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diff --git a/15377.txt b/15377.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..19d46b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/15377.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1951 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +May 16, 1917., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 16, 1917. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15377] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +May 16, 1917. + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Several factories where counterfeit bread tickets were printed have +been discovered in Berlin. We understand that the defence will be that +the tickets were only intended to be exchanged for counterfeit bread. + + *** + +"The enemies' desire," says KING LUDWIG of Bavaria, "will he dashed to +pieces against our troops, who are accustomed to victory." A number +of the victors who are now eating themselves in behind our positions +profess to be absolutely nauseated with it. + + *** + +Five million four hundred thousand pigs, says Herr BATOCKI, have +"mysteriously disappeared" in Germany in the last year. The idea of +having the CROWN PRINCE'S baggage searched does not seem to have been +found feasible. + + *** + +A festival performance of _Parsifal_ is to be given in Charlottenburg, +to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Jutland. The proposal to +substitute the more topical opera, _The Flying Deutschmann_, has been +received without favour. + + *** + +"With such troops," says the CROWN PRINCE, "we could fetch the Devil +from Hell." We have always maintained that the German military route +lay on a direct line to Potsdam. + + *** + +A Manchester man writes to say that he has not heard the cuckoo this +year. What England hears to-day Manchester may hear next month. + + *** + +A Norfolk lady has left an annuity of seventy pounds for the support +of her two favourite cats. Since the announcement of this windfall we +understand that the beneficiaries have been overwhelmed with offers of +marriage. + + *** + +"The bascules of the Tower Bridge were lifted 3,354 times last year," +says a news item. Yet there are those who pretend that petty crime is +on the decrease. + + *** + +Arundel proposes to have a house-to-house collection of bones. The +Borough Engineer is understood to be completing specifications for a +dog-proof trouser which will be a part of the collector's uniform. + + *** + +The Islington Borough Council report that in the Lady Day quarter only +ten per cent, of the residents had removed without paying their rates. +The inhabitants of the New Cut now accuse Islington residents of +losing their nerve. + + *** + +"Ipswich," says a daily paper, "is fighting a rat plague by putting +a penny on the head of every rat captured in the borough." The +arrangement with birds is of course different, You put salt on their +tails and capture them afterwards. + + *** + +The new restrictions on the use of starch will, says Captain BATHURST, +affect the wearing of starched garments. It is expected that in +the House of Lords Lord SPENSER and Lord HARCOURT will join in an +impassioned plea that, until the shortage grows more acute, really +well-dressed men should be allowed to compromise on stiff dickeys. + + *** + +Owing to the surveyor receiving increased powers the work of +conscientious objectors on the roads in East Essex has improved. Mr. +OUTHWAITE, we hear, will ask in Parliament whether under these +powers the surveyor has actually threatened to give one conscientious +objector a good hard slap. + + *** + +We understand that Mexico has promised to stand by America on +condition that if she takes this step on the side of law and order +America will raise no objection to her having a revolution now and +then just to keep her hand in. + + *** + +Allotment-holders in all parts of the country say that their gardens +need rain very badly, and _The Daily Mail_ is going to take the matter +up. + + *** + +It was stated by a defendant at Wandsworth County Court that his house +was haunted, the bell being rung several times without any visible +human instrumentality. The "Hidden Hand" again! + + *** + +To enjoy good health, says Dr. A. FISHER in an American journal, we +should occasionally sleep for twelve hours on end. We confess that +we may be faddy in these things, but when sleeping we prefer the +horizontal position. + + *** + +"One hundred thousand tons of sugar is wasted each year," says +Mrs. PEEL, "through being left in the bottom of the teacup." A +correspondent points out that if that amount has ever been left in the +bottom of his teacup it was an oversight. + + *** + +The German people, says the _Koelnische Zeitung_, will not soon +forget what they owe to their future Emperor. The CROWN PRINCE, while +thanking them for their kindly intention, privately expressed a wish +that they would not keep rubbing it in. + + *** + +According to _The Express_, every British theatrical star who plays in +America is regarded as the best that England has ever sent out. Until +he has heard from Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, Sir HERBERT TREE is holding +back his message, which reads, "That is so." + + *** + +A workman at a brewery last week fell into a large vat of beer. It is +given to few men thus to realise the dream of a lifetime. + + *** + +All vendors of comic postcards at Llanfairfeehan, North Wales, are +to be asked by the Town Council to cover them up on Sundays. We +understand that comic postcards may be differentiated from others by +the word "Comic" plainly printed on the card. + + *** + +_The Daily Mail_ has just celebrated its twenty-first birthday, and +the silence of the POET LAUREATE on the matter is being adversely +commented upon. + + *** + +The Anarchist, LENIN, says the Swedish _Dagblad_, has been missing for +two days. Even before that he never really seemed to make a hit. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BRIBE. + +"WHO GOES THERE?" "K--KAMERAD--MIT SOUVENIRS."] + + * * * * * + +HEREINAFTERS. + +I. + +There are people in the world called tenants. I think nothing of them; +Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of +them. However, as this is not so much a grammar as an explanation, I +will get on with it. + +For the last two years we have been letting our flat. Naturally Celia +has had to do most of the work; my military duties have prevented +me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off and on, +inspecting my fellow-soldiers' feet, seeing their boots mended and +imploring them to get their hair cut that I have had no time for +purely domestic matters. Celia has let the flat; I have merely +allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, taken +the money. + +Our tenants have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think +much more of their own comfort as tenants than of our happiness as +landlords. They are always wanting things done for them. When they +want things done for them, then I am firm. Celia may be a shade the +more businesslike of the two, but I am the firmer. I am adamant. + +Take the case of Mr. Toots. As the wife of an officer proceeding +overseas, Celia let the flat to Mr. Toots at the nominal rental of +practically nothing a week. I said it was too little when I heard +of it, but it was then too late--Celia had already been referred to +hereinafter as the landlord. When he had been established some +weeks Mr. Toots wrote to say that he wanted seven different kinds of +wine-glasses, six of each. Personally I wanted seven different kinds +of Keating's Powder just then; tastes differ. The trouble with +Mr. Toots was that for some reason he expected Celia to supply the +glasses. Whether he only wanted them during his tenancy or meant +to keep them afterwards, we never knew. In any case Celia was +businesslike; she wrote regretting that she could not supply them. + +But I was firm. I sent a picture-postcard of the champagne country, +which said quite simply, "You must not drink wine during the War. My +husband's milk-glass is in the corner cupboard." + +Again, take the case of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle. After getting the flat +practically presented to them for a small weekly bonus, they