initial commit of ebook 15377HEADmain

32 files changed, 6534 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/15377-8.txt b/15377-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7120171
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1951 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 16, 1917., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 16, 1917.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15377]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+May 16, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Several factories where counterfeit bread tickets were printed have
+been discovered in Berlin. We understand that the defence will be that
+the tickets were only intended to be exchanged for counterfeit bread.
+
+       ***
+
+"The enemies' desire," says KING LUDWIG of Bavaria, "will he dashed to
+pieces against our troops, who are accustomed to victory." A number
+of the victors who are now eating themselves in behind our positions
+profess to be absolutely nauseated with it.
+
+       ***
+
+Five million four hundred thousand pigs, says Herr BATOCKI, have
+"mysteriously disappeared" in Germany in the last year. The idea of
+having the CROWN PRINCE'S baggage searched does not seem to have been
+found feasible.
+
+       ***
+
+A festival performance of _Parsifal_ is to be given in Charlottenburg,
+to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Jutland. The proposal to
+substitute the more topical opera, _The Flying Deutschmann_, has been
+received without favour.
+
+       ***
+
+"With such troops," says the CROWN PRINCE, "we could fetch the Devil
+from Hell." We have always maintained that the German military route
+lay on a direct line to Potsdam.
+
+       ***
+
+A Manchester man writes to say that he has not heard the cuckoo this
+year. What England hears to-day Manchester may hear next month.
+
+       ***
+
+A Norfolk lady has left an annuity of seventy pounds for the support
+of her two favourite cats. Since the announcement of this windfall we
+understand that the beneficiaries have been overwhelmed with offers of
+marriage.
+
+       ***
+
+"The bascules of the Tower Bridge were lifted 3,354 times last year,"
+says a news item. Yet there are those who pretend that petty crime is
+on the decrease.
+
+       ***
+
+Arundel proposes to have a house-to-house collection of bones. The
+Borough Engineer is understood to be completing specifications for a
+dog-proof trouser which will be a part of the collector's uniform.
+
+       ***
+
+The Islington Borough Council report that in the Lady Day quarter only
+ten per cent, of the residents had removed without paying their rates.
+The inhabitants of the New Cut now accuse Islington residents of
+losing their nerve.
+
+       ***
+
+"Ipswich," says a daily paper, "is fighting a rat plague by putting
+a penny on the head of every rat captured in the borough." The
+arrangement with birds is of course different, You put salt on their
+tails and capture them afterwards.
+
+       ***
+
+The new restrictions on the use of starch will, says Captain BATHURST,
+affect the wearing of starched garments. It is expected that in
+the House of Lords Lord SPENSER and Lord HARCOURT will join in an
+impassioned plea that, until the shortage grows more acute, really
+well-dressed men should be allowed to compromise on stiff dickeys.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the surveyor receiving increased powers the work of
+conscientious objectors on the roads in East Essex has improved. Mr.
+OUTHWAITE, we hear, will ask in Parliament whether under these
+powers the surveyor has actually threatened to give one conscientious
+objector a good hard slap.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that Mexico has promised to stand by America on
+condition that if she takes this step on the side of law and order
+America will raise no objection to her having a revolution now and
+then just to keep her hand in.
+
+       ***
+
+Allotment-holders in all parts of the country say that their gardens
+need rain very badly, and _The Daily Mail_ is going to take the matter
+up.
+
+       ***
+
+It was stated by a defendant at Wandsworth County Court that his house
+was haunted, the bell being rung several times without any visible
+human instrumentality. The "Hidden Hand" again!
+
+       ***
+
+To enjoy good health, says Dr. A. FISHER in an American journal, we
+should occasionally sleep for twelve hours on end. We confess that
+we may be faddy in these things, but when sleeping we prefer the
+horizontal position.
+
+       ***
+
+"One hundred thousand tons of sugar is wasted each year," says
+Mrs. PEEL, "through being left in the bottom of the teacup." A
+correspondent points out that if that amount has ever been left in the
+bottom of his teacup it was an oversight.
+
+       ***
+
+The German people, says the _Kölnische Zeitung_, will not soon
+forget what they owe to their future Emperor. The CROWN PRINCE, while
+thanking them for their kindly intention, privately expressed a wish
+that they would not keep rubbing it in.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _The Express_, every British theatrical star who plays in
+America is regarded as the best that England has ever sent out. Until
+he has heard from Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, Sir HERBERT TREE is holding
+back his message, which reads, "That is so."
+
+       ***
+
+A workman at a brewery last week fell into a large vat of beer. It is
+given to few men thus to realise the dream of a lifetime.
+
+       ***
+
+All vendors of comic postcards at Llanfairfeehan, North Wales, are
+to be asked by the Town Council to cover them up on Sundays. We
+understand that comic postcards may be differentiated from others by
+the word "Comic" plainly printed on the card.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Daily Mail_ has just celebrated its twenty-first birthday, and
+the silence of the POET LAUREATE on the matter is being adversely
+commented upon.
+
+       ***
+
+The Anarchist, LENIN, says the Swedish _Dagblad_, has been missing for
+two days. Even before that he never really seemed to make a hit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRIBE.
+
+"WHO GOES THERE?" "K--KAMERAD--MIT SOUVENIRS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEREINAFTERS.
+
+I.
+
+There are people in the world called tenants. I think nothing of them;
+Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of
+them. However, as this is not so much a grammar as an explanation, I
+will get on with it.
+
+For the last two years we have been letting our flat. Naturally Celia
+has had to do most of the work; my military duties have prevented
+me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off and on,
+inspecting my fellow-soldiers' feet, seeing their boots mended and
+imploring them to get their hair cut that I have had no time for
+purely domestic matters. Celia has let the flat; I have merely
+allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, taken
+the money.
+
+Our tenants have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think
+much more of their own comfort as tenants than of our happiness as
+landlords. They are always wanting things done for them. When they
+want things done for them, then I am firm. Celia may be a shade the
+more businesslike of the two, but I am the firmer. I am adamant.
+
+Take the case of Mr. Toots. As the wife of an officer proceeding
+overseas, Celia let the flat to Mr. Toots at the nominal rental of
+practically nothing a week. I said it was too little when I heard
+of it, but it was then too late--Celia had already been referred to
+hereinafter as the landlord. When he had been established some
+weeks Mr. Toots wrote to say that he wanted seven different kinds of
+wine-glasses, six of each. Personally I wanted seven different kinds
+of Keating's Powder just then; tastes differ. The trouble with
+Mr. Toots was that for some reason he expected Celia to supply the
+glasses. Whether he only wanted them during his tenancy or meant
+to keep them afterwards, we never knew. In any case Celia was
+businesslike; she wrote regretting that she could not supply them.
+
+But I was firm. I sent a picture-postcard of the champagne country,
+which said quite simply, "You must not drink wine during the War. My
+husband's milk-glass is in the corner cupboard."
+
+Again, take the case of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle. After getting the flat
+practically presented to them for a small weekly bonus, they suggest
+that they should only pay half terms during the summer, as they wish
+to take the children to the seaside. Celia was for telegraphing to say
+that it was impossible. For myself I have just written the following
+letter:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--Could I consult my own feelings I would say, 'Pay
+    no rent at all during the summer. Further, why not sub-let the
+    flat to any of your own friends who can afford to give you
+    a few guineas a week for it? Nay more, let _me_ have the
+    privilege of paying your expenses at the Sunny South. What
+    do you say to the Métropole at Brighton?' But, alas, I cannot
+    speak thus; there are others to think of. The King of GREECE,
+    President WILSON, Marshal JOFFRE--I need say no more. You
+    understand. Things will have to go on as they are, except that
+    the rent will probably be doubled about July.
+
+              Yours admiringly."
+
+This letter is now waiting to go off. Celia says it is waiting for a
+stamp. Personally I don't see the necessity for a stamp.
+
+
+II.
+
+There are people in the world called owners. I think nothing of them;
+Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of
+them. However, as I said before, this is not a grammar.
+
+For the last two years we have been renting cottages. Naturally Celia
+has had to do most of the work; the cut and thrust of a soldier's life
+has prevented me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off
+and on, seeing that my fellow-soldiers have baths, getting them shaved
+and entreating them to send their socks to the wash that I have had no
+time for domestic trifles. Celia has taken the cottage; I have merely
+allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, paid
+the money.
+
+Our landlords have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think
+much more of their own comfort as landlords than of our happiness as
+tenants. They are always wanting things done for them. When they want
+things done for them, then I am firm. Indeed I am granite.
+
+Take the case of Mr. Perkins, who owns our present cottage. Celia
+borrowed the cottage from Mr. Perkins at a rental of several thousands
+a week. I said it was too much when I heard of it; but it was then too
+late--she had already been referred to hereinafter as the tenant. As
+soon as we got in we began to make it look more like a cottage; that
+is to say, we accidentally dropped the aspidistra out of the window,
+lost the chiffonier, removed most of the obstacles and entanglements
+from the drawing-room to the box-room, and replaced the lace curtains
+with chintzes. In the same spirit of altruism we improved the
+bedrooms. At the end of a week we had given Mr. Perkins a cottage of
+which any man might be proud.
+
+But there is no pleasing some people. A closer examination of the
+lease, in the hope that we had over-counted the noughts in the rental,
+revealed to us the following:--
+
+"At the expiration of the said tenancy, all furniture and effects will
+be delivered up by the tenant in the same rooms and positions in which
+they were found."
+
+Not a word of thanks, you notice, for the new avenues of beauty which
+we had opened out for him; no gratitude for the great revelation that
+art was not bounded by aspidistras nor comfort by chiffoniers; nothing
+but that old reactionary spirit to which, if I may speak of lesser
+things, the Russian Revolution was due. Like Mr. Perkins, the Bourbons
+learned nothing and forgot nothing.
+
+Naturally I wrote to Mr. Perkins:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--I regret to inform you that the aspidistra has
+    perished. It never took kindly to us and started wilting on
+    the second day. As regards other _objets d'art_ once in the
+    drawing-room, but now seeking the seclusion of the box-room,
+    we are in a little difficulty. Before letting it go my
+    wife took the bearing of the marble how-now from the bamboo
+    what-not and made it 28° 20', quite forgetting, unfortunately,
+    that the what-not had also decided to lie fallow for a season.
+    Consequently, while the direction of the what-not-how-now
+    line is definitely fixed, their actual positions remain
+    unestablished. Is it too much to hope that when the time comes
+    for them to seek again the purer air of the drawing-room they
+    will be able to rely upon the guidance of an old friend like
+    yourself rather than upon that of two comparative strangers?
+
+              Yours anxiously."
+
+
+III.
+
+Sometimes I wonder what Mr. Perkins would say if I suggested paying
+half-rent during the winter.
+
+Sometimes Celia wonders what she will say if she finds that Mrs.
+Winkle has re-arranged all her furniture for her.
+
+"We might," said Celia, looking at the two letters, "send the Perkins
+one to Mrs. Winkle and the Winkle one to Mr. Perkins."
+
+"Why?" I asked.
+
+"Just to show how broad-minded we are," said Celia.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY.
+
+Seen in a Birmingham shop window:
+
+"SECOND & FURNITURE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BAD DREAM.
+
+SPECTRE. "WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF ME, EAT LESS BREAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
+
+Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter with Jones
+minimus, he was so gloomy.
+
+He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven. Jimmy had to
+tell him not to say such wicked things, because sometimes when you
+wished things like that they came true, and then where would Jones
+minimus be?
+
+Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but it turned
+out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost or mislaid it,
+he told Jimmy.
+
+It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another shilling to
+make 15s. 6d., and then in five years they gave you one pound, and it
+was because of the compound interest someone invented.
+
+Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and asked if they
+had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing his pig. Jimmy says it
+wanders off for a walk nearly every day talking to itself and going
+into gardens and relishing things. It is a very good relisher, Jimmy
+says.
+
+Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home circles;
+but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its way.
+
+You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on its back.
+
+Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at sight next
+time.
+
+Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put butter on its
+feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus suddenly remembered.
+He had put the War Loan in his algebra book and left it in Jimmy's
+garden. Jimmy says it was a good thing they went back when they did,
+because when he got home he found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy
+suspecting a chimney-sweep of being a spy; he had done it to the
+chimney-sweep's trousers, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises with his
+brush at Faithful and working his black face at him.
+
+Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a prize
+bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on guard, and
+in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is it?"
+
+Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the chimney-sweep's
+face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy that he was travelling the
+country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy said that they had already had
+theirs swept, because a cat got in their dining-room and Jimmy had put
+in his bloodhound to tell it to go out.
+
+Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but couldn't
+find it, and they were just giving up in despair when they heard
+Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his kennel, and there
+it was.
+
+Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was busy
+solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War Loan.
+
+[Illustration: _Scandalised N.S. Volunteer_. "'INDENBURG's WATCHIN'
+YER!"]
+
+Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they took the
+algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him back again, as he
+said it was no good to him, and perhaps Faithful would find out how to
+catch another German spy, or else how to make up the War Loan to 15s.
+6d.
+
+Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way he
+tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones minimus's
+mouth water.
+
+Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just beginning
+to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there was the milkman's
+pig calmly standing in the garden next door, looking at him through
+the hedge and actually munching a piece of coal at him.
+
+Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like anything, and when
+the pig began flapping his ears at him old Faithful had to go right
+into the far corner of his kennel and nurse his wrath.
+
+Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in a very
+short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when Jones minimus
+and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out Faithful at him.
+Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and walked round the garden
+sampling things and inquiring into them.
+
+Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the pig saw
+him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought he was chasing
+the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing Faithful, and they did it
+in a ring on the lawn.
+
+Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves up, because
+the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and scratched his back at
+Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept smelling the ground like
+anything.
+
+Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some places,
+but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came out and accused
+it of being there.
+
+Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a lake it
+always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But the man hadn't
+got a lake, he had only got an ornamental fountain, and the pig had
+already scratched that over with its back. The pig seemed very uneasy
+about its back, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he would remove
+the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden in five minutes.
+
+Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he thinks it
+must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very much surprised at
+Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and get to bed.
+
+Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both squeezed
+through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the pig's ear, and then
+they both went down the road, Faithful leading by about a yard, and
+looking behind him with both eyes to make sure the pig was following
+him. Jimmy says his bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the
+pig stopped to smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in
+the gutter old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging
+slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly back and
+deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand, Jimmy says. There
+they stood in silent contest for about five seconds, each trying to
+bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand the strain no
+longer, and, breaking away with all its strength, actually rushed into
+the garden of the man who had promised to shoot it at sight next time.
+
+Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden until the
+man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off tulips and browsed
+on some early peas and was making a regular meatless day of it, and
+then the man came rushing out with his gun.
+
+Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down, because the man
+was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking about things and aiming
+his gun at the pig, and the pig kept running round and round and
+getting mixed up with Faithful. Then just as Jimmy was expecting the
+gun to go off the chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from
+the back part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and
+walked right into the middle of it all.
+
+Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made
+even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the
+chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his double-barrelled
+gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and there was the
+chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air, shouting "Kamerad!" as
+hard as he could.
+
+Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's bloodhound
+had actually made up the War Loan to 15s. 6d., and caught a German spy
+at the same time, with nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course
+Jimmy knew how old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what
+a really prize bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous
+equations, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Newcomer_ (_to veteran sanitary orderly_). "ARE YOU
+THE REG'LAR GARD'NER, OR JUST IN FOR THE DAY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Scheinboden, who is very well known as a partisan of the
+    'Mailed Fish.'"--_Manchester Evening News_.
+
+The very man for a submarine campaign.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The main goal for which our troops went was the Oppy switch
+    line, a hastily constructed main goal for which our troops
+    went was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed trench
+    system by which the Germans have extended their Hindenburg
+    line northwards."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been rather
+hastily constructed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL SERVICE;
+
+OR, THE SINGLE EYE.
+
+  Good Jones, who saw his duty plain,
+  Resolved he would not live in vain;
+  He bought some land and made a start,
+  He gave up literature and art,
+  He studied books on what to grow,
+  He studied Mr. PROTHERO;
+  He worked from early dawn till ten,
+  Then went to town like other men,
+  And in his office he would stand
+  Expatiating on the land.
+  Prom five again he worked till eight,
+  Although it made his dinner late;
+  He could not tear himself away,
+  He could not leave his native clay.
+  At last, his energy all spent,
+  He put his tools away and went,
+  Took off his suit of muddy tan,
+  Became a clean and cultured man,
+  And settled firmly down to dine.
+  On fish and fowl and meat and wine
+  And bread as much as he might need;
+  And while he dined he used to read
+  What PROTHERO had said last night,
+  And felt that he was doing right.
+  He didn't notice food was short;
+  He quite forgot Lord DEVONPORT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO CONSTABLES.
+
+It happened one evening when my wife was staying away with her mother,
+in the dark months of last winter, when we were without servants, and
+I was glad to have received an invitation from my neighbour Jones to
+dinner.
+
+He and his wife welcomed me warmly, and their rather unintelligent
+maid had just brought in the saddle of mutton--a great weakness of
+mine--when we heard a firm knock on the hall door. She returned to say
+that someone wanted to speak to Mr. Brown immediately. "Who is it?"
+I demanded. "I don't know, Sir," said the girl, "but he looks like a
+policeman."
+
+"I hope nothing has happened to your wife," said Mrs. J. anxiously.
+"Or her mother," added Jones rather cynically.
+
+The man at the door was certainly a policeman, and an elderly one, and
+had probably been recalled from pension when the War broke out.
+
+"Good evening, Sir," he said, staring hard at me. "Are you
+Mr. Brown"--I nodded--"of Myrtle Villa, next door"--he eyed me
+suspiciously--"No. 17?"
+
+"Yes, yes," I said impatiently; "what of it?"
+
+"I must ask you for your name and address, Sir," pulling out his
+note-book, "for showing a strong light at the back of the 'ouse at 8
+P.M."
+
+"That's all nonsense," I answered impatiently; "the house is empty."
+
+"Excuse me, Sir, I saw it myself from the road at the back and came
+straight round," said he with his notebook ready.
+
+"But it can't be," I said, getting annoyed.
+
+At this moment a Special came running down the path. "They're coming,"
+he panted.
+
+"Who are?" I asked. "No one's been invited but myself."
+
+"The engines."
+
+"But I haven't ordered any," said I.
+
+"I gave the alarm myself," he added proudly.
+
+Jones's rather unintelligent maid had been standing by my side the
+whole time. "Excuse me, Sir," she said, "I don't know, but I think
+there's something wrong with your 'ouse--the little room at the back,
+where you sit and smoke of an evenin'. There's been a big light there
+for some time--a wobbly one. I don't know, Sir, but I think the 'ouse
+is a-fire."
+
+"_What?_" I yelled, and dashed aside the two varieties of
+constabulary. Yes, it was all true. The strong light at the back of
+the house--a wobbly one--was rapidly becoming a glow in the heavens,
+as they say in journalese. I stood and looked at it, staggered for the
+moment, when I heard a cheer and saw the engines coming. I dashed
+for my front-door, but found myself forcibly dragged back. It was the
+Special, who seemed to be having the time of his life.
+
+"No one allowed to enter a burning building," said he importantly.
+
+"But I must," I cried; "there are some valuable papers----"
+
+"No one allowed to enter," he repeated firmly--he seemed to have
+learned it by heart--"except the firemen and police."
+
+"Well, you go in and get them then. I'll----"
+
+"Pass along, please," he said quite suddenly, as a new phase of his
+duties seemed to occur to him, and I found myself edged back towards
+the crowd.
+
+Now I had to have those papers, and an idea occurred to me, so I
+stopped. "I say, how about your dinner? You'll miss it altogether. I
+don't want to keep you. Perhaps if you hurry off at once----"
+
+"Dinner," he cried indignantly, gripping me fiercely by the arm--"what
+is dinner compared with duty? Do you know, man, I've been doing this
+bally Special business for over two years and never had a case yet,
+and now that I've got a real fire--and this is my own fire, mind you,
+my very own----"
+
+"I thought it was mine," I ventured.
+
+"You talk to me of dinner! Pass right along, please;" and I found
+myself back among the crowd, who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it.
+
+There was a small cheer just then as the flames came through the
+roof. Of Jones and his wife I saw nothing, but supposed they must have
+stayed on to enjoy their saddle of mutton, and wondered if they had
+kept mine hot for me. I could have kept it hot in my own house, I
+reflected rather miserably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The fire had been extinguished. As the crowd dispersed I felt a touch
+on my shoulder. It was the elderly constable, note-book in hand.
+"You are Mr. Brown, Sir, of Myrtle Villa?" he inquired patiently. "I
+haven't had your name and address yet, Sir, for showing an unguarded
+light at the rear of the premises at 8 P.M."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Plain Cook (good). Wanted for country house; six
+    kept."--_Devon and Exeter Gazette_.
+
+Too many; sure to spoil the broth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Irish Party cars are placarded with posters calling on
+    the electors to vote for 'Unity and Party,' and there are the
+    cryptic words, '1/8 Up. M'Kenna.'"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+But as the result of the election Mr. MCKENNA went to a slight
+discount.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHÂTEAU IN FRANCE.
+
+  Artists reared it in courtly ages;
+    WATTEAU and FRAGONARD limned its walls;
+  Powdered lackeys and negro pages
+    Served the great in its shining halls;
+  Minstrels played, in its salons, stately
+    Minuets for a jewelled king,
+  And radiant gallants bowed sedately
+    To lovely Pompadours curtseying.
+
+  Pigeons cooed in its dovecots shady;
+    Down in the rose-walk fountains played;
+  Many a lovelorn lord and lady
+    Here in the moonlight sighed and strayed;
+  Here was beauty and love and laughter,
+    Splendour and eminence bravely won;
+  But now two walls and a blackened rafter
+    Grimly tell the tale of the Hun.
+
+  My lady's chamber is dust and ashes;
+    The painted salons are charred with fire;
+  The dovecot pitted with shrapnel splashes,
+    The park a tangle of trench and wire;
+  Shell-holes yawn in the ferns and mosses;
+    Stripped and torn is the avenue;
+  Down in the rose-walk humble crosses
+    Grow where my lady's roses grew.
+
+  Yet in the haunted midnight hours,
+    When star-shells droop through the shattered trees,
+  Steal they back to their ancient bowers,
+    Beau Brocade and his Belle Marquise?
+  Greatly loving and greatly daring--
+    Fancy, perhaps, but the fancy grips,
+  _For a junior subaltern woke up swearing
+    That a gracious lady had kissed his lips._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+From a butcher's advertisement:--
+
+   "TOUGH & INDIFFERENT MEAT
+     IS DEAR AT ANY PRICE.
