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diff --git a/15338.txt b/15338.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b82a85e --- /dev/null +++ b/15338.txt @@ -0,0 +1,30669 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, More Toasts, Edited by Marion Dix Mosher + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: More Toasts + +Editor: Marion Dix Mosher + +Release Date: March 12, 2005 [eBook #15338] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MORE TOASTS*** + + +E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +MORE TOASTS + +Jokes, Stories and Quotations + +Compiled by + +MARION DIX MOSHER +Librarian, Genesee Branch, Rochester (N.Y.) Public Library + +New York +The H. W. Wilson Company +London: Grafton & Co. + +1922 + + + + + + + + * * * * * + +BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIES +AND QUOTATIONS + +TOASTER'S HANDBOOK. Peggy Edmond and +Harold Workman Williams. 501p. $1.80 + +MORE TOASTS. Marion D. Mosher. 552p. $1.80 + + * * * * * + + + + +CONTENTS + + PREFACE + + INTRODUCTION + The Divine Gift of Humor + The Function of Humor + Importance of Humor + + MORE TOASTS + + INDEX + + + + +PREFACE + + +The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to +compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New +subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster needs +up-to-date stories to fit the up-to-date subjects. No public occasion +of today is complete without its joke on the nineteenth amendment, the +allied debts, the income tax, etc. + +In offering the toasts, jokes, quotations and stories in this +second volume, the editor has endeavored to bring further aid to the +distracted toastmaster, to the professional after-dinner speaker who +must change his stories often, and to individuals inexperienced in +public speaking and so unfortunate as to have public addresses forced +upon them. He views the product with much the same feeling as did +Alexander Pope, who said, "O'er his books his eyes began to roll, in +pleasing memory of all he stole." + +Paolo Bellezze expressed the same feelings in the introduction to his +work "Humor" when he said "Of this work of mine, I must confess it is +a great lot of stuff gathered from everywhere except from my brain.... +It is a necklace of pearls strung upon a slender cord; that, I have +put there; the pearls have been furnished me by the most famous +jewelers, native and foreign. This said, I can--without being accused +of pride--recommend it to my respectable customers as an article of +great value and of absolute novelty." + +In making this collection, files of such magazines as Life, Judge, +Puck and Punch were drawn on extensively; also magazines having +humorous pages or columns, such as the Literary Digest, Ladies' Home +Journal, Everybody's, Harper's; also Bindery Talk and various other +house organs. According to Samuel Johnson "A man will turn over half +a library to make one book," and the compiler of this one makes humble +acknowledgment to a whole library of books and periodicals where most +of these jokes have already appeared. It has been impossible to give +credit unless the place of first publication was definitely known. + +The compiling of "More Toasts" was in large measure cooperative. The +test of the humor of a story or joke is in its efficacy when applied +to normal people under ordinary circumstances. With this philosophy in +mind the editor made it a rule to include nothing until it had first +been "tried on the dog." The original material was first graded into +three classes and, before being accepted, each joke had to stand the +test of appealing to the sense of humor of several persons. The result +is a collection of very carefully selected jokes and stories, only +about fifty per cent of the material originally chosen being used. +If any over-critical reader fails to find them humorous, may not the +fault possibly be due to his own imperfect sense of humor? + +There is also much truth in the statement that the point of a jest +lies in the telling of it and often much of the subtle humor is lost +in the reading. The personality of the speaker is a necessary factor +and is frequently more important in the effect produced by the story +than the story itself. Elbert Hubbard once said "Next in importance to +the man who first voices a great thought is the man who quotes it." + +The clever compiler, like a good chef, must not only know what to +select but in what order to present it. Knowledge consists in being +able to find a thing when you want it and accordingly an attempt has +been made to pigeonhole each joke where it would be most useful. Such +a classification is at best a difficult and debatable question, and +numerous cross references have been placed wherever it was thought +they might direct the reader to the subject wanted. + +With these few explanatory words, the editor presents this little +volume, sincerely hoping that it may prove a friend in need to all who +seek the relaxation of humor, and a lifesaver to that legion of +humble men whose knees tremble when the chairman speaks those fateful +words--"The next speaker of the evening...." + +M.D.M. + +November, 1922. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +What can be more fitting than that a compiled book should have a +compiled introduction? Why should one with great pains and poor +prospects of success attempt to do what has already been well done? +Knowing that all readers of this book have a sense of humor and that +they will approve our decision we begin with a quotation from an +article[1] by Mr. E. Lyttelton. + +[Footnote 1: The Nineteenth Century. July, 1922.] + + + The Divine Gift of Humor + + The subject of humor has an attraction peculiarly its own, + because it deals with a mystery which yet is pleasantly + interwoven with the daily life of each one of us. We often say + of one of our neighbors that he has no sense of humour. But he + often laughs; he never spends a day without at least trying to + laugh, tho it remains but an attempt, an effort, an aspiration + after something which he seems to have lost but wishes to + recover. Either, that is, he remains grave when others laugh, + or he laughs, as Horace says, "with alien jaws," by constraint + rather than because he cannot help it. He has a confused idea + that it is expected of him. Such laughter is apparently the + outcome of an uneasy sense of duty, a dismal travesty of the + real thing.... + + Certainly humour is a singularly elusive thing, and I doubt + if anyone alive can explain it; but its elusiveness gives it + something of its charm; and, moreover, the illustrations which + are necessary to an inquiry into its nature, its scope and + meaning, are apt to be amusing without being irrelevant. + + Humour has often been roughly described as a sense of the + incongruous. More satisfying, however, is the following, which + has been ascribed to Dean Inge: It is a sense of incongruous + emotions. As soon as we think of the emotions being stirred + we see that the strange difference between humourous and + unhumourous people is not an intellectual matter, but follows + the general law of emotional susceptibility, viz., that it is + independent of the reason and varies within wide limits + with each individual, and obviously with each nationality. + Moreover, it appears that, as it is compounded of two + emotions, one man may feel one of the emotions but be dull + to the other, according to his temperament. It is a matter of + sensitiveness, and in sensitiveness no two of us are alike. + + Crudely judged, then, humour may be described as a blessing of + nature bestowed on all, but in widely varying measure, so + that in the case of some of our acquaintance we deplore its + non-existence, but never in ourselves. Nobody really believes + that he is wholly without it, partly because, in proportion as + the sense is really defective, the defect must be in its own + nature unperceived, but also because the gift is so precious, + so winsome, that no one could bear to believe that it has + been denied him. By a merciful law of nature, the delusion is + unsuspected, for assuredly, if any wholly unhumorous person + once realised the full extent of his privation, nothing could + save him from "wretchlessness" and despair. + + I prefer to believe that, like the sense of beauty, the love + of music, the thrill of admiration for uncalculating heroism, + we have here a wondrous aid to us in our life's pilgrimage, + but that if we trace it to a sense of our self-interest, we + not only vulgarize it, but we turn it into a caricature. For + there is in humour this singular property; its aroma is so + subtle, delicate and undefinable that the effort to buttress + it upon coarse, common utility is doomed to fail, and in the + mere attempt humour vanishes. There is something deliciously + contagious about laughter that is quite sincere and + unthinking; whereas the only people who contrive to be always + absurd, but never amusing, are those who laugh from a sense of + duty. + + Humour, then, in the young is restricted in scope, their + experience of life being small; in women it is quicker than in + men, but shallower; in the Scotch it is reticent, in the Irish + voluble and refined, but cold. But wherever it is found + free from counterfeit, wholesome and contagious, it is the + offspring of man's heaven-bestowed power of seeing in the + meannesses of earth the true presence of the Divine. + +Darwin says the causes of humor are legion and exceedingly complex and +various disquisitions upon humor and laughter would seem to support +him. Its social nature is emphasized by Edwin Paxton Hood: + + The sources of all laughter and merriment are in the cordial + sympathies of our nature. Laughter is very nearly related + to the highest and most instinctive wisdom; it stands at no + distant remove from Judgment on the one hand, and Imagination + on the other; and it is a proof of a healthy nature, for both + thinking and acting. + +C.S. Evans in his article "On Humor in Literature" gives a hint of the +evolutionary process of its mechanism and its higher refinement: + + On the lower plane of humor you get a laugh by the most + unimaginative means--merely conceive a recognized humorous + situation, or bring several things together according to a + recipe, and the thing is done. Every practised comedian, + in literature or on the stage, is an adept at it. But the + creation of character, the expression--in terms of the words + and actions of men and women--of that "social gesture" which + is laughter's source, is a much greater thing, for there we + touch the symbolism which is the soul of art. + + +The Function of Humor + +In an article entitled "Why Do We Laugh?" William McDougall discusses +scientifically the value of laughter: + + Laughter of man presents a problem with which philosophers + have wrestled in all ages with little success. Man is the only + animal that laughs. And, if laughter may properly be called an + instinctive reaction, the instinct of laughter is the only one + peculiar to the human species.... + + We are saved from this multitude of small sympathetic pains + and depressions by laughter, which, as we have seen, breaks + up our train of mental activity and prevents our dwelling upon + the distressing situation, and which also provides an antidote + to the depressing influence in the form of physiological + stimulation that raises the blood-pressure and promotes + the circulation of the blood. This, then, is the biological + function of laughter, one of the most delicate and beautiful + of all nature's adjustments. In order that man should reap the + full benefits of life in the social group, it was necessary + that his primitive sympathetic tendencies should be strong and + delicately adjusted. For without this, there could be little + mutual understanding, and only imperfect cooperation and + mutual aid in the more serious difficulties and embarrassments + of life. But, in endowing man with delicately responsive + sympathetic tendencies, nature rendered him liable to suffer + a thousand pains and depressions upon a thousand occasions of + mishap to his fellows, occasions so trivial as to call for no + effort of support or assistance. Here was a dilemma--whether + to leave man so little sympathetic that he would be incapable + of effective social life; or to render him effectively + sympathetic and leave him subject to the perpetually renewed + pains of sympathy, which, if not counteracted, would seriously + depress his vitality and perhaps destroy the species. Nature, + confronted with this problem, solved it by the invention + of laughter. She endowed man with the instinct to laugh on + contemplation of these minor mishaps of his fellow men; and + so made them occasions of actual benefit to the beholder; + all those things which, apart from laughter, would have + been mildly displeasing and depressing, became objects and + occasions of stimulating beneficial laughter.... + + For laughter is no exception to the law of primitive sympathy; + but rather illustrates it most clearly and familiarly; the + infectiousness of laughter is notorious and as irresistible + as the infection of fear itself.... The great laugher is the + person of delicately responsive sympathetic reactions; and his + laughter quickly gives place to pity and comforting support, + if our misfortune waxes more severe. Such persons are in + little danger of giving offense by their laughter; for we + detect their ready sympathy and easily laugh with them; they + teach us to be humorous. + +H. Merian Allen in his essay "Little Laughs in History" says "The +relaxation of a full laugh clears the brain, restores fit contact +with one's fellows, and so smoothes the way for the solving of knotty +problems." + +Linus W. Kline, Ph.D., further elucidates the psychical office of +humor as follows: + + The psychical function of humor is to delicately cut the + surface tension of consciousness and disarrange its structure + that it may begin again from a new and strengthened base. It + permits our mental forces to reform under cover, as it were, + while the battle is still on. Then, too, it clarifies the + field and reveals the strategetic points, or, to change the + figure, it pulls off the mask and exposes the real man. No + stimulus, perhaps more mercifully and effectually breaks the + surface tension of consciousness, thereby conditioning the + mind for a stronger forward movement, than that of humor. It + is the one universal dispensary for human kind: a medicine for + the poor, a tonic for the rich, a recreation for the fatigued + and a beneficient check to the strenuous. It acts as a shield + to the reformer, as an entering wedge to the recluse and as a + decoy for barter and trade. + +Humor is as necessary to our mental and spiritual life as are vitamins +to our physical well-being. Ruskin has called our attention to the +tendency of rivers to lean a little to one side, to have "One shingly +shore upon which they can be shallow and foolish and childlike, and +another steep shore under which they can pause and purify themselves +and get their strength of waves fully together for due occasions," and +has likened them to great men who must have one side of their life +for work and another for play. Action and reaction must be balanced: +seriousness and lightness. "Men who work prodigously must play with +equal energy," says one commentator. "Humor is the gift of the deeply +serious man," remarks another. "There have been very few solemn men, +but their solemnity was evidence, not of their gifts, but of their +defects; as a rule greatness is accompanied by the overflow of the +fountain of life in play." "The richly furnished mind overflows +with vitality and deals with ideas and life freely, daringly, often +audaciously." + +The function of the catalyst in chemical reactions is to help other +bodies to get on together, but in doing this it only lends its +presence. + + CATALYST. A chemical body which by its presence, is capable + of inducing chemical changes in other bodies while itself + remaining unchanged. + +In quite the same way humor, by its mere presence, serves to smooth +the way in all human relations. It contributes a socializing touch. +"Humor makes the whole world akin." + + +Importance of Humor + +Not only the toastmaster needs to have a sense of humor and a +collection of funny stories, and not only the preacher, the public +speaker and entertainer, but everyone, as well, who must influence +others. The "voice with a smile" wins because behind the voice is a +sense of humor. We have more confidence in those who have a sense +of humor. The following is quoted from a persuasive advertisement +entitled "The Gentle Art of Telling a Humorous Story Well": + + The most successful men and women are those who know how to + get along with their fellow-beings, who know how to win and + hold good will. In fact, the biggest problem in business and + society today is the human problem, the problem of making + people like you and making people feel kindly towards each + other. + + And nothing oils the wheels of human relationship so nicely + as humor. Abraham Lincoln understood this when he saved many + a critical situation by the introduction of one of his famous + anecdotes. Humor has its place in serious business life, and + in social life it is the universal passport to popularity. + +The importance of humor in our daily life, often emphasized by +scientists and philosophers, has been well summarized by Justin +McCarthy in an article "Humor as an Element of Success": + + I am strongly of the opinion that the quick and abiding sense + of humour is a great element of success in every department + of life. I do not speak merely of success in the more strictly + artistic fields of human work, but am willing to maintain that + even in the prosaic and practical concerns of human existence, + the sense of humour is an exciting and sustaining influence to + carry a man successfully thru to the full development of his + capacity and the attainment of his purpose.... + + In the stories of great events and great enterprises we are + constantly told of some heaven-born leader who kept alive, + thru the most trying hours of what otherwise might have been + utter and enfeebling depression, the energies, the courage and + the hope of his comrades and his followers. + +During thousands of years nature has developed in the human body many +"safety first" signal systems. For example, when the body becomes +chilled this signal system causes us to shiver and tickles the throat +making us cough and in this way thru exercise stimulates the blood +circulation. + +Perhaps in ages to come nature will find a way to tickle our sense +of humor when we are angry, discouraged, or otherwise mentally +discomfitted and will thus help us thru laughter to throw off the soul +chill and to regain spiritual poise. + + + + + + +MORE TOASTS + + + + +ABSENT-MINDEDNESS + + +This story is told of an absent-minded professor at Drew Theological +Seminary. One evening while studying he had need of a book-mark. +Seeing nothing else handy, he used his wife's scissors, which lay on +the sewing-table. A few minutes later the wife wanted the scissors, +but a diligent search failed to reveal them. + +The next day the professor appeared before his class and opened his +book. There lay the scissors. He picked them up and, holding them +above his head, shouted: + +"Here they are, dear!" + +Yes, the class got it. + + +Deep in a ponderous calculation, the professor leaned over his desk. +One hand held his massive brow; the other guided the pencil. + +Suddenly the library door was flung open, and a nurse entered, smiling +broadly. + +"There's a little stranger upstairs, professor," she announced, of +course referring to the very latest arrival. + +"Eh?" grunted the man of learning, poring deeply over his problem. + +"It's a little boy," remarked the nurse, still smiling. + +"Little boy," mused the professor. "Little boy-eh? Well ask him what +he wants." + + +A story is current concerning a professor who is reputed to be +slightly absent-minded. The learned man had arranged to escort his +wife one evening to the theater. "I don't like the tie you have on. I +wish you would go up and put on another," said his wife. + +The professor tranquilly obeyed. Moment after moment elapsed, until +finally the impatient wife went upstairs to learn the cause of the +delay. In his room she found her husband undressed and getting into +bed. + + +"How will you have your roast beef?" asked the waiter. + +"Well done, good and faithful servant," murmured the clerical-looking +diner absent-mindedly. + +_See also_ Habit; Memory. + + + + +ACCIDENTS + + +Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. Blank called to her +maid in the adjoining room, "Norah, what on earth are you doing?" + +"I ain't doin' nothin', mum," replied Norah; "it's done." + + +A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded street +had the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a store. He +immediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, but he had been +seen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in company with several +salesmen, and was soon caught. + +"Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he had +regained his breath. "You have broken my window!" + +"I sure have," admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me running home +to get the money to pay for it?" + + + There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast + He'd get his car across the track before the train came past; + He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore. + There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any more. + + + + +ACCURACY + + +In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with a +serious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and examined +him, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seemingly +unconscious. + +After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give him +sixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the doctor had +left the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth of +brandy for her father. + +The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: "Sixpenn'orth, +the doctor said." + + +An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed: +"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed out +to the new reporters. + +One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a +public meeting. The editor read it through and came to the sentence: +"Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the +speaker." + +"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded, +wrathfully. + +"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was a +one-eyed man in the audience!" + + + + + +ACTORS AND ACTRESSES + + +FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the public +wept during my death scene?" + +SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that it +was only acted!" + + +"These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as if he were +in love with the star?" + +"Can't act at all," said the director. "Trouble is, he is in love with +her." + + +The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture on +Australia. "There is one animal," she said, "none of you have +mentioned. It does not stand up on its legs all the time. It does not +walk like other animals, but takes funny little skips. What is it?" +And the class yelled with one voice, "Charlie Chaplin!" + + +Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with tonsilitis, +and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his favorite, Charlie +Chaplin, clipped from the pages of the motion-picture pictorials. + +One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied earnestly a +full-page drawing of the million-dollar comedian. + +"Mother," he asked, "will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?" + +"Why, yes--I hope so," answered the somewhat astonished parent. + +"Gee! won't the Lord have some fun then!" was Robert's comment. + + +Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the visitor +faced the proprietor of the film studio. "I would like to secure a +place in your moving-picture company," he said. + +"You are an actor?" asked the film man. + +"Yes." + +"Had any experience acting without audiences?" + +A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor's eyes as he replied: + +"Acting without audiences is what brought me here!" + + +It was a death-bed scene, but the director was not satisfied with the +hero's acting. + +"Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying!" + + +"Pa, what's an actor?" + +"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, +peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, +a number of bored stage hands and a lot of theatrical odds and ends +and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!'" + + +"There were two actresses in an early play of mine," said an author, +"both very beautiful; but the leading actress was thin. She quarreled +one day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel by +saying, haughtily: 'Remember, please, that I am the star.' + +"'Yes, I know you're the star,' the other retorted, eyeing with an +amused smile the leading actress's long, slim figure, 'but you'd look +better, my dear, if you were a little meteor!'" + + +INTERVIEWER--"What is your wife's favorite dish?" + +HUSBAND OF FAMOUS MOVIE ACTRESS--"In the magazines it is peach-bloom +fudge-cake with orangewisp salad, but at home it is tripe and +cabbage."--_Puck_. + + +The actress stood before her mirror, in doublet and hose, and regarded +her thin legs anxiously. + +"I'm not exactly a poem," said she, "but I may pass for heroic verse." + + + + +ADVERTISING + + +_The Question is How Much More?_ + +TO RENT--In private home, a large, handsomely furnished front room; +also a medium-sized one; every convenience; centrally and very +choicely located; rent more than reasonable. Address, etc.-- + + +Advertising is the test of integrity; the proof of integrity; +that transmits an ever-increasing confidence to both producer and +purchaser. + + +"I won't pay one cent for my advertising this week," declared the +store-keeper angrily to the editor of the country paper. "You told me +you'd put the notice of my shoe-polish in with the reading-matter." + +"And didn't I do it?" inquired the editor. + +"No, sir!" roared the advertiser. "No, sir, you did not! You put it in +the column with a mess of poetry, that's where you put it!" + + +"Paw, what is an advertisement?" + +"An advertisement is the picture of a pretty girl eating, wearing, +holding or driving something that somebody wants to sell." + + +A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recital +printed in the paper of a small town. + +"I told your man three or four times," complained the musician to +the owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuine +Stradivarius, and in his story there was not a word about it, not a +word." + +Whereupon the owner said with a laugh: + +"That is as it should be. When Mr. Stradivarius gets his fiddles +advertised in my paper under ten cents a line, you come around and let +me know." + + +"Oh, we called about the flat advertised." + +"Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the house-agent's +description of it, I really feel I can't part with it." + + +CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Your advertisement begins: 'Wanted: Silent +Partner.'" + +ADVERTISER--"Yes, that's right." + +CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Do you want this placed under Business +Opportunities or Matrimony?" + + +"Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab-driver, standing in front +of the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of your car." + +The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: "Sometimes when +business is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It's empty, +but you've no idea how many people'll jump in for a short drive when +they see it." + + +Recently the L. P. Ross Shoe Company inserted an advertisement in a +Rochester paper for vampers and closers-up. Among the answers received +was one from a young lady who signed herself Miss Mabelle Jones and +gave her address as General Delivery, Rochester. The letter said in +part: + +"_Gentlemen_: I have seen your ad for vampires and close-ups and I +would like the job. I have been studying to vamp for several years and +have been practising eye work for a long while. My gentlemen friends +tell me that I have the other movie vamps backed off the map. I +have made a particular study of Theda Bara. I don't know much about +close-ups, but suppose I could learn. I have a good form, swell brown +eyes, and a fine complexion." + +"If you would like, I will call and show you what I can do. I have +been looking for a vampire job, but never saw no ads in the papers +before." + "Yours," + "MABELLE JONES." + +"P. S.--Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I have just come to +Rochester and so I haven't got many clothes."--_Rochester Herald_. + + + _His Little Ad_ + + There was a man in our town + And he was wondrous wise; + He swore (it was his policy) + He would not advertise. + But one day he did advertise, + And thereby hangs a tail, + The "ad" was set in quite small type, + And headed "Sheriff's Sale." + + +Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while in +London. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when he +visited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decided +that the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that there +should be more display of his attraction. + +Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the front +be brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lights +spelling his name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name +"Holmes." + +The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him to +authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmes +traveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner, +who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr. +Holmes to the janitor of the theater. + +"I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an +hour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detail +of the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater +was a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put +up the sign. I asked him why?" + +"Because it would attract too much attention to the theater," the +janitor replied. + + +"What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman. +"Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want them +pants," said the old farmer, leading the way to the window and +pointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5.20." + +_See also_ Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship. + + + + +ADVICE + + +The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn't +let you know what advice he wants. + + +Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice. + + +It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easier +teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to +follow mine own teaching.--_Shakespeare_. + + +Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who might +profit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit by +it--if they could, they wouldn't need it. + + + How often have my kindly friends, + (When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow), + Recalling random odds and ends + Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!" + + But when 'twas I who warned, and they + Who heeded not, and came to woe, + I wonder why they'd never say: + "That's right, old chap, you told me so!" + + + + +AFTER DINNER SPEECHES + + + _Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_ + + Three long breaths. + Compliment to the audience. + Funny Story. + Outline of what speaker is _not_ going to say. + Points that he will touch on later. + Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. + Outline of what speaker _is_ going to say. + Points that he has not time to touch on now. + Reference to what he said first. + Funny Story. + Compliment to the audience. + Ditto to our City, State and Country. + Applause. + +N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three +times in slightly different words.--_Mary Eleanor Roberts_. + + +"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked the +editor with the copy in his hand. + +"Yes, sir," replied the reporter. + +"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think that +is proper?" + +"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would +make any table groan." + + +_See also_ Politicians; Public speakers. + + + + +AGE + + +HE--"How old are you?" + +SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three." + +HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two." + + +A judge asked a woman her age. + +"Thirty," she replied. + +"You've given that age in this court for the last three years." + +"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thing +tomorrow." + + +"Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street and +see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning." + +"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned and +reported: + +"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is." + + +"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?" + +"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust." + +"Gracious! How was that?" + +"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original of +this is carefully preserved.'" + + +Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragedienne +wrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at the +right time." + + +When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasant +thoughts. + + +"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked a +newspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian. + +"Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman replied. + + +MURIEL--"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty." + +MABEL--"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm +married!"--_Life_. + + + My first gray hair! + I never knew that you were there, + Nor least expected you would come so soon-- + But you are there; + From whence you came or where + I know not, but I care. + + You make me stop and wonder + Why I find you there to-night, + Is it some worry or some fright + That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white? + You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet. + On that your fondest curls you bet, + For just as long as you are there + I'll hide you very neatly--there! + And none will wonder--only I, at you-- + My first gray hair. + + --_Wells Hawks_. + + +One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond being +told he is getting old. + + +_Twenty-One Plus_ + +FIRST SUFFRAGIST--"How old do you think Mabel is?" + +SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeen +votes." + + +A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the census +taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," she +asked--"The Hill twins?" + +"Certainly," replied the census man. + +"And did they tell you their age?" + +"Yes." + +"Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are." + +"Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "Sarah +Stokes, as old as the Hills." + + + I remember, I remember, + The fir trees dark and high; + I used to think their slender tops + Were close against the sky; + It was a childish ignorance, + But now 'tis little joy + To know I'm farther off from heaven + Than when I was a boy. + + +PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as +it is merely an indication of advancing years." + +MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?" + + +"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?" + +"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?" + +"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr. +Jones raised his ante." + + + + +AGRICULTURE + + +"Crop failures?" asked the old timer. + +"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almost +nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres +of corn at one meal!"--_Life_. + +_See also_ Farming; Laws. + + + + +ALARM CLOCKS + + + To-day I bought an alarm-clock, + It has a very loud ring. + I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner, + For every time I hear it I have to get up. + + +A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above +everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every +morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and +the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an +alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But +one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer +immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his +alarm-clock was to blame. + +Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to +find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces, +and discovered a dead cockroach among the works. + +"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't +run--the engineer bane daid." + + +"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes." + +"So did I--an alarm clock." + + +"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is +one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family." + +"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man +behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind that +will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl." + + +_See also_ Philadelphia; Tardiness. + + + + +ALIBI + + +TEACHER--"What is an alibi?" + +BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't." + + + + +ALIMONY + + +_Or Go to Jail_ + +"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend +who was seeking free advice. + +"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married." + + + + +ALPHABET + + +MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, what +comes after 'g'?" + +THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--_Judge_. + + + + +ALTERNATIVES + + +_See_ Choices. + + + + +AMBITION + + +Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home. +Second, to own a car to get away from his home. + + +Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes +concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to +happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an +end.--_Colton_. + + +To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire; +and this desire must shorten thy sleep.--_Ovid_. + + +The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of +glory.--_Cicero_. + + +When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is +boundless.--_Seneca_. + + + + +AMERICANS + + +A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an +advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg +is desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his +left leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase +of boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very +politely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he +never loses his head." + + +"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine +attitude, eh?" + +"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging +to a strap." + + +"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who +George Washington was?" + +"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral." + +"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George +Washington was remarkable for?" + +"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he +was an American and told the truth." + + +A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't +this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said +a Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?" + + + + +AMUSEMENTS + + +It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in +the house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighbors +excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit. +Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes +and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment +and he burst into inappropriate guffaws. + +At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly. + +"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming +eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you +don't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!" + + + + +ANCESTRY + + +HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were +one of the first to come across." + +RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to +come across."--_Judge_. + + +"Pa, what are ancestors?" + +"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another." + +"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?" + + +HE--"My ancestors came over in the _Mayflower_." + +SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter +now." + + + + +ANIMALS + + +It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo. + +"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben. + +After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think +the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails." + + + + +ANTICIPATION + + +"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater +than realization?" + +"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but +realization is longer and flatter." + + + + +ANTIQUES + + +"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile? +When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop." + +"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled +the same stock 'Antiques.'" + + +CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced +it last week and you said three hundred and fifty." + +DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up +so!" + + +AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of +antiques you have been planning?" + +BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers +are on strike in Grand Rapids." + + + + +APARTMENTS + + +MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat." + +JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing." + + +_Necessarily So_ + +"I wonder if they take children in these apartments." + +"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person." + + +"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette +apartment?" + +"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--_Judge_. + + + + +APPEARANCES + + +A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his +wife's appearance shows how much he is spending. + + +In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A man +with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than he +who has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there in +it? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general +system.--_Johnson_. + + +A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by +seeming rich.--_Shenstone_. + + +Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold. +--_Chesterfield_. + + +In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior, +in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may be +said the world's made up of appearances.--_La Rochefoucauld_. + + + + +APPETITE + + +"Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind, +you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders." + +"Isn't my society good enough for them?" + +"Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example." + + +TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?" + +ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am." + +TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?" + +ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see." + + + + +APPLAUSE + + +"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator receives." + +"Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause. +You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and do +absolutely nothing." + + +"The train pulled out before you had finished your speech." + +"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowd +fading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applauding +me or the engineer." + + +A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious +spirit.--_Hannah More_. + + +The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world, +is the highest applause.--_Emerson_. + + + + +ARITHMETIC + + +"Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them four +minutes." + +But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve minutes. + +Which proves the value of higher mathematics. + + +SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)--"If a farmer raises 3,700 bushels of +wheat and sells it for $2.50 per bushel, what will he get?" + +LITTLE BOY--"An automobile." + + +"Now, then, Johnny," said his teacher, "if your father gave you seven +cents and your mother gave you six and your uncle gave you four more, +what would you have?" + +Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for the space of +several minutes. + +"Come, come," said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can solve a +simple little problem like that." + +"It ain't a simple problem at all," replied the boy. "I can't make up +my mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda or go to the movies." + + +In Missouri, where they raise more mules and children than in any +other place in the world, a certain resident died possessed of +seventeen mules and three sons. In his will he disposed of the mules +as follows: One-half to the eldest son, one-third to the next, and +one-ninth to the youngest. + +The administrator who went to divide the property drove a span of +mules out to the farm, but when he went to divide the seventeen into +halves, thirds, and ninths he found it was impossible with live mules; +mules not being very valuable, he unhitched one of his own, putting it +with the other seventeen, making eighteen, when he proceeded to divide +as follows: One-half, or nine to the eldest, one third, or six, to the +next son, and one-ninth, or two, to the youngest. Adding up nine, six, +two, he found that it made seventeen, so he hitched up his mule and +went home rejoicing.--_Ladies Home Journal_. + + +"Now, Harold," said the teacher, "if there were eleven sheep in a +field and six jumped the fence how many would there be left?" + +"None," replied Harold. + +"Why, but there would," said she. + +"No, ma'am, there wouldn't," persisted he. "You may know arithmetic, +but you don't know sheep." + + +One day, as Pat halted at the top of the river-bank, a man famous for +his inquisitive mind stopped and asked: + +"How long have you hauled water for the village, my good man?" + +"Tin years, sor." + +"Ah, how many loads do you take in a day?" + +"From tin to fifteen, sor." + +"Ah, yes! Now I have a problem for you. How much water at this rate +have you hauled in all?" + +The driver of the watering-cart jerked his thumb backward toward the +river and replied: + +"All the water yez don't see there now, sor." + + + + +ARMIES + + +A sentry was giving close attention to his post in the neighborhood of +a British army camp in England, challenging returning stragglers late +after dark. The following is reported as an incident to his vigil: + +"Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound of approaching +footsteps. + +"Coldstream Guards!" was the response. + +"Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry. + +"Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry. + +"Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen pedestrian. + +"Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders!" + +"Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge. + +"None of your d--n business!" was the husky reply. + +"Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry. + + + _Things in the Army that_ + + _Increase_ _Decrease_ + Your appetite. Your surplus fat. + Your respect for the flag. Your self-conceit. + Your love for your mother. Your fastidiousness. + Your promptness. Your selfishness. + Your democracy. Your carelessness. + Your feet. Your finances. + + +A few soldiers belonging to part of a Swiss regiment in garrison at +Basel went to a certain cafe for refreshments. One of them sat down +alone at a table. Later a civilian, a German, joined him and the two +began to talk war politics. "Would you shoot on the Germans if they +invaded Switzerland?" asked the German. + +"Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier. + +"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this brave +man," ordered the civilian. + +"And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shoot +the Germans if they tried to invade this country?" + +"Oh, no, never," retorted the Swiss. + +"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the next table!" +ordered the civilian. + +And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this generally the +view held in the Swiss Army in regard to a possible German invasion? +Are all the Swiss soldiers so Germanophil?" + +"I don't know," replied the soldier. + +"But why would you not shoot the Germans?" + +"Because we belong to the band." + + +OFFICER (to private)--"What are you doing down in that shell-hole? +Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to one?" + +GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)--"Ay. Aa heard you; but aa've killed ma +fower."--_Punch_. + + +"The army must be a terrible place," said Aunt Samanthy, looking up +from the evening paper. + +"What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful spouse. + +"Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and meals is a +mess." + + +Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being asked +what train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't gonna take +no train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se gonna run the first +eighteen, just to make sure they don't change their minds befo' I +leave camp." + + +A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into the army, +became a captain of a company and could not get into the habit of +calling his soldiers men, but invariably referred to them as my +"hands." Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his commanding officer +when the captain turned in a report of an engagement, in which he +said he "had the very good fortune to have only one of my 'hands' shot +through the nose." + + +"Were you happy when you started for France?" + +"Happy? We were in transports." + + +_See also_ Conscription; Military discipline. + + + + +ART AND ARTISTS + + +HENRY--"He may be a great artist, but he has a peculiar way of doing +things." + +HAPPY--"How's that?" + +HENRY--"He says he painted his greatest masterpiece on an empty +stomach." + + +_Impressionistic_ + +Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into the autumn +salon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But the painter, going +to see his masterpiece with Whistler on varnishing day, uttered an +exclamation of dismay. + +"Good Heavens!" he cried, "you're exhibiting my picture upside down." + +"Hush!" said Whistler. "The committee refused it the other way." + + +"If you do good work, your work will grow after you are gone." + +"That's a fact. Rubens left only some 2,000 pictures, but there are +10,000 of his pictures in circulation now." + + +"Luxurious tastes Richleigh has. He has a Corot in his office." + +"That's nothing! I have a whistler in mine." + + +Two ladies, each with her child, visited the Chicago Art Museum. As +they passed the "Winged Victory" the little boy exclaimed: "Huh! She +ain't got no head." "Sh!" the horrified little girl replied, "That's +art; she don't need none!" + + +One of those country gentlemen who owns a farm in Brown County, but +lives in Indianapolis and only spends his weekends on the farm, asked +one of his neighbors down in Brown county: "Did you know that T. C. +Steele sold the picture that he painted on your farm?" The farmer made +no reply to this, and then the country gentleman told him the price +Mr. Steele got for the canvas. "I just wish I had known the feller +liked the place well enough to pay that for a picture of it," the +farmer said. "I'd a' sold him the farm for $200 less than that." + + +ARTIST--"Now, here's a picture--one of my best, too--I've just +finished. When I started out I had no idea what it was going to be." + +FRIEND--"After you got through, how did you find out what it was?" + + +Bessie is a bright one. The other day her teacher set her and her +schoolmates to drawing, letting them choose their own subjects. After +the teacher had examined what the other children had drawn, she took +up Bessie's sheet. + +"Why, what's this?" she said. "You haven't drawn anything at all, +child." + +"Please, teacher, yes, I have," returned Bessie. "It's a war-picture-a +long line of ammunition-wagons at the front. You can't see 'em 'cause +they're camouflaged." + + +"Mark Twain was visiting H.H. Rogers," said a New York editor. "Mr. +Rogers led the humorist into his library. + +"'There,' he said as he pointed to a bust of white marble. 'What do +you think of that?' It was a bust of a young woman coiling her hair-a +graceful example of Italian sculpture. Mr. Clemens looked and then he +said: + +"'It isn't true to nature." + +"'Why not?' Mr. Rogers asked. + +"'She ought to have her mouth full of hairpins,' said the humorist." + +_See also_ Futurist art. + + + + +ASTRONOMY + + +FINNEGAN--"Oh, yis, Oi can undershtand how thim astronomers can +calkilate th' distance av a shtarr, its weight, and dinsity and color +and all thot--but th' thing thot gets me is, how th' divvle do they +know its _name_." + + + I think the stars do nod at me, + But not when people are about; + For they regard me curiously + Whenever I go out. + + Brothers, what is it ye mean, + What is it ye try to say. + That so earnestly ye lean + From the spirit to the clay? + + I may have been a star one day, + One of the rebel host that fell, + And they are nodding down to say. + Come back to us from hell. + + + + +AUTHORS + + +A clever author is one who never asks what they are saying when he is +told that everybody is talking about his latest book. + + +The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a buxom Dutch +girl to do the housework. Several weeks passed and from seeing her +master constantly about the house, the girl received an erroneous +impression. + +"Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank," she said to her mistress one day, "but I +like to say somedings." + +"Well, Rena?" + +The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, "Veil, you +pay me four tollars a veek--" + +"Yes, and I really can't pay you any more." + +"It's not dot," responded the girl; "but I be villing to take tree +tollars till--till your husband gets vork." + + +Kate Douglas Wiggin's choicest possession, she says, is a letter +which she once received from the superintendent of a home for the +feeble-minded. He spoke in glowing terms of the pleasure with which +the "inmates" had read her little book, "Marm Lisa," and ended thus +superbly: + +"In fact, madam, I think I may safely say that you are the favorite +author of the feeble-minded!" + + +Harold Jenks, a syndicate editor of Denver, was talking about the low +rates paid by the magazines. + +"They who write for newspaper syndicates, where their work appears +simultaneously in forty or fifty newspapers all over the country," +said Mr. Jenks, "make a good deal of money. Of course, the magazine +writer, beside such men, isn't one, two, three. + +"A seedy magazine writer dropped in on me this morning to borrow a +quarter. As he left, he said: + +"'Jenks, old man, the difference between a hen and a magazine writer +is this--while they both scratch for a living, the hen gets hers.'" + + +_Consolation_ + +"How did your novel come out?" + +"Well," replied the self-confident man, "it proved beyond all doubt +that it isn't one of these trashy best-sellers." + + +The late Ambassador Walter Hines Page was formerly editor of The +World's Work and, like all editors, was obliged to refuse a great many +stories. A lady once wrote him: + +"_Sir_: you sent back last week a story of mine. I know that you did +not read the story, for as a test I had pasted together pages 18, 19, +and 20, and the story came back with these pages still pasted; and so +I know you are a fraud and turn down stories without reading same." + +Mr. Page wrote back: + +"_Madame_: At breakfast when I open an egg I don't have to eat the +whole egg to discover it is bad." + + +The great novelist summoned his publisher to his luxurious home. + +"Have your salesmen," he asked, "prepared for their semi-annual trip +among the down-trodden booksellers?" + +"They have." + +"Has your publicity man written the usual biographical notices and +arranged for a series of dinners in my honor?" + +"He has." + +"Have your great minds selected a title for my forthcoming work?" + +"Indeed, yes." + +"Then what do you want me to write about?" + +The publisher drew from his pocket a paper. + +"Here is a wonderful plot," he replied. "It has every element--maudlin +sentiment, mystery, touches of your characteristic humor, profound +insight--everything." + +The great author was conservative. He had had experience. + +"I haven't time to read it just now," he said. "But are you sure? How +do you know that it is any good?" + +"Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good. Why, my dear +sir, it has met with the unqualified approval of every member of our +motion-picture department." + + +THE PUBLISHER--"How are you going to introduce accurate local color in +your new story of life in Thibet? You've never been there." + +THE EMINENT AUTHOR--"Neither has any of my public."--_Judge_. + + +"So you got your poem printed?" + +"Yes," replied the author. "I sent the first stanza to the editor of +the Correspondence Column with the inquiry, 'Can anyone give me the +rest of this poem?' Then I sent in the complete poem over another +name!" + + +"Ye think a fine lot of Shakespeare?" + +"I do, sir," was the reply. + +"An' ye think he was mair clever than Rabbie Burns?" + +"Why, there's no comparison between them." + +"Maybe, no; but ye tell us it was Shakespeare who wrote 'Uneasy lies +the head that wears a crown.' Now, Rabbie would never hae sic nonsense +as that." + +"Nonsense, sir!" thundered the other. + +"Ay, just nonsense. Rabbie would hae kent fine that a king or queen +either disna ganga to bed wi' a croon on their head. He'd hae kent +they hang it over the back o' a chair." + + +HOSTESS--"I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anything +vainer than you authors about the things you write." + +HIGHBROW--"There is, madam; our efforts to sell them." + + +"No," said the honest man, "I was never strong at literature. To save +my life I could not tell you who wrote 'Gray's Elegy.'" + + +HENLEY--"How are you getting on with your writing for the magazines?" + +PENLEY--"Just holding my own. They send me back as much as I send +them." + + +Wouldn't it be pleasant if so many authors didn't: + +Let their characters converse for hours without any identification +tags, so that you have to turn back three pages and number off odd +speeches in order to find out who's talking. + +Overwork the "smart" atmosphere, the suspension points and the +seasonal epidemics of such words as "gripping," "virile," "intrigue," +"gesture," etc. + +Stick up a periscope every now and then, like, "Little did he think +how dearly this trifling error was to cost him," or "She was to meet +this man again, under strange circumstances." + +Apply a large hunk of propaganda, like an ice bag, just where the plot +ought to rush ahead. + + +EDITOR--"Historically, this story is incorrect." + +AUTHOR--"But hysterically it is one of the best things I have ever +done." + + +A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal, +Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew where +Huckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of the gemmen." Then +he said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" "No, sah, I never met the +gemmen." "But surely you have heard of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah, +I've never met him, but I've voted for him twice." + + + + +AUTHORSHIP + + +TED--"I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I was +disappointed." + +NED--"That's only natural. The advertisements are better written than +the book." + + + + +AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS + + +"Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" said the +missus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, isn't it?" + +"Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning out, +the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in a +newspaper recently: + + "Here lies the body of William Jay, + Who died maintaining his right of way; + He was right, dead right, as he sped along, + But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong." + + +A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called the +judge asked what the charges were against the prisoner. + +"Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who had made +the arrest. + +"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing that seemed +suspicious?" + +"Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit, +sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side of +the street, so I arrested him." + + +"What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?" + +"Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a picture +post-card of a hospital." + + +A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearing +in his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A second car approached +and stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and asked +in an embarrassed manner, "How much?" + +"One dollar," said the newcomer, and then, after receiving payment, +remarked, "This is a fine field of corn. Wonder who it belongs to?" + + + + +AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING + + +"Has this car got a speedometer?" asked an old gentleman to the +auctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales. The auctioneer +was equal to the occasion and replied: "At thirty miles an hour it +exhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red flag, and at fifty miles +a gramophone begins to play, 'I'm going to be an angel, and with the +angels dwell'" + + +"Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and Lincoln split +rails." + +"I know, dad; but say, did any of these Presidents ever crank a cold +motor in a blizzard for half an hour before he discovered that he +didn't have any gasoline?" + + +The time to buy a used car is just before you move, so people in the +new neighborhood will think you were the one who used it. + +"I understand that you have a new motor-car." + +"Yes." + +"Do you drive it yourself?" + +"Nobody drives it. We coax it." + + +"We deny ourselves much. I am saving to build a house." + +"Is your wife cheerful about it?" + +"Oh, yes. She thinks we're saving for an automobile." + + +SHE--"Tell me, is an F.O.B. Detroit a reliable car?" + + +"I have never owned any automobiles," said the man who hadn't yet paid +for his home, "but I can say one thing in praise of them." + +"What is that?" inquired Henderson. + +"They have made mortgages respectable."--_Judge_. + + +"I see Smith is building a garage. When did he get a car?" + +"He hasn't got one yet, but he's got an option on ten gallons of +gasoline." + + +An irate customer complained to her butcher about finding pieces of +rubber in the sausage meat and demanded an explanation. The butcher +said, "It is only another proof of how the automobile is taking the +place of the horse." + + +"Hello, old top. New car?" + +"No! Old car, new top." + + +A farmer was recently arguing with a French chauffeur, who had +slackened up at an inn, regarding the merits of the horse and the +motor-car. + +"Give me a 'orse," remarked the farmer; "them traveling oil-shops is +too uncertain fer my likin'." + +"Eet is prejudice, my friend." the chauffeur replied; "you Engleesh +are behind ze times; you will think deefairent some day." + +"Behind the times be blowed!" came the retort; "p'r'aps nex' time the +Proosians are round Paris and you have to git your dinner off a steak +from the 'ind wheel of a motor-car, you Frenshmen'll wish you wasn't +so bloomin' well up-to-date!" + + +"What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle. + +"That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you would save in +car-fare, and all that, if you had your own machine," replied Teggard, +who had been worked just that way. + + +An automobile show is a place to which car owners go to hear the +exhibitors confirm their judgment. + + +"I've stopped riding horseback and got a second-hand car." + +"Need more exercise?" + + +"I suppose you think I'm foolish enough to buy that broken-down old +automobile!" + +"Broken-down nothing! With the exception of a busted drive-shaft, +a cracked crank-case, a loose steering-wheel, a bum battery, a +dilapidated differential and faulty ignition, it is just as good as +new. Outside of buying four sets of tires, three new springs, a new +top, two rear axles, a couple of batteries, having the valves ground +sixteen times, the clutch tightened every week and the self-starter +repaired now and then, I have never spent one cent for repairs. +The old boat hasn't been run a mile over one hundred thousand, will +average fourteen gallons to the mile, and absolutely will not exceed +twenty-five miles an hour. It has an extra-fine new coat of paint, +and is fully equipped with a hand pump and switch-key. Because of the +difficulty in shifting gears, I absolutely guarantee your wife will +never be able to drive it, and--" + +"Never mind the rest. I'll take it!" + + +"I thought you owned an automobile." + +"I do, but I taught the wife to drive it, and now I'm back to the +street-cars." + + +"Say, Rastus, I done see de funniest thing t'day." + +"How come, niggah?" + +"I seed an ottermobile with its reah license B--4." + +"Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak that."--_Judge_. + + +The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every darned +horse balks at the same time. + + +BILL--"Just happened to run into an old friend down-town." + +PHIL--"Was he glad to see you?" + +BILL--"You bet not. I smashed his whole right fender." + + +"My brother bought a motor here last week," said an angry man to the +salesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said if anything broke +you would supply him with new parts." + +"Certainly," said the salesman. "What does he want?" + +"He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one elbow, and +about half a yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he wants them at +once." + + +An elderly lady of very prim and severe aspect was seated next a young +couple, who were discussing the merits of their motor-cars. + +"What color is your body?" asked the young man of the girl at his +side, meaning of course, the body of her motor. + +"Oh, mine is pink. What is yours?" + +"Mine," replied the man, "is brown with wide yellow stripes." + +This was too much for the old lady. Rising from the table, she +exclaimed: + +"When young people come to asking each other the color of their bodies +at a dinner-party, it is time I left the room." + + +"Why didn't you stop when I signaled you?" inquired the officer. + +"Well," replied Mr. Chuggins, "it had taken me two hours to get this +old flivver started, and it seemed a shame to stop her merely to avoid +a little thing like being arrested." + + + _Who Can Tell?_ + + Dear Sirs,--About the engine. Well, + We write to let you know + We've waded through the booklet on + "What Makes the Engine Go." + It took us close on half a day + To read through all the guff; + The engine goes all right, but don't + Keep goin' long enough. + It's very good to understand + What makes the engine go. + But why the deuce the d--- thing stops + Is what we want to know. + So now we're making this request, + While tears and curses drop, + Please send along a booklet on + What Makes the Engine Stop. + The folk around here all await + With interest your reply: + To them the reasons why she goes + Don't seem to signify. + So while we wait and chew the cud + Don't let the matter flop; + For Gawd's sake write and let us know + What makes the blighter stop. + +_See also_ Fords; Garages; Horses; Reputation. + + + + +AVIATION + + +TOMMY (to Aviator)--"What is the most deadly poison known?" + +AVIATOR--"Aviation poison." + +TOMMY--"How much does it take to kill a person?" + +AVIATOR--"One drop!" + + +ENTHUSIASTIC AVIATOR (after long explanation of principle and workings +of his biplane)--"Now, you understand it, don't you?" + +YOUNG LADY--"All but one thing." + +AVIATOR--"And that is--?" + +YOUNG LADY--"What makes it stay up?" + + +ENTHUSIAST--"Don't the spectators tire you with the questions they +ask?" + +AVIATOR--"Yes. What else do you want to know?" + + +MANDY--"Rastus, you all knows dat yo' remind me of dem dere flyin' +machines?" + +RASTUS--"No, Mandy, how's dat?" + +MANDY--"Why becays youse no good on earth." + + + + +BACHELORS + + +It is a safe guess that the man who pokes fun at a woman for shopping +all day and not buying anything isn't married. + + +MADGE--"You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor unless you know." + +MARJORIE--"But I do know; I confirmed him." + + +It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimed +that bachellors generally have better quarters. + + + + +BAGGAGE + + +TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)--"Cabby, how much is +it for me to Latchford?" + +CABBY--"Two shillings, sir." + +TOMMY--"How much for my luggage?" + +CABBY--"Free, sir." + +TOMMY--"Take the luggage, I'll walk." + + + + +BALDNESS + + +BALD HEADED GUEST--"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?" + +YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Nothing; only mother has put a brush and comb in your +bedroom." + + +SCEPTIC--"If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, why +don't you use it?" + +SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)--"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance to +bring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness."--_Punch_. + + +"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest optimist I +ever met," said the druggist. + +"That so?" asked the customer. + +"Yes," replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair restorer he +bought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush because he felt sure he'd +need them in a few days." + + +Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were condoling +with each other on their increasing baldness. + +"Well," said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain workers who +lose their hair." + +"Yes," Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. Isn't that so, +Sam?" appealing to the porter. + +"Well, I dunno 'bout dat," the darky replied. "My granddad said dat an +empty bahn doan need no cover." + + + + +BANKS AND BANKING + + +Before the passage of the present strict banking laws in Wisconsin, +starting a bank was a comparatively simple proposition. The +surprizingly small amount of capital needed is well illustrated by the +story a prosperous country-town banker told on himself, when asked how +he happened to enter the banking business: + +"Well," he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented an empty +store building and painted BANK on the window. The first day I was +open for business a man came in and deposited a hundred dollars with +me; the second day another man dropped in and deposited two hundred +and fifty; and so, by George, along about the third day I got +confidence enough in the bank to put in a hundred myself!" + + +A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam deposited +ten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw out his +money. When he presented his check the colored cashier looked at it +doubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money in dis here bank, +but I'll look on de books an' make sure." In a minute he came back and +said: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; but, nigger, de interes' done +eat up dat money." + + +"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my money +is in a bad way." + +"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one of +the strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you that +idea?" + +"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30 +marked 'No funds.'" + + +A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See here, son, I +want to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar if +you direct me to it." + +With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along," and he led the +man to a building a half-block away. + +The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was a +half-dollar easily earned." + +"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that bank-directors +is paid high in Noo Yawk." + + +HE--"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at the +bank is already overdrawn." + +SHE--"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keep +your account in a bank that has plenty of money?" + + +A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked the +cashier to discount his note. The bank cashier said: + +"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some one you +know, a responsible man, to indorse it." + +Cohen said to the cashier: "You know me, und you're responsible; you +indorse it." + + + + +BAPTISM + + +"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had recently been +baptized. + +"Sure I do," piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in swimming +with the preacher last Sunday." + + +Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went well +until Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously turned to +his mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you going to keep?" + + +Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifully +into the clergyman's face. + +"Well, madam," said he to the young wife, "I must congratulate you on +your little one's behavior. I have christened more than 2,000 babies, +but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours." + +The young mother smiled demurely, and said: + +"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practising on him +for the last ten days." + + +"Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lesson +on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessary +to baptism?" + +"Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby." + + +In a small country church, not long since a little child was brought +forward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in his +arms, spoke as follows: + +"Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child. +He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or a +great labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might become +the prime minister of England." + +Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the child?" + +"Mary Ann," was the reply. + + + + +BAPTISTS + + +The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for the +new church. + +"Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?" + +"Why, no, not necessarily. Why?" + +"Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water twelve +miles." + + + + +BARGAINS + + +A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street: "Why, +Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you were going south for +your health." + +"I was," said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a lovely +bargain in operations--a major operation for one thousand dollars--and +of course I can't resist that." + + + +"How much vas dose collars?" + +"Two for a quarter." + +"How much for vun?" + +"Fifteen cents." + +"Giff me de odder vun." + + + +"Ikey," said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for 'a +bargain'?" + +"Sure I can," smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the best of +them." + + +Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by his +hopeful. + +"How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in your +studies for the month of January than for December?" + +Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injured +tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after the +holidays?" + + +Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches both +parties to the trade. + + +A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought he +would be funny at his expense. + +"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for a +shilling." + +"Will ye, now?" said Pat. + +"Yes," he replied. + +The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight pence +into his palm in return. + +"Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?" + +"No," answered Pat; "but the shilling is!" + + + + +BASEBALL + + +"Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." The +small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do +without.-Puck. + +At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team +of similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcher +had gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Another +man came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over. + +"Ball one," yelled the ump. + +The pitcher tried again. + +"Ball two," was the decision. + +Another effort by the hurler. + +"Ball three," said the umpire. + +The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to save +the day. + +"Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out." + +"How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter. + +"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhere +else to put you?" reasoned the umpire. + + +They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked one +player. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although he +said he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ball +pitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched the +ball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" he +said, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball." + + +An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" was +explaining the different plays as they were being made. + +"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan." + +"Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but also +a very dangerous game." + +"Dangerous nothing," replied the fan. + +Just then a runner was put out at second base. + +"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman. + +"Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the fan. + +"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was a +dangerous game." + + +They arrived at the fifth inning. + +"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan. + +"Nothing to nothing," was the reply. + +"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!" + + +At the base ball game. + +SHE--"What's the man running for?" + +HE--"He hit the ball." + +SHE--"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?" + + +An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and during +the play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tip +caught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself, +he asked faintly, "What was it?" + +"A foul--only a foul!" + +"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule." + + + + +BATHS AND BATHING + + +"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as his +mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me, +don't you?" + +"Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put such an idea +into your mind?" + +"Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rub +me out." + + +PA--"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stop +winking his eyes." + +MA--"Really?" + +PA--"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where it +says that every time we wink we give the eye a bath." + + + + +BEAUTY, PERSONAL + + +"Is she very pretty?" + +"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a total +loss." + + +"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape." + +The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain. + +"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his +reply as he turned back to work. + + +"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast, +'None but the brave deserves the fair.'" + +"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an utter +coward, or that he isn't getting what is his due." + + +The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chinese +laundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticed +some Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to the +lettering: + +"That's my name, I suppose?" + +"No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man, +closs-eyed, no teeth.'"--_Everybody's_. + + + + +BEGGING + + +"Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' that +feller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors." + +"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other. + +"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay the +doctor for tellin' him to do it." + + +DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR--"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?" + +BLIND BEGGAR--"I dasn't look up to see--here comes one o' my best +customers!"--_Puck_. + + +He who begs timidly courts a refusal.--_Seneca_. + + +The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarking +curtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside." + +"Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at home and +in clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dress +suit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer me +tonight. I'm dinin' out.'" + + + + +BEQUESTS + + +"There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, pointing +to a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friend +of mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend, +he sent for me and said: + +"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm worth +a lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my other +friends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and when +I'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.' + +"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I bought +this stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?" + + + + +BETTING + + +"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you taking +as much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing." + +"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest in +politics." + +"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?" + +"Why shouldn't you?" + +"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one. +It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has at +last succeeded in picking a winner." + + +A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his first +horse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk one +dollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largest +percentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing his +ticket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars. + +"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured that +he did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?" + + +Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said: +"Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in me +hod." + +Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thry +thot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it." + +Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder. +When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell. +He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story in +triumph. + +"Oi won!" he said. + +"Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer foot +slipped." + + + + +BIBLE INTERPRETATION + + +Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax on +automobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant work. +It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grove +who took a little girl on his knee, and said: + +"'I don't love you, Nellie.'" + +All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little Nellie +frowned and said: + +"'You've got to love me. You've got to.'" + +"'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine. + +"'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hate +you--and I hate you, goodness knows!'" + + +"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the good +deacon. + +"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close," +replied the mere man. + + +WILLIE--"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor hard?" + +PAW--"Because so many people have tramped on it, my son." + + +Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, and after +looking at him intently for a time she said: + +"Grandpa, were you in the ark?" + +"Certainly not, my dear," answered the astonished old man. + +"Then why weren't you drowned?" + + +A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too helpful. At +last it became so embarrassing that he left. + +Not long afterward--he met the curate who had succeeded him. + +"Well," he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?" + +"Oh, very well indeed," said the other. "There is safety in numbers, +you know." + +"Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in Exodus." + + +Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic: + +"The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am afraid, +the religious knowledge of little Eve. + +"'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said to little +Eve." + +"'Oh, yes, sir.'" + +"'And you know your Bible?'" + +"'Oh, yes, sir.'" + +"'Could you perhaps tell me something that is in it?'" + +"'I could tell you everything that's in it.'" + +"'Indeed,' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then.'" + +"'Sister's beau's photo is in it,' said little Eve, promptly, 'and +ma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a lock of my hair cut +off when I was a baby is in it, and the ticket for pa's watch is in +it.'" + + +"Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth commandment +by stealing James's candy?" + +"Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth commandment and have +the candy as to break the tenth and only 'covet' it."--_Life_. + + +"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, to whom +the elderly negro had applied for a job. + +"Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enough +to expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explain +de true meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free.' Dem fool +niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary." + + +The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some of +the leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson, +which might have been as follows: + +"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (He +turned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in +breadth." (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page.) + +He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (Leaf turned.) +"She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and was +pitched within and without--" (Painful pause and sounds of subdued +mirth.) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity. + +"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and +wonderfully made'--and woman also." + + +_See also_ Drinking. + + + + +BIGAMY + + + _The Bugamist._ + + A June bug married an angleworm; + An accident cut her in two. + They charged the bug with bigamy; + Now what could the poor thing do? + + --_Punch Bowl_. + + +A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address: + +"The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It reminds +me of a certain Kansas City police court. + +"A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner. + +"'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded. + +"'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three wives.' + +"'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain't +bigotry. That's trigonometry!'" + + +"I left my money at home," said the lady on the train to the +conductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the directors' +wives." + +"I am sorry, madam," replied the conductor. "I can't do that, even if +you were the director's only wife." + + + + +BILLS + + +COLLECTOR--"Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?" + +HOUSE MEMBER--"Yes; it has passed the first reading." + + +Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of long +standing. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the street +and, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he had +ceased sending around for his order. + +"Why, Mr. Webster," said the tradesman, "I did not think you would +want to deal with me when I've brought suit against you." + +"Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for heaven's +sake don't try to starve me to death!" + + +"My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat." + +"Did you laugh him to scorn?'" + +"I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he was right." + + +TOMMY--"Why do the ducks dive?" + +HARP--"Guess they must want to liquidate their bills." + + +Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. One day +he set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The goods were shipped +immediately; and as Bill had lingered in New York sightseeing, they +reached Croyden Four Corners before him. The goods in an enormous +packing-case were driven to the general store by the local teamster. +Mrs. Sprague came out to see what had arrived and, with a shriek, +tottered and fell. + +"Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl. + +Mrs Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the packing-case, +whereon was stenciled in large black letters: "BILL INSIDE." + + +When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like being +decisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had an "account +rendered" returned to him with the following reply scrawled across the +billhead: "Dear Sir--I never ordered this beastly book. If I did, you +didn't send it. If you sent it, I never got it. If I got it, I +paid for it. If I didn't, I won't. Now go and hang yourself, you +fathead.--Yours very respectfully, John Jones." + + +PATIENT--"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up--something +to put me in fighting-trim. Did you put anything like that in this +prescription?" + +DOCTOR--"No. You will find that in the bill."--_Judge_. + + +_See also_ Debts; Collecting of accounts. + + + + +BLUFFING + + +VISITOR (at private hospital)--"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?" + +MATRON--"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a +relative?" + +VISITOR (boldly)--"Oh, yes! I'm his sister." + +MATRON--"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his +mother."--_Punch_. + + +Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just when to +bluff. + + +Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the seventh +time the driver climbed down from his seat and opened and slammed the +rear door. + +"What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose curiosity had got +the better of him. + +"Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer," cautioned the driver. +"Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks some one has got down, +and it starrts 'er up quicker loike." + + +Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a United +States senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle more than three +hundred and fifty pounds. + +On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, he barely +caught the midnight train, and discovered that the only berth left was +an upper. Having learned from experience that the process of coiling +up his three hundred and fifty pounds and his six feet three inches in +an upper berth was tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularly +enraged when he noticed that the lower directly under his berth was +occupied by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than a +hundred and twenty. + +Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously, +growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter: + +"So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I did that it +was on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing broke +down and mashed the man under me. Throw that grip up there, and I hope +to Heaven the berth will hold me." + +Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar. + +When he returned, the little man was in the upper. + + + _As it is_ + + Weep and you are called a baby, + Laugh and you are called a fool, + Yield and you're called a coward, + Stand and you're called a mule, + Smile and they'll call you silly, + Frown and they'll call you gruff, + Put on a front like a millionaire, + And somebody calls you a bluff. + + +A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginning +of his professional life: "I had just installed myself in my office," +he said, "had put in a phone and had preened myself for my first +client who might come along when, through the glass of my door I saw +a shadow. Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then, +grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into an +imaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. S.,' I +was saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that +corporation matter for you. Mr. J. had me on the phone this morning +and wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as I +was too busy with other cases. But I'll manage to sandwich your case +in between the others somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby.' Being +sure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung up +the receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir,' the man said, +'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect your +instrument.'" + + + + +BOARD OF HEALTH + + +Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came across +the wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure where +immigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases are +isolated. + +"Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander. + +"Oh," was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things like that, +you know." + +"Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of health, but +bejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen it!" + + + + +BOARDING HOUSES + + +The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A boarder who had +been there for some time, because he could not get away, was standing +in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an old +dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully. + +The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earth +are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!" + + +In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozy +and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star" +boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured. "Will you be my +wife?" + +"Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four years. +You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my bill +promptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good a +boarder to be put on the free list!" + + + + +BOASTING + + +The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard from the +other engine drivers at his boarding-house. One evening he began: + +"This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at our place, +and it's astonishing how it works." + +"And how does it work?" asked one. + +"Well," was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a fulcrumed +lever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a circular +movement. The principal part of the machine is a huge disk that +revolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied through the axis of the +disk, and work is done on the periphery, and the hardest steel by mere +impact may be reduced to any shape." + +"What is this wonderful machine?" was asked. + +"A grindstone," was the reply. + + +Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent. + +"You know I never boast," the opponent began. + +"Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added quietly, +"No wonder you brag about it." + + +They are mighty proud of their one sky-scraper up in Seattle. + +It is a long, skinny building that stands on one leg like a stork +and blinks down disdainfully from its thousand windows on ordinary +fifteen-story shacks. + +A San Francisco man recently in that city was incautious enough to +express surprise. + +"What are those posts sticking out all the way up?" he asked a +Seattleite. + +"Those are mile-posts," said the Seattle man. + + +A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman when a group +of men from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and began to praise +their city to the Vermonter, telling him of its wide streets and +beautiful avenues. Finally the Vermonter became tired and said +the only thing that would improve their city would be to make it a +seaport. + +The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how they could +make it a seaport, being so far from the ocean. + +The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task. + +"The only thing that you will have to do," said he, "is to lay a +two-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if you +fellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaport +inside half an hour." + + + + +BOLSHEVISM + + +"The reason you disapprove of Bolshevism is that you don't understand +it." + +"Probably. Every time I get with Bolshevists and think I am beginning +to understand, they start a riot and take my mind off the subject." + + +There's just one thing the Bolshevik in America can do well--he can +dampen the fire under the Melting Pot! + + +Bolshevism--A blow-out on the tire of world-politics. + + + + +BOOKS AND READING + + +A student assistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the public +library, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged woman who said +that she had finished reading the last of Laura Jean Libby's writings, +and that she should like something just as good. + +The young assistant, unable for the moment to think of Laura Jean +Libby's equal, hastily scanned the shelf on which she was working and, +choosing a book, offered it to the applicant, saying, "Perhaps you +would like this, 'A Kentucky Cardinal.'" + +"No," was the reply, "I don't care for theological works." + +"But," explained the kindly assistant, with needless enthusiasm, "this +cardinal was a bird!" + +"That would not recommend him to me," said the woman, as she moved +away in search of a librarian who should be a better judge of +character as well as of Laura Jean Libby's peers. + + +Books are the legacies that genius leaves to mankind, to be delivered +down from generation to generation, as presents to the posterity of +those that are yet unborn.--_Addison_. + + +"Are you interested in a loose-leaf encyclopedia?" + +"Nope, got one." + +"Indeed! Whose?" + +"The Britannica." + +"Didn't know they published a loose-leaf edition." + +"Huh! You ought to see mine after the children had used the volumes as +building blocks a few years." + + +A dressy lady asked one of the assistants for an up-to-date story +such as "Women men love" or the "Adventures of Anne." The assistant +selected a story which she thought this type of reader would +appreciate. After a few minutes the dressy lady again appeared with +the book open, and pointing to a quotation on the title page said +"I would like this book or any other by Proverbs." The astonished +assistant read the quotation which was, "who can find a virtuous +woman, her price is far above rubies." _Proverbs_ 31:10. + + +"How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. "Just as far +as the book is dirty, ma'am." + + +Our youngest borrower is a little boy of three who reads surprisingly +well for one so young and selects his own books from the children's +room. The other day, however, his mother complained that lately he has +become "lazy" and refuses to read. As we stood talking the little chap +ran joyfully toward her waving a picture book that had been made at +the branch and said, "No words Mother, no words." + + + If this is borrowed by a friend + Right welcome shall he be; + To read, to study, not to lend + But to return to me. + Not that imparted knowledge doth + Diminish learning's store, + But books, I find, if often lent, + Return to me no more. + + + "Books are keys to wisdom's treasures; + Books are gates to lands of pleasure; + Books are paths that upward lead; + Books are friends, come, let us read." + + +When I consider what some books have done for the world, and what they +are doing, how they keep up our hope, awaken new courage and faith, +soothe pain, give an ideal life to those whose hours are cold and +hard, bind together distant ages and foreign lands, create new worlds +of beauty, bring down Truth from heaven; I give eternal blessings for +this gift and thank God for books. + + +Mr. Dooley says "Books is f'r thim that can't inj'ye thimsilves in +anny other way. If ye're in good health, an ar-re atin' three squares +a day, an' not ayether sad or very much in love with ye'er lot, but +just lookin' on an' not carin' a rush, ye don't need books," he says. + +"But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, ye +need books." + + +1921--"Did you see that movie called 'Oliver Twist'?" FROSH--"Yes, and +say, wouldn't that make a peach of a book?" + + +Young Isaac stood in line at the library to draw out a book. When his +turn came he asked, respectfully, "Please give me Miss Alcott's Jew +book." + +The young lady looked puzzled. "A book by Miss Louisa M. Alcott?" she +queried. + +"Yes," reiterated Isaac, "her Jew book." + +"Can you remember the title?" + +"No; but it's her Jew book," he insisted. + +"Well, I'll read over some of the titles of her books to you, and +perhaps you can tell me the one you want when you hear it read." +Patiently she began, "_Little Women, Little Men, Under the Lilacs, +Rose in Bloom_--" + +"That's it, that's it!" cried Isaac--"_Rosenbloom_." + + +A MAID (handing up two books to a library assistant)--"Will you +change these two books, please, for Mrs. Crawley-Smith?" + +ASSISTANT--"Are there any others you wish for?" + +MAID--"No. Mrs. Crawley-Smith doesn't mind what they are so long as +they have big print and a happy ending." + + +_Hard to Find_ + +LIBRARIAN--"What kind of book do you want--fictional, historical, +philosophical--?" + +PATRON--"Oh, any kind that H.G. Wells hasn't written." + +LIBRARIAN--"We have none!" + + + + +BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING + + +William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern American +letters: + +"The average popular novel shows on the novelist's part an ignorance +of his trade which reminds me of a New England clerk. + +"In a New England village I entered the main street department-store +one afternoon and said to the clerk at the book-counter: + +"'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb.' + +"'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb,' said the clerk, with +a naive, brisk smile." + + +"You never can tell," said a traveling salesman. "Now you'd think +that a little New England village, chock full of church influence and +higher education, would be just the place to sell a book like 'David +Harum,' wouldn't you? Well, I know a man who took a stock up there and +couldn't unload one of 'em. He'd have been stuck for fair if he hadn't +had a brilliant idea and got the town printer to doctor up the title +for him. As it was, he managed to unload the whole lot and get out of +town before the first purchaser discovered that 'David's Harum' wasn't +quite what he had led himself to suppose." + + +Remember what Roger Mifflin says: "When you sell a man a book, you +don't sell him just three ounces of paper and ink and glue--you sell +him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour, and ships at sea +by night--there's all heaven and earth in a book." + + +PENFIELD--"What do you know about Bestseller's new book?" + +CRABSHAW--"Nothing at all. I've merely read all the reviews of +it."--_Life_. + + +MANAGER--"Can't you find some way to make yourself busy around here?" + +BOOKISH NEW SALESMAN--"Milton, in his 'Sonnet on Blindness,' says: +'They also serve who only stand and wait.'" + +MANAGER--"Yes, but you must keep in mind that Milton's most famous +book was about a fellow that lost his job and went to hades." + + +"What do you think of my library?" + +"I was just looking it over and I notice that you were visited by the +same book agents who landed me." + + + "There's a fellow outside with a volume of poems + (The title, I think is 'The Beautiful Gnomes'), + He says it's the best of poetical tomes." + "I'll see him next Christmas," the publisher said. + + "There's a gentleman waiting to tell you about + A novel of his, which, without any doubt + (So he says), will make critics with happiness shout." + "Oh, tell him I'm ill or rheumatic--or dead." + + "There's also a lady who's just come away + From Russia; she says that the Reds are at bay, + And she's willing to write it at so much a day." + "I've just left for Portugal, China and Mars." + + "And then there's a bookseller--looks like a gink-- + From somewhere out West; Indiana, I think. + I'll tell him you're out buying authors a drink." + "A bookseller? In with him! Boy, the cigars!" + + --_Edward Anthony_. + + +CANVASSER--"May I have a few minutes of your time?" + +PROSPECT--"Yes, if you will be brief. What can I do for you; I'm a man +of few words." + +CANVASSER--"Just the man I'm looking for, my specialty is +dictionaries." + + + + +BOOMERANGS + + +_See_ Repartee; Retaliation. + + + + +BOOSTING + + + Boost your city, boost your friend, + Boost the lodge that you attend. + Boost the street on which you're dwelling, + Boost the goods that you are selling. + Boost the people 'round about you, + They can't get along without you, + But success will quicker find them, + If they know that you're behind them. + Boost for every forward movement, + Boost for every new improvement, + Boost the man for whom you labor, + Boost the stranger and the neighbor. + Cease to be a chronic knocker, + Cease to be a progress blocker. + If you'd make your city better + Boost it to the final letter. + + + Boost, and the world boosts with you, + Knock, and you're on the shelf, + For the world gets sick of the one who'll kick + And wishes he'd kick himself. + Boost, for your own achievements, + Boost for the things sublime, + For the one who is found on the topmost round, + Is the Booster every time. + + +It takes no more time to boost a man than it does to knock him--and +think how much pleasanter for everybody. + + + + +BORROWERS + + +Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, from +whom he had frequently borrowed money. + +"Er--aw--what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" he +asked nervously. + +"Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it keeps Lent +very well." + + +"There's a friend in the outer office waiting for you, sir." + +"Here, James, take this $10 and keep it till I come back." + + +ED--"Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?" + +NED--"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will." + + +Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begun +to avoid him. + +One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latter +had a chance to escape. + +"I say, old man," began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I want some +money badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm going +to get it from." + +"Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I was afraid +that you might have an idea you could borrow it from me." + + +One of the shrewd lairds of Lanarkshire had evidently experienced the +difficulties of collecting money lent to friends. + +"Laird," a neighbor accosted him one morning, "I need twenty poonds. +If ye'll be guid enough to tak ma note, ye'll hae yere money back agin +in three months frae the day." + +"Nae, Donald," replied the laird, "I canna do it." + +"But, laird, ye hae often done the like fer yere friends." + +"Nae, mon, I canna obleege ye." + +"But, laird--" + +"Will ye listen to me, Donald? As soon as I took yere note ye'd draw +the twenty poonds, would ye no?" + +Donald could not deny that he would. + +"I ken ye weel, Donald," the laird continued, "and I ken that in +three months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. Then, ye ken, we'd +quarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, I'd rather do it noo, when I +hae ma twenty poonds in ma pocket." + + +ASKER--"Could you lend me a V?" + +TELLIT--"No, I couldn't." + +ASKER--"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?" + +TELLIT--"No. I have not a friend to spare." + + +"Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year ago?" + +"Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only took $15." + + +An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a rope to a +neighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the rope just then. + +"Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor. + +"I think I shall," replied the owner, "as I am going to tie up some +sand with it." + +"Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not see how you +can do that!" + +"Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not want to +lend it," was the reply. + + +MISS PRITTIKID--"But, father, he is a man you can trust." + +HER PA--"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can borrow from." + + + + +BOSTON + + +MR. PENN--"They say the streets in Boston are frightfully crooked." + +MR. HUBB--"They are. Why, do you know, when I first went there I could +hardly find my way around." + +"That must be embarrassing." + +"It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old cat +we had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away." + +"And you lost the cat all right?" + +"Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn't +followed the cat!" + + +Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his summer +trip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. Stopping off at +Salt Lake City, he strolled about the city and made the acquaintance +of a little Mormon girl. + +"I'm from Boston," he said to her. "I suppose you do not know where +Boston is?" + +"Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-school +has a missionary there." + + +The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was evening. A man +approached. + +"Sir," said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions." + +"What?" gasped the astonished driver. + +"Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated oblivion." + +"I don't quite--" + +"The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced." + +"My dear fellow, I--" + +"The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have been +discontinued." + +Just then a little newsboy came over and said: + +"Say, mister, yer lamp's out!" + + +Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from +New England who said to his friend, "You know those little white round +beans?" + +"Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?" + +"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightened +citizens take those little white round beans, boil them with molasses +and I know not what other ingredients, bake them, and then--what do +you suppose they do with the beans?" + +"They--" + +"They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively; +"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!" + + +The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the Christmas +season drew nigh she became homesick. + +"Even the owls are different here," she sighed. + +"And how is that?" he asked. + +"Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who,' and in Boston they say +'To-hoot-to-whom.'" + + +"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you." + +"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down.' He's a Boston terrier." + + +"Well, the Red Sox won the world's series." + +"Yes," said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the Red--er--the +Red Hose." + + + + +BOY SCOUTS + + +_A Boy Scout's Will_ + +I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, having attained +the age of maturity and realizing that my Boy Scout days are numbered, +do hereby give, devise and bequeath my scout assets, tangible and +intangible, as follows, to wit: + +My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of my +mother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old enough to +use them; + +My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington Jackson, 3d, +son of my father's handy man, with the admonition that he organize, if +possible, a troop of scouts among the colored boys of the village; + +My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my small +brother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell time; + +My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, to be +held in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath; + +To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy Scout +organization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, self-respect, +kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that it makes men of its +members, and that no boy can possibly go wrong by joining it. + + + + +BOYS + + +"I see they are making shingles out of cement now." + +"Then I recall my wish to be a boy again." + + +One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in the +Washington streets when a woman recognized him and said she didn't +think his father would like his playing with so many "common boys." + +"My father says there are no common boys," replied the young +Roosevelt. + +"He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good boys and +bad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there are." + + +Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the +green grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to take a handful of +nuts, but the child shook his head. + +"What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green grocer. + +"Yes," replied Johnny. + +"Then go ahead and take some." + +Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous handful in +Johnny's cap. + +After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take the +nuts when he told you to?" + +Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine." + + + Golly! Let him whistle, mother! + He's just boy--that's all. + Let him be one while he can: you'll find it pays. + Jolly little baby brother! + When the shadows fall + You'll be wishin' he was back in boyhood days! + If you'd been in France and seen + All the things that I have seen-- + Baby faces that will never + Baby faces be again-- + Say! You wouldn't check that whistle + For a million iron men! + + Lordy! mother, let him holler! + He's not hurting anything; + And he's carefree as a puppy--just that gay. + Dirty shirt, without a collar-- + Never was a king + Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his play. + Little kiddies over there-- + Solemn eyes and tangled hair-- + Ten years old? That's still a baby! + What he's doin's baby stuff! + And the dignity of manhood + Will be comin' quick enough! + + Let him yell and squeal and whistle, + Rollin' in the sand; + Let him have the freedom of the whole back lot. + Things that hurt like thorn o' thistle + Workin' in your hand + You'll be wishin' some time that those things were not! + When I think of babies--old + From the things that can't be told-- + And then look at him a-dancin', + Singin', shoutin', in his joy: + Don't put out a hand to stop him! + Mother--let him be a boy! + + +William's uncle was a very tall, fine-looking man, while his father +was very small. William admired his uncle, and wished to grow up like +him. One day he said to his mother: + +"Mama, how did uncle grow so big and tall?" + +His mother said: "Well, when uncle was a small boy he was always a +very good boy, and tried to do what was right at all times; so God let +him grow up big and tall." + +William thought this over seriously for a few minutes, then said: +"Mama, what kind of a boy was papa?" + + +_See also_ Office boys. + + + + +BRIDES + + +And men relate that Mrs. Newlywed went to the grocery store to do her +morning marketing. And she was determined that the grocer should not +take advantage of her youth and inexperience. + +"These eggs are dreadfully small," she criticized. + +"I know it," he answered. "But that's the kind the farmer brings me. +They are just fresh from the country this morning." + +"Yes," said the bride, "and that's the trouble with those farmers. +They are so anxious to get their eggs sold that they take them off the +nest too soon!" + + +"Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?" + +"Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened for you to +call me up at this--" + +"It's not so awful. But, John, dear, hasn't been feeling well and the +doctor gave him pills to take every four hours. I've been sitting up +to give them to him, and now it's about time for the medicine, and +John has fallen asleep. Should I wake him?" + +"I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?" + +"Insomnia." + + +WIFE--"Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home today." + +GEORGE--"But you bought one last week." + +WIFE--"Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that." + + +"What kind of coal do you wish, mum?" + +"Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things. Are there various +kinds?" + +"Oh, yes. We have egg coal, chestnut--" + +"I think I'll take egg coal. We have eggs oftener than we have +chestnuts." + + + + +BROOKLYN + + +"Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?" + +"There ain't any such thing. No one has ever been able to make one." + + + + +BROTHERHOOD + + +The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the brother. + + +To live is not to live for one's self alone; let us help one +another.--_Menander_. + + +We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of our +love.--_Shakespeare_. + + + + +BURBANK + + +One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was accosted +by an officious acquaintance who said: + +"Well, what are you working on now?" + +"Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed," said Mr. Burbank. + +"And what under heaven do you expect from that?" + +Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk. + +"Custard pie," he said. + + + + +BUSINESS + + +There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. +One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't any +business. + + +"I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?" + +"I want to make you rich." + +"Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over later. Just +now I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make +$3.50 in real money." + + +A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise their +hands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The teacher asked him +if he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heard +his father tell his mother that 'Business had all gone to hell' and +Ikey wanted to go where the business had gone. + + +The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had even +penetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. The latter +came forward and offered L50 for the fund. + +The worthy cleric was overjoyed. + +"I don't know your name, sir," he cried; "but I thank you from the +bottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business prosper, sir!" + +Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance at +their vicar. + +"What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman. + +"Well--er--that donor is an undertaker!" + + +"There is one respect in which a live business man isn't like a tree." + +"What is that?" + +"If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out." + + +During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman it +was suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might be +willing to tell just what a good business man is. + +"That's easy," he explained. "A good business man is one who can buy +goods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew--at a profit!" + + +EDITH--"Dick, dear, your office is in State street, isn't it?" + +DICKEY--"Yes; why?" + +EDITH--"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny mistake about +you yesterday. He said he'd been looking you up in Bradstreet." + + +FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade Record")--"How's +business?" + +SECOND MERCHANT--"Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5,000 +order yesterday." + +"Go away. I don't believe that." + +"Honest he did--I'll show you the cancellation." + + + + +BUSINESS ENTERPRISE + + +The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, is +matched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story, +equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two rival +sausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a certain +street, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop the legend: + +"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the country." + +The next day, over the way, appeared the sign: + +"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the whole country." + +Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently regarded as a +final statement, namely: + +"We sell sausages to the King." + +Next day there appeared over the door of the first sausage-maker the +simple expression of loyalty: + +"God save the King." + + +"Biddy," remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed the pigs." + +"Faith and I will not," replied the bride. + +"Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy," retorted the husband. +"Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, and if you can +not feed your own property, then it's ashamed of you I am." + +This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went. + +Presently she returned. + +"Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, sternly. + +"Faith, and I have not," she answered. "I have done a great deal +better. As they were my property I have sold them, and shall not be +bothered with them again." + + +A business man advertised for an office boy. The next morning there +were some fifty boys in line. He was about to begin examining the +applicants when his stenographer handed him a card on which was +scribbled: + +"Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in line, but I'm +telling you I'm there with the goods." + + +In one of the back streets in Philadelphia is a little jewelry store +which is making progress--witness this incident: + +"What's the price of nickel alarm clocks?" + +"Dwenty-fife cends." + +"What! Why, how's that? Last week you told my son they were a dollar." + +"Yaw, dat is so. Listen: You are a good frien', so I tol' you. Ven I +hat some I sells him for von tollar. Now I ain'd got none I sells him +for dwendy-fife cents. Dot makes me a rebutation for cheabness, und I +don't lose noddings!" + + +_Commercialomania_ + +PROFITEER--"One million is the price of a gram of radium!" + +HIS PARTNER--"And we never thought of trying to sell any!" + + +An enterprising young florist, in order to increase his trade, +displayed this sign in his window: + +"We give a packet of flower seeds with every plant." + +His competitor across the street promptly sought to meet the +competition by placing in his window the following announcement: + +"We give the earth with every plant." + + +A very small but live boy applied to a great merchant for a job. + +The great man sized him up with twinkling eyes, for the one situation +open needed a bigger parcel of human experience, and asked what +position he wanted. + +"A chance to grow up in the business, Mister." + +"Well, we are more or less being depopulated by the drafts. What is +your motto, my son?" + +"The same as yours," was the ready answer. + +"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled merchant. + +"Why, on the door there--'Push.'" + +He got the job of keeper of that very door. + + +The proprietors of two rival livery-stables, situated alongside each +other in a busy street, have been having a lively advertising duel +lately. + +The other week one of them stuck up on his office window a long strip +of paper, bearing the words: + +"Our horses need no whip to make them go." + +This bit of sarcasm naturally caused some amusement at the expense of +the rival proprietor, but in less than an hour he neatly turned the +tables by pasting the following retort on his own window: + +"True. The wind blows them along!" + + +A group of farmers were complaining of the potato bugs' ravages. + +"The pests ate my whole potato crop in two weeks," said one farmer. + +"They ate my crop in two days," said a second farmer, "and then they +roosted on the trees to see if I'd plant more." + +A drummer for a seed house cleared his throat. + +"Gents," he said, "all that's very remarkable. Let me tell you, +though, what I saw in our own store. I saw a couple of potato bugs +examining the books about a week before planting time to see who had +bought seed." + + +UNFORTUNATE PEDESTRIAN (who has been knocked down and dazed)--"Where +am I? Where am I?" + +ENTERPRISING HAWKER--"'Ere y'are, sir--map of London, one +penny."--_Punch_. + + + _Why He Was Not Promoted_ + + He watched the clock. + He was always grumbling. + He was never at the office on time. + He asked too many questions. + His stock excuse was "it isn't necessary." + He wasn't ready for the next step. + He did not put his heart in his work. + He learned nothing from his blunders. + He chose his friends among his inferiors. + He ruined his ability by half-doing things. + He never acted on his own judgment. + He did not think it worth while to learn how. + He imitated the habits of other men who could stand more than he + could. + He did not learn that the best part of his salary was not in his + pay envelope. + He didn't have to. + He was the President of the Company. + + --G.M. + + + +BUSINESS ETHICS + + +Johnny was at the grocery store. + +"I hear you have a little sister at your house," said the grocer. + +"Yes, sir," said Johnny. + +"Do you like that?" was queried. + +"I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him, +and baseball." + +"Well," said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your little +sister for a boy?" + +Johnny reflected for a minute; then he said sorrowfully: + +"We can't now; it's too late. We've used her four weeks." + + +A Priest in Ireland went to Rome, and a number of his parishioners +asked him to buy things for them. Some gave him the cash; others did +not. When he returned, he brought the articles for those who paid for +them in advance. When the others complained, he said, with a wink: + +"While I was at sea I got out all the commissions and spread them on +the deck. On the papers of those who had given me the coin I put the +money. The others had nothing to weight them down. A squall of wind +came up. It blew all the unweighted papers into the sea! So the ones +who gave me the money got what they asked me to get. The others must +ask Father Neptune for theirs." + + +A New York lawyer had in his employ an office-boy who was addicted to +the bad habit of telling in other offices what happened in that of +his employer. The lawyer found it necessary to discharge him, but, +thinking to restrain him from a similar fault in the future, he +counseled the boy, on his departure, in this wise: + +"Tommy, you must never hear anything that is said in the office. Do +what you are told, but turn a deaf ear to conversation that does not +include you." + +This struck the boss as such a happy inspiration that, to the end that +his stenographer might learn the same lesson, he turned to her and +said: + +"Miss Jones, did you hear what I said to Tommy?" + +"No, sir," she returned, promptly. + + +The firm of Hansen & Fransen was started in wartime and did very well +for a couple of years. But last year things were on the down grade, +and the other day, when the two partners had finished making up their +none-too-good record for the year, Hansen said: "This would make +anyone thoughtful. Now that the good times are over, how about a +little honest business?" + +"No, thanks," said Fransen. "I never indulge in experiments." + + +"There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember when it was +a common thing for a young man to start out as a clerk and in a few +years own the business." + +"Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since." + + +The junior partner was harried. + +"I shall have to get another typist," he lamented. "Miss Take is +continually interrupting my dictation to ask how to spell a word." + +"Dear, dear!" said the senior partner. "That seems a great waste of +time." + +"It's not that I mind," responded the other. "But it's so bad for +discipline to keep on saying, 'I don't know'!" + + +_How Business Men Keep Their Spirits Up_ + +"Cancel my order at once," came the telegram to the factory. The owner +perpetrated the only new joke in the millennium. His telegram in reply +read: "Your order cannot be cancelled at once. You must take your +turn." + + +CUSTOMER--"Gee, this is a rotten cigar!" + +SHOPKEEPER--"Well, don't complain. You've only got one of them--I've +got ten thousand of the darn things."--_Life_. + + +EMPLOYEE--"I don't like your methods of doing business, Mr. Grafton. I +resign." + +"PRACTICAL" BUSINESS MAN (sneeringly)--"You're a holier-than-thou guy, +eh?" + +EMPLOYEE--"No; merely a square peg in a crooked hole."--_Puck_. + + +A New York lawyer tells of a conversation that occurred in his +presence between a bank president and his son who was about to leave +for the West, there to engage in business on his own account. + +"Son," said the father, "on this, the threshold of your business life, +I desire to impress one thought upon your mind: Honesty, ever and +always, is the policy that is best." + +"Yes, father," said the young man. + +"And, by the way," added the gray-beard, "I would advise you to read +up a little on corporation law. It will amaze you to discover how many +things you can do in a business way and still be honest." + + +"Dod-burn the luck!" snarled old Gideon Cronk, glaring at the clock. +"That confounded bank is closed! That's a thunderin' pretty howdy-do!" + +"Well, you've set round the stove here foolin' with the checkerboard +all the afternoon and let the bank close on you," returned the +landlord of the tavern, "What you kickin' about anyhow?" + +"I demand that a public institution shall accommodate its patrons; +that's what!" + +"Can't you cash your check in the mornin'?" + +"I ain't got no check. But if I had one I'd want to cash it when +I wanted to, wouldn't I? Well, it's the principle of the thing I'm +talkin' about!" + + + + + BUSINESS WOMEN + + Kate's running a tobacco-shop, + Jane draws a wage from carpentry, + And Amaryllis' patent mop + Defies domestic anarchy; + Marie's so capable that she + Keeps foundry laborers from strife; + She heads a motor company-- + But where am I to find a wife? + + Eradne's made a wondrous top + That's famed from Maine to Italy; + While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop + Through every modern nursery; + May has a mock canteen, where tea + Is served to sound of drum and fife, + Grace reaps from etymology-- + But where am I to find a wife? + + Maud's raising a world-famous crop + Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea; + At Daisy's restaurant each chop + Would rouse a Muse from apathy; + Babette's a broker, who must be + Where rumors anent stocks are rife; + They're all most useful, I agree-- + But where am I to find a wife? + + I do not know on land or sea, + A girl who'd stay at home with me-- + In any varied walks of life. + So how am I to find a wife! + _Charlotte Becker_. + + + +CAMPAIGNS + + +_See_ Public Speakers. + + + + +CANDIDATES + + +TED--"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to that rich girl?" + +NED--"You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord running +for office on a dry ticket." + + +THE HEELER--"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' candidate f'r +Mayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened with prayer." + +THE BOSS--"Good! That means he knows he's licked!" + + +"What do you think of the candidates?" + +"Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one of +them can get in." + + +_See also_ Politicians. + + + + +CANDOR + + +"How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?" + +"Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd git well, +or somethin'."--_Puck_. + + +Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love of +truth.--_J. Abercrombie_. + + +Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride of man, the +sweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue of +sociability.--_Bentsel-Sternau_. + + + 'Tis great--'tis manly to disdain disguise, + It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength.--_Young_. + + +STATISTICIAN (on the platform)--"These are not my figures, ladies and +gentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talking +about." + + + + +CAPITAL AND LABOR + + +WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?" + +PAW--"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back +represents labor, my son." + + +If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and labor +starves.--_Daniel Webster_. + + + + +CARD INDEX + +MINING-STOCK PROMOTER--"Where can I hide? The police are coming!" + +CHIEF CLERK--"Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to find +anything in there."--_Judge_. + + + + +CARELESSNESS + + +Care may kill people, but don't care kills more. + + +The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened his +seventieth letter with a groan. + +"I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written, +confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accept +him?" + +The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw. + +"If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much +too careless to be trusted with a fourth." + + + + +CATALOGING + + +One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes in +Sonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof. Henry +Preserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History appears thus: + +_Smith, Prf. Hy._ "Preserved O.T. History." + + + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT + + +It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of a +philanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, having +finished the morning's talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to make +a practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngster +whose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soap +and water, she asked: + +"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does mother +do?" + +"We move." + + +LITTLE BOY--"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please." + +CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them up +separately?" + +LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, so she wants +the cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's what muvver broke 'er +teapot on." + + +An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when large +pools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and the +town. On the return journey he met an old friend. + +"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting. + +"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer. + +"How is the missus?" continued the friend. + +"Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind there"--jerking his thumb +toward the back of the wagon. + +"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend. + +The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coolly +replied: + +"Humph! That accounts for the splash." + + + + +CAUTION + + +A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowded +car, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman could +stand it no longer. + +"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded. + +The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignified +tone, came the answer. + +"Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to strangers." + + + + +CHARACTER + + +Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from your +conversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate with; let me +observe it by your manners.--_Emerson_. + + +HOWELL--"What sort of a fellow is he?" + +POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before and +then hand them both to you when you are not looking."--_Judge_. + + +To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those who know +thee, know all words are faint!--_Hannah More_. + + + _The Stuff That Counts_ + + The test of a man is the fight he makes, + The grit that he daily shows: + The way he stands on his feet and takes + Fate's numerous bumps and blows, + A coward can smile when there's naught to fear, + When nothing his progress bars, + But it takes a man to stand and cheer + While some other fellow stars. + + It isn't the victory, after all, + But the fight that a brother makes; + The man who, driven against the wall, + Still stands up erect and takes + The blows of fate with his head held high, + Bleeding and bruised, and pale. + Is the man who'll win in the by and by, + For he isn't afraid to fail. + + It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get + And the shocks that your courage stands. + The hours of sorrow and vain regret, + That prize that escapes your hands + That test your mettle and prove your worth; + It isn't the blows you deal, + But the blows you take on the good old earth + That shows if your stuff is real. + + --_Robert W. Service_. + + +BORLEIGH--"Some men, you know, are born great, some achieve +greatness--" + +Miss KEEN--"Exactly! And some just grate upon you." + + + + +CHARITY + + +A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day, +labeled "For the Blind." A few weeks afterward the box disappeared. + +"Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was asked. + +"Oh, I got enough money," he replied. "And," pointing upward to the +new canvas blind that sheltered his shop-window, "there's the blind. +Not bad, is it?" + + +At a Chamber of Commerce dinner a speaker dwelt at great length upon +the suffering people of China. He suggested that all present should +give something for them. A small dry-goods merchant arose and said: + +"You have made for me a feeling already that something should be +given. I move that we give three cheers for China." + + +"I'm sorry that my engagements prevent my attending your charity +concert, but I shall be with you in spirit." + +"Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I have tickets +here for half a dollar, a dollar and two dollars." + + +A physician whose sole fee is the consciousness of doing good. + + + + +CHEERFULNESS + + +HE--"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings at +his work." + +SHE--"How you must love a mosquito!" + + + + +CHICKEN STEALING + + +An old negro was charged with chicken-stealing, and the judge said: + +"Where's your lawyer, uncle?" + +"Ain't got none, jedge." + +"But you ought to have one," returned the Court. "I'll assign one to +defend you." + +"No, sah, no, sah, please don't do dat," begged the defendant. + +"Why not?" persisted the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don't +you want a lawyer?" + +"Well, Ah'll tell yo', jedge," said the old man confidentially. "Ah +wants ter enj'y dem chickens mahself." + + +"Is your husband a good provider, Dinah?" + +"Yessum, he's a good providah all right, but I'se allus skeered dat +niggah's gwine er git caught at it." + + +"Is dem you-all's chickens?" + +"Cohse dey's my-all's chickens. Who's chickens did you 'spose dey +was?" + +"I wasn' s'posen' nuffin about 'em. But I will say dat it's mighty +lucky dat a chicken won' come a runnin' an' a waggin' its tail when +its regular owner whistles, same as a dog." + + +Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed. + +"Ah'm gwine hab yo' arrested foh stealin' mah chickens, yo' Sambo +Washin'ton-dat's jess what ah'm gwine to do," said Rastus. + +"Go ahead, nigguh," retorted Sambo. "Go ahead and hab me arrested. +Ah'll mek yo' prove whar yo' got dem chickens yo'seff!" + + +JUDGE-"I'm going to fine you five dollars for the chickens you stole +the last two weeks." + +RASTUS-"How'll it be if Ah pays seben-fifty, Jedge? Dat'll pay fob up +to an' includin' next Saturday night."--_Life_. + + +A negro soldier was brought up before his superior officer, who said: +"Sam, you are charged with stealing a chicken from this Frenchwoman's +farm. Now, how about it? Have you any witnesses to stand for you?" + +"Witnesses?" echoed Sam in surprise. "No, suh, I ain't hab no +witnesses. When I goes chicken stealing I never hab no witnesses +aroun'." + + +An old colored uncle was found by the preacher prowling in his +barnyard late one night. + +"Uncle Calhoun," said the preacher sternly, "it can't be good for your +rheumatism to be prowling round here in the rain and cold." + +"Doctor's orders, sah," the old man answered. + +"Doctor's orders?" asked the preacher. "Did he tell you to go prowling +round all night?" + +"No, sah, not exactly, sah," said Uncle Cal; "but he done ordered me +chicken broth." + + +In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted into +some useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, but just now he +is cook to the Blankshire officers' mess. Smith sent Murphy into the +village to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess. + +"Murphy," said Smith, the next day, "when you fetch me chickens again, +see that they are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterday +all got loose, and tho I scoured the village I only managed to secure +ten of them." + +"Sh!" said Murphy. "I only brought six." + + + + +CHILD LABOR + + +SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the children +employed in Southern factories?" + +NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention from +the children employed in ours."--Life. + + + + +CHILDREN + + +JOHNNY--"What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?" + +TOMMY--"It don't cry so very much--and, anyway, if all your teeth were +out, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them, +guess you'd feel like crying yourself." + + +A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother added +the finishing touches to her toilet. One of the ladies said with a +significant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y," spelling the last word. + +"No," said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t." + + +It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of coaxing +could get her there. At last her father offered to lie on the bed +till the "sandman" arrived. Off she went "pick-a-back," and the tired +mother leaned back in her chair with a sigh of content, ready for a +hard-earned rest. + +Ten minutes--twenty--half an hour, and she was wondering when her +husband would be down, when all at once she heard a soft, stealthy +pit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and then a little white-robed form, +with a tiny finger on her lip, stood in the doorway. + +"Hush, hush, muvver," she said. "I'se got farver to sleep." + + +_Taking a Chance_ + +Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty face and, +of course, had to be sent away to wash. + +One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, why do you +persist in coming to the table without washing? You know I always send +you away." + +"Well," said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot." + + +TOMMY (after a thumping)--"You're awful hard on me, ma." + +MOTHER--"That's because you've been very naughty and wicked." + +TOMMY--"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't die young +yourself." + + +"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired of +a small lad. + +"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," was +the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he has +to do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worth +having?" + + +Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred with a +happy smile on his face. + +"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked his mother. + +"I have been playing Postman," replied little Fred. + +"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when you had +no letters?" + +"Oh, but I had," replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk up in your +room and I found a packet of letters tied 'round with a ribbon, and I +posted one under every door in the street." + + +A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the first +time described the service as follows: + +"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty soon they +sat down and played hide-and-seek." + +"Did what?" asked her mother. + +"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered up their +faces and counted to themselves." + + + _Training the Other Woman's Child_ + + They all sat round in friendly chat + Discussing mostly this and that, + And a hat. + + Until a neighbor's wayward lad + Was seen to act in ways quite bad; + Oh, 'twas sad! + + One thought she knew what must be done + With every child beneath the sun-- + She had none. + + And ere her yarn had been quite spun + Another's theories were begun-- + She had one. + + The third was not so sure she knew, + But thus and so she thought she'd do-- + She had two. + + The next one added, "Let me see; + These things work out so differently." + She had three. + + The fifth drew on her wisdom store + And said, "I'd have to think it o'er." + She had four. + + And then one sighed, "I don't contrive + Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive." + She had five. + + "I know it leaves one in a fix, + This straightening of crooked sticks." + She had six. + + And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n, + But do your best and trust to heav'n!" + She had sev'n. + + --_Alice Crowell Hoffman_. + + +Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even more +than his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his mother +if he would not like to be a little city boy, and always be nice and +clean in white suits and shoes and stockings. Tom answered scornfully: +"They're not children; they're pets." + + +_Up-to-date_ + +KIND STRANGER--"How old is your baby brother, little girl?" + +LITTLE GIRL--"He's a this year's model." + + +The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a +brief. So intent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as +it was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into +his office. A little sob attracted his notice, and turning, he saw a +face that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had +been hurt. + +"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?" + +"Are you a lawyer?" + +"Yes. What do you want?" + +"I want"--and there was a resolute ring in his voice--"I want a +divorce from my papa and mamma." + + +"Well," mused six-year-old Harry, as he was being buttoned into a +clean white suit, "this has been an exciting week, hasn't it, mother? +Monday we went to the Zoo, Wednesday I lost a tooth, Thursday was +Lily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, yesterday I had my hair cut, +and now here I am rushing off to Sunday-school." + + +A little saying from a seven-year-old girl. + +NEIGHBOR--"How is your mother this morning?" + +LITTLE GIRL--"My mother is at the hospital." + +NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know your mother was ill." + +LITTLE GIRL--"No, it is my aunt who is ill." + +NEIGHBOR--"What is the matter with your aunt?" + +LITTLE GIRL--"She has a bad headache." + +NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know any one went to the hospital for a bad +headache!" + +LITTLE GIRL (looking up quickly with a very interested, bright look +on her face)--"That is not the real reason, I think; they are spelling +things on me." + + +A little boy of seven was being scolded in a room adjoining one in +which his grandma lay ill. He motioned toward grandma's room and +quietly said, "Sh--! it's too much for her; it'll wear her out." + +Later, grandma thanked him for his consideration, whereupon he +replied, "Don't mention it, gran; that was fifty-fifty--part for you +and part for me." + + +George was hampered by a mother whose idea of godliness was +cleanliness. Notwithstanding the frequent baths to which he was +condemned George thrived exceedingly. One day a neighbor remarked on +his rapid growth. + +"Yes," said George, "that's ma's fault--she waters me so much." + + +_See also_ Boys. + + + + +CHOICES + + +The Czar was recently complimenting a soldier, and asked him if he +would rather have 100 rubles or the Iron Cross. + +"Would your Majesty deign to tell me the value of the cross?" inquired +the private. + +"Oh, it is not worth much intrinsically, perhaps two rubles." + +"Then, your Majesty, I will take the cross and ninety-eight rubles." + +This is an interesting episode, and the most interesting thing about +it is that it also happened during the Franco-Prussian War, the +Crimean War, the Seven Years' War, and the Marlborough campaigns. + + +_Eyeball or Highball_ + +An old Scotsman was threatened with blindness if he did not give up +drinking. + +"Now, McTavish," said the doctor, "it's like this: You've either to +stop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must choose." + +"Ay, weel, doctor," said McTavish, "I'm an auld man noo, an' I was +thinkin' I ha'e seen about everything worth seein'." + + +OFFICER-"Hang it! you've brought the wrong boots. Can't you see one is +black and the other brown?" + +BATMAN-"Sure, but the other pair is just the same." + + +"Let me see! How does that old saying go: 'Of two evils always +choose--?" + +"Always choose the one you haven't indulged in before." + + + + + +CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS + + +Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself whose parents +are Christian Scientists. One day she said: + +"Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian Scientist +than anything else?" + +Mother asked "Why?" and Dorothy said: + +"Well, Julia has 'splained it to me. If you get cross with another +little girl, and you knock her down, if you are a Christian Scientist +you won't have to apologize to her, because it won't hurt her any." + + +_A Mental Error_ + +The tram-car was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, who +had achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all regulations by +standing. + +"Now, then," called out the girl conductor, with emphasis, "you can't +stand on top." + +"Well," said one literalist, smiling blandly as he peered down the +steps, "we are standing, whether we can or not." + +The girl answered nothing, but promptly pressed a button. The car +jumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a seat on the +floor. + +"There," said the girl apparently in complete good humor, quoting the +barrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but you can't." + + +A Christian Scientist while walking about the plant met a man doubled +up with pain. + +"My man," he said, "What is the matter?" + +"I was out to a banquet last night," moaned the man, "And oh, how I +ache!" + +"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy. "Your pain is +imagination. It is all in your mind." + +The man looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and then +replied in a most positive manner: + +"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information." + + + + +CHRISTMAS GIFTS + + +"Isn't this too absurd?" said the hostess, as she read a letter the +maid had handed to her. "I sent Marie Burns the loveliest of bags for +Christmas. It had been given to me, I knew, and I had so many I saved +it to give away. I suppose we all do those things." + +The guest nodded. + +"Well, here's her letter of thanks, and listen to what she says: + +"'Dear Grace: When I gave you that bag three years ago on Christmas I +was so fond of it I could hardly bear to part with it. So I thank +you most heartily for remembering me this Christmas with my own gift, +which I parted with so unselfishly. Cordially yours, Marie Burns.'" + + +BILL--"I hear that Jones always saves the Christmas presents people +give him and gives them back the following year." + +PHIL--"I hope he does that to me. I gave him a quart of brandy in +1918." + + +Instead of the usual just-before-Christmas letter to Santa Claus, +Robbie wrote a prayer letter to God. After enumerating the many and +varied presents he wanted very much, he concluded with: "Remember, +God, the Lord loveth a cheerful giver." + + + + +CHURCH + + +SCOTT--"What is your notion of an ideal church?" + +JACKSON--"One that meddles with neither politics nor religion." + + +He had been around from church to church trying to find a congenial +congregation, and finally he stopped in a little church just as the +congregation read with the minister: + +"We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we +have done those things which we ought not to have done." + +The man dropped into a pew with a sigh of relief. + +"Thank goodness," he said, "I've found my crowd at last." + + +HIX--"I understand your Church has sent the minister to Michigan for a +month." + +DIX--"Yes, that's right." + +HIX--"For a vacation, I suppose?" + +DIX--"Yes; the congregation decided that we were entitled to one." + + + + +CHURCH ATTENDANCE + + +"What's the idea of free pews?" + +"Well, it gives everyone a chance to stay away from church at a +minimum expense." + + +_Why They Went to Church_ + +Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting would be +held. + +Willie Jones went because his mother made him. + +His sister went because she had her hair up for the first time. + +Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy. + +The Scott boy went to flirt with Sadie Williams. + +James B. Jenkins went because he had done so for fourteen years. + +The sexton went because he had to pump the organ. + + +One of the girl ushers in a Flatbush theater had a problem offered her +the other evening. She was showing two women to their seats. + +"Is the show this evening fit for church women to see?" asked one of +the pillaresses of a Flatbush congregation. + +"I--I don't know," responded the girl. Then she brightened. "You see," +she said, "I don't have no time to go to church." + + +Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving +one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a +conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former +connection with a colored church in that place:-- + +"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you +not, Mr. Dickson?" said his customer. + +"No, sah, not at all." + +"What! are you not a member of the African Church?" + +"Not this year, sah." + +"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted +to ask?" + +"Well, I'll tell you sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor +on the palm of his hand, "it war just like dis. I jined the church in +good fait; I give ten dollars toward de stated gospill de fus' year, +and de church people call me 'Brudder Dickson'; the second year my +business not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat year the people +call me 'Mr. Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?" + +"No, the razor goes tolerably well." + +"Well, sah, the third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my +family; and I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat +dey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'--and I left 'em." + + + + +CHURCH DISCIPLINE + + +Two Methodist preachers, one white and the other colored, served rural +charges in Mississippi which were conterminous. The negro received a +considerably larger salary than his white brother, who asked him if it +was not his custom to expel his members who failed to pay. "No, boss," +he replied, "we would not like to put the gospel on a money basis. We +gets them to subscribe, and if they don't pay we turns them out for +lying." + + + + +CITIZENS + + +All the talk of hypenated citizenship has evidently had its effect +upon a San Francisco youngster, American born, who recently rebelled +fiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor. + +"But, Tomaso," said one of the family, "your father has a right to +whip you when you are bad." + +Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United States," he +declared. "Do you think that I am going to let any foreigner lick me?" + + + + +CITY AND COUNTRY + + +_See_ Country life. + + + + +CIVICS + + +Mrs. Profiteer was very proud of the stunts they were doing at the +smart private school to which she had sent her daughter. + +"My dear," she said to her friend, "she's learning civics if you +please." + +"What's civics?" asked the friend. + +"Civics? My dear, don't you know? Why, it's the science of interfering +in public affairs." + + + + +CIVILIZATION + + + France says it is art. + England says it is conquest. + America says it is energy. + Italy says it is song. + Russia says it is work. + Japan says it is imitation. + Satan says it is his private "movie." + + +Nations, like individuals, live and die; but civilization cannot +die.--_Mazzini_. + + +The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the size of +cities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the country turns +out.