suggest +that they should only pay half terms during the summer, as they wish +to take the children to the seaside. Celia was for telegraphing to say +that it was impossible. For myself I have just written the following +letter:-- + + "Dear Sir,--Could I consult my own feelings I would say, 'Pay + no rent at all during the summer. Further, why not sub-let the + flat to any of your own friends who can afford to give you + a few guineas a week for it? Nay more, let _me_ have the + privilege of paying your expenses at the Sunny South. What + do you say to the Metropole at Brighton?' But, alas, I cannot + speak thus; there are others to think of. The King of GREECE, + President WILSON, Marshal JOFFRE--I need say no more. You + understand. Things will have to go on as they are, except that + the rent will probably be doubled about July. + + Yours admiringly." + +This letter is now waiting to go off. Celia says it is waiting for a +stamp. Personally I don't see the necessity for a stamp. + + +II. + +There are people in the world called owners. I think nothing of them; +Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of +them. However, as I said before, this is not a grammar. + +For the last two years we have been renting cottages. Naturally Celia +has had to do most of the work; the cut and thrust of a soldier's life +has prevented me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off +and on, seeing that my fellow-soldiers have baths, getting them shaved +and entreating them to send their socks to the wash that I have had no +time for domestic trifles. Celia has taken the cottage; I have merely +allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, paid +the money. + +Our landlords have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think +much more of their own comfort as landlords than of our happiness as +tenants. They are always wanting things done for them. When they want +things done for them, then I am firm. Indeed I am granite. + +Take the case of Mr. Perkins, who owns our present cottage. Celia +borrowed the cottage from Mr. Perkins at a rental of several thousands +a week. I said it was too much when I heard of it; but it was then too +late--she had already been referred to hereinafter as the tenant. As +soon as we got in we began to make it look more like a cottage; that +is to say, we accidentally dropped the aspidistra out of the window, +lost the chiffonier, removed most of the obstacles and entanglements +from the drawing-room to the box-room, and replaced the lace curtains +with chintzes. In the same spirit of altruism we improved the +bedrooms. At the end of a week we had given Mr. Perkins a cottage of +which any man might be proud. + +But there is no pleasing some people. A closer examination of the +lease, in the hope that we had over-counted the noughts in the rental, +revealed to us the following:-- + +"At the expiration of the said tenancy, all furniture and effects will +be delivered up by the tenant in the same rooms and positions in which +they were found." + +Not a word of thanks, you notice, for the new avenues of beauty which +we had opened out for him; no gratitude for the great revelation that +art was not bounded by aspidistras nor comfort by chiffoniers; nothing +but that old reactionary spirit to which, if I may speak of lesser +things, the Russian Revolution was due. Like Mr. Perkins, the Bourbons +learned nothing and forgot nothing. + +Naturally I wrote to Mr. Perkins:-- + + "Dear Sir,--I regret to inform you that the aspidistra has + perished. It never took kindly to us and started wilting on + the second day. As regards other _objets d'art_ once in the + drawing-room, but now seeking the seclusion of the box-room, + we are in a little difficulty. Before letting it go my + wife took the bearing of the marble how-now from the bamboo + what-not and made it 28 deg. 20', quite forgetting, unfortunately, + that the what-not had also decided to lie fallow for a season. + Consequently, while the direction of the what-not-how-now + line is definitely fixed, their actual positions remain + unestablished. Is it too much to hope that when the time comes + for them to seek again the purer air of the drawing-room they + will be able to rely upon the guidance of an old friend like + yourself rather than upon that of two comparative strangers? + + Yours anxiously." + + +III. + +Sometimes I wonder what Mr. Perkins would say if I suggested paying +half-rent during the winter. + +Sometimes Celia wonders what she will say if she finds that Mrs. +Winkle has re-arranged all her furniture for her. + +"We might," said Celia, looking at the two letters, "send the Perkins +one to Mrs. Winkle and the Winkle one to Mr. Perkins." + +"Why?" I asked. + +"Just to show how broad-minded we are," said Celia. + +A.A.M. + + * * * * * + +ECONOMY. + +Seen in a Birmingham shop window: + +"SECOND & FURNITURE." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BAD DREAM. + +SPECTRE. "WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF ME, EAT LESS BREAD."] + + * * * * * + +ON THE SPY-TRAIL. + +Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter with Jones +minimus, he was so gloomy. + +He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven. Jimmy had to +tell him not to say such wicked things, because sometimes when you +wished things like that they came true, and then where would Jones +minimus be? + +Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but it turned +out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost or mislaid it, +he told Jimmy. + +It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another shilling to +make 15s. 6d., and then in five years they gave you one pound, and it +was because of the compound interest someone invented. + +Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and asked if they +had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing his pig. Jimmy says it +wanders off for a walk nearly every day talking to itself and going +into gardens and relishing things. It is a very good relisher, Jimmy +says. + +Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home circles; +but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its way. + +You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on its back. + +Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at sight next +time. + +Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put butter on its +feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus suddenly remembered. +He had put the War Loan in his algebra book and left it in Jimmy's +garden. Jimmy says it was a good thing they went back when they did, +because when he got home he found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy +suspecting a chimney-sweep of being a spy; he had done it to the +chimney-sweep's trousers, Jimmy says. + +Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises with his +brush at Faithful and working his black face at him. + +Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a prize +bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on guard, and +in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is it?" + +Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the chimney-sweep's +face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy that he was travelling the +country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy said that they had already had +theirs swept, because a cat got in their dining-room and Jimmy had put +in his bloodhound to tell it to go out. + +Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but couldn't +find it, and they were just giving up in despair when they heard +Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his kennel, and there +it was. + +Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was busy +solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War Loan. + +[Illustration: _Scandalised N.S. Volunteer_. "'INDENBURG's WATCHIN' +YER!"] + +Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they took the +algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him back again, as he +said it was no good to him, and perhaps Faithful would find out how to +catch another German spy, or else how to make up the War Loan to 15s. +6d. + +Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way he +tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones minimus's +mouth water. + +Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just beginning +to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there was the milkman's +pig calmly standing in the garden next door, looking at him through +the hedge and actually munching a piece of coal at him. + +Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like anything, and when +the pig began flapping his ears at him old Faithful had to go right +into the far corner of his kennel and nurse his wrath. + +Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in a very +short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when Jones minimus +and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out Faithful at him. +Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and walked round the garden +sampling things and inquiring into them. + +Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the pig saw +him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought he was chasing +the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing Faithful, and they did it +in a ring on the lawn. + +Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves up, because +the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and scratched his back at +Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept smelling the ground like +anything. + +Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some places, +but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came out and accused +it of being there. + +Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a lake it +always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But the man hadn't +got a lake, he had only got an ornamental fountain, and the pig had +already scratched that over with its back. The pig seemed very uneasy +about its back, Jimmy says. + +Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he would remove +the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden in five minutes. + +Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he thinks it +must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very much surprised at +Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and get to bed. + +Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both squeezed +through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the pig's ear, and then +they both went down the road, Faithful leading by about a yard, and +looking behind him with both eyes to make sure the pig was following +him. Jimmy says his bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the +pig stopped to smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in +the gutter old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging +slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly back and +deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand, Jimmy says. There +they stood in silent contest for about five seconds, each trying to +bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand the strain no +longer, and, breaking away with all its strength, actually rushed into +the garden of the man who had promised to shoot it at sight next time. + +Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden until the +man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off tulips and browsed +on some early peas and was making a regular meatless day of it, and +then the man came rushing out with his gun. + +Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down, because the man +was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking about things and aiming +his gun at the pig, and the pig kept running round and round and +getting mixed up with Faithful. Then just as Jimmy was expecting the +gun to go off the chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from +the back part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and +walked right into the middle of it all. + +Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made +even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the +chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his double-barrelled +gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and there was the +chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air, shouting "Kamerad!" as +hard as he could. + +Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's bloodhound +had actually made up the War Loan to 15s. 6d., and caught a German spy +at the same time, with nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course +Jimmy knew how old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what +a really prize bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous +equations, of course. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Newcomer_ (_to veteran sanitary orderly_). "ARE YOU +THE REG'LAR GARD'NER, OR JUST IN FOR THE DAY?"] + + * * * * * + + "Scheinboden, who is very well known as a partisan of the + 'Mailed Fish.'"--_Manchester Evening News_. + +The very man for a submarine campaign. + + * * * * * + + "The main goal for which our troops went was the Oppy switch + line, a hastily constructed main goal for which our troops + went was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed trench + system by which the Germans have extended their Hindenburg + line northwards."--_Sunday Paper_. + +Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been rather +hastily constructed. + + * * * * * + +NATIONAL SERVICE; + +OR, THE SINGLE EYE. + + Good Jones, who saw his duty plain, + Resolved he would not live in vain; + He bought some land and made a start, + He gave up literature and art, + He studied books on what to grow, + He studied Mr. PROTHERO; + He worked from early dawn till ten, + Then went to town like other men, + And in his office he would stand + Expatiating on the land. + Prom five again he worked till eight, + Although it made his dinner late; + He could not tear himself away, + He could not leave his native clay. + At last, his energy all spent, + He put his tools away and went, + Took off his suit of muddy tan, + Became a clean and cultured man, + And settled firmly down to dine. + On fish and fowl and meat and wine + And bread as much as he might need; + And while he dined he used to read + What PROTHERO had said last night, + And felt that he was doing right. + He didn't notice food was short; + He quite forgot Lord DEVONPORT. + + * * * * * + +THE TWO CONSTABLES. + +It happened one evening when my wife was staying away with her mother, +in the dark months of last winter, when we were without servants, and +I was glad to have received an invitation from my neighbour Jones to +dinner. + +He and his wife welcomed me warmly, and their rather unintelligent +maid had just brought in the saddle of mutton--a great weakness of +mine--when we heard a firm knock on the hall door. She returned to say +that someone wanted to speak to Mr. Brown immediately. "Who is it?" +I demanded. "I don't know, Sir," said the girl, "but he looks like a +policeman." + +"I hope nothing has happened to your wife," said Mrs. J. anxiously. +"Or her mother," added Jones rather cynically. + +The man at the door was certainly a policeman, and an elderly one, and +had probably been recalled from pension when the War broke out. + +"Good evening, Sir," he said, staring hard at me. "Are you +Mr. Brown"--I nodded--"of Myrtle Villa, next door"--he eyed me +suspiciously--"No. 17?" + +"Yes, yes," I said impatiently; "what of it?" + +"I must ask you for your name and address, Sir," pulling out his +note-book, "for showing a strong light at the back of the 'ouse at 8 +P.M." + +"That's all nonsense," I answered impatiently; "the house is empty." + +"Excuse me, Sir, I saw it myself from the road at the back and came +straight round," said he with his notebook ready. + +"But it can't be," I said, getting annoyed. + +At this moment a Special came running down the path. "They're coming," +he panted. + +"Who are?" I asked. "No one's been invited but myself." + +"The engines." + +"But I haven't ordered any," said I. + +"I gave the alarm myself," he added proudly. + +Jones's rather unintelligent maid had been standing by my side the +whole time. "Excuse me, Sir," she said, "I don't know, but I think +there's something wrong with your 'ouse--the little room at the back, +where you sit and smoke of an evenin'. There's been a big light there +for some time--a wobbly one. I don't know, Sir, but I think the 'ouse +is a-fire." + +"_What?