+             TRY
+        ------  & Sons
+  And prove it for yourselves."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A certain amount of discussion took place, and it was
+    acknowledged that the number of horses in training had been
+    exagggerated."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Nevertheless there is certainly one gee too many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Lokalanzeiger_ publishes an appeal for a new German National
+Anthem. We understand that the best composition that has been sent in
+up to the time of going to press begins as follows:--
+
+  Who is WILLIAM? What is he
+  That all our swine adore him?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: _The Plough Girl_. "NOW THEN, MABEL, NOT SO MUCH POSING
+OR YOU'LL HAVE THE HORSES BUMPING INTO THAT RAINBOW."]
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_regarding the mannequin_). "I DON'T THINK
+THAT DRESS WOULD REALLY SUIT ME. CHIN-CHIN DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT
+IT EITHER."]
+
+[Illustration: THE UNHAPPY DINER WHO HAS BEEN REFUSED A SECOND
+HELPING.]
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Martin Harvey_.--"IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER
+_HAMLET_ THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE."]
+
+[Illustration: THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION OF THE BRETON AND THE BISHOP.]
+
+[Illustration: _The Terrier_. "EXCUSE ME, GUV'NOR, BUT WHEN YOU'VE
+FINISHED READING THE DESPATCHES YOU MIGHT LOOK AND SEE IF THEY'RE
+GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT _US_."]
+
+[Illustration: _The Angel and the Veteran_ (_to conscientious
+objector_). "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID _YOU_ DO IN THE GREAT WAR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JOLLY BARGEMAN.
+
+  I've put the old mare's tail in plaits, now ain't she lookin' gay?
+  With ribbons in 'er mane as well--you'd think it First o' May;
+  For why? we're under Government, though it ain't just plain to me
+  If we're in the Civil Service or the Admiralitee.
+
+  An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," oh, we'll do the best we're able,
+  For we're servin' of our country an' we're 'elpin' 'er to win;
+  An' when the War is over then we'll all lie down in clover,
+  With a drink all together at the "Navigation Inn"!
+
+  I brought the news to Missis, an' to 'er these words did say,
+  "Just chuck yon old broom-'andle an' a two-three nails this way,
+  We're bound to 'ave a flagstaff for our old red-white-and-blue,
+  For since we're under Government we'll 'ave our ensign too."
+
+  The Navy is the Navy, an' it sails upon the sea;
+  The Army is the Army, an' on land it 'as to be;
+  There's the land an' there's the water, 'an the Cut comes in
+          between,
+  And I don't know what you'd call me if it ain't an 'Orse Marine.
+
+  The Missis sits upon the barge the same's she used to sit,
+  But they'll 'ave 'er in the papers now for doin' of her bit;
+  An' I walk upon the tow-path 'ere as proud as anything--
+  If I 'aven't got no uniform I'm serving of the KING.
+
+  An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," an' we'll do the best we're able,
+    For the country's been an' called us, an' we've got to 'elp to
+          win;
+  An' when the War is over, oh, we'll all lie down in clover,
+    With a drink all together at the "Navigation Inn."
+
+C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR MIXED ARMY.
+
+_First Recruit_. "'ERE--TELL OLD BALD-'EAD TO BUNG THE SALT OVER."
+
+_Second Recruit_. "ER--MIGHT I TROUBLE YOU FOR THE SALT, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPEN DOOR.
+
+Mr. Punch has thought that some of his hospitable readers might be
+glad to have the opportunity of giving the welcome of their houses,
+in however simple a way, to Australian soldiers on leave, who would
+greatly appreciate the chance of seeing something of English home
+life. An "Invitation Bureau" has been opened at the "Anzac" Buffet,
+94, Victoria Street, where offers of entertainment should be
+addressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Military Representative appealed against the exemption
+    of William Blake, aged 35, unmarried, a slaughterman in the
+    employment of Mr. George Rigg, pork butcher. The Military
+    Representative suggested that Mr. Rigg should slaughter
+    himself. Mr. Rigg stated that he could not slaughter
+    himself."--_Carlisle Journal_.
+
+Compare _The Mikado_:--
+
+_Koko_. "Besides, I don't see how a man could cut off his own head."
+
+_Pooh-Bah_. "A man might try."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIS LATEST.
+
+THE KAISER. "THIS IS SORRY WORK FOR A HOHENZOLLERN; STILL, NECESSITY
+KNOWS NO TRADITIONS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 7th_.--The Royal House has found an unexpected defender
+in Mr. OUTHWAITE. He alone has perceived the hidden danger underlying
+the recent proposal of the Lower House of Convocation to restore
+KING CHARLES I. to his old place in the Church Calendar. This, he
+considers, is a direct encouragement to the persons who seek the
+restoration of the Stuart dynasty, and would make Prince RUPPRECHT of
+Bavaria heir-apparent to the British Throne. The House was relieved
+to hear from Mr. BRACE that there was no immediate danger of this
+contingency. Indeed, Prince RUPPRECHT has had so much trouble already
+with his prospective subjects that he has probably no desire for their
+closer acquaintance.
+
+Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY is ordinarily a chirpy little person, quite
+able to take care of himself. But he was obviously depressed by his
+inability to furnish a plausible reason why two food-ships, having
+arrived safely in home ports, should have been sent away undischarged,
+with the result that they were torpedoed and their cargoes lost. The
+statement that he was "still inquiring" brought no comfort to the
+House of (Short) Commons. Why doesn't the SHIPPING CONTROLLER organise
+a Flying Squadron of dock-labourers?
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. BONAR LAW_ (_to Mr. MCKENNA_). "AS ONE CHANCELLOR
+OF THE EXCHEQUER TO ANOTHER, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SEVENTY
+MILLION POUNDS OUT?"]
+
+_Tuesday, May 8th_.--The official reticence regarding the names
+and exploits of our airmen was the subject of much complaint. Mr.
+MACPHERSON declared that it was quite in accordance with the wishes of
+the R.F.C. themselves. But Sir H. DALZIEL was still dissatisfied. He
+knew of a young lieutenant who had brought down forty enemy machines
+and been personally congratulated by the Commander-in-Chief, and yet
+his name was not published. It is obvious that praise even from
+Sir DOUGLAS HAIG is not the same thing as a paragraph in _Reynolds'
+Newspaper_.
+
+[Illustration: BEAU BRUMMEL BILLING GIVES THE "NO-STARCH" MOVEMENT A
+GOOD SEND-OFF.]
+
+A request for an increased boot-allowance to the Metropolitan Police
+met with a dubious reception from Mr. BRACE, who explained that
+it would involve an expenditure of many thousands of pounds. It is
+rumoured that the Home Office is considering the recruitment of a
+Bantam Force, with a view to reducing the acreage of leather required.
+
+_Wednesday, May 9th_.--If the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER should
+be accused of having taken advantage of his knowledge of the
+Budget-proposals to lay in a secret hoard of tobacco he will have no
+one to blame but himself. He solemnly assured the House that nothing
+has been brought to his notice to show that the trade is making undue
+profits. It is clear, therefore, that he has not had occasion to go
+into a tobacconist's and ask for his favourite mixture, only to find
+that his three-half-penny tax has sent the price up by twopence.
+
+By prohibiting the manufacture of starch the Government has done
+something to please Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING. The hon. Member, who has
+always affected the "soft shirts that Sister Susie sews," is flattered
+to think that he has set a fashion which must now become universal.
+When Captain BATHURST, falling into his humour, assured him that even
+BEAU BRUMMEL would accept the position with patriotic resignation,
+Mr. BILLING felt that he had found his true vocation as an arbiter of
+taste.
+
+In moving a Vote of Credit for the unexampled sum of five hundred
+millions, Mr. BONAR LAW apologised for a slight error in his Budget
+statement. He had then estimated the expenditure of the country at
+five and a half millions a day. Owing to fortuitous circumstances, the
+amount for the first thirty-five days of the financial year had turned
+out to be seven and a half millions a day. Mr. MCKENNA, conscious
+of some similar lapses in calculation during his own time at the
+Exchequer, handsomely condoned the mistake. Still one felt that
+it strengthened the stentorian plea for economy made by Mr. J.A.R.
+MARRIOTT in a maiden speech that would perhaps have been better if
+it had not been quite so good. The House is accustomed to a little
+hesitation in its novices and does not like to be lectured even by an
+Oxford don.
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRET SESSION.
+
+_WINSTON._ "NO REPORT OF SPEECHES. IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH WHILE."]
+
+The debate produced a number of speeches more suitable for the Secret
+Session that was to follow. Our enemies will surely be heartened when
+they read the criticisms passed by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT, an ex-Minister
+of the Crown, upon our Naval policy, and by Mr. DILLON on the Salonika
+Expedition; and they will not understand that the one is dominated
+by the belief that no Board of Admiralty that does not include Lord
+FISHER can possibly be efficient; and that the other is congenitally
+unable to believe anything good of British administration in Ireland
+or elsewhere.
+
+For once Mr. BONAR LAW took the gloves off to Mr. DILLON, and told him
+plainly that more attention would be paid to his criticism if he was
+himself doing something to help in the prosecution of the War.
+
+_Thursday, May 10th_.--I gather from Mr. SPEAKER'S report of the
+Secret Session that nothing sensational was revealed. The PRIME
+MINISTER'S "encouraging account of the methods adopted to meet the
+submarine attack" was not much more explicit, I infer, than the speech
+which Lord CURZON was making simultaneously, _urbi et orbi_, in the
+House of Lords, or Mr. ASQUITH would not have observed--again I quote
+the official report--that "hardly anything had been said which could
+not have been said openly."
+
+That none of the Nationalists should have addressed the House was
+perhaps less due to their constitutional reticence than to the
+depressing effect of the South Longford election, where their nominee
+was defeated by the Sinn Fein candidate--one MCGUINNESS, and evidently
+a stout fellow. But it is odd to find that the debate was conducted
+without the assistance of Messrs. BILLING, PRINGLE and HOGGE. Their
+eloquent silence was a protest, no doubt, against the eviction of the
+reporters. Mr. CHURCHILL was probably suffering equal anguish,
+but with patriotic self-sacrifice he refused to deprive his
+fellow-legislators of the privilege of hearing once again his views on
+the conduct of War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith_ (_to Mr. Smith, who has just been examined
+by Army Medical Board_). "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO YER?"
+
+_Mr. Smith_. "'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'VE GOT A STIGMA AN' A CONGENIAL
+SQUINT.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JILL-OF-ALL-TRADES AND MISTRESS OF MANY.
+
+    [_The Daily Chronicle_, writing on women farmers, quotes the
+    tribute of HUTTON, the historian, to a Derbyshire lady who
+    died at Matlock in 1854: "She undertakes any kind of manual
+    labour, as holding the plough, driving the team, thatching
+    the barn, using the flail; but her chief avocation is
+    breaking horses at a guinea per week. She is fond of Pope and
+    Shakespeare, is a self-taught and capable instrumentalist, and
+    supports the bass viol in Matlock Church."]
+
+  Though in the good old-fashioned days
+    The feminine factotum rarely
+  Was honoured with a crown of bays
+    When she had won it fairly;
+  She did emerge at times like one
+    For manual work a perfect glutton,
+  Blue-stocking half, half Amazon,
+    As chronicled by HUTTON.
+
+  But now you'll find her counterpart
+    In almost every English village--
+  A mistress of the arduous art
+    Of scientific tillage,
+  Who cheerfully resigns the quest
+    Of all that makes a woman charming,
+  And shows an even greater zest
+    For gardening and farming.
+
+  She used to petrify her dons;
+    She was a most efficient bowler;
+  But now she's baking barley scones
+    To help the FOOD CONTROLLER;
+  Good _Mrs. Beeton_ she devours,
+    And not the dialogues of PLATO,
+  And sets above the Cult of Flowers
+    The Cult of the Potato.
+
+  The studious maid whose classic brow
+    Was high with conscious pride of learning
+  Now grooms the pony, milks the cow,
+    And takes a hand at churning;
+  And one I know, whose music had
+    Done credit to her educators,
+  Has sold her well-beloved "Strad"
+    To purchase incubators!
+
+  The object of this humble lay
+    Is not to minimize the glory
+  Of women of an earlier day
+    Whose deeds are shrined in story;
+  'Tis only to extol the grit
+    Of clever girls--and none work harder--
+  Who daily do their toilsome "bit"
+    To stock the nation's larder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Overburdened Mother_. "GIT A MOVE ON, ALBERT--KEEPIN'
+THE 'OLE BLOOMIN' WORLD BACK--AN' A WAR ON, TOO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF OUR DIFFICULTIES.
+
+Under this title I refer to a lady whom I will call Mrs. Legion, for
+there are many of her all over the country, bless her conservative old
+heart. She has been in service as cook or cook-housekeeper most of her
+life (she is now getting on in years), and constant preoccupation
+with kitchen affairs has somewhat narrowed her outlook, so that the
+circumvention of the butcher, whose dominant idea (she believes) is to
+provide her with indifferent joints, is more to her than the defeat of
+HINDENBURG; and so far as she is concerned the main theatre of the
+War is neither Europe nor the Atlantic, but the coal merchant's yard,
+which disgorges its treasure so grudgingly. Not only is her first
+thought for her cooking, in order--the transition to her second
+thought is automatic--that her employer or employers may be
+comfortable; but it is her last thought too.
+
+With such singleness of purpose to crystallize her, she cannot
+absorb even the gravest of warnings; not from unwillingness or stupid
+obstinacy, but from sheer inability to grasp any novelty. That her
+beloved master and mistress--either or both--should not have the
+best of everything and plenty of it is, at this advanced stage in
+her career, unthinkable. Even though she read it in print she would
+disregard it, for her attitude to them papers is sceptical; even Lord
+NORTHCLIFFE, with all his many voices, dulcet or commanding, has wooed
+in vain.
+
+I imagine that the milkman, from whom she heard of the War and whom
+she thinks (for his class) a sagacious fellow, has warned her against
+the Press. Anyway she has refused--and will, I fancy, never relent--to
+allow any extreme idea of food shortage to disturb her routine.
+
+"Look here, Mrs. Legion," you say, "really, you know"--you don't like,
+or you have lost the power, to be too firm with her after all these
+years of friendliness--"really we mustn't have toast any more."
+
+"Not toast!"
+
+"No, not any more. In fact"--a light laugh here--"I'm going to do
+without bread altogether directly."
+
+"Do without bread!" This with much more alarmed surprise than if you
+had declared your intention of forswearing clothes.
+
+"Yes; the Government want us to eat less bread. In fact we must, you
+know; and toast is particularly wasteful, they say."
+
+"There's no waste in this house, Sir [or 'M]." This with a touch
+of acerbity, for Mrs. Legion is not without pride. "No one can ever
+accuse me of waste. I'm not vain, but that I will say."
+
+"No, no," you hasten to reply, "of course not; but things have reached
+such a point, you know, that even the strictest economy and care have
+got to be made more strict. That's all. And toast has to be stopped,
+I'm afraid."
+
+"Very well, Sir [or 'M], if you wish it. But I can't say that I
+understand what it all means."
+
+And that evening, which is meatless and is given up largely to
+asparagus (just beginning, thank God!), you certainly see no toast in
+the rack, but find that the tender green faggot reposes on a slab of
+it large enough to feed several children.
+
+Mrs. Legion may go to church, but her real religion is concerned far
+more with her employers' bodies than with her own soul; and among the
+cardinal tenets of her faith is the necessity for dinner to be hot.
+You may have a cold lunch, but everything at dinner must have been
+cooked especially for that meal, all circling about the joint, or a
+bird, like satellite suns.
+
+How to cleave such a rock of tradition? How to bring the old Tory into
+line with the new rules and yet not break her heart?
+
+"And, Mrs. Legion," you say, not too boldly, and at the end of
+some other remark, "we'll have yesterday's leg of mutton for dinner
+to-night, with a salad."
+
+"Cold mutton for dinner?" she replies dully.
+
+"Yes--now the weather's getting warmer it's much nicer. It will save
+coal too. Just the mutton and a salad. No potatoes."
+
+"No potatoes!" Surely the skies are falling, says her accent. You have
+been eating mashed potatoes, done with cream and a dash of beetroot in
+it, with cold meat, at lunch, for years.
+
+"No, no--we mustn't eat potatoes any more. Haven't you heard?"
+
+"I heard something about it, yes. But aren't we to eat those we've
+got?"
+
+"No, we must give them away. Remember, just cold mutton and salad.
+And no toast." You are getting more confidence. "Never toast any
+more"--another light laugh--"never any more!"
+
+And at dinner there are the cold mutton and salad all right; but to
+your horror you are asked first to eat a slice of salmon with two
+boiled potatoes.
+
+"Good heavens!" you say, "what's this?"
+
+"Well, Sir [or 'M], the fishmonger called, and as I felt sure the cold
+meat couldn't be enough for you...."
+
+Summoning all your courage you protest again, adding, "And another
+thing, Mrs. Legion; you mustn't make any more pastry. The flour can't
+be spared. It's not only bread we've got to be careful about, but
+everything made with flour."
+
+"Then what's the flour for?"
+
+"That's all right. But it's got to be saved."
+
+"I don't understand, Sir [or 'M]. I can't see why it shouldn't be used
+if we have it."
+
+"No. The idea is that every one should go without flour as much as
+possible, and then there will be more and it will last longer. More
+for other people."
+
+"My duty is to this house, Sir [or 'M]. But the flour's so coarse and
+brown it's hardly worth using, anyhow. I never saw such stuff. It's a
+scandal. But I'm truly sorry if I've disappointed you. All I want to
+do is my duty."
+
+"You have, Mrs. Legion, you have. You've been splendid; but the time
+has come now to eat less and to eat more simply. Is that clear?"
+
+"Well, I hear you right enough, Sir [or 'M], but I can't say I
+understand it. War or no war, I don't hold with folks being starved."
+
+And there it breaks off, only, of course, to begin again.
+
+That is Mrs. Legion!--one of the hardest nuts that Lord DEVONPORT has
+to crack. She doesn't hold with Lords poking their noses into people's
+kitchens, anyway. That's not her idea of how Lords ought to behave.
+Lords not only ought to be gentlefolk, and be fed and waited upon and
+live in affluent idleness, but super-gentlefolk. But then she doesn't
+hold with many modern things. She doesn't (for one) hold with the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant-Major_. "AIN'T YOU GOT THAT BIVVY BUILT YET,
+ME LAD? GAWD BLESS MY SOUL, I COULD HA' KNITTED IT IN HALF THE TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"WANTED A HUSBAND."
+
+You will easily guess that a comedy (or farce) in which a woman is
+reduced to advertising in the Press for a husband belongs to the
+ante-bellum era, before the glad eye of the flapper became a permanent
+feature of the landscape. Indeed Mr. CYRIL HARCOURT'S play might
+belong to just any year since the time when women first began to write
+those purple tales of passion that are so bad for the morals of the
+servants' hall. It was simply to get copy for this kind of stuff that
+_Mabel Vere_ (most improbably pretty in the person of Miss GLADYS
+COOPER) advertised for a husband, for this post had already been
+assigned to the dullest and stuffiest of _fiancés_. I dare not
+think how the theme might have been treated in French hands, but Mr.
+HARCOURT is very firm about the proprieties. My only fear was that the
+gallery might mistake his rather second-rate people for gentlefolk.
+In what kind of club, I wonder, do members reply to matrimonial
+advertisements and make bets about the result of their applications?
+I should be sorry to think that anybody attributes such conduct to the
+_habitués_ of the Athenćum.
+
+[Illustration: THE DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO.
+
+  _Captain Corkoran_ ......... MR. MALCOLM CHERRY.
+  _Adams_ (_a butler_) ....... MR. ERNEST HENDRIE.
+  _Mabel Vere_ ............... MISS GLADYS COOPER.]
+
+The types that came to inspect _Mabel Vere_ were sufficiently varied.
+There was a masterful Colonial (finally ejected by a lady-friend, who
+performed a jujitsu feat which required a very palpable collusion
+on his part); a butler; an Army Officer (with a reputation for
+exploring); a gay naval thruster, and an old gentleman who ought
+to have known better. To most of them she opposed an air of
+virgin superciliousness very disappointing to their justifiable
+anticipations; but the butler promised copy, and she accepted an
+invitation to tea in his kitchen. This scene furnished some very
+excellent and natural fun, and there was really no need to introduce,
+and exploit over and over again, the hallowed device of a trip-mat,
+that last resort of the bankrupt farceur. The necessary complications
+ensued with the unexpected arrival of the master (one of the
+candidates for the lady's hand, I need not say), who makes sudden
+demand for an early dinner, a thing impossible to execute with the
+cook in a fit of hysterics induced by jealousy of the lady who had
+supplanted her in the butler's perfidious affections.
+
+In the third Act we return to _Mabel's_ flat and resume her interviews
+with the applicants for her hand. This revival of the situation of the
+First Act was a weakness in the construction. The original _fiancé_--a
+wooden dummy set up for the purpose of being knocked down--is
+dismissed, and _Captain Corkoran_, the bold explorer, is appointed to
+the vacancy. He deserved his luck; but, if I wish him joy of it, I do
+so without a pang of envy, for she was much too good at back-chat for
+a quiet life, to say nothing of her taste in literature, which would
+want a deal of correction.
+
+Of course Miss GLADYS COOPER made her seem much more desirable
+than she really was. (I speak of her personal charm and not of
+her agreeable costumes, which are for the pens of more instructed
+reviewers. I got nothing out of a lady near me, whom I recognised as
+a dramatic critic by a question that her neighbour put to her. "Do you
+know this frock," she asked, "or will you have to go behind?") Apart
+from the delightful picture which Miss COOPER always presents she has
+a most swift and delicate feeling for the details of her craft.
+She has the confidence that avoids over-emphasis, and she does her
+audience the compliment of assuming that they have intelligence enough
+to understand the least of those little nods of hers that have the
+true eloquence of an under-statement. Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY was at his
+best and easiest as _Captain Corkoran_. Mr. HENDRIE handled the broad
+humour of the butler with imperturbable restraint, and Miss BARBARA
+GOTT was as fine and human a cook as I ever wish to meet in her native
+lair. Miss MARGARET FRASER, a most attractive figure, was a model for
+any housemaid on whose damask cheek the concealment of an unrequited
+passion for her master feeds like a worm i' th' bud. Altogether a
+really excellent cast.
+
+The humour of the dialogue was fresh and well sustained. Here and
+there Mr. HARCOURT permitted himself allusive refinements which
+deserved a better response, as when _Captain Corkoran_, discussing
+with _Mabel_ the menu of the dinner that she fails to cook for him,
+adapts the language of SOLOMON and says, "Fritter me apples, for I am
+sick of love." This was lost upon an audience insufficiently familiar
+with the works of that great voluptuary.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TASTY DISHES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Food Specialist_.)
+
+Mr. Punch considers it to be his duty at the present time to show how
+an abundance of excellent and nourishing food may be obtained from the
+most unlikely materials. In doing this he is aware that he is merely
+following the example set him by countless culinary experts, who have
+communicated their ideas to the daily press; but Mr. Punch is not to
+be deterred from doing a helpful action by any paltry jealousy as to
+precedence. His readers, he knows, will be grateful to him for his
+generosity.
