diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387-8.txt | 8678 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 219116 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 425236 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387-h/15387-h.htm | 10874 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387-h/images/01.png | bin | 0 -> 41899 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387-h/images/02.png | bin | 0 -> 161134 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387.txt | 8678 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15387.zip | bin | 0 -> 218933 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
11 files changed, 28246 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15387-8.txt b/15387-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83bd3d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8678 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities, by Robert Smith Surtees + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + +Author: Robert Smith Surtees + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15387] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + + + + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + + Robert Surtees + +CONTENTS + + I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY + II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY + III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE + IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS + V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET + VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY + VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE + VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH + IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS + X. SPORTING IN FRANCE + XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE" + XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY + XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN + + + +I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY + +What true-bred city sportsman has not in his day put off the most urgent +business--perhaps his marriage, or even the interment of his rib--that +he might "brave the morn" with that renowned pack, the Surrey +subscription foxhounds? Lives there, we would ask, a thoroughbred, +prime, bang-up, slap-dash, break-neck, out-and-out artist, within three +miles of the Monument, who has not occasionally "gone a good 'un" with +this celebrated pack? And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, born all +deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft have witnessed--nay, +shared--the hardy exploits of our fellow-cits, shall we sit still, and +never cease the eternal twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, +while other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats of +beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father Thames himself with +muddy Whissendine's foul stream? Away! thou vampire, Indolence, that +suckest the marrow of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of idea +ere yet it float on the milk of reflection. Hence! slug-begotten hag, +thy power is gone--the murky veil thou'st drawn o'er memory's sweetest +page is rent! + + Harp of Eastcheap, awake! + +Our thoughts hark back to the cover-side, and our heart o'erflows with +recollections of the past, when life rode the pace through our veins, +and the bark of the veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest +costermonger's sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more musical sounds than +Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalani's clamorous caterwaulings. + +And, thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow--chaste Diana--deign to become the +leading star of our lucubrations; come perch upon our grey goose quill; +shout in our ear the maddening Tally-ho! and ever and anon give a +salutary "refresher" to our memory with thy heaven-wrought spurs--those +spurs old Vulcan forged when in his maddest mood--whilst we relate such +feats of town-born youths and city squires, as shall "harrow up +the souls" of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and "fright their +grass-galloping garrons from their propriety." But gently, +Pegasus!--Here again, boys, and "let's to business," as they say on +'Change. + +'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that such portion of a +county as is hunted by any one pack of hounds is technically denominated +their country; and of all countries under the sun, that of the Surrey +subscription foxhounds undoubtedly bears the bell. This superiority +arises from the peculiar nature of the soil--wretched starvation stuff +most profusely studded with huge sharp flints--the abundance of large +woods, particularly on the Kent side, and the range of mountainous hills +that run directly through the centre, which afford accommodation to the +timid, and are unknown in most counties and unequalled in any. + +One of the most striking features in the aspect of this chosen region of +fox-hunting, is the quiet easy manner in which the sportsmen take the +thing. On they go--now trotting gently over the flints--now softly +ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous hill--now quietly +following each other in long-drawn files, like geese, through some +close and deep ravine, or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their +never-ceasing holloas--every man shouting in proportion to the amount of +his subscription, until day is made horrible with their yelling. There +is no pushing, jostling, rushing, cramming, or riding over one another; +no jealousy, discord, or daring; no ridiculous foolhardy feats; but each +man cranes and rides, and rides and cranes in a style that would gladden +the eye of a director of an insurance office. + +The members of the Surrey are the people that combine business with +pleasure, and even in the severest run can find time for sweet +discourse, and talk about the price of stocks or stockings. "Yooi wind +him there, good dog, yooi wind him."--"Cottons is fell."--"Hark to +Cottager! Hark!"--"Take your bill at three months, or give you three +and a half discount for cash." "Eu in there, eu in, Cheapside, good +dog."--"Don't be in a hurry, sir, pray. He may be in the empty casks +behind the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push him +out."--"You're not going down that bank, surely sir? Why, it's almost +perpendicular! For God's sake, sir, take care--remember you are not +insured. Ah! you had better get off--here, let me hold your nag, and +when you're down you can catch mine;--that's your sort but mind he +doesn't break the bridle. He won't run away, for he knows I've got some +sliced carrots in my pocket to reward him if he does well.--Thank you, +sir, and now for a leg up--there we are--that's your sort--I'll wait +till you are up also, and we'll be off together." + +It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business of life with +the energetic sports of the field, that constitutes the charm of Surrey +hunting; and who can wonder that smoke-dried cits, pent up all the week, +should gladly fly from their shops to enjoy a day's sport on a Saturday? +We must not, however, omit to express a hope that young men, who +have their way to make in the world, may not be led astray by its +allurements. It is all very well for old-established shopkeepers "to do +a bit of pleasure" occasionally, but the apprentice or journeyman, who +understands his duties and the tricks of his trade, will never be found +capering in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place is +behind the counter; and while his master is away enjoying the pleasures +of the chase, he can prig as much "pewter" from the till as will take +both himself and his lass to Sadler's Wells theatre, or any other place +she may choose to appoint. + +But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, nine miles from +the standard in Cornhill, is the general rendezvous of the gallant +sportsmen. It is the principal market town in the eastern division of +the county of Surrey; and the chaw-bacons who carry the produce of their +acres to it, instead of to the neighbouring village of London, retain +much of their pristine barbarity. The town furnishes an interesting +scene on a hunting morning, particularly on a Saturday. At an early +hour, groups of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from the London +side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches,[1] some in taxed carts, but +the greater number mounted on good serviceable-looking nags, of the +invaluable species, calculated for sport or business, "warranted free +from vice, and quiet both to ride and in harness"; some few there are, +who, with that kindness and considerate attention which peculiarly mark +this class of sportsmen, have tacked a buggy to their hunter, and given +a seat to a friend, who leaning over the back of the gig, his jocund +phiz turned towards his fidus Achates, leads his own horse behind, +listening to the discourse of "his ancient," or regaling him "with sweet +converse"; and thus they onward jog, until the sign of the "Greyhound," +stretching quite across the main street, greets their expectant optics, +and seems to forbid their passing the open portal below. In they wend +then, and having seen their horses "sorted," and the collar marks (as +much as may be) carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due +quantity of grease and lamp-black, speed in to "mine host" and order a +sound repast of the good things of this world; the which to discuss, +they presently apply themselves with a vigour that indicates as much a +determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in stock against the +effects of future exertion. Meanwhile the bustle increases; sportsmen +arrive by the score, fresh tables are laid out, covered with "no end" of +vivers; and towards the hour of nine, may be heard to perfection, that +pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing from the masticatory organs of +a number of men steadfastly and studiously employed in the delightful +occupation of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. "O noctes +coenęque Deūm," said friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting breakfasts! say we. +Where are now the jocund laugh, the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the +last debate? As our sporting contemporary, the _Quarterly_, said, when +describing the noiseless pursuit of old reynard by the Quorn: "Reader, +there is no crash now, and not much music." It is the tinker that makes +a great noise over a little work, but, at the pace these men are eating, +there is no time for babbling. So, gentle lector, there is now no +leisure for bandying compliments, 'tis your small eater alone who +chatters o'er his meals; your true-born sportsman is ever a silent and, +consequently, an assiduous grubber. True it is that occasionally space +is found between mouthfuls to vociferate "WAITER!" in a tone that +requires not repetition; and most sonorously do the throats of the +assembled eaters re-echo the sound; but this is all--no useless +exuberance of speech--no, the knife or fork is directed towards what +is wanted, nor needs there any more expressive intimation of the +applicant's wants. + +[Footnote 1: The date of this description, it must be remembered, is put +many years back.] + +At length the hour of ten approaches; bills are paid, pocket-pistols +filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses accoutred, and our bevy straddle +forth into the town, to the infinite gratification of troops of +dirty-nosed urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in at the +windows, impatiently watching for the _exeunt_ of our worthies.--They +mount, and away--trot, trot--bump, bump--trot, trot--bump, bump--over +Addington Heath, through the village, and up the hill to Hayes Common, +which having gained, spurs are applied, and any slight degree of +pursiness that the good steeds may have acquired by standing at livery +in Cripplegate, or elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a +smart brush over the turf, to the "Fox," at Keston, where a numerous +assemblage of true sportsmen patiently await the usual hour for throwing +off. At length time being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, and Mr. +Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal subscribers having cast up, +the hounds approach the cover. "Yooi in there!" shouts Tom Hills, who +has long hunted this crack pack; and crack! crack! crack! go the whips +of some scores of sportsmen. "Yelp, yelp, yelp," howl the hounds; and in +about a quarter of an hour Tom has not above four or five couple at his +heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad at a gap in the +fence by the wood-side; the old nag goes well at it, but stops short at +the critical moment, and, instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels +round. Tom, however, who is "large in the boiling pieces," as they say +at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight from being shaken out of his +saddle; and, being resolved to take no denial, he lays the crop of his +hunting-whip about the head of his beast, and runs him at the same spot +a second time, with an _obligato_ accompaniment of his spur-rowels, +backed by a "curm along then!" issued in such a tone as plainly informs +his quadruped he is in no joking humour. These incentives succeed in +landing Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when, immediately, +the wood begins to resound with shouts of "Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks +True-bo-y, yoicks push him up, yoicks wind him!" and the whole pack +begin to work like good 'uns. Occasionally may be heard the howl of some +unfortunate hound that has been caught in a fox trap, or taken in a hare +snare; and not unfrequently the discordant growls of some three or +four more, vociferously quarrelling over the venerable remains of some +defunct rabbit. "Oh, you rogues!" cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously +fond of the sport. After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the wood +for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastising the gourmands. Another +quarter of an hour, and a hound that has finished his coney bone slips +out of the wood, and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, no +doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching his hide among +brambles in the covers. "Hounds have no right to opine," opines the head +whipper-in; so clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the +delinquent round the common, with "Markis, Markis! what are you at, +Markis? get into cover, Markis!" But "it's no go"; Marquis creeps +through a hedge, and "grins horribly a ghastly smile" at his ruthless +tormentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had an excuse for +taking "a bit gallop"! Half an hour more slips away, and some of +the least hasty of our cits begin to wax impatient, in spite of the +oft-repeated admonition, "don't be in a hurry!" At length a yokel pops +out of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered breath, informs the +field that he has been "a-hollorin' to 'em for half an hour," and that +the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, 'most as soon as ever the 'oounds +went into 'ood." + +All is now hurry-scurry--girths are tightened--reins gathered +up--half-munched sandwiches thrust into the mouth--pocket-pistols +applied to--coats comfortably buttoned up to the throat; and, these +preparations made, away goes the whole field, "coolly and fairly," along +the road to Leaves Green and Crown Ash Hill--from which latter spot, the +operations of the pack in the bottom may be comfortably and securely +viewed--leaving the whips to flog as many hounds out of cover as they +can, and Tom to entice as many more as are willing to follow the "twang, +twang, twang" of his horn. + +And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been seduced from the +wood, forth sallies "Tummas," and making straight for the spot where our +yokel's "mate" stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him the +exact latitude and longitude of the spot where reynard broke through the +hedge. To this identical place is the pack forthwith led; and, no sooner +have they reached it, than the wagging of their sterns clearly shows how +genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at length, first looking up in +Tom's face for applause, ventures to send forth a long-drawn howl, +which, coupled with Tom's screech, setting the rest agog, away they all +go, like beans; and the wind, fortunately setting towards Westerham, +bears the melodious sound to the delighted ears of our "roadsters," who, +forthwith catching the infection, respond with deafening shouts and +joyous yells, set to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony. +Thus, what with Tom's horn, the holloaing of the whips, and the shouts +of the riders, a very pretty notion may be formed of what Virgil calls: + + "Clamorque virūm, clangorque tubarum." + +A terrible noise is the result! + +At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come to fault in the +bottom, below the blacksmith's, at Crown Ash Hill, and the fox has a +capital chance; in fact, they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, +which rushed out before them, and finding their mistake, return at their +leisure. This gives the most daring of the field, on the eminence, an +opportunity of descending to view the sport more closely; and being +assembled in the bottom, each congratulates his neighbour on the +excellent condition and stanchness of the hounds, and the admirable view +that has been afforded them of their peculiar style of hunting. At this +interesting period, a "regular swell" from Melton Mowbray, unknown to +everyone except his tailor, to whom he owes a long tick, makes his +appearance and affords abundance of merriment for our sportsmen. He +is just turned out of the hands of his valet, and presents the very +beau-ideal of his caste--"quite the lady," in fact. His hat is stuck on +one side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed ringlets; a corresponding +infinity of whisker, terminating at the chin, there joins an enormous +pair of moustaches, which give him the appearance of having caught the +fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His neck is very stiff; +and the exact Jackson-like fit of his coat, which almost nips him in two +at the waist, and his superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,[2] +together with the perfume and the general puppyism of his appearance, +proclaim that he is a "swell" of the very first water, and one that a +Surrey sportsman would like to buy at his own price and sell at the +other's. In addition to this, his boots, which his "fellow" has +just denuded from a pair of wash-leather covers, are of the finest, +brightest, blackest patent leather imaginable; the left one being the +identical boot by which Warren's monkey shaved himself, while the right +is the one at which the game-cock pecked, mistaking its own shadow for +an opponent, the mark of its bill being still visible above the instep; +and the tops--whose pampered appetites have been fed on champagne--are +of the most delicate cream-colour, the whole devoid of mud or speck. The +animal he bestrides is no less calculated than himself to excite the +risible faculties of the field, being a sort of mouse colour, with dun +mane and tail, got by Nicolo, out of a flibbertigibbet mare, and he +stands seventeen hands and an inch. His head is small and blood-like, +his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very long and spidery, of course +without any hair at the pasterns to protect them from the flints; his +whole appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile hunters' +stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than contend for foxes' brushes in +such a splendid country as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail +stuck tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all the world as +if troubled with a fit of ague. And well he may, poor beast, for--oh, +men of Surrey, London, Kent, and Middlesex, hearken to my word--on +closer inspection he proves to have been shaved!!![3] + +[Footnote 2: Anderson, of South Audley Street, is, or was, a famous +breeches-maker.] + +[Footnote 3: Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back. It +was succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing.] + +After a considerable time spent in casting to the right, the left, and +the rear, "True-bouy" chances to take a fling in advance, and hitting +upon the scent, proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing all +his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over some brick-fields and +flint-beds, to an old lady's flower-garden, through which they carry it +with a surprising head into the fields beyond, when they begin to fall +into line, and the sportsmen doing the same--"one at a time and it will +last the longer"--"Tummas" tootles his horn, the hunt is up, and away +they all rattle at "Parliament pace," as the hackney-coachmen say. + +Our swell, who flatters himself he can "ride a few," according to the +fashion of his country, takes up a line of his own, abreast of the +leading hounds, notwithstanding the oft vociferated cry of "Hold hard, +sir!" "Pray, hold hard, sir!" "For God's sake, hold hard, sir!" "G--d +d--n you, hold hard, sir!" "Where the h--ll are you going to, sir?" and +other familiar inquiries and benedictions, with which a stranger is +sometimes greeted, who ventures to take a look at a strange pack of +hounds. + +In the meantime the fox, who has often had a game at romps with his +pursuers, being resolved this time to give them a tickler, bears +straight away for Westerham, to the infinite satisfaction of the "hill +folks," who thus have an excellent opportunity of seeing the run without +putting their horses to the trouble of "rejoicing in their strength, or +pawing in the valley." But who is so fortunate as to be near the scene +of action in this second scurry, almost as fast as the first? Our fancy +supplies us, and there not being many, we will just initialise them all, +and let he whom the cap fits put it on. + +If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three couple of hounds +that are leading by some half mile or so, we shall see "Swell"--like a +monkey on a giraffe--striding away in the true Leicestershire style; the +animal contracting its stride after every exertion in pulling its long +legs out of the deep and clayey soil, until the Bromley barber, who has +been quilting his mule along at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon at +anyone presuming to exercise his profession upon a dumb brute, overtakes +him, and in the endeavour to pass, lays it into his mule in a style that +would insure him rotatory occupation at Brixton for his spindles, should +any member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals +witness his proceedings; while his friend and neighbour old B----, the +tinker, plies his little mare with the Brummagems, to be ready to ride +over "Swell" the instant the barber gets him down. On the right of the +leading hounds are three crack members of the Surrey, Messrs. B--e, +S--bs, and B--l, all lads who can go; while a long way in the rear of +the body of the pack are some dozen, who, while they sat on the hills, +thought they could also, but who now find out their mistake. Down Windy +Lane, a glimpse of a few red coats may be caught passing the gaps and +weak parts of the fence, among whom we distinctly recognise the worthy +master of the pack, followed by Jorrocks, with his long coat-laps +floating in the breeze, who thinking that "catching-time" must be near +at hand, and being dearly fond of blood, has descended from his high +station to witness the close of the scene. "Vot a pace! and vot a +country!" cries the grocer, standing high in his stirrups, and bending +over the neck of his chestnut as though he were meditating a plunge over +his head; "how they stick to him! vot a pack! by Jove they are at fault +again. Yooi, Pilgrim! Yooi, Warbler, ma load! (lad). Tom, try down the +hedge-row." "Hold your jaw, Mr. J----," cries Tom, "you are always +throwing that red rag of yours. I wish you would keep your potato-trap +shut. See! you've made every hound throw up, and it's ten to one that +ne'er a one among 'em will stoop again." "Yonder he goes," cries a cock +of the old school, who used to hunt with Colonel Jolliffe's hounds, +and still sports the long blue surtout lined with orange, yellow-ochre +unmentionables, and mahogany-coloured knee-caps, with mother-of-pearl +buttons. "Yonder he goes among the ship (sheep), for a thousand! see how +the skulking waggabone makes them scamper." At this particular moment +a shrill scream is heard at the far end of a long shaw, and every man +pushes on to the best of his endeavour. "Holloo o-o-u, h'loo o-o-u, +h'loo--o-o-u, gone away! gone away! forward! forrard! hark back! hark +forrard! hark forrard! hark back!" resounds from every mouth. "He's +making for the 'oods beyond Addington, and we shall have a rare teaser +up these hills," cries Jorrocks, throwing his arms round his horse's +neck as he reaches the foot of them.--"D--n your hills," cries "Swell," +as he suddenly finds himself sitting on the hindquarters of his horse, +his saddle having slipped back for want of a breastplate,--"I wish the +hills had been piled on your back, and the flints thrust down your +confounded throat, before I came into such a cursed provincial." "Haw, +haw, haw!" roars a Croydon butcher. "What don't 'e like it, sir, eh? too +sharp to be pleasant, eh?--Your nag should have put on his boots before +he showed among us." + +"He's making straight for Fuller's farm," exclaims a thirsty veteran on +reaching the top, "and I'll pull up and have a nip of ale, please God." +"Hang your ale," cries a certain sporting cheesemonger, "you had better +come out with a barrel of it tacked to your horse's tail."--"Or 'unt on +a steam-engine," adds his friend the omnibus proprietor, "and then +you can brew as you go." "We shall have the Croydon Canal," cries Mr. +H----n, of Tottenham, who knows every flint in the country, "and how +will you like that, my hearties?" "Curse the Croydon Canal," bawls the +little Bromley barber, "my mule can swim like a soap-bladder, and my +toggery can't spoil, thank God!" + +The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's farm, the villain finds +no place to hide; and in two minutes, or less, the canal appears in +view. It is full of craft, and the locks are open, but there is a bridge +about half a mile to the right. "If my horse can do nothing else he can +jump this," cries "Swell," as he gathers him together, and prepares for +the effort. He hardens his heart and goes at it full tilt, and the leggy +animal lands him three yards on the other side. "Curse this fellow," +cries Jorrocks, grinning with rage as he sees "Swell" skimming through +the air like a swallow on a summer's eve, "he'll have a laugh at the +Surrey, for ever and ever, Amen. Oh, dear! oh, dear! I wish I durst leap +it. What shall I do? Here bargee," cries he to a bargeman, "lend us a +help over and I'll give you ninepence." The bargeman takes him at his +word, and getting the vessel close to the water's edge, Jorrocks has +nothing to do but ride in, and, the opposite bank being accommodating, +he lands without difficulty. Ramming his spurs into his nag, he now +starts after "Swell," who is sailing away with a few couple of hounds +that took the canal; the body of the pack and all the rest of the +field--except the Bromley barber, who is now floundering in the +water--having gone round to the bridge. + +The country is open, the line being across commons and along roads, so +that Jorrocks, who is not afraid of "the pace" so long as there is no +leaping, has a pretty good chance with "Swell." The scene now shifts. On +turning out of a lane, along which they have just rattled, a fence of +this description appears: The bottom part is made of flints, and the +upper part of mud, with gorse stuck along the top, and there is a gutter +on each side. Jorrocks, seeing that a leap is likely, hangs astern, and +"Swell," thinking to shake off his only opponent, and to have a rare +laugh at the Surrey when he gets back to Melton, puts his nag at it most +manfully, who, though somewhat blown, manages to get his long carcass +over, but, unfortunately alighting on a bed of flints on the far side, +cuts a back sinew, and "Swell" measures his length on the headland. +Jorrocks then pulls up. + +The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death, and we are happy in +being able to gratify our readers with a similar entertainment. Already +have the best-mounted men in the field attained the summit of one of the +Mont Blancs of the country, when on looking down the other side of the +"mountain's brow," they, to their infinite astonishment, espy at some +distance our "Swell" dismounted and playing at "pull devil, pull +baker" with the hounds, whose discordant bickerings rend the skies. +"Whoo-hoop!" cries one; "whoo-hoop!" responds another; "whoo-hoop!" +screams a third; and the contagion spreading, and each man dismounting, +they descend the hill with due caution, whoo-hooping, hallooing, and +congratulating each other on the splendour of the run, interspersed with +divers surmises as to what mighty magic had aided the hounds in getting +on such good terms with the warmint, and exclamations at the good +fortune of the stranger, in being able (by nicking,[4] and the fox +changing his line) to get in at the finish. + +[Footnote 4: A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members of +the hunt.] + +And now some dozens of sportsmen quietly ambling up to the scene of +action, view with delight (alone equalled by their wonder at so unusual +and unexpected an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as they dispute +with each other the possession of their victim's remains, when suddenly +a gentleman, clad in a bright green silk-velvet shooting-coat, with +white leathers, and Hessian boots with large tassels, carrying his Joe +Manton on his shoulder, issues from an adjoining coppice, and commences +a loud complaint of the "unhandsome conduct of the gentlemen's 'ounds in +devouring the 'are (hare) which he had taken so much pains to shoot." +Scarcely are these words out of his mouth than the whole hunt, from +Jorrocks downwards, let drive such a rich torrent of abuse at our +unfortunate _chasseur_, that he is fain to betake himself to his heels, +leaving them undisputed masters of the field. + +The visages of our sportsmen become dismally lengthened on finding that +their fox has been "gathered unto his fathers" by means of hot lead and +that villainous saltpetre "digged out of the bowels of the harmless +earth"; some few, indeed, there are who are bold enough to declare that +the pack has actually made a meal of a hare, and that their fox is +snugly earthed in the neighbouring cover. However, as there are no +"reliquias Danaum," to prove or disprove this assertion, Tom Hills, +having an eye to the cap-money, ventures to give it as his opinion, +that pug has fairly yielded to his invincible pursuers, without having +"dropped to shot." This appearing to give very general satisfaction, the +first whip makes no scruple of swearing that he saw the hounds pull him +down fairly; and Peckham, drawing his mouth up on one side, with his +usual intellectual grin, takes a similar affidavit. The Bromley barber +too, anxious to have it to say that he has for once been in at the death +of a fox, vows by his beard that he saw the "varmint" lathered in style; +and these protestations being received with clamorous applause, and +everyone being pleased to have so unusual an event to record to his +admiring spouse, agrees that a fox has not only been killed, but killed +in a most sportsmanlike, workmanlike, businesslike manner; and long and +loud are the congratulations, great is the increased importance of each +man's physiognomy, and thereupon they all lug out their half-crowns for +Tom Hills. + +In the meantime our "Swell" lays hold of his nag--who is sorely damaged +with the flints, and whose wind has been pretty well pumped out of +him by the hills--and proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly +promising himself for the future most studiously to avoid the renowned +county of Surrey, its woods, its barbers, its mountains, and its flints, +and to leave more daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it +presents; most religiously resolving, at the same time, to return as +speedily as possible to his dear Leicestershire, there to amble o'er +the turf, and fancy himself an "angel on horseback." The story of the +country mouse, who must needs see the town, occurs forcibly to his +recollection, and he exclaims aloud: + + "me sylva, cavusque + Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo." + +On overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to his brother +subscribers, and informs them, very gravely, that the stranger is no +less a personage than "Prince Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and +minister plenipotentiary extraordinary," whereupon the whole field join +in wishing him safe back in Russia--or anywhere else--and wonder at his +incredible assurance in supposing that he could cope with THE SURREY +HUNT. + + + +II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY + +It is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds they individually hunt +with are the best--compared with them all others are "slow." + +Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks--who in addition +to the conspicuous place he holds in the Surrey Hunt, as shown in the +preceding chapter, we should introduce to our readers as a substantial +grocer in St. Botolph's Lane, with an elegant residence in Great Coram +Street, Russell Square--has his full, if not rather more than his fair +share. Vanity, however, is never satisfied without display, and Mr. +Jorrocks longed for a customer before whom he could exhibit the prowess +of his[5] pack. + +[Footnote 5: Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the +hounds as their own.] + +Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman, who frequently appearing +in subsequent pages, we may introduce as a loosish sort of hand, up to +anything in the way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash--a character +so common in London, as to render further description needless. + +Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a dragoon, is nothing +without his horse, and if he does understand anything better than +racing--it is hunting. Our readers will therefore readily conceive that +a Yorkshireman is more likely to be astonished at the possibility of +fox-hunting from London, than captivated by the country, or style of +turn-out; and in truth, looking at it calmly and dispassionately, in our +easy-chair drawn to a window which overlooks the cream of the grazing +grounds in the Vale of White Horse, it does strike us with astonishment, +that such a thing as a fox should be found within a day's ride of the +suburbs. The very idea seems preposterous, for one cannot but associate +the charms of a "find" with the horrors of "going to ground" in an +omnibus, or the fox being headed by a great Dr. Eady placard, or some +such monstrosity. Mr. Mayne,[6] to be sure, has brought racing home to +every man's door, but fox-hunting is not quite so tractable a sport. But +to our story. + +[Footnote 6: The promoter of the Hippodrome, near Bayswater--a +speculation that soon came to grief.] + +It was on a nasty, cold, foggy, dark, drizzling morning in the month of +February, that the Yorkshireman, having been offered a "mount" by Mr. +Jorrocks, found himself shivering under the Piazza in Covent Garden +about seven o'clock, surrounded by cabs, cabbages, carrots, ducks, +dollys, and drabs of all sorts, waiting for his horse and the appearance +of the friend who had seduced him into the extraordinary predicament of +attiring himself in top-boots and breeches in London. After pacing up +and down some minutes, the sound of a horse's hoofs were heard turning +down from Long Acre, and reaching the lamp-post at the corner of James +Street, his astonished eyes were struck with the sight of a man in a +capacious, long, full-tailed, red frock coat reaching nearly to his +spurs, with mother-of-pearl buttons, with sporting devices--which +afterwards proved to be foxes, done in black--brown shag breeches, that +would have been spurned by the late worthy master of the Hurworth,[7] +and boots, that looked for all the world as if they were made to tear up +the very land and soil, tied round the knees with pieces of white tape, +the flowing ends of which dangled over the mahogany-coloured tops. Mr. +Jorrocks--whose dark collar, green to his coat, and _tout ensemble_, +might have caused him to be mistaken for a mounted general postman--was +on a most becoming steed--a great raking, raw-boned chestnut, with a +twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated with a faded yellow silk front, +a nose-band, and an ivory ring under his jaws, for the double purpose +of keeping the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head--the nag +having flattened the noses and otherwise damaged the countenances of his +two previous owners, who had not the knack of preventing him tossing +his head in their faces. The saddle--large and capacious--made on the +principle of the impossibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding +plate--was "spick and span new," as was an enormous hunting-whip, whose +iron-headed hammer he clenched in a way that would make the blood curdle +in one's veins, to see such an instrument in the hands of a misguided +man. + +[Footnote 7: The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called "Matty Wilkinson," +master of the Hurworth foxhounds, was a rigid adherent of the +"d----n-all-dandy" school of sportsmen.] + +"Punctuality is the politeness of princes," said Mr. Jorrocks, raising a +broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned hat, as high as a green hunting-cord which +tackled it to his yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow, as he +came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner. "My soul's on fire and eager +for the chase! By heavens, I declare I've dreamt of nothing else all +night, and the worst of it is, that in a par-ox-ism of delight, when +I thought I saw the darlings running into the warmint, I brought Mrs. +J---- such a dig in the side as knocked her out of bed, and she swears +she'll go to Jenner, and the court for the protection of injured ribs! +But come--jump up--where's your nag? Binjimin, you blackguard, where are +you? The fog is blinding me, I declare! Binjimin, I say! Binjimin! you +willain, where are you?" + +"Here, sir! coming!" responded a voice from the bottom of one of the +long mugs at a street breakfast stall, which the fog almost concealed +from their view, and presently an urchin in a drab coat and blue collar +came towing a wretched, ewe-necked, hungry-looking, roan rosinante along +from where he had been regaling himself with a mug of undeniable bohea, +sweetened with a composition of brown sugar and sand. + +"Now be after getting up," said Jorrocks, "for time and the Surrey +'ounds wait for no man. That's not a werry elegant tit, but still +it'll carry you to Croydon well enough, where I'll put you on a most +undeniable bit of 'orse-flesh--a reg'lar clipper. That's a hack--what +they calls three-and-sixpence a side, but I only pays half a crown. +Now, Binjimin, cut away home, and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at +half-past five to a minute, and to be most particular in doing the lamb +to a turn." + +The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the old flat-flapped hack +saddle, and got his stirrups let out from "Binjimin's" length to his +own, gathered up the stiff, weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a +touch with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr. Jorrocks. The +morning appeared to be getting worse. Instead of the grey day-dawn of +the country, when the thin transparent mist gradually rises from the +hills, revealing an unclouded landscape, a dense, thick, yellow fog +came rolling in masses along the streets, obscuring the gas lights, and +rendering every step one of peril. It could be both eat and felt, and +the damp struck through their clothes in the most summary manner. "This +is bad," said Mr. Jorrocks, coughing as he turned the corner by Drury +Lane, making for Catherine Street, and upset an early breakfast and +periwinkle stall, by catching one corner of the fragile fabric with his +toe, having ridden too near to the pavement. "Where are you for now? and +bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster!" roared a stout Irish wench, emerging +from a neighbouring gin-palace on seeing the dainty viands rolling in +the street. "Cut away!" cried Jorrocks to his friend, running his horse +between one of George Stapleton's dust-carts and a hackney-coach, "or +the Philistines will be upon us." The fog and crowd concealed them, +but "Holloa! mind where you're going, you great haw-buck!" from a +buy-a-hearth-stone boy, whose stock-in-trade Jorrocks nearly demolished, +as he crossed the corner of Catherine Street before him, again roused +his vigilance. "The deuce be in the fog," said he, "I declare I can't +see across the Strand. It's as dark as a wolf's mouth.--Now where are +you going to with that meazly-looking cab of yours?--you've nearly run +your shafts into my 'oss's ribs!" cried he to a cabman who nearly upset +him. The Strand was kept alive by a few slip-shod housemaids, on their +marrow-bones, washing the doorsteps, or ogling the neighbouring pot-boy +on his morning errand for the pewters. Now and then a crazy jarvey +passed slowly by, while a hurrying mail, with a drowsy driver and +sleeping guard, rattled by to deliver their cargo at the post office. +Here and there appeared one of those beings, who like the owl hide +themselves by day, and are visible only in the dusk. Many of +them appeared to belong to the other world. Poor, puny, ragged, +sickly-looking creatures, that seemed as though they had been suckled +and reared with gin. "How different," thought the Yorkshireman to +himself, "to the fine, stout, active labourer one meets at an early hour +on a hunting morning in the country!" His reverie was interrupted on +arriving opposite the _Morning Chronicle_ office, by the most discordant +yells that ever issued from human beings, and on examining the quarter +from whence they proceeded, a group of fifty or a hundred boys, or +rather little old men, were seen with newspapers in their hands and +under their arms, in all the activity of speculation and exchange. "A +clean _Post_ for Tuesday's _Times_!" bellowed one. "I want the _Hurl_! +(Herald) for the _Satirist_!" shouted another. "Bell's _Life_ for the +_Bull_! _The Spectator_ for the _Sunday Times_!" + +The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a change of the chorus, +and immediately Jorrocks was assailed with "A hunter! a hunter! crikey, +a hunter! My eyes! there's a gamecock for you! Vot a beauty! Vere do you +turn out to-day? Vere's the stag? Don't tumble off, old boy! 'Ave you +got ever a rope in your pocket? Take Bell's _Life in London_, vot +contains all the sporting news of the country! Vot a vip the gemman's +got! Vot a precious basternadering he could give us--my eyes, vot a +swell!--vot a shocking bad hat!_[8]--vot shocking bad breeches!" + +[Footnote 8: "Vot a shocking bad hat!"--a slang cockney phrase of 1831.] + +The fog, which became denser at every step, by the time they reached St. +Clement's Danes rendered their further progress almost impossible.--"Oh, +dear! oh, dear! how unlucky," exclaimed Jorrocks, "I would have given +twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine day--and see what a thing we've +got! Hold my 'oss," said he to the Yorkshireman, "while I run into the +'Angel,' and borrow an argand burner, or we shall be endorsed[9] to a +dead certainty." Off he got, and ran to the inn. Presently he emerged +from the yard--followed by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters, cads, +waiters and others, amid loud cries of "Flare up, flare up, old cock! +talliho fox-hunter!"--with a bright mail-coach footboard lamp, strapped +to his middle, which, lighting up the whole of his broad back now cased +in scarlet, gave him the appearance of a gigantic red-and-gold insurance +office badge, or an elderly cherub without wings. + +[Footnote 9: City--for having a pole run into one's rear.] + +The hackney-coach-and cab-men, along whose lines they passed, could not +make him out at all. Some thought he was a mail-coach guard riding +post with the bags; but as the light was pretty strong he trotted +on regardless of observation. The fog, however, abated none of its +denseness even on the "Surrey side," and before they reached the +"Elephant and Castle," Jorrocks had run against two trucks, three +watercress women, one pies-all-ot!-all-ot! man, dispersed a whole covey +of Welsh milkmaids, and rode slap over one end of a buy 'at (hat) box! +bonnet-box! man's pole, damaging a dozen paste-boards, and finally +upsetting Balham Hill Joe's Barcelona "come crack 'em and try 'em" stall +at the door of the inn, for all whose benedictions, the Yorkshireman, as +this great fox-hunting knight-errant's "Esquire," came in. + +Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to +desist from his quixotic undertaking, but he turned a deaf ear to his +entreaties. "We are getting fast into the country, and I hold it to +be utterly impossible for this fog to extend beyond Kennington +Common--'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as we approach the open. Indeed, +if I mistake not, I begin to sniff the morning air already, and hark! +there's a lark a-carrolling before us!" "Now, spooney! where are you +for?" bellowed a carter, breaking off in the middle of his whistle, as +Jorrocks rode slap against his leader, the concussion at once dispelling +the pleasing pastoral delusion, and nearly knocking Jorrocks off his +horse. + +As they approached Brixton Hill, a large red ball of lurid light +appeared in the firmament, and just at the moment up rode another member +of the Surrey Hunt in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane. "By +Jove, 'ow beautiful the moon is," said the latter, after the usual +salutations. "Moon!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "that's not never no moon--I +reckon it's Mrs. Graham's balloon." "Come, that's a good 'un," said +Crane, "perhaps you'll lay me an 'at about it". "Done!" said Mr. +Jorrocks, "a guinea one--and we'll ax my friend here.--Now, what's +that?" "Why, judging from its position and the hour, I should say it is +the sun!" was the reply. + +We have omitted to mention that this memorable day was a Saturday, +one on which civic sportsmen exhibit. We may also premise, that the +particular hunt we are about to describe, took place when there were +very many packs of hounds within reach of the metropolis, all of which +boasted their respective admiring subscribers. As our party proceeded +they overtook a gentleman perusing a long bill of the meets for the +next week, of at least half a dozen packs, the top of the list being +decorated with a cut of a stag-hunt, and the bottom containing a +notification that hunters were "carefully attended to by Charles +Morton,[10] at the 'Derby Arms,' Croydon," a snug rural _auberge_ near +the barrack. On the hunting bill-of-fare, were Mr. Jolliffe's foxhounds, +Mr. Meager's harriers, the Derby staghounds, the Sanderstead harriers, +the Union foxhounds, the Surrey foxhounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom +Downs, and dwarf foxhounds on Woolwich Common. What a list to bewilder a +stranger! The Yorkshireman left it all to Mr. Jorrocks. + +[Footnote 10: Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the +demise of the "Surrey staggers," Charley brushed off to the west, to +valet the gentlemen's hunters that attend the Royal Stag Hunt.--_Vide_ +Sir F. Grant's picture of the meet of the Royal Staghounds.] + +"You're for Jolliffe, I suppose," said the gentleman with the bill, +to another with a blue coat and buff lining. "He's at Chipstead +Church--only six miles from Croydon, a sure find and good country." +"What are you for, Mr. Jorrocks?" inquired another in green, with black +velvet breeches, Hessian boots, and a red waistcoat, who just rode up. +"My own, to be sure," said Jorrocks, taking hold of the green collar of +his coat, as much as to say, "How can you ask such a question?" "Oh, +no," said the gentleman in green, "Come to the stag--much better +sport--sure of a gallop--open country--get it over soon--back in town +before the post goes out." Before Mr. Jorrocks had time to make a reply +to this last interrogatory, they were overtaken by another horseman, +who came hopping along at a sort of a butcher's shuffle, on a worn-out, +three-legged, four-cornered hack, with one eye, a rat-tail, and a head +as large as a fiddle-case.--"Who's for the blue mottles?" said he, +casting a glance at their respective coats, and at length fixing it on +the Yorkshireman. "Why, Dickens, you're not going thistle-whipping with +that nice 'orse of yours," said the gentleman in the velvets; "come +and see the stag turned out--sure of a gallop--no hedges--soft +country--plenty of publics--far better sport, man, than pottering about +looking for your foxes and hares, and wasting your time; take my advice, +and come with me." "But," says Dickens, "my 'orse won't stand it; I had +him in the shay till eleven last night, and he came forty-three mile +with our traveller the day before, else he's a 'good 'un to go,' as you +know. Do you remember the owdacious leap he took over the tinker's tent, +at Epping 'Unt, last Easter? How he astonished the natives within!" +"Yes; but then, you know, you fell head-foremost through the canvas, and +no wonder your ugly mug frightened them," replied he of the velvets. +"Ay; but that was in consequence of my riding by balance instead of +gripping with my legs," replied Dickens; "you see, I had taken seven +lessons in riding at the school in Bidborough Street, Burton Crescent, +and they always told me to balance myself equally on the saddle, and +harden my heart, and ride at whatever came in the way; and the tinker's +tent coming first, why, naturally enough, I went at it. But I have had +some practice since then, and, of course, can stick on better. I have +'unted regularly ever since, and can 'do the trick' now." "What, summer +and winter?" said Jorrocks. "No," replied he, "but I have 'unted +regularly every fifth Saturday since the 'unting began." + +After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing, they arrived at the +end of the first stage on the road to the hunt, namely, the small town +of Croydon, the rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place was +alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats, black coats, brown +coats, in short, coats of all the colours of the rainbow. Horsemen were +mounting, horsemen were dismounting, one-horse "shays" and two-horse +chaises were discharging their burdens, grooms were buckling on their +masters' spurs, and others were pulling off their overalls. Eschewing +the "Greyhound," they turn short to the right, and make for the "Derby +Arms" hunting stables. + +Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was buckling on his armour +for the fight, for his soul, too, was "on fire, and eager for the +chase." He was for the "venison"; and having mounted his "deer-stalker," +was speedily joined by divers perfect "swells," in beautiful leathers, +beautiful coats, beautiful tops, beautiful everything, except horses, +and off they rode to cut in for the first course--a stag-hunt on a +Saturday being usually divided into three. + +The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's appetite; and feeling, +as he said, quite ready for his dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's +house--a kind of sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order, and +very good--where he baited himself on sausages and salt herrings, a +basin of new milk, with some "sticking powder" as he called it, _alias_ +rum, infused into it; and having deposited a half-quartern loaf in one +pocket, as a sort of balance against a huge bunch of keys which rattled +in the other, he pulled out his watch, and finding they had a quarter of +an hour to spare, proposed to chaperon the Yorkshireman on a tour of the +hunting stables. Jorrocks summoned the ostler, and with great dignity +led the way. "Humph," said he, evidently disappointed at seeing half the +stalls empty, "no great show this morning--pity--gentleman come from a +distance--should like to have shown him some good nags.--What sort of +a devil's this?" "Oh, sir, he's a good 'un, and nothing but a good +'un!--Leap! Lord love ye, he'll leap anything. A railway cut, a windmill +with the sails going, a navigable river with ships--anything in short. +This is the 'orse wot took the line of houses down at Beddington the day +they had the tremendious run from Reigate Hill." "And wot's the grey in +the far stall?" "Oh, that's Mr. Pepper's old nag--Pepper-Caster as we +call him, since he threw the old gemman, the morning they met at the +'Leg-of-Mutton' at Ashtead. But he's good for nothing. Bless ye! his +tail shakes for all the world like a pepper-box afore he's gone half a +mile. Those be yours in the far stalls, and since they were turned round +I've won a bob of a gemman who I bet I'd show him two 'osses with their +heads vere their tails should be.[11] I always says," added he with a +leer, "that you rides the best 'osses of any gemman vot comes to our +governor's." This flattered Jorrocks, and sidling up, he slipped a +shilling into his hand, saying, "Well--bring them out, and let's see how +they look this morning." The stall reins are slipped, and out they step +with their hoods on their quarters. One was a large, fat, full-sized +chestnut, with a white ratch down the full extent of his face, a long +square tail, bushy mane, with untrimmed heels. The other was a brown, +about fifteen two, coarse-headed, with a rat-tail, and collar-marked. +The tackle was the same as they came down with. "You'll do the trick on +that, I reckon," said Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chestnut, and +looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he mounted. "Tatt., and old Tatt., +and Tatt. sen. before him, all agree that they never knew a bad 'oss +with a rat-tail." + +[Footnote 11: A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round +in his stall.] + +"But, let me tell you, you must be werry lively, if you mean to live +with our 'ounds. They go like the wind. But come! touch him with the +spur, and let's do a trot." The Yorkshireman obeyed, and getting into +the main street, onwards they jogged, right through Croydon, and struck +into a line of villas of all sorts, shapes, and sizes, which extend for +several miles along the road, exhibiting all sorts of architecture, +Gothic, Corinthian, Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and Chinese. These gradually +diminished in number, and at length they found themselves on an open +heath, within a few miles of the meet of the "Surrey foxhounds". "Now", +says Mr. Jorrocks, clawing up his smalls, "you will see the werry finest +pack of hounds in all England; I don't care where the next best are; and +you will see as good a turn-out as ever you saw in your life, and as +nice a country to ride over as ever you were in". + +They reach the meet--a wayside public-house on a common, before which +the hounds with their attendants and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many +of them in scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received with the +greatest cordiality, amid whoops and holloas, and cries of "now +Twankay!--now Sugar!--now Figs!" Waving his hand in token of +recognition, he passed on and made straight for Tom Hill, with a face +full of importance, and nearly rode over a hound in his hurry. "Now, +Tom," said he, with the greatest energy, "do, my good fellow, strain +every nerve to show sport to-day.--A gentleman has come all the way from +the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the county of York, +to see our excellent 'ounds, and I would fain have him galvanised.--Do +show us a run, and let it end with blood, so that he may have something +to tell the natives when he gets back to his own parts. That's him, see, +sitting under the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat with basket buttons, +just striking a light on the pommel of his saddle to indulge in a +fumigation.--Keep your eye on him all day, and if you can lead him over +an awkward place, and get him a purl, so much the better.--If he'll risk +his neck I'll risk my 'oss's." + +The Yorkshireman, having lighted his cigar and tightened his girths, +rode leisurely among the horsemen, many of whom were in eager council, +and a gentle breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation to his ear. + +What is that hound got by? No. How is that horse bred? No. What sport +had you on Wednesday? No. Is it a likely find to-day? No, no, no; it was +not where the hounds, but what the Consols, left off at; what the four +per cents, and not the four horses, were up to; what the condition of +the money, not the horse, market. "Anything doing in Danish bonds, +sir?" said one. "You must do it by lease and release, and levy a fine," +replied another. Scott _v._ Brown, crim. con. to be heard on or before +Wednesday next.--Barley thirty-two to forty-two.--Fine upland meadow +and rye grass hay, seventy to eighty.--The last pocket of hops I sold +brought seven pounds fifteen shillings. Sussex bags six pounds ten +shillings.--There were only twenty-eight and a quarter ships at market, +"and coals are coals." "Glad to hear it, sir, for half the last you sent +me were slates."--"Best qualities of beef four shillings and eightpence +a stone--mutton three shillings and eightpence, to four shillings and +sixpence.--He was exceedingly ill when I paid my last visit--I gave him +nearly a stone of Epsom-salts, and bled him twice.--This horse would +suit you to a T, sir, but my skip-jack is coming out on one at two +o'clock that can carry a house.--See what a bosom this one's got.--Well, +Gunter, old boy, have you iced your horse to-day?--Have you heard that +Brown and Co. are in the _Gazette_? No, which Brown--not John Brown? +No, William Brown. What, Brown of Goodman's Fields? No, Brown of---- +Street--Brown_e_ with an _e_; you know the man I mean.--Oh, Lord, ay, +the man wot used to be called Nosey Browne." A general move ensued, and +they left "the meet." + +"Vere be you going to turn out pray, sir, may I inquire?" said a +gentleman in green to the huntsman, as he turned into a field. "Turn +out," said he, "why, ye don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye? +We throws off some two stones'-throw from here, if so be you mean what +cover we are going to draw." "No," said green-coat, "I mean where do +you turn out the stag?"--"D--n the stag, we know nothing about such +matters," replied the huntsman. "Ware wheat! ware wheat! ware wheat!" +was now the general cry, as a gentleman in nankeen pantaloons and +Hessian boots with long brass spurs, commenced a navigation across a +sprouting crop. "Ware wheat, ware wheat!" replied he, considering it +part of the ceremony of hunting, and continued his forward course. "Come +to my side," said Mr.----, to the whipper-in, "and meet that gentleman +as he arrives at yonder gate; and keep by him while I scold you."--"Now, +sir, most particularly d--n you, for riding slap-dash over the young +wheat, you most confounded insensible ignorant tinker, isn't the +headland wide enough both for you and your horse, even if your spurs +were as long again as they are?" Shouts of "Yooi over, over, over +hounds--try for him--yoicks--wind him! good dogs--yoicks! stir him +up--have at him there!"--here interrupted the jawbation, and the whip +rode off shaking his sides with laughter. "Your horse has got a stone in +each forefoot, and a thorn in his near hock," observed a dentist to a +wholesale haberdasher from Ludgate Hill, "allow me to extract them for +you--no pain, I assure--over before you know it." "Come away, hounds! +come away!" was heard, and presently the huntsman, with some of the pack +at his horse's heels, issued from the wood playing _Rule, Britannia!_ +on a key-bugle, while the cracks of heavy-thonged whips warned the +stragglers and loiterers to follow. "Music hath charms to soothe the +savage beast," observed Jorrocks, as he tucked the laps of his frock +over his thighs, "and I hope we shall find before long, else that +quarter of house-lamb will be utterly ruined. Oh, dear, they are going +below hill I do believe! why we shall never get home to-day, and I told +Mrs. Jorrocks half-past five to a minute, and I invited old Fleecy, who +is a most punctual man." + +Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived on the summit of a +range of steep hills commanding an extensive view over the neighbouring +country--almost, he said, as far as the sea-coast. The huntsman and +hounds went down, but many of the field held a council of war on the +top. "Well! who's going down?" said one. "I shall wait for the next +turn," said Jorrocks, "for my horse does not like collar work." "I shall +go this time," said another, "and the rest next." "And so will I," +said a third, "for mayhap there will be no second turn." "Ay," added a +fourth, "and he may go the other way, and then where-shall we all be?" +"Poh!" said Jorrocks, "did you ever know a Surrey fox not take to the +hills?--If he does not, I'll eat him without mint sauce," again harping +on the quarter of lamb. Facilis descensus Averni--two-thirds of the +field went down, leaving Jorrocks, two horse-dealers in scarlet, three +chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells in leathers, a whip, and the +Yorkshireman on the summit. "Why don't you go with the hounds?" inquired +the latter of the whip. "Oh, I wait here, sir," said he, "to meet Tom +Hills as he comes up, and to give him a fresh horse." "And who is Tom +Hills?" inquired the Yorkshireman. "Oh, he's our huntsman," replied he; +"you know Tom, don't you?" "Why, I can't say I do, exactly," said he; +"but tell me, is he called Hills because he rides up and down these +hills, or is that his real name?" "Hought! you know as well as I do," +said he, quite indignantly, "that Tom Hills is his name." + +The hounds, with the majority of the field, having effected the descent +of the hills, were now trotting on in the valley below, sufficiently +near, however, to allow our hill party full view of their proceedings. +After drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they assumed a line parallel +to the hills, and moved on to a wood of about ten acres, the west end +of which terminated in a natural gorse. "They'll find there to a +certainty," said Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out of his breeches' +pocket, and adjusting the sight. "Never saw it blank but once, and that +was the werry day the commercial panic of twenty-five commenced.--I +remember making an entry in my ledger when I got home to that effect. +Humph!" continued he, looking through the glass, "they are through the +wood, though, without a challenge.--Now, my booys, push him out of +the gorse! Let's see vot you're made of.--There goes the first 'ound +in.--It's Galloper, I believe.--I can almost see the bag of shot round +his neck.--Now they all follow.--One--two--three--four--five--all +together, my beauties! Oh, vot a sight! Peckham's cap's in the air, and +it's a find, by heavens!" Mr. Jorrocks is right.--The southerly wind +wafts up the fading notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus" in _Der Frieschutz_ +and confirms the fact.--Jorrocks is in ecstasies.--"Now," said he, +clawing up his breeches (for he dispenses with the article of +braces when out hunting), "that's what I calls fine. Oh, beautiful! +beautiful!--Now, follow me if you please, and if yon gentleman in drab +does not shoot the fox, he will be on the hills before long." Away +they scampered along the top of the ridge, with a complete view of the +operations below. At length Jorrocks stopped, and pulling the telescope +out, began making an observation. "There he is, at last," cried he, +"just crossed the corner of yon green field--now he creeps through the +hedge by the fir-tree, and is in the fallow one. Yet, stay--that's no +fox--it's a hare: and yet Tom Hills makes straight for the spot--and +did you hear that loud tally-ho? Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen, we shall be +laughed to scorn--what can they be doing--see, they take up the scent, +and the whole pack have joined in chorus. Great heavens, it's no more a +fox than I am!--No more brush than a badger! Oh, dear! oh, dear! that I +should live to see my old friends, the Surrey fox'ounds, 'unt hare, and +that too in the presence of a stranger." The animal made direct for the +hills--whatever it was, the hounds were on good terms with it, and got +away in good form. The sight was splendid--all the field got well off, +nor between the cover and the hills was there sufficient space for +tailing. A little elderly gentleman, in a pepper-and-salt coat, led the +way gallantly--then came the scarlets--then the darks--and then the +fustian-clad countrymen. Jorrocks was in a shocking state, and rolled +along the hill-tops, almost frantic. The field reached the bottom, and +the foremost commenced the steep ascent. + +"Oh, Tom Hills!--Tom Hills!--'what are you at? what are you after?'" +demanded Jorrocks, as he landed on the top. "Here's a gentleman come all +the way from the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the +county of York, to see our excellent 'ounds, and here you are running +a hare. Oh, Tom Hills! Tom Hills! ride forward, ride forward, and +whip them off, ere we eternally disgrace ourselves." "Oh," says Tom, +laughing, "he's a fox! but he's so tarnation frightened of our hounds, +that his brush dropped off through very fear, as soon as ever he heard +us go into the wood; if you go back, you'll find it somewhere, Mr. +Jorrocks; haw, haw, haw! No fox indeed!" said he.--"Forrard, hounds, +forrard!" And away he went--caught the old whipper-in, dismounted him in +a twinkling, and was on a fresh horse with his hounds in full cry. The +line of flight was still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly pressed +on, making a goodly rattle over the beds of flints. A check ensued. "The +guard on yonder nasty Brighton coach has frightened him with his horn," +said Tom; "now we must make a cast up to yonder garden, and see if he's +taken shelter among the geraniums in the green-house. As little damage +as possible, gentlemen, if you please, in riding through the nursery +grounds. Now, hold hard, sir--pray do--there's no occasion for you to +break the kale pots; he can't be under them. Ah, yonder he goes, the +tailless beggar; did you see him as he stole past the corner out of the +early-cabbage bed? Now bring on the hounds, and let us press him towards +London." + +"See the conquering hero comes", sounded through the avenue of elms as +Tom dashed forward with the merry, merry pack. "I shall stay on the +hills", said one, "and be ready for him as he comes back; I took a good +deal of the shine out of my horse in coming up this time". "I think +I will do the same", said two or three more. "Let's be doing", said +Jorrocks, ramming his spurs into his nag to seduce him into a gallop, +who after sending his heels in the air a few times in token of +his disapprobation of such treatment, at last put himself into a +round-rolling sort of canter, which Jorrocks kept up by dint of spurring +and dropping his great bastinaderer of a whip every now and then across +his shoulders. Away they go pounding together! + +The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified with a +turnip-field or market-garden, and every now and then a "willa" appears, +from which emerge footmen in jackets, and in yellow, red and green plush +breeches, with no end of admiring housemaids, governesses, and nurses +with children in their arms. + +Great was the emulation when any of these were approached, and the +rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly to the "fore." At last they approach +"Miss Birchwell's finishing and polishing seminary for young ladies," +whose great flaring blue-and-gold sign, reflecting the noonday rays of +the sun, had frightened the fox and caused him to alter his line and +take away to the west. A momentary check ensued, but all the amateur +huntsmen being blown, Tom, who is well up with his hounds, makes a quick +cast round the house, and hits off the scent like a workman. A private +road and a line of gates through fields now greet the eyes of our +M'Adamisers. A young gentleman on a hired hunter very nattily attired, +here singles himself out and takes place next to Tom, throwing the +pebbles and dirt back in the eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing +the gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman very coolly passes +through, without a touch, letting them bang-to behind him. The +Yorkshireman, who had been gradually creeping up, until he has got the +third place, having opened two or three, and seeing another likely to +close for want of a push, cries out to our friend as he approaches, "Put +out your hand, sir!" The gentleman obediently extends his limb like the +arm of a telegraph, and rides over half the next field with his hand in +the air! The gate, of course, falls to. + +A stopper appears--a gate locked and spiked, with a downward hinge to +prevent its being lifted. To the right is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond +it--to the left a quick fence. Tom glances at both, but turns short, +and backing his horse, rides at the rail. The Yorkshireman follows, but +Jorrocks, who espies a weak place in the fence a few yards from the +gate, turns short, and jumping off, prepares to lead over. It is an old +gap, and the farmer has placed a sheep hurdle on the far side. Just as +Jorrocks has pulled that out, his horse, who is a bit of a rusher, and +has got his "monkey" completely up, pushes forward while his master is +yet stooping--and hitting him in the rear, knocks him clean through the +fence, head foremost into a squire-trap beyond!--"Non redolet sed olet!" +exclaims the Yorkshireman, who dismounts in a twinkling, lending his +friend a hand out of the unsavoury cesspool.--"That's what comes of +hunting in a new[12] saddle, you see," added he, holding his nose. +Jorrocks scrambles upon "terra firma" and exhibits such a spectacle as +provokes the shouts of the field. He has lost his wig, his hat hangs to +his back, and one side of his person and face is completely japanned +with black odoriferous mixture. "My vig!" exclaims he, spitting and +spluttering, "but that's the nastiest hole I ever was in--Fleet Ditch is +lavender-water compared to it! Hooi yonder!" hailing a lad, "Catch +my 'oss, boouy!" Tom Hills has him; and Jorrocks, pocketing his wig, +remounts, rams his spurs into the nag, and again tackles with the pack, +which had come to a momentary check on the Eden Bridge road. The fox +has been headed by a party of gipsies, and, changing his point, bends +southward and again reaches the hills, along which some score of +horsemen have planted themselves in the likeliest places to head him. +Reynard, however, is too deep for them, and has stolen down unperceived. +Poor Jorrocks, what with the violent exertion of riding, his fall, and +the souvenir of the cesspool that he still bears about him, pulls up +fairly exhausted. "Oh, dear," says he, scraping the thick of the filth +off his coat with his whip, "I'm reglarly blown, I earn't go down with +the 'ounds this turn; but, my good fellow," turning to the Yorkshireman, +who was helping to purify him, "don't let me stop you, go down by all +means, but mind, bear in mind the quarter of house-lamb--at half-past +five to a minute." + +[Footnote 12: There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure +to get a fall the first day they appear in anything new.] + +Many of the cits now gladly avail themselves of the excuse of assisting +Mr. Jorrocks to clean himself for pulling up, but as soon as ever those +that are going below hill are out of sight and they have given him two +or three wipes, they advise him to let it "dry on," and immediately +commence a different sort of amusement--each man dives into his pocket +and produces the eatables. + +Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered with the captain of +an East Indiaman for a slice of buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged +some veal sandwiches with a Jew for ham ones; a lawyer from the Borough +offered two slices of toast for a hard-boiled egg; in fact there was a +petty market "ouvert" held. "Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle?" demanded +Jenkins. "Vy, I thought you would bring it out to-day," replied he; "I +brought it last time, you know." "Take a little of mine, sir," said a +gentleman, presenting a leather-covered flask--"real Thomson and Fearon, +I assure you." "I wish someone would fetch an ocean of porter from the +nearest public," said another. "Take a cigar, sir?" "No; I feel werry +much obliged, but they always make me womit." "Is there any gentleman +here going to Halifax, who would like to make a third in a new yellow +barouche, with lavender-coloured wheels, and pink lining?" inquired +Mr.----, the coach-maker. "Look at the hounds, gentlemen sportsmen, +my noble sportsmen!" bellowed out an Epsom Dorling's +correct--cardseller--and turning their eyes in the direction in which +he was looking, our sportsmen saw them again making for the hills. +Pepper-and-salt first, and oh, what a goodly tail was there!--three +quarters of a mile in length, at the least. Now up they come--the "corps +de reserve" again join, and again a party halt upon the hills. Again Tom +Hills exchanges horses; and again the hounds go on in full cry. "I must +be off," said a gentleman in balloon-like leathers to another tiger; "we +have just time to get back to town, and ride round by the park before it +is dark--much better than seeing the end of this brute. Let us go"; and +away they went to canter through Hyde Park in their red coats. "I must +go and all," said another gentleman; "my dinner will be ready at five, +and it is now three." Jorrocks was game; and forgetting the quarter of +house-lamb, again tackled with the pack. A smaller sweep sufficed this +time, and the hills were once more descended, Jorrocks the first to lead +the way. He well knew the fox was sinking, and was determined to be in +at the death. Short running ensued--a check--the fox had lain down, +and they had overrun the scent. Now they were on him, and Tom Hills's +who-whoop confirmed the whole. + +"Ah! Tom Hills, Tom Hills!" exclaimed Jorrocks, as the former took up +the fox, "'ow splendid, 'ow truly brilliant--by Jove, you deserve to +be Lord Hill--oh, had he but a brush that we might present it to this +gentleman from the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the +county of York, to show the gallant doings of the men of Surrey!" "Ay," +said Tom, "but Squire----'s keeper has been before us for it." + +"Now," said a gentleman in a cap, to another in a hat, "if you will +ride up the hill and collect the money there, I will do so +below--half-a-crown, if you please, sir--half-a-crown, if you please, +sir.--Have I got your half-a-crown, sir?"--"Here's three shillings if +you will give me sixpence." "Certainly, sir--certainly." "We have no +time to spare," said Jorrocks, looking at his watch. "Good afternoon, +gentlemen, good afternoon," muttering as he went, "a quarter of +house-lamb at half-past five--Mrs. Jorrocks werry punctual--old Fleecy +werry particular." They cut across country to Croydon, and as they +approached the town, innumerable sportsmen came flocking in from all +quarters. "What sport have you had?" inquired Jorrocks of a gentleman in +scarlet; "have you been with Jolliffe?" "No, with the staghounds; three +beautiful runs; took him once in a millpond, once in a barn, and once in +a brickfield--altogether the finest day's sport I ever saw in my life." +"What have you done, Mr. J----?" "Oh, we have had a most gallant thing; +a brilliant run indeed--three hours and twenty minutes without a +check--over the finest country imaginable." "And who got the brush?" +inquired the stag-man. "Oh, it was a gallant run," said Jorrocks, "by +far the finest I ever remember." "But did you kill?" demanded his +friend. "Kill! to be sure we did. When don't the Surrey kill, I should +like to know?" "And who got his brush, did you say?" "I can't tell," +said he--"didn't hear the gentleman's name." "What sport has Mr. Meager +had to-day?" inquired he of a gentleman in trousers, who issued from a +side lane into the high road. "I have been with the Sanderstead, sir--a +very capital day's sport--run five hares and killed three. We should +have killed four--only--we didn't." "I don't think Mr. Meager has done +anything to-day." "Yes, he has," said a gentleman, who just joined +with a hare buckled on in front of his saddle, and his white cords all +stained with blood; "we killed this chap after an hour and forty-five +minutes' gallop; and accounted for another by losing her after running +upwards of-three-quarters of an hour." "Well, then, we have all had +sport," said Jorrocks, as he spurred his horse into a trot, and made for +Morton's stables--"and if the quarter of house-lamb is but right, then +indeed am I a happy man." + + + +III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE + +Our readers are now becoming pretty familiar with our principal hero, +Mr. Jorrocks, and we hope he improves on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting +friends, we are sure, will allow him to be an enthusiastic member of the +brotherhood, and though we do not profess to put him in competition with +Musters, Osbaldeston, or any of those sort of men, we yet mean to say +that had his lot been cast in the country instead of behind a counter, +his keenness would have rendered him as conspicuous--if not as +scientific--as the best of them. + +For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very excellent fellow--frank, +hearty, open, generous, and hospitable, and with the exception of riding +up Fleet Street one Saturday afternoon, with a cock-pheasant's tail +sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever saw him do a cock tail +action in his life. + +The circumstances attending that exhibition are rather curious.--He had +gone out as usual on a Saturday to have a day with the Surrey, but on +mounting his hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag rather queer under him, +and thinking he might have been pricked in the shoeing, he pulled up at +the smith's at Addington to have his feet examined. This lost him five +minutes, and unfortunately when he got to the meet, he found that a +"travelling[13] fox" had been tallied at the precise moment of throwing +off, with which the hounds had gone away in their usual brilliant style, +to the tune of "Blue bonnets are over the border." As may be supposed, +he was in a deuce of a rage; and his first impulse prompted him to +withdraw his subscription and be done with the hunt altogether, and he +trotted forward "on the line," in the hopes of catching them up to tell +them so. In this he was foiled, for after riding some distance, he +overtook a string of Smithfield horses journeying "foreign for Evans," +whose imprints he had been taking for the hoof-marks of the hunters. +About noon he found himself dull, melancholy, and disconsolate, before +the sign of the "Pig and Whistle," on the Westerham road, where, after +wetting his own whistle with a pint of half-and-half, he again journeyed +onward, ruminating on the uncertainty and mutability of all earthly +affairs, the comparative merits of stag-, fox-, and hare-hunting, and +the necessity of getting rid of the day somehow or other in the country. + +[Footnote 13: He might well be called a "travelling fox," for it was +said he had just travelled down from Herring's, in the New Road, by the +Bromley stage.] + +Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by the discharge of a gun in the +field adjoining the hedge along which he was passing, and the boisterous +whirring of a great cock-pheasant over his head, which caused his horse +to start and stop short, and to nearly pitch Jorrocks over his head. The +bird was missed, but the sportsman's dog dashed after it, with all the +eagerness of expectation, regardless of the cracks of the whip--the +"comes to heel," and "downs to charge" of the master. Jorrocks pulled +out his hunting telescope, and having marked the bird down with the +precision of a billiard-table keeper, rode to the gate to acquaint the +shooter with the fact, when to his infinite amazement he discovered his +friend, Nosey Browne (late of "The Surrey"), who, since his affairs had +taken the unfortunate turn mentioned in the last paper, had given up +hunting and determined to confine himself to shooting only. Nosey, +however, was no great performer, as may be inferred, when we state that +he had been in pursuit of the above-mentioned cock-pheasant ever since +daybreak, and after firing thirteen shots at him had not yet touched a +feather. + +His dog was of the right sort--for Nosey at least--and hope deferred had +not made his heart sick; on the contrary, he dashed after his bird for +the thirteenth time with all the eagerness he displayed on the first. +"Let me have a crack at him," said Jorrocks to Nosey, after their mutual +salutations were over. "I know where he is, and I think I can floor +him." Browne handed the gun to Jorrocks, who, giving up his hunter in +exchange, strode off, and having marked his bird accurately, he kicked +him up out of a bit of furze, and knocked him down as "dead as a +door-nail." By that pheasant's tail hangs the present one. + +Now Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends, and Nosey's affairs +having gone crooked, why of course, like most men in a similar +situation, he was all the better for it; and while his creditors were +taking twopence-halfpenny in the pound, he was taking his diversion on +his wife's property, which a sagacious old father-in-law had secured to +the family in the event of such a contingency as a failure happening; so +knowing Jorrock's propensity for sports, and being desirous of chatting +over all his gallant doings with "The Surrey," shortly after the +above-mentioned day he dispatched a "twopenny," offering him a day's +shooting on his property in Surrey, adding, that he hoped he would dine +with him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with a freedom peculiar +to fox-hunters, invited his friend the Yorkshireman, and visiting his +armoury, selected him a regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of +carrying ten yards on every side. + +At the appointed hour on the appointed morning, the Yorkshireman +appeared in Great Coram Street, where he found Mr. Jorrocks in the +parlour in the act of settling himself into a new spruce green cut-away +gambroon butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets equal to holding +a powder-flask each, his lower man being attired in tight drab +stocking-net pantaloons, and Hessian boots with large tassels--a +striking contrast to the fustian pocket-and-all-pocket jackets marked +with game-bag strap, and shot-belt, and the weather-beaten many-coloured +breeches and gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose the equipment of +a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks not keeping any "sporting dogs," as +the tax-papers call them, had borrowed a fat house-dog--a cross between +a setter and a Dalmatian--of his friend Mr. Evergreen the greengrocer, +which he had seen make a most undeniable point one morning in the +Copenhagen Fields at a flock of pigeons in a beetroot garden. This +valuable animal was now attached by a trash-cord through a ring in his +brass collar to a leg of the sideboard, while a clean licked dish at his +side, showed that Jorrocks had been trying to attach him to himself, by +feeding him before starting. + +"We'll take a coach to the Castle", said Jorrocks, "and then get a +go-cart or a cast somehow or other to Streatham, for we shall have +walking enough when we get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and +will make us range every acre of his estate over half a dozen times +before we give in". A coach was speedily summoned, into which Jorrocks, +the dog Pompey, the Yorkshireman, and the guns were speedily placed, and +away they drove to the "Elephant and Castle." + +There were short stages about for every possible place except Streatham. +Greenwich, Deptford, Blackheath, Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham, +Lewisham--all places but the right. However, there were abundance of +"go-carts," a species of vehicle that ply in the outskirts of the +metropolis, and which, like the watering-place "fly," take their name +from the contrary--in fact, a sort of _lucus a non lucendo_. They are +carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains to protect the +company from the weather), the drivers of which, partly by cheating, and +partly by picking pockets, eke out a comfortable existence, and are +the most lawless set of rascals under the sun. Their arrival at +the "Elephant and Castle" was a signal for a general muster of the +fraternity, who, seeing the guns, were convinced that their journey was +only what they call "a few miles down the road," and they were speedily +surrounded by twenty or thirty of them, all with "excellent 'osses, vot +vould take their honours fourteen miles an hour." All men of business +are aware of the advantages of competition, and no one more so +than Jorrocks, who stood listening to their offers with the utmost +sang-froid, until he closed with one to take them to Streatham Church +for two shillings, and deliver them within the half-hour, which was a +signal for all the rest to set-to and abuse them, their coachman, and +his horse, which they swore had been carrying "stiff-uns" [14] all night, +and "could not go not none at all". Nor were they far wrong; for the +horse, after scrambling a hundred yards or two, gradually relaxed into +something between a walk and a trot, while the driver kept soliciting +every passer-by to "ride," much to our sportsmen's chagrin, who +conceived they were to have the "go" all to themselves. Remonstrance +was vain, and he crammed in a master chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger the +licensed dealer in tea, coffee, tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham +(a customer of Jorrocks), and a wet-nurse; and took up an Italian +organ-grinder to ride beside himself on the front, before they had +accomplished Brixton Hill. Jorrocks swore most lustily that he would +fine him, and at every fresh assurance, the driver offered a passer-by +a seat; but having enlisted Major Ballenger into their cause, they at +length made a stand, which, unfortunately for them, was more than the +horse could do, for just as he was showing off, as he thought, with a +bit of a trot, down they all soused in the mud. Great was the scramble; +guns, barrel-organ, Pompey, Jorrocks, driver, master chimney-sweep, +Major Ballenger, were all down together, while the wet-nurse, who sat at +the end nearest the door, was chucked clean over the hedge into a dry +ditch. This was a signal to quit the vessel, and having extricated +themselves the best way they could, they all set off on foot, and left +the driver to right himself at his leisure. + +[Footnote 14: Doing a bit of resurrection work.] + +Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they were going to Nosey +Browne's, for it so happened that Nosey had managed to walk into his +books for groceries and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen pounds, a +large sum to a man in a small way of business; and to be entertaining +friends so soon after his composition, seemed curious to Ballenger's +uninitiated suburban mind. + +Crossing Streatham Common, a short turn to the left by some yew-trees +leads, by a near cut across the fields, to Browne's house; a fiery-red +brick castellated cottage, standing on the slope of a gentle eminence, +and combining almost every absurdity a cockney imagination can be +capable of. Nosey, who was his own "Nash," set out with the intention of +making it a castle and nothing but a castle, and accordingly the windows +were made in the loophole fashion, and the door occupied a third of the +whole frontage. The inconveniences of the arrangements were soon felt, +for while the light was almost excluded from the rooms, "rude Boreas" +had the complete run of the castle whenever the door was opened. To +remedy this, Nosey increased the one and curtailed the other, and the +Gothic oak-painted windows and door flew from their positions to make +way for modern plate-glass in rich pea-green casements, and a door of +similar hue. The battlements, however, remained, and two wooden guns +guarded a brace of chimney-pots and commanded the wings of the castle, +one whereof was formed into a green-, the other into a gig-house. + +The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a garden-gate, surmounted by +a holly-bush with the top cut into the shape of a fox, announced their +arrival to the inhabitants of "Rosalinda Castle," and on entering they +discovered young Nosey in the act of bobbing for goldfish, in a +pond about the size of a soup-basin; while Nosey senior, a fat, +stupid-looking fellow, with a large corporation and a bottle nose, +attired in a single-breasted green cloth coat, buff waistcoat, with drab +shorts and continuations, was reposing, _sub tegmine fagi_, in a sort +of tea-garden arbour, overlooking a dung-heap, waiting their arrival to +commence an attack upon the sparrows which were regaling thereon. At +one end of the garden was a sort of temple, composed of oyster-shells, +containing a couple of carrier-pigeons, with which Nosey had intended +making his fortune, by the early information to be acquired by them: but +"there is many a slip," as Jorrocks would say. + +Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a visit to the larder, +and made up a stock of provisions equal to a journey through the +Wilderness, they adjourned to the yard to get the other dog, and the +man to carry the game--or rather, the prog, for the former was but +problematical. He was a character, a sort of chap of all work, one, in +short, "who has no objection to make himself generally useful"; but if +his genius had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination towards +sporting. + +Having to act the part of groom and gamekeeper during the morning, +and butler and footman in the afternoon, he was attired in a sort of +composition dress, savouring of the different characters performed. He +had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-coat cut down into a +shooting-jacket, with a whistle at the button-hole, red plush smalls, +and top-boots. + +There is nothing a cockney delights in more than aping a country +gentleman, and Browne fancied himself no bad hand at it; indeed, since +his London occupation was gone, he looked upon himself as a country +gentleman in fact. "Vell, Joe," said he, striddling and sticking his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, to this invaluable man of +all work, "we must show the gemmem some sport to-day; vich do you think +the best line to start upon--shall we go to the ten hacre field, or the +plantation, or Thompson's stubble, or Timms's turnips, or my meadow, or +vere?" "Vy, I doesn't know," said Joe; "there's that old hen-pheasant as +we calls Drab Bess, vot has haunted the plantin' these two seasons, and +none of us ever could 'it (hit), and I hears that Jack, and Tom, and +Bob, are still left out of Thompson's covey; but, my eyes! they're +'special vild!" "Vot, only three left? where is old Tom, and the old +ramping hen?" inquired Browne. "Oh, Mr. Smith, and a party of them 'ere +Bankside chaps, com'd down last Saturday's gone a week, and rattled +nine-and-twenty shots at the covey, and got the two old 'uns; at least +it's supposed they were both killed, though the seven on 'em only bagged +one bird; but I heard they got a goose or two as they vent home. They +had a shot at old Tom, the hare, too, but he is still alive; at least +I pricked him yesterday morn across the path into the turnip-field. +Suppose we goes at him first?" + +The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in quantity, but Browne +was a wise man and made the most of what he had, and when he used to +talk about his "manor" on 'Change, people thought he had at least a +thousand acres--the extent a cockney generally advertises for, when he +wants to take a shooting-place. The following is a sketch of what he +had: The east, as far as the eye could reach, was bounded by Norwood, +a name dear to cockneys, and the scene of many a furtive kiss; the +hereditaments and premises belonging to Isaac Cheatum, Esq. ran parallel +with it on the west, containing sixty-three acres, "be the same more or +less," separated from which, by a small brook or runner of water, came +the estate of Mr. Timms, consisting of sixty acres, three roods, and +twenty-four perches, commonly called or known by the name of Fordham; +next to it were two allotments in right of common, for all manner of +cattle, except cows, upon Streatham Common, from whence up to Rosalinda +Castle, on the west, lay the estate of Mr. Browne, consisting of fifty +acres and two perches. Now it so happened that Browne had formerly the +permission to sport all the way up to Norwood, a distance of a mile and +a half, and consequently he might have been said to have the right of +shooting in Norwood itself, for the keepers only direct their attention +to the preservation of the timber and the morals of the visitors; but +since his composition with his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, who had "gone to +the wall" himself in former years, was so scandalised at Browne doing +the same, that no sooner did his name appear in the _Gazette_, than +Cheatum withdrew his permission, thereby cutting him off from Norwood +and stopping him in pursuit of his game. + +Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks, in the most +orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint and steel fire-engine, and +proceeded to give it an uncommon good loading. The Yorkshireman, with +a look of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at Joe's plush +breeches and top-boots, did the same, while Nosey, in the most +considerate sportsmanlike manner, merely shouldered a stick, in order +that there might be no delicacy with his visitors, as to who should +shoot first--a piece of etiquette that aids the escape of many a bird in +the neighbourhood of London. + +Old Tom--a most unfortunate old hare, that what with the harriers, the +shooters, the snarers, and one thing and another, never knew a moment's +peace, and who must have started in the world with as many lives as +a cat--being doomed to receive the first crack on this occasion, our +sportsmen stole gently down the fallow, at the bottom of which were the +turnips, wherein he was said to repose; but scarcely had they reached +the hurdles which divided the field, before he was seen legging it away +clean out of shot. Jorrocks, who had brought his gun to bear upon him, +could scarcely refrain from letting drive, but thinking to come upon him +again by stealth, as he made his circuit for Norwood, he strode away +across the allotments and Fordham estate, and took up a position behind +a shed which stood on the confines of Mr. Timms's and Mr. Cheatum's +properties. Here, having procured a rest for his gun, he waited until +old Tom, who had tarried to nip a few blades of green grass that came +in his way, made his appearance. Presently he came cantering along the +outside of the wood, at a careless, easy sort of pace, betokening either +perfect indifference for the world's mischief, or utter contempt of +cockney sportsmen altogether. + +He was a melancholy, woe-begone-looking animal, long and lean, with a +slight inclination to grey on his dingy old coat, one that looked as +though he had survived his kindred and had already lived beyond his day. +Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and his eyes glistened as +he came within range of his gun. A well-timed shot ends poor Tom's +miseries! He springs into the air, and with a melancholy scream rolls +neck over heels. Knowing that Pompey would infallibly spoil him if he +got up first, Jorrocks, without waiting to load, was in the act of +starting off to pick him up, when, at the first step, he found himself +in the grasp of a Herculean monster, something between a coal-heaver and +a gamekeeper, who had been secreted behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who +had been watching his movements, holloaed out to Jorrocks to "hold +hard," who stood motionless, on the spot from whence he fired, and +Browne was speedily alongside of him. "You are on Squire Cheatum's +estate," said the man; "and I have authority to take up all poachers and +persons found unlawfully trespassing; what's your name?" "He's not on +Cheatum's estate," said Browne. "He is," said the man. "You're a liar," +said Browne. "You're another," said the man. And so they went on; for +when such gentlemen meet, compliments pass current. At length the keeper +pulled out a foot-rule, and keeping Jorrocks in the same position he +caught him, he set-to to measure the distance of his foot from the +boundary, taking off in a line from the shed; when it certainly did +appear that the length of a big toe was across the mark, and putting up +his measure again, he insisted upon taking Jorrocks before a magistrate +for the trespass. Of course, no objection could be made, and they all +adjourned to Mr. Boreem's, when the whole case was laid before him. To +cut a long matter short--after hearing the pros and cons, and referring +to the Act of Parliament, his worship decided that a trespass had been +committed; and though, he said, it went against the grain to do so, he +fined Jorrocks in the mitigated penalty of one pound one. + +This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned to the castle with +their prog untouched and no great appetite for dinner. Being only a +family party, when Mrs. B---- retired, the subject naturally turned upon +the morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks waxed more +valiant, until he swore he would appeal against the "conwiction"; and +remaining in the same mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the +Temple in his way to St. Botolph Lane and had six-and-eightpence worth +with Mr. Capias the attorney, who very judiciously argued each side of +the question without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a case +for counsel to advise upon. + +As usual, he gave one that would cut either way, though if it had any +tendency whatever it was to induce Jorrocks to go on; and he not wanting +much persuasion, it will not surprise our readers to hear that Jorrocks, +Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen a few days after crossing +Waterloo Bridge in a yellow post-chaise, on their way to Croydon +sessions. + +After a "guinea" consultation at the "Greyhound," they adjourned to the +court, which was excessively crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with +the farmers and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling, too, +running rather high at the time, there had been a strong "whip" among +the magistrates to get a full attendance to reverse Boreem's conviction, +who had made himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at the +election. Of course they all came in new hats,[15] and sat on the bench +looking as wise as gentlemen judges generally do. + +[Footnote 15: Magistrates always buy their hats about session times, as +they have the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in court.] + +One hundred and twenty-two affiliation cases (for this was in the +old Poor Law time) having been disposed of, about one o'clock in the +afternoon, the chairman, Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of the +day. He was a perfect prototype of a county magistrate--with a bald +powdered head covered by a low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, hair +terminating behind in a _queue_, resting on the ample collar of a +snuff-brown coat, with a large bay-window of a corporation, with +difficulty retained by the joint efforts of a buff waistcoat, and the +waistband of a pair of yellow leather breeches. His countenance, which +was solemn and grave in the extreme, might either be indicative of sense +or what often serves in the place of wisdom--when parties can only hold +their tongues--great natural stupidity. From the judge's seat, which he +occupied in the centre of the bench, he observed, with immense dignity, +"There is an appeal of Jorrocks against Cheatum, which we, the bench of +magistrates of our lord the king, will take if the parties are ready," +and immediately the court rang with "Jorrocks and Cheatum! Jorrocks and +Cheatum! Mr. Capias, attorney-at-law! Mr. Capias answer to his name! Mr. +Sharp attorney-at-law! Mr. Sharp's in the jury-room.--Then go fetch him +directly," from the ushers and bailiffs of the court; for though Tomkins +of Tomkins was slow himself, he insisted upon others being quick, and +was a great hand at prating about saving the time of the suitors. At +length the bustle of counsel crossing the table, parties coming in +and others leaving court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers responding, +gradually subsided into a whisper of, "That's Jorrocks! That's Cheatum!" +as the belligerent parties took their places by their respective +counsel. Silence having been called and procured, Mr. Smirk, a +goodish-looking man for a lawyer, having deliberately unfolded his +brief, which his clerk had scored plentifully in the margin, to make the +attorney believe he had read it very attentively, rose to address the +court--a signal for half the magistrates to pull their newspapers out of +their pockets, and the other half to settle themselves down for a nap, +all the sport being considered over when the affiliation cases closed. + +"I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr. Jorrocks," said Mr. +Smirk, "a gentleman of the very highest consideration--a fox-hunter--a +shooter--and a grocer. In ordinary cases it might be necessary to prove +the party's claim to respectability, but, in this instance, I feel +myself relieved from any such obligation, knowing, as I do, that there +is no one in this court, no one in these realms--I might almost add, +no one in this world--to whom the fame of my most respectable, my most +distinguished, and much injured client is unknown. Not to know JORROCKS +is indeed to argue oneself unknown." + +"This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I approach it with a deep +sense of its importance, conscious of my inability to do justice to the +subject, and lamenting that it has not been entrusted to abler hands. +It is a case involving the commercial and the sporting character of +a gentleman against whom the breath of calumny has never yet been +drawn--of a gentleman who in all the relations of life, whether as a +husband, a fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has invariably preserved +that character and reputation, so valuable in commercial life, so +necessary in the sporting world, and so indispensable to a man moving in +general society. Were I to look round London town in search of a bright +specimen of a man combining the upright, sterling integrity of the +honourable British merchant of former days with the ardour of the +English fox-hunter of modern times, I would select my most respectable +client, Mr. Jorrocks. He is a man for youth to imitate and revere! +Conceive, then, the horror of a man of his delicate sensibility--of his +nervous dread of depreciation--being compelled to appear here this +day to vindicate his character, nay more, his honour, from one of the +foulest attempts at conspiracy that was ever directed against any +individual. I say that a grosser attack was never made upon the +character of any grocer, and I look confidently to the reversion of this +unjust, unprecedented conviction, and to the triumphant victory of my +most respectable and public-spirited client. It is not for the sake of +the few paltry shillings that he appeals to this court--it is not for +the sake of calling in question the power of the constituted authorities +of this county--but it is for the vindication and preservation of a +character dear to all men, but doubly dear to a grocer, and which once +lost can never be regained. Look, I say, upon my client as he sits below +the witness-box, and say, if in that countenance there appears any +indication of a lawless or rebellious spirit; look, I say, if the milk +of human kindness is not strikingly portrayed in every feature, and +truly may I exclaim in the words of the poet:" + + If to his share some trifling errors fall, + Look in his face, and you'll forget them all.' + +"I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable time of the +court; but, sir, this appeal is based on a trespass, and one good +trespass deserves another." + +The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail the proceedings of the +day's shooting, and afterwards to analyse the enactments of the new Game +Bill, which he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and ridiculous, and +concluded a long and energetic speech, by calling upon the court to +reverse the decision of the magistrate, and not support the preposterous +position of fining a man for a trespass committed by his toe. + +After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Sergeant Bumptious, a stiff, +bull-headed little man, desperately pitted with the smallpox, rose to +reply, and looking round the court, thus commenced: + +"Five-and-thirty years have I passed in courts of justice, but never, +during a long and extensive practice, have I witnessed so gross a +perversion of that sublimest gift, called eloquence, as within the last +hour"--here he banged his brief against the table, and looked at Mr. +Smirk, who smiled.--"I lament, sir, that it has not been employed in a +better cause--(bang again--and another look). My learned friend has, +indeed, laboured to make the worse appear the better cause--to convert +into a trifle one of the most outrageous acts that ever disgraced a +human being or a civilised country. Well did he describe the importance +of this case!--important as regards his client's character--important +as regards this great and populous county--important as regards those +social ties by which society is held together--important as regards +a legislative enactment, and important as regards the well-being and +prosperity of the whole nation--(bang, bang, bang). I admire the +bombastic eloquence with which my learned friend introduced his +most distinguished client--his most delicate minded--sensitive +client!--Truly, to hear him speaking I should have thought he had been +describing a lovely, blushing young lady, but when he comes to exhibit +his paragon of perfection, and points out that great, red-faced, coarse, +vulgar-looking, lubberly lump of humanity--(here Bumptious looked at +Jorrocks as he would eat him)--sitting below the witness-box, and +seeks to enlist the sympathies of your worships on the Bench--of you, +gentlemen, the high-minded, shrewd, penetrating judges of this important +cause--(and Bumptious smiled and bowed along the Bench upon all whose +eyes he could catch)--on behalf of such a monster of iniquity, it +does make one blush for the degradation of the British +Bar--(bang--bang--bang--Jorrocks here looked unutterable things). Does +my learned friend think by displaying his hero as a fox-hunter, +and extolling his prowess in the field, to gain over the sporting +magistrates on the Bench? He knows little of the upright integrity--the +uncompromising honesty--the undeviating, inflexible impartiality that +pervades the breast of every member of this tribunal, if he thinks +for the sake of gain, fear, favour, hope, or reward, to influence +the opinion, much less turn the judgment, of any one of them." (Here +Bumptious bowed very low to them all and laid his hand upon his heart. +Tomkins nodded approbation.) "Far, far be it from me to dwell with +unbecoming asperity on the conduct of anyone--we are all mortals--and +alike liable to err; but when I see a man who has been guilty of an act +which has brought him all but within the verge of the prisoners' dock; I +say, when I see a man who has been guilty of such an outrage on society +as this ruffian Jorrocks, come forward with the daring effrontery +that he has this day done, and claim redress where he himself is the +offender, it does create a feeling in my mind divided between disgust +and amazement"--(bang). + +Here Jorrock's cauldron boiled over, and rising from his seat with an +outstretched shoulder-of-mutton fist, he bawled out, "D--n you, sir, +what do you mean?" + +The court was thrown into amazement, and even Bumptious quailed before +the fist of the mighty Jorrocks. "I claim the protection of the court," +he exclaimed. Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he should certainly order +Mr. Jorrocks into custody if he repeated his conduct, adding that it was +"most disrespectful to the justices of our lord the king." + +Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a fresh volume of venom +wherewith to annihilate Jorrocks, and catching his eye, he transfixed +him like a rattlesnake, and again resumed. + +"How stands the case?" said he. "This cockney grocer--for after all +he is nothing else--who I dare say scarcely knows a hawk from a +hand-saw--leaves his figs and raisins, and sets out on a marauding +excursion into the county of Surrey, and regardless of property--of +boundaries--of laws--of liberties--of life itself--strides over every +man's land, letting drive at whatever comes in his way! The hare he shot +on this occasion was a pet hare!--For three successive summers had +Miss Cheatum watched and fed it with all the interest and anxiety of a +parent. I leave it to you, gentlemen, who have daughters of your own, +with pets also, to picture to yourselves the agony of her mind in +finding that her favourite had found its way down the throat of that +great guzzling, gormandising, cockney cormorant; and then, forsooth, +because he is fined for the outrageous trespass, he comes here as the +injured party, and instructs his counsel to indulge in Billingsgate +abuse that would disgrace the mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner! I +regret that instead of the insignificant fine imposed upon him, the law +did not empower the worthy magistrate to send him to the treadmill, +there to recreate himself for six or eight months, as a warning to the +whole fraternity of lawless vagabonds." Here he nodded his head at +Jorrocks as much as to say, "I'll trounce you, my boy!" He then produced +maps and plans of the different estates, and a model of the shed, to +show how it had all happened, and after going through the case in such a +strain as would induce one to believe it was a trial for murder or high +treason, concluded as follows: + +"The eyes of England are upon us--reverse this conviction, and you let +loose a rebel band upon the country, ripe for treason, stratagem, or +spoil--you overturn the finest order of society in the world; henceforth +no man's property will be safe, the laws will be disregarded, and even +the upright, talented, and independent magistracy of England brought +into contempt. But I feel convinced that your decision will be +far otherwise--that by it you will teach these +hot-headed--rebellious--radical grocers that they cannot offend with +impunity, and show them that there is a law which reaches even the +lowest and meanest inhabitant of these realms, that amid these days of +anarchy and innovation you will support the laws and aristocracy of this +country, that you will preserve to our children, and our children's +children, those rights and blessings which a great and enlightened +administration have conferred upon ourselves, and raise for Tomkins +of Tomkins and the magistracy of the proud county of Surrey, a name +resplendent in modern times and venerated to all eternity." + +Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks, and banging down his +brief, tucked his gown under his arm, turned on his heel and left the +court, to indulge in a glass of pale sherry and a sandwich, regardless +which way the verdict went, so long as he had given him a good quilting. +The silence that followed had the effect of rousing some of the dozing +justices, who nudging those who had fallen asleep, they all began to +stir themselves, and having laid their heads together, during which +time they settled the dinner-hour for that day, and the meets of the +staghounds for the next fortnight, they began to talk of the matter +before the court. + +"I vote for reversing," said Squire Jolthead; "Jorrocks is such a +capital fellow." "I must support Boreem," said Squire Hicks: "he gave me +a turn when I made the mistaken commitment of Gipsy Jack." "What do +you say, Mr. Giles?" inquired Mr. Tomkins. "Oh, anything you like, Mr. +Tomkins." "And you, Mr. Hopper?" who had been asleep all the time. "Oh! +guilty, I should say--three months at the treadmill--privately whipped, +if you like," was the reply. Mr. Petty always voted on whichever +side Bumptious was counsel--the learned serjeant having married his +sister--and four others always followed the chair. + +Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates resumed their seats along the +bench, and coming forward he stood before the judge's chair, and taking +off his hat with solemn dignity and precision, laid it down exactly in +the centre of the desk, amid cries from the bailiffs and ushers for +"Silence, while the justices of the peace of our sovereign lord the +king, deliver the judgment of the court." + +"The appellant in this case," said Mr. Tomkins, very slowly, "seeks to +set aside a conviction for trespass, on the ground, as I understand, +of his not having committed one. The principal points of the case are +admitted, as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's toe, or a part of his toe, +having intruded upon the respondent's estate. Now, so far as that point +is concerned, it seems clear to myself and to my brother magistrates, +that it mattereth not how much or how little of the toe was upon the +land, so long as any part thereof was there. 'De minimis non curat +lex'--the English of which is 'the law taketh no cognisance of +fractions'--is a maxim among the salaried judges of the inferior +courts in Westminster Hall, which we the unpaid, the in-cor-rup-ti-ble +magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, have adopted in the very deep +and mature deliberation that preceded the formation of our most solemn +judgment. In the present great and important case, we, the unpaid +magistrates of our sovereign lord the king, do not consider it necessary +that there should be 'a toe, a whole toe, and nothing but a toe,' to +constitute a trespass, any more than it would be necessary in the case +of an assault to prove that the kick was given by the foot, the whole +foot, and nothing but the foot. If any part of the toe was there, the +law considers that it was there _in toto_. Upon this doctrine, it is +clear that Mr. Jorrocks was guilty of a trespass, and the conviction +must be affirmed. Before I dismiss the case I must say a few words on +the statute under which this decision takes place. + +"This is the first conviction that has taken place since the passing +of the Act, and will serve as a precedent throughout all England. I +congratulate the country upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which +it has been submitted. The court has listened with great and becoming +attention to the arguments of the counsel on both sides: and though +one gentleman with a flippant ignorance has denounced this new law as +inferior to the pre-existing system, and a curse to the country, we, +the magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, must enter our protest +against such a doctrine being promulgated. Peradventure, you are all +acquainted with my prowess as a shooter; I won two silver tankards at +the Red House, Anno Domini 1815. I mention this to show that I am a +practical sportsman, and as to the theory of the Game Laws, I derive my +information from the same source that you may all derive yours--from the +bright refulgent pages of the _New Sporting Magazine_!" + + + +IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS + +The Surrey foxhounds had closed their season--a most brilliant one--but +ere Mr. Jorrocks consigned his boots and breeches to their summer +slumber, he bethought of having a look at the Surrey staghounds, a pack +now numbered among the things that were. + +Of course he required a companion, were it only to have some one to +criticise the hounds with, so the evening before the appointed day, as +the Yorkshireman was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the +Piazza Coffee-room in Covent Garden, having just finished his second +marrowbone and glass of white brandy, George--the only waiter in the +room with a name--came smirking up with a card in his hand, saying, that +the gentleman was waiting outside to speak with him. It was a printed +one, but the large round hand in which the address had been filled up, +encroaching upon the letters, had made the name somewhat difficult to +decipher. At length he puzzled out "Mr. John Jorrocks--Coram Street"; +the name of the city house or shop in the corner (No.--, St. Botolph's +Lane) being struck through with a pen. "Oh, ask him to walk in +directly," said the Yorkshireman to George, who trotted off, and +presently the flapping of the doors in the passage announced his +approach, and honest Jorrocks came rolling up the room--not like a +fox-hunter, or any other sort of hunter, but like an honest wholesale +grocer, fresh from the city. + +"My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't think," said he, +advancing with both hands out, and hugging the Yorkshireman after the +manner of a Polar bear. "I have not time to stay one moment; I have to +meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury Square at a quarter to six, +and it wants now only seven minutes to," casting his eye up at the clock +over the sideboard.--"I have just called to say that as you are fond of +hunting, and all that sort of thing, if you have a mind for a day with +the staghounds to-morrow, I will mount you same as before, and all that +sort of thing--you understand, eh?" "Thank you, my good friend," said +the Yorkshireman; "I have nothing to do to-morrow, and am your man for +a stag-hunt." "That's right, my good fellow," said Jorrocks, "then I'll +tell you what do--come and breakfast with me in Great Coram Street, at +half-past seven to a minute. I've got one of the first 'ams (hams) you +ever clapt eyes on in the whole course of your memorable existence.--Saw +the hog alive myself--sixteen score within a pound; must come--know you +like a fork breakfast--dejeune ą la fauchette, as we say in France, eh? +Like my Lord Mayor's fool I guess, love what's good; well, all right +too--so come without any ceremony--us fox-hunters hates ceremony--where +there's ceremony there's no friendship.--Stay--I had almost forgotten," +added he, checking himself as he was on the point of departure. "When +you come, ring the area bell, and then Mrs. J---- won't hear; know you +don't like Mrs. J---- no more than myself." + +At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached Great Coram Street, just +as Old Jorrocks had opened the door to look down the street for him. +He was dressed in a fine flowing, olive-green frock (made like a +dressing-gown), with a black velvet collar, having a gold embroidered +stag on each side, gilt stag-buttons, with rich embossed edges; an acre +of buff waistcoat, and a most antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre +buckskins, made by White, of Tarporley, in the twenty-first year of +the reign of George the Third; they were double-lashed, back-stiched, +front-stiched, middle-stiched, and patched at both knees, with a slit up +behind. The coat he had won in a bet, and the breeches in a raffle, the +latter being then second or third hand. His boots were airing before the +fire, consequently he displayed an amplitude of calf in grey worsted +stockings, while his feet were thrust into green slippers. "So glad to +see you"! said he; "here's a charming morning, indeed--regular southerly +wind and a cloudy sky--rare scenting it will be--think I could almost +run a stag myself. Come in--never mind your hat, hang it anywhere, but +don't make a noise. I stole away and left Mrs. J---- snoring, so won't +do to wake her, you know. By the way, you should see my hat;--Batsey, +fatch my hat out of the back parlour. I've set up a new green silk cord, +with a gold frog to fasten it to my button-hole--werry illigant, I +think, and werry suitable to the dress--quite my own idea--have a notion +all the Surrey chaps will get them; for, between you and me, I set the +fashions, and what is more, I sometimes set them at a leap too. But now +tell me, have you any objection to breakfasting in the kitchen?--more +retired, you know, besides which you get everything hot and hot, +which is what I call doing a bit of plisure." "Not at all," said the +Yorkshireman, "so lead the way"; and down they walked to the lower +regions. + +It was a nice comfortable-looking place, with a blazing fire, half +the floor covered with an old oil-cloth, and the rest exhibiting the +cheerless aspect of the naked flags. About a yard and a half from the +fire was placed the breakfast table; in the centre stood a magnificent +uncut ham, with a great quartern loaf on one side and a huge Bologna +sausage on the other; besides these there were nine eggs, two pyramids +of muffins, a great deal of toast, a dozen ship-biscuits, and half a +pork-pie, while a dozen kidneys were spluttering on a spit before the +fire, and Betsy held a gridiron covered with mutton-chops on the top; +altogether there was as much as would have served ten people. "Now, sit +down," said Jorrocks, "and let us be doing, for I am as hungry as +a hunter. Hope you are peckish too; what shall I give you? tea or +coffee?--but take both--coffee first and tea after a bit. If I can't +give you them good, don't know who can. You must pay your devours, as we +say in France, to the 'am, for it is an especial fine one, and do take +a few eggs with it; there, I've not given you above a pound of 'am, but +you can come again, you know--waste not want not. Now take some muffins, +do, pray. Batsey, bring some more cream, and set the kidneys on the +table, the Yorkshireman is getting nothing to eat. Have a chop with +your kidney, werry luxterous--I could eat an elephant stuffed with +grenadiers, and wash them down with a ocean of tea; but pray lay in to +the breakfast, or I shall think you don't like it. There, now take some +tea and toast or one of those biscuits, or whatever you like; would a +little more 'am be agreeable? Batsey, run into the larder and see if +your Missis left any of that cold chine of pork last night--and hear, +bring the cold goose, and any cold flesh you can lay hands on, there are +really no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set you down to +such a scanty fork breakfast; but this is what comes of not being master +of your own house. Hope your hat may long cover your family: rely +upon it, it is cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a pig". Just as +Jorrocks uttered these last words the side door opened, and without +either "with your leave or by your leave", in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in +an elegant dishabille (or "dish-of-veal", as Jorrocks pronounced it), +with her hair tucked up in papers, and a pair of worsted slippers on her +feet, worked with roses and blue lilies. + +"Pray, Mister J----," said she, taking no more notice of the +Yorkshireman than if he had been enveloped in Jack the Giant-killer's +coat of darkness, "what is the meaning of this card? I found it in your +best coat pocket, which you had on last night, and I do desire, sir, +that you will tell me how it came there. Good morning, sir (spying the +Yorkshireman at last), perhaps you know where Mr. Jorrocks was last +night, and perhaps you can tell me who this person is whose card I +have found in the corner of Mr. Jorrocks's best coat pocket?" "Indeed, +madam", replied the Yorkshireman, "Mr. Jorrocks's movements of yesterday +evening are quite a secret to me. It is the night that he usually spends +at the Magpie and Stump, but whether he was there or not I cannot +pretend to say, not being a member of the free and easy club. As for the +card, madam..." "There, then, take it and read it," interrupted Mrs. +J----; and he took the card accordingly--a delicate pale pink, with blue +borders and gilt edge--and read--we would fain put it all in dashes and +asterisks--"Miss Juliana Granville, John Street, Waterloo Road." + +This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or two to recollect +himself, he pretended to get into a thundering passion, and seizing +the card out of the Yorkshireman's hand, he thrust it into the fire, +swearing it was an application for admission into the Deaf and Dumb +Institution, where he wished he had Mrs. J----. The Yorkshireman, seeing +the probability of a breeze, pretended to have forgotten something +at the Piazza, and stole away, begging Jorrocks to pick him up as he +passed. Peace had soon been restored; for the Yorkshireman had not taken +above three or four turns up and down the coffee-room, ere George the +waiter came to say that a gentleman waited outside. Putting on his hat +and taking a coat over his arm, he turned out; when just before the door +he saw a man muffled up in a great military cloak, and a glazed hat, +endeavouring to back a nondescript double-bodied carriage (with lofty +mail box-seats and red wheels), close to the pavement. "Who-ay, who-ay," +said he, "who-ay, who-ay, horse!" at the same time jerking at his mouth. +As the Yorkshireman made his exit, a pair eyes of gleamed through the +small aperture between the high cloak collar and the flipe of the glazed +hat, which he instantly recognised to belong to Jorrocks. "Why, what the +deuce is this you are in?" said he, looking at the vehicle. "Jump up," +said Jorrocks, "and I'll tell you all about it," which having done, and +the machine being set in motion he proceeded to relate the manner in +which he had exchanged his cruelty-van for it--by the way, as arrant +a bone-setter as ever unfortunate got into, but which he, with the +predilection all men have for their own, pronounced to be a "monstrous +nice carriage." On their turning off the rough pavement on to the quiet +smooth Macadamised road leading to Waterloo Bridge, his dissertation was +interrupted by a loud horse-laugh raised by two or three toll-takers and +boys lounging about the gate. + +"I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine," said one. "Dash my buttons, I +never seed such a thing in all my life." "What's to pay?" inquired +Jorrocks, pulling up with great dignity, their observations not having +penetrated the cloak collar which encircled his ears. "To pay!" said the +toll-taker--"vy, vot do ye call your consarn?" "Why, a phaeton," said +Jorrocks. "My eyes! that's a good 'un," said another. "I say, Jim--he +calls this 'ere thing a phe-a-ton!" "A phe-a-ton!--vy, it's more like a +fire-engine," said Jim. "Don't be impertinent," said Jorrocks, who had +pulled down his collar to hear what he had to pay--"but tell me what's +to pay?" "Vy, it's a phe-a-ton drawn by von or more 'orses," said +the toll-taker; "and containing von or more asses," said Tom. +"Sixpence-halfpenny, sir," "You are a saucy fellow," said Jorrocks. +"Thank ye, master, you're another," said the toll-taker; "and now that +you have had your say, vot do ye ax for your mouth?" "I say, sir, do you +belong to the Phenix? Vy don't you show your badge?" "I say, Tom, that +'ere fire-engine has been painted by some house-painter, it's never been +in the hands of no coach-maker. Do you shave by that 'ere glazed castor +of yours?" "I'm blowed it I wouldn't get you a shilling a week to +shove your face in sand, to make moulds for brass knockers." "Ay, get +away!--make haste, or the fire will be out," bawled out another, as +Jorrocks whipped on, and rattled out of hearing. + +"Now, you see," said he, resuming the thread of his discourse, as if +nothing had happened, "this back seat turns down and makes a box, so +that when Mrs. J---- goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all +her things with her, instead of sending half of them by the coach as she +used to do; and if we are heavy, there is a pole belonging to it, so +that we can have two horses; and then there is a seat draws out here +(pulling a stool from between his legs) which anybody can sit on." "Yes, +anybody that is small enough," said the Yorkshireman, "but you would cut +a queer figure on it, I reckon." The truth was, that the "fire-engine" +was one of those useless affairs built by some fool upon a plan of his +own, with the idea of combining every possible comfort and advantage, +and in reality not possessing one. Friend Jorrocks had seen it at a +second-hand shop in Fore Street, and became the happy owner of it, in +exchange for the cruelty-van and seventeen pounds.--Their appearance on +the road created no small sensation, and many were the jokes passed upon +the "fire-engine." One said they were mountebanks; another that it was +a horse-break; a third asked if it was one of Gurney's steam-carriages, +while a fourth swore it was a new convict-cart going to Brixton. +Jorrocks either did not or would not hear their remarks, and kept +expatiating upon the different purposes to which the machine might be +converted, and the stoutness of the horse that was drawing it. + +As they approached the town of Croydon, he turned his cloak over his +legs in a very workman-like manner, and was instantly hailed by some +brother sportsmen;--one complimented him on his looks, another on his +breeches, a third praised his horse, a fourth abused the fire-engine, +and a fifth inquired where he got his glazed hat. He had an answer for +them all, and a nod or a wink for every pretty maid that showed at the +windows; for though past the grand climacteric, he still has a spice of +the devil in him--and, as he says, "there is no harm in looking." The +"Red Lion" at Smitham Bottom was the rendezvous of the day. It is a +small inn on the Brighton road, some three or four miles below Croydon. +On the left of the road stands the inn, on the right is a small +training-ground, and the country about is open common and down. There +was an immense muster about the inn, and also on the training-ground, +consisting of horsemen, gig-men, post-chaise-men, footmen,--Jorrocks and +the Yorkshireman made the firemen. + +"Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare", exclaimed one, as Jorrocks drove +the fire-engine up at as quick a pace as his horse would go. "Why, +what a concern he's in", said another, "why, the old man's mad, +surely".--"He's good for a subscription," added another, addressing him. +"I say, Jorrocks, old boy, you'll give us ten pound for our hounds +won't you?--that's a good fellow." "Oh yes, Jorrocks promised us a +subscription last year," observed another, "and he is a man of his +word--arn't you old leather breeches?" "No, gentlemen," said Jorrocks, +standing up in the fire-engine, and sticking the whip into its nest, +"I really cannot--I wish I could, but I really cannot afford it. Times +really are so bad, and I have my own pack to subscribe to, and I must +be 'just before I am generous.'" "Oh, but ten pounds is nothing in your +way, you know, Jorrocks--adulterate a chest of tea. Old----here will +give you all the leaves off his ash-trees." "No," said Jorrocks, +"I really cannot--ten pounds is ten pounds, and I must cut my coat +according to my cloth." "By Jove, but you must have had plenty of cloth +when you cut that coat you've got on, old boy. Why there's as much cloth +in the laps as would make a pair of horse-sheets." "Never mind," said +Jorrocks, "I wear it, and not you." "Now," said Jorrocks in an undertone +to the Yorkshireman, "you see what an unconscionable set of dogs these +stag-'unters are. They're at every man for a subscription, and talk +about guineas as if they grew upon gooseberry-bushes. Besides, they are +such a rubbishing set--all drafts from the fox'ounds.--Now there's a +chap on a piebald just by the trees--he goes into the _Gazette_ reglarly +once in three years, and yet to see him out, you'd fancy all the country +round belonged to him. And there's a buck with his bearing-rein so tight +that he can hardly move his neck," pointing to a gentleman in scarlet, +with a tremendous stiff blue cravat--"he lives by keeping a mad-house +and being werry high, consequential sort of a cock, they calls him the +'Lord High Keeper!'--I'll tell ye a joke about that fellow," said he, +pointing to a man alighting from a red-wheeled buggy--"he's a werry +shabby screw, and is always trying to save a penny.--Well, he hires a +young half-witted hawbuck for a servant, who didn't clean his boots to +his liking, so he began reading the Riot Act one day, and concluded by +saying, 'I'm blowed if I couldn't clean them better myself with a little +pump-water.'--The next day, up came the boots duller than ever.--'Bless +my soul,' exclaimed he, 'why, they are worse than before, how's this, +sir?'--'Please, sir, you said you could clean them better with a little +pump-water, so I tried it, and I do think they are worse!' Haw! haw! +haw!--Yon chap in the black plush breeches and Hessians, standing by the +ginger-pop tray, is the only man what ever got the better of me in the +'oss-dealing line, and he certainlie did bite me uncommon 'andsomely. +I gave him three and twenty pounds, a strong violin case with patent +hinges, lined with superfine green baize, and an uncut copy of +Middleton's _Cicero_, for an 'oss that the blacksmith really declared +wasn't worth shoeing.--Howsomever, I paid him off, for I christened the +'oss Barabbas--who, you knows, was a robber--and the seller has gone by +the name of Barabbas ever since." + +"Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine?" inquired Jorrocks, +turning to a group who had just approached the fire-engine. "We don't +know yet," said a gentleman in scarlet, "the deer has not come yet; but +yonder he is," pointing up the road to a covered cart, "and there are +the hounds just coming over the hill at the back." The covered cart +approached, and several went to meet it. The cry of "Oh, it's old +Tunbridge," was soon heard. "Well, we shall have a good dinner," said +Jorrocks, "if that is the case. Is it Tunbridge?" inquired he eagerly +of one of the party who returned from the deer-cart. "Yes, it's old +Tunbridge, and Snooks has ordered dinner at the Wells for sixteen at +five o'clock, so the first sixteen that get there had better look out." +"Here, bouy," said Jorrocks in an undertone to his servant, who was +leading his screws about on the green, "take this 'oss out of the +carriage, and give him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tunbridge +Wells, and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, that I shall be there with +a friend to the dinner, and bid him write 'Jorrocks' upon two plates and +place them together.--Nothing like making sure," said he, chuckling at +his own acuteness. + +"Now to 'orse--to 'orse!" exclaimed he, suiting the action to the word, +and climbing on to his great chestnut, leaving the Yorkshireman to mount +the rat-tail brown. "Let's have a look at the 'ounds", turning his horse +in the direction in which they were coming. Jonathan Griffin[16] took off +his cap to Jorrocks, as he approached, who waved his hand in the most +patronising manner possible, adding "How are you, Jonathan?" "Pretty +well, thank you, Mister Jorrocks, hope you're the same." "No, not the +same, for I'm werry well, which makes all the difference--haw! haw! haw! +You seem to have but a shortish pack, I think--ten, twelve, fourteen +couple--'ow's that? We always take nine and twenty with the Surrey". +"Why, you see, Mister Jorrocks, stag-hunting and fox-hunting are very +different. The scent of the deer is very ravishing, and then we have no +drawing for our game. Besides, at this season, there are always bitches +to put back--but we have plenty of hounds for sport.--I suppose we may +be after turning out," added Jonathan, looking at his watch--"it's past +eleven." + +[Footnote 16: Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his +day, exists, like his pack, but in the recollection of mankind. He +was long huntsman to the late Lord Derby, who, when he gave up his +staghounds, made Jonathan a present of them, and for two or three +seasons he scratched on in an indifferent sort of way, until the hounds +were sold to go abroad--to Hungary, we believe.] + +On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and began collecting, +or capping, prior to turning out--it being the rule of the hunt to make +sure of the money before starting, for fear of accidents. "Half a crown, +if you please, sir." "Now I'll take your half a crown." "Mr. Jorrocks, +shall I trouble you for half a crown?" "Oh, surely," said Jorrocks, +pulling out a handful of great five-shilling pieces; "here's for this +gentleman and myself," handing one of them over, "and I shan't even ask +you for discount for ready money." The capping went round, and a goodly +sum was collected. Meanwhile the deer-cart was drawn to the far side of +a thick fence, and the door being opened, a lubberly-looking animal, as +big as a donkey, blobbed out, and began feeding very composedly. "That +won't do," said Jonathan Griffin, eyeing him--"ride on, Tom, and whip +him away." Off went the whip, followed by a score of sportsmen whose +shouts, aided by the cracking of their whips, would have frightened the +devil himself; and these worthies, knowing the hounds would catch them +up in due time, resolved themselves into a hunt for the present, and +pursued the animal themselves. Ten minutes having expired and the hounds +seeming likely to break away, Jonathan thought it advisable to let them +have their wicked will, and accordingly they rushed off in full cry +to the spot where the deer had been uncarted. Of course, there was no +trouble in casting for the scent; indeed they were very honest, and did +not pretend to any mystery; the hounds knew within an inch where it +would be, and the start was pretty much like that for a hunter's plate +in four-mile heats. A few dashing blades rode before the hounds +at starting, but otherwise the field was tolerably quiet, and was +considerably diminished after the three first leaps. The scent improved, +as did the pace, and presently they got into a lane along which they +rattled for five miles as hard as ever they could lay legs to the +ground, throwing the mud into each other's faces, until each man looked +as if he was roughcast. A Kentish wagon, drawn by six oxen, taking up +the whole of the lane, had obliged the dear animal to take to the fields +again, where, at the first fence, most of our high-mettled racers stood +still. In truth, it was rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch, with a +mud bank and a rotten landing. "Now, who's for it? Go it, Jorrocks, +you're a fox-hunter," said one, who, erecting himself in his stirrups, +was ogling the opposite side. "I don't like it," said Jorrocks; "is +never a gate near?" "Oh yes, at the bottom of the field," and away they +all tore for it. The hounds now had got out of sight, but were heard +running in cover at the bottom of the turnip-field into which they had +just passed, and also the clattering of horses' hoofs on the highway. +The hounds came out several times on to the road, evidently carrying the +scent, but as often threw up and returned into the cover. The huntsman +was puzzled at last; and quite convinced that the deer was not in the +wood, he called them out, and proceeded to make a cast, followed by the +majority of the field. They trotted about at a brisk pace, first to the +right, then to the left, afterwards to the north, and then to the +south, over grass, fallow, turnips, potatoes, and flints, through three +farmyards, round two horse-ponds, and at the back of a small village or +hamlet, without a note, save those of a few babblers. Everyone seemed to +consider it a desperate job. They were all puzzled; at last they heard +a terrible holloaing about a quarter of a mile to the south, and +immediately after was espied a group of horsemen, galloping along the +road at full speed, in the centre of which was Jorrocks; his green coat +wide open, with the tails flying a long way behind that of his horse, +his right leg was thrust out, down the side of which he kept applying +his ponderous hunting whip, making a most terrible clatter. As they +approached, he singled himself out from the group, and was the first to +reach the field. He immediately burst out into one of his usual hunting +energetic strains. "Oh Jonathan Griffin! Jonathan Griffin!" said he, +"here's a lamentable occurrence--a terrible disaster! Oh dear, oh +dear--we shall never get to Tunbridge--that unfortunate deer has escaped +us, and we shall never see nothing more of him--rely upon it, he's +killed before this." "Why, how's that?" inquired Griffin, evidently in a +terrible perturbation. "Why," said Jorrocks, slapping the whip down his +leg again, "there's a little girl tells me, that as she was getting +water at the well just at the end of the wood, where we lost him, she +saw what she took to be a donkey jump into a return post-chaise from the +'Bell', at Seven Oaks, that was passing along the road with the door +swinging wide open! and you may rely upon it, it was the deer. The +landlord of the 'Bell' will have cut his throat before this, for, you +know, he vowed wengeance against us last year, because his wife's +pony-chaise was upset, and he swore that we did it." "Oh, but that's a +bad job", said the huntsman; "what shall we do?" "Here, Tom," calling to +the whipper-in, "jump on to the Hastings coach" (which just came up), +"and try if you can't overtake him, and bring him back, chaise and all, +and I'll follow slowly with the hounds." Tom was soon up, the coach +bowled on, and Jonathan and the hounds trotted gently forward till they +came to a public-house. Here, as they stopped lamenting over their +unhappy fate, and consoling themselves with some cold sherry negus, the +post-chaise appeared in sight, with the deer's head sticking out of the +side window with all the dignity of a Lord Mayor. "Huzza! huzza! huzza!" +exclaimed Jorrocks, taking off his hat, "here's old Tunbridge come back +again, huzza! huzza!" "But who's to pay me for the po-chay," said the +driver, pulling up; "I must be paid before I let him out." "How much?" +says Jonathan. "Why, eighteen-pence a mile, to be sure, and three-pence +a mile to the driver." "No," says Jorrocks, "that won't do, yours is a +return chay; however, here's five shillings for you, and now, Jonathan, +turn him out again--he's quite fresh after his ride--and see, he's got +some straw in the bottom." + +Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head towards the town from +whence he took his name, and after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack +was again laid on. He was not, however, in very good wind, and it was +necessary to divide the second chase into two heats, for which purpose +the hounds were whipped off about the middle, while the deer took a cold +bath, after which he was again set a-going. By half-past three they had +accomplished the run; and Mr. Pegg, of the "Sussex Arms," having mounted +his Pegasus, found them at the appointed place by the Medway, where old +Tunbridge's carriage was waiting, into which having handed him, they +repaired to the inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of them sat down to a +dinner consisting of every delicacy of the season, the Lord High Keeper +in the chair. Being all "hungry as hunters," little conversation passed +until after the removal of the cloth, when after the King and his +Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the President gave "The noble, manly +sport of stag-hunting," which he eulogised as the most legitimate and +exhilarating of all sports, and sketched its progress from its wild +state of infancy when the unhappy sportsmen had to range the fields and +forests for their uncertain game, to the present state of luxurious ease +and elaborate refinement, when they not only brought their deer to the +meet, but by selecting the proper animal, could insure a finish at +the place they most wished to dine at--all of which was most +enthusiastically applauded; and on the speaker's ending, "Stag-hunting," +and the "Surrey staghounds," and "Long life to all stag-hunters," were +drank in brimming and overflowing bumpers. Fox-hunting, hare-hunting, +rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, rat-catching, badger-baiting--all wild, +seasonable, and legitimate sports followed; and the chairman having +run through his list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting rather mellow, +resolved to try the soothing system on him for a subscription, the +badgering of the morning not having answered. Accordingly, he called +on the company to charge their glasses, as he would give them a bumper +toast, which he knew they would have great pleasure in drinking.--"He +wished to propose the health of his excellent friend on his right--MR. +JORROCKS (applause), a gentleman whose name only required mentioning in +any society of hunters to insure it a hearty and enthusiastic reception. +He did not flatter his excellent friend when he said he was a man for +the imitation of all, and he was sure that when the present company +recollected the liberal support he gave to the Surrey foxhounds, +together with the keenness with which he followed that branch of +amusement, they would duly appreciate, not only the honour he had +conferred upon them by his presence in the field that morning, and at +the table that day, but the disinterested generosity which had prompted +him voluntarily to declare his intention of contributing to the future +support of the Surrey staghounds (immense cheers). He therefore thought +the least they could do was to drink the health of Mr. Jorrocks, and +success to the Surrey foxhounds, with three times three," which was +immediately responded to with deafening cheers. + +Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on his legs, and with +one hand rattling the five-shilling pieces in his breeches-pocket, and +the thumb of the other thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus +began to address them.--"Gentlemen," said he, "I'm no orator, but I'm +an honest man--(hiccup)--I feels werry (hiccup) much obliged to my +excellent friend the Lord High Keeper (shouts of laughter), I begs his +pardon--my friend Mr. Juggins--for the werry flattering compliment he +has paid me in coupling my name (hiccup) with the Surrey fox'ounds--a +pack, I may say, without wanity (hiccup), second to none. I'm a werry +old member of the 'unt, and when I was a werry poor man (hiccup) I +always did my best to support them (hiccup), and now that I'm a werry +rich man (cheers) I shan't do no otherwise. About subscribing to the +staggers, I doesn't recollect saying nothing whatsomever about it +(hiccup), but as I'm werry friendly to sporting in all its +ramifications (hiccup), I'll be werry happy to give ten pounds to your +'ounds."--Immense cheers followed this declaration, which lasted for +some seconds. When they had subsided, Jorrocks put his finger on his +nose and, with a knowing wink of his eye, added: "Prowided my friend +the Lord High Keep--I begs his pardon--Juggins--will give ten pounds to +ours!" + + + +V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET + +"A muffin--and the _Post_, sir," said George to the Yorkshireman,--on +one of the fine fresh mornings that gently usher in the returning +spring, and draw from the town-pent cits sighs for the verdure of +the fields,--as he placed the above mentioned articles on his usual +breakfast table in the coffee-room of the "Piazza." + +With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole day is unoccupied, the +Yorkshireman sweetened his tea, drew the muffin and a select dish of +prawns to his elbow, and turning sideways to the table, crossed his legs +and prepared to con the contents of the paper. The first page as usual +was full of advertisements.--Sales by auction--Favour of your vote +and interest--If the next of kin--Reform your tailor's bills--Law--- +Articled clerk--An absolute reversion--Pony phaeton--Artificial +teeth--Messrs. Tattersall--Brace of pointers--Dog lost--Boy found--Great +sacrifice--No advance in coffee--Matrimony--A single gentleman--Board +and lodging in an airy situation--To omnibus proprietors--Steam to Leith +and Hull--Stationery--Desirable investment for a small capital--The fire +reviver or lighter. + +Then turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole meadow of type, +consisting of the previous night's debate, followed on by City news, +Police reports, Fashionable arrivals and departures, Dinners given, +Sporting intelligence, Newmarket Craven meeting. "That's more in my +way," said the Yorkshireman to himself as he laid down the paper and +took a sip of his tea. "I've a great mind to go, for I may just as well +be at Newmarket as here, having nothing particular to do in either +place. I came to stay a hundred pounds in London it's true, but if I +stay ten of it at Newmarket, it'll be all the same, and I can go home +from there just as well as from here"; so saying, he took another turn +at the tea. The race list was a tempting one, Riddlesworth, Craven +Stakes, Column Stakes, Oatlands, Port, Claret, Sherry, Madeira, and all +other sorts. A good week's racing in fact, for the saintly sinners who +frequent the Heath had not then discovered any greater impropriety in +travelling on a Sunday, then in cheating each other on the Monday. The +tea was good, as were the prawns and eggs, and George brought a second +muffin, at the very moment that the Yorkshireman had finished the last +piece of the first, so that by the time he had done his breakfast and +drawn on his boots, which were dryer and pleasanter than the recent damp +weather had allowed of their being, he felt completely at peace with +himself and all the world, and putting on his hat, sallied forth with +the self-satisfied air of a man who had eat a good breakfast, and yet +not too much. + +Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind, and as he sauntered along +in the direction of the Strand, it occurred to him that perhaps Mr. +Jorrocks might have no objection to accompany him. On entering that +great thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to the east, and having +examined the contents of all the caricature shops in the line, and paid +threepence for a look at the _York Herald_, in the Chapter Coffee-house, +St. Paul's Churchyard, about noon he reached the corner of St. Botolph +Lane. Before Jorrocks & Co.'s warehouse, great bustle and symptoms +of brisk trade were visible. With true city pride, the name on the +door-post was in small dirty-white letters, sufficiently obscure to +render it apparent that Mr. Jorrocks considered his house required no +sign; while, as a sort of contradiction, the covered errand-cart before +it, bore "JORROCKS & Co.'s WHOLESALE TEA WAREHOUSE," in great gilt +letters on each side of the cover, so large that "he who runs might +read," even though the errand-cart were running too. Into this cart, +which was drawn by the celebrated rat-tail hunter, they were pitching +divers packages for town delivery, and a couple of light porters nearly +upset the Yorkshireman, as they bustled out with their loads. The +warehouse itself gave evident proof of great antiquity. It was not +one of your fine, light, lofty, mahogany-countered, banker-like +establishments of modern times, where the stock-in-trade often consists +of books and empty canisters, but a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty, +dingy sort of cellar above ground, full of hogsheads, casks, flasks, +sugar-loaves, jars, bags, bottles, and boxes. + +The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt, and was sprinkled +with rice, currants, and raisins, as though they had been scattered for +the purpose of growing. A small corner seemed to have been cut off, like +the fold of a Leicestershire grazing-ground, and made into an office in +the centre of which was a square or two of glass that commanded a view +of the whole warehouse. "Is Mr. Jorrocks in?" inquired the Yorkshireman +of a porter, who was busy digging currants with a wooden spade. "Yes, +sir, you'll find him in the counting-house," was the answer; but on +looking in, though his hat and gloves were there, no Jorrocks was +visible. At the farther end of the warehouse a man in his shirt-sleeves, +with a white apron round his waist and a brown paper cap on his head, +was seen under a very melancholy-looking skylight, holding his head over +something, as if his nose were bleeding. The Yorkshireman groped his way +up to him, and asking if Mr. Jorrocks was in, found he was addressing +the grocer himself. He had been leaning over a large trayful of little +white cups--with teapots to match--trying the strength, flavour, and +virtue of a large purchase of tea, and the beverage was all smoking +before him. "My vig," exclaimed he, holding out his hand, "who'd have +thought of seeing you in the city, this is something unkimmon! However, +you're werry welcome in St. Botolph Lane, and as this is your +first wisit, why, I'll make you a present of some tea--wot do you +drink?--black or green, or perhaps both--four pounds of one and two of +t'other. Here, Joe!" summoning his foreman, "put up four pounds of that +last lot of black that came in, and two pounds of superior green, and +this gentleman will tell you where to leave it.--And when do you think +of starting?" again addressing the Yorkshireman--"egad this is fine +weather for the country--have half a mind to have a jaunt myself--makes +one quite young--feel as if I'd laid full fifty years aside, and were +again a boy--when did you say you start?" "Why, I don't know exactly," +replied the Yorkshireman, "the weather's so fine that I'm half tempted +to go round by Newmarket." "Newmarket!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing +his arm in the air, while his paper cap fell from his head with the +jerk--"by Newmarket! why, what in the name of all that's impure, have +you to do at Newmarket?" + +"Why, nothing in particular; only, when there's neither hunting nor +shooting going on, what is a man to do with himself?--I'm sure you'd +despise me if I were to go fishing." "True," observed Mr. Jorrocks +somewhat subdued, and jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. +"Fox-'unting is indeed the prince of sports. The image of war, without +its guilt, and only half its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to +it--a perfect wictim--no one knows wot I suffer from my ardour.--If ever +I'm wisited with the last infirmity of noble minds, it will be caused by +my ingovernable passion for the chase. The sight of a saddle makes me +sweat. An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A red coat throws me into a +scarlet fever. Never throughout life have I had a good night's rest +before an 'unting morning. But werry little racing does for me; Sadler's +Wells is well enough of a fine summer evening--especially when they +plump the clown over head in the New River cut, and the ponies don't +misbehave in the Circus,--but oh! Newmarket's a dreadful place, the +werry name's a sickener. I used to hear a vast about it from poor Will +Softly of Friday Street. It was the ruin of him--and wot a fine business +his father left him, both wholesale and retail, in the tripe and +cow-heel line--all went in two years, and he had nothing to show at the +end of that time for upwards of twenty thousand golden sovereigns, but a +hundredweight of children's lamb's-wool socks, and warrants for thirteen +hogsheads of damaged sherry in the docks. No, take my adwice, and have +nothing to say to them--stay where you are, or, if you're short of swag, +come to Great Coram Street, where you shall have a bed, wear-and-tear +for your teeth, and all that sort of thing found you, and, if Saturday's +a fine day, I'll treat you with a jaunt to Margate." + +"You are a regular old trump," said the Yorkshireman, after listening +attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had exhausted himself, "but, you see, +you've never been at Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing you +about it. I can assure you from personal experience that the people +there are quite as honest as those you meet every day on 'Change, +besides which, there is nothing more invigorating to the human +frame--nothing more cheering to the spirits, than the sight and air of +Newmarket Heath on a fine fresh spring morning like the present. The +wind seems to go by you at a racing pace, and the blood canters up and +down the veins with the finest and freest action imaginable. A stranger +to the race-course would feel, and almost instinctively know, what turf +he was treading, and the purpose for which that turf was intended". + + "There's a magic in the web of it." + +"Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock," observed Mr. Jorrocks +interrupting the Yorkshireman, "and would conwince the devil himself +that black is white, but you'll never make me believe the Newmarket +folks are honest, and as to the fine hair (air) you talk of, there's +quite as good to get on Hampstead Heath, and if it doesn't make the +blood canter up and down your weins, you can always amuse yourself +by watching the donkeys cantering up and down with the sweet little +children--haw! haw! haw!--But tell me what is there at Newmarket that +should take a man there?" "What is there?" rejoined the Yorkshireman, +"why, there's everything that makes life desirable and constitutes +happiness, in this world, except hunting. First there is the beautiful, +neat, clean town, with groups of booted professors, ready for the +rapidest march of intellect; then there are the strings of clothed +horses--the finest in the world--passing indolently at intervals to +their exercise,--the flower of the English aristocracy residing in the +place. You leave the town and stroll to the wide open heath, where all +is brightness and space; the white rails stand forth against the dear +blue sky--the brushing gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye; +crowds of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud the heath; you +feel elated and long to bound over the well groomed turf and to try the +speed of the careering wind. All things at Newmarket train the mind to +racing. Life seems on the start, and dull indeed were he who could rein +in his feelings when such inspiring objects meet together to madden +them!" + +"Bravo!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper cap in the air as the +Yorkshireman concluded.--"Bravo!--werry good indeed! You speak like ten +Lord Mayors--never heard nothing better. Dash my vig, if I won't go. By +Jove, you've done it. Tell me one thing--is there a good place to feed +at?" + +"Capital!" replied the Yorkshireman, "beef, mutton, cheese, ham, all +the delicacies of the season, as the sailor said"; and thereupon the +Yorkshireman and Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain. + +Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the "Belle Sauvage," +in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy "Binjimin," with Mr. Jorrocks's +carpet-bag; and shortly after Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter, and +the Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the yard. Having consigned his +horse to Binjimin; after giving him a very instructive lesson relative +to the manner in which he would chastise him if he heard of his trotting +or playing any tricks with the horse on his way home, Mr. Jorrocks +proceeded to pay the remainder of his fare in the coach office. The mail +was full inside and out, indeed the book-keeper assured him he could +have filled a dozen more, so anxious ware all London to see the +Riddlesworth run. "Inside," said he, "are you and your friend, and if it +wern't that the night air might give you cold, Mr. Jorrocks" (for all +the book-keepers in London know him), "I should have liked to have got +you outsides, and I tried to make an exchange with two black-legs, but +they would hear of nothing less than two guineas a head, which wouldn't +do, you know. Here comes another of your passengers--a great foreign +nobleman, they say--Baron something--though he looks as much like a +foreign pickpocket as anything else." + +"Vich be de voiture?" inquired a tall, gaunt-looking foreigner, with +immense moustache, a high conical hat with a bright buckle, long, loose, +blueish-blackish frock-coat, very short white waistcoat, baggy brownish +striped trousers, and long-footed Wellington boots, with a sort of +Chinese turn up at the toe. "Vich be de Newmarket Voiture?" said he, +repeating the query, as he entered the office and deposited a silk +umbrella, a camlet cloak, and a Swiss knapsack on the counter. The +porter, without any attempt at an answer, took his goods and walked off +to the mail, followed closely by the Baron, and after depositing the +cloak inside, so that the Baron might ride with his "face to the +horses," as the saying is, he turned the knapsack into the hind boot, +and swung himself into the office till it was time to ask for something +for his exertions. Meanwhile the Baron made a tour of the yard, taking +a lesson in English from the lettering on the various coaches, when, +on the hind boot of one, he deciphered the word Cheapside.--"Ah, +Cheapside!" said he, pulling out his dictionary and turning to the +letter C. "Chaste, chat, chaw,--cheap, dat be it. Cheap,--to be had at +a low price--small value. Ah! I hev (have) it," said he, stamping and +knitting his brows, "sacré-e-e-e-e nom de Dieu," and the first word +being drawn out to its usual longitude, three strides brought him and +the conclusion of the oath into the office together. He then opened out +upon the book-keeper, in a tremendous volley of French, English and +Hanoverian oaths, for he was a cross between the first and last named +countries, the purport of which was "dat he had paid de best price, +and he be dem if he vod ride on de Cheapside of de coach." In vain +the clerks and book-keepers tried to convince him he was wrong in his +interpretation. With the full conviction of a foreigner that he was +about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to the opposite side of +the coach, and the knapsack placed on the roof. The fourth inside having +cast up, the outside passengers mounted, the insides took their places, +three-pences and sixpences were pulled out for the porters, the guard +twanged his horn, the coachman turned out his elbow, flourished his +whip, caught the point, cried "All right! sit tight!" and trotted out of +the yard. + +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each other, the Baron and old +Sam Spring, the betting man, did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, +with his curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old drab hat +turned up with green, careless neckcloth, flowing robe, and comical cut? +He knew Jorrocks--though--tell it not in Coram Street, he didn't know +his name; but concluded from the disparity of age between him and his +companion, that Jorrocks was either a shark or a shark's jackal, and +the Yorkshireman a victim. With due professional delicacy, he contented +himself with scrutinising the latter through his specs. The Baron's +choler having subsided, he was the first to break the ice of silence. +"Foine noight," was the observation, which was thrown out promiscuously +to see who would take it up. Now Sam Spring, though he came late, had +learned from the porter that there was a Baron in the coach, and being a +great admirer of the nobility, for whose use he has a code of signals +of his own, consisting of one finger to his hat for a Baron Lord as he +calls them, two for a Viscount, three for an Earl, four for a Marquis, +and the whole hand for a Duke, he immediately responded with "Yes, my +lord," with a fore-finger to his hat. There is something sweet in the +word "Lord" which finds its way home to the heart of an Englishman. +No sooner did Sam pronounce it, than the Baron became transformed in +Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort of person, and forthwith he +commences ingratiating himself by offering him a share of a large paper +of sandwiches, which the Baron accepted with the greatest condescension, +eating what he could and stuffing the remainder into his hat. His +lordship was a better hand at eating than speaking, and the united +efforts of the party could not extract from him the precise purport of +his journey. Sam threw out two or three feasible offers in the way of +bets, but they fell still-born to the bottom of the coach, and Jorrocks +talked to him about hunting and had the conversation all to himself, +the Baron merely replying with a bow and a stare, sometimes diversified +with, or "I tank you--vare good." The conversation by degrees resolved +itself into a snore, in which they were all indulging, when the raw +morning air rushed in among them, as a porter with a lanthorn opened the +door and announced their arrival at Newmarket. Forthwith they turned +into the street, and the outside passengers having descended, they all +commenced straddling, yawning, and stretching their limbs while the +guard and porters sorted their luggage. The Yorkshireman having an eye +to a bed, speedily had Mr. Jorrocks's luggage and his own on the back +of a porter on its way to the "Rutland Arms," while that worthy citizen +followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment at the smallness of the place, +inquiring if they were sure they had not stopped at some village by +mistake. Two beds had been ordered for two gentlemen who could not get +two seats by the mail, which fell to the lot of those who did, and into +these our heroes trundled, having arranged to be called by the early +exercising hour. + +Whether it was from want of his usual night-cap of brandy and water, or +the fatigues of travelling, or what else, remains unknown, but no sooner +was Mr. Jorrocks left alone with his candle, than all at once he was +seized with a sudden fit of trepidation, on thinking that he should have +been inveigled to such a place as Newmarket, and the tremor increasing +as he pulled four five-pound bank-notes out of his watch-pocket, besides +a vast of silver and his great gold watch, he was resolved, should an +attempt be made upon his property, to defend it with his life, and +having squeezed the notes into the toe of his boots, and hid the silver +in the wash-hand stand, he very deliberately put his watch and the poker +under the pillow, and set the heavy chest of drawers with two stout +chairs and a table against the door, after all which exertions he got +into bed and very soon fell sound asleep. + +Most of the inmates of the house were up with the lark to the early +exercises, and the Yorkshireman was as early as any of them. Having +found Mr. Jorrocks's door, he commenced a loud battery against it +without awaking the grocer; he then tried to open it, but only succeeded +in getting it an inch or two from the post, and after several holloas of +"Jorrocks, my man! Mr. Jorrocks! Jorrocks, old boy! holloa, Jorrocks!" +he succeeded in extracting the word "Wot?" from the worthy gentleman as +he rolled over in his bed. "Jorrocks!" repeated the Yorkshireman, "it's +time to be up." "Wot?" again was the answer. "Time to get up. The +morning's breaking." "Let it break," replied he, adding in a mutter, as +he turned over again, "it owes me nothing." + +Entreaties being useless, and a large party being on the point of +setting off, the Yorkshireman joined them, and spent a couple of hours +on the dew-bespangled heath, during which time they not only criticised +the figure and action of every horse that was out, but got up tremendous +appetites for breakfast. In the meantime Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and +having attired himself with his usual care, in a smart blue coat with +metal buttons, buff waistcoat, blue stocking-netted tights, and Hessian +boots, he turned into the main street of Newmarket, where he was lost in +astonishment at the insignificance of the place. But wiser men than +Mr. Jorrocks have been similarly disappointed, for it enters into +the philosophy of few to conceive the fame and grandeur of Newmarket +compressed into the limits of the petty, outlandish, Icelandish place +that bears the name. "Dash my vig," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he brought +himself to bear upon Rogers's shop-window, "this is the werry +meanest town I ever did see. Pray, sir," addressing himself to a +groomish-looking man in a brown cut-away coat, drab shorts and +continuations, who had just emerged from the shop with a race list in +his hand, "Pray, sir, be this your principal street?" The man eyed him +with a mixed look of incredulity and contempt. At length, putting his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, he replied, "I bet a crown +you know as well as I do." "Done," said Mr. Jorrocks holding out his +hand. "No--I won't do that," replied the man, "but I'll tell you what +I'll do with you,--I'll lay you two to one, in fives or fifties if you +like, that you knew before you axed, and that Thunderbolt don't win the +Riddlesworth." "Really," said Mr. Jorrocks, "I'm not a betting man." +"Then, wot the 'ell business have you at Newmarket?" was all the answer +he got. Disgusted with such inhospitable impertinence, Mr. Jorrocks +turned on his heel and walked away. Before the "White Hart" Inn was a +smartish pony phaeton, in charge of a stunted stable lad. "I say, young +chap," inquired Jorrocks, "whose is that?" "How did you know that I +was a young chap?" inquired the abortion turning round. "Guessed it," +replied Jorrocks, chuckling at his own wit. "Then guess whose it is." + +"Pray, are your clocks here by London time?" he asked of a respectable +elderly-looking man whom he saw turn out of the entry leading to the +Kingston rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and then +down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his breeches-pockets, there +to stand to see the "world." [17] "Come now, old 'un--none o' your tricks +here--you've got a match on against time, I suppose," was all the answer +he could get after the man (old R--n the ex-flagellator) had surveyed +him from head to foot. + +[Footnote 17: Newmarket or London--it's all the same--"The world" is but +composed of one's own acquaintance.] + +We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when Mr. Jorrocks met +the Yorkshireman, he was not in the best possible humour; indeed, to say +nothing of the extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we know of +no place where a man, not fond of racing, is so completely out of his +element as at Newmarket, for with the exception of a little "elbow +shaking" in the evening, there is literally and truly nothing else +to do. It is "Heath," "Ditch in," "Abingdon mile," "T.Y.C. Stakes," +"Sweepstakes," "Handicaps," "Bet," "Lay," "Take," "Odds," "Evens," +morning, noon and night. + +Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the breakfast, and some +invidious comparisons between racing men and fox-hunters, which, +however, became softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the +delicacy of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at length appeased, he +again thought of turning out, to have a look, as he said, at the shows +on the course, but the appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the +window, put it out of his head, and he sallied forth to join him. The +Baron was evidently incog.: for he had on the same short dirty-white +waistcoat, Chinese boots, and conical hat, that he travelled down in, +and being a stranger in the land, of course he was uncommonly glad to +pick up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged him a little, called him a "bon +garēon," and a few other endearing terms, he run his great long arm +through his, and walked him down street, the whole peregrinations of +Newmarket being comprised in the words "up street" and "down." He then +communicated in most unrepresentable language, that he was on his way +to buy "an 'oss," and Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect +connoisseur in the article, the Baron again assured him of his +distinguished consideration. They were met by Joe Rogers the trainer +with a ring-key in his hand, who led the way to the stable, and having +unlocked a box in which was a fine slapping four-year old, according to +etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in one hand, laid +hold of the horse's head with the other, while the lad in attendance +stripped off its clothes. The Baron then turned up his wrists, and +making a curious noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand down +each leg, and along its back, after which he gave it a thump in the +belly and squeezed its throat, when, being as wise as he was at +starting, he stuck his thumb in his side, and took a mental survey of +the whole.--"Ah," said he at length--"foin 'oss,--foin 'oss; vot ears he +has?" "Oh," said Rogers, "they show breeding." "Non, non, I say vot ears +he has?" "Well, but he carries them well," was the answer. "Non, non," +stamping, "I say vot ears (years) he has?" "Oh, hang it, I twig--four +years old." Then the Baron took another long look at him. At length he +resumed, "I vill my wet." "What's that?" inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. +"His wet--why, a drink to be sure," and thereupon Rogers went to the +pump and brought a glass of pure water, which the Baron refused with +becoming indignation. "Non, non," said he stamping, "I vill my wet." +Rogers looked at Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at Rogers, but neither +Rogers nor Jorrocks understood him. "I vill my wet," repeated the Baron +with vehemence. "He must want some brandy in it," observed Mr. Jorrocks, +judging of the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent for +three-penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed it out of his hand +with a prolonged sacré-e-e-e--! adding "I vill von wet-tin-nin-na-ary +surgeon." The boy was dispatched for one, and on his arrival the +veterinary surgeon went through the process that the Baron had +attempted, and not being a man of many words, he just gave the Baron a +nod at the end. "How moch?" inquked the Baron of Rogers. "Five hundred," +was the answer. "Vot, five hundred livre?" "Oh d----n it, you may take +or leave him, just as you like, but you won't get him for less." The +"vet" explained that the Baron wished to know whether it was five +hundred francs (French ten-pences), or five hundred guineas English +money, and being informed that it was the latter, he gave his conical +hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted out of the box. + +But race hour approaches, and people begin to assemble in groups before +the "rooms," while tax-carts, pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual +aristocratical accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at intervals +into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a spring-cart, driven by a +ploughboy in fustian, there the Earl of---- on a ten-pound pony, with +the girths elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over its +head, while Miss----, his jockey's daughter, dashes by him in a phaeton +with a powdered footman, and the postilion in scarlet and leathers, with +a badge on his arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem Bland draws +the yellow phaeton and greys to the gateway of the "White Hart," to take +up his friend Crutch Robinson; Zac, Jack and another, have just driven +on in a fly. In short, it's a brilliant meeting! Besides four coronetted +carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons-and-pair; a +thing that would have been a phaeton if they'd have let it; General +Grosvenor's dog-carriage, that is to say, his carriage with a dog upon +it; Lady Chesterfield and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phaeton with an +out-rider (Miss---- will have one next meeting instead of the +powdered footman); Tattersall in his double carriage driving without +bearing-reins; Old Theobald in leather breeches and a buggy; five Bury +butchers in a tax-cart; Young Dutch Sam on a pony; "Short-odds Richards" +on a long-backed crocodile-looking rosinante; and no end of pedestrians. + +But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why eating brawn in the +"Rutland Arms" with his friend the Baron, perfectly unconscious that +all these passers-by were not the daily visables of the place. "Dash +my vig," said he, as he bolted another half of the round, "I see no +symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the honour to take another +glass of sherry." His lordship was nothing loath, so by mutual +entreaties they finished the bottle, besides a considerable quantity +of porter. A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk punch cart +mare--fresh from the plough--having been considerately provided by the +Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, with a cob for himself, they proceeded +to mount in the yard, when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that the +Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, seemed disconcerted, +but it was only momentary; for walking up to the punch mare, and resting +his elbow on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly +vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though proud of the +patronage of a lord, did not exactly comprehend whether he was in +earnest or not, but the Baron soon let him know; for thrusting his +conical hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks's waist, and +gave the old mare a touch in the flank with the Chinese boot, crying +out--"Along me, brave _garēon_, along _ma cher_," and the owner of the +mare living at Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that direction, +while the Yorkshireman slipped down the town unperceived. The sherry had +done its business on them both; the Baron, and who, perhaps was the most +"cut" of the two, chaunted the _Marsellaise_ hymn of liberty with +as much freedom as though he were sitting in the saddle. Thus they +proceeded laughing and singing until the Bury pay-gate arrested their +progress, when it occurred to the steersman to ask if they were going +right. "Be this the vay to Newmarket races?" inquired Jorrocks of the +pike-keeper. The man dived into the small pocket of his white apron for +a ticket and very coolly replied, "Shell out, old 'un." "How much?" said +Jorrocks. "Tuppence," which having got, he said, "Now, then, you may +turn, for the heath be over yonder," pointing back, "at least it was +there this morning, I know." After a volley of abuse for his impudence, +Mr. Jorrocks, with some difficulty got the old mare pulled round, for +she had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a plain snaffle in it; +at last, however, with the aid of a boy to beat her with a furze-bush, +they got her set a-going again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted +"down street," rose the hill, and entered the spacious wide-extending +flat of Newmarket Heath. The races were going forward on one of the +distant courses, and a slight, insignificant, black streak, swelling +into a sort of oblong (for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), +was all that denoted the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect of +the quiet extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified, having through life +pictured Epsom as a mere drop in the ocean compared with the countless +multitude of Newmarket, while the Baron, who was wholly indifferent to +the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks pitched over the mare's head by +applying the furze-bush (which he had got from the boy) to her tail +while Mr. Jorrocks was sitting loosely, contemplating the barrenness +of the prospect. The sherry was still alive, and being all for fun, he +shuffled back into the saddle as soon as the old mare gave over kicking; +and giving a loud tally-ho, with some minor "hunting noises," which were +responded to by the Baron in notes not capable of being set to music, +and aided by an equally indescribable accompaniment from the old mare at +every application of the bush, she went off at score over the springy +turf, and bore them triumphantly to the betting-post just as the ring +was in course of formation, a fact which she announced by a loud neigh +on viewing her companion of the plough, as well as by unpsetting some +half-dozen black-legs as she rushed through the crowd to greet her. +Great was the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing,--for though the +Newmarketites are familiar with most conveyances, from a pair of horses +down to a pair of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see two +men ride into the ring on the same horse,--certainly not with such a hat +between them as the Baron's. + +The gravest and weightiest matters will not long distract the attention +of a black-leg, and the laughter having subsided without Jorrocks or the +Baron being in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again +formed; horses' heads again turn towards the post, while carriages, +gigs, and carts form an outer circle. A solemn silence ensues. The legs +are scanning the list. At length one gives tongue. "What starts? Does +Lord Eldon start?" "No, he don't," replies the owner. "Does Trick, by +Catton?" "Yes, and Conolly rides--but mind, three pounds over." "Does +John Bull?" "No John's struck out." "Polly Hopkins does, so does +Talleyrand, also O, Fy! out of Penitence; Beagle and Paradox also--and +perhaps Pickpocket." + +Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the betting-books. The +legs and lords look at each other, but no one likes to lead off. At +length a voice is heard offering to take nine to one he names the +winner. "It's short odds, doing it cautiously. I'll take eight then," he +adds--"sivin!" but no one bites. "What will anyone lay about Trick, by +Catton?" inquires Jem Bland. "I'll lay three to two again him. I'll +take two to one--two ponies to one, and give you a suv. for laying it." +"Carn't" is the answer. "I'll do it, Jem," cries a voice. "No, you +won't," from Bland, not liking his customer. Now they are all at it, and +what a hubbub there is! "I'll back the field--I'll lay--I'll take--I'll +bet--ponies--fifties--hundreds--five hundred to two." "What do you +want, my lord?" "Three to one against Trick, by Catton." "Carn't afford +it--the odds really arn't that in the ring." "Take two--two hundred to +one." "No." "Crockford, you'll do it for me?" "Yes, my lord. Twice over +if you like. Done, done." "Do it again?" "No, thank you." + +"Trick, by Catton, don't start!" cries a voice. "Impossible!" exclaim +his backers. "Quite true, I'm just from the weighing-house, and----told +me so himself." "Shame! shame!" roar those who have backed him, and +"honour--rascals--rogues--thieves--robbery--swindle--turf-ruined"--fly +from tongue to tongue, but they are all speakers with never a speaker to +cry order. Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on their hacks with +the horses' cloths to the rubbing-house, and the horses have actually +started, and are now visible in the distance sweeping over the open +heath, apparently without guide or beacon. + +The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's box, and have just +time to range themselves along the rude stakes and ropes that guard the +run in, and the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony +to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable-lads to "clear the +course," before the horses come flying towards home. Now all is tremor; +hope and fear vacillating in each breast. Silence stands breathless with +expectation--all eyes are riveted--the horses come within descrying +distance--"beautiful!" three close together, two behind. "Clear the +course! clear the course! pray clear the course!" "Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" roar a hundred voices as they near. "O, Fy! O, Fy!" respond an +equal number. "The horse! the horse!" bellow a hundred more, as though +their yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy! and Talleyrand +rush neck-and-neck along the cords and pass the judge's box. A cry of +"dead heat!" is heard. The bystanders see as suits their books, and +immediately rush to the judge's box, betting, bellowing, roaring, +and yelling the whole way. "What's won? what's won? what's won?" is +vociferated from a hundred voices. "Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" replies Mr. Clark with judicial dignity. "By how much? by how +much?" "Half a head--half a head," [18] replies the same functionary. +"What's second?" "O, Fy!" and so, amid the song of "Pretty, pretty Polly +Hopkins," from the winners, and curses and execrations long, loud, and +deep, from the losers, the scene closes. + +The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-house, while the losing +horses are left in the care of their trainers and stable-boys, who +console themselves with hopes of "better luck next time." + +After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding is the wheeling of +the judge's box, and removal of the old stakes and ropes to another +course on a different part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few +ragged rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture they bear. In less +than half an hour the same group of anxious careworn countenances are +again turned upon each other at the betting-post, as though they had +never separated. But see! the noble owner of Trick, by Catton, is in the +crowd, and Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. "I say, Waggey," cries he +(singling out a friend stationed by his lordship), "had you ought on +Trick, by Catton?" "No, Jem," roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, "I knew +my man too well." "Why now, Waggey, do you know I wouldn't have done +such a thing for the world! no, not even to have been made a Markiss!" +a horse-laugh follows this denunciation, at which the newly created +marquis bites his livid lips. + +[Footnote 18: No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head; but we let +the whole passage stand as originally written.--EDITOR.] + +The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, still sticks to the +punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks steers to the newly formed ring aided by +the Baron and the furze-bush. Here they come upon Sam Spring, whose boy +has just brought his spring-cart to bear upon the ring formed by the +horsemen, and thinking it a pity a nobleman of any county should be +reduced to the necessity of riding double, very politely offers to +take one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and forthwith +proceeds to make himself quite at home in it. The chorus again +commences, and Jorrocks interrogates Sam as to the names of the +brawlers. "Who be that?" said he, "offering to bet a thousand to a +hundred." Spring, after eyeing him through his spectacles, with a +grin and a look of suspicion replies, "Come now--come--let's have no +nonsense--you know as well as I." "Really," replies Mr. Jorrocks most +earnestly, "I don't." "Why, where have you lived all your life?" +"First part of it with my grandmother at Lisson Grove, afterwards at +Camberwell, but now I resides in Great Coram Street, Russell Square--a +werry fashionable neighbourhood." "Oh, I see," replies Sam, "you are one +of the reg'lar city coves, then--now, what brings you here?" "Just to +say that I have been at Newmarket, for I'm blowed if ever you catch +me here again." "That's a pity," replied Sam, "for you look like a +promising man--a handsome-bodied chap in the face--don't you sport any?" +"O a vast!--'unt regularly--I'm a member of the Surrey 'unt--capital one +it is too--best in England by far." "What do you hunt?" inquired Sam. +"Foxes, to be sure." "And are they good eating?" "Come," replied +Jorrocks, "you know, as well as I do, we don't eat 'em." The dialogue +was interrupted by someone calling to Sam to know what he was backing. + +"The Bedlamite colt, my lord," with a forefinger to his hat. "Who's +that?" inquired Jorrocks. "That's my Lord L----, a baron-lord--and a +very nice one--best baron-lord I know--always bets with me--that's +another baron-lord next him, and the man next him is a baron-knight, a +stage below a baron-lord--something between a nobleman and a gentleman." +"And who be that stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and velvet +collar next him, just rubbing his chin with the race card--he'll be a +lord too, I suppose?" "No,--that's Mr. Gully, as honest a man as ever +came here,--that's Crockford before him. The man on the right is +Mr. C----, who they call the 'cracksman,' because formerly he was a +professional housebreaker, but he has given up that trade, and turned +gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. This little ugly black-faced +chap, that looks for all the world like a bilious Scotch terrier, +has lately come among us. He was a tramping pedlar--sold worsted +stockings--attended country courses, and occasionally bet a pair. Now he +bets thousands of pounds, and keeps racehorses. The chaps about him +all covered with chains and rings and brooches, were in the duffing +line--sold brimstoned sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls for real +Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. Now each has a first-rate +house, horses and carriages, and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, +with the extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cambridge. He'll +bet you a thousand pounds as soon as look at you." + +"The chap on the right of the post with the red tie, is the son of an +ostler. He commenced betting thousands with a farthing capital. The man +next him, all teeth and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an Honourable +by birth, but not very honourable in his nature." "But see," cried Mr. +Jorrocks, "Lord---- is talking to the Cracksman." "To be sure," replies +Sam, "that's the beauty of the turf. The lord and the leg are reduced to +an equality. Take my word for it, if you have a turn for good society, +you should come upon the turf.--I say, my Lord Duke!" with all five +fingers up to his hat, "I'll lay you three to two on the Bedlamite +colt." "Done, Mr. Spring," replies his Grace, "three ponies to two." +"There!" cried Mr. Spring, turning to Jorrocks, "didn't I tell you so?" +The riot around the post increases. It is near the moment of starting, +and the legs again become clamorous for what they want. Their vehemence +increases. Each man is _in extremis_. "They are off!" cries one. "No, +they are not," replies another. "False start," roars a third. "Now they +come!" "No, they don't!" "Back again." They are off at last, however, +and away they speed over the flat. The horses come within descrying +distance. It's a beautiful race--run at score the whole way, and only +two tailed off within the cords. Now they set to--whips and spurs go, +legs leap, lords shout, and amid the same scene of confusion, betting, +galloping, cursing, swearing, and bellowing, the horses rush past the +judge's box. + +But we have run our race, and will not fatigue our readers with +repetition. Let us, however, spend the evening, and then the "Day at +Newmarket" will be done. + +Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, persuades Mr. +Jorrocks to make one of a most agreeable dinner-party at the "White +Hart" on the assurance of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid +for sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six o'clock that +number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, the accomplished keeper of +an oyster-room and minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon to +take the chair, supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and on his left +by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames Street, while the stout, jolly, portly +Jerry Hawthorn fills--in the fullest sense of the word--the vice-chair. +Just as the waiters are removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, in his +conical hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, all politeness, invites +him to join the party. "I tank you," replies the Baron, "but I have my +wet in de next room." "But bring your wet with you," rejoins Sam, "we'll +all have our wet together after dinner," thinking the Baron meant his +wine. + +The usual inn grace--"For what we are going to receive, the host expects +to be paid",--having been said with great feeling and earnestness, they +all set to at the victuals, and little conversation passed until the +removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon his vice, observed +that as in all probability there were gentlemen of different political +and other opinions present, perhaps the best way would be to give a +comprehensive toast, and so get over any debatable ground,--he therefore +proposed to drink in a bumper "The king, the queen, and all the royal +family, the ministry, particularly the Master of the Horse, the Army, +the Navy, the Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner they +had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord of the White Hart" +(great applause). Song from Jerry Hawthorn--"The King of the Cannibal +Islands".--The chairman then called upon the company to fill their +glasses to a toast upon which there could be no difference of opinion. +"It was a sport which they all enjoyed, one that was delightful to the +old and to the young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. +Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, he had never yet met +any man with the hardihood to deny that racing was at once the noblest +and the most legitimate" (loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that +set all the glasses dancing), "not only was it the noblest and most +legitimate, but it was the most profitable; and where was the man of +high and honourable principle who did not feel when breathing the pure +atmosphere of that Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought, that +though he might have left those who were near and dear to him in a less +genial atmosphere, still he was not selfishly enjoying himself, without +a thought for their welfare; for racing, while it brought health and +vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to the mind of a +parent--the means of promoting the happiness and prosperity of his +family--(immense cheers). With these few observations he should simply +propose 'The Turf,' and may we long be above it"--(applause and, on the +motion of Mr. Spring, three cheers for Mrs. Badchild and all the little +Badchildren were called for and given). When the noise had subsided. Mr. +Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid whispers and inquiries as to who +he was. "Gentlemen," said he, with an indignant stare, and a thump on +the table, "Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen from our worthy +chairman, I go-in-sides, save in what he says about racing--I insists +that 'unting is the sport of sports" (immense laughter, and cries of +"wot an old fool!") "Gentlemen may laugh, but I say it's a fact, and +though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancy whatsomever, yet I +should despise myself most confoundedly--should consider myself unworthy +of the great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour to +belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for the chase +(laughter).--I say, it's one of the balances of the constitution +(laughter).