_" I yelled, and dashed aside the two varieties of +constabulary. Yes, it was all true. The strong light at the back of +the house--a wobbly one--was rapidly becoming a glow in the heavens, +as they say in journalese. I stood and looked at it, staggered for the +moment, when I heard a cheer and saw the engines coming. I dashed +for my front-door, but found myself forcibly dragged back. It was the +Special, who seemed to be having the time of his life. + +"No one allowed to enter a burning building," said he importantly. + +"But I must," I cried; "there are some valuable papers----" + +"No one allowed to enter," he repeated firmly--he seemed to have +learned it by heart--"except the firemen and police." + +"Well, you go in and get them then. I'll----" + +"Pass along, please," he said quite suddenly, as a new phase of his +duties seemed to occur to him, and I found myself edged back towards +the crowd. + +Now I had to have those papers, and an idea occurred to me, so I +stopped. "I say, how about your dinner? You'll miss it altogether. I +don't want to keep you. Perhaps if you hurry off at once----" + +"Dinner," he cried indignantly, gripping me fiercely by the arm--"what +is dinner compared with duty? Do you know, man, I've been doing this +bally Special business for over two years and never had a case yet, +and now that I've got a real fire--and this is my own fire, mind you, +my very own----" + +"I thought it was mine," I ventured. + +"You talk to me of dinner! Pass right along, please;" and I found +myself back among the crowd, who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it. + +There was a small cheer just then as the flames came through the +roof. Of Jones and his wife I saw nothing, but supposed they must have +stayed on to enjoy their saddle of mutton, and wondered if they had +kept mine hot for me. I could have kept it hot in my own house, I +reflected rather miserably. + + * * * * * + +The fire had been extinguished. As the crowd dispersed I felt a touch +on my shoulder. It was the elderly constable, note-book in hand. +"You are Mr. Brown, Sir, of Myrtle Villa?" he inquired patiently. "I +haven't had your name and address yet, Sir, for showing an unguarded +light at the rear of the premises at 8 P.M." + + * * * * * + + "Plain Cook (good). Wanted for country house; six + kept."--_Devon and Exeter Gazette_. + +Too many; sure to spoil the broth. + + * * * * * + + "The Irish Party cars are placarded with posters calling on + the electors to vote for 'Unity and Party,' and there are the + cryptic words, '1/8 Up. M'Kenna.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +But as the result of the election Mr. MCKENNA went to a slight +discount. + + * * * * * + +A CHATEAU IN FRANCE. + + Artists reared it in courtly ages; + WATTEAU and FRAGONARD limned its walls; + Powdered lackeys and negro pages + Served the great in its shining halls; + Minstrels played, in its salons, stately + Minuets for a jewelled king, + And radiant gallants bowed sedately + To lovely Pompadours curtseying. + + Pigeons cooed in its dovecots shady; + Down in the rose-walk fountains played; + Many a lovelorn lord and lady + Here in the moonlight sighed and strayed; + Here was beauty and love and laughter, + Splendour and eminence bravely won; + But now two walls and a blackened rafter + Grimly tell the tale of the Hun. + + My lady's chamber is dust and ashes; + The painted salons are charred with fire; + The dovecot pitted with shrapnel splashes, + The park a tangle of trench and wire; + Shell-holes yawn in the ferns and mosses; + Stripped and torn is the avenue; + Down in the rose-walk humble crosses + Grow where my lady's roses grew. + + Yet in the haunted midnight hours, + When star-shells droop through the shattered trees, + Steal they back to their ancient bowers, + Beau Brocade and his Belle Marquise? + Greatly loving and greatly daring-- + Fancy, perhaps, but the fancy grips, + _For a junior subaltern woke up swearing + That a gracious lady had kissed his lips._ + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +From a butcher's advertisement:-- + + "TOUGH & INDIFFERENT MEAT + IS DEAR AT ANY PRICE. + TRY + ------ & Sons + And prove it for yourselves." + + * * * * * + + "A certain amount of discussion took place, and it was + acknowledged that the number of horses in training had been + exagggerated."--_Daily Chronicle_. + +Nevertheless there is certainly one gee too many. + + * * * * * + +The _Lokalanzeiger_ publishes an appeal for a new German National +Anthem. We understand that the best composition that has been sent in +up to the time of going to press begins as follows:-- + + Who is WILLIAM? What is he + That all our swine adore him? + + * * * * * + +ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS. + +[Illustration: _The Plough Girl_. "NOW THEN, MABEL, NOT SO MUCH POSING +OR YOU'LL HAVE THE HORSES BUMPING INTO THAT RAINBOW."] + +[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_regarding the mannequin_). "I DON'T THINK +THAT DRESS WOULD REALLY SUIT ME. CHIN-CHIN DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT +IT EITHER."] + +[Illustration: THE UNHAPPY DINER WHO HAS BEEN REFUSED A SECOND +HELPING.] + +[Illustration: _Mr. Martin Harvey_.--"IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER +_HAMLET_ THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE."] + +[Illustration: THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION OF THE BRETON AND THE BISHOP.] + +[Illustration: _The Terrier_. "EXCUSE ME, GUV'NOR, BUT WHEN YOU'VE +FINISHED READING THE DESPATCHES YOU MIGHT LOOK AND SEE IF THEY'RE +GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT _US_."] + +[Illustration: _The Angel and the Veteran_ (_to conscientious +objector_). "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID _YOU_ DO IN THE GREAT WAR?"] + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY BARGEMAN. + + I've put the old mare's tail in plaits, now ain't she lookin' gay? + With ribbons in 'er mane as well--you'd think it First o' May; + For why? we're under Government, though it ain't just plain to me + If we're in the Civil Service or the Admiralitee. + + An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," oh, we'll do the best we're able, + For we're servin' of our country an' we're 'elpin' 'er to win; + An' when the War is over then we'll all lie down in clover, + With a drink all together at the "Navigation Inn"! + + I brought the news to Missis, an' to 'er these words did say, + "Just chuck yon old broom-'andle an' a two-three nails this way, + We're bound to 'ave a flagstaff for our old red-white-and-blue, + For since we're under Government we'll 'ave our ensign too." + + The Navy is the Navy, an' it sails upon the sea; + The Army is the Army, an' on land it 'as to be; + There's the land an' there's the water, 'an the Cut comes in + between, + And I don't know what you'd call me if it ain't an 'Orse Marine. + + The Missis sits upon the barge the same's she used to sit, + But they'll 'ave 'er in the papers now for doin' of her bit; + An' I walk upon the tow-path 'ere as proud as anything-- + If I 'aven't got no uniform I'm serving of the KING. + + An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," an' we'll do the best we're able, + For the country's been an' called us, an' we've got to 'elp to + win; + An' when the War is over, oh, we'll all lie down in clover, + With a drink all together at the "Navigation Inn." + +C.F.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR MIXED ARMY. + +_First Recruit_. "'ERE--TELL OLD BALD-'EAD TO BUNG THE SALT OVER." + +_Second Recruit_. "ER--MIGHT I TROUBLE YOU FOR THE SALT, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +THE OPEN DOOR. + +Mr. Punch has thought that some of his hospitable readers might be +glad to have the opportunity of giving the welcome of their houses, +in however simple a way, to Australian soldiers on leave, who would +greatly appreciate the chance of seeing something of English home +life. An "Invitation Bureau" has been opened at the "Anzac" Buffet, +94, Victoria Street, where offers of entertainment should be +addressed. + + * * * * * + + "The Military Representative appealed against the exemption + of William Blake, aged 35, unmarried, a slaughterman in the + employment of Mr. George Rigg, pork butcher. The Military + Representative suggested that Mr. Rigg should slaughter + himself. Mr. Rigg stated that he could not slaughter + himself."