--_Emerson_. + + + + +CLASS DISTINCTIONS + + +Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between Europe +and America is that over there they like to keep you in your +place--stationary, you know, while here we like to see a man rise. + +"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks of +Muggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday night, said +to his wife: + +"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when Sergeant +Todd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane besides, it looks +to me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the station what Divine +Providence sunk him into.'" + + + + +CLEANLINESS + + +"Ma, do I have to wash my face?" + +"Certainly!" + +"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?" + + +General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin basin and +roller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the +small boy of the household watched in silence the visitor's toilet. +When on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., +had been duly used, he asked: "Say, mister, air you always that much +trouble to you'se'f?" + + +_See also_ Baths and bathing. + + + + +CLERGY + + +Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a well-known +actor, who is something of a freethinker along theological lines, sat +at the guest-table. When the hour for starting the feast arrived the +toastmaster, a very religious man, discovered that no minister of the +Gospel was present, tho several had been invited. In this emergency he +turned to the actor and asked him to say grace. + +The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep hush said +fervently: + +"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!" + + +_Horse-power Misrated_ + +The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain ranch of +one of his congregation. There had been some difference of opinion as +to his qualifications. At the gate he was met by a small boy of the +family, who was evidently cogitating a matter of deep perplexity. + +"Be you our preacher?" + +"I am." + +The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his brow puckered +with growing perplexity. + +"That's queer," he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors you was a +one-hoss preacher." + + +Ting-a-ling-a-ling! + +The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed it to his +ear. + +"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked. + +Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners. + +"No," he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector." + +Was there a dull thud? + +No. + +"Indeed," said the lady, quick as a flash, "and pray what are you +doing there?" + + +TEARFUL PARISHIONER (saying farewell to departing minister)--"I don't +know what we will do when you are gone, Dr. Blank." + +MINISTER--"Oh, the church will soon get a better man than I am." + +TEARFUL PARISHIONER--"That's what they all say, but they keep getting +worse and worse." + + +A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the people +did not understand. A deputation waited on him with the request that +in the future, whenever he used such terms, he would explain them. + +On the following Sunday he used the word "hyperbole," and added: + +"As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say that at this +moment the whole of my congregation are sound asleep, it would +be hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are asleep, that is not +hyperbole, but the truth." + +The next day the deputation again called to say that the minister +need not explain technical terms; they'd learn their meaning from a +dictionary. + + +A minister came to the Episcopal church, at Williamsport, Pa., to +speak. + +"Do you wish to wear a surplice?" asked the rector. + +"Surplice!" cried the visitor. "Surplice! I am a Methodist. What do I +know about surplices? All I know about is a deficit!" + + +The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but remained silent, +while the congregation awaited the sermon in puzzled expectancy. At +last he spoke: + +"There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a lassie," he +said. "When he's done ah'll begin." + + +A clergyman famous for his begging abilities was once catechizing a +Sunday-school. When comparing himself as pastor of the church to a +shepherd, and his congregation to the sheep, he put the following +question to the children: "What does the shepherd do for the sheep?" + +To the confusion of the minister a small boy in the front row piped +out: "Shears them!" + + +A small town boasts a female preacher. One day when working in her +study she heard a timid knock at her door. Answering the summons she +found a bashful young German on the step. + +"Good-afternoon," the preacheress remarked. "What do you wish?" + +"Do der minister lif in dis house?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Yess? Veil, I vant to kit merriet." + +"All right; I can marry you." + +The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German glanced at it. +Then without comment he jammed his hat on his head and hurried down +the walk. + +"Will you be back?" she called. + +"You gits no chance mit me," he answered. "I don't want you; I haf got +me a girl alreaty." + + +A clergyman was spending the afternoon at a house in the English +village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the garden +with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above his +head. "Don't be afraid, mother," he cried; "he's dead. We beat him and +bashed him and thumped him until"--catching sight of the clergyman, he +added, in a lowered voice--"until God called him home." + + +Two Irish women in the market place of Cork were talking of the new +curate. + +"Arrah, Biddy," said one, "did ye hear him last Sunday when he +preached on 'Hell'?" + +"Faith an' I did that same, and shure he might have been born and +reared there, so well did he know all about it." + + +An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had neighboring +churches and didn't get along very well. After some time, however, +they got together and decided to bury the hatchet. + +"For, after all," said he of the Episcopal faith, "we are both doing +the Lord's work." + +"That is true," said the priest. "Let us therefore do his work to the +best of our ability: you in your way," concluded the priest, and then +added with a twinkle, "and I in his!" + + +_See also_ Contribution box; Preaching. + + + + +CLOTHING + + +"I simply can't understand the combination of my wife's clothes." + +"What puzzles you?" + +"Well, when she wants to hide anything, she pokes it down her neck, +but when she wants to get it again it's always in her stocking." + + +_Why They Don't Wear Old Clothes_ + +Father--Because he never can tell when he might be detained at the +office on business. + +Brother Bill--Because he has got to look his best in case he meets (a) +a certain young lady, (b) her father, (c) her mother, (d) any other +near relative of (a). + +Sister May--Because everybody would know it if she put on one of last +year's dresses. + +Angela, aged five--Because she has outgrown everything she ever wore. + +Tommy, aged seven--Because he has outworn everything he hasn't +outgrown. + +The Richest Man in Town--Because he can't afford to look shabby. + +The Poorest Man in Town--Same reason. + +The Mayor--Because he is mayor. + +His Chief Rival--Because he hopes to become mayor. + +The President of the Ladies' Federation--Because the newspapers are +forever sending photographers after her. + +Mother--Because there's no fun playing the game alone. + + + Where are the clothes of yesteryear-- + And of the year before? + Bare is the cupboard--shelf and hook; + Barren, the garret's cobwebbed nook; + Empty, the darksome drawer! + Why should they strangely disappear-- + All the old clothes of yesteryear? + + Where are the clothes of yesteryear? + Easy would be the search. + Seek them where duty or pleasure calls; + Seek them in learning's classic halls-- + Office or club or church. + Rich and lowly, alike, appear + Wearing the clothes of yesteryear. + + Honor the clothes of yesteryear, + Deal with them tenderly; + Don them gladly and make them last, + Friends of an opulent era past; + Stout may their fabric be! + Drink long life to their new career-- + Here's to the clothes of yesteryear! + + --_Jennie Betts Hartswick_. + + +"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps you +have lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think." + + + I can not wear the old suit + I wore long years ago; + It's shiny at the shoulders, + My knees and elbows show. + But on investigation I + Discover this is true: + I can not wear the old suit, + Nor can I buy a new. + + +"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the phone. + +"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. + +"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice. + +"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya want--pink, yellow, or +black?" + + +They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar died, +leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, hurried home, +and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At last, my dear," he +said, "You will be able to buy yourself some decent clothes." + +"I'll do nothing of the sort," sezz she. "I'll get the same kind that +other women wear." + + + + +CLUBS + + +"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening. + +"'Please call my husband to--,' she began, but she was interrupted. + +"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant, blandly. + +"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're mighty sure +about it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either. +Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when I +haven't told you my name?' + +"The attendant answered more blandly than ever: + +"'Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am.'" + + + + +COAL + + +There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in coal +mining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping bureau, to get +every new slant on coal. He said to the clipping bureau: "I want +everything you can find about coal." The first clipping he got was an +article about a man who was suing his wife for a separation because +she hit him on the head with a lump of coal. + + + + +COFFEE + + +Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it is +both strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears from +him. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into a +restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wry +face and then beckoned to the proprietor. + +"What do you call this stuff?" he asked. + +"Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised. + +"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee bean into +my mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street, +swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll guarantee that any one could bail +up much better coffee than this over the entire route!" + + + + +COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS + + +DRESSMAKER--"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. Brown's account." + +BROWN (angrily)--"Why don't you see my wife about it and not come to +me?" + +DRESSMAKER--"I have, several times, but every time I call she does +nothing but order a new gown." + + +A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to collect bills +for the general store, returned with this report: + +"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole Oleson, he +say he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he say he pay in +Yanuary." + +"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he never set a +date before. Are you sure he said in January?" + +"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day when you +get your money." + + +During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected house +was put under quarantine. After the disease had been checked, an old +negress protested vigorously when the health officers started to take +down the sign on her house. + +"Why, Auntie," exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me to take +it down?" + +"Well, sah," she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah neah dis +house sence dat sign went up. You-all let it alone!" + + +Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a coop for +his pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the exception of one which +was walking up and down in front of the door. Andrew ran up to his +mother in great excitement and said: + +"Mamma, is that one a collector?" + +Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said: + +"Well, he can't get in." + + +"Hello Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you starting +away yesterday morning very early on your fishing trip. Did you have +any luck?" + +"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called." + + +"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill." + +"He's away on vacation, sir." + +"Did he leave any address?" + +"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in America.'" + + +MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills and seldom +have to dun them twice. What's the secret?" + +BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my collecting +nights." + + +A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous place in +his store: + + Man is made of dust. + + Dust Settles. + + Be a Man! + + +"Norah," said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, "tell that man +who is ringing the doorbell that I am not receiving today!" + +The servant girl went to the door and said something to the man; then +she stepped into the hall and called upstairs: + +"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says he ain't +deliverin', he's collectin'!" + + +He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed district, +and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward in payment of +his accounts. + +They sent him letter after letter, each more politely threatening than +the last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him a +sporting chance. + +"Now," said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why haven't you +sent us anything? Are things going badly?" + +"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My bankers will +guarantee me all right." + +"Then why haven't you paid up?" + +"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well done +that I've been copying them and sending them round to a few customers +of my own who won't pay up, and I've collected nearly all outstanding +debts. I was only holding back because I felt sure there must be a +final letter, and I wanted to get the series complete." + + +_Probably Meant Florida_ + +"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was the nature +of the trouble you consulted him about?" + +"I went there to collect a bill." + + +"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the collector, after +his tenth fruitless call. + +"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be so +hard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your employment?" + + +ARTIST--"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this month." + +LANDLORD--"But that's what you said last month." + +ARTIST--"You see I keep my word; you can have confidence in me." + + +_See also_ Bills; Debts. + + + + +COLLECTION BOX + + +_See_ Contribution box. + + + + +COLLEGE GRADUATES + + +"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a job." + +"What can he do?" asked the self-made man. + +"He says he's pretty good in Greek." + +"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece since I've +been in the export business." + + + + +COLLEGE STUDENTS + + +"I am delighted to meet you," said the father of the college student, +shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from you +last year, you know." + +"Pardon me," said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but he did not +take it." + + +RUPERT--"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last +night?" + +ROLAND--"They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry." + +RUPERT--"Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them." + + +'07--"You are always behind in your studies." + +'23--"Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to pursue them." + + +STUDENT (writing home)--"How do you spell 'financially'?" + +OTHER--"F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y, and there are two R's in +'embarrassed.'"--_Harper's_. + + +_See also_ Degrees. + + + + +COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES + + +SOPH.--"How does it happen you came to Harvard? I thought your father +was a Yale man." + +FRESH.--"He was. He wanted me to go to Yale; I wanted to go to +Princeton. We had an argument and he finally told me to go to +H----."--_Yale Record_. + + + _On The Aristocracy of Harvard_ + + I come from good old Boston, + The home of the bean and the cod; + Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells, + And the Lowells speak only to God! + + --_Dr. Samuel G. Bushnell_. + + + _On the Democracy of Yale_ + + Here's to the town of New Haven, + The home of the truth and the light; + Where God speaks to Jones in the very same tones, + That he uses with Hadley and Dwight! + + --_Dean Jones_. + + + + +COMMITTEE + + +BOBBIE--"What is a committee, pa?" + +FATHER--"A committee, my son, is something which takes a week to do +what one good man can do in an hour." + + + + +COMMON SENSE + + +A farmer, just arrived in town, was walking across the street and +happened to notice a sign on a hardware store, "Cast Iron Sinks." + +He stood for a minute and then said, "Any fool knows that." + + +Common sense is in spite of, not because of age.--_Lord Thurlow_. + + +Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.--_H. W. Shaw_. + + + + +COMMUNISM + + +We were talking to our friend O'Doul about politics, and he was calm +enough until somebody announced himself "a violent radical." + +"I can stand for Socialism--a little of it, anyway," said O'Doul +fiercely; "but it's this Communism that makes me mad; I'm not going to +stand for any form of government under which a man can come up to me +and say, 'O'Doul, there are too many men just like you in New York. +You go out and live in Columbus.'" + + +A--"Your communism is stupid. If everything were divided today, in a +very short time your portion would be gone. What then?" + +B--"Divide again!" + + + + +COMMUTERS + + +Stationed at the Mont Sec observation post, near St. Mihiel, a French +soldier was showing the scenery to a doughboy. + +"I have been in this section ever since the beginning of the war," he +said. "Back there is Commercy, where my home is." + +"I suppose you get home once in a while?" said the doughboy. + +"Nearly every week," was the response. + +"Hell," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend, +Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here's a guy +what commutes to the war!" + + +FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such an early train as this?" + +SECOND COMMUTER--"No. But I find the earlier the train the less +everybody cares to talk." + + + + +COMPARISONS + + +MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)--"Now see here, yo'! Dat's twice yo' called +me Jackson! If yo' don't know no moah dan to confuse me wif dat +wall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, fiat-footed, paraletic nigger +Jackson, we'll call dis game right here!" + +MR. PERSIMMONS--"'Scuse me, Johnson-'scuse me! Don't draw a razor on +me like Jackson did de other night wen I called him Johnson. Yo' +two fellahs ain't such a much alike 'cept in youah looks an general +characteristics. Dat's all." + + +It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to laugh outright +when on a public platform. The record-making occasion was at a +political meeting in Scotland. The Premier was constantly being +interrupted, one of the chief hecklers being a farmer wearing a large +straw hat. Suddenly from someone in the hall came a very personal +remark concerning Mr. Asquith. + +"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly. + +There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood up, and, +pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, shouted: + +"It was him wi' the coo's breakfast on his head!" + +The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he had to join +in the general roar of laughter. + + + + +COMPENSATION + + +"There's a bright side to everything." + +"To those high food prices?" + +"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have cured." + + +A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard the latter +complaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get tired too, when +I go out walking," said the small maiden, "but I always think what a +nice ride my stomach has been having." + + +"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden leg," said the +veteran. + +"What's that?" asked his friend. + +"You can hold your socks up with thumb-tacks." + + + + +COMPETITION + + +The clergyman's eloquence may have been at fault, still he felt +annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on +two consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he told +the boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him in +the vestry. + +"My boy," said the minister, when they were closeted together, "who is +that elderly gentleman you attend church with?" + +"Grandpa," was the reply. + +"Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during my +sermon, I'll give you a nickel each week." + +The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks the +old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, +however, found him soundly asleep. + +The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very angry with +you. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn't I promise you a +nickel a week to keep him awake?" + +"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not to +disturb him." + + +"Yes," said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of the sick +purchasing agent, "I can cure you." + +"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly. + +"Ninety-five dollars." + +"You'll have to shade your price a little," replied the purchasing +agent, "I have a better bid from the undertaker." + + + + +COMPLIMENTS + + +A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer parishioners, +an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She expressed her great regret +at not being able to hear his sermons. Desiring to be sympathetic +and to say something consoling, he replied, with unnecessary +self-depreciation, "You don't miss much." + +"So they tell me," was the disconcerting reply. + + +"You don't seem to enjoy being referred to as a good loser." + +"No," replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good loser comes to +be regarded merely as a poor performer." + + +_See also_ Tact. + + + + +CONCEIT + + +The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother asked her what +the picture was to be. + +"God," replied the child simply. + +"But you can't draw God," protested the mother, "because you have +never seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and no one knows what He +looks like." + +The small girl licked her pencil and put in another touch. "They'll +all know when I finish this," she said. + + +A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of the one +hundred greatest books ever written. + +"Impossible, my dear," replied Oscar; "I have only written five." + + + + +CONDUCT + + + _I Resolve_ + + To keep my health + To do my work + To live + To see to it I grow and gain and give + Never to look behind me for an hour + To wait in weakness and to walk in power; + But always fronting onward to the light + Always and always facing toward the right + Robbed, starved, defeated, fallen wide astray + On with what strength I have + Back to the Way. + + --_Charlotte Perkins Stetson_. + + + _Envoy_ + + If I am happy, and you, + And there are things to do, + It seems to be the reason + Of this world! + + + Be Noble! and the nobleness that lies + In other men, sleeping but never dead, + Will rise in majesty to meet thine own; + Then wilt thou see it gleam in many eyes + Then will pure light around thy path be shed + And thou wilt nevermore be sad and lone. + + --_Lowell_. + + + "To every man there openeth + A Way and Ways, and a Way, + And the High soul climbs the High Way + And the Low soul gropes the Low, + And in between on the misty flats, + The rest drift to and fro. + But to every man there openeth + A High Way, and a Low, + And every man decideth + The Way his soul shall go." + + --_John Oxenham_. + +Half the joy of life is in "letting go" every once in a while, and, +if you let go twice every once in awhile, it seems that you have just +that much more fun. + + +When days go wrong, remember they aren't self-starters. + + + I often think that anyone can face + A crisis or a crushing tragedy + With calm, exalted courage, but the place + That needs the greatest strength and energy + Is daily grind: to manage just to laugh + At all the petty hazards of each day-- + To smile, whilst sifting life's wheat from its chaff + And strive to see just good along the way. + + --_Helba Baker_. + + +_Promise Yourself_ + +To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. + +To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet. + +To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. + +To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come +true. + +To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect +only the best. + +To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as you are about +your own. + +To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater +achievements of the future. + +To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile ready +for every living creature you meet. + +To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no +time to criticise others. + +To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, +and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. + +To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world--not +in loud words, but in great deeds. + +To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are +true to the best that is in you. + + + + +CONFESSIONS + + +_Open Confession is Good for the Soul_ + +Surgeon's instrument case lost in some saloon. Reward. Dr. H.E. Lebel. +1227 Hennepin. + + +A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule +to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there +wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be +seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service to +come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony." + +The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will +those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come +forward?" + +Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar. + + +The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat. +Finally the subject came down to their respective churches. + +"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi," the +little Irish boy insisted. + +"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell him +everything." + + + + +CONFIDENCES + + +A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: "Drive me +to a haberdasher's." + +"Yaas, suh," said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove a block; +then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse me, boss; whar +d' you say you wanter go?" + +"To a haberdasher's." + +"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh." After another block there was the same +performance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you wanter go?" + +"To a haberdasher's," was the somewhat impatient reply. + +Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n drivin' +in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody away yit. Now, +you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter go." + + + + +CONGRESS + + +"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States history. + +"Oh," replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to ratify it; +and then the President has to--has to veto it; and then the House +of Representatives has to"--she hesitated for a moment, and knit her +pretty forehead. + +"Oh, yes! I remember now," she said. "The House of Representatives has +to adjourn until the next session!" + + +"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?" + +"Yes." + +"And met with the approval of the I.W.W. and the Bolsheviki?" + +"Yes." + +"And O.K.'d by Mr. Hearst?" + +"Certainly." + +"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure restoring +the rights of the people." + + + + +CONSCIENCE + + +Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the first put +this question: "Well, what is conscience, anyhow?" + +"Conscience," said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a bit of a +pessimist, "is the thing we always believe should bother the other +fellow." + + +A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere in +the South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress. +One evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy and +abbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of that +dusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with his +washing. + +He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and an +excited voice was wafted in from the porch: + +"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go out +no moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?" + + +Many a man feels that he could be quite comfortable if his conscience +would meet him halfway. + + + + +CONSCRIPTION + + +He was a homesick colored soldier in a labor battalion, and he saw no +chance of a discharge. + +"De nex' wah dey has," he announced to a friend, "dey's two men dat +ain't goin'--me an' de man dey sends to git me." + + +A negro registrant from a farming district was called to service. +Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved to another +street. At the new address another negro languished in the doorway. + +"Is dis whar de redemtion bo'd is at?" queried the newcomer. + +"Sho' is," answered the second. "But de blessed redeemer done gone out +fo' lunch." + + +Zeb Smith was a drafted man. He saw heavy fighting in France and was +wounded. On his return to the United States he was interviewed by one +whose duty it was to interest himself in the men. + +"Smith, what do you intend to do when you are released from the +service?" + +"Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply. + + +The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his case +for a medical examination. + +"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat. +I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have a +hospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in taking +me where I can get mended right away, so that I can get back to +fighting without losing a minute. Pass me in, doctor. Don't waste any +time on me. I want to fight, and keep fighting!" + +The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported a +perfect physical specimen. + +"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?" + +"Nothing." + +"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?" + + +_See also_ Judgment. + + + + +CONSERVATIVES + + +_See_ Radicals. + + + + +CONSOLATION + + +FIRST WALL STREET BROKER--"Anything to do today?" + +SECOND WALL STREET BROKER--"Certainly not." + +"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a bit."--_Life_. + + + + +CONTENTMENT + + +Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we know we +can't have. + + +Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in taking away +some fire.--_Fuller_. + + +Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue even in +misfortune.--_Leszczinski_. + + +To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of +riches.--_Cicero_. + + + + +CONTRIBUTION BOX + + +"I can na' get ower it," a Scottish farmer remarked to his wife. "I +put a twa-shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning instead +o' ma usual penny." + +The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed the +farmer to miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays. + +On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, but +the old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him and, in a loud, +tragic whisper, hoarsely said: + +"Your time's up noo, Sandy." + + +An old colored minister announced that he had invented an automatic +collection basket, which would be passed around by the deacons of his +church. "It is so arranged, my brethren," said he, "dat if you drop in +a quatah or half dollah it falls noiselessly on a red plush cushion; +if you drop a nickel it will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heard +by de entiah congregation; but if you let fall a suspender button, my +brethren, it will fiah off a pistol." + + +"Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and +'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?" + +"Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; "but you +may tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between a +congregation and a collection." + + +"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on the +congregation." + +"How do you know?" + +"I could tell when I counted the collection." + + +"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked Pastor +Brown. + +"Well, sah," replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take an active +part, an' I used to pass de collection-basket, but dey's give de job +to Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah thai-ah." + +"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?" + +"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his having lost +one o' his hands." + + +BESS--"Somebody passed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year ago, and he +hasn't been able to get rid of it since." + +MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)--"What! Does that young man never go to +church, then?" + + +A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to his +congregation: + +"Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have +failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazaar can do +for us." + + +It is said that the farthing was coined in response to a demand from +Scotchmen for a satisfactory coin for the collection box. It's value +is a fourth of a cent. + + +A minister was on his vacation in the country. A neighboring church +heard of it and asked him to preach while their own pastor was away. +He consented and, on the Sunday when he was to supply, he and his boy +walked across the fields to the church. In the vestibule there was a +box for voluntary contributions and the minister after feeling around +in his pocket found fifty cents which he dropped in. After the sermon, +the elders came up to express their appreciation for his fine sermon +and then remembered they hadn't yet paid him. They generously decided +to give him all the collection for that Sunday and on opening the +contribution box they found exactly fifty cents. The minister accepted +it and went on his way home. After walking some distance the boy +noticed his father was very silent evidently pondering over something, +so he said, "Father, how much did you get?" + +The father replied "Fifty cents, son." + +"Why father, that's just what you put in, wasn't it?" asked the boy. + +"Yes, son." + +Both walked along in silence for some distance further, then the boy +spoke up and said: "Father, if you had put more in, you'd have got +more out, wouldn't you?" + + +Tight, who had money to burn but was apparently afraid of fire, +happened in a church one day when a collection was being taken for +foreign missions. Eventually the collector reached Tight, but Tight +didn't make any motions like producing beautiful coin. + +"Pardon me," said the collector, placing the box before Tight, "we are +taking a collection for foreign missions. Wouldn't you like to add a +little to the amount?" + +"No, sir!" was the decisive rejoinder of Tight. "I never give to +foreign missions." + +"Then take a little out of the box," softly responded the collector. +"The money is for the benefit of the heathen." + + +A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and the minister +was calling on members for subscriptions. One of the pillars of the +church rose and said: "I subscribe five dollars." Just at that instant +a piece of plaster fell on his head. Half stunned he mumbled "f-f-five +hundred dollars" and the minister prayed "Oh Lord, hit him again." + + + + +CONUNDRUMS + + +A party of young people were amusing themselves by guessing the +answers to conundrums. One of them asked, "Why is the pancake like the +sun?" + +"Because it rises in der yeast and sets behind der vest," was the +answer given by a brilliant young Swede. + + +They were discussing that joke about getting down off an elephant. + +"How do you get down?" asked the jokesmith for the fourth time. + +"You climb down." + +"Wrong!" + +"You grease his sides and slide down." + +"Wrong!!" + +"You take a ladder and get down." + +"Wrong!!!" + +"Well, you take the trunk line down." + +"No, not quite. You don't get down off an elephant; you get it off a +goose." + + + + +COOKERY + + +"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while you were +away. Did he enjoy it?" + +"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to swear +during my absence." + + +"My husband has had indigestion for the past month." + +"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a cook." + + +OFFICER--"Is that soup ready, Jones?" + +OFFICER'S SERVANT--"No, sir, the stove went out, sir." + +OFFICER--"Went out! Then why don't you light it again?" + +OFFICER'S SERVANT--"'Cos it went out by the roof, sir." + + +"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. Newlywed. + +"Why, er-er-er," stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you pounded it +enough, did you?" + + +She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During the +meal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband: + +"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good." + +After taking a bite he sadly replied: + +"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste +like this. It's something you put in." + + + + +COOKS + + +_See_ Servants + + + + +COOPERATION + + + It is not the guns or armament + Or the money they can pay; + It's the close cooperation + That makes them win the day; + It's not the individual + Or the army as a whole + But the everlasting team work + Of every blooming soul. + + --_Kipling_. + + + + +CORPULENCE + + +A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could get +neither out nor in. + +"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully. + +"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways." + + +"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not +passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggerated +politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with no +fee. + +"Why?" she inquired. + +"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll +'ave a fit," was the freezing answer. + + + + +CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS + + +_The Stamp of Learning_ + +"Pa, what's a postgraduate?" + +"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I +suppose." + + + + +COSMOPOLITANISM + + +JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?" + +CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin' +in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit of +Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a German +band outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be a +cosmopolitan." + + + + +COST OF LIVING + + +"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!" + +"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with it +had he spent it then!" + + +"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone." + +"Why so?" + +"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money." + + +"How's business?" + +"Not too good--thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goods +at reasonable prices." + + +"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?" + +"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten thousand sheep, +put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd got +through counting the money I got for them at present prices it was +time to get up." + + +"Father, I need a new riding habit." + +"Can't afford it," he growled. + +"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?" + +"Get the walking habit." + + +In these days of the high cost of living the following story has a +decided point: + +The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the children the +difference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was finding +it hard. + +"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man ever +made?" + +A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the question +of ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge: + +"A living for a family." + + +"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?" + +"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole." + +"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?" + + +MRS. HOMESPUN--"What'll we contribute to the minister's +donation-party?" + +FARMER HOMESPUN--"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is +'way up, fowl is 'way up--we'll save money by giving him money." + + +A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to be +sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled and +bragged about a sale of hogs he had just made. + +"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none too fat, +nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilful +jugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, +I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war." + +The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents. + +"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job now." + +"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean by +treblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?" + +"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some of +that high-priced pork of yours this winter." + + +OLD DAME--"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, but +you've only given me a penny." + +THE LITTLE MAN--"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the work +of two in war-time."--_Punch_. + + +"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the high +cost of living?" + +"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to make +political economy take the place of domestic economy." + + +HE--"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to the +next meal." + +SHE--"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?" + +HE--"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"--_Life_. + + +A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice to +prisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, he +started thus: + +"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, do +you understand?" + +"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lordship will tell +me how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths ends +meet, I might." + + +And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying to +satisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's salary. + + +SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high price +of eggs)--"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war with +Germany?"--_Punch_. + + +"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?" + +"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of a +customer for what he may expect and saves argument." + + +"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half for +planked steak!" + +"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again." + + +Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but only +within ours. + + +"Farm products cost more than they used to." + +"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know the +botanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of the +insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it, +somebody's got to pay." + + +_Its Friendly Way_ + +"How are we to meet the high cost of living?" + +"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. "It +overtakes you." + + +"What are the luxuries of life?" + +"Things that were necessities two years ago." + + +A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met +and fell to discussing their affairs in general. + +"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice +Collines." + +"No, I didn't break it." + +"Oh, she broke it?" + +"No, she didn't break it." + +"But it is broken?" + +"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my income +was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved." + + + + +COUNTRY LIFE + + +UNCLE EZRA--"So ye just got back from New York! What's the difference +between the city and the country?" + +UNCLE EBEN--"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling all in and get +up feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed feeling fine and get up +feeling all in."--_Life_. + + +Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. Walking in +the garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she had never seen +before. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran quickly into the +house and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and see! One of your chickens +is in bloom." + + +A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, which +he keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticed +looking over the wall to see what a cow looks like. + + +Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men in her +grandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit trees and asked +many questions. + +Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she noticed a +gentleman with a mourning band round his left sleeve. + +"Mamma," she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up his other +arm?" + + +A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was out +walking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drink +of milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and while +he was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. The +minister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, so +he said: + +"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?" + +The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are excited, +sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out of!" + + +An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to buy a +bicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had determined to see +everything. + +"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said he proudly. + +"But think," said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look riding about +on a cow." + +"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle," answered +the farmer. + + +"Hiram," said the farmer's wife, "what makes you say 'By gosh!' so +much and go round with a straw in your mouth?" + +"I'm getting ready for them summer boarders that's comin' next week. +If some of us don't talk an' act that way, they'll think we ain't +country folks at all." + + + + +COURAGE + + +The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked +as if he might shake a mean lower jaw. + +"Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat. "You +always swore you would face death for me." + +"I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't +dead." + + +"Who led the army in that recent expedition?" + +"I did," replied General Tamale. + +"I thought the attack was led by General Concarne." + +"It was I who prevented great loss of life. He led them going forward, +but I led them coming back." + + +A man of courage is also full of faith.--_Cicero_. + + +Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing it +and conquering it.--_Richter_. + + +Few persons have courage enough to appear as good as they really +are.--_Hare_. + + +Conscience in the soul is the root of all true courage. If a man would +be brave, let him learn to obey his conscience.--_Clarke_. + + + + +COURTESY + + +"How do you like your new music-master?" + +"He is a very nice, polite young man. When I made a mistake yesterday +he said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take so much pains to improve +upon Beethoven?'" + + +Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for +courtesy.--_Emerson_. + + + How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, + Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! + Wholesome as air and genial as the light, + Welcome in every clime as breaths of flowers-- + It transmutes aliens into trusting friends, + And gives its owner passport round the globe. + + --_J.T. Fields_. + + + + +COURTS + + +A couple of old codgers got into a quarrel and landed before the local +magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of +mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court." + +"I'm willin'," said the other. + +"An' I'll law you to the Supreme Court." + +"I'll be thar." + +"An' I'll law to 'ell!" + +"My attorney'll be there," was the calm reply. + + +In the course of his examination these questions were put to an old +negro who was appearing as a witness: + +"What is your name?" + +"Calhoun Clay, sah." + +"Can you sign your name?" + +"Sah?" + +"I ask if you can write your name?" + +"Well, no, sah. Ab nebber writes mah name. Ah dictates it, sah." + + +MAGISTRATE (to prisoner)--"What is your name?" + +PRISONER--"S-s-sam S-s-sissons, S-s-sir." + +MAGISTRATE--"Where do you live?" + +PRISONER--"S-s-seventy seven S-s-surrey street. S-s-sir." + +MAGISTRATE (to policeman)--"Officer, what is this man charged with?" + +OFFICER--"Begorry, yer honor. Oi think he must be charged with soda +wather." + + +In one of the Brooklyn courts a recent case required the testimony of +a young German immigrant. + +"Now, Britzmann," said the lawyer for the plaintiff, "what do you do?" + +"Ah vos pretty vell," replied the witness. + +"I am not inquiring as to your health. I want to know what you do." + +"Vork!" + +"Where do you work?" continued the counsel. + +"In a vactory." + +"What kind of a factory?" + +"It vos bretty big vactory?" + +"Your honor," said the lawyer, turning to the judge, "if this goes on +we'll need an interpreter." Then he turned to the witness again. + +"Now, Britzmann, what do you make in the factory?" he asked. + +"You vant to know vot I make in der vactory?" + +"Exactly! Tell us what you make." + +"Eight dollars a veek." + +Then the interpreter got a chance to earn his daily bread. + + +"Uncle Joe Cannon was asked today what he thought of the outlook for +the Republican party in 1916, and he answered with a story. + +"A black man was arrested for horse-stealing while I was +prosecuting-attorney in Vermilion county," he said, "and was placed +on trial after being duly indicted. When his day in court came he +was taken before the judge and I solemnly read the charge in the +indictment to him. + +"'Are you guilty or not?' I asked. + +"The black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss,' he finally +said, 'ain't dat the very thing we're about to try?'" + + +JUDGE--"Officer, what's the matter with the prisoner--tell her to stop +that crying--she's been at it fifteen minutes" (more sobs). + +OFFICER--"Please, sir, I'm a'thinking she wants to be bailed out." + + +_See also_ Jury; Witnesses. + + + + +COURTSHIP + + +If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite perfect in +your opinion; if he is the man you think he is and you want him, don't +put him on a pedestal and worship him as an idol. + +Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger and get a ring on the +next. + + +Mother was out, and Sister Sue was putting on her best blouse, so +six-year-old Bobby had to entertain Sue's young man. As is the way +with his kind, he began to ply the unfortunate caller with questions. + +"Mr. Brown," he began, "what is a popinjay?" + +"Why--er--a popinjay is a--eh--vain bird." + +"Are you a bird, Mr. Brown?" + +"No, of course not." + +"Well, that's funny. Mother said you were a popinjay, and father said +there was no doubt about your being a jay, and Sue said there didn't +seem to be much chance of your poppin', and now you say you aren't a +bird at all." + + +Courtship is a bowknot that matrimony pulls into a hard knot. + + +IRATE PARENT--"No, siree. You can't have her. I won't have a +son-in-law who has no more brains than to want to marry a girl with +no more sense than my daughter has shown in allowing you to think you +could have her."--_Life_. + + + _The Lover's Farewell_ + + "Oh! fare you well, my dearest dear, + Oh! fare you well for a while, + I go away, but I'll come back again, + If I go ten thousand miles." + + "But who will take me out," she sighed, + "And who will glove my hands, + And who will kiss my ruby lips + When you are in foreign lands?" + + "Your brother will take you out," he said, + "Your mother will glove your hands, + And I will kiss your ruby lips + When I return again." + + +Will and Mary had been busy courting for over two years, meeting every +night in Hope Street, Glasgow. About a fortnight ago, Will, in parting +with his beloved, made the usual remark: + +"I'll meet ye in Hope Street tomorrow nicht. Mind and be punctual." + +"'Deed, aye, Will, lad," replied Meg, with a merry twinkle in her eye. +"We hae met noo a lang time in Hope Street, an' I was jist thinkin' +that it was high time we were shiftin' oor trystin'-place a street +farther along. Whit wad ye say to Union Street?" + + +MAUDE--"What makes you think his intentions are serious?" + +MABEL--"When he first began to call he used to talk about the books I +like to read." + +MAUDE--"And now?" + +MABEL--"Now he talks about the things he likes to eat."--_Life_. + + +"Cheer up, old man! There's other fish in the sea." + +REJECTED SUITOR-"Yes, but the last one took all my bait!"--_Life_. + + +NEIGHBOR--"Got much money in your bank, Bobby?" + +BOBBY--"Gee, no! The depositors have fallen off somethin' fierce since +sister got engaged." + +"So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" snorted the old man. "Do you +consider yourself financially able to do so?" + +"Well," replied the suitor, "after a fellow has bought candy and +flowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the theater twice +a week and is still not broke, I guess he can afford to get married." + + +MR. GOODTHING--"How does your sister like the engagement ring I gave +her, Bobby?" + +HER YOUNG BROTHER--"Well, it's a little too small;--she has an awful +hard time getting it off when the other fellows call!" + + +MR. SLOW (calling on girl)--"You seem rather--er--distant this +evening." + +GIRL--"Well, your chair isn't nailed to the floor, is it?" + + +_See also_ Love; Proposals. + + + + +CREDIT + + +FIRST CREDIT MAN--"How about Jones of Pigville Center?" + +SECOND CREDIT MAN--"He always pays cash, so we don't know how honest +he is!" + + +A little girl of eight entered a store in a small town and said: + +"I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress." + +The merchant selected some and handed the child the package. + +"How much is it?" she asked. + +"Just one kiss," was the reply. + +"All right," said the child as she turned to go, "grandma said to tell +you she would pay you when she came in tomorrow." + + +"Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no, dear! +Appearances is deceitful. They didn't have no charge-account. Paid +cash for everything."--_Judge_. + + +Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit sales-slips +one day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk: + +"Did you give George Callahan credit?" + +"Sure," said the clerk. "I--" + +"Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man asking for +credit?" + +"Why, I did," retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young fellow. +"I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to every grocer +in town, and, of course, if his credit was that good I knew that you +would like to have him open an account here!" + + +A well-known wholesale merchant, who has a wide patronage throughout +the Piedmont region of the South, received the following letter from +one of his customers a few weeks ago: + +"I receive your letter about what I owes you. Now be pachent. I ain't +forgot you and soon as folks pay me I'll pay you, but if this was +judgment day and you were no more prepared to meet your Maker than I +am to meet your account then you sho going to hell." + +The credit, it may be noted, was extended. + + +"Rufus, aren't you feeling well?" + +"No, sah; I'se not feelin' well, sah." + +"Have you consulted your doctor, Rufus?" + +"No, sah; I ain't don' dat, sah." + +"Why? Aren't you willing to trust your doctor, Rufus?" + +"Oh, yes, sah; but de trubble is he's not so alt'gether willin' to +trus' me, sah." + + + "My son," said old man Reddit, + "Take this advice from me: + The less you use your credit + The better it will be." + + + + +CRIME + + + Lives of master crooks remind us + We may do a bit of time, + And, departing, leave behind us + Thumb-prints in the charts of crime.--_Life_. + + +Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.--_Voltaire_. + + +Responsibility prevents crimes.--_Burke_. + + +If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the father.--_La +Bruyere_. + + + But many a crime deemed innocent on earth + Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt + Have each their record, with a curse annex'd. + + --_Cowper_. + + + + +CRITICISM + + + A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade, + Save censure; critics all are ready-made. + + --_Byron_. + + + Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer, + And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer: + Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, + Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike. + + --_Pope_. + + +THE ARTIST--"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my pictures +unmercifully." + +HIS FRIEND--"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; he has no +ideas of his own--he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else is +saying." + + + + +CULTURE + + +JIGGS--"Townsen can read three languages." + +TRIGGS--"What are they?" + +JIGGS--"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables." + + +HE--"Not quite a lady, is she?" + +SHE--"No--but I should say her pearls are 'cultured,'" + +That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every form +of human life, and enables us to work most successfully for its +advancement.--_Beecher_. + + + + +CURES + + +_A Testimonial_ + +DOCTOR--"Did that cure for deafness really help your brother?" + +PAT--"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years and the day after +he took that medicine, he heard from a friend in America." + + + + +CURIOSITY + + +"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamond +necklace." + +"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?" + +"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife's +ability to fulfill the rest of that contract." + + +William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman came up to +his window the other day with a cashier's check for fifty dollars. + +"What denomination," asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest manner. + +"Lutheran," replied the woman. "What are you?" + + + + +CURRENT EVENTS + + +MRS. BARR--"Henry, what are current events?" + +MR. BARR--"Anything shocking, my dear"--_Life_. + + + + +CUSTOM + + +Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord +asked how he liked his fare. + +"I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote. + +"Except the mayor," cried the landlord. + +"I except nobody," said he. + +"But you must!" screamed the host. + +"I won't!" + +"You must!" + +At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, who observed +that it had been customary in that town for a great number of years +always to "except the mayor," and accordingly fined him a shilling for +not conforming to ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the +shilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord the +greatest fool in Christendom--except the mayor. + + + To follow foolish precedents, and wink + With both our eyes, is easier than to think. + + --_Cowper_. + + + Custom does often reason overrule, + And only serves for reason to the fool. + + --_Rochester_. + + + + +DACHSHUNDS + + +An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of the +boarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" figured. She was +unable for a moment to think of the word. + +"It was one of these--what do you call them?--one of these long German +dogs." + +The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. "Frankfurters!" + + + + +DAMAGES + + +The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and this +anecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of Utah. + +A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and after +being confined to his home for several weeks he appeared on the street +walking with the aid of crutches. + +"Hello, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake his +hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again." + +"Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again." + +"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed the +acquaintance. "Can't you do without them?" + +"My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my lawyer +says I can't." + + +"I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent of the +street-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wife +was getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress and +tore a yard of frilling off the skirt." + +The superintendent remained cool. + +"Well, sir," he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for that. +What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?" + +"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," the other +man replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece of +silk. + +"What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this silk." + + + + +DANCING + + +The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing the +new styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he asked +sternly: + +"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dances +are right?" + +"They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don't +dance them are always left." + + + + +DAYLIGHT SAVING + + +"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?" + +"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd really +prefer not to use any daylight at all." + + +Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested in +the adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks had +been set back an hour awoke his mother. + +"Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs. +Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set their +crow back." + + +"Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., "I've heerd +something or nuther about setting the clock for'ards or bac'ards for +some reason. I don't prezisely know what. But it don't make no special +difference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs about +as it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess and +b'gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what's +the odds? We've got all the time there is anyway." + + +Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one a +grandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clock +on the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been altered to +the Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, Geordie," asked +a customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and not the gran'faither's +clock?" + +"Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's clock's been +tellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa can't find it in me +heart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made in +Jarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's as reet as can be for that job." + + +"What is worrying you now?" + +"Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "I +am merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight I +saved since we set the clocks forward." + + +"Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have run +down. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the junction and find out +what time it is." + +"I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?" + +"Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece of +paper." + + + + +DEAD BEATS + + +_See_ Bills; Collecting of accounts. + + + + +DEBTS + + +CREDITOR--"You couldn't go around in your fine automobile if you paid +your debts." + +DEBTOR--"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same light that I +do." + + +HARDUPPE--"I really must apologize for looking so shabby." + +FLUBDUBB--"Oh, clothes don't make the man." + +HARDUPPE--"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor." + + +"Look 'ere--I asks yer for the last time for that 'arf-dollar yer owes +me." + +"Thank 'evins!--that's the end of a silly question." + + +A floating debt is a poor life saver. + + +"Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariable +rule to settle all their debts on New-year's day." + +"So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the Chinese +don't have a Christmas the week before." + + +OKE--"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?" + +OWENS--"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted." + + +MR. THURSDAY--"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is doing settlement +work lately." + +MR. FRIDAY--"Yes, his creditors finally cornered him." + + +"How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he is?" + +"I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more than a week +at a time." + +RASTUS--"How much, boss?" + +DRUGGIST--"Sixty cents and three cents war tax." + +RASTUS--"Boss, Ah done thought de wah was over." + +DRUGGIST--"Sure, it is, but we have to pay the debts." + +RASTUS--"Boss, Ah always thought de one whut lost paid de debts. Dat's +why I fight so hard." + + +"I was preparing to shave a chap the other afternoon," says a head +barber. "I had trimmed his hair, and from such talk as I had had with +him I judged him to be an easy-going, unexcitable sort of fellow. But +suddenly his manner changed. Out of the corner of his eye he had seen +a man enter whose appearance upset him." + +"Hurry, George!" he muttered to me. "Lather to the eyes--quick, quick! +Here comes my tailor!" + + +IRATE FATHER--"It's astonishing, Richard, how much money you need." + +SON--"I don't need it, father; it's the hotel-keepers, the tailors, +and the taxicab men." + +_See also_ Bills; Collecting of accounts. + + + + +DEGREES + + + "You college men seem to take life pretty easy." + "Yes; even when we graduate we do it by degrees." + + --_Boston Transcript_. + + +Our British cousins seem to think we have peculiar ways of getting our +D.D.'s over here. A London newspaper relates how the congregation of a +Southern church, being desirous of honoring their pastor, wrote to the +dean of a certain faculty: "We want to get our beloved pastor a D.D. +We enclose all the money we can raise at present. Be good enough to +send one D. now. We hope to raise sufficient for the other D. by and +by." + + + + +DEMAGOG + + +"Father," said the small boy, "what is a demagog?" + +"A demagog, my son, is a man who can rock the boat himself and +persuade everybody that there's a terrible storm at sea." + + + + +DEMOCRACY + + +ADKINS--"Well, the world is at last safe for democracy." + +WATKINS--"Just what is democracy, anyway?" + +"A democracy is a form of government where one party doesn't do things +as they ought to be done, and the other party tells how much better +they would be done if it were in power." + + +In his first lecture in New York the visiting English writer and wit, +G.K. Chesterton, protested against prohibition and other limitations +on American freedom. He quoted the phrase from Patrick Henry's +address, "Give me liberty or give me death." Then he said: + +"If Patrick Henry could arise from the dead and revisit the land of +the living and see the vast system and social organization and social +science which now controls, he would probably simplify his observation +and say: 'Give me death!'" + + +Democracy means not "I am as good as you are," but "you are as good as +I am."--_Theodore Parker_. + + + + +DENTISTS + + +"Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but +before beginning this work I must have my drill." + +"Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pull +a tooth without a rehearsal?" + + +Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got +up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth +she screamed. + +"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you know +I'm a 'painless dentist'?" + +"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't." + + +DENTIST--"Open wider, please--wider." + +PATIENT--"A--A--A--Ah." + +DENTIST (inserting rubber gag, towel, and sponge)--"How's your +family?" + + +A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a dentist ordering a set +as follows: + +"My mouth is three inches acrost, five-eighths inches threw the jaw. +Some hummocky on the edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, toe forward. If +you want me to be more particular, I shall have to come thar." + + +Dentist, speaking to patient about to have a tooth extracted--"Have +you heard the latest song hit?" + +Patient--"No. What is the title of it?" + +Dentist--"The Yanks are Coming." + + +Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have a loose +tooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows: + +"The doctor told me 'fore he began that if I cried or screamed it +would cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it would be only fifty +cents." + +"Did you scream?" his mother asked. + +"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty cents." + + +Mr. Harkins had taken his boy, aged ten, to have an offending molar +tooth drawn. When the job had been accomplished, the dentist said: "I +am sorry, sir, but I shall have to charge you five dollars for pulling +that tooth." + +"Five dollars!" exclaimed Mr. Harkins, in dismay. "Why, I understood +you to say that you charged only one dollar for such work!" + +"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly +that he scared four other patients out of the office."--_Harper's_. + + + + +DEPARTMENT STORES + + +"I want some shoe-strings, some hairpins, a pair of gloves, and a +tooth-brush," the woman said. "I have to catch a train, and have but a +few minutes." + +"Yes, madam!" the floorwalker replied briskly. "That's the beauty of a +department store-get anything you want, right under the one roof! Take +elevator to eleventh floor, shoe department, eight aisles to the +right from the main passageway, for shoe-strings; hairpins in notions +department, east side of basement, three aisles beyond hardware; +gloves in women's wear, fifth floor of annex, reached by passageway +over street; toothbrush in drugs and toilet-articles department, on +balcony, reached by moving stairway, which you will find on your right +as you pass the fountain in the florist shop in the center of the main +floor." + + + + +DESTINATION + + + Where'er I go, in this far land, + The people wish to understand + Where I am going. If I knew + They would not think my answer true; + And if I said I did not know + They would advise me not to go. + + +The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales. Came +to a station which rejoiced in the name Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych. For +a few minutes he stood looking at the signboard in mute helplessness. +Then pointing to the board, and waving his other arm toward the +carriages, he called, "If there's anybody there for here, this is it!" + + + + +DETECTIVES + + +HOKUS--"How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?" + +POKUS--"Great. You know, he used to work in the repair department of +an umbrella factory." + +"What has that got to do with being a detective?" + +"Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never been stolen." + + + + +DETERMINATION + + +"Thirty years ago," said the man who had traveled to the end of +the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided, +without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the +world pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollar +bill and a determination to make a million more. Today (and he threw +out his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty cents +in change." + + + When hope seems dim + And the worst's in sight, + When you've lost your vim, + Just hang on tight; + Give blow for a blow, + And don't give in, + Till you've let 'em all know + That you tried to win. + + + + +DIAGNOSIS + + +FRIEND--"What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself to +you for consultation?" + +DOCTOR--"I ask him if he has a car." + +FRIEND--"What do you learn from that?" + +DOCTOR--"If he has one, I know he is wealthy--and if he hasn't, I know +he is healthy." + + +Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, +after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse. + +A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't +it wonderful? What do you think of him?" + +"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily. + + +The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it. + +"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market." + +"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you sent me is +most unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; calf's liver is +tender and----" + +"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor." + +"What is it?" Wilkins asked. + +The bookkeeper surrendered the phone. + +"Mrs. Blank," he said. "Liver Complaint." + + +Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with a +desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying, +anyway. At the dispensary the "doc." looked him over, felt his pulse, +and took his temperature. Then he said: + +"I can't find anything wrong with you." + +No answer. + +"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?" + +"Doc," replied Axel. "That bane your yob." + + +"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de +doctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy." + +"It was for my brother, Lila." + +"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?" + +"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as +well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and +seems as well as any one; but he can't do any work at all." + +"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' got! Dat's a +gif!"--_Everybody's_. + + + + +DILEMMAS + + +The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of his +office; hence the following: + +One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and whispered +a brief message. The occupant rose at once and both men left the +orchestra hastily and made for the dressing-rooms. + +"It's the leading lady," wailed one of the actresses, meeting them; +"come this way." + +"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, solemnly. + +"Yes, from the fire-bucket." + +"The fire bucket!--what a fearful blunder! Here," and he scribbled a +line on a card, "take this to the drug-store and get it filled." + +When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, she opened +her eyes. + +"Doctor," she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I know you +are aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I want a day off, +and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you fix it?" + +"You bet I can," said the doctor, wringing her hand, sympathetically. +"I ain't no doctor. I came in on this ticket." + + +A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Park +avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office, +proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to my +wife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for the +ad. + + +"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't I?" + +"Yes, dear." + +"And should I go to heaven?" + +"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?" + +"And would the bear have to go too?" + + +A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each man mark +with chalk the number on every car of coal mined. + +One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it with a +number one and, after pondering a while, let it go at that. + +Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a mistake, +called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked the car number +one instead of eleven. + +"Yes, I know," said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de odder wan go +on." + + +Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One morning +on going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah looked as if she +had been tangled up with a road-roller. + +"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened to you?" + +"Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in, +an' jes' fo' nothin', too!" + +"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habit +of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?" + +"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy," was the rejoinder of +Dinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his fine." + + +"Yes," said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to be partly +indoors and partly outdoors." + +"That's all right," said the applicant, "but what becomes of me when +the door slams shut?"--_Judge_. + + + + +DINING + + + _Nocturne_ + + The hour grows late, + And hungrily I wait + To hear her say + Three words--three little words, + Yet great + Enough to bring completeness to the day. + + At last she comes, + Cassandra tall and dark-- + Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums, + And pauses shamelessly to mark + How her delay has angered or unnerved + The weak among us. Then she snuffles--Hark! + _"Dinnah am served!"_ + --E.W.B. + + +"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?" + +"Bobbie has no between meals."