--I say, it's the sport of kings! the image of war without +its guilt (hisses and immense laughter). He would fearlessly propose a +bumper toast--he would give them 'fox-hunting.'" There was some demur +about drinking it, but on the interposition of Sam Spring, who assured +the company that Jorrocks was one of the right sort, and with an +addition proposed by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the toast more +comprehensible, they swallowed it, and the chairman followed it up +with "The Sod",--which was drunk with great applause. Mr. Cox of Blue +Hammerton returned thanks. "He considered cock-fighting the finest of +all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the rush between two prime +grey-hackles--that was his colour. The chairman had said a vast for +racing, and to cut the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting +combined all the advantages of making money, with the additional benefit +of not being interfered with by the weather. He begged to return his +best thanks for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he had not +been taught speaking in his youth, or he would certainly have convinced +them all, that 'cocking' was the sport." "Coursing" was the next +toast--for which Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. "He was very +fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought, after racing, coursing was the +true thing. He was no orator, and so he drank off his wine to the health +of the company." "Steeplechasing" followed, for which Mr. Coalman of +St. Albans returned thanks, assuring the company that it answered his +purpose remarkably well. Then the Vice gave the "Chair," and the Chair +gave the "Vice"; and by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the +game of "Chicken-hazard," observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, that +perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock purse for the +purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, +replied; "Sir, I'm d----d if I do." + + + +VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY + +Mr. Jorrocks had been very poorly indeed of indigestion, as he calls +it, produced by tucking in too much roast beef and plum pudding at +Christmas, and prolonging the period of his festivities a little beyond +the season allowed by Moore's _Almanack_, and having in vain applied the +usual remedies prescribed on such occasions, he at length consented to +try the Cheltenham waters, though altogether opposed to the element, he +not having "astonished his stomach," as he says, for the last fifteen +years with a glass of water. + +Having established himself and the Yorkshireman in a small private +lodging in High Street, consisting of two bedrooms and a sitting-room, +he commenced his visits to the royal spa, and after a few good drenches, +picked up so rapidly, that to whatever inn they went to dine, the +landlords and waiters were astounded at the consumption of prog, and in +a very short time he was known from the "Royal Hotel" down to Hurlston's +Commercial Inn, as the great London Cormorant. At first, however, he was +extremely depressed in spirits, and did nothing the whole day after his +arrival, but talk about the arrangement of his temporal affairs; and the +first symptom he gave of returning health was one day at dinner at the +"Plough," by astonishing two or three scarlet-coated swells, who as +usual were disporting themselves in the coffee-room, by bellowing to the +waiter for some Talli-ho "sarce" to his fish. Before this he had never +once spoken of his favourite diversion, and the sportsmen cantered by +the window to cover in the morning, and back in the afternoon, without +eliciting a single observation from him. The morning after this change +for the better, he addressed his companion at breakfast as follows: +"Blow me tight, Mr. York, if I arn't regularly renowated. I'm as fresh +as an old hat after a shower of rain. I really thinks I shall get over +this terrible illness, for I dreamt of 'unting last night, and, if +you've a mind, we'll go and see my Lord Segrave's reynard dog, and then +start from this 'ere corrupt place, for, you see, it's nothing but a +town, and what's the use of sticking oneself in a little pokey lodging +like this 'ere, where there really is not room to swing a cat, and +paying the deuce knows how much tin, too, when one has a splendid house +in Great Coram Street going on all the time, with a rigler establishment +of servants and all that sort of thing. Now, you knows, I doesn't grudge +a wisit to Margate, though that's a town too, but then, you see, one has +the sea to look at, whereas here, it's nothing but a long street with +shops, not so good as those in Red Lion Street, with a few small streets +branching off from it, and as to the prommenard, as they calls it, aside +the spa, with its trees and garden stuff, why, I'm sure, to my mind, the +Clarence Gardens up by the Regent's Park, are quite as fine. It's true +the doctor says I must remain another fortnight to perfect the cure, but +then them 'ere M.D.'s, or whatever you calls them, are such rum jockeys, +and I always thinks they say one word for the patient and two for +themselves. Now, my chap said, I must only take half a bottle o' black +strap a day at the werry most, whereas I have never had less than a +whole one--his half first, as I say, and my own after--and because I +tells him I take a pint, he flatters himself his treatment is capital, +and that he is a wonderful M.D.; but as a man can't be better than well, +I think we'll just see what there's to be seen in the neighbourhood, and +then cut our sticks, and, as I said before, I should like werry much to +see my Lord Segrave's hounds, in order that I may judge whether there +is anything in the wide world to be compared to the Surrey, for if I +remember right, Mr. Nimrod described them as werry, werry fine, indeed." + +Having formed this resolution, Jorrocks stamped on the floor (for the +bell was broken) for the little boy who did the odd jobs of the house, +to bring up his Hessian boots, into which having thrust his great +calves, and replaced the old brown great-coat which he uses for a +dressing-gown by a superfine Saxony blue, with metal buttons and pockets +outside, he pulled his wig straight, stuck his white hat with the green +flaps knowingly on his head, and sallied forth for execution as stout a +man as ever. Knowing that the kennel is near the Winchcourt road, they +proceeded in that direction, but after walking about a mile, came upon +a groom on a chestnut horse, who, returning from the chase, was wetting +his whistle at the appropriate sign of the "Fox and Hounds," and who +informed them that they had passed the turning for the kennel, but that +the hounds were out, and then in a wood which he pointed out on the +hillside about two miles off, into which they had just brought their +fox. Looking in that direction, they presently saw the summit of one of +the highest of the range of hills that encircle the town of Cheltenham, +covered with horsemen and pedestrians, who kept moving backwards and +forwards on the "mountain's brow," looking in the distance more like a +flock of sheep than anything else. Jorrocks, being all right again and +up to anything, proposed a start to the wood, and though he thought they +should hardly reach it before the hounds either killed their fox or he +broke away again, they agreed to take the chance, and away they went, +"best leg first" as the saying is. The cover (Queen Wood by name, and, +as Jorrocks found out from somebody, the property of Lord Ellenborough) +being much larger than it at first appeared and the fox but a bad one, +they were in lots of time, and having toiled to the top of the wood, +Jorrocks swaggered in among the horsemen with all the importance of an +alderman. For full an hour after they got there the hounds kept running +in cover, the fox being repeatedly viewed and the pack continually +pressing him. Once or twice he came out, but after skirting the cover's +edge a few yards turned in again. Indeed, there were two foxes on foot, +one being a three-legged one, and it was extraordinary how he went and +stood before hounds, going apparently very cautiously and stopping every +now and then to listen. At last a thundering old grey-backed fellow went +away before the whole field, making for the steep declivities that +lead into the downs, and though the brow of the hill was covered with +foot-people who holloa'd and shouted enough to turn a lion, he would +make his point, and only altering his course so as to avoid running +right among the mob, he gained the summit of the hill and disappeared. +This hill, being uncommonly steep, was a breather for hounds that had +been running so long as they had, in a thick cover too, and neither they +nor the horses went at it with any great dash. The fox was not a fellow +to be caught very easily, and nothing but a good start could have given +them any chance, but the hounds never got well settled to the scent, and +after a fruitless cast his lordship gave it up, and Jorrocks and Co. +trudged back to Cheltenham, J---- highly delighted at so favourable an +opportunity of seeing the hounds. Indeed, so pleased was he with the +turn-out and the whole thing, that finding from Skinner, one of +the whippers-in, that they met on the following morning at Purge +Down-turnpike, in their best country, forgetting all about his +indigestion and the royal spa, he went to Newman and Longridge, the +horse dealers and livery stable keepers and engaged a couple of nags "to +look at the hounds upon," as he impressed upon their minds, which he +ordered to be ready at nine o'clock. + +This day he proposed to give the landlord of the "George Inn," in the +High Street, the benefit of his rapacious appetite, and about five +o'clock (his latest London hour) they sat down to dinner. The "George" +is neither exactly a swell house like the "Royal Hotel" or the "Plough," +nor yet a commercial one, but something betwixt and between. The +coffee-room is very small, consequently all the frequenters are drawn +together, and if a conversation is started a man must be deuced +unsociable that does not join in the cry. + +As three or four were sitting round the fire chatting over their tipple, +and Jorrocks was telling some of his best bouncers, the door opened +and a waiter bowed a fresh animal into the cage, who, after eyeing the +party, took off his hat and forthwith proceeded to pull off divers +neckcloths, cloaks, great-coats, muffitees, until he reduced himself to +about half the size he was on entering. He was a little square-built +old man, with white hair and plenty of it, a long stupid red face with +little pig eyes, a very long awkward body, and very short legs. He +was dressed in a blue coat, buff waistcoat, a sort of baggy grey or +thunder-and-lightning trousers, over which he had buttoned a pair of +long black gaiters. Having "peeled," he rubbed his hands and blew upon +them, as much as to say, "Now, gentlemen, won't you let me have a smell +of the fire?" and, accordingly, by a sort of military revolution, they +made a place for him right in the centre. + +"Coldish night I reckon, sir," said Jorrocks, looking him over. + +"Very cold indeed, very cold indeed," answered he, rubbing his elbows +against his ribs, and stamping with his feet. "I've just got off the top +of the Liverpool coach, and, I can assure you, it's very cold riding +outside a coach all day long--however, I always say that it's better +than being inside, though, indeed, it's very little that I trouble +coaches at all in the course of the year--generally travel in my own +carriage, only my family have it with them in Bristol now, where +I'm going to join them; but I'm well used to the elements, hunting, +shooting, and fishing, as I do constantly." + +This later announcement made Jorrocks rouse up, and finding himself +in the company of a sportsman and one, too, who travelled in his +own carriage, he assumed a different tone and commenced on a fresh +tack--"and pray, may I make bold to inquire what country you hunts in, +sir?" said he. + +"Oh! I live in Cheshire--Mainwaring's country, but Melton's the place I +chiefly hunt at,--know all the fellows there; rare set of dogs, to be +sure,--only country worth hunting in, to my mind." + +_Jorrocks_. Rigler swells, though, the chaps, arn't they? Recollect +one swell of a fellow coming with his upper lip all over fur into our +country, thinking to astonish our weak minds, but I reckon we told him +out. + +_Stranger_. What! you hunt, do you? + +_Jorrocks_. A few--you've perhaps heard tell of the Surrey 'unt? + +_Stranger_. Cocktail affair, isn't it? + +_Jorrocks_. No such thing, I assure you. Cocktail indeed! I likes that. + +_Stranger_. Well, but it's not what we calls a fast-coach. + +_Jorrocks_. I doesn't know wot you calls a fast-coach, but if you've a +mind to make a match, I'll bet you a hat, ay, or half a dozen hats, that +I'll find a fellow to take the conceit out o' any your Meltonians. + +_Stranger_. Oh! I don't doubt but you have some good men among you; I'm +sure I didn't mean anything offensive, by asking if it was a cocktail +affair, but we Meltonians certainly have a trick, I must confess, of +running every other country down; come, sir, I'll drink the Surrey hunt +with all my heart, said he, swigging off the remains of a glass of +brandy-and-water which the waiter had brought him shortly after +entering. + +_Jorrocks_. Thank you, sir, kindly. Waiter, bring me a bottom o' brandy, +cold, without--and don't stint for quantity, if you please. Doesn't you +think these inns werry expensive places, sir? I doesn't mean this in +particular, but inns in general. + +_Stranger_. Oh! I don't know, sir. We must expect to pay. "Live and let +live," is my motto. I always pay my inn bills without looking them over. +Just cast my eyes at the bottom to see the amount, then call for pen and +ink, add so much for waiter, so much for chambermaid, so much for boots, +and if I'm travelling in my own carriage so much for the ostler for +greasing. That's the way I do business, sir. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, sir, a werry pleasant plan too, especially for the +innkeeper--and all werry right for a gentleman of fortune like you. My +motto, however, is "Waste not, want not," and my wife's father's motto +was "Wilful waste brings woeful want," and I likes to have my money's +worth.--Now, said he, pulling out a handful of bills, at some places +that I go to they charges me six shillings a day for my dinner, and when +I was ill and couldn't digest nothing but the lightest and plainest of +breakfasts, when a fork breakfast in fact would have made a stiff 'un of +me, and my muffin mill was almost stopped, they charged me two shillings +for one cake, and sixpence for two eggs.--Now I'm in the tea trade +myself, you must know, and I contend that as things go, or at least as +things went before the Barbarian eye, as they call Napier, kicked up a +row with the Hong merchants, it's altogether a shameful imposition, and +I wonder people put up with it. + +_Stranger_. Oh, sir, I don't know. I think that it is the charge all +over the country. Besides, it doesn't do to look too closely at these +things, and you must allow something for keeping up the coffee-room, you +know--fire, candles, and so on. + +_Jorrocks_. But blow me tight, you surely don't want a candle to +breakfast by? However, I contends that innkeepers are great fools for +making these sort of charges, for it makes people get out of their +houses as quick as ever they can, whereas they might be inclined to stay +if they could get things moderate.--For my part I likes a coffee-room, +but having been used to commercial houses when I travelled, I knows what +the charges ought to be. Now, this room is snug enough though small, and +won't require no great keeping up. + +_Stranger_. No--but this room is smaller than the generality of them, +you know. They frequently have two fires in them, besides no end of oil +burning.--I know the expense of these things, for I have a very large +house in the country, and rely upon it, innkeepers have not such immense +profits as many people imagines--but, as I said before, "live and let +live." + +_Jorrocks_. So says I, "live and let live"--but wot I complains of is, +that some innkeepers charge so much that they won't let people live. +No man is fonder of eating than myself, but I don't like to pay by the +mouthful, or yet to drink tea at so much a thimbleful. By the way, Sar, +if you are not previously engaged, I should be werry happy to supply you +with red Mocho or best Twankay at a very reasonable figure indeed for +cash? + +_Stranger._ Thank you, sir, thank you. Those are things I never +interfere with--leave all these things to my people. My housekeeper +sends me in her book every quarter day, with an account of what she +pays. I just look at the amount--add so much for wages, and write a +cheque--"live and let live!" say I. However, added he, pulling out his +watch, and ringing the bell for the chambermaid, "I hate to get up very +early, so I think it is time to go to bed, and I wish you a very good +night, gentlemen all." + +Jorrocks gets up, advances half-way to the door, makes him one of his +most obsequious bows, and wishes him a werry good night. Having heard +him tramp upstairs and safely deposited in his bedroom, they pulled +their chairs together again, and making a smaller circle round the fire, +proceeded to canvass their departed friend. Jorrocks began--"I say, wot +a regular swell the chap is--a Meltonian, too.--I wonders who the deuce +he is. Wish Mr. Nimrod was among us, he could tell us all about him, I +dare say. I'm blowed if I didn't take him for a commercial gentleman at +first, until he spoke about his carriages. I likes to see gentlemen +of fortune making themselves sociable by coming into the coffee-room, +instead of sticking themselves up in private sitting-rooms, as if nobody +was good enough for them. You know Melton, Mr. York; did you ever see +the gentleman out?" + +"I can't say that I ever did," said his friend, "but people look so +different in their red coats to what they do in mufti, that there's no +such thing as recognising them unless you had a previous acquaintance +with them. The fields in Leicestershire are sometimes so large that it +requires a residence to get anything like a general knowledge of the +hunt, and, you know, Northamptonshire's the country for my money, after +Surrey, of course." + +"I don't think he is a gentleman," observed a thin sallow-complexioned +young man, who, sitting on one side of the fire, had watched the +stranger very narrowly without joining in the conversation. "He gives me +more the idea of a gentleman's servant, acting the part of master, than +anything else." + +_Jorrocks._ Oh! he is a gentleman, I'm sure--besides, a servant wouldn't +travel in a carriage you know, and he talked about greasing the wheels +and all that sort of thing, which showed he was familiar with the thing. + +"That's very true," replied the youth--"but a servant may travel in the +rumble and pay for greasing the wheels all the same, or perhaps have to +grease them himself." + +"Well, I should say he's a foolish purse-proud sort of fellow," observed +another, "who has come into money unexpectedly, and who likes to be the +cock of his party, and show off a little." + +_Jorrocks._ I'll be bound to say you're all wrong--you are not +fox-hunters, you see, or you would know that that is a way the sportsmen +have--we always make ourselves at home and agreeable--have a word for +everybody in fact, and no reserve; besides, you see, there was nothing +gammonacious, as I calls it, about his toggery, no round-cut coats with +sporting buttons, or coaches and four, or foxes for pins in his shirt. + +"I don't care for that," replied the sallow youth, "dress him as you +will, court suit, bag wig, and sword, you'll make nothing better of +him--he's a SNOB." + +Jorrocks, getting up, runs to the table on which the hats were standing, +saying, "I wonder if he's left his castor behind him? I've always found +a man's hat will tell a good deal. This is yours, Mr. York, with the +loop to it, and here's mine--I always writes Golgotha in mine, which +being interpreted, you know, means the place of a skull. These are +yours, I presume, gentlemen?" said he, taking up two others. "Confound +him, he's taken his tile with him--however, I'm quite positive he's a +gentleman--lay you a hat apiece all round he is, if you like!" + +"But how are we to prove it?" inquired the youth. + +_Jorrocks._ Call in the waiter. + +_Youth._ He may know nothing about him, and a waiter's gentleman is +always the man who pays him most. + +_Jorrocks._ Trust the waiter for knowing something about him, and if he +doesn't, why, it's only to send a purlite message upstairs, saying that +two gentlemen in the coffee-room have bet a trifle that he is some +nobleman--Lord Maryborough, for instance,--he's a little chap--but we +must make haste, or the gentleman will be asleep. + +"Well, then, I'll take your bet of a hat," replied the youth, "that he +is not what I call a gentleman." + +_Jorrocks._ I don't know what you calls a gentleman. I'll lay you a hat, +a guinea one, either white or black, whichever you like, but none o' +your dog hairs or gossamers, mind--that he's a man of dibs, and doesn't +follow no trade or calling, and if that isn't a gentleman, I don't know +wot is. What say you, Mr. York? + +"Suppose we put it thus--You bet this gentleman a hat that he's a +Meltonian, which will comprise all the rest." + +_Jorrocks._ Werry well put. Do you take me, sir? A guinea hat against a +guinea hat. + +"I do," said the youth. + +_Jorrocks._ Then DONE--now ring the bell for the waiter--I'll pump him. + +_Enter waiter._ + +_Jorrocks._ Snuff them candles, if you please, and bring me another +bottom o' brandy-cold, without--and, waiter! here, pray who is that +gentleman that came in by the Liverpool coach to-night? The little +gentleman in long black gaiters who sat in this chair, you know, and had +some brandy-and-water. + +_Waiter._ I know who you mean, sir, quite well, the gentleman who's gone +to bed. Let me see, what's his name? He keeps that large Hotel in---- +Street, Liverpool--what's the--Here an immense burst of laughter drowned +the remainder of the sentence. + +Jorrocks rose in a rage. "No! you double-distilled blockhead," said he, +"no such thing--you're thinking of someone else. The gentleman hunts at +Melton Mowbray, and travels in his own carriage." + +_Waiter_. I don't know nothing about Melton Mowbray, sir, but the last +time he came through here on his road to Bristol, he was in one of his +own rattle-trap yellows, and had such a load--his wife, a nurse, and +eight children inside; himself, his son, and an apple-tree on the +dickey--that the horses knocked up half-way and... + +_Jorrocks_. Say no more--say no more--d----n his teeth and +toe-nails--and that's swearing--a thing I never do but on the most +outrageous occasions. Confounded humbug, I'll be upsides with him, +however. Waiter, bring the bill and no more brandy. Never was so done in +all my life--a gammonacious fellow! "There, sir, there's your one pound +one," said he, handing a sovereign and a shilling to the winner of the +hat. "Give me my tile, and let's mizzle.--Waiter, I can't wait; must +bring the bill up to my lodgings in the morning if it isn't ready.--Come +away, come away--I shall never get over this as long as ever I live. +'Live and let live,' indeed! no wonder he stuck up for the innkeepers--a +publican and a sinner as he is. Good night, gentlemen, good night." + +_Exit Jorrocks_. + + + +VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE + +The shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, and footmen in red +plush breeches objects of real commiseration, when Mr. Jorrocks, +tired of the heat and "ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved upon +undertaking an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is "his custom +always in the afternoon," in the arbour at the farther end of his gravel +walk, which he dignifies by the name of "garden," and had just finished +a rough mental calculation, as to whether he could eat more bread spread +with jam or honey, when the idea of the jaunt entered his imagination. +Being a man of great decision, he speedily winnowed the project over +in his mind, and producing a five-pound note from the fob of his small +clothes, passed it in review between his fingers, rubbed out the +creases, held it up to the light, refolded and restored it to his fob. +"Batsay," cried he, "bring my castor--the white one as hangs next the +blue cloak;" and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, white hat +was transferred from the peg to Mr. Jorrocks's head. This done, he +proceeded to the "Piazza," where he found the Yorkshireman exercising +himself up and down the spacious coffee-room, and, grasping his hand +with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith began unburthening himself of +the object of his mission. "'Ow are you?" said he, shaking his arm like +the handle of a pump. "'Ow are you, I say?--I'm so delighted to see you, +ye carn't think--isn't this charming weather! It makes me feel like a +butterfly--really think the 'air is sprouting under my vig." Here he +took off his wig and rubbed his hand over his bald head, as though he +were feeling for the shoots. + +"Now to business--Mrs. J---- is away at Tooting, as you perhaps knows, +and I'm all alone in Great Coram Street, with the key of the cellar, +larder, and all that sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be +off on a jaunt--what say you?" "Not the slightest objection," replied +the Yorkshireman, "on the old principle of you finding cash, and me +finding company." "Why, now I'll tell you, werry honestly, that I should +greatly prefer your paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a mind +to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a five-pound note and +whatever silver I have in my pocket," pulling out a great handful as he +spoke, and counting up thirty-two and sixpence. "Very good," replied +the Yorkshireman when he had finished, "I'm your man;--and not to be +behindhand in point of liberality, I've got threepence that I received +in change at the cigar divan just now, which I will add to the common +stock, so that we shall have six pounds twelve and ninepence between +us." "Between us!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, "now that's so like a +Yorkshireman. I declare you Northerns seem to think all the world are +asleep except yourselves;--howsomever, I von't quarrel with you--you're +a goodish sort of chap in your way, and so long as I keep the swag, +we carn't get far wrong. Well, then, to-morrow at two we'll start for +Margate--the most delightful place in all the world, where we will have +a rare jollification, and can stay just as long as the money holds +out. So now good-bye--I'm off home again to see about wittles for the +woyage." + +It were almost superfluous to mention that the following day was a +Saturday--for no discreet citizen would think of leaving town on any +other. It dawned with uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram Street +and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn with more than their wonted +energy. Never, save on a hunting morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about +in bed with such restless anxiety as cock after cock took up the crow +in every gradation of noise from the shrill note of the free +street-scouring chanticleer before the door, to the faint response of +the cooped and prisoned victims of the neighbouring poulterer's, their +efforts being aided by the flutterings and impertinent chirruping of +swarms of town-bred sparrows. + +At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's door, and, +depositing his can of shaving-water on his dressing-table, took away his +coat and waistcoat, under pretence of brushing them, but in reality to +feel if he had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr. Jorrocks +threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded upon the floor with a bump that +shook his own and adjoining houses. On this day a few extra minutes were +devoted to his toilet, one or two of which were expended in adjusting a +gold foxhead pin in a conspicuous part of his white tie, and in drawing +on a pair of new dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, made so excessively +tight, that at starting, any of his Newmarket friends would have laid +three to two against his ever getting into them at all. When on, +however, they fully developed the substantial proportions of his +well-rounded limbs, while his large tasselled Hessians showed that the +bootmaker had been instructed to make a pair for a "great calf." A +blue coat, with metal buttons, ample laps, and pockets outside, with a +handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, formed his costume on this occasion. +Breakfast being over, he repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to see his +letters and look after his commercial affairs; in which the reader not +being interested, we will allow the Yorkshireman to figure a little. + +About half-past one this enterprising young man placed himself in Tommy +Sly's wherry at the foot of the Savoy stairs, and not agreeing in +opinion with Mr. Jorrocks that it is of "no use keeping a dog and +barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row himself down to +London Bridge. At the wharf below the bridge there lay a magnificent +steamer, painted pea-green and white, with flags flying from her masts, +and the deck swarming with smart bonnets and bodices. Her name was the +_Royal Adelaide_, from which the sagacious reader will infer that this +excursion was made during the late reign. The Yorkshireman and Tommy +Sly having wormed their way among the boats, were at length brought up +within one of the vessels, and after lying on their oars a few seconds, +they were attracted by, "Now, sir, are you going to sleep there?" +addressed to a rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and on +looking up on deck what a sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's astonished +vision!--Mr. Jorrocks, with his coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or +turban, with a broad gold band and tassel, on his head, hoisting a +great hamper out of the wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, +and treating the laughter and jeers of the porters and bystanders with +ineffable contempt. At length he placed the load to his liking, and +putting on his coat, adjusted his hunting telescope, and advanced to the +side, as the Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder and came upon deck. +"Werry near being over late," said he, pulling out his watch, just at +which moment the last bell rang, and a few strokes of the paddles sent +the vessel away from the quay. "A miss is as good as a mile," replied +the Yorkshireman; "but pray what have you got in the hamper?" + +"In the 'amper! Why, wittles to be sure. You seem to forget we are going +a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, +half a ham, beef, sarsingers, chickens, sherry white, and all that sort +of thing, and werry acceptable they'll be by the time we get to the +Nore, or may be before." + +"Ease her! Stop her!" cried the captain through his trumpet, just as +the vessel was getting into her stride in mid-stream, and, with true +curiosity, the passengers flocked to the side, to see who was coming, +though they could not possibly have examined half they had on board. +Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behindhand in inquisitiveness, and +proceeded to adjust his telescope. A wherry was seen rowing among the +craft, containing the boatman, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, +with a bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. "By jingo, +here's Jemmy Green!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, taking his telescope from +his eye, and giving his thigh a hearty slap. "How unkimmon lucky! The +werry man of all others I should most like to see. You know James Green, +don't you?" addressing the Yorkshireman--"young James Green, junior, +of Tooley Street--everybody knows him--most agreeable young man in +Christendom--fine warbler--beautiful dancer--everything that a young man +should be." + +"How are you James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing him by the hand as his +friend stepped upon deck; but whether it was the nervousness occasioned +by the rocking of the wherry, or the shaking of the step-ladder up the +side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's new turban cap, but Mr. Green, +with an old-maidish reserve, drew back from the proffered embrace of his +friend. "You have the adwantage of me, sir," said he, fidgeting back +as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks with unmeasured surprise--"Yet +stay--if I'm not deceived it's Mr. Jorrocks--so it is!" and thereupon +they joined hands most cordially, amid exclamations of, "'Ow are you, +J----?" '"Ow are you, G----?" "'Ow are you, J----?" "So glad to see you, +J----" "So glad to see you, G----" "So glad to see you, J----" "And pray +what may you have in your basket?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting his +hand to the bottom of a neat little green-and-white willow woman's +basket, apparently for the purpose of ascertaining its weight. "Only my +clothes, and a little prowision for the woyage. A baked pigeon, some +cold maccaroni, and a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom are my +Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor in t'other; then comes +the prog, and at the top, I've a dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. +I abominates travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the use of +carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers always prowide them, without +extra charge? The same with regard to soap. Shave, I say, with what you +find in your tray. A wet towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a +pen-knife both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll present +your friend to me," added he in the same breath, with a glance at the +Yorkshireman, upon whose arm Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope +hand. "Much pleasure," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity. +"Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Stubbs: now +pray shake hands," added he, "for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each +other"; and thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronising manner, extended +his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman, who presented him with one in +return. For the information of such of our readers as may never have +seen Mr. James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley Street, Southwark, +where the patronymic name abounds, or at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he +generally exhibits on a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that though a +little man in stature, he is a great man in mind and a great swell in +costume. On the present occasion, as already stated, he had on a woolly +white hat, his usual pea-green coat, with a fine, false, four-frilled +front to his shirt, embroidered, plaited, and puckered, like a lady's +habit-shirt. Down the front were three or four different sorts of studs, +and a butterfly brooch, made of various coloured glasses, sat in +the centre. His cravat was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, +confining gills sharp and pointed that looked up his nostrils; his +double-breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan with blue glass +post-boy buttons; and his trousers, which were very wide and cut out +over the foot of rusty-black chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a +broad blue stripe upon a white ground. A curly, bushy, sandy-coloured +wig protruded from the sides of his woolly white hat, and shaded a +vacant countenance, which formed the frontispiece of a great chuckle +head. Sky-blue gloves and a stout cane, with large tassels, completed +the rigging of this borough dandy. Altogether he was as fine as any +peacock, and as vain as the proudest. + +"And 'ow is Mrs. J----?" inquired Green with the utmost affability--"I +hopes she's uncommon well--pray, is she of your party?" looking round. +"Why, no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "she's off at Tooting at her mother's, +and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five-pound at Margate this +delightful weather. 'Ow long do you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday +morning--I goes every Saturday; in fact," added he in an undertone, +"I've a season ticket, so I may just as well use it, as stay poking in +Tooley Street with the old folks, who really are so uncommon glumpy, +that it's quite refreshing to get away from them." + +"That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of his benevolent looks. +"But 'ow comes it, James, you are not married? You are not a bouy now, +and should be looking out for a home of your own." "True, my dear +J----, true," replied Mr. Green; "and I'll tell you wot, our principal +book-keeper and I have made many calculations on the subject, and being +a man of literature like yourself, he gave it as his opinion the last +time we talked the matter over, that it would only be avoiding Silly and +running into Crab-beds; which I presume means Quod or the Bench. Unless +he can have a wife 'made to order,' he says he'll never wed. Besides, +the women are such a bothersome encroaching set. I declare I'm so +pestered with them that I don't know vich vay to turn. They are always +tormenting of me. Only last week one sent me a specification of what +she'd marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to more than I +have to find myself in clothes, ball-and concert-tickets, keep an 'oss, +go to theatres, buy lozenges, letter-paper, and everything else with. +There were bumbazeens, and challies, and merinos, and crape, and gauze, +and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, shoes, boots, rigids, stays, +ringlets; and, would you believe it, she had the unspeakable audacity to +include a bustle! It was the most monstrous specification and proposal +I ever read, and I returned it by the twopenny post, axing her if she +hadn't forgotten to include a set of false teeth. Still, I confess, I'm +tired of Tooley Street. I feel that I have a soul above hemp, and was +intended for a brighter sphere; but vot can one do, cooped up at home +without men of henergy for companions? No prospect of improvement +either; for I left our old gentleman alarmingly well just now, pulling +about the flax and tow, as though his dinner depended upon his +exertions. I think if the women would let me alone, I might have some +chance, but it worries a man of sensibility and refinement to have them +always tormenting of one.--I've no objection to be led, but, dash my +buttons, I von't be driven." "Certainly not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with +great gravity, jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. "It's an old +saying, James, and times proves it true, that you may take an 'oss to +the water but you carn't make him drink--and talking of 'osses, pray, +how are you off in that line?" "Oh, werry well--uncommon, I may say--a +thoroughbred, bang tail down to the hocks, by Phantom, out of Baron +Munchausen's dam--gave a hatful of money for him at Tatts'.--five +fives--a deal of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I assure +you--bright bay with four black legs, and never a white hair upon him. +He's touched in the vind, but that's nothing--I'm not a fox-hunter, you +know, Mr. Jorrocks; besides, I find the music he makes werry useful in +the streets, as a warning to the old happle women to get out of the way. +Pray, sir," turning to the Yorkshireman with a jerk, "do you dance?"--as +the boat band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long horn, and +a short horn, struck up a quadrille,--and, without waiting for a reply, +our hero sidled past, and glided among the crowd that covered the deck. + +"A fine young man, James," observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing Jemmy as he +elbowed his way down the boat--"fine young man--wants a little of his +father's ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young shoulders. +He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr. Jorrocks, putting his arm through +the Yorkshireman's, "let's go and see him foot it." Having worked their +way down, they at length got near the dancers, and mounting a ballast +box had a fine view of the quadrille. There were eight or ten couple at +work, and Jemmy had chosen a fat, dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright +orange-coloured muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, and +green boots--a sort of walking sunflower, with whom he was pointing his +toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting with great energy and agility. +His male _vis-ą-vis_ was a waistcoatless young Daniel Lambert, in white +ducks, and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his mouth, who with a +damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and fro in humble imitation. "Green +for ever!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving +it encouragingly over his head: "Green for ever! Go it Green!" and, +accordingly, Green went it with redoubled vigour. "Wiggins for ever!" +responded a female voice opposite, "I say, Wiggins!" which was followed +by a loud clapping of hands, as the fat gentleman made an astonishing +step. Each had his admiring applauders, though Wiggins "had the call" +among the ladies--the opposition voice that put him in nomination +proceeding from the mother of his partner, who, like her daughter, was a +sort of walking pattern book. The spirit of emulation lasted throughout +the quadrille, after which, sunflower in hand, Green traversed the deck +to receive the compliments of the company. + +"You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks, with great politeness +to the lady, "after all your exertions," as the latter stood mopping +herself with a coarse linen handkerchief--"pray, James, bring your +partner to our 'amper, and let me offer her some refreshment," which was +one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, the sea breeze having +made Mr. Jorrocks what he called "unkimmon peckish." The hamper was +speedily opened, the knuckle of veal, the half ham, the aitch bone of +beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury Lane), the chickens, and +some dozen or two of plovers' eggs were exhibited, while Green, with +disinterested generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold maccaroni to +the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily commenced, and was kept +up, with occasional interruptions by Green running away to dance, until +they hove in sight of Herne Bay, which caused an interruption to a +very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks was in the act of +delivering, which went to prove that port and sherry were the parents of +all wines, port the father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas, +hock, Burgundy, claret, Teneriffe, Madeira, were made by the addition +of water, vinegar, and a few chemical ingredients, and that of all +"humbugs," pale sherry was the greatest, being neither more nor less +than brown sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to work to pack up the +leavings in the hamper, observing as he proceeded, that wilful waste +brought woeful want, and that "waste not, want not," had ever been the +motto of the Jorrocks family. + +It was nearly eight o'clock ere the _Royal Adelaide_ touched the point +of the far-famed Margate Jetty, a fact that was announced as well by the +usual bump, and scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band +striking up _God save the King_, and the mate demanding the tickets of +the passengers. The sun had just dropped beneath the horizon, and the +gas-lights of the town had been considerately lighted to show him to +bed, for the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light. + +Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having arrived before, the whole +place was in commotion, and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious +to watch this last disembarkation as they had been to see the first. By +a salutary regulation of the sages who watch over the interests of the +town, "all manner of persons," are prohibited from walking upon the +jetty during this ceremony, but the platform of which it is composed +being very low, those who stand on the beach outside the rails, are just +about on a right level to shoot their impudence cleverly into the ears +of the new-comers who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, +laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of wit and satire +upon them as they pass. "There's leetle Jemmy Green again!" exclaimed a +nursery-maid with two fat, ruddy children in her arms, "he's a beauty +without paint!" "Hallo, Jorrocks, my hearty! lend us your hand," cried a +brother member of the Surrey Hunt. Then there was a pointing of fingers +and cries of "That's Jorrocks! that's Green!" "That's Green! that's +Jorrocks!" and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of "There's +Simpkins! how pretty he is!" "But there's Wiggins, who's much nicer." +"My eye, what a cauliflower hat Mrs. Thompson's got!" "What a buck young +Snooks is!" "What gummy legs that girl in green has!" "Miss Trotter's +bustle's on crooked!" from the young ladies at Miss Trimmer's seminary +who were drawn up to show the numerical strength of the academy, and act +the part of walking advertisements. These observations were speedily +drowned by the lusty lungs of a flyman bellowing out, as Green passed, +"Hallo! my young brockley-sprout, are you here again?--now then for +the tizzy you owe me,--I have been waiting here for it ever since last +Monday morning." This salute produced an irate look and a shake of his +cane from Green, with a mutter of something about "imperance," and a +wish that he had his big fighting foreman there to thrash him. When they +got to the gate at the end, the tide of fashion became obstructed by the +kissings of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and sons, the +officiousness of porters, the cries of flymen, the importunities of +innkeepers, the cards of bathing-women, the salutations of donkey +drivers, the programmes of librarians, and the rush and push of the +inquisitive; and the waters of "comers" and "stayers" mingled in one +common flood of indescribable confusion. + +Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his way with persevering +resignation, here found himself so beset with friends all anxious to +wring his digits, that, fearful of losing either his bed or his +friends, he besought Green to step on to the "White Hart" and see about +accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his fingers through the bushy +sides of his yellow wig, jerked up his gills, and with a _négligé_ air +strutted up to that inn, which, as all frequenters of Margate know, +stands near the landing-place, and commands a fine view of the harbour. +Mr. Creed, the landlord, was airing himself at the door, or, as +Shakespeare has it, "taking his ease at his inn," and knowing Green of +old to be a most unprofitable customer, he did not trouble to move +his position farther than just to draw up one leg so as not wholly to +obstruct the passage, and looked at him as much as to say "I prefer your +room to your company." "Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating +Green's question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling up his +gills--"that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks has come down with myself and +a friend, and we want accommodation." "Mr. Jorrocks, indeed!" replied +Mr. Creed, altering his tone and manner; "I'm sure I shall be delighted +to receive Mr. Jorrocks--he's one of the oldest customers I have--and +one of the best--none of your 'glass of water and toothpick' +gentleman--real downright, black-strap man, likes it hot and strong from +the wood--always pays like a gentleman--never fights about three-pences, +like some people I know," looking at Jemmy. "Pray, what rooms may you +require?" "Vy, there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. Jorrocks's other +friend--three in all, and we shall want three good, hairy bedrooms." +"Well, I don't know," replied Mr. Creed, laughing, "about their +hairiness, but I can rub them with bear's grease for you." Jemmy pulled +up his gills and was about to reply, when Mr. Jorrocks's appearance +interrupted the dialogue. Mr. Creed advanced to receive him, blowing up +his porters for not having been down to carry up the hamper, which he +took himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protestations of his +delight at seeing his worthy visitor. + +Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those that were there, +those that were not, and those that were coming, and adverted to the +important topic of supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white +spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian boots, while Mr. +Creed, with his own hands, rubbed him over with a long billiard-table +brush. Green, too, put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, +and these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied forth +arm-in-arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. It was a fine, balmy +summer evening, the beetles and moths still buzzed and flickered in +the air, and the sea rippled against the shingly shore, with a low +indistinct murmur that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of men. The +shades of night were drawing on--a slight mist hung about the hills, and +a silvery moon shed a broad brilliant ray upon the quivering waters "of +the dark blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse of the +troubled town. How strange that man should leave the quiet scenes of +nature, to mix in myriads of those they profess to quit cities to avoid! +One turn to the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew back the +party like moths to the streets, which were literally swarming with +the population. "Cheapside, at three o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. +Jorrocks observed, was never fuller than Margate streets that evening. +All was lighted up--all brilliant and all gay--care seemed banished +from every countenance, and pretty faces and smart gowns reigned in its +stead. Mr. Jorrocks met with friends and acquaintances at every turn, +most of whom asked "when he came?" and "when he was going away?" Having +perambulated the streets, the sound of music attracted Jemmy Green's +attention, and our party turned into a long, crowded and brilliantly +lighted bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel-organ at the far end +faded away, and a young woman in a hat and feathers, with a swan's-down +muff and tippet, was handed by a very smart young man in dirty white +Berlin gloves, and an equally soiled white waistcoat, into a sort of +orchestra above where, after the plaudits of the company had subsided, +she struck-up: + + "If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go." + +At the conclusion of the song, and before the company had time to +disperse, the same smart young gentleman,--having rehanded the young +lady from the orchestra and pocketed his gloves,--ran his fingers +through his hair, and announced from that eminence, that the spirited +proprietors of the Bazaar were then going to offer for public +competition in the enterprising shape of a raffle, in tickets, at one +shilling each, a most magnificently genteel, rosewood, general perfume +box fitted up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, adorned with +cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, massive, silver name-plate +at the top, with a best patent Bramah lock and six chaste and +beautifully rich cut-glass bottles, and a plate-glass mirror at the +top--a box so splendidly perfect, so beautifully unique, as alike +to defy the powers of praise and the critiques of the envious; and +thereupon he produced a flashy sort of thing that might be worth three +and sixpence, for which he modestly required ten subscribers, at a +shilling each, adding, "that even with that number the proprietors would +incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but a boundless sense of +gratitude for favours past could possibly recompense them." The youth's +eloquence and the glitter of the box reflecting, as it did at every +turn, the gas-lights both in its steel and glass, had the desired +effect--shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, until +only three remained. "Four, five, and ten, are the only numbers now +remaining," observed the youth, running his eye up the list and wetting +his pencil in his mouth. "Four, five and ten! ten, four, five! five, +four, ten! are the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel and +magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red velvet, cut-steel +clasps, a silver plate for the name, best patent Bramah lock, and six +beautiful rich cut-glass bottles, with a plate glass mirror in the +lid--and only four, five, and ten now vacant!" "I'll take ten," said +Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you, sir--only four and five now +wanting, ladies and gentlemen--pray, be in time--pray, be in time! This +is without exception the most brilliant prize ever offered for public +competition. There were only two of these werry elegant boxes made,--the +unfortunate mechanic who executed them being carried off by that +terrible malady, the cholera morbus,--and the other is now in the +possession of his most Christian Majesty the King of the French. Only +four and five wanting to commence throwing for this really perfect +specimen of human ingenuity--only four and five!" "I'll take them," +cried Green, throwing down two shillings more--and then the table was +cleared--the dice box produced, and the crowd drew round. "Number +one!--who holds number one?" inquired the keeper, arranging the paper, +and sucking the end of his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket +and white trousers owned the lot, and, accordingly, led off the game. +The lottery-keeper handed the box, and put in the dice--rattle, rattle, +rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up--"seven and four are +eleven"--"now again, if you please, sir," putting the dice into the +box--rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and +lift up--a loud laugh--"one and two make three"--the youth bit his +lips;--rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop--a +pause--and lift up--"threes!"--"six, three, and eleven, are twenty." +"Now who holds number two?--what lady or gentleman holds number two? +Pray, step forward!" The Sunflower drew near--Green looked confused--she +fixed her eye upon him, half in fear, half in entreaty--would he offer +to throw for her? No, by Jove, Green was not so green as all that came +to, and he let her shake herself. She threw twenty-two, thereby putting +an extinguisher on the boy, and raising Jemmy's chance considerably. +"Three" was held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would +throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough to be heard at +Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and, beginning to cry immediately, was +taken home. Green was next, and all eyes turned upon him, for he was a +noted hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, and, turning +back the wrists of his coat, exhibited his beautiful sparkling paste +shirt buttons, and the elegant turn of his taper hand, the middle finger +of which was covered with massive rings. He took the box in a _négligé_ +manner, and without condescending to shake it, slid the dice out upon +the table by a gentle sideway motion--"sixes!" cried all, and down the +marker put twelve. At the second throw, he adopted another mode. As soon +as the dice were in, he just chucked them up in the air like as many +halfpence, and down they came five and six--"eleven," said the marker. +With a look of triumph Green held the box for the third time, which he +just turned upside down, and lo, on uncovering, there stood two--"ones!" +A loud laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm so glad!" +whispered a young lady, who had made an unsuccessful "set" at Jemmy the +previous season, in a tone loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll +lose," rejoined a female friend, rather louder. "That Jemmy Green is my +absolute abhorrence," observed a third. "'Orrible man, with his nasty +vig," observed the mamma of the first speaker--"shouldn't have my darter +not at no price." Green, however, headed the poll, having beat the +Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. For number five, he threw +twenty-five, and was immediately outstripped, amid much laughter and +clapping of hands from the ladies, by number six, who in his turn fell +a prey to number seven. Between eight and nine there was a very +interesting contest who should be lowest, and hopes and fears were at +their altitude, when Jemmy Green again turned back his coat-wrist to +throw for number ten. His confidence had forsaken him a little, as +indicated by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but he managed to +conceal it from all except the ladies, who kept too scrutinising an +eye upon him. His first throw brought sixes, which raised his spirits +amazingly; but on their appearance a second time, he could scarcely +contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits of his friend Mr. +Jorrocks. Then came the deciding throw--every eye was fixed on Jemmy, he +shook the box, turned it down, and lo! there came seven. + +"Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this magnificent prize!" +exclaimed the youth, holding up the box in mid-air, and thereupon all +the ladies crowded round Green, some to congratulate him, others to +compliment him on his looks, while one or two of the least knowing tried +to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, however, was too old a stager, and +pocketed the box and other compliments at the same time. + +Another grind of the organ, and another song followed from the same +young lady, during which operation Green sent for the manager, and, +after a little beating about the bush, proposed singing a song or +two, if he would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three +shilling-tickets for each song, and finally closed for five tickets +for two songs, on the understanding that he was to be announced as a +distinguished amateur, who had come forward by most particular desire. + +Accordingly the manager--a roundabout, red-faced, consequential little +cockney--mounted the rostrum, and begged to announce to the company +that that "celebrated wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known as a +distinguished amateur and conwivialist, both at Bagnigge Wells, and Vite +Conduit House, LONDON, had werry kindly consented, in order to promote +the hilarity of the evening, to favour the company with a song +immediately after the drawing of the next lottery," and after a few +high-flown compliments, which elicited a laugh from those who were up +to Jemmy's mode of doing business, he concluded by offering a +_papier-maché_ tea-caddy for public competition, in shilling lots as +before. + +As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the organ a grind, and Jemmy +popped up with a hop, step, and a jump, with his woolly white hat under +his arm, and presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the company. +After a few preparatory "hems and haws," he pulled up his gills and +spoke as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen! hem"--another pull at his +gills--"ladies and gentlemen--my walued friend, Mr. Kitey Graves, has +announced that I will entertain the company with a song; though nothing, +I assure you--hem--could be farther from my idea--hem--when my excellent +friend asked me,"--"Hookey Walker!" exclaimed someone who had heard +Jemmy declare the same thing half a dozen times--"and, indeed, ladies +and gentlemen--hem--nothing but the werry great regard I have for Mr. +Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since he was the height of +sixpennorth of coppers" a loud laugh followed this allusion, seeing that +eighteenpenny-worth would almost measure out the speaker. On giving +another "hem," and again pulling up his gills, an old Kentish farmer, in +a brown coat and mahogany-coloured tops, holloaed out, "I say, sir! I'm +afear'd you'll be catching cold!" "I 'opes not," replied Jemmy in a +fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella, and my werry best coat on!" +"No! raining, no!" replied the farmer, "only you've pulled at your shirt +so long that I think you must be bare behind! Haw! haw! haw!" at which +all the males roared with laughter, and the females hid their faces in +their handkerchiefs, and tittered and giggled, and tried to be shocked. +"ORDER! ORDER!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud and sonorous voice, which +had the effect of quelling the riot and drawing all eyes upon himself. +"Ladies and gentlemen," said he, taking off his cap with great gravity, +and extending his right arm, + + Immodest words admit of no defence, + For want of decency is want of sense; + +a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have the immediate +effect of restoring order and making the farmer look foolish. Encouraged +by the voice of his great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his +speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the surprise by which +he had been taken by the request of his friend, Kitey Graves, and an +exhortation for the company to make allowance for any deficiency of +"woice," inasmuch as how as labouring under "a wiolent 'orseness," for +which he had long been taking pectoral lozenges. He then gave his gills +another pull, felt if they were even, and struck up: + + "Bid me discourse," + +in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock would be perfect +melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken a conspicuous position, applauded +long, loudly, and warmly, at every pause--approbation the more deserved +and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy gentleman suffers considerably +from music, and only knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "is _God +save the King_, and the other isn't." + +Having seen his protégé fairly under way, Mr. Jorrocks gave him a hint +that he would return to the "White Hart," and have supper ready by the +time he was done; accordingly the Yorkshireman and he withdrew along an +avenue politely formed by the separation of the company, who applauded +as they passed. + +An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest draft port, with +the orthodox proportion of lemon, cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had +almost boiled itself to perfection under the skilful superintendence of +Mr. Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been handsomely +decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled bones, fried ham, poached +eggs, when just as the clock had finished striking eleven, the +coffee-room door opened with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green with his +hands crammed full of packages, and his trousers' pockets sticking out +like a Dutch burgomaster's. "Vell, I've done 'em brown to-night, I +think," said he, depositing his hat and half a dozen packages on the +sideboard, and running his fingers through his curls to make them stand +up. "I've won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn when I came away, +because it did not seem likely to fill. Let me see," said he, emptying +his pockets,--"there is the beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you +was there; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I von also; the +third was a jockey-vip, which I did not want and only stood one ticket +for and lost; the fourth was this elegant box, with a view of Margate on +the lid; then came these six sherry labels with silver rims; a snuff-box +with an inwisible mouse; a coral rattle with silver bells; a silk +yard measure in a walnut-shell; a couple of West India beetles; a +humming-bird in a glass case, which I lost; and then these dozen bodkins +with silver eyes--so that altogether I have made a pretty good night's +work of it. Kitey Graves wasn't in great force, so after I had sung _Bid +me Discourse_, and _I'd be a Butterfly_, I cut my stick and went to the +hopposition shop, where they used me much more genteelly; giving me +three tickets for a song, and introducing me in more flattering terms to +the company--don't like being considered one of the nasty 'reglars,' and +they should make a point of explaining that one isn't. Besides, what +business had Kitey to say anything about Bagnigge Vells? a hass!--Now, +perhaps, you'll favour me with some supper." + +"Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy approvingly on the +head--"you deserve some. It's only no song, no supper, and you've +been singing like a nightingale;" thereupon they set to with vigorous +determination. + +A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early hour was crowded with +men in dressing-gowns of every shape, hue, and material, with buff +slippers--the "regulation Margate shoeing," both for men and women. As +the hour of eleven approached, and the church bells began to ring, the +town seemed to awaken suddenly from a trance, and bonnets the most +superb, and dresses the most extravagant, poured forth from lodgings +the most miserable. Having shaved and dressed himself with more than +ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks walked his friends off to +church, assuring them that no one need hope to prosper throughout the +week who did not attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own devotion +throughout the service by drowning the clerk's voice with his responses. +After this spiritual ablution Mr. Jorrocks bethought himself of having a +bodily one in the sea; and the day being excessively hot, and the tide +about the proper mark, he pocketed a couple of towels out of his bedroom +and went away to bathe, leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to amuse +themselves at the "White Hart." + +This house, as we have already stated, faces the harbour, and is a +corner one, running a considerable way up the next street, with a side +door communicating, as well as the front one, with the coffee-room. +This room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inasmuch as the +windows range the whole length of the room, and being very low they +afford every facility for the children and passers-by to inspect the +interior. Whether this is done to show the Turkey carpet, the pea-green +cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, the gay trellised +geranium-papered room, or the aristocratic visitors who frequent it, is +immaterial--the description is as accurate as if George Robins had drawn +it himself. In this room then, as the Yorkshireman and Green were lying +dozing on three chairs apiece, each having fallen asleep to avoid the +trouble of talking to the other, they were suddenly roused by loud yells +and hootings at the side door, and the bursting into the coffee-room of +what at first brush they thought must be a bull. The Yorkshireman jumped +up, rubbed his eyes, and lo! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, puffing like +a stranded grampus, with a bunch of sea-weed under his arm and the +dress in which he had started, with the exception of the dark blue +stocking-net pantaloons, the place of which were supplied by a flowing +white linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four corners of which +were knotted a few small pebbles--producing, with the Hessian boots and +one thing and another, the most laughable figure imaginable. The blood +of the Jorrockses was up, however, and throwing his hands in the air, he +thus delivered himself. "Oh gentlemen! gentlemen!--here's a lamentable +occurrence--a terrible disaster--oh dear! oh dear!--I never thought I +should come to this. You know, James Green," appealing to Jemmy, "that +I never was the man to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty; I have +always said that 'want of decency is want of sense,' and see how I +am rewarded! Oh dear! oh dear! that I should ever have trusted my +pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, which was the work of a +moment, was going forward, the mob, which had been shut out at the side +door on Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room window, +and were all wedging their faces in to have a sight of him. It was +principally composed of children, who kept up the most discordant yells, +mingled with shouts of "there's old cutty shirt!"--"who's got your +breeches, old cock?"--"make a scramble!"--"turn him out for another +hunt!"--"turn him again!"--until, fearing for the respectability of his +house, the landlord persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to +state his grievances. It then appeared that having travelled along the +coast, as far as the first preventive stationhouse on the Ramsgate side +of Margate, the grocer had thought it a convenient place for performing +his intended ablutions, and, accordingly, proceeded to do what all +people of either sex agree upon in such cases--namely to divest himself +of his garments; but before he completed the ceremony, observing some +females on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man "to raise +a blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced to the water's edge in his +aforesaid unmentionables, and forgetting that it was not yet high tide, +he left them there, when they were speedily covered, and the pockets +being full of silver and copper, of course they were "swamped." After +dabbling about in the water and amusing himself with picking up sea-weed +for about ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on returning to the +spot where he thought he had left his stocking-net pantaloons, to find +that they had disappeared; and after a long fruitless search, the +unfortunate gentleman was compelled to abandon the pursuit, and render +himself an object of chase to all the little boys and girls who chose to +follow him into Margate on his return without them. + +Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about his loss, and could +not get over it--it stuck in his gizzard, he said--and there it seemed +likely to remain. In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers--he +never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan of a pair of white +cords and top-boots, or even drab shorts and continuations. Mr. Creed +was no sportsman, and did not keep any. The bellman could not cry the +lost unmentionables because it was Sunday, and even if they should be +found on the ebbing of the tide, they would take no end of time to dry. +Mr. Jorrocks declared his pleasure at an end, and forthwith began making +inquiries as to the best mode of getting home. The coaches were all +gone, steamboats there were none, save for every place but London, and +posting, he said, was "cruelly expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, +"Boots," who is always the most intelligent man about an inn, popped in +his curly head, and informed Mr. Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most +commodious vessel, neat, trim, and water-tight, manned by his own +maternal uncle, was going to cut away to London at three o'clock, and +would land him before he could say "Jack Robinson." Mr. Jorrocks jumped +at the offer, and forthwith attiring himself in a pair of Mr. Creed's +loose inexpressibles, over which he drew his Hessian boots, he tucked +the hamper containing the knuckle of veal and other etceteras under one +arm, and the bunch of sea-weed he had been busy collecting, instead of +watching his clothes, under the other, and, followed by his friends, +made direct for the vessel. + +Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy is--it is a large +sailing-boat, sometimes with one deck, sometimes with none; and the +Unity, trading in bulky goods, was of the latter description, though +there was a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the master dignified +by the name of a "state cabin," into which he purposed putting Mr. +Jorrocks, if the weather should turn cold before they arrived. The wind, +however, he said, was so favourable, and his cargo--"timber and fruit," +as he described it, that is to say, broomsticks and potatoes--so light, +that he warranted landing him at Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, +where he could either sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to +Leadenhall Street. The vessel looked anything but tempting, neither was +the captain's appearance prepossessing, still Mr. Jorrocks, all things +considered, thought he would chance it; and depositing his hamper and +sea-weed, and giving special instructions about having his pantaloons +cried in the morning--recounting that besides the silver, and +eighteen-pence in copper, there was a steel pencil-case with "J.J." +on the seal at the top, an anonymous letter, and two keys--he took an +affectionate leave of his friends, and stepped on board, the vessel was +shoved off and stood out to sea. + +Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts betimes, to take +their farewell splash and dive in the sea. As the day advanced, the +bustle and confusion on the shore and in the town increased, and +everyone seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits to the +bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted the last ounce of +exertion from the exhausted leg-weary donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of +the creation strutted about, some in dressing-gowns, others, "full +puff," with bags and boxes under their arms--while sturdy porters were +wheeling barrows full of luggage to the jetty. The bell-man went round +dressed in a blue and red cloak, with a gold hatband. Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong, went the bell, and the gaping cockneys +congregated around. He commenced--"To be sould in the market-place a +quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The _Royal +Adelaide_, fast and splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave +the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers +at London Bridge Steam-packet Wharf--fore cabin fares and children four +shillings--saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The +superb and splendid steam-packet, the _Magnet_, will leave the pier this +morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers at the St. +Catherine Docks--fore-cabin fares and children four shillings--saloon +five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost at the back of +James Street--a lady's black silk--black lace wale--whoever has found +the same, and will bring it to the cryer, shall receive one shilling +reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost, last night, between the +jetty and the York Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot, +whoever has found the same, and will bring him to the cryer, shall +receive a reward of half-a-crown." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: +"Lost, stolen, or strayed, or otherwise conveyed, a brown-and-white King +Charles's setter as answers to the name of Jacob Jones. Whoever has +found the same, or will give such information as shall lead to the +detection and conversion of the offender or offenders shall be +handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost below the +prewentive sarvice station by a gentleman of great respectability--a +pair of blue knit pantaloons, containing eighteen penny-worth of +copper--a steel pencil-case--a werry anonymous letter, and two keys. +Whoever will bring the same to the cryer shall receive a reward.--_God +save the King!"_ + +Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a concourse appeared! There +were fat and lean, and short and tall, and middling, going away, and fat +and lean, and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them off; +Green, as usual, making himself conspicuous, and canvassing everyone he +could lay hold of for the _Magnet_ steamer. At the end of the jetty, on +each side, lay the _Royal Adelaide_ and the _Magnet_, with as fierce a +contest for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both decks were crowded +with anxious faces--for the Monday's steamboat race is as great an event +as a Derby, and a cockney would as lieve lay on an outside horse as +patronise a boat that was likely to let another pass her. Nay, so +high is the enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly made on the +occasion, and there is as much clamour for bets as in the ring at +Epsom or Newmarket. "Tomkins, I'll lay you a dinner--for three--_Royal +Adelaide_ against the _Magnet_," bawled Jenkins from the former boat. +"Done," cries Tomkins. "The _Magnet_ for a bottle of port," bawled out +another. "A whitebait dinner for two, the _Magnet_ reaches Greenwich +first." "What should you know about the _Magnet_?" inquires the mate +of the _Royal Adelaide_. "Vy, I think I should know something about +nauticals too, for Lord St. Wincent was my godfather." "I'll bet five +shillings on the _Royal Adelaide."_ "I'll take you," says another. "I'll +bet a bottom of brandy on the _Magnet_," roars out the mate. "Two goes +of Hollands', the _Magnet's_ off Herne Bay before the _Royal Adelaide."_ +"I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five shillings, the _Magnet_ +beats the _Royal Adelaide_," bellowed out Green, who having come on +board, had mounted the paddle-box. "I say, Green, I'll lay you an even +five if you like." "Well, five pounds," cries Green. "No, shillings," +says his friend. "Never bet in shillings," replies Green, pulling up his +shirt collar. "I'll bet fifty pounds," he adds,-getting valiant. "I'll +bet a hundred ponds--a thousand pounds--a million pounds--half the +National Debt, if you like." + +Precisely as the jetty clock finishes striking nine, the ropes are +slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to sea with beautiful +precision, amid the crying, the kissing of hands, the raising of hats, +the waving of handkerchiefs, from those who are left for the week, while +the passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the respective bands on +board. The _Magnet_, having the outside, gets the breeze first hand, but +the _Royal Adelaide_ keeps well alongside, and both firemen being deeply +interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous gallop, without +either being able to claim the slightest advantage for upwards of an +hour and a half, when the _Royal Adelaide_ manages to shoot ahead for +a few minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. The +_Magnet's_ fireman, however, is on the alert, and a few extra pokes of +the fire presently bring the boats together again, in which state they +continue, nose and nose, until the stiller water of the side of the +Thames favours the _Magnet_, and she shoots ahead amid the cheers and +vociferations of her party, and is not neared again during the voyage. + +This excitement over, the respective crews sink into a sort of +melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain endeavours to kick up a +quadrille. The men were exhausted and the women dispirited, and +altogether they were a very different set of beings to what they were +on the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white ducks were the order of the +day. + +The only incident of the voyage was, that on approaching the mouth +of the Medway, the _Royal Adelaide_ was hailed by a vessel, and the +Yorkshireman, on looking overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. Jorrocks +sitting in the stern of his hoy in the identical position he had taken +up the previous day, with his bunch of sea-weed under his elbow, and the +remains of the knuckle of veal, ham, and chicken, spread on the hamper +before him. "Stop her?" cried the Yorkshireman, and then hailing Mr. +Jorrocks he holloaed out, "In the name of the prophet, Figs, what are +you doing there?" "Oh, gentlemen! gentlemen!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, +brightening up as he recognised the boat, "take compassion on a most +misfortunate indiwidual--here have I been in this 'orrid 'oy, ever since +three o'clock yesterday afternoon and here I seem likely to end my +days--for blow me tight if I couldn't swim as fast as it goes." "Look +sharp, then," cried the mate of the steamer, "and chuck us up your +luggage." Up went the sea-weed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks; and before +the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into which he had composed himself on +resigning the rudder to his lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a +mile before his vessel, bilking him of his fare. + +Who does not recognise in this last disaster, the truth of the old +adage? + + "Most haste, least speed." + + + +VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH. + +"Jorrocks's France, in three wolumes, would sound werry well," observed +our worthy citizen, one afternoon, to his confidential companion the +Yorkshireman, as they sat in the veranda in Coram Street, eating red +currants and sipping cold whiskey punch; "and I thinks I could make +something of it. They tells me that at the 'west end' the booksellers +will give forty pounds for anything that will run into three wolumes, +and one might soon pick up as much matter as would stretch into that +quantity." + +The above observation was introduced in a long conversation between Mr. +Jorrocks and his friend, relative to an indignity that had been offered +him by the rejection by the editor of a sporting periodical of a long +treatise on eels, which, independently of the singularity of diction, +had become so attenuated in the handling, as to have every appearance of +filling three whole numbers of the work; and Mr. Jorrocks had determined +to avenge the insult by turning author on his own account. The +Yorkshireman, ever ready for amusement, cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks +in his views, and a bargain was soon struck between them, the main +stipulations of which were, that Mr. Jorrocks should find cash, and the +Yorkshireman should procure information. + +Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock Dover heavy drew up +at the "Bricklayers' Arms," with Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the +Yorkshireman imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly--soldiers, +sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, and footmen--that compose +the cargo of these coaches. Here they were assailed with the usual +persecution from the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred +merchants, proclaiming the virtues of their wares; one with black-lead +pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation to "cut 'em and try 'em"; +another with a good pocket-knife, "twelve blades and saw, sir"; a third, +with a tame squirrel and a piping bullfinch, that could whistle _God +save the King_ and the _White Cockade_--to be given for an old coat. +"Buy a silver guard-chain for your vatch, sir!" cried a dark eyed +urchin, mounting the fore-wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. +Jorrocks's face; "buy pocket-book, memorandum-book!" whined another. +"Keepsake--Forget-me-not--all the last year's annuals at half-price!" +"Sponge cheap, sponge! take a piece, sir--take a piece." "Patent leather +straps." "Barcelona nuts. Slippers. _Morning Hurl (Herald)._ Rhubarb. +'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap!--do to fasten your wife up with!" + +"Stand clear, ye warmints!" cries the coachman, elbowing his way among +them--and, remounting the box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. +Jorrocks's hands, cries "All right behind? sit tight!" and off they go. + +The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light and gay. The coach, +though slow, was clean and smart, the harness bright and well-polished, +while the sleek brown horses poked their heads about at ease, without +the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, like his vehicle, was +heavy, and had he been set on all fours, a party of six might have eat +off his back. Thus they proceeded at a good steady substantial sort of +pace; trotting on level ground, walking up hills, and dragging down +inclines. Nor among the whole party was there a murmur of discontent at +the pace. Most of the passengers seemed careless which way they went, so +long as they did but move, and they rolled through the Garden of England +with the most stoical indifference. We know not whether it has ever +struck the reader, but the travellers by Dover coaches are less captious +about pace than those on most others. + +And now let us fancy our friends up, and down, Shooter's Hill, through +Dartford, Northfleet, and Gravesend--at which latter place, the first +foreign symptom appears, in words, "Poste aux Chevaux," on the door-post +of the inn; and let us imagine them bowling down Rochester Hill at a +somewhat amended pace, with the old castle, by the river Medway, the +towns of Chatham, Strood and Rochester full before them, and the finely +wooded country extending round in pleasing variety of hill and dale. +As they reach the foot of the hill, the guard commences a solo on his +bugle, to give notice to the innkeeper to have the coach dinner on the +table. All huddled together, inside and out, long passengers and short +ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along the narrow street, +sparking the mud from the newly-watered streets on the shop windows and +passengers on each side, and pull up at the "Pig and Crossbow," with a +jerk and a dash as though they had been travelling at the rate of +twelve miles an hour. Two other coaches are "dining," while some few +passengers, whose "hour is not yet come," sit patiently on the roof, or +pace up and down the street with short and hurried turns, anxious to see +the horses brought out that are to forward them on their journey. And +what a commotion this new arrival creates! From the arched doorway of +the inn issue two chamber-maids, one in curls the other in a cap; Boots, +with both curls and a cap, and a ladder in his hand; a knock-kneed +waiter, with a dirty duster, to count noses, while the neat landlady, +in a spruce black silk gown and clean white apron, stands smirking, +smiling, and rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling the passengers +into the house, where she will turn them over to the waiters to take +their chance the instant she gets them in. About the door the usual +idlers are assembled.--A coachman out of place, a beggar out at the +elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three recruits with ribbons in their +hats; a captain with his boots cut for corns, the coachman that is to +drive to Dover, a youth in a straw hat and a rowing shirt, the little +inquisitive old man of the place--who sees all the midday coaches change +horses, speculates on the passengers and sees who the parcels are +for--and, though last but not least, Mr. Bangup, the "varmint" man, the +height of whose ambition is to be taken for a coachman. As the coach +pulled up, he was in the bar taking a glass of cold sherry "without" +and a cigar, which latter he brings out lighted in his mouth, with his +shaved white hat stuck knowingly on one side, and the thumbs of his +brown hands thrust into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, throwing back +his single breasted fancy buttoned green coat, and showing a cream +coloured cravat, fastened with a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with a +buff waistcoat and tight drab trousers buttoning over the boot, complete +his "toggery," as he would call it. His whiskers are large and riotous +in the extreme, while his hair is clipped as close as a charity +schoolboy's. The coachman and he are on the best of terms, as the +outward twist of their elbows and jerks of the head on meeting testify. +His conversation is short and slangy, accompanied with the correct nasal +twang. After standing and blowing a few puffs, during which time the +passengers have all alighted, and the coachman has got through the thick +of his business, he takes the cigar out of his mouth, and, spitting on +the flags, addresses his friend with, "Y've got the old near-side leader +back from Joe, I see." "Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his friend, "but +I had some work first--our gov'rnor was all for the change--at last, +says I to our 'osskeeper, says I, it arn't no use your harnessing that +'ere roan for me any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not to +no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out of my team not by +none on them, therefore it arn't to never no use harnessing of him again +for me." "So you did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup. "Lord bless ye, yes! it +warn't to no use aggravising about it, for says I, I von't stand it, so +it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of him again for me." "Come, +Smith, what are you chaffing there about?" inquires the landlord, coming +out with the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, "have you two insides?" +"No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's precious empty, haw! haw! haw!" +"Well, but now get Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry +the passengers away from my grub, and may be I'll give you your dinner +for your trouble," replies the landlord, reckoning he would save both +his meat and his horses by the experiment. "Ay, there goes the dinner!" +added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was heard inside the "Pig and +Crossbow," giving a most tremendous roar for his food.--"Pork at the +top, and pork at the bottom," the host observes to the waiter in +passing, "and mind, put the joints before the women--they are slow +carvers." + +While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our travellers had been +driven through the passage into a little, dark, dingy room at the back +of the house, with a dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a +whitewashed blank wall. The table, which was covered with a thrice-used +cloth, was set out with lumps of bread, knives, and two and three +pronged forks laid alternately. Altogether it was anything but inviting, +but coach passengers are very complacent; and on the Dover road it +matters little if they are not. The bustle of preparation was soon over. +Coats No. 1, No. 2, and No. 3, are taken off in succession, for some +people wear top-coats to keep out the "heat"; chins are released from +their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and fur caps thrust +into pockets of the owners. Inside passengers eye outside ones with +suspicion, while a deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the +coach, meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven years, +and can only shake hands and grin to the movements of the lips of the +speaker. "You find it very warm inside, I should think, sir?" "Thank +ye, thank ye, my good friend; I'm rayther deaf, but I presume you're +inquiring after my wife and daughters--they are very well, I thank ye." +"Where will you sit at dinner?" rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a +more successful hit. "It is two years since I saw him." "No; where +will you sit, sir? I said." "Oh, John? I beg your pardon--I'm rayther +deaf--he's in Jamaica with his regiment." "Come, waiter, BRING DINNER!" +roared Mr. Jorrocks, at the top of his voice, being the identical shout +that was heard outside, and presently the two dishes of pork, a couple +of ducks, and a lump of half-raw, sadly mangled, cold roast beef, with +waxy potatoes and overgrown cabbages, were scattered along the table. +"What a beastly dinner!" exclaims an inside dandy, in a sable-collared +frock-coat--"the whole place reeks with onions and vulgarity. Waiter, +bring me a silver fork!" "Allow me to duck you, ma'am?" inquires an +outside passenger, in a facetious tone, of a female in a green silk +cloak, as he turns the duck over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, but I've +some pork coming." "Will you take some of this thingumbob?" turning a +questionable-looking pig's countenance over in its pewter bed. "You are +in considerable danger, my friend--you are in considerable danger," +drawls forth the superfine insider to an outsider opposite. "How's +that?" inquires the former in alarm. "Why, you are eating with your +knife, and you are in considerable danger of cutting your mouth".--What +is the matter at the far end of the table?--a lady in russet brown, with +a black velvet bonnet and a feather, in convulsions. "She's choking by +Jove! hit her on the back--gently, gently--she's swallowed a fish-bone." +"I'll lay five to two she dies," cries Mr. Bolus, the sporting doctor of +Sittingbourne. She coughs--up comes a couple of tooth-picks, she having +drunk off a green glass of them in mistake. + +"Now hark'e, waiter! there's the guard blowing his horn, and we have +scarcely had a bite apiece," cries Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary +sounded his instrument most energetically in the passage; "blow me +tight, if I stir before the full half-hour's up, so he may blow till +he's black in the face." "Take some cheese, sir?" inquires the waiter. +"No, surely not, some more pork, and then some tarts". "Sorry, sir, +we have no tarts we can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good." [Enter +coachman, peeled down to a more moderate-sized man.] + +"Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." "With all my heart, my good +friend." "Please to remember the coachman--driv ye thirty miles." "Yes, +but you'll recollect how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-box +there's sixpence between us for you." "Oh, sur! I'm sure I didn't mean +no unpurliteness. I 'opes you'll forget it; it was werry aggravising, +certainly, but driv ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle more, +thirty miles." "No, no, no more; so be off." "Please to remember the +coachman, ma'am, thirty miles!" "Leaves ye here, sir, if you please; +goes no further, sir; thirty miles, ma'am; all the vay from Lunnun, +sir." + +A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder of the gathering to +be made in dumb show, and having exhausted his wind, the guard squeezed +through the door, and, with an extremely red face, assured the company +that "time was hup" and the "coach quite ready." Then out came the +purses, brown, green, and blue, with the usual inquiry, "What's dinner, +waiter?" "Two and six, dinner, beer, three,--two and nine yours," +replied the knock-kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing +a blue-and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three and six, +ma'am;--two glasses of brandy-and-water, four shillings, if you please +sir--a bottle of real Devonshire cider."--"You must change me a +sovereign," handing one out. "Certainly, sir," upon which the waiter, +giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of the room. "Now, +gentlemen and ladies! pray, come, time's hup--carn't wait--must +go"--roars the guard, as the passengers shuffle themselves into their +coats, cloaks, and cravats, and Joe "Boots" runs up the passage with the +ladder for the lady. "Now, my dear Mrs. Sprat, good-bye.--God bless you, +and remember me most kindly to your husband and dear little ones --and +pray, write soon," says an elderly lady, as she hugs and kisses a +youngish one at the door, who has been staying with her for a week, +during which time they have quarrelled regularly every night. "Have you +all your things, dearest? three boxes, five parcels, an umbrella, a +parasol, the cage for Tommy's canary, and the bundle in the red silk +handkerchief--then good-bye, my beloved, step up--and now, Mr. Guard, +you know where to set her down." "Good-bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, all +right, thank you," replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping up the ladder, and +adjusting herself in the gammon board opposite the guard, the seat the +last comer generally gets.--"But stay! I've forgot my reticule--it's on +the drawers in the bedroom--stop, coachman! I say, guard!" "Carn't wait, +ma'am--time's hup"--and just at this moment a two-horse coach is +heard stealing up the street, upon which the coachman calls to the +horse-keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, and take care no one +pays them twice over," gives a whistling hiss to his leaders, the double +thong to his wheelers, and starts off at a trot, muttering something +about, "cuss'd pair-'oss coach,--convict-looking passengers," observing +confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, as he turned the angle of the street, +"that he would rather be hung off a long stage, than die a natural death +on a short one," while the guard drowns the voices of the lady who has +left her reticule, and of the gentleman who has got no change for his +sovereign, in a hearty puff of: + + Rule Britannia,--Britannia rule the waves. + Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves! + +Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after feeding, our +party rolled steadily along, with occasional gibes at those they met or +passed, such as telling waggoners their linch-pins were out; carters' +mates, there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road; making urchins +follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings and mock parcels; or +simple equestrians dismount in a jiffy on telling them their horses' +shoes were not all on "before." [19] Towards the decline of the day, +Dover heights appeared in view, with the stately castle guarding the +Channel, which seen through the clear atmosphere of an autumnal evening, +with the French coast conspicuous in the distance, had more the +appearance of a wide river than a branch of the sea. + +[Footnote 19: This is more of a hunting-field joke than a road one. "Have +I all my shoes on?" "They are not all on before."] + +The coachman mended his pace a little, as he bowled along the gentle +descents or rounded the base of some lofty hill, and pulling up at +Lydden took a glass of soda-water and brandy, while four strapping +greys, with highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and hollyhocks +at their heads, were put to, to trot the last few miles into Dover. +Paying-time being near, the guard began to do the amiable--hoped Mrs. +Sprat had ridden comfortable; and the coachman turned to the gentleman +whose sovereign was left behind to assure him he would bring his change +the next day, and was much comforted by the assurance that he was on his +way to Italy for the winter. As the coach approached Charlton Gate, the +guard flourished his bugle and again struck up _Rule Britannia_, which +lasted the whole breadth of the market-place, and length of Snargate +Street, drawing from Mr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet +remained, and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic moth-impaler, to +suspend the examination of the bowels of a watch, as they rattled past +his window. + +At the door of the "Ship Hotel" the canary-coloured coach of Mr. Wright, +the landlord, with four piebald horses, was in waiting for him to take +his evening drive, and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat tiger in +a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed behind to convey +her a few miles on the London road. Of course the equipages of such +important personages could not be expected to move for a common +stage-coach, consequently it pulled up a few yards from the door. It is +melancholy to think that so much spirit should have gone unrewarded, +or in other words, that Mr. Wright should have gone wrong in his +affairs.--Mrs. Ramsbottom said she never understood the meaning of the +term, "The Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," until she went to +Rochester. Many people, we doubt not, retain a lively recollection of +the "bill of Wright's of Dover." But to our travellers. + +"Now, sir! this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be the coachman, and +we goes no further," observed the amphibious-looking coachman, in a +pea-jacket and top-boots, to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on +the box, as if he expected, that because they booked people "through +to Paris," at the coach office in London, that the vehicle crossed the +Channel and conveyed them on the other side. At this intimation, Mr. +Jorrocks clambered down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and +captains of vessels soliciting his custom. "_Bonjour,_ me Lor'," said +a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white jersey shirt, +taking off a red nightcap with mock politeness, "you shall be cross." +"What's that about?" inquires Mr. Jorrocks--"cross! what does the chap +mean?" "Ten shillin', just, me Lor'," replied the man. "Cross for ten +shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, "vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he +hasn't picked my pocket." "I--you--vill," said the sailor slowly, using +his fingers to enforce his meaning, "take to France," pointing south, +"for ten shillin' in my _bateau_, me Lor," continued the sailor, with +a grin of satisfaction as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to comprehend +him. "Ah! I twig--you'll take me across the water." said our citizen +chuckling at the idea of understanding French and being called a +Lord--"for ten shillings--half-sovereign in fact." "Don't go with him, +sir," interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; "he's got nothing but a +lousy lugger that will be all to-morrow in getting over, if it ever gets +at all; and the _Royal George_, superb steamer, sails with a King's +Messenger and dispatches for all the foreign courts at half-past ten, +and must be across by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take a +card for the _Brocklebank_--quickest steamer out of Dover--wind's made +expressly to suit her, and she can beat the _Royal George_ like winking. +Passengers never sick in the most uproarious weather," cried another +tout, running the corner of his card into Mr. Jorrocks's eye to engage +his attention. Then came the captain of the French mail-packet, who was +dressed much like a new policeman, with an embroidered collar to his +coat, and a broad red band round a forage cap which he raised with +great politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's patronage of his +high-pressure engine, "vich had beat a balloon, and vod take him for +half less than noting." A crowd collected, in the centre of which stood +Mr. Jorrocks perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his carpet-bag +under his arm. "Gentlemen," said he, extending his right hand, "you +seem to me to be desperately civil--your purliteness appears to know no +bounds--but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that whoever will carry +me across the herring pond cheapest shall have my custom, so now +begin and bid downwards." "Nine shillings," said an Englishman +directly--"eight" replied a Frenchman--"seven and sixpence"--"seven +shillings"--"six and sixpence"--"six shillings"--"five and sixpence"; at +last it came down to five shillings, at which there were two bidders, +the French captain and the tout of the _Royal George_,--and Mr. +Jorrocks, like a true born Briton, promised his patronage to the latter, +at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their shoulders, and burst out +a-laughing, one calling him, "my Lor' Ros-bif," and the other "Monsieur +God-dem," as they walked off in search of other victims. + +None but the natives of Dover can tell what the weather is, unless the +wind comes directly off the sea, and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks +proceeded to embark after breakfast the next morning, that he +ascertained there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the heights kept +the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers were simmering into action on +the London-hotel side of the harbour, in one of which--the _Royal +George_--two britzkas and a barouche were lashed ready for sea, while +the custom-house porters were trundling barrows full of luggage +under the personal superintendence of a little shock-headed French +commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a gold-laced cap, and the other +gentry of the same profession from the different inns. As the _Royal +George_ lay nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on board +without troubling himself to risk his shins among the steps of a ladder +that was considerately thrust into the place of embarkation; and as soon +as he set foot upon deck, of course he was besieged by the usual myriad +of land sharks. First came Monsieur the Commissionnaire with his book, +out of which he enumerated two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags, for +each of which he made a specific charge leaving his own gratuity +optional with his employer; then came Mr. Boots to ask for something for +showing them the way; after him the porter of the inn for carrying their +cloaks and great-coats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to, most +philosophically, but when the interpreter of the deaf and dumb ladder +man demanded something for the use of the ladder, his indignation got +the better of him and he exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all on +deck, "Surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he has not enjoyed!" + +A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic--they look at the +medicine and wish it well over, and look at the sea and wish themselves +well over. Everything looked bright and gay at Dover--the cliffs seemed +whiter than ever--the sailors had on clean trousers, and the few people +that appeared in the streets were dressed in their Sunday best. The +cart-horses were seen feeding leisurely on the hills, and there was a +placid calmness about everything on shore, which the travellers would +fain have had extended to the sea. They came slowly and solemnly upon +deck, muffled up in cloaks and coats, some with their passage money in +their hands, and took their places apparently with the full expectation +of being sick. + +The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of animation, in the shape +of a few vigorous puffs from the boiler, which were responded to by the +_Royal George_, whose rope was slipped without the usual tinkle of the +bell, and she shot out to sea, closely followed by the Frenchman, who +was succeeded by the other English boat. Three or four tremendous long +protracted dives, each followed by a majestic rise on the bosom of the +waves, denoted the crossing of the bar; and just as the creaking of the +cordage, the flapping of the sails, and the nervous quivering of the +paddles, as they lost their hold of the water, were in full vigour, the +mate crossed the deck with a large white basin in his hand, the sight of +which turned the stomachs of half the passengers. Who shall describe the +misery that ensued? The groans and moans of the sufferers, increasing +every minute, as the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, +while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick passengers caught the green +countenance and fixed eye of some prostrate sufferer and were overcome +themselves. + +Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a most substantial +breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and +fried ham, held out as long as anybody--indeed, at one time the odds +were that he would not be sick at all; and he kept walking up and down +deck like a true British tar. In one of his turns he was observed to +make a full stop.--Immediately before the boiler his eye caught a +cadaverous-looking countenance that rose between the top of a blue +camlet cloak, and the bottom of a green travelling-cap, with a large +patent-leather peak; he was certain that he knew it, and, somehow or +other, he thought, not favourably. The passenger was in that happy mood +just debating whether he should hold out against sickness any longer, +or resign himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. Jorrocks's eye +encountered his, and the meeting did not appear to contribute to his +happiness. Mr. Jorrocks paused and looked at him steadily for some +seconds, during which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over his +memory. "Sergeant Bumptious, by gum!" exclaimed he, giving his thigh +a hearty slap, as the deeply indented pock-marks on the learned +gentleman's face betrayed his identity. "Sergeant," said he, going up to +him, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye--may be in the course of your practice +at Croydon you've heard that there are more times than one to catch a +thief." "Who are you?" inquired the sergeant with a growl, just at which +moment the boat gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by a donation +to the fishes. "Who am I?" replied Mr. Jorrocks, as soon as he was done, +"I'll soon tell ye that--I'm Mr. JORROCKS! Jorrocks wersus Cheatum, in +fact--now that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be 'appy to +fight ye either by land or sea." "Oh-h-h-h!" groaned the sergeant at the +mention of the latter word, and thereupon he put his head over the boat +and paid his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood eyeing him, and +when the sergeant recovered, he observed with apparent mildness and +compassion, "Now, my dear sergeant, to show ye that I can return good +for evil, allow me to fatch you a nice 'ot mutton chop!" "Oh-h-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant, as though he would die. "Or perhaps you'd prefer +a cut of boiled beef with yellow fat, and a dab of cabbage?" an +alternative which was too powerful for the worthy citizen himself--for, +like Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a picture that his own +imagination could not sustain--and, in attempting to reach the side +of the boat, he cascaded over the sergeant, and they rolled over each +other, senseless and helpless upon deck. + +"Mew, mew," screamed the seagulls;--"creak, creak," went the +cordage;--"flop, flop," went the sails; round went the white basins, and +the steward with the mop; and few passengers would have cared to have +gone overboard, when, at the end of three hours' misery, the captain +proclaimed that they were running into still water off Boulogne. This +intimation was followed by the collection of the passage money by the +mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the steward, under the noses of +the party, for perquisites for the crew. Jorrocks and the sergeant +lay together like babes in the wood until they were roused by this +operation, when, with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. Jorrocks got +up; and though he had an idea in his own mind that a man had better live +abroad all his life than encounter such misery as he had undergone, for +the purpose of returning to England, he recollected his intended work +upon France, and began to make his observations upon the town of +Boulogne, towards which the vessel was rapidly steaming. "Not half so +fine as Margate," said he; "the houses seem all afraid of the sea, and +turn their ends to it instead of fronting it, except yon great white +place, which I suppose is the baths"; and, taking his hunting telescope +out of his pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make an +observation. "How the people are swarming down to see us!" he exclaimed. +"I see such a load of petticoats--glad Mrs. J---- ain't with us; may +have some fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women! wot ankles! beat +the English, hollow--would give something to be a single man!" While he +made these remarks, the boat ran up the harbour in good style, to the +evident gratification of the multitude who lined the pier from end to +end, and followed her in her passage. "Ease her! stop her!" at last +cried the captain, as she got opposite a low wooden guard-house, midway +down the port. A few strokes of the paddles sent her up to the quay, +some ropes were run from each end of the guard-house down to the boat, +within which space no one was admitted except about a dozen soldiers or +custom-house officers--in green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf +"caps," and having swords by their sides--and some thick-legged +fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings, to lower the ladder for +disembarkation. The idlers, that is to say, all the inhabitants of +Boulogne, range themselves outside the ropes on foot, horseback, in +carriages, or anyhow, to take the chance of seeing someone they know, +to laugh at the melancholy looks of those who have been sick, and to +criticise the company, who are turned into the guarded space like a +flock of sheep before them. + +Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself a hearty and +congratulatory shake on again finding himself on terra firma, and +sticking his hat jauntily on one side, as though he didn't know what +sea-sickness was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators on one +side of the ropes; when presently he was heard to exclaim, "My vig, +there's Thompson! He owes us a hundred pounds, and has been doing +these three years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine looking young +fellow--with mustachios, in a hussar foraging cap stuck on one side of +his head, dressed in a black velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a +jeweller's shop about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings and +buttons--who had brought a good-looking bay horse to bear with his chest +against the cords. "Thompson," said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of +voice, "how are you?" "How do ye do, Mister Jorrocks," drawled out the +latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing a cloud of smoke over +the grocer's head. "Well, I'm werry well, but I should like to have a +few moments' conversation with you." "Would ye?" said Thompson, blowing +another cloud. "Yes, I would; you remember that 'ere little bill you got +Simpkins to discount for you one day when I was absent; we have had it +by us a long time now, and it is about time you were taking it up." "You +think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks; can't you renew it? I'll give you a +draft on Aldgate pump for the amount." "Come, none of your funning with +me, I've had enough of your nonsense: give me my pewter, or I'll have +that horse from under you; for though it has got the hair rubbed off +its near knee, it will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey +occasionally." "You old fool," said Thompson, "you forget where you are; +if I could pay you your little bill, do you suppose I would be here? You +can't squeeze blood out of a turnip, can ye? But I'll tell you what, my +covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, you shall give me the +satisfaction of a gentleman, if you don't take care what you are about, +you old tinker. By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow +morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight through your carcass +if you utter another syllable about the bill. Why, now, you stare as +Balaam did at his ass, when he found it capable of holding an argument +with him!" + +And true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfounded at this sort of reply from a +creditor, it not being at all in accordance with the _Lex mercatoria_, +or law of merchants, and quite unknown on 'Change. Before, however, he +had time to recover his surprise, all the passengers having entered the +roped area, one of the green-coated gentry gave him a polite twist +by the coat-tail, and with a wave of the hand and bend of his body, +beckoned him to proceed with the crowd into the guard-house. After +passing an outer room, they entered the bureau by a door in the middle +of a wooden partition, where two men were sitting with pens ready to +enter the names of the arrivers in ledgers. + +"Votre nom et designation?" said one of them to Mr. Jorrocks--who, with +a bad start, had managed to squeeze in first--to which Mr. Jorrocks +shook his head. "Sare, what's your name, sare?" inquired the same +personage. "JORROCKS," was the answer, delivered with great emphasis, +and thereupon the secretary wrote "Shorrock." "--Monsieur Shorrock," +said he, looking up, "votre profession, Monsieur? Vot you are, sare?" "A +grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter from those behind +who meant to sink the shop. "Marchand-Epicier," wrote the bureau-keeper. +"Quel age avez-vous, Monsieur? How old you are, sare?" "Two pound +twelve," replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his inquisitiveness. "No, +sare, not vot monnay you have, sare, hot old you are, sare." "Well, two +pound twelve, fifty-two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, +to take his chance among the touts and commissionaires of the +various hotels, who are enough to pull passengers to pieces in their +solicitations for custom. In Boulogne, however, no man with money is +ever short of friends; and Thompson having given the hint to two +or three acquaintances as he rode up street, there were no end of +broken-down sportsmen, levanters, and gentlemen who live on the interest +of what they owe other people, waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The +greetings on their parts were most cordial and enthusiastic, and even +some who were in his books did not hesitate to hail him; the majority of +the party, however, was composed of those with whom he had at various +tunes and places enjoyed the sports of the field, but whom he had never +missed until they met at Boulogne. + +Their inquiries were business-like and familiar:--"are ye, Jorrocks?" +cried one, holding out both hands. "How are ye, my lad of wax? Do you +still play billiards?--Give you nine, and play you for a Nap." "Come +to my house this evening, old boy, and take a hand at whist for old +acquaintance sake," urged the friend on his left; "got some rare +cogniac, and a box of beautiful Havannahs." "No, Jorrocks,--dine with +me," said a third, "and play chicken-hazard." "Don't," said a fourth, +confidentially, "he'll fleece ye like fun". "Let me put your name +down to our Pigeon Club; only a guinea entrance and a guinea +subscription--nothing to a rich man like you." "Have you any coin to +lend on unexceptionable personal security, with a power of killing and +selling your man if he don't pay?" inquired another. "Are they going +to abolish the law of arrest? 'twould be very convenient if they did." +"Will you discount me a bill at three months?" "Is B---- out of the +Bench yet?" "Who do they call Nodding Homer in your hunt?" "Oh, +gentlemen, gentlemen!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, "go it gently, go it gently! +Consider the day is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want of +food. I've come all the way from Angle-tear, as we say in France, and +lost my breakfast on the wogaye. Where is there an inn where I can +recruit my famished frame? What's this?" looking up at a sign, "'Done a +boar in a manger,' what does this mean?--where's my French dictionary? +I've heard that boar is very good to eat." "Yes, but this boar is to +drink," said a friend on the right; "but you must not put up at a house +of that sort; come to the Hōtel d'Orleans, where all the best fellows +and men of consequence go, a celebrated house in the days of the +Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the time, Mr. Jorrocks! we lived like +fighting-cocks then; you should have been among us, such a rollicking +set of dogs! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink claret all +night, and take an occasional by-day with the hounds on a Sunday. Can't +do that with the Surrey, I guess. There's the Hōtel d'Orleans," pointing +to it as they turned the corner of the street; "splendid house it is. +I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose so; but the sun of +its greatness is fast setting--there's no such shaking of elbows as +there used to be--the IOU system knocked that up. Still, you'll be very +comfortable; a bit of carpet by your bedside, curtains to your windows, +a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel every third day, and as many +friends to dine with you as ever you like--no want of company in +Boulogne, I assure you. Here, Mr. W----," addressing the innkeeper who +appeared at the door, "this is the very celebrated Mr. Jorrocks, of whom +we have all heard so much,--take him and use him as you would your own +son; and, hark ye (aside), don't forget I brought him." + +"Garsoon," said Jorrocks, after having composed himself a little during +which time he was also composing a French speech from his dictionary +and Madame de Genlis's[20] _Manuel du Voyageur_, "A che hora [ora] si +pranza?" looking at the waiter, who seemed astonished. "Oh, stop!" said +he, looking again, "that's Italian--I've got hold of the wrong column. +A quelle heure dine--hang me if I know how to call this chap--dine +[spelling it], t'on?" "What were you wishing to say, sir?" inquired the +waiter, interrupting his display of the language. "Wot, do you speak +English?" asked Jorrocks in amazement. "I hope so, sir," replied the +man, "for I'm an Englishman." "Then, why the devil did you not say so, +you great lout, instead of putting me into a sweat this 'ot day +by speaking French to you?" "Beg pardon, sir, thought you were a +Frenchman." "Did you, indeed?" said Jorrocks, delighted; "then, by Jove, +I do speak French! Somehow or other I thought I could, as I came over. +Bring me a thundering beef-steak, and a pint of stout, directly!" The +Hōtel d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and plum-pudding sort of +house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily had an immense stripe of tough beef and +boiled potatoes placed before him, in the well-windowed _salle ą +manger_, and the day being fine he regaled himself at a table at an open +window, whereby he saw the smart passers-by, and let them view him in +return. + +[Footnote 20: For the benefit of our "tarry-at-home" readers, we should +premise that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the convenience of +travellers who do not speak any language but their own; and it consists +of dialogues on different necessary subjects, with French and Italian +translations opposite the English.] + +Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals the best town in +smartness. The shops are better set out, the women are better dressed, +and there is a holiday brightness and air of pleasure on every +countenance. Then instead of seeing a sulky husband trudging behind a +pouting wife with a child in her arms, an infallible sign of a Sunday +evening in England, they trip away to the rural _fźte champźtre_, where +with dancing, lemonade, and love, they pass away the night in temperate +if not innocent hilarity. "Happy people! that once a week, at least, +lay down their cares, and dance and sing, and sport away the weights of +grievance, which bow down the spirit of other nations to the earth." + +The voyage, though short, commenced a new era in Mr. Jorrocks's life, +and he entirely forget all about Sunday and Dover dullness the moment he +set foot on sprightly France, and he no more recollected it was Sunday, +than if such a day had ceased to exist in the calendar. Having bolted +his steak, he gave his Hessians their usual flop with his handkerchief, +combed his whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth, +dictionary in hand, to translate the signs, admire the clever little +children talking French, quiz the horses, and laugh at everything +he didn't understand; to spend his first afternoon, in short, as +nine-tenths of the English who go "abroad" are in the habit of doing. + +Early the next morning. Mr. Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman, accompanied +by the commissionnaire of the Hōtel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper +town, for the purpose of obtaining passports, and as they ascended the +steep street called La grand Rue, which connects the two towns, they +held a consultation as to what the former should be described. A +"Marchand-Epicier" would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no respect, but, then, he +objected to the word "Rentier." "What is the French for fox-'unter?" +said he, after a thoughtful pause, turning to his dictionary. There was +no such word. "Sportsman, then? Ay, Chasseur! how would that read? John +Jorrocks, Esq., Chasseur,--not bad, I think," said he. "That will do," +replied the Yorkshireman, "but you must sink the Esquire now, and +tack 'Monsieur' before your name, and a very pretty euphonious sound +'Monsieur Jorrocks' will have; and when you hear some of the little +Parisian grisettes lisp it out as you turn the garters over on their +counters, while they turn their dark flashing eyes over upon you, it +will be enough to rejuvenate your old frame. But suppose we add to +'Chasseur'--'Member of the Surrey Hunt?'" "By all means," replied +Mr. Jorrocks, delighted at the idea, and ascending the stairs of the +Consulate three steps at a time. + +The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance sitting in state, with +a gendarme at the door and his secretary at his elbow. "_Bonjour,_ +Monsieur," said he, bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty +folding door; to which our traveller replied, "The top of the morning to +you, sir," thinking something of that sort would be right. The Consul, +having scanned him through his green spectacles, drew a large sheet of +thin printed paper from his portfolio, with the arms of France placed +under a great petticoat at the top, and proceeded to fill up a request +from his most Christian Majesty to all the authorities, both civil and +military, of France, and also of all the allied "pays," "de laisser +librement passer" Monsieur John Jorrocks, Chasseur and member of the +Hont de Surrey, and plusieurs other Honts; and also, Monsieur Stubbs, +native of Angleterre, going from Boulogne to Paris, and to give them aid +and protection, "en cas de besoin," all of which Mr. Jorrocks --like +many travellers before him--construed into a most flattering compliment +and mark of respect, from his most Christian Majesty to himself. + +Under the word "signalement" in the margin, the Consul also drew the +following sketch of our hero, in order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that +the King of the Mouncheers might know him when he saw him: + + "Age de 52 ans + Taille d'un mčtre 62 centimetres + Perruque brun + Front large + Yeux gris-sanguin + Nez moyen + Barbe grisātre + Vizage ronde + Teint rouge." + +He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his signature, who, observing +the words "Signature du Porteur" at the bottom, passed it on to the +porter of the inn, until put right by the Consul, who, on receiving his +fee, bowed him out with great politeness. + +Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the horses and carts that +he had seen stirring about the streets, his amazement knew no bounds +when the first Paris diligence came rolling into town with six +horses, spreading over the streets as they swung about in all +directions--covered with bells, sheep-skins, worsted balls, and foxes' +brushes, driven by one solitary postilion on the off wheeler. "My vig," +cried he, "here's Wombwell's wild-beast show! What the deuce are they +doing in France? I've not heard of them since last Bartlemy-fair, when I +took my brother Joe's children to see them feed. But stop--this is full +of men! My eyes, so it is! It's what young Dutch Sam would call a male +coach, because there are no females about it. Well, I declare, I am +almost sorry I did not bring Mrs. J----. Wot would they think to see +such a concern in Cheapside? Why, it holds half a township--a perfect +willage on wheels. My eyes, wot a curiosity! Well, I never thought to +live to see such a sight as this!--wish it was going our way that I +might have a ride in it. Hope ours will be as big." Shortly after theirs +did arrive, and Mr. Jorrocks was like a perfect child with delight. It +was not a male coach, however, for in the different compartments were +five or six ladies. "Oh, wot elegant creatures," cried he, eyeing them; +"I could ride to Jerusalem with them without being tired; wot a thing it +is to be a bachelor!" + +The Conducteur--with the usual frogged, tagged, embroidered jacket, and +fur-bound cap--having hoisted their luggage on high, the passengers who +had turned out of their respective compartments to stretch their legs +after their cramping from Calais, proceeded to resume their places. +There were only two seats vacant in the interior, or, as Mr. Jorrocks +called it, the "middle house," consequently the Yorkshireman and he +crossed legs. The other four passengers had corner-seats, things much +coveted by French travellers. On Mr. Stubbs's right sat an immense +Englishman, enveloped in a dark blue camlet cloak, fastened with bronze +lionhead clasps, a red neckcloth, and a shabby, napless, broad-brimmed, +brown hat. His face was large, round, and red, without an atom of +expression, and his little pig eyes twinkled over a sort of a mark that +denoted where his nose should have been; in short, his head was more +like a barber's wig block than anything else, and his outline would have +formed a model of the dome of St. Paul's. On the Yorkshireman's left +was a chattering young red-trousered dragoon, in a frock-coat and flat +foraging cap with a flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was more fortunate than +his friend, and rubbed sides with two women; one was English, either +an upper nursery-maid or an under governess, but who might be safely +trusted to travel by herself. She was dressed in a black beaver bonnet +lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen pelisse with a blue ribbon, and +pea-green boots, and she carried a sort of small fish-basket on her +knee, with a "plain Christian's prayer book" on the top. The other was +French, approaching to middle age, with a nice smart plump figure, good +hazel-coloured eyes, a beautiful foot and ankle, and very well dressed. +Indeed, her dress very materially reduced the appearance of her age, +and she was what the milliners would call remarkably well "got up." Her +bonnet was a pink satin, with a white blonde ruche surmounted by a rich +blonde veil, with a white rose placed elegantly on one side, and her +glossy auburn hair pressed down the sides of a milk-white forehead, in +the Madonna style.--Her pelisse was of "violet-des-bois" figured silk, +worn with a black velvet pelerine and a handsomely embroidered collar. +Her boots were of a colour to match the pelisse; and a massive gold +chain round her neck, and a solitary pearl ring on a middle finger, were +all the jewellery she displayed. Mr. Jorrocks caught a glimpse of her +foot and ankle as she mounted the steps to resume her place in the +diligence, and pushing the Yorkshireman aside, he bundled in directly +after her, and took up the place we have described. + +The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous roll enchanted the +heart of the grocer. Independently of the novelty, he was in a humour to +be pleased, and everything with him was _couleur de rose_. Not so the +Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who lounged in the corner, muffled +up in his cloak, muttering and cursing at every jolt of the diligence, +as it bumped across the gutters and jolted along the streets of +Boulogne. At length having got off the pavement, after crushing along at +a trot through the soft road that immediately succeeds, they reached the +little hill near Mr. Gooseman's farm, and the horses gradually relaxed +into a walk, when he burst forth with a tremendous oath, swearing that +he had "travelled three hundred thousand miles, and never saw horses +walk up such a bit of a bank before." He looked round the diligence in +the expectation of someone joining him, but no one deigned a reply, so, +with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he again threw himself into +his corner. The dragoon and the French lady then began narrating the +histories of their lives, as the French people always do, and Mr. +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each other. At length Mr. +Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary and _Madame de Genlis_ out of his +pocket, observed, "I quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we +dine--most important consideration, for I hold it unfair to takes one's +stomach by surprise, and a man should have due notice, that he may tune +his appetite accordingly. I have always thought, that there's as much +dexterity required to bring an appetite to table in the full bloom of +perfection, as there is in training an 'oss to run on a particular +day.--Let me see," added he, turning over the pages of _de Genlis_--"it +will be under the head of eating and drinking, I suppose.--Here it +is--(opens and reads)--'I have a good appetite--I am hungry--I am werry +hungry--I am almost starved'--that won't do--'I have eaten +enough'--that won't do either--'To breakfast'--no.--But here it is, by +Jingo--'Dialogue before dinner'--capital book for us travellers, this +Mrs. de Genlis--(reads) 'Pray, take dinner with us to-day, I shall give +you plain fare.'--That means rough and enough, I suppose," observed Mr. +Jorrocks to the Yorkshireman.--"'What time do we dine to-day? French: +A quelle heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui?--Italian: A che hora (ora) +si prancey (pranza) oggi?'" "Ah, Monsieur, vous parlez Franēais ą +merveille," said the French lady, smiling with the greatest good nature +upon him. "A marble!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "wot does that mean?" +preparing to look it out in the dictionary. "Ah, Monsieur, I shall you +explain--you speak French like a natif." "Indeed!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +with a bow, "I feel werry proud of your praise; and your English is +quite delightful.--By Jove," said he to the Yorkshireman, with a most +self-satisfied grin, "you were right in what you told me about the +gals calling me Monsieur.--I declare she's driven right home to my +'art--transfixed me at once, in fact." + +Everyone who has done a little "voyaging," as they call it in France, +knows that a few miles to the south of Samer rises a very steep hill, +across which the route lies, and that diligence travellers are generally +invited to walk up it. A path which strikes off near the foot of the +hill, across the open, cuts off the angle, and--diligences being +anything but what the name would imply,--the passengers, by availing +themselves of the short cut, have ample time for striking up confabs, +and inquiring into the comforts of the occupiers of the various +compartments. Our friends of the "interior" were all busy jabbering +and talking--some with their tongues, others with their hands and +tongues--with the exception of the monster in the cloak, who sat like +a sack in the corner, until the horses, having reached the well-known +breathing place, made a dead halt, and the conducteur proceeded to +invite the party to descend and "promenade" up the hill. "What's +happened now?" cried the monster, jumping up as the door opened; +"surely, they don't expect us to walk up this mountain! I've travelled +three hundred thousand miles, and was never asked to do such a thing in +all my life before. I won't do it; I paid for riding, and ride I will. +You are all a set of infamous cheats," said he to the conducteur in good +plain English; but the conducteur, not understanding the language, +shut the door as soon as all the rest were out, and let him roll on +by himself. Jorrocks stuck to his woman, who had a negro boy in the +rotonde, dressed in baggy slate-coloured trousers, with a green +waistcoat and a blue coat, with a coronet on the button, who came to +hand her out, and was addressed by the heroic name of "Agamemnon." +Jorrocks got a glimpse of the button, but, not understanding foreign +coronets, thought it was a crest; nevertheless, he thought he might as +well inquire who his friend was, so, slinking back as they reached the +foot of the hill he got hold of the nigger, and asked what they called +his missis. Massa did not understand, and Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled +how to explain, again had recourse to the _Manuel du Voyageur_; but +Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an occurrence, and there was +no dialogue adapted to his situation. There was a conversation with a +lacquey, however, commencing with--"Are you disposed to enter into my +service?" and, in the hopes of hitting upon something that would convey +his wishes, he "hark'd forward," and passing by--"Are you married?" +arrived at--"What is your wife's occupation?" "Que fait votre femme?" +said he, suiting the action to the word, and pointing to Madame. +Agamemnon showed his ivories, as he laughed at the idea of Jorrocks +calling his mistress his wife, and by signs and words conveyed to him +some idea of the importance of the personage to whom he alluded. This he +did most completely, for before the diligence came up, Jorrocks pulled +the Yorkshireman aside, and asked if he was aware that they were +travelling with a real live Countess; "Madame la Countess Benwolio, the +nigger informs me," said he; "a werry grande femme, though what that +means I don't know." "Oh, Countesses are common enough here," replied +the Yorkshireman. "I dare say she's a stay-maker. I remember a +paint-maker who had a German Baron for a colour-grinder once." "Oh," +said Jorrocks, "you are jealous--you always try to run down my friends; +but that won't do, I'm wide awake to your tricks"; so saying, he +shuffled off, and getting hold of the Countess, helped Agamemnon to +hoist her into the diligence. He was most insinuating for the next two +hours, and jabbered about love and fox-hunting, admiring the fine, flat, +open country, and the absence of hedges and flints; but as neither youth +nor age can subsist on love alone, his confounded appetite began to +trouble him, and got quite the better of him before they reached +Abbeville. Every mile seemed a league, and he had his head out of the +window at least twenty times before they came in sight of the town. At +length the diligence got its slow length dragged not only to Abbeville, +but to the sign of the "Fidčle Berger"--or "Fiddle Burgur," as Mr. +Jorrocks pronounced it--where they were to dine. The door being opened, +out he jumped, and with his _Manuel du Voyageur_ in one hand, and the +Countess Benvolio in the other, he pushed his way through the crowd of +"pauvres misérables" congregated under the gateway, who exhibited every +species of disease and infirmity that poor human nature is liable or +heir to, and entered the hotel. The "Sally manger," as he called it, was +a long brick-floored room on the basement, with a white stove at one +end, and the walls plentifully decorated with a panoramic view of the +Grand Nation wallopping the Spaniards at the siege of Saragossa. The +diligence being a leetle behind time as usual, the soup was on the table +when they entered. The passengers quickly ranged themselves round, and, +with his mouth watering as the female garēon lifted the cover from the +tureen, Mr. Jorrocks sat in the expectation of seeing the rich contents +ladled into the plates. His countenance fell fifty per cent as the first +spoonful passed before his eyes.--"My vig, why it's water!" exclaimed +he--"water, I do declare, with worms[21] in it--I can't eat such stuff as +that--it's not man's meat--oh dear, oh dear, I fear I've made a terrible +mistake in coming to France! Never saw such stuff as this at Bleaden's +or Birch's, or anywhere in the city." "I've travelled three hundred +thousand miles," said the fat man, sending his plate from him in +disgust, "and never tasted such a mess as this before." "I'll show +them up in _The Times_," cried Mr. Jorrocks; "and, look, what stuff is +here--beef boiled to rags!--well, I never, no never, saw anything like +this before. Oh, I wish I was in Great Coram Street again!--I'm sure +I can't live here--I wonder if I could get a return +chaise--waiter--garsoon--cuss! Oh dear! I see _Madame de Genlis_ is of +no use in a pinch--and yet what a dialogue here is! Oh heavens! grant +your poor Jorrocks but one request, and that is the contents of a single +sentence. 'I want a roasted or boiled leg of mutton, beef, hung beef, +a quarter of mutton, mutton chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue, dried +tongue, hog's pudding, white sausage, meat sausage, chicken with rice, a +nice fat roast fowl, roast chicken with cressy, roast or boiled pigeon, +a fricassee of chicken, sweet-bread, goose, lamb, calf's cheek, calf's +head, fresh pork, salt pork, cold meat, hash.'--But where's the use of +titivating one's appetite with reading of such luxteries? Oh, what a +wife Madame de Genlis would have made for me! Oh dear, oh dear, I shall +die of hunger, I see --I shall die of absolute famine--my stomach thinks +my throat's cut already!" In the height of his distress in came two +turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his countenance shone forth like an +April sun after a shower. "Come, this is better," said he; "I'll trouble +you, sir, for a leg and a wing, and a bit of the breast, for I'm really +famished--oh hang! the fellow's a Frenchman, and I shall lose half the +day in looking it out in my dictionary. Oh dear, oh dear, where's the +dinner dialogue!--well, here's something to that purpose. 'I will +send you a bit of this fowl.' 'A little bit of the fowl cannot hurt +you.'--No, nor a great bit either.--'Which do you like best, leg or +wing?' 'Qu'aimez-vous le mieux, la cuisse ou l'aile?'" Here the Countess +Benvolio, who had been playing a good knife and fork herself, pricked +up her ears, and guessing at Jorrocks's wants, interceded with her +countryman and got him a plateful of fowl. It was soon disposed of, +however, and half a dish of hashed hare or cat, that was placed within +reach of him shortly after, was quickly transferred into his plate. A +French dinner is admirably calculated for leading the appetite on by +easy stages to the grand consummation of satiety. It begins meagrely, as +we have shown, and proceeds gradually through the various gradations of +lights, savories, solids, and substantiate. Presently there was a +large dish of stewed eels put on. "What's that?" asked Jorrocks of the +man.--"Poisson," was the reply. "Poison! why, you infidel, have you no +conscience?" "Fishe," said the Countess. "Oh, ay, I smell--eels--just +like what we have at the Eel-pie-house at Twickenham--your ladyship, I +am thirsty--'ge soif,' in fact." "Ah, bon!" said the Countess, laughing, +and giving him a tumbler of claret. "I've travelled three hundred +thousand miles," said the fat man, "and never saw claret drunk in that +way before." "It's not werry good, I think," said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking +his lips; "if it was not claret I would sooner drink port." Some wild +ducks and fricandeau de veau which followed, were cut up and handed +round, Jorrocks helping himself plentifully to both, as also to pommes +de terre ą la maitre d'hōtel, and bread at discretion. "Faith, but this +is not a bad dinner, after all's said and done, when one gets fairly +into it." "Fear it will be very expensive," observed the fat man. Just +when Jorrocks began to think he had satisfied nature, in came a roast +leg of mutton, a beef-steak, "ą la G--d-dam", [22] and a dish of larks +and snipes. + +[Footnote 21: Macaroni soup.] + +[Footnote 22: When the giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves, +handkerchiefs, gowns, reticules, etc. were "ą la Giraffe," an Englishman +asked a waiter if they had any beef-steaks "ą la Giraffe." "No, +monsieur, but we have them ą la G--d-dem," was the answer.] + +"Must have another tumbler of wine before I can grapple with these +chaps," said he, eyeing them, and looking into Madame de Genlis's +book: "'Garsoon, donnez-moi un verre de vin,'" holding up the book and +pointing to the sentence. He again set to and "went a good one" at both +mutton and snipes, but on pulling up he appeared somewhat exhausted. He +had not got through it all yet, however. Just as he was taking breath, a +_garēon_ entered with some custards and an enormous omelette soufflée, +whose puffy brown sides bagged over the tin dish that contained it. +"There's a tart!" cried Mr. Jorrocks; "Oh, my eyes, what a swell!--Well, +I suppose I must have a shy at it.--'In for a penny in for a pound!' as +we say at the Lord Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, but, however, +here goes," sending his plate across the table to the _garēon_, who was +going to help it. The first dive of the spoon undeceived him as he heard +it sound at the bottom of the dish. "Oh lauk, what a go! All puff, by +Jove!--a regular humbug--a balloon pudding, in short! I won't eat such +stuff--give it to Mouncheer there," rejecting the offer of a piece. "I +like the solids;--will trouble you for some of that cheese, sir, and +don't let it taste of the knive. But what do they mean by setting +the dessert on before the cloth is removed? And here comes tea and +coffee--may as well have some, I suppose it will be all the same price. +And what's this?" eyeing a lot of liqueur glasses full of eau de vie. +"Chasse-café, Monsieur," said the _garēon_. "Chasse calf--chasse +calf--what's that? Oh, I twig--what we call 'shove in the mouth' at the +Free-and-Easy. Yes, certainly, give me a glass." "You shall take some +dessert," said the Countess, handing him over some peaches and biscuits. +"Well, I'll try my hand at it, if it will oblege your ladyship, but I +really have had almost enough." "And some abricot," said she, helping +him to a couple of fine juicy ones. "Oh, thank you, my lady, thank you, +my lady, I'm nearly satisfied." "Vous ne mangez pas," said she, giving +him half a plate of grapes. "Oh, my lady, you don't understand me--I +can't eat any more--I am regularly high and dry--chock full--bursting, +in fact." Here she handed him a plate of sponge-cakes mixed with +bon-bons and macaroons, saying, "Vous źtes un pauvre mangeur--vous +ne mangez rien, Monsieur." "Oh dear, she does not understand me, I +see.--Indeed, my lady, I cannot eat any more.--Ge woudera, se ge +could-era, mais ge can-ne-ra pas!" "Well, now, I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles, and never heard such a bit of French as that +before," said the fat man, chuckling. + + + +IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS + +As the grey morning mist gradually dispersed, and daylight began to +penetrate the cloud that dimmed the four squares of glass composing the +windows of the diligence, the Yorkshireman, half-asleep and half-awake, +took a mental survey of his fellow-travellers.--Before him sat his +worthy friend, snoring away with his mouth open, and his head, which +kept bobbing over on to the shoulder of the Countess, enveloped in the +ample folds of a white cotton nightcap.--She, too, was asleep and, +disarmed of all her daylight arts, dozed away in tranquil security. Her +mouth also was open, exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth, and +her Madonna front having got a-twist, exposed a mixture of brown and +iron-grey hairs at the parting place. Her bonnet swung from the roof +of the diligence, and its place was supplied by a handsome lace cap, +fastened under her chin by a broad-hemmed cambric handkerchief. +Presently the sun rose, and a bright ray shooting into the Countess's +corner, awoke her with a start, and after a hurried glance at the +passengers, who appeared to be all asleep, she drew a small ivory-cased +looking-glass from her bag, and proceeded to examine her features. Mr. +Jorrocks awoke shortly after, and with an awful groan exclaimed that +his backbone was fairly worn out with sitting. "Oh dear!" said he, "my +behind aches as if I had been kicked all the way from Hockleyhole to +Marylebone. Are we near Paris? for I'm sure I can't find seat any +longer, indeed I can't. I'd rather ride two hundred miles in nine hours, +like H'osbaldeston, than be shut up in this woiture another hour. It +really is past bearing, and that's the long and short of the matter." +This exclamation roused all the party, who began yawning and rubbing +their eyes and looking at their watches. The windows also were lowered +to take in fresh air, and on looking out they found themselves rolling +along a sandy road, lined on each side with apple-trees, whose branches +were "groaning" with fruit. They breakfasted at Beaumont, and had a +regular spread of fish, beef-steak, mutton-chops, a large joint of +hot roast veal, roast chickens, several yards of sour bread, grapes, +peaches, pears, and plums, with vin ordinaire, and coffee au lait; +but Mr. Jorrocks was off his feed, and stood all the time to ease his +haunches. + +Towards three in the afternoon they caught the first glimpse of the +gilded dome of the Hospital of Invalids, which was a signal for all +the party to brush up and make themselves agreeable. Even the +three-hundred-thousand miler opened out, and began telling some +wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess and Mr. Jorrocks carried on a +fierce flirtation, or whatever else they pleased to call it. At last, +after a deal of jargon, he broke off by appealing to the Yorkshireman +to know what "inn" they should "put up at" in Paris. "I don't know, I'm +sure," said he; "it depends a good deal upon how you mean to live. As +you pay my shot it does not do for beggars to be choosers; but suppose +we try Meurice's" "Oh no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "her ladyship tells me +it is werry expensive, for the English always pay through the nose if +they go to English houses in Paris; and, as we talk French, we can put +up at a French one, you know." "Well, then, we can try one of the French +ones in the Rue de la Paix." "Rue de la Pay! no, by Jove, that won't do +for me--the werry name is enough--no Rue de la Pay for me, at least if +I have to pay the shot." "Well, then, you must get your friend there to +tell you of some place, for I don't care twopence, as long as I have a +bed, where it is." The Countess and he then laid their heads together +again, and when the diligence stopped to change horses at St. Denis, +Mr. Jorrocks asked the Yorkshireman to alight, and taking him aside, +announced with great glee that her ladyship, finding they were strangers +in the land, had most kindly invited them to stay with her, and that she +had a most splendid house in the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons, ornamented +with mirrors, musical clocks, and he didn't know what, and kept the best +company in all France, marquesses, barons, viscounts, authors, etc. +Before the Yorkshireman had time to reply, the conducteur came and +hurried them back into the diligence, and closed the door with a bang, +to be sure of having his passengers there while he and the postilion +shuffled the cards and cut for a glass of _eau-de-vie_ apiece. + +The Countess, suspecting what they had been after, resumed the +conversation as soon as Mr. Jorrocks was seated.--"You shall manger +cinque fois every day," said she; "cinque fois," she repeated.--"Humph!" +said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, "what can that mean?--cank four--four +times five's twenty--eat twenty times a day--not possible!" "Oui, +Monsieur, cinque fois," repeated the Countess, telling the number off +on her fingers--"Café at nine of the matin, déjeuner ą la fourchette at +onze o'clock, diner at cinque heure, café at six hour, and souper at +neuf hour." "Upon my word," replied Mr. Jorrocks, his eyes sparkling +with pleasure, "your offer is werry inwiting. My lady," said he, bowing +before her, "Je suis--I am much flattered." "And, Monsieur?" said she, +looking at the Yorkshireman. He, too, assured her that he was very +much flattered, and was beginning to excuse himself, when the Countess +interrupted him somewhat abruptly by turning to Mr. Jorrocks and saying, +"He sall be your son--n'est ce pas?" "No, my lady, I've no children," +replied he, and the Countess's eyes in their turn underwent a momentary +illumination. + +The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the man taken up to kick +about the jaded travellers' luggage at the journey's end. While this +operation was going on in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck close +to Mr. Jorrocks, and having dispatched Agamemnon for a fiacre, bundled +him in, luggage and all, and desiring her worthy domestic to mount the +box, and direct the driver, she kissed her hand to the Yorkshireman, +assuring him she would be most happy to see him, in proof of which, +she drove away without telling him her number, or where the Rue des +Mauvais-Garēons was. + +Paris is a charming place after the heat of the summer has passed away, +and the fine, clear, autumnal days arrive. Then is the time to see the +Tuileries gardens to perfection, when the Parisians have returned from +their chāteaus, and emigrating English and those homeward bound halt to +renovate on the road; then is the time that the gayest plants put forth +their brightest hues, and drooping orange flowers scent the air which +silvery fountains lend their aid to cool. + +On a Sunday afternoon, such as we have described, our friend Mr. Stubbs +(who since his arrival had been living very comfortably at the Hōtel +d'Hollande, in expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged in +six sous' worth of chairs--one to sit upon and one for each leg--and, +John Bull-like, stretched himself out in the shade beneath the lofty +trees, to view the gay groups who promenaded the alleys before him. +First, there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife in blue satin, +and a little boy in his hand in uniform, with a wooden sword, a perfect +miniature of the father; then a group of short-petticoated, shuffling +French women, each with an Italian greyhound in slips, followed by an +awkward Englishman with a sister on each arm, all stepping out like +grenadiers; then came a ribbon'd chevalier of the Legion of Honour, +whose hat was oftener in his hand than on his head, followed by a +nondescript looking militaire with fierce mustachios, in shining +jack-boots, white leathers, and a sort of Italian military cloak, with +one side thrown over the shoulder, to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the +bright scabbard of a large sword, while on the hero's left arm hung a +splendidly dressed woman. "What a figure!" said the Yorkshireman to +himself, as they came before him, and he took another good stare.--"Yet +stay--no, impossible!--Gracious Heaven! it can't be--and yet it is--by +Jove, it's Jorrocks!" + +"Why now, you old imbecile," cried he, jumping off his chairs and +running up to him, "What are you after?" bursting into a loud laugh as +he looked at Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios (a pair of great false ones). "Is +there no piece of tomfoolery too great for you? What's come across you +now? Where the deuce did you get these things?" taking hold of the curls +at one side of his mustachios. + +"How now?" roared Mr. Jorrocks with rage and astonishment. "How now! ye +young scaramouch, vot do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman in +broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality? By Jingo," added +he, his eyes sparkling with rage, "if you are not off before I can say +'dumpling' I'll run you through the gizzard and give your miserable +carcass to the dogs," suiting the action to the word, and groping +under his cloak for the hilt of his sword.--A crowd collected, and the +Yorkshireman perceiving symptoms of a scene, slunk out of the mźlée, and +Mr. Jorrocks, after an indignant shake or two of his feathers and curl +of his mustachios, pursued his course up the gardens. + +This was the first time they had met since their arrival, which was +above a week before; indeed, it was nine days, for the landlord of the +house where the Yorkshireman lived had sent his "little bill" two days +before this, it being an established rule of his house, and one which +was conspicuously posted in all the rooms, that the bills were to be +settled weekly; and Mr. Stubbs had that very morning observed that the +hat of Monsieur l'Hote was not raised half so high from his head, nor +his body inclined so much towards the ground as it was wont to be--a +pretty significant hint that he wanted his cash.--Now the Yorkshireman, +among his other accomplishments, had a turn for play, and unfortunately +had been at the Salon the night before, when, after continuous run +of ill-luck, he came away twelve francs below the amount of the +hotel-keeper's bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr. Jorrocks could not +have taken place at a more unfortunate moment. Thinking, however, a good +night's rest or two might settle him down, and put all matters right, +he let things alone until the Tuesday following, when again finding +Monsieur's little "memoire" on one side of his coffeecup, and a framed +copy of the "rules and regulations" of the house on the other, he +felt constrained to take some decisive step towards its liquidation. +Accordingly, having breakfasted, he combed his hair straight over his +face, and putting on a very penitential look, called a cab, and desired +the man to drive him to the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons.--After zigzagging, +twisting, and turning about in various directions, they at last jingled +to the end of a very narrow dirty-looking street, whose unswept pavement +had not been cheered by a ray of sunshine since the houses were built. +It was excessively narrow, and there were no flags on either side; but +through the centre ran a dribbling stream, here and there obstructed +by oyster-shells, or vegetable refuse, as the water had served as +a plaything for children, or been stopped by servants for domestic +purposes. The street being extremely old, of course the houses were very +large, forming, as all houses do in Paris, little squares entered by +folding doors, at one side of which, in a sort of lodge, lives the +Porter--"Parlez au Portier"--who receives letters, parcels, and +communications for the several occupiers, consisting sometimes of twenty +or thirty different establishments in one house. From this functionary +may be learned the names of the different tenants. Having dismissed his +cab, the Yorkshireman entered the first gateway on his left, to take +the chance of gaining some intelligence of the Countess. The Porter--a +cobbler by trade--was hammering away, last on knee, at the sole of a +shoe, and with a grin on his countenance, informed the Yorkshireman that +the Countess lived next door but one. A thrill of fear came over him on +finding himself so near the residence of his indignant friend, but it +was of momentary duration, and he soon entered the courtyard of No. +3--where he was directed by an unshaved grisly-looking porter, to +proceed "un troisičme," and ring the bell at the door on the right-hand +side. Obedient to his directions, the Yorkshireman proceeded to climb a +wide but dirty stone staircase, with carved and gilded balusters, whose +wall and steps had known no water for many years, and at length found +himself on the landing opposite the very apartment which contained the +redoubtable Jorrocks. Here he stood for a few seconds, breathing and +cooling himself after his exertions, during which time he pictured to +himself the worthy citizen immersed in papers deeply engaged in the +preparation of his France in three volumes, and wished that the first +five minutes of their interview were over. At length he mustered courage +to grasp a greasy-looking red tassel, and give a gentle tinkle to the +bell. The door was quickly opened by Agamemnon in dirty loose trousers +and slippers, and without a coat. He recognised his fellow-traveller, +and in answer to his inquiry if Monsieur Jorrocks was at home, grinned, +and answered, "Oh oui, certainement, Monsieur le Colonel Jorrockes est +ici," and motioned him to come in. The Yorkshireman entered the little +ante-room--a sort of scullery, full of mops, pans, dirty shoes, dusters, +candlesticks--and the first thing that caught his eye was Jorrocks's +sword, which Agamemnon had been burnishing up with sandpaper and +leather, lying on a table before the window. This was not very +encouraging, but Agamemnon gave no time for reflection, and opening half +a light salmon-coloured folding door directly opposite the one by which +he entered, the Yorkshireman passed through, unannounced and unperceived +by Mr. Jorrocks or the Countess, who were completely absorbed in a game +of dominoes, sitting on opposite sides of a common deal table, whose +rose-coloured silk cover was laid over the back of a chair. Jorrocks was +sitting on a stool with his back to the door, and the Countess being +very intent on the game, Mr. Stubbs had time for a hasty survey of the +company and apartment before she looked up. It was about one o'clock, +and of course she was still _en déshabillé_, with her nightcap on, +a loose _robe de chambre_ of flannel, and a flaming broad-striped +red-and-black Scotch shawl thrown over her shoulders, and +swan's-down-lined slippers on her feet. Mr. Jorrocks had his leather +pantaloons on, with a rich blue and yellow brocade dressing-gown, and +blue morocco slippers to match. His jack-boots, to which he had added +a pair of regimental heel-spurs, were airing before a stove, which +contained the dying embers of a small log. The room was low, and +contained the usual allowance of red figured velvet-cushioned chairs, +with brass nails; the window curtains were red-and-white on rings and +gilded rods; a secretaire stood against one of the walls, and there was +a large mirror above the marble mantelpiece, which supported a clock +surmounted by a flying Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers +covered with glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet of the +newest and most approved fashion. The floor, of highly polished oak, was +strewed about with playbills, slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, +ribbons, dirty handkerchiefs, etc.; and on one side of the deal table +was a plate containing five well-picked mutton-chop bones, and hard by +lay Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios and a dirty small tooth-comb. + +Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his survey, the Countess +gave the finishing stroke to the game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a +rage, gave his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipe-clay flying +into his face. "Vous avez the devil's own luck"; exclaimed he, repeating +the blow, when, to avoid the cloud, he turned short round, and +encountered the Yorkshireman. + +"How now?" roared he at the top of his voice, "who sent for you? Have +you come here to insult me in my own house? I'll lay my soul to an +'oss-shoe, I'll be too many for ye! Where's my sword?" + +"Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks," replied the Yorkshireman very mildly, +"pray, don't put yourself into a passion--consider the lady, and don't +let us have any unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's house," +making her a very low bow as he spoke, and laying his hand on his heart. + +"D--n your displeasancies!" roared Jorrocks, "and that's swearing--a +thing I've never done since my brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece +of muffin. Out with you, I say! Out with ye! you're a nasty dirty +blackguard; I'm done with you for ever. I detest the sight of you and +hate ye afresh every time I see you!" + +"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," interposed the Countess, "ve sall play +anoder game, and you sall had von better chance," clapping him on the +back as she spoke. "I von't!" bellowed Jorrocks. "Turn this chap out +first. I'll do it myself. H'Agamemnon! H'Agamemnon! happortez my sword! +bring my sword! tout suite, directly!" + +"Police! Police! Police!" screamed the Countess out of the window; +"Police! Police! Police!" bellowed Agamemnon from the next one; "Police! +Police! Police!" re-echoed the grisly porter down below; and before +they had time to reflect on what had passed, a sergeant's file of the +National Guard had entered the hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken +possession of the apartment. The sight of the soldiers with their bright +bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as they were, cooled Mr. Jorrocks's +courage in an instant, and, after standing a few seconds in petrified +astonishment, he made a dart at his jack-boots and bolted out of the +room. The Countess Benvolio then unlocked her secretaire, in which was a +plated liqueur-stand with bottles and glasses, out of which she +poured the sergeant three, and the privates two glasses each of pure +_eau-de-vie,_ after which Agamemnon showed them the top of the stairs. + +In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and the Yorkshireman was +occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool. The Countess then began putting things +a little in order, adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured +cover--before doing which she swept off Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios, and +thrust a dirty white handkerchief and the small tooth-comb under the +cushion of a chair--while Agamemnon carried away the plate with the +bones. "Ah, le pauvre Colonel," said the Countess, eyeing the bones as +they passed, "he sall be von grand homme to eat--him eat toujours--all +day long--Oh, him mange beaucoup--beaucoup--beaucoup. He is von varé +amiable man, bot he sall not be moch patience. I guess he sall be varé +rich--n'est ce pas? have many guinea?--He say he keep beaucoup des +chiens--many dogs for the hont--he sail be vot dey call rom customer +(rum customer) in Angleterre, I think." + +Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman all sorts of stories +about the _pauvre_ Colonel, whom she seemed ready to change for a +younger piece of goods with a more moderate appetite; and finding Mr. +Stubbs more complaisant than he had been in the diligence, she concluded +by proposing that he should accompany the Colonel and herself to a +_soirée-dansante_ that evening at a friend of hers, another Countess, in +the "Rue des Bons-Enfants." + +Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on condition that the +Countess would effect a reconciliation between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, +for which purpose she at once repaired to his room, and presently +reappeared arm-in-arm with our late outrageously indignant hero. The +Colonel had been occupying his time at the toilette, and was _en grand +costume_--finely cleaned leathers, jack-boots and brass spurs, with a +spick and span new blue military frock-coat, hooking and eyeing up to +the chin, and all covered with braid, frogs, tags, and buttons. + +"Dere be von beau garēon!" exclaimed the Countess, turning him round +after having led him into the middle of the room--"dat habit does fit +you like vax." "Yes," replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising his arms as though +he were going to take flight, "but it is rather tight--partiklarly round +the waist--shouldn't like to dine in it. What do you think of it?" +turning round and addressing the Yorkshireman as if nothing had +happened--"suppose you get one like it?" "Do," rejoined the Countess, +"and some of the other things--vot you call them, Colonel?" +"What--breeches?" "Yes, breeches--but the oder name--vot you call dem?" +"Oh, leathers?" replied Mr. Jorrocks. "No, no, another name still." "I +know no other. Pantaloons, perhaps, you mean?" "No, no, not pantaloons." +"Not pantaloons?--then I know of nothing else. You don't mean these +sacks of things, called trousers?" taking hold of the Yorkshireman's. +"No, no, not trousers." "Then really, my lady, I don't know any other +name." "Oh, yes, Colonel, you know the things I intend. Vot is it you +call Davil in Angleterre?" "Oh, we have lots of names for him--Old Nick, +for instance."--"Old Nick breeches," said the Countess thoughtfully; +"no, dat sall not be it--vot else?" "Old Harry?" replied Mr. +Jorrocks.--"Old Harry breeches," repeated the Countess in the hopes of +catching the name by the ear--"no, nor dat either, encore anoder name, +Colonel." "Old Scratch, then?" "Old Scratch breeches," re-echoed the +Countess--"no, dat shall not do."--"Beelzebub?" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks. +"Beelzebub breeches," repeated the Countess--"nor dat." "Satan, then?" +said Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh oui!" responded the Countess with delight, +"satan! black satan breeches--you shall von pair of black satan +breeches, like the Colonel." + +"And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume?" said the Yorkshireman, +looking at Mr. Jorrocks. + +"I carn't," said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone; "I'm nearly cleaned out, +and shall be in Short's Gardens before I know where I am, unless I hold +better cards this evening than I've done yet. Somehow or other, these +French are rather too sharp for me, and I've been down upon my luck ever +since I came.--Lose every night, in fact, and then they are so werry +anxious for me to have my rewenge, as they call it, that they make +parties expressly for me every evening; but, instead of getting my +rewenge, I only lose more and more money.--They seem to me always to +turn up the king whenever they want him.--To-night we are going to a +Countess's of werry great consequence, and, as you know écarté well, +I'll back your play, and, perhaps, we may do something between us." + +This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his departure, and Mr. Jorrocks +having girded on his sword, and the Countess having made her morning +toilette, they proceed to their daily promenade in the Tuileries +Gardens. + +A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman again found himself +toiling up the dirty staircase, and on reaching the third landing was +received by Agamemnon in a roomy uniform of a chasseur--dark green and +tarnished gold, with a cocked-hat and black feather, and a couteau de +chasse, slung by a shining patent-leather belt over his shoulder. The +opening of the inner door displayed the worthy Colonel sitting at his +ease, with his toes on each side of the stove (for the evenings had +begun to get cool), munching the last bit of crust of the fifth Périgord +pie that the Countess had got him to buy.--He was extremely smart; +thin black gauze-silk stockings, black satin breeches; well-washed, +well-starched white waistcoat with a rolling collar, showing an +amplitude of frill, a blue coat with yellow buttons and a velvet collar, +while his pumps shone as bright as polished steel. + +The Countess presently sidled into the room, all smirks and smiles as +dressy ladies generally are when well "got up." Rouge and the milliner +had effectually reduced her age from five and forty down to five and +twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink satin, with lilies of the +valley in her hair, and an exquisitely wrought gold armlet, with a most +Lilliputian watch in the centre. + +Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pie-crust, and stuck on his mustachios, +the Countess blew out her bougies, and the trio, preceeded by Agamemnon +with a lanthorn in his hand, descended the stairs, whose greasy, muddy +steps contrasted strangely with the rich delicacy of the Countess's +beautifully slippered feet. Having handed them into the voiture, +Agamemnon mounted up behind, and in less than ten minutes they rumbled +into the spacious courtyard of the Countess de Jackson, in the Rue des +Bons-Enfants, and drew up beneath a lofty arch at the foot of a long +flight of dirty black-and-white marble stairs, about the centre of which +was stationed a _lacquey de place_ to show the company up to the hall. +The Countess de Jackson (the wife of an English horse-dealer) lived +in an _entresol au troisičme_, but the hotel being of considerable +dimensions, her apartment was much more spacious than the Countess +Benvolio's. Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being a _marchande des +modes_, had occasion for greater accommodation, and she had five low +rooms, whereof the centre one was circular, from which four others, +consisting of an ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and _salle ą manger_, +radiated. + +Agamemnon having opened the door of the _fiacre_, the Countess Benvolio +took the Yorkshireman's arm, and at once preceded to make the ascent, +leaving the Colonel to settle the fare, observing as they mounted the +stairs, that he was "von exceeding excellent man, but varé slow." + +"Madame la Contesse Benvolio and Monsieur Stoops!" cried the _lacquey de +place_ as they reached the door of the low ante-room, where the Countess +Benvolio deposited her shawl, and took a final look at herself in the +glass. She again took the Yorkshireman's arm and entered the round +ballroom, which, though low and out of all proportion, had an +exceedingly gay appearance, from the judicious arrangement of the +numerous lights, reflected in costly mirrors, and the simple elegance of +the crimson drapery, festooned with flowers and evergreens against the +gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had been the residence of an ambassador +before the first revolution, and this _entresol_ had formed the private +apartment of his Excellency. The door immediately opposite the one by +which they entered, led into the Countess de Jackson's bedroom, +which was also lighted up, with the best furniture exposed and her +toilette-table set out with numberless scent bottles, vases, trinkets, +and nick-nacks, while the _salle ą manger_ was converted into a +card-room. Having been presented in due form to the hostess, the +Yorkshireman and his new friend stood surveying the gay crowd of +beautiful and well-dressed women, large frilled and well-whiskered men, +all chatting, and bowing, and dancing, when a half-suppressed titter +that ran through the room attracted their attention, and turning round, +Mr. Jorrocks was seen poking his way through the crowd with a number of +straws sticking to his feet, giving him the appearance of a feathered +Mercury. The fact was, that Agamemnon had cleaned his shoes with the +liquid varnish (french polish), and forgetting to dry it properly, the +carrying away half the straw from the bottom of the _fiacre_ was the +consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks having paid the Jehu rather short, the +latter had not cared to tell him about it. + +The straws were, however, soon removed without interruption to the +gaiety of the evening. Mr. Stubbs, of course, took an early opportunity +of waltzing with the Countess Benvolio, who, as all French women are, +was an admirable dancer, and Jorrocks stood by fingering and curling his +mustachios, admiring her movements but apparently rather jealous of the +Yorkshireman. "I wish," said he after the dance was over, "that +you would sit down at _écarté_ and let us try to win some of these +mouncheers' tin, for I'm nearly cleaned out. Let us go into the +cardroom, but first let us see if we can find anything in the way of +nourishment, for I begin to be hungry. Garsoon," said he catching a +servant with a trayful of _eau sucrée_ glasses, "avez-vous kick-shaws to +eat?" putting his finger in his mouth--"ge wouderay some refreshment." +"Oh, oui," replied the garēon taking him to an open window overlooking +the courtyard, and extending his hand in the air, "voilą, monsieur, de +trčs bon rafraīchissement." + +The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for though composed of +shopkeepers and such like, there was nothing in their dress or manner +to indicate anything but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks, indeed, +fancied himself in the very élite of French society, and, but for a +little incident, would have remained of that opinion. In an unlucky +moment he took it into his head he could waltz, and surprised the +Countess Benvolio by claiming her hand for the next dance. "It seems +werry easy," said he to himself as he eyed the couples gliding round the +room;--"at all ewents there's nothing like trying, 'for he who never +makes an effort never risks a failure.'" The couples were soon formed +and ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a conspicuous position in +the centre of the room, buttoned his coat, and, as the music struck up, +put his arm round the waist of his partner. The Countess, it seems, had +some misgivings as to his prowess in the dancing line, and used all her +strength to get him well off, but the majority of the dancers started +before him. At length, however, he began to move, and went rolling away +in something between a gallop and a waltz, effecting two turns, like a +great cart-wheel, which brought him bang across the room, right into the +track of another couple, who were swinging down at full speed, making a +cannon with his head against both theirs, and ending by all four coming +down upon the hard boards with a tremendous crash--the Countess Benvolio +undermost, then the partner of the other Countess, then Jorrocks, and +then the other Countess herself. Great was the commotion, and the music +stopped; Jorrocks lost his wig, and split his Beelzebub breeches across +the knees, while the other gentleman cracked his behind--and the +Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were considerably damaged; +particularly the other Countess, who lost four false teeth and broke an +ear-ring. This, however, was not the worst, for as soon as they were +all scraped together and set right again, the other Countess's partner +attacked Jorrocks most furiously, calling him a _sacré-nom de-Dieu'd +bźte_ of an Englishman, a mauvais sujet, a cochon, etc., then spitting +on the floor--the greatest insult a Frenchman can offer--he vapoured +about being one of the "grand nation," "that he was brave--the world +knew it," and concluded by thrusting his card--"Monsieur Charles Adolphe +Eugene, Confiturier, No. 15 bis, Rue Poupée"--into Jorrocks's face. It +was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling his fists, and getting +close to him, he held one to his nose, exclaiming, "D--n ye, sir, je +suis--JORROCKS!--Je suis an Englishman! je vous lick within an inch of +your life! --Je vous kick!--je vous mill!--je vous flabbergaster!" and +concluded by giving him his card, "Monsieur le Colonel Jorrocks, No 3, +Rue des Mauvais-Garēons." + +A friend of the confectioner's interposed and got him away, and Mr. +Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to return into the cardroom, where they +were speedily waited upon by the friend of the former, who announced +that the Colonel must make an apology or fight, for he said, although +Jorrocks was a "Colonel Anglais," still Monsieur Eugene was of the +Legion of Honour, and, consequently, very brave and not to be insulted +with impunity. All this the Yorkshireman interpreted to Mr. Jorrocks, +who was most anxious to fight, and wished it was light that they might +go to work immediately. Mr. Stubbs therefore told the confectioner's +friend (who was also his foreman), that the Colonel would fight him with +pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but no sooner was the +word "pistols" mentioned than the friend exclaimed, with a grimace and +shrug of his shoulders, "Oh horror, no! Monsieur Adolphe is brave, but +he will not touch pistols--they're not weapons of his country." +Jorrocks then proposed to fight him with broad swords, but this the +confectioner's foreman declined on behalf of his principal, and at last +the Colonel suggested that they could not do better than fight it out +with fists. Now, the confectioner was ten years younger than Jorrocks, +tall, long-armed, and not over-burthened with flesh, and had, moreover, +taken lessons of Harry Harmer, when that worthy had his school in Paris, +so he thought the offer was a good one, and immediately closed with it. +Jorrocks, too, had been a patron of the prize-ring, having studied under +Bill Richmond, the man of colour, and was reported to have exhibited +in early life (incog.) with a pugilist of some pretensions at the +Fives-court, so, all things considered, fists seemed a very proper mode +of settling the matter, and that being agreed upon, each party quitted +the Countess de Jackson's--the confectioner putting forth all manner of +high-flown ejaculations and prayers for success, as he groped about the +ante-room for his hat, and descended the stairs. "Oh! God of war!" said +he, throwing up his hands, "who guided the victorious army of this grand +nation in Egypt, when, from the pyramids, forty centuries beheld our +actions--oh, brilliant sun, who shone upon our armies at Jaffa, at +Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz, Jena, and Algiers, who blessed +our endeavours, who knowest that we are brave--brave as a hundred +lions--look down on Charles Adolphe Eugene, and enable him to massacre +and immolate on the altar of his wrath, this sacré-nom de-Dieu'd beastly +hog of an Englishman"--and thereupon he spit upon the flags with all the +venom of a viper. + +Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech, as he poked his way +home, though of a different description. "Now blister my kidneys," said +he, slapping his thigh, "but I'll sarve him out! I'll baste him as +Randall did ugly Borrock. I'll knock him about as Belcher did the Big +Ilkey Pigg. I'll damage his mug as Turner did Scroggins's. I'll fib him +till he's as black as Agamemnon--for I do feel as though I could fight a +few." + + * * * * * + +The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at the Hōtel d'Hollande +had not received their morning opening, when a tremendous loud, long, +protracted rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, sounded like thunder throughout the +extensive square, and brought numerous nightcapped heads to the windows, +to see whether the hotel was on fire, or another revolution had broken +out. The _maītre d'hotel_ screamed, the porter ran, the _chef de +cuisine_ looked out of his pigeon-hole window, and the _garēons_ +and male _femmes des chambres_ rushed into the yard, with fear and +astonishment depicted on their countenances, when on peeping through the +grating of the little door, Mr. Jorrocks was descried, knocker in hand, +about to sound a second edition. Now, nothing is more offensive to the +nerves of a Frenchman than a riotous knock, and the impertinence was not +at all migitated by its proceeding from a stranger who appeared to have +arrived through the undignified medium of a co-cou.[23] Having scanned +his dimensions and satisfied himself that, notwithstanding all the +noise, Jorrocks was mere mortal man, the porter unbolted the door, +and commenced a loud and energetic tirade of abuse against "Monsieur +Anglais," for his audacious thumping, which he swore was enough to make +every man of the National Guard rush "to arms." In the midst of the +torrent, very little of which Mr. Jorrocks understood, the Yorkshireman +appeared, whom he hurried into the _co-cou_, bundled in after him, cried +"ally!" to the driver, and off they jolted at a miserably slow trot. +A little before seven they reached the village of Passy, where it +was arranged they should meet and proceed from thence to the Bois de +Boulogne, to select a convenient place for the fight; but neither the +confectioner nor his second, nor any one on his behalf, was visible and +they walked the length and breadth of the village, making every possible +inquiry without seeing or hearing anything of them. At length, having +waited a couple of hours, Mr. Jorrocks's appetite overpowered his desire +of revenge, and caused him to retire to the "Chapeau-Rouge" to indulge +in a "fork breakfast." Nature being satisfied, he called for pen and +ink, and with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew up the following proclamation +which to this day remains posted in the _salle ą manger_ a copy whereof +was transmitted by post to the confectioner at Paris. + +[Footnote 23: _Co-cous_ are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs +of Paris. They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young Diligence.] + + + PROCLAMATION! + + I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram Street, in the County of Middlesex, + Member of the Surrey Hunt, in England, and Colonel of the Army when + I'm in France, having been grossly insulted by Charles Adolphe + Eugene of No. 15 bis, Rue Poupée, confectioner, this day repaired + to Passy, with the intention of sarving him out with my fists; but, + neither he nor any one for him having come to the scratch, I, John + Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said Charles Adolphe Eugene to be a + shabby fellow and no soldier, and totally unworthy the notice of a + fox-hunter and a gentleman sportsman. + + (Signed) JOHN JORROCKS. + + (Countersigned) STUBBS. + +This being completed, and the bill paid, they returned leisurely on foot +to Paris, looking first at one object, then at another, so that the +Countess Benvolio's dinner-hour was passed ere they reached the +Tuileries Gardens, where after resting themselves until it began to get +dusk, and their appetites returned, they repaired to the Café de Paris +to destroy them again.--The lofty well-gilded salon was just lighted up, +and the numberless lamps reflected in costly mirrors in almost every +partition of the wall, aided by the graceful figures and elegant dresses +of the ladies, interspersed among the sombre-coated gentry, with here +and there the gay uniforms of the military, imparted a fairy air to the +scene, which was not a little heightened by the contrast produced by Mr. +Jorrocks's substantial figure, stumping through the centre with his hat +on his head, his hands behind his back, and the dust of the day hanging +about his Hessians. + +"Garsoon," said he, hanging up his hat, and taking his place at a vacant +table laid for two, "ge wouderai some wittles," and, accordingly, the +spruce-jacketed, white-aproned _garēon_ brought him the usual red-backed +book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the side, like the index to +a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks said, "containing reading enough for a +month." "Quelle potage voulez vous, monsieur?" inquired the _garēon_ at +last, tired of waiting while he studied the _carte_ and looked the words +out in the dictionary. "_Avez-vous_ any potted lobster?" "Non," said the +_garēon_, "potage au vermicelle, au riz, a la Julienne, consommé, et +potage aux choux." "Old shoe! who the devil do you think eats old shoes +here? Have you any mock turtle or gravy soup?" "Non, monsieur," said the +_garēon_ with a shrug of the shoulders. "Then avez-vous any roast +beef?" "Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au naturel--boeuf ą la sauce +piquante--boeuf aux cornichons--boeuf ą la mode--boeuf aux choux--boeuf +ą la sauce tomate--bifteck aux pommes de terre." "Hold hard," said +Jorrocks; "I've often heard that you can dress an egg a thousand ways, +and I want to hear no more about it; bring me a beef-steak and pommes +de terre for three." "Stop!" cried Mr. Stubbs, with dismay--"I see you +don't understand ordering a dinner in France --let me teach you. Where's +the _carte?_" "Here," said Mr. Jorrocks, "is 'the bill of lading,'" +handing over the book.--"Garēon, apportez une douzaine des huītres, un +citron, et du beurre frais," said the Yorkshireman, and while they were +discussing the propriety of eating them before or after the soup, a +beautiful dish of little green oysters made their appearance, which were +encored before the first supply was finished. "Now, Colonel," said the +Yorkshireman, "take a bumper of Chablis," lifting a pint bottle out of +the cooler. "It has had one plunge in the ice-pail and no more--see what +a delicate rind it leaves on the glass!" eyeing it as he spoke. "Ay, but +I'd rayther it should leave something in the mouth than on the side +of the glass," replied Mr. Jorrocks; "I loves a good strong generous +wine--military port, in fact--but here comes fish and soup--wot are +they?" "Filet de sole au gratin, et potage au macaroni avec fromage de +Parmesan. I'll take fish first, because the soup will keep hot longest." +"So will I," said Mr. Jorrocks, "for I think you understand the +thing--but they seem to give werry small penn'orths--it really +looks like trifling with one's appetite--I likes the old joint--the +cut-and-come-again system, such as we used to have at Sugden's in +Cornhill--joint, wegitables, and cheese all for two shillings." "Don't +talk of your joints here," rejoined the Yorkshireman--"I told you +before, you don't understand the art of eating--the dexterity of the +thing consists in titivating the appetite with delicate morsels so as to +prolong the pleasure. A well-regulated French dinner lasts two hours, +whereas you go off at score, and take the shine out of yourself before +you turn the Tattenham Corner of your appetite. But come, take another +glass of Chablis, for your voice is husky as though your throat was full +of dust.--Will you eat some of this boulli-vert?" "No, not no bouleward +for me thank ye." "Well, then, we will have the 'entrée de +boeuf--beef with sauce tomate--and there is a cōtelette de veau en +papillotte;--which will you take?" "I'll trouble the beef, I think; I +don't like that 'ere pantaloon cutlet much, the skin is so tough." "Oh, +but you don't eat the paper, man; that is only put on to keep this nice +layer of fat ham from melting; take some, if it is only that you may +enjoy a glass of champagne after it. There is no meat like veal for +paving the way for a glass of champagne." "Well, I don't care if I do, +now you have explained how to eat it, for I've really been troubled with +indigestion all day from eating one wholesale yesterday; but don't you +stand potatoes--pommes de terre, as we say in France?" "Oh yes, fried, +and ą la maītre d'hotel; here they come, smoking hot. Now, J---- for a +glass of champagne--take it out of the pail--nay, man! not with both +hands round the middle, unless you like it warm--by the neck, so," +showing him how to do it and pouring him a glass of still champagne. +"This won't do," said Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle; "garsoon! +garsoon!--no good--no bon--no fizzay, no fizzay," giving the bottom of +the bottle a slap with his hand to rouse it. "Oh, but this is still +champagne," explained the Yorkshireman, "and far the best." "I +don't think so," retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the glass into his +water-stand. "Well, then, have a bottle of the other," rejoined the +Yorkshireman, ordering one. "And who's to pay for it?" inquired Mr. +Jorrocks. "Oh, never mind that--care killed the cat--give a loose to +pleasure for once, for it's a poor heart that never rejoices. Here it +comes, and 'may you never know what it is to want,' as the beggar boys +say.--Now, let's see you treat it like a philosopher--the wire is off, +so you've nothing to do but cut the string, and press the cork on one +side with your thumb.--Nay! you've cut both sides!" Fizz, pop, bang, +and away went the cork close past the ear of an old deaf general, and +bounded against the wall.--"Come, there's no mischief done, so pour out +the wine.--Your good health, old boy, may you live for a thousand years, +and I be there to count them! --Now, that's what I call good," observed +the Yorkshireman, holding up his glass, "see how it dulls the glass, +even to the rim--champagne isn't worth a copper unless it's iced--is +it, Colonel?" "Vy, I don't know--carn't say I like it so werry cold; it +makes my teeth chatter, and cools my courage as it gets below--champagne +certainly gives one werry gentlemanly ideas, but for a continuance, I +don't know but I should prefer mild hale." "You're right, old boy, it +does give one very gentlemanly ideas, so take another glass, and you'll +fancy yourself an emperor.--Your good health again." "The same to you, +sir. And now wot do you call this chap?" "That is a quail, the other a +snipe--which will you take?" "Vy, a bit of both, I think; and do you +eat these chaps with them?" "Yes, nothing nicer--artichokes į la sauce +blanche; you get the real eating part, you see, by having them sent up +this way, instead of like haystacks, as they come in England, diving and +burning your fingers amid an infinity of leaves." "They are werry pretty +eating, I must confess; and this upper Binjamin of ham the birds are +cooked in is delicious. I'll trouble you for another plateful." "That's +right, Colonel, you are yourself again. I always thought you would come +back into the right course; and now you are good for a glass of claret +of light Hermitage. Come, buck up, and give a loose to pleasure for +once." "For once, ay, that's what you always say; but your once comes so +werry often." "Say no more.--Garēon! un demi-bouteille de St. Julien; +and here, J----, is a dish upon which I will stake my credit as an +experienced caterer--a Charlotte de pommes--upon my reputation it is +a fine one, the crust is browned to a turn, and the rich apricot +sweet-meat lies ensconced in the middle, like a sleeping babe in its +cradle. If ever man deserved a peerage and a pension it is this cook." +"It's werry delicious--order another." "Oh, your eyes are bigger than +your stomach, Mr. J----. According to all mathematical calculations, +this will more than suffice. Ay, I thought so--you are regularly at a +stand-still. Take a glass of whatever you like. Good--I'll drink Chablis +to your champagne. And now, that there may be no mistake as to our +country, we will have some cheese--fromage de Roquefort, Gruyčre, +Neufchatel, or whatever you like--and a beaker of Burgundy after, and +then remove the cloth, for I hate dabbling in dowlas after dinner is +done." "Rum beggars these French," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, laying +down the newspaper, and taking a sip of Churchman's chocolate, as on the +Sunday morning he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls and +butter, with _Galignani's Messenger_, for breakfast. + +"Rum beggars, indeed," said he, resuming the paper, and reading the +programme of the amusements for the day, commencing with the hour of +Protestant service at the Ambassador's Chapel, followed on by Palace and +Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal--Review with Military Music in +the Place du Carousel--Horse-races in the Champs de Mars--Fźte in the +Park of St. Cloud--Combat d'Animaux, that is to say, dog-fighting and +bull-baiting, at the Barričre du Combat, Tivoli, etc., etc., "It's not +werry right, but I suppose at Rome we must do as Romans do," with which +comfortable reflection Mr. Jorrocks proposed that the Countess and +he should go to the races. Madame was not partial to animals of any +description, but having got a new hat and feathers she consented to show +them, on condition that they adjoined to the fźte at St. Cloud in the +evening. + +Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a neighbouring English +livery-stable drew up a dark-coloured job cab, with a red-and-white +striped calico lining, drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse, at +the Countess's gateway in the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons, into which Mr. +Jorrocks having handed her ladyship, and Agamemnon, who was attired in +his chasseur uniform, having climbed up behind, the old horse, after two +or three flourishes of his dirty white tail, as a sort of acknowledgment +of the whip on his sides, got himself into motion, and proceeded on +his way to the races. The Countess being resolved to cut a dash, had +persuaded our hero to add a smart second-hand cocked-hat, with a flowing +red-and-white feather, to the rest of his military attire; and the end +of a scarlet handkerchief, peeping out at the breast of his embroidered +frock-coat, gave him the appearance of wearing a decoration, and +procured him the usual salute from the soldiers and veterans of the +Hospital of Invalids, who were lounging about the ramparts and walks of +the edifice. The Countess's costume was simple and elegant; a sky-blue +satin pelisse with boots to match, and a white satin bonnet with white +feathers, tipped with blue, and delicate primrose-coloured gloves. Of +course the head of the cab was well thrown back to exhibit the elegant +inmates to the world. + +Great respect is paid to the military in France, as Mr. Jorrocks found +by all the hack, cab, and _fiacre _ drivers pulling up and making way +for him to pass, as the old crocodile-backed white horse slowly dragged +its long length to the gateway of the Champ de Mars. Here the guard, +both horse and foot, saluted him, which he politely acknowledged, +under direction of the Countess, by raising his _chapeau bras_, and a +subaltern was dispatched by the officer in command to conduct him to +the place appointed for the carriages to stand. But for this piece of +attention Mr. Jorrocks would certainly have drawn up at the splendid +building of the École Militaire, standing as it does like a grand stand +in the centre of the gravelly dusty plain of the Champ de Mars. The +officer, having speared his way through the crowd with the usual +courtesy of a Frenchman, at length drew up the cab in a long line of +anonymous vehicles under the rows of stunted elms by the stone-lined +ditch, on the southern side of the plain when, turning his charger +round, he saluted Mr. Jorrocks, and bumped off at a trot. Mr. Jorrocks +then stuck the pig-driving whip into the socket, and throwing forward +the apron, handed out the Countess, and installed Agamemnon in the cab. + +A fine day and a crowd make the French people thoroughly happy, and on +this afternoon the sun shone brightly and warmly on the land;--still +there was no apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the +multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon the plain, or lined the +grass-burnt mounds at the sides, in most independent parties. The Champ +de Mars forms a regular parallelogram of 2700 feet by 1320, and the +course, which is of an oblong form, comprises a circuit of the whole, +and is marked out with strong posts and ropes. Within the course, +equestrians--or more properly speaking, "men on horseback"--are admitted +under the surveillance of a regiment of cavalry, while infantry and +cavalry are placed in all directions with drawn swords and fixed +bayonets to preserve order. Being a gravelly sandy soil, in almost daily +requisition for the exercise and training of troops, no symptoms of +vegetation can be expected, and the course is as hard as the ride in +Rotten Row or up to Kensington Gardens. + +About the centre of the south side, near where the carriages were +drawn up, a few temporary stands were erected for the royal family and +visitors, the stand for the former being in the centre, and hung with +scarlet and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully arranged with +tri-coloured drapery. These are entered by tickets only, but there +are always plenty of platforms formed by tables and "chaises ą louer" +(chairs to let) for those who don't mind risking their necks for a +sight. Some few itinerants tramped about the plain, offering alternately +tooth-picks, play-bills, and race-lists for sale. Mr. Jorrocks, of +course, purchased one of the latter, which was decorated at the top with +a woodcut, representing three jockeys riding two horses, one with a whip +as big as a broad sword. We append the list as a specimen of "Sporting +in France," which, we are sorry to see, does not run into our pages +quite so cleverly as our printer could wish.[24] + +[Footnote 24: Racing in France is, of course, now a very different +business to the primitive sport it was when this sketch was +written.--EDITOR.] + +Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every good-looking horse, and +every well-built carriage, met on the Continent, as their own, but we +think that few would be ambitious of laying claim to the honour of +supplying France with jockeys or racehorses. Mr. Jorrocks, indeed, +indifferent as he is to the affairs of the turf, could not suppress his +"conwiction" of the difference between the flibberty-gibberty appearance +of the Frenchmen, and the quiet, easy, close-sitting jockeys of +Newmarket. The former all legs and elbows, spurting and pushing to the +front at starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and nankeen shorts, just +like the frowsy door-keepers of an Epsom gambling-booth; the latter in +clean, neat-fitting leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new +jackets, feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the rear, with their +whip hands resting on their thighs. Then such riding! A hulking Norman +with his knees up to his chin, and a long lean half-starved looking +Frenchman sat astride like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to +his knees before starting, followed by a runaway English stable lad, in +white cords and drab gaiters, and half a dozen others equally singular, +spurring and tearing round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into +each other's faces, until the field was so separated as to render it +difficult to say which was leading and which was tailing, for it is one +of the rules of their races, that each heat must be run in a certain +time, consequently, though all the horses may be distanced, the winner +keeps working away. Then what an absence of interest and enthusiasm on +the part of the spectators! Three-fourths of them did not know where the +horses started, scarcely a man knew their names, and the few tenpenny +bets that were made, were sported upon the colour of the jackets. A +Frenchman has no notion of racing, and it is on record that after a heat +in which the winning horse, after making a waiting race, ran in at the +finish, a Parisian observed, that "although 'Annette' had won at the +finish, he thought the greater honour was due to 'Hercule,' he having +kept the lead the greater part of the distance." On someone explaining +to him that the jockey on Annette had purposely made a waiting race, he +was totally incredulous, asserting that he was sure the jockeys had too +much _amour-propre_ to remain in the rear at any part of the race, when +they might be in front. + + + +X. SPORTING IN FRANCE + +PROGRAMME DES COURSES DE CHEVAUX + +QUI AURONT LIEU AU CHAMP-DE-MARS LE DIMANCHE A UNE HEURE, +EN PRESENCE DE LL. MM. LE ROI ET LA REINE, ET DES PRINCES DE LA FAMILLE ROYALE + +DEUX PRIX ROYAUX ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +| NOMS | SIGNALEMENS | NOMS |POIDS |NOMS | COSTUMES | +|Des Chevaux | Et Ages | Des |ą |Des |Des Jockeys | +| | | Proprietaires |porter|Jockeys | | ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +|Prix royal de 5000 fr. pour les chevaux et jumens de deuxičme espčce.--En | +| partie liée | +| | | | | | | +|Moina |Bai-clair-4 |Haras de Meudon |102 l.|Tom |Veste rouge | +| | | | | Hall |toque tricolore | +|Corisandre |Bai-brun-5 |M. Bonvié fils |115 |Tom |Veste orange, | +| | | | |Wilson |manches et toque| +| | | | | |noires. | +|Flore |Bai-cerise-4 |M. de Laroque |102 |Tony |Veste noire, | +| | | | |Montel |manches blanches| +| | | | | |toque noire. | +|Eleanor |Alezan-brulé-5|M. de Royčre |112 |Bernou |Veste verte, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +|Diomčde |Bai-4 |M. le baron de |105 |Baptiste|Veste bleue, | +| | | la Bastide | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl. et j. | +|Cirus |Bai-brun-5 |Lord Seymour |115 |North |Veste orange, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +|Aline |Bai-clair-4 |M. Noel |102 |Tom |Veste ponceau, | +| | | | | |manches blanches| +| | | | | | toque bleue. | +|Léonie |Alezan-doré-5 |M. Belhomme |112 |Pichon |Veste jaune, | +| | | | | | toque verte | +| | | | | | | +| | | | | | | +|Prix royal de 6ooo fr. pour les chevaux de premičre espčce.--En partie liée | +| | | | | | | +|Young-Milton|Bai-4 |M. Fasquel |105 l.|Tom Webb|Veste et toque | +| | | | | | noires. | +|Mouna |Bai-clair-4 |M. de Laroque |102 |Tony |Veste noire, | +| | | | | Montal |manches blanches| +| | | | | |toque noire | +|Paméla |Bai-4 |Heras de Meudon |102 |Tom Hall|Veste rouge, | +| | | | | |toque tricolore.| +|Eglé |Gris-sanguin-5|Lord Seymour |112 |Mous |Veste orange, | +| | | | | | toque noire | +|Cédéric |Bai-5 |M. le baron de |115 |Baptiste|Veste bleue, | +| | | la Bastide | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl. et ja.| +|Young-Tandem|Bai-cerise-4 |M. Schickler |105 |Webb |Veste rouge, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +| | | | | | | +|Oubiou |Alezan-6 |MM. Salvador et |121 |Tom |Veste bleue, | +| | | Tassinari | | Johns |manches blanches| +| | | | | | | +| | | | | |toque rouge. | +|Coradin |Bai-5 |M. Moreil |115 |René |Veste bleue, | +| | | | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl.&jaune.| ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +|Nota. Les chevaux de premičre espčce sont ceux nés en France de pčres et | +|mčres étrangers: ceux de la deuxičme espčce sont ceux nés de pčres et | +|mčres Franēais ou seulement de l'un des deux.--Chaque épreuve comprendra | +|les deux tours du Champs de Mars.--Les courses commenceront par la | +|premiere épreuve des chevaux de deuxičme espčce.--La seconde course se | +|fera pour la premičre épreuve des chevaux de premičre espčce: suivie de | +|la deuxičme épreuve des chevaux de deuxičme espčce: et elles seront | +|terminées par la deuxičme épreuve des chevaux de premičre espčce. | ++-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ + + ======================================================================== + Transcriber's note: The original document contains an additional column + that could not be squeezed into the 80 characters allowed in this + format. That column shows the pedigree of the horses, as follows: + + Moina: Issu de Candide et de Miltonia. + Corisandre: Issu d'Holbein et de Lisbeth. + Flore: Issue de Tigris et Biche. + Eléanor: Issue de Moulay et de Cadette. + Diomčde: Issu de Prémium et de Gabrielle. + Cirus: Issu de Toley et de Miss. + Aline: Issue de Snail et d'une jument Normande. + Léonie: Issue de Massoud et d'une fille de D-y-o. + + Young-Milton: Issu de Milton et de Betzi. + Mouna: Issu de Rainbow et de Mouna. + Paméla: Issue de Candid et Géane + Eglé: Issue de Rainbow and Young-Urganda. + Cédéric: Issue de Candid et Prestesse. + Young-Tandem: Issu de Multum-in-Parvo et d'Oida. + Oubiou: Issu d'Oubiou et d'une fille de Stradlamlad. + Coradin: Issu de Candid et de Prestesse. + ======================================================================= + + +"Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, curling his mustachios +and jingling a handful of five-franc pieces in the pocket of his +leathers--"moderate sport indeed," and therefore he turned his back to +the course and walked the Countess off towards the cab. + +From beneath a low tenth-rate-looking booth, called "The Cottage of +Content," supported by poles placed on the stunted trees of the avenue, +and exhibiting on a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in British beer," in +gilt letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring about odds, +and weights and scales, and on looking in, a score of ragamuffin-looking +grooms, imitation jockeys, and the usual hangers-on of the racehorses +and livery-stables, were seen drinking beer, smoking, playing at cards, +dice, and chuck-farthing. Before the well-patched canvas curtain that +flapped before the entrance, a crowd had collected round one of the +horses which was in the care of five or six fellows, one to hold him, +another to whistle to him, a third to whisk the flies away with a +horse's tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his mouth +out,--while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking fellow, in his +shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue apron and trousers (more like a +gardener than a groom), walked round and round with mystified dignity, +sacréing and muttering, "Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas," as anyone +approached who seemed likely to ask questions. Mr. Jorrocks, having well +ascertained the importance of his hat and feather, pushed his way with +the greatest coolness into the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse +and see whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and the stud-groom +immediately took off his lavender-coloured foraging cap, and made two +profound salaams, one to the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr. +Jorrocks, all politeness, took off his _chapeau_, and no sooner was it +in the air, than with a wild exclamation of surprise and delight, the +groom screamed, "Oh, Monsieur Shorrock, mon ami, comment vous portez +vous?" threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed him on each +cheek. + +"Hold!" roared the Colonel, half smothered in the embrace, and +disengaging himself he drew back a few paces, putting his hand on the +hilt of his sword, when in the training groom of Paris he recognised his +friend the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the incident disarmed +Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being a man of impulse and warm +affections, he at once forgave the novelty of the embrace, and most +cordially joined hands with those of his friend. They then struck up a +mixture of broken English and equally broken French, in mutual inquiries +after each other's healths and movements, and presuming that Mr. +Jorrocks was following up the sporting trade in Paris, the Baron most +considerately gave him his best recommendations which horse to back, +kindly betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, at each time +assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. At length, being completely +cleaned out, he declined any further transactions, and having got the +Countess into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself, when +someone took him by the sword as he was hoisting himself up by the +wooden apron, and drew him back to the ground. "Holloa, Stubbs, my +boy!" cried he, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out his hand, and +thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the Countess. "Well now, the +deuce be in these French," observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an +undertone as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm through +the Yorkshireman's and drew out of hearing of the Countess behind the +cab--"the deuce be in them. I say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met +at Newmarket has just diddled me out of four Naps and a half, by getting +me to back 'osses that he said were certain to win, and I really don't +know how we are to make 'tongue and buckle' meet, as the coachmen say. +Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. Cards, dominoes, dice, +backgammon, and racing, all one--they inwariably beat me, and I declare +I haven't as much pewter as will coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, +as may be supposed, was not in a condition of any great pecuniary +assistance, but after a turn or two along the mound, he felt it would +be a reproach on his country if he suffered his friend to be done by +a Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a trick that Monsieur +would not be up to. Accordingly, desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to +the Baron, and behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal +he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, who, after some +trouble, they discovered in the "Cottage of Content," entertaining John +Jones and his comrades with an account of the manner in which he had +fleeced Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshireman met him with the greatest +delight, shook hands with him over and over again, and then began +talking about racing, pigeon-shooting, and Newmarket, pretended to be +full of money, and very anxious for the Baron's advice in laying it out. +On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him to retire, and joining him in +the avenue, walked him up and down, while he recommended his backing a +horse that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman consented, lost a Nap +with great good humour, and banteringly told the Baron he thought he +could beat the horse on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing and +at last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. Jorrocks would run +fifty yards with him on his back, before the Baron would run a hundred. +Upon this the Baron scratched his head and looked very knowing, +pretended to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman affected fear, +and professed his readiness to withdraw the offer. The Baron then +plucked up his courage, and after some haggling, the match was made for +six Naps, the Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might have ten francs in +addition to what he had won of Mr. Jorrocks and himself. The money was +then deposited in the hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went the +trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and ropes to measure and +keep the ground. The English jockeys and lads, though ready enough to +pigeon a countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting a foreigner +to do so, unless they share in the spoil, and the Baron being a +notorious screw, they all seemed heartily glad to find him in a trap. +Out then they all sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while John Jones, +with a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded to measure a hundred yards along +the low side of the mound. This species of amusement being far more in +accordance with the taste of the French than anything in which horses +are concerned, an immense mob flocked to the scene, and the Baron +having explained how it was, and being considered a safe man to follow, +numerous offers were made to bet against the performance of the match. +The Yorkshireman being a youth of discretion and accustomed to bet among +strangers, got on five Naps more with different parties, who to "prevent +accidents" submitted to deposit the money with the Countess, and all +things being adjusted, and the course cleared by a picket of infantry, +Mr. Jorrocks ungirded his sword, and depositing it with his frock-coat +in the cab, walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start. "Now, +Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him to the mound, so that he +might leap on without shaking him, "put your best leg first, and it's a +hollow thing; if you don't fall, you must win,"--and thereupon taking +Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather from his head, he put it sideways +on his own, so that he might not be recognised, and mounted his man. Mr. +Jorrocks then took his place as directed by John Jones, and at a signal +from him--the dropping of a blue cotton handkerchief--away they started +amid the shouts, the clapping of hands, and applause of the spectators, +who covered the mound and lined the course on either side. Mr. +Jorrocks's action was not very capital, his jack-boots and leathers +rather impeding his limbs, while the Baron had as little on him as +decency would allow. The Yorkshireman feeling his man rather roll at the +start, again cautioned him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards he +got into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron came tearing along +like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks had full two yards to spare, +and ran past the soldier, who stood with his cap on his bayonet as +a winning-post, amid the applause of his backers, the yells of his +opponents, and the general acclamation of the spectators. + +The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, had dispatched +Agamemnon early in the day for a chaplet of red-and-yellow immortelles, +and having switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, she +gracefully descended, without showing more of her foot and ankle than +was strictly correct, and decorated his brow with the wreath, as the +Yorkshireman dismounted. Enthusiasm being always the order of the day in +France, this act was greeted with the loudest acclamations, and, without +giving him time to recover his wind, the populace bundled Mr. Jorrocks +neck and shoulders into the cab, and seizing the old horse by the head, +paraded him down the entire length of the Champ de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks +bowing and kissing his hands to the assembled multitude, in return +for the vivas! the clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and +handkerchiefs that greeted him as he went. + +Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country more fickle than +in France. Ere the procession reached the end of the dusty plain, the +mob had tailed off very considerably, and as the leader of the old white +horse pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the distance, +caused by the apprehension of a couple of pickpockets, drew away the few +followers that remained, and the recently applauded and belauded Mr. +Jorrocks was left alone in his glory. He then pulled up, and taking +the chaplet of immortelles from his brow, thrust it under the driving +cushion of the cab, and proceeded to reinstate himself in his tight +military frock, re-gird himself with his sword, and resume the cocked +hat and feather. + +Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, and, had a pen and +ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would have endorsed him a bill for any +amount. Having completed his toilette he gave the Yorkshireman the +vacant seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the ears with +the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up the line he had recently +passed in triumphal procession, and wormed his way among the crowd in +search of the Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of her, +and after driving about, and poking his way on foot into all the crowds +he could find, bolting up to every lady in blue, he looked at his great +double-cased gold repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and +recollecting the fźte of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship must have +gone on, and Agamemnon being anxious to see it, of course was of the +same opinion; so, again flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut +away down the Champ de Mars, and by the direction of Agamemnon crossed +the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, and gained the route to Versailles. + +Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the road swarmed with +voitures of every description, diligences, gondoles, co-cous, cabs, +fiacres, omnibuses, dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, +occasionally interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light English +cab or tilbury, drawn by a thoroughbred, and driven by a dandy. The +spirit of the old white horse even seemed roused as he got among the +carriages and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of bells +round the necks of other horses, and he applied himself to the shafts +with a vigour his enfeebled-looking frame appeared incapable of +supplying. So they trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's +pace after they got into close line, they reached the porte Maillot, +and resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, Mr. Jorrocks got +himself brushed over by one of the gentry who ply in that profession at +all public places, and tucking his sword under one arm, he thrust the +other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-Bull-like, strutted up the long +broad grass avenue, through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud, as if +all he saw belonged to himself. The scene was splendid, and nature, art, +and the weather appeared confederated for effect. On the lofty heights +arose the stately place, looking down with placid grandeur on the full +foliage of the venerable trees, over the beautiful gardens, the spouting +fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay and countless myriads that +swarmed the avenues, while the circling river flowed calmly on, without +a ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of trumpets, the +clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums, that rent the air around. + +Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every description--wild +beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and monsters, while in +spots sheltered from the sun by lofty trees were dancing-places, +swings, roundabouts, archery-butts, pistol-ranges, ball-kicking and +head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants of fairs +and fźtes--beating "Bartlemy Fair," as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, +"all to nothing." + +The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in such a multitude was very +remote indeed, but, to tell the truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought +of her, until having eat a couple of cold fowls and drank a bottle of +porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for his purse, and +remembered it was in her keeping. Mr. Stubbs, however, settled the +account, and in high glee Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, +visiting first one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, then +dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short before a splendid +green-and-gold roundabout, whose magic circle contained two lions, two +swans, two black horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. "Let's have a ride," +said he, jumping on to one of the black horses and adjusting the +stirrups to his length. The party was soon made up, and as the last +comer crossed his tiger, the engine was propelled by the boys in the +centre, and away they went at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr. Jorrocks +lost his head, turned completely giddy, and bellowed out to them to +stop. They took no heed--all the rest were used to it--and after divers +yells and ineffectual efforts to dismount, he fell to the ground like a +sack. The machine was in full work at the time, and swept round three or +four times before they could stop it. At last Mr. Stubbs got to him, +and a pitiable plight he was in. He had fallen on his head, broken his +feather, crushed his chapeau bras, lost off his mustachios, was as pale +as death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident happened near the +gate leading to the town of St. Cloud, and thither, with the aid of two +gendarmes, Mr. Stubbs conveyed the fallen hero, and having put him to +bed at the Hōtel d'Angleterre, he sent for a "médecin," who of course +shook his head, looked very wise, ordered him to drink warm water--a +never-failing specific in France--and keep quiet. Finding he had an +Englishman for a patient, the "médecin" dropped in every two hours, +always concluding with the order "encore l'eau chaud." A good sleep did +more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, and when the "médecin" called +in the morning, and repeated the injunction "encore l'eau chaud," he +bellowed out, "Cuss your _l'eau chaud_, my stomach ain't a reserwoir! +Give me some wittles!" The return of his appetite being a most +favourable symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged the doctor, and forthwith +ordered a _déjeuner ą la fourchette_, to which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty +fair justice, though trifling in comparison with his usual performances. +They then got into a Versailles diligence that stopped at the door, and +rattling along at a merry pace, very soon reached Paris and the Rue des +Mauvais-Garēons. + +"Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks as they arrived at the +bottom of the flight of dirty stairs, and, with his hands behind his +back and his sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and opening +the outer door entered the apartment. He passed through the small +ante-room without observing his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, +and there being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he walked +forward into the bedroom beyond. + +Before an English fire-place that Mr. Jorrocks himself had been at the +expense of providing, snugly ensconced in the luxurious depths of a +well-cushioned easy chair, sat a monstrous man with a green patch on his +right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey woollen dressing-gown, +and black silk nightcap, puffing away at a long meerschaum pipe, with +a figure of Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected Mr. Jorrocks +started back, but the smoker seemed quite unconcerned, and casting an +unmeaning grey eye at the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from +his mouth. + +"How now!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a rage, which caused the +monster to start upon his legs as though he were galvanised. "Vot brings +you here?" + +"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker, opening his eye a little +wider, and taking the pipe from his mouth. "Speak English, you fool," +bawled Mr. Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschämt" (you are very +impudent), replied the Dutchman with a thump on the table. "I'll run +you through the gizzard!" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, half drawing his +sword,--"skin you alive, in fact!" when in rushed the Countess and threw +herself between them. + +Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of Flushing, was an old friend +of the Countess's, and an exceedingly good paying one, and having cast +up that morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence from Dunkirk, +and the Countess being enraged at Mr. Jorrocks for not sharing the +honours of his procession in the cab on the previous day, and believing, +moreover, that his treasury was pretty well exhausted, thought she could +not do better than instal Rosembom in his place, and retain the stakes +she held for the Colonel's board and lodging. + +This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving Rosembom, who was +not a much better Frenchman than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the +room would be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon was ordered to bundle +Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau and bag, and place them in +readiness in the ante-room. Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then +retired to enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went to the +Marche St. Honoré to buy some sour crout, roast beef, and prunes for his +dinner. + +"Turn this great slush-bucket out of my room!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as +the Countess rushed into his apartment. "Vot's he doing here?" + +"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clapping him on the back, "he +sall be my brodder." "Never such a thing!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing +him as he spoke. "Never such a thing! no more than myself--out with him, +I say, or I'll cut my stick--_toute suite--_directly!" + +"Avec tout mon coeur!" replied the Countess, her choler rising as she +spoke. "You're another," rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner +that she called him something offensive--"Vous źte one mauvaise woman!" +"Monsieur," said the Countess, her eyes flashing as she spoke, "vous +źtes un polisson!--von rascal!--von dem villain!--un charlatan!--von +nasty--bastely--ross bif!--dem dog!" and thereupon she curled her +fingers and set her teeth on edge as though she would tear his very eyes +out. Rosembom, though he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, +exchanged his pipe for the poker, so what with this, the sword, and the +nails, things wore a very belligerent aspect. + +Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess, still keeping up the +semblance of her rage, ordered them to quit her apartment directly, or +she would have recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs was +quite agreeable to go, but he hinted that she might as well hand over +the stakes that had been entrusted to her keeping on the previous day, +upon which she again indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore they were +a couple of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her far more than the +amount for board and lodging. This made the Colonel stare, for on the +supposition that he was a visitor, he had been firing away his money in +all directions, playing at everything she proposed, buying her bonnets, +Perigord pies, hiring remises, and committing every species of +extravagance, and now to be charged for what he thought was pure +friendship, disgusted him beyond expression. + +The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the man of letters of the +establishment, and with his aid drew Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he +described as "reaching down each side of his body and round his waist," +commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then proceeding in the daily +routine of café, 1 franc; déjeuner ą la fourchette, 5 francs; diner +avec vin, 10 francs; tea, 1 franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2 francs; +appartement, 3 francs; running him up a bill of 700 francs; and when Mr. +Stubbs remonstrated on the exorbitance of the charges, she replied, "It +sall be, sare, as small monnaie as sail be consistent avec my dignified +respectability, you to charge." + +There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs paid the balance, +while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the duplicity of the Countess, the +impudence of Rosembom, and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted away +without saying a word. + +That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from the capital, with two +cold fowls, three-quarters of a yard of bread, and a bottle of porter, +for Mr. Jorrocks on the journey, and ere another sun went down, the +sandy suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her ramparts, and +rumbling over the drawbridges and under the portcullis, that guard the +entrance to her gloomy town. Calais! cold, cheerless, lifeless Calais! +Whose soul has ever warmed as it approached thy town? but how many +hearts have turned with sickening sorrow from the mirthless tinkling of +thy bells! + +"We'll not stay here long I guess," said Mr. Jorrocks as the diligence +pulled up at the post-office, and the conducteur requested the +passengers to descend. "That's optional," said a bystander, who was +waiting for his letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air as much as +to say, what a rum-looking fellow you are, and not without reason, for +the Colonel was attired in a blue sailor's jacket, white leathers, +and jack-boots, with the cocked hat and feather. The speaker was a +middle-aged, middle-statured man, with a quick intelligent eye, dressed +in a single-breasted green riding-coat, striped toilinette waistcoat, +and drab trousers, with a whip in his hand. "Thank you for nothing!" +replied Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker +turned to the clerk and asked if there were any letters for Monsieur +Apperley or Nimrod. "NIMROD!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his +knees as though he were shot. "Oh my vig what have I done? Oh dear! oh +dear! what a dumbfounderer--flummoxed I declare!" + +"Hold up! old 'un," said Nimrod in astonishment; "why, what's the matter +now? You don't owe me anything I dare say!" + +"Owe you anything! yes, I does," said Mr. Jorrocks, rising from +the ground, "I owes you a debt of gratitude that I can never wipe +off--you'll be in the day-book and ledger of my memory for ever and a +year." + +"Who are you?" inquired Nimrod, becoming more and more puzzled, as he +contrasted his dialect with his dress. + +"Who am I? Why, I'm Mister Jorrocks." + +"Jorrocks, by Jove! Who'd have thought it! I declare I took you for +a horse-marine. Give us your hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your +acquaintance." + +"Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you the werry first man +of the age!"--and thereupon they shook hands with uncommon warmth. + +"You've been in Paris, I suppose," resumed Nimrod, after their +respective digits were released; "were you much gratified with what you +saw? What pleased you most--the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, +Pčre la Chaise, Notre Dame, or what?" + +"Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may seem, I saw nothing +but the Tuileries and Naughty Dame.--I may say a werry naughty dame, for +she fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump to carry me home." + +"What, you've been among the ladies, have you? That's gay for a man at +your time of life." + +"Yes, I certainlie have been among the ladies,--countesses I may +say--but, dash my vig, they are a rum set, and made me pay for their +acquaintance. The Countess Benwolio certainlie is a bad 'un." + +"Oh, the deuce!--did that old devil catch you?" inquired Nimrod. + +"Vot, do you know her?" + +"Know her! ay--everybody here knows her with her black boy. She's always +on the road, and lives now by the flats she catches between Paris and +the coast. She was an agent for Morison's Pills--but having a fractious +Scotch lodger that she couldn't get out, she physicked him so dreadfully +that he nearly died, and the police took her licence away. But you are +hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, come to my house and spend the evening, and tell +me all about your travels." + +Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just learned that the +London packet sailed in an hour, so the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts's, +Royal Hotel, where over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their +acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod was to be in England +the following week, insisted upon his naming a day for dining in Great +Coram Street. + +"Permits" to embark having been considerately granted "gratis" by the +Government for a franc apiece, at the hour of ten our travellers stepped +on board, and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up in his martial +cloak, laid down in the cabin and, like Ulysses in Ithaca, as Nimrod +would say, "arrived in London Asleep." + + + +XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE" + +_(In a very "Familiar Letter" to Nimrod)_ + +DEAR NIMROD, + +You have favoured myself, and the sporting world at large, with a werry +rich high-flavoured account of the great Captain Barclay, and his +extonishing coach, the "Defiance"; and being werry grateful to you for +that and all other favours, past, present, and to come, I take up my +grey goose quill to make it "obedient to my will," as Mr. Pope, the +poet, says, in relating a werry gratifying ride I had on the celebrated +"Brighton Age," along with Sir Wincent Cotton, Bart., and a few other +swells. Being, as you knows, of rather an emigrating disposition, and +objecting to make a nick-stick of my life by marking down each Christmas +Day over roast-beef and plum pudding, cheek-by-jowl with Mrs. J---- +at home, I said unto my lad Binjimin--and there's not a bigger rogue +unhung--"Binjimin, be after looking out my Sunday clothes, and run down +to the Regent Circus, and book me the box-seat of the 'Age,' for +I'm blow'd if I'm not going to see the King at Brighton (or +'London-sur-Mary,' as James Green calls it), and tell the pig-eyed +book-keeper it's for Mr. Jorrocks, and you'll be sure to get it." + +Accordingly, next day, I put in my appearance at the Circus, dressed in +my best blue Saxony coat, with metal buttons, yellow waistcoat, tights, +and best Hessians, with a fine new castor on my head, and a carnation +in my button-hole. Lots of chaps came dropping in to go, and every one +wanted the box-seat. "Can I have the box-seat?" said one.--"No, sir; Mr. +Jorrocks has it." "Is the box-seat engaged?" asked another.--"Yes, sir; +Mr. Jorrocks has taken it." "Book me the box," said a third with great +dignity.--"It's engaged already." "Who by?"--"Mr. Jorrocks"; and so they +went on to the tune of near a dozen. Presently a rattling of pole chains +was heard, and a cry was raised of "Here's Sir Wincent!" I looks out, +and saw a werry neat, dark, chocolate-coloured coach, with narrow +red-striped wheels, and a crest, either a heagle or a unicorn (I forgets +which), on the door, and just the proprietors' names below the winder, +and "The Age," in large gilt letters, below the gammon board, drawn +by four blood-like, switch-tailed nags, in beautiful highly polished +harness with brass furniture, without bearing reins--driven by a +swellish-looking young chap, in a long-backed, rough, claret-coloured +benjamin, with fancy-coloured tyes, and a bunch of flowers in his +button-hole--no coachman or man of fashion, as you knows, being complete +without the flower. There was nothing gammonacious about the turn-out; +all werry neat and 'andsome, but as plain as plain could be; and there +was not even a bit of Christmas at the 'orses' ears, which I observed +all the other coaches had. Well, down came Sir Wincent, off went his +hat, out came the way-bill, and off he ran into the office to see what +they had for him. "Here, coachman," says a linen-draper's "elegant +extract," waiting outside, "you've to deliver this (giving him a parcel) +in the Marine Parade the instant you get to Brighton. It's Miss---- 's +bustle, and she'll be waiting for it to put on to go out to dinner, so +you musn't lose a moment, and you may charge what you like for your +trouble." "Werry well," says Sir Wincent, laughing, "I'll take care of +her bustle. Now, book-keeper, be awake. Three insides here, and six +out. Pray, sir," touching his hat to me, "are you booked here? Oh! Mr. +Jorrocks, I see. I begs your pardon. Jump up, then; be lively! what +luggage have you?" "Two carpet-bags, with J. J., Great Coram Street, +upon them." "There, then we'll put them in the front boot, and you'll +have them under you. All right behind? Sit tight!" Hist! off we go by +St. Mertain's Church into the Strand, to the booking-office there. + +The streets were werry full, but Sir Wincent wormed his way among the +coal-wagons, wans, busses, coaches, bottom-over-tops,--in wulgar French, +"cow sur tate," as they calls the new patent busses--trucks, cabs, &c., +in a marvellous workmanlike manner, which seemed the more masterly, +inasmuch as the leaders, having their heads at liberty, poked them about +in all directions, all a mode Francey, just as they do in Paris. At the +Marsh gate we were stopped. A black job was going through on one side, +and a haw-buck had drawn a great yellow one 'oss Gravesend cruelty wan +into the other, and was fumbling for his coin. + +"Now, Young Omnibus!" cried Sir Wincent, "don't be standing there all +day." The man cut into his nag, but the brute was about beat. "There, +don't 'it him so 'ard (hard)," said Sir Wincent, "or you may hurt him!" + +When we got near the Helephant and Castle, Timothy Odgkinson, of Brixton +Hill, a low, underselling grocer, got his measly errand cart, with his +name and address in great staring white letters, just in advance of the +leaders, and kept dodging across the road to get the sound ground, +for the whole line was werry "woolley" as you calls it. "Come, Mister +independent grocer! go faster if you can," cries Sir Wincent, "though I +think you have bought your horse where you buy your tea, for he's werry +sloe." A little bit farther on a chap was shoving away at a truck full +of market-baskets. "Now, Slavey," said he, "keep out of my way!" At the +Helephant and Castle, and, indeed, wherever he stopped, there were lots +of gapers assembled to see the Baronet coachman, but Sir Wincent never +minded them, but bustled about with his way-bill, and shoved in his +parcels, fish-baskets, and oyster-barrels like a good 'un. We pulled up +to grub at the Feathers at Merstham, and 'artily glad I was, for I was +far on to famish, having ridden whole twenty-five miles in a cold, +frosty air without morsel of wittles of any sort. When the Bart. pulled +up, he said, "Now, ladies and gentlemen--twenty minutes allowed here, +and let me adwise you to make the most of it." I took the 'int, and heat +away like a regular bagman, who can always dispatch his ducks and green +peas in ten minutes. + +We started again, and about one hundred yards below the pike stood a lad +with a pair of leaders to clap on, for the road, as I said before, was +werry woolley. "Now, you see, Mr. Jorrocks," said Sir Wincent, "I do old +Pikey by having my 'osses on this side. The old screw drew me for four +shillings one day for my leaders, two each way, so, says I, 'My covey, +if you don't draw it a little milder, I'll send my 'osses from the +stable through my friend Sir William Jolliffe's fields to the other side +of your shop,' and as he wouldn't, you see here they are, and he gets +nothing." + +The best of company, they say, must part, and Baronets "form no +exception to the rule," as I once heard Dr. Birkbeck say. About a mile +below the halfway 'ouse another coach hove in sight, and each pulling +up, they proved to be as like each other as two beans, and beneath a +mackintosh, like a tent cover, I twigged my friend Brackenbury's jolly +phiz. "How are you, Jorrocks?" and "How are you, Brack?" flew across +like billiard-balls, while Sir Wincent, handing me the ribbons, said, +"Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all a good morning and a pleasant +ride," and Brack having done the same by his coach and passengers, +the two heroes met on terry firmey, as we say in France, to exchange +way-bills and directions about parcels. "Now," said Sir Wincent, "you'll +find Miss----'s bustle under the front seat--send it off to the Marine +Parade the instant you get in, for she wants it to make herself up +to-night for a party." "By Jove, that's lucky," said Brackenbury, "for +I'll be hanged if I haven't got old Lady----'s false dinner-set of +ivories in my waistcoat pocket, which I should have forgot if you hadn't +mentioned t'other things, and then the old lady would have lost her +blow-out this Christmas. Here they are," handing out a small box, "and +mind you leave them yourself, for they tell me they are costly, being +all fixed in coral, with gold springs, and I don't know what--warranted +to eat of themselves, they say." "She has lost her modesty with her +teeth, it seems," said Sir Wincent. "Old women ought to be ashamed to be +seen out of their graves after their grinders are gone. I'll pound it +the old tabby carn't be under one hundred. But quick! who does that +d----d parrot and the cock-a-too belong to that you've got stuck up +there? and look, there's a canary and all! I'll be d----d if you don't +bring me a coach loaded like Wombwell's menagerie every day! Well, be +lively! 'Twill be all the same one hundred years hence.--All right? Sit +tight! Good night!" + +"Well, Mr. Jorrocks, it's long since we met," said Brackenbury, looking +me over--"never, I think, since I showed you way over the Weald of +Sussex from Torrington Wood, on the gallant wite with the Colonel's +'ounds! Ah, those were rare days, Mr. Jorrocks! we shall never see their +like again! But you're looking fresh. Time lays a light hand on your +bearing-reins! I hope it will be long ere you are booked by the +Gravesend Buss. You don't lush much, I fancy?" added he, putting a +lighted cigar in his mouth. "Yes, I does," said I--"a good deal; but +I tells you what, Brackenbury, I doesn't fumigate none--it's the +fumigation that does the mischief," and thereupon we commenced a +hargument on the comparitive mischief of smoking and drinking, which +ended without either being able to convince the other. "Well, at all +events, you gets beefey, Brackenbury," said I; "you must be a couple of +stone heavier than when we used to talliho the 'ounds together. I think +I could lead you over the Weald now, at all ewents if the fences were +out of the way," for I must confess that Brack was always a terrible +chap at the jumps, and could go where few would follow. + +We did the journey within the six hours--werry good work, considering +the load and the state of the roads. No coach like the "Age"--in my +opinion. I was so werry much pleased with Brack's driving, that I +presented him with a four-in-hand whip. + +I put up at Jonathan Boxall's, the Star and Garter, one of the +pleasantest and best-conducted houses in all Brighton. It is close to +the sea, and just by Mahomed, the sham-poor's shop. I likes Jonathan, +for he is a sportsman, and we spin a yarn together about 'unting, and +how he used to ride over the moon when he whipped in to St. John, in +Berkshire. But it's all talk with Jonathan now, for he's more like a +stranded grampus now than a fox-hunter. In course I brought down a pair +of kickseys and pipe-cases, intending to have a round with the old +muggers, but the snow put a stop to all that. I heard, however, that +both the Telscombe Tye and the Devil's Dike dogs had been running their +half-crown rounds after hares, some of which ended in "captures," others +in "escapes," as the newspapers terms them. I dined at the Albion on +Christmas Day, and most misfortunately, my appetite was ready before the +joints, so I had to make my dinner off Mary Ann cutlets, I think they +call them, that is to say, chops screwed up in large curl papers, and +such-like trifles. I saw some chaps drinking small glasses of stuff, so +I asked the waiter what it was, and, thinking he said "Elixir of Girls," +I banged the table, and said, "Elixir of Girls! that's the stuff for my +money--give me a glass." The chap laughed, and said, "Not Girls, sir, +but Garus"; and thereupon he gave another great guffaw. + +It is a capital coffee-room, full of winders, and finely-polished +tables, waiters in silk stockings, and they give spermaceti cheese, and +burn Parmesan candles. The chaps in it, however, were werry unsociable, +and there wasn't a man there that I would borrow half a crown to get +drunk with. Stickey is the landlord, but he does not stick it in so deep +as might be expected from the looks of the house, and the cheese and +candles considered. It was a most tempestersome night, and, having eaten +and drank to completion, I determined to go and see if my aunt, in +Cavendish Street, was alive; and after having been nearly blown out to +France several times, I succeeded in making my point and running to +ground. The storm grew worser and worser, and when I came to open the +door to go away, I found it blocked with snow, and the drifts whirling +about in all directions. My aunt, who is a werry feeling woman, insisted +on my staying all night, which only made the matter worse, for when I +came to look out in the morning I found the drift as high as the +first floor winder, and the street completely buried in snow. Having +breakfasted, and seeing no hopes of emancipation, I hangs out a flag of +distress--a red wipe--which, after flapping about for some time, drew +three or four sailors and a fly-man or two. I explained from the winder +how dreadfully I was situated, prayed of them to release me, but the +wretches did nothing but laugh, and ax wot I would give to be out. At +last one of them, who acted as spokesman, proposed that I should put +an armchair out of the winder, and pay them five shillings each for +carrying me home on their shoulders. It seemed a vast of money, but the +storm continuing, the crowd increasing, and I not wishing to kick up +a row at my aunt's, after offering four and sixpence, agreed to their +terms, and throwing out a chair, plumped up to the middle in a drift. +Three cheers followed the feat, which drew all the neighbours to the +winders, when about half a dozen fellows, some drunk, some sober, and +some half-and-half, pulled me into the chair, hoisted me on to their +shoulders, and proceeded into St. James's Street, bellowing out, "Here's +the new member for Brighton! Here's the boy wot sleeps in Cavendish +Street! Huzzah, the old 'un for ever! There's an elegant man for a +small tea-party! Who wants a fat chap to send to their friends this +Christmas?" The noise they made was quite tremendious, and the snow in +many places being up to their middles, we made werry slow progress, but +still they would keep me in the chair, and before we got to the end of +the street the crowd had increased to some hundreds. Here they began +snow-balling, and my hat and wig soon went flying, and then there was a +fresh holloa. "Here's Mr. Wigney, the member for Brighton," they cried +out; "I say, old boy, are you for the ballot? You must call on the King +this morning; he wants to give you a Christmas-box." Just then one of +the front bearers tumbled, and down we all rolled into a drift, just +opposite Daly's backey shop. There were about twenty of us in together, +but being pretty near the top, I was soon on my legs, and seeing +an opening, I bolted right forward--sent three or four fellows +flying--dashed down the passage behind Saxby's wine vaults, across the +Steyne, floundering into the drifts, followed by the mob, shouting and +pelting me all the way. This double made some of the beggars over-shoot +the mark, and run past the statute of George the Fourth, but, seeing +their mistake, or hearing the other portion of the pack running in the +contrary direction, they speedily joined heads and tails, and gave me a +devil of a burst up the narrow lane by the Wite 'Orse 'Otel. Fortunately +Jonathan Boxall's door was open, and Jonathan himself in the passage +bar, washing some decanters. "Look sharp, Jonathan!" said I, dashing +past him as wite as a miller, "look sharp! come out of that, and +be after clapping your great carcase against the door to keep the +Philistines out, or they'll be the death of us both." Quick as thought +the door was closed and bolted before ever the leaders had got up, but, +finding this the case, the mob halted and proceeded to make a deuce of a +kick-up before the house, bellowing and shouting like mad fellows, and +threatening to pull it down if I did not show. Jonathan got narvous, +and begged and intreated me to address them. I recommended him to do it +himself, but he said he was quite unaccustomed to public speaking, and +he would stand two glasses of "cold without" if I would. "Hot with," +said I, "and I'll do it." "Done," said he, and he knocked the snow off +my coat, pulled my wig straight, and made me look decent, and took me +to a bow-winder'd room on the first floor, threw up; the sash, and +exhibited me to the company outside. I bowed and kissed my hand like a +candidate. They cheered and shouted, and then called for silence whilst; +I addressed them. "Gentlemen," said I, "Who are you?" "Why, we be the +men wot carried your honour's glory from Cavendish Street, and wants to +be paid for it."; "Gentlemen," said I, "I'm no orator, but I'm a honest +man; I pays everybody twenty shillings in the pound. and no mistake +(cheers). If you had done your part of the bargain, I would have done +mine, but 'ow can you expect to be paid after spilling me? This is a +most inclement day, and, whatever you may say to the contrary, I'm not +Mr. Clement Wigney."--"No, nor Mr. Faithful neither," bellowed one +of the bearers.--said I, "you'll get the complaints of the season, +chilblains and influhensa, if you stand dribbling there in the snow. Let +me advise you to mizzle, for, if you don't, I'm blowed if I don't divide +a whole jug of cold water equally amongst you. Go home to your wives and +children, and don't be after annoying an honest, independent, amiable +publican, like Jonathan Boxall. That's all I've got to say, and if I was +to talk till I'm black in the face, I couldn't say nothing more to +the purpose; so, I wishes you all 'A Merry Christmas and an 'Appy New +Year.'" + +But I'm fatiguing you, Mr. Nimrod, with all this, which is only +hinteresting to the parties concerned, so will pass on to other topics. +I saw the King riding in his coach with his Sunday coat on. He looked +werry well, but his nose was rather blueish at the end, a sure sign that +he is but a mortal, and feels the cold just like any other man. The +Queen did not show, but I saw some of her maids of honour, who made me +think of the Richmond cheesecakes. There were a host of pretty ladies, +and the cold gave a little colour to their noses, too, which, I think, +improved their appearance wastly, for I've always remarked that your +ladies of quality are rather pasty, and do not generally show their high +blood in their cheeks and noses. I'm werry fond of looking at pretty +girls, whether maids of 'onour or maids of all work. + +The storm stopped all wisiting, and even the Countess of Winterton's +ball was obliged to be put off. Howsomever, that did not interfere at +all with Jonathan Boxall and me, except that it, perhaps, made us take +a bottom of brandy more than usual, particularly after Jonathan had run +over again one of his best runs. + +Now, dear Nimrod, adieu. Whenever you comes over to England, I shall be +werry 'appy to see you in Great Coram Street, where dinner is on the +table punctually at five on week days, and four on Sundays; and with +best regards to Mrs. Nimrod, and all the little Nimrods, + +I remain, for Self and Co., yours to serve, + +JOHN JORROCKS. + + + +XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY + +The general postman had given the final flourish to his bell, and the +muffin-girl had just begun to tinkle hers, when a capacious yellow +hackney-coach, with a faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down +Great Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door. + +Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the area bell, after giving +the usual three knocks and a half to the brass lion's head on the door, +it was opened by the boy Benjamin in a new drab coat, with a blue +collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, and black +velveteen breeches, with well-darned white cotton stockings. + +The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, where he had been +acting the part of butler, for which purpose he had put off his coat and +appeared in his shirtsleeves, dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze +silk stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with a frill as +large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and corkscrew to Betsey, he +shuffled himself into a smart new blue saxony coat with velvet collar +and metal buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the arrivers. + +"Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so 'appy to see you--so +werry 'appy you carn't think," holding out both hands to the foremost, +who happened to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I declare +it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod? Most proud to see you at +my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, my boy, 'ow do you do? Never knew you late +in my life," giving him a hearty slap on the back. "Mr. Spiers, I'm +werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting publisher ought to +be--punctuality itself. Now, gentlemen, dispose of your tiles, and come +upstairs to Mrs. J----, and let's get you introduced." "I fear we are +late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed Nimrod, advancing past the staircase end +to hang up his hat on a line of pegs against the wall. + +"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks--"not a bit of it--quite the +contrary--you are the first, in fact!" + +"Indeed!" replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of hats by where he +stood--"why here are as many hats as would set up a shop. I really +thought I'd got into Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake!" + +"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Happerley, werry good indeed--I owes you +one." + +"I thought it was a castor-oil mill," rejoined Mr. Spiers. + +"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry good indeed--owes you one +also--but I see what you're driving at. You think these hats have a +coconut apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing I assure you; +no such thing. The fact is, they are what I've won at warious times of +the members of our hunt, and as I've got you great sporting coves dining +with me, I'm a-going to set them out on my sideboard, just as racing +gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you know. Binjimin! I say, +Binjimin! you blackguard," holloaing down the kitchen stairs, "why don't +you set out the castors as I told you? and see you brush them well!" +"Coming, sir, coming, sir!" replied Benjamin, from below, who at that +moment was busily engaged, taking advantage of Betsey's absence, in +scooping marmalade out of a pot with his thumb. "There's a good lot of +them," said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, "four, six, eight, +ten, twelve, thirteen--all trophies of sporting prowess. Real good hats. +None o' your nasty gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile!" said +he, balancing a nice new white one with green rims on the tip of his +finger. "I won that in a most miraculous manner. A most wonderful +way, in fact. I was driving to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled +one-'oss chay, and just as I got to Lilleywhite, the blacksmith's, +below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain--a 'gulph' I may call +it--across the road for the purpose of repairing the gas-pipe--I was +rayther late as it was, for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was +nothing for me but either to go a mile and a half about, or drive slap +over the gulph. Well, I looked at it, and the more I looked at it the +less I liked it; but just as I was thinking I had seen enough of it, and +was going to turn away, up tools Timothy Truman in his buggy, and he, +too, began to crane and look into the abyss--and a terrible place it +was, I assure you--quite frightful, and he liked it no better than +myself. Seeing this, I takes courage, and said, 'Why, Tim, your 'oss +will do it!' 'Thank'e, Mr. J----,' said he, 'I'll follow you.' 'Then,' +said I, 'if you'll change wehicles'--for, mind ye, I had no notion of +damaging my own--'I'll bet you a hat I gets over.' 'Done,' said he, and +out he got; so I takes his 'oss by the head, looses the bearing-rein, +and leading him quietly up to the place and letting him have a look at +it, gave him a whack over the back, and over he went, gig and all, as +clever as could be!" + +_Stubbs_. Well done, Mr. J----, you are really a most wonderful man! You +have the most extraordinary adventures of any man breathing--but what +did you do with your own machine? + +_Jorrocks_. Oh! you see, I just turned round to Binjimin, who was with +me, and said, You may go home, and, getting into Timothy's buggy, I had +my ride for nothing, and the hat into the bargain. A nice hat it is +too--regular beaver--a guinea's worth at least. All true what I've told +you, isn't it, Binjimin? + +"Quite!" replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to his nose, and spreading +his fingers like a fan as he slunk behind his master. + +"But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, "let's be after going +upstairs.--Binjimin, announce the gentlemen as your missis taught you. +Open the door with your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, to +let the company see the point to make up to." + +The party ascend the stairs one at a time, for the flight is narrow and +rather abrupt, and Benjamin, obeying his worthy master's injunctions, +threw open the front drawing-room door, and discovered Mrs. Jorrocks +sitting in state at a round table, with annuals and albums spread at +orthodox distances around. The possession of this room had long been a +bone of contention between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but at length +they had accommodated matters by Mr. Jorrocks gaining undivided +possession of the back drawing-room (communicating by folding-doors), +with the run of the front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on non-company +days. A glance, however, showed which was the master's and which the +mistress's room. The front one was papered with weeping willows, bending +under the weight of ripe cherries on a white ground, and the chair +cushions were covered with pea-green cotton velvet with yellow worsted +bindings. + +The round table was made of rosewood, and there was a "whatnot" on +the right of the fire-place of similar material, containing a +handsomely-bound collection of Sir Walter Scott's Works, in wood. The +carpet-pattern consisted of most dashing bouquets of many-coloured +flowers, in winding French horns on a very light drab ground, so light, +indeed, that Mr. Jorrocks was never allowed to tread upon it except in +pumps or slippers. The bell-pulls were made of foxes' brushes, and in +the frame of the looking-glass, above the white marble mantelpiece, +were stuck visiting-cards, notes of invitation, thanks for "obliging +inquiries," etc. The hearth-rug exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with +pink eyes, on a blue ground, with a flossy green border; and the fender +and fire-irons were of shining brass. On the wall, immediately opposite +the fire-place, was a portrait of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, +so unlike her present self that no one would have taken it for her. The +back drawing-room, which looked out upon the gravel walk and house-backs +beyond, was papered with broad scarlet and green stripes in honour of +the Surrey Hunt uniform, and was set out with a green-covered library +table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting-chair between it and the +window, and several good strong hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the +walls. The table had a very literary air, being strewed with sporting +magazines, odd numbers of _Bell's Life_, pamphlets, and papers of +various descriptions, while on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were +ten lines of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in coming +from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had been hammering for some +time. On the side opposite the fire-place, on a hanging range of +mahogany shelves, were ten volumes of _Bell's Life in London_, the _New +Sporting Magazine_, bound gilt and lettered, the _Memoirs of Harriette +Wilson, Boxiana_, Taplin's _Farriery_, Nimrod's _Life of Mytton_, and a +backgammon board that Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a history +of England. + +Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in state at the far side +of the round table, on a worsted-worked ottoman exhibiting a cock +pheasant on a white ground, and was fanning herself with a red-and-white +paper fan, and turning over the leaves of an annual. How Mr. Jorrocks +happened to marry her, no one could ever divine, for she never was +pretty, had very little money, and not even a decent figure to recommend +her. It was generally supposed at the time, that his brother Joe and +he having had a deadly feud about a bottom piece of muffin, the lady's +friends had talked him into the match, in the hopes of his having a +family to leave his money to, instead of bequeathing it to Joe or his +children. Certain it is, they never were meant for each other; Mr. +Jorrocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature and impulse, while +Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and affectation. To describe her accurately +is more than we can pretend to, for she looked so different in different +dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not recognise her. Her +face was round, with a good strong brick-dust sort of complexion, a +turn-up nose, eyes that were grey in one light and green in another, and +a middling-sized mouth, with a double chin below. Mr. Jorrocks used +to say that she was "warranted" to him as twelve years younger than +himself, but many people supposed the difference of age between them was +not so great. Her stature was of the middle height, and she was of one +breadth from the shoulders to the heels. She was dressed in a flaming +scarlet satin gown, with swan's-down round the top, as also at the arms, +and two flounces of the same material round the bottom. Her turban was +of green velvet, with a gold fringe, terminating in a bunch over the +left side, while a bird-of-paradise inclined towards the right. Across +her forehead she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured glass butterfly +(a present from James Green), and her neck, arms, waist (at least +what ought to have been her waist) were hung round and studded with +mosaic-gold chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc., looking +for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's shop, or the lump of beef +that Sinbad the sailor threw into the Valley of Diamonds. In the right +of a gold band round her middle, was an immense gold watch, with a bunch +of mosaic seals appended to a massive chain of the same material; and a +large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when he was a young man, with his hair +stiffly curled, occupied a place on her left side. On her right arm +dangled a green velvet bag with a gold cord, out of which one of +Mr. Jorrocks's silk handkerchiefs protruded, while a crumpled, +yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace fringe, lay at her side. + +On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, sat her niece +Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), a nice laughing pretty girl of +sixteen, with languishing blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn-up" +order, beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and a +gracefully moulded figure. She had just left one of the finishing and +polishing seminaries in the neighbourhood of Bromley, where, for two +hundred a year and upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life are +taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had already appropriated her +to James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, on the other hand, had assigned her +to Stubbs. Belinda's dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair +hung in shining tresses down her smiling face, confined by a plain +tortoiseshell comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band before. Round +her swan-like neck was a plain white cornelian necklace; and her +well-washed white muslin frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing behind +in a bow, met in simple folds across her swelling bosom. Black sandal +shoes confined her fairy feet, and with French cotton stockings, +completed her toilette. Belinda, though young, was a celebrated eastern +beauty, and there was not a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael +Scales downwards, but what eyed her with delight as she passed along +from Shoreditch on her daily walk. + +The presentations having been effected, and the heat of the day, the +excellence of the house, the cleanliness of Great Coram Street--the +usual topics, in short, when people know nothing of each other--having +been discussed, our party scattered themselves about the room to await +the pleasing announcement of dinner. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was in +attendance upon Nimrod, while Mr. Stubbs made love to Belinda behind +Mrs. Jorrocks. + +Presently a loud long-protracted "rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +rat-tat-tat-tat-tan," at the street door sounded through the house, and +Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, exclaimed, "By Jingo! there's Green. +No man knocks with such wigorous wiolence as he does. All Great Coram +Street and parts adjacent know when he comes. Julius Caesar himself +couldn't kick up a greater row." "What Green is it, Green of +Rollestone?" inquired Nimrod, thinking of his Leicestershire friend. +"No," said Mr. Jorrocks, "Green of Tooley Street. You'll have heard of +the Greens in the borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, hop, and hide) +merchants--numerous family, numerous as the 'airs in my vig. This is +James Green, jun., whose father, old James Green, jun., _verd antique_, +as I calls him, is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the 'emp +line, and James is own cousin to young old James Green, sen., whose +father is in the 'ide line." The remainder of the pedigree was lost by +Benjamin throwing open the door and announcing Mr. Green; and Jemmy, +who had been exchanging his cloth boots for patent-leather pumps, came +bounding upstairs like a racket-ball. "My dear Mrs. Jorrocks," cried he, +swinging through the company to her, "I'm delighted to see you looking +so well. I declare you are fifty per cent younger than you were. +Belinda, my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks, my friend, 'ow do ye do?" + +"Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands with him most cordially, +"I'm werry well, indeed, and delighted to see you. Now let me present +you to Nimrod." + +"Ay, Nimrod!" said Green, in his usual flippant style, with a nod of his +head, "'ow are ye, Nimrod? I've heard of you, I think--Nimrod Brothers +and Co., bottle merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it?" + +"No," said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown--Happerley Nimrod, the +great sporting hauthor." + +"True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted, "I've heard of +him--Nimrod--the mighty 'unter before the lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. +Stubbs, 'ow are ye?" nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself +on to a chair on the other side of Belinda. + +As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His curly flaxen wig projected +over his forehead like the roof of a Swiss cottage, and his pointed +gills were supported by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad front +and black frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His coat was +light green, with archery buttons, made very wide at the hips, with +which he sported a white waistcoat, bright yellow ochre leather +trousers, pink silk stockings, and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he +carried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most powerfully of musk; +and a pair of dirty wristbands drew the eye to sundry dashing rings upon +his fingers. + +Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine-merchant, a member of +the Surrey Hunt, being announced and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared +herself faint from the heat of the room, and begged to be excused for a +few minutes. Nimrod, all politeness, was about to offer her his arm, but +Mr. Jorrocks pulled him back, whispering, "Let her go, let her go." "The +fact is," said he in an undertone after she was out of hearing, "it's a +way Mrs. J---- has when she wants to see that dinner's all right. +You see she's a terrible high-bred woman, being a cross between a +gentleman-usher and a lady's-maid, and doesn't like to be supposed to +look after these things, so when she goes, she always pretend to faint. +You'll see her back presently," and, just as he spoke, in she came with +a half-pint smelling-bottle at her nose. Benjamin followed immediately +after, and throwing open the door proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, +that "dinner was sarved," upon which the party all started on their +legs. + +"Now, Mr. Happerley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks, "you'll trot Mrs. J---- +down--according to the book of etiquette, you know, giving her the +wall side.[25] Sorry, gentlemen, I havn't ladies apiece for you, but my +sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayther small, besides which I +never like to dine more than eight. Stubbs, my boy, Green and you must +toss up for Belinda--here's a halfpenny, and let be 'Newmarket'[26] if +you please. Wot say you? a voman! Stubbs wins!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as +the halfpenny fell head downwards. "Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, +and James and I will whip in to you. But stop, gentlemen!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the stairs, "let me make one +request--that you von't eat the windmill you'll see on the centre of the +table. Mrs. Jorrocks has hired it for the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the +confectioner, in Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or three +evening parties after it leaves this." "Lauk, John! how wulgar you are. +What matter can it make to your friends where the windmill comes from!" +exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks in an audible voice from below, Nimrod, with +admirable skill, having piloted her down the straights and turns of the +staircase. Having squeezed herself between the backs of the chairs and +the wall, Mrs. Jorrocks at length reached the head of the table, and +with a bump of her body and wave of her hand motioned Nimrod to take the +seat on her right. Green then pushed past Belinda and Stubbs, and +took the place on Mrs. Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous +manoeuvre, placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda +between himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then filled the vacant +places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers facing Mr. Stubbs. + +[Footnote 25: "In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady +the wall in going downstairs," etc,--_Spirit of Etiquette._] + +[Footnote 26: "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is _one_ +toss."--_Bell's Life._] + +The dining-room was the breadth of the passage narrower than the front +drawing-room, and, as Mr. Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small--but +the table being excessively broad, made the room appear less than it +was. It was lighted up with spermaceti candles in silver holders, one at +each corner of the table, and there was a lamp in the wall between the +red-curtained windows, immediately below a brass nail, on which Mr. +Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch of boot garters were hung. Two +more candles in the hands of bronze Dianas on the marble mantelpiece, +lighted up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John Warde on Blue +Ruin; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse Undertaker, with his hounds +and men, occupied a frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned +cellaret sideboard, against the wall at the end, supported a large +bright-burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round the rim, whose +effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over eight black hats and two white +ones, whereof the four middle ones were decorated with evergreens and +foxes' brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered. There was +scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen on any part. In the centre +stood a magnificent finely spun barley-sugar windmill, two feet and a +half high, with a spacious sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and +two or three millers at the door, and a she-miller working a ball-dress +flounce at a lower window. + +The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course --everything, +in fact, except dessert--was on the table, as we sometimes see it at +ordinaries and public dinners. Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were +two great tureens of mock-turtle soup, each capable of holding a gallon, +and both full up to the brim. Then there were two sorts of fish; turbot +and lobster sauce, and a great salmon. A round of boiled beef and an +immense piece of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to march on the +disappearance of the fish and soup--and behind the walls, formed by the +beef of old England, came two dishes of grouse, each dish holding three +brace. The side dishes consisted of a calf's head hashed, a leg of +mutton, chickens, ducks, and mountains of vegetables; and round the +windmill were plum-puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, and puffs. + +Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood "Batsay" with a fine brass-headed +comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets down her ruddy cheeks. She was +dressed in a green silk gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr. +Jorrocks's lavender and white coloured silk pocket-handkerchiefs made +into an apron. "Binjimin" stood with the door in his hand, as the saying +is, with a towel twisted round his thumb, as though he had cut it. + +"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his eye up the table, as +soon as they had all got squeezed and wedged round it, and the dishes +were uncovered, "you see your dinner, eat whatever you like except the +windmill--hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with what's on--would +have had more but Mrs. J---- is so werry fine, she won't stand two +joints of the same sort on the table." + +_Mrs. J._ Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar! Who ever saw two rounds +of beef, as you wanted to have? Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will +excuse any little defishency, considering the short notice we have had, +and that this is not an elaborate dinner. + +_Mr. Spiers._ I'm sure, ma'm, there's no de_fish_ency at all. Indeed, +I think there's as much fish as would serve double the number--and I'm +sure you look as if you had your soup "on sale or return," as we say in +the magazine line. + +_Mr. J._ Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers. I owe you one. Not bad +soup though--had it from Birch's. Let me send you some; and pray lay +into it, or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. Happerley, let me send +you some--and, gentlemen, let me observe, once for all, that there's +every species of malt liquor under the side table. Prime stout, from the +Marquess Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my friend Crane +there calls lamen_table_--he says, because it's so werry small--but, in +truth, because I don't buy it of him. There's all sorts of drench, in +fact, except water--thing I never touch--rots one's shoes, don't know +what it would do with one's stomach if it was to get there. Mr. Crane, +you're eating nothing. I'm quite shocked to see you; you don't surely +live upon hair? Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. +Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshireman take care of you? Who's for some +salmon?--bought at Luckey's, and there's both Tallyho and Tantivy sarce +to eat with it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder after +eating these sarces with fish. Mr. Happerley Nimrod, you are the +greatest man at table, consequently I axes you to drink wine first, +according to the book of etiquette--help yourself, sir. Some of Crane's +particklar, hot and strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin +de beaume) or rot-gut French stuff--hope you like it--if you don't, pray +speak your mind freely, now that we have Crane among us. Binjimin, get +me some of that duck before Mr. Spiers, a leg and a wing, if you please, +sir, and a bit of the breast. + +_Mr. Spiers._ Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer a right or left +wing, sir? + +_Mr. Jorrocks._ Oh, either. I suppose it's all the same. + +_Mr. Spiers._ Why no, sir, it's not exactly all the same; for it happens +there is only one remaining, therefore it must be the _left_ one. + +_Mr. J._ (chuckling). Haw! haw! haw! Mr. S----, werry good that--werry +good indeed. I owes you two. + +"I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you please," says Crane, +handing his plate round the windmill. + +"I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers, who had just +filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's nothing left but the neck," +holding it up on the fork. + +"Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane; "neck or nothing, you know, Mr. +Jorrocks, as we say with the Surrey." + +"Haw! haw! haw!" grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is busy sucking a bone; "haw! +hawl haw! werry good, Crane, werry good--owes you one. Now, gentlemen," +added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, "let me adwise +ye, before you attack the grouse, to take the hedge (edge) off your +appetites, or else there won't be enough, and, you know, it does not do +to eat the farmer after the gentlemen. Let's see, now--three and three +are six, six brace among eight--oh dear, that's nothing like enough. I +wish, Mrs. J----, you had followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And +now, Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your clumsiness, +you little dirty rascal! Why von't you let Batsay arrange the table? +Thank you, Mr. Crane, for your assistance--your politeness, sir, exceeds +your beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, and Jorrocks +throws down his knife and fork in an agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear, there's +that cursed horgan again. It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and +kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no man suffers so much +from music as I do. I wish I had a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I +might throw one at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. +I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. Mr. Nimrod, pray +take another glass of wine after your roast beef.--Well, with Mrs. J---- +if you choose, but I'll join you--always says that you are the werry +cleverest man of the day--read all your writings--anny-tommy (anatomy) +of gaming, and all. Am a hauthor myself, you know--once set to, to write +a werry long and elaborate harticle on scent, but after cudgelling my +brains, and turning the thing over and over again in my mind, all that I +could brew on the subject was, that scent was a werry rum thing; nothing +rummer than scent, except a woman." + +"Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as she spoke, "don't let +us have any of your low-lifed stable conversation here--you think to +show off before the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself you talk +about what we don't understand. Now, I'll be bound to say, with all your +fine sporting hinformation, you carn't tell me whether a mule brays or +neighs!" + +"Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr. Jorrocks, considering. +"I'll lay I can!" + +"Which, then?" inquired Mrs. Jorrocks. + +"Vy, I should say it brayed." + +"Mule bray!" cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her hands with delight, +"there's a cockney blockhead for you! It brays, does it?" + +_Mr. Jorrocks. _I meant to say, neighed. + +"Ho! ho! ho!" grinned Mrs. J----, "neighs, does it? You are a nice man +for a fox-'unter--a mule neighs--thought I'd catch you some of these +odd days with your wain conceit." + +"Vy, what does it do then?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, his choler rising as +he spoke. "I hopes, at all ewents, he don't make the 'orrible noise you +do." + +"Why, it screams, you great hass!" rejoined his loving spouse. + +A single, but very resolute knock at the street door, sounding quite +through the house, stopped all further ebullition, and Benjamin, +slipping out, held a short conversation with someone in the street, and +returned. + +"What's happened now, Binjimin?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, with anxiety +on his countenance, as the boy re-entered the room; "the 'osses arn't +amiss, I 'ope?" + +"Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for the windmill--he says +you've had it two hours," replied Benjamin. + +"The deuce be with Mr. Farrell's young man! he does not suppose we can +part with the mill before the cloth's drawn--tell him to mizzle, or I'll +mill him. 'Now's the day and now's the hour'; who's for some grouse? +Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But first of all let's have a round +robin. Pass the wine, gentlemen. What wine do you take, Stubbs." + +"Why, champagne is good enough for me." + +_Mr. Jorrocks,_ I dare say; but if you wait till you get any here, you +will have a long time to stop. Shampain, indeed! had enough of that +nonsense abroad--declare you young chaps drink shampain like hale. +There's red and wite port, and sherry, in fact, and them as carn't +drink, they must go without. + + X. was expensive and soon became poor, + Y. was the wise man and kept want from the door. + +"Now for the grouse!" added he, as the two beefs disappeared, and they +took their stations at the top and bottom of the table. "Fine birds, to +be sure! Hope you havn't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so as not to +be able to do justice to them--smell high--werry good--gamey, in fact. +Binjimin. take an 'ot plate to Mr. Nimrod--sarve us all round with +them." + +The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, little execution was +done upon the pastry, and the jellies had all melted long before it +came to their turn to be eat. At length everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, +appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks was succeeded by +the din of tongues and the ringing of glasses, as the eaters refreshed +themselves with wine or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being handed +about on plates, according to the _Spirit of Etiquette_. Binjimin and +Batsay at length cleared the table, lifted off the windmill, and removed +the cloth. Mr. Jorrocks then delivered himself of a most emphatic grace. + +The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the ceremony of +drinking healths all round was performed. "Your good health, Mrs. +J----.--Belinda, my loove, your good health--wish you a good +'usband.--Nimrod, your good health.--James Green, your good health.--Old +_verd antique's_ good health.--Your uncle's good health.--All the Green +family.--Stubbs, your good health.--Spiers, Crane, etc." The bottles +then pass round three times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks +makes them pay toll. The fourth time she let them pass; and Jorrocks +began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick the leg of the table, by way of +giving her a hint to depart. This caused a dead silence, which at length +was broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming "horrid pause!" + +"Horrid paws!" vociferated Mrs. J----, in a towering rage, "so would +yours, let me tell you, sir, if you had helped to cook all that dinner": +and gathering herself up and repeating the words "horrid paws, indeed, +I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room like an exasperated +turkey-cock; her face, from heat, anger, and the quantity she had drank, +being as red as her gown. Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she +had been put into a furnace and blown red hot. Jorrocks having got rid +of his "worser half," as he calls her, let out a reef or two of his acre +of white waistcoat, and each man made himself comfortable according to +his acceptation of the term. "Gentlemen," says Jorrocks, "I'll trouble +you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps off--a bumper toast--no +skylights, if you please. Crane, pass the wine--you are a regular +old stop-bottle--a turnpike gate, in fact. I think you take back +hands--gentlemen, are you all charged?--then I'll give you THE NOBLE +SPORT OF FOX-'UNTING! gentlemen, with three times three, and Crane will +give the 'ips--all ready--now, ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza--'ip, +'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza--'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza.--one +cheer more, 'UZZA!" After this followed "The Merry Harriers," then came +"The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, and bad luck to Cheatum," +all bumpers; when Jorrocks, having screwed his courage up to the +sticking-place, called for another, which being complied with, he rose +and delivered himself as follows: + +"Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I am now about to +propose--I feel--I feel--(Yorkshireman--'very queer?') J---- No, +not verry queer, and I'll trouble you to hold your jaw (laughter). +Gentlemen, I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about to +give, I feel--I feel--(Crane--'werry nervous?') J---- No, not werry +nervous, so none of your nonsense; let me alone, I say. I say, in +rising to propose the toast which I am about to give, I feel--(Mr. +Spiers--'very foolish?' Nimrod--'very funny?' Crane--'werry rum?') J---- +No, werry proud of the distinguished honour that has been conferred upon +me--conferred upon me--conferred upon me--distinguished honour that has +been conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of one of the most +distinguished men--distinguished men--by the presence, this day, of one +of the most distinguished men and sportsmen--of modern times (cheers.) +Gentlemen--this is the proudest moment of my life! the eyes of England +are upon us! I give you the health of Mr. Happerley Nimrod." (Drunk with +three times three.) + +When the cheering, and dancing of the glasses had somewhat subsided, +Nimrod rose and spoke as follows: + +"Mr. Jorrocks, and gentlemen", + +"The handsome manner in which my health has been proposed by our worthy +and estimable host, and the flattering reception it has met with from +you, merit my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be unworthy of +the land which gave me birth, were I insensible of the honour which has +just been done me by so enlightened and distinguished an assembly as the +present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased to designate me as +one of the most distinguished sportsmen of the day, a title, however, +to which I feel I have little claim: but this I may say, that I have +portrayed our great national sports in their brightest and most glowing +colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen shall yield to none +(cheers). I have ever been the decided advocate of many sports and +exercises, not only on account of the health and vigour they inspire, +but because I feel that they are the best safeguards on a nation's +energies, and the best protection against luxury, idleness, debauchery, +and effeminacy (cheers). The authority of all history informs us, +that the energies of countries flourished whilst manly sports have +flourished, and decayed as they died away (cheers). What says Juvenal, +when speaking of the entry of luxury into Rome?" + + Saevior armis + Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem. + +"And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the writings of +Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for evidence of the value they have +all attached to the encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, +and the evils produced by a degenerate and effeminate life on the +manners and characters of a people (cheers). Many of the most eminent +literary characters of this and of other countries have been ardently +attached to field sports; and who, that has experienced their beneficial +results, can doubt that they are the best promoters of the _mens sana +in corpore sano_--the body sound and the understanding clear (cheers)? +Gentlemen, it is with feelings of no ordinary gratification that I find +myself at the social and truly hospitable board of one of the most +distinguished ornaments of one of the most celebrated Hunts in this +great country, one whose name and fame have reached the four corners +of the globe--to find myself after so long an absence from my native +land--an estrangement from all that has ever been nearest and dearest to +my heart--once again surrounded by these cheerful countenances which +so well express the honest, healthful pursuits of their owners. Let +us then," added Nimrod, seizing a decanter and pouring himself out a +bumper, "drink, in true Kentish fire, the health and prosperity of +that brightest sample of civic sportsmen, the great and renowned JOHN +JORROCKS!" + +Immense applause followed the conclusion of this speech, during which +time the decanters buzzed round the table, and the glasses being +emptied, the company rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed; +Mr. Jorrocks, sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable as men in +his situation generally do. + +The cheering having subsided, and the parties having resumed their +seats, it was his turn to rise, so getting on his legs, he essayed to +speak, but finding, as many men do, that his ideas deserted him the +moment the "eyes of England" were turned upon him, after two or three +hitches of his nankeens, and as many hems and haws, he very coolly +resumed his seat, and spoke as follows: + +"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I am taken quite +aback by this werry unexpected compliment (cheers); never since I filled +the hancient and honerable hoffice of churchwarden in the populous +parish of St. Botolph Without, have I experienced a gratification equal +to the present. I thank you from the werry bottom of my breeches-pocket +(applause). Gentlemen, I'm no horator, but I'm a honest man (cheers). +I should indeed be undeserving the name of a sportsman--undeserving of +being a member of that great and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. +Happerley Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, if I +did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you have paid it. It is +unpossible for me to follow that great sporting scholar fairly over the +ridge and furrow of his werry intricate and elegant horation, for there +are many of those fine gentlemen's names--French, I presume--that he +mentioned, that I never heard of before, and cannot recollect; but if +you will allow me to run 'eel a little, I would make a few hobservations +on a few of his hobservations.--Mr. Happerley Nimrod, gentlemen, was +pleased to pay a compliment to what he was pleased to call my something +'ospitality. I am extremely obliged to him for it. To be surrounded +by one's friends is in my mind the 'Al' of 'uman 'appiness (cheers). +Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of seeing you all here to-day, +and I hope the grub has been to your likin' (cheers), if not, I'll +discharge my butcher. On the score of quantity there might be a little +deficiency, but I hope the quality was prime. Another time this shall +be all remedied (cheers). Gentlemen, I understand those cheers, and I'm +flattered by them--I likes 'ospitality!--I'm not the man to keep my +butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals in a quart pot (immense cheering). +Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, I leaves the flowers of speech to +them as is better acquainted with botany (laughter)--I likes plain +English, both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to see Mr. Happerley +Nimrod has not forgot his, and can put up with our homely fare, and do +without pantaloon cutlets, blankets of woe,[27] and such-like miseries." + +[Footnote 27: "Blanquette de veau."] + +"I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots, and their +poisons (poissons); 'ord rot 'em, they near killed me, and right glad am +I to get a glass of old British black strap. And talking of black strap, +gentlemen, I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to tip us +a song. So now I'm finished--and you, Crane, lap up your liquor and +begin!" (applause). + +Crane was shy--unused to sing in company--nevertheless, if it was +the wish of the party, and if it would oblige his good customer, Mr. +Jorrocks, he would try his hand at a stave or two made in honour of the +immortal Surrey. Having emptied his glass and cleared his windpipe, +Crane commenced: + + "Here's a health to them that can ride! + Here's a health to them that can ride! + And those that don't wish good luck to the cause. + May they roast by their own fireside! + It's good to drown care in the chase, + It's good to drown care in the bowl. + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, + Here's his health from the depth of my soul." + + CHORUS + + "Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds. + And echo the shrill tally-ho!" + + "Here's a health to them that can ride! + Here's a health to them that ride bold! + May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied, + In columns of sporting be told! + Here's freedom to him that would walk! + Here's freedom to him that would ride! + There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard + Who the joys of the chase ever tried." + + "Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, + And halloo the loud tally-ho!" + +"Beautiful! beautiful!" exclaimed Jorrocks, clapping his hands and +stamping as Crane had ceased. + + "A werry good song, and it's werry well sung. + Jolly companions every one!" + +"Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses--there's one toast we must drink in +a bumper if we ne'er take a bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your +glass--Mr. Stubbs, vy don't you fill up?--Mr. Nimrod, off with your 'eel +taps, pray--I'll give ye the 'Surrey 'Unt,' with all my 'art and soul. +Crane, my boy, here's your werry good health, and thanks for your song!" +(All drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's good health, with applause, which +brings him on his legs with the following speech): + +"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking (laughter), I beg +leave on behalf of myself and the absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to +return you our own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment +you have just paid us, and to assure you that the esteem and approbation +of our fellow-sportsmen is to us the magnum bonum of all earthly +'appiness (cheers and laughter). Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer +upon your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy this wine of my friend +Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say that I have got some more of the same +quality left, at from forty-two to forty-eight shillings a dozen, also +some good stout draught port, at ten and sixpence a gallon--some ditto +werry superior at fifteen; also foreign and British spirits, and Dutch +liqueurs, rich and rare." The conclusion of the vintner's address was +drowned in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon the company +in succession for a toast, a song, or a sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The +Royal Staghounds"; Crane gave, "Champagne to our real friends, and real +pain to our sham friends"; Green sung, "I'd be a butterfly"; Mr. Stubbs +gave, "Honest men and bonnie lasses"; and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic +printer, gave, "The liberty of the Press," which he said was like +fox-hunting--"if we have it not we die"--all of which Mr. Jorrocks +applauded as if he had never heard them before, and drank in bumpers. It +was evident that unless tea was speedily announced he would soon become; + + O'er the ills of life victorious, + +for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the Queen's English +for some time. After a pause, during which his cheeks twice changed +colour, from red to green and back to red, he again called for a bumper +toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or parts of a +speech: + +"Gentlemen--in rising--propose toast about to give--feel werry--feel +werry--(Yorkshireman, 'werry muzzy?') J---- feel werry--(Mr. Spiers, +'werry sick?') J---- werry--(Crane, 'werry thirsty?') J---- feel +werry --(Nimrod, 'werry wise?') J---- no; but werry sensible --great +compliment--eyes of England upon us--give you the health--Mr. Happerley +Nimrod--three times three!" + +He then attempted to rise for the purpose of marking the time, but his +legs deserted his body, and after two or three lurches down he went with +a tremendous thump under the table. He called first for "Batsay," then +for "Binjimin," and, game to the last, blurted out, "Lift me up!--tie me +in my chair!--fill my glass!" + + + +XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: +AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN + +On the morning after Mr. Jorrocks's "dinner party" I had occasion to go +into the city, and took Great Coram Street in my way. My heart misgave +me when I recollected Mrs. J---- and her horrid paws, but still I +thought it my duty to see how the grocer was after his fall. Arrived at +the house I rang the area bell, and Benjamin, who was cleaning knives +below, popped his head up, and seeing who it was, ran upstairs and +opened the door. His master was up, he said, but "werry bad," and his +misses was out. Leaving him to resume his knife-cleaning occupation, I +slipped quietly upstairs, and hearing a noise in the bedroom, opened the +door, and found Jorrocks sitting in his dressing-gown in an easy chair, +with Betsey patting his bald head with a damp towel. + +"Do that again, Batsay! Do that again!" was the first sound I heard, +being an invitation to Betsey to continue her occupation. "Here's the +Yorkshireman, sir," said Betsey, looking around. + +"Ah, Mr. York, how are you this morning?" said he, turning a pair of +eyes upon me that looked like boiled gooseberries--his countenance +indicating severe indisposition. "Set down, sir; set down--I'm werry +bad--werry bad indeed--bad go last night. Doesn't do to go to the +lush-crib this weather. How are you, eh? tell me all about it. Is Mr. +Nimrod gone?" + +"Don't know," said I; "I have just come from Lancaster Street, where I +have been seeing an aunt, and thought I would take Great Coram Street in +my way to the city, to ask how you do--but where's Mrs. Jorrocks?" + +_Jorrocks_. Oh, cuss Mrs. J----; I knows nothing about her--been reading +the Riot Act, and giving her red rag a holiday all the morning--wish +to God I'd never see'd her--took her for better and worser, it's werry +true; but she's a d----d deal worser than I took her for. Hope your +hat may long cover your family. Mrs. J----'s gone to the Commons to +Jenner--swears she'll have a diworce, a _mensa et thorax_, I think +she calls it--wish she may get it--sick of hearing her talk about +it--Jenner's the only man wot puts up with her, and that's because he +gets his fees. Batsay, my dear! you may damp another towel, and then +get me something to cool my coppers--all in a glow, I declare--complete +fever. You whiles go to the lush-crib, Mr. Yorkshireman; what now do you +reckon best after a regular drench? + +_Yorkshireman._ Oh, nothing like a glass of soda-water with a bottom of +brandy--some people prefer a sermon, but that won't suit you or I. After +your soda and brandy take a good chivy in the open air, and you'll be +all right by dinner-time. + +_Jorrocks._ Right I Bliss ye, I shall niver be right again. I can +scarce move out of my chair, I'm so bad--my head's just fit to split in +two--I'm in no state to be seen. + +_Yorkshireman._ Oh, pooh!--get your soda-water and brandy, then have +some strong coffee and a red herring, and you'll be all right, and +if you'll find cash, I'll find company, and we'll go and have a lark +together. + +_Jorrocks._ Couldn't really be seen out---besides, cash is werry scarce. +By the way, now that I come to think on it, I had a five-pounder in my +breeches last night. Just feel in the pocket of them 'ere nankeens, and +see that Mrs. J---- has not grabbed it to pay Jenner's fee with. + +_Yorkshireman_ (feels). No--all right--here it is--No. 10,497--I promise +to pay Mr. Thos. Rippon, or bearer, on demand, five pounds! Let's demand +it, and go and spend the cash. + +_Jorrocks._ No, no--put it back--or into the table-drawer, see--fives +are werry scarce with me--can't afford it--must be just before I'm +generous. + +_Yorkshireman._ Well, then, J----, you must just stay at home and get +bullied by Mrs. J----, who will be back just now, I dare say, perhaps +followed by Jenner and half Doctors' Commons. + +_Jorrocks_. The deuce! I forgot all that--curse Mrs. J---- and the +Commons too. Well, Mr. Yorkshireman, I don't care if I do go with +you--but where shall it be to? Some place where we can be quiet, for I +really am werry bad, and not up to nothing like a lark. + +_Yorkshireman_. Suppose we take a sniff of the +briny--Margate--Ramsgate--Broadstairs? + +_Jorrocks_. No, none of them places--over-well-known at 'em all--can't +be quiet--get to the lush-crib again, perhaps catch the cholera and go +to Gravesend by mistake. Let's go to the Eel Pye at Twickenham and live +upon fish. + +_Yorkshireman_. Fish! you old flat. Why, you know, you'd be the first to +cry out if you had to do so. No, no--let's have no humbug--here, drink +your coffee like a man, and then hustle your purse and see what it will +produce. Why, even Betsey's laughing at the idea of your living upon +fish. + +_Jorrocks_. Don't shout so, pray--your woice shoots through every nerve +of my head and distracts me (drinks). This is grand Mocho--quite the +cordial balm of Gilead--werry fine indeed. Now I feel rewived and can +listen to you. + +_Yorkshireman_. Well, then, pull on your boots--gird up your loins, and +let's go and spend this five pounds--stay away as long as it lasts, in +fact. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, but give me the coin--it's mine you know--and let me +be paymaster, or I know you'll soon be into dock again. That's right; +and now I have got three half-crowns besides, which I will add. + +_Yorkshireman_. And I've got three pence, which, not to be behind-hand +in point of liberality, I'll do the same with, so that we have got five +pounds seven shillings and ninepence between us, according to Cocker. + +_Jorrocks_. Between us, indeed! I likes that. You're a generous +churchwarden. + +_Yorkshireman_. Well--we won't stand upon trifles the principle is the +thing I look to--and not the amount. So now where to, your honour? + +After a long parley, we fixed upon Herne Bay. Our reasons for doing so +were numerous, though it would be superfluous to mention them, save +that the circumstance of neither of us ever having been there, and the +prospect of finding a quiet retreat for Jorrocks to recover in, were the +principal ones. Our arrangements were soon made. "Batsay," said J---- to +his principessa of a cook, slut, and butler, "the Yorkshireman and I are +going out of town to stay five pounds seven and ninepence, so put up my +traps." Two shirts (one to wash the other as he said), three pairs of +stockings, with other etceteras, were stamped into a carpet-bag, and +taking a cab, we called at the "Piazza," where I took a few things, and +away we drove to Temple Bar. "Stop here with the bags," said Jorrocks, +"while I go to the Temple Stairs and make a bargain with a Jacob +Faithful to put us on board, for if they see the bags they'll think it's +a case of necessity, and ask double; whereas I'll pretend I'm just going +a-pleasuring, and when I've made a bargain, I'll whistle, and you can +come." Away he rolled, and after the lapse of a few minutes I heard a +sort of shilling-gallery cat-call, and obeying the summons, found he had +concluded a bargain for one and sixpence. We reached St. Catherine's +Docks just as the Herne Bay boat--the _Hero_--moored alongside, +consequently were nearly the first on board. + +Herne Bay being then quite in its infancy, and this being what the cits +call a "weekday," they had rather a shy cargo, nor had they any of that +cockney tomfoolery that generally characterises a Ramsgate or Margate +crew, more particularly a Margate one. Indeed, it was a very slow cargo, +Jorrocks being the only character on board, and he was as sulky as a +bear with a sore head when anyone approached. The day was beautifully +fine, and a thin grey mist gradually disappeared from the Kentish hills +as we passed down the Thames. The river was gay enough. Adelaide, Queen +of Great Britain and Ireland, was expected on her return from Germany, +and all the vessels hung out their best and gayest flags and colours to +do her honour. The towns of Greenwich and Woolwich were in commotion. +Charity schools were marching, and soldiers were doing the like, while +steamboats went puffing down the river with cargoes to meet and escort +Her Majesty. When we got near Tilbury Fort, a man at the head of the +steamer announced that we should meet the Queen in ten minutes, and all +the passengers crowded on to the paddle-box of the side on which she +was to pass, to view and greet her. Jorrocks even roused himself up +and joined the throng. Presently a crowd of steamers were seen in the +distance, proceeding up the river at a rapid pace, with a couple of +lofty-masted vessels in tow, the first of which contained the royal +cargo. The leading steamboat was the celebrated _Magnet_--considered +the fastest boat on the river, and the one in which Jorrocks and myself +steamed from Margate, racing against and beating the _Royal William._ +This had the Lord Mayor and Aldermen on board, who had gone down to the +extent of the city jurisdiction to meet the Queen, and have an excuse +for a good dinner. The deck presented a gay scene, being covered with a +military band, and the gaudy-liveried lackeys belonging to the Mansion +House, and sheriffs whose clothes were one continuous mass of gold lace +and frippery, shining beautifully brilliant in the midday sun. The royal +yacht, with its crimson and gold pennant floating on the breeze, came +towering up at a rapid pace, with the Queen sitting under a canopy on +deck. As we neared, all hats were off, and three cheers--or at least as +many as we could wedge in during the time the cortčge took to sweep past +us--were given, our band consisting of three brandy-faced musicians, +striking up _God save the King_--a compliment which Her Majesty +acknowledged by a little mandarining; and before the majority of the +passengers had recovered from the astonishment produced by meeting a +live Queen on the Thames, the whole fleet had shot out of sight. By the +time the ripple on the water, raised by their progress, had subsided, +we had all relapsed into our former state of apathy and sullenness. A +duller or staider set I never saw outside a Quakers' meeting. Still the +beggars eat, as when does a cockney not in the open air? The stewards of +these steamboats must make a rare thing of their places, for they have +plenty of custom at their own prices. In fact, being in a steamboat is a +species of personal incarceration, and you have only the option between +bringing your own prog, or taking theirs at whatever they choose to +charge--unless, indeed, a person prefers going without any. Jorrocks +took nothing. He laid down again after the Queen had passed, and never +looked up until we were a mile or two off Herne Bay. + +With the reader's permission, we will suppose that we have just landed, +and, bags in hand, ascended the flight of steps that conduct passengers, +as it were, from the briny ocean on to the stage of life. + +"My eyes!" said Jorrocks, as he reached the top, "wot a pier, and wot +a bit of a place! Why, there don't seem to be fifty houses altogether, +reckoning the windmill in the centre as one. What's this thing?" said +he to a ticket-porter, pointing to a sort of French diligence-looking +concern which had just been pushed up to the landing end. "To carry the +lumber, sir--live and dead--gentlemen and their bags, as don't like to +walk." "Do you charge anything for the ride?" inquired Jorrocks, with +his customary caution. "Nothing," was the answer. "Then, let's get on +the roof," said J----, "and take it easy, and survey the place as we go +along." So, accordingly, we clambered on to the top of the diligence, +"summā diligentiā," and seated ourselves on a pile of luggage; being all +stowed away, and as many passengers as it would hold put inside, two +or three porters proceeded to propel the machine along the railroad on +which it runs. "Now, Mr. Yorkshireman," said Jorrocks, "we are in a +strange land, and it behoves us to proceed with caution, or we may spend +our five pounds seven and sixpence before we know where we are." + +_Yorkshireman_. Seven and ninepence it is, sir. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, be it so--five pounds seven and ninepence between two, +is by no means an impossible sum to spend, and the trick is to make +it go as far as we can. Now some men can make one guinea go as far as +others can make two, and we will try what we can do. In the first place, +you know I makes it a rule never to darken the door of a place wot calls +itself an 'otel, for 'otel prices and inn prices are werry different. +You young chaps don't consider these things, and as long as you have +got a rap in the world you go swaggering about, ordering claret and +waxlights, and everything wot's expensive, as though you must spend +money because you are in an inn. Now, that's all gammon. If a man +haven't got money he can't spend it; and we all know that many poor +folks are obliged at times to go to houses of public entertainment, +and you don't suppose that they pay for fire and waxlights, private +sitting-rooms, and all them 'ere sort of things. Now, said he, adjusting +his hunting telescope and raking the town of Herne Bay, towards which we +were gently approaching on our dignified eminence, but as yet had not +got near enough to descry "what was what" with the naked eye, I should +say yon great staring-looking shop directly opposite us is the cock inn +of the place (looks through his glass). I'm right P-i-e-r, Pier 'Otel I +reads upon the top, and that's no shop for my money. Let's see what else +we have. There's nothing on the right, I think, but here on the left is +something like our cut--D-o-l dol, p-h-i-n phin, Dolphin Inn. It's long +since I went the circuit, as the commercial gentlemen (or what were +called bagmen in my days) term it, but I haven't forgot the experience I +gained in my travels, and I whiles turn it to werry good account now. + +"Coach to Canterbury, Deal, Margate, sir, going directly," interrupted +him, and reminded us that we had got to the end of the pier, and ought +to be descending. Two or three coaches were drawn up, waiting to carry +passengers on, but we had got to our journey's end. "Now," said J----, +"let's take our bags in hand and draw up wind, trying the 'Dolphin' +first." + +Rejecting the noble portals of the Pier Hotel, we advanced towards +Jorrocks's chosen house, a plain unpretending-looking place facing the +sea, which is half the battle, and being but just finished had every +chance of cleanliness. "Jonathan Acres" appeared above the door as the +name of the landlord, and a little square-built, hatless, short-haired +chap, in a shooting-jacket, was leaning against the door. "Mr. +Hacres within?" said Jorrocks. "My name's Acres," said he of the +shooting-jacket. "Humph," said J----, looking him over, "not Long Acre, +I think." Having selected a couple of good airy bedrooms, we proceeded +to see about dinner. "Mr. Hacres," said Jorrocks, "I makes it a rule +never to pay more than two and sixpence for a feed, so now just give +us as good a one as you possibly can for that money": and about seven +o'clock we sat down to lamb-chops, ducks, French beans, pudding, etc.; +shortly after which Jorrocks retired to rest, to sleep off the remainder +of his headache. He was up long before me the next morning, and had a +dip in the sea before I came down. "Upon my word," said he, as I entered +the room, and found him looking as lively and fresh as a four-year-old, +"it's worth while going to the lush-crib occasionally, if it's only for +the pleasure of feeling so hearty and fresh as one does on the second +day. I feel just as if I could jump out of my skin, but I will defer the +performance until after breakfast. I have ordered a fork one, do you +know, cold 'am and boiled bacon, with no end of eggs, and bread of every +possible description. By the way, I've scraped acquaintance with Thorp, +the baker hard by, who's a right good fellow, and says he will give me +some shooting, and has some werry nice beagles wot he shoots to. But +here's the grub. Cold 'am in abundance. But, waiter, you should put a +little green garnishing to the dishes, I likes to see it, green is so +werry refreshing to the eye; and tell Mr. Hacres to send up some more +bacon and the bill, when I rings the bell. Nothing like having your bill +the first morning, and then you know what you've got to pay, and can cut +your coat according to your cloth." The bacon soon disappeared, and the +bell being sounded, produced the order. + +"Humph," said J----, casting his eyes over the bill as it lay by the +side of his plate, while he kept pegging away at the contents of the +neighbouring dish--"pretty reasonable, I think--dinners, five shillings, +that's half a crown each; beds, two shillings each; breakfasts, one and +ninepence each, that's cheap for a fork breakfast; but, I say, you had +a pint of sherry after I left you last night, and PALE sherry too! How +could you be such an egreggorus (egregious) ass! That's so like you +young chaps, not to know that the only difference between pale and brown +sherry is, that one has more of the pumpaganus aqua in it than the +other. You should have made it pale yourself, man. But look there. Wot a +go!" + +Our attention was attracted to a youth in spectacles, dressed in a rich +plum-coloured coat, on the outside of a dingy-looking, big-headed, brown +nag, which he was flogging and cramming along the public walk in +front of the "Dolphin," in the most original and ludicrous manner. We +presently recognised him as one of our fellow-passengers of the previous +day, respecting whom Jorrocks and I had had a dispute as to whether he +was a Frenchman or a German. His equestrian performances decided the +point. I never in all my life witnessed such an exhibition, nor one in +which the performer evinced such self-complacency. Whether he had ever +been on horseback before or not I can't tell, but the way in which he +went to work, using the bridle as a sort of rattle to frighten the horse +forward, the way in which he shook the reins, threw his arms about, and +belaboured the poor devil of an animal in order to get him into a canter +(the horse of course turning away every time he saw the blow coming), +and the free, unrestrained liberty he gave to his head, surpassed +everything of the sort I ever saw, and considerably endangered the lives +of several of His Majesty's lieges that happened to be passing. +Instead of getting out of their way, Frenchmanlike, he seemed to think +everything should give way to an equestrian; and I saw him scatter a +party of ladies like a covey of partridges, by riding slap amongst them, +and not even making the slightest apology or obeisance for the rudeness. +There he kept, cantering (or cantering as much as he could induce the +poor rip to do) from one end of the town to the other, conceiving, I +make not the slightest doubt, that he was looked upon with eyes of +admiration by the beholders. He soon created no little sensation, and +before he was done a crowd had collected near the Pier Hotel, to see him +get his horse past (it being a Pier Hotel nag) each time; and I heard +a primitive sort of postman, who was delivering the few letters that +arrive in the place, out of a fish-basket, declare "that he would sooner +kill a horse than lend it to such a chap." Having fretted his hour away, +the owner claimed the horse, and Monsieur was dismounted. + +After surveying the back of the town, we found ourselves rambling in +some beautiful picturesque fields in the rear. Kent is a beautiful +county, and the trimly kept gardens, and the clustering vines twining +around the neatly thatched cottages, remind one of the rich, luxuriant +soil and climate of the South. Forgetting that we were in search of sea +breezes, we continued to saunter on, across one field, over one stile +and then over another, until after passing by the side of a snug-looking +old-fashioned house, with a beautifully kept garden, the road took a +sudden turn and brought us to some parkish-looking well-timbered ground +in front, at one side of which Jorrocks saw something that he swore was +a kennel. + +"I knows a hawk from a hand-saw," said he, "let me alone for that. I'll +swear there are hounds in it. Bless your heart, don't I see a gilt fox +on one end, and a gilt hare on the other?" + +Just then came up a man in a round fustian jacket, to whom Jorrocks +addressed himself, and, as good luck would have it, he turned out to be +the huntsman (for Jorrocks was right about the kennel), and away we went +to look at the hounds. They proved to be Mr. Collard's, the owner of +the house that we had just passed, and were really a very nice pack of +harriers, consisting of seventeen or eighteen couple, kept in better +style (as far as kennel appearance goes) than three-fourths of the +harriers in England. Bird, the huntsman, our cicerone, seemed a regular +keen one in hunting matters, and Jorrocks and he had a long confab about +the "noble art of hunting," though the former was rather mortified to +find on announcing himself as the "celebrated Mr. Jorrocks" that Bird +had never heard of him before. + +After leaving the kennel we struck across a few fields, and soon found +ourselves on the sea banks, along which we proceeded at the rate of +about two miles an hour, until we came to the old church of Reculvers. +Hard by is a public-house, the sign of the "Two Sisters," where, having +each taken a couple of glasses of ale, we proceeded to enjoy one of the +(to me at least) greatest luxuries in life--viz. that of lying on the +shingle of the beach with my heels just at the water's edge. + +The day was intensely hot, and after occupying this position for about +half an hour, and finding the "perpendicular rays of the sun" rather +fiercer than agreeable, we followed the example of a flock of sheep, and +availed ourselves of the shade afforded by the Reculvers. Here for a +short distance along the beach, on both sides, are small breakwaters, +and immediately below the Reculvers is one formed of stake and matting, +capable of holding two persons sofa fashion. Into this Jorrocks and +I crept, the tide being at that particular point that enabled us to +repose, with the water lashing our cradle on both sides, without dashing +high enough to wet us. + +"Oh, but this is fine!" said J----, dangling his arm over the side, and +letting the sea wash against his hand. "I declare it comes fizzing up +just like soda-water out of a bottle--reminds me of the lush-crib. By +the way, Mr. Yorkshireman, I heard some chaps in our inn this morning +talking about this werry place, and one of them said that there used +to be a Roman station, or something of that sort, at it. Did you know +anything of them 'ere ancient Romans? Luxterous dogs, I understand. +If Mr. Nimrod was here now he could tell us all about them, for, if I +mistake not, he was werry intimate with some of them--either he or his +father, at least." + +A boat that had been gradually advancing towards us now run on shore, +close by where we were lying, and one of the crew landed with a jug to +get some beer. A large basket at the end attracted Jorrocks's attention, +and, doglike, he got up and began to hover about and inquire about their +destination of the remaining crew, four in number. They were a cockney +party of pleasure, it seemed, going to fish, for which purpose they had +hired the boat, and laid in no end of bait for the fish, and prog for +themselves. Jorrocks, though no great fisherman (not having, as he says, +patience enough), is never at a loss if there is plenty of eating; and +finding that they had got a great chicken pie, two tongues, and a tart, +agreed to pay for the boat if they would let us in upon equal terms with +themselves as to the provender, which was agreed to without a debate. +The messenger having returned with a gallon of ale, we embarked, and +away we slid through the "glad waters of the dark blue sea." It was +beautifully calm, scarcely a breeze appearing on the surface. After +rowing for about an hour, one of the boatmen began to adjust the lines +and bait the hooks; and having got into what he esteemed a favourite +spot, he cast anchor and prepared for the sport. Each man was prepared +with a long strong cord line, with a couple of hooks fastened to the +ends of about a foot of whalebone, with a small leaden plummet in the +centre. The hooks were baited with sandworms, and the instructions given +were, after sounding the depth, to raise the hooks a little from the +bottom, so as to let them hang conveniently for the fish to swallow. +Great was the excitement as we dropped the lines overboard, as to who +should catch the first whale. Jorrocks and myself having taken the +fishermen's lines from them, we all met upon pretty equal terms, much +like gentlemen jockeys in a race. A dead silence ensued. "I have one!" +cried the youngest of our new friends. "Then pull him up," responded one +of the boatmen, "gently, or you'll lose him." "And so I have, by God! +he's gone." "Well, never mind," said the boatmen, "let's see your +bait--aye, he's got that, too. We'll put some fresh on--there you are +again--all right. Now drop it gently, and when you find you've hooked +him, wind the line quickly, but quietly, and be sure you don't jerk +the hook out of his mouth at starting." "I've got one!" cries +Jorrocks--"I've got one--now, my wig, if I can but land him. I have him, +certainly--by Jove! he's a wopper, too, judging by the way he kicks. Oh, +but it's no use, sir--come along--come along--here he is--doublets, by +crikey--two, huzza! huzza! What fine ones!--young haddocks or codlings, +I should call them--werry nice eating, I dare say--I'm blow'd if this +arn't sport." "I have one," cries our young friend again. "So have I," +shouts another; and just at the same moment I felt the magic touch of +my bait, and in an instant I felt the thrilling stroke. The fish were +absolutely voracious, and we had nothing short of a miraculous draught. +As fast as we could bait they swallowed, and we frequently pulled them +up two at a time. Jorrocks was in ecstasies. "It was the finest sport he +had ever encountered," and he kept halloaing and shouting every time +he pulled them up, as though he were out with the Surrey. Having just +hooked a second couple, he baited again and dropped his line. Two of our +new friends had hooked fish at the same instant, and, in their eagerness +to take them, overbalanced the boat, and Jorrocks, who was leaning over, +went head foremost down into the deeps! + + * * * * * + + +A terrible surprise came over us, and for a second or two we were so +perfectly thunderstruck as to be incapable of rendering any assistance. +A great splash, followed by a slight gurgling sound, as the water +bubbled and subsided o'er the place where he went down, was all that +denoted the exit of our friend. After a considerable dive he rose to the +surface, minus his hat and wig, but speedily disappeared. The anchor +was weighed, oars put out, and the boat rowed to the spot where he last +appeared. He rose a third time, but out of arms' reach, apparently +lifeless, and just as he was sinking, most probably for ever, one of the +men contrived to slip the end of an oar under his arm, and support him +on the water until he got within reach from the boat. + +The consternation when we got him on board was tremendous! Consisting, +as we did, of two parties, neither knowing where the other had come +from, we remained in a state of stupefied horror, indecision, and +amazement for some minutes. The poor old man lay extended in the bottom +of the boat, apparently lifeless, and even if the vital spark had not +fled, there seemed no chance of reaching Herne Bay, whose pier, just +then gilded by the rich golden rays of the setting sun, appeared in +the far distance of the horizon. Where to row to was the question. No +habitation where effective succour could be procured appeared on the +shore, and to proceed without a certain destination was fruitless. +How helpless such a period as this makes a man feel! "Let's make for +Grace's," at length exclaimed one of the boatmen, and the other catching +at the proposition, the head of the boat was whipped round in an +instant, and away we sped through the glassy-surfaced water. Not a word +broke upon the sound of the splashing oars until, nearing the shore, one +of the men, looking round, directed us to steer a little to the right, +in the direction of a sort of dell or land-break, peculiar to the Isle +of Thanet; and presently we ran the head of the boat upon the shingle, +just where a small rivulet that, descending from the higher grounds, +waters the thickly wooded ravine, and discharges itself into the sea. +The entrance of this dell is formed by a lofty precipitous rock, with a +few stunted overhanging trees on one side, while the other is more open +and softened in its aspect, and though steep and narrow at the mouth, +gently slopes away into a brushwood-covered bank, which, stretching up +the little valley, becomes lost in a forest of lofty oaks that close the +inland prospect of the place. Here, to the left (just after one gets +clear of the steeper part), commanding a view of the sea, and yet almost +concealed from the eye of a careless traveller, was a lonely hut (the +back wall formed by an excavation of the sandy rock) and the rest of +clay, supporting a wooden roof, made of the hull of a castaway wreck, +the abode of an old woman, called Grace Ganderne, well known throughout +the whole Isle of Thanet as a poor harmless secluded widow, who +subsisted partly on the charity of her neighbours, and partly on what +she could glean from the smugglers, for the assistance she affords them +in running their goods on that coast; and though she had been at work +for forty years, she had never had the misfortune to be detected in the +act, notwithstanding the many puncheons of spirits and many bales of +goods fished out of the dark woods near her domicile. + +To this spot it was, just as the "setting sun's pathetic light" had been +succeeded by the grey twilight of the evening, that we bore the body +of our unfortunate companion. The door was closed, but Grace being +accustomed to nocturnal visitors, speedily answered the first summons +and presented herself. She was evidently of immense age, being nearly +bowed double, and her figure, with her silvery hair, confined by a blue +checked cotton handkerchief, and palsied hand, as tremblingly she rested +upon her staff and eyed the group, would have made a subject worthy of +the pencil of a Landseer. She was wrapped in an old red cloak, with +a large hood, and in her ears she wore a pair of long gold-dropped +earrings, similar to what one sees among the Norman peasantry--the gift, +as I afterwards learned, of a drowned lover. After scrutinising us for a +second or two, during which time a large black cat kept walking to and +fro, purring and rubbing itself against her, she held back the door +and beckoned us to enter. The little place was cleanly swept up, and +a faggot and some dry brushwood, which she had just lighted for +the purpose of boiling her kettle, threw a gleam of light over the +apartment, alike her bedchamber, parlour, and kitchen. Her curtainless +bed at the side, covered with a coarse brown counterpane, was speedily +prepared for our friend, into which being laid, our new acquaintances +were dispatched in search of doctors, while the boatman and myself, +under the direction of old Grace, applied ourselves to procuring such +restoratives as her humble dwelling afforded. + +"Let Grace alone," said the younger of the boatmen, seeing my affliction +at the lamentable catastrophe, "if there be but a spark of life in the +gentleman, she'll bring him round--many's the drowning man--aye, and +wounded one, too--that's been brought in here during the stormy nights, +and after fights with the coast-guard--that she's recovered." + +Hot bottles, and hot flannels, and hot bricks were all applied, but in +vain; and when I saw hot brandy, too, fail of having the desired effect, +I gave my friend up as lost, and left the hut to vent my grief in the +open air. Grace was more sanguine and persevering, and when I returned, +after a half-hour's absence, I could distinctly feel a returning pulse. +Still, he gave no symptoms of animation, and it might only be the effect +produced by the applications--as he remained in the same state for +several hours. Fresh wood was added to the fire, and the boatmen having +returned to their vessel, Grace and I proceeded to keep watch during +the night, or until the arrival of a doctor. The poor old body, to whom +scenes such as this were matter of frequent occurrence, seemed to think +nothing of it, and proceeded to relate some of the wonderful escapes and +recoveries she had witnessed, in the course of which she dropped many +a sigh to the memory of some of her friends--the bold smugglers. There +were no such "braw lads" now as formerly, she said, and were it not that +"she was past eighty, and might as weel die in one place as anither, +she wad gang back to the bonny blue hulls (hills) of her ain canny +Scotland." + +In the middle of one of her long stories I thought I perceived a +movement of the bedclothes, and, going to look, I found a considerable +increase in the quickness of pulsation, and also a generous sort of glow +upon the skin. "An' ded I no tell ye I wad recover him?" said she, with +a triumphant look. "Afore twa mair hours are o'er he'll spak to ye." "I +hope so, I'm sure," said I, still almost doubting her. "Oh, trust to +me," said she, "he'll come about--I've seen mony a chiel in a mickle +worse state nor him recovered. Pray, is the ould gintleman your father +or your grandfather?" + +_Yorkshireman._ Why, I can't say that he's either exactly--but he's +always been as good as a grandmother to me, I know. + +Grace was right. About three o'clock in the morning a sort of revulsion +of nature took place, and after having lain insensible, and to all +appearance lifeless, all that time, he suddenly began to move. Casting +his eye wildly around, he seemed lost in amazement. He muttered +something, but what it was I could not catch. + +"Lush-crib again, by Jove!" were the first words he articulated, and +then, appearing to recollect himself, he added, "Oh, I forgot, I'm +drowned--well drowned, too--can't be help'd, however--wasn't born to be +hanged--and that seems clear." Thus he kept muttering and mumbling for +an hour, until old Grace thinking him so far recovered as to remove all +danger from sudden surprise, allowed me to take her seat at the bedside. +He looked at me long and intensely, but the light was not sufficiently +strong to enable him to make out who I was. + +"Jorrocks!" at length said I, taking him by the hand, "how are you, my +old boy?" He started at the sound of his name. "Jorrocks," said he, +"who's that?" "Why, the Yorkshireman; you surely have not forgotten your +old friend and companion in a hundred fights!" + +_Jorrocks._ Oh, Mr. York, it's you, is it? Much obliged by your +inquiries, but I'm drowned. + +_Yorkshireman._ Aye, but you are coming round, you'll be better before +long. + +_Jorrocks._ Never! Don't try to gammon me. You know as well as I do that +I'm drowned, and a drowned man never recovers. No, no, it's all up with +me, I feel. Set down, however, while I say a few words to you. You're a +good fellow, and I've remembered you in my will, which you'll find in +the strong port-wine-bin, along with nine pounds secret service money. +I hopes you'll think the legacy a fat one. I meant it as such. If you +marry Belinda, I have left you a third of my fourth in the tea trade. +Always said you were cut out for a grocer. Let Tat sell my stud. An +excellent man, Tat--proudish perhaps--at least, he never inwites me to +none of his dinners--but still a werry good man. Let him sell them, I +say, and mind give Snapdragon a charge or two of shot before he goes +to the 'ammer, to prevent his roaring. Put up a plain monument to my +memory--black or white marble, whichever's cheapest--but mind, no Cupids +or seraphums, or none of those sort of things--quite plain--with just +this upon it--_Hic jacet Jorrocks._ And now I'll give you a bit of news. +Neptune has appointed me huntsman to his pack of haddocks. Have two +dolphins for my own riding, and a young lobster to look after them. +Lord Farebrother whips in to me--he rides a turtle. "And now, my good +friend," said he, grasping my hands with redoubled energy, "do you think +you could accomplish me a rump-steak and oyster sauce?--also a pot of +stout?--but, mind, blow the froth off the top, for it's bad for the +kidneys!" + + +THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities +by Robert Smith Surtees + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + +***** This file should be named 15387-8.txt or 15387-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/8/15387/ + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15387-8.zip b/15387-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e0cf8e --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-8.zip diff --git a/15387-h.zip b/15387-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1201eff --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-h.zip diff --git a/15387-h/15387-h.htm b/15387-h/15387-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..385791d --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-h/15387-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,10874 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1"> + <title>Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities</title> + <meta name="author" content="Robert Surtees"> + +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} +p {text-align: justify} +blockquote {text-align: justify} + +hr {width: 50%; text-align: center} +hr.full {width: 100%} +hr.short {width: 20%; text-align: center} + +.note {font-size: 0.8em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%} +.footnote {font-size: 0.8em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%} +.side {padding-left: 10px; font-weight: bold; font-size: 75%; + float: right; margin-left: 10px; border-left: thin dashed; + width: 25%; text-indent: 0px; font-style: italic; text-align: left} + +.lef {float: left} +.mid {text-align: center} +.rig {float: right} + +span.pagenum {font-size: 8pt; left: 91%; right: 1%; position: absolute} +span.linenum {font-size: 8pt; right: 91%; left: 1%; position: absolute} + +.poem {margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; + text-align: left} +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em} +.poem .stanza.i {margin: 1em 0em; font-style: italic;} +.poem p {padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em} +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em} +.poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em} +.poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em} +.poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em} +.poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em} + + + +--> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities, by Robert Smith Surtees + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + +Author: Robert Smith Surtees + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15387] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + + + + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<h1>Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities</h1> +<br> + +<h3>Robert Surtees</h3> +<br><br> + +<p class="mid"><b>CONTENTS</b></p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><a href="#I">I.</a> THE SWELL AND THE SURREY</p> +<p><a href="#II">II.</a> THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY</p> +<p><a href="#III">III.</a> SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE</p> +<p><a href="#IV">IV.</a> MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS</p> +<p><a href="#V">V.</a> THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET</p> +<p><a href="#VI">VI.</a> A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY</p> +<p><a href="#VII">VII.</a> AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE</p> +<p><a href="#VIII">VIII.</a> THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH</p> +<p><a href="#IX">IX.</a> MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS</p> +<p><a href="#X">X.</a> SPORTING IN FRANCE</p> +<p><a href="#XI">XI.</a> A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE"</p> +<p><a href="#XII">XII.</a> MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY</p> +<p><a href="#XIII">XIII.</a> THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN</p> + </div> </div> +<br><br> + +<a name="I" id="I"></a> +<h3>I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY</h3> + + +<p>What true-bred city sportsman has not in his day put +off the most urgent business—perhaps his marriage, or +even the interment of his rib—that he might "brave +the morn" with that renowned pack, the Surrey subscription +foxhounds? Lives there, we would ask, a +thoroughbred, prime, bang-up, slap-dash, break-neck, +out-and-out artist, within three miles of the Monument, +who has not occasionally "gone a good 'un" with this +celebrated pack? And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, +born all deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft +have witnessed—nay, shared—the hardy exploits of our +fellow-cits, shall we sit still, and never cease the eternal +twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, while +other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats +of beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father +Thames himself with muddy Whissendine's foul stream? +Away! thou vampire, Indolence, that suckest the marrow +of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of idea ere +yet it float on the milk of reflection. Hence! slug-begotten +hag, thy power is gone—the murky veil thou'st drawn +o'er memory's sweetest page is rent!</p> + +<blockquote><p> +Harp of Eastcheap, awake! +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Our thoughts hark back to the cover-side, and our +heart o'erflows with recollections of the past, when life +rode the pace through our veins, and the bark of the +veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest costermonger's +sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more musical sounds than +Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalani's clamorous caterwaulings.</p> + +<p>And, thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow—chaste Diana—deign +to become the leading star of our lucubrations; +come perch upon our grey goose quill; shout in our ear +the maddening Tally-ho! and ever and anon give a +salutary "refresher" to our memory with thy heaven-wrought +spurs—those spurs old Vulcan forged when in +his maddest mood—whilst we relate such feats of town-born +youths and city squires, as shall "harrow up the +souls" of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and "fright +their grass-galloping garrons from their propriety." But +gently, Pegasus!—Here again, boys, and "let's to +business," as they say on 'Change.</p> + +<p>'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that +such portion of a county as is hunted by any one pack +of hounds is technically denominated their country; +and of all countries under the sun, that of the Surrey +subscription foxhounds undoubtedly bears the bell. +This superiority arises from the peculiar nature of the +soil—wretched starvation stuff most profusely studded +with huge sharp flints—the abundance of large woods, +particularly on the Kent side, and the range of mountainous +hills that run directly through the centre, which +afford accommodation to the timid, and are unknown +in most counties and unequalled in any.</p> + +<p>One of the most striking features in the aspect of +this chosen region of fox-hunting, is the quiet easy +manner in which the sportsmen take the thing. On they +go—now trotting gently over the flints—now softly +ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous +hill—now quietly following each other in long-drawn +files, like geese, through some close and deep ravine, +or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their never-ceasing +holloas—every man shouting in proportion to +the amount of his subscription, until day is made +horrible with their yelling. There is no pushing, jostling, +rushing, cramming, or riding over one another; no +jealousy, discord, or daring; no ridiculous foolhardy +feats; but each man cranes and rides, and rides and +cranes in a style that would gladden the eye of a +director of an insurance office.</p> + +<p>The members of the Surrey are the people that +combine business with pleasure, and even in the severest +run can find time for sweet discourse, and talk about the +price of stocks or stockings. "Yooi wind him there, good +dog, yooi wind him."—"Cottons is fell."—"Hark to +Cottager! Hark!"—"Take your bill at three months, +or give you three and a half discount for cash." "Eu in +there, eu in, Cheapside, good dog."—"Don't be in a +hurry, sir, pray. He may be in the empty casks behind +the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push +him out."—"You're not going down that bank, surely +sir? Why, it's almost perpendicular! For God's sake, sir, +take care—remember you are not insured. Ah! you +had better get off—here, let me hold your nag, and when +you're down you can catch mine;—that's your sort but +mind he doesn't break the bridle. He won't run away, +for he knows I've got some sliced carrots in my pocket +to reward him if he does well.—Thank you, sir, and now +for a leg up—there we are—that's your sort—I'll wait +till you are up also, and we'll be off together."</p> + +<p>It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business +of life with the energetic sports of the field, that constitutes +the charm of Surrey hunting; and who can +wonder that smoke-dried cits, pent up all the week, +should gladly fly from their shops to enjoy a day's +sport on a Saturday? We must not, however, omit +to express a hope that young men, who have their way +to make in the world, may not be led astray by its +allurements. It is all very well for old-established shopkeepers +"to do a bit of pleasure" occasionally, but the +apprentice or journeyman, who understands his duties +and the tricks of his trade, will never be found capering +in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place is +behind the counter; and while his master is away +enjoying the pleasures of the chase, he can prig as +much "pewter" from the till as will take both himself +and his lass to Sadler's Wells theatre, or any other +place she may choose to appoint.</p> + +<p>But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, +nine miles from the standard in Cornhill, is the general +rendezvous of the gallant sportsmen. It is the principal +market town in the eastern division of the county of +Surrey; and the chaw-bacons who carry the produce of +their acres to it, instead of to the neighbouring village +of London, retain much of their pristine barbarity. The +town furnishes an interesting scene on a hunting morning, +particularly on a Saturday. At an early hour, groups +of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from the London +side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches,<a id="footnotetag1" name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> some in taxed +carts, but the greater number mounted on good serviceable-looking +nags, of the invaluable species, calculated +for sport or business, "warranted free from vice, and +quiet both to ride and in harness"; some few there are, +who, with that kindness and considerate attention which +peculiarly mark this class of sportsmen, have tacked a +buggy to their hunter, and given a seat to a friend, who +leaning over the back of the gig, his jocund phiz turned +towards his fidus Achates, leads his own horse behind, +listening to the discourse of "his ancient," or regaling +him "with sweet converse"; and thus they onward jog, +until the sign of the "Greyhound," stretching quite +across the main street, greets their expectant optics, +and seems to forbid their passing the open portal below. +In they wend then, and having seen their horses +"sorted," and the collar marks (as much as may be) +carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due +quantity of grease and lamp-black, speed in to "mine +host" and order a sound repast of the good things of +this world; the which to discuss, they presently apply +themselves with a vigour that indicates as much a +determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in +stock against the effects of future exertion. Meanwhile +the bustle increases; sportsmen arrive by the score, +fresh tables are laid out, covered with "no end" of +vivers; and towards the hour of nine, may be heard to +perfection, that pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing +from the masticatory organs of a number of men steadfastly +and studiously employed in the delightful occupation +of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. "O +noctes coenęque Deūm," said friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting +breakfasts! say we. Where are now the jocund laugh, +the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the last debate? As +our sporting contemporary, the <i>Quarterly</i>, said, when +describing the noiseless pursuit of old reynard by the +Quorn: "Reader, there is no crash now, and not much +music." It is the tinker that makes a great noise over +a little work, but, at the pace these men are eating, +there is no time for babbling. So, gentle lector, there is +now no leisure for bandying compliments, 'tis your +small eater alone who chatters o'er his meals; your +true-born sportsman is ever a silent and, consequently, +an assiduous grubber. True it is that occasionally +space is found between mouthfuls to vociferate +"WAITER!" in a tone that requires not repetition; +and most sonorously do the throats of the assembled +eaters re-echo the sound; but this is all—no useless +exuberance of speech—no, the knife or fork is directed +towards what is wanted, nor needs there any more +expressive intimation of the applicant's wants.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b><a href="#footnotetag1"> (return) </a> The date of this description, it must be remembered, is put +many years back.</blockquote> + +<p>At length the hour of ten approaches; bills are paid, +pocket-pistols filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses +accoutred, and our bevy straddle forth into the town, +to the infinite gratification of troops of dirty-nosed +urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in +at the windows, impatiently watching for the <i>exeunt</i> +of our worthies.—They mount, and away—trot, trot—bump, +bump—trot, trot—bump, bump—over Addington +Heath, through the village, and up the hill to Hayes +Common, which having gained, spurs are applied, and +any slight degree of pursiness that the good steeds may +have acquired by standing at livery in Cripplegate, or +elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a smart +brush over the turf, to the "Fox," at Keston, where +a numerous assemblage of true sportsmen patiently +await the usual hour for throwing off. At length time +being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, and +Mr. Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal +subscribers having cast up, the hounds approach the +cover. "Yooi in there!" shouts Tom Hills, who has +long hunted this crack pack; and crack! crack! crack! +go the whips of some scores of sportsmen. "Yelp, +yelp, yelp," howl the hounds; and in about a quarter +of an hour Tom has not above four or five couple at +his heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad +at a gap in the fence by the wood-side; the old nag goes +well at it, but stops short at the critical moment, and, +instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels round. +Tom, however, who is "large in the boiling pieces," as +they say at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight +from being shaken out of his saddle; and, being resolved +to take no denial, he lays the crop of his hunting-whip +about the head of his beast, and runs him at the same +spot a second time, with an <i>obligato</i> accompaniment of +his spur-rowels, backed by a "curm along then!" issued +in such a tone as plainly informs his quadruped he is in +no joking humour. These incentives succeed in landing +Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when, immediately, +the wood begins to resound with shouts of +"Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks push him +up, yoicks wind him!" and the whole pack begin to +work like good 'uns. Occasionally may be heard the +howl of some unfortunate hound that has been caught +in a fox trap, or taken in a hare snare; and not unfrequently +the discordant growls of some three or four +more, vociferously quarrelling over the venerable +remains of some defunct rabbit. "Oh, you rogues!" +cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously fond of the sport. +After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the wood +for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastising the +gourmands. Another quarter of an hour, and a hound +that has finished his coney bone slips out of the wood, +and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, no +doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching +his hide among brambles in the covers. "Hounds have +no right to opine," opines the head whipper-in; so +clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the +delinquent round the common, with "Markis, Markis! +what are you at, Markis? get into cover, Markis!" +But "it's no go"; Marquis creeps through a hedge, +and "grins horribly a ghastly smile" at his ruthless +tormentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had +an excuse for taking "a bit gallop"! Half an hour more +slips away, and some of the least hasty of our cits begin +to wax impatient, in spite of the oft-repeated admonition, +"don't be in a hurry!" At length a yokel pops out +of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered breath, +informs the field that he has been "a-hollorin' to 'em for +half an hour," and that the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, +'most as soon as ever the 'oounds went into 'ood."</p> + +<p>All is now hurry-scurry—girths are tightened—reins +gathered up—half-munched sandwiches thrust into the +mouth—pocket-pistols applied to—coats comfortably +buttoned up to the throat; and, these preparations +made, away goes the whole field, "coolly and fairly," +along the road to Leaves Green and Crown Ash Hill—from +which latter spot, the operations of the pack in +the bottom may be comfortably and securely viewed—leaving +the whips to flog as many hounds out of cover +as they can, and Tom to entice as many more as are +willing to follow the "twang, twang, twang" of his horn.</p> + +<p>And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been +seduced from the wood, forth sallies "Tummas," and +making straight for the spot where our yokel's "mate" +stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him the +exact latitude and longitude of the spot where reynard +broke through the hedge. To this identical place is the +pack forthwith led; and, no sooner have they reached it, +than the wagging of their sterns clearly shows how +genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at length, first +looking up in Tom's face for applause, ventures to send +forth a long-drawn howl, which, coupled with Tom's +screech, setting the rest agog, away they all go, like +beans; and the wind, fortunately setting towards Westerham, +bears the melodious sound to the delighted ears +of our "roadsters," who, forthwith catching the infection, +respond with deafening shouts and joyous yells, +set to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony. +Thus, what with Tom's horn, the holloaing of the whips, +and the shouts of the riders, a very pretty notion may +be formed of what Virgil calls:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Clamorque virūm, clangorque tubarum."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>A terrible noise is the result!</p> + +<p>At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come to +fault in the bottom, below the blacksmith's, at Crown +Ash Hill, and the fox has a capital chance; in fact, +they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, which +rushed out before them, and finding their mistake, +return at their leisure. This gives the most daring of +the field, on the eminence, an opportunity of descending +to view the sport more closely; and being assembled in +the bottom, each congratulates his neighbour on the +excellent condition and stanchness of the hounds, and +the admirable view that has been afforded them of +their peculiar style of hunting. At this interesting period, +a "regular swell" from Melton Mowbray, unknown to +everyone except his tailor, to whom he owes a long +tick, makes his appearance and affords abundance of +merriment for our sportsmen. He is just turned out +of the hands of his valet, and presents the very beau-ideal +of his caste—"quite the lady," in fact. His hat +is stuck on one side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed +ringlets; a corresponding infinity of whisker, terminating +at the chin, there joins an enormous pair of moustaches, +which give him the appearance of having caught the +fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His +neck is very stiff; and the exact Jackson-like fit of his +coat, which almost nips him in two at the waist, and his +superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,<a id="footnotetag2" name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a> together +with the perfume and the general puppyism of his +appearance, proclaim that he is a "swell" of the very +first water, and one that a Surrey sportsman would like +to buy at his own price and sell at the other's. In addition +to this, his boots, which his "fellow" has just +denuded from a pair of wash-leather covers, are of the +finest, brightest, blackest patent leather imaginable; +the left one being the identical boot by which Warren's +monkey shaved himself, while the right is the one at +which the game-cock pecked, mistaking its own shadow +for an opponent, the mark of its bill being still visible +above the instep; and the tops—whose pampered +appetites have been fed on champagne—are of the +most delicate cream-colour, the whole devoid of mud +or speck. The animal he bestrides is no less calculated +than himself to excite the risible faculties of the field, +being a sort of mouse colour, with dun mane and tail, +got by Nicolo, out of a flibbertigibbet mare, and he +stands seventeen hands and an inch. His head is small +and blood-like, his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very +long and spidery, of course without any hair at the +pasterns to protect them from the flints; his whole +appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile +hunters' stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than +contend for foxes' brushes in such a splendid country +as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail stuck +tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all +the world as if troubled with a fit of ague. And well he +may, poor beast, for—oh, men of Surrey, London, Kent, +and Middlesex, hearken to my word—on closer inspection +he proves to have been shaved!!!<a id="footnotetag3" name="footnotetag3"></a><a href="#footnote3"><sup>3</sup></a></p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote2" name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b><a href="#footnotetag2"> (return) </a> Anderson, of South Audley Street, is, or was, a famous +breeches-maker.</blockquote> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote3" name="footnote3"></a><b>Footnote 3:</b><a href="#footnotetag3"> (return) </a> Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back. It +was succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing.</blockquote> + +<p>After a considerable time spent in casting to the +right, the left, and the rear, "True-bouy" chances to +take a fling in advance, and hitting upon the scent, +proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing all +his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over some +brick-fields and flint-beds, to an old lady's flower-garden, +through which they carry it with a surprising +head into the fields beyond, when they begin to fall +into line, and the sportsmen doing the same—"one at +a time and it will last the longer"—"Tummas" tootles +his horn, the hunt is up, and away they all rattle at +"Parliament pace," as the hackney-coachmen say.</p> + +<p>Our swell, who flatters himself he can "ride a few," +according to the fashion of his country, takes up a line +of his own, abreast of the leading hounds, notwithstanding +the oft vociferated cry of "Hold hard, sir!" "Pray, +hold hard, sir!" "For God's sake, hold hard, sir!" +"G—d d—n you, hold hard, sir!" "Where the h—ll +are you going to, sir?" and other familiar inquiries and +benedictions, with which a stranger is sometimes greeted, +who ventures to take a look at a strange pack of hounds.</p> + +<p>In the meantime the fox, who has often had a game +at romps with his pursuers, being resolved this time to +give them a tickler, bears straight away for Westerham, +to the infinite satisfaction of the "hill folks," who thus +have an excellent opportunity of seeing the run without +putting their horses to the trouble of "rejoicing in their +strength, or pawing in the valley." But who is so fortunate +as to be near the scene of action in this second +scurry, almost as fast as the first? Our fancy supplies +us, and there not being many, we will just initialise +them all, and let he whom the cap fits put it on.</p> + +<p>If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three +couple of hounds that are leading by some half mile or +so, we shall see "Swell"—like a monkey on a giraffe—striding +away in the true Leicestershire style; the animal +contracting its stride after every exertion in pulling its +long legs out of the deep and clayey soil, until the +Bromley barber, who has been quilting his mule along +at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon at anyone presuming +to exercise his profession upon a dumb brute, +overtakes him, and in the endeavour to pass, lays it +into his mule in a style that would insure him rotatory +occupation at Brixton for his spindles, should any +member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty +to Animals witness his proceedings; while his friend +and neighbour old B——, the tinker, plies his little +mare with the Brummagems, to be ready to ride over +"Swell" the instant the barber gets him down. On the +right of the leading hounds are three crack members of +the Surrey, Messrs. B—e, S—bs, and B—l, all lads who +can go; while a long way in the rear of the body of the +pack are some dozen, who, while they sat on the hills, +thought they could also, but who now find out their +mistake. Down Windy Lane, a glimpse of a few red +coats may be caught passing the gaps and weak parts +of the fence, among whom we distinctly recognise the +worthy master of the pack, followed by Jorrocks, with +his long coat-laps floating in the breeze, who thinking +that "catching-time" must be near at hand, and being +dearly fond of blood, has descended from his high station +to witness the close of the scene. "Vot a pace! and vot a +country!" cries the grocer, standing high in his stirrups, +and bending over the neck of his chestnut as though he +were meditating a plunge over his head; "how they +stick to him! vot a pack! by Jove they are at fault +again. Yooi, Pilgrim! Yooi, Warbler, ma load! (lad). +Tom, try down the hedge-row." "Hold your jaw, +Mr. J——," cries Tom, "you are always throwing that +red rag of yours. I wish you would keep your potato-trap +shut. See! you've made every hound throw up, +and it's ten to one that ne'er a one among 'em will +stoop again." "Yonder he goes," cries a cock of the old +school, who used to hunt with Colonel Jolliffe's hounds, +and still sports the long blue surtout lined with orange, +yellow-ochre unmentionables, and mahogany-coloured +knee-caps, with mother-of-pearl buttons. "Yonder he +goes among the ship (sheep), for a thousand! see how the +skulking waggabone makes them scamper." At this +particular moment a shrill scream is heard at the far +end of a long shaw, and every man pushes on to the +best of his endeavour. "Holloo o-o-u, h'loo o-o-u, h'loo—o-o-u, +gone away! gone away! forward! forrard! hark +back! hark forrard! hark forrard! hark back!" resounds +from every mouth. "He's making for the 'oods beyond +Addington, and we shall have a rare teaser up these hills," +cries Jorrocks, throwing his arms round his horse's neck +as he reaches the foot of them.—"D—n your hills," +cries "Swell," as he suddenly finds himself sitting on +the hindquarters of his horse, his saddle having slipped +back for want of a breastplate,—"I wish the hills had +been piled on your back, and the flints thrust down your +confounded throat, before I came into such a cursed +provincial." "Haw, haw, haw!" roars a Croydon butcher. +"What don't 'e like it, sir, eh? too sharp to be pleasant, +eh?—Your nag should have put on his boots before he +showed among us."</p> + +<p>"He's making straight for Fuller's farm," exclaims a +thirsty veteran on reaching the top, "and I'll pull up +and have a nip of ale, please God." "Hang your ale," +cries a certain sporting cheesemonger, "you had better +come out with a barrel of it tacked to your horse's +tail."—"Or 'unt on a steam-engine," adds his friend +the omnibus proprietor, "and then you can brew as +you go." "We shall have the Croydon Canal," cries +Mr. H——n, of Tottenham, who knows every flint in +the country, "and how will you like that, my hearties?" +"Curse the Croydon Canal," bawls the little Bromley +barber, "my mule can swim like a soap-bladder, and my +toggery can't spoil, thank God!"</p> + +<p>The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's farm, +the villain finds no place to hide; and in two minutes, or +less, the canal appears in view. It is full of craft, and the +locks are open, but there is a bridge about half a mile to +the right. "If my horse can do nothing else he can jump +this," cries "Swell," as he gathers him together, and +prepares for the effort. He hardens his heart and goes +at it full tilt, and the leggy animal lands him three +yards on the other side. "Curse this fellow," cries +Jorrocks, grinning with rage as he sees "Swell" skimming +through the air like a swallow on a summer's eve, "he'll +have a laugh at the Surrey, for ever and ever, Amen. +Oh, dear! oh, dear! I wish I durst leap it. What shall +I do? Here bargee," cries he to a bargeman, "lend us a +help over and I'll give you ninepence." The bargeman +takes him at his word, and getting the vessel close to the +water's edge, Jorrocks has nothing to do but ride in, +and, the opposite bank being accommodating, he lands +without difficulty. Ramming his spurs into his nag, he +now starts after "Swell," who is sailing away with a +few couple of hounds that took the canal; the body of +the pack and all the rest of the field—except the Bromley +barber, who is now floundering in the water—having +gone round to the bridge.</p> + +<p>The country is open, the line being across commons +and along roads, so that Jorrocks, who is not afraid of +"the pace" so long as there is no leaping, has a pretty +good chance with "Swell." The scene now shifts. On +turning out of a lane, along which they have just rattled, +a fence of this description appears: The bottom part is +made of flints, and the upper part of mud, with gorse +stuck along the top, and there is a gutter on each side. +Jorrocks, seeing that a leap is likely, hangs astern, and +"Swell," thinking to shake off his only opponent, and to +have a rare laugh at the Surrey when he gets back to +Melton, puts his nag at it most manfully, who, though +somewhat blown, manages to get his long carcass over, +but, unfortunately alighting on a bed of flints on the far +side, cuts a back sinew, and "Swell" measures his length +on the headland. Jorrocks then pulls up.</p> + +<p>The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death, +and we are happy in being able to gratify our readers +with a similar entertainment. Already have the best-mounted +men in the field attained the summit of one of +the Mont Blancs of the country, when on looking down +the other side of the "mountain's brow," they, to their +infinite astonishment, espy at some distance our "Swell" +dismounted and playing at "pull devil, pull baker" +with the hounds, whose discordant bickerings rend the +skies. "Whoo-hoop!" cries one; "whoo-hoop!" responds +another; "whoo-hoop!" screams a third; and the contagion +spreading, and each man dismounting, they +descend the hill with due caution, whoo-hooping, +hallooing, and congratulating each other on the splendour +of the run, interspersed with divers surmises as +to what mighty magic had aided the hounds in getting +on such good terms with the warmint, and exclamations +at the good fortune of the stranger, in being able (by +nicking,<a id="footnotetag4" name="footnotetag4"></a><a href="#footnote4"><sup>4</sup></a> and the fox changing his line) to get in at +the finish.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote4" name="footnote4"></a><b>Footnote 4:</b><a href="#footnotetag4"> (return) </a> A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members +of the hunt.</blockquote> + +<p>And now some dozens of sportsmen quietly ambling +up to the scene of action, view with delight (alone +equalled by their wonder at so unusual and unexpected +an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as they dispute +with each other the possession of their victim's remains, +when suddenly a gentleman, clad in a bright green silk-velvet +shooting-coat, with white leathers, and Hessian +boots with large tassels, carrying his Joe Manton on his +shoulder, issues from an adjoining coppice, and commences +a loud complaint of the "unhandsome conduct +of the gentlemen's 'ounds in devouring the 'are (hare) +which he had taken so much pains to shoot." Scarcely +are these words out of his mouth than the whole hunt, +from Jorrocks downwards, let drive such a rich torrent +of abuse at our unfortunate <i>chasseur</i>, that he is fain to +betake himself to his heels, leaving them undisputed +masters of the field.</p> + +<p>The visages of our sportsmen become dismally +lengthened on finding that their fox has been "gathered +unto his fathers" by means of hot lead and that villainous +saltpetre "digged out of the bowels of the +harmless earth"; some few, indeed, there are who are +bold enough to declare that the pack has actually made +a meal of a hare, and that their fox is snugly earthed in +the neighbouring cover. However, as there are no +"reliquias Danaum," to prove or disprove this assertion, +Tom Hills, having an eye to the cap-money, ventures to +give it as his opinion, that pug has fairly yielded to his +invincible pursuers, without having "dropped to shot." +This appearing to give very general satisfaction, the +first whip makes no scruple of swearing that he saw +the hounds pull him down fairly; and Peckham, drawing +his mouth up on one side, with his usual intellectual +grin, takes a similar affidavit. The Bromley barber too, +anxious to have it to say that he has for once been in +at the death of a fox, vows by his beard that he saw +the "varmint" lathered in style; and these protestations +being received with clamorous applause, and +everyone being pleased to have so unusual an event to +record to his admiring spouse, agrees that a fox has not +only been killed, but killed in a most sportsmanlike, +workmanlike, businesslike manner; and long and loud +are the congratulations, great is the increased importance +of each man's physiognomy, and thereupon they all lug +out their half-crowns for Tom Hills.</p> + +<p>In the meantime our "Swell" lays hold of his nag—who +is sorely damaged with the flints, and whose wind +has been pretty well pumped out of him by the hills—and +proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly +promising himself for the future most studiously to +avoid the renowned county of Surrey, its woods, its +barbers, its mountains, and its flints, and to leave +more daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it +presents; most religiously resolving, at the same time, +to return as speedily as possible to his dear Leicestershire, +there to amble o'er the turf, and fancy himself +an "angel on horseback." The story of the country +mouse, who must needs see the town, occurs forcibly +to his recollection, and he exclaims aloud:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i10"> "me sylva, cavusque</p> +<p>Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>On overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to his +brother subscribers, and informs them, very gravely, +that the stranger is no less a personage than "Prince +Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and minister +plenipotentiary extraordinary," whereupon the whole +field join in wishing him safe back in Russia—or anywhere +else—and wonder at his incredible assurance in +supposing that he could cope with THE SURREY HUNT.</p> +<br><br> + +<a name="II" id="II"></a> +<h3>II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY</h3> + +<p>It is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds they +individually hunt with are the best—compared with +them all others are "slow."</p> + +<p>Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks—who +in addition to the conspicuous place he holds in +the Surrey Hunt, as shown in the preceding chapter, we +should introduce to our readers as a substantial grocer +in St. Botolph's Lane, with an elegant residence in +Great Coram Street, Russell Square—has his full, if +not rather more than his fair share. Vanity, however, +is never satisfied without display, and Mr. Jorrocks +longed for a customer before whom he could exhibit +the prowess of his<a id="footnotetag5" name="footnotetag5"></a><a href="#footnote5"><sup>5</sup></a> pack.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote5" name="footnote5"></a><b>Footnote 5:</b><a href="#footnotetag5"> (return) </a> Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the +hounds as their own.</blockquote> + +<p>Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman, who +frequently appearing in subsequent pages, we may +introduce as a loosish sort of hand, up to anything +in the way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash—a +character so common in London, as to render further +description needless.</p> + +<p>Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a +dragoon, is nothing without his horse, and if he does +understand anything better than racing—it is hunting. +Our readers will therefore readily conceive that a Yorkshireman +is more likely to be astonished at the possibility +of fox-hunting from London, than captivated by the +country, or style of turn-out; and in truth, looking at +it calmly and dispassionately, in our easy-chair drawn +to a window which overlooks the cream of the grazing +grounds in the Vale of White Horse, it does strike us +with astonishment, that such a thing as a fox should be +found within a day's ride of the suburbs. The very idea +seems preposterous, for one cannot but associate the +charms of a "find" with the horrors of "going to +ground" in an omnibus, or the fox being headed by a +great Dr. Eady placard, or some such monstrosity. +Mr. Mayne,<a id="footnotetag6" name="footnotetag6"></a><a href="#footnote6"><sup>6</sup></a> to be sure, has brought racing home to +every man's door, but fox-hunting is not quite so +tractable a sport. But to our story.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote6" name="footnote6"></a><b>Footnote 6:</b><a href="#footnotetag6"> (return) </a> The promoter of the Hippodrome, near Bayswater—a +speculation that soon came to grief.</blockquote> + +<p>It was on a nasty, cold, foggy, dark, drizzling morning +in the month of February, that the Yorkshireman, having +been offered a "mount" by Mr. Jorrocks, found himself +shivering under the Piazza in Covent Garden about seven +o'clock, surrounded by cabs, cabbages, carrots, ducks, +dollys, and drabs of all sorts, waiting for his horse and +the appearance of the friend who had seduced him into +the extraordinary predicament of attiring himself in +top-boots and breeches in London. After pacing up and +down some minutes, the sound of a horse's hoofs were +heard turning down from Long Acre, and reaching the +lamp-post at the corner of James Street, his astonished +eyes were struck with the sight of a man in a capacious, +long, full-tailed, red frock coat reaching nearly to his +spurs, with mother-of-pearl buttons, with sporting +devices—which afterwards proved to be foxes, done in +black—brown shag breeches, that would have been +spurned by the late worthy master of the Hurworth,<a id="footnotetag7" name="footnotetag7"></a><a href="#footnote7"><sup>7</sup></a> +and boots, that looked for all the world as if they were +made to tear up the very land and soil, tied round the +knees with pieces of white tape, the flowing ends of +which dangled over the mahogany-coloured tops. +Mr. Jorrocks—whose dark collar, green to his coat, +and <i>tout ensemble</i>, might have caused him to be mistaken +for a mounted general postman—was on a most +becoming steed—a great raking, raw-boned chestnut, +with a twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated with a +faded yellow silk front, a nose-band, and an ivory +ring under his jaws, for the double purpose of keeping +the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head—the +nag having flattened the noses and otherwise +damaged the countenances of his two previous owners, +who had not the knack of preventing him tossing his +head in their faces. The saddle—large and capacious—made +on the principle of the impossibility of putting +a round of beef upon a pudding plate—was "spick and +span new," as was an enormous hunting-whip, whose +iron-headed hammer he clenched in a way that would +make the blood curdle in one's veins, to see such an +instrument in the hands of a misguided man.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote7" name="footnote7"></a><b>Footnote 7:</b><a href="#footnotetag7"> (return) </a> The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called "Matty Wilkinson," +master of the Hurworth foxhounds, was a rigid adherent +of the "d——n-all-dandy" school of sportsmen.</blockquote> + +<p>"Punctuality is the politeness of princes," said +Mr. Jorrocks, raising a broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned +hat, as high as a green hunting-cord which tackled +it to his yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow, +as he came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner. "My +soul's on fire and eager for the chase! By heavens, I declare +I've dreamt of nothing else all night, and the worst +of it is, that in a par-ox-ism of delight, when I thought +I saw the darlings running into the warmint, I brought +Mrs. J—— such a dig in the side as knocked her out of +bed, and she swears she'll go to Jenner, and the court +for the protection of injured ribs! But come—jump up—where's +your nag? Binjimin, you blackguard, where +are you? The fog is blinding me, I declare! Binjimin, +I say! Binjimin! you willain, where are you?"</p> + +<p>"Here, sir! coming!" responded a voice from the +bottom of one of the long mugs at a street breakfast +stall, which the fog almost concealed from their view, +and presently an urchin in a drab coat and blue collar +came towing a wretched, ewe-necked, hungry-looking, +roan rosinante along from where he had been regaling +himself with a mug of undeniable bohea, sweetened with +a composition of brown sugar and sand.</p> + +<p>"Now be after getting up," said Jorrocks, "for time +and the Surrey 'ounds wait for no man. That's not a +werry elegant tit, but still it'll carry you to Croydon +well enough, where I'll put you on a most undeniable +bit of 'orse-flesh—a reg'lar clipper. That's a hack—what +they calls three-and-sixpence a side, but I only +pays half a crown. Now, Binjimin, cut away home, +and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at half-past five +to a minute, and to be most particular in doing the +lamb to a turn."</p> + +<p>The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the old +flat-flapped hack saddle, and got his stirrups let out +from "Binjimin's" length to his own, gathered up the +stiff, weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a touch +with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr. Jorrocks. +The morning appeared to be getting worse. Instead of +the grey day-dawn of the country, when the thin +transparent mist gradually rises from the hills, revealing +an unclouded landscape, a dense, thick, yellow fog came +rolling in masses along the streets, obscuring the gas +lights, and rendering every step one of peril. It could be +both eat and felt, and the damp struck through their +clothes in the most summary manner. "This is bad," +said Mr. Jorrocks, coughing as he turned the corner by +Drury Lane, making for Catherine Street, and upset an +early breakfast and periwinkle stall, by catching one +corner of the fragile fabric with his toe, having ridden +too near to the pavement. "Where are you for now? +and bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster!" roared a stout +Irish wench, emerging from a neighbouring gin-palace +on seeing the dainty viands rolling in the street. "Cut +away!" cried Jorrocks to his friend, running his horse +between one of George Stapleton's dust-carts and a +hackney-coach, "or the Philistines will be upon us." +The fog and crowd concealed them, but "Holloa! mind +where you're going, you great haw-buck!" from a buy-a-hearth-stone +boy, whose stock-in-trade Jorrocks nearly +demolished, as he crossed the corner of Catherine Street +before him, again roused his vigilance. "The deuce be +in the fog," said he, "I declare I can't see across the +Strand. It's as dark as a wolf's mouth.—Now where +are you going to with that meazly-looking cab of yours?—you've +nearly run your shafts into my 'oss's ribs!" +cried he to a cabman who nearly upset him. The Strand +was kept alive by a few slip-shod housemaids, on their +marrow-bones, washing the doorsteps, or ogling the +neighbouring pot-boy on his morning errand for the +pewters. Now and then a crazy jarvey passed slowly by, +while a hurrying mail, with a drowsy driver and sleeping +guard, rattled by to deliver their cargo at the post +office. Here and there appeared one of those beings, +who like the owl hide themselves by day, and are visible +only in the dusk. Many of them appeared to belong to +the other world. Poor, puny, ragged, sickly-looking +creatures, that seemed as though they had been suckled +and reared with gin. "How different," thought the +Yorkshireman to himself, "to the fine, stout, active +labourer one meets at an early hour on a hunting +morning in the country!" His reverie was interrupted +on arriving opposite the <i>Morning Chronicle</i> office, by +the most discordant yells that ever issued from human +beings, and on examining the quarter from whence they +proceeded, a group of fifty or a hundred boys, or rather +little old men, were seen with newspapers in their hands +and under their arms, in all the activity of speculation +and exchange. "A clean <i>Post</i> for Tuesday's <i>Times</i>!" +bellowed one. "I want the <i>Hurl</i>! (Herald) for the +<i>Satirist</i>!" shouted another. "Bell's <i>Life</i> for the <i>Bull</i>! +<i>The Spectator</i> for the <i>Sunday Times</i>!"</p> + +<p>The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a +change of the chorus, and immediately Jorrocks was +assailed with "A hunter! a hunter! crikey, a hunter! +My eyes! there's a gamecock for you! Vot a beauty! +Vere do you turn out to-day? Vere's the stag? Don't +tumble off, old boy! 'Ave you got ever a rope in your +pocket? Take Bell's <i>Life in London</i>, vot contains all +the sporting news of the country! Vot a vip the gemman's +got! Vot a precious basternadering he could give +us—my eyes, <i>vot a swell!—vot a shocking bad hat!</i><a id="footnotetag8" name="footnotetag8"></a><a href="#footnote8"><sup>8</sup></a>—vot +shocking bad breeches!"</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote8" name="footnote8"></a><b>Footnote 8:</b><a href="#footnotetag8"> (return) </a> "Vot a shocking bad hat!"—a slang cockney phrase of +1831.</blockquote> + +<p>The fog, which became denser at every step, by the +time they reached St. Clement's Danes rendered their +further progress almost impossible.—"Oh, dear! oh, +dear! how unlucky," exclaimed Jorrocks, "I would +have given twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine +day—and see what a thing we've got! Hold my 'oss," +said he to the Yorkshireman, "while I run into the +'Angel,' and borrow an argand burner, or we shall be +endorsed<a id="footnotetag9" name="footnotetag9"></a><a href="#footnote9"><sup>9</sup></a> to a dead certainty." Off he got, and ran to +the inn. Presently he emerged from the yard—followed +by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters, cads, waiters +and others, amid loud cries of "Flare up, flare up, old +cock! talliho fox-hunter!"—with a bright mail-coach +footboard lamp, strapped to his middle, which, lighting +up the whole of his broad back now cased in scarlet, +gave him the appearance of a gigantic red-and-gold insurance +office badge, or an elderly cherub without wings.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote9" name="footnote9"></a><b>Footnote 9:</b><a href="#footnotetag9"> (return) </a> City—for having a pole run into one's rear.</blockquote> + +<p>The hackney-coach-and cab-men, along whose lines +they passed, could not make him out at all. Some +thought he was a mail-coach guard riding post with +the bags; but as the light was pretty strong he trotted +on regardless of observation. The fog, however, abated +none of its denseness even on the "Surrey side," and +before they reached the "Elephant and Castle," Jorrocks +had run against two trucks, three watercress women, +one pies-all-ot!-all-ot! man, dispersed a whole covey of +Welsh milkmaids, and rode slap over one end of a buy +'at (hat) box! bonnet-box! man's pole, damaging a +dozen paste-boards, and finally upsetting Balham Hill +Joe's Barcelona "come crack 'em and try 'em" stall +at the door of the inn, for all whose benedictions, the +Yorkshireman, as this great fox-hunting knight-errant's +"Esquire," came in.</p> + +<p>Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded +Mr. Jorrocks to desist from his quixotic undertaking, +but he turned a deaf ear to his entreaties. "We are +getting fast into the country, and I hold it to be utterly +impossible for this fog to extend beyond Kennington +Common—'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as we approach +the open. Indeed, if I mistake not, I begin to sniff the +morning air already, and hark! there's a lark a-carrolling +before us!" "Now, spooney! where are you for?" +bellowed a carter, breaking off in the middle of his +whistle, as Jorrocks rode slap against his leader, the +concussion at once dispelling the pleasing pastoral +delusion, and nearly knocking Jorrocks off his horse.</p> + +<p>As they approached Brixton Hill, a large red ball of +lurid light appeared in the firmament, and just at the +moment up rode another member of the Surrey Hunt +in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane. "By +Jove, 'ow beautiful the moon is," said the latter, after +the usual salutations. "Moon!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +"that's not never no moon—I reckon it's Mrs. Graham's +balloon." "Come, that's a good 'un," said Crane, "perhaps +you'll lay me an 'at about it". "Done!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +"a guinea one—and we'll ax my friend here.—Now, +what's that?" "Why, judging from its position and the +hour, I should say it is the sun!" was the reply.</p> + +<p>We have omitted to mention that this memorable day +was a Saturday, one on which civic sportsmen exhibit. +We may also premise, that the particular hunt we are +about to describe, took place when there were very +many packs of hounds within reach of the metropolis, +all of which boasted their respective admiring subscribers. +As our party proceeded they overtook a +gentleman perusing a long bill of the meets for the +next week, of at least half a dozen packs, the top of +the list being decorated with a cut of a stag-hunt, and +the bottom containing a notification that hunters were +"carefully attended to by Charles Morton,<a id="footnotetag10" name="footnotetag10"></a><a href="#footnote10"><sup>10</sup></a> at the +'Derby Arms,' Croydon," a snug rural <i>auberge</i> near the +barrack. On the hunting bill-of-fare, were Mr. Jolliffe's +foxhounds, Mr. Meager's harriers, the Derby staghounds, +the Sanderstead harriers, the Union foxhounds, +the Surrey foxhounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom Downs, +and dwarf foxhounds on Woolwich Common. What a +list to bewilder a stranger! The Yorkshireman left it +all to Mr. Jorrocks.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote10" name="footnote10"></a><b>Footnote 10:</b><a href="#footnotetag10"> (return) </a> Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the +demise of the "Surrey staggers," Charley brushed off to the west, +to valet the gentlemen's hunters that attend the Royal Stag +Hunt.—<i>Vide</i> Sir F. Grant's picture of the meet of the Royal +Staghounds.</blockquote> + +<p>"You're for Jolliffe, I suppose," said the gentleman +with the bill, to another with a blue coat and buff lining. +"He's at Chipstead Church—only six miles from Croydon, +a sure find and good country." "What are you for, +Mr. Jorrocks?" inquired another in green, with black +velvet breeches, Hessian boots, and a red waistcoat, +who just rode up. "My own, to be sure," said Jorrocks, +taking hold of the green collar of his coat, as much as +to say, "How can you ask such a question?" "Oh, no," +said the gentleman in green, "Come to the stag—much +better sport—sure of a gallop—open country—get it +over soon—back in town before the post goes out." +Before Mr. Jorrocks had time to make a reply to this +last interrogatory, they were overtaken by another +horseman, who came hopping along at a sort of a +butcher's shuffle, on a worn-out, three-legged, four-cornered +hack, with one eye, a rat-tail, and a head as +large as a fiddle-case.—"Who's for the blue mottles?" +said he, casting a glance at their respective coats, and +at length fixing it on the Yorkshireman. "Why, Dickens, +you're not going thistle-whipping with that nice 'orse +of yours," said the gentleman in the velvets; "come and +see the stag turned out—sure of a gallop—no hedges—soft +country—plenty of publics—far better sport, man, +than pottering about looking for your foxes and hares, +and wasting your time; take my advice, and come with +me." "But," says Dickens, "my 'orse won't stand it; +I had him in the shay till eleven last night, and he came +forty-three mile with our traveller the day before, else +he's a 'good 'un to go,' as you know. Do you remember +the owdacious leap he took over the tinker's tent, at +Epping 'Unt, last Easter? How he astonished the +natives within!" "Yes; but then, you know, you fell +head-foremost through the canvas, and no wonder your +ugly mug frightened them," replied he of the velvets. +"Ay; but that was in consequence of my riding by +balance instead of gripping with my legs," replied +Dickens; "you see, I had taken seven lessons in riding +at the school in Bidborough Street, Burton Crescent, +and they always told me to balance myself equally on +the saddle, and harden my heart, and ride at whatever +came in the way; and the tinker's tent coming +first, why, naturally enough, I went at it. But I have +had some practice since then, and, of course, can stick +on better. I have 'unted regularly ever since, and can +'do the trick' now." "What, summer and winter?" +said Jorrocks. "No," replied he, "but I have 'unted +regularly every fifth Saturday since the 'unting began."</p> + +<p>After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing, +they arrived at the end of the first stage on the road to +the hunt, namely, the small town of Croydon, the +rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place was +alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats, black coats, +brown coats, in short, coats of all the colours of the +rainbow. Horsemen were mounting, horsemen were dismounting, +one-horse "shays" and two-horse chaises +were discharging their burdens, grooms were buckling +on their masters' spurs, and others were pulling off +their overalls. Eschewing the "Greyhound," they turn +short to the right, and make for the "Derby Arms" +hunting stables.</p> + +<p>Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was buckling +on his armour for the fight, for his soul, too, was "on fire, +and eager for the chase." He was for the "venison"; and +having mounted his "deer-stalker," was speedily joined +by divers perfect "swells," in beautiful leathers, beautiful +coats, beautiful tops, beautiful everything, except +horses, and off they rode to cut in for the first course—a +stag-hunt on a Saturday being usually divided into three.</p> + +<p>The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's +appetite; and feeling, as he said, quite ready for his +dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's house—a kind of +sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order, and +very good—where he baited himself on sausages and +salt herrings, a basin of new milk, with some "sticking +powder" as he called it, <i>alias</i> rum, infused into it; and +having deposited a half-quartern loaf in one pocket, as +a sort of balance against a huge bunch of keys which +rattled in the other, he pulled out his watch, and finding +they had a quarter of an hour to spare, proposed to +chaperon the Yorkshireman on a tour of the hunting +stables. Jorrocks summoned the ostler, and with great +dignity led the way. "Humph," said he, evidently disappointed +at seeing half the stalls empty, "no great +show this morning—pity—gentleman come from a +distance—should like to have shown him some good +nags.—What sort of a devil's this?" "Oh, sir, he's a +good 'un, and nothing but a good 'un!—Leap! Lord love +ye, he'll leap anything. A railway cut, a windmill with +the sails going, a navigable river with ships—anything +in short. This is the 'orse wot took the line of houses +down at Beddington the day they had the tremendious +run from Reigate Hill." "And wot's the grey in the +far stall?" "Oh, that's Mr. Pepper's old nag—Pepper-Caster +as we call him, since he threw the old gemman, +the morning they met at the 'Leg-of-Mutton' at Ashtead. +But he's good for nothing. Bless ye! his tail shakes +for all the world like a pepper-box afore he's gone half +a mile. Those be yours in the far stalls, and since they +were turned round I've won a bob of a gemman who +I bet I'd show him two 'osses with their heads vere their +tails should be.<a id="footnotetag11" name="footnotetag11"></a><a href="#footnote11"><sup>11</sup></a> I always says," added he with a leer, +"that you rides the best 'osses of any gemman vot +comes to our governor's." This flattered Jorrocks, and +sidling up, he slipped a shilling into his hand, saying, +"Well—bring them out, and let's see how they look +this morning." The stall reins are slipped, and out they +step with their hoods on their quarters. One was a large, +fat, full-sized chestnut, with a white ratch down the +full extent of his face, a long square tail, bushy mane, +with untrimmed heels. The other was a brown, about +fifteen two, coarse-headed, with a rat-tail, and collar-marked. +The tackle was the same as they came down +with. "You'll do the trick on that, I reckon," said +Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chestnut, and +looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he mounted. +"Tatt., and old Tatt., and Tatt. sen. before him, all +agree that they never knew a bad 'oss with a rat-tail."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote11" name="footnote11"></a><b>Footnote 11:</b><a href="#footnotetag11"> (return) </a> A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round +in his stall.</blockquote> + +<p>"But, let me tell you, you must be werry lively, if you +mean to live with our 'ounds. They go like the wind. +But come! touch him with the spur, and let's do a trot." +The Yorkshireman obeyed, and getting into the main +street, onwards they jogged, right through Croydon, +and struck into a line of villas of all sorts, shapes, and +sizes, which extend for several miles along the road, +exhibiting all sorts of architecture, Gothic, Corinthian, +Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and Chinese. These gradually +diminished in number, and at length they found themselves +on an open heath, within a few miles of the meet +of the "Surrey foxhounds". "Now", says Mr. Jorrocks, +clawing up his smalls, "you will see the werry finest +pack of hounds in all England; I don't care where the +next best are; and you will see as good a turn-out as +ever you saw in your life, and as nice a country to ride +over as ever you were in".</p> + +<p>They reach the meet—a wayside public-house on a +common, before which the hounds with their attendants +and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many of them in +scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received with the +greatest cordiality, amid whoops and holloas, and cries +of "now Twankay!—now Sugar!—now Figs!" Waving +his hand in token of recognition, he passed on and made +straight for Tom Hill, with a face full of importance, and +nearly rode over a hound in his hurry. "Now, Tom," +said he, with the greatest energy, "do, my good fellow, +strain every nerve to show sport to-day.—A gentleman +has come all the way from the north-east side of the +town of Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to see +our excellent 'ounds, and I would fain have him galvanised.—Do +show us a run, and let it end with blood, +so that he may have something to tell the natives when +he gets back to his own parts. That's him, see, sitting +under the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat with basket +buttons, just striking a light on the pommel of his +saddle to indulge in a fumigation.—Keep your eye on +him all day, and if you can lead him over an awkward +place, and get him a purl, so much the better.—If he'll +risk his neck I'll risk my 'oss's."</p> + +<p>The Yorkshireman, having lighted his cigar and +tightened his girths, rode leisurely among the horsemen, +many of whom were in eager council, and a gentle +breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation to his ear.</p> + +<p>What is that hound got by? No. How is that horse +bred? No. What sport had you on Wednesday? No. +Is it a likely find to-day? No, no, no; it was not where +the hounds, but what the Consols, left off at; what the +four per cents, and not the four horses, were up to; what +the condition of the money, not the horse, market. +"Anything doing in Danish bonds, sir?" said one. "You +must do it by lease and release, and levy a fine," replied +another. Scott <i>v.</i> Brown, crim. con. to be heard on or +before Wednesday next.—Barley thirty-two to forty-two.—Fine +upland meadow and rye grass hay, seventy +to eighty.—The last pocket of hops I sold brought +seven pounds fifteen shillings. Sussex bags six pounds +ten shillings.—There were only twenty-eight and a +quarter ships at market, "and coals are coals." "Glad +to hear it, sir, for half the last you sent me were slates."—"Best +qualities of beef four shillings and eightpence a +stone—mutton three shillings and eightpence, to four +shillings and sixpence.—He was exceedingly ill when +I paid my last visit—I gave him nearly a stone of +Epsom-salts, and bled him twice.—This horse would +suit you to a T, sir, but my skip-jack is coming out on +one at two o'clock that can carry a house.—See what a +bosom this one's got.—Well, Gunter, old boy, have you +iced your horse to-day?—Have you heard that Brown +and Co. are in the <i>Gazette</i>? No, which Brown—not +John Brown? No, William Brown. What, Brown of +Goodman's Fields? No, Brown of—— Street—Brown<i>e</i> +with an <i>e</i>; you know the man I mean.—Oh, Lord, ay, +the man wot used to be called Nosey Browne." A +general move ensued, and they left "the meet."</p> + +<p>"Vere be you going to turn out pray, sir, may I inquire?" +said a gentleman in green to the huntsman, as +he turned into a field. "Turn out," said he, "why, ye +don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye? We +throws off some two stones'-throw from here, if so be +you mean what cover we are going to draw." "No," +said green-coat, "I mean where do you turn out the +stag?"—"D—n the stag, we know nothing about such +matters," replied the huntsman. "Ware wheat! ware +wheat! ware wheat!" was now the general cry, as a +gentleman in nankeen pantaloons and Hessian boots +with long brass spurs, commenced a navigation across +a sprouting crop. "Ware wheat, ware wheat!" replied +he, considering it part of the ceremony of hunting, and +continued his forward course. "Come to my side," said +Mr.——, to the whipper-in, "and meet that gentleman +as he arrives at yonder gate; and keep by him while +I scold you."—"Now, sir, most particularly d—n you, +for riding slap-dash over the young wheat, you most +confounded insensible ignorant tinker, isn't the headland +wide enough both for you and your horse, even if +your spurs were as long again as they are?" Shouts of +"Yooi over, over, over hounds—try for him—yoicks—wind +him! good dogs—yoicks! stir him up—have at +him there!"—here interrupted the jawbation, and the +whip rode off shaking his sides with laughter. "Your +horse has got a stone in each forefoot, and a thorn in +his near hock," observed a dentist to a wholesale haberdasher +from Ludgate Hill, "allow me to extract them +for you—no pain, I assure—over before you know it." +"Come away, hounds! come away!" was heard, and +presently the huntsman, with some of the pack at his +horse's heels, issued from the wood playing <i>Rule, +Britannia!</i> on a key-bugle, while the cracks of heavy-thonged +whips warned the stragglers and loiterers to +follow. "Music hath charms to soothe the savage +beast," observed Jorrocks, as he tucked the laps of +his frock over his thighs, "and I hope we shall find +before long, else that quarter of house-lamb will be +utterly ruined. Oh, dear, they are going below hill +I do believe! why we shall never get home to-day, and +I told Mrs. Jorrocks half-past five to a minute, and +I invited old Fleecy, who is a most punctual man."