--_Carlisle Journal_. + +Compare _The Mikado_:-- + +_Koko_. "Besides, I don't see how a man could cut off his own head." + +_Pooh-Bah_. "A man might try." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS LATEST. + +THE KAISER. "THIS IS SORRY WORK FOR A HOHENZOLLERN; STILL, NECESSITY +KNOWS NO TRADITIONS."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 7th_.--The Royal House has found an unexpected defender +in Mr. OUTHWAITE. He alone has perceived the hidden danger underlying +the recent proposal of the Lower House of Convocation to restore +KING CHARLES I. to his old place in the Church Calendar. This, he +considers, is a direct encouragement to the persons who seek the +restoration of the Stuart dynasty, and would make Prince RUPPRECHT of +Bavaria heir-apparent to the British Throne. The House was relieved +to hear from Mr. BRACE that there was no immediate danger of this +contingency. Indeed, Prince RUPPRECHT has had so much trouble already +with his prospective subjects that he has probably no desire for their +closer acquaintance. + +Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY is ordinarily a chirpy little person, quite +able to take care of himself. But he was obviously depressed by his +inability to furnish a plausible reason why two food-ships, having +arrived safely in home ports, should have been sent away undischarged, +with the result that they were torpedoed and their cargoes lost. The +statement that he was "still inquiring" brought no comfort to the +House of (Short) Commons. Why doesn't the SHIPPING CONTROLLER organise +a Flying Squadron of dock-labourers? + +[Illustration: _Mr. BONAR LAW_ (_to Mr. MCKENNA_). "AS ONE CHANCELLOR +OF THE EXCHEQUER TO ANOTHER, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SEVENTY +MILLION POUNDS OUT?"] + +_Tuesday, May 8th_.--The official reticence regarding the names +and exploits of our airmen was the subject of much complaint. Mr. +MACPHERSON declared that it was quite in accordance with the wishes of +the R.F.C. themselves. But Sir H. DALZIEL was still dissatisfied. He +knew of a young lieutenant who had brought down forty enemy machines +and been personally congratulated by the Commander-in-Chief, and yet +his name was not published. It is obvious that praise even from +Sir DOUGLAS HAIG is not the same thing as a paragraph in _Reynolds' +Newspaper_. + +[Illustration: BEAU BRUMMEL BILLING GIVES THE "NO-STARCH" MOVEMENT A +GOOD SEND-OFF.] + +A request for an increased boot-allowance to the Metropolitan Police +met with a dubious reception from Mr. BRACE, who explained that +it would involve an expenditure of many thousands of pounds. It is +rumoured that the Home Office is considering the recruitment of a +Bantam Force, with a view to reducing the acreage of leather required. + +_Wednesday, May 9th_.--If the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER should +be accused of having taken advantage of his knowledge of the +Budget-proposals to lay in a secret hoard of tobacco he will have no +one to blame but himself. He solemnly assured the House that nothing +has been brought to his notice to show that the trade is making undue +profits. It is clear, therefore, that he has not had occasion to go +into a tobacconist's and ask for his favourite mixture, only to find +that his three-half-penny tax has sent the price up by twopence. + +By prohibiting the manufacture of starch the Government has done +something to please Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING. The hon. Member, who has +always affected the "soft shirts that Sister Susie sews," is flattered +to think that he has set a fashion which must now become universal. +When Captain BATHURST, falling into his humour, assured him that even +BEAU BRUMMEL would accept the position with patriotic resignation, +Mr. BILLING felt that he had found his true vocation as an arbiter of +taste. + +In moving a Vote of Credit for the unexampled sum of five hundred +millions, Mr. BONAR LAW apologised for a slight error in his Budget +statement. He had then estimated the expenditure of the country at +five and a half millions a day. Owing to fortuitous circumstances, the +amount for the first thirty-five days of the financial year had turned +out to be seven and a half millions a day. Mr. MCKENNA, conscious +of some similar lapses in calculation during his own time at the +Exchequer, handsomely condoned the mistake. Still one felt that +it strengthened the stentorian plea for economy made by Mr. J.A.R. +MARRIOTT in a maiden speech that would perhaps have been better if +it had not been quite so good. The House is accustomed to a little +hesitation in its novices and does not like to be lectured even by an +Oxford don. + +[Illustration: THE SECRET SESSION. + +_WINSTON._ "NO REPORT OF SPEECHES. IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH WHILE."] + +The debate produced a number of speeches more suitable for the Secret +Session that was to follow. Our enemies will surely be heartened when +they read the criticisms passed by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT, an ex-Minister +of the Crown, upon our Naval policy, and by Mr. DILLON on the Salonika +Expedition; and they will not understand that the one is dominated +by the belief that no Board of Admiralty that does not include Lord +FISHER can possibly be efficient; and that the other is congenitally +unable to believe anything good of British administration in Ireland +or elsewhere. + +For once Mr. BONAR LAW took the gloves off to Mr. DILLON, and told him +plainly that more attention would be paid to his criticism if he was +himself doing something to help in the prosecution of the War. + +_Thursday, May 10th_.--I gather from Mr. SPEAKER'S report of the +Secret Session that nothing sensational was revealed. The PRIME +MINISTER'S "encouraging account of the methods adopted to meet the +submarine attack" was not much more explicit, I infer, than the speech +which Lord CURZON was making simultaneously, _urbi et orbi_, in the +House of Lords, or Mr. ASQUITH would not have observed--again I quote +the official report--that "hardly anything had been said which could +not have been said openly." + +That none of the Nationalists should have addressed the House was +perhaps less due to their constitutional reticence than to the +depressing effect of the South Longford election, where their nominee +was defeated by the Sinn Fein candidate--one MCGUINNESS, and evidently +a stout fellow. But it is odd to find that the debate was conducted +without the assistance of Messrs. BILLING, PRINGLE and HOGGE. Their +eloquent silence was a protest, no doubt, against the eviction of the +reporters. Mr. CHURCHILL was probably suffering equal anguish, +but with patriotic self-sacrifice he refused to deprive his +fellow-legislators of the privilege of hearing once again his views on +the conduct of War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith_ (_to Mr. Smith, who has just been examined +by Army Medical Board_). "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO YER?" + +_Mr. Smith_. "'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'VE GOT A STIGMA AN' A CONGENIAL +SQUINT.'"] + + * * * * * + +JILL-OF-ALL-TRADES AND MISTRESS OF MANY. + + [_The Daily Chronicle_, writing on women farmers, quotes the + tribute of HUTTON, the historian, to a Derbyshire lady who + died at Matlock in 1854: "She undertakes any kind of manual + labour, as holding the plough, driving the team, thatching + the barn, using the flail; but her chief avocation is + breaking horses at a guinea per week. She is fond of Pope and + Shakespeare, is a self-taught and capable instrumentalist, and + supports the bass viol in Matlock Church."] + + Though in the good old-fashioned days + The feminine factotum rarely + Was honoured with a crown of bays + When she had won it fairly; + She did emerge at times like one + For manual work a perfect glutton, + Blue-stocking half, half Amazon, + As chronicled by HUTTON. + + But now you'll find her counterpart + In almost every English village-- + A mistress of the arduous art + Of scientific tillage, + Who cheerfully resigns the quest + Of all that makes a woman charming, + And shows an even greater zest + For gardening and farming. + + She used to petrify her dons; + She was a most efficient bowler; + But now she's baking barley scones + To help the FOOD CONTROLLER; + Good _Mrs. Beeton_ she devours, + And not the dialogues of PLATO, + And sets above the Cult of Flowers + The Cult of the Potato. + + The studious maid whose classic brow + Was high with conscious pride of learning + Now grooms the pony, milks the cow, + And takes a hand at churning; + And one I know, whose music had + Done credit to her educators, + Has sold her well-beloved "Strad" + To purchase incubators! + + The object of this humble lay + Is not to minimize the glory + Of women of an earlier day + Whose deeds are shrined in story; + 'Tis only to extol the grit + Of clever girls--and none work harder-- + Who daily do their toilsome "bit" + To stock the nation's larder. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Overburdened Mother_. "GIT A MOVE ON, ALBERT--KEEPIN' +THE 'OLE BLOOMIN' WORLD BACK--AN' A WAR ON, TOO!"] + + * * * * * + +ONE OF OUR DIFFICULTIES. + +Under this title I refer to a lady whom I will call Mrs. Legion, for +there are many of her all over the country, bless her conservative old +heart. She has been in service as cook or cook-housekeeper most of her +life (she is now getting on in years), and constant preoccupation +with kitchen affairs has somewhat narrowed her outlook, so that the +circumvention of the butcher, whose dominant idea (she believes) is to +provide her with indifferent joints, is more to her than the defeat of +HINDENBURG; and so far as she is concerned the main theatre of the +War is neither Europe nor the Atlantic, but the coal merchant's yard, +which disgorges its treasure so grudgingly. Not only is her first +thought for her cooking, in order--the transition to her second +thought is automatic--that her employer or employers may be +comfortable; but it is her last thought too. + +With such singleness of purpose to crystallize her, she cannot +absorb even the gravest of warnings; not from unwillingness or stupid +obstinacy, but from sheer inability to grasp any novelty. That her +beloved master and mistress--either or both--should not have the +best of everything and plenty of it is, at this advanced stage in +her career, unthinkable. Even though she read it in print she would +disregard it, for her attitude to them papers is sceptical; even Lord +NORTHCLIFFE, with all his many voices, dulcet or commanding, has wooed +in vain. + +I imagine that the milkman, from whom she heard of the War and whom +she thinks (for his class) a sagacious fellow, has warned her against +the Press. Anyway she has refused--and will, I fancy, never relent--to +allow any extreme idea of food shortage to disturb her routine. + +"Look here, Mrs. Legion," you say, "really, you know"--you don't like, +or you have lost the power, to be too firm with her after all these +years of friendliness--"really we mustn't have toast any more." + +"Not toast!" + +"No, not any more. In fact"--a light laugh here--"I'm going to do +without bread altogether directly." + +"Do without bread!" This with much more alarmed surprise than if you +had declared your intention of forswearing clothes. + +"Yes; the Government want us to eat less bread. In fact we must, you +know; and toast is particularly wasteful, they say." + +"There's no waste in this house, Sir [or 'M]." This with a touch +of acerbity, for Mrs. Legion is not without pride. "No one can ever +accuse me of waste. I'm not vain, but that I will say." + +"No, no," you hasten to reply, "of course not; but things have reached +such a point, you know, that even the strictest economy and care have +got to be made more strict. That's all. And toast has to be stopped, +I'm afraid." + +"Very well, Sir [or 'M], if you wish it. But I can't say that I +understand what it all means." + +And that evening, which is meatless and is given up largely to +asparagus (just beginning, thank God!), you certainly see no toast in +the rack, but find that the tender green faggot reposes on a slab of +it large enough to feed several children. + +Mrs. Legion may go to church, but her real religion is concerned far +more with her employers' bodies than with her own soul; and among the +cardinal tenets of her faith is the necessity for dinner to be hot. +You may have a cold lunch, but everything at dinner must have been +cooked especially for that meal, all circling about the joint, or a +bird, like satellite suns. + +How to cleave such a rock of tradition? How to bring the old Tory into +line with the new rules and yet not break her heart? + +"And, Mrs. Legion," you say, not too boldly, and at the end of +some other remark, "we'll have yesterday's leg of mutton for dinner +to-night, with a salad." + +"Cold mutton for dinner?" she replies dully. + +"Yes--now the weather's getting warmer it's much nicer. It will save +coal too. Just the mutton and a salad. No potatoes." + +"No potatoes!" Surely the skies are falling, says her accent. You have +been eating mashed potatoes, done with cream and a dash of beetroot in +it, with cold meat, at lunch, for years. + +"No, no--we mustn't eat potatoes any more. Haven't you heard?" + +"I heard something about it, yes. But aren't we to eat those we've +got?" + +"No, we must give them away. Remember, just cold mutton and salad. +And no toast." You are getting more confidence. "Never toast any +more"--another light laugh--"never any more!" + +And at dinner there are the cold mutton and salad all right; but to +your horror you are asked first to eat a slice of salmon with two +boiled potatoes. + +"Good heavens!" you say, "what's this?" + +"Well, Sir [or 'M], the fishmonger called, and as I felt sure the cold +meat couldn't be enough for you...." + +Summoning all your courage you protest again, adding, "And another +thing, Mrs. Legion; you mustn't make any more pastry. The flour can't +be spared. It's not only bread we've got to be careful about, but +everything made with flour." + +"Then what's the flour for?" + +"That's all right. But it's got to be saved." + +"I don't understand, Sir [or 'M]. I can't see why it shouldn't be used +if we have it." + +"No. The idea is that every one should go without flour as much as +possible, and then there will be more and it will last longer. More +for other people." + +"My duty is to this house, Sir [or 'M]. But the flour's so coarse and +brown it's hardly worth using, anyhow. I never saw such stuff. It's a +scandal. But I'm truly sorry if I've disappointed you. All I want to +do is my duty." + +"You have, Mrs. Legion, you have. You've been splendid; but the time +has come now to eat less and to eat more simply. Is that clear?" + +"Well, I hear you right enough, Sir [or 'M], but I can't say I +understand it. War or no war, I don't hold with folks being starved." + +And there it breaks off, only, of course, to begin again. + +That is Mrs. Legion!--one of the hardest nuts that Lord DEVONPORT has +to crack. She doesn't hold with Lords poking their noses into people's +kitchens, anyway. That's not her idea of how Lords ought to behave. +Lords not only ought to be gentlefolk, and be fed and waited upon and +live in affluent idleness, but super-gentlefolk. But then she doesn't +hold with many modern things. She doesn't (for one) hold with the War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant-Major_. "AIN'T YOU GOT THAT BIVVY BUILT YET, +ME LAD? GAWD BLESS MY SOUL, I COULD HA' KNITTED IT IN HALF THE TIME."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"WANTED A HUSBAND." + +You will easily guess that a comedy (or farce) in which a woman is +reduced to advertising in the Press for a husband belongs to the +ante-bellum era, before the glad eye of the flapper became a permanent +feature of the landscape. Indeed Mr. CYRIL HARCOURT'S play might +belong to just any year since the time when women first began to write +those purple tales of passion that are so bad for the morals of the +servants' hall. It was simply to get copy for this kind of stuff that +_Mabel Vere_ (most improbably pretty in the person of Miss GLADYS +COOPER) advertised for a husband, for this post had already been +assigned to the dullest and stuffiest of _fiances_. I dare not +think how the theme might have been treated in French hands, but Mr. +HARCOURT is very firm about the proprieties. My only fear was that the +gallery might mistake his rather second-rate people for gentlefolk. +In what kind of club, I wonder, do members reply to matrimonial +advertisements and make bets about the result of their applications? +I should be sorry to think that anybody attributes such conduct to the +_habitues_ of the Athenaeum. + +[Illustration: THE DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO. + + _Captain Corkoran_ ......... MR. MALCOLM CHERRY. + _Adams_ (_a butler_) ....... MR. ERNEST HENDRIE. + _Mabel Vere_ ............... MISS GLADYS COOPER.] + +The types that came to inspect _Mabel Vere_ were sufficiently varied. +There was a masterful Colonial (finally ejected by a lady-friend, who +performed a jujitsu feat which required a very palpable collusion +on his part); a butler; an Army Officer (with a reputation for +exploring); a gay naval thruster, and an old gentleman who ought +to have known better. To most of them she opposed an air of +virgin superciliousness very disappointing to their justifiable +anticipations; but the butler promised copy, and she accepted an +invitation to tea in his kitchen. This scene furnished some very +excellent and natural fun, and there was really no need to introduce, +and exploit over and over again, the hallowed device of a trip-mat, +that last resort of the bankrupt farceur. The necessary complications +ensued with the unexpected arrival of the master (one of the +candidates for the lady's hand, I need not say), who makes sudden +demand for an early dinner, a thing impossible to execute with the +cook in a fit of hysterics induced by jealousy of the lady who had +supplanted her in the butler's perfidious affections. + +In the third Act we return to _Mabel's_ flat and resume her interviews +with the applicants for her hand. This revival of the situation of the +First Act was a weakness in the construction. The original _fiance_--a +wooden dummy set up for the purpose of being knocked down--is +dismissed, and _Captain Corkoran_, the bold explorer, is appointed to +the vacancy. He deserved his luck; but, if I wish him joy of it, I do +so without a pang of envy, for she was much too good at back-chat for +a quiet life, to say nothing of her taste in literature, which would +want a deal of correction. + +Of course Miss GLADYS COOPER made her seem much more desirable +than she really was. (I speak of her personal charm and not of +her agreeable costumes, which are for the pens of more instructed +reviewers. I got nothing out of a lady near me, whom I recognised as +a dramatic critic by a question that her neighbour put to her. "Do you +know this frock," she asked, "or will you have to go behind?") Apart +from the delightful picture which Miss COOPER always presents she has +a most swift and delicate feeling for the details of her craft. +She has the confidence that avoids over-emphasis, and she does her +audience the compliment of assuming that they have intelligence enough +to understand the least of those little nods of hers that have the +true eloquence of an under-statement. Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY was at his +best and easiest as _Captain Corkoran_. Mr. HENDRIE handled the broad +humour of the butler with imperturbable restraint, and Miss BARBARA +GOTT was as fine and human a cook as I ever wish to meet in her native +lair. Miss MARGARET FRASER, a most attractive figure, was a model for +any housemaid on whose damask cheek the concealment of an unrequited +passion for her master feeds like a worm i' th' bud. Altogether a +really excellent cast. + +The humour of the dialogue was fresh and well sustained. Here and +there Mr. HARCOURT permitted himself allusive refinements which +deserved a better response, as when _Captain Corkoran_, discussing +with _Mabel_ the menu of the dinner that she fails to cook for him, +adapts the language of SOLOMON and says, "Fritter me apples, for I am +sick of love." This was lost upon an audience insufficiently familiar +with the works of that great voluptuary. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +TASTY DISHES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Food Specialist_.) + +Mr. Punch considers it to be his duty at the present time to show how +an abundance of excellent and nourishing food may be obtained from the +most unlikely materials. In doing this he is aware that he is merely +following the example set him by countless culinary experts, who have +communicated their ideas to the daily press; but Mr. Punch is not to +be deterred from doing a helpful action by any paltry jealousy as to +precedence. His readers, he knows, will be grateful to him for his +generosity. + +NO. I.--FOR GENERAL USE. + +Take two Committees--it is not absolutely necessary that they should +meet more than once--and, having added to them a Chairman, stew on a +slow fire until a Secretary emerges. Turn into an enamelled saucepan +and set to simmer over gas. Then boil up twice into resolutions and +votes of thanks, and let the whole toast for at least three hours. +Sprinkle with amendments and add salt and pepper to taste. Then brown +with a salamander and serve up hot in egg-cups. + +NO. II.--FOR A HOUSEHOLDER IN STREATHAM OR CAMDEN TOWN. + +To half a tennis-lawn add two ounces of croquet-mallet and three +arches of pergola, and reduce the whole to a fine powder. Drench with +still lemonade and boil into a thick paste. Add two hundredweight +of dandelions and plantains together with at least three pounds of +garden-roller and five yards of wire-netting carefully grilled. +Let this be roasted and basted for an hour and then flavoured +with vantage. Turn out into a mould, and serve overhand as fast as +possible, having first shred into the mixture half a ton of daisies or +buttercups, according to taste. + +NO. III.--BEESTING JELLY FOR APIARIANS. + +Catch one thousand bees and extract their stings. Then throw away the +bees and lay the stings gently but firmly on a mash composed of the +breasts of five Buff Orpington cockerels. Sift the whole through +a fine cloth and add the yolks of a hundred poached eggs. Beat up +together for an hour and ten minutes. Flavour with coffee and dilute +with elderberry wine. Allow the mixture to simmer in a hot oven and +serve with fresh asparagus cut before breakfast. + + +NO. IV.--PUNTPOLE PIE FOR RIPARIAN OWNERS. + +Chop into small pieces three or four puntpoles, having first melted +down the metal shoes, and spread thin over as many canoe paddles as +can be obtained for the purpose. Immerse the whole suddenly in +the river and dry before a quick fire. Add one boat's rudder and +twenty-four dab-chicks, and season with three yards of grated swans' +necks, six barbel, four dace and a dozen gudgeon, close time for +these fish being strictly observed. Sprinkle with cowslips and willow +leaves, insert in a pie-dish and cover with a thick paste of bulrushes +and marsh grass. Then set to bake for three hours, and stick four +pigeons' claws into the crust. Picnic baskets from which the salt has +been omitted may be shredded over the surface instead of parsley. + +Mr. Punch has many more recipes equally cheap and excellent, and is +prepared to disclose them to those of his readers who may desire to +practise a rigid economy and at the same time to enjoy an abundance of +good food. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Recruit_ (_with exercising party_). "IF I LETS THE +BLIGHTERS GO THE CORPORAL'LL CUSS ME INTO 'EAPS. AN' IF I 'OLDS ON TO +'EM I'LL BREAK MY BLINKIN' NECK!"] + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE STORY. + + "Will the soldier who assisted the Gentleman with a motor + cycle and sidecar on the Downs on Tuesday communicate with him + at Greenbank Cemetery."--_Bristol Evening News_. + + * * * * * + + "Harry Wilson, milkman, of Devonport, has no connection of + any kind with Woodrow Wilson, of United States of + America."_Auckland Paper_. + +HARRY is now sorry he wrote. + + * * * * * + + "The daily rations of the shirkers are:-- + Bread . . . . . . . . . . . 9 oz. + (uncooked, including bone)." + _Daily Mail_. + +The conscientious objector doesn't seem to be having such a soft time +after all. + + * * * * * + +TYRTAEUS. + + When Sparta's heroes, tired of truce, + The fires of battle woke, + TYRTAEUS sang them golden lays + And bravely on their marching days + His queenly Muse outspoke. + TYRTAEUS' name's come down the years + And did deserve to do, + For so he dried men's eyes of tears, + So loosed their hearts from idle fears, + Stouter they thrust their ashen spears, + Their javelins further threw. + + In those fair days TYRTAEUS' song + Was all men had to trust, + But while he hymned the coming fight + They did not wail, "He can't be right," + They heard and cried, "He must!" + When men of craven soul came in-- + Which now may Heaven forbid-- + Then stout TYRTAEUS would begin:-- + "Mere argument can be no sin, + But whining is; we're going to win." + And so, of course, they did. + + TYRTAEUS' heart has ceased to beat, + But still his measures run, + And still abides the British Press, + Which men must credit, more or less, + To tell how things are done. + So by all bards with hearts of fire + Cheerfully be it sung, + That still our people may not tire + In doing well, but yet aspire; + Let these renew TYRTAEUS' lyre, + Let others hold their tongue. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.) + +A volume called _Curious Happenings_ (MILLS AND BOON) can boast at +least a highly attractive, open-and-see title; to which is added, in +the present instance, a wrapper-picture of the most intriguing brand. +Perhaps not quite all the contents of Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S book +of short stories fully live up to the promise of its outside (what +stories could?), but they have amongst them one, from which both title +and picture are taken, of very unusual and haunting quality. So, if +you should only be able to snatch so much time from work of National +importance as suffices to read a single tale, begin at the start, and +be assured of having the best. Not that the others are without their +attractions, though one is rather gratuitously revolting. Laid in the +picturesque eighteenth century, they all exhibit Miss BOWEN'S very +pretty gift for costume-drama at its happiest. The trouble is that, +with a volume of such short tales, stories of situation, one gets too +familiar with the method--as, for example, in "The Folding Doors," +where a lady's husband and lover had played out their scene before the +closed doors (with an alleged cut finger for the husband), and I +knew only too well in what state the flinging open of the doors would +reveal the lady herself. But perhaps I am exceptionally cursed in this +matter; and, anyhow, a volume that contains even one story so good as +"The Pond" is a thing for gratitude and rejoicing. + + * * * * * + +I may have been wrong in turning to a novel for mental relief; anyhow, +I have just come through one of the toughest bouts of relaxation I can +remember, and my only solace for the slight weariness of such repose +is the thought how much more tired the author, Mr. BASIL CREIGHTON, +must be. With such a hail-storm of metaphor and epigram constantly +dissolving in impalpable mist of mere words has he assaulted _The +History of an Attraction_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) that the poor thing, +atomised, vaporised and analysed to the bone, lies limp and lifeless +between the covers, with hardly a decent rag of incident or story to +cover it. And there one might perhaps be content to let it rest, but +for the fact that _Anita_, the lady of the "Attraction," is worthy of +a better fate. The principal man of the book, who, after much wobbling +consideration, and in spite of his quite fortuitous marriage with some +one else in the meantime, discovers at last that he does love _Anita_, +is the merest peg on which to hang endless philosophisings; and so +is his impossible wife _Janet_ herself, the lady who, after having +accepted his dubious courtship for no particular reason, fortunately +deserts him without any better excuse, thus clearing the way for a +most decorous divorce and readjustment. Neither is the writer's inner +thesis--the immoralness of ordinary morality, so far as I can make +out--particularly agreeable; but _Anita_, though far from being the +sort of person one would look to meet in real life, is intriguing +after a fashion, and just possibly repays the hard work needed for the +making of her acquaintance. + + * * * * * + +Miss M.E.F. IRWIN, whose previous books I remember to have greatly +enjoyed, has produced for her third a story of much originality and +power, called _Out of the House_ (CONSTABLE). The title may perplex +you at first. It comes from the struggles of the heroine to wrench +herself free from encompassing family ties and the tradition of +intermarriage, in order to join her life to the outside lover who +calls to her. You might therefore consider it, in some sense, a story +of eugenics, but that its outlook is emotional rather than +scientific. Yet the _Pomfrets_, as a result of family pride and +over-specialization, had become a sufficiently queer lot to warrant +a normal girl in any violence of house-breaking to be free of them. +Therein of course lies the cleverness of the book; it is full of +atmosphere, and the atmosphere is full of dust, _Pomfret_ dust. You +can feel how heavy to rebellious lungs must have been the air of the +_Pomfret_ houses, where lived _Philip_, the intriguing father, and his +sons _Anthony_ (a little mad) and _Charles_ (much more mad, but with +at least the instincts of a lunatic gentleman). It is not, you will +guess, precisely a lively tale, but the force of it is undeniable. +Miss IRWIN has now more than ever proved herself a fastidious and +careful artist, with a touch of austerity that gives weight to a tale +so frankly one of sentiment, and she will, I hope, continue to keep +her work above the ordinary level. + + * * * * * + +_The Wane of Uxenden_ (ARNOLD) seems to be one of those novels which +may be classed as worthy in intention without being exactly happy in +execution. Miss LEGGE has a desire to warn us all against the perils +of monkeying with spiritism, and she has chosen the method of making +it tiresome even to read about. Well, it is a method certainly. +_Uxenden_ was a nice old family, which had come down to cutting its +timber while a rich Jewish soap-and-scent-manufacturer sat rubbing his +hands on a slice of the property, waiting for the rest of it to come +his way. _Uxenden_ eventually waned entirely, and without tears so far +as I was concerned. I feel sure _Mr. La Haye_ (_ne Levinstein_) would +make a better landlord than the old squire, in spite of the prejudices +of the countryside.... No, I am afraid it would be stretching a point +to promise you any great entertainment from this well-intentioned but +rather woolly book. _Brother Jenkins_, the fraud, of the Society of +Seven, is about the most entertaining of the marionettes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady Customer_. "BUT ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS CHAIR IS +GENUINE CHARLES II.? IT LOOKS RATHER NEW." + +_Fake Antique Dealer_ (_off his guard_). "I'M SORRY, MADAM, WE HAVE NO +_REAL_ ANTIQUES IN STOCK. YOU SEE WE CAN'T GET THE LABOUR."] + + * * * * * + + OUR KINDLY CRITICS. + + "It is Mr. Wells's great advantage as a preacher that he has a + prose style instinct with life and beauty. Somewhere he speaks + of a cathedral as a 'Great, still place, urgent with beauty'; + somewhere else he says, 'The necessary elements of religion + can be written on a postcard.'"--_Daily Chronicle_. + +"Callisthenes" must look to his laurels. + + * * * * * + +Extract from the letter of a lady who helps in parish work and is full +of agricultural enthusiasm:-- + + "Next week I am going to start digging for the vicar." + +Assuming that the reverend gentleman was inadvertently buried alive, +we deprecate this delay. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, May 16, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15377.txt or 15377.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/7/15377/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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