+
+NO. I.--FOR GENERAL USE.
+
+Take two Committees--it is not absolutely necessary that they should
+meet more than once--and, having added to them a Chairman, stew on a
+slow fire until a Secretary emerges. Turn into an enamelled saucepan
+and set to simmer over gas. Then boil up twice into resolutions and
+votes of thanks, and let the whole toast for at least three hours.
+Sprinkle with amendments and add salt and pepper to taste. Then brown
+with a salamander and serve up hot in egg-cups.
+
+NO. II.--FOR A HOUSEHOLDER IN STREATHAM OR CAMDEN TOWN.
+
+To half a tennis-lawn add two ounces of croquet-mallet and three
+arches of pergola, and reduce the whole to a fine powder. Drench with
+still lemonade and boil into a thick paste. Add two hundredweight
+of dandelions and plantains together with at least three pounds of
+garden-roller and five yards of wire-netting carefully grilled.
+Let this be roasted and basted for an hour and then flavoured
+with vantage. Turn out into a mould, and serve overhand as fast as
+possible, having first shred into the mixture half a ton of daisies or
+buttercups, according to taste.
+
+NO. III.--BEESTING JELLY FOR APIARIANS.
+
+Catch one thousand bees and extract their stings. Then throw away the
+bees and lay the stings gently but firmly on a mash composed of the
+breasts of five Buff Orpington cockerels. Sift the whole through
+a fine cloth and add the yolks of a hundred poached eggs. Beat up
+together for an hour and ten minutes. Flavour with coffee and dilute
+with elderberry wine. Allow the mixture to simmer in a hot oven and
+serve with fresh asparagus cut before breakfast.
+
+
+NO. IV.--PUNTPOLE PIE FOR RIPARIAN OWNERS.
+
+Chop into small pieces three or four puntpoles, having first melted
+down the metal shoes, and spread thin over as many canoe paddles as
+can be obtained for the purpose. Immerse the whole suddenly in
+the river and dry before a quick fire. Add one boat's rudder and
+twenty-four dab-chicks, and season with three yards of grated swans'
+necks, six barbel, four dace and a dozen gudgeon, close time for
+these fish being strictly observed. Sprinkle with cowslips and willow
+leaves, insert in a pie-dish and cover with a thick paste of bulrushes
+and marsh grass. Then set to bake for three hours, and stick four
+pigeons' claws into the crust. Picnic baskets from which the salt has
+been omitted may be shredded over the surface instead of parsley.
+
+Mr. Punch has many more recipes equally cheap and excellent, and is
+prepared to disclose them to those of his readers who may desire to
+practise a rigid economy and at the same time to enjoy an abundance of
+good food.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Recruit_ (_with exercising party_). "IF I LETS THE
+BLIGHTERS GO THE CORPORAL'LL CUSS ME INTO 'EAPS. AN' IF I 'OLDS ON TO
+'EM I'LL BREAK MY BLINKIN' NECK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE END OF THE STORY.
+
+    "Will the soldier who assisted the Gentleman with a motor
+    cycle and sidecar on the Downs on Tuesday communicate with him
+    at Greenbank Cemetery."--_Bristol Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Harry Wilson, milkman, of Devonport, has no connection of
+    any kind with Woodrow Wilson, of United States of
+    America."_Auckland Paper_.
+
+HARRY is now sorry he wrote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "The daily rations of the shirkers are:--
+      Bread . . . . . . . . . . . 9 oz.
+        (uncooked, including bone)."
+                                _Daily Mail_.
+
+The conscientious objector doesn't seem to be having such a soft time
+after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TYRTĆUS.
+
+  When Sparta's heroes, tired of truce,
+    The fires of battle woke,
+  TYRTĆUS sang them golden lays
+  And bravely on their marching days
+    His queenly Muse outspoke.
+  TYRTĆUS' name's come down the years
+    And did deserve to do,
+  For so he dried men's eyes of tears,
+  So loosed their hearts from idle fears,
+  Stouter they thrust their ashen spears,
+    Their javelins further threw.
+
+  In those fair days TYRTĆUS' song
+    Was all men had to trust,
+  But while he hymned the coming fight
+  They did not wail, "He can't be right,"
+    They heard and cried, "He must!"
+  When men of craven soul came in--
+    Which now may Heaven forbid--
+  Then stout TYRTĆUS would begin:--
+  "Mere argument can be no sin,
+  But whining is; we're going to win."
+    And so, of course, they did.
+
+  TYRTĆUS' heart has ceased to beat,
+    But still his measures run,
+  And still abides the British Press,
+  Which men must credit, more or less,
+    To tell how things are done.
+  So by all bards with hearts of fire
+    Cheerfully be it sung,
+  That still our people may not tire
+  In doing well, but yet aspire;
+  Let these renew TYRTĆUS' lyre,
+    Let others hold their tongue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)
+
+A volume called _Curious Happenings_ (MILLS AND BOON) can boast at
+least a highly attractive, open-and-see title; to which is added, in
+the present instance, a wrapper-picture of the most intriguing brand.
+Perhaps not quite all the contents of Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S book
+of short stories fully live up to the promise of its outside (what
+stories could?), but they have amongst them one, from which both title
+and picture are taken, of very unusual and haunting quality. So, if
+you should only be able to snatch so much time from work of National
+importance as suffices to read a single tale, begin at the start, and
+be assured of having the best. Not that the others are without their
+attractions, though one is rather gratuitously revolting. Laid in the
+picturesque eighteenth century, they all exhibit Miss BOWEN'S very
+pretty gift for costume-drama at its happiest. The trouble is that,
+with a volume of such short tales, stories of situation, one gets too
+familiar with the method--as, for example, in "The Folding Doors,"
+where a lady's husband and lover had played out their scene before the
+closed doors (with an alleged cut finger for the husband), and I
+knew only too well in what state the flinging open of the doors would
+reveal the lady herself. But perhaps I am exceptionally cursed in this
+matter; and, anyhow, a volume that contains even one story so good as
+"The Pond" is a thing for gratitude and rejoicing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I may have been wrong in turning to a novel for mental relief; anyhow,
+I have just come through one of the toughest bouts of relaxation I can
+remember, and my only solace for the slight weariness of such repose
+is the thought how much more tired the author, Mr. BASIL CREIGHTON,
+must be. With such a hail-storm of metaphor and epigram constantly
+dissolving in impalpable mist of mere words has he assaulted _The
+History of an Attraction_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) that the poor thing,
+atomised, vaporised and analysed to the bone, lies limp and lifeless
+between the covers, with hardly a decent rag of incident or story to
+cover it. And there one might perhaps be content to let it rest, but
+for the fact that _Anita_, the lady of the "Attraction," is worthy of
+a better fate. The principal man of the book, who, after much wobbling
+consideration, and in spite of his quite fortuitous marriage with some
+one else in the meantime, discovers at last that he does love _Anita_,
+is the merest peg on which to hang endless philosophisings; and so
+is his impossible wife _Janet_ herself, the lady who, after having
+accepted his dubious courtship for no particular reason, fortunately
+deserts him without any better excuse, thus clearing the way for a
+most decorous divorce and readjustment. Neither is the writer's inner
+thesis--the immoralness of ordinary morality, so far as I can make
+out--particularly agreeable; but _Anita_, though far from being the
+sort of person one would look to meet in real life, is intriguing
+after a fashion, and just possibly repays the hard work needed for the
+making of her acquaintance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss M.E.F. IRWIN, whose previous books I remember to have greatly
+enjoyed, has produced for her third a story of much originality and
+power, called _Out of the House_ (CONSTABLE). The title may perplex
+you at first. It comes from the struggles of the heroine to wrench
+herself free from encompassing family ties and the tradition of
+intermarriage, in order to join her life to the outside lover who
+calls to her. You might therefore consider it, in some sense, a story
+of eugenics, but that its outlook is emotional rather than
+scientific. Yet the _Pomfrets_, as a result of family pride and
+over-specialization, had become a sufficiently queer lot to warrant
+a normal girl in any violence of house-breaking to be free of them.
+Therein of course lies the cleverness of the book; it is full of
+atmosphere, and the atmosphere is full of dust, _Pomfret_ dust. You
+can feel how heavy to rebellious lungs must have been the air of the
+_Pomfret_ houses, where lived _Philip_, the intriguing father, and his
+sons _Anthony_ (a little mad) and _Charles_ (much more mad, but with
+at least the instincts of a lunatic gentleman). It is not, you will
+guess, precisely a lively tale, but the force of it is undeniable.
+Miss IRWIN has now more than ever proved herself a fastidious and
+careful artist, with a touch of austerity that gives weight to a tale
+so frankly one of sentiment, and she will, I hope, continue to keep
+her work above the ordinary level.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Wane of Uxenden_ (ARNOLD) seems to be one of those novels which
+may be classed as worthy in intention without being exactly happy in
+execution. Miss LEGGE has a desire to warn us all against the perils
+of monkeying with spiritism, and she has chosen the method of making
+it tiresome even to read about. Well, it is a method certainly.
+_Uxenden_ was a nice old family, which had come down to cutting its
+timber while a rich Jewish soap-and-scent-manufacturer sat rubbing his
+hands on a slice of the property, waiting for the rest of it to come
+his way. _Uxenden_ eventually waned entirely, and without tears so far
+as I was concerned. I feel sure _Mr. La Haye_ (_né Levinstein_) would
+make a better landlord than the old squire, in spite of the prejudices
+of the countryside.... No, I am afraid it would be stretching a point
+to promise you any great entertainment from this well-intentioned but
+rather woolly book. _Brother Jenkins_, the fraud, of the Society of
+Seven, is about the most entertaining of the marionettes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady Customer_. "BUT ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS CHAIR IS
+GENUINE CHARLES II.? IT LOOKS RATHER NEW."
+
+_Fake Antique Dealer_ (_off his guard_). "I'M SORRY, MADAM, WE HAVE NO
+_REAL_ ANTIQUES IN STOCK. YOU SEE WE CAN'T GET THE LABOUR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    OUR KINDLY CRITICS.
+
+    "It is Mr. Wells's great advantage as a preacher that he has a
+    prose style instinct with life and beauty. Somewhere he speaks
+    of a cathedral as a 'Great, still place, urgent with beauty';
+    somewhere else he says, 'The necessary elements of religion
+    can be written on a postcard.'"--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+"Callisthenes" must look to his laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from the letter of a lady who helps in parish work and is full
+of agricultural enthusiasm:--
+
+    "Next week I am going to start digging for the vicar."
+
+Assuming that the reverend gentleman was inadvertently buried alive,
+we deprecate this delay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 16, 1917., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15377-8.txt or 15377-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/7/15377/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+
diff --git a/15377-8.zip b/15377-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6f38aef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-8.zip
diff --git a/15377-h.zip b/15377-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..999acb7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h.zip
diff --git a/15377-h/15377-h.htm b/15377-h/15377-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..054259e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/15377-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2616 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+    content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch, May 16, 1917.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    p                    {text-align: justify;}
+    blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+    pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+    .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+    hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+    html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+    hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+    html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+    hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+    html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+    .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+    .poem
+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+    .poem p.i24          {margin-left: 12em;}
+    .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+
+    .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+    .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+    .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+    .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+    .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+    .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.9em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+    .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                         {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+    .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+    .figright            {float: right;}
+    .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+    .inline              {border: none; vertical-align: middle;}
+
+    p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;}
+    p.ctr    {text-align: center;}
+    sc       {font-variant: small-caps;}
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 16, 1917., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 16, 1917.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15377]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>May 16, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page313" id="page313"></a>[pg
+    313]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>Several factories where counterfeit bread tickets were
+    printed have been discovered in Berlin. We understand that the
+    defence will be that the tickets were only intended to be
+    exchanged for counterfeit bread.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The enemies' desire," says <span class="sc">King
+    Ludwig</span> of Bavaria, "will he dashed to pieces against our
+    troops, who are accustomed to victory." A number of the victors
+    who are now eating themselves in behind our positions profess
+    to be absolutely nauseated with it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Five million four hundred thousand pigs, says Herr
+    <span class="sc">Batocki</span>, have "mysteriously
+    disappeared" in Germany in the last year. The idea of having
+    the <span class="sc">Crown Prince's</span> baggage searched
+    does not seem to have been found feasible.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A festival performance of <i>Parsifal</i> is to be given in
+    Charlottenburg, to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of
+    Jutland. The proposal to substitute the more topical opera,
+    <i>The Flying Deutschmann</i>, has been received without
+    favour.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"With such troops," says the <span class="sc">Crown
+    Prince</span>, "we could fetch the Devil from Hell." We have
+    always maintained that the German military route lay on a
+    direct line to Potsdam.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Manchester man writes to say that he has not heard the
+    cuckoo this year. What England hears to-day Manchester may hear
+    next month.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Norfolk lady has left an annuity of seventy pounds for the
+    support of her two favourite cats. Since the announcement of
+    this windfall we understand that the beneficiaries have been
+    overwhelmed with offers of marriage.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The bascules of the Tower Bridge were lifted 3,354 times
+    last year," says a news item. Yet there are those who pretend
+    that petty crime is on the decrease.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Arundel proposes to have a house-to-house collection of
+    bones. The Borough Engineer is understood to be completing
+    specifications for a dog-proof trouser which will be a part of
+    the collector's uniform.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Islington Borough Council report that in the Lady Day
+    quarter only ten per cent, of the residents had removed without
+    paying their rates. The inhabitants of the New Cut now accuse
+    Islington residents of losing their nerve.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Ipswich," says a daily paper, "is fighting a rat plague by
+    putting a penny on the head of every rat captured in the
+    borough." The arrangement with birds is of course different,
+    You put salt on their tails and capture them afterwards.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The new restrictions on the use of starch will, says Captain
+    <span class="sc">Bathurst</span>, affect the wearing of
+    starched garments. It is expected that in the House of Lords
+    Lord <span class="sc">Spenser</span> and Lord
+    <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> will join in an impassioned
+    plea that, until the shortage grows more acute, really
+    well-dressed men should be allowed to compromise on stiff
+    dickeys.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Owing to the surveyor receiving increased powers the work of
+    conscientious objectors on the roads in East Essex has
+    improved. Mr. <span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>, we hear, will
+    ask in Parliament whether under these powers the surveyor has
+    actually threatened to give one conscientious objector a good
+    hard slap.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We understand that Mexico has promised to stand by America
+    on condition that if she takes this step on the side of law and
+    order America will raise no objection to her having a
+    revolution now and then just to keep her hand in.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Allotment-holders in all parts of the country say that their
+    gardens need rain very badly, and <i>The Daily Mail</i> is
+    going to take the matter up.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It was stated by a defendant at Wandsworth County Court that
+    his house was haunted, the bell being rung several times
+    without any visible human instrumentality. The "Hidden Hand"
+    again!</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>To enjoy good health, says Dr. <span class="sc">A.
+    Fisher</span> in an American journal, we should occasionally
+    sleep for twelve hours on end. We confess that we may be faddy
+    in these things, but when sleeping we prefer the horizontal
+    position.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"One hundred thousand tons of sugar is wasted each year,"
+    says Mrs. <span class="sc">Peel</span>, "through being left in
+    the bottom of the teacup." A correspondent points out that if
+    that amount has ever been left in the bottom of his teacup it
+    was an oversight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German people, says the <i>Kölnische Zeitung</i>, will
+    not soon forget what they owe to their future Emperor. The
+    <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span>, while thanking them for
+    their kindly intention, privately expressed a wish that they
+    would not keep rubbing it in.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>According to <i>The Express</i>, every British theatrical
+    star who plays in America is regarded as the best that England
+    has ever sent out. Until he has heard from Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Charles Chaplin</span>, Sir
+    <span class="sc">Herbert Tree</span> is holding back his
+    message, which reads, "That is so."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A workman at a brewery last week fell into a large vat of
+    beer. It is given to few men thus to realise the dream of a
+    lifetime.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>All vendors of comic postcards at Llanfairfeehan, North
+    Wales, are to be asked by the Town Council to cover them up on
+    Sundays. We understand that comic postcards may be
+    differentiated from others by the word "Comic" plainly printed
+    on the card.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Daily Mail</i> has just celebrated its twenty-first
+    birthday, and the silence of the <span class="sc">Poet
+    Laureate</span> on the matter is being adversely commented
+    upon.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Anarchist, <span class="sc">Lenin</span>, says the
+    Swedish <i>Dagblad</i>, has been missing for two days. Even
+    before that he never really seemed to make a hit.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/313.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/313.png" alt="THE BRIBE." /></a>
+
+        <h4>THE BRIBE.</h4>
+
+        <p class="sc">"Who goes there?" &nbsp;
+        "K&mdash;kamerad&mdash;mit souvenirs."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page314" id="page314"></a>[pg
+    314]</span>
+
+    <h2>HEREINAFTERS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>I.</h3>
+
+    <p>There are people in the world called tenants. I think
+    nothing of them; Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do
+    not think anything of them. However, as this is not so much a
+    grammar as an explanation, I will get on with it.</p>
+
+    <p>For the last two years we have been letting our flat.
+    Naturally Celia has had to do most of the work; my military
+    duties have prevented me from taking my share of it. I have
+    been so busy, off and on, inspecting my fellow-soldiers' feet,
+    seeing their boots mended and imploring them to get their hair
+    cut that I have had no time for purely domestic matters. Celia
+    has let the flat; I have merely allotted the praise or blame
+    afterwards. I have also, of course, taken the money.</p>
+
+    <p>Our tenants have varied, but they are all alike in this.
+    They think much more of their own comfort as tenants than of
+    our happiness as landlords. They are always wanting things done
+    for them. When they want things done for them, then I am firm.
+    Celia may be a shade the more businesslike of the two, but I am
+    the firmer. I am adamant.</p>
+
+    <p>Take the case of Mr. Toots. As the wife of an officer
+    proceeding overseas, Celia let the flat to Mr. Toots at the
+    nominal rental of practically nothing a week. I said it was too
+    little when I heard of it, but it was then too late&mdash;Celia
+    had already been referred to hereinafter as the landlord. When
+    he had been established some weeks Mr. Toots wrote to say that
+    he wanted seven different kinds of wine-glasses, six of each.
+    Personally I wanted seven different kinds of Keating's Powder
+    just then; tastes differ. The trouble with Mr. Toots was that
+    for some reason he expected Celia to supply the glasses.
+    Whether he only wanted them during his tenancy or meant to keep
+    them afterwards, we never knew. In any case Celia was
+    businesslike; she wrote regretting that she could not supply
+    them.</p>
+
+    <p>But I was firm. I sent a picture-postcard of the champagne
+    country, which said quite simply, "You must not drink wine
+    during the War. My husband's milk-glass is in the corner
+    cupboard."</p>
+
+    <p>Again, take the case of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle. After getting
+    the flat practically presented to them for a small weekly
+    bonus, they suggest that they should only pay half terms during
+    the summer, as they wish to take the children to the seaside.
+    Celia was for telegraphing to say that it was impossible. For
+    myself I have just written the following letter:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;Could I consult
+        my own feelings I would say, 'Pay no rent at all during the
+        summer. Further, why not sub-let the flat to any of your
+        own friends who can afford to give you a few guineas a week
+        for it? Nay more, let <i>me</i> have the privilege of
+        paying your expenses at the Sunny South. What do you say to
+        the Métropole at Brighton?' But, alas, I cannot speak thus;
+        there are others to think of. The King of
+        <span class="sc">Greece</span>, President
+        <span class="sc">Wilson</span>, Marshal
+        <span class="sc">Joffre</span>&mdash;I need say no more.
+        You understand. Things will have to go on as they are,
+        except that the rent will probably be doubled about
+        July.</p>
+
+        <p class="ctr">Yours admiringly."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This letter is now waiting to go off. Celia says it is
+    waiting for a stamp. Personally I don't see the necessity for a
+    stamp.</p>
+
+    <h3>II.</h3>
+
+    <p>There are people in the world called owners. I think nothing
+    of them; Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think
+    anything of them. However, as I said before, this is not a
+    grammar.</p>
+
+    <p>For the last two years we have been renting cottages.
+    Naturally Celia has had to do most of the work; the cut and
+    thrust of a soldier's life has prevented me from taking my
+    share of it. I have been so busy, off and on, seeing that my
+    fellow-soldiers have baths, getting them shaved and entreating
+    them to send their socks to the wash that I have had no time
+    for domestic trifles. Celia has taken the cottage; I have
+    merely allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of
+    course, paid the money.</p>
+
+    <p>Our landlords have varied, but they are all alike in this.
+    They think much more of their own comfort as landlords than of
+    our happiness as tenants. They are always wanting things done
+    for them. When they want things done for them, then I am firm.
+    Indeed I am granite.</p>
+
+    <p>Take the case of Mr. Perkins, who owns our present cottage.
+    Celia borrowed the cottage from Mr. Perkins at a rental of
+    several thousands a week. I said it was too much when I heard
+    of it; but it was then too late&mdash;she had already been
+    referred to hereinafter as the tenant. As soon as we got in we
+    began to make it look more like a cottage; that is to say, we
+    accidentally dropped the aspidistra out of the window, lost the
+    chiffonier, removed most of the obstacles and entanglements
+    from the drawing-room to the box-room, and replaced the lace
+    curtains with chintzes. In the same spirit of altruism we
+    improved the bedrooms. At the end of a week we had given Mr.
+    Perkins a cottage of which any man might be proud.</p>
+
+    <p>But there is no pleasing some people. A closer examination
+    of the lease, in the hope that we had over-counted the noughts
+    in the rental, revealed to us the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"At the expiration of the said tenancy, all furniture and
+    effects will be delivered up by the tenant in the same rooms
+    and positions in which they were found."</p>
+
+    <p>Not a word of thanks, you notice, for the new avenues of
+    beauty which we had opened out for him; no gratitude for the
+    great revelation that art was not bounded by aspidistras nor
+    comfort by chiffoniers; nothing but that old reactionary spirit
+    to which, if I may speak of lesser things, the Russian
+    Revolution was due. Like Mr. Perkins, the Bourbons learned
+    nothing and forgot nothing.</p>
+
+    <p>Naturally I wrote to Mr. Perkins:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"<span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;I regret to
+        inform you that the aspidistra has perished. It never took
+        kindly to us and started wilting on the second day. As
+        regards other <i>objets d'art</i> once in the drawing-room,
+        but now seeking the seclusion of the box-room, we are in a
+        little difficulty. Before letting it go my wife took the
+        bearing of the marble how-now from the bamboo what-not and
+        made it 28° 20', quite forgetting, unfortunately, that the
+        what-not had also decided to lie fallow for a season.