</p> + +<p>Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived on +the summit of a range of steep hills commanding an +extensive view over the neighbouring country—almost, +he said, as far as the sea-coast. The huntsman and +hounds went down, but many of the field held a council +of war on the top. "Well! who's going down?" said one. +"I shall wait for the next turn," said Jorrocks, "for +my horse does not like collar work." "I shall go this +time," said another, "and the rest next." "And so will +I," said a third, "for mayhap there will be no second +turn." "Ay," added a fourth, "and he may go the other +way, and then where-shall we all be?" "Poh!" said +Jorrocks, "did you ever know a Surrey fox not take +to the hills?—If he does not, I'll eat him without mint +sauce," again harping on the quarter of lamb. Facilis +descensus Averni—two-thirds of the field went down, +leaving Jorrocks, two horse-dealers in scarlet, three +chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells in leathers, a whip, +and the Yorkshireman on the summit. "Why don't +you go with the hounds?" inquired the latter of the +whip. "Oh, I wait here, sir," said he, "to meet Tom +Hills as he comes up, and to give him a fresh horse." +"And who is Tom Hills?" inquired the Yorkshireman. +"Oh, he's our huntsman," replied he; "you know Tom, +don't you?" "Why, I can't say I do, exactly," said he; +"but tell me, is he called Hills because he rides up and +down these hills, or is that his real name?" "Hought! +you know as well as I do," said he, quite indignantly, +"that Tom Hills is his name."</p> + +<p>The hounds, with the majority of the field, having +effected the descent of the hills, were now trotting on in +the valley below, sufficiently near, however, to allow +our hill party full view of their proceedings. After +drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they assumed a +line parallel to the hills, and moved on to a wood of +about ten acres, the west end of which terminated in a +natural gorse. "They'll find there to a certainty," said +Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out of his breeches' +pocket, and adjusting the sight. "Never saw it blank +but once, and that was the werry day the commercial +panic of twenty-five commenced.—I remember making +an entry in my ledger when I got home to that effect. +Humph!" continued he, looking through the glass, +"they are through the wood, though, without a challenge.—Now, +my booys, push him out of the gorse! Let's see +vot you're made of.—There goes the first 'ound in.—It's +Galloper, I believe.—I can almost see the bag of +shot round his neck.—Now they all follow.—One—two—three—four—five—all +together, my beauties! Oh, vot +a sight! Peckham's cap's in the air, and it's a find, by +heavens!" Mr. Jorrocks is right.—The southerly wind +wafts up the fading notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus" +in <i>Der Frieschutz</i> and confirms the fact.—Jorrocks is +in ecstasies.—"Now," said he, clawing up his breeches +(for he dispenses with the article of braces when out +hunting), "that's what I calls fine. Oh, beautiful! +beautiful!—Now, follow me if you please, and if yon +gentleman in drab does not shoot the fox, he will be +on the hills before long." Away they scampered along +the top of the ridge, with a complete view of the operations +below. At length Jorrocks stopped, and pulling the +telescope out, began making an observation. "There he +is, at last," cried he, "just crossed the corner of yon +green field—now he creeps through the hedge by the +fir-tree, and is in the fallow one. Yet, stay—that's no +fox—it's a hare: and yet Tom Hills makes straight for +the spot—and did you hear that loud tally-ho? Oh! +gentlemen, gentlemen, we shall be laughed to scorn—what +can they be doing—see, they take up the scent, +and the whole pack have joined in chorus. Great +heavens, it's no more a fox than I am!—No more brush +than a badger! Oh, dear! oh, dear! that I should live +to see my old friends, the Surrey fox'ounds, 'unt hare, +and that too in the presence of a stranger." The animal +made direct for the hills—whatever it was, the hounds +were on good terms with it, and got away in good form. +The sight was splendid—all the field got well off, nor +between the cover and the hills was there sufficient +space for tailing. A little elderly gentleman, in a pepper-and-salt +coat, led the way gallantly—then came the +scarlets—then the darks—and then the fustian-clad +countrymen. Jorrocks was in a shocking state, and +rolled along the hill-tops, almost frantic. The field +reached the bottom, and the foremost commenced the +steep ascent.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Tom Hills!—Tom Hills!—'what are you at? +what are you after?'" demanded Jorrocks, as he landed +on the top. "Here's a gentleman come all the way from +the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in +the county of York, to see our excellent 'ounds, and +here you are running a hare. Oh, Tom Hills! Tom Hills! +ride forward, ride forward, and whip them off, ere we +eternally disgrace ourselves." "Oh," says Tom, laughing, +"he's a fox! but he's so tarnation frightened of our +hounds, that his brush dropped off through very fear, +as soon as ever he heard us go into the wood; if you go +back, you'll find it somewhere, Mr. Jorrocks; haw, haw, +haw! No fox indeed!" said he.—"Forrard, hounds, +forrard!" And away he went—caught the old whipper-in, +dismounted him in a twinkling, and was on a fresh +horse with his hounds in full cry. The line of flight was +still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly pressed on, +making a goodly rattle over the beds of flints. A check +ensued. "The guard on yonder nasty Brighton coach +has frightened him with his horn," said Tom; "now +we must make a cast up to yonder garden, and see if +he's taken shelter among the geraniums in the green-house. +As little damage as possible, gentlemen, if you +please, in riding through the nursery grounds. Now, +hold hard, sir—pray do—there's no occasion for you +to break the kale pots; he can't be under them. Ah, +yonder he goes, the tailless beggar; did you see him as +he stole past the corner out of the early-cabbage bed? +Now bring on the hounds, and let us press him towards +London."</p> + +<p>"See the conquering hero comes", sounded through +the avenue of elms as Tom dashed forward with the +merry, merry pack. "I shall stay on the hills", said one, +"and be ready for him as he comes back; I took a good +deal of the shine out of my horse in coming up this time". +"I think I will do the same", said two or three more. +"Let's be doing", said Jorrocks, ramming his spurs +into his nag to seduce him into a gallop, who after +sending his heels in the air a few times in token of his +disapprobation of such treatment, at last put himself +into a round-rolling sort of canter, which Jorrocks kept +up by dint of spurring and dropping his great bastinaderer +of a whip every now and then across his shoulders. +Away they go pounding together!</p> + +<p>The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified +with a turnip-field or market-garden, and every now and +then a "willa" appears, from which emerge footmen in +jackets, and in yellow, red and green plush breeches, +with no end of admiring housemaids, governesses, and +nurses with children in their arms.</p> + +<p>Great was the emulation when any of these were +approached, and the rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly +to the "fore." At last they approach "Miss Birchwell's +finishing and polishing seminary for young ladies," +whose great flaring blue-and-gold sign, reflecting the +noonday rays of the sun, had frightened the fox and +caused him to alter his line and take away to the west. +A momentary check ensued, but all the amateur huntsmen +being blown, Tom, who is well up with his hounds, +makes a quick cast round the house, and hits off the +scent like a workman. A private road and a line of +gates through fields now greet the eyes of our +M'Adamisers. A young gentleman on a hired hunter +very nattily attired, here singles himself out and takes +place next to Tom, throwing the pebbles and dirt back +in the eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing the +gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman very +coolly passes through, without a touch, letting them +bang-to behind him. The Yorkshireman, who had been +gradually creeping up, until he has got the third place, +having opened two or three, and seeing another likely +to close for want of a push, cries out to our friend as +he approaches, "Put out your hand, sir!" The gentleman +obediently extends his limb like the arm of a +telegraph, and rides over half the next field with his +hand in the air! The gate, of course, falls to.</p> + +<p>A stopper appears—a gate locked and spiked, with a +downward hinge to prevent its being lifted. To the right +is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond it—to the left a quick +fence. Tom glances at both, but turns short, and backing +his horse, rides at the rail. The Yorkshireman follows, +but Jorrocks, who espies a weak place in the fence a few +yards from the gate, turns short, and jumping off, +prepares to lead over. It is an old gap, and the farmer +has placed a sheep hurdle on the far side. Just as +Jorrocks has pulled that out, his horse, who is a bit of +a rusher, and has got his "monkey" completely up, +pushes forward while his master is yet stooping—and +hitting him in the rear, knocks him clean through the +fence, head foremost into a squire-trap beyond!—"Non +redolet sed olet!" exclaims the Yorkshireman, +who dismounts in a twinkling, lending his friend a +hand out of the unsavoury cesspool.—"That's what +comes of hunting in a new<a id="footnotetag12" name="footnotetag12"></a><a href="#footnote12"><sup>12</sup></a> saddle, you see," added +he, holding his nose. Jorrocks scrambles upon "terra +firma" and exhibits such a spectacle as provokes the +shouts of the field. He has lost his wig, his hat hangs +to his back, and one side of his person and face is completely +japanned with black odoriferous mixture. "My +vig!" exclaims he, spitting and spluttering, "but that's +the nastiest hole I ever was in—Fleet Ditch is lavender-water +compared to it! Hooi yonder!" hailing a lad, +"Catch my 'oss, boouy!" Tom Hills has him; and +Jorrocks, pocketing his wig, remounts, rams his spurs +into the nag, and again tackles with the pack, which had +come to a momentary check on the Eden Bridge road. +The fox has been headed by a party of gipsies, and, +changing his point, bends southward and again reaches +the hills, along which some score of horsemen have +planted themselves in the likeliest places to head him. +Reynard, however, is too deep for them, and has stolen +down unperceived. Poor Jorrocks, what with the violent +exertion of riding, his fall, and the souvenir of the cesspool +that he still bears about him, pulls up fairly +exhausted. "Oh, dear," says he, scraping the thick of +the filth off his coat with his whip, "I'm reglarly blown, +I earn't go down with the 'ounds this turn; but, my good +fellow," turning to the Yorkshireman, who was helping +to purify him, "don't let me stop you, go down by all +means, but mind, bear in mind the quarter of house-lamb—at +half-past five to a minute."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote12" name="footnote12"></a><b>Footnote 12:</b><a href="#footnotetag12"> (return) </a> There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure +to get a fall the first day they appear in anything new.</blockquote> + +<p>Many of the cits now gladly avail themselves of the +excuse of assisting Mr. Jorrocks to clean himself for +pulling up, but as soon as ever those that are going +below hill are out of sight and they have given him +two or three wipes, they advise him to let it "dry on," +and immediately commence a different sort of amusement—each +man dives into his pocket and produces +the eatables.</p> + +<p>Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered +with the captain of an East Indiaman for a slice of +buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged some veal sandwiches +with a Jew for ham ones; a lawyer from the +Borough offered two slices of toast for a hard-boiled +egg; in fact there was a petty market "ouvert" held. +"Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle?" demanded Jenkins. +"Vy, I thought you would bring it out to-day," +replied he; "I brought it last time, you know." "Take +a little of mine, sir," said a gentleman, presenting a +leather-covered flask—"real Thomson and Fearon, +I assure you." "I wish someone would fetch an ocean +of porter from the nearest public," said another. "Take +a cigar, sir?" "No; I feel werry much obliged, but they +always make me womit." "Is there any gentleman here +going to Halifax, who would like to make a third in a +new yellow barouche, with lavender-coloured wheels, +and pink lining?" inquired Mr.——, the coach-maker. +"Look at the hounds, gentlemen sportsmen, my noble +sportsmen!" bellowed out an Epsom Dorling's correct—cardseller—and +turning their eyes in the direction in +which he was looking, our sportsmen saw them again +making for the hills. Pepper-and-salt first, and oh, +what a goodly tail was there!—three quarters of a +mile in length, at the least. Now up they come—the +"corps de reserve" again join, and again a party halt +upon the hills. Again Tom Hills exchanges horses; and +again the hounds go on in full cry. "I must be off," said +a gentleman in balloon-like leathers to another tiger; +"we have just time to get back to town, and ride round +by the park before it is dark—much better than seeing +the end of this brute. Let us go"; and away they went +to canter through Hyde Park in their red coats. "I must +go and all," said another gentleman; "my dinner will +be ready at five, and it is now three." Jorrocks was +game; and forgetting the quarter of house-lamb, again +tackled with the pack. A smaller sweep sufficed this +time, and the hills were once more descended, Jorrocks +the first to lead the way. He well knew the fox was +sinking, and was determined to be in at the death. +Short running ensued—a check—the fox had lain down, +and they had overrun the scent. Now they were on him, +and Tom Hills's who-whoop confirmed the whole.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Tom Hills, Tom Hills!" exclaimed Jorrocks, +as the former took up the fox, "'ow splendid, 'ow truly +brilliant—by Jove, you deserve to be Lord Hill—oh, +had he but a brush that we might present it to this +gentleman from the north-east side of the town of +Boroughbridge, in the county of York, to show the +gallant doings of the men of Surrey!" "Ay," said Tom, +"but Squire——'s keeper has been before us for it."</p> + +<p>"Now," said a gentleman in a cap, to another in a +hat, "if you will ride up the hill and collect the money +there, I will do so below—half-a-crown, if you please, +sir—half-a-crown, if you please, sir.—Have I got your +half-a-crown, sir?"—"Here's three shillings if you will +give me sixpence." "Certainly, sir—certainly." "We +have no time to spare," said Jorrocks, looking at his +watch. "Good afternoon, gentlemen, good afternoon," +muttering as he went, "a quarter of house-lamb at half-past +five—Mrs. Jorrocks werry punctual—old Fleecy +werry particular." They cut across country to Croydon, +and as they approached the town, innumerable sportsmen +came flocking in from all quarters. "What sport have +you had?" inquired Jorrocks of a gentleman in scarlet; +"have you been with Jolliffe?" "No, with the staghounds; +three beautiful runs; took him once in a +millpond, once in a barn, and once in a brickfield—altogether +the finest day's sport I ever saw in my life." +"What have you done, Mr. J——?" "Oh, we have had +a most gallant thing; a brilliant run indeed—three hours +and twenty minutes without a check—over the finest +country imaginable." "And who got the brush?" +inquired the stag-man. "Oh, it was a gallant run," +said Jorrocks, "by far the finest I ever remember." +"But did you kill?" demanded his friend. "Kill! to be +sure we did. When don't the Surrey kill, I should like +to know?" "And who got his brush, did you say?" +"I can't tell," said he—"didn't hear the gentleman's +name." "What sport has Mr. Meager had to-day?" +inquired he of a gentleman in trousers, who issued from +a side lane into the high road. "I have been with the +Sanderstead, sir—a very capital day's sport—run five +hares and killed three. We should have killed four—only—we +didn't." "I don't think Mr. Meager has done +anything to-day." "Yes, he has," said a gentleman, +who just joined with a hare buckled on in front of his +saddle, and his white cords all stained with blood; "we +killed this chap after an hour and forty-five minutes' +gallop; and accounted for another by losing her after +running upwards of-three-quarters of an hour." "Well, +then, we have all had sport," said Jorrocks, as he +spurred his horse into a trot, and made for Morton's +stables—"and if the quarter of house-lamb is but right, +then indeed am I a happy man."</p> +<br><br> + +<a name="III" id="III"></a> +<h3>III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS<br> +IN TROUBLE</h3> + +<p>Our readers are now becoming pretty familiar with our +principal hero, Mr. Jorrocks, and we hope he improves +on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting friends, we are sure, +will allow him to be an enthusiastic member of the +brotherhood, and though we do not profess to put him +in competition with Musters, Osbaldeston, or any of +those sort of men, we yet mean to say that had his +lot been cast in the country instead of behind a counter, +his keenness would have rendered him as conspicuous—if +not as scientific—as the best of them.</p> + +<p>For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very +excellent fellow—frank, hearty, open, generous, and +hospitable, and with the exception of riding up Fleet +Street one Saturday afternoon, with a cock-pheasant's +tail sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever +saw him do a cock tail action in his life.</p> + +<p>The circumstances attending that exhibition are +rather curious.—He had gone out as usual on a Saturday +to have a day with the Surrey, but on mounting his +hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag rather queer under +him, and thinking he might have been pricked in the +shoeing, he pulled up at the smith's at Addington to +have his feet examined. This lost him five minutes, and +unfortunately when he got to the meet, he found that a +"travelling<a id="footnotetag13" name="footnotetag13"></a><a href="#footnote13"><sup>13</sup></a> fox" had been tallied at the precise moment +of throwing off, with which the hounds had gone away +in their usual brilliant style, to the tune of "Blue bonnets +are over the border." As may be supposed, he was in +a deuce of a rage; and his first impulse prompted him +to withdraw his subscription and be done with the hunt +altogether, and he trotted forward "on the line," in the +hopes of catching them up to tell them so. In this he +was foiled, for after riding some distance, he overtook a +string of Smithfield horses journeying "foreign for +Evans," whose imprints he had been taking for the +hoof-marks of the hunters. About noon he found himself +dull, melancholy, and disconsolate, before the sign +of the "Pig and Whistle," on the Westerham road, +where, after wetting his own whistle with a pint of +half-and-half, he again journeyed onward, ruminating +on the uncertainty and mutability of all earthly affairs, +the comparative merits of stag-, fox-, and hare-hunting, +and the necessity of getting rid of the day somehow or +other in the country.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote13" name="footnote13"></a><b>Footnote 13:</b><a href="#footnotetag13"> (return) </a> He might well be called a "travelling fox," for it was said +he had just travelled down from Herring's, in the New Road, by +the Bromley stage.</blockquote> + +<p>Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by the discharge +of a gun in the field adjoining the hedge along which he +was passing, and the boisterous whirring of a great cock-pheasant +over his head, which caused his horse to start +and stop short, and to nearly pitch Jorrocks over his +head. The bird was missed, but the sportsman's dog +dashed after it, with all the eagerness of expectation, +regardless of the cracks of the whip—the "comes to +heel," and "downs to charge" of the master. Jorrocks +pulled out his hunting telescope, and having marked the +bird down with the precision of a billiard-table keeper, +rode to the gate to acquaint the shooter with the fact, +when to his infinite amazement he discovered his friend, +Nosey Browne (late of "The Surrey"), who, since his +affairs had taken the unfortunate turn mentioned in +the last paper, had given up hunting and determined +to confine himself to shooting only. Nosey, however, +was no great performer, as may be inferred, when we +state that he had been in pursuit of the above-mentioned +cock-pheasant ever since daybreak, and after firing +thirteen shots at him had not yet touched a feather.</p> + +<p>His dog was of the right sort—for Nosey at least—and +hope deferred had not made his heart sick; on the +contrary, he dashed after his bird for the thirteenth +time with all the eagerness he displayed on the first. +"Let me have a crack at him," said Jorrocks to Nosey, +after their mutual salutations were over. "I know where +he is, and I think I can floor him." Browne handed the +gun to Jorrocks, who, giving up his hunter in exchange, +strode off, and having marked his bird accurately, he +kicked him up out of a bit of furze, and knocked him +down as "dead as a door-nail." By that pheasant's tail +hangs the present one.</p> + +<p>Now Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends, +and Nosey's affairs having gone crooked, why of course, +like most men in a similar situation, he was all the better +for it; and while his creditors were taking twopence-halfpenny +in the pound, he was taking his diversion on +his wife's property, which a sagacious old father-in-law +had secured to the family in the event of such a contingency +as a failure happening; so knowing Jorrock's +propensity for sports, and being desirous of chatting +over all his gallant doings with "The Surrey," shortly +after the above-mentioned day he dispatched a "twopenny," +offering him a day's shooting on his property +in Surrey, adding, that he hoped he would dine with +him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with a freedom +peculiar to fox-hunters, invited his friend the Yorkshireman, +and visiting his armoury, selected him a +regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of carrying ten +yards on every side.</p> + +<p>At the appointed hour on the appointed morning, the +Yorkshireman appeared in Great Coram Street, where he +found Mr. Jorrocks in the parlour in the act of settling +himself into a new spruce green cut-away gambroon +butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets equal to holding a +powder-flask each, his lower man being attired in tight +drab stocking-net pantaloons, and Hessian boots with +large tassels—a striking contrast to the fustian pocket-and-all-pocket +jackets marked with game-bag strap, +and shot-belt, and the weather-beaten many-coloured +breeches and gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose +the equipment of a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks +not keeping any "sporting dogs," as the tax-papers +call them, had borrowed a fat house-dog—a cross +between a setter and a Dalmatian—of his friend +Mr. Evergreen the greengrocer, which he had seen +make a most undeniable point one morning in the +Copenhagen Fields at a flock of pigeons in a beetroot +garden. This valuable animal was now attached by a +trash-cord through a ring in his brass collar to a leg +of the sideboard, while a clean licked dish at his side, +showed that Jorrocks had been trying to attach him +to himself, by feeding him before starting.</p> + +<p>"We'll take a coach to the Castle", said Jorrocks, "and +then get a go-cart or a cast somehow or other to +Streatham, for we shall have walking enough when we +get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and will make +us range every acre of his estate over half a dozen times +before we give in". A coach was speedily summoned, +into which Jorrocks, the dog Pompey, the Yorkshireman, +and the guns were speedily placed, and away +they drove to the "Elephant and Castle."</p> + +<p>There were short stages about for every possible +place except Streatham. Greenwich, Deptford, Blackheath, +Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham, Lewisham—all +places but the right. However, there were +abundance of "go-carts," a species of vehicle that ply +in the outskirts of the metropolis, and which, like the +watering-place "fly," take their name from the contrary—in +fact, a sort of <i>lucus a non lucendo</i>. They are +carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains to +protect the company from the weather), the drivers of +which, partly by cheating, and partly by picking +pockets, eke out a comfortable existence, and are the +most lawless set of rascals under the sun. Their arrival +at the "Elephant and Castle" was a signal for a general +muster of the fraternity, who, seeing the guns, were +convinced that their journey was only what they call +"a few miles down the road," and they were speedily +surrounded by twenty or thirty of them, all with +"excellent 'osses, vot vould take their honours fourteen +miles an hour." All men of business are aware of the +advantages of competition, and no one more so than +Jorrocks, who stood listening to their offers with the +utmost sang-froid, until he closed with one to take them +to Streatham Church for two shillings, and deliver them +within the half-hour, which was a signal for all the rest +to set-to and abuse them, their coachman, and his horse, +which they swore had been carrying "stiff-uns" <a id="footnotetag14" name="footnotetag14"></a><a href="#footnote14"><sup>14</sup></a> all +night, and "could not go not none at all". Nor were +they far wrong; for the horse, after scrambling a hundred +yards or two, gradually relaxed into something between +a walk and a trot, while the driver kept soliciting every +passer-by to "ride," much to our sportsmen's chagrin, +who conceived they were to have the "go" all to themselves. +Remonstrance was vain, and he crammed in a +master chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger the licensed +dealer in tea, coffee, tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham +(a customer of Jorrocks), and a wet-nurse; and took up +an Italian organ-grinder to ride beside himself on the +front, before they had accomplished Brixton Hill. +Jorrocks swore most lustily that he would fine him, and +at every fresh assurance, the driver offered a passer-by +a seat; but having enlisted Major Ballenger into their +cause, they at length made a stand, which, unfortunately +for them, was more than the horse could do, for just as +he was showing off, as he thought, with a bit of a trot, +down they all soused in the mud. Great was the scramble; +guns, barrel-organ, Pompey, Jorrocks, driver, master +chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger, were all down together, +while the wet-nurse, who sat at the end nearest the door, +was chucked clean over the hedge into a dry ditch. This +was a signal to quit the vessel, and having extricated +themselves the best way they could, they all set off on +foot, and left the driver to right himself at his leisure.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote14" name="footnote14"></a><b>Footnote 14:</b><a href="#footnotetag14"> (return) </a> Doing a bit of resurrection work.</blockquote> + +<p>Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they +were going to Nosey Browne's, for it so happened that +Nosey had managed to walk into his books for groceries +and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen pounds, a large +sum to a man in a small way of business; and to be +entertaining friends so soon after his composition, +seemed curious to Ballenger's uninitiated suburban +mind.</p> + +<p>Crossing Streatham Common, a short turn to the left +by some yew-trees leads, by a near cut across the fields, +to Browne's house; a fiery-red brick castellated cottage, +standing on the slope of a gentle eminence, and combining +almost every absurdity a cockney imagination +can be capable of. Nosey, who was his own "Nash," +set out with the intention of making it a castle and +nothing but a castle, and accordingly the windows were +made in the loophole fashion, and the door occupied a +third of the whole frontage. The inconveniences of the +arrangements were soon felt, for while the light was +almost excluded from the rooms, "rude Boreas" had +the complete run of the castle whenever the door was +opened. To remedy this, Nosey increased the one and +curtailed the other, and the Gothic oak-painted windows +and door flew from their positions to make way for +modern plate-glass in rich pea-green casements, and a +door of similar hue. The battlements, however, remained, +and two wooden guns guarded a brace of chimney-pots +and commanded the wings of the castle, one whereof +was formed into a green-, the other into a gig-house.</p> + +<p>The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a garden-gate, +surmounted by a holly-bush with the top cut into +the shape of a fox, announced their arrival to the inhabitants +of "Rosalinda Castle," and on entering they +discovered young Nosey in the act of bobbing for +goldfish, in a pond about the size of a soup-basin; while +Nosey senior, a fat, stupid-looking fellow, with a large +corporation and a bottle nose, attired in a single-breasted +green cloth coat, buff waistcoat, with drab +shorts and continuations, was reposing, <i>sub tegmine fagi</i>, +in a sort of tea-garden arbour, overlooking a dung-heap, +waiting their arrival to commence an attack upon the +sparrows which were regaling thereon. At one end of +the garden was a sort of temple, composed of oyster-shells, +containing a couple of carrier-pigeons, with which +Nosey had intended making his fortune, by the early +information to be acquired by them: but "there is many +a slip," as Jorrocks would say.</p> + +<p>Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a +visit to the larder, and made up a stock of provisions +equal to a journey through the Wilderness, they +adjourned to the yard to get the other dog, and the +man to carry the game—or rather, the prog, for the +former was but problematical. He was a character, a sort +of chap of all work, one, in short, "who has no objection +to make himself generally useful"; but if his genius +had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination +towards sporting.</p> + +<p>Having to act the part of groom and gamekeeper +during the morning, and butler and footman in the +afternoon, he was attired in a sort of composition dress, +savouring of the different characters performed. He +had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-coat +cut down into a shooting-jacket, with a whistle at the +button-hole, red plush smalls, and top-boots.</p> + +<p>There is nothing a cockney delights in more than +aping a country gentleman, and Browne fancied himself +no bad hand at it; indeed, since his London occupation +was gone, he looked upon himself as a country gentleman +in fact. "Vell, Joe," said he, striddling and sticking his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, to this +invaluable man of all work, "we must show the gemmem +some sport to-day; vich do you think the best line to +start upon—shall we go to the ten hacre field, or the +plantation, or Thompson's stubble, or Timms's turnips, +or my meadow, or vere?" "Vy, I doesn't know," said +Joe; "there's that old hen-pheasant as we calls Drab +Bess, vot has haunted the plantin' these two seasons, +and none of us ever could 'it (hit), and I hears that +Jack, and Tom, and Bob, are still left out of Thompson's +covey; but, my eyes! they're 'special vild!" "Vot, only +three left? where is old Tom, and the old ramping +hen?" inquired Browne. "Oh, Mr. Smith, and a party +of them 'ere Bankside chaps, com'd down last Saturday's +gone a week, and rattled nine-and-twenty shots at the +covey, and got the two old 'uns; at least it's supposed +they were both killed, though the seven on 'em only +bagged one bird; but I heard they got a goose or two +as they vent home. They had a shot at old Tom, the +hare, too, but he is still alive; at least I pricked him +yesterday morn across the path into the turnip-field. +Suppose we goes at him first?"</p> + +<p>The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in +quantity, but Browne was a wise man and made the +most of what he had, and when he used to talk about +his "manor" on 'Change, people thought he had at +least a thousand acres—the extent a cockney generally +advertises for, when he wants to take a shooting-place. +The following is a sketch of what he had: The east, as +far as the eye could reach, was bounded by Norwood, +a name dear to cockneys, and the scene of many a +furtive kiss; the hereditaments and premises belonging +to Isaac Cheatum, Esq. ran parallel with it on the west, +containing sixty-three acres, "be the same more or +less," separated from which, by a small brook or runner +of water, came the estate of Mr. Timms, consisting of +sixty acres, three roods, and twenty-four perches, commonly +called or known by the name of Fordham; next +to it were two allotments in right of common, for all +manner of cattle, except cows, upon Streatham Common, +from whence up to Rosalinda Castle, on the west, lay +the estate of Mr. Browne, consisting of fifty acres and +two perches. Now it so happened that Browne had +formerly the permission to sport all the way up to Norwood, +a distance of a mile and a half, and consequently +he might have been said to have the right of shooting +in Norwood itself, for the keepers only direct their +attention to the preservation of the timber and the +morals of the visitors; but since his composition with +his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, who had "gone to the +wall" himself in former years, was so scandalised at +Browne doing the same, that no sooner did his name +appear in the <i>Gazette</i>, than Cheatum withdrew his +permission, thereby cutting him off from Norwood and +stopping him in pursuit of his game.</p> + +<p>Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks, +in the most orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint +and steel fire-engine, and proceeded to give it an uncommon +good loading. The Yorkshireman, with a look +of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at Joe's +plush breeches and top-boots, did the same, while +Nosey, in the most considerate sportsmanlike manner, +merely shouldered a stick, in order that there might be +no delicacy with his visitors, as to who should shoot +first—a piece of etiquette that aids the escape of many +a bird in the neighbourhood of London.</p> + +<p>Old Tom—a most unfortunate old hare, that what +with the harriers, the shooters, the snarers, and one +thing and another, never knew a moment's peace, and +who must have started in the world with as many lives +as a cat—being doomed to receive the first crack on +this occasion, our sportsmen stole gently down the fallow, +at the bottom of which were the turnips, wherein he was +said to repose; but scarcely had they reached the +hurdles which divided the field, before he was seen +legging it away clean out of shot. Jorrocks, who had +brought his gun to bear upon him, could scarcely +refrain from letting drive, but thinking to come upon +him again by stealth, as he made his circuit for Norwood, +he strode away across the allotments and Fordham estate, +and took up a position behind a shed which stood on +the confines of Mr. Timms's and Mr. Cheatum's properties. +Here, having procured a rest for his gun, he +waited until old Tom, who had tarried to nip a few +blades of green grass that came in his way, made his +appearance. Presently he came cantering along the +outside of the wood, at a careless, easy sort of pace, +betokening either perfect indifference for the world's +mischief, or utter contempt of cockney sportsmen +altogether.</p> + +<p>He was a melancholy, woe-begone-looking animal, +long and lean, with a slight inclination to grey on his +dingy old coat, one that looked as though he had +survived his kindred and had already lived beyond +his day. Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and +his eyes glistened as he came within range of his gun. +A well-timed shot ends poor Tom's miseries! He springs +into the air, and with a melancholy scream rolls neck +over heels. Knowing that Pompey would infallibly +spoil him if he got up first, Jorrocks, without waiting +to load, was in the act of starting off to pick him up, +when, at the first step, he found himself in the grasp +of a Herculean monster, something between a coal-heaver +and a gamekeeper, who had been secreted +behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who had been watching +his movements, holloaed out to Jorrocks to "hold hard," +who stood motionless, on the spot from whence he fired, +and Browne was speedily alongside of him. "You are on +Squire Cheatum's estate," said the man; "and I have +authority to take up all poachers and persons found +unlawfully trespassing; what's your name?" "He's not +on Cheatum's estate," said Browne. "He is," said the +man. "You're a liar," said Browne. "You're another," +said the man. And so they went on; for when such +gentlemen meet, compliments pass current. At length +the keeper pulled out a foot-rule, and keeping Jorrocks +in the same position he caught him, he set-to to measure +the distance of his foot from the boundary, taking off +in a line from the shed; when it certainly did appear +that the length of a big toe was across the mark, and +putting up his measure again, he insisted upon taking +Jorrocks before a magistrate for the trespass. Of course, +no objection could be made, and they all adjourned to +Mr. Boreem's, when the whole case was laid before +him. To cut a long matter short—after hearing the +pros and cons, and referring to the Act of Parliament, +his worship decided that a trespass had been committed; +and though, he said, it went against the grain to do so, +he fined Jorrocks in the mitigated penalty of one +pound one.</p> + +<p>This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned to +the castle with their prog untouched and no great +appetite for dinner. Being only a family party, when +Mrs. B—— retired, the subject naturally turned upon +the morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks +waxed more valiant, until he swore he would appeal +against the "conwiction"; and remaining in the same +mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the +Temple in his way to St. Botolph Lane and had six-and-eightpence +worth with Mr. Capias the attorney, +who very judiciously argued each side of the question +without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a +case for counsel to advise upon.</p> + +<p>As usual, he gave one that would cut either way, +though if it had any tendency whatever it was to induce +Jorrocks to go on; and he not wanting much persuasion, +it will not surprise our readers to hear that Jorrocks, +Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen a few days +after crossing Waterloo Bridge in a yellow post-chaise, +on their way to Croydon sessions.</p> + +<p>After a "guinea" consultation at the "Greyhound," +they adjourned to the court, which was excessively +crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with the farmers +and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling, +too, running rather high at the time, there had been a +strong "whip" among the magistrates to get a full +attendance to reverse Boreem's conviction, who had +made himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at +the election. Of course they all came in new hats,<a id="footnotetag15" name="footnotetag15"></a><a href="#footnote15"><sup>15</sup></a> and +sat on the bench looking as wise as gentlemen judges +generally do.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote15" name="footnote15"></a><b>Footnote 15:</b><a href="#footnotetag15"> (return) </a> Magistrates always buy their hats about session times, as +they have the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in +court.</blockquote> + +<p>One hundred and twenty-two affiliation cases (for +this was in the old Poor Law time) having been disposed +of, about one o'clock in the afternoon, the chairman, +Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of the day. +He was a perfect prototype of a county magistrate—with +a bald powdered head covered by a low-crowned, +broad-brimmed hat, hair terminating behind in a <i>queue</i>, +resting on the ample collar of a snuff-brown coat, with +a large bay-window of a corporation, with difficulty +retained by the joint efforts of a buff waistcoat, and the +waistband of a pair of yellow leather breeches. His +countenance, which was solemn and grave in the +extreme, might either be indicative of sense or what +often serves in the place of wisdom—when parties can +only hold their tongues—great natural stupidity. From +the judge's seat, which he occupied in the centre of the +bench, he observed, with immense dignity, "There is +an appeal of Jorrocks against Cheatum, which we, the +bench of magistrates of our lord the king, will take if +the parties are ready," and immediately the court rang +with "Jorrocks and Cheatum! Jorrocks and Cheatum! +Mr. Capias, attorney-at-law! Mr. Capias answer to his +name! Mr. Sharp attorney-at-law! Mr. Sharp's in the +jury-room.—Then go fetch him directly," from the +ushers and bailiffs of the court; for though Tomkins +of Tomkins was slow himself, he insisted upon others +being quick, and was a great hand at prating about +saving the time of the suitors. At length the bustle of +counsel crossing the table, parties coming in and others +leaving court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers responding, +gradually subsided into a whisper of, "That's Jorrocks! +That's Cheatum!" as the belligerent parties took their +places by their respective counsel. Silence having been +called and procured, Mr. Smirk, a goodish-looking man +for a lawyer, having deliberately unfolded his brief, +which his clerk had scored plentifully in the margin, to +make the attorney believe he had read it very attentively, +rose to address the court—a signal for half the +magistrates to pull their newspapers out of their pockets, +and the other half to settle themselves down for a nap, +all the sport being considered over when the affiliation +cases closed.</p> + +<p>"I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr. Jorrocks," +said Mr. Smirk, "a gentleman of the very highest +consideration—a fox-hunter—a shooter—and a grocer. +In ordinary cases it might be necessary to prove the +party's claim to respectability, but, in this instance, +I feel myself relieved from any such obligation, knowing, +as I do, that there is no one in this court, no one in +these realms—I might almost add, no one in this world—to +whom the fame of my most respectable, my most +distinguished, and much injured client is unknown. Not +to know JORROCKS is indeed to argue oneself unknown."</p> + +<p>"This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I approach +it with a deep sense of its importance, conscious of my +inability to do justice to the subject, and lamenting +that it has not been entrusted to abler hands. It is a +case involving the commercial and the sporting character +of a gentleman against whom the breath of +calumny has never yet been drawn—of a gentleman +who in all the relations of life, whether as a husband, a +fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has invariably preserved +that character and reputation, so valuable in +commercial life, so necessary in the sporting world, and +so indispensable to a man moving in general society. +Were I to look round London town in search of a bright +specimen of a man combining the upright, sterling +integrity of the honourable British merchant of former +days with the ardour of the English fox-hunter of +modern times, I would select my most respectable +client, Mr. Jorrocks. He is a man for youth to imitate +and revere! Conceive, then, the horror of a man of his +delicate sensibility—of his nervous dread of depreciation—being +compelled to appear here this day to +vindicate his character, nay more, his honour, from +one of the foulest attempts at conspiracy that was +ever directed against any individual. I say that a +grosser attack was never made upon the character of +any grocer, and I look confidently to the reversion of +this unjust, unprecedented conviction, and to the +triumphant victory of my most respectable and public-spirited +client. It is not for the sake of the few paltry +shillings that he appeals to this court—it is not for the +sake of calling in question the power of the constituted +authorities of this county—but it is for the vindication +and preservation of a character dear to all men, but +doubly dear to a grocer, and which once lost can never +be regained. Look, I say, upon my client as he sits +below the witness-box, and say, if in that countenance +there appears any indication of a lawless or rebellious +spirit; look, I say, if the milk of human kindness is not +strikingly portrayed in every feature, and truly may +I exclaim in the words of the poet:"</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>If to his share some trifling errors fall,</p> +<p>Look in his face, and you'll forget them all.'</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable +time of the court; but, sir, this appeal is based on a +trespass, and one good trespass deserves another."</p> + +<p>The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail the +proceedings of the day's shooting, and afterwards to +analyse the enactments of the new Game Bill, which +he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and ridiculous, +and concluded a long and energetic speech, by calling +upon the court to reverse the decision of the magistrate, +and not support the preposterous position of fining a +man for a trespass committed by his toe.</p> + +<p>After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Sergeant +Bumptious, a stiff, bull-headed little man, desperately +pitted with the smallpox, rose to reply, and looking +round the court, thus commenced:</p> + +<p>"Five-and-thirty years have I passed in courts of +justice, but never, during a long and extensive practice, +have I witnessed so gross a perversion of that sublimest +gift, called eloquence, as within the last hour"—here +he banged his brief against the table, and looked at +Mr. Smirk, who smiled.—"I lament, sir, that it has not +been employed in a better cause—(bang again—and +another look). My learned friend has, indeed, laboured +to make the worse appear the better cause—to convert +into a trifle one of the most outrageous acts that ever +disgraced a human being or a civilised country. Well +did he describe the importance of this case!—important +as regards his client's character—important as regards +this great and populous county—important as regards +those social ties by which society is held together—important +as regards a legislative enactment, and +important as regards the well-being and prosperity +of the whole nation—(bang, bang, bang). I admire +the bombastic eloquence with which my learned friend +introduced his most distinguished client—his most +delicate minded—sensitive client!—Truly, to hear him +speaking I should have thought he had been describing +a lovely, blushing young lady, but when he comes to +exhibit his paragon of perfection, and points out that +great, red-faced, coarse, vulgar-looking, lubberly lump +of humanity—(here Bumptious looked at Jorrocks as +he would eat him)—sitting below the witness-box, +and seeks to enlist the sympathies of your worships +on the Bench—of you, gentlemen, the high-minded, +shrewd, penetrating judges of this important cause—(and +Bumptious smiled and bowed along the Bench +upon all whose eyes he could catch)—on behalf of such +a monster of iniquity, it does make one blush for the +degradation of the British Bar—(bang—bang—bang—Jorrocks +here looked unutterable things). Does my +learned friend think by displaying his hero as a fox-hunter, +and extolling his prowess in the field, to gain +over the sporting magistrates on the Bench? He knows +little of the upright integrity—the uncompromising +honesty—the undeviating, inflexible impartiality that +pervades the breast of every member of this tribunal, +if he thinks for the sake of gain, fear, favour, hope, +or reward, to influence the opinion, much less turn +the judgment, of any one of them." (Here Bumptious +bowed very low to them all and laid his hand upon +his heart. Tomkins nodded approbation.) "Far, far be +it from me to dwell with unbecoming asperity on the +conduct of anyone—we are all mortals—and alike liable +to err; but when I see a man who has been guilty of +an act which has brought him all but within the verge +of the prisoners' dock; I say, when I see a man who has +been guilty of such an outrage on society as this ruffian +Jorrocks, come forward with the daring effrontery that +he has this day done, and claim redress where he himself +is the offender, it does create a feeling in my mind +divided between disgust and amazement"—(bang).</p> + +<p>Here Jorrock's cauldron boiled over, and rising from +his seat with an outstretched shoulder-of-mutton fist, +he bawled out, "D—n you, sir, what do you mean?"</p> + +<p>The court was thrown into amazement, and even +Bumptious quailed before the fist of the mighty Jorrocks. +"I claim the protection of the court," he exclaimed. +Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he should certainly +order Mr. Jorrocks into custody if he repeated his +conduct, adding that it was "most disrespectful to the +justices of our lord the king."</p> + +<p>Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a +fresh volume of venom wherewith to annihilate Jorrocks, +and catching his eye, he transfixed him like +a rattlesnake, and again resumed.</p> + +<p>"How stands the case?" said he. "This cockney +grocer—for after all he is nothing else—who I dare +say scarcely knows a hawk from a hand-saw—leaves +his figs and raisins, and sets out on a marauding excursion +into the county of Surrey, and regardless of property—of +boundaries—of laws—of liberties—of life itself—strides +over every man's land, letting drive at whatever +comes in his way! The hare he shot on this occasion was +a pet hare!—For three successive summers had Miss +Cheatum watched and fed it with all the interest and +anxiety of a parent. I leave it to you, gentlemen, who +have daughters of your own, with pets also, to picture +to yourselves the agony of her mind in finding that her +favourite had found its way down the throat of that +great guzzling, gormandising, cockney cormorant; and +then, forsooth, because he is fined for the outrageous +trespass, he comes here as the injured party, and +instructs his counsel to indulge in Billingsgate abuse +that would disgrace the mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner! +I regret that instead of the insignificant fine +imposed upon him, the law did not empower the worthy +magistrate to send him to the treadmill, there to recreate +himself for six or eight months, as a warning to the whole +fraternity of lawless vagabonds." Here he nodded his +head at Jorrocks as much as to say, "I'll trounce you, +my boy!" He then produced maps and plans of the +different estates, and a model of the shed, to show how +it had all happened, and after going through the case +in such a strain as would induce one to believe it was a +trial for murder or high treason, concluded as follows:</p> + +<p>"The eyes of England are upon us—reverse this conviction, +and you let loose a rebel band upon the country, +ripe for treason, stratagem, or spoil—you overturn the +finest order of society in the world; henceforth no man's +property will be safe, the laws will be disregarded, and +even the upright, talented, and independent magistracy +of England brought into contempt. But I feel convinced +that your decision will be far otherwise—that by +it you will teach these hot-headed—rebellious—radical +grocers that they cannot offend with impunity, and +show them that there is a law which reaches even the +lowest and meanest inhabitant of these realms, that +amid these days of anarchy and innovation you will +support the laws and aristocracy of this country, that +you will preserve to our children, and our children's +children, those rights and blessings which a great and +enlightened administration have conferred upon ourselves, +and raise for Tomkins of Tomkins and the +magistracy of the proud county of Surrey, a name +resplendent in modern times and venerated to all +eternity."</p> + +<p>Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks, +and banging down his brief, tucked his gown under +his arm, turned on his heel and left the court, to indulge +in a glass of pale sherry and a sandwich, regardless +which way the verdict went, so long as he had given him +a good quilting. The silence that followed had the effect +of rousing some of the dozing justices, who nudging +those who had fallen asleep, they all began to stir +themselves, and having laid their heads together, during +which time they settled the dinner-hour for that day, +and the meets of the staghounds for the next fortnight, +they began to talk of the matter before the court.</p> + +<p>"I vote for reversing," said Squire Jolthead; "Jorrocks +is such a capital fellow." "I must support Boreem," said +Squire Hicks: "he gave me a turn when I made the mistaken +commitment of Gipsy Jack." "What do you say, +Mr. Giles?" inquired Mr. Tomkins. "Oh, anything you +like, Mr. Tomkins." "And you, Mr. Hopper?" who had +been asleep all the time. "Oh! guilty, I should say—three +months at the treadmill—privately whipped, if +you like," was the reply. Mr. Petty always voted on +whichever side Bumptious was counsel—the learned +serjeant having married his sister—and four others +always followed the chair.</p> + +<p>Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates resumed +their seats along the bench, and coming forward he stood +before the judge's chair, and taking off his hat with +solemn dignity and precision, laid it down exactly in the +centre of the desk, amid cries from the bailiffs and ushers +for "Silence, while the justices of the peace of our +sovereign lord the king, deliver the judgment of the +court."</p> + +<p>"The appellant in this case," said Mr. Tomkins, very +slowly, "seeks to set aside a conviction for trespass, +on the ground, as I understand, of his not having committed +one. The principal points of the case are admitted, +as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's toe, or a part of his toe, +having intruded upon the respondent's estate. Now, so +far as that point is concerned, it seems clear to myself +and to my brother magistrates, that it mattereth not +how much or how little of the toe was upon the land, +so long as any part thereof was there. 'De minimis non +curat lex'—the English of which is 'the law taketh no +cognisance of fractions'—is a maxim among the salaried +judges of the inferior courts in Westminster Hall, which +we the unpaid, the in-cor-rup-ti-ble magistrates of the +proud county of Surrey, have adopted in the very deep +and mature deliberation that preceded the formation +of our most solemn judgment. In the present great and +important case, we, the unpaid magistrates of our +sovereign lord the king, do not consider it necessary +that there should be 'a toe, a whole toe, and nothing +but a toe,' to constitute a trespass, any more than it +would be necessary in the case of an assault to prove +that the kick was given by the foot, the whole foot, and +nothing but the foot. If any part of the toe was there, +the law considers that it was there <i>in toto</i>. Upon this +doctrine, it is clear that Mr. Jorrocks was guilty of a +trespass, and the conviction must be affirmed. Before +I dismiss the case I must say a few words on the statute +under which this decision takes place.</p> + +<p>"This is the first conviction that has taken place +since the passing of the Act, and will serve as a precedent +throughout all England. I congratulate the country +upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which it has been +submitted. The court has listened with great and becoming +attention to the arguments of the counsel on +both sides: and though one gentleman with a flippant +ignorance has denounced this new law as inferior to the +pre-existing system, and a curse to the country, we, the +magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, must enter +our protest against such a doctrine being promulgated. +Peradventure, you are all acquainted with my prowess +as a shooter; I won two silver tankards at the Red +House, Anno Domini 1815. I mention this to show that +I am a practical sportsman, and as to the theory of the +Game Laws, I derive my information from the same +source that you may all derive yours—from the bright +refulgent pages of the <i>New Sporting Magazine</i>!"</p> +<br><br> + +<a name="IV" id="IV"></a> +<h3>IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS</h3> + +<p>The Surrey foxhounds had closed their season—a most +brilliant one—but ere Mr. Jorrocks consigned his boots +and breeches to their summer slumber, he bethought of +having a look at the Surrey staghounds, a pack now +numbered among the things that were.</p> + +<p>Of course he required a companion, were it only to +have some one to criticise the hounds with, so the +evening before the appointed day, as the Yorkshireman +was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the +Piazza Coffee-room in Covent Garden, having just finished +his second marrowbone and glass of white brandy, +George—the only waiter in the room with a name—came +smirking up with a card in his hand, saying, that +the gentleman was waiting outside to speak with him. +It was a printed one, but the large round hand in which +the address had been filled up, encroaching upon the +letters, had made the name somewhat difficult to decipher. +At length he puzzled out "Mr. John Jorrocks—Coram +Street"; the name of the city house or shop in +the corner (No.—, St. Botolph's Lane) being struck +through with a pen. "Oh, ask him to walk in directly," +said the Yorkshireman to George, who trotted off, and +presently the flapping of the doors in the passage announced +his approach, and honest Jorrocks came rolling +up the room—not like a fox-hunter, or any other sort of +hunter, but like an honest wholesale grocer, fresh from +the city.</p> + +<p>"My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't +think," said he, advancing with both hands out, and +hugging the Yorkshireman after the manner of a Polar +bear. "I have not time to stay one moment; I have to +meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury Square +at a quarter to six, and it wants now only seven minutes +to," casting his eye up at the clock over the sideboard.—"I +have just called to say that as you are fond of +hunting, and all that sort of thing, if you have a mind +for a day with the staghounds to-morrow, I will mount +you same as before, and all that sort of thing—you understand, +eh?" "Thank you, my good friend," said the +Yorkshireman; "I have nothing to do to-morrow, and +am your man for a stag-hunt." "That's right, my good +fellow," said Jorrocks, "then I'll tell you what do—come +and breakfast with me in Great Coram Street, at +half-past seven to a minute. I've got one of the first +'ams (hams) you ever clapt eyes on in the whole course +of your memorable existence.—Saw the hog alive myself—sixteen +score within a pound; must come—know +you like a fork breakfast—dejeune ą la fauchette, as we +say in France, eh? Like my Lord Mayor's fool I guess, +love what's good; well, all right too—so come without +any ceremony—us fox-hunters hates ceremony—where +there's ceremony there's no friendship.—Stay—I had +almost forgotten," added he, checking himself as he +was on the point of departure. "When you come, ring +the area bell, and then Mrs. J—— won't hear; know you +don't like Mrs. J—— no more than myself."</p> + +<p>At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached +Great Coram Street, just as Old Jorrocks had opened +the door to look down the street for him. He was dressed +in a fine flowing, olive-green frock (made like a dressing-gown), +with a black velvet collar, having a gold embroidered +stag on each side, gilt stag-buttons, with rich +embossed edges; an acre of buff waistcoat, and a most +antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre buckskins, +made by White, of Tarporley, in the twenty-first year +of the reign of George the Third; they were double-lashed, +back-stiched, front-stiched, middle-stiched, and +patched at both knees, with a slit up behind. The coat +he had won in a bet, and the breeches in a raffle, the +latter being then second or third hand. His boots were +airing before the fire, consequently he displayed an +amplitude of calf in grey worsted stockings, while his +feet were thrust into green slippers. "So glad to see +you"! said he; "here's a charming morning, indeed—regular +southerly wind and a cloudy sky—rare scenting +it will be—think I could almost run a stag myself. Come +in—never mind your hat, hang it anywhere, but don't +make a noise. I stole away and left Mrs. J—— snoring, so +won't do to wake her, you know. By the way, you should +see my hat;—Batsey, fatch my hat out of the back +parlour. I've set up a new green silk cord, with a gold +frog to fasten it to my button-hole—werry illigant, I +think, and werry suitable to the dress—quite my own +idea—have a notion all the Surrey chaps will get them; +for, between you and me, I set the fashions, and what +is more, I sometimes set them at a leap too. But now +tell me, have you any objection to breakfasting in the +kitchen?—more retired, you know, besides which you +get everything hot and hot, which is what I call doing +a bit of plisure." "Not at all," said the Yorkshireman, +"so lead the way"; and down they walked to the lower +regions.</p> + +<p>It was a nice comfortable-looking place, with a blazing +fire, half the floor covered with an old oil-cloth, and the +rest exhibiting the cheerless aspect of the naked flags. +About a yard and a half from the fire was placed the +breakfast table; in the centre stood a magnificent uncut +ham, with a great quartern loaf on one side and a huge +Bologna sausage on the other; besides these there were +nine eggs, two pyramids of muffins, a great deal of toast, +a dozen ship-biscuits, and half a pork-pie, while a dozen +kidneys were spluttering on a spit before the fire, and +Betsy held a gridiron covered with mutton-chops on the +top; altogether there was as much as would have served +ten people. "Now, sit down," said Jorrocks, "and let +us be doing, for I am as hungry as a hunter. Hope you +are peckish too; what shall I give you? tea or coffee?—but +take both—coffee first and tea after a bit. If I can't +give you them good, don't know who can. You must +pay your devours, as we say in France, to the 'am, for +it is an especial fine one, and do take a few eggs with it; +there, I've not given you above a pound of 'am, but you +can come again, you know—waste not want not. +Now take some muffins, do, pray. Batsey, bring some +more cream, and set the kidneys on the table, the Yorkshireman +is getting nothing to eat. Have a chop with +your kidney, werry luxterous—I could eat an elephant +stuffed with grenadiers, and wash them down with a +ocean of tea; but pray lay in to the breakfast, or I shall +think you don't like it. There, now take some tea and +toast or one of those biscuits, or whatever you like; +would a little more 'am be agreeable? Batsey, run into the +larder and see if your Missis left any of that cold chine +of pork last night—and hear, bring the cold goose, and +any cold flesh you can lay hands on, there are really +no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set you +down to such a scanty fork breakfast; but this is what +comes of not being master of your own house. Hope your +hat may long cover your family: rely upon it, it is +cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a pig". Just +as Jorrocks uttered these last words the side door +opened, and without either "with your leave or by +your leave", in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in an elegant +dishabille (or "dish-of-veal", as Jorrocks pronounced +it), with her hair tucked up in papers, and a pair of +worsted slippers on her feet, worked with roses and +blue lilies.</p> + +<p>"Pray, Mister J——," said she, taking no more notice +of the Yorkshireman than if he had been enveloped in +Jack the Giant-killer's coat of darkness, "what is the +meaning of this card? I found it in your best coat pocket, +which you had on last night, and I do desire, sir, that +you will tell me how it came there. Good morning, sir +(spying the Yorkshireman at last), perhaps you know +where Mr. Jorrocks was last night, and perhaps you +can tell me who this person is whose card I have found +in the corner of Mr. Jorrocks's best coat pocket?" +"Indeed, madam", replied the Yorkshireman, "Mr. +Jorrocks's movements of yesterday evening are quite +a secret to me. It is the night that he usually spends +at the Magpie and Stump, but whether he was there +or not I cannot pretend to say, not being a member of +the free and easy club. As for the card, madam..." +"There, then, take it and read it," interrupted Mrs. J——; +and he took the card accordingly—a delicate pale pink, +with blue borders and gilt edge—and read—we would +fain put it all in dashes and asterisks—"Miss Juliana +Granville, John Street, Waterloo Road."</p> + +<p>This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or two +to recollect himself, he pretended to get into a thundering +passion, and seizing the card out of the Yorkshireman's +hand, he thrust it into the fire, swearing it was an +application for admission into the Deaf and Dumb Institution, +where he wished he had Mrs. J——. The Yorkshireman, +seeing the probability of a breeze, pretended to +have forgotten something at the Piazza, and stole away, +begging Jorrocks to pick him up as he passed. Peace +had soon been restored; for the Yorkshireman had not +taken above three or four turns up and down the coffee-room, +ere George the waiter came to say that a gentleman +waited outside. Putting on his hat and taking a +coat over his arm, he turned out; when just before the +door he saw a man muffled up in a great military cloak, +and a glazed hat, endeavouring to back a nondescript +double-bodied carriage (with lofty mail box-seats and +red wheels), close to the pavement. "Who-ay, who-ay," +said he, "who-ay, who-ay, horse!" at the same time +jerking at his mouth. As the Yorkshireman made his +exit, a pair eyes of gleamed through the small aperture +between the high cloak collar and the flipe of the glazed +hat, which he instantly recognised to belong to Jorrocks. +"Why, what the deuce is this you are in?" said he, +looking at the vehicle. "Jump up," said Jorrocks, "and +I'll tell you all about it," which having done, and the +machine being set in motion he proceeded to relate +the manner in which he had exchanged his cruelty-van +for it—by the way, as arrant a bone-setter as ever +unfortunate got into, but which he, with the predilection +all men have for their own, pronounced to be a "monstrous +nice carriage." On their turning off the rough +pavement on to the quiet smooth Macadamised road +leading to Waterloo Bridge, his dissertation was +interrupted by a loud horse-laugh raised by two or three +toll-takers and boys lounging about the gate.</p> + +<p>"I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine," said one. "Dash +my buttons, I never seed such a thing in all my life." +"What's to pay?" inquired Jorrocks, pulling up with +great dignity, their observations not having penetrated +the cloak collar which encircled his ears. "To pay!" +said the toll-taker—"vy, vot do ye call your consarn?" +"Why, a phaeton," said Jorrocks. "My eyes! that's a +good 'un," said another. "I say, Jim—he calls this 'ere +thing a phe-a-ton!" "A phe-a-ton!—vy, it's more like +a fire-engine," said Jim. "Don't be impertinent," said +Jorrocks, who had pulled down his collar to hear what +he had to pay—"but tell me what's to pay?" "Vy, +it's a phe-a-ton drawn by von or more 'orses," said the +toll-taker; "and containing von or more asses," said +Tom. "Sixpence-halfpenny, sir," "You are a saucy +fellow," said Jorrocks. "Thank ye, master, you're +another," said the toll-taker; "and now that you have +had your say, vot do ye ax for your mouth?" "I say, +sir, do you belong to the Phenix? Vy don't you show +your badge?" "I say, Tom, that 'ere fire-engine has been +painted by some house-painter, it's never been in the +hands of no coach-maker. Do you shave by that 'ere +glazed castor of yours?" "I'm blowed it I wouldn't +get you a shilling a week to shove your face in sand, +to make moulds for brass knockers." "Ay, get away!—make +haste, or the fire will be out," bawled out +another, as Jorrocks whipped on, and rattled out of +hearing.</p> + +<p>"Now, you see," said he, resuming the thread of his +discourse, as if nothing had happened, "this back seat +turns down and makes a box, so that when Mrs. J—— +goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all her things +with her, instead of sending half of them by the coach +as she used to do; and if we are heavy, there is a pole +belonging to it, so that we can have two horses; and +then there is a seat draws out here (pulling a stool from +between his legs) which anybody can sit on." "Yes, +anybody that is small enough," said the Yorkshireman, +"but you would cut a queer figure on it, I reckon." +The truth was, that the "fire-engine" was one of those +useless affairs built by some fool upon a plan of his own, +with the idea of combining every possible comfort and +advantage, and in reality not possessing one. Friend +Jorrocks had seen it at a second-hand shop in Fore +Street, and became the happy owner of it, in exchange +for the cruelty-van and seventeen pounds.—Their +appearance on the road created no small sensation, +and many were the jokes passed upon the "fire-engine." +One said they were mountebanks; another that it was +a horse-break; a third asked if it was one of Gurney's +steam-carriages, while a fourth swore it was a new convict-cart +going to Brixton. Jorrocks either did not or +would not hear their remarks, and kept expatiating +upon the different purposes to which the machine might +be converted, and the stoutness of the horse that was +drawing it.</p> + +<p>As they approached the town of Croydon, he turned +his cloak over his legs in a very workman-like manner, +and was instantly hailed by some brother sportsmen;—one +complimented him on his looks, another on his +breeches, a third praised his horse, a fourth abused the +fire-engine, and a fifth inquired where he got his glazed +hat. He had an answer for them all, and a nod or a +wink for every pretty maid that showed at the windows; +for though past the grand climacteric, he still has a +spice of the devil in him—and, as he says, "there is no +harm in looking." The "Red Lion" at Smitham Bottom +was the rendezvous of the day. It is a small inn on the +Brighton road, some three or four miles below Croydon. +On the left of the road stands the inn, on the right is a +small training-ground, and the country about is open +common and down. There was an immense muster +about the inn, and also on the training-ground, consisting +of horsemen, gig-men, post-chaise-men, footmen,—Jorrocks +and the Yorkshireman made the firemen.</p> + +<p>"Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare", exclaimed one, +as Jorrocks drove the fire-engine up at as quick a pace +as his horse would go. "Why, what a concern he's in", +said another, "why, the old man's mad, surely".—"He's +good for a subscription," added another, addressing +him. "I say, Jorrocks, old boy, you'll give us ten +pound for our hounds won't you?—that's a good fellow." +"Oh yes, Jorrocks promised us a subscription last year," +observed another, "and he is a man of his word—arn't +you old leather breeches?" "No, gentlemen," said +Jorrocks, standing up in the fire-engine, and sticking +the whip into its nest, "I really cannot—I wish I could, +but I really cannot afford it. Times really are so bad, +and I have my own pack to subscribe to, and I must +be 'just before I am generous.'" "Oh, but ten pounds +is nothing in your way, you know, Jorrocks—adulterate +a chest of tea. Old——here will give you all the leaves +off his ash-trees." "No," said Jorrocks, "I really cannot—ten +pounds is ten pounds, and I must cut my coat +according to my cloth." "By Jove, but you must have +had plenty of cloth when you cut that coat you've got +on, old boy. Why there's as much cloth in the laps as +would make a pair of horse-sheets." "Never mind," +said Jorrocks, "I wear it, and not you." "Now," said +Jorrocks in an undertone to the Yorkshireman, "you +see what an unconscionable set of dogs these stag-'unters +are. They're at every man for a subscription, and talk +about guineas as if they grew upon gooseberry-bushes. +Besides, they are such a rubbishing set—all drafts from +the fox'ounds.—Now there's a chap on a piebald just +by the trees—he goes into the <i>Gazette</i> reglarly once +in three years, and yet to see him out, you'd fancy all +the country round belonged to him. And there's a buck +with his bearing-rein so tight that he can hardly move +his neck," pointing to a gentleman in scarlet, with a +tremendous stiff blue cravat—"he lives by keeping a +mad-house and being werry high, consequential sort of +a cock, they calls him the 'Lord High Keeper!'—I'll +tell ye a joke about that fellow," said he, pointing to +a man alighting from a red-wheeled buggy—"he's a +werry shabby screw, and is always trying to save a +penny.—Well, he hires a young half-witted hawbuck +for a servant, who didn't clean his boots to his liking, +so he began reading the Riot Act one day, and concluded +by saying, 'I'm blowed if I couldn't clean them better +myself with a little pump-water.'—The next day, up +came the boots duller than ever.—'Bless my soul,' +exclaimed he, 'why, they are worse than before, how's +this, sir?'—'Please, sir, you said you could clean them +better with a little pump-water, so I tried it, and I do +think they are worse!' Haw! haw! haw!—Yon chap in +the black plush breeches and Hessians, standing by +the ginger-pop tray, is the only man what ever got the +better of me in the 'oss-dealing line, and he certainlie +did bite me uncommon 'andsomely. I gave him three +and twenty pounds, a strong violin case with patent +hinges, lined with superfine green baize, and an uncut +copy of Middleton's <i>Cicero</i>, for an 'oss that the blacksmith +really declared wasn't worth shoeing.—Howsomever, +I paid him off, for I christened the 'oss Barabbas—who, +you knows, was a robber—and the seller has +gone by the name of Barabbas ever since."</p> + +<p>"Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine?" +inquired Jorrocks, turning to a group who had just +approached the fire-engine. "We don't know yet," said +a gentleman in scarlet, "the deer has not come yet; +but yonder he is," pointing up the road to a covered +cart, "and there are the hounds just coming over the +hill at the back." The covered cart approached, and +several went to meet it. The cry of "Oh, it's old Tunbridge," +was soon heard. "Well, we shall have a good +dinner," said Jorrocks, "if that is the case. Is it Tunbridge?" +inquired he eagerly of one of the party who +returned from the deer-cart. "Yes, it's old Tunbridge, +and Snooks has ordered dinner at the Wells for sixteen +at five o'clock, so the first sixteen that get there had +better look out." "Here, bouy," said Jorrocks in an +undertone to his servant, who was leading his screws +about on the green, "take this 'oss out of the carriage, +and give him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tunbridge +Wells, and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, +that I shall be there with a friend to the dinner, and +bid him write 'Jorrocks' upon two plates and place +them together.—Nothing like making sure," said he, +chuckling at his own acuteness.</p> + +<p>"Now to 'orse—to 'orse!" exclaimed he, suiting the +action to the word, and climbing on to his great chestnut, +leaving the Yorkshireman to mount the rat-tail +brown. "Let's have a look at the 'ounds", turning his +horse in the direction in which they were coming. +Jonathan Griffin<a id="footnotetag16" name="footnotetag16"></a><a href="#footnote16"><sup>16</sup></a> took off his cap to Jorrocks, as he +approached, who waved his hand in the most patronising +manner possible, adding "How are you, Jonathan?" +"Pretty well, thank you, Mister Jorrocks, hope you're +the same." "No, not the same, for I'm werry well, +which makes all the difference—haw! haw! haw! You +seem to have but a shortish pack, I think—ten, twelve, +fourteen couple—'ow's that? We always take nine and +twenty with the Surrey". "Why, you see, Mister +Jorrocks, stag-hunting and fox-hunting are very +different. The scent of the deer is very ravishing, and +then we have no drawing for our game. Besides, at this +season, there are always bitches to put back—but we +have plenty of hounds for sport.—I suppose we may +be after turning out," added Jonathan, looking at his +watch—"it's past eleven."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote16" name="footnote16"></a><b>Footnote 16:</b><a href="#footnotetag16"> (return) </a> Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his +day, exists, like his pack, but in the recollection of mankind. He +was long huntsman to the late Lord Derby, who, when he gave +up his staghounds, made Jonathan a present of them, and for +two or three seasons he scratched on in an indifferent sort of +way, until the hounds were sold to go abroad—to Hungary, we +believe.</blockquote> + +<p>On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and +began collecting, or capping, prior to turning out—it +being the rule of the hunt to make sure of the money +before starting, for fear of accidents. "Half a crown, if +you please, sir." "Now I'll take your half a crown." +"Mr. Jorrocks, shall I trouble you for half a crown?" +"Oh, surely," said Jorrocks, pulling out a handful of +great five-shilling pieces; "here's for this gentleman and +myself," handing one of them over, "and I shan't even +ask you for discount for ready money." The capping +went round, and a goodly sum was collected. Meanwhile +the deer-cart was drawn to the far side of a thick fence, +and the door being opened, a lubberly-looking animal, +as big as a donkey, blobbed out, and began feeding very +composedly. "That won't do," said Jonathan Griffin, +eyeing him—"ride on, Tom, and whip him away." Off +went the whip, followed by a score of sportsmen whose +shouts, aided by the cracking of their whips, would have +frightened the devil himself; and these worthies, knowing +the hounds would catch them up in due time, resolved +themselves into a hunt for the present, and pursued +the animal themselves. Ten minutes having expired +and the hounds seeming likely to break away, Jonathan +thought it advisable to let them have their wicked will, +and accordingly they rushed off in full cry to the spot +where the deer had been uncarted. Of course, there was +no trouble in casting for the scent; indeed they were +very honest, and did not pretend to any mystery; the +hounds knew within an inch where it would be, and the +start was pretty much like that for a hunter's plate +in four-mile heats. A few dashing blades rode before +the hounds at starting, but otherwise the field was +tolerably quiet, and was considerably diminished after +the three first leaps. The scent improved, as did the +pace, and presently they got into a lane along which +they rattled for five miles as hard as ever they could +lay legs to the ground, throwing the mud into each +other's faces, until each man looked as if he was roughcast. +A Kentish wagon, drawn by six oxen, taking up +the whole of the lane, had obliged the dear animal to +take to the fields again, where, at the first fence, most +of our high-mettled racers stood still. In truth, it was +rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch, with a mud bank +and a rotten landing. "Now, who's for it? Go it, Jorrocks, +you're a fox-hunter," said one, who, erecting himself in +his stirrups, was ogling the opposite side. "I don't like +it," said Jorrocks; "is never a gate near?" "Oh yes, +at the bottom of the field," and away they all tore for it. +The hounds now had got out of sight, but were heard +running in cover at the bottom of the turnip-field into +which they had just passed, and also the clattering of +horses' hoofs on the highway. The hounds came out +several times on to the road, evidently carrying the +scent, but as often threw up and returned into the cover. +The huntsman was puzzled at last; and quite convinced +that the deer was not in the wood, he called them out, +and proceeded to make a cast, followed by the majority +of the field. They trotted about at a brisk pace, first +to the right, then to the left, afterwards to the north, +and then to the south, over grass, fallow, turnips, potatoes, +and flints, through three farmyards, round two +horse-ponds, and at the back of a small village or hamlet, +without a note, save those of a few babblers. Everyone +seemed to consider it a desperate job. They were all +puzzled; at last they heard a terrible holloaing about a +quarter of a mile to the south, and immediately after +was espied a group of horsemen, galloping along the +road at full speed, in the centre of which was Jorrocks; +his green coat wide open, with the tails flying a long +way behind that of his horse, his right leg was thrust +out, down the side of which he kept applying his ponderous +hunting whip, making a most terrible clatter. +As they approached, he singled himself out from the +group, and was the first to reach the field. He immediately +burst out into one of his usual hunting energetic +strains. "Oh Jonathan Griffin! Jonathan Griffin!" said +he, "here's a lamentable occurrence—a terrible disaster! +Oh dear, oh dear—we shall never get to Tunbridge—that +unfortunate deer has escaped us, and we shall +never see nothing more of him—rely upon it, he's +killed before this." "Why, how's that?" inquired Griffin, +evidently in a terrible perturbation. "Why," said +Jorrocks, slapping the whip down his leg again, "there's +a little girl tells me, that as she was getting water at +the well just at the end of the wood, where we lost him, +she saw what she took to be a donkey jump into a return +post-chaise from the 'Bell', at Seven Oaks, that was +passing along the road with the door swinging wide +open! and you may rely upon it, it was the deer. The +landlord of the 'Bell' will have cut his throat before this, +for, you know, he vowed wengeance against us last year, +because his wife's pony-chaise was upset, and he swore +that we did it." "Oh, but that's a bad job", said the +huntsman; "what shall we do?" "Here, Tom," calling +to the whipper-in, "jump on to the Hastings coach" +(which just came up), "and try if you can't overtake +him, and bring him back, chaise and all, and I'll follow +slowly with the hounds." Tom was soon up, the coach +bowled on, and Jonathan and the hounds trotted gently +forward till they came to a public-house. Here, as they +stopped lamenting over their unhappy fate, and consoling +themselves with some cold sherry negus, the post-chaise +appeared in sight, with the deer's head sticking +out of the side window with all the dignity of a Lord +Mayor. "Huzza! huzza! huzza!" exclaimed Jorrocks, +taking off his hat, "here's old Tunbridge come back again, +huzza! huzza!" "But who's to pay me for the po-chay," +said the driver, pulling up; "I must be paid before I let +him out." "How much?" says Jonathan. "Why, +eighteen-pence a mile, to be sure, and three-pence a +mile to the driver." "No," says Jorrocks, "that won't do, +yours is a return chay; however, here's five shillings for +you, and now, Jonathan, turn him out again—he's +quite fresh after his ride—and see, he's got some straw +in the bottom."</p> + +<p>Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head +towards the town from whence he took his name, and +after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack was again laid +on. He was not, however, in very good wind, and it was +necessary to divide the second chase into two heats, for +which purpose the hounds were whipped off about the +middle, while the deer took a cold bath, after which he +was again set a-going. By half-past three they had +accomplished the run; and Mr. Pegg, of the "Sussex +Arms," having mounted his Pegasus, found them at the +appointed place by the Medway, where old Tunbridge's +carriage was waiting, into which having handed him, +they repaired to the inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of +them sat down to a dinner consisting of every delicacy +of the season, the Lord High Keeper in the chair. Being +all "hungry as hunters," little conversation passed until +after the removal of the cloth, when after the King and +his Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the President +gave "The noble, manly sport of stag-hunting," which +he eulogised as the most legitimate and exhilarating of +all sports, and sketched its progress from its wild state +of infancy when the unhappy sportsmen had to range +the fields and forests for their uncertain game, to the +present state of luxurious ease and elaborate refinement, +when they not only brought their deer to the meet, but +by selecting the proper animal, could insure a finish at +the place they most wished to dine at—all of which was +most enthusiastically applauded; and on the speaker's +ending, "Stag-hunting," and the "Surrey staghounds," +and "Long life to all stag-hunters," were drank in +brimming and overflowing bumpers. Fox-hunting, hare-hunting, +rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, rat-catching, +badger-baiting—all wild, seasonable, and legitimate +sports followed; and the chairman having run through +his list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting rather mellow, +resolved to try the soothing system on him for a subscription, +the badgering of the morning not having +answered. Accordingly, he called on the company to +charge their glasses, as he would give them a bumper +toast, which he knew they would have great pleasure +in drinking.—"He wished to propose the health of his +excellent friend on his right—MR. JORROCKS (applause), +a gentleman whose name only required mentioning in +any society of hunters to insure it a hearty and enthusiastic +reception. He did not flatter his excellent friend +when he said he was a man for the imitation of all, and +he was sure that when the present company recollected +the liberal support he gave to the Surrey foxhounds, +together with the keenness with which he followed that +branch of amusement, they would duly appreciate, not +only the honour he had conferred upon them by his +presence in the field that morning, and at the table +that day, but the disinterested generosity which had +prompted him voluntarily to declare his intention of +contributing to the future support of the Surrey staghounds +(immense cheers). He therefore thought the +least they could do was to drink the health of Mr. +Jorrocks, and success to the Surrey foxhounds, with +three times three," which was immediately responded +to with deafening cheers.</p> + +<p>Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on his +legs, and with one hand rattling the five-shilling pieces +in his breeches-pocket, and the thumb of the other +thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus began +to address them.—"Gentlemen," said he, "I'm no orator, +but I'm an honest man—(hiccup)—I feels werry (hiccup) +much obliged to my excellent friend the Lord High +Keeper (shouts of laughter), I begs his pardon—my +friend Mr. Juggins—for the werry flattering compliment +he has paid me in coupling my name (hiccup) +with the Surrey fox'ounds—a pack, I may say, without +wanity (hiccup), second to none. I'm a werry old member +of the 'unt, and when I was a werry poor man (hiccup) +I always did my best to support them (hiccup), and +now that I'm a werry rich man (cheers) I shan't do no +otherwise. About subscribing to the staggers, I doesn't +recollect saying nothing whatsomever about it (hiccup), +but as I'm werry friendly to sporting in all its ramifications +(hiccup), I'll be werry happy to give ten pounds +to your 'ounds."—Immense cheers followed this declaration, +which lasted for some seconds. When they had +subsided, Jorrocks put his finger on his nose and, with a +knowing wink of his eye, added: "Prowided my friend +the Lord High Keep—I begs his pardon—Juggins—will +give ten pounds to ours!"</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="V" id="V"></a> +<h3>V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT<br> +NEWMARKET</h3> + +<p>"A muffin—and the <i>Post</i>, sir," said George to the +Yorkshireman,—on one of the fine fresh mornings that +gently usher in the returning spring, and draw from the +town-pent cits sighs for the verdure of the fields,—as +he placed the above mentioned articles on his usual +breakfast table in the coffee-room of the "Piazza."</p> + +<p>With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole +day is unoccupied, the Yorkshireman sweetened his tea, +drew the muffin and a select dish of prawns to his elbow, +and turning sideways to the table, crossed his legs and +prepared to con the contents of the paper. The first +page as usual was full of advertisements.—Sales by +auction—Favour of your vote and interest—If the +next of kin—Reform your tailor's bills—Law—- Articled +clerk—An absolute reversion—Pony phaeton—Artificial +teeth—Messrs. Tattersall—Brace of pointers—Dog +lost—Boy found—Great sacrifice—No advance in coffee—Matrimony—A +single gentleman—Board and lodging +in an airy situation—To omnibus proprietors—Steam +to Leith and Hull—Stationery—Desirable investment +for a small capital—The fire reviver or lighter.</p> + +<p>Then turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole +meadow of type, consisting of the previous night's debate, +followed on by City news, Police reports, Fashionable +arrivals and departures, Dinners given, Sporting +intelligence, Newmarket Craven meeting. "That's more +in my way," said the Yorkshireman to himself as he +laid down the paper and took a sip of his tea. "I've a +great mind to go, for I may just as well be at Newmarket +as here, having nothing particular to do in either +place. I came to stay a hundred pounds in London it's +true, but if I stay ten of it at Newmarket, it'll be all +the same, and I can go home from there just as well as +from here"; so saying, he took another turn at the tea. +The race list was a tempting one, Riddlesworth, Craven +Stakes, Column Stakes, Oatlands, Port, Claret, Sherry, +Madeira, and all other sorts. A good week's racing in +fact, for the saintly sinners who frequent the Heath had +not then discovered any greater impropriety in travelling +on a Sunday, then in cheating each other on the Monday. +The tea was good, as were the prawns and eggs, and +George brought a second muffin, at the very moment +that the Yorkshireman had finished the last piece of +the first, so that by the time he had done his breakfast +and drawn on his boots, which were dryer and pleasanter +than the recent damp weather had allowed of their +being, he felt completely at peace with himself and all +the world, and putting on his hat, sallied forth with +the self-satisfied air of a man who had eat a good breakfast, +and yet not too much.</p> + +<p>Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind, and as +he sauntered along in the direction of the Strand, it +occurred to him that perhaps Mr. Jorrocks might have +no objection to accompany him. On entering that great +thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to the east, and +having examined the contents of all the caricature shops +in the line, and paid threepence for a look at the <i>York +Herald</i>, in the Chapter Coffee-house, St. Paul's Churchyard, +about noon he reached the corner of St. Botolph +Lane. Before Jorrocks & Co.'s warehouse, great bustle +and symptoms of brisk trade were visible. With true +city pride, the name on the door-post was in small dirty-white +letters, sufficiently obscure to render it apparent +that Mr. Jorrocks considered his house required no sign; +while, as a sort of contradiction, the covered errand-cart +before it, bore "JORROCKS & Co.'s WHOLESALE TEA +WAREHOUSE," in great gilt letters on each side of the +cover, so large that "he who runs might read," even +though the errand-cart were running too. Into this cart, +which was drawn by the celebrated rat-tail hunter, they +were pitching divers packages for town delivery, and a +couple of light porters nearly upset the Yorkshireman, +as they bustled out with their loads. The warehouse +itself gave evident proof of great antiquity. It was not +one of your fine, light, lofty, mahogany-countered, +banker-like establishments of modern times, where the +stock-in-trade often consists of books and empty canisters, +but a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty, dingy sort of +cellar above ground, full of hogsheads, casks, flasks, +sugar-loaves, jars, bags, bottles, and boxes.</p> + +<p>The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt, +and was sprinkled with rice, currants, and raisins, as +though they had been scattered for the purpose of growing. +A small corner seemed to have been cut off, like +the fold of a Leicestershire grazing-ground, and made +into an office in the centre of which was a square or +two of glass that commanded a view of the whole warehouse. +"Is Mr. Jorrocks in?" inquired the Yorkshireman +of a porter, who was busy digging currants with a +wooden spade. "Yes, sir, you'll find him in the counting-house," +was the answer; but on looking in, though +his hat and gloves were there, no Jorrocks was visible. +At the farther end of the warehouse a man in his shirt-sleeves, +with a white apron round his waist and a brown +paper cap on his head, was seen under a very melancholy-looking +skylight, holding his head over something, +as if his nose were bleeding. The Yorkshireman groped +his way up to him, and asking if Mr. Jorrocks was in, +found he was addressing the grocer himself. He had +been leaning over a large trayful of little white cups—with +teapots to match—trying the strength, flavour, and +virtue of a large purchase of tea, and the beverage was +all smoking before him. "My vig," exclaimed he, holding +out his hand, "who'd have thought of seeing you +in the city, this is something unkimmon! However, +you're werry welcome in St. Botolph Lane, and as this +is your first wisit, why, I'll make you a present of some +tea—wot do you drink?—black or green, or perhaps +both—four pounds of one and two of t'other. Here, +Joe!" summoning his foreman, "put up four pounds +of that last lot of black that came in, and two pounds +of superior green, and this gentleman will tell you where +to leave it.—And when do you think of starting?" +again addressing the Yorkshireman—"egad this is fine +weather for the country—have half a mind to have a +jaunt myself—makes one quite young—feel as if I'd +laid full fifty years aside, and were again a boy—when +did you say you start?" "Why, I don't know exactly," +replied the Yorkshireman, "the weather's so fine that +I'm half tempted to go round by Newmarket." "Newmarket!" +exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his arm in the +air, while his paper cap fell from his head with the +jerk—"by Newmarket! why, what in the name of all +that's impure, have you to do at Newmarket?"</p> + +<p>"Why, nothing in particular; only, when there's +neither hunting nor shooting going on, what is a man +to do with himself?—I'm sure you'd despise me if I +were to go fishing." "True," observed Mr. Jorrocks +somewhat subdued, and jingling the silver in his +breeches-pocket. "Fox-'unting is indeed the prince of +sports. The image of war, without its guilt, and only half +its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to it—a perfect +wictim—no one knows wot I suffer from my ardour.—If +ever I'm wisited with the last infirmity of noble +minds, it will be caused by my ingovernable passion +for the chase. The sight of a saddle makes me sweat. +An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A red coat throws +me into a scarlet fever. Never throughout life have I +had a good night's rest before an 'unting morning. But +werry little racing does for me; Sadler's Wells is well +enough of a fine summer evening—especially when they +plump the clown over head in the New River cut, and +the ponies don't misbehave in the Circus,—but oh! +Newmarket's a dreadful place, the werry name's a +sickener. I used to hear a vast about it from poor Will +Softly of Friday Street. It was the ruin of him—and +wot a fine business his father left him, both wholesale +and retail, in the tripe and cow-heel line—all went in +two years, and he had nothing to show at the end of +that time for upwards of twenty thousand golden sovereigns, +but a hundredweight of children's lamb's-wool +socks, and warrants for thirteen hogsheads of damaged +sherry in the docks. No, take my adwice, and have +nothing to say to them—stay where you are, or, if +you're short of swag, come to Great Coram Street, +where you shall have a bed, wear-and-tear for your teeth, +and all that sort of thing found you, and, if Saturday's +a fine day, I'll treat you with a jaunt to Margate."</p> + +<p>"You are a regular old trump," said the Yorkshireman, +after listening attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had +exhausted himself, "but, you see, you've never been at +Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing you about +it. I can assure you from personal experience that the +people there are quite as honest as those you meet every +day on 'Change, besides which, there is nothing more +invigorating to the human frame—nothing more cheering +to the spirits, than the sight and air of Newmarket +Heath on a fine fresh spring morning like the present. +The wind seems to go by you at a racing pace, and the +blood canters up and down the veins with the finest +and freest action imaginable. A stranger to the race-course +would feel, and almost instinctively know, what +turf he was treading, and the purpose for which that +turf was intended".</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"There's a magic in the web of it."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock," observed +Mr. Jorrocks interrupting the Yorkshireman, "and would +conwince the devil himself that black is white, but you'll +never make me believe the Newmarket folks are honest, +and as to the fine hair (air) you talk of, there's quite as +good to get on Hampstead Heath, and if it doesn't make +the blood canter up and down your weins, you can +always amuse yourself by watching the donkeys cantering +up and down with the sweet little children—haw! +haw! haw!—But tell me what is there at Newmarket +that should take a man there?" "What is there?" +rejoined the Yorkshireman, "why, there's everything +that makes life desirable and constitutes happiness, in +this world, except hunting. First there is the beautiful, +neat, clean town, with groups of booted professors, +ready for the rapidest march of intellect; then there +are the strings of clothed horses—the finest in the +world—passing indolently at intervals to their exercise,—the +flower of the English aristocracy residing in the +place. You leave the town and stroll to the wide open +heath, where all is brightness and space; the white +rails stand forth against the dear blue sky—the brushing +gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye; crowds +of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud the +heath; you feel elated and long to bound over the well +groomed turf and to try the speed of the careering +wind. All things at Newmarket train the mind to racing. +Life seems on the start, and dull indeed were he who +could rein in his feelings when such inspiring objects +meet together to madden them!"</p> + +<p>"Bravo!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper +cap in the air as the Yorkshireman concluded.—"Bravo!—werry +good indeed! You speak like ten Lord Mayors—never +heard nothing better. Dash my vig, if I won't +go. By Jove, you've done it. Tell me one thing—is +there a good place to feed at?"</p> + +<p>"Capital!" replied the Yorkshireman, "beef, mutton, +cheese, ham, all the delicacies of the season, as the +sailor said"; and thereupon the Yorkshireman and +Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain.</p> + +<p>Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the +"Belle Sauvage," in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy +"Binjimin," with Mr. Jorrocks's carpet-bag; and shortly +after Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter, and the +Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the yard. Having +consigned his horse to Binjimin; after giving him a +very instructive lesson relative to the manner in which +he would chastise him if he heard of his trotting or playing +any tricks with the horse on his way home, Mr. +Jorrocks proceeded to pay the remainder of his fare in +the coach office. The mail was full inside and out, indeed +the book-keeper assured him he could have filled a +dozen more, so anxious ware all London to see the +Riddlesworth run. "Inside," said he, "are you and your +friend, and if it wern't that the night air might give +you cold, Mr. Jorrocks" (for all the book-keepers in +London know him), "I should have liked to have got +you outsides, and I tried to make an exchange with +two black-legs, but they would hear of nothing less +than two guineas a head, which wouldn't do, you know. +Here comes another of your passengers—a great foreign +nobleman, they say—Baron something—though he looks +as much like a foreign pickpocket as anything else."</p> + +<p>"Vich be de voiture?" inquired a tall, gaunt-looking +foreigner, with immense moustache, a high conical hat +with a bright buckle, long, loose, blueish-blackish frock-coat, +very short white waistcoat, baggy brownish striped +trousers, and long-footed Wellington boots, with a sort +of Chinese turn up at the toe. "Vich be de Newmarket +Voiture?" said he, repeating the query, as he entered +the office and deposited a silk umbrella, a camlet cloak, +and a Swiss knapsack on the counter. The porter, +without any attempt at an answer, took his goods and +walked off to the mail, followed closely by the Baron, +and after depositing the cloak inside, so that the Baron +might ride with his "face to the horses," as the saying +is, he turned the knapsack into the hind boot, and +swung himself into the office till it was time to ask for +something for his exertions. Meanwhile the Baron made +a tour of the yard, taking a lesson in English from the +lettering on the various coaches, when, on the hind boot +of one, he deciphered the word Cheapside.—"Ah, Cheapside!" +said he, pulling out his dictionary and turning to +the letter C. "Chaste, chat, chaw,—cheap, dat be it. +Cheap,—to be had at a low price—small value. Ah! I +hev (have) it," said he, stamping and knitting his brows, +"sacré-e-e-e-e nom de Dieu," and the first word being +drawn out to its usual longitude, three strides brought +him and the conclusion of the oath into the office together. +He then opened out upon the book-keeper, in a +tremendous volley of French, English and Hanoverian +oaths, for he was a cross between the first and last +named countries, the purport of which was "dat he +had paid de best price, and he be dem if he vod ride on +de Cheapside of de coach." In vain the clerks and book-keepers +tried to convince him he was wrong in his +interpretation. With the full conviction of a foreigner that +he was about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to +the opposite side of the coach, and the knapsack placed +on the roof. The fourth inside having cast up, the outside +passengers mounted, the insides took their places, +three-pences and sixpences were pulled out for the +porters, the guard twanged his horn, the coachman +turned out his elbow, flourished his whip, caught the +point, cried "All right! sit tight!" and trotted out of +the yard.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each +other, the Baron and old Sam Spring, the betting man, +did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, with his +curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old drab hat +turned up with green, careless neckcloth, flowing robe, +and comical cut? He knew Jorrocks—though—tell it +not in Coram Street, he didn't know his name; but +concluded from the disparity of age between him and +his companion, that Jorrocks was either a shark or a +shark's jackal, and the Yorkshireman a victim. With +due professional delicacy, he contented himself with +scrutinising the latter through his specs. The Baron's +choler having subsided, he was the first to break the +ice of silence. "Foine noight," was the observation, +which was thrown out promiscuously to see who would +take it up. Now Sam Spring, though he came late, had +learned from the porter that there was a Baron in the +coach, and being a great admirer of the nobility, for +whose use he has a code of signals of his own, consisting +of one finger to his hat for a Baron Lord as he calls +them, two for a Viscount, three for an Earl, four for a +Marquis, and the whole hand for a Duke, he immediately +responded with "Yes, my lord," with a fore-finger to +his hat. There is something sweet in the word "Lord" +which finds its way home to the heart of an Englishman. +No sooner did Sam pronounce it, than the Baron became +transformed in Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort +of person, and forthwith he commences ingratiating +himself by offering him a share of a large paper of sandwiches, +which the Baron accepted with the greatest +condescension, eating what he could and stuffing the +remainder into his hat. His lordship was a better hand +at eating than speaking, and the united efforts of the +party could not extract from him the precise purport +of his journey. Sam threw out two or three feasible +offers in the way of bets, but they fell still-born to +the bottom of the coach, and Jorrocks talked to him +about hunting and had the conversation all to himself, +the Baron merely replying with a bow and a stare, +sometimes diversified with, or "I tank you—vare good." +The conversation by degrees resolved itself into a snore, +in which they were all indulging, when the raw morning +air rushed in among them, as a porter with a lanthorn +opened the door and announced their arrival at +Newmarket. Forthwith they turned into the street, and +the outside passengers having descended, they all commenced +straddling, yawning, and stretching their limbs +while the guard and porters sorted their luggage. The +Yorkshireman having an eye to a bed, speedily had +Mr. Jorrocks's luggage and his own on the back of a +porter on its way to the "Rutland Arms," while that +worthy citizen followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment +at the smallness of the place, inquiring if they +were sure they had not stopped at some village by +mistake. Two beds had been ordered for two gentlemen +who could not get two seats by the mail, which fell to +the lot of those who did, and into these our heroes +trundled, having arranged to be called by the early +exercising hour.</p> + +<p>Whether it was from want of his usual night-cap of +brandy and water, or the fatigues of travelling, or what +else, remains unknown, but no sooner was Mr. Jorrocks +left alone with his candle, than all at once he was seized +with a sudden fit of trepidation, on thinking that he should +have been inveigled to such a place as Newmarket, and +the tremor increasing as he pulled four five-pound +bank-notes out of his watch-pocket, besides a vast of +silver and his great gold watch, he was resolved, should +an attempt be made upon his property, to defend it with +his life, and having squeezed the notes into the toe of +his boots, and hid the silver in the wash-hand stand, +he very deliberately put his watch and the poker under +the pillow, and set the heavy chest of drawers with two +stout chairs and a table against the door, after all which +exertions he got into bed and very soon fell sound asleep.</p> + +<p>Most of the inmates of the house were up with the +lark to the early exercises, and the Yorkshireman was as +early as any of them. Having found Mr. Jorrocks's door, +he commenced a loud battery against it without awaking +the grocer; he then tried to open it, but only succeeded +in getting it an inch or two from the post, and after +several holloas of "Jorrocks, my man! Mr. Jorrocks! +Jorrocks, old boy! holloa, Jorrocks!" he succeeded in +extracting the word "Wot?" from the worthy gentleman +as he rolled over in his bed. "Jorrocks!" repeated +the Yorkshireman, "it's time to be up." "Wot?" again +was the answer. "Time to get up. The morning's breaking." +"Let it break," replied he, adding in a mutter, +as he turned over again, "it owes me nothing."</p> + +<p>Entreaties being useless, and a large party being on +the point of setting off, the Yorkshireman joined them, +and spent a couple of hours on the dew-bespangled +heath, during which time they not only criticised the +figure and action of every horse that was out, but got +up tremendous appetites for breakfast. In the meantime +Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and having attired himself +with his usual care, in a smart blue coat with metal +buttons, buff waistcoat, blue stocking-netted tights, and +Hessian boots, he turned into the main street of Newmarket, +where he was lost in astonishment at the insignificance +of the place. But wiser men than Mr. +Jorrocks have been similarly disappointed, for it enters +into the philosophy of few to conceive the fame and +grandeur of Newmarket compressed into the limits of +the petty, outlandish, Icelandish place that bears the +name. "Dash my vig," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he brought +himself to bear upon Rogers's shop-window, "this is +the werry meanest town I ever did see. Pray, sir," +addressing himself to a groomish-looking man in a +brown cut-away coat, drab shorts and continuations, +who had just emerged from the shop with a race list +in his hand, "Pray, sir, be this your principal street?" +The man eyed him with a mixed look of incredulity and +contempt. At length, putting his thumbs into the arm-holes +of his waistcoat, he replied, "I bet a crown you +know as well as I do." "Done," said Mr. Jorrocks holding +out his hand. "No—I won't do that," replied the +man, "but I'll tell you what I'll do with you,—I'll lay +you two to one, in fives or fifties if you like, that you +knew before you axed, and that Thunderbolt don't win +the Riddlesworth." "Really," said Mr. Jorrocks, "I'm +not a betting man." "Then, wot the 'ell business have +you at Newmarket?" was all the answer he got. Disgusted +with such inhospitable impertinence, Mr. Jorrocks +turned on his heel and walked away. Before the "White +Hart" Inn was a smartish pony phaeton, in charge of +a stunted stable lad. "I say, young chap," inquired +Jorrocks, "whose is that?" "How did you know that +I was a young chap?" inquired the abortion turning +round. "Guessed it," replied Jorrocks, chuckling at his +own wit. "Then guess whose it is."</p> + +<p>"Pray, are your clocks here by London time?" he +asked of a respectable elderly-looking man whom he +saw turn out of the entry leading to the Kingston +rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and +then down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his +breeches-pockets, there to stand to see the "world." <a id="footnotetag17" name="footnotetag17"></a><a href="#footnote17"><sup>17</sup></a> +"Come now, old 'un—none o' your tricks here—you've +got a match on against time, I suppose," was all the +answer he could get after the man (old R—n the ex-flagellator) +had surveyed him from head to foot.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote17" name="footnote17"></a><b>Footnote 17:</b><a href="#footnotetag17"> (return) </a> Newmarket or London—it's all the same—"The world" is +but composed of one's own acquaintance.</blockquote> + +<p>We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when +Mr. Jorrocks met the Yorkshireman, he was not in the +best possible humour; indeed, to say nothing of the +extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we know +of no place where a man, not fond of racing, is so +completely out of his element as at Newmarket, for +with the exception of a little "elbow shaking" in the +evening, there is literally and truly nothing else to do. +It is "Heath," "Ditch in," "Abingdon mile," "T.Y.C. +Stakes," "Sweepstakes," "Handicaps," "Bet," "Lay," +"Take," "Odds," "Evens," morning, noon and night.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the +breakfast, and some invidious comparisons between +racing men and fox-hunters, which, however, became +softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the delicacy +of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at length +appeased, he again thought of turning out, to have a +look, as he said, at the shows on the course, but the +appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the window, +put it out of his head, and he sallied forth to join him. +The Baron was evidently incog.: for he had on the same +short dirty-white waistcoat, Chinese boots, and conical +hat, that he travelled down in, and being a stranger in +the land, of course he was uncommonly glad to pick +up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged him a little, called +him a "bon garēon," and a few other endearing terms, +he run his great long arm through his, and walked him +down street, the whole peregrinations of Newmarket +being comprised in the words "up street" and "down." +He then communicated in most unrepresentable language, +that he was on his way to buy "an 'oss," and +Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect connoisseur +in the article, the Baron again assured him of +his distinguished consideration. They were met by Joe +Rogers the trainer with a ring-key in his hand, who led +the way to the stable, and having unlocked a box in +which was a fine slapping four-year old, according to +etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in +one hand, laid hold of the horse's head with the other, +while the lad in attendance stripped off its clothes. The +Baron then turned up his wrists, and making a curious +noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand down +each leg, and along its back, after which he gave it a +thump in the belly and squeezed its throat, when, being +as wise as he was at starting, he stuck his thumb +in his side, and took a mental survey of the whole.—"Ah," +said he at length—"foin 'oss,—foin 'oss; vot ears +he has?" "Oh," said Rogers, "they show breeding." +"Non, non, I say vot ears he has?" "Well, but he carries +them well," was the answer. "Non, non," stamping, "I +say vot ears (years) he has?" "Oh, hang it, I twig—four +years old." Then the Baron took another long look +at him. At length he resumed, "I vill my wet." "What's +that?" inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. "His wet—why, a +drink to be sure," and thereupon Rogers went to the +pump and brought a glass of pure water, which the +Baron refused with becoming indignation. "Non, non," +said he stamping, "I vill my wet." Rogers looked at +Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at Rogers, but neither +Rogers nor Jorrocks understood him. "I vill my wet," +repeated the Baron with vehemence. "He must want +some brandy in it," observed Mr. Jorrocks, judging of +the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent +for three-penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed +it out of his hand with a prolonged sacré-e-e-e—! adding +"I vill von wet-tin-nin-na-ary surgeon." The boy was +dispatched for one, and on his arrival the veterinary +surgeon went through the process that the Baron had +attempted, and not being a man of many words, he +just gave the Baron a nod at the end. "How moch?" +inquked the Baron of Rogers. "Five hundred," was the +answer. "Vot, five hundred livre?" "Oh d——n it, you +may take or leave him, just as you like, but you won't +get him for less." The "vet" explained that the Baron +wished to know whether it was five hundred francs +(French ten-pences), or five hundred guineas English +money, and being informed that it was the latter, he +gave his conical hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted +out of the box.</p> + +<p>But race hour approaches, and people begin to +assemble in groups before the "rooms," while tax-carts, +pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual aristocratical +accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at +intervals into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a +spring-cart, driven by a ploughboy in fustian, there +the Earl of—— on a ten-pound pony, with the girths +elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over +its head, while Miss——, his jockey's daughter, dashes +by him in a phaeton with a powdered footman, and the +postilion in scarlet and leathers, with a badge on his +arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem Bland +draws the yellow phaeton and greys to the gateway of +the "White Hart," to take up his friend Crutch Robinson; +Zac, Jack and another, have just driven on in a fly. +In short, it's a brilliant meeting! Besides four coronetted +carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons-and-pair; +a thing that would have been a phaeton if they'd +have let it; General Grosvenor's dog-carriage, that is to +say, his carriage with a dog upon it; Lady Chesterfield +and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phaeton with an +out-rider (Miss—— will have one next meeting instead +of the powdered footman); Tattersall in his double +carriage driving without bearing-reins; Old Theobald +in leather breeches and a buggy; five Bury butchers +in a tax-cart; Young Dutch Sam on a pony; "Short-odds +Richards" on a long-backed crocodile-looking +rosinante; and no end of pedestrians.</p> + +<p>But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why eating +brawn in the "Rutland Arms" with his friend the Baron, +perfectly unconscious that all these passers-by were not +the daily visables of the place. "Dash my vig," said he, +as he bolted another half of the round, "I see no +symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the honour +to take another glass of sherry." His lordship was +nothing loath, so by mutual entreaties they finished +the bottle, besides a considerable quantity of porter. +A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk punch cart +mare—fresh from the plough—having been considerately +provided by the Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, +with a cob for himself, they proceeded to mount in the +yard, when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that +the Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, +seemed disconcerted, but it was only momentary; for +walking up to the punch mare, and resting his elbow +on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly +vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though +proud of the patronage of a lord, did not exactly comprehend +whether he was in earnest or not, but the +Baron soon let him know; for thrusting his conical +hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks's waist, +and gave the old mare a touch in the flank with the +Chinese boot, crying out—"Along me, brave <i>garēon</i>, +along <i>ma cher</i>," and the owner of the mare living at +Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that direction, +while the Yorkshireman slipped down the town unperceived. +The sherry had done its business on them both; +the Baron, and who, perhaps was the most "cut" of +the two, chaunted the <i>Marsellaise</i> hymn of liberty with +as much freedom as though he were sitting in the saddle. +Thus they proceeded laughing and singing until the +Bury pay-gate arrested their progress, when it occurred +to the steersman to ask if they were going right. "Be +this the vay to Newmarket races?" inquired Jorrocks +of the pike-keeper. The man dived into the small pocket +of his white apron for a ticket and very coolly replied, +"Shell out, old 'un." "How much?" said Jorrocks. +"Tuppence," which having got, he said, "Now, then, +you may turn, for the heath be over yonder," pointing +back, "at least it was there this morning, I know." +After a volley of abuse for his impudence, Mr. Jorrocks, +with some difficulty got the old mare pulled round, for +she had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a +plain snaffle in it; at last, however, with the aid of a +boy to beat her with a furze-bush, they got her set +a-going again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted +"down street," rose the hill, and entered the spacious +wide-extending flat of Newmarket Heath. The races were +going forward on one of the distant courses, and a slight, +insignificant, black streak, swelling into a sort of oblong +(for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), was all +that denoted the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect +of the quiet extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified, +having through life pictured Epsom as a mere drop in +the ocean compared with the countless multitude of +Newmarket, while the Baron, who was wholly indifferent +to the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks pitched over the +mare's head by applying the furze-bush (which he had +got from the boy) to her tail while Mr. Jorrocks was +sitting loosely, contemplating the barrenness of the +prospect. The sherry was still alive, and being all for +fun, he shuffled back into the saddle as soon as the old +mare gave over kicking; and giving a loud tally-ho, +with some minor "hunting noises," which were responded +to by the Baron in notes not capable of being +set to music, and aided by an equally indescribable +accompaniment from the old mare at every application +of the bush, she went off at score over the springy turf, +and bore them triumphantly to the betting-post just +as the ring was in course of formation, a fact which she +announced by a loud neigh on viewing her companion +of the plough, as well as by unpsetting some half-dozen +black-legs as she rushed through the crowd to greet her. +Great was the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing,—for +though the Newmarketites are familiar with +most conveyances, from a pair of horses down to a pair +of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see two +men ride into the ring on the same horse,—certainly +not with such a hat between them as the Baron's.</p> + +<p>The gravest and weightiest matters will not long +distract the attention of a black-leg, and the laughter +having subsided without Jorrocks or the Baron being +in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again +formed; horses' heads again turn towards the post, +while carriages, gigs, and carts form an outer circle. +A solemn silence ensues. The legs are scanning the list. +At length one gives tongue. "What starts? Does Lord +Eldon start?" "No, he don't," replies the owner. "Does +Trick, by Catton?" "Yes, and Conolly rides—but mind, +three pounds over." "Does John Bull?" "No John's +struck out." "Polly Hopkins does, so does Talleyrand, +also O, Fy! out of Penitence; Beagle and Paradox also—and +perhaps Pickpocket."</p> + +<p>Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the +betting-books. The legs and lords look at each other, +but no one likes to lead off. At length a voice is heard +offering to take nine to one he names the winner. "It's +short odds, doing it cautiously. I'll take eight then," +he adds—"sivin!" but no one bites. "What will anyone +lay about Trick, by Catton?" inquires Jem Bland. +"I'll lay three to two again him. I'll take two to one—two +ponies to one, and give you a suv. for laying it." +"Carn't" is the answer. "I'll do it, Jem," cries a voice. +"No, you won't," from Bland, not liking his customer. +Now they are all at it, and what a hubbub there is! +"I'll back the field—I'll lay—I'll take—I'll +bet—ponies—fifties—hundreds—five +hundred to two." "What do +you want, my lord?" "Three to one against Trick, +by Catton." "Carn't afford it—the odds really arn't +that in the ring." "Take two—two hundred to one." +"No." "Crockford, you'll do it for me?" "Yes, my +lord. Twice over if you like. Done, done." "Do it +again?" "No, thank you."</p> + +<p>"Trick, by Catton, don't start!" cries a voice. "Impossible!" +exclaim his backers. "Quite true, I'm just +from the weighing-house, and——told me so himself." +"Shame! shame!" roar those who have backed him, +and "honour—rascals—rogues—thieves—robbery—swindle—turf-ruined"—fly +from tongue to tongue, but +they are all speakers with never a speaker to cry order. +Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on their hacks +with the horses' cloths to the rubbing-house, and the +horses have actually started, and are now visible in +the distance sweeping over the open heath, apparently +without guide or beacon.</p> + +<p>The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's +box, and have just time to range themselves along +the rude stakes and ropes that guard the run in, and +the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony +to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable-lads +to "clear the course," before the horses come flying +towards home. Now all is tremor; hope and fear vacillating +in each breast. Silence stands breathless with +expectation—all eyes are riveted—the horses come +within descrying distance—"beautiful!" three close +together, two behind. "Clear the course! clear the +course! pray clear the course!" "Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" roar a hundred voices as they near. "O, +Fy! O, Fy!" respond an equal number. "The horse! +the horse!" bellow a hundred more, as though their +yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy! +and Talleyrand rush neck-and-neck along the cords +and pass the judge's box. A cry of "dead heat!" is heard. +The bystanders see as suits their books, and immediately +rush to the judge's box, betting, bellowing, roaring, and +yelling the whole way. "What's won? what's won? +what's won?" is vociferated from a hundred voices. +"Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins!" replies +Mr. Clark with judicial dignity. "By how much? by +how much?" "Half a head—half a head," <a id="footnotetag18" name="footnotetag18"></a><a href="#footnote18"><sup>18</sup></a> replies the +same functionary. "What's second?" "O, Fy!" and +so, amid the song of "Pretty, pretty Polly Hopkins," +from the winners, and curses and execrations long, +loud, and deep, from the losers, the scene closes.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote18" name="footnote18"></a><b>Footnote 18:</b><a href="#footnotetag18"> (return) </a> No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head; but we let +the whole passage stand as originally written.—EDITOR.</blockquote> + +<p>The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-house, +while the losing horses are left in the care of their +trainers and stable-boys, who console themselves with +hopes of "better luck next time."</p> + +<p>After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding +is the wheeling of the judge's box, and removal of the +old stakes and ropes to another course on a different +part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few ragged +rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture they bear. +In less than half an hour the same group of anxious +careworn countenances are again turned upon each +other at the betting-post, as though they had never +separated. But see! the noble owner of Trick, by Catton, +is in the crowd, and Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. +"I say, Waggey," cries he (singling out a friend stationed +by his lordship), "had you ought on Trick, by Catton?" +"No, Jem," roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, "I knew +my man too well." "Why now, Waggey, do you know +I wouldn't have done such a thing for the world! no, +not even to have been made a Markiss!" a horse-laugh +follows this denunciation, at which the newly created +marquis bites his livid lips.</p> + +<p>The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, +still sticks to the punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks +steers to the newly formed ring aided by the Baron +and the furze-bush. Here they come upon Sam Spring, +whose boy has just brought his spring-cart to bear upon +the ring formed by the horsemen, and thinking it a pity +a nobleman of any county should be reduced to the +necessity of riding double, very politely offers to take +one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and +forthwith proceeds to make himself quite at home in +it. The chorus again commences, and Jorrocks interrogates +Sam as to the names of the brawlers. "Who be +that?" said he, "offering to bet a thousand to a hundred." +Spring, after eyeing him through his spectacles, +with a grin and a look of suspicion replies, "Come now—come—let's +have no nonsense—you know as well as +I." "Really," replies Mr. Jorrocks most earnestly, "I +don't." "Why, where have you lived all your life?" +"First part of it with my grandmother at Lisson Grove, +afterwards at Camberwell, but now I resides in Great +Coram Street, Russell Square—a werry fashionable +neighbourhood." "Oh, I see," replies Sam, "you are +one of the reg'lar city coves, then—now, what brings +you here?" "Just to say that I have been at Newmarket, +for I'm blowed if ever you catch me here again." "That's +a pity," replied Sam, "for you look like a promising +man—a handsome-bodied chap in the face—don't you +sport any?" "O a vast!—'unt regularly—I'm a member +of the Surrey 'unt—capital one it is too—best in England +by far." "What do you hunt?" inquired Sam. "Foxes, +to be sure." "And are they good eating?" "Come," +replied Jorrocks, "you know, as well as I do, we don't +eat 'em." The dialogue was interrupted by someone +calling to Sam to know what he was backing.</p> + +<p>"The Bedlamite colt, my lord," with a forefinger to +his hat. "Who's that?" inquired Jorrocks. "That's my +Lord L——, a baron-lord—and a very nice one—best +baron-lord I know—always bets with me—that's another +baron-lord next him, and the man next him is a baron-knight, +a stage below a baron-lord—something between +a nobleman and a gentleman." "And who be that +stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and velvet collar +next him, just rubbing his chin with the race card—he'll +be a lord too, I suppose?" "No,—that's Mr. Gully, +as honest a man as ever came here,—that's Crockford +before him. The man on the right is Mr. C——, who +they call the 'cracksman,' because formerly he was a +professional housebreaker, but he has given up that +trade, and turned gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. +This little ugly black-faced chap, that looks for +all the world like a bilious Scotch terrier, has lately come +among us. He was a tramping pedlar—sold worsted +stockings—attended country courses, and occasionally +bet a pair. Now he bets thousands of pounds, and keeps +racehorses. The chaps about him all covered with chains +and rings and brooches, were in the duffing line—sold +brimstoned sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls +for real Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. +Now each has a first-rate house, horses and carriages, +and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, with the +extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cambridge. +He'll bet you a thousand pounds as soon as +look at you."</p> + +<p>"The chap on the right of the post with the red tie, +is the son of an ostler. He commenced betting thousands +with a farthing capital. The man next him, all teeth +and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an Honourable by +birth, but not very honourable in his nature." "But +see," cried Mr. Jorrocks, "Lord—— is talking to the +Cracksman." "To be sure," replies Sam, "that's the +beauty of the turf. The lord and the leg are reduced +to an equality. Take my word for it, if you have a turn +for good society, you should come upon the turf.—I +say, my Lord Duke!" with all five fingers up to his +hat, "I'll lay you three to two on the Bedlamite colt." +"Done, Mr. Spring," replies his Grace, "three ponies +to two." "There!" cried Mr. Spring, turning to Jorrocks, +"didn't I tell you so?" The riot around the post increases. +It is near the moment of starting, and the legs +again become clamorous for what they want. Their +vehemence increases. Each man is <i>in extremis</i>. "They +are off!" cries one. "No, they are not," replies another. +"False start," roars a third. "Now they come!" "No, +they don't!" "Back again." They are off at last, however, +and away they speed over the flat. The horses +come within descrying distance. It's a beautiful race—run +at score the whole way, and only two tailed off +within the cords. Now they set to—whips and spurs +go, legs leap, lords shout, and amid the same scene +of confusion, betting, galloping, cursing, swearing, and +bellowing, the horses rush past the judge's box.</p> + +<p>But we have run our race, and will not fatigue our +readers with repetition. Let us, however, spend the +evening, and then the "Day at Newmarket" will be +done.</p> + +<p>Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, +persuades Mr. Jorrocks to make one of a most agreeable +dinner-party at the "White Hart" on the assurance +of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid for +sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six +o'clock that number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, +the accomplished keeper of an oyster-room and +minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon to take +the chair, supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and +on his left by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames Street, while +the stout, jolly, portly Jerry Hawthorn fills—in the +fullest sense of the word—the vice-chair. Just as the +waiters are removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, +in his conical hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, +all politeness, invites him to join the party. "I tank +you," replies the Baron, "but I have my wet in de +next room." "But bring your wet with you," rejoins +Sam, "we'll all have our wet together after dinner," +thinking the Baron meant his wine.</p> + +<p>The usual inn grace—"For what we are going to +receive, the host expects to be paid",—having been +said with great feeling and earnestness, they all set to +at the victuals, and little conversation passed until the +removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon +his vice, observed that as in all probability there were +gentlemen of different political and other opinions present, +perhaps the best way would be to give a comprehensive +toast, and so get over any debatable ground,—he +therefore proposed to drink in a bumper "The king, +the queen, and all the royal family, the ministry, particularly +the Master of the Horse, the Army, the Navy, +the Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner +they had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord +of the White Hart" (great applause). Song from +Jerry Hawthorn—"The King of the Cannibal Islands".—The +chairman then called upon the company to fill +their glasses to a toast upon which there could be no +difference of opinion. "It was a sport which they all +enjoyed, one that was delightful to the old and to the +young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. +Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, he +had never yet met any man with the hardihood to deny +that racing was at once the noblest and the most legitimate" +(loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that set +all the glasses dancing), "not only was it the noblest +and most legitimate, but it was the most profitable; +and where was the man of high and honourable principle +who did not feel when breathing the pure atmosphere +of that Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought, +that though he might have left those who were near +and dear to him in a less genial atmosphere, still he was +not selfishly enjoying himself, without a thought for +their welfare; for racing, while it brought health and +vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to +the mind of a parent—the means of promoting the +happiness and prosperity of his family—(immense +cheers). With these few observations he should simply +propose 'The Turf,' and may we long be above it"—(applause +and, on the motion of Mr. Spring, three cheers +for Mrs. Badchild and all the little Badchildren were +called for and given). When the noise had subsided. +Mr. Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid whispers +and inquiries as to who he was. "Gentlemen," said he, +with an indignant stare, and a thump on the table, +"Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen from +our worthy chairman, I go-in-sides, save in what he +says about racing—I insists that 'unting is the sport of +sports" (immense laughter, and cries of "wot an old +fool!") "Gentlemen may laugh, but I say it's a fact, +and though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancy +whatsomever, yet I should despise myself most confoundedly—should +consider myself unworthy of the +great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour +to belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for +the chase (laughter).—I say, it's one of the balances of +the constitution (laughter).—I say, it's the sport of +kings! the image of war without its guilt (hisses and +immense laughter). He would fearlessly propose a +bumper toast—he would give them 'fox-hunting.'" +There was some demur about drinking it, but on the +interposition of Sam Spring, who assured the company +that Jorrocks was one of the right sort, and with an +addition proposed by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the +toast more comprehensible, they swallowed it, and the +chairman followed it up with "The Sod",—which was +drunk with great applause. Mr. Cox of Blue Hammerton +returned thanks. "He considered cock-fighting the +finest of all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the +rush between two prime grey-hackles—that was his +colour. The chairman had said a vast for racing, and +to cut the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting +combined all the advantages of making money, +with the additional benefit of not being interfered with +by the weather. He begged to return his best thanks +for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he had +not been taught speaking in his youth, or he would +certainly have convinced them all, that 'cocking' was +the sport." "Coursing" was the next toast—for which +Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. "He was +very fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought, after racing, +coursing was the true thing. He was no orator, and so +he drank off his wine to the health of the company." +"Steeplechasing" followed, for which Mr. Coalman of +St. Albans returned thanks, assuring the company that +it answered his purpose remarkably well. Then the Vice +gave the "Chair," and the Chair gave the "Vice"; and +by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the game of +"Chicken-hazard," observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, +that perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock +purse for the purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. +Jorrocks, with great gravity, replied; "Sir, I'm d——d +if I do."</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="VI" id="VI"></a> +<h3>VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM:<br> +THE CHELTENHAM DANDY</h3> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks had been very poorly indeed of indigestion, +as he calls it, produced by tucking in too much +roast beef and plum pudding at Christmas, and prolonging +the period of his festivities a little beyond the +season allowed by Moore's <i>Almanack</i>, and having in +vain applied the usual remedies prescribed on such +occasions, he at length consented to try the Cheltenham +waters, though altogether opposed to the element, +he not having "astonished his stomach," as he says, +for the last fifteen years with a glass of water.</p> + +<p>Having established himself and the Yorkshireman in +a small private lodging in High Street, consisting of +two bedrooms and a sitting-room, he commenced his +visits to the royal spa, and after a few good drenches, +picked up so rapidly, that to whatever inn they went +to dine, the landlords and waiters were astounded at +the consumption of prog, and in a very short time he +was known from the "Royal Hotel" down to Hurlston's +Commercial Inn, as the great London Cormorant. At +first, however, he was extremely depressed in spirits, +and did nothing the whole day after his arrival, but +talk about the arrangement of his temporal affairs; +and the first symptom he gave of returning health was +one day at dinner at the "Plough," by astonishing two +or three scarlet-coated swells, who as usual were disporting +themselves in the coffee-room, by bellowing to +the waiter for some Talli-ho "sarce" to his fish. Before +this he had never once spoken of his favourite diversion, +and the sportsmen cantered by the window to cover +in the morning, and back in the afternoon, without +eliciting a single observation from him. The morning +after this change for the better, he addressed his companion +at breakfast as follows: "Blow me tight, Mr. +York, if I arn't regularly renowated. I'm as fresh as +an old hat after a shower of rain. I really thinks I shall +get over this terrible illness, for I dreamt of 'unting +last night, and, if you've a mind, we'll go and see my +Lord Segrave's reynard dog, and then start from this +'ere corrupt place, for, you see, it's nothing but a town, +and what's the use of sticking oneself in a little pokey +lodging like this 'ere, where there really is not room to +swing a cat, and paying the deuce knows how much tin, +too, when one has a splendid house in Great Coram +Street going on all the time, with a rigler establishment +of servants and all that sort of thing. Now, you knows, +I doesn't grudge a wisit to Margate, though that's a +town too, but then, you see, one has the sea to look at, +whereas here, it's nothing but a long street with shops, +not so good as those in Red Lion Street, with a few +small streets branching off from it, and as to the prommenard, +as they calls it, aside the spa, with its trees +and garden stuff, why, I'm sure, to my mind, the +Clarence Gardens up by the Regent's Park, are quite +as fine. It's true the doctor says I must remain another +fortnight to perfect the cure, but then them 'ere M.D.'s, +or whatever you calls them, are such rum jockeys, and +I always thinks they say one word for the patient and +two for themselves. Now, my chap said, I must only +take half a bottle o' black strap a day at the werry +most, whereas I have never had less than a whole one—his +half first, as I say, and my own after—and because +I tells him I take a pint, he flatters himself his +treatment is capital, and that he is a wonderful M.D.; +but as a man can't be better than well, I think we'll +just see what there's to be seen in the neighbourhood, +and then cut our sticks, and, as I said before, I should +like werry much to see my Lord Segrave's hounds, in +order that I may judge whether there is anything in +the wide world to be compared to the Surrey, for if I +remember right, Mr. Nimrod described them as werry, +werry fine, indeed."</p> + +<p>Having formed this resolution, Jorrocks stamped on +the floor (for the bell was broken) for the little boy who +did the odd jobs of the house, to bring up his Hessian +boots, into which having thrust his great calves, and +replaced the old brown great-coat which he uses for a +dressing-gown by a superfine Saxony blue, with metal +buttons and pockets outside, he pulled his wig straight, +stuck his white hat with the green flaps knowingly on +his head, and sallied forth for execution as stout a man +as ever. Knowing that the kennel is near the Winchcourt +road, they proceeded in that direction, but after +walking about a mile, came upon a groom on a chestnut +horse, who, returning from the chase, was wetting his +whistle at the appropriate sign of the "Fox and Hounds," +and who informed them that they had passed the turning +for the kennel, but that the hounds were out, and +then in a wood which he pointed out on the hillside +about two miles off, into which they had just brought +their fox. Looking in that direction, they presently +saw the summit of one of the highest of the range of +hills that encircle the town of Cheltenham, covered with +horsemen and pedestrians, who kept moving backwards +and forwards on the "mountain's brow," looking in the +distance more like a flock of sheep than anything else. +Jorrocks, being all right again and up to anything, proposed +a start to the wood, and though he thought they +should hardly reach it before the hounds either killed +their fox or he broke away again, they agreed to take +the chance, and away they went, "best leg first" as the +saying is. The cover (Queen Wood by name, and, as +Jorrocks found out from somebody, the property of +Lord Ellenborough) being much larger than it at first +appeared and the fox but a bad one, they were in lots +of time, and having toiled to the top of the wood, +Jorrocks swaggered in among the horsemen with all +the importance of an alderman. For full an hour after +they got there the hounds kept running in cover, the +fox being repeatedly viewed and the pack continually +pressing him. Once or twice he came out, but after +skirting the cover's edge a few yards turned in again. +Indeed, there were two foxes on foot, one being a three-legged +one, and it was extraordinary how he went and +stood before hounds, going apparently very cautiously +and stopping every now and then to listen. At last a +thundering old grey-backed fellow went away before +the whole field, making for the steep declivities that +lead into the downs, and though the brow of the hill +was covered with foot-people who holloa'd and shouted +enough to turn a lion, he would make his point, and only +altering his course so as to avoid running right among +the mob, he gained the summit of the hill and disappeared. +This hill, being uncommonly steep, was a +breather for hounds that had been running so long as +they had, in a thick cover too, and neither they nor +the horses went at it with any great dash. The fox was +not a fellow to be caught very easily, and nothing but +a good start could have given them any chance, but +the hounds never got well settled to the scent, and +after a fruitless cast his lordship gave it up, and Jorrocks +and Co. trudged back to Cheltenham, J—— highly delighted +at so favourable an opportunity of seeing the +hounds. Indeed, so pleased was he with the turn-out +and the whole thing, that finding from Skinner, one of +the whippers-in, that they met on the following morning +at Purge Down-turnpike, in their best country, +forgetting all about his indigestion and the royal spa, +he went to Newman and Longridge, the horse dealers +and livery stable keepers and engaged a couple of nags +"to look at the hounds upon," as he impressed upon +their minds, which he ordered to be ready at nine o'clock.</p> + +<p>This day he proposed to give the landlord of the +"George Inn," in the High Street, the benefit of his +rapacious appetite, and about five o'clock (his latest +London hour) they sat down to dinner. The "George" +is neither exactly a swell house like the "Royal Hotel" +or the "Plough," nor yet a commercial one, but something +betwixt and between. The coffee-room is very +small, consequently all the frequenters are drawn together, +and if a conversation is started a man must be +deuced unsociable that does not join in the cry.</p> + +<p>As three or four were sitting round the fire chatting +over their tipple, and Jorrocks was telling some of his +best bouncers, the door opened and a waiter bowed a +fresh animal into the cage, who, after eyeing the party, +took off his hat and forthwith proceeded to pull off +divers neckcloths, cloaks, great-coats, muffitees, until +he reduced himself to about half the size he was on +entering. He was a little square-built old man, with +white hair and plenty of it, a long stupid red face with +little pig eyes, a very long awkward body, and very +short legs. He was dressed in a blue coat, buff waistcoat, +a sort of baggy grey or thunder-and-lightning +trousers, over which he had buttoned a pair of long +black gaiters. Having "peeled," he rubbed his hands +and blew upon them, as much as to say, "Now, gentlemen, +won't you let me have a smell of the fire?" and, +accordingly, by a sort of military revolution, they +made a place for him right in the centre.</p> + +<p>"Coldish night I reckon, sir," said Jorrocks, looking +him over.</p> + +<p>"Very cold indeed, very cold indeed," answered he, +rubbing his elbows against his ribs, and stamping with +his feet. "I've just got off the top of the Liverpool +coach, and, I can assure you, it's very cold riding outside +a coach all day long—however, I always say that +it's better than being inside, though, indeed, it's very +little that I trouble coaches at all in the course of the +year—generally travel in my own carriage, only my +family have it with them in Bristol now, where I'm +going to join them; but I'm well used to the elements, +hunting, shooting, and fishing, as I do constantly."</p> + +<p>This later announcement made Jorrocks rouse up, +and finding himself in the company of a sportsman and +one, too, who travelled in his own carriage, he assumed +a different tone and commenced on a fresh tack—"and +pray, may I make bold to inquire what country you +hunts in, sir?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Oh! I live in Cheshire—Mainwaring's country, but +Melton's the place I chiefly hunt at,—know all the +fellows there; rare set of dogs, to be sure,—only country +worth hunting in, to my mind."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Rigler swells, though, the chaps, arn't they? +Recollect one swell of a fellow coming with his upper +lip all over fur into our country, thinking to astonish +our weak minds, but I reckon we told him out.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. What! you hunt, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. A few—you've perhaps heard tell of the +Surrey 'unt?</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Cocktail affair, isn't it?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. No such thing, I assure you. Cocktail indeed! +I likes that.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Well, but it's not what we calls a fast-coach.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. I doesn't know wot you calls a fast-coach, +but if you've a mind to make a match, I'll bet you a +hat, ay, or half a dozen hats, that I'll find a fellow to +take the conceit out o' any your Meltonians.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Oh! I don't doubt but you have some good +men among you; I'm sure I didn't mean anything +offensive, by asking if it was a cocktail affair, but we +Meltonians certainly have a trick, I must confess, of +running every other country down; come, sir, I'll drink +the Surrey hunt with all my heart, said he, swigging +off the remains of a glass of brandy-and-water which +the waiter had brought him shortly after entering.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Thank you, sir, kindly. Waiter, bring me +a bottom o' brandy, cold, without—and don't stint for +quantity, if you please. Doesn't you think these inns +werry expensive places, sir? I doesn't mean this in +particular, but inns in general.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Oh! I don't know, sir. We must expect to +pay. "Live and let live," is my motto. I always pay +my inn bills without looking them over. Just cast my +eyes at the bottom to see the amount, then call for pen +and ink, add so much for waiter, so much for chambermaid, +so much for boots, and if I'm travelling in my +own carriage so much for the ostler for greasing. That's +the way I do business, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Well, sir, a werry pleasant plan too, +especially for the innkeeper—and all werry right for +a gentleman of fortune like you. My motto, however, +is "Waste not, want not," and my wife's father's motto +was "Wilful waste brings woeful want," and I likes to +have my money's worth.—Now, said he, pulling out a +handful of bills, at some places that I go to they charges +me six shillings a day for my dinner, and when I was +ill and couldn't digest nothing but the lightest and +plainest of breakfasts, when a fork breakfast in fact +would have made a stiff 'un of me, and my muffin mill +was almost stopped, they charged me two shillings for +one cake, and sixpence for two eggs.—Now I'm in the +tea trade myself, you must know, and I contend that +as things go, or at least as things went before the Barbarian +eye, as they call Napier, kicked up a row with +the Hong merchants, it's altogether a shameful imposition, +and I wonder people put up with it.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. Oh, sir, I don't know. I think that it is +the charge all over the country. Besides, it doesn't do +to look too closely at these things, and you must allow +something for keeping up the coffee-room, you know—fire, +candles, and so on.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. But blow me tight, you surely don't want +a candle to breakfast by? However, I contends that +innkeepers are great fools for making these sort of +charges, for it makes people get out of their houses as +quick as ever they can, whereas they might be inclined +to stay if they could get things moderate.—For my +part I likes a coffee-room, but having been used to +commercial houses when I travelled, I knows what the +charges ought to be. Now, this room is snug enough +though small, and won't require no great keeping up.</p> + +<p><i>Stranger</i>. No—but this room is smaller than the +generality of them, you know. They frequently have +two fires in them, besides no end of oil burning.—I +know the expense of these things, for I have a very +large house in the country, and rely upon it, innkeepers +have not such immense profits as many people imagines—but, +as I said before, "live and let live."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. So says I, "live and let live"—but wot I +complains of is, that some innkeepers charge so much +that they won't let people live. No man is fonder of +eating than myself, but I don't like to pay by the +mouthful, or yet to drink tea at so much a thimbleful. By +the way, Sar, if you are not previously engaged, I should +be werry happy to supply you with red Mocho or best +Twankay at a very reasonable figure indeed for cash?</p> + +<p><i>Stranger.</i> Thank you, sir, thank you. Those are things +I never interfere with—leave all these things to my +people. My housekeeper sends me in her book every +quarter day, with an account of what she pays. I just +look at the amount—add so much for wages, and write +a cheque—"live and let live!" say I. However, added +he, pulling out his watch, and ringing the bell for the +chambermaid, "I hate to get up very early, so I think +it is time to go to bed, and I wish you a very good night, +gentlemen all."</p> + +<p>Jorrocks gets up, advances half-way to the door, +makes him one of his most obsequious bows, and +wishes him a werry good night. Having heard him tramp +upstairs and safely deposited in his bedroom, they +pulled their chairs together again, and making a smaller +circle round the fire, proceeded to canvass their departed +friend. Jorrocks began—"I say, wot a regular +swell the chap is—a Meltonian, too.—I wonders who +the deuce he is. Wish Mr. Nimrod was among us, he +could tell us all about him, I dare say. I'm blowed if +I didn't take him for a commercial gentleman at first, +until he spoke about his carriages. I likes to see gentlemen +of fortune making themselves sociable by coming +into the coffee-room, instead of sticking themselves up +in private sitting-rooms, as if nobody was good enough +for them. You know Melton, Mr. York; did you ever +see the gentleman out?"</p> + +<p>"I can't say that I ever did," said his friend, "but +people look so different in their red coats to what they +do in mufti, that there's no such thing as recognising +them unless you had a previous acquaintance with them. +The fields in Leicestershire are sometimes so large that +it requires a residence to get anything like a general +knowledge of the hunt, and, you know, Northamptonshire's +the country for my money, after Surrey, of +course."</p> + +<p>"I don't think he is a gentleman," observed a thin +sallow-complexioned young man, who, sitting on one +side of the fire, had watched the stranger very narrowly +without joining in the conversation. "He gives me more +the idea of a gentleman's servant, acting the part of +master, than anything else."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Oh! he is a gentleman, I'm sure—besides, +a servant wouldn't travel in a carriage you know, and +he talked about greasing the wheels and all that sort +of thing, which showed he was familiar with the thing.</p> + +<p>"That's very true," replied the youth—"but a servant +may travel in the rumble and pay for greasing +the wheels all the same, or perhaps have to grease them +himself."</p> + +<p>"Well, I should say he's a foolish purse-proud sort +of fellow," observed another, "who has come into money +unexpectedly, and who likes to be the cock of his party, +and show off a little."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> I'll be bound to say you're all wrong—you +are not fox-hunters, you see, or you would know that +that is a way the sportsmen have—we always make +ourselves at home and agreeable—have a word for +everybody in fact, and no reserve; besides, you see, +there was nothing gammonacious, as I calls it, about +his toggery, no round-cut coats with sporting buttons, +or coaches and four, or foxes for pins in his shirt.</p> + +<p>"I don't care for that," replied the sallow youth, +"dress him as you will, court suit, bag wig, and sword, +you'll make nothing better of him—he's a SNOB."</p> + +<p>Jorrocks, getting up, runs to the table on which the +hats were standing, saying, "I wonder if he's left his +castor behind him? I've always found a man's hat will +tell a good deal. This is yours, Mr. York, with the loop +to it, and here's mine—I always writes Golgotha in +mine, which being interpreted, you know, means the +place of a skull. These are yours, I presume, gentlemen?" +said he, taking up two others. "Confound him, +he's taken his tile with him—however, I'm quite positive +he's a gentleman—lay you a hat apiece all round he is, +if you like!"</p> + +<p>"But how are we to prove it?" inquired the youth.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Call in the waiter.</p> + +<p><i>Youth.</i> He may know nothing about him, and a +waiter's gentleman is always the man who pays him +most.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Trust the waiter for knowing something +about him, and if he doesn't, why, it's only to send a +purlite message upstairs, saying that two gentlemen in +the coffee-room have bet a trifle that he is some nobleman—Lord +Maryborough, for instance,—he's a little +chap—but we must make haste, or the gentleman will +be asleep.</p> + +<p>"Well, then, I'll take your bet of a hat," replied the +youth, "that he is not what I call a gentleman."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> I don't know what you calls a gentleman. +I'll lay you a hat, a guinea one, either white or black, +whichever you like, but none o' your dog hairs or +gossamers, mind—that he's a man of dibs, and doesn't +follow no trade or calling, and if that isn't a gentleman, +I don't know wot is. What say you, Mr. York?</p> + +<p>"Suppose we put it thus—You bet this gentleman a +hat that he's a Meltonian, which will comprise all the +rest."</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Werry well put. Do you take me, sir? A +guinea hat against a guinea hat.</p> + +<p>"I do," said the youth.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Then DONE—now ring the bell for the +waiter—I'll pump him.</p> + +<p><i>Enter waiter.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Snuff them candles, if you please, and bring +me another bottom o' brandy-cold, without—and, +waiter! here, pray who is that gentleman that came in +by the Liverpool coach to-night? The little gentleman +in long black gaiters who sat in this chair, you know, +and had some brandy-and-water.</p> + +<p><i>Waiter.</i> I know who you mean, sir, quite well, the +gentleman who's gone to bed. Let me see, what's his +name? He keeps that large Hotel in—— Street, +Liverpool—what's the—Here an immense burst +of laughter drowned the remainder of the sentence.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks rose in a rage. "No! you double-distilled +blockhead," said he, "no such thing—you're thinking +of someone else. The gentleman hunts at Melton Mowbray, +and travels in his own carriage."</p> + +<p><i>Waiter</i>. I don't know nothing about Melton Mowbray, +sir, but the last time he came through here on his road +to Bristol, he was in one of his own rattle-trap yellows, +and had such a load—his wife, a nurse, and eight children +inside; himself, his son, and an apple-tree on the dickey—that +the horses knocked up half-way and...</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Say no more—say no more—d——n his teeth +and toe-nails—and that's swearing—a thing I never do +but on the most outrageous occasions. Confounded +humbug, I'll be upsides with him, however. Waiter, +bring the bill and no more brandy. Never was so done +in all my life—a gammonacious fellow! "There, sir, +there's your one pound one," said he, handing a sovereign +and a shilling to the winner of the hat. "Give me my +tile, and let's mizzle.—Waiter, I can't wait; must bring +the bill up to my lodgings in the morning if it isn't ready.—Come +away, come away—I shall never get over this +as long as ever I live. 'Live and let live,' indeed! no +wonder he stuck up for the innkeepers—a publican and +a sinner as he is. Good night, gentlemen, good night."</p> + +<p><i>Exit Jorrocks</i>.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="VII" id="VII"></a> +<h3>VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT +MARGATE</h3> + +<p>The shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, +and footmen in red plush breeches objects of real commiseration, +when Mr. Jorrocks, tired of the heat and +"ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved upon undertaking +an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is "his +custom always in the afternoon," in the arbour at the +farther end of his gravel walk, which he dignifies by +the name of "garden," and had just finished a rough +mental calculation, as to whether he could eat more +bread spread with jam or honey, when the idea of the +jaunt entered his imagination. Being a man of great +decision, he speedily winnowed the project over in his +mind, and producing a five-pound note from the fob +of his small clothes, passed it in review between his +fingers, rubbed out the creases, held it up to the light, +refolded and restored it to his fob. "Batsay," cried he, +"bring my castor—the white one as hangs next the +blue cloak;" and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, +white hat was transferred from the peg to +Mr. Jorrocks's head. This done, he proceeded to the +"Piazza," where he found the Yorkshireman exercising +himself up and down the spacious coffee-room, and, +grasping his hand with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith +began unburthening himself of the object of his +mission. "'Ow are you?" said he, shaking his arm like +the handle of a pump. "'Ow are you, I say?—I'm so +delighted to see you, ye carn't think—isn't this charming +weather! It makes me feel like a butterfly—really +think the 'air is sprouting under my vig." Here he took +off his wig and rubbed his hand over his bald head, as +though he were feeling for the shoots.</p> + +<p>"Now to business—Mrs. J—— is away at Tooting, +as you perhaps knows, and I'm all alone in Great Coram +Street, with the key of the cellar, larder, and all that +sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be off on +a jaunt—what say you?" "Not the slightest objection," +replied the Yorkshireman, "on the old principle of you +finding cash, and me finding company." "Why, now +I'll tell you, werry honestly, that I should greatly prefer +your paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a +mind to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a +five-pound note and whatever silver I have in my +pocket," pulling out a great handful as he spoke, and +counting up thirty-two and sixpence. "Very good," +replied the Yorkshireman when he had finished, "I'm +your man;—and not to be behindhand in point of +liberality, I've got threepence that I received in change +at the cigar divan just now, which I will add to the +common stock, so that we shall have six pounds twelve +and ninepence between us." "Between us!" exclaimed +Mr. Jorrocks, "now that's so like a Yorkshireman. I +declare you Northerns seem to think all the world are +asleep except yourselves;—howsomever, I von't quarrel +with you—you're a goodish sort of chap in your way, +and so long as I keep the swag, we carn't get far +wrong. Well, then, to-morrow at two we'll start for +Margate—the most delightful place in all the world, +where we will have a rare jollification, and can stay just +as long as the money holds out. So now good-bye—I'm +off home again to see about wittles for the woyage."</p> + +<p>It were almost superfluous to mention that the following +day was a Saturday—for no discreet citizen would +think of leaving town on any other. It dawned with +uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram Street +and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn with more +than their wonted energy. Never, save on a hunting +morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about in bed with +such restless anxiety as cock after cock took up the +crow in every gradation of noise from the shrill note +of the free street-scouring chanticleer before the door, +to the faint response of the cooped and prisoned victims +of the neighbouring poulterer's, their efforts being aided +by the flutterings and impertinent chirruping of swarms +of town-bred sparrows.</p> + +<p>At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's +door, and, depositing his can of shaving-water on his +dressing-table, took away his coat and waistcoat, under +pretence of brushing them, but in reality to feel if he +had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr. +Jorrocks threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded upon +the floor with a bump that shook his own and adjoining +houses. On this day a few extra minutes were devoted +to his toilet, one or two of which were expended +in adjusting a gold foxhead pin in a conspicuous part +of his white tie, and in drawing on a pair of new dark +blue stocking-net pantaloons, made so excessively tight, +that at starting, any of his Newmarket friends would +have laid three to two against his ever getting into +them at all. When on, however, they fully developed +the substantial proportions of his well-rounded limbs, +while his large tasselled Hessians showed that the bootmaker +had been instructed to make a pair for a "great +calf." A blue coat, with metal buttons, ample laps, and +pockets outside, with a handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, +formed his costume on this occasion. Breakfast +being over, he repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to +see his letters and look after his commercial affairs; in +which the reader not being interested, we will allow +the Yorkshireman to figure a little.</p> + +<p>About half-past one this enterprising young man +placed himself in Tommy Sly's wherry at the foot of +the Savoy stairs, and not agreeing in opinion with +Mr. Jorrocks that it is of "no use keeping a dog and +barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row himself +down to London Bridge. At the wharf below the +bridge there lay a magnificent steamer, painted pea-green +and white, with flags flying from her masts, and +the deck swarming with smart bonnets and bodices. Her +name was the <i>Royal Adelaide</i>, from which the sagacious +reader will infer that this excursion was made during +the late reign. The Yorkshireman and Tommy Sly having +wormed their way among the boats, were at length +brought up within one of the vessels, and after lying +on their oars a few seconds, they were attracted by, +"Now, sir, are you going to sleep there?" addressed to +a rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and on +looking up on deck what a sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's +astonished vision!—Mr. Jorrocks, with his +coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or turban, with a +broad gold band and tassel, on his head, hoisting a great +hamper out of the wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, +and treating the laughter and jeers of the porters and +bystanders with ineffable contempt. At length he placed +the load to his liking, and putting on his coat, adjusted +his hunting telescope, and advanced to the side, as the +Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder and came upon +deck. "Werry near being over late," said he, pulling +out his watch, just at which moment the last bell rang, +and a few strokes of the paddles sent the vessel away +from the quay. "A miss is as good as a mile," replied +the Yorkshireman; "but pray what have you got in +the hamper?"</p> + +<p>"In the 'amper! Why, wittles to be sure. You seem +to forget we are going a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea +hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, half a ham, beef, +sarsingers, chickens, sherry white, and all that sort of +thing, and werry acceptable they'll be by the time we +get to the Nore, or may be before."</p> + +<p>"Ease her! Stop her!" cried the captain through his +trumpet, just as the vessel was getting into her stride +in mid-stream, and, with true curiosity, the passengers +flocked to the side, to see who was coming, though +they could not possibly have examined half they had +on board. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behindhand +in inquisitiveness, and proceeded to adjust his telescope. +A wherry was seen rowing among the craft, containing +the boatman, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, +with a bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. +"By jingo, here's Jemmy Green!" exclaimed Mr. +Jorrocks, taking his telescope from his eye, and giving +his thigh a hearty slap. "How unkimmon lucky! The +werry man of all others I should most like to see. You +know James Green, don't you?" addressing the Yorkshireman—"young +James Green, junior, of Tooley +Street—everybody knows him—most agreeable young +man in Christendom—fine warbler—beautiful dancer—everything +that a young man should be."</p> + +<p>"How are you James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing him +by the hand as his friend stepped upon deck; but +whether it was the nervousness occasioned by the rocking +of the wherry, or the shaking of the step-ladder +up the side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's new turban +cap, but Mr. Green, with an old-maidish reserve, drew +back from the proffered embrace of his friend. "You +have the adwantage of me, sir," said he, fidgeting back +as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks with unmeasured +surprise—"Yet stay—if I'm not deceived it's Mr. +Jorrocks—so it is!" and thereupon they joined hands +most cordially, amid exclamations of, "'Ow are you, +J——?" '"Ow are you, G——?" "'Ow are you, J——?" +"So glad to see you, J——" "So glad to see you, G——" +"So glad to see you, J——" "And pray what may you +have in your basket?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting +his hand to the bottom of a neat little green-and-white +willow woman's basket, apparently for the purpose of +ascertaining its weight. "Only my clothes, and a little +prowision for the woyage. A baked pigeon, some cold +maccaroni, and a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom +are my Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor +in t'other; then comes the prog, and at the top, I've +a dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. I abominates +travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the use +of carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers always prowide +them, without extra charge? The same with regard +to soap. Shave, I say, with what you find in your tray. +A wet towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a pen-knife +both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll +present your friend to me," added he in the same breath, +with a glance at the Yorkshireman, upon whose arm +Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope hand. "Much +pleasure," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity. +"Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. +Green, Mr. Stubbs: now pray shake hands," added he, +"for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each other"; and +thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronising manner, +extended his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman, who +presented him with one in return. For the information +of such of our readers as may never have seen Mr. +James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley Street, +Southwark, where the patronymic name abounds, or +at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he generally exhibits on +a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that though a +little man in stature, he is a great man in mind and a +great swell in costume. On the present occasion, as +already stated, he had on a woolly white hat, his usual +pea-green coat, with a fine, false, four-frilled front to +his shirt, embroidered, plaited, and puckered, like a +lady's habit-shirt. Down the front were three or four +different sorts of studs, and a butterfly brooch, made of +various coloured glasses, sat in the centre. His cravat +was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, confining +gills sharp and pointed that looked up his nostrils; his +double-breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan +with blue glass post-boy buttons; and his trousers, which +were very wide and cut out over the foot of rusty-black +chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a broad blue stripe +upon a white ground. A curly, bushy, sandy-coloured +wig protruded from the sides of his woolly white hat, +and shaded a vacant countenance, which formed the +frontispiece of a great chuckle head. Sky-blue gloves and +a stout cane, with large tassels, completed the rigging +of this borough dandy. Altogether he was as fine as any +peacock, and as vain as the proudest.</p> + +<p>"And 'ow is Mrs. J——?" inquired Green with the +utmost affability—"I hopes she's uncommon well—pray, +is she of your party?" looking round. "Why, +no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "she's off at Tooting at her +mother's, and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five-pound +at Margate this delightful weather. 'Ow long do +you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday morning—I goes +every Saturday; in fact," added he in an undertone, +"I've a season ticket, so I may just as well use it, as +stay poking in Tooley Street with the old folks, who +really are so uncommon glumpy, that it's quite refreshing +to get away from them."</p> + +<p>"That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of +his benevolent looks. "But 'ow comes it, James, you +are not married? You are not a bouy now, and should +be looking out for a home of your own." "True, my +dear J——, true," replied Mr. Green; "and I'll tell +you wot, our principal book-keeper and I have made +many calculations on the subject, and being a man of +literature like yourself, he gave it as his opinion the +last time we talked the matter over, that it would only +be avoiding Silly and running into Crab-beds; which I +presume means Quod or the Bench. Unless he can have +a wife 'made to order,' he says he'll never wed. Besides, +the women are such a bothersome encroaching set. I +declare I'm so pestered with them that I don't know +vich vay to turn. They are always tormenting of me. +Only last week one sent me a specification of what she'd +marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to +more than I have to find myself in clothes, ball-and +concert-tickets, keep an 'oss, go to theatres, buy lozenges, +letter-paper, and everything else with. There were bumbazeens, +and challies, and merinos, and crape, and +gauze, and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, shoes, +boots, rigids, stays, ringlets; and, would you believe +it, she had the unspeakable audacity to include a bustle! +It was the most monstrous specification and proposal +I ever read, and I returned it by the twopenny post, +axing her if she hadn't forgotten to include a set of +false teeth. Still, I confess, I'm tired of Tooley Street. +I feel that I have a soul above hemp, and was intended +for a brighter sphere; but vot can one do, cooped up +at home without men of henergy for companions? No +prospect of improvement either; for I left our old gentleman +alarmingly well just now, pulling about the flax +and tow, as though his dinner depended upon his exertions. +I think if the women would let me alone, I might +have some chance, but it worries a man of sensibility and +refinement to have them always tormenting of one.—I've +no objection to be led, but, dash my buttons, I +von't be driven." "Certainly not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, +with great gravity, jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. +"It's an old saying, James, and times proves +it true, that you may take an 'oss to the water but you +carn't make him drink—and talking of 'osses, pray, +how are you off in that line?" "Oh, werry well—uncommon, +I may say—a thoroughbred, bang tail down to +the hocks, by Phantom, out of Baron Munchausen's dam—gave +a hatful of money for him at Tatts'.—five fives—a +deal of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I +assure you—bright bay with four black legs, and never +a white hair upon him. He's touched in the vind, but +that's nothing—I'm not a fox-hunter, you know, Mr. +Jorrocks; besides, I find the music he makes werry +useful in the streets, as a warning to the old happle +women to get out of the way. Pray, sir," turning to the +Yorkshireman with a jerk, "do you dance?"—as the +boat band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long +horn, and a short horn, struck up a quadrille,—and, +without waiting for a reply, our hero sidled past, and +glided among the crowd that covered the deck.</p> + +<p>"A fine young man, James," observed Mr. Jorrocks, +eyeing Jemmy as he elbowed his way down the boat—"fine +young man—wants a little of his father's +ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young +shoulders. He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr. Jorrocks, +putting his arm through the Yorkshireman's, "let's go +and see him foot it." Having worked their way down, +they at length got near the dancers, and mounting a +ballast box had a fine view of the quadrille. There were +eight or ten couple at work, and Jemmy had chosen a +fat, dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright orange-coloured +muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, and +green boots—a sort of walking sunflower, with whom +he was pointing his toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting +with great energy and agility. His male <i>vis-ą-vis</i> +was a waistcoatless young Daniel Lambert, in white +ducks, and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his +mouth, who with a damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and +fro in humble imitation. "Green for ever!" cried Mr. +Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving it encouragingly +over his head: "Green for ever! Go it Green!" +and, accordingly, Green went it with redoubled vigour. +"Wiggins for ever!" responded a female voice opposite, +"I say, Wiggins!" which was followed by a loud clapping +of hands, as the fat gentleman made an astonishing step. +Each had his admiring applauders, though Wiggins +"had the call" among the ladies—the opposition voice +that put him in nomination proceeding from the mother +of his partner, who, like her daughter, was a sort of +walking pattern book. The spirit of emulation lasted +throughout the quadrille, after which, sunflower in hand, +Green traversed the deck to receive the compliments +of the company.</p> + +<p>"You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks, with +great politeness to the lady, "after all your exertions," +as the latter stood mopping herself with a coarse linen +handkerchief—"pray, James, bring your partner to +our 'amper, and let me offer her some refreshment," +which was one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, +the sea breeze having made Mr. Jorrocks what he +called "unkimmon peckish." The hamper was speedily +opened, the knuckle of veal, the half ham, the aitch +bone of beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury +Lane), the chickens, and some dozen or two of plovers' +eggs were exhibited, while Green, with disinterested +generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold maccaroni +to the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily +commenced, and was kept up, with occasional interruptions +by Green running away to dance, until they hove +in sight of Herne Bay, which caused an interruption to +a very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks +was in the act of delivering, which went to prove that +port and sherry were the parents of all wines, port the +father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas, +hock, Burgundy, claret, Teneriffe, Madeira, were made +by the addition of water, vinegar, and a few chemical +ingredients, and that of all "humbugs," pale sherry was +the greatest, being neither more nor less than brown +sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to work to pack +up the leavings in the hamper, observing as he proceeded, +that wilful waste brought woeful want, and that +"waste not, want not," had ever been the motto of the +Jorrocks family.</p> + +<p>It was nearly eight o'clock ere the <i>Royal Adelaide</i> +touched the point of the far-famed Margate Jetty, a +fact that was announced as well by the usual bump, and +scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band striking +up <i>God save the King</i>, and the mate demanding the +tickets of the passengers. The sun had just dropped +beneath the horizon, and the gas-lights of the town +had been considerately lighted to show him to bed, for +the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light.</p> + +<p>Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having +arrived before, the whole place was in commotion, +and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious +to watch this last disembarkation as they had been +to see the first. By a salutary regulation of the sages +who watch over the interests of the town, "all manner +of persons," are prohibited from walking upon the jetty +during this ceremony, but the platform of which it is +composed being very low, those who stand on the beach +outside the rails, are just about on a right level to shoot +their impudence cleverly into the ears of the new-comers +who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, +laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of +wit and satire upon them as they pass. "There's leetle +Jemmy Green again!" exclaimed a nursery-maid with +two fat, ruddy children in her arms, "he's a beauty +without paint!" "Hallo, Jorrocks, my hearty! lend us +your hand," cried a brother member of the Surrey Hunt. +Then there was a pointing of fingers and cries of "That's +Jorrocks! that's Green!" "That's Green! that's Jorrocks!" +and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of +"There's Simpkins! how pretty he is!" "But there's +Wiggins, who's much nicer." "My eye, what a cauliflower +hat Mrs. Thompson's got!" "What a buck young +Snooks is!" "What gummy legs that girl in green has!" +"Miss Trotter's bustle's on crooked!" from the young +ladies at Miss Trimmer's seminary who were drawn up +to show the numerical strength of the academy, and +act the part of walking advertisements. These observations +were speedily drowned by the lusty lungs of a +flyman bellowing out, as Green passed, "Hallo! my +young brockley-sprout, are you here again?—now then +for the tizzy you owe me,—I have been waiting here +for it ever since last Monday morning." This salute +produced an irate look and a shake of his cane from +Green, with a mutter of something about "imperance," +and a wish that he had his big fighting foreman there +to thrash him. When they got to the gate at the end, +the tide of fashion became obstructed by the kissings +of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and +sons, the officiousness of porters, the cries of flymen, the +importunities of innkeepers, the cards of bathing-women, +the salutations of donkey drivers, the programmes +of librarians, and the rush and push of the +inquisitive; and the waters of "comers" and "stayers" +mingled in one common flood of indescribable confusion.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his +way with persevering resignation, here found himself +so beset with friends all anxious to wring his digits, that, +fearful of losing either his bed or his friends, he besought +Green to step on to the "White Hart" and see about +accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his fingers +through the bushy sides of his yellow wig, jerked up +his gills, and with a <i>négligé</i> air strutted up to that inn, +which, as all frequenters of Margate know, stands near +the landing-place, and commands a fine view of the +harbour. Mr. Creed, the landlord, was airing himself +at the door, or, as Shakespeare has it, "taking his ease +at his inn," and knowing Green of old to be a most unprofitable +customer, he did not trouble to move his +position farther than just to draw up one leg so as not +wholly to obstruct the passage, and looked at him as +much as to say "I prefer your room to your company." +"Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating Green's +question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling up +his gills—"that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks has +come down with myself and a friend, and we want +accommodation." "Mr. Jorrocks, indeed!" replied Mr. +Creed, altering his tone and manner; "I'm sure I shall +be delighted to receive Mr. Jorrocks—he's one of the +oldest customers I have—and one of the best—none +of your 'glass of water and toothpick' gentleman—real +downright, black-strap man, likes it hot and strong +from the wood—always pays like a gentleman—never +fights about three-pences, like some people I know," +looking at Jemmy. "Pray, what rooms may you require?" +"Vy, there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. +Jorrocks's other friend—three in all, and we shall want +three good, hairy bedrooms." "Well, I don't know," +replied Mr. Creed, laughing, "about their hairiness, but +I can rub them with bear's grease for you." Jemmy +pulled up his gills and was about to reply, when Mr. +Jorrocks's appearance interrupted the dialogue. Mr. +Creed advanced to receive him, blowing up his porters +for not having been down to carry up the hamper, which +he took himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protestations +of his delight at seeing his worthy visitor.</p> + +<p>Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those +that were there, those that were not, and those that +were coming, and adverted to the important topic of +supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white +spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian +boots, while Mr. Creed, with his own hands, rubbed +him over with a long billiard-table brush. Green, too, +put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, +and these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied +forth arm-in-arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. +It was a fine, balmy summer evening, the beetles and +moths still buzzed and flickered in the air, and the sea +rippled against the shingly shore, with a low indistinct +murmur that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of +men. The shades of night were drawing on—a slight +mist hung about the hills, and a silvery moon shed a +broad brilliant ray upon the quivering waters "of the +dark blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse +of the troubled town. How strange that man should +leave the quiet scenes of nature, to mix in myriads of +those they profess to quit cities to avoid! One turn to +the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew back +the party like moths to the streets, which were literally +swarming with the population. "Cheapside, at three +o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. Jorrocks observed, +was never fuller than Margate streets that evening. All +was lighted up—all brilliant and all gay—care seemed +banished from every countenance, and pretty faces +and smart gowns reigned in its stead. Mr. Jorrocks +met with friends and acquaintances at every turn, most +of whom asked "when he came?" and "when he was +going away?" Having perambulated the streets, the +sound of music attracted Jemmy Green's attention, and +our party turned into a long, crowded and brilliantly +lighted bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel-organ +at the far end faded away, and a young woman in a +hat and feathers, with a swan's-down muff and tippet, +was handed by a very smart young man in dirty white +Berlin gloves, and an equally soiled white waistcoat, +into a sort of orchestra above where, after the plaudits +of the company had subsided, she struck-up:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>At the conclusion of the song, and before the company +had time to disperse, the same smart young +gentleman,—having rehanded the young lady from the +orchestra and pocketed his gloves,—ran his fingers +through his hair, and announced from that eminence, +that the spirited proprietors of the Bazaar were then +going to offer for public competition in the enterprising +shape of a raffle, in tickets, at one shilling each, a most +magnificently genteel, rosewood, general perfume box +fitted up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, +adorned with cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, +massive, silver name-plate at the top, with a best patent +Bramah lock and six chaste and beautifully rich cut-glass +bottles, and a plate-glass mirror at the top—a +box so splendidly perfect, so beautifully unique, as alike +to defy the powers of praise and the critiques of the +envious; and thereupon he produced a flashy sort of +thing that might be worth three and sixpence, for which +he modestly required ten subscribers, at a shilling each, +adding, "that even with that number the proprietors +would incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but +a boundless sense of gratitude for favours past could +possibly recompense them." The youth's eloquence and +the glitter of the box reflecting, as it did at every turn, +the gas-lights both in its steel and glass, had the desired +effect—shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, +until only three remained. "Four, five, and ten, are the +only numbers now remaining," observed the youth, running +his eye up the list and wetting his pencil in his mouth. +"Four, five and ten! ten, four, five! five, four, ten! are +the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel +and magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red +velvet, cut-steel clasps, a silver plate for the name, best +patent Bramah lock, and six beautiful rich cut-glass +bottles, with a plate glass mirror in the lid—and only +four, five, and ten now vacant!" "I'll take ten," said +Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you, sir—only +four and five now wanting, ladies and gentlemen—pray, +be in time—pray, be in time! This is without exception +the most brilliant prize ever offered for public competition. +There were only two of these werry elegant boxes +made,—the unfortunate mechanic who executed them +being carried off by that terrible malady, the cholera +morbus,—and the other is now in the possession of his +most Christian Majesty the King of the French. Only +four and five wanting to commence throwing for this +really perfect specimen of human ingenuity—only four +and five!" "I'll take them," cried Green, throwing down +two shillings more—and then the table was cleared—the +dice box produced, and the crowd drew round. +"Number one!—who holds number one?" inquired the +keeper, arranging the paper, and sucking the end of +his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket and white +trousers owned the lot, and, accordingly, led off the +game. The lottery-keeper handed the box, and put in +the dice—rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, +and lift up—"seven and four are eleven"—"now again, +if you please, sir," putting the dice into the box—rattle, +rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up—a +loud laugh—"one and two make three"—the youth +bit his lips;—rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, +rattle, plop—a pause—and lift up—"threes!"—"six, +three, and eleven, are twenty." "Now who holds +number two?—what lady or gentleman holds number +two? Pray, step forward!" The Sunflower drew near—Green +looked confused—she fixed her eye upon him, +half in fear, half in entreaty—would he offer to throw +for her? No, by Jove, Green was not so green as all +that came to, and he let her shake herself. She threw +twenty-two, thereby putting an extinguisher on the boy, +and raising Jemmy's chance considerably. "Three" was +held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would +throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough +to be heard at Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and, +beginning to cry immediately, was taken home. Green +was next, and all eyes turned upon him, for he was a +noted hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, +and, turning back the wrists of his coat, exhibited +his beautiful sparkling paste shirt buttons, and the +elegant turn of his taper hand, the middle finger of +which was covered with massive rings. He took the +box in a <i>négligé</i> manner, and without condescending +to shake it, slid the dice out upon the table by a gentle +sideway motion—"sixes!" cried all, and down the +marker put twelve. At the second throw, he adopted +another mode. As soon as the dice were in, he just +chucked them up in the air like as many halfpence, +and down they came five and six—"eleven," said the +marker. With a look of triumph Green held the box +for the third time, which he just turned upside down, +and lo, on uncovering, there stood two—"ones!" A +loud laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm +so glad!" whispered a young lady, who had made an +unsuccessful "set" at Jemmy the previous season, in +a tone loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll lose," +rejoined a female friend, rather louder. "That Jemmy +Green is my absolute abhorrence," observed a third. +"'Orrible man, with his nasty vig," observed the mamma +of the first speaker—"shouldn't have my darter not at +no price." Green, however, headed the poll, having beat +the Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. For +number five, he threw twenty-five, and was immediately +outstripped, amid much laughter and clapping of hands +from the ladies, by number six, who in his turn fell a +prey to number seven. Between eight and nine there +was a very interesting contest who should be lowest, +and hopes and fears were at their altitude, when Jemmy +Green again turned back his coat-wrist to throw for +number ten. His confidence had forsaken him a little, +as indicated by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but +he managed to conceal it from all except the ladies, who +kept too scrutinising an eye upon him. His first throw +brought sixes, which raised his spirits amazingly; but +on their appearance a second time, he could scarcely +contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits of +his friend Mr. Jorrocks. Then came the deciding throw—every +eye was fixed on Jemmy, he shook the box, +turned it down, and lo! there came seven.</p> + +<p>"Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this +magnificent prize!" exclaimed the youth, holding up +the box in mid-air, and thereupon all the ladies crowded +round Green, some to congratulate him, others to compliment +him on his looks, while one or two of the least +knowing tried to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, however, +was too old a stager, and pocketed the box and +other compliments at the same time.</p> + +<p>Another grind of the organ, and another song followed +from the same young lady, during which operation +Green sent for the manager, and, after a little beating +about the bush, proposed singing a song or two, if he +would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three +shilling-tickets for each song, and finally closed for five +tickets for two songs, on the understanding that he was +to be announced as a distinguished amateur, who had +come forward by most particular desire.</p> + +<p>Accordingly the manager—a roundabout, red-faced, +consequential little cockney—mounted the rostrum, and +begged to announce to the company that that "celebrated +wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known as a +distinguished amateur and conwivialist, both at Bagnigge +Wells, and Vite Conduit House, LONDON, had +werry kindly consented, in order to promote the hilarity +of the evening, to favour the company with a song +immediately after the drawing of the next lottery," +and after a few high-flown compliments, which elicited +a laugh from those who were up to Jemmy's mode of +doing business, he concluded by offering a <i>papier-maché</i> +tea-caddy for public competition, in shilling +lots as before.</p> + +<p>As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the organ +a grind, and Jemmy popped up with a hop, step, and +a jump, with his woolly white hat under his arm, and +presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the company. +After a few preparatory "hems and haws," he +pulled up his gills and spoke as follows: "Ladies and +gentlemen! hem"—another pull at his gills—"ladies and +gentlemen—my walued friend, Mr. Kitey Graves, has +announced that I will entertain the company with a +song; though nothing, I assure you—hem—could be +farther from my idea—hem—when my excellent friend +asked me,"—"Hookey Walker!" exclaimed someone +who had heard Jemmy declare the same thing half a +dozen times—"and, indeed, ladies and gentlemen—hem—nothing +but the werry great regard I have for Mr. +Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since +he was the height of sixpennorth of coppers" a loud +laugh followed this allusion, seeing that eighteenpenny-worth +would almost measure out the speaker. On giving +another "hem," and again pulling up his gills, an old +Kentish farmer, in a brown coat and mahogany-coloured +tops, holloaed out, "I say, sir! I'm afear'd you'll be +catching cold!" "I 'opes not," replied Jemmy in a +fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella, and my werry +best coat on!" "No! raining, no!" replied the farmer, +"only you've pulled at your shirt so long that I think +you must be bare behind! Haw! haw! haw!" at which +all the males roared with laughter, and the females hid +their faces in their handkerchiefs, and tittered and +giggled, and tried to be shocked. "ORDER! ORDER!" +cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud and sonorous voice, which +had the effect of quelling the riot and drawing all eyes +upon himself. "Ladies and gentlemen," said he, taking +off his cap with great gravity, and extending his right +arm,</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Immodest words admit of no defence,</p> +<p>For want of decency is want of sense;</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have +the immediate effect of restoring order and making the +farmer look foolish. Encouraged by the voice of his +great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his +speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the surprise +by which he had been taken by the request of his friend, +Kitey Graves, and an exhortation for the company to +make allowance for any deficiency of "woice," inasmuch +as how as labouring under "a wiolent 'orseness," for +which he had long been taking pectoral lozenges. He +then gave his gills another pull, felt if they were even, +and struck up:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Bid me discourse,"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock +would be perfect melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken a +conspicuous position, applauded long, loudly, and +warmly, at every pause—approbation the more +deserved and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy +gentleman suffers considerably from music, and only +knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "is <i>God save +the King</i>, and the other isn't."</p> + +<p>Having seen his protégé fairly under way, Mr. Jorrocks +gave him a hint that he would return to the "White +Hart," and have supper ready by the time he was done; +accordingly the Yorkshireman and he withdrew along +an avenue politely formed by the separation of the company, +who applauded as they passed.</p> + +<p>An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest +draft port, with the orthodox proportion of lemon, +cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had almost boiled itself +to perfection under the skilful superintendence of Mr. +Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been +handsomely decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled +bones, fried ham, poached eggs, when just as the clock +had finished striking eleven, the coffee-room door opened +with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green with his hands +crammed full of packages, and his trousers' pockets +sticking out like a Dutch burgomaster's. "Vell, I've +done 'em brown to-night, I think," said he, depositing +his hat and half a dozen packages on the sideboard, and +running his fingers through his curls to make them +stand up. "I've won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn +when I came away, because it did not seem likely to +fill. Let me see," said he, emptying his pockets,—"there +is the beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you was +there; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I von +also; the third was a jockey-vip, which I did not want +and only stood one ticket for and lost; the fourth was +this elegant box, with a view of Margate on the lid; +then came these six sherry labels with silver rims; a +snuff-box with an inwisible mouse; a coral rattle with +silver bells; a silk yard measure in a walnut-shell; a +couple of West India beetles; a humming-bird in a +glass case, which I lost; and then these dozen bodkins +with silver eyes—so that altogether I have made a +pretty good night's work of it. Kitey Graves wasn't +in great force, so after I had sung <i>Bid me Discourse</i>, +and <i>I'd be a Butterfly</i>, I cut my stick and went to the +hopposition shop, where they used me much more +genteelly; giving me three tickets for a song, and introducing +me in more flattering terms to the company—don't +like being considered one of the nasty 'reglars,' +and they should make a point of explaining that one +isn't. Besides, what business had Kitey to say anything +about Bagnigge Vells? a hass!—Now, perhaps, you'll +favour me with some supper."</p> + +<p>"Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy +approvingly on the head—"you deserve some. It's only +no song, no supper, and you've been singing like a +nightingale;" thereupon they set to with vigorous determination.</p> + +<p>A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early +hour was crowded with men in dressing-gowns of every +shape, hue, and material, with buff slippers—the "regulation +Margate shoeing," both for men and women. As +the hour of eleven approached, and the church bells +began to ring, the town seemed to awaken suddenly +from a trance, and bonnets the most superb, and dresses +the most extravagant, poured forth from lodgings the +most miserable. Having shaved and dressed himself +with more than ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks +walked his friends off to church, assuring them that no +one need hope to prosper throughout the week who did +not attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own +devotion throughout the service by drowning the clerk's +voice with his responses. After this spiritual ablution +Mr. Jorrocks bethought himself of having a bodily one +in the sea; and the day being excessively hot, and the +tide about the proper mark, he pocketed a couple of +towels out of his bedroom and went away to bathe, +leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to amuse themselves +at the "White Hart."</p> + +<p>This house, as we have already stated, faces the +harbour, and is a corner one, running a considerable +way up the next street, with a side door communicating, +as well as the front one, with the coffee-room. This +room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inasmuch +as the windows range the whole length of the +room, and being very low they afford every facility +for the children and passers-by to inspect the interior. +Whether this is done to show the Turkey carpet, the +pea-green cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, +the gay trellised geranium-papered room, or the aristocratic +visitors who frequent it, is immaterial—the description +is as accurate as if George Robins had drawn +it himself. In this room then, as the Yorkshireman and +Green were lying dozing on three chairs apiece, each +having fallen asleep to avoid the trouble of talking to +the other, they were suddenly roused by loud yells and +hootings at the side door, and the bursting into the +coffee-room of what at first brush they thought must +be a bull. The Yorkshireman jumped up, rubbed his +eyes, and lo! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, puffing +like a stranded grampus, with a bunch of sea-weed +under his arm and the dress in which he had started, +with the exception of the dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, +the place of which were supplied by a flowing +white linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four +corners of which were knotted a few small pebbles—producing, +with the Hessian boots and one thing and +another, the most laughable figure imaginable. The +blood of the Jorrockses was up, however, and throwing +his hands in the air, he thus delivered himself. "Oh +gentlemen! gentlemen!—here's a lamentable occurrence—a +terrible disaster—oh dear! oh dear!—I never thought +I should come to this. You know, James Green," appealing +to Jemmy, "that I never was the man to raise a +blush on the cheek of modesty; I have always said that +'want of decency is want of sense,' and see how I am +rewarded! Oh dear! oh dear! that I should ever have +trusted my pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, +which was the work of a moment, was going forward, +the mob, which had been shut out at the side door on +Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room +window, and were all wedging their faces in to have a +sight of him. It was principally composed of children, +who kept up the most discordant yells, mingled with +shouts of "there's old cutty shirt!"—"who's got your +breeches, old cock?"—"make a scramble!"—"turn him +out for another hunt!"—"turn him again!"—until, +fearing for the respectability of his house, the landlord +persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to state +his grievances. It then appeared that having travelled +along the coast, as far as the first preventive stationhouse +on the Ramsgate side of Margate, the grocer +had thought it a convenient place for performing his +intended ablutions, and, accordingly, proceeded to do +what all people of either sex agree upon in such cases—namely +to divest himself of his garments; but before +he completed the ceremony, observing some females +on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man +"to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced +to the water's edge in his aforesaid unmentionables, and +forgetting that it was not yet high tide, he left them +there, when they were speedily covered, and the pockets +being full of silver and copper, of course they were +"swamped." After dabbling about in the water and +amusing himself with picking up sea-weed for about +ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on returning +to the spot where he thought he had left his stocking-net +pantaloons, to find that they had disappeared; and +after a long fruitless search, the unfortunate gentleman +was compelled to abandon the pursuit, and render himself +an object of chase to all the little boys and girls +who chose to follow him into Margate on his return +without them.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about +his loss, and could not get over it—it stuck in his +gizzard, he said—and there it seemed likely to remain. +In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers—he +never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan of +a pair of white cords and top-boots, or even drab shorts +and continuations. Mr. Creed was no sportsman, and +did not keep any. The bellman could not cry the lost +unmentionables because it was Sunday, and even if +they should be found on the ebbing of the tide, they +would take no end of time to dry. Mr. Jorrocks declared +his pleasure at an end, and forthwith began making +inquiries as to the best mode of getting home. The +coaches were all gone, steamboats there were none, +save for every place but London, and posting, he said, +was "cruelly expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, +"Boots," who is always the most intelligent man about +an inn, popped in his curly head, and informed Mr. +Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most commodious vessel, +neat, trim, and water-tight, manned by his own maternal +uncle, was going to cut away to London at three o'clock, +and would land him before he could say "Jack Robinson." +Mr. Jorrocks jumped at the offer, and forthwith +attiring himself in a pair of Mr. Creed's loose inexpressibles, +over which he drew his Hessian boots, he +tucked the hamper containing the knuckle of veal and +other etceteras under one arm, and the bunch of sea-weed +he had been busy collecting, instead of watching +his clothes, under the other, and, followed by his friends, +made direct for the vessel.</p> + +<p>Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy +is—it is a large sailing-boat, sometimes with one deck, +sometimes with none; and the Unity, trading in bulky +goods, was of the latter description, though there was +a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the master dignified +by the name of a "state cabin," into which he purposed +putting Mr. Jorrocks, if the weather should turn +cold before they arrived. The wind, however, he said, +was so favourable, and his cargo—"timber and fruit," +as he described it, that is to say, broomsticks and +potatoes—so light, that he warranted landing him at +Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, where he could either +sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to Leadenhall +Street. The vessel looked anything but tempting, +neither was the captain's appearance prepossessing, still +Mr. Jorrocks, all things considered, thought he would +chance it; and depositing his hamper and sea-weed, and +giving special instructions about having his pantaloons +cried in the morning—recounting that besides the silver, +and eighteen-pence in copper, there was a steel pencil-case +with "J.J." on the seal at the top, an anonymous +letter, and two keys—he took an affectionate leave of +his friends, and stepped on board, the vessel was shoved +off and stood out to sea.</p> + +<p>Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts +betimes, to take their farewell splash and dive in the +sea. As the day advanced, the bustle and confusion on +the shore and in the town increased, and everyone +seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits to +the bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted +the last ounce of exertion from the exhausted leg-weary +donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of the creation strutted +about, some in dressing-gowns, others, "full puff," with +bags and boxes under their arms—while sturdy porters +were wheeling barrows full of luggage to the jetty. The +bell-man went round dressed in a blue and red cloak, +with a gold hatband. Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, +dong, went the bell, and the gaping cockneys +congregated around. He commenced—"To be sould in +the market-place a quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "The <i>Royal Adelaide</i>, fast and +splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave +the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land +the passengers at London Bridge Steam-packet Wharf—fore +cabin fares and children four shillings—saloon five +shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The superb +and splendid steam-packet, the <i>Magnet</i>, will leave the +pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the +passengers at the St. Catherine Docks—fore-cabin fares +and children four shillings—saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost at the back of James +Street—a lady's black silk—black lace wale—whoever +has found the same, and will bring it to the cryer, shall +receive one shilling reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, +dong: "Lost, last night, between the jetty and the York +Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot, whoever +has found the same, and will bring him to the +cryer, shall receive a reward of half-a-crown." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost, stolen, or strayed, or +otherwise conveyed, a brown-and-white King Charles's +setter as answers to the name of Jacob Jones. Whoever +has found the same, or will give such information as +shall lead to the detection and conversion of the offender +or offenders shall be handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost below the prewentive sarvice +station by a gentleman of great respectability—a +pair of blue knit pantaloons, containing eighteen penny-worth +of copper—a steel pencil-case—a werry anonymous +letter, and two keys. Whoever will bring the same +to the cryer shall receive a reward.—<i>God save the King!"</i></p> + +<p>Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a concourse +appeared! There were fat and lean, and short +and tall, and middling, going away, and fat and lean, +and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them +off; Green, as usual, making himself conspicuous, and +canvassing everyone he could lay hold of for the <i>Magnet</i> +steamer. At the end of the jetty, on each side, lay the +<i>Royal Adelaide</i> and the <i>Magnet</i>, with as fierce a contest +for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both decks were +crowded with anxious faces—for the Monday's steamboat +race is as great an event as a Derby, and a cockney +would as lieve lay on an outside horse as patronise a +boat that was likely to let another pass her. Nay, so +high is the enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly +made on the occasion, and there is as much clamour for +bets as in the ring at Epsom or Newmarket. "Tomkins, +I'll lay you a dinner—for three—<i>Royal Adelaide</i> against +the <i>Magnet</i>," bawled Jenkins from the former boat. +"Done," cries Tomkins. "The <i>Magnet</i> for a bottle of +port," bawled out another. "A whitebait dinner for +two, the <i>Magnet</i> reaches Greenwich first." "What should +you know about the <i>Magnet</i>?" inquires the mate of +the <i>Royal Adelaide</i>. "Vy, I think I should know something +about nauticals too, for Lord St. Wincent was my +godfather." "I'll bet five shillings on the <i>Royal Adelaide."</i> +"I'll take you," says another. "I'll bet a bottom of +brandy on the <i>Magnet</i>," roars out the mate. "Two goes +of Hollands', the <i>Magnet's</i> off Herne Bay before the <i>Royal +Adelaide."</i> "I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five +shillings, the <i>Magnet</i> beats the <i>Royal Adelaide</i>," bellowed +out Green, who having come on board, had mounted +the paddle-box. "I say, Green, I'll lay you an even five +if you like." "Well, five pounds," cries Green. "No, +shillings," says his friend. "Never bet in shillings," +replies Green, pulling up his shirt collar. "I'll bet fifty +pounds," he adds,-getting valiant. "I'll bet a hundred +ponds—a thousand pounds—a million pounds—half the +National Debt, if you like."</p> + +<p>Precisely as the jetty clock finishes striking nine, the +ropes are slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to +sea with beautiful precision, amid the crying, the kissing +of hands, the raising of hats, the waving of handkerchiefs, +from those who are left for the week, while the +passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the respective +bands on board. The <i>Magnet</i>, having the outside, +gets the breeze first hand, but the <i>Royal Adelaide</i> +keeps well alongside, and both firemen being deeply +interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous +gallop, without either being able to claim the slightest +advantage for upwards of an hour and a half, when the +<i>Royal Adelaide</i> manages to shoot ahead for a few +minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. +The <i>Magnet's</i> fireman, however, is on the alert, and a +few extra pokes of the fire presently bring the boats +together again, in which state they continue, nose and +nose, until the stiller water of the side of the Thames +favours the <i>Magnet</i>, and she shoots ahead amid the +cheers and vociferations of her party, and is not neared +again during the voyage.</p> + +<p>This excitement over, the respective crews sink into +a sort of melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain +endeavours to kick up a quadrille. The men were exhausted +and the women dispirited, and altogether they +were a very different set of beings to what they were on +the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white ducks were +the order of the day.</p> + +<p>The only incident of the voyage was, that on approaching +the mouth of the Medway, the <i>Royal Adelaide</i> was +hailed by a vessel, and the Yorkshireman, on looking +overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. Jorrocks sitting +in the stern of his hoy in the identical position he had +taken up the previous day, with his bunch of sea-weed +under his elbow, and the remains of the knuckle of +veal, ham, and chicken, spread on the hamper before +him. "Stop her?" cried the Yorkshireman, and then +hailing Mr. Jorrocks he holloaed out, "In the name +of the prophet, Figs, what are you doing there?" +"Oh, gentlemen! gentlemen!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, +brightening up as he recognised the boat, "take compassion +on a most misfortunate indiwidual—here have +I been in this 'orrid 'oy, ever since three o'clock yesterday +afternoon and here I seem likely to end my days—for +blow me tight if I couldn't swim as fast as it +goes." "Look sharp, then," cried the mate of the +steamer, "and chuck us up your luggage." Up went +the sea-weed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks; and +before the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into which he +had composed himself on resigning the rudder to his +lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a mile +before his vessel, bilking him of his fare.</p> + +<p>Who does not recognise in this last disaster, the +truth of the old adage?</p> + +<blockquote><p> + "Most haste, least speed." +</p></blockquote> +<br><br> + + +<a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a> +<h3>VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH.</h3> + +<p>"Jorrocks's France, in three wolumes, would sound +werry well," observed our worthy citizen, one afternoon, +to his confidential companion the Yorkshireman, as +they sat in the veranda in Coram Street, eating red +currants and sipping cold whiskey punch; "and I thinks +I could make something of it. They tells me that at +the 'west end' the booksellers will give forty pounds +for anything that will run into three wolumes, and one +might soon pick up as much matter as would stretch +into that quantity."</p> + +<p>The above observation was introduced in a long conversation +between Mr. Jorrocks and his friend, relative +to an indignity that had been offered him by the rejection +by the editor of a sporting periodical of a long +treatise on eels, which, independently of the singularity +of diction, had become so attenuated in the handling, +as to have every appearance of filling three whole +numbers of the work; and Mr. Jorrocks had determined +to avenge the insult by turning author on his own +account. The Yorkshireman, ever ready for amusement, +cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks in his views, +and a bargain was soon struck between them, the main +stipulations of which were, that Mr. Jorrocks should +find cash, and the Yorkshireman should procure information.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock +Dover heavy drew up at the "Bricklayers' Arms," +with Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the Yorkshireman +imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly—soldiers, +sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, +and footmen—that compose the cargo of these coaches. +Here they were assailed with the usual persecution from +the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred merchants, +proclaiming the virtues of their wares; one with black-lead +pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation to +"cut 'em and try 'em"; another with a good pocket-knife, +"twelve blades and saw, sir"; a third, with a +tame squirrel and a piping bullfinch, that could whistle +<i>God save the King</i> and the <i>White Cockade</i>—to be given +for an old coat. "Buy a silver guard-chain for your +vatch, sir!" cried a dark eyed urchin, mounting the +fore-wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. Jorrocks's +face; "buy pocket-book, memorandum-book!" whined +another. "Keepsake—Forget-me-not—all the last year's +annuals at half-price!" "Sponge cheap, sponge! take +a piece, sir—take a piece." "Patent leather straps." +"Barcelona nuts. Slippers. <i>Morning Hurl (Herald).</i> +Rhubarb. 'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap!—do to +fasten your wife up with!"</p> + +<p>"Stand clear, ye warmints!" cries the coachman, +elbowing his way among them—and, remounting the +box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. Jorrocks's +hands, cries "All right behind? sit tight!" and off +they go.</p> + +<p>The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light +and gay. The coach, though slow, was clean and smart, +the harness bright and well-polished, while the sleek +brown horses poked their heads about at ease, without +the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, like his +vehicle, was heavy, and had he been set on all fours, a +party of six might have eat off his back. Thus they +proceeded at a good steady substantial sort of pace; +trotting on level ground, walking up hills, and dragging +down inclines. Nor among the whole party was there a +murmur of discontent at the pace. Most of the passengers +seemed careless which way they went, so long as they +did but move, and they rolled through the Garden of +England with the most stoical indifference. We know not +whether it has ever struck the reader, but the travellers +by Dover coaches are less captious about pace than +those on most others.</p> + +<p>And now let us fancy our friends up, and down, +Shooter's Hill, through Dartford, Northfleet, and Gravesend—at +which latter place, the first foreign symptom +appears, in words, "Poste aux Chevaux," on the door-post +of the inn; and let us imagine them bowling down +Rochester Hill at a somewhat amended pace, with the +old castle, by the river Medway, the towns of Chatham, +Strood and Rochester full before them, and the finely +wooded country extending round in pleasing variety of +hill and dale. As they reach the foot of the hill, the +guard commences a solo on his bugle, to give notice to +the innkeeper to have the coach dinner on the table. +All huddled together, inside and out, long passengers +and short ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along +the narrow street, sparking the mud from the newly-watered +streets on the shop windows and passengers +on each side, and pull up at the "Pig and Crossbow," +with a jerk and a dash as though they had been travelling +at the rate of twelve miles an hour. Two other coaches +are "dining," while some few passengers, whose "hour +is not yet come," sit patiently on the roof, or pace up +and down the street with short and hurried turns, +anxious to see the horses brought out that are to forward +them on their journey. And what a commotion +this new arrival creates! From the arched doorway of +the inn issue two chamber-maids, one in curls the other +in a cap; Boots, with both curls and a cap, and a ladder +in his hand; a knock-kneed waiter, with a dirty duster, +to count noses, while the neat landlady, in a spruce +black silk gown and clean white apron, stands smirking, +smiling, and rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling +the passengers into the house, where she will turn them +over to the waiters to take their chance the instant she +gets them in. About the door the usual idlers are +assembled.—A coachman out of place, a beggar out at +the elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three recruits +with ribbons in their hats; a captain with his boots +cut for corns, the coachman that is to drive to Dover, +a youth in a straw hat and a rowing shirt, the little +inquisitive old man of the place—who sees all the midday +coaches change horses, speculates on the passengers +and sees who the parcels are for—and, though last but +not least, Mr. Bangup, the "varmint" man, the height +of whose ambition is to be taken for a coachman. As +the coach pulled up, he was in the bar taking a glass +of cold sherry "without" and a cigar, which latter he +brings out lighted in his mouth, with his shaved white +hat stuck knowingly on one side, and the thumbs of +his brown hands thrust into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, +throwing back his single breasted fancy buttoned +green coat, and showing a cream coloured cravat, +fastened with a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with +a buff waistcoat and tight drab trousers buttoning over +the boot, complete his "toggery," as he would call it. +His whiskers are large and riotous in the extreme, while +his hair is clipped as close as a charity schoolboy's. The +coachman and he are on the best of terms, as the outward +twist of their elbows and jerks of the head on +meeting testify. His conversation is short and slangy, +accompanied with the correct nasal twang. After standing +and blowing a few puffs, during which time the +passengers have all alighted, and the coachman has got +through the thick of his business, he takes the cigar +out of his mouth, and, spitting on the flags, addresses +his friend with, "Y've got the old near-side leader back +from Joe, I see." "Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his +friend, "but I had some work first—our gov'rnor was +all for the change—at last, says I to our 'osskeeper, says +I, it arn't no use your harnessing that 'ere roan for me +any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not to +no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out +of my team not by none on them, therefore it arn't to +never no use harnessing of him again for me." "So you +did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup. "Lord bless ye, yes! it +warn't to no use aggravising about it, for says I, I von't +stand it, so it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of +him again for me." "Come, Smith, what are you chaffing +there about?" inquires the landlord, coming out with +the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, "have you two +insides?" "No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's +precious empty, haw! haw! haw!" "Well, but now get +Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry +the passengers away from my grub, and may be I'll +give you your dinner for your trouble," replies the +landlord, reckoning he would save both his meat and +his horses by the experiment. "Ay, there goes the +dinner!" added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was +heard inside the "Pig and Crossbow," giving a most +tremendous roar for his food.—"Pork at the top, and +pork at the bottom," the host observes to the waiter +in passing, "and mind, put the joints before the women—they +are slow carvers."</p> + +<p>While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our +travellers had been driven through the passage into a +little, dark, dingy room at the back of the house, with a +dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a whitewashed +blank wall. The table, which was covered with +a thrice-used cloth, was set out with lumps of bread, +knives, and two and three pronged forks laid alternately. +Altogether it was anything but inviting, but +coach passengers are very complacent; and on the +Dover road it matters little if they are not. The bustle +of preparation was soon over. Coats No. 1, No. 2, and +No. 3, are taken off in succession, for some people wear +top-coats to keep out the "heat"; chins are released +from their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and +fur caps thrust into pockets of the owners. Inside +passengers eye outside ones with suspicion, while a +deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the coach, +meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven +years, and can only shake hands and grin to the movements +of the lips of the speaker. "You find it very warm +inside, I should think, sir?" "Thank ye, thank ye, my +good friend; I'm rayther deaf, but I presume you're +inquiring after my wife and daughters—they are very +well, I thank ye." "Where will you sit at dinner?" +rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a more successful +hit. "It is two years since I saw him." "No; where will +you sit, sir? I said." "Oh, John? I beg your pardon—I'm +rayther deaf—he's in Jamaica with his regiment." +"Come, waiter, BRING DINNER!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, +at the top of his voice, being the identical shout that +was heard outside, and presently the two dishes of pork, +a couple of ducks, and a lump of half-raw, sadly mangled, +cold roast beef, with waxy potatoes and overgrown +cabbages, were scattered along the table. "What a +beastly dinner!" exclaims an inside dandy, in a sable-collared +frock-coat—"the whole place reeks with onions +and vulgarity. Waiter, bring me a silver fork!" "Allow +me to duck you, ma'am?" inquires an outside passenger, +in a facetious tone, of a female in a green silk cloak, as +he turns the duck over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, +but I've some pork coming." "Will you take some of +this thingumbob?" turning a questionable-looking pig's +countenance over in its pewter bed. "You are in considerable +danger, my friend—you are in considerable +danger," drawls forth the superfine insider to an outsider +opposite. "How's that?" inquires the former in +alarm. "Why, you are eating with your knife, and you +are in considerable danger of cutting your mouth".—What +is the matter at the far end of the table?—a lady +in russet brown, with a black velvet bonnet and a feather, +in convulsions. "She's choking by Jove! hit her on the +back—gently, gently—she's swallowed a fish-bone." "I'll +lay five to two she dies," cries Mr. Bolus, the sporting +doctor of Sittingbourne. She coughs—up comes a couple +of tooth-picks, she having drunk off a green glass of +them in mistake.</p> + +<p>"Now hark'e, waiter! there's the guard blowing his +horn, and we have scarcely had a bite apiece," cries +Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary sounded his instrument +most energetically in the passage; "blow me tight, +if I stir before the full half-hour's up, so he may blow +till he's black in the face." "Take some cheese, sir?" +inquires the waiter. "No, surely not, some more pork, +and then some tarts". "Sorry, sir, we have no tarts we +can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good." [Enter +coachman, peeled down to a more moderate-sized man.]</p> + +<p>"Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." "With all my +heart, my good friend." "Please to remember the coachman—driv +ye thirty miles." "Yes, but you'll recollect +how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-box there's +sixpence between us for you." "Oh, sur! I'm +sure I didn't mean no unpurliteness. I 'opes you'll +forget it; it was werry aggravising, certainly, but driv +ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle more, thirty +miles." "No, no, no more; so be off." "Please to remember +the coachman, ma'am, thirty miles!" "Leaves +ye here, sir, if you please; goes no further, sir; thirty +miles, ma'am; all the vay from Lunnun, sir."</p> + +<p>A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder +of the gathering to be made in dumb show, and having +exhausted his wind, the guard squeezed through the +door, and, with an extremely red face, assured the company +that "time was hup" and the "coach quite ready." +Then out came the purses, brown, green, and blue, with +the usual inquiry, "What's dinner, waiter?" "Two and +six, dinner, beer, three,—two and nine yours," replied +the knock-kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing a +blue-and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three +and six, ma'am;—two glasses of brandy-and-water, +four shillings, if you please sir—a bottle of real Devonshire +cider."—"You must change me a sovereign," +handing one out. "Certainly, sir," upon which the +waiter, giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of +the room. "Now, gentlemen and ladies! pray, come, +time's hup—carn't wait—must go"—roars the guard, +as the passengers shuffle themselves into their coats, +cloaks, and cravats, and Joe "Boots" runs up the +passage with the ladder for the lady. "Now, my dear +Mrs. Sprat, good-bye.—God bless you, and remember +me most kindly to your husband and dear little ones +—and pray, write soon," says an elderly lady, as she +hugs and kisses a youngish one at the door, who has +been staying with her for a week, during which time +they have quarrelled regularly every night. "Have you +all your things, dearest? three boxes, five parcels, an +umbrella, a parasol, the cage for Tommy's canary, and +the bundle in the red silk handkerchief—then good-bye, +my beloved, step up—and now, Mr. Guard, you know +where to set her down." "Good-bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, +all right, thank you," replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping +up the ladder, and adjusting herself in the gammon +board opposite the guard, the seat the last comer +generally gets.—"But stay! I've forgot my reticule—it's +on the drawers in the bedroom—stop, coachman! +I say, guard!" "Carn't wait, ma'am—time's hup"—and +just at this moment a two-horse coach is heard +stealing up the street, upon which the coachman calls +to the horse-keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, +and take care no one pays them twice over," gives a +whistling hiss to his leaders, the double thong to his +wheelers, and starts off at a trot, muttering something +about, "cuss'd pair-'oss coach,—convict-looking +passengers," observing confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, +as he turned the angle of the street, "that he would +rather be hung off a long stage, than die a natural +death on a short one," while the guard drowns the +voices of the lady who has left her reticule, and of +the gentleman who has got no change for his sovereign, +in a hearty puff of:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Rule Britannia,—Britannia rule the waves.</p> +<p>Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves!</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after +feeding, our party rolled steadily along, with occasional +gibes at those they met or passed, such as telling +waggoners their linch-pins were out; carters' mates, +there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road; making +urchins follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings +and mock parcels; or simple equestrians dismount in a +jiffy on telling them their horses' shoes were not all +on "before." <a id="footnotetag19" name="footnotetag19"></a><a href="#footnote19"><sup>19</sup></a> Towards the decline of the day, Dover +heights appeared in view, with the stately castle guarding +the Channel, which seen through the clear atmosphere +of an autumnal evening, with the French coast conspicuous +in the distance, had more the appearance of a +wide river than a branch of the sea.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote19" name="footnote19"></a><b>Footnote 19:</b><a href="#footnotetag19"> (return) </a> This is more of a hunting-field joke than a road one. "Have +I all my shoes on?" "They are not all on before."</blockquote> + +<p>The coachman mended his pace a little, as he bowled +along the gentle descents or rounded the base of some +lofty hill, and pulling up at Lydden took a glass of soda-water +and brandy, while four strapping greys, with +highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and hollyhocks +at their heads, were put to, to trot the last few miles +into Dover. Paying-time being near, the guard began +to do the amiable—hoped Mrs. Sprat had ridden comfortable; +and the coachman turned to the gentleman +whose sovereign was left behind to assure him he would +bring his change the next day, and was much comforted +by the assurance that he was on his way to Italy for +the winter. As the coach approached Charlton Gate, +the guard flourished his bugle and again struck up +<i>Rule Britannia</i>, which lasted the whole breadth of the +market-place, and length of Snargate Street, drawing +from Mr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet remained, +and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic +moth-impaler, to suspend the examination of the bowels +of a watch, as they rattled past his window.</p> + +<p>At the door of the "Ship Hotel" the canary-coloured +coach of Mr. Wright, the landlord, with four piebald +horses, was in waiting for him to take his evening drive, +and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat tiger in +a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed behind +to convey her a few miles on the London road. Of course +the equipages of such important personages could not +be expected to move for a common stage-coach, consequently +it pulled up a few yards from the door. It is +melancholy to think that so much spirit should have +gone unrewarded, or in other words, that Mr. Wright +should have gone wrong in his affairs.—Mrs. Ramsbottom +said she never understood the meaning of the +term, "The Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," +until she went to Rochester. Many people, we doubt +not, retain a lively recollection of the "bill of Wright's +of Dover." But to our travellers.</p> + +<p>"Now, sir! this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be +the coachman, and we goes no further," observed the +amphibious-looking coachman, in a pea-jacket and top-boots, +to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on the +box, as if he expected, that because they booked people +"through to Paris," at the coach office in London, that +the vehicle crossed the Channel and conveyed them on +the other side. At this intimation, Mr. Jorrocks clambered +down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and +captains of vessels soliciting his custom. "<i>Bonjour,</i> me +Lor'," said a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white +jersey shirt, taking off a red nightcap with +mock politeness, "you shall be cross." "What's that +about?" inquires Mr. Jorrocks—"cross! what does the +chap mean?" "Ten shillin', just, me Lor'," replied the +man. "Cross for ten shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, +"vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he hasn't picked +my pocket." "I—you—vill," said the sailor slowly, +using his fingers to enforce his meaning, "take to +France," pointing south, "for ten shillin' in my <i>bateau</i>, +me Lor," continued the sailor, with a grin of satisfaction +as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to comprehend him. +"Ah! I twig—you'll take me across the water." said +our citizen chuckling at the idea of understanding +French and being called a Lord—"for ten shillings—half-sovereign +in fact." "Don't go with him, sir," +interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; "he's got nothing +but a lousy lugger that will be all to-morrow in getting +over, if it ever gets at all; and the <i>Royal George</i>, superb +steamer, sails with a King's Messenger and dispatches +for all the foreign courts at half-past ten, and must be +across by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take +a card for the <i>Brocklebank</i>—quickest steamer out of +Dover—wind's made expressly to suit her, and she can +beat the <i>Royal George</i> like winking. Passengers never +sick in the most uproarious weather," cried another +tout, running the corner of his card into Mr. Jorrocks's +eye to engage his attention. Then came the captain of +the French mail-packet, who was dressed much like a +new policeman, with an embroidered collar to his coat, +and a broad red band round a forage cap which he raised +with great politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's +patronage of his high-pressure engine, "vich had beat +a balloon, and vod take him for half less than noting." +A crowd collected, in the centre of which stood Mr. +Jorrocks perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his +carpet-bag under his arm. "Gentlemen," said he, extending +his right hand, "you seem to me to be desperately +civil—your purliteness appears to know no +bounds—but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that +whoever will carry me across the herring pond cheapest +shall have my custom, so now begin and bid downwards." +"Nine shillings," said an Englishman directly—"eight" +replied a Frenchman—"seven and sixpence"—"seven +shillings"—"six and sixpence"—"six shillings"—"five +and sixpence"; at last it came down to five shillings, at +which there were two bidders, the French captain and +the tout of the <i>Royal George</i>,—and Mr. Jorrocks, like +a true born Briton, promised his patronage to the +latter, at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their +shoulders, and burst out a-laughing, one calling him, +"my Lor' Ros-bif," and the other "Monsieur God-dem," +as they walked off in search of other victims.</p> + +<p>None but the natives of Dover can tell what the +weather is, unless the wind comes directly off the sea, +and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks proceeded to embark +after breakfast the next morning, that he ascertained +there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the heights +kept the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers were simmering +into action on the London-hotel side of the harbour, +in one of which—the <i>Royal George</i>—two britzkas and +a barouche were lashed ready for sea, while the custom-house +porters were trundling barrows full of luggage +under the personal superintendence of a little shock-headed +French commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a +gold-laced cap, and the other gentry of the same profession +from the different inns. As the <i>Royal George</i> lay +nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on +board without troubling himself to risk his shins among +the steps of a ladder that was considerately thrust into +the place of embarkation; and as soon as he set foot +upon deck, of course he was besieged by the usual +myriad of land sharks. First came Monsieur the Commissionnaire +with his book, out of which he enumerated +two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags, for each of +which he made a specific charge leaving his own gratuity +optional with his employer; then came Mr. Boots to +ask for something for showing them the way; after +him the porter of the inn for carrying their cloaks and +great-coats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to, +most philosophically, but when the interpreter of the +deaf and dumb ladder man demanded something for +the use of the ladder, his indignation got the better of +him and he exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all +on deck, "Surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he +has not enjoyed!"</p> + +<p>A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic—they +look at the medicine and wish it well over, and +look at the sea and wish themselves well over. Everything +looked bright and gay at Dover—the cliffs seemed +whiter than ever—the sailors had on clean trousers, +and the few people that appeared in the streets were +dressed in their Sunday best. The cart-horses were seen +feeding leisurely on the hills, and there was a placid +calmness about everything on shore, which the travellers +would fain have had extended to the sea. They came +slowly and solemnly upon deck, muffled up in cloaks +and coats, some with their passage money in their hands, +and took their places apparently with the full expectation +of being sick.</p> + +<p>The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of animation, +in the shape of a few vigorous puffs from the boiler, +which were responded to by the <i>Royal George</i>, whose +rope was slipped without the usual tinkle of the bell, +and she shot out to sea, closely followed by the Frenchman, +who was succeeded by the other English boat. +Three or four tremendous long protracted dives, each +followed by a majestic rise on the bosom of the waves, +denoted the crossing of the bar; and just as the creaking +of the cordage, the flapping of the sails, and the +nervous quivering of the paddles, as they lost their +hold of the water, were in full vigour, the mate crossed +the deck with a large white basin in his hand, the sight +of which turned the stomachs of half the passengers. +Who shall describe the misery that ensued? The groans +and moans of the sufferers, increasing every minute, as +the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, +while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick passengers +caught the green countenance and fixed eye of some +prostrate sufferer and were overcome themselves.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a +most substantial breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, +tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and fried ham, held out as +long as anybody—indeed, at one time the odds were +that he would not be sick at all; and he kept walking +up and down deck like a true British tar. In one of his +turns he was observed to make a full stop.—Immediately +before the boiler his eye caught a cadaverous-looking +countenance that rose between the top of a blue camlet +cloak, and the bottom of a green travelling-cap, with a +large patent-leather peak; he was certain that he knew +it, and, somehow or other, he thought, not favourably. +The passenger was in that happy mood just debating +whether he should hold out against sickness any longer, +or resign himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. +Jorrocks's eye encountered his, and the meeting did +not appear to contribute to his happiness. Mr. Jorrocks +paused and looked at him steadily for some seconds, +during which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over +his memory. "Sergeant Bumptious, by gum!" exclaimed +he, giving his thigh a hearty slap, as the deeply indented +pock-marks on the learned gentleman's face betrayed +his identity. "Sergeant," said he, going up to him, "I'm +werry 'appy to see ye—may be in the course of your +practice at Croydon you've heard that there are more +times than one to catch a thief." "Who are you?" inquired +the sergeant with a growl, just at which moment +the boat gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by +a donation to the fishes. "Who am I?" replied Mr. +Jorrocks, as soon as he was done, "I'll soon tell ye that—I'm +Mr. JORROCKS! Jorrocks wersus Cheatum, in fact—now +that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be +'appy to fight ye either by land or sea." "Oh-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant at the mention of the latter word, +and thereupon he put his head over the boat and paid +his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood eyeing him, +and when the sergeant recovered, he observed with +apparent mildness and compassion, "Now, my dear +sergeant, to show ye that I can return good for evil, +allow me to fatch you a nice 'ot mutton chop!" "Oh-h-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant, as though he would +die. "Or perhaps you'd prefer a cut of boiled beef +with yellow fat, and a dab of cabbage?" an alternative +which was too powerful for the worthy citizen himself—for, +like Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a +picture that his own imagination could not sustain—and, +in attempting to reach the side of the boat, he +cascaded over the sergeant, and they rolled over each +other, senseless and helpless upon deck.</p> + +<p>"Mew, mew," screamed the seagulls;—"creak, +creak," went the cordage;—"flop, flop," went the +sails; round went the white basins, and the steward +with the mop; and few passengers would have cared +to have gone overboard, when, at the end of three +hours' misery, the captain proclaimed that they were +running into still water off Boulogne. This intimation +was followed by the collection of the passage money +by the mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the steward, +under the noses of the party, for perquisites for the crew. +Jorrocks and the sergeant lay together like babes in +the wood until they were roused by this operation, +when, with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. +Jorrocks got up; and though he had an idea in his +own mind that a man had better live abroad all his +life than encounter such misery as he had undergone, +for the purpose of returning to England, he recollected +his intended work upon France, and began to make +his observations upon the town of Boulogne, towards +which the vessel was rapidly steaming. "Not half so +fine as Margate," said he; "the houses seem all afraid +of the sea, and turn their ends to it instead of fronting +it, except yon great white place, which I suppose is +the baths"; and, taking his hunting telescope out of +his pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make +an observation. "How the people are swarming down +to see us!" he exclaimed. "I see such a load of petticoats—glad +Mrs. J—— ain't with us; may have some +fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women! wot +ankles! beat the English, hollow—would give something +to be a single man!" While he made these remarks, the +boat ran up the harbour in good style, to the evident +gratification of the multitude who lined the pier from +end to end, and followed her in her passage. "Ease her! +stop her!" at last cried the captain, as she got opposite +a low wooden guard-house, midway down the port. A +few strokes of the paddles sent her up to the quay, some +ropes were run from each end of the guard-house down +to the boat, within which space no one was admitted +except about a dozen soldiers or custom-house officers—in +green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf "caps," +and having swords by their sides—and some thick-legged +fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings, to lower +the ladder for disembarkation. The idlers, that is to +say, all the inhabitants of Boulogne, range themselves +outside the ropes on foot, horseback, in carriages, or +anyhow, to take the chance of seeing someone they +know, to laugh at the melancholy looks of those who +have been sick, and to criticise the company, who are +turned into the guarded space like a flock of sheep +before them.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself +a hearty and congratulatory shake on again finding +himself on terra firma, and sticking his hat jauntily +on one side, as though he didn't know what sea-sickness +was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators +on one side of the ropes; when presently he was heard +to exclaim, "My vig, there's Thompson! He owes us +a hundred pounds, and has been doing these three +years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine looking +young fellow—with mustachios, in a hussar foraging +cap stuck on one side of his head, dressed in a black +velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a jeweller's shop +about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings and +buttons—who had brought a good-looking bay horse +to bear with his chest against the cords. "Thompson," +said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of voice, "how are +you?" "How do ye do, Mister Jorrocks," drawled out +the latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing +a cloud of smoke over the grocer's head. "Well, I'm +werry well, but I should like to have a few moments' +conversation with you." "Would ye?" said Thompson, +blowing another cloud. "Yes, I would; you remember +that 'ere little bill you got Simpkins to discount for you +one day when I was absent; we have had it by us a +long time now, and it is about time you were taking it +up." "You think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks; can't +you renew it? I'll give you a draft on Aldgate pump +for the amount." "Come, none of your funning with +me, I've had enough of your nonsense: give me my +pewter, or I'll have that horse from under you; for +though it has got the hair rubbed off its near knee, it +will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey occasionally." +"You old fool," said Thompson, "you forget +where you are; if I could pay you your little bill, do +you suppose I would be here? You can't squeeze blood +out of a turnip, can ye? But I'll tell you what, my +covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, you +shall give me the satisfaction of a gentleman, if you +don't take care what you are about, you old tinker. +By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow +morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight +through your carcass if you utter another syllable about +the bill. Why, now, you stare as Balaam did at his +ass, when he found it capable of holding an argument +with him!"</p> + +<p>And true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfounded at this +sort of reply from a creditor, it not being at all in accordance +with the <i>Lex mercatoria</i>, or law of merchants, and +quite unknown on 'Change. Before, however, he had +time to recover his surprise, all the passengers having +entered the roped area, one of the green-coated gentry +gave him a polite twist by the coat-tail, and with a +wave of the hand and bend of his body, beckoned him +to proceed with the crowd into the guard-house. After +passing an outer room, they entered the bureau by a +door in the middle of a wooden partition, where two +men were sitting with pens ready to enter the names of +the arrivers in ledgers.</p> + +<p>"Votre nom et designation?" said one of them to +Mr. Jorrocks—who, with a bad start, had managed to +squeeze in first—to which Mr. Jorrocks shook his head. +"Sare, what's your name, sare?" inquired the same +personage. "JORROCKS," was the answer, delivered with +great emphasis, and thereupon the secretary wrote +"Shorrock." "—Monsieur Shorrock," said he, looking +up, "votre profession, Monsieur? Vot you are, sare?" +"A grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter +from those behind who meant to sink the shop. "Marchand-Epicier," +wrote the bureau-keeper. "Quel age +avez-vous, Monsieur? How old you are, sare?" "Two +pound twelve," replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his +inquisitiveness. "No, sare, not vot monnay you have, +sare, hot old you are, sare." "Well, two pound twelve, +fifty-two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, +to take his chance among the touts and commissionaires +of the various hotels, who are enough to pull passengers +to pieces in their solicitations for custom. In Boulogne, +however, no man with money is ever short of friends; +and Thompson having given the hint to two or three +acquaintances as he rode up street, there were no end +of broken-down sportsmen, levanters, and gentlemen +who live on the interest of what they owe other people, +waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The greetings on their +parts were most cordial and enthusiastic, and even +some who were in his books did not hesitate to hail +him; the majority of the party, however, was composed +of those with whom he had at various tunes and places +enjoyed the sports of the field, but whom he had never +missed until they met at Boulogne.</p> + +<p>Their inquiries were business-like and familiar:—"are +ye, Jorrocks?" cried one, holding out both +hands. "How are ye, my lad of wax? Do you still play +billiards?—Give you nine, and play you for a Nap." +"Come to my house this evening, old boy, and take +a hand at whist for old acquaintance sake," urged the +friend on his left; "got some rare cogniac, and a box of +beautiful Havannahs." "No, Jorrocks,—dine with me," +said a third, "and play chicken-hazard." "Don't," said +a fourth, confidentially, "he'll fleece ye like fun". "Let +me put your name down to our Pigeon Club; only a +guinea entrance and a guinea subscription—nothing to +a rich man like you." "Have you any coin to lend on +unexceptionable personal security, with a power of killing +and selling your man if he don't pay?" inquired +another. "Are they going to abolish the law of arrest? +'twould be very convenient if they did." "Will you +discount me a bill at three months?" "Is B—— out of +the Bench yet?" "Who do they call Nodding Homer in +your hunt?" "Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen!" cried Mr. +Jorrocks, "go it gently, go it gently! Consider the day +is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want of +food. I've come all the way from Angle-tear, as we say +in France, and lost my breakfast on the wogaye. Where +is there an inn where I can recruit my famished frame? +What's this?" looking up at a sign, "'Done a boar in +a manger,' what does this mean?—where's my French +dictionary? I've heard that boar is very good to eat." +"Yes, but this boar is to drink," said a friend on the +right; "but you must not put up at a house of that +sort; come to the Hōtel d'Orleans, where all the best +fellows and men of consequence go, a celebrated house +in the days of the Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the +time, Mr. Jorrocks! we lived like fighting-cocks then; +you should have been among us, such a rollicking set +of dogs! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink +claret all night, and take an occasional by-day with +the hounds on a Sunday. Can't do that with the Surrey, +I guess. There's the Hōtel d'Orleans," pointing to it as +they turned the corner of the street; "splendid house +it is. I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose +so; but the sun of its greatness is fast setting—there's +no such shaking of elbows as there used to be—the IOU +system knocked that up. Still, you'll be very comfortable; +a bit of carpet by your bedside, curtains to your +windows, a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel every +third day, and as many friends to dine with you as ever +you like—no want of company in Boulogne, I assure +you. Here, Mr. W——," addressing the innkeeper who +appeared at the door, "this is the very celebrated Mr. +Jorrocks, of whom we have all heard so much,—take +him and use him as you would your own son; and, hark +ye (aside), don't forget I brought him."</p> + +<p>"Garsoon," said Jorrocks, after having composed +himself a little during which time he was also composing +a French speech from his dictionary and Madame +de Genlis's<a id="footnotetag20" name="footnotetag20"></a><a href="#footnote20"><sup>20</sup></a> <i>Manuel du Voyageur</i>, "A che hora [ora] +si pranza?" looking at the waiter, who seemed +astonished. "Oh, stop!" said he, looking again, "that's +Italian—I've got hold of the wrong column. A quelle +heure dine—hang me if I know how to call this chap—dine +[spelling it], t'on?" "What were you wishing +to say, sir?" inquired the waiter, interrupting his display +of the language. "Wot, do you speak English?" +asked Jorrocks in amazement. "I hope so, sir," replied +the man, "for I'm an Englishman." "Then, why the +devil did you not say so, you great lout, instead of +putting me into a sweat this 'ot day by speaking French +to you?" "Beg pardon, sir, thought you were a Frenchman." +"Did you, indeed?" said Jorrocks, delighted; +"then, by Jove, I do speak French! Somehow or other +I thought I could, as I came over. Bring me a thundering +beef-steak, and a pint of stout, directly!" The Hōtel +d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and plum-pudding +sort of house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily had an immense +stripe of tough beef and boiled potatoes placed before +him, in the well-windowed <i>salle ą manger</i>, and the day +being fine he regaled himself at a table at an open +window, whereby he saw the smart passers-by, and let +them view him in return.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote20" name="footnote20"></a><b>Footnote 20:</b><a href="#footnotetag20"> (return) </a> For the benefit of our "tarry-at-home" readers, we should +premise that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the +convenience of travellers who do not speak any language but +their own; and it consists of dialogues on different necessary +subjects, with French and Italian translations opposite the +English.</blockquote> + +<p>Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals +the best town in smartness. The shops are better set +out, the women are better dressed, and there is a +holiday brightness and air of pleasure on every countenance. +Then instead of seeing a sulky husband trudging +behind a pouting wife with a child in her arms, an infallible +sign of a Sunday evening in England, they trip +away to the rural <i>fźte champźtre</i>, where with dancing, +lemonade, and love, they pass away the night in temperate +if not innocent hilarity. "Happy people! that +once a week, at least, lay down their cares, and dance +and sing, and sport away the weights of grievance, +which bow down the spirit of other nations to the earth."</p> + +<p>The voyage, though short, commenced a new era in +Mr. Jorrocks's life, and he entirely forget all about +Sunday and Dover dullness the moment he set foot +on sprightly France, and he no more recollected it was +Sunday, than if such a day had ceased to exist in the +calendar. Having bolted his steak, he gave his Hessians +their usual flop with his handkerchief, combed his +whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth, +dictionary in hand, to translate the signs, admire the +clever little children talking French, quiz the horses, +and laugh at everything he didn't understand; to +spend his first afternoon, in short, as nine-tenths of +the English who go "abroad" are in the habit of doing.</p> + +<p>Early the next morning. Mr. Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman, +accompanied by the commissionnaire of the +Hōtel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper town, for the +purpose of obtaining passports, and as they ascended +the steep street called La grand Rue, which connects +the two towns, they held a consultation as to what the +former should be described. A "Marchand-Epicier" +would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no respect, but, then, he +objected to the word "Rentier." "What is the French +for fox-'unter?" said he, after a thoughtful pause, +turning to his dictionary. There was no such word. +"Sportsman, then? Ay, Chasseur! how would that +read? John Jorrocks, Esq., Chasseur,—not bad, I think," +said he. "That will do," replied the Yorkshireman, "but +you must sink the Esquire now, and tack 'Monsieur' +before your name, and a very pretty euphonious sound +'Monsieur Jorrocks' will have; and when you hear some +of the little Parisian grisettes lisp it out as you turn the +garters over on their counters, while they turn their +dark flashing eyes over upon you, it will be enough to +rejuvenate your old frame. But suppose we add to +'Chasseur'—'Member of the Surrey Hunt?'" "By all +means," replied Mr. Jorrocks, delighted at the idea, +and ascending the stairs of the Consulate three steps +at a time.</p> + +<p>The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance +sitting in state, with a gendarme at the door and his +secretary at his elbow. "<i>Bonjour,</i> Monsieur," said he, +bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty folding +door; to which our traveller replied, "The top of +the morning to you, sir," thinking something of that +sort would be right. The Consul, having scanned him +through his green spectacles, drew a large sheet of thin +printed paper from his portfolio, with the arms of France +placed under a great petticoat at the top, and proceeded +to fill up a request from his most Christian +Majesty to all the authorities, both civil and military, +of France, and also of all the allied "pays," "de laisser +librement passer" Monsieur John Jorrocks, Chasseur +and member of the Hont de Surrey, and plusieurs other +Honts; and also, Monsieur Stubbs, native of Angleterre, +going from Boulogne to Paris, and to give them aid and +protection, "en cas de besoin," all of which Mr. Jorrocks +—like many travellers before him—construed into a +most flattering compliment and mark of respect, from +his most Christian Majesty to himself.</p> + +<p>Under the word "signalement" in the margin, the +Consul also drew the following sketch of our hero, in +order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that the King of the +Mouncheers might know him when he saw him:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Age de 52 ans</p> +<p>Taille d'un mčtre 62 centimetres</p> +<p>Perruque brun</p> +<p>Front large</p> +<p>Yeux gris-sanguin</p> +<p>Nez moyen</p> +<p>Barbe grisātre</p> +<p>Vizage ronde</p> +<p>Teint rouge."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his signature, +who, observing the words "Signature du Porteur" +at the bottom, passed it on to the porter of the inn, +until put right by the Consul, who, on receiving his +fee, bowed him out with great politeness.</p> + +<p>Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the +horses and carts that he had seen stirring about the +streets, his amazement knew no bounds when the first +Paris diligence came rolling into town with six horses, +spreading over the streets as they swung about in all directions—covered +with bells, sheep-skins, worsted balls, and +foxes' brushes, driven by one solitary postilion on the +off wheeler. "My vig," cried he, "here's Wombwell's +wild-beast show! What the deuce are they doing in +France? I've not heard of them since last Bartlemy-fair, +when I took my brother Joe's children to see them feed. +But stop—this is full of men! My eyes, so it is! It's +what young Dutch Sam would call a male coach, because +there are no females about it. Well, I declare, I +am almost sorry I did not bring Mrs. J——. Wot would +they think to see such a concern in Cheapside? Why, it +holds half a township—a perfect willage on wheels. +My eyes, wot a curiosity! Well, I never thought to live +to see such a sight as this!—wish it was going our way +that I might have a ride in it. Hope ours will be as big." +Shortly after theirs did arrive, and Mr. Jorrocks was +like a perfect child with delight. It was not a male +coach, however, for in the different compartments were +five or six ladies. "Oh, wot elegant creatures," cried +he, eyeing them; "I could ride to Jerusalem with them +without being tired; wot a thing it is to be a bachelor!"</p> + +<p>The Conducteur—with the usual frogged, tagged, embroidered +jacket, and fur-bound cap—having hoisted +their luggage on high, the passengers who had turned +out of their respective compartments to stretch their +legs after their cramping from Calais, proceeded to +resume their places. There were only two seats vacant in +the interior, or, as Mr. Jorrocks called it, the "middle +house," consequently the Yorkshireman and he crossed +legs. The other four passengers had corner-seats, things +much coveted by French travellers. On Mr. Stubbs's +right sat an immense Englishman, enveloped in a dark +blue camlet cloak, fastened with bronze lionhead clasps, +a red neckcloth, and a shabby, napless, broad-brimmed, +brown hat. His face was large, round, and red, without +an atom of expression, and his little pig eyes twinkled +over a sort of a mark that denoted where his nose should +have been; in short, his head was more like a barber's +wig block than anything else, and his outline would +have formed a model of the dome of St. Paul's. On +the Yorkshireman's left was a chattering young red-trousered +dragoon, in a frock-coat and flat foraging cap +with a flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was more fortunate +than his friend, and rubbed sides with two women; one +was English, either an upper nursery-maid or an under +governess, but who might be safely trusted to travel +by herself. She was dressed in a black beaver bonnet +lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen pelisse with a blue +ribbon, and pea-green boots, and she carried a sort of +small fish-basket on her knee, with a "plain Christian's +prayer book" on the top. The other was French, +approaching to middle age, with a nice smart plump +figure, good hazel-coloured eyes, a beautiful foot and +ankle, and very well dressed. Indeed, her dress very +materially reduced the appearance of her age, and she +was what the milliners would call remarkably well +"got up." Her bonnet was a pink satin, with a white +blonde ruche surmounted by a rich blonde veil, with +a white rose placed elegantly on one side, and her glossy +auburn hair pressed down the sides of a milk-white +forehead, in the Madonna style.—Her pelisse was of +"violet-des-bois" figured silk, worn with a black velvet +pelerine and a handsomely embroidered collar. Her +boots were of a colour to match the pelisse; and a +massive gold chain round her neck, and a solitary pearl +ring on a middle finger, were all the jewellery she displayed. +Mr. Jorrocks caught a glimpse of her foot and +ankle as she mounted the steps to resume her place +in the diligence, and pushing the Yorkshireman aside, +he bundled in directly after her, and took up the place +we have described.</p> + +<p>The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous +roll enchanted the heart of the grocer. Independently +of the novelty, he was in a humour to be pleased, and +everything with him was <i>couleur de rose</i>. Not so the +Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who lounged in +the corner, muffled up in his cloak, muttering and cursing +at every jolt of the diligence, as it bumped across the +gutters and jolted along the streets of Boulogne. At +length having got off the pavement, after crushing along +at a trot through the soft road that immediately +succeeds, they reached the little hill near Mr. Gooseman's +farm, and the horses gradually relaxed into a +walk, when he burst forth with a tremendous oath, +swearing that he had "travelled three hundred thousand +miles, and never saw horses walk up such a bit of a +bank before." He looked round the diligence in the +expectation of someone joining him, but no one deigned +a reply, so, with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he +again threw himself into his corner. The dragoon and +the French lady then began narrating the histories of +their lives, as the French people always do, and Mr. +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each +other. At length Mr. Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary +and <i>Madame de Genlis</i> out of his pocket, observed, "I +quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we dine—most +important consideration, for I hold it unfair to +takes one's stomach by surprise, and a man should have +due notice, that he may tune his appetite accordingly. +I have always thought, that there's as much dexterity +required to bring an appetite to table in the full bloom +of perfection, as there is in training an 'oss to run on +a particular day.—Let me see," added he, turning over +the pages of <i>de Genlis</i>—"it will be under the head of +eating and drinking, I suppose.—Here it is—(opens and +reads)—'I have a good appetite—I am hungry—I am +werry hungry—I am almost starved'—that won't do—'I +have eaten enough'—that won't do either—'To +breakfast'—no.—But here it is, by Jingo—'Dialogue +before dinner'—capital book for us travellers, this Mrs. +de Genlis—(reads) 'Pray, take dinner with us to-day, I +shall give you plain fare.'—That means rough and +enough, I suppose," observed Mr. Jorrocks to the Yorkshireman.—"'What +time do we dine to-day? French: +A quelle heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui?—Italian: A +che hora (ora) si prancey (pranza) oggi?'" "Ah, Monsieur, +vous parlez Franēais ą merveille," said the French +lady, smiling with the greatest good nature upon him. +"A marble!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "wot does that mean?" +preparing to look it out in the dictionary. "Ah, Monsieur, +I shall you explain—you speak French like a +natif." "Indeed!" said Mr. Jorrocks, with a bow, "I +feel werry proud of your praise; and your English is +quite delightful.—By Jove," said he to the Yorkshireman, +with a most self-satisfied grin, "you were right +in what you told me about the gals calling me Monsieur.—I +declare she's driven right home to my 'art—transfixed +me at once, in fact."</p> + +<p>Everyone who has done a little "voyaging," as they +call it in France, knows that a few miles to the south of +Samer rises a very steep hill, across which the route +lies, and that diligence travellers are generally invited +to walk up it. A path which strikes off near the foot of +the hill, across the open, cuts off the angle, and—diligences +being anything but what the name would imply,—the +passengers, by availing themselves of the short +cut, have ample time for striking up confabs, and inquiring +into the comforts of the occupiers of the various +compartments. Our friends of the "interior" were all +busy jabbering and talking—some with their tongues, +others with their hands and tongues—with the exception +of the monster in the cloak, who sat like a sack in the +corner, until the horses, having reached the well-known +breathing place, made a dead halt, and the conducteur +proceeded to invite the party to descend and "promenade" +up the hill. "What's happened now?" cried +the monster, jumping up as the door opened; "surely, +they don't expect us to walk up this mountain! I've +travelled three hundred thousand miles, and was never +asked to do such a thing in all my life before. I won't +do it; I paid for riding, and ride I will. You are all a set +of infamous cheats," said he to the conducteur in good +plain English; but the conducteur, not understanding +the language, shut the door as soon as all the rest were +out, and let him roll on by himself. Jorrocks stuck to +his woman, who had a negro boy in the rotonde, dressed +in baggy slate-coloured trousers, with a green waistcoat +and a blue coat, with a coronet on the button, +who came to hand her out, and was addressed by the +heroic name of "Agamemnon." Jorrocks got a glimpse +of the button, but, not understanding foreign coronets, +thought it was a crest; nevertheless, he thought he might +as well inquire who his friend was, so, slinking back as +they reached the foot of the hill he got hold of the nigger, +and asked what they called his missis. Massa did not +understand, and Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled how to +explain, again had recourse to the <i>Manuel du Voyageur</i>; +but Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an +occurrence, and there was no dialogue adapted to his +situation. There was a conversation with a lacquey, +however, commencing with—"Are you disposed to enter +into my service?" and, in the hopes of hitting upon +something that would convey his wishes, he "hark'd +forward," and passing by—"Are you married?" arrived +at—"What is your wife's occupation?" "Que fait votre +femme?" said he, suiting the action to the word, and +pointing to Madame. Agamemnon showed his ivories, +as he laughed at the idea of Jorrocks calling his mistress +his wife, and by signs and words conveyed to him some +idea of the importance of the personage to whom he +alluded. This he did most completely, for before the +diligence came up, Jorrocks pulled the Yorkshireman +aside, and asked if he was aware that they were travelling +with a real live Countess; "Madame la Countess Benwolio, +the nigger informs me," said he; "a werry grande +femme, though what that means I don't know." "Oh, +Countesses are common enough here," replied the Yorkshireman. +"I dare say she's a stay-maker. I remember +a paint-maker who had a German Baron for a colour-grinder +once." "Oh," said Jorrocks, "you are jealous—you +always try to run down my friends; but that +won't do, I'm wide awake to your tricks"; so saying, +he shuffled off, and getting hold of the Countess, helped +Agamemnon to hoist her into the diligence. He was most +insinuating for the next two hours, and jabbered about +love and fox-hunting, admiring the fine, flat, open +country, and the absence of hedges and flints; but as +neither youth nor age can subsist on love alone, his +confounded appetite began to trouble him, and got +quite the better of him before they reached Abbeville. +Every mile seemed a league, and he had his head out +of the window at least twenty times before they came +in sight of the town. At length the diligence got its +slow length dragged not only to Abbeville, but to the +sign of the "Fidčle Berger"—or "Fiddle Burgur," as +Mr. Jorrocks pronounced it—where they were to dine. +The door being opened, out he jumped, and with his +<i>Manuel du Voyageur</i> in one hand, and the Countess +Benvolio in the other, he pushed his way through the +crowd of "pauvres misérables" congregated under the +gateway, who exhibited every species of disease and infirmity +that poor human nature is liable or heir to, and +entered the hotel. The "Sally manger," as he called it, +was a long brick-floored room on the basement, with a +white stove at one end, and the walls plentifully decorated +with a panoramic view of the Grand Nation +wallopping the Spaniards at the siege of Saragossa. +The diligence being a leetle behind time as usual, the +soup was on the table when they entered. The passengers +quickly ranged themselves round, and, with his mouth +watering as the female garēon lifted the cover from the +tureen, Mr. Jorrocks sat in the expectation of seeing +the rich contents ladled into the plates. His countenance +fell fifty per cent as the first spoonful passed before +his eyes.—"My vig, why it's water!" exclaimed he—"water, +I do declare, with worms<a id="footnotetag21" name="footnotetag21"></a><a href="#footnote21"><sup>21</sup></a> in it—I can't eat +such stuff as that—it's not man's meat—oh dear, oh +dear, I fear I've made a terrible mistake in coming to +France! Never saw such stuff as this at Bleaden's or +Birch's, or anywhere in the city." "I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles," said the fat man, sending his +plate from him in disgust, "and never tasted such a +mess as this before." "I'll show them up in <i>The Times</i>," +cried Mr. Jorrocks; "and, look, what stuff is here—beef +boiled to rags!—well, I never, no never, saw anything +like this before. Oh, I wish I was in Great Coram +Street again!—I'm sure I can't live here—I wonder if +I could get a return chaise—waiter—garsoon—cuss! Oh +dear! I see <i>Madame de Genlis</i> is of no use in a pinch—and +yet what a dialogue here is! Oh heavens! grant +your poor Jorrocks but one request, and that is the +contents of a single sentence. 'I want a roasted or boiled +leg of mutton, beef, hung beef, a quarter of mutton, +mutton chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue, dried tongue, +hog's pudding, white sausage, meat sausage, chicken +with rice, a nice fat roast fowl, roast chicken with cressy, +roast or boiled pigeon, a fricassee of chicken, sweet-bread, +goose, lamb, calf's cheek, calf's head, fresh pork, +salt pork, cold meat, hash.'—But where's the use of +titivating one's appetite with reading of such luxteries? +Oh, what a wife Madame de Genlis would have made +for me! Oh dear, oh dear, I shall die of hunger, I see +—I shall die of absolute famine—my stomach thinks +my throat's cut already!" In the height of his distress +in came two turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his +countenance shone forth like an April sun after a shower. +"Come, this is better," said he; "I'll trouble you, sir, +for a leg and a wing, and a bit of the breast, for I'm +really famished—oh hang! the fellow's a Frenchman, +and I shall lose half the day in looking it out in my +dictionary. Oh dear, oh dear, where's the dinner dialogue!—well, +here's something to that purpose. 'I will +send you a bit of this fowl.' 'A little bit of the fowl +cannot hurt you.'—No, nor a great bit either.—'Which +do you like best, leg or wing?' 'Qu'aimez-vous le mieux, +la cuisse ou l'aile?'" Here the Countess Benvolio, who +had been playing a good knife and fork herself, pricked +up her ears, and guessing at Jorrocks's wants, interceded +with her countryman and got him a plateful of +fowl. It was soon disposed of, however, and half a dish +of hashed hare or cat, that was placed within reach of +him shortly after, was quickly transferred into his plate. +A French dinner is admirably calculated for leading +the appetite on by easy stages to the grand consummation +of satiety. It begins meagrely, as we have shown, +and proceeds gradually through the various gradations +of lights, savories, solids, and substantiate. Presently +there was a large dish of stewed eels put on. "What's +that?" asked Jorrocks of the man.—"Poisson," was the +reply. "Poison! why, you infidel, have you no conscience?" +"Fishe," said the Countess. "Oh, ay, I smell—eels—just +like what we have at the Eel-pie-house +at Twickenham—your ladyship, I am thirsty—'ge soif,' +in fact." "Ah, bon!" said the Countess, laughing, and +giving him a tumbler of claret. "I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles," said the fat man, "and never +saw claret drunk in that way before." "It's not werry +good, I think," said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking his lips; "if +it was not claret I would sooner drink port." Some wild +ducks and fricandeau de veau which followed, were cut +up and handed round, Jorrocks helping himself plentifully +to both, as also to pommes de terre ą la maitre +d'hōtel, and bread at discretion. "Faith, but this is not +a bad dinner, after all's said and done, when one gets +fairly into it." "Fear it will be very expensive," observed +the fat man. Just when Jorrocks began to think he had +satisfied nature, in came a roast leg of mutton, a beef-steak, +"ą la G—d-dam", <a id="footnotetag22" name="footnotetag22"></a><a href="#footnote22"><sup>22</sup></a> and a dish of larks and snipes.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote21" name="footnote21"></a><b>Footnote 21:</b><a href="#footnotetag21"> (return) </a> Macaroni soup.</blockquote> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote22" name="footnote22"></a><b>Footnote 22:</b><a href="#footnotetag22"> (return) </a> When the giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves, handkerchiefs, +gowns, reticules, etc. were "ą la Giraffe," an Englishman +asked a waiter if they had any beef-steaks "ą la Giraffe." +"No, monsieur, but we have them ą la G—d-dem," was the +answer.</blockquote> + +<p>"Must have another tumbler of wine before I can grapple +with these chaps," said he, eyeing them, and looking +into Madame de Genlis's book: "'Garsoon, donnez-moi +un verre de vin,'" holding up the book and pointing to +the sentence. He again set to and "went a good one" +at both mutton and snipes, but on pulling up he appeared +somewhat exhausted. He had not got through it all yet, +however. Just as he was taking breath, a <i>garēon</i> entered +with some custards and an enormous omelette soufflée, +whose puffy brown sides bagged over the tin dish that +contained it. "There's a tart!" cried Mr. Jorrocks; +"Oh, my eyes, what a swell!—Well, I suppose I must +have a shy at it.—'In for a penny in for a pound!' as +we say at the Lord Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, +but, however, here goes," sending his plate across the +table to the <i>garēon</i>, who was going to help it. The first +dive of the spoon undeceived him as he heard it sound +at the bottom of the dish. "Oh lauk, what a go! All +puff, by Jove!—a regular humbug—a balloon pudding, +in short! I won't eat such stuff—give it to Mouncheer +there," rejecting the offer of a piece. "I like the solids;—will +trouble you for some of that cheese, sir, and +don't let it taste of the knive. But what do they mean +by setting the dessert on before the cloth is removed? +And here comes tea and coffee—may as well have some, +I suppose it will be all the same price. And what's this?" +eyeing a lot of liqueur glasses full of eau de vie. "Chasse-café, +Monsieur," said the <i>garēon</i>. "Chasse calf—chasse +calf—what's that? Oh, I twig—what we call 'shove in +the mouth' at the Free-and-Easy. Yes, certainly, give +me a glass." "You shall take some dessert," said the +Countess, handing him over some peaches and biscuits. +"Well, I'll try my hand at it, if it will oblege your +ladyship, but I really have had almost enough." "And +some abricot," said she, helping him to a couple of fine +juicy ones. "Oh, thank you, my lady, thank you, my +lady, I'm nearly satisfied." "Vous ne mangez pas," +said she, giving him half a plate of grapes. "Oh, my +lady, you don't understand me—I can't eat any more—I +am regularly high and dry—chock full—bursting, +in fact." Here she handed him a plate of sponge-cakes +mixed with bon-bons and macaroons, saying, "Vous +źtes un pauvre mangeur—vous ne mangez rien, Monsieur." +"Oh dear, she does not understand me, I see.—Indeed, +my lady, I cannot eat any more.—Ge woudera, +se ge could-era, mais ge can-ne-ra pas!" "Well, +now, I've travelled three hundred thousand miles, and +never heard such a bit of French as that before," said +the fat man, chuckling.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="IX" id="IX"></a> +<h3>IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS</h3> + +<p>As the grey morning mist gradually dispersed, and +daylight began to penetrate the cloud that dimmed +the four squares of glass composing the windows of +the diligence, the Yorkshireman, half-asleep and half-awake, +took a mental survey of his fellow-travellers.—Before +him sat his worthy friend, snoring away with +his mouth open, and his head, which kept bobbing over +on to the shoulder of the Countess, enveloped in the +ample folds of a white cotton nightcap.—She, too, was +asleep and, disarmed of all her daylight arts, dozed +away in tranquil security. Her mouth also was open, +exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth, and her +Madonna front having got a-twist, exposed a mixture +of brown and iron-grey hairs at the parting place. Her +bonnet swung from the roof of the diligence, and its +place was supplied by a handsome lace cap, fastened +under her chin by a broad-hemmed cambric handkerchief. +Presently the sun rose, and a bright ray shooting +into the Countess's corner, awoke her with a start, and +after a hurried glance at the passengers, who appeared +to be all asleep, she drew a small ivory-cased looking-glass +from her bag, and proceeded to examine her +features. Mr. Jorrocks awoke shortly after, and with +an awful groan exclaimed that his backbone was fairly +worn out with sitting. "Oh dear!" said he, "my behind +aches as if I had been kicked all the way from Hockleyhole +to Marylebone. Are we near Paris? for I'm sure +I can't find seat any longer, indeed I can't. I'd rather +ride two hundred miles in nine hours, like H'osbaldeston, +than be shut up in this woiture another hour. It really +is past bearing, and that's the long and short of the +matter." This exclamation roused all the party, who +began yawning and rubbing their eyes and looking at +their watches. The windows also were lowered to take +in fresh air, and on looking out they found themselves +rolling along a sandy road, lined on each side with apple-trees, +whose branches were "groaning" with fruit. They +breakfasted at Beaumont, and had a regular spread of +fish, beef-steak, mutton-chops, a large joint of hot +roast veal, roast chickens, several yards of sour bread, +grapes, peaches, pears, and plums, with vin ordinaire, +and coffee au lait; but Mr. Jorrocks was off his feed, +and stood all the time to ease his haunches.</p> + +<p>Towards three in the afternoon they caught the first +glimpse of the gilded dome of the Hospital of Invalids, +which was a signal for all the party to brush up and +make themselves agreeable. Even the three-hundred-thousand +miler opened out, and began telling some +wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess and Mr. +Jorrocks carried on a fierce flirtation, or whatever +else they pleased to call it. At last, after a deal of +jargon, he broke off by appealing to the Yorkshireman +to know what "inn" they should "put up at" in Paris. +"I don't know, I'm sure," said he; "it depends a good +deal upon how you mean to live. As you pay my shot +it does not do for beggars to be choosers; but suppose +we try Meurice's" "Oh no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "her +ladyship tells me it is werry expensive, for the English +always pay through the nose if they go to English houses +in Paris; and, as we talk French, we can put up at a +French one, you know." "Well, then, we can try one +of the French ones in the Rue de la Paix." "Rue de la +Pay! no, by Jove, that won't do for me—the werry +name is enough—no Rue de la Pay for me, at least if +I have to pay the shot." "Well, then, you must get +your friend there to tell you of some place, for I don't +care twopence, as long as I have a bed, where it is." +The Countess and he then laid their heads together +again, and when the diligence stopped to change horses +at St. Denis, Mr. Jorrocks asked the Yorkshireman to +alight, and taking him aside, announced with great glee +that her ladyship, finding they were strangers in the +land, had most kindly invited them to stay with her, +and that she had a most splendid house in the Rue des +Mauvais-Garēons, ornamented with mirrors, musical +clocks, and he didn't know what, and kept the best +company in all France, marquesses, barons, viscounts, +authors, etc. Before the Yorkshireman had time to +reply, the conducteur came and hurried them back +into the diligence, and closed the door with a bang, +to be sure of having his passengers there while he and +the postilion shuffled the cards and cut for a glass of +<i>eau-de-vie</i> apiece.</p> + +<p>The Countess, suspecting what they had been after, +resumed the conversation as soon as Mr. Jorrocks was +seated.—"You shall manger cinque fois every day," said +she; "cinque fois," she repeated.—"Humph!" said Mr. +Jorrocks to himself, "what can that mean?—cank four—four +times five's twenty—eat twenty times a day—not +possible!" "Oui, Monsieur, cinque fois," repeated +the Countess, telling the number off on her fingers—"Café +at nine of the matin, déjeuner ą la fourchette +at onze o'clock, diner at cinque heure, café at six hour, +and souper at neuf hour." "Upon my word," replied +Mr. Jorrocks, his eyes sparkling with pleasure, "your +offer is werry inwiting. My lady," said he, bowing before +her, "Je suis—I am much flattered." "And, Monsieur?" +said she, looking at the Yorkshireman. He, too, assured +her that he was very much flattered, and was beginning +to excuse himself, when the Countess interrupted him +somewhat abruptly by turning to Mr. Jorrocks and +saying, "He sall be your son—n'est ce pas?" +"No, my lady, I've no children," replied he, and the +Countess's eyes in their turn underwent a momentary +illumination.</p> + +<p>The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the man +taken up to kick about the jaded travellers' luggage at +the journey's end. While this operation was going on +in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck close to Mr. +Jorrocks, and having dispatched Agamemnon for a +fiacre, bundled him in, luggage and all, and desiring +her worthy domestic to mount the box, and direct the +driver, she kissed her hand to the Yorkshireman, assuring +him she would be most happy to see him, in proof of +which, she drove away without telling him her number, +or where the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons was.</p> + +<p>Paris is a charming place after the heat of the summer +has passed away, and the fine, clear, autumnal days +arrive. Then is the time to see the Tuileries gardens +to perfection, when the Parisians have returned from +their chāteaus, and emigrating English and those homeward +bound halt to renovate on the road; then is the +time that the gayest plants put forth their brightest +hues, and drooping orange flowers scent the air which +silvery fountains lend their aid to cool.</p> + +<p>On a Sunday afternoon, such as we have described, +our friend Mr. Stubbs (who since his arrival had been +living very comfortably at the Hōtel d'Hollande, in +expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged +in six sous' worth of chairs—one to sit upon and one +for each leg—and, John Bull-like, stretched himself +out in the shade beneath the lofty trees, to view the +gay groups who promenaded the alleys before him. First, +there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife in blue +satin, and a little boy in his hand in uniform, with a +wooden sword, a perfect miniature of the father; then +a group of short-petticoated, shuffling French women, +each with an Italian greyhound in slips, followed by +an awkward Englishman with a sister on each arm, all +stepping out like grenadiers; then came a ribbon'd +chevalier of the Legion of Honour, whose hat was +oftener in his hand than on his head, followed by a +nondescript looking militaire with fierce mustachios, in +shining jack-boots, white leathers, and a sort of Italian +military cloak, with one side thrown over the shoulder, +to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the bright scabbard of +a large sword, while on the hero's left arm hung a +splendidly dressed woman. "What a figure!" said the +Yorkshireman to himself, as they came before him, and +he took another good stare.—"Yet stay—no, impossible!—Gracious +Heaven! it can't be—and yet it is—by +Jove, it's Jorrocks!"</p> + +<p>"Why now, you old imbecile," cried he, jumping off +his chairs and running up to him, "What are you after?" +bursting into a loud laugh as he looked at Mr. Jorrocks's +mustachios (a pair of great false ones). "Is there no piece +of tomfoolery too great for you? What's come across +you now? Where the deuce did you get these things?" +taking hold of the curls at one side of his mustachios.</p> + +<p>"How now?" roared Mr. Jorrocks with rage and +astonishment. "How now! ye young scaramouch, vot +do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman in +broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality? +By Jingo," added he, his eyes sparkling with rage, "if +you are not off before I can say 'dumpling' I'll run you +through the gizzard and give your miserable carcass to +the dogs," suiting the action to the word, and groping +under his cloak for the hilt of his sword.—A crowd +collected, and the Yorkshireman perceiving symptoms +of a scene, slunk out of the mźlée, and Mr. Jorrocks, +after an indignant shake or two of his feathers and curl +of his mustachios, pursued his course up the gardens.</p> + +<p>This was the first time they had met since their +arrival, which was above a week before; indeed, it was +nine days, for the landlord of the house where the Yorkshireman +lived had sent his "little bill" two days before +this, it being an established rule of his house, and one +which was conspicuously posted in all the rooms, that +the bills were to be settled weekly; and Mr. Stubbs +had that very morning observed that the hat of Monsieur +l'Hote was not raised half so high from his head, nor +his body inclined so much towards the ground as it +was wont to be—a pretty significant hint that he +wanted his cash.—Now the Yorkshireman, among his +other accomplishments, had a turn for play, and unfortunately +had been at the Salon the night before, +when, after continuous run of ill-luck, he came away +twelve francs below the amount of the hotel-keeper's +bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr. Jorrocks could +not have taken place at a more unfortunate moment. +Thinking, however, a good night's rest or two might +settle him down, and put all matters right, he let things +alone until the Tuesday following, when again finding +Monsieur's little "memoire" on one side of his coffeecup, +and a framed copy of the "rules and regulations" +of the house on the other, he felt constrained to take +some decisive step towards its liquidation. Accordingly, +having breakfasted, he combed his hair straight over +his face, and putting on a very penitential look, called +a cab, and desired the man to drive him to the Rue +des Mauvais-Garēons.—After zigzagging, twisting, and +turning about in various directions, they at last jingled +to the end of a very narrow dirty-looking street, whose +unswept pavement had not been cheered by a ray of +sunshine since the houses were built. It was excessively +narrow, and there were no flags on either side; but +through the centre ran a dribbling stream, here and +there obstructed by oyster-shells, or vegetable refuse, +as the water had served as a plaything for children, or +been stopped by servants for domestic purposes. The +street being extremely old, of course the houses were +very large, forming, as all houses do in Paris, little +squares entered by folding doors, at one side of which, +in a sort of lodge, lives the Porter—"Parlez au Portier"—who +receives letters, parcels, and communications for +the several occupiers, consisting sometimes of twenty +or thirty different establishments in one house. From +this functionary may be learned the names of the +different tenants. Having dismissed his cab, the Yorkshireman +entered the first gateway on his left, to take +the chance of gaining some intelligence of the Countess. +The Porter—a cobbler by trade—was hammering away, +last on knee, at the sole of a shoe, and with a grin on +his countenance, informed the Yorkshireman that the +Countess lived next door but one. A thrill of fear came +over him on finding himself so near the residence of +his indignant friend, but it was of momentary duration, +and he soon entered the courtyard of No. 3—where he +was directed by an unshaved grisly-looking porter, to +proceed "un troisičme," and ring the bell at the door +on the right-hand side. Obedient to his directions, the +Yorkshireman proceeded to climb a wide but dirty +stone staircase, with carved and gilded balusters, whose +wall and steps had known no water for many years, +and at length found himself on the landing opposite +the very apartment which contained the redoubtable +Jorrocks. Here he stood for a few seconds, breathing +and cooling himself after his exertions, during which +time he pictured to himself the worthy citizen immersed +in papers deeply engaged in the preparation of his +France in three volumes, and wished that the first +five minutes of their interview were over. At length +he mustered courage to grasp a greasy-looking red +tassel, and give a gentle tinkle to the bell. The door +was quickly opened by Agamemnon in dirty loose +trousers and slippers, and without a coat. He recognised +his fellow-traveller, and in answer to his inquiry if +Monsieur Jorrocks was at home, grinned, and answered, +"Oh oui, certainement, Monsieur le Colonel Jorrockes +est ici," and motioned him to come in. The Yorkshireman +entered the little ante-room—a sort of scullery, +full of mops, pans, dirty shoes, dusters, candlesticks—and +the first thing that caught his eye was Jorrocks's +sword, which Agamemnon had been burnishing up with +sandpaper and leather, lying on a table before the +window. This was not very encouraging, but Agamemnon +gave no time for reflection, and opening half a +light salmon-coloured folding door directly opposite the +one by which he entered, the Yorkshireman passed +through, unannounced and unperceived by Mr. Jorrocks +or the Countess, who were completely absorbed in a +game of dominoes, sitting on opposite sides of a common +deal table, whose rose-coloured silk cover was laid over +the back of a chair. Jorrocks was sitting on a stool with +his back to the door, and the Countess being very intent +on the game, Mr. Stubbs had time for a hasty survey +of the company and apartment before she looked up. +It was about one o'clock, and of course she was still +<i>en déshabillé</i>, with her nightcap on, a loose <i>robe de +chambre</i> of flannel, and a flaming broad-striped red-and-black +Scotch shawl thrown over her shoulders, and +swan's-down-lined slippers on her feet. Mr. Jorrocks +had his leather pantaloons on, with a rich blue and +yellow brocade dressing-gown, and blue morocco slippers +to match. His jack-boots, to which he had added a pair +of regimental heel-spurs, were airing before a stove, +which contained the dying embers of a small log. The +room was low, and contained the usual allowance of +red figured velvet-cushioned chairs, with brass nails; +the window curtains were red-and-white on rings and +gilded rods; a secretaire stood against one of the walls, +and there was a large mirror above the marble mantelpiece, +which supported a clock surmounted by a flying +Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers covered with +glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet +of the newest and most approved fashion. The floor, +of highly polished oak, was strewed about with playbills, +slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, ribbons, +dirty handkerchiefs, etc.; and on one side of the deal +table was a plate containing five well-picked mutton-chop +bones, and hard by lay Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios +and a dirty small tooth-comb.</p> + +<p>Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his +survey, the Countess gave the finishing stroke to the +game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a rage, gave +his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipe-clay +flying into his face. "Vous avez the devil's own luck"; +exclaimed he, repeating the blow, when, to avoid the +cloud, he turned short round, and encountered the +Yorkshireman.</p> + +<p>"How now?" roared he at the top of his voice, "who +sent for you? Have you come here to insult me in my +own house? I'll lay my soul to an 'oss-shoe, I'll be too +many for ye! Where's my sword?"</p> + +<p>"Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks," replied the Yorkshireman +very mildly, "pray, don't put yourself into +a passion—consider the lady, and don't let us have +any unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's +house," making her a very low bow as he spoke, and +laying his hand on his heart.</p> + +<p>"D—n your displeasancies!" roared Jorrocks, "and +that's swearing—a thing I've never done since my +brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece of muffin. +Out with you, I say! Out with ye! you're a nasty dirty +blackguard; I'm done with you for ever. I detest the +sight of you and hate ye afresh every time I see you!"</p> + +<p>"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," interposed the +Countess, "ve sall play anoder game, and you sall had +von better chance," clapping him on the back as she +spoke. "I von't!" bellowed Jorrocks. "Turn this chap +out first. I'll do it myself. H'Agamemnon! H'Agamemnon! +happortez my sword! bring my sword! tout suite, +directly!"</p> + +<p>"Police! Police! Police!" screamed the Countess out +of the window; "Police! Police! Police!" bellowed +Agamemnon from the next one; "Police! Police! +Police!" re-echoed the grisly porter down below; and +before they had time to reflect on what had passed, a +sergeant's file of the National Guard had entered the +hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken possession of the +apartment. The sight of the soldiers with their bright +bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as they were, cooled +Mr. Jorrocks's courage in an instant, and, after standing +a few seconds in petrified astonishment, he made a +dart at his jack-boots and bolted out of the room. The +Countess Benvolio then unlocked her secretaire, in which +was a plated liqueur-stand with bottles and glasses, out +of which she poured the sergeant three, and the privates +two glasses each of pure <i>eau-de-vie,</i> after which Agamemnon +showed them the top of the stairs.</p> + +<p>In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and the +Yorkshireman was occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool. The +Countess then began putting things a little in order, +adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured cover—before +doing which she swept off Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios, +and thrust a dirty white handkerchief and the +small tooth-comb under the cushion of a chair—while +Agamemnon carried away the plate with the bones. +"Ah, le pauvre Colonel," said the Countess, eyeing the +bones as they passed, "he sall be von grand homme to +eat—him eat toujours—all day long—Oh, him mange +beaucoup—beaucoup—beaucoup. He is von varé amiable +man, bot he sall not be moch patience. I guess he sall +be varé rich—n'est ce pas? have many guinea?—He +say he keep beaucoup des chiens—many dogs for the +hont—he sail be vot dey call rom customer (rum +customer) in Angleterre, I think."</p> + +<p>Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman +all sorts of stories about the <i>pauvre</i> Colonel, whom she +seemed ready to change for a younger piece of goods +with a more moderate appetite; and finding Mr. Stubbs +more complaisant than he had been in the diligence, she +concluded by proposing that he should accompany the +Colonel and herself to a <i>soirée-dansante</i> that evening at +a friend of hers, another Countess, in the "Rue des +Bons-Enfants."</p> + +<p>Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on +condition that the Countess would effect a reconciliation +between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, for which purpose +she at once repaired to his room, and presently reappeared +arm-in-arm with our late outrageously indignant +hero. The Colonel had been occupying his time at +the toilette, and was <i>en grand costume</i>—finely cleaned +leathers, jack-boots and brass spurs, with a spick and +span new blue military frock-coat, hooking and eyeing +up to the chin, and all covered with braid, frogs, tags, +and buttons.</p> + +<p>"Dere be von beau garēon!" exclaimed the Countess, +turning him round after having led him into the middle +of the room—"dat habit does fit you like vax." "Yes," +replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising his arms as though he +were going to take flight, "but it is rather tight—partiklarly +round the waist—shouldn't like to dine in +it. What do you think of it?" turning round and addressing +the Yorkshireman as if nothing had happened—"suppose +you get one like it?" "Do," rejoined the +Countess, "and some of the other things—vot you call +them, Colonel?" "What—breeches?" "Yes, breeches—but +the oder name—vot you call dem?" "Oh, leathers?" +replied Mr. Jorrocks. "No, no, another name still." "I +know no other. Pantaloons, perhaps, you mean?" "No, +no, not pantaloons." "Not pantaloons?—then I know +of nothing else. You don't mean these sacks of things, +called trousers?" taking hold of the Yorkshireman's. +"No, no, not trousers." "Then really, my lady, I don't +know any other name." "Oh, yes, Colonel, you know +the things I intend. Vot is it you call Davil in Angleterre?" +"Oh, we have lots of names for him—Old Nick, +for instance."—"Old Nick breeches," said the Countess +thoughtfully; "no, dat sall not be it—vot else?" "Old +Harry?" replied Mr. Jorrocks.—"Old Harry breeches," +repeated the Countess in the hopes of catching the name +by the ear—"no, nor dat either, encore anoder name, +Colonel." "Old Scratch, then?" "Old Scratch breeches," +re-echoed the Countess—"no, dat shall not do."—"Beelzebub?" +rejoined Mr. Jorrocks. "Beelzebub breeches," +repeated the Countess—"nor dat." "Satan, then?" said +Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh oui!" responded the Countess with +delight, "satan! black satan breeches—you shall von +pair of black satan breeches, like the Colonel."</p> + +<p>"And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume?" +said the Yorkshireman, looking at Mr. Jorrocks.</p> + +<p>"I carn't," said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone; "I'm +nearly cleaned out, and shall be in Short's Gardens +before I know where I am, unless I hold better cards +this evening than I've done yet. Somehow or other, +these French are rather too sharp for me, and I've been +down upon my luck ever since I came.—Lose every +night, in fact, and then they are so werry anxious for +me to have my rewenge, as they call it, that they make +parties expressly for me every evening; but, instead of +getting my rewenge, I only lose more and more money.—They +seem to me always to turn up the king whenever +they want him.—To-night we are going to a Countess's +of werry great consequence, and, as you know écarté +well, I'll back your play, and, perhaps, we may do +something between us."</p> + +<p>This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his departure, +and Mr. Jorrocks having girded on his sword, +and the Countess having made her morning toilette, +they proceed to their daily promenade in the Tuileries +Gardens.</p> + +<p>A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman +again found himself toiling up the dirty staircase, and +on reaching the third landing was received by Agamemnon +in a roomy uniform of a chasseur—dark green and +tarnished gold, with a cocked-hat and black feather, +and a couteau de chasse, slung by a shining patent-leather +belt over his shoulder. The opening of the inner +door displayed the worthy Colonel sitting at his ease, +with his toes on each side of the stove (for the evenings +had begun to get cool), munching the last bit of crust +of the fifth Périgord pie that the Countess had got him +to buy.—He was extremely smart; thin black gauze-silk +stockings, black satin breeches; well-washed, well-starched +white waistcoat with a rolling collar, showing +an amplitude of frill, a blue coat with yellow buttons +and a velvet collar, while his pumps shone as bright +as polished steel.</p> + +<p>The Countess presently sidled into the room, all +smirks and smiles as dressy ladies generally are when +well "got up." Rouge and the milliner had effectually +reduced her age from five and forty down to five and +twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink satin, with +lilies of the valley in her hair, and an exquisitely wrought +gold armlet, with a most Lilliputian watch in the centre.</p> + +<p>Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pie-crust, and stuck +on his mustachios, the Countess blew out her bougies, +and the trio, preceeded by Agamemnon with a lanthorn +in his hand, descended the stairs, whose greasy, muddy +steps contrasted strangely with the rich delicacy of the +Countess's beautifully slippered feet. Having handed +them into the voiture, Agamemnon mounted up behind, +and in less than ten minutes they rumbled into +the spacious courtyard of the Countess de Jackson, in +the Rue des Bons-Enfants, and drew up beneath a lofty +arch at the foot of a long flight of dirty black-and-white +marble stairs, about the centre of which was +stationed a <i>lacquey de place</i> to show the company up +to the hall. The Countess de Jackson (the wife of an +English horse-dealer) lived in an <i>entresol au troisičme</i>, +but the hotel being of considerable dimensions, her +apartment was much more spacious than the Countess +Benvolio's. Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being a +<i>marchande des modes</i>, had occasion for greater accommodation, +and she had five low rooms, whereof the centre +one was circular, from which four others, consisting of +an ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and <i>salle ą manger</i>, +radiated.</p> + +<p>Agamemnon having opened the door of the <i>fiacre</i>, +the Countess Benvolio took the Yorkshireman's arm, +and at once preceded to make the ascent, leaving the +Colonel to settle the fare, observing as they mounted +the stairs, that he was "von exceeding excellent man, +but varé slow."</p> + +<p>"Madame la Contesse Benvolio and Monsieur Stoops!" +cried the <i>lacquey de place</i> as they reached the door of +the low ante-room, where the Countess Benvolio deposited +her shawl, and took a final look at herself in +the glass. She again took the Yorkshireman's arm and +entered the round ballroom, which, though low and out +of all proportion, had an exceedingly gay appearance, +from the judicious arrangement of the numerous lights, +reflected in costly mirrors, and the simple elegance of +the crimson drapery, festooned with flowers and evergreens +against the gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had +been the residence of an ambassador before the first +revolution, and this <i>entresol</i> had formed the private +apartment of his Excellency. The door immediately +opposite the one by which they entered, led into the +Countess de Jackson's bedroom, which was also lighted +up, with the best furniture exposed and her toilette-table +set out with numberless scent bottles, vases, +trinkets, and nick-nacks, while the <i>salle ą manger</i> was +converted into a card-room. Having been presented in +due form to the hostess, the Yorkshireman and his new +friend stood surveying the gay crowd of beautiful and +well-dressed women, large frilled and well-whiskered +men, all chatting, and bowing, and dancing, when a +half-suppressed titter that ran through the room +attracted their attention, and turning round, Mr. +Jorrocks was seen poking his way through the crowd +with a number of straws sticking to his feet, giving him +the appearance of a feathered Mercury. The fact was, +that Agamemnon had cleaned his shoes with the liquid +varnish (french polish), and forgetting to dry it properly, +the carrying away half the straw from the bottom +of the <i>fiacre</i> was the consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks +having paid the Jehu rather short, the latter had not +cared to tell him about it.</p> + +<p>The straws were, however, soon removed without +interruption to the gaiety of the evening. Mr. Stubbs, +of course, took an early opportunity of waltzing with +the Countess Benvolio, who, as all French women are, +was an admirable dancer, and Jorrocks stood by fingering +and curling his mustachios, admiring her movements +but apparently rather jealous of the Yorkshireman. "I +wish," said he after the dance was over, "that you +would sit down at <i>écarté</i> and let us try to win some of +these mouncheers' tin, for I'm nearly cleaned out. Let +us go into the cardroom, but first let us see if we can +find anything in the way of nourishment, for I begin +to be hungry. Garsoon," said he catching a servant +with a trayful of <i>eau sucrée</i> glasses, "avez-vous kick-shaws +to eat?" putting his finger in his mouth—"ge +wouderay some refreshment." "Oh, oui," replied the +garēon taking him to an open window overlooking the +courtyard, and extending his hand in the air, "voilą, +monsieur, de trčs bon rafraīchissement."</p> + +<p>The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for +though composed of shopkeepers and such like, there +was nothing in their dress or manner to indicate anything +but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks, indeed, +fancied himself in the very élite of French society, +and, but for a little incident, would have remained of +that opinion. In an unlucky moment he took it into +his head he could waltz, and surprised the Countess +Benvolio by claiming her hand for the next dance. "It +seems werry easy," said he to himself as he eyed the +couples gliding round the room;—"at all ewents there's +nothing like trying, 'for he who never makes an effort +never risks a failure.'" The couples were soon formed +and ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a conspicuous +position in the centre of the room, buttoned +his coat, and, as the music struck up, put his arm round +the waist of his partner. The Countess, it seems, had +some misgivings as to his prowess in the dancing line, +and used all her strength to get him well off, but the +majority of the dancers started before him. At length, +however, he began to move, and went rolling away in +something between a gallop and a waltz, effecting two +turns, like a great cart-wheel, which brought him bang +across the room, right into the track of another couple, +who were swinging down at full speed, making a cannon +with his head against both theirs, and ending by all +four coming down upon the hard boards with a tremendous +crash—the Countess Benvolio undermost, then +the partner of the other Countess, then Jorrocks, and +then the other Countess herself. Great was the commotion, +and the music stopped; Jorrocks lost his wig, +and split his Beelzebub breeches across the knees, +while the other gentleman cracked his behind—and the +Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were considerably +damaged; particularly the other Countess, +who lost four false teeth and broke an ear-ring. This, +however, was not the worst, for as soon as they were all +scraped together and set right again, the other Countess's +partner attacked Jorrocks most furiously, calling him a +<i>sacré-nom de-Dieu'd bźte</i> of an Englishman, a mauvais +sujet, a cochon, etc., then spitting on the floor—the +greatest insult a Frenchman can offer—he vapoured +about being one of the "grand nation," "that he was +brave—the world knew it," and concluded by thrusting +his card—"Monsieur Charles Adolphe Eugene, Confiturier, +No. 15 bis, Rue Poupée"—into Jorrocks's face. +It was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling his +fists, and getting close to him, he held one to his nose, +exclaiming, "D—n ye, sir, je suis—JORROCKS!—Je suis +an Englishman! je vous lick within an inch of your life! +—Je vous kick!—je vous mill!—je vous flabbergaster!" +and concluded by giving him his card, "Monsieur le +Colonel Jorrocks, No 3, Rue des Mauvais-Garēons."</p> + +<p>A friend of the confectioner's interposed and got him +away, and Mr. Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to return +into the cardroom, where they were speedily waited +upon by the friend of the former, who announced that +the Colonel must make an apology or fight, for he said, +although Jorrocks was a "Colonel Anglais," still Monsieur +Eugene was of the Legion of Honour, and, consequently, +very brave and not to be insulted with impunity. +All this the Yorkshireman interpreted to Mr. +Jorrocks, who was most anxious to fight, and wished it +was light that they might go to work immediately. Mr. +Stubbs therefore told the confectioner's friend (who was +also his foreman), that the Colonel would fight him with +pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but no +sooner was the word "pistols" mentioned than the +friend exclaimed, with a grimace and shrug of his +shoulders, "Oh horror, no! Monsieur Adolphe is brave, +but he will not touch pistols—they're not weapons +of his country." Jorrocks then proposed to fight him +with broad swords, but this the confectioner's foreman +declined on behalf of his principal, and at last the +Colonel suggested that they could not do better than +fight it out with fists. Now, the confectioner was ten +years younger than Jorrocks, tall, long-armed, and not +over-burthened with flesh, and had, moreover, taken +lessons of Harry Harmer, when that worthy had his +school in Paris, so he thought the offer was a good one, +and immediately closed with it. Jorrocks, too, had been +a patron of the prize-ring, having studied under Bill +Richmond, the man of colour, and was reported to have +exhibited in early life (incog.) with a pugilist of some +pretensions at the Fives-court, so, all things considered, +fists seemed a very proper mode of settling the matter, +and that being agreed upon, each party quitted the +Countess de Jackson's—the confectioner putting forth +all manner of high-flown ejaculations and prayers for +success, as he groped about the ante-room for his hat, +and descended the stairs. "Oh! God of war!" said he, +throwing up his hands, "who guided the victorious +army of this grand nation in Egypt, when, from the +pyramids, forty centuries beheld our actions—oh, +brilliant sun, who shone upon our armies at Jaffa, +at Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz, Jena, and +Algiers, who blessed our endeavours, who knowest that +we are brave—brave as a hundred lions—look down on +Charles Adolphe Eugene, and enable him to massacre +and immolate on the altar of his wrath, this sacré-nom +de-Dieu'd beastly hog of an Englishman"—and thereupon +he spit upon the flags with all the venom of a +viper.</p> + +<p>Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech, as +he poked his way home, though of a different description. +"Now blister my kidneys," said he, slapping his thigh, +"but I'll sarve him out! I'll baste him as Randall did +ugly Borrock. I'll knock him about as Belcher did the +Big Ilkey Pigg. I'll damage his mug as Turner did +Scroggins's. I'll fib him till he's as black as Agamemnon—for +I do feel as though I could fight a few."</p> + +<br><br> + +<p>The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at the +Hōtel d'Hollande had not received their morning opening, +when a tremendous loud, long, protracted rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +sounded like thunder throughout the extensive +square, and brought numerous nightcapped heads +to the windows, to see whether the hotel was on fire, +or another revolution had broken out. The <i>maītre d'hotel</i> +screamed, the porter ran, the <i>chef de cuisine</i> looked out +of his pigeon-hole window, and the <i>garēons</i> and male +<i>femmes des chambres</i> rushed into the yard, with fear +and astonishment depicted on their countenances, when +on peeping through the grating of the little door, Mr. +Jorrocks was descried, knocker in hand, about to sound +a second edition. Now, nothing is more offensive to the +nerves of a Frenchman than a riotous knock, and the +impertinence was not at all migitated by its proceeding +from a stranger who appeared to have arrived through +the undignified medium of a co-cou.<a id="footnotetag23" name="footnotetag23"></a><a href="#footnote23"><sup>23</sup></a> Having scanned +his dimensions and satisfied himself that, notwithstanding +all the noise, Jorrocks was mere mortal man, the +porter unbolted the door, and commenced a loud and +energetic tirade of abuse against "Monsieur Anglais," +for his audacious thumping, which he swore was enough +to make every man of the National Guard rush "to arms." +In the midst of the torrent, very little of which Mr. +Jorrocks understood, the Yorkshireman appeared, whom +he hurried into the <i>co-cou</i>, bundled in after him, cried +"ally!" to the driver, and off they jolted at a miserably +slow trot. A little before seven they reached the village +of Passy, where it was arranged they should meet and +proceed from thence to the Bois de Boulogne, to select +a convenient place for the fight; but neither the confectioner +nor his second, nor any one on his behalf, was +visible and they walked the length and breadth of the +village, making every possible inquiry without seeing +or hearing anything of them. At length, having waited +a couple of hours, Mr. Jorrocks's appetite overpowered +his desire of revenge, and caused him to retire to the +"Chapeau-Rouge" to indulge in a "fork breakfast." +Nature being satisfied, he called for pen and ink, and +with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew up the following proclamation +which to this day remains posted in the <i>salle +ą manger</i> a copy whereof was transmitted by post to +the confectioner at Paris.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote23" name="footnote23"></a><b>Footnote 23:</b><a href="#footnotetag23"> (return) </a> <i>Co-cous</i> are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs of +Paris. They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young +Diligence.</blockquote> + + +<blockquote><p> +PROCLAMATION!</p> + +<p>I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram Street, in the County +of Middlesex, Member of the Surrey Hunt, in England, +and Colonel of the Army when I'm in France, having +been grossly insulted by Charles Adolphe Eugene of +No. 15 bis, Rue Poupée, confectioner, this day repaired to +Passy, with the intention of sarving him out with my fists; +but, neither he nor any one for him having come to the +scratch, I, John Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said +Charles Adolphe Eugene to be a shabby fellow and no +soldier, and totally unworthy the notice of a fox-hunter +and a gentleman sportsman.</p> + +<p>(Signed) JOHN JORROCKS.</p> + +<p>(Countersigned) STUBBS. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This being completed, and the bill paid, they returned +leisurely on foot to Paris, looking first at one object, +then at another, so that the Countess Benvolio's dinner-hour +was passed ere they reached the Tuileries Gardens, +where after resting themselves until it began to get +dusk, and their appetites returned, they repaired to +the Café de Paris to destroy them again.—The lofty +well-gilded salon was just lighted up, and the numberless +lamps reflected in costly mirrors in almost every partition +of the wall, aided by the graceful figures and elegant +dresses of the ladies, interspersed among the +sombre-coated gentry, with here and there the gay +uniforms of the military, imparted a fairy air to the scene, +which was not a little heightened by the contrast produced +by Mr. Jorrocks's substantial figure, stumping through +the centre with his hat on his head, his hands behind his +back, and the dust of the day hanging about his Hessians.</p> + +<p>"Garsoon," said he, hanging up his hat, and taking +his place at a vacant table laid for two, "ge wouderai +some wittles," and, accordingly, the spruce-jacketed, +white-aproned <i>garēon</i> brought him the usual red-backed +book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the +side, like the index to a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks +said, "containing reading enough for a month." "Quelle +potage voulez vous, monsieur?" inquired the <i>garēon</i> at +last, tired of waiting while he studied the <i>carte</i> and +looked the words out in the dictionary. "<i>Avez-vous</i> any +potted lobster?" "Non," said the <i>garēon</i>, "potage au +vermicelle, au riz, a la Julienne, consommé, et potage +aux choux." "Old shoe! who the devil do you think +eats old shoes here? Have you any mock turtle or +gravy soup?" "Non, monsieur," said the <i>garēon</i> with +a shrug of the shoulders. "Then avez-vous any roast +beef?" "Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au naturel—boeuf +ą la sauce piquante—boeuf aux cornichons—boeuf +ą la mode—boeuf aux choux—boeuf ą la sauce +tomate—bifteck aux pommes de terre." "Hold hard," +said Jorrocks; "I've often heard that you can dress an +egg a thousand ways, and I want to hear no more +about it; bring me a beef-steak and pommes de terre +for three." "Stop!" cried Mr. Stubbs, with dismay—"I +see you don't understand ordering a dinner in France +—let me teach you. Where's the <i>carte?</i>" "Here," said +Mr. Jorrocks, "is 'the bill of lading,'" handing over the +book.—"Garēon, apportez une douzaine des huītres, un +citron, et du beurre frais," said the Yorkshireman, and +while they were discussing the propriety of eating them +before or after the soup, a beautiful dish of little green +oysters made their appearance, which were encored before +the first supply was finished. "Now, Colonel," said +the Yorkshireman, "take a bumper of Chablis," lifting +a pint bottle out of the cooler. "It has had one plunge +in the ice-pail and no more—see what a delicate rind +it leaves on the glass!" eyeing it as he spoke. "Ay, but +I'd rayther it should leave something in the mouth than +on the side of the glass," replied Mr. Jorrocks; "I loves +a good strong generous wine—military port, in fact—but +here comes fish and soup—wot are they?" "Filet +de sole au gratin, et potage au macaroni avec fromage +de Parmesan. I'll take fish first, because the soup will +keep hot longest." "So will I," said Mr. Jorrocks, "for +I think you understand the thing—but they seem to +give werry small penn'orths—it really looks like trifling +with one's appetite—I likes the old joint—the cut-and-come-again +system, such as we used to have at Sugden's +in Cornhill—joint, wegitables, and cheese all for two +shillings." "Don't talk of your joints here," rejoined +the Yorkshireman—"I told you before, you don't understand +the art of eating—the dexterity of the thing +consists in titivating the appetite with delicate morsels +so as to prolong the pleasure. A well-regulated French +dinner lasts two hours, whereas you go off at score, and +take the shine out of yourself before you turn the +Tattenham Corner of your appetite. But come, take +another glass of Chablis, for your voice is husky as though +your throat was full of dust.—Will you eat some of +this boulli-vert?" "No, not no bouleward for me thank +ye." "Well, then, we will have the 'entrée de boeuf—beef +with sauce tomate—and there is a cōtelette de veau +en papillotte;—which will you take?" "I'll trouble the +beef, I think; I don't like that 'ere pantaloon cutlet much, +the skin is so tough." "Oh, but you don't eat the paper, +man; that is only put on to keep this nice layer of fat +ham from melting; take some, if it is only that you may +enjoy a glass of champagne after it. There is no meat +like veal for paving the way for a glass of champagne." +"Well, I don't care if I do, now you have explained how +to eat it, for I've really been troubled with indigestion +all day from eating one wholesale yesterday; but don't +you stand potatoes—pommes de terre, as we say in +France?" "Oh yes, fried, and ą la maītre d'hotel; here +they come, smoking hot. Now, J—— for a glass of +champagne—take it out of the pail—nay, man! not +with both hands round the middle, unless you like it +warm—by the neck, so," showing him how to do it +and pouring him a glass of still champagne. "This won't +do," said Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle; "garsoon! +garsoon!—no good—no bon—no fizzay, no fizzay," +giving the bottom of the bottle a slap with his hand to +rouse it. "Oh, but this is still champagne," explained +the Yorkshireman, "and far the best." "I don't think +so," retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the glass into his +water-stand. "Well, then, have a bottle of the other," +rejoined the Yorkshireman, ordering one. "And who's +to pay for it?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh, never mind +that—care killed the cat—give a loose to pleasure for +once, for it's a poor heart that never rejoices. Here it +comes, and 'may you never know what it is to want,' +as the beggar boys say.—Now, let's see you treat it +like a philosopher—the wire is off, so you've nothing +to do but cut the string, and press the cork on one side +with your thumb.—Nay! you've cut both sides!" Fizz, +pop, bang, and away went the cork close past the +ear of an old deaf general, and bounded against the +wall.—"Come, there's no mischief done, so pour out +the wine.—Your good health, old boy, may you live +for a thousand years, and I be there to count them! +—Now, that's what I call good," observed the Yorkshireman, +holding up his glass, "see how it dulls the +glass, even to the rim—champagne isn't worth a copper +unless it's iced—is it, Colonel?" "Vy, I don't know—carn't +say I like it so werry cold; it makes my teeth +chatter, and cools my courage as it gets below—champagne +certainly gives one werry gentlemanly ideas, but +for a continuance, I don't know but I should prefer +mild hale." "You're right, old boy, it does give one very +gentlemanly ideas, so take another glass, and you'll +fancy yourself an emperor.—Your good health again." +"The same to you, sir. And now wot do you call this +chap?" "That is a quail, the other a snipe—which will +you take?" "Vy, a bit of both, I think; and do you +eat these chaps with them?" "Yes, nothing nicer—artichokes +į la sauce blanche; you get the real eating +part, you see, by having them sent up this way, instead +of like haystacks, as they come in England, diving and +burning your fingers amid an infinity of leaves." "They +are werry pretty eating, I must confess; and this upper +Binjamin of ham the birds are cooked in is delicious. I'll +trouble you for another plateful." "That's right, Colonel, +you are yourself again. I always thought you would come +back into the right course; and now you are good for a +glass of claret of light Hermitage. Come, buck up, and +give a loose to pleasure for once." "For once, ay, that's +what you always say; but your once comes so werry +often." "Say no more.—Garēon! un demi-bouteille de +St. Julien; and here, J——, is a dish upon which I will +stake my credit as an experienced caterer—a Charlotte +de pommes—upon my reputation it is a fine one, the +crust is browned to a turn, and the rich apricot sweet-meat +lies ensconced in the middle, like a sleeping babe +in its cradle. If ever man deserved a peerage and a +pension it is this cook." "It's werry delicious—order +another." "Oh, your eyes are bigger than your stomach, +Mr. J——. According to all mathematical calculations, +this will more than suffice. Ay, I thought so—you are +regularly at a stand-still. Take a glass of whatever you +like. Good—I'll drink Chablis to your champagne. And +now, that there may be no mistake as to our country, +we will have some cheese—fromage de Roquefort, +Gruyčre, Neufchatel, or whatever you like—and a +beaker of Burgundy after, and then remove the cloth, +for I hate dabbling in dowlas after dinner is done." +"Rum beggars these French," said Mr. Jorrocks to +himself, laying down the newspaper, and taking a sip +of Churchman's chocolate, as on the Sunday morning +he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls and +butter, with <i>Galignani's Messenger</i>, for breakfast.</p> + +<p>"Rum beggars, indeed," said he, resuming the paper, +and reading the programme of the amusements for the +day, commencing with the hour of Protestant service +at the Ambassador's Chapel, followed on by Palace and +Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal—Review with +Military Music in the Place du Carousel—Horse-races +in the Champs de Mars—Fźte in the Park of +St. Cloud—Combat d'Animaux, that is to say, dog-fighting and +bull-baiting, at the Barričre du Combat, Tivoli, etc., etc., +"It's not werry right, but I suppose at Rome we must +do as Romans do," with which comfortable reflection +Mr. Jorrocks proposed that the Countess and he should +go to the races. Madame was not partial to animals of +any description, but having got a new hat and feathers +she consented to show them, on condition that they +adjoined to the fźte at St. Cloud in the evening.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a neighbouring +English livery-stable drew up a dark-coloured +job cab, with a red-and-white striped calico lining, +drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse, at the +Countess's gateway in the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons, +into which Mr. Jorrocks having handed her ladyship, +and Agamemnon, who was attired in his chasseur +uniform, having climbed up behind, the old horse, +after two or three flourishes of his dirty white tail, +as a sort of acknowledgment of the whip on his sides, +got himself into motion, and proceeded on his way to +the races. The Countess being resolved to cut a dash, +had persuaded our hero to add a smart second-hand +cocked-hat, with a flowing red-and-white feather, to the +rest of his military attire; and the end of a scarlet handkerchief, +peeping out at the breast of his embroidered +frock-coat, gave him the appearance of wearing a decoration, +and procured him the usual salute from the soldiers +and veterans of the Hospital of Invalids, who were +lounging about the ramparts and walks of the edifice. +The Countess's costume was simple and elegant; a sky-blue +satin pelisse with boots to match, and a white +satin bonnet with white feathers, tipped with blue, and +delicate primrose-coloured gloves. Of course the head +of the cab was well thrown back to exhibit the elegant +inmates to the world.</p> + +<p>Great respect is paid to the military in France, as +Mr. Jorrocks found by all the hack, cab, and <i>fiacre +</i> drivers pulling up and making way for him to pass, +as the old crocodile-backed white horse slowly dragged +its long length to the gateway of the Champ de Mars. +Here the guard, both horse and foot, saluted him, +which he politely acknowledged, under direction of the +Countess, by raising his <i>chapeau bras</i>, and a subaltern +was dispatched by the officer in command to conduct +him to the place appointed for the carriages to stand. But +for this piece of attention Mr. Jorrocks would certainly +have drawn up at the splendid building of the École +Militaire, standing as it does like a grand stand in the +centre of the gravelly dusty plain of the Champ de Mars. +The officer, having speared his way through the crowd +with the usual courtesy of a Frenchman, at length drew +up the cab in a long line of anonymous vehicles under +the rows of stunted elms by the stone-lined ditch, on +the southern side of the plain when, turning his charger +round, he saluted Mr. Jorrocks, and bumped off at a +trot. Mr. Jorrocks then stuck the pig-driving whip into +the socket, and throwing forward the apron, handed +out the Countess, and installed Agamemnon in the cab.</p> + +<p>A fine day and a crowd make the French people +thoroughly happy, and on this afternoon the sun shone +brightly and warmly on the land;—still there was no +apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the +multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon the +plain, or lined the grass-burnt mounds at the sides, in +most independent parties. The Champ de Mars forms +a regular parallelogram of 2700 feet by 1320, and the +course, which is of an oblong form, comprises a circuit +of the whole, and is marked out with strong posts and +ropes. Within the course, equestrians—or more properly +speaking, "men on horseback"—are admitted under the +surveillance of a regiment of cavalry, while infantry +and cavalry are placed in all directions with drawn +swords and fixed bayonets to preserve order. Being a +gravelly sandy soil, in almost daily requisition for the +exercise and training of troops, no symptoms of vegetation +can be expected, and the course is as hard as the +ride in Rotten Row or up to Kensington Gardens.</p> + +<p>About the centre of the south side, near where the +carriages were drawn up, a few temporary stands were +erected for the royal family and visitors, the stand for +the former being in the centre, and hung with scarlet +and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully arranged +with tri-coloured drapery. These are entered by tickets +only, but there are always plenty of platforms formed +by tables and "chaises ą louer" (chairs to let) for those +who don't mind risking their necks for a sight. Some few +itinerants tramped about the plain, offering alternately +tooth-picks, play-bills, and race-lists for sale. Mr. Jorrocks, +of course, purchased one of the latter, which was decorated +at the top with a woodcut, representing three +jockeys riding two horses, one with a whip as big as a +broad sword. We append the list as a +specimen of "Sporting in France," which, we are sorry to +see, does not run into our pages quite so cleverly as our +printer could wish.<a id="footnotetag24" name="footnotetag24"></a><a href="#footnote24"><sup>24</sup></a></p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote24" name="footnote24"></a><b>Footnote 24:</b><a href="#footnotetag24"> (return) </a> Racing in France is, of course, now a very different business +to the primitive sport it was when this sketch was written.—EDITOR.</blockquote> + +<p>Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every good-looking +horse, and every well-built carriage, met on the +Continent, as their own, but we think that few would +be ambitious of laying claim to the honour of supplying +France with jockeys or racehorses. Mr. Jorrocks, indeed, +indifferent as he is to the affairs of the turf, could not +suppress his "conwiction" of the difference between +the flibberty-gibberty appearance of the Frenchmen, +and the quiet, easy, close-sitting jockeys of Newmarket. +The former all legs and elbows, spurting and pushing +to the front at starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and +nankeen shorts, just like the frowsy door-keepers of an +Epsom gambling-booth; the latter in clean, neat-fitting +leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new jackets, +feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the rear, with +their whip hands resting on their thighs. Then such +riding! A hulking Norman with his knees up to his +chin, and a long lean half-starved looking Frenchman sat +astride like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to +his knees before starting, followed by a runaway English +stable lad, in white cords and drab gaiters, and half a +dozen others equally singular, spurring and tearing +round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into +each other's faces, until the field was so separated as +to render it difficult to say which was leading and which +was tailing, for it is one of the rules of their races, that +each heat must be run in a certain time, consequently, +though all the horses may be distanced, the winner keeps +working away. Then what an absence of interest and +enthusiasm on the part of the spectators! Three-fourths +of them did not know where the horses started, scarcely +a man knew their names, and the few tenpenny bets +that were made, were sported upon the colour of the +jackets. A Frenchman has no notion of racing, and it +is on record that after a heat in which the winning horse, +after making a waiting race, ran in at the finish, a Parisian +observed, that "although 'Annette' had won at +the finish, he thought the greater honour was due to +'Hercule,' he having kept the lead the greater part of +the distance." On someone explaining to him that the +jockey on Annette had purposely made a waiting race, he +was totally incredulous, asserting that he was sure the +jockeys had too much <i>amour-propre</i> to remain in the +rear at any part of the race, when they might be in front.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="X" id="X"></a> +<h3>X. SPORTING IN FRANCE</h3> +<br> +<p class="mid"><img alt="" src="images/01.png"></p> +<p class="mid"><a href="images/02.png">(View full size)</a></p> +<br> +<p>"Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, curling +his mustachios and jingling a handful of five-franc +pieces in the pocket of his leathers—"moderate sport +indeed," and therefore he turned his back to the course +and walked the Countess off towards the cab.</p> + +<p>From beneath a low tenth-rate-looking booth, called +"The Cottage of Content," supported by poles placed +on the stunted trees of the avenue, and exhibiting on +a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in British beer," in +gilt letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring +about odds, and weights and scales, and on looking in, +a score of ragamuffin-looking grooms, imitation jockeys, +and the usual hangers-on of the racehorses and livery-stables, +were seen drinking beer, smoking, playing at +cards, dice, and chuck-farthing. Before the well-patched +canvas curtain that flapped before the entrance, a crowd +had collected round one of the horses which was in the +care of five or six fellows, one to hold him, another to +whistle to him, a third to whisk the flies away with a +horse's tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his +mouth out,—while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking +fellow, in his shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue +apron and trousers (more like a gardener than a groom), +walked round and round with mystified dignity, sacréing +and muttering, "Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas," as +anyone approached who seemed likely to ask questions. +Mr. Jorrocks, having well ascertained the importance +of his hat and feather, pushed his way with the greatest +coolness into the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse +and see whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and +the stud-groom immediately took off his lavender-coloured +foraging cap, and made two profound salaams, +one to the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr. +Jorrocks, all politeness, took off his <i>chapeau</i>, and no +sooner was it in the air, than with a wild exclamation +of surprise and delight, the groom screamed, "Oh, Monsieur +Shorrock, mon ami, comment vous portez vous?" +threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed +him on each cheek.</p> + +<p>"Hold!" roared the Colonel, half smothered in the +embrace, and disengaging himself he drew back a few +paces, putting his hand on the hilt of his sword, when +in the training groom of Paris he recognised his friend +the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the incident +disarmed Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being a man +of impulse and warm affections, he at once forgave the +novelty of the embrace, and most cordially joined hands +with those of his friend. They then struck up a mixture +of broken English and equally broken French, in mutual +inquiries after each other's healths and movements, and +presuming that Mr. Jorrocks was following up the sporting +trade in Paris, the Baron most considerately gave +him his best recommendations which horse to back, +kindly betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, +at each time assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. +At length, being completely cleaned out, he declined +any further transactions, and having got the Countess +into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself, when +someone took him by the sword as he was hoisting +himself up by the wooden apron, and drew him back +to the ground. "Holloa, Stubbs, my boy!" cried he, +"I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out his hand, +and thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the +Countess. "Well now, the deuce be in these French," +observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an undertone +as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm +through the Yorkshireman's and drew out of hearing +of the Countess behind the cab—"the deuce be in them. +I say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met at Newmarket +has just diddled me out of four Naps and a +half, by getting me to back 'osses that he said were +certain to win, and I really don't know how we are to +make 'tongue and buckle' meet, as the coachmen say. +Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. +Cards, dominoes, dice, backgammon, and racing, all +one—they inwariably beat me, and I declare I haven't +as much pewter as will coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, +as may be supposed, was not in a condition +of any great pecuniary assistance, but after a turn +or two along the mound, he felt it would be a reproach +on his country if he suffered his friend to be done by +a Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a +trick that Monsieur would not be up to. Accordingly, +desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to the Baron, and +behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal +he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, +who, after some trouble, they discovered in the "Cottage +of Content," entertaining John Jones and his comrades +with an account of the manner in which he had fleeced +Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshireman met him with +the greatest delight, shook hands with him over and +over again, and then began talking about racing, pigeon-shooting, +and Newmarket, pretended to be full of +money, and very anxious for the Baron's advice in +laying it out. On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him +to retire, and joining him in the avenue, walked him +up and down, while he recommended his backing a +horse that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman +consented, lost a Nap with great good humour, and +banteringly told the Baron he thought he could beat +the horse on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing +and at last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. +Jorrocks would run fifty yards with him on his back, +before the Baron would run a hundred. Upon this the +Baron scratched his head and looked very knowing, +pretended to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman +affected fear, and professed his readiness to withdraw +the offer. The Baron then plucked up his courage, +and after some haggling, the match was made for six +Naps, the Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might +have ten francs in addition to what he had won of Mr. +Jorrocks and himself. The money was then deposited +in the hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went +the trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and +ropes to measure and keep the ground. The English +jockeys and lads, though ready enough to pigeon a +countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting a +foreigner to do so, unless they share in the spoil, and +the Baron being a notorious screw, they all seemed +heartily glad to find him in a trap. Out then they all +sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while John Jones, with +a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded to measure a hundred +yards along the low side of the mound. This +species of amusement being far more in accordance +with the taste of the French than anything in which +horses are concerned, an immense mob flocked to the +scene, and the Baron having explained how it was, +and being considered a safe man to follow, numerous +offers were made to bet against the performance of the +match. The Yorkshireman being a youth of discretion +and accustomed to bet among strangers, got on five +Naps more with different parties, who to "prevent +accidents" submitted to deposit the money with the +Countess, and all things being adjusted, and the course +cleared by a picket of infantry, Mr. Jorrocks ungirded +his sword, and depositing it with his frock-coat in the +cab, walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start. +"Now, Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him +to the mound, so that he might leap on without shaking +him, "put your best leg first, and it's a hollow thing; +if you don't fall, you must win,"—and thereupon taking +Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather from his head, +he put it sideways on his own, so that he might not be +recognised, and mounted his man. Mr. Jorrocks then +took his place as directed by John Jones, and at a signal +from him—the dropping of a blue cotton handkerchief—away +they started amid the shouts, the clapping +of hands, and applause of the spectators, who covered +the mound and lined the course on either side. Mr. +Jorrocks's action was not very capital, his jack-boots +and leathers rather impeding his limbs, while the Baron +had as little on him as decency would allow. The Yorkshireman +feeling his man rather roll at the start, again +cautioned him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards +he got into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron +came tearing along like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks +had full two yards to spare, and ran past the soldier, who +stood with his cap on his bayonet as a winning-post, +amid the applause of his backers, the yells of his +opponents, and the general acclamation of the spectators.</p> + +<p>The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, +had dispatched Agamemnon early in the day for a +chaplet of red-and-yellow immortelles, and having +switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, +she gracefully descended, without showing more of her +foot and ankle than was strictly correct, and decorated +his brow with the wreath, as the Yorkshireman dismounted. +Enthusiasm being always the order of the +day in France, this act was greeted with the loudest +acclamations, and, without giving him time to recover +his wind, the populace bundled Mr. Jorrocks neck and +shoulders into the cab, and seizing the old horse by the +head, paraded him down the entire length of the Champ +de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks bowing and kissing his hands to +the assembled multitude, in return for the vivas! the +clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and handkerchiefs +that greeted him as he went.</p> + +<p>Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country +more fickle than in France. Ere the procession reached +the end of the dusty plain, the mob had tailed off very +considerably, and as the leader of the old white horse +pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the +distance, caused by the apprehension of a couple of +pickpockets, drew away the few followers that remained, +and the recently applauded and belauded Mr. Jorrocks +was left alone in his glory. He then pulled up, and taking +the chaplet of immortelles from his brow, thrust it +under the driving cushion of the cab, and proceeded +to reinstate himself in his tight military frock, re-gird +himself with his sword, and resume the cocked hat and +feather.</p> + +<p>Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, +and, had a pen and ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would +have endorsed him a bill for any amount. Having completed +his toilette he gave the Yorkshireman the vacant +seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the +ears with the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up +the line he had recently passed in triumphal procession, +and wormed his way among the crowd in search of the +Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of +her, and after driving about, and poking his way on +foot into all the crowds he could find, bolting up to +every lady in blue, he looked at his great double-cased +gold repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and +recollecting the fźte of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship +must have gone on, and Agamemnon being anxious +to see it, of course was of the same opinion; so, again +flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut away +down the Champ de Mars, and by the direction of +Agamemnon crossed the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, +and gained the route to Versailles.</p> + +<p>Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the +road swarmed with voitures of every description, diligences, +gondoles, co-cous, cabs, fiacres, omnibuses, +dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, occasionally +interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light +English cab or tilbury, drawn by a thoroughbred, and +driven by a dandy. The spirit of the old white horse +even seemed roused as he got among the carriages +and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of +bells round the necks of other horses, and he applied +himself to the shafts with a vigour his enfeebled-looking +frame appeared incapable of supplying. So they +trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's pace +after they got into close line, they reached the porte +Maillot, and resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, +Mr. Jorrocks got himself brushed over by +one of the gentry who ply in that profession at all +public places, and tucking his sword under one arm, +he thrust the other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-Bull-like, +strutted up the long broad grass avenue, +through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud, as if +all he saw belonged to himself. The scene was splendid, +and nature, art, and the weather appeared confederated +for effect. On the lofty heights arose the stately place, +looking down with placid grandeur on the full foliage +of the venerable trees, over the beautiful gardens, the +spouting fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay +and countless myriads that swarmed the avenues, +while the circling river flowed calmly on, without a +ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of +trumpets, the clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums, +that rent the air around.</p> + +<p>Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every +description—wild beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, +mountebanks, and monsters, while in spots sheltered +from the sun by lofty trees were dancing-places, swings, +roundabouts, archery-butts, pistol-ranges, ball-kicking +and head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants +of fairs and fźtes—beating "Bartlemy Fair," +as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, "all to nothing."</p> + +<p>The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in such +a multitude was very remote indeed, but, to tell the +truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought of her, until +having eat a couple of cold fowls and drank a bottle +of porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for +his purse, and remembered it was in her keeping. Mr. +Stubbs, however, settled the account, and in high glee +Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, visiting first +one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, then +dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short +before a splendid green-and-gold roundabout, whose +magic circle contained two lions, two swans, two black +horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. "Let's have a ride," said +he, jumping on to one of the black horses and adjusting +the stirrups to his length. The party was soon made up, +and as the last comer crossed his tiger, the engine was +propelled by the boys in the centre, and away they went +at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr. Jorrocks lost his head, +turned completely giddy, and bellowed out to them to +stop. They took no heed—all the rest were used to it—and +after divers yells and ineffectual efforts to dismount, +he fell to the ground like a sack. The machine +was in full work at the time, and swept round three +or four times before they could stop it. At last Mr. +Stubbs got to him, and a pitiable plight he was in. He +had fallen on his head, broken his feather, crushed his +chapeau bras, lost off his mustachios, was as pale as +death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident happened +near the gate leading to the town of St. Cloud, and +thither, with the aid of two gendarmes, Mr. Stubbs +conveyed the fallen hero, and having put him to bed +at the Hōtel d'Angleterre, he sent for a "médecin," who +of course shook his head, looked very wise, ordered him +to drink warm water—a never-failing specific in France—and +keep quiet. Finding he had an Englishman for +a patient, the "médecin" dropped in every two hours, +always concluding with the order "encore l'eau chaud." +A good sleep did more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, +and when the "médecin" called in the morning, and repeated +the injunction "encore l'eau chaud," he bellowed +out, "Cuss your <i>l'eau chaud</i>, my stomach ain't a reserwoir! +Give me some wittles!" The return of his appetite +being a most favourable symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged +the doctor, and forthwith ordered a <i>déjeuner +ą la fourchette</i>, to which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty fair +justice, though trifling in comparison with his usual performances. +They then got into a Versailles diligence +that stopped at the door, and rattling along at a merry +pace, very soon reached Paris and the Rue des Mauvais-Garēons.</p> + +<p>"Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks +as they arrived at the bottom of the flight of dirty +stairs, and, with his hands behind his back and his +sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and +opening the outer door entered the apartment. He +passed through the small ante-room without observing +his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, and there +being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he +walked forward into the bedroom beyond.</p> + +<p>Before an English fire-place that Mr. Jorrocks himself +had been at the expense of providing, snugly ensconced +in the luxurious depths of a well-cushioned +easy chair, sat a monstrous man with a green patch +on his right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey +woollen dressing-gown, and black silk nightcap, puffing +away at a long meerschaum pipe, with a figure of +Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected Mr. +Jorrocks started back, but the smoker seemed quite +unconcerned, and casting an unmeaning grey eye at +the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from his +mouth.</p> + +<p>"How now!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a +rage, which caused the monster to start upon his legs +as though he were galvanised. "Vot brings you here?"</p> + +<p>"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker, +opening his eye a little wider, and taking the pipe from +his mouth. "Speak English, you fool," bawled Mr. +Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschämt" (you are very +impudent), replied the Dutchman with a thump on the +table. "I'll run you through the gizzard!" rejoined +Mr. Jorrocks, half drawing his sword,—"skin you alive, +in fact!" when in rushed the Countess and threw herself +between them.</p> + +<p>Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of +Flushing, was an old friend of the Countess's, and an +exceedingly good paying one, and having cast up that +morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence from +Dunkirk, and the Countess being enraged at Mr. Jorrocks +for not sharing the honours of his procession in the +cab on the previous day, and believing, moreover, that +his treasury was pretty well exhausted, thought she +could not do better than instal Rosembom in his place, +and retain the stakes she held for the Colonel's board +and lodging.</p> + +<p>This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving +Rosembom, who was not a much better Frenchman +than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the room would +be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon was ordered +to bundle Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau +and bag, and place them in readiness in the ante-room. +Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then retired to +enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went to +the Marche St. Honoré to buy some sour crout, roast +beef, and prunes for his dinner.</p> + +<p>"Turn this great slush-bucket out of my room!" +cried Mr. Jorrocks, as the Countess rushed into his +apartment. "Vot's he doing here?"</p> + +<p>"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clapping +him on the back, "he sall be my brodder." +"Never such a thing!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing +him as he spoke. "Never such a thing! no more than +myself—out with him, I say, or I'll cut my stick—<i>toute +suite—</i>directly!"</p> + +<p>"Avec tout mon coeur!" replied the Countess, her +choler rising as she spoke. "You're another," rejoined +Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner that she called +him something offensive—"Vous źte one mauvaise +woman!" "Monsieur," said the Countess, her eyes +flashing as she spoke, "vous źtes un polisson!—von +rascal!—von dem villain!—un charlatan!—von +nasty—bastely—ross bif!—dem dog!" and thereupon she +curled her fingers and set her teeth on edge as though +she would tear his very eyes out. Rosembom, though +he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, exchanged +his pipe for the poker, so what with this, the sword, +and the nails, things wore a very belligerent aspect.</p> + +<p>Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess, +still keeping up the semblance of her rage, ordered them +to quit her apartment directly, or she would have +recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs was +quite agreeable to go, but he hinted that she might as +well hand over the stakes that had been entrusted to +her keeping on the previous day, upon which she again +indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore they were a couple +of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her far more +than the amount for board and lodging. This made the +Colonel stare, for on the supposition that he was a +visitor, he had been firing away his money in all directions, +playing at everything she proposed, buying her +bonnets, Perigord pies, hiring remises, and committing +every species of extravagance, and now to be charged +for what he thought was pure friendship, disgusted him +beyond expression.</p> + +<p>The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the man +of letters of the establishment, and with his aid drew +Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he described as "reaching +down each side of his body and round his waist," +commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then proceeding +in the daily routine of café, 1 franc; déjeuner +ą la fourchette, 5 francs; diner avec vin, 10 francs; tea, +1 franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2 francs; appartement, +3 francs; running him up a bill of 700 francs; +and when Mr. Stubbs remonstrated on the exorbitance +of the charges, she replied, "It sall be, sare, as small +monnaie as sail be consistent avec my dignified respectability, +you to charge."</p> + +<p>There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs +paid the balance, while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the +duplicity of the Countess, the impudence of Rosembom, +and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted away +without saying a word.</p> + +<p>That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from the +capital, with two cold fowls, three-quarters of a yard +of bread, and a bottle of porter, for Mr. Jorrocks on +the journey, and ere another sun went down, the sandy +suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her ramparts, +and rumbling over the drawbridges and under the portcullis, +that guard the entrance to her gloomy town. +Calais! cold, cheerless, lifeless Calais! Whose soul has +ever warmed as it approached thy town? but how many +hearts have turned with sickening sorrow from the +mirthless tinkling of thy bells!</p> + +<p>"We'll not stay here long I guess," said Mr. Jorrocks +as the diligence pulled up at the post-office, and the conducteur +requested the passengers to descend. "That's +optional," said a bystander, who was waiting for his +letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air as much as +to say, what a rum-looking fellow you are, and not +without reason, for the Colonel was attired in a blue +sailor's jacket, white leathers, and jack-boots, with the +cocked hat and feather. The speaker was a middle-aged, +middle-statured man, with a quick intelligent eye, +dressed in a single-breasted green riding-coat, striped +toilinette waistcoat, and drab trousers, with a whip +in his hand. "Thank you for nothing!" replied Mr. +Jorrocks, eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker +turned to the clerk and asked if there were any letters +for Monsieur Apperley or Nimrod. "NIMROD!" exclaimed +Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his knees as though +he were shot. "Oh my vig what have I done? Oh dear! +oh dear! what a dumbfounderer—flummoxed I declare!"</p> + +<p>"Hold up! old 'un," said Nimrod in astonishment; +"why, what's the matter now? You don't owe me anything +I dare say!"</p> + +<p>"Owe you anything! yes, I does," said Mr. Jorrocks, +rising from the ground, "I owes you a debt of gratitude +that I can never wipe off—you'll be in the day-book and +ledger of my memory for ever and a year."</p> + +<p>"Who are you?" inquired Nimrod, becoming more +and more puzzled, as he contrasted his dialect with his +dress.</p> + +<p>"Who am I? Why, I'm Mister Jorrocks."</p> + +<p>"Jorrocks, by Jove! Who'd have thought it! I declare +I took you for a horse-marine. Give us your +hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your acquaintance."</p> + +<p>"Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you +the werry first man of the age!"—and thereupon they +shook hands with uncommon warmth.</p> + +<p>"You've been in Paris, I suppose," resumed Nimrod, +after their respective digits were released; "were you +much gratified with what you saw? What pleased you +most—the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, Pčre la +Chaise, Notre Dame, or what?"</p> + +<p>"Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may +seem, I saw nothing but the Tuileries and Naughty +Dame.—I may say a werry naughty dame, for she +fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump +to carry me home."</p> + +<p>"What, you've been among the ladies, have you? +That's gay for a man at your time of life."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I certainlie have been among the ladies,—countesses +I may say—but, dash my vig, they are a rum +set, and made me pay for their acquaintance. The +Countess Benwolio certainlie is a bad 'un."</p> + +<p>"Oh, the deuce!—did that old devil catch you?" +inquired Nimrod.</p> + +<p>"Vot, do you know her?"</p> + +<p>"Know her! ay—everybody here knows her with her +black boy. She's always on the road, and lives now by +the flats she catches between Paris and the coast. She +was an agent for Morison's Pills—but having a fractious +Scotch lodger that she couldn't get out, she physicked +him so dreadfully that he nearly died, and the police +took her licence away. But you are hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, +come to my house and spend the evening, and tell me all +about your travels."</p> + +<p>Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just +learned that the London packet sailed in an hour, so +the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts's, Royal Hotel, where +over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their +acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod +was to be in England the following week, insisted upon +his naming a day for dining in Great Coram Street.</p> + +<p>"Permits" to embark having been considerately +granted "gratis" by the Government for a franc apiece, +at the hour of ten our travellers stepped on board, +and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up in his +martial cloak, laid down in the cabin and, like Ulysses +in Ithaca, as Nimrod would say, "arrived in London +Asleep."</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="XI" id="XI"></a> +<h3>XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE"</h3> + +<p><i>(In a very "Familiar Letter" to Nimrod)</i></p> + +<p>DEAR NIMROD,</p> + +<p>You have favoured myself, and the sporting world +at large, with a werry rich high-flavoured account of +the great Captain Barclay, and his extonishing coach, +the "Defiance"; and being werry grateful to you for +that and all other favours, past, present, and to come, +I take up my grey goose quill to make it "obedient +to my will," as Mr. Pope, the poet, says, in relating a +werry gratifying ride I had on the celebrated "Brighton +Age," along with Sir Wincent Cotton, Bart., and a few +other swells. Being, as you knows, of rather an emigrating +disposition, and objecting to make a nick-stick of +my life by marking down each Christmas Day over +roast-beef and plum pudding, cheek-by-jowl with Mrs. +J—— at home, I said unto my lad Binjimin—and +there's not a bigger rogue unhung—"Binjimin, be after +looking out my Sunday clothes, and run down to the +Regent Circus, and book me the box-seat of the 'Age,' +for I'm blow'd if I'm not going to see the King at Brighton +(or 'London-sur-Mary,' as James Green calls it), and +tell the pig-eyed book-keeper it's for Mr. Jorrocks, and +you'll be sure to get it."</p> + +<p>Accordingly, next day, I put in my appearance at +the Circus, dressed in my best blue Saxony coat, with +metal buttons, yellow waistcoat, tights, and best +Hessians, with a fine new castor on my head, and a +carnation in my button-hole. Lots of chaps came +dropping in to go, and every one wanted the box-seat. +"Can I have the box-seat?" said one.—"No, sir; +Mr. Jorrocks has it." "Is the box-seat engaged?" asked +another.—"Yes, sir; Mr. Jorrocks has taken it." "Book +me the box," said a third with great dignity.—"It's +engaged already." "Who by?"—"Mr. Jorrocks"; and +so they went on to the tune of near a dozen. Presently +a rattling of pole chains was heard, and a cry was raised +of "Here's Sir Wincent!" I looks out, and saw a werry +neat, dark, chocolate-coloured coach, with narrow red-striped +wheels, and a crest, either a heagle or a unicorn +(I forgets which), on the door, and just the proprietors' +names below the winder, and "The Age," in large gilt +letters, below the gammon board, drawn by four blood-like, +switch-tailed nags, in beautiful highly polished harness +with brass furniture, without bearing reins—driven +by a swellish-looking young chap, in a long-backed, +rough, claret-coloured benjamin, with fancy-coloured +tyes, and a bunch of flowers in his button-hole—no +coachman or man of fashion, as you knows, being complete +without the flower. There was nothing gammonacious +about the turn-out; all werry neat and 'andsome, +but as plain as plain could be; and there was not even +a bit of Christmas at the 'orses' ears, which I observed +all the other coaches had. Well, down came Sir Wincent, +off went his hat, out came the way-bill, and off he ran +into the office to see what they had for him. "Here, +coachman," says a linen-draper's "elegant extract," +waiting outside, "you've to deliver this (giving him +a parcel) in the Marine Parade the instant you get to +Brighton. It's Miss—— 's bustle, and she'll be waiting +for it to put on to go out to dinner, so you musn't lose +a moment, and you may charge what you like for your +trouble." "Werry well," says Sir Wincent, laughing, +"I'll take care of her bustle. Now, book-keeper, be +awake. Three insides here, and six out. Pray, sir," +touching his hat to me, "are you booked here? Oh! +Mr. Jorrocks, I see. I begs your pardon. Jump up, +then; be lively! what luggage have you?" "Two carpet-bags, +with J. J., Great Coram Street, upon them." +"There, then we'll put them in the front boot, and you'll +have them under you. All right behind? Sit tight!" +Hist! off we go by St. Mertain's Church into the Strand, +to the booking-office there.</p> + +<p>The streets were werry full, but Sir Wincent wormed +his way among the coal-wagons, wans, busses, coaches, +bottom-over-tops,—in wulgar French, "cow sur tate," +as they calls the new patent busses—trucks, cabs, &c., +in a marvellous workmanlike manner, which seemed +the more masterly, inasmuch as the leaders, having +their heads at liberty, poked them about in all directions, +all a mode Francey, just as they do in Paris. At the +Marsh gate we were stopped. A black job was going +through on one side, and a haw-buck had drawn a great +yellow one 'oss Gravesend cruelty wan into the other, +and was fumbling for his coin.</p> + +<p>"Now, Young Omnibus!" cried Sir Wincent, "don't +be standing there all day." The man cut into his nag, +but the brute was about beat. "There, don't 'it him +so 'ard (hard)," said Sir Wincent, "or you may hurt +him!"</p> + +<p>When we got near the Helephant and Castle, Timothy +Odgkinson, of Brixton Hill, a low, underselling grocer, +got his measly errand cart, with his name and address +in great staring white letters, just in advance of the +leaders, and kept dodging across the road to get the +sound ground, for the whole line was werry "woolley" +as you calls it. "Come, Mister independent grocer! go +faster if you can," cries Sir Wincent, "though I think +you have bought your horse where you buy your tea, +for he's werry sloe." A little bit farther on a chap was +shoving away at a truck full of market-baskets. "Now, +Slavey," said he, "keep out of my way!" At the Helephant +and Castle, and, indeed, wherever he stopped, +there were lots of gapers assembled to see the Baronet +coachman, but Sir Wincent never minded them, but +bustled about with his way-bill, and shoved in his +parcels, fish-baskets, and oyster-barrels like a good 'un. +We pulled up to grub at the Feathers at Merstham, +and 'artily glad I was, for I was far on to famish, having +ridden whole twenty-five miles in a cold, frosty air +without morsel of wittles of any sort. When the Bart. +pulled up, he said, "Now, ladies and gentlemen—twenty +minutes allowed here, and let me adwise you to make +the most of it." I took the 'int, and heat away like a +regular bagman, who can always dispatch his ducks +and green peas in ten minutes.</p> + +<p>We started again, and about one hundred yards below +the pike stood a lad with a pair of leaders to clap +on, for the road, as I said before, was werry woolley. +"Now, you see, Mr. Jorrocks," said Sir Wincent, "I +do old Pikey by having my 'osses on this side. The old +screw drew me for four shillings one day for my leaders, +two each way, so, says I, 'My covey, if you don't draw +it a little milder, I'll send my 'osses from the stable +through my friend Sir William Jolliffe's fields to the +other side of your shop,' and as he wouldn't, you see +here they are, and he gets nothing."</p> + +<p>The best of company, they say, must part, and +Baronets "form no exception to the rule," as I once +heard Dr. Birkbeck say. About a mile below the halfway +'ouse another coach hove in sight, and each pulling +up, they proved to be as like each other as two beans, +and beneath a mackintosh, like a tent cover, I twigged +my friend Brackenbury's jolly phiz. "How are you, +Jorrocks?" and "How are you, Brack?" flew across +like billiard-balls, while Sir Wincent, handing me the +ribbons, said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all +a good morning and a pleasant ride," and Brack having +done the same by his coach and passengers, the two +heroes met on terry firmey, as we say in France, to +exchange way-bills and directions about parcels. "Now," +said Sir Wincent, "you'll find Miss——'s bustle under +the front seat—send it off to the Marine Parade the +instant you get in, for she wants it to make herself +up to-night for a party." "By Jove, that's lucky," said +Brackenbury, "for I'll be hanged if I haven't got old +Lady——'s false dinner-set of ivories in my waistcoat +pocket, which I should have forgot if you hadn't mentioned +t'other things, and then the old lady would have +lost her blow-out this Christmas. Here they are," handing +out a small box, "and mind you leave them yourself, +for they tell me they are costly, being all fixed in +coral, with gold springs, and I don't know what—warranted +to eat of themselves, they say." "She has +lost her modesty with her teeth, it seems," said Sir +Wincent. "Old women ought to be ashamed to be +seen out of their graves after their grinders are gone. +I'll pound it the old tabby carn't be under one hundred. +But quick! who does that d——d parrot and the cock-a-too +belong to that you've got stuck up there? and look, +there's a canary and all! I'll be d——d if you don't bring +me a coach loaded like Wombwell's menagerie every +day! Well, be lively! 'Twill be all the same one hundred +years hence.—All right? Sit tight! Good night!"</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Jorrocks, it's long since we met," said +Brackenbury, looking me over—"never, I think, since +I showed you way over the Weald of Sussex from +Torrington Wood, on the gallant wite with the Colonel's +'ounds! Ah, those were rare days, Mr. Jorrocks! we +shall never see their like again! But you're looking +fresh. Time lays a light hand on your bearing-reins! I +hope it will be long ere you are booked by the Gravesend +Buss. You don't lush much, I fancy?" added he, +putting a lighted cigar in his mouth. "Yes, I does," +said I—"a good deal; but I tells you what, Brackenbury, +I doesn't fumigate none—it's the fumigation that +does the mischief," and thereupon we commenced a +hargument on the comparitive mischief of smoking and +drinking, which ended without either being able to +convince the other. "Well, at all events, you gets beefey, +Brackenbury," said I; "you must be a couple of stone +heavier than when we used to talliho the 'ounds together. +I think I could lead you over the Weald now, +at all ewents if the fences were out of the way," for +I must confess that Brack was always a terrible +chap at the jumps, and could go where few would +follow.</p> + +<p>We did the journey within the six hours—werry good +work, considering the load and the state of the roads. +No coach like the "Age"—in my opinion. I was so werry +much pleased with Brack's driving, that I presented +him with a four-in-hand whip.</p> + +<p>I put up at Jonathan Boxall's, the Star and Garter, +one of the pleasantest and best-conducted houses in all +Brighton. It is close to the sea, and just by Mahomed, +the sham-poor's shop. I likes Jonathan, for he is a +sportsman, and we spin a yarn together about 'unting, +and how he used to ride over the moon when he whipped +in to St. John, in Berkshire. But it's all talk with Jonathan +now, for he's more like a stranded grampus now +than a fox-hunter. In course I brought down a pair of +kickseys and pipe-cases, intending to have a round +with the old muggers, but the snow put a stop to all +that. I heard, however, that both the Telscombe Tye +and the Devil's Dike dogs had been running their half-crown +rounds after hares, some of which ended in "captures," +others in "escapes," as the newspapers terms +them. I dined at the Albion on Christmas Day, and +most misfortunately, my appetite was ready before the +joints, so I had to make my dinner off Mary Ann cutlets, +I think they call them, that is to say, chops screwed up +in large curl papers, and such-like trifles. I saw some +chaps drinking small glasses of stuff, so I asked the waiter +what it was, and, thinking he said "Elixir of Girls," I +banged the table, and said, "Elixir of Girls! that's the +stuff for my money—give me a glass." The chap laughed, +and said, "Not Girls, sir, but Garus"; and thereupon he +gave another great guffaw.</p> + +<p>It is a capital coffee-room, full of winders, and finely-polished +tables, waiters in silk stockings, and they give +spermaceti cheese, and burn Parmesan candles. The +chaps in it, however, were werry unsociable, and there +wasn't a man there that I would borrow half a crown to +get drunk with. Stickey is the landlord, but he does not +stick it in so deep as might be expected from the looks +of the house, and the cheese and candles considered. +It was a most tempestersome night, and, having eaten +and drank to completion, I determined to go and see +if my aunt, in Cavendish Street, was alive; and after +having been nearly blown out to France several times, +I succeeded in making my point and running to ground. +The storm grew worser and worser, and when I came to +open the door to go away, I found it blocked with +snow, and the drifts whirling about in all directions. +My aunt, who is a werry feeling woman, insisted on +my staying all night, which only made the matter +worse, for when I came to look out in the morning I +found the drift as high as the first floor winder, and the +street completely buried in snow. Having breakfasted, +and seeing no hopes of emancipation, I hangs out a flag +of distress—a red wipe—which, after flapping about for +some time, drew three or four sailors and a fly-man or +two. I explained from the winder how dreadfully I was +situated, prayed of them to release me, but the wretches +did nothing but laugh, and ax wot I would give to be +out. At last one of them, who acted as spokesman, proposed +that I should put an armchair out of the winder, +and pay them five shillings each for carrying me home +on their shoulders. It seemed a vast of money, but the +storm continuing, the crowd increasing, and I not wishing +to kick up a row at my aunt's, after offering four +and sixpence, agreed to their terms, and throwing out +a chair, plumped up to the middle in a drift. Three +cheers followed the feat, which drew all the neighbours +to the winders, when about half a dozen fellows, some +drunk, some sober, and some half-and-half, pulled me +into the chair, hoisted me on to their shoulders, and +proceeded into St. James's Street, bellowing out, "Here's +the new member for Brighton! Here's the boy wot sleeps +in Cavendish Street! Huzzah, the old 'un for ever! There's +an elegant man for a small tea-party! Who wants a +fat chap to send to their friends this Christmas?" The +noise they made was quite tremendious, and the snow +in many places being up to their middles, we made +werry slow progress, but still they would keep me in +the chair, and before we got to the end of the street +the crowd had increased to some hundreds. Here they +began snow-balling, and my hat and wig soon went +flying, and then there was a fresh holloa. "Here's +Mr. Wigney, the member for Brighton," they cried +out; "I say, old boy, are you for the ballot? You must +call on the King this morning; he wants to give you a +Christmas-box." Just then one of the front bearers +tumbled, and down we all rolled into a drift, just +opposite Daly's backey shop. There were about twenty +of us in together, but being pretty near the top, I was +soon on my legs, and seeing an opening, I bolted right +forward—sent three or four fellows flying—dashed down +the passage behind Saxby's wine vaults, across the +Steyne, floundering into the drifts, followed by the +mob, shouting and pelting me all the way. This double +made some of the beggars over-shoot the mark, and +run past the statute of George the Fourth, but, seeing +their mistake, or hearing the other portion of the pack +running in the contrary direction, they speedily joined +heads and tails, and gave me a devil of a burst up the +narrow lane by the Wite 'Orse 'Otel. Fortunately Jonathan +Boxall's door was open, and Jonathan himself in +the passage bar, washing some decanters. "Look sharp, +Jonathan!" said I, dashing past him as wite as a miller, +"look sharp! come out of that, and be after clapping +your great carcase against the door to keep the Philistines +out, or they'll be the death of us both." Quick as +thought the door was closed and bolted before ever the +leaders had got up, but, finding this the case, the mob +halted and proceeded to make a deuce of a kick-up before +the house, bellowing and shouting like mad fellows, +and threatening to pull it down if I did not show. Jonathan +got narvous, and begged and intreated me to +address them. I recommended him to do it himself, +but he said he was quite unaccustomed to public speaking, +and he would stand two glasses of "cold without" +if I would. "Hot with," said I, "and I'll do it." "Done," +said he, and he knocked the snow off my coat, pulled +my wig straight, and made me look decent, and took +me to a bow-winder'd room on the first floor, threw up; +the sash, and exhibited me to the company outside. I +bowed and kissed my hand like a candidate. They +cheered and shouted, and then called for silence whilst; +I addressed them. "Gentlemen," said I, "Who are you?" +"Why, we be the men wot carried your honour's glory +from Cavendish Street, and wants to be paid for it."; +"Gentlemen," said I, "I'm no orator, but I'm a honest +man; I pays everybody twenty shillings in the pound. +and no mistake (cheers). If you had done your part of +the bargain, I would have done mine, but 'ow can you +expect to be paid after spilling me? This is a most +inclement day, and, whatever you may say to the +contrary, I'm not Mr. Clement Wigney."—"No, nor +Mr. Faithful neither," bellowed one of the bearers.—said +I, "you'll get the complaints of the +season, chilblains and influhensa, if you stand dribbling +there in the snow. Let me advise you to mizzle, for, if +you don't, I'm blowed if I don't divide a whole jug of +cold water equally amongst you. Go home to your wives +and children, and don't be after annoying an honest, +independent, amiable publican, like Jonathan Boxall. +That's all I've got to say, and if I was to talk till I'm +black in the face, I couldn't say nothing more to the +purpose; so, I wishes you all 'A Merry Christmas and +an 'Appy New Year.'"</p> + +<p>But I'm fatiguing you, Mr. Nimrod, with all this, +which is only hinteresting to the parties concerned, so +will pass on to other topics. I saw the King riding in +his coach with his Sunday coat on. He looked werry +well, but his nose was rather blueish at the end, a sure +sign that he is but a mortal, and feels the cold just like +any other man. The Queen did not show, but I saw some +of her maids of honour, who made me think of the +Richmond cheesecakes. There were a host of pretty +ladies, and the cold gave a little colour to their noses, +too, which, I think, improved their appearance wastly, +for I've always remarked that your ladies of quality +are rather pasty, and do not generally show their high +blood in their cheeks and noses. I'm werry fond of +looking at pretty girls, whether maids of 'onour or +maids of all work.</p> + +<p>The storm stopped all wisiting, and even the Countess +of Winterton's ball was obliged to be put off. Howsomever, +that did not interfere at all with Jonathan Boxall +and me, except that it, perhaps, made us take a bottom +of brandy more than usual, particularly after Jonathan +had run over again one of his best runs.</p> + +<p>Now, dear Nimrod, adieu. Whenever you comes over +to England, I shall be werry 'appy to see you in Great +Coram Street, where dinner is on the table punctually +at five on week days, and four on Sundays; and +with best regards to Mrs. Nimrod, and all the little +Nimrods,</p> + +<p>I remain, for Self and Co., yours to serve,</p> + +<p>JOHN JORROCKS.</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="XII" id="XII"></a> +<h3>XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY</h3> + +<p>The general postman had given the final flourish to +his bell, and the muffin-girl had just begun to tinkle +hers, when a capacious yellow hackney-coach, with a +faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down Great +Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door.</p> + +<p>Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the +area bell, after giving the usual three knocks and a +half to the brass lion's head on the door, it was opened +by the boy Benjamin in a new drab coat, with a blue +collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, +and black velveteen breeches, with well-darned white +cotton stockings.</p> + +<p>The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, +where he had been acting the part of butler, for which +purpose he had put off his coat and appeared in his shirtsleeves, +dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze silk +stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with +a frill as large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and +corkscrew to Betsey, he shuffled himself into a smart +new blue saxony coat with velvet collar and metal +buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the +arrivers.</p> + +<p>"Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so +'appy to see you—so werry 'appy you carn't think," +holding out both hands to the foremost, who happened +to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I declare +it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod? Most +proud to see you at my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, +my boy, 'ow do you do? Never knew you late in my +life," giving him a hearty slap on the back. "Mr. Spiers, +I'm werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting +publisher ought to be—punctuality itself. Now, +gentlemen, dispose of your tiles, and come upstairs to +Mrs. J——, and let's get you introduced." +"I fear we are late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed Nimrod, +advancing past the staircase end to hang up his hat +on a line of pegs against the wall.</p> + +<p>"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks—"not a bit +of it—quite the contrary—you are the first, in fact!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of hats +by where he stood—"why here are as many hats as +would set up a shop. I really thought I'd got into +Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake!"</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Happerley, +werry good indeed—I owes you one."</p> + +<p>"I thought it was a castor-oil mill," rejoined Mr. +Spiers.</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry +good indeed—owes you one also—but I see what +you're driving at. You think these hats have a coconut +apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing +I assure you; no such thing. The fact is, they are what +I've won at warious times of the members of our hunt, +and as I've got you great sporting coves dining with +me, I'm a-going to set them out on my sideboard, just +as racing gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you +know. Binjimin! I say, Binjimin! you blackguard," +holloaing down the kitchen stairs, "why don't you set +out the castors as I told you? and see you brush them +well!" "Coming, sir, coming, sir!" replied Benjamin, +from below, who at that moment was busily engaged, +taking advantage of Betsey's absence, in scooping marmalade +out of a pot with his thumb. "There's a good +lot of them," said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, +"four, six, eight, ten, twelve, thirteen—all trophies +of sporting prowess. Real good hats. None o' your +nasty gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile!" said +he, balancing a nice new white one with green rims on +the tip of his finger. "I won that in a most miraculous +manner. A most wonderful way, in fact. I was driving +to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled one-'oss +chay, and just as I got to Lilleywhite, the blacksmith's, +below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain—a +'gulph' I may call it—across the road for the purpose +of repairing the gas-pipe—I was rayther late as it was, +for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was nothing +for me but either to go a mile and a half about, or +drive slap over the gulph. Well, I looked at it, and +the more I looked at it the less I liked it; but just as +I was thinking I had seen enough of it, and was going +to turn away, up tools Timothy Truman in his buggy, +and he, too, began to crane and look into the abyss—and +a terrible place it was, I assure you—quite frightful, +and he liked it no better than myself. Seeing this, +I takes courage, and said, 'Why, Tim, your 'oss will +do it!' 'Thank'e, Mr. J——,' said he, 'I'll follow you.' +'Then,' said I, 'if you'll change wehicles'—for, mind +ye, I had no notion of damaging my own—'I'll bet you +a hat I gets over.' 'Done,' said he, and out he got; so +I takes his 'oss by the head, looses the bearing-rein, +and leading him quietly up to the place and letting him +have a look at it, gave him a whack over the back, and +over he went, gig and all, as clever as could be!"</p> + +<p><i>Stubbs</i>. Well done, Mr. J——, you are really a most +wonderful man! You have the most extraordinary +adventures of any man breathing—but what did you +do with your own machine?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Oh! you see, I just turned round to Binjimin, +who was with me, and said, You may go home, and, +getting into Timothy's buggy, I had my ride for nothing, +and the hat into the bargain. A nice hat it is too—regular +beaver—a guinea's worth at least. All true +what I've told you, isn't it, Binjimin?</p> + +<p>"Quite!" replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to +his nose, and spreading his fingers like a fan as he slunk +behind his master.</p> + +<p>"But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, "let's +be after going upstairs.—Binjimin, announce the gentlemen +as your missis taught you. Open the door with +your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, to +let the company see the point to make up to."</p> + +<p>The party ascend the stairs one at a time, for the +flight is narrow and rather abrupt, and Benjamin, +obeying his worthy master's injunctions, threw open +the front drawing-room door, and discovered Mrs. +Jorrocks sitting in state at a round table, with annuals +and albums spread at orthodox distances around. The +possession of this room had long been a bone of contention +between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but at length +they had accommodated matters by Mr. Jorrocks gaining +undivided possession of the back drawing-room +(communicating by folding-doors), with the run of the +front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on non-company +days. A glance, however, showed which was the master's +and which the mistress's room. The front one was +papered with weeping willows, bending under the weight +of ripe cherries on a white ground, and the chair +cushions were covered with pea-green cotton velvet +with yellow worsted bindings.</p> + +<p>The round table was made of rosewood, and there +was a "whatnot" on the right of the fire-place of similar +material, containing a handsomely-bound collection of +Sir Walter Scott's Works, in wood. The carpet-pattern +consisted of most dashing bouquets of many-coloured +flowers, in winding French horns on a very light drab +ground, so light, indeed, that Mr. Jorrocks was never +allowed to tread upon it except in pumps or slippers. +The bell-pulls were made of foxes' brushes, and in the +frame of the looking-glass, above the white marble +mantelpiece, were stuck visiting-cards, notes of invitation, +thanks for "obliging inquiries," etc. The hearth-rug +exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with pink eyes, +on a blue ground, with a flossy green border; and the +fender and fire-irons were of shining brass. On the +wall, immediately opposite the fire-place, was a portrait +of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, so unlike her +present self that no one would have taken it for her. +The back drawing-room, which looked out upon the +gravel walk and house-backs beyond, was papered with +broad scarlet and green stripes in honour of the Surrey +Hunt uniform, and was set out with a green-covered +library table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting-chair +between it and the window, and several good +strong hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the walls. +The table had a very literary air, being strewed with +sporting magazines, odd numbers of <i>Bell's Life</i>, +pamphlets, and papers of various descriptions, while +on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were ten lines +of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in +coming from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had +been hammering for some time. On the side opposite +the fire-place, on a hanging range of mahogany shelves, +were ten volumes of <i>Bell's Life in London</i>, the <i>New +Sporting Magazine</i>, bound gilt and lettered, the +<i>Memoirs of Harriette Wilson, Boxiana</i>, Taplin's <i>Farriery</i>, +Nimrod's <i>Life of Mytton</i>, and a backgammon board that +Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a history of +England.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in state +at the far side of the round table, on a worsted-worked +ottoman exhibiting a cock pheasant on a white ground, +and was fanning herself with a red-and-white paper fan, +and turning over the leaves of an annual. How Mr. +Jorrocks happened to marry her, no one could ever +divine, for she never was pretty, had very little money, +and not even a decent figure to recommend her. It was +generally supposed at the time, that his brother Joe +and he having had a deadly feud about a bottom piece +of muffin, the lady's friends had talked him into the +match, in the hopes of his having a family to leave his +money to, instead of bequeathing it to Joe or his children. +Certain it is, they never were meant for each other; +Mr. Jorrocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature +and impulse, while Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and +affectation. To describe her accurately is more than we +can pretend to, for she looked so different in different +dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not +recognise her. Her face was round, with a good strong +brick-dust sort of complexion, a turn-up nose, eyes +that were grey in one light and green in another, and +a middling-sized mouth, with a double chin below. +Mr. Jorrocks used to say that she was "warranted" +to him as twelve years younger than himself, but many +people supposed the difference of age between them +was not so great. Her stature was of the middle height, +and she was of one breadth from the shoulders to the +heels. She was dressed in a flaming scarlet satin gown, +with swan's-down round the top, as also at the arms, +and two flounces of the same material round the bottom. +Her turban was of green velvet, with a gold fringe, +terminating in a bunch over the left side, while a bird-of-paradise +inclined towards the right. Across her forehead +she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured glass +butterfly (a present from James Green), and her neck, +arms, waist (at least what ought to have been her +waist) were hung round and studded with mosaic-gold +chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc., looking +for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's shop, or +the lump of beef that Sinbad the sailor threw into the +Valley of Diamonds. In the right of a gold band round +her middle, was an immense gold watch, with a bunch +of mosaic seals appended to a massive chain of the same +material; and a large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when +he was a young man, with his hair stiffly curled, occupied +a place on her left side. On her right arm dangled a +green velvet bag with a gold cord, out of which one +of Mr. Jorrocks's silk handkerchiefs protruded, while a +crumpled, yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace +fringe, lay at her side.</p> + +<p>On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, +sat her niece Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), +a nice laughing pretty girl of sixteen, with languishing +blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn-up" order, +beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and +a gracefully moulded figure. She had just left one of +the finishing and polishing seminaries in the neighbourhood +of Bromley, where, for two hundred a year and +upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life are +taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had already +appropriated her to James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, +on the other hand, had assigned her to Stubbs. Belinda's +dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair hung in shining +tresses down her smiling face, confined by a plain tortoiseshell +comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band +before. Round her swan-like neck was a plain white +cornelian necklace; and her well-washed white muslin +frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing behind in a bow, +met in simple folds across her swelling bosom. Black +sandal shoes confined her fairy feet, and with French +cotton stockings, completed her toilette. Belinda, though +young, was a celebrated eastern beauty, and there was +not a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael Scales +downwards, but what eyed her with delight as she +passed along from Shoreditch on her daily walk.</p> + +<p>The presentations having been effected, and the heat +of the day, the excellence of the house, the cleanliness +of Great Coram Street—the usual topics, in short, when +people know nothing of each other—having been discussed, +our party scattered themselves about the room +to await the pleasing announcement of dinner. Mr. +Jorrocks, of course, was in attendance upon Nimrod, +while Mr. Stubbs made love to Belinda behind Mrs. +Jorrocks.</p> + +<p>Presently a loud long-protracted "rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +rat-tat-tat-tat-tan," at the street door sounded through +the house, and Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, exclaimed, +"By Jingo! there's Green. No man knocks with +such wigorous wiolence as he does. All Great Coram +Street and parts adjacent know when he comes. Julius +Caesar himself couldn't kick up a greater row." "What +Green is it, Green of Rollestone?" inquired Nimrod, +thinking of his Leicestershire friend. "No," said Mr. +Jorrocks, "Green of Tooley Street. You'll have heard +of the Greens in the borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, +hop, and hide) merchants—numerous family, numerous +as the 'airs in my vig. This is James Green, jun., whose +father, old James Green, jun., <i>verd antique</i>, as I calls him, +is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the 'emp +line, and James is own cousin to young old James Green, +sen., whose father is in the 'ide line." The remainder +of the pedigree was lost by Benjamin throwing open +the door and announcing Mr. Green; and Jemmy, who +had been exchanging his cloth boots for patent-leather +pumps, came bounding upstairs like a racket-ball. "My +dear Mrs. Jorrocks," cried he, swinging through the +company to her, "I'm delighted to see you looking so +well. I declare you are fifty per cent younger than you +were. Belinda, my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks, my +friend, 'ow do ye do?"</p> + +<p>"Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands +with him most cordially, "I'm werry well, indeed, and +delighted to see you. Now let me present you to Nimrod."</p> + +<p>"Ay, Nimrod!" said Green, in his usual flippant style, +with a nod of his head, "'ow are ye, Nimrod? I've heard +of you, I think—Nimrod Brothers and Co., bottle +merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it?"</p> + +<p>"No," said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown—Happerley +Nimrod, the great sporting hauthor."</p> + +<p>"True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted, "I've +heard of him—Nimrod—the mighty 'unter before the +lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. Stubbs, 'ow are ye?" +nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself on +to a chair on the other side of Belinda.</p> + +<p>As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His curly +flaxen wig projected over his forehead like the roof of +a Swiss cottage, and his pointed gills were supported +by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad front and +black frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His +coat was light green, with archery buttons, made very +wide at the hips, with which he sported a white waistcoat, +bright yellow ochre leather trousers, pink silk +stockings, and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he +carried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most +powerfully of musk; and a pair of dirty wristbands +drew the eye to sundry dashing rings upon his fingers.</p> + +<p>Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine-merchant, +a member of the Surrey Hunt, being announced +and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared herself faint from +the heat of the room, and begged to be excused for a +few minutes. Nimrod, all politeness, was about to offer +her his arm, but Mr. Jorrocks pulled him back, whispering, +"Let her go, let her go." "The fact is," said he in +an undertone after she was out of hearing, "it's a way +Mrs. J—— has when she wants to see that dinner's all +right. You see she's a terrible high-bred woman, being +a cross between a gentleman-usher and a lady's-maid, +and doesn't like to be supposed to look after these +things, so when she goes, she always pretend to faint. +You'll see her back presently," and, just as he spoke, +in she came with a half-pint smelling-bottle at her nose. +Benjamin followed immediately after, and throwing +open the door proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, that +"dinner was sarved," upon which the party all started +on their legs.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. Happerley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks, +"you'll trot Mrs. J—— down—according to the book +of etiquette, you know, giving her the wall side.<a id="footnotetag25" name="footnotetag25"></a><a href="#footnote25"><sup>25</sup></a> Sorry, +gentlemen, I havn't ladies apiece for you, but my +sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayther small, +besides which I never like to dine more than eight. +Stubbs, my boy, Green and you must toss up for Belinda—here's +a halfpenny, and let be 'Newmarket'<a id="footnotetag26" name="footnotetag26"></a><a href="#footnote26"><sup>26</sup></a> if you +please. Wot say you? a voman! Stubbs wins!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as the halfpenny fell head downwards. +"Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, and James and +I will whip in to you. But stop, gentlemen!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the stairs, "let +me make one request—that you von't eat the windmill +you'll see on the centre of the table. Mrs. Jorrocks has +hired it for the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the confectioner, +in Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or +three evening parties after it leaves this." "Lauk, John! +how wulgar you are. What matter can it make to your +friends where the windmill comes from!" exclaimed +Mrs. Jorrocks in an audible voice from below, Nimrod, +with admirable skill, having piloted her down the straights +and turns of the staircase. Having squeezed herself +between the backs of the chairs and the wall, Mrs. +Jorrocks at length reached the head of the table, and +with a bump of her body and wave of her hand motioned +Nimrod to take the seat on her right. Green then pushed +past Belinda and Stubbs, and took the place on Mrs. +Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous manoeuvre, +placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda +between himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then +filled the vacant places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers +facing Mr. Stubbs.</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote25" name="footnote25"></a><b>Footnote 25:</b><a href="#footnotetag25"> (return) </a> "In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady the +wall in going downstairs," etc,—<i>Spirit of Etiquette.</i></blockquote> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote26" name="footnote26"></a><b>Footnote 26:</b><a href="#footnotetag26"> (return) </a> "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is <i>one</I> +toss."—<i>Bell's Life.</i></blockquote> + +<p>The dining-room was the breadth of the passage +narrower than the front drawing-room, and, as Mr. +Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small—but the table +being excessively broad, made the room appear less +than it was. It was lighted up with spermaceti candles +in silver holders, one at each corner of the table, and +there was a lamp in the wall between the red-curtained +windows, immediately below a brass nail, on which +Mr. Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch of +boot garters were hung. Two more candles in the hands +of bronze Dianas on the marble mantelpiece, lighted +up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John Warde +on Blue Ruin; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse +Undertaker, with his hounds and men, occupied a +frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned cellaret +sideboard, against the wall at the end, supported a +large bright-burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round +the rim, whose effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over +eight black hats and two white ones, whereof the four +middle ones were decorated with evergreens and foxes' +brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered. +There was scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen on +any part. In the centre stood a magnificent finely spun +barley-sugar windmill, two feet and a half high, with a +spacious sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and +two or three millers at the door, and a she-miller working +a ball-dress flounce at a lower window.</p> + +<p>The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course +—everything, in fact, except dessert—was on the table, +as we sometimes see it at ordinaries and public dinners. +Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were two great +tureens of mock-turtle soup, each capable of holding +a gallon, and both full up to the brim. Then there were +two sorts of fish; turbot and lobster sauce, and a great +salmon. A round of boiled beef and an immense piece +of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to march on +the disappearance of the fish and soup—and behind the +walls, formed by the beef of old England, came two dishes +of grouse, each dish holding three brace. The side dishes +consisted of a calf's head hashed, a leg of mutton, +chickens, ducks, and mountains of vegetables; and round +the windmill were plum-puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, +and puffs.</p> + +<p>Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood "Batsay" with a +fine brass-headed comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets +down her ruddy cheeks. She was dressed in a green silk +gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr. Jorrocks's +lavender and white coloured silk pocket-handkerchiefs +made into an apron. "Binjimin" stood with the door in +his hand, as the saying is, with a towel twisted round +his thumb, as though he had cut it.</p> + +<p>"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his +eye up the table, as soon as they had all got squeezed +and wedged round it, and the dishes were uncovered, +"you see your dinner, eat whatever you like except +the windmill—hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with +what's on—would have had more but Mrs. J—— is so +werry fine, she won't stand two joints of the same sort +on the table."</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. J.</i> Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar! Who +ever saw two rounds of beef, as you wanted to have? +Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will excuse any little +defishency, considering the short notice we have had, +and that this is not an elaborate dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Spiers.</i> I'm sure, ma'm, there's no de<i>fish</i>ency at +all. Indeed, I think there's as much fish as would serve +double the number—and I'm sure you look as if you +had your soup "on sale or return," as we say in the +magazine line.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J.</i> Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers. I +owe you one. Not bad soup though—had it from +Birch's. Let me send you some; and pray lay into it, +or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. Happerley, let +me send you some—and, gentlemen, let me observe, +once for all, that there's every species of malt liquor +under the side table. Prime stout, from the Marquess +Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my friend +Crane there calls lamen<i>table</i>—he says, because it's so +werry small—but, in truth, because I don't buy it of +him. There's all sorts of drench, in fact, except water—thing +I never touch—rots one's shoes, don't know +what it would do with one's stomach if it was to get +there. Mr. Crane, you're eating nothing. I'm quite +shocked to see you; you don't surely live upon hair? +Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. +Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshireman take care of +you? Who's for some salmon?—bought at Luckey's, +and there's both Tallyho and Tantivy sarce to eat with +it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder after +eating these sarces with fish. Mr. Happerley Nimrod, +you are the greatest man at table, consequently I axes +you to drink wine first, according to the book of etiquette—help +yourself, sir. Some of Crane's particklar, hot and +strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin de +beaume) or rot-gut French stuff—hope you like it—if +you don't, pray speak your mind freely, now that we +have Crane among us. Binjimin, get me some of that +duck before Mr. Spiers, a leg and a wing, if you please, +sir, and a bit of the breast.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Spiers.</i> Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer +a right or left wing, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Jorrocks.</i> Oh, either. I suppose it's all the same.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Spiers.</i> Why no, sir, it's not exactly all the +same; for it happens there is only one remaining, therefore +it must be the <i>left</i> one.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. J.</i> (chuckling). Haw! haw! haw! Mr. S——, +werry good that—werry good indeed. I owes you two.</p> + +<p>"I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you +please," says Crane, handing his plate round the +windmill.</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers, who +had just filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's nothing left +but the neck," holding it up on the fork.</p> + +<p>"Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane; "neck or nothing, +you know, Mr. Jorrocks, as we say with the Surrey."</p> + +<p>"Haw! haw! haw!" grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is +busy sucking a bone; "haw! hawl haw! werry good, +Crane, werry good—owes you one. Now, gentlemen," +added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, +"let me adwise ye, before you attack the grouse, to +take the hedge (edge) off your appetites, or else there +won't be enough, and, you know, it does not do to eat +the farmer after the gentlemen. Let's see, now—three +and three are six, six brace among eight—oh dear, +that's nothing like enough. I wish, Mrs. J——, you had +followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And now, +Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your +clumsiness, you little dirty rascal! Why von't you let +Batsay arrange the table? Thank you, Mr. Crane, for +your assistance—your politeness, sir, exceeds your +beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, +and Jorrocks throws down his knife and fork in an +agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear, there's that cursed horgan +again. It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and +kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no +man suffers so much from music as I do. I wish I had +a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I might throw one +at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. +I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. +Mr. Nimrod, pray take another glass of wine after your +roast beef.—Well, with Mrs. J—— if you choose, but +I'll join you—always says that you are the werry +cleverest man of the day—read all your writings—anny-tommy +(anatomy) of gaming, and all. Am a +hauthor myself, you know—once set to, to write a +werry long and elaborate harticle on scent, but after +cudgelling my brains, and turning the thing over and +over again in my mind, all that I could brew on the +subject was, that scent was a werry rum thing; nothing +rummer than scent, except a woman."</p> + +<p>"Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as +she spoke, "don't let us have any of your low-lifed +stable conversation here—you think to show off before +the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself you talk +about what we don't understand. Now, I'll be bound +to say, with all your fine sporting hinformation, you +carn't tell me whether a mule brays or neighs!"</p> + +<p>"Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr. +Jorrocks, considering. "I'll lay I can!"</p> + +<p>"Which, then?" inquired Mrs. Jorrocks.</p> + +<p>"Vy, I should say it brayed."</p> + +<p>"Mule bray!" cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her hands +with delight, "there's a cockney blockhead for you! It +brays, does it?"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Jorrocks. </i>I meant to say, neighed.</p> + +<p>"Ho! ho! ho!" grinned Mrs. J——, "neighs, does +it? You are a nice man for a fox-'unter—a mule neighs—thought +I'd catch you some of these odd days with +your wain conceit."</p> + +<p>"Vy, what does it do then?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, +his choler rising as he spoke. "I hopes, at all ewents, +he don't make the 'orrible noise you do."</p> + +<p>"Why, it screams, you great hass!" rejoined his +loving spouse.</p> + +<p>A single, but very resolute knock at the street door, +sounding quite through the house, stopped all further +ebullition, and Benjamin, slipping out, held a short +conversation with someone in the street, and returned.</p> + +<p>"What's happened now, Binjimin?" inquired Mr. +Jorrocks, with anxiety on his countenance, as the boy +re-entered the room; "the 'osses arn't amiss, I 'ope?"</p> + +<p>"Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for +the windmill—he says you've had it two hours," +replied Benjamin.</p> + +<p>"The deuce be with Mr. Farrell's young man! he +does not suppose we can part with the mill before the +cloth's drawn—tell him to mizzle, or I'll mill him. +'Now's the day and now's the hour'; who's for some +grouse? Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But first +of all let's have a round robin. Pass the wine, gentlemen. +What wine do you take, Stubbs."</p> + +<p>"Why, champagne is good enough for me."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Jorrocks,</i> I dare say; but if you wait till you +get any here, you will have a long time to stop. Shampain, +indeed! had enough of that nonsense abroad—declare +you young chaps drink shampain like hale. +There's red and wite port, and sherry, in fact, and them +as carn't drink, they must go without.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>X. was expensive and soon became poor,</p> +<p>Y. was the wise man and kept want from the door.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Now for the grouse!" added he, as the two beefs +disappeared, and they took their stations at the top +and bottom of the table. "Fine birds, to be sure! +Hope you havn't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so +as not to be able to do justice to them—smell high—werry +good—gamey, in fact. Binjimin. take an 'ot +plate to Mr. Nimrod—sarve us all round with them."</p> + +<p>The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, +little execution was done upon the pastry, and the +jellies had all melted long before it came to their turn +to be eat. At length everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, +appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks +was succeeded by the din of tongues and the ringing +of glasses, as the eaters refreshed themselves with wine +or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being handed about +on plates, according to the <i>Spirit of Etiquette</i>. Binjimin +and Batsay at length cleared the table, lifted off +the windmill, and removed the cloth. Mr. Jorrocks then +delivered himself of a most emphatic grace.</p> + +<p>The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the +ceremony of drinking healths all round was performed. +"Your good health, Mrs. J——.—Belinda, my loove, your +good health—wish you a good 'usband.—Nimrod, your +good health.—James Green, your good health.—Old +<i>verd antique's</i> good health.—Your uncle's good health.—All +the Green family.—Stubbs, your good health.—Spiers, +Crane, etc." The bottles then pass round three +times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks makes +them pay toll. The fourth time she let them pass; +and Jorrocks began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick +the leg of the table, by way of giving her a hint to +depart. This caused a dead silence, which at length +was broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming "horrid +pause!"</p> + +<p>"Horrid paws!" vociferated Mrs. J——, in a towering +rage, "so would yours, let me tell you, sir, if you had +helped to cook all that dinner": and gathering herself +up and repeating the words "horrid paws, indeed, +I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room like +an exasperated turkey-cock; her face, from heat, anger, +and the quantity she had drank, being as red as her gown. +Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she had been +put into a furnace and blown red hot. Jorrocks having +got rid of his "worser half," as he calls her, let out a +reef or two of his acre of white waistcoat, and each man +made himself comfortable according to his acceptation +of the term. "Gentlemen," says Jorrocks, "I'll trouble +you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps off—a bumper +toast—no skylights, if you please. Crane, pass the +wine—you are a regular old stop-bottle—a turnpike +gate, in fact. I think you take back hands—gentlemen, +are you all charged?—then I'll give you THE NOBLE +SPORT OF FOX-'UNTING! gentlemen, with three times +three, and Crane will give the 'ips—all ready—now, ip, +'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza—'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, +'uzza—'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza.—one cheer more, +'UZZA!" After this followed "The Merry Harriers," +then came "The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, +and bad luck to Cheatum," all bumpers; when Jorrocks, +having screwed his courage up to the sticking-place, +called for another, which being complied with, he rose +and delivered himself as follows:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I +am now about to propose—I feel—I feel—(Yorkshireman—'very +queer?') J—— No, not verry queer, and +I'll trouble you to hold your jaw (laughter). Gentlemen, +I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about +to give, I feel—I feel—(Crane—'werry nervous?') J—— No, +not werry nervous, so none of your nonsense; let +me alone, I say. I say, in rising to propose the toast +which I am about to give, I feel—(Mr. Spiers—'very +foolish?' Nimrod—'very funny?' Crane—'werry +rum?') J—— No, werry proud of the distinguished +honour that has been conferred upon me—conferred upon +me—conferred upon me—distinguished honour that has +been conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of +one of the most distinguished men—distinguished men—by +the presence, this day, of one of the most distinguished +men and sportsmen—of modern times (cheers.) +Gentlemen—this is the proudest moment of my life! the +eyes of England are upon us! I give you the health of +Mr. Happerley Nimrod." (Drunk with three times three.)</p> + +<p>When the cheering, and dancing of the glasses had +somewhat subsided, Nimrod rose and spoke as follows:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Jorrocks, and gentlemen",</p> + +<p>"The handsome manner in which my health has been +proposed by our worthy and estimable host, and the +flattering reception it has met with from you, merit +my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be +unworthy of the land which gave me birth, were I +insensible of the honour which has just been done me +by so enlightened and distinguished an assembly as +the present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased +to designate me as one of the most distinguished sportsmen +of the day, a title, however, to which I feel I have +little claim: but this I may say, that I have portrayed +our great national sports in their brightest and most +glowing colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen +shall yield to none (cheers). I have ever been the decided +advocate of many sports and exercises, not only on +account of the health and vigour they inspire, but +because I feel that they are the best safeguards on a +nation's energies, and the best protection against luxury, +idleness, debauchery, and effeminacy (cheers). The +authority of all history informs us, that the energies +of countries flourished whilst manly sports have +flourished, and decayed as they died away (cheers). +What says Juvenal, when speaking of the entry of +luxury into Rome?"</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Saevior armis</p> +<p>Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the +writings of Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for +evidence of the value they have all attached to the +encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, +and the evils produced by a degenerate and effeminate +life on the manners and characters of a people (cheers). +Many of the most eminent literary characters of this and +of other countries have been ardently attached to field +sports; and who, that has experienced their beneficial +results, can doubt that they are the best promoters of +the <i>mens sana in corpore sano</i>—the body sound and +the understanding clear (cheers)? Gentlemen, it is with +feelings of no ordinary gratification that I find myself +at the social and truly hospitable board of one of the +most distinguished ornaments of one of the most celebrated +Hunts in this great country, one whose name +and fame have reached the four corners of the globe—to +find myself after so long an absence from my native +land—an estrangement from all that has ever been +nearest and dearest to my heart—once again surrounded +by these cheerful countenances which so well express +the honest, healthful pursuits of their owners. Let us +then," added Nimrod, seizing a decanter and pouring +himself out a bumper, "drink, in true Kentish fire, the +health and prosperity of that brightest sample of civic +sportsmen, the great and renowned JOHN JORROCKS!"</p> + +<p>Immense applause followed the conclusion of this +speech, during which time the decanters buzzed round +the table, and the glasses being emptied, the company +rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed; Mr. +Jorrocks, sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable +as men in his situation generally do.</p> + +<p>The cheering having subsided, and the parties having +resumed their seats, it was his turn to rise, so getting on +his legs, he essayed to speak, but finding, as many men +do, that his ideas deserted him the moment the "eyes of +England" were turned upon him, after two or three +hitches of his nankeens, and as many hems and haws, +he very coolly resumed his seat, and spoke as follows:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, +I am taken quite aback by this werry unexpected +compliment (cheers); never since I filled the hancient +and honerable hoffice of churchwarden in the populous +parish of St. Botolph Without, have I experienced a +gratification equal to the present. I thank you from +the werry bottom of my breeches-pocket (applause). +Gentlemen, I'm no horator, but I'm a honest man +(cheers). I should indeed be undeserving the name of +a sportsman—undeserving of being a member of that +great and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. Happerley +Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, if +I did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you have +paid it. It is unpossible for me to follow that great +sporting scholar fairly over the ridge and furrow of +his werry intricate and elegant horation, for there are +many of those fine gentlemen's names—French, I presume—that +he mentioned, that I never heard of before, +and cannot recollect; but if you will allow me to run +'eel a little, I would make a few hobservations on a few +of his hobservations.—Mr. Happerley Nimrod, gentlemen, +was pleased to pay a compliment to what he was +pleased to call my something 'ospitality. I am extremely +obliged to him for it. To be surrounded by one's friends +is in my mind the 'Al' of 'uman 'appiness (cheers). +Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of seeing +you all here to-day, and I hope the grub has been to +your likin' (cheers), if not, I'll discharge my butcher. +On the score of quantity there might be a little deficiency, +but I hope the quality was prime. Another +time this shall be all remedied (cheers). Gentlemen, +I understand those cheers, and I'm flattered by them—I +likes 'ospitality!—I'm not the man to keep my +butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals in a quart pot +(immense cheering). Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, +I leaves the flowers of speech to them as is better +acquainted with botany (laughter)—I likes plain English, +both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to +see Mr. Happerley Nimrod has not forgot his, and can +put up with our homely fare, and do without pantaloon +cutlets, blankets of woe,<a id="footnotetag27" name="footnotetag27"></a><a href="#footnote27"><sup>27</sup></a> and such-like miseries."</p> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote27" name="footnote27"></a><b>Footnote 27:</b><a href="#footnotetag27"> (return) </a> "Blanquette de veau."</blockquote> + +<p>"I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots, +and their poisons (poissons); 'ord rot 'em, they near +killed me, and right glad am I to get a glass of old +British black strap. And talking of black strap, gentlemen, +I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to +tip us a song. So now I'm finished—and you, Crane, +lap up your liquor and begin!" (applause).</p> + +<p>Crane was shy—unused to sing in company—nevertheless, +if it was the wish of the party, and if it would +oblige his good customer, Mr. Jorrocks, he would try +his hand at a stave or two made in honour of the immortal +Surrey. Having emptied his glass and cleared +his windpipe, Crane commenced:</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Here's a health to them that can ride!</p> +<p>Here's a health to them that can ride!</p> +<p>And those that don't wish good luck to the cause.</p> +<p>May they roast by their own fireside!</p> +<p>It's good to drown care in the chase,</p> +<p>It's good to drown care in the bowl.</p> +<p>It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,</p> +<p>Here's his health from the depth of my soul."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">CHORUS</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds.</p> +<p class="i2">And echo the shrill tally-ho!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Here's a health to them that can ride!</p> +<p>Here's a health to them that ride bold!</p> +<p>May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied,</p> +<p>In columns of sporting be told!</p> +<p>Here's freedom to him that would walk!</p> +<p>Here's freedom to him that would ride!</p> +<p>There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard</p> +<p>Who the joys of the chase ever tried."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">Hurrah for the loud tally-ho!</p> +<p class="i2">It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds,</p> +<p class="i2">And halloo the loud tally-ho!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Beautiful! beautiful!" exclaimed Jorrocks, clapping +his hands and stamping as Crane had ceased.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"A werry good song, and it's werry well sung.</p> +<p>Jolly companions every one!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses—there's one +toast we must drink in a bumper if we ne'er take a +bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your glass—Mr. +Stubbs, vy don't you fill up?—Mr. Nimrod, off with +your 'eel taps, pray—I'll give ye the 'Surrey 'Unt,' +with all my 'art and soul. Crane, my boy, here's your +werry good health, and thanks for your song!" (All +drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's good health, with +applause, which brings him on his legs with the following +speech):</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking +(laughter), I beg leave on behalf of myself and the +absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to return you our +own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment +you have just paid us, and to assure you that the +esteem and approbation of our fellow-sportsmen is to +us the magnum bonum of all earthly 'appiness (cheers +and laughter). Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer +upon your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy +this wine of my friend Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say +that I have got some more of the same quality left, +at from forty-two to forty-eight shillings a dozen, also +some good stout draught port, at ten and sixpence a +gallon—some ditto werry superior at fifteen; also foreign +and British spirits, and Dutch liqueurs, rich and rare." +The conclusion of the vintner's address was drowned +in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon +the company in succession for a toast, a song, or a +sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The Royal Staghounds"; +Crane gave, "Champagne to our real friends, and real +pain to our sham friends"; Green sung, "I'd be a butterfly"; +Mr. Stubbs gave, "Honest men and bonnie +lasses"; and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic printer, gave, +"The liberty of the Press," which he said was like +fox-hunting—"if we have it not we die"—all of which +Mr. Jorrocks applauded as if he had never heard them +before, and drank in bumpers. It was evident that +unless tea was speedily announced he would soon +become;</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O'er the ills of life victorious,</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the +Queen's English for some time. After a pause, during +which his cheeks twice changed colour, from red to +green and back to red, he again called for a bumper +toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or +parts of a speech:</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen—in rising—propose toast about to +give—feel werry—feel werry—(Yorkshireman, 'werry +muzzy?') J—— feel werry—(Mr. Spiers, 'werry sick?') +J—— werry—(Crane, 'werry thirsty?') J—— feel werry +—(Nimrod, 'werry wise?') J—— no; but werry sensible +—great compliment—eyes of England upon us—give +you the health—Mr. Happerley Nimrod—three times +three!"</p> + +<p>He then attempted to rise for the purpose of marking +the time, but his legs deserted his body, and after +two or three lurches down he went with a tremendous +thump under the table. He called first for "Batsay," then +for "Binjimin," and, game to the last, blurted out, +"Lift me up!—tie me in my chair!—fill my glass!"</p> +<br><br> + + +<a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a> +<h3>XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST:<br> + +AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN</h3> + +<p>On the morning after Mr. Jorrocks's "dinner party" +I had occasion to go into the city, and took Great +Coram Street in my way. My heart misgave me when +I recollected Mrs. J—— and her horrid paws, but still +I thought it my duty to see how the grocer was after +his fall. Arrived at the house I rang the area bell, and +Benjamin, who was cleaning knives below, popped his +head up, and seeing who it was, ran upstairs and opened +the door. His master was up, he said, but "werry bad," +and his misses was out. Leaving him to resume his +knife-cleaning occupation, I slipped quietly upstairs, +and hearing a noise in the bedroom, opened the door, +and found Jorrocks sitting in his dressing-gown in an +easy chair, with Betsey patting his bald head with a +damp towel.</p> + +<p>"Do that again, Batsay! Do that again!" was the +first sound I heard, being an invitation to Betsey to continue +her occupation. "Here's the Yorkshireman, sir," +said Betsey, looking around.</p> + +<p>"Ah, Mr. York, how are you this morning?" said +he, turning a pair of eyes upon me that looked like +boiled gooseberries—his countenance indicating severe +indisposition. "Set down, sir; set down—I'm werry +bad—werry bad indeed—bad go last night. Doesn't +do to go to the lush-crib this weather. How are you, +eh? tell me all about it. Is Mr. Nimrod gone?"</p> + +<p>"Don't know," said I; "I have just come from Lancaster +Street, where I have been seeing an aunt, and +thought I would take Great Coram Street in my way +to the city, to ask how you do—but where's Mrs. +Jorrocks?"</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Oh, cuss Mrs. J——; I knows nothing about +her—been reading the Riot Act, and giving her red rag +a holiday all the morning—wish to God I'd never see'd +her—took her for better and worser, it's werry true; +but she's a d——d deal worser than I took her for. Hope +your hat may long cover your family. Mrs. J——'s gone +to the Commons to Jenner—swears she'll have a diworce, +a <i>mensa et thorax</i>, I think she calls it—wish she may get +it—sick of hearing her talk about it—Jenner's the only +man wot puts up with her, and that's because he gets +his fees. Batsay, my dear! you may damp another towel, +and then get me something to cool my coppers—all in +a glow, I declare—complete fever. You whiles go to +the lush-crib, Mr. Yorkshireman; what now do you +reckon best after a regular drench?</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Oh, nothing like a glass of soda-water +with a bottom of brandy—some people prefer a sermon, +but that won't suit you or I. After your soda and +brandy take a good chivy in the open air, and you'll +be all right by dinner-time.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Right I Bliss ye, I shall niver be right again. +I can scarce move out of my chair, I'm so bad—my +head's just fit to split in two—I'm in no state to be seen.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Oh, pooh!—get your soda-water and +brandy, then have some strong coffee and a red herring, +and you'll be all right, and if you'll find cash, I'll find +company, and we'll go and have a lark together.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Couldn't really be seen out—-besides, cash +is werry scarce. By the way, now that I come to think +on it, I had a five-pounder in my breeches last night. +Just feel in the pocket of them 'ere nankeens, and see +that Mrs. J—— has not grabbed it to pay Jenner's fee +with.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i> (feels). No—all right—here it is—No. +10,497—I promise to pay Mr. Thos. Rippon, or +bearer, on demand, five pounds! Let's demand it, and +go and spend the cash.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> No, no—put it back—or into the table-drawer, +see—fives are werry scarce with me—can't +afford it—must be just before I'm generous.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Well, then, J——, you must just stay +at home and get bullied by Mrs. J——, who will be +back just now, I dare say, perhaps followed by Jenner +and half Doctors' Commons.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. The deuce! I forgot all that—curse Mrs. +J—— and the Commons too. Well, Mr. Yorkshireman, +I don't care if I do go with you—but where shall it +be to? Some place where we can be quiet, for I really +am werry bad, and not up to nothing like a lark.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Suppose we take a sniff of the +briny—Margate—Ramsgate—Broadstairs?</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. No, none of them places—over-well-known +at 'em all—can't be quiet—get to the lush-crib again, +perhaps catch the cholera and go to Gravesend by +mistake. Let's go to the Eel Pye at Twickenham and +live upon fish.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Fish! you old flat. Why, you know, +you'd be the first to cry out if you had to do so. No, +no—let's have no humbug—here, drink your coffee like +a man, and then hustle your purse and see what it will +produce. Why, even Betsey's laughing at the idea of +your living upon fish.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Don't shout so, pray—your woice shoots +through every nerve of my head and distracts me +(drinks). This is grand Mocho—quite the cordial balm +of Gilead—werry fine indeed. Now I feel rewived and +can listen to you.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Well, then, pull on your boots—gird +up your loins, and let's go and spend this five pounds—stay +away as long as it lasts, in fact.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Well, but give me the coin—it's mine you +know—and let me be paymaster, or I know you'll soon +be into dock again. That's right; and now I have got +three half-crowns besides, which I will add.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. And I've got three pence, which, not +to be behind-hand in point of liberality, I'll do the same +with, so that we have got five pounds seven shillings +and ninepence between us, according to Cocker.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Between us, indeed! I likes that. You're a +generous churchwarden.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Well—we won't stand upon trifles the +principle is the thing I look to—and not the amount. +So now where to, your honour?</p> + +<p>After a long parley, we fixed upon Herne Bay. Our +reasons for doing so were numerous, though it would +be superfluous to mention them, save that the circumstance +of neither of us ever having been there, and the +prospect of finding a quiet retreat for Jorrocks to recover +in, were the principal ones. Our arrangements were +soon made. "Batsay," said J—— to his principessa of +a cook, slut, and butler, "the Yorkshireman and I are +going out of town to stay five pounds seven and ninepence, +so put up my traps." Two shirts (one to wash +the other as he said), three pairs of stockings, with +other etceteras, were stamped into a carpet-bag, and +taking a cab, we called at the "Piazza," where I took +a few things, and away we drove to Temple Bar. "Stop +here with the bags," said Jorrocks, "while I go to the +Temple Stairs and make a bargain with a Jacob Faithful +to put us on board, for if they see the bags they'll +think it's a case of necessity, and ask double; whereas +I'll pretend I'm just going a-pleasuring, and when I've +made a bargain, I'll whistle, and you can come." Away +he rolled, and after the lapse of a few minutes I heard +a sort of shilling-gallery cat-call, and obeying the +summons, found he had concluded a bargain for one +and sixpence. We reached St. Catherine's Docks just +as the Herne Bay boat—the <i>Hero</i>—moored alongside, +consequently were nearly the first on board.</p> + +<p>Herne Bay being then quite in its infancy, and this +being what the cits call a "weekday," they had rather +a shy cargo, nor had they any of that cockney tomfoolery +that generally characterises a Ramsgate or +Margate crew, more particularly a Margate one. Indeed, +it was a very slow cargo, Jorrocks being the only +character on board, and he was as sulky as a bear with +a sore head when anyone approached. The day was +beautifully fine, and a thin grey mist gradually disappeared +from the Kentish hills as we passed down the +Thames. The river was gay enough. Adelaide, Queen +of Great Britain and Ireland, was expected on her +return from Germany, and all the vessels hung out their +best and gayest flags and colours to do her honour. The +towns of Greenwich and Woolwich were in commotion. +Charity schools were marching, and soldiers were doing +the like, while steamboats went puffing down the river +with cargoes to meet and escort Her Majesty. When we +got near Tilbury Fort, a man at the head of the steamer +announced that we should meet the Queen in ten +minutes, and all the passengers crowded on to the +paddle-box of the side on which she was to pass, to +view and greet her. Jorrocks even roused himself up +and joined the throng. Presently a crowd of steamers +were seen in the distance, proceeding up the river at +a rapid pace, with a couple of lofty-masted vessels in +tow, the first of which contained the royal cargo. The +leading steamboat was the celebrated <i>Magnet</i>—considered +the fastest boat on the river, and the one in +which Jorrocks and myself steamed from Margate, +racing against and beating the <i>Royal William.</i> This +had the Lord Mayor and Aldermen on board, who had +gone down to the extent of the city jurisdiction to meet +the Queen, and have an excuse for a good dinner. The +deck presented a gay scene, being covered with a +military band, and the gaudy-liveried lackeys belonging +to the Mansion House, and sheriffs whose clothes +were one continuous mass of gold lace and frippery, +shining beautifully brilliant in the midday sun. The +royal yacht, with its crimson and gold pennant floating +on the breeze, came towering up at a rapid pace, with +the Queen sitting under a canopy on deck. As we neared, +all hats were off, and three cheers—or at least as many +as we could wedge in during the time the cortčge took +to sweep past us—were given, our band consisting of +three brandy-faced musicians, striking up <i>God save the +King</i>—a compliment which Her Majesty acknowledged +by a little mandarining; and before the majority of the +passengers had recovered from the astonishment produced +by meeting a live Queen on the Thames, the +whole fleet had shot out of sight. By the time the ripple +on the water, raised by their progress, had subsided, +we had all relapsed into our former state of apathy and +sullenness. A duller or staider set I never saw outside +a Quakers' meeting. Still the beggars eat, as when does +a cockney not in the open air? The stewards of these +steamboats must make a rare thing of their places, +for they have plenty of custom at their own prices. +In fact, being in a steamboat is a species of personal +incarceration, and you have only the option between +bringing your own prog, or taking theirs at whatever +they choose to charge—unless, indeed, a person prefers +going without any. Jorrocks took nothing. He laid down +again after the Queen had passed, and never looked up +until we were a mile or two off Herne Bay.</p> + +<p>With the reader's permission, we will suppose that +we have just landed, and, bags in hand, ascended the +flight of steps that conduct passengers, as it were, from +the briny ocean on to the stage of life.</p> + +<p>"My eyes!" said Jorrocks, as he reached the top, "wot +a pier, and wot a bit of a place! Why, there don't seem +to be fifty houses altogether, reckoning the windmill in +the centre as one. What's this thing?" said he to a +ticket-porter, pointing to a sort of French diligence-looking +concern which had just been pushed up to the +landing end. "To carry the lumber, sir—live and dead—gentlemen +and their bags, as don't like to walk." +"Do you charge anything for the ride?" inquired +Jorrocks, with his customary caution. "Nothing," was +the answer. "Then, let's get on the roof," said J——, +"and take it easy, and survey the place as we go along." +So, accordingly, we clambered on to the top of the +diligence, "summā diligentiā," and seated ourselves on +a pile of luggage; being all stowed away, and as many +passengers as it would hold put inside, two or three +porters proceeded to propel the machine along the +railroad on which it runs. "Now, Mr. Yorkshireman," +said Jorrocks, "we are in a strange land, and it behoves +us to proceed with caution, or we may spend +our five pounds seven and sixpence before we know +where we are."</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman</i>. Seven and ninepence it is, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks</i>. Well, be it so—five pounds seven and ninepence +between two, is by no means an impossible sum +to spend, and the trick is to make it go as far as we +can. Now some men can make one guinea go as far as +others can make two, and we will try what we can do. +In the first place, you know I makes it a rule never +to darken the door of a place wot calls itself an 'otel, +for 'otel prices and inn prices are werry different. You +young chaps don't consider these things, and as long +as you have got a rap in the world you go swaggering +about, ordering claret and waxlights, and everything +wot's expensive, as though you must spend money +because you are in an inn. Now, that's all gammon. +If a man haven't got money he can't spend it; and we +all know that many poor folks are obliged at times to +go to houses of public entertainment, and you don't +suppose that they pay for fire and waxlights, private +sitting-rooms, and all them 'ere sort of things. Now, +said he, adjusting his hunting telescope and raking the +town of Herne Bay, towards which we were gently +approaching on our dignified eminence, but as yet had +not got near enough to descry "what was what" with +the naked eye, I should say yon great staring-looking +shop directly opposite us is the cock inn of the place +(looks through his glass). I'm right P-i-e-r, Pier 'Otel +I reads upon the top, and that's no shop for my money. +Let's see what else we have. There's nothing on the +right, I think, but here on the left is something like our +cut—D-o-l dol, p-h-i-n phin, Dolphin Inn. It's long since +I went the circuit, as the commercial gentlemen (or +what were called bagmen in my days) term it, but I +haven't forgot the experience I gained in my travels, +and I whiles turn it to werry good account now.</p> + +<p>"Coach to Canterbury, Deal, Margate, sir, going +directly," interrupted him, and reminded us that we +had got to the end of the pier, and ought to be descending. +Two or three coaches were drawn up, waiting +to carry passengers on, but we had got to our +journey's end. "Now," said J——, "let's take our bags +in hand and draw up wind, trying the 'Dolphin' first."</p> + +<p>Rejecting the noble portals of the Pier Hotel, we +advanced towards Jorrocks's chosen house, a plain +unpretending-looking place facing the sea, which is +half the battle, and being but just finished had every +chance of cleanliness. "Jonathan Acres" appeared above +the door as the name of the landlord, and a little square-built, +hatless, short-haired chap, in a shooting-jacket, +was leaning against the door. "Mr. Hacres within?" +said Jorrocks. "My name's Acres," said he of the +shooting-jacket. "Humph," said J——, looking him +over, "not Long Acre, I think." Having selected a +couple of good airy bedrooms, we proceeded to see +about dinner. "Mr. Hacres," said Jorrocks, "I makes +it a rule never to pay more than two and sixpence for +a feed, so now just give us as good a one as you possibly +can for that money": and about seven o'clock we sat +down to lamb-chops, ducks, French beans, pudding, +etc.; shortly after which Jorrocks retired to rest, to +sleep off the remainder of his headache. He was up long +before me the next morning, and had a dip in the sea +before I came down. "Upon my word," said he, as I +entered the room, and found him looking as lively and +fresh as a four-year-old, "it's worth while going to the +lush-crib occasionally, if it's only for the pleasure of +feeling so hearty and fresh as one does on the second +day. I feel just as if I could jump out of my skin, but +I will defer the performance until after breakfast. I have +ordered a fork one, do you know, cold 'am and boiled +bacon, with no end of eggs, and bread of every possible +description. By the way, I've scraped acquaintance with +Thorp, the baker hard by, who's a right good fellow, +and says he will give me some shooting, and has some +werry nice beagles wot he shoots to. But here's the +grub. Cold 'am in abundance. But, waiter, you should +put a little green garnishing to the dishes, I likes to +see it, green is so werry refreshing to the eye; and tell +Mr. Hacres to send up some more bacon and the bill, +when I rings the bell. Nothing like having your bill +the first morning, and then you know what you've got +to pay, and can cut your coat according to your cloth." +The bacon soon disappeared, and the bell being sounded, +produced the order.</p> + +<p>"Humph," said J——, casting his eyes over the bill +as it lay by the side of his plate, while he kept pegging +away at the contents of the neighbouring dish—"pretty +reasonable, I think—dinners, five shillings, that's half +a crown each; beds, two shillings each; breakfasts, one +and ninepence each, that's cheap for a fork breakfast; +but, I say, you had a pint of sherry after I left you last +night, and PALE sherry too! How could you be such an +egreggorus (egregious) ass! That's so like you young +chaps, not to know that the only difference between +pale and brown sherry is, that one has more of the +pumpaganus aqua in it than the other. You should +have made it pale yourself, man. But look there. Wot +a go!"</p> + +<p>Our attention was attracted to a youth in spectacles, +dressed in a rich plum-coloured coat, on the outside of +a dingy-looking, big-headed, brown nag, which he was +flogging and cramming along the public walk in front +of the "Dolphin," in the most original and ludicrous +manner. We presently recognised him as one of our +fellow-passengers of the previous day, respecting whom +Jorrocks and I had had a dispute as to whether he was +a Frenchman or a German. His equestrian performances +decided the point. I never in all my life witnessed such +an exhibition, nor one in which the performer evinced +such self-complacency. Whether he had ever been on +horseback before or not I can't tell, but the way in +which he went to work, using the bridle as a sort of +rattle to frighten the horse forward, the way in which +he shook the reins, threw his arms about, and belaboured +the poor devil of an animal in order to get him into a +canter (the horse of course turning away every time he +saw the blow coming), and the free, unrestrained liberty +he gave to his head, surpassed everything of the sort I +ever saw, and considerably endangered the lives of +several of His Majesty's lieges that happened to be +passing. Instead of getting out of their way, Frenchmanlike, +he seemed to think everything should give +way to an equestrian; and I saw him scatter a party +of ladies like a covey of partridges, by riding slap +amongst them, and not even making the slightest +apology or obeisance for the rudeness. There he kept, +cantering (or cantering as much as he could induce the +poor rip to do) from one end of the town to the other, +conceiving, I make not the slightest doubt, that he was +looked upon with eyes of admiration by the beholders. +He soon created no little sensation, and before he was +done a crowd had collected near the Pier Hotel, to see +him get his horse past (it being a Pier Hotel nag) each +time; and I heard a primitive sort of postman, who +was delivering the few letters that arrive in the place, +out of a fish-basket, declare "that he would sooner kill +a horse than lend it to such a chap." Having fretted his +hour away, the owner claimed the horse, and Monsieur +was dismounted.</p> + +<p>After surveying the back of the town, we found ourselves +rambling in some beautiful picturesque fields in +the rear. Kent is a beautiful county, and the trimly +kept gardens, and the clustering vines twining around +the neatly thatched cottages, remind one of the rich, +luxuriant soil and climate of the South. Forgetting that +we were in search of sea breezes, we continued to +saunter on, across one field, over one stile and then over +another, until after passing by the side of a snug-looking +old-fashioned house, with a beautifully kept garden, +the road took a sudden turn and brought us to some +parkish-looking well-timbered ground in front, at one +side of which Jorrocks saw something that he swore +was a kennel.</p> + +<p>"I knows a hawk from a hand-saw," said he, "let me +alone for that. I'll swear there are hounds in it. Bless +your heart, don't I see a gilt fox on one end, and a gilt +hare on the other?"</p> + +<p>Just then came up a man in a round fustian jacket, +to whom Jorrocks addressed himself, and, as good luck +would have it, he turned out to be the huntsman (for +Jorrocks was right about the kennel), and away we +went to look at the hounds. They proved to be Mr. +Collard's, the owner of the house that we had just +passed, and were really a very nice pack of harriers, +consisting of seventeen or eighteen couple, kept in better +style (as far as kennel appearance goes) than three-fourths +of the harriers in England. Bird, the huntsman, +our cicerone, seemed a regular keen one in hunting +matters, and Jorrocks and he had a long confab about +the "noble art of hunting," though the former was +rather mortified to find on announcing himself as the +"celebrated Mr. Jorrocks" that Bird had never heard +of him before.</p> + +<p>After leaving the kennel we struck across a few fields, +and soon found ourselves on the sea banks, along which +we proceeded at the rate of about two miles an hour, +until we came to the old church of Reculvers. Hard by +is a public-house, the sign of the "Two Sisters," where, +having each taken a couple of glasses of ale, we proceeded +to enjoy one of the (to me at least) greatest +luxuries in life—viz. that of lying on the shingle of +the beach with my heels just at the water's edge.</p> + +<p>The day was intensely hot, and after occupying this +position for about half an hour, and finding the "perpendicular +rays of the sun" rather fiercer than agreeable, +we followed the example of a flock of sheep, and +availed ourselves of the shade afforded by the Reculvers. +Here for a short distance along the beach, on both sides, +are small breakwaters, and immediately below the +Reculvers is one formed of stake and matting, capable +of holding two persons sofa fashion. Into this Jorrocks +and I crept, the tide being at that particular point +that enabled us to repose, with the water lashing our +cradle on both sides, without dashing high enough to +wet us.</p> + +<p>"Oh, but this is fine!" said J——, dangling his arm +over the side, and letting the sea wash against his hand. +"I declare it comes fizzing up just like soda-water out +of a bottle—reminds me of the lush-crib. By the way, +Mr. Yorkshireman, I heard some chaps in our inn this +morning talking about this werry place, and one of +them said that there used to be a Roman station, or +something of that sort, at it. Did you know anything +of them 'ere ancient Romans? Luxterous dogs, I understand. +If Mr. Nimrod was here now he could tell us all +about them, for, if I mistake not, he was werry intimate +with some of them—either he or his father, at least."</p> + +<p>A boat that had been gradually advancing towards +us now run on shore, close by where we were lying, and +one of the crew landed with a jug to get some beer. A +large basket at the end attracted Jorrocks's attention, +and, doglike, he got up and began to hover about and +inquire about their destination of the remaining crew, +four in number. They were a cockney party of pleasure, +it seemed, going to fish, for which purpose they had +hired the boat, and laid in no end of bait for the fish, +and prog for themselves. Jorrocks, though no great +fisherman (not having, as he says, patience enough), +is never at a loss if there is plenty of eating; and finding +that they had got a great chicken pie, two tongues, and +a tart, agreed to pay for the boat if they would let us +in upon equal terms with themselves as to the provender, +which was agreed to without a debate. The +messenger having returned with a gallon of ale, we embarked, +and away we slid through the "glad waters +of the dark blue sea." It was beautifully calm, scarcely +a breeze appearing on the surface. After rowing for +about an hour, one of the boatmen began to adjust +the lines and bait the hooks; and having got into what +he esteemed a favourite spot, he cast anchor and prepared +for the sport. Each man was prepared with a +long strong cord line, with a couple of hooks fastened +to the ends of about a foot of whalebone, with a small +leaden plummet in the centre. The hooks were baited +with sandworms, and the instructions given were, after +sounding the depth, to raise the hooks a little from the +bottom, so as to let them hang conveniently for the fish +to swallow. Great was the excitement as we dropped +the lines overboard, as to who should catch the first +whale. Jorrocks and myself having taken the fishermen's +lines from them, we all met upon pretty equal +terms, much like gentlemen jockeys in a race. A dead +silence ensued. "I have one!" cried the youngest of +our new friends. "Then pull him up," responded one +of the boatmen, "gently, or you'll lose him." "And so +I have, by God! he's gone." "Well, never mind," said +the boatmen, "let's see your bait—aye, he's got that, +too. We'll put some fresh on—there you are again—all +right. Now drop it gently, and when you find you've +hooked him, wind the line quickly, but quietly, and be +sure you don't jerk the hook out of his mouth at starting." +"I've got one!" cries Jorrocks—"I've got one—now, +my wig, if I can but land him. I have him, certainly—by +Jove! he's a wopper, too, judging by the way he +kicks. Oh, but it's no use, sir—come along—come along—here +he is—doublets, by crikey—two, huzza! huzza! +What fine ones!—young haddocks or codlings, I should +call them—werry nice eating, I dare say—I'm blow'd +if this arn't sport." "I have one," cries our young friend +again. "So have I," shouts another; and just at the same +moment I felt the magic touch of my bait, and in an +instant I felt the thrilling stroke. The fish were absolutely +voracious, and we had nothing short of a miraculous +draught. As fast as we could bait they swallowed, +and we frequently pulled them up two at a time. Jorrocks +was in ecstasies. "It was the finest sport he had ever +encountered," and he kept halloaing and shouting every +time he pulled them up, as though he were out with the +Surrey. Having just hooked a second couple, he baited +again and dropped his line. Two of our new friends had +hooked fish at the same instant, and, in their eagerness +to take them, overbalanced the boat, and Jorrocks, +who was leaning over, went head foremost down into +the deeps!</p> + +<br><br> + + +<p>A terrible surprise came over us, and for a second or +two we were so perfectly thunderstruck as to be incapable +of rendering any assistance. A great splash, +followed by a slight gurgling sound, as the water bubbled +and subsided o'er the place where he went down, was +all that denoted the exit of our friend. After a considerable +dive he rose to the surface, minus his hat and +wig, but speedily disappeared. The anchor was weighed, +oars put out, and the boat rowed to the spot where he +last appeared. He rose a third time, but out of arms' +reach, apparently lifeless, and just as he was sinking, +most probably for ever, one of the men contrived to +slip the end of an oar under his arm, and support him +on the water until he got within reach from the boat.</p> + +<p>The consternation when we got him on board was +tremendous! Consisting, as we did, of two parties, +neither knowing where the other had come from, we +remained in a state of stupefied horror, indecision, and +amazement for some minutes. The poor old man lay +extended in the bottom of the boat, apparently lifeless, +and even if the vital spark had not fled, there seemed +no chance of reaching Herne Bay, whose pier, just then +gilded by the rich golden rays of the setting sun, appeared +in the far distance of the horizon. Where to row to was +the question. No habitation where effective succour +could be procured appeared on the shore, and to proceed +without a certain destination was fruitless. How +helpless such a period as this makes a man feel! "Let's +make for Grace's," at length exclaimed one of the +boatmen, and the other catching at the proposition, the +head of the boat was whipped round in an instant, and +away we sped through the glassy-surfaced water. Not +a word broke upon the sound of the splashing oars +until, nearing the shore, one of the men, looking round, +directed us to steer a little to the right, in the direction +of a sort of dell or land-break, peculiar to the Isle of +Thanet; and presently we ran the head of the boat upon +the shingle, just where a small rivulet that, descending +from the higher grounds, waters the thickly wooded +ravine, and discharges itself into the sea. The entrance +of this dell is formed by a lofty precipitous rock, with +a few stunted overhanging trees on one side, while the +other is more open and softened in its aspect, and +though steep and narrow at the mouth, gently slopes +away into a brushwood-covered bank, which, stretching +up the little valley, becomes lost in a forest of +lofty oaks that close the inland prospect of the place. +Here, to the left (just after one gets clear of the steeper +part), commanding a view of the sea, and yet almost +concealed from the eye of a careless traveller, was a +lonely hut (the back wall formed by an excavation of +the sandy rock) and the rest of clay, supporting a +wooden roof, made of the hull of a castaway wreck, +the abode of an old woman, called Grace Ganderne, +well known throughout the whole Isle of Thanet as a +poor harmless secluded widow, who subsisted partly +on the charity of her neighbours, and partly on what +she could glean from the smugglers, for the assistance +she affords them in running their goods on that coast; +and though she had been at work for forty years, she +had never had the misfortune to be detected in the +act, notwithstanding the many puncheons of spirits +and many bales of goods fished out of the dark woods +near her domicile.</p> + +<p>To this spot it was, just as the "setting sun's pathetic +light" had been succeeded by the grey twilight of the +evening, that we bore the body of our unfortunate companion. +The door was closed, but Grace being accustomed +to nocturnal visitors, speedily answered the first +summons and presented herself. She was evidently of +immense age, being nearly bowed double, and her figure, +with her silvery hair, confined by a blue checked cotton +handkerchief, and palsied hand, as tremblingly she +rested upon her staff and eyed the group, would have +made a subject worthy of the pencil of a Landseer. She +was wrapped in an old red cloak, with a large hood, +and in her ears she wore a pair of long gold-dropped +earrings, similar to what one sees among the Norman +peasantry—the gift, as I afterwards learned, of a +drowned lover. After scrutinising us for a second or +two, during which time a large black cat kept walking +to and fro, purring and rubbing itself against her, she +held back the door and beckoned us to enter. The little +place was cleanly swept up, and a faggot and some +dry brushwood, which she had just lighted for the +purpose of boiling her kettle, threw a gleam of light +over the apartment, alike her bedchamber, parlour, +and kitchen. Her curtainless bed at the side, covered +with a coarse brown counterpane, was speedily prepared +for our friend, into which being laid, our new +acquaintances were dispatched in search of doctors, +while the boatman and myself, under the direction of +old Grace, applied ourselves to procuring such restoratives +as her humble dwelling afforded.</p> + +<p>"Let Grace alone," said the younger of the boatmen, +seeing my affliction at the lamentable catastrophe, "if +there be but a spark of life in the gentleman, she'll +bring him round—many's the drowning man—aye, and +wounded one, too—that's been brought in here during +the stormy nights, and after fights with the coast-guard—that +she's recovered."</p> + +<p>Hot bottles, and hot flannels, and hot bricks were +all applied, but in vain; and when I saw hot brandy, +too, fail of having the desired effect, I gave my friend +up as lost, and left the hut to vent my grief in the open +air. Grace was more sanguine and persevering, and +when I returned, after a half-hour's absence, I could +distinctly feel a returning pulse. Still, he gave no +symptoms of animation, and it might only be the effect +produced by the applications—as he remained in the +same state for several hours. Fresh wood was added +to the fire, and the boatmen having returned to their +vessel, Grace and I proceeded to keep watch during +the night, or until the arrival of a doctor. The poor old +body, to whom scenes such as this were matter of frequent +occurrence, seemed to think nothing of it, and +proceeded to relate some of the wonderful escapes and +recoveries she had witnessed, in the course of which +she dropped many a sigh to the memory of some of +her friends—the bold smugglers. There were no such +"braw lads" now as formerly, she said, and were it +not that "she was past eighty, and might as weel die +in one place as anither, she wad gang back to the bonny +blue hulls (hills) of her ain canny Scotland."</p> + +<p>In the middle of one of her long stories I thought I +perceived a movement of the bedclothes, and, going to +look, I found a considerable increase in the quickness +of pulsation, and also a generous sort of glow upon the +skin. "An' ded I no tell ye I wad recover him?" said +she, with a triumphant look. "Afore twa mair hours are +o'er he'll spak to ye." "I hope so, I'm sure," said I, +still almost doubting her. "Oh, trust to me," said she, +"he'll come about—I've seen mony a chiel in a mickle +worse state nor him recovered. Pray, is the ould gintleman +your father or your grandfather?"</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Why, I can't say that he's either +exactly—but he's always been as good as a grandmother +to me, I know.</p> + +<p>Grace was right. About three o'clock in the morning +a sort of revulsion of nature took place, and after having +lain insensible, and to all appearance lifeless, all that +time, he suddenly began to move. Casting his eye +wildly around, he seemed lost in amazement. He +muttered something, but what it was I could not catch.</p> + +<p>"Lush-crib again, by Jove!" were the first words he +articulated, and then, appearing to recollect himself, +he added, "Oh, I forgot, I'm drowned—well drowned, +too—can't be help'd, however—wasn't born to be +hanged—and that seems clear." Thus he kept muttering +and mumbling for an hour, until old Grace thinking +him so far recovered as to remove all danger from +sudden surprise, allowed me to take her seat at the +bedside. He looked at me long and intensely, but the +light was not sufficiently strong to enable him to make +out who I was.</p> + +<p>"Jorrocks!" at length said I, taking him by the +hand, "how are you, my old boy?" He started at the +sound of his name. "Jorrocks," said he, "who's that?" +"Why, the Yorkshireman; you surely have not forgotten +your old friend and companion in a hundred +fights!"</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Oh, Mr. York, it's you, is it? Much obliged +by your inquiries, but I'm drowned.</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshireman.</i> Aye, but you are coming round, you'll +be better before long.</p> + +<p><i>Jorrocks.</i> Never! Don't try to gammon me. You +know as well as I do that I'm drowned, and a drowned +man never recovers. No, no, it's all up with me, I feel. +Set down, however, while I say a few words to you. +You're a good fellow, and I've remembered you in my +will, which you'll find in the strong port-wine-bin, along +with nine pounds secret service money. I hopes you'll +think the legacy a fat one. I meant it as such. If you +marry Belinda, I have left you a third of my fourth in +the tea trade. Always said you were cut out for a grocer. +Let Tat sell my stud. An excellent man, Tat—proudish +perhaps—at least, he never inwites me to none of his +dinners—but still a werry good man. Let him sell them, +I say, and mind give Snapdragon a charge or two of +shot before he goes to the 'ammer, to prevent his roaring. +Put up a plain monument to my memory—black or +white marble, whichever's cheapest—but mind, no +Cupids or seraphums, or none of those sort of things—quite +plain—with just this upon it—<i>Hic jacet Jorrocks.</i> +And now I'll give you a bit of news. Neptune has +appointed me huntsman to his pack of haddocks. Have +two dolphins for my own riding, and a young lobster +to look after them. Lord Farebrother whips in to me—he +rides a turtle. "And now, my good friend," said +he, grasping my hands with redoubled energy, "do you +think you could accomplish me a rump-steak and +oyster sauce?—also a pot of stout?—but, mind, blow +the froth off the top, for it's bad for the kidneys!"</p> +<br><br> + +<p class="mid">THE END</p> +<br><br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities +by Robert Smith Surtees + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + +***** This file should be named 15387-h.htm or 15387-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/8/15387/ + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/15387-h/images/01.png b/15387-h/images/01.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..904d8ca --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-h/images/01.png diff --git a/15387-h/images/02.png b/15387-h/images/02.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..292d1db --- /dev/null +++ b/15387-h/images/02.png diff --git a/15387.txt b/15387.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7959bba --- /dev/null +++ b/15387.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8678 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities, by Robert Smith Surtees + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + +Author: Robert Smith Surtees + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15387] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + + + + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + + + + + Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities + + Robert Surtees + +CONTENTS + + I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY + II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY + III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE + IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS + V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET + VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY + VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE + VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH + IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS + X. SPORTING IN FRANCE + XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE" + XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY + XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN + + + +I. THE SWELL AND THE SURREY + +What true-bred city sportsman has not in his day put off the most urgent +business--perhaps his marriage, or even the interment of his rib--that +he might "brave the morn" with that renowned pack, the Surrey +subscription foxhounds? Lives there, we would ask, a thoroughbred, +prime, bang-up, slap-dash, break-neck, out-and-out artist, within three +miles of the Monument, who has not occasionally "gone a good 'un" with +this celebrated pack? And shall we, the bard of Eastcheap, born all +deeds of daring to record, shall we, who so oft have witnessed--nay, +shared--the hardy exploits of our fellow-cits, shall we sit still, and +never cease the eternal twirl of our dexter around our sinister thumb, +while other scribes hand down to future ages the paltry feats of +beardless Meltonians, and try to shame old Father Thames himself with +muddy Whissendine's foul stream? Away! thou vampire, Indolence, that +suckest the marrow of imagination, and fattenest on the cream of idea +ere yet it float on the milk of reflection. Hence! slug-begotten hag, +thy power is gone--the murky veil thou'st drawn o'er memory's sweetest +page is rent! + + Harp of Eastcheap, awake! + +Our thoughts hark back to the cover-side, and our heart o'erflows with +recollections of the past, when life rode the pace through our veins, +and the bark of the veriest mongrel, or the bray of the sorriest +costermonger's sorriest "Jerusalem," were far more musical sounds than +Paganini's pizzicatos or Catalani's clamorous caterwaulings. + +And, thou, Goddess of the Silver Bow--chaste Diana--deign to become the +leading star of our lucubrations; come perch upon our grey goose quill; +shout in our ear the maddening Tally-ho! and ever and anon give a +salutary "refresher" to our memory with thy heaven-wrought spurs--those +spurs old Vulcan forged when in his maddest mood--whilst we relate such +feats of town-born youths and city squires, as shall "harrow up +the souls" of milk-sop Melton's choicest sons, and "fright their +grass-galloping garrons from their propriety." But gently, +Pegasus!--Here again, boys, and "let's to business," as they say on +'Change. + +'Twere almost needless to inform our readers, that such portion of a +county as is hunted by any one pack of hounds is technically denominated +their country; and of all countries under the sun, that of the Surrey +subscription foxhounds undoubtedly bears the bell. This superiority +arises from the peculiar nature of the soil--wretched starvation stuff +most profusely studded with huge sharp flints--the abundance of large +woods, particularly on the Kent side, and the range of mountainous hills +that run directly through the centre, which afford accommodation to the +timid, and are unknown in most counties and unequalled in any. + +One of the most striking features in the aspect of this chosen region of +fox-hunting, is the quiet easy manner in which the sportsmen take the +thing. On they go--now trotting gently over the flints--now softly +ambling along the grassy ridge of some stupendous hill--now quietly +following each other in long-drawn files, like geese, through some +close and deep ravine, or interminable wood, which re-echoes to their +never-ceasing holloas--every man shouting in proportion to the amount of +his subscription, until day is made horrible with their yelling. There +is no pushing, jostling, rushing, cramming, or riding over one another; +no jealousy, discord, or daring; no ridiculous foolhardy feats; but each +man cranes and rides, and rides and cranes in a style that would gladden +the eye of a director of an insurance office. + +The members of the Surrey are the people that combine business with +pleasure, and even in the severest run can find time for sweet +discourse, and talk about the price of stocks or stockings. "Yooi wind +him there, good dog, yooi wind him."--"Cottons is fell."--"Hark to +Cottager! Hark!"--"Take your bill at three months, or give you three +and a half discount for cash." "Eu in there, eu in, Cheapside, good +dog."--"Don't be in a hurry, sir, pray. He may be in the empty casks +behind the cooper's. Yooi, try for him, good bitch. Yooi, push him +out."--"You're not going down that bank, surely sir? Why, it's almost +perpendicular! For God's sake, sir, take care--remember you are not +insured. Ah! you had better get off--here, let me hold your nag, and +when you're down you can catch mine;--that's your sort but mind he +doesn't break the bridle. He won't run away, for he knows I've got some +sliced carrots in my pocket to reward him if he does well.--Thank you, +sir, and now for a leg up--there we are--that's your sort--I'll wait +till you are up also, and we'll be off together." + +It is this union of the elegant courtesies and business of life with +the energetic sports of the field, that constitutes the charm of Surrey +hunting; and who can wonder that smoke-dried cits, pent up all the week, +should gladly fly from their shops to enjoy a day's sport on a Saturday? +We must not, however, omit to express a hope that young men, who +have their way to make in the world, may not be led astray by its +allurements. It is all very well for old-established shopkeepers "to do +a bit of pleasure" occasionally, but the apprentice or journeyman, who +understands his duties and the tricks of his trade, will never be found +capering in the hunting field. He will feel that his proper place is +behind the counter; and while his master is away enjoying the pleasures +of the chase, he can prig as much "pewter" from the till as will take +both himself and his lass to Sadler's Wells theatre, or any other place +she may choose to appoint. + +But to return to the Surrey. The town of Croydon, nine miles from +the standard in Cornhill, is the general rendezvous of the gallant +sportsmen. It is the principal market town in the eastern division of +the county of Surrey; and the chaw-bacons who carry the produce of their +acres to it, instead of to the neighbouring village of London, retain +much of their pristine barbarity. The town furnishes an interesting +scene on a hunting morning, particularly on a Saturday. At an early +hour, groups of grinning cits may be seen pouring in from the London +side, some on the top of Cloud's coaches,[1] some in taxed carts, but +the greater number mounted on good serviceable-looking nags, of the +invaluable species, calculated for sport or business, "warranted free +from vice, and quiet both to ride and in harness"; some few there are, +who, with that kindness and considerate attention which peculiarly mark +this class of sportsmen, have tacked a buggy to their hunter, and given +a seat to a friend, who leaning over the back of the gig, his jocund +phiz turned towards his fidus Achates, leads his own horse behind, +listening to the discourse of "his ancient," or regaling him "with sweet +converse"; and thus they onward jog, until the sign of the "Greyhound," +stretching quite across the main street, greets their expectant optics, +and seems to forbid their passing the open portal below. In they wend +then, and having seen their horses "sorted," and the collar marks (as +much as may be) carefully effaced by the shrewd application of a due +quantity of grease and lamp-black, speed in to "mine host" and order a +sound repast of the good things of this world; the which to discuss, +they presently apply themselves with a vigour that indicates as much a +determination to recruit fatigue endured, as to lay in stock against the +effects of future exertion. Meanwhile the bustle increases; sportsmen +arrive by the score, fresh tables are laid out, covered with "no end" of +vivers; and towards the hour of nine, may be heard to perfection, that +pleasing assemblage of sounds issuing from the masticatory organs of +a number of men steadfastly and studiously employed in the delightful +occupation of preparing their mouthfuls for deglutition. "O noctes +coenaeque Deum," said friend Flaccus. Oh, hunting breakfasts! say we. +Where are now the jocund laugh, the repartee, the oft-repeated tale, the +last debate? As our sporting contemporary, the _Quarterly_, said, when +describing the noiseless pursuit of old reynard by the Quorn: "Reader, +there is no crash now, and not much music." It is the tinker that makes +a great noise over a little work, but, at the pace these men are eating, +there is no time for babbling. So, gentle lector, there is now no +leisure for bandying compliments, 'tis your small eater alone who +chatters o'er his meals; your true-born sportsman is ever a silent and, +consequently, an assiduous grubber. True it is that occasionally space +is found between mouthfuls to vociferate "WAITER!" in a tone that +requires not repetition; and most sonorously do the throats of the +assembled eaters re-echo the sound; but this is all--no useless +exuberance of speech--no, the knife or fork is directed towards what +is wanted, nor needs there any more expressive intimation of the +applicant's wants. + +[Footnote 1: The date of this description, it must be remembered, is put +many years back.] + +At length the hour of ten approaches; bills are paid, pocket-pistols +filled, sandwiches stowed away, horses accoutred, and our bevy straddle +forth into the town, to the infinite gratification of troops of +dirty-nosed urchins, who, for the last hour, have been peeping in at the +windows, impatiently watching for the _exeunt_ of our worthies.--They +mount, and away--trot, trot--bump, bump--trot, trot--bump, bump--over +Addington Heath, through the village, and up the hill to Hayes Common, +which having gained, spurs are applied, and any slight degree of +pursiness that the good steeds may have acquired by standing at livery +in Cripplegate, or elsewhere, is speedily pumped out of them by a +smart brush over the turf, to the "Fox," at Keston, where a numerous +assemblage of true sportsmen patiently await the usual hour for throwing +off. At length time being called, say twenty minutes to eleven, and Mr. +Jorrocks, Nodding Homer, and the principal subscribers having cast up, +the hounds approach the cover. "Yooi in there!" shouts Tom Hills, who +has long hunted this crack pack; and crack! crack! crack! go the whips +of some scores of sportsmen. "Yelp, yelp, yelp," howl the hounds; and in +about a quarter of an hour Tom has not above four or five couple at his +heels. This number being a trifle, Tom runs his prad at a gap in the +fence by the wood-side; the old nag goes well at it, but stops short at +the critical moment, and, instead of taking the ditch, bolts and wheels +round. Tom, however, who is "large in the boiling pieces," as they say +at Whitechapel, is prevented by his weight from being shaken out of his +saddle; and, being resolved to take no denial, he lays the crop of his +hunting-whip about the head of his beast, and runs him at the same spot +a second time, with an _obligato_ accompaniment of his spur-rowels, +backed by a "curm along then!" issued in such a tone as plainly informs +his quadruped he is in no joking humour. These incentives succeed in +landing Tom and his nag in the wished-for spot, when, immediately, +the wood begins to resound with shouts of "Yoicks True-bo-y, yoicks +True-bo-y, yoicks push him up, yoicks wind him!" and the whole pack +begin to work like good 'uns. Occasionally may be heard the howl of some +unfortunate hound that has been caught in a fox trap, or taken in a hare +snare; and not unfrequently the discordant growls of some three or +four more, vociferously quarrelling over the venerable remains of some +defunct rabbit. "Oh, you rogues!" cries Mr. Jorrocks, a cit rapturously +fond of the sport. After the lapse of half an hour the noise in the wood +for a time increases audibly. 'Tis Tom chastising the gourmands. Another +quarter of an hour, and a hound that has finished his coney bone slips +out of the wood, and takes a roll upon the greensward, opining, no +doubt, that such pastime is preferable to scratching his hide among +brambles in the covers. "Hounds have no right to opine," opines the head +whipper-in; so clapping spurs into his prad, he begins to pursue the +delinquent round the common, with "Markis, Markis! what are you at, +Markis? get into cover, Markis!" But "it's no go"; Marquis creeps +through a hedge, and "grins horribly a ghastly smile" at his ruthless +tormentor, who wends back, well pleased at having had an excuse for +taking "a bit gallop"! Half an hour more slips away, and some of +the least hasty of our cits begin to wax impatient, in spite of the +oft-repeated admonition, "don't be in a hurry!" At length a yokel pops +out of the cover, and as soon as he has recovered breath, informs the +field that he has been "a-hollorin' to 'em for half an hour," and that +the fox had "gone away for Tatsfield, 'most as soon as ever the 'oounds +went into 'ood." + +All is now hurry-scurry--girths are tightened--reins gathered +up--half-munched sandwiches thrust into the mouth--pocket-pistols +applied to--coats comfortably buttoned up to the throat; and, these +preparations made, away goes the whole field, "coolly and fairly," along +the road to Leaves Green and Crown Ash Hill--from which latter spot, the +operations of the pack in the bottom may be comfortably and securely +viewed--leaving the whips to flog as many hounds out of cover as they +can, and Tom to entice as many more as are willing to follow the "twang, +twang, twang" of his horn. + +And now, a sufficient number of hounds having been seduced from the +wood, forth sallies "Tummas," and making straight for the spot where our +yokel's "mate" stands leaning on his plough-stilts, obtains from him the +exact latitude and longitude of the spot where reynard broke through the +hedge. To this identical place is the pack forthwith led; and, no sooner +have they reached it, than the wagging of their sterns clearly shows how +genuine is their breed. Old Strumpet, at length, first looking up in +Tom's face for applause, ventures to send forth a long-drawn howl, +which, coupled with Tom's screech, setting the rest agog, away they all +go, like beans; and the wind, fortunately setting towards Westerham, +bears the melodious sound to the delighted ears of our "roadsters," who, +forthwith catching the infection, respond with deafening shouts and +joyous yells, set to every key, and disdaining the laws of harmony. +Thus, what with Tom's horn, the holloaing of the whips, and the shouts +of the riders, a very pretty notion may be formed of what Virgil calls: + + "Clamorque virum, clangorque tubarum." + +A terrible noise is the result! + +At the end of nine minutes or so, the hounds come to fault in the +bottom, below the blacksmith's, at Crown Ash Hill, and the fox has a +capital chance; in fact, they have changed for the blacksmith's tom cat, +which rushed out before them, and finding their mistake, return at their +leisure. This gives the most daring of the field, on the eminence, an +opportunity of descending to view the sport more closely; and being +assembled in the bottom, each congratulates his neighbour on the +excellent condition and stanchness of the hounds, and the admirable view +that has been afforded them of their peculiar style of hunting. At this +interesting period, a "regular swell" from Melton Mowbray, unknown to +everyone except his tailor, to whom he owes a long tick, makes his +appearance and affords abundance of merriment for our sportsmen. He +is just turned out of the hands of his valet, and presents the very +beau-ideal of his caste--"quite the lady," in fact. His hat is stuck on +one side, displaying a profusion of well-waxed ringlets; a corresponding +infinity of whisker, terminating at the chin, there joins an enormous +pair of moustaches, which give him the appearance of having caught the +fox himself and stuck its brush below his nose. His neck is very stiff; +and the exact Jackson-like fit of his coat, which almost nips him in two +at the waist, and his superlatively well-cleaned leather Andersons,[2] +together with the perfume and the general puppyism of his appearance, +proclaim that he is a "swell" of the very first water, and one that a +Surrey sportsman would like to buy at his own price and sell at the +other's. In addition to this, his boots, which his "fellow" has +just denuded from a pair of wash-leather covers, are of the finest, +brightest, blackest patent leather imaginable; the left one being the +identical boot by which Warren's monkey shaved himself, while the right +is the one at which the game-cock pecked, mistaking its own shadow for +an opponent, the mark of its bill being still visible above the instep; +and the tops--whose pampered appetites have been fed on champagne--are +of the most delicate cream-colour, the whole devoid of mud or speck. The +animal he bestrides is no less calculated than himself to excite the +risible faculties of the field, being a sort of mouse colour, with dun +mane and tail, got by Nicolo, out of a flibbertigibbet mare, and he +stands seventeen hands and an inch. His head is small and blood-like, +his girth a mere trifle, and his legs, very long and spidery, of course +without any hair at the pasterns to protect them from the flints; his +whole appearance bespeaking him fitter to run for half-mile hunters' +stakes at Croxton Park or Leicester, than contend for foxes' brushes in +such a splendid country as the Surrey. There he stands, with his tail +stuck tight between his legs, shivering and shaking for all the world as +if troubled with a fit of ague. And well he may, poor beast, for--oh, +men of Surrey, London, Kent, and Middlesex, hearken to my word--on +closer inspection he proves to have been shaved!!![3] + +[Footnote 2: Anderson, of South Audley Street, is, or was, a famous +breeches-maker.] + +[Footnote 3: Shaving was in great vogue at Melton some seasons back. It +was succeeded by clipping, and clipping by singeing.] + +After a considerable time spent in casting to the right, the left, and +the rear, "True-bouy" chances to take a fling in advance, and hitting +upon the scent, proclaims it with his wonted energy, which drawing all +his brethren to the spot, they pick it slowly over some brick-fields and +flint-beds, to an old lady's flower-garden, through which they carry it +with a surprising head into the fields beyond, when they begin to fall +into line, and the sportsmen doing the same--"one at a time and it will +last the longer"--"Tummas" tootles his horn, the hunt is up, and away +they all rattle at "Parliament pace," as the hackney-coachmen say. + +Our swell, who flatters himself he can "ride a few," according to the +fashion of his country, takes up a line of his own, abreast of the +leading hounds, notwithstanding the oft vociferated cry of "Hold hard, +sir!" "Pray, hold hard, sir!" "For God's sake, hold hard, sir!" "G--d +d--n you, hold hard, sir!" "Where the h--ll are you going to, sir?" and +other familiar inquiries and benedictions, with which a stranger is +sometimes greeted, who ventures to take a look at a strange pack of +hounds. + +In the meantime the fox, who has often had a game at romps with his +pursuers, being resolved this time to give them a tickler, bears +straight away for Westerham, to the infinite satisfaction of the "hill +folks," who thus have an excellent opportunity of seeing the run without +putting their horses to the trouble of "rejoicing in their strength, or +pawing in the valley." But who is so fortunate as to be near the scene +of action in this second scurry, almost as fast as the first? Our fancy +supplies us, and there not being many, we will just initialise them all, +and let he whom the cap fits put it on. + +If we look to the left, nearly abreast of the three couple of hounds +that are leading by some half mile or so, we shall see "Swell"--like a +monkey on a giraffe--striding away in the true Leicestershire style; the +animal contracting its stride after every exertion in pulling its long +legs out of the deep and clayey soil, until the Bromley barber, who has +been quilting his mule along at a fearful rate, and in high dudgeon at +anyone presuming to exercise his profession upon a dumb brute, overtakes +him, and in the endeavour to pass, lays it into his mule in a style that +would insure him rotatory occupation at Brixton for his spindles, should +any member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals +witness his proceedings; while his friend and neighbour old B----, the +tinker, plies his little mare with the Brummagems, to be ready to ride +over "Swell" the instant the barber gets him down. On the right of the +leading hounds are three crack members of the Surrey, Messrs. B--e, +S--bs, and B--l, all lads who can go; while a long way in the rear of +the body of the pack are some dozen, who, while they sat on the hills, +thought they could also, but who now find out their mistake. Down Windy +Lane, a glimpse of a few red coats may be caught passing the gaps and +weak parts of the fence, among whom we distinctly recognise the worthy +master of the pack, followed by Jorrocks, with his long coat-laps +floating in the breeze, who thinking that "catching-time" must be near +at hand, and being dearly fond of blood, has descended from his high +station to witness the close of the scene. "Vot a pace! and vot a +country!" cries the grocer, standing high in his stirrups, and bending +over the neck of his chestnut as though he were meditating a plunge over +his head; "how they stick to him! vot a pack! by Jove they are at fault +again. Yooi, Pilgrim! Yooi, Warbler, ma load! (lad). Tom, try down the +hedge-row." "Hold your jaw, Mr. J----," cries Tom, "you are always +throwing that red rag of yours. I wish you would keep your potato-trap +shut. See! you've made every hound throw up, and it's ten to one that +ne'er a one among 'em will stoop again." "Yonder he goes," cries a cock +of the old school, who used to hunt with Colonel Jolliffe's hounds, +and still sports the long blue surtout lined with orange, yellow-ochre +unmentionables, and mahogany-coloured knee-caps, with mother-of-pearl +buttons. "Yonder he goes among the ship (sheep), for a thousand! see how +the skulking waggabone makes them scamper." At this particular moment +a shrill scream is heard at the far end of a long shaw, and every man +pushes on to the best of his endeavour. "Holloo o-o-u, h'loo o-o-u, +h'loo--o-o-u, gone away! gone away! forward! forrard! hark back! hark +forrard! hark forrard! hark back!" resounds from every mouth. "He's +making for the 'oods beyond Addington, and we shall have a rare teaser +up these hills," cries Jorrocks, throwing his arms round his horse's +neck as he reaches the foot of them.--"D--n your hills," cries "Swell," +as he suddenly finds himself sitting on the hindquarters of his horse, +his saddle having slipped back for want of a breastplate,--"I wish the +hills had been piled on your back, and the flints thrust down your +confounded throat, before I came into such a cursed provincial." "Haw, +haw, haw!" roars a Croydon butcher. "What don't 'e like it, sir, eh? too +sharp to be pleasant, eh?--Your nag should have put on his boots before +he showed among us." + +"He's making straight for Fuller's farm," exclaims a thirsty veteran on +reaching the top, "and I'll pull up and have a nip of ale, please God." +"Hang your ale," cries a certain sporting cheesemonger, "you had better +come out with a barrel of it tacked to your horse's tail."--"Or 'unt on +a steam-engine," adds his friend the omnibus proprietor, "and then +you can brew as you go." "We shall have the Croydon Canal," cries Mr. +H----n, of Tottenham, who knows every flint in the country, "and how +will you like that, my hearties?" "Curse the Croydon Canal," bawls the +little Bromley barber, "my mule can swim like a soap-bladder, and my +toggery can't spoil, thank God!" + +The prophecy turns up. Having skirted Fuller's farm, the villain finds +no place to hide; and in two minutes, or less, the canal appears in +view. It is full of craft, and the locks are open, but there is a bridge +about half a mile to the right. "If my horse can do nothing else he can +jump this," cries "Swell," as he gathers him together, and prepares for +the effort. He hardens his heart and goes at it full tilt, and the leggy +animal lands him three yards on the other side. "Curse this fellow," +cries Jorrocks, grinning with rage as he sees "Swell" skimming through +the air like a swallow on a summer's eve, "he'll have a laugh at the +Surrey, for ever and ever, Amen. Oh, dear! oh, dear! I wish I durst leap +it. What shall I do? Here bargee," cries he to a bargeman, "lend us a +help over and I'll give you ninepence." The bargeman takes him at his +word, and getting the vessel close to the water's edge, Jorrocks has +nothing to do but ride in, and, the opposite bank being accommodating, +he lands without difficulty. Ramming his spurs into his nag, he now +starts after "Swell," who is sailing away with a few couple of hounds +that took the canal; the body of the pack and all the rest of the +field--except the Bromley barber, who is now floundering in the +water--having gone round to the bridge. + +The country is open, the line being across commons and along roads, so +that Jorrocks, who is not afraid of "the pace" so long as there is no +leaping, has a pretty good chance with "Swell." The scene now shifts. On +turning out of a lane, along which they have just rattled, a fence of +this description appears: The bottom part is made of flints, and the +upper part of mud, with gorse stuck along the top, and there is a gutter +on each side. Jorrocks, seeing that a leap is likely, hangs astern, and +"Swell," thinking to shake off his only opponent, and to have a rare +laugh at the Surrey when he gets back to Melton, puts his nag at it most +manfully, who, though somewhat blown, manages to get his long carcass +over, but, unfortunately alighting on a bed of flints on the far side, +cuts a back sinew, and "Swell" measures his length on the headland. +Jorrocks then pulls up. + +The tragedy of George Barnwell ends with a death, and we are happy in +being able to gratify our readers with a similar entertainment. Already +have the best-mounted men in the field attained the summit of one of the +Mont Blancs of the country, when on looking down the other side of the +"mountain's brow," they, to their infinite astonishment, espy at some +distance our "Swell" dismounted and playing at "pull devil, pull +baker" with the hounds, whose discordant bickerings rend the skies. +"Whoo-hoop!" cries one; "whoo-hoop!" responds another; "whoo-hoop!" +screams a third; and the contagion spreading, and each man dismounting, +they descend the hill with due caution, whoo-hooping, hallooing, and +congratulating each other on the splendour of the run, interspersed with +divers surmises as to what mighty magic had aided the hounds in getting +on such good terms with the warmint, and exclamations at the good +fortune of the stranger, in being able (by nicking,[4] and the fox +changing his line) to get in at the finish. + +[Footnote 4: A stranger never rides straight if he beats the members of +the hunt.] + +And now some dozens of sportsmen quietly ambling up to the scene of +action, view with delight (alone equalled by their wonder at so unusual +and unexpected an event) the quarrels of the hounds, as they dispute +with each other the possession of their victim's remains, when suddenly +a gentleman, clad in a bright green silk-velvet shooting-coat, with +white leathers, and Hessian boots with large tassels, carrying his Joe +Manton on his shoulder, issues from an adjoining coppice, and commences +a loud complaint of the "unhandsome conduct of the gentlemen's 'ounds in +devouring the 'are (hare) which he had taken so much pains to shoot." +Scarcely are these words out of his mouth than the whole hunt, from +Jorrocks downwards, let drive such a rich torrent of abuse at our +unfortunate _chasseur_, that he is fain to betake himself to his heels, +leaving them undisputed masters of the field. + +The visages of our sportsmen become dismally lengthened on finding that +their fox has been "gathered unto his fathers" by means of hot lead and +that villainous saltpetre "digged out of the bowels of the harmless +earth"; some few, indeed, there are who are bold enough to declare that +the pack has actually made a meal of a hare, and that their fox is +snugly earthed in the neighbouring cover. However, as there are no +"reliquias Danaum," to prove or disprove this assertion, Tom Hills, +having an eye to the cap-money, ventures to give it as his opinion, +that pug has fairly yielded to his invincible pursuers, without having +"dropped to shot." This appearing to give very general satisfaction, the +first whip makes no scruple of swearing that he saw the hounds pull him +down fairly; and Peckham, drawing his mouth up on one side, with his +usual intellectual grin, takes a similar affidavit. The Bromley barber +too, anxious to have it to say that he has for once been in at the death +of a fox, vows by his beard that he saw the "varmint" lathered in style; +and these protestations being received with clamorous applause, and +everyone being pleased to have so unusual an event to record to his +admiring spouse, agrees that a fox has not only been killed, but killed +in a most sportsmanlike, workmanlike, businesslike manner; and long and +loud are the congratulations, great is the increased importance of each +man's physiognomy, and thereupon they all lug out their half-crowns for +Tom Hills. + +In the meantime our "Swell" lays hold of his nag--who is sorely damaged +with the flints, and whose wind has been pretty well pumped out of +him by the hills--and proceeds to lead him back to Croydon, inwardly +promising himself for the future most studiously to avoid the renowned +county of Surrey, its woods, its barbers, its mountains, and its flints, +and to leave more daring spirits to overcome the difficulties it +presents; most religiously resolving, at the same time, to return as +speedily as possible to his dear Leicestershire, there to amble o'er +the turf, and fancy himself an "angel on horseback." The story of the +country mouse, who must needs see the town, occurs forcibly to his +recollection, and he exclaims aloud: + + "me sylva, cavusque + Tutus ab insidiis tenui solabitur ervo." + +On overhearing which, Mr. Jorrocks hurries back to his brother +subscribers, and informs them, very gravely, that the stranger is no +less a personage than "Prince Matuchevitz, the Russian ambassador and +minister plenipotentiary extraordinary," whereupon the whole field join +in wishing him safe back in Russia--or anywhere else--and wonder at his +incredible assurance in supposing that he could cope with THE SURREY +HUNT. + + + +II. THE YORKSHIREMAN AND THE SURREY + +It is an axiom among fox-hunters that the hounds they individually hunt +with are the best--compared with them all others are "slow." + +Of this species of pardonable egotism, Mr. Jorrocks--who in addition +to the conspicuous place he holds in the Surrey Hunt, as shown in the +preceding chapter, we should introduce to our readers as a substantial +grocer in St. Botolph's Lane, with an elegant residence in Great Coram +Street, Russell Square--has his full, if not rather more than his fair +share. Vanity, however, is never satisfied without display, and Mr. +Jorrocks longed for a customer before whom he could exhibit the prowess +of his[5] pack. + +[Footnote 5: Subscribers, speaking to strangers, always talk of the +hounds as their own.] + +Chance threw in his way a young Yorkshireman, who frequently appearing +in subsequent pages, we may introduce as a loosish sort of hand, up to +anything in the way of a lark, but rather deficient in cash--a character +so common in London, as to render further description needless. + +Now it is well known that a Yorkshireman, like a dragoon, is nothing +without his horse, and if he does understand anything better than +racing--it is hunting. Our readers will therefore readily conceive that +a Yorkshireman is more likely to be astonished at the possibility of +fox-hunting from London, than captivated by the country, or style of +turn-out; and in truth, looking at it calmly and dispassionately, in our +easy-chair drawn to a window which overlooks the cream of the grazing +grounds in the Vale of White Horse, it does strike us with astonishment, +that such a thing as a fox should be found within a day's ride of the +suburbs. The very idea seems preposterous, for one cannot but associate +the charms of a "find" with the horrors of "going to ground" in an +omnibus, or the fox being headed by a great Dr. Eady placard, or some +such monstrosity. Mr. Mayne,[6] to be sure, has brought racing home to +every man's door, but fox-hunting is not quite so tractable a sport. But +to our story. + +[Footnote 6: The promoter of the Hippodrome, near Bayswater--a +speculation that soon came to grief.] + +It was on a nasty, cold, foggy, dark, drizzling morning in the month of +February, that the Yorkshireman, having been offered a "mount" by Mr. +Jorrocks, found himself shivering under the Piazza in Covent Garden +about seven o'clock, surrounded by cabs, cabbages, carrots, ducks, +dollys, and drabs of all sorts, waiting for his horse and the appearance +of the friend who had seduced him into the extraordinary predicament of +attiring himself in top-boots and breeches in London. After pacing up +and down some minutes, the sound of a horse's hoofs were heard turning +down from Long Acre, and reaching the lamp-post at the corner of James +Street, his astonished eyes were struck with the sight of a man in a +capacious, long, full-tailed, red frock coat reaching nearly to his +spurs, with mother-of-pearl buttons, with sporting devices--which +afterwards proved to be foxes, done in black--brown shag breeches, that +would have been spurned by the late worthy master of the Hurworth,[7] +and boots, that looked for all the world as if they were made to tear up +the very land and soil, tied round the knees with pieces of white tape, +the flowing ends of which dangled over the mahogany-coloured tops. Mr. +Jorrocks--whose dark collar, green to his coat, and _tout ensemble_, +might have caused him to be mistaken for a mounted general postman--was +on a most becoming steed--a great raking, raw-boned chestnut, with a +twisted snaffle in his mouth, decorated with a faded yellow silk front, +a nose-band, and an ivory ring under his jaws, for the double purpose +of keeping the reins together and Jorrocks's teeth in his head--the nag +having flattened the noses and otherwise damaged the countenances of his +two previous owners, who had not the knack of preventing him tossing +his head in their faces. The saddle--large and capacious--made on the +principle of the impossibility of putting a round of beef upon a pudding +plate--was "spick and span new," as was an enormous hunting-whip, whose +iron-headed hammer he clenched in a way that would make the blood curdle +in one's veins, to see such an instrument in the hands of a misguided +man. + +[Footnote 7: The late Mr. Wilkinson, commonly called "Matty Wilkinson," +master of the Hurworth foxhounds, was a rigid adherent of the +"d----n-all-dandy" school of sportsmen.] + +"Punctuality is the politeness of princes," said Mr. Jorrocks, raising a +broad-brimmed, lowish-crowned hat, as high as a green hunting-cord which +tackled it to his yellow waistcoat by a fox's tooth would allow, as he +came upon the Yorkshireman at the corner. "My soul's on fire and eager +for the chase! By heavens, I declare I've dreamt of nothing else all +night, and the worst of it is, that in a par-ox-ism of delight, when +I thought I saw the darlings running into the warmint, I brought Mrs. +J---- such a dig in the side as knocked her out of bed, and she swears +she'll go to Jenner, and the court for the protection of injured ribs! +But come--jump up--where's your nag? Binjimin, you blackguard, where are +you? The fog is blinding me, I declare! Binjimin, I say! Binjimin! you +willain, where are you?" + +"Here, sir! coming!" responded a voice from the bottom of one of the +long mugs at a street breakfast stall, which the fog almost concealed +from their view, and presently an urchin in a drab coat and blue collar +came towing a wretched, ewe-necked, hungry-looking, roan rosinante along +from where he had been regaling himself with a mug of undeniable bohea, +sweetened with a composition of brown sugar and sand. + +"Now be after getting up," said Jorrocks, "for time and the Surrey +'ounds wait for no man. That's not a werry elegant tit, but still +it'll carry you to Croydon well enough, where I'll put you on a most +undeniable bit of 'orse-flesh--a reg'lar clipper. That's a hack--what +they calls three-and-sixpence a side, but I only pays half a crown. +Now, Binjimin, cut away home, and tell Batsay to have dinner ready at +half-past five to a minute, and to be most particular in doing the lamb +to a turn." + +The Yorkshireman having adjusted himself in the old flat-flapped hack +saddle, and got his stirrups let out from "Binjimin's" length to his +own, gathered up the stiff, weather-beaten reins, gave the animal a +touch with his spurs, and fell into the rear of Mr. Jorrocks. The +morning appeared to be getting worse. Instead of the grey day-dawn of +the country, when the thin transparent mist gradually rises from the +hills, revealing an unclouded landscape, a dense, thick, yellow fog +came rolling in masses along the streets, obscuring the gas lights, and +rendering every step one of peril. It could be both eat and felt, and +the damp struck through their clothes in the most summary manner. "This +is bad," said Mr. Jorrocks, coughing as he turned the corner by Drury +Lane, making for Catherine Street, and upset an early breakfast and +periwinkle stall, by catching one corner of the fragile fabric with his +toe, having ridden too near to the pavement. "Where are you for now? and +bad luck to ye, ye boiled lobster!" roared a stout Irish wench, emerging +from a neighbouring gin-palace on seeing the dainty viands rolling in +the street. "Cut away!" cried Jorrocks to his friend, running his horse +between one of George Stapleton's dust-carts and a hackney-coach, "or +the Philistines will be upon us." The fog and crowd concealed them, +but "Holloa! mind where you're going, you great haw-buck!" from a +buy-a-hearth-stone boy, whose stock-in-trade Jorrocks nearly demolished, +as he crossed the corner of Catherine Street before him, again roused +his vigilance. "The deuce be in the fog," said he, "I declare I can't +see across the Strand. It's as dark as a wolf's mouth.--Now where are +you going to with that meazly-looking cab of yours?--you've nearly run +your shafts into my 'oss's ribs!" cried he to a cabman who nearly upset +him. The Strand was kept alive by a few slip-shod housemaids, on their +marrow-bones, washing the doorsteps, or ogling the neighbouring pot-boy +on his morning errand for the pewters. Now and then a crazy jarvey +passed slowly by, while a hurrying mail, with a drowsy driver and +sleeping guard, rattled by to deliver their cargo at the post office. +Here and there appeared one of those beings, who like the owl hide +themselves by day, and are visible only in the dusk. Many of +them appeared to belong to the other world. Poor, puny, ragged, +sickly-looking creatures, that seemed as though they had been suckled +and reared with gin. "How different," thought the Yorkshireman to +himself, "to the fine, stout, active labourer one meets at an early hour +on a hunting morning in the country!" His reverie was interrupted on +arriving opposite the _Morning Chronicle_ office, by the most discordant +yells that ever issued from human beings, and on examining the quarter +from whence they proceeded, a group of fifty or a hundred boys, or +rather little old men, were seen with newspapers in their hands and +under their arms, in all the activity of speculation and exchange. "A +clean _Post_ for Tuesday's _Times_!" bellowed one. "I want the _Hurl_! +(Herald) for the _Satirist_!" shouted another. "Bell's _Life_ for the +_Bull_! _The Spectator_ for the _Sunday Times_!" + +The approach of our sportsmen was the signal for a change of the chorus, +and immediately Jorrocks was assailed with "A hunter! a hunter! crikey, +a hunter! My eyes! there's a gamecock for you! Vot a beauty! Vere do you +turn out to-day? Vere's the stag? Don't tumble off, old boy! 'Ave you +got ever a rope in your pocket? Take Bell's _Life in London_, vot +contains all the sporting news of the country! Vot a vip the gemman's +got! Vot a precious basternadering he could give us--my eyes, vot a +swell!--vot a shocking bad hat!_[8]--vot shocking bad breeches!" + +[Footnote 8: "Vot a shocking bad hat!"--a slang cockney phrase of 1831.] + +The fog, which became denser at every step, by the time they reached St. +Clement's Danes rendered their further progress almost impossible.--"Oh, +dear! oh, dear! how unlucky," exclaimed Jorrocks, "I would have given +twenty pounds of best Twankay for a fine day--and see what a thing we've +got! Hold my 'oss," said he to the Yorkshireman, "while I run into the +'Angel,' and borrow an argand burner, or we shall be endorsed[9] to a +dead certainty." Off he got, and ran to the inn. Presently he emerged +from the yard--followed by horse-keepers, coach-washers, porters, cads, +waiters and others, amid loud cries of "Flare up, flare up, old cock! +talliho fox-hunter!"--with a bright mail-coach footboard lamp, strapped +to his middle, which, lighting up the whole of his broad back now cased +in scarlet, gave him the appearance of a gigantic red-and-gold insurance +office badge, or an elderly cherub without wings. + +[Footnote 9: City--for having a pole run into one's rear.] + +The hackney-coach-and cab-men, along whose lines they passed, could not +make him out at all. Some thought he was a mail-coach guard riding +post with the bags; but as the light was pretty strong he trotted +on regardless of observation. The fog, however, abated none of its +denseness even on the "Surrey side," and before they reached the +"Elephant and Castle," Jorrocks had run against two trucks, three +watercress women, one pies-all-ot!-all-ot! man, dispersed a whole covey +of Welsh milkmaids, and rode slap over one end of a buy 'at (hat) box! +bonnet-box! man's pole, damaging a dozen paste-boards, and finally +upsetting Balham Hill Joe's Barcelona "come crack 'em and try 'em" stall +at the door of the inn, for all whose benedictions, the Yorkshireman, as +this great fox-hunting knight-errant's "Esquire," came in. + +Here the Yorkshireman would fain have persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to +desist from his quixotic undertaking, but he turned a deaf ear to his +entreaties. "We are getting fast into the country, and I hold it to +be utterly impossible for this fog to extend beyond Kennington +Common--'twill ewaporate, you'll see, as we approach the open. Indeed, +if I mistake not, I begin to sniff the morning air already, and hark! +there's a lark a-carrolling before us!" "Now, spooney! where are you +for?" bellowed a carter, breaking off in the middle of his whistle, as +Jorrocks rode slap against his leader, the concussion at once dispelling +the pleasing pastoral delusion, and nearly knocking Jorrocks off his +horse. + +As they approached Brixton Hill, a large red ball of lurid light +appeared in the firmament, and just at the moment up rode another member +of the Surrey Hunt in uniform, whom Jorrocks hailed as Mr. Crane. "By +Jove, 'ow beautiful the moon is," said the latter, after the usual +salutations. "Moon!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "that's not never no moon--I +reckon it's Mrs. Graham's balloon." "Come, that's a good 'un," said +Crane, "perhaps you'll lay me an 'at about it". "Done!" said Mr. +Jorrocks, "a guinea one--and we'll ax my friend here.--Now, what's +that?" "Why, judging from its position and the hour, I should say it is +the sun!" was the reply. + +We have omitted to mention that this memorable day was a Saturday, +one on which civic sportsmen exhibit. We may also premise, that the +particular hunt we are about to describe, took place when there were +very many packs of hounds within reach of the metropolis, all of which +boasted their respective admiring subscribers. As our party proceeded +they overtook a gentleman perusing a long bill of the meets for the +next week, of at least half a dozen packs, the top of the list being +decorated with a cut of a stag-hunt, and the bottom containing a +notification that hunters were "carefully attended to by Charles +Morton,[10] at the 'Derby Arms,' Croydon," a snug rural _auberge_ near +the barrack. On the hunting bill-of-fare, were Mr. Jolliffe's foxhounds, +Mr. Meager's harriers, the Derby staghounds, the Sanderstead harriers, +the Union foxhounds, the Surrey foxhounds, rabbit beagles on Epsom +Downs, and dwarf foxhounds on Woolwich Common. What a list to bewilder a +stranger! The Yorkshireman left it all to Mr. Jorrocks. + +[Footnote 10: Where the carrion is, there will be the crow, and on the +demise of the "Surrey staggers," Charley brushed off to the west, to +valet the gentlemen's hunters that attend the Royal Stag Hunt.--_Vide_ +Sir F. Grant's picture of the meet of the Royal Staghounds.] + +"You're for Jolliffe, I suppose," said the gentleman with the bill, +to another with a blue coat and buff lining. "He's at Chipstead +Church--only six miles from Croydon, a sure find and good country." +"What are you for, Mr. Jorrocks?" inquired another in green, with black +velvet breeches, Hessian boots, and a red waistcoat, who just rode up. +"My own, to be sure," said Jorrocks, taking hold of the green collar of +his coat, as much as to say, "How can you ask such a question?" "Oh, +no," said the gentleman in green, "Come to the stag--much better +sport--sure of a gallop--open country--get it over soon--back in town +before the post goes out." Before Mr. Jorrocks had time to make a reply +to this last interrogatory, they were overtaken by another horseman, +who came hopping along at a sort of a butcher's shuffle, on a worn-out, +three-legged, four-cornered hack, with one eye, a rat-tail, and a head +as large as a fiddle-case.--"Who's for the blue mottles?" said he, +casting a glance at their respective coats, and at length fixing it on +the Yorkshireman. "Why, Dickens, you're not going thistle-whipping with +that nice 'orse of yours," said the gentleman in the velvets; "come +and see the stag turned out--sure of a gallop--no hedges--soft +country--plenty of publics--far better sport, man, than pottering about +looking for your foxes and hares, and wasting your time; take my advice, +and come with me." "But," says Dickens, "my 'orse won't stand it; I had +him in the shay till eleven last night, and he came forty-three mile +with our traveller the day before, else he's a 'good 'un to go,' as you +know. Do you remember the owdacious leap he took over the tinker's tent, +at Epping 'Unt, last Easter? How he astonished the natives within!" +"Yes; but then, you know, you fell head-foremost through the canvas, and +no wonder your ugly mug frightened them," replied he of the velvets. +"Ay; but that was in consequence of my riding by balance instead of +gripping with my legs," replied Dickens; "you see, I had taken seven +lessons in riding at the school in Bidborough Street, Burton Crescent, +and they always told me to balance myself equally on the saddle, and +harden my heart, and ride at whatever came in the way; and the tinker's +tent coming first, why, naturally enough, I went at it. But I have had +some practice since then, and, of course, can stick on better. I have +'unted regularly ever since, and can 'do the trick' now." "What, summer +and winter?" said Jorrocks. "No," replied he, "but I have 'unted +regularly every fifth Saturday since the 'unting began." + +After numerous discourses similar to the foregoing, they arrived at the +end of the first stage on the road to the hunt, namely, the small town +of Croydon, the rendezvous of London sportsmen. The whole place was +alive with red coats, green coats, blue coats, black coats, brown +coats, in short, coats of all the colours of the rainbow. Horsemen were +mounting, horsemen were dismounting, one-horse "shays" and two-horse +chaises were discharging their burdens, grooms were buckling on their +masters' spurs, and others were pulling off their overalls. Eschewing +the "Greyhound," they turn short to the right, and make for the "Derby +Arms" hunting stables. + +Charley Morton, a fine old boy of his age, was buckling on his armour +for the fight, for his soul, too, was "on fire, and eager for the +chase." He was for the "venison"; and having mounted his "deer-stalker," +was speedily joined by divers perfect "swells," in beautiful leathers, +beautiful coats, beautiful tops, beautiful everything, except horses, +and off they rode to cut in for the first course--a stag-hunt on a +Saturday being usually divided into three. + +The ride down had somewhat sharpened Jorrocks's appetite; and feeling, +as he said, quite ready for his dinner, he repaired to Mr. Morton's +house--a kind of sporting snuggery, everything in apple-pie order, and +very good--where he baited himself on sausages and salt herrings, a +basin of new milk, with some "sticking powder" as he called it, _alias_ +rum, infused into it; and having deposited a half-quartern loaf in one +pocket, as a sort of balance against a huge bunch of keys which rattled +in the other, he pulled out his watch, and finding they had a quarter of +an hour to spare, proposed to chaperon the Yorkshireman on a tour of the +hunting stables. Jorrocks summoned the ostler, and with great dignity +led the way. "Humph," said he, evidently disappointed at seeing half the +stalls empty, "no great show this morning--pity--gentleman come from a +distance--should like to have shown him some good nags.--What sort of +a devil's this?" "Oh, sir, he's a good 'un, and nothing but a good +'un!--Leap! Lord love ye, he'll leap anything. A railway cut, a windmill +with the sails going, a navigable river with ships--anything in short. +This is the 'orse wot took the line of houses down at Beddington the day +they had the tremendious run from Reigate Hill." "And wot's the grey in +the far stall?" "Oh, that's Mr. Pepper's old nag--Pepper-Caster as we +call him, since he threw the old gemman, the morning they met at the +'Leg-of-Mutton' at Ashtead. But he's good for nothing. Bless ye! his +tail shakes for all the world like a pepper-box afore he's gone half a +mile. Those be yours in the far stalls, and since they were turned round +I've won a bob of a gemman who I bet I'd show him two 'osses with their +heads vere their tails should be.[11] I always says," added he with a +leer, "that you rides the best 'osses of any gemman vot comes to our +governor's." This flattered Jorrocks, and sidling up, he slipped a +shilling into his hand, saying, "Well--bring them out, and let's see how +they look this morning." The stall reins are slipped, and out they step +with their hoods on their quarters. One was a large, fat, full-sized +chestnut, with a white ratch down the full extent of his face, a long +square tail, bushy mane, with untrimmed heels. The other was a brown, +about fifteen two, coarse-headed, with a rat-tail, and collar-marked. +The tackle was the same as they came down with. "You'll do the trick on +that, I reckon," said Jorrocks, throwing his leg over the chestnut, and +looking askew at the Yorkshireman as he mounted. "Tatt., and old Tatt., +and Tatt. sen. before him, all agree that they never knew a bad 'oss +with a rat-tail." + +[Footnote 11: A favourite joke among grooms when a horse is turned round +in his stall.] + +"But, let me tell you, you must be werry lively, if you mean to live +with our 'ounds. They go like the wind. But come! touch him with the +spur, and let's do a trot." The Yorkshireman obeyed, and getting into +the main street, onwards they jogged, right through Croydon, and struck +into a line of villas of all sorts, shapes, and sizes, which extend for +several miles along the road, exhibiting all sorts of architecture, +Gothic, Corinthian, Doric, Ionic, Dutch, and Chinese. These gradually +diminished in number, and at length they found themselves on an open +heath, within a few miles of the meet of the "Surrey foxhounds". "Now", +says Mr. Jorrocks, clawing up his smalls, "you will see the werry finest +pack of hounds in all England; I don't care where the next best are; and +you will see as good a turn-out as ever you saw in your life, and as +nice a country to ride over as ever you were in". + +They reach the meet--a wayside public-house on a common, before which +the hounds with their attendants and some fifty or sixty horsemen, many +of them in scarlet, were assembled. Jorrocks was received with the +greatest cordiality, amid whoops and holloas, and cries of "now +Twankay!--now Sugar!--now Figs!" Waving his hand in token of +recognition, he passed on and made straight for Tom Hill, with a face +full of importance, and nearly rode over a hound in his hurry. "Now, +Tom," said he, with the greatest energy, "do, my good fellow, strain +every nerve to show sport to-day.--A gentleman has come all the way from +the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the county of York, +to see our excellent 'ounds, and I would fain have him galvanised.--Do +show us a run, and let it end with blood, so that he may have something +to tell the natives when he gets back to his own parts. That's him, see, +sitting under the yew-tree, in a bottle-green coat with basket buttons, +just striking a light on the pommel of his saddle to indulge in a +fumigation.--Keep your eye on him all day, and if you can lead him over +an awkward place, and get him a purl, so much the better.--If he'll risk +his neck I'll risk my 'oss's." + +The Yorkshireman, having lighted his cigar and tightened his girths, +rode leisurely among the horsemen, many of whom were in eager council, +and a gentle breeze wafted divers scraps of conversation to his ear. + +What is that hound got by? No. How is that horse bred? No. What sport +had you on Wednesday? No. Is it a likely find to-day? No, no, no; it was +not where the hounds, but what the Consols, left off at; what the four +per cents, and not the four horses, were up to; what the condition of +the money, not the horse, market. "Anything doing in Danish bonds, +sir?" said one. "You must do it by lease and release, and levy a fine," +replied another. Scott _v._ Brown, crim. con. to be heard on or before +Wednesday next.--Barley thirty-two to forty-two.--Fine upland meadow +and rye grass hay, seventy to eighty.--The last pocket of hops I sold +brought seven pounds fifteen shillings. Sussex bags six pounds ten +shillings.--There were only twenty-eight and a quarter ships at market, +"and coals are coals." "Glad to hear it, sir, for half the last you sent +me were slates."--"Best qualities of beef four shillings and eightpence +a stone--mutton three shillings and eightpence, to four shillings and +sixpence.--He was exceedingly ill when I paid my last visit--I gave him +nearly a stone of Epsom-salts, and bled him twice.--This horse would +suit you to a T, sir, but my skip-jack is coming out on one at two +o'clock that can carry a house.--See what a bosom this one's got.--Well, +Gunter, old boy, have you iced your horse to-day?--Have you heard that +Brown and Co. are in the _Gazette_? No, which Brown--not John Brown? +No, William Brown. What, Brown of Goodman's Fields? No, Brown of---- +Street--Brown_e_ with an _e_; you know the man I mean.--Oh, Lord, ay, +the man wot used to be called Nosey Browne." A general move ensued, and +they left "the meet." + +"Vere be you going to turn out pray, sir, may I inquire?" said a +gentleman in green to the huntsman, as he turned into a field. "Turn +out," said he, "why, ye don't suppose we be come calf-hunting, do ye? +We throws off some two stones'-throw from here, if so be you mean what +cover we are going to draw." "No," said green-coat, "I mean where do +you turn out the stag?"--"D--n the stag, we know nothing about such +matters," replied the huntsman. "Ware wheat! ware wheat! ware wheat!" +was now the general cry, as a gentleman in nankeen pantaloons and +Hessian boots with long brass spurs, commenced a navigation across a +sprouting crop. "Ware wheat, ware wheat!" replied he, considering it +part of the ceremony of hunting, and continued his forward course. "Come +to my side," said Mr.----, to the whipper-in, "and meet that gentleman +as he arrives at yonder gate; and keep by him while I scold you."--"Now, +sir, most particularly d--n you, for riding slap-dash over the young +wheat, you most confounded insensible ignorant tinker, isn't the +headland wide enough both for you and your horse, even if your spurs +were as long again as they are?" Shouts of "Yooi over, over, over +hounds--try for him--yoicks--wind him! good dogs--yoicks! stir him +up--have at him there!"--here interrupted the jawbation, and the whip +rode off shaking his sides with laughter. "Your horse has got a stone in +each forefoot, and a thorn in his near hock," observed a dentist to a +wholesale haberdasher from Ludgate Hill, "allow me to extract them for +you--no pain, I assure--over before you know it." "Come away, hounds! +come away!" was heard, and presently the huntsman, with some of the pack +at his horse's heels, issued from the wood playing _Rule, Britannia!_ +on a key-bugle, while the cracks of heavy-thonged whips warned the +stragglers and loiterers to follow. "Music hath charms to soothe the +savage beast," observed Jorrocks, as he tucked the laps of his frock +over his thighs, "and I hope we shall find before long, else that +quarter of house-lamb will be utterly ruined. Oh, dear, they are going +below hill I do believe! why we shall never get home to-day, and I told +Mrs. Jorrocks half-past five to a minute, and I invited old Fleecy, who +is a most punctual man." + +Jorrocks was right in his surmise. They arrived on the summit of a +range of steep hills commanding an extensive view over the neighbouring +country--almost, he said, as far as the sea-coast. The huntsman and +hounds went down, but many of the field held a council of war on the +top. "Well! who's going down?" said one. "I shall wait for the next +turn," said Jorrocks, "for my horse does not like collar work." "I shall +go this time," said another, "and the rest next." "And so will I," +said a third, "for mayhap there will be no second turn." "Ay," added a +fourth, "and he may go the other way, and then where-shall we all be?" +"Poh!" said Jorrocks, "did you ever know a Surrey fox not take to the +hills?--If he does not, I'll eat him without mint sauce," again harping +on the quarter of lamb. Facilis descensus Averni--two-thirds of the +field went down, leaving Jorrocks, two horse-dealers in scarlet, three +chicken-butchers, half a dozen swells in leathers, a whip, and the +Yorkshireman on the summit. "Why don't you go with the hounds?" inquired +the latter of the whip. "Oh, I wait here, sir," said he, "to meet Tom +Hills as he comes up, and to give him a fresh horse." "And who is Tom +Hills?" inquired the Yorkshireman. "Oh, he's our huntsman," replied he; +"you know Tom, don't you?" "Why, I can't say I do, exactly," said he; +"but tell me, is he called Hills because he rides up and down these +hills, or is that his real name?" "Hought! you know as well as I do," +said he, quite indignantly, "that Tom Hills is his name." + +The hounds, with the majority of the field, having effected the descent +of the hills, were now trotting on in the valley below, sufficiently +near, however, to allow our hill party full view of their proceedings. +After drawing a couple of osier-beds blank, they assumed a line parallel +to the hills, and moved on to a wood of about ten acres, the west end +of which terminated in a natural gorse. "They'll find there to a +certainty," said Mr. Jorrocks, pulling a telescope out of his breeches' +pocket, and adjusting the sight. "Never saw it blank but once, and that +was the werry day the commercial panic of twenty-five commenced.--I +remember making an entry in my ledger when I got home to that effect. +Humph!" continued he, looking through the glass, "they are through the +wood, though, without a challenge.--Now, my booys, push him out of +the gorse! Let's see vot you're made of.--There goes the first 'ound +in.--It's Galloper, I believe.--I can almost see the bag of shot round +his neck.--Now they all follow.--One--two--three--four--five--all +together, my beauties! Oh, vot a sight! Peckham's cap's in the air, and +it's a find, by heavens!" Mr. Jorrocks is right.--The southerly wind +wafts up the fading notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus" in _Der Frieschutz_ +and confirms the fact.--Jorrocks is in ecstasies.--"Now," said he, +clawing up his breeches (for he dispenses with the article of +braces when out hunting), "that's what I calls fine. Oh, beautiful! +beautiful!--Now, follow me if you please, and if yon gentleman in drab +does not shoot the fox, he will be on the hills before long." Away +they scampered along the top of the ridge, with a complete view of the +operations below. At length Jorrocks stopped, and pulling the telescope +out, began making an observation. "There he is, at last," cried he, +"just crossed the corner of yon green field--now he creeps through the +hedge by the fir-tree, and is in the fallow one. Yet, stay--that's no +fox--it's a hare: and yet Tom Hills makes straight for the spot--and +did you hear that loud tally-ho? Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen, we shall be +laughed to scorn--what can they be doing--see, they take up the scent, +and the whole pack have joined in chorus. Great heavens, it's no more a +fox than I am!--No more brush than a badger! Oh, dear! oh, dear! that I +should live to see my old friends, the Surrey fox'ounds, 'unt hare, and +that too in the presence of a stranger." The animal made direct for the +hills--whatever it was, the hounds were on good terms with it, and got +away in good form. The sight was splendid--all the field got well off, +nor between the cover and the hills was there sufficient space for +tailing. A little elderly gentleman, in a pepper-and-salt coat, led the +way gallantly--then came the scarlets--then the darks--and then the +fustian-clad countrymen. Jorrocks was in a shocking state, and rolled +along the hill-tops, almost frantic. The field reached the bottom, and +the foremost commenced the steep ascent. + +"Oh, Tom Hills!--Tom Hills!--'what are you at? what are you after?'" +demanded Jorrocks, as he landed on the top. "Here's a gentleman come all +the way from the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the +county of York, to see our excellent 'ounds, and here you are running +a hare. Oh, Tom Hills! Tom Hills! ride forward, ride forward, and +whip them off, ere we eternally disgrace ourselves." "Oh," says Tom, +laughing, "he's a fox! but he's so tarnation frightened of our hounds, +that his brush dropped off through very fear, as soon as ever he heard +us go into the wood; if you go back, you'll find it somewhere, Mr. +Jorrocks; haw, haw, haw! No fox indeed!" said he.--"Forrard, hounds, +forrard!" And away he went--caught the old whipper-in, dismounted him in +a twinkling, and was on a fresh horse with his hounds in full cry. The +line of flight was still along the hill-tops, and all eagerly pressed +on, making a goodly rattle over the beds of flints. A check ensued. "The +guard on yonder nasty Brighton coach has frightened him with his horn," +said Tom; "now we must make a cast up to yonder garden, and see if he's +taken shelter among the geraniums in the green-house. As little damage +as possible, gentlemen, if you please, in riding through the nursery +grounds. Now, hold hard, sir--pray do--there's no occasion for you to +break the kale pots; he can't be under them. Ah, yonder he goes, the +tailless beggar; did you see him as he stole past the corner out of the +early-cabbage bed? Now bring on the hounds, and let us press him towards +London." + +"See the conquering hero comes", sounded through the avenue of elms as +Tom dashed forward with the merry, merry pack. "I shall stay on the +hills", said one, "and be ready for him as he comes back; I took a good +deal of the shine out of my horse in coming up this time". "I think +I will do the same", said two or three more. "Let's be doing", said +Jorrocks, ramming his spurs into his nag to seduce him into a gallop, +who after sending his heels in the air a few times in token of +his disapprobation of such treatment, at last put himself into a +round-rolling sort of canter, which Jorrocks kept up by dint of spurring +and dropping his great bastinaderer of a whip every now and then across +his shoulders. Away they go pounding together! + +The line lies over flint fallows occasionally diversified with a +turnip-field or market-garden, and every now and then a "willa" appears, +from which emerge footmen in jackets, and in yellow, red and green plush +breeches, with no end of admiring housemaids, governesses, and nurses +with children in their arms. + +Great was the emulation when any of these were approached, and the +rasping sportsmen rushed eagerly to the "fore." At last they approach +"Miss Birchwell's finishing and polishing seminary for young ladies," +whose great flaring blue-and-gold sign, reflecting the noonday rays of +the sun, had frightened the fox and caused him to alter his line and +take away to the west. A momentary check ensued, but all the amateur +huntsmen being blown, Tom, who is well up with his hounds, makes a quick +cast round the house, and hits off the scent like a workman. A private +road and a line of gates through fields now greet the eyes of our +M'Adamisers. A young gentleman on a hired hunter very nattily attired, +here singles himself out and takes place next to Tom, throwing the +pebbles and dirt back in the eyes of the field. Tom crams away, throwing +the gates open as he goes, and our young gentleman very coolly passes +through, without a touch, letting them bang-to behind him. The +Yorkshireman, who had been gradually creeping up, until he has got the +third place, having opened two or three, and seeing another likely to +close for want of a push, cries out to our friend as he approaches, "Put +out your hand, sir!" The gentleman obediently extends his limb like the +arm of a telegraph, and rides over half the next field with his hand in +the air! The gate, of course, falls to. + +A stopper appears--a gate locked and spiked, with a downward hinge to +prevent its being lifted. To the right is a rail, and a ha-ha beyond +it--to the left a quick fence. Tom glances at both, but turns short, +and backing his horse, rides at the rail. The Yorkshireman follows, but +Jorrocks, who espies a weak place in the fence a few yards from the +gate, turns short, and jumping off, prepares to lead over. It is an old +gap, and the farmer has placed a sheep hurdle on the far side. Just as +Jorrocks has pulled that out, his horse, who is a bit of a rusher, and +has got his "monkey" completely up, pushes forward while his master is +yet stooping--and hitting him in the rear, knocks him clean through the +fence, head foremost into a squire-trap beyond!--"Non redolet sed olet!" +exclaims the Yorkshireman, who dismounts in a twinkling, lending his +friend a hand out of the unsavoury cesspool.--"That's what comes of +hunting in a new[12] saddle, you see," added he, holding his nose. +Jorrocks scrambles upon "terra firma" and exhibits such a spectacle as +provokes the shouts of the field. He has lost his wig, his hat hangs to +his back, and one side of his person and face is completely japanned +with black odoriferous mixture. "My vig!" exclaims he, spitting and +spluttering, "but that's the nastiest hole I ever was in--Fleet Ditch is +lavender-water compared to it! Hooi yonder!" hailing a lad, "Catch +my 'oss, boouy!" Tom Hills has him; and Jorrocks, pocketing his wig, +remounts, rams his spurs into the nag, and again tackles with the pack, +which had come to a momentary check on the Eden Bridge road. The fox +has been headed by a party of gipsies, and, changing his point, bends +southward and again reaches the hills, along which some score of +horsemen have planted themselves in the likeliest places to head him. +Reynard, however, is too deep for them, and has stolen down unperceived. +Poor Jorrocks, what with the violent exertion of riding, his fall, and +the souvenir of the cesspool that he still bears about him, pulls up +fairly exhausted. "Oh, dear," says he, scraping the thick of the filth +off his coat with his whip, "I'm reglarly blown, I earn't go down with +the 'ounds this turn; but, my good fellow," turning to the Yorkshireman, +who was helping to purify him, "don't let me stop you, go down by all +means, but mind, bear in mind the quarter of house-lamb--at half-past +five to a minute." + +[Footnote 12: There is a superstition among sportsmen that they are sure +to get a fall the first day they appear in anything new.] + +Many of the cits now gladly avail themselves of the excuse of assisting +Mr. Jorrocks to clean himself for pulling up, but as soon as ever those +that are going below hill are out of sight and they have given him two +or three wipes, they advise him to let it "dry on," and immediately +commence a different sort of amusement--each man dives into his pocket +and produces the eatables. + +Part of Jorrocks's half-quartern loaf was bartered with the captain of +an East Indiaman for a slice of buffalo-beef. The dentist exchanged +some veal sandwiches with a Jew for ham ones; a lawyer from the Borough +offered two slices of toast for a hard-boiled egg; in fact there was a +petty market "ouvert" held. "Now, Tomkins, where's the bottle?" demanded +Jenkins. "Vy, I thought you would bring it out to-day," replied he; "I +brought it last time, you know." "Take a little of mine, sir," said a +gentleman, presenting a leather-covered flask--"real Thomson and Fearon, +I assure you." "I wish someone would fetch an ocean of porter from the +nearest public," said another. "Take a cigar, sir?" "No; I feel werry +much obliged, but they always make me womit." "Is there any gentleman +here going to Halifax, who would like to make a third in a new yellow +barouche, with lavender-coloured wheels, and pink lining?" inquired +Mr.----, the coach-maker. "Look at the hounds, gentlemen sportsmen, +my noble sportsmen!" bellowed out an Epsom Dorling's +correct--cardseller--and turning their eyes in the direction in which +he was looking, our sportsmen saw them again making for the hills. +Pepper-and-salt first, and oh, what a goodly tail was there!--three +quarters of a mile in length, at the least. Now up they come--the "corps +de reserve" again join, and again a party halt upon the hills. Again Tom +Hills exchanges horses; and again the hounds go on in full cry. "I must +be off," said a gentleman in balloon-like leathers to another tiger; "we +have just time to get back to town, and ride round by the park before it +is dark--much better than seeing the end of this brute. Let us go"; and +away they went to canter through Hyde Park in their red coats. "I must +go and all," said another gentleman; "my dinner will be ready at five, +and it is now three." Jorrocks was game; and forgetting the quarter of +house-lamb, again tackled with the pack. A smaller sweep sufficed this +time, and the hills were once more descended, Jorrocks the first to lead +the way. He well knew the fox was sinking, and was determined to be in +at the death. Short running ensued--a check--the fox had lain down, +and they had overrun the scent. Now they were on him, and Tom Hills's +who-whoop confirmed the whole. + +"Ah! Tom Hills, Tom Hills!" exclaimed Jorrocks, as the former took up +the fox, "'ow splendid, 'ow truly brilliant--by Jove, you deserve to +be Lord Hill--oh, had he but a brush that we might present it to this +gentleman from the north-east side of the town of Boroughbridge, in the +county of York, to show the gallant doings of the men of Surrey!" "Ay," +said Tom, "but Squire----'s keeper has been before us for it." + +"Now," said a gentleman in a cap, to another in a hat, "if you will +ride up the hill and collect the money there, I will do so +below--half-a-crown, if you please, sir--half-a-crown, if you please, +sir.--Have I got your half-a-crown, sir?"--"Here's three shillings if +you will give me sixpence." "Certainly, sir--certainly." "We have no +time to spare," said Jorrocks, looking at his watch. "Good afternoon, +gentlemen, good afternoon," muttering as he went, "a quarter of +house-lamb at half-past five--Mrs. Jorrocks werry punctual--old Fleecy +werry particular." They cut across country to Croydon, and as they +approached the town, innumerable sportsmen came flocking in from all +quarters. "What sport have you had?" inquired Jorrocks of a gentleman in +scarlet; "have you been with Jolliffe?" "No, with the staghounds; three +beautiful runs; took him once in a millpond, once in a barn, and once in +a brickfield--altogether the finest day's sport I ever saw in my life." +"What have you done, Mr. J----?" "Oh, we have had a most gallant thing; +a brilliant run indeed--three hours and twenty minutes without a +check--over the finest country imaginable." "And who got the brush?" +inquired the stag-man. "Oh, it was a gallant run," said Jorrocks, "by +far the finest I ever remember." "But did you kill?" demanded his +friend. "Kill! to be sure we did. When don't the Surrey kill, I should +like to know?" "And who got his brush, did you say?" "I can't tell," +said he--"didn't hear the gentleman's name." "What sport has Mr. Meager +had to-day?" inquired he of a gentleman in trousers, who issued from a +side lane into the high road. "I have been with the Sanderstead, sir--a +very capital day's sport--run five hares and killed three. We should +have killed four--only--we didn't." "I don't think Mr. Meager has done +anything to-day." "Yes, he has," said a gentleman, who just joined +with a hare buckled on in front of his saddle, and his white cords all +stained with blood; "we killed this chap after an hour and forty-five +minutes' gallop; and accounted for another by losing her after running +upwards of-three-quarters of an hour." "Well, then, we have all had +sport," said Jorrocks, as he spurred his horse into a trot, and made for +Morton's stables--"and if the quarter of house-lamb is but right, then +indeed am I a happy man." + + + +III. SURREY SHOOTING: MR. JORROCKS IN TROUBLE + +Our readers are now becoming pretty familiar with our principal hero, +Mr. Jorrocks, and we hope he improves on acquaintance. Our fox-hunting +friends, we are sure, will allow him to be an enthusiastic member of the +brotherhood, and though we do not profess to put him in competition with +Musters, Osbaldeston, or any of those sort of men, we yet mean to say +that had his lot been cast in the country instead of behind a counter, +his keenness would have rendered him as conspicuous--if not as +scientific--as the best of them. + +For a cockney sportsman, however, he is a very excellent fellow--frank, +hearty, open, generous, and hospitable, and with the exception of riding +up Fleet Street one Saturday afternoon, with a cock-pheasant's tail +sticking out of his red coat pocket, no one ever saw him do a cock tail +action in his life. + +The circumstances attending that exhibition are rather curious.--He had +gone out as usual on a Saturday to have a day with the Surrey, but on +mounting his hunter at Croydon, he felt the nag rather queer under him, +and thinking he might have been pricked in the shoeing, he pulled up at +the smith's at Addington to have his feet examined. This lost him five +minutes, and unfortunately when he got to the meet, he found that a +"travelling[13] fox" had been tallied at the precise moment of throwing +off, with which the hounds had gone away in their usual brilliant style, +to the tune of "Blue bonnets are over the border." As may be supposed, +he was in a deuce of a rage; and his first impulse prompted him to +withdraw his subscription and be done with the hunt altogether, and he +trotted forward "on the line," in the hopes of catching them up to tell +them so. In this he was foiled, for after riding some distance, he +overtook a string of Smithfield horses journeying "foreign for Evans," +whose imprints he had been taking for the hoof-marks of the hunters. +About noon he found himself dull, melancholy, and disconsolate, before +the sign of the "Pig and Whistle," on the Westerham road, where, after +wetting his own whistle with a pint of half-and-half, he again journeyed +onward, ruminating on the uncertainty and mutability of all earthly +affairs, the comparative merits of stag-, fox-, and hare-hunting, and +the necessity of getting rid of the day somehow or other in the country. + +[Footnote 13: He might well be called a "travelling fox," for it was +said he had just travelled down from Herring's, in the New Road, by the +Bromley stage.] + +Suddenly his reverie was interrupted by the discharge of a gun in the +field adjoining the hedge along which he was passing, and the boisterous +whirring of a great cock-pheasant over his head, which caused his horse +to start and stop short, and to nearly pitch Jorrocks over his head. The +bird was missed, but the sportsman's dog dashed after it, with all the +eagerness of expectation, regardless of the cracks of the whip--the +"comes to heel," and "downs to charge" of the master. Jorrocks pulled +out his hunting telescope, and having marked the bird down with the +precision of a billiard-table keeper, rode to the gate to acquaint the +shooter with the fact, when to his infinite amazement he discovered his +friend, Nosey Browne (late of "The Surrey"), who, since his affairs had +taken the unfortunate turn mentioned in the last paper, had given up +hunting and determined to confine himself to shooting only. Nosey, +however, was no great performer, as may be inferred, when we state that +he had been in pursuit of the above-mentioned cock-pheasant ever since +daybreak, and after firing thirteen shots at him had not yet touched a +feather. + +His dog was of the right sort--for Nosey at least--and hope deferred had +not made his heart sick; on the contrary, he dashed after his bird for +the thirteenth time with all the eagerness he displayed on the first. +"Let me have a crack at him," said Jorrocks to Nosey, after their mutual +salutations were over. "I know where he is, and I think I can floor +him." Browne handed the gun to Jorrocks, who, giving up his hunter in +exchange, strode off, and having marked his bird accurately, he kicked +him up out of a bit of furze, and knocked him down as "dead as a +door-nail." By that pheasant's tail hangs the present one. + +Now Nosey Browne and Jorrocks were old friends, and Nosey's affairs +having gone crooked, why of course, like most men in a similar +situation, he was all the better for it; and while his creditors were +taking twopence-halfpenny in the pound, he was taking his diversion on +his wife's property, which a sagacious old father-in-law had secured to +the family in the event of such a contingency as a failure happening; so +knowing Jorrock's propensity for sports, and being desirous of chatting +over all his gallant doings with "The Surrey," shortly after the +above-mentioned day he dispatched a "twopenny," offering him a day's +shooting on his property in Surrey, adding, that he hoped he would dine +with him after. Jorrocks being invited himself, with a freedom peculiar +to fox-hunters, invited his friend the Yorkshireman, and visiting his +armoury, selected him a regular shot-scatterer of a gun, capable of +carrying ten yards on every side. + +At the appointed hour on the appointed morning, the Yorkshireman +appeared in Great Coram Street, where he found Mr. Jorrocks in the +parlour in the act of settling himself into a new spruce green cut-away +gambroon butler's pantry-jacket, with pockets equal to holding +a powder-flask each, his lower man being attired in tight drab +stocking-net pantaloons, and Hessian boots with large tassels--a +striking contrast to the fustian pocket-and-all-pocket jackets marked +with game-bag strap, and shot-belt, and the weather-beaten many-coloured +breeches and gaiters, and hob-nail shoes, that compose the equipment of +a shooter in Yorkshire. Mr. Jorrocks not keeping any "sporting dogs," as +the tax-papers call them, had borrowed a fat house-dog--a cross between +a setter and a Dalmatian--of his friend Mr. Evergreen the greengrocer, +which he had seen make a most undeniable point one morning in the +Copenhagen Fields at a flock of pigeons in a beetroot garden. This +valuable animal was now attached by a trash-cord through a ring in his +brass collar to a leg of the sideboard, while a clean licked dish at his +side, showed that Jorrocks had been trying to attach him to himself, by +feeding him before starting. + +"We'll take a coach to the Castle", said Jorrocks, "and then get a +go-cart or a cast somehow or other to Streatham, for we shall have +walking enough when we get there. Browne is an excellent fellow, and +will make us range every acre of his estate over half a dozen times +before we give in". A coach was speedily summoned, into which Jorrocks, +the dog Pompey, the Yorkshireman, and the guns were speedily placed, and +away they drove to the "Elephant and Castle." + +There were short stages about for every possible place except Streatham. +Greenwich, Deptford, Blackheath, Eltham, Bromley, Footscray, Beckenham, +Lewisham--all places but the right. However, there were abundance of +"go-carts," a species of vehicle that ply in the outskirts of the +metropolis, and which, like the watering-place "fly," take their name +from the contrary--in fact, a sort of _lucus a non lucendo_. They are +carts on springs, drawn by one horse (with curtains to protect the +company from the weather), the drivers of which, partly by cheating, and +partly by picking pockets, eke out a comfortable existence, and are +the most lawless set of rascals under the sun. Their arrival at +the "Elephant and Castle" was a signal for a general muster of the +fraternity, who, seeing the guns, were convinced that their journey was +only what they call "a few miles down the road," and they were speedily +surrounded by twenty or thirty of them, all with "excellent 'osses, vot +vould take their honours fourteen miles an hour." All men of business +are aware of the advantages of competition, and no one more so +than Jorrocks, who stood listening to their offers with the utmost +sang-froid, until he closed with one to take them to Streatham Church +for two shillings, and deliver them within the half-hour, which was a +signal for all the rest to set-to and abuse them, their coachman, and +his horse, which they swore had been carrying "stiff-uns" [14] all night, +and "could not go not none at all". Nor were they far wrong; for the +horse, after scrambling a hundred yards or two, gradually relaxed into +something between a walk and a trot, while the driver kept soliciting +every passer-by to "ride," much to our sportsmen's chagrin, who +conceived they were to have the "go" all to themselves. Remonstrance +was vain, and he crammed in a master chimney-sweep, Major Ballenger the +licensed dealer in tea, coffee, tobacco, and snuff, of Streatham +(a customer of Jorrocks), and a wet-nurse; and took up an Italian +organ-grinder to ride beside himself on the front, before they had +accomplished Brixton Hill. Jorrocks swore most lustily that he would +fine him, and at every fresh assurance, the driver offered a passer-by +a seat; but having enlisted Major Ballenger into their cause, they at +length made a stand, which, unfortunately for them, was more than the +horse could do, for just as he was showing off, as he thought, with a +bit of a trot, down they all soused in the mud. Great was the scramble; +guns, barrel-organ, Pompey, Jorrocks, driver, master chimney-sweep, +Major Ballenger, were all down together, while the wet-nurse, who sat at +the end nearest the door, was chucked clean over the hedge into a dry +ditch. This was a signal to quit the vessel, and having extricated +themselves the best way they could, they all set off on foot, and left +the driver to right himself at his leisure. + +[Footnote 14: Doing a bit of resurrection work.] + +Ballenger looked rather queer when he heard they were going to Nosey +Browne's, for it so happened that Nosey had managed to walk into his +books for groceries and kitchen-stuff to the tune of fourteen pounds, a +large sum to a man in a small way of business; and to be entertaining +friends so soon after his composition, seemed curious to Ballenger's +uninitiated suburban mind. + +Crossing Streatham Common, a short turn to the left by some yew-trees +leads, by a near cut across the fields, to Browne's house; a fiery-red +brick castellated cottage, standing on the slope of a gentle eminence, +and combining almost every absurdity a cockney imagination can be +capable of. Nosey, who was his own "Nash," set out with the intention of +making it a castle and nothing but a castle, and accordingly the windows +were made in the loophole fashion, and the door occupied a third of the +whole frontage. The inconveniences of the arrangements were soon felt, +for while the light was almost excluded from the rooms, "rude Boreas" +had the complete run of the castle whenever the door was opened. To +remedy this, Nosey increased the one and curtailed the other, and the +Gothic oak-painted windows and door flew from their positions to make +way for modern plate-glass in rich pea-green casements, and a door of +similar hue. The battlements, however, remained, and two wooden guns +guarded a brace of chimney-pots and commanded the wings of the castle, +one whereof was formed into a green-, the other into a gig-house. + +The peals of a bright brass-handled bell at a garden-gate, surmounted by +a holly-bush with the top cut into the shape of a fox, announced their +arrival to the inhabitants of "Rosalinda Castle," and on entering they +discovered young Nosey in the act of bobbing for goldfish, in a +pond about the size of a soup-basin; while Nosey senior, a fat, +stupid-looking fellow, with a large corporation and a bottle nose, +attired in a single-breasted green cloth coat, buff waistcoat, with drab +shorts and continuations, was reposing, _sub tegmine fagi_, in a sort +of tea-garden arbour, overlooking a dung-heap, waiting their arrival to +commence an attack upon the sparrows which were regaling thereon. At +one end of the garden was a sort of temple, composed of oyster-shells, +containing a couple of carrier-pigeons, with which Nosey had intended +making his fortune, by the early information to be acquired by them: but +"there is many a slip," as Jorrocks would say. + +Greetings being over, and Jorrocks having paid a visit to the larder, +and made up a stock of provisions equal to a journey through the +Wilderness, they adjourned to the yard to get the other dog, and the +man to carry the game--or rather, the prog, for the former was but +problematical. He was a character, a sort of chap of all work, one, in +short, "who has no objection to make himself generally useful"; but if +his genius had any decided bent, it was, perhaps, an inclination towards +sporting. + +Having to act the part of groom and gamekeeper during the morning, +and butler and footman in the afternoon, he was attired in a sort of +composition dress, savouring of the different characters performed. He +had on an old white hat, a groom's fustian stable-coat cut down into a +shooting-jacket, with a whistle at the button-hole, red plush smalls, +and top-boots. + +There is nothing a cockney delights in more than aping a country +gentleman, and Browne fancied himself no bad hand at it; indeed, since +his London occupation was gone, he looked upon himself as a country +gentleman in fact. "Vell, Joe," said he, striddling and sticking his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, to this invaluable man of +all work, "we must show the gemmem some sport to-day; vich do you think +the best line to start upon--shall we go to the ten hacre field, or the +plantation, or Thompson's stubble, or Timms's turnips, or my meadow, or +vere?" "Vy, I doesn't know," said Joe; "there's that old hen-pheasant as +we calls Drab Bess, vot has haunted the plantin' these two seasons, and +none of us ever could 'it (hit), and I hears that Jack, and Tom, and +Bob, are still left out of Thompson's covey; but, my eyes! they're +'special vild!" "Vot, only three left? where is old Tom, and the old +ramping hen?" inquired Browne. "Oh, Mr. Smith, and a party of them 'ere +Bankside chaps, com'd down last Saturday's gone a week, and rattled +nine-and-twenty shots at the covey, and got the two old 'uns; at least +it's supposed they were both killed, though the seven on 'em only bagged +one bird; but I heard they got a goose or two as they vent home. They +had a shot at old Tom, the hare, too, but he is still alive; at least +I pricked him yesterday morn across the path into the turnip-field. +Suppose we goes at him first?" + +The estate, like the game, was rather deficient in quantity, but Browne +was a wise man and made the most of what he had, and when he used to +talk about his "manor" on 'Change, people thought he had at least a +thousand acres--the extent a cockney generally advertises for, when he +wants to take a shooting-place. The following is a sketch of what he +had: The east, as far as the eye could reach, was bounded by Norwood, +a name dear to cockneys, and the scene of many a furtive kiss; the +hereditaments and premises belonging to Isaac Cheatum, Esq. ran parallel +with it on the west, containing sixty-three acres, "be the same more or +less," separated from which, by a small brook or runner of water, came +the estate of Mr. Timms, consisting of sixty acres, three roods, and +twenty-four perches, commonly called or known by the name of Fordham; +next to it were two allotments in right of common, for all manner of +cattle, except cows, upon Streatham Common, from whence up to Rosalinda +Castle, on the west, lay the estate of Mr. Browne, consisting of fifty +acres and two perches. Now it so happened that Browne had formerly the +permission to sport all the way up to Norwood, a distance of a mile and +a half, and consequently he might have been said to have the right of +shooting in Norwood itself, for the keepers only direct their attention +to the preservation of the timber and the morals of the visitors; but +since his composition with his creditors, Mr. Cheatum, who had "gone to +the wall" himself in former years, was so scandalised at Browne doing +the same, that no sooner did his name appear in the _Gazette_, than +Cheatum withdrew his permission, thereby cutting him off from Norwood +and stopping him in pursuit of his game. + +Joe's proposition being duly seconded, Mr. Jorrocks, in the most +orthodox manner, flushed off his old flint and steel fire-engine, and +proceeded to give it an uncommon good loading. The Yorkshireman, with +a look of disgust, mingled with despair, and a glance at Joe's plush +breeches and top-boots, did the same, while Nosey, in the most +considerate sportsmanlike manner, merely shouldered a stick, in order +that there might be no delicacy with his visitors, as to who should +shoot first--a piece of etiquette that aids the escape of many a bird in +the neighbourhood of London. + +Old Tom--a most unfortunate old hare, that what with the harriers, the +shooters, the snarers, and one thing and another, never knew a moment's +peace, and who must have started in the world with as many lives as +a cat--being doomed to receive the first crack on this occasion, our +sportsmen stole gently down the fallow, at the bottom of which were the +turnips, wherein he was said to repose; but scarcely had they reached +the hurdles which divided the field, before he was seen legging it away +clean out of shot. Jorrocks, who had brought his gun to bear upon him, +could scarcely refrain from letting drive, but thinking to come upon him +again by stealth, as he made his circuit for Norwood, he strode away +across the allotments and Fordham estate, and took up a position behind +a shed which stood on the confines of Mr. Timms's and Mr. Cheatum's +properties. Here, having procured a rest for his gun, he waited until +old Tom, who had tarried to nip a few blades of green grass that came +in his way, made his appearance. Presently he came cantering along the +outside of the wood, at a careless, easy sort of pace, betokening either +perfect indifference for the world's mischief, or utter contempt of +cockney sportsmen altogether. + +He was a melancholy, woe-begone-looking animal, long and lean, with a +slight inclination to grey on his dingy old coat, one that looked as +though he had survived his kindred and had already lived beyond his day. +Jorrocks, however, saw him differently, and his eyes glistened as +he came within range of his gun. A well-timed shot ends poor Tom's +miseries! He springs into the air, and with a melancholy scream rolls +neck over heels. Knowing that Pompey would infallibly spoil him if he +got up first, Jorrocks, without waiting to load, was in the act of +starting off to pick him up, when, at the first step, he found himself +in the grasp of a Herculean monster, something between a coal-heaver and +a gamekeeper, who had been secreted behind the shed. Nosey Browne, who +had been watching his movements, holloaed out to Jorrocks to "hold +hard," who stood motionless, on the spot from whence he fired, and +Browne was speedily alongside of him. "You are on Squire Cheatum's +estate," said the man; "and I have authority to take up all poachers and +persons found unlawfully trespassing; what's your name?" "He's not on +Cheatum's estate," said Browne. "He is," said the man. "You're a liar," +said Browne. "You're another," said the man. And so they went on; for +when such gentlemen meet, compliments pass current. At length the keeper +pulled out a foot-rule, and keeping Jorrocks in the same position he +caught him, he set-to to measure the distance of his foot from the +boundary, taking off in a line from the shed; when it certainly did +appear that the length of a big toe was across the mark, and putting up +his measure again, he insisted upon taking Jorrocks before a magistrate +for the trespass. Of course, no objection could be made, and they all +adjourned to Mr. Boreem's, when the whole case was laid before him. To +cut a long matter short--after hearing the pros and cons, and referring +to the Act of Parliament, his worship decided that a trespass had been +committed; and though, he said, it went against the grain to do so, he +fined Jorrocks in the mitigated penalty of one pound one. + +This was a sad damper to our heroes, who returned to the castle with +their prog untouched and no great appetite for dinner. Being only a +family party, when Mrs. B---- retired, the subject naturally turned upon +the morning's mishap, and at every glass of port Jorrocks waxed more +valiant, until he swore he would appeal against the "conwiction"; and +remaining in the same mind when he awoke the next morning, he took the +Temple in his way to St. Botolph Lane and had six-and-eightpence worth +with Mr. Capias the attorney, who very judiciously argued each side of +the question without venturing an opinion, and proposed stating a case +for counsel to advise upon. + +As usual, he gave one that would cut either way, though if it had any +tendency whatever it was to induce Jorrocks to go on; and he not wanting +much persuasion, it will not surprise our readers to hear that Jorrocks, +Capias, and the Yorkshireman were seen a few days after crossing +Waterloo Bridge in a yellow post-chaise, on their way to Croydon +sessions. + +After a "guinea" consultation at the "Greyhound," they adjourned to the +court, which was excessively crowded, Jorrocks being as popular with +the farmers and people as Cheatum was the reverse. Party feeling, too, +running rather high at the time, there had been a strong "whip" among +the magistrates to get a full attendance to reverse Boreem's conviction, +who had made himself rather obnoxious on the blue interest at the +election. Of course they all came in new hats,[15] and sat on the bench +looking as wise as gentlemen judges generally do. + +[Footnote 15: Magistrates always buy their hats about session times, as +they have the privilege of keeping their hats on their blocks in court.] + +One hundred and twenty-two affiliation cases (for this was in the +old Poor Law time) having been disposed of, about one o'clock in the +afternoon, the chairman, Mr. Tomkins of Tomkins, moved the order of the +day. He was a perfect prototype of a county magistrate--with a bald +powdered head covered by a low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat, hair +terminating behind in a _queue_, resting on the ample collar of a +snuff-brown coat, with a large bay-window of a corporation, with +difficulty retained by the joint efforts of a buff waistcoat, and the +waistband of a pair of yellow leather breeches. His countenance, which +was solemn and grave in the extreme, might either be indicative of sense +or what often serves in the place of wisdom--when parties can only hold +their tongues--great natural stupidity. From the judge's seat, which he +occupied in the centre of the bench, he observed, with immense dignity, +"There is an appeal of Jorrocks against Cheatum, which we, the bench of +magistrates of our lord the king, will take if the parties are ready," +and immediately the court rang with "Jorrocks and Cheatum! Jorrocks and +Cheatum! Mr. Capias, attorney-at-law! Mr. Capias answer to his name! Mr. +Sharp attorney-at-law! Mr. Sharp's in the jury-room.--Then go fetch him +directly," from the ushers and bailiffs of the court; for though Tomkins +of Tomkins was slow himself, he insisted upon others being quick, and +was a great hand at prating about saving the time of the suitors. At +length the bustle of counsel crossing the table, parties coming in +and others leaving court, bailiffs shouting, and ushers responding, +gradually subsided into a whisper of, "That's Jorrocks! That's Cheatum!" +as the belligerent parties took their places by their respective +counsel. Silence having been called and procured, Mr. Smirk, a +goodish-looking man for a lawyer, having deliberately unfolded his +brief, which his clerk had scored plentifully in the margin, to make the +attorney believe he had read it very attentively, rose to address the +court--a signal for half the magistrates to pull their newspapers out of +their pockets, and the other half to settle themselves down for a nap, +all the sport being considered over when the affiliation cases closed. + +"I have the honour to appear on behalf of Mr. Jorrocks," said Mr. +Smirk, "a gentleman of the very highest consideration--a fox-hunter--a +shooter--and a grocer. In ordinary cases it might be necessary to prove +the party's claim to respectability, but, in this instance, I feel +myself relieved from any such obligation, knowing, as I do, that there +is no one in this court, no one in these realms--I might almost add, +no one in this world--to whom the fame of my most respectable, my most +distinguished, and much injured client is unknown. Not to know JORROCKS +is indeed to argue oneself unknown." + +"This is a case of no ordinary interest, and I approach it with a deep +sense of its importance, conscious of my inability to do justice to the +subject, and lamenting that it has not been entrusted to abler hands. +It is a case involving the commercial and the sporting character of +a gentleman against whom the breath of calumny has never yet been +drawn--of a gentleman who in all the relations of life, whether as a +husband, a fox-hunter, a shooter, or a grocer, has invariably preserved +that character and reputation, so valuable in commercial life, so +necessary in the sporting world, and so indispensable to a man moving in +general society. Were I to look round London town in search of a bright +specimen of a man combining the upright, sterling integrity of the +honourable British merchant of former days with the ardour of the +English fox-hunter of modern times, I would select my most respectable +client, Mr. Jorrocks. He is a man for youth to imitate and revere! +Conceive, then, the horror of a man of his delicate sensibility--of his +nervous dread of depreciation--being compelled to appear here this +day to vindicate his character, nay more, his honour, from one of the +foulest attempts at conspiracy that was ever directed against any +individual. I say that a grosser attack was never made upon the +character of any grocer, and I look confidently to the reversion of this +unjust, unprecedented conviction, and to the triumphant victory of my +most respectable and public-spirited client. It is not for the sake of +the few paltry shillings that he appeals to this court--it is not for +the sake of calling in question the power of the constituted authorities +of this county--but it is for the vindication and preservation of a +character dear to all men, but doubly dear to a grocer, and which once +lost can never be regained. Look, I say, upon my client as he sits below +the witness-box, and say, if in that countenance there appears any +indication of a lawless or rebellious spirit; look, I say, if the milk +of human kindness is not strikingly portrayed in every feature, and +truly may I exclaim in the words of the poet:" + + If to his share some trifling errors fall, + Look in his face, and you'll forget them all.' + +"I regret to be compelled to trespass upon the valuable time of the +court; but, sir, this appeal is based on a trespass, and one good +trespass deserves another." + +The learned gentleman then proceeded to detail the proceedings of the +day's shooting, and afterwards to analyse the enactments of the new Game +Bill, which he denounced as arbitrary, oppressive, and ridiculous, and +concluded a long and energetic speech, by calling upon the court to +reverse the decision of the magistrate, and not support the preposterous +position of fining a man for a trespass committed by his toe. + +After a few minutes had elapsed, Mr. Sergeant Bumptious, a stiff, +bull-headed little man, desperately pitted with the smallpox, rose to +reply, and looking round the court, thus commenced: + +"Five-and-thirty years have I passed in courts of justice, but never, +during a long and extensive practice, have I witnessed so gross a +perversion of that sublimest gift, called eloquence, as within the last +hour"--here he banged his brief against the table, and looked at Mr. +Smirk, who smiled.--"I lament, sir, that it has not been employed in a +better cause--(bang again--and another look). My learned friend has, +indeed, laboured to make the worse appear the better cause--to convert +into a trifle one of the most outrageous acts that ever disgraced a +human being or a civilised country. Well did he describe the importance +of this case!--important as regards his client's character--important +as regards this great and populous county--important as regards those +social ties by which society is held together--important as regards +a legislative enactment, and important as regards the well-being and +prosperity of the whole nation--(bang, bang, bang). I admire the +bombastic eloquence with which my learned friend introduced his +most distinguished client--his most delicate minded--sensitive +client!--Truly, to hear him speaking I should have thought he had been +describing a lovely, blushing young lady, but when he comes to exhibit +his paragon of perfection, and points out that great, red-faced, coarse, +vulgar-looking, lubberly lump of humanity--(here Bumptious looked at +Jorrocks as he would eat him)--sitting below the witness-box, and +seeks to enlist the sympathies of your worships on the Bench--of you, +gentlemen, the high-minded, shrewd, penetrating judges of this important +cause--(and Bumptious smiled and bowed along the Bench upon all whose +eyes he could catch)--on behalf of such a monster of iniquity, it +does make one blush for the degradation of the British +Bar--(bang--bang--bang--Jorrocks here looked unutterable things). Does +my learned friend think by displaying his hero as a fox-hunter, +and extolling his prowess in the field, to gain over the sporting +magistrates on the Bench? He knows little of the upright integrity--the +uncompromising honesty--the undeviating, inflexible impartiality that +pervades the breast of every member of this tribunal, if he thinks +for the sake of gain, fear, favour, hope, or reward, to influence +the opinion, much less turn the judgment, of any one of them." (Here +Bumptious bowed very low to them all and laid his hand upon his heart. +Tomkins nodded approbation.) "Far, far be it from me to dwell with +unbecoming asperity on the conduct of anyone--we are all mortals--and +alike liable to err; but when I see a man who has been guilty of an act +which has brought him all but within the verge of the prisoners' dock; I +say, when I see a man who has been guilty of such an outrage on society +as this ruffian Jorrocks, come forward with the daring effrontery +that he has this day done, and claim redress where he himself is the +offender, it does create a feeling in my mind divided between disgust +and amazement"--(bang). + +Here Jorrock's cauldron boiled over, and rising from his seat with an +outstretched shoulder-of-mutton fist, he bawled out, "D--n you, sir, +what do you mean?" + +The court was thrown into amazement, and even Bumptious quailed before +the fist of the mighty Jorrocks. "I claim the protection of the court," +he exclaimed. Mr. Tomkins interposed, and said he should certainly order +Mr. Jorrocks into custody if he repeated his conduct, adding that it was +"most disrespectful to the justices of our lord the king." + +Bumptious paused a little to gather breath and a fresh volume of venom +wherewith to annihilate Jorrocks, and catching his eye, he transfixed +him like a rattlesnake, and again resumed. + +"How stands the case?" said he. "This cockney grocer--for after all +he is nothing else--who I dare say scarcely knows a hawk from a +hand-saw--leaves his figs and raisins, and sets out on a marauding +excursion into the county of Surrey, and regardless of property--of +boundaries--of laws--of liberties--of life itself--strides over every +man's land, letting drive at whatever comes in his way! The hare he shot +on this occasion was a pet hare!--For three successive summers had +Miss Cheatum watched and fed it with all the interest and anxiety of a +parent. I leave it to you, gentlemen, who have daughters of your own, +with pets also, to picture to yourselves the agony of her mind in +finding that her favourite had found its way down the throat of that +great guzzling, gormandising, cockney cormorant; and then, forsooth, +because he is fined for the outrageous trespass, he comes here as the +injured party, and instructs his counsel to indulge in Billingsgate +abuse that would disgrace the mouth of an Old Bailey practitioner! I +regret that instead of the insignificant fine imposed upon him, the law +did not empower the worthy magistrate to send him to the treadmill, +there to recreate himself for six or eight months, as a warning to the +whole fraternity of lawless vagabonds." Here he nodded his head at +Jorrocks as much as to say, "I'll trounce you, my boy!" He then produced +maps and plans of the different estates, and a model of the shed, to +show how it had all happened, and after going through the case in such a +strain as would induce one to believe it was a trial for murder or high +treason, concluded as follows: + +"The eyes of England are upon us--reverse this conviction, and you let +loose a rebel band upon the country, ripe for treason, stratagem, or +spoil--you overturn the finest order of society in the world; henceforth +no man's property will be safe, the laws will be disregarded, and even +the upright, talented, and independent magistracy of England brought +into contempt. But I feel convinced that your decision will be +far otherwise--that by it you will teach these +hot-headed--rebellious--radical grocers that they cannot offend with +impunity, and show them that there is a law which reaches even the +lowest and meanest inhabitant of these realms, that amid these days of +anarchy and innovation you will support the laws and aristocracy of this +country, that you will preserve to our children, and our children's +children, those rights and blessings which a great and enlightened +administration have conferred upon ourselves, and raise for Tomkins +of Tomkins and the magistracy of the proud county of Surrey, a name +resplendent in modern times and venerated to all eternity." + +Here Bumptious cast a parting frown at Jorrocks, and banging down his +brief, tucked his gown under his arm, turned on his heel and left the +court, to indulge in a glass of pale sherry and a sandwich, regardless +which way the verdict went, so long as he had given him a good quilting. +The silence that followed had the effect of rousing some of the dozing +justices, who nudging those who had fallen asleep, they all began to +stir themselves, and having laid their heads together, during which +time they settled the dinner-hour for that day, and the meets of the +staghounds for the next fortnight, they began to talk of the matter +before the court. + +"I vote for reversing," said Squire Jolthead; "Jorrocks is such a +capital fellow." "I must support Boreem," said Squire Hicks: "he gave me +a turn when I made the mistaken commitment of Gipsy Jack." "What do +you say, Mr. Giles?" inquired Mr. Tomkins. "Oh, anything you like, Mr. +Tomkins." "And you, Mr. Hopper?" who had been asleep all the time. "Oh! +guilty, I should say--three months at the treadmill--privately whipped, +if you like," was the reply. Mr. Petty always voted on whichever +side Bumptious was counsel--the learned serjeant having married his +sister--and four others always followed the chair. + +Tomkins then turned round, the magistrates resumed their seats along the +bench, and coming forward he stood before the judge's chair, and taking +off his hat with solemn dignity and precision, laid it down exactly in +the centre of the desk, amid cries from the bailiffs and ushers for +"Silence, while the justices of the peace of our sovereign lord the +king, deliver the judgment of the court." + +"The appellant in this case," said Mr. Tomkins, very slowly, "seeks to +set aside a conviction for trespass, on the ground, as I understand, +of his not having committed one. The principal points of the case are +admitted, as also the fact of Mr. Jorrocks's toe, or a part of his toe, +having intruded upon the respondent's estate. Now, so far as that point +is concerned, it seems clear to myself and to my brother magistrates, +that it mattereth not how much or how little of the toe was upon the +land, so long as any part thereof was there. 'De minimis non curat +lex'--the English of which is 'the law taketh no cognisance of +fractions'--is a maxim among the salaried judges of the inferior +courts in Westminster Hall, which we the unpaid, the in-cor-rup-ti-ble +magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, have adopted in the very deep +and mature deliberation that preceded the formation of our most solemn +judgment. In the present great and important case, we, the unpaid +magistrates of our sovereign lord the king, do not consider it necessary +that there should be 'a toe, a whole toe, and nothing but a toe,' to +constitute a trespass, any more than it would be necessary in the case +of an assault to prove that the kick was given by the foot, the whole +foot, and nothing but the foot. If any part of the toe was there, the +law considers that it was there _in toto_. Upon this doctrine, it is +clear that Mr. Jorrocks was guilty of a trespass, and the conviction +must be affirmed. Before I dismiss the case I must say a few words on +the statute under which this decision takes place. + +"This is the first conviction that has taken place since the passing +of the Act, and will serve as a precedent throughout all England. I +congratulate the country upon the efficacy of the tribunal to which +it has been submitted. The court has listened with great and becoming +attention to the arguments of the counsel on both sides: and though +one gentleman with a flippant ignorance has denounced this new law as +inferior to the pre-existing system, and a curse to the country, we, +the magistrates of the proud county of Surrey, must enter our protest +against such a doctrine being promulgated. Peradventure, you are all +acquainted with my prowess as a shooter; I won two silver tankards at +the Red House, Anno Domini 1815. I mention this to show that I am a +practical sportsman, and as to the theory of the Game Laws, I derive my +information from the same source that you may all derive yours--from the +bright refulgent pages of the _New Sporting Magazine_!" + + + +IV. MR. JORROCKS AND THE SURREY STAGHOUNDS + +The Surrey foxhounds had closed their season--a most brilliant one--but +ere Mr. Jorrocks consigned his boots and breeches to their summer +slumber, he bethought of having a look at the Surrey staghounds, a pack +now numbered among the things that were. + +Of course he required a companion, were it only to have some one to +criticise the hounds with, so the evening before the appointed day, as +the Yorkshireman was sitting in his old corner at the far end of the +Piazza Coffee-room in Covent Garden, having just finished his second +marrowbone and glass of white brandy, George--the only waiter in the +room with a name--came smirking up with a card in his hand, saying, that +the gentleman was waiting outside to speak with him. It was a printed +one, but the large round hand in which the address had been filled up, +encroaching upon the letters, had made the name somewhat difficult to +decipher. At length he puzzled out "Mr. John Jorrocks--Coram Street"; +the name of the city house or shop in the corner (No.--, St. Botolph's +Lane) being struck through with a pen. "Oh, ask him to walk in +directly," said the Yorkshireman to George, who trotted off, and +presently the flapping of the doors in the passage announced his +approach, and honest Jorrocks came rolling up the room--not like a +fox-hunter, or any other sort of hunter, but like an honest wholesale +grocer, fresh from the city. + +"My dear fellow, I'm so glad to see you, you can't think," said he, +advancing with both hands out, and hugging the Yorkshireman after the +manner of a Polar bear. "I have not time to stay one moment; I have to +meet Mr. Wiggins at the corner of Bloomsbury Square at a quarter to six, +and it wants now only seven minutes to," casting his eye up at the clock +over the sideboard.--"I have just called to say that as you are fond of +hunting, and all that sort of thing, if you have a mind for a day with +the staghounds to-morrow, I will mount you same as before, and all that +sort of thing--you understand, eh?" "Thank you, my good friend," said +the Yorkshireman; "I have nothing to do to-morrow, and am your man for +a stag-hunt." "That's right, my good fellow," said Jorrocks, "then I'll +tell you what do--come and breakfast with me in Great Coram Street, at +half-past seven to a minute. I've got one of the first 'ams (hams) you +ever clapt eyes on in the whole course of your memorable existence.--Saw +the hog alive myself--sixteen score within a pound; must come--know you +like a fork breakfast--dejeune a la fauchette, as we say in France, eh? +Like my Lord Mayor's fool I guess, love what's good; well, all right +too--so come without any ceremony--us fox-hunters hates ceremony--where +there's ceremony there's no friendship.--Stay--I had almost forgotten," +added he, checking himself as he was on the point of departure. "When +you come, ring the area bell, and then Mrs. J---- won't hear; know you +don't like Mrs. J---- no more than myself." + +At the appointed hour the Yorkshireman reached Great Coram Street, just +as Old Jorrocks had opened the door to look down the street for him. +He was dressed in a fine flowing, olive-green frock (made like a +dressing-gown), with a black velvet collar, having a gold embroidered +stag on each side, gilt stag-buttons, with rich embossed edges; an acre +of buff waistcoat, and a most antediluvian pair of bright yellow-ochre +buckskins, made by White, of Tarporley, in the twenty-first year of +the reign of George the Third; they were double-lashed, back-stiched, +front-stiched, middle-stiched, and patched at both knees, with a slit up +behind. The coat he had won in a bet, and the breeches in a raffle, the +latter being then second or third hand. His boots were airing before the +fire, consequently he displayed an amplitude of calf in grey worsted +stockings, while his feet were thrust into green slippers. "So glad to +see you"! said he; "here's a charming morning, indeed--regular southerly +wind and a cloudy sky--rare scenting it will be--think I could almost +run a stag myself. Come in--never mind your hat, hang it anywhere, but +don't make a noise. I stole away and left Mrs. J---- snoring, so won't +do to wake her, you know. By the way, you should see my hat;--Batsey, +fatch my hat out of the back parlour. I've set up a new green silk cord, +with a gold frog to fasten it to my button-hole--werry illigant, I +think, and werry suitable to the dress--quite my own idea--have a notion +all the Surrey chaps will get them; for, between you and me, I set the +fashions, and what is more, I sometimes set them at a leap too. But now +tell me, have you any objection to breakfasting in the kitchen?--more +retired, you know, besides which you get everything hot and hot, +which is what I call doing a bit of plisure." "Not at all," said the +Yorkshireman, "so lead the way"; and down they walked to the lower +regions. + +It was a nice comfortable-looking place, with a blazing fire, half +the floor covered with an old oil-cloth, and the rest exhibiting the +cheerless aspect of the naked flags. About a yard and a half from the +fire was placed the breakfast table; in the centre stood a magnificent +uncut ham, with a great quartern loaf on one side and a huge Bologna +sausage on the other; besides these there were nine eggs, two pyramids +of muffins, a great deal of toast, a dozen ship-biscuits, and half a +pork-pie, while a dozen kidneys were spluttering on a spit before the +fire, and Betsy held a gridiron covered with mutton-chops on the top; +altogether there was as much as would have served ten people. "Now, sit +down," said Jorrocks, "and let us be doing, for I am as hungry as +a hunter. Hope you are peckish too; what shall I give you? tea or +coffee?--but take both--coffee first and tea after a bit. If I can't +give you them good, don't know who can. You must pay your devours, as we +say in France, to the 'am, for it is an especial fine one, and do take +a few eggs with it; there, I've not given you above a pound of 'am, but +you can come again, you know--waste not want not. Now take some muffins, +do, pray. Batsey, bring some more cream, and set the kidneys on the +table, the Yorkshireman is getting nothing to eat. Have a chop with +your kidney, werry luxterous--I could eat an elephant stuffed with +grenadiers, and wash them down with a ocean of tea; but pray lay in to +the breakfast, or I shall think you don't like it. There, now take some +tea and toast or one of those biscuits, or whatever you like; would a +little more 'am be agreeable? Batsey, run into the larder and see if +your Missis left any of that cold chine of pork last night--and hear, +bring the cold goose, and any cold flesh you can lay hands on, there are +really no wittles on the table. I am quite ashamed to set you down to +such a scanty fork breakfast; but this is what comes of not being master +of your own house. Hope your hat may long cover your family: rely +upon it, it is cheaper to buy your bacon than to keep a pig". Just as +Jorrocks uttered these last words the side door opened, and without +either "with your leave or by your leave", in bounced Mrs. Jorrocks in +an elegant dishabille (or "dish-of-veal", as Jorrocks pronounced it), +with her hair tucked up in papers, and a pair of worsted slippers on her +feet, worked with roses and blue lilies. + +"Pray, Mister J----," said she, taking no more notice of the +Yorkshireman than if he had been enveloped in Jack the Giant-killer's +coat of darkness, "what is the meaning of this card? I found it in your +best coat pocket, which you had on last night, and I do desire, sir, +that you will tell me how it came there. Good morning, sir (spying the +Yorkshireman at last), perhaps you know where Mr. Jorrocks was last +night, and perhaps you can tell me who this person is whose card I +have found in the corner of Mr. Jorrocks's best coat pocket?" "Indeed, +madam", replied the Yorkshireman, "Mr. Jorrocks's movements of yesterday +evening are quite a secret to me. It is the night that he usually spends +at the Magpie and Stump, but whether he was there or not I cannot +pretend to say, not being a member of the free and easy club. As for the +card, madam..." "There, then, take it and read it," interrupted Mrs. +J----; and he took the card accordingly--a delicate pale pink, with blue +borders and gilt edge--and read--we would fain put it all in dashes and +asterisks--"Miss Juliana Granville, John Street, Waterloo Road." + +This digression giving Mr. Jorrocks a moment or two to recollect +himself, he pretended to get into a thundering passion, and seizing +the card out of the Yorkshireman's hand, he thrust it into the fire, +swearing it was an application for admission into the Deaf and Dumb +Institution, where he wished he had Mrs. J----. The Yorkshireman, seeing +the probability of a breeze, pretended to have forgotten something +at the Piazza, and stole away, begging Jorrocks to pick him up as he +passed. Peace had soon been restored; for the Yorkshireman had not taken +above three or four turns up and down the coffee-room, ere George the +waiter came to say that a gentleman waited outside. Putting on his hat +and taking a coat over his arm, he turned out; when just before the door +he saw a man muffled up in a great military cloak, and a glazed hat, +endeavouring to back a nondescript double-bodied carriage (with lofty +mail box-seats and red wheels), close to the pavement. "Who-ay, who-ay," +said he, "who-ay, who-ay, horse!" at the same time jerking at his mouth. +As the Yorkshireman made his exit, a pair eyes of gleamed through the +small aperture between the high cloak collar and the flipe of the glazed +hat, which he instantly recognised to belong to Jorrocks. "Why, what the +deuce is this you are in?" said he, looking at the vehicle. "Jump up," +said Jorrocks, "and I'll tell you all about it," which having done, and +the machine being set in motion he proceeded to relate the manner in +which he had exchanged his cruelty-van for it--by the way, as arrant +a bone-setter as ever unfortunate got into, but which he, with the +predilection all men have for their own, pronounced to be a "monstrous +nice carriage." On their turning off the rough pavement on to the quiet +smooth Macadamised road leading to Waterloo Bridge, his dissertation was +interrupted by a loud horse-laugh raised by two or three toll-takers and +boys lounging about the gate. + +"I say, Tom, twig this 'ere machine," said one. "Dash my buttons, I +never seed such a thing in all my life." "What's to pay?" inquired +Jorrocks, pulling up with great dignity, their observations not having +penetrated the cloak collar which encircled his ears. "To pay!" said the +toll-taker--"vy, vot do ye call your consarn?" "Why, a phaeton," said +Jorrocks. "My eyes! that's a good 'un," said another. "I say, Jim--he +calls this 'ere thing a phe-a-ton!" "A phe-a-ton!--vy, it's more like a +fire-engine," said Jim. "Don't be impertinent," said Jorrocks, who had +pulled down his collar to hear what he had to pay--"but tell me what's +to pay?" "Vy, it's a phe-a-ton drawn by von or more 'orses," said +the toll-taker; "and containing von or more asses," said Tom. +"Sixpence-halfpenny, sir," "You are a saucy fellow," said Jorrocks. +"Thank ye, master, you're another," said the toll-taker; "and now that +you have had your say, vot do ye ax for your mouth?" "I say, sir, do you +belong to the Phenix? Vy don't you show your badge?" "I say, Tom, that +'ere fire-engine has been painted by some house-painter, it's never been +in the hands of no coach-maker. Do you shave by that 'ere glazed castor +of yours?" "I'm blowed it I wouldn't get you a shilling a week to +shove your face in sand, to make moulds for brass knockers." "Ay, get +away!--make haste, or the fire will be out," bawled out another, as +Jorrocks whipped on, and rattled out of hearing. + +"Now, you see," said he, resuming the thread of his discourse, as if +nothing had happened, "this back seat turns down and makes a box, so +that when Mrs. J---- goes to her mother's at Tooting, she can take all +her things with her, instead of sending half of them by the coach as she +used to do; and if we are heavy, there is a pole belonging to it, so +that we can have two horses; and then there is a seat draws out here +(pulling a stool from between his legs) which anybody can sit on." "Yes, +anybody that is small enough," said the Yorkshireman, "but you would cut +a queer figure on it, I reckon." The truth was, that the "fire-engine" +was one of those useless affairs built by some fool upon a plan of his +own, with the idea of combining every possible comfort and advantage, +and in reality not possessing one. Friend Jorrocks had seen it at a +second-hand shop in Fore Street, and became the happy owner of it, in +exchange for the cruelty-van and seventeen pounds.--Their appearance on +the road created no small sensation, and many were the jokes passed upon +the "fire-engine." One said they were mountebanks; another that it was +a horse-break; a third asked if it was one of Gurney's steam-carriages, +while a fourth swore it was a new convict-cart going to Brixton. +Jorrocks either did not or would not hear their remarks, and kept +expatiating upon the different purposes to which the machine might be +converted, and the stoutness of the horse that was drawing it. + +As they approached the town of Croydon, he turned his cloak over his +legs in a very workman-like manner, and was instantly hailed by some +brother sportsmen;--one complimented him on his looks, another on his +breeches, a third praised his horse, a fourth abused the fire-engine, +and a fifth inquired where he got his glazed hat. He had an answer for +them all, and a nod or a wink for every pretty maid that showed at the +windows; for though past the grand climacteric, he still has a spice of +the devil in him--and, as he says, "there is no harm in looking." The +"Red Lion" at Smitham Bottom was the rendezvous of the day. It is a +small inn on the Brighton road, some three or four miles below Croydon. +On the left of the road stands the inn, on the right is a small +training-ground, and the country about is open common and down. There +was an immense muster about the inn, and also on the training-ground, +consisting of horsemen, gig-men, post-chaise-men, footmen,--Jorrocks and +the Yorkshireman made the firemen. + +"Here's old Jorrocks, I do declare", exclaimed one, as Jorrocks drove +the fire-engine up at as quick a pace as his horse would go. "Why, +what a concern he's in", said another, "why, the old man's mad, +surely".--"He's good for a subscription," added another, addressing him. +"I say, Jorrocks, old boy, you'll give us ten pound for our hounds +won't you?--that's a good fellow." "Oh yes, Jorrocks promised us a +subscription last year," observed another, "and he is a man of his +word--arn't you old leather breeches?" "No, gentlemen," said Jorrocks, +standing up in the fire-engine, and sticking the whip into its nest, +"I really cannot--I wish I could, but I really cannot afford it. Times +really are so bad, and I have my own pack to subscribe to, and I must +be 'just before I am generous.'" "Oh, but ten pounds is nothing in your +way, you know, Jorrocks--adulterate a chest of tea. Old----here will +give you all the leaves off his ash-trees." "No," said Jorrocks, +"I really cannot--ten pounds is ten pounds, and I must cut my coat +according to my cloth." "By Jove, but you must have had plenty of cloth +when you cut that coat you've got on, old boy. Why there's as much cloth +in the laps as would make a pair of horse-sheets." "Never mind," said +Jorrocks, "I wear it, and not you." "Now," said Jorrocks in an undertone +to the Yorkshireman, "you see what an unconscionable set of dogs these +stag-'unters are. They're at every man for a subscription, and talk +about guineas as if they grew upon gooseberry-bushes. Besides, they are +such a rubbishing set--all drafts from the fox'ounds.--Now there's a +chap on a piebald just by the trees--he goes into the _Gazette_ reglarly +once in three years, and yet to see him out, you'd fancy all the country +round belonged to him. And there's a buck with his bearing-rein so tight +that he can hardly move his neck," pointing to a gentleman in scarlet, +with a tremendous stiff blue cravat--"he lives by keeping a mad-house +and being werry high, consequential sort of a cock, they calls him the +'Lord High Keeper!'--I'll tell ye a joke about that fellow," said he, +pointing to a man alighting from a red-wheeled buggy--"he's a werry +shabby screw, and is always trying to save a penny.--Well, he hires a +young half-witted hawbuck for a servant, who didn't clean his boots to +his liking, so he began reading the Riot Act one day, and concluded by +saying, 'I'm blowed if I couldn't clean them better myself with a little +pump-water.'--The next day, up came the boots duller than ever.--'Bless +my soul,' exclaimed he, 'why, they are worse than before, how's this, +sir?'--'Please, sir, you said you could clean them better with a little +pump-water, so I tried it, and I do think they are worse!' Haw! haw! +haw!--Yon chap in the black plush breeches and Hessians, standing by the +ginger-pop tray, is the only man what ever got the better of me in the +'oss-dealing line, and he certainlie did bite me uncommon 'andsomely. +I gave him three and twenty pounds, a strong violin case with patent +hinges, lined with superfine green baize, and an uncut copy of +Middleton's _Cicero_, for an 'oss that the blacksmith really declared +wasn't worth shoeing.--Howsomever, I paid him off, for I christened the +'oss Barabbas--who, you knows, was a robber--and the seller has gone by +the name of Barabbas ever since." + +"Well, but tell me, gentlemen, where do we dine?" inquired Jorrocks, +turning to a group who had just approached the fire-engine. "We don't +know yet," said a gentleman in scarlet, "the deer has not come yet; but +yonder he is," pointing up the road to a covered cart, "and there are +the hounds just coming over the hill at the back." The covered cart +approached, and several went to meet it. The cry of "Oh, it's old +Tunbridge," was soon heard. "Well, we shall have a good dinner," said +Jorrocks, "if that is the case. Is it Tunbridge?" inquired he eagerly +of one of the party who returned from the deer-cart. "Yes, it's old +Tunbridge, and Snooks has ordered dinner at the Wells for sixteen at +five o'clock, so the first sixteen that get there had better look out." +"Here, bouy," said Jorrocks in an undertone to his servant, who was +leading his screws about on the green, "take this 'oss out of the +carriage, and give him a feed of corn, and then go on to Tunbridge +Wells, and tell Mr. Pegg, at the Sussex Arms, that I shall be there with +a friend to the dinner, and bid him write 'Jorrocks' upon two plates and +place them together.--Nothing like making sure," said he, chuckling at +his own acuteness. + +"Now to 'orse--to 'orse!" exclaimed he, suiting the action to the word, +and climbing on to his great chestnut, leaving the Yorkshireman to mount +the rat-tail brown. "Let's have a look at the 'ounds", turning his horse +in the direction in which they were coming. Jonathan Griffin[16] took off +his cap to Jorrocks, as he approached, who waved his hand in the most +patronising manner possible, adding "How are you, Jonathan?" "Pretty +well, thank you, Mister Jorrocks, hope you're the same." "No, not the +same, for I'm werry well, which makes all the difference--haw! haw! haw! +You seem to have but a shortish pack, I think--ten, twelve, fourteen +couple--'ow's that? We always take nine and twenty with the Surrey". +"Why, you see, Mister Jorrocks, stag-hunting and fox-hunting are very +different. The scent of the deer is very ravishing, and then we have no +drawing for our game. Besides, at this season, there are always bitches +to put back--but we have plenty of hounds for sport.--I suppose we may +be after turning out," added Jonathan, looking at his watch--"it's past +eleven." + +[Footnote 16: Poor Jonathan, one of the hardest riders and drinkers of his +day, exists, like his pack, but in the recollection of mankind. He +was long huntsman to the late Lord Derby, who, when he gave up his +staghounds, made Jonathan a present of them, and for two or three +seasons he scratched on in an indifferent sort of way, until the hounds +were sold to go abroad--to Hungary, we believe.] + +On hearing this, a gentleman off with his glove and began collecting, +or capping, prior to turning out--it being the rule of the hunt to make +sure of the money before starting, for fear of accidents. "Half a crown, +if you please, sir." "Now I'll take your half a crown." "Mr. Jorrocks, +shall I trouble you for half a crown?" "Oh, surely," said Jorrocks, +pulling out a handful of great five-shilling pieces; "here's for this +gentleman and myself," handing one of them over, "and I shan't even ask +you for discount for ready money." The capping went round, and a goodly +sum was collected. Meanwhile the deer-cart was drawn to the far side of +a thick fence, and the door being opened, a lubberly-looking animal, as +big as a donkey, blobbed out, and began feeding very composedly. "That +won't do," said Jonathan Griffin, eyeing him--"ride on, Tom, and whip +him away." Off went the whip, followed by a score of sportsmen whose +shouts, aided by the cracking of their whips, would have frightened the +devil himself; and these worthies, knowing the hounds would catch them +up in due time, resolved themselves into a hunt for the present, and +pursued the animal themselves. Ten minutes having expired and the hounds +seeming likely to break away, Jonathan thought it advisable to let them +have their wicked will, and accordingly they rushed off in full cry +to the spot where the deer had been uncarted. Of course, there was no +trouble in casting for the scent; indeed they were very honest, and did +not pretend to any mystery; the hounds knew within an inch where it +would be, and the start was pretty much like that for a hunter's plate +in four-mile heats. A few dashing blades rode before the hounds +at starting, but otherwise the field was tolerably quiet, and was +considerably diminished after the three first leaps. The scent improved, +as did the pace, and presently they got into a lane along which they +rattled for five miles as hard as ever they could lay legs to the +ground, throwing the mud into each other's faces, until each man looked +as if he was roughcast. A Kentish wagon, drawn by six oxen, taking up +the whole of the lane, had obliged the dear animal to take to the fields +again, where, at the first fence, most of our high-mettled racers stood +still. In truth, it was rather a nasty place, a yawning ditch, with a +mud bank and a rotten landing. "Now, who's for it? Go it, Jorrocks, +you're a fox-hunter," said one, who, erecting himself in his stirrups, +was ogling the opposite side. "I don't like it," said Jorrocks; "is +never a gate near?" "Oh yes, at the bottom of the field," and away they +all tore for it. The hounds now had got out of sight, but were heard +running in cover at the bottom of the turnip-field into which they had +just passed, and also the clattering of horses' hoofs on the highway. +The hounds came out several times on to the road, evidently carrying the +scent, but as often threw up and returned into the cover. The huntsman +was puzzled at last; and quite convinced that the deer was not in the +wood, he called them out, and proceeded to make a cast, followed by the +majority of the field. They trotted about at a brisk pace, first to the +right, then to the left, afterwards to the north, and then to the +south, over grass, fallow, turnips, potatoes, and flints, through three +farmyards, round two horse-ponds, and at the back of a small village or +hamlet, without a note, save those of a few babblers. Everyone seemed to +consider it a desperate job. They were all puzzled; at last they heard +a terrible holloaing about a quarter of a mile to the south, and +immediately after was espied a group of horsemen, galloping along the +road at full speed, in the centre of which was Jorrocks; his green coat +wide open, with the tails flying a long way behind that of his horse, +his right leg was thrust out, down the side of which he kept applying +his ponderous hunting whip, making a most terrible clatter. As they +approached, he singled himself out from the group, and was the first to +reach the field. He immediately burst out into one of his usual hunting +energetic strains. "Oh Jonathan Griffin! Jonathan Griffin!" said he, +"here's a lamentable occurrence--a terrible disaster! Oh dear, oh +dear--we shall never get to Tunbridge--that unfortunate deer has escaped +us, and we shall never see nothing more of him--rely upon it, he's +killed before this." "Why, how's that?" inquired Griffin, evidently in a +terrible perturbation. "Why," said Jorrocks, slapping the whip down his +leg again, "there's a little girl tells me, that as she was getting +water at the well just at the end of the wood, where we lost him, she +saw what she took to be a donkey jump into a return post-chaise from the +'Bell', at Seven Oaks, that was passing along the road with the door +swinging wide open! and you may rely upon it, it was the deer. The +landlord of the 'Bell' will have cut his throat before this, for, you +know, he vowed wengeance against us last year, because his wife's +pony-chaise was upset, and he swore that we did it." "Oh, but that's a +bad job", said the huntsman; "what shall we do?" "Here, Tom," calling to +the whipper-in, "jump on to the Hastings coach" (which just came up), +"and try if you can't overtake him, and bring him back, chaise and all, +and I'll follow slowly with the hounds." Tom was soon up, the coach +bowled on, and Jonathan and the hounds trotted gently forward till they +came to a public-house. Here, as they stopped lamenting over their +unhappy fate, and consoling themselves with some cold sherry negus, the +post-chaise appeared in sight, with the deer's head sticking out of the +side window with all the dignity of a Lord Mayor. "Huzza! huzza! huzza!" +exclaimed Jorrocks, taking off his hat, "here's old Tunbridge come back +again, huzza! huzza!" "But who's to pay me for the po-chay," said the +driver, pulling up; "I must be paid before I let him out." "How much?" +says Jonathan. "Why, eighteen-pence a mile, to be sure, and three-pence +a mile to the driver." "No," says Jorrocks, "that won't do, yours is a +return chay; however, here's five shillings for you, and now, Jonathan, +turn him out again--he's quite fresh after his ride--and see, he's got +some straw in the bottom." + +Old Tunbridge was again turned out, with his head towards the town from +whence he took his name, and after a quarter of an hour's law, the pack +was again laid on. He was not, however, in very good wind, and it was +necessary to divide the second chase into two heats, for which purpose +the hounds were whipped off about the middle, while the deer took a cold +bath, after which he was again set a-going. By half-past three they had +accomplished the run; and Mr. Pegg, of the "Sussex Arms," having mounted +his Pegasus, found them at the appointed place by the Medway, where old +Tunbridge's carriage was waiting, into which having handed him, they +repaired to the inn, and at five o'clock eighteen of them sat down to a +dinner consisting of every delicacy of the season, the Lord High Keeper +in the chair. Being all "hungry as hunters," little conversation passed +until after the removal of the cloth, when after the King and his +Majesty's Ministers had been drunk, the President gave "The noble, manly +sport of stag-hunting," which he eulogised as the most legitimate and +exhilarating of all sports, and sketched its progress from its wild +state of infancy when the unhappy sportsmen had to range the fields and +forests for their uncertain game, to the present state of luxurious ease +and elaborate refinement, when they not only brought their deer to the +meet, but by selecting the proper animal, could insure a finish at +the place they most wished to dine at--all of which was most +enthusiastically applauded; and on the speaker's ending, "Stag-hunting," +and the "Surrey staghounds," and "Long life to all stag-hunters," were +drank in brimming and overflowing bumpers. Fox-hunting, hare-hunting, +rabbit-hunting, cat-hunting, rat-catching, badger-baiting--all wild, +seasonable, and legitimate sports followed; and the chairman having +run through his list, and thinking Jorrocks was getting rather mellow, +resolved to try the soothing system on him for a subscription, the +badgering of the morning not having answered. Accordingly, he called +on the company to charge their glasses, as he would give them a bumper +toast, which he knew they would have great pleasure in drinking.--"He +wished to propose the health of his excellent friend on his right--MR. +JORROCKS (applause), a gentleman whose name only required mentioning in +any society of hunters to insure it a hearty and enthusiastic reception. +He did not flatter his excellent friend when he said he was a man for +the imitation of all, and he was sure that when the present company +recollected the liberal support he gave to the Surrey foxhounds, +together with the keenness with which he followed that branch of +amusement, they would duly appreciate, not only the honour he had +conferred upon them by his presence in the field that morning, and at +the table that day, but the disinterested generosity which had prompted +him voluntarily to declare his intention of contributing to the future +support of the Surrey staghounds (immense cheers). He therefore thought +the least they could do was to drink the health of Mr. Jorrocks, and +success to the Surrey foxhounds, with three times three," which was +immediately responded to with deafening cheers. + +Old Jorrocks, after the noise had subsided, got on his legs, and with +one hand rattling the five-shilling pieces in his breeches-pocket, and +the thumb of the other thrust into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, thus +began to address them.--"Gentlemen," said he, "I'm no orator, but I'm +an honest man--(hiccup)--I feels werry (hiccup) much obliged to my +excellent friend the Lord High Keeper (shouts of laughter), I begs his +pardon--my friend Mr. Juggins--for the werry flattering compliment he +has paid me in coupling my name (hiccup) with the Surrey fox'ounds--a +pack, I may say, without wanity (hiccup), second to none. I'm a werry +old member of the 'unt, and when I was a werry poor man (hiccup) I +always did my best to support them (hiccup), and now that I'm a werry +rich man (cheers) I shan't do no otherwise. About subscribing to the +staggers, I doesn't recollect saying nothing whatsomever about it +(hiccup), but as I'm werry friendly to sporting in all its +ramifications (hiccup), I'll be werry happy to give ten pounds to your +'ounds."--Immense cheers followed this declaration, which lasted for +some seconds. When they had subsided, Jorrocks put his finger on his +nose and, with a knowing wink of his eye, added: "Prowided my friend +the Lord High Keep--I begs his pardon--Juggins--will give ten pounds to +ours!" + + + +V. THE TURF: MR. JORROCKS AT NEWMARKET + +"A muffin--and the _Post_, sir," said George to the Yorkshireman,--on +one of the fine fresh mornings that gently usher in the returning +spring, and draw from the town-pent cits sighs for the verdure of +the fields,--as he placed the above mentioned articles on his usual +breakfast table in the coffee-room of the "Piazza." + +With the calm deliberation of a man whose whole day is unoccupied, the +Yorkshireman sweetened his tea, drew the muffin and a select dish of +prawns to his elbow, and turning sideways to the table, crossed his legs +and prepared to con the contents of the paper. The first page as usual +was full of advertisements.--Sales by auction--Favour of your vote +and interest--If the next of kin--Reform your tailor's bills--Law--- +Articled clerk--An absolute reversion--Pony phaeton--Artificial +teeth--Messrs. Tattersall--Brace of pointers--Dog lost--Boy found--Great +sacrifice--No advance in coffee--Matrimony--A single gentleman--Board +and lodging in an airy situation--To omnibus proprietors--Steam to Leith +and Hull--Stationery--Desirable investment for a small capital--The fire +reviver or lighter. + +Then turning it over, his eye ranged over a whole meadow of type, +consisting of the previous night's debate, followed on by City news, +Police reports, Fashionable arrivals and departures, Dinners given, +Sporting intelligence, Newmarket Craven meeting. "That's more in my +way," said the Yorkshireman to himself as he laid down the paper and +took a sip of his tea. "I've a great mind to go, for I may just as well +be at Newmarket as here, having nothing particular to do in either +place. I came to stay a hundred pounds in London it's true, but if I +stay ten of it at Newmarket, it'll be all the same, and I can go home +from there just as well as from here"; so saying, he took another turn +at the tea. The race list was a tempting one, Riddlesworth, Craven +Stakes, Column Stakes, Oatlands, Port, Claret, Sherry, Madeira, and all +other sorts. A good week's racing in fact, for the saintly sinners who +frequent the Heath had not then discovered any greater impropriety in +travelling on a Sunday, then in cheating each other on the Monday. The +tea was good, as were the prawns and eggs, and George brought a second +muffin, at the very moment that the Yorkshireman had finished the last +piece of the first, so that by the time he had done his breakfast and +drawn on his boots, which were dryer and pleasanter than the recent damp +weather had allowed of their being, he felt completely at peace with +himself and all the world, and putting on his hat, sallied forth with +the self-satisfied air of a man who had eat a good breakfast, and yet +not too much. + +Newmarket was still uppermost in his mind, and as he sauntered along +in the direction of the Strand, it occurred to him that perhaps Mr. +Jorrocks might have no objection to accompany him. On entering that +great thoroughfare of humanity, he turned to the east, and having +examined the contents of all the caricature shops in the line, and paid +threepence for a look at the _York Herald_, in the Chapter Coffee-house, +St. Paul's Churchyard, about noon he reached the corner of St. Botolph +Lane. Before Jorrocks & Co.'s warehouse, great bustle and symptoms +of brisk trade were visible. With true city pride, the name on the +door-post was in small dirty-white letters, sufficiently obscure to +render it apparent that Mr. Jorrocks considered his house required no +sign; while, as a sort of contradiction, the covered errand-cart before +it, bore "JORROCKS & Co.'s WHOLESALE TEA WAREHOUSE," in great gilt +letters on each side of the cover, so large that "he who runs might +read," even though the errand-cart were running too. Into this cart, +which was drawn by the celebrated rat-tail hunter, they were pitching +divers packages for town delivery, and a couple of light porters nearly +upset the Yorkshireman, as they bustled out with their loads. The +warehouse itself gave evident proof of great antiquity. It was not +one of your fine, light, lofty, mahogany-countered, banker-like +establishments of modern times, where the stock-in-trade often consists +of books and empty canisters, but a large, roomy, gloomy, dirty, +dingy sort of cellar above ground, full of hogsheads, casks, flasks, +sugar-loaves, jars, bags, bottles, and boxes. + +The floor was half an inch thick, at least, with dirt, and was sprinkled +with rice, currants, and raisins, as though they had been scattered for +the purpose of growing. A small corner seemed to have been cut off, like +the fold of a Leicestershire grazing-ground, and made into an office in +the centre of which was a square or two of glass that commanded a view +of the whole warehouse. "Is Mr. Jorrocks in?" inquired the Yorkshireman +of a porter, who was busy digging currants with a wooden spade. "Yes, +sir, you'll find him in the counting-house," was the answer; but on +looking in, though his hat and gloves were there, no Jorrocks was +visible. At the farther end of the warehouse a man in his shirt-sleeves, +with a white apron round his waist and a brown paper cap on his head, +was seen under a very melancholy-looking skylight, holding his head over +something, as if his nose were bleeding. The Yorkshireman groped his way +up to him, and asking if Mr. Jorrocks was in, found he was addressing +the grocer himself. He had been leaning over a large trayful of little +white cups--with teapots to match--trying the strength, flavour, and +virtue of a large purchase of tea, and the beverage was all smoking +before him. "My vig," exclaimed he, holding out his hand, "who'd have +thought of seeing you in the city, this is something unkimmon! However, +you're werry welcome in St. Botolph Lane, and as this is your +first wisit, why, I'll make you a present of some tea--wot do you +drink?--black or green, or perhaps both--four pounds of one and two of +t'other. Here, Joe!" summoning his foreman, "put up four pounds of that +last lot of black that came in, and two pounds of superior green, and +this gentleman will tell you where to leave it.--And when do you think +of starting?" again addressing the Yorkshireman--"egad this is fine +weather for the country--have half a mind to have a jaunt myself--makes +one quite young--feel as if I'd laid full fifty years aside, and were +again a boy--when did you say you start?" "Why, I don't know exactly," +replied the Yorkshireman, "the weather's so fine that I'm half tempted +to go round by Newmarket." "Newmarket!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing +his arm in the air, while his paper cap fell from his head with the +jerk--"by Newmarket! why, what in the name of all that's impure, have +you to do at Newmarket?" + +"Why, nothing in particular; only, when there's neither hunting nor +shooting going on, what is a man to do with himself?--I'm sure you'd +despise me if I were to go fishing." "True," observed Mr. Jorrocks +somewhat subdued, and jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. +"Fox-'unting is indeed the prince of sports. The image of war, without +its guilt, and only half its danger. I confess that I'm a martyr to +it--a perfect wictim--no one knows wot I suffer from my ardour.--If ever +I'm wisited with the last infirmity of noble minds, it will be caused by +my ingovernable passion for the chase. The sight of a saddle makes me +sweat. An 'ound makes me perfectly wild. A red coat throws me into a +scarlet fever. Never throughout life have I had a good night's rest +before an 'unting morning. But werry little racing does for me; Sadler's +Wells is well enough of a fine summer evening--especially when they +plump the clown over head in the New River cut, and the ponies don't +misbehave in the Circus,--but oh! Newmarket's a dreadful place, the +werry name's a sickener. I used to hear a vast about it from poor Will +Softly of Friday Street. It was the ruin of him--and wot a fine business +his father left him, both wholesale and retail, in the tripe and +cow-heel line--all went in two years, and he had nothing to show at the +end of that time for upwards of twenty thousand golden sovereigns, but a +hundredweight of children's lamb's-wool socks, and warrants for thirteen +hogsheads of damaged sherry in the docks. No, take my adwice, and have +nothing to say to them--stay where you are, or, if you're short of swag, +come to Great Coram Street, where you shall have a bed, wear-and-tear +for your teeth, and all that sort of thing found you, and, if Saturday's +a fine day, I'll treat you with a jaunt to Margate." + +"You are a regular old trump," said the Yorkshireman, after listening +attentively until Mr. Jorrocks had exhausted himself, "but, you see, +you've never been at Newmarket, and the people have been hoaxing you +about it. I can assure you from personal experience that the people +there are quite as honest as those you meet every day on 'Change, +besides which, there is nothing more invigorating to the human +frame--nothing more cheering to the spirits, than the sight and air of +Newmarket Heath on a fine fresh spring morning like the present. The +wind seems to go by you at a racing pace, and the blood canters up and +down the veins with the finest and freest action imaginable. A stranger +to the race-course would feel, and almost instinctively know, what turf +he was treading, and the purpose for which that turf was intended". + + "There's a magic in the web of it." + +"Oh, I knows you are a most persuasive cock," observed Mr. Jorrocks +interrupting the Yorkshireman, "and would conwince the devil himself +that black is white, but you'll never make me believe the Newmarket +folks are honest, and as to the fine hair (air) you talk of, there's +quite as good to get on Hampstead Heath, and if it doesn't make the +blood canter up and down your weins, you can always amuse yourself +by watching the donkeys cantering up and down with the sweet little +children--haw! haw! haw!--But tell me what is there at Newmarket that +should take a man there?" "What is there?" rejoined the Yorkshireman, +"why, there's everything that makes life desirable and constitutes +happiness, in this world, except hunting. First there is the beautiful, +neat, clean town, with groups of booted professors, ready for the +rapidest march of intellect; then there are the strings of clothed +horses--the finest in the world--passing indolently at intervals to +their exercise,--the flower of the English aristocracy residing in the +place. You leave the town and stroll to the wide open heath, where all +is brightness and space; the white rails stand forth against the dear +blue sky--the brushing gallop ever and anon startles the ear and eye; +crowds of stable urchins, full of silent importance, stud the heath; you +feel elated and long to bound over the well groomed turf and to try the +speed of the careering wind. All things at Newmarket train the mind to +racing. Life seems on the start, and dull indeed were he who could rein +in his feelings when such inspiring objects meet together to madden +them!" + +"Bravo!" exclaimed Jorrocks, throwing his paper cap in the air as the +Yorkshireman concluded.--"Bravo!--werry good indeed! You speak like ten +Lord Mayors--never heard nothing better. Dash my vig, if I won't go. By +Jove, you've done it. Tell me one thing--is there a good place to feed +at?" + +"Capital!" replied the Yorkshireman, "beef, mutton, cheese, ham, all +the delicacies of the season, as the sailor said"; and thereupon the +Yorkshireman and Jorrocks shook hands upon the bargain. + +Sunday night arrived, and with it arrived, at the "Belle Sauvage," +in Ludgate Hill, Mr. Jorrocks's boy "Binjimin," with Mr. Jorrocks's +carpet-bag; and shortly after Mr. Jorrocks, on his chestnut hunter, and +the Yorkshireman, in a hack cab, entered the yard. Having consigned his +horse to Binjimin; after giving him a very instructive lesson relative +to the manner in which he would chastise him if he heard of his trotting +or playing any tricks with the horse on his way home, Mr. Jorrocks +proceeded to pay the remainder of his fare in the coach office. The mail +was full inside and out, indeed the book-keeper assured him he could +have filled a dozen more, so anxious ware all London to see the +Riddlesworth run. "Inside," said he, "are you and your friend, and if it +wern't that the night air might give you cold, Mr. Jorrocks" (for all +the book-keepers in London know him), "I should have liked to have got +you outsides, and I tried to make an exchange with two black-legs, but +they would hear of nothing less than two guineas a head, which wouldn't +do, you know. Here comes another of your passengers--a great foreign +nobleman, they say--Baron something--though he looks as much like a +foreign pickpocket as anything else." + +"Vich be de voiture?" inquired a tall, gaunt-looking foreigner, with +immense moustache, a high conical hat with a bright buckle, long, loose, +blueish-blackish frock-coat, very short white waistcoat, baggy brownish +striped trousers, and long-footed Wellington boots, with a sort of +Chinese turn up at the toe. "Vich be de Newmarket Voiture?" said he, +repeating the query, as he entered the office and deposited a silk +umbrella, a camlet cloak, and a Swiss knapsack on the counter. The +porter, without any attempt at an answer, took his goods and walked off +to the mail, followed closely by the Baron, and after depositing the +cloak inside, so that the Baron might ride with his "face to the +horses," as the saying is, he turned the knapsack into the hind boot, +and swung himself into the office till it was time to ask for something +for his exertions. Meanwhile the Baron made a tour of the yard, taking +a lesson in English from the lettering on the various coaches, when, +on the hind boot of one, he deciphered the word Cheapside.--"Ah, +Cheapside!" said he, pulling out his dictionary and turning to the +letter C. "Chaste, chat, chaw,--cheap, dat be it. Cheap,--to be had at +a low price--small value. Ah! I hev (have) it," said he, stamping and +knitting his brows, "sacre-e-e-e-e nom de Dieu," and the first word +being drawn out to its usual longitude, three strides brought him and +the conclusion of the oath into the office together. He then opened out +upon the book-keeper, in a tremendous volley of French, English and +Hanoverian oaths, for he was a cross between the first and last named +countries, the purport of which was "dat he had paid de best price, +and he be dem if he vod ride on de Cheapside of de coach." In vain +the clerks and book-keepers tried to convince him he was wrong in his +interpretation. With the full conviction of a foreigner that he was +about to be cheated, he had his cloak shifted to the opposite side of +the coach, and the knapsack placed on the roof. The fourth inside having +cast up, the outside passengers mounted, the insides took their places, +three-pences and sixpences were pulled out for the porters, the guard +twanged his horn, the coachman turned out his elbow, flourished his +whip, caught the point, cried "All right! sit tight!" and trotted out of +the yard. + +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat opposite each other, the Baron and old +Sam Spring, the betting man, did likewise. Who doesn't know old Sam, +with his curious tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles, his old drab hat +turned up with green, careless neckcloth, flowing robe, and comical cut? +He knew Jorrocks--though--tell it not in Coram Street, he didn't know +his name; but concluded from the disparity of age between him and his +companion, that Jorrocks was either a shark or a shark's jackal, and +the Yorkshireman a victim. With due professional delicacy, he contented +himself with scrutinising the latter through his specs. The Baron's +choler having subsided, he was the first to break the ice of silence. +"Foine noight," was the observation, which was thrown out promiscuously +to see who would take it up. Now Sam Spring, though he came late, had +learned from the porter that there was a Baron in the coach, and being a +great admirer of the nobility, for whose use he has a code of signals +of his own, consisting of one finger to his hat for a Baron Lord as he +calls them, two for a Viscount, three for an Earl, four for a Marquis, +and the whole hand for a Duke, he immediately responded with "Yes, my +lord," with a fore-finger to his hat. There is something sweet in the +word "Lord" which finds its way home to the heart of an Englishman. +No sooner did Sam pronounce it, than the Baron became transformed in +Jorrocks's eyes into a very superior sort of person, and forthwith he +commences ingratiating himself by offering him a share of a large paper +of sandwiches, which the Baron accepted with the greatest condescension, +eating what he could and stuffing the remainder into his hat. His +lordship was a better hand at eating than speaking, and the united +efforts of the party could not extract from him the precise purport of +his journey. Sam threw out two or three feasible offers in the way of +bets, but they fell still-born to the bottom of the coach, and Jorrocks +talked to him about hunting and had the conversation all to himself, +the Baron merely replying with a bow and a stare, sometimes diversified +with, or "I tank you--vare good." The conversation by degrees resolved +itself into a snore, in which they were all indulging, when the raw +morning air rushed in among them, as a porter with a lanthorn opened the +door and announced their arrival at Newmarket. Forthwith they turned +into the street, and the outside passengers having descended, they all +commenced straddling, yawning, and stretching their limbs while the +guard and porters sorted their luggage. The Yorkshireman having an eye +to a bed, speedily had Mr. Jorrocks's luggage and his own on the back +of a porter on its way to the "Rutland Arms," while that worthy citizen +followed in a sort of sleepy astonishment at the smallness of the place, +inquiring if they were sure they had not stopped at some village by +mistake. Two beds had been ordered for two gentlemen who could not get +two seats by the mail, which fell to the lot of those who did, and into +these our heroes trundled, having arranged to be called by the early +exercising hour. + +Whether it was from want of his usual night-cap of brandy and water, or +the fatigues of travelling, or what else, remains unknown, but no sooner +was Mr. Jorrocks left alone with his candle, than all at once he was +seized with a sudden fit of trepidation, on thinking that he should have +been inveigled to such a place as Newmarket, and the tremor increasing +as he pulled four five-pound bank-notes out of his watch-pocket, besides +a vast of silver and his great gold watch, he was resolved, should an +attempt be made upon his property, to defend it with his life, and +having squeezed the notes into the toe of his boots, and hid the silver +in the wash-hand stand, he very deliberately put his watch and the poker +under the pillow, and set the heavy chest of drawers with two stout +chairs and a table against the door, after all which exertions he got +into bed and very soon fell sound asleep. + +Most of the inmates of the house were up with the lark to the early +exercises, and the Yorkshireman was as early as any of them. Having +found Mr. Jorrocks's door, he commenced a loud battery against it +without awaking the grocer; he then tried to open it, but only succeeded +in getting it an inch or two from the post, and after several holloas of +"Jorrocks, my man! Mr. Jorrocks! Jorrocks, old boy! holloa, Jorrocks!" +he succeeded in extracting the word "Wot?" from the worthy gentleman as +he rolled over in his bed. "Jorrocks!" repeated the Yorkshireman, "it's +time to be up." "Wot?" again was the answer. "Time to get up. The +morning's breaking." "Let it break," replied he, adding in a mutter, as +he turned over again, "it owes me nothing." + +Entreaties being useless, and a large party being on the point of +setting off, the Yorkshireman joined them, and spent a couple of hours +on the dew-bespangled heath, during which time they not only criticised +the figure and action of every horse that was out, but got up tremendous +appetites for breakfast. In the meantime Mr. Jorrocks had risen, and +having attired himself with his usual care, in a smart blue coat with +metal buttons, buff waistcoat, blue stocking-netted tights, and Hessian +boots, he turned into the main street of Newmarket, where he was lost in +astonishment at the insignificance of the place. But wiser men than +Mr. Jorrocks have been similarly disappointed, for it enters into +the philosophy of few to conceive the fame and grandeur of Newmarket +compressed into the limits of the petty, outlandish, Icelandish place +that bears the name. "Dash my vig," said Mr. Jorrocks, as he brought +himself to bear upon Rogers's shop-window, "this is the werry +meanest town I ever did see. Pray, sir," addressing himself to a +groomish-looking man in a brown cut-away coat, drab shorts and +continuations, who had just emerged from the shop with a race list in +his hand, "Pray, sir, be this your principal street?" The man eyed him +with a mixed look of incredulity and contempt. At length, putting his +thumbs into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, he replied, "I bet a crown +you know as well as I do." "Done," said Mr. Jorrocks holding out his +hand. "No--I won't do that," replied the man, "but I'll tell you what +I'll do with you,--I'll lay you two to one, in fives or fifties if you +like, that you knew before you axed, and that Thunderbolt don't win the +Riddlesworth." "Really," said Mr. Jorrocks, "I'm not a betting man." +"Then, wot the 'ell business have you at Newmarket?" was all the answer +he got. Disgusted with such inhospitable impertinence, Mr. Jorrocks +turned on his heel and walked away. Before the "White Hart" Inn was a +smartish pony phaeton, in charge of a stunted stable lad. "I say, young +chap," inquired Jorrocks, "whose is that?" "How did you know that I +was a young chap?" inquired the abortion turning round. "Guessed it," +replied Jorrocks, chuckling at his own wit. "Then guess whose it is." + +"Pray, are your clocks here by London time?" he asked of a respectable +elderly-looking man whom he saw turn out of the entry leading to the +Kingston rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and then +down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his breeches-pockets, there +to stand to see the "world." [17] "Come now, old 'un--none o' your tricks +here--you've got a match on against time, I suppose," was all the answer +he could get after the man (old R--n the ex-flagellator) had surveyed +him from head to foot. + +[Footnote 17: Newmarket or London--it's all the same--"The world" is but +composed of one's own acquaintance.] + +We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when Mr. Jorrocks met +the Yorkshireman, he was not in the best possible humour; indeed, to say +nothing of the extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we know of +no place where a man, not fond of racing, is so completely out of his +element as at Newmarket, for with the exception of a little "elbow +shaking" in the evening, there is literally and truly nothing else +to do. It is "Heath," "Ditch in," "Abingdon mile," "T.Y.C. Stakes," +"Sweepstakes," "Handicaps," "Bet," "Lay," "Take," "Odds," "Evens," +morning, noon and night. + +Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the breakfast, and some +invidious comparisons between racing men and fox-hunters, which, +however, became softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the +delicacy of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at length appeased, he +again thought of turning out, to have a look, as he said, at the shows +on the course, but the appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the +window, put it out of his head, and he sallied forth to join him. The +Baron was evidently incog.: for he had on the same short dirty-white +waistcoat, Chinese boots, and conical hat, that he travelled down in, +and being a stranger in the land, of course he was uncommonly glad to +pick up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged him a little, called him a "bon +garcon," and a few other endearing terms, he run his great long arm +through his, and walked him down street, the whole peregrinations of +Newmarket being comprised in the words "up street" and "down." He then +communicated in most unrepresentable language, that he was on his way +to buy "an 'oss," and Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect +connoisseur in the article, the Baron again assured him of his +distinguished consideration. They were met by Joe Rogers the trainer +with a ring-key in his hand, who led the way to the stable, and having +unlocked a box in which was a fine slapping four-year old, according to +etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in one hand, laid +hold of the horse's head with the other, while the lad in attendance +stripped off its clothes. The Baron then turned up his wrists, and +making a curious noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand down +each leg, and along its back, after which he gave it a thump in the +belly and squeezed its throat, when, being as wise as he was at +starting, he stuck his thumb in his side, and took a mental survey of +the whole.--"Ah," said he at length--"foin 'oss,--foin 'oss; vot ears he +has?" "Oh," said Rogers, "they show breeding." "Non, non, I say vot ears +he has?" "Well, but he carries them well," was the answer. "Non, non," +stamping, "I say vot ears (years) he has?" "Oh, hang it, I twig--four +years old." Then the Baron took another long look at him. At length he +resumed, "I vill my wet." "What's that?" inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. +"His wet--why, a drink to be sure," and thereupon Rogers went to the +pump and brought a glass of pure water, which the Baron refused with +becoming indignation. "Non, non," said he stamping, "I vill my wet." +Rogers looked at Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at Rogers, but neither +Rogers nor Jorrocks understood him. "I vill my wet," repeated the Baron +with vehemence. "He must want some brandy in it," observed Mr. Jorrocks, +judging of the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent for +three-penn'orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed it out of his hand +with a prolonged sacre-e-e-e--! adding "I vill von wet-tin-nin-na-ary +surgeon." The boy was dispatched for one, and on his arrival the +veterinary surgeon went through the process that the Baron had +attempted, and not being a man of many words, he just gave the Baron a +nod at the end. "How moch?" inquked the Baron of Rogers. "Five hundred," +was the answer. "Vot, five hundred livre?" "Oh d----n it, you may take +or leave him, just as you like, but you won't get him for less." The +"vet" explained that the Baron wished to know whether it was five +hundred francs (French ten-pences), or five hundred guineas English +money, and being informed that it was the latter, he gave his conical +hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted out of the box. + +But race hour approaches, and people begin to assemble in groups before +the "rooms," while tax-carts, pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual +aristocratical accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at intervals +into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a spring-cart, driven by a +ploughboy in fustian, there the Earl of---- on a ten-pound pony, with +the girths elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over its +head, while Miss----, his jockey's daughter, dashes by him in a phaeton +with a powdered footman, and the postilion in scarlet and leathers, with +a badge on his arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem Bland draws +the yellow phaeton and greys to the gateway of the "White Hart," to take +up his friend Crutch Robinson; Zac, Jack and another, have just driven +on in a fly. In short, it's a brilliant meeting! Besides four coronetted +carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons-and-pair; a +thing that would have been a phaeton if they'd have let it; General +Grosvenor's dog-carriage, that is to say, his carriage with a dog upon +it; Lady Chesterfield and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phaeton with an +out-rider (Miss---- will have one next meeting instead of the +powdered footman); Tattersall in his double carriage driving without +bearing-reins; Old Theobald in leather breeches and a buggy; five Bury +butchers in a tax-cart; Young Dutch Sam on a pony; "Short-odds Richards" +on a long-backed crocodile-looking rosinante; and no end of pedestrians. + +But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why eating brawn in the +"Rutland Arms" with his friend the Baron, perfectly unconscious that +all these passers-by were not the daily visables of the place. "Dash +my vig," said he, as he bolted another half of the round, "I see no +symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the honour to take another +glass of sherry." His lordship was nothing loath, so by mutual +entreaties they finished the bottle, besides a considerable quantity +of porter. A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk punch cart +mare--fresh from the plough--having been considerately provided by the +Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, with a cob for himself, they proceeded +to mount in the yard, when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that the +Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, seemed disconcerted, +but it was only momentary; for walking up to the punch mare, and resting +his elbow on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly +vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though proud of the +patronage of a lord, did not exactly comprehend whether he was in +earnest or not, but the Baron soon let him know; for thrusting his +conical hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks's waist, and +gave the old mare a touch in the flank with the Chinese boot, crying +out--"Along me, brave _garcon_, along _ma cher_," and the owner of the +mare living at Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that direction, +while the Yorkshireman slipped down the town unperceived. The sherry had +done its business on them both; the Baron, and who, perhaps was the most +"cut" of the two, chaunted the _Marsellaise_ hymn of liberty with +as much freedom as though he were sitting in the saddle. Thus they +proceeded laughing and singing until the Bury pay-gate arrested their +progress, when it occurred to the steersman to ask if they were going +right. "Be this the vay to Newmarket races?" inquired Jorrocks of the +pike-keeper. The man dived into the small pocket of his white apron for +a ticket and very coolly replied, "Shell out, old 'un." "How much?" said +Jorrocks. "Tuppence," which having got, he said, "Now, then, you may +turn, for the heath be over yonder," pointing back, "at least it was +there this morning, I know." After a volley of abuse for his impudence, +Mr. Jorrocks, with some difficulty got the old mare pulled round, for +she had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a plain snaffle in it; +at last, however, with the aid of a boy to beat her with a furze-bush, +they got her set a-going again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted +"down street," rose the hill, and entered the spacious wide-extending +flat of Newmarket Heath. The races were going forward on one of the +distant courses, and a slight, insignificant, black streak, swelling +into a sort of oblong (for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), +was all that denoted the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect of +the quiet extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified, having through life +pictured Epsom as a mere drop in the ocean compared with the countless +multitude of Newmarket, while the Baron, who was wholly indifferent to +the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks pitched over the mare's head by +applying the furze-bush (which he had got from the boy) to her tail +while Mr. Jorrocks was sitting loosely, contemplating the barrenness +of the prospect. The sherry was still alive, and being all for fun, he +shuffled back into the saddle as soon as the old mare gave over kicking; +and giving a loud tally-ho, with some minor "hunting noises," which were +responded to by the Baron in notes not capable of being set to music, +and aided by an equally indescribable accompaniment from the old mare at +every application of the bush, she went off at score over the springy +turf, and bore them triumphantly to the betting-post just as the ring +was in course of formation, a fact which she announced by a loud neigh +on viewing her companion of the plough, as well as by unpsetting some +half-dozen black-legs as she rushed through the crowd to greet her. +Great was the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing,--for though the +Newmarketites are familiar with most conveyances, from a pair of horses +down to a pair of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see two +men ride into the ring on the same horse,--certainly not with such a hat +between them as the Baron's. + +The gravest and weightiest matters will not long distract the attention +of a black-leg, and the laughter having subsided without Jorrocks or the +Baron being in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again +formed; horses' heads again turn towards the post, while carriages, +gigs, and carts form an outer circle. A solemn silence ensues. The legs +are scanning the list. At length one gives tongue. "What starts? Does +Lord Eldon start?" "No, he don't," replies the owner. "Does Trick, by +Catton?" "Yes, and Conolly rides--but mind, three pounds over." "Does +John Bull?" "No John's struck out." "Polly Hopkins does, so does +Talleyrand, also O, Fy! out of Penitence; Beagle and Paradox also--and +perhaps Pickpocket." + +Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the betting-books. The +legs and lords look at each other, but no one likes to lead off. At +length a voice is heard offering to take nine to one he names the +winner. "It's short odds, doing it cautiously. I'll take eight then," he +adds--"sivin!" but no one bites. "What will anyone lay about Trick, by +Catton?" inquires Jem Bland. "I'll lay three to two again him. I'll +take two to one--two ponies to one, and give you a suv. for laying it." +"Carn't" is the answer. "I'll do it, Jem," cries a voice. "No, you +won't," from Bland, not liking his customer. Now they are all at it, and +what a hubbub there is! "I'll back the field--I'll lay--I'll take--I'll +bet--ponies--fifties--hundreds--five hundred to two." "What do you +want, my lord?" "Three to one against Trick, by Catton." "Carn't afford +it--the odds really arn't that in the ring." "Take two--two hundred to +one." "No." "Crockford, you'll do it for me?" "Yes, my lord. Twice over +if you like. Done, done." "Do it again?" "No, thank you." + +"Trick, by Catton, don't start!" cries a voice. "Impossible!" exclaim +his backers. "Quite true, I'm just from the weighing-house, and----told +me so himself." "Shame! shame!" roar those who have backed him, and +"honour--rascals--rogues--thieves--robbery--swindle--turf-ruined"--fly +from tongue to tongue, but they are all speakers with never a speaker to +cry order. Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on their hacks with +the horses' cloths to the rubbing-house, and the horses have actually +started, and are now visible in the distance sweeping over the open +heath, apparently without guide or beacon. + +The majority of the ring rush to the white judge's box, and have just +time to range themselves along the rude stakes and ropes that guard the +run in, and the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony +to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable-lads to "clear the +course," before the horses come flying towards home. Now all is tremor; +hope and fear vacillating in each breast. Silence stands breathless with +expectation--all eyes are riveted--the horses come within descrying +distance--"beautiful!" three close together, two behind. "Clear the +course! clear the course! pray clear the course!" "Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" roar a hundred voices as they near. "O, Fy! O, Fy!" respond an +equal number. "The horse! the horse!" bellow a hundred more, as though +their yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy! and Talleyrand +rush neck-and-neck along the cords and pass the judge's box. A cry of +"dead heat!" is heard. The bystanders see as suits their books, and +immediately rush to the judge's box, betting, bellowing, roaring, +and yelling the whole way. "What's won? what's won? what's won?" is +vociferated from a hundred voices. "Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins! Polly +Hopkins!" replies Mr. Clark with judicial dignity. "By how much? by how +much?" "Half a head--half a head," [18] replies the same functionary. +"What's second?" "O, Fy!" and so, amid the song of "Pretty, pretty Polly +Hopkins," from the winners, and curses and execrations long, loud, and +deep, from the losers, the scene closes. + +The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-house, while the losing +horses are left in the care of their trainers and stable-boys, who +console themselves with hopes of "better luck next time." + +After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding is the wheeling of +the judge's box, and removal of the old stakes and ropes to another +course on a different part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few +ragged rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture they bear. In less +than half an hour the same group of anxious careworn countenances are +again turned upon each other at the betting-post, as though they had +never separated. But see! the noble owner of Trick, by Catton, is in the +crowd, and Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. "I say, Waggey," cries he +(singling out a friend stationed by his lordship), "had you ought on +Trick, by Catton?" "No, Jem," roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, "I knew +my man too well." "Why now, Waggey, do you know I wouldn't have done +such a thing for the world! no, not even to have been made a Markiss!" +a horse-laugh follows this denunciation, at which the newly created +marquis bites his livid lips. + +[Footnote 18: No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head; but we let +the whole passage stand as originally written.--EDITOR.] + +The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, still sticks to the +punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks steers to the newly formed ring aided by +the Baron and the furze-bush. Here they come upon Sam Spring, whose boy +has just brought his spring-cart to bear upon the ring formed by the +horsemen, and thinking it a pity a nobleman of any county should be +reduced to the necessity of riding double, very politely offers to +take one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and forthwith +proceeds to make himself quite at home in it. The chorus again +commences, and Jorrocks interrogates Sam as to the names of the +brawlers. "Who be that?" said he, "offering to bet a thousand to a +hundred." Spring, after eyeing him through his spectacles, with a +grin and a look of suspicion replies, "Come now--come--let's have no +nonsense--you know as well as I." "Really," replies Mr. Jorrocks most +earnestly, "I don't." "Why, where have you lived all your life?" +"First part of it with my grandmother at Lisson Grove, afterwards at +Camberwell, but now I resides in Great Coram Street, Russell Square--a +werry fashionable neighbourhood." "Oh, I see," replies Sam, "you are one +of the reg'lar city coves, then--now, what brings you here?" "Just to +say that I have been at Newmarket, for I'm blowed if ever you catch +me here again." "That's a pity," replied Sam, "for you look like a +promising man--a handsome-bodied chap in the face--don't you sport any?" +"O a vast!--'unt regularly--I'm a member of the Surrey 'unt--capital one +it is too--best in England by far." "What do you hunt?" inquired Sam. +"Foxes, to be sure." "And are they good eating?" "Come," replied +Jorrocks, "you know, as well as I do, we don't eat 'em." The dialogue +was interrupted by someone calling to Sam to know what he was backing. + +"The Bedlamite colt, my lord," with a forefinger to his hat. "Who's +that?" inquired Jorrocks. "That's my Lord L----, a baron-lord--and a +very nice one--best baron-lord I know--always bets with me--that's +another baron-lord next him, and the man next him is a baron-knight, a +stage below a baron-lord--something between a nobleman and a gentleman." +"And who be that stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and velvet +collar next him, just rubbing his chin with the race card--he'll be a +lord too, I suppose?" "No,--that's Mr. Gully, as honest a man as ever +came here,--that's Crockford before him. The man on the right is +Mr. C----, who they call the 'cracksman,' because formerly he was a +professional housebreaker, but he has given up that trade, and turned +gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. This little ugly black-faced +chap, that looks for all the world like a bilious Scotch terrier, +has lately come among us. He was a tramping pedlar--sold worsted +stockings--attended country courses, and occasionally bet a pair. Now he +bets thousands of pounds, and keeps racehorses. The chaps about him +all covered with chains and rings and brooches, were in the duffing +line--sold brimstoned sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls for real +Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. Now each has a first-rate +house, horses and carriages, and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, +with the extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cambridge. He'll +bet you a thousand pounds as soon as look at you." + +"The chap on the right of the post with the red tie, is the son of an +ostler. He commenced betting thousands with a farthing capital. The man +next him, all teeth and hair, like a rat-catcher's dog, is an Honourable +by birth, but not very honourable in his nature." "But see," cried Mr. +Jorrocks, "Lord---- is talking to the Cracksman." "To be sure," replies +Sam, "that's the beauty of the turf. The lord and the leg are reduced to +an equality. Take my word for it, if you have a turn for good society, +you should come upon the turf.--I say, my Lord Duke!" with all five +fingers up to his hat, "I'll lay you three to two on the Bedlamite +colt." "Done, Mr. Spring," replies his Grace, "three ponies to two." +"There!" cried Mr. Spring, turning to Jorrocks, "didn't I tell you so?" +The riot around the post increases. It is near the moment of starting, +and the legs again become clamorous for what they want. Their vehemence +increases. Each man is _in extremis_. "They are off!" cries one. "No, +they are not," replies another. "False start," roars a third. "Now they +come!" "No, they don't!" "Back again." They are off at last, however, +and away they speed over the flat. The horses come within descrying +distance. It's a beautiful race--run at score the whole way, and only +two tailed off within the cords. Now they set to--whips and spurs go, +legs leap, lords shout, and amid the same scene of confusion, betting, +galloping, cursing, swearing, and bellowing, the horses rush past the +judge's box. + +But we have run our race, and will not fatigue our readers with +repetition. Let us, however, spend the evening, and then the "Day at +Newmarket" will be done. + +Mr. Spring, with his usual attention to strangers, persuades Mr. +Jorrocks to make one of a most agreeable dinner-party at the "White +Hart" on the assurance of spending a delightful evening. Covers are laid +for sixteen in the front room downstairs, and about six o'clock that +number are ready to sit down. Mr. Badchild, the accomplished keeper of +an oyster-room and minor hell in Pickering Place, is prevailed upon to +take the chair, supported on his right by Mr. Jorrocks, and on his left +by Mr. Tom Rhodes, of Thames Street, while the stout, jolly, portly +Jerry Hawthorn fills--in the fullest sense of the word--the vice-chair. +Just as the waiters are removing the covers, in stalks the Baron, in his +conical hat, and reconnoitres the viands. Sam, all politeness, invites +him to join the party. "I tank you," replies the Baron, "but I have my +wet in de next room." "But bring your wet with you," rejoins Sam, "we'll +all have our wet together after dinner," thinking the Baron meant his +wine. + +The usual inn grace--"For what we are going to receive, the host expects +to be paid",--having been said with great feeling and earnestness, they +all set to at the victuals, and little conversation passed until the +removal of the cloth, when Mr. Badchild, calling upon his vice, observed +that as in all probability there were gentlemen of different political +and other opinions present, perhaps the best way would be to give a +comprehensive toast, and so get over any debatable ground,--he therefore +proposed to drink in a bumper "The king, the queen, and all the royal +family, the ministry, particularly the Master of the Horse, the Army, +the Navy, the Church, the State, and after the excellent dinner they +had eaten, he would include the name of the landlord of the White Hart" +(great applause). Song from Jerry Hawthorn--"The King of the Cannibal +Islands".--The chairman then called upon the company to fill their +glasses to a toast upon which there could be no difference of opinion. +"It was a sport which they all enjoyed, one that was delightful to the +old and to the young, to the peer and to the peasant, and open to all. +Whatever might be the merits of other amusements, he had never yet met +any man with the hardihood to deny that racing was at once the noblest +and the most legitimate" (loud cheers, and thumps on the table, that +set all the glasses dancing), "not only was it the noblest and most +legitimate, but it was the most profitable; and where was the man of +high and honourable principle who did not feel when breathing the pure +atmosphere of that Heath, a lofty self-satisfaction at the thought, that +though he might have left those who were near and dear to him in a less +genial atmosphere, still he was not selfishly enjoying himself, without +a thought for their welfare; for racing, while it brought health and +vigour to the father, also brought what was dearer to the mind of a +parent--the means of promoting the happiness and prosperity of his +family--(immense cheers). With these few observations he should simply +propose 'The Turf,' and may we long be above it"--(applause and, on the +motion of Mr. Spring, three cheers for Mrs. Badchild and all the little +Badchildren were called for and given). When the noise had subsided. Mr. +Jorrocks very deliberately got up, amid whispers and inquiries as to who +he was. "Gentlemen," said he, with an indignant stare, and a thump on +the table, "Gentlemen, I say, in much of what has fallen from our worthy +chairman, I go-in-sides, save in what he says about racing--I insists +that 'unting is the sport of sports" (immense laughter, and cries of +"wot an old fool!") "Gentlemen may laugh, but I say it's a fact, and +though I doesn't wish to create no displeasancy whatsomever, yet I +should despise myself most confoundedly--should consider myself unworthy +of the great and distinguished 'unt to which I have the honour to +belong, if I sat quietly down without sticking up for the chase +(laughter).--I say, it's one of the balances of the constitution +(laughter).--I say, it's the sport of kings! the image of war without +its guilt (hisses and immense laughter). He would fearlessly propose a +bumper toast--he would give them 'fox-hunting.'" There was some demur +about drinking it, but on the interposition of Sam Spring, who assured +the company that Jorrocks was one of the right sort, and with an +addition proposed by Jerry Hawthorn, which made the toast more +comprehensible, they swallowed it, and the chairman followed it up +with "The Sod",--which was drunk with great applause. Mr. Cox of Blue +Hammerton returned thanks. "He considered cock-fighting the finest of +all fine amusements. Nothing could equal the rush between two prime +grey-hackles--that was his colour. The chairman had said a vast for +racing, and to cut the matter short, he might observe that cock-fighting +combined all the advantages of making money, with the additional benefit +of not being interfered with by the weather. He begged to return his +best thanks for himself and brother sods, and only regretted he had not +been taught speaking in his youth, or he would certainly have convinced +them all, that 'cocking' was the sport." "Coursing" was the next +toast--for which Arthur Pavis, the jockey, returned thanks. "He was very +fond of the 'long dogs,' and thought, after racing, coursing was the +true thing. He was no orator, and so he drank off his wine to the health +of the company." "Steeplechasing" followed, for which Mr. Coalman of +St. Albans returned thanks, assuring the company that it answered his +purpose remarkably well. Then the Vice gave the "Chair," and the Chair +gave the "Vice"; and by way of a finale, Mr. Badchild proposed the +game of "Chicken-hazard," observing in a whisper to Mr. Jorrocks, that +perhaps he would like to subscribe to a joint-stock purse for the +purpose of going to hell. To which Mr. Jorrocks, with great gravity, +replied; "Sir, I'm d----d if I do." + + + +VI. A WEEK AT CHELTENHAM: THE CHELTENHAM DANDY + +Mr. Jorrocks had been very poorly indeed of indigestion, as he calls +it, produced by tucking in too much roast beef and plum pudding at +Christmas, and prolonging the period of his festivities a little beyond +the season allowed by Moore's _Almanack_, and having in vain applied the +usual remedies prescribed on such occasions, he at length consented to +try the Cheltenham waters, though altogether opposed to the element, he +not having "astonished his stomach," as he says, for the last fifteen +years with a glass of water. + +Having established himself and the Yorkshireman in a small private +lodging in High Street, consisting of two bedrooms and a sitting-room, +he commenced his visits to the royal spa, and after a few good drenches, +picked up so rapidly, that to whatever inn they went to dine, the +landlords and waiters were astounded at the consumption of prog, and in +a very short time he was known from the "Royal Hotel" down to Hurlston's +Commercial Inn, as the great London Cormorant. At first, however, he was +extremely depressed in spirits, and did nothing the whole day after his +arrival, but talk about the arrangement of his temporal affairs; and the +first symptom he gave of returning health was one day at dinner at the +"Plough," by astonishing two or three scarlet-coated swells, who as +usual were disporting themselves in the coffee-room, by bellowing to the +waiter for some Talli-ho "sarce" to his fish. Before this he had never +once spoken of his favourite diversion, and the sportsmen cantered by +the window to cover in the morning, and back in the afternoon, without +eliciting a single observation from him. The morning after this change +for the better, he addressed his companion at breakfast as follows: +"Blow me tight, Mr. York, if I arn't regularly renowated. I'm as fresh +as an old hat after a shower of rain. I really thinks I shall get over +this terrible illness, for I dreamt of 'unting last night, and, if +you've a mind, we'll go and see my Lord Segrave's reynard dog, and then +start from this 'ere corrupt place, for, you see, it's nothing but a +town, and what's the use of sticking oneself in a little pokey lodging +like this 'ere, where there really is not room to swing a cat, and +paying the deuce knows how much tin, too, when one has a splendid house +in Great Coram Street going on all the time, with a rigler establishment +of servants and all that sort of thing. Now, you knows, I doesn't grudge +a wisit to Margate, though that's a town too, but then, you see, one has +the sea to look at, whereas here, it's nothing but a long street with +shops, not so good as those in Red Lion Street, with a few small streets +branching off from it, and as to the prommenard, as they calls it, aside +the spa, with its trees and garden stuff, why, I'm sure, to my mind, the +Clarence Gardens up by the Regent's Park, are quite as fine. It's true +the doctor says I must remain another fortnight to perfect the cure, but +then them 'ere M.D.'s, or whatever you calls them, are such rum jockeys, +and I always thinks they say one word for the patient and two for +themselves. Now, my chap said, I must only take half a bottle o' black +strap a day at the werry most, whereas I have never had less than a +whole one--his half first, as I say, and my own after--and because I +tells him I take a pint, he flatters himself his treatment is capital, +and that he is a wonderful M.D.; but as a man can't be better than well, +I think we'll just see what there's to be seen in the neighbourhood, and +then cut our sticks, and, as I said before, I should like werry much to +see my Lord Segrave's hounds, in order that I may judge whether there +is anything in the wide world to be compared to the Surrey, for if I +remember right, Mr. Nimrod described them as werry, werry fine, indeed." + +Having formed this resolution, Jorrocks stamped on the floor (for the +bell was broken) for the little boy who did the odd jobs of the house, +to bring up his Hessian boots, into which having thrust his great +calves, and replaced the old brown great-coat which he uses for a +dressing-gown by a superfine Saxony blue, with metal buttons and pockets +outside, he pulled his wig straight, stuck his white hat with the green +flaps knowingly on his head, and sallied forth for execution as stout a +man as ever. Knowing that the kennel is near the Winchcourt road, they +proceeded in that direction, but after walking about a mile, came upon +a groom on a chestnut horse, who, returning from the chase, was wetting +his whistle at the appropriate sign of the "Fox and Hounds," and who +informed them that they had passed the turning for the kennel, but that +the hounds were out, and then in a wood which he pointed out on the +hillside about two miles off, into which they had just brought their +fox. Looking in that direction, they presently saw the summit of one of +the highest of the range of hills that encircle the town of Cheltenham, +covered with horsemen and pedestrians, who kept moving backwards and +forwards on the "mountain's brow," looking in the distance more like a +flock of sheep than anything else. Jorrocks, being all right again and +up to anything, proposed a start to the wood, and though he thought they +should hardly reach it before the hounds either killed their fox or he +broke away again, they agreed to take the chance, and away they went, +"best leg first" as the saying is. The cover (Queen Wood by name, and, +as Jorrocks found out from somebody, the property of Lord Ellenborough) +being much larger than it at first appeared and the fox but a bad one, +they were in lots of time, and having toiled to the top of the wood, +Jorrocks swaggered in among the horsemen with all the importance of an +alderman. For full an hour after they got there the hounds kept running +in cover, the fox being repeatedly viewed and the pack continually +pressing him. Once or twice he came out, but after skirting the cover's +edge a few yards turned in again. Indeed, there were two foxes on foot, +one being a three-legged one, and it was extraordinary how he went and +stood before hounds, going apparently very cautiously and stopping every +now and then to listen. At last a thundering old grey-backed fellow went +away before the whole field, making for the steep declivities that +lead into the downs, and though the brow of the hill was covered with +foot-people who holloa'd and shouted enough to turn a lion, he would +make his point, and only altering his course so as to avoid running +right among the mob, he gained the summit of the hill and disappeared. +This hill, being uncommonly steep, was a breather for hounds that had +been running so long as they had, in a thick cover too, and neither they +nor the horses went at it with any great dash. The fox was not a fellow +to be caught very easily, and nothing but a good start could have given +them any chance, but the hounds never got well settled to the scent, and +after a fruitless cast his lordship gave it up, and Jorrocks and Co. +trudged back to Cheltenham, J---- highly delighted at so favourable an +opportunity of seeing the hounds. Indeed, so pleased was he with the +turn-out and the whole thing, that finding from Skinner, one of +the whippers-in, that they met on the following morning at Purge +Down-turnpike, in their best country, forgetting all about his +indigestion and the royal spa, he went to Newman and Longridge, the +horse dealers and livery stable keepers and engaged a couple of nags "to +look at the hounds upon," as he impressed upon their minds, which he +ordered to be ready at nine o'clock. + +This day he proposed to give the landlord of the "George Inn," in the +High Street, the benefit of his rapacious appetite, and about five +o'clock (his latest London hour) they sat down to dinner. The "George" +is neither exactly a swell house like the "Royal Hotel" or the "Plough," +nor yet a commercial one, but something betwixt and between. The +coffee-room is very small, consequently all the frequenters are drawn +together, and if a conversation is started a man must be deuced +unsociable that does not join in the cry. + +As three or four were sitting round the fire chatting over their tipple, +and Jorrocks was telling some of his best bouncers, the door opened +and a waiter bowed a fresh animal into the cage, who, after eyeing the +party, took off his hat and forthwith proceeded to pull off divers +neckcloths, cloaks, great-coats, muffitees, until he reduced himself to +about half the size he was on entering. He was a little square-built +old man, with white hair and plenty of it, a long stupid red face with +little pig eyes, a very long awkward body, and very short legs. He +was dressed in a blue coat, buff waistcoat, a sort of baggy grey or +thunder-and-lightning trousers, over which he had buttoned a pair of +long black gaiters. Having "peeled," he rubbed his hands and blew upon +them, as much as to say, "Now, gentlemen, won't you let me have a smell +of the fire?" and, accordingly, by a sort of military revolution, they +made a place for him right in the centre. + +"Coldish night I reckon, sir," said Jorrocks, looking him over. + +"Very cold indeed, very cold indeed," answered he, rubbing his elbows +against his ribs, and stamping with his feet. "I've just got off the top +of the Liverpool coach, and, I can assure you, it's very cold riding +outside a coach all day long--however, I always say that it's better +than being inside, though, indeed, it's very little that I trouble +coaches at all in the course of the year--generally travel in my own +carriage, only my family have it with them in Bristol now, where +I'm going to join them; but I'm well used to the elements, hunting, +shooting, and fishing, as I do constantly." + +This later announcement made Jorrocks rouse up, and finding himself +in the company of a sportsman and one, too, who travelled in his +own carriage, he assumed a different tone and commenced on a fresh +tack--"and pray, may I make bold to inquire what country you hunts in, +sir?" said he. + +"Oh! I live in Cheshire--Mainwaring's country, but Melton's the place I +chiefly hunt at,--know all the fellows there; rare set of dogs, to be +sure,--only country worth hunting in, to my mind." + +_Jorrocks_. Rigler swells, though, the chaps, arn't they? Recollect +one swell of a fellow coming with his upper lip all over fur into our +country, thinking to astonish our weak minds, but I reckon we told him +out. + +_Stranger_. What! you hunt, do you? + +_Jorrocks_. A few--you've perhaps heard tell of the Surrey 'unt? + +_Stranger_. Cocktail affair, isn't it? + +_Jorrocks_. No such thing, I assure you. Cocktail indeed! I likes that. + +_Stranger_. Well, but it's not what we calls a fast-coach. + +_Jorrocks_. I doesn't know wot you calls a fast-coach, but if you've a +mind to make a match, I'll bet you a hat, ay, or half a dozen hats, that +I'll find a fellow to take the conceit out o' any your Meltonians. + +_Stranger_. Oh! I don't doubt but you have some good men among you; I'm +sure I didn't mean anything offensive, by asking if it was a cocktail +affair, but we Meltonians certainly have a trick, I must confess, of +running every other country down; come, sir, I'll drink the Surrey hunt +with all my heart, said he, swigging off the remains of a glass of +brandy-and-water which the waiter had brought him shortly after +entering. + +_Jorrocks_. Thank you, sir, kindly. Waiter, bring me a bottom o' brandy, +cold, without--and don't stint for quantity, if you please. Doesn't you +think these inns werry expensive places, sir? I doesn't mean this in +particular, but inns in general. + +_Stranger_. Oh! I don't know, sir. We must expect to pay. "Live and let +live," is my motto. I always pay my inn bills without looking them over. +Just cast my eyes at the bottom to see the amount, then call for pen and +ink, add so much for waiter, so much for chambermaid, so much for boots, +and if I'm travelling in my own carriage so much for the ostler for +greasing. That's the way I do business, sir. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, sir, a werry pleasant plan too, especially for the +innkeeper--and all werry right for a gentleman of fortune like you. My +motto, however, is "Waste not, want not," and my wife's father's motto +was "Wilful waste brings woeful want," and I likes to have my money's +worth.--Now, said he, pulling out a handful of bills, at some places +that I go to they charges me six shillings a day for my dinner, and when +I was ill and couldn't digest nothing but the lightest and plainest of +breakfasts, when a fork breakfast in fact would have made a stiff 'un of +me, and my muffin mill was almost stopped, they charged me two shillings +for one cake, and sixpence for two eggs.--Now I'm in the tea trade +myself, you must know, and I contend that as things go, or at least as +things went before the Barbarian eye, as they call Napier, kicked up a +row with the Hong merchants, it's altogether a shameful imposition, and +I wonder people put up with it. + +_Stranger_. Oh, sir, I don't know. I think that it is the charge all +over the country. Besides, it doesn't do to look too closely at these +things, and you must allow something for keeping up the coffee-room, you +know--fire, candles, and so on. + +_Jorrocks_. But blow me tight, you surely don't want a candle to +breakfast by? However, I contends that innkeepers are great fools for +making these sort of charges, for it makes people get out of their +houses as quick as ever they can, whereas they might be inclined to stay +if they could get things moderate.--For my part I likes a coffee-room, +but having been used to commercial houses when I travelled, I knows what +the charges ought to be. Now, this room is snug enough though small, and +won't require no great keeping up. + +_Stranger_. No--but this room is smaller than the generality of them, +you know. They frequently have two fires in them, besides no end of oil +burning.--I know the expense of these things, for I have a very large +house in the country, and rely upon it, innkeepers have not such immense +profits as many people imagines--but, as I said before, "live and let +live." + +_Jorrocks_. So says I, "live and let live"--but wot I complains of is, +that some innkeepers charge so much that they won't let people live. +No man is fonder of eating than myself, but I don't like to pay by the +mouthful, or yet to drink tea at so much a thimbleful. By the way, Sar, +if you are not previously engaged, I should be werry happy to supply you +with red Mocho or best Twankay at a very reasonable figure indeed for +cash? + +_Stranger._ Thank you, sir, thank you. Those are things I never +interfere with--leave all these things to my people. My housekeeper +sends me in her book every quarter day, with an account of what she +pays. I just look at the amount--add so much for wages, and write a +cheque--"live and let live!" say I. However, added he, pulling out his +watch, and ringing the bell for the chambermaid, "I hate to get up very +early, so I think it is time to go to bed, and I wish you a very good +night, gentlemen all." + +Jorrocks gets up, advances half-way to the door, makes him one of his +most obsequious bows, and wishes him a werry good night. Having heard +him tramp upstairs and safely deposited in his bedroom, they pulled +their chairs together again, and making a smaller circle round the fire, +proceeded to canvass their departed friend. Jorrocks began--"I say, wot +a regular swell the chap is--a Meltonian, too.--I wonders who the deuce +he is. Wish Mr. Nimrod was among us, he could tell us all about him, I +dare say. I'm blowed if I didn't take him for a commercial gentleman at +first, until he spoke about his carriages. I likes to see gentlemen +of fortune making themselves sociable by coming into the coffee-room, +instead of sticking themselves up in private sitting-rooms, as if nobody +was good enough for them. You know Melton, Mr. York; did you ever see +the gentleman out?" + +"I can't say that I ever did," said his friend, "but people look so +different in their red coats to what they do in mufti, that there's no +such thing as recognising them unless you had a previous acquaintance +with them. The fields in Leicestershire are sometimes so large that it +requires a residence to get anything like a general knowledge of the +hunt, and, you know, Northamptonshire's the country for my money, after +Surrey, of course." + +"I don't think he is a gentleman," observed a thin sallow-complexioned +young man, who, sitting on one side of the fire, had watched the +stranger very narrowly without joining in the conversation. "He gives me +more the idea of a gentleman's servant, acting the part of master, than +anything else." + +_Jorrocks._ Oh! he is a gentleman, I'm sure--besides, a servant wouldn't +travel in a carriage you know, and he talked about greasing the wheels +and all that sort of thing, which showed he was familiar with the thing. + +"That's very true," replied the youth--"but a servant may travel in the +rumble and pay for greasing the wheels all the same, or perhaps have to +grease them himself." + +"Well, I should say he's a foolish purse-proud sort of fellow," observed +another, "who has come into money unexpectedly, and who likes to be the +cock of his party, and show off a little." + +_Jorrocks._ I'll be bound to say you're all wrong--you are not +fox-hunters, you see, or you would know that that is a way the sportsmen +have--we always make ourselves at home and agreeable--have a word for +everybody in fact, and no reserve; besides, you see, there was nothing +gammonacious, as I calls it, about his toggery, no round-cut coats with +sporting buttons, or coaches and four, or foxes for pins in his shirt. + +"I don't care for that," replied the sallow youth, "dress him as you +will, court suit, bag wig, and sword, you'll make nothing better of +him--he's a SNOB." + +Jorrocks, getting up, runs to the table on which the hats were standing, +saying, "I wonder if he's left his castor behind him? I've always found +a man's hat will tell a good deal. This is yours, Mr. York, with the +loop to it, and here's mine--I always writes Golgotha in mine, which +being interpreted, you know, means the place of a skull. These are +yours, I presume, gentlemen?" said he, taking up two others. "Confound +him, he's taken his tile with him--however, I'm quite positive he's a +gentleman--lay you a hat apiece all round he is, if you like!" + +"But how are we to prove it?" inquired the youth. + +_Jorrocks._ Call in the waiter. + +_Youth._ He may know nothing about him, and a waiter's gentleman is +always the man who pays him most. + +_Jorrocks._ Trust the waiter for knowing something about him, and if he +doesn't, why, it's only to send a purlite message upstairs, saying that +two gentlemen in the coffee-room have bet a trifle that he is some +nobleman--Lord Maryborough, for instance,--he's a little chap--but we +must make haste, or the gentleman will be asleep. + +"Well, then, I'll take your bet of a hat," replied the youth, "that he +is not what I call a gentleman." + +_Jorrocks._ I don't know what you calls a gentleman. I'll lay you a hat, +a guinea one, either white or black, whichever you like, but none o' +your dog hairs or gossamers, mind--that he's a man of dibs, and doesn't +follow no trade or calling, and if that isn't a gentleman, I don't know +wot is. What say you, Mr. York? + +"Suppose we put it thus--You bet this gentleman a hat that he's a +Meltonian, which will comprise all the rest." + +_Jorrocks._ Werry well put. Do you take me, sir? A guinea hat against a +guinea hat. + +"I do," said the youth. + +_Jorrocks._ Then DONE--now ring the bell for the waiter--I'll pump him. + +_Enter waiter._ + +_Jorrocks._ Snuff them candles, if you please, and bring me another +bottom o' brandy-cold, without--and, waiter! here, pray who is that +gentleman that came in by the Liverpool coach to-night? The little +gentleman in long black gaiters who sat in this chair, you know, and had +some brandy-and-water. + +_Waiter._ I know who you mean, sir, quite well, the gentleman who's gone +to bed. Let me see, what's his name? He keeps that large Hotel in---- +Street, Liverpool--what's the--Here an immense burst of laughter drowned +the remainder of the sentence. + +Jorrocks rose in a rage. "No! you double-distilled blockhead," said he, +"no such thing--you're thinking of someone else. The gentleman hunts at +Melton Mowbray, and travels in his own carriage." + +_Waiter_. I don't know nothing about Melton Mowbray, sir, but the last +time he came through here on his road to Bristol, he was in one of his +own rattle-trap yellows, and had such a load--his wife, a nurse, and +eight children inside; himself, his son, and an apple-tree on the +dickey--that the horses knocked up half-way and... + +_Jorrocks_. Say no more--say no more--d----n his teeth and +toe-nails--and that's swearing--a thing I never do but on the most +outrageous occasions. Confounded humbug, I'll be upsides with him, +however. Waiter, bring the bill and no more brandy. Never was so done in +all my life--a gammonacious fellow! "There, sir, there's your one pound +one," said he, handing a sovereign and a shilling to the winner of the +hat. "Give me my tile, and let's mizzle.--Waiter, I can't wait; must +bring the bill up to my lodgings in the morning if it isn't ready.--Come +away, come away--I shall never get over this as long as ever I live. +'Live and let live,' indeed! no wonder he stuck up for the innkeepers--a +publican and a sinner as he is. Good night, gentlemen, good night." + +_Exit Jorrocks_. + + + +VII. AQUATICS: MR. JORROCKS AT MARGATE + +The shady side of Cheapside had become a luxury, and footmen in red +plush breeches objects of real commiseration, when Mr. Jorrocks, +tired of the heat and "ungrateful hurry of the town," resolved upon +undertaking an aquatic excursion. He was sitting, as is "his custom +always in the afternoon," in the arbour at the farther end of his gravel +walk, which he dignifies by the name of "garden," and had just finished +a rough mental calculation, as to whether he could eat more bread spread +with jam or honey, when the idea of the jaunt entered his imagination. +Being a man of great decision, he speedily winnowed the project over +in his mind, and producing a five-pound note from the fob of his small +clothes, passed it in review between his fingers, rubbed out the +creases, held it up to the light, refolded and restored it to his fob. +"Batsay," cried he, "bring my castor--the white one as hangs next the +blue cloak;" and forthwith a rough-napped, unshorn-looking, white hat +was transferred from the peg to Mr. Jorrocks's head. This done, he +proceeded to the "Piazza," where he found the Yorkshireman exercising +himself up and down the spacious coffee-room, and, grasping his hand +with the firmness of a vice, he forthwith began unburthening himself of +the object of his mission. "'Ow are you?" said he, shaking his arm like +the handle of a pump. "'Ow are you, I say?--I'm so delighted to see you, +ye carn't think--isn't this charming weather! It makes me feel like a +butterfly--really think the 'air is sprouting under my vig." Here he +took off his wig and rubbed his hand over his bald head, as though he +were feeling for the shoots. + +"Now to business--Mrs. J---- is away at Tooting, as you perhaps knows, +and I'm all alone in Great Coram Street, with the key of the cellar, +larder, and all that sort of thing, and I've a werry great mind to be +off on a jaunt--what say you?" "Not the slightest objection," replied +the Yorkshireman, "on the old principle of you finding cash, and me +finding company." "Why, now I'll tell you, werry honestly, that I should +greatly prefer your paying your own shot; but, however, if you've a mind +to do as I do, I'll let you stand in the half of a five-pound note and +whatever silver I have in my pocket," pulling out a great handful as he +spoke, and counting up thirty-two and sixpence. "Very good," replied +the Yorkshireman when he had finished, "I'm your man;--and not to be +behindhand in point of liberality, I've got threepence that I received +in change at the cigar divan just now, which I will add to the common +stock, so that we shall have six pounds twelve and ninepence between +us." "Between us!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, "now that's so like a +Yorkshireman. I declare you Northerns seem to think all the world are +asleep except yourselves;--howsomever, I von't quarrel with you--you're +a goodish sort of chap in your way, and so long as I keep the swag, +we carn't get far wrong. Well, then, to-morrow at two we'll start for +Margate--the most delightful place in all the world, where we will have +a rare jollification, and can stay just as long as the money holds +out. So now good-bye--I'm off home again to see about wittles for the +woyage." + +It were almost superfluous to mention that the following day was a +Saturday--for no discreet citizen would think of leaving town on any +other. It dawned with uncommon splendour, and the cocks of Coram Street +and adjacent parts seemed to hail the morn with more than their wonted +energy. Never, save on a hunting morning, did Mr. Jorrocks tumble about +in bed with such restless anxiety as cock after cock took up the crow +in every gradation of noise from the shrill note of the free +street-scouring chanticleer before the door, to the faint response of +the cooped and prisoned victims of the neighbouring poulterer's, their +efforts being aided by the flutterings and impertinent chirruping of +swarms of town-bred sparrows. + +At length the boy, Binjimin, tapped at his master's door, and, +depositing his can of shaving-water on his dressing-table, took away his +coat and waistcoat, under pretence of brushing them, but in reality to +feel if he had left any pence in the pockets. With pleasure Mr. Jorrocks +threw aside the bed-clothes, and bounded upon the floor with a bump that +shook his own and adjoining houses. On this day a few extra minutes were +devoted to his toilet, one or two of which were expended in adjusting a +gold foxhead pin in a conspicuous part of his white tie, and in drawing +on a pair of new dark blue stocking-net pantaloons, made so excessively +tight, that at starting, any of his Newmarket friends would have laid +three to two against his ever getting into them at all. When on, +however, they fully developed the substantial proportions of his +well-rounded limbs, while his large tasselled Hessians showed that the +bootmaker had been instructed to make a pair for a "great calf." A +blue coat, with metal buttons, ample laps, and pockets outside, with a +handsome buff kerseymere waistcoat, formed his costume on this occasion. +Breakfast being over, he repaired to St. Botolph Lane, there to see his +letters and look after his commercial affairs; in which the reader not +being interested, we will allow the Yorkshireman to figure a little. + +About half-past one this enterprising young man placed himself in Tommy +Sly's wherry at the foot of the Savoy stairs, and not agreeing in +opinion with Mr. Jorrocks that it is of "no use keeping a dog and +barking oneself," he took an oar and helped to row himself down to +London Bridge. At the wharf below the bridge there lay a magnificent +steamer, painted pea-green and white, with flags flying from her masts, +and the deck swarming with smart bonnets and bodices. Her name was the +_Royal Adelaide_, from which the sagacious reader will infer that this +excursion was made during the late reign. The Yorkshireman and Tommy +Sly having wormed their way among the boats, were at length brought up +within one of the vessels, and after lying on their oars a few seconds, +they were attracted by, "Now, sir, are you going to sleep there?" +addressed to a rival nautical whose boat obstructed the way, and on +looking up on deck what a sight burst upon the Yorkshireman's astonished +vision!--Mr. Jorrocks, with his coat off, and a fine green velvet cap or +turban, with a broad gold band and tassel, on his head, hoisting a +great hamper out of the wherry, rejecting all offers of assistance, +and treating the laughter and jeers of the porters and bystanders with +ineffable contempt. At length he placed the load to his liking, and +putting on his coat, adjusted his hunting telescope, and advanced to the +side, as the Yorkshireman mounted the step-ladder and came upon deck. +"Werry near being over late," said he, pulling out his watch, just at +which moment the last bell rang, and a few strokes of the paddles sent +the vessel away from the quay. "A miss is as good as a mile," replied +the Yorkshireman; "but pray what have you got in the hamper?" + +"In the 'amper! Why, wittles to be sure. You seem to forget we are going +a woyage, and 'ow keen the sea hair is. I've brought a knuckle of weal, +half a ham, beef, sarsingers, chickens, sherry white, and all that sort +of thing, and werry acceptable they'll be by the time we get to the +Nore, or may be before." + +"Ease her! Stop her!" cried the captain through his trumpet, just as +the vessel was getting into her stride in mid-stream, and, with true +curiosity, the passengers flocked to the side, to see who was coming, +though they could not possibly have examined half they had on board. +Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was not behindhand in inquisitiveness, and +proceeded to adjust his telescope. A wherry was seen rowing among the +craft, containing the boatman, and a gentleman in a woolly white hat, +with a bright pea-green coat, and a basket on his knee. "By jingo, +here's Jemmy Green!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, taking his telescope from +his eye, and giving his thigh a hearty slap. "How unkimmon lucky! The +werry man of all others I should most like to see. You know James Green, +don't you?" addressing the Yorkshireman--"young James Green, junior, +of Tooley Street--everybody knows him--most agreeable young man in +Christendom--fine warbler--beautiful dancer--everything that a young man +should be." + +"How are you James?" cried Jorrocks, seizing him by the hand as his +friend stepped upon deck; but whether it was the nervousness occasioned +by the rocking of the wherry, or the shaking of the step-ladder up the +side of the steamer, or Mr. Jorrocks's new turban cap, but Mr. Green, +with an old-maidish reserve, drew back from the proffered embrace of his +friend. "You have the adwantage of me, sir," said he, fidgeting back +as he spoke, and eyeing Mr. Jorrocks with unmeasured surprise--"Yet +stay--if I'm not deceived it's Mr. Jorrocks--so it is!" and thereupon +they joined hands most cordially, amid exclamations of, "'Ow are you, +J----?" '"Ow are you, G----?" "'Ow are you, J----?" "So glad to see you, +J----" "So glad to see you, G----" "So glad to see you, J----" "And pray +what may you have in your basket?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, putting his +hand to the bottom of a neat little green-and-white willow woman's +basket, apparently for the purpose of ascertaining its weight. "Only my +clothes, and a little prowision for the woyage. A baked pigeon, some +cold maccaroni, and a few pectoral lozenges. At the bottom are my +Margate shoes, with a comb in one, and a razor in t'other; then comes +the prog, and at the top, I've a dickey and a clean front for to-morrow. +I abominates travelling with much luggage. Where, I ax, is the use of +carrying nightcaps, when the innkeepers always prowide them, without +extra charge? The same with regard to soap. Shave, I say, with what you +find in your tray. A wet towel makes an excellent tooth-brush, and a +pen-knife both cuts and cleans your nails. Perhaps you'll present +your friend to me," added he in the same breath, with a glance at the +Yorkshireman, upon whose arm Mr. Jorrocks was resting his telescope +hand. "Much pleasure," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with his usual urbanity. +"Allow me to introduce Mr. Stubbs, Mr. Green, Mr. Green, Mr. Stubbs: now +pray shake hands," added he, "for I'm sure you'll be werry fond of each +other"; and thereupon Jemmy, in the most patronising manner, extended +his two forefingers to the Yorkshireman, who presented him with one in +return. For the information of such of our readers as may never have +seen Mr. James Green, senior junior, either in Tooley Street, Southwark, +where the patronymic name abounds, or at Messrs. Tattersall's, where he +generally exhibits on a Monday afternoon, we may premise, that though a +little man in stature, he is a great man in mind and a great swell in +costume. On the present occasion, as already stated, he had on a woolly +white hat, his usual pea-green coat, with a fine, false, four-frilled +front to his shirt, embroidered, plaited, and puckered, like a lady's +habit-shirt. Down the front were three or four different sorts of studs, +and a butterfly brooch, made of various coloured glasses, sat in +the centre. His cravat was of a yellow silk with a flowered border, +confining gills sharp and pointed that looked up his nostrils; his +double-breasted waistcoat was of red and yellow tartan with blue glass +post-boy buttons; and his trousers, which were very wide and cut out +over the foot of rusty-black chamois-leather opera-boots, were of a +broad blue stripe upon a white ground. A curly, bushy, sandy-coloured +wig protruded from the sides of his woolly white hat, and shaded a +vacant countenance, which formed the frontispiece of a great chuckle +head. Sky-blue gloves and a stout cane, with large tassels, completed +the rigging of this borough dandy. Altogether he was as fine as any +peacock, and as vain as the proudest. + +"And 'ow is Mrs. J----?" inquired Green with the utmost affability--"I +hopes she's uncommon well--pray, is she of your party?" looking round. +"Why, no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "she's off at Tooting at her mother's, +and I'm just away, on the sly, to stay a five-pound at Margate this +delightful weather. 'Ow long do you remain?" "Oh, only till Monday +morning--I goes every Saturday; in fact," added he in an undertone, +"I've a season ticket, so I may just as well use it, as stay poking in +Tooley Street with the old folks, who really are so uncommon glumpy, +that it's quite refreshing to get away from them." + +"That's a pity," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with one of his benevolent looks. +"But 'ow comes it, James, you are not married? You are not a bouy now, +and should be looking out for a home of your own." "True, my dear +J----, true," replied Mr. Green; "and I'll tell you wot, our principal +book-keeper and I have made many calculations on the subject, and being +a man of literature like yourself, he gave it as his opinion the last +time we talked the matter over, that it would only be avoiding Silly and +running into Crab-beds; which I presume means Quod or the Bench. Unless +he can have a wife 'made to order,' he says he'll never wed. Besides, +the women are such a bothersome encroaching set. I declare I'm so +pestered with them that I don't know vich vay to turn. They are always +tormenting of me. Only last week one sent me a specification of what +she'd marry me for, and I declare her dress, alone, came to more than I +have to find myself in clothes, ball-and concert-tickets, keep an 'oss, +go to theatres, buy lozenges, letter-paper, and everything else with. +There were bumbazeens, and challies, and merinos, and crape, and gauze, +and dimity, and caps, bonnets, stockings, shoes, boots, rigids, stays, +ringlets; and, would you believe it, she had the unspeakable audacity to +include a bustle! It was the most monstrous specification and proposal +I ever read, and I returned it by the twopenny post, axing her if she +hadn't forgotten to include a set of false teeth. Still, I confess, I'm +tired of Tooley Street. I feel that I have a soul above hemp, and was +intended for a brighter sphere; but vot can one do, cooped up at home +without men of henergy for companions? No prospect of improvement +either; for I left our old gentleman alarmingly well just now, pulling +about the flax and tow, as though his dinner depended upon his +exertions. I think if the women would let me alone, I might have some +chance, but it worries a man of sensibility and refinement to have them +always tormenting of one.--I've no objection to be led, but, dash my +buttons, I von't be driven." "Certainly not," replied Mr. Jorrocks, with +great gravity, jingling the silver in his breeches-pocket. "It's an old +saying, James, and times proves it true, that you may take an 'oss to +the water but you carn't make him drink--and talking of 'osses, pray, +how are you off in that line?" "Oh, werry well--uncommon, I may say--a +thoroughbred, bang tail down to the hocks, by Phantom, out of Baron +Munchausen's dam--gave a hatful of money for him at Tatts'.--five +fives--a deal of tin as times go. But he's a perfect 'oss, I assure +you--bright bay with four black legs, and never a white hair upon him. +He's touched in the vind, but that's nothing--I'm not a fox-hunter, you +know, Mr. Jorrocks; besides, I find the music he makes werry useful in +the streets, as a warning to the old happle women to get out of the way. +Pray, sir," turning to the Yorkshireman with a jerk, "do you dance?"--as +the boat band, consisting of a harp, a flute, a lute, a long horn, and +a short horn, struck up a quadrille,--and, without waiting for a reply, +our hero sidled past, and glided among the crowd that covered the deck. + +"A fine young man, James," observed Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing Jemmy as he +elbowed his way down the boat--"fine young man--wants a little of his +father's ballast, but there's no putting old heads on young shoulders. +He's a beautiful dancer," added Mr. Jorrocks, putting his arm through +the Yorkshireman's, "let's go and see him foot it." Having worked their +way down, they at length got near the dancers, and mounting a ballast +box had a fine view of the quadrille. There were eight or ten couple at +work, and Jemmy had chosen a fat, dumpy, red-faced girl, in a bright +orange-coloured muslin gown, with black velvet Vandyked flounces, and +green boots--a sort of walking sunflower, with whom he was pointing his +toe, kicking out behind, and pirouetting with great energy and agility. +His male _vis-a-vis_ was a waistcoatless young Daniel Lambert, in white +ducks, and a blue dress-coat, with a carnation in his mouth, who with a +damsel in ten colours, reel'd to and fro in humble imitation. "Green +for ever!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, taking off his velvet cap and waving +it encouragingly over his head: "Green for ever! Go it Green!" and, +accordingly, Green went it with redoubled vigour. "Wiggins for ever!" +responded a female voice opposite, "I say, Wiggins!" which was followed +by a loud clapping of hands, as the fat gentleman made an astonishing +step. Each had his admiring applauders, though Wiggins "had the call" +among the ladies--the opposition voice that put him in nomination +proceeding from the mother of his partner, who, like her daughter, was a +sort of walking pattern book. The spirit of emulation lasted throughout +the quadrille, after which, sunflower in hand, Green traversed the deck +to receive the compliments of the company. + +"You must be 'ungry," observed Mr. Jorrocks, with great politeness +to the lady, "after all your exertions," as the latter stood mopping +herself with a coarse linen handkerchief--"pray, James, bring your +partner to our 'amper, and let me offer her some refreshment," which was +one word for the Sunflower and two for himself, the sea breeze having +made Mr. Jorrocks what he called "unkimmon peckish." The hamper was +speedily opened, the knuckle of veal, the half ham, the aitch bone of +beef, the Dorking sausages (made in Drury Lane), the chickens, and +some dozen or two of plovers' eggs were exhibited, while Green, with +disinterested generosity, added his baked pigeon and cold maccaroni to +the common stock. A vigorous attack was speedily commenced, and was kept +up, with occasional interruptions by Green running away to dance, until +they hove in sight of Herne Bay, which caused an interruption to a +very interesting lecture on wines, that Mr. Jorrocks was in the act of +delivering, which went to prove that port and sherry were the parents of +all wines, port the father, and sherry the mother; and that Bluecellas, +hock, Burgundy, claret, Teneriffe, Madeira, were made by the addition +of water, vinegar, and a few chemical ingredients, and that of all +"humbugs," pale sherry was the greatest, being neither more nor less +than brown sherry watered. Mr. Jorrocks then set to work to pack up the +leavings in the hamper, observing as he proceeded, that wilful waste +brought woeful want, and that "waste not, want not," had ever been the +motto of the Jorrocks family. + +It was nearly eight o'clock ere the _Royal Adelaide_ touched the point +of the far-famed Margate Jetty, a fact that was announced as well by the +usual bump, and scuttle to the side to get out first, as by the band +striking up _God save the King_, and the mate demanding the tickets of +the passengers. The sun had just dropped beneath the horizon, and the +gas-lights of the town had been considerately lighted to show him to +bed, for the day was yet in the full vigour of life and light. + +Two or three other cargoes of cockneys having arrived before, the whole +place was in commotion, and the beach swarmed with spectators as anxious +to watch this last disembarkation as they had been to see the first. By +a salutary regulation of the sages who watch over the interests of the +town, "all manner of persons," are prohibited from walking upon the +jetty during this ceremony, but the platform of which it is composed +being very low, those who stand on the beach outside the rails, are just +about on a right level to shoot their impudence cleverly into the ears +of the new-comers who are paraded along two lines of gaping, quizzing, +laughing, joking, jeering citizens, who fire volleys of wit and satire +upon them as they pass. "There's leetle Jemmy Green again!" exclaimed a +nursery-maid with two fat, ruddy children in her arms, "he's a beauty +without paint!" "Hallo, Jorrocks, my hearty! lend us your hand," cried a +brother member of the Surrey Hunt. Then there was a pointing of fingers +and cries of "That's Jorrocks! that's Green!" "That's Green! that's +Jorrocks!" and a murmuring titter, and exclamations of "There's +Simpkins! how pretty he is!" "But there's Wiggins, who's much nicer." +"My eye, what a cauliflower hat Mrs. Thompson's got!" "What a buck young +Snooks is!" "What gummy legs that girl in green has!" "Miss Trotter's +bustle's on crooked!" from the young ladies at Miss Trimmer's seminary +who were drawn up to show the numerical strength of the academy, and act +the part of walking advertisements. These observations were speedily +drowned by the lusty lungs of a flyman bellowing out, as Green passed, +"Hallo! my young brockley-sprout, are you here again?--now then for +the tizzy you owe me,--I have been waiting here for it ever since last +Monday morning." This salute produced an irate look and a shake of his +cane from Green, with a mutter of something about "imperance," and a +wish that he had his big fighting foreman there to thrash him. When they +got to the gate at the end, the tide of fashion became obstructed by the +kissings of husbands and wives, the greetings of fathers and sons, the +officiousness of porters, the cries of flymen, the importunities of +innkeepers, the cards of bathing-women, the salutations of donkey +drivers, the programmes of librarians, and the rush and push of the +inquisitive; and the waters of "comers" and "stayers" mingled in one +common flood of indescribable confusion. + +Mr. Jorrocks, who, hamper in hand, had elbowed his way with persevering +resignation, here found himself so beset with friends all anxious to +wring his digits, that, fearful of losing either his bed or his +friends, he besought Green to step on to the "White Hart" and see about +accommodation. Accordingly Green ran his fingers through the bushy +sides of his yellow wig, jerked up his gills, and with a _neglige_ air +strutted up to that inn, which, as all frequenters of Margate know, +stands near the landing-place, and commands a fine view of the harbour. +Mr. Creed, the landlord, was airing himself at the door, or, as +Shakespeare has it, "taking his ease at his inn," and knowing Green of +old to be a most unprofitable customer, he did not trouble to move +his position farther than just to draw up one leg so as not wholly to +obstruct the passage, and looked at him as much as to say "I prefer your +room to your company." "Quite full here, sir," said he, anticipating +Green's question. "Full, indeed?" replied Jemmy, pulling up his +gills--"that's werry awkward, Mr. Jorrocks has come down with myself and +a friend, and we want accommodation." "Mr. Jorrocks, indeed!" replied +Mr. Creed, altering his tone and manner; "I'm sure I shall be delighted +to receive Mr. Jorrocks--he's one of the oldest customers I have--and +one of the best--none of your 'glass of water and toothpick' +gentleman--real downright, black-strap man, likes it hot and strong from +the wood--always pays like a gentleman--never fights about three-pences, +like some people I know," looking at Jemmy. "Pray, what rooms may you +require?" "Vy, there's myself, Mr. Jorrocks, and Mr. Jorrocks's other +friend--three in all, and we shall want three good, hairy bedrooms." +"Well, I don't know," replied Mr. Creed, laughing, "about their +hairiness, but I can rub them with bear's grease for you." Jemmy pulled +up his gills and was about to reply, when Mr. Jorrocks's appearance +interrupted the dialogue. Mr. Creed advanced to receive him, blowing up +his porters for not having been down to carry up the hamper, which he +took himself and bore to the coffee-room, amid protestations of his +delight at seeing his worthy visitor. + +Having talked over the changes of Margate, of those that were there, +those that were not, and those that were coming, and adverted to the +important topic of supper, Mr. Jorrocks took out his yellow and white +spotted handkerchief and proceeded to flop his Hessian boots, while Mr. +Creed, with his own hands, rubbed him over with a long billiard-table +brush. Green, too, put himself in form by the aid of the looking-glass, +and these preliminaries being adjusted, the trio sallied forth +arm-in-arm, Mr. Jorrocks occupying the centre. It was a fine, balmy +summer evening, the beetles and moths still buzzed and flickered in +the air, and the sea rippled against the shingly shore, with a low +indistinct murmur that scarcely sounded among the busy hum of men. The +shades of night were drawing on--a slight mist hung about the hills, and +a silvery moon shed a broad brilliant ray upon the quivering waters "of +the dark blue sea," and an equal light over the wide expanse of the +troubled town. How strange that man should leave the quiet scenes of +nature, to mix in myriads of those they profess to quit cities to avoid! +One turn to the shore, and the gas-lights of the town drew back the +party like moths to the streets, which were literally swarming with +the population. "Cheapside, at three o'clock in the afternoon," as Mr. +Jorrocks observed, was never fuller than Margate streets that evening. +All was lighted up--all brilliant and all gay--care seemed banished +from every countenance, and pretty faces and smart gowns reigned in its +stead. Mr. Jorrocks met with friends and acquaintances at every turn, +most of whom asked "when he came?" and "when he was going away?" Having +perambulated the streets, the sound of music attracted Jemmy Green's +attention, and our party turned into a long, crowded and brilliantly +lighted bazaar, just as the last notes of a barrel-organ at the far end +faded away, and a young woman in a hat and feathers, with a swan's-down +muff and tippet, was handed by a very smart young man in dirty white +Berlin gloves, and an equally soiled white waistcoat, into a sort of +orchestra above where, after the plaudits of the company had subsided, +she struck-up: + + "If I had a donkey vot vouldn't go." + +At the conclusion of the song, and before the company had time to +disperse, the same smart young gentleman,--having rehanded the young +lady from the orchestra and pocketed his gloves,--ran his fingers +through his hair, and announced from that eminence, that the spirited +proprietors of the Bazaar were then going to offer for public +competition in the enterprising shape of a raffle, in tickets, at one +shilling each, a most magnificently genteel, rosewood, general perfume +box fitted up with cedar and lined with red silk velvet, adorned with +cut-steel clasps at the sides, and a solid, massive, silver name-plate +at the top, with a best patent Bramah lock and six chaste and +beautifully rich cut-glass bottles, and a plate-glass mirror at the +top--a box so splendidly perfect, so beautifully unique, as alike +to defy the powers of praise and the critiques of the envious; and +thereupon he produced a flashy sort of thing that might be worth three +and sixpence, for which he modestly required ten subscribers, at a +shilling each, adding, "that even with that number the proprietors would +incur a werry heavy loss, for which nothing but a boundless sense of +gratitude for favours past could possibly recompense them." The youth's +eloquence and the glitter of the box reflecting, as it did at every +turn, the gas-lights both in its steel and glass, had the desired +effect--shillings went down, and tickets went off rapidly, until +only three remained. "Four, five, and ten, are the only numbers now +remaining," observed the youth, running his eye up the list and wetting +his pencil in his mouth. "Four, five and ten! ten, four, five! five, +four, ten! are the only numbers now vacant for this werry genteel and +magnificent rosewood perfume-box, lined with red velvet, cut-steel +clasps, a silver plate for the name, best patent Bramah lock, and six +beautiful rich cut-glass bottles, with a plate glass mirror in the +lid--and only four, five, and ten now vacant!" "I'll take ten," said +Green, laying down a shilling. "Thank you, sir--only four and five now +wanting, ladies and gentlemen--pray, be in time--pray, be in time! This +is without exception the most brilliant prize ever offered for public +competition. There were only two of these werry elegant boxes made,--the +unfortunate mechanic who executed them being carried off by that +terrible malady, the cholera morbus,--and the other is now in the +possession of his most Christian Majesty the King of the French. Only +four and five wanting to commence throwing for this really perfect +specimen of human ingenuity--only four and five!" "I'll take them," +cried Green, throwing down two shillings more--and then the table was +cleared--the dice box produced, and the crowd drew round. "Number +one!--who holds number one?" inquired the keeper, arranging the paper, +and sucking the end of his pencil. A young gentleman in a blue jacket +and white trousers owned the lot, and, accordingly, led off the game. +The lottery-keeper handed the box, and put in the dice--rattle, rattle, +rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and lift up--"seven and four are +eleven"--"now again, if you please, sir," putting the dice into the +box--rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop, and +lift up--a loud laugh--"one and two make three"--the youth bit his +lips;--rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, plop--a +pause--and lift up--"threes!"--"six, three, and eleven, are twenty." +"Now who holds number two?--what lady or gentleman holds number two? +Pray, step forward!" The Sunflower drew near--Green looked confused--she +fixed her eye upon him, half in fear, half in entreaty--would he offer +to throw for her? No, by Jove, Green was not so green as all that came +to, and he let her shake herself. She threw twenty-two, thereby putting +an extinguisher on the boy, and raising Jemmy's chance considerably. +"Three" was held by a youngster in nankeen petticoats, who would +throw for himself, and shook the box violently enough to be heard at +Broadstairs. He scored nineteen, and, beginning to cry immediately, was +taken home. Green was next, and all eyes turned upon him, for he was a +noted hand. He advanced to the table with great sangfroid, and, turning +back the wrists of his coat, exhibited his beautiful sparkling paste +shirt buttons, and the elegant turn of his taper hand, the middle finger +of which was covered with massive rings. He took the box in a _neglige_ +manner, and without condescending to shake it, slid the dice out upon +the table by a gentle sideway motion--"sixes!" cried all, and down the +marker put twelve. At the second throw, he adopted another mode. As soon +as the dice were in, he just chucked them up in the air like as many +halfpence, and down they came five and six--"eleven," said the marker. +With a look of triumph Green held the box for the third time, which he +just turned upside down, and lo, on uncovering, there stood two--"ones!" +A loud laugh burst forth, and Green looked confused. "I'm so glad!" +whispered a young lady, who had made an unsuccessful "set" at Jemmy the +previous season, in a tone loud enough for him to hear. "I hope he'll +lose," rejoined a female friend, rather louder. "That Jemmy Green is my +absolute abhorrence," observed a third. "'Orrible man, with his nasty +vig," observed the mamma of the first speaker--"shouldn't have my darter +not at no price." Green, however, headed the poll, having beat the +Sunflower, and had still two lots in reserve. For number five, he threw +twenty-five, and was immediately outstripped, amid much laughter and +clapping of hands from the ladies, by number six, who in his turn fell +a prey to number seven. Between eight and nine there was a very +interesting contest who should be lowest, and hopes and fears were at +their altitude, when Jemmy Green again turned back his coat-wrist to +throw for number ten. His confidence had forsaken him a little, as +indicated by a slight quivering of the under-lip, but he managed to +conceal it from all except the ladies, who kept too scrutinising an +eye upon him. His first throw brought sixes, which raised his spirits +amazingly; but on their appearance a second time, he could scarcely +contain himself, backed as he was by the plaudits of his friend Mr. +Jorrocks. Then came the deciding throw--every eye was fixed on Jemmy, he +shook the box, turned it down, and lo! there came seven. + +"Mr. James Green is the fortunate winner of this magnificent prize!" +exclaimed the youth, holding up the box in mid-air, and thereupon all +the ladies crowded round Green, some to congratulate him, others to +compliment him on his looks, while one or two of the least knowing tried +to coax him out of his box. Jemmy, however, was too old a stager, and +pocketed the box and other compliments at the same time. + +Another grind of the organ, and another song followed from the same +young lady, during which operation Green sent for the manager, and, +after a little beating about the bush, proposed singing a song or +two, if he would give him lottery-tickets gratis. He asked three +shilling-tickets for each song, and finally closed for five tickets +for two songs, on the understanding that he was to be announced as a +distinguished amateur, who had come forward by most particular desire. + +Accordingly the manager--a roundabout, red-faced, consequential little +cockney--mounted the rostrum, and begged to announce to the company +that that "celebrated wocalist, Mr. James Green, so well known as a +distinguished amateur and conwivialist, both at Bagnigge Wells, and Vite +Conduit House, LONDON, had werry kindly consented, in order to promote +the hilarity of the evening, to favour the company with a song +immediately after the drawing of the next lottery," and after a few +high-flown compliments, which elicited a laugh from those who were up +to Jemmy's mode of doing business, he concluded by offering a +_papier-mache_ tea-caddy for public competition, in shilling lots as +before. + +As soon as the drawing was over, they gave the organ a grind, and Jemmy +popped up with a hop, step, and a jump, with his woolly white hat under +his arm, and presented himself with a scrape and a bow to the company. +After a few preparatory "hems and haws," he pulled up his gills and +spoke as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen! hem"--another pull at his +gills--"ladies and gentlemen--my walued friend, Mr. Kitey Graves, has +announced that I will entertain the company with a song; though nothing, +I assure you--hem--could be farther from my idea--hem--when my excellent +friend asked me,"--"Hookey Walker!" exclaimed someone who had heard +Jemmy declare the same thing half a dozen times--"and, indeed, ladies +and gentlemen--hem--nothing but the werry great regard I have for Mr. +Kitey Graves, who I have known and loved ever since he was the height of +sixpennorth of coppers" a loud laugh followed this allusion, seeing that +eighteenpenny-worth would almost measure out the speaker. On giving +another "hem," and again pulling up his gills, an old Kentish farmer, in +a brown coat and mahogany-coloured tops, holloaed out, "I say, sir! I'm +afear'd you'll be catching cold!" "I 'opes not," replied Jemmy in a +fluster, "is it raining? I've no umbrella, and my werry best coat on!" +"No! raining, no!" replied the farmer, "only you've pulled at your shirt +so long that I think you must be bare behind! Haw! haw! haw!" at which +all the males roared with laughter, and the females hid their faces in +their handkerchiefs, and tittered and giggled, and tried to be shocked. +"ORDER! ORDER!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, in a loud and sonorous voice, which +had the effect of quelling the riot and drawing all eyes upon himself. +"Ladies and gentlemen," said he, taking off his cap with great gravity, +and extending his right arm, + + Immodest words admit of no defence, + For want of decency is want of sense; + +a couplet so apropos, and so well delivered, as to have the immediate +effect of restoring order and making the farmer look foolish. Encouraged +by the voice of his great patron, Green once more essayed to finish his +speech, which he did by a fresh assurance of the surprise by which +he had been taken by the request of his friend, Kitey Graves, and an +exhortation for the company to make allowance for any deficiency of +"woice," inasmuch as how as labouring under "a wiolent 'orseness," for +which he had long been taking pectoral lozenges. He then gave his gills +another pull, felt if they were even, and struck up: + + "Bid me discourse," + +in notes, compared to which the screaming of a peacock would be perfect +melody. Mr. Jorrocks having taken a conspicuous position, applauded +long, loudly, and warmly, at every pause--approbation the more deserved +and disinterested, inasmuch as the worthy gentleman suffers considerably +from music, and only knows two tunes, one of which, he says, "is _God +save the King_, and the other isn't." + +Having seen his protege fairly under way, Mr. Jorrocks gave him a hint +that he would return to the "White Hart," and have supper ready by the +time he was done; accordingly the Yorkshireman and he withdrew along an +avenue politely formed by the separation of the company, who applauded +as they passed. + +An imperial quart and a half of Mr. Creed's stoutest draft port, with +the orthodox proportion of lemon, cloves, sugar, and cinnamon, had +almost boiled itself to perfection under the skilful superintendence of +Mr. Jorrocks, on the coffee-room fire, and a table had been handsomely +decorated with shrimps, lobsters, broiled bones, fried ham, poached +eggs, when just as the clock had finished striking eleven, the +coffee-room door opened with a rush, and in tripped Jemmy Green with his +hands crammed full of packages, and his trousers' pockets sticking out +like a Dutch burgomaster's. "Vell, I've done 'em brown to-night, I +think," said he, depositing his hat and half a dozen packages on the +sideboard, and running his fingers through his curls to make them stand +up. "I've won nine lotteries, and left one undrawn when I came away, +because it did not seem likely to fill. Let me see," said he, emptying +his pockets,--"there is the beautiful rosewood box that I won, ven you +was there; the next was a set of crimping-irons, vich I von also; the +third was a jockey-vip, which I did not want and only stood one ticket +for and lost; the fourth was this elegant box, with a view of Margate on +the lid; then came these six sherry labels with silver rims; a snuff-box +with an inwisible mouse; a coral rattle with silver bells; a silk +yard measure in a walnut-shell; a couple of West India beetles; a +humming-bird in a glass case, which I lost; and then these dozen bodkins +with silver eyes--so that altogether I have made a pretty good night's +work of it. Kitey Graves wasn't in great force, so after I had sung _Bid +me Discourse_, and _I'd be a Butterfly_, I cut my stick and went to the +hopposition shop, where they used me much more genteelly; giving me +three tickets for a song, and introducing me in more flattering terms to +the company--don't like being considered one of the nasty 'reglars,' and +they should make a point of explaining that one isn't. Besides, what +business had Kitey to say anything about Bagnigge Vells? a hass!--Now, +perhaps, you'll favour me with some supper." + +"Certainly," replied Mr. Jorrocks, patting Jemmy approvingly on the +head--"you deserve some. It's only no song, no supper, and you've +been singing like a nightingale;" thereupon they set to with vigorous +determination. + +A bright Sunday dawned, and the beach at an early hour was crowded with +men in dressing-gowns of every shape, hue, and material, with buff +slippers--the "regulation Margate shoeing," both for men and women. As +the hour of eleven approached, and the church bells began to ring, the +town seemed to awaken suddenly from a trance, and bonnets the most +superb, and dresses the most extravagant, poured forth from lodgings +the most miserable. Having shaved and dressed himself with more than +ordinary care and attention, Mr. Jorrocks walked his friends off to +church, assuring them that no one need hope to prosper throughout the +week who did not attend it on the Sunday, and he marked his own devotion +throughout the service by drowning the clerk's voice with his responses. +After this spiritual ablution Mr. Jorrocks bethought himself of having a +bodily one in the sea; and the day being excessively hot, and the tide +about the proper mark, he pocketed a couple of towels out of his bedroom +and went away to bathe, leaving Green and the Yorkshireman to amuse +themselves at the "White Hart." + +This house, as we have already stated, faces the harbour, and is a +corner one, running a considerable way up the next street, with a side +door communicating, as well as the front one, with the coffee-room. +This room differs from the generality of coffee-rooms, inasmuch as the +windows range the whole length of the room, and being very low they +afford every facility for the children and passers-by to inspect the +interior. Whether this is done to show the Turkey carpet, the pea-green +cornices, the bright mahogany slips of tables, the gay trellised +geranium-papered room, or the aristocratic visitors who frequent it, is +immaterial--the description is as accurate as if George Robins had drawn +it himself. In this room then, as the Yorkshireman and Green were lying +dozing on three chairs apiece, each having fallen asleep to avoid the +trouble of talking to the other, they were suddenly roused by loud yells +and hootings at the side door, and the bursting into the coffee-room of +what at first brush they thought must be a bull. The Yorkshireman jumped +up, rubbed his eyes, and lo! before him stood Mr. Jorrocks, puffing like +a stranded grampus, with a bunch of sea-weed under his arm and the +dress in which he had started, with the exception of the dark blue +stocking-net pantaloons, the place of which were supplied by a flowing +white linen kilt, commonly called a shirt, in the four corners of which +were knotted a few small pebbles--producing, with the Hessian boots and +one thing and another, the most laughable figure imaginable. The blood +of the Jorrockses was up, however, and throwing his hands in the air, he +thus delivered himself. "Oh gentlemen! gentlemen!--here's a lamentable +occurrence--a terrible disaster--oh dear! oh dear!--I never thought I +should come to this. You know, James Green," appealing to Jemmy, "that +I never was the man to raise a blush on the cheek of modesty; I have +always said that 'want of decency is want of sense,' and see how I +am rewarded! Oh dear! oh dear! that I should ever have trusted my +pantaloons out of my sight." While all this, which was the work of a +moment, was going forward, the mob, which had been shut out at the side +door on Jorrocks's entry, had got round to the coffee-room window, +and were all wedging their faces in to have a sight of him. It was +principally composed of children, who kept up the most discordant yells, +mingled with shouts of "there's old cutty shirt!"--"who's got your +breeches, old cock?"--"make a scramble!"--"turn him out for another +hunt!"--"turn him again!"--until, fearing for the respectability of his +house, the landlord persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to retire into the bar to +state his grievances. It then appeared that having travelled along the +coast, as far as the first preventive stationhouse on the Ramsgate side +of Margate, the grocer had thought it a convenient place for performing +his intended ablutions, and, accordingly, proceeded to do what all +people of either sex agree upon in such cases--namely to divest himself +of his garments; but before he completed the ceremony, observing some +females on the cliffs above, and not being (as he said) a man "to raise +a blush on the cheek of modesty," he advanced to the water's edge in his +aforesaid unmentionables, and forgetting that it was not yet high tide, +he left them there, when they were speedily covered, and the pockets +being full of silver and copper, of course they were "swamped." After +dabbling about in the water and amusing himself with picking up sea-weed +for about ten minutes, Mr. Jorrocks was horrified, on returning to the +spot where he thought he had left his stocking-net pantaloons, to find +that they had disappeared; and after a long fruitless search, the +unfortunate gentleman was compelled to abandon the pursuit, and render +himself an object of chase to all the little boys and girls who chose to +follow him into Margate on his return without them. + +Jorrocks, as might be expected, was very bad about his loss, and could +not get over it--it stuck in his gizzard, he said--and there it seemed +likely to remain. In vain Mr. Creed offered him a pair of trousers--he +never had worn a pair. In vain he asked for the loan of a pair of white +cords and top-boots, or even drab shorts and continuations. Mr. Creed +was no sportsman, and did not keep any. The bellman could not cry the +lost unmentionables because it was Sunday, and even if they should be +found on the ebbing of the tide, they would take no end of time to dry. +Mr. Jorrocks declared his pleasure at an end, and forthwith began making +inquiries as to the best mode of getting home. The coaches were all +gone, steamboats there were none, save for every place but London, and +posting, he said, was "cruelly expensive." In the midst of his dilemma, +"Boots," who is always the most intelligent man about an inn, popped in +his curly head, and informed Mr. Jorrocks that the Unity hoy, a most +commodious vessel, neat, trim, and water-tight, manned by his own +maternal uncle, was going to cut away to London at three o'clock, and +would land him before he could say "Jack Robinson." Mr. Jorrocks jumped +at the offer, and forthwith attiring himself in a pair of Mr. Creed's +loose inexpressibles, over which he drew his Hessian boots, he tucked +the hamper containing the knuckle of veal and other etceteras under one +arm, and the bunch of sea-weed he had been busy collecting, instead of +watching his clothes, under the other, and, followed by his friends, +made direct for the vessel. + +Everybody knows, or ought to know, what a hoy is--it is a large +sailing-boat, sometimes with one deck, sometimes with none; and the +Unity, trading in bulky goods, was of the latter description, though +there was a sort of dog-hole at the stern, which the master dignified +by the name of a "state cabin," into which he purposed putting Mr. +Jorrocks, if the weather should turn cold before they arrived. The wind, +however, he said, was so favourable, and his cargo--"timber and fruit," +as he described it, that is to say, broomsticks and potatoes--so light, +that he warranted landing him at Blackwall at least by ten o'clock, +where he could either sleep, or get a short stage or an omnibus on to +Leadenhall Street. The vessel looked anything but tempting, neither was +the captain's appearance prepossessing, still Mr. Jorrocks, all things +considered, thought he would chance it; and depositing his hamper and +sea-weed, and giving special instructions about having his pantaloons +cried in the morning--recounting that besides the silver, and +eighteen-pence in copper, there was a steel pencil-case with "J.J." +on the seal at the top, an anonymous letter, and two keys--he took an +affectionate leave of his friends, and stepped on board, the vessel was +shoved off and stood out to sea. + +Monday morning drew the cockneys from their roosts betimes, to take +their farewell splash and dive in the sea. As the day advanced, the +bustle and confusion on the shore and in the town increased, and +everyone seemed on the move. The ladies paid their last visits to the +bazaars and shell shops, and children extracted the last ounce of +exertion from the exhausted leg-weary donkeys. Meanwhile the lords of +the creation strutted about, some in dressing-gowns, others, "full +puff," with bags and boxes under their arms--while sturdy porters were +wheeling barrows full of luggage to the jetty. The bell-man went round +dressed in a blue and red cloak, with a gold hatband. Ring-a-ding, +ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong, went the bell, and the gaping cockneys +congregated around. He commenced--"To be sould in the market-place a +quantity of fresh ling." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The _Royal +Adelaide_, fast and splendid steam-packet, Capt. Whittingham, will leave +the pier this morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers +at London Bridge Steam-packet Wharf--fore cabin fares and children four +shillings--saloon five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "The +superb and splendid steam-packet, the _Magnet_, will leave the pier this +morning at nine o'clock precisely, and land the passengers at the St. +Catherine Docks--fore-cabin fares and children four shillings--saloon +five shillings." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost at the back of +James Street--a lady's black silk--black lace wale--whoever has found +the same, and will bring it to the cryer, shall receive one shilling +reward." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost, last night, between the +jetty and the York Hotel, a little boy, as answers to the name of Spot, +whoever has found the same, and will bring him to the cryer, shall +receive a reward of half-a-crown." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: +"Lost, stolen, or strayed, or otherwise conveyed, a brown-and-white King +Charles's setter as answers to the name of Jacob Jones. Whoever has +found the same, or will give such information as shall lead to the +detection and conversion of the offender or offenders shall be +handsomely rewarded." Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, dong: "Lost below the +prewentive sarvice station by a gentleman of great respectability--a +pair of blue knit pantaloons, containing eighteen penny-worth of +copper--a steel pencil-case--a werry anonymous letter, and two keys. +Whoever will bring the same to the cryer shall receive a reward.--_God +save the King!"_ + +Then, as the hour of nine approached, what a concourse appeared! There +were fat and lean, and short and tall, and middling, going away, and fat +and lean, and short and tall, and middling, waiting to see them off; +Green, as usual, making himself conspicuous, and canvassing everyone he +could lay hold of for the _Magnet_ steamer. At the end of the jetty, on +each side, lay the _Royal Adelaide_ and the _Magnet_, with as fierce a +contest for patronage as ever was witnessed. Both decks were crowded +with anxious faces--for the Monday's steamboat race is as great an event +as a Derby, and a cockney would as lieve lay on an outside horse as +patronise a boat that was likely to let another pass her. Nay, so +high is the enthusiasm carried, that books are regularly made on the +occasion, and there is as much clamour for bets as in the ring at +Epsom or Newmarket. "Tomkins, I'll lay you a dinner--for three--_Royal +Adelaide_ against the _Magnet_," bawled Jenkins from the former boat. +"Done," cries Tomkins. "The _Magnet_ for a bottle of port," bawled out +another. "A whitebait dinner for two, the _Magnet_ reaches Greenwich +first." "What should you know about the _Magnet_?" inquires the mate +of the _Royal Adelaide_. "Vy, I think I should know something about +nauticals too, for Lord St. Wincent was my godfather." "I'll bet five +shillings on the _Royal Adelaide."_ "I'll take you," says another. "I'll +bet a bottom of brandy on the _Magnet_," roars out the mate. "Two goes +of Hollands', the _Magnet's_ off Herne Bay before the _Royal Adelaide."_ +"I'll lay a pair of crimping-irons against five shillings, the _Magnet_ +beats the _Royal Adelaide_," bellowed out Green, who having come on +board, had mounted the paddle-box. "I say, Green, I'll lay you an even +five if you like." "Well, five pounds," cries Green. "No, shillings," +says his friend. "Never bet in shillings," replies Green, pulling up his +shirt collar. "I'll bet fifty pounds," he adds,-getting valiant. "I'll +bet a hundred ponds--a thousand pounds--a million pounds--half the +National Debt, if you like." + +Precisely as the jetty clock finishes striking nine, the ropes are +slipped, and the rival steamers stand out to sea with beautiful +precision, amid the crying, the kissing of hands, the raising of hats, +the waving of handkerchiefs, from those who are left for the week, while +the passengers are cheered by adverse tunes from the respective bands on +board. The _Magnet_, having the outside, gets the breeze first hand, but +the _Royal Adelaide_ keeps well alongside, and both firemen being deeply +interested in the event, they boil up a tremendous gallop, without +either being able to claim the slightest advantage for upwards of an +hour and a half, when the _Royal Adelaide_ manages to shoot ahead for +a few minutes, amid the cheers and exclamations of her crew. The +_Magnet's_ fireman, however, is on the alert, and a few extra pokes of +the fire presently bring the boats together again, in which state they +continue, nose and nose, until the stiller water of the side of the +Thames favours the _Magnet_, and she shoots ahead amid the cheers and +vociferations of her party, and is not neared again during the voyage. + +This excitement over, the respective crews sink into a sort of +melancholy sedateness, and Green in vain endeavours to kick up a +quadrille. The men were exhausted and the women dispirited, and +altogether they were a very different set of beings to what they were +on the Saturday. Dull faces and dirty-white ducks were the order of the +day. + +The only incident of the voyage was, that on approaching the mouth +of the Medway, the _Royal Adelaide_ was hailed by a vessel, and the +Yorkshireman, on looking overboard, was shocked to behold Mr. Jorrocks +sitting in the stern of his hoy in the identical position he had taken +up the previous day, with his bunch of sea-weed under his elbow, and the +remains of the knuckle of veal, ham, and chicken, spread on the hamper +before him. "Stop her?" cried the Yorkshireman, and then hailing Mr. +Jorrocks he holloaed out, "In the name of the prophet, Figs, what are +you doing there?" "Oh, gentlemen! gentlemen!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, +brightening up as he recognised the boat, "take compassion on a most +misfortunate indiwidual--here have I been in this 'orrid 'oy, ever since +three o'clock yesterday afternoon and here I seem likely to end my +days--for blow me tight if I couldn't swim as fast as it goes." "Look +sharp, then," cried the mate of the steamer, "and chuck us up your +luggage." Up went the sea-weed, the hamper, and Mr. Jorrocks; and before +the hoyman awoke out of a nap, into which he had composed himself on +resigning the rudder to his lad, our worthy citizen was steaming away a +mile before his vessel, bilking him of his fare. + +Who does not recognise in this last disaster, the truth of the old +adage? + + "Most haste, least speed." + + + +VIII. THE ROAD: ENGLISH AND FRENCH. + +"Jorrocks's France, in three wolumes, would sound werry well," observed +our worthy citizen, one afternoon, to his confidential companion the +Yorkshireman, as they sat in the veranda in Coram Street, eating red +currants and sipping cold whiskey punch; "and I thinks I could make +something of it. They tells me that at the 'west end' the booksellers +will give forty pounds for anything that will run into three wolumes, +and one might soon pick up as much matter as would stretch into that +quantity." + +The above observation was introduced in a long conversation between Mr. +Jorrocks and his friend, relative to an indignity that had been offered +him by the rejection by the editor of a sporting periodical of a long +treatise on eels, which, independently of the singularity of diction, +had become so attenuated in the handling, as to have every appearance of +filling three whole numbers of the work; and Mr. Jorrocks had determined +to avenge the insult by turning author on his own account. The +Yorkshireman, ever ready for amusement, cordially supported Mr. Jorrocks +in his views, and a bargain was soon struck between them, the main +stipulations of which were, that Mr. Jorrocks should find cash, and the +Yorkshireman should procure information. + +Accordingly, on the Saturday after, the nine o'clock Dover heavy drew up +at the "Bricklayers' Arms," with Mr. Jorrocks on the box seat, and the +Yorkshireman imbedded among the usual heterogeneous assembly--soldiers, +sailors, Frenchmen, fishermen, ladies' maids, and footmen--that compose +the cargo of these coaches. Here they were assailed with the usual +persecution from the tribe of Israel, in the shape of a hundred +merchants, proclaiming the virtues of their wares; one with black-lead +pencils, twelve a shilling, with an invitation to "cut 'em and try 'em"; +another with a good pocket-knife, "twelve blades and saw, sir"; a third, +with a tame squirrel and a piping bullfinch, that could whistle _God +save the King_ and the _White Cockade_--to be given for an old coat. +"Buy a silver guard-chain for your vatch, sir!" cried a dark eyed +urchin, mounting the fore-wheel, and holding a bunch of them in Mr. +Jorrocks's face; "buy pocket-book, memorandum-book!" whined another. +"Keepsake--Forget-me-not--all the last year's annuals at half-price!" +"Sponge cheap, sponge! take a piece, sir--take a piece." "Patent leather +straps." "Barcelona nuts. Slippers. _Morning Hurl (Herald)._ Rhubarb. +'Andsome dog-collar, sir, cheap!--do to fasten your wife up with!" + +"Stand clear, ye warmints!" cries the coachman, elbowing his way among +them--and, remounting the box, he takes the whip and reins out of Mr. +Jorrocks's hands, cries "All right behind? sit tight!" and off they go. + +The day was fine, and the hearts of all seemed light and gay. The coach, +though slow, was clean and smart, the harness bright and well-polished, +while the sleek brown horses poked their heads about at ease, without +the torture of the bearing-rein. The coachman, like his vehicle, was +heavy, and had he been set on all fours, a party of six might have eat +off his back. Thus they proceeded at a good steady substantial sort of +pace; trotting on level ground, walking up hills, and dragging down +inclines. Nor among the whole party was there a murmur of discontent at +the pace. Most of the passengers seemed careless which way they went, so +long as they did but move, and they rolled through the Garden of England +with the most stoical indifference. We know not whether it has ever +struck the reader, but the travellers by Dover coaches are less captious +about pace than those on most others. + +And now let us fancy our friends up, and down, Shooter's Hill, through +Dartford, Northfleet, and Gravesend--at which latter place, the first +foreign symptom appears, in words, "Poste aux Chevaux," on the door-post +of the inn; and let us imagine them bowling down Rochester Hill at a +somewhat amended pace, with the old castle, by the river Medway, the +towns of Chatham, Strood and Rochester full before them, and the finely +wooded country extending round in pleasing variety of hill and dale. +As they reach the foot of the hill, the guard commences a solo on his +bugle, to give notice to the innkeeper to have the coach dinner on the +table. All huddled together, inside and out, long passengers and short +ones, they cut across the bridge, rattle along the narrow street, +sparking the mud from the newly-watered streets on the shop windows and +passengers on each side, and pull up at the "Pig and Crossbow," with a +jerk and a dash as though they had been travelling at the rate of +twelve miles an hour. Two other coaches are "dining," while some few +passengers, whose "hour is not yet come," sit patiently on the roof, or +pace up and down the street with short and hurried turns, anxious to see +the horses brought out that are to forward them on their journey. And +what a commotion this new arrival creates! From the arched doorway of +the inn issue two chamber-maids, one in curls the other in a cap; Boots, +with both curls and a cap, and a ladder in his hand; a knock-kneed +waiter, with a dirty duster, to count noses, while the neat landlady, +in a spruce black silk gown and clean white apron, stands smirking, +smiling, and rubbing her hands down her sides, inveigling the passengers +into the house, where she will turn them over to the waiters to take +their chance the instant she gets them in. About the door the usual +idlers are assembled.--A coachman out of place, a beggar out at the +elbows, a sergeant in uniform, and three recruits with ribbons in their +hats; a captain with his boots cut for corns, the coachman that is to +drive to Dover, a youth in a straw hat and a rowing shirt, the little +inquisitive old man of the place--who sees all the midday coaches change +horses, speculates on the passengers and sees who the parcels are +for--and, though last but not least, Mr. Bangup, the "varmint" man, the +height of whose ambition is to be taken for a coachman. As the coach +pulled up, he was in the bar taking a glass of cold sherry "without" +and a cigar, which latter he brings out lighted in his mouth, with his +shaved white hat stuck knowingly on one side, and the thumbs of his +brown hands thrust into the arm-holes of his waistcoat, throwing back +his single breasted fancy buttoned green coat, and showing a cream +coloured cravat, fastened with a gold coach-and-four pin, which, with a +buff waistcoat and tight drab trousers buttoning over the boot, complete +his "toggery," as he would call it. His whiskers are large and riotous +in the extreme, while his hair is clipped as close as a charity +schoolboy's. The coachman and he are on the best of terms, as the +outward twist of their elbows and jerks of the head on meeting testify. +His conversation is short and slangy, accompanied with the correct nasal +twang. After standing and blowing a few puffs, during which time the +passengers have all alighted, and the coachman has got through the thick +of his business, he takes the cigar out of his mouth, and, spitting on +the flags, addresses his friend with, "Y've got the old near-side leader +back from Joe, I see." "Yes, Mr. Bangup, yes," replies his friend, "but +I had some work first--our gov'rnor was all for the change--at last, +says I to our 'osskeeper, says I, it arn't no use your harnessing that +'ere roan for me any more, for as how I von't drive him, so it's not to +no use harnessing of him, for I von't be gammon'd out of my team not by +none on them, therefore it arn't to never no use harnessing of him again +for me." "So you did 'em," observes Mr. Bangup. "Lord bless ye, yes! it +warn't to no use aggravising about it, for says I, I von't stand it, so +it warn't to no manner of use harnessing of him again for me." "Come, +Smith, what are you chaffing there about?" inquires the landlord, coming +out with the wide-spread way-bill in his hands, "have you two insides?" +"No, gov'rnor, I has but von, and that's precious empty, haw! haw! haw!" +"Well, but now get Brown to blow his horn early, and you help to hurry +the passengers away from my grub, and may be I'll give you your dinner +for your trouble," replies the landlord, reckoning he would save both +his meat and his horses by the experiment. "Ay, there goes the dinner!" +added he, just as Mr. Jorrocks's voice was heard inside the "Pig and +Crossbow," giving a most tremendous roar for his food.--"Pork at the +top, and pork at the bottom," the host observes to the waiter in +passing, "and mind, put the joints before the women--they are slow +carvers." + +While the foregoing scene was enacting outside, our travellers had been +driven through the passage into a little, dark, dingy room at the back +of the house, with a dirty, rain-bespattered window, looking against a +whitewashed blank wall. The table, which was covered with a thrice-used +cloth, was set out with lumps of bread, knives, and two and three +pronged forks laid alternately. Altogether it was anything but inviting, +but coach passengers are very complacent; and on the Dover road it +matters little if they are not. The bustle of preparation was soon over. +Coats No. 1, No. 2, and No. 3, are taken off in succession, for some +people wear top-coats to keep out the "heat"; chins are released from +their silken jeopardy, hats are hid in corners, and fur caps thrust +into pockets of the owners. Inside passengers eye outside ones with +suspicion, while a deaf gentleman, who has left his trumpet in the +coach, meets an acquaintance whom he has not seen for seven years, +and can only shake hands and grin to the movements of the lips of the +speaker. "You find it very warm inside, I should think, sir?" "Thank +ye, thank ye, my good friend; I'm rayther deaf, but I presume you're +inquiring after my wife and daughters--they are very well, I thank ye." +"Where will you sit at dinner?" rejoins the first speaker, in hopes of a +more successful hit. "It is two years since I saw him." "No; where +will you sit, sir? I said." "Oh, John? I beg your pardon--I'm rayther +deaf--he's in Jamaica with his regiment." "Come, waiter, BRING DINNER!" +roared Mr. Jorrocks, at the top of his voice, being the identical shout +that was heard outside, and presently the two dishes of pork, a couple +of ducks, and a lump of half-raw, sadly mangled, cold roast beef, with +waxy potatoes and overgrown cabbages, were scattered along the table. +"What a beastly dinner!" exclaims an inside dandy, in a sable-collared +frock-coat--"the whole place reeks with onions and vulgarity. Waiter, +bring me a silver fork!" "Allow me to duck you, ma'am?" inquires an +outside passenger, in a facetious tone, of a female in a green silk +cloak, as he turns the duck over in the dish. "Thank you, sir, but I've +some pork coming." "Will you take some of this thingumbob?" turning a +questionable-looking pig's countenance over in its pewter bed. "You are +in considerable danger, my friend--you are in considerable danger," +drawls forth the superfine insider to an outsider opposite. "How's +that?" inquires the former in alarm. "Why, you are eating with your +knife, and you are in considerable danger of cutting your mouth".--What +is the matter at the far end of the table?--a lady in russet brown, with +a black velvet bonnet and a feather, in convulsions. "She's choking by +Jove! hit her on the back--gently, gently--she's swallowed a fish-bone." +"I'll lay five to two she dies," cries Mr. Bolus, the sporting doctor of +Sittingbourne. She coughs--up comes a couple of tooth-picks, she having +drunk off a green glass of them in mistake. + +"Now hark'e, waiter! there's the guard blowing his horn, and we have +scarcely had a bite apiece," cries Mr. Jorrocks, as that functionary +sounded his instrument most energetically in the passage; "blow me +tight, if I stir before the full half-hour's up, so he may blow till +he's black in the face." "Take some cheese, sir?" inquires the waiter. +"No, surely not, some more pork, and then some tarts". "Sorry, sir, +we have no tarts we can recommend. Cheese is partiklar good." [Enter +coachman, peeled down to a more moderate-sized man.] + +"Leaves ye here, if you please, sur." "With all my heart, my good +friend." "Please to remember the coachman--driv ye thirty miles." "Yes, +but you'll recollect how saucy you were about my wife's bonnet-box +there's sixpence between us for you." "Oh, sur! I'm sure I didn't mean +no unpurliteness. I 'opes you'll forget it; it was werry aggravising, +certainly, but driv ye thirty miles. 'Opes you'll give a trifle more, +thirty miles." "No, no, no more; so be off." "Please to remember the +coachman, ma'am, thirty miles!" "Leaves ye here, sir, if you please; +goes no further, sir; thirty miles, ma'am; all the vay from Lunnun, +sir." + +A loud flourish on the bugle caused the remainder of the gathering to +be made in dumb show, and having exhausted his wind, the guard squeezed +through the door, and, with an extremely red face, assured the company +that "time was hup" and the "coach quite ready." Then out came the +purses, brown, green, and blue, with the usual inquiry, "What's dinner, +waiter?" "Two and six, dinner, beer, three,--two and nine yours," +replied the knock-kneed caitiff to the first inquirer, pushing +a blue-and-white plate under his nose; "yours is three and six, +ma'am;--two glasses of brandy-and-water, four shillings, if you please +sir--a bottle of real Devonshire cider."--"You must change me a +sovereign," handing one out. "Certainly, sir," upon which the waiter, +giving it a loud ring upon the table, ran out of the room. "Now, +gentlemen and ladies! pray, come, time's hup--carn't wait--must +go"--roars the guard, as the passengers shuffle themselves into their +coats, cloaks, and cravats, and Joe "Boots" runs up the passage with the +ladder for the lady. "Now, my dear Mrs. Sprat, good-bye.--God bless you, +and remember me most kindly to your husband and dear little ones --and +pray, write soon," says an elderly lady, as she hugs and kisses a +youngish one at the door, who has been staying with her for a week, +during which time they have quarrelled regularly every night. "Have you +all your things, dearest? three boxes, five parcels, an umbrella, a +parasol, the cage for Tommy's canary, and the bundle in the red silk +handkerchief--then good-bye, my beloved, step up--and now, Mr. Guard, +you know where to set her down." "Good-bye, dearest Mrs. Jackson, all +right, thank you," replies Mrs. Sprat, stepping up the ladder, and +adjusting herself in the gammon board opposite the guard, the seat the +last comer generally gets.--"But stay! I've forgot my reticule--it's on +the drawers in the bedroom--stop, coachman! I say, guard!" "Carn't wait, +ma'am--time's hup"--and just at this moment a two-horse coach is +heard stealing up the street, upon which the coachman calls to the +horse-keepers to "stand clear with their cloths, and take care no one +pays them twice over," gives a whistling hiss to his leaders, the double +thong to his wheelers, and starts off at a trot, muttering something +about, "cuss'd pair-'oss coach,--convict-looking passengers," observing +confidentially to Mr. Jorrocks, as he turned the angle of the street, +"that he would rather be hung off a long stage, than die a natural death +on a short one," while the guard drowns the voices of the lady who has +left her reticule, and of the gentleman who has got no change for his +sovereign, in a hearty puff of: + + Rule Britannia,--Britannia rule the waves. + Britons, never, never, never, shall be slaves! + +Blithely and merrily, like all coach passengers after feeding, our +party rolled steadily along, with occasional gibes at those they met or +passed, such as telling waggoners their linch-pins were out; carters' +mates, there were nice pocket-knives lying on the road; making urchins +follow the coach for miles by holding up shillings and mock parcels; or +simple equestrians dismount in a jiffy on telling them their horses' +shoes were not all on "before." [19] Towards the decline of the day, +Dover heights appeared in view, with the stately castle guarding the +Channel, which seen through the clear atmosphere of an autumnal evening, +with the French coast conspicuous in the distance, had more the +appearance of a wide river than a branch of the sea. + +[Footnote 19: This is more of a hunting-field joke than a road one. "Have +I all my shoes on?" "They are not all on before."] + +The coachman mended his pace a little, as he bowled along the gentle +descents or rounded the base of some lofty hill, and pulling up at +Lydden took a glass of soda-water and brandy, while four strapping +greys, with highly-polished, richly-plated harness, and hollyhocks +at their heads, were put to, to trot the last few miles into Dover. +Paying-time being near, the guard began to do the amiable--hoped Mrs. +Sprat had ridden comfortable; and the coachman turned to the gentleman +whose sovereign was left behind to assure him he would bring his change +the next day, and was much comforted by the assurance that he was on his +way to Italy for the winter. As the coach approached Charlton Gate, the +guard flourished his bugle and again struck up _Rule Britannia_, which +lasted the whole breadth of the market-place, and length of Snargate +Street, drawing from Mr. Muddle's shop the few loiterers who yet +remained, and causing Mr. Le Plastrier, the patriotic moth-impaler, to +suspend the examination of the bowels of a watch, as they rattled past +his window. + +At the door of the "Ship Hotel" the canary-coloured coach of Mr. Wright, +the landlord, with four piebald horses, was in waiting for him to take +his evening drive, and Mrs. Wright's pony phaeton, with a neat tiger in +a blue frock-coat and leathers, was also stationed behind to convey +her a few miles on the London road. Of course the equipages of such +important personages could not be expected to move for a common +stage-coach, consequently it pulled up a few yards from the door. It is +melancholy to think that so much spirit should have gone unrewarded, +or in other words, that Mr. Wright should have gone wrong in his +affairs.--Mrs. Ramsbottom said she never understood the meaning of the +term, "The Crown, and Bill of Rights (Wright's)," until she went to +Rochester. Many people, we doubt not, retain a lively recollection of +the "bill of Wright's of Dover." But to our travellers. + +"Now, sir! this be Dover, that be the Ship, I be the coachman, and +we goes no further," observed the amphibious-looking coachman, in a +pea-jacket and top-boots, to Mr. Jorrocks, who still kept his seat on +the box, as if he expected, that because they booked people "through +to Paris," at the coach office in London, that the vehicle crossed the +Channel and conveyed them on the other side. At this intimation, Mr. +Jorrocks clambered down, and was speedily surrounded by touts and +captains of vessels soliciting his custom. "_Bonjour,_ me Lor'," said +a gaunt French sailor in ear-rings, and a blue-and-white jersey shirt, +taking off a red nightcap with mock politeness, "you shall be cross." +"What's that about?" inquires Mr. Jorrocks--"cross! what does the chap +mean?" "Ten shillin', just, me Lor'," replied the man. "Cross for ten +shillings," muttered Mr. Jorrocks, "vot does the Mouncheer mean? Hope he +hasn't picked my pocket." "I--you--vill," said the sailor slowly, using +his fingers to enforce his meaning, "take to France," pointing south, +"for ten shillin' in my _bateau_, me Lor," continued the sailor, with +a grin of satisfaction as he saw Mr. Jorrocks began to comprehend +him. "Ah! I twig--you'll take me across the water." said our citizen +chuckling at the idea of understanding French and being called a +Lord--"for ten shillings--half-sovereign in fact." "Don't go with him, +sir," interrupted a Dutch-built English tar; "he's got nothing but a +lousy lugger that will be all to-morrow in getting over, if it ever gets +at all; and the _Royal George_, superb steamer, sails with a King's +Messenger and dispatches for all the foreign courts at half-past ten, +and must be across by twelve, whether it can or not." "Please take a +card for the _Brocklebank_--quickest steamer out of Dover--wind's made +expressly to suit her, and she can beat the _Royal George_ like winking. +Passengers never sick in the most uproarious weather," cried another +tout, running the corner of his card into Mr. Jorrocks's eye to engage +his attention. Then came the captain of the French mail-packet, who was +dressed much like a new policeman, with an embroidered collar to his +coat, and a broad red band round a forage cap which he raised with +great politeness, as he entreated Mr. Jorrocks's patronage of his +high-pressure engine, "vich had beat a balloon, and vod take him for +half less than noting." A crowd collected, in the centre of which stood +Mr. Jorrocks perfectly unmoved, with his wig awry and his carpet-bag +under his arm. "Gentlemen," said he, extending his right hand, "you +seem to me to be desperately civil--your purliteness appears to know no +bounds--but, to be candid with you, I beg to say that whoever will carry +me across the herring pond cheapest shall have my custom, so now +begin and bid downwards." "Nine shillings," said an Englishman +directly--"eight" replied a Frenchman--"seven and sixpence"--"seven +shillings"--"six and sixpence"--"six shillings"--"five and sixpence"; at +last it came down to five shillings, at which there were two bidders, +the French captain and the tout of the _Royal George_,--and Mr. +Jorrocks, like a true born Briton, promised his patronage to the latter, +at which the Frenchmen shrugged up their shoulders, and burst out +a-laughing, one calling him, "my Lor' Ros-bif," and the other "Monsieur +God-dem," as they walked off in search of other victims. + +None but the natives of Dover can tell what the weather is, unless the +wind comes directly off the sea, and it was not until Mr. Jorrocks +proceeded to embark after breakfast the next morning, that he +ascertained there was a heavy swell on, so quiet had the heights kept +the gambols of Boreas. Three steamers were simmering into action on +the London-hotel side of the harbour, in one of which--the _Royal +George_--two britzkas and a barouche were lashed ready for sea, while +the custom-house porters were trundling barrows full of luggage +under the personal superintendence of a little shock-headed French +commissionnaire of Mr. Wright's in a gold-laced cap, and the other +gentry of the same profession from the different inns. As the _Royal +George_ lay nearly level with the quay, Mr. Jorrocks stepped on board +without troubling himself to risk his shins among the steps of a ladder +that was considerately thrust into the place of embarkation; and as soon +as he set foot upon deck, of course he was besieged by the usual myriad +of land sharks. First came Monsieur the Commissionnaire with his book, +out of which he enumerated two portmanteaus and two carpet-bags, for +each of which he made a specific charge leaving his own gratuity +optional with his employer; then came Mr. Boots to ask for something for +showing them the way; after him the porter of the inn for carrying their +cloaks and great-coats, all of which Mr. Jorrocks submitted to, most +philosophically, but when the interpreter of the deaf and dumb ladder +man demanded something for the use of the ladder, his indignation got +the better of him and he exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all on +deck, "Surely you wouldn't charge a man for what he has not enjoyed!" + +A voyage is to many people like taking an emetic--they look at the +medicine and wish it well over, and look at the sea and wish themselves +well over. Everything looked bright and gay at Dover--the cliffs seemed +whiter than ever--the sailors had on clean trousers, and the few people +that appeared in the streets were dressed in their Sunday best. The +cart-horses were seen feeding leisurely on the hills, and there was a +placid calmness about everything on shore, which the travellers would +fain have had extended to the sea. They came slowly and solemnly upon +deck, muffled up in cloaks and coats, some with their passage money in +their hands, and took their places apparently with the full expectation +of being sick. + +The French packet-boat first gave symptoms of animation, in the shape +of a few vigorous puffs from the boiler, which were responded to by the +_Royal George_, whose rope was slipped without the usual tinkle of the +bell, and she shot out to sea, closely followed by the Frenchman, who +was succeeded by the other English boat. Three or four tremendous long +protracted dives, each followed by a majestic rise on the bosom of the +waves, denoted the crossing of the bar; and just as the creaking of the +cordage, the flapping of the sails, and the nervous quivering of the +paddles, as they lost their hold of the water, were in full vigour, the +mate crossed the deck with a large white basin in his hand, the sight of +which turned the stomachs of half the passengers. Who shall describe the +misery that ensued? The groans and moans of the sufferers, increasing +every minute, as the vessel heaved and dived, and rolled and creaked, +while hand-basins multiplied as half-sick passengers caught the green +countenance and fixed eye of some prostrate sufferer and were overcome +themselves. + +Mr. Jorrocks, what with his Margate trips, and a most substantial +breakfast of beef-steaks and porter, tea, eggs, muffins, prawns, and +fried ham, held out as long as anybody--indeed, at one time the odds +were that he would not be sick at all; and he kept walking up and down +deck like a true British tar. In one of his turns he was observed to +make a full stop.--Immediately before the boiler his eye caught a +cadaverous-looking countenance that rose between the top of a blue +camlet cloak, and the bottom of a green travelling-cap, with a large +patent-leather peak; he was certain that he knew it, and, somehow or +other, he thought, not favourably. The passenger was in that happy mood +just debating whether he should hold out against sickness any longer, +or resign himself unreservedly to its horrors, when Mr. Jorrocks's eye +encountered his, and the meeting did not appear to contribute to his +happiness. Mr. Jorrocks paused and looked at him steadily for some +seconds, during which time his thoughts made a rapid cast over his +memory. "Sergeant Bumptious, by gum!" exclaimed he, giving his thigh +a hearty slap, as the deeply indented pock-marks on the learned +gentleman's face betrayed his identity. "Sergeant," said he, going up to +him, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye--may be in the course of your practice +at Croydon you've heard that there are more times than one to catch a +thief." "Who are you?" inquired the sergeant with a growl, just at which +moment the boat gave a roll, and he wound up the inquiry by a donation +to the fishes. "Who am I?" replied Mr. Jorrocks, as soon as he was done, +"I'll soon tell ye that--I'm Mr. JORROCKS! Jorrocks wersus Cheatum, in +fact--now that you have got your bullying toggery off, I'll be 'appy to +fight ye either by land or sea." "Oh-h-h-h!" groaned the sergeant at the +mention of the latter word, and thereupon he put his head over the boat +and paid his second subscription. Mr. Jorrocks stood eyeing him, and +when the sergeant recovered, he observed with apparent mildness and +compassion, "Now, my dear sergeant, to show ye that I can return good +for evil, allow me to fatch you a nice 'ot mutton chop!" "Oh-h-h-h-h!" +groaned the sergeant, as though he would die. "Or perhaps you'd prefer +a cut of boiled beef with yellow fat, and a dab of cabbage?" an +alternative which was too powerful for the worthy citizen himself--for, +like Sterne with his captive, he had drawn a picture that his own +imagination could not sustain--and, in attempting to reach the side +of the boat, he cascaded over the sergeant, and they rolled over each +other, senseless and helpless upon deck. + +"Mew, mew," screamed the seagulls;--"creak, creak," went the +cordage;--"flop, flop," went the sails; round went the white basins, and +the steward with the mop; and few passengers would have cared to have +gone overboard, when, at the end of three hours' misery, the captain +proclaimed that they were running into still water off Boulogne. This +intimation was followed by the collection of the passage money by the +mate, and the jingling of a tin box by the steward, under the noses of +the party, for perquisites for the crew. Jorrocks and the sergeant +lay together like babes in the wood until they were roused by this +operation, when, with a parting growl at his companion, Mr. Jorrocks got +up; and though he had an idea in his own mind that a man had better live +abroad all his life than encounter such misery as he had undergone, for +the purpose of returning to England, he recollected his intended work +upon France, and began to make his observations upon the town of +Boulogne, towards which the vessel was rapidly steaming. "Not half so +fine as Margate," said he; "the houses seem all afraid of the sea, and +turn their ends to it instead of fronting it, except yon great white +place, which I suppose is the baths"; and, taking his hunting telescope +out of his pocket, he stuck out his legs and prepared to make an +observation. "How the people are swarming down to see us!" he exclaimed. +"I see such a load of petticoats--glad Mrs. J---- ain't with us; may +have some fun here, I guess. Dear me, wot lovely women! wot ankles! beat +the English, hollow--would give something to be a single man!" While he +made these remarks, the boat ran up the harbour in good style, to the +evident gratification of the multitude who lined the pier from end to +end, and followed her in her passage. "Ease her! stop her!" at last +cried the captain, as she got opposite a low wooden guard-house, midway +down the port. A few strokes of the paddles sent her up to the quay, +some ropes were run from each end of the guard-house down to the boat, +within which space no one was admitted except about a dozen soldiers or +custom-house officers--in green coats, white trousers, black sugar-loaf +"caps," and having swords by their sides--and some thick-legged +fisherwomen, with long gold ear-rings, to lower the ladder for +disembarkation. The idlers, that is to say, all the inhabitants of +Boulogne, range themselves outside the ropes on foot, horseback, in +carriages, or anyhow, to take the chance of seeing someone they know, +to laugh at the melancholy looks of those who have been sick, and to +criticise the company, who are turned into the guarded space like a +flock of sheep before them. + +Mr. Jorrocks, having scaled the ladder, gave himself a hearty and +congratulatory shake on again finding himself on terra firma, and +sticking his hat jauntily on one side, as though he didn't know what +sea-sickness was, proceeded to run his eye along the spectators on one +side of the ropes; when presently he was heard to exclaim, "My vig, +there's Thompson! He owes us a hundred pounds, and has been doing +these three years." And thereupon he bolted up to a fine looking young +fellow--with mustachios, in a hussar foraging cap stuck on one side of +his head, dressed in a black velvet shooting-jacket, and with half a +jeweller's shop about him in the way of chains, brooches, rings and +buttons--who had brought a good-looking bay horse to bear with his chest +against the cords. "Thompson," said Mr. Jorrocks, in a firm tone of +voice, "how are you?" "How do ye do, Mister Jorrocks," drawled out the +latter, taking a cigar from his mouth, and puffing a cloud of smoke over +the grocer's head. "Well, I'm werry well, but I should like to have a +few moments' conversation with you." "Would ye?" said Thompson, blowing +another cloud. "Yes, I would; you remember that 'ere little bill you got +Simpkins to discount for you one day when I was absent; we have had it +by us a long time now, and it is about time you were taking it up." "You +think so, do you, Mister Jorrocks; can't you renew it? I'll give you a +draft on Aldgate pump for the amount." "Come, none of your funning with +me, I've had enough of your nonsense: give me my pewter, or I'll have +that horse from under you; for though it has got the hair rubbed off +its near knee, it will do werry well to carry me with the Surrey +occasionally." "You old fool," said Thompson, "you forget where you are; +if I could pay you your little bill, do you suppose I would be here? You +can't squeeze blood out of a turnip, can ye? But I'll tell you what, my +covey, if I can't give you satisfaction in money, you shall give me the +satisfaction of a gentleman, if you don't take care what you are about, +you old tinker. By Jove, I'll order pistols and coffee for two to-morrow +morning at Napoleon's column, and let the daylight through your carcass +if you utter another syllable about the bill. Why, now, you stare as +Balaam did at his ass, when he found it capable of holding an argument +with him!" + +And true enough, Jorrocks was dumbfounded at this sort of reply from a +creditor, it not being at all in accordance with the _Lex mercatoria_, +or law of merchants, and quite unknown on 'Change. Before, however, he +had time to recover his surprise, all the passengers having entered the +roped area, one of the green-coated gentry gave him a polite twist +by the coat-tail, and with a wave of the hand and bend of his body, +beckoned him to proceed with the crowd into the guard-house. After +passing an outer room, they entered the bureau by a door in the middle +of a wooden partition, where two men were sitting with pens ready to +enter the names of the arrivers in ledgers. + +"Votre nom et designation?" said one of them to Mr. Jorrocks--who, with +a bad start, had managed to squeeze in first--to which Mr. Jorrocks +shook his head. "Sare, what's your name, sare?" inquired the same +personage. "JORROCKS," was the answer, delivered with great emphasis, +and thereupon the secretary wrote "Shorrock." "--Monsieur Shorrock," +said he, looking up, "votre profession, Monsieur? Vot you are, sare?" "A +grocer," replied Mr. Jorrocks, which caused a titter from those behind +who meant to sink the shop. "Marchand-Epicier," wrote the bureau-keeper. +"Quel age avez-vous, Monsieur? How old you are, sare?" "Two pound +twelve," replied Mr. Jorrocks, surprised at his inquisitiveness. "No, +sare, not vot monnay you have, sare, hot old you are, sare." "Well, two +pound twelve, fifty-two in fact." Mr. Jorrocks was then passed out, +to take his chance among the touts and commissionaires of the +various hotels, who are enough to pull passengers to pieces in their +solicitations for custom. In Boulogne, however, no man with money is +ever short of friends; and Thompson having given the hint to two +or three acquaintances as he rode up street, there were no end of +broken-down sportsmen, levanters, and gentlemen who live on the interest +of what they owe other people, waiting to receive Mr. Jorrocks. The +greetings on their parts were most cordial and enthusiastic, and even +some who were in his books did not hesitate to hail him; the majority of +the party, however, was composed of those with whom he had at various +tunes and places enjoyed the sports of the field, but whom he had never +missed until they met at Boulogne. + +Their inquiries were business-like and familiar:--"are ye, Jorrocks?" +cried one, holding out both hands. "How are ye, my lad of wax? Do you +still play billiards?--Give you nine, and play you for a Nap." "Come +to my house this evening, old boy, and take a hand at whist for old +acquaintance sake," urged the friend on his left; "got some rare +cogniac, and a box of beautiful Havannahs." "No, Jorrocks,--dine with +me," said a third, "and play chicken-hazard." "Don't," said a fourth, +confidentially, "he'll fleece ye like fun". "Let me put your name +down to our Pigeon Club; only a guinea entrance and a guinea +subscription--nothing to a rich man like you." "Have you any coin to +lend on unexceptionable personal security, with a power of killing and +selling your man if he don't pay?" inquired another. "Are they going +to abolish the law of arrest? 'twould be very convenient if they did." +"Will you discount me a bill at three months?" "Is B---- out of the +Bench yet?" "Who do they call Nodding Homer in your hunt?" "Oh, +gentlemen, gentlemen!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, "go it gently, go it gently! +Consider the day is 'ot, I'm almost out of breath, and faint for want of +food. I've come all the way from Angle-tear, as we say in France, and +lost my breakfast on the wogaye. Where is there an inn where I can +recruit my famished frame? What's this?" looking up at a sign, "'Done a +boar in a manger,' what does this mean?--where's my French dictionary? +I've heard that boar is very good to eat." "Yes, but this boar is to +drink," said a friend on the right; "but you must not put up at a house +of that sort; come to the Hotel d'Orleans, where all the best fellows +and men of consequence go, a celebrated house in the days of the +Boulogne Hunt. Ah, that was the time, Mr. Jorrocks! we lived like +fighting-cocks then; you should have been among us, such a rollicking +set of dogs! could hunt all day, race maggots and drink claret all +night, and take an occasional by-day with the hounds on a Sunday. Can't +do that with the Surrey, I guess. There's the Hotel d'Orleans," pointing +to it as they turned the corner of the street; "splendid house it is. +I've no interest in taking you there, don't suppose so; but the sun of +its greatness is fast setting--there's no such shaking of elbows as +there used to be--the IOU system knocked that up. Still, you'll be very +comfortable; a bit of carpet by your bedside, curtains to your windows, +a pie-dish to wash in, a clean towel every third day, and as many +friends to dine with you as ever you like--no want of company in +Boulogne, I assure you. Here, Mr. W----," addressing the innkeeper who +appeared at the door, "this is the very celebrated Mr. Jorrocks, of whom +we have all heard so much,--take him and use him as you would your own +son; and, hark ye (aside), don't forget I brought him." + +"Garsoon," said Jorrocks, after having composed himself a little during +which time he was also composing a French speech from his dictionary +and Madame de Genlis's[20] _Manuel du Voyageur_, "A che hora [ora] si +pranza?" looking at the waiter, who seemed astonished. "Oh, stop!" said +he, looking again, "that's Italian--I've got hold of the wrong column. +A quelle heure dine--hang me if I know how to call this chap--dine +[spelling it], t'on?" "What were you wishing to say, sir?" inquired the +waiter, interrupting his display of the language. "Wot, do you speak +English?" asked Jorrocks in amazement. "I hope so, sir," replied the +man, "for I'm an Englishman." "Then, why the devil did you not say so, +you great lout, instead of putting me into a sweat this 'ot day +by speaking French to you?" "Beg pardon, sir, thought you were a +Frenchman." "Did you, indeed?" said Jorrocks, delighted; "then, by Jove, +I do speak French! Somehow or other I thought I could, as I came over. +Bring me a thundering beef-steak, and a pint of stout, directly!" The +Hotel d'Orleans being a regular roast-beef and plum-pudding sort of +house, Mr. Jorrocks speedily had an immense stripe of tough beef and +boiled potatoes placed before him, in the well-windowed _salle a +manger_, and the day being fine he regaled himself at a table at an open +window, whereby he saw the smart passers-by, and let them view him in +return. + +[Footnote 20: For the benefit of our "tarry-at-home" readers, we should +premise that Madame de Genlis's work is arranged for the convenience of +travellers who do not speak any language but their own; and it consists +of dialogues on different necessary subjects, with French and Italian +translations opposite the English.] + +Sunday is a gay day in France, and Boulogne equals the best town in +smartness. The shops are better set out, the women are better dressed, +and there is a holiday brightness and air of pleasure on every +countenance. Then instead of seeing a sulky husband trudging behind a +pouting wife with a child in her arms, an infallible sign of a Sunday +evening in England, they trip away to the rural _fete champetre_, where +with dancing, lemonade, and love, they pass away the night in temperate +if not innocent hilarity. "Happy people! that once a week, at least, +lay down their cares, and dance and sing, and sport away the weights of +grievance, which bow down the spirit of other nations to the earth." + +The voyage, though short, commenced a new era in Mr. Jorrocks's life, +and he entirely forget all about Sunday and Dover dullness the moment he +set foot on sprightly France, and he no more recollected it was Sunday, +than if such a day had ceased to exist in the calendar. Having bolted +his steak, he gave his Hessians their usual flop with his handkerchief, +combed his whiskers, pulled his wig straight, and sallied forth, +dictionary in hand, to translate the signs, admire the clever little +children talking French, quiz the horses, and laugh at everything +he didn't understand; to spend his first afternoon, in short, as +nine-tenths of the English who go "abroad" are in the habit of doing. + +Early the next morning. Mr. Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman, accompanied +by the commissionnaire of the Hotel d'Orleans, repaired to the upper +town, for the purpose of obtaining passports, and as they ascended the +steep street called La grand Rue, which connects the two towns, they +held a consultation as to what the former should be described. A +"Marchand-Epicier" would obtain Mr. Jorrocks no respect, but, then, he +objected to the word "Rentier." "What is the French for fox-'unter?" +said he, after a thoughtful pause, turning to his dictionary. There was +no such word. "Sportsman, then? Ay, Chasseur! how would that read? John +Jorrocks, Esq., Chasseur,--not bad, I think," said he. "That will do," +replied the Yorkshireman, "but you must sink the Esquire now, and +tack 'Monsieur' before your name, and a very pretty euphonious sound +'Monsieur Jorrocks' will have; and when you hear some of the little +Parisian grisettes lisp it out as you turn the garters over on their +counters, while they turn their dark flashing eyes over upon you, it +will be enough to rejuvenate your old frame. But suppose we add to +'Chasseur'--'Member of the Surrey Hunt?'" "By all means," replied +Mr. Jorrocks, delighted at the idea, and ascending the stairs of the +Consulate three steps at a time. + +The Consul, Mons. De Horter, was in attendance sitting in state, with +a gendarme at the door and his secretary at his elbow. "_Bonjour,_ +Monsieur," said he, bowing, as Mr. Jorrocks passed through the lofty +folding door; to which our traveller replied, "The top of the morning to +you, sir," thinking something of that sort would be right. The Consul, +having scanned him through his green spectacles, drew a large sheet of +thin printed paper from his portfolio, with the arms of France placed +under a great petticoat at the top, and proceeded to fill up a request +from his most Christian Majesty to all the authorities, both civil and +military, of France, and also of all the allied "pays," "de laisser +librement passer" Monsieur John Jorrocks, Chasseur and member of the +Hont de Surrey, and plusieurs other Honts; and also, Monsieur Stubbs, +native of Angleterre, going from Boulogne to Paris, and to give them aid +and protection, "en cas de besoin," all of which Mr. Jorrocks --like +many travellers before him--construed into a most flattering compliment +and mark of respect, from his most Christian Majesty to himself. + +Under the word "signalement" in the margin, the Consul also drew the +following sketch of our hero, in order, as Mr. Jorrocks supposed, that +the King of the Mouncheers might know him when he saw him: + + "Age de 52 ans + Taille d'un metre 62 centimetres + Perruque brun + Front large + Yeux gris-sanguin + Nez moyen + Barbe grisatre + Vizage ronde + Teint rouge." + +He then handed it over to Mr. Jorrocks for his signature, who, observing +the words "Signature du Porteur" at the bottom, passed it on to the +porter of the inn, until put right by the Consul, who, on receiving his +fee, bowed him out with great politeness. + +Great as had been the grocer's astonishment at the horses and carts that +he had seen stirring about the streets, his amazement knew no bounds +when the first Paris diligence came rolling into town with six +horses, spreading over the streets as they swung about in all +directions--covered with bells, sheep-skins, worsted balls, and foxes' +brushes, driven by one solitary postilion on the off wheeler. "My vig," +cried he, "here's Wombwell's wild-beast show! What the deuce are they +doing in France? I've not heard of them since last Bartlemy-fair, when I +took my brother Joe's children to see them feed. But stop--this is full +of men! My eyes, so it is! It's what young Dutch Sam would call a male +coach, because there are no females about it. Well, I declare, I am +almost sorry I did not bring Mrs. J----. Wot would they think to see +such a concern in Cheapside? Why, it holds half a township--a perfect +willage on wheels. My eyes, wot a curiosity! Well, I never thought to +live to see such a sight as this!--wish it was going our way that I +might have a ride in it. Hope ours will be as big." Shortly after theirs +did arrive, and Mr. Jorrocks was like a perfect child with delight. It +was not a male coach, however, for in the different compartments were +five or six ladies. "Oh, wot elegant creatures," cried he, eyeing them; +"I could ride to Jerusalem with them without being tired; wot a thing it +is to be a bachelor!" + +The Conducteur--with the usual frogged, tagged, embroidered jacket, and +fur-bound cap--having hoisted their luggage on high, the passengers who +had turned out of their respective compartments to stretch their legs +after their cramping from Calais, proceeded to resume their places. +There were only two seats vacant in the interior, or, as Mr. Jorrocks +called it, the "middle house," consequently the Yorkshireman and he +crossed legs. The other four passengers had corner-seats, things much +coveted by French travellers. On Mr. Stubbs's right sat an immense +Englishman, enveloped in a dark blue camlet cloak, fastened with bronze +lionhead clasps, a red neckcloth, and a shabby, napless, broad-brimmed, +brown hat. His face was large, round, and red, without an atom of +expression, and his little pig eyes twinkled over a sort of a mark that +denoted where his nose should have been; in short, his head was more +like a barber's wig block than anything else, and his outline would have +formed a model of the dome of St. Paul's. On the Yorkshireman's left +was a chattering young red-trousered dragoon, in a frock-coat and flat +foraging cap with a flying tassel. Mr. Jorrocks was more fortunate than +his friend, and rubbed sides with two women; one was English, either +an upper nursery-maid or an under governess, but who might be safely +trusted to travel by herself. She was dressed in a black beaver bonnet +lined with scarlet silk, a nankeen pelisse with a blue ribbon, and +pea-green boots, and she carried a sort of small fish-basket on her +knee, with a "plain Christian's prayer book" on the top. The other was +French, approaching to middle age, with a nice smart plump figure, good +hazel-coloured eyes, a beautiful foot and ankle, and very well dressed. +Indeed, her dress very materially reduced the appearance of her age, +and she was what the milliners would call remarkably well "got up." Her +bonnet was a pink satin, with a white blonde ruche surmounted by a rich +blonde veil, with a white rose placed elegantly on one side, and her +glossy auburn hair pressed down the sides of a milk-white forehead, in +the Madonna style.--Her pelisse was of "violet-des-bois" figured silk, +worn with a black velvet pelerine and a handsomely embroidered collar. +Her boots were of a colour to match the pelisse; and a massive gold +chain round her neck, and a solitary pearl ring on a middle finger, were +all the jewellery she displayed. Mr. Jorrocks caught a glimpse of her +foot and ankle as she mounted the steps to resume her place in the +diligence, and pushing the Yorkshireman aside, he bundled in directly +after her, and took up the place we have described. + +The vehicle was soon in motion, and its ponderous roll enchanted the +heart of the grocer. Independently of the novelty, he was in a humour to +be pleased, and everything with him was _couleur de rose_. Not so the +Yorkshireman's right-hand neighbour, who lounged in the corner, muffled +up in his cloak, muttering and cursing at every jolt of the diligence, +as it bumped across the gutters and jolted along the streets of +Boulogne. At length having got off the pavement, after crushing along at +a trot through the soft road that immediately succeeds, they reached the +little hill near Mr. Gooseman's farm, and the horses gradually relaxed +into a walk, when he burst forth with a tremendous oath, swearing that +he had "travelled three hundred thousand miles, and never saw horses +walk up such a bit of a bank before." He looked round the diligence in +the expectation of someone joining him, but no one deigned a reply, so, +with a growl and a jerk of his shoulders, he again threw himself into +his corner. The dragoon and the French lady then began narrating the +histories of their lives, as the French people always do, and Mr. +Jorrocks and the Yorkshireman sat looking at each other. At length Mr. +Jorrocks, pulling his dictionary and _Madame de Genlis_ out of his +pocket, observed, "I quite forgot to ask the guard at what time we +dine--most important consideration, for I hold it unfair to takes one's +stomach by surprise, and a man should have due notice, that he may tune +his appetite accordingly. I have always thought, that there's as much +dexterity required to bring an appetite to table in the full bloom of +perfection, as there is in training an 'oss to run on a particular +day.--Let me see," added he, turning over the pages of _de Genlis_--"it +will be under the head of eating and drinking, I suppose.--Here it +is--(opens and reads)--'I have a good appetite--I am hungry--I am werry +hungry--I am almost starved'--that won't do--'I have eaten +enough'--that won't do either--'To breakfast'--no.--But here it is, by +Jingo--'Dialogue before dinner'--capital book for us travellers, this +Mrs. de Genlis--(reads) 'Pray, take dinner with us to-day, I shall give +you plain fare.'--That means rough and enough, I suppose," observed Mr. +Jorrocks to the Yorkshireman.--"'What time do we dine to-day? French: +A quelle heure dinons-nous aujourd'hui?--Italian: A che hora (ora) +si prancey (pranza) oggi?'" "Ah, Monsieur, vous parlez Francais a +merveille," said the French lady, smiling with the greatest good nature +upon him. "A marble!" said Mr. Jorrocks, "wot does that mean?" +preparing to look it out in the dictionary. "Ah, Monsieur, I shall you +explain--you speak French like a natif." "Indeed!" said Mr. Jorrocks, +with a bow, "I feel werry proud of your praise; and your English is +quite delightful.--By Jove," said he to the Yorkshireman, with a most +self-satisfied grin, "you were right in what you told me about the +gals calling me Monsieur.--I declare she's driven right home to my +'art--transfixed me at once, in fact." + +Everyone who has done a little "voyaging," as they call it in France, +knows that a few miles to the south of Samer rises a very steep hill, +across which the route lies, and that diligence travellers are generally +invited to walk up it. A path which strikes off near the foot of the +hill, across the open, cuts off the angle, and--diligences being +anything but what the name would imply,--the passengers, by availing +themselves of the short cut, have ample time for striking up confabs, +and inquiring into the comforts of the occupiers of the various +compartments. Our friends of the "interior" were all busy jabbering +and talking--some with their tongues, others with their hands and +tongues--with the exception of the monster in the cloak, who sat like +a sack in the corner, until the horses, having reached the well-known +breathing place, made a dead halt, and the conducteur proceeded to +invite the party to descend and "promenade" up the hill. "What's +happened now?" cried the monster, jumping up as the door opened; +"surely, they don't expect us to walk up this mountain! I've travelled +three hundred thousand miles, and was never asked to do such a thing in +all my life before. I won't do it; I paid for riding, and ride I will. +You are all a set of infamous cheats," said he to the conducteur in good +plain English; but the conducteur, not understanding the language, +shut the door as soon as all the rest were out, and let him roll on +by himself. Jorrocks stuck to his woman, who had a negro boy in the +rotonde, dressed in baggy slate-coloured trousers, with a green +waistcoat and a blue coat, with a coronet on the button, who came to +hand her out, and was addressed by the heroic name of "Agamemnon." +Jorrocks got a glimpse of the button, but, not understanding foreign +coronets, thought it was a crest; nevertheless, he thought he might as +well inquire who his friend was, so, slinking back as they reached the +foot of the hill he got hold of the nigger, and asked what they called +his missis. Massa did not understand, and Mr. Jorrocks, sorely puzzled +how to explain, again had recourse to the _Manuel du Voyageur_; but +Madame de Genlis had not anticipated such an occurrence, and there was +no dialogue adapted to his situation. There was a conversation with a +lacquey, however, commencing with--"Are you disposed to enter into my +service?" and, in the hopes of hitting upon something that would convey +his wishes, he "hark'd forward," and passing by--"Are you married?" +arrived at--"What is your wife's occupation?" "Que fait votre femme?" +said he, suiting the action to the word, and pointing to Madame. +Agamemnon showed his ivories, as he laughed at the idea of Jorrocks +calling his mistress his wife, and by signs and words conveyed to him +some idea of the importance of the personage to whom he alluded. This he +did most completely, for before the diligence came up, Jorrocks pulled +the Yorkshireman aside, and asked if he was aware that they were +travelling with a real live Countess; "Madame la Countess Benwolio, the +nigger informs me," said he; "a werry grande femme, though what that +means I don't know." "Oh, Countesses are common enough here," replied +the Yorkshireman. "I dare say she's a stay-maker. I remember a +paint-maker who had a German Baron for a colour-grinder once." "Oh," +said Jorrocks, "you are jealous--you always try to run down my friends; +but that won't do, I'm wide awake to your tricks"; so saying, he +shuffled off, and getting hold of the Countess, helped Agamemnon to +hoist her into the diligence. He was most insinuating for the next two +hours, and jabbered about love and fox-hunting, admiring the fine, flat, +open country, and the absence of hedges and flints; but as neither youth +nor age can subsist on love alone, his confounded appetite began to +trouble him, and got quite the better of him before they reached +Abbeville. Every mile seemed a league, and he had his head out of the +window at least twenty times before they came in sight of the town. At +length the diligence got its slow length dragged not only to Abbeville, +but to the sign of the "Fidele Berger"--or "Fiddle Burgur," as Mr. +Jorrocks pronounced it--where they were to dine. The door being opened, +out he jumped, and with his _Manuel du Voyageur_ in one hand, and the +Countess Benvolio in the other, he pushed his way through the crowd of +"pauvres miserables" congregated under the gateway, who exhibited every +species of disease and infirmity that poor human nature is liable or +heir to, and entered the hotel. The "Sally manger," as he called it, was +a long brick-floored room on the basement, with a white stove at one +end, and the walls plentifully decorated with a panoramic view of the +Grand Nation wallopping the Spaniards at the siege of Saragossa. The +diligence being a leetle behind time as usual, the soup was on the table +when they entered. The passengers quickly ranged themselves round, and, +with his mouth watering as the female garcon lifted the cover from the +tureen, Mr. Jorrocks sat in the expectation of seeing the rich contents +ladled into the plates. His countenance fell fifty per cent as the first +spoonful passed before his eyes.--"My vig, why it's water!" exclaimed +he--"water, I do declare, with worms[21] in it--I can't eat such stuff as +that--it's not man's meat--oh dear, oh dear, I fear I've made a terrible +mistake in coming to France! Never saw such stuff as this at Bleaden's +or Birch's, or anywhere in the city." "I've travelled three hundred +thousand miles," said the fat man, sending his plate from him in +disgust, "and never tasted such a mess as this before." "I'll show +them up in _The Times_," cried Mr. Jorrocks; "and, look, what stuff is +here--beef boiled to rags!--well, I never, no never, saw anything like +this before. Oh, I wish I was in Great Coram Street again!--I'm sure +I can't live here--I wonder if I could get a return +chaise--waiter--garsoon--cuss! Oh dear! I see _Madame de Genlis_ is of +no use in a pinch--and yet what a dialogue here is! Oh heavens! grant +your poor Jorrocks but one request, and that is the contents of a single +sentence. 'I want a roasted or boiled leg of mutton, beef, hung beef, +a quarter of mutton, mutton chops, veal cutlets, stuffed tongue, dried +tongue, hog's pudding, white sausage, meat sausage, chicken with rice, a +nice fat roast fowl, roast chicken with cressy, roast or boiled pigeon, +a fricassee of chicken, sweet-bread, goose, lamb, calf's cheek, calf's +head, fresh pork, salt pork, cold meat, hash.'--But where's the use of +titivating one's appetite with reading of such luxteries? Oh, what a +wife Madame de Genlis would have made for me! Oh dear, oh dear, I shall +die of hunger, I see --I shall die of absolute famine--my stomach thinks +my throat's cut already!" In the height of his distress in came two +turkeys and a couple of fowls, and his countenance shone forth like an +April sun after a shower. "Come, this is better," said he; "I'll trouble +you, sir, for a leg and a wing, and a bit of the breast, for I'm really +famished--oh hang! the fellow's a Frenchman, and I shall lose half the +day in looking it out in my dictionary. Oh dear, oh dear, where's the +dinner dialogue!--well, here's something to that purpose. 'I will +send you a bit of this fowl.' 'A little bit of the fowl cannot hurt +you.'--No, nor a great bit either.--'Which do you like best, leg or +wing?' 'Qu'aimez-vous le mieux, la cuisse ou l'aile?'" Here the Countess +Benvolio, who had been playing a good knife and fork herself, pricked +up her ears, and guessing at Jorrocks's wants, interceded with her +countryman and got him a plateful of fowl. It was soon disposed of, +however, and half a dish of hashed hare or cat, that was placed within +reach of him shortly after, was quickly transferred into his plate. A +French dinner is admirably calculated for leading the appetite on by +easy stages to the grand consummation of satiety. It begins meagrely, as +we have shown, and proceeds gradually through the various gradations of +lights, savories, solids, and substantiate. Presently there was a +large dish of stewed eels put on. "What's that?" asked Jorrocks of the +man.--"Poisson," was the reply. "Poison! why, you infidel, have you no +conscience?" "Fishe," said the Countess. "Oh, ay, I smell--eels--just +like what we have at the Eel-pie-house at Twickenham--your ladyship, I +am thirsty--'ge soif,' in fact." "Ah, bon!" said the Countess, laughing, +and giving him a tumbler of claret. "I've travelled three hundred +thousand miles," said the fat man, "and never saw claret drunk in that +way before." "It's not werry good, I think," said Mr. Jorrocks, smacking +his lips; "if it was not claret I would sooner drink port." Some wild +ducks and fricandeau de veau which followed, were cut up and handed +round, Jorrocks helping himself plentifully to both, as also to pommes +de terre a la maitre d'hotel, and bread at discretion. "Faith, but this +is not a bad dinner, after all's said and done, when one gets fairly +into it." "Fear it will be very expensive," observed the fat man. Just +when Jorrocks began to think he had satisfied nature, in came a roast +leg of mutton, a beef-steak, "a la G--d-dam", [22] and a dish of larks +and snipes. + +[Footnote 21: Macaroni soup.] + +[Footnote 22: When the giraffe mania prevailed in Paris, and gloves, +handkerchiefs, gowns, reticules, etc. were "a la Giraffe," an Englishman +asked a waiter if they had any beef-steaks "a la Giraffe." "No, +monsieur, but we have them a la G--d-dem," was the answer.] + +"Must have another tumbler of wine before I can grapple with these +chaps," said he, eyeing them, and looking into Madame de Genlis's +book: "'Garsoon, donnez-moi un verre de vin,'" holding up the book and +pointing to the sentence. He again set to and "went a good one" at both +mutton and snipes, but on pulling up he appeared somewhat exhausted. He +had not got through it all yet, however. Just as he was taking breath, a +_garcon_ entered with some custards and an enormous omelette soufflee, +whose puffy brown sides bagged over the tin dish that contained it. +"There's a tart!" cried Mr. Jorrocks; "Oh, my eyes, what a swell!--Well, +I suppose I must have a shy at it.--'In for a penny in for a pound!' as +we say at the Lord Mayor's feed. Know I shall be sick, but, however, +here goes," sending his plate across the table to the _garcon_, who was +going to help it. The first dive of the spoon undeceived him as he heard +it sound at the bottom of the dish. "Oh lauk, what a go! All puff, by +Jove!--a regular humbug--a balloon pudding, in short! I won't eat such +stuff--give it to Mouncheer there," rejecting the offer of a piece. "I +like the solids;--will trouble you for some of that cheese, sir, and +don't let it taste of the knive. But what do they mean by setting +the dessert on before the cloth is removed? And here comes tea and +coffee--may as well have some, I suppose it will be all the same price. +And what's this?" eyeing a lot of liqueur glasses full of eau de vie. +"Chasse-cafe, Monsieur," said the _garcon_. "Chasse calf--chasse +calf--what's that? Oh, I twig--what we call 'shove in the mouth' at the +Free-and-Easy. Yes, certainly, give me a glass." "You shall take some +dessert," said the Countess, handing him over some peaches and biscuits. +"Well, I'll try my hand at it, if it will oblege your ladyship, but I +really have had almost enough." "And some abricot," said she, helping +him to a couple of fine juicy ones. "Oh, thank you, my lady, thank you, +my lady, I'm nearly satisfied." "Vous ne mangez pas," said she, giving +him half a plate of grapes. "Oh, my lady, you don't understand me--I +can't eat any more--I am regularly high and dry--chock full--bursting, +in fact." Here she handed him a plate of sponge-cakes mixed with +bon-bons and macaroons, saying, "Vous etes un pauvre mangeur--vous +ne mangez rien, Monsieur." "Oh dear, she does not understand me, I +see.--Indeed, my lady, I cannot eat any more.--Ge woudera, se ge +could-era, mais ge can-ne-ra pas!" "Well, now, I've travelled three +hundred thousand miles, and never heard such a bit of French as that +before," said the fat man, chuckling. + + + +IX. MR. JORROCKS IN PARIS + +As the grey morning mist gradually dispersed, and daylight began to +penetrate the cloud that dimmed the four squares of glass composing the +windows of the diligence, the Yorkshireman, half-asleep and half-awake, +took a mental survey of his fellow-travellers.--Before him sat his +worthy friend, snoring away with his mouth open, and his head, which +kept bobbing over on to the shoulder of the Countess, enveloped in the +ample folds of a white cotton nightcap.--She, too, was asleep and, +disarmed of all her daylight arts, dozed away in tranquil security. Her +mouth also was open, exhibiting rather a moderate set of teeth, and +her Madonna front having got a-twist, exposed a mixture of brown and +iron-grey hairs at the parting place. Her bonnet swung from the roof +of the diligence, and its place was supplied by a handsome lace cap, +fastened under her chin by a broad-hemmed cambric handkerchief. +Presently the sun rose, and a bright ray shooting into the Countess's +corner, awoke her with a start, and after a hurried glance at the +passengers, who appeared to be all asleep, she drew a small ivory-cased +looking-glass from her bag, and proceeded to examine her features. Mr. +Jorrocks awoke shortly after, and with an awful groan exclaimed that +his backbone was fairly worn out with sitting. "Oh dear!" said he, "my +behind aches as if I had been kicked all the way from Hockleyhole to +Marylebone. Are we near Paris? for I'm sure I can't find seat any +longer, indeed I can't. I'd rather ride two hundred miles in nine hours, +like H'osbaldeston, than be shut up in this woiture another hour. It +really is past bearing, and that's the long and short of the matter." +This exclamation roused all the party, who began yawning and rubbing +their eyes and looking at their watches. The windows also were lowered +to take in fresh air, and on looking out they found themselves rolling +along a sandy road, lined on each side with apple-trees, whose branches +were "groaning" with fruit. They breakfasted at Beaumont, and had a +regular spread of fish, beef-steak, mutton-chops, a large joint of +hot roast veal, roast chickens, several yards of sour bread, grapes, +peaches, pears, and plums, with vin ordinaire, and coffee au lait; +but Mr. Jorrocks was off his feed, and stood all the time to ease his +haunches. + +Towards three in the afternoon they caught the first glimpse of the +gilded dome of the Hospital of Invalids, which was a signal for all +the party to brush up and make themselves agreeable. Even the +three-hundred-thousand miler opened out, and began telling some +wonderful anecdotes, while the Countess and Mr. Jorrocks carried on a +fierce flirtation, or whatever else they pleased to call it. At last, +after a deal of jargon, he broke off by appealing to the Yorkshireman +to know what "inn" they should "put up at" in Paris. "I don't know, I'm +sure," said he; "it depends a good deal upon how you mean to live. As +you pay my shot it does not do for beggars to be choosers; but suppose +we try Meurice's" "Oh no," replied Mr. Jorrocks, "her ladyship tells me +it is werry expensive, for the English always pay through the nose if +they go to English houses in Paris; and, as we talk French, we can put +up at a French one, you know." "Well, then, we can try one of the French +ones in the Rue de la Paix." "Rue de la Pay! no, by Jove, that won't do +for me--the werry name is enough--no Rue de la Pay for me, at least if +I have to pay the shot." "Well, then, you must get your friend there to +tell you of some place, for I don't care twopence, as long as I have a +bed, where it is." The Countess and he then laid their heads together +again, and when the diligence stopped to change horses at St. Denis, +Mr. Jorrocks asked the Yorkshireman to alight, and taking him aside, +announced with great glee that her ladyship, finding they were strangers +in the land, had most kindly invited them to stay with her, and that she +had a most splendid house in the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons, ornamented +with mirrors, musical clocks, and he didn't know what, and kept the best +company in all France, marquesses, barons, viscounts, authors, etc. +Before the Yorkshireman had time to reply, the conducteur came and +hurried them back into the diligence, and closed the door with a bang, +to be sure of having his passengers there while he and the postilion +shuffled the cards and cut for a glass of _eau-de-vie_ apiece. + +The Countess, suspecting what they had been after, resumed the +conversation as soon as Mr. Jorrocks was seated.--"You shall manger +cinque fois every day," said she; "cinque fois," she repeated.--"Humph!" +said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, "what can that mean?--cank four--four +times five's twenty--eat twenty times a day--not possible!" "Oui, +Monsieur, cinque fois," repeated the Countess, telling the number off +on her fingers--"Cafe at nine of the matin, dejeuner a la fourchette at +onze o'clock, diner at cinque heure, cafe at six hour, and souper at +neuf hour." "Upon my word," replied Mr. Jorrocks, his eyes sparkling +with pleasure, "your offer is werry inwiting. My lady," said he, bowing +before her, "Je suis--I am much flattered." "And, Monsieur?" said she, +looking at the Yorkshireman. He, too, assured her that he was very +much flattered, and was beginning to excuse himself, when the Countess +interrupted him somewhat abruptly by turning to Mr. Jorrocks and saying, +"He sall be your son--n'est ce pas?" "No, my lady, I've no children," +replied he, and the Countess's eyes in their turn underwent a momentary +illumination. + +The Parisian barrier was soon reached, and the man taken up to kick +about the jaded travellers' luggage at the journey's end. While this +operation was going on in the diligence yard, the Countess stuck close +to Mr. Jorrocks, and having dispatched Agamemnon for a fiacre, bundled +him in, luggage and all, and desiring her worthy domestic to mount the +box, and direct the driver, she kissed her hand to the Yorkshireman, +assuring him she would be most happy to see him, in proof of which, +she drove away without telling him her number, or where the Rue des +Mauvais-Garcons was. + +Paris is a charming place after the heat of the summer has passed away, +and the fine, clear, autumnal days arrive. Then is the time to see the +Tuileries gardens to perfection, when the Parisians have returned from +their chateaus, and emigrating English and those homeward bound halt to +renovate on the road; then is the time that the gayest plants put forth +their brightest hues, and drooping orange flowers scent the air which +silvery fountains lend their aid to cool. + +On a Sunday afternoon, such as we have described, our friend Mr. Stubbs +(who since his arrival had been living very comfortably at the Hotel +d'Hollande, in expectation of Mr. Jorrocks paying his bill) indulged in +six sous' worth of chairs--one to sit upon and one for each leg--and, +John Bull-like, stretched himself out in the shade beneath the lofty +trees, to view the gay groups who promenaded the alleys before him. +First, there came a helmeted cuirassier, with his wife in blue satin, +and a little boy in his hand in uniform, with a wooden sword, a perfect +miniature of the father; then a group of short-petticoated, shuffling +French women, each with an Italian greyhound in slips, followed by an +awkward Englishman with a sister on each arm, all stepping out like +grenadiers; then came a ribbon'd chevalier of the Legion of Honour, +whose hat was oftener in his hand than on his head, followed by a +nondescript looking militaire with fierce mustachios, in shining +jack-boots, white leathers, and a sort of Italian military cloak, with +one side thrown over the shoulder, to exhibit the wearer's leg, and the +bright scabbard of a large sword, while on the hero's left arm hung a +splendidly dressed woman. "What a figure!" said the Yorkshireman to +himself, as they came before him, and he took another good stare.--"Yet +stay--no, impossible!--Gracious Heaven! it can't be--and yet it is--by +Jove, it's Jorrocks!" + +"Why now, you old imbecile," cried he, jumping off his chairs and +running up to him, "What are you after?" bursting into a loud laugh as +he looked at Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios (a pair of great false ones). "Is +there no piece of tomfoolery too great for you? What's come across you +now? Where the deuce did you get these things?" taking hold of the curls +at one side of his mustachios. + +"How now?" roared Mr. Jorrocks with rage and astonishment. "How now! ye +young scaramouch, vot do you mean by insulting a gentleman sportsman in +broad daylight, in the presence of a lady of quality? By Jingo," added +he, his eyes sparkling with rage, "if you are not off before I can say +'dumpling' I'll run you through the gizzard and give your miserable +carcass to the dogs," suiting the action to the word, and groping +under his cloak for the hilt of his sword.--A crowd collected, and the +Yorkshireman perceiving symptoms of a scene, slunk out of the melee, and +Mr. Jorrocks, after an indignant shake or two of his feathers and curl +of his mustachios, pursued his course up the gardens. + +This was the first time they had met since their arrival, which was +above a week before; indeed, it was nine days, for the landlord of the +house where the Yorkshireman lived had sent his "little bill" two days +before this, it being an established rule of his house, and one which +was conspicuously posted in all the rooms, that the bills were to be +settled weekly; and Mr. Stubbs had that very morning observed that the +hat of Monsieur l'Hote was not raised half so high from his head, nor +his body inclined so much towards the ground as it was wont to be--a +pretty significant hint that he wanted his cash.--Now the Yorkshireman, +among his other accomplishments, had a turn for play, and unfortunately +had been at the Salon the night before, when, after continuous run +of ill-luck, he came away twelve francs below the amount of the +hotel-keeper's bill, consequently a rumpus with Mr. Jorrocks could not +have taken place at a more unfortunate moment. Thinking, however, a good +night's rest or two might settle him down, and put all matters right, +he let things alone until the Tuesday following, when again finding +Monsieur's little "memoire" on one side of his coffeecup, and a framed +copy of the "rules and regulations" of the house on the other, he +felt constrained to take some decisive step towards its liquidation. +Accordingly, having breakfasted, he combed his hair straight over his +face, and putting on a very penitential look, called a cab, and desired +the man to drive him to the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons.--After zigzagging, +twisting, and turning about in various directions, they at last jingled +to the end of a very narrow dirty-looking street, whose unswept pavement +had not been cheered by a ray of sunshine since the houses were built. +It was excessively narrow, and there were no flags on either side; but +through the centre ran a dribbling stream, here and there obstructed +by oyster-shells, or vegetable refuse, as the water had served as +a plaything for children, or been stopped by servants for domestic +purposes. The street being extremely old, of course the houses were very +large, forming, as all houses do in Paris, little squares entered by +folding doors, at one side of which, in a sort of lodge, lives the +Porter--"Parlez au Portier"--who receives letters, parcels, and +communications for the several occupiers, consisting sometimes of twenty +or thirty different establishments in one house. From this functionary +may be learned the names of the different tenants. Having dismissed his +cab, the Yorkshireman entered the first gateway on his left, to take +the chance of gaining some intelligence of the Countess. The Porter--a +cobbler by trade--was hammering away, last on knee, at the sole of a +shoe, and with a grin on his countenance, informed the Yorkshireman that +the Countess lived next door but one. A thrill of fear came over him on +finding himself so near the residence of his indignant friend, but it +was of momentary duration, and he soon entered the courtyard of No. +3--where he was directed by an unshaved grisly-looking porter, to +proceed "un troisieme," and ring the bell at the door on the right-hand +side. Obedient to his directions, the Yorkshireman proceeded to climb a +wide but dirty stone staircase, with carved and gilded balusters, whose +wall and steps had known no water for many years, and at length found +himself on the landing opposite the very apartment which contained the +redoubtable Jorrocks. Here he stood for a few seconds, breathing and +cooling himself after his exertions, during which time he pictured to +himself the worthy citizen immersed in papers deeply engaged in the +preparation of his France in three volumes, and wished that the first +five minutes of their interview were over. At length he mustered courage +to grasp a greasy-looking red tassel, and give a gentle tinkle to the +bell. The door was quickly opened by Agamemnon in dirty loose trousers +and slippers, and without a coat. He recognised his fellow-traveller, +and in answer to his inquiry if Monsieur Jorrocks was at home, grinned, +and answered, "Oh oui, certainement, Monsieur le Colonel Jorrockes est +ici," and motioned him to come in. The Yorkshireman entered the little +ante-room--a sort of scullery, full of mops, pans, dirty shoes, dusters, +candlesticks--and the first thing that caught his eye was Jorrocks's +sword, which Agamemnon had been burnishing up with sandpaper and +leather, lying on a table before the window. This was not very +encouraging, but Agamemnon gave no time for reflection, and opening half +a light salmon-coloured folding door directly opposite the one by which +he entered, the Yorkshireman passed through, unannounced and unperceived +by Mr. Jorrocks or the Countess, who were completely absorbed in a game +of dominoes, sitting on opposite sides of a common deal table, whose +rose-coloured silk cover was laid over the back of a chair. Jorrocks was +sitting on a stool with his back to the door, and the Countess being +very intent on the game, Mr. Stubbs had time for a hasty survey of the +company and apartment before she looked up. It was about one o'clock, +and of course she was still _en deshabille_, with her nightcap on, +a loose _robe de chambre_ of flannel, and a flaming broad-striped +red-and-black Scotch shawl thrown over her shoulders, and +swan's-down-lined slippers on her feet. Mr. Jorrocks had his leather +pantaloons on, with a rich blue and yellow brocade dressing-gown, and +blue morocco slippers to match. His jack-boots, to which he had added +a pair of regimental heel-spurs, were airing before a stove, which +contained the dying embers of a small log. The room was low, and +contained the usual allowance of red figured velvet-cushioned chairs, +with brass nails; the window curtains were red-and-white on rings and +gilded rods; a secretaire stood against one of the walls, and there was +a large mirror above the marble mantelpiece, which supported a clock +surmounted by a flying Cupid, and two vases of artificial flowers +covered with glass, on one of which was placed an elegant bonnet of the +newest and most approved fashion. The floor, of highly polished oak, was +strewed about with playbills, slippers, curl-papers, boxes, cards, dice, +ribbons, dirty handkerchiefs, etc.; and on one side of the deal table +was a plate containing five well-picked mutton-chop bones, and hard by +lay Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios and a dirty small tooth-comb. + +Just as the Yorkshireman had got thus far in his survey, the Countess +gave the finishing stroke to the game, and Mr. Jorrocks, jumping up in a +rage, gave his leathers such a slap as sent a cloud of pipe-clay flying +into his face. "Vous avez the devil's own luck"; exclaimed he, repeating +the blow, when, to avoid the cloud, he turned short round, and +encountered the Yorkshireman. + +"How now?" roared he at the top of his voice, "who sent for you? Have +you come here to insult me in my own house? I'll lay my soul to an +'oss-shoe, I'll be too many for ye! Where's my sword?" + +"Now, my good Mr. Jorrocks," replied the Yorkshireman very mildly, +"pray, don't put yourself into a passion--consider the lady, and don't +let us have any unpleasantness in Madame la Duchesse Benvolio's house," +making her a very low bow as he spoke, and laying his hand on his heart. + +"D--n your displeasancies!" roared Jorrocks, "and that's swearing--a +thing I've never done since my brother Joe fobbed me of my bottom piece +of muffin. Out with you, I say! Out with ye! you're a nasty dirty +blackguard; I'm done with you for ever. I detest the sight of you and +hate ye afresh every time I see you!" + +"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," interposed the Countess, "ve sall play +anoder game, and you sall had von better chance," clapping him on the +back as she spoke. "I von't!" bellowed Jorrocks. "Turn this chap out +first. I'll do it myself. H'Agamemnon! H'Agamemnon! happortez my sword! +bring my sword! tout suite, directly!" + +"Police! Police! Police!" screamed the Countess out of the window; +"Police! Police! Police!" bellowed Agamemnon from the next one; "Police! +Police! Police!" re-echoed the grisly porter down below; and before +they had time to reflect on what had passed, a sergeant's file of the +National Guard had entered the hotel, mounted the stairs, and taken +possession of the apartment. The sight of the soldiers with their bright +bayonets, all fixed and gleaming as they were, cooled Mr. Jorrocks's +courage in an instant, and, after standing a few seconds in petrified +astonishment, he made a dart at his jack-boots and bolted out of the +room. The Countess Benvolio then unlocked her secretaire, in which was a +plated liqueur-stand with bottles and glasses, out of which she +poured the sergeant three, and the privates two glasses each of pure +_eau-de-vie,_ after which Agamemnon showed them the top of the stairs. + +In less than ten minutes all was quiet again, and the Yorkshireman was +occupying Mr. Jorrocks's stool. The Countess then began putting things +a little in order, adorned the deal table with the rose-coloured +cover--before doing which she swept off Mr. Jorrocks's mustachios, and +thrust a dirty white handkerchief and the small tooth-comb under the +cushion of a chair--while Agamemnon carried away the plate with the +bones. "Ah, le pauvre Colonel," said the Countess, eyeing the bones as +they passed, "he sall be von grand homme to eat--him eat toujours--all +day long--Oh, him mange beaucoup--beaucoup--beaucoup. He is von vare +amiable man, bot he sall not be moch patience. I guess he sall be vare +rich--n'est ce pas? have many guinea?--He say he keep beaucoup des +chiens--many dogs for the hont--he sail be vot dey call rom customer +(rum customer) in Angleterre, I think." + +Thus she went rattling on, telling the Yorkshireman all sorts of stories +about the _pauvre_ Colonel, whom she seemed ready to change for a +younger piece of goods with a more moderate appetite; and finding Mr. +Stubbs more complaisant than he had been in the diligence, she concluded +by proposing that he should accompany the Colonel and herself to a +_soiree-dansante_ that evening at a friend of hers, another Countess, in +the "Rue des Bons-Enfants." + +Being disengaged as usual, he at once assented, on condition that the +Countess would effect a reconciliation between Mr. Jorrocks and himself, +for which purpose she at once repaired to his room, and presently +reappeared arm-in-arm with our late outrageously indignant hero. The +Colonel had been occupying his time at the toilette, and was _en grand +costume_--finely cleaned leathers, jack-boots and brass spurs, with a +spick and span new blue military frock-coat, hooking and eyeing up to +the chin, and all covered with braid, frogs, tags, and buttons. + +"Dere be von beau garcon!" exclaimed the Countess, turning him round +after having led him into the middle of the room--"dat habit does fit +you like vax." "Yes," replied Mr. Jorrocks, raising his arms as though +he were going to take flight, "but it is rather tight--partiklarly round +the waist--shouldn't like to dine in it. What do you think of it?" +turning round and addressing the Yorkshireman as if nothing had +happened--"suppose you get one like it?" "Do," rejoined the Countess, +"and some of the other things--vot you call them, Colonel?" +"What--breeches?" "Yes, breeches--but the oder name--vot you call dem?" +"Oh, leathers?" replied Mr. Jorrocks. "No, no, another name still." "I +know no other. Pantaloons, perhaps, you mean?" "No, no, not pantaloons." +"Not pantaloons?--then I know of nothing else. You don't mean these +sacks of things, called trousers?" taking hold of the Yorkshireman's. +"No, no, not trousers." "Then really, my lady, I don't know any other +name." "Oh, yes, Colonel, you know the things I intend. Vot is it you +call Davil in Angleterre?" "Oh, we have lots of names for him--Old Nick, +for instance."--"Old Nick breeches," said the Countess thoughtfully; +"no, dat sall not be it--vot else?" "Old Harry?" replied Mr. +Jorrocks.--"Old Harry breeches," repeated the Countess in the hopes of +catching the name by the ear--"no, nor dat either, encore anoder name, +Colonel." "Old Scratch, then?" "Old Scratch breeches," re-echoed the +Countess--"no, dat shall not do."--"Beelzebub?" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks. +"Beelzebub breeches," repeated the Countess--"nor dat." "Satan, then?" +said Mr. Jorrocks. "Oh oui!" responded the Countess with delight, +"satan! black satan breeches--you shall von pair of black satan +breeches, like the Colonel." + +"And the Colonel will pay for them, I presume?" said the Yorkshireman, +looking at Mr. Jorrocks. + +"I carn't," said Mr. Jorrocks in an undertone; "I'm nearly cleaned out, +and shall be in Short's Gardens before I know where I am, unless I hold +better cards this evening than I've done yet. Somehow or other, these +French are rather too sharp for me, and I've been down upon my luck ever +since I came.--Lose every night, in fact, and then they are so werry +anxious for me to have my rewenge, as they call it, that they make +parties expressly for me every evening; but, instead of getting my +rewenge, I only lose more and more money.--They seem to me always to +turn up the king whenever they want him.--To-night we are going to a +Countess's of werry great consequence, and, as you know ecarte well, +I'll back your play, and, perhaps, we may do something between us." + +This being all arranged, Mr. Stubbs took his departure, and Mr. Jorrocks +having girded on his sword, and the Countess having made her morning +toilette, they proceed to their daily promenade in the Tuileries +Gardens. + +A little before nine that evening, the Yorkshireman again found himself +toiling up the dirty staircase, and on reaching the third landing was +received by Agamemnon in a roomy uniform of a chasseur--dark green and +tarnished gold, with a cocked-hat and black feather, and a couteau de +chasse, slung by a shining patent-leather belt over his shoulder. The +opening of the inner door displayed the worthy Colonel sitting at his +ease, with his toes on each side of the stove (for the evenings had +begun to get cool), munching the last bit of crust of the fifth Perigord +pie that the Countess had got him to buy.--He was extremely smart; +thin black gauze-silk stockings, black satin breeches; well-washed, +well-starched white waistcoat with a rolling collar, showing an +amplitude of frill, a blue coat with yellow buttons and a velvet collar, +while his pumps shone as bright as polished steel. + +The Countess presently sidled into the room, all smirks and smiles as +dressy ladies generally are when well "got up." Rouge and the milliner +had effectually reduced her age from five and forty down to five and +twenty. She wore a dress of the palest pink satin, with lilies of the +valley in her hair, and an exquisitely wrought gold armlet, with a most +Lilliputian watch in the centre. + +Mr. Jorrocks having finished his pie-crust, and stuck on his mustachios, +the Countess blew out her bougies, and the trio, preceeded by Agamemnon +with a lanthorn in his hand, descended the stairs, whose greasy, muddy +steps contrasted strangely with the rich delicacy of the Countess's +beautifully slippered feet. Having handed them into the voiture, +Agamemnon mounted up behind, and in less than ten minutes they rumbled +into the spacious courtyard of the Countess de Jackson, in the Rue des +Bons-Enfants, and drew up beneath a lofty arch at the foot of a long +flight of dirty black-and-white marble stairs, about the centre of which +was stationed a _lacquey de place_ to show the company up to the hall. +The Countess de Jackson (the wife of an English horse-dealer) lived +in an _entresol au troisieme_, but the hotel being of considerable +dimensions, her apartment was much more spacious than the Countess +Benvolio's. Indeed, the Countess de Jackson, being a _marchande des +modes_, had occasion for greater accommodation, and she had five low +rooms, whereof the centre one was circular, from which four others, +consisting of an ante-room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and _salle a manger_, +radiated. + +Agamemnon having opened the door of the _fiacre_, the Countess Benvolio +took the Yorkshireman's arm, and at once preceded to make the ascent, +leaving the Colonel to settle the fare, observing as they mounted the +stairs, that he was "von exceeding excellent man, but vare slow." + +"Madame la Contesse Benvolio and Monsieur Stoops!" cried the _lacquey de +place_ as they reached the door of the low ante-room, where the Countess +Benvolio deposited her shawl, and took a final look at herself in the +glass. She again took the Yorkshireman's arm and entered the round +ballroom, which, though low and out of all proportion, had an +exceedingly gay appearance, from the judicious arrangement of the +numerous lights, reflected in costly mirrors, and the simple elegance of +the crimson drapery, festooned with flowers and evergreens against the +gilded walls. Indeed, the hotel had been the residence of an ambassador +before the first revolution, and this _entresol_ had formed the private +apartment of his Excellency. The door immediately opposite the one by +which they entered, led into the Countess de Jackson's bedroom, +which was also lighted up, with the best furniture exposed and her +toilette-table set out with numberless scent bottles, vases, trinkets, +and nick-nacks, while the _salle a manger_ was converted into a +card-room. Having been presented in due form to the hostess, the +Yorkshireman and his new friend stood surveying the gay crowd of +beautiful and well-dressed women, large frilled and well-whiskered men, +all chatting, and bowing, and dancing, when a half-suppressed titter +that ran through the room attracted their attention, and turning round, +Mr. Jorrocks was seen poking his way through the crowd with a number of +straws sticking to his feet, giving him the appearance of a feathered +Mercury. The fact was, that Agamemnon had cleaned his shoes with the +liquid varnish (french polish), and forgetting to dry it properly, the +carrying away half the straw from the bottom of the _fiacre_ was the +consequence, and Mr. Jorrocks having paid the Jehu rather short, the +latter had not cared to tell him about it. + +The straws were, however, soon removed without interruption to the +gaiety of the evening. Mr. Stubbs, of course, took an early opportunity +of waltzing with the Countess Benvolio, who, as all French women are, +was an admirable dancer, and Jorrocks stood by fingering and curling his +mustachios, admiring her movements but apparently rather jealous of the +Yorkshireman. "I wish," said he after the dance was over, "that +you would sit down at _ecarte_ and let us try to win some of these +mouncheers' tin, for I'm nearly cleaned out. Let us go into the +cardroom, but first let us see if we can find anything in the way of +nourishment, for I begin to be hungry. Garsoon," said he catching a +servant with a trayful of _eau sucree_ glasses, "avez-vous kick-shaws to +eat?" putting his finger in his mouth--"ge wouderay some refreshment." +"Oh, oui," replied the garcon taking him to an open window overlooking +the courtyard, and extending his hand in the air, "voila, monsieur, de +tres bon rafraichissement." + +The ball proceeded with the utmost decorum, for though composed of +shopkeepers and such like, there was nothing in their dress or manner +to indicate anything but the best possible breeding. Jorrocks, indeed, +fancied himself in the very elite of French society, and, but for a +little incident, would have remained of that opinion. In an unlucky +moment he took it into his head he could waltz, and surprised the +Countess Benvolio by claiming her hand for the next dance. "It seems +werry easy," said he to himself as he eyed the couples gliding round the +room;--"at all ewents there's nothing like trying, 'for he who never +makes an effort never risks a failure.'" The couples were soon formed +and ranged for a fresh dance. Jorrocks took a conspicuous position in +the centre of the room, buttoned his coat, and, as the music struck up, +put his arm round the waist of his partner. The Countess, it seems, had +some misgivings as to his prowess in the dancing line, and used all her +strength to get him well off, but the majority of the dancers started +before him. At length, however, he began to move, and went rolling away +in something between a gallop and a waltz, effecting two turns, like a +great cart-wheel, which brought him bang across the room, right into the +track of another couple, who were swinging down at full speed, making a +cannon with his head against both theirs, and ending by all four coming +down upon the hard boards with a tremendous crash--the Countess Benvolio +undermost, then the partner of the other Countess, then Jorrocks, and +then the other Countess herself. Great was the commotion, and the music +stopped; Jorrocks lost his wig, and split his Beelzebub breeches across +the knees, while the other gentleman cracked his behind--and the +Countess Benvolio and the other Countess were considerably damaged; +particularly the other Countess, who lost four false teeth and broke an +ear-ring. This, however, was not the worst, for as soon as they were +all scraped together and set right again, the other Countess's partner +attacked Jorrocks most furiously, calling him a _sacre-nom de-Dieu'd +bete_ of an Englishman, a mauvais sujet, a cochon, etc., then spitting +on the floor--the greatest insult a Frenchman can offer--he vapoured +about being one of the "grand nation," "that he was brave--the world +knew it," and concluded by thrusting his card--"Monsieur Charles Adolphe +Eugene, Confiturier, No. 15 bis, Rue Poupee"--into Jorrocks's face. It +was now Jorrocks's turn to speak, so doubling his fists, and getting +close to him, he held one to his nose, exclaiming, "D--n ye, sir, je +suis--JORROCKS!--Je suis an Englishman! je vous lick within an inch of +your life! --Je vous kick!--je vous mill!--je vous flabbergaster!" and +concluded by giving him his card, "Monsieur le Colonel Jorrocks, No 3, +Rue des Mauvais-Garcons." + +A friend of the confectioner's interposed and got him away, and Mr. +Stubbs persuaded Mr. Jorrocks to return into the cardroom, where they +were speedily waited upon by the friend of the former, who announced +that the Colonel must make an apology or fight, for he said, although +Jorrocks was a "Colonel Anglais," still Monsieur Eugene was of the +Legion of Honour, and, consequently, very brave and not to be insulted +with impunity. All this the Yorkshireman interpreted to Mr. Jorrocks, +who was most anxious to fight, and wished it was light that they might +go to work immediately. Mr. Stubbs therefore told the confectioner's +friend (who was also his foreman), that the Colonel would fight him with +pistols at six o'clock in the Bois de Boulogne, but no sooner was the +word "pistols" mentioned than the friend exclaimed, with a grimace and +shrug of his shoulders, "Oh horror, no! Monsieur Adolphe is brave, but +he will not touch pistols--they're not weapons of his country." +Jorrocks then proposed to fight him with broad swords, but this the +confectioner's foreman declined on behalf of his principal, and at last +the Colonel suggested that they could not do better than fight it out +with fists. Now, the confectioner was ten years younger than Jorrocks, +tall, long-armed, and not over-burthened with flesh, and had, moreover, +taken lessons of Harry Harmer, when that worthy had his school in Paris, +so he thought the offer was a good one, and immediately closed with it. +Jorrocks, too, had been a patron of the prize-ring, having studied under +Bill Richmond, the man of colour, and was reported to have exhibited +in early life (incog.) with a pugilist of some pretensions at the +Fives-court, so, all things considered, fists seemed a very proper mode +of settling the matter, and that being agreed upon, each party quitted +the Countess de Jackson's--the confectioner putting forth all manner of +high-flown ejaculations and prayers for success, as he groped about the +ante-room for his hat, and descended the stairs. "Oh! God of war!" said +he, throwing up his hands, "who guided the victorious army of this grand +nation in Egypt, when, from the pyramids, forty centuries beheld our +actions--oh, brilliant sun, who shone upon our armies at Jaffa, at +Naples, Montebello, Marengo, Austerlitz, Jena, and Algiers, who blessed +our endeavours, who knowest that we are brave--brave as a hundred +lions--look down on Charles Adolphe Eugene, and enable him to massacre +and immolate on the altar of his wrath, this sacre-nom de-Dieu'd beastly +hog of an Englishman"--and thereupon he spit upon the flags with all the +venom of a viper. + +Jorrocks, too, indulged in a few figures of speech, as he poked his way +home, though of a different description. "Now blister my kidneys," said +he, slapping his thigh, "but I'll sarve him out! I'll baste him as +Randall did ugly Borrock. I'll knock him about as Belcher did the Big +Ilkey Pigg. I'll damage his mug as Turner did Scroggins's. I'll fib him +till he's as black as Agamemnon--for I do feel as though I could fight a +few." + + * * * * * + +The massive folding doors of the Porte-Cocher at the Hotel d'Hollande +had not received their morning opening, when a tremendous loud, long, +protracted rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, sounded like thunder throughout the +extensive square, and brought numerous nightcapped heads to the windows, +to see whether the hotel was on fire, or another revolution had broken +out. The _maitre d'hotel_ screamed, the porter ran, the _chef de +cuisine_ looked out of his pigeon-hole window, and the _garcons_ +and male _femmes des chambres_ rushed into the yard, with fear and +astonishment depicted on their countenances, when on peeping through the +grating of the little door, Mr. Jorrocks was descried, knocker in hand, +about to sound a second edition. Now, nothing is more offensive to the +nerves of a Frenchman than a riotous knock, and the impertinence was not +at all migitated by its proceeding from a stranger who appeared to have +arrived through the undignified medium of a co-cou.[23] Having scanned +his dimensions and satisfied himself that, notwithstanding all the +noise, Jorrocks was mere mortal man, the porter unbolted the door, +and commenced a loud and energetic tirade of abuse against "Monsieur +Anglais," for his audacious thumping, which he swore was enough to make +every man of the National Guard rush "to arms." In the midst of the +torrent, very little of which Mr. Jorrocks understood, the Yorkshireman +appeared, whom he hurried into the _co-cou_, bundled in after him, cried +"ally!" to the driver, and off they jolted at a miserably slow trot. +A little before seven they reached the village of Passy, where it +was arranged they should meet and proceed from thence to the Bois de +Boulogne, to select a convenient place for the fight; but neither the +confectioner nor his second, nor any one on his behalf, was visible and +they walked the length and breadth of the village, making every possible +inquiry without seeing or hearing anything of them. At length, having +waited a couple of hours, Mr. Jorrocks's appetite overpowered his desire +of revenge, and caused him to retire to the "Chapeau-Rouge" to indulge +in a "fork breakfast." Nature being satisfied, he called for pen and +ink, and with the aid of Mr. Stubbs drew up the following proclamation +which to this day remains posted in the _salle a manger_ a copy whereof +was transmitted by post to the confectioner at Paris. + +[Footnote 23: _Co-cous_ are nondescript vehicles that ply in the environs +of Paris. They are a sort of cross between a cab and a young Diligence.] + + + PROCLAMATION! + + I, John Jorrocks, of Great Coram Street, in the County of Middlesex, + Member of the Surrey Hunt, in England, and Colonel of the Army when + I'm in France, having been grossly insulted by Charles Adolphe + Eugene of No. 15 bis, Rue Poupee, confectioner, this day repaired + to Passy, with the intention of sarving him out with my fists; but, + neither he nor any one for him having come to the scratch, I, John + Jorrocks, do hereby proclaim the said Charles Adolphe Eugene to be a + shabby fellow and no soldier, and totally unworthy the notice of a + fox-hunter and a gentleman sportsman. + + (Signed) JOHN JORROCKS. + + (Countersigned) STUBBS. + +This being completed, and the bill paid, they returned leisurely on foot +to Paris, looking first at one object, then at another, so that the +Countess Benvolio's dinner-hour was passed ere they reached the +Tuileries Gardens, where after resting themselves until it began to get +dusk, and their appetites returned, they repaired to the Cafe de Paris +to destroy them again.--The lofty well-gilded salon was just lighted up, +and the numberless lamps reflected in costly mirrors in almost every +partition of the wall, aided by the graceful figures and elegant dresses +of the ladies, interspersed among the sombre-coated gentry, with here +and there the gay uniforms of the military, imparted a fairy air to the +scene, which was not a little heightened by the contrast produced by Mr. +Jorrocks's substantial figure, stumping through the centre with his hat +on his head, his hands behind his back, and the dust of the day hanging +about his Hessians. + +"Garsoon," said he, hanging up his hat, and taking his place at a vacant +table laid for two, "ge wouderai some wittles," and, accordingly, the +spruce-jacketed, white-aproned _garcon_ brought him the usual red-backed +book with gilt edges, cut and lettered at the side, like the index to +a ledger, and, as Mr. Jorrocks said, "containing reading enough for a +month." "Quelle potage voulez vous, monsieur?" inquired the _garcon_ at +last, tired of waiting while he studied the _carte_ and looked the words +out in the dictionary. "_Avez-vous_ any potted lobster?" "Non," said the +_garcon_, "potage au vermicelle, au riz, a la Julienne, consomme, et +potage aux choux." "Old shoe! who the devil do you think eats old shoes +here? Have you any mock turtle or gravy soup?" "Non, monsieur," said the +_garcon_ with a shrug of the shoulders. "Then avez-vous any roast +beef?" "Non, monsieur; nous avons boeuf au naturel--boeuf a la sauce +piquante--boeuf aux cornichons--boeuf a la mode--boeuf aux choux--boeuf +a la sauce tomate--bifteck aux pommes de terre." "Hold hard," said +Jorrocks; "I've often heard that you can dress an egg a thousand ways, +and I want to hear no more about it; bring me a beef-steak and pommes +de terre for three." "Stop!" cried Mr. Stubbs, with dismay--"I see you +don't understand ordering a dinner in France --let me teach you. Where's +the _carte?_" "Here," said Mr. Jorrocks, "is 'the bill of lading,'" +handing over the book.--"Garcon, apportez une douzaine des huitres, un +citron, et du beurre frais," said the Yorkshireman, and while they were +discussing the propriety of eating them before or after the soup, a +beautiful dish of little green oysters made their appearance, which were +encored before the first supply was finished. "Now, Colonel," said the +Yorkshireman, "take a bumper of Chablis," lifting a pint bottle out of +the cooler. "It has had one plunge in the ice-pail and no more--see what +a delicate rind it leaves on the glass!" eyeing it as he spoke. "Ay, but +I'd rayther it should leave something in the mouth than on the side +of the glass," replied Mr. Jorrocks; "I loves a good strong generous +wine--military port, in fact--but here comes fish and soup--wot are +they?" "Filet de sole au gratin, et potage au macaroni avec fromage de +Parmesan. I'll take fish first, because the soup will keep hot longest." +"So will I," said Mr. Jorrocks, "for I think you understand the +thing--but they seem to give werry small penn'orths--it really +looks like trifling with one's appetite--I likes the old joint--the +cut-and-come-again system, such as we used to have at Sugden's in +Cornhill--joint, wegitables, and cheese all for two shillings." "Don't +talk of your joints here," rejoined the Yorkshireman--"I told you +before, you don't understand the art of eating--the dexterity of the +thing consists in titivating the appetite with delicate morsels so as to +prolong the pleasure. A well-regulated French dinner lasts two hours, +whereas you go off at score, and take the shine out of yourself before +you turn the Tattenham Corner of your appetite. But come, take another +glass of Chablis, for your voice is husky as though your throat was full +of dust.--Will you eat some of this boulli-vert?" "No, not no bouleward +for me thank ye." "Well, then, we will have the 'entree de +boeuf--beef with sauce tomate--and there is a cotelette de veau en +papillotte;--which will you take?" "I'll trouble the beef, I think; I +don't like that 'ere pantaloon cutlet much, the skin is so tough." "Oh, +but you don't eat the paper, man; that is only put on to keep this nice +layer of fat ham from melting; take some, if it is only that you may +enjoy a glass of champagne after it. There is no meat like veal for +paving the way for a glass of champagne." "Well, I don't care if I do, +now you have explained how to eat it, for I've really been troubled with +indigestion all day from eating one wholesale yesterday; but don't you +stand potatoes--pommes de terre, as we say in France?" "Oh yes, fried, +and a la maitre d'hotel; here they come, smoking hot. Now, J---- for a +glass of champagne--take it out of the pail--nay, man! not with both +hands round the middle, unless you like it warm--by the neck, so," +showing him how to do it and pouring him a glass of still champagne. +"This won't do," said Jorrocks, holding it up to the candle; "garsoon! +garsoon!--no good--no bon--no fizzay, no fizzay," giving the bottom of +the bottle a slap with his hand to rouse it. "Oh, but this is still +champagne," explained the Yorkshireman, "and far the best." "I +don't think so," retorted Mr. Jorrocks, emptying the glass into his +water-stand. "Well, then, have a bottle of the other," rejoined the +Yorkshireman, ordering one. "And who's to pay for it?" inquired Mr. +Jorrocks. "Oh, never mind that--care killed the cat--give a loose to +pleasure for once, for it's a poor heart that never rejoices. Here it +comes, and 'may you never know what it is to want,' as the beggar boys +say.--Now, let's see you treat it like a philosopher--the wire is off, +so you've nothing to do but cut the string, and press the cork on one +side with your thumb.--Nay! you've cut both sides!" Fizz, pop, bang, +and away went the cork close past the ear of an old deaf general, and +bounded against the wall.--"Come, there's no mischief done, so pour out +the wine.--Your good health, old boy, may you live for a thousand years, +and I be there to count them! --Now, that's what I call good," observed +the Yorkshireman, holding up his glass, "see how it dulls the glass, +even to the rim--champagne isn't worth a copper unless it's iced--is +it, Colonel?" "Vy, I don't know--carn't say I like it so werry cold; it +makes my teeth chatter, and cools my courage as it gets below--champagne +certainly gives one werry gentlemanly ideas, but for a continuance, I +don't know but I should prefer mild hale." "You're right, old boy, it +does give one very gentlemanly ideas, so take another glass, and you'll +fancy yourself an emperor.--Your good health again." "The same to you, +sir. And now wot do you call this chap?" "That is a quail, the other a +snipe--which will you take?" "Vy, a bit of both, I think; and do you +eat these chaps with them?" "Yes, nothing nicer--artichokes a la sauce +blanche; you get the real eating part, you see, by having them sent up +this way, instead of like haystacks, as they come in England, diving and +burning your fingers amid an infinity of leaves." "They are werry pretty +eating, I must confess; and this upper Binjamin of ham the birds are +cooked in is delicious. I'll trouble you for another plateful." "That's +right, Colonel, you are yourself again. I always thought you would come +back into the right course; and now you are good for a glass of claret +of light Hermitage. Come, buck up, and give a loose to pleasure for +once." "For once, ay, that's what you always say; but your once comes so +werry often." "Say no more.--Garcon! un demi-bouteille de St. Julien; +and here, J----, is a dish upon which I will stake my credit as an +experienced caterer--a Charlotte de pommes--upon my reputation it is +a fine one, the crust is browned to a turn, and the rich apricot +sweet-meat lies ensconced in the middle, like a sleeping babe in its +cradle. If ever man deserved a peerage and a pension it is this cook." +"It's werry delicious--order another." "Oh, your eyes are bigger than +your stomach, Mr. J----. According to all mathematical calculations, +this will more than suffice. Ay, I thought so--you are regularly at a +stand-still. Take a glass of whatever you like. Good--I'll drink Chablis +to your champagne. And now, that there may be no mistake as to our +country, we will have some cheese--fromage de Roquefort, Gruyere, +Neufchatel, or whatever you like--and a beaker of Burgundy after, and +then remove the cloth, for I hate dabbling in dowlas after dinner is +done." "Rum beggars these French," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, laying +down the newspaper, and taking a sip of Churchman's chocolate, as on the +Sunday morning he sat with the Countess Benvolio, discussing rolls and +butter, with _Galignani's Messenger_, for breakfast. + +"Rum beggars, indeed," said he, resuming the paper, and reading the +programme of the amusements for the day, commencing with the hour of +Protestant service at the Ambassador's Chapel, followed on by Palace and +Gallery of Pictures of the Palais Royal--Review with Military Music in +the Place du Carousel--Horse-races in the Champs de Mars--Fete in the +Park of St. Cloud--Combat d'Animaux, that is to say, dog-fighting and +bull-baiting, at the Barriere du Combat, Tivoli, etc., etc., "It's not +werry right, but I suppose at Rome we must do as Romans do," with which +comfortable reflection Mr. Jorrocks proposed that the Countess and +he should go to the races. Madame was not partial to animals of any +description, but having got a new hat and feathers she consented to show +them, on condition that they adjoined to the fete at St. Cloud in the +evening. + +Accordingly, about noon, the ostler's man of a neighbouring English +livery-stable drew up a dark-coloured job cab, with a red-and-white +striped calico lining, drawn by a venerable long-backed white horse, at +the Countess's gateway in the Rue des Mauvais-Garcons, into which Mr. +Jorrocks having handed her ladyship, and Agamemnon, who was attired in +his chasseur uniform, having climbed up behind, the old horse, after two +or three flourishes of his dirty white tail, as a sort of acknowledgment +of the whip on his sides, got himself into motion, and proceeded on +his way to the races. The Countess being resolved to cut a dash, had +persuaded our hero to add a smart second-hand cocked-hat, with a flowing +red-and-white feather, to the rest of his military attire; and the end +of a scarlet handkerchief, peeping out at the breast of his embroidered +frock-coat, gave him the appearance of wearing a decoration, and +procured him the usual salute from the soldiers and veterans of the +Hospital of Invalids, who were lounging about the ramparts and walks of +the edifice. The Countess's costume was simple and elegant; a sky-blue +satin pelisse with boots to match, and a white satin bonnet with white +feathers, tipped with blue, and delicate primrose-coloured gloves. Of +course the head of the cab was well thrown back to exhibit the elegant +inmates to the world. + +Great respect is paid to the military in France, as Mr. Jorrocks found +by all the hack, cab, and _fiacre _ drivers pulling up and making way +for him to pass, as the old crocodile-backed white horse slowly dragged +its long length to the gateway of the Champ de Mars. Here the guard, +both horse and foot, saluted him, which he politely acknowledged, +under direction of the Countess, by raising his _chapeau bras_, and a +subaltern was dispatched by the officer in command to conduct him to +the place appointed for the carriages to stand. But for this piece of +attention Mr. Jorrocks would certainly have drawn up at the splendid +building of the Ecole Militaire, standing as it does like a grand stand +in the centre of the gravelly dusty plain of the Champ de Mars. The +officer, having speared his way through the crowd with the usual +courtesy of a Frenchman, at length drew up the cab in a long line of +anonymous vehicles under the rows of stunted elms by the stone-lined +ditch, on the southern side of the plain when, turning his charger +round, he saluted Mr. Jorrocks, and bumped off at a trot. Mr. Jorrocks +then stuck the pig-driving whip into the socket, and throwing forward +the apron, handed out the Countess, and installed Agamemnon in the cab. + +A fine day and a crowd make the French people thoroughly happy, and on +this afternoon the sun shone brightly and warmly on the land;--still +there was no apparently settled purpose for the assembling of the +multitude, who formed themselves in groups upon the plain, or lined the +grass-burnt mounds at the sides, in most independent parties. The Champ +de Mars forms a regular parallelogram of 2700 feet by 1320, and the +course, which is of an oblong form, comprises a circuit of the whole, +and is marked out with strong posts and ropes. Within the course, +equestrians--or more properly speaking, "men on horseback"--are admitted +under the surveillance of a regiment of cavalry, while infantry and +cavalry are placed in all directions with drawn swords and fixed +bayonets to preserve order. Being a gravelly sandy soil, in almost daily +requisition for the exercise and training of troops, no symptoms of +vegetation can be expected, and the course is as hard as the ride in +Rotten Row or up to Kensington Gardens. + +About the centre of the south side, near where the carriages were +drawn up, a few temporary stands were erected for the royal family and +visitors, the stand for the former being in the centre, and hung with +scarlet and gold cloth, while the others were tastefully arranged with +tri-coloured drapery. These are entered by tickets only, but there +are always plenty of platforms formed by tables and "chaises a louer" +(chairs to let) for those who don't mind risking their necks for a +sight. Some few itinerants tramped about the plain, offering alternately +tooth-picks, play-bills, and race-lists for sale. Mr. Jorrocks, of +course, purchased one of the latter, which was decorated at the top with +a woodcut, representing three jockeys riding two horses, one with a whip +as big as a broad sword. We append the list as a specimen of "Sporting +in France," which, we are sorry to see, does not run into our pages +quite so cleverly as our printer could wish.[24] + +[Footnote 24: Racing in France is, of course, now a very different +business to the primitive sport it was when this sketch was +written.--EDITOR.] + +Foreigners accuse the English of claiming every good-looking horse, and +every well-built carriage, met on the Continent, as their own, but we +think that few would be ambitious of laying claim to the honour of +supplying France with jockeys or racehorses. Mr. Jorrocks, indeed, +indifferent as he is to the affairs of the turf, could not suppress his +"conwiction" of the difference between the flibberty-gibberty appearance +of the Frenchmen, and the quiet, easy, close-sitting jockeys of +Newmarket. The former all legs and elbows, spurting and pushing to the +front at starting, in tawdry, faded jackets, and nankeen shorts, just +like the frowsy door-keepers of an Epsom gambling-booth; the latter in +clean, neat-fitting leathers, well-cleaned boots, spick and span new +jackets, feeling their horses' mouths, quietly in the rear, with their +whip hands resting on their thighs. Then such riding! A hulking Norman +with his knees up to his chin, and a long lean half-starved looking +Frenchman sat astride like a pair of tongs, with a wet sponge applied to +his knees before starting, followed by a runaway English stable lad, in +white cords and drab gaiters, and half a dozen others equally singular, +spurring and tearing round and round, throwing the gravel and sand into +each other's faces, until the field was so separated as to render it +difficult to say which was leading and which was tailing, for it is one +of the rules of their races, that each heat must be run in a certain +time, consequently, though all the horses may be distanced, the winner +keeps working away. Then what an absence of interest and enthusiasm on +the part of the spectators! Three-fourths of them did not know where the +horses started, scarcely a man knew their names, and the few tenpenny +bets that were made, were sported upon the colour of the jackets. A +Frenchman has no notion of racing, and it is on record that after a heat +in which the winning horse, after making a waiting race, ran in at the +finish, a Parisian observed, that "although 'Annette' had won at the +finish, he thought the greater honour was due to 'Hercule,' he having +kept the lead the greater part of the distance." On someone explaining +to him that the jockey on Annette had purposely made a waiting race, he +was totally incredulous, asserting that he was sure the jockeys had too +much _amour-propre_ to remain in the rear at any part of the race, when +they might be in front. + + + +X. SPORTING IN FRANCE + +PROGRAMME DES COURSES DE CHEVAUX + +QUI AURONT LIEU AU CHAMP-DE-MARS LE DIMANCHE A UNE HEURE, +EN PRESENCE DE LL. MM. LE ROI ET LA REINE, ET DES PRINCES DE LA FAMILLE ROYALE + +DEUX PRIX ROYAUX ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +| NOMS | SIGNALEMENS | NOMS |POIDS |NOMS | COSTUMES | +|Des Chevaux | Et Ages | Des |a |Des |Des Jockeys | +| | | Proprietaires |porter|Jockeys | | ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +|Prix royal de 5000 fr. pour les chevaux et jumens de deuxieme espece.--En | +| partie liee | +| | | | | | | +|Moina |Bai-clair-4 |Haras de Meudon |102 l.|Tom |Veste rouge | +| | | | | Hall |toque tricolore | +|Corisandre |Bai-brun-5 |M. Bonvie fils |115 |Tom |Veste orange, | +| | | | |Wilson |manches et toque| +| | | | | |noires. | +|Flore |Bai-cerise-4 |M. de Laroque |102 |Tony |Veste noire, | +| | | | |Montel |manches blanches| +| | | | | |toque noire. | +|Eleanor |Alezan-brule-5|M. de Royere |112 |Bernou |Veste verte, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +|Diomede |Bai-4 |M. le baron de |105 |Baptiste|Veste bleue, | +| | | la Bastide | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl. et j. | +|Cirus |Bai-brun-5 |Lord Seymour |115 |North |Veste orange, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +|Aline |Bai-clair-4 |M. Noel |102 |Tom |Veste ponceau, | +| | | | | |manches blanches| +| | | | | | toque bleue. | +|Leonie |Alezan-dore-5 |M. Belhomme |112 |Pichon |Veste jaune, | +| | | | | | toque verte | +| | | | | | | +| | | | | | | +|Prix royal de 6ooo fr. pour les chevaux de premiere espece.--En partie liee | +| | | | | | | +|Young-Milton|Bai-4 |M. Fasquel |105 l.|Tom Webb|Veste et toque | +| | | | | | noires. | +|Mouna |Bai-clair-4 |M. de Laroque |102 |Tony |Veste noire, | +| | | | | Montal |manches blanches| +| | | | | |toque noire | +|Pamela |Bai-4 |Heras de Meudon |102 |Tom Hall|Veste rouge, | +| | | | | |toque tricolore.| +|Egle |Gris-sanguin-5|Lord Seymour |112 |Mous |Veste orange, | +| | | | | | toque noire | +|Cederic |Bai-5 |M. le baron de |115 |Baptiste|Veste bleue, | +| | | la Bastide | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl. et ja.| +|Young-Tandem|Bai-cerise-4 |M. Schickler |105 |Webb |Veste rouge, | +| | | | | | toque noire. | +| | | | | | | +|Oubiou |Alezan-6 |MM. Salvador et |121 |Tom |Veste bleue, | +| | | Tassinari | | Johns |manches blanches| +| | | | | | | +| | | | | |toque rouge. | +|Coradin |Bai-5 |M. Moreil |115 |Rene |Veste bleue, | +| | | | | |manches jaunes, | +| | | | | |toque bl.&jaune.| ++------------+--------------+----------------+------+--------+----------------+ +|Nota. Les chevaux de premiere espece sont ceux nes en France de peres et | +|meres etrangers: ceux de la deuxieme espece sont ceux nes de peres et | +|meres Francais ou seulement de l'un des deux.--Chaque epreuve comprendra | +|les deux tours du Champs de Mars.--Les courses commenceront par la | +|premiere epreuve des chevaux de deuxieme espece.--La seconde course se | +|fera pour la premiere epreuve des chevaux de premiere espece: suivie de | +|la deuxieme epreuve des chevaux de deuxieme espece: et elles seront | +|terminees par la deuxieme epreuve des chevaux de premiere espece. | ++-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ + + ======================================================================== + Transcriber's note: The original document contains an additional column + that could not be squeezed into the 80 characters allowed in this + format. That column shows the pedigree of the horses, as follows: + + Moina: Issu de Candide et de Miltonia. + Corisandre: Issu d'Holbein et de Lisbeth. + Flore: Issue de Tigris et Biche. + Eleanor: Issue de Moulay et de Cadette. + Diomede: Issu de Premium et de Gabrielle. + Cirus: Issu de Toley et de Miss. + Aline: Issue de Snail et d'une jument Normande. + Leonie: Issue de Massoud et d'une fille de D-y-o. + + Young-Milton: Issu de Milton et de Betzi. + Mouna: Issu de Rainbow et de Mouna. + Pamela: Issue de Candid et Geane + Egle: Issue de Rainbow and Young-Urganda. + Cederic: Issue de Candid et Prestesse. + Young-Tandem: Issu de Multum-in-Parvo et d'Oida. + Oubiou: Issu d'Oubiou et d'une fille de Stradlamlad. + Coradin: Issu de Candid et de Prestesse. + ======================================================================= + + +"Moderate sport," said Mr. Jorrocks to himself, curling his mustachios +and jingling a handful of five-franc pieces in the pocket of his +leathers--"moderate sport indeed," and therefore he turned his back to +the course and walked the Countess off towards the cab. + +From beneath a low tenth-rate-looking booth, called "The Cottage of +Content," supported by poles placed on the stunted trees of the avenue, +and exhibiting on a blue board, "John Jones, dealer in British beer," in +gilt letters, there issued the sound of voices clamouring about odds, +and weights and scales, and on looking in, a score of ragamuffin-looking +grooms, imitation jockeys, and the usual hangers-on of the racehorses +and livery-stables, were seen drinking beer, smoking, playing at cards, +dice, and chuck-farthing. Before the well-patched canvas curtain that +flapped before the entrance, a crowd had collected round one of the +horses which was in the care of five or six fellows, one to hold him, +another to whistle to him, a third to whisk the flies away with a +horse's tail, a fourth to scrape him, a fifth to rinse his mouth +out,--while the stud-groom, a tall, gaunt, hairy-looking fellow, in his +shirt sleeves, with ear-rings, a blue apron and trousers (more like a +gardener than a groom), walked round and round with mystified dignity, +sacreing and muttering, "Ne parlez pas, ne parlez pas," as anyone +approached who seemed likely to ask questions. Mr. Jorrocks, having well +ascertained the importance of his hat and feather, pushed his way with +the greatest coolness into the ring, just to cast his eye over the horse +and see whether he was fit to go with the Surrey, and the stud-groom +immediately took off his lavender-coloured foraging cap, and made two +profound salaams, one to the Colonel, the other to the Countess. Mr. +Jorrocks, all politeness, took off his _chapeau_, and no sooner was it +in the air, than with a wild exclamation of surprise and delight, the +groom screamed, "Oh, Monsieur Shorrock, mon ami, comment vous portez +vous?" threw his arms round the Colonel's neck, and kissed him on each +cheek. + +"Hold!" roared the Colonel, half smothered in the embrace, and +disengaging himself he drew back a few paces, putting his hand on the +hilt of his sword, when in the training groom of Paris he recognised his +friend the Baron of Newmarket. The abruptness of the incident disarmed +Mr. Jorrocks of reflection, and being a man of impulse and warm +affections, he at once forgave the novelty of the embrace, and most +cordially joined hands with those of his friend. They then struck up a +mixture of broken English and equally broken French, in mutual inquiries +after each other's healths and movements, and presuming that Mr. +Jorrocks was following up the sporting trade in Paris, the Baron most +considerately gave him his best recommendations which horse to back, +kindly betting with him himself, but, unfortunately, at each time +assigning Mr. Jorrocks the losing horse. At length, being completely +cleaned out, he declined any further transactions, and having got the +Countess into the cab, was in the act of climbing in himself, when +someone took him by the sword as he was hoisting himself up by the +wooden apron, and drew him back to the ground. "Holloa, Stubbs, my +boy!" cried he, "I'm werry 'appy to see ye," holding out his hand, and +thereupon Mr. Stubbs took off his hat to the Countess. "Well now, the +deuce be in these French," observed Mr. Jorrocks, confidentially, in an +undertone as, resigning the reins to Agamemnon, he put his arm through +the Yorkshireman's and drew out of hearing of the Countess behind the +cab--"the deuce be in them. I say. There's that beggarly Baron as we met +at Newmarket has just diddled me out of four Naps and a half, by getting +me to back 'osses that he said were certain to win, and I really don't +know how we are to make 'tongue and buckle' meet, as the coachmen say. +Somehow or other they are far too sharp for me. Cards, dominoes, dice, +backgammon, and racing, all one--they inwariably beat me, and I declare +I haven't as much pewter as will coach me to Calais." The Yorkshireman, +as may be supposed, was not in a condition of any great pecuniary +assistance, but after a turn or two along the mound, he felt it would +be a reproach on his country if he suffered his friend to be done by +a Frenchman, and on consideration he thought of a trick that Monsieur +would not be up to. Accordingly, desiring Mr. Jorrocks to take him to +the Baron, and behave with great cordiality, and agree to the proposal +he should make, they set off in search of that worthy, who, after some +trouble, they discovered in the "Cottage of Content," entertaining John +Jones and his comrades with an account of the manner in which he had +fleeced Monsieur Shorrock. The Yorkshireman met him with the greatest +delight, shook hands with him over and over again, and then began +talking about racing, pigeon-shooting, and Newmarket, pretended to be +full of money, and very anxious for the Baron's advice in laying it out. +On hearing this, the Baron beckoned him to retire, and joining him in +the avenue, walked him up and down, while he recommended his backing a +horse that was notoriously amiss. The Yorkshireman consented, lost a Nap +with great good humour, and banteringly told the Baron he thought he +could beat the horse on foot. This led them to talk of foot-racing and +at last the Yorkshireman offered to bet that Mr. Jorrocks would run +fifty yards with him on his back, before the Baron would run a hundred. +Upon this the Baron scratched his head and looked very knowing, +pretended to make a calculation, when the Yorkshireman affected fear, +and professed his readiness to withdraw the offer. The Baron then +plucked up his courage, and after some haggling, the match was made for +six Naps, the Yorkshireman reckoning the Baron might have ten francs in +addition to what he had won of Mr. Jorrocks and himself. The money was +then deposited in the hands of the Countess Benvolio, and away went the +trio to the "Cottage of Content," to get men and ropes to measure and +keep the ground. The English jockeys and lads, though ready enough to +pigeon a countryman themselves, have no notion of assisting a foreigner +to do so, unless they share in the spoil, and the Baron being a +notorious screw, they all seemed heartily glad to find him in a trap. +Out then they all sallied, amid cheers and shouts, while John Jones, +with a yard-wand in his hand, proceeded to measure a hundred yards along +the low side of the mound. This species of amusement being far more in +accordance with the taste of the French than anything in which horses +are concerned, an immense mob flocked to the scene, and the Baron +having explained how it was, and being considered a safe man to follow, +numerous offers were made to bet against the performance of the match. +The Yorkshireman being a youth of discretion and accustomed to bet among +strangers, got on five Naps more with different parties, who to "prevent +accidents" submitted to deposit the money with the Countess, and all +things being adjusted, and the course cleared by a picket of infantry, +Mr. Jorrocks ungirded his sword, and depositing it with his frock-coat +in the cab, walked up to the fifty yards he was to have for start. "Now, +Colonel," said the Yorkshireman, backing him to the mound, so that he +might leap on without shaking him, "put your best leg first, and it's a +hollow thing; if you don't fall, you must win,"--and thereupon taking +Mr. Jorrocks's cocked hat and feather from his head, he put it sideways +on his own, so that he might not be recognised, and mounted his man. Mr. +Jorrocks then took his place as directed by John Jones, and at a signal +from him--the dropping of a blue cotton handkerchief--away they started +amid the shouts, the clapping of hands, and applause of the spectators, +who covered the mound and lined the course on either side. Mr. +Jorrocks's action was not very capital, his jack-boots and leathers +rather impeding his limbs, while the Baron had as little on him as +decency would allow. The Yorkshireman feeling his man rather roll at the +start, again cautioned him to take it easy, and after a dozen yards he +got into a capital run, and though the lanky Baron came tearing along +like an ill-fed greyhound, Mr. Jorrocks had full two yards to spare, +and ran past the soldier, who stood with his cap on his bayonet as +a winning-post, amid the applause of his backers, the yells of his +opponents, and the general acclamation of the spectators. + +The Countess, anticipating the victory of her hero, had dispatched +Agamemnon early in the day for a chaplet of red-and-yellow immortelles, +and having switched the old cab horse up to the winning-post, she +gracefully descended, without showing more of her foot and ankle than +was strictly correct, and decorated his brow with the wreath, as the +Yorkshireman dismounted. Enthusiasm being always the order of the day in +France, this act was greeted with the loudest acclamations, and, without +giving him time to recover his wind, the populace bundled Mr. Jorrocks +neck and shoulders into the cab, and seizing the old horse by the head, +paraded him down the entire length of the Champ de Mars, Mr. Jorrocks +bowing and kissing his hands to the assembled multitude, in return +for the vivas! the clapping of hands, and the waving of ribbons and +handkerchiefs that greeted him as he went. + +Popularity is but a fickle goddess, and in no country more fickle than +in France. Ere the procession reached the end of the dusty plain, the +mob had tailed off very considerably, and as the leader of the old white +horse pulled him round to return, a fresh commotion in the distance, +caused by the apprehension of a couple of pickpockets, drew away the few +followers that remained, and the recently applauded and belauded Mr. +Jorrocks was left alone in his glory. He then pulled up, and taking +the chaplet of immortelles from his brow, thrust it under the driving +cushion of the cab, and proceeded to reinstate himself in his tight +military frock, re-gird himself with his sword, and resume the cocked +hat and feather. + +Nothing was too good for Mr. Stubbs at that moment, and, had a pen and +ink been ready, Mr. Jorrocks would have endorsed him a bill for any +amount. Having completed his toilette he gave the Yorkshireman the +vacant seat in the cab, flopped the old horse well about the ears with +the pig-driving whip, and trotted briskly up the line he had recently +passed in triumphal procession, and wormed his way among the crowd in +search of the Countess. There was nothing, however, to be seen of her, +and after driving about, and poking his way on foot into all the crowds +he could find, bolting up to every lady in blue, he looked at his great +double-cased gold repeater, and finding it was near three o'clock and +recollecting the fete of St. Cloud, concluded her ladyship must have +gone on, and Agamemnon being anxious to see it, of course was of the +same opinion; so, again flopping the old horse about the ears, he cut +away down the Champ de Mars, and by the direction of Agamemnon crossed +the Seine by the Pont des Invalides, and gained the route to Versailles. + +Here the genius of the people was apparent, for the road swarmed with +voitures of every description, diligences, gondoles, co-cous, cabs, +fiacres, omnibuses, dame-blanches, all rolling and rumbling along, +occasionally interrupted by the lilting and tilting of a light English +cab or tilbury, drawn by a thoroughbred, and driven by a dandy. The +spirit of the old white horse even seemed roused as he got among the +carriages and heard the tramping of hoofs and the jingling of bells +round the necks of other horses, and he applied himself to the shafts +with a vigour his enfeebled-looking frame appeared incapable of +supplying. So they trotted on, and after a mile travelling at a foot's +pace after they got into close line, they reached the porte Maillot, +and resigning the cab to the discretion of Agamemnon, Mr. Jorrocks got +himself brushed over by one of the gentry who ply in that profession at +all public places, and tucking his sword under one arm, he thrust the +other through Mr. Stubbs's, and, John-Bull-like, strutted up the long +broad grass avenue, through the low part of the wood of St. Cloud, as if +all he saw belonged to himself. The scene was splendid, and nature, art, +and the weather appeared confederated for effect. On the lofty heights +arose the stately place, looking down with placid grandeur on the full +foliage of the venerable trees, over the beautiful gardens, the spouting +fountains, the rushing cascades, and the gay and countless myriads that +swarmed the avenues, while the circling river flowed calmly on, without +a ripple on its surface, as if in ridicule of the sound of trumpets, the +clang of cymbals, and the beat of drums, that rent the air around. + +Along the broad avenue were ranged shows of every description--wild +beasts, giants, jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and monsters, while in +spots sheltered from the sun by lofty trees were dancing-places, +swings, roundabouts, archery-butts, pistol-ranges, ball-kicking and +head-thumping places, montagnes-Suisses, all the concomitants of fairs +and fetes--beating "Bartlemy Fair," as Mr. Jorrocks candidly confessed, +"all to nothing." + +The chance of meeting the Countess Benvolio in such a multitude was very +remote indeed, but, to tell the truth, Mr. Jorrocks never once thought +of her, until having eat a couple of cold fowls and drank a bottle of +porter, at an English booth, he felt in his pocket for his purse, and +remembered it was in her keeping. Mr. Stubbs, however, settled the +account, and in high glee Mr. Jorrocks resumed his peregrinations, +visiting first one show, then another, shooting with pea-guns, then +dancing a quadrille, until he was brought up short before a splendid +green-and-gold roundabout, whose magic circle contained two lions, two +swans, two black horses, a tiger, and a giraffe. "Let's have a ride," +said he, jumping on to one of the black horses and adjusting the +stirrups to his length. The party was soon made up, and as the last +comer crossed his tiger, the engine was propelled by the boys in the +centre, and away they went at Derby pace. In six rounds Mr. Jorrocks +lost his head, turned completely giddy, and bellowed out to them to +stop. They took no heed--all the rest were used to it--and after divers +yells and ineffectual efforts to dismount, he fell to the ground like a +sack. The machine was in full work at the time, and swept round three or +four times before they could stop it. At last Mr. Stubbs got to him, +and a pitiable plight he was in. He had fallen on his head, broken his +feather, crushed his chapeau bras, lost off his mustachios, was as pale +as death, and very sick. Fortunately the accident happened near the +gate leading to the town of St. Cloud, and thither, with the aid of two +gendarmes, Mr. Stubbs conveyed the fallen hero, and having put him to +bed at the Hotel d'Angleterre, he sent for a "medecin," who of course +shook his head, looked very wise, ordered him to drink warm water--a +never-failing specific in France--and keep quiet. Finding he had an +Englishman for a patient, the "medecin" dropped in every two hours, +always concluding with the order "encore l'eau chaud." A good sleep did +more for Mr. Jorrocks than the doctor, and when the "medecin" called +in the morning, and repeated the injunction "encore l'eau chaud," he +bellowed out, "Cuss your _l'eau chaud_, my stomach ain't a reserwoir! +Give me some wittles!" The return of his appetite being a most +favourable symptom, Mr. Stubbs discharged the doctor, and forthwith +ordered a _dejeuner a la fourchette_, to which Mr. Jorrocks did pretty +fair justice, though trifling in comparison with his usual performances. +They then got into a Versailles diligence that stopped at the door, and +rattling along at a merry pace, very soon reached Paris and the Rue des +Mauvais-Garcons. + +"Come up and see the Countess," said Mr. Jorrocks as they arrived at the +bottom of the flight of dirty stairs, and, with his hands behind his +back and his sword dragging at his heels, he poked upstairs, and opening +the outer door entered the apartment. He passed through the small +ante-room without observing his portmanteau and carpet-bag on the table, +and there being no symptoms of the Countess in the next one, he walked +forward into the bedroom beyond. + +Before an English fire-place that Mr. Jorrocks himself had been at the +expense of providing, snugly ensconced in the luxurious depths of a +well-cushioned easy chair, sat a monstrous man with a green patch on his +right eye, in slippers, loose hose, a dirty grey woollen dressing-gown, +and black silk nightcap, puffing away at a long meerschaum pipe, with +a figure of Bacchus on the bowl. At a sight so unexpected Mr. Jorrocks +started back, but the smoker seemed quite unconcerned, and casting an +unmeaning grey eye at the intruder, puffed a long-drawn respiration from +his mouth. + +"How now!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, boiling into a rage, which caused the +monster to start upon his legs as though he were galvanised. "Vot brings +you here?" + +"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" responded the smoker, opening his eye a little +wider, and taking the pipe from his mouth. "Speak English, you fool," +bawled Mr. Jorrocks. "Sie sind sehr unverschaemt" (you are very +impudent), replied the Dutchman with a thump on the table. "I'll run +you through the gizzard!" rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, half drawing his +sword,--"skin you alive, in fact!" when in rushed the Countess and threw +herself between them. + +Now, Mynheer Van Rosembom, a burgomaster of Flushing, was an old friend +of the Countess's, and an exceedingly good paying one, and having cast +up that morning quite unexpectedly by the early diligence from Dunkirk, +and the Countess being enraged at Mr. Jorrocks for not sharing the +honours of his procession in the cab on the previous day, and believing, +moreover, that his treasury was pretty well exhausted, thought she could +not do better than instal Rosembom in his place, and retain the stakes +she held for the Colonel's board and lodging. + +This arrangement she kept to herself, simply giving Rosembom, who was +not a much better Frenchman than Col. Jorrocks, to understand that the +room would be ready for him shortly, and Agamemnon was ordered to bundle +Mr. Jorrocks's clothes into his portmanteau and bag, and place them in +readiness in the ante-room. Rosembom, fatigued with his journey, then +retired to enjoy his pipe at his ease, while the Countess went to the +Marche St. Honore to buy some sour crout, roast beef, and prunes for his +dinner. + +"Turn this great slush-bucket out of my room!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as +the Countess rushed into his apartment. "Vot's he doing here?" + +"Doucement, mon cher Colonel," said she, clapping him on the back, "he +sall be my brodder." "Never such a thing!" roared Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing +him as he spoke. "Never such a thing! no more than myself--out with him, +I say, or I'll cut my stick--_toute suite--_directly!" + +"Avec tout mon coeur!" replied the Countess, her choler rising as she +spoke. "You're another," rejoined Mr. Jorrocks, judging by her manner +that she called him something offensive--"Vous ete one mauvaise woman!" +"Monsieur," said the Countess, her eyes flashing as she spoke, "vous +etes un polisson!--von rascal!--von dem villain!--un charlatan!--von +nasty--bastely--ross bif!--dem dog!" and thereupon she curled her +fingers and set her teeth on edge as though she would tear his very eyes +out. Rosembom, though he didn't exactly see the merits of the matter, +exchanged his pipe for the poker, so what with this, the sword, and the +nails, things wore a very belligerent aspect. + +Mr. Stubbs, as usual, interposed, and the Countess, still keeping up the +semblance of her rage, ordered them to quit her apartment directly, or +she would have recourse to her old friends the police. Mr. Stubbs was +quite agreeable to go, but he hinted that she might as well hand over +the stakes that had been entrusted to her keeping on the previous day, +upon which she again indulged in a torrent of abuse, swore they were +a couple of thieves, and that Mr. Jorrocks owed her far more than the +amount for board and lodging. This made the Colonel stare, for on the +supposition that he was a visitor, he had been firing away his money in +all directions, playing at everything she proposed, buying her bonnets, +Perigord pies, hiring remises, and committing every species of +extravagance, and now to be charged for what he thought was pure +friendship, disgusted him beyond expression. + +The Countess speedily summoned the porter, the man of letters of the +establishment, and with his aid drew Mr. Jorrocks out a bill, which he +described as "reaching down each side of his body and round his waist," +commencing with 2 francs for savon, and then proceeding in the daily +routine of cafe, 1 franc; dejeuner a la fourchette, 5 francs; diner +avec vin, 10 francs; tea, 1 franc; souper, 3 francs; bougies, 2 francs; +appartement, 3 francs; running him up a bill of 700 francs; and when Mr. +Stubbs remonstrated on the exorbitance of the charges, she replied, "It +sall be, sare, as small monnaie as sail be consistent avec my dignified +respectability, you to charge." + +There seemed no help for the matter, so Mr. Stubbs paid the balance, +while Mr. Jorrocks, shocked at the duplicity of the Countess, the +impudence of Rosembom, and the emptiness of his own pockets, bolted away +without saying a word. + +That very night the Malle-Poste bore them from the capital, with two +cold fowls, three-quarters of a yard of bread, and a bottle of porter, +for Mr. Jorrocks on the journey, and ere another sun went down, the +sandy suburbs of Calais saw them toiling towards her ramparts, and +rumbling over the drawbridges and under the portcullis, that guard the +entrance to her gloomy town. Calais! cold, cheerless, lifeless Calais! +Whose soul has ever warmed as it approached thy town? but how many +hearts have turned with sickening sorrow from the mirthless tinkling of +thy bells! + +"We'll not stay here long I guess," said Mr. Jorrocks as the diligence +pulled up at the post-office, and the conducteur requested the +passengers to descend. "That's optional," said a bystander, who was +waiting for his letters, looking at Mr. Jorrocks with an air as much as +to say, what a rum-looking fellow you are, and not without reason, for +the Colonel was attired in a blue sailor's jacket, white leathers, +and jack-boots, with the cocked hat and feather. The speaker was a +middle-aged, middle-statured man, with a quick intelligent eye, dressed +in a single-breasted green riding-coat, striped toilinette waistcoat, +and drab trousers, with a whip in his hand. "Thank you for nothing!" +replied Mr. Jorrocks, eyeing him in return, upon which the speaker +turned to the clerk and asked if there were any letters for Monsieur +Apperley or Nimrod. "NIMROD!" exclaimed Mr. Jorrocks, dropping on his +knees as though he were shot. "Oh my vig what have I done? Oh dear! oh +dear! what a dumbfounderer--flummoxed I declare!" + +"Hold up! old 'un," said Nimrod in astonishment; "why, what's the matter +now? You don't owe me anything I dare say!" + +"Owe you anything! yes, I does," said Mr. Jorrocks, rising from +the ground, "I owes you a debt of gratitude that I can never wipe +off--you'll be in the day-book and ledger of my memory for ever and a +year." + +"Who are you?" inquired Nimrod, becoming more and more puzzled, as he +contrasted his dialect with his dress. + +"Who am I? Why, I'm Mister Jorrocks." + +"Jorrocks, by Jove! Who'd have thought it! I declare I took you for +a horse-marine. Give us your hand, old boy. I'm proud to make your +acquaintance." + +"Ditto to you, sir, twice repeated. I considers you the werry first man +of the age!"--and thereupon they shook hands with uncommon warmth. + +"You've been in Paris, I suppose," resumed Nimrod, after their +respective digits were released; "were you much gratified with what you +saw? What pleased you most--the Tuileries, Louvre, Garden of Plants, +Pere la Chaise, Notre Dame, or what?" + +"Why now, to tell you the truth, singular as it may seem, I saw nothing +but the Tuileries and Naughty Dame.--I may say a werry naughty dame, for +she fleeced me uncommonly, scarcely leaving me a dump to carry me home." + +"What, you've been among the ladies, have you? That's gay for a man at +your time of life." + +"Yes, I certainlie have been among the ladies,--countesses I may +say--but, dash my vig, they are a rum set, and made me pay for their +acquaintance. The Countess Benwolio certainlie is a bad 'un." + +"Oh, the deuce!--did that old devil catch you?" inquired Nimrod. + +"Vot, do you know her?" + +"Know her! ay--everybody here knows her with her black boy. She's always +on the road, and lives now by the flats she catches between Paris and +the coast. She was an agent for Morison's Pills--but having a fractious +Scotch lodger that she couldn't get out, she physicked him so dreadfully +that he nearly died, and the police took her licence away. But you are +hungry, Mr. Jorrocks, come to my house and spend the evening, and tell +me all about your travels." + +Mr. Stubbs objected to this proposition, having just learned that the +London packet sailed in an hour, so the trio adjourned to Mr. Roberts's, +Royal Hotel, where over some strong eau-de-vie they cemented their +acquaintance, and Mr. Jorrocks, finding that Nimrod was to be in England +the following week, insisted upon his naming a day for dining in Great +Coram Street. + +"Permits" to embark having been considerately granted "gratis" by the +Government for a franc apiece, at the hour of ten our travellers stepped +on board, and Mr. Jorrocks, having wrapped himself up in his martial +cloak, laid down in the cabin and, like Ulysses in Ithaca, as Nimrod +would say, "arrived in London Asleep." + + + +XI. A RIDE TO BRIGHTON ON "THE AGE" + +_(In a very "Familiar Letter" to Nimrod)_ + +DEAR NIMROD, + +You have favoured myself, and the sporting world at large, with a werry +rich high-flavoured account of the great Captain Barclay, and his +extonishing coach, the "Defiance"; and being werry grateful to you for +that and all other favours, past, present, and to come, I take up my +grey goose quill to make it "obedient to my will," as Mr. Pope, the +poet, says, in relating a werry gratifying ride I had on the celebrated +"Brighton Age," along with Sir Wincent Cotton, Bart., and a few other +swells. Being, as you knows, of rather an emigrating disposition, and +objecting to make a nick-stick of my life by marking down each Christmas +Day over roast-beef and plum pudding, cheek-by-jowl with Mrs. J---- +at home, I said unto my lad Binjimin--and there's not a bigger rogue +unhung--"Binjimin, be after looking out my Sunday clothes, and run down +to the Regent Circus, and book me the box-seat of the 'Age,' for +I'm blow'd if I'm not going to see the King at Brighton (or +'London-sur-Mary,' as James Green calls it), and tell the pig-eyed +book-keeper it's for Mr. Jorrocks, and you'll be sure to get it." + +Accordingly, next day, I put in my appearance at the Circus, dressed in +my best blue Saxony coat, with metal buttons, yellow waistcoat, tights, +and best Hessians, with a fine new castor on my head, and a carnation +in my button-hole. Lots of chaps came dropping in to go, and every one +wanted the box-seat. "Can I have the box-seat?" said one.--"No, sir; Mr. +Jorrocks has it." "Is the box-seat engaged?" asked another.--"Yes, sir; +Mr. Jorrocks has taken it." "Book me the box," said a third with great +dignity.--"It's engaged already." "Who by?"--"Mr. Jorrocks"; and so they +went on to the tune of near a dozen. Presently a rattling of pole chains +was heard, and a cry was raised of "Here's Sir Wincent!" I looks out, +and saw a werry neat, dark, chocolate-coloured coach, with narrow +red-striped wheels, and a crest, either a heagle or a unicorn (I forgets +which), on the door, and just the proprietors' names below the winder, +and "The Age," in large gilt letters, below the gammon board, drawn +by four blood-like, switch-tailed nags, in beautiful highly polished +harness with brass furniture, without bearing reins--driven by a +swellish-looking young chap, in a long-backed, rough, claret-coloured +benjamin, with fancy-coloured tyes, and a bunch of flowers in his +button-hole--no coachman or man of fashion, as you knows, being complete +without the flower. There was nothing gammonacious about the turn-out; +all werry neat and 'andsome, but as plain as plain could be; and there +was not even a bit of Christmas at the 'orses' ears, which I observed +all the other coaches had. Well, down came Sir Wincent, off went his +hat, out came the way-bill, and off he ran into the office to see what +they had for him. "Here, coachman," says a linen-draper's "elegant +extract," waiting outside, "you've to deliver this (giving him a parcel) +in the Marine Parade the instant you get to Brighton. It's Miss---- 's +bustle, and she'll be waiting for it to put on to go out to dinner, so +you musn't lose a moment, and you may charge what you like for your +trouble." "Werry well," says Sir Wincent, laughing, "I'll take care of +her bustle. Now, book-keeper, be awake. Three insides here, and six +out. Pray, sir," touching his hat to me, "are you booked here? Oh! Mr. +Jorrocks, I see. I begs your pardon. Jump up, then; be lively! what +luggage have you?" "Two carpet-bags, with J. J., Great Coram Street, +upon them." "There, then we'll put them in the front boot, and you'll +have them under you. All right behind? Sit tight!" Hist! off we go by +St. Mertain's Church into the Strand, to the booking-office there. + +The streets were werry full, but Sir Wincent wormed his way among the +coal-wagons, wans, busses, coaches, bottom-over-tops,--in wulgar French, +"cow sur tate," as they calls the new patent busses--trucks, cabs, &c., +in a marvellous workmanlike manner, which seemed the more masterly, +inasmuch as the leaders, having their heads at liberty, poked them about +in all directions, all a mode Francey, just as they do in Paris. At the +Marsh gate we were stopped. A black job was going through on one side, +and a haw-buck had drawn a great yellow one 'oss Gravesend cruelty wan +into the other, and was fumbling for his coin. + +"Now, Young Omnibus!" cried Sir Wincent, "don't be standing there all +day." The man cut into his nag, but the brute was about beat. "There, +don't 'it him so 'ard (hard)," said Sir Wincent, "or you may hurt him!" + +When we got near the Helephant and Castle, Timothy Odgkinson, of Brixton +Hill, a low, underselling grocer, got his measly errand cart, with his +name and address in great staring white letters, just in advance of the +leaders, and kept dodging across the road to get the sound ground, +for the whole line was werry "woolley" as you calls it. "Come, Mister +independent grocer! go faster if you can," cries Sir Wincent, "though I +think you have bought your horse where you buy your tea, for he's werry +sloe." A little bit farther on a chap was shoving away at a truck full +of market-baskets. "Now, Slavey," said he, "keep out of my way!" At the +Helephant and Castle, and, indeed, wherever he stopped, there were lots +of gapers assembled to see the Baronet coachman, but Sir Wincent never +minded them, but bustled about with his way-bill, and shoved in his +parcels, fish-baskets, and oyster-barrels like a good 'un. We pulled up +to grub at the Feathers at Merstham, and 'artily glad I was, for I was +far on to famish, having ridden whole twenty-five miles in a cold, +frosty air without morsel of wittles of any sort. When the Bart. pulled +up, he said, "Now, ladies and gentlemen--twenty minutes allowed here, +and let me adwise you to make the most of it." I took the 'int, and heat +away like a regular bagman, who can always dispatch his ducks and green +peas in ten minutes. + +We started again, and about one hundred yards below the pike stood a lad +with a pair of leaders to clap on, for the road, as I said before, was +werry woolley. "Now, you see, Mr. Jorrocks," said Sir Wincent, "I do old +Pikey by having my 'osses on this side. The old screw drew me for four +shillings one day for my leaders, two each way, so, says I, 'My covey, +if you don't draw it a little milder, I'll send my 'osses from the +stable through my friend Sir William Jolliffe's fields to the other side +of your shop,' and as he wouldn't, you see here they are, and he gets +nothing." + +The best of company, they say, must part, and Baronets "form no +exception to the rule," as I once heard Dr. Birkbeck say. About a mile +below the halfway 'ouse another coach hove in sight, and each pulling +up, they proved to be as like each other as two beans, and beneath a +mackintosh, like a tent cover, I twigged my friend Brackenbury's jolly +phiz. "How are you, Jorrocks?" and "How are you, Brack?" flew across +like billiard-balls, while Sir Wincent, handing me the ribbons, said, +"Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all a good morning and a pleasant +ride," and Brack having done the same by his coach and passengers, +the two heroes met on terry firmey, as we say in France, to exchange +way-bills and directions about parcels. "Now," said Sir Wincent, "you'll +find Miss----'s bustle under the front seat--send it off to the Marine +Parade the instant you get in, for she wants it to make herself up +to-night for a party." "By Jove, that's lucky," said Brackenbury, "for +I'll be hanged if I haven't got old Lady----'s false dinner-set of +ivories in my waistcoat pocket, which I should have forgot if you hadn't +mentioned t'other things, and then the old lady would have lost her +blow-out this Christmas. Here they are," handing out a small box, "and +mind you leave them yourself, for they tell me they are costly, being +all fixed in coral, with gold springs, and I don't know what--warranted +to eat of themselves, they say." "She has lost her modesty with her +teeth, it seems," said Sir Wincent. "Old women ought to be ashamed to be +seen out of their graves after their grinders are gone. I'll pound it +the old tabby carn't be under one hundred. But quick! who does that +d----d parrot and the cock-a-too belong to that you've got stuck up +there? and look, there's a canary and all! I'll be d----d if you don't +bring me a coach loaded like Wombwell's menagerie every day! Well, be +lively! 'Twill be all the same one hundred years hence.--All right? Sit +tight! Good night!" + +"Well, Mr. Jorrocks, it's long since we met," said Brackenbury, looking +me over--"never, I think, since I showed you way over the Weald of +Sussex from Torrington Wood, on the gallant wite with the Colonel's +'ounds! Ah, those were rare days, Mr. Jorrocks! we shall never see their +like again! But you're looking fresh. Time lays a light hand on your +bearing-reins! I hope it will be long ere you are booked by the +Gravesend Buss. You don't lush much, I fancy?" added he, putting a +lighted cigar in his mouth. "Yes, I does," said I--"a good deal; but +I tells you what, Brackenbury, I doesn't fumigate none--it's the +fumigation that does the mischief," and thereupon we commenced a +hargument on the comparitive mischief of smoking and drinking, which +ended without either being able to convince the other. "Well, at all +events, you gets beefey, Brackenbury," said I; "you must be a couple of +stone heavier than when we used to talliho the 'ounds together. I think +I could lead you over the Weald now, at all ewents if the fences were +out of the way," for I must confess that Brack was always a terrible +chap at the jumps, and could go where few would follow. + +We did the journey within the six hours--werry good work, considering +the load and the state of the roads. No coach like the "Age"--in my +opinion. I was so werry much pleased with Brack's driving, that I +presented him with a four-in-hand whip. + +I put up at Jonathan Boxall's, the Star and Garter, one of the +pleasantest and best-conducted houses in all Brighton. It is close to +the sea, and just by Mahomed, the sham-poor's shop. I likes Jonathan, +for he is a sportsman, and we spin a yarn together about 'unting, and +how he used to ride over the moon when he whipped in to St. John, in +Berkshire. But it's all talk with Jonathan now, for he's more like a +stranded grampus now than a fox-hunter. In course I brought down a pair +of kickseys and pipe-cases, intending to have a round with the old +muggers, but the snow put a stop to all that. I heard, however, that +both the Telscombe Tye and the Devil's Dike dogs had been running their +half-crown rounds after hares, some of which ended in "captures," others +in "escapes," as the newspapers terms them. I dined at the Albion on +Christmas Day, and most misfortunately, my appetite was ready before the +joints, so I had to make my dinner off Mary Ann cutlets, I think they +call them, that is to say, chops screwed up in large curl papers, and +such-like trifles. I saw some chaps drinking small glasses of stuff, so +I asked the waiter what it was, and, thinking he said "Elixir of Girls," +I banged the table, and said, "Elixir of Girls! that's the stuff for my +money--give me a glass." The chap laughed, and said, "Not Girls, sir, +but Garus"; and thereupon he gave another great guffaw. + +It is a capital coffee-room, full of winders, and finely-polished +tables, waiters in silk stockings, and they give spermaceti cheese, and +burn Parmesan candles. The chaps in it, however, were werry unsociable, +and there wasn't a man there that I would borrow half a crown to get +drunk with. Stickey is the landlord, but he does not stick it in so deep +as might be expected from the looks of the house, and the cheese and +candles considered. It was a most tempestersome night, and, having eaten +and drank to completion, I determined to go and see if my aunt, in +Cavendish Street, was alive; and after having been nearly blown out to +France several times, I succeeded in making my point and running to +ground. The storm grew worser and worser, and when I came to open the +door to go away, I found it blocked with snow, and the drifts whirling +about in all directions. My aunt, who is a werry feeling woman, insisted +on my staying all night, which only made the matter worse, for when I +came to look out in the morning I found the drift as high as the +first floor winder, and the street completely buried in snow. Having +breakfasted, and seeing no hopes of emancipation, I hangs out a flag of +distress--a red wipe--which, after flapping about for some time, drew +three or four sailors and a fly-man or two. I explained from the winder +how dreadfully I was situated, prayed of them to release me, but the +wretches did nothing but laugh, and ax wot I would give to be out. At +last one of them, who acted as spokesman, proposed that I should put +an armchair out of the winder, and pay them five shillings each for +carrying me home on their shoulders. It seemed a vast of money, but the +storm continuing, the crowd increasing, and I not wishing to kick up +a row at my aunt's, after offering four and sixpence, agreed to their +terms, and throwing out a chair, plumped up to the middle in a drift. +Three cheers followed the feat, which drew all the neighbours to the +winders, when about half a dozen fellows, some drunk, some sober, and +some half-and-half, pulled me into the chair, hoisted me on to their +shoulders, and proceeded into St. James's Street, bellowing out, "Here's +the new member for Brighton! Here's the boy wot sleeps in Cavendish +Street! Huzzah, the old 'un for ever! There's an elegant man for a +small tea-party! Who wants a fat chap to send to their friends this +Christmas?" The noise they made was quite tremendious, and the snow in +many places being up to their middles, we made werry slow progress, but +still they would keep me in the chair, and before we got to the end of +the street the crowd had increased to some hundreds. Here they began +snow-balling, and my hat and wig soon went flying, and then there was a +fresh holloa. "Here's Mr. Wigney, the member for Brighton," they cried +out; "I say, old boy, are you for the ballot? You must call on the King +this morning; he wants to give you a Christmas-box." Just then one of +the front bearers tumbled, and down we all rolled into a drift, just +opposite Daly's backey shop. There were about twenty of us in together, +but being pretty near the top, I was soon on my legs, and seeing +an opening, I bolted right forward--sent three or four fellows +flying--dashed down the passage behind Saxby's wine vaults, across the +Steyne, floundering into the drifts, followed by the mob, shouting and +pelting me all the way. This double made some of the beggars over-shoot +the mark, and run past the statute of George the Fourth, but, seeing +their mistake, or hearing the other portion of the pack running in the +contrary direction, they speedily joined heads and tails, and gave me a +devil of a burst up the narrow lane by the Wite 'Orse 'Otel. Fortunately +Jonathan Boxall's door was open, and Jonathan himself in the passage +bar, washing some decanters. "Look sharp, Jonathan!" said I, dashing +past him as wite as a miller, "look sharp! come out of that, and +be after clapping your great carcase against the door to keep the +Philistines out, or they'll be the death of us both." Quick as thought +the door was closed and bolted before ever the leaders had got up, but, +finding this the case, the mob halted and proceeded to make a deuce of a +kick-up before the house, bellowing and shouting like mad fellows, and +threatening to pull it down if I did not show. Jonathan got narvous, +and begged and intreated me to address them. I recommended him to do it +himself, but he said he was quite unaccustomed to public speaking, and +he would stand two glasses of "cold without" if I would. "Hot with," +said I, "and I'll do it." "Done," said he, and he knocked the snow off +my coat, pulled my wig straight, and made me look decent, and took me +to a bow-winder'd room on the first floor, threw up; the sash, and +exhibited me to the company outside. I bowed and kissed my hand like a +candidate. They cheered and shouted, and then called for silence whilst; +I addressed them. "Gentlemen," said I, "Who are you?" "Why, we be the +men wot carried your honour's glory from Cavendish Street, and wants to +be paid for it."; "Gentlemen," said I, "I'm no orator, but I'm a honest +man; I pays everybody twenty shillings in the pound. and no mistake +(cheers). If you had done your part of the bargain, I would have done +mine, but 'ow can you expect to be paid after spilling me? This is a +most inclement day, and, whatever you may say to the contrary, I'm not +Mr. Clement Wigney."--"No, nor Mr. Faithful neither," bellowed one +of the bearers.--said I, "you'll get the complaints of the season, +chilblains and influhensa, if you stand dribbling there in the snow. Let +me advise you to mizzle, for, if you don't, I'm blowed if I don't divide +a whole jug of cold water equally amongst you. Go home to your wives and +children, and don't be after annoying an honest, independent, amiable +publican, like Jonathan Boxall. That's all I've got to say, and if I was +to talk till I'm black in the face, I couldn't say nothing more to +the purpose; so, I wishes you all 'A Merry Christmas and an 'Appy New +Year.'" + +But I'm fatiguing you, Mr. Nimrod, with all this, which is only +hinteresting to the parties concerned, so will pass on to other topics. +I saw the King riding in his coach with his Sunday coat on. He looked +werry well, but his nose was rather blueish at the end, a sure sign that +he is but a mortal, and feels the cold just like any other man. The +Queen did not show, but I saw some of her maids of honour, who made me +think of the Richmond cheesecakes. There were a host of pretty ladies, +and the cold gave a little colour to their noses, too, which, I think, +improved their appearance wastly, for I've always remarked that your +ladies of quality are rather pasty, and do not generally show their high +blood in their cheeks and noses. I'm werry fond of looking at pretty +girls, whether maids of 'onour or maids of all work. + +The storm stopped all wisiting, and even the Countess of Winterton's +ball was obliged to be put off. Howsomever, that did not interfere at +all with Jonathan Boxall and me, except that it, perhaps, made us take +a bottom of brandy more than usual, particularly after Jonathan had run +over again one of his best runs. + +Now, dear Nimrod, adieu. Whenever you comes over to England, I shall be +werry 'appy to see you in Great Coram Street, where dinner is on the +table punctually at five on week days, and four on Sundays; and with +best regards to Mrs. Nimrod, and all the little Nimrods, + +I remain, for Self and Co., yours to serve, + +JOHN JORROCKS. + + + +XII. MR. JORROCKS'S DINNER PARTY + +The general postman had given the final flourish to his bell, and the +muffin-girl had just begun to tinkle hers, when a capacious yellow +hackney-coach, with a faded scarlet hammer-cloth, was seen jolting down +Great Coram Street, and pulling up at Mr. Jorrocks's door. + +Before Jarvey had time to apply his hand to the area bell, after giving +the usual three knocks and a half to the brass lion's head on the door, +it was opened by the boy Benjamin in a new drab coat, with a blue +collar, and white sugar-loaf buttons, drab waistcoat, and black +velveteen breeches, with well-darned white cotton stockings. + +The knock drew Mr. Jorrocks from his dining-room, where he had been +acting the part of butler, for which purpose he had put off his coat and +appeared in his shirtsleeves, dressed in nankeen shorts, white gauze +silk stockings, white neckcloth, and white waistcoat, with a frill as +large as a hand-saw. Handing the bottle and corkscrew to Betsey, he +shuffled himself into a smart new blue saxony coat with velvet collar +and metal buttons, and advanced into the passage to greet the arrivers. + +"Oh! gentlemen, gentlemen," exclaimed he, "I'm so 'appy to see you--so +werry 'appy you carn't think," holding out both hands to the foremost, +who happened to be Nimrod; "this is werry kind of you, for I declare +it's six to a minute. 'Ow are you, Mr. Nimrod? Most proud to see you at +my humble crib. Well, Stubbs, my boy, 'ow do you do? Never knew you late +in my life," giving him a hearty slap on the back. "Mr. Spiers, I'm +werry 'appy to see you. You are just what a sporting publisher ought to +be--punctuality itself. Now, gentlemen, dispose of your tiles, and come +upstairs to Mrs. J----, and let's get you introduced." "I fear we are +late, Mr. Jorrocks," observed Nimrod, advancing past the staircase end +to hang up his hat on a line of pegs against the wall. + +"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Jorrocks--"not a bit of it--quite the +contrary--you are the first, in fact!" + +"Indeed!" replied Nimrod, eyeing a table full of hats by where he +stood--"why here are as many hats as would set up a shop. I really +thought I'd got into Beaver (Belvoir) Castle by mistake!" + +"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Happerley, werry good indeed--I owes you +one." + +"I thought it was a castor-oil mill," rejoined Mr. Spiers. + +"Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers, werry good indeed--owes you one +also--but I see what you're driving at. You think these hats have a +coconut apiece belonging to them upstairs. No such thing I assure you; +no such thing. The fact is, they are what I've won at warious times of +the members of our hunt, and as I've got you great sporting coves dining +with me, I'm a-going to set them out on my sideboard, just as racing +gents exhibit their gold and silver cups, you know. Binjimin! I say, +Binjimin! you blackguard," holloaing down the kitchen stairs, "why don't +you set out the castors as I told you? and see you brush them well!" +"Coming, sir, coming, sir!" replied Benjamin, from below, who at that +moment was busily engaged, taking advantage of Betsey's absence, in +scooping marmalade out of a pot with his thumb. "There's a good lot of +them," said Mr. Jorrocks, resuming the conversation, "four, six, eight, +ten, twelve, thirteen--all trophies of sporting prowess. Real good hats. +None o' your nasty gossamers, or dog-hair ones. There's a tile!" said +he, balancing a nice new white one with green rims on the tip of his +finger. "I won that in a most miraculous manner. A most wonderful +way, in fact. I was driving to Croydon one morning in my four-wheeled +one-'oss chay, and just as I got to Lilleywhite, the blacksmith's, +below Brixton Hill, they had thrown up a drain--a 'gulph' I may call +it--across the road for the purpose of repairing the gas-pipe--I was +rayther late as it was, for our 'ounds are werry punctual, and there was +nothing for me but either to go a mile and a half about, or drive slap +over the gulph. Well, I looked at it, and the more I looked at it the +less I liked it; but just as I was thinking I had seen enough of it, and +was going to turn away, up tools Timothy Truman in his buggy, and he, +too, began to crane and look into the abyss--and a terrible place it +was, I assure you--quite frightful, and he liked it no better than +myself. Seeing this, I takes courage, and said, 'Why, Tim, your 'oss +will do it!' 'Thank'e, Mr. J----,' said he, 'I'll follow you.' 'Then,' +said I, 'if you'll change wehicles'--for, mind ye, I had no notion of +damaging my own--'I'll bet you a hat I gets over.' 'Done,' said he, and +out he got; so I takes his 'oss by the head, looses the bearing-rein, +and leading him quietly up to the place and letting him have a look at +it, gave him a whack over the back, and over he went, gig and all, as +clever as could be!" + +_Stubbs_. Well done, Mr. J----, you are really a most wonderful man! You +have the most extraordinary adventures of any man breathing--but what +did you do with your own machine? + +_Jorrocks_. Oh! you see, I just turned round to Binjimin, who was with +me, and said, You may go home, and, getting into Timothy's buggy, I had +my ride for nothing, and the hat into the bargain. A nice hat it is +too--regular beaver--a guinea's worth at least. All true what I've told +you, isn't it, Binjimin? + +"Quite!" replied Benjamin, putting his thumb to his nose, and spreading +his fingers like a fan as he slunk behind his master. + +"But come, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Jorrocks, "let's be after going +upstairs.--Binjimin, announce the gentlemen as your missis taught you. +Open the door with your left hand, and stretch the right towards her, to +let the company see the point to make up to." + +The party ascend the stairs one at a time, for the flight is narrow and +rather abrupt, and Benjamin, obeying his worthy master's injunctions, +threw open the front drawing-room door, and discovered Mrs. Jorrocks +sitting in state at a round table, with annuals and albums spread at +orthodox distances around. The possession of this room had long been a +bone of contention between Mr. Jorrocks and his spouse, but at length +they had accommodated matters by Mr. Jorrocks gaining undivided +possession of the back drawing-room (communicating by folding-doors), +with the run of the front one equally with Mrs. Jorrocks on non-company +days. A glance, however, showed which was the master's and which the +mistress's room. The front one was papered with weeping willows, bending +under the weight of ripe cherries on a white ground, and the chair +cushions were covered with pea-green cotton velvet with yellow worsted +bindings. + +The round table was made of rosewood, and there was a "whatnot" on +the right of the fire-place of similar material, containing a +handsomely-bound collection of Sir Walter Scott's Works, in wood. The +carpet-pattern consisted of most dashing bouquets of many-coloured +flowers, in winding French horns on a very light drab ground, so light, +indeed, that Mr. Jorrocks was never allowed to tread upon it except in +pumps or slippers. The bell-pulls were made of foxes' brushes, and in +the frame of the looking-glass, above the white marble mantelpiece, +were stuck visiting-cards, notes of invitation, thanks for "obliging +inquiries," etc. The hearth-rug exhibited a bright yellow tiger, with +pink eyes, on a blue ground, with a flossy green border; and the fender +and fire-irons were of shining brass. On the wall, immediately opposite +the fire-place, was a portrait of Mrs. Jorrocks before she was married, +so unlike her present self that no one would have taken it for her. The +back drawing-room, which looked out upon the gravel walk and house-backs +beyond, was papered with broad scarlet and green stripes in honour of +the Surrey Hunt uniform, and was set out with a green-covered library +table in the centre, with a red morocco hunting-chair between it and the +window, and several good strong hair-bottomed mahogany chairs around the +walls. The table had a very literary air, being strewed with sporting +magazines, odd numbers of _Bell's Life_, pamphlets, and papers of +various descriptions, while on a sheet of foolscap on the portfolio were +ten lines of an elegy on a giblet pie which had been broken in coming +from the baker's, at which Mr. Jorrocks had been hammering for some +time. On the side opposite the fire-place, on a hanging range of +mahogany shelves, were ten volumes of _Bell's Life in London_, the _New +Sporting Magazine_, bound gilt and lettered, the _Memoirs of Harriette +Wilson, Boxiana_, Taplin's _Farriery_, Nimrod's _Life of Mytton_, and a +backgammon board that Mr. Jorrocks had bought by mistake for a history +of England. + +Mrs. Jorrocks, as we said before, was sitting in state at the far side +of the round table, on a worsted-worked ottoman exhibiting a cock +pheasant on a white ground, and was fanning herself with a red-and-white +paper fan, and turning over the leaves of an annual. How Mr. Jorrocks +happened to marry her, no one could ever divine, for she never was +pretty, had very little money, and not even a decent figure to recommend +her. It was generally supposed at the time, that his brother Joe and +he having had a deadly feud about a bottom piece of muffin, the lady's +friends had talked him into the match, in the hopes of his having a +family to leave his money to, instead of bequeathing it to Joe or his +children. Certain it is, they never were meant for each other; Mr. +Jorrocks, as our readers have seen, being all nature and impulse, while +Mrs. Jorrocks was all vanity and affectation. To describe her accurately +is more than we can pretend to, for she looked so different in different +dresses, that Mr. Jorrocks himself sometimes did not recognise her. Her +face was round, with a good strong brick-dust sort of complexion, a +turn-up nose, eyes that were grey in one light and green in another, and +a middling-sized mouth, with a double chin below. Mr. Jorrocks used +to say that she was "warranted" to him as twelve years younger than +himself, but many people supposed the difference of age between them was +not so great. Her stature was of the middle height, and she was of one +breadth from the shoulders to the heels. She was dressed in a flaming +scarlet satin gown, with swan's-down round the top, as also at the arms, +and two flounces of the same material round the bottom. Her turban was +of green velvet, with a gold fringe, terminating in a bunch over the +left side, while a bird-of-paradise inclined towards the right. Across +her forehead she wore a gold band, with a many-coloured glass butterfly +(a present from James Green), and her neck, arms, waist (at least +what ought to have been her waist) were hung round and studded with +mosaic-gold chains, brooches, rings, buttons, bracelets, etc., looking +for all the world like a portable pawnbroker's shop, or the lump of beef +that Sinbad the sailor threw into the Valley of Diamonds. In the right +of a gold band round her middle, was an immense gold watch, with a bunch +of mosaic seals appended to a massive chain of the same material; and a +large miniature of Mr. Jorrocks when he was a young man, with his hair +stiffly curled, occupied a place on her left side. On her right arm +dangled a green velvet bag with a gold cord, out of which one of +Mr. Jorrocks's silk handkerchiefs protruded, while a crumpled, +yellowish-white cambric one, with a lace fringe, lay at her side. + +On an hour-glass stool, a little behind Mrs. Jorrocks, sat her niece +Belinda (Joe Jorrocks's eldest daughter), a nice laughing pretty girl of +sixteen, with languishing blue eyes, brown hair, a nose of the "turn-up" +order, beautiful mouth and teeth, a very fair complexion, and a +gracefully moulded figure. She had just left one of the finishing and +polishing seminaries in the neighbourhood of Bromley, where, for two +hundred a year and upwards, all the teasing accomplishments of life are +taught, and Mrs. Jorrocks, in her own mind, had already appropriated her +to James Green, while Mr. Jorrocks, on the other hand, had assigned her +to Stubbs. Belinda's dress was simplicity itself; her silken hair +hung in shining tresses down her smiling face, confined by a plain +tortoiseshell comb behind, and a narrow pink velvet band before. Round +her swan-like neck was a plain white cornelian necklace; and her +well-washed white muslin frock, confined by a pink sash, flowing behind +in a bow, met in simple folds across her swelling bosom. Black sandal +shoes confined her fairy feet, and with French cotton stockings, +completed her toilette. Belinda, though young, was a celebrated eastern +beauty, and there was not a butcher's boy in Whitechapel, from Michael +Scales downwards, but what eyed her with delight as she passed along +from Shoreditch on her daily walk. + +The presentations having been effected, and the heat of the day, the +excellence of the house, the cleanliness of Great Coram Street--the +usual topics, in short, when people know nothing of each other--having +been discussed, our party scattered themselves about the room to await +the pleasing announcement of dinner. Mr. Jorrocks, of course, was in +attendance upon Nimrod, while Mr. Stubbs made love to Belinda behind +Mrs. Jorrocks. + +Presently a loud long-protracted "rat-tat-tat-tat-tan, +rat-tat-tat-tat-tan," at the street door sounded through the house, and +Jorrocks, with a slap on his thigh, exclaimed, "By Jingo! there's Green. +No man knocks with such wigorous wiolence as he does. All Great Coram +Street and parts adjacent know when he comes. Julius Caesar himself +couldn't kick up a greater row." "What Green is it, Green of +Rollestone?" inquired Nimrod, thinking of his Leicestershire friend. +"No," said Mr. Jorrocks, "Green of Tooley Street. You'll have heard of +the Greens in the borough, 'emp, 'op, and 'ide (hemp, hop, and hide) +merchants--numerous family, numerous as the 'airs in my vig. This is +James Green, jun., whose father, old James Green, jun., _verd antique_, +as I calls him, is the son of James Green, sen., who is in the 'emp +line, and James is own cousin to young old James Green, sen., whose +father is in the 'ide line." The remainder of the pedigree was lost by +Benjamin throwing open the door and announcing Mr. Green; and Jemmy, +who had been exchanging his cloth boots for patent-leather pumps, came +bounding upstairs like a racket-ball. "My dear Mrs. Jorrocks," cried he, +swinging through the company to her, "I'm delighted to see you looking +so well. I declare you are fifty per cent younger than you were. +Belinda, my love, 'ow are you? Jorrocks, my friend, 'ow do ye do?" + +"Thank ye, James," said Jorrocks, shaking hands with him most cordially, +"I'm werry well, indeed, and delighted to see you. Now let me present +you to Nimrod." + +"Ay, Nimrod!" said Green, in his usual flippant style, with a nod of his +head, "'ow are ye, Nimrod? I've heard of you, I think--Nimrod Brothers +and Co., bottle merchants, Crutched Friars, ain't it?" + +"No," said Jorrocks, in an undertone with a frown--Happerley Nimrod, the +great sporting hauthor." + +"True," replied Green, not at all disconcerted, "I've heard of +him--Nimrod--the mighty 'unter before the lord. Glad to see ye, Nimrod. +Stubbs, 'ow are ye?" nodding to the Yorkshireman, as he jerked himself +on to a chair on the other side of Belinda. + +As usual, Green was as gay as a peacock. His curly flaxen wig projected +over his forehead like the roof of a Swiss cottage, and his pointed +gills were supported by a stiff black mohair stock, with a broad front +and black frill confined with jet studs down the centre. His coat was +light green, with archery buttons, made very wide at the hips, with +which he sported a white waistcoat, bright yellow ochre leather +trousers, pink silk stockings, and patent-leather pumps. In his hand he +carried a white silk handkerchief, which smelt most powerfully of musk; +and a pair of dirty wristbands drew the eye to sundry dashing rings upon +his fingers. + +Jonathan Crane, a little long-nosed old city wine-merchant, a member of +the Surrey Hunt, being announced and presented, Mrs. Jorrocks declared +herself faint from the heat of the room, and begged to be excused for a +few minutes. Nimrod, all politeness, was about to offer her his arm, but +Mr. Jorrocks pulled him back, whispering, "Let her go, let her go." "The +fact is," said he in an undertone after she was out of hearing, "it's a +way Mrs. J---- has when she wants to see that dinner's all right. +You see she's a terrible high-bred woman, being a cross between a +gentleman-usher and a lady's-maid, and doesn't like to be supposed to +look after these things, so when she goes, she always pretend to faint. +You'll see her back presently," and, just as he spoke, in she came with +a half-pint smelling-bottle at her nose. Benjamin followed immediately +after, and throwing open the door proclaimed, in a half-fledged voice, +that "dinner was sarved," upon which the party all started on their +legs. + +"Now, Mr. Happerley Nimrod," cried Jorrocks, "you'll trot Mrs. J---- +down--according to the book of etiquette, you know, giving her the +wall side.[25] Sorry, gentlemen, I havn't ladies apiece for you, but my +sally-manger, as we say in France, is rayther small, besides which I +never like to dine more than eight. Stubbs, my boy, Green and you must +toss up for Belinda--here's a halfpenny, and let be 'Newmarket'[26] if +you please. Wot say you? a voman! Stubbs wins!" cried Mr. Jorrocks, as +the halfpenny fell head downwards. "Now, Spiers, couple up with Crane, +and James and I will whip in to you. But stop, gentlemen!" cried +Mr. Jorrocks, as he reached the top of the stairs, "let me make one +request--that you von't eat the windmill you'll see on the centre of the +table. Mrs. Jorrocks has hired it for the evening, of Mr. Farrell, the +confectioner, in Lamb's Conduit Street, and it's engaged to two or three +evening parties after it leaves this." "Lauk, John! how wulgar you are. +What matter can it make to your friends where the windmill comes from!" +exclaimed Mrs. Jorrocks in an audible voice from below, Nimrod, with +admirable skill, having piloted her down the straights and turns of the +staircase. Having squeezed herself between the backs of the chairs and +the wall, Mrs. Jorrocks at length reached the head of the table, and +with a bump of her body and wave of her hand motioned Nimrod to take the +seat on her right. Green then pushed past Belinda and Stubbs, and +took the place on Mrs. Jorrocks's left, so Stubbs, with a dexterous +manoeuvre, placed himself in the centre of the table, with Belinda +between himself and her uncle. Crane and Spiers then filled the vacant +places on Nimrod's side, Mr. Spiers facing Mr. Stubbs. + +[Footnote 25: "In your passage from one room to another, offer the lady +the wall in going downstairs," etc,--_Spirit of Etiquette._] + +[Footnote 26: "We have repeatedly decided that Newmarket is _one_ +toss."--_Bell's Life._] + +The dining-room was the breadth of the passage narrower than the front +drawing-room, and, as Mr. Jorrocks truly said, was rayther small--but +the table being excessively broad, made the room appear less than it +was. It was lighted up with spermaceti candles in silver holders, one at +each corner of the table, and there was a lamp in the wall between the +red-curtained windows, immediately below a brass nail, on which Mr. +Jorrocks's great hunting-whip and a bunch of boot garters were hung. Two +more candles in the hands of bronze Dianas on the marble mantelpiece, +lighted up a coloured copy of Barraud's picture of John Warde on Blue +Ruin; while Mr. Ralph Lambton, on his horse Undertaker, with his hounds +and men, occupied a frame on the opposite wall. The old-fashioned +cellaret sideboard, against the wall at the end, supported a large +bright-burning brass lamp, with raised foxes round the rim, whose +effulgent rays shed a brilliant halo over eight black hats and two white +ones, whereof the four middle ones were decorated with evergreens and +foxes' brushes. The dinner table was crowded, not covered. There was +scarcely a square inch of cloth to be seen on any part. In the centre +stood a magnificent finely spun barley-sugar windmill, two feet and a +half high, with a spacious sugar foundation, with a cart and horses and +two or three millers at the door, and a she-miller working a ball-dress +flounce at a lower window. + +The whole dinner, first, second, third, fourth course --everything, +in fact, except dessert--was on the table, as we sometimes see it at +ordinaries and public dinners. Before both Mr. and Mrs. Jorrocks were +two great tureens of mock-turtle soup, each capable of holding a gallon, +and both full up to the brim. Then there were two sorts of fish; turbot +and lobster sauce, and a great salmon. A round of boiled beef and an +immense piece of roast occupied the rear of these, ready to march on the +disappearance of the fish and soup--and behind the walls, formed by the +beef of old England, came two dishes of grouse, each dish holding three +brace. The side dishes consisted of a calf's head hashed, a leg of +mutton, chickens, ducks, and mountains of vegetables; and round the +windmill were plum-puddings, tarts, jellies, pies, and puffs. + +Behind Mrs. Jorrocks's chair stood "Batsay" with a fine brass-headed +comb in her hair, and stiff ringlets down her ruddy cheeks. She was +dressed in a green silk gown, with a coral necklace, and one of Mr. +Jorrocks's lavender and white coloured silk pocket-handkerchiefs made +into an apron. "Binjimin" stood with the door in his hand, as the saying +is, with a towel twisted round his thumb, as though he had cut it. + +"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Jorrocks, casting his eye up the table, as +soon as they had all got squeezed and wedged round it, and the dishes +were uncovered, "you see your dinner, eat whatever you like except the +windmill--hope you'll be able to satisfy nature with what's on--would +have had more but Mrs. J---- is so werry fine, she won't stand two +joints of the same sort on the table." + +_Mrs. J._ Lauk, John, how can you be so wulgar! Who ever saw two rounds +of beef, as you wanted to have? Besides, I'm sure the gentlemen will +excuse any little defishency, considering the short notice we have had, +and that this is not an elaborate dinner. + +_Mr. Spiers._ I'm sure, ma'm, there's no de_fish_ency at all. Indeed, +I think there's as much fish as would serve double the number--and I'm +sure you look as if you had your soup "on sale or return," as we say in +the magazine line. + +_Mr. J._ Haw! haw! haw! werry good, Mr. Spiers. I owe you one. Not bad +soup though--had it from Birch's. Let me send you some; and pray lay +into it, or I shall think you don't like it. Mr. Happerley, let me send +you some--and, gentlemen, let me observe, once for all, that there's +every species of malt liquor under the side table. Prime stout, from the +Marquess Cornwallis, hard by. Also ale, table, and what my friend Crane +there calls lamen_table_--he says, because it's so werry small--but, in +truth, because I don't buy it of him. There's all sorts of drench, in +fact, except water--thing I never touch--rots one's shoes, don't know +what it would do with one's stomach if it was to get there. Mr. Crane, +you're eating nothing. I'm quite shocked to see you; you don't surely +live upon hair? Do help yourself, or you'll faint from werry famine. +Belinda, my love, does the Yorkshireman take care of you? Who's for some +salmon?--bought at Luckey's, and there's both Tallyho and Tantivy sarce +to eat with it. Somehow or other I always fancies I rides harder after +eating these sarces with fish. Mr. Happerley Nimrod, you are the +greatest man at table, consequently I axes you to drink wine first, +according to the book of etiquette--help yourself, sir. Some of Crane's +particklar, hot and strong, real stuff, none of your wan de bones (vin +de beaume) or rot-gut French stuff--hope you like it--if you don't, pray +speak your mind freely, now that we have Crane among us. Binjimin, get +me some of that duck before Mr. Spiers, a leg and a wing, if you please, +sir, and a bit of the breast. + +_Mr. Spiers._ Certainly, sir, certainly. Do you prefer a right or left +wing, sir? + +_Mr. Jorrocks._ Oh, either. I suppose it's all the same. + +_Mr. Spiers._ Why no, sir, it's not exactly all the same; for it happens +there is only one remaining, therefore it must be the _left_ one. + +_Mr. J._ (chuckling). Haw! haw! haw! Mr. S----, werry good that--werry +good indeed. I owes you two. + +"I'll trouble you for a little, Mr. Spiers, if you please," says Crane, +handing his plate round the windmill. + +"I'm sorry, sir, it is all gone," replies Mr. Spiers, who had just +filled Mr. Jorrocks's plate; "there's nothing left but the neck," +holding it up on the fork. + +"Well, send it," rejoins Mr. Crane; "neck or nothing, you know, Mr. +Jorrocks, as we say with the Surrey." + +"Haw! haw! haw!" grunts Mr. Jorrocks, who is busy sucking a bone; "haw! +hawl haw! werry good, Crane, werry good--owes you one. Now, gentlemen," +added he, casting his eye up the table as he spoke, "let me adwise +ye, before you attack the grouse, to take the hedge (edge) off your +appetites, or else there won't be enough, and, you know, it does not do +to eat the farmer after the gentlemen. Let's see, now--three and three +are six, six brace among eight--oh dear, that's nothing like enough. I +wish, Mrs. J----, you had followed my adwice, and roasted them all. And +now, Binjimin, you're going to break the windmill with your clumsiness, +you little dirty rascal! Why von't you let Batsay arrange the table? +Thank you, Mr. Crane, for your assistance--your politeness, sir, exceeds +your beauty." [A barrel organ strikes up before the window, and Jorrocks +throws down his knife and fork in an agony.] "Oh dear, oh dear, there's +that cursed horgan again. It's a regular annihilator. Binjimin, run and +kick the fellow's werry soul out of him. There's no man suffers so much +from music as I do. I wish I had a pocketful of sudden deaths, that I +might throw one at every thief of a musicianer that comes up the street. +I declare the scoundrel has set all my teeth on edge. Mr. Nimrod, pray +take another glass of wine after your roast beef.--Well, with Mrs. J---- +if you choose, but I'll join you--always says that you are the werry +cleverest man of the day--read all your writings--anny-tommy (anatomy) +of gaming, and all. Am a hauthor myself, you know--once set to, to write +a werry long and elaborate harticle on scent, but after cudgelling my +brains, and turning the thing over and over again in my mind, all that I +could brew on the subject was, that scent was a werry rum thing; nothing +rummer than scent, except a woman." + +"Pray," cried Mrs. Jorrocks, her eyes starting as she spoke, "don't let +us have any of your low-lifed stable conversation here--you think to +show off before the ladies," added she, "and flatter yourself you talk +about what we don't understand. Now, I'll be bound to say, with all your +fine sporting hinformation, you carn't tell me whether a mule brays or +neighs!" + +"Vether a mule brays or neighs?" repeated Mr. Jorrocks, considering. +"I'll lay I can!" + +"Which, then?" inquired Mrs. Jorrocks. + +"Vy, I should say it brayed." + +"Mule bray!" cried Mrs. Jorrocks, clapping her hands with delight, +"there's a cockney blockhead for you! It brays, does it?" + +_Mr. Jorrocks. _I meant to say, neighed. + +"Ho! ho! ho!" grinned Mrs. J----, "neighs, does it? You are a nice man +for a fox-'unter--a mule neighs--thought I'd catch you some of these +odd days with your wain conceit." + +"Vy, what does it do then?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, his choler rising as +he spoke. "I hopes, at all ewents, he don't make the 'orrible noise you +do." + +"Why, it screams, you great hass!" rejoined his loving spouse. + +A single, but very resolute knock at the street door, sounding quite +through the house, stopped all further ebullition, and Benjamin, +slipping out, held a short conversation with someone in the street, and +returned. + +"What's happened now, Binjimin?" inquired Mr. Jorrocks, with anxiety +on his countenance, as the boy re-entered the room; "the 'osses arn't +amiss, I 'ope?" + +"Please, sir, Mr. Farrell's young man has come for the windmill--he says +you've had it two hours," replied Benjamin. + +"The deuce be with Mr. Farrell's young man! he does not suppose we can +part with the mill before the cloth's drawn--tell him to mizzle, or I'll +mill him. 'Now's the day and now's the hour'; who's for some grouse? +Gentlemen, make your game, in fact. But first of all let's have a round +robin. Pass the wine, gentlemen. What wine do you take, Stubbs." + +"Why, champagne is good enough for me." + +_Mr. Jorrocks,_ I dare say; but if you wait till you get any here, you +will have a long time to stop. Shampain, indeed! had enough of that +nonsense abroad--declare you young chaps drink shampain like hale. +There's red and wite port, and sherry, in fact, and them as carn't +drink, they must go without. + + X. was expensive and soon became poor, + Y. was the wise man and kept want from the door. + +"Now for the grouse!" added he, as the two beefs disappeared, and they +took their stations at the top and bottom of the table. "Fine birds, to +be sure! Hope you havn't burked your appetites, gentlemen, so as not to +be able to do justice to them--smell high--werry good--gamey, in fact. +Binjimin. take an 'ot plate to Mr. Nimrod--sarve us all round with +them." + +The grouse being excellent, and cooked to a turn, little execution was +done upon the pastry, and the jellies had all melted long before it +came to their turn to be eat. At length everyone, Mr. Jorrocks and all, +appeared satisfied, and the noise of knives and forks was succeeded by +the din of tongues and the ringing of glasses, as the eaters refreshed +themselves with wine or malt liquors. Cheese and biscuit being handed +about on plates, according to the _Spirit of Etiquette_. Binjimin and +Batsay at length cleared the table, lifted off the windmill, and removed +the cloth. Mr. Jorrocks then delivered himself of a most emphatic grace. + +The wine and dessert being placed on the table, the ceremony of +drinking healths all round was performed. "Your good health, Mrs. +J----.--Belinda, my loove, your good health--wish you a good +'usband.--Nimrod, your good health.--James Green, your good health.--Old +_verd antique's_ good health.--Your uncle's good health.--All the Green +family.--Stubbs, your good health.--Spiers, Crane, etc." The bottles +then pass round three times, on each of which occasions Mrs. Jorrocks +makes them pay toll. The fourth time she let them pass; and Jorrocks +began to grunt, hem, and haw, and kick the leg of the table, by way of +giving her a hint to depart. This caused a dead silence, which at length +was broken by the Yorkshireman's exclaiming "horrid pause!" + +"Horrid paws!" vociferated Mrs. J----, in a towering rage, "so would +yours, let me tell you, sir, if you had helped to cook all that dinner": +and gathering herself up and repeating the words "horrid paws, indeed, +I like your imperence," she sailed out of the room like an exasperated +turkey-cock; her face, from heat, anger, and the quantity she had drank, +being as red as her gown. Indeed, she looked for all the world as if she +had been put into a furnace and blown red hot. Jorrocks having got rid +of his "worser half," as he calls her, let out a reef or two of his acre +of white waistcoat, and each man made himself comfortable according to +his acceptation of the term. "Gentlemen," says Jorrocks, "I'll trouble +you to charge your glasses, 'eel-taps off--a bumper toast--no +skylights, if you please. Crane, pass the wine--you are a regular +old stop-bottle--a turnpike gate, in fact. I think you take back +hands--gentlemen, are you all charged?--then I'll give you THE NOBLE +SPORT OF FOX-'UNTING! gentlemen, with three times three, and Crane will +give the 'ips--all ready--now, ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza--'ip, +'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza--'ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'uzza, 'uzza, 'uzza.--one +cheer more, 'UZZA!" After this followed "The Merry Harriers," then came +"The Staggers," after that "The Trigger, and bad luck to Cheatum," +all bumpers; when Jorrocks, having screwed his courage up to the +sticking-place, called for another, which being complied with, he rose +and delivered himself as follows: + +"Gentlemen, in rising to propose the toast which I am now about to +propose--I feel--I feel--(Yorkshireman--'very queer?') J---- No, +not verry queer, and I'll trouble you to hold your jaw (laughter). +Gentlemen, I say, in rising to propose the toast which I am about to +give, I feel--I feel--(Crane--'werry nervous?') J---- No, not werry +nervous, so none of your nonsense; let me alone, I say. I say, in +rising to propose the toast which I am about to give, I feel--(Mr. +Spiers--'very foolish?' Nimrod--'very funny?' Crane--'werry rum?') J---- +No, werry proud of the distinguished honour that has been conferred upon +me--conferred upon me--conferred upon me--distinguished honour that has +been conferred upon me by the presence, this day, of one of the most +distinguished men--distinguished men--by the presence, this day, of one +of the most distinguished men and sportsmen--of modern times (cheers.) +Gentlemen--this is the proudest moment of my life! the eyes of England +are upon us! I give you the health of Mr. Happerley Nimrod." (Drunk with +three times three.) + +When the cheering, and dancing of the glasses had somewhat subsided, +Nimrod rose and spoke as follows: + +"Mr. Jorrocks, and gentlemen", + +"The handsome manner in which my health has been proposed by our worthy +and estimable host, and the flattering reception it has met with from +you, merit my warmest acknowledgments. I should, indeed, be unworthy of +the land which gave me birth, were I insensible of the honour which has +just been done me by so enlightened and distinguished an assembly as the +present. My friend, Mr. Jorrocks, has been pleased to designate me as +one of the most distinguished sportsmen of the day, a title, however, +to which I feel I have little claim: but this I may say, that I have +portrayed our great national sports in their brightest and most glowing +colours, and that on sporting subjects my pen shall yield to none +(cheers). I have ever been the decided advocate of many sports and +exercises, not only on account of the health and vigour they inspire, +but because I feel that they are the best safeguards on a nation's +energies, and the best protection against luxury, idleness, debauchery, +and effeminacy (cheers). The authority of all history informs us, +that the energies of countries flourished whilst manly sports have +flourished, and decayed as they died away (cheers). What says Juvenal, +when speaking of the entry of luxury into Rome?" + + Saevior armis + Luxuria incubuit, victumque ulciscitur orbem. + +"And we need only refer to ancient history, and to the writings of +Xenophon, Cicero, Horace, or Virgil, for evidence of the value they have +all attached to the encouragement of manly, active, and hardy pursuits, +and the evils produced by a degenerate and effeminate life on the +manners and characters of a people (cheers). Many of the most eminent +literary characters of this and of other countries have been ardently +attached to field sports; and who, that has experienced their beneficial +results, can doubt that they are the best promoters of the _mens sana +in corpore sano_--the body sound and the understanding clear (cheers)? +Gentlemen, it is with feelings of no ordinary gratification that I find +myself at the social and truly hospitable board of one of the most +distinguished ornaments of one of the most celebrated Hunts in this +great country, one whose name and fame have reached the four corners +of the globe--to find myself after so long an absence from my native +land--an estrangement from all that has ever been nearest and dearest to +my heart--once again surrounded by these cheerful countenances which +so well express the honest, healthful pursuits of their owners. Let +us then," added Nimrod, seizing a decanter and pouring himself out a +bumper, "drink, in true Kentish fire, the health and prosperity of +that brightest sample of civic sportsmen, the great and renowned JOHN +JORROCKS!" + +Immense applause followed the conclusion of this speech, during which +time the decanters buzzed round the table, and the glasses being +emptied, the company rose, and a full charge of Kentish fire followed; +Mr. Jorrocks, sitting all the while, looking as uncomfortable as men in +his situation generally do. + +The cheering having subsided, and the parties having resumed their +seats, it was his turn to rise, so getting on his legs, he essayed to +speak, but finding, as many men do, that his ideas deserted him the +moment the "eyes of England" were turned upon him, after two or three +hitches of his nankeens, and as many hems and haws, he very coolly +resumed his seat, and spoke as follows: + +"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I am taken quite +aback by this werry unexpected compliment (cheers); never since I filled +the hancient and honerable hoffice of churchwarden in the populous +parish of St. Botolph Without, have I experienced a gratification equal +to the present. I thank you from the werry bottom of my breeches-pocket +(applause). Gentlemen, I'm no horator, but I'm a honest man (cheers). +I should indeed be undeserving the name of a sportsman--undeserving of +being a member of that great and justly celebrated 'unt, of which Mr. +Happerley Nimrod has spun so handsome and flattering a yarn, if I +did not feel deeply proud of the compliment you have paid it. It is +unpossible for me to follow that great sporting scholar fairly over the +ridge and furrow of his werry intricate and elegant horation, for there +are many of those fine gentlemen's names--French, I presume--that he +mentioned, that I never heard of before, and cannot recollect; but if +you will allow me to run 'eel a little, I would make a few hobservations +on a few of his hobservations.--Mr. Happerley Nimrod, gentlemen, was +pleased to pay a compliment to what he was pleased to call my something +'ospitality. I am extremely obliged to him for it. To be surrounded +by one's friends is in my mind the 'Al' of 'uman 'appiness (cheers). +Gentlemen, I am most proud of the honour of seeing you all here to-day, +and I hope the grub has been to your likin' (cheers), if not, I'll +discharge my butcher. On the score of quantity there might be a little +deficiency, but I hope the quality was prime. Another time this shall +be all remedied (cheers). Gentlemen, I understand those cheers, and I'm +flattered by them--I likes 'ospitality!--I'm not the man to keep my +butter in a 'pike-ticket, or my coals in a quart pot (immense cheering). +Gentlemen, these are my sentiments, I leaves the flowers of speech to +them as is better acquainted with botany (laughter)--I likes plain +English, both in eating and talking, and I'm happy to see Mr. Happerley +Nimrod has not forgot his, and can put up with our homely fare, and do +without pantaloon cutlets, blankets of woe,[27] and such-like miseries." + +[Footnote 27: "Blanquette de veau."] + +"I hates their 'orse douvers (hors-d'oeuvres), their rots, and their +poisons (poissons); 'ord rot 'em, they near killed me, and right glad am +I to get a glass of old British black strap. And talking of black strap, +gentlemen, I call on old Crane, the man what supplies it, to tip us +a song. So now I'm finished--and you, Crane, lap up your liquor and +begin!" (applause). + +Crane was shy--unused to sing in company--nevertheless, if it was +the wish of the party, and if it would oblige his good customer, Mr. +Jorrocks, he would try his hand at a stave or two made in honour of the +immortal Surrey. Having emptied his glass and cleared his windpipe, +Crane commenced: + + "Here's a health to them that can ride! + Here's a health to them that can ride! + And those that don't wish good luck to the cause. + May they roast by their own fireside! + It's good to drown care in the chase, + It's good to drown care in the bowl. + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, + Here's his health from the depth of my soul." + + CHORUS + + "Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds. + And echo the shrill tally-ho!" + + "Here's a health to them that can ride! + Here's a health to them that ride bold! + May the leaps and the dangers that each has defied, + In columns of sporting be told! + Here's freedom to him that would walk! + Here's freedom to him that would ride! + There's none ever feared that the horn should be heard + Who the joys of the chase ever tried." + + "Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + Hurrah for the loud tally-ho! + It's good to support Daniel Haigh and his hounds, + And halloo the loud tally-ho!" + +"Beautiful! beautiful!" exclaimed Jorrocks, clapping his hands and +stamping as Crane had ceased. + + "A werry good song, and it's werry well sung. + Jolly companions every one!" + +"Gentlemen, pray charge your glasses--there's one toast we must drink in +a bumper if we ne'er take a bumper again. Mr. Spiers, pray charge your +glass--Mr. Stubbs, vy don't you fill up?--Mr. Nimrod, off with your 'eel +taps, pray--I'll give ye the 'Surrey 'Unt,' with all my 'art and soul. +Crane, my boy, here's your werry good health, and thanks for your song!" +(All drink the Surrey Hunt and Crane's good health, with applause, which +brings him on his legs with the following speech): + +"Gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking (laughter), I beg +leave on behalf of myself and the absent members of the Surrey 'Unt, to +return you our own most 'artfelt thanks for the flattering compliment +you have just paid us, and to assure you that the esteem and approbation +of our fellow-sportsmen is to us the magnum bonum of all earthly +'appiness (cheers and laughter). Gentlemen, I will not trespass longer +upon your valuable time, but as you seem to enjoy this wine of my friend +Mr. Jorrocks's, I may just say that I have got some more of the same +quality left, at from forty-two to forty-eight shillings a dozen, also +some good stout draught port, at ten and sixpence a gallon--some ditto +werry superior at fifteen; also foreign and British spirits, and Dutch +liqueurs, rich and rare." The conclusion of the vintner's address was +drowned in shouts of laughter. Mr. Jorrocks then called upon the company +in succession for a toast, a song, or a sentiment. Nimrod gave, "The +Royal Staghounds"; Crane gave, "Champagne to our real friends, and real +pain to our sham friends"; Green sung, "I'd be a butterfly"; Mr. Stubbs +gave, "Honest men and bonnie lasses"; and Mr. Spiers, like a patriotic +printer, gave, "The liberty of the Press," which he said was like +fox-hunting--"if we have it not we die"--all of which Mr. Jorrocks +applauded as if he had never heard them before, and drank in bumpers. It +was evident that unless tea was speedily announced he would soon become; + + O'er the ills of life victorious, + +for he had pocketed his wig, and had been clipping the Queen's English +for some time. After a pause, during which his cheeks twice changed +colour, from red to green and back to red, he again called for a bumper +toast, which he prefaced with the following speech, or parts of a +speech: + +"Gentlemen--in rising--propose toast about to give--feel werry--feel +werry--(Yorkshireman, 'werry muzzy?') J---- feel werry--(Mr. Spiers, +'werry sick?') J---- werry--(Crane, 'werry thirsty?') J---- feel +werry --(Nimrod, 'werry wise?') J---- no; but werry sensible --great +compliment--eyes of England upon us--give you the health--Mr. Happerley +Nimrod--three times three!" + +He then attempted to rise for the purpose of marking the time, but his +legs deserted his body, and after two or three lurches down he went with +a tremendous thump under the table. He called first for "Batsay," then +for "Binjimin," and, game to the last, blurted out, "Lift me up!--tie me +in my chair!--fill my glass!" + + + +XIII. THE DAY AFTER THE FEAST: +AN EPISODE BY THE YORKSHIREMAN + +On the morning after Mr. Jorrocks's "dinner party" I had occasion to go +into the city, and took Great Coram Street in my way. My heart misgave +me when I recollected Mrs. J---- and her horrid paws, but still I +thought it my duty to see how the grocer was after his fall. Arrived at +the house I rang the area bell, and Benjamin, who was cleaning knives +below, popped his head up, and seeing who it was, ran upstairs and +opened the door. His master was up, he said, but "werry bad," and his +misses was out. Leaving him to resume his knife-cleaning occupation, I +slipped quietly upstairs, and hearing a noise in the bedroom, opened the +door, and found Jorrocks sitting in his dressing-gown in an easy chair, +with Betsey patting his bald head with a damp towel. + +"Do that again, Batsay! Do that again!" was the first sound I heard, +being an invitation to Betsey to continue her occupation. "Here's the +Yorkshireman, sir," said Betsey, looking around. + +"Ah, Mr. York, how are you this morning?" said he, turning a pair of +eyes upon me that looked like boiled gooseberries--his countenance +indicating severe indisposition. "Set down, sir; set down--I'm werry +bad--werry bad indeed--bad go last night. Doesn't do to go to the +lush-crib this weather. How are you, eh? tell me all about it. Is Mr. +Nimrod gone?" + +"Don't know," said I; "I have just come from Lancaster Street, where I +have been seeing an aunt, and thought I would take Great Coram Street in +my way to the city, to ask how you do--but where's Mrs. Jorrocks?" + +_Jorrocks_. Oh, cuss Mrs. J----; I knows nothing about her--been reading +the Riot Act, and giving her red rag a holiday all the morning--wish +to God I'd never see'd her--took her for better and worser, it's werry +true; but she's a d----d deal worser than I took her for. Hope your +hat may long cover your family. Mrs. J----'s gone to the Commons to +Jenner--swears she'll have a diworce, a _mensa et thorax_, I think +she calls it--wish she may get it--sick of hearing her talk about +it--Jenner's the only man wot puts up with her, and that's because he +gets his fees. Batsay, my dear! you may damp another towel, and then +get me something to cool my coppers--all in a glow, I declare--complete +fever. You whiles go to the lush-crib, Mr. Yorkshireman; what now do you +reckon best after a regular drench? + +_Yorkshireman._ Oh, nothing like a glass of soda-water with a bottom of +brandy--some people prefer a sermon, but that won't suit you or I. After +your soda and brandy take a good chivy in the open air, and you'll be +all right by dinner-time. + +_Jorrocks._ Right I Bliss ye, I shall niver be right again. I can +scarce move out of my chair, I'm so bad--my head's just fit to split in +two--I'm in no state to be seen. + +_Yorkshireman._ Oh, pooh!--get your soda-water and brandy, then have +some strong coffee and a red herring, and you'll be all right, and +if you'll find cash, I'll find company, and we'll go and have a lark +together. + +_Jorrocks._ Couldn't really be seen out---besides, cash is werry scarce. +By the way, now that I come to think on it, I had a five-pounder in my +breeches last night. Just feel in the pocket of them 'ere nankeens, and +see that Mrs. J---- has not grabbed it to pay Jenner's fee with. + +_Yorkshireman_ (feels). No--all right--here it is--No. 10,497--I promise +to pay Mr. Thos. Rippon, or bearer, on demand, five pounds! Let's demand +it, and go and spend the cash. + +_Jorrocks._ No, no--put it back--or into the table-drawer, see--fives +are werry scarce with me--can't afford it--must be just before I'm +generous. + +_Yorkshireman._ Well, then, J----, you must just stay at home and get +bullied by Mrs. J----, who will be back just now, I dare say, perhaps +followed by Jenner and half Doctors' Commons. + +_Jorrocks_. The deuce! I forgot all that--curse Mrs. J---- and the +Commons too. Well, Mr. Yorkshireman, I don't care if I do go with +you--but where shall it be to? Some place where we can be quiet, for I +really am werry bad, and not up to nothing like a lark. + +_Yorkshireman_. Suppose we take a sniff of the +briny--Margate--Ramsgate--Broadstairs? + +_Jorrocks_. No, none of them places--over-well-known at 'em all--can't +be quiet--get to the lush-crib again, perhaps catch the cholera and go +to Gravesend by mistake. Let's go to the Eel Pye at Twickenham and live +upon fish. + +_Yorkshireman_. Fish! you old flat. Why, you know, you'd be the first to +cry out if you had to do so. No, no--let's have no humbug--here, drink +your coffee like a man, and then hustle your purse and see what it will +produce. Why, even Betsey's laughing at the idea of your living upon +fish. + +_Jorrocks_. Don't shout so, pray--your woice shoots through every nerve +of my head and distracts me (drinks). This is grand Mocho--quite the +cordial balm of Gilead--werry fine indeed. Now I feel rewived and can +listen to you. + +_Yorkshireman_. Well, then, pull on your boots--gird up your loins, and +let's go and spend this five pounds--stay away as long as it lasts, in +fact. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, but give me the coin--it's mine you know--and let me +be paymaster, or I know you'll soon be into dock again. That's right; +and now I have got three half-crowns besides, which I will add. + +_Yorkshireman_. And I've got three pence, which, not to be behind-hand +in point of liberality, I'll do the same with, so that we have got five +pounds seven shillings and ninepence between us, according to Cocker. + +_Jorrocks_. Between us, indeed! I likes that. You're a generous +churchwarden. + +_Yorkshireman_. Well--we won't stand upon trifles the principle is the +thing I look to--and not the amount. So now where to, your honour? + +After a long parley, we fixed upon Herne Bay. Our reasons for doing so +were numerous, though it would be superfluous to mention them, save +that the circumstance of neither of us ever having been there, and the +prospect of finding a quiet retreat for Jorrocks to recover in, were the +principal ones. Our arrangements were soon made. "Batsay," said J---- to +his principessa of a cook, slut, and butler, "the Yorkshireman and I are +going out of town to stay five pounds seven and ninepence, so put up my +traps." Two shirts (one to wash the other as he said), three pairs of +stockings, with other etceteras, were stamped into a carpet-bag, and +taking a cab, we called at the "Piazza," where I took a few things, and +away we drove to Temple Bar. "Stop here with the bags," said Jorrocks, +"while I go to the Temple Stairs and make a bargain with a Jacob +Faithful to put us on board, for if they see the bags they'll think it's +a case of necessity, and ask double; whereas I'll pretend I'm just going +a-pleasuring, and when I've made a bargain, I'll whistle, and you can +come." Away he rolled, and after the lapse of a few minutes I heard a +sort of shilling-gallery cat-call, and obeying the summons, found he had +concluded a bargain for one and sixpence. We reached St. Catherine's +Docks just as the Herne Bay boat--the _Hero_--moored alongside, +consequently were nearly the first on board. + +Herne Bay being then quite in its infancy, and this being what the cits +call a "weekday," they had rather a shy cargo, nor had they any of that +cockney tomfoolery that generally characterises a Ramsgate or Margate +crew, more particularly a Margate one. Indeed, it was a very slow cargo, +Jorrocks being the only character on board, and he was as sulky as a +bear with a sore head when anyone approached. The day was beautifully +fine, and a thin grey mist gradually disappeared from the Kentish hills +as we passed down the Thames. The river was gay enough. Adelaide, Queen +of Great Britain and Ireland, was expected on her return from Germany, +and all the vessels hung out their best and gayest flags and colours to +do her honour. The towns of Greenwich and Woolwich were in commotion. +Charity schools were marching, and soldiers were doing the like, while +steamboats went puffing down the river with cargoes to meet and escort +Her Majesty. When we got near Tilbury Fort, a man at the head of the +steamer announced that we should meet the Queen in ten minutes, and all +the passengers crowded on to the paddle-box of the side on which she +was to pass, to view and greet her. Jorrocks even roused himself up +and joined the throng. Presently a crowd of steamers were seen in the +distance, proceeding up the river at a rapid pace, with a couple of +lofty-masted vessels in tow, the first of which contained the royal +cargo. The leading steamboat was the celebrated _Magnet_--considered +the fastest boat on the river, and the one in which Jorrocks and myself +steamed from Margate, racing against and beating the _Royal William._ +This had the Lord Mayor and Aldermen on board, who had gone down to the +extent of the city jurisdiction to meet the Queen, and have an excuse +for a good dinner. The deck presented a gay scene, being covered with a +military band, and the gaudy-liveried lackeys belonging to the Mansion +House, and sheriffs whose clothes were one continuous mass of gold lace +and frippery, shining beautifully brilliant in the midday sun. The royal +yacht, with its crimson and gold pennant floating on the breeze, came +towering up at a rapid pace, with the Queen sitting under a canopy on +deck. As we neared, all hats were off, and three cheers--or at least as +many as we could wedge in during the time the cortege took to sweep past +us--were given, our band consisting of three brandy-faced musicians, +striking up _God save the King_--a compliment which Her Majesty +acknowledged by a little mandarining; and before the majority of the +passengers had recovered from the astonishment produced by meeting a +live Queen on the Thames, the whole fleet had shot out of sight. By the +time the ripple on the water, raised by their progress, had subsided, +we had all relapsed into our former state of apathy and sullenness. A +duller or staider set I never saw outside a Quakers' meeting. Still the +beggars eat, as when does a cockney not in the open air? The stewards of +these steamboats must make a rare thing of their places, for they have +plenty of custom at their own prices. In fact, being in a steamboat is a +species of personal incarceration, and you have only the option between +bringing your own prog, or taking theirs at whatever they choose to +charge--unless, indeed, a person prefers going without any. Jorrocks +took nothing. He laid down again after the Queen had passed, and never +looked up until we were a mile or two off Herne Bay. + +With the reader's permission, we will suppose that we have just landed, +and, bags in hand, ascended the flight of steps that conduct passengers, +as it were, from the briny ocean on to the stage of life. + +"My eyes!" said Jorrocks, as he reached the top, "wot a pier, and wot +a bit of a place! Why, there don't seem to be fifty houses altogether, +reckoning the windmill in the centre as one. What's this thing?" said +he to a ticket-porter, pointing to a sort of French diligence-looking +concern which had just been pushed up to the landing end. "To carry the +lumber, sir--live and dead--gentlemen and their bags, as don't like to +walk." "Do you charge anything for the ride?" inquired Jorrocks, with +his customary caution. "Nothing," was the answer. "Then, let's get on +the roof," said J----, "and take it easy, and survey the place as we go +along." So, accordingly, we clambered on to the top of the diligence, +"summa diligentia," and seated ourselves on a pile of luggage; being all +stowed away, and as many passengers as it would hold put inside, two +or three porters proceeded to propel the machine along the railroad on +which it runs. "Now, Mr. Yorkshireman," said Jorrocks, "we are in a +strange land, and it behoves us to proceed with caution, or we may spend +our five pounds seven and sixpence before we know where we are." + +_Yorkshireman_. Seven and ninepence it is, sir. + +_Jorrocks_. Well, be it so--five pounds seven and ninepence between two, +is by no means an impossible sum to spend, and the trick is to make +it go as far as we can. Now some men can make one guinea go as far as +others can make two, and we will try what we can do. In the first place, +you know I makes it a rule never to darken the door of a place wot calls +itself an 'otel, for 'otel prices and inn prices are werry different. +You young chaps don't consider these things, and as long as you have +got a rap in the world you go swaggering about, ordering claret and +waxlights, and everything wot's expensive, as though you must spend +money because you are in an inn. Now, that's all gammon. If a man +haven't got money he can't spend it; and we all know that many poor +folks are obliged at times to go to houses of public entertainment, +and you don't suppose that they pay for fire and waxlights, private +sitting-rooms, and all them 'ere sort of things. Now, said he, adjusting +his hunting telescope and raking the town of Herne Bay, towards which we +were gently approaching on our dignified eminence, but as yet had not +got near enough to descry "what was what" with the naked eye, I should +say yon great staring-looking shop directly opposite us is the cock inn +of the place (looks through his glass). I'm right P-i-e-r, Pier 'Otel I +reads upon the top, and that's no shop for my money. Let's see what else +we have. There's nothing on the right, I think, but here on the left is +something like our cut--D-o-l dol, p-h-i-n phin, Dolphin Inn. It's long +since I went the circuit, as the commercial gentlemen (or what were +called bagmen in my days) term it, but I haven't forgot the experience I +gained in my travels, and I whiles turn it to werry good account now. + +"Coach to Canterbury, Deal, Margate, sir, going directly," interrupted +him, and reminded us that we had got to the end of the pier, and ought +to be descending. Two or three coaches were drawn up, waiting to carry +passengers on, but we had got to our journey's end. "Now," said J----, +"let's take our bags in hand and draw up wind, trying the 'Dolphin' +first." + +Rejecting the noble portals of the Pier Hotel, we advanced towards +Jorrocks's chosen house, a plain unpretending-looking place facing the +sea, which is half the battle, and being but just finished had every +chance of cleanliness. "Jonathan Acres" appeared above the door as the +name of the landlord, and a little square-built, hatless, short-haired +chap, in a shooting-jacket, was leaning against the door. "Mr. +Hacres within?" said Jorrocks. "My name's Acres," said he of the +shooting-jacket. "Humph," said J----, looking him over, "not Long Acre, +I think." Having selected a couple of good airy bedrooms, we proceeded +to see about dinner. "Mr. Hacres," said Jorrocks, "I makes it a rule +never to pay more than two and sixpence for a feed, so now just give +us as good a one as you possibly can for that money": and about seven +o'clock we sat down to lamb-chops, ducks, French beans, pudding, etc.; +shortly after which Jorrocks retired to rest, to sleep off the remainder +of his headache. He was up long before me the next morning, and had a +dip in the sea before I came down. "Upon my word," said he, as I entered +the room, and found him looking as lively and fresh as a four-year-old, +"it's worth while going to the lush-crib occasionally, if it's only for +the pleasure of feeling so hearty and fresh as one does on the second +day. I feel just as if I could jump out of my skin, but I will defer the +performance until after breakfast. I have ordered a fork one, do you +know, cold 'am and boiled bacon, with no end of eggs, and bread of every +possible description. By the way, I've scraped acquaintance with Thorp, +the baker hard by, who's a right good fellow, and says he will give me +some shooting, and has some werry nice beagles wot he shoots to. But +here's the grub. Cold 'am in abundance. But, waiter, you should put a +little green garnishing to the dishes, I likes to see it, green is so +werry refreshing to the eye; and tell Mr. Hacres to send up some more +bacon and the bill, when I rings the bell. Nothing like having your bill +the first morning, and then you know what you've got to pay, and can cut +your coat according to your cloth." The bacon soon disappeared, and the +bell being sounded, produced the order. + +"Humph," said J----, casting his eyes over the bill as it lay by the +side of his plate, while he kept pegging away at the contents of the +neighbouring dish--"pretty reasonable, I think--dinners, five shillings, +that's half a crown each; beds, two shillings each; breakfasts, one and +ninepence each, that's cheap for a fork breakfast; but, I say, you had +a pint of sherry after I left you last night, and PALE sherry too! How +could you be such an egreggorus (egregious) ass! That's so like you +young chaps, not to know that the only difference between pale and brown +sherry is, that one has more of the pumpaganus aqua in it than the +other. You should have made it pale yourself, man. But look there. Wot a +go!" + +Our attention was attracted to a youth in spectacles, dressed in a rich +plum-coloured coat, on the outside of a dingy-looking, big-headed, brown +nag, which he was flogging and cramming along the public walk in +front of the "Dolphin," in the most original and ludicrous manner. We +presently recognised him as one of our fellow-passengers of the previous +day, respecting whom Jorrocks and I had had a dispute as to whether he +was a Frenchman or a German. His equestrian performances decided the +point. I never in all my life witnessed such an exhibition, nor one in +which the performer evinced such self-complacency. Whether he had ever +been on horseback before or not I can't tell, but the way in which he +went to work, using the bridle as a sort of rattle to frighten the horse +forward, the way in which he shook the reins, threw his arms about, and +belaboured the poor devil of an animal in order to get him into a canter +(the horse of course turning away every time he saw the blow coming), +and the free, unrestrained liberty he gave to his head, surpassed +everything of the sort I ever saw, and considerably endangered the lives +of several of His Majesty's lieges that happened to be passing. +Instead of getting out of their way, Frenchmanlike, he seemed to think +everything should give way to an equestrian; and I saw him scatter a +party of ladies like a covey of partridges, by riding slap amongst them, +and not even making the slightest apology or obeisance for the rudeness. +There he kept, cantering (or cantering as much as he could induce the +poor rip to do) from one end of the town to the other, conceiving, I +make not the slightest doubt, that he was looked upon with eyes of +admiration by the beholders. He soon created no little sensation, and +before he was done a crowd had collected near the Pier Hotel, to see him +get his horse past (it being a Pier Hotel nag) each time; and I heard +a primitive sort of postman, who was delivering the few letters that +arrive in the place, out of a fish-basket, declare "that he would sooner +kill a horse than lend it to such a chap." Having fretted his hour away, +the owner claimed the horse, and Monsieur was dismounted. + +After surveying the back of the town, we found ourselves rambling in +some beautiful picturesque fields in the rear. Kent is a beautiful +county, and the trimly kept gardens, and the clustering vines twining +around the neatly thatched cottages, remind one of the rich, luxuriant +soil and climate of the South. Forgetting that we were in search of sea +breezes, we continued to saunter on, across one field, over one stile +and then over another, until after passing by the side of a snug-looking +old-fashioned house, with a beautifully kept garden, the road took a +sudden turn and brought us to some parkish-looking well-timbered ground +in front, at one side of which Jorrocks saw something that he swore was +a kennel. + +"I knows a hawk from a hand-saw," said he, "let me alone for that. I'll +swear there are hounds in it. Bless your heart, don't I see a gilt fox +on one end, and a gilt hare on the other?" + +Just then came up a man in a round fustian jacket, to whom Jorrocks +addressed himself, and, as good luck would have it, he turned out to be +the huntsman (for Jorrocks was right about the kennel), and away we went +to look at the hounds. They proved to be Mr. Collard's, the owner of +the house that we had just passed, and were really a very nice pack of +harriers, consisting of seventeen or eighteen couple, kept in better +style (as far as kennel appearance goes) than three-fourths of the +harriers in England. Bird, the huntsman, our cicerone, seemed a regular +keen one in hunting matters, and Jorrocks and he had a long confab about +the "noble art of hunting," though the former was rather mortified to +find on announcing himself as the "celebrated Mr. Jorrocks" that Bird +had never heard of him before. + +After leaving the kennel we struck across a few fields, and soon found +ourselves on the sea banks, along which we proceeded at the rate of +about two miles an hour, until we came to the old church of Reculvers. +Hard by is a public-house, the sign of the "Two Sisters," where, having +each taken a couple of glasses of ale, we proceeded to enjoy one of the +(to me at least) greatest luxuries in life--viz. that of lying on the +shingle of the beach with my heels just at the water's edge. + +The day was intensely hot, and after occupying this position for about +half an hour, and finding the "perpendicular rays of the sun" rather +fiercer than agreeable, we followed the example of a flock of sheep, and +availed ourselves of the shade afforded by the Reculvers. Here for a +short distance along the beach, on both sides, are small breakwaters, +and immediately below the Reculvers is one formed of stake and matting, +capable of holding two persons sofa fashion. Into this Jorrocks and +I crept, the tide being at that particular point that enabled us to +repose, with the water lashing our cradle on both sides, without dashing +high enough to wet us. + +"Oh, but this is fine!" said J----, dangling his arm over the side, and +letting the sea wash against his hand. "I declare it comes fizzing up +just like soda-water out of a bottle--reminds me of the lush-crib. By +the way, Mr. Yorkshireman, I heard some chaps in our inn this morning +talking about this werry place, and one of them said that there used +to be a Roman station, or something of that sort, at it. Did you know +anything of them 'ere ancient Romans? Luxterous dogs, I understand. +If Mr. Nimrod was here now he could tell us all about them, for, if I +mistake not, he was werry intimate with some of them--either he or his +father, at least." + +A boat that had been gradually advancing towards us now run on shore, +close by where we were lying, and one of the crew landed with a jug to +get some beer. A large basket at the end attracted Jorrocks's attention, +and, doglike, he got up and began to hover about and inquire about their +destination of the remaining crew, four in number. They were a cockney +party of pleasure, it seemed, going to fish, for which purpose they had +hired the boat, and laid in no end of bait for the fish, and prog for +themselves. Jorrocks, though no great fisherman (not having, as he says, +patience enough), is never at a loss if there is plenty of eating; and +finding that they had got a great chicken pie, two tongues, and a tart, +agreed to pay for the boat if they would let us in upon equal terms with +themselves as to the provender, which was agreed to without a debate. +The messenger having returned with a gallon of ale, we embarked, and +away we slid through the "glad waters of the dark blue sea." It was +beautifully calm, scarcely a breeze appearing on the surface. After +rowing for about an hour, one of the boatmen began to adjust the lines +and bait the hooks; and having got into what he esteemed a favourite +spot, he cast anchor and prepared for the sport. Each man was prepared +with a long strong cord line, with a couple of hooks fastened to the +ends of about a foot of whalebone, with a small leaden plummet in the +centre. The hooks were baited with sandworms, and the instructions given +were, after sounding the depth, to raise the hooks a little from the +bottom, so as to let them hang conveniently for the fish to swallow. +Great was the excitement as we dropped the lines overboard, as to who +should catch the first whale. Jorrocks and myself having taken the +fishermen's lines from them, we all met upon pretty equal terms, much +like gentlemen jockeys in a race. A dead silence ensued. "I have one!" +cried the youngest of our new friends. "Then pull him up," responded one +of the boatmen, "gently, or you'll lose him." "And so I have, by God! +he's gone." "Well, never mind," said the boatmen, "let's see your +bait--aye, he's got that, too. We'll put some fresh on--there you are +again--all right. Now drop it gently, and when you find you've hooked +him, wind the line quickly, but quietly, and be sure you don't jerk +the hook out of his mouth at starting." "I've got one!" cries +Jorrocks--"I've got one--now, my wig, if I can but land him. I have him, +certainly--by Jove! he's a wopper, too, judging by the way he kicks. Oh, +but it's no use, sir--come along--come along--here he is--doublets, by +crikey--two, huzza! huzza! What fine ones!--young haddocks or codlings, +I should call them--werry nice eating, I dare say--I'm blow'd if this +arn't sport." "I have one," cries our young friend again. "So have I," +shouts another; and just at the same moment I felt the magic touch of +my bait, and in an instant I felt the thrilling stroke. The fish were +absolutely voracious, and we had nothing short of a miraculous draught. +As fast as we could bait they swallowed, and we frequently pulled them +up two at a time. Jorrocks was in ecstasies. "It was the finest sport he +had ever encountered," and he kept halloaing and shouting every time +he pulled them up, as though he were out with the Surrey. Having just +hooked a second couple, he baited again and dropped his line. Two of our +new friends had hooked fish at the same instant, and, in their eagerness +to take them, overbalanced the boat, and Jorrocks, who was leaning over, +went head foremost down into the deeps! + + * * * * * + + +A terrible surprise came over us, and for a second or two we were so +perfectly thunderstruck as to be incapable of rendering any assistance. +A great splash, followed by a slight gurgling sound, as the water +bubbled and subsided o'er the place where he went down, was all that +denoted the exit of our friend. After a considerable dive he rose to the +surface, minus his hat and wig, but speedily disappeared. The anchor +was weighed, oars put out, and the boat rowed to the spot where he last +appeared. He rose a third time, but out of arms' reach, apparently +lifeless, and just as he was sinking, most probably for ever, one of the +men contrived to slip the end of an oar under his arm, and support him +on the water until he got within reach from the boat. + +The consternation when we got him on board was tremendous! Consisting, +as we did, of two parties, neither knowing where the other had come +from, we remained in a state of stupefied horror, indecision, and +amazement for some minutes. The poor old man lay extended in the bottom +of the boat, apparently lifeless, and even if the vital spark had not +fled, there seemed no chance of reaching Herne Bay, whose pier, just +then gilded by the rich golden rays of the setting sun, appeared in +the far distance of the horizon. Where to row to was the question. No +habitation where effective succour could be procured appeared on the +shore, and to proceed without a certain destination was fruitless. +How helpless such a period as this makes a man feel! "Let's make for +Grace's," at length exclaimed one of the boatmen, and the other catching +at the proposition, the head of the boat was whipped round in an +instant, and away we sped through the glassy-surfaced water. Not a word +broke upon the sound of the splashing oars until, nearing the shore, one +of the men, looking round, directed us to steer a little to the right, +in the direction of a sort of dell or land-break, peculiar to the Isle +of Thanet; and presently we ran the head of the boat upon the shingle, +just where a small rivulet that, descending from the higher grounds, +waters the thickly wooded ravine, and discharges itself into the sea. +The entrance of this dell is formed by a lofty precipitous rock, with a +few stunted overhanging trees on one side, while the other is more open +and softened in its aspect, and though steep and narrow at the mouth, +gently slopes away into a brushwood-covered bank, which, stretching up +the little valley, becomes lost in a forest of lofty oaks that close the +inland prospect of the place. Here, to the left (just after one gets +clear of the steeper part), commanding a view of the sea, and yet almost +concealed from the eye of a careless traveller, was a lonely hut (the +back wall formed by an excavation of the sandy rock) and the rest of +clay, supporting a wooden roof, made of the hull of a castaway wreck, +the abode of an old woman, called Grace Ganderne, well known throughout +the whole Isle of Thanet as a poor harmless secluded widow, who +subsisted partly on the charity of her neighbours, and partly on what +she could glean from the smugglers, for the assistance she affords them +in running their goods on that coast; and though she had been at work +for forty years, she had never had the misfortune to be detected in the +act, notwithstanding the many puncheons of spirits and many bales of +goods fished out of the dark woods near her domicile. + +To this spot it was, just as the "setting sun's pathetic light" had been +succeeded by the grey twilight of the evening, that we bore the body +of our unfortunate companion. The door was closed, but Grace being +accustomed to nocturnal visitors, speedily answered the first summons +and presented herself. She was evidently of immense age, being nearly +bowed double, and her figure, with her silvery hair, confined by a blue +checked cotton handkerchief, and palsied hand, as tremblingly she rested +upon her staff and eyed the group, would have made a subject worthy of +the pencil of a Landseer. She was wrapped in an old red cloak, with +a large hood, and in her ears she wore a pair of long gold-dropped +earrings, similar to what one sees among the Norman peasantry--the gift, +as I afterwards learned, of a drowned lover. After scrutinising us for a +second or two, during which time a large black cat kept walking to and +fro, purring and rubbing itself against her, she held back the door +and beckoned us to enter. The little place was cleanly swept up, and +a faggot and some dry brushwood, which she had just lighted for +the purpose of boiling her kettle, threw a gleam of light over the +apartment, alike her bedchamber, parlour, and kitchen. Her curtainless +bed at the side, covered with a coarse brown counterpane, was speedily +prepared for our friend, into which being laid, our new acquaintances +were dispatched in search of doctors, while the boatman and myself, +under the direction of old Grace, applied ourselves to procuring such +restoratives as her humble dwelling afforded. + +"Let Grace alone," said the younger of the boatmen, seeing my affliction +at the lamentable catastrophe, "if there be but a spark of life in the +gentleman, she'll bring him round--many's the drowning man--aye, and +wounded one, too--that's been brought in here during the stormy nights, +and after fights with the coast-guard--that she's recovered." + +Hot bottles, and hot flannels, and hot bricks were all applied, but in +vain; and when I saw hot brandy, too, fail of having the desired effect, +I gave my friend up as lost, and left the hut to vent my grief in the +open air. Grace was more sanguine and persevering, and when I returned, +after a half-hour's absence, I could distinctly feel a returning pulse. +Still, he gave no symptoms of animation, and it might only be the effect +produced by the applications--as he remained in the same state for +several hours. Fresh wood was added to the fire, and the boatmen having +returned to their vessel, Grace and I proceeded to keep watch during +the night, or until the arrival of a doctor. The poor old body, to whom +scenes such as this were matter of frequent occurrence, seemed to think +nothing of it, and proceeded to relate some of the wonderful escapes and +recoveries she had witnessed, in the course of which she dropped many +a sigh to the memory of some of her friends--the bold smugglers. There +were no such "braw lads" now as formerly, she said, and were it not that +"she was past eighty, and might as weel die in one place as anither, +she wad gang back to the bonny blue hulls (hills) of her ain canny +Scotland." + +In the middle of one of her long stories I thought I perceived a +movement of the bedclothes, and, going to look, I found a considerable +increase in the quickness of pulsation, and also a generous sort of glow +upon the skin. "An' ded I no tell ye I wad recover him?" said she, with +a triumphant look. "Afore twa mair hours are o'er he'll spak to ye." "I +hope so, I'm sure," said I, still almost doubting her. "Oh, trust to +me," said she, "he'll come about--I've seen mony a chiel in a mickle +worse state nor him recovered. Pray, is the ould gintleman your father +or your grandfather?" + +_Yorkshireman._ Why, I can't say that he's either exactly--but he's +always been as good as a grandmother to me, I know. + +Grace was right. About three o'clock in the morning a sort of revulsion +of nature took place, and after having lain insensible, and to all +appearance lifeless, all that time, he suddenly began to move. Casting +his eye wildly around, he seemed lost in amazement. He muttered +something, but what it was I could not catch. + +"Lush-crib again, by Jove!" were the first words he articulated, and +then, appearing to recollect himself, he added, "Oh, I forgot, I'm +drowned--well drowned, too--can't be help'd, however--wasn't born to be +hanged--and that seems clear." Thus he kept muttering and mumbling for +an hour, until old Grace thinking him so far recovered as to remove all +danger from sudden surprise, allowed me to take her seat at the bedside. +He looked at me long and intensely, but the light was not sufficiently +strong to enable him to make out who I was. + +"Jorrocks!" at length said I, taking him by the hand, "how are you, my +old boy?" He started at the sound of his name. "Jorrocks," said he, +"who's that?" "Why, the Yorkshireman; you surely have not forgotten your +old friend and companion in a hundred fights!" + +_Jorrocks._ Oh, Mr. York, it's you, is it? Much obliged by your +inquiries, but I'm drowned. + +_Yorkshireman._ Aye, but you are coming round, you'll be better before +long. + +_Jorrocks._ Never! Don't try to gammon me. You know as well as I do that +I'm drowned, and a drowned man never recovers. No, no, it's all up with +me, I feel. Set down, however, while I say a few words to you. You're a +good fellow, and I've remembered you in my will, which you'll find in +the strong port-wine-bin, along with nine pounds secret service money. +I hopes you'll think the legacy a fat one. I meant it as such. If you +marry Belinda, I have left you a third of my fourth in the tea trade. +Always said you were cut out for a grocer. Let Tat sell my stud. An +excellent man, Tat--proudish perhaps--at least, he never inwites me to +none of his dinners--but still a werry good man. Let him sell them, I +say, and mind give Snapdragon a charge or two of shot before he goes +to the 'ammer, to prevent his roaring. Put up a plain monument to my +memory--black or white marble, whichever's cheapest--but mind, no Cupids +or seraphums, or none of those sort of things--quite plain--with just +this upon it--_Hic jacet Jorrocks._ And now I'll give you a bit of news. +Neptune has appointed me huntsman to his pack of haddocks. Have two +dolphins for my own riding, and a young lobster to look after them. +Lord Farebrother whips in to me--he rides a turtle. "And now, my good +friend," said he, grasping my hands with redoubled energy, "do you think +you could accomplish me a rump-steak and oyster sauce?--also a pot of +stout?--but, mind, blow the froth off the top, for it's bad for the +kidneys!" + + +THE END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities +by Robert Smith Surtees + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JORROCKS' JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES *** + +***** This file should be named 15387.txt or 15387.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/8/15387/ + +Produced by Julie Barkley, Renald Levesque and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/15387.zip b/15387.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c6847e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/15387.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc75d32 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15387 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15387) |
