diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:46:35 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:46:35 -0700 |
| commit | b3f8dc2a7525a53427704be6e1f804173cef4097 (patch) | |
| tree | 79922900c5541501bb0db951363fdfeee0825661 /15370-8.txt | |
Diffstat (limited to '15370-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 15370-8.txt | 5412 |
1 files changed, 5412 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/15370-8.txt b/15370-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f02a9d --- /dev/null +++ b/15370-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5412 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs, by W. S. Gilbert + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Bab Ballads and Savoy Songs + +Author: W. S. Gilbert + +Release Date: March 15, 2005 [eBook #15370] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS*** + + +E-text prepared by Juliet Sutherland and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15370-h.htm or 15370-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370/15370-h/15370-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370/15370-h.zip) + + + + + +BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS + +by + +W. H. GILBERT + +Philadelphia +Henry Altemus + + + + + + + +[Illustration: BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS + + + +[Illustration] + + + + + +CONTENTS + + +The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell" + +Captain Reece + +The Bishop and the Busman + +The Folly of Brown + +The Three Kings of Chickeraboo + +The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo + +To the Terrestrial Globe + +General John + +Sir Guy the Crusader + +King Borria Bungalee Boo + +The Troubadour + +The Force of Argument + +Only a Dancing Girl + +The Sensation Captain + +The Periwinkle Girl + +Bob Polter + +Gentle Alice Brown + +Ben Allah Achmet + +The Englishman + +The Disagreeable Man + +The Modern Major-General + +The Heavy Dragoon + +Only Roses + +They'll None of 'Em Be Missed + +The Policeman's Lot + +An Appeal + +Eheu Fugaces--! + +A Recipe + +The First Lord's Song + +When a Merry Maiden Marries + +The Suicide's Grave + +He and She + +The Lord Chancellor's Song + +Willow Waly + +The Usher's Charge + +King Goodheart + +The Tangled Skein + +Girl Graduates + +The Ape and the Lady + +Sans Souci + +The British Tar + +The Coming Bye and Bye + +The Sorcerer's Song + +Speculation + +The Duke of Plaza-Toro + +The Reward of Merit + +When I First Put This Uniform On + +Said I to Myself, Said I + +The Family Fool + +The Philosophic Pill + +The Contemplative Sentry + +Sorry Her Lot + +The Judge's Song + +True Diffidence + +The Highly Respectable Gondolier + +Don't Forget + +The Darned Mounseer + +The Humane Mikado + +The House of Peers + +The Æsthete + +Proper Pride + +The Baffled Grumbler + +The Working Monarch + +The Rover's Apology + +Would You Know + +The Magnet and the Churn + +Braid the Raven Hair + +Is Life a Boon? + +A Mirage + +A Merry Madrigal + +The Love-Sick Boy + + + + +THE BAB BALLADS. + + + + +THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL." + + + 'Twas on the shores that round our coast + From Deal to Ramsgate span, + That I found alone, on a piece of stone, + An elderly naval man. + + His hair was weedy, his beard was long, + And weedy and long was he, + And I heard this wight on the shore recite, + In a singular minor key: + + "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig." + + And he shook his fists and he tore his hair. + Till I really felt afraid; + For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, + And so I simply said: + + "Oh, elderly man it's little I know + Of the duties of men of the sea, + And I'll eat my hand if I understand + How you can possibly be + + "At once a cook, and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig." + + Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which + Is a trick all seamen larn, + And having got rid of a thumping quid, + He spun this painful yarn: + + "'Twas in the good ship _Nancy Bell_ + That we sailed to the Indian sea, + And there on a reef we come to grief, + Which has often occurred to me. + + "And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned + (There was seventy-seven o' soul), + And only ten of the _Nancy's_ men + Said 'Here!' to the muster roll. + + "There was me and the cook and the captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig. + + "For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink, + Till a-hungry we did feel, + So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot + The captain for our meal. + + "The next lot fell to the _Nancy's_ mate, + And a delicate dish he made; + Then our appetite with the midshipmite + We seven survivors stayed. + + "And then we murdered the bo'sun tight, + And he much resembled pig; + Then we wittled free, did the cook and me, + On the crew of the captain's gig. + + "Then only the cook and me was left, + And the delicate question, 'Which + Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose, + And we argued it out as sich. + + "For I loved that cook as a brother, I did, + And the cook he worshipped me; + But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed + In the other chap's hold, you see. + + "'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom, + 'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,'-- + 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, + And 'Exactly so,' quoth he. + + "Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me + Were a foolish thing to do, + For don't you see that you can't cook _me_, + While I can--and will--cook _you_!' + + "So, he boils the water, and takes the salt + And the pepper in portions true + (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot, + And some sage and parsley too. + + "'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, + Which his smiling features tell, + ''T will soothing be if I let you see, + How extremely nice you'll smell,' + + "And he stirred it round and round and round, + And he sniffed the foaming froth; + When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals + In the scum of the boiling broth. + + "And I eat that cook in a week or less, + And--as I eating be + The last of his chops, why I almost drops, + For a wessel in sight I see. + + * * * * * + + "And I never larf, and I never smile, + And I never lark nor play, + But I sit and croak, and a single joke + I have--which is to say: + + "Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, + And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, + And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, + And the crew of the captain's gig!" + + + + + +CAPTAIN REECE. + + + Of all the ships upon the blue, + No ship contained a better crew + Than that of worthy Captain Reece. + Commanding of _The Mantelpiece_. + + He was adored by all his men, + For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., + Did all that lay within him to + Promote the comfort of his crew. + + If ever they were dull or sad, + Their captain danced to them like mad, + Or told, to make the time pass by, + Droll legends of his infancy. + + A feather bed had every man, + Warm slippers and hot-water can, + Brown windsor from the captain's store, + A valet, too, to every four. + + Did they with thirst in summer burn? + Lo, seltzogenes at every turn. + And on all very sultry days + Cream ices handed round on trays. + + Then currant wine and ginger pops + Stood handily on all the "tops:" + And, also, with amusement rife, + A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." + + New volumes came across the sea + From Mister Mudie's libraree; + _The Times_ and _Saturday Review_ + Beguiled the leisure of the crew. + + Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N., + Was quite devoted to his men; + In point of fact, good Captain Reece + Beatified _The Mantelpiece_. + + One summer eve, at half-past ten, + He said (addressing all his men): + "Come, tell me, please, what I can do + To please and gratify my crew. + + "By any reasonable plan + I'll make you happy if I can; + My own convenience count as _nil_; + It is my duty, and I will." + + Then up and answered William Lee, + (The kindly captain's coxswain he, + A nervous, shy, low-spoken man) + He cleared his throat and thus began: + + "You have a daughter, Captain Reece, + Ten female cousins and a niece, + A ma, if what I'm told is true, + Six sisters, and an aunt or two. + + "Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, + More friendly-like we all should be. + If you united of 'em to + Unmarried members of the crew. + + "If you'd ameliorate our life, + Let each select from them a wife; + And as for nervous me, old pal, + Give me your own enchanting gal!" + + Good Captain Reece, that worthy man, + Debated on his coxswain's plan: + "I quite agree," he said. "O Bill; + It is my duty, and I will. + + "My daughter, that enchanting gurl, + has just been promised to an earl, + And all my other familee + To peers of various degree. + + "But what are dukes and viscounts to + The happiness of all my crew? + The word I gave you I'll fulfil; + It is my duty, and I will. + + "As you desire it shall befall, + I'll settle thousands on you all, + And I shall be, despite my hoard, + The only bachelor on board." + + The boatswain of _The Mantelpiece_, + He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece: + "I beg your honor's leave," he said, + "If you wish to go and wed, + + "I have a widowed mother who + Would be the very thing for you-- + She long has loved you from afar, + She washes for you, Captain R." + + The captain saw the dame that day-- + Addressed her in his playful way-- + "And did it want a wedding ring? + It was a tempting ickle sing! + + "Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, + We'll all be married this day week-- + At yonder church upon the hill; + It is my duty, and I will!" + + The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, + And widowed ma of Captain Reece, + Attended there as they were bid; + It was their duty, and they did. + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN. + + + It was a Bishop bold, + And London was his see, + He was short and stout and round about, + And zealous as could be. + + It also was a Jew, + Who drove a Putney bus-- + For flesh of swine however fine + He did not care a cuss. + + His name was Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew. + + The Bishop said, said he, + "I'll see what I can do + To Christianize and make you wise, + You poor benighted Jew." + + So every blessed day + That bus he rode outside, + From Fulham town, both up and down, + And loudly thus he cried:-- + + "His name is Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew." + + At first the busman smiled, + And rather liked the fun-- + He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, + And said, "Eccentric one!" + + And gay young dogs would wait + To see the bus go by + (These gay young dogs in striking togs) + To hear the Bishop cry:-- + + "Observe his grisly beard, + His race it clearly shows, + He sticks no fork in ham or pork:-- + Observe, my friends, his nose. + + "His name is Hash Baz Ben, + And Jedediah too, + And Solomon and Zabulon-- + This bus-directing Jew." + + But though at first amused, + Yet after seven years, + This Hebrew child got awful riled, + And busted into tears. + + He really almost feared + To leave his poor abode, + His nose, and name, and beard became + A byword on that road. + + At length he swore an oath, + The reason he would know-- + "I'll call and see why ever he + Does persecute me so." + + The good old bishop sat + On his ancestral chair, + The busman came, sent up his name, + And laid his grievance bare. + + "Benighted Jew," he said, + (And chuckled loud with joy) + "Be Christian you, instead of Jew-- + Become a Christian boy. + + "I'll ne'er annoy you more." + "Indeed?" replied the Jew. + "Shall I be freed?" "You will, indeed!" + Then "Done!" said he, "with you!" + + The organ which, in man, + Between the eyebrows grows, + Fell from his face, and in its place, + He found a Christian nose. + + His tangled Hebrew beard, + Which to his waist came down, + Was now a pair of whiskers fair-- + His name, Adolphus Brown. + + He wedded in a year, + That prelate's daughter Jane; + He's grown quite fair--has auburn hair-- + His wife is far from plain. + + + + + +THE FOLLY OF BROWN. + +BY A GENERAL AGENT. + + + I knew a boor--a clownish card, + (His only friends were pigs and cows and + The poultry of a small farmyard) + Who came into two hundred thousand. + + Good fortune worked no change in Brown, + Though she's a mighty social chymist: + He was a clown--and by a clown + I do not mean a pantomimist. + + It left him quiet, calm, and cool, + Though hardly knowing what a crown was-- + You can't imagine what a fool + Poor rich, uneducated Brown was! + + He scouted all who wished to come + And give him monetary schooling; + And I propose to give you some + Idea of his insensate fooling. + + I formed a company or two-- + (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, + _I_ formed them solely with a view + To help him to a sound investment). + + Their objects were--their only cares-- + To justify their Boards in showing + A handsome dividend on shares, + And keep their good promoter going. + + But no--the lout prefers his brass, + Though shares at par I freely proffer: + Yes--will it be believed?--the ass + Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer! + + He added, with a bumpkin's grin, + (A weakly intellect denoting) + He'd rather not invest it in + A company of my promoting! + + "You have two hundred 'thou' or more," + Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it. + Come, take my furnished second floor, + I'll gladly show you how to spend it." + + But will it be believed that he, + With grin upon his face of poppy, + Declined my aid, while thanking me + For what he called my "philanthroppy?" + + Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice + In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them; + They will not hear the charmer's voice, + However wisely he may charm them. + + I showed him that his coat, all dust, + Top boots and cords provoked compassion, + And proved that men of station must + Conform to the decrees of fashion. + + I showed him where to buy his hat, + To coat him, trouser him, and boot him; + But no--he wouldn't hear of that-- + "He didn't think the style would suit him!" + + I offered him a country seat, + And made no end of an oration; + I made it certainly complete, + And introduced the deputation. + + But no--the clown my prospects blights-- + (The worth of birth it surely teaches!) + "Why should I want to spend my nights + In Parliament, a-making speeches? + + "I haven't never been to school-- + I ain't had not no eddication-- + And I should surely be a fool + To publish that to all the nation!" + + I offered him a trotting horse-- + No hack had ever trotted faster-- + I also offered him, of course, + A rare and curious "old Master." + + I offered to procure him weeds-- + Wines fit for one in his position-- + But, though an ass in all his deeds, + He'd learnt the meaning of "commission." + + He called me "thief" the other day, + And daily from his door he thrusts me; + Much more of this, and soon I may + Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me. + + So deaf to all sound Reason's rule + This poor uneducated clown is, + You cannot fancy what a fool + Poor rich uneducated Brown is. + + + + + +THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO. + + + There were three niggers of Chickeraboo-- + Pacifico, Bang-Bang, Popchop--who + Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day, + "Oh, let's be kings in a humble way." + + The first was a highly-accomplished "bones," + The next elicited banjo tones, + The third was a quiet, retiring chap, + Who danced an excellent break-down "flap." + + "We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan + By which, whenever we like, we can + Extemporize islands near the beach, + And then we'll collar an island each. + + "Three casks, from somebody else's stores, + Shall rep-per-esent our island shores, + Their sides the ocean wide shall lave, + Their heads just topping the briny wave. + + "Great Britain's navy scours the sea, + And everywhere her ships they be, + She'll recognize our rank, perhaps, + When she discovers we're Royal Chaps. + + "If to her skirts you want to cling, + It's quite sufficient that you're a king: + She does not push inquiry far + To learn what sort of king you are." + + A ship of several thousand tons, + And mounting seventy-something guns, + Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue, + Discovering kings and countries new. + + The brave Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip, + Commanding that superior ship, + Perceived one day, his glasses through, + The kings that came from Chickeraboo. + + "Dear eyes!" said Admiral Pip, "I see + Three flourishing islands on our lee. + And, bless me! most extror'nary thing! + On every island stands a king! + + "Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried, + "And over the dancing waves I'll glide; + That low obeisance I may do + To those three kings of Chickeraboo!" + + The admiral pulled to the islands three; + The kings saluted him gracious_lee_. + The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm, + Pulled out a printed Alliance form. + + "Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray-- + I come in a friendly kind of way-- + I come, if you please, with the best intents, + And Queen Victoria's compliments." + + The kings were pleased as they well could be; + The most retiring of all the three, + In a "cellar-flap" to his joy gave vent + With a banjo-bones accompaniment. + + The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip + Embarked on board his jolly big ship, + Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore, + And off he sailed to his native shore. + + Admiral Pip directly went + To the Lord at the head of the Government, + Who made him, by a stroke of a quill, + Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville. + + The College of Heralds permission yield + That he should quarter upon his shield + Three islands, _vert_, on a field of blue, + With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo." + + Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too, + Are going to sail for Chickeraboo, + And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck, + A bishop, who's going out there on spec. + + And let us all hope that blissful things + May come of alliance with darkey kings. + Oh, may we never, whatever we do, + Declare a war with Chickeraboo! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO. + + + From east and south the holy clan + Of bishops gathered, to a man; + To synod, called Pan-Anglican; + In flocking crowds they came. + Among them was a Bishop, who + Had lately been appointed to + The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, + And Peter was his name. + + His people--twenty-three in sum-- + They played the eloquent tum-tum + And lived on scalps served up in rum-- + The only sauce they knew, + When, first good Bishop Peter came + (For Peter was that Bishop's name), + To humor them, he did the same + As they of Rum-ti-Foo. + + His flock, I've often heard him tell, + (His name was Peter) loved him well, + And summoned by the sound of bell, + In crowds together came. + "Oh, massa, why you go away? + Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay." + (They called him Peter, people say, + Because it was his name.) + + He told them all good boys to be, + And sailed away across the sea. + At London Bridge that Bishop he + Arrived one Tuesday night-- + And as that night he homeward strode + To his Pan-Anglican abode, + He passed along the Borough Road + And saw a gruesome sight. + + He saw a crowd assembled round + A person dancing on the ground, + Who straight began to leap and bound + With all his might and main. + To see that dancing man he stopped. + Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped, + Then down incontinently dropped, + And then sprang up again. + + The Bishop chuckled at the sight, + "This style of dancing would delight + A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite. + I'll learn it, if I can, + To please the tribe when I get back." + He begged the man to teach his knack. + "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack," + Replied that dancing man. + + The dancing man he worked away + And taught the Bishop every day-- + The dancer skipped like any fay-- + Good Peter did the same. + The Bishop buckled to his task + With _battements_, cuts, and _pas de basque_ + (I'll tell you, if you care to ask, + That Peter was his name). + + "Come, walk like this," the dancer said, + "Stick out your toes--stick in your head. + Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread-- + Your fingers thus extend; + The attitude's considered quaint," + The weary Bishop, feeling faint, + Replied, "I do not say it ain't, + But 'Time!' my Christian friend!" + + "We now proceed to something new-- + Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do, + Like this--one, two--one, two--one, two." + The Bishop, never proud, + But in an overwhelming heat + (His name was Peter, I repeat), + Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, + And puffed his thanks aloud. + + Another game the dancer planned-- + "Just take your ankle in your hand, + And try, my lord, if you can stand-- + Your body stiff and stark. + If, when revisiting your see, + You learnt to hop on shore--like me-- + The novelty must striking be, + And must excite remark." + + "No," said the worthy Bishop, "No; + That is a length to which, I trow, + Colonial Bishops cannot go. + You may express surprise + At finding Bishops deal in pride-- + But, if that trick I ever tried, + I should appear undignified + In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes. + + "The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo + Are well-conducted persons, who + Approve a joke as much as you, + And laugh at it as such; + But if they saw their Bishop land, + His leg supported in his hand, + The joke they wouldn't understand-- + 'Twould pain them very much!" + + + + +TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE. + +BY A MISERABLE WRETCH. + + + Roll on, thou ball, roll on! + Through pathless realms of Space + Roll on! + What, though I'm in a sorry case? + What, though I cannot meet my bills? + What, though I suffer toothache's ills? + What, though I swallow countless pills? + Never _you_ mind! + Roll on! + + Roll on, thou ball, roll on! + Through seas of inky air + Roll on! + It's true I've got no shirts to wear; + It's true my butcher's bill is due; + It's true my prospects all look blue-- + But don't let that unsettle you! + Never _you_ mind! + Roll on! + + _(It rolls on.)_ + + + + + +GENERAL JOHN. + + + The bravest names for fire and flames, + And all that mortal durst, + Were General John and Private James, + Of the Sixty-seventy-first. + + General John was a soldier tried, + A chief of warlike dons; + A haughty stride and a withering pride + Were Major-General John's. + + A sneer would play on his martial phiz, + Superior birth to show; + "Pish!" was a favorite word of his, + And he often said "Ho! ho!" + + Full-Private James described might be, + As a man of a mournful mind; + No characteristic trait had he + Of any distinctive kind. + + From the ranks, one day, cried Private James + "Oh! Major-General John, + I've doubts of our respective names, + My mournful mind upon. + + "A glimmering thought occurs to me, + (Its source I can't unearth) + But I've a kind of notion we + Were cruelly changed at birth. + + "I've a strange idea, each other's names + That we have each got on, + Such things have been," said Private James. + "They have!" sneered General John. + + "My General John, I swear upon + My oath I think 'tis so"-- + "Pish!" proudly sneered his General John, + And he also said "Ho! ho!" + + "My General John! my General John! + My General John!" quoth he, + "This aristocratical sneer upon + Your face I blush to see! + + "No truly great or generous cove + Deserving of them names + Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove + In the mind of a Private James!" + + Said General John, "Upon your claims + No need your breath to waste; + If this is a joke, Full-Private James, + It's a joke of doubtful taste. + + "But being a man of doubtless worth, + If you feel certain quite + That we were probably changed at birth, + I'll venture to say you're right." + + So General John as Private James + Fell in, parade upon; + And Private James, by change of names, + Was Major-General John. + + + + + +SIR GUY THE CRUSADER. + + + Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, + A muscular knight, + Ever ready to fight, + A very determined invader. + And Dickey de Lion's delight. + + Lenore was a Saracen maiden, + Brunette, statuesque, + The reverse of grotesque; + Her pa was a bagman at Aden, + Her mother she played in burlesque. + + A _coryphee_ pretty and loyal. + In amber and red, + The ballet she led; + Her mother performed at the Royal, + Lenore at the Saracen's Head. + + Of face and of figure majestic, + She dazzled the cits-- + Ecstaticized pits;-- + Her troubles were only domestic, + But drove her half out of her wits. + + Her father incessantly lashed her, + On water and bread + She was grudgingly fed; + Whenever her father he thrashed her + Her mother sat down on her head. + + Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, + For beauty so bright, + Set him mad with delight; + He purchased a stall for the season + And sat in it every night. + + His views were exceedingly proper; + He wanted to wed, + So he called at her shed + And saw her progenitor whop her-- + Her mother sit down on her head. + + "So pretty," said he, "and so trusting! + You brute of a dad, + You unprincipled cad, + Your conduct is really disgusting. + Come, come, now, admit it's too bad! + + "You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant; + Your daughter Lenore + I intensely adore + And I cannot help feeling indignant, + A fact that I hinted before. + + "To see a fond father employing + A deuce of a knout + For to bang her about. + To a sensitive lover's annoying." + Said the bagman, "Crusader, get out!" + + Says Guy, "Shall a warrior laden + With a big spiky knob. + Stand idly and sob. + While a beautiful Saracen maiden + Is whipped by a Saracen snob? + + "To London I'll go from my charmer." + Which he did, with his loot + (Seven hats and a flute), + And was nabbed for his Sydenham armor, + At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit. + + Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter, + Her pa, in a rage, + Died (don't know his age), + His daughter, she married the prompter, + Grew bulky and quitted the stage. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO. + + + King Borria Bungalee Boo + Was a man-eating African swell; + His sigh was a hullaballoo, + His whisper a horrible yell-- + A horrible, horrible yell! + + Four subjects, and all of them male, + To Borria doubled the knee, + They were once on a far larger scale, + But he'd eaten the balance, you see + ("Scale" and "balance" is punning, you see.) + + There was haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah, + There was lumbering Doodle-Dum-Deh, + Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah, + And good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- + Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh. + + One day there was grief in the crew, + For they hadn't a morsel of meat, + And Borria Bungalee Boo + Was dying for something to eat-- + "Come provide me with something to eat!" + + "Alack-a-Dey, famished I feel; + Oh, good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, + Where on earth shall I look for a meal? + For I haven't no dinner to-day!-- + Not a morsel of dinner to-day! + + "Dear Tootle-Tum, what shall we do? + Come, get us a meal, or in truth, + If you don't we shall have to eat you, + Oh, adorable friend of our youth! + Thou beloved little friend of our youth!" + + And he answered, "Oh Bungalee Boo, + For a moment I hope you will wait-- + Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo + Is the queen of a neighboring state-- + A remarkably neighboring state. + + "Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo, + She would pickle deliciously cold-- + And her four pretty Amazons, too, + Are enticing, and not very old-- + Twenty-seven is not very old. + + "There is neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, + There is rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah, + There is jocular Waggety-Weh. + There is musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah-- + There's the nightingale Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah!" + + So the forces of Bungalee Boo + Marched forth in a terrible row, + And the ladies who fought for Queen Loo + Prepared to encounter the foe-- + This dreadful insatiate foe! + + But they sharpened no weapons at all, + And they poisoned no arrows--not they! + They made ready to conquer or fall + In a totally different way-- + An entirely different way. + + With a crimson and pearly-white dye + They endeavored to make themselves fair, + With black they encircled each eye, + And with yellow they painted their hair + (It was wool, but they thought it was hair). + + And the forces they met in the field-- + And the men of King Borria said, + "Amazonians, immediately yield!" + And their arrows they drew to the head, + Yes, drew them right up to the head. + + But jocular Waggety-Weh, + Ogled Doodle-Dum-Deh (which was wrong) + And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, + Said, "Tootle-Tum, you go along! + You naughty old dear, go along!" + + And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah + Tapped Alack-a-Dey-Ah with her fan; + And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah, + Said "Pish, go away, you bad man! + Go away, you delightful young man!" + + And the Amazons simpered and sighed, + And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed, + And they opened their pretty eyes wide, + And they chuckled, and flirted, and blushed + (At least, if they could, they'd have blushed). + + But haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah + Said, "Alack-a-Dey, what does this mean?" + And despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah + Said, "They think us uncommonly green, + Ha! ha! most uncommonly green!" + + Even blundering Doodle-Dum-Deh + Was insensible quite to their leers + And said good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, + "It's your blood we desire, pretty dears-- + We have come for our dinners, my dears!" + + And the Queen of the Amazons fell + To Borria Bungalee Boo, + In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell, + Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo-- + The pretty Queen Tol-the-Rol-Loo. + + And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh + Was eaten by Pish-Pooh-Bah, + And light-hearted Waggety-Weh + By dismal Alack-a-Deh-Ah-- + Despairing Alack-a-Deh-Ah. + + And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah + Was eaten by Doodle-Dum-Deh, + And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah + By good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- + Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh! + + + + + +THE TROUBADOUR. + + + A troubadour he played + Without a castle wall, + Within, a hapless maid + Responded to his call. + + "Oh, willow, woe is me! + Alack and well-a-day! + If I were only free + I'd hie me far away!" + + Unknown her face and name, + But this he knew right well, + The maiden's wailing came + From out a dungeon cell. + + A hapless woman lay + Within that dungeon grim-- + That fact, I've heard him say. + Was quite enough for him. + + "I will not sit or lie, + Or eat or drink, I vow. + Till thou art free as I, + Or I as pent as thou." + + Her tears then ceased to flow, + Her wails no longer rang, + And tuneful in her woe + The prisoned maiden sang: + + "Oh, stranger, as you play + I recognize your touch; + And all that I can say + Is, thank you very much." + + He seized his clarion straight, + And blew thereat, until + A warden oped the gate, + "Oh, what might be your will?" + + "I've come, sir knave, to see + The master of these halls: + A maid unwillingly + Lies prisoned in their walls." + + With barely stifled sigh + That porter drooped his head, + With teardrops in his eye, + "A many, sir," he said. + + He stayed to hear no more, + But pushed that porter by, + And shortly stood before + Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye. + + Sir Hugh he darkly frowned, + "What would you, sir, with me?" + The troubadour he downed + Upon his bended knee. + + "I've come, De Peckham Rye, + To do a Christian task; + You ask me what would I? + It is not much I ask. + + "Release these maidens, sir, + Whom you dominion o'er-- + Particularly her + Upon the second floor. + + "And if you don't, my lord"-- + He here stood bolt upright, + And tapped a tailor's sword-- + "Come out, you cad, and fight!" + + Sir Hugh he called--and ran + The warden from the gate: + "Go, show this gentleman + The maid in forty-eight." + + By many a cell they past, + And stopped at length before + A portal, bolted fast: + The man unlocked the door. + + He called inside the gate + With coarse and brutal shout, + "Come, step it, Forty-eight!" + And Forty-eight stepped out. + + "They gets it pretty hot, + The maidens what we cotch-- + Two years this lady's got + For collaring a wotch." + + "Oh, ah!--indeed--I see," + The troubadour exclaimed-- + "If I may make so free, + How is this castle named?" + + The warden's eyelids fill, + And sighing, he replied, + "Of gloomy Pentonville + This is the female side!" + + The minstrel did not wait + The warden stout to thank, + But recollected straight + He'd business at the Bank. + + + + + +THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT. + + + Lord B. was a nobleman bold, + Who came of illustrious stocks, + He was thirty or forty years old, + And several feet in his socks. + + To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea + This elegant nobleman went, + For that was a borough that he + Was anxious to rep-per-re-sent. + + At local assemblies he danced + Until he felt thoroughly ill-- + He waltzed, and he galloped, and lanced, + And threaded the mazy quadrille. + + The maidens of Turniptopville + Were simple--ingenuous--pure-- + And they all worked away with a will + The nobleman's heart to secure. + + Two maidens all others beyond + Imagined their chances looked well-- + The one was the lively Ann Pond, + The other sad Mary Morell. + + Ann Pond had determined to try + And carry the Earl with a rush. + Her principal feature was eye, + Her greatest accomplishment--gush. + + And Mary chose this for her play, + Whenever he looked in her eye + She'd blush and turn quickly away, + And flitter and flutter and sigh. + + It was noticed he constantly sighed + As she worked out the scheme she had planned-- + A fact he endeavored to hide + With his aristocratical hand. + + Old Pond was a farmer, they say, + And so was old Tommy Morell, + In a humble and pottering way + They were doing exceedingly well. + + They both of them carried by vote + The Earl was a dangerous man, + So nervously clearing his throat, + One morning old Tommy began: + + "My darter's no pratty young doll-- + I'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man-- + Now what do 'ee mean by my Poll, + And what do 'ee mean by his Ann?" + + Said B., "I will give you my bond + I mean them uncommonly well, + Believe me, my excellent Pond, + And credit me, worthy Morell. + + "It's quite indisputable, for + I'll prove it with singular ease, + You shall have it in 'Barbara' or + 'Celarent'--whichever you please. + + "You see, when an anchorite bows + To the yoke of intentional sin-- + If the state of the country allows, + Homogeny always steps in. + + "It's a highly æsthetical bond, + As any mere ploughboy can tell"-- + "Of course," replied puzzled old Pond. + "I see," said old Tommy Morell. + + "Very good then," continued the lord, + "When its fooled to the top of its bent, + With a sweep of a Damocles sword + The web of intention is rent. + + "That's patent to all of us here, + As any mere schoolboy can tell." + Pond answered, "Of course it's quite clear;" + And so did that humbug Morell. + + "It's tone esoteric in force-- + I trust that I make myself clear?"