+        Consequently, while the direction of the what-not-how-now
+        line is definitely fixed, their actual positions remain
+        unestablished. Is it too much to hope that when the time
+        comes for them to seek again the purer air of the
+        drawing-room they will be able to rely upon the guidance of
+        an old friend like yourself rather than upon that of two
+        comparative strangers?</p>
+
+        <p class="ctr">Yours anxiously."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h3>III.</h3>
+
+    <p>Sometimes I wonder what Mr. Perkins would say if I suggested
+    paying half-rent during the winter.</p>
+
+    <p>Sometimes Celia wonders what she will say if she finds that
+    Mrs. Winkle has re-arranged all her furniture for her.</p>
+
+    <p>"We might," said Celia, looking at the two letters, "send
+    the Perkins one to Mrs. Winkle and the Winkle one to Mr.
+    Perkins."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why?" I asked.</p>
+
+    <p>"Just to show how broad-minded we are," said Celia.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">A.A.M.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Economy.</h4>
+
+    <p class="ctr">Seen in a Birmingham shop window:</p>
+
+    <p class="ctr">"SECOND &amp; FURNITURE."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page315" id="page315"></a>[pg
+    315]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/315.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/315.png" alt="A BAD DREAM." /></a>
+
+        <h3>A BAD DREAM.</h3><span class="sc">Spectre.</span>
+        "WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF ME, EAT LESS BREAD."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page316" id="page316"></a>[pg
+    316]</span>
+
+    <h2>ON THE SPY-TRAIL.</h2>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter
+    with Jones minimus, he was so gloomy.</p>
+
+    <p>He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven.
+    Jimmy had to tell him not to say such wicked things, because
+    sometimes when you wished things like that they came true, and
+    then where would Jones minimus be?</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but
+    it turned out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost
+    or mislaid it, he told Jimmy.</p>
+
+    <p>It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another
+    shilling to make 15<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>, and then in five years
+    they gave you one pound, and it was because of the compound
+    interest someone invented.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and
+    asked if they had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing
+    his pig. Jimmy says it wanders off for a walk nearly every day
+    talking to itself and going into gardens and relishing things.
+    It is a very good relisher, Jimmy says.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home
+    circles; but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its
+    way.</p>
+
+    <p>You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on
+    its back.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at
+    sight next time.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put
+    butter on its feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus
+    suddenly remembered. He had put the War Loan in his algebra
+    book and left it in Jimmy's garden. Jimmy says it was a good
+    thing they went back when they did, because when he got home he
+    found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy suspecting a chimney-sweep
+    of being a spy; he had done it to the chimney-sweep's trousers,
+    Jimmy says.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises
+    with his brush at Faithful and working his black face at
+    him.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a
+    prize bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on
+    guard, and in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is
+    it?"</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the
+    chimney-sweep's face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy
+    that he was travelling the country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy
+    said that they had already had theirs swept, because a cat got
+    in their dining-room and Jimmy had put in his bloodhound to
+    tell it to go out.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but
+    couldn't find it, and they were just giving up in despair when
+    they heard Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his
+    kennel, and there it was.</p>
+
+    <p>Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was
+    busy solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War
+    Loan.</p>
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/316.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/316.png"
+        alt="&lt;i&gt;Scandalised N.S. Volunteer&lt;/i&gt;." /></a>
+        <i>Scandalised N.S. Volunteer</i>.
+        <span class="sc">"'Indenburg's watchin' yer!"</span>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they
+    took the algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him
+    back again, as he said it was no good to him, and perhaps
+    Faithful would find out how to catch another German spy, or
+    else how to make up the War Loan to 15<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way
+    he tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones
+    minimus's mouth water.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just
+    beginning to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there
+    was the milkman's pig calmly standing in the garden next door,
+    looking at him through the hedge and actually munching a piece
+    of coal at him.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like
+    anything, and when the pig began flapping his ears at him old
+    Faithful had to go right into the far corner of his kennel and
+    nurse his wrath.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in
+    a very short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when
+    Jones minimus and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out
+    Faithful at him. Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and
+    walked round the garden sampling things and inquiring into
+    them.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the
+    pig saw him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought
+    he was chasing the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing
+    Faithful, and they did it in a ring on the lawn.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves
+    up, because the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and
+    scratched his back at Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept
+    smelling the ground like anything.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some
+    places, but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came
+    out and accused it of being there.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a
+    lake it always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But
+    the man hadn't got a lake, he had only got an ornamental
+    fountain, and the pig had already scratched that over with its
+    back. The pig seemed very uneasy about its back, Jimmy
+    says.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he
+    would remove the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden
+    in five minutes.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he
+    thinks it must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very
+    much surprised at Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and
+    get to bed.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both
+    squeezed through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the
+    pig's ear, and then they both went down the road, Faithful
+    leading by about a yard, and looking behind him with both eyes
+    to make sure the pig was following him. Jimmy says his
+    bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the pig stopped to
+    smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in the gutter
+    old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging
+    slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly
+    back and deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand,
+    Jimmy says. There they stood
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page317" id="page317"></a>[pg
+    317]</span> in silent contest for about five seconds, each
+    trying to bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand
+    the strain no longer, and, breaking away with all its strength,
+    actually rushed into the garden of the man who had promised to
+    shoot it at sight next time.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden
+    until the man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off
+    tulips and browsed on some early peas and was making a regular
+    meatless day of it, and then the man came rushing out with his
+    gun.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down,
+    because the man was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking
+    about things and aiming his gun at the pig, and the pig kept
+    running round and round and getting mixed up with Faithful.
+    Then just as Jimmy was expecting the gun to go off the
+    chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from the back
+    part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and
+    walked right into the middle of it all.</p>
+
+    <p>Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made
+    even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the
+    chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his
+    double-barrelled gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and
+    there was the chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air,
+    shouting "Kamerad!" as hard as he could.</p>
+
+    <p>Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's
+    bloodhound had actually made up the War Loan to 15<i>s.</i>
+    6<i>d.</i>, and caught a German spy at the same time, with
+    nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course Jimmy knew how
+    old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what a really prize
+    bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous equations, of
+    course.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/317.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/317.png"
+        alt="ARE YOU THE REG'LAR GARD'NER, OR JUST IN FOR THE DAY?" />
+        </a> <i>Newcomer</i> (<i>to veteran sanitary
+        orderly</i>).<span class="sc">"Are you the reg'lar
+        gard'ner, or just in for the day?"</span>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Scheinboden, who is very well known as a
+        partisan of the 'Mailed Fish.'"&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening
+        News</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The very man for a submarine campaign.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"The main goal for which our troops went
+        was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed main goal
+        for which our troops went was the Oppy switch line, a
+        hastily constructed trench system by which the Germans have
+        extended their Hindenburg line northwards."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been
+    rather hastily constructed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>NATIONAL SERVICE;<br />
+     <span class="sc">Or, The Single Eye.</span></h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Good Jones, who saw his duty plain,</p>
+
+            <p>Resolved he would not live in vain;</p>
+
+            <p>He bought some land and made a start,</p>
+
+            <p>He gave up literature and art,</p>
+
+            <p>He studied books on what to grow,</p>
+
+            <p>He studied Mr. <span class="sc">Prothero</span>;</p>
+
+            <p>He worked from early dawn till ten,</p>
+
+            <p>Then went to town like other men,</p>
+
+            <p>And in his office he would stand</p>
+
+            <p>Expatiating on the land.</p>
+
+            <p>Prom five again he worked till eight,</p>
+
+            <p>Although it made his dinner late;</p>
+
+            <p>He could not tear himself away,</p>
+
+            <p>He could not leave his native clay.</p>
+
+            <p>At last, his energy all spent,</p>
+
+            <p>He put his tools away and went,</p>
+
+            <p>Took off his suit of muddy tan,</p>
+
+            <p>Became a clean and cultured man,</p>
+
+            <p>And settled firmly down to dine.</p>
+
+            <p>On fish and fowl and meat and wine</p>
+
+            <p>And bread as much as he might need;</p>
+
+            <p>And while he dined he used to read</p>
+
+            <p>What <span class="sc">Prothero</span> had said last
+            night,</p>
+
+            <p>And felt that he was doing right.</p>
+
+            <p>He didn't notice food was short;</p>
+
+            <p>He quite forgot Lord
+            <span class="sc">Devonport</span>.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page318" id="page318"></a>[pg
+    318]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE TWO CONSTABLES.</h2>
+
+    <p>It happened one evening when my wife was staying away with
+    her mother, in the dark months of last winter, when we were
+    without servants, and I was glad to have received an invitation
+    from my neighbour Jones to dinner.</p>
+
+    <p>He and his wife welcomed me warmly, and their rather
+    unintelligent maid had just brought in the saddle of
+    mutton&mdash;a great weakness of mine&mdash;when we heard a
+    firm knock on the hall door. She returned to say that someone
+    wanted to speak to Mr. Brown immediately. "Who is it?" I
+    demanded. "I don't know, Sir," said the girl, "but he looks
+    like a policeman."</p>
+
+    <p>"I hope nothing has happened to your wife," said Mrs. J.
+    anxiously. "Or her mother," added Jones rather cynically.</p>
+
+    <p>The man at the door was certainly a policeman, and an
+    elderly one, and had probably been recalled from pension when
+    the War broke out.</p>
+
+    <p>"Good evening, Sir," he said, staring hard at me. "Are you
+    Mr. Brown"&mdash;I nodded&mdash;"of Myrtle Villa, next
+    door"&mdash;he eyed me suspiciously&mdash;"No. 17?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, yes," I said impatiently; "what of it?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I must ask you for your name and address, Sir," pulling out
+    his note-book, "for showing a strong light at the back of the
+    'ouse at 8 P.M."</p>
+
+    <p>"That's all nonsense," I answered impatiently; "the house is
+    empty."</p>
+
+    <p>"Excuse me, Sir, I saw it myself from the road at the back
+    and came straight round," said he with his notebook ready.</p>
+
+    <p>"But it can't be," I said, getting annoyed.</p>
+
+    <p>At this moment a Special came running down the path.
+    "They're coming," he panted.</p>
+
+    <p>"Who are?" I asked. "No one's been invited but myself."</p>
+
+    <p>"The engines."</p>
+
+    <p>"But I haven't ordered any," said I.</p>
+
+    <p>"I gave the alarm myself," he added proudly.</p>
+
+    <p>Jones's rather unintelligent maid had been standing by my
+    side the whole time. "Excuse me, Sir," she said, "I don't know,
+    but I think there's something wrong with your 'ouse&mdash;the
+    little room at the back, where you sit and smoke of an evenin'.
+    There's been a big light there for some time&mdash;a wobbly
+    one. I don't know, Sir, but I think the 'ouse is a-fire."</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>What?</i>" I yelled, and dashed aside the two varieties
+    of constabulary. Yes, it was all true. The strong light at the
+    back of the house&mdash;a wobbly one&mdash;was rapidly becoming
+    a glow in the heavens, as they say in journalese. I stood and
+    looked at it, staggered for the moment, when I heard a cheer
+    and saw the engines coming. I dashed for my front-door, but
+    found myself forcibly dragged back. It was the Special, who
+    seemed to be having the time of his life.</p>
+
+    <p>"No one allowed to enter a burning building," said he
+    importantly.</p>
+
+    <p>"But I must," I cried; "there are some valuable
+    papers&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"No one allowed to enter," he repeated firmly&mdash;he
+    seemed to have learned it by heart&mdash;"except the firemen
+    and police."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, you go in and get them then. I'll&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Pass along, please," he said quite suddenly, as a new phase
+    of his duties seemed to occur to him, and I found myself edged
+    back towards the crowd.</p>
+
+    <p>Now I had to have those papers, and an idea occurred to me,
+    so I stopped. "I say, how about your dinner? You'll miss it
+    altogether. I don't want to keep you. Perhaps if you hurry off
+    at once&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Dinner," he cried indignantly, gripping me fiercely by the
+    arm&mdash;"what is dinner compared with duty? Do you know, man,
+    I've been doing this bally Special business for over two years
+    and never had a case yet, and now that I've got a real
+    fire&mdash;and this is my own fire, mind you, my very
+    own&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"I thought it was mine," I ventured.</p>
+
+    <p>"You talk to me of dinner! Pass right along, please;" and I
+    found myself back among the crowd, who seemed to be thoroughly
+    enjoying it.</p>
+
+    <p>There was a small cheer just then as the flames came through
+    the roof. Of Jones and his wife I saw nothing, but supposed
+    they must have stayed on to enjoy their saddle of mutton, and
+    wondered if they had kept mine hot for me. I could have kept it
+    hot in my own house, I reflected rather miserably.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The fire had been extinguished. As the crowd dispersed I
+    felt a touch on my shoulder. It was the elderly constable,
+    note-book in hand. "You are Mr. Brown, Sir, of Myrtle Villa?"
+    he inquired patiently. "I haven't had your name and address
+    yet, Sir, for showing an unguarded light at the rear of the
+    premises at 8 P.M."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Plain Cook (good). Wanted for country
+        house; six kept."&mdash;<i>Devon and Exeter
+        Gazette</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Too many; sure to spoil the broth.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"The Irish Party cars are placarded with
+        posters calling on the electors to vote for 'Unity and
+        Party,' and there are the cryptic words, '1/8 Up.
+        M'Kenna.'"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But as the result of the election Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Mckenna</span> went to a slight discount.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A CHÂTEAU IN FRANCE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Artists reared it in courtly ages;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><span class="sc">Watteau</span> and
+            <span class="sc">Fragonard</span> limned its walls;</p>
+
+            <p>Powdered lackeys and negro pages</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Served the great in its shining
+            halls;</p>
+
+            <p>Minstrels played, in its salons, stately</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Minuets for a jewelled king,</p>
+
+            <p>And radiant gallants bowed sedately</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To lovely Pompadours curtseying.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pigeons cooed in its dovecots shady;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Down in the rose-walk fountains
+            played;</p>
+
+            <p>Many a lovelorn lord and lady</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Here in the moonlight sighed and
+            strayed;</p>
+
+            <p>Here was beauty and love and laughter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Splendour and eminence bravely won;</p>
+
+            <p>But now two walls and a blackened rafter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Grimly tell the tale of the Hun.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My lady's chamber is dust and ashes;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The painted salons are charred with
+            fire;</p>
+
+            <p>The dovecot pitted with shrapnel splashes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The park a tangle of trench and wire;</p>
+
+            <p>Shell-holes yawn in the ferns and mosses;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Stripped and torn is the avenue;</p>
+
+            <p>Down in the rose-walk humble crosses</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Grow where my lady's roses grew.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet in the haunted midnight hours,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When star-shells droop through the
+            shattered trees,</p>
+
+            <p>Steal they back to their ancient bowers,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Beau Brocade and his Belle Marquise?</p>
+
+            <p>Greatly loving and greatly daring&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Fancy, perhaps, but the fancy grips,</p>
+
+            <p><i>For a junior subaltern woke up swearing</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>That a gracious lady had kissed his
+            lips.</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a butcher's advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"TOUGH &amp; INDIFFERENT MEAT</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">IS DEAR AT ANY PRICE.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">TRY</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; &amp; Sons</p>
+
+            <p>And prove it for yourselves."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"A certain amount of discussion took place,
+        and it was acknowledged that the number of horses in
+        training had been exagggerated."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        Chronicle</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Nevertheless there is certainly one gee too many.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>The <i>Lokalanzeiger</i> publishes an appeal for a new
+    German National Anthem. We understand that the best composition
+    that has been sent in up to the time of going to press begins
+    as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Who is <span class="sc">William</span>? What is
+            he</p>
+
+            <p>That all our swine adore him?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page319" id="page319"></a>[pg
+    319]</span>
+
+    <h3>ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/319-1.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-1.png"
+        alt="NOW THEN, MABEL, NOT SO MUCH POSING" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Plough Girl</i>. <span class="sc">"Now then,
+        Mabel, not so much posing or you'll have the horses bumping
+        into that rainbow."</span></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright" style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/319-2.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-2.png"
+        alt="I DON'T THINK THAT DRESS WOULD REALLY SUIT ME." /></a>
+
+
+        <p><i>Old Lady</i> (<i>regarding the
+        mannequin</i>).<span class="sc">"I don't think that dress
+        would really suit me. Chin-chin doesn't seem to care about
+        it either."</span></p>
+    </div><br clear="all" />
+
+
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/319-3.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-3.png"
+        alt="THE UNHAPPY DINER WHO HAS BEEN REFUSED A SECOND HELPING." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p class="sc">The unhappy diner who has been refused a
+        second helping.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/319-4.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-4.png"
+        alt="IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER HAMLET THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Martin Harvey</i>.<span class="sc">&mdash;"It is
+        a far, far better <i>Hamlet</i> than anyone has ever
+        done."</span></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/319-5.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-5.png"
+        alt="THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION OF THE BRETON AND THE BISHOP." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p class="sc">The mutual admiration of the Breton and the
+        Bishop.</p>
+    </div><br clear="all" />
+
+
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/319-6.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-6.png"
+        alt="EXCUSE ME, GUV'NOR, BUT WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Terrier</i>. <span class="sc">"Excuse me,
+        Guv'nor, but when you've finished reading the despatches
+        you might look and see if they're going to do anything
+        about <i>us</i>."</span></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/319-7.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/319-7.png"
+        alt="YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID &lt;i&gt;YOU&lt;/i&gt; DO IN THE GREAT WAR?" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>The Angel and the Veteran</i> (<i>to conscientious
+        objector</i>).<span class="sc">"Young man, what did
+        <i>you</i> do in the great war?"</span></p>
+    </div><br clear="all" />
+
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page320" id="page320"></a>[pg
+    320]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE JOLLY BARGEMAN.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I've put the old mare's tail in plaits, now ain't
+            she lookin' gay?</p>
+
+            <p>With ribbons in 'er mane as well&mdash;you'd think
+            it First o' May;</p>
+
+            <p>For why? we're under Government, though it ain't
+            just plain to me</p>
+
+            <p>If we're in the Civil Service or the
+            Admiralitee.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," oh, we'll do the best
+            we're able,</p>
+
+            <p>For we're servin' of our country an' we're 'elpin'
+            'er to win;</p>
+
+            <p>An' when the War is over then we'll all lie down in
+            clover,</p>
+
+            <p>With a drink all together at the "Navigation
+            Inn"!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I brought the news to Missis, an' to 'er these words
+            did say,</p>
+
+            <p>"Just chuck yon old broom-'andle an' a two-three
+            nails this way,</p>
+
+            <p>We're bound to 'ave a flagstaff for our old
+            red-white-and-blue,</p>
+
+            <p>For since we're under Government we'll 'ave our
+            ensign too."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Navy is the Navy, an' it sails upon the sea;</p>
+
+            <p>The Army is the Army, an' on land it 'as to be;</p>
+
+            <p>There's the land an' there's the water, 'an the Cut
+            comes in between,</p>
+
+            <p>And I don't know what you'd call me if it ain't an
+            'Orse Marine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Missis sits upon the barge the same's she used
+            to sit,</p>
+
+            <p>But they'll 'ave 'er in the papers now for doin' of
+            her bit;</p>
+
+            <p>An' I walk upon the tow-path 'ere as proud as
+            anything&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>If I 'aven't got no uniform I'm serving of the
+            <span class="sc">King</span>.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," an' we'll do the best
+            we're able,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For the country's been an' called us, an'
+            we've got to 'elp to win;</p>
+
+            <p>An' when the War is over, oh, we'll all lie down in
+            clover,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With a drink all together at the
+            "Navigation Inn."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">C.F.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/320.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/320.png" alt="OUR MIXED ARMY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OUR MIXED ARMY.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>First Recruit</i>. <span class="sc">"'Ere&mdash;tell
+        old bald-'ead to bung the salt over."</span></p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Recruit</i>. <span class="sc">"Er&mdash;might
+        i trouble you for the salt, sir?"</span></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE OPEN DOOR.</h3>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch has thought that some of his hospitable readers
+    might be glad to have the opportunity of giving the welcome of
+    their houses, in however simple a way, to Australian soldiers
+    on leave, who would greatly appreciate the chance of seeing
+    something of English home life. An "Invitation Bureau" has been
+    opened at the "Anzac" Buffet, 94, Victoria Street, where offers
+    of entertainment should be addressed.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"The Military Representative appealed
+        against the exemption of William Blake, aged 35, unmarried,
+        a slaughterman in the employment of Mr. George Rigg, pork
+        butcher. The Military Representative suggested that Mr.
+        Rigg should slaughter himself. Mr. Rigg stated that he
+        could not slaughter himself."&mdash;<i>Carlisle
+        Journal</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Compare <i>The Mikado</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Koko</i>. "Besides, I don't see how a man could cut off
+    his own head."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Pooh-Bah</i>. "A man might try."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page321" id="page321"></a>[pg
+    321]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/321.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/321.png" alt="HIS LATEST" /></a>
+
+        <h3>HIS LATEST.</h3>
+
+        <p><span class="sc">The Kaiser.</span> "THIS IS SORRY WORK
+        FOR A HOHENZOLLERN; STILL, NECESSITY KNOWS NO
+        TRADITIONS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page322" id="page322"></a>[pg
+    322]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, May 7th</i>.&mdash;The Royal House has found an
+    unexpected defender in Mr. <span class="sc">Outhwaite</span>.
+    He alone has perceived the hidden danger underlying the recent
+    proposal of the Lower House of Convocation to restore
+    <span class="sc">King Charles I</span>. to his old place in the
+    Church Calendar. This, he considers, is a direct encouragement
+    to the persons who seek the restoration of the Stuart dynasty,
+    and would make Prince <span class="sc">Rupprecht</span> of
+    Bavaria heir-apparent to the British Throne. The House was
+    relieved to hear from Mr. <span class="sc">Brace</span> that
+    there was no immediate danger of this contingency. Indeed,
+    Prince <span class="sc">Rupprecht</span> has had so much
+    trouble already with his prospective subjects that he has
+    probably no desire for their closer acquaintance.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright" style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/322-2.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/322-2.png"
+        alt="WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SEVENTY MILLION POUNDS OUT?" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p class="sc"><i>Mr. Bonar Law</i> (<i>to Mr. McKenna</i>).
