat and a rowing shirt, the little +inquisitive old man of the place--who sees all the midday coaches change +horses, speculates on the passengers and sees who the parcels are +for--and, though last but not least, Mr. Bangup, the "varmint" man, the +height of whose ambition is to be taken for a coachman. As the coach +pulled up, he was in the bar taking a glass of cold sherry "without" +and a cigar, which latter he brings out lighted in his mouth, with his +shaved white hat stuck knowingly on one side, and the thumbs of his +brown hands thrust into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, throwing back +his single breasted fancy buttoned green coat, and showing a cream +coloured cravat, fastened with a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with a +buff waistcoat and tight drab trousers buttoning over the boot, complete +his "toggery," as he would call it. His whiskers are large and riotous +in the extreme, while his hair is clipped as close as a charity +schoolboy's. The coachman and he are on the best of terms, as the +outward twist of their elbows and jerks of the head on meeting testify. +His conversation is short and slangy, accompanied with the correct nasal +twang. After standing and blowing a few puffs, during which time the +passengers have all alighted, and the coachman has got through the thick +of his business, he takes the cigar out of his mouth, and, spitting on +the flags, addresses his friend with, "Y've got the old near-side leader +back from Joe, I see." "Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his friend, "but +I had some work first--our gov'rnor was all for the change--at last, +says I to our 'osskeeper, says I, it arn't no use your harnessing that +'ere roan for me any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not to +no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out of my team not by +none on them, therefore it arn't to never no use harnessing of him again +for me." "So you did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup. "Lord bless ye, yes! it +warn't to no use aggravising about it, for says I, I von't stand it, so +it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of him again for me." "Come, +Smith, what are you chaffing there about?" inquires the landlord, coming +out with the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, "have you two insides?" +"No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's precious empty, haw! haw! haw!" +"Well, but now get Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry +the passengers away from my grub, and may be I'll give you your dinner +for your trouble," replies the landlord, reckoning he would save both +his meat and his horses by the experiment. "Ay, there goes the dinner!" +added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was heard inside the "Pig and +Crossbow," giving a most tremendous roar for his food.--"Pork at the +top, and pork at the bottom," the host observes to the waiter in +passing, "and mind, put the joints before the women--they are slow +carvers." + +While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our travellers had been +driven through the passage into a little, dark, dingy room at the back +of the house, with a dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a +whitewashed blank wall. The table, which was covered with a thrice-used +cloth, was set out with lumps of bread, knives, and two and three +pronged forks laid alternately. Altogether it was anything but inviting, +but coach passengers are very complacent; and on the Dover road it +matters little if they are not. The bustle of preparation was soon over. +Coats No. 1, No. 2, and No. 3, are taken off in succession, for some +people wear top-coats to keep out the "heat"; chins are released from +their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and fur caps thrust +into pockets of the owners. Inside passengers eye outside ones with +suspicion, while a deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the +coach, meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven years, +and can only shake hands and grin to the movements of the lips of the +speaker. "You find it very warm inside, I should think, sir?" "Thank +ye, thank ye, my good friend; I'm rayther deaf, but I presume you're +inquiring after my wife and daughters--they are very well, I thank ye." +"Where will you sit at dinner?" rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a +more successful hit. "It is two years since I saw him." "No; where +will you sit, sir? I said." "Oh, John? I beg your pardon--I'm rayther +deaf--he's in Jamaica with his regiment." "Come, waiter, BRING DINNER!" +roared Mr. Jorrocks, at the top of his voice, being the identical shout +that was heard outside, and presently the two dishes of pork, a couple +of ducks, and a lump of half-raw, sadly mangled, cold roast beef, with +waxy potatoes and overgrown cabbages, were scattered along the table. +"What a beastly dinner!" exclaims an inside dandy, in a sable-collared +frock-coat--"the whole place reeks with onions and vulgarity. Waiter, +bring me a silver fork!" "Allow me to duck you, ma'am?" inquires an +outside passenger, in a facetious tone, of a female in a green silk +cloak, as he turns the duck over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, but I've +some pork coming." "Will you take some of this thingumbob?" turning a +questionable-looking pig's countenance over in its pewter bed. "You are +in considerable danger, my friend--you are in considerable danger," +drawls forth the superfine insider to an outsider opposite. "How's +that?" inquires the former in alarm. "Why, you are eating with your +knife, and you are in considerable danger of cutting your mouth".--What +is the matter at the far end of the table?--a lady in russet brown, with +a black velvet bonnet and a feather, in convulsions. "She's choking by +Jove! hit her on the back--gently, gently--she's swallowed a fish-bone." +"I'll lay five to two she dies," cries Mr. Bolus, the sporting doctor of +Sittingbourne. She coughs--up comes a couple of tooth-picks, she having +drunk off a green glass of them in mistake. + +"Now hark'e, waiter! there's the guard blowing his horn, and we have +scarcely had a bite apiece," cries Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary +sounded his instrument most energetically in the passage; "blow me +tight, if I stir before the full half-hour's up, so he may blow till +he's black in the face." "Take some cheese, sir?" inquires the waiter. +"No, surely not, some more pork, and then some tarts". "Sorry, sir, +we have no tarts we can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good." [Enter +coachman, peeled down to a more moderate-sized man.] + +"Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." "With all my heart, my good +friend." "Please to remember the coachman--driv ye thirty miles." "Yes, +but you'll recollect how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-box +there's sixpence between us for you." "Oh, sur! I'm sure I didn't mean +no unpurliteness. I 'opes you'll forget it; it was werry aggravising, +certainly, but driv ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle more, +thirty miles." "No, no, no more; so be off." "Please to remember the +coachman, ma'am, thirty miles!" "Leaves ye here, sir, if you please; +goes no further, sir; thirty miles, ma'am; all the vay from Lunnun, +sir." + +A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder of the gathering to +be made in dumb show, and having exhausted his wind, the guard squeezed +through the door, and, with an extremely red face, assured the company +that "time was hup" and the "coach quite ready." Then out came the +purses, brown, green, and blue, with the usual inquiry, "What's dinner, +waiter?" "Two and six, dinner, beer, three,--two and nine yours," +replied the knock-kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing +a blue-and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three and six, +ma'am;--two glasses of brandy-and-water, four shillings, if you please +sir--a bottle of real Devonshire cider."--"You must change me a +sovereign," handing one out. "Certainly, sir," upon which the waiter, +giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of the room. "Now, +gentlemen and ladies! pray, come, time's hup--carn't wait--must +go"--roars the guard, as the passengers shuffle themselves into their +coats, cloaks, and cravats, and Joe "Boots" runs up the passage with the +ladder for the lady. "Now, my dear Mrs. Sprat, good-bye.--God bless you, +and remember me most kindly to your husband and dear little ones --and +pray, write soon," says an elderly lady, as she hugs and kisses a +youngish one at the door, who has been staying with her for a week, +during which time they have quarrelled regularly every night. "Have you +all your things, dearest? three boxes, five parcels, an umbrella, a +parasol, the cage for Tommy's canary, and the bundle in the red silk +handkerchief--then good-bye, my beloved, step up--and now, Mr. Guard, +you know where to set her down." "Good-bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, all +right, thank you," replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping up the ladder, and +adjusting herself in the gammon board opposite the guard, the seat the +last comer generally gets.--"But stay! I've forgot my reticule--it's on +the drawers in the bedroom--stop, coachman! I say, guard!" "Carn't wait, +ma'am--time's hup"--and just at this moment a two-horse coach is +heard stealing up the street, upon which the coachman calls to the +horse-keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, and take care no one +pays them twice over," gives a whistling hiss to his leaders, the double +thong to his wheelers, and starts off at a trot, muttering something +about, "cuss'd pair-'oss coach,--convict-looking passengers," observing +confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, as he turned the angle of the street, +"that he would rather be hung off a long stage, than die a natural death +on a short one," while the guard drowns the voices of the lady who has +left her reticule, and of the gentleman who has got no change for his +sovereign, in a hearty puff of: + + Rule Britannia,--Britannia rule the waves. + Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves! + +Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after feeding, our +party rolled steadily along, with occasional gibes at those they met or +passed, such as telling waggoners their linch-pins were out; carters' +mates, there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road; making urchins +follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings and mock parcels; or +simple equestrians dismount in a jiffy on telling them their horses' +shoes were not all on "before." [19] Towards the decline of the day, +Dover heights appeared in view, with the stately castle guarding the +Channel, which seen through the clear atmosphere of an autumnal evening, +with the French coast conspicuous in the distance, had more the +appearance of a wide river than a branch of the sea. + +[Footnote 19: This is more of a hunting-field joke than a road one. "Have +I all my shoes on?" "They are not all on before."] + +The coachman mended his pace a little, as he bowled along the gentle +descents or rounded the base of some lofty hill, and pulling up at +Lydden took a glass of soda-water and brandy, while four strapping +greys, with highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and hollyhocks +at their heads, were put to, to trot the last few miles into Dover. +Paying-time being near, the guard began to do the amiable--hoped Mrs. +Sprat had ridden comfortable; and the coachman turned to the gentleman +whose sovereign was left behind to assure him he would bring his change +the next day, and was much comforted by the assurance that he was on his +way to Italy for the winter. As the coach approached Charlton Gate, the +guard flourished his bugle and again struck up _Rule Britannia_, which +lasted the whole breadth of the market-place, and length of Snargate +Street, drawing from Mr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet +remained, and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic moth-impaler, to +suspend the examination of the bowels of a watch, as they rattled past +his window. + +At the door of the "Ship Hotel" the canary-coloured coach of Mr. Wright, +the landlord, with four piebald horses, was in waiting for him to take +his evening drive, and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat tiger in +a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed behind to convey +her a few miles on the London road. Of course the equipages of such +important personages could not be expected to move for a common +stage-coach, consequently it pulled up a few yards from the door. It is +melancholy to think that so much spirit should have gone unrewarded, +or in other words, that Mr. Wright should have gone wrong in his +affairs.--Mrs. Ramsbottom said she never understood the meaning of the +term, "The Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," until she went to +Rochester. Many people, we doubt not, retain a lively recollection of +the "bill of Wright's of Dover." But to our travellers. + +"Now, sir! this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be the coachman, and +we goes no further," observed the amphibious-looking coachman, in a +pea-jacket and top-boots, to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on +the box, as if he expected, that because they booked people "through +to Paris," at the coach office in London, that the vehicle crossed the +Channel and conveyed them on the other side. At this intimation, Mr. +Jorrocks clambered down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and +captains of vessels soliciting his custom. "_Bonjour,_ me Lor'," said +a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white jersey shirt, +taking off a red nightcap with mock politeness, "you shall be cross." +"What's that about?" inquires Mr. Jorrocks--"cross! what does the chap +mean?" "Ten shillin', just, me Lor'," replied the man. "Cross for ten +shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, "vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he +hasn't picked my pocket." "I--you--vill," said the sailor slowly, using +his fingers to enforce his meaning, "take to France," pointing south, +"for ten shillin' in my _bateau_, me Lor," continued the sailor, with +a grin of satisfaction as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to comprehend +him. "Ah! I twig--you'll take me across the water." said our citizen +chuckling at the idea of understanding French and being called a +Lord--"for ten shillings--half-sovereign in fact." "Don't go with him, +sir," interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; "he's got nothing but a +lousy lugger that will be all to-morrow in getting over, if it ever gets +at all; and the _Royal George_, superb steamer, sails with a King's +Messenger and dispatches for all the foreign courts at half-past ten, +and must be across by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take a +card for the _Brocklebank_--quickest steamer out of Dover--wind's made +expressly to suit her, and she can beat the _Royal George_ like winking. +Passengers never sick in the most uproarious weather," cried another +tout, running the corner of his card into Mr. Jorrocks's eye to engage +his attention. Then came the captain of the French mail-packet, who was +dressed much like a new policeman, with an embroidered collar to his +coat, and a broad red band round a forage cap which he raised with +great politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's patronage of his +high-pressure engine, "vich had beat a balloon, and vod take him for +half less than noting." A crowd collected, in the centre of which stood +Mr. Jorrocks perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his carpet-bag +under his arm. "Gentlemen," said he, extending his right hand, "you +seem to me to be desperately civil--your purliteness appears to know no +bounds--but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that whoever will carry +me across the herring pond cheapest shall have my custom, so now +begin and bid downwards." "Nine shillings," said an Englishman +directly--"eight" replied a Frenchman--"seven and sixpence"--"seven +shillings"--"six and sixpence"--"six shillings"--"five and sixpence"; at +last it came down to five shillings, at which there were two bidders, +the French captain and the tout of the _Royal George_,--and Mr. +Jorrocks, like a true born Briton, promised his patronage to the latter, +at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their shoulders, and burst out +a-laughing, one calling him, "my Lor' Ros-bif," and the other "Monsieur +God-dem," as they walked off in search of other victims. + +None but the natives of Dover can tell what the weather is, unless the +wind comes directly off the sea, and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks +proceeded to embark after breakfast the next morning, that he +ascertained there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the heights kept +the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers were simmering into action on +the London-hotel side of the harbour, in one of which--the _Royal +George_--two britzkas and a barouche were lashed ready for sea, while +the custom-house porters were trundling barrows full of luggage +under the personal superintendence of a little shock-headed French +commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a gold-laced cap, and the other +gentry of the same profession from the different inns. As the _Royal +George_ lay nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on board +without troubling himself to risk his shins among the steps of a ladder +that was considerately thrust into the place of embarkation; and as soon +as he set foot upon deck, of course he was besieged by the usual myriad +of land sharks. First came Monsieur the Commissionnaire with his book, +out of which he enumerated two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags, for +each of which he made a specific charge leaving his own gratuity +optional with his employer; then came Mr. Boots to ask for something for +showing them the way; after him the porter of the inn for carrying their +cloaks and great-coats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to, most +philosophically, but when the interpreter of the deaf and dumb ladder +man demanded something for the use of the ladder, his indignation got +the better of him and he exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all on +deck, "Surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he has not enjoyed!" + +A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic--they look at the +medicine and wish it well over, and look at the sea and wish themselves +well over. Everything looked bright and gay at Dover--the cliffs seemed +whiter than ever--the sailors had on clean trousers, and the few people +that appeared in the streets were dressed in their Sunday best. The +cart-horses were seen feeding leisurely on the hills, and there was a +placid calmness about everything on shore, which the travellers would +fain have had extended to the sea. They came slowly and solemnly upon +deck, muffled up in cloaks and coats, some with their passage money in +their hands, and took their places apparently with the full expectation +of being sick. + +The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of animation, in the shape +of a few vigorous puffs from the boiler, which were responded to by the +_Royal George_, whose rope was slipped without the usual tinkle of the +bell, and she shot out to sea, closely followed by the Frenchman, who +was succeeded by the other English boat. Three or four tremendous long +protracted dives, each followed by a majestic rise on the bosom of the +waves, denoted the crossing of the bar; and just as the creaking of the +cordage, the flapping of the sails, and the nervous quivering of the +paddles, as they lost their hold of the water, were in full vigour, the +mate crossed the deck with a large white basin in his hand, the sight of +which turned the stomachs of half the passengers. Who shall describe the +misery that ensued? The groans and moans of the sufferers, increasing +every minute, as the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, +while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick passengers caught the green +countenance and fixed eye of some prostrate sufferer and were overcome +themselves. + +Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a most substantial +breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and +fried ham, held out as long as anybody--indeed, at one time the odds +were that he would not be sick at all; and he kept walking up and down +deck like a true British tar. In one of his turns he was observed to +make a full stop.--Immediately before the boiler his eye caught a +cadaverous-looking countenance that rose between the top of a blue +camlet cloak, and the bottom of a green travelling-cap, with a large +patent-leather peak; he was certain that he knew it, and, somehow or +other, he thought, not favourably. The passenger was in that happy mood +just debating whether he should hold out against sickness any longer, +or resign himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. Jorrocks's eye +encountered his, and the meeting did not appear to contribute to his +happiness. Mr. Jorrocks paused and looked at him steadily for some +seconds, during which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over his +memory. "Sergeant Bumptious, by gum!" exclaimed he, giving his thigh +a hearty slap, as the deeply indented pock-marks on the learned +gentleman's face betrayed his identity. "Sergeant," said he, going up to +him, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye--may be in the course of your practice +at Croydon you've heard that there are more times than one to catch a +thief." "Who are you?" inquired the sergeant with a growl, just at which +moment the boat gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by a donation +to the fishes. "Who am I?" replied Mr. Jorrocks, as soon as he was done, +"I'll soon tell ye that--I'm Mr. JORROCKS! Jorrocks wersus Cheatum, in +fact--now that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be 'appy to +fight ye either by land or sea." "Oh-h-h-h!" groaned the sergeant at the +mention of the latter word, and thereupon he put his head over the boat +and paid his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood eyeing him, and +when the sergeant recovered, he observed with apparent mildness and +compassion, "Now, my dear sergeant, to show ye that I can return good +for evil, allow me to fatch you a nice 'ot mutton chop!" "Oh-h-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant, as though he would die. "Or perhaps you'd prefer +a cut of boiled beef with yellow fat, and a dab of cabbage?" an +alternative which was too powerful for the worthy citizen himself--for, +like Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a picture that his own +imagination could not sustain--and, in attempting to reach the side +of the boat, he cascaded over the sergeant, and they rolled over each +other, senseless and helpless upon deck. + +"Mew, mew," screamed the seagulls;--"creak, creak," went the +cordage;--"flop, flop," went the sails; round went the white basins, and +the steward with the mop; and few passengers would have cared to have +gone overboard, when, at the end of three hours' misery, the captain +proclaimed that they were running into still water off Boulogne. This +intimation was followed by the collection of the passage money by the +mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the steward, under the noses of +the party, for perquisites for the crew. Jorrocks and the sergeant +lay together like babes in the wood until they were roused by this +operation, when, with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. Jorrocks got +up; and though he had an idea in his own mind that a man had better live +abroad all his life than encounter such misery as he had undergone, for +the purpose of returning to England, he recollected his intended work +upon France, and began to make his observations upon the town of +Boulogne, towards which the vessel was rapidly steaming. "Not half so +fine as Margate," said he; "the houses seem all afraid of the sea, and +turn their ends to it instead of fronting it, except yon great white +place, which I suppose is the baths"; and, taking his hunting telescope +out of his pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make an +observation. "How the people are swarming down to see us!" he exclaimed. +"I see such a load of petticoats--glad Mrs. J---- ain't with us; may +have some fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women! wot ankles! beat +the English, hollow--would give something to be a single man!" While he +made these remarks, the boat ran up the harbour in good style, to the +evident gratification of the multitude who lined the pier from end to +end, and followed her in her passage. "Ease her! stop her!" at last +cried the captain, as she got opposite a low wooden guard-house, midway +down the port. A few strokes of the paddles sent her up to the quay, +some ropes were run from each end of the guard-house down to the boat, +within which space no one was admitted except about a dozen soldiers or +custom-house officers--in green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf +"caps," and having swords by their sides--and some thick-legged +fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings, to lower the ladder for +disembarkation. The idlers, that is to say, all the inhabitants of +Boulogne, range themselves outside the ropes on foot, horseback, in +carriages, or anyhow, to take the chance of seeing someone they know, +to laugh at the melancholy looks of those who have been sick, and to +criticise the company, who are turned into the guarded space like a +flock of sheep before them. + +Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself a hearty and +congratulatory shake on again finding himself on terra firma, and +sticking his hat jauntily on one side, as though he didn't know what +sea-sickness was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators on one +side of the ropes; when presently he was heard to exclaim, "My vig, +there's Thompson! He owes us a hundred pounds, and has been doing +these three years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine looking young +fellow--with mustachios, in a hussar foraging cap stuck on one side of +his head, dressed in a black velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a +jeweller's shop about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings and +buttons--who had brought a good-looking bay horse to bear with his chest +against the cords. "Thompson," said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of +voice, "how are you?" "How do ye do, Mister Jorrocks," drawled out the +latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing a cloud of smoke over +the grocer's head. "Well, I'm werry well, but I should like to have a +few moments' conversation with you." "Would ye?" said Thompson, blowing +another cloud. "Yes, I would; you remember that 'ere little bill you got +Simpkins to discount for you one day when I was absent; we have had it +by us a long time now, and it is about time you were taking it up." "You +think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks; can't you renew it? I'll give you a +draft on Aldgate pump for the amount." "Come, none of your funning with +me, I've had enough of your nonsense: give me my pewter, or I'll have +that horse from under you; for though it has got the hair rubbed off +its near knee, it will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey +occasionally." "You old fool," said Thompson, "you forget where you are; +if I could pay you your little bill, do you suppose I would be here? You +can't squeeze blood out of a turnip, can ye? But I'll tell you what, my +covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, you shall give me the +satisfaction of a gentleman, if you don't take care what you are about, +you old tinker. By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow +morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight through your carcass +if you utter another syllable about the bill. Why, now, you stare as +Balaam did at his ass, when he found it capable of holding an argument +with him!" + +And true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfounded at this sort of reply from a +creditor, it not being at all in accordance with the _Lex mercatoria_, +or law of merchants, and quite unknown on 'Change. Before, however, he +had time to recover his surprise, all the passengers having entered the +roped area, one of the green-coated gentry gave him a polite twist +by the coat-tail, and with a wave of the hand and bend of his body, +beckoned him to proceed with the crowd into the guard-house. After +passing an outer room, they entered the bureau by a door in the middle +of a wooden partition, where two men were sitting with pens ready to +enter the names of the arrivers in ledgers. + +"Votre nom et designation?" said one of them to Mr. Jorrocks--who, with +a bad start, had managed to squeeze in first--to which Mr. Jorrocks +shook his head. "Sare, what's your name, sare?" inquired the same +personage. "JORROCKS," was the answer, delivered with great emphasis, +and thereupon the secretary wrote "Shorrock." "--Monsieur Shorrock," +said he, looking up, "votre profession, Monsieur? Vot you are, sare?" "A +grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter from those behind +who meant to sink the shop. "Marchand-Epicier," wrote the bureau-keeper. +"Quel age avez-vous, Monsieur? How old you are, sare?" "Two pound +twelve," replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his inquisitiveness. "No, +sare, not vot monnay you have, sare, hot old you are, sare." "Well, two +pound twelve, fifty-two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, +to take his chance among the touts and commissionaires of the +various hotels, who are enough to pull passengers to pieces in their +solicitations for custom. In Boulogne, however, no man with money is +ever short of friends; and Thompson having given the hint to two +or three acquaintances as he rode up street, there were no end of +broken-down sportsmen, levanters, and gentlemen who live on the interest +of what they owe other people, waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The +greetings on their parts were most cordial and enthusiastic, and even +some who were in his books did not hesitate to hail him; the majority of +the party, however, was composed of those with whom he had at various +tunes and places enjoyed the sports of the field, but whom he had never +missed until they met at Boulogne. + +Their inquiries were business-like and familiar:--"are ye, Jorrocks?" +cried one, holding out both hands. "How are ye, my lad of wax? Do you +still play billiards?