-- + Morell only answered "Of course,"-- + While Pond slowly muttered, "Hear, hear." + + "Volition--celestial prize, + Pellucid as porphyry cell-- + Is based on a principle wise." + "Quite so," exclaimed Pond and Morell. + + "From what I have said, you will see + That I couldn't wed either--in fine, + By nature's unchanging decree + _Your_ daughters could never be _mine_. + + "Go home to your pigs and your ricks, + My hands of the matter I've rinsed." + So they take up their hats and their sticks, + And _exeunt ambo_, convinced. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +ONLY A DANCING GIRL. + + + Only a dancing girl, + With an unromantic style, + With borrowed color and curl, + With fixed mechanical smile, + With many a hackneyed wile, + With ungrammatical lips, + And corns that mar her trips! + + Hung from the "flies" in air, + She acts a palpable lie, + She's as little a fairy there + As unpoetical I! + I hear you asking, Why-- + Why in the world I sing + This tawdry, tinselled thing? + + No airy fairy she, + As she hangs in arsenic green, + From a highly impossible tree, + In a highly impossible scene + (Herself not over clean). + For fays don't suffer, I'm told, + From bunions, coughs, or cold. + + And stately dames that bring + Their daughters there to see, + Pronounce the "dancing thing" + No better than she should be. + With her skirt at her shameful knee, + And her painted, tainted phiz: + Ah, matron, which of us is? + + (And, in sooth, it oft occurs + That while these matrons sigh, + Their dresses are lower than hers, + And sometimes half as high; + And their hair is hair they buy, + And they use their glasses, too, + In a way she'd blush to do.) + + But change her gold and green + For a coarse merino gown, + And see her upon the scene + Of her home, when coaxing down + Her drunken father's frown, + In his squalid, cheerless den: + She's a fairy truly, then! + + + + + +THE SENSATION CAPTAIN. + + + No nobler captain ever trod + Than Captain Parklebury Todd, + So good--so wise--so brave, he! + But still, as all his friends would own, + He had one folly--one alone-- + This Captain in the Navy. + + I do not think I ever knew + A man so wholly given to + Creating a sensation; + Or p'r'aps I should in justice say-- + To what in an Adelphi play + Is known as "Situation." + + He passed his time designing traps + To flurry unsuspicious chaps-- + The taste was his innately-- + He couldn't walk into a room + Without ejaculating "Boom!" + Which startled ladies greatly. + + He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak, + Not, you will understand, in joke, + As some assume disguises. + He did it, actuated by + A simple love of mystery + And fondness for surprises. + + I need not say he loved a maid-- + His eloquence threw into shade + All others who adored her: + The maid, though pleased at first, I know, + Found, after several years or so, + Her startling lover bored her. + + So, when his orders came to sail, + She did not faint or scream or wail, + Or with her tears anoint him. + She shook his hand, and said "Good-bye;" + With laughter dancing in her eye-- + Which seemed to disappoint him. + + But ere he went aboard his boat + He placed around her little throat + A ribbon blue and yellow, + On which he hung a double tooth-- + A simple token this, in sooth-- + 'Twas all he had, poor fellow! + + "I often wonder," he would say, + When very, very far away, + "If Angelina wears it! + A plan has entered in my head, + I will pretend that I am dead, + And see how Angy bears it!" + + The news he made a messmate tell: + His Angelina bore it well, + No sign gave she of crazing; + But, steady as the Inchcape rock + His Angelina stood the shock + With fortitude amazing. + + She said, "Some one I must elect + Poor Angelina to protect + From all who wish to harm her. + Since worthy Captain Todd is dead + I rather feel inclined to wed + A comfortable farmer." + + A comfortable farmer came + (Bassanio Tyler was his name) + Who had no end of treasure: + He said, "My noble gal, be mine!" + The noble gal did not decline, + But simply said, "With pleasure." + + When this was told to Captain Todd, + At first he thought it rather odd, + And felt some perturbation; + But very long he did not grieve, + He thought he could a way perceive + To _such_ a situation! + + "I'll not reveal myself," said he, + "Till they are both in the Eccle- + siastical Arena; + Then suddenly I will appear, + And paralyzing them with fear, + Demand my Angelina!" + + At length arrived the wedding day-- + Accoutred in the usual way + Appeared the bridal body-- + The worthy clergyman began, + When in the gallant captain ran + And cried, "Behold your Toddy!" + + The bridegroom, p'r'aps, was terrified, + And also possibly the bride-- + The bridesmaids _were_ affrighted; + But Angelina, noble soul, + Contrived her feelings to control, + And really seemed delighted. + + "My bride!" said gallant Captain Todd, + "She's mine, uninteresting clod, + My own, my darling charmer!" + "Oh, dear," said she, "you're just too late, + I'm married to, I beg to state, + This comfortable farmer!" + + "Indeed," the farmer said, "she's mine, + You've been and cut it far too fine!" + "I see," said Todd, "I'm beaten." + And so he went to sea once more, + "Sensation" he for aye forswore, + And married on her native shore + A lady whom he'd met before-- + A lovely Otaheitan. + + + + + +THE PERIWINKLE GIRL. + + + I've often thought that headstrong youths, + Of decent education, + Determine all-important truths + With strange precipitation. + + The over-ready victims they, + Of logical illusions, + And in a self-assertive way + They jump at strange conclusions. + + Now take my case: Ere sorrow could + My ample forehead wrinkle, + I had determined that I would + Not like to be a winkle. + + "A winkle," I would oft advance + With readiness provoking, + "Can seldom flirt, and never dance + Or soothe his mind by smoking." + + In short, I spurned the shelly joy, + And spoke with strange decision-- + Men pointed to me as a boy + Who held them in derision. + + But I was young--too young, by far-- + Or I had been more wary, + I knew not then that winkles are + The stock-in-trade of Mary. + + I had not seen her sunlight blithe + As o'er their shells it dances, + I've seen those winkles almost writhe + Beneath her beaming glances. + + Of slighting all the winkly brood + I surely had been chary, + If I had known they formed the food + And stock-in-trade of Mary. + + Both high and low and great and small + Fell prostrate at her tootsies, + They all were noblemen, and all + Had balances at Coutts's. + + Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, + Duke Bailey and Duke Humphy, + Who eat her winkles till they felt + Exceedingly uncomfy. + + Duke Bailey greatest wealth computes, + And sticks, they say, at no-thing. + He wears a pair of golden boots + And silver underclothing. + + Duke Humphy, as I understand. + Though mentally acuter, + His boots are only silver, and + His underclothing pewter. + + A third adorer had the girl, + A man of lowly station-- + A miserable grov'ling earl + Besought her approbation. + + This humble cad she did refuse + With much contempt and loathing; + He wore a pair of leather shoes + And cambric underclothing! + + "Ha! ha!" she cried, "Upon my word! + Well, really--come, I never! + Oh, go along, it's too absurd! + My goodness! Did you ever? + + "Two dukes would make their Bowles a bride, + And from her foes defend her"-- + "Well, not exactly that," they cried, + "We offer guilty splendor. + + "We do not offer marriage rite, + So please dismiss the notion!" + "Oh, dear," said she, "that alters quite + The state of my emotion." + + The earl he up and says, says he, + "Dismiss them to their orgies, + For I am game to marry thee + Quite reg'lar at St. George's." + + He'd had, it happily befell, + A decent education; + His views would have befitted well + A far superior station. + + His sterling worth had worked a cure, + She never heard him grumble; + She saw his soul was good and pure + Although his rank was humble. + + Her views of earldoms and their lot, + All underwent expansion; + Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot! + Go, Vice in ducal mansion! + + + + + +BOB POLTER. + + + Bob Polter was a navvy, and + His hands were coarse, and dirty too, + His homely face was rough and tanned, + His time of life was thirty-two. + + He lived among a working clan + (A wife he hadn't got at all), + A decent, steady, sober man-- + No saint, however--not at all. + + He smoked, but in a modest way, + Because he thought he needed it; + He drank a pot of beer a day, + And sometimes he exceeded it. + + At times he'd pass with other men + A loud convivial night or two, + With, very likely, now and then, + On Saturdays, a fight or two. + + But still he was a sober soul, + A labor-never-shirking man, + Who paid his way--upon the whole + A decent English working man. + + One day, when at the Nelson's Head, + (For which he may be blamed of you) + A holy man appeared and said, + "Oh, Robert, I'm ashamed of you." + + He laid his hand on Robert's beer + Before he could drink up any, + And on the floor, with sigh and tear, + He poured the pot of "thruppenny." + + "Oh, Robert, at this very bar, + A truth you'll be discovering, + A good and evil genius are + Around your noddle hovering. + + "They both are here to bid you shun + The other one's society, + For Total Abstinence is one, + The other Inebriety." + + He waved his hand--a vapor came-- + A wizard, Polter reckoned him: + A bogy rose and called his name, + And with his finger beckoned him. + + The monster's salient points to sum, + His heavy breath was portery; + His glowing nose suggested rum; + His eyes were gin-and-wortery. + + His dress was torn--for dregs of ale + And slops of gin had rusted it; + His pimpled face was wan and pale, + Where filth had not encrusted it. + + "Come, Polter," said the fiend, "begin, + And keep the bowl a-flowing on-- + A working-man needs pints of gin + To keep his clockwork going on." + + Bob shuddered: "Ah, you've made a miss, + If you take me for one of you-- + You filthy beast, get out of this-- + Bob Polter don't want none of you." + + The demon gave a drunken shriek + And crept away in stealthiness, + And lo, instead, a person sleek + Who seemed to burst with healthiness. + + "In me, as your advisor hints, + Of Abstinence you have got a type-- + Of Mr. Tweedle's pretty prints + I am the happy prototype. + + "If you abjure the social toast, + And pipes, and such frivolities, + You possibly some day may boast + My prepossessing qualities!" + + Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink, + "You almost make me tremble, you! + If I abjure fermented drink, + Shall I, indeed, resemble you? + + "And will my whiskers curl so tight? + My cheeks grow smug and muttony? + My face become so red and white? + My coat so blue and buttony? + + "Will trousers, such as yours, array + Extremities inferior? + Will chubbiness assert its sway + All over my exterior? + + "In this, my unenlightened state, + To work in heavy boots I comes, + Will pumps henceforward decorate + My tiddle toddle tootsicums? + + "And shall I get so plump and fresh, + And look no longer seedily? + My skin will henceforth fit my flesh + So tightly and so Tweedie-ly?" + + The phantom said, "You'll have all this, + You'll know no kind of huffiness, + Your life will be one chubby bliss, + One long unruffled puffiness!" + + "Be off!" said irritated Bob. + "Why come you here to bother one? + You pharisaical old snob, + You're wuss almost than t'other one! + + "I takes my pipe--I takes my pot, + And drunk I'm never seen to be: + I'm no teetotaller or sot, + And as I am I mean to be!" + + +[Illustration] + + + + +GENTLE ALICE BROWN. + + + It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown; + Her father was the terror of a small Italian town; + Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing; + But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing. + + As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day, + A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way; + She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true, + That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!" + + And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen, + She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten, + A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road + (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode). + + But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise + To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; + So she sought the village priest, to whom her family confessed, + The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed. + + "Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not? + To discover that I was a most disreputable lot! + Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!" + The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?" + + "I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad, + I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad, + I've planned a little burglary and forged a little check, + And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!" + + The worthy pastor heaved a sigh and dropped a silent tear-- + And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear-- + It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece: + But sins like that one expiates at half-a-crown apiece. + + "Girls will be girls--you're very young, and flighty in your mind; + Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find; + We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks-- + Let's see--five crimes at half-a-crown--exactly twelve-and-six." + + "Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, + You do these little things for me so singularly cheap-- + Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; + But, O, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!" + + "A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes, + I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies: + He passes by it every day as certain as can be-- + I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!" + + "For shame," said Father Paul, "my erring daughter! On my word + This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard. + Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand + To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band! + + "This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so! + They are the most remunerative customers I know; + For many years they've kept starvation from my doors, + I never knew so criminal a family as yours! + + "The common country folk in this insipid neighborhood + Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good; + And if you marry any one respectable at all, + Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul?" + + The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown, + And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown; + To tell him how his daughter, who now was for marriage fit, + Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it. + + Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well, + He said "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell; + I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, + And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits. + + "I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two, + Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do-- + A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall + When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small." + + He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square; + He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware; + He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, + And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed. + + And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, + She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, + Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand + On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band. + + + + + +BEN ALLAH ACHMET; + +OR, THE FATAL TUM. + + + I once did know a Turkish man + Whom I upon a two-pair-back met, + His name it was Effendi Khan + Backsheesh Pasha Ben Allah Achmet. + + A Doctor Brown I also knew-- + I've often eaten of his bounty-- + The Turk and he they lived at Hooe, + In Sussex, that delightful county. + + I knew a nice young lady there, + Her name was Isabella Sherson, + And though she wore another's hair, + She was an interesting person. + + The Turk adored the maid of Hooe + (Although his harem would have shocked her); + But Brown adored that maiden, too: + He was a most seductive doctor. + + They'd follow her where'er she'd go-- + A course of action most improper; + She neither knew by sight, and so + For neither of them cared a copper. + + Brown did not know that Turkish male, + He might have been his sainted mother: + The people in this simple tale + Are total strangers to each other. + + One day that Turk he sickened sore + Which threw him straight into a sharp pet; + He threw himself upon the floor + And rolled about upon his--carpet. + + It made him moan--it made him groan + And almost wore him to a mummy: + Why should I hesitate to own + That pain was in his little tummy? + + At length a Doctor came and rung + (As Allah Achmet had desired) + Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue, + And hummed and hawed, and then inquired: + + "Where is the pain, that long has preyed + Upon you in so sad a