+        "As one chancellor of the exchequer to another, what do you
+        do when you're seventy million pounds out?"</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Sir <span class="sc">Leo Chiozza Money</span> is ordinarily
+    a chirpy little person, quite able to take care of himself. But
+    he was obviously depressed by his inability to furnish a
+    plausible reason why two food-ships, having arrived safely in
+    home ports, should have been sent away undischarged, with the
+    result that they were torpedoed and their cargoes lost. The
+    statement that he was "still inquiring" brought no comfort to
+    the House of (Short) Commons. Why doesn't the
+    <span class="sc">Shipping Controller</span> organise a Flying
+    Squadron of dock-labourers?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, May 8th</i>.&mdash;The official reticence
+    regarding the names and exploits of our airmen was the subject
+    of much complaint. Mr. <span class="sc">Macpherson</span>
+    declared that it was quite in accordance with the wishes of the
+    R.F.C. themselves. But Sir <span class="sc">H. Dalziel</span>
+    was still dissatisfied. He knew of a young lieutenant who had
+    brought down forty enemy machines and been personally
+    congratulated by the Commander-in-Chief, and yet his name was
+    not published. It is obvious that praise even from Sir
+    <span class="sc">Douglas Haig</span> is not the same thing as a
+    paragraph in <i>Reynolds' Newspaper</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>A request for an increased boot-allowance to the
+    Metropolitan Police met with a dubious reception from Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Brace</span>, who explained that it would
+    involve an expenditure of many thousands of pounds. It is
+    rumoured that the Home Office is considering the recruitment of
+    a Bantam Force, with a view to reducing the acreage of leather
+    required.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/322-1.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/322-1.png"
+        alt="BEAU BRUMMEL BILLING GIVES THE 'NO-STARCH' MOVEMENT A GOOD SEND-OFF." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p class="sc">Beau Brummel Billing gives the "No-starch"
+        movement a good send-off.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, May 9th</i>.&mdash;If the
+    <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> should be
+    accused of having taken advantage of his knowledge of the
+    Budget-proposals to lay in a secret hoard of tobacco he will
+    have no one to blame but himself. He solemnly assured the House
+    that nothing has been brought to his notice to show that the
+    trade is making undue profits. It is clear, therefore, that he
+    has not had occasion to go into a tobacconist's and ask for his
+    favourite mixture, only to find that his three-half-penny tax
+    has sent the price up by twopence.</p>
+
+    <p>By prohibiting the manufacture of starch the Government has
+    done something to please Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Pemberton-Billing</span>. The hon. Member, who
+    has always affected the "soft shirts that Sister Susie sews,"
+    is flattered to think that he has set a fashion which must now
+    become universal. When Captain
+    <span class="sc">Bathurst</span>, falling into his humour,
+    assured him that even <span class="sc">Beau Brummel</span>
+    would accept the position with patriotic resignation, Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Billing</span> felt that he had found his true
+    vocation as an arbiter of taste.</p>
+
+    <p>In moving a Vote of Credit for the unexampled sum of five
+    hundred millions, Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>
+    apologised for a slight error in his Budget statement. He had
+    then estimated the expenditure of the country at five and a
+    half millions a day. Owing to fortuitous circumstances, the
+    amount for the first thirty-five days of the financial year had
+    turned out to be seven and a half millions a day. Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Mckenna</span>, conscious of some similar
+    lapses in calculation during his own time at the Exchequer,
+    handsomely condoned the mistake. Still one felt that it
+    strengthened the stentorian plea for economy made by Mr. J.A.R.
+    <span class="sc">Marriott</span> in a maiden speech that would
+    perhaps have been better if it had not been quite so good. The
+    House is accustomed to a little hesitation in its novices and
+    does not like to be lectured even by an Oxford don.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright" style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/322-3.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/322-3.png" alt="THE SECRET SESSION." /></a>THE
+        SECRET SESSION.
+
+        <p class="sc"><i>Winston.</i> "No report of speeches. It
+        hardly seems worth while."</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The debate produced a number of speeches more suitable for
+    the Secret Session that was to follow. Our enemies will surely
+    be heartened when they read the criticisms passed by Mr.
+    <span class="sc">George Lambert</span>, an ex-Minister of the
+    Crown, upon our Naval policy, and
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page323" id="page323"></a>[pg
+    323]</span> by Mr. <span class="sc">Dillon On</span> the
+    Salonika Expedition; and they will not understand that the one
+    is dominated by the belief that no Board of Admiralty that does
+    not include Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> can possibly be
+    efficient; and that the other is congenitally unable to believe
+    anything good of British administration in Ireland or
+    elsewhere.</p>
+
+    <p>For once Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> took the
+    gloves off to Mr. <span class="sc">Dillon</span>, and told him
+    plainly that more attention would be paid to his criticism if
+    he was himself doing something to help in the prosecution of
+    the War.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, May 10th</i>.&mdash;I gather from Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> report of the Secret Session
+    that nothing sensational was revealed. The
+    <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> "encouraging account
+    of the methods adopted to meet the submarine attack" was not
+    much more explicit, I infer, than the speech which Lord
+    <span class="sc">Curzon</span> was making simultaneously,
+    <i>urbi et orbi</i>, in the House of Lords, or Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Asquith</span> would not have
+    observed&mdash;again I quote the official report&mdash;that
+    "hardly anything had been said which could not have been said
+    openly."</p>
+
+    <p>That none of the Nationalists should have addressed the
+    House was perhaps less due to their constitutional reticence
+    than to the depressing effect of the South Longford election,
+    where their nominee was defeated by the Sinn Fein
+    candidate&mdash;one <span class="sc">Mcguinness</span>, and
+    evidently a stout fellow. But it is odd to find that the debate
+    was conducted without the assistance of Messrs.
+    <span class="sc">Billing, Pringle</span> and
+    <span class="sc">Hogge</span>. Their eloquent silence was a
+    protest, no doubt, against the eviction of the reporters. Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Churchill</span> was probably suffering equal
+    anguish, but with patriotic self-sacrifice he refused to
+    deprive his fellow-legislators of the privilege of hearing once
+    again his views on the conduct of War.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/323.jpg"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/323.jpg"
+        alt="WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO YER?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Mrs. Smith</i> (<i>to Mr. Smith, who has just been
+        examined by Army Medical Board</i>). <span class="sc">"What
+        did the Doctor say to yer?"</span></p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Smith</i>. <span class="sc">"'E sez to me,
+        'you've got a stigma an' a congenial squint.'"</span></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>JILL-OF-ALL-TRADES AND MISTRESS OF MANY.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">[<i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, writing on
+        women farmers, quotes the tribute of
+        <span class="sc">Hutton</span>, the historian, to a
+        Derbyshire lady who died at Matlock in 1854: "She
+        undertakes any kind of manual labour, as holding the
+        plough, driving the team, thatching the barn, using the
+        flail; but her chief avocation is breaking horses at a
+        guinea per week. She is fond of Pope and Shakespeare, is a
+        self-taught and capable instrumentalist, and supports the
+        bass viol in Matlock Church."]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though in the good old-fashioned days</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The feminine factotum rarely</p>
+
+            <p>Was honoured with a crown of bays</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When she had won it fairly;</p>
+
+            <p>She did emerge at times like one</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For manual work a perfect glutton,</p>
+
+            <p>Blue-stocking half, half Amazon,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As chronicled by
+            <span class="sc">Hutton</span>.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But now you'll find her counterpart</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In almost every English
+            village&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>A mistress of the arduous art</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of scientific tillage,</p>
+
+            <p>Who cheerfully resigns the quest</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of all that makes a woman charming,</p>
+
+            <p>And shows an even greater zest</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For gardening and farming.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>She used to petrify her dons;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She was a most efficient bowler;</p>
+
+            <p>But now she's baking barley scones</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To help the <span class="sc">Food
+            Controller</span>;</p>
+
+            <p>Good <i>Mrs. Beeton</i> she devours,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And not the dialogues of
+            <span class="sc">Plato</span>,</p>
+
+            <p>And sets above the Cult of Flowers</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Cult of the Potato.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The studious maid whose classic brow</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was high with conscious pride of
+            learning</p>
+
+            <p>Now grooms the pony, milks the cow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And takes a hand at churning;</p>
+
+            <p>And one I know, whose music had</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Done credit to her educators,</p>
+
+            <p>Has sold her well-beloved "Strad"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To purchase incubators!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The object of this humble lay</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is not to minimize the glory</p>
+
+            <p>Of women of an earlier day</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whose deeds are shrined in story;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis only to extol the grit</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of clever girls&mdash;and none work
+            harder&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Who daily do their toilsome "bit"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To stock the nation's larder.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page324" id="page324"></a>[pg
+    324]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/324.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/324.png" alt="GIT A MOVE ON, ALBERT" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Overburdened Mother</i>. <span class="sc">"Git a move
+        on, Albert&mdash;keepin' the 'ole bloomin' world
+        back&mdash;an' a war on, too!"</span></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ONE OF OUR DIFFICULTIES.</h2>
+
+    <p>Under this title I refer to a lady whom I will call Mrs.
+    Legion, for there are many of her all over the country, bless
+    her conservative old heart. She has been in service as cook or
+    cook-housekeeper most of her life (she is now getting on in
+    years), and constant preoccupation with kitchen affairs has
+    somewhat narrowed her outlook, so that the circumvention of the
+    butcher, whose dominant idea (she believes) is to provide her
+    with indifferent joints, is more to her than the defeat of
+    <span class="sc">Hindenburg</span>; and so far as she is
+    concerned the main theatre of the War is neither Europe nor the
+    Atlantic, but the coal merchant's yard, which disgorges its
+    treasure so grudgingly. Not only is her first thought for her
+    cooking, in order&mdash;the transition to her second thought is
+    automatic&mdash;that her employer or employers may be
+    comfortable; but it is her last thought too.</p>
+
+    <p>With such singleness of purpose to crystallize her, she
+    cannot absorb even the gravest of warnings; not from
+    unwillingness or stupid obstinacy, but from sheer inability to
+    grasp any novelty. That her beloved master and
+    mistress&mdash;either or both&mdash;should not have the best of
+    everything and plenty of it is, at this advanced stage in her
+    career, unthinkable. Even though she read it in print she would
+    disregard it, for her attitude to them papers is sceptical;
+    even Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span>, with all his
+    many voices, dulcet or commanding, has wooed in vain.</p>
+
+    <p>I imagine that the milkman, from whom she heard of the War
+    and whom she thinks (for his class) a sagacious fellow, has
+    warned her against the Press. Anyway she has refused&mdash;and
+    will, I fancy, never relent&mdash;to allow any extreme idea of
+    food shortage to disturb her routine.</p>
+
+    <p>"Look here, Mrs. Legion," you say, "really, you
+    know"&mdash;you don't like, or you have lost the power, to be
+    too firm with her after all these years of
+    friendliness&mdash;"really we mustn't have toast any more."</p>
+
+    <p>"Not toast!"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, not any more. In fact"&mdash;a light laugh
+    here&mdash;"I'm going to do without bread altogether
+    directly."</p>
+
+    <p>"Do without bread!" This with much more alarmed surprise
+    than if you had declared your intention of forswearing
+    clothes.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes; the Government want us to eat less bread. In fact we
+    must, you know; and toast is particularly wasteful, they
+    say."</p>
+
+    <p>"There's no waste in this house, Sir [or 'M]." This with a
+    touch of acerbity, for Mrs. Legion is not without pride. "No
+    one can ever accuse me of waste. I'm not vain, but that I will
+    say."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, no," you hasten to reply, "of course not; but things
+    have reached such a point, you know, that even the strictest
+    economy and care have got to be made more strict. That's all.
+    And toast has to be stopped, I'm afraid."</p>
+
+    <p>"Very well, Sir [or 'M], if you wish it. But I can't say
+    that I understand what it all means."</p>
+
+    <p>And that evening, which is meatless and is given up largely
+    to asparagus (just beginning, thank God!), you certainly see no
+    toast in the rack, but find that the tender green faggot
+    reposes on a slab of it large enough to feed several
+    children.</p>
+
+    <p>Mrs. Legion may go to church, but her real religion is
+    concerned far more with her employers' bodies than with her own
+    soul; and among the cardinal tenets of her faith is the
+    necessity for dinner to be hot. You may have a
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page325" id="page325"></a>[pg
+    325]</span> cold lunch, but everything at dinner must have been
+    cooked especially for that meal, all circling about the joint,
+    or a bird, like satellite suns.</p>
+
+    <p>How to cleave such a rock of tradition? How to bring the old
+    Tory into line with the new rules and yet not break her
+    heart?</p>
+
+    <p>"And, Mrs. Legion," you say, not too boldly, and at the end
+    of some other remark, "we'll have yesterday's leg of mutton for
+    dinner to-night, with a salad."</p>
+
+    <p>"Cold mutton for dinner?" she replies dully.</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes&mdash;now the weather's getting warmer it's much nicer.
+    It will save coal too. Just the mutton and a salad. No
+    potatoes."</p>
+
+    <p>"No potatoes!" Surely the skies are falling, says her
+    accent. You have been eating mashed potatoes, done with cream
+    and a dash of beetroot in it, with cold meat, at lunch, for
+    years.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, no&mdash;we mustn't eat potatoes any more. Haven't you
+    heard?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I heard something about it, yes. But aren't we to eat those
+    we've got?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, we must give them away. Remember, just cold mutton and
+    salad. And no toast." You are getting more confidence. "Never
+    toast any more"&mdash;another light laugh&mdash;"never any
+    more!"</p>
+
+    <p>And at dinner there are the cold mutton and salad all right;
+    but to your horror you are asked first to eat a slice of salmon
+    with two boiled potatoes.</p>
+
+    <p>"Good heavens!" you say, "what's this?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, Sir [or 'M], the fishmonger called, and as I felt
+    sure the cold meat couldn't be enough for you...."</p>
+
+    <p>Summoning all your courage you protest again, adding, "And
+    another thing, Mrs. Legion; you mustn't make any more pastry.
+    The flour can't be spared. It's not only bread we've got to be
+    careful about, but everything made with flour."</p>
+
+    <p>"Then what's the flour for?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That's all right. But it's got to be saved."</p>
+
+    <p>"I don't understand, Sir [or 'M]. I can't see why it
+    shouldn't be used if we have it."</p>
+
+    <p>"No. The idea is that every one should go without flour as
+    much as possible, and then there will be more and it will last
+    longer. More for other people."</p>
+
+    <p>"My duty is to this house, Sir [or 'M]. But the flour's so
+    coarse and brown it's hardly worth using, anyhow. I never saw
+    such stuff. It's a scandal. But I'm truly sorry if I've
+    disappointed you. All I want to do is my duty."</p>
+
+    <p>"You have, Mrs. Legion, you have. You've been splendid; but
+    the time has come now to eat less and to eat more simply. Is
+    that clear?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, I hear you right enough, Sir [or 'M], but I can't say
+    I understand it. War or no war, I don't hold with folks being
+    starved."</p>
+
+    <p>And there it breaks off, only, of course, to begin
+    again.</p>
+
+    <p>That is Mrs. Legion!&mdash;one of the hardest nuts that Lord
+    <span class="sc">Devonport</span> has to crack. She doesn't
+    hold with Lords poking their noses into people's kitchens,
+    anyway. That's not her idea of how Lords ought to behave. Lords
+    not only ought to be gentlefolk, and be fed and waited upon and
+    live in affluent idleness, but super-gentlefolk. But then she
+    doesn't hold with many modern things. She doesn't (for one)
+    hold with the War.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/325.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/325.png"
+        alt="AIN'T YOU GOT THAT BIVVY BUILT YET?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sergeant-Major</i>. <span class="sc">"Ain't you got
+        that bivvy built yet, me lad? Gawd bless my soul, I could
+        ha' knitted it in half the time."</span></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page326" id="page326"></a>[pg
+    326]</span>
+
+    <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">"Wanted A Husband."</h3>
+
+    <p>You will easily guess that a comedy (or farce) in which a
+    woman is reduced to advertising in the Press for a husband
+    belongs to the ante-bellum era, before the glad eye of the
+    flapper became a permanent feature of the landscape. Indeed Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Cyril Harcourt's</span> play might belong to
+    just any year since the time when women first began to write
+    those purple tales of passion that are so bad for the morals of
+    the servants' hall. It was simply to get copy for this kind of
+    stuff that <i>Mabel Vere</i> (most improbably pretty in the
+    person of Miss <span class="sc">Gladys Cooper</span>)
+    advertised for a husband, for this post had already been
+    assigned to the dullest and stuffiest of <i>fiancés</i>. I dare
+    not think how the theme might have been treated in French
+    hands, but Mr. <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> is very firm
+    about the proprieties. My only fear was that the gallery might
+    mistake his rather second-rate people for gentlefolk. In what
+    kind of club, I wonder, do members reply to matrimonial
+    advertisements and make bets about the result of their
+    applications? I should be sorry to think that anybody
+    attributes such conduct to the <i>habitués</i> of the
+    Athenćum.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright" style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/326.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/326.png"
+        alt="THE DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO." /></a> THE
+        DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO.
+
+        <table summary="cast list">
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left"><i>Captain Corkoran</i></td>
+
+                <td>. . . .</td>
+
+                <td align="left" class="sc">Mr. Malcolm
+                Cherry.</td>
+            </tr>
+
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left"><i>Adams</i> (<i>a
+                butler</i>)</td>
+
+                <td>. . . .</td>
+
+                <td align="left" class="sc">Mr. Ernest
+                Hendrie.</td>
+            </tr>
+
+            <tr>
+                <td align="left"><i>Mabel Vere</i></td>
+
+                <td>. . . .</td>
+
+                <td align="left" class="sc">Miss Gladys
+                Cooper.</td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The types that came to inspect <i>Mabel Vere</i> were
+    sufficiently varied. There was a masterful Colonial (finally
+    ejected by a lady-friend, who performed a jujitsu feat which
+    required a very palpable collusion on his part); a butler; an
+    Army Officer (with a reputation for exploring); a gay naval
+    thruster, and an old gentleman who ought to have known better.
+    To most of them she opposed an air of virgin superciliousness
+    very disappointing to their justifiable anticipations; but the
+    butler promised copy, and she accepted an invitation to tea in
+    his kitchen. This scene furnished some very excellent and
+    natural fun, and there was really no need to introduce, and
+    exploit over and over again, the hallowed device of a trip-mat,
+    that last resort of the bankrupt farceur. The necessary
+    complications ensued with the unexpected arrival of the master
+    (one of the candidates for the lady's hand, I need not say),
+    who makes sudden demand for an early dinner, a thing impossible
+    to execute with the cook in a fit of hysterics induced by
+    jealousy of the lady who had supplanted her in the butler's
+    perfidious affections.</p>
+
+    <p>In the third Act we return to <i>Mabel's</i> flat and resume
+    her interviews with the applicants for her hand. This revival
+    of the situation of the First Act was a weakness in the
+    construction. The original <i>fiancé</i>&mdash;a wooden dummy
+    set up for the purpose of being knocked down&mdash;is
+    dismissed, and <i>Captain Corkoran</i>, the bold explorer, is
+    appointed to the vacancy. He deserved his luck; but, if I wish
+    him joy of it, I do so without a pang of envy, for she was much
+    too good at back-chat for a quiet life, to say nothing of her
+    taste in literature, which would want a deal of correction.</p>
+
+    <p>Of course Miss <span class="sc">Gladys Cooper</span> made
+    her seem much more desirable than she really was. (I speak of
+    her personal charm and not of her agreeable costumes, which are
+    for the pens of more instructed reviewers. I got nothing out of
+    a lady near me, whom I recognised as a dramatic critic by a
+    question that her neighbour put to her. "Do you know this
+    frock," she asked, "or will you have to go behind?") Apart from
+    the delightful picture which Miss
+    <span class="sc">Cooper</span> always presents she has a most
+    swift and delicate feeling for the details of her craft. She
+    has the confidence that avoids over-emphasis, and she does her
+    audience the compliment of assuming that they have intelligence
+    enough to understand the least of those little nods of hers
+    that have the true eloquence of an under-statement. Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Malcolm Cherry</span> was at his best and
+    easiest as <i>Captain Corkoran</i>. Mr.
+    <span class="sc">Hendrie</span> handled the broad humour of the
+    butler with imperturbable restraint, and Miss
+    <span class="sc">Barbara Gott</span> was as fine and human a
+    cook as I ever wish to meet in her native lair. Miss
+    <span class="sc">Margaret Fraser</span>, a most attractive
+    figure, was a model for any housemaid on whose damask cheek the
+    concealment of an unrequited passion for her master feeds like
+    a worm i' th' bud. Altogether a really excellent cast.</p>
+
+    <p>The humour of the dialogue was fresh and well sustained.
+    Here and there Mr. <span class="sc">Harcourt</span> permitted
+    himself allusive refinements which deserved a better response,
+    as when <i>Captain Corkoran</i>, discussing with <i>Mabel</i>
+    the menu of the dinner that she fails to cook for him, adapts
+    the language of <span class="sc">Solomon</span> and says,
+    "Fritter me apples, for I am sick of love." This was lost upon
+    an audience insufficiently familiar with the works of that
+    great voluptuary.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TASTY DISHES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Food Specialist</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch considers it to be his duty at the present time to
+    show how an abundance of excellent and nourishing food may be
+    obtained from the most unlikely materials. In doing this he is
+    aware that he is merely following the example set him by
+    countless culinary experts, who have communicated their ideas
+    to the daily press; but Mr. Punch is not to be deterred from
+    doing a helpful action by any paltry jealousy as to precedence.
+    His readers, he knows, will be grateful to him for his
+    generosity.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">No. I.&mdash;For General Use.</h3>
+
+    <p>Take two Committees&mdash;it is not absolutely necessary
+    that they should meet more than once&mdash;and, having added to
+    them a Chairman, stew on a slow fire until a Secretary emerges.
+    Turn into an enamelled saucepan and set to simmer over gas.
+    Then boil up twice into resolutions and votes of thanks, and
+    let the whole toast for at least three hours. Sprinkle with
+    amendments and add salt and pepper to taste. Then brown with a
+    salamander and serve up hot in egg-cups.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">No. II.&mdash;For a Householder in Streatham or
+    Camden Town.</h3>
+
+    <p>To half a tennis-lawn add two ounces of croquet-mallet and
+    three arches of pergola, and reduce the whole to a fine
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page327" id="page327"></a>[pg
+    327]</span> powder. Drench with still lemonade and boil into a
+    thick paste. Add two hundredweight of dandelions and plantains
+    together with at least three pounds of garden-roller and five
+    yards of wire-netting carefully grilled. Let this be roasted
+    and basted for an hour and then flavoured with vantage. Turn
+    out into a mould, and serve overhand as fast as possible,
+    having first shred into the mixture half a ton of daisies or
+    buttercups, according to taste.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">No. III.&mdash;Beesting Jelly for
+    Apiarians.</h3>
+
+    <p>Catch one thousand bees and extract their stings. Then throw
+    away the bees and lay the stings gently but firmly on a mash
+    composed of the breasts of five Buff Orpington cockerels. Sift
+    the whole through a fine cloth and add the yolks of a hundred
+    poached eggs. Beat up together for an hour and ten minutes.
+    Flavour with coffee and dilute with elderberry wine. Allow the
+    mixture to simmer in a hot oven and serve with fresh asparagus
+    cut before breakfast.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">No. IV.&mdash;Puntpole Pie for Riparian
+    Owners.</h3>
+
+    <p>Chop into small pieces three or four puntpoles, having first
+    melted down the metal shoes, and spread thin over as many canoe
+    paddles as can be obtained for the purpose. Immerse the whole
+    suddenly in the river and dry before a quick fire. Add one
+    boat's rudder and twenty-four dab-chicks, and season with three
+    yards of grated swans' necks, six barbel, four dace and a dozen
+    gudgeon, close time for these fish being strictly observed.
+    Sprinkle with cowslips and willow leaves, insert in a pie-dish
+    and cover with a thick paste of bulrushes and marsh grass. Then
+    set to bake for three hours, and stick four pigeons' claws into
+    the crust. Picnic baskets from which the salt has been omitted
+    may be shredded over the surface instead of parsley.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch has many more recipes equally cheap and excellent,
+    and is prepared to disclose them to those of his readers who
+    may desire to practise a rigid economy and at the same time to
+    enjoy an abundance of good food.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/327.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/327.png"
+        alt="IF I LETS THE BLIGHTERS GO THE CORPORAL'LL CUSS ME INTO 'EAPS. AN' IF I 'OLDS ON TO 'EM I'LL BREAK MY BLINKIN' NECK!" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>with exercising party</i>).
+        <span class="sc">"If I lets the blighters go the
+        Corporal'll cuss me into 'eaps. an' If I 'olds on to 'em
+        I'll break my blinkin' neck!"</span></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <h4>The End of the Story.</h4>
+
+        <p class="note">"Will the soldier who assisted the
+        Gentleman with a motor cycle and sidecar on the Downs on
+        Tuesday communicate with him at Greenbank
+        Cemetery."&mdash;<i>Bristol Evening News</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Harry Wilson, milkman, of Devonport, has
+        no connection of any kind with Woodrow Wilson, of United
+        States of America."<i>Auckland Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><span class="sc">Harry</span> is now sorry he wrote.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="note">
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>"The daily rations of the shirkers
+                are:&mdash;</p>
+
+                <p class="i4">Bread . . . . . . . . . . . 9 oz.</p>
+
+                <p class="i6">(uncooked, including bone)."</p>
+
+                <p class="i24"><i>Daily Mail</i>.</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The conscientious objector doesn't seem to be having such a
+    soft time after all.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TYRTĆUS.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When Sparta's heroes, tired of truce,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The fires of battle woke,</p>
+
+            <p><span class="sc">Tyrtćus</span> sang them golden
+            lays</p>
+
+            <p>And bravely on their marching days</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His queenly Muse outspoke.</p>
+
+            <p><span class="sc">Tyrtćus</span>' name's come down
+            the years</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And did deserve to do,</p>
+
+            <p>For so he dried men's eyes of tears,</p>
+
+            <p>So loosed their hearts from idle fears,</p>
+
+            <p>Stouter they thrust their ashen spears,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Their javelins further threw.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In those fair days <span class="sc">Tyrtćus</span>'
+            song</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was all men had to trust,</p>
+
+            <p>But while he hymned the coming fight</p>
+
+            <p>They did not wail, "He can't be right,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They heard and cried, "He must!"</p>
+
+            <p>When men of craven soul came in&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which now may Heaven forbid&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Then stout <span class="sc">Tyrtćus</span> would
+            begin:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Mere argument can be no sin,</p>
+
+            <p>But whining is; we're going to win."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And so, of course, they did.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><span class="sc">Tyrtćus</span>' heart has ceased to
+            beat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But still his measures run,</p>
+
+            <p>And still abides the British Press,</p>
+
+            <p>Which men must credit, more or less,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To tell how things are done.</p>
+
+            <p>So by all bards with hearts of fire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cheerfully be it sung,</p>
+
+            <p>That still our people may not tire</p>
+
+            <p>In doing well, but yet aspire;</p>
+
+            <p>Let these renew <span class="sc">Tyrtćus</span>'
+            lyre,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Let others hold their tongue.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page328" id="page328"></a>[pg
+    328]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <p>A volume called <i>Curious Happenings</i>
+    <span class="sc">(Mills and Boon)</span> can boast at least a
+    highly attractive, open-and-see title; to which is added, in
+    the present instance, a wrapper-picture of the most intriguing
+    brand. Perhaps not quite all the contents of Miss
+    <span class="sc">Marjorie Bowen's</span> book of short stories
+    fully live up to the promise of its outside (what stories
+    could?), but they have amongst them one, from which both title
+    and picture are taken, of very unusual and haunting quality.
+    So, if you should only be able to snatch so much time from work
+    of National importance as suffices to read a single tale, begin
+    at the start, and be assured of having the best. Not that the
+    others are without their attractions, though one is rather
+    gratuitously revolting. Laid in the picturesque eighteenth
+    century, they all exhibit Miss <span class="sc">Bowen's</span>
+    very pretty gift for costume-drama at its happiest. The trouble
+    is that, with a volume of such short tales, stories of
+    situation, one gets too familiar with the method&mdash;as, for
+    example, in "The Folding Doors," where a lady's husband and
+    lover had played out their scene before the closed doors (with
+    an alleged cut finger for the husband), and I knew only too
+    well in what state the flinging open of the doors would reveal
+    the lady herself. But perhaps I am exceptionally cursed in this
+    matter; and, anyhow, a volume that contains even one story so
+    good as "The Pond" is a thing for gratitude and rejoicing.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I may have been wrong in turning to a novel for mental
+    relief; anyhow, I have just come through one of the toughest
+    bouts of relaxation I can remember, and my only solace for the
+    slight weariness of such repose is the thought how much more
+    tired the author, Mr. <span class="sc">Basil Creighton</span>,
+    must be. With such a hail-storm of metaphor and epigram
+    constantly dissolving in impalpable mist of mere words has he
+    assaulted <i>The History of an Attraction</i>
+    (<span class="sc">Chatto and Windus</span>) that the poor
+    thing, atomised, vaporised and analysed to the bone, lies limp
+    and lifeless between the covers, with hardly a decent rag of
+    incident or story to cover it. And there one might perhaps be
+    content to let it rest, but for the fact that <i>Anita</i>, the
+    lady of the "Attraction," is worthy of a better fate. The
+    principal man of the book, who, after much wobbling
+    consideration, and in spite of his quite fortuitous marriage
+    with some one else in the meantime, discovers at last that he
+    does love <i>Anita</i>, is the merest peg on which to hang
+    endless philosophisings; and so is his impossible wife
+    <i>Janet</i> herself, the lady who, after having accepted his
+    dubious courtship for no particular reason, fortunately deserts
+    him without any better excuse, thus clearing the way for a most
+    decorous divorce and readjustment. Neither is the writer's
+    inner thesis&mdash;the immoralness of ordinary morality, so far
+    as I can make out&mdash;particularly agreeable; but
+    <i>Anita</i>, though far from being the sort of person one
+    would look to meet in real life, is intriguing after a fashion,
+    and just possibly repays the hard work needed for the making of
+    her acquaintance.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Miss <span class="sc">M.E.F. Irwin</span>, whose previous
+    books I remember to have greatly enjoyed, has produced for her
+    third a story of much originality and power, called <i>Out of
+    the House</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>). The title
+    may perplex you at first. It comes from the struggles of the
+    heroine to wrench herself free from encompassing family ties
+    and the tradition of intermarriage, in order to join her life
+    to the outside lover who calls to her. You might therefore
+    consider it, in some sense, a story of eugenics, but that its
+    outlook is emotional rather than scientific. Yet the
+    <i>Pomfrets</i>, as a result of family pride and
+    over-specialization, had become a sufficiently queer lot to
+    warrant a normal girl in any violence of house-breaking to be
+    free of them. Therein of course lies the cleverness of the
+    book; it is full of atmosphere, and the atmosphere is full of
+    dust, <i>Pomfret</i> dust. You can feel how heavy to rebellious
+    lungs must have been the air of the <i>Pomfret</i> houses,
+    where lived <i>Philip</i>, the intriguing father, and his sons
+    <i>Anthony</i> (a little mad) and <i>Charles</i> (much more
+    mad, but with at least the instincts of a lunatic gentleman).
+    It is not, you will guess, precisely a lively tale, but the
+    force of it is undeniable. Miss <span class="sc">Irwin</span>
+    has now more than ever proved herself a fastidious and careful
+    artist, with a touch of austerity that gives weight to a tale
+    so frankly one of sentiment, and she will, I hope, continue to
+    keep her work above the ordinary level.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Wane of Uxenden</i> (<span class="sc">Arnold</span>)
+    seems to be one of those novels which may be classed as worthy
+    in intention without being exactly happy in execution. Miss
+    <span class="sc">Legge</span> has a desire to warn us all
+    against the perils of monkeying with spiritism, and she has
+    chosen the method of making it tiresome even to read about.
+    Well, it is a method certainly. <i>Uxenden</i> was a nice old
+    family, which had come down to cutting its timber while a rich
+    Jewish soap-and-scent-manufacturer sat rubbing his hands on a
+    slice of the property, waiting for the rest of it to come his
+    way. <i>Uxenden</i> eventually waned entirely, and without
+    tears so far as I was concerned. I feel sure <i>Mr. La Haye</i>
+    (<i>né Levinstein</i>) would make a better landlord than the
+    old squire, in spite of the prejudices of the countryside....
+    No, I am afraid it would be stretching a point to promise you
+    any great entertainment from this well-intentioned but rather
+    woolly book. <i>Brother Jenkins</i>, the fraud, of the Society
+    of Seven, is about the most entertaining of the
+    marionettes.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/328.png"><img width="100%"
+        src="images/328.png"
+        alt="BUT ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS CHAIR IS GENUINE CHARLES II.?" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Customer</i>. <span class="sc">"But are you sure
+        that this chair is genuine Charles II.? It looks rather
+        new."</span></p>
+
+        <p><i>Fake Antique Dealer</i> (<i>off his guard</i>).
+        <span class="sc">"I'm sorry, Madam, we have no <i>real</i>
+        antiques in stock. You see we can't get the
+        labour."</span></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <h4>Our Kindly Critics.</h4>
+
+        <p class="note">"It is Mr. Wells's great advantage as a
+        preacher that he has a prose style instinct with life and
+        beauty. Somewhere he speaks of a cathedral as a 'Great,
+        still place, urgent with beauty'; somewhere else he says,
+        'The necessary elements of religion can be written on a
+        postcard.'"&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Callisthenes" must look to his laurels.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Extract from the letter of a lady who helps in parish work
+    and is full of agricultural enthusiasm:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="note">"Next week I am going to start digging for
+        the vicar."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Assuming that the reverend gentleman was inadvertently
+    buried alive, we deprecate this delay.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 16, 1917., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15377-h.htm or 15377-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/7/15377/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/15377-h/images/0179.png b/15377-h/images/0179.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4297509
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/0179.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/313.png b/15377-h/images/313.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c79369d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/313.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/315.png b/15377-h/images/315.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b13f978
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/315.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/316.png b/15377-h/images/316.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a4b1cd3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/316.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/317.png b/15377-h/images/317.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5336a2f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/317.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-1.png b/15377-h/images/319-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c1fd4e5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-1.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-2.png b/15377-h/images/319-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ff5885a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-2.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-3.png b/15377-h/images/319-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f78ced9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-3.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-4.png b/15377-h/images/319-4.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..35bc467
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-4.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-5.png b/15377-h/images/319-5.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9a0cef3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-5.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-6.png b/15377-h/images/319-6.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8fc6c17
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-6.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/319-7.png b/15377-h/images/319-7.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e236de0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/319-7.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/320.png b/15377-h/images/320.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..52aa459
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/320.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/321.png b/15377-h/images/321.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e1adc62
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/321.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/322-1.png b/15377-h/images/322-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6817799
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/322-1.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/322-2.png b/15377-h/images/322-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0b3160e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/322-2.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/322-3.png b/15377-h/images/322-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..18531c8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/322-3.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/323.jpg b/15377-h/images/323.jpg
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d354677
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/323.jpg
diff --git a/15377-h/images/324.png b/15377-h/images/324.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b0fa40f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/324.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/325.png b/15377-h/images/325.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4e45945
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/325.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/326.png b/15377-h/images/326.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..57f1468
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/326.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/327.png b/15377-h/images/327.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ae8296c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/327.png
diff --git a/15377-h/images/328.png b/15377-h/images/328.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..24daa4c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377-h/images/328.png
diff --git a/15377.txt b/15377.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..19d46b9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1951 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 16, 1917., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 16, 1917.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: March 16, 2005 [EBook #15377]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+May 16, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Several factories where counterfeit bread tickets were printed have
+been discovered in Berlin. We understand that the defence will be that
+the tickets were only intended to be exchanged for counterfeit bread.
+
+       ***
+
+"The enemies' desire," says KING LUDWIG of Bavaria, "will he dashed to
+pieces against our troops, who are accustomed to victory." A number
+of the victors who are now eating themselves in behind our positions
+profess to be absolutely nauseated with it.
+
+       ***
+
+Five million four hundred thousand pigs, says Herr BATOCKI, have
+"mysteriously disappeared" in Germany in the last year. The idea of
+having the CROWN PRINCE'S baggage searched does not seem to have been
+found feasible.
+
+       ***
+
+A festival performance of _Parsifal_ is to be given in Charlottenburg,
+to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Jutland. The proposal to
+substitute the more topical opera, _The Flying Deutschmann_, has been
+received without favour.
+
+       ***
+
+"With such troops," says the CROWN PRINCE, "we could fetch the Devil
+from Hell." We have always maintained that the German military route
+lay on a direct line to Potsdam.
+
+       ***
+
+A Manchester man writes to say that he has not heard the cuckoo this
+year. What England hears to-day Manchester may hear next month.
+
+       ***
+
+A Norfolk lady has left an annuity of seventy pounds for the support
+of her two favourite cats. Since the announcement of this windfall we
+understand that the beneficiaries have been overwhelmed with offers of
+marriage.
+
+       ***
+
+"The bascules of the Tower Bridge were lifted 3,354 times last year,"
+says a news item. Yet there are those who pretend that petty crime is
+on the decrease.
+
+       ***
+
+Arundel proposes to have a house-to-house collection of bones. The
+Borough Engineer is understood to be completing specifications for a
+dog-proof trouser which will be a part of the collector's uniform.
+
+       ***
+
+The Islington Borough Council report that in the Lady Day quarter only
+ten per cent, of the residents had removed without paying their rates.
+The inhabitants of the New Cut now accuse Islington residents of
+losing their nerve.
+
+       ***
+
+"Ipswich," says a daily paper, "is fighting a rat plague by putting
+a penny on the head of every rat captured in the borough." The
+arrangement with birds is of course different, You put salt on their
+tails and capture them afterwards.
+
+       ***
+
+The new restrictions on the use of starch will, says Captain BATHURST,
+affect the wearing of starched garments. It is expected that in
+the House of Lords Lord SPENSER and Lord HARCOURT will join in an
+impassioned plea that, until the shortage grows more acute, really
+well-dressed men should be allowed to compromise on stiff dickeys.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the surveyor receiving increased powers the work of
+conscientious objectors on the roads in East Essex has improved. Mr.
+OUTHWAITE, we hear, will ask in Parliament whether under these
+powers the surveyor has actually threatened to give one conscientious
+objector a good hard slap.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that Mexico has promised to stand by America on
+condition that if she takes this step on the side of law and order
+America will raise no objection to her having a revolution now and
+then just to keep her hand in.
+
+       ***
+
+Allotment-holders in all parts of the country say that their gardens
+need rain very badly, and _The Daily Mail_ is going to take the matter
+up.
+
+       ***
+
+It was stated by a defendant at Wandsworth County Court that his house
+was haunted, the bell being rung several times without any visible
+human instrumentality. The "Hidden Hand" again!
+
+       ***
+
+To enjoy good health, says Dr. A. FISHER in an American journal, we
+should occasionally sleep for twelve hours on end. We confess that
+we may be faddy in these things, but when sleeping we prefer the
+horizontal position.
+
+       ***
+
+"One hundred thousand tons of sugar is wasted each year," says
+Mrs. PEEL, "through being left in the bottom of the teacup." A
+correspondent points out that if that amount has ever been left in the
+bottom of his teacup it was an oversight.
+
+       ***
+
+The German people, says the _Koelnische Zeitung_, will not soon
+forget what they owe to their future Emperor. The CROWN PRINCE, while
+thanking them for their kindly intention, privately expressed a wish
+that they would not keep rubbing it in.
+
+       ***
+
+According to _The Express_, every British theatrical star who plays in
+America is regarded as the best that England has ever sent out. Until
+he has heard from Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN, Sir HERBERT TREE is holding
+back his message, which reads, "That is so."
+
+       ***
+
+A workman at a brewery last week fell into a large vat of beer. It is
+given to few men thus to realise the dream of a lifetime.
+
+       ***
+
+All vendors of comic postcards at Llanfairfeehan, North Wales, are
+to be asked by the Town Council to cover them up on Sundays. We
+understand that comic postcards may be differentiated from others by
+the word "Comic" plainly printed on the card.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Daily Mail_ has just celebrated its twenty-first birthday, and
+the silence of the POET LAUREATE on the matter is being adversely
+commented upon.
+
+       ***
+
+The Anarchist, LENIN, says the Swedish _Dagblad_, has been missing for
+two days. Even before that he never really seemed to make a hit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRIBE.
+
+"WHO GOES THERE?" "K--KAMERAD--MIT SOUVENIRS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEREINAFTERS.
+
+I.
+
+There are people in the world called tenants. I think nothing of them;
+Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of
+them. However, as this is not so much a grammar as an explanation, I
+will get on with it.
+
+For the last two years we have been letting our flat. Naturally Celia
+has had to do most of the work; my military duties have prevented
+me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off and on,
+inspecting my fellow-soldiers' feet, seeing their boots mended and
+imploring them to get their hair cut that I have had no time for
+purely domestic matters. Celia has let the flat; I have merely
+allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, taken
+the money.
+
+Our tenants have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think
+much more of their own comfort as tenants than of our happiness as
+landlords. They are always wanting things done for them. When they
+want things done for them, then I am firm. Celia may be a shade the
+more businesslike of the two, but I am the firmer. I am adamant.
+
+Take the case of Mr. Toots. As the wife of an officer proceeding
+overseas, Celia let the flat to Mr. Toots at the nominal rental of
+practically nothing a week. I said it was too little when I heard
+of it, but it was then too late--Celia had already been referred to
+hereinafter as the landlord. When he had been established some
+weeks Mr. Toots wrote to say that he wanted seven different kinds of
+wine-glasses, six of each. Personally I wanted seven different kinds
+of Keating's Powder just then; tastes differ. The trouble with
+Mr. Toots was that for some reason he expected Celia to supply the
+glasses. Whether he only wanted them during his tenancy or meant
+to keep them afterwards, we never knew. In any case Celia was
+businesslike; she wrote regretting that she could not supply them.
+
+But I was firm. I sent a picture-postcard of the champagne country,
+which said quite simply, "You must not drink wine during the War. My
+husband's milk-glass is in the corner cupboard."
+
+Again, take the case of Mr. and Mrs. Winkle. After getting the flat
+practically presented to them for a small weekly bonus, they suggest
+that they should only pay half terms during the summer, as they wish
+to take the children to the seaside. Celia was for telegraphing to say
+that it was impossible. For myself I have just written the following
+letter:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--Could I consult my own feelings I would say, 'Pay
+    no rent at all during the summer. Further, why not sub-let the
+    flat to any of your own friends who can afford to give you
+    a few guineas a week for it? Nay more, let _me_ have the
+    privilege of paying your expenses at the Sunny South. What
+    do you say to the Metropole at Brighton?' But, alas, I cannot
+    speak thus; there are others to think of. The King of GREECE,
+    President WILSON, Marshal JOFFRE--I need say no more. You
+    understand. Things will have to go on as they are, except that
+    the rent will probably be doubled about July.
+
+              Yours admiringly."
+
+This letter is now waiting to go off. Celia says it is waiting for a
+stamp. Personally I don't see the necessity for a stamp.
+
+
+II.
+
+There are people in the world called owners. I think nothing of them;
+Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of
+them. However, as I said before, this is not a grammar.
+
+For the last two years we have been renting cottages. Naturally Celia
+has had to do most of the work; the cut and thrust of a soldier's life
+has prevented me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off
+and on, seeing that my fellow-soldiers have baths, getting them shaved
+and entreating them to send their socks to the wash that I have had no
+time for domestic trifles. Celia has taken the cottage; I have merely
+allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, paid
+the money.
+
+Our landlords have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think
+much more of their own comfort as landlords than of our happiness as
+tenants. They are always wanting things done for them. When they want
+things done for them, then I am firm. Indeed I am granite.
+
+Take the case of Mr. Perkins, who owns our present cottage. Celia
+borrowed the cottage from Mr. Perkins at a rental of several thousands
+a week. I said it was too much when I heard of it; but it was then too
+late--she had already been referred to hereinafter as the tenant. As
+soon as we got in we began to make it look more like a cottage; that
+is to say, we accidentally dropped the aspidistra out of the window,
+lost the chiffonier, removed most of the obstacles and entanglements
+from the drawing-room to the box-room, and replaced the lace curtains
+with chintzes. In the same spirit of altruism we improved the
+bedrooms. At the end of a week we had given Mr. Perkins a cottage of
+which any man might be proud.
+
+But there is no pleasing some people. A closer examination of the
+lease, in the hope that we had over-counted the noughts in the rental,
+revealed to us the following:--
+
+"At the expiration of the said tenancy, all furniture and effects will
+be delivered up by the tenant in the same rooms and positions in which
+they were found."
+
+Not a word of thanks, you notice, for the new avenues of beauty which
+we had opened out for him; no gratitude for the great revelation that
+art was not bounded by aspidistras nor comfort by chiffoniers; nothing
+but that old reactionary spirit to which, if I may speak of lesser
+things, the Russian Revolution was due. Like Mr. Perkins, the Bourbons
+learned nothing and forgot nothing.
+
+Naturally I wrote to Mr. Perkins:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--I regret to inform you that the aspidistra has
+    perished. It never took kindly to us and started wilting on
+    the second day. As regards other _objets d'art_ once in the
+    drawing-room, but now seeking the seclusion of the box-room,
+    we are in a little difficulty. Before letting it go my
+    wife took the bearing of the marble how-now from the bamboo
+    what-not and made it 28 deg. 20', quite forgetting, unfortunately,
+    that the what-not had also decided to lie fallow for a season.
+    Consequently, while the direction of the what-not-how-now
+    line is definitely fixed, their actual positions remain
+    unestablished. Is it too much to hope that when the time comes
+    for them to seek again the purer air of the drawing-room they
+    will be able to rely upon the guidance of an old friend like
+    yourself rather than upon that of two comparative strangers?
+
+              Yours anxiously."
+
+
+III.
+
+Sometimes I wonder what Mr. Perkins would say if I suggested paying
+half-rent during the winter.
+
+Sometimes Celia wonders what she will say if she finds that Mrs.
+Winkle has re-arranged all her furniture for her.
+
+"We might," said Celia, looking at the two letters, "send the Perkins
+one to Mrs. Winkle and the Winkle one to Mr. Perkins."
+
+"Why?" I asked.
+
+"Just to show how broad-minded we are," said Celia.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ECONOMY.
+
+Seen in a Birmingham shop window:
+
+"SECOND & FURNITURE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BAD DREAM.