--Give you nine, and play you for a Nap." "Come +to my house this evening, old boy, and take a hand at whist for old +acquaintance sake," urged the friend on his left; "got some rare +cogniac, and a box of beautiful Havannahs." "No, Jorrocks,--dine with +me," said a third, "and play chicken-hazard." "Don't," said a fourth, +confidentially, "he'll fleece ye like fun". "Let me put your name +down to our Pigeon Club; only a guinea entrance and a guinea +subscription--nothing to a rich man like you." "Have you any coin to +lend on unexceptionable personal security, with a power of killing and +selling your man if he don't pay?" inquired another. "Are they going +to abolish the law of arrest? 'twould be very convenient if they did." +"Will you discount me a bill at three months?" "Is B---- out of the +Bench yet?" "Who do they call Nodding Homer in your hunt?" "Oh, +gentlemen, gentlemen!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, "go it gently, go it gently! +Consider the day is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want of +food. I've come all the way from Angle-tear, as we say in France, and +lost my breakfast on the wogaye. Where is there an inn where I can +recruit my famished frame? What's this?" looking up at a sign, "'Done a +boar in a manger,' what does this mean?--where's my French dictionary? +I've heard that boar is very good to eat." "Yes, but this boar is to +drink," said a friend on the right; "but you must not put up at a house +of that sort; come to the Hotel d'Orleans, where all the best fellows +and men of consequence go, a celebrated house in the days of the +Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the time, Mr. Jorrocks! we lived like +fighting-cocks then; you should have been among us, such a rollicking +set of dogs! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink claret all +night, and take an occasional by-day with the hounds on a Sunday. Can't +do that with the Surrey, I guess. There's the Hotel d'Orleans," pointing +to it as they turned the corner of the street; "splendid house it is. +I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose so; but the sun of +its greatness is fast setting--there's no such shaking of elbows as +there used to be--the IOU system knocked that up. Still, you'll be very +comfortable; a bit of carpet by your bedside, curtains to your windows, +a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel every third day, and as many +friends to dine with you as ever you like--no want of company in +Boulogne, I assure you. Here, Mr. W----," addressing the innkeeper who +appeared at the door, "this is the very celebrated Mr. Jorrocks, of whom +we have all heard so much,--take him and use him as you would your own +son; and, hark ye (aside), don't forget I brought him." + +"Garsoon," said Jorrocks, after having composed himself a little during +which time he was also composing a French speech from his dictionary +and Madame de Genlis's[20] _Manuel du Voyageur_, "A che hora [ora] si +pranza?" looking at the waiter, who seemed astonished. "Oh, stop!" said +he, looking again, "that's Italian--I've got hold of the wrong column. +A quelle heure dine--hang me if I know how to call this chap--dine +[spelling it], t'on?" "What were you wishing to say, sir?" inquired the +waiter, interrupting his display of the language. "Wot, do you speak +English?" asked Jorrocks in amazement. "I hope so, sir," replied the +man, "for I'm an Englishman." "Then, why the devil did you not say so, +you great lout, instead of putting me into a sweat this 'ot day +by speaking French to you?" "Beg pardon, sir, thought you were a +Frenchman." "Did you, indeed?" said Jorrocks, delighted; "then, by Jove, +I do speak French! Somehow or other I thought I could, as I came over. +Bring me a thundering beef-steak, and a pint of stout, directly!" The +Hotel d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and plum-pudding sort of +house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily had an immense stripe of tough beef and +boiled potatoes placed before him, in the well-windowed _salle a +manger_, and the day being fine he regaled himself at a table at an open +window, whereby he saw the smart passers-by, and let them view him in +return. + +[Footnote 20: For the benefit of our "tarry-at-home" readers, we should +premise that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the convenience of +travellers who do not speak any language but their own; and it consists +of dialogues on different necessary subjects, with French and Italian +translations opposite the English.] + +Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals the best town in +smartness. The shops are better set out, the women are better dressed, +and there is a holiday brightness and air of pleasure on every +countenance. Then instead of seeing a sulky husband trudging behind a +pouting wife with a child in her arms, an infallible sign of a Sunday +evening in England, they trip away to the rural _fete champetre_, where +with dancing, lemonade, and love, they pass away the night in temperate +if not innocent hilarity. "Happy people! that once a week, at least, +lay down their cares, and dance and sing, and sport away the weights of +grievance, which bow down the spirit of other nations to the earth." + +The voyage, though short, commenced a new era in Mr. Jorrocks's life, +and he entirely forget all about Sunday and Dover dullness the moment he +set foot on sprightly France, and he no more recollected it was Sunday, +than if such a day had ceased to exist in the calendar. Having bolted +his steak, he gave his Hessians their usual flop with his handkerchief, +combed his whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth, +dictionary in hand, to translate the signs, admire the clever little +children talking French, quiz the horses, and laugh at everything +he didn't understand; to spend his first afternoon, in short, as +nine-tenths of the English who go "abroad" are in the habit of doing. + +Early the next morning. Mr. Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman, accompanied +by the commissionnaire of the Hotel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper +town, for the purpose of obtaining passports, and as they ascended the +steep street called La grand Rue, which connects the two towns, they +held a consultation as to what the former should be described. A +"Marchand-Epicier" would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no respect, but, then, he +objected to the word "Rentier." "What is the French for fox-'unter?" +said he, after a thoughtful pause, turning to his dictionary. There was +no such word. "Sportsman, then? Ay, Chasseur! how would that read? John +Jorrocks, Esq., Chasseur,--not bad, I think," said he. "That will do," +replied the Yorkshireman, "but you must sink the Esquire now, and +tack 'Monsieur' before your name, and a very pretty euphonious sound +'Monsieur Jorrocks' will have; and when you hear some of the little +Parisian grisettes lisp it out as you turn the garters over on their +counters, while they turn their dark flashing eyes over upon you, it +will be enough to rejuvenate your old frame. But suppose we add to +'Chasseur'--'Member of the Surrey Hunt?'" "By all means," replied +Mr. Jorrocks, delighted at the idea, and ascending the stairs of the +Consulate three steps at a time. + +The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance sitting in state, with +a gendarme at the door and his secretary at his elbow. "_Bonjour,_ +Monsieur," said he, bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty +folding door; to which our traveller replied, "The top of the morning to +you, sir," thinking something of that sort would be right. The Consul, +having scanned him through his green spectacles, drew a large sheet of +thin printed paper from his portfolio, with the arms of France placed +under a great petticoat at the top, and proceeded to fill up a request +from his most Christian Majesty to all the authorities, both civil and +military, of France, and also of all the allied "pays," "de laisser +librement passer" Monsieur John Jorrocks, Chasseur and member of the +Hont de Surrey, and plusieurs other Honts; and also, Monsieur Stubbs, +native of Angleterre, going from Boulogne to Paris, and to give them aid +and protection, "en cas de besoin," all of which Mr. Jorrocks --like +many travellers before him--construed into a most flattering compliment +and mark of respect, from his most Christian Majesty to himself. + +Under the word "signalement" in the margin, the Consul also drew the +following sketch of our hero, in order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that +the King of the Mouncheers might know him when he saw him: + + "Age de 52 ans + Taille d'un metre 62 centimetres + Perruque brun + Front large + Yeux gris-sanguin + Nez moyen + Barbe grisatre + Vizage ronde + Teint rouge." + +He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his signature, who, observing +the words "Signature du Porteur" at the bottom, passed it on to the +porter of the inn, until put right by the Consul, who, on receiving his +fee, bowed him out with great politeness. + +Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the horses and carts that +he had seen stirring about the streets, his amazement knew no bounds +when the first Paris diligence came rolling into town with six +horses, spreading over the streets as they swung about in all +directions--covered with bells, sheep-skins, worsted balls, and foxes' +brushes, driven by one solitary postilion on the off wheeler. "My vig," +cried he, "here's Wombwell's wild-beast show! What the deuce are they +doing in France? I've not heard of them since last Bartlemy-fair, when I +took my brother Joe's children to see them feed. But stop--this is full +of men! My eyes, so it is! It's what young Dutch Sam would call a male +coach, because there are no females about it. Well, I declare, I am +almost sorry I did not bring Mrs. J----. Wot would they think to see +such a concern in Cheapside? Why, it holds half a township--a perfect +willage on wheels. My eyes, wot a curiosity! Well, I never thought to +live to see such a sight as this!--wish it was going our way that I +might have a ride in it. Hope ours will be as big." Shortly after theirs +did arrive, and Mr. Jorrocks was like a perfect child with delight. It +was not a male coach, however, for in the different compartments were +five or six ladies. "Oh, wot elegant creatures," cried he, eyeing them; +"I could ride to Jerusalem with them without being tired; wot a thing it +is to be a bachelor!" + +The Conducteur--with the usual frogged, tagged, embroidered jacket, and +fur-bound cap--having hoisted their luggage on high, the passengers who +had turned out of their respective compartments to stretch their legs +after their cramping from Calais, proceeded to resume their places. +There were only two seats vacant in the interior, or, as Mr. Jorrocks +called it, the "middle house," consequently the Yorkshireman and he +crossed legs. The other four passengers had corner-seats, things much +coveted by French travellers. On Mr. Stubbs's right sat an immense +Englishman, enveloped in a dark blue camlet cloak, fastened with bronze +lionhead clasps, a red neckcloth, and a shabby, napless, broad-brimmed, +brown hat. His face was large, round, and red, without an atom of +expression, and his little pig eyes twinkled over a sort of a mark that +denoted where his nose should have been; in short, his head was more +like a barber's wig block than anything else, and his outline would have +formed a model of the dome of St. Paul's. On the Yorkshireman's left +was a chattering young red-trousered dragoon, in a frock-coat and flat +foraging cap with a flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was more fortunate than +his friend, and rubbed sides with two women; one was English, either +an upper nursery-maid or an under governess, but who might be safely +trusted to travel by herself. She was dressed in a black beaver bonnet +lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen pelisse with a blue ribbon, and +pea-green boots, and she carried a sort of small fish-basket on her +knee, with a "plain Christian's prayer book" on the top. The other was +French, approaching to middle age, with a nice smart plump figure, good +hazel-coloured eyes, a beautiful foot and ankle, and very well dressed. +Indeed, her dress very materially reduced the appearance of her age, +and she was what the milliners would call remarkably well "got up." Her +bonnet was a pink satin, with a white blonde ruche surmounted by a rich +blonde veil, with a white rose placed elegantly on one side, and her +glossy auburn hair pressed down the sides of a milk-white forehead, in +the Madonna style.--Her pelisse was of "violet-des-bois" figured silk, +worn with a black velvet pelerine and a handsomely embroidered collar. +Her boots were of a colour to match the pelisse; and a massive gold +chain round her neck, and a solitary pearl ring on a middle finger, were +all the jewellery she displayed. Mr. Jorrocks caught a glimpse of her +foot and ankle as she mounted the steps to resume her place in the +diligence, and pushing the Yorkshireman aside, he bundled in directly +after her, and took up the place we have described. + +The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous roll enchanted the +heart of the grocer. Independently of the novelty, he was in a humour to +be pleased, and everything with him was _couleur de rose_. Not so the +Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who lounged in the corner, muffled +up in his cloak, muttering and cursing at every jolt of the diligence, +as it bumped across the gutters and jolted along the streets of +Boulogne. At length having got off the pavement, after crushing along at +a trot through the soft road that immediately succeeds, they reached the +little hill near Mr. Gooseman's farm, and the horses gradually relaxed +into a walk, when he burst forth with a tremendous oath, swearing that +he had "travelled three hundred thousand miles, and never saw horses +walk up such a bit of a bank before." He looked round the diligence in +the expectation of someone joining him, but no one deigned a reply, so, +with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he again threw himself into +his corner. The dragoon and the French lady then began narrating the +histories of their lives, as the French people always do, and Mr. +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each other. At length Mr. +Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary and _Madame de Genlis_ out of his +pocket, observed, "I quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we +dine--most important consideration, for I hold it unfair to takes one's +stomach by surprise, and a man should have due notice, that he may tune +his appetite accordingly. I have always thought, that there's as much +dexterity required to bring an appetite to table in the full bloom of +perfection, as there is in training an 'oss to run on a particular +day.--Let me see," added he, turning over the pages of _de Genlis_--"it +will be under the head of eating and drinking, I suppose.--Here it +is--(opens and reads)--'I have a good appetite--I am hungry--I am werry +hungry--I am almost starved'--that won't do--'I have eaten +enough'--that won't do either--'To breakfast'--no.--But here it is, by +Jingo--'Dialogue before dinner'--capital book for us travellers, this +Mrs. de Genlis--(reads) 'Pray, take dinner with us to-day, I shall give +you plain fare.'--That means rough and enough, I suppose," observed Mr. +Jorrocks to the Yorkshireman.--"'What time do we dine to-day? French: +A quelle heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui?--Italian: A che hora (ora) +si prancey (pranza) oggi?'" "Ah, Monsieur, vous parlez Francais a +merveille," said the French lady, smiling with the greatest good nature +upon him. "A marble!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "wot does that mean?" +preparing to look it out in the dictionary. "Ah, Monsieur, I shall you +explain--you speak French like a natif." "Indeed!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +with a bow, "I feel werry proud of your praise; and your English is +quite delightful.--By Jove," said he to the Yorkshireman, with a most +self-satisfied grin, "you were right in what you told me about the +gals calling me Monsieur.--I declare she's driven right home to my +'art--transfixed me at once, in fact." + +Everyone who has done a little "voyaging," as they call it in France, +knows that a few miles to the south of Samer rises a very steep hill, +across which the route lies, and that diligence travellers are generally +invited to walk up it. A path which strikes off near the foot of the +hill, across the open, cuts off the angle, and--diligences being +anything but what the name would imply,--the passengers, by availing +themselves of the short cut, have ample time for striking up confabs, +and inquiring into the comforts of the occupiers of the various +compartments. Our friends of the "interior" were all busy jabbering +and talking--some with their tongues, others with their hands and +tongues--with the exception of the monster in the cloak, who sat like +a sack in the corner, until the horses, having reached the well-known +breathing place, made a dead halt, and the conducteur proceeded to +invite the party to descend and "promenade" up the hill. "What's +happened now?" cried the monster, jumping up as the door opened; +"surely, they don't expect us to walk up this mountain! I've travelled +three hundred thousand miles, and was never asked to do such a thing in +all my life before. I won't do it; I paid for riding, and ride I will. +You are all a set of infamous cheats," said he to the conducteur in good +plain English; but the conducteur, not understanding the language, +shut the door as soon as all the rest were out, and let him roll on +by himself. Jorrocks stuck to his woman, who had a negro boy in the +rotonde, dressed in baggy slate-coloured trousers, with a green +waistcoat and a blue coat, with a coronet on the button, who came to +hand her out, and was addressed by the heroic name of "Agamemnon." +Jorrocks got a glimpse of the button, but, not understanding foreign +coronets, thought it was a crest; nevertheless, he thought he might as +well inquire who his friend was, so, slinking back as they reached the +foot of the hill he got hold of the nigger, and asked what they called +his missis. Massa did not understand, and Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled +how to explain, again had recourse to the _Manuel du Voyageur_; but +Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an occurrence, and there was +no dialogue adapted to his situation. There was a conversation with a +lacquey, however, commencing with--"Are you disposed to enter into my +service?" and, in the hopes of hitting upon something that would convey +his wishes, he "hark'd forward," and passing by--"Are you married?" +arrived at--"What is your wife's occupation?" "Que fait votre femme?" +said he, suiting the action to the word, and pointing to Madame. +Agamemnon showed his ivories, as he laughed at the idea of Jorrocks +calling his mistress his wife, and by signs and words conveyed to him +some idea of the importance of the personage to whom he alluded. This he +did most completely, for before the diligence came up, Jorrocks pulled +the Yorkshireman aside, and asked if he was aware that they were +travelling with a real live Countess; "Madame la Countess Benwolio, the +nigger informs me," said he; "a werry grande femme, though what that +means I don't know." "Oh, Countesses are common enough here," replied +the Yorkshireman. "I dare say she's a stay-maker. I remember a +paint-maker who had a German Baron for a colour-grinder once." "Oh," +said Jorrocks, "you are jealous--you always try to run down my friends; +but that won't do, I'm wide awake to your tricks"; so saying, he +shuffled off, and getting hold of the Countess, helped Agamemnon to +hoist her into the diligence. He was most insinuating for the next two +hours, and jabbered about love and fox-hunting, admiring the fine, flat, +open country, and the absence of hedges and flints; but as neither youth +nor age can subsist on love alone, his confounded appetite began to +trouble him, and got quite the better of him before they reached +Abbeville. Every mile seemed a league, and he had his head out of the +window at least twenty times before they came in sight of the town. At +length the diligence got its slow length dragged not only to Abbeville, +but to the sign of the "Fidele Berger"--or "Fiddle Burgur," as Mr. +Jorrocks pronounced it--where they were to dine. The door being opened, +out he jumped, and with his _Manuel du Voyageur_ in one hand, and the +Countess Benvolio in the other, he pushed his way through the crowd of +"pauvres miserables" congregated under the gateway, who exhibited every +species of disease and infirmity that poor human nature is liable or +heir to, and entered the hotel. The "Sally manger," as he called it, was +a long brick-floored room on the basement, with a white stove at one +end, and the walls plentifully decorated with a panoramic view of the +Grand Nation wallopping the Spaniards at the siege of Saragossa. The +diligence being a leetle behind time as usual, the soup was on the table +when they entered. The passengers quickly ranged themselves round, and, +with his mouth watering as the female garcon lifted the cover from the +tureen, Mr. Jorrocks sat in the expectation of seeing the rich contents +ladled into the plates. His countenance fell fifty per cent as the first +spoonful passed before his eyes.--"My vig, why it's water!" exclaimed +he--"water, I do declare, with worms[21] in it--I can't eat such stuff as +that--it's not man's meat--oh dear, oh dear, I fear I've made a terrible +mistake in coming to France! Never saw such stuff as this at Bleaden's +or Birch's, or anywhere in the city." "I've travelled three hundred +thousand miles," said the fat man, sending his plate from him in +disgust, "and never tasted such a mess as this before." "I'll show +them up in _The Times_," cried Mr. Jorrocks; "and, look, what stuff is +here--beef boiled to rags!--well, I never, no never, saw anything like +this before. Oh, I wish I was in Great Coram Street again!--I'm sure +I can't live here--I wonder if I could get a return +chaise--waiter--garsoon--cuss! Oh dear! I see _Madame de Genlis_ is of +no use in a pinch--and yet what a dialogue here is! Oh heavens! grant +your poor Jorrocks but one request, and that is the contents of a single +sentence. 'I want a roasted or boiled leg of mutton, beef, hung beef, +a quarter of mutton, mutton chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue, dried +tongue, hog's pudding, white sausage, meat sausage, chicken with rice, a +nice fat roast fowl, roast chicken with cressy, roast or boiled pigeon, +a fricassee of chicken, sweet-bread, goose, lamb, calf's cheek, calf's +head, fresh pork, salt pork, cold meat, hash.'--But where's the use of +titivating one's appetite with reading of such luxteries? Oh, what a +wife Madame de Genlis would have made for me! Oh dear, oh dear, I shall +die of hunger, I see --I shall die of absolute famine--my stomach thinks +my throat's cut already!" In the height of his distress in came two +turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his countenance shone forth like an +April sun after a shower. "Come, this is better," said he; "I'll trouble +you, sir, for a leg and a wing, and a bit of the breast, for I'm really +famished--oh hang! the fellow's a Frenchman, and I shall lose half the +day in looking it out in my dictionary. Oh dear, oh dear, where's the +dinner dialogue!--well, here's something to that purpose. 'I will +send you a bit of this fowl.' 'A little bit of the fowl cannot hurt +you.'--No, nor a great bit either.--'Which do you like best, leg or +wing?' 'Qu'aimez-vous le mieux, la cuisse ou l'aile?'" Here the Countess +Benvolio, who had been playing a good knife and fork herself, pricked +up her ears, and guessing at Jorrocks's wants, interceded with her +countryman and got him a plateful of fowl. It was soon disposed of, +however, and half a dish of hashed hare or cat, that was placed within +reach of him shortly after, was quickly transferred into his plate. A +French dinner is admirably calculated for leading the appetite on by +easy stages to the grand consummation of satiety. It begins meagrely, as +we have shown, and proceeds gradually through the various gradations of +lights, savories, solids, and substantiate. Presently there was a +large dish of stewed eels put on. "What's that?" asked Jorrocks of the +man.--"Poisson," was the reply. "Poison! why, you infidel, have you no +conscience?" "Fishe," said the Countess. "Oh, ay, I smell--eels--just +like what we have at the Eel-pie-house at Twickenham--your ladyship, I +am thirsty--'ge soif,' in fact." "Ah, bon!" said the Countess, laughing, +and giving him a tumbler of claret. "I've travelled three hundred +thousand miles," said the fat man, "and never saw claret drunk in that +way before." "It's not werry good, I think," said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking +his lips; "if it was not claret I would sooner drink port." Some wild +ducks and fricandeau de veau which followed, were cut up and handed +round, Jorrocks helping himself plentifully to both, as also to pommes +de terre a la maitre d'hotel, and bread at discretion. "Faith, but this +is not a bad dinner, after all's said and done, when one gets fairly +into it." "Fear it will be very expensive," observed the fat man. Just +when Jorrocks began to think he had satisfied nature, in came a roast +leg of mutton, a beef-steak, "a la G--d-dam", [22] and a dish of larks +and snipes. + +[Footnote 21: Macaroni soup.] + +[Footnote 22: When the giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves, +handkerchiefs, gowns, reticules, etc. were "a la Giraffe," an Englishman +asked a waiter if they had any beef-steaks "a la Giraffe." "No, +monsieur, but we have them a la G--d-dem," was the answer.] + +"Must have another tumbler of wine before I can grapple with these +chaps," said he, eyeing them, and looking into Madame de Genlis's +book: "'Garsoon, donnez-moi un verre de vin,'" holding up the book and +pointing to the sentence. He again set to and "went a good one" at both +mutton and snipes, but on pulling up he appeared somewhat exhausted. He +had not got through it all yet, however. Just as he was taking breath, a +_garcon_ entered with some custards and an enormous omelette soufflee, +whose puffy brown sides bagged over the tin dish that contained it. +"There's a tart!" cried Mr. Jorrocks; "Oh, my eyes, what a swell!--Well, +I suppose I must have a shy at it.--'In for a penny in for a pound!' as +we say at the Lord Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, but, however, +here goes," sending his plate across the table to the _garcon_, who was +going to help it. The first dive of the spoon undeceived him as he heard +it sound at the bottom of the dish. "Oh lauk, what a go! All puff, by +Jove!--a regular humbug--a balloon pudding, in short! I won't eat such +stuff--give it to Mouncheer there," rejecting the offer of a piece. "I +like the solids;--will trouble you for some of that cheese, sir, and +don't let it taste of the knive. But what do they mean by setting +the dessert on before the cloth is removed? And here comes tea and +coffee--may as well have some, I suppose it will be all the same price. +And what's this?" eyeing a lot of liqueur glasses full of eau de vie. +"Chasse-cafe, Monsieur," said the _garcon_. "Chasse calf--chasse +calf--what's that? Oh, I twig--what we call 'shove in the mouth' at the +Free-and-Easy. Yes, certainly, give me a glass." "You shall take some +dessert," said the Countess, handing him over some peaches and biscuits. +"Well, I'll try my hand at it, if it will oblege your ladyship, but I +really have had almost enough." "And some abricot," said she, helping +him to a couple of fine juicy ones. "Oh, thank you, my lady, thank you, +my lady, I'm nearly satisfied." "Vous ne mangez pas," said she, giving +him half a plate of grapes. "Oh, my lady, you don't understand me--I +can't eat any more--I am regularly high and dry--chock full--bursting, +in fact." Here she handed him a plate of sponge-cakes mixed with +bon-bons and macaroons, saying, "Vous etes un pauvre mangeur--vous +ne mangez rien, Monsieur." "Oh dear, she does not understand me, I +see.--Indeed, my lady, I cannot eat any more.--Ge woudera, se ge +could-era, mais ge can-ne-ra pas!" "Well, now, I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles, and never heard such a bit of French as that +before," said the fat man, chuckling. + + + +IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS + +As the grey morning mist gradually dispersed, and daylight began to +penetrate the cloud that dimmed the four squares of glass composing the +windows of the diligence, the Yorkshireman, half-asleep and half-awake, +took a mental survey of his fellow-travellers.--Before him sat his +worthy friend, snoring away with his mouth open, and his head, which +kept bobbing over on to the shoulder of the Countess, enveloped in the +ample folds of a white cotton nightcap.--She, too, was asleep and, +disarmed of all her daylight arts, dozed away in tranquil security. Her +mouth also was open, exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth, and +her Madonna front having got a-twist, exposed a mixture of brown and +iron-grey hairs at the parting place. Her bonnet swung from the roof +of the diligence, and its place was supplied by a handsome lace cap, +fastened under her chin by a broad-hemmed cambric handkerchief. +Presently the sun rose, and a bright ray shooting into the Countess's +corner, awoke her with a start, and after a hurried glance at the +passengers, who appeared to be all asleep, she drew a small ivory-cased +looking-glass from her bag, and proceeded to examine her features. Mr. +Jorrocks awoke shortly after, and with an awful groan exclaimed that +his backbone was fairly worn out with sitting. "Oh dear!" said he, "my +behind aches as if I had been kicked all the way from Hockleyhole to +Marylebone. Are we near Paris? for I'm sure I can't find seat any +longer, indeed I can't. I'd rather ride two hundred miles in nine hours, +like H'osbaldeston, than be shut up in this woiture another hour. It +really is past bearing, and that's the long and short of the matter." +This exclamation roused all the party, who began yawning and rubbing +their eyes and looking at their watches. The windows also were lowered +to take in fresh air, and on looking out they found themselves rolling +along a sandy road, lined on each side with apple-trees, whose branches +were "groaning" with fruit. They breakfasted at Beaumont, and had a +regular spread of fish, beef-steak, mutton-chops, a large joint of +hot roast veal, roast chickens, several yards of sour bread, grapes, +peaches, pears, and plums, with vin ordinaire, and coffee au lait; +but Mr. Jorrocks was off his feed, and stood all the time to ease his +haunches. + +Towards three in the afternoon they caught the first glimpse of the +gilded dome of the Hospital of Invalids, which was a signal for all +the party to brush up and make themselves agreeable. Even the +three-hundred-thousand miler opened out, and began telling some +wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess and Mr. Jorrocks carried on a +fierce flirtation, or whatever else they pleased to call it. At last, +after a deal of jargon, he broke off by appealing to the Yorkshireman +to know what "inn" they should "put up at" in Paris. "I don't know, I'm +sure," said he; "it depends a good deal upon how you mean to live. As +you pay my shot it does not do for beggars to be choosers; but suppose +we try Meurice's" "Oh no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "her ladyship tells me +it is werry expensive, for the English always pay through the nose if +they go to English houses in Paris; and, as we talk French, we can put +up at a French one, you know." "Well, then, we can try one of the French +ones in the Rue de la Paix." "Rue de la Pay! no, by Jove, that won't do +for me--the werry name is enough--no Rue de la Pay for me, at least if +I have to pay the shot." "Well, then, you must get your friend there to +tell you of some place, for I don't care twopence, as long as I have a +bed, where it is." The Countess and he then laid their heads together +again, and when the diligence stopped to change horses at St. Denis, +Mr. Jorrocks asked the Yorkshireman to alight, and taking him aside, +announced with great glee that her ladyship, finding they were strangers +in the land, had most kindly invited them to stay with her, and that she +had a most splendid house in the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons, ornamented +with mirrors, musical clocks, and he didn't know what, and kept the best +company in all France, marquesses, barons, viscounts, authors, etc. +Before the Yorkshireman had time to reply, the conducteur came and +hurried them back into the diligence, and closed the door with a bang, +to be sure of having his passengers there while he and the postilion +shuffled the cards and cut for a glass of _eau-de-vie_ apiece. + +The Countess, suspecting what they had been after, resumed the +conversation as soon as Mr. Jorrocks was seated.--"You shall manger +cinque fois every day," said she; "cinque fois," she repeated.--"Humph!" +said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, "what can that mean?--cank four--four +times five's twenty--eat twenty times a day--not possible!" "Oui, +Monsieur, cinque fois," repeated the Countess, telling the number off +on her fingers--"Cafe at nine of the matin, dejeuner a la fourchette at +onze o'clock, diner at cinque heure, cafe at six hour, and souper at +neuf hour." "Upon my word," replied Mr. Jorrocks, his eyes sparkling +with pleasure, "your offer is werry inwiting. My lady," said he, bowing +before her, "Je suis--I am much flattered." "And, Monsieur?" said she, +looking at the Yorkshireman. He, too, assured her that he was very +much flattered, and was beginning to excuse himself, when the Countess +interrupted him somewhat abruptly by turning to Mr. Jorrocks and saying, +"He sall be your son--n'est ce pas?" "No, my lady, I've no children," +replied he, and the Countess's eyes in their turn underwent a momentary +illumination. + +The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the man taken up to kick +about the jaded travellers' luggage at the journey's end. While this +operation was going on in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck close +to Mr. Jorrocks, and having dispatched Agamemnon for a fiacre, bundled +him in, luggage and all, and desiring her worthy domestic to mount the +box, and direct the driver, she kissed her hand to the Yorkshireman, +assuring him she would be most happy to see him, in proof of which, +she drove away without telling him her number, or where the Rue des +Mauvais-Garcons was. + +Paris is a charming place after the heat of the summer has passed away, +and the fine, clear, autumnal days arrive. Then is the time to see the +Tuileries gardens to perfection, when the Parisians have returned from +their chateaus, and emigrating English and those homeward bound halt to +renovate on the road; then is the time that the gayest plants put forth +their brightest hues, and drooping orange flowers scent the air which +silvery fountains lend their aid to cool. + +On a Sunday afternoon, such as we have described, our friend Mr. Stubbs +(who since his arrival had been living very comfortably at the Hotel +d'Hollande, in expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged in +six sous' worth of chairs--one to sit upon and one for each leg--and, +John Bull-like, stretched himself out in the shade beneath the lofty +trees, to view the gay groups who promenaded the alleys before him. +First, there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife in blue satin, +and a little boy in his hand in uniform, with a wooden sword, a perfect +miniature of the father; then a group of short-petticoated, shuffling +French women, each with an Italian greyhound in slips, followed by an +awkward Englishman with a sister on each arm, all stepping out like +grenadiers; then came a ribbon'd chevalier of the Legion of Honour, +whose hat was oftener in his hand than on his head, followed by a +nondescript looking militaire with fierce mustachios, in shining +jack-boots, white leathers, and a sort of Italian military cloak, with +one side thrown over the shoulder, to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the +bright scabbard of a large sword, while on the hero's left arm hung a +splendidly dressed woman. "What a figure!" said the Yorkshireman to +himself, as they came before him, and he took another good stare.--"Yet +stay--no, impossible!--Gracious Heaven! it can't be--and yet it is--by +Jove, it's Jorrocks!" + +"Why now, you old imbecile," cried he, jumping off his chairs and +running up to him, "What are you after?" bursting into a loud laugh as +he looked at Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios (a pair of great false ones). "Is +there no piece of tomfoolery too great for you? What's come across you +now? Where the deuce did you get these things?" taking hold of the curls +at one side of his mustachios. + +"How now?" roared Mr. Jorrocks with rage and astonishment. "How now! ye +young scaramouch, vot do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman in +broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality? By Jingo," added +he, his eyes sparkling with rage, "if you are not off before I can say +'dumpling' I'll run you through the gizzard and give your miserable +carcass to the dogs," suiting the action to the word, and groping +under his cloak for the hilt of his sword.--A crowd collected, and the +Yorkshireman perceiving symptoms of a scene, slunk out of the melee, and +Mr. Jorrocks, after an indignant shake or two of his feathers and curl +of his mustachios, pursued his course up the gardens. + +This was the first time they had met since their arrival, which was +above a week before; indeed, it was nine days, for the landlord of the +house where the Yorkshireman lived had sent his "little bill" two days +before this, it being an established rule of his house, and one which +was conspicuously posted in all the rooms, that the bills were to be +settled weekly; and Mr. Stubbs had that very morning observed that the +hat of Monsieur l'Hote was not raised half so high from his head, nor +his body inclined so much towards the ground as it was wont to be--a +pretty significant hint that he wanted his cash.--Now the Yorkshireman, +among his other accomplishments, had a turn for play, and unfortunately +had been at the Salon the night before, when, after continuous run +of ill-luck, he came away twelve francs below the amount of the +hotel-keeper's bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr. Jorrocks could not +have taken place at a more unfortunate moment. Thinking, however, a good +night's rest or two might settle him down, and put all matters right, +he let things alone until the Tuesday following, when again finding +Monsieur's little "memoire" on one side of his coffeecup, and a framed +copy of the "rules and regulations" of the house on the other, he +felt constrained to take some decisive step towards its liquidation. +Accordingly, having breakfasted, he combed his hair straight over his +face, and putting on a very penitential look, called a cab, and desired +the man to drive him to the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons.--After zigzagging, +twisting, and turning about in various directions, they at last jingled +to the end of a very narrow dirty-looking street, whose unswept pavement +had not been cheered by a ray of sunshine since the houses were built. +It was excessively narrow, and there were no flags on either side; but +through the centre ran a dribbling stream, here and there obstructed +by oyster-shells, or vegetable refuse, as the water had served as +a plaything for children, or been stopped by servants for domestic +purposes. The street being extremely old, of course the houses were very +large, forming, as all houses do in Paris, little squares entered by +folding doors, at one side of which, in a sort of lodge, lives the +Porter--"Parlez au Portier"--who receives letters, parcels, and +communications for the several occupiers, consisting sometimes of twenty +or thirty different establishments in one house. From this functionary +may be learned the names of the different tenants. Having dismissed his +cab, the Yorkshireman entered the first gateway on his left, to take +the chance of gaining some intelligence of the Countess. The Porter--a +cobbler by trade--was hammering away, last on knee, at the sole of a +shoe, and with a grin on his countenance, informed the Yorkshireman that +the Countess lived next door but one. A thrill of fear came over him on +finding himself so near the residence of his indignant friend, but it +was of momentary duration, and he soon entered the courtyard of No. +3--where he was directed by an unshaved grisly-looking porter, to +proceed "un troisieme," and ring the bell at the door on the right-hand +side. Obedient to his directions, the Yorkshireman proceeded to climb a +wide but dirty stone staircase, with carved and gilded balusters, whose +wall and steps had known no water for many years, and at length found +himself on the landing opposite the very apartment which contained the +redoubtable Jorrocks. Here he stood for a few seconds, breathing and +cooling himself after his exertions, during which time he pictured to +himself the worthy citizen immersed in papers deeply engaged in the +preparation of his France in three volumes, and wished that the first +five minutes of their interview were over. At length he mustered courage +to grasp a greasy-looking red tassel, and give a gentle tinkle to the +bell. The door was quickly opened by Agamemnon in dirty loose trousers +and slippers, and without a coat. He recognised his fellow-traveller, +and in answer to his inquiry if Monsieur Jorrocks was at home, grinned, +and answered, "Oh oui, certainement, Monsieur le Colonel Jorrockes est +ici," and motioned him to come in. The Yorkshireman entered the little +ante-room--a sort of scullery, full of mops, pans, dirty shoes, dusters, +candlesticks--and the first thing that caught his eye was Jorrocks's +sword, which Agamemnon had been burnishing up with sandpaper and +leather, lying on a table before the window. This was not very +encouraging, but Agamemnon gave no time for reflection, and opening half +a light salmon-coloured folding door directly opposite the one by which +he entered, the Yorkshireman passed through, unannounced and unperceived +by Mr. Jorrocks or the Countess, who were completely absorbed in a game +of dominoes, sitting on opposite sides of a common deal table, whose +rose-coloured silk cover was laid over the back of a chair. Jorrocks was +sitting on a stool with his back to the door, and the Countess being +very intent on the game, Mr. Stubbs had time for a hasty survey of the +company and apartment before she looked up. It was about one o'clock, +and of course she was still _en deshabille_, with her nightcap on, +a loose _robe de chambre_ of flannel, and a flaming broad-striped +red-and-black Scotch shawl thrown over her shoulders, and +swan's-down-lined slippers on her feet. Mr. Jorrocks had his leather +pantaloons on, with a rich blue and yellow brocade dressing-gown, and +blue morocco slippers to match. His jack-boots, to which he had added +a pair of regimental heel-spurs, were airing before a stove, which +contained the dying embers of a small log. The room was low, and +contained the usual allowance of red figured velvet-cushioned chairs, +with brass nails; the window curtains were red-and-white on rings and +gilded rods; a secretaire stood against one of the walls, and there was +a large mirror above the marble mantelpiece, which supported a clock +surmounted by a flying Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers +covered with glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet of the +newest and most approved fashion. The floor, of highly polished oak, was +strewed about with playbills, slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, +ribbons, dirty handkerchiefs, etc.; and on one side of the deal table +was a plate containing five well-picked mutton-chop bones, and hard by +lay Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios and a dirty small tooth-comb. + +Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his survey, the Countess +gave the finishing stroke to the game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a +rage, gave his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipe-clay flying +into his face. "Vous avez the devil's own luck"; exclaimed he, repeating +the blow, when, to avoid the cloud, he turned short round, and +encountered the Yorkshireman. + +"How now?" roared he at the top of his voice, "who sent for you? Have +you come here to insult me in my own house? I'll lay my soul to an +'oss-shoe, I'll be too many for ye! Where's my sword?" + +"Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks," replied the Yorkshireman very mildly, +"pray, don't put yourself into a passion--consider the lady, and don't +let us have any unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's house," +making her a very low bow as he spoke, and laying his hand on his heart. + +"D--n your displeasancies!" roared Jorrocks, "and that's swearing--a +thing I've never done since my brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece +of muffin. Out with you, I say! Out with ye! you're a nasty dirty +blackguard; I'm done with you for ever. I detest the sight of you and +hate ye afresh every time I see you!" + +"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," interposed the Countess, "ve sall play +anoder game, and you sall had von better chance," clapping him on the +back as she spoke. "I von't!" bellowed Jorrocks. "Turn this chap out +first. I'll do it myself. H'Agamemnon! H'Agamemnon! happortez my sword! +bring my sword! tout suite, directly!" + +"Police! Police! Police!" screamed the Countess out of the window; +"Police! Police! Police!" bellowed Agamemnon from the next one; "Police! +Police! Police!" re-echoed the grisly porter down below; and before +they had time to reflect on what had passed, a sergeant's file of the +National Guard had entered the hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken +possession of the apartment. The sight of the soldiers with their bright +bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as they were, cooled Mr. Jorrocks's +courage in an instant, and, after standing a few seconds in petrified +astonishment, he made a dart at his jack-boots and bolted out of the +room. The Countess Benvolio then unlocked her secretaire, in which was a +plated liqueur-stand with bottles and glasses, out of which she +poured the sergeant three, and the privates two glasses each of pure +_eau-de-vie,_ after which Agamemnon showed them the top of the stairs. + +In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and the Yorkshireman was +occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool. The Countess then began putting things +a little in order, adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured +cover--before doing which she swept off Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios, and +thrust a dirty white handkerchief and the small tooth-comb under the +cushion of a chair--while Agamemnon carried away the plate with the +bones. "Ah, le pauvre Colonel," said the Countess, eyeing the bones as +they passed, "he sall be von grand homme to eat--him eat toujours--all +day long--Oh, him mange beaucoup--beaucoup--beaucoup. He is von vare +amiable man, bot he sall not be moch patience. I guess he sall be vare +rich--n'est ce pas? have many guinea?--He say he keep beaucoup des +chiens--many dogs for the hont--he sail be vot dey call rom customer +(rum customer) in Angleterre, I think." + +Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman all sorts of stories +about the _pauvre_ Colonel, whom she seemed ready to change for a +younger piece of goods with a more moderate appetite; and finding Mr. +Stubbs more complaisant than he had been in the diligence, she concluded +by proposing that he should accompany the Colonel and herself to a +_soiree-dansante_ that evening at a friend of hers, another Countess, in +the "Rue des Bons-Enfants." + +Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on condition that the +Countess would effect a reconciliation between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, +for which purpose she at once repaired to his room, and presently +reappeared arm-in-arm with our late outrageously indignant hero. The +Colonel had been occupying his time at the toilette, and was _en grand +costume_--finely cleaned leathers, jack-boots and brass spurs, with a +spick and span new blue military frock-coat, hooking and eyeing up to +the chin, and all covered with braid, frogs, tags, and buttons. + +"Dere be von beau garcon!" exclaimed the Countess, turning him round +after having led him into the middle of the room--"dat habit does fit +you like vax." "Yes," replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising his arms as though +he were going to take flight, "but it is rather tight--partiklarly round +the waist--shouldn't like to dine in it. What do you think of it?" +turning round and addressing the Yorkshireman as if nothing had +happened--"suppose you get one like it?" "Do," rejoined the Countess, +"and some of the other things--vot you call them, Colonel?" +"What--breeches?" "Yes, breeches--but the oder name--vot you call dem?" +"Oh, leathers?" replied Mr. Jorrocks. "No, no, another name still." "I +know no other. Pantaloons, perhaps, you mean?" "No, no, not pantaloons." +"Not pantaloons?--then I know of nothing else. You don't mean these +sacks of things, called trousers?" taking hold of the Yorkshireman's. +"No, no, not trousers." "Then really, my lady, I don't know any other +name." "Oh, yes, Colonel, you know the things I intend. Vot is it you +call Davil in Angleterre?" "Oh, we have lots of names for him--Old Nick, +for instance."--"Old Nick breeches," said the Countess thoughtfully; +"no, dat sall not be it--vot else?" "Old Harry?" replied Mr. +Jorrocks.--"Old Harry breeches," repeated the Countess in the hopes of +catching the name by the ear--"no, nor dat either, encore anoder name, +Colonel." "Old Scratch, then?" "Old Scratch breeches," re-echoed the +Countess--"no, dat shall not do."--"Beelzebub?" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks. +"Beelzebub breeches," repeated the Countess--"nor dat." "Satan, then?" +said Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh oui!" responded the Countess with delight, +"satan! black satan breeches--you shall von pair of black satan +breeches, like the Colonel." + +"And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume?" said the Yorkshireman, +looking at Mr. Jorrocks. + +"I carn't," said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone; "I'm nearly cleaned out, +and shall be in Short's Gardens before I know where I am, unless I hold +better cards this evening than I've done yet. Somehow or other, these +French are rather too sharp for me, and I've been down upon my luck ever +since I came.--Lose every night, in fact, and then they are so werry +anxious for me to have my rewenge, as they call it, that they make +parties expressly for me every evening; but, instead of getting my +rewenge, I only lose more and more money.--They seem to me always to +turn up the king whenever they want him.--To-night we are going to a +Countess's of werry great consequence, and, as you know ecarte well, +I'll back your play, and, perhaps, we may do something between us." + +This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his departure, and Mr. Jorrocks +having girded on his sword, and the Countess having made her morning +toilette, they proceed to their daily promenade in the Tuileries +Gardens. + +A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman again found himself +toiling up the dirty staircase, and on reaching the third landing was +received by Agamemnon in a roomy uniform of a chasseur--dark green and +tarnished gold, with a cocked-hat and black feather, and a couteau de +chasse, slung by a shining patent-leather belt over his shoulder. The +opening of the inner door displayed the worthy Colonel sitting at his +ease, with his toes on each side of the stove (for the evenings had +begun to get cool), munching the last bit of crust of the fifth Perigord +pie that the Countess had got him to buy.--He was extremely smart; +thin black gauze-silk stockings, black satin breeches; well-washed, +well-starched white waistcoat with a rolling collar, showing an +amplitude of frill, a blue coat with yellow buttons and a velvet collar, +while his pumps shone as bright as polished steel. + +The Countess presently sidled into the room, all smirks and smiles as +dressy ladies generally are when well "got up." Rouge and the milliner +had effectually reduced her age from five and forty down to five and +twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink satin, with lilies of the +valley in her hair, and an exquisitely wrought gold armlet, with a most +Lilliputian watch in the centre. + +Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pie-crust, and stuck on his mustachios, +the Countess blew out her bougies, and the trio, preceeded by Agamemnon +with a lanthorn in his hand, descended the stairs, whose greasy, muddy +steps contrasted strangely with the rich delicacy of the Countess's +beautifully slippered feet. Having handed them into the voiture, +Agamemnon mounted up behind, and in less than ten minutes they rumbled +into the spacious courtyard of the Countess de Jackson, in the Rue des +Bons-Enfants, and drew up beneath a lofty arch at the foot of a long +flight of dirty black-and-white marble stairs, about the centre of which +was stationed a _lacquey de place_ to show the company up to the hall. +The Countess de Jackson (the wife of an English horse-dealer) lived +in an _entresol au troisieme_, but the hotel being of considerable +dimensions, her apartment was much more spacious than the Countess +Benvolio's. Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being a _marchande des +modes_, had occasion for greater accommodation, and she had five low +rooms, whereof the centre one was circular, from which four others, +consisting of an ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and _salle a manger_, +radiated. + +Agamemnon having opened the door of the _fiacre_, the Countess Benvolio +took the Yorkshireman's arm, and at once preceded to make the ascent, +leaving the Colonel to settle the fare, observing as they mounted the +stairs, that he was "von exceeding excellent man, but vare slow." + +"Madame la Contesse Benvolio and Monsieur Stoops!" cried the _lacquey de +place_ as they reached the door of the low ante-room, where the Countess +Benvolio deposited her shawl, and took a final look at herself in the +glass. She again took the Yorkshireman's arm and entered the round +ballroom, which, though low and out of all proportion, had an +exceedingly gay appearance, from the judicious arrangement of the +numerous lights, reflected in costly mirrors, and the simple elegance of +the crimson drapery, festooned with flowers and evergreens against the +gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had been the residence of an ambassador +before the first revolution, and this _entresol_ had formed the private +apartment of his Excellency. The door immediately opposite the one by +which they entered, led into the Countess de Jackson's bedroom, +which was also lighted up, with the best furniture exposed and her +toilette-table set out with numberless scent bottles, vases, trinkets, +and nick-nacks, while the _salle a manger_ was converted into a +card-room. Having been presented in due form to the hostess, the +Yorkshireman and his new friend stood surveying the gay crowd of +beautiful and well-dressed women, large frilled and well-whiskered men, +all chatting, and bowing, and dancing, when a half-suppressed titter +that ran through the room attracted their attention, and turning round, +Mr. Jorrocks was seen poking his way through the crowd with a number of +straws sticking to his feet, giving him the appearance of a feathered +Mercury. The fact was, that Agamemnon had cleaned his shoes with the +liquid varnish (french polish), and forgetting to dry it properly, the +carrying away half the straw from the bottom of the _fiacre_ was the +consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks having paid the Jehu rather short, the +latter had not cared to tell him about it. + +The straws were, however, soon removed without interruption to the +gaiety of the evening. Mr. Stubbs, of course, took an early opportunity +of waltzing with the Countess Benvolio, who, as all French women are, +was an admirable dancer, and Jorrocks stood by fingering and curling his +mustachios, admiring her movements but apparently rather jealous of the +Yorkshireman. "I wish," said he after the dance was over, "that +you would sit down at _ecarte_ and let us try to win some of these +mouncheers' tin, for I'm nearly cleaned out. Let us go into the +cardroom, but first let us see if we can find anything in the way of +nourishment, for I begin to be hungry. Garsoon," said he catching a +servant with a trayful of _eau sucree_ glasses, "avez-vous kick-shaws to +eat?" putting his finger in his mouth--"ge wouderay some refreshment." +"Oh, oui," replied the garcon taking him to an open window overlooking +the courtyard, and extending his hand in the air, "voila, monsieur, de +tres bon rafraichissement." + +The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for though composed of +shopkeepers and such like, there was nothing in their dress or manner +to indicate anything but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks, indeed, +fancied himself in the very elite of French society, and, but for a +little incident, would have remained of that opinion. In an unlucky +moment he took it into his head he could waltz, and surprised the +Countess Benvolio by claiming her hand for the next dance. "It seems +werry easy," said he to himself as he eyed the couples gliding round the +room;--"at all ewents there's nothing like trying, 'for he who never +makes an effort never risks a failure.'" The couples were soon formed +and ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a conspicuous position in +the centre of the room, buttoned his coat, and, as the music struck up, +put his arm round the waist of his partner. The Countess, it seems, had +some misgivings as to his prowess in the dancing line, and used all her +strength to get him well off, but the majority of the dancers started +before him. At length, however, he began to move, and went rolling away +in something between a gallop and a waltz, effecting two turns, like a +great cart-wheel, which brought him bang across the room, right into the +track of another couple, who were swinging down at full speed, making a +cannon with his head against both theirs, and ending by all four coming +down upon the hard boards with a tremendous crash--the Countess Benvolio +undermost, then the partner of the other Countess, then Jorrocks, and +then the other Countess herself. Great was the commotion, and the music +stopped; Jorrocks lost his wig, and split his Beelzebub breeches across +the knees, while the other gentleman cracked his behind--and the +Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were considerably damaged; +particularly the other Countess, who lost four false teeth and broke an +ear-ring. This, however, was not the worst, for as soon as they were +all scraped together and set right again, the other Countess's partner +attacked Jorrocks most furiously, calling him a _sacre-nom de-Dieu'd +bete_ of an Englishman, a mauvais sujet, a cochon, etc., then spitting +on the floor--the greatest insult a Frenchman can offer--he vapoured +about being one of the "grand nation," "that he was brave--the world +knew it," and concluded by thrusting his card--"Monsieur Charles Adolphe +Eugene, Confiturier, No. 15 bis, Rue Poupee"--into Jorrocks's face. It +was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling his fists, and getting +close to him, he held one to his nose, exclaiming, "D--n ye, sir, je +suis--JORROCKS!--Je suis an Englishman! je vous lick within an inch of +your life! --Je vous kick!--je vous mill!--je vous flabbergaster!" and +concluded by giving him his card, "Monsieur le Colonel Jorrocks, No 3, +Rue des Mauvais-Garcons." + +A friend of the confectioner's interposed and got him away, and Mr. +Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to return into the cardroom, where they +were speedily waited upon by the friend of the former, who announced +that the Colonel must make an apology or fight, for he said, although +Jorrocks was a "Colonel Anglais," still Monsieur Eugene was of the +Legion of Honour, and, consequently, very brave and not to be insulted +with impunity. All this the Yorkshireman interpreted to Mr. Jorrocks, +who was most anxious to fight, and wished it was light that they might +go to work immediately. Mr. Stubbs therefore told the confectioner's +friend (who was also his foreman), that the Colonel would fight him with +pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but no sooner was the +word "pistols" mentioned than the friend exclaimed, with a grimace and +shrug of his shoulders, "Oh horror, no! Monsieur Adolphe is brave, but +he will not touch pistols--they're not weapons of his country." +Jorrocks then proposed to fight him with broad swords, but this the +confectioner's foreman declined on behalf of his principal, and at last +the Colonel suggested that they could not do better than fight it out +with fists. Now, the confectioner was ten years younger than Jorrocks, +tall, long-armed, and not over-burthened with flesh, and had, moreover, +taken lessons of Harry Harmer, when that worthy had his school in Paris, +so he thought the offer was a good one, and immediately closed with it. +Jorrocks, too, had been a patron of the prize-ring, having studied under +Bill Richmond, the man of colour, and was reported to have exhibited +in early life (incog.) with a pugilist of some pretensions at the +Fives-court, so, all things considered, fists seemed a very proper mode +of settling the matter, and that being agreed upon, each party quitted +the Countess de Jackson's--the confectioner putting forth all manner of +high-flown ejaculations and prayers for success, as he groped about the +ante-room for his hat, and descended the stairs. "Oh! God of war!" said +he, throwing up his hands, "who guided the victorious army of this grand +nation in Egypt, when, from the pyramids, forty centuries beheld our +actions--oh, brilliant sun, who shone upon our armies at Jaffa, at +Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz, Jena, and Algiers, who blessed +our endeavours, who knowest that we are brave--brave as a hundred +lions--look down on Charles Adolphe Eugene, and enable him to massacre +and immolate on the altar of his wrath, this sacre-nom de-Dieu'd beastly +hog of an Englishman"--and thereupon he spit upon the flags with all the +venom of a viper. + +Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech, as he poked his way +home, though of a different description. "Now blister my kidneys," said +he, slapping his thigh, "but I'll sarve him out! I'll baste him as +Randall did ugly Borrock. I'll knock him about as Belcher did the Big +Ilkey Pigg. I'll damage his mug as Turner did Scroggins's. I'll fib him +till he's as black as Agamemnon--for I do feel as though I could fight a +few." + + * * * * * + +The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at the Hotel d'Hollande +had not received their morning opening, when a tremendous loud, long, +protracted rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, sounded like thunder throughout the +extensive square, and brought numerous nightcapped heads to the windows, +to see whether the hotel was on fire, or another revolution had broken +out. The _maitre d'hotel_ screamed, the porter ran, the _chef de +cuisine_ looked out of his pigeon-hole window, and the _garcons_ +and male _femmes des chambres_ rushed into the yard, with fear and +astonishment depicted on their countenances, when on peeping through the +grating of the little door, Mr. Jorrocks was descried, knocker in hand, +about to sound a second edition. Now, nothing is more offensive to the +nerves of a Frenchman than a riotous knock, and the impertinence was not +at all migitated by its proceeding from a stranger who appeared to have +arrived through the undignified medium of a co-cou.[23] Having scanned +his dimensions and satisfied himself that, notwithstanding all the +noise, Jorrocks was mere mortal man, the porter unbolted the door, +and commenced a loud and energetic tirade of abuse against "Monsieur +Anglais," for his audacious thumping, which he swore was enough to make +every man of the National Guard rush "to arms." In the midst of the +torrent, very little of which Mr. Jorrocks understood, the Yorkshireman +appeared, whom he hurried into the _co-cou_, bundled in after him, cried +"ally!" to the driver, and off they jolted at a miserably slow trot. +A little before seven they reached the village of Passy, where it +was arranged they should meet and proceed from thence to the Bois de +Boulogne, to select a convenient place for the fight; but neither the +confectioner nor his second, nor any one on his behalf, was visible and +they walked the length and breadth of the village, making every possible +inquiry without seeing or hearing anything of them. At length, having +waited a couple of hours, Mr. Jorrocks's appetite overpowered his desire +of revenge, and caused him to retire to the "Chapeau-Rouge" to indulge +in a "fork breakfast." Nature being satisfied, he called for pen and +ink, and with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew up the following proclamation +which to this day remains posted in the _salle a manger_ a copy whereof +was transmitted by post to the confectioner at Paris. + +[Footnote 23: _Co-cous_ are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs +of Paris. They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young Diligence.] + + + PROCLAMATION! + + I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram Street, in the County of Middlesex, + Member of the Surrey Hunt, in England, and Colonel of the Army when + I'm in France, having been grossly insulted by Charles Adolphe + Eugene of No. 15 bis, Rue Poupee, confectioner, this day repaired + to Passy, with the intention of sarving him out with my fists; but, + neither he nor any one for him having come to the scratch, I, John + Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said Charles Adolphe Eugene to be a + shabby fellow and no soldier, and totally unworthy the notice of a + fox-hunter and a gentleman sportsman. + + (Signed) JOHN JORROCKS. + + (Countersigned) STUBBS. + +This being completed, and the bill paid, they returned leisurely on foot +to Paris, looking first at one object, then at another, so that the +Countess Benvolio's dinner-hour was passed ere they reached the +Tuileries Gardens, where after resting themselves until it began to get +dusk, and their appetites returned, they repaired to the Cafe de Paris +to destroy them again.--The lofty well-gilded salon was just lighted up, +and the numberless lamps reflected in costly mirrors in almost every +partition of the wall, aided by the graceful figures and elegant dresses +of the ladies, interspersed among the sombre-coated gentry, with here +and there the gay uniforms of the military, imparted a fairy air to the +scene, which was not a little heightened by the contrast produced by Mr. +Jorrocks's substantial figure, stumping through the centre with his hat +on his head, his hands behind his back, and the dust of the day hanging +about his Hessians. + +"Garsoon," said he, hanging up his hat, and taking his place at a vacant +table laid for two, "ge wouderai some wittles," and, accordingly, the +spruce-jacketed, white-aproned _garcon_ brought him the usual red-backed +book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the side, like the index to +a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks said, "containing reading enough for a +month." "Quelle potage voulez vous, monsieur?" inquired the _garcon_ at +last, tired of waiting while he studied the _carte_ and looked the words +out in the dictionary. "_Avez-vous_ any potted lobster?" "Non," said the +_garcon_, "potage au vermicelle, au riz, a la Julienne, consomme, et +potage aux choux." "Old shoe! who the devil do you think eats old shoes +here? Have you any mock turtle or gravy soup?" "Non, monsieur," said the +_garcon_ with a shrug of the shoulders. "Then avez-vous any roast +beef?" "Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au naturel--boeuf a la sauce +piquante--boeuf aux cornichons--boeuf a la mode--boeuf aux choux--boeuf +a la sauce tomate--bifteck aux pommes de terre." "Hold hard," said +Jorrocks; "I've often heard that you can dress an egg a thousand ways, +and I want to hear no more about it; bring me a beef-steak and pommes +de terre for three." "Stop!" cried Mr. Stubbs, with dismay--"I see you +don't understand ordering a dinner in France --let me teach you. Where's +the _carte?_" "Here," said Mr. Jorrocks, "is 'the bill of lading,'" +handing over the book.--"Garcon, apportez une douzaine des huitres, un +citron, et du beurre frais," said the Yorkshireman, and while they were +discussing the propriety of eating them before or after the soup, a +beautiful dish of little green oysters made their appearance, which were +encored before the first supply was finished. "Now, Colonel," said the +Yorkshireman, "take a bumper of Chablis," lifting a pint bottle out of +the cooler. "It has had one plunge in the ice-pail and no more--see what +a delicate rind it leaves on the glass!" eyeing it as he spoke. "Ay, but +I'd rayther it should leave something in the mouth than on the side +of the glass," replied Mr. Jorrocks; "I loves a good strong generous +wine--military port, in fact--but here comes fish and soup--wot are +they?" "Filet de sole au gratin, et potage au macaroni avec fromage de +Parmesan. I'll take fish first, because the soup will keep hot longest." +"So will I," said Mr. Jorrocks, "for I think you understand the +thing--but they seem to give werry small penn'orths--it really +looks like trifling with one's appetite--I likes the old joint--the +cut-and-come-again system, such as we used to have at Sugden's in +Cornhill--joint, wegitables, and cheese all for two shillings." "Don't +talk of your joints here," rejoined the Yorkshireman--"I told you +before, you don't understand the art of eating--the dexterity of the +thing consists in titivating the appetite with delicate morsels so as to +prolong the pleasure. A well-regulated French dinner lasts two hours, +whereas you go off at score, and take the shine out of yourself before +you turn the Tattenham Corner of your appetite. But come, take another +glass of Chablis, for your voice is husky as though your throat was full +of dust.--Will you eat some of this boulli-vert?" "No, not no bouleward +for me thank ye." "Well, then, we will have the 'entree de +boeuf--beef with sauce tomate--and there is a cotelette de veau en +papillotte;--which will you take?" "I'll trouble the beef, I think; I +don't like that 'ere pantaloon cutlet much, the skin is so tough." "Oh, +but you don't eat the paper, man; that is only put on to keep this nice +layer of fat ham from melting; take some, if it is only that you may +enjoy a glass of champagne after it. There is no meat like veal for +paving the way for a glass of champagne." "Well, I don't care if I do, +now you have explained how to eat it, for I've really been troubled with +indigestion all day from eating one wholesale yesterday; but don't you +stand potatoes--pommes de terre, as we say in France?" "Oh yes, fried, +and a la maitre d'hotel; here they come, smoking hot. Now, J---- for a +glass of champagne--take it out of the pail--nay, man! not with both +hands round the middle, unless you like it warm--by the neck, so," +showing him how to do it and pouring him a glass of still champagne. +"This won't do," said Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle; "garsoon! +garsoon!--no good--no bon--no fizzay, no fizzay," giving the bottom of +the bottle a slap with his hand to rouse it. "Oh, but this is still +champagne," explained the Yorkshireman, "and far the best." "I +don't think so," retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the glass into his +water-stand. "Well, then, have a bottle of the other," rejoined the +Yorkshireman, ordering one. "And who's to pay for it?" inquired Mr. +Jorrocks. "Oh, never mind that--care killed the cat--give a loose to +pleasure for once, for it's a poor heart that never rejoices. Here it +comes, and 'may you never know what it is to want,' as the beggar boys +say.--Now, let's see you treat it like a philosopher--the wire is off, +so you've nothing to do but cut the string, and press the cork on one +side with your thumb.--Nay! you've cut both sides!" Fizz, pop, bang, +and away went the cork close past the ear of an old deaf general, and +bounded against the wall.--"Come, there's no mischief done, so pour out +the wine.--Your good health, old boy, may you live for a thousand years, +and I be there to count them! --Now, that's what I call good," observed +the Yorkshireman, holding up his glass, "see how it dulls the glass, +even to the rim--champagne isn't worth a copper unless it's iced--is +it, Colonel?" "Vy, I don't know--carn't say I like it so werry cold; it +makes my teeth chatter, and cools my courage as it gets below--champagne +certainly gives one werry gentlemanly ideas, but for a continuance, I +don't know but I should prefer mild hale." "You're right, old boy, it +does give one very gentlemanly ideas, so take another glass, and you'll +fancy yourself an emperor.--Your good health again." "The same to you, +sir. And now wot do you call this chap?" "That is a quail, the other a +snipe--which will you take?" "Vy, a bit of both, I think; and do you +eat these chaps with them?" "Yes, nothing nicer--artichokes a la sauce +blanche; you get the real eating part, you see, by having them sent up +this way, instead of like haystacks, as they come in England, diving and +burning your fingers amid an infinity of leaves." "They are werry pretty +eating, I must confess; and this upper Binjamin of ham the birds are +cooked in is delicious. I'll trouble you for another plateful." "That's +right, Colonel, you are yourself again. I always thought you would come +back into the right course; and now you are good for a glass of claret +of light Hermitage. Come, buck up, and give a loose to pleasure for +once." "For once, ay, that's what you always say; but your once comes so +werry often." "Say no more.--Garcon! un demi-bouteille de St. Julien; +and here, J----, is a dish upon which I will stake my credit as an +experienced caterer--a Charlotte de pommes--upon my reputation it is +a fine one, the crust is browned to a turn, and the rich apricot +sweet-meat lies ensconced in the middle, like a sleeping babe in its +cradle. If ever man deserved a peerage and a pension it is this cook." +"It's werry delicious--order another." "Oh, your eyes are bigger than +your stomach, Mr. J----. According to all mathematical calculations, +this will more than suffice. Ay, I thought so--you are regularly at a +stand-still. Take a glass of whatever you like. Good--I'll drink Chablis +to your champagne. And now, that there may be no mistake as to our +country, we will have some cheese--fromage de Roquefort, Gruyere, +Neufchatel, or whatever you like--and a beaker of Burgundy after, and +then remove the cloth, for I hate dabbling in dowlas after dinner is +done." "Rum beggars these French," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, laying +down the newspaper, and taking a sip of Churchman's chocolate, as on the +Sunday morning he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls and +butter, with _Galignani's Messenger_, for breakfast. + +"Rum beggars, indeed," said he, resuming the paper, and reading the +programme of the amusements for the day, commencing with the hour of +Protestant service at the Ambassador's Chapel, followed on by Palace and +Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal--Review with Military Music in +the Place du Carousel--Horse-races in the Champs de Mars--Fete in the +Park of St. Cloud--Combat d'Animaux, that is to say, dog-fighting and +bull-baiting, at the Barriere du Combat, Tivoli, etc., etc., "It's not +werry right, but I suppose at Rome we must do as Romans do," with which +comfortable reflection Mr. Jorrocks proposed that the Countess and +he should go to the races. Madame was not partial to animals of any +description, but having got a new hat and feathers she consented to show +them, on condition that they adjoined to the fete at St. Cloud in the +evening. + +Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a neighbouring English +livery-stable drew up a dark-coloured job cab, with a red-and-white +striped calico lining, drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse, at +the Countess's gateway in the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons, into which Mr. +Jorrocks having handed her ladyship, and Agamemnon, who was attired in +his chasseur uniform, having climbed up behind, the old horse, after two +or three flourishes of his dirty white tail, as a sort of acknowledgment +of the whip on his sides, got himself into motion, and proceeded on +his way to the races. The Countess being resolved to cut a dash, had +persuaded our hero to add a smart second-hand cocked-hat, with a flowing +red-and-white feather, to the rest of his military attire; and the end +of a scarlet handkerchief, peeping out at the breast of his embroidered +frock-coat, gave him the appearance of wearing a decoration, and +procured him the usual salute from the soldiers and veterans of the +Hospital of Invalids, who were lounging about the ramparts and walks of +the edifice. The Countess's costume was simple and elegant; a sky-blue +satin pelisse with boots to match, and a white satin bonnet with white +feathers, tipped with blue, and delicate primrose-coloured gloves. Of +course the head of the cab was well thrown back to exhibit the elegant +inmates to the world. + +Great respect is paid to the military in France, as Mr. Jorrocks found +by all the hack, cab, and _fiacre _ drivers pulling up and making way +for him to pass, as the old crocodile-backed white horse slowly dragged +its long length to the gateway of the Champ de Mars. Here the guard, +both horse and foot, saluted him, which he politely acknowledged, +under direction of the Countess, by raising his _chapeau bras_, and a +subaltern was dispatched by the officer in command to conduct him to +the place appointed for the carriages to stand. But for this piece of +attention Mr. Jorrocks would certainly have drawn up at the splendid +building of the Ecole Militaire, standing as it does like a grand stand +in the centre of the gravelly dusty plain of the Champ de Mars. The +officer, having speared his way through the crowd with the usual +courtesy of a Frenchman, at length drew up the cab in a long line of +anonymous vehicles under the rows of stunted elms by the stone-lined +ditch, on the southern side of the plain when, turning his charger +round, he saluted Mr. Jorrocks, and bumped off at a trot. Mr. Jorrocks +then stuck the pig-driving whip into the socket, and throwing forward +the apron, handed out the Countess, and installed Agamemnon in the cab. + +A fine day and a crowd make the French people thoroughly happy, and on +this afternoon the sun shone brightly and warmly on the land;--still +there was no apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the +multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon the plain, or lined the +grass-burnt mounds at the sides, in most independent parties. The Champ +de Mars forms a regular parallelogram of 2700 feet by 1320, and the +course, which is of an oblong form, comprises a circuit of the whole, +and is marked out with strong posts and ropes. Within the course, +equestrians--or more properly speaking, "men on horseback"--are admitted +under the surveillance of a regiment of cavalry, while infantry and +cavalry are placed in all directions with drawn swords and fixed +bayonets to preserve order. Being a gravelly sandy soil, in almost daily +requisition for the exercise and training of troops, no symptoms of +vegetation can be expected, and the course is as hard as the ride in +Rotten Row or up to Kensington Gardens. + +About the centre of the south side, near where the carriages were +drawn up, a few temporary stands were erected for the royal family and +visitors, the stand for the former being in the centre, and hung with +scarlet and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully arranged with +tri-coloured drapery. These are entered by tickets only, but there +are always plenty of platforms formed by tables and "chaises a louer" +(chairs to let) for those who don't mind risking their necks for a +sight. Some few itinerants tramped about the plain, offering alternately +tooth-picks, play-bills, and race-lists for sale. Mr. Jorrocks, of +course, purchased one of the latter, which was decorated at the top with +a woodcut, representing three jockeys riding two horses, one with a whip +as big as a broad sword. We append the list as a specimen of "Sporting +in France," which, we are sorry to see, does not run into our pages +quite so cleverly as our printer could wish.[24] + +[Footnote 24: Racing in France is, of course, now a very different +business to the primitive sport it was when this sketch was +written.--EDITOR.] + +Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every good-looking horse, and +every well-built carriage, met on the Continent, as their own, but we +think that few would be ambitious of laying claim to the honour of +supplying France with jockeys or racehorses. Mr. Jorrocks, indeed, +indifferent as he is to the affairs of the turf, could not suppress his +"conwiction" of the difference between the flibberty-gibberty appearance +of the Frenchmen, and the quiet, easy, close-sitting jockeys of +Newmarket. The former all legs and elbows, spurting and pushing to the +front at starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and nankeen shorts, just +like the frowsy door-keepers of an Epsom gambling-booth; the latter in +clean, neat-fitting leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new +jackets, feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the rear, with their +whip hands resting on their thighs. Then such riding! A hulking Norman +with his knees up to his chin, and a long lean half-starved looking +Frenchman sat astride like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to +his knees before starting, followed by a runaway English stable lad, in +white cords and drab gaiters, and half a dozen others equally singular, +spurring and tearing round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into +each other's faces, until the field was so separated as to render it +difficult to say which was leading and which was tailing, for it is one +of the rules of their races, that each heat must be run in a certain +time, consequently, though all the horses may be distanced, the winner +keeps working away. Then what an absence of interest and enthusiasm on +the part of the spectators! Three-fourths of them did not know where the +horses started, scarcely a man knew their names, and the few tenpenny +bets that were made, were sported upon the colour of the jackets. A +Frenchman has no notion of racing, and it is on record that after a heat +in which the winning horse, after making a waiting race, ran in at the +finish, a Parisian observed, that "although 'Annette' had won at the +finish, he thought the greater honour was due to 'Hercule,' he having +kept the lead the greater part of the distance." On someone explaining +to him that the jockey on Annette had purposely made a waiting race, he +was totally incredulous, asserting that he was sure the jockeys had too +much _amour-propre_ to remain in the rear at any part of the race, when +they might be in front. + + + +X. SPORTING IN FRANCE + +PROGRAMME DES COURSES DE CHEVAUX + +QUI AURONT LIEU AU CHAMP-DE-MARS LE DIMANCHE A UNE HEURE, +EN PRESENCE DE LL. MM. LE ROI ET LA REINE, ET DES PRINCES DE LA FAMILLE ROYALE + +DEUX PRIX ROYAUX ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +| NOMS | SIGNALEMENS | NOMS |POIDS |NOMS | COSTUMES | +|Des Chevaux | Et Ages | Des |a |Des |Des Jockeys | +| | | Proprietaires |porter|Jockeys | | ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +|Prix royal de 5000 fr. pour les chevaux et jumens de deuxieme espece.--En | +| partie liee | +| | | | | | | +|Moina |Bai-clair-4 |Haras de Meudon |102 l.|Tom |Veste rouge | +| | | | | Hall |toque tricolore | +|Corisandre |Bai-brun-5 |M. Bonvie fils |115 |Tom |Veste orange, | +| | | | |Wilson |manches et toque| +| | | | | |noires. | +|Flore |Bai-cerise-4 |M. de Laroque |102 |Tony |Veste noire, | +| | | | |Montel |manches blanches| +| | | | | |toque noire. | +|Eleanor |Alezan-brule-5|M. de Royere |112 |Bernou |Veste verte, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +|Diomede |Bai-4 |M. le baron de |105 |Baptiste|Veste bleue, | +| | | la Bastide | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl. et j. | +|Cirus |Bai-brun-5 |Lord Seymour |115 |North |Veste orange, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +|Aline |Bai-clair-4 |M. Noel |102 |Tom |Veste ponceau, | +| | | | | |manches blanches| +| | | | | | toque bleue. | +|Leonie |Alezan-dore-5 |M. Belhomme |112 |Pichon |Veste jaune, | +| | | | | | toque verte | +| | | | | | | +| | | | | | | +|Prix royal de 6ooo fr. pour les chevaux de premiere espece.--En partie liee | +| | | | | | | +|Young-Milton|Bai-4 |M. Fasquel |105 l.|Tom Webb|Veste et toque | +| | | | | | noires. | +|Mouna |Bai-clair-4 |M. de Laroque |102 |Tony |Veste noire, | +| | | | | Montal |manches blanches| +| | | | | |toque noire | +|Pamela |Bai-4 |Heras de Meudon |102 |Tom Hall|Veste rouge, | +| | | | | |toque tricolore.| +|Egle |Gris-sanguin-5|Lord Seymour |112 |Mous |Veste orange, | +| | | | | | toque noire | +|Cederic |Bai-5 |M. le baron de |115 |Baptiste|Veste bleue, | +| | | la Bastide | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl. et ja.| +|Young-Tandem|Bai-cerise-4 |M. Schickler |105 |Webb |Veste rouge, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +| | | | | | | +|Oubiou |Alezan-6 |MM. Salvador et |121 |Tom |Veste bleue, | +| | | Tassinari | | Johns |manches blanches| +| | | | | | | +| | | | | |toque rouge. | +|Coradin |Bai-5 |M. Moreil |115 |Rene |Veste bleue, | +| | | | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl.&jaune.| ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +|Nota. Les chevaux de premiere espece sont ceux nes en France de peres et | +|meres etrangers: ceux de la deuxieme espece sont ceux nes de peres et | +|meres Francais ou seulement de l'un des deux.--Chaque epreuve comprendra | +|les deux tours du Champs de Mars.--Les courses commenceront par la | +|premiere epreuve des chevaux de deuxieme espece.--La seconde course se | +|fera pour la premiere epreuve des chevaux de premiere espece: suivie de | +|la deuxieme epreuve des chevaux de deuxieme espece: et elles seront | +|terminees par la deuxieme epreuve des chevaux de premiere espece. | ++-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ + + ======================================================================== + Transcriber's note: The original document contains an additional column + that could not be squeezed into the 80 characters allowed in this + format. That column shows the pedigree of the horses, as follows: + + Moina: Issu de Candide et de Miltonia. + Corisandre: Issu d'Holbein et de Lisbeth. + Flore: Issue de Tigris et Biche. + Eleanor: Issue de Moulay et de Cadette. + Diomede: Issu de Premium et de Gabrielle. + Cirus: Issu de Toley et de Miss. + Aline: Issue de Snail et d'une jument Normande. + Leonie: Issue de Massoud et d'une fille de D-y-o. + + Young-Milton: Issu de Milton et de Betzi. + Mouna: Issu de Rainbow et de Mouna. + Pamela: Issue de Candid et Geane + Egle: Issue de Rainbow and Young-Urganda. + Cederic: Issue de Candid et Prestesse. + Young-Tandem: Issu de Multum-in-Parvo et d'Oida. + Oubiou: Issu d'Oubiou et d'une fille de Stradlamlad. + Coradin: Issu de Candid et de Prestesse. + ======================================================================= + + +"Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, curling his mustachios +and jingling a handful of five-franc pieces in the pocket of his +leathers--"moderate sport indeed," and therefore he turned his back to +the course and walked the Countess off towards the cab. + +From beneath a low tenth-rate-looking booth, called "The Cottage of +Content," supported by poles placed on the stunted trees of the avenue, +and exhibiting on a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in British beer," in +gilt letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring about odds, +and weights and scales, and on looking in, a score of ragamuffin-looking +grooms, imitation jockeys, and the usual hangers-on of the racehorses +and livery-stables, were seen drinking beer, smoking, playing at cards, +dice, and chuck-farthing. Before the well-patched canvas curtain that +flapped before the entrance, a crowd had collected round one of the +horses which was in the care of five or six fellows, one to hold him, +another to whistle to him, a third to whisk the flies away with a +horse's tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his mouth +out,--while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking fellow, in his +shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue apron and trousers (more like a +gardener than a groom), walked round and round with mystified dignity, +sacreing and muttering, "Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas," as anyone +approached who seemed likely to ask questions. Mr. Jorrocks, having well +ascertained the importance of his hat and feather, pushed his way with +the greatest coolness into the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse +and see whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and the stud-groom +immediately took off his lavender-coloured foraging cap, and made two +profound salaams, one to the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr. +Jorrocks, all politeness, took off his _chapeau_, and no sooner was it +in the air, than with a wild exclamation of surprise and delight, the +groom screamed, "Oh, Monsieur Shorrock, mon ami, comment vous portez +vous?" threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed him on each +cheek. + +"Hold!" roared the Colonel, half smothered in the embrace, and +disengaging himself he drew back a few paces, putting his hand on the +hilt of his sword, when in the training groom of Paris he recognised his +friend the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the incident disarmed +Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being a man of impulse and warm +affections, he at once forgave the novelty of the embrace, and most +cordially joined hands with those of his friend. They then struck up a +mixture of broken English and equally broken French, in mutual inquiries +after each other's healths and movements, and presuming that Mr. +Jorrocks was following up the sporting trade in Paris, the Baron most +considerately gave him his best recommendations which horse to back, +kindly betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, at each time +assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. At length, being completely +cleaned out, he declined any further transactions, and having got the +Countess into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself, when +someone took him by the sword as he was hoisting himself up by the +wooden apron, and drew him back to the ground. "Holloa, Stubbs, my +boy!" cried he, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out his hand, and +thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the Countess. "Well now, the +deuce be in these French," observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an +undertone as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm through +the Yorkshireman's and drew out of hearing of the Countess behind the +cab--"the deuce be in them. I say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met +at Newmarket has just diddled me out of four Naps and a half, by getting +me to back 'osses that he said were certain to win, and I really don't +know how we are to make 'tongue and buckle' meet, as the coachmen say. +Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. Cards, dominoes, dice, +backgammon, and racing, all one--they inwariably beat me, and I declare +I haven't as much pewter as will coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, +as may be supposed, was not in a condition of any great pecuniary +assistance, but after a turn or two along the mound, he felt it would +be a reproach on his country if he suffered his friend to be done by +a Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a trick that Monsieur +would not be up to. Accordingly, desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to +the Baron, and behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal +he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, who, after some +trouble, they discovered in the "Cottage of Content," entertaining John +Jones and his comrades with an account of the manner in which he had +fleeced Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshireman met him with the greatest +delight, shook hands with him over and over again, and then began +talking about racing, pigeon-shooting, and Newmarket, pretended to be +full of money, and very anxious for the Baron's advice in laying it out. +On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him to retire, and joining him in +the avenue, walked him up and down, while he recommended his backing a +horse that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman consented, lost a Nap +with great good humour, and banteringly told the Baron he thought he +could beat the horse on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing and +at last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. Jorrocks would run +fifty yards with him on his back, before the Baron would run a hundred. +Upon this the Baron scratched his head and looked very knowing, +pretended to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman affected fear, +and professed his readiness to withdraw the offer. The Baron then +plucked up his courage, and after some haggling, the match was made for +six Naps, the Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might have ten francs in +addition to what he had won of Mr. Jorrocks and himself. The money was +then deposited in the hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went the +trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and ropes to measure and +keep the ground. The English jockeys and lads, though ready enough to +pigeon a countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting a foreigner +to do so, unless they share in the spoil, and the Baron being a +notorious screw, they all seemed heartily glad to find him in a trap. +Out then they all sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while John Jones, +with a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded to measure a hundred yards along +the low side of the mound. This species of amusement being far more in +accordance with the taste of the French than anything in which horses +are concerned, an immense mob flocked to the scene, and the Baron +having explained how it was, and being considered a safe man to follow, +numerous offers were made to bet against the performance of the match. +The Yorkshireman being a youth of discretion and accustomed to bet among +strangers, got on five Naps more with different parties, who to "prevent +accidents" submitted to deposit the money with the Countess, and all +things being adjusted, and the course cleared by a picket of infantry, +Mr. Jorrocks ungirded his sword, and depositing it with his frock-coat +in the cab, walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start. "Now, +Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him to the mound, so that he +might leap on without shaking him, "put your best leg first, and it's a +hollow thing; if you don't fall, you must win,"--and thereupon taking +Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather from his head, he put it sideways +on his own, so that he might not be recognised, and mounted his man. Mr. +Jorrocks then took his place as directed by John Jones, and at a signal +from him--the dropping of a blue cotton handkerchief--away they started +amid the shouts, the clapping of hands, and applause of the spectators, +who covered the mound and lined the course on either side. Mr. +Jorrocks's action was not very capital, his jack-boots and leathers +rather impeding his limbs, while the Baron had as little on him as +decency would allow. The Yorkshireman feeling his man rather roll at the +start, again cautioned him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards he +got into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron came tearing along +like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks had full two yards to spare, +and ran past the soldier, who stood with his cap on his bayonet as +a winning-post, amid the applause of his backers, the yells of his +opponents, and the general acclamation of the spectators. + +The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, had dispatched +Agamemnon early in the day for a chaplet of red-and-yellow immortelles, +and having switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, she +gracefully descended, without showing more of her foot and ankle than +was strictly correct, and decorated his brow with the wreath, as the +Yorkshireman dismounted. Enthusiasm being always the order of the day in +France, this act was greeted with the loudest acclamations, and, without +giving him time to recover his wind, the populace bundled Mr. Jorrocks +neck and shoulders into the cab, and seizing the old horse by the head, +paraded him down the entire length of the Champ de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks +bowing and kissing his hands to the assembled multitude, in return +for the vivas! the clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and +handkerchiefs that greeted him as he went. + +Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country more fickle than +in France. Ere the procession reached the end of the dusty plain, the +mob had tailed off very considerably, and as the leader of the old white +horse pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the distance, +caused by the apprehension of a couple of pickpockets, drew away the few +followers that remained, and the recently applauded and belauded Mr. +Jorrocks was left alone in his glory. He then pulled up, and taking +the chaplet of immortelles from his brow, thrust it under the driving +cushion of the cab, and proceeded to reinstate himself in his tight +military frock, re-gird himself with his sword, and resume the cocked +hat and feather. + +Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, and, had a pen and +ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would have endorsed him a bill for any +amount. Having completed his toilette he gave the Yorkshireman the +vacant seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the ears with +the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up the line he had recently +passed in triumphal procession, and wormed his way among the crowd in +search of the Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of her, +and after driving about, and poking his way on foot into all the crowds +he could find, bolting up to every lady in blue, he looked at his great +double-cased gold repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and +recollecting the fete of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship must have +gone on, and Agamemnon being anxious to see it, of course was of the +same opinion; so, again flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut +away down the Champ de Mars, and by the direction of Agamemnon crossed +the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, and gained the route to Versailles. + +Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the road swarmed with +voitures of every description, diligences, gondoles, co-cous, cabs, +fiacres, omnibuses, dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, +occasionally interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light English +cab or tilbury, drawn by a thoroughbred, and driven by a dandy. The +spirit of the old white horse even seemed roused as he got among the +carriages and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of bells +round the necks of other horses, and he applied himself to the shafts +with a vigour his enfeebled-looking frame appeared incapable of +supplying. So they trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's +pace after they got into close line, they reached the porte Maillot, +and resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, Mr. Jorrocks got +himself brushed over by one of the gentry who ply in that profession at +all public places, and tucking his sword under one arm, he thrust the +other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-Bull-like, strutted up the long +broad grass avenue, through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud, as if +all he saw belonged to himself. The scene was splendid, and nature, art, +and the weather appeared confederated for effect. On the lofty heights +arose the stately place, looking down with placid grandeur on the full +foliage of the venerable trees, over the beautiful gardens, the spouting +fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay and countless myriads that +swarmed the avenues, while the circling river flowed calmly on, without +a ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of trumpets, the +clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums, that rent the air around. + +Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every description--wild +beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and monsters, while in +spots sheltered from the sun by lofty trees were dancing-places, +swings, roundabouts, archery-butts, pistol-ranges, ball-kicking and +head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants of fairs +and fetes--beating "Bartlemy Fair," as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, +"all to nothing." + +The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in such a multitude was very +remote indeed, but, to tell the truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought +of her, until having eat a couple of cold fowls and drank a bottle of +porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for his purse, and +remembered it was in her keeping. Mr. Stubbs, however, settled the +account, and in high glee Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, +visiting first one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, then +dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short before a splendid +green-and-gold roundabout, whose magic circle contained two lions, two +swans, two black horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. "Let's have a ride," +said he, jumping on to one of the black horses and adjusting the +stirrups to his length. The party was soon made up, and as the last +comer crossed his tiger, the engine was propelled by the boys in the +centre, and away they went at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr. Jorrocks +lost his head, turned completely giddy, and bellowed out to them to +stop. They took no heed--all the rest were used to it--and after divers +yells and ineffectual efforts to dismount, he fell to the ground like a +sack. The machine was in full work at the time, and swept round three or +four times before they could stop it. At last Mr. Stubbs got to him, +and a pitiable plight he was in. He had fallen on his head, broken his +feather, crushed his chapeau bras, lost off his mustachios, was as pale +as death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident happened near the +gate leading to the town of St. Cloud, and thither, with the aid of two +gendarmes, Mr. Stubbs conveyed the fallen hero, and having put him to +bed at the Hotel d'Angleterre, he sent for a "medecin," who of course +shook his head, looked very wise, ordered him to drink warm water--a +never-failing specific in France--and keep quiet. Finding he had an +Englishman for a patient, the "medecin" dropped in every two hours, +always concluding with the order "encore l'eau chaud." A good sleep did +more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, and when the "medecin" called +in the morning, and repeated the injunction "encore l'eau chaud," he +bellowed out, "Cuss your _l'eau chaud_, my stomach ain't a reserwoir! +Give me some wittles!" The return of his appetite being a most +favourable symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged the doctor, and forthwith +ordered a _dejeuner a la fourchette_, to which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty +fair justice, though trifling in comparison with his usual performances. +They then got into a Versailles diligence that stopped at the door, and +rattling along at a merry pace, very soon reached Paris and the Rue des +Mauvais-Garcons. + +"Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks as they arrived at the +bottom of the flight of dirty stairs, and, with his hands behind his +back and his sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and opening +the outer door entered the apartment. He passed through the small +ante-room without observing his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, +and there being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he walked +forward into the bedroom beyond. + +Before an English fire-place that Mr. Jorrocks himself had been at the +expense of providing, snugly ensconced in the luxurious depths of a +well-cushioned easy chair, sat a monstrous man with a green patch on his +right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey woollen dressing-gown, +and black silk nightcap, puffing away at a long meerschaum pipe, with +a figure of Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected Mr. Jorrocks +started back, but the smoker seemed quite unconcerned, and casting an +unmeaning grey eye at the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from +his mouth. + +"How now!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a rage, which caused the +monster to start upon his legs as though he were galvanised. "Vot brings +you here?" + +"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker, opening his eye a little +wider, and taking the pipe from his mouth. "Speak English, you fool," +bawled Mr. Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschaemt" (you are very +impudent), replied the Dutchman with a thump on the table. "I'll run +you through the gizzard!" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, half drawing his +sword,--"skin you alive, in fact!" when in rushed the Countess and threw +herself between them. + +Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of Flushing, was an old friend +of the Countess's, and an exceedingly good paying one, and having cast +up that morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence from Dunkirk, +and the Countess being enraged at Mr. Jorrocks for not sharing the +honours of his procession in the cab on the previous day, and believing, +moreover, that his treasury was pretty well exhausted, thought she could +not do better than instal Rosembom in his place, and retain the stakes +she held for the Colonel's board and lodging. + +This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving Rosembom, who was +not a much better Frenchman than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the +room would be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon was ordered to bundle +Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau and bag, and place them in +readiness in the ante-room. Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then +retired to enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went to the +Marche St. Honore to buy some sour crout, roast beef, and prunes for his +dinner. + +"Turn this great slush-bucket out of my room!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as +the Countess rushed into his apartment. "Vot's he doing here?" + +"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clapping him on the back, "he +sall be my brodder." "Never such a thing!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing +him as he spoke. "Never such a thing! no more than myself--out with him, +I say, or I'll cut my stick--_toute suite--_directly!" + +"Avec tout mon coeur!" replied the Countess, her choler rising as she +spoke. "You're another," rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner +that she called him something offensive--"Vous ete one mauvaise woman!" +"Monsieur," said the Countess, her eyes flashing as she spoke, "vous +etes un polisson!--von rascal!--von dem villain!--un charlatan!--von +nasty--bastely--ross bif!--dem dog!" and thereupon she curled her +fingers and set her teeth on edge as though she would tear his very eyes +out. Rosembom, though he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, +exchanged his pipe for the poker, so what with this, the sword, and the +nails, things wore a very belligerent aspect. + +Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess, still keeping up the +semblance of her rage, ordered them to quit her apartment directly, or +she would have recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs was +quite agreeable to go, but he hinted that she might as well hand over +the stakes that had been entrusted to her keeping on the previous day, +upon which she again indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore they were +a couple of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her far more than the +amount for board and lodging. This made the Colonel stare, for on the +supposition that he was a visitor, he had been firing away his money in +all directions, playing at everything she proposed, buying her bonnets, +Perigord pies, hiring remises, and committing every species of +extravagance, and now to be charged for what he thought was pure +friendship, disgusted him beyond expression. + +The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the man of letters of the +establishment, and with his aid drew Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he +described as "reaching down each side of his body and round his waist," +commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then proceeding in the daily +routine of cafe, 1 franc; dejeuner a la fourchette, 5 francs; diner +avec vin, 10 francs; tea, 1 franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2 francs; +appartement, 3 francs; running him up a bill of 700 francs; and when Mr. +Stubbs remonstrated on the exorbitance of the charges, she replied, "It +sall be, sare, as small monnaie as sail be consistent avec my dignified +respectability, you to charge." + +There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs paid the balance, +while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the duplicity of the Countess, the +impudence of Rosembom, and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted away +without saying a word. + +That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from the capital, with two +cold fowls, three-quarters of a yard of bread, and a bottle of porter, +for Mr. Jorrocks on the journey, and ere another sun went down, the +sandy suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her ramparts, and +rumbling over the drawbridges and under the portcullis, that guard the +entrance to her gloomy town. Calais! cold, cheerless, lifeless Calais! +Whose soul has ever warmed as it approached thy town? but how many +hearts have turned with sickening sorrow from the mirthless tinkling of +thy bells! + +"We'll not stay here long I guess," said Mr. Jorrocks as the diligence +pulled up at the post-office, and the conducteur requested the +passengers to descend. "That's optional," said a bystander, who was +waiting for his letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air as much as +to say, what a rum-looking fellow you are, and not without reason, for +the Colonel was attired in a blue sailor's jacket, white leathers, +and jack-boots, with the cocked hat and feather. The speaker was a +middle-aged, middle-statured man, with a quick intelligent eye, dressed +in a single-breasted green riding-coat, striped toilinette waistcoat, +and drab trousers, with a whip in his hand. "Thank you for nothing!" +replied Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker +turned to the clerk and asked if there were any letters for Monsieur +Apperley or Nimrod. "NIMROD!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his +knees as though he were shot. "Oh my vig what have I done? Oh dear! oh +dear! what a dumbfounderer--flummoxed I declare!" + +"Hold up! old 'un," said Nimrod in astonishment; "why, what's the matter +now? You don't owe me anything I dare say!" + +"Owe you anything! yes, I does," said Mr. Jorrocks, rising from +the ground, "I owes you a debt of gratitude that I can never wipe +off--you'll be in the day-book and ledger of my memory for ever and a +year." + +"Who are you?" inquired Nimrod, becoming more and more puzzled, as he +contrasted his dialect with his dress. + +"Who am I? Why, I'm Mister Jorrocks." + +"Jorrocks, by Jove! Who'd have thought it! I declare I took you for +a horse-marine. Give us your hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your +acquaintance." + +"Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you the werry first man +of the age!"--and thereupon they shook hands with uncommon warmth. + +"You've been in Paris, I suppose," resumed Nimrod, after their +respective digits were released; "were you much gratified with what you +saw? What pleased you most--the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, +Pere la Chaise, Notre Dame, or what?" + +"Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may seem, I saw nothing +but the Tuileries and Naughty Dame.--I may say a werry naughty dame, for +she fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump to carry me home." + +"What, you've been among the ladies, have you? That's gay for a man at +your time of life." + +"Yes, I certainlie have been among the ladies,--countesses I may +say--but, dash my vig, they are a rum set, and made me pay for their +acquaintance. The Countess Benwolio certainlie is a bad 'un." + +"Oh, the deuce!--did that old devil catch you?" inquired Nimrod. + +"Vot, do you know her?" + +"Know her! ay--everybody here knows her with her black boy. She's always +on the road, and lives now by the flats she catches between Paris and +the coast. She was an agent for Morison's Pills--but having a fractious +Scotch lodger that she couldn't get out, she physicked him so dreadfully +that he nearly died, and the police took her licence away. But you are +hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, come to my house and spend the evening, and tell +me all about your travels." + +Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just learned that the +London packet sailed in an hour, so the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts's, +Royal Hotel, where over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their +acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod was to be in England +the following week, insisted upon his naming a day for dining in Great +Coram Street. + +"Permits" to embark having been considerately granted "gratis" by the +Government for a franc apiece, at the hour of ten our travellers stepped +on board, and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up in his martial +cloak, laid down in the cabin and, like Ulysses in Ithaca, as Nimrod +would say, "arrived in London Asleep." + + + +XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE" + +_(In a very "Familiar Letter" to Nimrod)_ + +DEAR NIMROD, + +You have favoured myself, and the sporting world at large, with a werry +rich high-flavoured account of the great Captain Barclay, and his +extonishing coach, the "Defiance"; and being werry grateful to you for +that and all other favours, past, present, and to come, I take up my +grey goose quill to make it "obedient to my will," as Mr. Pope, the +poet, says, in relating a werry gratifying ride I had on the celebrated +"Brighton Age," along with Sir Wincent Cotton, Bart., and a few other +swells. Being, as you knows, of rather an emigrating disposition, and +objecting to make a nick-stick of my life by marking down each Christmas +Day over roast-beef and plum pudding, cheek-by-jowl with Mrs. J---- +at home, I said unto my lad Binjimin--and there's not a bigger rogue +unhung--"Binjimin, be after looking out my Sunday clothes, and run down +to the Regent Circus, and book me the box-seat of the 'Age,' for +I'm blow'd if I'm not going to see the King at Brighton (or +'London-sur-Mary,' as James Green calls it), and tell the pig-eyed +book-keeper it's for Mr. Jorrocks, and you'll be sure to get it." + +Accordingly, next day, I put in my appearance at the Circus, dressed in +my best blue Saxony coat, with metal buttons, yellow waistcoat, tights, +and best Hessians, with a fine new castor on my head, and a carnation +in my button-hole. Lots of chaps came dropping in to go, and every one +wanted the box-seat. "Can I have the box-seat?" said one.--"No, sir; Mr. +Jorrocks has it." "Is the box-seat engaged?" asked another.--"Yes, sir; +Mr. Jorrocks has taken it." "Book me the box," said a third with great +dignity.--"It's engaged already." "Who by?"--"Mr. Jorrocks"; and so they +went on to the tune of near a dozen. Presently a rattling of pole chains +was heard, and a cry was raised of "Here's Sir Wincent!" I looks out, +and saw a werry neat, dark, chocolate-coloured coach, with narrow +red-striped wheels, and a crest, either a heagle or a unicorn (I forgets +which), on the door, and just the proprietors' names below the winder, +and "The Age," in large gilt letters, below the gammon board, drawn +by four blood-like, switch-tailed nags, in beautiful highly polished +harness with brass furniture, without bearing reins--driven by a +swellish-looking young chap, in a long-backed, rough, claret-coloured +benjamin, with fancy-coloured tyes, and a bunch of flowers in his +button-hole--no coachman or man of fashion, as you knows, being complete +without the flower. There was nothing gammonacious about the turn-out; +all werry neat and 'andsome, but as plain as plain could be; and there +was not even a bit of Christmas at the 'orses' ears, which I observed +all the other coaches had. Well, down came Sir Wincent, off went his +hat, out came the way-bill, and off he ran into the office to see what +they had for him. "Here, coachman," says a linen-draper's "elegant +extract," waiting outside, "you've to deliver this (giving him a parcel) +in the Marine Parade the instant you get to Brighton. It's Miss---- 's +bustle, and she'll be waiting for it to put on to go out to dinner, so +you musn't lose a moment, and you may charge what you like for your +trouble." "Werry well," says Sir Wincent, laughing, "I'll take care of +her bustle. Now, book-keeper, be awake. Three insides here, and six +out. Pray, sir," touching his hat to me, "are you booked here? Oh! Mr. +Jorrocks, I see. I begs your pardon. Jump up, then; be lively! what +luggage have you?" "Two carpet-bags, with J. J., Great Coram Street, +upon them." "There, then we'll put them in the front boot, and you'll +have them under you. All right behind? Sit tight!" Hist! off we go by +St. Mertain's Church into the Strand, to the booking-office there. + +The streets were werry full, but Sir Wincent wormed his way among the +coal-wagons, wans, busses, coaches, bottom-over-tops,--in wulgar French, +"cow sur tate," as they calls the new patent busses--trucks, cabs, &c., +in a marvellous workmanlike manner, which seemed the more masterly, +inasmuch as the leaders, having their heads at liberty, poked them about +in all directions, all a mode Francey, just as they do in Paris. At the +Marsh gate we were stopped. A black job was going through on one side, +and a haw-buck had drawn a great yellow one 'oss Gravesend cruelty wan +into the other, and was fumbling for his coin. + +"Now, Young Omnibus!" cried Sir Wincent, "don't be standing there all +day." The man cut into his nag, but the brute was about beat. "There, +don't 'it him so 'ard (hard)," said Sir Wincent, "or you may hurt him!" + +When we got near the Helephant and Castle, Timothy Odgkinson, of Brixton +Hill, a low, underselling grocer, got his measly errand cart, with his +name and address in great staring white letters, just in advance of the +leaders, and kept dodging across the road to get the sound ground, +for the whole line was werry "woolley" as you calls it. "Come, Mister +independent grocer! go faster if you can," cries Sir Wincent, "though I +think you have bought your horse where you buy your tea, for he's werry +sloe." A little bit farther on a chap was shoving away at a truck full +of market-baskets. "Now, Slavey," said he, "keep out of my way!" At the +Helephant and Castle, and, indeed, wherever he stopped, there were lots +of gapers assembled to see the Baronet coachman, but Sir Wincent never +minded them, but bustled about with his way-bill, and shoved in his +parcels, fish-baskets, and oyster-barrels like a good 'un. We pulled up +to grub at the Feathers at Merstham, and 'artily glad I was, for I was +far on to famish, having ridden whole twenty-five miles in a cold, +frosty air without morsel of wittles of any sort. When the Bart. pulled +up, he said, "Now, ladies and gentlemen--twenty minutes allowed here, +and let me adwise you to make the most of it." I took the 'int, and heat +away like a regular bagman, who can always dispatch his ducks and green +peas in ten minutes. + +We started again, and about one hundred yards below the pike stood a lad +with a pair of leaders to clap on, for the road, as I said before, was +werry woolley. "Now, you see, Mr. Jorrocks," said Sir Wincent, "I do old +Pikey by having my 'osses on this side. The old screw drew me for four +shillings one day for my leaders, two each way, so, says I, 'My covey, +if you don't draw it a little milder, I'll send my 'osses from the +stable through my friend Sir William Jolliffe's fields to the other side +of your shop,' and as he wouldn't, you see here they are, and he gets +nothing." + +The best of company, they say, must part, and Baronets "form no +exception to the rule," as I once heard Dr. Birkbeck say. About a mile +below the halfway 'ouse another coach hove in sight, and each pulling +up, they proved to be as like each other as two beans, and beneath a +mackintosh, like a tent cover, I twigged my friend Brackenbury's jolly +phiz. "How are you, Jorrocks?" and "How are you, Brack?" flew across +like billiard-balls, while Sir Wincent, handing me the ribbons, said, +"Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all a good morning and a pleasant +ride," and Brack having done the same by his coach and passengers, +the two heroes met on terry firmey, as we say in France, to exchange +way-bills and directions about parcels. "Now," said Sir Wincent, "you'll +find Miss----'s bustle under the front seat--send it off to the Marine +Parade the instant you get in, for she wants it to make herself up +to-night for a party." "By Jove, that's lucky," said Brackenbury, "for +I'll be hanged if I haven't got old Lady----'s false dinner-set of +ivories in my waistcoat pocket, which I should have forgot if you hadn't +mentioned t'other things, and then the old lady would have lost her +blow-out this Christmas. Here they are," handing out a small box, "and +mind you leave them yourself, for they tell me they are costly, being +all fixed in coral, with gold springs, and I don't know what--warranted +to eat of themselves, they say." "She has lost her modesty with her +teeth, it seems," said Sir Wincent. "Old women ought to be ashamed to be +seen out of their graves after their grinders are gone. I'll pound it +the old tabby carn't be under one hundred. But quick! who does that +d----d parrot and the cock-a-too belong to that you've got stuck up +there? and look, there's a canary and all! I'll be d----d if you don't +bring me a coach loaded like Wombwell's menagerie every day! Well, be +lively! 'Twill be all the same one hundred years hence.--All right? Sit +tight! Good night!" + +"Well, Mr. Jorrocks, it's long since we met," said Brackenbury, looking +me over--"never, I think, since I showed you way over the Weald of +Sussex from Torrington Wood, on the gallant wite with the Colonel's +'ounds! Ah, those were rare days, Mr. Jorrocks! we shall never see their +like again! But you're looking fresh. Time lays a light hand on your +bearing-reins! I hope it will be long ere you are booked by the +Gravesend Buss. You don't lush much, I fancy?" added he, putting a +lighted cigar in his mouth. "Yes, I does," said I--"a good deal; but +I tells you what, Brackenbury, I doesn't fumigate none--it's the +fumigation that does the mischief," and thereupon we commenced a +hargument on the comparitive mischief of smoking and drinking, which +ended without either being able to convince the other. "Well, at all +events, you gets beefey, Brackenbury," said I; "you must be a couple of +stone heavier than when we used to talliho the 'ounds together. I think +I could lead you over the Weald now, at all ewents if the fences were +out of the way," for I must confess that Brack was always a terrible +chap at the jumps, and could go where few would follow. + +We did the journey within the six hours--werry good work, considering +the load and the state of the roads. No coach like the "Age"--in my +opinion. I was so werry much pleased with Brack's driving, that I +presented him with a four-in-hand whip. + +I put up at Jonathan Boxall's, the Star and Garter, one of the +pleasantest and best-conducted houses in all Brighton. It is close to +the sea, and just by Mahomed, the sham-poor's shop. I likes Jonathan, +for he is a sportsman, and we spin a yarn together about 'unting, and +how he used to ride over the moon when he whipped in to St. John, in +Berkshire. But it's all talk with Jonathan now, for he's more like a +stranded grampus now than a fox-hunter. In course I brought down a pair +of kickseys and pipe-cases, intending to have a round with the old +muggers, but the snow put a stop to all that. I heard, however, that +both the Telscombe Tye and the Devil's Dike dogs had been running their +half-crown rounds after hares, some of which ended in "captures," others +in "escapes," as the newspapers terms them. I dined at the Albion on +Christmas Day, and most misfortunately, my appetite was ready before the +joints, so I had to make my dinner off Mary Ann cutlets, I think they +call them, that is to say, chops screwed up in large curl papers, and +such-like trifles. I saw some chaps drinking small glasses of stuff, so +I asked the waiter what it was, and, thinking he said "Elixir of Girls," +I banged the table, and said, "Elixir of Girls! that's the stuff for my +money--give me a glass." The chap laughed, and said, "Not Girls, sir, +but Garus"; and thereupon he gave another great guffaw. + +It is a capital coffee-room, full of winders, and finely-polished +tables, waiters in silk stockings, and they give spermaceti cheese, and +burn Parmesan candles. The chaps in it, however, were werry unsociable, +and there wasn't a man there that I would borrow half a crown to get +drunk with. Stickey is the landlord, but he does not stick it in so deep +as might be expected from the looks of the house, and the cheese and +candles considered. It was a most tempestersome night, and, having eaten +and drank to completion, I determined to go and see if my aunt, in +Cavendish Street, was alive; and after having been nearly blown out to +France several times, I succeeded in making my point and running to +ground. The storm grew worser and worser, and when I came to open the +door to go away, I found it blocked with snow, and the drifts whirling +about in all directions. My aunt, who is a werry feeling woman, insisted +on my staying all night, which only made the matter worse, for when I +came to look out in the morning I found the drift as high as the +first floor winder, and the street completely buried in snow. Having +breakfasted, and seeing no hopes of emancipation, I hangs out a flag of +distress--a red wipe--which, after flapping about for some time, drew +three or four sailors and a fly-man or two. I explained from the winder +how dreadfully I was situated, prayed of them to release me, but the +wretches did nothing but laugh, and ax wot I would give to be out. At +last one of them, who acted as spokesman, proposed that I should put +an armchair out of the winder, and pay them five shillings each for +carrying me home on their shoulders. It seemed a vast of money, but the +storm continuing, the crowd increasing, and I not wishing to kick up +a row at my aunt's, after offering four and sixpence, agreed to their +terms, and throwing out a chair, plumped up to the middle in a drift. +Three cheers followed the feat, which drew all the neighbours to the +winders, when about half a dozen fellows, some drunk, some sober, and +some half-and-half, pulled me into the chair, hoisted me on to their +shoulders, and proceeded into St. James's Street, bellowing out, "Here's +the new member for Brighton! Here's the boy wot sleeps in Cavendish +Street! Huzzah, the old 'un for ever! There's an elegant man for a +small tea-party! Who wants a fat chap to send to their friends this +Christmas?" The noise they made was quite tremendious, and the snow in +many places being up to their middles, we made werry slow progress, but +still they would keep me in the chair, and before we got to the end of +the street the crowd had increased to some hundreds. Here they began +snow-balling, and my hat and wig soon went flying, and then there was a +fresh holloa. "Here's Mr. Wigney, the member for Brighton," they cried +out; "I say, old boy, are you for the ballot? You must call on the King +this morning; he wants to give you a Christmas-box." Just then one of +the front bearers tumbled, and down we all rolled into a drift, just +opposite Daly's backey shop. There were about twenty of us in together, +but being pretty near the top, I was soon on my legs, and seeing +an opening, I bolted right forward--sent three or four fellows +flying--dashed down the passage behind Saxby's wine vaults, across the +Steyne, floundering into the drifts, followed by the mob, shouting and +pelting me all the way. This double made some of the beggars over-shoot +the mark, and run past the statute of George the Fourth, but, seeing +their mistake, or hearing the other portion of the pack running in the +contrary direction, they speedily joined heads and tails, and gave me a +devil of a burst up the narrow lane by the Wite 'Orse 'Otel. Fortunately +Jonathan Boxall's door was open, and Jonathan himself in the passage +bar, washing some decanters. "Look sharp, Jonathan!" said I, dashing +past him as wite as a miller, "look sharp! come out of that, and +be after clapping your great carcase against the door to keep the +Philistines out, or they'll be the death of us both." Quick as thought +the door was closed and bolted before ever the leaders had got up, but, +finding this the case, the mob halted and proceeded to make a deuce of a +kick-up before the house, bellowing and shouting like mad fellows, and +threatening to pull it down if I did not show. Jonathan got narvous, +and begged and intreated me to address them. I recommended him to do it +himself, but he said he was quite unaccustomed to public speaking, and +he would stand two glasses of "cold without" if I would. "Hot with," +said I, "and I'll do it." "Done," said he, and he knocked the snow off +my coat, pulled my wig straight, and made me look decent, and took me +to a bow-winder'd room on the first floor, threw up; the sash, and +exhibited me to the company outside. I bowed and kissed my hand like a +candidate. They cheered and shouted, and then called for silence whilst; +I addressed them. "Gentlemen," said I, "Who are you?" "Why, we be the +men wot carried your honour's glory from Cavendish Street, and wants to +be paid for it."; "Gentlemen," said I, "I'm no orator, but I'm a honest +man; I pays everybody twenty shillings in the pound. and no mistake +(cheers). If you had done your part of the bargain, I would have done +mine, but 'ow can you expect to be paid after spilling me? This is a +most inclement day, and, whatever you may say to the contrary, I'm not +Mr. Clement Wigney."--"No, nor Mr. Faithful neither," bellowed one +of the bearers.--said I, "you'll get the complaints of the season, +chilblains and influhensa, if you stand dribbling there in the snow. Let +me advise you to mizzle, for, if you don't, I'm blowed if I don't divide +a whole jug of cold water equally amongst you. Go home to your wives and +children, and don't be after annoying an honest, independent, amiable +publican, like Jonathan Boxall. That's all I've got to say, and if I was +to talk till I'm black in the face, I couldn't say nothing more to +the purpose; so, I wishes you all 'A Merry Christmas and an 'Appy New +Year.'" + +But I'm fatiguing you, Mr. Nimrod, with all this, which is only +hinteresting to the parties concerned, so will pass on to other topics. +I saw the King riding in his coach with his Sunday coat on. He looked +werry well, but his nose was rather blueish at the end, a sure sign that +he is but a mortal, and feels the cold just like any other man. The +Queen did not show, but I saw some of her maids of honour, who made me +think of the Richmond cheesecakes. There were a host of pretty ladies, +and the cold gave a little colour to their noses, too, which, I think, +improved their appearance wastly, for I've always remarked that your +ladies of quality are rather pasty, and do not generally show their high +blood in their cheeks and noses. I'm werry fond of looking at pretty +girls, whether maids of 'onour or maids of all work. + +The storm stopped all wisiting, and even the Countess of Winterton's +ball was obliged to be put off. Howsomever, that did not interfere at +all with Jonathan Boxall and me, except that it, perhaps, made us take +a bottom of brandy more than usual, particularly after Jonathan had run +over again one of his best runs. + +Now, dear Nimrod, adieu. Whenever you comes over to England, I shall be +werry 'appy to see you in Great Coram Street, where dinner is on the +table punctually at five on week days, and four on Sundays; and with +best regards to Mrs. Nimrod, and all the little Nimrods, + +I remain, for Self and Co., yours to serve, + +JOHN JORROCKS. + + + +XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY + +The general postman had given the final flourish to his bell, and the +muffin-girl had just begun to tinkle hers, when a capacious yellow +hackney-coach, with a faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down +Great Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door. + +Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the area bell, after giving +the usual three knocks and a half to the brass lion's head on the door, +it was opened by the boy Benjamin in a new drab coat, with a blue +collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, and black +velveteen breeches, with well-darned white cotton stockings. + +The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, where he had been +acting the part of butler, for which purpose he had put off his coat and +appeared in his shirtsleeves, dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze +silk stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with a frill as +large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and corkscrew to Betsey, he +shuffled himself into a smart new blue saxony coat with velvet collar +and metal buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the arrivers. + +"Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so 'appy to see you--so +werry 'appy you carn't think," holding out both hands to the foremost, +who happened to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I declare +it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod? Most proud to see you at +my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, my boy, 'ow do you do? Never knew you late +in my life," giving him a hearty slap on the back. "Mr. Spiers, I'm +werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting publisher ought to +be--punctuality itself. Now, gentlemen, dispose of your tiles, and come +upstairs to Mrs. J----, and let's get you introduced." "I fear we are +late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed Nimrod, advancing past the staircase end +to hang up his hat on a line of pegs against the wall. + +"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks--"not a bit of it--quite the +contrary--you are the first, in fact!" + +"Indeed!" replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of hats by where he +stood--"why here are as many hats as would set up a shop. I really +thought I'd got into Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake!" + +"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Happerley, werry good indeed--I owes you +one." + +"I thought it was a castor-oil mill," rejoined Mr. Spiers. + +"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry good indeed--owes you one +also--but I see what you're driving at. You think these hats have a +coconut apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing I assure you; +no such thing. The fact is, they are what I've won at warious times of +the members of our hunt, and as I've got you great sporting coves dining +with me, I'm a-going to set them out on my sideboard, just as racing +gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you know. Binjimin! I say, +Binjimin! you blackguard," holloaing down the kitchen stairs, "why don't +you set out the castors as I told you? and see you brush them well!" +"Coming, sir, coming, sir!" replied Benjamin, from below, who at that +moment was busily engaged, taking advantage of Betsey's absence, in +scooping marmalade out of a pot with his thumb. "There's a good lot of +them," said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, "four, six, eight, +ten, twelve, thirteen--all trophies of sporting prowess. Real good hats. +None o' your nasty gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile!" said +he, balancing a nice new white one with green rims on the tip of his +finger. "I won that in a most miraculous manner. A most wonderful +way, in fact. I was driving to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled +one-'oss chay, and just as I got to Lilleywhite, the blacksmith's, +below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain--a 'gulph' I may call +it--across the road for the purpose of repairing the gas-pipe--I was +rayther late as it was, for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was +nothing for me but either to go a mile and a half about, or drive slap +over the gulph. Well, I looked at it, and the more I looked at it the +less I liked it; but just as I was thinking I had seen enough of it, and +was going to turn away, up tools Timothy Truman in his buggy, and he, +too, began to crane and look into the abyss--and a terrible place it +was, I assure you--quite frightful, and he liked it no better than +myself. Seeing this, I takes courage, and said, 'Why, Tim, your 'oss +will do it!' 'Thank'e, Mr. J----,' said he, 'I'll follow you.' 'Then,' +said I, 'if you'll change wehicles'--for, mind ye, I had no notion of +damaging my own--'I'll bet you a hat I gets over.' 'Done,' said he, and +out he got; so I takes his 'oss by the head, looses the bearing-rein, +and leading him quietly up to the place and letting him have a look at +it, gave him a whack over the back, and over he went, gig and all, as +clever as could be!" + +_Stubbs_. Well done, Mr. J----, you are really a most wonderful man! You +have the most extraordinary adventures of any man breathing--but what +did you do with your own machine? + +_Jorrocks_. Oh! you see, I just turned round to Binjimin, who was with +me, and said, You may go home, and, getting into Timothy's buggy, I had +my ride for nothing, and the hat into the bargain. A nice hat it is +too--regular beaver--a guinea's worth at least. All true what I've told +you, isn't it, Binjimin? + +"Quite!" replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to his nose, and spreading +his fingers like a fan as he slunk behind his master. + +"But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, "let's be after going +upstairs.--Binjimin, announce the gentlemen as your missis taught you. +Open the door with your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, to +let the company see the point to make up to." + +The party ascend the stairs one at a time, for the flight is narrow and +rather abrupt, and Benjamin, obeying his worthy master's injunctions, +threw open the front drawing-room door, and discovered Mrs. Jorrocks +sitting in state at a round table, with annuals and albums spread at +orthodox distances around. The possession of this room had long been a +bone of contention between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but at length +they had accommodated matters by Mr. Jorrocks gaining undivided +possession of the back drawing-room (communicating by folding-doors), +with the run of the front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on non-company +days. A glance, however, showed which was the master's and which the +mistress's room. The front one was papered with weeping willows, bending +under the weight of ripe cherries on a white ground, and the chair +cushions were covered with pea-green cotton velvet with yellow worsted +bindings. + +The round table was made of rosewood, and there was a "whatnot" on +the right of the fire-place of similar material, containing a +handsomely-bound collection of Sir Walter Scott's Works, in wood. The +carpet-pattern consisted of most dashing bouquets of many-coloured +flowers, in winding French horns on a very light drab ground, so light, +indeed, that Mr. Jorrocks was never allowed to tread upon it except in +pumps or slippers. The bell-pulls were made of foxes' brushes, and in +the frame of the looking-glass, above the white marble mantelpiece, +were stuck visiting-cards, notes of invitation, thanks for "obliging +inquiries," etc. The hearth-rug exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with +pink eyes, on a blue ground, with a flossy green border; and the fender +and fire-irons were of shining brass. On the wall, immediately opposite +the fire-place, was a portrait of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, +so unlike her present self that no one would have taken it for her. The +back drawing-room, which looked out upon the gravel walk and house-backs +beyond, was papered with broad scarlet and green stripes in honour of +the Surrey Hunt uniform, and was set out with a green-covered library +table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting-chair between it and the +window, and several good strong hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the +walls. The table had a very literary air, being strewed with sporting +magazines, odd numbers of _Bell's Life_, pamphlets, and papers of +various descriptions, while on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were +ten lines of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in coming +from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had been hammering for some +time. On the side opposite the fire-place, on a hanging range of +mahogany shelves, were ten volumes of _Bell's Life in London_, the _New +Sporting Magazine_, bound gilt and lettered, the _Memoirs of Harriette +Wilson, Boxiana_, Taplin's _Farriery_, Nimrod's _Life of Mytton_, and a +backgammon board that Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a history +of England. + +Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in state at the far side +of the round table, on a worsted-worked ottoman exhibiting a cock +pheasant on a white ground, and was fanning herself with a red-and-white +paper fan, and turning over the leaves of an annual. How Mr. Jorrocks +happened to marry her, no one could ever divine, for she never was +pretty, had very little money, and not even a decent figure to recommend +her. It was generally supposed at the time, that his brother Joe and +he having had a deadly feud about a bottom piece of muffin, the lady's +friends had talked him into the match, in the hopes of his having a +family to leave his money to, instead of bequeathing it to Joe or his +children. Certain it is, they never were meant for each other; Mr. +Jorrocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature and impulse, while +Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and affectation. To describe her accurately +is more than we can pretend to, for she looked so different in different +dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not recognise her. Her +face was round, with a good strong brick-dust sort of complexion, a +turn-up nose, eyes that were grey in one light and green in another, and +a middling-sized mouth, with a double chin below. Mr. Jorrocks used +to say that she was "warranted" to him as twelve years younger than +himself, but many people supposed the difference of age between them was +not so great. Her stature was of the middle height, and she was of one +breadth from the shoulders to the heels. She was dressed in a flaming +scarlet satin gown, with swan's-down round the top, as also at the arms, +and two flounces of the same material round the bottom. Her turban was +of green velvet, with a gold fringe, terminating in a bunch over the +left side, while a bird-of-paradise inclined towards the right. Across +her forehead she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured glass butterfly +(a present from James Green), and her neck, arms, waist (at least +what ought to have been her waist) were hung round and studded with +mosaic-gold chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc., looking +for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's shop, or the lump of beef +that Sinbad the sailor threw into the Valley of Diamonds. In the right +of a gold band round her middle, was an immense gold watch, with a bunch +of mosaic seals appended to a massive chain of the same material; and a +large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when he was a young man, with his hair +stiffly curled, occupied a place on her left side. On her right arm +dangled a green velvet bag with a gold cord, out of which one of +Mr. Jorrocks's silk handkerchiefs protruded, while a crumpled, +yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace fringe, lay at her side. + +On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, sat her niece +Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), a nice laughing pretty girl of +sixteen, with languishing blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn-up" +order, beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and a +gracefully moulded figure. She had just left one of the finishing and +polishing seminaries in the neighbourhood of Bromley, where, for two +hundred a year and upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life are +taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had already appropriated her +to James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, on the other hand, had assigned her +to Stubbs. Belinda's dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair +hung in shining tresses down her smiling face, confined by a plain +tortoiseshell comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band before. Round +her swan-like neck was a plain white cornelian necklace; and her +well-washed white muslin frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing behind +in a bow, met in simple folds across her swelling bosom. Black sandal +shoes confined her fairy feet, and with French cotton stockings, +completed her toilette. Belinda, though young, was a celebrated eastern +beauty, and there was not a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael +Scales downwards, but what eyed her with delight as she passed along +from Shoreditch on her daily walk. + +The presentations having been effected, and the heat of the day, the +excellence of the house, the cleanliness of Great Coram Street--the +usual topics, in short, when people know nothing of each other--having +been discussed, our party scattered themselves about the room to await +the pleasing announcement of dinner. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was in +attendance upon Nimrod, while Mr. Stubbs made love to Belinda behind +Mrs. Jorrocks. + +Presently a loud long-protracted "rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +rat-tat-tat-tat-tan," at the street door sounded through the house, and +Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, exclaimed, "By Jingo! there's Green. +No man knocks with such wigorous wiolence as he does. All Great Coram +Street and parts adjacent know when he comes. Julius Caesar himself +couldn't kick up a greater row." "What Green is it, Green of +Rollestone?" inquired Nimrod, thinking of his Leicestershire friend. +"No," said Mr. Jorrocks, "Green of Tooley Street. You'll have heard of +the Greens in the borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, hop, and hide) +merchants--numerous family, numerous as the 'airs in my vig. This is +James Green, jun., whose father, old James Green, jun., _verd antique_, +as I calls him, is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the 'emp +line, and James is own cousin to young old James Green, sen., whose +father is in the 'ide line." The remainder of the pedigree was lost by +Benjamin throwing open the door and announcing Mr. Green; and Jemmy, +who had been exchanging his cloth boots for patent-leather pumps, came +bounding upstairs like a racket-ball. "My dear Mrs. Jorrocks," cried he, +swinging through the company to her, "I'm delighted to see you looking +so well. I declare you are fifty per cent younger than you were. +Belinda, my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks, my friend, 'ow do ye do?" + +"Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands with him most cordially, +"I'm werry well, indeed, and delighted to see you. Now let me present +you to Nimrod." + +"Ay, Nimrod!" said Green, in his usual flippant style, with a nod of his +head, "'ow are ye, Nimrod? I've heard of you, I think--Nimrod Brothers +and Co., bottle merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it?" + +"No," said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown--Happerley Nimrod, the +great sporting hauthor." + +"True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted, "I've heard of +him--Nimrod--the mighty 'unter before the lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. +Stubbs, 'ow are ye?" nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself +on to a chair on the other side of Belinda. + +As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His curly flaxen wig projected +over his forehead like the roof of a Swiss cottage, and his pointed +gills were supported by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad front +and black frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His coat was +light green, with archery buttons, made very wide at the hips, with +which he sported a white waistcoat, bright yellow ochre leather +trousers, pink silk stockings, and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he +carried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most powerfully of musk; +and a pair of dirty wristbands drew the eye to sundry dashing rings upon +his fingers. + +Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine-merchant, a member of +the Surrey Hunt, being announced and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared +herself faint from the heat of the room, and begged to be excused for a +few minutes. Nimrod, all politeness, was about to offer her his arm, but +Mr. Jorrocks pulled him back, whispering, "Let her go, let her go." "The +fact is," said he in an undertone after she was out of hearing, "it's a +way Mrs. J---- has when she wants to see that dinner's all right. +You see she's a terrible high-bred woman, being a cross between a +gentleman-usher and a lady's-maid, and doesn't like to be supposed to +look after these things, so when she goes, she always pretend to faint. +You'll see her back presently," and, just as he spoke, in she came with +a half-pint smelling-bottle at her nose. Benjamin followed immediately +after, and throwing open the door proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, +that "dinner was sarved," upon which the party all started on their +legs. + +"Now, Mr. Happerley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks, "you'll trot Mrs. J---- +down--according to the book of etiquette, you know, giving her the +wall side.[25] Sorry, gentlemen, I havn't ladies apiece for you, but my +sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayther small, besides which I +never like to dine more than eight. Stubbs, my boy, Green and you must +toss up for Belinda--here's a halfpenny, and let be 'Newmarket'[26] if +you please. Wot say you? a voman! Stubbs wins!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as +the halfpenny fell head downwards. "Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, +and James and I will whip in to you. But stop, gentlemen!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the stairs, "let me make one +request--that you von't eat the windmill you'll see on the centre of the +table. Mrs. Jorrocks has hired it for the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the +confectioner, in Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or three +evening parties after it leaves this." "Lauk, John! how wulgar you are. +What matter can it make to your friends where the windmill comes from!" +exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks in an audible voice from below, Nimrod, with +admirable skill, having piloted her down the straights and turns of the +staircase. Having squeezed herself between the backs of the chairs and +the wall, Mrs. Jorrocks at length reached the head of the table, and +with a bump of her body and wave of her hand motioned Nimrod to take the +seat on her right. Green then pushed past Belinda and Stubbs, and +took the place on Mrs. Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous +manoeuvre, placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda +between himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then filled the vacant +places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers facing Mr. Stubbs. + +[Footnote 25: "In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady +the wall in going downstairs," etc,--_Spirit of Etiquette._] + +[Footnote 26: "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is _one_ +toss."--_Bell's Life._] + +The dining-room was the breadth of the passage narrower than the front +drawing-room, and, as Mr. Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small--but +the table being excessively broad, made the room appear less than it +was. It was lighted up with spermaceti candles in silver holders, one at +each corner of the table, and there was a lamp in the wall between the +red-curtained windows, immediately below a brass nail, on which Mr. +Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch of boot garters were hung. Two +more candles in the hands of bronze Dianas on the marble mantelpiece, +lighted up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John Warde on Blue +Ruin; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse Undertaker, with his hounds +and men, occupied a frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned +cellaret sideboard, against the wall at the end, supported a large +bright-burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round the rim, whose +effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over eight black hats and two white +ones, whereof the four middle ones were decorated with evergreens and +foxes' brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered. There was +scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen on any part. In the centre +stood a magnificent finely spun barley-sugar windmill, two feet and a +half high, with a spacious sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and +two or three millers at the door, and a she-miller working a ball-dress +flounce at a lower window. + +The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course --everything, +in fact, except dessert--was on the table, as we sometimes see it at +ordinaries and public dinners. Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were +two great tureens of mock-turtle soup, each capable of holding a gallon, +and both full up to the brim. Then there were two sorts of fish; turbot +and lobster sauce, and a great salmon. A round of boiled beef and an +immense piece of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to march on the +disappearance of the fish and soup--and behind the walls, formed by the +beef of old England, came two dishes of grouse, each dish holding three +brace. The side dishes consisted of a calf's head hashed, a leg of +mutton, chickens, ducks, and mountains of vegetables; and round the +windmill were plum-puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, and puffs. + +Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood "Batsay" with a fine brass-headed +comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets down her ruddy cheeks. She was +dressed in a green silk gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr. +Jorrocks's lavender and white coloured silk pocket-handkerchiefs made +into an apron. "Binjimin" stood with the door in his hand, as the saying +is, with a towel twisted round his thumb, as though he had cut it. + +"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his eye up the table, as +soon as they had all got squeezed and wedged round it, and the dishes +were uncovered, "you see your dinner, eat whatever you like except the +windmill--hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with what's on--would +have had more but Mrs. J---- is so werry fine, she won't stand two +joints of the same sort on the table." + +_Mrs. J._ Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar! Who ever saw two rounds +of beef, as you wanted to have? Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will +excuse any little defishency, considering the short notice we have had, +and that this is not an elaborate dinner. + +_Mr. Spiers._ I'm sure, ma'm, there's no de_fish_ency at all. Indeed, +I think there's as much fish as would serve double the number--and I'm +sure you look as if you had your soup "on sale or return," as we say in +the magazine line. + +_Mr. J._ Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers. I owe you one. Not bad +soup though--had it from Birch's. Let me send you some; and pray lay +into it, or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. Happerley, let me send +you some--and, gentlemen, let me observe, once for all, that there's +every species of malt liquor under the side table. Prime stout, from the +Marquess Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my friend Crane +there calls lamen_table_--he says, because it's so werry small--but, in +truth, because I don't buy it of him. There's all sorts of drench, in +fact, except water--thing I never touch--rots one's shoes, don't know +what it would do with one's stomach if it was to get there. Mr. Crane, +you're eating nothing. I'm quite shocked to see you; you don't surely +live upon hair? Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. +Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshireman take care of you? Who's for some +salmon?--bought at Luckey's, and there's both Tallyho and Tantivy sarce +to eat with it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder after +eating these sarces with fish. Mr. Happerley Nimrod, you are the +greatest man at table, consequently I axes you to drink wine first, +according to the book of etiquette--help yourself, sir. Some of Crane's +particklar, hot and strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin +de beaume) or rot-gut French stuff--hope you like it--if you don't, pray +speak your mind freely, now that we have Crane among us. Binjimin, get +me some of that duck before Mr. Spiers, a leg and a wing, if you please, +sir, and a bit of the breast. + +_Mr. Spiers._ Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer a right or left +wing, sir? + +_Mr. Jorrocks._ Oh, either. I suppose it's all the same. + +_Mr. Spiers._ Why no, sir, it's not exactly all the same; for it happens +there is only one remaining, therefore it must be the _left_ one. + +_Mr. J._ (chuckling). Haw! haw! haw! Mr. S----, werry good that--werry +good indeed. I owes you two. + +"I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you please," says Crane, +handing his plate round the windmill. + +"I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers, who had just +filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's nothing left but the neck," +holding it up on the fork. + +"Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane; "neck or nothing, you know, Mr. +Jorrocks, as we say with the Surrey." + +"Haw! haw! haw!" grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is busy sucking a bone; "haw! +hawl haw! werry good, Crane, werry good--owes you one. Now, gentlemen," +added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, "let me adwise +ye, before you attack the grouse, to take the hedge (edge) off your +appetites, or else there won't be enough, and, you know, it does not do +to eat the farmer after the gentlemen. Let's see, now--three and three +are six, six brace among eight--oh dear, that's nothing like enough. I +wish, Mrs. J----, you had followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And +now, Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your clumsiness, +you little dirty rascal! Why von't you let Batsay arrange the table? +Thank you, Mr. Crane, for your assistance--your politeness, sir, exceeds +your beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, and Jorrocks +throws down his knife and fork in an agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear, there's +that cursed horgan again. It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and +kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no man suffers so much +from music as I do. I wish I had a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I +might throw one at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. +I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. Mr. Nimrod, pray +take another glass of wine after your roast beef.--Well, with Mrs. J---- +if you choose, but I'll join you--always says that you are the werry +cleverest man of the day--read all your writings--anny-tommy (anatomy) +of gaming, and all. Am a hauthor myself, you know--once set to, to write +a werry long and elaborate harticle on scent, but after cudgelling my +brains, and turning the thing over and over again in my mind, all that I +could brew on the subject was, that scent was a werry rum thing; nothing +rummer than scent, except a woman." + +"Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as she spoke, "don't let +us have any of your low-lifed stable conversation here--you think to +show off before the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself you talk +about what we don't understand. Now, I'll be bound to say, with all your +fine sporting hinformation, you carn't tell me whether a mule brays or +neighs!" + +"Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr. Jorrocks, considering. +"I'll lay I can!" + +"Which, then?" inquired Mrs. Jorrocks. + +"Vy, I should say it brayed." + +"Mule bray!" cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her hands with delight, +"there's a cockney blockhead for you! It brays, does it?" + +_Mr. Jorrocks. _I meant to say, neighed. + +"Ho! ho! ho!" grinned Mrs. J----, "neighs, does it? You are a nice man +for a fox-'unter--a mule neighs--thought I'd catch you some of these +odd days with your wain conceit." + +"Vy, what does it do then?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, his choler rising as +he spoke. "I hopes, at all ewents, he don't make the 'orrible noise you +do." + +"Why, it screams, you great hass!" rejoined his loving spouse. + +A single, but very resolute knock at the street door, sounding quite +through the house, stopped all further ebullition, and Benjamin, +slipping out, held a short conversation with someone in the street, and +returned. + +"What's happened now, Binjimin?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, with anxiety +on his countenance, as the boy re-entered the room; "the 'osses arn't +amiss, I 'ope?" + +"Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for the windmill--he says +you've had it two hours," replied Benjamin. + +"The deuce be with Mr. Farrell's young man! he does not suppose we can +part with the mill before the cloth's drawn--tell him to mizzle, or I'll +mill him. 'Now's the day and now's the hour'; who's for some grouse? +Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But first of all let's have a round +robin. Pass the wine, gentlemen. What wine do you take, Stubbs." + +"Why, champagne is good enough for me." + +_Mr. Jorrocks,_ I dare say; but if you wait till you get any here, you +will have a long time to stop. Shampain, indeed! had enough of that +nonsense abroad--declare you young chaps drink shampain like hale. +There's red and wite port, and sherry, in fact, and them as carn't +drink, they must go without. + + X. was expensive and soon became poor, + Y. was the wise man and kept want from the door. + +"Now for the grouse!" added he, as the two beefs disappeared, and they +took their stations at the top and bottom of the table. "Fine birds, to +be sure! Hope you havn't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so as not to +be able to do justice to them--smell high--werry good--gamey, in fact. +Binjimin. take an 'ot plate to Mr. Nimrod--sarve us all round with +them." + +The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, little execution was +done upon the pastry, and the jellies had all melted long before it +came to their turn to be eat. At length everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, +appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks was succeeded by +the din of tongues and the ringing of glasses, as the eaters refreshed +themselves with wine or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being handed +about on plates, according to the _Spirit of Etiquette_. Binjimin and +Batsay at length cleared the table, lifted off the windmill, and removed +the cloth. Mr. Jorrocks then delivered himself of a most emphatic grace. + +The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the ceremony of +drinking healths all round was performed. "Your good health, Mrs. +J----.--Belinda, my loove, your good health--wish you a good +'usband.--Nimrod, your good health.--James Green, your good health.--Old +_verd antique's_ good health.--Your uncle's good health.--All the Green +family.--Stubbs, your good health.--Spiers, Crane, etc." The bottles +then pass round three times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks +makes them pay toll. The fourth time she let them pass; and Jorrocks +began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick the leg of the table, by way of +giving her a hint to depart. This caused a dead silence, which at length +was broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming "horrid pause!" + +"Horrid paws!" vociferated Mrs. J----, in a towering rage, "so would +yours, let me tell you, sir, if you had helped to cook all that dinner": +and gathering herself up and repeating the words "horrid paws, indeed, +I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room like an exasperated +turkey-cock; her face, from heat, anger, and the quantity she had drank, +being as red as her gown. Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she +had been put into a furnace and blown red hot. Jorrocks having got rid +of his "worser half," as he calls her, let out a reef or two of his acre +of white waistcoat, and each man made himself comfortable according to +his acceptation of the term. "Gentlemen," says Jorrocks, "I'll trouble +you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps off--a bumper toast--no +skylights, if you please. Crane, pass the wine--you are a regular +old stop-bottle--a turnpike gate, in fact. I think you take back +hands--gentlemen, are you all charged?--then I'll give you THE NOBLE +SPORT OF FOX-'UNTING! gentlemen, with three times three, and Crane will +give the 'ips--all ready--now, ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza--'ip, +'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza--'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza.--one +cheer more, 'UZZA!" After this followed "The Merry Harriers," then came +"The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, and bad luck to Cheatum," +all bumpers; when Jorrocks, having screwed his courage up to the +sticking-place, called for another, which being complied with, he rose +and delivered himself as follows: + +"Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I am now about to +propose--I feel--I feel--(Yorkshireman--'very queer?') J---- No, +not verry queer, and I'll trouble you to hold your jaw (laughter). +Gentlemen, I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about to +give, I feel--I feel--(Crane--'werry nervous?') J---- No, not werry +nervous, so none of your nonsense; let me alone, I say. I say, in +rising to propose the toast which I am about to give, I feel--(Mr. +Spiers--'very foolish?' Nimrod--'very funny?' Crane--'werry rum?') J---- +No, werry proud of the distinguished honour that has been conferred upon +me--conferred upon me--conferred upon me--distinguished honour that has +been conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of one of the most +distinguished men--distinguished men--by the presence, this day, of one +of the most distinguished men and sportsmen--of modern times (cheers.) +Gentlemen--this is the proudest moment of my life! the eyes of England +are upon us! I give you the health of Mr. Happerley Nimrod." (Drunk with +three times three.) + +When the cheering, and dancing of the glasses had somewhat subsided, +Nimrod rose and spoke as follows: + +"Mr. Jorrocks, and gentlemen", + +"The handsome manner in which my health has been proposed by our worthy +and estimable host, and the flattering reception it has met with from +you, merit my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be unworthy of +the land which gave me birth, were I insensible of the honour which has +just been done me by so enlightened and distinguished an assembly as the +present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased to designate me as +one of the most distinguished sportsmen of the day, a title, however, +to which I feel I have little claim: but this I may say, that I have +portrayed our great national sports in their brightest and most glowing +colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen shall yield to none +(cheers). I have ever been the decided advocate of many sports and +exercises, not only on account of the health and vigour they inspire, +but because I feel that they are the best safeguards on a nation's +energies, and the best protection against luxury, idleness, debauchery, +and effeminacy (cheers). The authority of all history informs us, +that the energies of countries flourished whilst manly sports have +flourished, and decayed as they died away (cheers). What says Juvenal, +when speaking of the entry of luxury into Rome?" + + Saevior armis + Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem. + +"And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the writings of +Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for evidence of the value they have +all attached to the encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, +and the evils produced by a degenerate and effeminate life on the +manners and characters of a people (cheers). Many of the most eminent +literary characters of this and of other countries have been ardently +attached to field sports; and who, that has experienced their beneficial +results, can doubt that they are the best promoters of the _mens sana +in corpore sano_--the body sound and the understanding clear (cheers)? +Gentlemen, it is with feelings of no ordinary gratification that I find +myself at the social and truly hospitable board of one of the most +distinguished ornaments of one of the most celebrated Hunts in this +great country, one whose name and fame have reached the four corners +of the globe--to find myself after so long an absence from my native +land--an estrangement from all that has ever been nearest and dearest to +my heart--once again surrounded by these cheerful countenances which +so well express the honest, healthful pursuits of their owners. Let +us then," added Nimrod, seizing a decanter and pouring himself out a +bumper, "drink, in true Kentish fire, the health and prosperity of +that brightest sample of civic sportsmen, the great and renowned JOHN +JORROCKS!" + +Immense applause followed the conclusion of this speech, during which +time the decanters buzzed round the table, and the glasses being +emptied, the company rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed; +Mr. Jorrocks, sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable as men in +his situation generally do. + +The cheering having subsided, and the parties having resumed their +seats, it was his turn to rise, so getting on his legs, he essayed to +speak, but finding, as many men do, that his ideas deserted him the +moment the "eyes of England" were turned upon him, after two or three +hitches of his nankeens, and as many hems and haws, he very coolly +resumed his seat, and spoke as follows: + +"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I am taken quite +aback by this werry unexpected compliment (cheers); never since I filled +the hancient and honerable hoffice of churchwarden in the populous +parish of St. Botolph Without, have I experienced a gratification equal +to the present. I thank you from the werry bottom of my breeches-pocket +(applause). Gentlemen, I'm no horator, but I'm a honest man (cheers). +I should indeed be undeserving the name of a sportsman--undeserving of +being a member of that great and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. +Happerley Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, if I +did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you have paid it. It is +unpossible for me to follow that great sporting scholar fairly over the +ridge and furrow of his werry intricate and elegant horation, for there +are many of those fine gentlemen's names--French, I presume--that he +mentioned, that I never heard of before, and cannot recollect; but if +you will allow me to run 'eel a little, I would make a few hobservations +on a few of his hobservations.--Mr. Happerley Nimrod, gentlemen, was +pleased to pay a compliment to what he was pleased to call my something +'ospitality. I am extremely obliged to him for it. To be surrounded +by one's friends is in my mind the 'Al' of 'uman 'appiness (cheers). +Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of seeing you all here to-day, +and I hope the grub has been to your likin' (cheers), if not, I'll +discharge my butcher. On the score of quantity there might be a little +deficiency, but I hope the quality was prime. Another time this shall +be all remedied (cheers). Gentlemen, I understand those cheers, and I'm +flattered by them--I likes 'ospitality!--I'm not the man to keep my +butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals in a quart pot (immense cheering). +Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, I leaves the flowers of speech to +them as is better acquainted with botany (laughter)--I likes plain +English, both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to see Mr. Happerley +Nimrod has not forgot his, and can put up with our homely fare, and do +without pantaloon cutlets, blankets of woe,[27] and such-like miseries." + +[Footnote 27: "Blanquette de veau."] + +"I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots, and their +poisons (poissons); 'ord rot 'em, they near killed me, and right glad am +I to get a glass of old British black strap. And talking of black strap, +gentlemen, I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to tip us +a song. So now I'm finished--and you, Crane, lap up your liquor and +begin!" (applause). + +Crane was shy--unused to sing in company--nevertheless, if it was +the wish of the party, and if it would oblige his good customer, Mr. +Jorrocks, he would try his hand at a stave or two made in honour of the +immortal Surrey. Having emptied his glass and cleared his windpipe, +Crane commenced: + + "Here's a health to them that can ride! + Here's a health to them that can ride! + And those that don't wish good luck to the cause. + May they roast by their own fireside! + It's good to drown care in the chase, + It's good to drown care in the bowl. + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, + Here's his health from the depth of my soul." + + CHORUS + + "Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds. + And echo the shrill tally-ho!" + + "Here's a health to them that can ride! + Here's a health to them that ride bold! + May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied, + In columns of sporting be told! + Here's freedom to him that would walk! + Here's freedom to him that would ride! + There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard + Who the joys of the chase ever tried." + + "Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, + And halloo the loud tally-ho!" + +"Beautiful! beautiful!" exclaimed Jorrocks, clapping his hands and +stamping as Crane had ceased. + + "A werry good song, and it's werry well sung. + Jolly companions every one!" + +"Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses--there's one toast we must drink in +a bumper if we ne'er take a bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your +glass--Mr. Stubbs, vy don't you fill up?--Mr. Nimrod, off with your 'eel +taps, pray--I'll give ye the 'Surrey 'Unt,' with all my 'art and soul. +Crane, my boy, here's your werry good health, and thanks for your song!" +(All drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's good health, with applause, which +brings him on his legs with the following speech): + +"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking (laughter), I beg +leave on behalf of myself and the absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to +return you our own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment +you have just paid us, and to assure you that the esteem and approbation +of our fellow-sportsmen is to us the magnum bonum of all earthly +'appiness (cheers and laughter). Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer +upon your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy this wine of my friend +Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say that I have got some more of the same +quality left, at from forty-two to forty-eight shillings a dozen, also +some good stout draught port, at ten and sixpence a gallon--some ditto +werry superior at fifteen; also foreign and British spirits, and Dutch +liqueurs, rich and rare." The conclusion of the vintner's address was +drowned in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon the company +in succession for a toast, a song, or a sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The +Royal Staghounds"; Crane gave, "Champagne to our real friends, and real +pain to our sham friends"; Green sung, "I'd be a butterfly"; Mr. Stubbs +gave, "Honest men and bonnie lasses"; and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic +printer, gave, "The liberty of the Press," which he said was like +fox-hunting--"if we have it not we die"--all of which Mr. Jorrocks +applauded as if he had never heard them before, and drank in bumpers. It +was evident that unless tea was speedily announced he would soon become; + + O'er the ills of life victorious, + +for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the Queen's English +for some time. After a pause, during which his cheeks twice changed +colour, from red to green and back to red, he again called for a bumper +toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or parts of a +speech: + +"Gentlemen--in rising--propose toast about to give--feel werry--feel +werry--(Yorkshireman, 'werry muzzy?') J---- feel werry--(Mr. Spiers, +'werry sick?') J---- werry--(Crane, 'werry thirsty?') J---- feel +werry --(Nimrod, 'werry wise?') J---- no; but werry sensible --great +compliment--eyes of England upon us--give you the health--Mr. Happerley +Nimrod--three times three!" + +He then attempted to rise for the purpose of marking the time, but his +legs deserted his body, and after two or three lurches down he went with +a tremendous thump under the table. He called first for "Batsay," then +for "Binjimin," and, game to the last, blurted out, "Lift me up!--tie me +in my chair!--fill my glass!" + + + +XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: +AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN + +On the morning after Mr. Jorrocks's "dinner party" I had occasion to go +into the city, and took Great Coram Street in my way. My heart misgave +me when I recollected Mrs. J---- and her horrid paws, but still I +thought it my duty to see how the grocer was after his fall. Arrived at +the house I rang the area bell, and Benjamin, who was cleaning knives +below, popped his head up, and seeing who it was, ran upstairs and +opened the door. His master was up, he said, but "werry bad," and his +misses was out. Leaving him to resume his knife-cleaning occupation, I +slipped quietly upstairs, and hearing a noise in the bedroom, opened the +door, and found Jorrocks sitting in his dressing-gown in an easy chair, +with Betsey patting his bald head with a damp towel. + +"Do that again, Batsay! Do that again!" was the first sound I heard, +being an invitation to Betsey to continue her occupation. "Here's the +Yorkshireman, sir," said Betsey, looking around. + +"Ah, Mr. York, how are you this morning?" said he, turning a pair of +eyes upon me that looked like boiled gooseberries--his countenance +indicating severe indisposition. "Set down, sir; set down--I'm werry +bad--werry bad indeed--bad go last night. Doesn't do to go to the +lush-crib this weather. How are you, eh? tell me all about it. Is Mr. +Nimrod gone?" + +"Don't know," said I; "I have just come from Lancaster Street, where I +have been seeing an aunt, and thought I would take Great Coram Street in +my way to the city, to ask how you do--but where's Mrs. Jorrocks?" + +_Jorrocks_. Oh, cuss Mrs. J----; I knows nothing about her--been reading +the Riot Act, and giving her red rag a holiday all the morning--wish +to God I'd never see'd her--took her for better and worser, it's werry +true; but she's a d----d deal worser than I took her for. Hope your +hat may long cover your family. Mrs. J----'s gone to the Commons to +Jenner--swears she'll have a diworce, a _mensa et thorax_, I think +she calls it--wish she may get it--sick of hearing her talk about +it--Jenner's the only man wot puts up with her, and that's because he +gets his fees. Batsay, my dear! you may damp another towel, and then +get me something to cool my coppers--all in a glow, I declare--complete +fever. You whiles go to the lush-crib, Mr. Yorkshireman; what now do you +reckon best after a regular drench? + +_Yorkshireman._ Oh, nothing like a glass of soda-water with a bottom of +brandy--some people prefer a sermon, but that won't suit you or I. After +your soda and brandy take a good chivy in the open air, and you'll be +all right by dinner-time. + +_Jorrocks._ Right I Bliss ye, I shall niver be right again. I can +scarce move out of my chair, I'm so bad--my head's just fit to split in +two--I'm in no state to be seen. + +_Yorkshireman._ Oh, pooh!--get your soda-water and brandy, then have +some strong coffee and a red herring, and you'll be all right, and +if you'll find cash, I'll find company, and we'll go and have a lark +together. + +_Jorrocks._ Couldn't really be seen out---besides, cash is werry scarce. +By the way, now that I come to think on it, I had a five-pounder in my +breeches last night. Just feel in the pocket of them 'ere nankeens, and +see that Mrs. J---- has not grabbed it to pay Jenner's fee with. + +_Yorkshireman_ (feels). No--all right--here it is--No. 10,497--I promise +to pay Mr. Thos. Rippon, or bearer, on demand, five pounds! Let's demand +it, and go and spend the cash. + +_Jorrocks._ No, no--put it back--or into the table-drawer, see--fives +are werry scarce with me--can't afford it--must be just before I'm +generous. + +_Yorkshireman._ Well, then, J----, you must just stay at home and get +bullied by Mrs. J----, who will be back just now, I dare say, perhaps +followed by Jenner and half Doctors' Commons. + +_Jorrocks_. The deuce! I forgot all that--curse Mrs. J---- and the +Commons too. Well, Mr. Yorkshireman, I don't care if I do go with +you--but where shall it be to? Some place where we can be quiet, for I +really am werry bad, and not up to nothing like a lark. + +_Yorkshireman_. Suppose we take a sniff of the +briny--Margate--Ramsgate--Broadstairs? + +_Jorrocks_. No, none of them places--over-well-known at 'em all--can't +be quiet--get to the lush-crib again, perhaps catch the cholera and go +to Gravesend by mistake. Let's go to the Eel Pye at Twickenham and live +upon fish. + +_Yorkshireman_. Fish! you old flat. Why, you know, you'd be the first to +cry out if you had to do so. No, no--let's have no humbug--here, drink +your coffee like a man, and then hustle your purse and see what it will +produce. Why, even Betsey's laughing at the idea of your living upon +fish. + +_Jorrocks_. Don't shout so, pray--your woice shoots through every nerve +of my head and distracts me (drinks). This is grand Mocho--quite the +cordial balm of Gilead--werry fine indeed. Now I feel rewived and can +listen to you. + +_Yorkshireman_. Well, then, pull on your boots--gird up your loins, and +let's go and spend this five pounds--stay away as long as it lasts, in +fact. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, but give me the coin--it's mine you know--and let me +be paymaster, or I know you'll soon be into dock again. That's right; +and now I have got three half-crowns besides, which I will add. + +_Yorkshireman_. And I've got three pence, which, not to be behind-hand +in point of liberality, I'll do the same with, so that we have got five +pounds seven shillings and ninepence between us, according to Cocker. + +_Jorrocks_. Between us, indeed! I likes that. You're a generous +churchwarden. + +_Yorkshireman_. Well--we won't stand upon trifles the principle is the +thing I look to--and not the amount. So now where to, your honour? + +After a long parley, we fixed upon Herne Bay. Our reasons for doing so +were numerous, though it would be superfluous to mention them, save +that the circumstance of neither of us ever having been there, and the +prospect of finding a quiet retreat for Jorrocks to recover in, were the +principal ones. Our arrangements were soon made. "Batsay," said J---- to +his principessa of a cook, slut, and butler, "the Yorkshireman and I are +going out of town to stay five pounds seven and ninepence, so put up my +traps." Two shirts (one to wash the other as he said), three pairs of +stockings, with other etceteras, were stamped into a carpet-bag, and +taking a cab, we called at the "Piazza," where I took a few things, and +away we drove to Temple Bar. "Stop here with the bags," said Jorrocks, +"while I go to the Temple Stairs and make a bargain with a Jacob +Faithful to put us on board, for if they see the bags they'll think it's +a case of necessity, and ask double; whereas I'll pretend I'm just going +a-pleasuring, and when I've made a bargain, I'll whistle, and you can +come." Away he rolled, and after the lapse of a few minutes I heard a +sort of shilling-gallery cat-call, and obeying the summons, found he had +concluded a bargain for one and sixpence. We reached St. Catherine's +Docks just as the Herne Bay boat--the _Hero_--moored alongside, +consequently were nearly the first on board. + +Herne Bay being then quite in its infancy, and this being what the cits +call a "weekday," they had rather a shy cargo, nor had they any of that +cockney tomfoolery that generally characterises a Ramsgate or Margate +crew, more particularly a Margate one. Indeed, it was a very slow cargo, +Jorrocks being the only character on board, and he was as sulky as a +bear with a sore head when anyone approached. The day was beautifully +fine, and a thin grey mist gradually disappeared from the Kentish hills +as we passed down the Thames. The river was gay enough. Adelaide, Queen +of Great Britain and Ireland, was expected on her return from Germany, +and all the vessels hung out their best and gayest flags and colours to +do her honour. The towns of Greenwich and Woolwich were in commotion. +Charity schools were marching, and soldiers were doing the like, while +steamboats went puffing down the river with cargoes to meet and escort +Her Majesty. When we got near Tilbury Fort, a man at the head of the +steamer announced that we should meet the Queen in ten minutes, and all +the passengers crowded on to the paddle-box of the side on which she +was to pass, to view and greet her. Jorrocks even roused himself up +and joined the throng. Presently a crowd of steamers were seen in the +distance, proceeding up the river at a rapid pace, with a couple of +lofty-masted vessels in tow, the first of which contained the royal +cargo. The leading steamboat was the celebrated _Magnet_--considered +the fastest boat on the river, and the one in which Jorrocks and myself +steamed from Margate, racing against and beating the _Royal William._ +This had the Lord Mayor and Aldermen on board, who had gone down to the +extent of the city jurisdiction to meet the Queen, and have an excuse +for a good dinner. The deck presented a gay scene, being covered with a +military band, and the gaudy-liveried lackeys belonging to the Mansion +House, and sheriffs whose clothes were one continuous mass of gold lace +and frippery, shining beautifully brilliant in the midday sun. The royal +yacht, with its crimson and gold pennant floating on the breeze, came +towering up at a rapid pace, with the Queen sitting under a canopy on +deck. As we neared, all hats were off, and three cheers--or at least as +many as we could wedge in during the time the cortege took to sweep past +us--were given, our band consisting of three brandy-faced musicians, +striking up _God save the King_--a compliment which Her Majesty +acknowledged by a little mandarining; and before the majority of the +passengers had recovered from the astonishment produced by meeting a +live Queen on the Thames, the whole fleet had shot out of sight. By the +time the ripple on the water, raised by their progress, had subsided, +we had all relapsed into our former state of apathy and sullenness. A +duller or staider set I never saw outside a Quakers' meeting. Still the +beggars eat, as when does a cockney not in the open air? The stewards of +these steamboats must make a rare thing of their places, for they have +plenty of custom at their own prices. In fact, being in a steamboat is a +species of personal incarceration, and you have only the option between +bringing your own prog, or taking theirs at whatever they choose to +charge--unless, indeed, a person prefers going without any. Jorrocks +took nothing. He laid down again after the Queen had passed, and never +looked up until we were a mile or two off Herne Bay. + +With the reader's permission, we will suppose that we have just landed, +and, bags in hand, ascended the flight of steps that conduct passengers, +as it were, from the briny ocean on to the stage of life. + +"My eyes!" said Jorrocks, as he reached the top, "wot a pier, and wot +a bit of a place! Why, there don't seem to be fifty houses altogether, +reckoning the windmill in the centre as one. What's this thing?" said +he to a ticket-porter, pointing to a sort of French diligence-looking +concern which had just been pushed up to the landing end. "To carry the +lumber, sir--live and dead--gentlemen and their bags, as don't like to +walk." "Do you charge anything for the ride?" inquired Jorrocks, with +his customary caution. "Nothing," was the answer. "Then, let's get on +the roof," said J----, "and take it easy, and survey the place as we go +along." So, accordingly, we clambered on to the top of the diligence, +"summa diligentia," and seated ourselves on a pile of luggage; being all +stowed away, and as many passengers as it would hold put inside, two +or three porters proceeded to propel the machine along the railroad on +which it runs. "Now, Mr. Yorkshireman," said Jorrocks, "we are in a +strange land, and it behoves us to proceed with caution, or we may spend +our five pounds seven and sixpence before we know where we are." + +_Yorkshireman_. Seven and ninepence it is, sir. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, be it so--five pounds seven and ninepence between two, +is by no means an impossible sum to spend, and the trick is to make +it go as far as we can. Now some men can make one guinea go as far as +others can make two, and we will try what we can do. In the first place, +you know I makes it a rule never to darken the door of a place wot calls +itself an 'otel, for 'otel prices and inn prices are werry different. +You young chaps don't consider these things, and as long as you have +got a rap in the world you go swaggering about, ordering claret and +waxlights, and everything wot's expensive, as though you must spend +money because you are in an inn. Now, that's all gammon. If a man +haven't got money he can't spend it; and we all know that many poor +folks are obliged at times to go to houses of public entertainment, +and you don't suppose that they pay for fire and waxlights, private +sitting-rooms, and all them 'ere sort of things. Now, said he, adjusting +his hunting telescope and raking the town of Herne Bay, towards which we +were gently approaching on our dignified eminence, but as yet had not +got near enough to descry "what was what" with the naked eye, I should +say yon great staring-looking shop directly opposite us is the cock inn +of the place (looks through his glass). I'm right P-i-e-r, Pier 'Otel I +reads upon the top, and that's no shop for my money. Let's see what else +we have. There's nothing on the right, I think, but here on the left is +something like our cut--D-o-l dol, p-h-i-n phin, Dolphin Inn. It's long +since I went the circuit, as the commercial gentlemen (or what were +called bagmen in my days) term it, but I haven't forgot the experience I +gained in my travels, and I whiles turn it to werry good account now. + +"Coach to Canterbury, Deal, Margate, sir, going directly," interrupted +him, and reminded us that we had got to the end of the pier, and ought +to be descending. Two or three coaches were drawn up, waiting to carry +passengers on, but we had got to our journey's end. "Now," said J----, +"let's take our bags in hand and draw up wind, trying the 'Dolphin' +first." + +Rejecting the noble portals of the Pier Hotel, we advanced towards +Jorrocks's chosen house, a plain unpretending-looking place facing the +sea, which is half the battle, and being but just finished had every +chance of cleanliness. "Jonathan Acres" appeared above the door as the +name of the landlord, and a little square-built, hatless, short-haired +chap, in a shooting-jacket, was leaning against the door. "Mr. +Hacres within?" said Jorrocks. "My name's Acres," said he of the +shooting-jacket. "Humph," said J----, looking him over, "not Long Acre, +I think." Having selected a couple of good airy bedrooms, we proceeded +to see about dinner. "Mr. Hacres," said Jorrocks, "I makes it a rule +never to pay more than two and sixpence for a feed, so now just give +us as good a one as you possibly can for that money": and about seven +o'clock we sat down to lamb-chops, ducks, French beans, pudding, etc.; +shortly after which Jorrocks retired to rest, to sleep off the remainder +of his headache. He was up long before me the next morning, and had a +dip in the sea before I came down. "Upon my word," said he, as I entered +the room, and found him looking as lively and fresh as a four-year-old, +"it's worth while going to the lush-crib occasionally, if it's only for +the pleasure of feeling so hearty and fresh as one does on the second +day. I feel just as if I could jump out of my skin, but I will defer the +performance until after breakfast. I have ordered a fork one, do you +know, cold 'am and boiled bacon, with no end of eggs, and bread of every +possible description. By the way, I've scraped acquaintance with Thorp, +the baker hard by, who's a right good fellow, and says he will give me +some shooting, and has some werry nice beagles wot he shoots to. But +here's the grub. Cold 'am in abundance. But, waiter, you should put a +little green garnishing to the dishes, I likes to see it, green is so +werry refreshing to the eye; and tell Mr. Hacres to send up some more +bacon and the bill, when I rings the bell. Nothing like having your bill +the first morning, and then you know what you've got to pay, and can cut +your coat according to your cloth." The bacon soon disappeared, and the +bell being sounded, produced the order. + +"Humph," said J----, casting his eyes over the bill as it lay by the +side of his plate, while he kept pegging away at the contents of the +neighbouring dish--"pretty reasonable, I think--dinners, five shillings, +that's half a crown each; beds, two shillings each; breakfasts, one and +ninepence each, that's cheap for a fork breakfast; but, I say, you had +a pint of sherry after I left you last night, and PALE sherry too! How +could you be such an egreggorus (egregious) ass! That's so like you +young chaps, not to know that the only difference between pale and brown +sherry is, that one has more of the pumpaganus aqua in it than the +other. You should have made it pale yourself, man. But look there. Wot a +go!" + +Our attention was attracted to a youth in spectacles, dressed in a rich +plum-coloured coat, on the outside of a dingy-looking, big-headed, brown +nag, which he was flogging and cramming along the public walk in +front of the "Dolphin," in the most original and ludicrous manner. We +presently recognised him as one of our fellow-passengers of the previous +day, respecting whom Jorrocks and I had had a dispute as to whether he +was a Frenchman or a German. His equestrian performances decided the +point. I never in all my life witnessed such an exhibition, nor one in +which the performer evinced such self-complacency. Whether he had ever +been on horseback before or not I can't tell, but the way in which he +went to work, using the bridle as a sort of rattle to frighten the horse +forward, the way in which he shook the reins, threw his arms about, and +belaboured the poor devil of an animal in order to get him into a canter +(the horse of course turning away every time he saw the blow coming), +and the free, unrestrained liberty he gave to his head, surpassed +everything of the sort I ever saw, and considerably endangered the lives +of several of His Majesty's lieges that happened to be passing. +Instead of getting out of their way, Frenchmanlike, he seemed to think +everything should give way to an equestrian; and I saw him scatter a +party of ladies like a covey of partridges, by riding slap amongst them, +and not even making the slightest apology or obeisance for the rudeness. +There he kept, cantering (or cantering as much as he could induce the +poor rip to do) from one end of the town to the other, conceiving, I +make not the slightest doubt, that he was looked upon with eyes of +admiration by the beholders. He soon created no little sensation, and +before he was done a crowd had collected near the Pier Hotel, to see him +get his horse past (it being a Pier Hotel nag) each time; and I heard +a primitive sort of postman, who was delivering the few letters that +arrive in the place, out of a fish-basket, declare "that he would sooner +kill a horse than lend it to such a chap." Having fretted his hour away, +the owner claimed the horse, and Monsieur was dismounted. + +After surveying the back of the town, we found ourselves rambling in +some beautiful picturesque fields in the rear. Kent is a beautiful +county, and the trimly kept gardens, and the clustering vines twining +around the neatly thatched cottages, remind one of the rich, luxuriant +soil and climate of the South. Forgetting that we were in search of sea +breezes, we continued to saunter on, across one field, over one stile +and then over another, until after passing by the side of a snug-looking +old-fashioned house, with a beautifully kept garden, the road took a +sudden turn and brought us to some parkish-looking well-timbered ground +in front, at one side of which Jorrocks saw something that he swore was +a kennel. + +"I knows a hawk from a hand-saw," said he, "let me alone for that. I'll +swear there are hounds in it. Bless your heart, don't I see a gilt fox +on one end, and a gilt hare on the other?" + +Just then came up a man in a round fustian jacket, to whom Jorrocks +addressed himself, and, as good luck would have it, he turned out to be +the huntsman (for Jorrocks was right about the kennel), and away we went +to look at the hounds. They proved to be Mr. Collard's, the owner of +the house that we had just passed, and were really a very nice pack of +harriers, consisting of seventeen or eighteen couple, kept in better +style (as far as kennel appearance goes) than three-fourths of the +harriers in England. Bird, the huntsman, our cicerone, seemed a regular +keen one in hunting matters, and Jorrocks and he had a long confab about +the "noble art of hunting," though the former was rather mortified to +find on announcing himself as the "celebrated Mr. Jorrocks" that Bird +had never heard of him before. + +After leaving the kennel we struck across a few fields, and soon found +ourselves on the sea banks, along which we proceeded at the rate of +about two miles an hour, until we came to the old church of Reculvers. +Hard by is a public-house, the sign of the "Two Sisters," where, having +each taken a couple of glasses of ale, we proceeded to enjoy one of the +(to me at least) greatest luxuries in life--viz. that of lying on the +shingle of the beach with my heels just at the water's edge. + +The day was intensely hot, and after occupying this position for about +half an hour, and finding the "perpendicular rays of the sun" rather +fiercer than agreeable, we followed the example of a flock of sheep, and +availed ourselves of the shade afforded by the Reculvers. Here for a +short distance along the beach, on both sides, are small breakwaters, +and immediately below the Reculvers is one formed of stake and matting, +capable of holding two persons sofa fashion. Into this Jorrocks and +I crept, the tide being at that particular point that enabled us to +repose, with the water lashing our cradle on both sides, without dashing +high enough to wet us. + +"Oh, but this is fine!" said J----, dangling his arm over the side, and +letting the sea wash against his hand. "I declare it comes fizzing up +just like soda-water out of a bottle--reminds me of the lush-crib. By +the way, Mr. Yorkshireman, I heard some chaps in our inn this morning +talking about this werry place, and one of them said that there used +to be a Roman station, or something of that sort, at it. Did you know +anything of them 'ere ancient Romans? Luxterous dogs, I understand. +If Mr. Nimrod was here now he could tell us all about them, for, if I +mistake not, he was werry intimate with some of them--either he or his +father, at least." + +A boat that had been gradually advancing towards us now run on shore, +close by where we were lying, and one of the crew landed with a jug to +get some beer. A large basket at the end attracted Jorrocks's attention, +and, doglike, he got up and began to hover about and inquire about their +destination of the remaining crew, four in number. They were a cockney +party of pleasure, it seemed, going to fish, for which purpose they had +hired the boat, and laid in no end of bait for the fish, and prog for +themselves. Jorrocks, though no great fisherman (not having, as he says, +patience enough), is never at a loss if there is plenty of eating; and +finding that they had got a great chicken pie, two tongues, and a tart, +agreed to pay for the boat if they would let us in upon equal terms with +themselves as to the provender, which was agreed to without a debate. +The messenger having returned with a gallon of ale, we embarked, and +away we slid through the "glad waters of the dark blue sea." It was +beautifully calm, scarcely a breeze appearing on the surface. After +rowing for about an hour, one of the boatmen began to adjust the lines +and bait the hooks; and having got into what he esteemed a favourite +spot, he cast anchor and prepared for the sport. Each man was prepared +with a long strong cord line, with a couple of hooks fastened to the +ends of about a foot of whalebone, with a small leaden plummet in the +centre. The hooks were baited with sandworms, and the instructions given +were, after sounding the depth, to raise the hooks a little from the +bottom, so as to let them hang conveniently for the fish to swallow. +Great was the excitement as we dropped the lines overboard, as to who +should catch the first whale. Jorrocks and myself having taken the +fishermen's lines from them, we all met upon pretty equal terms, much +like gentlemen jockeys in a race. A dead silence ensued. "I have one!" +cried the youngest of our new friends. "Then pull him up," responded one +of the boatmen, "gently, or you'll lose him." "And so I have, by God! +he's gone." "Well, never mind," said the boatmen, "let's see your +bait--aye, he's got that, too. We'll put some fresh on--there you are +again--all right. Now drop it gently, and when you find you've hooked +him, wind the line quickly, but quietly, and be sure you don't jerk +the hook out of his mouth at starting." "I've got one!" cries +Jorrocks--"I've got one--now, my wig, if I can but land him. I have him, +certainly--by Jove! he's a wopper, too, judging by the way he kicks. Oh, +but it's no use, sir--come along--come along--here he is--doublets, by +crikey--two, huzza! huzza! What fine ones!--young haddocks or codlings, +I should call them--werry nice eating, I dare say--I'm blow'd if this +arn't sport." "I have one," cries our young friend again. "So have I," +shouts another; and just at the same moment I felt the magic touch of +my bait, and in an instant I felt the thrilling stroke. The fish were +absolutely voracious, and we had nothing short of a miraculous draught. +As fast as we could bait they swallowed, and we frequently pulled them +up two at a time. Jorrocks was in ecstasies. "It was the finest sport he +had ever encountered," and he kept halloaing and shouting every time +he pulled them up, as though he were out with the Surrey. Having just +hooked a second couple, he baited again and dropped his line. Two of our +new friends had hooked fish at the same instant, and, in their eagerness +to take them, overbalanced the boat, and Jorrocks, who was leaning over, +went head foremost down into the deeps! + + * * * * * + + +A terrible surprise came over us, and for a second or two we were so +perfectly thunderstruck as to be incapable of rendering any assistance. +A great splash, followed by a slight gurgling sound, as the water +bubbled and subsided o'er the place where he went down, was all that +denoted the exit of our friend. After a considerable dive he rose to the +surface, minus his hat and wig, but speedily disappeared. The anchor +was weighed, oars put out, and the boat rowed to the spot where he last +appeared. He rose a third time, but out of arms' reach, apparently +lifeless, and just as he was sinking, most probably for ever, one of the +men contrived to slip the end of an oar under his arm, and support him +on the water until he got within reach from the boat. + +The consternation when we got him on board was tremendous! Consisting, +as we did, of two parties, neither knowing where the other had come +from, we remained in a state of stupefied horror, indecision, and +amazement for some minutes. The poor old man lay extended in the bottom +of the boat, apparently lifeless, and even if the vital spark had not +fled, there seemed no chance of reaching Herne Bay, whose pier, just +then gilded by the rich golden rays of the setting sun, appeared in +the far distance of the horizon. Where to row to was the question. No +habitation where effective succour could be procured appeared on the +shore, and to proceed without a certain destination was fruitless. +How helpless such a period as this makes a man feel! "Let's make for +Grace's," at length exclaimed one of the boatmen, and the other catching +at the proposition, the head of the boat was whipped round in an +instant, and away we sped through the glassy-surfaced water. Not a word +broke upon the sound of the splashing oars until, nearing the shore, one +of the men, looking round, directed us to steer a little to the right, +in the direction of a sort of dell or land-break, peculiar to the Isle +of Thanet; and presently we ran the head of the boat upon the shingle, +just where a small rivulet that, descending from the higher grounds, +waters the thickly wooded ravine, and discharges itself into the sea. +The entrance of this dell is formed by a lofty precipitous rock, with a +few stunted overhanging trees on one side, while the other is more open +and softened in its aspect, and though steep and narrow at the mouth, +gently slopes away into a brushwood-covered bank, which, stretching up +the little valley, becomes lost in a forest of lofty oaks that close the +inland prospect of the place. Here, to the left (just after one gets +clear of the steeper part), commanding a view of the sea, and yet almost +concealed from the eye of a careless traveller, was a lonely hut (the +back wall formed by an excavation of the sandy rock) and the rest of +clay, supporting a wooden roof, made of the hull of a castaway wreck, +the abode of an old woman, called Grace Ganderne, well known throughout +the whole Isle of Thanet as a poor harmless secluded widow, who +subsisted partly on the charity of her neighbours, and partly on what +she could glean from the smugglers, for the assistance she affords them +in running their goods on that coast; and though she had been at work +for forty years, she had never had the misfortune to be detected in the +act, notwithstanding the many puncheons of spirits and many bales of +goods fished out of the dark woods near her domicile. + +To this spot it was, just as the "setting sun's pathetic light" had been +succeeded by the grey twilight of the evening, that we bore the body +of our unfortunate companion. The door was closed, but Grace being +accustomed to nocturnal visitors, speedily answered the first summons +and presented herself. She was evidently of immense age, being nearly +bowed double, and her figure, with her silvery hair, confined by a blue +checked cotton handkerchief, and palsied hand, as tremblingly she rested +upon her staff and eyed the group, would have made a subject worthy of +the pencil of a Landseer. She was wrapped in an old red cloak, with +a large hood, and in her ears she wore a pair of long gold-dropped +earrings, similar to what one sees among the Norman peasantry--the gift, +as I afterwards learned, of a drowned lover. After scrutinising us for a +second or two, during which time a large black cat kept walking to and +fro, purring and rubbing itself against her, she held back the door +and beckoned us to enter. The little place was cleanly swept up, and +a faggot and some dry brushwood, which she had just lighted for +the purpose of boiling her kettle, threw a gleam of light over the +apartment, alike her bedchamber, parlour, and kitchen. Her curtainless +bed at the side, covered with a coarse brown counterpane, was speedily +prepared for our friend, into which being laid, our new acquaintances +were dispatched in search of doctors, while the boatman and myself, +under the direction of old Grace, applied ourselves to procuring such +restoratives as her humble dwelling afforded. + +"Let Grace alone," said the younger of the boatmen, seeing my affliction +at the lamentable catastrophe, "if there be but a spark of life in the +gentleman, she'll bring him round--many's the drowning man--aye, and +wounded one, too--that's been brought in here during the stormy nights, +and after fights with the coast-guard--that she's recovered." + +Hot bottles, and hot flannels, and hot bricks were all applied, but in +vain; and when I saw hot brandy, too, fail of having the desired effect, +I gave my friend up as lost, and left the hut to vent my grief in the +open air. Grace was more sanguine and persevering, and when I returned, +after a half-hour's absence, I could distinctly feel a returning pulse. +Still, he gave no symptoms of animation, and it might only be the effect +produced by the applications--as he remained in the same state for +several hours. Fresh wood was added to the fire, and the boatmen having +returned to their vessel, Grace and I proceeded to keep watch during +the night, or until the arrival of a doctor. The poor old body, to whom +scenes such as this were matter of frequent occurrence, seemed to think +nothing of it, and proceeded to relate some of the wonderful escapes and +recoveries she had witnessed, in the course of which she dropped many +a sigh to the memory of some of her friends--the bold smugglers. There +were no such "braw lads" now as formerly, she said, and were it not that +"she was past eighty, and might as weel die in one place as anither, +she wad gang back to the bonny blue hulls (hills) of her ain canny +Scotland." + +In the middle of one of her long stories I thought I perceived a +movement of the bedclothes, and, going to look, I found a considerable +increase in the quickness of pulsation, and also a generous sort of glow +upon the skin. "An' ded I no tell ye I wad recover him?" said she, with +a triumphant look. "Afore twa mair hours are o'er he'll spak to ye." "I +hope so, I'm sure," said I, still almost doubting her. "Oh, trust to +me," said she, "he'll come about--I've seen mony a chiel in a mickle +worse state nor him recovered. Pray, is the ould gintleman your father +or your grandfather?" + +_Yorkshireman._ Why, I can't say that he's either exactly--but he's +always been as good as a grandmother to me, I know. + +Grace was right. About three o'clock in the morning a sort of revulsion +of nature took place, and after having lain insensible, and to all +appearance lifeless, all that time, he suddenly began to move. Casting +his eye wildly around, he seemed lost in amazement. He muttered +something, but what it was I could not catch. + +"Lush-crib again, by Jove!" were the first words he articulated, and +then, appearing to recollect himself, he added, "Oh, I forgot, I'm +drowned--well drowned, too--can't be help'd, however--wasn't born to be +hanged--and that seems clear." Thus he kept muttering and mumbling for +an hour, until old Grace thinking him so far recovered as to remove all +danger from sudden surprise, allowed me to take her seat at the bedside. +He looked at me long and intensely, but the light was not sufficiently +strong to enable him to make out who I was. + +"Jorrocks!" at length said I, taking him by the hand, "how are you, my +old boy?" He started at the sound of his name. "Jorrocks," said he, +"who's that?" "Why, the Yorkshireman; you surely have not forgotten your +old friend and companion in a hundred fights!" + +_Jorrocks._ Oh, Mr. York, it's you, is it? Much obliged by your +inquiries, but I'm drowned. + +_Yorkshireman._ Aye, but you are coming round, you'll be better before +long. + +_Jorrocks._ Never! Don't try to gammon me. You know as well as I do that +I'm drowned, and a drowned man never recovers. No, no, it's all up with +me, I feel. Set down, however, while I say a few words to you. You're a +good fellow, and I've remembered you in my will, which you'll find in +the strong port-wine-bin, along with nine pounds secret service money. +I hopes you'll think the legacy a fat one. I meant it as such. If you +marry Belinda, I have left you a third of my fourth in the tea trade. +Always said you were cut out for a grocer. Let Tat sell my stud. An +excellent man, Tat--proudish perhaps--at least, he never inwites me to +none of his dinners--but still a werry good man. Let him sell them, I +say, and mind give Snapdragon a charge or two of shot before he goes +to the 'ammer, to prevent his roaring. Put up a plain monument to my +memory--black or white marble, whichever's cheapest--but mind, no Cupids +or seraphums, or none of those sort of things--quite plain--with just +this upon it--_Hic jacet Jorrocks._ And now I'll give you a bit of news. +Neptune has appointed me huntsman to his pack of haddocks. Have two +dolphins for my own riding, and a young lobster to look after them. +Lord Farebrother whips in to me--he rides a turtle. "And now, my good +friend," said he, grasping my hands with redoubled energy, "do you think +you could accomplish me a rump-steak and oyster sauce?--also a pot of +stout?--but, mind, blow the froth off the top, for it's bad for the +kidneys!" + + +THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities +by Robert Smith Surtees + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + +***** This file should be named 15387.txt or 15387.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/8/15387/ + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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