way, sir?" + The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said, + "I don't exactly like to say, sir." + + "Come, nonsense!" said good Doctor Brown, + "So this is Turkish coyness, is it? + You must contrive to fight it down-- + Come, come, sir, please to be explicit." + + The Turk he shyly bit his thumb, + And coyly blushed like one half-witted, + "The pain is in my little tum," + He, whispering, at length admitted. + + "Then take you this, and take you that-- + Your blood flows sluggish in its channel-- + You must get rid of all this fat, + And wear my medicated flannel. + + "You'll send for me, when you're in need-- + My name is Brown--your life I've saved it!" + "My rival!" shrieked the invalid, + And drew a mighty sword and waved it. + + "This to thy weazand, Christian pest!" + Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it, + And drove right through the Doctor's chest + The sabre and the hand that held it. + + The blow was a decisive one, + And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty-- + "Now see the mischief that you've done,-- + You Turks are so extremely hasty. + + "There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe, + _He's_ short and stout--_I'm_ tall and wizen; + You've been and run the wrong one through, + That's how the error has arisen." + + The accident was thus explained, + Apologies were only heard now: + "At my mistake I'm really pained, + I am, indeed, upon my word now." + + "With me, sir, you shall be interred, + A Mausoleum grand awaits me"-- + "Oh, pray don't say another word, + I'm sure that more than compensates me. + + "But, p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside?" + "There's room," said he, "for any number." + And so they laid them down and died. + In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber. + + + + + +SONGS OF A SAVOYARD + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE ENGLISHMAN. + + + He is an Englishman! + For he himself has said it, + And it's greatly to his credit, + That he is an Englishman! + For he might have been a Roosian, + A French, or Turk, or Proosian, + Or perhaps Itali-an! + But in spite of all temptations, + To belong to other nations, + He remains an Englishman! + Hurrah! + For the true born Englishman! + + + + + +THE DISAGREEABLE MAN. + + + If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: + I'm a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham. + Each little fault of temper and each social defect + In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct. + To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes + And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; + I love my fellow creatures--I do all the good I can-- + Yet everybody say I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + To compliments inflated I've a withering reply; + And vanity I always do my best to mortify; + A charitable action I can skilfully dissect: + And interested motives I'm delighted to detect. + I know everybody's income and what everybody earns, + And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns; + But to benefit humanity, however much I plan, + Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + I'm sure I'm no ascetic: I'm as pleasant as can be; + You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; + I've an irritating chuckle; I've a celebrated sneer; + I've an entertaining snigger; I've a fascinating leer; + To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two; + I can tell a woman's age in half a minute--and I do-- + But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, + Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! + And I can't think why! + + + + + +THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL. + + + I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral. + I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral; + I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, + From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; + I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, + I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, + About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, + With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. + I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, + I know the scientific names of beings animalculous, + In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + I know our mythic history--King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's, + I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox, + I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, + In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. + I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, + I know the croaking chorus from the "Frogs" of Aristophanes, + Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore, + And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense "Pinafore." + Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, + And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform. + In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + In fact when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin," + When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin, + When such affairs as _sorties_ and surprises I'm more wary at, + And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, + When I have learn what progress has been made in modern gunnery, + When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, + In short when I've a smattering of elementary strategy, + You'll say a better Major-Gener_al_ has never _sat_ a gee-- + For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, + Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century, + But still in learning vegetable, animal and mineral, + I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. + + + + + +THE HEAVY DRAGOON. + + + If you want a receipt for that popular mystery + Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, + Take all the remarkable people in history, + Rattle them off to a popular tune! + The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the _Victory_-- + Genius of Bismarck devising a plan; + The humor of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)-- + Coolness of Paget about to trepan-- + The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico-- + Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-- + The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault-- + Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-- + The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery-- + Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray + Victor Emmanuel--peak-haunting Peveril-- + Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-- + Tupper and Tennyson--Daniel Defoe-- + Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! + + Take of these elements all that are fusible, + Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, + Set them to simmer and take off the scum, + And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! + + If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon, + Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)-- + The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon-- + Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban-- + A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky-- + Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan-- + The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky-- + Grace of an Odalisque on a divan-- + The genius strategic of Cæsar or Hannibal-- + Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal + Flavor of Hamlet--the Stranger, a touch of him-- + Little of Manfred, (but not very much of him)-- + Beadle of Burlington--Richardson's show; + Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud! + + Take of these elements all that are fusible, + Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, + Set them to simmer and take off the scum, + And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! + + + + + +ONLY ROSES! + + + To a garden full of posies + Cometh one to gather flowers, + And he wanders through its bowers + Toying with the wanton roses, + Who, uprising from their beds, + Hold on high their shameless heads + With their pretty lips a-pouting, + Never doubting--never doubting + That for Cytherean posies + He would gather aught but roses! + + In a nest of weeds and nettles, + Lay a violet, half hidden, + Hoping that his glance unbidden + Yet might fall upon her petals, + Though she lived alone, apart, + Hope lay nestling at her heart, + But, alas! the cruel awaking + Set her little heart a-breaking, + For he gathered for his posies + Only roses--only roses! + + + + + +THEY'LL NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED. + + + As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, + I've got a little list--I've got a little list + Of social offenders who might well be underground, + And who never would be missed--who never would be missed! + There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs-- + All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs-- + All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat-- + All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like _that_-- + And all third persons who on spoiling _tete-a-tetes_ insist-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + + There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, + And the piano organist--I've got him on the list! + And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, + They never would be missed--they never would be missed! + Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, + All centuries but this, and every country but his own; + And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, + And who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try; + And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- + I don't think she'd be missed--I'm _sure_ she'd not be missed! + + And that _Nisi Prius_ nuisance, who just now is rather rife, + The Judicial humorist--I've got _him_ on the list! + All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life-- + They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of them be missed. + And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind, + Such as--What-d'ye-call-him--Thing'em-Bob, and likewise--Never-mind, + And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also--You-know-who-- + (The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to _you_!) + But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, + For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE POLICEMAN'S LOT. + + + When a felon's not engaged in his employment + Or maturing his felonious little plans. + His capacity for innocent enjoyment, + Is just as great as any honest man's + Our feelings we with difficulty smother + When constabulary duty's to be done: + Ah, take one consideration with another, + A policeman's lot is not a happy one! + + When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling, + When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, + He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, + And listen to the merry village chime. + When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, + He loves to lie a-basking in the sun: + Ah, take one consideration with another, + The policeman's lot is not a happy one! + +[Illustration] + + + + +AN APPEAL. + + + Oh, is there not one maiden breast + Which does not feel the moral beauty + Of making worldly interest + Subordinate to sense of duly? + Who would not give up willingly + All matrimonial ambition, + To rescue such a one as I + From his unfortunate position? + + Oh, is there not one maiden here, + Whose homely face and bad complexion + Have caused all hopes to disappear + Of ever winning man's affection? + To such a one, if such there be, + I swear by Heaven's arch above you, + If you will cast your eyes on me,-- + However plain you be--I'll love you! + + + + + +EHEU FUGACES--! + + + The air is charged with amatory numbers-- + Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays. + Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers + The aching memory of the old, old days? + + Time was when Love and I were well acquainted. + Time was when we walked ever hand in hand; + A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted, + None better-loved than I in all the land! + Time was, when maidens of the noblest station, + Forsaking even military men, + Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration-- + Ah, me, I was a fair young curate then! + + Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled; + Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear; + Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled; + And when I coughed all thought the end was near! + I, had no care--no jealous doubts hung o'er me-- + For I was loved beyond all other men. + Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me! + Ah, me! I was a pale young curate then! + + + + + +A RECIPE. + + + Take a pair of sparkling eyes, + Hidden, ever and anon, + In a merciful eclipse-- + Do not heed their mild surprise-- + Having passed the Rubicon. + Take a pair of rosy lips; + Take a figure trimly planned-- + Such as admiration whets + (Be particular in this); + Take a tender little hand, + Fringed with dainty fingerettes, + Press it--in parenthesis;-- + Take all these, you lucky man-- + Take and keep them, if you can. + + Take a pretty little cot-- + Quite a miniature affair-- + Hung about with trellised vine, + Furnish it upon the spot + With the treasures rich and rare + I've endeavored to define. + Live to love and love to live + You will ripen at your ease, + Growing on the sunny side-- + Fate has nothing more to give. + You're a dainty man to please + If you are not satisfied. + Take my counsel, happy man: + Act upon it, if you can! + + + + + +THE FIRST LORD'S SONG. + + + When I was a lad I served a term + As office boy to an Attorney's firm. + I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, + And I polished up the handle of the big front door. + I polished up that handle so successfullee + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + As office boy I made such a mark + That they gave me the post of a junior clerk. + I served the writs with a smile so bland, + And I copied all the letters in a big round hand. + I copied all the letters in a hand so free, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + In serving writs I made such a name + That an articled clerk I soon became; + I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit + For the Pass Examination at the Institute. + And that Pass Examination did so well for me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip + That they took me into the partnership. + And that junior partnership, I ween, + Was the only ship that I ever had seen, + But that kind of ship so suited me, + That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + I grew so rich that I was sent + By a pocket borough into Parliament. + I always voted at my party's call, + And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. + I thought so little, they rewarded me, + By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee! + + Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be, + If you want to rise to the top of the tree, + If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool, + Be careful to be guided by this golden rule-- + Stick close to your desks and _never go to sea_, + And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navee! + + + + + +WHEN A MERRY MAIDEN MARRIES. + + + When a merry maiden marries, + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right and nothing's wrong! + From to-day and ever after + Let your tears be tears of laughter-- + Every sigh that finds a vent + Be a sigh of sweet content! + When you marry merry maiden, + Then the air with love is laden; + Every flower is a rose, + Every goose becomes a swan, + Every kind of trouble goes + Where the last year's snows have gone! + Sunlight takes the place of shade + When you marry merry maid! + + When a merry maiden marries + Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries; + Every sound becomes a song, + All is right, and nothing's wrong. + Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow, + Get ye gone until to-morrow; + Jealousies in grim array, + Ye are things of yesterday! + When you marry merry maiden, + Then the air with joy is laden; + All the corners of the earth + Ring with music sweetly played, + Worry is melodious mirth. + Grief is joy in masquerade; + Sullen night is laughing day-- + All the year is merry May! + + + + + +THE SUICIDE'S GRAVE. + + + On a tree by the river a little tomtit + Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit + Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow?' + Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, + "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" + With a shake of his poor little head he replied, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, + Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, + Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! + He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, + Then he threw himself into the billowy wave, + And an echo arose from the suicide's grave-- + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name + Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, + That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + And if you remain callous and obdurate, I + Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, + Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, + "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" + + + + + +HE AND SHE. + + + HE. + I know a youth who loves a little maid-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid-- + (Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + I know a maid who loves a gallant youth, + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + + BOTH. + Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the poor soul do? + + HE. + He cannot eat and he cannot sleep-- + (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see!) + Daily he goes for to wail--for to weep-- + (Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + She's very thin and she's very pale-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + Daily she goes for to weep--for to wail-- + (Hey, but I think that little maid will die!) + + BOTH. + Now tell me pray, and tell me true, + What in the world should the poor soul do? + + SHE. + If I were the youth I should offer her my name-- + (Hey, but her face is a sight for to see!) + + HE. + If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame-- + (Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be!) + + SHE. + If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day-- + (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by!) + + HE. + If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way-- + (For I really do believe that timid youth will die'!) + + BOTH. + I thank you much for your counsel true; + I've learnt what that poor soul ought to do! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE LORD CHANCELLOR'S SONG. + + + The law is the true embodiment + Of everything that's excellent. + It has no kind of fault or flaw, + And I, my lords, embody the Law. + The constitutional guardian I + Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, + All very agreeable girls--and none + Are over the age of twenty-one. + A pleasant occupation for + A rather susceptible Chancellor! + + But though the compliment implied + Inflates me with legitimate pride, + It nevertheless can't be denied + That it has its inconvenient side. + For I'm not so old, and not so plain, + And I'm quite prepared to marry again, + But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords + If I fell in love with one of my Wards: + Which rather tries my temper, for + I'm _such_ a susceptible Chancellor! + + And everyone who'd marry a Ward + Must come to me for my accord: + So in my court I sit all day, + Giving agreeable girls away, + With one for him--and one for he-- + And one for you--and one for ye-- + And one for thou--and one for thee-- + But never, oh never a one for me! + Which is exasperating, for + A highly susceptible Chancellor! + + + + + +WILLOW WALY! + + + HE. + Prithee, pretty maiden--prithee, tell me true + (Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!) + Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you? + Hey, willow waly O! + I fain would discover + If you have a lover? + Hey, willow waly O! + + SHE. + Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free-- + (Hey but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!) + Nobody I care for comes a-courting me-- + Hey, willow waly O! + Nobody I care for + Comes a-courting--therefore, + Hey, willow waly O! + + HE. + Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me? + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!) + I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee + Hey, willow waly O! + Money, I despise it, + But many people prize it, + Hey, willow waly O! + + SHE. + Gentle sir, although to marry I design-- + (Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly!) + As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. + Hey, willow waly O! + To other maidens go you-- + As yet I do not know you, + Hey, willow waly O! + + + + + +THE USHER'S CHARGE. + + + Now, Jurymen, hear my advice-- + All kinds of vulgar prejudice + I pray you set aside: + With stern judicial frame of mind, + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case: + Observe the features of her face-- + The broken-hearted bride! + Condole with her distress of mind: + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + And when amid the plaintiff's shrieks, + The ruffianly defendant speaks-- + Upon the other side; + What _he_ may say you needn't mind-- + From bias free of every kind, + This trial must be tried! + + + + + +KING GOODHEART. + + + There lived a King, as I've been told, + In the wonder-working days of old, + When hearts were twice as good as gold, + And twenty times as mellow. + Good temper triumphed in his face, + And in his heart he found a place + For all the erring human race + And every wretched fellow. + When he had Rhenish wine to drink + It made him very sad to think + That some, at junket or at jink, + Must be content with toddy. + He wished all men as rich as he + (And he was rich as rich could be), + So to the top of every tree + Promoted everybody. + + Ambassadors cropped up like hay, + Prime Ministers and such as they + Grew like asparagus in May, + And Dukes were three a penny. + Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats. + And Bishops in their shovel hats + Were plentiful as tabby cats-- + If possible, too many. + On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, + Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed + With Admirals the ocean teemed + All round his wide dominions; + And Party Leaders you might meet + In twos and threes in every street + Maintaining, with no little heat, + Their various opinions. + + That King, although no one denies + His heart was of abnormal size, + Yet he'd have acted otherwise + If he had been acuter. + The end is easily foretold, + When every blessed thing you hold + Is made of silver, or of gold, + You long for simple pewter. + When you have nothing else to wear + But cloth of gold and satins rare, + For cloth of gold you cease to care-- + Up goes the price of shoddy. + In short, whoever you may be, + To this conclusion you'll agree, + When every one is somebodee, + Then no one's anybody! + + + + + +THE TANGLED SKEIN. + + + Try we life long, we can never + Straighten out life's tangled skein, + Why should we, in vain endeavor, + Guess and guess and guess again? + Life's a pudding full of plums; + Care's a canker that benumbs. + Wherefore waste our elocution + On impossible solution? + Life's a pleasant institution, + Let us take it as it comes! + + Set aside the dull enigma, + We shall guess it all too soon; + Failure brings no kind of stigma-- + Dance we to another tune! + String the lyre and fill the cup, + Lest on sorrow we should sup. + Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, + Hands across and down the middle-- + Life's perhaps the only riddle + That we shrink from giving up! + + + + + +GIRL GRADUATES. + + + They intend to send a wire + To the moon; + And they'll set the Thames on fire + Very soon; + Then they learn to make silk purses + With their rigs + From the ears of Lady Circe's + Piggy-wigs. + And weazels at their slumbers + They'll trepan; + To get sunbeams from cu_cum_bers + They've a plan. + They've a firmly rooted notion + They can cross the Polar Ocean, + And they'll find Perpetual Motion + If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That every pretty domina + Hopes that we shall see + At this Universitee! + + As for fashion, they forswear it, + So they say, + And the circle--they will square it + Some fine day; + Then the little pigs they're teaching + For to fly; + And the niggers they'll be bleaching + Bye and bye! + Each newly joined aspirant + To the clan + Must repudiate the tyrant + Known as Man; + They mock at him and flout him, + For they do not care about him, + And they're "going to do without him" + If they can! + + These are the phenomena + That every pretty domina + Hopes that we shall see + At this Universitee! + + + + + +THE APE AND THE LADY. + + + A lady fair, of lineage high, + Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by-- + The Maid was radiant as the sun, + The Ape was a most unsightly one-- + So it would not do-- + His scheme fell through; + For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, + Expressed such terror + At his monstrous error, + That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, + The picture of a disconcerted Ape. + + With a view to rise in the social scale, + He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, + He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, + And he paid a guinea to a toilet club. + But it would not do, + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen + With golden tresses, + Like a real princess's, + While the Ape, despite his razor keen, + Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! + + He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, + He crammed his feet into bright tight boots, + And to start his life on a brand-new plan, + He christened himself Darwinian Man! + But it would not do. + The scheme fell through-- + For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved, + Was a radiant Being, + With a brain far-seeing-- + While a Man, however well-behaved, + At best is only a monkey shaved! + + + + + +SANS SOUCI + + + I cannot tell what this love may be + That cometh to all but not to me. + It cannot be kind as they'd imply, + Or why do these gentle ladies sigh? + It cannot be joy and rapture deep, + Or why do these gentle ladies weep? + It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said, + Or why are their eyes so wondrous red? + + If love is a thorn, they show no wit + Who foolishly hug and foster it. + If love is a weed, how simple they + Who gather and gather it, day by day! + If love is a nettle that makes you smart, + Why do you wear it next your heart? + And if it be neither of these, say I, + Why do you sit and sob and sigh? + + + + + +THE BRITISH TAR. + + + A British tar is a soaring soul, + As free as a mountain bird, + His energetic fist should be ready to resist + A dictatorial word + His nose should pant and his lips should curl, + His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, + His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, + And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow. + + His eyes should flash with an inborn fire, + His brow with scorn be rung; + He never should bow down to a domineering frown, + Or the tang of a tyrant tongue. + His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, + His hair should twirl and his face should scowl: + His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, + And this should be his customary attitude! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE COMING BYE AND BYE. + + + Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, + Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear; + As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, + Impatiently begins to "dim her eyes!" + Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings, + To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well saved "combings"-- + Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey, + To "make up" for lost time, as best she may! + + Silvered is the raven hair, + Spreading is the parting straight, + Mottled the complexion fair, + Halting is the youthful gait. + Hollow is the laughter free, + Spectacled the limpid eye, + Little will be left of me, + In the coming bye and bye! + + Fading is the taper waist-- + Shapeless grows the shapely limb, + And although securely laced, + Spreading is the figure trim! + Stouter than I used to be, + Still more corpulent grow I-- + There will be too much of me + In the coming bye and bye! + + + + + +THE SORCERER'S SONG. + + + Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells-- + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses, + And ever filled purses, + In prophecies, witches and knells! + If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"-- + If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax-- + You've but to look in + On our resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe. + + We've a first class assortment of magic; + And for raising a posthumous shade + With effects that are comic or tragic, + There's no cheaper house in the trade. + Love-philtre--we've quantities of it; + And for knowledge if any one burns, + We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet + Who brings us unbounded returns: + For he can prophesy + With a wink _of_ his eye, + Peep with security + Into futurity, + Sum up your history, + Clear up a mystery, + Humor proclivity + For a nativity. + With mirrors so magical, + Tetrapods tragical, + Bogies spectacular, + Answers oracular, + Facts astronomical, + Solemn or comical, + And, if you want it, he + Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! + Oh! + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + He can raise you hosts + Of ghosts, + And that without reflectors; + And creepy things + With wings, + And gaunt and grisly spectres! + He can fill you crowds + Of shrouds, + And horrify you vastly; + He can rack your brains + With chains, + And gibberings grim and ghastly. + Then, if you plan it, he + Changes organity, + With an urbanity, + Full of Satanity, + Vexes humanity + With an inanity + Fatal to vanity-- + Driving your foes to the verge of insanity! + Barring tautology, + In demonology, + 'Lectro biology, + Mystic nosology, + Spirit philology, + High class astrology, + Such is his knowledge, he + Isn't the man to require an apology! + Oh! + My name is John Wellington Wells, + I'm a dealer in magic and spells, + In blessings and curses, + And ever filled purses + In prophecies, witches and knells! + If any one anything lacks, + He'll find it all ready in stacks, + If he'll only look in + On the resident Djinn, + Number seventy, Simmery Axe! + + + + + +SPECULATION. + + + Comes a train of little ladies + From scholastic trammels free, + Each a little bit afraid is, + Wondering what the world can be! + + Is it but a world of trouble-- + Sadness set to song? + Is its beauty but a bubble + Bound to break ere long? + + Are its palaces and pleasures + Fantasies that fade? + And the glories of its treasures + Shadow of a shade? + + Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, + From scholastic trammels free, + And we wonder--how we wonder!-- + What on earth the world can be! + + + + + +THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. + + + In enterprise of martial kind, + When there was any fighting, + He led his regiment from behind, + He found it less exciting. + But when away his regiment ran, + His place was at the fore, O-- + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha! + You always found that knight, ha, ha! + That celebrated, + Cultivated, + Underrated + Nobleman, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + When, to evade Destruction's hand, + To hide they all proceeded, + No soldier in that gallant band + Hid half as well as he did. + He lay concealed throughout the war, + And so preserved his gore, O! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + In every doughty deed, ha ha! + He always took the lead, ha ha! + That unaffected, + Undetected, + Well connected + Warrior, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + When told that they would all be shot + Unless they left the service, + The hero hesitated not, + So marvellous his nerve is. + He sent his resignation in, + The first of all his corps, O! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + To men of grosser clay, ha, ha! + He always showed the way, ha, ha! + That very knowing, + Overflowing, + Easy-going + Paladin, + The Duke of Plaza-Toro! + + + + + +THE REWARD OF MERIT. + + + Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age: + His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage; + His poems held a noble rank, although it's very true + That, being very proper, they were read by very few. + He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the "line," + And even Mr. Ruskin came and worshipped at his shrine; + But, alas, the school he followed was heroically high-- + The kind of Art men rave about, but very seldom buy-- + And everybody said + "How can he be repaid-- + This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?" + But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan! + + He was a great Inventor, and discovered, all alone, + A plan for making everybody's fortune but his own; + For, in business, an Inventor's little better than a fool, + And my highly gifted friend was no exception to the rule. + His poems--people read them in the Quarterly Reviews-- + His pictures--they engraved them in the _Illustrated News_-- + His inventions--they, perhaps, might have enriched him by degrees, + But all his little income went in Patent Office fees; + And everybody said + "How can he be repaid-- + This very great--this very good--this very gifted man?" + But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan! + + At last the point was given up in absolute despair, + When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire, + With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse, + And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House! + _Then_ it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards + Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords! + And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can, + As this very great--this very good--this very gifted man? + (Though I'm more than half afraid + That it sometimes may be said + That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride, + However great his merits--if his cousin hadn't died!) + + + + + +WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON. + + + When I first put this uniform on, + I said as I looked in the glass. + "It's one to a million + That any civilian + My figure and form will surpass. + Gold lace has a charm for the fair, + And I've plenty of that, and to spare, + While a lover's professions, + When uttered in Hessians, + Are eloquent everywhere! + A fact that I counted upon, + When I first put this uniform on!" + + I said, when I first put it on, + "It is plain to the veriest dunce + That every beauty + Will feel it her duty + To yield to its glamor at once. + They will see that I'm freely gold-laced + In a uniform handsome and chaste-- + But the peripatetics + Of long-haired æsthetics, + Are very much more to their taste-- + Which I never counted upon + When I first put this uniform on!" + + +[Illustration] + + + + +SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I. + + + When I went to the Bar as a very young man, + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll work on a new and original plan + (Said I to myself--said I), + I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief + Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, + Because his attorney has sent me a brief + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise + (Said I to myself--said I), + Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force + In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, + Have perjured themselves as a matter of course + (Said I to myself--said I). + + Ere I go into court I will read my brief through + (Said I to myself--said I), + And I'll never take work I'm unable to do + (Said I to myself--said I). + My learned profession I'll never disgrace + By taking a fee with a grin on my face, + When I haven't been there to attend to the case + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + In other professions in which men engage + (Said I to myself--said I), + The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage + (Said I to myself--said I), + Professional license, if carried too far, + Your chance of promotion will certainly mar + And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar + (Said I to myself--said I!). + + + + + +THE FAMILY FOOL. + + + Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, + If you listen to popular rumor; + From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, + And he bubbles with wit and good-humor! + He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse; + Yet though people forgive his transgression, + There are one or two rules that all Family Fools + Must observe, if they love their profession. + There are one or two rules + Half a dozen, maybe, + That all family fools, + Of whatever degree, + Must observe, if they love their profession. + + If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need + To consider each person auricular: + What is all right for B would quite scandalize C + (For C is so very particular); + And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull + Is as empty of brains as a ladle; + While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, + That he's known your best joke from his cradle! + When your humor they flout, + You can't let yourself go; + And it _does_ put you out + When a person says, "Oh! + I have known that old joke from my cradle!" + + If your master is surly, from getting up early + (And tempers are short in the morning), + An inopportune joke is enough to provoke + Him to give you, at once, a month's warning + Then if you refrain, he is at you again, + For he likes to get value for money. + He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, + If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + It adds to the task + Of a merryman's place, + When your principal asks, + With a scowl on his face, + If you know that you're paid to be funny?" + + Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- + Oh, beware of his anger provoking! + Better not pull his hair--don't stick pins in his chair; + He don't understand practical joking. + If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, + You may get a bland smile from these sages; + But should it, by chance, be imported from France, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages! + It's a general rule, + Though your zeal it may quench, + If the Family Fool + Makes a joke that's _too_ French, + Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages! + + Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, + And your senses with toothache you're losing, + Don't be mopy and flat--they don't fine you for that, + If you're properly quaint and amusing! + Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, + And took with her your trifle of money; + Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- + They don't blame you--as long as you're funny! + It's a comfort to feel + If your partner should flit, + Though _you_ suffer a deal, + _They_ don't mind it a bit-- + They don't blame you--so long as you're funny! + + + + + +THE PHILOSOPHIC PILL. + + + I've wisdom from the East and from the West, + That's subject to no academic rule: + You may find it in the jeering of a jest, + Or distil it from the folly of a fool. + I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind! + I can trick you into learning with a laugh; + Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find + A grain or two of truth among the chaff! + + I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, + The upstart I can wither with a whim; + He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, + But his laughter has an echo that is grim. + When they're offered to the world in merry guise, + Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will-- + For he who'd make his fellow creatures wise + Should always gild the philosophic pill! + + + + + +THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY. + + + When all night long a chap remains + On sentry-go, to chase monotony + He exercises of his brains, + That is, assuming that he's got any, + Though never nurtured in the lap + Of luxury, yet I admonish you, + I am an intellectual chap, + And think of things that would astonish you. + I often think it's comical + How Nature always does contrive + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive + Is either a little Liberal, + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + + When in that house M.P.'s divide, + If they've a brain and cerebellum, too. + They're got to leave that brain outside. + And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. + But then the prospect of a lot + Of statesmen, all in close proximity. + A-thinking for themselves, is what + No man can face with equanimity. + Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal + That Nature wisely does contrive + That every boy and every gal + That's born into the world alive, + Is either a little Liberal, + Or else a little Conservative! + Fal lal la! + + + + + +SORRY HER LOT. + + + Sorry her lot who loves too well, + Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, + Had are the sighs that own the spell + Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly; + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When Love is alive and Hope is dead! + + Sad is the hour when sets the Sun-- + Dark is the night to Earth's poor daughters + When to the ark the wearied one + Flies from the empty waste of waters! + Heavy the sorrow that bows the head + When Love is alive and Hope is dead! + + + + + +THE JUDGE'S SONG. + + + When I, good friends, was called to the Bar, + I'd an appetite fresh and hearty, + But I was, as many young barristers are, + An impecunious party. + I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue-- + A brief which I bought of a booby-- + A couple of shirts and a collar or two, + And a ring that looked like a ruby! + + In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, + Like a semi-despondent fury; + For I thought I should never hit on a chance + Of addressing a British Jury-- + But I soon got tired of third class journeys, + And dinners of bread and water; + So I fell in love with a rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + + The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, + And replied to my fond professions: + "You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, + At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. + You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, + "And a very nice girl you'll find her-- + She may very well pass for forty-three + In the dusk, with a light behind her!" + + The rich attorney was as good as his word: + The briefs came trooping gaily, + And every day my voice was heard + At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. + All thieves who could my fees afford + Relied on my orations, + And many a burglar I've restored + To his friends and his relations. + + At length I became as rich as the Gurneys-- + An incubus then I thought her, + So I threw over that rich attorney's + Elderly, ugly daughter. + The rich attorney my character high + Tried vainly to disparage-- + And now, if you please, I'm ready to try + This Breach of Promise of Marriage! + + + + + +TRUE DIFFIDENCE. + + + My boy, you may take it from me, + That of all the afflictions accurst + With which a man's saddled + And hampered and addled, + A diffident nature's the worst. + Though clever as clever can be-- + A Crichton of early romance-- + You must stir it and stump it, + And blow your own trumpet, + Or, trust me, you haven't a chance. + + Now take, for example, _my_ case: + I've a bright intellectual brain-- + In all London city + There's no one so witty-- + I've thought so again and again. + I've a highly intelligent face-- + My features cannot be denied-- + But, whatever I try, sir, + I fail in--and why, sir? + I'm modesty personified! + + As a poet, I'm tender and quaint-- + I've passion and fervor and grace-- + From Ovid and Horace + To Swinburne and Morris, + They all of them take a back place, + Then I sing and I play and I paint; + Though none are accomplished as I, + To say so were treason: + You ask me the reason? + I'm diffident, modest and shy! + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER. + + + I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, + And left him, gaily prattling + With a highly respectable Gondolier, + Who promised the Royal babe to rear, + And teach him the trade of a timoneer + With his own beloved bratling. + + Both of the babes were strong and stout, + And, considering all things, clever. + Of that there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + Time sped, and when at the end of a year + I sought that infant cherished, + That highly respectable Gondolier + Was lying a corpse on his humble bier-- + I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear-- + That Gondolier had perished. + + A taste for drink, combined with gout, + Had doubled him up for ever. + Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, + To his terrible taste for tippling, + That highly respectable Gondolier + Could never declare with a mind sincere + Which of the two was his offspring dear, + And which the Royal stripling! + + Which was which he could never make out, + Despite his best endeavour. + Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- + No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + No possible doubt whatever. + + The children followed his old career-- + (This statement can't be parried) + Of a highly respectable Gondolier: + Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)-- + But _which_ of the two is not quite clear-- + Is the Royal Prince you married! + + Search in and out and round about + And you'll discover never + A tale so free from every doubt-- + All probable, possible shadow of doubt-- + All possible doubt whatever! + + + + + +DON'T FORGET. + + + Now, Marco dear, + My wishes hear: + While you're away + It's understood + You will be good, + And not too gay. + To every trace + Of maiden grace + You will be blind, + And will not glance + By any chance + On womankind! + If you are wise, + You'll shut your eyes + 'Till we arrive, + And not address + A lady less + Than forty-five; + You'll please to frown + On every gown + That you may see; + And O, my pet, + You won't forget + You've married me! + + O, my darling, O, my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + O, don't forget you've married me! + + You'll lay your head + Upon your bed + At set of sun. + You will not sing + Of anything + To any one: + You'll sit and mope + All day, I hope, + And shed a tear + Upon the life + Your little wife + Is passing here! + And if so be + You think of me, + Please tell the moon: + I'll read it all + In rays that fall + On the lagoon: + You'll be so kind + As tell the wind + How you may be, + And send me words + By little birds + To comfort me! + + And O, my darling, O, my pet, + Whatever else you may forget, + In yonder isle beyond the sea, + O, don't forget you've married me! + + + + + +THE DARNED MOUNSEER. + + + I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, + And, off Cape Finistere, + A merchantman we see, + A Frenchman, going free, + So we made for the bold Mounseer. + D'ye see? + We made for the bold Mounseer! + But she proved to be a Frigate--and she up with her ports, + And fires with a thirty-two! + It come uncommon near, + But we answered with a cheer, + Which paralyzed the Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Which paralyzed the Parley-voo! + + Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, + "That chap we need not fear,-- + We can take her, if we like, + She is sartin for to strike, + For she's only a darned Mounseer, + D'ye see? + She's only a darned Mounseer! + But to fight a French fal-lal--it's like hittin' of a gal-- + It's a lubberly thing for to do; + For we, with all our faults, + Why, we're sturdy British salts, + While she's but a Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + A miserable Parley-voo!" + + So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, + As we gives a compassionating cheer; + Froggee answers with a shout + As he sees us go about, + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, + D'ye see? + Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer! + And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek + (Which is what them, furriners do), + And they blessed their lucky stars? + We were hardy British tars + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, + D'ye see? + Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo! + + + + + +THE HUMANE MIKADO. + + + A more humane Mikado never + Did in Japan exist, + To nobody second, + I'm certainly reckoned + A true philanthropist, + It is my very humane endeavor + To make, to some extent, + Each evil liver + A running river + Of harmless merriment. + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + All prosy dull society sinners, + Who chatter and bleat and bore, + Are sent to hear sermons + From mystical Germans + Who preach from ten to four, + The amateur tenor, whose vocal villanies + All desire to shirk, + Shall, during off hours, + Exhibit his powers + To Madame Tussaud's waxwork. + The lady who dyes a chemical yellow, + Or stains her grey hair puce, + Or pinches her figger, + Is blacked like a nigger + With permanent walnut juice. + The idiot who, in railway carriages, + Scribbles on window panes, + We only suffer + To ride on a buffer + In Parliamentary trains. + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + The advertising quack who wearier + With tales of countless cures. + His teeth, I've enacted, + Shall all be extracted + By terrified amateurs. + The music hall singer attends a series + Of masses and fugues and "ops" + By Bach, interwoven + With Sophr and Beethoven, + At classical Monday Pops. + The billiard sharp whom any one catches, + His doom's extremely hard-- + He's made to dwell + In a dungeon cell + On a spot that's always barred. + And there he plays extravagant matches + In fitless finger-stalls, + On a cloth untrue + With a twisted cue, + And elliptical billiard balls! + + My object all sublime + I shall achieve in time-- + To let the punishment fit the crime-- + The punishment fit the crime; + And make each prisoner pent + Unwillingly represent + A source of innocent merriment, + Of innocent merriment! + + + + + +THE HOUSE OF PEERS. + + + When Britain really ruled the waves-- + (In good Queen Bess's time) + The House of Peers made no pretence + To intellectual eminence, + Or scholarship sublime; + Yet Britain won her proudest bays + In good Queen Bess's glorious days! + + When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, + As every child can tell, + The House of Peers, throughout the war, + Did nothing in particular, + And did it very well; + Yet Britain set the world a-blaze + In good King George's glorious days! + + And while the House of Peers withholds + Its legislative hand. + And noble statesmen do not itch + To interfere with matters which + They do not understand, + As bright will shine Great Britain's rays, + As in King George's glorious days! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE ÆSTHETE. + + + If you're anxious for to shine in the high æsthetic line, + as a man of culture rare, + You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, + and plant them everywhere. + You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your + complicated state of mind, + The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter + of a transcendental kind. + And everyone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, + "If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for _me_, + Why, what a very singularly deep young man + this deep young man must be!" + + Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have + long since passed away, + And convince 'em if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was + Culture's palmiest day. + Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and + declare it's crude and mean, + And that art stopped short in the cultivated court + of the Empress Josephine, + And everyone will say, + As you walk your mystic way, + "If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for _me_, + Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth + this kind of youth must be!" + + Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must + excite your languid spleen, + An attachment _a la_ Plato for a bashful young potato, + or a not-too-French French bean. + Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle + in the high æsthetic band, + If you walk down Picadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediæval hand. + And everyone will say, + As you walk your flowery way, + "If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not + suit _me_, + Why, what a most particularly pure young man + this pure young man must be!" + + + + + +PROPER PRIDE. + + + The Sun, whose rays + Are all ablaze + With ever living glory, + Does not deny + His majesty-- + He scorns to tell a story! + He don't exclaim + "I blush for shame, + So kindly be indulgent," + But, fierce and bold, + In fiery gold, + He glories all effulgent! + + I mean to rule the earth. + As he the sky-- + We really know our worth, + The Sun and I! + + Observe his flame, + That placid dame, + The Moon's Celestial Highness; + There's not a trace + Upon her face + Of diffidence or shyness: + She borrows light + That, through the night, + Mankind may all acclaim her! + And, truth to tell, + She lights up well, + So I, for one, don't blame her! + + Ah, pray make no mistake, + We are not shy; + We're very wide awake, + The Moon and I! + + + + + +THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER. + + + Whene'er I poke + Sarcastic joke + Replete with malice spiteful, + The people vile + Politely smile + And vote me quite delightful! + Now, when a wight + Sits up all night + Ill-natured jokes devising, + And all his wiles + Are met with smiles, + It's hard, there's no disguising! + Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + When German bands + From music stands + Play Wagner imper_fect_ly-- + I bid them go-- + They don't say no, + But off they trot directly! + The organ boys + They stop their noise + With readiness surprising, + And grinning herds + Of hurdy-gurds + Retire apologizing! + Oh, don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, + And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! + + I've offered gold, + In sums untold, + To all who'd contradict me-- + I've said I'd pay + A pound a day + To any one who kicked me-- + I've bribed with toys + Great vulgar boys + To utter something spiteful, + But, bless you, no! + They _will_ be so + Confoundedly politeful! + In short, these aggravating lads + They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, + They give me this and they give me that, + And I've nothing whatever to grumble at! + + + + + +THE WORKING MONARCH. + + + Rising early in the morning, + We proceed to light our fire; + Then our Majesty adorning + In its work-a-day attire, + We embark without delay + On the duties of the day. + + First, we polish off some batches + Of political dispatches, + And foreign politicians circumvent; + Then, if business isn't heavy, + We may hold a Royal levee, + Or ratify some acts of Parliament; + Then we probably review the household troops-- + With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!" + Or receive with ceremonial and state + An interesting Eastern Potentate, + After that we generally + Go and dress our private valet-- + (It's rather a nervous duty--he's a touchy little man) + Write some letters literary + For our private secretary-- + He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can. + Then, in view of cravings inner, + We go down and order dinner; + Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate-- + Spend an hour in titivating + All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting; + Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State. + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King; + Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great; + But the privilege and pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State! + + After luncheon (making merry + On a bun and glass of sherry), + If we've nothing particular to do, + We may make a Proclamation, + Or receive a Deputation-- + Then we possibly create a Peer or two. + Then we help a fellow creature on his path + With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath: + Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State + To a festival, a function, or a _fete_. + Then we go and stand as sentry + At the Palace (private entry), + Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro, + While the warrior on duty + Goes in search of beer and beauty + (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go). + He relieves us, if he's able, + Just in time to lay the table, + Then we dine and serve the coffee; and at half-past twelve or one, + With a pleasure that's emphatic, + We retire to our attic + With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done. + Oh, philosophers may sing + Of the troubles of a King, + But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none; + And the culminating pleasure + That we treasure beyond measure + Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done! + + + + + +THE ROVER'S APOLOGY. + + + Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray; + Though I own that my heart has been ranging, + Of nature the laws I obey, + For nature is constantly changing. + The moon in her phases is found, + The time and the wind and the weather, + The months in succession come round, + And you don't find two Mondays together. + Consider the moral, I pray, + Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, + Who loves this young lady to-day, + And loves that young lady to-morrow. + + You cannot eat breakfast all day, + Nor is it the act of a sinner, + When breakfast is taken away + To turn your attention to dinner; + And it's not in the range of belief, + That you could hold him as a glutton, + Who, when he is tired of beef, + Determines to tackle the mutton. + But this I am ready to say, + If it will diminish their sorrow, + I'll marry this lady to-day, + And I'll marry that lady to-morrow! + + + + + +WOULD YOU KNOW? + + + Would you know the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a? + Eyes must be downcast and staid, + Cheeks must flush for shame-a! + She may neither dance nor sing, + But, demure in everything, + Hang her head in modest way, + With pouting lips that seem to say + "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die of shame-a." + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a! + + When a maid is bold and gay, + With a tongue goes clang-a, + Flaunting it in brave array, + Maiden may go hang-a! + Sunflower gay and hollyhock + Never shall my garden stock; + Mine the blushing rose of May, + With pouting lips that seem to say, + "Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, + Though I die for shame-a!" + Please you, that's the kind of maid + Sets my heart a flame-a! + + +[Illustration] + + + + +THE MAGNET AND THE CHURN. + + + A magnet hung in a hardware shop, + And all around was a loving crop + Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, + Offering love for all their lives; + But for iron the magnet felt no whim, + Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, + From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, + For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn! + His most æsthetic, + Very magnetic + Fancy took this turn-- + "If I can wheedle + A knife or needle, + Why not a Silver Churn?" + + And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, + The needles opened their well drilled eyes, + The pen-knives felt "shut up," no doubt, + The scissors declared themselves "cut out." + The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, + While every nail went off its head, + And hither and thither began to roam, + Till a hammer came up--and drove it home, + While this magnetic + Peripatetic + Lover he lived to learn, + By no endeavor, + Can Magnet ever + Attract a Silver Churn! + + + + + +BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR. + + + Braid the raven hair, + Weave the supple tress, + Deck the maiden fair + In her loveliness; + Paint the pretty face, + Dye the coral lip. + Emphasize the grace + Of her ladyship! + Art and nature, thus allied, + Go to make a pretty bride! + + Sit with downcast eye, + Let it brim with dew; + Try if you can cry, + We will do so, too. + When you're summoned, start + Like a frightened roe; + Flutter, little heart, + Color, come and go! + Modesty at marriage tide + Well becomes a pretty bride! + + + + + +IS LIFE A BOON? + + + Is life a boon? + If so? it must befal + That Death, whene'er he call, + Must call too soon. + Though fourscore years he give, + Yet one would pray to live + Another moon! + What kind of plaint have I, + Who perish in July? + I might have had to die, + Perchance, in June! + + Is life a thorn? + Then count it not a whit! + Man is well done with it; + Soon as he's born + He should all means essay + To put the plague away: + And I, war-worn, + Poor captured fugitive, + My life most gladly give-- + I might have had to live + Another morn! + + + + + +A MIRAGE. + + + Were I thy bride, + Then the whole world beside + Were not too wide + To hold my wealth of love-- + Were I thy bride! + Upon thy breast + My loving head would rest, + As on her nest + The tender turtle dove-- + Were I thy bride! + + This heart of mine + Would be one heart with thine, + And in that shrine + Our happiness would dwell-- + Were I thy bride! + And all day long + Our lives should be a song: + No grief, no wrong + Should make my heart rebel-- + Were I thy bride! + + The silvery flute, + The melancholy lute, + Were night owl's hoot + To my low-whispered coo-- + Were I thy bride! + The skylark's trill + Were but discordance shrill + To the soft thrill + Of wooing as I'd woo-- + Were I thy bride! + + The rose's sigh + Were as a carrion's cry + To lullaby + Such as I'd sing to thee, + Were I thy bride! + A feather's press + Were leaden heaviness + To my caress. + But then, unhappily, + I'm not thy bride! + + + + + +A MERRY MADRIGAL. + + + Brightly dawns our wedding day; + Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! + Whither, whither art thou fleeting? + Fickle moment, prithee stay! + What though mortal joys be hollow? + Pleasures come, if sorrows follow: + Though the tocsin sound, ere long, + Ding dong! Ding dong! + Yet until the shadows fall + Over one and over all, + Sing a merry madrigal-- + Fal la! + + Let us dry the ready tear; + Though the hours are surely creeping, + Little need for woeful weeping, + Till the sad sundown is near. + All must sip the cup of sorrow-- + I to-day and thou to-morrow: + This the close of every song-- + Ding dong! Ding dong! + What, though solemn shadows fall, + Sooner, later, over all? + Sing a merry madrigal-- + Fal la! + + + + + +THE LOVE-SICK BOY. + + + When first my old, old love I knew, + My bosom welled with joy; + My riches at her feet I threw; + I was a love-sick boy! + No terms seemed too extravagant + Upon her to employ-- + I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, + Just like a love-sick boy! + + But joy incessant palls the sense; + And love, unchanged will cloy, + And she became a bore intense + Unto her love-sick boy! + With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, + And I grew cold and coy, + At last, one morning, I became + Another's love-sick boy! + + * * * * * + +HENRY ALTEMUS' PUBLICATIONS. + +PHILADELPHIA. PA. + + +STEPHEN. A SOLDIER OF THE CROSS, by Florence Morse Kingsley, author +of "Titus, a Comrade of the Cross." "Since Ben-Hur no story has so +vividly portrayed the times of Christ."--_The Bookseller._ Cloth, +12mo., 369 pages. $1.25. + +PAUL. A HERALD OF THE CROSS, by Florence Morse Kingsley, "A vivid +and picturesque narrative of the life and times of the great Apostle." +Cloth, ornamental, 12mo., 450 pages, $1.50. + +VIC. THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A FOX TERRIER, by Marie More Marsh. "A +fitting companion to that other wonderful book, 'Black Beauty.'" +Cloth, 12mo., 50 cents. + +WOMAN'S WORK IN THE HOME, by Archdeacon Farrar. Cloth, small 18mo., +50 cents. + +THE APOCRYPHAL BOOKS OF THE NEW TESTAMENT, being the gospels and +epistles used by the followers of Christ in the first three centuries +after his death, and rejected by the Council of Nice, A.D. 325. Cloth, +8vo., illustrated, $2.00. + +THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, _as John Bunyan wrote it_. A fac-simile +reproduction of the first edition, published in 1678. Antique cloth, +12mo., $1.25. + +THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR, by Hildegarde Hawthorne. "The +grand-daughter of Nathaniel Hawthorne possesses a full share of his +wonderful genius." Cloth, 16mo., $1.25. + +A LOVER IN HOMESPUN, by F. Clifford Smith. Interesting tales of +adventure and home life in Canada. Cloth, 12mo., 75 cents. + +ANNIE BESANT: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. Cloth, 12mo., 368 pages, +illustrated. $2.00. + +THE GRAMMAR OF PALMISTRY, by Katharine St. Hill. Cloth, 12mo., +illustrated, 75 cents. + +AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY MINUTES. Contains over 100 photographs of +the most famous places and edifices with descriptive text. Cloth, 50 +cents. + +WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW. A woman's book about women. By Mrs. E.B. +Duffy. Cloth, 320 pages, 75 cents. + +THE CARE OF CHILDREN, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. "An excellent book of +the most vital interest," Cloth, 12mo., $1.00. + +PREPARATION FOR MOTHERHOOD, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. Cloth, 12mo., +320 pages, $1.00. + +ALTEMUS' CONVERSATION DICTIONARIES. English-German, English-French. +"Combined dictionaries and phrase books." Pocket size, each $1.00. + +TAINE'S ENGLISH LITERATURE, translated from the French by Henry Van +Laun, illustrated with 20 fine photogravure portraits. Best English +library edition, four volumes, cloth, full gilt, octavo, per set, +$10.00. Half calf, per set, $12.50. Cheaper edition, with frontispiece +illustrations only, cloth, paper titles, per set $7.50. + +SHAKESPEARE'S COMPLETE WORKS, with a biographical sketch by Mary +Cowden Clark, embellished with 64 Boydell, and numerous other +illustrations, four volumes, over 2000 pages. Half Morocco, 12mo., +boxed, per set, $3.00. + + * * * * * + +DORE'S MASTERPIECES + +THE DORE BIBLE GALLERY. A complete panorama of Bible History, +containing 100 full-page engravings by Gustave Dore. + +MILTON'S PARADISE LOST, with 50 full-page engravings by Gustave +Dore. + +DANTE'S INFERNO, with 75 full-page engravings by Gustave Dore. + +DANTE'S PURGATORY AND PARADISE, with 60 full-page engravings by +Gustave Dore. + +Cloth, ornamental, large quarto (9 x 12 inches), each $2.00. + + * * * * * + +TENNYSON'S IDYLLS OF THE KING, with 37 full-page engravings by +Gustave Dore. Cloth, full gilt, large imperial quarto (11 x 14-1/2 +inches), $4.50. + +THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, with +46 full page engravings by Gustave Dore. Cloth, full gilt, large +imperial quarto (11 x 14-1/2 inches), $3.00. + +BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, with 100 engravings by Frederick +Barnard and others. Cloth, small quarto (9 x 10 inches), $1.00. + +DICKENS' CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND, with 75 fine engravings by +famous artists. Cloth, small quarto, boxed (9 x 10 inches), $1.00. + +BIBLE PICTURES AND STORIES, 100 full page engravings. Cloth, small +quarto (7 x 9 inches), $1.00. + +MY ODD LITTLE FOLK, some rhymes and verses about them, by Malcolm +Douglass. Numerous original engravings. Cloth, small quarto (7 x 9), +$1.00. + +PAUL AND VIRGINIA, by Bernardin St. Pierre, with 125 engravings by +Maurice Leloir. Cloth, small quarto (9 x 10), $1.00. + +LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE, with 120 original engravings +by Walter Paget. Cloth, octavo (7-1/2 x 9-3/4), $1.50. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' ILLUSTRATED LIBRARY OF STANDARD AUTHORS. + +Cloth, Twelve Mo. Size, 5-1/2 x 7-3/4 Inches. Each $1.00. + + +TALES FROM SHAKESPEARE, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with 155 +illustrations by famous artists. + +PAUL AND VIRGINIA, by Bernardin de St. Pierre, with 125 engravings +by Maurice Leloir. + +ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, AND THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND +WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE, by Lewis Carroll. Complete in one volume with +92 engravings by John Tenniel. + +LUCILE, by Owen Meredith, with numerous illustrations by George Du +Maurier. + +BLACK BEAUTY, by Anna Sewell, with nearly 50 original engravings. + +SCARLET LETTER, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, with numerous original +full-page and text illustrations. + +THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne, with numerous +original full-page and text illustrations. + +BATTLES OF THE WAR FOR INDEPENDENCE, by Prescott Holmes, with 7 +illustrations. + +BATTLES OF THE WAR FOR THE UNION, by Prescott Holmes, with 80 +illustrations. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' YOUNG PEOPLES' LIBRARY + +_PRICE FIFTY CENTS EACH._ + + +ROBINSON CRUSOE: (Chiefly in words of one syllable). His life and +strange, surprising adventures, with 70 beautiful illustrations by +Walter Paget. + +ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, with 49 illustrations by John +Tenniel. "The most delightful of children's stories. Elegant and +delicious nonsense."