+
+SPECTRE. "WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF ME, EAT LESS BREAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE SPY-TRAIL.
+
+Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter with Jones
+minimus, he was so gloomy.
+
+He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven. Jimmy had to
+tell him not to say such wicked things, because sometimes when you
+wished things like that they came true, and then where would Jones
+minimus be?
+
+Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but it turned
+out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost or mislaid it,
+he told Jimmy.
+
+It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another shilling to
+make 15s. 6d., and then in five years they gave you one pound, and it
+was because of the compound interest someone invented.
+
+Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and asked if they
+had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing his pig. Jimmy says it
+wanders off for a walk nearly every day talking to itself and going
+into gardens and relishing things. It is a very good relisher, Jimmy
+says.
+
+Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home circles;
+but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its way.
+
+You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on its back.
+
+Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at sight next
+time.
+
+Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put butter on its
+feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus suddenly remembered.
+He had put the War Loan in his algebra book and left it in Jimmy's
+garden. Jimmy says it was a good thing they went back when they did,
+because when he got home he found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy
+suspecting a chimney-sweep of being a spy; he had done it to the
+chimney-sweep's trousers, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises with his
+brush at Faithful and working his black face at him.
+
+Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a prize
+bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on guard, and
+in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is it?"
+
+Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the chimney-sweep's
+face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy that he was travelling the
+country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy said that they had already had
+theirs swept, because a cat got in their dining-room and Jimmy had put
+in his bloodhound to tell it to go out.
+
+Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but couldn't
+find it, and they were just giving up in despair when they heard
+Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his kennel, and there
+it was.
+
+Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was busy
+solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War Loan.
+
+[Illustration: _Scandalised N.S. Volunteer_. "'INDENBURG's WATCHIN'
+YER!"]
+
+Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they took the
+algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him back again, as he
+said it was no good to him, and perhaps Faithful would find out how to
+catch another German spy, or else how to make up the War Loan to 15s.
+6d.
+
+Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way he
+tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones minimus's
+mouth water.
+
+Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just beginning
+to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there was the milkman's
+pig calmly standing in the garden next door, looking at him through
+the hedge and actually munching a piece of coal at him.
+
+Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like anything, and when
+the pig began flapping his ears at him old Faithful had to go right
+into the far corner of his kennel and nurse his wrath.
+
+Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in a very
+short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when Jones minimus
+and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out Faithful at him.
+Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and walked round the garden
+sampling things and inquiring into them.
+
+Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the pig saw
+him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought he was chasing
+the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing Faithful, and they did it
+in a ring on the lawn.
+
+Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves up, because
+the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and scratched his back at
+Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept smelling the ground like
+anything.
+
+Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some places,
+but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came out and accused
+it of being there.
+
+Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a lake it
+always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But the man hadn't
+got a lake, he had only got an ornamental fountain, and the pig had
+already scratched that over with its back. The pig seemed very uneasy
+about its back, Jimmy says.
+
+Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he would remove
+the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden in five minutes.
+
+Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he thinks it
+must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very much surprised at
+Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and get to bed.
+
+Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both squeezed
+through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the pig's ear, and then
+they both went down the road, Faithful leading by about a yard, and
+looking behind him with both eyes to make sure the pig was following
+him. Jimmy says his bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the
+pig stopped to smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in
+the gutter old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging
+slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly back and
+deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand, Jimmy says. There
+they stood in silent contest for about five seconds, each trying to
+bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand the strain no
+longer, and, breaking away with all its strength, actually rushed into
+the garden of the man who had promised to shoot it at sight next time.
+
+Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden until the
+man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off tulips and browsed
+on some early peas and was making a regular meatless day of it, and
+then the man came rushing out with his gun.
+
+Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down, because the man
+was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking about things and aiming
+his gun at the pig, and the pig kept running round and round and
+getting mixed up with Faithful. Then just as Jimmy was expecting the
+gun to go off the chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from
+the back part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and
+walked right into the middle of it all.
+
+Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made
+even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the
+chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his double-barrelled
+gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and there was the
+chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air, shouting "Kamerad!" as
+hard as he could.
+
+Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's bloodhound
+had actually made up the War Loan to 15s. 6d., and caught a German spy
+at the same time, with nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course
+Jimmy knew how old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what
+a really prize bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous
+equations, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Newcomer_ (_to veteran sanitary orderly_). "ARE YOU
+THE REG'LAR GARD'NER, OR JUST IN FOR THE DAY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Scheinboden, who is very well known as a partisan of the
+    'Mailed Fish.'"--_Manchester Evening News_.
+
+The very man for a submarine campaign.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The main goal for which our troops went was the Oppy switch
+    line, a hastily constructed main goal for which our troops
+    went was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed trench
+    system by which the Germans have extended their Hindenburg
+    line northwards."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been rather
+hastily constructed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL SERVICE;
+
+OR, THE SINGLE EYE.
+
+  Good Jones, who saw his duty plain,
+  Resolved he would not live in vain;
+  He bought some land and made a start,
+  He gave up literature and art,
+  He studied books on what to grow,
+  He studied Mr. PROTHERO;
+  He worked from early dawn till ten,
+  Then went to town like other men,
+  And in his office he would stand
+  Expatiating on the land.
+  Prom five again he worked till eight,
+  Although it made his dinner late;
+  He could not tear himself away,
+  He could not leave his native clay.
+  At last, his energy all spent,
+  He put his tools away and went,
+  Took off his suit of muddy tan,
+  Became a clean and cultured man,
+  And settled firmly down to dine.
+  On fish and fowl and meat and wine
+  And bread as much as he might need;
+  And while he dined he used to read
+  What PROTHERO had said last night,
+  And felt that he was doing right.
+  He didn't notice food was short;
+  He quite forgot Lord DEVONPORT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO CONSTABLES.
+
+It happened one evening when my wife was staying away with her mother,
+in the dark months of last winter, when we were without servants, and
+I was glad to have received an invitation from my neighbour Jones to
+dinner.
+
+He and his wife welcomed me warmly, and their rather unintelligent
+maid had just brought in the saddle of mutton--a great weakness of
+mine--when we heard a firm knock on the hall door. She returned to say
+that someone wanted to speak to Mr. Brown immediately. "Who is it?"
+I demanded. "I don't know, Sir," said the girl, "but he looks like a
+policeman."
+
+"I hope nothing has happened to your wife," said Mrs. J. anxiously.
+"Or her mother," added Jones rather cynically.
+
+The man at the door was certainly a policeman, and an elderly one, and
+had probably been recalled from pension when the War broke out.
+
+"Good evening, Sir," he said, staring hard at me. "Are you
+Mr. Brown"--I nodded--"of Myrtle Villa, next door"--he eyed me
+suspiciously--"No. 17?"
+
+"Yes, yes," I said impatiently; "what of it?"
+
+"I must ask you for your name and address, Sir," pulling out his
+note-book, "for showing a strong light at the back of the 'ouse at 8
+P.M."
+
+"That's all nonsense," I answered impatiently; "the house is empty."
+
+"Excuse me, Sir, I saw it myself from the road at the back and came
+straight round," said he with his notebook ready.
+
+"But it can't be," I said, getting annoyed.
+
+At this moment a Special came running down the path. "They're coming,"
+he panted.
+
+"Who are?" I asked. "No one's been invited but myself."
+
+"The engines."
+
+"But I haven't ordered any," said I.
+
+"I gave the alarm myself," he added proudly.
+
+Jones's rather unintelligent maid had been standing by my side the
+whole time. "Excuse me, Sir," she said, "I don't know, but I think
+there's something wrong with your 'ouse--the little room at the back,
+where you sit and smoke of an evenin'. There's been a big light there
+for some time--a wobbly one. I don't know, Sir, but I think the 'ouse
+is a-fire."
+
+"_What?_" I yelled, and dashed aside the two varieties of
+constabulary. Yes, it was all true. The strong light at the back of
+the house--a wobbly one--was rapidly becoming a glow in the heavens,
+as they say in journalese. I stood and looked at it, staggered for the
+moment, when I heard a cheer and saw the engines coming. I dashed
+for my front-door, but found myself forcibly dragged back. It was the
+Special, who seemed to be having the time of his life.
+
+"No one allowed to enter a burning building," said he importantly.
+
+"But I must," I cried; "there are some valuable papers----"
+
+"No one allowed to enter," he repeated firmly--he seemed to have
+learned it by heart--"except the firemen and police."
+
+"Well, you go in and get them then. I'll----"
+
+"Pass along, please," he said quite suddenly, as a new phase of his
+duties seemed to occur to him, and I found myself edged back towards
+the crowd.
+
+Now I had to have those papers, and an idea occurred to me, so I
+stopped. "I say, how about your dinner? You'll miss it altogether. I
+don't want to keep you. Perhaps if you hurry off at once----"
+
+"Dinner," he cried indignantly, gripping me fiercely by the arm--"what
+is dinner compared with duty? Do you know, man, I've been doing this
+bally Special business for over two years and never had a case yet,
+and now that I've got a real fire--and this is my own fire, mind you,
+my very own----"
+
+"I thought it was mine," I ventured.
+
+"You talk to me of dinner! Pass right along, please;" and I found
+myself back among the crowd, who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it.
+
+There was a small cheer just then as the flames came through the
+roof. Of Jones and his wife I saw nothing, but supposed they must have
+stayed on to enjoy their saddle of mutton, and wondered if they had
+kept mine hot for me. I could have kept it hot in my own house, I
+reflected rather miserably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The fire had been extinguished. As the crowd dispersed I felt a touch
+on my shoulder. It was the elderly constable, note-book in hand.
+"You are Mr. Brown, Sir, of Myrtle Villa?" he inquired patiently. "I
+haven't had your name and address yet, Sir, for showing an unguarded
+light at the rear of the premises at 8 P.M."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Plain Cook (good). Wanted for country house; six
+    kept."--_Devon and Exeter Gazette_.
+
+Too many; sure to spoil the broth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Irish Party cars are placarded with posters calling on
+    the electors to vote for 'Unity and Party,' and there are the
+    cryptic words, '1/8 Up. M'Kenna.'"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+But as the result of the election Mr. MCKENNA went to a slight
+discount.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHATEAU IN FRANCE.
+
+  Artists reared it in courtly ages;
+    WATTEAU and FRAGONARD limned its walls;
+  Powdered lackeys and negro pages
+    Served the great in its shining halls;
+  Minstrels played, in its salons, stately
+    Minuets for a jewelled king,
+  And radiant gallants bowed sedately
+    To lovely Pompadours curtseying.
+
+  Pigeons cooed in its dovecots shady;
+    Down in the rose-walk fountains played;
+  Many a lovelorn lord and lady
+    Here in the moonlight sighed and strayed;
+  Here was beauty and love and laughter,
+    Splendour and eminence bravely won;
+  But now two walls and a blackened rafter
+    Grimly tell the tale of the Hun.
+
+  My lady's chamber is dust and ashes;
+    The painted salons are charred with fire;
+  The dovecot pitted with shrapnel splashes,
+    The park a tangle of trench and wire;
+  Shell-holes yawn in the ferns and mosses;
+    Stripped and torn is the avenue;
+  Down in the rose-walk humble crosses
+    Grow where my lady's roses grew.
+
+  Yet in the haunted midnight hours,
+    When star-shells droop through the shattered trees,
+  Steal they back to their ancient bowers,
+    Beau Brocade and his Belle Marquise?
+  Greatly loving and greatly daring--
+    Fancy, perhaps, but the fancy grips,
+  _For a junior subaltern woke up swearing
+    That a gracious lady had kissed his lips._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+From a butcher's advertisement:--
+
+   "TOUGH & INDIFFERENT MEAT
+     IS DEAR AT ANY PRICE.
+             TRY
+        ------  & Sons
+  And prove it for yourselves."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A certain amount of discussion took place, and it was
+    acknowledged that the number of horses in training had been
+    exagggerated."--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+Nevertheless there is certainly one gee too many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Lokalanzeiger_ publishes an appeal for a new German National
+Anthem. We understand that the best composition that has been sent in
+up to the time of going to press begins as follows:--
+
+  Who is WILLIAM? What is he
+  That all our swine adore him?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: _The Plough Girl_. "NOW THEN, MABEL, NOT SO MUCH POSING
+OR YOU'LL HAVE THE HORSES BUMPING INTO THAT RAINBOW."]
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_regarding the mannequin_). "I DON'T THINK
+THAT DRESS WOULD REALLY SUIT ME. CHIN-CHIN DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT
+IT EITHER."]
+
+[Illustration: THE UNHAPPY DINER WHO HAS BEEN REFUSED A SECOND
+HELPING.]
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Martin Harvey_.--"IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER
+_HAMLET_ THAN ANYONE HAS EVER DONE."]
+
+[Illustration: THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION OF THE BRETON AND THE BISHOP.]
+
+[Illustration: _The Terrier_. "EXCUSE ME, GUV'NOR, BUT WHEN YOU'VE
+FINISHED READING THE DESPATCHES YOU MIGHT LOOK AND SEE IF THEY'RE
+GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT _US_."]
+
+[Illustration: _The Angel and the Veteran_ (_to conscientious
+objector_). "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID _YOU_ DO IN THE GREAT WAR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JOLLY BARGEMAN.
+
+  I've put the old mare's tail in plaits, now ain't she lookin' gay?
+  With ribbons in 'er mane as well--you'd think it First o' May;
+  For why? we're under Government, though it ain't just plain to me
+  If we're in the Civil Service or the Admiralitee.
+
+  An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," oh, we'll do the best we're able,
+  For we're servin' of our country an' we're 'elpin' 'er to win;
+  An' when the War is over then we'll all lie down in clover,
+  With a drink all together at the "Navigation Inn"!
+
+  I brought the news to Missis, an' to 'er these words did say,
+  "Just chuck yon old broom-'andle an' a two-three nails this way,
+  We're bound to 'ave a flagstaff for our old red-white-and-blue,
+  For since we're under Government we'll 'ave our ensign too."
+
+  The Navy is the Navy, an' it sails upon the sea;
+  The Army is the Army, an' on land it 'as to be;
+  There's the land an' there's the water, 'an the Cut comes in
+          between,
+  And I don't know what you'd call me if it ain't an 'Orse Marine.
+
+  The Missis sits upon the barge the same's she used to sit,
+  But they'll 'ave 'er in the papers now for doin' of her bit;
+  An' I walk upon the tow-path 'ere as proud as anything--
+  If I 'aven't got no uniform I'm serving of the KING.
+
+  An' it's "Gee-hup, Mabel," an' we'll do the best we're able,
+    For the country's been an' called us, an' we've got to 'elp to
+          win;
+  An' when the War is over, oh, we'll all lie down in clover,
+    With a drink all together at the "Navigation Inn."
+
+C.F.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR MIXED ARMY.
+
+_First Recruit_. "'ERE--TELL OLD BALD-'EAD TO BUNG THE SALT OVER."
+
+_Second Recruit_. "ER--MIGHT I TROUBLE YOU FOR THE SALT, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPEN DOOR.
+
+Mr. Punch has thought that some of his hospitable readers might be
+glad to have the opportunity of giving the welcome of their houses,
+in however simple a way, to Australian soldiers on leave, who would
+greatly appreciate the chance of seeing something of English home
+life. An "Invitation Bureau" has been opened at the "Anzac" Buffet,
+94, Victoria Street, where offers of entertainment should be
+addressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Military Representative appealed against the exemption
+    of William Blake, aged 35, unmarried, a slaughterman in the
+    employment of Mr. George Rigg, pork butcher. The Military
+    Representative suggested that Mr. Rigg should slaughter
+    himself. Mr. Rigg stated that he could not slaughter
+    himself."--_Carlisle Journal_.
+
+Compare _The Mikado_:--
+
+_Koko_. "Besides, I don't see how a man could cut off his own head."
+
+_Pooh-Bah_. "A man might try."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HIS LATEST.
+
+THE KAISER. "THIS IS SORRY WORK FOR A HOHENZOLLERN; STILL, NECESSITY
+KNOWS NO TRADITIONS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 7th_.--The Royal House has found an unexpected defender
+in Mr. OUTHWAITE. He alone has perceived the hidden danger underlying
+the recent proposal of the Lower House of Convocation to restore
+KING CHARLES I. to his old place in the Church Calendar. This, he
+considers, is a direct encouragement to the persons who seek the
+restoration of the Stuart dynasty, and would make Prince RUPPRECHT of
+Bavaria heir-apparent to the British Throne. The House was relieved
+to hear from Mr. BRACE that there was no immediate danger of this
+contingency. Indeed, Prince RUPPRECHT has had so much trouble already
+with his prospective subjects that he has probably no desire for their
+closer acquaintance.
+
+Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY is ordinarily a chirpy little person, quite
+able to take care of himself. But he was obviously depressed by his
+inability to furnish a plausible reason why two food-ships, having
+arrived safely in home ports, should have been sent away undischarged,
+with the result that they were torpedoed and their cargoes lost. The
+statement that he was "still inquiring" brought no comfort to the
+House of (Short) Commons. Why doesn't the SHIPPING CONTROLLER organise
+a Flying Squadron of dock-labourers?
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. BONAR LAW_ (_to Mr. MCKENNA_). "AS ONE CHANCELLOR
+OF THE EXCHEQUER TO ANOTHER, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SEVENTY
+MILLION POUNDS OUT?"]
+
+_Tuesday, May 8th_.--The official reticence regarding the names
+and exploits of our airmen was the subject of much complaint. Mr.
+MACPHERSON declared that it was quite in accordance with the wishes of
+the R.F.C. themselves. But Sir H. DALZIEL was still dissatisfied. He
+knew of a young lieutenant who had brought down forty enemy machines
+and been personally congratulated by the Commander-in-Chief, and yet
+his name was not published. It is obvious that praise even from
+Sir DOUGLAS HAIG is not the same thing as a paragraph in _Reynolds'
+Newspaper_.
+
+[Illustration: BEAU BRUMMEL BILLING GIVES THE "NO-STARCH" MOVEMENT A
+GOOD SEND-OFF.]
+
+A request for an increased boot-allowance to the Metropolitan Police
+met with a dubious reception from Mr. BRACE, who explained that
+it would involve an expenditure of many thousands of pounds. It is
+rumoured that the Home Office is considering the recruitment of a
+Bantam Force, with a view to reducing the acreage of leather required.
+
+_Wednesday, May 9th_.--If the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER should
+be accused of having taken advantage of his knowledge of the
+Budget-proposals to lay in a secret hoard of tobacco he will have no
+one to blame but himself. He solemnly assured the House that nothing
+has been brought to his notice to show that the trade is making undue
+profits. It is clear, therefore, that he has not had occasion to go
+into a tobacconist's and ask for his favourite mixture, only to find
+that his three-half-penny tax has sent the price up by twopence.
+
+By prohibiting the manufacture of starch the Government has done
+something to please Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING. The hon. Member, who has
+always affected the "soft shirts that Sister Susie sews," is flattered
+to think that he has set a fashion which must now become universal.
+When Captain BATHURST, falling into his humour, assured him that even
+BEAU BRUMMEL would accept the position with patriotic resignation,
+Mr. BILLING felt that he had found his true vocation as an arbiter of
+taste.
+
+In moving a Vote of Credit for the unexampled sum of five hundred
+millions, Mr. BONAR LAW apologised for a slight error in his Budget
+statement. He had then estimated the expenditure of the country at
+five and a half millions a day. Owing to fortuitous circumstances, the
+amount for the first thirty-five days of the financial year had turned
+out to be seven and a half millions a day. Mr. MCKENNA, conscious
+of some similar lapses in calculation during his own time at the
+Exchequer, handsomely condoned the mistake. Still one felt that
+it strengthened the stentorian plea for economy made by Mr. J.A.R.
+MARRIOTT in a maiden speech that would perhaps have been better if
+it had not been quite so good. The House is accustomed to a little
+hesitation in its novices and does not like to be lectured even by an
+Oxford don.
+
+[Illustration: THE SECRET SESSION.
+
+_WINSTON._ "NO REPORT OF SPEECHES. IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH WHILE."]
+
+The debate produced a number of speeches more suitable for the Secret
+Session that was to follow. Our enemies will surely be heartened when
+they read the criticisms passed by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT, an ex-Minister
+of the Crown, upon our Naval policy, and by Mr. DILLON on the Salonika
+Expedition; and they will not understand that the one is dominated
+by the belief that no Board of Admiralty that does not include Lord
+FISHER can possibly be efficient; and that the other is congenitally
+unable to believe anything good of British administration in Ireland
+or elsewhere.
+
+For once Mr. BONAR LAW took the gloves off to Mr. DILLON, and told him
+plainly that more attention would be paid to his criticism if he was
+himself doing something to help in the prosecution of the War.
+
+_Thursday, May 10th_.--I gather from Mr. SPEAKER'S report of the
+Secret Session that nothing sensational was revealed. The PRIME
+MINISTER'S "encouraging account of the methods adopted to meet the
+submarine attack" was not much more explicit, I infer, than the speech
+which Lord CURZON was making simultaneously, _urbi et orbi_, in the
+House of Lords, or Mr. ASQUITH would not have observed--again I quote
+the official report--that "hardly anything had been said which could
+not have been said openly."
+
+That none of the Nationalists should have addressed the House was
+perhaps less due to their constitutional reticence than to the
+depressing effect of the South Longford election, where their nominee
+was defeated by the Sinn Fein candidate--one MCGUINNESS, and evidently
+a stout fellow. But it is odd to find that the debate was conducted
+without the assistance of Messrs. BILLING, PRINGLE and HOGGE. Their
+eloquent silence was a protest, no doubt, against the eviction of the
+reporters. Mr. CHURCHILL was probably suffering equal anguish,
+but with patriotic self-sacrifice he refused to deprive his
+fellow-legislators of the privilege of hearing once again his views on
+the conduct of War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Smith_ (_to Mr. Smith, who has just been examined
+by Army Medical Board_). "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY TO YER?"
+
+_Mr. Smith_. "'E SEZ TO ME, 'YOU'VE GOT A STIGMA AN' A CONGENIAL
+SQUINT.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JILL-OF-ALL-TRADES AND MISTRESS OF MANY.
+
+    [_The Daily Chronicle_, writing on women farmers, quotes the
+    tribute of HUTTON, the historian, to a Derbyshire lady who
+    died at Matlock in 1854: "She undertakes any kind of manual
+    labour, as holding the plough, driving the team, thatching
+    the barn, using the flail; but her chief avocation is
+    breaking horses at a guinea per week. She is fond of Pope and
+    Shakespeare, is a self-taught and capable instrumentalist, and
+    supports the bass viol in Matlock Church."]
+
+  Though in the good old-fashioned days
+    The feminine factotum rarely
+  Was honoured with a crown of bays
+    When she had won it fairly;
+  She did emerge at times like one
+    For manual work a perfect glutton,
+  Blue-stocking half, half Amazon,
+    As chronicled by HUTTON.
+
+  But now you'll find her counterpart
+    In almost every English village--
+  A mistress of the arduous art
+    Of scientific tillage,
+  Who cheerfully resigns the quest
+    Of all that makes a woman charming,
+  And shows an even greater zest
+    For gardening and farming.
+
+  She used to petrify her dons;
+    She was a most efficient bowler;
+  But now she's baking barley scones
+    To help the FOOD CONTROLLER;
+  Good _Mrs. Beeton_ she devours,
+    And not the dialogues of PLATO,
+  And sets above the Cult of Flowers
+    The Cult of the Potato.
+
+  The studious maid whose classic brow
+    Was high with conscious pride of learning
+  Now grooms the pony, milks the cow,
+    And takes a hand at churning;
+  And one I know, whose music had
+    Done credit to her educators,
+  Has sold her well-beloved "Strad"
+    To purchase incubators!
+
+  The object of this humble lay
+    Is not to minimize the glory
+  Of women of an earlier day
+    Whose deeds are shrined in story;
+  'Tis only to extol the grit
+    Of clever girls--and none work harder--
+  Who daily do their toilsome "bit"
+    To stock the nation's larder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Overburdened Mother_. "GIT A MOVE ON, ALBERT--KEEPIN'
+THE 'OLE BLOOMIN' WORLD BACK--AN' A WAR ON, TOO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF OUR DIFFICULTIES.
+
+Under this title I refer to a lady whom I will call Mrs. Legion, for
+there are many of her all over the country, bless her conservative old
+heart. She has been in service as cook or cook-housekeeper most of her
+life (she is now getting on in years), and constant preoccupation
+with kitchen affairs has somewhat narrowed her outlook, so that the
+circumvention of the butcher, whose dominant idea (she believes) is to
+provide her with indifferent joints, is more to her than the defeat of
+HINDENBURG; and so far as she is concerned the main theatre of the
+War is neither Europe nor the Atlantic, but the coal merchant's yard,
+which disgorges its treasure so grudgingly. Not only is her first
+thought for her cooking, in order--the transition to her second
+thought is automatic--that her employer or employers may be
+comfortable; but it is her last thought too.
+
+With such singleness of purpose to crystallize her, she cannot
+absorb even the gravest of warnings; not from unwillingness or stupid
+obstinacy, but from sheer inability to grasp any novelty. That her
+beloved master and mistress--either or both--should not have the
+best of everything and plenty of it is, at this advanced stage in
+her career, unthinkable. Even though she read it in print she would
+disregard it, for her attitude to them papers is sceptical; even Lord
+NORTHCLIFFE, with all his many voices, dulcet or commanding, has wooed
+in vain.
+
+I imagine that the milkman, from whom she heard of the War and whom
+she thinks (for his class) a sagacious fellow, has warned her against
+the Press. Anyway she has refused--and will, I fancy, never relent--to
+allow any extreme idea of food shortage to disturb her routine.
+
+"Look here, Mrs. Legion," you say, "really, you know"--you don't like,
+or you have lost the power, to be too firm with her after all these
+years of friendliness--"really we mustn't have toast any more."
+
+"Not toast!"
+
+"No, not any more. In fact"--a light laugh here--"I'm going to do
+without bread altogether directly."
+
+"Do without bread!" This with much more alarmed surprise than if you
+had declared your intention of forswearing clothes.
+
+"Yes; the Government want us to eat less bread. In fact we must, you
+know; and toast is particularly wasteful, they say."
+
+"There's no waste in this house, Sir [or 'M]." This with a touch
+of acerbity, for Mrs. Legion is not without pride. "No one can ever
+accuse me of waste. I'm not vain, but that I will say."
+
+"No, no," you hasten to reply, "of course not; but things have reached
+such a point, you know, that even the strictest economy and care have
+got to be made more strict. That's all. And toast has to be stopped,
+I'm afraid."
+
+"Very well, Sir [or 'M], if you wish it. But I can't say that I
+understand what it all means."
+
+And that evening, which is meatless and is given up largely to
+asparagus (just beginning, thank God!), you certainly see no toast in
+the rack, but find that the tender green faggot reposes on a slab of
+it large enough to feed several children.
+
+Mrs. Legion may go to church, but her real religion is concerned far
+more with her employers' bodies than with her own soul; and among the
+cardinal tenets of her faith is the necessity for dinner to be hot.
+You may have a cold lunch, but everything at dinner must have been
+cooked especially for that meal, all circling about the joint, or a
+bird, like satellite suns.
+
+How to cleave such a rock of tradition? How to bring the old Tory into
+line with the new rules and yet not break her heart?
+
+"And, Mrs. Legion," you say, not too boldly, and at the end of
+some other remark, "we'll have yesterday's leg of mutton for dinner
+to-night, with a salad."
+
+"Cold mutton for dinner?" she replies dully.
+
+"Yes--now the weather's getting warmer it's much nicer. It will save
+coal too. Just the mutton and a salad. No potatoes."
+
+"No potatoes!" Surely the skies are falling, says her accent. You have
+been eating mashed potatoes, done with cream and a dash of beetroot in
+it, with cold meat, at lunch, for years.
+
+"No, no--we mustn't eat potatoes any more. Haven't you heard?"
+
+"I heard something about it, yes. But aren't we to eat those we've
+got?"
+
+"No, we must give them away. Remember, just cold mutton and salad.
+And no toast." You are getting more confidence. "Never toast any
+more"--another light laugh--"never any more!"
+
+And at dinner there are the cold mutton and salad all right; but to
+your horror you are asked first to eat a slice of salmon with two
+boiled potatoes.
+
+"Good heavens!" you say, "what's this?"
+
+"Well, Sir [or 'M], the fishmonger called, and as I felt sure the cold
+meat couldn't be enough for you...."
+
+Summoning all your courage you protest again, adding, "And another
+thing, Mrs. Legion; you mustn't make any more pastry. The flour can't
+be spared. It's not only bread we've got to be careful about, but
+everything made with flour."
+
+"Then what's the flour for?"
+
+"That's all right. But it's got to be saved."
+
+"I don't understand, Sir [or 'M]. I can't see why it shouldn't be used
+if we have it."
+
+"No. The idea is that every one should go without flour as much as
+possible, and then there will be more and it will last longer. More
+for other people."
+
+"My duty is to this house, Sir [or 'M]. But the flour's so coarse and
+brown it's hardly worth using, anyhow. I never saw such stuff. It's a
+scandal. But I'm truly sorry if I've disappointed you. All I want to
+do is my duty."
+
+"You have, Mrs. Legion, you have. You've been splendid; but the time
+has come now to eat less and to eat more simply. Is that clear?"
+
+"Well, I hear you right enough, Sir [or 'M], but I can't say I
+understand it. War or no war, I don't hold with folks being starved."
+
+And there it breaks off, only, of course, to begin again.
+
+That is Mrs. Legion!--one of the hardest nuts that Lord DEVONPORT has
+to crack. She doesn't hold with Lords poking their noses into people's
+kitchens, anyway. That's not her idea of how Lords ought to behave.
+Lords not only ought to be gentlefolk, and be fed and waited upon and
+live in affluent idleness, but super-gentlefolk. But then she doesn't
+hold with many modern things. She doesn't (for one) hold with the War.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant-Major_. "AIN'T YOU GOT THAT BIVVY BUILT YET,
+ME LAD? GAWD BLESS MY SOUL, I COULD HA' KNITTED IT IN HALF THE TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"WANTED A HUSBAND."
+
+You will easily guess that a comedy (or farce) in which a woman is
+reduced to advertising in the Press for a husband belongs to the
+ante-bellum era, before the glad eye of the flapper became a permanent
+feature of the landscape. Indeed Mr. CYRIL HARCOURT'S play might
+belong to just any year since the time when women first began to write
+those purple tales of passion that are so bad for the morals of the
+servants' hall. It was simply to get copy for this kind of stuff that
+_Mabel Vere_ (most improbably pretty in the person of Miss GLADYS
+COOPER) advertised for a husband, for this post had already been
+assigned to the dullest and stuffiest of _fiances_. I dare not
+think how the theme might have been treated in French hands, but Mr.
+HARCOURT is very firm about the proprieties. My only fear was that the
+gallery might mistake his rather second-rate people for gentlefolk.
+In what kind of club, I wonder, do members reply to matrimonial
+advertisements and make bets about the result of their applications?
+I should be sorry to think that anybody attributes such conduct to the
+_habitues_ of the Athenaeum.
+
+[Illustration: THE DISCOMFITURE OF A KITCHEN LOTHARIO.
+
+  _Captain Corkoran_ ......... MR. MALCOLM CHERRY.
+  _Adams_ (_a butler_) ....... MR. ERNEST HENDRIE.
+  _Mabel Vere_ ............... MISS GLADYS COOPER.]
+
+The types that came to inspect _Mabel Vere_ were sufficiently varied.
+There was a masterful Colonial (finally ejected by a lady-friend, who
+performed a jujitsu feat which required a very palpable collusion
+on his part); a butler; an Army Officer (with a reputation for
+exploring); a gay naval thruster, and an old gentleman who ought
+to have known better. To most of them she opposed an air of
+virgin superciliousness very disappointing to their justifiable
+anticipations; but the butler promised copy, and she accepted an
+invitation to tea in his kitchen. This scene furnished some very
+excellent and natural fun, and there was really no need to introduce,
+and exploit over and over again, the hallowed device of a trip-mat,
+that last resort of the bankrupt farceur. The necessary complications
+ensued with the unexpected arrival of the master (one of the
+candidates for the lady's hand, I need not say), who makes sudden
+demand for an early dinner, a thing impossible to execute with the
+cook in a fit of hysterics induced by jealousy of the lady who had
+supplanted her in the butler's perfidious affections.
+
+In the third Act we return to _Mabel's_ flat and resume her interviews
+with the applicants for her hand. This revival of the situation of the
+First Act was a weakness in the construction. The original _fiance_--a
+wooden dummy set up for the purpose of being knocked down--is
+dismissed, and _Captain Corkoran_, the bold explorer, is appointed to
+the vacancy. He deserved his luck; but, if I wish him joy of it, I do
+so without a pang of envy, for she was much too good at back-chat for
+a quiet life, to say nothing of her taste in literature, which would
+want a deal of correction.
+
+Of course Miss GLADYS COOPER made her seem much more desirable
+than she really was. (I speak of her personal charm and not of
+her agreeable costumes, which are for the pens of more instructed
+reviewers. I got nothing out of a lady near me, whom I recognised as
+a dramatic critic by a question that her neighbour put to her. "Do you
+know this frock," she asked, "or will you have to go behind?") Apart
+from the delightful picture which Miss COOPER always presents she has
+a most swift and delicate feeling for the details of her craft.
+She has the confidence that avoids over-emphasis, and she does her
+audience the compliment of assuming that they have intelligence enough
+to understand the least of those little nods of hers that have the
+true eloquence of an under-statement. Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY was at his
+best and easiest as _Captain Corkoran_. Mr. HENDRIE handled the broad
+humour of the butler with imperturbable restraint, and Miss BARBARA
+GOTT was as fine and human a cook as I ever wish to meet in her native
+lair. Miss MARGARET FRASER, a most attractive figure, was a model for
+any housemaid on whose damask cheek the concealment of an unrequited
+passion for her master feeds like a worm i' th' bud. Altogether a
+really excellent cast.
+
+The humour of the dialogue was fresh and well sustained. Here and
+there Mr. HARCOURT permitted himself allusive refinements which
+deserved a better response, as when _Captain Corkoran_, discussing
+with _Mabel_ the menu of the dinner that she fails to cook for him,
+adapts the language of SOLOMON and says, "Fritter me apples, for I am
+sick of love." This was lost upon an audience insufficiently familiar
+with the works of that great voluptuary.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TASTY DISHES.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Food Specialist_.)
+
+Mr. Punch considers it to be his duty at the present time to show how
+an abundance of excellent and nourishing food may be obtained from the
+most unlikely materials. In doing this he is aware that he is merely
+following the example set him by countless culinary experts, who have
+communicated their ideas to the daily press; but Mr. Punch is not to
+be deterred from doing a helpful action by any paltry jealousy as to
+precedence. His readers, he knows, will be grateful to him for his
+generosity.
+
+NO. I.--FOR GENERAL USE.
+
+Take two Committees--it is not absolutely necessary that they should
+meet more than once--and, having added to them a Chairman, stew on a
+slow fire until a Secretary emerges. Turn into an enamelled saucepan
+and set to simmer over gas. Then boil up twice into resolutions and
+votes of thanks, and let the whole toast for at least three hours.
+Sprinkle with amendments and add salt and pepper to taste. Then brown
+with a salamander and serve up hot in egg-cups.
+
+NO. II.--FOR A HOUSEHOLDER IN STREATHAM OR CAMDEN TOWN.
+
+To half a tennis-lawn add two ounces of croquet-mallet and three
+arches of pergola, and reduce the whole to a fine powder. Drench with
+still lemonade and boil into a thick paste. Add two hundredweight
+of dandelions and plantains together with at least three pounds of
+garden-roller and five yards of wire-netting carefully grilled.
+Let this be roasted and basted for an hour and then flavoured
+with vantage. Turn out into a mould, and serve overhand as fast as
+possible, having first shred into the mixture half a ton of daisies or
+buttercups, according to taste.
+
+NO. III.--BEESTING JELLY FOR APIARIANS.
+
+Catch one thousand bees and extract their stings. Then throw away the
+bees and lay the stings gently but firmly on a mash composed of the
+breasts of five Buff Orpington cockerels. Sift the whole through
+a fine cloth and add the yolks of a hundred poached eggs. Beat up
+together for an hour and ten minutes. Flavour with coffee and dilute
+with elderberry wine. Allow the mixture to simmer in a hot oven and
+serve with fresh asparagus cut before breakfast.
+
+
+NO. IV.--PUNTPOLE PIE FOR RIPARIAN OWNERS.
+
+Chop into small pieces three or four puntpoles, having first melted
+down the metal shoes, and spread thin over as many canoe paddles as
+can be obtained for the purpose. Immerse the whole suddenly in
+the river and dry before a quick fire. Add one boat's rudder and
+twenty-four dab-chicks, and season with three yards of grated swans'
+necks, six barbel, four dace and a dozen gudgeon, close time for
+these fish being strictly observed. Sprinkle with cowslips and willow
+leaves, insert in a pie-dish and cover with a thick paste of bulrushes
+and marsh grass. Then set to bake for three hours, and stick four
+pigeons' claws into the crust. Picnic baskets from which the salt has
+been omitted may be shredded over the surface instead of parsley.
+
+Mr. Punch has many more recipes equally cheap and excellent, and is
+prepared to disclose them to those of his readers who may desire to
+practise a rigid economy and at the same time to enjoy an abundance of
+good food.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Recruit_ (_with exercising party_). "IF I LETS THE
+BLIGHTERS GO THE CORPORAL'LL CUSS ME INTO 'EAPS. AN' IF I 'OLDS ON TO
+'EM I'LL BREAK MY BLINKIN' NECK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE END OF THE STORY.
+
+    "Will the soldier who assisted the Gentleman with a motor
+    cycle and sidecar on the Downs on Tuesday communicate with him
+    at Greenbank Cemetery."--_Bristol Evening News_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Harry Wilson, milkman, of Devonport, has no connection of
+    any kind with Woodrow Wilson, of United States of
+    America."_Auckland Paper_.
+
+HARRY is now sorry he wrote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "The daily rations of the shirkers are:--
+      Bread . . . . . . . . . . . 9 oz.
+        (uncooked, including bone)."
+                                _Daily Mail_.
+
+The conscientious objector doesn't seem to be having such a soft time
+after all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TYRTAEUS.
+
+  When Sparta's heroes, tired of truce,
+    The fires of battle woke,
+  TYRTAEUS sang them golden lays
+  And bravely on their marching days
+    His queenly Muse outspoke.
+  TYRTAEUS' name's come down the years
+    And did deserve to do,
+  For so he dried men's eyes of tears,
+  So loosed their hearts from idle fears,
+  Stouter they thrust their ashen spears,
+    Their javelins further threw.
+
+  In those fair days TYRTAEUS' song
+    Was all men had to trust,
+  But while he hymned the coming fight
+  They did not wail, "He can't be right,"
+    They heard and cried, "He must!"
+  When men of craven soul came in--
+    Which now may Heaven forbid--
+  Then stout TYRTAEUS would begin:--
+  "Mere argument can be no sin,
+  But whining is; we're going to win."
+    And so, of course, they did.
+
+  TYRTAEUS' heart has ceased to beat,
+    But still his measures run,
+  And still abides the British Press,
+  Which men must credit, more or less,
+    To tell how things are done.
+  So by all bards with hearts of fire
+    Cheerfully be it sung,
+  That still our people may not tire
+  In doing well, but yet aspire;
+  Let these renew TYRTAEUS' lyre,
+    Let others hold their tongue.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS_.)
+
+A volume called _Curious Happenings_ (MILLS AND BOON) can boast at
+least a highly attractive, open-and-see title; to which is added, in
+the present instance, a wrapper-picture of the most intriguing brand.
+Perhaps not quite all the contents of Miss MARJORIE BOWEN'S book
+of short stories fully live up to the promise of its outside (what
+stories could?), but they have amongst them one, from which both title
+and picture are taken, of very unusual and haunting quality. So, if
+you should only be able to snatch so much time from work of National
+importance as suffices to read a single tale, begin at the start, and
+be assured of having the best. Not that the others are without their
+attractions, though one is rather gratuitously revolting. Laid in the
+picturesque eighteenth century, they all exhibit Miss BOWEN'S very
+pretty gift for costume-drama at its happiest. The trouble is that,
+with a volume of such short tales, stories of situation, one gets too
+familiar with the method--as, for example, in "The Folding Doors,"
+where a lady's husband and lover had played out their scene before the
+closed doors (with an alleged cut finger for the husband), and I
+knew only too well in what state the flinging open of the doors would
+reveal the lady herself. But perhaps I am exceptionally cursed in this
+matter; and, anyhow, a volume that contains even one story so good as
+"The Pond" is a thing for gratitude and rejoicing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I may have been wrong in turning to a novel for mental relief; anyhow,
+I have just come through one of the toughest bouts of relaxation I can
+remember, and my only solace for the slight weariness of such repose
+is the thought how much more tired the author, Mr. BASIL CREIGHTON,
+must be. With such a hail-storm of metaphor and epigram constantly
+dissolving in impalpable mist of mere words has he assaulted _The
+History of an Attraction_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) that the poor thing,
+atomised, vaporised and analysed to the bone, lies limp and lifeless
+between the covers, with hardly a decent rag of incident or story to
+cover it. And there one might perhaps be content to let it rest, but
+for the fact that _Anita_, the lady of the "Attraction," is worthy of
+a better fate. The principal man of the book, who, after much wobbling
+consideration, and in spite of his quite fortuitous marriage with some
+one else in the meantime, discovers at last that he does love _Anita_,
+is the merest peg on which to hang endless philosophisings; and so
+is his impossible wife _Janet_ herself, the lady who, after having
+accepted his dubious courtship for no particular reason, fortunately
+deserts him without any better excuse, thus clearing the way for a
+most decorous divorce and readjustment. Neither is the writer's inner
+thesis--the immoralness of ordinary morality, so far as I can make
+out--particularly agreeable; but _Anita_, though far from being the
+sort of person one would look to meet in real life, is intriguing
+after a fashion, and just possibly repays the hard work needed for the
+making of her acquaintance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss M.E.F. IRWIN, whose previous books I remember to have greatly
+enjoyed, has produced for her third a story of much originality and
+power, called _Out of the House_ (CONSTABLE). The title may perplex
+you at first. It comes from the struggles of the heroine to wrench
+herself free from encompassing family ties and the tradition of
+intermarriage, in order to join her life to the outside lover who
+calls to her. You might therefore consider it, in some sense, a story
+of eugenics, but that its outlook is emotional rather than
+scientific. Yet the _Pomfrets_, as a result of family pride and
+over-specialization, had become a sufficiently queer lot to warrant
+a normal girl in any violence of house-breaking to be free of them.
+Therein of course lies the cleverness of the book; it is full of
+atmosphere, and the atmosphere is full of dust, _Pomfret_ dust. You
+can feel how heavy to rebellious lungs must have been the air of the
+_Pomfret_ houses, where lived _Philip_, the intriguing father, and his
+sons _Anthony_ (a little mad) and _Charles_ (much more mad, but with
+at least the instincts of a lunatic gentleman). It is not, you will
+guess, precisely a lively tale, but the force of it is undeniable.
+Miss IRWIN has now more than ever proved herself a fastidious and
+careful artist, with a touch of austerity that gives weight to a tale
+so frankly one of sentiment, and she will, I hope, continue to keep
+her work above the ordinary level.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Wane of Uxenden_ (ARNOLD) seems to be one of those novels which
+may be classed as worthy in intention without being exactly happy in
+execution. Miss LEGGE has a desire to warn us all against the perils
+of monkeying with spiritism, and she has chosen the method of making
+it tiresome even to read about. Well, it is a method certainly.
+_Uxenden_ was a nice old family, which had come down to cutting its
+timber while a rich Jewish soap-and-scent-manufacturer sat rubbing his
+hands on a slice of the property, waiting for the rest of it to come
+his way. _Uxenden_ eventually waned entirely, and without tears so far
+as I was concerned. I feel sure _Mr. La Haye_ (_ne Levinstein_) would
+make a better landlord than the old squire, in spite of the prejudices
+of the countryside.... No, I am afraid it would be stretching a point
+to promise you any great entertainment from this well-intentioned but
+rather woolly book. _Brother Jenkins_, the fraud, of the Society of
+Seven, is about the most entertaining of the marionettes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady Customer_. "BUT ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS CHAIR IS
+GENUINE CHARLES II.? IT LOOKS RATHER NEW."
+
+_Fake Antique Dealer_ (_off his guard_). "I'M SORRY, MADAM, WE HAVE NO
+_REAL_ ANTIQUES IN STOCK. YOU SEE WE CAN'T GET THE LABOUR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    OUR KINDLY CRITICS.
+
+    "It is Mr. Wells's great advantage as a preacher that he has a
+    prose style instinct with life and beauty. Somewhere he speaks
+    of a cathedral as a 'Great, still place, urgent with beauty';
+    somewhere else he says, 'The necessary elements of religion
+    can be written on a postcard.'"--_Daily Chronicle_.
+
+"Callisthenes" must look to his laurels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from the letter of a lady who helps in parish work and is full
+of agricultural enthusiasm:--
+
+    "Next week I am going to start digging for the vicar."
+
+Assuming that the reverend gentleman was inadvertently buried alive,
+we deprecate this delay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 16, 1917., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15377.txt or 15377.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/7/15377/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+
diff --git a/15377.zip b/15377.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..653343f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15377.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..39cb91b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #15377 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15377)