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diff --git a/15387-h/15387-h.htm b/15387-h/15387-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..385791d --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-h/15387-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,10874 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1"> + <title>Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities</title> + <meta name="author" content="Robert Surtees"> + +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} +p {text-align: justify} +blockquote {text-align: justify} + +hr {width: 50%; text-align: center} +hr.full {width: 100%} +hr.short {width: 20%; text-align: center} + +.note {font-size: 0.8em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%} +.footnote {font-size: 0.8em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%} +.side {padding-left: 10px; font-weight: bold; font-size: 75%; + float: right; margin-left: 10px; border-left: thin dashed; + width: 25%; text-indent: 0px; font-style: italic; text-align: left} + +.lef {float: left} +.mid {text-align: center} +.rig {float: right} + +span.pagenum {font-size: 8pt; left: 91%; right: 1%; position: absolute} +span.linenum {font-size: 8pt; right: 91%; left: 1%; position: absolute} + +.poem {margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; + text-align: left} +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em} +.poem .stanza.i {margin: 1em 0em; font-style: italic;} +.poem p {padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em} +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em} +.poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em} +.poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em} +.poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em} +.poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em} + + + +--> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities, by Robert Smith Surtees + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + +Author: Robert Smith Surtees + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15387] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + + + + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<h1>Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities</h1> +<br> + +<h3>Robert Surtees</h3> +<br><br> + +<p class="mid"><b>CONTENTS</b></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><a href="#I">I.</a> THE SWELL AND THE SURREY</p> +<p><a href="#II">II.</a> THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY</p> +<p><a href="#III">III.</a> SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE</p> +<p><a href="#IV">IV.</a> MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS</p> +<p><a href="#V">V.</a> THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET</p> +<p><a href="#VI">VI.</a> A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY</p> +<p><a href="#VII">VII.</a> AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE</p> +<p><a href="#VIII">VIII.</a> THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH</p> +<p><a href="#IX">IX.</a> MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS</p> +<p><a href="#X">X.</a> SPORTING IN FRANCE</p> +<p><a href="#XI">XI.</a> A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE"</p> +<p><a href="#XII">XII.</a> MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY</p> +<p><a href="#XIII">XIII.</a> THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN</p> + </div> </div> +<br><br> + +<a name="I" id="I"></a> +<h3>I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY</h3> + + +<p>What true-bred city sportsman has not in his day put +off the most urgent business—perhaps his marriage, or +even the interment of his rib—that he might "brave +the morn" with that renowned pack, the Surrey subscription +foxhounds? Lives there, we would ask, a +thoroughbred, prime, bang-up, slap-dash, break-neck, +out-and-out artist, within three miles of the Monument, +who has not occasionally "gone a good 'un" with this +celebrated pack? And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, +born all deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft +have witnessed—nay, shared—the hardy exploits of our +fellow-cits, shall we sit still, and never cease the eternal +twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, while +other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats +of beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father +Thames himself with muddy Whissendine's foul stream? +Away! thou vampire, Indolence, that suckest the marrow +of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of idea ere +yet it float on the milk of reflection. Hence! slug-begotten +hag, thy power is gone—the murky veil thou'st drawn +o'er memory's sweetest page is rent!</p> + +<blockquote><p> +Harp of Eastcheap, awake! +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Our thoughts hark back to the cover-side, and our +heart o'erflows with recollections of the past, when life +rode the pace through our veins, and the bark of the +veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest costermonger's +sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more musical sounds than +Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalani's clamorous caterwaulings.</p> + +<p>And, thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow—chaste Diana—deign +to become the leading star of our lucubrations; +come perch upon our grey goose quill; shout in our ear +the maddening Tally-ho! and ever and anon give a +salutary "refresher" to our memory with thy heaven-wrought +spurs—those spurs old Vulcan forged when in +his maddest mood—whilst we relate such feats of town-born +youths and city squires, as shall "harrow up the +souls" of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and "fright +their grass-galloping garrons from their propriety." But +gently, Pegasus!—Here again, boys, and "let's to +business," as they say on 'Change.</p> + +<p>'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that +such portion of a county as is hunted by any one pack +of hounds is technically denominated their country; +and of all countries under the sun, that of the Surrey +subscription foxhounds undoubtedly bears the bell. +This superiority arises from the peculiar nature of the +soil—wretched starvation stuff most profusely studded +with huge sharp flints—the abundance of large woods, +particularly on the Kent side, and the range of mountainous +hills that run directly through the centre, which +afford accommodation to the timid, and are unknown +in most counties and unequalled in any.</p> + +<p>One of the most striking features in the aspect of +this chosen region of fox-hunting, is the quiet easy +manner in which the sportsmen take the thing. On they +go—now trotting gently over the flints—now softly +ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous +hill—now quietly following each other in long-drawn +files, like geese, through some close and deep ravine, +or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their never-ceasing +holloas—every man shouting in proportion to +the amount of his subscription, until day is made +horrible with their yelling. There is no pushing, jostling, +rushing, cramming, or riding over one another; no +jealousy, discord, or daring; no ridiculous foolhardy +feats; but each man cranes and rides, and rides and +cranes in a style that would gladden the eye of a +director of an insurance office.</p> + +<p>The members of the Surrey are the people that +combine business with pleasure, and even in the severest +run can find time for sweet discourse, and talk about the +price of stocks or stockings. "Yooi wind him there, good +dog, yooi wind him."—"Cottons is fell."—"Hark to +Cottager! Hark!"—"Take your bill at three months, +or give you three and a half discount for cash." "Eu in +there, eu in, Cheapside, good dog."—"Don't be in a +hurry, sir, pray. He may be in the empty casks behind +the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push +him out."—"You're not going down that bank, surely +sir? Why, it's almost perpendicular! For God's sake, sir, +take care—remember you are not insured. Ah! you +had better get off—here, let me hold your nag, and when +you're down you can catch mine;—that's your sort but +mind he doesn't break the bridle. He won't run away, +for he knows I've got some sliced carrots in my pocket +to reward him if he does well.—Thank you, sir, and now +for a leg up—there we are—that's your sort—I'll wait +till you are up also, and we'll be off together."</p> + +<p>It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business +of life with the energetic sports of the field, that constitutes +the charm of Surrey hunting; and who can +wonder that smoke-dried cits, pent up all the week, +should gladly fly from their shops to enjoy a day's +sport on a Saturday? We must not, however, omit +to express a hope that young men, who have their way +to make in the world, may not be led astray by its +allurements. It is all very well for old-established shopkeepers +"to do a bit of pleasure" occasionally, but the +apprentice or journeyman, who understands his duties +and the tricks of his trade, will never be found capering +in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place is +behind the counter; and while his master is away +enjoying the pleasures of the chase, he can prig as +much "pewter" from the till as will take both himself +and his lass to Sadler's Wells theatre, or any other +place she may choose to appoint.</p> + +<p>But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, +nine miles from the standard in Cornhill, is the general +rendezvous of the gallant sportsmen. It is the principal +market town in the eastern division of the county of +Surrey; and the chaw-bacons who carry the produce of +their acres to it, instead of to the neighbouring village +of London, retain much of their pristine barbarity. The +town furnishes an interesting scene on a hunting morning, +particularly on a Saturday. At an early hour, groups +of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from the London +side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches,<a id="footnotetag1" name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> some in taxed +carts, but the greater number mounted on good serviceable-looking +nags, of the invaluable species, calculated +for sport or business, "warranted free from vice, and +quiet both to ride and in harness"; some few there are, +who, with that kindness and considerate attention which +peculiarly mark this class of sportsmen, have tacked a +buggy to their hunter, and given a seat to a friend, who +leaning over the back of the gig, his jocund phiz turned +towards his fidus Achates, leads his own horse behind, +listening to the discourse of "his ancient," or regaling +him "with sweet converse"; and thus they onward jog, +until the sign of the "Greyhound," stretching quite +across the main street, greets their expectant optics, +and seems to forbid their passing the open portal below. +In they wend then, and having seen their horses +"sorted," and the collar marks (as much as may be) +carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due +quantity of grease and lamp-black, speed in to "mine +host" and order a sound repast of the good things of +this world; the which to discuss, they presently apply +themselves with a vigour that indicates as much a +determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in +stock against the effects of future exertion. Meanwhile +the bustle increases; sportsmen arrive by the score, +fresh tables are laid out, covered with "no end" of +vivers; and towards the hour of nine, may be heard to +perfection, that pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing +from the masticatory organs of a number of men steadfastly +and studiously employed in the delightful occupation +of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. "O +noctes coenęque Deūm," said friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting +breakfasts! say we. Where are now the jocund laugh, +the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the last debate? As +our sporting contemporary, the <i>Quarterly</i>, said, when +describing the noiseless pursuit of old reynard by the +Quorn: "Reader, there is no crash now, and not much +music." It is the tinker that makes a great noise over +a little work, but, at the pace these men are eating, +there is no time for babbling. So, gentle lector, there is +now no leisure for bandying compliments, 'tis your +small eater alone who chatters o'er his meals; your +true-born sportsman is ever a silent and, consequently, +an assiduous grubber. True it is that occasionally +space is found between mouthfuls to vociferate +"WAITER!" in a tone that requires not repetition; +and most sonorously do the throats of the assembled +eaters re-echo the sound; but this is all—no useless +exuberance of speech—no, the knife or fork is directed +towards what is wanted, nor needs there any more +expressive intimation of the applicant's wants.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b><a href="#footnotetag1"> (return) </a> The date of this description, it must be remembered, is put +many years back.</blockquote> + +<p>At length the hour of ten approaches; bills are paid, +pocket-pistols filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses +accoutred, and our bevy straddle forth into the town, +to the infinite gratification of troops of dirty-nosed +urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in +at the windows, impatiently watching for the <i>exeunt</i> +of our worthies.—They mount, and away—trot, trot—bump, +bump—trot, trot—bump, bump—over Addington +Heath, through the village, and up the hill to Hayes +Common, which having gained, spurs are applied, and +any slight degree of pursiness that the good steeds may +have acquired by standing at livery in Cripplegate, or +elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a smart +brush over the turf, to the "Fox," at Keston, where +a numerous assemblage of true sportsmen patiently +await the usual hour for throwing off. At length time +being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, and +Mr. Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal +subscribers having cast up, the hounds approach the +cover. "Yooi in there!" shouts Tom Hills, who has +long hunted this crack pack; and crack! crack! crack! +go the whips of some scores of sportsmen. "Yelp, +yelp, yelp," howl the hounds; and in about a quarter +of an hour Tom has not above four or five couple at +his heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad +at a gap in the fence by the wood-side; the old nag goes +well at it, but stops short at the critical moment, and, +instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels round. +Tom, however, who is "large in the boiling pieces," as +they say at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight +from being shaken out of his saddle; and, being resolved +to take no denial, he lays the crop of his hunting-whip +about the head of his beast, and runs him at the same +spot a second time, with an <i>obligato</i> accompaniment of +his spur-rowels, backed by a "curm along then!" issued +in such a tone as plainly informs his quadruped he is in +no joking humour. These incentives succeed in landing +Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when, immediately, +the wood begins to resound with shouts of +"Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks push him +up, yoicks wind him!" and the whole pack begin to +work like good 'uns. Occasionally may be heard the +howl of some unfortunate hound that has been caught +in a fox trap, or taken in a hare snare; and not unfrequently +the discordant growls of some three or four +more, vociferously quarrelling over the venerable +remains of some defunct rabbit. "Oh, you rogues!" +cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously fond of the sport. +After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the wood +for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastising the +gourmands. Another quarter of an hour, and a hound +that has finished his coney bone slips out of the wood, +and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, no +doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching +his hide among brambles in the covers. "Hounds have +no right to opine," opines the head whipper-in; so +clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the +delinquent round the common, with "Markis, Markis! +what are you at, Markis? get into cover, Markis!" +But "it's no go"; Marquis creeps through a hedge, +and "grins horribly a ghastly smile" at his ruthless +tormentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had +an excuse for taking "a bit gallop"! Half an hour more +slips away, and some of the least hasty of our cits begin +to wax impatient, in spite of the oft-repeated admonition, +"don't be in a hurry!" At length a yokel pops out +of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered breath, +informs the field that he has been "a-hollorin' to 'em for +half an hour," and that the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, +'most as soon as ever the 'oounds went into 'ood."</p> + +<p>All is now hurry-scurry—girths are tightened—reins +gathered up—half-munched sandwiches thrust into the +mouth—pocket-pistols applied to—coats comfortably +buttoned up to the throat; and, these preparations +made, away goes the whole field, "coolly and fairly," +along the road to Leaves Green and Crown Ash Hill—from +which latter spot, the operations of the pack in +the bottom may be comfortably and securely viewed—leaving +the whips to flog as many hounds out of cover +as they can, and Tom to entice as many more as are +willing to follow the "twang, twang, twang" of his horn.</p> + +<p>And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been +seduced from the wood, forth sallies "Tummas," and +making straight for the spot where our yokel's "mate" +stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him the +exact latitude and longitude of the spot where reynard +broke through the hedge. To this identical place is the +pack forthwith led; and, no sooner have they reached it, +than the wagging of their sterns clearly shows how +genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at length, first +looking up in Tom's face for applause, ventures to send +forth a long-drawn howl, which, coupled with Tom's +screech, setting the rest agog, away they all go, like +beans; and the wind, fortunately setting towards Westerham, +bears the melodious sound to the delighted ears +of our "roadsters," who, forthwith catching the infection, +respond with deafening shouts and joyous yells, +set to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony. +Thus, what with Tom's horn, the holloaing of the whips, +and the shouts of the riders, a very pretty notion may +be formed of what Virgil calls:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Clamorque virūm, clangorque tubarum."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>A terrible noise is the result!</p> + +<p>At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come to +fault in the bottom, below the blacksmith's, at Crown +Ash Hill, and the fox has a capital chance; in fact, +they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, which +rushed out before them, and finding their mistake, +return at their leisure. This gives the most daring of +the field, on the eminence, an opportunity of descending +to view the sport more closely; and being assembled in +the bottom, each congratulates his neighbour on the +excellent condition and stanchness of the hounds, and +the admirable view that has been afforded them of +their peculiar style of hunting. At this interesting period, +a "regular swell" from Melton Mowbray, unknown to +everyone except his tailor, to whom he owes a long +tick, makes his appearance and affords abundance of +merriment for our sportsmen. He is just turned out +of the hands of his valet, and presents the very beau-ideal +of his caste—"quite the lady," in fact. His hat +is stuck on one side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed +ringlets; a corresponding infinity of whisker, terminating +at the chin, there joins an enormous pair of moustaches, +which give him the appearance of having caught the +fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His +neck is very stiff; and the exact Jackson-like fit of his +coat, which almost nips him in two at the waist, and his +superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,<a id="footnotetag2" name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a> together +with the perfume and the general puppyism of his +appearance, proclaim that he is a "swell" of the very +first water, and one that a Surrey sportsman would like +to buy at his own price and sell at the other's. In addition +to this, his boots, which his "fellow" has just +denuded from a pair of wash-leather covers, are of the +finest, brightest, blackest patent leather imaginable; +the left one being the identical boot by which Warren's +monkey shaved himself, while the right is the one at +which the game-cock pecked, mistaking its own shadow +for an opponent, the mark of its bill being still visible +above the instep; and the tops—whose pampered +appetites have been fed on champagne—are of the +most delicate cream-colour, the whole devoid of mud +or speck. The animal he bestrides is no less calculated +than himself to excite the risible faculties of the field, +being a sort of mouse colour, with dun mane and tail, +got by Nicolo, out of a flibbertigibbet mare, and he +stands seventeen hands and an inch. His head is small +and blood-like, his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very +long and spidery, of course without any hair at the +pasterns to protect them from the flints; his whole +appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile +hunters' stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than +contend for foxes' brushes in such a splendid country +as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail stuck +tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all +the world as if troubled with a fit of ague. And well he +may, poor beast, for—oh, men of Surrey, London, Kent, +and Middlesex, hearken to my word—on closer inspection +he proves to have been shaved!!!<a id="footnotetag3" name="footnotetag3"></a><a href="#footnote3"><sup>3</sup></a></p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote2" name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b><a href="#footnotetag2"> (return) </a> Anderson, of South Audley Street, is, or was, a famous +breeches-maker.</blockquote> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote3" name="footnote3"></a><b>Footnote 3:</b><a href="#footnotetag3"> (return) </a> Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back. It +was succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing.</blockquote> + +<p>After a considerable time spent in casting to the +right, the left, and the rear, "True-bouy" chances to +take a fling in advance, and hitting upon the scent, +proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing all +his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over some +brick-fields and flint-beds, to an old lady's flower-garden, +through which they carry it with a surprising +head into the fields beyond, when they begin to fall +into line, and the sportsmen doing the same—"one at +a time and it will last the longer"—"Tummas" tootles +his horn, the hunt is up, and away they all rattle at +"Parliament pace," as the hackney-coachmen say.</p> + +<p>Our swell, who flatters himself he can "ride a few," +according to the fashion of his country, takes up a line +of his own, abreast of the leading hounds, notwithstanding +the oft vociferated cry of "Hold hard, sir!" "Pray, +hold hard, sir!" "For God's sake, hold hard, sir!" +"G—d d—n you, hold hard, sir!" "Where the h—ll +are you going to, sir?" and other familiar inquiries and +benedictions, with which a stranger is sometimes greeted, +who ventures to take a look at a strange pack of hounds.</p> + +<p>In the meantime the fox, who has often had a game +at romps with his pursuers, being resolved this time to +give them a tickler, bears straight away for Westerham, +to the infinite satisfaction of the "hill folks," who thus +have an excellent opportunity of seeing the run without +putting their horses to the trouble of "rejoicing in their +strength, or pawing in the valley." But who is so fortunate +as to be near the scene of action in this second +scurry, almost as fast as the first? Our fancy supplies +us, and there not being many, we will just initialise +them all, and let he whom the cap fits put it on.</p> + +<p>If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three +couple of hounds that are leading by some half mile or +so, we shall see "Swell"—like a monkey on a giraffe—striding +away in the true Leicestershire style; the animal +contracting its stride after every exertion in pulling its +long legs out of the deep and clayey soil, until the +Bromley barber, who has been quilting his mule along +at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon at anyone presuming +to exercise his profession upon a dumb brute, +overtakes him, and in the endeavour to pass, lays it +into his mule in a style that would insure him rotatory +occupation at Brixton for his spindles, should any +member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty +to Animals witness his proceedings; while his friend +and neighbour old B——, the tinker, plies his little +mare with the Brummagems, to be ready to ride over +"Swell" the instant the barber gets him down. On the +right of the leading hounds are three crack members of +the Surrey, Messrs. B—e, S—bs, and B—l, all lads who +can go; while a long way in the rear of the body of the +pack are some dozen, who, while they sat on the hills, +thought they could also, but who now find out their +mistake. Down Windy Lane, a glimpse of a few red +coats may be caught passing the gaps and weak parts +of the fence, among whom we distinctly recognise the +worthy master of the pack, followed by Jorrocks, with +his long coat-laps floating in the breeze, who thinking +that "catching-time" must be near at hand, and being +dearly fond of blood, has descended from his high station +to witness the close of the scene. "Vot a pace! and vot a +country!" cries the grocer, standing high in his stirrups, +and bending over the neck of his chestnut as though he +were meditating a plunge over his head; "how they +stick to him! vot a pack! by Jove they are at fault +again. Yooi, Pilgrim! Yooi, Warbler, ma load! (lad). +Tom, try down the hedge-row." "Hold your jaw, +Mr. J——," cries Tom, "you are always throwing that +red rag of yours. I wish you would keep your potato-trap +shut. See! you've made every hound throw up, +and it's ten to one that ne'er a one among 'em will +stoop again." "Yonder he goes," cries a cock of the old +school, who used to hunt with Colonel Jolliffe's hounds, +and still sports the long blue surtout lined with orange, +yellow-ochre unmentionables, and mahogany-coloured +knee-caps, with mother-of-pearl buttons. "Yonder he +goes among the ship (sheep), for a thousand! see how the +skulking waggabone makes them scamper." At this +particular moment a shrill scream is heard at the far +end of a long shaw, and every man pushes on to the +best of his endeavour. "Holloo o-o-u, h'loo o-o-u, h'loo—o-o-u, +gone away! gone away! forward! forrard! hark +back! hark forrard! hark forrard! hark back!" resounds +from every mouth. "He's making for the 'oods beyond +Addington, and we shall have a rare teaser up these hills," +cries Jorrocks, throwing his arms round his horse's neck +as he reaches the foot of them.—"D—n your hills," +cries "Swell," as he suddenly finds himself sitting on +the hindquarters of his horse, his saddle having slipped +back for want of a breastplate,—"I wish the hills had +been piled on your back, and the flints thrust down your +confounded throat, before I came into such a cursed +provincial." "Haw, haw, haw!" roars a Croydon butcher. +"What don't 'e like it, sir, eh? too sharp to be pleasant, +eh?—Your nag should have put on his boots before he +showed among us."</p> + +<p>"He's making straight for Fuller's farm," exclaims a +thirsty veteran on reaching the top, "and I'll pull up +and have a nip of ale, please God." "Hang your ale," +cries a certain sporting cheesemonger, "you had better +come out with a barrel of it tacked to your horse's +tail."—"Or 'unt on a steam-engine," adds his friend +the omnibus proprietor, "and then you can brew as +you go." "We shall have the Croydon Canal," cries +Mr. H——n, of Tottenham, who knows every flint in +the country, "and how will you like that, my hearties?" +"Curse the Croydon Canal," bawls the little Bromley +barber, "my mule can swim like a soap-bladder, and my +toggery can't spoil, thank God!"</p> + +<p>The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's farm, +the villain finds no place to hide; and in two minutes, or +less, the canal appears in view. It is full of craft, and the +locks are open, but there is a bridge about half a mile to +the right. "If my horse can do nothing else he can jump +this," cries "Swell," as he gathers him together, and +prepares for the effort. He hardens his heart and goes +at it full tilt, and the leggy animal lands him three +yards on the other side. "Curse this fellow," cries +Jorrocks, grinning with rage as he sees "Swell" skimming +through the air like a swallow on a summer's eve, "he'll +have a laugh at the Surrey, for ever and ever, Amen. +Oh, dear! oh, dear! I wish I durst leap it. What shall +I do? Here bargee," cries he to a bargeman, "lend us a +help over and I'll give you ninepence." The bargeman +takes him at his word, and getting the vessel close to the +water's edge, Jorrocks has nothing to do but ride in, +and, the opposite bank being accommodating, he lands +without difficulty. Ramming his spurs into his nag, he +now starts after "Swell," who is sailing away with a +few couple of hounds that took the canal; the body of +the pack and all the rest of the field—except the Bromley +barber, who is now floundering in the water—having +gone round to the bridge.</p> + +<p>The country is open, the line being across commons +and along roads, so that Jorrocks, who is not afraid of +"the pace" so long as there is no leaping, has a pretty +good chance with "Swell." The scene now shifts. On +turning out of a lane, along which they have just rattled, +a fence of this description appears: The bottom part is +made of flints, and the upper part of mud, with gorse +stuck along the top, and there is a gutter on each side. +Jorrocks, seeing that a leap is likely, hangs astern, and +"Swell," thinking to shake off his only opponent, and to +have a rare laugh at the Surrey when he gets back to +Melton, puts his nag at it most manfully, who, though +somewhat blown, manages to get his long carcass over, +but, unfortunately alighting on a bed of flints on the far +side, cuts a back sinew, and "Swell" measures his length +on the headland. Jorrocks then pulls up.</p> + +<p>The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death, +and we are happy in being able to gratify our readers +with a similar entertainment. Already have the best-mounted +men in the field attained the summit of one of +the Mont Blancs of the country, when on looking down +the other side of the "mountain's brow," they, to their +infinite astonishment, espy at some distance our "Swell" +dismounted and playing at "pull devil, pull baker" +with the hounds, whose discordant bickerings rend the +skies. "Whoo-hoop!" cries one; "whoo-hoop!" responds +another; "whoo-hoop!" screams a third; and the contagion +spreading, and each man dismounting, they +descend the hill with due caution, whoo-hooping, +hallooing, and congratulating each other on the splendour +of the run, interspersed with divers surmises as +to what mighty magic had aided the hounds in getting +on such good terms with the warmint, and exclamations +at the good fortune of the stranger, in being able (by +nicking,<a id="footnotetag4" name="footnotetag4"></a><a href="#footnote4"><sup>4</sup></a> and the fox changing his line) to get in at +the finish.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote4" name="footnote4"></a><b>Footnote 4:</b><a href="#footnotetag4"> (return) </a> A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members +of the hunt.</blockquote> + +<p>And now some dozens of sportsmen quietly ambling +up to the scene of action, view with delight (alone +equalled by their wonder at so unusual and unexpected +an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as they dispute +with each other the possession of their victim's remains, +when suddenly a gentleman, clad in a bright green silk-velvet +shooting-coat, with white leathers, and Hessian +boots with large tassels, carrying his Joe Manton on his +shoulder, issues from an adjoining coppice, and commences +a loud complaint of the "unhandsome conduct +of the gentlemen's 'ounds in devouring the 'are (hare) +which he had taken so much pains to shoot." Scarcely +are these words out of his mouth than the whole hunt, +from Jorrocks downwards, let drive such a rich torrent +of abuse at our unfortunate <i>chasseur</i>, that he is fain to +betake himself to his heels, leaving them undisputed +masters of the field.</p> + +<p>The visages of our sportsmen become dismally +lengthened on finding that their fox has been "gathered +unto his fathers" by means of hot lead and that villainous +saltpetre "digged out of the bowels of the +harmless earth"; some few, indeed, there are who are +bold enough to declare that the pack has actually made +a meal of a hare, and that their fox is snugly earthed in +the neighbouring cover. However, as there are no +"reliquias Danaum," to prove or disprove this assertion, +Tom Hills, having an eye to the cap-money, ventures to +give it as his opinion, that pug has fairly yielded to his +invincible pursuers, without having "dropped to shot." +This appearing to give very general satisfaction, the +first whip makes no scruple of swearing that he saw +the hounds pull him down fairly; and Peckham, drawing +his mouth up on one side, with his usual intellectual +grin, takes a similar affidavit. The Bromley barber too, +anxious to have it to say that he has for once been in +at the death of a fox, vows by his beard that he saw +the "varmint" lathered in style; and these protestations +being received with clamorous applause, and +everyone being pleased to have so unusual an event to +record to his admiring spouse, agrees that a fox has not +only been killed, but killed in a most sportsmanlike, +workmanlike, businesslike manner; and long and loud +are the congratulations, great is the increased importance +of each man's physiognomy, and thereupon they all lug +out their half-crowns for Tom Hills.</p> + +<p>In the meantime our "Swell" lays hold of his nag—who +is sorely damaged with the flints, and whose wind +has been pretty well pumped out of him by the hills—and +proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly +promising himself for the future most studiously to +avoid the renowned county of Surrey, its woods, its +barbers, its mountains, and its flints, and to leave +more daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it +presents; most religiously resolving, at the same time, +to return as speedily as possible to his dear Leicestershire, +there to amble o'er the turf, and fancy himself +an "angel on horseback." The story of the country +mouse, who must needs see the town, occurs forcibly +to his recollection, and he exclaims aloud:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> "me sylva, cavusque</p> +<p>Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>On overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to his +brother subscribers, and informs them, very gravely, +that the stranger is no less a personage than "Prince +Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and minister +plenipotentiary extraordinary," whereupon the whole +field join in wishing him safe back in Russia—or anywhere +else—and wonder at his incredible assurance in +supposing that he could cope with THE SURREY HUNT.</p> +<br><br> + +<a name="II" id="II"></a> +<h3>II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY</h3> + +<p>It is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds they +individually hunt with are the best—compared with +them all others are "slow."</p> + +<p>Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks—who +in addition to the conspicuous place he holds in +the Surrey Hunt, as shown in the preceding chapter, we +should introduce to our readers as a substantial grocer +in St. Botolph's Lane, with an elegant residence in +Great Coram Street, Russell Square—has his full, if +not rather more than his fair share. Vanity, however, +is never satisfied without display, and Mr. Jorrocks +longed for a customer before whom he could exhibit +the prowess of his<a id="footnotetag5" name="footnotetag5"></a><a href="#footnote5"><sup>5</sup></a> pack.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote5" name="footnote5"></a><b>Footnote 5:</b><a href="#footnotetag5"> (return) </a> Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the +hounds as their own.</blockquote> + +<p>Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman, who +frequently appearing in subsequent pages, we may +introduce as a loosish sort of hand, up to anything +in the way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash—a +character so common in London, as to render further +description needless.</p> + +<p>Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a +dragoon, is nothing without his horse, and if he does +understand anything better than racing—it is hunting. +Our readers will therefore readily conceive that a Yorkshireman +is more likely to be astonished at the possibility +of fox-hunting from London, than captivated by the +country, or style of turn-out; and in truth, looking at +it calmly and dispassionately, in our easy-chair drawn +to a window which overlooks the cream of the grazing +grounds in the Vale of White Horse, it does strike us +with astonishment, that such a thing as a fox should be +found within a day's ride of the suburbs. The very idea +seems preposterous, for one cannot but associate the +charms of a "find" with the horrors of "going to +ground" in an omnibus, or the fox being headed by a +great Dr. Eady placard, or some such monstrosity. +Mr. Mayne,<a id="footnotetag6" name="footnotetag6"></a><a href="#footnote6"><sup>6</sup></a> to be sure, has brought racing home to +every man's door, but fox-hunting is not quite so +tractable a sport. But to our story.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote6" name="footnote6"></a><b>Footnote 6:</b><a href="#footnotetag6"> (return) </a> The promoter of the Hippodrome, near Bayswater—a +speculation that soon came to grief.</blockquote> + +<p>It was on a nasty, cold, foggy, dark, drizzling morning +in the month of February, that the Yorkshireman, having +been offered a "mount" by Mr. Jorrocks, found himself +shivering under the Piazza in Covent Garden about seven +o'clock, surrounded by cabs, cabbages, carrots, ducks, +dollys, and drabs of all sorts, waiting for his horse and +the appearance of the friend who had seduced him into +the extraordinary predicament of attiring himself in +top-boots and breeches in London. After pacing up and +down some minutes, the sound of a horse's hoofs were +heard turning down from Long Acre, and reaching the +lamp-post at the corner of James Street, his astonished +eyes were struck with the sight of a man in a capacious, +long, full-tailed, red frock coat reaching nearly to his +spurs, with mother-of-pearl buttons, with sporting +devices—which afterwards proved to be foxes, done in +black—brown shag breeches, that would have been +spurned by the late worthy master of the Hurworth,<a id="footnotetag7" name="footnotetag7"></a><a href="#footnote7"><sup>7</sup></a> +and boots, that looked for all the world as if they were +made to tear up the very land and soil, tied round the +knees with pieces of white tape, the flowing ends of +which dangled over the mahogany-coloured tops. +Mr. Jorrocks—whose dark collar, green to his coat, +and <i>tout ensemble</i>, might have caused him to be mistaken +for a mounted general postman—was on a most +becoming steed—a great raking, raw-boned chestnut, +with a twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated with a +faded yellow silk front, a nose-band, and an ivory +ring under his jaws, for the double purpose of keeping +the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head—the +nag having flattened the noses and otherwise +damaged the countenances of his two previous owners, +who had not the knack of preventing him tossing his +head in their faces. The saddle—large and capacious—made +on the principle of the impossibility of putting +a round of beef upon a pudding plate—was "spick and +span new," as was an enormous hunting-whip, whose +iron-headed hammer he clenched in a way that would +make the blood curdle in one's veins, to see such an +instrument in the hands of a misguided man.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote7" name="footnote7"></a><b>Footnote 7:</b><a href="#footnotetag7"> (return) </a> The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called "Matty Wilkinson," +master of the Hurworth foxhounds, was a rigid adherent +of the "d——n-all-dandy" school of sportsmen.</blockquote> + +<p>"Punctuality is the politeness of princes," said +Mr. Jorrocks, raising a broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned +hat, as high as a green hunting-cord which tackled +it to his yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow, +as he came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner. "My +soul's on fire and eager for the chase! By heavens, I declare +I've dreamt of nothing else all night, and the worst +of it is, that in a par-ox-ism of delight, when I thought +I saw the darlings running into the warmint, I brought +Mrs. J—— such a dig in the side as knocked her out of +bed, and she swears she'll go to Jenner, and the court +for the protection of injured ribs! But come—jump up—where's +your nag? Binjimin, you blackguard, where +are you? The fog is blinding me, I declare! Binjimin, +I say! Binjimin! you willain, where are you?"</p> + +<p>"Here, sir! coming!" responded a voice from the +bottom of one of the long mugs at a street breakfast +stall, which the fog almost concealed from their view, +and presently an urchin in a drab coat and blue collar +came towing a wretched, ewe-necked, hungry-looking, +roan rosinante along from where he had been regaling +himself with a mug of undeniable bohea, sweetened with +a composition of brown sugar and sand.</p> + +<p>"Now be after getting up," said Jorrocks, "for time +and the Surrey 'ounds wait for no man. That's not a +werry elegant tit, but still it'll carry you to Croydon +well enough, where I'll put you on a most undeniable +bit of 'orse-flesh—a reg'lar clipper. That's a hack—what +they calls three-and-sixpence a side, but I only +pays half a crown. Now, Binjimin, cut away home, +and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at half-past five +to a minute, and to be most particular in doing the +lamb to a turn."</p> + +<p>The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the old +flat-flapped hack saddle, and got his stirrups let out +from "Binjimin's" length to his own, gathered up the +stiff, weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a touch +with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr. Jorrocks. +The morning appeared to be getting worse. Instead of +the grey day-dawn of the country, when the thin +transparent mist gradually rises from the hills, revealing +an unclouded landscape, a dense, thick, yellow fog came +rolling in masses along the streets, obscuring the gas +lights, and rendering every step one of peril. It could be +both eat and felt, and the damp struck through their +clothes in the most summary manner. "This is bad," +said Mr. Jorrocks, coughing as he turned the corner by +Drury Lane, making for Catherine Street, and upset an +early breakfast and periwinkle stall, by catching one +corner of the fragile fabric with his toe, having ridden +too near to the pavement. "Where are you for now? +and bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster!" roared a stout +Irish wench, emerging from a neighbouring gin-palace +on seeing the dainty viands rolling in the street. "Cut +away!" cried Jorrocks to his friend, running his horse +between one of George Stapleton's dust-carts and a +hackney-coach, "or the Philistines will be upon us." +The fog and crowd concealed them, but "Holloa! mind +where you're going, you great haw-buck!" from a buy-a-hearth-stone +boy, whose stock-in-trade Jorrocks nearly +demolished, as he crossed the corner of Catherine Street +before him, again roused his vigilance. "The deuce be +in the fog," said he, "I declare I can't see across the +Strand. It's as dark as a wolf's mouth.—Now where +are you going to with that meazly-looking cab of yours?—you've +nearly run your shafts into my 'oss's ribs!" +cried he to a cabman who nearly upset him. The Strand +was kept alive by a few slip-shod housemaids, on their +marrow-bones, washing the doorsteps, or ogling the +neighbouring pot-boy on his morning errand for the +pewters. Now and then a crazy jarvey passed slowly by, +while a hurrying mail, with a drowsy driver and sleeping +guard, rattled by to deliver their cargo at the post +office. Here and there appeared one of those beings, +who like the owl hide themselves by day, and are visible +only in the dusk. Many of them appeared to belong to +the other world. Poor, puny, ragged, sickly-looking +creatures, that seemed as though they had been suckled +and reared with gin. "How different," thought the +Yorkshireman to himself, "to the fine, stout, active +labourer one meets at an early hour on a hunting +morning in the country!" His reverie was interrupted +on arriving opposite the <i>Morning Chronicle</i> office, by +the most discordant yells that ever issued from human +beings, and on examining the quarter from whence they +proceeded, a group of fifty or a hundred boys, or rather +little old men, were seen with newspapers in their hands +and under their arms, in all the activity of speculation +and exchange. "A clean <i>Post</i> for Tuesday's <i>Times</i>!" +bellowed one. "I want the <i>Hurl</i>! (Herald) for the +<i>Satirist</i>!" shouted another. "Bell's <i>Life</i> for the <i>Bull</i>! +<i>The Spectator</i> for the <i>Sunday Times</i>!"</p> + +<p>The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a +change of the chorus, and immediately Jorrocks was +assailed with "A hunter! a hunter! crikey, a hunter! +My eyes! there's a gamecock for you! Vot a beauty! +Vere do you turn out to-day? Vere's the stag? Don't +tumble off, old boy! 'Ave you got ever a rope in your +pocket? Take Bell's <i>Life in London</i>, vot contains all +the sporting news of the country! Vot a vip the gemman's +got! Vot a precious basternadering he could give +us—my eyes, <i>vot a swell!—vot a shocking bad hat!</i><a id="footnotetag8" name="footnotetag8"></a><a href="#footnote8"><sup>8</sup></a>—vot +shocking bad breeches!"</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote8" name="footnote8"></a><b>Footnote 8:</b><a href="#footnotetag8"> (return) </a> "Vot a shocking bad hat!"—a slang cockney phrase of +1831.</blockquote> + +<p>The fog, which became denser at every step, by the +time they reached St. Clement's Danes rendered their +further progress almost impossible.—"Oh, dear! oh, +dear! how unlucky," exclaimed Jorrocks, "I would +have given twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine +day—and see what a thing we've got! Hold my 'oss," +said he to the Yorkshireman, "while I run into the +'Angel,' and borrow an argand burner, or we shall be +endorsed<a id="footnotetag9" name="footnotetag9"></a><a href="#footnote9"><sup>9</sup></a> to a dead certainty." Off he got, and ran to +the inn. Presently he emerged from the yard—followed +by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters, cads, waiters +and others, amid loud cries of "Flare up, flare up, old +cock! talliho fox-hunter!"—with a bright mail-coach +footboard lamp, strapped to his middle, which, lighting +up the whole of his broad back now cased in scarlet, +gave him the appearance of a gigantic red-and-gold insurance +office badge, or an elderly cherub without wings.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote9" name="footnote9"></a><b>Footnote 9:</b><a href="#footnotetag9"> (return) </a> City—for having a pole run into one's rear.</blockquote> + +<p>The hackney-coach-and cab-men, along whose lines +they passed, could not make him out at all. Some +thought he was a mail-coach guard riding post with +the bags; but as the light was pretty strong he trotted +on regardless of observation. The fog, however, abated +none of its denseness even on the "Surrey side," and +before they reached the "Elephant and Castle," Jorrocks +had run against two trucks, three watercress women, +one pies-all-ot!-all-ot! man, dispersed a whole covey of +Welsh milkmaids, and rode slap over one end of a buy +'at (hat) box! bonnet-box! man's pole, damaging a +dozen paste-boards, and finally upsetting Balham Hill +Joe's Barcelona "come crack 'em and try 'em" stall +at the door of the inn, for all whose benedictions, the +Yorkshireman, as this great fox-hunting knight-errant's +"Esquire," came in.</p> + +<p>Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded +Mr. Jorrocks to desist from his quixotic undertaking, +but he turned a deaf ear to his entreaties. "We are +getting fast into the country, and I hold it to be utterly +impossible for this fog to extend beyond Kennington +Common—'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as we approach +the open. Indeed, if I mistake not, I begin to sniff the +morning air already, and hark! there's a lark a-carrolling +before us!" "Now, spooney! where are you for?" +bellowed a carter, breaking off in the middle of his +whistle, as Jorrocks rode slap against his leader, the +concussion at once dispelling the pleasing pastoral +delusion, and nearly knocking Jorrocks off his horse.</p> + +<p>As they approached Brixton Hill, a large red ball of +lurid light appeared in the firmament, and just at the +moment up rode another member of the Surrey Hunt +in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane. "By +Jove, 'ow beautiful the moon is," said the latter, after +the usual salutations. "Moon!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +"that's not never no moon—I reckon it's Mrs. Graham's +balloon." "Come, that's a good 'un," said Crane, "perhaps +you'll lay me an 'at about it". "Done!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +"a guinea one—and we'll ax my friend here.—Now, +what's that?" "Why, judging from its position and the +hour, I should say it is the sun!" was the reply.</p> + +<p>We have omitted to mention that this memorable day +was a Saturday, one on which civic sportsmen exhibit. +We may also premise, that the particular hunt we are +about to describe, took place when there were very +many packs of hounds within reach of the metropolis, +all of which boasted their respective admiring subscribers. +As our party proceeded they overtook a +gentleman perusing a long bill of the meets for the +next week, of at least half a dozen packs, the top of +the list being decorated with a cut of a stag-hunt, and +the bottom containing a notification that hunters were +"carefully attended to by Charles Morton,<a id="footnotetag10" name="footnotetag10"></a><a href="#footnote10"><sup>10</sup></a> at the +'Derby Arms,' Croydon," a snug rural <i>auberge</i> near the +barrack. On the hunting bill-of-fare, were Mr. Jolliffe's +foxhounds, Mr. Meager's harriers, the Derby staghounds, +the Sanderstead harriers, the Union foxhounds, +the Surrey foxhounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom Downs, +and dwarf foxhounds on Woolwich Common. What a +list to bewilder a stranger! The Yorkshireman left it +all to Mr. Jorrocks.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote10" name="footnote10"></a><b>Footnote 10:</b><a href="#footnotetag10"> (return) </a> Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the +demise of the "Surrey staggers," Charley brushed off to the west, +to valet the gentlemen's hunters that attend the Royal Stag +Hunt.—<i>Vide</i> Sir F. Grant's picture of the meet of the Royal +Staghounds.</blockquote> + +<p>"You're for Jolliffe, I suppose," said the gentleman +with the bill, to another with a blue coat and buff lining. +"He's at Chipstead Church—only six miles from Croydon, +a sure find and good country." "What are you for, +Mr. Jorrocks?" inquired another in green, with black +velvet breeches, Hessian boots, and a red waistcoat, +who just rode up. "My own, to be sure," said Jorrocks, +taking hold of the green collar of his coat, as much as +to say, "How can you ask such a question?" "Oh, no," +said the gentleman in green, "Come to the stag—much +better sport—sure of a gallop—open country—get it +over soon—back in town before the post goes out." +Before Mr. Jorrocks had time to make a reply to this +last interrogatory, they were overtaken by another +horseman, who came hopping along at a sort of a +butcher's shuffle, on a worn-out, three-legged, four-cornered +hack, with one eye, a rat-tail, and a head as +large as a fiddle-case.—"Who's for the blue mottles?" +said he, casting a glance at their respective coats, and +at length fixing it on the Yorkshireman. "Why, Dickens, +you're not going thistle-whipping with that nice 'orse +of yours," said the gentleman in the velvets; "come and +see the stag turned out—sure of a gallop—no hedges—soft +country—plenty of publics—far better sport, man, +than pottering about looking for your foxes and hares, +and wasting your time; take my advice, and come with +me." "But," says Dickens, "my 'orse won't stand it; +I had him in the shay till eleven last night, and he came +forty-three mile with our traveller the day before, else +he's a 'good 'un to go,' as you know. Do you remember +the owdacious leap he took over the tinker's tent, at +Epping 'Unt, last Easter? How he astonished the +natives within!" "Yes; but then, you know, you fell +head-foremost through the canvas, and no wonder your +ugly mug frightened them," replied he of the velvets. +"Ay; but that was in consequence of my riding by +balance instead of gripping with my legs," replied +Dickens; "you see, I had taken seven lessons in riding +at the school in Bidborough Street, Burton Crescent, +and they always told me to balance myself equally on +the saddle, and harden my heart, and ride at whatever +came in the way; and the tinker's tent coming +first, why, naturally enough, I went at it. But I have +had some practice since then, and, of course, can stick +on better. I have 'unted regularly ever since, and can +'do the trick' now." "What, summer and winter?" +said Jorrocks. "No," replied he, "but I have 'unted +regularly every fifth Saturday since the 'unting began."</p> + +<p>After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing, +they arrived at the end of the first stage on the road to +the hunt, namely, the small town of Croydon, the +rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place was +alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats, black coats, +brown coats, in short, coats of all the colours of the +rainbow. Horsemen were mounting, horsemen were dismounting, +one-horse "shays" and two-horse chaises +were discharging their burdens, grooms were buckling +on their masters' spurs, and others were pulling off +their overalls. Eschewing the "Greyhound," they turn +short to the right, and make for the "Derby Arms" +hunting stables.</p> + +<p>Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was buckling +on his armour for the fight, for his soul, too, was "on fire, +and eager for the chase." He was for the "venison"; and +having mounted his "deer-stalker," was speedily joined +by divers perfect "swells," in beautiful leathers, beautiful +coats, beautiful tops, beautiful everything, except +horses, and off they rode to cut in for the first course—a +stag-hunt on a Saturday being usually divided into three.</p> + +<p>The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's +appetite; and feeling, as he said, quite ready for his +dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's house—a kind of +sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order, and +very good—where he baited himself on sausages and +salt herrings, a basin of new milk, with some "sticking +powder" as he called it, <i>alias</i> rum, infused into it; and +having deposited a half-quartern loaf in one pocket, as +a sort of balance against a huge bunch of keys which +rattled in the other, he pulled out his watch, and finding +they had a quarter of an hour to spare, proposed to +chaperon the Yorkshireman on a tour of the hunting +stables. Jorrocks summoned the ostler, and with great +dignity led the way. "Humph," said he, evidently disappointed +at seeing half the stalls empty, "no great +show this morning—pity—gentleman come from a +distance—should like to have shown him some good +nags.—What sort of a devil's this?" "Oh, sir, he's a +good 'un, and nothing but a good 'un!—Leap! Lord love +ye, he'll leap anything. A railway cut, a windmill with +the sails going, a navigable river with ships—anything +in short. This is the 'orse wot took the line of houses +down at Beddington the day they had the tremendious +run from Reigate Hill." "And wot's the grey in the +far stall?" "Oh, that's Mr. Pepper's old nag—Pepper-Caster +as we call him, since he threw the old gemman, +the morning they met at the 'Leg-of-Mutton' at Ashtead. +But he's good for nothing. Bless ye! his tail shakes +for all the world like a pepper-box afore he's gone half +a mile. Those be yours in the far stalls, and since they +were turned round I've won a bob of a gemman who +I bet I'd show him two 'osses with their heads vere their +tails should be.<a id="footnotetag11" name="footnotetag11"></a><a href="#footnote11"><sup>11</sup></a> I always says," added he with a leer, +"that you rides the best 'osses of any gemman vot +comes to our governor's." This flattered Jorrocks, and +sidling up, he slipped a shilling into his hand, saying, +"Well—bring them out, and let's see how they look +this morning." The stall reins are slipped, and out they +step with their hoods on their quarters. One was a large, +fat, full-sized chestnut, with a white ratch down the +full extent of his face, a long square tail, bushy mane, +with untrimmed heels. The other was a brown, about +fifteen two, coarse-headed, with a rat-tail, and collar-marked. +The tackle was the same as they came down +with. "You'll do the trick on that, I reckon," said +Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chestnut, and +looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he mounted. +"Tatt., and old Tatt., and Tatt. sen. before him, all +agree that they never knew a bad 'oss with a rat-tail."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote11" name="footnote11"></a><b>Footnote 11:</b><a href="#footnotetag11"> (return) </a> A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round +in his stall.</blockquote> + +<p>"But, let me tell you, you must be werry lively, if you +mean to live with our 'ounds. They go like the wind. +But come! touch him with the spur, and let's do a trot." +The Yorkshireman obeyed, and getting into the main +street, onwards they jogged, right through Croydon, +and struck into a line of villas of all sorts, shapes, and +sizes, which extend for several miles along the road, +exhibiting all sorts of architecture, Gothic, Corinthian, +Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and Chinese. These gradually +diminished in number, and at length they found themselves +on an open heath, within a few miles of the meet +of the "Surrey foxhounds". "Now", says Mr. Jorrocks, +clawing up his smalls, "you will see the werry finest +pack of hounds in all England; I don't care where the +next best are; and you will see as good a turn-out as +ever you saw in your life, and as nice a country to ride +over as ever you were in".</p> + +<p>They reach the meet—a wayside public-house on a +common, before which the hounds with their attendants +and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many of them in +scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received with the +greatest cordiality, amid whoops and holloas, and cries +of "now Twankay!—now Sugar!—now Figs!" Waving +his hand in token of recognition, he passed on and made +straight for Tom Hill, with a face full of importance, and +nearly rode over a hound in his hurry. "Now, Tom," +said he, with the greatest energy, "do, my good fellow, +strain every nerve to show sport to-day.—A gentleman +has come all the way from the north-east side of the +town of Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to see +our excellent 'ounds, and I would fain have him galvanised.—Do +show us a run, and let it end with blood, +so that he may have something to tell the natives when +he gets back to his own parts. That's him, see, sitting +under the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat with basket +buttons, just striking a light on the pommel of his +saddle to indulge in a fumigation.—Keep your eye on +him all day, and if you can lead him over an awkward +place, and get him a purl, so much the better.—If he'll +risk his neck I'll risk my 'oss's."</p> + +<p>The Yorkshireman, having lighted his cigar and +tightened his girths, rode leisurely among the horsemen, +many of whom were in eager council, and a gentle +breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation to his ear.</p> + +<p>What is that hound got by? No. How is that horse +bred? No. What sport had you on Wednesday? No. +Is it a likely find to-day? No, no, no; it was not where +the hounds, but what the Consols, left off at; what the +four per cents, and not the four horses, were up to; what +the condition of the money, not the horse, market. +"Anything doing in Danish bonds, sir?" said one. "You +must do it by lease and release, and levy a fine," replied +another. Scott <i>v.</i> Brown, crim. con. to be heard on or +before Wednesday next.—Barley thirty-two to forty-two.—Fine +upland meadow and rye grass hay, seventy +to eighty.—The last pocket of hops I sold brought +seven pounds fifteen shillings. Sussex bags six pounds +ten shillings.—There were only twenty-eight and a +quarter ships at market, "and coals are coals." "Glad +to hear it, sir, for half the last you sent me were slates."—"Best +qualities of beef four shillings and eightpence a +stone—mutton three shillings and eightpence, to four +shillings and sixpence.—He was exceedingly ill when +I paid my last visit—I gave him nearly a stone of +Epsom-salts, and bled him twice.—This horse would +suit you to a T, sir, but my skip-jack is coming out on +one at two o'clock that can carry a house.—See what a +bosom this one's got.—Well, Gunter, old boy, have you +iced your horse to-day?—Have you heard that Brown +and Co. are in the <i>Gazette</i>? No, which Brown—not +John Brown? No, William Brown. What, Brown of +Goodman's Fields? No, Brown of—— Street—Brown<i>e</i> +with an <i>e</i>; you know the man I mean.—Oh, Lord, ay, +the man wot used to be called Nosey Browne." A +general move ensued, and they left "the meet."</p> + +<p>"Vere be you going to turn out pray, sir, may I inquire?" +said a gentleman in green to the huntsman, as +he turned into a field. "Turn out," said he, "why, ye +don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye? We +throws off some two stones'-throw from here, if so be +you mean what cover we are going to draw." "No," +said green-coat, "I mean where do you turn out the +stag?"—"D—n the stag, we know nothing about such +matters," replied the huntsman. "Ware wheat! ware +wheat! ware wheat!" was now the general cry, as a +gentleman in nankeen pantaloons and Hessian boots +with long brass spurs, commenced a navigation across +a sprouting crop. "Ware wheat, ware wheat!" replied +he, considering it part of the ceremony of hunting, and +continued his forward course. "Come to my side," said +Mr.——, to the whipper-in, "and meet that gentleman +as he arrives at yonder gate; and keep by him while +I scold you."—"Now, sir, most particularly d—n you, +for riding slap-dash over the young wheat, you most +confounded insensible ignorant tinker, isn't the headland +wide enough both for you and your horse, even if +your spurs were as long again as they are?" Shouts of +"Yooi over, over, over hounds—try for him—yoicks—wind +him! good dogs—yoicks! stir him up—have at +him there!"—here interrupted the jawbation, and the +whip rode off shaking his sides with laughter. "Your +horse has got a stone in each forefoot, and a thorn in +his near hock," observed a dentist to a wholesale haberdasher +from Ludgate Hill, "allow me to extract them +for you—no pain, I assure—over before you know it." +"Come away, hounds! come away!" was heard, and +presently the huntsman, with some of the pack at his +horse's heels, issued from the wood playing <i>Rule, +Britannia!</i> on a key-bugle, while the cracks of heavy-thonged +whips warned the stragglers and loiterers to +follow. "Music hath charms to soothe the savage +beast," observed Jorrocks, as he tucked the laps of +his frock over his thighs, "and I hope we shall find +before long, else that quarter of house-lamb will be +utterly ruined. Oh, dear, they are going below hill +I do believe! why we shall never get home to-day, and +I told Mrs. Jorrocks half-past five to a minute, and +I invited old Fleecy, who is a most punctual man."</p> + +<p>Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived on +the summit of a range of steep hills commanding an +extensive view over the neighbouring country—almost, +he said, as far as the sea-coast. The huntsman and +hounds went down, but many of the field held a council +of war on the top. "Well! who's going down?" said one. +"I shall wait for the next turn," said Jorrocks, "for +my horse does not like collar work." "I shall go this +time," said another, "and the rest next." "And so will +I," said a third, "for mayhap there will be no second +turn." "Ay," added a fourth, "and he may go the other +way, and then where-shall we all be?" "Poh!" said +Jorrocks, "did you ever know a Surrey fox not take +to the hills?—If he does not, I'll eat him without mint +sauce," again harping on the quarter of lamb. Facilis +descensus Averni—two-thirds of the field went down, +leaving Jorrocks, two horse-dealers in scarlet, three +chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells in leathers, a whip, +and the Yorkshireman on the summit. "Why don't +you go with the hounds?" inquired the latter of the +whip. "Oh, I wait here, sir," said he, "to meet Tom +Hills as he comes up, and to give him a fresh horse." +"And who is Tom Hills?" inquired the Yorkshireman. +"Oh, he's our huntsman," replied he; "you know Tom, +don't you?" "Why, I can't say I do, exactly," said he; +"but tell me, is he called Hills because he rides up and +down these hills, or is that his real name?" "Hought! +you know as well as I do," said he, quite indignantly, +"that Tom Hills is his name."</p> + +<p>The hounds, with the majority of the field, having +effected the descent of the hills, were now trotting on in +the valley below, sufficiently near, however, to allow +our hill party full view of their proceedings. After +drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they assumed a +line parallel to the hills, and moved on to a wood of +about ten acres, the west end of which terminated in a +natural gorse. "They'll find there to a certainty," said +Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out of his breeches' +pocket, and adjusting the sight. "Never saw it blank +but once, and that was the werry day the commercial +panic of twenty-five commenced.—I remember making +an entry in my ledger when I got home to that effect. +Humph!" continued he, looking through the glass, +"they are through the wood, though, without a challenge.—Now, +my booys, push him out of the gorse! Let's see +vot you're made of.