--_Saturday Review._ + +THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS AND WHAT ALICE FOUND THERE, a companion to +"Alice in Wonderland," with 50 illustrations by John Tenniel. + +BUNYAN'S PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, with 50 full page and text +illustrations. + +A CHILD'S STORY OF THE BIBLE, with 72 full page illustrations. + +A CHILD'S LIFE OF CHRIST, with 49 illustrations. God has implanted +in the infant heart a desire to hear of Jesus, and children are early +attracted and sweetly riveted by the wonderful Story of the Master +from the Manger to the Throne. + +SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, with 50 illustrations. The father of the +family tells the tale of the vicissitudes through which he and his +wife and children pass, the wonderful discoveries made and dangers +encountered. The book is full of interest and instruction. + +CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS AND THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA, with 70 +illustrations Every American boy and girl should be acquainted with +the story of the life of the great discoverer, with its struggles, +adventures, and trials. + +THE STORY OF EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERY IN AFRICA, with 80 +illustrations. Records the experiences of adventures and discoveries +in developing the "Dark Continent," from the early days of Bruce and +Mungo Park down to Livingstone and Stanley, and the heroes of our own +times. No present can be more acceptable than such a volume as this, +where courage, intrepidity, resource, and devotion are so admirably +mingled. + +THE FABLES OF ÆSOP. Compiled from the best accepted sources. With 62 +illustrations. The fables of Æsop are among the very earliest +compositions of this kind, and probably have never been surpassed for +point and brevity. + +GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. Adapted for young readers. With 50 +illustrations. + +MOTHER GOOSE'S RHYMES, JINGLES AND FAIRY TALES, with 234 +illustrations. + +LIVES OF THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES, by Prescott Holmes. +With portraits of the Presidents and also of the unsuccessful +candidates for the office; as well as the ablest of the Cabinet +officers. It is just the book for intelligent boys, and it will help +to make them intelligent and patriotic citizens. + +THE STORY OF ADVENTURE IN THE FROZEN SEAS, with 70 illustrations. By +Prescott Holmes. We have here brought together the records of the +attempts to reach the North Pole. The book shows how much can be +accomplished by steady perseverance and indomitable pluck. + +ILLUSTRATED NATURAL HISTORY, by the Rev. J.G. Wood, with 80 +illustrations. This author has done more to popularize the study of +natural history than any other writer. The illustrations are striking +and life-like. + +A CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND, by Charles Dickens, with 50 +illustrations. Tired of listening to his children memorize the twaddle +of old fashioned English history the author covered the ground in his +own peculiar and happy style for his own children's use. When the work +was published its success was instantaneous. + +BLACK BEAUTY, THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A HORSE, by Anna Sewell, with 50 +illustrations. A work sure to educate boys and girls to treat with +kindness all members of the animal kingdom. Recognized as the greatest +story of animal life extant. + +THE ARABIAN NIGHTS ENTERTAINMENTS, with 130 illustrations. Contains +the most favorably known of the stories. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' DEVOTIONAL SERIES. + +Standard Religious Literature Appropriately Bound in Handy Volume +Size. Each Volume contains Illuminated Title, Portrait of Author and +Appropriate Illustrations. + +_WHITE VELLUM, SILVER AND MONOTINT, BOXED, EACH FIFTY CENTS._ + + +1 KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Will +perpetuate her name." + +2 MY KING AND HIS SERVICE, OR DAILY THOUGHTS FOR THE KING'S +CHILDREN, by Frances Ridley Havergal. "Simple, tender, gentle, and +full of Christian love." + +3 MY POINT OF VIEW. Selections from the works of Professor Henry +Drummond. + +4 OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST, by Thomas A'Kempis. "With the +exception of the Bible it is probably the book most read in Christian +literature." + +5 ADDRESSES, by Professor Henry Drummond. "Intelligent sympathy with +the Christian's need." + +6 NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD, by Professor Henry Drummond. +"A most notable book which has earned for the author a world-wide +reputation." + +7 ADDRESSES, by the Rev. Phillips Brooks. "Has exerted a marked +influence over the rising generation." + +8 ABIDE IN CHRIST. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Fellowship with +the Son of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. It cannot fail to stimulate +and cheer.--_Spurgeon._ + +9 LIKE CHRIST. Thoughts on the Blessed Life of Conformity to the Son +of God. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. A sequel to "Abide in Christ." "May +be read with comfort an edification by all." + +10 WITH CHRIST IN THE SCHOOL OF PRAYER, by the Rev. Andrew Murray. +"The best work on prayer in the language." + +11 HOLY IN CHRIST. Thoughts on the Calling of God's Children to be +holy as He is Holy. By the Rev. Andrew Murray. "This sacred theme is +treated Scripturally and robustly without spurious sentimentalism." + +12 THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST, by Thomas Hughes, author of "Tom Brown's +School Days," etc. "Evidences of the sublimest courage and manliness +in the boyhood, ministry, and in the last acts of Christ's life." + +13 ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Seven +Addresses on common vices and their results. + +14 THE PATHWAY OF SAFETY, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. Sound +words of advice and encouragement on the text "What must I do to be +saved?" + +15 THE CHRISTIAN LIFE, by the Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden, D.D. A +beautiful delineation of an ideal life from the conversion to the +final reward. + +16 THE THRONE OF GRACE. Before which the burdened soul may cast +itself on the bosom of infinite love and enjoy in prayer "a peace +which passeth all understanding." + +17 THE PATHWAY OF PROMISE, by the author of "The Throne of Grace." +Thoughts consolatory and encouraging to the Christian pilgrim as he +journeys onward to his heavenly home. + +18 THE IMPREGNABLE ROCK OF HOLY SCRIPTURE, by the Rt. Hon William +Ewart Gladstone, M.P. The most masterly defence of the truths of the +Bible extant. The author says: The Christian Faith and the Holy +Scriptures arm us with the means of neutralizing and repelling the +assaults of evil in and from ourselves. + +19 STEPS INTO THE BLESSED LIFE, by the Rev. F.B. Meyer, B.A. A +powerful help towards sanctification. + +20 THE MESSAGE OF PEACE, by the Rev. Richard W. Church, D.D. Eight +excellent sermons on the advent of the Babe of Bethlehem and his +influence and effect on the world. + +21 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +22 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +23 THE CHANGED CROSS; AND OTHER RELIGIOUS POEMS. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' ETERNAL LIFE SERIES. + +Selections from the writings of well-known religious authors, +beautifully printed and daintily bound with original designs in silver +and ink. + +_PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME._ + + +1 ETERNAL LIFE, by Professor Henry Drummond. + +2 LORD, TEACH US TO PRAY, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +3 GOD'S WORD AND GOD'S WORK, by Martin Luther. + +4 FAITH, by Thomas Arnold. + +5 THE CREATION STORY, by Honorable William E. Gladstone. + +6 THE MESSAGE OF COMFORT, by Rt. Rev. Ashton Oxenden. + +7 THE MESSAGE OF PEACE, by Rev. R.W. Church. + +8 THE LORD'S PRAYER AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, by Dean Stanley. + +9 THE MEMOIRS OF JESUS, by Rev. Robert F. Horton. + +10 HYMNS OF PRAISE AND GLADNESS, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +11 DIFFICULTIES, by Hannah Whitall Smith. + +12 GAMBLERS AND GAMBLING, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +13 HAVE FAITH IN GOD, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +14 TWELVE CAUSES OF DISHONESTY, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +15 THE CHRIST IN WHOM CHRISTIANS BELIEVE, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks. + +16 IN MY NAME, by Rev. Andrew Murray. + +17 SIX WARNINGS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +18 THE DUTY OF THE CHRISTIAN BUSINESSMAN, by Rt. Rev. Phillips +Brooks. + +19 POPULAR AMUSEMENTS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +20 TRUE LIBERTY, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +21 INDUSTRY AND IDLENESS, by Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +22 THE BEAUTY OF A LIFE OF SERVICE, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +23 THE SECOND COMING OF OUR LORD, by Rev. A.T. Pierson, D.D. + +24 THOUGHT AND ACTION, by Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +25 THE HEAVENLY VISION, by Rev. F.B. Meyer. + +26 MORNING STRENGTH, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +27 FOR THE QUIET HOUR, by Edith V. Bradt. + +28 EVENING COMFORT, by Elisabeth R. Scovil. + +29 WORDS OF HELP FOR CHRISTIAN GIRLS, by Rev. F.B. Meyer. + +30 HOW TO STUDY THE BIBLE, by Rev. Dwight L. Moody. + +31 EXPECTATION CORNER, by E.S. Elliot. + +32 JESSICA'S FIRST PRAYER, by Hesba Stratton. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS BELLES-LETTRES SERIES. + +A collection of Essays and Addresses by eminent English and American +Authors, beautifully printed and daintily bound, with original designs +in silver. + +_PRICE, 25 CENTS PER VOLUME._ + + +1 INDEPENDENCE DAY, by Rev. Edward E. Hale. + +2 THE SCHOLAR IN POLITICS, by Hon. Richard Olney. + +3 THE YOUNG MAN IN BUSINESS, by Edward W. Bok. + +4 THE YOUNG MAN AND THE CHURCH, by Edward W. Bok. + +5 THE SPOILS SYSTEM, by Hon. Carl Schurz. + +6 CONVERSATION, by Thomas DeQuincey. + +7 SWEETNESS AND LIGHT, by Matthew Arnold. + +8 WORK, by John Ruskin. + +9 NATURE AND ART, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +10 THE USE AND MISUSE OF BOOKS, by Frederic Harrison. + +11 THE MONROE DOCTRINE: ITS ORIGIN, MEANING AND APPLICATION, by +Prof. John Bach McMaster (University of Pennsylvania). + +12 THE DESTINY OF MAN, by Sir John Lubbock. + +13 LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +14 RIP VAN WINKLE, by Washington Irving. + +15 ART, POETRY AND MUSIC, by Sir John Lubbock. + +16 THE CHOICE OF BOOKS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +17 MANNERS, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +18 CHARACTER, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +19 THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW, by Washington Irving. + +20 THE BEAUTIES OF NATURE, by Sir John Lubbock. + +21 SELF RELIANCE, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +22 THE DUTY OF HAPPINESS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +23 SPIRITUAL LAWS, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +24 OLD CHRISTMAS, by Washington Irving. + +25 HEALTH, WEALTH AND THE BLESSING OF FRIENDS, by Sir John Lubbock. + +26 INTELLECT, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +27 WHY AMERICANS DISLIKE ENGLAND, by Prof. Geo. B. Adams (Yale). + +28 THE HIGHER EDUCATION AS A TRAINING FOR BUSINESS, by Prof. Harry +Pratt Judson (University of Chicago). + +29 MISS TOOSEY'S MISSION. + +30 LADDIE. + +31 J. COLE, by Emma Gellibrand. + + * * * * * + +ALTEMUS' NEW ILLUSTRATED VADEMECUM SERIES. + +Masterpieces of English and American literature, Handy Volume Size, +Large Type Editions. Each Volume Contains Illuminated Title Pages, and +Portrait of Author and Numerous Engravings + + Full Cloth, ivory finish, ornamental inlaid sides and back, boxed 40 + Full White Vellum, full silver and monotint, boxed 50 + + +1 CRANFORD, by Mrs. Gaskell. + +2 A WINDOW IN THRUMS, by J.M. Barrie. + +3 RAB AND HIS FRIENDS, MARJORIE FLEMING, ETC., by John Brown, M.D. + +4 THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD, by Oliver Goldsmith. + +5 THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW, by Jerome K. Jerome. "A book +for an idle holiday." + +6 TALES FROM SHAKSPEARE, by Charles and Mary Lamb, with an +introduction by the Rev. Alfred Ainger, M.D. + +7 SESAME AND LILIES, by John Ruskin. Three Lectures--I. Of the +King's Treasures. II. Of Queen's Garden. III. Of the Mystery of Life. + +8 THE ETHICS OF THE DUST, by John Ruskin. Ten lectures to little +housewives on the elements of crystalization. + +9 THE PLEASURES OF LIFE, by Sir John Lubbock. Complete in one +volume. + +10 THE SCARLET LETTER, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +11 THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +12 MOSSES FROM AN OLD MANSE, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +13 TWICE TOLD TALES, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +14 THE ESSAYS OF FRANCIS (LORD) BACON WITH MEMOIRS AND NOTES. + +15 ESSAYS, First Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +16 ESSAYS, Second Series, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. + +17 REPRESENTATIVE MEN, by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Mental portraits each +representing a class. 1. The Philosopher. 2. The Mystic. 3. The +Skeptic. 4. The Poet. 5. The Man of the World. 6. The Writer. + +18 THOUGHTS OF THE EMPEROR MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS, translated by +George Long. + +19 THE DISCOURSES OF EPICTETUS WITH THE ENCHIRIDION, translated by +George Long. + +20 OF THE IMITATION OF CHRIST, by Thomas À Kempis. Four books +complete in one volume. + +21 ADDRESSES, by Professor Henry Drummond. The Greatest Thing in the +World; Pax Vobiscum; The Changed Life; How to Learn How; Dealing With +Doubt; Preparation for Learning: What is a Christian; The Study of the +Bible; A Talk on Books. + +22 LETTERS, SENTENCES AND MAXIMS, by Lord Chesterfield. Masterpieces +of good taste, good writing and good sense. + +23 REVERIES OF A BACHELOR. A book of the heart. By Ik Marvel. + +24 DREAM LIFE, by Ik Marvel. A companion to "Reveries of a +Bachelor." + +25 SARTOR RESARTUS, by Thomas Carlyle. + +26 HEROES AND HERO WORSHIP, by Thomas Carlyle. + +27 UNCLE TOM'S CABIN, by Harriet Beecher Stowe. + +28 ESSAYS OF ELIA, by Charles Lamb. + +29 MY POINT OF VIEW. Representative selections from the works of +Professor Henry Drummond by William Shepard. + +30 THE SKETCH BOOK, by Washington Irving. Complete. + +31 KEPT FOR THE MASTER'S USE, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +32 LUCILE, by Owen Meredith. + +33 LALLA ROOKH, by Thomas Moore. + +34 THE LADY OF THE LAKE, by Sir Walter Scott. + +35 MARMION, by Sir Walter Scott. + +36 THE PRINCESS; AND MAUD, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +37 CHILDE HAROLD'S PILGRIMAGE, by Lord Byron. + +38 IDYLLS OF THE KING, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +39 EVANGELINE, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. + +40 VOICES OF THE NIGHT AND OTHER POEMS, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow. + +41 THE QUEEN OF THE AIR, by John Ruskin. A study of the Greek myths +of cloud and storm. + +42 THE BELFRY OF BRUGES AND OTHER POEMS, by Henry Wadsworth +Longfellow. + +43 POEMS, Volume I, by John Greenleaf Whittier. + +44 POEMS, Volume II, by John Greenleaf Whittier. + +45 THE RAVEN; AND OTHER POEMS, by Edgar Allan Poe. + +46 THANATOPSIS; AND OTHER POEMS, by William Cullen Bryant. + +47 THE LAST LEAF; AND OTHER POEMS, by Oliver Wendell Holmes. + +48 THE HEROES OR GREEK FAIRY TALES, by Charles Kingsley. + +49 A WONDER BOOK, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +50 UNDINE, by de La Motte Fouque. + +51 ADDRESSES, by the Rt. Rev. Phillips Brooks. + +52 BALZAC'S SHORTER STORIES, by Honore de Balzac. + +53 TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MAST, by Richard H. Dana, Jr. + +54 BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. An Autobiography. + +55 THE LAST ESSAYS OF ELIA, by Charles Lamb. + +56 TOM BROWN'S SCHOOL-DAYS, by Thomas Hughes. + +57 WEIRD TALES, by Edgar Allan Poe. + +58 THE CROWN OF WILD OLIVE, by John Ruskin. Three lectures on Work, +Traffic and War. + +59 NATURAL LAW IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD, by Professor Henry Drummond. + +60 ABBE CONSTANTIN, by Ludovic Halevy. + +61 MANON LESCAUT, by Abbe Prevost. + +62 THE ROMANCE OF A POOR YOUNG MAN, by Octave Feuillet. + +63 BLACK BEAUTY, by Anna Sewell. + +64 CAMILLE, by Alexander Dumas, Jr. + +65 THE LIGHT OF ASIA, by Sir Edwin Arnold. + +66 THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME, by Thomas Babington Macaulay. + +67 THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ENGLISH OPIUM-EATER, by Thomas De Quincey. + +68 TREASURE ISLAND, by Robert L. Stevenson. + +69 CARMEN, by Prosper Merimee. + +70 A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY, by Laurence Sterne. + +71 THE BLITHEDALE ROMANCE, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. + +72 BAB BALLADS, AND SAVOY SONGS, by W.H. Gilbert. + +73 FANCHON, THE CRICKET, by George Sand. + +74 POEMS, by James Russell Lowell. + +75 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +76 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES, by the Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon. + +77 THE MANLINESS OF CHRIST, by Thomas Hughes. + +78 ADDRESSES TO YOUNG MEN, by the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. + +79 THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE, by Oliver Wendell Holmes. + +80 MULVANEY STORIES, by Rudyard Kipling. + +81 BALLADS, by Rudyard Kipling. + +82 MORNING THOUGHTS, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +83 TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR ROOM, by T.S. Arthur. + +84 EVENING THOUGHTS, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +85 IN MEMORIAM, by Alfred (Lord) Tennyson. + +86 COMING TO CHRIST, by Frances Ridley Havergal. + +87 HOUSE OF THE WOLF, by Stanley Weyman. + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN POLITICS (non-Partisan), by Hon. Thomas V. Cooper. A +history of all the Political Parties with their views and records on +all important questions. All political platforms from the beginning to +date. Great Speeches on Great issues. Parliamentary Practice and +tabulated history of chronological events. A library without this work +is deficient. 8vo., 750 pages. Cloth, $3.00. Full Sheep Library style, +$4.00. + +NAMES FOR CHILDREN, by Elisabeth Robinson Scovil, author of "The +Care of Children," "Preparation for Motherhood." In family life there +is no question of greater weight or importance than naming the baby. +The author gives much good advice and many suggestions on the subject. +Cloth, 12mo., $.40. + +TRIF AND TRIXY, by John Habberton, author of "Helen's Babies." The +story is replete with vivid and spirited scenes; and is incomparably +the happiest and most delightful work Mr. Habberton has yet written. +Cloth, 12mo., $.35. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS*** + + +******* This file should be named 15370-8.txt or 15370-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/7/15370 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |