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diff --git a/15377-h/15377-h.htm b/15377-h/15377-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..054259e --- /dev/null +++ b/15377-h/15377-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2616 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, May 16, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i24 {margin-left: 12em;} + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.9em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.ctr {text-align: center;} + sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +May 16, 1917., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 16, 1917. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15377] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 16, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page313" id="page313"></a>[pg + 313]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Several factories where counterfeit bread tickets were + printed have been discovered in Berlin. We understand that the + defence will be that the tickets were only intended to be + exchanged for counterfeit bread.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The enemies' desire," says <span class="sc">King + Ludwig</span> of Bavaria, "will he dashed to pieces against our + troops, who are accustomed to victory." A number of the victors + who are now eating themselves in behind our positions profess + to be absolutely nauseated with it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Five million four hundred thousand pigs, says Herr + <span class="sc">Batocki</span>, have "mysteriously + disappeared" in Germany in the last year. The idea of having + the <span class="sc">Crown Prince's</span> baggage searched + does not seem to have been found feasible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A festival performance of <i>Parsifal</i> is to be given in + Charlottenburg, to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of + Jutland. The proposal to substitute the more topical opera, + <i>The Flying Deutschmann</i>, has been received without + favour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"With such troops," says the <span class="sc">Crown + Prince</span>, "we could fetch the Devil from Hell." We have + always maintained that the German military route lay on a + direct line to Potsdam.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Manchester man writes to say that he has not heard the + cuckoo this year. What England hears to-day Manchester may hear + next month.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Norfolk lady has left an annuity of seventy pounds for the + support of her two favourite cats. Since the announcement of + this windfall we understand that the beneficiaries have been + overwhelmed with offers of marriage.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The bascules of the Tower Bridge were lifted 3,354 times + last year," says a news item. Yet there are those who pretend + that petty crime is on the decrease.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Arundel proposes to have a house-to-house collection of + bones. The Borough Engineer is understood to be completing + specifications for a dog-proof trouser which will be a part of + the collector's uniform.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Islington Borough Council report that in the Lady Day + quarter only ten per cent, of the residents had removed without + paying their rates. The inhabitants of the New Cut now accuse + Islington residents of losing their nerve.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Ipswich," says a daily paper, "is fighting a rat plague by + putting a penny on the head of every rat captured in the + borough." The arrangement with birds is of course different, + You put salt on their tails and capture them afterwards.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The new restrictions on the use of starch will, says Captain + <span class="sc">Bathurst</span>, affect the wearing of + starched garments. It is expected that in the House of Lords + Lord <span class="sc">Spenser</span> and Lord + <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> will join in an impassioned + plea that, until the shortage grows more acute, really + well-dressed men should be allowed to compromise on stiff + dickeys.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to the surveyor receiving increased powers the work of + conscientious objectors on the roads in East Essex has + improved. Mr. <span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>, we hear, will + ask in Parliament whether under these powers the surveyor has + actually threatened to give one conscientious objector a good + hard slap.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that Mexico has promised to stand by America + on condition that if she takes this step on the side of law and + order America will raise no objection to her having a + revolution now and then just to keep her hand in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Allotment-holders in all parts of the country say that their + gardens need rain very badly, and <i>The Daily Mail</i> is + going to take the matter up.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It was stated by a defendant at Wandsworth County Court that + his house was haunted, the bell being rung several times + without any visible human instrumentality. The "Hidden Hand" + again!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To enjoy good health, says Dr. <span class="sc">A. + Fisher</span> in an American journal, we should occasionally + sleep for twelve hours on end. We confess that we may be faddy + in these things, but when sleeping we prefer the horizontal + position.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"One hundred thousand tons of sugar is wasted each year," + says Mrs. <span class="sc">Peel</span>, "through being left in + the bottom of the teacup." A correspondent points out that if + that amount has ever been left in the bottom of his teacup it + was an oversight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German people, says the <i>Kölnische Zeitung</i>, will + not soon forget what they owe to their future Emperor. The + <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span>, while thanking them for + their kindly intention, privately expressed a wish that they + would not keep rubbing it in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to <i>The Express</i>, every British theatrical + star who plays in America is regarded as the best that England + has ever sent out. Until he has heard from Mr. + <span class="sc">Charles Chaplin</span>, Sir + <span class="sc">Herbert Tree</span> is holding back his + message, which reads, "That is so."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A workman at a brewery last week fell into a large vat of + beer. It is given to few men thus to realise the dream of a + lifetime.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>All vendors of comic postcards at Llanfairfeehan, North + Wales, are to be asked by the Town Council to cover them up on + Sundays. We understand that comic postcards may be + differentiated from others by the word "Comic" plainly printed + on the card.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Daily Mail</i> has just celebrated its twenty-first + birthday, and the silence of the <span class="sc">Poet + Laureate</span> on the matter is being adversely commented + upon.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Anarchist, <span class="sc">Lenin</span>, says the + Swedish <i>Dagblad</i>, has been missing for two days. Even + before that he never really seemed to make a hit.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/313.png" alt="THE BRIBE." /></a> + + <h4>THE BRIBE.</h4> + + <p class="sc">"Who goes there?" + "K—kamerad—mit souvenirs."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314" id="page314"></a>[pg + 314]</span> + + <h2>HEREINAFTERS.</h2> + + <h3>I.</h3> + + <p>There are people in the world called tenants. I think + nothing of them; Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do + not think anything of them. However, as this is not so much a + grammar as an explanation, I will get on with it.</p> + + <p>For the last two years we have been letting our flat. + Naturally Celia has had to do most of the work; my military + duties have prevented me from taking my share of it. I have + been so busy, off and on, inspecting my fellow-soldiers' feet, + seeing their boots mended and imploring them to get their hair + cut that I have had no time for purely domestic matters. Celia + has let the flat; I have merely allotted the praise or blame + afterwards. I have also, of course, taken the money.</p> + + <p>Our tenants have varied, but they are all alike in this. + They think much more of their own comfort as tenants than of + our happiness as landlords. They are always wanting things done + for them. When they want things done for them, then I am firm. + Celia may be a shade the more businesslike of the two, but I am + the firmer. I am adamant.</p> + + <p>Take the case of Mr. Toots. As the wife of an officer + proceeding overseas, Celia let the flat to Mr. Toots at the + nominal rental of practically nothing a week. I said it was too + little when I heard of it, but it was then too late—Celia + had already been referred to hereinafter as the landlord. When + he had been established some weeks Mr. Toots wrote to say that + he wanted seven different kinds of wine-glasses, six of each. + Personally I wanted seven different kinds of Keating's Powder + just then; tastes differ. The trouble with Mr. Toots was that + for some reason he expected Celia to supply the glasses. + Whether he only wanted them during his tenancy or meant to keep + them afterwards, we never knew. In any case Celia was + businesslike; she wrote regretting that she could not supply + them.</p> + + <p>But I was firm. I sent a picture-postcard of the champagne + country, which said quite simply, "You must not drink wine + during the War. My husband's milk-glass is in the corner + cupboard."</p> + + <p>Again, take the case of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle. After getting + the flat practically presented to them for a small weekly + bonus, they suggest that they should only pay half terms during + the summer, as they wish to take the children to the seaside. + Celia was for telegraphing to say that it was impossible. For + myself I have just written the following letter:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—Could I consult + my own feelings I would say, 'Pay no rent at all during the + summer. Further, why not sub-let the flat to any of your + own friends who can afford to give you a few guineas a week + for it? Nay more, let <i>me</i> have the privilege of + paying your expenses at the Sunny South. What do you say to + the Métropole at Brighton?' But, alas, I cannot speak thus; + there are others to think of. The King of + <span class="sc">Greece</span>, President + <span class="sc">Wilson</span>, Marshal + <span class="sc">Joffre</span>—I need say no more. + You understand. Things will have to go on as they are, + except that the rent will probably be doubled about + July.</p> + + <p class="ctr">Yours admiringly."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This letter is now waiting to go off. Celia says it is + waiting for a stamp. Personally I don't see the necessity for a + stamp.</p> + + <h3>II.</h3> + + <p>There are people in the world called owners. I think nothing + of them; Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think + anything of them. However, as I said before, this is not a + grammar.</p> + + <p>For the last two years we have been renting cottages. + Naturally Celia has had to do most of the work; the cut and + thrust of a soldier's life has prevented me from taking my + share of it. I have been so busy, off and on, seeing that my + fellow-soldiers have baths, getting them shaved and entreating + them to send their socks to the wash that I have had no time + for domestic trifles. Celia has taken the cottage; I have + merely allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of + course, paid the money.</p> + + <p>Our landlords have varied, but they are all alike in this. + They think much more of their own comfort as landlords than of + our happiness as tenants. They are always wanting things done + for them. When they want things done for them, then I am firm. + Indeed I am granite.</p> + + <p>Take the case of Mr. Perkins, who owns our present cottage. + Celia borrowed the cottage from Mr. Perkins at a rental of + several thousands a week. I said it was too much when I heard + of it; but it was then too late—she had already been + referred to hereinafter as the tenant. As soon as we got in we + began to make it look more like a cottage; that is to say, we + accidentally dropped the aspidistra out of the window, lost the + chiffonier, removed most of the obstacles and entanglements + from the drawing-room to the box-room, and replaced the lace + curtains with chintzes. In the same spirit of altruism we + improved the bedrooms. At the end of a week we had given Mr. + Perkins a cottage of which any man might be proud.</p> + + <p>But there is no pleasing some people. A closer examination + of the lease, in the hope that we had over-counted the noughts + in the rental, revealed to us the following:—</p> + + <p>"At the expiration of the said tenancy, all furniture and + effects will be delivered up by the tenant in the same rooms + and positions in which they were found."</p> + + <p>Not a word of thanks, you notice, for the new avenues of + beauty which we had opened out for him; no gratitude for the + great revelation that art was not bounded by aspidistras nor + comfort by chiffoniers; nothing but that old reactionary spirit + to which, if I may speak of lesser things, the Russian + Revolution was due. Like Mr. Perkins, the Bourbons learned + nothing and forgot nothing.</p> + + <p>Naturally I wrote to Mr. Perkins:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,—I regret to + inform you that the aspidistra has perished. It never took + kindly to us and started wilting on the second day. As + regards other <i>objets d'art</i> once in the drawing-room, + but now seeking the seclusion of the box-room, we are in a + little difficulty. Before letting it go my wife took the + bearing of the marble how-now from the bamboo what-not and + made it 28° 20', quite forgetting, unfortunately, that the + what-not had also decided to lie fallow for a season. + Consequently, while the direction of the what-not-how-now + line is definitely fixed, their actual positions remain + unestablished. Is it too much to hope that when the time + comes for them to seek again the purer air of the + drawing-room they will be able to rely upon the guidance of + an old friend like yourself rather than upon that of two + comparative strangers?</p> + + <p class="ctr">Yours anxiously."</p> + </blockquote> + + <h3>III.</h3> + + <p>Sometimes I wonder what Mr. Perkins would say if I suggested + paying half-rent during the winter.</p> + + <p>Sometimes Celia wonders what she will say if she finds that + Mrs. Winkle has re-arranged all her furniture for her.</p> + + <p>"We might," said Celia, looking at the two letters, "send + the Perkins one to Mrs. Winkle and the Winkle one to Mr. + Perkins."</p> + + <p>"Why?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Just to show how broad-minded we are," said Celia.</p> + + <p class="author">A.A.M.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Economy.</h4> + + <p class="ctr">Seen in a Birmingham shop window:</p> + + <p class="ctr">"SECOND & FURNITURE."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page315" id="page315"></a>[pg + 315]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/315.png" alt="A BAD DREAM." /></a> + + <h3>A BAD DREAM.</h3><span class="sc">Spectre.</span> + "WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF ME, EAT LESS BREAD." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page316" id="page316"></a>[pg + 316]</span> + + <h2>ON THE SPY-TRAIL.</h2> + + <p>Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter + with Jones minimus, he was so gloomy.</p> + + <p>He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven. + Jimmy had to tell him not to say such wicked things, because + sometimes when you wished things like that they came true, and + then where would Jones minimus be?</p> + + <p>Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but + it turned out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost + or mislaid it, he told Jimmy.</p> + + <p>It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another + shilling to make 15<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, and then in five years + they gave you one pound, and it was because of the compound + interest someone invented.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and + asked if they had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing + his pig. Jimmy says it wanders off for a walk nearly every day + talking to itself and going into gardens and relishing things. + It is a very good relisher, Jimmy says.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home + circles; but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its + way.</p> + + <p>You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on + its back.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at + sight next time.</p> + + <p>Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put + butter on its feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus + suddenly remembered. He had put the War Loan in his algebra + book and left it in Jimmy's garden. Jimmy says it was a good + thing they went back when they did, because when he got home he + found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy suspecting a chimney-sweep + of being a spy; he had done it to the chimney-sweep's trousers, + Jimmy says.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises + with his brush at Faithful and working his black face at + him.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a + prize bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on + guard, and in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is + it?"</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the + chimney-sweep's face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy + that he was travelling the country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy + said that they had already had theirs swept, because a cat got + in their dining-room and Jimmy had put in his bloodhound to + tell it to go out.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but + couldn't find it, and they were just giving up in despair when + they heard Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his + kennel, and there it was.</p> + + <p>Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was + busy solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War + Loan.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/316.png" + alt="<i>Scandalised N.S. Volunteer</i>." /></a> + <i>Scandalised N.S. Volunteer</i>. + <span class="sc">"'Indenburg's watchin' yer!"</span> + </div> + + <p>Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they + took the algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him + back again, as he said it was no good to him, and perhaps + Faithful would find out how to catch another German spy, or + else how to make up the War Loan to 15<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i></p> + + <p>Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way + he tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones + minimus's mouth water.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just + beginning to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there + was the milkman's pig calmly standing in the garden next door, + looking at him through the hedge and actually munching a piece + of coal at him.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like + anything, and when the pig began flapping his ears at him old + Faithful had to go right into the far corner of his kennel and + nurse his wrath.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in + a very short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when + Jones minimus and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out + Faithful at him. Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and + walked round the garden sampling things and inquiring into + them.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the + pig saw him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought + he was chasing the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing + Faithful, and they did it in a ring on the lawn.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves + up, because the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and + scratched his back at Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept + smelling the ground like anything.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some + places, but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came + out and accused it of being there.</p> + + <p>Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a + lake it always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But + the man hadn't got a lake, he had only got an ornamental + fountain, and the pig had already scratched that over with its + back. The pig seemed very uneasy about its back, Jimmy + says.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he + would remove the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden + in five minutes.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he + thinks it must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very + much surprised at Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and + get to bed.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both + squeezed through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the + pig's ear, and then they both went down the road, Faithful + leading by about a yard, and looking behind him with both eyes + to make sure the pig was following him. Jimmy says his + bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the pig stopped to + smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in the gutter + old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging + slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly + back and deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand, + Jimmy says. There they stood + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page317" id="page317"></a>[pg + 317]</span> in silent contest for about five seconds, each + trying to bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand + the strain no longer, and, breaking away with all its strength, + actually rushed into the garden of the man who had promised to + shoot it at sight next time.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden + until the man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off + tulips and browsed on some early peas and was making a regular + meatless day of it, and then the man came rushing out with his + gun.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down, + because the man was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking + about things and aiming his gun at the pig, and the pig kept + running round and round and getting mixed up with Faithful. + Then just as Jimmy was expecting the gun to go off the + chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from the back + part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and + walked right into the middle of it all.</p> + + <p>Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made + even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the + chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his + double-barrelled gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and + there was the chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air, + shouting "Kamerad!" as hard as he could.</p> + + <p>Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's + bloodhound had actually made up the War Loan to 15<i>s.</i> + 6<i>d.</i>, and caught a German spy at the same time, with + nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course Jimmy knew how + old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what a really prize + bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous equations, of + course.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/317.png" + alt="ARE YOU THE REG'LAR GARD'NER, OR JUST IN FOR THE DAY?" /> + </a> <i>Newcomer</i> (<i>to veteran sanitary + orderly</i>).<span class="sc">"Are you the reg'lar + gard'ner, or just in for the day?"</span> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Scheinboden, who is very well known as a + partisan of the 'Mailed Fish.'"—<i>Manchester Evening + News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The very man for a submarine campaign.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The main goal for which our troops went + was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed main goal + for which our troops went was the Oppy switch line, a + hastily constructed trench system by which the Germans have + extended their Hindenburg line northwards."—<i>Sunday + Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been + rather hastily constructed.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NATIONAL SERVICE;<br /> + <span class="sc">Or, The Single Eye.</span></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good Jones, who saw his duty plain,</p> + + <p>Resolved he would not live in vain;</p> + + <p>He bought some land and made a start,</p> + + <p>He gave up literature and art,</p> + + <p>He studied books on what to grow,</p> + + <p>He studied Mr. <span class="sc">Prothero</span>;</p> + + <p>He worked from early dawn till ten,</p> + + <p>Then went to town like other men,</p> + + <p>And in his office he would stand</p> + + <p>Expatiating on the land.</p> + + <p>Prom five again he worked till eight,</p> + + <p>Although it made his dinner late;</p> + + <p>He could not tear himself away,</p> + + <p>He could not leave his native clay.</p> + + <p>At last, his energy all spent,</p> + + <p>He put his tools away and went,</p> + + <p>Took off his suit of muddy tan,</p> + + <p>Became a clean and cultured man,</p> + + <p>And settled firmly down to dine.</p> + + <p>On fish and fowl and meat and wine</p> + + <p>And bread as much as he might need;</p> + + <p>And while he dined he used to read</p> + + <p>What <span class="sc">Prothero</span> had said last + night,</p> + + <p>And felt that he was doing right.</p> + + <p>He didn't notice food was short;</p> + + <p>He quite forgot Lord + <span class="sc">Devonport</span>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page318" id="page318"></a>[pg + 318]</span> + + <h2>THE TWO CONSTABLES.</h2> + + <p>It happened one evening when my wife was staying away with + her mother, in the dark months of last winter, when we were + without servants, and I was glad to have received an invitation + from my neighbour Jones to dinner.</p> + + <p>He and his wife welcomed me warmly, and their rather + unintelligent maid had just brought in the saddle of + mutton—a great weakness of mine—when we heard a + firm knock on the hall door. She returned to say that someone + wanted to speak to Mr. Brown immediately. "Who is it?" I + demanded. "I don't know, Sir," said the girl, "but he looks + like a policeman."</p> + + <p>"I hope nothing has happened to your wife," said Mrs. J. + anxiously. "Or her mother," added Jones rather cynically.</p> + + <p>The man at the door was certainly a policeman, and an + elderly one, and had probably been recalled from pension when + the War broke out.</p> + + <p>"Good evening, Sir," he said, staring hard at me. "Are you + Mr. Brown"—I nodded—"of Myrtle Villa, next + door"—he eyed me suspiciously—"No. 17?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes," I said impatiently; "what of it?"</p> + + <p>"I must ask you for your name and address, Sir," pulling out + his note-book, "for showing a strong light at the back of the + 'ouse at 8 P.M."</p> + + <p>"That's all nonsense," I answered impatiently; "the house is + empty."</p> + + <p>"Excuse me, Sir, I saw it myself from the road at the back + and came straight round," said he with his notebook ready.</p> + + <p>"But it can't be," I said, getting annoyed.</p> + + <p>At this moment a Special came running down the path. + "They're coming," he panted.</p> + + <p>"Who are?" I asked. "No one's been invited but myself."</p> + + <p>"The engines."</p> + + <p>"But I haven't ordered any," said I.</p> + + <p>"I gave the alarm myself," he added proudly.</p> + + <p>Jones's rather unintelligent maid had been standing by my + side the whole time. "Excuse me, Sir," she said, "I don't know, + but I think there's something wrong with your 'ouse—the + little room at the back, where you sit and smoke of an evenin'. + There's been a big light there for some time—a wobbly + one. I don't know, Sir, but I think the 'ouse is a-fire."</p> + + <p>"<i>What?</i>" I yelled, and dashed aside the two varieties + of constabulary. Yes, it was all true. The strong light at the + back of the house—a wobbly one—was rapidly becoming + a glow in the heavens, as they say in journalese. I stood and + looked at it, staggered for the moment, when I heard a cheer + and saw the engines coming. I dashed for my front-door, but + found myself forcibly dragged back. It was the Special, who + seemed to be having the time of his life.</p> + + <p>"No one allowed to enter a burning building," said he + importantly.</p> + + <p>"But I must," I cried; "there are some valuable + papers——"</p> + + <p>"No one allowed to enter," he repeated firmly—he + seemed to have learned it by heart—"except the firemen + and police."</p> + + <p>"Well, you go in and get them then. I'll——"</p> + + <p>"Pass along, please," he said quite suddenly, as a new phase + of his duties seemed to occur to him, and I found myself edged + back towards the crowd.</p> + + <p>Now I had to have those papers, and an idea occurred to me, + so I stopped. "I say, how about your dinner? You'll miss it + altogether. I don't want to keep you. Perhaps if you hurry off + at once——"</p> + + <p>"Dinner," he cried indignantly, gripping me fiercely by the + arm—"what is dinner compared with duty? Do you know, man, + I've been doing this bally Special business for over two years + and never had a case yet, and now that I've got a real + fire—and this is my own fire, mind you, my very + own——"</p> + + <p>"I thought it was mine," I ventured.</p> + + <p>"You talk to me of dinner! Pass right along, please;" and I + found myself back among the crowd, who seemed to be thoroughly + enjoying it.</p> + + <p>There was a small cheer just then as the flames came through + the roof. Of Jones and his wife I saw nothing, but supposed + they must have stayed on to enjoy their saddle of mutton, and + wondered if they had kept mine hot for me. I could have kept it + hot in my own house, I reflected rather miserably.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The fire had been extinguished. As the crowd dispersed I + felt a touch on my shoulder. It was the elderly constable, + note-book in hand. "You are Mr. Brown, Sir, of Myrtle Villa?" + he inquired patiently. "I haven't had your name and address + yet, Sir, for showing an unguarded light at the rear of the + premises at 8 P.M."</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Plain Cook (good). Wanted for country + house; six kept."—<i>Devon and Exeter + Gazette</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Too many; sure to spoil the broth.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The Irish Party cars are placarded with + posters calling on the electors to vote for 'Unity and + Party,' and there are the cryptic words, '1/8 Up. + M'Kenna.'"—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>But as the result of the election Mr. + <span class="sc">Mckenna</span> went to a slight discount.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A CHÂTEAU IN FRANCE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Artists reared it in courtly ages;</p> + + <p class="i2"><span class="sc">Watteau</span> and + <span class="sc">Fragonard</span> limned its walls;</p> + + <p>Powdered lackeys and negro pages</p> + + <p class="i2">Served the great in its shining + halls;</p> + + <p>Minstrels played, in its salons, stately</p> + + <p class="i2">Minuets for a jewelled king,</p> + + <p>And radiant gallants bowed sedately</p> + + <p class="i2">To lovely Pompadours curtseying.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pigeons cooed in its dovecots shady;</p> + + <p class="i2">Down in the rose-walk fountains + played;</p> + + <p>Many a lovelorn lord and lady</p> + + <p class="i2">Here in the moonlight sighed and + strayed;</p> + + <p>Here was beauty and love and laughter,</p> + + <p class="i2">Splendour and eminence bravely won;</p> + + <p>But now two walls and a blackened rafter</p> + + <p class="i2">Grimly tell the tale of the Hun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My lady's chamber is dust and ashes;</p> + + <p class="i2">The painted salons are charred with + fire;</p> + + <p>The dovecot pitted with shrapnel splashes,</p> + + <p class="i2">The park a tangle of trench and wire;</p> + + <p>Shell-holes yawn in the ferns and mosses;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stripped and torn is the avenue;</p> + + <p>Down in the rose-walk humble crosses</p> + + <p class="i2">Grow where my lady's roses grew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet in the haunted midnight hours,</p> + + <p class="i2">When star-shells droop through the + shattered trees,</p> + + <p>Steal they back to their ancient bowers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beau Brocade and his Belle Marquise?</p> + + <p>Greatly loving and greatly daring—</p> + + <p class="i2">Fancy, perhaps, but the fancy grips,</p> + + <p><i>For a junior subaltern woke up swearing</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>That a gracious lady had kissed his + lips.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + + <p>From a butcher's advertisement:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"TOUGH & INDIFFERENT MEAT</p> + + <p class="i2">IS DEAR AT ANY PRICE.</p> + + <p class="i10">TRY</p> + + <p class="i6">——— & Sons</p> + + <p>And prove it for yourselves."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"A certain amount of discussion took place, + and it was acknowledged that the number of horses in + training had been exagggerated."—<i>Daily + Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Nevertheless there is certainly one gee too many.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The <i>Lokalanzeiger</i> publishes an appeal for a new + German National Anthem. We understand that the best composition + that has been sent in up to the time of going to press begins + as follows:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who is <span class="sc">William</span>? What is + he</p> + + <p>That all our swine adore him?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page319" id="page319"></a>[pg + 319]</span> + + <h3>ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/319-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-1.png" + alt="NOW THEN, MABEL, NOT SO MUCH POSING" /></a> + + <p><i>The Plough Girl</i>. <span class="sc">"Now then, + Mabel, not so much posing or you'll have the horses bumping + into that rainbow."</span></p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/319-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-2.png" + alt="I DON'T THINK THAT DRESS WOULD REALLY SUIT ME." /></a> + + + <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>regarding the + mannequin</i>).<span class="sc">"I don't think that dress + would really suit me. Chin-chin doesn't seem to care about + it either."</span></p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + + + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/319-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-3.png" + alt="THE UNHAPPY DINER WHO HAS BEEN REFUSED A SECOND HELPING." /> + </a> + + <p class="sc">The unhappy diner who has been refused a + second helping.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/319-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-4.png" + alt="IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER HAMLET THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Mr. Martin Harvey</i>.<span class="sc">—"It is + a far, far better <i>Hamlet</i> than anyone has ever + done."</span></p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/319-5.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-5.png" + alt="THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION OF THE BRETON AND THE BISHOP." /> + </a> + + <p class="sc">The mutual admiration of the Breton and the + Bishop.</p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + + + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/319-6.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-6.png" + alt="EXCUSE ME, GUV'NOR, BUT WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED" /></a> + + <p><i>The Terrier</i>. <span class="sc">"Excuse me, + Guv'nor, but when you've finished reading the despatches + you might look and see if they're going to do anything + about <i>us</i>."</span></p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/319-7.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/319-7.png" + alt="YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID <i>YOU</i> DO IN THE GREAT WAR?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>The Angel and the Veteran</i> (<i>to conscientious + objector</i>).<span class="sc">"Young man, what did + <i>you</i> do in the great war?"</span></p> + </div><br clear="all" /> + + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320" id="page320"></a>[pg + 320]</span> + + <h2>THE JOLLY BARGEMAN.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've put the old mare's tail in plaits, now ain't + she lookin' gay?</p> + + <p>With ribbons in 'er mane as well—you'd think + it First o' May;</p> + + <p>For why? we're under Government, though it ain't + just plain to me</p> + + <p>If we're in the Civil Service or the + Admiralitee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," oh, we'll do the best + we're able,</p> + + <p>For we're servin' of our country an' we're 'elpin' + 'er to win;</p> + + <p>An' when the War is over then we'll all lie down in + clover,</p> + + <p>With a drink all together at the "Navigation + Inn"!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I brought the news to Missis, an' to 'er these words + did say,</p> + + <p>"Just chuck yon old broom-'andle an' a two-three + nails this way,</p> + + <p>We're bound to 'ave a flagstaff for our old + red-white-and-blue,</p> + + <p>For since we're under Government we'll 'ave our + ensign too."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Navy is the Navy, an' it sails upon the sea;</p> + + <p>The Army is the Army, an' on land it 'as to be;</p> + + <p>There's the land an' there's the water, 'an the Cut + comes in between,</p> + + <p>And I don't know what you'd call me if it ain't an + 'Orse Marine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Missis sits upon the barge the same's she used + to sit,</p> + + <p>But they'll 'ave 'er in the papers now for doin' of + her bit;</p> + + <p>An' I walk upon the tow-path 'ere as proud as + anything—</p> + + <p>If I 'aven't got no uniform I'm serving of the + <span class="sc">King</span>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," an' we'll do the best + we're able,</p> + + <p class="i2">For the country's been an' called us, an' + we've got to 'elp to win;</p> + + <p>An' when the War is over, oh, we'll all lie down in + clover,</p> + + <p class="i2">With a drink all together at the + "Navigation Inn."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">C.F.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/320.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/320.png" alt="OUR MIXED ARMY." /></a> + + <h3>OUR MIXED ARMY.</h3> + + <p><i>First Recruit</i>. <span class="sc">"'Ere—tell + old bald-'ead to bung the salt over."</span></p> + + <p><i>Second Recruit</i>. <span class="sc">"Er—might + i trouble you for the salt, sir?"</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE OPEN DOOR.</h3> + + <p>Mr. Punch has thought that some of his hospitable readers + might be glad to have the opportunity of giving the welcome of + their houses, in however simple a way, to Australian soldiers + on leave, who would greatly appreciate the chance of seeing + something of English home life. An "Invitation Bureau" has been + opened at the "Anzac" Buffet, 94, Victoria Street, where offers + of entertainment should be addressed.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The Military Representative appealed + against the exemption of William Blake, aged 35, unmarried, + a slaughterman in the employment of Mr. George Rigg, pork + butcher. The Military Representative suggested that Mr. + Rigg should slaughter himself. Mr. Rigg stated that he + could not slaughter himself."—<i>Carlisle + Journal</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Compare <i>The Mikado</i>:—</p> + + <p><i>Koko</i>. "Besides, I don't see how a man could cut off + his own head."</p> + + <p><i>Pooh-Bah</i>. "A man might try."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page321" id="page321"></a>[pg + 321]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/321.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/321.png" alt="HIS LATEST" /></a> + + <h3>HIS LATEST.</h3> + + <p><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span> "THIS IS SORRY WORK + FOR A HOHENZOLLERN; STILL, NECESSITY KNOWS NO + TRADITIONS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page322" id="page322"></a>[pg + 322]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, May 7th</i>.—The Royal House has found an + unexpected defender in Mr. <span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>. + He alone has perceived the hidden danger underlying the recent + proposal of the Lower House of Convocation to restore + <span class="sc">King Charles I</span>. to his old place in the + Church Calendar. This, he considers, is a direct encouragement + to the persons who seek the restoration of the Stuart dynasty, + and would make Prince <span class="sc">Rupprecht</span> of + Bavaria heir-apparent to the British Throne. The House was + relieved to hear from Mr. <span class="sc">Brace</span> that + there was no immediate danger of this contingency. Indeed, + Prince <span class="sc">Rupprecht</span> has had so much + trouble already with his prospective subjects that he has + probably no desire for their closer acquaintance.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/322-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/322-2.png" + alt="WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SEVENTY MILLION POUNDS OUT?" /> + </a> + + <p class="sc"><i>Mr. Bonar Law</i> (<i>to Mr. McKenna</i>). + "As one chancellor of the exchequer to another, what do you + do when you're seventy million pounds out?"</p> + </div> + + <p>Sir <span class="sc">Leo Chiozza Money</span> is ordinarily + a chirpy little person, quite able to take care of himself. But + he was obviously depressed by his inability to furnish a + plausible reason why two food-ships, having arrived safely in + home ports, should have been sent away undischarged, with the + result that they were torpedoed and their cargoes lost. The + statement that he was "still inquiring" brought no comfort to + the House of (Short) Commons. Why doesn't the + <span class="sc">Shipping Controller</span> organise a Flying + Squadron of dock-labourers?</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, May 8th</i>.—The official reticence + regarding the names and exploits of our airmen was the subject + of much complaint. Mr. <span class="sc">Macpherson</span> + declared that it was quite in accordance with the wishes of the + R.F.C. themselves. But Sir <span class="sc">H. Dalziel</span> + was still dissatisfied. He knew of a young lieutenant who had + brought down forty enemy machines and been personally + congratulated by the Commander-in-Chief, and yet his name was + not published. It is obvious that praise even from Sir + <span class="sc">Douglas Haig</span> is not the same thing as a + paragraph in <i>Reynolds' Newspaper</i>.</p> + + <p>A request for an increased boot-allowance to the + Metropolitan Police met with a dubious reception from Mr. + <span class="sc">Brace</span>, who explained that it would + involve an expenditure of many thousands of pounds. It is + rumoured that the Home Office is considering the recruitment of + a Bantam Force, with a view to reducing the acreage of leather + required.</p> + + <div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/322-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/322-1.png" + alt="BEAU BRUMMEL BILLING GIVES THE 'NO-STARCH' MOVEMENT A GOOD SEND-OFF." /> + </a> + + <p class="sc">Beau Brummel Billing gives the "No-starch" + movement a good send-off.</p> + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, May 9th</i>.—If the + <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> should be + accused of having taken advantage of his knowledge of the + Budget-proposals to lay in a secret hoard of tobacco he will + have no one to blame but himself. He solemnly assured the House + that nothing has been brought to his notice to show that the + trade is making undue profits. It is clear, therefore, that he + has not had occasion to go into a tobacconist's and ask for his + favourite mixture, only to find that his three-half-penny tax + has sent the price up by twopence.</p> + + <p>By prohibiting the manufacture of starch the Government has + done something to please Mr. + <span class="sc">Pemberton-Billing</span>. The hon. Member, who + has always affected the "soft shirts that Sister Susie sews," + is flattered to think that he has set a fashion which must now + become universal. When Captain + <span class="sc">Bathurst</span>, falling into his humour, + assured him that even <span class="sc">Beau Brummel</span> + would accept the position with patriotic resignation, Mr. + <span class="sc">Billing</span> felt that he had found his true + vocation as an arbiter of taste.</p> + + <p>In moving a Vote of Credit for the unexampled sum of five + hundred millions, Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> + apologised for a slight error in his Budget statement. He had + then estimated the expenditure of the country at five and a + half millions a day. Owing to fortuitous circumstances, the + amount for the first thirty-five days of the financial year had + turned out to be seven and a half millions a day. Mr. + <span class="sc">Mckenna</span>, conscious of some similar + lapses in calculation during his own time at the Exchequer, + handsomely condoned the mistake. Still one felt that it + strengthened the stentorian plea for economy made by Mr. J.A.R. + <span class="sc">Marriott</span> in a maiden speech that would + perhaps have been better if it had not been quite so good. The + House is accustomed to a little hesitation in its novices and + does not like to be lectured even by an Oxford don.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/322-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/322-3.png" alt="THE SECRET SESSION." /></a>THE + SECRET SESSION. + + <p class="sc"><i>Winston.</i> "No report of speeches. It + hardly seems worth while."</p> + </div> + + <p>The debate produced a number of speeches more suitable for + the Secret Session that was to follow. Our enemies will surely + be heartened when they read the criticisms passed by Mr. + <span class="sc">George Lambert</span>, an ex-Minister of the + Crown, upon our Naval policy, and + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page323" id="page323"></a>[pg + 323]</span> by Mr. <span class="sc">Dillon On</span> the + Salonika Expedition; and they will not understand that the one + is dominated by the belief that no Board of Admiralty that does + not include Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> can possibly be + efficient; and that the other is congenitally unable to believe + anything good of British administration in Ireland or + elsewhere.</p> + + <p>For once Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> took the + gloves off to Mr. <span class="sc">Dillon</span>, and told him + plainly that more attention would be paid to his criticism if + he was himself doing something to help in the prosecution of + the War.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, May 10th</i>.—I gather from Mr. + <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> report of the Secret Session + that nothing sensational was revealed. The + <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> "encouraging account + of the methods adopted to meet the submarine attack" was not + much more explicit, I infer, than the speech which Lord + <span class="sc">Curzon</span> was making simultaneously, + <i>urbi et orbi</i>, in the House of Lords, or Mr. + <span class="sc">Asquith</span> would not have + observed—again I quote the official report—that + "hardly anything had been said which could not have been said + openly."</p> + + <p>That none of the Nationalists should have addressed the + House was perhaps less due to their constitutional reticence + than to the depressing effect of the South Longford election, + where their nominee was defeated by the Sinn Fein + candidate—one <span class="sc">Mcguinness</span>, and + evidently a stout fellow. But it is odd to find that the debate + was conducted without the assistance of Messrs. + <span class="sc">Billing, Pringle</span> and + <span class="sc">Hogge</span>. Their eloquent silence was a + protest, no doubt, against the eviction of the reporters. Mr. + <span class="sc">Churchill</span> was probably suffering equal + anguish, but with patriotic self-sacrifice he refused to + deprive his fellow-legislators of the privilege of hearing once + again his views on the conduct of War.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/323.jpg"><img width="100%" + src="images/323.jpg" + alt="WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO YER?" /></a> + + <p><i>Mrs. Smith</i> (<i>to Mr. Smith, who has just been + examined by Army Medical Board</i>). <span class="sc">"What + did the Doctor say to yer?"</span></p> + + <p><i>Mr. Smith</i>. <span class="sc">"'E sez to me, + 'you've got a stigma an' a congenial squint.'"</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>JILL-OF-ALL-TRADES AND MISTRESS OF MANY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">[<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, writing on + women farmers, quotes the tribute of + <span class="sc">Hutton</span>, the historian, to a + Derbyshire lady who died at Matlock in 1854: "She + undertakes any kind of manual labour, as holding the + plough, driving the team, thatching the barn, using the + flail; but her chief avocation is breaking horses at a + guinea per week. She is fond of Pope and Shakespeare, is a + self-taught and capable instrumentalist, and supports the + bass viol in Matlock Church."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though in the good old-fashioned days</p> + + <p class="i2">The feminine factotum rarely</p> + + <p>Was honoured with a crown of bays</p> + + <p class="i2">When she had won it fairly;</p> + + <p>She did emerge at times like one</p> + + <p class="i2">For manual work a perfect glutton,</p> + + <p>Blue-stocking half, half Amazon,</p> + + <p class="i2">As chronicled by + <span class="sc">Hutton</span>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now you'll find her counterpart</p> + + <p class="i2">In almost every English + village—</p> + + <p>A mistress of the arduous art</p> + + <p class="i2">Of scientific tillage,</p> + + <p>Who cheerfully resigns the quest</p> + + <p class="i2">Of all that makes a woman charming,</p> + + <p>And shows an even greater zest</p> + + <p class="i2">For gardening and farming.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She used to petrify her dons;</p> + + <p class="i2">She was a most efficient bowler;</p> + + <p>But now she's baking barley scones</p> + + <p class="i2">To help the <span class="sc">Food + Controller</span>;</p> + + <p>Good <i>Mrs. Beeton</i> she devours,</p> + + <p class="i2">And not the dialogues of + <span class="sc">Plato</span>,</p> + + <p>And sets above the Cult of Flowers</p> + + <p class="i2">The Cult of the Potato.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The studious maid whose classic brow</p> + + <p class="i2">Was high with conscious pride of + learning</p> + + <p>Now grooms the pony, milks the cow,</p> + + <p class="i2">And takes a hand at churning;</p> + + <p>And one I know, whose music had</p> + + <p class="i2">Done credit to her educators,</p> + + <p>Has sold her well-beloved "Strad"</p> + + <p class="i2">To purchase incubators!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The object of this humble lay</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not to minimize the glory</p> + + <p>Of women of an earlier day</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose deeds are shrined in story;</p> + + <p>'Tis only to extol the grit</p> + + <p class="i2">Of clever girls—and none work + harder—</p> + + <p>Who daily do their toilsome "bit"</p> + + <p class="i2">To stock the nation's larder.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page324" id="page324"></a>[pg + 324]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/324.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/324.png" alt="GIT A MOVE ON, ALBERT" /></a> + + <p><i>Overburdened Mother</i>. <span class="sc">"Git a move + on, Albert—keepin' the 'ole bloomin' world + back—an' a war on, too!"</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONE OF OUR DIFFICULTIES.</h2> + + <p>Under this title I refer to a lady whom I will call Mrs. + Legion, for there are many of her all over the country, bless + her conservative old heart. She has been in service as cook or + cook-housekeeper most of her life (she is now getting on in + years), and constant preoccupation with kitchen affairs has + somewhat narrowed her outlook, so that the circumvention of the + butcher, whose dominant idea (she believes) is to provide her + with indifferent joints, is more to her than the defeat of + <span class="sc">Hindenburg</span>; and so far as she is + concerned the main theatre of the War is neither Europe nor the + Atlantic, but the coal merchant's yard, which disgorges its + treasure so grudgingly. Not only is her first thought for her + cooking, in order—the transition to her second thought is + automatic—that her employer or employers may be + comfortable; but it is her last thought too.</p> + + <p>With such singleness of purpose to crystallize her, she + cannot absorb even the gravest of warnings; not from + unwillingness or stupid obstinacy, but from sheer inability to + grasp any novelty. That her beloved master and + mistress—either or both—should not have the best of + everything and plenty of it is, at this advanced stage in her + career, unthinkable. Even though she read it in print she would + disregard it, for her attitude to them papers is sceptical; + even Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span>, with all his + many voices, dulcet or commanding, has wooed in vain.</p> + + <p>I imagine that the milkman, from whom she heard of the War + and whom she thinks (for his class) a sagacious fellow, has + warned her against the Press. Anyway she has refused—and + will, I fancy, never relent—to allow any extreme idea of + food shortage to disturb her routine.</p> + + <p>"Look here, Mrs. Legion," you say, "really, you + know"—you don't like, or you have lost the power, to be + too firm with her after all these years of + friendliness—"really we mustn't have toast any more."</p> + + <p>"Not toast!"</p> + + <p>"No, not any more. In fact"—a light laugh + here—"I'm going to do without bread altogether + directly."</p> + + <p>"Do without bread!" This with much more alarmed surprise + than if you had declared your intention of forswearing + clothes.</p> + + <p>"Yes; the Government want us to eat less bread. In fact we + must, you know; and toast is particularly wasteful, they + say."</p> + + <p>"There's no waste in this house, Sir [or 'M]." This with a + touch of acerbity, for Mrs. Legion is not without pride. "No + one can ever accuse me of waste. I'm not vain, but that I will + say."</p> + + <p>"No, no," you hasten to reply, "of course not; but things + have reached such a point, you know, that even the strictest + economy and care have got to be made more strict. That's all. + And toast has to be stopped, I'm afraid."</p> + + <p>"Very well, Sir [or 'M], if you wish it. But I can't say + that I understand what it all means."</p> + + <p>And that evening, which is meatless and is given up largely + to asparagus (just beginning, thank God!), you certainly see no + toast in the rack, but find that the tender green faggot + reposes on a slab of it large enough to feed several + children.</p> + + <p>Mrs. Legion may go to church, but her real religion is + concerned far more with her employers' bodies than with her own + soul; and among the cardinal tenets of her faith is the + necessity for dinner to be hot. You may have a + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page325" id="page325"></a>[pg + 325]</span> cold lunch, but everything at dinner must have been + cooked especially for that meal, all circling about the joint, + or a bird, like satellite suns.</p> + + <p>How to cleave such a rock of tradition? How to bring the old + Tory into line with the new rules and yet not break her + heart?</p> + + <p>"And, Mrs. Legion," you say, not too boldly, and at the end + of some other remark, "we'll have yesterday's leg of mutton for + dinner to-night, with a salad."</p> + + <p>"Cold mutton for dinner?" she replies dully.</p> + + <p>"Yes—now the weather's getting warmer it's much nicer. + It will save coal too. Just the mutton and a salad. No + potatoes."</p> + + <p>"No potatoes!" Surely the skies are falling, says her + accent. You have been eating mashed potatoes, done with cream + and a dash of beetroot in it, with cold meat, at lunch, for + years.</p> + + <p>"No, no—we mustn't eat potatoes any more. Haven't you + heard?"</p> + + <p>"I heard something about it, yes. But aren't we to eat those + we've got?"</p> + + <p>"No, we must give them away. Remember, just cold mutton and + salad. And no toast." You are getting more confidence. "Never + toast any more"—another light laugh—"never any + more!"</p> + + <p>And at dinner there are the cold mutton and salad all right; + but to your horror you are asked first to eat a slice of salmon + with two boiled potatoes.</p> + + <p>"Good heavens!" you say, "what's this?"</p> + + <p>"Well, Sir [or 'M], the fishmonger called, and as I felt + sure the cold meat couldn't be enough for you...."</p> + + <p>Summoning all your courage you protest again, adding, "And + another thing, Mrs. Legion; you mustn't make any more pastry. + The flour can't be spared. It's not only bread we've got to be + careful about, but everything made with flour."</p> + + <p>"Then what's the flour for?"</p> + + <p>"That's all right. But it's got to be saved."</p> + + <p>"I don't understand, Sir [or 'M]. I can't see why it + shouldn't be used if we have it."</p> + + <p>"No. The idea is that every one should go without flour as + much as possible, and then there will be more and it will last + longer. More for other people."</p> + + <p>"My duty is to this house, Sir [or 'M]. But the flour's so + coarse and brown it's hardly worth using, anyhow. I never saw + such stuff. It's a scandal. But I'm truly sorry if I've + disappointed you. All I want to do is my duty."</p> + + <p>"You have, Mrs. Legion, you have. You've been splendid; but + the time has come now to eat less and to eat more simply. Is + that clear?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I hear you right enough, Sir [or 'M], but I can't say + I understand it. War or no war, I don't hold with folks being + starved."</p> + + <p>And there it breaks off, only, of course, to begin + again.</p> + + <p>That is Mrs. Legion!—one of the hardest nuts that Lord + <span class="sc">Devonport</span> has to crack. She doesn't + hold with Lords poking their noses into people's kitchens, + anyway. That's not her idea of how Lords ought to behave. Lords + not only ought to be gentlefolk, and be fed and waited upon and + live in affluent idleness, but super-gentlefolk. But then she + doesn't hold with many modern things. She doesn't (for one) + hold with the War.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/325.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/325.png" + alt="AIN'T YOU GOT THAT BIVVY BUILT YET?" /></a> + + <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. <span class="sc">"Ain't you got + that bivvy built yet, me lad? Gawd bless my soul, I could + ha' knitted it in half the time."</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page326" id="page326"></a>[pg + 326]</span> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">"Wanted A Husband."</h3> + + <p>You will easily guess that a comedy (or farce) in which a + woman is reduced to advertising in the Press for a husband + belongs to the ante-bellum era, before the glad eye of the + flapper became a permanent feature of the landscape. Indeed Mr. + <span class="sc">Cyril Harcourt's</span> play might belong to + just any year since the time when women first began to write + those purple tales of passion that are so bad for the morals of + the servants' hall. It was simply to get copy for this kind of + stuff that <i>Mabel Vere</i> (most improbably pretty in the + person of Miss <span class="sc">Gladys Cooper</span>) + advertised for a husband, for this post had already been + assigned to the dullest and stuffiest of <i>fiancés</i>. I dare + not think how the theme might have been treated in French + hands, but Mr. <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> is very firm + about the proprieties. My only fear was that the gallery might + mistake his rather second-rate people for gentlefolk. In what + kind of club, I wonder, do members reply to matrimonial + advertisements and make bets about the result of their + applications? I should be sorry to think that anybody + attributes such conduct to the <i>habitués</i> of the + Athenĉum.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/326.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/326.png" + alt="THE DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO." /></a> THE + DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO. + + <table summary="cast list"> + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Captain Corkoran</i></td> + + <td>. . . .</td> + + <td align="left" class="sc">Mr. Malcolm + Cherry.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Adams</i> (<i>a + butler</i>)</td> + + <td>. . . .</td> + + <td align="left" class="sc">Mr. Ernest + Hendrie.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left"><i>Mabel Vere</i></td> + + <td>. . . .</td> + + <td align="left" class="sc">Miss Gladys + Cooper.</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <p>The types that came to inspect <i>Mabel Vere</i> were + sufficiently varied. There was a masterful Colonial (finally + ejected by a lady-friend, who performed a jujitsu feat which + required a very palpable collusion on his part); a butler; an + Army Officer (with a reputation for exploring); a gay naval + thruster, and an old gentleman who ought to have known better. + To most of them she opposed an air of virgin superciliousness + very disappointing to their justifiable anticipations; but the + butler promised copy, and she accepted an invitation to tea in + his kitchen. This scene furnished some very excellent and + natural fun, and there was really no need to introduce, and + exploit over and over again, the hallowed device of a trip-mat, + that last resort of the bankrupt farceur. The necessary + complications ensued with the unexpected arrival of the master + (one of the candidates for the lady's hand, I need not say), + who makes sudden demand for an early dinner, a thing impossible + to execute with the cook in a fit of hysterics induced by + jealousy of the lady who had supplanted her in the butler's + perfidious affections.</p> + + <p>In the third Act we return to <i>Mabel's</i> flat and resume + her interviews with the applicants for her hand. This revival + of the situation of the First Act was a weakness in the + construction. The original <i>fiancé</i>—a wooden dummy + set up for the purpose of being knocked down—is + dismissed, and <i>Captain Corkoran</i>, the bold explorer, is + appointed to the vacancy. He deserved his luck; but, if I wish + him joy of it, I do so without a pang of envy, for she was much + too good at back-chat for a quiet life, to say nothing of her + taste in literature, which would want a deal of correction.</p> + + <p>Of course Miss <span class="sc">Gladys Cooper</span> made + her seem much more desirable than she really was. (I speak of + her personal charm and not of her agreeable costumes, which are + for the pens of more instructed reviewers. I got nothing out of + a lady near me, whom I recognised as a dramatic critic by a + question that her neighbour put to her. "Do you know this + frock," she asked, "or will you have to go behind?") Apart from + the delightful picture which Miss + <span class="sc">Cooper</span> always presents she has a most + swift and delicate feeling for the details of her craft. She + has the confidence that avoids over-emphasis, and she does her + audience the compliment of assuming that they have intelligence + enough to understand the least of those little nods of hers + that have the true eloquence of an under-statement. Mr. + <span class="sc">Malcolm Cherry</span> was at his best and + easiest as <i>Captain Corkoran</i>. Mr. + <span class="sc">Hendrie</span> handled the broad humour of the + butler with imperturbable restraint, and Miss + <span class="sc">Barbara Gott</span> was as fine and human a + cook as I ever wish to meet in her native lair. Miss + <span class="sc">Margaret Fraser</span>, a most attractive + figure, was a model for any housemaid on whose damask cheek the + concealment of an unrequited passion for her master feeds like + a worm i' th' bud. Altogether a really excellent cast.</p> + + <p>The humour of the dialogue was fresh and well sustained. + Here and there Mr. <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> permitted + himself allusive refinements which deserved a better response, + as when <i>Captain Corkoran</i>, discussing with <i>Mabel</i> + the menu of the dinner that she fails to cook for him, adapts + the language of <span class="sc">Solomon</span> and says, + "Fritter me apples, for I am sick of love." This was lost upon + an audience insufficiently familiar with the works of that + great voluptuary.</p> + + <p class="author">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TASTY DISHES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Food Specialist</i>.)</h4> + + <p>Mr. Punch considers it to be his duty at the present time to + show how an abundance of excellent and nourishing food may be + obtained from the most unlikely materials. In doing this he is + aware that he is merely following the example set him by + countless culinary experts, who have communicated their ideas + to the daily press; but Mr. Punch is not to be deterred from + doing a helpful action by any paltry jealousy as to precedence. + His readers, he knows, will be grateful to him for his + generosity.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">No. I.—For General Use.</h3> + + <p>Take two Committees—it is not absolutely necessary + that they should meet more than once—and, having added to + them a Chairman, stew on a slow fire until a Secretary emerges. + Turn into an enamelled saucepan and set to simmer over gas. + Then boil up twice into resolutions and votes of thanks, and + let the whole toast for at least three hours. Sprinkle with + amendments and add salt and pepper to taste. Then brown with a + salamander and serve up hot in egg-cups.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">No. II.—For a Householder in Streatham or + Camden Town.</h3> + + <p>To half a tennis-lawn add two ounces of croquet-mallet and + three arches of pergola, and reduce the whole to a fine + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327" id="page327"></a>[pg + 327]</span> powder. Drench with still lemonade and boil into a + thick paste. Add two hundredweight of dandelions and plantains + together with at least three pounds of garden-roller and five + yards of wire-netting carefully grilled. Let this be roasted + and basted for an hour and then flavoured with vantage. Turn + out into a mould, and serve overhand as fast as possible, + having first shred into the mixture half a ton of daisies or + buttercups, according to taste.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">No. III.—Beesting Jelly for + Apiarians.</h3> + + <p>Catch one thousand bees and extract their stings. Then throw + away the bees and lay the stings gently but firmly on a mash + composed of the breasts of five Buff Orpington cockerels. Sift + the whole through a fine cloth and add the yolks of a hundred + poached eggs. Beat up together for an hour and ten minutes. + Flavour with coffee and dilute with elderberry wine. Allow the + mixture to simmer in a hot oven and serve with fresh asparagus + cut before breakfast.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">No. IV.—Puntpole Pie for Riparian + Owners.</h3> + + <p>Chop into small pieces three or four puntpoles, having first + melted down the metal shoes, and spread thin over as many canoe + paddles as can be obtained for the purpose. Immerse the whole + suddenly in the river and dry before a quick fire. Add one + boat's rudder and twenty-four dab-chicks, and season with three + yards of grated swans' necks, six barbel, four dace and a dozen + gudgeon, close time for these fish being strictly observed. + Sprinkle with cowslips and willow leaves, insert in a pie-dish + and cover with a thick paste of bulrushes and marsh grass. Then + set to bake for three hours, and stick four pigeons' claws into + the crust. Picnic baskets from which the salt has been omitted + may be shredded over the surface instead of parsley.</p> + + <p>Mr. Punch has many more recipes equally cheap and excellent, + and is prepared to disclose them to those of his readers who + may desire to practise a rigid economy and at the same time to + enjoy an abundance of good food.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/327.png" + alt="IF I LETS THE BLIGHTERS GO THE CORPORAL'LL CUSS ME INTO 'EAPS. AN' IF I 'OLDS ON TO 'EM I'LL BREAK MY BLINKIN' NECK!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>with exercising party</i>). + <span class="sc">"If I lets the blighters go the + Corporal'll cuss me into 'eaps. an' If I 'olds on to 'em + I'll break my blinkin' neck!"</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <h4>The End of the Story.</h4> + + <p class="note">"Will the soldier who assisted the + Gentleman with a motor cycle and sidecar on the Downs on + Tuesday communicate with him at Greenbank + Cemetery."—<i>Bristol Evening News</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Harry Wilson, milkman, of Devonport, has + no connection of any kind with Woodrow Wilson, of United + States of America."<i>Auckland Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><span class="sc">Harry</span> is now sorry he wrote.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="note"> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The daily rations of the shirkers + are:—</p> + + <p class="i4">Bread . . . . . . . . . . . 9 oz.</p> + + <p class="i6">(uncooked, including bone)."</p> + + <p class="i24"><i>Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The conscientious objector doesn't seem to be having such a + soft time after all.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TYRTĈUS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Sparta's heroes, tired of truce,</p> + + <p class="i2">The fires of battle woke,</p> + + <p><span class="sc">Tyrtĉus</span> sang them golden + lays</p> + + <p>And bravely on their marching days</p> + + <p class="i2">His queenly Muse outspoke.</p> + + <p><span class="sc">Tyrtĉus</span>' name's come down + the years</p> + + <p class="i2">And did deserve to do,</p> + + <p>For so he dried men's eyes of tears,</p> + + <p>So loosed their hearts from idle fears,</p> + + <p>Stouter they thrust their ashen spears,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their javelins further threw.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In those fair days <span class="sc">Tyrtĉus</span>' + song</p> + + <p class="i2">Was all men had to trust,</p> + + <p>But while he hymned the coming fight</p> + + <p>They did not wail, "He can't be right,"</p> + + <p class="i2">They heard and cried, "He must!"</p> + + <p>When men of craven soul came in—</p> + + <p class="i2">Which now may Heaven forbid—</p> + + <p>Then stout <span class="sc">Tyrtĉus</span> would + begin:—</p> + + <p>"Mere argument can be no sin,</p> + + <p>But whining is; we're going to win."</p> + + <p class="i2">And so, of course, they did.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><span class="sc">Tyrtĉus</span>' heart has ceased to + beat,</p> + + <p class="i2">But still his measures run,</p> + + <p>And still abides the British Press,</p> + + <p>Which men must credit, more or less,</p> + + <p class="i2">To tell how things are done.</p> + + <p>So by all bards with hearts of fire</p> + + <p class="i2">Cheerfully be it sung,</p> + + <p>That still our people may not tire</p> + + <p>In doing well, but yet aspire;</p> + + <p>Let these renew <span class="sc">Tyrtĉus</span>' + lyre,</p> + + <p class="i2">Let others hold their tongue.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328" id="page328"></a>[pg + 328]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + + <p>A volume called <i>Curious Happenings</i> + <span class="sc">(Mills and Boon)</span> can boast at least a + highly attractive, open-and-see title; to which is added, in + the present instance, a wrapper-picture of the most intriguing + brand. Perhaps not quite all the contents of Miss + <span class="sc">Marjorie Bowen's</span> book of short stories + fully live up to the promise of its outside (what stories + could?), but they have amongst them one, from which both title + and picture are taken, of very unusual and haunting quality. + So, if you should only be able to snatch so much time from work + of National importance as suffices to read a single tale, begin + at the start, and be assured of having the best. Not that the + others are without their attractions, though one is rather + gratuitously revolting. Laid in the picturesque eighteenth + century, they all exhibit Miss <span class="sc">Bowen's</span> + very pretty gift for costume-drama at its happiest. The trouble + is that, with a volume of such short tales, stories of + situation, one gets too familiar with the method—as, for + example, in "The Folding Doors," where a lady's husband and + lover had played out their scene before the closed doors (with + an alleged cut finger for the husband), and I knew only too + well in what state the flinging open of the doors would reveal + the lady herself. But perhaps I am exceptionally cursed in this + matter; and, anyhow, a volume that contains even one story so + good as "The Pond" is a thing for gratitude and rejoicing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I may have been wrong in turning to a novel for mental + relief; anyhow, I have just come through one of the toughest + bouts of relaxation I can remember, and my only solace for the + slight weariness of such repose is the thought how much more + tired the author, Mr. <span class="sc">Basil Creighton</span>, + must be. With such a hail-storm of metaphor and epigram + constantly dissolving in impalpable mist of mere words has he + assaulted <i>The History of an Attraction</i> + (<span class="sc">Chatto and Windus</span>) that the poor + thing, atomised, vaporised and analysed to the bone, lies limp + and lifeless between the covers, with hardly a decent rag of + incident or story to cover it. And there one might perhaps be + content to let it rest, but for the fact that <i>Anita</i>, the + lady of the "Attraction," is worthy of a better fate. The + principal man of the book, who, after much wobbling + consideration, and in spite of his quite fortuitous marriage + with some one else in the meantime, discovers at last that he + does love <i>Anita</i>, is the merest peg on which to hang + endless philosophisings; and so is his impossible wife + <i>Janet</i> herself, the lady who, after having accepted his + dubious courtship for no particular reason, fortunately deserts + him without any better excuse, thus clearing the way for a most + decorous divorce and readjustment. Neither is the writer's + inner thesis—the immoralness of ordinary morality, so far + as I can make out—particularly agreeable; but + <i>Anita</i>, though far from being the sort of person one + would look to meet in real life, is intriguing after a fashion, + and just possibly repays the hard work needed for the making of + her acquaintance.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Miss <span class="sc">M.E.F. Irwin</span>, whose previous + books I remember to have greatly enjoyed, has produced for her + third a story of much originality and power, called <i>Out of + the House</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>). The title + may perplex you at first. It comes from the struggles of the + heroine to wrench herself free from encompassing family ties + and the tradition of intermarriage, in order to join her life + to the outside lover who calls to her. You might therefore + consider it, in some sense, a story of eugenics, but that its + outlook is emotional rather than scientific. Yet the + <i>Pomfrets</i>, as a result of family pride and + over-specialization, had become a sufficiently queer lot to + warrant a normal girl in any violence of house-breaking to be + free of them. Therein of course lies the cleverness of the + book; it is full of atmosphere, and the atmosphere is full of + dust, <i>Pomfret</i> dust. You can feel how heavy to rebellious + lungs must have been the air of the <i>Pomfret</i> houses, + where lived <i>Philip</i>, the intriguing father, and his sons + <i>Anthony</i> (a little mad) and <i>Charles</i> (much more + mad, but with at least the instincts of a lunatic gentleman). + It is not, you will guess, precisely a lively tale, but the + force of it is undeniable. Miss <span class="sc">Irwin</span> + has now more than ever proved herself a fastidious and careful + artist, with a touch of austerity that gives weight to a tale + so frankly one of sentiment, and she will, I hope, continue to + keep her work above the ordinary level.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Wane of Uxenden</i> (<span class="sc">Arnold</span>) + seems to be one of those novels which may be classed as worthy + in intention without being exactly happy in execution. Miss + <span class="sc">Legge</span> has a desire to warn us all + against the perils of monkeying with spiritism, and she has + chosen the method of making it tiresome even to read about. + Well, it is a method certainly. <i>Uxenden</i> was a nice old + family, which had come down to cutting its timber while a rich + Jewish soap-and-scent-manufacturer sat rubbing his hands on a + slice of the property, waiting for the rest of it to come his + way. <i>Uxenden</i> eventually waned entirely, and without + tears so far as I was concerned. I feel sure <i>Mr. La Haye</i> + (<i>né Levinstein</i>) would make a better landlord than the + old squire, in spite of the prejudices of the countryside.... + No, I am afraid it would be stretching a point to promise you + any great entertainment from this well-intentioned but rather + woolly book. <i>Brother Jenkins</i>, the fraud, of the Society + of Seven, is about the most entertaining of the + marionettes.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/328.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/328.png" + alt="BUT ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS CHAIR IS GENUINE CHARLES II.?" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Lady Customer</i>. <span class="sc">"But are you sure + that this chair is genuine Charles II.? It looks rather + new."</span></p> + + <p><i>Fake Antique Dealer</i> (<i>off his guard</i>). + <span class="sc">"I'm sorry, Madam, we have no <i>real</i> + antiques in stock. You see we can't get the + labour."</span></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <h4>Our Kindly Critics.</h4> + + <p class="note">"It is Mr. Wells's great advantage as a + preacher that he has a prose style instinct with life and + beauty. Somewhere he speaks of a cathedral as a 'Great, + still place, urgent with beauty'; somewhere else he says, + 'The necessary elements of religion can be written on a + postcard.'"—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Callisthenes" must look to his laurels.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Extract from the letter of a lady who helps in parish work + and is full of agricultural enthusiasm:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Next week I am going to start digging for + the vicar."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Assuming that the reverend gentleman was inadvertently + buried alive, we deprecate this delay.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, May 16, 1917., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15377-h.htm or 15377-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/7/15377/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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