—There goes the first 'ound in.—It's +Galloper, I believe.—I can almost see the bag of +shot round his neck.—Now they all follow.—One—two—three—four—five—all +together, my beauties! Oh, vot +a sight! Peckham's cap's in the air, and it's a find, by +heavens!" Mr. Jorrocks is right.—The southerly wind +wafts up the fading notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus" +in <i>Der Frieschutz</i> and confirms the fact.—Jorrocks is +in ecstasies.—"Now," said he, clawing up his breeches +(for he dispenses with the article of braces when out +hunting), "that's what I calls fine. Oh, beautiful! +beautiful!—Now, follow me if you please, and if yon +gentleman in drab does not shoot the fox, he will be +on the hills before long." Away they scampered along +the top of the ridge, with a complete view of the operations +below. At length Jorrocks stopped, and pulling the +telescope out, began making an observation. "There he +is, at last," cried he, "just crossed the corner of yon +green field—now he creeps through the hedge by the +fir-tree, and is in the fallow one. Yet, stay—that's no +fox—it's a hare: and yet Tom Hills makes straight for +the spot—and did you hear that loud tally-ho? Oh! +gentlemen, gentlemen, we shall be laughed to scorn—what +can they be doing—see, they take up the scent, +and the whole pack have joined in chorus. Great +heavens, it's no more a fox than I am!—No more brush +than a badger! Oh, dear! oh, dear! that I should live +to see my old friends, the Surrey fox'ounds, 'unt hare, +and that too in the presence of a stranger." The animal +made direct for the hills—whatever it was, the hounds +were on good terms with it, and got away in good form. +The sight was splendid—all the field got well off, nor +between the cover and the hills was there sufficient +space for tailing. A little elderly gentleman, in a pepper-and-salt +coat, led the way gallantly—then came the +scarlets—then the darks—and then the fustian-clad +countrymen. Jorrocks was in a shocking state, and +rolled along the hill-tops, almost frantic. The field +reached the bottom, and the foremost commenced the +steep ascent.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Tom Hills!—Tom Hills!—'what are you at? +what are you after?'" demanded Jorrocks, as he landed +on the top. "Here's a gentleman come all the way from +the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in +the county of York, to see our excellent 'ounds, and +here you are running a hare. Oh, Tom Hills! Tom Hills! +ride forward, ride forward, and whip them off, ere we +eternally disgrace ourselves." "Oh," says Tom, laughing, +"he's a fox! but he's so tarnation frightened of our +hounds, that his brush dropped off through very fear, +as soon as ever he heard us go into the wood; if you go +back, you'll find it somewhere, Mr. Jorrocks; haw, haw, +haw! No fox indeed!" said he.—"Forrard, hounds, +forrard!" And away he went—caught the old whipper-in, +dismounted him in a twinkling, and was on a fresh +horse with his hounds in full cry. The line of flight was +still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly pressed on, +making a goodly rattle over the beds of flints. A check +ensued. "The guard on yonder nasty Brighton coach +has frightened him with his horn," said Tom; "now +we must make a cast up to yonder garden, and see if +he's taken shelter among the geraniums in the green-house. +As little damage as possible, gentlemen, if you +please, in riding through the nursery grounds. Now, +hold hard, sir—pray do—there's no occasion for you +to break the kale pots; he can't be under them. Ah, +yonder he goes, the tailless beggar; did you see him as +he stole past the corner out of the early-cabbage bed? +Now bring on the hounds, and let us press him towards +London."</p> + +<p>"See the conquering hero comes", sounded through +the avenue of elms as Tom dashed forward with the +merry, merry pack. "I shall stay on the hills", said one, +"and be ready for him as he comes back; I took a good +deal of the shine out of my horse in coming up this time". +"I think I will do the same", said two or three more. +"Let's be doing", said Jorrocks, ramming his spurs +into his nag to seduce him into a gallop, who after +sending his heels in the air a few times in token of his +disapprobation of such treatment, at last put himself +into a round-rolling sort of canter, which Jorrocks kept +up by dint of spurring and dropping his great bastinaderer +of a whip every now and then across his shoulders. +Away they go pounding together!</p> + +<p>The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified +with a turnip-field or market-garden, and every now and +then a "willa" appears, from which emerge footmen in +jackets, and in yellow, red and green plush breeches, +with no end of admiring housemaids, governesses, and +nurses with children in their arms.</p> + +<p>Great was the emulation when any of these were +approached, and the rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly +to the "fore." At last they approach "Miss Birchwell's +finishing and polishing seminary for young ladies," +whose great flaring blue-and-gold sign, reflecting the +noonday rays of the sun, had frightened the fox and +caused him to alter his line and take away to the west. +A momentary check ensued, but all the amateur huntsmen +being blown, Tom, who is well up with his hounds, +makes a quick cast round the house, and hits off the +scent like a workman. A private road and a line of +gates through fields now greet the eyes of our +M'Adamisers. A young gentleman on a hired hunter +very nattily attired, here singles himself out and takes +place next to Tom, throwing the pebbles and dirt back +in the eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing the +gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman very +coolly passes through, without a touch, letting them +bang-to behind him. The Yorkshireman, who had been +gradually creeping up, until he has got the third place, +having opened two or three, and seeing another likely +to close for want of a push, cries out to our friend as +he approaches, "Put out your hand, sir!" The gentleman +obediently extends his limb like the arm of a +telegraph, and rides over half the next field with his +hand in the air! The gate, of course, falls to.</p> + +<p>A stopper appears—a gate locked and spiked, with a +downward hinge to prevent its being lifted. To the right +is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond it—to the left a quick +fence. Tom glances at both, but turns short, and backing +his horse, rides at the rail. The Yorkshireman follows, +but Jorrocks, who espies a weak place in the fence a few +yards from the gate, turns short, and jumping off, +prepares to lead over. It is an old gap, and the farmer +has placed a sheep hurdle on the far side. Just as +Jorrocks has pulled that out, his horse, who is a bit of +a rusher, and has got his "monkey" completely up, +pushes forward while his master is yet stooping—and +hitting him in the rear, knocks him clean through the +fence, head foremost into a squire-trap beyond!—"Non +redolet sed olet!" exclaims the Yorkshireman, +who dismounts in a twinkling, lending his friend a +hand out of the unsavoury cesspool.—"That's what +comes of hunting in a new<a id="footnotetag12" name="footnotetag12"></a><a href="#footnote12"><sup>12</sup></a> saddle, you see," added +he, holding his nose. Jorrocks scrambles upon "terra +firma" and exhibits such a spectacle as provokes the +shouts of the field. He has lost his wig, his hat hangs +to his back, and one side of his person and face is completely +japanned with black odoriferous mixture. "My +vig!" exclaims he, spitting and spluttering, "but that's +the nastiest hole I ever was in—Fleet Ditch is lavender-water +compared to it! Hooi yonder!" hailing a lad, +"Catch my 'oss, boouy!" Tom Hills has him; and +Jorrocks, pocketing his wig, remounts, rams his spurs +into the nag, and again tackles with the pack, which had +come to a momentary check on the Eden Bridge road. +The fox has been headed by a party of gipsies, and, +changing his point, bends southward and again reaches +the hills, along which some score of horsemen have +planted themselves in the likeliest places to head him. +Reynard, however, is too deep for them, and has stolen +down unperceived. Poor Jorrocks, what with the violent +exertion of riding, his fall, and the souvenir of the cesspool +that he still bears about him, pulls up fairly +exhausted. "Oh, dear," says he, scraping the thick of +the filth off his coat with his whip, "I'm reglarly blown, +I earn't go down with the 'ounds this turn; but, my good +fellow," turning to the Yorkshireman, who was helping +to purify him, "don't let me stop you, go down by all +means, but mind, bear in mind the quarter of house-lamb—at +half-past five to a minute."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote12" name="footnote12"></a><b>Footnote 12:</b><a href="#footnotetag12"> (return) </a> There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure +to get a fall the first day they appear in anything new.</blockquote> + +<p>Many of the cits now gladly avail themselves of the +excuse of assisting Mr. Jorrocks to clean himself for +pulling up, but as soon as ever those that are going +below hill are out of sight and they have given him +two or three wipes, they advise him to let it "dry on," +and immediately commence a different sort of amusement—each +man dives into his pocket and produces +the eatables.</p> + +<p>Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered +with the captain of an East Indiaman for a slice of +buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged some veal sandwiches +with a Jew for ham ones; a lawyer from the +Borough offered two slices of toast for a hard-boiled +egg; in fact there was a petty market "ouvert" held. +"Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle?" demanded Jenkins. +"Vy, I thought you would bring it out to-day," +replied he; "I brought it last time, you know." "Take +a little of mine, sir," said a gentleman, presenting a +leather-covered flask—"real Thomson and Fearon, +I assure you." "I wish someone would fetch an ocean +of porter from the nearest public," said another. "Take +a cigar, sir?" "No; I feel werry much obliged, but they +always make me womit." "Is there any gentleman here +going to Halifax, who would like to make a third in a +new yellow barouche, with lavender-coloured wheels, +and pink lining?" inquired Mr.——, the coach-maker. +"Look at the hounds, gentlemen sportsmen, my noble +sportsmen!" bellowed out an Epsom Dorling's correct—cardseller—and +turning their eyes in the direction in +which he was looking, our sportsmen saw them again +making for the hills. Pepper-and-salt first, and oh, +what a goodly tail was there!—three quarters of a +mile in length, at the least. Now up they come—the +"corps de reserve" again join, and again a party halt +upon the hills. Again Tom Hills exchanges horses; and +again the hounds go on in full cry. "I must be off," said +a gentleman in balloon-like leathers to another tiger; +"we have just time to get back to town, and ride round +by the park before it is dark—much better than seeing +the end of this brute. Let us go"; and away they went +to canter through Hyde Park in their red coats. "I must +go and all," said another gentleman; "my dinner will +be ready at five, and it is now three." Jorrocks was +game; and forgetting the quarter of house-lamb, again +tackled with the pack. A smaller sweep sufficed this +time, and the hills were once more descended, Jorrocks +the first to lead the way. He well knew the fox was +sinking, and was determined to be in at the death. +Short running ensued—a check—the fox had lain down, +and they had overrun the scent. Now they were on him, +and Tom Hills's who-whoop confirmed the whole.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Tom Hills, Tom Hills!" exclaimed Jorrocks, +as the former took up the fox, "'ow splendid, 'ow truly +brilliant—by Jove, you deserve to be Lord Hill—oh, +had he but a brush that we might present it to this +gentleman from the north-east side of the town of +Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to show the +gallant doings of the men of Surrey!" "Ay," said Tom, +"but Squire——'s keeper has been before us for it."</p> + +<p>"Now," said a gentleman in a cap, to another in a +hat, "if you will ride up the hill and collect the money +there, I will do so below—half-a-crown, if you please, +sir—half-a-crown, if you please, sir.—Have I got your +half-a-crown, sir?"—"Here's three shillings if you will +give me sixpence." "Certainly, sir—certainly." "We +have no time to spare," said Jorrocks, looking at his +watch. "Good afternoon, gentlemen, good afternoon," +muttering as he went, "a quarter of house-lamb at half-past +five—Mrs. Jorrocks werry punctual—old Fleecy +werry particular." They cut across country to Croydon, +and as they approached the town, innumerable sportsmen +came flocking in from all quarters. "What sport have +you had?" inquired Jorrocks of a gentleman in scarlet; +"have you been with Jolliffe?" "No, with the staghounds; +three beautiful runs; took him once in a +millpond, once in a barn, and once in a brickfield—altogether +the finest day's sport I ever saw in my life." +"What have you done, Mr. J——?" "Oh, we have had +a most gallant thing; a brilliant run indeed—three hours +and twenty minutes without a check—over the finest +country imaginable." "And who got the brush?" +inquired the stag-man. "Oh, it was a gallant run," +said Jorrocks, "by far the finest I ever remember." +"But did you kill?" demanded his friend. "Kill! to be +sure we did. When don't the Surrey kill, I should like +to know?" "And who got his brush, did you say?" +"I can't tell," said he—"didn't hear the gentleman's +name." "What sport has Mr. Meager had to-day?" +inquired he of a gentleman in trousers, who issued from +a side lane into the high road. "I have been with the +Sanderstead, sir—a very capital day's sport—run five +hares and killed three. We should have killed four—only—we +didn't." "I don't think Mr. Meager has done +anything to-day." "Yes, he has," said a gentleman, +who just joined with a hare buckled on in front of his +saddle, and his white cords all stained with blood; "we +killed this chap after an hour and forty-five minutes' +gallop; and accounted for another by losing her after +running upwards of-three-quarters of an hour." "Well, +then, we have all had sport," said Jorrocks, as he +spurred his horse into a trot, and made for Morton's +stables—"and if the quarter of house-lamb is but right, +then indeed am I a happy man."</p> +<br><br> + +<a name="III" id="III"></a> +<h3>III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS<br> +IN TROUBLE</h3> + +<p>Our readers are now becoming pretty familiar with our +principal hero, Mr. Jorrocks, and we hope he improves +on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting friends, we are sure, +will allow him to be an enthusiastic member of the +brotherhood, and though we do not profess to put him +in competition with Musters, Osbaldeston, or any of +those sort of men, we yet mean to say that had his +lot been cast in the country instead of behind a counter, +his keenness would have rendered him as conspicuous—if +not as scientific—as the best of them.</p> + +<p>For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very +excellent fellow—frank, hearty, open, generous, and +hospitable, and with the exception of riding up Fleet +Street one Saturday afternoon, with a cock-pheasant's +tail sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever +saw him do a cock tail action in his life.</p> + +<p>The circumstances attending that exhibition are +rather curious.—He had gone out as usual on a Saturday +to have a day with the Surrey, but on mounting his +hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag rather queer under +him, and thinking he might have been pricked in the +shoeing, he pulled up at the smith's at Addington to +have his feet examined. This lost him five minutes, and +unfortunately when he got to the meet, he found that a +"travelling<a id="footnotetag13" name="footnotetag13"></a><a href="#footnote13"><sup>13</sup></a> fox" had been tallied at the precise moment +of throwing off, with which the hounds had gone away +in their usual brilliant style, to the tune of "Blue bonnets +are over the border." As may be supposed, he was in +a deuce of a rage; and his first impulse prompted him +to withdraw his subscription and be done with the hunt +altogether, and he trotted forward "on the line," in the +hopes of catching them up to tell them so. In this he +was foiled, for after riding some distance, he overtook a +string of Smithfield horses journeying "foreign for +Evans," whose imprints he had been taking for the +hoof-marks of the hunters. About noon he found himself +dull, melancholy, and disconsolate, before the sign +of the "Pig and Whistle," on the Westerham road, +where, after wetting his own whistle with a pint of +half-and-half, he again journeyed onward, ruminating +on the uncertainty and mutability of all earthly affairs, +the comparative merits of stag-, fox-, and hare-hunting, +and the necessity of getting rid of the day somehow or +other in the country.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote13" name="footnote13"></a><b>Footnote 13:</b><a href="#footnotetag13"> (return) </a> He might well be called a "travelling fox," for it was said +he had just travelled down from Herring's, in the New Road, by +the Bromley stage.</blockquote> + +<p>Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by the discharge +of a gun in the field adjoining the hedge along which he +was passing, and the boisterous whirring of a great cock-pheasant +over his head, which caused his horse to start +and stop short, and to nearly pitch Jorrocks over his +head. The bird was missed, but the sportsman's dog +dashed after it, with all the eagerness of expectation, +regardless of the cracks of the whip—the "comes to +heel," and "downs to charge" of the master. Jorrocks +pulled out his hunting telescope, and having marked the +bird down with the precision of a billiard-table keeper, +rode to the gate to acquaint the shooter with the fact, +when to his infinite amazement he discovered his friend, +Nosey Browne (late of "The Surrey"), who, since his +affairs had taken the unfortunate turn mentioned in +the last paper, had given up hunting and determined +to confine himself to shooting only. Nosey, however, +was no great performer, as may be inferred, when we +state that he had been in pursuit of the above-mentioned +cock-pheasant ever since daybreak, and after firing +thirteen shots at him had not yet touched a feather.</p> + +<p>His dog was of the right sort—for Nosey at least—and +hope deferred had not made his heart sick; on the +contrary, he dashed after his bird for the thirteenth +time with all the eagerness he displayed on the first. +"Let me have a crack at him," said Jorrocks to Nosey, +after their mutual salutations were over. "I know where +he is, and I think I can floor him." Browne handed the +gun to Jorrocks, who, giving up his hunter in exchange, +strode off, and having marked his bird accurately, he +kicked him up out of a bit of furze, and knocked him +down as "dead as a door-nail." By that pheasant's tail +hangs the present one.</p> + +<p>Now Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends, +and Nosey's affairs having gone crooked, why of course, +like most men in a similar situation, he was all the better +for it; and while his creditors were taking twopence-halfpenny +in the pound, he was taking his diversion on +his wife's property, which a sagacious old father-in-law +had secured to the family in the event of such a contingency +as a failure happening; so knowing Jorrock's +propensity for sports, and being desirous of chatting +over all his gallant doings with "The Surrey," shortly +after the above-mentioned day he dispatched a "twopenny," +offering him a day's shooting on his property +in Surrey, adding, that he hoped he would dine with +him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with a freedom +peculiar to fox-hunters, invited his friend the Yorkshireman, +and visiting his armoury, selected him a +regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of carrying ten +yards on every side.</p> + +<p>At the appointed hour on the appointed morning, the +Yorkshireman appeared in Great Coram Street, where he +found Mr. Jorrocks in the parlour in the act of settling +himself into a new spruce green cut-away gambroon +butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets equal to holding a +powder-flask each, his lower man being attired in tight +drab stocking-net pantaloons, and Hessian boots with +large tassels—a striking contrast to the fustian pocket-and-all-pocket +jackets marked with game-bag strap, +and shot-belt, and the weather-beaten many-coloured +breeches and gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose +the equipment of a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks +not keeping any "sporting dogs," as the tax-papers +call them, had borrowed a fat house-dog—a cross +between a setter and a Dalmatian—of his friend +Mr. Evergreen the greengrocer, which he had seen +make a most undeniable point one morning in the +Copenhagen Fields at a flock of pigeons in a beetroot +garden. This valuable animal was now attached by a +trash-cord through a ring in his brass collar to a leg +of the sideboard, while a clean licked dish at his side, +showed that Jorrocks had been trying to attach him +to himself, by feeding him before starting.</p> + +<p>"We'll take a coach to the Castle", said Jorrocks, "and +then get a go-cart or a cast somehow or other to +Streatham, for we shall have walking enough when we +get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and will make +us range every acre of his estate over half a dozen times +before we give in". A coach was speedily summoned, +into which Jorrocks, the dog Pompey, the Yorkshireman, +and the guns were speedily placed, and away +they drove to the "Elephant and Castle."</p> + +<p>There were short stages about for every possible +place except Streatham. Greenwich, Deptford, Blackheath, +Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham, Lewisham—all +places but the right. However, there were +abundance of "go-carts," a species of vehicle that ply +in the outskirts of the metropolis, and which, like the +watering-place "fly," take their name from the contrary—in +fact, a sort of <i>lucus a non lucendo</i>. They are +carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains to +protect the company from the weather), the drivers of +which, partly by cheating, and partly by picking +pockets, eke out a comfortable existence, and are the +most lawless set of rascals under the sun. Their arrival +at the "Elephant and Castle" was a signal for a general +muster of the fraternity, who, seeing the guns, were +convinced that their journey was only what they call +"a few miles down the road," and they were speedily +surrounded by twenty or thirty of them, all with +"excellent 'osses, vot vould take their honours fourteen +miles an hour." All men of business are aware of the +advantages of competition, and no one more so than +Jorrocks, who stood listening to their offers with the +utmost sang-froid, until he closed with one to take them +to Streatham Church for two shillings, and deliver them +within the half-hour, which was a signal for all the rest +to set-to and abuse them, their coachman, and his horse, +which they swore had been carrying "stiff-uns" <a id="footnotetag14" name="footnotetag14"></a><a href="#footnote14"><sup>14</sup></a> all +night, and "could not go not none at all". Nor were +they far wrong; for the horse, after scrambling a hundred +yards or two, gradually relaxed into something between +a walk and a trot, while the driver kept soliciting every +passer-by to "ride," much to our sportsmen's chagrin, +who conceived they were to have the "go" all to themselves. +Remonstrance was vain, and he crammed in a +master chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger the licensed +dealer in tea, coffee, tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham +(a customer of Jorrocks), and a wet-nurse; and took up +an Italian organ-grinder to ride beside himself on the +front, before they had accomplished Brixton Hill. +Jorrocks swore most lustily that he would fine him, and +at every fresh assurance, the driver offered a passer-by +a seat; but having enlisted Major Ballenger into their +cause, they at length made a stand, which, unfortunately +for them, was more than the horse could do, for just as +he was showing off, as he thought, with a bit of a trot, +down they all soused in the mud. Great was the scramble; +guns, barrel-organ, Pompey, Jorrocks, driver, master +chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger, were all down together, +while the wet-nurse, who sat at the end nearest the door, +was chucked clean over the hedge into a dry ditch. This +was a signal to quit the vessel, and having extricated +themselves the best way they could, they all set off on +foot, and left the driver to right himself at his leisure.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote14" name="footnote14"></a><b>Footnote 14:</b><a href="#footnotetag14"> (return) </a> Doing a bit of resurrection work.</blockquote> + +<p>Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they +were going to Nosey Browne's, for it so happened that +Nosey had managed to walk into his books for groceries +and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen pounds, a large +sum to a man in a small way of business; and to be +entertaining friends so soon after his composition, +seemed curious to Ballenger's uninitiated suburban +mind.</p> + +<p>Crossing Streatham Common, a short turn to the left +by some yew-trees leads, by a near cut across the fields, +to Browne's house; a fiery-red brick castellated cottage, +standing on the slope of a gentle eminence, and combining +almost every absurdity a cockney imagination +can be capable of. Nosey, who was his own "Nash," +set out with the intention of making it a castle and +nothing but a castle, and accordingly the windows were +made in the loophole fashion, and the door occupied a +third of the whole frontage. The inconveniences of the +arrangements were soon felt, for while the light was +almost excluded from the rooms, "rude Boreas" had +the complete run of the castle whenever the door was +opened. To remedy this, Nosey increased the one and +curtailed the other, and the Gothic oak-painted windows +and door flew from their positions to make way for +modern plate-glass in rich pea-green casements, and a +door of similar hue. The battlements, however, remained, +and two wooden guns guarded a brace of chimney-pots +and commanded the wings of the castle, one whereof +was formed into a green-, the other into a gig-house.</p> + +<p>The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a garden-gate, +surmounted by a holly-bush with the top cut into +the shape of a fox, announced their arrival to the inhabitants +of "Rosalinda Castle," and on entering they +discovered young Nosey in the act of bobbing for +goldfish, in a pond about the size of a soup-basin; while +Nosey senior, a fat, stupid-looking fellow, with a large +corporation and a bottle nose, attired in a single-breasted +green cloth coat, buff waistcoat, with drab +shorts and continuations, was reposing, <i>sub tegmine fagi</i>, +in a sort of tea-garden arbour, overlooking a dung-heap, +waiting their arrival to commence an attack upon the +sparrows which were regaling thereon. At one end of +the garden was a sort of temple, composed of oyster-shells, +containing a couple of carrier-pigeons, with which +Nosey had intended making his fortune, by the early +information to be acquired by them: but "there is many +a slip," as Jorrocks would say.</p> + +<p>Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a +visit to the larder, and made up a stock of provisions +equal to a journey through the Wilderness, they +adjourned to the yard to get the other dog, and the +man to carry the game—or rather, the prog, for the +former was but problematical. He was a character, a sort +of chap of all work, one, in short, "who has no objection +to make himself generally useful"; but if his genius +had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination +towards sporting.</p> + +<p>Having to act the part of groom and gamekeeper +during the morning, and butler and footman in the +afternoon, he was attired in a sort of composition dress, +savouring of the different characters performed. He +had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-coat +cut down into a shooting-jacket, with a whistle at the +button-hole, red plush smalls, and top-boots.</p> + +<p>There is nothing a cockney delights in more than +aping a country gentleman, and Browne fancied himself +no bad hand at it; indeed, since his London occupation +was gone, he looked upon himself as a country gentleman +in fact. "Vell, Joe," said he, striddling and sticking his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, to this +invaluable man of all work, "we must show the gemmem +some sport to-day; vich do you think the best line to +start upon—shall we go to the ten hacre field, or the +plantation, or Thompson's stubble, or Timms's turnips, +or my meadow, or vere?" "Vy, I doesn't know," said +Joe; "there's that old hen-pheasant as we calls Drab +Bess, vot has haunted the plantin' these two seasons, +and none of us ever could 'it (hit), and I hears that +Jack, and Tom, and Bob, are still left out of Thompson's +covey; but, my eyes! they're 'special vild!" "Vot, only +three left? where is old Tom, and the old ramping +hen?" inquired Browne. "Oh, Mr. Smith, and a party +of them 'ere Bankside chaps, com'd down last Saturday's +gone a week, and rattled nine-and-twenty shots at the +covey, and got the two old 'uns; at least it's supposed +they were both killed, though the seven on 'em only +bagged one bird; but I heard they got a goose or two +as they vent home. They had a shot at old Tom, the +hare, too, but he is still alive; at least I pricked him +yesterday morn across the path into the turnip-field. +Suppose we goes at him first?"</p> + +<p>The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in +quantity, but Browne was a wise man and made the +most of what he had, and when he used to talk about +his "manor" on 'Change, people thought he had at +least a thousand acres—the extent a cockney generally +advertises for, when he wants to take a shooting-place. +The following is a sketch of what he had: The east, as +far as the eye could reach, was bounded by Norwood, +a name dear to cockneys, and the scene of many a +furtive kiss; the hereditaments and premises belonging +to Isaac Cheatum, Esq. ran parallel with it on the west, +containing sixty-three acres, "be the same more or +less," separated from which, by a small brook or runner +of water, came the estate of Mr. Timms, consisting of +sixty acres, three roods, and twenty-four perches, commonly +called or known by the name of Fordham; next +to it were two allotments in right of common, for all +manner of cattle, except cows, upon Streatham Common, +from whence up to Rosalinda Castle, on the west, lay +the estate of Mr. Browne, consisting of fifty acres and +two perches. Now it so happened that Browne had +formerly the permission to sport all the way up to Norwood, +a distance of a mile and a half, and consequently +he might have been said to have the right of shooting +in Norwood itself, for the keepers only direct their +attention to the preservation of the timber and the +morals of the visitors; but since his composition with +his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, who had "gone to the +wall" himself in former years, was so scandalised at +Browne doing the same, that no sooner did his name +appear in the <i>Gazette</i>, than Cheatum withdrew his +permission, thereby cutting him off from Norwood and +stopping him in pursuit of his game.</p> + +<p>Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks, +in the most orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint +and steel fire-engine, and proceeded to give it an uncommon +good loading. The Yorkshireman, with a look +of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at Joe's +plush breeches and top-boots, did the same, while +Nosey, in the most considerate sportsmanlike manner, +merely shouldered a stick, in order that there might be +no delicacy with his visitors, as to who should shoot +first—a piece of etiquette that aids the escape of many +a bird in the neighbourhood of London.</p> + +<p>Old Tom—a most unfortunate old hare, that what +with the harriers, the shooters, the snarers, and one +thing and another, never knew a moment's peace, and +who must have started in the world with as many lives +as a cat—being doomed to receive the first crack on +this occasion, our sportsmen stole gently down the fallow, +at the bottom of which were the turnips, wherein he was +said to repose; but scarcely had they reached the +hurdles which divided the field, before he was seen +legging it away clean out of shot. Jorrocks, who had +brought his gun to bear upon him, could scarcely +refrain from letting drive, but thinking to come upon +him again by stealth, as he made his circuit for Norwood, +he strode away across the allotments and Fordham estate, +and took up a position behind a shed which stood on +the confines of Mr. Timms's and Mr. Cheatum's properties. +Here, having procured a rest for his gun, he +waited until old Tom, who had tarried to nip a few +blades of green grass that came in his way, made his +appearance. Presently he came cantering along the +outside of the wood, at a careless, easy sort of pace, +betokening either perfect indifference for the world's +mischief, or utter contempt of cockney sportsmen +altogether.</p> + +<p>He was a melancholy, woe-begone-looking animal, +long and lean, with a slight inclination to grey on his +dingy old coat, one that looked as though he had +survived his kindred and had already lived beyond +his day. Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and +his eyes glistened as he came within range of his gun. +A well-timed shot ends poor Tom's miseries! He springs +into the air, and with a melancholy scream rolls neck +over heels. Knowing that Pompey would infallibly +spoil him if he got up first, Jorrocks, without waiting +to load, was in the act of starting off to pick him up, +when, at the first step, he found himself in the grasp +of a Herculean monster, something between a coal-heaver +and a gamekeeper, who had been secreted +behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who had been watching +his movements, holloaed out to Jorrocks to "hold hard," +who stood motionless, on the spot from whence he fired, +and Browne was speedily alongside of him. "You are on +Squire Cheatum's estate," said the man; "and I have +authority to take up all poachers and persons found +unlawfully trespassing; what's your name?" "He's not +on Cheatum's estate," said Browne. "He is," said the +man. "You're a liar," said Browne. "You're another," +said the man. And so they went on; for when such +gentlemen meet, compliments pass current. At length +the keeper pulled out a foot-rule, and keeping Jorrocks +in the same position he caught him, he set-to to measure +the distance of his foot from the boundary, taking off +in a line from the shed; when it certainly did appear +that the length of a big toe was across the mark, and +putting up his measure again, he insisted upon taking +Jorrocks before a magistrate for the trespass. Of course, +no objection could be made, and they all adjourned to +Mr. Boreem's, when the whole case was laid before +him. To cut a long matter short—after hearing the +pros and cons, and referring to the Act of Parliament, +his worship decided that a trespass had been committed; +and though, he said, it went against the grain to do so, +he fined Jorrocks in the mitigated penalty of one +pound one.</p> + +<p>This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned to +the castle with their prog untouched and no great +appetite for dinner. Being only a family party, when +Mrs. B—— retired, the subject naturally turned upon +the morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks +waxed more valiant, until he swore he would appeal +against the "conwiction"; and remaining in the same +mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the +Temple in his way to St. Botolph Lane and had six-and-eightpence +worth with Mr. Capias the attorney, +who very judiciously argued each side of the question +without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a +case for counsel to advise upon.</p> + +<p>As usual, he gave one that would cut either way, +though if it had any tendency whatever it was to induce +Jorrocks to go on; and he not wanting much persuasion, +it will not surprise our readers to hear that Jorrocks, +Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen a few days +after crossing Waterloo Bridge in a yellow post-chaise, +on their way to Croydon sessions.</p> + +<p>After a "guinea" consultation at the "Greyhound," +they adjourned to the court, which was excessively +crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with the farmers +and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling, +too, running rather high at the time, there had been a +strong "whip" among the magistrates to get a full +attendance to reverse Boreem's conviction, who had +made himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at +the election. Of course they all came in new hats,<a id="footnotetag15" name="footnotetag15"></a><a href="#footnote15"><sup>15</sup></a> and +sat on the bench looking as wise as gentlemen judges +generally do.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote15" name="footnote15"></a><b>Footnote 15:</b><a href="#footnotetag15"> (return) </a> Magistrates always buy their hats about session times, as +they have the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in +court.</blockquote> + +<p>One hundred and twenty-two affiliation cases (for +this was in the old Poor Law time) having been disposed +of, about one o'clock in the afternoon, the chairman, +Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of the day. +He was a perfect prototype of a county magistrate—with +a bald powdered head covered by a low-crowned, +broad-brimmed hat, hair terminating behind in a <i>queue</i>, +resting on the ample collar of a snuff-brown coat, with +a large bay-window of a corporation, with difficulty +retained by the joint efforts of a buff waistcoat, and the +waistband of a pair of yellow leather breeches. His +countenance, which was solemn and grave in the +extreme, might either be indicative of sense or what +often serves in the place of wisdom—when parties can +only hold their tongues—great natural stupidity. From +the judge's seat, which he occupied in the centre of the +bench, he observed, with immense dignity, "There is +an appeal of Jorrocks against Cheatum, which we, the +bench of magistrates of our lord the king, will take if +the parties are ready," and immediately the court rang +with "Jorrocks and Cheatum! Jorrocks and Cheatum! +Mr. Capias, attorney-at-law! Mr. Capias answer to his +name! Mr. Sharp attorney-at-law! Mr. Sharp's in the +jury-room.—Then go fetch him directly," from the +ushers and bailiffs of the court; for though Tomkins +of Tomkins was slow himself, he insisted upon others +being quick, and was a great hand at prating about +saving the time of the suitors. At length the bustle of +counsel crossing the table, parties coming in and others +leaving court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers responding, +gradually subsided into a whisper of, "That's Jorrocks! +That's Cheatum!" as the belligerent parties took their +places by their respective counsel. Silence having been +called and procured, Mr. Smirk, a goodish-looking man +for a lawyer, having deliberately unfolded his brief, +which his clerk had scored plentifully in the margin, to +make the attorney believe he had read it very attentively, +rose to address the court—a signal for half the +magistrates to pull their newspapers out of their pockets, +and the other half to settle themselves down for a nap, +all the sport being considered over when the affiliation +cases closed.</p> + +<p>"I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr. Jorrocks," +said Mr. Smirk, "a gentleman of the very highest +consideration—a fox-hunter—a shooter—and a grocer. +In ordinary cases it might be necessary to prove the +party's claim to respectability, but, in this instance, +I feel myself relieved from any such obligation, knowing, +as I do, that there is no one in this court, no one in +these realms—I might almost add, no one in this world—to +whom the fame of my most respectable, my most +distinguished, and much injured client is unknown. Not +to know JORROCKS is indeed to argue oneself unknown."</p> + +<p>"This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I approach +it with a deep sense of its importance, conscious of my +inability to do justice to the subject, and lamenting +that it has not been entrusted to abler hands. It is a +case involving the commercial and the sporting character +of a gentleman against whom the breath of +calumny has never yet been drawn—of a gentleman +who in all the relations of life, whether as a husband, a +fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has invariably preserved +that character and reputation, so valuable in +commercial life, so necessary in the sporting world, and +so indispensable to a man moving in general society. +Were I to look round London town in search of a bright +specimen of a man combining the upright, sterling +integrity of the honourable British merchant of former +days with the ardour of the English fox-hunter of +modern times, I would select my most respectable +client, Mr. Jorrocks. He is a man for youth to imitate +and revere! Conceive, then, the horror of a man of his +delicate sensibility—of his nervous dread of depreciation—being +compelled to appear here this day to +vindicate his character, nay more, his honour, from +one of the foulest attempts at conspiracy that was +ever directed against any individual. I say that a +grosser attack was never made upon the character of +any grocer, and I look confidently to the reversion of +this unjust, unprecedented conviction, and to the +triumphant victory of my most respectable and public-spirited +client. It is not for the sake of the few paltry +shillings that he appeals to this court—it is not for the +sake of calling in question the power of the constituted +authorities of this county—but it is for the vindication +and preservation of a character dear to all men, but +doubly dear to a grocer, and which once lost can never +be regained. Look, I say, upon my client as he sits +below the witness-box, and say, if in that countenance +there appears any indication of a lawless or rebellious +spirit; look, I say, if the milk of human kindness is not +strikingly portrayed in every feature, and truly may +I exclaim in the words of the poet:"</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>If to his share some trifling errors fall,</p> +<p>Look in his face, and you'll forget them all.'</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable +time of the court; but, sir, this appeal is based on a +trespass, and one good trespass deserves another."</p> + +<p>The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail the +proceedings of the day's shooting, and afterwards to +analyse the enactments of the new Game Bill, which +he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and ridiculous, +and concluded a long and energetic speech, by calling +upon the court to reverse the decision of the magistrate, +and not support the preposterous position of fining a +man for a trespass committed by his toe.</p> + +<p>After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Sergeant +Bumptious, a stiff, bull-headed little man, desperately +pitted with the smallpox, rose to reply, and looking +round the court, thus commenced:</p> + +<p>"Five-and-thirty years have I passed in courts of +justice, but never, during a long and extensive practice, +have I witnessed so gross a perversion of that sublimest +gift, called eloquence, as within the last hour"—here +he banged his brief against the table, and looked at +Mr. Smirk, who smiled.—"I lament, sir, that it has not +been employed in a better cause—(bang again—and +another look). My learned friend has, indeed, laboured +to make the worse appear the better cause—to convert +into a trifle one of the most outrageous acts that ever +disgraced a human being or a civilised country. Well +did he describe the importance of this case!—important +as regards his client's character—important as regards +this great and populous county—important as regards +those social ties by which society is held together—important +as regards a legislative enactment, and +important as regards the well-being and prosperity +of the whole nation—(bang, bang, bang). I admire +the bombastic eloquence with which my learned friend +introduced his most distinguished client—his most +delicate minded—sensitive client!—Truly, to hear him +speaking I should have thought he had been describing +a lovely, blushing young lady, but when he comes to +exhibit his paragon of perfection, and points out that +great, red-faced, coarse, vulgar-looking, lubberly lump +of humanity—(here Bumptious looked at Jorrocks as +he would eat him)—sitting below the witness-box, +and seeks to enlist the sympathies of your worships +on the Bench—of you, gentlemen, the high-minded, +shrewd, penetrating judges of this important cause—(and +Bumptious smiled and bowed along the Bench +upon all whose eyes he could catch)—on behalf of such +a monster of iniquity, it does make one blush for the +degradation of the British Bar—(bang—bang—bang—Jorrocks +here looked unutterable things). Does my +learned friend think by displaying his hero as a fox-hunter, +and extolling his prowess in the field, to gain +over the sporting magistrates on the Bench? He knows +little of the upright integrity—the uncompromising +honesty—the undeviating, inflexible impartiality that +pervades the breast of every member of this tribunal, +if he thinks for the sake of gain, fear, favour, hope, +or reward, to influence the opinion, much less turn +the judgment, of any one of them." (Here Bumptious +bowed very low to them all and laid his hand upon +his heart. Tomkins nodded approbation.) "Far, far be +it from me to dwell with unbecoming asperity on the +conduct of anyone—we are all mortals—and alike liable +to err; but when I see a man who has been guilty of +an act which has brought him all but within the verge +of the prisoners' dock; I say, when I see a man who has +been guilty of such an outrage on society as this ruffian +Jorrocks, come forward with the daring effrontery that +he has this day done, and claim redress where he himself +is the offender, it does create a feeling in my mind +divided between disgust and amazement"—(bang).</p> + +<p>Here Jorrock's cauldron boiled over, and rising from +his seat with an outstretched shoulder-of-mutton fist, +he bawled out, "D—n you, sir, what do you mean?"</p> + +<p>The court was thrown into amazement, and even +Bumptious quailed before the fist of the mighty Jorrocks. +"I claim the protection of the court," he exclaimed. +Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he should certainly +order Mr. Jorrocks into custody if he repeated his +conduct, adding that it was "most disrespectful to the +justices of our lord the king."</p> + +<p>Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a +fresh volume of venom wherewith to annihilate Jorrocks, +and catching his eye, he transfixed him like +a rattlesnake, and again resumed.</p> + +<p>"How stands the case?" said he. "This cockney +grocer—for after all he is nothing else—who I dare +say scarcely knows a hawk from a hand-saw—leaves +his figs and raisins, and sets out on a marauding excursion +into the county of Surrey, and regardless of property—of +boundaries—of laws—of liberties—of life itself—strides +over every man's land, letting drive at whatever +comes in his way! The hare he shot on this occasion was +a pet hare!—For three successive summers had Miss +Cheatum watched and fed it with all the interest and +anxiety of a parent. I leave it to you, gentlemen, who +have daughters of your own, with pets also, to picture +to yourselves the agony of her mind in finding that her +favourite had found its way down the throat of that +great guzzling, gormandising, cockney cormorant; and +then, forsooth, because he is fined for the outrageous +trespass, he comes here as the injured party, and +instructs his counsel to indulge in Billingsgate abuse +that would disgrace the mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner! +I regret that instead of the insignificant fine +imposed upon him, the law did not empower the worthy +magistrate to send him to the treadmill, there to recreate +himself for six or eight months, as a warning to the whole +fraternity of lawless vagabonds." Here he nodded his +head at Jorrocks as much as to say, "I'll trounce you, +my boy!" He then produced maps and plans of the +different estates, and a model of the shed, to show how +it had all happened, and after going through the case +in such a strain as would induce one to believe it was a +trial for murder or high treason, concluded as follows:</p> + +<p>"The eyes of England are upon us—reverse this conviction, +and you let loose a rebel band upon the country, +ripe for treason, stratagem, or spoil—you overturn the +finest order of society in the world; henceforth no man's +property will be safe, the laws will be disregarded, and +even the upright, talented, and independent magistracy +of England brought into contempt. But I feel convinced +that your decision will be far otherwise—that by +it you will teach these hot-headed—rebellious—radical +grocers that they cannot offend with impunity, and +show them that there is a law which reaches even the +lowest and meanest inhabitant of these realms, that +amid these days of anarchy and innovation you will +support the laws and aristocracy of this country, that +you will preserve to our children, and our children's +children, those rights and blessings which a great and +enlightened administration have conferred upon ourselves, +and raise for Tomkins of Tomkins and the +magistracy of the proud county of Surrey, a name +resplendent in modern times and venerated to all +eternity."</p> + +<p>Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks, +and banging down his brief, tucked his gown under +his arm, turned on his heel and left the court, to indulge +in a glass of pale sherry and a sandwich, regardless +which way the verdict went, so long as he had given him +a good quilting. The silence that followed had the effect +of rousing some of the dozing justices, who nudging +those who had fallen asleep, they all began to stir +themselves, and having laid their heads together, during +which time they settled the dinner-hour for that day, +and the meets of the staghounds for the next fortnight, +they began to talk of the matter before the court.</p> + +<p>"I vote for reversing," said Squire Jolthead; "Jorrocks +is such a capital fellow." "I must support Boreem," said +Squire Hicks: "he gave me a turn when I made the mistaken +commitment of Gipsy Jack." "What do you say, +Mr. Giles?" inquired Mr. Tomkins. "Oh, anything you +like, Mr. Tomkins." "And you, Mr. Hopper?" who had +been asleep all the time. "Oh! guilty, I should say—three +months at the treadmill—privately whipped, if +you like," was the reply. Mr. Petty always voted on +whichever side Bumptious was counsel—the learned +serjeant having married his sister—and four others +always followed the chair.</p> + +<p>Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates resumed +their seats along the bench, and coming forward he stood +before the judge's chair, and taking off his hat with +solemn dignity and precision, laid it down exactly in the +centre of the desk, amid cries from the bailiffs and ushers +for "Silence, while the justices of the peace of our +sovereign lord the king, deliver the judgment of the +court."</p> + +<p>"The appellant in this case," said Mr. Tomkins, very +slowly, "seeks to set aside a conviction for trespass, +on the ground, as I understand, of his not having committed +one. The principal points of the case are admitted, +as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's toe, or a part of his toe, +having intruded upon the respondent's estate. Now, so +far as that point is concerned, it seems clear to myself +and to my brother magistrates, that it mattereth not +how much or how little of the toe was upon the land, +so long as any part thereof was there. 'De minimis non +curat lex'—the English of which is 'the law taketh no +cognisance of fractions'—is a maxim among the salaried +judges of the inferior courts in Westminster Hall, which +we the unpaid, the in-cor-rup-ti-ble magistrates of the +proud county of Surrey, have adopted in the very deep +and mature deliberation that preceded the formation +of our most solemn judgment. In the present great and +important case, we, the unpaid magistrates of our +sovereign lord the king, do not consider it necessary +that there should be 'a toe, a whole toe, and nothing +but a toe,' to constitute a trespass, any more than it +would be necessary in the case of an assault to prove +that the kick was given by the foot, the whole foot, and +nothing but the foot. If any part of the toe was there, +the law considers that it was there <i>in toto</i>. Upon this +doctrine, it is clear that Mr. Jorrocks was guilty of a +trespass, and the conviction must be affirmed. Before +I dismiss the case I must say a few words on the statute +under which this decision takes place.</p> + +<p>"This is the first conviction that has taken place +since the passing of the Act, and will serve as a precedent +throughout all England. I congratulate the country +upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which it has been +submitted. The court has listened with great and becoming +attention to the arguments of the counsel on +both sides: and though one gentleman with a flippant +ignorance has denounced this new law as inferior to the +pre-existing system, and a curse to the country, we, the +magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, must enter +our protest against such a doctrine being promulgated. +Peradventure, you are all acquainted with my prowess +as a shooter; I won two silver tankards at the Red +House, Anno Domini 1815. I mention this to show that +I am a practical sportsman, and as to the theory of the +Game Laws, I derive my information from the same +source that you may all derive yours—from the bright +refulgent pages of the <i>New Sporting Magazine</i>!"</p> +<br><br> + +<a name="IV" id="IV"></a> +<h3>IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS</h3> + +<p>The Surrey foxhounds had closed their season—a most +brilliant one—but ere Mr. Jorrocks consigned his boots +and breeches to their summer slumber, he bethought of +having a look at the Surrey staghounds, a pack now +numbered among the things that were.</p> + +<p>Of course he required a companion, were it only to +have some one to criticise the hounds with, so the +evening before the appointed day, as the Yorkshireman +was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the +Piazza Coffee-room in Covent Garden, having just finished +his second marrowbone and glass of white brandy, +George—the only waiter in the room with a name—came +smirking up with a card in his hand, saying, that +the gentleman was waiting outside to speak with him. +It was a printed one, but the large round hand in which +the address had been filled up, encroaching upon the +letters, had made the name somewhat difficult to decipher. +At length he puzzled out "Mr. John Jorrocks—Coram +Street"; the name of the city house or shop in +the corner (No.—, St. Botolph's Lane) being struck +through with a pen. "Oh, ask him to walk in directly," +said the Yorkshireman to George, who trotted off, and +presently the flapping of the doors in the passage announced +his approach, and honest Jorrocks came rolling +up the room—not like a fox-hunter, or any other sort of +hunter, but like an honest wholesale grocer, fresh from +the city.</p> + +<p>"My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't +think," said he, advancing with both hands out, and +hugging the Yorkshireman after the manner of a Polar +bear. "I have not time to stay one moment; I have to +meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury Square +at a quarter to six, and it wants now only seven minutes +to," casting his eye up at the clock over the sideboard.—"I +have just called to say that as you are fond of +hunting, and all that sort of thing, if you have a mind +for a day with the staghounds to-morrow, I will mount +you same as before, and all that sort of thing—you understand, +eh?" "Thank you, my good friend," said the +Yorkshireman; "I have nothing to do to-morrow, and +am your man for a stag-hunt." "That's right, my good +fellow," said Jorrocks, "then I'll tell you what do—come +and breakfast with me in Great Coram Street, at +half-past seven to a minute. I've got one of the first +'ams (hams) you ever clapt eyes on in the whole course +of your memorable existence.—Saw the hog alive myself—sixteen +score within a pound; must come—know +you like a fork breakfast—dejeune ą la fauchette, as we +say in France, eh? Like my Lord Mayor's fool I guess, +love what's good; well, all right too—so come without +any ceremony—us fox-hunters hates ceremony—where +there's ceremony there's no friendship.—Stay—I had +almost forgotten," added he, checking himself as he +was on the point of departure. "When you come, ring +the area bell, and then Mrs. J—— won't hear; know you +don't like Mrs. J—— no more than myself."</p> + +<p>At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached +Great Coram Street, just as Old Jorrocks had opened +the door to look down the street for him. He was dressed +in a fine flowing, olive-green frock (made like a dressing-gown), +with a black velvet collar, having a gold embroidered +stag on each side, gilt stag-buttons, with rich +embossed edges; an acre of buff waistcoat, and a most +antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre buckskins, +made by White, of Tarporley, in the twenty-first year +of the reign of George the Third; they were double-lashed, +back-stiched, front-stiched, middle-stiched, and +patched at both knees, with a slit up behind. The coat +he had won in a bet, and the breeches in a raffle, the +latter being then second or third hand. His boots were +airing before the fire, consequently he displayed an +amplitude of calf in grey worsted stockings, while his +feet were thrust into green slippers. "So glad to see +you"! said he; "here's a charming morning, indeed—regular +southerly wind and a cloudy sky—rare scenting +it will be—think I could almost run a stag myself. Come +in—never mind your hat, hang it anywhere, but don't +make a noise. I stole away and left Mrs. J—— snoring, so +won't do to wake her, you know. By the way, you should +see my hat;—Batsey, fatch my hat out of the back +parlour. I've set up a new green silk cord, with a gold +frog to fasten it to my button-hole—werry illigant, I +think, and werry suitable to the dress—quite my own +idea—have a notion all the Surrey chaps will get them; +for, between you and me, I set the fashions, and what +is more, I sometimes set them at a leap too. But now +tell me, have you any objection to breakfasting in the +kitchen?—more retired, you know, besides which you +get everything hot and hot, which is what I call doing +a bit of plisure." "Not at all," said the Yorkshireman, +"so lead the way"; and down they walked to the lower +regions.</p> + +<p>It was a nice comfortable-looking place, with a blazing +fire, half the floor covered with an old oil-cloth, and the +rest exhibiting the cheerless aspect of the naked flags. +About a yard and a half from the fire was placed the +breakfast table; in the centre stood a magnificent uncut +ham, with a great quartern loaf on one side and a huge +Bologna sausage on the other; besides these there were +nine eggs, two pyramids of muffins, a great deal of toast, +a dozen ship-biscuits, and half a pork-pie, while a dozen +kidneys were spluttering on a spit before the fire, and +Betsy held a gridiron covered with mutton-chops on the +top; altogether there was as much as would have served +ten people. "Now, sit down," said Jorrocks, "and let +us be doing, for I am as hungry as a hunter. Hope you +are peckish too; what shall I give you? tea or coffee?—but +take both—coffee first and tea after a bit. If I can't +give you them good, don't know who can. You must +pay your devours, as we say in France, to the 'am, for +it is an especial fine one, and do take a few eggs with it; +there, I've not given you above a pound of 'am, but you +can come again, you know—waste not want not. +Now take some muffins, do, pray. Batsey, bring some +more cream, and set the kidneys on the table, the Yorkshireman +is getting nothing to eat. Have a chop with +your kidney, werry luxterous—I could eat an elephant +stuffed with grenadiers, and wash them down with a +ocean of tea; but pray lay in to the breakfast, or I shall +think you don't like it. There, now take some tea and +toast or one of those biscuits, or whatever you like; +would a little more 'am be agreeable? Batsey, run into the +larder and see if your Missis left any of that cold chine +of pork last night—and hear, bring the cold goose, and +any cold flesh you can lay hands on, there are really +no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set you +down to such a scanty fork breakfast; but this is what +comes of not being master of your own house. Hope your +hat may long cover your family: rely upon it, it is +cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a pig". Just +as Jorrocks uttered these last words the side door +opened, and without either "with your leave or by +your leave", in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in an elegant +dishabille (or "dish-of-veal", as Jorrocks pronounced +it), with her hair tucked up in papers, and a pair of +worsted slippers on her feet, worked with roses and +blue lilies.</p> + +<p>"Pray, Mister J——," said she, taking no more notice +of the Yorkshireman than if he had been enveloped in +Jack the Giant-killer's coat of darkness, "what is the +meaning of this card? I found it in your best coat pocket, +which you had on last night, and I do desire, sir, that +you will tell me how it came there. Good morning, sir +(spying the Yorkshireman at last), perhaps you know +where Mr. Jorrocks was last night, and perhaps you +can tell me who this person is whose card I have found +in the corner of Mr. Jorrocks's best coat pocket?" +"Indeed, madam", replied the Yorkshireman, "Mr. +Jorrocks's movements of yesterday evening are quite +a secret to me. It is the night that he usually spends +at the Magpie and Stump, but whether he was there +or not I cannot pretend to say, not being a member of +the free and easy club. As for the card, madam..." +"There, then, take it and read it," interrupted Mrs. J——; +and he took the card accordingly—a delicate pale pink, +with blue borders and gilt edge—and read—we would +fain put it all in dashes and asterisks—"Miss Juliana +Granville, John Street, Waterloo Road."</p> + +<p>This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or two +to recollect himself, he pretended to get into a thundering +passion, and seizing the card out of the Yorkshireman's +hand, he thrust it into the fire, swearing it was an +application for admission into the Deaf and Dumb Institution, +where he wished he had Mrs. J——. The Yorkshireman, +seeing the probability of a breeze, pretended to +have forgotten something at the Piazza, and stole away, +begging Jorrocks to pick him up as he passed. Peace +had soon been restored; for the Yorkshireman had not +taken above three or four turns up and down the coffee-room, +ere George the waiter came to say that a gentleman +waited outside. Putting on his hat and taking a +coat over his arm, he turned out; when just before the +door he saw a man muffled up in a great military cloak, +and a glazed hat, endeavouring to back a nondescript +double-bodied carriage (with lofty mail box-seats and +red wheels), close to the pavement. "Who-ay, who-ay," +said he, "who-ay, who-ay, horse!" at the same time +jerking at his mouth. As the Yorkshireman made his +exit, a pair eyes of gleamed through the small aperture +between the high cloak collar and the flipe of the glazed +hat, which he instantly recognised to belong to Jorrocks. +"Why, what the deuce is this you are in?" said he, +looking at the vehicle. "Jump up," said Jorrocks, "and +I'll tell you all about it," which having done, and the +machine being set in motion he proceeded to relate +the manner in which he had exchanged his cruelty-van +for it—by the way, as arrant a bone-setter as ever +unfortunate got into, but which he, with the predilection +all men have for their own, pronounced to be a "monstrous +nice carriage." On their turning off the rough +pavement on to the quiet smooth Macadamised road +leading to Waterloo Bridge, his dissertation was +interrupted by a loud horse-laugh raised by two or three +toll-takers and boys lounging about the gate.</p> + +<p>"I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine," said one. "Dash +my buttons, I never seed such a thing in all my life." +"What's to pay?" inquired Jorrocks, pulling up with +great dignity, their observations not having penetrated +the cloak collar which encircled his ears. "To pay!" +said the toll-taker—"vy, vot do ye call your consarn?" +"Why, a phaeton," said Jorrocks. "My eyes! that's a +good 'un," said another. "I say, Jim—he calls this 'ere +thing a phe-a-ton!" "A phe-a-ton!—vy, it's more like +a fire-engine," said Jim. "Don't be impertinent," said +Jorrocks, who had pulled down his collar to hear what +he had to pay—"but tell me what's to pay?" "Vy, +it's a phe-a-ton drawn by von or more 'orses," said the +toll-taker; "and containing von or more asses," said +Tom. "Sixpence-halfpenny, sir," "You are a saucy +fellow," said Jorrocks. "Thank ye, master, you're +another," said the toll-taker; "and now that you have +had your say, vot do ye ax for your mouth?" "I say, +sir, do you belong to the Phenix? Vy don't you show +your badge?" "I say, Tom, that 'ere fire-engine has been +painted by some house-painter, it's never been in the +hands of no coach-maker. Do you shave by that 'ere +glazed castor of yours?" "I'm blowed it I wouldn't +get you a shilling a week to shove your face in sand, +to make moulds for brass knockers." "Ay, get away!—make +haste, or the fire will be out," bawled out +another, as Jorrocks whipped on, and rattled out of +hearing.</p> + +<p>"Now, you see," said he, resuming the thread of his +discourse, as if nothing had happened, "this back seat +turns down and makes a box, so that when Mrs. J—— +goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all her things +with her, instead of sending half of them by the coach +as she used to do; and if we are heavy, there is a pole +belonging to it, so that we can have two horses; and +then there is a seat draws out here (pulling a stool from +between his legs) which anybody can sit on." "Yes, +anybody that is small enough," said the Yorkshireman, +"but you would cut a queer figure on it, I reckon." +The truth was, that the "fire-engine" was one of those +useless affairs built by some fool upon a plan of his own, +with the idea of combining every possible comfort and +advantage, and in reality not possessing one. Friend +Jorrocks had seen it at a second-hand shop in Fore +Street, and became the happy owner of it, in exchange +for the cruelty-van and seventeen pounds.—Their +appearance on the road created no small sensation, +and many were the jokes passed upon the "fire-engine." +One said they were mountebanks; another that it was +a horse-break; a third asked if it was one of Gurney's +steam-carriages, while a fourth swore it was a new convict-cart +going to Brixton. Jorrocks either did not or +would not hear their remarks, and kept expatiating +upon the different purposes to which the machine might +be converted, and the stoutness of the horse that was +drawing it.</p> + +<p>As they approached the town of Croydon, he turned +his cloak over his legs in a very workman-like manner, +and was instantly hailed by some brother sportsmen;—one +complimented him on his looks, another on his +breeches, a third praised his horse, a fourth abused the +fire-engine, and a fifth inquired where he got his glazed +hat. He had an answer for them all, and a nod or a +wink for every pretty maid that showed at the windows; +for though past the grand climacteric, he still has a +spice of the devil in him—and, as he says, "there is no +harm in looking." The "Red Lion" at Smitham Bottom +was the rendezvous of the day. It is a small inn on the +Brighton road, some three or four miles below Croydon. +On the left of the road stands the inn, on the right is a +small training-ground, and the country about is open +common and down. There was an immense muster +about the inn, and also on the training-ground, consisting +of horsemen, gig-men, post-chaise-men, footmen,—Jorrocks +and the Yorkshireman made the firemen.</p> + +<p>"Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare", exclaimed one, +as Jorrocks drove the fire-engine up at as quick a pace +as his horse would go. "Why, what a concern he's in", +said another, "why, the old man's mad, surely".—"He's +good for a subscription," added another, addressing +him. "I say, Jorrocks, old boy, you'll give us ten +pound for our hounds won't you?—that's a good fellow." +"Oh yes, Jorrocks promised us a subscription last year," +observed another, "and he is a man of his word—arn't +you old leather breeches?" "No, gentlemen," said +Jorrocks, standing up in the fire-engine, and sticking +the whip into its nest, "I really cannot—I wish I could, +but I really cannot afford it. Times really are so bad, +and I have my own pack to subscribe to, and I must +be 'just before I am generous.'" "Oh, but ten pounds +is nothing in your way, you know, Jorrocks—adulterate +a chest of tea. Old——here will give you all the leaves +off his ash-trees." "No," said Jorrocks, "I really cannot—ten +pounds is ten pounds, and I must cut my coat +according to my cloth." "By Jove, but you must have +had plenty of cloth when you cut that coat you've got +on, old boy. Why there's as much cloth in the laps as +would make a pair of horse-sheets." "Never mind," +said Jorrocks, "I wear it, and not you." "Now," said +Jorrocks in an undertone to the Yorkshireman, "you +see what an unconscionable set of dogs these stag-'unters +are. They're at every man for a subscription, and talk +about guineas as if they grew upon gooseberry-bushes. +Besides, they are such a rubbishing set—all drafts from +the fox'ounds.—Now there's a chap on a piebald just +by the trees—he goes into the <i>Gazette</i> reglarly once +in three years, and yet to see him out, you'd fancy all +the country round belonged to him. And there's a buck +with his bearing-rein so tight that he can hardly move +his neck," pointing to a gentleman in scarlet, with a +tremendous stiff blue cravat—"he lives by keeping a +mad-house and being werry high, consequential sort of +a cock, they calls him the 'Lord High Keeper!'—I'll +tell ye a joke about that fellow," said he, pointing to +a man alighting from a red-wheeled buggy—"he's a +werry shabby screw, and is always trying to save a +penny.—Well, he hires a young half-witted hawbuck +for a servant, who didn't clean his boots to his liking, +so he began reading the Riot Act one day, and concluded +by saying, 'I'm blowed if I couldn't clean them better +myself with a little pump-water.'—The next day, up +came the boots duller than ever.—'Bless my soul,' +exclaimed he, 'why, they are worse than before, how's +this, sir?'—'Please, sir, you said you could clean them +better with a little pump-water, so I tried it, and I do +think they are worse!' Haw! haw! haw!—Yon chap in +the black plush breeches and Hessians, standing by +the ginger-pop tray, is the only man what ever got the +better of me in the 'oss-dealing line, and he certainlie +did bite me uncommon 'andsomely. I gave him three +and twenty pounds, a strong violin case with patent +hinges, lined with superfine green baize, and an uncut +copy of Middleton's <i>Cicero</i>, for an 'oss that the blacksmith +really declared wasn't worth shoeing.—Howsomever, +I paid him off, for I christened the 'oss Barabbas—who, +you knows, was a robber—and the seller has +gone by the name of Barabbas ever since."</p> + +<p>"Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine?" +inquired Jorrocks, turning to a group who had just +approached the fire-engine. "We don't know yet," said +a gentleman in scarlet, "the deer has not come yet; +but yonder he is," pointing up the road to a covered +cart, "and there are the hounds just coming over the +hill at the back." The covered cart approached, and +several went to meet it. The cry of "Oh, it's old Tunbridge," +was soon heard. "Well, we shall have a good +dinner," said Jorrocks, "if that is the case. Is it Tunbridge?" +inquired he eagerly of one of the party who +returned from the deer-cart. "Yes, it's old Tunbridge, +and Snooks has ordered dinner at the Wells for sixteen +at five o'clock, so the first sixteen that get there had +better look out." "Here, bouy," said Jorrocks in an +undertone to his servant, who was leading his screws +about on the green, "take this 'oss out of the carriage, +and give him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tunbridge +Wells, and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, +that I shall be there with a friend to the dinner, and +bid him write 'Jorrocks' upon two plates and place +them together.—Nothing like making sure," said he, +chuckling at his own acuteness.</p> + +<p>"Now to 'orse—to 'orse!" exclaimed he, suiting the +action to the word, and climbing on to his great chestnut, +leaving the Yorkshireman to mount the rat-tail +brown. "Let's have a look at the 'ounds", turning his +horse in the direction in which they were coming. +Jonathan Griffin<a id="footnotetag16" name="footnotetag16"></a><a href="#footnote16"><sup>16</sup></a> took off his cap to Jorrocks, as he +approached, who waved his hand in the most patronising +manner possible, adding "How are you, Jonathan?" +"Pretty well, thank you, Mister Jorrocks, hope you're +the same." "No, not the same, for I'm werry well, +which makes all the difference—haw! haw! haw! You +seem to have but a shortish pack, I think—ten, twelve, +fourteen couple—'ow's that? We always take nine and +twenty with the Surrey". "Why, you see, Mister +Jorrocks, stag-hunting and fox-hunting are very +different. The scent of the deer is very ravishing, and +then we have no drawing for our game. Besides, at this +season, there are always bitches to put back—but we +have plenty of hounds for sport.—I suppose we may +be after turning out," added Jonathan, looking at his +watch—"it's past eleven."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote16" name="footnote16"></a><b>Footnote 16:</b><a href="#footnotetag16"> (return) </a> Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his +day, exists, like his pack, but in the recollection of mankind. He +was long huntsman to the late Lord Derby, who, when he gave +up his staghounds, made Jonathan a present of them, and for +two or three seasons he scratched on in an indifferent sort of +way, until the hounds were sold to go abroad—to Hungary, we +believe.</blockquote> + +<p>On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and +began collecting, or capping, prior to turning out—it +being the rule of the hunt to make sure of the money +before starting, for fear of accidents. "Half a crown, if +you please, sir." "Now I'll take your half a crown." +"Mr. Jorrocks, shall I trouble you for half a crown?" +"Oh, surely," said Jorrocks, pulling out a handful of +great five-shilling pieces; "here's for this gentleman and +myself," handing one of them over, "and I shan't even +ask you for discount for ready money." The capping +went round, and a goodly sum was collected. Meanwhile +the deer-cart was drawn to the far side of a thick fence, +and the door being opened, a lubberly-looking animal, +as big as a donkey, blobbed out, and began feeding very +composedly. "That won't do," said Jonathan Griffin, +eyeing him—"ride on, Tom, and whip him away." Off +went the whip, followed by a score of sportsmen whose +shouts, aided by the cracking of their whips, would have +frightened the devil himself; and these worthies, knowing +the hounds would catch them up in due time, resolved +themselves into a hunt for the present, and pursued +the animal themselves. Ten minutes having expired +and the hounds seeming likely to break away, Jonathan +thought it advisable to let them have their wicked will, +and accordingly they rushed off in full cry to the spot +where the deer had been uncarted. Of course, there was +no trouble in casting for the scent; indeed they were +very honest, and did not pretend to any mystery; the +hounds knew within an inch where it would be, and the +start was pretty much like that for a hunter's plate +in four-mile heats. A few dashing blades rode before +the hounds at starting, but otherwise the field was +tolerably quiet, and was considerably diminished after +the three first leaps. The scent improved, as did the +pace, and presently they got into a lane along which +they rattled for five miles as hard as ever they could +lay legs to the ground, throwing the mud into each +other's faces, until each man looked as if he was roughcast. +A Kentish wagon, drawn by six oxen, taking up +the whole of the lane, had obliged the dear animal to +take to the fields again, where, at the first fence, most +of our high-mettled racers stood still. In truth, it was +rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch, with a mud bank +and a rotten landing. "Now, who's for it? Go it, Jorrocks, +you're a fox-hunter," said one, who, erecting himself in +his stirrups, was ogling the opposite side. "I don't like +it," said Jorrocks; "is never a gate near?" "Oh yes, +at the bottom of the field," and away they all tore for it. +The hounds now had got out of sight, but were heard +running in cover at the bottom of the turnip-field into +which they had just passed, and also the clattering of +horses' hoofs on the highway. The hounds came out +several times on to the road, evidently carrying the +scent, but as often threw up and returned into the cover. +The huntsman was puzzled at last; and quite convinced +that the deer was not in the wood, he called them out, +and proceeded to make a cast, followed by the majority +of the field. They trotted about at a brisk pace, first +to the right, then to the left, afterwards to the north, +and then to the south, over grass, fallow, turnips, potatoes, +and flints, through three farmyards, round two +horse-ponds, and at the back of a small village or hamlet, +without a note, save those of a few babblers. Everyone +seemed to consider it a desperate job. They were all +puzzled; at last they heard a terrible holloaing about a +quarter of a mile to the south, and immediately after +was espied a group of horsemen, galloping along the +road at full speed, in the centre of which was Jorrocks; +his green coat wide open, with the tails flying a long +way behind that of his horse, his right leg was thrust +out, down the side of which he kept applying his ponderous +hunting whip, making a most terrible clatter. +As they approached, he singled himself out from the +group, and was the first to reach the field. He immediately +burst out into one of his usual hunting energetic +strains. "Oh Jonathan Griffin! Jonathan Griffin!" said +he, "here's a lamentable occurrence—a terrible disaster! +Oh dear, oh dear—we shall never get to Tunbridge—that +unfortunate deer has escaped us, and we shall +never see nothing more of him—rely upon it, he's +killed before this." "Why, how's that?" inquired Griffin, +evidently in a terrible perturbation. "Why," said +Jorrocks, slapping the whip down his leg again, "there's +a little girl tells me, that as she was getting water at +the well just at the end of the wood, where we lost him, +she saw what she took to be a donkey jump into a return +post-chaise from the 'Bell', at Seven Oaks, that was +passing along the road with the door swinging wide +open! and you may rely upon it, it was the deer. The +landlord of the 'Bell' will have cut his throat before this, +for, you know, he vowed wengeance against us last year, +because his wife's pony-chaise was upset, and he swore +that we did it." "Oh, but that's a bad job", said the +huntsman; "what shall we do?" "Here, Tom," calling +to the whipper-in, "jump on to the Hastings coach" +(which just came up), "and try if you can't overtake +him, and bring him back, chaise and all, and I'll follow +slowly with the hounds." Tom was soon up, the coach +bowled on, and Jonathan and the hounds trotted gently +forward till they came to a public-house. Here, as they +stopped lamenting over their unhappy fate, and consoling +themselves with some cold sherry negus, the post-chaise +appeared in sight, with the deer's head sticking +out of the side window with all the dignity of a Lord +Mayor. "Huzza! huzza! huzza!" exclaimed Jorrocks, +taking off his hat, "here's old Tunbridge come back again, +huzza! huzza!" "But who's to pay me for the po-chay," +said the driver, pulling up; "I must be paid before I let +him out." "How much?" says Jonathan. "Why, +eighteen-pence a mile, to be sure, and three-pence a +mile to the driver." "No," says Jorrocks, "that won't do, +yours is a return chay; however, here's five shillings for +you, and now, Jonathan, turn him out again—he's +quite fresh after his ride—and see, he's got some straw +in the bottom."</p> + +<p>Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head +towards the town from whence he took his name, and +after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack was again laid +on. He was not, however, in very good wind, and it was +necessary to divide the second chase into two heats, for +which purpose the hounds were whipped off about the +middle, while the deer took a cold bath, after which he +was again set a-going. By half-past three they had +accomplished the run; and Mr. Pegg, of the "Sussex +Arms," having mounted his Pegasus, found them at the +appointed place by the Medway, where old Tunbridge's +carriage was waiting, into which having handed him, +they repaired to the inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of +them sat down to a dinner consisting of every delicacy +of the season, the Lord High Keeper in the chair. Being +all "hungry as hunters," little conversation passed until +after the removal of the cloth, when after the King and +his Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the President +gave "The noble, manly sport of stag-hunting," which +he eulogised as the most legitimate and exhilarating of +all sports, and sketched its progress from its wild state +of infancy when the unhappy sportsmen had to range +the fields and forests for their uncertain game, to the +present state of luxurious ease and elaborate refinement, +when they not only brought their deer to the meet, but +by selecting the proper animal, could insure a finish at +the place they most wished to dine at—all of which was +most enthusiastically applauded; and on the speaker's +ending, "Stag-hunting," and the "Surrey staghounds," +and "Long life to all stag-hunters," were drank in +brimming and overflowing bumpers. Fox-hunting, hare-hunting, +rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, rat-catching, +badger-baiting—all wild, seasonable, and legitimate +sports followed; and the chairman having run through +his list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting rather mellow, +resolved to try the soothing system on him for a subscription, +the badgering of the morning not having +answered. Accordingly, he called on the company to +charge their glasses, as he would give them a bumper +toast, which he knew they would have great pleasure +in drinking.—"He wished to propose the health of his +excellent friend on his right—MR. JORROCKS (applause), +a gentleman whose name only required mentioning in +any society of hunters to insure it a hearty and enthusiastic +reception. He did not flatter his excellent friend +when he said he was a man for the imitation of all, and +he was sure that when the present company recollected +the liberal support he gave to the Surrey foxhounds, +together with the keenness with which he followed that +branch of amusement, they would duly appreciate, not +only the honour he had conferred upon them by his +presence in the field that morning, and at the table +that day, but the disinterested generosity which had +prompted him voluntarily to declare his intention of +contributing to the future support of the Surrey staghounds +(immense cheers). He therefore thought the +least they could do was to drink the health of Mr. +Jorrocks, and success to the Surrey foxhounds, with +three times three," which was immediately responded +to with deafening cheers.</p> + +<p>Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on his +legs, and with one hand rattling the five-shilling pieces +in his breeches-pocket, and the thumb of the other +thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus began +to address them.—"Gentlemen," said he, "I'm no orator, +but I'm an honest man—(hiccup)—I feels werry (hiccup) +much obliged to my excellent friend the Lord High +Keeper (shouts of laughter), I begs his pardon—my +friend Mr. Juggins—for the werry flattering compliment +he has paid me in coupling my name (hiccup) +with the Surrey fox'ounds—a pack, I may say, without +wanity (hiccup), second to none. I'm a werry old member +of the 'unt, and when I was a werry poor man (hiccup) +I always did my best to support them (hiccup), and +now that I'm a werry rich man (cheers) I shan't do no +otherwise. About subscribing to the staggers, I doesn't +recollect saying nothing whatsomever about it (hiccup), +but as I'm werry friendly to sporting in all its ramifications +(hiccup), I'll be werry happy to give ten pounds +to your 'ounds."—Immense cheers followed this declaration, +which lasted for some seconds. When they had +subsided, Jorrocks put his finger on his nose and, with a +knowing wink of his eye, added: "Prowided my friend +the Lord High Keep—I begs his pardon—Juggins—will +give ten pounds to ours!"</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="V" id="V"></a> +<h3>V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT<br> +NEWMARKET</h3> + +<p>"A muffin—and the <i>Post</i>, sir," said George to the +Yorkshireman,—on one of the fine fresh mornings that +gently usher in the returning spring, and draw from the +town-pent cits sighs for the verdure of the fields,—as +he placed the above mentioned articles on his usual +breakfast table in the coffee-room of the "Piazza."</p> + +<p>With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole +day is unoccupied, the Yorkshireman sweetened his tea, +drew the muffin and a select dish of prawns to his elbow, +and turning sideways to the table, crossed his legs and +prepared to con the contents of the paper. The first +page as usual was full of advertisements.—Sales by +auction—Favour of your vote and interest—If the +next of kin—Reform your tailor's bills—Law—- Articled +clerk—An absolute reversion—Pony phaeton—Artificial +teeth—Messrs. Tattersall—Brace of pointers—Dog +lost—Boy found—Great sacrifice—No advance in coffee—Matrimony—A +single gentleman—Board and lodging +in an airy situation—To omnibus proprietors—Steam +to Leith and Hull—Stationery—Desirable investment +for a small capital—The fire reviver or lighter.</p> + +<p>Then turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole +meadow of type, consisting of the previous night's debate, +followed on by City news, Police reports, Fashionable +arrivals and departures, Dinners given, Sporting +intelligence, Newmarket Craven meeting. "That's more +in my way," said the Yorkshireman to himself as he +laid down the paper and took a sip of his tea. "I've a +great mind to go, for I may just as well be at Newmarket +as here, having nothing particular to do in either +place. I came to stay a hundred pounds in London it's +true, but if I stay ten of it at Newmarket, it'll be all +the same, and I can go home from there just as well as +from here"; so saying, he took another turn at the tea. +The race list was a tempting one, Riddlesworth, Craven +Stakes, Column Stakes, Oatlands, Port, Claret, Sherry, +Madeira, and all other sorts. A good week's racing in +fact, for the saintly sinners who frequent the Heath had +not then discovered any greater impropriety in travelling +on a Sunday, then in cheating each other on the Monday. +The tea was good, as were the prawns and eggs, and +George brought a second muffin, at the very moment +that the Yorkshireman had finished the last piece of +the first, so that by the time he had done his breakfast +and drawn on his boots, which were dryer and pleasanter +than the recent damp weather had allowed of their +being, he felt completely at peace with himself and all +the world, and putting on his hat, sallied forth with +the self-satisfied air of a man who had eat a good breakfast, +and yet not too much.</p> + +<p>Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind, and as +he sauntered along in the direction of the Strand, it +occurred to him that perhaps Mr. Jorrocks might have +no objection to accompany him. On entering that great +thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to the east, and +having examined the contents of all the caricature shops +in the line, and paid threepence for a look at the <i>York +Herald</i>, in the Chapter Coffee-house, St. Paul's Churchyard, +about noon he reached the corner of St. Botolph +Lane. Before Jorrocks & Co.'s warehouse, great bustle +and symptoms of brisk trade were visible. With true +city pride, the name on the door-post was in small dirty-white +letters, sufficiently obscure to render it apparent +that Mr. Jorrocks considered his house required no sign; +while, as a sort of contradiction, the covered errand-cart +before it, bore "JORROCKS & Co.'s WHOLESALE TEA +WAREHOUSE," in great gilt letters on each side of the +cover, so large that "he who runs might read," even +though the errand-cart were running too. Into this cart, +which was drawn by the celebrated rat-tail hunter, they +were pitching divers packages for town delivery, and a +couple of light porters nearly upset the Yorkshireman, +as they bustled out with their loads. The warehouse +itself gave evident proof of great antiquity. It was not +one of your fine, light, lofty, mahogany-countered, +banker-like establishments of modern times, where the +stock-in-trade often consists of books and empty canisters, +but a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty, dingy sort of +cellar above ground, full of hogsheads, casks, flasks, +sugar-loaves, jars, bags, bottles, and boxes.</p> + +<p>The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt, +and was sprinkled with rice, currants, and raisins, as +though they had been scattered for the purpose of growing. +A small corner seemed to have been cut off, like +the fold of a Leicestershire grazing-ground, and made +into an office in the centre of which was a square or +two of glass that commanded a view of the whole warehouse. +"Is Mr. Jorrocks in?" inquired the Yorkshireman +of a porter, who was busy digging currants with a +wooden spade. "Yes, sir, you'll find him in the counting-house," +was the answer; but on looking in, though +his hat and gloves were there, no Jorrocks was visible. +At the farther end of the warehouse a man in his shirt-sleeves, +with a white apron round his waist and a brown +paper cap on his head, was seen under a very melancholy-looking +skylight, holding his head over something, +as if his nose were bleeding. The Yorkshireman groped +his way up to him, and asking if Mr. Jorrocks was in, +found he was addressing the grocer himself. He had +been leaning over a large trayful of little white cups—with +teapots to match—trying the strength, flavour, and +virtue of a large purchase of tea, and the beverage was +all smoking before him. "My vig," exclaimed he, holding +out his hand, "who'd have thought of seeing you +in the city, this is something unkimmon! However, +you're werry welcome in St. Botolph Lane, and as this +is your first wisit, why, I'll make you a present of some +tea—wot do you drink?—black or green, or perhaps +both—four pounds of one and two of t'other. Here, +Joe!" summoning his foreman, "put up four pounds +of that last lot of black that came in, and two pounds +of superior green, and this gentleman will tell you where +to leave it.—And when do you think of starting?" +again addressing the Yorkshireman—"egad this is fine +weather for the country—have half a mind to have a +jaunt myself—makes one quite young—feel as if I'd +laid full fifty years aside, and were again a boy—when +did you say you start?" "Why, I don't know exactly," +replied the Yorkshireman, "the weather's so fine that +I'm half tempted to go round by Newmarket." "Newmarket!" +exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his arm in the +air, while his paper cap fell from his head with the +jerk—"by Newmarket! why, what in the name of all +that's impure, have you to do at Newmarket?"</p> + +<p>"Why, nothing in particular; only, when there's +neither hunting nor shooting going on, what is a man +to do with himself?—I'm sure you'd despise me if I +were to go fishing." "True," observed Mr. Jorrocks +somewhat subdued, and jingling the silver in his +breeches-pocket. "Fox-'unting is indeed the prince of +sports. The image of war, without its guilt, and only half +its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to it—a perfect +wictim—no one knows wot I suffer from my ardour.—If +ever I'm wisited with the last infirmity of noble +minds, it will be caused by my ingovernable passion +for the chase. The sight of a saddle makes me sweat. +An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A red coat throws +me into a scarlet fever. Never throughout life have I +had a good night's rest before an 'unting morning. But +werry little racing does for me; Sadler's Wells is well +enough of a fine summer evening—especially when they +plump the clown over head in the New River cut, and +the ponies don't misbehave in the Circus,—but oh! +Newmarket's a dreadful place, the werry name's a +sickener. I used to hear a vast about it from poor Will +Softly of Friday Street. It was the ruin of him—and +wot a fine business his father left him, both wholesale +and retail, in the tripe and cow-heel line—all went in +two years, and he had nothing to show at the end of +that time for upwards of twenty thousand golden sovereigns, +but a hundredweight of children's lamb's-wool +socks, and warrants for thirteen hogsheads of damaged +sherry in the docks. No, take my adwice, and have +nothing to say to them—stay where you are, or, if +you're short of swag, come to Great Coram Street, +where you shall have a bed, wear-and-tear for your teeth, +and all that sort of thing found you, and, if Saturday's +a fine day, I'll treat you with a jaunt to Margate."</p> + +<p>"You are a regular old trump," said the Yorkshireman, +after listening attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had +exhausted himself, "but, you see, you've never been at +Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing you about +it. I can assure you from personal experience that the +people there are quite as honest as those you meet every +day on 'Change, besides which, there is nothing more +invigorating to the human frame—nothing more cheering +to the spirits, than the sight and air of Newmarket +Heath on a fine fresh spring morning like the present. +The wind seems to go by you at a racing pace, and the +blood canters up and down the veins with the finest +and freest action imaginable. A stranger to the race-course +would feel, and almost instinctively know, what +turf he was treading, and the purpose for which that +turf was intended".</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"There's a magic in the web of it."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock," observed +Mr. Jorrocks interrupting the Yorkshireman, "and would +conwince the devil himself that black is white, but you'll +never make me believe the Newmarket folks are honest, +and as to the fine hair (air) you talk of, there's quite as +good to get on Hampstead Heath, and if it doesn't make +the blood canter up and down your weins, you can +always amuse yourself by watching the donkeys cantering +up and down with the sweet little children—haw! +haw! haw!—But tell me what is there at Newmarket +that should take a man there?" "What is there?" +rejoined the Yorkshireman, "why, there's everything +that makes life desirable and constitutes happiness, in +this world, except hunting. First there is the beautiful, +neat, clean town, with groups of booted professors, +ready for the rapidest march of intellect; then there +are the strings of clothed horses—the finest in the +world—passing indolently at intervals to their exercise,—the +flower of the English aristocracy residing in the +place. You leave the town and stroll to the wide open +heath, where all is brightness and space; the white +rails stand forth against the dear blue sky—the brushing +gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye; crowds +of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud the +heath; you feel elated and long to bound over the well +groomed turf and to try the speed of the careering +wind. All things at Newmarket train the mind to racing. +Life seems on the start, and dull indeed were he who +could rein in his feelings when such inspiring objects +meet together to madden them!"</p> + +<p>"Bravo!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper +cap in the air as the Yorkshireman concluded.—"Bravo!—werry +good indeed! You speak like ten Lord Mayors—never +heard nothing better. Dash my vig, if I won't +go. By Jove, you've done it. Tell me one thing—is +there a good place to feed at?"</p> + +<p>"Capital!" replied the Yorkshireman, "beef, mutton, +cheese, ham, all the delicacies of the season, as the +sailor said"; and thereupon the Yorkshireman and +Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain.</p> + +<p>Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the +"Belle Sauvage," in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy +"Binjimin," with Mr. Jorrocks's carpet-bag; and shortly +after Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter, and the +Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the yard. Having +consigned his horse to Binjimin; after giving him a +very instructive lesson relative to the manner in which +he would chastise him if he heard of his trotting or playing +any tricks with the horse on his way home, Mr. +Jorrocks proceeded to pay the remainder of his fare in +the coach office. The mail was full inside and out, indeed +the book-keeper assured him he could have filled a +dozen more, so anxious ware all London to see the +Riddlesworth run. "Inside," said he, "are you and your +friend, and if it wern't that the night air might give +you cold, Mr. Jorrocks" (for all the book-keepers in +London know him), "I should have liked to have got +you outsides, and I tried to make an exchange with +two black-legs, but they would hear of nothing less +than two guineas a head, which wouldn't do, you know. +Here comes another of your passengers—a great foreign +nobleman, they say—Baron something—though he looks +as much like a foreign pickpocket as anything else."</p> + +<p>"Vich be de voiture?" inquired a tall, gaunt-looking +foreigner, with immense moustache, a high conical hat +with a bright buckle, long, loose, blueish-blackish frock-coat, +very short white waistcoat, baggy brownish striped +trousers, and long-footed Wellington boots, with a sort +of Chinese turn up at the toe. "Vich be de Newmarket +Voiture?" said he, repeating the query, as he entered +the office and deposited a silk umbrella, a camlet cloak, +and a Swiss knapsack on the counter. The porter, +without any attempt at an answer, took his goods and +walked off to the mail, followed closely by the Baron, +and after depositing the cloak inside, so that the Baron +might ride with his "face to the horses," as the saying +is, he turned the knapsack into the hind boot, and +swung himself into the office till it was time to ask for +something for his exertions. Meanwhile the Baron made +a tour of the yard, taking a lesson in English from the +lettering on the various coaches, when, on the hind boot +of one, he deciphered the word Cheapside.—"Ah, Cheapside!" +said he, pulling out his dictionary and turning to +the letter C. "Chaste, chat, chaw,—cheap, dat be it. +Cheap,—to be had at a low price—small value. Ah! I +hev (have) it," said he, stamping and knitting his brows, +"sacré-e-e-e-e nom de Dieu," and the first word being +drawn out to its usual longitude, three strides brought +him and the conclusion of the oath into the office together. +He then opened out upon the book-keeper, in a +tremendous volley of French, English and Hanoverian +oaths, for he was a cross between the first and last +named countries, the purport of which was "dat he +had paid de best price, and he be dem if he vod ride on +de Cheapside of de coach." In vain the clerks and book-keepers +tried to convince him he was wrong in his +interpretation. With the full conviction of a foreigner that +he was about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to +the opposite side of the coach, and the knapsack placed +on the roof. The fourth inside having cast up, the outside +passengers mounted, the insides took their places, +three-pences and sixpences were pulled out for the +porters, the guard twanged his horn, the coachman +turned out his elbow, flourished his whip, caught the +point, cried "All right! sit tight!" and trotted out of +the yard.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each +other, the Baron and old Sam Spring, the betting man, +did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, with his +curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old drab hat +turned up with green, careless neckcloth, flowing robe, +and comical cut? He knew Jorrocks—though—tell it +not in Coram Street, he didn't know his name; but +concluded from the disparity of age between him and +his companion, that Jorrocks was either a shark or a +shark's jackal, and the Yorkshireman a victim. With +due professional delicacy, he contented himself with +scrutinising the latter through his specs. The Baron's +choler having subsided, he was the first to break the +ice of silence. "Foine noight," was the observation, +which was thrown out promiscuously to see who would +take it up. Now Sam Spring, though he came late, had +learned from the porter that there was a Baron in the +coach, and being a great admirer of the nobility, for +whose use he has a code of signals of his own, consisting +of one finger to his hat for a Baron Lord as he calls +them, two for a Viscount, three for an Earl, four for a +Marquis, and the whole hand for a Duke, he immediately +responded with "Yes, my lord," with a fore-finger to +his hat. There is something sweet in the word "Lord" +which finds its way home to the heart of an Englishman. +No sooner did Sam pronounce it, than the Baron became +transformed in Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort +of person, and forthwith he commences ingratiating +himself by offering him a share of a large paper of sandwiches, +which the Baron accepted with the greatest +condescension, eating what he could and stuffing the +remainder into his hat. His lordship was a better hand +at eating than speaking, and the united efforts of the +party could not extract from him the precise purport +of his journey. Sam threw out two or three feasible +offers in the way of bets, but they fell still-born to +the bottom of the coach, and Jorrocks talked to him +about hunting and had the conversation all to himself, +the Baron merely replying with a bow and a stare, +sometimes diversified with, or "I tank you—vare good." +The conversation by degrees resolved itself into a snore, +in which they were all indulging, when the raw morning +air rushed in among them, as a porter with a lanthorn +opened the door and announced their arrival at +Newmarket. Forthwith they turned into the street, and +the outside passengers having descended, they all commenced +straddling, yawning, and stretching their limbs +while the guard and porters sorted their luggage. The +Yorkshireman having an eye to a bed, speedily had +Mr. Jorrocks's luggage and his own on the back of a +porter on its way to the "Rutland Arms," while that +worthy citizen followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment +at the smallness of the place, inquiring if they +were sure they had not stopped at some village by +mistake. Two beds had been ordered for two gentlemen +who could not get two seats by the mail, which fell to +the lot of those who did, and into these our heroes +trundled, having arranged to be called by the early +exercising hour.</p> + +<p>Whether it was from want of his usual night-cap of +brandy and water, or the fatigues of travelling, or what +else, remains unknown, but no sooner was Mr. Jorrocks +left alone with his candle, than all at once he was seized +with a sudden fit of trepidation, on thinking that he should +have been inveigled to such a place as Newmarket, and +the tremor increasing as he pulled four five-pound +bank-notes out of his watch-pocket, besides a vast of +silver and his great gold watch, he was resolved, should +an attempt be made upon his property, to defend it with +his life, and having squeezed the notes into the toe of +his boots, and hid the silver in the wash-hand stand, +he very deliberately put his watch and the poker under +the pillow, and set the heavy chest of drawers with two +stout chairs and a table against the door, after all which +exertions he got into bed and very soon fell sound asleep.</p> + +<p>Most of the inmates of the house were up with the +lark to the early exercises, and the Yorkshireman was as +early as any of them. Having found Mr. Jorrocks's door, +he commenced a loud battery against it without awaking +the grocer; he then tried to open it, but only succeeded +in getting it an inch or two from the post, and after +several holloas of "Jorrocks, my man! Mr. Jorrocks! +Jorrocks, old boy! holloa, Jorrocks!" he succeeded in +extracting the word "Wot?" from the worthy gentleman +as he rolled over in his bed. "Jorrocks!" repeated +the Yorkshireman, "it's time to be up." "Wot?" again +was the answer. "Time to get up. The morning's breaking." +"Let it break," replied he, adding in a mutter, +as he turned over again, "it owes me nothing."</p> + +<p>Entreaties being useless, and a large party being on +the point of setting off, the Yorkshireman joined them, +and spent a couple of hours on the dew-bespangled +heath, during which time they not only criticised the +figure and action of every horse that was out, but got +up tremendous appetites for breakfast. In the meantime +Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and having attired himself +with his usual care, in a smart blue coat with metal +buttons, buff waistcoat, blue stocking-netted tights, and +Hessian boots, he turned into the main street of Newmarket, +where he was lost in astonishment at the insignificance +of the place. But wiser men than Mr. +Jorrocks have been similarly disappointed, for it enters +into the philosophy of few to conceive the fame and +grandeur of Newmarket compressed into the limits of +the petty, outlandish, Icelandish place that bears the +name. "Dash my vig," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he brought +himself to bear upon Rogers's shop-window, "this is +the werry meanest town I ever did see. Pray, sir," +addressing himself to a groomish-looking man in a +brown cut-away coat, drab shorts and continuations, +who had just emerged from the shop with a race list +in his hand, "Pray, sir, be this your principal street?" +The man eyed him with a mixed look of incredulity and +contempt. At length, putting his thumbs into the arm-holes +of his waistcoat, he replied, "I bet a crown you +know as well as I do." "Done," said Mr. Jorrocks holding +out his hand. "No—I won't do that," replied the +man, "but I'll tell you what I'll do with you,—I'll lay +you two to one, in fives or fifties if you like, that you +knew before you axed, and that Thunderbolt don't win +the Riddlesworth." "Really," said Mr. Jorrocks, "I'm +not a betting man." "Then, wot the 'ell business have +you at Newmarket?" was all the answer he got. Disgusted +with such inhospitable impertinence, Mr. Jorrocks +turned on his heel and walked away. Before the "White +Hart" Inn was a smartish pony phaeton, in charge of +a stunted stable lad. "I say, young chap," inquired +Jorrocks, "whose is that?" "How did you know that +I was a young chap?" inquired the abortion turning +round. "Guessed it," replied Jorrocks, chuckling at his +own wit. "Then guess whose it is."</p> + +<p>"Pray, are your clocks here by London time?" he +asked of a respectable elderly-looking man whom he +saw turn out of the entry leading to the Kingston +rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and +then down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his +breeches-pockets, there to stand to see the "world." <a id="footnotetag17" name="footnotetag17"></a><a href="#footnote17"><sup>17</sup></a> +"Come now, old 'un—none o' your tricks here—you've +got a match on against time, I suppose," was all the +answer he could get after the man (old R—n the ex-flagellator) +had surveyed him from head to foot.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote17" name="footnote17"></a><b>Footnote 17:</b><a href="#footnotetag17"> (return) </a> Newmarket or London—it's all the same—"The world" is +but composed of one's own acquaintance.</blockquote> + +<p>We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when +Mr. Jorrocks met the Yorkshireman, he was not in the +best possible humour; indeed, to say nothing of the +extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we know +of no place where a man, not fond of racing, is so +completely out of his element as at Newmarket, for +with the exception of a little "elbow shaking" in the +evening, there is literally and truly nothing else to do. +It is "Heath," "Ditch in," "Abingdon mile," "T.Y.C. +Stakes," "Sweepstakes," "Handicaps," "Bet," "Lay," +"Take," "Odds," "Evens," morning, noon and night.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the +breakfast, and some invidious comparisons between +racing men and fox-hunters, which, however, became +softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the delicacy +of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at length +appeased, he again thought of turning out, to have a +look, as he said, at the shows on the course, but the +appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the window, +put it out of his head, and he sallied forth to join him. +The Baron was evidently incog.: for he had on the same +short dirty-white waistcoat, Chinese boots, and conical +hat, that he travelled down in, and being a stranger in +the land, of course he was uncommonly glad to pick +up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged him a little, called +him a "bon garēon," and a few other endearing terms, +he run his great long arm through his, and walked him +down street, the whole peregrinations of Newmarket +being comprised in the words "up street" and "down." +He then communicated in most unrepresentable language, +that he was on his way to buy "an 'oss," and +Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect connoisseur +in the article, the Baron again assured him of +his distinguished consideration. They were met by Joe +Rogers the trainer with a ring-key in his hand, who led +the way to the stable, and having unlocked a box in +which was a fine slapping four-year old, according to +etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in +one hand, laid hold of the horse's head with the other, +while the lad in attendance stripped off its clothes. The +Baron then turned up his wrists, and making a curious +noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand down +each leg, and along its back, after which he gave it a +thump in the belly and squeezed its throat, when, being +as wise as he was at starting, he stuck his thumb +in his side, and took a mental survey of the whole.—"Ah," +said he at length—"foin 'oss,—foin 'oss; vot ears +he has?" "Oh," said Rogers, "they show breeding." +"Non, non, I say vot ears he has?" "Well, but he carries +them well," was the answer. "Non, non," stamping, "I +say vot ears (years) he has?" "Oh, hang it, I twig—four +years old." Then the Baron took another long look +at him. At length he resumed, "I vill my wet." "What's +that?" inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. "His wet—why, a +drink to be sure," and thereupon Rogers went to the +pump and brought a glass of pure water, which the +Baron refused with becoming indignation. "Non, non," +said he stamping, "I vill my wet." Rogers looked at +Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at Rogers, but neither +Rogers nor Jorrocks understood him. "I vill my wet," +repeated the Baron with vehemence. "He must want +some brandy in it," observed Mr. Jorrocks, judging of +the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent +for three-penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed +it out of his hand with a prolonged sacré-e-e-e—! adding +"I vill von wet-tin-nin-na-ary surgeon." The boy was +dispatched for one, and on his arrival the veterinary +surgeon went through the process that the Baron had +attempted, and not being a man of many words, he +just gave the Baron a nod at the end. "How moch?" +inquked the Baron of Rogers. "Five hundred," was the +answer. "Vot, five hundred livre?" "Oh d——n it, you +may take or leave him, just as you like, but you won't +get him for less." The "vet" explained that the Baron +wished to know whether it was five hundred francs +(French ten-pences), or five hundred guineas English +money, and being informed that it was the latter, he +gave his conical hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted +out of the box.</p> + +<p>But race hour approaches, and people begin to +assemble in groups before the "rooms," while tax-carts, +pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual aristocratical +accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at +intervals into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a +spring-cart, driven by a ploughboy in fustian, there +the Earl of—— on a ten-pound pony, with the girths +elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over +its head, while Miss——, his jockey's daughter, dashes +by him in a phaeton with a powdered footman, and the +postilion in scarlet and leathers, with a badge on his +arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem Bland +draws the yellow phaeton and greys to the gateway of +the "White Hart," to take up his friend Crutch Robinson; +Zac, Jack and another, have just driven on in a fly. +In short, it's a brilliant meeting! Besides four coronetted +carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons-and-pair; +a thing that would have been a phaeton if they'd +have let it; General Grosvenor's dog-carriage, that is to +say, his carriage with a dog upon it; Lady Chesterfield +and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phaeton with an +out-rider (Miss—— will have one next meeting instead +of the powdered footman); Tattersall in his double +carriage driving without bearing-reins; Old Theobald +in leather breeches and a buggy; five Bury butchers +in a tax-cart; Young Dutch Sam on a pony; "Short-odds +Richards" on a long-backed crocodile-looking +rosinante; and no end of pedestrians.</p> + +<p>But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why eating +brawn in the "Rutland Arms" with his friend the Baron, +perfectly unconscious that all these passers-by were not +the daily visables of the place. "Dash my vig," said he, +as he bolted another half of the round, "I see no +symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the honour +to take another glass of sherry." His lordship was +nothing loath, so by mutual entreaties they finished +the bottle, besides a considerable quantity of porter. +A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk punch cart +mare—fresh from the plough—having been considerately +provided by the Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, +with a cob for himself, they proceeded to mount in the +yard, when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that +the Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, +seemed disconcerted, but it was only momentary; for +walking up to the punch mare, and resting his elbow +on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly +vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though +proud of the patronage of a lord, did not exactly comprehend +whether he was in earnest or not, but the +Baron soon let him know; for thrusting his conical +hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks's waist, +and gave the old mare a touch in the flank with the +Chinese boot, crying out—"Along me, brave <i>garēon</i>, +along <i>ma cher</i>," and the owner of the mare living at +Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that direction, +while the Yorkshireman slipped down the town unperceived. +The sherry had done its business on them both; +the Baron, and who, perhaps was the most "cut" of +the two, chaunted the <i>Marsellaise</i> hymn of liberty with +as much freedom as though he were sitting in the saddle. +Thus they proceeded laughing and singing until the +Bury pay-gate arrested their progress, when it occurred +to the steersman to ask if they were going right. "Be +this the vay to Newmarket races?" inquired Jorrocks +of the pike-keeper. The man dived into the small pocket +of his white apron for a ticket and very coolly replied, +"Shell out, old 'un." "How much?" said Jorrocks. +"Tuppence," which having got, he said, "Now, then, +you may turn, for the heath be over yonder," pointing +back, "at least it was there this morning, I know." +After a volley of abuse for his impudence, Mr. Jorrocks, +with some difficulty got the old mare pulled round, for +she had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a +plain snaffle in it; at last, however, with the aid of a +boy to beat her with a furze-bush, they got her set +a-going again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted +"down street," rose the hill, and entered the spacious +wide-extending flat of Newmarket Heath. The races were +going forward on one of the distant courses, and a slight, +insignificant, black streak, swelling into a sort of oblong +(for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), was all +that denoted the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect +of the quiet extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified, +having through life pictured Epsom as a mere drop in +the ocean compared with the countless multitude of +Newmarket, while the Baron, who was wholly indifferent +to the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks pitched over the +mare's head by applying the furze-bush (which he had +got from the boy) to her tail while Mr. Jorrocks was +sitting loosely, contemplating the barrenness of the +prospect. The sherry was still alive, and being all for +fun, he shuffled back into the saddle as soon as the old +mare gave over kicking; and giving a loud tally-ho, +with some minor "hunting noises," which were responded +to by the Baron in notes not capable of being +set to music, and aided by an equally indescribable +accompaniment from the old mare at every application +of the bush, she went off at score over the springy turf, +and bore them triumphantly to the betting-post just +as the ring was in course of formation, a fact which she +announced by a loud neigh on viewing her companion +of the plough, as well as by unpsetting some half-dozen +black-legs as she rushed through the crowd to greet her. +Great was the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing,—for +though the Newmarketites are familiar with +most conveyances, from a pair of horses down to a pair +of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see two +men ride into the ring on the same horse,—certainly +not with such a hat between them as the Baron's.</p> + +<p>The gravest and weightiest matters will not long +distract the attention of a black-leg, and the laughter +having subsided without Jorrocks or the Baron being +in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again +formed; horses' heads again turn towards the post, +while carriages, gigs, and carts form an outer circle. +A solemn silence ensues. The legs are scanning the list. +At length one gives tongue. "What starts? Does Lord +Eldon start?" "No, he don't," replies the owner. "Does +Trick, by Catton?" "Yes, and Conolly rides—but mind, +three pounds over." "Does John Bull?" "No John's +struck out." "Polly Hopkins does, so does Talleyrand, +also O, Fy! out of Penitence; Beagle and Paradox also—and +perhaps Pickpocket."</p> + +<p>Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the +betting-books. The legs and lords look at each other, +but no one likes to lead off. At length a voice is heard +offering to take nine to one he names the winner. "It's +short odds, doing it cautiously. I'll take eight then," +he adds—"sivin!" but no one bites. "What will anyone +lay about Trick, by Catton?" inquires Jem Bland. +"I'll lay three to two again him. I'll take two to one—two +ponies to one, and give you a suv. for laying it." +"Carn't" is the answer. "I'll do it, Jem," cries a voice. +"No, you won't," from Bland, not liking his customer. +Now they are all at it, and what a hubbub there is! +"I'll back the field—I'll lay—I'll take—I'll +bet—ponies—fifties—hundreds—five +hundred to two." "What do +you want, my lord?" "Three to one against Trick, +by Catton." "Carn't afford it—the odds really arn't +that in the ring." "Take two—two hundred to one." +"No." "Crockford, you'll do it for me?" "Yes, my +lord. Twice over if you like. Done, done." "Do it +again?" "No, thank you."</p> + +<p>"Trick, by Catton, don't start!" cries a voice. "Impossible!" +exclaim his backers. "Quite true, I'm just +from the weighing-house, and——told me so himself." +"Shame! shame!" roar those who have backed him, +and "honour—rascals—rogues—thieves—robbery—swindle—turf-ruined"—fly +from tongue to tongue, but +they are all speakers with never a speaker to cry order. +Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on their hacks +with the horses' cloths to the rubbing-house, and the +horses have actually started, and are now visible in +the distance sweeping over the open heath, apparently +without guide or beacon.</p> + +<p>The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's +box, and have just time to range themselves along +the rude stakes and ropes that guard the run in, and +the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony +to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable-lads +to "clear the course," before the horses come flying +towards home. Now all is tremor; hope and fear vacillating +in each breast. Silence stands breathless with +expectation—all eyes are riveted—the horses come +within descrying distance—"beautiful!" three close +together, two behind. "Clear the course! clear the +course! pray clear the course!" "Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" roar a hundred voices as they near. "O, +Fy! O, Fy!" respond an equal number. "The horse! +the horse!" bellow a hundred more, as though their +yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy! +and Talleyrand rush neck-and-neck along the cords +and pass the judge's box. A cry of "dead heat!" is heard. +The bystanders see as suits their books, and immediately +rush to the judge's box, betting, bellowing, roaring, and +yelling the whole way. "What's won? what's won? +what's won?" is vociferated from a hundred voices. +"Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins!" replies +Mr. Clark with judicial dignity. "By how much? by +how much?" "Half a head—half a head," <a id="footnotetag18" name="footnotetag18"></a><a href="#footnote18"><sup>18</sup></a> replies the +same functionary. "What's second?" "O, Fy!" and +so, amid the song of "Pretty, pretty Polly Hopkins," +from the winners, and curses and execrations long, +loud, and deep, from the losers, the scene closes.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote18" name="footnote18"></a><b>Footnote 18:</b><a href="#footnotetag18"> (return) </a> No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head; but we let +the whole passage stand as originally written.—EDITOR.</blockquote> + +<p>The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-house, +while the losing horses are left in the care of their +trainers and stable-boys, who console themselves with +hopes of "better luck next time."</p> + +<p>After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding +is the wheeling of the judge's box, and removal of the +old stakes and ropes to another course on a different +part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few ragged +rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture they bear. +In less than half an hour the same group of anxious +careworn countenances are again turned upon each +other at the betting-post, as though they had never +separated. But see! the noble owner of Trick, by Catton, +is in the crowd, and Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. +"I say, Waggey," cries he (singling out a friend stationed +by his lordship), "had you ought on Trick, by Catton?" +"No, Jem," roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, "I knew +my man too well." "Why now, Waggey, do you know +I wouldn't have done such a thing for the world! no, +not even to have been made a Markiss!" a horse-laugh +follows this denunciation, at which the newly created +marquis bites his livid lips.</p> + +<p>The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, +still sticks to the punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks +steers to the newly formed ring aided by the Baron +and the furze-bush. Here they come upon Sam Spring, +whose boy has just brought his spring-cart to bear upon +the ring formed by the horsemen, and thinking it a pity +a nobleman of any county should be reduced to the +necessity of riding double, very politely offers to take +one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and +forthwith proceeds to make himself quite at home in +it. The chorus again commences, and Jorrocks interrogates +Sam as to the names of the brawlers. "Who be +that?" said he, "offering to bet a thousand to a hundred." +Spring, after eyeing him through his spectacles, +with a grin and a look of suspicion replies, "Come now—come—let's +have no nonsense—you know as well as +I." "Really," replies Mr. Jorrocks most earnestly, "I +don't." "Why, where have you lived all your life?" +"First part of it with my grandmother at Lisson Grove, +afterwards at Camberwell, but now I resides in Great +Coram Street, Russell Square—a werry fashionable +neighbourhood." "Oh, I see," replies Sam, "you are +one of the reg'lar city coves, then—now, what brings +you here?" "Just to say that I have been at Newmarket, +for I'm blowed if ever you catch me here again." "That's +a pity," replied Sam, "for you look like a promising +man—a handsome-bodied chap in the face—don't you +sport any?" "O a vast!—'unt regularly—I'm a member +of the Surrey 'unt—capital one it is too—best in England +by far." "What do you hunt?" inquired Sam. "Foxes, +to be sure." "And are they good eating?" "Come," +replied Jorrocks, "you know, as well as I do, we don't +eat 'em." The dialogue was interrupted by someone +calling to Sam to know what he was backing.</p> + +<p>"The Bedlamite colt, my lord," with a forefinger to +his hat. "Who's that?" inquired Jorrocks. "That's my +Lord L——, a baron-lord—and a very nice one—best +baron-lord I know—always bets with me—that's another +baron-lord next him, and the man next him is a baron-knight, +a stage below a baron-lord—something between +a nobleman and a gentleman." "And who be that +stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and velvet collar +next him, just rubbing his chin with the race card—he'll +be a lord too, I suppose?" "No,—that's Mr. Gully, +as honest a man as ever came here,—that's Crockford +before him. The man on the right is Mr. C——, who +they call the 'cracksman,' because formerly he was a +professional housebreaker, but he has given up that +trade, and turned gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. +This little ugly black-faced chap, that looks for +all the world like a bilious Scotch terrier, has lately come +among us. He was a tramping pedlar—sold worsted +stockings—attended country courses, and occasionally +bet a pair. Now he bets thousands of pounds, and keeps +racehorses. The chaps about him all covered with chains +and rings and brooches, were in the duffing line—sold +brimstoned sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls +for real Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. +Now each has a first-rate house, horses and carriages, +and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, with the +extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cambridge. +He'll bet you a thousand pounds as soon as +look at you."</p> + +<p>"The chap on the right of the post with the red tie, +is the son of an ostler. He commenced betting thousands +with a farthing capital. The man next him, all teeth +and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an Honourable by +birth, but not very honourable in his nature." "But +see," cried Mr. Jorrocks, "Lord—— is talking to the +Cracksman." "To be sure," replies Sam, "that's the +beauty of the turf. The lord and the leg are reduced +to an equality. Take my word for it, if you have a turn +for good society, you should come upon the turf.—I +say, my Lord Duke!" with all five fingers up to his +hat, "I'll lay you three to two on the Bedlamite colt." +"Done, Mr. Spring," replies his Grace, "three ponies +to two." "There!" cried Mr. Spring, turning to Jorrocks, +"didn't I tell you so?" The riot around the post increases. +It is near the moment of starting, and the legs +again become clamorous for what they want. Their +vehemence increases. Each man is <i>in extremis</i>. "They +are off!" cries one. "No, they are not," replies another. +"False start," roars a third. "Now they come!" "No, +they don't!" "Back again." They are off at last, however, +and away they speed over the flat. The horses +come within descrying distance. It's a beautiful race—run +at score the whole way, and only two tailed off +within the cords. Now they set to—whips and spurs +go, legs leap, lords shout, and amid the same scene +of confusion, betting, galloping, cursing, swearing, and +bellowing, the horses rush past the judge's box.</p> + +<p>But we have run our race, and will not fatigue our +readers with repetition. Let us, however, spend the +evening, and then the "Day at Newmarket" will be +done.</p> + +<p>Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, +persuades Mr. Jorrocks to make one of a most agreeable +dinner-party at the "White Hart" on the assurance +of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid for +sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six +o'clock that number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, +the accomplished keeper of an oyster-room and +minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon to take +the chair, supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and +on his left by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames Street, while +the stout, jolly, portly Jerry Hawthorn fills—in the +fullest sense of the word—the vice-chair. Just as the +waiters are removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, +in his conical hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, +all politeness, invites him to join the party. "I tank +you," replies the Baron, "but I have my wet in de +next room." "But bring your wet with you," rejoins +Sam, "we'll all have our wet together after dinner," +thinking the Baron meant his wine.</p> + +<p>The usual inn grace—"For what we are going to +receive, the host expects to be paid",—having been +said with great feeling and earnestness, they all set to +at the victuals, and little conversation passed until the +removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon +his vice, observed that as in all probability there were +gentlemen of different political and other opinions present, +perhaps the best way would be to give a comprehensive +toast, and so get over any debatable ground,—he +therefore proposed to drink in a bumper "The king, +the queen, and all the royal family, the ministry, particularly +the Master of the Horse, the Army, the Navy, +the Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner +they had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord +of the White Hart" (great applause). Song from +Jerry Hawthorn—"The King of the Cannibal Islands".—The +chairman then called upon the company to fill +their glasses to a toast upon which there could be no +difference of opinion. "It was a sport which they all +enjoyed, one that was delightful to the old and to the +young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. +Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, he +had never yet met any man with the hardihood to deny +that racing was at once the noblest and the most legitimate" +(loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that set +all the glasses dancing), "not only was it the noblest +and most legitimate, but it was the most profitable; +and where was the man of high and honourable principle +who did not feel when breathing the pure atmosphere +of that Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought, +that though he might have left those who were near +and dear to him in a less genial atmosphere, still he was +not selfishly enjoying himself, without a thought for +their welfare; for racing, while it brought health and +vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to +the mind of a parent—the means of promoting the +happiness and prosperity of his family—(immense +cheers). With these few observations he should simply +propose 'The Turf,' and may we long be above it"—(applause +and, on the motion of Mr. Spring, three cheers +for Mrs. Badchild and all the little Badchildren were +called for and given). When the noise had subsided. +Mr. Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid whispers +and inquiries as to who he was. "Gentlemen," said he, +with an indignant stare, and a thump on the table, +"Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen from +our worthy chairman, I go-in-sides, save in what he +says about racing—I insists that 'unting is the sport of +sports" (immense laughter, and cries of "wot an old +fool!") "Gentlemen may laugh, but I say it's a fact, +and though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancy +whatsomever, yet I should despise myself most confoundedly—should +consider myself unworthy of the +great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour +to belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for +the chase (laughter).—I say, it's one of the balances of +the constitution (laughter).—I say, it's the sport of +kings! the image of war without its guilt (hisses and +immense laughter). He would fearlessly propose a +bumper toast—he would give them 'fox-hunting.'" +There was some demur about drinking it, but on the +interposition of Sam Spring, who assured the company +that Jorrocks was one of the right sort, and with an +addition proposed by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the +toast more comprehensible, they swallowed it, and the +chairman followed it up with "The Sod",—which was +drunk with great applause. Mr. Cox of Blue Hammerton +returned thanks. "He considered cock-fighting the +finest of all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the +rush between two prime grey-hackles—that was his +colour. The chairman had said a vast for racing, and +to cut the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting +combined all the advantages of making money, +with the additional benefit of not being interfered with +by the weather. He begged to return his best thanks +for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he had +not been taught speaking in his youth, or he would +certainly have convinced them all, that 'cocking' was +the sport." "Coursing" was the next toast—for which +Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. "He was +very fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought, after racing, +coursing was the true thing. He was no orator, and so +he drank off his wine to the health of the company." +"Steeplechasing" followed, for which Mr. Coalman of +St. Albans returned thanks, assuring the company that +it answered his purpose remarkably well. Then the Vice +gave the "Chair," and the Chair gave the "Vice"; and +by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the game of +"Chicken-hazard," observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, +that perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock +purse for the purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. +Jorrocks, with great gravity, replied; "Sir, I'm d——d +if I do."</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="VI" id="VI"></a> +<h3>VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM:<br> +THE CHELTENHAM DANDY</h3> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks had been very poorly indeed of indigestion, +as he calls it, produced by tucking in too much +roast beef and plum pudding at Christmas, and prolonging +the period of his festivities a little beyond the +season allowed by Moore's <i>Almanack</i>, and having in +vain applied the usual remedies prescribed on such +occasions, he at length consented to try the Cheltenham +waters, though altogether opposed to the element, +he not having "astonished his stomach," as he says, +for the last fifteen years with a glass of water.</p> + +<p>Having established himself and the Yorkshireman in +a small private lodging in High Street, consisting of +two bedrooms and a sitting-room, he commenced his +visits to the royal spa, and after a few good drenches, +picked up so rapidly, that to whatever inn they went +to dine, the landlords and waiters were astounded at +the consumption of prog, and in a very short time he +was known from the "Royal Hotel" down to Hurlston's +Commercial Inn, as the great London Cormorant. At +first, however, he was extremely depressed in spirits, +and did nothing the whole day after his arrival, but +talk about the arrangement of his temporal affairs; +and the first symptom he gave of returning health was +one day at dinner at the "Plough," by astonishing two +or three scarlet-coated swells, who as usual were disporting +themselves in the coffee-room, by bellowing to +the waiter for some Talli-ho "sarce" to his fish. Before +this he had never once spoken of his favourite diversion, +and the sportsmen cantered by the window to cover +in the morning, and back in the afternoon, without +eliciting a single observation from him. The morning +after this change for the better, he addressed his companion +at breakfast as follows: "Blow me tight, Mr. +York, if I arn't regularly renowated. I'm as fresh as +an old hat after a shower of rain. I really thinks I shall +get over this terrible illness, for I dreamt of 'unting +last night, and, if you've a mind, we'll go and see my +Lord Segrave's reynard dog, and then start from this +'ere corrupt place, for, you see, it's nothing but a town, +and what's the use of sticking oneself in a little pokey +lodging like this 'ere, where there really is not room to +swing a cat, and paying the deuce knows how much tin, +too, when one has a splendid house in Great Coram +Street going on all the time, with a rigler establishment +of servants and all that sort of thing. Now, you knows, +I doesn't grudge a wisit to Margate, though that's a +town too, but then, you see, one has the sea to look at, +whereas here, it's nothing but a long street with shops, +not so good as those in Red Lion Street, with a few +small streets branching off from it, and as to the prommenard, +as they calls it, aside the spa, with its trees +and garden stuff, why, I'm sure, to my mind, the +Clarence Gardens up by the Regent's Park, are quite +as fine. It's true the doctor says I must remain another +fortnight to perfect the cure, but then them 'ere M.D.'s, +or whatever you calls them, are such rum jockeys, and +I always thinks they say one word for the patient and +two for themselves. Now, my chap said, I must only +take half a bottle o' black strap a day at the werry +most, whereas I have never had less than a whole one—his +half first, as I say, and my own after—and because +I tells him I take a pint, he flatters himself his +treatment is capital, and that he is a wonderful M.D.; +but as a man can't be better than well, I think we'll +just see what there's to be seen in the neighbourhood, +and then cut our sticks, and, as I said before, I should +like werry much to see my Lord Segrave's hounds, in +order that I may judge whether there is anything in +the wide world to be compared to the Surrey, for if I +remember right, Mr. Nimrod described them as werry, +werry fine, indeed."</p> + +<p>Having formed this resolution, Jorrocks stamped on +the floor (for the bell was broken) for the little boy who +did the odd jobs of the house, to bring up his Hessian +boots, into which having thrust his great calves, and +replaced the old brown great-coat which he uses for a +dressing-gown by a superfine Saxony blue, with metal +buttons and pockets outside, he pulled his wig straight, +stuck his white hat with the green flaps knowingly on +his head, and sallied forth for execution as stout a man +as ever. Knowing that the kennel is near the Winchcourt +road, they proceeded in that direction, but after +walking about a mile, came upon a groom on a chestnut +horse, who, returning from the chase, was wetting his +whistle at the appropriate sign of the "Fox and Hounds," +and who informed them that they had passed the turning +for the kennel, but that the hounds were out, and +then in a wood which he pointed out on the hillside +about two miles off, into which they had just brought +their fox. Looking in that direction, they presently +saw the summit of one of the highest of the range of +hills that encircle the town of Cheltenham, covered with +horsemen and pedestrians, who kept moving backwards +and forwards on the "mountain's brow," looking in the +distance more like a flock of sheep than anything else. +Jorrocks, being all right again and up to anything, proposed +a start to the wood, and though he thought they +should hardly reach it before the hounds either killed +their fox or he broke away again, they agreed to take +the chance, and away they went, "best leg first" as the +saying is. The cover (Queen Wood by name, and, as +Jorrocks found out from somebody, the property of +Lord Ellenborough) being much larger than it at first +appeared and the fox but a bad one, they were in lots +of time, and having toiled to the top of the wood, +Jorrocks swaggered in among the horsemen with all +the importance of an alderman. For full an hour after +they got there the hounds kept running in cover, the +fox being repeatedly viewed and the pack continually +pressing him. Once or twice he came out, but after +skirting the cover's edge a few yards turned in again. +Indeed, there were two foxes on foot, one being a three-legged +one, and it was extraordinary how he went and +stood before hounds, going apparently very cautiously +and stopping every now and then to listen. At last a +thundering old grey-backed fellow went away before +the whole field, making for the steep declivities that +lead into the downs, and though the brow of the hill +was covered with foot-people who holloa'd and shouted +enough to turn a lion, he would make his point, and only +altering his course so as to avoid running right among +the mob, he gained the summit of the hill and disappeared. +This hill, being uncommonly steep, was a +breather for hounds that had been running so long as +they had, in a thick cover too, and neither they nor +the horses went at it with any great dash. The fox was +not a fellow to be caught very easily, and nothing but +a good start could have given them any chance, but +the hounds never got well settled to the scent, and +after a fruitless cast his lordship gave it up, and Jorrocks +and Co. trudged back to Cheltenham, J—— highly delighted +at so favourable an opportunity of seeing the +hounds. Indeed, so pleased was he with the turn-out +and the whole thing, that finding from Skinner, one of +the whippers-in, that they met on the following morning +at Purge Down-turnpike, in their best country, +forgetting all about his indigestion and the royal spa, +he went to Newman and Longridge, the horse dealers +and livery stable keepers and engaged a couple of nags +"to look at the hounds upon," as he impressed upon +their minds, which he ordered to be ready at nine o'clock.</p> + +<p>This day he proposed to give the landlord of the +"George Inn," in the High Street, the benefit of his +rapacious appetite, and about five o'clock (his latest +London hour) they sat down to dinner. The "George" +is neither exactly a swell house like the "Royal Hotel" +or the "Plough," nor yet a commercial one, but something +betwixt and between. The coffee-room is very +small, consequently all the frequenters are drawn together, +and if a conversation is started a man must be +deuced unsociable that does not join in the cry.</p> + +<p>As three or four were sitting round the fire chatting +over their tipple, and Jorrocks was telling some of his +best bouncers, the door opened and a waiter bowed a +fresh animal into the cage, who, after eyeing the party, +took off his hat and forthwith proceeded to pull off +divers neckcloths, cloaks, great-coats, muffitees, until +he reduced himself to about half the size he was on +entering. He was a little square-built old man, with +white hair and plenty of it, a long stupid red face with +little pig eyes, a very long awkward body, and very +short legs. He was dressed in a blue coat, buff waistcoat, +a sort of baggy grey or thunder-and-lightning +trousers, over which he had buttoned a pair of long +black gaiters. Having "peeled," he rubbed his hands +and blew upon them, as much as to say, "Now, gentlemen, +won't you let me have a smell of the fire?" and, +accordingly, by a sort of military revolution, they +made a place for him right in the centre.</p> + +<p>"Coldish night I reckon, sir," said Jorrocks, looking +him over.</p> + +<p>"Very cold indeed, very cold indeed," answered he, +rubbing his elbows against his ribs, and stamping with +his feet. "I've just got off the top of the Liverpool +coach, and, I can assure you, it's very cold riding outside +a coach all day long—however, I always say that +it's better than being inside, though, indeed, it's very +little that I trouble coaches at all in the course of the +year—generally travel in my own carriage, only my +family have it with them in Bristol now, where I'm +going to join them; but I'm well used to the elements, +hunting, shooting, and fishing, as I do constantly."</p> + +<p>This later announcement made Jorrocks rouse up, +and finding himself in the company of a sportsman and +one, too, who travelled in his own carriage, he assumed +a different tone and commenced on a fresh tack—"and +pray, may I make bold to inquire what country you +hunts in, sir?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Oh! I live in Cheshire—Mainwaring's country, but +Melton's the place I chiefly hunt at,—know all the +fellows there; rare set of dogs, to be sure,—only country +worth hunting in, to my mind."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Rigler swells, though, the chaps, arn't they? +Recollect one swell of a fellow coming with his upper +lip all over fur into our country, thinking to astonish +our weak minds, but I reckon we told him out.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. What! you hunt, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. A few—you've perhaps heard tell of the +Surrey 'unt?</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Cocktail affair, isn't it?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. No such thing, I assure you. Cocktail indeed! +I likes that.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Well, but it's not what we calls a fast-coach.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. I doesn't know wot you calls a fast-coach, +but if you've a mind to make a match, I'll bet you a +hat, ay, or half a dozen hats, that I'll find a fellow to +take the conceit out o' any your Meltonians.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Oh! I don't doubt but you have some good +men among you; I'm sure I didn't mean anything +offensive, by asking if it was a cocktail affair, but we +Meltonians certainly have a trick, I must confess, of +running every other country down; come, sir, I'll drink +the Surrey hunt with all my heart, said he, swigging +off the remains of a glass of brandy-and-water which +the waiter had brought him shortly after entering.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Thank you, sir, kindly. Waiter, bring me +a bottom o' brandy, cold, without—and don't stint for +quantity, if you please. Doesn't you think these inns +werry expensive places, sir? I doesn't mean this in +particular, but inns in general.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Oh! I don't know, sir. We must expect to +pay. "Live and let live," is my motto. I always pay +my inn bills without looking them over. Just cast my +eyes at the bottom to see the amount, then call for pen +and ink, add so much for waiter, so much for chambermaid, +so much for boots, and if I'm travelling in my +own carriage so much for the ostler for greasing. That's +the way I do business, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Well, sir, a werry pleasant plan too, +especially for the innkeeper—and all werry right for +a gentleman of fortune like you. My motto, however, +is "Waste not, want not," and my wife's father's motto +was "Wilful waste brings woeful want," and I likes to +have my money's worth.—Now, said he, pulling out a +handful of bills, at some places that I go to they charges +me six shillings a day for my dinner, and when I was +ill and couldn't digest nothing but the lightest and +plainest of breakfasts, when a fork breakfast in fact +would have made a stiff 'un of me, and my muffin mill +was almost stopped, they charged me two shillings for +one cake, and sixpence for two eggs.—Now I'm in the +tea trade myself, you must know, and I contend that +as things go, or at least as things went before the Barbarian +eye, as they call Napier, kicked up a row with +the Hong merchants, it's altogether a shameful imposition, +and I wonder people put up with it.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Oh, sir, I don't know. I think that it is +the charge all over the country. Besides, it doesn't do +to look too closely at these things, and you must allow +something for keeping up the coffee-room, you know—fire, +candles, and so on.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. But blow me tight, you surely don't want +a candle to breakfast by? However, I contends that +innkeepers are great fools for making these sort of +charges, for it makes people get out of their houses as +quick as ever they can, whereas they might be inclined +to stay if they could get things moderate.—For my +part I likes a coffee-room, but having been used to +commercial houses when I travelled, I knows what the +charges ought to be. Now, this room is snug enough +though small, and won't require no great keeping up.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. No—but this room is smaller than the +generality of them, you know. They frequently have +two fires in them, besides no end of oil burning.—I +know the expense of these things, for I have a very +large house in the country, and rely upon it, innkeepers +have not such immense profits as many people imagines—but, +as I said before, "live and let live."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. So says I, "live and let live"—but wot I +complains of is, that some innkeepers charge so much +that they won't let people live. No man is fonder of +eating than myself, but I don't like to pay by the +mouthful, or yet to drink tea at so much a thimbleful. By +the way, Sar, if you are not previously engaged, I should +be werry happy to supply you with red Mocho or best +Twankay at a very reasonable figure indeed for cash?</p> + +<p><i>Stranger.</i> Thank you, sir, thank you. Those are things +I never interfere with—leave all these things to my +people. My housekeeper sends me in her book every +quarter day, with an account of what she pays. I just +look at the amount—add so much for wages, and write +a cheque—"live and let live!" say I. However, added +he, pulling out his watch, and ringing the bell for the +chambermaid, "I hate to get up very early, so I think +it is time to go to bed, and I wish you a very good night, +gentlemen all."</p> + +<p>Jorrocks gets up, advances half-way to the door, +makes him one of his most obsequious bows, and +wishes him a werry good night. Having heard him tramp +upstairs and safely deposited in his bedroom, they +pulled their chairs together again, and making a smaller +circle round the fire, proceeded to canvass their departed +friend. Jorrocks began—"I say, wot a regular +swell the chap is—a Meltonian, too.—I wonders who +the deuce he is. Wish Mr. Nimrod was among us, he +could tell us all about him, I dare say. I'm blowed if +I didn't take him for a commercial gentleman at first, +until he spoke about his carriages. I likes to see gentlemen +of fortune making themselves sociable by coming +into the coffee-room, instead of sticking themselves up +in private sitting-rooms, as if nobody was good enough +for them. You know Melton, Mr. York; did you ever +see the gentleman out?"</p> + +<p>"I can't say that I ever did," said his friend, "but +people look so different in their red coats to what they +do in mufti, that there's no such thing as recognising +them unless you had a previous acquaintance with them. +The fields in Leicestershire are sometimes so large that +it requires a residence to get anything like a general +knowledge of the hunt, and, you know, Northamptonshire's +the country for my money, after Surrey, of +course."</p> + +<p>"I don't think he is a gentleman," observed a thin +sallow-complexioned young man, who, sitting on one +side of the fire, had watched the stranger very narrowly +without joining in the conversation. "He gives me more +the idea of a gentleman's servant, acting the part of +master, than anything else."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Oh! he is a gentleman, I'm sure—besides, +a servant wouldn't travel in a carriage you know, and +he talked about greasing the wheels and all that sort +of thing, which showed he was familiar with the thing.</p> + +<p>"That's very true," replied the youth—"but a servant +may travel in the rumble and pay for greasing +the wheels all the same, or perhaps have to grease them +himself."</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say he's a foolish purse-proud sort +of fellow," observed another, "who has come into money +unexpectedly, and who likes to be the cock of his party, +and show off a little."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> I'll be bound to say you're all wrong—you +are not fox-hunters, you see, or you would know that +that is a way the sportsmen have—we always make +ourselves at home and agreeable—have a word for +everybody in fact, and no reserve; besides, you see, +there was nothing gammonacious, as I calls it, about +his toggery, no round-cut coats with sporting buttons, +or coaches and four, or foxes for pins in his shirt.</p> + +<p>"I don't care for that," replied the sallow youth, +"dress him as you will, court suit, bag wig, and sword, +you'll make nothing better of him—he's a SNOB."</p> + +<p>Jorrocks, getting up, runs to the table on which the +hats were standing, saying, "I wonder if he's left his +castor behind him? I've always found a man's hat will +tell a good deal. This is yours, Mr. York, with the loop +to it, and here's mine—I always writes Golgotha in +mine, which being interpreted, you know, means the +place of a skull. These are yours, I presume, gentlemen?" +said he, taking up two others. "Confound him, +he's taken his tile with him—however, I'm quite positive +he's a gentleman—lay you a hat apiece all round he is, +if you like!"</p> + +<p>"But how are we to prove it?" inquired the youth.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Call in the waiter.</p> + +<p><i>Youth.</i> He may know nothing about him, and a +waiter's gentleman is always the man who pays him +most.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Trust the waiter for knowing something +about him, and if he doesn't, why, it's only to send a +purlite message upstairs, saying that two gentlemen in +the coffee-room have bet a trifle that he is some nobleman—Lord +Maryborough, for instance,—he's a little +chap—but we must make haste, or the gentleman will +be asleep.</p> + +<p>"Well, then, I'll take your bet of a hat," replied the +youth, "that he is not what I call a gentleman."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> I don't know what you calls a gentleman. +I'll lay you a hat, a guinea one, either white or black, +whichever you like, but none o' your dog hairs or +gossamers, mind—that he's a man of dibs, and doesn't +follow no trade or calling, and if that isn't a gentleman, +I don't know wot is. What say you, Mr. York?</p> + +<p>"Suppose we put it thus—You bet this gentleman a +hat that he's a Meltonian, which will comprise all the +rest."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Werry well put. Do you take me, sir? A +guinea hat against a guinea hat.</p> + +<p>"I do," said the youth.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Then DONE—now ring the bell for the +waiter—I'll pump him.</p> + +<p><i>Enter waiter.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Snuff them candles, if you please, and bring +me another bottom o' brandy-cold, without—and, +waiter! here, pray who is that gentleman that came in +by the Liverpool coach to-night? The little gentleman +in long black gaiters who sat in this chair, you know, +and had some brandy-and-water.</p> + +<p><i>Waiter.</i> I know who you mean, sir, quite well, the +gentleman who's gone to bed. Let me see, what's his +name? He keeps that large Hotel in—— Street, +Liverpool—what's the—Here an immense burst +of laughter drowned the remainder of the sentence.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks rose in a rage. "No! you double-distilled +blockhead," said he, "no such thing—you're thinking +of someone else. The gentleman hunts at Melton Mowbray, +and travels in his own carriage."</p> + +<p><i>Waiter</i>. I don't know nothing about Melton Mowbray, +sir, but the last time he came through here on his road +to Bristol, he was in one of his own rattle-trap yellows, +and had such a load—his wife, a nurse, and eight children +inside; himself, his son, and an apple-tree on the dickey—that +the horses knocked up half-way and...</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Say no more—say no more—d——n his teeth +and toe-nails—and that's swearing—a thing I never do +but on the most outrageous occasions. Confounded +humbug, I'll be upsides with him, however. Waiter, +bring the bill and no more brandy. Never was so done +in all my life—a gammonacious fellow! "There, sir, +there's your one pound one," said he, handing a sovereign +and a shilling to the winner of the hat. "Give me my +tile, and let's mizzle.—Waiter, I can't wait; must bring +the bill up to my lodgings in the morning if it isn't ready.—Come +away, come away—I shall never get over this +as long as ever I live. 'Live and let live,' indeed! no +wonder he stuck up for the innkeepers—a publican and +a sinner as he is. Good night, gentlemen, good night."</p> + +<p><i>Exit Jorrocks</i>.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="VII" id="VII"></a> +<h3>VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT +MARGATE</h3> + +<p>The shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, +and footmen in red plush breeches objects of real commiseration, +when Mr. Jorrocks, tired of the heat and +"ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved upon undertaking +an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is "his +custom always in the afternoon," in the arbour at the +farther end of his gravel walk, which he dignifies by +the name of "garden," and had just finished a rough +mental calculation, as to whether he could eat more +bread spread with jam or honey, when the idea of the +jaunt entered his imagination. Being a man of great +decision, he speedily winnowed the project over in his +mind, and producing a five-pound note from the fob +of his small clothes, passed it in review between his +fingers, rubbed out the creases, held it up to the light, +refolded and restored it to his fob. "Batsay," cried he, +"bring my castor—the white one as hangs next the +blue cloak;" and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, +white hat was transferred from the peg to +Mr. Jorrocks's head. This done, he proceeded to the +"Piazza," where he found the Yorkshireman exercising +himself up and down the spacious coffee-room, and, +grasping his hand with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith +began unburthening himself of the object of his +mission. "'Ow are you?" said he, shaking his arm like +the handle of a pump. "'Ow are you, I say?—I'm so +delighted to see you, ye carn't think—isn't this charming +weather! It makes me feel like a butterfly—really +think the 'air is sprouting under my vig." Here he took +off his wig and rubbed his hand over his bald head, as +though he were feeling for the shoots.</p> + +<p>"Now to business—Mrs. J—— is away at Tooting, +as you perhaps knows, and I'm all alone in Great Coram +Street, with the key of the cellar, larder, and all that +sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be off on +a jaunt—what say you?" "Not the slightest objection," +replied the Yorkshireman, "on the old principle of you +finding cash, and me finding company." "Why, now +I'll tell you, werry honestly, that I should greatly prefer +your paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a +mind to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a +five-pound note and whatever silver I have in my +pocket," pulling out a great handful as he spoke, and +counting up thirty-two and sixpence. "Very good," +replied the Yorkshireman when he had finished, "I'm +your man;—and not to be behindhand in point of +liberality, I've got threepence that I received in change +at the cigar divan just now, which I will add to the +common stock, so that we shall have six pounds twelve +and ninepence between us." "Between us!" exclaimed +Mr. Jorrocks, "now that's so like a Yorkshireman. I +declare you Northerns seem to think all the world are +asleep except yourselves;—howsomever, I von't quarrel +with you—you're a goodish sort of chap in your way, +and so long as I keep the swag, we carn't get far +wrong. Well, then, to-morrow at two we'll start for +Margate—the most delightful place in all the world, +where we will have a rare jollification, and can stay just +as long as the money holds out. So now good-bye—I'm +off home again to see about wittles for the woyage."</p> + +<p>It were almost superfluous to mention that the following +day was a Saturday—for no discreet citizen would +think of leaving town on any other. It dawned with +uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram Street +and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn with more +than their wonted energy. Never, save on a hunting +morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about in bed with +such restless anxiety as cock after cock took up the +crow in every gradation of noise from the shrill note +of the free street-scouring chanticleer before the door, +to the faint response of the cooped and prisoned victims +of the neighbouring poulterer's, their efforts being aided +by the flutterings and impertinent chirruping of swarms +of town-bred sparrows.</p> + +<p>At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's +door, and, depositing his can of shaving-water on his +dressing-table, took away his coat and waistcoat, under +pretence of brushing them, but in reality to feel if he +had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr. +Jorrocks threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded upon +the floor with a bump that shook his own and adjoining +houses. On this day a few extra minutes were devoted +to his toilet, one or two of which were expended +in adjusting a gold foxhead pin in a conspicuous part +of his white tie, and in drawing on a pair of new dark +blue stocking-net pantaloons, made so excessively tight, +that at starting, any of his Newmarket friends would +have laid three to two against his ever getting into +them at all. When on, however, they fully developed +the substantial proportions of his well-rounded limbs, +while his large tasselled Hessians showed that the bootmaker +had been instructed to make a pair for a "great +calf." A blue coat, with metal buttons, ample laps, and +pockets outside, with a handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, +formed his costume on this occasion. Breakfast +being over, he repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to +see his letters and look after his commercial affairs; in +which the reader not being interested, we will allow +the Yorkshireman to figure a little.</p> + +<p>About half-past one this enterprising young man +placed himself in Tommy Sly's wherry at the foot of +the Savoy stairs, and not agreeing in opinion with +Mr. Jorrocks that it is of "no use keeping a dog and +barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row himself +down to London Bridge. At the wharf below the +bridge there lay a magnificent steamer, painted pea-green +and white, with flags flying from her masts, and +the deck swarming with smart bonnets and bodices. Her +name was the <i>Royal Adelaide</i>, from which the sagacious +reader will infer that this excursion was made during +the late reign. The Yorkshireman and Tommy Sly having +wormed their way among the boats, were at length +brought up within one of the vessels, and after lying +on their oars a few seconds, they were attracted by, +"Now, sir, are you going to sleep there?" addressed to +a rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and on +looking up on deck what a sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's +astonished vision!—Mr. Jorrocks, with his +coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or turban, with a +broad gold band and tassel, on his head, hoisting a great +hamper out of the wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, +and treating the laughter and jeers of the porters and +bystanders with ineffable contempt. At length he placed +the load to his liking, and putting on his coat, adjusted +his hunting telescope, and advanced to the side, as the +Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder and came upon +deck. "Werry near being over late," said he, pulling +out his watch, just at which moment the last bell rang, +and a few strokes of the paddles sent the vessel away +from the quay. "A miss is as good as a mile," replied +the Yorkshireman; "but pray what have you got in +the hamper?"</p> + +<p>"In the 'amper! Why, wittles to be sure. You seem +to forget we are going a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea +hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, half a ham, beef, +sarsingers, chickens, sherry white, and all that sort of +thing, and werry acceptable they'll be by the time we +get to the Nore, or may be before."</p> + +<p>"Ease her! Stop her!" cried the captain through his +trumpet, just as the vessel was getting into her stride +in mid-stream, and, with true curiosity, the passengers +flocked to the side, to see who was coming, though +they could not possibly have examined half they had +on board. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behindhand +in inquisitiveness, and proceeded to adjust his telescope. +A wherry was seen rowing among the craft, containing +the boatman, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, +with a bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. +"By jingo, here's Jemmy Green!" exclaimed Mr. +Jorrocks, taking his telescope from his eye, and giving +his thigh a hearty slap. "How unkimmon lucky! The +werry man of all others I should most like to see. You +know James Green, don't you?" addressing the Yorkshireman—"young +James Green, junior, of Tooley +Street—everybody knows him—most agreeable young +man in Christendom—fine warbler—beautiful dancer—everything +that a young man should be."</p> + +<p>"How are you James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing him +by the hand as his friend stepped upon deck; but +whether it was the nervousness occasioned by the rocking +of the wherry, or the shaking of the step-ladder +up the side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's new turban +cap, but Mr. Green, with an old-maidish reserve, drew +back from the proffered embrace of his friend. "You +have the adwantage of me, sir," said he, fidgeting back +as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks with unmeasured +surprise—"Yet stay—if I'm not deceived it's Mr. +Jorrocks—so it is!" and thereupon they joined hands +most cordially, amid exclamations of, "'Ow are you, +J——?" '"Ow are you, G——?" "'Ow are you, J——?" +"So glad to see you, J——" "So glad to see you, G——" +"So glad to see you, J——" "And pray what may you +have in your basket?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting +his hand to the bottom of a neat little green-and-white +willow woman's basket, apparently for the purpose of +ascertaining its weight. "Only my clothes, and a little +prowision for the woyage. A baked pigeon, some cold +maccaroni, and a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom +are my Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor +in t'other; then comes the prog, and at the top, I've +a dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. I abominates +travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the use +of carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers always prowide +them, without extra charge? The same with regard +to soap. Shave, I say, with what you find in your tray. +A wet towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a pen-knife +both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll +present your friend to me," added he in the same breath, +with a glance at the Yorkshireman, upon whose arm +Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope hand. "Much +pleasure," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity. +"Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. +Green, Mr. Stubbs: now pray shake hands," added he, +"for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each other"; and +thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronising manner, +extended his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman, who +presented him with one in return. For the information +of such of our readers as may never have seen Mr. +James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley Street, +Southwark, where the patronymic name abounds, or +at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he generally exhibits on +a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that though a +little man in stature, he is a great man in mind and a +great swell in costume. On the present occasion, as +already stated, he had on a woolly white hat, his usual +pea-green coat, with a fine, false, four-frilled front to +his shirt, embroidered, plaited, and puckered, like a +lady's habit-shirt. Down the front were three or four +different sorts of studs, and a butterfly brooch, made of +various coloured glasses, sat in the centre. His cravat +was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, confining +gills sharp and pointed that looked up his nostrils; his +double-breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan +with blue glass post-boy buttons; and his trousers, which +were very wide and cut out over the foot of rusty-black +chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a broad blue stripe +upon a white ground. A curly, bushy, sandy-coloured +wig protruded from the sides of his woolly white hat, +and shaded a vacant countenance, which formed the +frontispiece of a great chuckle head. Sky-blue gloves and +a stout cane, with large tassels, completed the rigging +of this borough dandy. Altogether he was as fine as any +peacock, and as vain as the proudest.</p> + +<p>"And 'ow is Mrs. J——?" inquired Green with the +utmost affability—"I hopes she's uncommon well—pray, +is she of your party?" looking round. "Why, +no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "she's off at Tooting at her +mother's, and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five-pound +at Margate this delightful weather. 'Ow long do +you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday morning—I goes +every Saturday; in fact," added he in an undertone, +"I've a season ticket, so I may just as well use it, as +stay poking in Tooley Street with the old folks, who +really are so uncommon glumpy, that it's quite refreshing +to get away from them."</p> + +<p>"That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of +his benevolent looks. "But 'ow comes it, James, you +are not married? You are not a bouy now, and should +be looking out for a home of your own." "True, my +dear J——, true," replied Mr. Green; "and I'll tell +you wot, our principal book-keeper and I have made +many calculations on the subject, and being a man of +literature like yourself, he gave it as his opinion the +last time we talked the matter over, that it would only +be avoiding Silly and running into Crab-beds; which I +presume means Quod or the Bench. Unless he can have +a wife 'made to order,' he says he'll never wed. Besides, +the women are such a bothersome encroaching set. I +declare I'm so pestered with them that I don't know +vich vay to turn. They are always tormenting of me. +Only last week one sent me a specification of what she'd +marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to +more than I have to find myself in clothes, ball-and +concert-tickets, keep an 'oss, go to theatres, buy lozenges, +letter-paper, and everything else with. There were bumbazeens, +and challies, and merinos, and crape, and +gauze, and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, shoes, +boots, rigids, stays, ringlets; and, would you believe +it, she had the unspeakable audacity to include a bustle! +It was the most monstrous specification and proposal +I ever read, and I returned it by the twopenny post, +axing her if she hadn't forgotten to include a set of +false teeth. Still, I confess, I'm tired of Tooley Street. +I feel that I have a soul above hemp, and was intended +for a brighter sphere; but vot can one do, cooped up +at home without men of henergy for companions? No +prospect of improvement either; for I left our old gentleman +alarmingly well just now, pulling about the flax +and tow, as though his dinner depended upon his exertions. +I think if the women would let me alone, I might +have some chance, but it worries a man of sensibility and +refinement to have them always tormenting of one.—I've +no objection to be led, but, dash my buttons, I +von't be driven." "Certainly not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, +with great gravity, jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. +"It's an old saying, James, and times proves +it true, that you may take an 'oss to the water but you +carn't make him drink—and talking of 'osses, pray, +how are you off in that line?" "Oh, werry well—uncommon, +I may say—a thoroughbred, bang tail down to +the hocks, by Phantom, out of Baron Munchausen's dam—gave +a hatful of money for him at Tatts'.—five fives—a +deal of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I +assure you—bright bay with four black legs, and never +a white hair upon him. He's touched in the vind, but +that's nothing—I'm not a fox-hunter, you know, Mr. +Jorrocks; besides, I find the music he makes werry +useful in the streets, as a warning to the old happle +women to get out of the way. Pray, sir," turning to the +Yorkshireman with a jerk, "do you dance?"—as the +boat band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long +horn, and a short horn, struck up a quadrille,—and, +without waiting for a reply, our hero sidled past, and +glided among the crowd that covered the deck.</p> + +<p>"A fine young man, James," observed Mr. Jorrocks, +eyeing Jemmy as he elbowed his way down the boat—"fine +young man—wants a little of his father's +ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young +shoulders. He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr. Jorrocks, +putting his arm through the Yorkshireman's, "let's go +and see him foot it." Having worked their way down, +they at length got near the dancers, and mounting a +ballast box had a fine view of the quadrille. There were +eight or ten couple at work, and Jemmy had chosen a +fat, dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright orange-coloured +muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, and +green boots—a sort of walking sunflower, with whom +he was pointing his toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting +with great energy and agility. His male <i>vis-ą-vis</i> +was a waistcoatless young Daniel Lambert, in white +ducks, and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his +mouth, who with a damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and +fro in humble imitation. "Green for ever!" cried Mr. +Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving it encouragingly +over his head: "Green for ever! Go it Green!" +and, accordingly, Green went it with redoubled vigour. +"Wiggins for ever!" responded a female voice opposite, +"I say, Wiggins!" which was followed by a loud clapping +of hands, as the fat gentleman made an astonishing step. +Each had his admiring applauders, though Wiggins +"had the call" among the ladies—the opposition voice +that put him in nomination proceeding from the mother +of his partner, who, like her daughter, was a sort of +walking pattern book. The spirit of emulation lasted +throughout the quadrille, after which, sunflower in hand, +Green traversed the deck to receive the compliments +of the company.</p> + +<p>"You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks, with +great politeness to the lady, "after all your exertions," +as the latter stood mopping herself with a coarse linen +handkerchief—"pray, James, bring your partner to +our 'amper, and let me offer her some refreshment," +which was one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, +the sea breeze having made Mr. Jorrocks what he +called "unkimmon peckish." The hamper was speedily +opened, the knuckle of veal, the half ham, the aitch +bone of beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury +Lane), the chickens, and some dozen or two of plovers' +eggs were exhibited, while Green, with disinterested +generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold maccaroni +to the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily +commenced, and was kept up, with occasional interruptions +by Green running away to dance, until they hove +in sight of Herne Bay, which caused an interruption to +a very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks +was in the act of delivering, which went to prove that +port and sherry were the parents of all wines, port the +father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas, +hock, Burgundy, claret, Teneriffe, Madeira, were made +by the addition of water, vinegar, and a few chemical +ingredients, and that of all "humbugs," pale sherry was +the greatest, being neither more nor less than brown +sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to work to pack +up the leavings in the hamper, observing as he proceeded, +that wilful waste brought woeful want, and that +"waste not, want not," had ever been the motto of the +Jorrocks family.</p> + +<p>It was nearly eight o'clock ere the <i>Royal Adelaide</i> +touched the point of the far-famed Margate Jetty, a +fact that was announced as well by the usual bump, and +scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band striking +up <i>God save the King</i>, and the mate demanding the +tickets of the passengers. The sun had just dropped +beneath the horizon, and the gas-lights of the town +had been considerately lighted to show him to bed, for +the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light.</p> + +<p>Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having +arrived before, the whole place was in commotion, +and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious +to watch this last disembarkation as they had been +to see the first. By a salutary regulation of the sages +who watch over the interests of the town, "all manner +of persons," are prohibited from walking upon the jetty +during this ceremony, but the platform of which it is +composed being very low, those who stand on the beach +outside the rails, are just about on a right level to shoot +their impudence cleverly into the ears of the new-comers +who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, +laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of +wit and satire upon them as they pass. "There's leetle +Jemmy Green again!" exclaimed a nursery-maid with +two fat, ruddy children in her arms, "he's a beauty +without paint!" "Hallo, Jorrocks, my hearty! lend us +your hand," cried a brother member of the Surrey Hunt. +Then there was a pointing of fingers and cries of "That's +Jorrocks! that's Green!" "That's Green! that's Jorrocks!" +and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of +"There's Simpkins! how pretty he is!" "But there's +Wiggins, who's much nicer." "My eye, what a cauliflower +hat Mrs. Thompson's got!" "What a buck young +Snooks is!" "What gummy legs that girl in green has!" +"Miss Trotter's bustle's on crooked!" from the young +ladies at Miss Trimmer's seminary who were drawn up +to show the numerical strength of the academy, and +act the part of walking advertisements. These observations +were speedily drowned by the lusty lungs of a +flyman bellowing out, as Green passed, "Hallo! my +young brockley-sprout, are you here again?—now then +for the tizzy you owe me,—I have been waiting here +for it ever since last Monday morning." This salute +produced an irate look and a shake of his cane from +Green, with a mutter of something about "imperance," +and a wish that he had his big fighting foreman there +to thrash him. When they got to the gate at the end, +the tide of fashion became obstructed by the kissings +of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and +sons, the officiousness of porters, the cries of flymen, the +importunities of innkeepers, the cards of bathing-women, +the salutations of donkey drivers, the programmes +of librarians, and the rush and push of the +inquisitive; and the waters of "comers" and "stayers" +mingled in one common flood of indescribable confusion.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his +way with persevering resignation, here found himself +so beset with friends all anxious to wring his digits, that, +fearful of losing either his bed or his friends, he besought +Green to step on to the "White Hart" and see about +accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his fingers +through the bushy sides of his yellow wig, jerked up +his gills, and with a <i>négligé</i> air strutted up to that inn, +which, as all frequenters of Margate know, stands near +the landing-place, and commands a fine view of the +harbour. Mr. Creed, the landlord, was airing himself +at the door, or, as Shakespeare has it, "taking his ease +at his inn," and knowing Green of old to be a most unprofitable +customer, he did not trouble to move his +position farther than just to draw up one leg so as not +wholly to obstruct the passage, and looked at him as +much as to say "I prefer your room to your company." +"Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating Green's +question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling up +his gills—"that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks has +come down with myself and a friend, and we want +accommodation." "Mr. Jorrocks, indeed!" replied Mr. +Creed, altering his tone and manner; "I'm sure I shall +be delighted to receive Mr. Jorrocks—he's one of the +oldest customers I have—and one of the best—none +of your 'glass of water and toothpick' gentleman—real +downright, black-strap man, likes it hot and strong +from the wood—always pays like a gentleman—never +fights about three-pences, like some people I know," +looking at Jemmy. "Pray, what rooms may you require?" +"Vy, there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. +Jorrocks's other friend—three in all, and we shall want +three good, hairy bedrooms." "Well, I don't know," +replied Mr. Creed, laughing, "about their hairiness, but +I can rub them with bear's grease for you." Jemmy +pulled up his gills and was about to reply, when Mr. +Jorrocks's appearance interrupted the dialogue. Mr. +Creed advanced to receive him, blowing up his porters +for not having been down to carry up the hamper, which +he took himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protestations +of his delight at seeing his worthy visitor.</p> + +<p>Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those +that were there, those that were not, and those that +were coming, and adverted to the important topic of +supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white +spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian +boots, while Mr. Creed, with his own hands, rubbed +him over with a long billiard-table brush. Green, too, +put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, +and these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied +forth arm-in-arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. +It was a fine, balmy summer evening, the beetles and +moths still buzzed and flickered in the air, and the sea +rippled against the shingly shore, with a low indistinct +murmur that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of +men. The shades of night were drawing on—a slight +mist hung about the hills, and a silvery moon shed a +broad brilliant ray upon the quivering waters "of the +dark blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse +of the troubled town. How strange that man should +leave the quiet scenes of nature, to mix in myriads of +those they profess to quit cities to avoid! One turn to +the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew back +the party like moths to the streets, which were literally +swarming with the population. "Cheapside, at three +o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. Jorrocks observed, +was never fuller than Margate streets that evening. All +was lighted up—all brilliant and all gay—care seemed +banished from every countenance, and pretty faces +and smart gowns reigned in its stead. Mr. Jorrocks +met with friends and acquaintances at every turn, most +of whom asked "when he came?" and "when he was +going away?" Having perambulated the streets, the +sound of music attracted Jemmy Green's attention, and +our party turned into a long, crowded and brilliantly +lighted bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel-organ +at the far end faded away, and a young woman in a +hat and feathers, with a swan's-down muff and tippet, +was handed by a very smart young man in dirty white +Berlin gloves, and an equally soiled white waistcoat, +into a sort of orchestra above where, after the plaudits +of the company had subsided, she struck-up:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>At the conclusion of the song, and before the company +had time to disperse, the same smart young +gentleman,—having rehanded the young lady from the +orchestra and pocketed his gloves,—ran his fingers +through his hair, and announced from that eminence, +that the spirited proprietors of the Bazaar were then +going to offer for public competition in the enterprising +shape of a raffle, in tickets, at one shilling each, a most +magnificently genteel, rosewood, general perfume box +fitted up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, +adorned with cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, +massive, silver name-plate at the top, with a best patent +Bramah lock and six chaste and beautifully rich cut-glass +bottles, and a plate-glass mirror at the top—a +box so splendidly perfect, so beautifully unique, as alike +to defy the powers of praise and the critiques of the +envious; and thereupon he produced a flashy sort of +thing that might be worth three and sixpence, for which +he modestly required ten subscribers, at a shilling each, +adding, "that even with that number the proprietors +would incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but +a boundless sense of gratitude for favours past could +possibly recompense them." The youth's eloquence and +the glitter of the box reflecting, as it did at every turn, +the gas-lights both in its steel and glass, had the desired +effect—shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, +until only three remained. "Four, five, and ten, are the +only numbers now remaining," observed the youth, running +his eye up the list and wetting his pencil in his mouth. +"Four, five and ten! ten, four, five! five, four, ten! are +the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel +and magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red +velvet, cut-steel clasps, a silver plate for the name, best +patent Bramah lock, and six beautiful rich cut-glass +bottles, with a plate glass mirror in the lid—and only +four, five, and ten now vacant!" "I'll take ten," said +Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you, sir—only +four and five now wanting, ladies and gentlemen—pray, +be in time—pray, be in time! This is without exception +the most brilliant prize ever offered for public competition. +There were only two of these werry elegant boxes +made,—the unfortunate mechanic who executed them +being carried off by that terrible malady, the cholera +morbus,—and the other is now in the possession of his +most Christian Majesty the King of the French. Only +four and five wanting to commence throwing for this +really perfect specimen of human ingenuity—only four +and five!" "I'll take them," cried Green, throwing down +two shillings more—and then the table was cleared—the +dice box produced, and the crowd drew round. +"Number one!—who holds number one?" inquired the +keeper, arranging the paper, and sucking the end of +his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket and white +trousers owned the lot, and, accordingly, led off the +game. The lottery-keeper handed the box, and put in +the dice—rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, +and lift up—"seven and four are eleven"—"now again, +if you please, sir," putting the dice into the box—rattle, +rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up—a +loud laugh—"one and two make three"—the youth +bit his lips;—rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, +rattle, plop—a pause—and lift up—"threes!"—"six, +three, and eleven, are twenty." "Now who holds +number two?—what lady or gentleman holds number +two? Pray, step forward!" The Sunflower drew near—Green +looked confused—she fixed her eye upon him, +half in fear, half in entreaty—would he offer to throw +for her? No, by Jove, Green was not so green as all +that came to, and he let her shake herself. She threw +twenty-two, thereby putting an extinguisher on the boy, +and raising Jemmy's chance considerably. "Three" was +held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would +throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough +to be heard at Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and, +beginning to cry immediately, was taken home. Green +was next, and all eyes turned upon him, for he was a +noted hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, +and, turning back the wrists of his coat, exhibited +his beautiful sparkling paste shirt buttons, and the +elegant turn of his taper hand, the middle finger of +which was covered with massive rings. He took the +box in a <i>négligé</i> manner, and without condescending +to shake it, slid the dice out upon the table by a gentle +sideway motion—"sixes!" cried all, and down the +marker put twelve. At the second throw, he adopted +another mode. As soon as the dice were in, he just +chucked them up in the air like as many halfpence, +and down they came five and six—"eleven," said the +marker. With a look of triumph Green held the box +for the third time, which he just turned upside down, +and lo, on uncovering, there stood two—"ones!" A +loud laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm +so glad!" whispered a young lady, who had made an +unsuccessful "set" at Jemmy the previous season, in +a tone loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll lose," +rejoined a female friend, rather louder. "That Jemmy +Green is my absolute abhorrence," observed a third. +"'Orrible man, with his nasty vig," observed the mamma +of the first speaker—"shouldn't have my darter not at +no price." Green, however, headed the poll, having beat +the Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. For +number five, he threw twenty-five, and was immediately +outstripped, amid much laughter and clapping of hands +from the ladies, by number six, who in his turn fell a +prey to number seven. Between eight and nine there +was a very interesting contest who should be lowest, +and hopes and fears were at their altitude, when Jemmy +Green again turned back his coat-wrist to throw for +number ten. His confidence had forsaken him a little, +as indicated by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but +he managed to conceal it from all except the ladies, who +kept too scrutinising an eye upon him. His first throw +brought sixes, which raised his spirits amazingly; but +on their appearance a second time, he could scarcely +contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits of +his friend Mr. Jorrocks. Then came the deciding throw—every +eye was fixed on Jemmy, he shook the box, +turned it down, and lo! there came seven.</p> + +<p>"Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this +magnificent prize!" exclaimed the youth, holding up +the box in mid-air, and thereupon all the ladies crowded +round Green, some to congratulate him, others to compliment +him on his looks, while one or two of the least +knowing tried to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, however, +was too old a stager, and pocketed the box and +other compliments at the same time.</p> + +<p>Another grind of the organ, and another song followed +from the same young lady, during which operation +Green sent for the manager, and, after a little beating +about the bush, proposed singing a song or two, if he +would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three +shilling-tickets for each song, and finally closed for five +tickets for two songs, on the understanding that he was +to be announced as a distinguished amateur, who had +come forward by most particular desire.</p> + +<p>Accordingly the manager—a roundabout, red-faced, +consequential little cockney—mounted the rostrum, and +begged to announce to the company that that "celebrated +wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known as a +distinguished amateur and conwivialist, both at Bagnigge +Wells, and Vite Conduit House, LONDON, had +werry kindly consented, in order to promote the hilarity +of the evening, to favour the company with a song +immediately after the drawing of the next lottery," +and after a few high-flown compliments, which elicited +a laugh from those who were up to Jemmy's mode of +doing business, he concluded by offering a <i>papier-maché</i> +tea-caddy for public competition, in shilling +lots as before.</p> + +<p>As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the organ +a grind, and Jemmy popped up with a hop, step, and +a jump, with his woolly white hat under his arm, and +presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the company. +After a few preparatory "hems and haws," he +pulled up his gills and spoke as follows: "Ladies and +gentlemen! hem"—another pull at his gills—"ladies and +gentlemen—my walued friend, Mr. Kitey Graves, has +announced that I will entertain the company with a +song; though nothing, I assure you—hem—could be +farther from my idea—hem—when my excellent friend +asked me,"—"Hookey Walker!" exclaimed someone +who had heard Jemmy declare the same thing half a +dozen times—"and, indeed, ladies and gentlemen—hem—nothing +but the werry great regard I have for Mr. +Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since +he was the height of sixpennorth of coppers" a loud +laugh followed this allusion, seeing that eighteenpenny-worth +would almost measure out the speaker. On giving +another "hem," and again pulling up his gills, an old +Kentish farmer, in a brown coat and mahogany-coloured +tops, holloaed out, "I say, sir! I'm afear'd you'll be +catching cold!" "I 'opes not," replied Jemmy in a +fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella, and my werry +best coat on!" "No! raining, no!" replied the farmer, +"only you've pulled at your shirt so long that I think +you must be bare behind! Haw! haw! haw!" at which +all the males roared with laughter, and the females hid +their faces in their handkerchiefs, and tittered and +giggled, and tried to be shocked. "ORDER! ORDER!" +cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud and sonorous voice, which +had the effect of quelling the riot and drawing all eyes +upon himself. "Ladies and gentlemen," said he, taking +off his cap with great gravity, and extending his right +arm,</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Immodest words admit of no defence,</p> +<p>For want of decency is want of sense;</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have +the immediate effect of restoring order and making the +farmer look foolish. Encouraged by the voice of his +great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his +speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the surprise +by which he had been taken by the request of his friend, +Kitey Graves, and an exhortation for the company to +make allowance for any deficiency of "woice," inasmuch +as how as labouring under "a wiolent 'orseness," for +which he had long been taking pectoral lozenges. He +then gave his gills another pull, felt if they were even, +and struck up:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Bid me discourse,"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock +would be perfect melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken a +conspicuous position, applauded long, loudly, and +warmly, at every pause—approbation the more +deserved and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy +gentleman suffers considerably from music, and only +knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "is <i>God save +the King</i>, and the other isn't."</p> + +<p>Having seen his protégé fairly under way, Mr. Jorrocks +gave him a hint that he would return to the "White +Hart," and have supper ready by the time he was done; +accordingly the Yorkshireman and he withdrew along +an avenue politely formed by the separation of the company, +who applauded as they passed.</p> + +<p>An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest +draft port, with the orthodox proportion of lemon, +cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had almost boiled itself +to perfection under the skilful superintendence of Mr. +Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been +handsomely decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled +bones, fried ham, poached eggs, when just as the clock +had finished striking eleven, the coffee-room door opened +with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green with his hands +crammed full of packages, and his trousers' pockets +sticking out like a Dutch burgomaster's. "Vell, I've +done 'em brown to-night, I think," said he, depositing +his hat and half a dozen packages on the sideboard, and +running his fingers through his curls to make them +stand up. "I've won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn +when I came away, because it did not seem likely to +fill. Let me see," said he, emptying his pockets,—"there +is the beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you was +there; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I von +also; the third was a jockey-vip, which I did not want +and only stood one ticket for and lost; the fourth was +this elegant box, with a view of Margate on the lid; +then came these six sherry labels with silver rims; a +snuff-box with an inwisible mouse; a coral rattle with +silver bells; a silk yard measure in a walnut-shell; a +couple of West India beetles; a humming-bird in a +glass case, which I lost; and then these dozen bodkins +with silver eyes—so that altogether I have made a +pretty good night's work of it. Kitey Graves wasn't +in great force, so after I had sung <i>Bid me Discourse</i>, +and <i>I'd be a Butterfly</i>, I cut my stick and went to the +hopposition shop, where they used me much more +genteelly; giving me three tickets for a song, and introducing +me in more flattering terms to the company—don't +like being considered one of the nasty 'reglars,' +and they should make a point of explaining that one +isn't. Besides, what business had Kitey to say anything +about Bagnigge Vells? a hass!—Now, perhaps, you'll +favour me with some supper."</p> + +<p>"Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy +approvingly on the head—"you deserve some. It's only +no song, no supper, and you've been singing like a +nightingale;" thereupon they set to with vigorous determination.</p> + +<p>A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early +hour was crowded with men in dressing-gowns of every +shape, hue, and material, with buff slippers—the "regulation +Margate shoeing," both for men and women. As +the hour of eleven approached, and the church bells +began to ring, the town seemed to awaken suddenly +from a trance, and bonnets the most superb, and dresses +the most extravagant, poured forth from lodgings the +most miserable. Having shaved and dressed himself +with more than ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks +walked his friends off to church, assuring them that no +one need hope to prosper throughout the week who did +not attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own +devotion throughout the service by drowning the clerk's +voice with his responses. After this spiritual ablution +Mr. Jorrocks bethought himself of having a bodily one +in the sea; and the day being excessively hot, and the +tide about the proper mark, he pocketed a couple of +towels out of his bedroom and went away to bathe, +leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to amuse themselves +at the "White Hart."</p> + +<p>This house, as we have already stated, faces the +harbour, and is a corner one, running a considerable +way up the next street, with a side door communicating, +as well as the front one, with the coffee-room. This +room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inasmuch +as the windows range the whole length of the +room, and being very low they afford every facility +for the children and passers-by to inspect the interior. +Whether this is done to show the Turkey carpet, the +pea-green cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, +the gay trellised geranium-papered room, or the aristocratic +visitors who frequent it, is immaterial—the description +is as accurate as if George Robins had drawn +it himself. In this room then, as the Yorkshireman and +Green were lying dozing on three chairs apiece, each +having fallen asleep to avoid the trouble of talking to +the other, they were suddenly roused by loud yells and +hootings at the side door, and the bursting into the +coffee-room of what at first brush they thought must +be a bull. The Yorkshireman jumped up, rubbed his +eyes, and lo! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, puffing +like a stranded grampus, with a bunch of sea-weed +under his arm and the dress in which he had started, +with the exception of the dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, +the place of which were supplied by a flowing +white linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four +corners of which were knotted a few small pebbles—producing, +with the Hessian boots and one thing and +another, the most laughable figure imaginable. The +blood of the Jorrockses was up, however, and throwing +his hands in the air, he thus delivered himself. "Oh +gentlemen! gentlemen!—here's a lamentable occurrence—a +terrible disaster—oh dear! oh dear!—I never thought +I should come to this. You know, James Green," appealing +to Jemmy, "that I never was the man to raise a +blush on the cheek of modesty; I have always said that +'want of decency is want of sense,' and see how I am +rewarded! Oh dear! oh dear! that I should ever have +trusted my pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, +which was the work of a moment, was going forward, +the mob, which had been shut out at the side door on +Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room +window, and were all wedging their faces in to have a +sight of him. It was principally composed of children, +who kept up the most discordant yells, mingled with +shouts of "there's old cutty shirt!"—"who's got your +breeches, old cock?"—"make a scramble!"—"turn him +out for another hunt!"—"turn him again!"—until, +fearing for the respectability of his house, the landlord +persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to state +his grievances. It then appeared that having travelled +along the coast, as far as the first preventive stationhouse +on the Ramsgate side of Margate, the grocer +had thought it a convenient place for performing his +intended ablutions, and, accordingly, proceeded to do +what all people of either sex agree upon in such cases—namely +to divest himself of his garments; but before +he completed the ceremony, observing some females +on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man +"to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced +to the water's edge in his aforesaid unmentionables, and +forgetting that it was not yet high tide, he left them +there, when they were speedily covered, and the pockets +being full of silver and copper, of course they were +"swamped." After dabbling about in the water and +amusing himself with picking up sea-weed for about +ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on returning +to the spot where he thought he had left his stocking-net +pantaloons, to find that they had disappeared; and +after a long fruitless search, the unfortunate gentleman +was compelled to abandon the pursuit, and render himself +an object of chase to all the little boys and girls +who chose to follow him into Margate on his return +without them.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about +his loss, and could not get over it—it stuck in his +gizzard, he said—and there it seemed likely to remain. +In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers—he +never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan of +a pair of white cords and top-boots, or even drab shorts +and continuations. Mr. Creed was no sportsman, and +did not keep any. The bellman could not cry the lost +unmentionables because it was Sunday, and even if +they should be found on the ebbing of the tide, they +would take no end of time to dry. Mr. Jorrocks declared +his pleasure at an end, and forthwith began making +inquiries as to the best mode of getting home. The +coaches were all gone, steamboats there were none, +save for every place but London, and posting, he said, +was "cruelly expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, +"Boots," who is always the most intelligent man about +an inn, popped in his curly head, and informed Mr. +Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most commodious vessel, +neat, trim, and water-tight, manned by his own maternal +uncle, was going to cut away to London at three o'clock, +and would land him before he could say "Jack Robinson." +Mr. Jorrocks jumped at the offer, and forthwith +attiring himself in a pair of Mr. Creed's loose inexpressibles, +over which he drew his Hessian boots, he +tucked the hamper containing the knuckle of veal and +other etceteras under one arm, and the bunch of sea-weed +he had been busy collecting, instead of watching +his clothes, under the other, and, followed by his friends, +made direct for the vessel.</p> + +<p>Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy +is—it is a large sailing-boat, sometimes with one deck, +sometimes with none; and the Unity, trading in bulky +goods, was of the latter description, though there was +a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the master dignified +by the name of a "state cabin," into which he purposed +putting Mr. Jorrocks, if the weather should turn +cold before they arrived. The wind, however, he said, +was so favourable, and his cargo—"timber and fruit," +as he described it, that is to say, broomsticks and +potatoes—so light, that he warranted landing him at +Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, where he could either +sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to Leadenhall +Street. The vessel looked anything but tempting, +neither was the captain's appearance prepossessing, still +Mr. Jorrocks, all things considered, thought he would +chance it; and depositing his hamper and sea-weed, and +giving special instructions about having his pantaloons +cried in the morning—recounting that besides the silver, +and eighteen-pence in copper, there was a steel pencil-case +with "J.J." on the seal at the top, an anonymous +letter, and two keys—he took an affectionate leave of +his friends, and stepped on board, the vessel was shoved +off and stood out to sea.</p> + +<p>Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts +betimes, to take their farewell splash and dive in the +sea. As the day advanced, the bustle and confusion on +the shore and in the town increased, and everyone +seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits to +the bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted +the last ounce of exertion from the exhausted leg-weary +donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of the creation strutted +about, some in dressing-gowns, others, "full puff," with +bags and boxes under their arms—while sturdy porters +were wheeling barrows full of luggage to the jetty. The +bell-man went round dressed in a blue and red cloak, +with a gold hatband. Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, +dong, went the bell, and the gaping cockneys +congregated around. He commenced—"To be sould in +the market-place a quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "The <i>Royal Adelaide</i>, fast and +splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave +the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land +the passengers at London Bridge Steam-packet Wharf—fore +cabin fares and children four shillings—saloon five +shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The superb +and splendid steam-packet, the <i>Magnet</i>, will leave the +pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the +passengers at the St. Catherine Docks—fore-cabin fares +and children four shillings—saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost at the back of James +Street—a lady's black silk—black lace wale—whoever +has found the same, and will bring it to the cryer, shall +receive one shilling reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, +dong: "Lost, last night, between the jetty and the York +Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot, whoever +has found the same, and will bring him to the +cryer, shall receive a reward of half-a-crown." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost, stolen, or strayed, or +otherwise conveyed, a brown-and-white King Charles's +setter as answers to the name of Jacob Jones. Whoever +has found the same, or will give such information as +shall lead to the detection and conversion of the offender +or offenders shall be handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost below the prewentive sarvice +station by a gentleman of great respectability—a +pair of blue knit pantaloons, containing eighteen penny-worth +of copper—a steel pencil-case—a werry anonymous +letter, and two keys. Whoever will bring the same +to the cryer shall receive a reward.—<i>God save the King!"</i></p> + +<p>Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a concourse +appeared! There were fat and lean, and short +and tall, and middling, going away, and fat and lean, +and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them +off; Green, as usual, making himself conspicuous, and +canvassing everyone he could lay hold of for the <i>Magnet</i> +steamer. At the end of the jetty, on each side, lay the +<i>Royal Adelaide</i> and the <i>Magnet</i>, with as fierce a contest +for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both decks were +crowded with anxious faces—for the Monday's steamboat +race is as great an event as a Derby, and a cockney +would as lieve lay on an outside horse as patronise a +boat that was likely to let another pass her. Nay, so +high is the enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly +made on the occasion, and there is as much clamour for +bets as in the ring at Epsom or Newmarket. "Tomkins, +I'll lay you a dinner—for three—<i>Royal Adelaide</i> against +the <i>Magnet</i>," bawled Jenkins from the former boat. +"Done," cries Tomkins. "The <i>Magnet</i> for a bottle of +port," bawled out another. "A whitebait dinner for +two, the <i>Magnet</i> reaches Greenwich first." "What should +you know about the <i>Magnet</i>?" inquires the mate of +the <i>Royal Adelaide</i>. "Vy, I think I should know something +about nauticals too, for Lord St. Wincent was my +godfather." "I'll bet five shillings on the <i>Royal Adelaide."</i> +"I'll take you," says another. "I'll bet a bottom of +brandy on the <i>Magnet</i>," roars out the mate. "Two goes +of Hollands', the <i>Magnet's</i> off Herne Bay before the <i>Royal +Adelaide."</i> "I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five +shillings, the <i>Magnet</i> beats the <i>Royal Adelaide</i>," bellowed +out Green, who having come on board, had mounted +the paddle-box. "I say, Green, I'll lay you an even five +if you like." "Well, five pounds," cries Green. "No, +shillings," says his friend. "Never bet in shillings," +replies Green, pulling up his shirt collar. "I'll bet fifty +pounds," he adds,-getting valiant. "I'll bet a hundred +ponds—a thousand pounds—a million pounds—half the +National Debt, if you like."</p> + +<p>Precisely as the jetty clock finishes striking nine, the +ropes are slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to +sea with beautiful precision, amid the crying, the kissing +of hands, the raising of hats, the waving of handkerchiefs, +from those who are left for the week, while the +passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the respective +bands on board. The <i>Magnet</i>, having the outside, +gets the breeze first hand, but the <i>Royal Adelaide</i> +keeps well alongside, and both firemen being deeply +interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous +gallop, without either being able to claim the slightest +advantage for upwards of an hour and a half, when the +<i>Royal Adelaide</i> manages to shoot ahead for a few +minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. +The <i>Magnet's</i> fireman, however, is on the alert, and a +few extra pokes of the fire presently bring the boats +together again, in which state they continue, nose and +nose, until the stiller water of the side of the Thames +favours the <i>Magnet</i>, and she shoots ahead amid the +cheers and vociferations of her party, and is not neared +again during the voyage.</p> + +<p>This excitement over, the respective crews sink into +a sort of melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain +endeavours to kick up a quadrille. The men were exhausted +and the women dispirited, and altogether they +were a very different set of beings to what they were on +the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white ducks were +the order of the day.</p> + +<p>The only incident of the voyage was, that on approaching +the mouth of the Medway, the <i>Royal Adelaide</i> was +hailed by a vessel, and the Yorkshireman, on looking +overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. Jorrocks sitting +in the stern of his hoy in the identical position he had +taken up the previous day, with his bunch of sea-weed +under his elbow, and the remains of the knuckle of +veal, ham, and chicken, spread on the hamper before +him. "Stop her?" cried the Yorkshireman, and then +hailing Mr. Jorrocks he holloaed out, "In the name +of the prophet, Figs, what are you doing there?" +"Oh, gentlemen! gentlemen!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, +brightening up as he recognised the boat, "take compassion +on a most misfortunate indiwidual—here have +I been in this 'orrid 'oy, ever since three o'clock yesterday +afternoon and here I seem likely to end my days—for +blow me tight if I couldn't swim as fast as it +goes." "Look sharp, then," cried the mate of the +steamer, "and chuck us up your luggage." Up went +the sea-weed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks; and +before the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into which he +had composed himself on resigning the rudder to his +lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a mile +before his vessel, bilking him of his fare.</p> + +<p>Who does not recognise in this last disaster, the +truth of the old adage?</p> + +<blockquote><p> + "Most haste, least speed." +</p></blockquote> +<br><br> + + +<a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a> +<h3>VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH.</h3> + +<p>"Jorrocks's France, in three wolumes, would sound +werry well," observed our worthy citizen, one afternoon, +to his confidential companion the Yorkshireman, as +they sat in the veranda in Coram Street, eating red +currants and sipping cold whiskey punch; "and I thinks +I could make something of it. They tells me that at +the 'west end' the booksellers will give forty pounds +for anything that will run into three wolumes, and one +might soon pick up as much matter as would stretch +into that quantity."</p> + +<p>The above observation was introduced in a long conversation +between Mr. Jorrocks and his friend, relative +to an indignity that had been offered him by the rejection +by the editor of a sporting periodical of a long +treatise on eels, which, independently of the singularity +of diction, had become so attenuated in the handling, +as to have every appearance of filling three whole +numbers of the work; and Mr. Jorrocks had determined +to avenge the insult by turning author on his own +account. The Yorkshireman, ever ready for amusement, +cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks in his views, +and a bargain was soon struck between them, the main +stipulations of which were, that Mr. Jorrocks should +find cash, and the Yorkshireman should procure information.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock +Dover heavy drew up at the "Bricklayers' Arms," +with Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the Yorkshireman +imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly—soldiers, +sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, +and footmen—that compose the cargo of these coaches. +Here they were assailed with the usual persecution from +the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred merchants, +proclaiming the virtues of their wares; one with black-lead +pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation to +"cut 'em and try 'em"; another with a good pocket-knife, +"twelve blades and saw, sir"; a third, with a +tame squirrel and a piping bullfinch, that could whistle +<i>God save the King</i> and the <i>White Cockade</i>—to be given +for an old coat. "Buy a silver guard-chain for your +vatch, sir!" cried a dark eyed urchin, mounting the +fore-wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. Jorrocks's +face; "buy pocket-book, memorandum-book!" whined +another. "Keepsake—Forget-me-not—all the last year's +annuals at half-price!" "Sponge cheap, sponge! take +a piece, sir—take a piece." "Patent leather straps." +"Barcelona nuts. Slippers. <i>Morning Hurl (Herald).</i> +Rhubarb. 'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap!—do to +fasten your wife up with!"</p> + +<p>"Stand clear, ye warmints!" cries the coachman, +elbowing his way among them—and, remounting the +box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. Jorrocks's +hands, cries "All right behind? sit tight!" and off +they go.</p> + +<p>The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light +and gay. The coach, though slow, was clean and smart, +the harness bright and well-polished, while the sleek +brown horses poked their heads about at ease, without +the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, like his +vehicle, was heavy, and had he been set on all fours, a +party of six might have eat off his back. Thus they +proceeded at a good steady substantial sort of pace; +trotting on level ground, walking up hills, and dragging +down inclines. Nor among the whole party was there a +murmur of discontent at the pace. Most of the passengers +seemed careless which way they went, so long as they +did but move, and they rolled through the Garden of +England with the most stoical indifference. We know not +whether it has ever struck the reader, but the travellers +by Dover coaches are less captious about pace than +those on most others.</p> + +<p>And now let us fancy our friends up, and down, +Shooter's Hill, through Dartford, Northfleet, and Gravesend—at +which latter place, the first foreign symptom +appears, in words, "Poste aux Chevaux," on the door-post +of the inn; and let us imagine them bowling down +Rochester Hill at a somewhat amended pace, with the +old castle, by the river Medway, the towns of Chatham, +Strood and Rochester full before them, and the finely +wooded country extending round in pleasing variety of +hill and dale. As they reach the foot of the hill, the +guard commences a solo on his bugle, to give notice to +the innkeeper to have the coach dinner on the table. +All huddled together, inside and out, long passengers +and short ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along +the narrow street, sparking the mud from the newly-watered +streets on the shop windows and passengers +on each side, and pull up at the "Pig and Crossbow," +with a jerk and a dash as though they had been travelling +at the rate of twelve miles an hour. Two other coaches +are "dining," while some few passengers, whose "hour +is not yet come," sit patiently on the roof, or pace up +and down the street with short and hurried turns, +anxious to see the horses brought out that are to forward +them on their journey. And what a commotion +this new arrival creates! From the arched doorway of +the inn issue two chamber-maids, one in curls the other +in a cap; Boots, with both curls and a cap, and a ladder +in his hand; a knock-kneed waiter, with a dirty duster, +to count noses, while the neat landlady, in a spruce +black silk gown and clean white apron, stands smirking, +smiling, and rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling +the passengers into the house, where she will turn them +over to the waiters to take their chance the instant she +gets them in. About the door the usual idlers are +assembled.—A coachman out of place, a beggar out at +the elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three recruits +with ribbons in their hats; a captain with his boots +cut for corns, the coachman that is to drive to Dover, +a youth in a straw hat and a rowing shirt, the little +inquisitive old man of the place—who sees all the midday +coaches change horses, speculates on the passengers +and sees who the parcels are for—and, though last but +not least, Mr. Bangup, the "varmint" man, the height +of whose ambition is to be taken for a coachman. As +the coach pulled up, he was in the bar taking a glass +of cold sherry "without" and a cigar, which latter he +brings out lighted in his mouth, with his shaved white +hat stuck knowingly on one side, and the thumbs of +his brown hands thrust into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, +throwing back his single breasted fancy buttoned +green coat, and showing a cream coloured cravat, +fastened with a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with +a buff waistcoat and tight drab trousers buttoning over +the boot, complete his "toggery," as he would call it. +His whiskers are large and riotous in the extreme, while +his hair is clipped as close as a charity schoolboy's. The +coachman and he are on the best of terms, as the outward +twist of their elbows and jerks of the head on +meeting testify. His conversation is short and slangy, +accompanied with the correct nasal twang. After standing +and blowing a few puffs, during which time the +passengers have all alighted, and the coachman has got +through the thick of his business, he takes the cigar +out of his mouth, and, spitting on the flags, addresses +his friend with, "Y've got the old near-side leader back +from Joe, I see." "Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his +friend, "but I had some work first—our gov'rnor was +all for the change—at last, says I to our 'osskeeper, says +I, it arn't no use your harnessing that 'ere roan for me +any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not to +no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out +of my team not by none on them, therefore it arn't to +never no use harnessing of him again for me." "So you +did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup. "Lord bless ye, yes! it +warn't to no use aggravising about it, for says I, I von't +stand it, so it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of +him again for me." "Come, Smith, what are you chaffing +there about?" inquires the landlord, coming out with +the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, "have you two +insides?" "No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's +precious empty, haw! haw! haw!" "Well, but now get +Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry +the passengers away from my grub, and may be I'll +give you your dinner for your trouble," replies the +landlord, reckoning he would save both his meat and +his horses by the experiment. "Ay, there goes the +dinner!" added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was +heard inside the "Pig and Crossbow," giving a most +tremendous roar for his food.—"Pork at the top, and +pork at the bottom," the host observes to the waiter +in passing, "and mind, put the joints before the women—they +are slow carvers."</p> + +<p>While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our +travellers had been driven through the passage into a +little, dark, dingy room at the back of the house, with a +dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a whitewashed +blank wall. The table, which was covered with +a thrice-used cloth, was set out with lumps of bread, +knives, and two and three pronged forks laid alternately. +Altogether it was anything but inviting, but +coach passengers are very complacent; and on the +Dover road it matters little if they are not. The bustle +of preparation was soon over. Coats No. 1, No. 2, and +No. 3, are taken off in succession, for some people wear +top-coats to keep out the "heat"; chins are released +from their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and +fur caps thrust into pockets of the owners. Inside +passengers eye outside ones with suspicion, while a +deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the coach, +meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven +years, and can only shake hands and grin to the movements +of the lips of the speaker. "You find it very warm +inside, I should think, sir?" "Thank ye, thank ye, my +good friend; I'm rayther deaf, but I presume you're +inquiring after my wife and daughters—they are very +well, I thank ye." "Where will you sit at dinner?" +rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a more successful +hit. "It is two years since I saw him." "No; where will +you sit, sir? I said." "Oh, John? I beg your pardon—I'm +rayther deaf—he's in Jamaica with his regiment." +"Come, waiter, BRING DINNER!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, +at the top of his voice, being the identical shout that +was heard outside, and presently the two dishes of pork, +a couple of ducks, and a lump of half-raw, sadly mangled, +cold roast beef, with waxy potatoes and overgrown +cabbages, were scattered along the table. "What a +beastly dinner!" exclaims an inside dandy, in a sable-collared +frock-coat—"the whole place reeks with onions +and vulgarity. Waiter, bring me a silver fork!" "Allow +me to duck you, ma'am?" inquires an outside passenger, +in a facetious tone, of a female in a green silk cloak, as +he turns the duck over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, +but I've some pork coming." "Will you take some of +this thingumbob?" turning a questionable-looking pig's +countenance over in its pewter bed. "You are in considerable +danger, my friend—you are in considerable +danger," drawls forth the superfine insider to an outsider +opposite. "How's that?" inquires the former in +alarm. "Why, you are eating with your knife, and you +are in considerable danger of cutting your mouth".—What +is the matter at the far end of the table?—a lady +in russet brown, with a black velvet bonnet and a feather, +in convulsions. "She's choking by Jove! hit her on the +back—gently, gently—she's swallowed a fish-bone." "I'll +lay five to two she dies," cries Mr. Bolus, the sporting +doctor of Sittingbourne. She coughs—up comes a couple +of tooth-picks, she having drunk off a green glass of +them in mistake.</p> + +<p>"Now hark'e, waiter! there's the guard blowing his +horn, and we have scarcely had a bite apiece," cries +Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary sounded his instrument +most energetically in the passage; "blow me tight, +if I stir before the full half-hour's up, so he may blow +till he's black in the face." "Take some cheese, sir?" +inquires the waiter. "No, surely not, some more pork, +and then some tarts". "Sorry, sir, we have no tarts we +can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good." [Enter +coachman, peeled down to a more moderate-sized man.]</p> + +<p>"Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." "With all my +heart, my good friend." "Please to remember the coachman—driv +ye thirty miles." "Yes, but you'll recollect +how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-box there's +sixpence between us for you." "Oh, sur! I'm +sure I didn't mean no unpurliteness. I 'opes you'll +forget it; it was werry aggravising, certainly, but driv +ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle more, thirty +miles." "No, no, no more; so be off." "Please to remember +the coachman, ma'am, thirty miles!" "Leaves +ye here, sir, if you please; goes no further, sir; thirty +miles, ma'am; all the vay from Lunnun, sir."</p> + +<p>A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder +of the gathering to be made in dumb show, and having +exhausted his wind, the guard squeezed through the +door, and, with an extremely red face, assured the company +that "time was hup" and the "coach quite ready." +Then out came the purses, brown, green, and blue, with +the usual inquiry, "What's dinner, waiter?" "Two and +six, dinner, beer, three,—two and nine yours," replied +the knock-kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing a +blue-and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three +and six, ma'am;—two glasses of brandy-and-water, +four shillings, if you please sir—a bottle of real Devonshire +cider."—"You must change me a sovereign," +handing one out. "Certainly, sir," upon which the +waiter, giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of +the room. "Now, gentlemen and ladies! pray, come, +time's hup—carn't wait—must go"—roars the guard, +as the passengers shuffle themselves into their coats, +cloaks, and cravats, and Joe "Boots" runs up the +passage with the ladder for the lady. "Now, my dear +Mrs. Sprat, good-bye.—God bless you, and remember +me most kindly to your husband and dear little ones +—and pray, write soon," says an elderly lady, as she +hugs and kisses a youngish one at the door, who has +been staying with her for a week, during which time +they have quarrelled regularly every night. "Have you +all your things, dearest? three boxes, five parcels, an +umbrella, a parasol, the cage for Tommy's canary, and +the bundle in the red silk handkerchief—then good-bye, +my beloved, step up—and now, Mr. Guard, you know +where to set her down." "Good-bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, +all right, thank you," replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping +up the ladder, and adjusting herself in the gammon +board opposite the guard, the seat the last comer +generally gets.—"But stay! I've forgot my reticule—it's +on the drawers in the bedroom—stop, coachman! +I say, guard!" "Carn't wait, ma'am—time's hup"—and +just at this moment a two-horse coach is heard +stealing up the street, upon which the coachman calls +to the horse-keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, +and take care no one pays them twice over," gives a +whistling hiss to his leaders, the double thong to his +wheelers, and starts off at a trot, muttering something +about, "cuss'd pair-'oss coach,—convict-looking +passengers," observing confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, +as he turned the angle of the street, "that he would +rather be hung off a long stage, than die a natural +death on a short one," while the guard drowns the +voices of the lady who has left her reticule, and of +the gentleman who has got no change for his sovereign, +in a hearty puff of:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Rule Britannia,—Britannia rule the waves.</p> +<p>Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves!</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after +feeding, our party rolled steadily along, with occasional +gibes at those they met or passed, such as telling +waggoners their linch-pins were out; carters' mates, +there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road; making +urchins follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings +and mock parcels; or simple equestrians dismount in a +jiffy on telling them their horses' shoes were not all +on "before." <a id="footnotetag19" name="footnotetag19"></a><a href="#footnote19"><sup>19</sup></a> Towards the decline of the day, Dover +heights appeared in view, with the stately castle guarding +the Channel, which seen through the clear atmosphere +of an autumnal evening, with the French coast conspicuous +in the distance, had more the appearance of a +wide river than a branch of the sea.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote19" name="footnote19"></a><b>Footnote 19:</b><a href="#footnotetag19"> (return) </a> This is more of a hunting-field joke than a road one. "Have +I all my shoes on?" "They are not all on before."</blockquote> + +<p>The coachman mended his pace a little, as he bowled +along the gentle descents or rounded the base of some +lofty hill, and pulling up at Lydden took a glass of soda-water +and brandy, while four strapping greys, with +highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and hollyhocks +at their heads, were put to, to trot the last few miles +into Dover. Paying-time being near, the guard began +to do the amiable—hoped Mrs. Sprat had ridden comfortable; +and the coachman turned to the gentleman +whose sovereign was left behind to assure him he would +bring his change the next day, and was much comforted +by the assurance that he was on his way to Italy for +the winter. As the coach approached Charlton Gate, +the guard flourished his bugle and again struck up +<i>Rule Britannia</i>, which lasted the whole breadth of the +market-place, and length of Snargate Street, drawing +from Mr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet remained, +and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic +moth-impaler, to suspend the examination of the bowels +of a watch, as they rattled past his window.</p> + +<p>At the door of the "Ship Hotel" the canary-coloured +coach of Mr. Wright, the landlord, with four piebald +horses, was in waiting for him to take his evening drive, +and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat tiger in +a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed behind +to convey her a few miles on the London road. Of course +the equipages of such important personages could not +be expected to move for a common stage-coach, consequently +it pulled up a few yards from the door. It is +melancholy to think that so much spirit should have +gone unrewarded, or in other words, that Mr. Wright +should have gone wrong in his affairs.—Mrs. Ramsbottom +said she never understood the meaning of the +term, "The Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," +until she went to Rochester. Many people, we doubt +not, retain a lively recollection of the "bill of Wright's +of Dover." But to our travellers.</p> + +<p>"Now, sir! this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be +the coachman, and we goes no further," observed the +amphibious-looking coachman, in a pea-jacket and top-boots, +to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on the +box, as if he expected, that because they booked people +"through to Paris," at the coach office in London, that +the vehicle crossed the Channel and conveyed them on +the other side. At this intimation, Mr. Jorrocks clambered +down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and +captains of vessels soliciting his custom. "<i>Bonjour,</i> me +Lor'," said a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white +jersey shirt, taking off a red nightcap with +mock politeness, "you shall be cross." "What's that +about?" inquires Mr. Jorrocks—"cross! what does the +chap mean?" "Ten shillin', just, me Lor'," replied the +man. "Cross for ten shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, +"vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he hasn't picked +my pocket." "I—you—vill," said the sailor slowly, +using his fingers to enforce his meaning, "take to +France," pointing south, "for ten shillin' in my <i>bateau</i>, +me Lor," continued the sailor, with a grin of satisfaction +as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to comprehend him. +"Ah! I twig—you'll take me across the water." said +our citizen chuckling at the idea of understanding +French and being called a Lord—"for ten shillings—half-sovereign +in fact." "Don't go with him, sir," +interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; "he's got nothing +but a lousy lugger that will be all to-morrow in getting +over, if it ever gets at all; and the <i>Royal George</i>, superb +steamer, sails with a King's Messenger and dispatches +for all the foreign courts at half-past ten, and must be +across by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take +a card for the <i>Brocklebank</i>—quickest steamer out of +Dover—wind's made expressly to suit her, and she can +beat the <i>Royal George</i> like winking. Passengers never +sick in the most uproarious weather," cried another +tout, running the corner of his card into Mr. Jorrocks's +eye to engage his attention. Then came the captain of +the French mail-packet, who was dressed much like a +new policeman, with an embroidered collar to his coat, +and a broad red band round a forage cap which he raised +with great politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's +patronage of his high-pressure engine, "vich had beat +a balloon, and vod take him for half less than noting." +A crowd collected, in the centre of which stood Mr. +Jorrocks perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his +carpet-bag under his arm. "Gentlemen," said he, extending +his right hand, "you seem to me to be desperately +civil—your purliteness appears to know no +bounds—but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that +whoever will carry me across the herring pond cheapest +shall have my custom, so now begin and bid downwards." +"Nine shillings," said an Englishman directly—"eight" +replied a Frenchman—"seven and sixpence"—"seven +shillings"—"six and sixpence"—"six shillings"—"five +and sixpence"; at last it came down to five shillings, at +which there were two bidders, the French captain and +the tout of the <i>Royal George</i>,—and Mr. Jorrocks, like +a true born Briton, promised his patronage to the +latter, at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their +shoulders, and burst out a-laughing, one calling him, +"my Lor' Ros-bif," and the other "Monsieur God-dem," +as they walked off in search of other victims.</p> + +<p>None but the natives of Dover can tell what the +weather is, unless the wind comes directly off the sea, +and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to embark +after breakfast the next morning, that he ascertained +there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the heights +kept the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers were simmering +into action on the London-hotel side of the harbour, +in one of which—the <i>Royal George</i>—two britzkas and +a barouche were lashed ready for sea, while the custom-house +porters were trundling barrows full of luggage +under the personal superintendence of a little shock-headed +French commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a +gold-laced cap, and the other gentry of the same profession +from the different inns. As the <i>Royal George</i> lay +nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on +board without troubling himself to risk his shins among +the steps of a ladder that was considerately thrust into +the place of embarkation; and as soon as he set foot +upon deck, of course he was besieged by the usual +myriad of land sharks. First came Monsieur the Commissionnaire +with his book, out of which he enumerated +two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags, for each of +which he made a specific charge leaving his own gratuity +optional with his employer; then came Mr. Boots to +ask for something for showing them the way; after +him the porter of the inn for carrying their cloaks and +great-coats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to, +most philosophically, but when the interpreter of the +deaf and dumb ladder man demanded something for +the use of the ladder, his indignation got the better of +him and he exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all +on deck, "Surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he +has not enjoyed!"</p> + +<p>A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic—they +look at the medicine and wish it well over, and +look at the sea and wish themselves well over. Everything +looked bright and gay at Dover—the cliffs seemed +whiter than ever—the sailors had on clean trousers, +and the few people that appeared in the streets were +dressed in their Sunday best. The cart-horses were seen +feeding leisurely on the hills, and there was a placid +calmness about everything on shore, which the travellers +would fain have had extended to the sea. They came +slowly and solemnly upon deck, muffled up in cloaks +and coats, some with their passage money in their hands, +and took their places apparently with the full expectation +of being sick.</p> + +<p>The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of animation, +in the shape of a few vigorous puffs from the boiler, +which were responded to by the <i>Royal George</i>, whose +rope was slipped without the usual tinkle of the bell, +and she shot out to sea, closely followed by the Frenchman, +who was succeeded by the other English boat. +Three or four tremendous long protracted dives, each +followed by a majestic rise on the bosom of the waves, +denoted the crossing of the bar; and just as the creaking +of the cordage, the flapping of the sails, and the +nervous quivering of the paddles, as they lost their +hold of the water, were in full vigour, the mate crossed +the deck with a large white basin in his hand, the sight +of which turned the stomachs of half the passengers. +Who shall describe the misery that ensued? The groans +and moans of the sufferers, increasing every minute, as +the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, +while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick passengers +caught the green countenance and fixed eye of some +prostrate sufferer and were overcome themselves.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a +most substantial breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, +tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and fried ham, held out as +long as anybody—indeed, at one time the odds were +that he would not be sick at all; and he kept walking +up and down deck like a true British tar. In one of his +turns he was observed to make a full stop.—Immediately +before the boiler his eye caught a cadaverous-looking +countenance that rose between the top of a blue camlet +cloak, and the bottom of a green travelling-cap, with a +large patent-leather peak; he was certain that he knew +it, and, somehow or other, he thought, not favourably. +The passenger was in that happy mood just debating +whether he should hold out against sickness any longer, +or resign himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. +Jorrocks's eye encountered his, and the meeting did +not appear to contribute to his happiness. Mr. Jorrocks +paused and looked at him steadily for some seconds, +during which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over +his memory. "Sergeant Bumptious, by gum!" exclaimed +he, giving his thigh a hearty slap, as the deeply indented +pock-marks on the learned gentleman's face betrayed +his identity. "Sergeant," said he, going up to him, "I'm +werry 'appy to see ye—may be in the course of your +practice at Croydon you've heard that there are more +times than one to catch a thief." "Who are you?" inquired +the sergeant with a growl, just at which moment +the boat gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by +a donation to the fishes. "Who am I?" replied Mr. +Jorrocks, as soon as he was done, "I'll soon tell ye that—I'm +Mr. JORROCKS! Jorrocks wersus Cheatum, in fact—now +that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be +'appy to fight ye either by land or sea." "Oh-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant at the mention of the latter word, +and thereupon he put his head over the boat and paid +his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood eyeing him, +and when the sergeant recovered, he observed with +apparent mildness and compassion, "Now, my dear +sergeant, to show ye that I can return good for evil, +allow me to fatch you a nice 'ot mutton chop!" "Oh-h-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant, as though he would +die. "Or perhaps you'd prefer a cut of boiled beef +with yellow fat, and a dab of cabbage?" an alternative +which was too powerful for the worthy citizen himself—for, +like Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a +picture that his own imagination could not sustain—and, +in attempting to reach the side of the boat, he +cascaded over the sergeant, and they rolled over each +other, senseless and helpless upon deck.</p> + +<p>"Mew, mew," screamed the seagulls;—"creak, +creak," went the cordage;—"flop, flop," went the +sails; round went the white basins, and the steward +with the mop; and few passengers would have cared +to have gone overboard, when, at the end of three +hours' misery, the captain proclaimed that they were +running into still water off Boulogne. This intimation +was followed by the collection of the passage money +by the mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the steward, +under the noses of the party, for perquisites for the crew. +Jorrocks and the sergeant lay together like babes in +the wood until they were roused by this operation, +when, with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. +Jorrocks got up; and though he had an idea in his +own mind that a man had better live abroad all his +life than encounter such misery as he had undergone, +for the purpose of returning to England, he recollected +his intended work upon France, and began to make +his observations upon the town of Boulogne, towards +which the vessel was rapidly steaming. "Not half so +fine as Margate," said he; "the houses seem all afraid +of the sea, and turn their ends to it instead of fronting +it, except yon great white place, which I suppose is +the baths"; and, taking his hunting telescope out of +his pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make +an observation. "How the people are swarming down +to see us!" he exclaimed. "I see such a load of petticoats—glad +Mrs. J—— ain't with us; may have some +fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women! wot +ankles! beat the English, hollow—would give something +to be a single man!" While he made these remarks, the +boat ran up the harbour in good style, to the evident +gratification of the multitude who lined the pier from +end to end, and followed her in her passage. "Ease her! +stop her!" at last cried the captain, as she got opposite +a low wooden guard-house, midway down the port. A +few strokes of the paddles sent her up to the quay, some +ropes were run from each end of the guard-house down +to the boat, within which space no one was admitted +except about a dozen soldiers or custom-house officers—in +green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf "caps," +and having swords by their sides—and some thick-legged +fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings, to lower +the ladder for disembarkation. The idlers, that is to +say, all the inhabitants of Boulogne, range themselves +outside the ropes on foot, horseback, in carriages, or +anyhow, to take the chance of seeing someone they +know, to laugh at the melancholy looks of those who +have been sick, and to criticise the company, who are +turned into the guarded space like a flock of sheep +before them.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself +a hearty and congratulatory shake on again finding +himself on terra firma, and sticking his hat jauntily +on one side, as though he didn't know what sea-sickness +was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators +on one side of the ropes; when presently he was heard +to exclaim, "My vig, there's Thompson! He owes us +a hundred pounds, and has been doing these three +years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine looking +young fellow—with mustachios, in a hussar foraging +cap stuck on one side of his head, dressed in a black +velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a jeweller's shop +about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings and +buttons—who had brought a good-looking bay horse +to bear with his chest against the cords. "Thompson," +said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of voice, "how are +you?" "How do ye do, Mister Jorrocks," drawled out +the latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing +a cloud of smoke over the grocer's head. "Well, I'm +werry well, but I should like to have a few moments' +conversation with you." "Would ye?" said Thompson, +blowing another cloud. "Yes, I would; you remember +that 'ere little bill you got Simpkins to discount for you +one day when I was absent; we have had it by us a +long time now, and it is about time you were taking it +up." "You think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks; can't +you renew it? I'll give you a draft on Aldgate pump +for the amount." "Come, none of your funning with +me, I've had enough of your nonsense: give me my +pewter, or I'll have that horse from under you; for +though it has got the hair rubbed off its near knee, it +will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey occasionally." +"You old fool," said Thompson, "you forget +where you are; if I could pay you your little bill, do +you suppose I would be here? You can't squeeze blood +out of a turnip, can ye? But I'll tell you what, my +covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, you +shall give me the satisfaction of a gentleman, if you +don't take care what you are about, you old tinker. +By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow +morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight +through your carcass if you utter another syllable about +the bill. Why, now, you stare as Balaam did at his +ass, when he found it capable of holding an argument +with him!"</p> + +<p>And true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfounded at this +sort of reply from a creditor, it not being at all in accordance +with the <i>Lex mercatoria</i>, or law of merchants, and +quite unknown on 'Change. Before, however, he had +time to recover his surprise, all the passengers having +entered the roped area, one of the green-coated gentry +gave him a polite twist by the coat-tail, and with a +wave of the hand and bend of his body, beckoned him +to proceed with the crowd into the guard-house. After +passing an outer room, they entered the bureau by a +door in the middle of a wooden partition, where two +men were sitting with pens ready to enter the names of +the arrivers in ledgers.</p> + +<p>"Votre nom et designation?" said one of them to +Mr. Jorrocks—who, with a bad start, had managed to +squeeze in first—to which Mr. Jorrocks shook his head. +"Sare, what's your name, sare?" inquired the same +personage. "JORROCKS," was the answer, delivered with +great emphasis, and thereupon the secretary wrote +"Shorrock." "—Monsieur Shorrock," said he, looking +up, "votre profession, Monsieur? Vot you are, sare?" +"A grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter +from those behind who meant to sink the shop. "Marchand-Epicier," +wrote the bureau-keeper. "Quel age +avez-vous, Monsieur? How old you are, sare?" "Two +pound twelve," replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his +inquisitiveness. "No, sare, not vot monnay you have, +sare, hot old you are, sare." "Well, two pound twelve, +fifty-two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, +to take his chance among the touts and commissionaires +of the various hotels, who are enough to pull passengers +to pieces in their solicitations for custom. In Boulogne, +however, no man with money is ever short of friends; +and Thompson having given the hint to two or three +acquaintances as he rode up street, there were no end +of broken-down sportsmen, levanters, and gentlemen +who live on the interest of what they owe other people, +waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The greetings on their +parts were most cordial and enthusiastic, and even +some who were in his books did not hesitate to hail +him; the majority of the party, however, was composed +of those with whom he had at various tunes and places +enjoyed the sports of the field, but whom he had never +missed until they met at Boulogne.</p> + +<p>Their inquiries were business-like and familiar:—"are +ye, Jorrocks?" cried one, holding out both +hands. "How are ye, my lad of wax? Do you still play +billiards?—Give you nine, and play you for a Nap." +"Come to my house this evening, old boy, and take +a hand at whist for old acquaintance sake," urged the +friend on his left; "got some rare cogniac, and a box of +beautiful Havannahs." "No, Jorrocks,—dine with me," +said a third, "and play chicken-hazard." "Don't," said +a fourth, confidentially, "he'll fleece ye like fun". "Let +me put your name down to our Pigeon Club; only a +guinea entrance and a guinea subscription—nothing to +a rich man like you." "Have you any coin to lend on +unexceptionable personal security, with a power of killing +and selling your man if he don't pay?" inquired +another. "Are they going to abolish the law of arrest? +'twould be very convenient if they did." "Will you +discount me a bill at three months?" "Is B—— out of +the Bench yet?" "Who do they call Nodding Homer in +your hunt?" "Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen!" cried Mr. +Jorrocks, "go it gently, go it gently! Consider the day +is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want of +food. I've come all the way from Angle-tear, as we say +in France, and lost my breakfast on the wogaye. Where +is there an inn where I can recruit my famished frame? +What's this?" looking up at a sign, "'Done a boar in +a manger,' what does this mean?—where's my French +dictionary? I've heard that boar is very good to eat." +"Yes, but this boar is to drink," said a friend on the +right; "but you must not put up at a house of that +sort; come to the Hōtel d'Orleans, where all the best +fellows and men of consequence go, a celebrated house +in the days of the Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the +time, Mr. Jorrocks! we lived like fighting-cocks then; +you should have been among us, such a rollicking set +of dogs! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink +claret all night, and take an occasional by-day with +the hounds on a Sunday. Can't do that with the Surrey, +I guess. There's the Hōtel d'Orleans," pointing to it as +they turned the corner of the street; "splendid house +it is. I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose +so; but the sun of its greatness is fast setting—there's +no such shaking of elbows as there used to be—the IOU +system knocked that up. Still, you'll be very comfortable; +a bit of carpet by your bedside, curtains to your +windows, a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel every +third day, and as many friends to dine with you as ever +you like—no want of company in Boulogne, I assure +you. Here, Mr. W——," addressing the innkeeper who +appeared at the door, "this is the very celebrated Mr. +Jorrocks, of whom we have all heard so much,—take +him and use him as you would your own son; and, hark +ye (aside), don't forget I brought him."</p> + +<p>"Garsoon," said Jorrocks, after having composed +himself a little during which time he was also composing +a French speech from his dictionary and Madame +de Genlis's<a id="footnotetag20" name="footnotetag20"></a><a href="#footnote20"><sup>20</sup></a> <i>Manuel du Voyageur</i>, "A che hora [ora] +si pranza?" looking at the waiter, who seemed +astonished. "Oh, stop!" said he, looking again, "that's +Italian—I've got hold of the wrong column. A quelle +heure dine—hang me if I know how to call this chap—dine +[spelling it], t'on?" "What were you wishing +to say, sir?" inquired the waiter, interrupting his display +of the language. "Wot, do you speak English?" +asked Jorrocks in amazement. "I hope so, sir," replied +the man, "for I'm an Englishman." "Then, why the +devil did you not say so, you great lout, instead of +putting me into a sweat this 'ot day by speaking French +to you?" "Beg pardon, sir, thought you were a Frenchman." +"Did you, indeed?" said Jorrocks, delighted; +"then, by Jove, I do speak French! Somehow or other +I thought I could, as I came over. Bring me a thundering +beef-steak, and a pint of stout, directly!" The Hōtel +d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and plum-pudding +sort of house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily had an immense +stripe of tough beef and boiled potatoes placed before +him, in the well-windowed <i>salle ą manger</i>, and the day +being fine he regaled himself at a table at an open +window, whereby he saw the smart passers-by, and let +them view him in return.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote20" name="footnote20"></a><b>Footnote 20:</b><a href="#footnotetag20"> (return) </a> For the benefit of our "tarry-at-home" readers, we should +premise that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the +convenience of travellers who do not speak any language but +their own; and it consists of dialogues on different necessary +subjects, with French and Italian translations opposite the +English.</blockquote> + +<p>Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals +the best town in smartness. The shops are better set +out, the women are better dressed, and there is a +holiday brightness and air of pleasure on every countenance. +Then instead of seeing a sulky husband trudging +behind a pouting wife with a child in her arms, an infallible +sign of a Sunday evening in England, they trip +away to the rural <i>fźte champźtre</i>, where with dancing, +lemonade, and love, they pass away the night in temperate +if not innocent hilarity. "Happy people! that +once a week, at least, lay down their cares, and dance +and sing, and sport away the weights of grievance, +which bow down the spirit of other nations to the earth."</p> + +<p>The voyage, though short, commenced a new era in +Mr. Jorrocks's life, and he entirely forget all about +Sunday and Dover dullness the moment he set foot +on sprightly France, and he no more recollected it was +Sunday, than if such a day had ceased to exist in the +calendar. Having bolted his steak, he gave his Hessians +their usual flop with his handkerchief, combed his +whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth, +dictionary in hand, to translate the signs, admire the +clever little children talking French, quiz the horses, +and laugh at everything he didn't understand; to +spend his first afternoon, in short, as nine-tenths of +the English who go "abroad" are in the habit of doing.</p> + +<p>Early the next morning. Mr. Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman, +accompanied by the commissionnaire of the +Hōtel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper town, for the +purpose of obtaining passports, and as they ascended +the steep street called La grand Rue, which connects +the two towns, they held a consultation as to what the +former should be described. A "Marchand-Epicier" +would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no respect, but, then, he +objected to the word "Rentier." "What is the French +for fox-'unter?" said he, after a thoughtful pause, +turning to his dictionary. There was no such word. +"Sportsman, then? Ay, Chasseur! how would that +read? John Jorrocks, Esq., Chasseur,—not bad, I think," +said he. "That will do," replied the Yorkshireman, "but +you must sink the Esquire now, and tack 'Monsieur' +before your name, and a very pretty euphonious sound +'Monsieur Jorrocks' will have; and when you hear some +of the little Parisian grisettes lisp it out as you turn the +garters over on their counters, while they turn their +dark flashing eyes over upon you, it will be enough to +rejuvenate your old frame. But suppose we add to +'Chasseur'—'Member of the Surrey Hunt?'" "By all +means," replied Mr. Jorrocks, delighted at the idea, +and ascending the stairs of the Consulate three steps +at a time.</p> + +<p>The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance +sitting in state, with a gendarme at the door and his +secretary at his elbow. "<i>Bonjour,</i> Monsieur," said he, +bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty folding +door; to which our traveller replied, "The top of +the morning to you, sir," thinking something of that +sort would be right. The Consul, having scanned him +through his green spectacles, drew a large sheet of thin +printed paper from his portfolio, with the arms of France +placed under a great petticoat at the top, and proceeded +to fill up a request from his most Christian +Majesty to all the authorities, both civil and military, +of France, and also of all the allied "pays," "de laisser +librement passer" Monsieur John Jorrocks, Chasseur +and member of the Hont de Surrey, and plusieurs other +Honts; and also, Monsieur Stubbs, native of Angleterre, +going from Boulogne to Paris, and to give them aid and +protection, "en cas de besoin," all of which Mr. Jorrocks +—like many travellers before him—construed into a +most flattering compliment and mark of respect, from +his most Christian Majesty to himself.</p> + +<p>Under the word "signalement" in the margin, the +Consul also drew the following sketch of our hero, in +order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that the King of the +Mouncheers might know him when he saw him:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Age de 52 ans</p> +<p>Taille d'un mčtre 62 centimetres</p> +<p>Perruque brun</p> +<p>Front large</p> +<p>Yeux gris-sanguin</p> +<p>Nez moyen</p> +<p>Barbe grisātre</p> +<p>Vizage ronde</p> +<p>Teint rouge."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his signature, +who, observing the words "Signature du Porteur" +at the bottom, passed it on to the porter of the inn, +until put right by the Consul, who, on receiving his +fee, bowed him out with great politeness.</p> + +<p>Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the +horses and carts that he had seen stirring about the +streets, his amazement knew no bounds when the first +Paris diligence came rolling into town with six horses, +spreading over the streets as they swung about in all directions—covered +with bells, sheep-skins, worsted balls, and +foxes' brushes, driven by one solitary postilion on the +off wheeler. "My vig," cried he, "here's Wombwell's +wild-beast show! What the deuce are they doing in +France? I've not heard of them since last Bartlemy-fair, +when I took my brother Joe's children to see them feed. +But stop—this is full of men! My eyes, so it is! It's +what young Dutch Sam would call a male coach, because +there are no females about it. Well, I declare, I +am almost sorry I did not bring Mrs. J——. Wot would +they think to see such a concern in Cheapside? Why, it +holds half a township—a perfect willage on wheels. +My eyes, wot a curiosity! Well, I never thought to live +to see such a sight as this!—wish it was going our way +that I might have a ride in it. Hope ours will be as big." +Shortly after theirs did arrive, and Mr. Jorrocks was +like a perfect child with delight. It was not a male +coach, however, for in the different compartments were +five or six ladies. "Oh, wot elegant creatures," cried +he, eyeing them; "I could ride to Jerusalem with them +without being tired; wot a thing it is to be a bachelor!"</p> + +<p>The Conducteur—with the usual frogged, tagged, embroidered +jacket, and fur-bound cap—having hoisted +their luggage on high, the passengers who had turned +out of their respective compartments to stretch their +legs after their cramping from Calais, proceeded to +resume their places. There were only two seats vacant in +the interior, or, as Mr. Jorrocks called it, the "middle +house," consequently the Yorkshireman and he crossed +legs. The other four passengers had corner-seats, things +much coveted by French travellers. On Mr. Stubbs's +right sat an immense Englishman, enveloped in a dark +blue camlet cloak, fastened with bronze lionhead clasps, +a red neckcloth, and a shabby, napless, broad-brimmed, +brown hat. His face was large, round, and red, without +an atom of expression, and his little pig eyes twinkled +over a sort of a mark that denoted where his nose should +have been; in short, his head was more like a barber's +wig block than anything else, and his outline would +have formed a model of the dome of St. Paul's. On +the Yorkshireman's left was a chattering young red-trousered +dragoon, in a frock-coat and flat foraging cap +with a flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was more fortunate +than his friend, and rubbed sides with two women; one +was English, either an upper nursery-maid or an under +governess, but who might be safely trusted to travel +by herself. She was dressed in a black beaver bonnet +lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen pelisse with a blue +ribbon, and pea-green boots, and she carried a sort of +small fish-basket on her knee, with a "plain Christian's +prayer book" on the top. The other was French, +approaching to middle age, with a nice smart plump +figure, good hazel-coloured eyes, a beautiful foot and +ankle, and very well dressed. Indeed, her dress very +materially reduced the appearance of her age, and she +was what the milliners would call remarkably well +"got up." Her bonnet was a pink satin, with a white +blonde ruche surmounted by a rich blonde veil, with +a white rose placed elegantly on one side, and her glossy +auburn hair pressed down the sides of a milk-white +forehead, in the Madonna style.—Her pelisse was of +"violet-des-bois" figured silk, worn with a black velvet +pelerine and a handsomely embroidered collar. Her +boots were of a colour to match the pelisse; and a +massive gold chain round her neck, and a solitary pearl +ring on a middle finger, were all the jewellery she displayed. +Mr. Jorrocks caught a glimpse of her foot and +ankle as she mounted the steps to resume her place +in the diligence, and pushing the Yorkshireman aside, +he bundled in directly after her, and took up the place +we have described.</p> + +<p>The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous +roll enchanted the heart of the grocer. Independently +of the novelty, he was in a humour to be pleased, and +everything with him was <i>couleur de rose</i>. Not so the +Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who lounged in +the corner, muffled up in his cloak, muttering and cursing +at every jolt of the diligence, as it bumped across the +gutters and jolted along the streets of Boulogne. At +length having got off the pavement, after crushing along +at a trot through the soft road that immediately +succeeds, they reached the little hill near Mr. Gooseman's +farm, and the horses gradually relaxed into a +walk, when he burst forth with a tremendous oath, +swearing that he had "travelled three hundred thousand +miles, and never saw horses walk up such a bit of a +bank before." He looked round the diligence in the +expectation of someone joining him, but no one deigned +a reply, so, with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he +again threw himself into his corner. The dragoon and +the French lady then began narrating the histories of +their lives, as the French people always do, and Mr. +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each +other. At length Mr. Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary +and <i>Madame de Genlis</i> out of his pocket, observed, "I +quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we dine—most +important consideration, for I hold it unfair to +takes one's stomach by surprise, and a man should have +due notice, that he may tune his appetite accordingly. +I have always thought, that there's as much dexterity +required to bring an appetite to table in the full bloom +of perfection, as there is in training an 'oss to run on +a particular day.—Let me see," added he, turning over +the pages of <i>de Genlis</i>—"it will be under the head of +eating and drinking, I suppose.—Here it is—(opens and +reads)—'I have a good appetite—I am hungry—I am +werry hungry—I am almost starved'—that won't do—'I +have eaten enough'—that won't do either—'To +breakfast'—no.—But here it is, by Jingo—'Dialogue +before dinner'—capital book for us travellers, this Mrs. +de Genlis—(reads) 'Pray, take dinner with us to-day, I +shall give you plain fare.'—That means rough and +enough, I suppose," observed Mr. Jorrocks to the Yorkshireman.—"'What +time do we dine to-day? French: +A quelle heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui?—Italian: A +che hora (ora) si prancey (pranza) oggi?'" "Ah, Monsieur, +vous parlez Franēais ą merveille," said the French +lady, smiling with the greatest good nature upon him. +"A marble!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "wot does that mean?" +preparing to look it out in the dictionary. "Ah, Monsieur, +I shall you explain—you speak French like a +natif." "Indeed!" said Mr. Jorrocks, with a bow, "I +feel werry proud of your praise; and your English is +quite delightful.—By Jove," said he to the Yorkshireman, +with a most self-satisfied grin, "you were right +in what you told me about the gals calling me Monsieur.—I +declare she's driven right home to my 'art—transfixed +me at once, in fact."</p> + +<p>Everyone who has done a little "voyaging," as they +call it in France, knows that a few miles to the south of +Samer rises a very steep hill, across which the route +lies, and that diligence travellers are generally invited +to walk up it. A path which strikes off near the foot of +the hill, across the open, cuts off the angle, and—diligences +being anything but what the name would imply,—the +passengers, by availing themselves of the short +cut, have ample time for striking up confabs, and inquiring +into the comforts of the occupiers of the various +compartments. Our friends of the "interior" were all +busy jabbering and talking—some with their tongues, +others with their hands and tongues—with the exception +of the monster in the cloak, who sat like a sack in the +corner, until the horses, having reached the well-known +breathing place, made a dead halt, and the conducteur +proceeded to invite the party to descend and "promenade" +up the hill. "What's happened now?" cried +the monster, jumping up as the door opened; "surely, +they don't expect us to walk up this mountain! I've +travelled three hundred thousand miles, and was never +asked to do such a thing in all my life before. I won't +do it; I paid for riding, and ride I will. You are all a set +of infamous cheats," said he to the conducteur in good +plain English; but the conducteur, not understanding +the language, shut the door as soon as all the rest were +out, and let him roll on by himself. Jorrocks stuck to +his woman, who had a negro boy in the rotonde, dressed +in baggy slate-coloured trousers, with a green waistcoat +and a blue coat, with a coronet on the button, +who came to hand her out, and was addressed by the +heroic name of "Agamemnon." Jorrocks got a glimpse +of the button, but, not understanding foreign coronets, +thought it was a crest; nevertheless, he thought he might +as well inquire who his friend was, so, slinking back as +they reached the foot of the hill he got hold of the nigger, +and asked what they called his missis. Massa did not +understand, and Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled how to +explain, again had recourse to the <i>Manuel du Voyageur</i>; +but Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an +occurrence, and there was no dialogue adapted to his +situation. There was a conversation with a lacquey, +however, commencing with—"Are you disposed to enter +into my service?" and, in the hopes of hitting upon +something that would convey his wishes, he "hark'd +forward," and passing by—"Are you married?" arrived +at—"What is your wife's occupation?" "Que fait votre +femme?" said he, suiting the action to the word, and +pointing to Madame. Agamemnon showed his ivories, +as he laughed at the idea of Jorrocks calling his mistress +his wife, and by signs and words conveyed to him some +idea of the importance of the personage to whom he +alluded. This he did most completely, for before the +diligence came up, Jorrocks pulled the Yorkshireman +aside, and asked if he was aware that they were travelling +with a real live Countess; "Madame la Countess Benwolio, +the nigger informs me," said he; "a werry grande +femme, though what that means I don't know." "Oh, +Countesses are common enough here," replied the Yorkshireman. +"I dare say she's a stay-maker. I remember +a paint-maker who had a German Baron for a colour-grinder +once." "Oh," said Jorrocks, "you are jealous—you +always try to run down my friends; but that +won't do, I'm wide awake to your tricks"; so saying, +he shuffled off, and getting hold of the Countess, helped +Agamemnon to hoist her into the diligence. He was most +insinuating for the next two hours, and jabbered about +love and fox-hunting, admiring the fine, flat, open +country, and the absence of hedges and flints; but as +neither youth nor age can subsist on love alone, his +confounded appetite began to trouble him, and got +quite the better of him before they reached Abbeville. +Every mile seemed a league, and he had his head out +of the window at least twenty times before they came +in sight of the town. At length the diligence got its +slow length dragged not only to Abbeville, but to the +sign of the "Fidčle Berger"—or "Fiddle Burgur," as +Mr. Jorrocks pronounced it—where they were to dine. +The door being opened, out he jumped, and with his +<i>Manuel du Voyageur</i> in one hand, and the Countess +Benvolio in the other, he pushed his way through the +crowd of "pauvres misérables" congregated under the +gateway, who exhibited every species of disease and infirmity +that poor human nature is liable or heir to, and +entered the hotel. The "Sally manger," as he called it, +was a long brick-floored room on the basement, with a +white stove at one end, and the walls plentifully decorated +with a panoramic view of the Grand Nation +wallopping the Spaniards at the siege of Saragossa. +The diligence being a leetle behind time as usual, the +soup was on the table when they entered. The passengers +quickly ranged themselves round, and, with his mouth +watering as the female garēon lifted the cover from the +tureen, Mr. Jorrocks sat in the expectation of seeing +the rich contents ladled into the plates. His countenance +fell fifty per cent as the first spoonful passed before +his eyes.—"My vig, why it's water!" exclaimed he—"water, +I do declare, with worms<a id="footnotetag21" name="footnotetag21"></a><a href="#footnote21"><sup>21</sup></a> in it—I can't eat +such stuff as that—it's not man's meat—oh dear, oh +dear, I fear I've made a terrible mistake in coming to +France! Never saw such stuff as this at Bleaden's or +Birch's, or anywhere in the city." "I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles," said the fat man, sending his +plate from him in disgust, "and never tasted such a +mess as this before." "I'll show them up in <i>The Times</i>," +cried Mr. Jorrocks; "and, look, what stuff is here—beef +boiled to rags!—well, I never, no never, saw anything +like this before. Oh, I wish I was in Great Coram +Street again!—I'm sure I can't live here—I wonder if +I could get a return chaise—waiter—garsoon—cuss! Oh +dear! I see <i>Madame de Genlis</i> is of no use in a pinch—and +yet what a dialogue here is! Oh heavens! grant +your poor Jorrocks but one request, and that is the +contents of a single sentence. 'I want a roasted or boiled +leg of mutton, beef, hung beef, a quarter of mutton, +mutton chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue, dried tongue, +hog's pudding, white sausage, meat sausage, chicken +with rice, a nice fat roast fowl, roast chicken with cressy, +roast or boiled pigeon, a fricassee of chicken, sweet-bread, +goose, lamb, calf's cheek, calf's head, fresh pork, +salt pork, cold meat, hash.'—But where's the use of +titivating one's appetite with reading of such luxteries? +Oh, what a wife Madame de Genlis would have made +for me! Oh dear, oh dear, I shall die of hunger, I see +—I shall die of absolute famine—my stomach thinks +my throat's cut already!" In the height of his distress +in came two turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his +countenance shone forth like an April sun after a shower. +"Come, this is better," said he; "I'll trouble you, sir, +for a leg and a wing, and a bit of the breast, for I'm +really famished—oh hang! the fellow's a Frenchman, +and I shall lose half the day in looking it out in my +dictionary. Oh dear, oh dear, where's the dinner dialogue!—well, +here's something to that purpose. 'I will +send you a bit of this fowl.' 'A little bit of the fowl +cannot hurt you.'—No, nor a great bit either.—'Which +do you like best, leg or wing?' 'Qu'aimez-vous le mieux, +la cuisse ou l'aile?'" Here the Countess Benvolio, who +had been playing a good knife and fork herself, pricked +up her ears, and guessing at Jorrocks's wants, interceded +with her countryman and got him a plateful of +fowl. It was soon disposed of, however, and half a dish +of hashed hare or cat, that was placed within reach of +him shortly after, was quickly transferred into his plate. +A French dinner is admirably calculated for leading +the appetite on by easy stages to the grand consummation +of satiety. It begins meagrely, as we have shown, +and proceeds gradually through the various gradations +of lights, savories, solids, and substantiate. Presently +there was a large dish of stewed eels put on. "What's +that?" asked Jorrocks of the man.—"Poisson," was the +reply. "Poison! why, you infidel, have you no conscience?" +"Fishe," said the Countess. "Oh, ay, I smell—eels—just +like what we have at the Eel-pie-house +at Twickenham—your ladyship, I am thirsty—'ge soif,' +in fact." "Ah, bon!" said the Countess, laughing, and +giving him a tumbler of claret. "I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles," said the fat man, "and never +saw claret drunk in that way before." "It's not werry +good, I think," said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking his lips; "if +it was not claret I would sooner drink port." Some wild +ducks and fricandeau de veau which followed, were cut +up and handed round, Jorrocks helping himself plentifully +to both, as also to pommes de terre ą la maitre +d'hōtel, and bread at discretion. "Faith, but this is not +a bad dinner, after all's said and done, when one gets +fairly into it." "Fear it will be very expensive," observed +the fat man. Just when Jorrocks began to think he had +satisfied nature, in came a roast leg of mutton, a beef-steak, +"ą la G—d-dam", <a id="footnotetag22" name="footnotetag22"></a><a href="#footnote22"><sup>22</sup></a> and a dish of larks and snipes.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote21" name="footnote21"></a><b>Footnote 21:</b><a href="#footnotetag21"> (return) </a> Macaroni soup.</blockquote> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote22" name="footnote22"></a><b>Footnote 22:</b><a href="#footnotetag22"> (return) </a> When the giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves, handkerchiefs, +gowns, reticules, etc. were "ą la Giraffe," an Englishman +asked a waiter if they had any beef-steaks "ą la Giraffe." +"No, monsieur, but we have them ą la G—d-dem," was the +answer.</blockquote> + +<p>"Must have another tumbler of wine before I can grapple +with these chaps," said he, eyeing them, and looking +into Madame de Genlis's book: "'Garsoon, donnez-moi +un verre de vin,'" holding up the book and pointing to +the sentence. He again set to and "went a good one" +at both mutton and snipes, but on pulling up he appeared +somewhat exhausted. He had not got through it all yet, +however. Just as he was taking breath, a <i>garēon</i> entered +with some custards and an enormous omelette soufflée, +whose puffy brown sides bagged over the tin dish that +contained it. "There's a tart!" cried Mr. Jorrocks; +"Oh, my eyes, what a swell!—Well, I suppose I must +have a shy at it.—'In for a penny in for a pound!' as +we say at the Lord Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, +but, however, here goes," sending his plate across the +table to the <i>garēon</i>, who was going to help it. The first +dive of the spoon undeceived him as he heard it sound +at the bottom of the dish. "Oh lauk, what a go! All +puff, by Jove!—a regular humbug—a balloon pudding, +in short! I won't eat such stuff—give it to Mouncheer +there," rejecting the offer of a piece. "I like the solids;—will +trouble you for some of that cheese, sir, and +don't let it taste of the knive. But what do they mean +by setting the dessert on before the cloth is removed? +And here comes tea and coffee—may as well have some, +I suppose it will be all the same price. And what's this?" +eyeing a lot of liqueur glasses full of eau de vie. "Chasse-café, +Monsieur," said the <i>garēon</i>. "Chasse calf—chasse +calf—what's that? Oh, I twig—what we call 'shove in +the mouth' at the Free-and-Easy. Yes, certainly, give +me a glass." "You shall take some dessert," said the +Countess, handing him over some peaches and biscuits. +"Well, I'll try my hand at it, if it will oblege your +ladyship, but I really have had almost enough." "And +some abricot," said she, helping him to a couple of fine +juicy ones. "Oh, thank you, my lady, thank you, my +lady, I'm nearly satisfied." "Vous ne mangez pas," +said she, giving him half a plate of grapes. "Oh, my +lady, you don't understand me—I can't eat any more—I +am regularly high and dry—chock full—bursting, +in fact." Here she handed him a plate of sponge-cakes +mixed with bon-bons and macaroons, saying, "Vous +źtes un pauvre mangeur—vous ne mangez rien, Monsieur." +"Oh dear, she does not understand me, I see.—Indeed, +my lady, I cannot eat any more.—Ge woudera, +se ge could-era, mais ge can-ne-ra pas!" "Well, +now, I've travelled three hundred thousand miles, and +never heard such a bit of French as that before," said +the fat man, chuckling.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="IX" id="IX"></a> +<h3>IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS</h3> + +<p>As the grey morning mist gradually dispersed, and +daylight began to penetrate the cloud that dimmed +the four squares of glass composing the windows of +the diligence, the Yorkshireman, half-asleep and half-awake, +took a mental survey of his fellow-travellers.—Before +him sat his worthy friend, snoring away with +his mouth open, and his head, which kept bobbing over +on to the shoulder of the Countess, enveloped in the +ample folds of a white cotton nightcap.—She, too, was +asleep and, disarmed of all her daylight arts, dozed +away in tranquil security. Her mouth also was open, +exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth, and her +Madonna front having got a-twist, exposed a mixture +of brown and iron-grey hairs at the parting place. Her +bonnet swung from the roof of the diligence, and its +place was supplied by a handsome lace cap, fastened +under her chin by a broad-hemmed cambric handkerchief. +Presently the sun rose, and a bright ray shooting +into the Countess's corner, awoke her with a start, and +after a hurried glance at the passengers, who appeared +to be all asleep, she drew a small ivory-cased looking-glass +from her bag, and proceeded to examine her +features. Mr. Jorrocks awoke shortly after, and with +an awful groan exclaimed that his backbone was fairly +worn out with sitting. "Oh dear!" said he, "my behind +aches as if I had been kicked all the way from Hockleyhole +to Marylebone. Are we near Paris? for I'm sure +I can't find seat any longer, indeed I can't. I'd rather +ride two hundred miles in nine hours, like H'osbaldeston, +than be shut up in this woiture another hour. It really +is past bearing, and that's the long and short of the +matter." This exclamation roused all the party, who +began yawning and rubbing their eyes and looking at +their watches. The windows also were lowered to take +in fresh air, and on looking out they found themselves +rolling along a sandy road, lined on each side with apple-trees, +whose branches were "groaning" with fruit. They +breakfasted at Beaumont, and had a regular spread of +fish, beef-steak, mutton-chops, a large joint of hot +roast veal, roast chickens, several yards of sour bread, +grapes, peaches, pears, and plums, with vin ordinaire, +and coffee au lait; but Mr. Jorrocks was off his feed, +and stood all the time to ease his haunches.</p> + +<p>Towards three in the afternoon they caught the first +glimpse of the gilded dome of the Hospital of Invalids, +which was a signal for all the party to brush up and +make themselves agreeable. Even the three-hundred-thousand +miler opened out, and began telling some +wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess and Mr. +Jorrocks carried on a fierce flirtation, or whatever +else they pleased to call it. At last, after a deal of +jargon, he broke off by appealing to the Yorkshireman +to know what "inn" they should "put up at" in Paris. +"I don't know, I'm sure," said he; "it depends a good +deal upon how you mean to live. As you pay my shot +it does not do for beggars to be choosers; but suppose +we try Meurice's" "Oh no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "her +ladyship tells me it is werry expensive, for the English +always pay through the nose if they go to English houses +in Paris; and, as we talk French, we can put up at a +French one, you know." "Well, then, we can try one +of the French ones in the Rue de la Paix." "Rue de la +Pay! no, by Jove, that won't do for me—the werry +name is enough—no Rue de la Pay for me, at least if +I have to pay the shot." "Well, then, you must get +your friend there to tell you of some place, for I don't +care twopence, as long as I have a bed, where it is." +The Countess and he then laid their heads together +again, and when the diligence stopped to change horses +at St. Denis, Mr. Jorrocks asked the Yorkshireman to +alight, and taking him aside, announced with great glee +that her ladyship, finding they were strangers in the +land, had most kindly invited them to stay with her, +and that she had a most splendid house in the Rue des +Mauvais-Garēons, ornamented with mirrors, musical +clocks, and he didn't know what, and kept the best +company in all France, marquesses, barons, viscounts, +authors, etc. Before the Yorkshireman had time to +reply, the conducteur came and hurried them back +into the diligence, and closed the door with a bang, +to be sure of having his passengers there while he and +the postilion shuffled the cards and cut for a glass of +<i>eau-de-vie</i> apiece.</p> + +<p>The Countess, suspecting what they had been after, +resumed the conversation as soon as Mr. Jorrocks was +seated.—"You shall manger cinque fois every day," said +she; "cinque fois," she repeated.—"Humph!" said Mr. +Jorrocks to himself, "what can that mean?—cank four—four +times five's twenty—eat twenty times a day—not +possible!" "Oui, Monsieur, cinque fois," repeated +the Countess, telling the number off on her fingers—"Café +at nine of the matin, déjeuner ą la fourchette +at onze o'clock, diner at cinque heure, café at six hour, +and souper at neuf hour." "Upon my word," replied +Mr. Jorrocks, his eyes sparkling with pleasure, "your +offer is werry inwiting. My lady," said he, bowing before +her, "Je suis—I am much flattered." "And, Monsieur?" +said she, looking at the Yorkshireman. He, too, assured +her that he was very much flattered, and was beginning +to excuse himself, when the Countess interrupted him +somewhat abruptly by turning to Mr. Jorrocks and +saying, "He sall be your son—n'est ce pas?" +"No, my lady, I've no children," replied he, and the +Countess's eyes in their turn underwent a momentary +illumination.</p> + +<p>The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the man +taken up to kick about the jaded travellers' luggage at +the journey's end. While this operation was going on +in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck close to Mr. +Jorrocks, and having dispatched Agamemnon for a +fiacre, bundled him in, luggage and all, and desiring +her worthy domestic to mount the box, and direct the +driver, she kissed her hand to the Yorkshireman, assuring +him she would be most happy to see him, in proof of +which, she drove away without telling him her number, +or where the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons was.</p> + +<p>Paris is a charming place after the heat of the summer +has passed away, and the fine, clear, autumnal days +arrive. Then is the time to see the Tuileries gardens +to perfection, when the Parisians have returned from +their chāteaus, and emigrating English and those homeward +bound halt to renovate on the road; then is the +time that the gayest plants put forth their brightest +hues, and drooping orange flowers scent the air which +silvery fountains lend their aid to cool.</p> + +<p>On a Sunday afternoon, such as we have described, +our friend Mr. Stubbs (who since his arrival had been +living very comfortably at the Hōtel d'Hollande, in +expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged +in six sous' worth of chairs—one to sit upon and one +for each leg—and, John Bull-like, stretched himself +out in the shade beneath the lofty trees, to view the +gay groups who promenaded the alleys before him. First, +there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife in blue +satin, and a little boy in his hand in uniform, with a +wooden sword, a perfect miniature of the father; then +a group of short-petticoated, shuffling French women, +each with an Italian greyhound in slips, followed by +an awkward Englishman with a sister on each arm, all +stepping out like grenadiers; then came a ribbon'd +chevalier of the Legion of Honour, whose hat was +oftener in his hand than on his head, followed by a +nondescript looking militaire with fierce mustachios, in +shining jack-boots, white leathers, and a sort of Italian +military cloak, with one side thrown over the shoulder, +to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the bright scabbard of +a large sword, while on the hero's left arm hung a +splendidly dressed woman. "What a figure!" said the +Yorkshireman to himself, as they came before him, and +he took another good stare.—"Yet stay—no, impossible!—Gracious +Heaven! it can't be—and yet it is—by +Jove, it's Jorrocks!"</p> + +<p>"Why now, you old imbecile," cried he, jumping off +his chairs and running up to him, "What are you after?" +bursting into a loud laugh as he looked at Mr. Jorrocks's +mustachios (a pair of great false ones). "Is there no piece +of tomfoolery too great for you? What's come across +you now? Where the deuce did you get these things?" +taking hold of the curls at one side of his mustachios.</p> + +<p>"How now?" roared Mr. Jorrocks with rage and +astonishment. "How now! ye young scaramouch, vot +do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman in +broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality? +By Jingo," added he, his eyes sparkling with rage, "if +you are not off before I can say 'dumpling' I'll run you +through the gizzard and give your miserable carcass to +the dogs," suiting the action to the word, and groping +under his cloak for the hilt of his sword.—A crowd +collected, and the Yorkshireman perceiving symptoms +of a scene, slunk out of the mźlée, and Mr. Jorrocks, +after an indignant shake or two of his feathers and curl +of his mustachios, pursued his course up the gardens.</p> + +<p>This was the first time they had met since their +arrival, which was above a week before; indeed, it was +nine days, for the landlord of the house where the Yorkshireman +lived had sent his "little bill" two days before +this, it being an established rule of his house, and one +which was conspicuously posted in all the rooms, that +the bills were to be settled weekly; and Mr. Stubbs +had that very morning observed that the hat of Monsieur +l'Hote was not raised half so high from his head, nor +his body inclined so much towards the ground as it +was wont to be—a pretty significant hint that he +wanted his cash.—Now the Yorkshireman, among his +other accomplishments, had a turn for play, and unfortunately +had been at the Salon the night before, +when, after continuous run of ill-luck, he came away +twelve francs below the amount of the hotel-keeper's +bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr. Jorrocks could +not have taken place at a more unfortunate moment. +Thinking, however, a good night's rest or two might +settle him down, and put all matters right, he let things +alone until the Tuesday following, when again finding +Monsieur's little "memoire" on one side of his coffeecup, +and a framed copy of the "rules and regulations" +of the house on the other, he felt constrained to take +some decisive step towards its liquidation. Accordingly, +having breakfasted, he combed his hair straight over +his face, and putting on a very penitential look, called +a cab, and desired the man to drive him to the Rue +des Mauvais-Garēons.—After zigzagging, twisting, and +turning about in various directions, they at last jingled +to the end of a very narrow dirty-looking street, whose +unswept pavement had not been cheered by a ray of +sunshine since the houses were built. It was excessively +narrow, and there were no flags on either side; but +through the centre ran a dribbling stream, here and +there obstructed by oyster-shells, or vegetable refuse, +as the water had served as a plaything for children, or +been stopped by servants for domestic purposes. The +street being extremely old, of course the houses were +very large, forming, as all houses do in Paris, little +squares entered by folding doors, at one side of which, +in a sort of lodge, lives the Porter—"Parlez au Portier"—who +receives letters, parcels, and communications for +the several occupiers, consisting sometimes of twenty +or thirty different establishments in one house. From +this functionary may be learned the names of the +different tenants. Having dismissed his cab, the Yorkshireman +entered the first gateway on his left, to take +the chance of gaining some intelligence of the Countess. +The Porter—a cobbler by trade—was hammering away, +last on knee, at the sole of a shoe, and with a grin on +his countenance, informed the Yorkshireman that the +Countess lived next door but one. A thrill of fear came +over him on finding himself so near the residence of +his indignant friend, but it was of momentary duration, +and he soon entered the courtyard of No. 3—where he +was directed by an unshaved grisly-looking porter, to +proceed "un troisičme," and ring the bell at the door +on the right-hand side. Obedient to his directions, the +Yorkshireman proceeded to climb a wide but dirty +stone staircase, with carved and gilded balusters, whose +wall and steps had known no water for many years, +and at length found himself on the landing opposite +the very apartment which contained the redoubtable +Jorrocks. Here he stood for a few seconds, breathing +and cooling himself after his exertions, during which +time he pictured to himself the worthy citizen immersed +in papers deeply engaged in the preparation of his +France in three volumes, and wished that the first +five minutes of their interview were over. At length +he mustered courage to grasp a greasy-looking red +tassel, and give a gentle tinkle to the bell. The door +was quickly opened by Agamemnon in dirty loose +trousers and slippers, and without a coat. He recognised +his fellow-traveller, and in answer to his inquiry if +Monsieur Jorrocks was at home, grinned, and answered, +"Oh oui, certainement, Monsieur le Colonel Jorrockes +est ici," and motioned him to come in. The Yorkshireman +entered the little ante-room—a sort of scullery, +full of mops, pans, dirty shoes, dusters, candlesticks—and +the first thing that caught his eye was Jorrocks's +sword, which Agamemnon had been burnishing up with +sandpaper and leather, lying on a table before the +window. This was not very encouraging, but Agamemnon +gave no time for reflection, and opening half a +light salmon-coloured folding door directly opposite the +one by which he entered, the Yorkshireman passed +through, unannounced and unperceived by Mr. Jorrocks +or the Countess, who were completely absorbed in a +game of dominoes, sitting on opposite sides of a common +deal table, whose rose-coloured silk cover was laid over +the back of a chair. Jorrocks was sitting on a stool with +his back to the door, and the Countess being very intent +on the game, Mr. Stubbs had time for a hasty survey +of the company and apartment before she looked up. +It was about one o'clock, and of course she was still +<i>en déshabillé</i>, with her nightcap on, a loose <i>robe de +chambre</i> of flannel, and a flaming broad-striped red-and-black +Scotch shawl thrown over her shoulders, and +swan's-down-lined slippers on her feet. Mr. Jorrocks +had his leather pantaloons on, with a rich blue and +yellow brocade dressing-gown, and blue morocco slippers +to match. His jack-boots, to which he had added a pair +of regimental heel-spurs, were airing before a stove, +which contained the dying embers of a small log. The +room was low, and contained the usual allowance of +red figured velvet-cushioned chairs, with brass nails; +the window curtains were red-and-white on rings and +gilded rods; a secretaire stood against one of the walls, +and there was a large mirror above the marble mantelpiece, +which supported a clock surmounted by a flying +Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers covered with +glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet +of the newest and most approved fashion. The floor, +of highly polished oak, was strewed about with playbills, +slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, ribbons, +dirty handkerchiefs, etc.; and on one side of the deal +table was a plate containing five well-picked mutton-chop +bones, and hard by lay Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios +and a dirty small tooth-comb.</p> + +<p>Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his +survey, the Countess gave the finishing stroke to the +game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a rage, gave +his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipe-clay +flying into his face. "Vous avez the devil's own luck"; +exclaimed he, repeating the blow, when, to avoid the +cloud, he turned short round, and encountered the +Yorkshireman.</p> + +<p>"How now?" roared he at the top of his voice, "who +sent for you? Have you come here to insult me in my +own house? I'll lay my soul to an 'oss-shoe, I'll be too +many for ye! Where's my sword?"</p> + +<p>"Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks," replied the Yorkshireman +very mildly, "pray, don't put yourself into +a passion—consider the lady, and don't let us have +any unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's +house," making her a very low bow as he spoke, and +laying his hand on his heart.</p> + +<p>"D—n your displeasancies!" roared Jorrocks, "and +that's swearing—a thing I've never done since my +brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece of muffin. +Out with you, I say! Out with ye! you're a nasty dirty +blackguard; I'm done with you for ever. I detest the +sight of you and hate ye afresh every time I see you!"</p> + +<p>"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," interposed the +Countess, "ve sall play anoder game, and you sall had +von better chance," clapping him on the back as she +spoke. "I von't!" bellowed Jorrocks. "Turn this chap +out first. I'll do it myself. H'Agamemnon! H'Agamemnon! +happortez my sword! bring my sword! tout suite, +directly!"</p> + +<p>"Police! Police! Police!" screamed the Countess out +of the window; "Police! Police! Police!" bellowed +Agamemnon from the next one; "Police! Police! +Police!" re-echoed the grisly porter down below; and +before they had time to reflect on what had passed, a +sergeant's file of the National Guard had entered the +hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken possession of the +apartment. The sight of the soldiers with their bright +bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as they were, cooled +Mr. Jorrocks's courage in an instant, and, after standing +a few seconds in petrified astonishment, he made a +dart at his jack-boots and bolted out of the room. The +Countess Benvolio then unlocked her secretaire, in which +was a plated liqueur-stand with bottles and glasses, out +of which she poured the sergeant three, and the privates +two glasses each of pure <i>eau-de-vie,</i> after which Agamemnon +showed them the top of the stairs.</p> + +<p>In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and the +Yorkshireman was occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool. The +Countess then began putting things a little in order, +adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured cover—before +doing which she swept off Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios, +and thrust a dirty white handkerchief and the +small tooth-comb under the cushion of a chair—while +Agamemnon carried away the plate with the bones. +"Ah, le pauvre Colonel," said the Countess, eyeing the +bones as they passed, "he sall be von grand homme to +eat—him eat toujours—all day long—Oh, him mange +beaucoup—beaucoup—beaucoup. He is von varé amiable +man, bot he sall not be moch patience. I guess he sall +be varé rich—n'est ce pas? have many guinea?—He +say he keep beaucoup des chiens—many dogs for the +hont—he sail be vot dey call rom customer (rum +customer) in Angleterre, I think."</p> + +<p>Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman +all sorts of stories about the <i>pauvre</i> Colonel, whom she +seemed ready to change for a younger piece of goods +with a more moderate appetite; and finding Mr. Stubbs +more complaisant than he had been in the diligence, she +concluded by proposing that he should accompany the +Colonel and herself to a <i>soirée-dansante</i> that evening at +a friend of hers, another Countess, in the "Rue des +Bons-Enfants."</p> + +<p>Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on +condition that the Countess would effect a reconciliation +between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, for which purpose +she at once repaired to his room, and presently reappeared +arm-in-arm with our late outrageously indignant +hero. The Colonel had been occupying his time at +the toilette, and was <i>en grand costume</i>—finely cleaned +leathers, jack-boots and brass spurs, with a spick and +span new blue military frock-coat, hooking and eyeing +up to the chin, and all covered with braid, frogs, tags, +and buttons.</p> + +<p>"Dere be von beau garēon!" exclaimed the Countess, +turning him round after having led him into the middle +of the room—"dat habit does fit you like vax." "Yes," +replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising his arms as though he +were going to take flight, "but it is rather tight—partiklarly +round the waist—shouldn't like to dine in +it. What do you think of it?" turning round and addressing +the Yorkshireman as if nothing had happened—"suppose +you get one like it?" "Do," rejoined the +Countess, "and some of the other things—vot you call +them, Colonel?" "What—breeches?" "Yes, breeches—but +the oder name—vot you call dem?" "Oh, leathers?" +replied Mr. Jorrocks. "No, no, another name still." "I +know no other. Pantaloons, perhaps, you mean?" "No, +no, not pantaloons." "Not pantaloons?—then I know +of nothing else. You don't mean these sacks of things, +called trousers?" taking hold of the Yorkshireman's. +"No, no, not trousers." "Then really, my lady, I don't +know any other name." "Oh, yes, Colonel, you know +the things I intend. Vot is it you call Davil in Angleterre?" +"Oh, we have lots of names for him—Old Nick, +for instance."—"Old Nick breeches," said the Countess +thoughtfully; "no, dat sall not be it—vot else?" "Old +Harry?" replied Mr. Jorrocks.—"Old Harry breeches," +repeated the Countess in the hopes of catching the name +by the ear—"no, nor dat either, encore anoder name, +Colonel." "Old Scratch, then?" "Old Scratch breeches," +re-echoed the Countess—"no, dat shall not do."—"Beelzebub?" +rejoined Mr. Jorrocks. "Beelzebub breeches," +repeated the Countess—"nor dat." "Satan, then?" said +Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh oui!" responded the Countess with +delight, "satan! black satan breeches—you shall von +pair of black satan breeches, like the Colonel."</p> + +<p>"And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume?" +said the Yorkshireman, looking at Mr. Jorrocks.</p> + +<p>"I carn't," said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone; "I'm +nearly cleaned out, and shall be in Short's Gardens +before I know where I am, unless I hold better cards +this evening than I've done yet. Somehow or other, +these French are rather too sharp for me, and I've been +down upon my luck ever since I came.—Lose every +night, in fact, and then they are so werry anxious for +me to have my rewenge, as they call it, that they make +parties expressly for me every evening; but, instead of +getting my rewenge, I only lose more and more money.—They +seem to me always to turn up the king whenever +they want him.—To-night we are going to a Countess's +of werry great consequence, and, as you know écarté +well, I'll back your play, and, perhaps, we may do +something between us."</p> + +<p>This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his departure, +and Mr. Jorrocks having girded on his sword, +and the Countess having made her morning toilette, +they proceed to their daily promenade in the Tuileries +Gardens.</p> + +<p>A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman +again found himself toiling up the dirty staircase, and +on reaching the third landing was received by Agamemnon +in a roomy uniform of a chasseur—dark green and +tarnished gold, with a cocked-hat and black feather, +and a couteau de chasse, slung by a shining patent-leather +belt over his shoulder. The opening of the inner +door displayed the worthy Colonel sitting at his ease, +with his toes on each side of the stove (for the evenings +had begun to get cool), munching the last bit of crust +of the fifth Périgord pie that the Countess had got him +to buy.—He was extremely smart; thin black gauze-silk +stockings, black satin breeches; well-washed, well-starched +white waistcoat with a rolling collar, showing +an amplitude of frill, a blue coat with yellow buttons +and a velvet collar, while his pumps shone as bright +as polished steel.</p> + +<p>The Countess presently sidled into the room, all +smirks and smiles as dressy ladies generally are when +well "got up." Rouge and the milliner had effectually +reduced her age from five and forty down to five and +twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink satin, with +lilies of the valley in her hair, and an exquisitely wrought +gold armlet, with a most Lilliputian watch in the centre.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pie-crust, and stuck +on his mustachios, the Countess blew out her bougies, +and the trio, preceeded by Agamemnon with a lanthorn +in his hand, descended the stairs, whose greasy, muddy +steps contrasted strangely with the rich delicacy of the +Countess's beautifully slippered feet. Having handed +them into the voiture, Agamemnon mounted up behind, +and in less than ten minutes they rumbled into +the spacious courtyard of the Countess de Jackson, in +the Rue des Bons-Enfants, and drew up beneath a lofty +arch at the foot of a long flight of dirty black-and-white +marble stairs, about the centre of which was +stationed a <i>lacquey de place</i> to show the company up +to the hall. The Countess de Jackson (the wife of an +English horse-dealer) lived in an <i>entresol au troisičme</i>, +but the hotel being of considerable dimensions, her +apartment was much more spacious than the Countess +Benvolio's. Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being a +<i>marchande des modes</i>, had occasion for greater accommodation, +and she had five low rooms, whereof the centre +one was circular, from which four others, consisting of +an ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and <i>salle ą manger</i>, +radiated.</p> + +<p>Agamemnon having opened the door of the <i>fiacre</i>, +the Countess Benvolio took the Yorkshireman's arm, +and at once preceded to make the ascent, leaving the +Colonel to settle the fare, observing as they mounted +the stairs, that he was "von exceeding excellent man, +but varé slow."</p> + +<p>"Madame la Contesse Benvolio and Monsieur Stoops!" +cried the <i>lacquey de place</i> as they reached the door of +the low ante-room, where the Countess Benvolio deposited +her shawl, and took a final look at herself in +the glass. She again took the Yorkshireman's arm and +entered the round ballroom, which, though low and out +of all proportion, had an exceedingly gay appearance, +from the judicious arrangement of the numerous lights, +reflected in costly mirrors, and the simple elegance of +the crimson drapery, festooned with flowers and evergreens +against the gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had +been the residence of an ambassador before the first +revolution, and this <i>entresol</i> had formed the private +apartment of his Excellency. The door immediately +opposite the one by which they entered, led into the +Countess de Jackson's bedroom, which was also lighted +up, with the best furniture exposed and her toilette-table +set out with numberless scent bottles, vases, +trinkets, and nick-nacks, while the <i>salle ą manger</i> was +converted into a card-room. Having been presented in +due form to the hostess, the Yorkshireman and his new +friend stood surveying the gay crowd of beautiful and +well-dressed women, large frilled and well-whiskered +men, all chatting, and bowing, and dancing, when a +half-suppressed titter that ran through the room +attracted their attention, and turning round, Mr. +Jorrocks was seen poking his way through the crowd +with a number of straws sticking to his feet, giving him +the appearance of a feathered Mercury. The fact was, +that Agamemnon had cleaned his shoes with the liquid +varnish (french polish), and forgetting to dry it properly, +the carrying away half the straw from the bottom +of the <i>fiacre</i> was the consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks +having paid the Jehu rather short, the latter had not +cared to tell him about it.</p> + +<p>The straws were, however, soon removed without +interruption to the gaiety of the evening. Mr. Stubbs, +of course, took an early opportunity of waltzing with +the Countess Benvolio, who, as all French women are, +was an admirable dancer, and Jorrocks stood by fingering +and curling his mustachios, admiring her movements +but apparently rather jealous of the Yorkshireman. "I +wish," said he after the dance was over, "that you +would sit down at <i>écarté</i> and let us try to win some of +these mouncheers' tin, for I'm nearly cleaned out. Let +us go into the cardroom, but first let us see if we can +find anything in the way of nourishment, for I begin +to be hungry. Garsoon," said he catching a servant +with a trayful of <i>eau sucrée</i> glasses, "avez-vous kick-shaws +to eat?" putting his finger in his mouth—"ge +wouderay some refreshment." "Oh, oui," replied the +garēon taking him to an open window overlooking the +courtyard, and extending his hand in the air, "voilą, +monsieur, de trčs bon rafraīchissement."</p> + +<p>The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for +though composed of shopkeepers and such like, there +was nothing in their dress or manner to indicate anything +but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks, indeed, +fancied himself in the very élite of French society, +and, but for a little incident, would have remained of +that opinion. In an unlucky moment he took it into +his head he could waltz, and surprised the Countess +Benvolio by claiming her hand for the next dance. "It +seems werry easy," said he to himself as he eyed the +couples gliding round the room;—"at all ewents there's +nothing like trying, 'for he who never makes an effort +never risks a failure.'" The couples were soon formed +and ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a conspicuous +position in the centre of the room, buttoned +his coat, and, as the music struck up, put his arm round +the waist of his partner. The Countess, it seems, had +some misgivings as to his prowess in the dancing line, +and used all her strength to get him well off, but the +majority of the dancers started before him. At length, +however, he began to move, and went rolling away in +something between a gallop and a waltz, effecting two +turns, like a great cart-wheel, which brought him bang +across the room, right into the track of another couple, +who were swinging down at full speed, making a cannon +with his head against both theirs, and ending by all +four coming down upon the hard boards with a tremendous +crash—the Countess Benvolio undermost, then +the partner of the other Countess, then Jorrocks, and +then the other Countess herself. Great was the commotion, +and the music stopped; Jorrocks lost his wig, +and split his Beelzebub breeches across the knees, +while the other gentleman cracked his behind—and the +Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were considerably +damaged; particularly the other Countess, +who lost four false teeth and broke an ear-ring. This, +however, was not the worst, for as soon as they were all +scraped together and set right again, the other Countess's +partner attacked Jorrocks most furiously, calling him a +<i>sacré-nom de-Dieu'd bźte</i> of an Englishman, a mauvais +sujet, a cochon, etc., then spitting on the floor—the +greatest insult a Frenchman can offer—he vapoured +about being one of the "grand nation," "that he was +brave—the world knew it," and concluded by thrusting +his card—"Monsieur Charles Adolphe Eugene, Confiturier, +No. 15 bis, Rue Poupée"—into Jorrocks's face. +It was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling his +fists, and getting close to him, he held one to his nose, +exclaiming, "D—n ye, sir, je suis—JORROCKS!—Je suis +an Englishman! je vous lick within an inch of your life! +—Je vous kick!—je vous mill!—je vous flabbergaster!" +and concluded by giving him his card, "Monsieur le +Colonel Jorrocks, No 3, Rue des Mauvais-Garēons."</p> + +<p>A friend of the confectioner's interposed and got him +away, and Mr. Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to return +into the cardroom, where they were speedily waited +upon by the friend of the former, who announced that +the Colonel must make an apology or fight, for he said, +although Jorrocks was a "Colonel Anglais," still Monsieur +Eugene was of the Legion of Honour, and, consequently, +very brave and not to be insulted with impunity. +All this the Yorkshireman interpreted to Mr. +Jorrocks, who was most anxious to fight, and wished it +was light that they might go to work immediately. Mr. +Stubbs therefore told the confectioner's friend (who was +also his foreman), that the Colonel would fight him with +pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but no +sooner was the word "pistols" mentioned than the +friend exclaimed, with a grimace and shrug of his +shoulders, "Oh horror, no! Monsieur Adolphe is brave, +but he will not touch pistols—they're not weapons +of his country." Jorrocks then proposed to fight him +with broad swords, but this the confectioner's foreman +declined on behalf of his principal, and at last the +Colonel suggested that they could not do better than +fight it out with fists. Now, the confectioner was ten +years younger than Jorrocks, tall, long-armed, and not +over-burthened with flesh, and had, moreover, taken +lessons of Harry Harmer, when that worthy had his +school in Paris, so he thought the offer was a good one, +and immediately closed with it. Jorrocks, too, had been +a patron of the prize-ring, having studied under Bill +Richmond, the man of colour, and was reported to have +exhibited in early life (incog.) with a pugilist of some +pretensions at the Fives-court, so, all things considered, +fists seemed a very proper mode of settling the matter, +and that being agreed upon, each party quitted the +Countess de Jackson's—the confectioner putting forth +all manner of high-flown ejaculations and prayers for +success, as he groped about the ante-room for his hat, +and descended the stairs. "Oh! God of war!" said he, +throwing up his hands, "who guided the victorious +army of this grand nation in Egypt, when, from the +pyramids, forty centuries beheld our actions—oh, +brilliant sun, who shone upon our armies at Jaffa, +at Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz, Jena, and +Algiers, who blessed our endeavours, who knowest that +we are brave—brave as a hundred lions—look down on +Charles Adolphe Eugene, and enable him to massacre +and immolate on the altar of his wrath, this sacré-nom +de-Dieu'd beastly hog of an Englishman"—and thereupon +he spit upon the flags with all the venom of a +viper.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech, as +he poked his way home, though of a different description. +"Now blister my kidneys," said he, slapping his thigh, +"but I'll sarve him out! I'll baste him as Randall did +ugly Borrock. I'll knock him about as Belcher did the +Big Ilkey Pigg. I'll damage his mug as Turner did +Scroggins's. I'll fib him till he's as black as Agamemnon—for +I do feel as though I could fight a few."</p> + +<br><br> + +<p>The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at the +Hōtel d'Hollande had not received their morning opening, +when a tremendous loud, long, protracted rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +sounded like thunder throughout the extensive +square, and brought numerous nightcapped heads +to the windows, to see whether the hotel was on fire, +or another revolution had broken out. The <i>maītre d'hotel</i> +screamed, the porter ran, the <i>chef de cuisine</i> looked out +of his pigeon-hole window, and the <i>garēons</i> and male +<i>femmes des chambres</i> rushed into the yard, with fear +and astonishment depicted on their countenances, when +on peeping through the grating of the little door, Mr. +Jorrocks was descried, knocker in hand, about to sound +a second edition. Now, nothing is more offensive to the +nerves of a Frenchman than a riotous knock, and the +impertinence was not at all migitated by its proceeding +from a stranger who appeared to have arrived through +the undignified medium of a co-cou.<a id="footnotetag23" name="footnotetag23"></a><a href="#footnote23"><sup>23</sup></a> Having scanned +his dimensions and satisfied himself that, notwithstanding +all the noise, Jorrocks was mere mortal man, the +porter unbolted the door, and commenced a loud and +energetic tirade of abuse against "Monsieur Anglais," +for his audacious thumping, which he swore was enough +to make every man of the National Guard rush "to arms." +In the midst of the torrent, very little of which Mr. +Jorrocks understood, the Yorkshireman appeared, whom +he hurried into the <i>co-cou</i>, bundled in after him, cried +"ally!" to the driver, and off they jolted at a miserably +slow trot. A little before seven they reached the village +of Passy, where it was arranged they should meet and +proceed from thence to the Bois de Boulogne, to select +a convenient place for the fight; but neither the confectioner +nor his second, nor any one on his behalf, was +visible and they walked the length and breadth of the +village, making every possible inquiry without seeing +or hearing anything of them. At length, having waited +a couple of hours, Mr. Jorrocks's appetite overpowered +his desire of revenge, and caused him to retire to the +"Chapeau-Rouge" to indulge in a "fork breakfast." +Nature being satisfied, he called for pen and ink, and +with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew up the following proclamation +which to this day remains posted in the <i>salle +ą manger</i> a copy whereof was transmitted by post to +the confectioner at Paris.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote23" name="footnote23"></a><b>Footnote 23:</b><a href="#footnotetag23"> (return) </a> <i>Co-cous</i> are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs of +Paris. They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young +Diligence.</blockquote> + + +<blockquote><p> +PROCLAMATION!</p> + +<p>I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram Street, in the County +of Middlesex, Member of the Surrey Hunt, in England, +and Colonel of the Army when I'm in France, having +been grossly insulted by Charles Adolphe Eugene of +No. 15 bis, Rue Poupée, confectioner, this day repaired to +Passy, with the intention of sarving him out with my fists; +but, neither he nor any one for him having come to the +scratch, I, John Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said +Charles Adolphe Eugene to be a shabby fellow and no +soldier, and totally unworthy the notice of a fox-hunter +and a gentleman sportsman.</p> + +<p>(Signed) JOHN JORROCKS.</p> + +<p>(Countersigned) STUBBS. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This being completed, and the bill paid, they returned +leisurely on foot to Paris, looking first at one object, +then at another, so that the Countess Benvolio's dinner-hour +was passed ere they reached the Tuileries Gardens, +where after resting themselves until it began to get +dusk, and their appetites returned, they repaired to +the Café de Paris to destroy them again.—The lofty +well-gilded salon was just lighted up, and the numberless +lamps reflected in costly mirrors in almost every partition +of the wall, aided by the graceful figures and elegant +dresses of the ladies, interspersed among the +sombre-coated gentry, with here and there the gay +uniforms of the military, imparted a fairy air to the scene, +which was not a little heightened by the contrast produced +by Mr. Jorrocks's substantial figure, stumping through +the centre with his hat on his head, his hands behind his +back, and the dust of the day hanging about his Hessians.</p> + +<p>"Garsoon," said he, hanging up his hat, and taking +his place at a vacant table laid for two, "ge wouderai +some wittles," and, accordingly, the spruce-jacketed, +white-aproned <i>garēon</i> brought him the usual red-backed +book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the +side, like the index to a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks +said, "containing reading enough for a month." "Quelle +potage voulez vous, monsieur?" inquired the <i>garēon</i> at +last, tired of waiting while he studied the <i>carte</i> and +looked the words out in the dictionary. "<i>Avez-vous</i> any +potted lobster?" "Non," said the <i>garēon</i>, "potage au +vermicelle, au riz, a la Julienne, consommé, et potage +aux choux." "Old shoe! who the devil do you think +eats old shoes here? Have you any mock turtle or +gravy soup?" "Non, monsieur," said the <i>garēon</i> with +a shrug of the shoulders. "Then avez-vous any roast +beef?" "Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au naturel—boeuf +ą la sauce piquante—boeuf aux cornichons—boeuf +ą la mode—boeuf aux choux—boeuf ą la sauce +tomate—bifteck aux pommes de terre." "Hold hard," +said Jorrocks; "I've often heard that you can dress an +egg a thousand ways, and I want to hear no more +about it; bring me a beef-steak and pommes de terre +for three." "Stop!" cried Mr. Stubbs, with dismay—"I +see you don't understand ordering a dinner in France +—let me teach you. Where's the <i>carte?</i>" "Here," said +Mr. Jorrocks, "is 'the bill of lading,'" handing over the +book.—"Garēon, apportez une douzaine des huītres, un +citron, et du beurre frais," said the Yorkshireman, and +while they were discussing the propriety of eating them +before or after the soup, a beautiful dish of little green +oysters made their appearance, which were encored before +the first supply was finished. "Now, Colonel," said +the Yorkshireman, "take a bumper of Chablis," lifting +a pint bottle out of the cooler. "It has had one plunge +in the ice-pail and no more—see what a delicate rind +it leaves on the glass!" eyeing it as he spoke. "Ay, but +I'd rayther it should leave something in the mouth than +on the side of the glass," replied Mr. Jorrocks; "I loves +a good strong generous wine—military port, in fact—but +here comes fish and soup—wot are they?" "Filet +de sole au gratin, et potage au macaroni avec fromage +de Parmesan. I'll take fish first, because the soup will +keep hot longest." "So will I," said Mr. Jorrocks, "for +I think you understand the thing—but they seem to +give werry small penn'orths—it really looks like trifling +with one's appetite—I likes the old joint—the cut-and-come-again +system, such as we used to have at Sugden's +in Cornhill—joint, wegitables, and cheese all for two +shillings." "Don't talk of your joints here," rejoined +the Yorkshireman—"I told you before, you don't understand +the art of eating—the dexterity of the thing +consists in titivating the appetite with delicate morsels +so as to prolong the pleasure. A well-regulated French +dinner lasts two hours, whereas you go off at score, and +take the shine out of yourself before you turn the +Tattenham Corner of your appetite. But come, take +another glass of Chablis, for your voice is husky as though +your throat was full of dust.—Will you eat some of +this boulli-vert?" "No, not no bouleward for me thank +ye." "Well, then, we will have the 'entrée de boeuf—beef +with sauce tomate—and there is a cōtelette de veau +en papillotte;—which will you take?" "I'll trouble the +beef, I think; I don't like that 'ere pantaloon cutlet much, +the skin is so tough." "Oh, but you don't eat the paper, +man; that is only put on to keep this nice layer of fat +ham from melting; take some, if it is only that you may +enjoy a glass of champagne after it. There is no meat +like veal for paving the way for a glass of champagne." +"Well, I don't care if I do, now you have explained how +to eat it, for I've really been troubled with indigestion +all day from eating one wholesale yesterday; but don't +you stand potatoes—pommes de terre, as we say in +France?" "Oh yes, fried, and ą la maītre d'hotel; here +they come, smoking hot. Now, J—— for a glass of +champagne—take it out of the pail—nay, man! not +with both hands round the middle, unless you like it +warm—by the neck, so," showing him how to do it +and pouring him a glass of still champagne. "This won't +do," said Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle; "garsoon! +garsoon!—no good—no bon—no fizzay, no fizzay," +giving the bottom of the bottle a slap with his hand to +rouse it. "Oh, but this is still champagne," explained +the Yorkshireman, "and far the best." "I don't think +so," retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the glass into his +water-stand. "Well, then, have a bottle of the other," +rejoined the Yorkshireman, ordering one. "And who's +to pay for it?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh, never mind +that—care killed the cat—give a loose to pleasure for +once, for it's a poor heart that never rejoices. Here it +comes, and 'may you never know what it is to want,' +as the beggar boys say.—Now, let's see you treat it +like a philosopher—the wire is off, so you've nothing +to do but cut the string, and press the cork on one side +with your thumb.—Nay! you've cut both sides!" Fizz, +pop, bang, and away went the cork close past the +ear of an old deaf general, and bounded against the +wall.—"Come, there's no mischief done, so pour out +the wine.—Your good health, old boy, may you live +for a thousand years, and I be there to count them! +—Now, that's what I call good," observed the Yorkshireman, +holding up his glass, "see how it dulls the +glass, even to the rim—champagne isn't worth a copper +unless it's iced—is it, Colonel?" "Vy, I don't know—carn't +say I like it so werry cold; it makes my teeth +chatter, and cools my courage as it gets below—champagne +certainly gives one werry gentlemanly ideas, but +for a continuance, I don't know but I should prefer +mild hale." "You're right, old boy, it does give one very +gentlemanly ideas, so take another glass, and you'll +fancy yourself an emperor.—Your good health again." +"The same to you, sir. And now wot do you call this +chap?" "That is a quail, the other a snipe—which will +you take?" "Vy, a bit of both, I think; and do you +eat these chaps with them?" "Yes, nothing nicer—artichokes +į la sauce blanche; you get the real eating +part, you see, by having them sent up this way, instead +of like haystacks, as they come in England, diving and +burning your fingers amid an infinity of leaves." "They +are werry pretty eating, I must confess; and this upper +Binjamin of ham the birds are cooked in is delicious. I'll +trouble you for another plateful." "That's right, Colonel, +you are yourself again. I always thought you would come +back into the right course; and now you are good for a +glass of claret of light Hermitage. Come, buck up, and +give a loose to pleasure for once." "For once, ay, that's +what you always say; but your once comes so werry +often." "Say no more.—Garēon! un demi-bouteille de +St. Julien; and here, J——, is a dish upon which I will +stake my credit as an experienced caterer—a Charlotte +de pommes—upon my reputation it is a fine one, the +crust is browned to a turn, and the rich apricot sweet-meat +lies ensconced in the middle, like a sleeping babe +in its cradle. If ever man deserved a peerage and a +pension it is this cook." "It's werry delicious—order +another." "Oh, your eyes are bigger than your stomach, +Mr. J——. According to all mathematical calculations, +this will more than suffice. Ay, I thought so—you are +regularly at a stand-still. Take a glass of whatever you +like. Good—I'll drink Chablis to your champagne. And +now, that there may be no mistake as to our country, +we will have some cheese—fromage de Roquefort, +Gruyčre, Neufchatel, or whatever you like—and a +beaker of Burgundy after, and then remove the cloth, +for I hate dabbling in dowlas after dinner is done." +"Rum beggars these French," said Mr. Jorrocks to +himself, laying down the newspaper, and taking a sip +of Churchman's chocolate, as on the Sunday morning +he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls and +butter, with <i>Galignani's Messenger</i>, for breakfast.</p> + +<p>"Rum beggars, indeed," said he, resuming the paper, +and reading the programme of the amusements for the +day, commencing with the hour of Protestant service +at the Ambassador's Chapel, followed on by Palace and +Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal—Review with +Military Music in the Place du Carousel—Horse-races +in the Champs de Mars—Fźte in the Park of +St. Cloud—Combat d'Animaux, that is to say, dog-fighting and +bull-baiting, at the Barričre du Combat, Tivoli, etc., etc., +"It's not werry right, but I suppose at Rome we must +do as Romans do," with which comfortable reflection +Mr. Jorrocks proposed that the Countess and he should +go to the races. Madame was not partial to animals of +any description, but having got a new hat and feathers +she consented to show them, on condition that they +adjoined to the fźte at St. Cloud in the evening.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a neighbouring +English livery-stable drew up a dark-coloured +job cab, with a red-and-white striped calico lining, +drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse, at the +Countess's gateway in the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons, +into which Mr. Jorrocks having handed her ladyship, +and Agamemnon, who was attired in his chasseur +uniform, having climbed up behind, the old horse, +after two or three flourishes of his dirty white tail, +as a sort of acknowledgment of the whip on his sides, +got himself into motion, and proceeded on his way to +the races. The Countess being resolved to cut a dash, +had persuaded our hero to add a smart second-hand +cocked-hat, with a flowing red-and-white feather, to the +rest of his military attire; and the end of a scarlet handkerchief, +peeping out at the breast of his embroidered +frock-coat, gave him the appearance of wearing a decoration, +and procured him the usual salute from the soldiers +and veterans of the Hospital of Invalids, who were +lounging about the ramparts and walks of the edifice. +The Countess's costume was simple and elegant; a sky-blue +satin pelisse with boots to match, and a white +satin bonnet with white feathers, tipped with blue, and +delicate primrose-coloured gloves. Of course the head +of the cab was well thrown back to exhibit the elegant +inmates to the world.</p> + +<p>Great respect is paid to the military in France, as +Mr. Jorrocks found by all the hack, cab, and <i>fiacre +</i> drivers pulling up and making way for him to pass, +as the old crocodile-backed white horse slowly dragged +its long length to the gateway of the Champ de Mars. +Here the guard, both horse and foot, saluted him, +which he politely acknowledged, under direction of the +Countess, by raising his <i>chapeau bras</i>, and a subaltern +was dispatched by the officer in command to conduct +him to the place appointed for the carriages to stand. But +for this piece of attention Mr. Jorrocks would certainly +have drawn up at the splendid building of the École +Militaire, standing as it does like a grand stand in the +centre of the gravelly dusty plain of the Champ de Mars. +The officer, having speared his way through the crowd +with the usual courtesy of a Frenchman, at length drew +up the cab in a long line of anonymous vehicles under +the rows of stunted elms by the stone-lined ditch, on +the southern side of the plain when, turning his charger +round, he saluted Mr. Jorrocks, and bumped off at a +trot. Mr. Jorrocks then stuck the pig-driving whip into +the socket, and throwing forward the apron, handed +out the Countess, and installed Agamemnon in the cab.</p> + +<p>A fine day and a crowd make the French people +thoroughly happy, and on this afternoon the sun shone +brightly and warmly on the land;—still there was no +apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the +multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon the +plain, or lined the grass-burnt mounds at the sides, in +most independent parties. The Champ de Mars forms +a regular parallelogram of 2700 feet by 1320, and the +course, which is of an oblong form, comprises a circuit +of the whole, and is marked out with strong posts and +ropes. Within the course, equestrians—or more properly +speaking, "men on horseback"—are admitted under the +surveillance of a regiment of cavalry, while infantry +and cavalry are placed in all directions with drawn +swords and fixed bayonets to preserve order. Being a +gravelly sandy soil, in almost daily requisition for the +exercise and training of troops, no symptoms of vegetation +can be expected, and the course is as hard as the +ride in Rotten Row or up to Kensington Gardens.</p> + +<p>About the centre of the south side, near where the +carriages were drawn up, a few temporary stands were +erected for the royal family and visitors, the stand for +the former being in the centre, and hung with scarlet +and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully arranged +with tri-coloured drapery. These are entered by tickets +only, but there are always plenty of platforms formed +by tables and "chaises ą louer" (chairs to let) for those +who don't mind risking their necks for a sight. Some few +itinerants tramped about the plain, offering alternately +tooth-picks, play-bills, and race-lists for sale. Mr. Jorrocks, +of course, purchased one of the latter, which was decorated +at the top with a woodcut, representing three +jockeys riding two horses, one with a whip as big as a +broad sword. We append the list as a +specimen of "Sporting in France," which, we are sorry to +see, does not run into our pages quite so cleverly as our +printer could wish.<a id="footnotetag24" name="footnotetag24"></a><a href="#footnote24"><sup>24</sup></a></p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote24" name="footnote24"></a><b>Footnote 24:</b><a href="#footnotetag24"> (return) </a> Racing in France is, of course, now a very different business +to the primitive sport it was when this sketch was written.—EDITOR.</blockquote> + +<p>Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every good-looking +horse, and every well-built carriage, met on the +Continent, as their own, but we think that few would +be ambitious of laying claim to the honour of supplying +France with jockeys or racehorses. Mr. Jorrocks, indeed, +indifferent as he is to the affairs of the turf, could not +suppress his "conwiction" of the difference between +the flibberty-gibberty appearance of the Frenchmen, +and the quiet, easy, close-sitting jockeys of Newmarket. +The former all legs and elbows, spurting and pushing +to the front at starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and +nankeen shorts, just like the frowsy door-keepers of an +Epsom gambling-booth; the latter in clean, neat-fitting +leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new jackets, +feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the rear, with +their whip hands resting on their thighs. Then such +riding! A hulking Norman with his knees up to his +chin, and a long lean half-starved looking Frenchman sat +astride like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to +his knees before starting, followed by a runaway English +stable lad, in white cords and drab gaiters, and half a +dozen others equally singular, spurring and tearing +round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into +each other's faces, until the field was so separated as +to render it difficult to say which was leading and which +was tailing, for it is one of the rules of their races, that +each heat must be run in a certain time, consequently, +though all the horses may be distanced, the winner keeps +working away. Then what an absence of interest and +enthusiasm on the part of the spectators! Three-fourths +of them did not know where the horses started, scarcely +a man knew their names, and the few tenpenny bets +that were made, were sported upon the colour of the +jackets. A Frenchman has no notion of racing, and it +is on record that after a heat in which the winning horse, +after making a waiting race, ran in at the finish, a Parisian +observed, that "although 'Annette' had won at +the finish, he thought the greater honour was due to +'Hercule,' he having kept the lead the greater part of +the distance." On someone explaining to him that the +jockey on Annette had purposely made a waiting race, he +was totally incredulous, asserting that he was sure the +jockeys had too much <i>amour-propre</i> to remain in the +rear at any part of the race, when they might be in front.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="X" id="X"></a> +<h3>X. SPORTING IN FRANCE</h3> +<br> +<p class="mid"><img alt="" src="images/01.png"></p> +<p class="mid"><a href="images/02.png">(View full size)</a></p> +<br> +<p>"Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, curling +his mustachios and jingling a handful of five-franc +pieces in the pocket of his leathers—"moderate sport +indeed," and therefore he turned his back to the course +and walked the Countess off towards the cab.</p> + +<p>From beneath a low tenth-rate-looking booth, called +"The Cottage of Content," supported by poles placed +on the stunted trees of the avenue, and exhibiting on +a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in British beer," in +gilt letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring +about odds, and weights and scales, and on looking in, +a score of ragamuffin-looking grooms, imitation jockeys, +and the usual hangers-on of the racehorses and livery-stables, +were seen drinking beer, smoking, playing at +cards, dice, and chuck-farthing. Before the well-patched +canvas curtain that flapped before the entrance, a crowd +had collected round one of the horses which was in the +care of five or six fellows, one to hold him, another to +whistle to him, a third to whisk the flies away with a +horse's tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his +mouth out,—while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking +fellow, in his shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue +apron and trousers (more like a gardener than a groom), +walked round and round with mystified dignity, sacréing +and muttering, "Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas," as +anyone approached who seemed likely to ask questions. +Mr. Jorrocks, having well ascertained the importance +of his hat and feather, pushed his way with the greatest +coolness into the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse +and see whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and +the stud-groom immediately took off his lavender-coloured +foraging cap, and made two profound salaams, +one to the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr. +Jorrocks, all politeness, took off his <i>chapeau</i>, and no +sooner was it in the air, than with a wild exclamation +of surprise and delight, the groom screamed, "Oh, Monsieur +Shorrock, mon ami, comment vous portez vous?" +threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed +him on each cheek.</p> + +<p>"Hold!" roared the Colonel, half smothered in the +embrace, and disengaging himself he drew back a few +paces, putting his hand on the hilt of his sword, when +in the training groom of Paris he recognised his friend +the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the incident +disarmed Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being a man +of impulse and warm affections, he at once forgave the +novelty of the embrace, and most cordially joined hands +with those of his friend. They then struck up a mixture +of broken English and equally broken French, in mutual +inquiries after each other's healths and movements, and +presuming that Mr. Jorrocks was following up the sporting +trade in Paris, the Baron most considerately gave +him his best recommendations which horse to back, +kindly betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, +at each time assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. +At length, being completely cleaned out, he declined +any further transactions, and having got the Countess +into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself, when +someone took him by the sword as he was hoisting +himself up by the wooden apron, and drew him back +to the ground. "Holloa, Stubbs, my boy!" cried he, +"I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out his hand, +and thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the +Countess. "Well now, the deuce be in these French," +observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an undertone +as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm +through the Yorkshireman's and drew out of hearing +of the Countess behind the cab—"the deuce be in them. +I say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met at Newmarket +has just diddled me out of four Naps and a +half, by getting me to back 'osses that he said were +certain to win, and I really don't know how we are to +make 'tongue and buckle' meet, as the coachmen say. +Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. +Cards, dominoes, dice, backgammon, and racing, all +one—they inwariably beat me, and I declare I haven't +as much pewter as will coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, +as may be supposed, was not in a condition +of any great pecuniary assistance, but after a turn +or two along the mound, he felt it would be a reproach +on his country if he suffered his friend to be done by +a Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a +trick that Monsieur would not be up to. Accordingly, +desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to the Baron, and +behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal +he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, +who, after some trouble, they discovered in the "Cottage +of Content," entertaining John Jones and his comrades +with an account of the manner in which he had fleeced +Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshireman met him with +the greatest delight, shook hands with him over and +over again, and then began talking about racing, pigeon-shooting, +and Newmarket, pretended to be full of +money, and very anxious for the Baron's advice in +laying it out. On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him +to retire, and joining him in the avenue, walked him +up and down, while he recommended his backing a +horse that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman +consented, lost a Nap with great good humour, and +banteringly told the Baron he thought he could beat +the horse on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing +and at last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. +Jorrocks would run fifty yards with him on his back, +before the Baron would run a hundred. Upon this the +Baron scratched his head and looked very knowing, +pretended to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman +affected fear, and professed his readiness to withdraw +the offer. The Baron then plucked up his courage, +and after some haggling, the match was made for six +Naps, the Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might +have ten francs in addition to what he had won of Mr. +Jorrocks and himself. The money was then deposited +in the hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went +the trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and +ropes to measure and keep the ground. The English +jockeys and lads, though ready enough to pigeon a +countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting a +foreigner to do so, unless they share in the spoil, and +the Baron being a notorious screw, they all seemed +heartily glad to find him in a trap. Out then they all +sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while John Jones, with +a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded to measure a hundred +yards along the low side of the mound. This +species of amusement being far more in accordance +with the taste of the French than anything in which +horses are concerned, an immense mob flocked to the +scene, and the Baron having explained how it was, +and being considered a safe man to follow, numerous +offers were made to bet against the performance of the +match. The Yorkshireman being a youth of discretion +and accustomed to bet among strangers, got on five +Naps more with different parties, who to "prevent +accidents" submitted to deposit the money with the +Countess, and all things being adjusted, and the course +cleared by a picket of infantry, Mr. Jorrocks ungirded +his sword, and depositing it with his frock-coat in the +cab, walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start. +"Now, Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him +to the mound, so that he might leap on without shaking +him, "put your best leg first, and it's a hollow thing; +if you don't fall, you must win,"—and thereupon taking +Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather from his head, +he put it sideways on his own, so that he might not be +recognised, and mounted his man. Mr. Jorrocks then +took his place as directed by John Jones, and at a signal +from him—the dropping of a blue cotton handkerchief—away +they started amid the shouts, the clapping +of hands, and applause of the spectators, who covered +the mound and lined the course on either side. Mr. +Jorrocks's action was not very capital, his jack-boots +and leathers rather impeding his limbs, while the Baron +had as little on him as decency would allow. The Yorkshireman +feeling his man rather roll at the start, again +cautioned him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards +he got into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron +came tearing along like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks +had full two yards to spare, and ran past the soldier, who +stood with his cap on his bayonet as a winning-post, +amid the applause of his backers, the yells of his +opponents, and the general acclamation of the spectators.</p> + +<p>The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, +had dispatched Agamemnon early in the day for a +chaplet of red-and-yellow immortelles, and having +switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, +she gracefully descended, without showing more of her +foot and ankle than was strictly correct, and decorated +his brow with the wreath, as the Yorkshireman dismounted. +Enthusiasm being always the order of the +day in France, this act was greeted with the loudest +acclamations, and, without giving him time to recover +his wind, the populace bundled Mr. Jorrocks neck and +shoulders into the cab, and seizing the old horse by the +head, paraded him down the entire length of the Champ +de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks bowing and kissing his hands to +the assembled multitude, in return for the vivas! the +clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and handkerchiefs +that greeted him as he went.</p> + +<p>Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country +more fickle than in France. Ere the procession reached +the end of the dusty plain, the mob had tailed off very +considerably, and as the leader of the old white horse +pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the +distance, caused by the apprehension of a couple of +pickpockets, drew away the few followers that remained, +and the recently applauded and belauded Mr. Jorrocks +was left alone in his glory. He then pulled up, and taking +the chaplet of immortelles from his brow, thrust it +under the driving cushion of the cab, and proceeded +to reinstate himself in his tight military frock, re-gird +himself with his sword, and resume the cocked hat and +feather.</p> + +<p>Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, +and, had a pen and ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would +have endorsed him a bill for any amount. Having completed +his toilette he gave the Yorkshireman the vacant +seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the +ears with the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up +the line he had recently passed in triumphal procession, +and wormed his way among the crowd in search of the +Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of +her, and after driving about, and poking his way on +foot into all the crowds he could find, bolting up to +every lady in blue, he looked at his great double-cased +gold repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and +recollecting the fźte of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship +must have gone on, and Agamemnon being anxious +to see it, of course was of the same opinion; so, again +flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut away +down the Champ de Mars, and by the direction of +Agamemnon crossed the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, +and gained the route to Versailles.</p> + +<p>Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the +road swarmed with voitures of every description, diligences, +gondoles, co-cous, cabs, fiacres, omnibuses, +dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, occasionally +interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light +English cab or tilbury, drawn by a thoroughbred, and +driven by a dandy. The spirit of the old white horse +even seemed roused as he got among the carriages +and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of +bells round the necks of other horses, and he applied +himself to the shafts with a vigour his enfeebled-looking +frame appeared incapable of supplying. So they +trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's pace +after they got into close line, they reached the porte +Maillot, and resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, +Mr. Jorrocks got himself brushed over by +one of the gentry who ply in that profession at all +public places, and tucking his sword under one arm, +he thrust the other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-Bull-like, +strutted up the long broad grass avenue, +through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud, as if +all he saw belonged to himself. The scene was splendid, +and nature, art, and the weather appeared confederated +for effect. On the lofty heights arose the stately place, +looking down with placid grandeur on the full foliage +of the venerable trees, over the beautiful gardens, the +spouting fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay +and countless myriads that swarmed the avenues, +while the circling river flowed calmly on, without a +ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of +trumpets, the clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums, +that rent the air around.</p> + +<p>Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every +description—wild beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, +mountebanks, and monsters, while in spots sheltered +from the sun by lofty trees were dancing-places, swings, +roundabouts, archery-butts, pistol-ranges, ball-kicking +and head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants +of fairs and fźtes—beating "Bartlemy Fair," +as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, "all to nothing."</p> + +<p>The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in such +a multitude was very remote indeed, but, to tell the +truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought of her, until +having eat a couple of cold fowls and drank a bottle +of porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for +his purse, and remembered it was in her keeping. Mr. +Stubbs, however, settled the account, and in high glee +Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, visiting first +one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, then +dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short +before a splendid green-and-gold roundabout, whose +magic circle contained two lions, two swans, two black +horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. "Let's have a ride," said +he, jumping on to one of the black horses and adjusting +the stirrups to his length. The party was soon made up, +and as the last comer crossed his tiger, the engine was +propelled by the boys in the centre, and away they went +at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr. Jorrocks lost his head, +turned completely giddy, and bellowed out to them to +stop. They took no heed—all the rest were used to it—and +after divers yells and ineffectual efforts to dismount, +he fell to the ground like a sack. The machine +was in full work at the time, and swept round three +or four times before they could stop it. At last Mr. +Stubbs got to him, and a pitiable plight he was in. He +had fallen on his head, broken his feather, crushed his +chapeau bras, lost off his mustachios, was as pale as +death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident happened +near the gate leading to the town of St. Cloud, and +thither, with the aid of two gendarmes, Mr. Stubbs +conveyed the fallen hero, and having put him to bed +at the Hōtel d'Angleterre, he sent for a "médecin," who +of course shook his head, looked very wise, ordered him +to drink warm water—a never-failing specific in France—and +keep quiet. Finding he had an Englishman for +a patient, the "médecin" dropped in every two hours, +always concluding with the order "encore l'eau chaud." +A good sleep did more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, +and when the "médecin" called in the morning, and repeated +the injunction "encore l'eau chaud," he bellowed +out, "Cuss your <i>l'eau chaud</i>, my stomach ain't a reserwoir! +Give me some wittles!" The return of his appetite +being a most favourable symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged +the doctor, and forthwith ordered a <i>déjeuner +ą la fourchette</i>, to which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty fair +justice, though trifling in comparison with his usual performances. +They then got into a Versailles diligence +that stopped at the door, and rattling along at a merry +pace, very soon reached Paris and the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons.</p> + +<p>"Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks +as they arrived at the bottom of the flight of dirty +stairs, and, with his hands behind his back and his +sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and +opening the outer door entered the apartment. He +passed through the small ante-room without observing +his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, and there +being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he +walked forward into the bedroom beyond.</p> + +<p>Before an English fire-place that Mr. Jorrocks himself +had been at the expense of providing, snugly ensconced +in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned +easy chair, sat a monstrous man with a green patch +on his right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey +woollen dressing-gown, and black silk nightcap, puffing +away at a long meerschaum pipe, with a figure of +Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected Mr. +Jorrocks started back, but the smoker seemed quite +unconcerned, and casting an unmeaning grey eye at +the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from his +mouth.</p> + +<p>"How now!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a +rage, which caused the monster to start upon his legs +as though he were galvanised. "Vot brings you here?"</p> + +<p>"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker, +opening his eye a little wider, and taking the pipe from +his mouth. "Speak English, you fool," bawled Mr. +Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschämt" (you are very +impudent), replied the Dutchman with a thump on the +table. "I'll run you through the gizzard!" rejoined +Mr. Jorrocks, half drawing his sword,—"skin you alive, +in fact!" when in rushed the Countess and threw herself +between them.</p> + +<p>Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of +Flushing, was an old friend of the Countess's, and an +exceedingly good paying one, and having cast up that +morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence from +Dunkirk, and the Countess being enraged at Mr. Jorrocks +for not sharing the honours of his procession in the +cab on the previous day, and believing, moreover, that +his treasury was pretty well exhausted, thought she +could not do better than instal Rosembom in his place, +and retain the stakes she held for the Colonel's board +and lodging.</p> + +<p>This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving +Rosembom, who was not a much better Frenchman +than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the room would +be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon was ordered +to bundle Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau +and bag, and place them in readiness in the ante-room. +Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then retired to +enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went to +the Marche St. Honoré to buy some sour crout, roast +beef, and prunes for his dinner.</p> + +<p>"Turn this great slush-bucket out of my room!" +cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the Countess rushed into his +apartment. "Vot's he doing here?"</p> + +<p>"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clapping +him on the back, "he sall be my brodder." +"Never such a thing!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing +him as he spoke. "Never such a thing! no more than +myself—out with him, I say, or I'll cut my stick—<i>toute +suite—</i>directly!"</p> + +<p>"Avec tout mon coeur!" replied the Countess, her +choler rising as she spoke. "You're another," rejoined +Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner that she called +him something offensive—"Vous źte one mauvaise +woman!" "Monsieur," said the Countess, her eyes +flashing as she spoke, "vous źtes un polisson!—von +rascal!—von dem villain!—un charlatan!—von +nasty—bastely—ross bif!—dem dog!" and thereupon she +curled her fingers and set her teeth on edge as though +she would tear his very eyes out. Rosembom, though +he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, exchanged +his pipe for the poker, so what with this, the sword, +and the nails, things wore a very belligerent aspect.</p> + +<p>Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess, +still keeping up the semblance of her rage, ordered them +to quit her apartment directly, or she would have +recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs was +quite agreeable to go, but he hinted that she might as +well hand over the stakes that had been entrusted to +her keeping on the previous day, upon which she again +indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore they were a couple +of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her far more +than the amount for board and lodging. This made the +Colonel stare, for on the supposition that he was a +visitor, he had been firing away his money in all directions, +playing at everything she proposed, buying her +bonnets, Perigord pies, hiring remises, and committing +every species of extravagance, and now to be charged +for what he thought was pure friendship, disgusted him +beyond expression.</p> + +<p>The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the man +of letters of the establishment, and with his aid drew +Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he described as "reaching +down each side of his body and round his waist," +commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then proceeding +in the daily routine of café, 1 franc; déjeuner +ą la fourchette, 5 francs; diner avec vin, 10 francs; tea, +1 franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2 francs; appartement, +3 francs; running him up a bill of 700 francs; +and when Mr. Stubbs remonstrated on the exorbitance +of the charges, she replied, "It sall be, sare, as small +monnaie as sail be consistent avec my dignified respectability, +you to charge."</p> + +<p>There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs +paid the balance, while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the +duplicity of the Countess, the impudence of Rosembom, +and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted away +without saying a word.</p> + +<p>That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from the +capital, with two cold fowls, three-quarters of a yard +of bread, and a bottle of porter, for Mr. Jorrocks on +the journey, and ere another sun went down, the sandy +suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her ramparts, +and rumbling over the drawbridges and under the portcullis, +that guard the entrance to her gloomy town. +Calais! cold, cheerless, lifeless Calais! Whose soul has +ever warmed as it approached thy town? but how many +hearts have turned with sickening sorrow from the +mirthless tinkling of thy bells!</p> + +<p>"We'll not stay here long I guess," said Mr. Jorrocks +as the diligence pulled up at the post-office, and the conducteur +requested the passengers to descend. "That's +optional," said a bystander, who was waiting for his +letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air as much as +to say, what a rum-looking fellow you are, and not +without reason, for the Colonel was attired in a blue +sailor's jacket, white leathers, and jack-boots, with the +cocked hat and feather. The speaker was a middle-aged, +middle-statured man, with a quick intelligent eye, +dressed in a single-breasted green riding-coat, striped +toilinette waistcoat, and drab trousers, with a whip +in his hand. "Thank you for nothing!" replied Mr. +Jorrocks, eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker +turned to the clerk and asked if there were any letters +for Monsieur Apperley or Nimrod. "NIMROD!" exclaimed +Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his knees as though +he were shot. "Oh my vig what have I done? Oh dear! +oh dear! what a dumbfounderer—flummoxed I declare!"</p> + +<p>"Hold up! old 'un," said Nimrod in astonishment; +"why, what's the matter now? You don't owe me anything +I dare say!"</p> + +<p>"Owe you anything! yes, I does," said Mr. Jorrocks, +rising from the ground, "I owes you a debt of gratitude +that I can never wipe off—you'll be in the day-book and +ledger of my memory for ever and a year."</p> + +<p>"Who are you?" inquired Nimrod, becoming more +and more puzzled, as he contrasted his dialect with his +dress.</p> + +<p>"Who am I? Why, I'm Mister Jorrocks."</p> + +<p>"Jorrocks, by Jove! Who'd have thought it! I declare +I took you for a horse-marine. Give us your +hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your acquaintance."</p> + +<p>"Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you +the werry first man of the age!"—and thereupon they +shook hands with uncommon warmth.</p> + +<p>"You've been in Paris, I suppose," resumed Nimrod, +after their respective digits were released; "were you +much gratified with what you saw? What pleased you +most—the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, Pčre la +Chaise, Notre Dame, or what?"</p> + +<p>"Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may +seem, I saw nothing but the Tuileries and Naughty +Dame.—I may say a werry naughty dame, for she +fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump +to carry me home."</p> + +<p>"What, you've been among the ladies, have you? +That's gay for a man at your time of life."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I certainlie have been among the ladies,—countesses +I may say—but, dash my vig, they are a rum +set, and made me pay for their acquaintance. The +Countess Benwolio certainlie is a bad 'un."</p> + +<p>"Oh, the deuce!—did that old devil catch you?" +inquired Nimrod.</p> + +<p>"Vot, do you know her?"</p> + +<p>"Know her! ay—everybody here knows her with her +black boy. She's always on the road, and lives now by +the flats she catches between Paris and the coast. She +was an agent for Morison's Pills—but having a fractious +Scotch lodger that she couldn't get out, she physicked +him so dreadfully that he nearly died, and the police +took her licence away. But you are hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, +come to my house and spend the evening, and tell me all +about your travels."</p> + +<p>Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just +learned that the London packet sailed in an hour, so +the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts's, Royal Hotel, where +over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their +acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod +was to be in England the following week, insisted upon +his naming a day for dining in Great Coram Street.</p> + +<p>"Permits" to embark having been considerately +granted "gratis" by the Government for a franc apiece, +at the hour of ten our travellers stepped on board, +and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up in his +martial cloak, laid down in the cabin and, like Ulysses +in Ithaca, as Nimrod would say, "arrived in London +Asleep."</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="XI" id="XI"></a> +<h3>XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE"</h3> + +<p><i>(In a very "Familiar Letter" to Nimrod)</i></p> + +<p>DEAR NIMROD,</p> + +<p>You have favoured myself, and the sporting world +at large, with a werry rich high-flavoured account of +the great Captain Barclay, and his extonishing coach, +the "Defiance"; and being werry grateful to you for +that and all other favours, past, present, and to come, +I take up my grey goose quill to make it "obedient +to my will," as Mr. Pope, the poet, says, in relating a +werry gratifying ride I had on the celebrated "Brighton +Age," along with Sir Wincent Cotton, Bart., and a few +other swells. Being, as you knows, of rather an emigrating +disposition, and objecting to make a nick-stick of +my life by marking down each Christmas Day over +roast-beef and plum pudding, cheek-by-jowl with Mrs. +J—— at home, I said unto my lad Binjimin—and +there's not a bigger rogue unhung—"Binjimin, be after +looking out my Sunday clothes, and run down to the +Regent Circus, and book me the box-seat of the 'Age,' +for I'm blow'd if I'm not going to see the King at Brighton +(or 'London-sur-Mary,' as James Green calls it), and +tell the pig-eyed book-keeper it's for Mr. Jorrocks, and +you'll be sure to get it."</p> + +<p>Accordingly, next day, I put in my appearance at +the Circus, dressed in my best blue Saxony coat, with +metal buttons, yellow waistcoat, tights, and best +Hessians, with a fine new castor on my head, and a +carnation in my button-hole. Lots of chaps came +dropping in to go, and every one wanted the box-seat. +"Can I have the box-seat?" said one.—"No, sir; +Mr. Jorrocks has it." "Is the box-seat engaged?" asked +another.—"Yes, sir; Mr. Jorrocks has taken it." "Book +me the box," said a third with great dignity.—"It's +engaged already." "Who by?"—"Mr. Jorrocks"; and +so they went on to the tune of near a dozen. Presently +a rattling of pole chains was heard, and a cry was raised +of "Here's Sir Wincent!" I looks out, and saw a werry +neat, dark, chocolate-coloured coach, with narrow red-striped +wheels, and a crest, either a heagle or a unicorn +(I forgets which), on the door, and just the proprietors' +names below the winder, and "The Age," in large gilt +letters, below the gammon board, drawn by four blood-like, +switch-tailed nags, in beautiful highly polished harness +with brass furniture, without bearing reins—driven +by a swellish-looking young chap, in a long-backed, +rough, claret-coloured benjamin, with fancy-coloured +tyes, and a bunch of flowers in his button-hole—no +coachman or man of fashion, as you knows, being complete +without the flower. There was nothing gammonacious +about the turn-out; all werry neat and 'andsome, +but as plain as plain could be; and there was not even +a bit of Christmas at the 'orses' ears, which I observed +all the other coaches had. Well, down came Sir Wincent, +off went his hat, out came the way-bill, and off he ran +into the office to see what they had for him. "Here, +coachman," says a linen-draper's "elegant extract," +waiting outside, "you've to deliver this (giving him +a parcel) in the Marine Parade the instant you get to +Brighton. It's Miss—— 's bustle, and she'll be waiting +for it to put on to go out to dinner, so you musn't lose +a moment, and you may charge what you like for your +trouble." "Werry well," says Sir Wincent, laughing, +"I'll take care of her bustle. Now, book-keeper, be +awake. Three insides here, and six out. Pray, sir," +touching his hat to me, "are you booked here? Oh! +Mr. Jorrocks, I see. I begs your pardon. Jump up, +then; be lively! what luggage have you?" "Two carpet-bags, +with J. J., Great Coram Street, upon them." +"There, then we'll put them in the front boot, and you'll +have them under you. All right behind? Sit tight!" +Hist! off we go by St. Mertain's Church into the Strand, +to the booking-office there.</p> + +<p>The streets were werry full, but Sir Wincent wormed +his way among the coal-wagons, wans, busses, coaches, +bottom-over-tops,—in wulgar French, "cow sur tate," +as they calls the new patent busses—trucks, cabs, &c., +in a marvellous workmanlike manner, which seemed +the more masterly, inasmuch as the leaders, having +their heads at liberty, poked them about in all directions, +all a mode Francey, just as they do in Paris. At the +Marsh gate we were stopped. A black job was going +through on one side, and a haw-buck had drawn a great +yellow one 'oss Gravesend cruelty wan into the other, +and was fumbling for his coin.</p> + +<p>"Now, Young Omnibus!" cried Sir Wincent, "don't +be standing there all day." The man cut into his nag, +but the brute was about beat. "There, don't 'it him +so 'ard (hard)," said Sir Wincent, "or you may hurt +him!"</p> + +<p>When we got near the Helephant and Castle, Timothy +Odgkinson, of Brixton Hill, a low, underselling grocer, +got his measly errand cart, with his name and address +in great staring white letters, just in advance of the +leaders, and kept dodging across the road to get the +sound ground, for the whole line was werry "woolley" +as you calls it. "Come, Mister independent grocer! go +faster if you can," cries Sir Wincent, "though I think +you have bought your horse where you buy your tea, +for he's werry sloe." A little bit farther on a chap was +shoving away at a truck full of market-baskets. "Now, +Slavey," said he, "keep out of my way!" At the Helephant +and Castle, and, indeed, wherever he stopped, +there were lots of gapers assembled to see the Baronet +coachman, but Sir Wincent never minded them, but +bustled about with his way-bill, and shoved in his +parcels, fish-baskets, and oyster-barrels like a good 'un. +We pulled up to grub at the Feathers at Merstham, +and 'artily glad I was, for I was far on to famish, having +ridden whole twenty-five miles in a cold, frosty air +without morsel of wittles of any sort. When the Bart. +pulled up, he said, "Now, ladies and gentlemen—twenty +minutes allowed here, and let me adwise you to make +the most of it." I took the 'int, and heat away like a +regular bagman, who can always dispatch his ducks +and green peas in ten minutes.</p> + +<p>We started again, and about one hundred yards below +the pike stood a lad with a pair of leaders to clap +on, for the road, as I said before, was werry woolley. +"Now, you see, Mr. Jorrocks," said Sir Wincent, "I +do old Pikey by having my 'osses on this side. The old +screw drew me for four shillings one day for my leaders, +two each way, so, says I, 'My covey, if you don't draw +it a little milder, I'll send my 'osses from the stable +through my friend Sir William Jolliffe's fields to the +other side of your shop,' and as he wouldn't, you see +here they are, and he gets nothing."</p> + +<p>The best of company, they say, must part, and +Baronets "form no exception to the rule," as I once +heard Dr. Birkbeck say. About a mile below the halfway +'ouse another coach hove in sight, and each pulling +up, they proved to be as like each other as two beans, +and beneath a mackintosh, like a tent cover, I twigged +my friend Brackenbury's jolly phiz. "How are you, +Jorrocks?" and "How are you, Brack?" flew across +like billiard-balls, while Sir Wincent, handing me the +ribbons, said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all +a good morning and a pleasant ride," and Brack having +done the same by his coach and passengers, the two +heroes met on terry firmey, as we say in France, to +exchange way-bills and directions about parcels. "Now," +said Sir Wincent, "you'll find Miss——'s bustle under +the front seat—send it off to the Marine Parade the +instant you get in, for she wants it to make herself +up to-night for a party." "By Jove, that's lucky," said +Brackenbury, "for I'll be hanged if I haven't got old +Lady——'s false dinner-set of ivories in my waistcoat +pocket, which I should have forgot if you hadn't mentioned +t'other things, and then the old lady would have +lost her blow-out this Christmas. Here they are," handing +out a small box, "and mind you leave them yourself, +for they tell me they are costly, being all fixed in +coral, with gold springs, and I don't know what—warranted +to eat of themselves, they say." "She has +lost her modesty with her teeth, it seems," said Sir +Wincent. "Old women ought to be ashamed to be +seen out of their graves after their grinders are gone. +I'll pound it the old tabby carn't be under one hundred. +But quick! who does that d——d parrot and the cock-a-too +belong to that you've got stuck up there? and look, +there's a canary and all! I'll be d——d if you don't bring +me a coach loaded like Wombwell's menagerie every +day! Well, be lively! 'Twill be all the same one hundred +years hence.—All right? Sit tight! Good night!"</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Jorrocks, it's long since we met," said +Brackenbury, looking me over—"never, I think, since +I showed you way over the Weald of Sussex from +Torrington Wood, on the gallant wite with the Colonel's +'ounds! Ah, those were rare days, Mr. Jorrocks! we +shall never see their like again! But you're looking +fresh. Time lays a light hand on your bearing-reins! I +hope it will be long ere you are booked by the Gravesend +Buss. You don't lush much, I fancy?" added he, +putting a lighted cigar in his mouth. "Yes, I does," +said I—"a good deal; but I tells you what, Brackenbury, +I doesn't fumigate none—it's the fumigation that +does the mischief," and thereupon we commenced a +hargument on the comparitive mischief of smoking and +drinking, which ended without either being able to +convince the other. "Well, at all events, you gets beefey, +Brackenbury," said I; "you must be a couple of stone +heavier than when we used to talliho the 'ounds together. +I think I could lead you over the Weald now, +at all ewents if the fences were out of the way," for +I must confess that Brack was always a terrible +chap at the jumps, and could go where few would +follow.</p> + +<p>We did the journey within the six hours—werry good +work, considering the load and the state of the roads. +No coach like the "Age"—in my opinion. I was so werry +much pleased with Brack's driving, that I presented +him with a four-in-hand whip.</p> + +<p>I put up at Jonathan Boxall's, the Star and Garter, +one of the pleasantest and best-conducted houses in all +Brighton. It is close to the sea, and just by Mahomed, +the sham-poor's shop. I likes Jonathan, for he is a +sportsman, and we spin a yarn together about 'unting, +and how he used to ride over the moon when he whipped +in to St. John, in Berkshire. But it's all talk with Jonathan +now, for he's more like a stranded grampus now +than a fox-hunter. In course I brought down a pair of +kickseys and pipe-cases, intending to have a round +with the old muggers, but the snow put a stop to all +that. I heard, however, that both the Telscombe Tye +and the Devil's Dike dogs had been running their half-crown +rounds after hares, some of which ended in "captures," +others in "escapes," as the newspapers terms +them. I dined at the Albion on Christmas Day, and +most misfortunately, my appetite was ready before the +joints, so I had to make my dinner off Mary Ann cutlets, +I think they call them, that is to say, chops screwed up +in large curl papers, and such-like trifles. I saw some +chaps drinking small glasses of stuff, so I asked the waiter +what it was, and, thinking he said "Elixir of Girls," I +banged the table, and said, "Elixir of Girls! that's the +stuff for my money—give me a glass." The chap laughed, +and said, "Not Girls, sir, but Garus"; and thereupon he +gave another great guffaw.</p> + +<p>It is a capital coffee-room, full of winders, and finely-polished +tables, waiters in silk stockings, and they give +spermaceti cheese, and burn Parmesan candles. The +chaps in it, however, were werry unsociable, and there +wasn't a man there that I would borrow half a crown to +get drunk with. Stickey is the landlord, but he does not +stick it in so deep as might be expected from the looks +of the house, and the cheese and candles considered. +It was a most tempestersome night, and, having eaten +and drank to completion, I determined to go and see +if my aunt, in Cavendish Street, was alive; and after +having been nearly blown out to France several times, +I succeeded in making my point and running to ground. +The storm grew worser and worser, and when I came to +open the door to go away, I found it blocked with +snow, and the drifts whirling about in all directions. +My aunt, who is a werry feeling woman, insisted on +my staying all night, which only made the matter +worse, for when I came to look out in the morning I +found the drift as high as the first floor winder, and the +street completely buried in snow. Having breakfasted, +and seeing no hopes of emancipation, I hangs out a flag +of distress—a red wipe—which, after flapping about for +some time, drew three or four sailors and a fly-man or +two. I explained from the winder how dreadfully I was +situated, prayed of them to release me, but the wretches +did nothing but laugh, and ax wot I would give to be +out. At last one of them, who acted as spokesman, proposed +that I should put an armchair out of the winder, +and pay them five shillings each for carrying me home +on their shoulders. It seemed a vast of money, but the +storm continuing, the crowd increasing, and I not wishing +to kick up a row at my aunt's, after offering four +and sixpence, agreed to their terms, and throwing out +a chair, plumped up to the middle in a drift. Three +cheers followed the feat, which drew all the neighbours +to the winders, when about half a dozen fellows, some +drunk, some sober, and some half-and-half, pulled me +into the chair, hoisted me on to their shoulders, and +proceeded into St. James's Street, bellowing out, "Here's +the new member for Brighton! Here's the boy wot sleeps +in Cavendish Street! Huzzah, the old 'un for ever! There's +an elegant man for a small tea-party! Who wants a +fat chap to send to their friends this Christmas?" The +noise they made was quite tremendious, and the snow +in many places being up to their middles, we made +werry slow progress, but still they would keep me in +the chair, and before we got to the end of the street +the crowd had increased to some hundreds. Here they +began snow-balling, and my hat and wig soon went +flying, and then there was a fresh holloa. "Here's +Mr. Wigney, the member for Brighton," they cried +out; "I say, old boy, are you for the ballot? You must +call on the King this morning; he wants to give you a +Christmas-box." Just then one of the front bearers +tumbled, and down we all rolled into a drift, just +opposite Daly's backey shop. There were about twenty +of us in together, but being pretty near the top, I was +soon on my legs, and seeing an opening, I bolted right +forward—sent three or four fellows flying—dashed down +the passage behind Saxby's wine vaults, across the +Steyne, floundering into the drifts, followed by the +mob, shouting and pelting me all the way. This double +made some of the beggars over-shoot the mark, and +run past the statute of George the Fourth, but, seeing +their mistake, or hearing the other portion of the pack +running in the contrary direction, they speedily joined +heads and tails, and gave me a devil of a burst up the +narrow lane by the Wite 'Orse 'Otel. Fortunately Jonathan +Boxall's door was open, and Jonathan himself in +the passage bar, washing some decanters. "Look sharp, +Jonathan!" said I, dashing past him as wite as a miller, +"look sharp! come out of that, and be after clapping +your great carcase against the door to keep the Philistines +out, or they'll be the death of us both." Quick as +thought the door was closed and bolted before ever the +leaders had got up, but, finding this the case, the mob +halted and proceeded to make a deuce of a kick-up before +the house, bellowing and shouting like mad fellows, +and threatening to pull it down if I did not show. Jonathan +got narvous, and begged and intreated me to +address them. I recommended him to do it himself, +but he said he was quite unaccustomed to public speaking, +and he would stand two glasses of "cold without" +if I would. "Hot with," said I, "and I'll do it." "Done," +said he, and he knocked the snow off my coat, pulled +my wig straight, and made me look decent, and took +me to a bow-winder'd room on the first floor, threw up; +the sash, and exhibited me to the company outside. I +bowed and kissed my hand like a candidate. They +cheered and shouted, and then called for silence whilst; +I addressed them. "Gentlemen," said I, "Who are you?" +"Why, we be the men wot carried your honour's glory +from Cavendish Street, and wants to be paid for it."; +"Gentlemen," said I, "I'm no orator, but I'm a honest +man; I pays everybody twenty shillings in the pound. +and no mistake (cheers). If you had done your part of +the bargain, I would have done mine, but 'ow can you +expect to be paid after spilling me? This is a most +inclement day, and, whatever you may say to the +contrary, I'm not Mr. Clement Wigney."—"No, nor +Mr. Faithful neither," bellowed one of the bearers.—said +I, "you'll get the complaints of the +season, chilblains and influhensa, if you stand dribbling +there in the snow. Let me advise you to mizzle, for, if +you don't, I'm blowed if I don't divide a whole jug of +cold water equally amongst you. Go home to your wives +and children, and don't be after annoying an honest, +independent, amiable publican, like Jonathan Boxall. +That's all I've got to say, and if I was to talk till I'm +black in the face, I couldn't say nothing more to the +purpose; so, I wishes you all 'A Merry Christmas and +an 'Appy New Year.'"</p> + +<p>But I'm fatiguing you, Mr. Nimrod, with all this, +which is only hinteresting to the parties concerned, so +will pass on to other topics. I saw the King riding in +his coach with his Sunday coat on. He looked werry +well, but his nose was rather blueish at the end, a sure +sign that he is but a mortal, and feels the cold just like +any other man. The Queen did not show, but I saw some +of her maids of honour, who made me think of the +Richmond cheesecakes. There were a host of pretty +ladies, and the cold gave a little colour to their noses, +too, which, I think, improved their appearance wastly, +for I've always remarked that your ladies of quality +are rather pasty, and do not generally show their high +blood in their cheeks and noses. I'm werry fond of +looking at pretty girls, whether maids of 'onour or +maids of all work.</p> + +<p>The storm stopped all wisiting, and even the Countess +of Winterton's ball was obliged to be put off. Howsomever, +that did not interfere at all with Jonathan Boxall +and me, except that it, perhaps, made us take a bottom +of brandy more than usual, particularly after Jonathan +had run over again one of his best runs.</p> + +<p>Now, dear Nimrod, adieu. Whenever you comes over +to England, I shall be werry 'appy to see you in Great +Coram Street, where dinner is on the table punctually +at five on week days, and four on Sundays; and +with best regards to Mrs. Nimrod, and all the little +Nimrods,</p> + +<p>I remain, for Self and Co., yours to serve,</p> + +<p>JOHN JORROCKS.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="XII" id="XII"></a> +<h3>XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY</h3> + +<p>The general postman had given the final flourish to +his bell, and the muffin-girl had just begun to tinkle +hers, when a capacious yellow hackney-coach, with a +faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down Great +Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door.</p> + +<p>Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the +area bell, after giving the usual three knocks and a +half to the brass lion's head on the door, it was opened +by the boy Benjamin in a new drab coat, with a blue +collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, +and black velveteen breeches, with well-darned white +cotton stockings.</p> + +<p>The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, +where he had been acting the part of butler, for which +purpose he had put off his coat and appeared in his shirtsleeves, +dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze silk +stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with +a frill as large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and +corkscrew to Betsey, he shuffled himself into a smart +new blue saxony coat with velvet collar and metal +buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the +arrivers.</p> + +<p>"Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so +'appy to see you—so werry 'appy you carn't think," +holding out both hands to the foremost, who happened +to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I declare +it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod? Most +proud to see you at my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, +my boy, 'ow do you do? Never knew you late in my +life," giving him a hearty slap on the back. "Mr. Spiers, +I'm werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting +publisher ought to be—punctuality itself. Now, +gentlemen, dispose of your tiles, and come upstairs to +Mrs. J——, and let's get you introduced." +"I fear we are late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed Nimrod, +advancing past the staircase end to hang up his hat +on a line of pegs against the wall.</p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks—"not a bit +of it—quite the contrary—you are the first, in fact!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of hats +by where he stood—"why here are as many hats as +would set up a shop. I really thought I'd got into +Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake!"</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Happerley, +werry good indeed—I owes you one."</p> + +<p>"I thought it was a castor-oil mill," rejoined Mr. +Spiers.</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry +good indeed—owes you one also—but I see what +you're driving at. You think these hats have a coconut +apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing +I assure you; no such thing. The fact is, they are what +I've won at warious times of the members of our hunt, +and as I've got you great sporting coves dining with +me, I'm a-going to set them out on my sideboard, just +as racing gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you +know. Binjimin! I say, Binjimin! you blackguard," +holloaing down the kitchen stairs, "why don't you set +out the castors as I told you? and see you brush them +well!" "Coming, sir, coming, sir!" replied Benjamin, +from below, who at that moment was busily engaged, +taking advantage of Betsey's absence, in scooping marmalade +out of a pot with his thumb. "There's a good +lot of them," said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, +"four, six, eight, ten, twelve, thirteen—all trophies +of sporting prowess. Real good hats. None o' your +nasty gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile!" said +he, balancing a nice new white one with green rims on +the tip of his finger. "I won that in a most miraculous +manner. A most wonderful way, in fact. I was driving +to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled one-'oss +chay, and just as I got to Lilleywhite, the blacksmith's, +below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain—a +'gulph' I may call it—across the road for the purpose +of repairing the gas-pipe—I was rayther late as it was, +for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was nothing +for me but either to go a mile and a half about, or +drive slap over the gulph. Well, I looked at it, and +the more I looked at it the less I liked it; but just as +I was thinking I had seen enough of it, and was going +to turn away, up tools Timothy Truman in his buggy, +and he, too, began to crane and look into the abyss—and +a terrible place it was, I assure you—quite frightful, +and he liked it no better than myself. Seeing this, +I takes courage, and said, 'Why, Tim, your 'oss will +do it!' 'Thank'e, Mr. J——,' said he, 'I'll follow you.' +'Then,' said I, 'if you'll change wehicles'—for, mind +ye, I had no notion of damaging my own—'I'll bet you +a hat I gets over.' 'Done,' said he, and out he got; so +I takes his 'oss by the head, looses the bearing-rein, +and leading him quietly up to the place and letting him +have a look at it, gave him a whack over the back, and +over he went, gig and all, as clever as could be!"</p> + +<p><i>Stubbs</i>. Well done, Mr. J——, you are really a most +wonderful man! You have the most extraordinary +adventures of any man breathing—but what did you +do with your own machine?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Oh! you see, I just turned round to Binjimin, +who was with me, and said, You may go home, and, +getting into Timothy's buggy, I had my ride for nothing, +and the hat into the bargain. A nice hat it is too—regular +beaver—a guinea's worth at least. All true +what I've told you, isn't it, Binjimin?</p> + +<p>"Quite!" replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to +his nose, and spreading his fingers like a fan as he slunk +behind his master.</p> + +<p>"But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, "let's +be after going upstairs.—Binjimin, announce the gentlemen +as your missis taught you. Open the door with +your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, to +let the company see the point to make up to."</p> + +<p>The party ascend the stairs one at a time, for the +flight is narrow and rather abrupt, and Benjamin, +obeying his worthy master's injunctions, threw open +the front drawing-room door, and discovered Mrs. +Jorrocks sitting in state at a round table, with annuals +and albums spread at orthodox distances around. The +possession of this room had long been a bone of contention +between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but at length +they had accommodated matters by Mr. Jorrocks gaining +undivided possession of the back drawing-room +(communicating by folding-doors), with the run of the +front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on non-company +days. A glance, however, showed which was the master's +and which the mistress's room. The front one was +papered with weeping willows, bending under the weight +of ripe cherries on a white ground, and the chair +cushions were covered with pea-green cotton velvet +with yellow worsted bindings.</p> + +<p>The round table was made of rosewood, and there +was a "whatnot" on the right of the fire-place of similar +material, containing a handsomely-bound collection of +Sir Walter Scott's Works, in wood. The carpet-pattern +consisted of most dashing bouquets of many-coloured +flowers, in winding French horns on a very light drab +ground, so light, indeed, that Mr. Jorrocks was never +allowed to tread upon it except in pumps or slippers. +The bell-pulls were made of foxes' brushes, and in the +frame of the looking-glass, above the white marble +mantelpiece, were stuck visiting-cards, notes of invitation, +thanks for "obliging inquiries," etc. The hearth-rug +exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with pink eyes, +on a blue ground, with a flossy green border; and the +fender and fire-irons were of shining brass. On the +wall, immediately opposite the fire-place, was a portrait +of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, so unlike her +present self that no one would have taken it for her. +The back drawing-room, which looked out upon the +gravel walk and house-backs beyond, was papered with +broad scarlet and green stripes in honour of the Surrey +Hunt uniform, and was set out with a green-covered +library table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting-chair +between it and the window, and several good +strong hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the walls. +The table had a very literary air, being strewed with +sporting magazines, odd numbers of <i>Bell's Life</i>, +pamphlets, and papers of various descriptions, while +on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were ten lines +of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in +coming from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had +been hammering for some time. On the side opposite +the fire-place, on a hanging range of mahogany shelves, +were ten volumes of <i>Bell's Life in London</i>, the <i>New +Sporting Magazine</i>, bound gilt and lettered, the +<i>Memoirs of Harriette Wilson, Boxiana</i>, Taplin's <i>Farriery</i>, +Nimrod's <i>Life of Mytton</i>, and a backgammon board that +Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a history of +England.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in state +at the far side of the round table, on a worsted-worked +ottoman exhibiting a cock pheasant on a white ground, +and was fanning herself with a red-and-white paper fan, +and turning over the leaves of an annual. How Mr. +Jorrocks happened to marry her, no one could ever +divine, for she never was pretty, had very little money, +and not even a decent figure to recommend her. It was +generally supposed at the time, that his brother Joe +and he having had a deadly feud about a bottom piece +of muffin, the lady's friends had talked him into the +match, in the hopes of his having a family to leave his +money to, instead of bequeathing it to Joe or his children. +Certain it is, they never were meant for each other; +Mr. Jorrocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature +and impulse, while Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and +affectation. To describe her accurately is more than we +can pretend to, for she looked so different in different +dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not +recognise her. Her face was round, with a good strong +brick-dust sort of complexion, a turn-up nose, eyes +that were grey in one light and green in another, and +a middling-sized mouth, with a double chin below. +Mr. Jorrocks used to say that she was "warranted" +to him as twelve years younger than himself, but many +people supposed the difference of age between them +was not so great. Her stature was of the middle height, +and she was of one breadth from the shoulders to the +heels. She was dressed in a flaming scarlet satin gown, +with swan's-down round the top, as also at the arms, +and two flounces of the same material round the bottom. +Her turban was of green velvet, with a gold fringe, +terminating in a bunch over the left side, while a bird-of-paradise +inclined towards the right. Across her forehead +she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured glass +butterfly (a present from James Green), and her neck, +arms, waist (at least what ought to have been her +waist) were hung round and studded with mosaic-gold +chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc., looking +for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's shop, or +the lump of beef that Sinbad the sailor threw into the +Valley of Diamonds. In the right of a gold band round +her middle, was an immense gold watch, with a bunch +of mosaic seals appended to a massive chain of the same +material; and a large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when +he was a young man, with his hair stiffly curled, occupied +a place on her left side. On her right arm dangled a +green velvet bag with a gold cord, out of which one +of Mr. Jorrocks's silk handkerchiefs protruded, while a +crumpled, yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace +fringe, lay at her side.</p> + +<p>On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, +sat her niece Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), +a nice laughing pretty girl of sixteen, with languishing +blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn-up" order, +beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and +a gracefully moulded figure. She had just left one of +the finishing and polishing seminaries in the neighbourhood +of Bromley, where, for two hundred a year and +upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life are +taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had already +appropriated her to James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, +on the other hand, had assigned her to Stubbs. Belinda's +dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair hung in shining +tresses down her smiling face, confined by a plain tortoiseshell +comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band +before. Round her swan-like neck was a plain white +cornelian necklace; and her well-washed white muslin +frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing behind in a bow, +met in simple folds across her swelling bosom. Black +sandal shoes confined her fairy feet, and with French +cotton stockings, completed her toilette. Belinda, though +young, was a celebrated eastern beauty, and there was +not a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael Scales +downwards, but what eyed her with delight as she +passed along from Shoreditch on her daily walk.</p> + +<p>The presentations having been effected, and the heat +of the day, the excellence of the house, the cleanliness +of Great Coram Street—the usual topics, in short, when +people know nothing of each other—having been discussed, +our party scattered themselves about the room +to await the pleasing announcement of dinner. Mr. +Jorrocks, of course, was in attendance upon Nimrod, +while Mr. Stubbs made love to Belinda behind Mrs. +Jorrocks.</p> + +<p>Presently a loud long-protracted "rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +rat-tat-tat-tat-tan," at the street door sounded through +the house, and Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, exclaimed, +"By Jingo! there's Green. No man knocks with +such wigorous wiolence as he does. All Great Coram +Street and parts adjacent know when he comes. Julius +Caesar himself couldn't kick up a greater row." "What +Green is it, Green of Rollestone?" inquired Nimrod, +thinking of his Leicestershire friend. "No," said Mr. +Jorrocks, "Green of Tooley Street. You'll have heard +of the Greens in the borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, +hop, and hide) merchants—numerous family, numerous +as the 'airs in my vig. This is James Green, jun., whose +father, old James Green, jun., <i>verd antique</i>, as I calls him, +is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the 'emp +line, and James is own cousin to young old James Green, +sen., whose father is in the 'ide line." The remainder +of the pedigree was lost by Benjamin throwing open +the door and announcing Mr. Green; and Jemmy, who +had been exchanging his cloth boots for patent-leather +pumps, came bounding upstairs like a racket-ball. "My +dear Mrs. Jorrocks," cried he, swinging through the +company to her, "I'm delighted to see you looking so +well. I declare you are fifty per cent younger than you +were. Belinda, my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks, my +friend, 'ow do ye do?"</p> + +<p>"Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands +with him most cordially, "I'm werry well, indeed, and +delighted to see you. Now let me present you to Nimrod."</p> + +<p>"Ay, Nimrod!" said Green, in his usual flippant style, +with a nod of his head, "'ow are ye, Nimrod? I've heard +of you, I think—Nimrod Brothers and Co., bottle +merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it?"</p> + +<p>"No," said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown—Happerley +Nimrod, the great sporting hauthor."</p> + +<p>"True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted, "I've +heard of him—Nimrod—the mighty 'unter before the +lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. Stubbs, 'ow are ye?" +nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself on +to a chair on the other side of Belinda.</p> + +<p>As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His curly +flaxen wig projected over his forehead like the roof of +a Swiss cottage, and his pointed gills were supported +by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad front and +black frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His +coat was light green, with archery buttons, made very +wide at the hips, with which he sported a white waistcoat, +bright yellow ochre leather trousers, pink silk +stockings, and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he +carried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most +powerfully of musk; and a pair of dirty wristbands +drew the eye to sundry dashing rings upon his fingers.</p> + +<p>Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine-merchant, +a member of the Surrey Hunt, being announced +and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared herself faint from +the heat of the room, and begged to be excused for a +few minutes. Nimrod, all politeness, was about to offer +her his arm, but Mr. Jorrocks pulled him back, whispering, +"Let her go, let her go." "The fact is," said he in +an undertone after she was out of hearing, "it's a way +Mrs. J—— has when she wants to see that dinner's all +right. You see she's a terrible high-bred woman, being +a cross between a gentleman-usher and a lady's-maid, +and doesn't like to be supposed to look after these +things, so when she goes, she always pretend to faint. +You'll see her back presently," and, just as he spoke, +in she came with a half-pint smelling-bottle at her nose. +Benjamin followed immediately after, and throwing +open the door proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, that +"dinner was sarved," upon which the party all started +on their legs.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. Happerley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks, +"you'll trot Mrs. J—— down—according to the book +of etiquette, you know, giving her the wall side.<a id="footnotetag25" name="footnotetag25"></a><a href="#footnote25"><sup>25</sup></a> Sorry, +gentlemen, I havn't ladies apiece for you, but my +sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayther small, +besides which I never like to dine more than eight. +Stubbs, my boy, Green and you must toss up for Belinda—here's +a halfpenny, and let be 'Newmarket'<a id="footnotetag26" name="footnotetag26"></a><a href="#footnote26"><sup>26</sup></a> if you +please. Wot say you? a voman! Stubbs wins!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as the halfpenny fell head downwards. +"Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, and James and +I will whip in to you. But stop, gentlemen!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the stairs, "let +me make one request—that you von't eat the windmill +you'll see on the centre of the table. Mrs. Jorrocks has +hired it for the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the confectioner, +in Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or +three evening parties after it leaves this." "Lauk, John! +how wulgar you are. What matter can it make to your +friends where the windmill comes from!" exclaimed +Mrs. Jorrocks in an audible voice from below, Nimrod, +with admirable skill, having piloted her down the straights +and turns of the staircase. Having squeezed herself +between the backs of the chairs and the wall, Mrs. +Jorrocks at length reached the head of the table, and +with a bump of her body and wave of her hand motioned +Nimrod to take the seat on her right. Green then pushed +past Belinda and Stubbs, and took the place on Mrs. +Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous manoeuvre, +placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda +between himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then +filled the vacant places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers +facing Mr. Stubbs.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote25" name="footnote25"></a><b>Footnote 25:</b><a href="#footnotetag25"> (return) </a> "In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady the +wall in going downstairs," etc,—<i>Spirit of Etiquette.</i></blockquote> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote26" name="footnote26"></a><b>Footnote 26:</b><a href="#footnotetag26"> (return) </a> "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is <i>one</I> +toss."—<i>Bell's Life.</i></blockquote> + +<p>The dining-room was the breadth of the passage +narrower than the front drawing-room, and, as Mr. +Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small—but the table +being excessively broad, made the room appear less +than it was. It was lighted up with spermaceti candles +in silver holders, one at each corner of the table, and +there was a lamp in the wall between the red-curtained +windows, immediately below a brass nail, on which +Mr. Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch of +boot garters were hung. Two more candles in the hands +of bronze Dianas on the marble mantelpiece, lighted +up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John Warde +on Blue Ruin; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse +Undertaker, with his hounds and men, occupied a +frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned cellaret +sideboard, against the wall at the end, supported a +large bright-burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round +the rim, whose effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over +eight black hats and two white ones, whereof the four +middle ones were decorated with evergreens and foxes' +brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered. +There was scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen on +any part. In the centre stood a magnificent finely spun +barley-sugar windmill, two feet and a half high, with a +spacious sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and +two or three millers at the door, and a she-miller working +a ball-dress flounce at a lower window.</p> + +<p>The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course +—everything, in fact, except dessert—was on the table, +as we sometimes see it at ordinaries and public dinners. +Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were two great +tureens of mock-turtle soup, each capable of holding +a gallon, and both full up to the brim. Then there were +two sorts of fish; turbot and lobster sauce, and a great +salmon. A round of boiled beef and an immense piece +of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to march on +the disappearance of the fish and soup—and behind the +walls, formed by the beef of old England, came two dishes +of grouse, each dish holding three brace. The side dishes +consisted of a calf's head hashed, a leg of mutton, +chickens, ducks, and mountains of vegetables; and round +the windmill were plum-puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, +and puffs.</p> + +<p>Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood "Batsay" with a +fine brass-headed comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets +down her ruddy cheeks. She was dressed in a green silk +gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr. Jorrocks's +lavender and white coloured silk pocket-handkerchiefs +made into an apron. "Binjimin" stood with the door in +his hand, as the saying is, with a towel twisted round +his thumb, as though he had cut it.</p> + +<p>"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his +eye up the table, as soon as they had all got squeezed +and wedged round it, and the dishes were uncovered, +"you see your dinner, eat whatever you like except +the windmill—hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with +what's on—would have had more but Mrs. J—— is so +werry fine, she won't stand two joints of the same sort +on the table."</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. J.</i> Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar! Who +ever saw two rounds of beef, as you wanted to have? +Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will excuse any little +defishency, considering the short notice we have had, +and that this is not an elaborate dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Spiers.</i> I'm sure, ma'm, there's no de<i>fish</i>ency at +all. Indeed, I think there's as much fish as would serve +double the number—and I'm sure you look as if you +had your soup "on sale or return," as we say in the +magazine line.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J.</i> Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers. I +owe you one. Not bad soup though—had it from +Birch's. Let me send you some; and pray lay into it, +or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. Happerley, let +me send you some—and, gentlemen, let me observe, +once for all, that there's every species of malt liquor +under the side table. Prime stout, from the Marquess +Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my friend +Crane there calls lamen<i>table</i>—he says, because it's so +werry small—but, in truth, because I don't buy it of +him. There's all sorts of drench, in fact, except water—thing +I never touch—rots one's shoes, don't know +what it would do with one's stomach if it was to get +there. Mr. Crane, you're eating nothing. I'm quite +shocked to see you; you don't surely live upon hair? +Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. +Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshireman take care of +you? Who's for some salmon?—bought at Luckey's, +and there's both Tallyho and Tantivy sarce to eat with +it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder after +eating these sarces with fish. Mr. Happerley Nimrod, +you are the greatest man at table, consequently I axes +you to drink wine first, according to the book of etiquette—help +yourself, sir. Some of Crane's particklar, hot and +strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin de +beaume) or rot-gut French stuff—hope you like it—if +you don't, pray speak your mind freely, now that we +have Crane among us. Binjimin, get me some of that +duck before Mr. Spiers, a leg and a wing, if you please, +sir, and a bit of the breast.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Spiers.</i> Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer +a right or left wing, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Jorrocks.</i> Oh, either. I suppose it's all the same.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Spiers.</i> Why no, sir, it's not exactly all the +same; for it happens there is only one remaining, therefore +it must be the <i>left</i> one.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J.</i> (chuckling). Haw! haw! haw! Mr. S——, +werry good that—werry good indeed. I owes you two.</p> + +<p>"I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you +please," says Crane, handing his plate round the +windmill.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers, who +had just filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's nothing left +but the neck," holding it up on the fork.</p> + +<p>"Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane; "neck or nothing, +you know, Mr. Jorrocks, as we say with the Surrey."</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw!" grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is +busy sucking a bone; "haw! hawl haw! werry good, +Crane, werry good—owes you one. Now, gentlemen," +added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, +"let me adwise ye, before you attack the grouse, to +take the hedge (edge) off your appetites, or else there +won't be enough, and, you know, it does not do to eat +the farmer after the gentlemen. Let's see, now—three +and three are six, six brace among eight—oh dear, +that's nothing like enough. I wish, Mrs. J——, you had +followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And now, +Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your +clumsiness, you little dirty rascal! Why von't you let +Batsay arrange the table? Thank you, Mr. Crane, for +your assistance—your politeness, sir, exceeds your +beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, +and Jorrocks throws down his knife and fork in an +agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear, there's that cursed horgan +again. It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and +kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no +man suffers so much from music as I do. I wish I had +a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I might throw one +at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. +I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. +Mr. Nimrod, pray take another glass of wine after your +roast beef.—Well, with Mrs. J—— if you choose, but +I'll join you—always says that you are the werry +cleverest man of the day—read all your writings—anny-tommy +(anatomy) of gaming, and all. Am a +hauthor myself, you know—once set to, to write a +werry long and elaborate harticle on scent, but after +cudgelling my brains, and turning the thing over and +over again in my mind, all that I could brew on the +subject was, that scent was a werry rum thing; nothing +rummer than scent, except a woman."</p> + +<p>"Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as +she spoke, "don't let us have any of your low-lifed +stable conversation here—you think to show off before +the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself you talk +about what we don't understand. Now, I'll be bound +to say, with all your fine sporting hinformation, you +carn't tell me whether a mule brays or neighs!"</p> + +<p>"Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr. +Jorrocks, considering. "I'll lay I can!"</p> + +<p>"Which, then?" inquired Mrs. Jorrocks.</p> + +<p>"Vy, I should say it brayed."</p> + +<p>"Mule bray!" cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her hands +with delight, "there's a cockney blockhead for you! It +brays, does it?"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Jorrocks. </i>I meant to say, neighed.</p> + +<p>"Ho! ho! ho!" grinned Mrs. J——, "neighs, does +it? You are a nice man for a fox-'unter—a mule neighs—thought +I'd catch you some of these odd days with +your wain conceit."</p> + +<p>"Vy, what does it do then?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, +his choler rising as he spoke. "I hopes, at all ewents, +he don't make the 'orrible noise you do."</p> + +<p>"Why, it screams, you great hass!" rejoined his +loving spouse.</p> + +<p>A single, but very resolute knock at the street door, +sounding quite through the house, stopped all further +ebullition, and Benjamin, slipping out, held a short +conversation with someone in the street, and returned.</p> + +<p>"What's happened now, Binjimin?" inquired Mr. +Jorrocks, with anxiety on his countenance, as the boy +re-entered the room; "the 'osses arn't amiss, I 'ope?"</p> + +<p>"Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for +the windmill—he says you've had it two hours," +replied Benjamin.</p> + +<p>"The deuce be with Mr. Farrell's young man! he +does not suppose we can part with the mill before the +cloth's drawn—tell him to mizzle, or I'll mill him. +'Now's the day and now's the hour'; who's for some +grouse? Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But first +of all let's have a round robin. Pass the wine, gentlemen. +What wine do you take, Stubbs."</p> + +<p>"Why, champagne is good enough for me."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Jorrocks,</i> I dare say; but if you wait till you +get any here, you will have a long time to stop. Shampain, +indeed! had enough of that nonsense abroad—declare +you young chaps drink shampain like hale. +There's red and wite port, and sherry, in fact, and them +as carn't drink, they must go without.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>X. was expensive and soon became poor,</p> +<p>Y. was the wise man and kept want from the door.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Now for the grouse!" added he, as the two beefs +disappeared, and they took their stations at the top +and bottom of the table. "Fine birds, to be sure! +Hope you havn't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so +as not to be able to do justice to them—smell high—werry +good—gamey, in fact. Binjimin. take an 'ot +plate to Mr. Nimrod—sarve us all round with them."</p> + +<p>The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, +little execution was done upon the pastry, and the +jellies had all melted long before it came to their turn +to be eat. At length everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, +appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks +was succeeded by the din of tongues and the ringing +of glasses, as the eaters refreshed themselves with wine +or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being handed about +on plates, according to the <i>Spirit of Etiquette</i>. Binjimin +and Batsay at length cleared the table, lifted off +the windmill, and removed the cloth. Mr. Jorrocks then +delivered himself of a most emphatic grace.</p> + +<p>The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the +ceremony of drinking healths all round was performed. +"Your good health, Mrs. J——.—Belinda, my loove, your +good health—wish you a good 'usband.—Nimrod, your +good health.—James Green, your good health.—Old +<i>verd antique's</i> good health.—Your uncle's good health.—All +the Green family.—Stubbs, your good health.—Spiers, +Crane, etc." The bottles then pass round three +times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks makes +them pay toll. The fourth time she let them pass; +and Jorrocks began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick +the leg of the table, by way of giving her a hint to +depart. This caused a dead silence, which at length +was broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming "horrid +pause!"</p> + +<p>"Horrid paws!" vociferated Mrs. J——, in a towering +rage, "so would yours, let me tell you, sir, if you had +helped to cook all that dinner": and gathering herself +up and repeating the words "horrid paws, indeed, +I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room like +an exasperated turkey-cock; her face, from heat, anger, +and the quantity she had drank, being as red as her gown. +Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she had been +put into a furnace and blown red hot. Jorrocks having +got rid of his "worser half," as he calls her, let out a +reef or two of his acre of white waistcoat, and each man +made himself comfortable according to his acceptation +of the term. "Gentlemen," says Jorrocks, "I'll trouble +you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps off—a bumper +toast—no skylights, if you please. Crane, pass the +wine—you are a regular old stop-bottle—a turnpike +gate, in fact. I think you take back hands—gentlemen, +are you all charged?—then I'll give you THE NOBLE +SPORT OF FOX-'UNTING! gentlemen, with three times +three, and Crane will give the 'ips—all ready—now, ip, +'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza—'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, +'uzza—'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza.—one cheer more, +'UZZA!" After this followed "The Merry Harriers," +then came "The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, +and bad luck to Cheatum," all bumpers; when Jorrocks, +having screwed his courage up to the sticking-place, +called for another, which being complied with, he rose +and delivered himself as follows:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I +am now about to propose—I feel—I feel—(Yorkshireman—'very +queer?') J—— No, not verry queer, and +I'll trouble you to hold your jaw (laughter). Gentlemen, +I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about +to give, I feel—I feel—(Crane—'werry nervous?') J—— No, +not werry nervous, so none of your nonsense; let +me alone, I say. I say, in rising to propose the toast +which I am about to give, I feel—(Mr. Spiers—'very +foolish?' Nimrod—'very funny?' Crane—'werry +rum?') J—— No, werry proud of the distinguished +honour that has been conferred upon me—conferred upon +me—conferred upon me—distinguished honour that has +been conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of +one of the most distinguished men—distinguished men—by +the presence, this day, of one of the most distinguished +men and sportsmen—of modern times (cheers.) +Gentlemen—this is the proudest moment of my life! the +eyes of England are upon us! I give you the health of +Mr. Happerley Nimrod." (Drunk with three times three.)</p> + +<p>When the cheering, and dancing of the glasses had +somewhat subsided, Nimrod rose and spoke as follows:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Jorrocks, and gentlemen",</p> + +<p>"The handsome manner in which my health has been +proposed by our worthy and estimable host, and the +flattering reception it has met with from you, merit +my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be +unworthy of the land which gave me birth, were I +insensible of the honour which has just been done me +by so enlightened and distinguished an assembly as +the present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased +to designate me as one of the most distinguished sportsmen +of the day, a title, however, to which I feel I have +little claim: but this I may say, that I have portrayed +our great national sports in their brightest and most +glowing colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen +shall yield to none (cheers). I have ever been the decided +advocate of many sports and exercises, not only on +account of the health and vigour they inspire, but +because I feel that they are the best safeguards on a +nation's energies, and the best protection against luxury, +idleness, debauchery, and effeminacy (cheers). The +authority of all history informs us, that the energies +of countries flourished whilst manly sports have +flourished, and decayed as they died away (cheers). +What says Juvenal, when speaking of the entry of +luxury into Rome?"</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Saevior armis</p> +<p>Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the +writings of Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for +evidence of the value they have all attached to the +encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, +and the evils produced by a degenerate and effeminate +life on the manners and characters of a people (cheers). +Many of the most eminent literary characters of this and +of other countries have been ardently attached to field +sports; and who, that has experienced their beneficial +results, can doubt that they are the best promoters of +the <i>mens sana in corpore sano</i>—the body sound and +the understanding clear (cheers)? Gentlemen, it is with +feelings of no ordinary gratification that I find myself +at the social and truly hospitable board of one of the +most distinguished ornaments of one of the most celebrated +Hunts in this great country, one whose name +and fame have reached the four corners of the globe—to +find myself after so long an absence from my native +land—an estrangement from all that has ever been +nearest and dearest to my heart—once again surrounded +by these cheerful countenances which so well express +the honest, healthful pursuits of their owners. Let us +then," added Nimrod, seizing a decanter and pouring +himself out a bumper, "drink, in true Kentish fire, the +health and prosperity of that brightest sample of civic +sportsmen, the great and renowned JOHN JORROCKS!"</p> + +<p>Immense applause followed the conclusion of this +speech, during which time the decanters buzzed round +the table, and the glasses being emptied, the company +rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed; Mr. +Jorrocks, sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable +as men in his situation generally do.</p> + +<p>The cheering having subsided, and the parties having +resumed their seats, it was his turn to rise, so getting on +his legs, he essayed to speak, but finding, as many men +do, that his ideas deserted him the moment the "eyes of +England" were turned upon him, after two or three +hitches of his nankeens, and as many hems and haws, +he very coolly resumed his seat, and spoke as follows:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, +I am taken quite aback by this werry unexpected +compliment (cheers); never since I filled the hancient +and honerable hoffice of churchwarden in the populous +parish of St. Botolph Without, have I experienced a +gratification equal to the present. I thank you from +the werry bottom of my breeches-pocket (applause). +Gentlemen, I'm no horator, but I'm a honest man +(cheers). I should indeed be undeserving the name of +a sportsman—undeserving of being a member of that +great and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. Happerley +Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, if +I did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you have +paid it. It is unpossible for me to follow that great +sporting scholar fairly over the ridge and furrow of +his werry intricate and elegant horation, for there are +many of those fine gentlemen's names—French, I presume—that +he mentioned, that I never heard of before, +and cannot recollect; but if you will allow me to run +'eel a little, I would make a few hobservations on a few +of his hobservations.—Mr. Happerley Nimrod, gentlemen, +was pleased to pay a compliment to what he was +pleased to call my something 'ospitality. I am extremely +obliged to him for it. To be surrounded by one's friends +is in my mind the 'Al' of 'uman 'appiness (cheers). +Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of seeing +you all here to-day, and I hope the grub has been to +your likin' (cheers), if not, I'll discharge my butcher. +On the score of quantity there might be a little deficiency, +but I hope the quality was prime. Another +time this shall be all remedied (cheers). Gentlemen, +I understand those cheers, and I'm flattered by them—I +likes 'ospitality!—I'm not the man to keep my +butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals in a quart pot +(immense cheering). Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, +I leaves the flowers of speech to them as is better +acquainted with botany (laughter)—I likes plain English, +both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to +see Mr. Happerley Nimrod has not forgot his, and can +put up with our homely fare, and do without pantaloon +cutlets, blankets of woe,<a id="footnotetag27" name="footnotetag27"></a><a href="#footnote27"><sup>27</sup></a> and such-like miseries."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote27" name="footnote27"></a><b>Footnote 27:</b><a href="#footnotetag27"> (return) </a> "Blanquette de veau."</blockquote> + +<p>"I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots, +and their poisons (poissons); 'ord rot 'em, they near +killed me, and right glad am I to get a glass of old +British black strap. And talking of black strap, gentlemen, +I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to +tip us a song. So now I'm finished—and you, Crane, +lap up your liquor and begin!" (applause).</p> + +<p>Crane was shy—unused to sing in company—nevertheless, +if it was the wish of the party, and if it would +oblige his good customer, Mr. Jorrocks, he would try +his hand at a stave or two made in honour of the immortal +Surrey. Having emptied his glass and cleared +his windpipe, Crane commenced:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Here's a health to them that can ride!</p> +<p>Here's a health to them that can ride!</p> +<p>And those that don't wish good luck to the cause.</p> +<p>May they roast by their own fireside!</p> +<p>It's good to drown care in the chase,</p> +<p>It's good to drown care in the bowl.</p> +<p>It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,</p> +<p>Here's his health from the depth of my soul."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">CHORUS</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds.</p> +<p class="i2">And echo the shrill tally-ho!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Here's a health to them that can ride!</p> +<p>Here's a health to them that ride bold!</p> +<p>May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied,</p> +<p>In columns of sporting be told!</p> +<p>Here's freedom to him that would walk!</p> +<p>Here's freedom to him that would ride!</p> +<p>There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard</p> +<p>Who the joys of the chase ever tried."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,</p> +<p class="i2">And halloo the loud tally-ho!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Beautiful! beautiful!" exclaimed Jorrocks, clapping +his hands and stamping as Crane had ceased.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"A werry good song, and it's werry well sung.</p> +<p>Jolly companions every one!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses—there's one +toast we must drink in a bumper if we ne'er take a +bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your glass—Mr. +Stubbs, vy don't you fill up?—Mr. Nimrod, off with +your 'eel taps, pray—I'll give ye the 'Surrey 'Unt,' +with all my 'art and soul. Crane, my boy, here's your +werry good health, and thanks for your song!" (All +drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's good health, with +applause, which brings him on his legs with the following +speech):</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking +(laughter), I beg leave on behalf of myself and the +absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to return you our +own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment +you have just paid us, and to assure you that the +esteem and approbation of our fellow-sportsmen is to +us the magnum bonum of all earthly 'appiness (cheers +and laughter). Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer +upon your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy +this wine of my friend Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say +that I have got some more of the same quality left, +at from forty-two to forty-eight shillings a dozen, also +some good stout draught port, at ten and sixpence a +gallon—some ditto werry superior at fifteen; also foreign +and British spirits, and Dutch liqueurs, rich and rare." +The conclusion of the vintner's address was drowned +in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon +the company in succession for a toast, a song, or a +sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The Royal Staghounds"; +Crane gave, "Champagne to our real friends, and real +pain to our sham friends"; Green sung, "I'd be a butterfly"; +Mr. Stubbs gave, "Honest men and bonnie +lasses"; and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic printer, gave, +"The liberty of the Press," which he said was like +fox-hunting—"if we have it not we die"—all of which +Mr. Jorrocks applauded as if he had never heard them +before, and drank in bumpers. It was evident that +unless tea was speedily announced he would soon +become;</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O'er the ills of life victorious,</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the +Queen's English for some time. After a pause, during +which his cheeks twice changed colour, from red to +green and back to red, he again called for a bumper +toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or +parts of a speech:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen—in rising—propose toast about to +give—feel werry—feel werry—(Yorkshireman, 'werry +muzzy?') J—— feel werry—(Mr. Spiers, 'werry sick?') +J—— werry—(Crane, 'werry thirsty?') J—— feel werry +—(Nimrod, 'werry wise?') J—— no; but werry sensible +—great compliment—eyes of England upon us—give +you the health—Mr. Happerley Nimrod—three times +three!"</p> + +<p>He then attempted to rise for the purpose of marking +the time, but his legs deserted his body, and after +two or three lurches down he went with a tremendous +thump under the table. He called first for "Batsay," then +for "Binjimin," and, game to the last, blurted out, +"Lift me up!—tie me in my chair!—fill my glass!"</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a> +<h3>XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST:<br> + +AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN</h3> + +<p>On the morning after Mr. Jorrocks's "dinner party" +I had occasion to go into the city, and took Great +Coram Street in my way. My heart misgave me when +I recollected Mrs. J—— and her horrid paws, but still +I thought it my duty to see how the grocer was after +his fall. Arrived at the house I rang the area bell, and +Benjamin, who was cleaning knives below, popped his +head up, and seeing who it was, ran upstairs and opened +the door. His master was up, he said, but "werry bad," +and his misses was out. Leaving him to resume his +knife-cleaning occupation, I slipped quietly upstairs, +and hearing a noise in the bedroom, opened the door, +and found Jorrocks sitting in his dressing-gown in an +easy chair, with Betsey patting his bald head with a +damp towel.</p> + +<p>"Do that again, Batsay! Do that again!" was the +first sound I heard, being an invitation to Betsey to continue +her occupation. "Here's the Yorkshireman, sir," +said Betsey, looking around.</p> + +<p>"Ah, Mr. York, how are you this morning?" said +he, turning a pair of eyes upon me that looked like +boiled gooseberries—his countenance indicating severe +indisposition. "Set down, sir; set down—I'm werry +bad—werry bad indeed—bad go last night. Doesn't +do to go to the lush-crib this weather. How are you, +eh? tell me all about it. Is Mr. Nimrod gone?"</p> + +<p>"Don't know," said I; "I have just come from Lancaster +Street, where I have been seeing an aunt, and +thought I would take Great Coram Street in my way +to the city, to ask how you do—but where's Mrs. +Jorrocks?"</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Oh, cuss Mrs. J——; I knows nothing about +her—been reading the Riot Act, and giving her red rag +a holiday all the morning—wish to God I'd never see'd +her—took her for better and worser, it's werry true; +but she's a d——d deal worser than I took her for. Hope +your hat may long cover your family. Mrs. J——'s gone +to the Commons to Jenner—swears she'll have a diworce, +a <i>mensa et thorax</i>, I think she calls it—wish she may get +it—sick of hearing her talk about it—Jenner's the only +man wot puts up with her, and that's because he gets +his fees. Batsay, my dear! you may damp another towel, +and then get me something to cool my coppers—all in +a glow, I declare—complete fever. You whiles go to +the lush-crib, Mr. Yorkshireman; what now do you +reckon best after a regular drench?</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Oh, nothing like a glass of soda-water +with a bottom of brandy—some people prefer a sermon, +but that won't suit you or I. After your soda and +brandy take a good chivy in the open air, and you'll +be all right by dinner-time.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Right I Bliss ye, I shall niver be right again. +I can scarce move out of my chair, I'm so bad—my +head's just fit to split in two—I'm in no state to be seen.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Oh, pooh!—get your soda-water and +brandy, then have some strong coffee and a red herring, +and you'll be all right, and if you'll find cash, I'll find +company, and we'll go and have a lark together.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Couldn't really be seen out—-besides, cash +is werry scarce. By the way, now that I come to think +on it, I had a five-pounder in my breeches last night. +Just feel in the pocket of them 'ere nankeens, and see +that Mrs. J—— has not grabbed it to pay Jenner's fee +with.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i> (feels). No—all right—here it is—No. +10,497—I promise to pay Mr. Thos. Rippon, or +bearer, on demand, five pounds! Let's demand it, and +go and spend the cash.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> No, no—put it back—or into the table-drawer, +see—fives are werry scarce with me—can't +afford it—must be just before I'm generous.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Well, then, J——, you must just stay +at home and get bullied by Mrs. J——, who will be +back just now, I dare say, perhaps followed by Jenner +and half Doctors' Commons.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. The deuce! I forgot all that—curse Mrs. +J—— and the Commons too. Well, Mr. Yorkshireman, +I don't care if I do go with you—but where shall it +be to? Some place where we can be quiet, for I really +am werry bad, and not up to nothing like a lark.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Suppose we take a sniff of the +briny—Margate—Ramsgate—Broadstairs?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. No, none of them places—over-well-known +at 'em all—can't be quiet—get to the lush-crib again, +perhaps catch the cholera and go to Gravesend by +mistake. Let's go to the Eel Pye at Twickenham and +live upon fish.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Fish! you old flat. Why, you know, +you'd be the first to cry out if you had to do so. No, +no—let's have no humbug—here, drink your coffee like +a man, and then hustle your purse and see what it will +produce. Why, even Betsey's laughing at the idea of +your living upon fish.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Don't shout so, pray—your woice shoots +through every nerve of my head and distracts me +(drinks). This is grand Mocho—quite the cordial balm +of Gilead—werry fine indeed. Now I feel rewived and +can listen to you.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Well, then, pull on your boots—gird +up your loins, and let's go and spend this five pounds—stay +away as long as it lasts, in fact.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Well, but give me the coin—it's mine you +know—and let me be paymaster, or I know you'll soon +be into dock again. That's right; and now I have got +three half-crowns besides, which I will add.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. And I've got three pence, which, not +to be behind-hand in point of liberality, I'll do the same +with, so that we have got five pounds seven shillings +and ninepence between us, according to Cocker.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Between us, indeed! I likes that. You're a +generous churchwarden.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Well—we won't stand upon trifles the +principle is the thing I look to—and not the amount. +So now where to, your honour?</p> + +<p>After a long parley, we fixed upon Herne Bay. Our +reasons for doing so were numerous, though it would +be superfluous to mention them, save that the circumstance +of neither of us ever having been there, and the +prospect of finding a quiet retreat for Jorrocks to recover +in, were the principal ones. Our arrangements were +soon made. "Batsay," said J—— to his principessa of +a cook, slut, and butler, "the Yorkshireman and I are +going out of town to stay five pounds seven and ninepence, +so put up my traps." Two shirts (one to wash +the other as he said), three pairs of stockings, with +other etceteras, were stamped into a carpet-bag, and +taking a cab, we called at the "Piazza," where I took +a few things, and away we drove to Temple Bar. "Stop +here with the bags," said Jorrocks, "while I go to the +Temple Stairs and make a bargain with a Jacob Faithful +to put us on board, for if they see the bags they'll +think it's a case of necessity, and ask double; whereas +I'll pretend I'm just going a-pleasuring, and when I've +made a bargain, I'll whistle, and you can come." Away +he rolled, and after the lapse of a few minutes I heard +a sort of shilling-gallery cat-call, and obeying the +summons, found he had concluded a bargain for one +and sixpence. We reached St. Catherine's Docks just +as the Herne Bay boat—the <i>Hero</i>—moored alongside, +consequently were nearly the first on board.</p> + +<p>Herne Bay being then quite in its infancy, and this +being what the cits call a "weekday," they had rather +a shy cargo, nor had they any of that cockney tomfoolery +that generally characterises a Ramsgate or +Margate crew, more particularly a Margate one. Indeed, +it was a very slow cargo, Jorrocks being the only +character on board, and he was as sulky as a bear with +a sore head when anyone approached. The day was +beautifully fine, and a thin grey mist gradually disappeared +from the Kentish hills as we passed down the +Thames. The river was gay enough. Adelaide, Queen +of Great Britain and Ireland, was expected on her +return from Germany, and all the vessels hung out their +best and gayest flags and colours to do her honour. The +towns of Greenwich and Woolwich were in commotion. +Charity schools were marching, and soldiers were doing +the like, while steamboats went puffing down the river +with cargoes to meet and escort Her Majesty. When we +got near Tilbury Fort, a man at the head of the steamer +announced that we should meet the Queen in ten +minutes, and all the passengers crowded on to the +paddle-box of the side on which she was to pass, to +view and greet her. Jorrocks even roused himself up +and joined the throng. Presently a crowd of steamers +were seen in the distance, proceeding up the river at +a rapid pace, with a couple of lofty-masted vessels in +tow, the first of which contained the royal cargo. The +leading steamboat was the celebrated <i>Magnet</i>—considered +the fastest boat on the river, and the one in +which Jorrocks and myself steamed from Margate, +racing against and beating the <i>Royal William.</i> This +had the Lord Mayor and Aldermen on board, who had +gone down to the extent of the city jurisdiction to meet +the Queen, and have an excuse for a good dinner. The +deck presented a gay scene, being covered with a +military band, and the gaudy-liveried lackeys belonging +to the Mansion House, and sheriffs whose clothes +were one continuous mass of gold lace and frippery, +shining beautifully brilliant in the midday sun. The +royal yacht, with its crimson and gold pennant floating +on the breeze, came towering up at a rapid pace, with +the Queen sitting under a canopy on deck. As we neared, +all hats were off, and three cheers—or at least as many +as we could wedge in during the time the cortčge took +to sweep past us—were given, our band consisting of +three brandy-faced musicians, striking up <i>God save the +King</i>—a compliment which Her Majesty acknowledged +by a little mandarining; and before the majority of the +passengers had recovered from the astonishment produced +by meeting a live Queen on the Thames, the +whole fleet had shot out of sight. By the time the ripple +on the water, raised by their progress, had subsided, +we had all relapsed into our former state of apathy and +sullenness. A duller or staider set I never saw outside +a Quakers' meeting. Still the beggars eat, as when does +a cockney not in the open air? The stewards of these +steamboats must make a rare thing of their places, +for they have plenty of custom at their own prices. +In fact, being in a steamboat is a species of personal +incarceration, and you have only the option between +bringing your own prog, or taking theirs at whatever +they choose to charge—unless, indeed, a person prefers +going without any. Jorrocks took nothing. He laid down +again after the Queen had passed, and never looked up +until we were a mile or two off Herne Bay.</p> + +<p>With the reader's permission, we will suppose that +we have just landed, and, bags in hand, ascended the +flight of steps that conduct passengers, as it were, from +the briny ocean on to the stage of life.</p> + +<p>"My eyes!" said Jorrocks, as he reached the top, "wot +a pier, and wot a bit of a place! Why, there don't seem +to be fifty houses altogether, reckoning the windmill in +the centre as one. What's this thing?" said he to a +ticket-porter, pointing to a sort of French diligence-looking +concern which had just been pushed up to the +landing end. "To carry the lumber, sir—live and dead—gentlemen +and their bags, as don't like to walk." +"Do you charge anything for the ride?" inquired +Jorrocks, with his customary caution. "Nothing," was +the answer. "Then, let's get on the roof," said J——, +"and take it easy, and survey the place as we go along." +So, accordingly, we clambered on to the top of the +diligence, "summā diligentiā," and seated ourselves on +a pile of luggage; being all stowed away, and as many +passengers as it would hold put inside, two or three +porters proceeded to propel the machine along the +railroad on which it runs. "Now, Mr. Yorkshireman," +said Jorrocks, "we are in a strange land, and it behoves +us to proceed with caution, or we may spend +our five pounds seven and sixpence before we know +where we are."</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Seven and ninepence it is, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Well, be it so—five pounds seven and ninepence +between two, is by no means an impossible sum +to spend, and the trick is to make it go as far as we +can. Now some men can make one guinea go as far as +others can make two, and we will try what we can do. +In the first place, you know I makes it a rule never +to darken the door of a place wot calls itself an 'otel, +for 'otel prices and inn prices are werry different. You +young chaps don't consider these things, and as long +as you have got a rap in the world you go swaggering +about, ordering claret and waxlights, and everything +wot's expensive, as though you must spend money +because you are in an inn. Now, that's all gammon. +If a man haven't got money he can't spend it; and we +all know that many poor folks are obliged at times to +go to houses of public entertainment, and you don't +suppose that they pay for fire and waxlights, private +sitting-rooms, and all them 'ere sort of things. Now, +said he, adjusting his hunting telescope and raking the +town of Herne Bay, towards which we were gently +approaching on our dignified eminence, but as yet had +not got near enough to descry "what was what" with +the naked eye, I should say yon great staring-looking +shop directly opposite us is the cock inn of the place +(looks through his glass). I'm right P-i-e-r, Pier 'Otel +I reads upon the top, and that's no shop for my money. +Let's see what else we have. There's nothing on the +right, I think, but here on the left is something like our +cut—D-o-l dol, p-h-i-n phin, Dolphin Inn. It's long since +I went the circuit, as the commercial gentlemen (or +what were called bagmen in my days) term it, but I +haven't forgot the experience I gained in my travels, +and I whiles turn it to werry good account now.</p> + +<p>"Coach to Canterbury, Deal, Margate, sir, going +directly," interrupted him, and reminded us that we +had got to the end of the pier, and ought to be descending. +Two or three coaches were drawn up, waiting +to carry passengers on, but we had got to our +journey's end. "Now," said J——, "let's take our bags +in hand and draw up wind, trying the 'Dolphin' first."</p> + +<p>Rejecting the noble portals of the Pier Hotel, we +advanced towards Jorrocks's chosen house, a plain +unpretending-looking place facing the sea, which is +half the battle, and being but just finished had every +chance of cleanliness. "Jonathan Acres" appeared above +the door as the name of the landlord, and a little square-built, +hatless, short-haired chap, in a shooting-jacket, +was leaning against the door. "Mr. Hacres within?" +said Jorrocks. "My name's Acres," said he of the +shooting-jacket. "Humph," said J——, looking him +over, "not Long Acre, I think." Having selected a +couple of good airy bedrooms, we proceeded to see +about dinner. "Mr. Hacres," said Jorrocks, "I makes +it a rule never to pay more than two and sixpence for +a feed, so now just give us as good a one as you possibly +can for that money": and about seven o'clock we sat +down to lamb-chops, ducks, French beans, pudding, +etc.; shortly after which Jorrocks retired to rest, to +sleep off the remainder of his headache. He was up long +before me the next morning, and had a dip in the sea +before I came down. "Upon my word," said he, as I +entered the room, and found him looking as lively and +fresh as a four-year-old, "it's worth while going to the +lush-crib occasionally, if it's only for the pleasure of +feeling so hearty and fresh as one does on the second +day. I feel just as if I could jump out of my skin, but +I will defer the performance until after breakfast. I have +ordered a fork one, do you know, cold 'am and boiled +bacon, with no end of eggs, and bread of every possible +description. By the way, I've scraped acquaintance with +Thorp, the baker hard by, who's a right good fellow, +and says he will give me some shooting, and has some +werry nice beagles wot he shoots to. But here's the +grub. Cold 'am in abundance. But, waiter, you should +put a little green garnishing to the dishes, I likes to +see it, green is so werry refreshing to the eye; and tell +Mr. Hacres to send up some more bacon and the bill, +when I rings the bell. Nothing like having your bill +the first morning, and then you know what you've got +to pay, and can cut your coat according to your cloth." +The bacon soon disappeared, and the bell being sounded, +produced the order.</p> + +<p>"Humph," said J——, casting his eyes over the bill +as it lay by the side of his plate, while he kept pegging +away at the contents of the neighbouring dish—"pretty +reasonable, I think—dinners, five shillings, that's half +a crown each; beds, two shillings each; breakfasts, one +and ninepence each, that's cheap for a fork breakfast; +but, I say, you had a pint of sherry after I left you last +night, and PALE sherry too! How could you be such an +egreggorus (egregious) ass! That's so like you young +chaps, not to know that the only difference between +pale and brown sherry is, that one has more of the +pumpaganus aqua in it than the other. You should +have made it pale yourself, man. But look there. Wot +a go!"</p> + +<p>Our attention was attracted to a youth in spectacles, +dressed in a rich plum-coloured coat, on the outside of +a dingy-looking, big-headed, brown nag, which he was +flogging and cramming along the public walk in front +of the "Dolphin," in the most original and ludicrous +manner. We presently recognised him as one of our +fellow-passengers of the previous day, respecting whom +Jorrocks and I had had a dispute as to whether he was +a Frenchman or a German. His equestrian performances +decided the point. I never in all my life witnessed such +an exhibition, nor one in which the performer evinced +such self-complacency. Whether he had ever been on +horseback before or not I can't tell, but the way in +which he went to work, using the bridle as a sort of +rattle to frighten the horse forward, the way in which +he shook the reins, threw his arms about, and belaboured +the poor devil of an animal in order to get him into a +canter (the horse of course turning away every time he +saw the blow coming), and the free, unrestrained liberty +he gave to his head, surpassed everything of the sort I +ever saw, and considerably endangered the lives of +several of His Majesty's lieges that happened to be +passing. Instead of getting out of their way, Frenchmanlike, +he seemed to think everything should give +way to an equestrian; and I saw him scatter a party +of ladies like a covey of partridges, by riding slap +amongst them, and not even making the slightest +apology or obeisance for the rudeness. There he kept, +cantering (or cantering as much as he could induce the +poor rip to do) from one end of the town to the other, +conceiving, I make not the slightest doubt, that he was +looked upon with eyes of admiration by the beholders. +He soon created no little sensation, and before he was +done a crowd had collected near the Pier Hotel, to see +him get his horse past (it being a Pier Hotel nag) each +time; and I heard a primitive sort of postman, who +was delivering the few letters that arrive in the place, +out of a fish-basket, declare "that he would sooner kill +a horse than lend it to such a chap." Having fretted his +hour away, the owner claimed the horse, and Monsieur +was dismounted.</p> + +<p>After surveying the back of the town, we found ourselves +rambling in some beautiful picturesque fields in +the rear. Kent is a beautiful county, and the trimly +kept gardens, and the clustering vines twining around +the neatly thatched cottages, remind one of the rich, +luxuriant soil and climate of the South. Forgetting that +we were in search of sea breezes, we continued to +saunter on, across one field, over one stile and then over +another, until after passing by the side of a snug-looking +old-fashioned house, with a beautifully kept garden, +the road took a sudden turn and brought us to some +parkish-looking well-timbered ground in front, at one +side of which Jorrocks saw something that he swore +was a kennel.</p> + +<p>"I knows a hawk from a hand-saw," said he, "let me +alone for that. I'll swear there are hounds in it. Bless +your heart, don't I see a gilt fox on one end, and a gilt +hare on the other?"</p> + +<p>Just then came up a man in a round fustian jacket, +to whom Jorrocks addressed himself, and, as good luck +would have it, he turned out to be the huntsman (for +Jorrocks was right about the kennel), and away we +went to look at the hounds. They proved to be Mr. +Collard's, the owner of the house that we had just +passed, and were really a very nice pack of harriers, +consisting of seventeen or eighteen couple, kept in better +style (as far as kennel appearance goes) than three-fourths +of the harriers in England. Bird, the huntsman, +our cicerone, seemed a regular keen one in hunting +matters, and Jorrocks and he had a long confab about +the "noble art of hunting," though the former was +rather mortified to find on announcing himself as the +"celebrated Mr. Jorrocks" that Bird had never heard +of him before.</p> + +<p>After leaving the kennel we struck across a few fields, +and soon found ourselves on the sea banks, along which +we proceeded at the rate of about two miles an hour, +until we came to the old church of Reculvers. Hard by +is a public-house, the sign of the "Two Sisters," where, +having each taken a couple of glasses of ale, we proceeded +to enjoy one of the (to me at least) greatest +luxuries in life—viz. that of lying on the shingle of +the beach with my heels just at the water's edge.</p> + +<p>The day was intensely hot, and after occupying this +position for about half an hour, and finding the "perpendicular +rays of the sun" rather fiercer than agreeable, +we followed the example of a flock of sheep, and +availed ourselves of the shade afforded by the Reculvers. +Here for a short distance along the beach, on both sides, +are small breakwaters, and immediately below the +Reculvers is one formed of stake and matting, capable +of holding two persons sofa fashion. Into this Jorrocks +and I crept, the tide being at that particular point +that enabled us to repose, with the water lashing our +cradle on both sides, without dashing high enough to +wet us.</p> + +<p>"Oh, but this is fine!" said J——, dangling his arm +over the side, and letting the sea wash against his hand. +"I declare it comes fizzing up just like soda-water out +of a bottle—reminds me of the lush-crib. By the way, +Mr. Yorkshireman, I heard some chaps in our inn this +morning talking about this werry place, and one of +them said that there used to be a Roman station, or +something of that sort, at it. Did you know anything +of them 'ere ancient Romans? Luxterous dogs, I understand. +If Mr. Nimrod was here now he could tell us all +about them, for, if I mistake not, he was werry intimate +with some of them—either he or his father, at least."</p> + +<p>A boat that had been gradually advancing towards +us now run on shore, close by where we were lying, and +one of the crew landed with a jug to get some beer. A +large basket at the end attracted Jorrocks's attention, +and, doglike, he got up and began to hover about and +inquire about their destination of the remaining crew, +four in number. They were a cockney party of pleasure, +it seemed, going to fish, for which purpose they had +hired the boat, and laid in no end of bait for the fish, +and prog for themselves. Jorrocks, though no great +fisherman (not having, as he says, patience enough), +is never at a loss if there is plenty of eating; and finding +that they had got a great chicken pie, two tongues, and +a tart, agreed to pay for the boat if they would let us +in upon equal terms with themselves as to the provender, +which was agreed to without a debate. The +messenger having returned with a gallon of ale, we embarked, +and away we slid through the "glad waters +of the dark blue sea." It was beautifully calm, scarcely +a breeze appearing on the surface. After rowing for +about an hour, one of the boatmen began to adjust +the lines and bait the hooks; and having got into what +he esteemed a favourite spot, he cast anchor and prepared +for the sport. Each man was prepared with a +long strong cord line, with a couple of hooks fastened +to the ends of about a foot of whalebone, with a small +leaden plummet in the centre. The hooks were baited +with sandworms, and the instructions given were, after +sounding the depth, to raise the hooks a little from the +bottom, so as to let them hang conveniently for the fish +to swallow. Great was the excitement as we dropped +the lines overboard, as to who should catch the first +whale. Jorrocks and myself having taken the fishermen's +lines from them, we all met upon pretty equal +terms, much like gentlemen jockeys in a race. A dead +silence ensued. "I have one!" cried the youngest of +our new friends. "Then pull him up," responded one +of the boatmen, "gently, or you'll lose him." "And so +I have, by God! he's gone." "Well, never mind," said +the boatmen, "let's see your bait—aye, he's got that, +too. We'll put some fresh on—there you are again—all +right. Now drop it gently, and when you find you've +hooked him, wind the line quickly, but quietly, and be +sure you don't jerk the hook out of his mouth at starting." +"I've got one!" cries Jorrocks—"I've got one—now, +my wig, if I can but land him. I have him, certainly—by +Jove! he's a wopper, too, judging by the way he +kicks. Oh, but it's no use, sir—come along—come along—here +he is—doublets, by crikey—two, huzza! huzza! +What fine ones!—young haddocks or codlings, I should +call them—werry nice eating, I dare say—I'm blow'd +if this arn't sport." "I have one," cries our young friend +again. "So have I," shouts another; and just at the same +moment I felt the magic touch of my bait, and in an +instant I felt the thrilling stroke. The fish were absolutely +voracious, and we had nothing short of a miraculous +draught. As fast as we could bait they swallowed, +and we frequently pulled them up two at a time. Jorrocks +was in ecstasies. "It was the finest sport he had ever +encountered," and he kept halloaing and shouting every +time he pulled them up, as though he were out with the +Surrey. Having just hooked a second couple, he baited +again and dropped his line. Two of our new friends had +hooked fish at the same instant, and, in their eagerness +to take them, overbalanced the boat, and Jorrocks, +who was leaning over, went head foremost down into +the deeps!</p> + +<br><br> + + +<p>A terrible surprise came over us, and for a second or +two we were so perfectly thunderstruck as to be incapable +of rendering any assistance. A great splash, +followed by a slight gurgling sound, as the water bubbled +and subsided o'er the place where he went down, was +all that denoted the exit of our friend. After a considerable +dive he rose to the surface, minus his hat and +wig, but speedily disappeared. The anchor was weighed, +oars put out, and the boat rowed to the spot where he +last appeared. He rose a third time, but out of arms' +reach, apparently lifeless, and just as he was sinking, +most probably for ever, one of the men contrived to +slip the end of an oar under his arm, and support him +on the water until he got within reach from the boat.</p> + +<p>The consternation when we got him on board was +tremendous! Consisting, as we did, of two parties, +neither knowing where the other had come from, we +remained in a state of stupefied horror, indecision, and +amazement for some minutes. The poor old man lay +extended in the bottom of the boat, apparently lifeless, +and even if the vital spark had not fled, there seemed +no chance of reaching Herne Bay, whose pier, just then +gilded by the rich golden rays of the setting sun, appeared +in the far distance of the horizon. Where to row to was +the question. No habitation where effective succour +could be procured appeared on the shore, and to proceed +without a certain destination was fruitless. How +helpless such a period as this makes a man feel! "Let's +make for Grace's," at length exclaimed one of the +boatmen, and the other catching at the proposition, the +head of the boat was whipped round in an instant, and +away we sped through the glassy-surfaced water. Not +a word broke upon the sound of the splashing oars +until, nearing the shore, one of the men, looking round, +directed us to steer a little to the right, in the direction +of a sort of dell or land-break, peculiar to the Isle of +Thanet; and presently we ran the head of the boat upon +the shingle, just where a small rivulet that, descending +from the higher grounds, waters the thickly wooded +ravine, and discharges itself into the sea. The entrance +of this dell is formed by a lofty precipitous rock, with +a few stunted overhanging trees on one side, while the +other is more open and softened in its aspect, and +though steep and narrow at the mouth, gently slopes +away into a brushwood-covered bank, which, stretching +up the little valley, becomes lost in a forest of +lofty oaks that close the inland prospect of the place. +Here, to the left (just after one gets clear of the steeper +part), commanding a view of the sea, and yet almost +concealed from the eye of a careless traveller, was a +lonely hut (the back wall formed by an excavation of +the sandy rock) and the rest of clay, supporting a +wooden roof, made of the hull of a castaway wreck, +the abode of an old woman, called Grace Ganderne, +well known throughout the whole Isle of Thanet as a +poor harmless secluded widow, who subsisted partly +on the charity of her neighbours, and partly on what +she could glean from the smugglers, for the assistance +she affords them in running their goods on that coast; +and though she had been at work for forty years, she +had never had the misfortune to be detected in the +act, notwithstanding the many puncheons of spirits +and many bales of goods fished out of the dark woods +near her domicile.</p> + +<p>To this spot it was, just as the "setting sun's pathetic +light" had been succeeded by the grey twilight of the +evening, that we bore the body of our unfortunate companion. +The door was closed, but Grace being accustomed +to nocturnal visitors, speedily answered the first +summons and presented herself. She was evidently of +immense age, being nearly bowed double, and her figure, +with her silvery hair, confined by a blue checked cotton +handkerchief, and palsied hand, as tremblingly she +rested upon her staff and eyed the group, would have +made a subject worthy of the pencil of a Landseer. She +was wrapped in an old red cloak, with a large hood, +and in her ears she wore a pair of long gold-dropped +earrings, similar to what one sees among the Norman +peasantry—the gift, as I afterwards learned, of a +drowned lover. After scrutinising us for a second or +two, during which time a large black cat kept walking +to and fro, purring and rubbing itself against her, she +held back the door and beckoned us to enter. The little +place was cleanly swept up, and a faggot and some +dry brushwood, which she had just lighted for the +purpose of boiling her kettle, threw a gleam of light +over the apartment, alike her bedchamber, parlour, +and kitchen. Her curtainless bed at the side, covered +with a coarse brown counterpane, was speedily prepared +for our friend, into which being laid, our new +acquaintances were dispatched in search of doctors, +while the boatman and myself, under the direction of +old Grace, applied ourselves to procuring such restoratives +as her humble dwelling afforded.</p> + +<p>"Let Grace alone," said the younger of the boatmen, +seeing my affliction at the lamentable catastrophe, "if +there be but a spark of life in the gentleman, she'll +bring him round—many's the drowning man—aye, and +wounded one, too—that's been brought in here during +the stormy nights, and after fights with the coast-guard—that +she's recovered."</p> + +<p>Hot bottles, and hot flannels, and hot bricks were +all applied, but in vain; and when I saw hot brandy, +too, fail of having the desired effect, I gave my friend +up as lost, and left the hut to vent my grief in the open +air. Grace was more sanguine and persevering, and +when I returned, after a half-hour's absence, I could +distinctly feel a returning pulse. Still, he gave no +symptoms of animation, and it might only be the effect +produced by the applications—as he remained in the +same state for several hours. Fresh wood was added +to the fire, and the boatmen having returned to their +vessel, Grace and I proceeded to keep watch during +the night, or until the arrival of a doctor. The poor old +body, to whom scenes such as this were matter of frequent +occurrence, seemed to think nothing of it, and +proceeded to relate some of the wonderful escapes and +recoveries she had witnessed, in the course of which +she dropped many a sigh to the memory of some of +her friends—the bold smugglers. There were no such +"braw lads" now as formerly, she said, and were it +not that "she was past eighty, and might as weel die +in one place as anither, she wad gang back to the bonny +blue hulls (hills) of her ain canny Scotland."</p> + +<p>In the middle of one of her long stories I thought I +perceived a movement of the bedclothes, and, going to +look, I found a considerable increase in the quickness +of pulsation, and also a generous sort of glow upon the +skin. "An' ded I no tell ye I wad recover him?" said +she, with a triumphant look. "Afore twa mair hours are +o'er he'll spak to ye." "I hope so, I'm sure," said I, +still almost doubting her. "Oh, trust to me," said she, +"he'll come about—I've seen mony a chiel in a mickle +worse state nor him recovered. Pray, is the ould gintleman +your father or your grandfather?"</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Why, I can't say that he's either +exactly—but he's always been as good as a grandmother +to me, I know.</p> + +<p>Grace was right. About three o'clock in the morning +a sort of revulsion of nature took place, and after having +lain insensible, and to all appearance lifeless, all that +time, he suddenly began to move. Casting his eye +wildly around, he seemed lost in amazement. He +muttered something, but what it was I could not catch.</p> + +<p>"Lush-crib again, by Jove!" were the first words he +articulated, and then, appearing to recollect himself, +he added, "Oh, I forgot, I'm drowned—well drowned, +too—can't be help'd, however—wasn't born to be +hanged—and that seems clear." Thus he kept muttering +and mumbling for an hour, until old Grace thinking +him so far recovered as to remove all danger from +sudden surprise, allowed me to take her seat at the +bedside. He looked at me long and intensely, but the +light was not sufficiently strong to enable him to make +out who I was.</p> + +<p>"Jorrocks!" at length said I, taking him by the +hand, "how are you, my old boy?" He started at the +sound of his name. "Jorrocks," said he, "who's that?" +"Why, the Yorkshireman; you surely have not forgotten +your old friend and companion in a hundred +fights!"</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Oh, Mr. York, it's you, is it? Much obliged +by your inquiries, but I'm drowned.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Aye, but you are coming round, you'll +be better before long.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Never! Don't try to gammon me. You +know as well as I do that I'm drowned, and a drowned +man never recovers. No, no, it's all up with me, I feel. +Set down, however, while I say a few words to you. +You're a good fellow, and I've remembered you in my +will, which you'll find in the strong port-wine-bin, along +with nine pounds secret service money. I hopes you'll +think the legacy a fat one. I meant it as such. If you +marry Belinda, I have left you a third of my fourth in +the tea trade. Always said you were cut out for a grocer. +Let Tat sell my stud. An excellent man, Tat—proudish +perhaps—at least, he never inwites me to none of his +dinners—but still a werry good man. Let him sell them, +I say, and mind give Snapdragon a charge or two of +shot before he goes to the 'ammer, to prevent his roaring. +Put up a plain monument to my memory—black or +white marble, whichever's cheapest—but mind, no +Cupids or seraphums, or none of those sort of things—quite +plain—with just this upon it—<i>Hic jacet Jorrocks.</i> +And now I'll give you a bit of news. Neptune has +appointed me huntsman to his pack of haddocks. Have +two dolphins for my own riding, and a young lobster +to look after them. Lord Farebrother whips in to me—he +rides a turtle. "And now, my good friend," said +he, grasping my hands with redoubled energy, "do you +think you could accomplish me a rump-steak and +oyster sauce?—also a pot of stout?—but, mind, blow +the froth off the top, for it's bad for the kidneys!"</p> +<br><br> + +<p class="mid">THE END</p> +<br><br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities +by Robert Smith Surtees + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + +***** This file should be named 15387-h.htm or 15387-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/8/15387/ + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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