--_Life_. + + +A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room +at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for +dining. + +"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, +and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk. + +"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin' +ter git ter see the town?" + + +"Mama, I want a dark breakfast." + +"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?" + +"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, and I didn't +like it." + + +MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)--"You always ought to use your napkin, +Georgie." + +GEORGIE--"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg of +the table with it." + + + + +DIPLOMACY + + +"Father," said the small boy, "what is an overt act?" + +"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you to be so +rude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't notice it." + + +"Now, sir," said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you to be the +chairman of the big meeting which we are to hold." + +"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily. + +"I don't quite follow you." + +"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to meet?" + + +Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining parlor" in +a little Northwestern town, and, as customers are rather scarce +thereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of them. But his "parlor" +has to be run on a strict cash basis. So when a man a little too well +known to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" about town came in to have his shoes +shined and suggested to the old negro a desire to pay at a later date, +Uncle Mose did some quick thinking. + +"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is," he replied with diplomatic suavity; +"but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de nex' cohner an' +me--we done made a 'greement dat ef I didn't loan money he wouldn't +shine shoes, an' I jes' cain't break dat 'greement." + + +Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone else have +your way. + + + + +DISARMAMENT + + + Were half the power that fills the world with terror, + Were half the wealth bestowed on camps and courts + Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR, + There were no need of arsenals and forts. + + --_Longfellow_. + + +"What do you think of this disarmament idea?" + +"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their player piano, +I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking singing lessons." + + + + +DISCHARGE + + +COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you +ought to be proud of it." + +SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah +was jest fired." + + + + +DISCIPLINE + + +The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speak +sharply to one of the pupils. + +"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and you +must remain with me an hour after school." + +Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, "if your +wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't." + + +In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice. +No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of every +child is considered too sacred for repression. + +One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Grace +arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered with +blood. + +"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother. + +The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms. +Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth. + +When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wanted +to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy. + +"She didn't do anything," said Grace. + +"Well, what did she say?" + +"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know that +was very anti-social?'" + + +HUSBAND--"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you." + +WIFE--"Oh, yes, I will.--You were just as troublesome yourself at +first." + + +_See also_ Children; Parents. + + + + +DISCOUNTS + + +SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS--"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept five +cents on a tollar--cash." + +COHEN, THE DEBTOR--"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regular +cash discount?"--_Puck_. + + + + +DISCRETION + + +WILLIE--"Pa, what is discretion?" + +FATHER--"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son." + + +Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all the +duties of life.--_Addison_. + + + + +DISPOSITION + + +"Allow me to congratulate you." + +"What for?" + +"Oh, for just anything--the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact that +you are up and about. Isn't that something?" + +"No!" + +"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours." + + +"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped the +Grouch on the street. + +"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling. + + +"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat +fellows are always good natured?" + +"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight or +run." + + +"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!" + +"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking +what a good time she would have if she were having it." + + + + +DISTANCES + + +The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging +to an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might get +there some time," should be classed with the London banker who said +to a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for +her wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, but +I'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any +fine afternoon." + + +At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: "Hey +uncle! How far is it to Lexington?" + +"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, but +ev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh." + + +"Where do you live in the city--close in?" + +"Fairly so--thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-five +by street-car, and forty-five by telephone." + + + + +DIVORCE + + +"Binks has married again." + +"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!" + + +At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need a +new reference-book--"Who's Whose." + + +SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)--"Well, +you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and no +publicity." + +CLIENT--"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicity +and everything?" + + +WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)--"Let's see, what is the name of +the place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?" + +HUB--"Reno, my dear." + + +"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?" + +"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a woman +crying at a wedding out there." + + +A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleaned +before it was pressed. + + +"What are you cutting out of the paper?" + +"An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wife +went through his pockets." + +"What are you going to do with it?" + +"Put it in my pocket."--_Everybody's_. + + +"Scotsman, married, desires change."--_Weekly Paper_. + +We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested just +now. + + +To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour. + + + + +DOCTORS + + +"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfully +passed for your degree?" + +YOUNG DOCTOR--"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and 'Dr.' after the +name of other people."--_Life_. + + +"Who is your family doctor?" + +"I can't tell you." + +"Why not? Don't you know his name?" + +"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mother +goes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sister +goes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lung +specialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath." + + +A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in his +study reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servant +appeared at the door. + +"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chase +them away?" + +The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes at +the servant. + +"No," he said. + + +Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructions +as to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave the +office, when the doctor said: + +"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me." + +"Pay yo for what, boss?" + +"For my advice," replied the doctor. + +"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out. + + +M.D.--"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?" + +MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't +have the price?"--_Life_. + + +"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had come +to England to learn the language. + +His only chum told him. + +"That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I am +reading that the doctor pronounced it fatal." + + +Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases he +learned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for that disease the +post-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfect +condition. + +"The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard in +London recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient, +when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B.' +for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slips +when his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters +'G.O.K.' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing him +around: + +"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in London. What +is it, anyhow?' + +"Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English physician. + + +The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and nodded +smilingly at his patient. + +"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you think is the +matter with you this morning?" + +"Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient languidly. +"What is new?" + + +"When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who happened to +be in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parents +persuaded me to study medicine." + +"Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many a +man with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retail +business." + + +The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They had +retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In the +closet of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient's +directions to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell the +patient who desired genuine information. + +"Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to report, "what +did they say?" + +"I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as hard as I +could, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it. +All I could catch was when one doctor said: + +"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'" + + +YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)--"Guess whom I met today, +doctor?" + +DOCTOR--"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser." + +"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of your +profession?"--_Life_. + + +DOCTOR--"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did." + +"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"--_Life_. + + +"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start." + +"I know. I'm raising whiskers." + +"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 to +put in your anteroom." + + +PATIENT--"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?" + +DOCTOR--"This is where I practice." + +PATIENT--"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctor +for to cure me." + + +FRIEND--"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?" + +SURGEON--"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operation +unless I was sure it would be a success either way." + + +A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front of +his home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away for +three days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money. +The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, the +walk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a bad +job." + +O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure, +Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with gravel and dirt." + + +"You say this doctor has a large practice?" + +"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him he +tells him so." + + +_Why She Objected_ + +An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advised +an operation. But the mother bitterly objected. + +"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scriptures +is agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'ined +togither, let not man put asunder'?" + +REDD--"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight." + +GREENE--"And did he?" + +"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile." + + +SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure you +for the small sum of $2,000." + +PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?" + + +In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students an +eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correct +diagnosis of the maximum fee. + +"The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the established +specialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at the +residence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollars +for a telephone consultation." + +There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from +the back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke: + +"Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you on +the street?" + + +An insurance agent was filling out an application blank. + +"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked. + +"Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I have +never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional +curiosity." + + +"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confess +that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science." + +"Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a +mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all +the same." + + +_A Great Difference_ + +A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and +prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whom +he "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient was +leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said: + +"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard my +father, Colonel Blank, speak of you." + +"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?" + +"Certainly." + +"My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescription +in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you." + + +"Father, what is a convalescent?" + +"A patient who is still alive, son." + + +Young M.D.--"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give me +some rules for success?" + +"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very +plainly." + + +MOTHER (after visitor had gone)--"Bobby, what on earth made you stick +out your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..." + +BOBBY--"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man, +how do you feel?'--and I thort he was a doctor!" + + +An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation, +exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure," said +the man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut me +open again." And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had to +open me, too, to find one of their instruments." Just then the surgeon +who had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door and +yelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted. + + +Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order +to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's +misconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you +would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have +covered so many blunders of yours!" + + +DOCTOR (to patient)--"You've had a pretty close call. It's only your +strong constitution that pulled you through." + +PATIENT--"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill." + + +A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a rural +audience. + +"Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for over +twenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what does +that prove?" + +From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales." + + +_See also_ Bills; Remedies. + + + + +DOGS + + + _My Dog_ + + He wastes no time in idle talk. + His vows of friendship are unspoken. + As in familiar ways we walk, + Our musings by no word are broken. + Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase + (More light and garrulous am I), + He answers with a speaking gaze, + Half-sister to a song or sigh. + + Sweet is the silence of a friend + Whose mood so merges with my own, + And sad would be the journey's end + Were I to pass this way alone. + Perhaps the shadows and the dust + Some faint reply would frame for me + Should I demand if Time were just + To merge all waters with the sea. + + Thus pondering, a sigh I heave + That thoughts my naked soul should flay. + Yet dreams of death he bids me leave, + And glory in the living day. + Before me in the path he leaps. + He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come! + Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!" + And yet men say that he is dumb. + + --_Jack Burroughs_. + + +Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and +asked him what was the matter. + +"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbed +Frederick. + +"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and you +don't catch me crying." + +Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, looking +up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly: + +"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup." + + + _Dogs and their Friends._ + _(The Greeting)_ + + A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks, + A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved, + An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs + Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed! + Each satin nose will press its owner's hand, + Such happiness and frolic will abound + When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends + At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground! + + --_Marie Bordeaux_. + + + Dogs will be dogs. + They also serve who only watch at night and bark. + Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all. + A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs. + Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog. + For a dog, all roads lead home. + Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and + you hide alone. + Dogs should be trained but not hurt. + A buried bone is a joy forever. + Fidelity, thy name is Fido. + --_Edmund J. Kiefer_. + + + A friend may smile and bid you hail, + Yet wish you with the devil; + But when a good dog wags his tail, + You know he's on the level. + + + _The Seven Wonders of the World._ + (_According to Fido_) + + His master. + Meat. + Children. + Rags. + The moon. + Being tickled. + Fleas. + + +He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer to +his heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideous +death on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break the +news. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told him +simply: + +"Paddy has been run over and killed." + +He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five minutes +after he had gone to bed there echoed through the house a shrill and +sudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude and +pity. + +"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed." + +"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to be +troubled at all." + +"No; but--but I didn't know you said Paddy. I--I thought you said +daddy!" + + +PUP--"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a building right +where I buried a bone!"--_Puck_. + + +_See also_ Dachshunds. + + + + +DOMESTIC FINANCE + + +LITTLE TOMMY--"What does 'close quarters' mean, Ma?" + +WEARY MOTHER--"It's a definition of my trying to get twenty-five cents +from your father." + + +"Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?" + +"Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my son." + + +WIFE--"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the week." + +HUSBAND--"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that check last longer +than that!" + + +"Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New York on +business. It will only take a day or so and I hope you won't miss me +too much while I'm gone, but--" + +"I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm going +with you." + +"I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this time. What +would you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be too busy to be with +you, and--" + +"I have to go. I need clothes." + +"But, darling--you can get all the clothes you want right here on +Euclid Avenue." + +"Thank you. That's all I wanted." + + +"I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagance +this month." + +"Ready to give him an argument, eh?" + +"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, and +I've got 'em." + + +"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband. + +"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical who +saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love to +know just what you do call economy." + + +"But your fiance has such a small salary, how are you going to live?" + +"Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without such a lot of +things that Jack needs." + + +"Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective employer. + +"Yes, sir," said the applicant. + +"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more about +yourself." + +"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One night +after supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much we +owed our grocer." + +"Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad smile. "The +job is yours." + + +HE--"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must insist that we +try to live within our income." + +SHE--"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric by +everybody in our set." + + +"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from their +honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settle +down to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of +the society?" + +"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "I +will be content with a subordinate position." + +"What position is that, my dear?" + +"Treasurer." + + +SHE--"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Before +our marriage you always called a taxi." + +HE--"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in the street-car +now." + + +"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way." + +"So does mine--so far that none of it ever comes back." + + +"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife." + +"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her." + + +WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house this +winter." + +MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflier +only yesterday." + +WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only this +morning."--_Puck_. + + +In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was to +contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. The +night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll +were the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooed +hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper +subscriptions, and so on. + +The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row. + +"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn your +dollar?" + +"I got it from my husband," she answered. + +"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that." + +The woman smiled faintly. + +"You don't know my husband," she said. + + +"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every +week," said she. + +"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send around two +tons of coal and a rib-roast." + + +LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower." + +PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor." + +LANDLADY--"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to +pay his board he always turns his back to me." + + +"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for +cigars." + +"How does it work?" + +"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I +buy him the cigars." + + + + +DOMESTIC RELATIONS + + +HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke, +it would spoil the curtains?" + +WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the +world; certainly it would." + +HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down." + + +Willie's grandmother had come to visit them. + +"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation. + +"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side." + +"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow), +"all I got to say is you're on the wrong side." + + +SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people +are married." + +HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband +and people are divorced." + + +Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid. + +"Any damage done your way?" the first asked. + +"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blown +clean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the first time they've +been seen to leave the house together in seventeen years." + + +_See also_ Families; Marriage. + + + + +DREAMS + + +"Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a little +boy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal. + +"Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't the +slightest idea what your dream was about." + +"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "You +were in it." + + + + +DRINKING + + + If all be true that I do think, + There are five reasons we should drink; + Good wine--a friend--or being dry-- + Or lest we should be by and by-- + Or any other reason why. + + --_Dr. Henry Aldrich_. + + +Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would brighten it up +considerably. + + +_Dangerous Advice_ + +CURATE--"You should be careful! Don't you know that drink is mankind's +worst enemy?" + +JEEMS--"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our enemies?" + + +"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failed +recently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor. + +"Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions in Scotland +are very bad." + +"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This story +illustrates Scottish conditions very well. + +"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it was +rainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two of +whisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then in +her dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. She +stooped over the child's cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kiss +the little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said: + +"'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven't +you?'"--_Detroit Free Press_. + + +"Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliver +this speech." + +"Yassuh." + +"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take a +drink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with my +handkerchief, you laugh." + +"You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to make +me laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' a drink o' +water." + + +A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, desiring +to test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed the +bottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger. + +"Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest." + +John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time. +He approached his employer's desk somewhat cautiously and gingerly +deposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage. + +"Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?" + +"It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf de +most; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest." + + +UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me, +'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about,' +he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed up +inside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I says, 'let it be.' An there it is to +this day." + +GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN--"Bless my soul! Don't it trouble you?" + +UNABLE SEAMAN--"I don't feel no particular pain from it, but I do get +most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir." + + +_See also_ Drunkards; Temperance. + + + + +DRUNKARDS + + +The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, +Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door. + +"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr. +Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms. +Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist." + + +An intoxicated man hailed a cab. + +After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What street +do you want?" + +"What streets have you?" he inquired. + +"Lots of 'em," smiled the cabby, humoring him. + +"Gimme 'em all," he said, waving his arm grandly. + +After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cab +ordered a stop. + +"How mush do I owe you?" + +"Seven dollars and fifty cents." + +"Well--you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' shents, 'cause +thashall I got." + + +WIFEY--"I heard a noise when you came in last night." + +HUBBY--"Perhaps it was the night falling." + +WIFEY (coldly)--"No, it wasn't, it was the day breaking." + + + + +DUTCH + + +BIX--"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases for +German cannon have been found there." + +DIX--"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography says +it is a low, lying country." + + + + +DYSPEPSIA + + +_Joy of Eating_ + +A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush and +milk. + +"What's the matter?" inquired a friend. + +"Got dyspepsia." + +"Don't you enjoy your meals?" + +"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are +merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after." + + +"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, "but--" + +"No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative that +everybody else wants to kill them." + + + + +EATING + + + _If We Didn't Have To Eat_ + + Life would be an easy matter + If we didn't have to eat. + If we never had to utter, + "Won't you pass the bread and butter, + Likewise push along that platter + Full of meat?" + Yes, if food were obsolete + Life would be a jolly treat, + If we didn't--shine or shower, + Old or young, 'bout every hour-- + Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- + 'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to eat. + We could save a lot of money + If we didn't have to eat. + Could we cease our busy buying, + Baking, broiling, brewing, frying, + Life would then be oh, so sunny + And complete; + And we wouldn't fear to greet + Every grocer in the street + If we didn't--man and woman, + Every hungry, helpless human-- + Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- + We'd save money if we didn't have to eat. + + All our worry would be over + If we didn't have to eat. + Would the butcher, baker, grocer + Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir! + We would then be right in clover + Cool and sweet. + Want and hunger we could cheat, + And we'd get there with both feet, + If we didn't--poor or wealthy, + Halt or nimble, sick or healthy-- + Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- + We could get there if we didn't have to eat. + + --_Nixon Waterman_. + + + + +ECONOMY + + +TOM--"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her at +the ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy a +five-cent elevated ticket." + +ALICE--"Did that make you want to marry her?" + +TOM--"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my income at that +rate." + + +BOOK AGENT--"This book will teach you the way to economize." + +THE VICTIM--"That's no good to me. What I need is a book to teach me +how to live without economizing." + + + How oft economy grows gay + And boasts of its efficient work, + When it has merely stopped the pay + Of some two-thousand-dollar clerk! + + +Little June's father had just returned from the store and was opening +up some sheets of sticky fly-paper and placing it about the room. June +watched a minute and then burst out with: + +"Oh, papa, down at the corner grocery you can get the paper with the +flies already caught. They have lots of it in the window." + + +"Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a hundred +dollars in the bank this month." + +"Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?" + +"No; I simply tore up all the bills."--_Life_. + + +_See also_ Domestic finance; Thrift. + + + + +EDITORS + + +"An editor is a man who puts things in the paper, isn't he?" + +"Oh, no, my son; an editor keeps things out of the paper." + + +The editor of the newspaper in a certain small southern town was given +an article to print, praising in very elegant language the life and +works of a certain southern colonel. + +The colonel and the editor were not the best of friends. + +The article came out, but in spelling "scarred," in that very +important phrase "battle scarred veteran," one "r" was omitted. + +The colonel threatened violence but the editor promised to admit his +error in the next issue. + +In the following issue, in large type, appeared: "The editor of this +paper regrets very much an error in spelling in our last issue. In +describing our most worthy colonel, instead of 'battle scared veteran' +it should read, 'bottle scarred veteran.'" + +That day the editor ceased to edit. His wife was a widow. + + +A country editor wrote: "Brother, don't stop your paper just because +you don't agree with the editor. The last cabbage you sent us didn't +agree with us either, but we didn't drop you from our subscription +list on that account." + + +The girl reporter accepted the editor's invitation to dinner and when +asked how she enjoyed it, said: + +"Oh, fine, but I'll never go to dinner with an editor again." + +"Why not?" + +"Well, the dinner was fine, but he blue-penciled about three-quarters +of my order." + + +You may know the trade classic about the exchange editor. The new +owner of the newspaper asked who that man was in the corner. "The +exchange editor," he was informed. "Well, fire him," said he. "All he +seems to do is sit there and read all day." + + +A little boy was given the stunt by his father to write an essay on +editors and here is the result: + +"If an editor makes a mistake folks say he ought to be hung; but if +a doctor makes a mistake he buries it and people dassent say nothing +because doctors can read and write Latin. When the editor makes a +mistake there is lawsuits and a big fuss; but if a doctor makes one +there is a funeral, cut flowers and perfek silence. A doctor can use +a word a yard long without anyone knowing what it means; but if the +editor uses one he has to spell it. If the doctor goes to see another +man's wife he charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets a +charge of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of being +overcome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; when an +editor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if he dies it's +the jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an editor has to be +born." + + +Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, and at +the same time be religious, funny, scientific and historical at will, +write to please everybody, know everything, without asking or being +told, always having something good to say of everything and everybody +else, live on wind and make more money than enemies. For such a man, a +good opening will be made in the "graveyard." He is too good to live. + + +Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. "You look +so funny when you think," observed the blandishing Miss Harriette +Underbill as she passed the given point known as our desk late +yesterday afternoon. + + +COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)--"I shall expect you to write all +the editorials, do the religious and sporting departments and turn out +a joke column." + +ASSISTANT--"What are you going to do?" + +"Edit your copy." + + + + +EDUCATION + + +Education--the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught. + + +WILLIE (doing his homework)--"What is the distance to the nearest +star, Auntie?" + +"I'm sure I don't know, Willie." + +"Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm getting +punished for your ignorance." + + +Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling a dispute +between two blockaders. The one in whose favor the verdict was cast +was filled with admiration for the facility with which Henry made out +the papers. + +"You are one of those 'read' men, ain't you Henry?" + +"Yes, I kin read right smart," modestly admitted Henry. + +"You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry nodded his +head. + +"I reckon you been through algebra!" + +"Yes, I have," said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't see +nothing." + + +EMPLOYER--"For this job you've got to know French and Spanish, and the +pay is eighteen dollars a week." + +"Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in the +yards." + +"See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at forty."--_Life_. + + +When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin College, a man brought +for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course +than the regular one. + +"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. "He wants to +get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?" + +"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; it all +depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an +oak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make a +squash." + + +Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post will now be +able to enlighten her husband on a troublesome subject. + +"Doctor," she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell me how it +is that some folks be born dumb?" + +"Why--hem!--why, certainly, ma'am," replied the doctor. "It is because +they come into the world without power of speech." + +"Dear me," remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have a physical +edication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my old man a hundred +times that there same question, and all he would ever say was, 'Cause +they be.'" + + +PROFESSOR--"So, sir, you said that I was a learned jackass, did you?" + +FRESHIE--"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a burro of +information." + + + + +EFFICIENCY + + +After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed to get a +"maid" of sorts. + +"Now, Thurza," said she, "be careful about the water. We only use the +well water for drinking, as we have to pay a man to pump it. The rain +water is good enough for washing up and so on." + +After tea Mrs. Timson asked: + +"Did you remember about the water, Thurza?" + +"Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full of water +from the butt and the other half with water from the well. I thought +the bottom half might as well be getting hot at the same time for +washing up after tea." + + +An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the West in +the early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. The old +gentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of his wagon-wheels +in going down a declivity. This precaution appealed to the young +fellow's idea of "safety first." He duly reported the occurrence to +his father, and begged him to get a, lock-chain. + +"My son," said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out with a team +that can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to hell." + + +SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)--"I have here a most +marvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one small volume. It +will save you fully 50 per cent of your time, and so--" + +BUSINESS MAN (interrupting irritably)--"I already have a system by +which I can save 100 per cent of my time and yours. I'll demonstrate +it now--Good-day!" + + + The hours I spend at work, dear heart + Are as arithmetic to me; + I count my motions every one apart-- + Efficiency. + + Each hour a task, each task a test, + Until my heart with doubt is wrung; + I conservate my darndest, but at best + The boss is stung. + + O theories that twist and turn! + O frantic gain and laggard loss! + I'll standardize and stint at last to learn + + To please the boss + By gum! + To please the boss. + + +"But," he adds, "as in everything else, there are exceptions. There +was Boggins, for instance. Boggins was a great efficiency man in the +office, but even more so at home. Why, every time Boggins Junior was +naughty his father laid him on the floor and spread a rug over him, +so that the beating would kill two birds with one stone, as you might +say." + + +A worm won't turn if you step on it right. + + +Efficiency is an admirable quality, but it can be overdone, according +to Representative M. Clyde Kelly, of Pennsylvania. + +"Last election day," Mr. Kelly explains, "the city editor of my +newspaper in Braddock sent his best reporter out to learn if the +saloons were open in defiance of the law. Four days later he returned +and reported, 'They were.'" + + +"Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly, +and so well." + +"I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to de +fuse ob yenergy--and jes natchurally explodes, I does." + + +"Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in the +past," said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his overseer. +"Just report the condition of the track as ye find it, and don't put +in a lot of needless words that ain't to the point. Write a business +letter, not a love-letter." + +A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the overseer +wrote his report to the manager in one line: "Sir--Where the railway +was the river is.--Yours faithfully,----." + + +In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it was +necessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his staff were +ordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendent +of the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered the +old master bridge-builder. + +"Bill," said the superintendent--and the words quivered with +energy--"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the company +money. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?" + +"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer has +the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains is +passin' over it."--_Harper's_. + + +"Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can show you how +to earn more money than you are getting." + +"I do that now." + + +The boy was very small and the load he was pushing in the wheelbarrow +was very, very big. + +A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent him a +helping hand. + +"Really, my boy," he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to get that +barrow up the gutters alone." + +"I don't," replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some jay +a-standin' round as takes it up for me."--_Puck_. + + +MRS. CASEY--"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent +her was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up, with care' on +it!" + +CASEY--"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top, Oi +printed it on the bottom, as well." + + +COW--"Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now that +they file me in the barn under the letter C." + +HEN--"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put a +rubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead." + + + + +EGOTISM + + +SMITH--"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man plays. His +drives were corking, his approaches superb and he never missed a +putt." + +JONES--"How much were you beaten by?" + +SMITH--"Why, I won!" + + + _"I" and "Myself" and "Me"_ + + When on myself I sometimes turn + My gaze, with introspection stern, + Three persons there I seem to see, + "I" and "Myself," they are, and "Me." + + "I" stands alone with confidence, + Pugnacious, quick to take offense, + Assertive, masterful and strong, + Forever right and _never_ wrong, + As Lewis Carroll once avowed, + "I" is extremely "stiff and proud." + + "Myself" is rather different, + A chap who is less confident, + Yet full conceited--selfish, too, + And steeped in ego, through and through. + Though others oft "Myself" decry, + He's very, very dear to "I." + + Unlike the other two is "Me"; + A timid little fellow, he; + Self-conscious, given oft to erring, + My scorn and pity both incurring. + Still, though he's shy as he can be, + While few like "I," a lot like "Me." + + --_Eliot Harlow Robinson_. + + +Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the truth is +that he is only anxious that others be pleased with what he does. + + + _I And Me_ + + I wonder just what kind of guy + Am I? + I guess it's time I took + A look inside of me + To see-- + But, gee, + I cuss + I'm envious of what the other fellow's got, + I loaf a lot, + And foolish pleasures often buy-- + That is the kind of sham + I am. + When things go wrong + I growl along + And take it out + On some good scout + Who's not to blame, + Whatever came-- + In fact + The luck I lacked + (Or luck I had, + If mine was bad) + Was mostly my + Own fault. Why. + I + Am not a very pleasant guy, + The poorest on the human shelf-- + And, now that I + Size up myself, + Whatever other folks may see, + I do not make a hit with Me. + + --_Douglas Malloch_. + + + + +EINSTEIN + + +"Max has sent me an interesting book, 'Relativity,' by Einstein. Have +you read it?" + +"No. I am waiting for it to be filmed." + + + + +EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS + + +The wife of a Dorchester man who had the traditional failing--he +forgot to mail letters--has cured him. The mail is delivered at their +home before the breakfast hour--which is comparatively late. One +morning she said to her husband: + +"Did you have any mail this morning, dear?" + +"Only a circular," he answered as he bit into a fine brown slice of +toast. + +"Huh," said the wife. "By the way, did you mail the letters I gave you +yesterday?" + +"Sure I did," was the righteously indignant reply. + +"Well," answered wifie, with an eloquent smile, "it's funny, then, you +had no letters this morning, because one of those I gave you to mail +was addressed to you--just as a sort of key." + + +Callers were at the door and Bobbie was told to show them into the +parlor. He did so, and while his mother was fixing herself up, he +sat there rather embarrassed. Presently, seeing the visitors glancing +around the room, he said: + +"Well, what do you think of our stuff, anyway?" + + +KIND FRIEND (to composer who has just played his newly written _revue_ +masterpiece)--"Yes, I've always liked that little thing. Now play one +of your own, won't you?" + + +Evelyn is very cowardly, and her father decided to have a serious talk +with his little daughter. + +"Father," she said at the close of his lecture, "when you see a cow, +ain't you 'fraid?" + +"No, certainly not, Evelyn." + +"When you see a bumblebee, ain't you 'fraid?" + +"No!" with scorn. + +"Ain't you 'fraid when it thunders?" + +"No," with laughter. "Oh, you silly, silly child!" + +"Papa," said Evelyn, solemnly, "ain't you 'fraid of nothing in the +world but mama?" + + +Afraid to breathe, almost, the returned reveller crept quietly into +his bedchamber as the gray dawn was breaking. Sitting on the edge of +the bed, he cautiously undid his boots. But, with all his care, his +wife stirred in bed, and he presently was all too well aware of a pair +of sleepy eyes regarding him over the edge of the sheet. + +"Why, Tom," yawned the little woman, "how early you are this morning!" + +"Yes, my dear," replied Tom, stifling a groan, "I've got to go to +Montreal for the firm today." + +And replacing his footgear the wretched man dragged his aching limbs +out again into the cold and heartless streets. + + +A philanthropic New York woman was entertaining, in the spacious +grounds of her suburban residence, a large number of East-Side +children. On her rounds of hospitality she was impressed with one +strikingly beautiful little girl. She could not have been more than +nine years old, but her coal-black eyes flashed with intelligence. The +hostess introduced herself and began a conversation. + +"Does what you see here today please you?" she asked. The child eyed +her host in silence. + +"Talk away," said the lady. "Don't be afraid." + +"Tell me," then said the child, "how many children have you got?" + +Astonished at the question, the lady hesitated for a moment, and then +entered into the fun of the situation. + +"Ten," she replied. + +"Dear me," answered the child, "that is a very large family, I hope +you are careful and look after them. Do you keep them all clean?" + +"Well, I do my best." + +"And is your husband at work?" + +"My husband does not do any kind of work. He never has." + +"That is very dreadful," replied the little girl earnestly, "but I +hope you keep out of debt." + +The game had gone too far for Lady Bountiful's enjoyment of it. + +"You are a very rude and impertinent child," she burst out, "to speak +like that, and to me." + +The child became apologetic. "I'm sure I didn't mean to be, ma'am," +she explained. "But mother told me before I came that I was to be +sure to speak to you like a lady, and when any ladies call on us, they +always ask us those questions." + + +A gentleman who had married his cook was giving a dinner party and +between the courses the good lady sat with her hands spread on the +tablecloth. + +Suddenly the burr of conversation ceased and in the silence that +followed a young man on the right of his hostess said, pleasantly: + +"Awful pause!" + +"Yes, they may be," said the old-time cook, with heightened color; +"and yours would be like them if you had done half my work." + + +His relatives telephoned to the nearest florist's. The ribbon must be +extra wide, with "Rest in Peace" on both sides, and if there was room, +"We Shall Meet in Heaven." + +The florist was away and his new assistant handled the job. There was +a sensation when the flowers turned up at the funeral. The ribbon was +extra wide, indeed, and on it was the inscription: + +"Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet in +heaven." + + +_See also_ Bluffing. + + + + +EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES + + + _An Employer's Dream_ + + An Employee, + Dynamic, but not variable. + Tall--of excellent personality. + Aggressive--but tactful. + Sales type--but with a liking for detail. + Vision--looking ahead and discounting the future. + Loyal--always having the interest of his employer at heart. + Creative--but appreciating values--initiative balanced with + caution, + forseeing his employer's wishes and ideas. + Serious thinker--sunny disposition, looking ahead but mastering + first the work on hand. + Interested in his salary--only as incidental--willing to leave + that to the discretion of those above him. + Character--excellent, not a clock watcher--interested only in + results, working night and day if necessary to secure his success. + Honest--clear thinking--hard-working--looking ahead + fearlessly--with + his eyes on the future, putting everything else second to his + work--with supreme, sound confidence in his own ability-- + Ah! Shucks--It's Impossible. + + +EMPLOYER (to clerk)--"If that bore, Smithers, comes in, tell him I'm +out--and don't be working or he'll know you're lying." + + +_The Ten Commandments_ (_By A Wise Employer_) + +First--Don't lie. It wastes my time and yours. I am sure to catch you +in the end, and that will be the wrong end. + +Second--Watch your work, not the clock. A long day's work makes a long +day short, and a short day's work makes my face long. + +Third--Give me more than I expect, and I will give you more than you +expect. I can afford to increase your pay if you increase my profits. + +Fourth--You owe so much to yourself you cannot afford to owe anybody +else. Keep out of debt. + +Fifth--Dishonesty is never an accident. Good men, like good women, +never see temptation when they meet it. + +Sixth--Mind your own business, and in time you'll have a business of +your own to mind. + +Seventh--Don't do anything here which hurts your self-respect. An +employee who is willing to steal for me is willing to steal from me. + +Eighth--It is none of my business what you do at night. But if +dissipation affects what you do the next day, and you do half as much +as I demand, you'll last half as long as you hoped. + +Ninth--Don't tell me what I'll like to hear, but what I ought to hear. +I don't want a valet for my pride, but one for my purse. + +Tenth--Don't kick if I kick. If you're worth while correcting, you're +worth while keeping. I don't waste time cutting specks out of rotten +apples. + +--_The Rotarian_. + + +One of the bosses at Baldwin's Locomotive Works had to lay off an +argumentative Irishman named Pat, so he saved discussion by putting +the discharge in writing. The next day Pat was missing, but a week +later the boss was passing through the shop and he saw him again at +his lathe. Then, the following colloquy occurred: + +"Didn't you get my letter?" + +"Yis, sur, Oi did," said Pat. + +"Did you read it?" + +"Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside," said Pat, +"and on the inside yez said I was fired and on the outside yez said: +'Return to Baldwin Locomotive Works in five days.'" + + +"Well, George," said the president of the company to old George, "how +goes it?" + +"Fair to middlin', sir," George answered. And he continued to +currycomb a bay horse. + +"Me an' this here boss," George said, suddenly, "has worked for your +firm sixteen year." + +"Well, well," said the president, thinking a little guiltily of +George's salary. "And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued, +George, eh?" + +"H'm," said George, "the both of us was took sick last week, and they +got a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my pay." + + +A plumber and a painter were working in the same house. The painter +arrived late and the plumber said to him, "You're late this morning." + +"Yes," said the painter, "I had to stop and have my hair cut." + +"You didn't do it on your employer's time, did you?" said the plumber. + +"Sure, I did," said the painter; "It grew on his time." + + +POSSIBLE EMPLOYER--"H'm! so you want a job, eh? Do you ever tell +lies?" + +APPLICANT--"No, sir, but I kin learn." + + +A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at the gas works, +but his name was not known to all the employees. One day while on +his rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, smoking, and +stopped near them. + +"Who are you?" said one of the men. + +"I'm Dodgin, the new foreman," he replied. + +"So are we," replied the other workers, "sit down and have a smoke." + + + + +ENEMIES + + +Speak well of your enemies. Remember you made them. + + + The fine and noble way to kill a foe + Is not to kill him; you with kindness may + So change him, that he shall cease to be so; + Then he's slain. + + --_Aleyn_. + + + + +ENGLISH LANGUAGE + + +By way of enlarging the children's vocabulary, our village +school-teacher is in the habit of giving them a certain word and +asking them to form a sentence in which that word occurs. The other +day she gave the class the word "notwithstanding." There was a pause, +and then a bright-faced youngster held up his hand. + +"Well, what is your sentence, Tommy?" asked the teacher. + +"Father wore his trousers out, but notwithstanding." + + +TILDA--"Pass the 'lasses." + +LIZZIE (who has attended school)--"Don't say ''lasses.' Say molasses." + +TILDA--"How come I say mo' 'lasses when I ain't had none yet?" + + + _Jailless Crimes_ + + Killing time. + Hanging pictures. + Stealing bases. + Shooting the chutes. + Choking off a speaker. + Running over a new song. + Smothering a laugh. + Setting fire to a heart. + Knifing a performance. + Murdering the English language.--_Judge_. + + +"Now, boys," said the schoolmaster, "I want you to bear in mind that +the word 'stan' at the end of a word means 'the place of.' Thus we +have Afghanistan--the place of the Afghans; also Hindustan--the place +of the Hindus. Can any one give me another example?" + +Nobody appeared very anxious to do so, until little Johnny Snaggs, the +joy of his mother and the terror of the cats, said proudly-- + +"Yes, sir, I can. Umbrellastan--the place for umbrellas." + + +He went into a shop to buy a comb. He was a man careful of other +people's grammar, and believed himself to be careful of his own. + +"Do you want a narrow man's comb?" asked the assistant. + +"No," answered the careful grammarian, "I want a comb for a stout man +with tortoiseshell teeth." + + +TEACHER--"Thomas, will you tell me what a conjunction is, and compose +a sentence containing one?" + +THOMAS (after reflection)--"A conjunction is a word connecting +anything, such as 'The horse is hitched to the fence by his halter.' +'Halter' is a conjunction, because it connects the horse and the +fence." + + +A young man poured out a long story of adventure to a Boston girl. +Surprised, she asked: + +"Did you really do that?" + +"I done it," answered the proud young man. He began another narrative, +more startling than the first. + +When she again expressed her surprise, he said, with inflated chest, +"I done it." + +"Do you know," remarked the girl, "you remind me strongly of Banquo's +Ghost?" + +"Why?" + +"Don't you remember that Macbeth said to him, 'Thou canst not say, "I +did it"'?" and the young man wondered why everybody laughed. + + +An English professor, traveling through the hills, noted various +quaint expressions. For instance, after a long ride the professor +sought provisions at a mountain hut. + +"What d' yo'-all want?" called out a woman. + +"Madam," said the professor, "can we get corn bread here? We'd like to +buy some of you." + +"Corn bread? Corn bread, did yo' say?" Then she chuckled to herself, +and her manner grew amiable. "Why, if corn bread's all yo' want, come +right in, for that's just what I hain't got nothing else on hand but." + + +Charles B. Towns, the antidrug champion, spent some time in China +several years ago with Samuel Merwin, the writer. In a Hongkong +shop-window they noticed some Chinese house-coats of particularly +striking designs and stepped in to purchase one. Mr. Towns asked Mr. +Merwin to do the bargaining. + +"Wantum coatee," said Mr. Merwin to the sleepy-eyed Oriental who +shuffled up with a grunt. He placed several of the coats before them. + +"How muchee Melican monee?" inquired Mr. Merwin. + +"It would aid me in transacting this sale," said the Chinaman, "if you +would confine your language to your mother tongue. The coat is seven +dollars." + +Mr. Merwin took it. + + +Grace's uncle met her on the street one spring day and asked her +whether she was going out with a picnic party from her school. + +"No," replied his eight-year-old niece, "I ain't going." + +"My dear," said the uncle, "you must not say, 'I ain't going.' You +must say, 'I am not going.'" And he proceeded to give her a little +lesson in grammar: "'You are not going. He is not going. We are not +going. You are not going. They are not going.' Now, can you say all +that?" + +"Sure I can," responded Grace quite heartily. "There ain't nobody +going."--_Harper's_. + + +"What is the plural of man, Willie?" asked the teacher of a small +pupil. + +"Men," answered Willie. + +"And, the plural of child?" + +"Twins," was the unexpected reply. + + +A colored woman one day visited the court-house in a Tennessee town +and said to the judge: + +"Is you-all the reperbate judge?" + +"I am the judge of probate, mammy." + +"I'se come to you-all 'cause I'se in trubble. Mah man--he's done +died detested and I'se got t'ree little infidels so I'se cum to be +appointed der execootioner." + + + + +ENGLISHMEN + + +At a dinner in New York an Englishman heard for the first time and, +probably after due explanation, was much amused by that "toasted" +chestnut: + +"Here's to the happiest hours of my life, + +"Spent in the arms of another man's wife: + +"My mother." + +Shortly after his return to England he was present at a banquet, +and thought he would get off the New York toast he had considered so +clever. At the proper time he rose and said: + +"Here's to the happiest hours of my life, + +"Spent in the arms of another man's wife: + +"Spent in the arms of another man's wife-- + +"Another man's wife. Excuse me, I really cawn't recall the lady's +name, but it doesn't matter." + + + + +ENTHUSIASM + + +A Soldier of color, recently "over there," had proposed to, and been +accepted by his dusky sweetheart. During the marriage ceremony he +showed such signs of nervousness that the minister, noticing it, +whispered to him, in a voice which could have been heard half a mile: + +"What's de mattah wif you Rastus, is yo dun los' yo' ring or sumpin?" + +"N-no sah, Mr. Preacher," answered the ex-hero, "but I sho nuff dun +los' mah 'thusiasm." + + +If a man lacks enthusiasm it takes him twice as long to accomplish a +task. + + +A man who allows himself to be carried away with enthusiasm often has +to walk back. + + + + +EPIGRAMS + + +An epigram is a twinkle in the eye of Truth. + + +Many a woman is blamed for making a fool of a man when he is really +self-made. + + +Some men are like rusty needles; the best way to clean and brighten +them is with work. + + +When one reaches the end of his rope, he should tie a knot in it and +hang on. + + + + + +EPITAPHS + + + _A Tired Woman's Epitaph_ + _(Before 1850)_ + + Here lies a poor woman, + Who always was tired; + She lived in a house, + Where help was not hired; + Her last words on earth were, + "Dear friends I am going; + Where washing ain't done, + Nor sweeping nor sewing; + But everything there is exact to my wishes, + For where they don't eat, + There's no washing of dishes; + I'll be where loud anthems will always be ringing; + But having no voice, I'll be clear of the singing; + Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never, + I'm going to do nothing, forever and ever." + + +Mrs. Whann, the weeping widow of a well-known man, requested that the +words "My sorrow is greater than I can bear" be placed upon the marble +slab of her dear departed. + +A few months later the lady returned and asked how much it would cost +her to have the inscription effaced and another substituted. + +"No need of that, marm," replied the man, soothingly; "you see, I left +jes' enough room to add 'alone.'" + + +THE TOMBSTONE MAN (after several abortive suggestions)--"How would +simply, 'Gone Home' do?" + +MRS. NEWWEEDS--"I guess that would be all right. It was always the +last place he ever thought of going."--_Puck_. + + + Here lies my wife: here let her lie! + Now she's at rest, and so am I. + + --_John Dryden_. + + +"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" asked +Mr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain of +industry. + +"No, what was it?" inquired his neighbor curiously. + +"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph." + +"What was the epitaph?" + +"He did his best." + + + + +EQUALITY + + +In a mood for companionship with none at hand, a New Yorker was making +her way through a quiet down town cross street to an East Side subway. +As she approached a team of horses standing by the curb, the nearer +of the pair looked her straight in the eye man-to-man like. No driver +being in sight she took from her pocket some lumps of sugar (reserved +as a tip for the ice-horse) and fed and fondled and talked foolishly +to her friend of the curb. Looking up before turning to the second +horse, she was confused and startled to find a brisk young driver, +reins in hand, looking ready to tear up the pavements in a mad rush +to Jersey or somewhere. She hurried off to escape his wrath at being +delayed. The angry words flung after her were: "The other one ain't no +stepchild." + +And the horses galloped off equally sugared. + + + + +ETIQUET + + +"Frances," said the little girl's mamma, who was entertaining callers +in the parlor, "you came downstairs so noisily that you could be heard +all over the house. Now go back and come down stairs like a lady." + +Frances retired and after a few moments re-entered the parlor. + +"Did you hear me come downstairs this time, mamma?" + +"No dear; I am glad you came down quietly. Now, don't ever let me have +to tell you again not to come down noisily. Now tell these ladies how +you managed to come down like a lady the second time, when the first +time you made so much noise." + +"The last time I slid down the banisters," explained Frances. + + + Hearts, like doors, can ope with ease + To very, very little keys, + And don't forget that they are these + "I thank you, Sir"; and, "If you please." + + +_Unseen, Unheard_ + +TEACHER--"What does a well-bred child do when a visitor calls to see +her mother?" + +CHILD--"Me--I go play in the street." + + +HOSTESS (at party)--"Does your mother allow you to have two pieces of +pie when you are at home, Willie?" + +WILLIE (who has asked for a second piece)--"No, ma'am." + +"Well, do you think she'd like you to have two pieces here?" + +"Oh," confidentially, "she wouldn't care. This isn't her pie!" + + +"I can't understand this code of ethics." + +"What code is that?" + +"The one which makes it all right to take a man's last dollar, but a +breach of etiquette to take his last cigaret." + + +Tom Johnson claims that the oldest joke is the one about the Irish +soldier who saw a shell coming and made a low bow. The shell missed +him and took off the head of the man behind him. "Sure," said Pat, "ye +never knew a man to lose anything by being polite." + + + + +EUROPEAN WAR + + +War is evidently a losing game when it takes a country forty-two years +to pay for what she destroyed in a little more than four. + + +A dusky doughboy, burdened under tons of medals and miles and miles of +ribbons, service and wound chevrons, stars et al., encountered a +27th Division scrapper in Le Mans a few days prior to the division's +departure for the States. + +"Whar yo' all ben scrappin' in dis yar war, boss?" meekly inquired the +colored soldier. + +"Why, we've been fighting up in Belgium and Flanders with the +British," replied the New Yorker, proudly. + +"Well, we ben down in dem woods--watcha call 'em woods 'way down +south." + +"The Argonne?" suggested young Knickerbocker. + +"Yas, yas, dem's de woods--d'Argonne." + +"You know our division was the first to break the Hindenburg line, +colored boy," explained the 27th man. + +"Was it you wot did dat trick? Y' know boss, we felt dat ol' line sag +'way down in d'Argonne." + + +WILLIS--"Did the war do anything for you?" + +GILLIS--"Sure did. It taught me to save peach-stones, tin-foil, +newspapers and all kinds of junk. In fact, I can now save anything +except money." + + +Just before the St. Mihiel show the Germans blew up an ammunition +dump near a company of Yanks. It was reported that there was a large +quantity of gas shells in the dump, and as soon as the explosions +began the Americans immediately made themselves scarce with great +rapidity. + +When the danger had passed all started drifting back with the +exception of one man who did not appear till the next day. + +"Well, where you been?" demanded the top kick, eyeing him coldly. + +"Sergeant," replied the other earnestly, "I don't know where I been, +but I give you my word I been all day gettin' back." + + +"Who won the war?" asked the bright young goof behind the +soda-counter. + +"Huh," ejaculated the ex-sergeant gruffly as he dug up the war-tax, "I +think we bought it." + + +A librarian confides to us that she was visited by a young lady who +wished to see a large map of France. She was writing a paper on the +battle-fields of France for a culture club, and she just couldn't find +Flanders Fields and No Man's Land on any of the maps in her books. + + +The trouble with the peace table is that the Allies want it _a la +carte_, and Wilson wants it American plan--_table d'hote_. + + +_See also_ Exaggeration; Heroes; Soldiers; War. + + + + +EUROPEAN WAR--POEMS + + + _Gifts of the Dead_ + + Ye who in Sorrow's tents abide, + Mourning your dead with hidden tears, + Bethink ye what a wealth of pride + They've won you for the coming years. + + Grievous the pain; but, in the day + When all the cost is counted o'er, + Would it be best that ye should say: + "We lost no loved ones in the war?" + + Who knows? But proud then shall ye stand + That best, most honored boast to make: + "My lover died for his dear land," + Or, "My son fell for England's sake." + + Christlike they died that we might live; + And our redeemed lives would we bring, + With aught that gratitude may give + To serve you in your sorrowing. + + And never a pathway shall ye tread, + No foot of seashore, hill, or lea, + But ye may think: "The dead, my dead, + Gave this, a sacred gift, to me." + + --_Habberton Lulhaut_. + + + The war is like the Judgment Day-- + All sham, all pretext torn away; + And swift the searching hours reveal + Hearts good as gold, souls true as steel. + Blest saints and martyrs in disguise, + Concealed ere-while from holden eyes. + + And now we feel that all around + Have angels walked the well-known ground; + Not winged and strange beyond our ken, + But in the form of common men. + God's messengers from Heaven's own sphere-- + Unrecognized because so near. + + --_Ella Fuller Maitland_. + + + _For Thee They Died_ + + For thee their pilgrim swords were tried, + Thy flaming word was in their scrips, + They battled, they endured, they died + To make a new Apocalypse. + Master and Maker, God of Right, + The soldier dead are at thy gate, + Who kept the spears of honor bright + And freedom's house inviolate. + + --_John Drinkwater_. + + + _After-Days_. + + When the last gun has long withheld + Its thunder, and its mouth is sealed, + Strong men shall drive the furrow straight + On some remembered battle-field. + + Untroubled they shall hear the loud. + And gusty driving of the rains, + And birds with immemorial voice + Sing as of old in leafy lanes. + + The stricken, tainted soil shall be + Again a flowery paradise-- + Pure with the memory of the dead + And purer for their sacrifice. + + --_Eric Chilman_. + + + + +EVIDENCE + + +An attorney was defending a man charged by his wife with desertion. +For a time it looked as tho it were a cinch for the prosecution, but +at the psychological moment the attorney called the defendant to the +stand. "Take off that bandage," he cried, and the man did it, exposing +a black eye. "Your honor," said the attorney, "our defense is that +this man is not a deserter. He's a refugee." + + +The London police-sergeant raised his eyes from the blotter as two +policemen propelled the resisting victim before him. + +"A German spy, sir!" gasped the first bobby. + +"I'm an American, and can prove it," denied the victim. + +"That's what he says, but here's the evidence," interrupted the second +bobby, triumphantly producing a bulky hotel-register from beneath his +arm, and pointing to an entry. + +"V. Gates," written in a flowing hand, was the record that met the +astonished sergeant's gaze. + + +It happened in the court-room during the trial of a husky young man +who was charged with assault and battery. Throughout an especially +severe cross-examination the defendant stoutly maintained that he had +merely pushed the plaintiff "a little bit." + +"Well, about how hard?" queried the prosecutor. + +"Oh, just a little bit," responded the defendant. + +"Now," said the attorney, "for the benefit of the judge and the +jury, you will please step down here and, with me for the subject, +illustrate just how hard you mean." + +Owing to the unmerciful badgering which the witness had just been +through, the prosecutor thought that the young man would perhaps +overdo the matter to get back at him, and thus incriminate himself. + +The defendant descended as per schedule, and approached the waiting +attorney. When he reached him the spectators were astonished to see +him slap the lawyer in the face, kick him in the shins, seize him +bodily, and, finally, with a supreme effort, lift him from the floor +and hurl him prostrate across a table. + +Turning from the bewildered prosecutor, he faced the court and +explained mildly: + +"Your honor and gentlemen, about one-tenth that hard!" + + +An aged negro was crossing-tender at a spot where an express train +made quick work of a buggy and its occupants. Naturally he was the +chief witness, and the entire case hinged upon the energy with which +he had displayed his warning signal. + +A gruelling cross-examination left Rastus unshaken in this story: +The night was dark, and he had waved his lantern frantically, but the +driver of the carriage paid no attention to it. + +Later, the division superintendent called the flagman to his office to +compliment him on the steadfastness with which he stuck to his story. + +"You did wonderfully, Rastus," he said. "I was afraid at first you +might waver in your testimony." + +"Nossir, nossir," Rastus exclaimed, "but I done feared ev'ry minute +that 'ere durn lawyer was gwine ter ask me if mah lantern was +lit."--_Puck_. + + +During a suit to recover damages following an automobile collision in +the Adirondacks, the complainant's attorney, a city lawyer, constantly +hectored the defendant's principal witness, a rough old guide, but was +unable to shake his testimony. + +During cross-examination the guide mentioned "havin' come across the +trail of a Ford." The city lawyer jumped at this chance to discredit +the guide's evidence. + +"Do you mean to tell this court," he demanded, "that you can determine +the make of a car by studying its track? How did you know it was a +Ford?" + +"Well, sir," drawled the guide, "I followed its trail about a hundred +yards and found a Ford at the end of it." + + +The magistrate looked severely at the small, red-faced man who had +been summoned before him, and who returned his gaze without flinching. + +"So you kicked your landlord downstairs?" queried the magistrate. "Did +you imagine that was within the right of a tenant?" + +"I'll bring my lease in and show it to you," said the little man, +growing redder, "and I'll wager you'll agree with me that anything +they've forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had a right to do the +very first chance I got." + + +"As a matter of fact," said the lawyer for the defendant, trying to be +sarcastic, "you were scared half to death, and don't know whether it +was a motor-car or something resembling a motor-car that hit you." + +"It resembled one all right," the plaintiff made answer. "I was +forcibly struck by the resemblance." + + +A religious worker was visiting a Southern penitentiary, when one +prisoner in some way took his fancy. This prisoner was a negro, +who evinced a religious fervour as deep as it was gratifying to the +caller. + +"Of what were you accused?" the prisoner was asked. + +"Dey says I took a watch," answered the negro. "I made a good fight. I +had a dandy lawyer, an' he done prove an alibi wif ten witnesses. Den +my lawyer he shore made a strong speech to de jury. But it wa'n't no +use, sah; I gets ten years." + +"I don't see why you were not acquitted," said the religious worker. + +"Well, sah," explained the prisoner, "dere was shore one weak spot +'bout my defence--dey found de watch in my pocket." + + +Some time ago an elderly gentleman walking along the street saw a +little girl crying bitterly. Instantly his heart softened and he +stopped to soothe her. + +"What is the matter, little girl," he kindly asked; "are you hurt?" + +"No, sir," responded the child as her sobbing increased in volume, "I +lost my nickel!" + +"There! There!" gently returned the kind-hearted citizen, digging into +his pocket. "Don't cry any more. Here is your nickel." + +"Why, you wicked man!" exclaimed the little girl, seizing the coin and +glaring at the donor with flashing eyes. "You had it all the time!" + + +GRAMERCY--"Why don't you have your old car repainted?" + +PARK--"Wouldn't think of such a thing. It's been stolen a dozen times +and has the finest collection of fingerprints you ever saw." + + +A witness in a railroad case at Fort Worth, asked to tell in his own +way how the accident happened, said: + +"Well, Ole and I was walking down the track, and I heard a whistle, +and I got off the track, and the train went by, and I got back on the +track, and I didn't see Ole; but I walked along, and pretty soon I +seen Ole's hat, and I walked on, and seen one of Ole's legs, and then +I seen one of Ole's arms, and then another leg, and then over one side +Ole's head, and I says, 'My God! Something muster happen to Ole!'" + + +Facts are stubborn things.--_Smollett_. + + +_See also_ Witnesses. + + + + +EXAGGERATION + + +_A War Lexicon_ + +In a letter to the editor of the New York Sun an anonymous writer +gives the following important interpretations of various phrases of +"Desperanto," or the language indulged in by frantic telegraph editors +on American newspapers: + +Terrific Slaughter--Sixteen French and seventeen Germans wounded. + +Hurled Back--The withdrawal of an advanced outpost. + +Thousands of Prisoners--Three German farmers arrested. + +Deadly Air Battle--French aeroplane seen in the distance. + +Gigantic Army of Invasion--Two troops of cavalry on a reconnaissance. + +Overwhelming Force--A sergeant and a detail of twelve men. + +Fierce Naval Battle--Mysterious sounds heard at sea. + +Americans Outrageously Maltreated--One American asked to explain why +his trunk contained maps of German roads. + +Bottled Up--A fleet at anchor. + +Trapped--An army in camp. + +Rout--An orderly retreat. + +Heroism--A failure of soldiers to run away in the face of danger. + +Decisive Conflict--A skirmish of outposts. + + +A man with a look of business on his face came to a hotel-keeper, and +asked him if he would buy two carloads of frogs' legs. + +"Two carloads!" said the man in amazement. "Why, I could not use them +in twenty years!" + +"Well, will you buy a carload?" + +"No." + +"Twenty or thirty bushels?" + +"No." + +"Twenty or thirty dozens?" + +"No." + +"Two dozen?" + +"Yes." + +A few days later the man returned with three pairs of legs. "Is that +all?" asked the landlord. + +"Yes; the fact is that I live near a pond, and the frogs made so much +noise that I thought there were millions of them. But I dragged the +pond with a seine, drained it and raked it, and there were only three +frogs in the whole place."--_Life_. + + +A certain young society man was much given to telling exaggerated +stories and was rapidly gaining a reputation for untruthfulness which +worried his friends and particularly his chum, who remonstrated with +him and threatened to disown him if he did not mend his ways. + +"Charlie," said he, "you must stop this big story business of yours or +you are going to lose me as a friend. Nobody believes a word you say, +and you are getting to be a laughing-stock." + +Charlie admitted that he was aware of the fact but complained that he +could not overcome his fault, try as he would. He suggested that had +he but somebody beside him when he started to elaborate upon his tale, +to tread on his foot, he was sure he could break the habit. + +A few days later they were invited to a dinner party and his chum +agreed to sit next to Charlie and step on his toe if he went too far. +All went well until the subject of travel was brought up. One of the +company told of an immense building that he had seen when on a trip +up the Nile. This started Charlie, who at once began to describe +a remarkable building he had seen while on a hunting trip on the +northern border of India. + +"It was one of the most remarkable buildings, I presume, in the +world," said he. "Its dimensions we found to be three miles in +length, two miles in height, and"--as his watchful friend trod on his +toe--"two feet wide." + + +The old sea captain was smoking comfortably by his fireside when Jack, +his sailor son, burst in upon him. + +"Weather too rough," explained the son, "so we've put in for the day." + +"Too rough!" exclaimed Mr. Tar, with visions of his own days at sea. +"Why, sir, I was once sailing round the Cape when a storm came on, and +it blew down the main-mast and the mizzen-mast was swept away, but we +didn't even think of putting in." + +"Well, you see," exclaimed the son, "this storm was so bad that it +blew the anchors off the captain's buttons, took the paint off the +ship's bows and--" + +"Stop!" cried the old man. "You do me credit, Jack--you do me credit!" + + + + +EXAMINATIONS + + +PROF--"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer." + +STUDE--"No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!" + + + + +EXCUSES + + +In a Canadian camp somewhere in England a second George Washington has +been found. He, in company with several others, had been granted four +days' leave, and, as usual, wired for extension. But no hackneyed +excuse was his. In fact, it was so original that it has been framed +and now hangs in a prominent spot in the battalion orderly-room. It +ran as follows: + +"Nobody dead, nobody ill; still going strong, having a good time, and +got plenty of money. Please grant extension." + +And he got it! + + +FIRST OFFICER--"Did you get that fellow's number?" + +SECOND OFFICER--"No; he was going too fast." + +FIRST OFFICER--"Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car." + +SECOND OFFICER--"Wasn't she?"--_Puck_. + + +TED--"Pity the rain spoiled the game today." + +NED--"But you got a check didn't you?" + +TED--"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever had +in my life."--_Judge_. + + +Johnny B----, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long ago +developed a fondness for playing hooky from school. After two or three +offenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher. + +"Johnny," she said, "the next time you are absent I want you to bring +me an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here." + +"I don't want to bring an excuse from my father," protested the boy. + +"Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain. + +"'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses." + + +In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a dusky-hued +waiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton. Bill had to reproach Sutton +more than once for a lack of agility in arriving with the food. +Sutton promised to improve. One morning he brought in a consignment of +griddle-cakes that had gone cold. + +"What do you mean," said Bill, "by bringing me in cold cakes?" + +"Well, I'll tell you, boss," said Sutton. "I brung them cakes in so +fast that I guess they hit a draft." + + +A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, +and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys +were late, and were called up to account for it. + +"You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?" + +"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to +Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam-boat-bell." + +"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his +favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "What have you to +say?" + +"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom +off!" + + +"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a +roll," said the first "commercial." + +"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs." + +"Yessir." + +In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and penitently +over the table, and whispered: + +"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and +the 'andle of the 'liminator got busted off. Will you take yer heggs +fried, same as this 'ere gentleman?" + + + + +EXECUTIVE ABILITY + + +Executive ability has been variously defined, but the following from +an executive with a sense of humor seems to cover the whole subject. +He said: "Executive ability is the ability to hire someone to do work +for which you will get the credit, and, if there is a slip-up, having +someone at whose door to lay the blame." + + +_Qualifications for an Executive_ + +To do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. To do some +things better than they were done before. To eliminate errors. To know +both sides of a question. To be courteous. To set an example. To +work for the love of work. To anticipate requirements. To develop +resources. To master circumstances. To act from reason rather than +from rule. To be satisfied with nothing short of perfection.--_H. +Gordon Selfridge_. + + + + +EXPENSES + + +A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to be married, +and who has been trying to get a line on what the expense of the +rather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached a friend of his, +seeking information. + +"Morris," he said, "your oldest daughter was married about five years +ago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wedding +cost you?" + +"Not at all, Sam," was the answer. "Altogether, about five thousand +dollars a year." + + +Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancing +through his pocket book his mother saw a number of entries of small +sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters +"P.G." Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she +asked her son why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so +deserving a cause. + +"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When I +cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' which +means 'Probably grub.'" + + +"Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?" + +"Hard? Man alive! I meet expenses at every turn." + + + + +EXPERIENCE + + +"Did you ever realize anything on that investment?" + +"Oh, yes." + +"What did you realize on it?" + +"What a fool I had been." + + +It is as easy to buy experience as it is difficult to sell it. + + +"Have you ever had any experience in handling high-class ware?" asked +a dealer in bric-a-brac of an applicant for work. + +"No, sir," was the reply, "but I think I can do it." + +"Suppose," said the dealer, "you accidentally broke a very valuable +porcelain vase, what would you do?" + +"I should put it carefully together," replied the man, "and set it +where a wealthy customer would be sure to knock it over again." + +"Consider yourself engaged," said the dealer. "Now, tell me where you +learned that trick of the trade." + +"A few years ago," answered the other, "I was one of the +'wealthy-customer' class." + + +Experience is a dead loss if you can't sell it for more than it cost. + + +Experience converts us to ourselves when books fail us.--_A. Bronson +Alcott_. + + + I know + The past and thence I will essay to glean + A warning for the future, so that man + May profit by his errors, and derive + Experience from his folly; + For, when the power of imparting joy + Is equal to the will, the human soul + Requires no other heaven. + + --_Shelley_. + + + + +EXTRAVAGANCE + + +"What made you a multi-millionaire?" + +"My wife." + +"Ah, her tactful help--" + +"Nothing like that. I was simply curious to know if there was any +income she couldn't live beyond." + + + The man who builds, and wants wherewith to pay, + Provides a home from which to run away. + + --_Young_. + + + + +FAILURES + + +BROWN--"Back to town again? I thought you were a farmer." + +GREEN--"You made the same mistake I did."--_Judge_. + + +There are people who fail because they are afraid to make a beginning. +Who are too honest to steal, but will borrow and never pay back. Who +go to bed tired because they spend the day in looking for an easy +place. Who can play a tune on one string, but it never makes anybody +want to dance. Who would like to reform the world, but have a front +gate that won't stay shut. Who cannot tell what they think about +anything until they see what the papers have to say about it. + + +A first failure is often a blessing.--_A. L. Brown_. + + +To fail at all is to fail utterly.--_Lowell_. + + +He only is exempt from failures who makes no efforts.--_Whately_. + + + + +FAME + + +After an absence of four years a certain man went back to visit his +old home town. The first four people he met didn't remember him and +the next three didn't know he had been away. + + +"That antagonist of yours says he is going to leave footprints in the +sands of time." + +"He won't," replied Senator Sorghum. "His mind is in the clouds. He is +an intellectual aviator. When he comes down he will leave a dent, not +a footprint." + + + Nor fame I slight, nor for her favors call: + She comes unlooked for, if she comes at all. + + --_Pope_. + + +For what is fame, but the benignant strength of one, transformed to +joy of many?--_George Eliot_. + + +Fame is the fragrance of heroic deeds.--_Longfellow_. + + + + +FAMILIES + + +A Kansas man is reported to be the father of thirty-two children. +It is not known whether he will apply for admission to the League of +Nations or just let America represent him for the present.--_Punch +(London)_. + + +A census-taker was working in lower New York on the East Side, and +came to a tenement that was literally crowded with children. To the +woman who was bending over the washtub he said: + +"Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have you?" + +"Well, lemme see," replied the woman, as she straightened up and wiped +her hands on her apron. "There's Mary and Ellen and Delia and Susie +and Emma and Tommy and Albert and Eddie and Charlie and Frank and--" + +"Madam," interrupted the census man, "if you could just give me the +number--" + +"Number!" she exclaimed, indignantly. "I want you to understand that +we ain't got to numberin' 'em yet. We ain't run out o' names!" + + +The census man when taking the census in a certain Canadian town asked +of the head of the family the usual questions, one being, "How many +children have you?" + +The man answered, "Oh, I don't know, ten, twelve, fourteen or so. I +know a barrel of flour lasts pretty damn quick." + + +_See also_ Bluffing. + + + + +FARMING + + +"It used to be said that anybody could farm--that about all that +was required was a strong back and a weak mind," mused the gaunt +Missourian. "But now'-days, to be a successful farmer a feller must +have a good head and a wide education in order to understand the +advice ladled out to him from all sides by city men and to select for +use that which will do him the least damage." + + +PROFESSOR AT AGRICULTURAL SCHOOL--"What kinds of farming are there?" + +NEW STUDENT--"Extensive, intensive, and pretensive." + + +They were having an argument as to whether it was correct to say of a +hen she is "setting" or "sitting," and, not being able to arrive at a +satisfactory conclusion, they decided to submit the problem to Farmer +Giles. + +"My friends," said he, "that don't interest me at all. What I wants to +know when I hear a hen cackle is whether she be laying or lying." + + +"How many head o' live stock you got on the place?" + +"Live stock?" echoed the somewhat puzzled farmer. "What d' ye mean +by live stock? I got four steam-tractors and sevenautomobiles."--_Judge_. + + +The city youth secured a job with Farmer Jones. The morning after his +arrival, promptly at 4 o'clock, the farmer rapped on his door and told +him to get up. The youth protested. + +"What for?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. + +"Why, we're going to cut oats," replied the farmer. + +"Are they wild oats," queried the youth, "that you've got to sneak up +on 'em in the dark?" + + +"Aren't you afraid America will become isolated?" + +"Not if us farmers keep raisin' things the world needs," answered +Farmer Corntossel, "The feller that rings the dinner-bell never runs +much risk of bein' lonesome." + + +"How'd that city hired man of yours pan out?" + +"Well, he started in Monday morning plowing corn. At 10 o'clock he +struck for a helper to lift the gangs out at the ends, and I sent the +kid out to do that. At noon he struck for two pieces of strawberry +shortcake instead of one, so I gave him my piece. At 1:15 he struck +for a sunshade on the corn plow. I says, 'Young man, this job is just +like a baseball game. Three strikes and you're out, Good-bye.'" + + +A rather patronizing individual from town was observing with +considerable interest the operations of a farmer with whom he had put +up for a while. + +As he watched the old man sow the seed in his field the man from the +city called out facetiously: + +"Well done, old chap. You sow; I reap the fruits." + +Whereupon the farmer grinned and replied: + +"Maybe you will. I am sowing hemp." + + +_See also_ Failures. + + + + +FASHION + + +"Isn't your wife dogmatic?" + +"She was when Pomeranian pups were the style, but now she's +auto-matic." + + +The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.--_Shakespeare_. + + +"Women have queer ways." + +"How now?" + +"The styles call for mannish hats. So my wife bought a mannish hat for +eighteen dollars." + +"Well?" + +"She could have bought a man's hat for four dollars." + + +Women's fashions seem to be working around to the point where the +voice with the smile will have to be listed among the latest spring +styles. + + +The intrepid general was rallying her wavering female troops. + +"Women," she cried, "will you give way to mannish fears?" + +A muffled murmur of indecision ran through the ranks. + +"Shall it be said we are clothed in male armor?" shrieked the general. + +The murmur became a mumble. + +"Will you," fiercely demanded the general, "show the white feather in +a season when feathers are not worn?" + +The effect was electrical. + +"Never!" roared the soldiers. And, forming into battle array, they +once more hurled themselves upon the enemy. + + +"You criticize us," said the Chinese visitor, "yet I see all your +women have their feet bandaged." + +"That is an epidemic," it was explained to him, gently, "which broke +out in 1914. Those are called spats." + + +Little Tommy at the "movies" saw a tribe of Indians painting their +faces, and asked his mother the significance of this. + +"Indians," his mother answered, "always paint their faces before going +on the war-path--before scalping and tomahawking and murdering." + +The next evening after dinner, as the mother entertained in the parlor +her daughter's young man, Tommy rushed downstairs, wide-eyed with +fright. + +"Come on, mother!" he cried. "Let's get out of this quick! Sister is +going on the war-path!" + + +Mrs. Will Irwin said at a Washington Square tea: + +"The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would resolutely +oppose them. + +"I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a skirt +that was, really, too short altogether. The woman put it on. It was +becoming enough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. She entered +the library, and her husband looked up from his work with a dark +frown. + +"'I wonder,' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 'if these +ultra-short skirts will ever go out?' + +"'They'll never go out with me,' he answered in decided tones." + + +Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women did a +good job. Now to design a woman who will wear it. + + +FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit)--"And +you're sure this bathing suit won't shrink?" + +SALESMAN--"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to." + + +POLICEMAN--"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer keep hold of her +skirt?" + +LITTLE ALFRED--"I cou--cou--couldn't reach it." + + +When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed +that "they began too late and ended too soon." + + +FAIR CUSTOMER--"I'd like to try on that one over there." + +SALESMAN--"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade." + + +The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairs +was slow in descending. "Come on down, lady," said the conductor in a +bored tone, "legs ain't no treat to me." + + + + +FATE + + + All human things are subject to decay, + And when fate summons, monarchs must obey. + + --_Dryden_. + + + All are architects of Fate, + Working in these walls of Time: + Some with massive deeds and great, + Some with ornaments of rhyme. + + --_Longfellow_. + + + Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, move + But as they're led: Success is from above. + + --_Lord Lansdowne_. + + + One ship drives east, and another west + With the self-same winds that blow; + 'Tis the set of the sails + And not the gales + Which decide the way to go. + + Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate + As we voyage along through life; + 'Tis the will of the soul + That decides its goal, + And not the calm or the strife. + + + + +FATHERS + + +"Dad," said a Bartlesville, Okla., kid to his father the other night, +"I want to go to the show tonight." + +"A show at night is no place for a kid like you. You should be at home +in bed." + +"But I peddled bills and have two tickets," said the kid, as he began +to sniffle. + +"All right then," answered dad. "I will go with you to see that you +don't get into trouble." + + +Johnnie Jones was doing penance in the corner. Presently he thought +aloud pensively: + +"I can't help it if I am not perfect," he sighed. "I have only heard +of one perfect boy in my whole life." + +"Who was that?" his father asked, thinking to point out a moral. + +"You," came the reply, plaintively, "when you were little." + + + _His Example_ + + There are little eyes upon you, and they're watching night and day; + There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say; + There are little hands all eager to do everything you do, + And a little boy that's dreaming of the day he'll be like you. + + You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest of the wise; + In his little mind about you no suspicions ever rise; + He believes in you devoutly, holds that all you say and do + He will say and do in your way when he's grown up just like you. + + Oh, it sometimes makes me shudder when I hear my boy repeat + Some careless phrase I've uttered in the language of the street; + And it sets my heart to grieving when some little fault I see + And I know beyond all doubting that he picked it up from me. + + There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you're always right, + And his ears are always open and he watches day and night. + You are setting an example every day in all you do + For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be like you. + + +"Now, there's some talk of a Father's Day." + +"Oh, father doesn't want a day. Give him a night off." + + +"I was never so tired in my life. I've had a perfectly awful day. But +I got Father home safely, and that's something. It was his annual day +to be a boy again, to be a regular pal to me, as he likes to express +it. So I have been out in the woods with him. + +"I inferred from his remarks when he invited me to go that he intended +to win my confidence and help me in my troubles. But by noon he had +broken his glasses, worn blisters on both heels, scraped his shins, +lost his new fishing reel, sunk a rowboat, scalded his mouth, burned +his bald spot in the sun and torn the seat out of his trousers, so +I think he must have postponed whatever he had to say of an intimate +nature. + +"If writers and lecturers only knew the suffering they bring to +impressionable parents by goading them into trying to be their boys' +chums they certainly would cease their efforts out of sheer pity." + + + + +FAULTS + + +"Everybody has his faults," said Uncle Eben. "De principal difference +in folks is whether dey's sorry for 'em or proud of 'em." + + +It is so easy to find fault that self-respecting persons ought to be +ashamed to waste their energies in that way. + + +It only takes a few minutes to find in others the faults we can't +discover in ourselves in a lifetime. + + +A widely known Highland drover sold a horse to an Englishman. + +A few days afterward the buyer returned to him. + +"You said that horse had no faults." + +"Well, no mair had he." + +"He's nearly blind!" said the indignant Englishman. + +"Why, mon, that's no' his fau't--that's his misfortune." + + + + +FEES + + +_See_ Tips. + + + + +FICTION + + +The husband was seeing his beloved wife off for a holiday. "Maggie, +dear," he said, "hadn't you better take some fiction with you to while +away the time?" + +"Oh, no, George," she said, "you'll be sending me some letters." + + + + +FIGHTING + + +"Brudder Perkins, yo' been fightin', I heah," said the colored +minister. + +"Yaas, Ah wuz." + +"Doan yo' 'membeh whut de good book sez 'bout turnin' de odder cheek?" + +"Yaas, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an' I'se only got one." + + +"Why do you look so sorrowful, Dennis?" asked one man of another. + +"I just hear-r-d wan man call another man a liar, and the man that +was called a liar said the other man would have to apologize, or there +would be a fight." + +"And why should that make you so sad?" + +"The other man apologized." + + +"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight." + +"We couldn't help it, father." + +"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussion +of the matter, calling in the assistance of unprejudiced opinion, if +need be?" + +"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whip +him, and there was only one way to find out." + + +"So you've been fighting again! Didn't you stop and spell your names, +as I told you?" + +"Y-yes; we did--but my name's Algernon Percival, an' his is +Jim!"--_Judge_. + + + + +FINANCE + + +"Dad," said little Reginald, "what is a bucket-shop?" + +"A bucket-shop, my son," said the father, feelingly, "a bucket-shop +is a modern cooperage establishment to which a man takes a barrel and +brings back the bung-hole."--_Puck_. + + +"Dad," said the financier's son, running into his father's office, +"lend me six hundred." + +"What for, my boy?" + +"I've got a sure tip on the market." + +"How much shall we make out of it?" asked the old man cautiously. + +"A couple of hundred sure," replied the boy eagerly. "That's a hundred +each." + +"Here's your hundred," said his father. "Let's consider that we have +made this deal and that it has succeeded. You make a hundred dollars +and I save five hundred." + + +_Higher Authority_ + +"Mr. Brown is outside," said the new office-boy. "Shall I show him +in?". + +"Not on your life!" exclaimed the junior partner. "I owe him ten +dollars." + +"Show him in," calmly said the senior member of the firm. "He owes me +twenty-five." + + +BUSINESS MAN (explaining)--"When they say 'money is easy,' they mean +simply that the supply is greater than the demand." + +HIS WIFE--"Goodness! I shouldn't think such a thing possible." + + +SMITHSON--"Do you know that Noah was the greatest financier that ever +lived?" + +DIBBS--"How do you make that out?" + +SMITHSON--"Well, he was able to float a company when the whole world +was in liquidation." + + +"This car cost me thirty-five hundred dollars, Blathers, but I'll +let you have it for two thousand, eh? It's a clean gift of fifteen +hundred," said Bolivar. "Eh, what do you say?" + +"No," said Blathers, "I can't do that; but suppose you give me five +hundred dollars and keep the car, eh? Clean saving of a thousand, eh? +What?" + + +The present financial situation gives the lie to the old adage that +Exchange is no robbery. + + +The man who had made a huge fortune was speaking a few words to a +number of students at a business class. Of course, the main theme of +his address was himself. + +"All my success in life, all my tremendous financial prestige," he +said proudly, "I owe to one thing alone--pluck, pluck, pluck!" + +He made an impressive pause here but the effect was ruined by one +student, who asked impressively: + +"Yes, sir; but how are we to find the right people to pluck?" + + +A young New Haven man, returning home from a health trip to Colorado, +told his father about buying a silver mine for $3,000. "I knew they'd +rope you in!" exclaimed the old man. "So you were ass enough to buy a +humbug mine." + +"Yes, but I didn't lose anything. I formed a company, and sold half +the stock to a Connecticut man for $7,000." + +"Y-you did," gasped the old man as he turned white, "I'll bet I'm the +one who bought it." + +"I know you are," coolly observed the young man as he crossed his legs +and tried to appear very much at home. + + + + +FISH + + +The teacher asked, "Who can tell me what an oyster is?" + +A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, and a +shrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, teacher!" + +"Well, Bobby," said the teacher, "you may tell us what an oyster is." + +"An oyster," triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish built like a +nut!" + + +"Dinah, did you wash the fish before you baked it?" + +"Law, ma'am, what's de use ob washin' er fish what's lived all his +life in de water?" + + +"Ma'am, here's a man at the door with a parcel for you." + +"What is it, Bridget?" + +"It's a fish, ma'am, and it's marked C.O.D." + +"Then make the man take it back to the dealer. I ordered trout." + + + + +FISHERMEN + + +"I say, Gadsby," said Mr. Smith, as he entered a fishmonger's with a +lot of tackle in his hand, "I want you to give me some fish to take +home with me. Put them up to look as if they'd been caught today, will +you?" + +"Certainly, sir. How many?" + +"Oh, you'd better give me three or four--mackerel. Make it look decent +in quantity without appearing to exaggerate, you know." + +"Yes, sir. You'd better take salmon, tho." + +"Why? What makes you think so?" + +"Oh, nothing, except that your wife was here early this morning and +said if you dropped in with your fishing-tackle I was to persuade you +to take salmon, if possible, as she liked that kind better than any +other." + + +BELLEVILLE--"Is Glenshaw getting ready for the fishing season?" + +BUTLER--"Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera." + + +A returned vacationist tells us that he was fishing in a pond one +day when a country boy who had been watching him from a distance +approached him and asked. "How many fish yer got, mister?" + +"None yet," he was told. + +"Well, yer ain't doin' so bad," said the youngster. "I know a feller +what fished here for two weeks an' he didn't get any more than you got +in half an hour." + + +Jock MacTavish and two English friends went out on the loch on a +fishing-trip, and it was agreed that the first man to catch a fish +should later stand treat at the inn. As MacTavish was known to be the +best fisherman thereabouts, his friends took considerable delight in +assuring him that he had as good as lost already. + +"An', d'ye ken," said Jock, in speaking of it afterward, "baith o' +them had a guid bite, an' wis sae mean they wadna' pu in." + +"Then you lost?" asked the listener. + +"Oh, no. I didna' pit ony bait on my hook." + + + + +FISHING + + +UNLUCKY FISHERMAN--"Boy, will you sell that big string of fish you are +carrying?" + +BOY--"No, but I'll take yer pitcher holdin' it fer fifty +cents."--_Judge_. + + +Two small boys went fishing and while one of them was having good +luck, the other didn't even get a bite. The unlucky lad silently +began to make preparation for departure. "Aw, wait a while," urged the +other. "You might be lucky if you keep at it." + +"There ain't no use," was the disgusted reply, "my darned worm ain't +tryin'." + + +"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "goes fishin' not so much foh de sake of +de fish as foh de chance to loaf without bein' noticed." + + + + +FLATTERY + + +The man who is not injured by flattery is as hard to find as the one +who is improved by criticism. + + +Flattery is a sort of moral peroxide--it turns many a woman's head. + + +"Oi hate flattery," said O'Brien the other day. "Flattery makes ye +think ye are betther than ye are, an' no man livin' can iver be that." + + +THE CONVERSATIONALIST (to well-known author)--"I'm so delighted to +meet you! It was only the other day I saw something of yours, about +something or other, in some magazine." + + +WILBUR (indicating a couple in the background)--"Funny that such a +stunning-looking woman should marry such a dub as that." + +FLATTE--"Well, I don't know. No accounting for those things. Now, you +take your wife--she's a ripper."--_Life_. + + +The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all her +attributes. + +"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," said +Bob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her in +laughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toed +ones like yours." + + +A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's train had +the presence of mind to remark: + +"Tho I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I have +pinned one to the earth." The lady excused him. + + +"Sir," said the angry woman, "I understand you said I had a face that +would stop a street-car in the middle of the block." + +"Yes, that's what I said," calmly answered the mere man. + +"It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make a +stop like that." + + + + +FOOD + + +DINER--"See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the half +shell?" + +WAITER--"Don't get impatient, sah. We're dreffle short on shells; but +you're next, sah." + + +During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of the camps a recruit +ventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the cook's domain. + +After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook: + +"If you'd put the lid on that camp-kettle you would not get so much of +the dust in your soup." + +The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: "See here, +me lad. Your business is to serve your country." + +"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it." + + +It was a small cafe and the customer overheard this from the waiter: + +"Don't throw that toast into the alley, chef. I gotta customer for a +club sandwich." + + +WAITER--"And will you take the macaroni au gratin, sir?" + +OFFICER--"No macaroni-by gad! It's too doocid difficult to mobilize." + + +The second course of the table d'hote was being served. + +"What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the diner. + +"That, sir, is filet of sole," replied the waiter. + +"Take it away," said the diner, "and see if you can't get me a nice, +tender piece from the upper part of the boot." + + +The new boarder sniffed at the contents of his coffee-cup and set it +down. + +"Well," queried the landlady in a peevish tone, "have you anything to +say against the coffee?" + +"Not a word," he answered. "I never speak ill of the absent." + + +An attendant entered carrying a thin red object. + +"Did any patient order a postage stamp?" + +"Maybe," said one feebly, "that's my mutton chop rare." + + +"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the dinner +table. + +"No," said his father; "what makes you ask a question like that while +we are eating?" + +"You had one on your lettuce, but it's gone now," replied Tommy. + + + + +FOOD CONSERVATION + + +"Well, Ezri, how'd jer make out with yer boarders this year?" + +"Fine! Best season I ever had. There was seven, all told--three +couples in love an' a dyspeptic."--_Life_. + + +The boarders were dropping hints as to the kind of dinner they'd like +to have on Christmas Day. But the landlady was astute. "What's +the difference," she asked the solemn man at the end of the table, +"between a turkey dinner and a mess of stewed prunes?" + +"I don't know," he answered, suspicious of some entangling conundrum. + +"Does nobody know?" she asked, looking round the table. + +They all professed ignorance. "In that case," she said, "I may as well +serve prunes at Christmas and save money." + + + + +FOOLS + + +"Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last night?" asked the +judge. + +The prisoner tried hard to collect his thoughts. + +"Well, the more I look at him, the more likely it seems that I did," +he replied. + + +A fool must now and then be right by chance.--_Cowper_. + + + Fools, to talking ever prone, + Are sure to make their follies known. + + --_Gay_. + + +He explained it clearly to her: "Wise men hesitate, you see. None but +fools will say they're certain." + +"Are you sure of that?" said she. + +"Yes," he answered, "I am certain--certain as can be of that" + +Then he wondered just what she was laughing at. + + +Two Hebrews went in business together in a small town, and one went +to New York to buy the goods, while the other stayed at home. The one +that stayed at home got the bills a few days after his partner was +in New York. The bills came as follows: "24 doz. neckwear and 8 doz. +ditto; 24 suits and 4 ditto; 18 pants and 12 ditto." This ditto part +bothered the one at home and he telegraphed his brother to come home. +When his brother arrived he showed him the bills and said: + +"Vat do it mean you shall buy ditto for a closing (clothing) +business?" + +His brother said: "I buy ditto?" + +"Yes, here's de bills." + +"Vell, dey stuck me in New York." + +So he returned to New York and found that ditto meant the same. He +came back home, and his brother meeting him at the depot said: + +"Vell, Abie, did you find out vat ditto is?" + +And Abie said: "Yes, I find out vat a ditto is--I'm a d--m fool and +you're a ditto." + + +RAYMOND--"What the deuce do you mean by telling Joan that I am a +fool?" + +GEORGE--"Heavens! I'm sorry--was it a secret?" + + +Fools never understand people of wit.--_Vauvenargues_. + + +LEA--"I wonder if Professor Kidder meant anything by it?" + +PERKINS--"By what?" + +LEA--"He advertised a lecture on 'Fools,' and when I bought a ticket +it was marked 'Admit one.'" + + + + +FORDS + + +"So you bought one of those automobiles they tell so many funny +stories about?" + +"Yes," replied Mr. Chuggins. "And it is saving me a lot of trouble and +wear and tear. When your friends tell you jokes about your car they +don't expect you to ask them to ride in it." + + +_If--With Apologies to Kipling_ + +If you can keep your Ford when those about you are selling theirs +and buying Cadillacs; if you can just be tickled all to pieces when +notified to pay your license-tax; if you can feel a quiet sense of +pleasure when driving on a rough and hilly road, and never move a +muscle of your visage when underneath you hear a tire explode; if you +can plan a pleasant week-end journey and tinker at your car a day or +so, then thrill with joy on that eventful morning to find no skill of +yours can make it go; if you can gather up your wife and children, put +on your glad rags, and start off for church, then have to wade around +in greasy gearings and spoil the best of all your stock of shirts, +yet through it all maintain that sweet composure, that gentle calm +befitting such events; if you can sound a bugle-note of triumph when +steering straight against a picket-fence; if you can keep your temper, +tongue, and balance when on your back beneath your car you pose, and, +struggling there to fix a balky cog-wheel, you drop a monkey-wrench +across your nose; if you can smile as gasoline goes higher, and sing +a song because your motor faints--your place is not with common erring +mortals; your home is over there among the saints!--_J. Edward Tufft_. + + +It is admittedly difficult to recover a lost flivver. But the best +suggestion comes from our own Mrs. Eckstrom, who advises an ad.: +"Lizzie, come home; all is forgiven." + + +"Why are school-teachers like Ford cars?" + +"Because they give the most service for the least money."--_Life_. + + +"Yes, indeed," argues the Ford salesman, "this little car is a great +investment. You put a few dollars into a Ford and right away it runs +into thousands." + + +A flivver in Newton, Kan., broke the arms of four persons who +attempted to crank it in less than a week. That's what comes of +crossing a bicycle with a mule. + + +Lew McCall says that motorists who come through Columbus en route for +Kansas City have about the following conversations when they stop at +the filling station here: + +If it's a Cadillac, the driver says: "How far is it to Kansas City?" +"One hundred forty miles," is the reply. "Gimme twenty gallons of +gas and a gallon of oil," says the driver. Then comes a Buick and the +chauffeur says: "How far is it to Kansas City?" "One hundred forty +miles." "Gimme ten gallons of gas and a half-gallon of oil." and he +drives on. Along comes a flivver and the driver uncranks himself, +gets out and stretches, and asks: "How far is it to Kansas City?" +"Oh, about one hundred forty miles." "Is that all? Gimme two quarts of +water and a bottle of 3 in 1, and hold this son-of-a-gun until I get +in." + + +Possibly the apex of sarcasm or something was reached the other day +when Jones took his flivver to a repair shop and asked the man there +what was the best thing to do with it. + +The repair-man looked the car over in silence for several minutes, +after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. "You've a good horn +there," he remarked, quietly. "Suppose you jack it up and run a new +car under it?" + + +A Gentleman who was visiting his lawyer for the purpose of making his +will, insisted that a final request be attached to the document. The +request was, that his Ford car be buried with him after he died. His +lawyer tried to make him see how absurd this was, but failed, so he +asked the gentleman's wife to use her influence with him. She did the +best she could, but she also failed. + +"Well, John," she said finally, "tell me _why_ you want your Ford car +buried with you?" + +"Because I have never gotten into a hole yet but what my Ford could +pull me out," was the reply. + + +Young lady on a country road in a Ford car which has bucked and +refuses to move, asks a farmer who is plowing in an adjoining +field--"Do you know anything about a Ford?" + +"Nope--nuthin' except a lot of stories, ma'am--giddap." + + + + +FOREIGNERS + + +TEACHER--"Who was the first man?" + +HEAD SCHOLAR--"Washington; he was first in war, first in--" + +TEACHER--"No, no; Adam was the first man." + +HEAD SCHOLAR-"Oh! if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose he was." + + + + +FORESIGHT + + +"Are you going to pay any attention to these epithets that are being +hurled at you?" + +"Yes, indeed," answered Senator Sorghum. "I'm having them all +carefully copied and filed away. I may need them when it comes my turn +to call names." + + +"Now, then, my hearties," said the gallant captain, "you have a tough +battle before you. Fight like heroes till your powder is gone; then +run. I'm a little lame, and I'll start now." + + + + +FORGETFULNESS + + +_See_ Memory. + + + + +FORTUNE HUNTERS + + +"This bill was innocent on its face, but beneath there lurked a most +sinister significance." + +The speaker, Senator Clarke, was discussing in Little Rock a measure +of which he disapproved. + +"The bill reminded me, in fact," he said, "of a Little Rock, urchin's +question. His question, innocent enough in appearance, dear knows, was +this: + +"'Would you mind making a noise like a frog, uncle?'" + +"'And why,' said the uncle, with an amused smile, 'why, Tommy, do you +desire me to make a noise like a frog?'" + +"'Because,' replied the urchin, 'whenever I ask daddy to buy me +anything he always says, 'Wait till your uncle croaks.'" + + +"Here's poetic justice for you. One of these oil-stock promoters +married a woman for her money." + +"Yes?" + +"Only to discover that she had invested it all in his oil stock." + + + "I wanted the gold, and I sought it; + I scrabbled and munched like a slave. + Was it famine or scurvy--I fought it; + I hurled my youth into the grave. + + "I wanted the gold and I got it-- + Came out with a fortune last fall-- + Yet somehow life's not what I thought it, + And somehow the gold isn't all." + + --_George Matthew Adams_. + + +"Mamma," said the Young Thing, "I want you to stop forcing me into Mr. +Gottit's company all the time. People are talking." + +"But, my dear," protested the Solicitous Lady, "he is a wonderful +catch!" + +"He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are pitcher, he'll +get onto your curves and throw the game." + + +EDITH--"I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had to choose +between me and a million which he would take, and he said the +million." + +MARIE--"That's all right. He knew if he had the million you'd be +easy," + + + + +FOUNTAIN PENS + + +"Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir pen would +be the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a fountain throws +'em around." + +"I think fountain pen is the proper name," said the party of the +second part. + + + + +FRANKLIN + + +Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary +society, and not well understanding French when declaimed, +determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express +satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood +French, said to him, "But, grand-papa, you always applauded the +loudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and +explained the matter. + + + + +FREAKS + + + 'Tis well to seek to be unique, + But being too odd makes a freak. + + + + +FREE VERSE + + +YOUNG THING--"I wonder why they call it free verse?" + +THE POET--"That's simple. Did you ever try to sell any?" + + + + +FREEDOM OF SPEECH + + +Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom of +speech: "The liberty to say what you think without thinking what you +say." + + +"I believe in free speech!" exclaimed the vociferous man. + +"So do I," rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; "so do I. But in one respect +free speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old days. You hate to +see a man making a pig of himself just because something's free." + + +Words can be just as dangerous as acts. There is a common notion that +the right of free speech implies the right to say anything we please +and relieves a man of all responsibility for his words. Every man +should recognize that hard words are just as dangerous as brickbats, +and if he gets to throwing them around promiscuously he is liable +for the damage he does. Almost any opinion we have could be stated +in terms that would not cause offense. Hard words are caused by our +consciousness of the weakness of our position. They are symptoms of +impotence. They arise from the feeling that a single statement of our +case is not sufficient, and that the only way to make an impression +is by insult or abuse. A man who is satisfied with the justice of his +position is content to state it in simple and inoffensive terms.--_Dr. +Frank Crane_. + + +"Sir," screeched the wild-haired man, "are you opposed to free +speech?" + +"Not unless I am compelled to listen to it," replied old Festus +Pester. + + + + +FRENCH LANGUAGE + + +"Does your son who is abroad with the troops understand French?" + +"Oh, yes, but he says the people he meets there don't seem to." + + + + +FRIENDS + + + "A fellah come to me today + And slapped me on the back + And started makin', right away, + The us'al sort of crack + About how good a friend he was, + How strong he was for me-- + But friends don't need to tell you so, + There's other ways to tell you so," + Says Charlie Cherokee. + + "When makin' up my list of friends + I try to git 'em all; + The folks who give me recommends, + Or loans, however small; + I try to think of all they done + A friend of mine to be. + I find a rainy day is what + Will tell you who's a friend or not," + Says Charlie Cherokee. + + "I've never added to the list + A man, like this one did, + Who slapped my back and grabbed my fist + And started in to kid. + For friends don't need to say a word, + Their friendship you can see, + Can see it in a fellah's eyes-- + For friends don't need to advertise," + Says Charlie Cherokee. + + --_Douglas Malloch_. + + + A day for toil, an hour for sport, + But for a friend life is too short. + + --_Emerson_. + + +It's a pretty safe guess that if you have no friends you have done +something to deserve the fix you are in. + + +A friend who is not in need is a friend indeed. + + + _Friends_ + + Around the corner I had a friend, + In this great city, that has no end. + Yet days go by and weeks rush on + And before I know it, a year has gone, + And I never see my old friend's face, + For life is a swift and terrible race. + He knows I like him just as well + As in the days when I rang his bell, + And he rang mine, we were younger then + And now we are busy, tired men, + Tired of playing the foolish game, + Tired with trying to make a name. + "Tomorrow" I say, "I'll call on Jim + Just to show him that I think of him," + But tomorrow comes, and tomorrow goes, + And the distance between us grows and grows. + Around the corner--yet miles away + "Here's a telegram, sir" Jim died today. + And that's what we get and deserve in the end, + Around the corner, a vanished friend. + + --_C. Hanson Towne_. + + +_See also_ Borrowers. + + + + +FRIENDSHIP + + +"Friendship," said Uncle Eben, "don't mean no mo' to some folk dan a +license to borrow money." + + +Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals.--_Goldsmith_. + + + So long as we love we serve; + So long as we are loved by others + I would almost say that we are indispensable; + And no man is useless while he has a friend. + + +He removes the greatest ornament of friendship who takes away from it +respect.--_Cicero_. + + + Rejoice, and men will seek you; + Grieve, and they turn and go, + They want full measure of all your pleasure, + But they do not need your woe. + + Be glad, and your friends are many; + Be sad, and you lose them all,-- + There are none to decline your nectar'd wine, + But alone you must drink life's gall. + + --_Ella Wheeler Wilcox_. + + + + +FUTURE + + +Youth measures the future with the straight, new ruler of the present; +Old Age, by the frayed and patched plumb-line of the past. + + +I announce myself unblushingly and with perfect confidence. Nobody has +anything on me. + +Nobody can ever supplant me in the affections and desires of men. I am +supreme mogul of the universe. + +Everybody is working for me. Asking nothing for myself, all men expect +everything of me. I withhold nothing and grant as little as I like. +Men may doubt fire and the stars, but not me. + +Nobody ever saw me, yet I am the one reality. Nobody knows anything +about me. So long as time shall last my secret is safe. Yet I am +ever on the lips of men. My name is lisped by the toddling infant and +chortled by hoary-headed sages. + +I am the one that you will eventually disown. + +I am _tomorrow_. + + + _Tomorrow Never Arrives_ + + Always lookin' forward to an easy-goin' time, + When the world seems movin' careless like a bit of idle rime; + A day when there is nothin' that kin make you sigh or fret; + Always lookin' forward--but I haven't seen it yet. + + + + +FUTURE LIFE + + +Mr. Tarzon Jones was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he was +astounded to see in the paper an announcement of his own death. + +He rang up his friend Howard Smith at once. "Halloa, Smith!" he said. +"Have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?" + +"Yes," replied Smith. "Where are you speaking from?" + + +TEACHER--"And what was Nelson's farewell address?" + +BRIGHT BOY--"Heaven, ma'am." + + +At the grave of the departed the old darky pastor stood, hat in hand. +Looking into the abyss he delivered himself of the funeral oration. + +"Samuel Johnson," he said sorrowfully, "you is gone. An' we hopes you +is gone where we 'specks you ain't." + + +POST--"A man can die but once." + +PARKER--"Once used to be enough, until these psychic experts got +busy." + + +A French biologist declares that by a freezing process, somewhat +similar to that used in preserving fish, the span of human life can +be indefinitely extended. By going into cold storage here, we can +postpone a hot time hereafter. + + +"Well, Bill," asked a neighbor. "Hear the boss has had a fever? How's +his temperature today?" + +The hired man scratched his head and decided not to commit himself. + +"'Tain't fer me to say," he replied. "He died last night." + + +A park orator returning home flushed with his oratorical efforts, and +also from other causes, found a mild curate seated opposite in the +tram-car. "It may interest you to know," he said truculently, "that I +don't believe in the existence of a 'eaven." The curate merely nodded, +and went on reading his newspaper. "You don't quite realize," said the +park orator, "what I'm trying to make clear. I want you to understand +that I don't believe for a single, solitary moment that such a +place as 'eaven exists." "All right, all right," answered the curate +pleasantly, "go to hell, only don't make quite so much fuss about it." + + +A Massachusetts Senator was back home, looking after his political +fences, and was asking the minister about some of his old +acquaintances. + +"How's old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him +again?" + +"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "Mr Jones has +gone to heaven." + + +"Now, boys," said the teacher in the juvenile Sunday-school class, +"our lesson today teaches us that if we are good while here on earth, +when we die we will go to a place of everlasting bliss. But suppose we +are bad, then what will become of us?" + +"We'll go to a place of everlasting blister," promptly answered the +small boy at the pedal extremity of the class. + + +"I wish, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you +were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let +me in." + +"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for +you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you +out." + + + + +FUTURIST ART + + +_Futurist Art_ + +Which one might worship--if he should wish--without breaking the +second commandment because truly there is nothing like it "in the +heavens above, in the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth." + + +A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a lunatic +asylum. To all persons who visit him he says, "Look here; this is the +latest masterpiece of my composition." They look, and see nothing but +an expanse of bare canvas. They ask, "What does that represent?" + +"That? Why, that represents the passage of the Jews through the Red +Sea." + +"Beg pardon, but where is the sea?" + +"It has been driven back." + +"And where are the Jews?" + +"They have crossed over." + +"And the Egyptians?" + +"Will be here soon. That's the sort of painting I like; simple, +suggestive, and unpretentious." + + +The artist dipped his brush in a bucket of paint and wiped it across +the canvas several times horizontally. When he had done this he took +his labor in hand and carefully placed it in an elaborate frame. + +"What's the idea?" his boon companion inquired. + +"Impressionistic study." + +"Do you mean to tell me that is a finished painting?" + +"Certainly." + +"What are you going to call it?" + +"A village street as seen from the rear seat of a motorcycle." + + + + +GAMBLING + + +"Look, mother," said Bobbie, exhibiting a handful of marbles, "I won +all those from Willie Smith." + +"Why, Bobbie!" exclaimed his mother; "don't you know it's wicked to +play marbles for 'keeps'? Go right over to his house and give back +every one." + +"Yes, mother," said the boy obediently; "and shall I take that vase +you won at Mrs. Jones' whist party, and give it back to her?" + + +"It's just as wrong to gamble when you win as when you lose." + +"Yassuh," asserted Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "De immorality is jes' as +great, but de inconvenience ain't." + + +PROFESSOR--"Now I put the number seven on the board. What number +immediately comes into your mind?" + +CLASS (in unison)--"Eleven!"--_Burr_. + + +SAM--"Ah done heard dat dey fine' Columbus's bones." + +EZRA--"Lawd! Ah never knew dat he wuz a gamblin' man." + + + + +GARAGES + + +"What do they sell in that last garage besides gasoline, father?" + +"'Besides,' my son? You mean 'instead of.'"--_Life_. + + + + +GARDENING + + +"I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your garden?" + +"I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found that it +would be impossible. They should be planted in hills, and my yard is +perfectly level." + + +WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE--"If you want a garden this year you had +better hire somebody to make it. I'm not going to try it again. I've +figured it out; and if I would spend on my business the time I put in +on that garden I would make enough money to keep us in vegetables for +fifty years. I am off it for life." + +WHAT HE SAID TO HIS NEIGHBOR--"I don't think I'll bother with a garden +this year. It doesn't pay; I may do a little; but the digging and the +labor--I'm off that for life." + +WHAT HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER--"Well, how's the garden coming along? +I'm not doing much with mine this year. What? How high did you say? +Already? What seed did you use?" + +WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME AN HOUR EARLY THAT +DAY--"Call me when dinner's ready. I've got to get the garden started +today or I'll never raise a thing." + + + + +GAS + + +DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER--"Do you mean to say that this meter measures +the amount of gas we burn?" + +GAS COLLECTOR--"I will enter into no controversy, sir; but I may say +that the meter measures the amount of gas you will have to pay for." + + + + +GENEROSITY + + +SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER--"Now, Jimmy, I want you to memorize today's +motto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" + +JIMMY--"Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has always used +that as his motto in his business." + +TEACHER--"Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?" + +JIMMY--"He's a prize-fighter, ma'am."--_Life_. + + +Let us proportion our alms to our ability, lest we provoke God to +proportion His blessings to our alms.--_Beveridge_. + + +In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that +makes us rich.--_Beecher_. + + + + +GENIUS + + +WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between genius and talent?" + +PAW--"Talent gets paid every Saturday, my son." + + + Time, place, and action, may with pains be wrought, + But genius must be born, and never can be taught. + + --_Dryden_. + + +Who in the same given time can produce more than many others, has +vigor; who can produce more and better, has talents; who can produce +what none else can, has genius.--_Lavater_. + + + And genius hath electric power, + Which earth can never tame; + Bright suns may scorch, and dark clouds lower-- + Its flash is still the same. + + --_Lydia M. Child_. + + +Taste consists in the power of judging; genius in the power of +executing.--_Blair_. + + + + +GEOGRAPHY + + +Edgar, aged five, was driving from the station on his first visit to +Maine. His mother, noticing a troubled look on his face as he looked +about, said: + +"What's the matter, dear? Don't you like the beautiful country?" + +"Yes, mother, but on _my_ map Maine is _red_!" + + +FATHER--"Now James, get ready. I'm going to hear your geography +lesson. What have the various expeditions to the North Pole +accomplished?" + +JIMMY--"Nothin' 'cept to make the geography lessons harder." + + +The geography lesson was about to begin, and the subject of it was +France. + +Accordingly, the teacher started off with the question: "Now in this +present terrible war, who is our principal ally?" + +"France," came the answer from a chorus of voices. + +"Quite right," said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of you give me +the name of a town in France?" + +A small boy at the back of the class almost fell over in his eagerness +to tell; "Somewhere," he said, breathlessly. + + + + +GERMANY + + +"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and +so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy." + +The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food +Board. + +"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd +grow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been digging for about +an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found +another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again. + +"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening +up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at +his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket." + + + + +GERMS + + +"You don't seem to pay any attention to these germs." + +"I don't talk about 'em any more than is necessary," answered Doc +Braney. "I take all possible precautions and then try to ignore 'em. +The meanest thing about a germ is that if he can't attack you anywhere +else, he tries to get on your mind." + + +Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and mother was +busy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the sick-room. + +"Why do you do that?" asked four-year-old Donald. + +"Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on the dishes, +so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs." + +Donald turned this over in his little mind for several minutes. Then: + +"Mother, why don't you boil daddy?" + + +"She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizes or filters +everything in the house." + +"How does she get along with her family?" + +"Oh, even her relations are strained." + + +Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had repeatedly +cautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling any object that +might contain germs. One day the little girl came in and said: + +"Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy any more, because he +has germs on him." + +"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy." + +"Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one hop."--_Life_. + + + + +GIFTS + + +When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, his men +banded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed silver horn to +present to him at a meeting in the town hall. The fireman who +was chosen to make the presentation practiced his speech for days +beforehand. The chief, who had been informed of what was to happen, +also practiced his speech of acceptance. They rehearsed together and +were "letter perfect" when they mounted the platform in the town hall. +The throng which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect. +Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across the +platform and with a ghastly expression on his face, said: + +"Well, Bill, here's your horn!" + +The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that it?" + + + Not what we give, but what we share, + For the gift without the giver is bare. + + --_Lowell_. + + +He gives twice who gives quickly.--_Syrus_. + + +A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift of +socks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavy +march. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, a +mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day, +he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece of +stiff writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold, +feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the wearer +of this pair of socks!"--_Punch_. + + +We like the gift when we the giver prize.--_Sheffield_. + + +_See also_ Christmas gifts. + + + + +GIRLS + + +Son has just begun to go to school, and has much to say about the new +little girls he meets, but every few days it is a different girl +that attracts him. His mother said, "I'm afraid, son, that you are +changeable." + +"'Tain't me that changes, mom," he answered; "it's them, when you know +them better." + + +Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to +be.--_Goethe_. + + + + +GOD + + +A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents greatly +objected to being put in an upper berth. She was assured that papa, +mama, and God would watch over her. She was settled in the berth at +last and the passengers were quiet for the night, when a small voice +piped: + +"Mama!" + +"Yes, dear." + +"You there?" + +"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep." + +"Papa, you there?" + +"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl." + +This continued at intervals for some time until a fellow passenger +lost patience and called: + +"We're all here! Your father and mother and brothers and sisters and +uncles and aunts and first cousins. All here. Now go to sleep!" + +There was a brief pause after this explosion. Then the tiny voice +piped up again, but very softly: + +"Mama!" + +"Well?" + +"Was that God?" + + + + +GOLF + + +FIRST NEWSBOY--"Chimmie's got a job as caddie for a golf club. Is dere +much money in dat?" + +SECOND DITTO--"De salary ain't much, but dey makes a lot extra backin' +up fellers when dey lies about de scores dey made." + + +An Irishman was suddenly struck by a golf-ball. + +"Are you hurt?" asked the player. "Why didn't you get out of the way?" + +"An' why should I get out of the way?" asked Pat. "I didn't know there +was any assassins round here." + +"But I called 'fore,'" said the player, "and when I say 'fore,' that +is a sign for you to get out of the way." + +"Oh, it is, is it?" said Pat. "Well, thin, whin I say 'foive,' it is a +sign that you are going to get hit on the nose. 'Foive.'" + + +"What do you think is the most difficult thing for a beginner to learn +about golf?" + +"To keep from talking about it all the time." + + +The golfer who was employing him was playing very badly, and the +caddie threw himself down on the grass at one point and watched him. +When the man had at last succeeded in getting his ball out of the +bunker, he glanced toward the boy and remarked: "You must be tired, +lying down at this time of day." + +"I ain't tired of carrying," said the caddie, "but I certainly am +tired of counting." + + +"What is considered a good score on these links?" + +"Well, sir," replied the youthful caddie solemnly, "most of the gents +tries to do it in as few strokes as they can, but it gin'r'lly takes +some more." + + +"Look, grandpaw, a new gowf ba' I foond, lost on the links." + +"Are ye sure it was lost, Sandy?" + +"Oo, ay; I saw the mannie an' his caddy lookin' for it." + + + _Reflections of a Class A Caddie_ + + One swallow does not make a golfer--it only helps. + You may chip, you may wallop the ball if you will, + But the slash of the duffer will cling round it still. + Look before you cheat. + Every water hole has a silver lining--ask the boat boy. + To stymie is human; to lift up divine. + Half a stroke is better than none. + He laughs last who putts best. + When in doubt, hole out. + + +Two golf fiends--an Englishman and a Scot--were playing a round +together. After the first hole the Englishman asked: + +"How many did you take?" + +"Eight," replied the Scot. + + +"Oh, I only took seven, so it's my hole!" exclaimed the Englishman, +triumphantly. + +After the second hole the Englishman put the same question again. But +the Scot smiled knowingly. + +"Na, na, ma man," said he; "it's ma turn tae ask first!" + + + + +GOSSIP + + +"They say--" + +"Who say?" + +"Oh, all the people who don't matter." + + +"Germany's attitude toward peace is ominous," said General Laurin +Lawson at a luncheon in Louisville." + +"Germany reminds me, in fact, of the new parlor-maid whose mistress +said to her:" + +"'And above all things, I expect you to be reticent.'" + +"'Yes, ma'am, certainly, of course, ma'am,' said the new maid." + +"Then she leaned toward her mistress with shining eyes." + +"'And what's there to be reticent about, ma'am?' she asked." + + +"Now this is a secret and you mustn't tell anybody." + +"Rest assured that I won't tell that secret to anybody, dear. I have +no desire to figure as a female Rip Van Winkle. That secret is at +least three weeks old." + + +Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to other +people about themselves. + + + If you want to know a woman + Who can play a game of tag + With Truth until it's spent beyond repair, + Who can start a thousand rumors, + Set ten thousand tongues a-wag + Till there's nothing left of Gospel in the air, + Who can get you into trouble + And your reputation smirch-- + It's Mrs. Grundy + On a Sunday + When she's walking home from church. + + --_Katharine Eggleston Roberts_. + + +"They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is reliable?" + +"I know that whatever she says goes." + + +"It's just an idle rumor." + +"Well, my wife's bridge club is in session. If those ladies get hold +of that idle rumor, they'll soon put it to work." + + +A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill and then +bring it to you. + + +Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested one +of her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talk +about. + + + + +GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP + + +They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canon. + +"Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions of +years for this great abyss to be carved out?" + +"Well, well!" ejaculated the traveler. "I never knew this was a +government job." + + +"I presume you're mighty glad the war is over." + +"Well, I don' jes' know about dat," answered Mandy. "Cose I'se glad to +have my Sam back home an' all dat, but I jes' know I ain't never gwine +t'get money from him so regular as I did while he wuz in de Army an' +de Government wuz handlin' his financial affairs." + + +"So you approve of the Government's action in taking over the +railroads." + +"Yep," replied Mr. Growcher. "I approve of that and prohibition for +several reasons, one of them being that now a lot of people can quit +lecturing on the subject and go to work." + + +NULLERFORD--"Do you know anybody who favors government control of the +railroads?" + +FONDERHAM--"I know one man. He lives fifty miles from the nearest +rail; never does any traveling or shipping; has a son who's a +conductor, a nephew who's a brakeman, a daughter who works in a +railroad office, and two grandsons who are going to be firemen." + + + + +GRATITUDE + + +At least one Washington debutante has candor and humor in large and +equal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged: + +"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the report!" + + +"You did me a favor ten years ago," said the stranger, "and I have +never forgotten it." + +"Ah," replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face, +"and you have come back to repay me?" + +"Not exactly," replied the stranger. "I've just got into town and need +another favor, and I thought of you right away." + + +"Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills." + +"Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your creditors." + + + + +GUARANTEES + + +"Say," said the man as he entered the clothing-store. "I bought this +suit here less than two weeks ago, and it is rusty-looking already." + +"Well," replied the clothing-dealer, "I guaranteed it to wear like +iron, didn't I?" + + + + +HABIT + + +Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store. + +"Is Judge David Poggenburg stopping here?" asked an impressive-looking +stranger approaching the desk. + +"No," replied the clerk with his most winning manner, "but--er--we +have something else just as good." + + +He was engaged to the daughter of a literary man. He was bold as a +wooer, but the veriest coward when it came to approaching the fair +one's father. So he waited outside the great man's study while the +"fayre ladye" did the tackling. In five minutes she was out again and +on her dress was pinned a slip of paper bearing the words: + +"With the author's compliments." + + +"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and +stole a kiss." + +"What did she say?" + +"Will that be all?" + + +The two American war correspondents were gazing at the conflict when +Winkletop caught sight of a gallant officer leading a charge. + +"His face is strangely familiar," he said. "That Greek lieutenant, I +mean--" + +"Yes," said Blithers. "He used to run the bootblacking stand in that +barber-shop over on Steenth Avenue and Umptyiph Street." + +And just then the noble warrior dashed madly past, and, forgetting +himself under the excitement of the moment, turned and cried aloud to +his advancing troops: + +"Next! Shine!" + +And the indomitable phalanx moved steadily up the hill, giving the +enemy the worst polishing-off they had had since war was declared. + + +RELATIVE--"He is sleeping so quietly that I wonder if we will know +when the end comes." + +WIFE OF DYING FIRST-NIGHTER--"Yes, we will. He will get up and go out +about five minutes before the end."--_Puck_. + + +HURRY--"What's happened to Speeder. I haven't seen him for weeks?" + +CANE--"Oh, he tried all the different makes of cars and then bought an +aeroplane." + +HURRY--"Has he crashed?" + +CANE--"Well, not exactly. He started on a cross-country flight the +other day, heard something rattle and absent-mindedly climbed out to +look under the machine." + + +"For ten years," said the new boarder, "my habits were as regular as +clockwork. I rose on the stroke of six, and half an hour later was at +breakfast; at seven I was at work; dined at one; had supper at six, +and was in bed at nine thirty. Ate only plain food, and hadn't a day's +illness all the time." + +"Dear me!" said a hearer, in sympathetic tones; "and what were you in +for?" + + +DOCTOR--"I have to report, sir, that you are the father of triplets." + +POLITICIAN--"Impossible! I'll demand a recount."--_Puck_. + + + Ill habits gather by unseen degrees, + As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas. + + --_Dryden_. + + + "Habit" is hard to overcome. + If you take off the first letter, it does not change "a bit." + If you take off another, you have a "bit" left. + If you take still another the whole of "it" remains. + If you take still another, it is not "t"-totally used up. + All of which goes to show that if you wish to be rid of a + "habit," you must throw it off altogether. + + +"Why did your wife leave you?" + +"Force of habit, I guess. She was a cook before I married her." + + +BRIGGS--"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you about something I +have had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours." + +GRIGGS--"Certainly not." + +BRIGGS--"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you are +such a splendid, noble fellow." + +GRIGGS--"Yes, yes." + +BRIGGS--"You're one of those fellows who never really know what is +being said to them; you're always pursuing some train of thought. +Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-away +look in your eyes. You've offended a lot of people. Of course, it's +terribly rude--only you don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap +(putting his hands on Grigg's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit." + +GRIGGS (obliged to face him)--"Just what were you saying?" + + +"That cashier is a cool chap." + +"How so?" + +"A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank's cash +yesterday, but he said he couldn't do it unless the thug was +identified. This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a moment and +was nabbed." + + +Some time ago, when a local corps was reviewed by Sir Ian Hamilton, +one officer was mounted on a horse that had previously distinguished +itself in a bakery business. Somebody recognized the horse, and +shouted, "Baker!" The horse promptly stopped dead, and nothing could +urge it on. + +The situation was getting painful when the officer was struck with a +brilliant idea, and remarked, "Not today, thank you." The procession +then moved on. + + +"This makes the fourth time I have had to punish you this week, +Sylvester," chided the teacher. "Do you wonder why?" + +"Nope!" replied Skinny Smith. "You've got the habit, that's all." + + + + +HADES + + +_See_ Future life. + + + + +HAPPINESS + + +"Happiness is merely a state of mind," quoted the Parlor Philosopher. + +"If you mean happiness is imaginary I quite agree with you," replied +the Mere Man. "Just watch a fellow enjoying his fifty-cent cigar, when +he knows very well it's really the old five-center he used to scorn." + + + Keep happy when the weather's fair, + Hum with the cheerful throng; + Be glad that God has let you share + The joys of sun and song. + Keep happy when the weather's wet + The sun may hide to-day; + But back of the clouds, I'll bet, + He's smiling, anyway! + + --_Luke McLuke_. + + + All who joy would win + Must share it--Happiness was born a twin. + + --_Byron_. + + +Happiness is not a fixed quantity, like the world's gold supply: so +that the more one man has the less his neighbor is likely to have. +Real happiness is an infection. You can never force it upon any one. +Each individual must "take" it. I have heard people say, as explaining +the misery of many, that there is not enough happiness to go around. +But the comment misses the very nature of happiness. The more there is +in the world, the more there is likely to be. The larger the number +of happy people the faster the infection will spread. But each must +invite it. One child is happy with the crudest sort of toy, whereas +another child is unhappy with an armful of toys. To the latter kind +of soul, grown or ungrown, you can never give happiness, for there are +not enough toys to supply everybody. Happiness is of the heart not of +circumstances. + + +After reading a poem about a little boy who was so happy because there +were lovely flowers, beautiful birds, blue sky and running brooks, +eight-year-old William remarked: + +"Those things would never make me happy, Miss Jones." + +"Why, William," replied his teacher, "what would it take to make you +happy?" + +"Saturdays!" was the prompt reply.--_Harper's_. + + +The good fairy brought an ingot of lead and an ingot of gold and laid +them before him. "Choose!" she said, simply. + +The child thought a moment, and chose the lead. + +"It's no heavier to carry, it's just as good to eat, and it won't make +everybody hate me!" quoth he. + +The good fairy laughed. + +"You can be happy without any help from me," she chirped, and flew +away. + + + + +HASH + + +The literary boarder fastened his eyes upon the hash. + +"Kindly pass the Review of Reviews," he said. + + +They had hash on Monday for dinner, after a roast of beef on Sunday, +as happens in all well-regulated families. Father had said grace, when +Bobbie said: + +"I don't see why you asked another blessing this evening, father. You +did it yesterday over this. It's the same old stuff." + + +SHE (thoughtfully)--"Did you ever think much about reincarnation, +dear?" + +'18 (otherwise)--"Think about it? I eat it nearly every day--only we +call it hash." + + + + +HASTE + + +Ten people hurry, to catch up where one hurries to get ahead. + + +The more haste, ever the worst speed.--_Churchill_. + + +Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for +him. Haste and hurry are very different things.--_Chesterfield_. + + + + +HEAVEN + + +A Sunday-school teacher was quizzing her class of boys on the strength +of their desire for righteousness. + +"All those who wish to go to heaven," she said, "please stand." + +All got to their feet but one small boy. + +"Why, Johnny," exclaimed the shocked teacher, "do you mean to say that +you don't want to go to heaven?" + +"No, ma'am," replied Johnny promptly. "Not if that bunch is going." + + +THE COOK--"Sir! Sir! There's a _Zep'lin_ outside and if you don't come +wi' the keys of the cellar, we'll all be in--in--heaven in a couple o' +minutes!" + +THE CURATE--"God forbid!" + + +One of the prominent deacons in an Ohio church was seriously ill. +As he was very popular among the congregation, a bulletin board was +posted in front of the church to inform of his condition. It read: + +"One o'clock. Deacon Jones very ill." + +"Two o'clock. Deacon Jones is worse and sinking rapidly." + +"Three o'clock. Deacon Jones dead." + +A traveling man passing by that evening read the bulletin and, seeing +no one in sight, added at the bottom: + +"Seven o'clock. Great excitement in Heaven. Deacon Jones has not +arrived. The worst is feared." + + +"Ma, do cows and bees go to heaven?" + +"Mercy, child, what a question! Why?" + +"Cause if they don't, the milk and honey the preacher said was up +there must be all canned stuff." + + +"Say, mama, was baby sent down from heaven?" + +"Why, yes." + +"Um. They like to have it quiet up there, don't they?" + + +_See also_ Future life. + + + + +HELL + + +_See_ Future life. + + + + +HEREDITY + + +"What is heredity?" + +"Something a father believes in until his son starts to act like a +fool." + + + + +HEROES + + +"So you won the Distinguished Service Cross for conspicuous bravery in +extreme danger. Didn't you feel shaky?" + +"Not until I lined up for the general to pin it on me." + + +An average American soldier. + +One opportunity to serve. + +Equal parts of danger and courage. + +A sense of duty. + +A hot enemy fire. + + +The other day I met in the street a man in uniform. His coat sleeves +were embroidered from shoulder to cuff with bars, stripes, insignia +and chevrons of the most gorgeous colors and fantastic designs. My +curiosity was too much for me, and I was about to stop and question +him, when I discovered he had already halted and was bursting to tell +me. + +"Yes," he announced, "they are every one authorized by the War +Department. These three octangular triangles of orange mean my third +cousin did a good deal of war work. These ten vertical mauve stripes +are ten embarkations; the ten horizontal stripes denote ten times +sea-sick." + +"Then you never reached France," I sympathized. + +"No, but this gray dot indicates extreme disappointment. Now these +pink crosses--" + +But I hurried off, and almost ran into a limping soldier with only a +small gold chevron on each arm. My curiosity again overcame me. "My +boy, how came you by those?" I asked, feeling assured he could not say +much about only two chevrons. He did not. + +"Well," he answered as he passed, "I was abroad for a while, and I +happened to kind of go a little lame." + + +Upon a wharf where the Yanks were disembarking a reporter buttonholed +a rosy-cheeked private. + +"Are you one of the heroes?" the newspaper man asked, with notebook +ready to record a stirring tale of heroism. + +"Naw," was the blushing reply. "I'm only a common doughboy. But the +lieutenant, over there, is one." + +To the officer indicated went the reporter. + +"I'm told you're a hero, sir," he said. + +"No," laughed the lieutenant. "I merely happened to be on the job when +something needed to be done, and I did it. However, I can refer you +to the simon-pure article." And he pointed out a sergeant with three +wound stripes upon his sleeve. + +"Not guilty," declared the sergeant, when questioned. Then, his eyes +kindling with admiration, he waved toward a figure standing somewhat +aside from the throng. "Talk to the major. You couldn't string on a +fat man's bay window the medals he's got, and ought to have." + +"Nonsense!" ejaculated the major, amusedly. + +"That's what you all say!" cried the reporter, in despair. "Is +hero-ing a criminal career?" + +Chuckling, the major beckoned to an ebony-hued stalwart. + +"Rastus," the major said, when the Senegambian saluted and stepped +forward, "this gentleman is looking for a hero. I think you are one." + +"You might say I am, sah. Dey wasn't a wusser, dangerouser job in de +army dan mine." + +"What was it?" eagerly inquired the reporter. + +"Mistah," Rastus solemnly informed him. "I drove a mule team plumb +thoo dis wah." + +--_Terrell Love Holliday_. + + +"How perfectly splendid to think you're one of the heroes who went +over there to die for your country!" + +"Like h--- I did, ma'am! I went over to make some other guy die for +his."--_Life_. + + +FATHER (endeavoring to blend instruction and amusement)--"Yes, +children, Mr. Lloyd George saved his country just as Joan of Arc saved +France." + +BRIGHT CHILD--"And when are they going to burn Mr. Lloyd George, +daddy?" + + + + +HIGH COST OF LIVING + + +_See_ Cost of living. + + + + +HINTING + + +Despite the chilly spring day little Wilbur was out playing without +his coat. This worried a neighbor, but her advice went unheeded. +Finally, she said: "Wilbur, go home and get your coat, and when you +come back I'll give you a piece of cake." + +The bribe worked, and Wilbur soon returned with his coat on and +was duly rewarded. Next day he knocked at the door to announce +significantly: + +"I ain't got my coat on today." + + + + +HISTORY + + +After reading the famous poem, "The Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers," +to the class, the teacher said: "As a drawing exercise suppose you +each draw, according to your imagination, a picture of Plymouth Rock." + +All but one little fellow set to work. He paused and finally raised +his hand. + +"What is it, Edgar?" the teacher asked. + +"Please, ma'am," Edgar piped out, "do you want us to draw a hen or a +rooster?" + + + + +HOME + + +The beauty of the house is order; the blessing of the house is +contentment; the glory of the house is hospitality; the crown of the +house is godliness. + + +Home--The place where we are treated best and grumble most. + + +Home--A world of strife shut out, and a world of love within. + + +It is said that home is the place where a man hangs his hat, but with +a woman it is different. There is a rocker with a worn cushion, a +clock that doesn't keep time, a quilt that is worn, a strip of carpet +that is faded, a few old family pictures, an old-fashioned vase, a +meat platter, a cup and a few plates that do not match and are chipped +around the edges. These, and a few more, known in feminine language as +"her own things," are needed, in the final reckoning, to make a place +a home for a woman. + + +"Some day you'll be rich enough to retire from business." + +"Give up my nice, pleasant office and stay home?" rejoined Mr. +Growcher. "I should say not." + + + + +HOME BREW + + +TIPS--"Why not try a home-brew receipt?" + +TAPS--"It's this way. If I meet a friend under the influence of the +forbidden, I'm afraid he isn't able to give the receipt correctly, +and when I meet a man who has had a few drinks and doesn't feel any +happier, I'll be darned if I want the receipt." + + +LADY--"You say your father was injured in an explosion? How did it +happen?" + +CHILD--"Well, mother says it was too much yeast, but father says it +was too little sugar." + + +Country people call them cellars; city people call them basements, and +some people should call them breweries. + + +"Did you ever hear about that home brew blowing up?" + +"Yes," replied Uncle Bill Bottletop. "If the appropriations for +prohibition enforcement don't hold up, maybe we can curb the liquor +evil by bringin' it under the regulations provided for handling high +explosives." + + +A Detroit firm advertises "The ideal still survives." A good many +people interested suddenly in the raisin crop, who have been trying +to construct home-made stills, will be hard to convince that any still +survives--much less an ideal one. + + + + +HOMELINESS + + +_See_ Beauty, Personal. + + + + +HOMESICK + + +"You ought to be contented and not fret for your old home," said the +mistress as she looked into the dim eyes of her young Swedish maid. +"You are earning good wages, your work is light, every one is kind to +you, and you have plenty of friends here." + +"Yas'm," said the girl, "but it is not the place where I do be that +makes me vera homesick; it is the place where I don't be." + + + + +HONESTY + + +"No," said the old man, sternly. "I will not do it. Never have I sold +anything by false representation, and I will not begin now." + +For a moment he was silent, and the clerk who stood before him could +see that the better nature of his employer was fighting strongly for +the right. + +"No," said the old man, again. "I will not do it. It is an inferior +grade of shoe, and I will never pass it off as anything better. Mark +it, 'A Shoe Fit for a Queen,' and put it in the window. A queen does +not have to do much walking." + + +George, the elderly waiter, entered the office of the famous solicitor +who usually lunched at his table in a certain restaurant and asked to +see the chief. + +"Well, George," asked the man of law, when the waiter was shown in, +"what can I do for you? In trouble?" + +"No, sir, not exactly that; but I've got a chance of a good job at the +Hotel Splendide, and I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to write +me a testimonial, saying I'm a good waiter, and honest, and so forth, +sir?" + +"Well, George, of course I know you're a good waiter, but I don't +know anything else about you. How do I know, for example, that you're +honest?" + +"Oh, well, I am, sir! You'll be quite safe in saying that." + +"Very good. I'll write it, then." + +"Thank you very much indeed, sir! And if at any time you come to +the Splendide and want a good lunch or dinner, be sure to come to my +tables, and I'll make you out a bill at half-price." + + + Aye, sir: to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man + pick'd out of two thousand.--_Shakespeare_. + + +Two piles of apples lay on the ground. One contained a large-sized and +rosy selection; the fruit of the other was green and small. + +"Large on the top, sir, and small at the bottom?" inquired the new +assistant of his master, as he prepared to fill a barrel. + +"Certainly not!" replied the farmer, virtuously. "Honesty is the best +policy, my boy. Put the little apples at the top, and the large ones +at the bottom." + +The assistant complied. His master was evidently as green as his +greenest fruit. + +"Is the barrel full, my lad?" asked the farmer. + +"Yes," answered the assistant. + +"Good." said the farmer, "Now turn it upside down and label it!" + + +The man who fails to keep his word, soon finds that he cannot give his +word. + + + +"Do you believe honesty is the best policy?" "Well, it has the +deferred dividend feature." + + +A Vermonter had returned home after a visit to Boston. Someone asked +him what he thought of the big city. + +"It's a fine place, all right, but the folks there ain't honest," he +replied. + +"Not honest! Where'd you get that idea?" + +"Why, I bought a roll of pins there labeled 'A Hundred Pins for Five +Cents,' and coming home on the train I counted them; they were eleven +short." + + + + +HORSES + + +Two men thrown together at a horse-show were discussing their +adventures with the equine tribe. + +"A horse ran away with me once, and I wasn't out for two months," +remarked the man with the Trilby hat. + +"That's nothing!" replied the man with the bowler. "I ran away with a +horse once, and I wasn't out for two years!" + + +A motor car was held up in a busy street by a wagon drawn by two +horses. The driver seemed in no hurry to get out of the way, and at +length one of the occupants of the motor car exclaimed sarcastically: + +"Here, I say, my man! What are those things you are driving? What are +they for, I should like to know?" + +"These 'ere, guv'nor?" answered the carter, flicking the horses with +his whip. "Oh, these is wot is commonly called 'orses, an' they're +sometimes used fer to take motorists to the 'orspital!" + + +"Do you think the motor will entirely supersede the horse?" + +"I hope not," replied Farmer Corntossel. "There must be some market +fur hay. I depend on what I make on hay to buy gasoline." + + + + +HOSPITALITY + + +Uncle Tobey was an hospitable soul. He wanted no guest in his house +to be stinted. "Have some, have some," he invited cordially at the +supper-table, sending around the platter for the third time; "we're +going to give it to the pigs anyway."--_Judge_. + + + Blest be that spot, where cheerful guests retire + To pause from toil, and trim their evening fire. + Blest that abode, where want and pain repair, + And every stranger finds a ready chair; + Blest be those feasts with simple plenty crown'd, + Where all the ruddy family around + Laugh at the jest or pranks, that never fail, + Or sigh with pity of some mournful tale, + Or press the bashful stranger to his food, + And learn the luxury of doing good. + + --_Goldsmith_. + + +It is not the quantity of the meat but the cheerfulness of the guests +which makes the feast.--_Clarendon_. + + +BAILIE MCTAVISH--"An' so ye leave Glesca' on Monday. What are ye daein +the morrow nicht?" + +MR. JARVIE--"Tomorrow, Thursday, I've no engagement." + +BAILIE--"An' the nixt nicht." + +MR. J.--"I'm free then, too." + +BAILIE--"An' what will ye be daein on Saturday?" + +MR. J.--"On Saturday I dine with the Buchans." + +BAILIE--"What a peety! Aa wanted ye to take dinner wi'us on Saturday." + + +A Quaker had gotten himself into trouble with the authorities and the +sheriff called to escort him to the lock-up. + +"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the +door. + +"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in." + +The sheriff entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was +hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At +last the sheriff grew impatient. + +"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me." + +"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy looks +and has gone another way." + + +"My wife thinks we run a hospitable house. What's your notion of a +hospitable house?" + +"Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the come and +go of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it supplied." + + + + +HOSPITALS + + +A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called +the first evening she was there and inquired how she was getting +along. He was told that she was improving. + +Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. This +went on for some time, each day the report being that his wife was +improving. + +Finally one day he called and said: + +"How iss my wife?" + +"She's dead." + +He went out and met a friend, and the friend said: + +"Well, how is your wife?" + +"She's dead" + +"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?" + +"Improvements!" + + + + +HOTEL BIBLES + + +_Safety_ + +Once upon a time there lived an elderly millionaire who had four +nephews. Desiring to make one of these his heir, he tested their +cleverness. + +He gave to each a $100.00 bill, with the request that they hide the +bills for a year in the city of New York. + +Any of them who should succeed in finding the hidden bill at the end +of the year should share in the inheritance. + +The year being over, the four nephews brought their reports. + +The first, deeply chagrined, told how he had put his bill in the +strongest and surest safe deposit vault, but, alas, clever thieves had +broken in and stolen it. + +The second had put his in charge of a tried and true friend. But the +friend has proved untrustworthy and had spent the money. + +The third had hidden his bill in a crevice in the floor of his room, +but a mouse had nibbled it to bits to build her nest. + +The fourth nephew calmly produced his $100.00 bill, as crisp and as +fresh as when it had been given him. + +"And where did you hide it?" asked his uncle. + +"Too easy! I stuck it in a hotel bible." + +--_Carolyn Wells_. + + + + +HOTELS + + +A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling +loudly. + +"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is +against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on +duty." + +"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones' +dog." + + +A tall, gaunt-looking person recently entered a hotel in a town where +several fires had occurred and applied for a room at a price which +entitled him to lodging on the top floor of the house. Among his +belongings the proprietor noticed a coil of rope, and asked what it +was for. + +"That's a fire escape," said the man, "I carry one with me so I can +let myself down from the window without troubling anyone." + +"Good plan," said the landlord, "but guests with fire escapes like +that pay in advance at this hotel." + + +DEPARTING GUEST--"Enjoyed ourselves? Oh yes! What I'm upset about is +leaving your hotel so soon after I've bought it." + + +A commercial traveler, on leaving a certain hotel, said to the +proprietor: "Pardon me, but with what material do you stuff the beds +in your establishment?" + +"Why," said the landlord, proudly, "with the best straw to be found in +the whole country!" + +"That," returned the traveler, "is very interesting. I now know whence +the straw came that broke the camel's back." + + +ARCHITECT (enthusiastically showing plans of hotel)--"On the first +floor, next to the dining-room, is the ladies' smoking-room; over here +is the men's writing-room; here is the blue lecture-room where the +suffrage meetings are to be held; next to it is the pink tea-room. +Directly over it, on the second floor, is the music-room, where the +Tuesday recitals will be given; behind it is the little theater for +the Saturday tableaux. The ballroom is on the third floor, and on the +fourth--" + +HOTEL PROPRIETOR (interrupting)--"That's all very nice. But where are +the guests' rooms?" + +ARCHITECT--"Bless my soul! I forgot all about them!" + + +"John, dear," wrote a lady from the Capital, "I enclose the hotel +bill." + +"Dear Jane, I enclose a check," wrote John in reply; "but please don't +buy any more hotels at this price--they are robbing you!" + + +A traveler who alighted from the train in a small Southern town was +greeted by a colored porter, who shouted at him, "Palace hotel, boss!" +and grabbed the traveler's baggage, and the latter said, "Wait a +minute, Rastus. Is this hotel American or European?" and Rastus +replied, "I dunno, boss, but I thinks they'se Irish." + + +"Where's that hotel that used to advertise, 'All the Comforts of Home +for One Dollar'?" + +"Busted up. The hotel opposite put up a sign: 'None of the Discomforts +of Home for Two Dollars.'" + + +Miss Muffit had recently joined the "Band of Sisters for Befriending +Burglars" and was being shown over a prison for the first time. + +One prisoner, evidently a man of education, interested her more +than the others. He rose and bowed to her when she entered his cell, +apologizing for the poorness of his apartment. + +Miss Muffit could not help wondering how this refined man came within +the clutches of the law. In fact, as she was leaving his cell she +said: + +"May I ask you why you are in this distressing place?" + +"Madam," he replied, "I am here for robbery at a seaside hotel!" + +"How very interesting!" said Miss Muffit. "Were you--er--the +proprietor?" + + +"Would you like some views of the hotel to send to your friends?" + +"Sir," said the disgruntled guest, "I presume it will be better for me +to keep my views to myself." + + +"We will do our best, Mr. Sprawl, to make you feel at home here," +smiled the hotel clerk, who had acquired the idea that it pays to be +good and kind to all. + +"You needn't to mind, sir," replied Sanford Sprawl, of Puxico. "That's +just what I came away from home to get a change from. What I want is +to feel like I'm at a hotel." + + + + +HOUSING PROBLEM + + +After trying in vain for months to get a house, Brown set out one day +with a find-a-house-or-die look on his face. He wandered about all day +without being successful, till at last his steps led him to the river. + +"Ah!" he said in utter despair, "how tempting it looks!" He was almost +inclined to plunge in and end it all. + +All of a sudden he heard a splash and, looking around, he saw his +friend Green struggling in the water. Without attempting to save him +he rushed off to the local house agent. + +"Quick!" he gasped. "Green has fallen in the river. Can I have his +house?" + +"Sorry," said the house agent. "I've already let it to the man who +pushed him in." + + +The difficulty of finding a house is not exclusively an eastern +problem. Out in Kansas, for instance, a native observed a stranger +looking around and ventured to say, "Good morning, sir, House +hunting?" + +"Yes," replied the stranger. "I wonder if it could have blown this +far." + + +JUDGE--"You are accused of speeding. What have you to say in your +defense?" + +PRISONER--"I heard of a house for rent and was trying to get there +first." + +"The case is dismissed." + + +The taxi-driver turned at the end of the second hour and eyed his +client suspiciously. + +"Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?" he asked. + +"By the year," responded the haggard passenger. "I'm looking for a +home!" + + +VISITOR--"What's that new building on the hill yonder?" + +FARMER--"Well, if I find a tenant for it, it's a bungalow; if I don't, +it's a barn." + + +OWENS--"My landlord has ordered me out because I can't pay my rent." + +BOWENS--"Glad I met you. So has mine. Let's change quarters." + + +MR. MCNAB (after having his lease read over to him)--"I will not sign +that: I havena' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion in +Heaven, an' I'm no' guan tae tackle aboot a hundred for twa rooms in +the High Street!" + + +_See also_ Apartments. + + + + +HUNGER + + +OLD LADY (to mendicant)--"But--my good man, your story has such a +hollow ring." + +"Yes, missis--that's the natural result of speaking with an empty +stummick." + + +Hunger is the teacher of the arts and the bestower of +invention.--_Persius_. + + + + +HUNTING + + +As the camper was cleaning his gun, along came a woodsman. + +"Been hunting today?" he asked. + +"Yes." + +"Shot anything?" + +"I don't know yet. I'm waiting for the rest of the party to get into +camp so we can call the roll." + + +FIRST SIMPLE NIMROD--"Hey, don't shoot. Your gun isn't loaded." + +HIS PARTNER--"Can't help that; the bird won't wait." + + +The very small boy with the very large gun was standing in a country +road. + +"What are you hunting, bub?" asked a passer-by. + +"I dunno," he replied, frankly. "I ain't seen it yet." + + + + +HURRY + + +_See_ Haste. + + + + +HUSBANDS + + +To say of a man that he will make a good husband is much the same sort +of a compliment as to say of a horse that he is perfectly safe for a +woman to drive.--_Puck_. + + +If you marry a widow it is safe to take one whose first trial served +a term in jail, then you won't have the perfect example always held up +before you. + + +"Mother," asked Tommy, "do fairy tales always begin with 'Once upon a +time'?" + +"No, dear, not always; they sometimes begin with 'My love, I have been +detained at the office tonight'" + + +"William," snapped the dear lady, viciously, "didn't I hear the clock +strike two as you came in?" "You did, my dear. It started to strike +ten, but I stopped it to keep it from waking you up." + + +"I hear you are going to marry Archie Blueblood?" said one society +woman to another. "Is it true?" + +"Marry him?" exclaimed the other. "Not likely. What on earth could I +do with him? He's rejected from the Army, he can't ride, he can't play +tennis, golf, nor, for that matter, can he even drive a motor-car!" + +"Oh!" said the friend, "but he can swim beautifully, you know." + +"Swim, indeed! Now, I ask you, would you like a husband you had to +keep in an aquarium?" + + +To observe Washington's birthday, in a fitting manner, a teacher in a +Yonkers school told in detail the life of the first President of the +United States. She emphasized his honesty, sincerity, bravery and +self-reliance. At the close of her discourse, she put this question to +the class: + +"What high office in a nation could such a wonderful man fill?" + +A flaxen-haired boy of ten, sitting in a rear seat, raised his hand +and blushingly replied: "He'd make a nice husband." + + +"How's your husband getting along, Mrs. Fogarty?" + +"Well, sometimes he's better an' sometimes he's worse, but from the +way he growls an' takes on whin he's better, Oi think he's better whin +he's worse." + + +SHE--"I wonder why men lie so?" + +HE--"Because their wives are so inquisitive." + + +HUBBY--"I don't believe in parading my virtues." + +WIFE--"You couldn't, anyway. It takes quite a number to make a +parade." + + +"Why do you feed every tramp who comes along? They never do any work +for you." + +"No," said his wife, "but it is quite a satisfaction to me to see a +man eat a meal without finding fault with the cooking." + + +The husband arrived home much later than usual "from the office." He +took off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His wife began to stir. +Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the cradle of his first-born +and began to rock it vigorously. + +"What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his wife. + +"I've been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get this baby +to sleep," he growled. + +"Why, Robert, I've got him here in bed with me," replied his wife. + + +A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to one of the +smaller pupils. + +"Now, Tommy," she pursued, "if your father were busy all day and said +he would have to go back to the office at night, what would he be +doing?" + +"That's what ma wants to know." + + +HE--"If I were to die you'd never get another husband like me." + +SHE--"What makes you imagine I should ever want another like you?" + + +MRS. BLANK (to laundress)--"And how is your newly married daughter +getting on, Mrs. Brown?" + +MRS. BROWN--"Oh, nicely, thank you, ma'am. She finds her husband a bit +dull; but then, as I tells her, the good ones are dull." + + +JUNKMAN--"Any rags, paper, old iron to sell?" + +HEAD OF HOUSE (irately)--"No--go away--my wife's away for the summer." + +JUNKMAN (smiling)--"Any empty bottles?" + + +_Situation: Buglar, caught red-handed, arraigned in court_ + +WOMAN--"The sorce o' the feller! 'E pretended to be my 'usband and +called out, 'It's all right, darlin'--it's only me.' It was the word +'darlin' wot give 'im away."--_Punch (London)_. + + +"Henry," said his father-in-law, as he called his daughter's spouse +into the library and locked the door, "you have lived with me now for +over two years." + +"Yes, father." + +"In all that time I haven't asked you a penny for board." + +"No, sir." (Wonderingly.) + +"In all your little family quarrels I have always taken your part." + +"Always, sir." + +"I have even paid some of your bills." + +"A good many, father." + +"Then the small favor I am about to ask you will no doubt be granted?" + +"Most certainly, sir." + +"Thanks. Then I want you to tell your mother-in-law that those tickets +for the supper-club dance which she picked up in my room this morning +must have accidentally fallen out of your pocket, and we'll call it +square!" + + +One morning, Mollie, the colored maid, appeared before her mistress, +carrying, folded in a handkerchief, a five-dollar gold piece and all +her earthly possessions in the way of jewelry. + +This package she proferred her mistress, with the request that Miss +Sallie take it for safe keeping. + +"Why, Mollie!" exclaimed the mistress in surprise. "Are you going +away?" + +"Naw'm, I ain' goin' nowheres," Mollie declared. "But me an' Jim +Harris we wuz married this mawnin'. Yas.'m, Jim, he's a new nigger +in town. You don' know nothin' 'bout him, Miss Sallie. I don' know +nothin' 'bout him myself he's er stranger to me." + +Miss Sallie glanced severely at the little package of jewelry. + +"But, Mollie," she demanded, "don't you trust him?" + +"Yas'm," replied Mollie, unruffled. "Cose I trus' him, personally--but +not wid ma valuables." + + +It is necessary to be almost a genius to make a good +husband.--_Balzac_. + + +Jennie, the colored maid, arrived one morning with her head swathed in +bandages--the result of an argument with her hot-tempered spouse. + +"Jennie," said her mistress, "your husband treats you outrageously. +Why don't you leave him?" + +"Well, I don' 'zactly wants to leave him." + +"Hasn't he dragged you the length of the room by your hair?" demanded +her mistress. + +"Yas'm he has done dat." + +"Hasn't he choked you into insensibility?" + +"Yas'm he sho has choked me." + +"And now doesn't he threaten to split your head with an ax?" + +"Yas'm he has done all dat," agreed Jennie, "but he ain' done nothin' +yet so bad I couldn't live wid him." + + +_See also_ Carelessness; Domestic finance. + + + + +HYPOCRISY + + + Hypocrisy will serve as well + To propagate a church, as zeal; + As persecution and promotion + Do equally advance devotion: + So round white stones will serve, they say, + As well as eggs to make hens lay. + + --_Samuel Butler_. + + + There is no vice so simple, but assumes + Some mark of virtue on his outward parts. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + Thus 'tis with all--their chief and constant care + Is to seem everything but what they are. + + --_Goldsmith_. + + + Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie; + A fault which needs it most grows two thereby. + + --_Herbert_. + + + + +HYSTERICS + + +Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problem +to his wife, begs his son to listen: + +FATHER--"Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, what +would you have?" + +MOTHER (replying absently)--"Hysterics." + + + + +"IF" + + +_See_ Fords. + + + + +IGNORANCE + + +A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had in one +of his classes, one year, a young man who was both ignorant and +conceited. One morning he made a specially self-satisfied display of +both these characteristics, and the professor said he would like to +see him at the end of the hour. + +When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You are Mr. +Junkins?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Have you a visiting card?" + +"I--I--yes, sir," stammered the puzzled student. + +"Then, Mr. Junkins," the professor said dryly, "write down on your +visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow." + + + + +ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS + + +Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a college +professor, who was noted for his concentration of thought, was still +pondering deeply on the subject that had been under discussion. Upon +entering his room he heard a noise that appeared to come from under +the bed. + +"Is there any one there?" he asked, absently. + +"No, professor," answered the intruder, knowing his peculiarities. + +"That's strange," murmured the professor. "I was almost sure I heard +some one under the bed." + + + + +IMITATION + + +Imitation is a confession of limitation. + + +Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.--_Colton_. + + + + +IMMIGRANTS + + +_See_ Board of health. + + + + +IMPUDENCE + + +_Put in the Bill_ + +When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with the hotel +accommodations that he gave the landlord a severe call-down. Said he: +"Of all the hotels under the shining sun, I have never been in one +that for unmitigated, all-round, unendurable discomfort could equal +yours." + +After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kipling +asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, "To +impudence--three dollars." + + + He that has but impudence, + To all things has a fair pretence; + And puts among his wants but shame, + To all the world may lay his claim. + + --_Butler_. + + +There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazen +face.--_Menander_. + + + + +INCOME TAX + + +We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern. + +"Still looking for an honest man?" we asked. + +He shook his head mournfully. + +"No. I gave that up long ago. I wish I'd stuck to it. It wasn't half +so hopeless as what I'm doing now." + +He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to him. + +"What are you looking for now, then?" we asked. + +He sighed. "I'm looking for a congressman who made out his income tax +without anybody's help." + + +We don't know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but we are +certain that he stole his style either from Robert Browning or Henry +James. + + +_Income Tax Tips_ + +(_All replies to questions in this column given free of tax._) + +PUZZLED--Don't be bluffed. Simply put all extra leaves in dining-room +table, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, and throw it flat on +its back. When you have it down brand it on first page with hot ink. + +C.H.--Yes, algebra may be used in figuring your return. Personally +we employ trigonometry, altho many prefer calculus and a couple of +lawyers. + +TAXPAYER--Your problem is as clear as a Chinese laundryticket. Simply +deduct the net profit of losses (plus inventories at end of year) +and add income from salaries, wages, bonuses, director's fees, and +pensions. Nothing to it! + +J.J.C.--Refer to Table 113 on Page 11, Section 28, Part IV of return. +Then if Item 86, Schedule V, line 7, exceeds the sum stated in Item +21, Page 9, Schedule Z, get another blank form. + +CONFUSED--No, you should have figured the amounts in Items 34, 60, +and 69 as net losses from Wear and Tear, Obsolescense and Depletion +Charged Off (see K (2) on Page 8 of Instructions) before entering +total in Item 94, Schedule O. It's perfectly simple. + +L.F.--Don't worry about your next year's tax. You may not have any +income. + + +_See also_ Profiteers. + + + + +INDUSTRY + + +Andrew Carnegie was once asked which he considered to be the most +important factor in industry--labor, capital, or brains? The canny +Scot replied with a merry twinkle in his eye, "Which is the most +important leg of a three-legged stool?" + + +Industry is not only the instrument of improvement, but the foundation +of pleasure. He who is a stranger to it may possess, but cannot +enjoy; for it is labor only which gives relish to pleasure. It is +the appointed vehicle of every good to man. It is the indispensable +condition of possessing a sound mind in a sound body.--_Blair_. + + + Protected industry, careering far, + Detects the cause and cures the rage of war, + And sweeps, with forceful arm; to their last graves, + Kings from the earth and pirates from the waves. + + --_Joel Barlow_. + + + In every rank, or great or small, + 'Tis industry supports us all. + + --_Gay_. + + +The great end of all human industry is the attainment of +happiness.--_Hume_. + + +"From what you tell me, Sam, you have been a busy man all your life." + +"Yes, sah; yes, sah." + +"You've done a great deal in your time and day, Sam, I guess." + +"Yes, sah. Dat is, I's done a good lot in mah day, but it was in de +boss's time, sah." + + + + +INFANTS + + +A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank-roll +smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the +future worth living for. + + +A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed very +critically. "Why, he's got no hair, father," was his first remark. +The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father," was the next +comment. The circumstances could not be denied. "I tell you what, +father," was the final observation, "you've been swindled; he's an old +one." + + +THE VISITOR--"Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?" + +LITTLE ETHEL--"He cries when you stick pins in him or make faces +at him or bounce him up and down. But what can you expect? He's too +little to swear." + + +Maggie had a new baby brother, which everybody agreed was such a baby +as had never been seen before. One day the baby was being weighed, and +Maggie asked what that was for. + +"Oh," said her father, "Uncle George has taken a great fancy to baby, +and he's offered to buy him for a shilling an ounce." + +Maggie looked startled. "You're not going to sell him, are you, +daddy?" + +"Of course not, precious," answered daddy, proud to see his little +girl loved her brother so. + +"No. Keep him till he gets a bit bigger," the child went on; "he'll +fetch more money then." + + + + +INFLUENZA + + +A hospital doctor writes in the Ontario Post that one of his patients +had had the flu. He was seen walking around wearily. When he was asked +what was wrong, he said: "Ah done had de Spanish flu." "That so?" he +was asked; "what is the Spanish flu like, Sam?" "The flu?" said Sam; +"don't you all know what de flu is? Why, it's a disease dat makes you +sick six months after you gets well." + + +"Were you very sick with the 'flu,' Rastus?" + +"Sick, sick! Man, Ah was so sick mos' ebery night Ah look in dat er +casualty list for mah name." + + + + +INHERITANCE + + +During the battle of Paschendaele a seriously wounded Gordon +Highlander was brought into one of the Canadian dressing stations. The +surgeon noticed he was wearing a fine gold wrist watch. "Where did you +get that, Scotty?" he asked. + +Scotty merely smiled at the time, but, on being told that the chances +were against him, he later confided the story to the doctor. + +"I took a Heine prisoner who was wearin' yon watch. 'Wull ye gie me +it?' I eskit him. He shookit his heed. I eskit him the second time. +He shookit his heed again. 'For the third and last time, as a +gentlemaun,' I sez, 'will ye gie me thot watch?' Heine shookit his +head." + +"But you got it?" + +"Weel efter thot I simply inherited it." + + + + +INITIATIVE + + +_Not Self-Starters_ + +FIRST CITIZEN--"You can't stop a man from thinking!" + +SECOND DITTO--"No, but the difficulty is to start him!" + + + + +INSOMNIA + + +BARK--"So you have been cured of your insomnia? It must be an immense +relief." + +CARR--"You've said it. Why, I lie awake half the night thinking how I +used to suffer from it." + + + + +INSTALMENT PLAN + + +"I wonder will Smithers always allude to his wife so lovingly as 'my +own'?" + +"Well, she is his own. Everything else in his home he is paying for on +the instalment plan." + + +LADY VISITOR--"Oh, Tommy, you have a nice new suit!" + +TOMMY--"Yes, I think the man pa bought it from is sorry he sold it. +He's always calling." + + + + +INSURANCE, FIRE + + +THE MAN OF LAW--"But, my dear madam, there is no insurance money for +you to draw. Your late husband never insured his life; he only had a +policy against fire." + +THE WONDERFUL WIDOW--"Precisely. That is the very reason I had him +cremated!" + + +A woman, wearing an anxious expression, called at an insurance office +one morning. + +"I understand," she said, "that for five dollars I can insure my house +for a thousand dollars." + +"Yes," replied the agent, "that is right." + +"And," continued the woman anxiously, "do you make any inquiries as to +the origin of the fire?" + +"Certainly," was the prompt reply. + +"Oh!" and she turned to leave the office, "I thought there was a catch +in it somewhere." + + +"I say, Jones, I want to insure my coal-yards against fire. What would +a policy for $20,000 cost?" + +"What coal is it? Same kind as you sent me last?" + +"Yes." + +"I wouldn't bother insuring it if I were you. It won't burn." + + +When the agent brought Mrs. Tarley her fire-insurance policy he +remarked that it would be well for her to make her first payment at +once. + +"How much will it be?" she asked. + +"About $100. Wait a minute and I'll find the exact amount." + +"Oh, how tiresome!" she exclaimed. "Tell the company to let it stand +and deduct it from what they will owe me when the house burns down." + + + + +INSURANCE, LIFE + + +"I wish you would tell me," said the agent, who had been a long time +on Mr. Snaggs' trail, "what is your objection to having your life +insured?" + +"Well, I don't mind telling you," replied Snaggs. "The idea of being +more valuable dead than alive is distasteful to me." + + +"What's the matter, old man? You look worried." + +"Well, to be honest with you, I am. You know, I took out some life +insurance last Thursday." + +"Yes," replied the sympathetic friend, "but what has that to do with +the wobegone expression on your face?" + +"Well, the very next day after I had it written my wife bought a +new cook-book. Possibly it's all right, but it certainly looks +suspicious." + + +MR. MANLEY--"Well, my dear, I've had my life insured for five thousand +dollars." + +MRS. MANLEY--"How very sensible of you! Now I sha'n't have to keep +telling you to be so careful every place you go." + + +"How much life insurance do you think a man ought to carry?" + +"Enough to keep his family from want, but not so much as to make them +utterly impervious to grief." + + +HEWITT--"My wife is a cheerful sort of companion." + +JEWETT--"How is that?" + +HEWITT--"I told her that I had taken out a twenty-year endowment on my +life, and she said, that she hoped I wouldn't mature before the policy +did." + + +Two insurance agents--a Yankee and an Englishman--were bragging about +their rival methods. The Britisher was holding forth on the system +of prompt payment carried out by his people--no trouble, no fuss, no +attempt to wriggle out of settlement. + +"If the man died tonight," he continued, "his widow would receive her +money by the first post tomorrow morning." + +"You don't say?" drawled the Yankee. "See here, now, you talk of +prompt payment! Waal, our office is on the third floor of a building +forty-nine stories high. One of our clients lived in that forty-ninth +story, and he fell out of the window. We handed him his check as he +passed." + + +A colored recruit said he intended to take out the full limit of +Government insurance, $10,000. On being told by a fellow soldier that +he would be foolish to pay on so much when he was likely to be shot +in the trenches, he replied: "Huh! I reckon I knows what I's doin.' +You-all don't s'pose Uncle Sam is gwine to put a $10,000 man in the +first-line trenches, do you?" + + +_See also_ Salesmen and salesmanship. + + + + +INTERVIEWS + + +A Boston business man has the following schedule of time for +interviews hung over his desk: + +Book agents--three seconds. + +Unclassified bores--thirty ditto. + +Golf associates--one hour. + +Friends to make a touch (It takes time to explain why you are +broke)--five minutes. + +People to pay bills--no limit. + +Employees wanting increase of salary--one minute. + +My wife--never too busy. + +Poor relations--always out. + + +An answer to the query why some United States Employment Service +examiners go mad might be found in the following questionnaire filled +out by an applicant applying to the Service for employment: + +Q. Born? A. Yes; once. + +Q. Nativity? A. Baptist. + +Q. Married or single? A. Have been both. + +Q. Parents alive yet? A. Not yet. + +Q. Hair? A. Thin. + +Q. Voice? A. Weak. + +Q. Healthy? A. Sometimes. + +Q. Previous experience? A. No. + +Q. Where? A. Different places. + +Q. Business? A. Rotten. + +Q. Salary expected? A. More. + +Q. Drink? A. Not in dry states. + +Q. Why do you want job? A. Wife won't work any more. + + + + +INVESTMENTS + + +SMITH--"I see stocks took a drop." + +JONES--"Took a drop? I should say they took the whole bottle." + + +No one should have to coax you into any investment. It either looks +good to you or it doesn't. You either want it or you don't. But be +sure you are influenced by facts alone. + + +"Goodness is the only investment that never fails."--_Thoreau_. + + +"Time is money," said Uncle Eben; "but jes' the same, de man dat finds +himself wif a lot o' time on his hands has made a poor investment." + + +"Sir, this is a golden opportunity! Small investment, no risk, and +enormous returns absolutely sure." + +"Then I wouldn't have the heart to deprive you of it."--_Life_. + + +THE SUITOR--"I hope, sir, that you will consider me in the nature of +an investment, even if I may not pay regular dividends." + +THE GIRL'S FATHER--"My dear boy, don't talk of dividends. I shall be +glad if you don't levy regular assessments on me."--_Life_. + + +TOMMY--"Father, what's the future of the verb 'invest'?" + +FATHER (a Congressman)--"Investigation." + + + + +IRELAND + + +We have all heard of the "far flung" British Empire. The only trouble +with it is that Ireland was not flung far enough. + + +"Did you go to the fight last night?" + +"No, I went to hear the lecture on Ireland." + +"Oh--who won?" + + + + +IRISH BULLS + + +PAT--"After all, it's a great pleasure to be missed by someone." + +MIKE--"Shure it is, Pat; if yez can be there t' enjy it." + + +At Camp Grant there is an Irish sergeant who is quick tempered. One +day when he was trying to drill a squad of raw recruits he suddenly +became angry and exclaimed: "Halt! Just come over here, all of ye, and +look at yourselves! It's a fine line ye're keeping, isn't it?" + + +"Pat, what's that piece of blank paper you have in your hand?" asked +one Irishman of another. + +"Oh, that's a letter from my wife." + +"How do you mean a letter from your wife? Sure, there's no writing on +it." + +"Of course not. The missus and myself are not on speaking terms." + + +O'HOULIHAN--"Pwhut's a pessimist, Mike?" + +MULDOON--"He's a feller pwhat burns his bridges behind him an' thin +crosses thim before he comes to thim." + + +"Mrs. Flanagan," said the Landlord, "I've decided to raise your rent." + +"Ah, now," beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye certinly are. I +wor wonderin' how I cud raise it meself, sur." + + +BLONDINE--"Isn't Bennie Beanbrough the thick one?" + +BRUNETTA--"He is all of that." + +"I said to him 'every time I open my mouth I put my foot in it--'" + +"Uh huh!" + +"And right away the poor fish looked down at my feet." + + +An Irishman who is noted for his wit went into a public-house the +other day and called for a glass of beer. The tumbler was not full +enough for Pat's satisfaction, so he quietly asked the publican how +many barrels of beer he sold in a week. + +"Ten," replied the publican. + +"I think," replied Pat, "if yer stand me a pint I could put yez on a +plan to sell eleven barrels a week." + +"Agreed," said the landlord, handing him a pint. "How now am I to do +it?" + +Pat, taking a big drink at his new pint, "Always fill your glasses." + + +An Irishman who was rather too fond of strong drink was asked by the +parish priest: + +"My son, how do you expect to get into Heaven?" + +The Irishman replied: + +"Shure, and that's aisy! When I get to the gates of Heaven I'll open +the door and shut the door, and open the door and shut the door, +an' keep on doing that till St. Peter gets impatient and says, 'For +goodness' sake, Mike, either come in or stay out!'" + + +Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had +been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit +for a week. He was well satisfied with himself. + +"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was +stopping, "you've been in this country how long?" + +"Two years, sir," she said. + +"Do you like it?" + +"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary. + +"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this +country, which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would +never be in a room with a justice of the supreme court, and chatting +familiarly with him." + +"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge +at home." + + +"Sure, Oi'll write me name on the back o' your note, guaranteein' +ye'll pay ut," said Pat, smiling pleasantly as he indorsed Billup's +note, "but Oi know doomed well ye won't pay ut. We'll have a laugh at +th' ixpinse of the bank."--_Life_. + + +PAT--"This is the foist time inny of these corporations hev done +innything to binnefit the workingman." + +MIKE--"How is that, Pat?" + +PAT--"It is this siven-cint fare. I hev bin walkin' to and from me +work and savin' tin cints, and now I kin save fourteen cints." + + +An Irishman asked at the railway station for a ticket to Philadelphia. + +"Do you want a ticket one way or one that will take you there and +back?" + +The Irishman looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then said: +"What the devil do I want a ticket there an' back for when I'm here +already?" + + +An Irish mother reproving her son exclaimed, "I just wish that your +father was at home some evening to see how you behave yourself when he +is out!" + + +A tourist reports seeing the following police regulation posted up in +Ireland: + +"Until further notice every vehicle must carry a light when darkness +begins. Darkness begins when the lights are lit." + + + + +IRISHMEN + + +"'Tis easy to see," said the tourist to Paddy, who was driving him +around, "that your parents came from Ireland." + +"No, sir, they did not," replied Paddy. + +"What! Do you mean to say your parents did not come from Ireland?" + +"No, sir; you are mistaken," replied Paddy; "they're there yit."--_The +Nation_. + + +A zealous excise officer was sent to Ireland to try to locate several +"moonshine" stills which were known to exist. + +Meeting a native the excise officer approached Pat, saying: + +"I'll give you five shillings, Pat, if you can take me to a private +still." + +"Troth, an' I will sir," was Pat's reply, as he pocketed the money. +"Come with me." + +For many weary miles over mountain, bog, and moor they tramped, until +they came into view of a barracks. Pointing to a soldier seated on a +step inside the square, Pat said: + +"There you are, sir, my brother Mike; he's been a soldier for ten +years, an' he's a private still." + + +An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked him: "What would +you be were you not a Scot?" + +The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!" + +Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: +"And what would you be were you not an Irishman?" + +The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of meself!" + + +Two sailors, an Irishman and a Scotchman, could never agree, and the +rest of the crew had become adepts in starting them on an argument. +One day "patron saints" was the subject, of which the Scotchman knew +nothing and the Irishman just a little. + +"Who was the patron saint of Ireland?" said Jock. + +"Do you mean to say you don't know?" said Pat. "Why, the holy St. +Patrick." + +"Well," said Jock in deliberate tones, "hang your St. Patrick." + +In a towering rage the Irishman hesitated a second while he thought of +something equally offensive, and then burst out with, "And hang your +Harry Lauder!" + + +PAT--"Yis, sorr, wur-rk is scarce, but Oi got a job last Sunday that +brought me foive dollars." + +MR. GOODMAN--"What! you broke the Sabbath?" + +PAT (apologetically)--"Well, sorr, 'twas wan av us had t' be broke." + + +An Irishman employed in a large factory had taken a day off without +permission and seemed likely to lose his job in consequence. When +asked by his foreman the next day why he had not turned up the day +before, he replied: + +"I was so ill, sir, that I could not come to work to save me life." + +"How was it, then, Pat, that I saw you pass the factory on your +bicycle during the morning?" asked the foreman. + +Pat was slightly taken aback, then regaining his presence of mind, he +replied: + +"Sure, sir, that must have been when I was going for the doctor." + + +A college graduate was walking down the street one evening with a +friend of Irish descent, and, pausing to look up at the starry sky, +remarked with enthusiasm: + +"How bright Orion is tonight!" + +"So that is O'Ryan, is it?" replied Pat. "Well, thank the Lord, +there's one Irishman in heaven, anyhow!" + + +After Patsy Hogan had left Dublin for the country, and rented a +cottage with a small backyard, he returned to town and purchased a +monkey. Not a word of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies. + +But afterwards he explained. "'Twas like this: I chained the monkey to +a stick in me yard, and the coal thrains were passin' all day, and on +iv'ry thrain there was a stoker. In one week I had two tons of coal in +me cellar, and the monkey was never wanst hit!" + + +_See also_ Irish bulls. + + + + +JEWS + + +Pat, answering questions in applying for a job as keeper of the pound, +came to the query, "What are rabies and what would you do for them?" + +He replied, "Rabies is Jew priests and I wouldn't do a damn thing for +them." + + +Israel Paletzky sold and delivered fresh eggs to a near-by soda +dispenser. One day he brought in two dozen eggs in response to +an order. Upon counting them, the proprietor of the soda fountain +discovered there was an extra egg and offered it back to the aged Jew. + +"Oh, dot's all right!" said old Israel. "Neffer mind for chust von +egg." + +"Well, Izzy, have a drink then." + +"All right. I take it a malted milk mit egg." + + +To the great God Buddha came the representatives of the Catholic, +Protestant, and Jewish religions, to pay him homage. Buddha, very +flattered, told each of them that if they would express a wish, it +would be fulfilled. + +"What do you wish?" he asked the Catholic. + +The answer was "Glory." + +"You shall have it," said Buddha, and turning to the Protestant, "What +do you wish?" + +"Money." + +"You shall have it." + +"And you?" This to the Jew. + +"I do not want much," quoth he; "give me the Protestant's address!" + + +Father Duffy is credited by the New York World with this after-dinner +story: + +"An old sexton asked me, 'Father, weren't the Apostles Jews?' I said +they were. Puzzled, he demanded: 'Then how the deuce did the Jews let +go of a good thing like the Catholic Church and let the Eytalians grab +it?'"--_The Outlook_. + + +In the latest number of the Unpartizan Review Henry Holt tells the +following anecdote as used by John Hay: + +"Two Jews," he said, "were rescued from a raft by a Cunarder. Both +were pretty well used up, when one saw the vessel and murmured, 'A +sail, a sail!' The other who was stretched on the raft revived long +enough to exclaim, 'Mein Gott! I haf no gatalog!'" + + + + +JOKES + + +_Life of a Joke_ + +1--Appears in LIFE. + +2--Copied in newspaper. + +3--Used in almanac. + +4--Filler on theater program. + +5--Furnishes a laugh in vaudeville. + +6--After-dinner speaker tells it. + +7--Translated in foreign papers. + +8--Retranslated back. Goes rounds of American papers once more. + +9--Sent to LIFE as original.--_Life_. + + +"Pop, what do we mean by a good listener?" + +"A good listener, my son, is a man to whom it is possible to tell a +funny story without reminding him of one of his own." + + +JUDGE--"You are charged with profanity." + +PRISONER--"How can that be, your honor, when I was arrested for +getting rid of it?" + +JUDGE--"Ten days for swearing. Thirty days for that joke." + + +POST--"Scribbler says if you can judge of the future by the past, his +work will live for thousands of years." + +PARKER--"Let's see. Just what does Scribbler write?" + +POST--"Jokes." + + +MRS. LESSNER--"Do you think it's true that poor Lydia hasn't smiled +since her marriage?" + +MRS. SHORTWELL--"I think it's very likely. You know her husband is a +professional humorist." + + +The good die young was never said of a joke. + + +Why are jokes preceded by the so-called title, which is virtually the +conclusion, or what Twain termed the "nub"? The understanding of it +implies the reading of the joke first, and yet it is hung at the very +beginning in heavy type, demanding immediate attention. The reader +learns rapidly, however, and will not be fooled. Nine times out of ten +he will skip the title, complete the article, and then, from habit, +unconsciously glance back for the grin in the title, Where the Point +Lies. + + +It was a portly but very polite person who sat next to Jones in a +railway station. "Pardon me," said he to Jones, "but what would you +say if I sat on your hat?" "Suppose you sit on it and then ask me," +sarcastically suggested Jones. "I did," said the portly person, +imperturbably.--_Judge_. + + +"It must be gratifying to see your jokes copied everywhere." + +"What gratifies me most," said the professional humorist, "is that +somebody is willing to buy 'em in the first place." + + +William George Jordan, the educator and writer, uses a crutch. One +day, after he had negotiated several blocks, he paused to mop his +brow. While mopping with one hand he held his hat in the other and +a kindhearted but near-sighted passerby dropped a coin in the hat. +"Hey!" said Jordan, "it's legs I want--not alms." + + + _Old Fashioned Fun_ + + When that old joke was new, + It was not hard to joke, + And puns we now pooh-pooh, + Great laughter would provoke. + + True wit was seldom heard, + And humor shown by few, + When reign'd King George the Third, + And that old joke was new. + + It passed indeed for wit, + Did this achievement rare, + When down your friend would sit, + To steal away his chair. + + You brought him to the floor, + You bruised him black and blue, + And this would cause a roar, + When your old joke was new. + + --_W.M. Thackeray_. + + + + +JOURNALISM + + +"I represent The Daily Scoop, At what time did his lordship die?" + +"His Lordship is not yet dead." + +"Oh, isn't he? Well, then I'll wait." + + +FIRST WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Did your dispatch get past the censor?" + +SECOND WAR-CORRESPONDENT--"Only the part that wasn't true." + +"Well, isn't that all your paper wants?"--Life. + + +"Getting out a daily column is no picnic," confesses a daily +getter-out in the Niles Sun-Star. "If we print jokes, folks say we +are silly--if we don't, they say we are too serious. If we publish +original matter, they say we lack variety; if we publish things from +other papers, they say we are too lazy to write. If we stay in the +office, we ought to be out rustling news; if we rustle for news, we +are not attending to business in the office. If we wear old clothes, +we are insolvents; if we wear new clothes, they are not paid for. What +in thunder is a poor editor to do anyhow? Like as not someone will say +we swiped this from an exchange. We did." + + +_See also_ Newspapers. + + + + +JUDGES + + +Judge Ben B. Lindsey of Denver, was lunching one day--it was a very +hot day--when a politician paused beside his table "Judge," said he, +"I see you're drinking coffee. That's a heating drink. In this weather +you want to drink iced drinks, Judge--sharp iced drinks. Did you ever +try gin and ginger ale?" + +"No," said the Judge, smiling, "but I have tried several fellows who +have." + + +Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his courtroom is +in New Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a defendant who, hoping for +leniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down and out." + +Whereupon said the wise Judge: + +"You're down, but you're not out. Six months." + + +The late Gilman Marston, of New Hampshire, was arguing a complicated +case, and looked up authorities back to Julius Caesar. At the end of +an hour and a half, in the most intricate part of his plea, he was +pained to see what looked like inattention. It was as he had feared. +The judge was unable to appreciate the nice points of his argument. + +"Your Honor," he said, "I beg your pardon; but do you follow me?" + +"I have so far," answered the judge, shifting wearily about in his +chair, "but I'll say frankly that if I thought I could find my way +back, I'd quit right here." + + +_See also_ Lawyers. + + + + +JUDGMENT + + +Two San Francisco negroes were discussing the possibilities of being +drafted. + +"'Tain't gwine do 'em any good to pick on me," said Lemuel, sulkily. +"Ah certainly ain't gwine do any fightin'. Ah ain't lost nothin' oveh +in France. Ah ain't got any quarrel with anybody, and Uncle Sam kain't +make me fight." + +Jim pondered over this statement for a moment. + +"You' right," he said at length. "Uncle Sam kain't make you fight. But +he can take you where de fightin' is, and after that you kin use you' +own judgment." + + + 'Tis with our judgments as our watches; none + Go just alike, yet each believes his own. + + --_Pope_. + + + How little do they see what is, who frame + Their hasty judgment upon that which seems. + + --_Southey_. + + + Judgment is forced upon us by experience. + + --_Johnson_. + + + + +JURY + + +Fresh from Boston, the lawyer in the frontier town had just finished a +glowing summing up for the defense. There ensued a long pause, and the +Easterner turned in some embarrassment to the judge. + +"Your Honor," he asked, "will you charge the jury?" + +"Oh, no, I guess not," answered the judge benignantly. + +"They ain't got much anyway, so I let them keep all they can make on +the side." + + +The jury filed into the jury-box, and after the twelve seats were +filled there still remained one juror standing outside. + +"If the Court please," said the Clerk, "they have made a mistake and +sent us thirteen jurors instead of twelve. What do you want to do with +this extra one?" + +"What is your name?" asked the judge of the extra man. + +"Joseph A. Braines," he replied. + +"Mr. Clerk," said the judge, "take this man back to the jury +commissioners and tell them we don't need him as we already have +twelve men without Braines." + + +A suit for damages was being tried not long ago in one of the +divisions of a Southern city court. A country lad, seventeen or +eighteen years of age, was put on the stand to testify. He gave his +testimony in so low a tone that the judge, pointing to the jury, said +to him: + +"Speak so that these gentlemen can hear you." + +"Why," said the witness, with a beaming smile, "are these men +interested in the case, too?" + + +"Judge, Your Honor," cried the prisoner at the bar, "have I got to be +tried by a lady jury?" + +"Be still!" whispered his attorney. + +"I won't be still! Judge, I can't even fool my own wife, let alone +twelve strange women. I'm guilty!" + + +In western Georgia a jury recently met to inquire into a case of +suicide. After sitting through the evidence, the twelve men retired, +and, after deliberating, returned with the following verdict: + +"The jury are all of one mind--temporarily insane." + + +THE JUDGE (to jury, who have retired several times without +agreeing)--"I understand that one juryman prevents your coming to +a verdict. In my summing up I have clearly stated the law, and any +juryman who obstinately sets his individual opinion against the +remaining eleven is totally unfitted for his duties." + +THE SOLITARY OBJECTOR--"Please, m'lud, I'm the only man who agrees +with you!" + + +_A Time Exposure_ + +A judge's little daughter, who had attended her father's court for +the first time, was very much interested in the proceedings. After her +return home she told her mother: + +"Papa made a speech, and several other men made speeches to twelve +men who sat all together, and then these twelve men were put in a dark +room to be developed." + + +During an address to a body of law students ex-President Taft pointed +out that too much care cannot be taken in the selection of the jury. +In this connection he told of an intelligent-looking farmer who had +been examined by both defense and prosecution and was about to be +accepted, when the prosecutor chanced to ask: + +"Do you believe in capital punishment?" + +The farmer hemmed and hawed and after a moment's reflection replied: + +"Yes, sir, I do, if it ain't too severe." + + +THE COURT--"Considering that you are the wife of the prisoner, do you +think you are qualified to act as a juror in this case?" + +THE LADY--"Well, your honor, if you will only give me a chance, I +think I can convince the eleven other jurors that he's guilty." + + +A tailor who had been wrongfully accused of murder, and who had an +excellent defense, seemed very dejected when brought up for trial. + +"What's the trouble?" whispered the counsel, observing his client's +distress as he surveyed the jurymen. + +"It looks very bad for me," said the defendant, "unless some steps +are taken to dismiss that jury and get in a new lot. There isn't a man +among them but owes me money for clothes." + + + + +JUSTICE + + +There is no virtue so truly great and Godlike as justice.--_Addison_. + + +A Sunday-school teacher had been telling her class of little boys +about crowns of glory and heavenly rewards for good people. + +"Now, tell me," she said, at the close of the lesson, "who will get +the biggest crown?" + +There was silence for a minute or two, then a bright little chap piped +out: + +"Him wot's got t' biggest 'ead." + + + + +KINDNESS + + + I think I know what kindness is tonight. + It is a woman standing by a light. + + It is a smile when life seems mostly grim. + It is a hope when hope has grown quite slim. + + It is a hand that's gentle, firm and cool. + It is calm sense when you think like a fool. + + It is a word of cheer when cheer is gone. + It is a lowered blind at garish dawn. + + It is a steady presence all the day + That pushes lagging, dragging hours away. + + I think I know what kindness is tonight. + It is a woman standing by a light. + + --_Joseph Andrew Galahad_. + + +The Red-Cross idea that children should be encouraged to breed white +mice in order that they might be handed over to doctors for the +purpose of medical research, and which recommended these white mice, +particularly, on the grounds that they so endeared themselves to the +children, can only be paralleled by a story General Baden-Powell once +told at a Boy Scout meeting. There was a boy, he related, who went +to bed one night without having done his "kind act." Just as he was +beginning to feel rather miserable about it, he heard a mouse in a +trap in the room. + +"What do you think he did?" asked the General, and the audience +promptly replied: + +"Let it out." + +"Not at all," replied the General; "he hadn't done his kind act: he +thought of the cat." + + + Kindness is wisdom. There is none in life + But needs it and may learn. + + --_Bailey_. + + +Beauty lives with kindness.--_Shakespeare_. + + + + +KINGS AND RULERS + + + _Kings and Emperors_ + + Kings and Emperors shall pass + Like the sands within the glass. + + See them passing even now, + Shorn of power, and bent of brow! + + Purblind they who saw not Fate + Standing by the palace gate; + Deaf were they, and their reward + Is the Justice of the Lord! + + --_Clinton Scollard_. + + +SAM--"Who was the first Kaiser?" + +BULL--"How do I know? Ask me something easy." + +SAM--"Something easy?" + +BULL--"Yes; ask me who's the last." + + + The Kaiser said, "What shameful fears + I'm now compelled to feel; + I stacked the cards for thirty years + And then mussed up the deal!" + + +"Can you tell me," said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under +examination at Union Hill, N.J., as to his qualifications for +citizenship, "the difference between the powers and prerogatives of +the King of England and those of the President of the United States?" + +"Yezzir," spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. "King, he got steady job." + + +In the English royal library at Windsor, in the center of the magazine +table, there is a large album of pictures of many eminent and popular +men and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--a +section for each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, +in looking through the book, came across the pages devoted to the +pictures of the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed +among these was a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt. + +"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel's +picture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?" + +"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a great and +good man. In some respects I look upon him as a genius." + +A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the album, +noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been removed and +placed in the section devoted to "Men and Women of the Time." On +asking the Prince whether he had removed the picture, the latter +solemnly replied: "Yes, sir. You told me the other day that you +thought Mr. Roosevelt a genius, so I took him away from the kings and +emperors and put him among the famous people." + + + + +KISSES + + +Jack disliked being kissed. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, +to make matters worse, on going to the picture-palace in the evening, +instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures there was nothing +but a lot more hugging and kissing. He returned home completely out of +patience with the whole tribe of women. + +After he had been tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him +good-night. + +He refused. + +Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who +was standing at the doorway, looking on, and said: + +"Daddy, for heaven's sake, give this woman a kiss!" + + +People who throw kisses are mighty near hopelessly lazy. + + +"If you kiss me again," declared Miss Lovely firmly, "I shall tell +father." + +"That's an old tale," replied the bold, bad young man. "Anyhow, it's +worth it," and he kissed her. + +Miss Lovely sprang to her feet. "I shall tell father," she said and +left the room. + +"Father," she said softly to her parent when she got outside, "Mr. +Bolder wants to see your new gun." + +"All right, I'll take it to him," said her father, and two minutes +later he appeared in the doorway with his gun in his hand. + +There was a crash of breaking glass as Mr. Bolder dived through the +window and departed in all haste for the railway station.--_Judge_. + + +Before introducing Lieutenant de Tessan, aid to General Joffre, and +Colonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil of France," Chairman Spencer, of the +St. Louis entertainment committee, at the M. A. A. breakfast told this +anecdote. + +"In Washington, Lieutenant de Tessan was approached by a pretty +American girl, who said: + +"'And did you kill a German soldier?' + +"'Yes,' he replied. + +"'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired. + +"'With this right hand,' he said. + +"And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and kissed +it. Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and said to +Lieutenant de Tessan: + +"'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to death.'" + + +According to Dr. Bramer, the savages of Brumari Island never kiss each +other. Judging by their photographs, we don't blame them. + + +A girl was asked to explain why men never kiss each other, while women +do. She replied: + +"Men have something better to kiss; women haven't." + + +A kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss +to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to steal +it, and the old man has to buy it. The Baby's right, the Lover's +privilege, the Hypocrite's mask. To a young girl, faith; to a married +woman, hope; to an old maid charity. + + + + +KNOWLEDGE + + +_Self-Knowledge_ + +To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great help to +knowledge.--_Disraeli_. + + +_Superfluous_ + +"What's that you're goin' to give Bill?" + +"An anesthetic. After he takes it he won't know anything." + +"Lor', Bill don't need that, he don't know anything now." + + + Knowledge is not happiness, and science + But an exchange of ignorance for that + Which is another kind of ignorance. + + --_Byron_. + + + + +LABOR AND CAPITAL + + +"What's the difference between capital and labor?" + +"If I had to work and turn three-fourths of my wages over to you, that +would be labor." + +"Yes?" + +"On the other hand, if you had to work and turn three-fourths of your +wages over to me, that would be capital." + + + + +LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES + + +JOHN--"You work hard. How many hods of mortar have yuh carried up that +ladder today?" + +BILL--"Hush, man. I'm foolin' the boss. I've carried this same hodful +up an' down all day, and he thinks I've been workin'." + + + Said a teacher of much erudition, + "I deplore the poor workman's condition." + When he learned what they earned, + His profession he spurned, + And became a high-paid mechanician. + + +"And how is your husband keeping?" + +"'E ain't keeping; 'e's on strike, and I'm doing the keeping." + + +BOSS--"No; we have all the men we need." + +LABORER--"Seems like you could take one more, the little bit of work +I'd do."--_Judge_. + + +FARMER--"I'll give you $5 a month and your board!" + +APPLICANT--"Aw, shucks! What do you think I am, a college graduate?" + + +Wilson Barrett used to tell an amusing story against himself. At a +time when he had a lot of workmen redecorating his private residence, +thinking to give them a treat, he asked if, after work one evening, +they would like to have seats to go and see him play in "The Lights o' +London," at the Princess's Theater. + +They said they didn't mind if they did, and being given complimentary +tickets, all went on a Saturday night to see their employer's +performance. + +At the end of the week Barrett's eye caught sight of this item against +each workman's name on the pay-sheet: "Saturday night. Four hours' +overtime at Princess's Theater, eight shillings." + + + + +LABOR-SAVING DEVICES + + +A New Orleans man tells of a visit he once made to a small, although +important, place on the Caribbean coast of Colombia. + +At that time, it appears, his knowledge of South America was limited, +and he viewed the sights with a keener interest than he does today. +While he was waiting for the train in which he was to travel to +Barranquilla, two peons went by with a wheelbarrow minus the wheel. +It was a contrivance with handles at both ends, and it required the +services of two men to move it. + +Turning to a steamer acquaintance, the American asked him if there +were no real wheelbarrows in the place. + +"Oh, no," replied the Colombian; "we use these ingenious devices so +that two men may do the work of one." + + + + +LADIES + + +_See_ Woman. + + + + +LANGUAGES + + +The oculist was examining the eyes of a patient from Jamaica. He +requested the patient to read the top line of the test card, the +letters of which ran N P R T V Z B D F H K O. The patient emitted +a spluttering sound. "Come, come," urged the doctor, "read the top +line." The patient frowned and spluttered again. The doctor was +slightly exasperated. "If you can't read it, just say so," he said. + +"Well, really, you know," replied the Jamaican, "the letters are +perfectly familiar, but I'm hanged if I know the language." + + +"Why have words roots, pa?" + +"To make the language grow, my child." + + + + +LAUGHTER + + +Every time a man laughs he takes a kink out of the chain of life. + + +"After all," said Kwoter, "it's a true saying that 'he laughs best who +laughs last.'" + +"Not at all," replied Wise. "The really true saying is: 'He laughs +best whose laugh lasts.'" + + + + +LAUNDRY + + +"Did the laundry man find those cuffs he lost last week?" + +"No, John." + +"The shirts are no good to me without the cuffs." + +"Evidently he figured it that way, too. This week he lost the shirts." + + + + +LAWS + + + The good need fear no law; + It is his safety, and the bad man's awe. + + --_Massinger_. + + +"Your case would have been stronger, Mr. McGuire," said the lawyer, +"if you had acted only on the defensive. But you struck first. If you +had let him strike you first you would have had the law on your side." + +"Yes," said McGuire. "Oi'd have had the law on my soide, but Oi'd have +had him on me stomach." + + +Congressman Hull, of Iowa, sent free seeds to a constituent in a +franked envelop, on the corner of which were the usual words, "Penalty +for private use, $300." A few days later he received a letter which +read: + +"I don't know what to do about those garden-seeds you sent me. I +notice it is $300 fine for private use. I don't want to use them for +the public. I want to plant them in my private garden. I can't afford +to pay $300 for the privilege. Won't you see if you can't fix it so I +can use them privately? I am a law-abiding citizen, and do not want to +commit any crime." + + + + +LAWYERS + + +LAWYER--"Are you aware, sir, that what you contemplate is illegal?" + +CLIENT--"Certainly. What do you suppose I came to consult you for?" + + +An Atlanta lawyer tells of a newly qualified judge in one of the +towns of the South who was trying one of his first criminal cases. The +prisoner was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He had been +in court before on a similar charge and was then acquitted. + +"Well Henry," observed the Judge, "I see you're in trouble again." + +"Yessuh," replied the negro. "De las' time, Jedge, you rec'lect, you +was mah lawyuh." + +"Where is your lawyer this time?" + +"I ain't got no lawyer dis time," said Henry. "Ah's gwine to tell de +troof." + + +"Pa, what is a retainer?" + +"What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my son." + +"Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter before you +get any gas." + + +After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who felt +like lynching him, his opponent, a grizzled old veteran, arose, looked +sweetly at the judge, and said: + +"Your honor, I will follow the example of my young friend who has just +finished, and submit the case without argument."--_Life_. + + +A Chicago business man, with many relatives, some of whom were +well-to-do but grasping, recently sought the services of his lawyer to +draw up his will. When, after much labor, the document was completed, +the client asked: + +"Have you fixed this thing, as I wished it, tight and strong?" + +"I have done my best," said the lawyer. + +"Well," continued the client, "I want to ask you another thing--not +professionally, however. As a friend, and man to man, who do you think +stands the best chance of getting the property when I am gone?" + + +The attorneys for the prosecution and defense had been allowed fifteen +minutes each to argue the case. The attorney for the defense had +commenced his argument with an allusion to the old swimming-hole of +his boyhood days. He told in flowery oratory of the balmy air, the +singing birds, the joy of youth, the delights of the cool water-- + +And in the midst of it he was interrupted by the drawling voice of the +judge: + +"Come out, Chauncey," he said, "and put on your clothes. Your fifteen +minutes are up." + + +It is related that when Judge Benjamin Toppan of Ohio, who died in +the early '70s, applied for admission to the bar of that state he was +asked just two questions. "Mr. Toppan, what is law?" was the first of +these. + +"An unjust distribution of justice," replied the applicant. + +"What is equity?" was the second. + +"A damned imposition upon common sense!" + +He was received into the brotherhood with open arms. + + +MAGNATE--"I give that lawyer ten thousand dollars a year to keep me +out of jail." + +"Oh, John! Please stop spending your money so foolishly."--_Life_. + + +When General Beck was a young lawyer a man was arraigned for murder +and had no counsel. + +"Mr. Beck," said the presiding judge, "take the prisoner into that +room at the rear of the court, hear his story, and give him the best +advice you can." + +Accordingly Beck disappeared with the prisoner, and in half an hour's +time returned into court--alone. + +"Where is the prisoner?" asked the judge. + +"Well," replied Beck, slowly, "I heard his story, and then I gave him +the best advice I could. I said: 'Prisoner, if I were you I'd get out +of that window and make tracks.' He slid down the water-pipe, and the +last I saw of him he was getting over a stone wall half a mile away." + + +"Smith certainly is a foxy fellow. He's drawn up his will in such a +way that the lawyers can't get more out of it than his own heirs." + +"How's that?" + +"Why, he left half his fortune to one of the best lawyers in the +country, provided he saw to it that the other half went to Smith's +children intact." + + +"I couldn't serve as a juror, judge. One look at that fellow convinces +me he's guilty." + +"Sh-h! That's the district attorney." + + +LITTLE WILLIE--"What is a lawyer, pa?" + +PA--"A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for +a fight, and then runs off with their clothes." + + +The following is told of a late railway magnate and a prominent +Philadelphia lawyer. + +Said the magnate to the lawyer--"I want you to show that this law is +unconstitutional. Do you think that you can manage it?" + +"Easily," answered the lawyer. + +"Well, go ahead and get familiar with the case." + +"I'm already at home in it. I know my ground perfectly. It's the same +law you had me prove was constitutional two years ago." + + +"Are you sure you can prove my client is crazy?" + +"Why, certainly," replied the eminent alienist. "And what is more, if +you are ever in trouble and need my services I'll do the same thing +for you." + + +The lawyer was endeavoring to pump some free advice out of the doctor. + +"Which side is it best to lie on, Doc?" + +"The side that pays you the retainer." + + +An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a shilling +subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of his funeral. Most +of the attorneys and barristers having subscribed, one of them applied +to Toler, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing his hope +that he would also subscribe his shilling. + +"Only a shilling!" said Toler; "only a shilling to bury an attorney! +Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them." + + +_See also_ Judges. + + + + +LAZINESS + + +"I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop," said the grower, +"and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering the place I +accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging about +the place cared for employment at good wages. + +"'I dunno,' said the mixer, 'yer better ask 'em.' + +"'Any of you men want to go to work?' I said. + +"There was a dead silence for a few moments, when one of the loafers +spoke up and queried, 'What doing, and what do yer pay?' + +"'Picking prunes,' I replied, 'and I pay three dollars a day and +board.' + +"'What kind of a place is it?' asked the garrulous one. + +"'It is an attractive rolling orchard,' I answered. + +"The I. W. W. spokesman rose from his chair, yawned, stretched +himself, and said, 'Well, roll her in here and let's see her, and +we'll tell yer if we wants the job.'" + + +A morning paper complains that "eggs ought to be more plentiful and +cheaper than they are at the present time." The number of hens to be +seen nowadays standing about doing nothing is certainly a scandal. + + +An American teacher undertook the task of convincing an indolent +native son of the Philippines that it was his duty to get out and +hustle. + +"But why should I work?" inquired the guileless Filipino. + +"In order to make money," declared the thrifty teacher. + +"But what do I want with money?" persisted the brown brother. + +"Why, when you get plenty of money you will be independent and will +not have to work any more," replied the teacher. + +"I don't have to work now," said the native--and the teacher gave it +up in disgust. + + +FIRST COCKY (on horseback)--"That cove ye've had wurrkin' for yer +arsked me fur a job this mornin'. Was he a steady chap Ryan?" + +SECOND COCKY--"He was. If he'd ha' bin inny stiddier he'd ha' bin +motionless." + + +"What sort of a chap is Bill to camp out with?" + +"He's one of those fellows who always takes down a mandolin about the +time it's up to somebody to get busy with the frying pan." + + +A camera man who had ventured without permission to take some pictures +on a farm for the educational department of a film company was met +unexpectedly by the owner of the farm and hastened to explain his +presence there. "I've just been taking a few moving pictures of life +on your farm," he said. + +"Have you?" the old farmer responded. "And did you catch my hired man +in motion?" + +"Sure I did," the man assured him. + +"You did!" the farmer exclaimed. Then he shook his head reflectively. +"Well, well," he remarked, "science is a wonderful thing." + + + + +LEAGUE OF NATIONS + + +"Why do you object to the League of Nations?" + +"On musical grounds. After singing 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee,' all +these years, I don't want the mental effort of changing to 'Our +Countries, Tis of Those.'" + + +FOR SALE--"League of Nations." Several pages missing; binding gone in +spots. Damaged by fire and water. Valuable historical document. Author +now unknown. As is. + + + + +LEAP YEAR + + + _A Modern Leap-Year Song_ + + Ah, me! why should I marry me? + Lovers are plenty, but fortunes are few + Why lose wages that carry me + Better by far than a husband could do? + Fond youth, calmly I'm viewing you, + Steeling a heart that might flutter and throb: + I've no thought of pursuing you; + Poverty's stupid--I'll stick to my job. + + + + +LEFT HANDEDNESS + + +Pat, who was left-handed, was being sworn in as a witness in the West +Side Court of Denver, Colo. + +"Hold up your right hand," said the judge. Up went Pat's left hand. + +"Hold up your right hand," commanded the judge, sternly. + +"Sure and I am, yer honor," declared Pat. "Me right hand's on me +left-hand side." + + + + +LEGISLATION + + +"Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or anything +like that?" + +"No," replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of them. If I +have any lingering vices I feel that I need only wait for somebody to +introduce legislation that will make them impossible." + + + + +LEGISLATORS + + +"Do you think we are happier for the conveniences of telegraph and +telephone?" + +"Not always," replied Senator Sorghum. "It would be a great comfort +to be able to make a speech that exactly agrees with your audience +without its being placed immediately before people all over the +country who may not feel the same way about it." + + +"Senator, you promised me a job." + +"But there are no jobs." + +"I need a job, Senator." + +"Well, I'll ask for a commission to investigate as to why there are no +jobs and you can get a job on that." + + + + +LEISURE + + +THE CHILD--"Mother, what is 'leisure'?" + +THE MOTHER--"It's the spare time a woman has in which she can do some +other kind of work, dearie." + + + + +LIARS + + +The teacher was telling her class a long, highly embellished story +of Santa Claus, and the mirth of Willie Jones eventually got entirely +beyond his control. + +"Willie," said the teacher sternly, "what did I whip you for +yesterday?" + +"Fer lyin'," promptly answered Willie; "an' I was jest wonderin' who +was goin' to whip you." + + +He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes, for +he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain one.--_Pope_. + + +A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a +dog of doubtful pedigree. + +"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked, with fatherly interest. + +"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells +the biggest one gets the purp." + +"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I never +thought of telling an untruth." + +"Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister." + + +A man may tell the same lie about the same thing to the same man seven +times seven, and be accounted truthful. Let him vary in but the merest +detail and he is a liar. Such is the patent gullibility of a too +conscientious world. + + +An evangelist who was conducting services announced that on the +following evening he would speak on the subject of "Liars." He advised +his hearers to read in advance the seventeenth chapter of Mark. + +The next night he arose and said: "I am going to preach on 'Liars' +tonight and I would like to know how many read the chapter I +suggested." A hundred hands were upraised. + +"Now," he said, "you are the very persons I want to talk to--there +isn't any seventeenth chapter of Mark." + + +A Sunday school teacher asked a small girl the other day why Ananias +was so severely punished. The little one thought a minute, then +answered: "Please, teacher, they weren't so used to lying in those +days." + + +"Does your husband ever lie to you?" + +"Never." + +"How do you know?" + +"He tells me that I do not look a day older than I did when he married +me, and if he doesn't lie about that, I don't think he would about +less important matters." + + +"Do you really mean to call me a liar?" asked one rival railroad man +of another railroad man, during a dispute on business they had on +Austin Avenue yesterday. + +"No, Colonel, I don't mean to call you a liar. On the contrary, I say +you are the only man in town who tells the truth all the time, but I'm +offering a reward of $25 and a chromo to any other man who will say he +believes me when I say you never lie," was the response. + +"Well, I'm glad you took it back," replied the other party, as they +shook.--_A. E. Sweet_. + + +_See also_ Husband; Real estate agents; Regrets. + + + + +LIBERTY BONDS + + +"We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all goods." + +Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor house. We +have often wondered what the height of damphoolishness might be, +having tried various things, but there it is: Exchanging a Liberty +Bond for booze. + + + + +LIBRARIANS + + + _The Reference Librarian_ + + At times behind a desk he sits, + At times about the room he flits-- + Folks interrupt his perfect ease + By asking questions such as these: + "How tall was prehistoric man?" + "How old, I pray, was Sister Ann?" + + +"Perhaps," commented her husband's bookish friend, "you should be +thankful you did not find him with his nose in 'The Inside of the +Cup!'" + + + "What should one do if cats have fits?" + "What woman first invented mitts?" + "Who said 'To labor is to pray?'" + "How much did Daniel Lambert weigh?" + "Don't you admire E. P. Roe?" + "What is the fare to Kokomo?" + "Have you a life of Sairy Gamp?" + "Can you lend me a postage-stamp?" + "Have you the rimes of Edward Lear?" + "What wages do they give you here?" + "What dictionary is the best?" + "Did Brummell wear a satin vest?" + "How do you spell 'anemic,' please?" + "What is a Gorgonzola cheese?" + "Who ferried souls across the Styx?" + "What is the square of 96?" + "Are oysters good to eat in March?" + "Are green bananas full of starch?" + "Where is that book I used to see?" + "I guess you don't remember me?" + "Haf you Der Hohenzollernspiel?" + "Where shall I put this apple peel?" + "Ou est, m'sie, la grand Larousse?" + "Do you say 'two-spot,' or 'the deuce'?" + "Come, find my book--why make a row?" + "A _red_ one--can't you find it _now_?" + "Please, which is right? to 'lend' or 'loan'?" + "Say, mister, where's the telephone?" + "How _do_ you use this catalog?" + "Oh, hear that noise! Is that my dog?" + "Have you a book called 'Shapes of Fear'?" + "You mind if I leave baby here?" + + --_Edmund Lester Pearson_ + + +It was at the public library. A small shaver clutched a well-worn, +dirty volume. At last it came his turn to place his volume for the +inspection of the librarian. The suspense was great, but finally +the librarian leaned forward. Taking in the size of the boy and then +glancing back at the book she remarked, "This is rather technical, +isn't it?" + +Planting his feet firmly on the floor, the boy, half-defiant, +half-apologetic, retorted, "It was that way when I got it, ma'am." + + +"My husband is a most inveterate reader," exclaimed Mrs. Knox with a +slight tone of ennui. "He reads until dawn every morning. Why, last +night I found him asleep with his nose in 'V.V.'s Eyes!'" + + + _Toast to Librarians_ + + Said the "maker of books" to the "keeper of books," + Yours is the task to hold + The choice of the changeable minds of men + To that which is pure gold. + + Yours to watch at the ebb and flow + The tides of the public thought-- + Flotsam or jetsam floating in + With the treasure genius brought. + + For the unperishable dream of the soul lives on, + As the dream of genius must, + When the brain which wrought and the hand that wrote + Are one with the "daisied dust." + + And so with reverent hands may you give + To the minds of men in their need, + The written word that's the word worth while, + So keepers of books--God speed! + + + _Do You Believe In Fairies?_ + + The world is full of people + Who are under the impression + That libr'ry work in general + Is the easiest profession. + + "Such nice clean work!" says So-and-So, + "And such nice hours too!" + "Why, really now," exclaims a girl, + "I don't see what you do." + "Just sitting reading all the books + 'Most all the livelong day. + Don't tell me now that just for this + The city gives you pay!" + + And no one ever stops to think + Why it's so quiet there. + While they're just sitting at their ease + In some nice easy chair. + And how the books got on the shelves + In just the right, right place, + Nor how the "chief" keeps track of each, + And with a smiling face. + + Oh, mercy no, they seem to think + Some fairy passed that way + With books from many publishers + And when she'd said, "Good day," + She catalogued them in a night, + And with a bit of glue, + Stuck in the pages that were loose, + And mended old ones too. + + And that she dusted all the shelves, + And kept the records straight; + So when the year came to an end, + She would not be too late + In handing in a full report + Of just what had been done. + (And "full" comprises everything + That's underneath the sun). + + Oh yes, you'll find them everywhere, + Deluded as can be + In thinking libr'ry work's a "cinch," + And looking longingly + At someone's "easy libr'ry job" + "With not a thing to do!" + But tell me, do you libr'yites + Believe in fairies too? + + --_H.I.B. in the Use of Print_. + + +A certain woman who came in to take out a card, upon being told she +must give the name of a friend as reference said, "Why, I have no +friends. I was a librarian." + + +_See also_ Books and reading. + + + + +LIBRARIES + + +_The Power-House_ + +Every day I go past the Library on Ludlow Street + +I look in the open windows and see the great dynamos. + +They have power enough to jazz the earth and throw the planets out of +step, but they make no sound. + +I saw a girl with shell goggles dusting some of them, + +Unterrified by her proximity to such dangerous engines. + +Look out, child, look out, don't get too near the Bernard Shaw +rheostat or the Walt Whitman fly-wheel.--_Christopher Morley_. + + + +"May I take this book home please, or isn't it a _running_ book? Oh, +I'm so glad, I thought it might be 'for reference only.'" + + +MAN--"I'd like a book on dramatic expression." + +LIBRARIAN--"Oral, of course?" + +MAN--"Yes, I don't like poetry." + + + + +LIES + + +Sin has many tools but a lie is the handle that fits them all.--_O.W. +Holmes_. + + + + +LIFE + +As viewed by the + +OPTIMIST PESSIMIST + +Love Lies +Independence Ingratitude +Fun Foolishness +Endeavor Exertion + + +In traveling along a road in a motor car, there will be several cars +ahead of you going your way, and there will be several cars coming +toward you. Also ahead of you, going your way, there may be a hay +wagon or a farmer in a buggy. As you speed along, you look ahead and +declare to yourself that there is no logical way in which you can +get through the spaces thus created. Yet the vehicles always form +themselves into the right combination, and you pass through easily. +This is the way with life. There are always obstacles that you do not +see how you can pass without a smash-up. But you always get by. + + +"Stop, look, listen!" + +The reflective man stopped to read the railroad warning. + +"Those three words illustrate the whole scheme of life," said he. + +"How?" + +"You see a pretty girl; you stop; you look; after you marry her, and +for the rest of your life, you listen." + + + _The Magician_ + + Life has such a subtle way + Of forming roses out of clay; + + Of taking tears that seemed in vain + And making of them April rain; + + Of getting from a heedless rafter + Echoes of dead bits of laughter; + + Of welding in a sunset sea + Lost loveliness and imagery; + + Of making out of crawling things + Butterflies with airy wings. + + Life has such a subtle way + Of turning darkness into day; + + Of bringing music, ocean-old, + To newness of a tale untold; + + And then, grown jealous of its trust, + Of changing roses back to dust. + + --_Vivian Yeiser Laramore_. + + +Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. +Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon +as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, begin it well and serenely, and +with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This +day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and +invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays.--_Emerson_. + + + _Life Is No Problem_ + + Life is no problem to the heart + That understands itself, + That does not sit above, apart + Upon some higher shelf. + + And moralize on destiny + And other things obscure, + But has no more philosophy + Than changeless love and pure. + + Life is no problem to the mind + That knows the way to live + The habit just of being kind, + The joy of just to give. + + Life is no mystery at all + To those who do not doubt + But take this life as life befall + And smile and live it out. + + Do not with theories concern + Yourself as on you go; + There is but little we can learn, + But little we can know. + + Life is to live, to take the sweet + The hidden fates have sent, + To live each day the day you meet + And try to be content. + + So do not seek to tear the veil + And read the heart of God. + Enough that He is in the gale + And in the velvet sod. + + Enough that He has given you + The boon of days and years, + The world of green, the sky of blue, + And sunshine after tears. + + --_Douglas Mallock_. + + + _The Match Box_ + + Life is a Match Box, and the Matches + Ambitions, and unstruck desires; + Youth the material that catches + And kindles in the darkness fires. + + And Love is like an idle fellow + Who sets the match box in a blaze, + And sees the blue flames and the yellow + Shoot up and die beneath his gaze. + + But Age is like a man returning + Late homeward. Creeping in his socks + He tries to get a candle burning, + And finds he has an empty box. + + +The seven ages of man have been well tabulated by somebody or other on +an acquisitive basis. Thus: + +First age--Sees the earth. + +Second age--Wants it. + +Third age--Hustles to get it. + +Fourth age--Decides to be satisfied with only half of it. + +Fifth age--Becomes still more moderate. + +Sixth age--Now content to possess a six-by-two strip of it. + +Seventh age--Gets the strip. + + + _Wisdom_ + + When I have ceased to break my wings + Against the faultiness of things, + And learned that compromises wait + Behind each hardly opened gate, + When I can look life in the eyes + Grown calm and very coldly wise, + Life will have given me the Truth + And taken in exchange--My Youth. + + --_Sara Teasdale_. + + + + +LISPING + + +A young lady who lisped very badly was treated by a specialist, +and learned to say the sentence: "Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts for +Soldiers." + +She repeated it to her friends, and was praised upon her masterly +performance. + +"Yeth, but ith thuth an ectheedingly difficult remark to work into a +converthathion--ethpethially when you conthider that I have no thither +Thuthie." + + + + +LOGIC + + +"Sedentary work," said the college lecturer, "tends to lessen the +endurance." + +"In other words," butted in the smart student, "the more one sits the +less one can stand." + +"Exactly," retorted the lecturer; "and if one lies a great deal one's +standing is lost completely." + + +Two men were hotly discussing the merits of a book. Finally, one +of them, himself an author, said to the other: "No, John, you can't +appreciate it. You never wrote a book yourself." + +"No," retorted John, "and I never laid an egg, but I'm a better judge +of an omelet than any hen." + + + + +LONDON + + +A teacher asked her class to write an essay on London. She was +surprised to read the following in one attempt: + +"The people of London are noted for their stupidity." + +The young author was asked how he got that idea. + +"Please, miss," was the reply, "it says in the text-books the +population of London is very dense." + + +"Hiram writes that the first day he was in London he lost L12." + +"Great Caesar's ghost! Ain't they got any health laws in that town?" + + + + +LOST AND FOUND + + +OLD GENTLEMAN (in street car)--"Has anyone here dropped a roll of +bills, with a rubber elastic around them?" + +"Yes, I have!" cried a dozen at once. + +OLD GENTLEMAN (calmly)--"Well, I've just picked up the elastic." + + +"Cohn, I've lost my pocketbook." + +"Have you looked by your pockets?" + +"Sure, all but der left-hand hip pocket." + +"Vell, vy don't you look in dot?" + +"Because if it ain't dere I'll drop dead!" + + +The following exchange of courtesy was recently chronicled in a German +paper's advertisements: + +"The gentleman who found a brown purse, containing a sum of money, in +the Blumenstrasse, is requested to forward it to the address of the +loser, as he is recognized." + +A couple of days later appeared the response, which, altho courteous, +had an elusive air, to say the least: + +"The recognized gentleman who picked up a brown purse in the +Blumenstrasse requests the loser to call at his house at a convenient +day." + + +A small boy came hurriedly down the street, and halted breathlessly in +front of a stranger going in the same direction. + +"Have you lost half a crown?" he asked with his hand in his pocket. + +"Y-es, yes, I believe I have!" said the stranger feeling in his +pockets. "Have you found one?" + +"Oh, no," said the small boy. "I just want to see how many have been +lost today. Yours makes fifty-four!" + + +The young lady from New York was inclined to belittle things. + +"Why," she remarked, "I could find my way up this mountain path +alone." + +"Wal," responded the native, "a young couple went up this path last +year and never came back." + +"Oh, my! Were they lost?" + +"Nope," was the reply, "they went down the other side!" + + +The other day when the beach was crowded, a small boy, looking rather +bewildered, approached a police officer and said, "Please, sir, have +you seen anything of a lady around here?" + +"Why, yes," answered the officer, "I've seen several." + +"Well, have you seen any without a little boy?" + +"Yes." + +"Well," said the little chap, as a relieved look crossed his face, +"I'm the little boy. Where's the lady?" + + +One does not mean to be personal, but, if the young man who sat in +the chair where a lady had left a dish of maple sugar to cool at +the festival the other evening, will return the saucer, he will save +himself further trouble. + + + + +LOVE + + + _Outwitted_ + + He drew a circle that shut me out + Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. + But Love and I had the wit to win, + We drew a circle that took him in. + + --_Edwin Markham_. + + +DAUGHTER--"Oh, father, how grand it is to be alive! The world is too +good for anything. Why isn't every one happy?" + +FATHER--"Who is he this time?" + + +EDITH--"How does Fred make love?" + +MARIE--"Well, I should define it as unskilled labor." + + +MAG.--"Wot is 'platonic affection,' Liz? Is it love?" + +LIZ.--"Well, no;--it ain't _true_ love! Dere ain't no quarreling in +it, ner no fighting, ner worrying, ner hocking, ner drinking, +ner getting arrested fer non-support, ner _nuthin'_ wot's really +passionate!" + + + _Why_ + + Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare + Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles? + Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair? + Why an ostrich will travel for miles? + Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry + And weep o'er a ribbon or glove? + Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie? + Do you know? Well, I'll tell you--it's Love. + + --_H.P. Stevens_. + + +PAPA--"Why, hang it, girl, that fellow only earns nine dollars a +week!" + +PLEADING DAUGHTER--"Yes; but, daddy, dear, a week passes so quickly +when you're fond of one another."--_Judge_. + + +"Love makes the world go 'round," quoted the Parlor Philosopher. + +"Yes, but it has to be cranked," replied the Mere Man. "It isn't a +self-starter." + + + _Cupid_ + + Why was Cupid a boy, + And why a boy was he? + He should have been a girl, + For aught that I can see. + + For he shoots with his bow, + And a girl shoots with her eye; + And they both are merry and glad, + And laugh when we do cry. + + Then to make Cupid a boy + Was surely a woman's plan, + For a boy never learns so much + Till he has become a man. + + And then he's so pierced with cares, + And wounded with arrowy smarts, + That the whole business of his life + Is to pick out the heads of the darts. + + --_William Blake_. + + +Partake of love as a temperate man partakes of wine: do not become +intoxicated.--_A. de Musset_. + + + + +LUCK + + +VICAR--"Nothing to be thankful for! Why, think of poor old Hodge +losing his wife through the flu!" + +GILES--"Well, that don't do me no good. I ain't Hodge." + + + Good luck is the gayest of all gay girls; + Long in one place she will not stay: + Back from your brow she strokes the curls, + Kisses you quick and flies away. + + But Madame Bad Luck soberly comes + And stays--no fancy has she for flitting; + Snatches of true-love songs she hums, + And sits by your bed, and brings her knitting. + + --_John Hay_. + + +YOUNG SON--"What is luck, father?" + +FATHER--"Luck, my son, is something that enables another fellow to +succeed where we have failed." + + + + +MAGAZINES + + +_History of the Magazine Story_ + +July 27, 1914--Author finishes it. + +Aug. 3, 1914--Rewrites, giving incidental war slant. + +May 9, 1915--Rewrites; hero rescues heroine from torpedoed liner. + +Apr. 7, 1917--Rewrites; hero enlists; villain, German spy. + +Nov. 13, 1918--Rewrites; denouement, allied entrance into Berlin; +heroine, Red Cross nurse. + +Nov. 13, 1918--Rewrites; climax, homecoming from overseas. + +Aug. 15, 1919--War fiction going stale; goes back to original story, +retaining only German villain. + +Jan. 1, 1923--Rewrites; takes out German villain. + +Apr. 1, 1934--Author in old people's home; sells original story to +Cozy Hearth; editor features it as "charming romance of life before +the war." + + +EDITOR (surveying summer landscape)--"Season of mists and mellow +fruitfulness, close bosom friend of the maturing sun!" + +FRIEND--"But, I say, that was written about autumn, wasn't it?" + +EDITOR--"Yes, yes, I know--but you must remember that we always go to +press four months in advance!" + + +It was the first of January when a stranger entered the offices of +Pushup's Monthly Magazine. + +"Gracious, but it is hot in here!" he remarked to a man in his shirt +sleeves, who was mopping his face with a handkerchief. + +"Some," was the terse reply of the man, who was no other than the +famous editor himself. + +"What are all those flowers, straw hats and palm-leaf fans scattered +about for?" + +"Oh, to give a touch of realism;--we are now preparing our +great Midsummer Fiction Number," was the great editor's kindly +reply.--_E.C.H_. + + + + +MAJORITY + + +"You don't mean to tell me you ever doubt the wisdom of the majority?" + +"Well," responded Senator Sorghum with deliberation, "what is a +majority? In many instances it is only a large number of people who +have got tired out trying to think for themselves and have decided to +accept somebody else's opinion." + + + + +MARKSMANSHIP + + +"Why do you compare my marksmanship with lightning?" asked the +recruit. + +"Because," replied the instructor, "it never hits twice in the same +place." + + +OFFICER (to recruit)--"Goodness gracious, man, where are all your +shots going? Every one has missed the target." + +SOLDIER (nervously)--"I don't know, sir. They left here all right." + + + + +MARRIAGE + + +"Hubby, if I were to die would you marry again?" + +"That question is hardly fair, my dear." + +"Why not?" + +"If I were to say yes you wouldn't like it, and to say never again +wouldn't sound nice." + + +THE PHRENOLOGIST--"Yes, sir, by feeling the bumps on your head I can +tell exactly what sort of man you are." + +MR. DOOLAN--"Oi belave it will give ye more ov an oidea wot sort ov a +woman me woife is."--_Jack Canuck_. + + +Private Nelson got his leave, and made what he conceived to be the +best use of his holiday by getting married. + +On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage +certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket. + +The official studied it carefully, and then said: + +"Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long journey, but not on this +road." + + +NORTH--"I see they're reviving the talk about trial marriages. Do you +believe in them?" + +WEST--"Well, mine is quite a trial, but I can't say I believe in it +especially." + + +A young fellow took his elderly father to a football match. + +"Father," he said as they took their seats, "you'll see more +excitement for your five dollars than you ever saw before." + +"Oh, I don't know," grunted the old man; "five dollars was all I paid +for my marriage license." + + +George Washington Jones, colored, was trying to enlist in Uncle +Sam's army, and the following conversation ensued with the recruiting +officer: + +"Name?" + +"George Washington Jones, sah." + +"Age?" + +"I'se twenty-seven years old, sah." + +"Married?" + +"No, sah. Dat scar on mah haid is whar a mule done kicked me." + + + If marriage is a lottery, + As saw smiths often say, + The lucky gambler is, of course, + The one who doesn't play. + + --_Tennyson J. Daft_. + + +At the wedding reception the young man remarked: "Wasn't it annoying +the way that baby cried during the whole ceremony?" + +"It was simply dreadful," replied the prim little maid of honor; "and +when I get married I'm going to have engraved right in the corner of +the invitations: 'No babies expected.'" + + +"The man who gives in when he is wrong," said the street orator, "is a +wise man; but he who gives in when he is right is--" + +"Married!" said a meek voice in the crowd. + + +Mrs. Killifer desired that the picture be hung to the right of the +door; Mr. Killifer wanted it hung to the left. For once the husband +proved to be the more insistent of the two, and Henry, the colored +man, was summoned to hang the picture according to Mr. Killifer's +order. + +Henry drove in a nail on the left. This done, he also drove one in the +wall on the right. + +"Why are you driving that second nail?" asked Mr. Killifer. + +"Why, boss, dat's to save me de trouble of bringin' de ladder tomorrow +when you come round to de missus's way of thinkin'," said Henry. + + +Mr. Brown met Mr. Jones on the street. + +"Any news, Brown?" asked Jones. + +"Nothing special. I've just been reading the Sunday paper. And I find +one peculiar thing in it that may be news to you." + +"What is it?" + +"The Sunday paper says that women in ancient Egypt used to act as +they pleased, live as they pleased, and dress as they pleased, without +regard to what the men thought. Lucky we don't live in those times, +what?" + +"Mr. Brown, are you married?" + +"What has that got to do with it? As a matter of fact, I'm not." + +"I thought not." + + +"She calls her dog and her husband by the same pet name. It must cause +frequent confusion." + +"Not at all. She always speaks gently to the dog." + + +"Pa, a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?" + +"We are told so, my son." + +"Then if a man marries twice there isn't anything left of him, is +there?" + + +_How the Row Started_ + +MR. BROWN--"I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw +another man running off with you." + +MRS. BROWN--"And what did you say to him?" + +MR. BROWN--"I asked him what he was running for." + + +Uncle Josh was comfortably lighting his pipe in the living-room one +evening when Aunt Maria glanced up from her knitting. + +"John," she remarked, "do you know that next Sunday will be the +twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?" + +"You don't say so, Maria!" responded Uncle Josh, pulling vigorously on +his corncob pipe. "What about it?" + +"Nothing," answered Aunt Maria, "only I thought maybe we ought to kill +them two Rhode Island Red chickens." + +"But, Maria," demanded Uncle Josh, "how can you blame them two Rhode +Island Reds for what happened twenty-five years ago?" + + +GARDENER--"I am going to leave, sir. I can't stand the Missus!" + +EMPLOYER--"Too strict, is she?" + +GARDENER--"Yes, sir. She keeps forgetting that I can leave any time, +and bosses me about just as if I was you!" + + +"Get away from here or I'll call my husband," threatened the +hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food. + +"Oh, no, you won't," replied the tramp, "because he ain't home." + +"How do you know?" asked the woman. + +"Because," answered the man as he sidled toward the gate, "a man who +marries a woman like you is only home at meal times." + + +FRIENDLY CONSTABLE--"Come, come, sir, pull yourself together; your +wife's calling you." + +CONVIVIAL GENT--"Wha' she call-calling me; Billy or William?" + +CONSTABLE--"William, sir." + +CONVIVIAL GENT--"Then I'm not going home." + + +HUSBAND (angrily)--"What! no supper ready? This is the limit! I'm +going to a restaurant." + +WIFE--"Wait just five minutes." + +HUSBAND--"Will it be ready then?" + +WIFE--"No, but then I'll go with you." + + +"Why have I never married?" the old bachelor said in reply to a +leading question. "Well, once upon a time, in a crowd, I trod on a +lady's gown. She turned furiously, beginning, 'You clumsy brute!' Then +she smiled sweetly and said, 'Oh, I beg pardon! I thought you were my +husband! No; it really doesn't matter in the least.' + +"And when I came to think it over, I decided that maybe I'd just as +well let marriage alone." + + +"I hear the sea captain is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran +away from him." + +"Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper." + + +FORTUNE-TELLER--"You wish to know about your future husband?" + +CUSTOMER--"No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for +future use." + + +"Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?" + +"Exactly. I remember just how I used to act when I first fell in love +with her. I used to lean over the fence in front of her house and gaze +at her shadow on the curtain, afraid to go in. And I act just the same +way now when I get home late." + + +"Marriage is a lottery." + +"Not exactly," commented Miss Cayenne. "When you lose in a lottery +it's an easy matter to tear up the ticket and forget it." + + +Lightning knocked over three men who were sitting on boxes in front of +Sawyer's store yesterday. One of them was knocked senseless; the other +two exclaimed, "Leggo! I'm comin' right home." + + +TEACHER--"In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man should +have only one wife?" + +LITTLE BOY--"I guess it's the part that says that no man can serve +more than one master." + + +The trouble with most marriages is that a man always makes the mistake +of marrying the woman who carries him off his feet--instead of trying +to find one who will keep him on them. + + +CONDUCTOR (to passenger of Pullman)--"Excuse me, sir. Is this lady +your wife?" + +PASSENGER--"I don't know. It depends upon what State we are passing +through."--_Life_. + + +"I'm thinking of getting married, pa. What's it like?" + +"You had a job as janitor once, didn't you?" + +"Yes." + +"And you had a position as watchman once, didn't you?" + +"And you worked a while as a caretaker, didn't you?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, it's a combination of all three jobs--and then some." + + +The archbishop had preached a fine sermon on married life and +its beauties. Two old Irishwomen were heard coming out of church +commenting on the address. + +"'Tis a fine sermon his Riverence would be after giving us," said one +to the other. + +"It is, indade," was the quick reply, "and I wish I knew as little +about the matter as he does."--_Life_. + + +A young Swede appeared at the county judge's office and asked for a +license. + +"What kind of a license?" asked the judge. "A hunting license?" + +"No," was the answer. "Aye tank aye bane hunting long enough. Aye want +marriage license." + + +The young man sidled into the jeweler's shop with a furtive air. He +handed the jeweler a ring with the stammered statement that he wished +it marked "with some names." + +"What names do you wish?" inquired the jeweler in a sympathetic tone. + +"From Henry to Clara," the young man blushingly whispered. + +The jeweler looked from the ring to the young man, and said in a +fatherly manner: "Take my advice, young man, and have it engraved +simply, 'From Henry.'" + + +JUDGE--"The police say that you and your wife had some words." + +PRISONER--"I had some, but didn't get a chance to use them."--_Puck_. + + +At the end of three weeks of married life, a Southern darky returned +to the minister who had performed the ceremony and asked for a +divorce. After explaining that he could not grant divorces, the +minister tried to dissuade his visitor from carrying out his intention +of getting one saying: + +"You must remember, Sam, that you promised to take Liza for better or +for worse." + +"Yassir, I knows dat, boss," rejoined the darky; "but--but she's wuss +dan I took her for." + + +In one of the big base hospitals of the Army not long ago a new +librarian was set to work by the American Library Association. She +was a very charming young woman, and very anxious to please all of her +"customers," tho some of them didn't even wish to look at a book. In +her rounds she approached one of the patients and he declined to be +interested in her wares. At the next cot she stopped and offered its +occupant a book. + +"What's it about?" the patient asked. + +"Oh, this is 'Bambi,'" said the librarian. "It's about a girl who +married a man without his having anything to say about it." + +"Hold on there," shouted the man who had declined all books. He raised +himself up on his elbow and reached out his hand. "Give me that book. +It's my autobiography." + + +Miss SNOWFLAKE--"What did Jim Jackson git married for?" + +Miss WASHTUBB--"Lawd only knows;--he keeps right on workin'!" + + +The beautiful young woman interviewed a fortune-teller on the usual +subjects. + +"Lady," said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands, and the +courts of kings and queens. You will conquer all rivals and marry +the man of your choice. He will be tall and dark and aristocratic +looking." + +"And young?" interrupted the lady. + +"Yes, and very rich." + +The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and pressed them +hard. + +"Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How shall I get +rid of my present husband?" + + +Miss Milly was rather a talkative young lady. Her bosom friend, having +missed her for some time, called to find out the reason. + +"No, mum, Miss Milly is not in," the maid informed her. + +"She has gone to the class." + +"Why, what class?" inquired the caller in surprize. + +"Well, mum, you know Miss Milly is getting married soon, so she's +taking a course of lessons in domestic silence." + + +Mrs. Peavish says that if it were to do over again, no man need ever +ask for her hand until he had shown his. + + +In London they tell of a certain distinguished statesman who is an +optimist on all points save marriage. + +One afternoon this statesman was proceeding along a country road +when he saw a cottager eating his supper alone in the road before his +dwelling. + +"Why, Henry," asked the statesman, "why are you eating out here +alone?" + +"Well, sir, er--" the man stammered, "the--er--chimney smokes." + +"That's too bad," said the statesman, his philanthropic sentiments at +once being aroused. "I'll have it fixed for you. Let's have a look at +it." + +And before the cottager could stay him the statesman proceeded to +enter the cottage. As soon as he had opened the door a broomstick fell +upon his shoulders and a woman's voice shrieked: + +"Back here again, are you, you old rascal! Clear out with you, or +I'll--" + +The statesman retired precipitately. The cottager sat in the road +shaking his head in sorrow and embarrassment. The statesman bent over +him, and laid his hand in kindly fashion on his arm. + +"Never mind, Henry," said he, consolingly, "my chimney smokes +sometimes, too."--_Harper's_. + + +NODD--"Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to dinner with +you?" + +TODD--"Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I argued with her +about it this morning for nearly half an hour."--_Life_. + + +A recent experience of a Virginia clergyman throws light on the old +English law requiring that marriages should be celebrated before noon. +A colored couple appeared before him, asking to be married, the man in +a considerably muddled state. The minister said to the woman, "I won't +perform this ceremony." + +"Why is dat, boss?" she queried. "Ain't de license all right? An' we +is of age." + +"Yes, but the man is drunk. Take him away and come back again." +Several days later the couple again presented themselves, the man once +more obviously intoxicated. "See here, I told you I wouldn't marry you +when this man was drunk," the minister said testily. "Don't you come +back here till he's sober." + +"Well, you see, suh," the woman replied apologetically, "de trufe is +dat he won't come less'n he's lit up." + + +"Well," cried Mrs. Henpeck, "our son is engaged to be married. We will +write to the dear lad and congratulate him." + +Mr. Henpeck agreed (he dare not do otherwise), and his wife picked up +the pen. + +"My darling boy," read the son; "what glorious news! Your father and I +rejoice in your happiness. It has long been our greatest wish that you +should marry some good woman. A good woman is Heaven's most precious +gift to man. She brings out all the best in him and helps him to +suppress all that is evil." + +Then there was a postscript in a different handwriting: + +"Your mother has gone for a stamp. Keep single, you young +noodle."--_Judge_. + + +"Women always have and always will keep men guessing," declares the +Wathena (Kan.) Times. "A Wathena merchant employed a homely girl +because he thought he could keep her. Within a few months a young man +married her for the same reason." + + +A prominent New York debutante recently ordered "four seats on the +aisle" at the theater. When her party arrived at the performance, they +were surprised to find themselves arranged in a column instead of a +row. Nothing daunted, the debutante turned to a bored, middle-aged +man next to her. Surely he would not mind changing with her friend in +front. + +"I beg your pardon," she said politely. + +No reply. He must be deaf. + +"I beg your pardon," she repeated louder. + +Still no reply. + +"I beg your pardon," she said, bumping his elbow. + +He took out a pencil and wrote on his program: + +"That's my wife on the other side of me. Safety first." + + +Man puts up with marriage in order to get a certain girl--a girl puts +up with a certain man in order to get married. + + +In the old days man used to marry woman for a dot--now he marries her +for a period. + + +Marriage may be likened to a subscription to a favorite magazine--it +is something that should be renewed each year if it is not to expire. + + +A married woman said to her husband: "You have never taken me to the +cemetery." + +"No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in +anticipation." + + +A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses of +a soiled pink silk shirt, with a rubber collar, approached and in +confiding tones asked for a book for a "widow past 50 who is thinking +of getting married." The assistant proceeded to inquire as to what +kind of a story he thought she might like. "Oh," he said, "what I want +is a story that will kind o' cheer her up." + + +_See also_ Domestic finance; Husbands; Leap year. + + + + +MASCOTS + + +"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?" + +"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thought +it was a mouse." + + + + +MATHEMATICS + + +_See_ Arithmetic. + + + + +MATRIMONY + + +_See_ Marriage. + + + + +MEASURING INSTRUMENTS + + +A two-foot rule was given to a laborer in a Clyde boat-yard to measure +an iron plate. The laborer not being well up in the use of the rule, +after spending considerable time, returned. + +"Now, Mick," asked the plater, "what size is the plate?" + +"Well," replied Mick, with a grin of satisfaction, "it's the length +of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick and +the breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, bar a +finger."--_Everybody's_. + + + + +MEDALS + + +A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a +very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. +Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that +medal for eating, my man?" + +On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the +deuce do you wear it on your stomach?" + + + + +MEDICAL ETHICS + + +Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill. A doctor was +summoned, but directly he arrived and got one look at his patient he +said, "Sorry, but you'll have to call another doctor." + +"Am I as sick as all that?" gasped the attorney. + +"No, but you're the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was called +to give expert testimony in a certain case. Now my conscience won't +permit me to kill you, but I'm darned if I care to cure you. Good +day." + + + + +MEDICINE + + +DOCTOR--"What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before going +to bed." + +PATIENT--"Why doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before +going to bed." + +DOCTOR (with dignity)--"Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has +made enormous strides since then." + + +GIRL (to druggist)--"Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so as the +oil won't taste?" + +DRUGGIST--"Certainly! Won't you have a glass of soda while waiting?" +(She drinks the soda.) + +DRUGGIST--"Something else, miss?" + +GIRL--"No, just the oil." + +DRUGGIST--"But you have just drank it." + +GIRL--"Oh! It was for my mother." + + +"Are you of the opinion, James," asked a slim-looking man of his +companion, "that Dr. Smith's medicine does any good?" + +"Not unless you follow the directions." + +"What are the directions?" + +"Keep the bottle tightly corked." + + + + +MEMORY + + +Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to remember to +forget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the more memory insists. + + +"So you really think your memory is improving under treatment. You +remember things now?" + +"Well, not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can frequently +remember that I have forgotten something, if I could only remember +what it is." + + +A school-teacher who had been telling a class of small pupils the +story of discovery of America by Columbus, ended it with: "And all +this happened more than six hundred years ago." + +A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said, after a moment's +thought: "Gee, what a memory you've got!" + + + _A Thing Forgotten_ + + White owl is not gloomy; + Black bat is not sad. + It is only that each has forgotten + Something he used to remember: + Black bat goes searching ... searching.... + White owl says over and over + Who? What? Where? + + +WALTER--"Mr. Smith's left his umbrella again. I do believe he would +leave his head if it were loose." + +ROBINSON--"I dare say you're right. I heard him say only yesterday he +was going to Switzerland for his lungs." + + +Rose, the garrulous domestic, can give you facts of +history--international, dramatic, scandalous--right off the bat +without a moment's hesitation. + +"How do you manage to remember all these things, Rose?" inquired her +employer the other day. + +Then Rose came back with the infallible rule for memory training. + +"I'll tell ye, ma'am," says she. "All me life never a lie I've told. +And when ye don't have to be taxin' yer memory to be rememberin' what +ye told this one or that one, or how ye explained this or that, ye +don't overwork it and it lasts ye, good as new, forever." + + +"What brought you here, my man?" asked the prison visitor. + +"Just plain absent-mindedness," replied the prisoner. + +"Why, how could that be?" + +"I forgot to change the engine number of the car before I sold it." + + + + +MEN + + +"Daughter," said the father, "your young man, Rawlings, stays until a +very late hour. Has not your mother said something to you about this +habit of his?" + +"Yes, father," replied the daughter sweetly. "Mother says men haven't +altered a bit." + + +All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, +those that are movable, and those that move.--_Arabian proverb_. + + +For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is another woman +who makes a man out of a fool. + + +The ideal man is as numerous as there are women to describe him. + + +If a woman is an hour late in returning home, and her husband is +worried, she is flattered. If a man is three hours late he is angry if +anyone is worried. + + +He was fond of playing jokes on his wife, and this time he thought he +had a winner. + +"My dear," he said, as they sat at supper, "I just heard such a sad +story of a young girl today. They thought she was going blind, and so +a surgeon operated on her and found--" + +"Yes?" gasped the wife breathlessly. + +"That she'd got a young man in her eye!" ended the husband, with a +chuckle. + +For a moment there was silence. Then the lady remarked, slowly: + +"Well, it would all depend on what sort of a man it was. Some of them +she could have seen through easily enough." + + +A little girl wrote the following composition on men: + +"Men are what women marry. They drink and smoke and swear, but don't +go to church. Perhaps if they wore bonnets they would. They are more +logical than women, also more zoological. Both men and women sprang +from monkeys, but the women sprang farther than the men." + + + _Essay on Man_ + + At ten, a child; at twenty, wild; + At thirty, tame, if ever; + At forty, wise; at fifty, rich; + At sixty, good, or never! + + +_See also_ Husbands. + + + + +METHODISTS + + +He came of good Methodist stock and they were telling him about the +disciples. They told him quite a lot about them, and somehow he didn't +seem quite satisfied. + +At last he voiced his trouble: + +"But were they all Disciples? Weren't there _any_ Methodists?" + + + + +MIDDLEMAN + + +"The first shall be last and the last shall be first," quoted the +devout citizen. + +"It makes no difference to me how you arrange 'em," replied the expert +commercialist. "I'll get mine either way. I'm the middleman." + + +"Pop!" + +"Yes, my son." + +"What is a gardener?" + +"A gardener is a man who raises a few things, my boy." + +"And what is a farmer?" + +"A man who raises a lot of things." + +"Well, what is a middleman, Pop?" + +"Why, he's a fellow who raises everything, my son." + + + + +MILITARISM + + +VILLAGE PACIFIST (as the Salvation Army passes)--"Oh, it's all right. +I ain't sayin' 'taint. But it's fosterin' th' martial speerit jes' th' +same."--_Judge_. + + + + +MILITARY DISCIPLINE + + +A colored gentleman was walking post for the first time in his life. A +dark form approached him. + +"Halt!" he cried in a threatening tone. "Who are you?" + +"The officer of the day." + +"Advance!" + +The O.D. advanced, but before he had proceeded half a dozen steps the +dusky sentinel again cried, "Halt!" + +"This is the second time you have halted me," observed the O.D. "What +are you going to do next?" + +"Never you mind what Ah's gonna do. Mah orders are to call 'Halt!' +three times, den shoot." + + +At twelve the other night one of our aviators who had liberty +until ten-thirty was "hot-footin'" it back from a hop harbor in a +neighboring ville. He passed the tracks, the "Y," and then started on +the double past the sentry at the gate. + +"Halt!" commanded the sentry. + +"Halt nothin'," yelled the gob; "I'm two hours late now." + + +The railings of a big transport on its way to France were lined with +very new soldiers when a massive gob hurried by, bent upon some urgent +duty. + +"Gangway! Gangway!" he shouted as he passed along the deck. + +"Gee, that guy'll catch hell when they find him," murmured one of the +recruits. "They been hollerin' for him all mornin.'" + +"Hollerin' for who?" + +"Why, that guy Gangway." + + +FRIEND--"How's your boy getting on in the army, Mr. Johnson?" + +JOHNSON--"Wonderful! I feel a sense of great security. An army that +can make my boy get up early, work hard all day, and go to bed early +can do anything!" + + +He was a very young officer, who looked as if he should be wearing +knee breeches. + +One day when his company was up for inspection at the training camp, +one of the men remarked in a tone of deep sarcasm. "And a little child +shall lead them." + +"The man who said that, step forward," was the immediate command. The +entire company stepped out and repeated the quotation. + +The lieutenant looked up and down the line. "Dismissed," he announced +shortly. + +The men thought they had gotten the better of him, but not for long, +for that night at retreat when the orders for the following day were +read they heard: "There will be a twenty-five-mile hike tomorrow with +full equipment, and a little child shall lead them--on a damned good +horse." + + +HE--"Have the car ready at the Admiralty at 4:30." + +CHAUFFEUSE--"Very well." + +HE--"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My Lord!'" + +SHE--"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My Lady!'" + + +Aunt Nancy was visiting an army camp and as she approached some +rookies were sitting on their heels and then rising to a standing +position in perfect unison. + +"What are the boys doing now?" she asked. + +"Why, those are the setting-up exercises," explained an obliging +sergeant. + +"Humph," remarked auntie. "Looks to me more like settin' down +exercises." + + +Passing a hand over his forehead, the worried drill-sergeant paused +for breath as he surveyed the knock-kneed recruit. Then he pointed +a scornful finger. "No," he declared, "you're hopeless. You'll never +make a soldier. Look at you now. The top 'alf of your legs is standin' +to attention, an' the bottom 'alf is standin' at ease!" + + +A sergeant was trying to drill a lot of raw recruits, and after +working hard for three hours he thought they seemed to be getting into +some sort of shape, so decided to test them. + +"Right turn!" he cried. Then, before they had ceased to move, came +another order, "Left turn!" + +One hoodlum left the ranks and started off toward the barracks-room. + +"Here, you!" yelled the angry sergeant. "Where are you going?" + +"I've had enough," replied the recruit in a disgusted tone. "You don't +know your own mind for two minutes runnin'!" + + +The day after the second draft quota had reached Camp Devens a rookie +strolled into camp after dark. As he was going past a sentry, he was +challenged. + +"Who goes there?" + +"Machine gun 301," answered the rookie. + +"Advance to be recognized." + +"Aw, you don't know me. I've only been here a coupla days." + + +"How did that private ever get in here?" asked a corporal of a captain +as he looked at a boy who seemed to be a physical weakling. + +"Walked in backward," said the captain, "and the guard thought he was +going out." + + +"Remember, my son," said his mother as she bade him good-by, "when +you get to camp try to be punctual in the mornings, so as not to keep +breakfast waiting."--_Life_. + + +A young American artist who has just returned from a six-months' job +of driving a British ambulance on the war-front in Belgium brings this +back, straight from the trenches: + +"One cold morning a sign was pushed up above the German trench facing +ours, only about fifty yards away, which bore in large letters the +words: + +"'GOTT MIT UNS!' + +"One of our cockney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, looked at +this for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of his own, which he +raised on a stick. It read: + +"'WE GOT MITTENS, TOO!'" + + +"Who goes there?" the sentry challenged. + +"Lord Roberts," answered the tipsy recruit. + +Again the sentry put the question and received a like answer, +whereupon he knocked the offender down. When the latter came to, the +sergeant was bending over him. "See here!" said the sergeant, "why +didn't you answer right when the sentry challenged you?" + +"Holy St. Patrick!" replied the recruit; "if he'd do that to Lord +Roberts, what would he do to plain Mike Flanagan?" + + +A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into the "Y" hut where an +entertainment was in progress and slumped into a front seat. + +Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y.M.C.A. man approached him, saying: +"Sorry, buddy, but the entire front section is reserved for officers." + +Wearily the youth rose. + +"All right," he drawled, "but the one I just got back from wasn't." + + +A well-dressed stranger strolled up to a colored prisoner, who was +taking a long interval of rest between two heaves of a pick. + +"Well, Sam, what crime did you commit to be put in those overalls and +set under guard?" + +"Ah went on a furlong, sah." + +"Went on a furlong? You mean you went on a furlough." + +"No, boss, it was a sho' nuff furlong. Ah went too fur, and Ah stayed +too long." + + +An officer of the A.E.F. relates the following: "We had a bunch of +negro troops on board and it was a terrible experience to them, as +most of them had never been away from home before. They were very +religious and used to pray all over the ship. One big buck held a +prayer right outside my window, thus: 'O Lord, if Thou doesn't do +another thing on this trip, call this ocean to attention.'" + + +CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to drill)--"What was your +occupation before entering the army?" + +ROOKIE--"Traveling salesman, sir." + +CAPTAIN--"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders here." + + + + +MILK + + +"You are charged with selling adulterated milk," said the judge. + +"Your Honor, I plead not guilty." + +"But the testimony shows that it is 25 per cent water." + +"Then it must be high-grade milk," returned the plaintiff. "If your +Honor will look up the word 'milk' in your dictionary you will find +that it contains from 80 to 90 per cent water. I should have sold it +for cream!" + + +The morning milk delivered at the parsonage was certainly weak, and +the head of the household considered it necessary to remonstrate. "Are +you aware," he remarked to the milkman, "that we require this milk for +the hitherto recognized purposes?" + +"I hope so, sir," replied the tradesman. + +"That's all right, then," returned the parson gently; "I merely +mentioned it in case you may have thought we wanted it for the font." + + +On the outskirts of Philadelphia is an admirable stock farm. One day +last summer some poor children were permitted to go over this farm, +and when their inspection was done, to each of them was given a glass +of milk. The milk was excellent. + +"Well, boys, how do you like it?" the farmer said, when they had +drained their glasses. + +"Fine," said one little fellow. Then after a pause, he added, "I wisht +our milkman kept a cow." + + + + +MILLENNIUM + + + _What Will We Do?_ + + What will we do when the good days come-- + When the prima donna's lips are dumb, + And the man who reads us his "little things" + Has lost his voice like the girl who sings; + When stilled is the breath of the cornet-man, + And the shrilling chords of the quartette clan; + When our neighbors' children have lost their drums + Oh, what will we do when the good time comes? + Oh, what will we do in that good blithe time, + When the tramp will work--oh, thing sublime! + And the scornful dame who stands on your feet + Will "Thank you, sir," for the profered seat; + And the man you hire to work by the day, + Will allow you to do his work your way; + And the cook who trieth your appetite + Will steal no more than she thinks is right; + When the boy you hire will call you "Sir," + Instead of "Say" and "Guverner"; + When the funny man is humorsome-- + How can we stand the millennium? + + --_Robert J. Burdette_. + + + + +MILLINERS + + +"Madam," announced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious in +the reception hall, with a large box beside him and crushing a paper +in his hand." + +"Ah," cried her mistress in ecstacy, "my new hat has come." + + + + +MILLIONAIRES + + +_The Idle Rich_ + +The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay, telling what they +would do if they had five million dollars. + +Every pupil except little William Powers began writing immediately. +William sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the +ceiling. + +Teacher collected the papers, and William handed in a blank sheet. + +"How is this, William?" asked teacher. "Is this your essay? Every +other pupil has written two sheets or more, while you have done +nothing!" + +"Well," replied William, "that's what I would do if I were a +millionaire!" + + +"WILLIE," asked a New York teacher of one of her pupils, "how many +make a million?" + +"Not many," said Willie with a grin. + + + + +MINISTERS + + +_See_ Clergy. + + + + +MISERS + + +Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a friend who +used his most persuasive powers to have him dress more in accordance +with his station in life. + +"I am surprised, Amos," said the friend "that you should allow +yourself to become shabby." + +"But I'm not shabby," firmly interposed the millionaire miser. + +"Oh, but you are," returned his old friend. "Remember your father. He +was always neatly, even elaborately, dressed. His clothes were always +finely tailored and of the best material." + +"Why," shouted the miser, triumphantly, "these clothes I've got on +were father's!" + + + + +MISTAKEN IDENTITY + + +"No man is as well known as he thinks he is," said Caruso. "I was +motoring on Long Island recently. My car broke down, and I entered a +farmhouse to get warm. The farmer and I chatted, and when he asked my +name I told him modestly that it was Caruso. At that name he threw up +his hands. + +"'Caruso!' he exclaimed. 'Robinson Caruso, the great traveler! Little +did I expect ever to see a man like yer in this here humble kitchen, +sir!'" + + +CUSTOMER (trying on dress suit, jokingly)--"I hope I'll never be +mistaken for a waiter." + +TAILOR--"When in doubt, keep your hands in your pockets!"--_Judge_. + + +An Irishman, an Englishman and a Hebrew were telling of their strange +experiences and how they were mistaken for great men. + +"Would you baylave it," the Irishman said, "I was mistaken for +ex-President Roosevelt." + +The Englishman turned to his fellow countryman, "That's nothing," he +said, "I was once mistaken for President Wilson." + +"Huh?" the Hebrew said. "I vas standing on the street corner the other +day and a cop came along and said to me, 'Holy Moses, are you here +again?'" + + + + +MISTAKES + + +When a plumber makes a mistake, he charges time for it. + +When a lawyer makes a mistake, it's just what he wanted. + +When a carpenter makes a mistake, it's just what he expected, because +the chances are ten to one he never learned his business. + +When an electrician makes a mistake, he blames it on induction, +because nobody knows what that is. + +When a doctor makes a mistake, he buries it. + +When a judge makes a mistake, it becomes the law of the land. + +When a preacher makes a mistake, nobody knows the difference. + +But a _salesman_--he is different; he has to be careful; he cannot +turn his mistakes into profit or blame them on a profession. + +You've got to go some to be a real _salesman_. + + + + +MONEY + + + If you save all you earn, you're a miser. + If you spend all you earn, you're a fool. + If you lose it, you're out. + If you find it, you're in. + If you owe it, they're always after you. + If you lend it, you're always after them. + It's the cause of evil. + It's the cause of good. + It's the cause of happiness. + It's the cause of sorrow. + If the government makes it, it's all right. + If you make it, it's all wrong. + As a rule it's hard to get. + But it's pretty soft when you get it. + It talks! + To some it says, "I've come to stay." + To others it whispers, "Good-bye." + Some people get it at a bank. + Others go to jail for it. + The Mint makes it first. + It's up to you to make it last. + + --_Ben S. Kearns_. + + +GIBES--"A man's best friend, they say, is a full pocketbook." + +DIBBS--"An empty one is his most constant friend, because while others +may grow cold, he will find no change in his purse." + + +"I gave that beggar a penny, and he didn't thank me." + +"No. You can't get anything for a penny now." + + +TODAY--"What do we care for prices? We've got the money!" + +TOMORROW--"What do we care for prices? We haven't any money!" + + +"You know," Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared impressively, +"it's getting so that it is positively dangerous for a man to carry +around a good-sized roll of money." + +"Difficult, rather than dangerous, I find," Diggs sighed. + + +"'S funny." + +"Shoot!" + +"Bills are rectangular, and yet they come rolling in!" + + + _The Old Silver Dollar_ + + How dear to my heart is the mem'ry that lingers + Of the days that, alas! we shall never see more, + When clutching a large silver coin in my fingers, + I hurried along to the grocery store, + + And there purchased flour and bacon and coffee. + And prunes in a package, and apricots canned, + Two gallons of coal-oil, a half pound of toffee, + And still held some change, when I left, in my hand. + + The big iron dollar + The good, honest dollar, + The hundred-cent dollar + I clutched in my hand. + + But now, though accustomed to buying far closer, + Whenever in markets or stores I appear + To lay in provisions, the butcher or grocer + Will glance at my dollar and quietly sneer. + + At the tail of a line of more affluent buyers + Awaiting my turn I must patiently stand, + For no one, as far as I gather, desires + The pitiful dollar I hold in my hand. + + The poor little dollar, + The cheap, little dollar, + The fifty-cent dollar, + I hold in my hand! + + +"The amount of money a fellow's father has doesn't seem to cut much +figure here." + +"No, it's the amount of the father's money the son has." + + +"They say money talks." + +"Well?" + +"I wonder how that idea originated?" + +"Have you never noticed the lady on the dollar?" + + +A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly taller in +the morning than he is in the evening." We have never tested this, but +we have certainly noticed a tendency to become "short" toward the end +of the month. + + +_See also_ Domestic finance. + + + + +MONEY LENDER + +A teacher of English in one of our colleges describes a money-lender +as follows: + +"He serves you in the present tense, lends in the conditional mood, +keeps you in the subjective, and ruins you in the future." + + + + +MORAL EDUCATION + + +The kindergarten teacher recited to her pupils the story of the wolf +and the lamb. As she completed it she said: + +"Now, children, you see that the lamb would not have been eaten by the +wolf if he had been good and sensible." + +One little boy raised his hand. + +"Well, John," asked the teacher, "what is it?" + +"If the lamb had been good and sensible," said the little boy, +gravely, "we should have had him to eat, wouldn't we?" + + + + +MOSQUITOES + + +"You told me you hadn't any mosquitoes," said the summer boarder, +reproachfully. + +"I hadn't," replied Farmer Corntossel. "Them you see floatin' around +come from Si Perkins's place. They ain't mine." + + +Two Irishmen, on a sultry night, took refuge under the bedclothes +from a party of mosquitoes. At last one of them, gasping from heat, +ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks, and espied a fire-fly which had +strayed into the room. Arousing his companion with a punch, he said: +"Furgus! Furgus! it's no use; you might as well come out; here's one +of the craythers searching for us wid a lantern." + + + + +MOTHERS + + +Answers to the question "what is Mother?" given by supposedly +feeble-minded school children of New York: + +She's what you chop wood for. + +She's what feeds you. + +She's what put clothes and shoes on you. + +She keeps care of you. + +She's who's good to you. + +She's your creator. + +She's what's dead on to me. + +Best composite portrait of a mother ever painted. + + + _Mother_ + + She loves me in spite of my faults; + She overlooks my mistakes; + She rejoices at my success; + She weeps over my failure; + She urges me on to higher endeavor, + And her confidence in my ability + Brings out the best that is in me. + Her love has been the crowning blessing of my life; + Here's to MOTHER. + + --_Hathaway_.-- + + + The mother, in her office, holds the key + Of the soul; and she it is who stamps the coin + Of character, and makes the being who would be a savage, + But for her gentle cares, a Christian man, + Then crown her Queen o' the world. + + + +"An ounce of mother," says the Spanish proverb, "is worth a pound of +clergy."--_T. W. Higginson_. + + +Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of little +children.--_Thackeray_. + + + + +MOTHERS' DAY + + +These "days" for doing things that you ought to do any day are getting +so numerous as to lead to curious ethical conflicts. A boy in Sabetha, +Kansas, was taken to task for missing Sunday school one Sunday. "I +wanted to come," he said, "but Sunday was Mothers' Day and mother +wanted me to go fishing with her, so I went." + + + + +MOTHERS-IN-LAW + + +The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn't swim. Nor could +the young man on the end of the pier; but when she came up for the +first time and he caught sight of her face, he could shriek, and he +did. He shrieked: + +"Help!" + +A burly fisherman sauntered to his side. + +"Wot's up?" he asked. + +"There!" hoarsely cried the young man. "My wife! Drowning! I can't +swim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her." + +In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another he was +out of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his lucky stars, he +approached the young man again. + +"Well, what about the hundred bones?" he asked. + +But if the young man's face had been ashen gray before, now it was +dead white, as he gazed upon the features of the recovered dame. + +"Y-e-s, I know!" he gasped. "But when I made the offer I thought it +was my wife who was drowning; and now--now it turns out it was my +wife's mother!" + +The burly fisherman pulled a long face. "Just my luck!" he muttered, +thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. "How much do I owe you?" + + +"Is your wife's mother enjoying her trip to the mountains?" "I'm +afraid not. She's found something at last that she can't walk over." + + + + +MOVING PICTURES + + +A recent movie comedy showed on the screen a bevy of shapely girls +disrobing for a plunge in the "old swimming-pool." They had just taken +off shoes, hats, coats and were beginning on--a passing freight-train +dashed across the screen and obscured the view. When it had passed, +the girls were frolicking in the water. + +An old railroader sat through the show again and again. At length an +usher tapped him on the shoulder. + +"Aren't you ever going home?" he asked. + +"Oh, I'll wait a while," was the answer. "One of these times that +train's going to be late." + + +"Didn't anybody criticise you for filming an automobile in ancient +Babylon?" + +"No. But I had a dozen letters calling my attention to the fact that +the car showed a California license tag." + + +Moving day comes on May 1st, but every day in the year is movie day. + + +SLAPSTICK DIRECTOR--"Can't you suggest a novel from which we could +adapt a comedy?" + +COMEDIAN--"My memory isn't very accurate, but isn't there a book +called 'Alice Threw the Looking-glass'?" + + +MOVIE OPERATOR--"What shall I do with this film? There is a tear in it +that cuts right through the hero's nose!" + +CLEVER MANAGER--"Ha! just the thing! Bill it as a feature in two +parts." + + +PROMOTER--"I have here a scheme for revamping old films." + +MANAGER--"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old vamps." + + +An old couple from the country wandered into a moving picture show in +town. As they entered a cow-boy picture was being shown. + +The old lady laid a restraining hand on her husband's arm. + +"Bill," she said, "let's not go too far down in front; the dust those +horses are kickin' up is somethin' awful. My clothes'll be ruined!" + + +"Here's another book on _How to Get into the Movies_." + +"Why on earth doesn't somebody write a book on how to get a seat after +you do get in?" + + +Mr. and Mrs. Todd were debating whether the movie they had just seen +was a new or old production. + +"The leading woman wore two or three gowns that are very much in +vogue," Mrs. Todd reminded her husband. + +He remained firm, however. + +"There wasn't any excitement when the cocktails were served," he said. + + +"I can," said the bashful young man to the director of the film +company, "swim, dive, run an auto, fly an aeroplane, fence, box, +shoot, ride a horse, run a motor-boat, play golf, fight, make love, +fall off cliffs, rescue heroines, play football, die naturally, and +kiss a girl." + +"But," interrupted the famous director, "can you _act_?" + +"Alas!" muttered the would-be screen hero, "I never thought of +_that_." + +"Engaged," growled the director, and another screen star was +born.--_Life_. + + +_See also_ Actors and actresses; Advertising; Signs. + + + + +MULES + + +"Is you gwine ter let dat mewel do as he pleases?" asked Uncle +Ephraim's wife. + +"Wha's you will-power?" + +"My will-power's all right" he answered "You jes' want ter come out +hyar an' measure dis mewel's won't power." + + +Somewhere in France a tall negro dough-boy was trying to pull to his +feet a mule who persisted obstinately in sitting down. The darkey +tugged and strained but the mule remained obdurate. Finally the man +desisted and glaring at the mule, remarked "As you were, mule, as you +were." + + +"What's become of your chauffeur?" + +"Oh, he was with the regiment down in Texas and crawled under an army +mule to see why it wouldn't go." + + +"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "put in der lives kickin' at nothin'. +Bar's dis much to be said foh de mule. If he's interested enough to +kick, he's willin' to go to de trouble of takin' aim." + + +"_Love's Labor Lost_" + +Luke had been sent to the store with the mule and wagon. What happened +is told in Luke's end of the conversation over the telephone from the +store. + +"Gimme seb'n-'leben. + +"Gimme dat number quick, please 'm. + +"Dis yer's Luke, suh. + +"Dis yer's Luke, I say, suh. + +"I tuk de wagon to de sto' fo dat truck. + +"Yas, suh, I'm at de sto'. + +"Dat mule, she balk, suh. + +"She's balkin' in de big road, near de sto'. + +"No, suh, she ain' move. + +"No, suh, I don' think she's gwine move. + +"Yas, suh, I beat 'er. + +"I did beat 'er good. + +"She's jes' r'ar a li'l bit, suh. + +"Yas, suh, she kick, too. + +"She jes' bus' de whiffletree li'l bit, suh. + +"No, suh, dat mule won't lead. + +"Yas, suh, I tried it. + +"No, suh, jes' bit _at_ me. + +"No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs. + +"I tickle um las' year, suh, once. + +"Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail. + +"No, suh, I ain' done it. + +"Who done it? + +"I t'ink he's li'l travelin' man f'um Boston, suh. He twis' 'er tail. + +_"Yas, suh! She sho' did!_ + +"Right spang in de face, suh. + +"Dey's got 'im at de sto'. + +"Dey say he's comin' to, suh. + +"I don' know--he do look mighty sleepy to me, suh. + +"Yas, suh, we tried dat. + +"Yas, suh, we built a fire under 'er. + +"No, suh, dat ain' make 'er go. + +"She jes' move up li'l bit, suh. + +"Yas, suh, de wagon bu'n right up. Dat's whut I'm telephonin' yu +'bout--to ast yu please sen' a wagon to hitch up to dis yer mule. She +ain' gwine budge lessen she's hitched up. Good-by, suh." + + +Ephum Johnson was up before Judge Shimmerplate on a cruelty to animals +charge. + +"Deed Ah wasn't abusing dat mule, judge," the old man demurred. + +"Did you not strike it repeatedly with a club?" + +"Yassah." + +"And do you not know that you can accomplish more with animals by +speaking to them?" + +"Yassah; but this critter am different. He am so deef he can't hear +me when Ah speaks to him in de usual way, so Ah has to communicate wid +him in de sign language." + + + On mules we find two legs behind + And two we find before; + We stand behind before we find + What the two behind stand for! + + +A teacher was instructing a class in English and called on a small boy +named Jimmy Brown. + +"James," she said, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if +he wants to.'" + +"Now," continued the teacher when Jimmy had finished writing, "can you +find a better form for that sentence?" + +"Yes, ma'am, I think I can," was the prompt answer. "'Richard can ride +the mule if the mule wants him to.'" + + +A mule-skinner in France was trying to drive a mule, with a wagon +load, through a hospital gate. The mule would do anything but pass +through the gate. + +"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the hospital orderlies. + +"No," replied the driver; "but I'd like to know how Noah got two of +these blighters into the Ark!" + + +"Why don't you get rid of that mule?" asked one Virginia darky of +another. + +"Well, yo' see, Jim," replied the other, "I hates to give in. Ef I was +to trade dat mule off he'd regard it as a pussunal victory. He's been +tryin' fo' de last six weeks to get rid of me." + + + + +MUSHROOMS + + +Johnny Jones, you know, was studying botany, and he declared that he +had an infallible way to tell the difference between mushrooms and +toadstools. + +"When you git vi'lent spasms," said little Johnny, "with cramps, +swelling of the feet and partial loss of vision ending in insanity and +death--then it ain't mushrooms." + + + + +MUSIC + + +HE--"Most girls, I have found, don't appreciate real music." + +SECOND HE--"Why do you say that?" + +HE--"Well, you may pick beautiful strains on a mandolin for an hour, +and she won't even look out of the window, but just one honk of a horn +and--out she comes!" + + +Music is the language of the soul; jazz is its profanity. + + +"How do you sell your music?" + +"We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the choir." + + +"Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' now?" + +"The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram." + +"Waal--mebbe--but ter me it sounds a deal more like sawin'." + + +While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to exactly +sixty seconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to its name. Mme. +Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played the "Minute Waltz" +as an encore, first telling her audience what it was. Thereupon a huge +man in a large riding suit took out an immense silver watch, held it +open almost under her nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. The +pianist's fingers flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewarded +when the man closed the watch with a loud slap and said in a booming +voice: "Gosh! She's done it." + + +MRS. NEWRICHE--"I believe our next-door neighbors on the right are as +poor as church mice, Hiram." + +MR. NEWRICHE--"What makes you think so?" + +MRS. NEWRICHE--"Why, they can't afford one of them mechanical +piano-players; the daughter is taking lessons by hand."--_Puck_. + + + + +MUSICIANS + + +"Excuse me," said the detective as he presented himself at the door +of the music academy, "but I hope you'll give me what information you +have, and not make any fuss." + +"What do you mean?" was the indignant inquiry. + +"Why, you see, we got a tip from the house next door that somebody +was murdering Wagner, and the chief sent me down here to work on the +case." + + +Pianist Rachmaninoff told in his New York flat the other day a story +about his boyhood. + +"When I was a very little fellow," he said, "I played at a reception +at a Russian count's, and, for an urchin of seven, I flatter +myself that I swung through Beethoven's 'Kreutzer Sonata' pretty +successfully. + +"The 'Kreutzer,' you know, has in it several long and impressive +rests. Well, in one of these rests the count's wife, a motherly old +lady, leaned forward, patted me on the shoulder, and said: + +"'Play us something you know, dear.'" + + +There was nobody who could play the violin like Smifkins--at least so +he thought--and he was delighted when he was asked to play at a local +function. + +"Sir," he said to the host, "the instrument I shall use at your +gathering is over two hundred years old." + +"Oh, that's all right! Never mind," returned the host; "no one will +ever know the difference." + + +MUSICAL STUDENT--"That piece you just played is by Mozart, isn't it?" + +HURDY-GURDY MAN--"No, by Handel." + + +When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Boston +suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called: + +"Shine?" + +The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked +with grime and said: + +"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a +quarter." + +"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboring +trough and made his ablutions. + +When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took +but immediately handed back, saying: + +"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut." + + + + +NAMES, PERSONAL + + +"Why do you call the baby Bill?" + +"He was born on the first of the month." + + +In an Ohio town is a colored man whose last name is Washington. + +Heaven has blest him with three sons. + +When the first son arrived the father named him George Washington. +In due time the second son came. Naturally he was christened Booker +Washington. When the third man child was born his parent was at a +loss, at first, for a name for him. Finally tho, he hit on a suitable +selection. + +The third son, if he lives, will go through life as Spokane +Washington. + + +Aunt Lindy had brought around her three grandchildren for her mistress +to see. The three little darkies, in calico smocks, stood squirming in +line while Lindy proudly surveyed them. + +"What are their names, Lindy?" her mistress asked. + +"Dey's name' after flowers, ma'am. Ah name' 'em. De bigges' one's +name' Gladiola. De nex' one, she name' Heliotrope." + +"Those are very pretty," her mistress said. "What is the littlest one +named?" + +"She name' Artuhficial, ma'am." + + +William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most fine given +names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin and a shame. "I +myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We were all given good, +old-fashioned Christian names, but all those names were shortened into +meaningless or feeble monosyllables by our friends. I shall name my +children so that it will be impracticable to curtail their names." + +The Williams family, in the course of time, was blessed with five +children, all boys. The eldest was named after the father--William. +Of course, that would be shortened to "Will" or enfeebled to +"Willie"--but wait! A second son came and was christened Willard. +"Aha!" chuckled Mr. Williams. "Now everybody will have to speak the +full names of each of these boys in order to distinguish them." + +In pursuance of this scheme the next three sons were named Wilbert, +Wilfred, and Wilmont. + +They are all big boys now. And they are respectively known to their +intimates as Bill, Skinny, Butch, Chuck, and Kid. + + +Aunt Liza's former mistress was talking to her one morning, when +suddenly she discovered a little pickaninny standing shyly behind his +mother's skirts. "Is this your little boy, Aunt Liza?" she asked. + +"Yes, miss; dat's Prescription." + +"Goodness, what a funny name, auntie, for a child! How in the world +did you happen to call him that?" + +"Ah simply calls him dat becuz Ah has sech hahd wuk gettin' him +filled." + + +BREATHLESS VISITOR--"Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones--" + +DOCTOR--"No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that." + + +A chauffeur had applied for a position with a new-rich family +which aspired to be considered "top-notch" socially, and was being +interviewed by the mistress of the house. + +"We call all our servants by their last names," she announced. "What +is your last name?" + +"You had best call me Thomas, ma'am," replied the applicant. + +"No, we insist that you be willing to be called by your last name. +Otherwise you won't do at all." + +"Oh, I'm willing, ma'am, but I don't think the family would like to +use it." + +"What is your last name then?" said his prospective employer, somewhat +coldly and as though she expected a revelation of international +scandal. + +"Darling, ma'am--Thomas Darling." + + +A little colored girl, a newcomer in Sunday-school, gave her name +to the teacher as "Fertilizer Johnson." Later the teacher asked the +child's mother if that was right. + +"Yes, ma'am, dat's her name," said the fond parent. "You see, she was +named fer me and her father. Her father's name am Ferdinand and my +name is Liza. So we named her Fertilizer." + + +LITTLE JOHNNY--"Dad, there's a girl at our school whom we call +Postscript." + +DAD--"Postscript? What do you call her Postscript for?" + +LITTLE JOHNNY--"Cos her name is Adeline Moore." + + +GRIGGS--"When I don't catch the name of the person I've been +introduced to, I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an 'i.' It +generally works, too." + +BRIGGS--"I used to try that dodge myself until I was introduced to a +young lady at a party. When I put the question about the 'e' or 'i,' +she flushed angrily and wouldn't speak to me the whole evening." + +"What was her name?" + +"I found out later it was--Hill." + + +FIRST LITTLE GIRL--"What's your last name, Annie?" + +SECOND LITTLE GIRL--"Don't know yet; I ain't married." + + +"Spell your name!" said the court clerk sharply. The witness began: "O +double T, I, double U, E, double L, double--" + +"Begin again! begin again!" ordered the clerk. + +The witness repeated: "O, double T, I, double U, E, double L, double +U, double O--" + +"Your honor," roared the clerk, "I beg that this man be committed for +contempt of court!" + +"What is your name?" asked the judge. + +"My name, your honor, is Ottiwell Wood, and I spell it O, double T, I, +double U, E, double L, double U, double O, D."--_Literary Digest_. + + +"Is Mr. Smith in the audience?" broke forth the presiding officer. "I +am informed that his house is afire." + +Forty men sprang to their feet. + +"It is the house of Mr. John Smith," added the chairman. + +"Thank goodness!" fervently exclaimed one man, resuming his +seat.--_Everybody's_. + + + + +NATIONALITY + + +"But are you an American citizen?" angrily demanded the official at +the passport office. + +"My mother was American"--began the applicant. + +"Yes, yes"-- + +"But she married a Frenchman"-- + +"Yes." + +"In Italy." + +"Yes; but where were you born?" + +"I was born on a ship flying Spanish colors while she was lying at +anchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my parents died in Brazil when I was +only four years old and I was adopted by a Chinaman, who brought me up +in Russia"-- + +"Well, he's"--began an official. + +"He's a bloomin' League of Nations!" exploded the official who had +first spoken. + + + + +NATURAL LAWS + + +CHARLIE--"What you say just goes in one ear and out the other." + +JOHNNY--"Impossible!" + +"Why?" + +"Sound can't cross a vacuum, you know, old fellow." + + +"Say, dad, what keeps us from falling off the earth when we are upside +down?" + +"Why, the law of gravity, of course." + +"Well, how did folks stay on before the law was passed?" + + + + +NEGROES + + +Miss Annette Benton, on returning from a visit, brought a gift to each +of her mother's colored servants. It was the "day out" for Lily, the +housemaid, so Annette distributed her gifts, reserving for Lily a +scarlet-silk blouse. + +"That won't do," said Mrs. Benton. "Lily's in mourning." + +"Mourning?" + +"Yes, for her husband; he died in jail, and Lily's wearing a long +crape veil." + +When Lily returned, her young mistress expressed regret. "I'll give +the blouse to Lizzie," she said, "and get you something else." + +Lily looked at the blouse, then she swallowed. "Don't you give that +blouse to no Lizzie, Miss Annette, cos nex' mont' I'se gwine outa +mournin' from the waist up."--_Harper's_. + + +"G'wan, nigger, you-all ain't got no sense nohow." + +"Ain't got no sense? Whut's dis yere haid for?" + +"Dat thing? Dat ain't no haid, nigger; dat's jes er button on top er +yo body ter keep yer backbone from unravelin'." + + +OLD DARKY (to shiftless son)--"I hearn tell you is married. Is you?" + +SON (ingratiatingly)--"I ain't sayin' I ain't." + +OLD DARKY (severely)--"I ain't ask you is you ain't; I ask you ain't +you is." + + +PARSON BLACK (sternly)--"Did you come by dat watehmelyun honestly, +Bruddeh Bingy?" + +THE MELON TOTER--"'Deed I did, pahson; ebry day fo' nigh on two +weeks!"--_Puck_. + + +A Minneapolis laundress, a negro woman, patriotic supporter of the Red +Cross, was among the thousands who witnessed a recent Red Cross +parade in the Mill City in which fifteen thousand white-clad women +participated. In telling a Red Cross worker how she liked it, she +said: + +"Lawdy, missus, it suttinly was a gran' spectacle. Nevah in mah whole +life did I see so much washin' at one time." + + +"Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a darky committing suicide?" +inquired the Northerner. + +"Well, you see, it's disaway, boss: When a white pusson has any +trouble he sets down an' gits to studyin' 'bout it an' a-worryin'. +Then firs' thing you know he's done killed hisse'f. But when a nigger +sets down to think 'bout his troubles, why, he jes' natcherly goes to +sleep!"--_Life_. + + +"No, sah," said the aged colored man to the reporter who'd asked if +he had ever seen President Lincoln. "Ah used to 'member seein' Massa +Linkum, but since Ah j'ined de church Ah doan 'member seein' him no +mo'." + + +A Psychiatric Board was testing the mentality of a thick-lipped, +weak-faced Negro soldier. Among other questions, the specialist asked, +"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking, +or where the sound comes from?" + +"Yes, suh," answered the negro. + +"When does this occur?" + +"When I'se talkin' over de telephone." + + +An Alabama darky, who prided himself on being able to play any tune on +the banjo after he had heard it once, perched himself on the side of +a hill one Sunday morning and began to pick the strings in a +workman-like manner. + +It chanced that the minister came along. Going up to Moses, he +demanded harshly, "Moses, do you know the Ten Commandments?" + +Moses scratched his chin for a moment, and then, in an equally harsh +voice, said: + +"Parson, yo' don't think yo' kin beat me do yo'? Jest yo' whistle the +first three or four bars, an' I'll have a try at it."--_Harper's_. + + +One day Miss Maria Thompson Daviess, the author, walked down a street +in Nashville. The street was crowded with Negroes, who were forming in +a line for a parade. + +"What's the occasion for the parade, Tom?" she asked of a boy. + +The boy looked at her with a grin. + +"La, Miss Daviess," he replied, "don' you-all know colored folks well +'nough to know dat dey don' need no 'casion foh a p'rade?" + + +An old doctor was making a call on a colored family. While talking to +the patient he was continually interrupted by a crying baby, which sat +on the floor and grumbled and whined continually. Finally, the mother +picked the child up. + +"Auntie," said the doctor, "your baby seems badly spoiled." + +"No, suh! No, suh!" remonstrated the mother. "All little cullud babies +smell dat way!" + + +_See also_ Chicken stealing. + + + + +NEIGHBORS + + +"But I don't know you, madam," the bank cashier said to the woman who +had presented a check. + +The woman, however, instead of saying haughtily, "I do not wish your +acquaintance, sir," merely replied, with an engaging smile: + +"Oh, yes, you do, I think. I'm the 'red-headed old virago' next door +to you, whose scoundrelly little boys are always reaching through the +fence and picking your flowers. When you started for town this morning +your wife said: 'Now, Henry, if you want a dinner fit to eat this +evening you'll have to leave me a little money. I can't keep this +house on plain water and sixpence a day.'" + + +Christianity teaches us to love our neighbor as ourself; modern +society acknowledges no neighbor.--_Beaconsfield_. + + +"I'm quite a near neighbor of yours now," said Mr. Bore. + +"I'm living just across the river." + +"Indeed," replied Miss Smart. "I hope you'll drop in some day." + + + + +NEW JERSEY + + +Misunderstandings with New Jersey people are sure to result if +visitors mistake chicken wire for mosquito netting. + + + + +NEW YORK CITY + + +Mr. Edmund Hornung was in New York several days over Sunday. + +That's where they travel fast, I'm telling you. + + +SILAS (in a whisper)--"Did you git a peep at the underworld at all +while you wuz in New York, Ezry?" + +EZRA--"Three times! Subway twice an' ratscellar once." + + +"I see New York did considerable begging for one of those reserve +banks." + +"What of it?" + +"Oh, nothing, New York used to dictate." + + +CUBIST TEACHER--"Can anyone give an impressionistic definition of New +York?" + +BRIGHT PUPIL--"A small body of limousines almost entirely surrounded +by Fords." + + +FIRST SOUTHERNER--"Were you in New York long enough to feel at home?" + +SECOND SOUTHERNER--"Yes, sir; why, I got so I could keep my seat in +the cars with a lady standing and not even think about it." + + +An Ohio newspaper editor spent a few days in New York, and while there +somebody asked him how he liked the big town. + +"I care for it very little," replied the editor. "Did you ever think +of this: Suppose you lived in New York and wanted to go fishing. Where +would you go to dig a can of worms?" + + +"I hear you want a room clerk." + +"No, we never have any rooms. What we want is a clerk who can satisfy +people in assigning them to billiard tables, telephone booths and cots +in the halls." + + + The surging crowd along Broadway + Was stirred so strangely yesterday. + It stood on tiptoe, eyes aglow, + It stared, and turned to whisper low + Of wonders such as seldom pass + That way. What swayed the living mass? + What marvel from the fabled isles + That drew the eye from Paris styles? + A street car left the track perhaps? + Two bootblacks nabbed for shooting craps? + A fire to call the engines out? + A skidding auto turned about? + A homebrew Bacchus' raisin dance? + At these perhaps the crowd would glance + But never act like this at all. + Amazed, I asked a copper tall + And broad, and heard at last; + A horse and buggy just went past. + + --_Roland D. Johnson_. + + +An English novelist took his first look at Broadway aflame with +light. He read the flashing and leaping signs and said: "How much more +wonderful it would be for a man who couldn't read." + + +UNCLE EZRA--"Eph Hoskins must have had some time down in New York." + +UNCLE EBEN--"Yep. Reckon he traveled a mighty swift pace. Eph's wife +said that when Eph got back and went into his room he looked at the +bed, kicked it, and said, 'What's that darn thing for?"--_Judge_. + + +After Mark Twain had been in New York for five years, he wrote to his +folks back home that he was the loneliest man in the world! + +"What!" exclaimed his people, "in New York _and lonely_!" + +"Yes," wrote Mark; "I'm the only man in this town that doesn't touch a +drop." + + +TEACHER--"Do you know the population of New York?" + +MAMIE BACKROW--"Not all of them, ma'am, but then, we've only lived +here two years."--_Puck_. + + + + +NEWSBOYS + + +NEWSBOY--"Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister?" + +PASSER-BY--"Here, boy, I'll take one." (After reading a moment.) "Say, +boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it?" + +NEWSBOY--"That's the mystery, guvnor. You're the fifty-first victim." + + + + +NEWSPAPERS + + +APPLICANT--"I'm ready to begin at the bottom, sir." + +NEWSPAPER PROPRIETOR--"Well, what's your idea?" + +"To start first with the leading editorials and gradually work myself +up to the sporting page." + + +"Never state as a fact anything you are not certain about," the great +editor warned the new reporter, "or you will get us into libel +suits. In such cases use the words, 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' +'rumored,' and so on." + +And then this paragraph appeared in the society notes of the paper: + +"It is rumored that a card party was given yesterday by a number of +reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, gossip says, was hostess. It is alleged +that the guests with the exception of Mrs. Bellinger, who says she +hails from Leavitt's Junction, were all from here. Mrs. Smith claims +to be the wife of Archibald Smith, the so-called 'Honest Man' trading +on Key Street." + +And when the editor had read the report a whirling mass claiming to +be the reporter was projected through the window and struck the street +with a dull thud. + + +REPORTER--"Madam, you may recollect that we printed yesterday +your denial of having retracted the contradiction of your original +statement. Would you care to have us say that you were misquoted in +regard to it."--_Life_. + + +As any reporter will tell you, the only place in a newspaper office +where real toil is done is the city room. Imagine our pleasure when +we overheard one of the office boys saying: "When I first came here I +thought it was called the 'sitting room.' I said something about the +sitting room one day to the city editor, and I thought he was going to +throw me down the elevator shaft." + + +"Can you make anything out of the news from Europe?" + +"Easiest thing in the world. I only read the newspapers every other +day. In this way I get a connected story of our side or the other and +avoid the denials."--_Puck_. + + +ENGLISH NEWSIE (selling extras)--"Better 'ave one and read about it +now, sir; it might be contradicted in the morning."--_Punch_. + + +The reporter was sent to write up a charity ball. His copy came in +late and it was careless. The editor reproved him the next day by +quoting an extract: + +"Look here, Scribbler, what do you mean by this, 'Among the most +beautiful girls was Alderman Horatio Dingley'? Old Dingley ain't a +girl, you idiot! He's one of our principal shareholders." + +"I can't help that," returned the realistic reporter, "that's where he +was." + + + When Earth's last paper is finished and the type is scrambled and + pied, + When the roar of the press becomes fainter and sheets are folded + and dried; + We shall rest, and Faith, we shall need it, for the way has been + weary and long, + And oft have we heard that chestnut, "Young man, you have quoted + me wrong." + + +The cub reporter was grinding out a marriage notice. Finally he +brought it up and laid it on the city editor's desk: + +"Mr. and Mrs. Blank announce today the marriage of their daughter to +take place next Monday--" + +"Huh," grunted the editor, "you can't say they announced a marriage +yet to take place." + +Again the cub jabbed away at his typewriter. And when he brought it +back this time it read: + +"Mr. and Mrs. Blank predicted today the marriage of their daughter." + + +"How many revolutions does the earth make in a day? It's your turn, +Willie Smith." + +"You can't tell, teacher, till you see the morning paper." + + +_See also_ Editors. + + + + +"NO" + + +No is one of the smallest words in the English language, and yet-- + +It has brought about more heartaches than the war. + +It has caused more children to shed tears than all the spankings in +the world put together. + +It has saved more money for individuals with backbone than a year's +output of padlocks. + +It has made itself Prohibition's greatest aid. + +It has killed genius and thwarted ambition. It has turned love into +hate and success into failure. + +It has kept kings off thrones and poets out of Arcadia. + +It has caused good men to tremble and scoundrels to rejoice. + +Will it ever make a change for the better? + +No. + + + + +NOTHING + + + Mysterious Nothing! how shall I define + Thy shapeless, baseless, placeless emptiness? + Nor form, nor colour, sound, nor size is thine, + Nor words nor fingers can thy voice express; + But though we cannot thee to aught compare, + A thousand things to thee may likened be, + And though thou art with nobody nowhere, + Yet half mankind devote themselves to thee. + How many books thy history contain; + How many heads thy mighty plans pursue; + What labouring hands thy portion only gain; + What busy bodies thy doings only do! + To thee the great, the proud, the giddy bend, + And--like my sonnet--all in nothing end. + + --_Richard Parson_. + + + + +NURSES + + +FREDDIE--"Are you the trained nurse mama said was coming?" + +NURSE--"Yes, dear; I'm the trained nurse." + +FREDDIE--"Let's see some of your tricks, then!" + + + + +OBEDIENCE + + +A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience from her +children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her little son +John to close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house. + +"But mother," began John. + +"John, I told you to shut the trap." + +"Yes, but mother--" + +"John, shut that trap." + +"All right, mother, if you say so--but--" + +"John!" + +Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. Two hours +later the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was staying +with the mother, did not appear. The mother, quite anxious, exclaimed, +"Where can Aunt Mary be?" + +"I know," John answered triumphantly, "she is on the roof." + + + + +OBESITY + + +_See_ Corpulence. + + + + +OBITUARIES + + +Upon the recent death in a Western town of a politician, who, at one +time, served his country in a very high legislative place, a number of +newspaper men were collaborating on an obituary notice. + +"What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the men. + +"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust." + +"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the +name of the trust?"--_Puck_. + + +_See also_ Epitaphs. + + + + +OCCUPATIONS + + +PAPA--"But hasn't your fiance got a job?" + +DAUGHTER--"Not yet, but he's going to get one at $25,000 a year." + +PAPA--"Indeed! Glad to hear of it! What is he doing?" + +DAUGHTER--"Well, he read in the paper of some man who is paid $50,000 +a year by the Bankers' Association not to forge checks, and George is +going to do it for half that." + + +THE COP--"The driver of a hearse asked me just now which was the way +to the cemetery, and I told him." + +THE CAPTAIN--"Don't do it again. You're being paid as a policeman, not +as a funeral director." + + +"What are you going to make of your son Charley?" I asked. + +"Well," replied Charley's father, "I made a doctor of Bob, a lawyer of +Ralph, and a minister of Bert; and Joe is a literary man. I think I'll +make a laboring man of Charley. I want one of them to have a little +money."--_Life_. + + + _The Other Fellow's Job_ + + I seldom quarrel with the universe; + Things could be better, could be better far. + But, on the other hand, they could be worse-- + And so I rather leave them as they are. + + But one thing though, could easily be done: + If Bill could only make a trade with Bob + The world would be so glad--if everyone + Could only have the other fellow's job! + + The other fellow surely has a snap! + If at a desk he works, he needn't roam, + He needn't wander up and down the map-- + He knows the joy and comfort of a home. + + Or if the other fellow something sells + Upon the road, a lucky man is he-- + To see the country, live at good hotels, + And have a job with some variety. + + The other fellow!--luckiest of men!-- + Here's where creation surely made a slip: + The fellow on the road should push a pen, + The fellow at a desk should tote a grip. + + We never shall be happy, truly glad, + We never shall be really comforted, + Until we trade the job we've always had + And get the other fellow's job instead. + + I see no other way to do--unless + We might do this: Forget a little while + The easy jobs that other men possess, + Get busy with your own, and with a smile. + + For after all, they're not so different: + Each has its time of laughter and of sob, + But each the joy of service. Be content-- + Your job's as good as any fellow's job. + + +MISTRESS (to butler)--"Why is it, John, every time I come home I find +you sleeping?" + +"Well, ma'am, it's this way: I don't like to be a-doing _nothing_." + + +LAZY MIKE--"I have a new position with the railroad company." + +WEARY RHODES--"What ja gona do?" + +LAZY MIKE--"You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and taps +the axles to see if everything's all right? Well, I help him listen." + + + + +OCEAN TRAVEL + + +"Terribly rough, isn't it?" said the stranger on the ocean liner. + +"Wal," replied the man from the farm, "'twouldn't be so rough if the +cap'n would only keep in the furrows!" + + +The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck fittings +had already been swept overboard when the captain decided to send up a +signal of distress. But hardly had the rocket burst over the ship when +a solemn-faced passenger stepped on to the bridge. "Captain," he said, +"I'd be the last man on earth to cast a damper on any man, but it +seems to me that this is no time for letting off fireworks." + + +PASSENGER (after first night on board ship)--"I say, where have all my +clothes vanished to?" + +STEWARD--"Where did you put them last night?" + +PASSENGER--"I folded them up carefully and put them in that cupboard +over there." + +STEWARD--"I see no cupboard, sir." + +PASSENGER--"Are you blind, man? I mean that one with the round glass +door to it." + +STEWARD--"Lor' bless me, sir; that ain't no cupboard. That's the +porthole." + + + + +OFFICE BOYS + + +Boss--"Can't you find something to do?" + +OFFICE BOY--"Gee whiz: Am I expected to do the work and find it, too?" + + +A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his +office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office boy, +comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were +appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between +Tommy and another office boy on the same floor, which he recently +overheard. + +"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy. + +"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy. + +"Aw, g'wan!" + +"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in cash an' de +rest in legal advice." + + +"I can't keep the visitors from coming up," said the office boy, +dejectedly, to the president. "When I say you're out they simply say +they must see you." + +"Well," said the president, "just tell them that's what they all say." + +That afternoon there called at the office a young lady. The boy +assured her it was impossible to see the president. + +"But I'm his wife," said the lady. + +"Oh, that's what they all say," said the boy. + + +Into the office of a business man rushed a bright faced lad. For three +minutes he waited and then began, to show signs of impatience. + +"Excuse me, sir," he said at length, "I'm in a hurry." + +"Well, what do you want?" asked the business man. + +"A job!" + +"But why the hurry?" + +"Got to hurry," replied the lad briefly. "Left school yesterday, and +haven't struck anything suitable yet. The only place where I can stay +long is where they pay me for it." + +"How much do you want?" + +"Fifteen dollars a week for a start." + +"And when can you come?" + +"Don't need to come; I'm here. I could have been at work five minutes +ago if you'd only said so." + + +BOSS (to new boy)--"You're the slowest youngster we've ever had. +Aren't you quick at anything?" + +BOY--"Yes, sir; nobody can get tired as quickly as I can." + + +A small boy went into a business office that displayed a sign, "Boy +Wanted." + +"What kind of a boy does youse want?" he asked of the manager. + +"Why, a decent boy," said the manager. "One who is quick, doesn't +swear, smoke cigarettes, whistle round the office, shoot craps--" + +"Aw, gee, boss," interrupted the boy, "youse don't want a boy; youse +wants a girl." + + +"How does your boy Josh like his job in the city?" + +"First-rate," replied the father. "He knows more about the business +than the man that owns it." + +"Who told you that?" + +"Josh did. All he's got to do now is to convince the boss of it, an' +git promoted." + + +"Why, look here," said the merchant who was in need of a boy, "aren't +you the same boy who was in here a week ago?" + +"Yes, sir," said the applicant. + +"I thought so. And didn't I tell you then that I wanted an older boy?" + +"Yes, sir. That's why I'm back. I'm older now." + + + + +OFFICE-SEEKERS + + +Mayor Mitchel of New York was talking at a dinner about +office-seekers. + +"A good man had just died," he said, "and with unseemly haste an +office-seeker came after his job. + +"Yes, sir, tho the dead man hadn't been buried, yet this office-seeker +came to me and said, breathlessly: + +"'Mr. Mayor, do you see any objection to my being put in poor Tom +Smith's place?' + +"'Why, no,' said I. 'Why, no, I see no objection, if the undertaker +doesn't.'" + + +No matter how hard a man runs for office he is perfectly satisfied to +win in a walk. + + +There is seldom a collision between the office seeking the man and the +man seeking the office. + + +"There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to land a +political job." + +"Well, what does he do now?" + +"Nothing--he's got the job." + + +Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the peace in +the "black bottom" part of town. One bar there was to his preferment: +he could neither read nor write. His master advised him to go to the +commissioner of elections and ask whether he was eligible. Mose went +and returned. + +"What did he tell you, Mose?" inquired the master. + +"It's all right, sah," answered Mose; "dat gen'lemun suttinly was +kind, yas, suh. He tole me Ah was illegible fo' dat office." + + + + +OFFICERS + + +OFFICER--"I ketched this here mut pinchin' bananas off a fruit-stand." + +MAGISTRATE--"Aha! 'personating an officer! Two years."--_Life_. + + +COMMANDER--"What's his character apart from this leave-breaking?" + +PETTY OFFICER--"Well, sir, this man 'e goes ashore when 'e likes; 'e +comes off when 'e likes; 'e uses 'orrible language when 'e's +spoken to; in fact, from 'is general be'avior, 'e might be a +orficer!"--_Punch_. + + +PROFESSOR--"What! Forgotten your pencil again, Jones! What would you +think of a soldier without a gun?" + +JONES (an ex-service man)--"I'd think he was an officer." + + + + +OLD AGE + + +_See_ Age. + + + + +OLD CLOTHES + + +_See_ Clothing. + + + + +OPPORTUNITY + + +"But didn't Opportunity ever knock at your door?" + +"Probably." + +"And you didn't answer it?" + +"I? Of course not. What do you think the servants are for?" + + +Lazyman, Contentedman, and Busyman lived together in the same house. +One day, when only Lazyman and Contentedman were at home, Opportunity +knocked. + +As Lazyman made not the slightest move to go to the door, Contentedman +went and opened it. + +"I am Opportunity," said the visitor, "and I have something very +wonderful for you." + +Lazyman yawned and said nothing. + +Contentedman courteously explained that he was not interested, for the +very good reason that he had everything he wanted. + +"I believe Busyman also lives here," said Opportunity. "Where is he? I +know he would be glad to see me." + +"Indeed he would, but he's out. He's always busy running around. +You're not the first Opportunity that he's missed. Opportunities have +been knocking here regularly for years, but he's never at home. I tell +him it doesn't pay to be so busy." + +Opportunity walked away with dejected mien.--_Life_. + + + How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds, + Makes ill deeds done! + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + + +OPTIMISM + + +A part of what we might term the optimist's philosophy is--If you +can mend a situation mend it; if you can't mend it forget it.--_Ralph +Waldo Trine_. + + +If your confidence needs buttressing, just stop for a moment and +consider that this old world in which we have found such happiness has +throughout the past ages been visited by every catastrophe of which +the human mind can conceive, and from each of these dark periods it +has emerged always and eternally a progressive world. + +Finally, I say, cheer up. Let's look on the bright side rather than +the dark side, and above all let us understand that there are no +insurmountable obstacles standing in the path of our progress, that we +are competent to solve the things that confront us, that they will +be solved, and that humankind will be benefited by the virtue of +our assuming an optimism in which we are fully justified.--_Lewis L. +Clark_. + + +LANDLADY--"Just when are you going to pay your arrears of room rent?" + +HARD-UP AUTHOR--"As soon as I receive the check which the publisher +will send me if he accepts the novel I am about to commence when I +have found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration." + + +An optimist is anybody who thinks he can write a new humorous +definition of an optimist or a pessimist. A pessimist is the same +person after he has made a serious attempt to do so. + + +An optimist looks at an oyster and expects a pearl. A pessimist looks +at an oyster and expects ptomaine poisoning. + + +THE OPTIMIST (who has just been struck by a passing motor-car)--"Glory +be! If this isn't a piece o' luck! Sure, 'tis the docther himself +that's in ut."--_Punch_. + + +"What's an optimist?" + +"An optimist is a person who'll go into a restaurant without a cent in +his pocket and figure on paying for the meal with the pearl he hopes +to find in the oyster." + + +"An optimist is a man who cherishes vain hopes, and a pessimist a man +who nurses vain regrets." + +"And what is a man who does both?" + +"Oh, he's just a plain ordinary human." + + + + +ORIGINALITY + + +A certain little girl was discovered by her mother engaged in a +spirited encounter with a small friend who had got considerably +worsted in the engagement. + +"Don't you know, dear," said the mother, "that it is very wicked to +behave so? It was Satan that put it into your head to pull Elsie's +hair." + +"Well, perhaps it was," the child admitted, "but kicking her shins was +entirely my own idea." + + + + +OSTRICH + + + The ostrich is a foolish bird, + With scarcely any mind, + He often runs away so fast, + He leaves himself behind. + + And when he gets there, has to stand + And wait around till night, + Without a single thing to do, + Until he comes in sight. + + --_Mary Wilkins Freeman_. + + + + +OUIJA BOARD + + +"Do you think Mrs. Spinnix cheated at the ouija board?" + +"I wouldn't go so far as to say she cheated," replied Miss Cayenne, +"But I couldn't help noticing that it mispelled some of its words the +same way she does." + + +Harry came home about five o'clock and his face and hands were +very clean and his hair stood on end. His mother took one look and +exclaimed: "Harry, I told you not to go swimmin' with Bob Ross." + +"How do you know that I have been swimmin'?" asked Harry. + +"Never mind who told me, but I know that you have been swimmin'," +replied his mother. + +After a while Harry said: "I'll just bet you anything that Mrs. Ross +was over here this afternoon, and you and Mrs. Ross had that ouija +board out."--_Judge_. + + +Breathlessly the spiritualistically inclined lady bent over the ouija +spelling out the communications from her departed spouse. + +"John, are you happy there?" she asked. + +"Yes, d-e-a-r." + +"Are you happier than you were on the earth." + +"Yes, d-e-a-r." + +"Ah," she breathed. "Heaven must be a wonderful place." + +"I g-u-e-s-s s-o, b-u-t I-m n-o-t t-h-e-r-e y-e-t." + + +"Well," said Farmer Corntossel, "I reckon I've done a pretty good +afternoon's work." + +"But all you did," commented Jud Tunkins, contemptuously, "was to sit +on the fence and whittle." + +"Yes; but what I whittled up was the family ouija board." + + + + +PARENTS + + + _When Ma Is Sick_ + + When Ma is sick she pegs away; + She's quiet, though; not much t' say. + She goes right on a-doin' things, + An' sometimes laughs and even sings. + She says she don't feel extra well. + But then it's just a kind o' spell. + She'll be all right tomorrow sure, + A good old sleep will be the cure. + An' Pa he sniffs an' makes no kick, + For women folks is always sick, + An' Ma, she smiles, lets on she's glad-- + When Ma is sick it ain't so bad. + + _When Pa Is Sick_ + When Pa is sick, he's scared to death, + An' Ma an' us just holds our breath. + He crawls in bed, an' puffs and grunts, + And does all kinds of crazy stunts. + He wants "Doc" Brown, an' mighty quick, + For when Pa's ill he's mighty sick. + He gasps and groans, an' sort o' sighs, + He talks so queer, an' rolls his eyes. + Ma jumps an' runs, an' all of us, + An' all the house is in a fuss. + An' peace and joy is mighty skeerce-- + When Pa is sick, it's something fierce. + + +"Come upstairs, and let me wash your hands," said mother, when she +arrived with her little daughter for tea at granny's. + +"I don't want to go up," wailed Winnie, aged four. + +"Let her wash them down in the kitchen," called grand-mamma. "She can +do it just as well." + +"No," her mother said firmly. "I want her to come up with me!" + +Winnie went upstairs as slowly as possible. + +"Oh," said she, turning a wrathful tearful face to her mother, "Why +don't you obey your mother?" + + + _Three Children_ + Three children sliding on the ice + Upon a summer's day. + As it fell out they all fell in, + The rest they ran away. + Now, had these children been at home, + Or sliding on dry ground, + Ten thousand pounds to one penny + They had not all been drowned. + You parents all that children have, + And you too that have none, + If you would have them safe abroad + Pray keep them safe at home. + + +WILLIE--"I guess my dad must have been a pretty bad boy." + +TOMMIE--"What makes you think that?" + +WILLIE--"Because he knows exactly what questions to ask me when he +wants to know what I have been doing."--_Puck_. + + +Daddy came home from the office early one evening and mother had not +returned from some friends whom she had been visiting for tea. + +Little four-year-old Gwennie ran up to her father's side. "Daddy," she +cried, "I've been wanting to see you for a long time when mother's not +near." + +"Why, my little girl?" asked father. + +"Well, dad," answered Gwennie, "please don't tell mother, because +she's an awful dear, but I don't think she knows much about bringing +up children." + +"What makes you think that?" asked her father. + +"Well," replied Gwennie, "she makes me go to bed when I am wide awake +and she makes me get up when I am awfully sleepy." + + +BOBBY--"Daddy, look! There's an aeroplane." + +ABSORBED DADDY--"Yes, dear--don't touch it." + + + + +PARROTS + + +"Mercy! How that bird swears!" exclaimed the would-be purchaser. "What +would my husband say?" + +"I dunno, ma'am," replied the dealer. "But whatever it was this 'ere +parrot could repeat it right over after him." + + +OLD LADY--"I want you to change that parrot I bought from you--he +doesn't speak at all, and you said he'd repeat every word he heard." + +SHOPMAN--"Yes, madam, and so he would--but you took him in such a +hurry that I hadn't time to tell you he was deaf." + + +A.E. Clark, editor of The City Bulletin, of Columbus, Ohio, was with a +friend who was campaigning for the Red Cross. The friend knocked at a +door and a voice said, "Come in." + +His friend tried the door, then shouted, "It's locked!" + +"Come in," repeated the voice, and the campaigner replied: + +"It's locked." + +"Come in." + +"It's locked." + +At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door and said: + +"There's no one at home. You're talking to the parrot." + + + + +PARTNERSHIP + + +The partners of a well-known Stock Exchange house were having a dinner +conference at an uptown hotel. One of them appeared worried during the +progress of the meal, and finally he was queried as to the cause of +his fit of abstraction. + +"I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the safe before +I left the office," he replied. + +"Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all here." + + +"I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quarter." + +"Why, I just paid a quarter to have it cleaned." + +"Tain't half done." + +"Come, come, that isn't a nice way to abuse a fellow worker." + +"Oh, dat's all right--he's me pardner." + + +A bright German gentleman, retired from business, relates the +following little anecdote: + +"Going down to New York the other night on the boat," said he, "I got +chatting with a German acquaintance, and asked him what he was doing. + +"'Veil', he replied, 'shoost now I am doing nodings, but I have made +arrangements to go into pizness.' + +"'Glad to hear it. What are you going into?' + +"'Veil, I guess into partnership mit a man.' + +"'Do you put in much capital?' + +"'No; I doesn't put in no gabital.' + +"'Don't want to risk it, eh?' + +"'No; but I puts in de experience.' + +"'And he puts in the capital?' + +"'Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he puts in de +gabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de dree year I will +have de gabital, and he will have de experience!'" + + + + +PEACE + + +"Why were all the nations fighting, papa?" + +"To make the world safe for democracy, my son." + +"Is the world safe for democracy now, papa?" + +"It will be, when we have peace." + +"When will we have peace, papa?" + +"When the world is safe for democracy." + +"Will the nations always fight to have peace, papa?" + +"Yes, always, my son." + + +A certain people were much given to deploring war. War, they kept +insisting, was poor business. + +Their King heard them, but he didn't take them seriously. The very +first chance he got he picked a quarrel with a neighboring Power, and, +that done, he lifted up his voice in the old way. + +"The fatherland is in danger!" he cried. "The honor of the nation is +assailed! My children, be patriots!" + +But they couldn't see him. "Not on your life!" they made answer. "You +can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all of +the time, but you can not fool all the people all the time!" + +Whereupon the King made haste to patch up his quarrel and was very +careful forever after not to pick another. + +This fable teaches that we have still some distance to go before +universal peace can be anything but a joke. + + + + +PEDESTRIANS + + +"You know," said the lady whose motor-car had run down a man, "you +must have been walking very carelessly. I am a very careful driver. I +have been driving a car for seven years." + +"Lady, you've got nothing on me. I've been walking for fifty-four +years." + + +Chug-Chug! Br-r! Br-r-r! Honk! Honk! Gilligillug-gilligillug! + +The pedestrian paused at the intersection of two busy cross streets. + +He looked about. A motor-car was rushing at him from one direction, a +motorcycle from another, a steam truck was coming from behind, and a +taxicab was speedily approaching. + +Zip-zip! Zing-glug! + +He looked up, and saw directly above him an air-ship in rapid descent. + +There was but one chance. He was standing upon a manhole cover. +Quickly seizing it, he lifted the lid and jumped into the hole just in +time to be run over by an underground train. + + + + +PENMANSHIP + + +Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away when the +clerk asked: + +"Beg pardon, but what is your name?" + +"Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my signature there +on the register?" + +"I do," returned the clerk calmly. "That is what aroused my +curiosity." + + + + +PEP + + Vigor, vitality, vim and punch-- + That's Pep! + The courage to act on a sudden hunch-- + That's Pep! + The nerve to tackle the hardest thing + With feet that climb and hands that cling, + And a heart that never forgets to sing-- + That's Pep. + + Sand and grit in a concrete base-- + That's Pep! + Friendly smile on an honest face-- + That's Pep! + The spirit that helps when another's down, + That knows how to scatter the blackest frown, + That loves its neighbor, and loves its town-- + That's Pep. + + To say "I will," for you know you can-- + That's Pep! + To look for the best in every man-- + That's Pep! + To meet each thundering knock-out blow, + And come back strong, because you know + You'll get the best of the whole damned show-- + That's Pep. + + --_Henry W. Stern_. + + + + +PERCENTAGE + + +"Speaking of percentages." said the old-time politician, "reminds me +of Tom Bledsoe, who had the butcher shop in our town. He used to buy +rabbits from the boys. One day he hung up a sign announcing rabbit +sausage for sale. People wondered what it was, took a hack at it, and +liked it. Pretty soon he was selling rabbit sausage by the wagon-load. + +"But the pure-food inspectors came prying around, and asked Tom how he +could make so much sausage when he got only a few dozen rabbits a day. +Finally he admitted that there was some horse-meat in the sausage. +Then they wanted to know how much horse-meat. After a long grilling he +said it was fifty per cent. When pressed further by his questioners, +he explained that fifty per cent meant one rabbit to one horse." + + + + +PERSISTENCE + + +Persistence can accomplish two things--it can make one either a +success or a bore. + + + _Fishin'_ + + "Supposin" fish don't bite at first, + What are you goin' to do? + Throw down your pole, chuck out your bait + And say your fishin's through? + + "You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish + An' fish, an' fish, an' wait + Until you've ketched a bucketful + Or used up all your bait. + + "Suppose success don't come at first, + What are you goin' to do? + Throw up the sponge and kick yourself + And growl, and fret, and stew? + + "You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish + An' bait, an' bait ag'in, + Until success will bite your hook. + For grit is sure to win." + + + + +PERSUASION + + +"Mother," said a twelve-year-old of Baltimore, "did you tell father I +wanted a new bicycle?" + +"Yes, dear," said the mother, "I told him; but he said he couldn't +afford to buy you one." + +"Of course he'd say that; but what did you do?" + +"I told him how badly you wanted it, and argued in favor of it, but he +refused." + +"Argued! Oh, mother, if it had been something you wanted yourself +you'd have cried a little and then you'd have got it." + + +Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he talks.--_Colley Gibber_. + + +Few are open to conviction, but the majority of men are open to +persuasion.--_Goethe_. + + + + +PESSIMISM + + +TED--"What's the difference between a pessimist and a cynic?" + +NED--"The pessimist is without hope, while the cynic is sure you'll +always be able to get a drink if you have the price."--_Life_. + + + _The Pessimist_ + + Nothing to do but work, + Nothing to eat but food, + Nothing to wear but clothes, + To keep one from going nude. + + Nothing to breathe but air, + Quick as a flash 'tis gone; + Nowhere to fall but off, + Nowhere to stand but on. + + Nothing to comb but hair, + Nowhere to sleep but in bed, + Nothing to weep but tears, + Nothing to bury but dead. + + Nothing to sing but songs, + Ah, well, alas! alack! + Nowhere to go but out, + Nowhere to come but back. + + Nothing to see but sights, + Nothing to quench but thirst, + Nothing to have but what we've got + Thus through life we are cursed. + + Nothing to strike but a gait; + Everything moves that goes. + Nothing at all but common sense + Can ever withstand these woes. + + --_Ben King_. + + +It was a mile over Mount Clemens. + +The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field was giving a visiting +officer his first air voyage. + +He cut off the motor. + +"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty per cent of them think +we are going to fall." + +"They've got nothing on us," was the reply that streamed for a half a +mile back of the plane; "fifty per cent of us do." + + +THE PESSIMIST--"The best luck any man can have is never to have been +born; but that seldom happens to any one." + + +Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to predict bad +weather." + +"Why's that?" + +"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be wrong." + + +Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to +meet. There was the usual exchange of wit. + +"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad. + +"Dunno," replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some daffydils +in front of our trench." + +"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted +acorns." + + +_See also_ Irish bulls; Optimism. + + + + +PHILADELPHIA + + +The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the most +important contribution toward civic improvement. A fine opportunity +for manufacturers of alarm clocks. + + + + +PHILANTHROPISTS + + +WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the hospital)--"Well, we'll bring +the car tomorrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, by +the bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show--the +last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in +the streets could see."--_Punch_. + + + + +PHILOSOPHY + + +Rube Wilkins says--"You can't get ahead while you're kickin' any more +than a mule can." + + +All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain." +--_Epictetus_. + + +The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.--_Henry +Ward Beecher_. + + +Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition. +--_Bulwer-Lytton_. + + + + +PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS + +_See_ Doctors. + + + + +PITTSBURG + + +PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New York)--"Ten cents? +Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to Hades for a nickel." + +CENTRAL--"But this is a long-distance call." + + + + +PLEASURE + + +Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small +glasses.--_Romainville_. + + + + +POETRY + + +EDITOR--"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an escape of +gas." + +WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTOR--"Ah, I see! Something wrong with the meter." + + + Your poem must _eternal_ be, + Dear sir, it can not fail, + For 'tis incomprehensible, + And wants both _head_ and _tail_. + + --_S.T. Coleridge_. + + +"What is poetry of motion?" + +"The kind that's always going from one editor to another." + + +They were dancing the one-step. The music was heavenly. The swish +of her silken skirts was divine. The fragrance of the roses upon her +bosom was really intoxicating. + +"Ah," she smiled, sweetly, with an arch look up into his face, "you +remind me of one of Whitman's poems." + +A sudden dizziness seemed to seize him. It was as if he were floating +in a dream. When he had sufficiently gained his breath he spoke: + +"Which one?" + +"Oh, any one," she replied. "The feet are mixed in all of +them."--_Everybody's_. + + + + +POETS + + + Sir, I admit your general rule, + That every poet is a fool, + But you yourself may serve to show it, + That every fool is not a poet. + + --_Alexander Pope_. + + +Witter Bynner is said to have worked off a pretty good one at the +Poetry Society banquet. Some one asked him if Burns and Noyes could +not be likened to each other. Bynner replied: "Well, you can feel +Burns, while you can only hear Noyes." + + +When Masefield, the British poet, visited Yale, he finished his +evening's talk and readings earlier than was expected, and the +chairman of the meeting suggested that the poet should read any poem +requested by the audience. The audience, as usually happens, was +dumb. It was an awkward moment. Finally, one of the younger English +Department members rushed agitatedly into the breach. + +"Won't you please read 'The Tewksbury Road,' Mr. Masefield?" + +The poet looked amazed, then puzzled, and at last said with +a hesitating desire not to offend "these singular Americans": +"Ah--er--I--ah!--would be charmed to do so--really--but I've just read +it!" + + +Professor Alfred Noyes, the English poet, it is known, likes very much +to read his works aloud to his friends, and at Princeton, with so many +young men under him, he is usually able to gratify this liking to the +full. The other day Professor Noyes said to a junior who had called +about an examination: "Wait a minute. Don't go yet. I want to show you +the proofs of my new book of poems." But the junior made for the door +frantically. "No, no," he said. "I don't need proofs. Your word is +enough for me, professor." + + +HE--"I tore up that poem I wrote last week." + +SHE--"Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever did." + + +The little agricultural village had been billed with "Lecture on +Keats" for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at length, bringing +the lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. The advertised chairman, +taken ill at the last moment, was replaced by a local farmer. This +worthy introduced the lecturer and terminated his remarks by saying: + +"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what 1 personally have +often wondered--what are Keats?" + + + + +POLICE + + +"Why doesn't the policeman pay his fare?" inquired the old gentleman +on the twopenny tram, observing that no money passed between the +constable and the conductor. + +"Well, you know, sir," explained the conductor, "you can't get +twopence out of a copper." + + +"Gent up-town telephones for an officer at once. Burglar in the +house." + +"Let me see," said the captain, reflectively. "I've got four men +censoring plays, two inspecting the gowns at a society function, and +two more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can send him an officer +in about two hours." + + +JUDGE--"You let the burglar go to arrest an automobilist?" + +POLICEMAN--"Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to the resources of +the State; the burglar goes to prison, and the State has to pay for +his keep."--_Life_. + + + + +POLITENESS + + +Politeness is the art of getting what you want. + + +MRS. SMITH--"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my dear." + +SMITH--"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot more people would +have it." + + +"Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in from +down-town. "Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again to his +wife's funeral." + +"Wal, you're goin' to be, ain't ye?" asked the farmer's better half. + +"I dunno. Y' know, when Deacon Jones's fust wife died, he asked me to +be a pall-bearer, an' I did; and then his second wife died, an' I was +the same again. An' then he married thet Perkins gal, and she died, +and I was pall-bearer to that funeral. An' now--wal, I don't like to +be all the time acceptin' favors without bein' able to return 'em." + + +Dickie's father was shocked to see his son kick his little playmate. + +"Why did you kick John?" he asked, severely. + +"I am tired of playing with him. I want him to go home," was Dickie's +answer. + +"Then why didn't you ask him to go home?" + +"Oh"--it was Dickie's turn to be shocked--"why, daddy, that wouldn't +be polite!" + + +_See also_ Etiquet. + + + + +POLITICAL PARTIES + + +Kane, Pa., May 21.--During a circus parade here today one of the +elephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its trunk in the air +and brought it down with a resounding thump on a mule at the curb +quietly watching the sights. + +Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, took aim, +and kicked twice. His hoofs caught the elephant squarely on the +knees. The elephant stopped for an instant, but sought no further +interchanges with the mule and finished the parade with a decided +limp. + + +When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in Maine he asked +if there was a Democrat in the audience. An old long whiskered man +rose in the back of the room and said, "I am a Democrat." Roosevelt +then asked him why he was a Democrat and he said: "I've always been a +Democrat, my father was a Democrat and my grandfather was a Democrat." +Roosevelt then said: "Then if your father had been a horsethief and +your grandfather had been a horsethief you would be a horsethief?" +"No," he said, "I would be a Republican." + + +In an Americanization class in one of our large cities, Achilles +Bonglis, a Greek, about fifty years old, was called upon to recite the +oath of allegiance, and did so promptly: + +"I pledge allegiance to our flag and the _Republicans_ for which it +stands." + + +MEMBROOKE--"Backus seems to be a very popular candidate. Is he running +on the Progressive ticket?" + +YISTLEY--"No, the Retrogressive, His platform is five-cent trolleys, +ten-cent bread, three-dollar shoes and 1913 rents." + + +A prominent Chicago politician, when a candidate for an important +municipal office, related the following story of his campaign. + +"Once I told three negroes that I'd give a big turkey to the one who'd +give the best reason for his being a Republican. + +"The first one said: 'I'se a 'publican kase de 'publican set us +niggers free.' + +"'Very good, Pete,' said I. 'Now, Bill, let me hear from you.' + +"'Well, I'se a 'publican kase dey don' gib us a pertective tariff.' + +"'Fine!' I exclaimed. 'Now, Sam, what have you to say?' + +"'Boss," said Sam, scratching his head and shifting from one foot to +the other, 'boss, I'se a 'publican kase I wants dat turkey.' + +"And he got it." + + + + +POLITICIANS + + +"And why is he here?" we inquired, stopping in front of Padded Cell +No. 44. + +"He was a politician and when he finally got in office he really tried +to carry out his campaign pledges," replied the attendant.--_Judge_. + + +"Do you find public office an easy berth?" + +"I shouldn't exactly call it a berth," said Senator Sorghum, +thoughtfully. "It's more like a hammock: hard to get into comfortably, +and still harder to get out of gracefully." + + + Here lies Mr. Blank, who, on politics bent, + Was at first quite unable to say what he meant; + But schooled by experience, he soon went ahead, + Once he saw that he never need mean what he said. + + +"I hope that Wilhelm has not decided to take up politics," mused +Senator Sorghum. + +"Why?" + +"Because a military man can be definitely disposed of, but a +politician never quits." + + +In Colorado, remember, the women vote as well as the men. + +In the fall of 1910 a man named Smith was running for sheriff against +a man named Jones. One evening just before election Smith rode up to +the barn-yard of an old farmer. The farmer was milking a cow and was +having difficulty with a lusty calf that continually tried to "butt +in." The candidate, to gain the favor of the farmer, took the calf +between his legs and held it until the milking was done. He then +introduced himself: "I am Mr. Smith, the Republican candidate for +sheriff of the county. I suppose you know the man who's running +against me?" + +The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I reckon I do. +He's in the house now, holding the baby."--_Everybody's_. + + +"Some of your constituents are disagreeing with you," said the trusted +lieutenant. + +"Well, keep tab on them," replied Senator Sorghum; "when enough +disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'm going to turn +around and agree with them." + + +"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your arguments?" + +"If they did," answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come around +and explain some of 'em to me." + + +"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" inquired the +Professor. + +"I can," said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do you refer?" + + +"My proudest boast," declared the politician, who expected this +statement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of the men +behind the guns." + +"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery. + + +"What is your opinion of relativity?" + +"I approve of it," replied Senator Sorghum. + +"Then you understand it thoroughly?" + +"Friend, if I had always been required to understand thoroughly +everything I approved of I should have transacted considerable less +political business." + + +"I'm sorry you were defeated," said a sympathetic friend of the +candidate. + +"Perhaps it is better so." + +"That's the better way to look at it." + +"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with all +the family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred living +relatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for more than half +of them." + + +_See also_ Public speakers. + + + + +POLITICS + + +GREEN--"What is the hardest work you ever did?" + +CITY EMPLOYEE--"The work I did landing this job, and the next hardest +is the work of keeping it from being taken away from me."--_Judge_. + + +"I am out of politics for good," announced the Political Boss. + +"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter. + + +POLITICAL BOSS--"So you wish to enter politics, madam. What are your +qualifications?" + +LADY APPLICANT--"Well, I have served three terms as a member of the +Board of Education." + + +YOUNG 'UN--"I'm taking political economy at college." + +OLD 'UN--"That's a useless course. Why learn to economize in politics? +It's not being done." + + +FIRST PASSENGER--"I understand that your city has the rottenest +political ring in the country." + +SECOND PASSENGER--"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?" + +FIRST PASSENGER--"I don't." + + +PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election fund)--"Dave, what +happened to you before you reached the polls?" + +DAVE (an old negro)--"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a man stopped me +an' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you to go right down to +de polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the Republican candidate for +Congress and a very fine man.'" + +PROSECUTOR--"Did you take the money?" + +DAVE--"O, yassir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz goin' on down de +street another man stops me and says: 'Dave, heah's seven dollahs; I +want you to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he's +the Democratic nominee for Congress and a very fine man.'" + +PROSECUTOR--"Did you take that money, too, Dave?" + +DAVE--"O, yassir, I took dat money, too, suh." + +PROSECUTOR--"Then, Dave, how did you vote?" + +DAVE--"Well, suh, after speculatin' quite a spell, suh, as to what a +niggah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I walks right into de +polls and votes de straight Republican ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered, +suh, dat dis here Republican man, he war de least corrupt ob de two." + + +"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark horse?" + +"No," declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It would require +a great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a dark horse." + + +YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Father, what is a traitor in politics?" + +VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes +over to the other one." + +YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and +comes over to yours?" + +VETERAN POLITICIAN--"A convert, my son." + + +During a municipal campaign in Chicago a politician dropped in one +morning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation that took +place, the politician asked, "And I may count upon your support, may I +not?" + +"Why, no, I am sorry to say," replied the grocer. "The fact is, I have +promised my support to the other candidate." + +The politician laughed. "Ah," said he, "in politics, promising and +performing are two different things." + +"In that case," said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad to give +you my promise, sir." + + +STRANGER--"Upon what plan are your city institutions conducted?" + +CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system--without any +George."--_Puck_. + + + + +POSTAL SERVICE + + +WILLIS--"What did you think of that fellow's carrying the message to +Garcia?" + +GILLIS--"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post Office service, it +was the only way he could get it to him." + + +COUNTRY LADY--"I've been expecting a packet of medicine by post for a +week, and haven't received it yet." + +POST-OFFICE CLERK--"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state +the nature of your complaint." + +LADY--"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion." + + +Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every letter she +gets somebody is always printing on the outside: "Join the Navy." She +declares to goodness she never thought of such a thing and if they +don't stop she'll have the law on them. + + +DASHER--"This parcel-post package is being delivered in unusually +quick time. How do you account for it?" + +MAIL-CARRIER--"The department thought it contained a time-bomb, +sir."-_Judge_. + + +FANNING--"What's become of that rubber stamp, 'Dictated, but not +read,' that you used to use on your letters?" + +DASHER--"I threw it away and got one that prints, 'Mailed, but not +delivered.'" + + + + +POVERTY + + +Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is prophylactic +rather than therapeutic, but in point of results he is in a class by +himself. + +His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention in big +doses. + +Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. Nobody else cuts out so many +things that are not good for us. + +In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is in charge +of a case no other practitioner is apt to interfere. + + +We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, were it not +that the world treats it so much as a crime.--_Boree_. + + +Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to +know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing +yet.--_Pericles_. + + + Want is a bitter and a hateful good, + Because its virtues are not understood; + Yet many things, impossible to thought, + Have been by need to full perfection brought. + + --_Dryden_. + + +Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings +with holes to having them darned: "A hole," said he, "may be the +accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn +is premeditated poverty." + + + + +PRAISE + + +The highest praise for a man is to give him responsibility. + + +A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the former, who +has been none too successful of late, exclaimed gloomily: + +"People will praise my work after I am dead." + +"Well," said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you are right, +but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice to make for a +little praise?" + + +"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own praises." + +"And what's that?" + +"He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music home and +can't play without his notes." + + + The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art, + Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart: + The proud, to gain it, toils on toils endure; + The modest shun it, but to make it sure. + + --_Young_. + + + Praising what is lost, + Makes the remembrance dear. + + --_Shakespeare_. + + + + +PRAYERS + + +A very nice and gentle minister accepted a call to a new church in a +town where many of the members bred horses and sometimes raced them. A +few weeks later he was asked to invite the prayers of the congregation +for Lucy Grey. Willingly and gladly he did so for three Sundays. On +the fourth one of the deacons told the minister he need not do it any +more. + +"Why," asked the good man, with an anxious look, "is she dead?" + +"Oh, no," said the deacon; "she's won the steeplechase." + + +The two men were adrift in an open boat and it looked bad for them. +Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray. + +"O Lord," he prayed, "I've broken most of Thy commandments. I've been +a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise Thee never +again--" + +"Wait a minute, Jack," said, his friend. "Don't go too far. I think I +see a sail." + + +Lindsley had the little hen fast and was trying to bring her head +close to the ground. + +"What might you be trying to do?" exclaimed her father coming upon the +small girl in the yard. + +"I'm trying to make this hen say her prayers." + +"Well," said the parent sadly, "I hope she'll say: 'Now I lay me.'" + + +BROWN (on fishing trip)--"Boys, the boat is sinking! Is there any one +here who knows how to pray?" + +JONES (eagerly)--"I do." + +BROWN--"All right. You pray and the rest of us will put on life belts. +They's one shy." + + +A small boy, whose father is now on the other side with the Y.M.C.A., +was taught to say at the end of his prayer, "Please, God, make Graham +a good boy." One night he did not say it, and when his mother asked +him if he had not forgotten something, he said, "No; I thought I was +asking too much of God. I'd better do more myself." + + +GRANDSON (who hasn't decided yet just what branch of the service will +have the benefit of his talents)--"There seems to be quite a diversity +of opinion regarding what prayer to say in response to the Senate's +request for daily prayer for victory." + +GRANDMA (industriously knitting)--"Guess any of 'em will do, so long +as it isn't 'Now I lay me down to sleep.'" + + + "The proper way for a man to pray," + Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes, + "And the only proper attitude + Is down upon his knees." + + "No, I should say the way to pray," + Said Rev. Doctor Wise, + "Is standing straight with outstretched arms + And rapt and upturned eyes." + + "Oh, no, no, no," said Elder Slow, + "Such posture is too proud; + A man should pray with eyes fast closed + And head contritely bowed." + + "It seems to me his hands should be + Austerely clasped in front, + With both thumbs pointing to the ground," + Said Rev. Doctor Blunt. + + "Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well + Head first," said Cyrus Brown, + "With both my heels a-stickin' up, + My head a-pinting down; + + "An' I made a prayer right then an' there-- + Best prayer I ever said, + The prayingest prayer I ever prayed, + A-standing on my head." + + --_Sam Walter Foss_. + + +A young mother was about to hear her small girl's prayers when a +neighbor called and said she must see the mother right away. They +had been talking at the front door several minutes when a reproachful +little voice came from the top of the stairway: + +"Mamma, aren't you 'shamed to keep God waiting so long?" + + +It was the week before little Willie's birthday, and he was on his +knees at his bedside petitioning Divine Providence for presents in a +very loud voice. + +"Please send me," he shouted, "a bicycle, a tool chest, a--" + +"What are you praying so loud for?" his younger brother interrupted. +"God ain't deaf." + +"I know he ain't," said little Willie, winking toward the next room, +"but grandma is." + + +MARJORIE--"Will I get everything I pray for, mama?" + +MOTHER (cautiously)--"Everything that's good for you, dear." + +MARJORIE (disgustedly)--"Oh, what's the use, then; I get that +anyway."--_Life_. + + +One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That +night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised +to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our +dentists."--_Everybody's_. + + +SMALL YOUTH--"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, mother. I'm +goin' to take a chance."--_Life_. + + +Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he said +his prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's knee, he did not +mention the name of a favorite aunt. + +"Why, Bobby," said the mother, "you didn't say 'God bless Aunt +Beatrice and make her happy.'" + +"Well, mother," replied the little boy, "I don't have to say that any +more. Aunt Beatrice's engaged." + + +Two prominent senators, boyhood friends, were discussing how strict +had been their early religious training and how they had departed from +it in late years. Said A to B: "I don't believe you even remember the +Lord's Prayer, do you?" B answered: "Oh, yes, I do; I'm not such a +backslider as that." Then A said: "I'll bet a dollar you cannot say +the Lord's Prayer straight through." B promptly declared that he would +win that dollar and, after a moment's thoughtful hesitation, repeated +slowly: + + Now I lay me down to sleep, + I pray the Lord my soul to keep. + If I should die before I wake, + I pray the Lord my soul to take. + +"By Jove," said A, "here is your dollar; I didn't believe you could do +it." + + +"We'd have more prayers answered," said Bishop Hoss, of Muskogee, "if +we had more faith." + +"Too many of us are like Willie. Willie, on a visit to his uncle's in +the country, admired a fine colt. + +"'Uncle, give me that colt, will you?' he asked. + +"'Why, no, Willie,' said his uncle. 'That's a very valuable colt, +and I couldn't afford to give him to you. Do you want a colt so very +badly?' + +"'I'd rather have a colt than anything else in the world,' said +Willie. + +"'Then,' said his uncle. 'I'll tell you what you ought to do. Since +you want a colt that much, you ought to pray for one. Whenever I want +a thing I always pray for it, and then it is sure to come to me.' + +"'Is that so, uncle?' said Willie, eagerly. 'Won't you please give me +this colt, then, and pray for one for yourself?'" + + +An old darkey who was asked if, in his experience, prayer was ever +answered, replied: + +"Well, sah! some pra'rs is ansud, an' some isn't--'pends on wa't you +axes fo'. Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de +cullud breddern, I 'bsarved dat w'eneber I pway de Lord to sen' one o' +Marse Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de old man, dere was no notis took +ob de partition; but w'en I pway dat He would sen' de ole man fo' +de turkey, de matter was t'ended to befo' sun-up nex' morning', dead +sartin." + + + + +PREACHING + + +The railroad official invited the stern citizen to communicate his +troubles. + +"I want you to give orders," demanded the visitor, "that the engineer +of the express which passes through Elm Grove at 11:55 be restrained +from blowing his whistle Sunday mornings." + +"Impossible!" exploded the official. "What prompts you to make such a +ridiculous request?" + +"Well, you see," explained the citizen in an undertone, "our pastor +preaches until he hears the whistle blow and that confounded express +was twenty minutes late last Sunday." + + +The American in England affords cause for much perplexity and +astonishment to his English kinsmen. + +A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church wherein hundreds +of people were buried. + +"A great many people sleep between these walls," said the guide, +indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of his hand. + +"So?" said the Sammy. "Same way over in our country. Why don't you get +a more interesting preacher?" + + +A colored preacher called on a white minister. + +He found the white man busy writing. + +"What you-all doin'?" he asked. + +"I'm preparing notes for my sermon for next Sunday." + +The colored gentleman shook his head. + +"I certainly would nebber do dat, sir," he said. "De debbil am +a-lookin' right over your shoulder and knows everything you gwine to +say and he am prepared for you. Now, I don't make no notes and when +I gets up to talk, neder me nor de debbil hisself don't know what I'm +goin' to say." + + +Bishop Partridge is a collector of anecdotes about ministers, and in +an anecdotal mood he said the other day: + +"I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. He +answered grimly: + +"'Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory.' + +"'Yes,' I said a little puzzled. + +"'Yes, exactly,' said he. 'It was soothing because over half the +congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the other +half left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory, +inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again.'" + + +The minister had just preached his farewell sermon to the congregation +with whom he had had much trouble. + +"How beautiful!" said a visitor to one of the deacons, "and how +appropriate for a farewell sermon!" + +"Think so?" said the deacon gruffly. + +"Why, yes. What better text could he find than 'In My Father's house +are many mansions.... I go to prepare a place for you.' By the way, +where is he going?" + +The deacon smiled sourly as he answered: "He becomes chaplain of the +State penitentiary." + + +While a certain Scottish minister was conducting religious services in +an asylum for the insane, one of the inmates cried out wildly: + +"I say, have we got to listen to this?" + +The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said: + +"Shall I stop speaking?" + +The keeper replied: + +"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man +only has one lucid moment every seven years." + + +Mr. Bryan says his next statement will be divided into three parts. +Instinctively we recall the announcement of a mountaineer preacher who +said to his flock: + +"Brethren, I hev decided t' divide my sermon in three parts. Th' fust +part I'll understand an' you won't. Th' second part you'll understand +an' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll understand." + + +The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be a +door-keeper in the house of the Lord?" + +"Because," answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while the +sermon was being preached." + + +"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his Sunday +sermon," says the _Fort Scott (Kan.) Tribune_. + +"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be immortal, it +is not necessary to be eternal." + + +The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how well +you do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially true in +families. + +A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from New +York at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host had +delivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and one +of the New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think of +your father's sermon?" + +"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were three mighty +fine places where he could have stopped." + + +_See also_ Clergy. + + + + +PREJUDICE + + +Prejudice means "judging before" you have the facts. Never judge till +after you have the facts. Nothing is so utterly devoid of reason as a +passionate hatred of any race or class. All men are much the same when +you come to know them. Class or race faults are superficial. The human +qualities strike deep.--_Dr. Frank Crane_. + + +A prejudice is a conviction not shared by you. + + +"Do you like codfish?" + +"No, I don't like codfish, and I'm glad I don't like it, because if I +liked it I'd eat it, and I hate the damn stuff." + + + + +PREPAREDNESS + + +GRUBBS--"Are you planning to make any good resolutions?" + +STUBBS--"No, I am already pretty well stocked up in that way. You see, +I never used those I made last year." + + + + +PRESCRIPTIONS + + +"You must give up coffee and--" + +"I never drink it, doctor." + +"And stop smoking." + +"I don't smoke." + +"Humph! that's bad. If you haven't anything to give up, I'm afraid I +can't do much for you." + + +"Why do you bring a check with the cocktails?" + +"That isn't a check. That's the house chemist's certificate." + + +The curator of the museum was classifying Egyptian curios. He observed +a perplexed expression on the face of his young assistant. + +"What seems to be the matter, Jones?" he asked. "Is there anything you +don't understand?" + +"Yes, sir," answered the helper. "Here is a papyrus on which the +characters are so badly traced that they are indecipherable. How shall +I classify it?" + +"Let me see," said the curator, examining the piece. "Just call it a +doctor's prescription in the time of Pharaoh." + + +Spirit writing--the modern doctor's prescription--_Life_. + + +_See also_ Names, Personal. + + + + +PRETENSION + + + Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak + I wear to hide my real self from view, + And yet where'er I meet with other folk + I always find they wear this garment too. + + Pretension is a kind of golden veil + Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face, + And yet where'er I go I never fail + To see that others wear it too with grace. + + Pretension is a thing I say I hate + In both myself and in my dearest friend, + And yet whene'er I slyly watch and wait + I find in some regard we all pretend. + + --_Ernest Powell_. + + +Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed: Nature never +pretends.--_Lavater_. + + +When half-gods go, the gods arrive.--_Emerson_. + + + + +PRICES + + +"Have any trouble in getting your money back?" + +"Not a bit," replied the dissatisfied purchaser. "But I got the worst +of it, as usual. The price of the article had jumped so by the time I +got back to the store that they made a profit by getting it in stock +again." + + +Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for Jean to +go to the hospital, her mother said: + +"I will make a bargain with you, Jean. If you will be a brave little +girl about your operation, you shall have the nicest kitten I can +find." + +Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under the +anesthetic, she realized how very wretched she felt. The nurse leaned +over to catch her first spoken word. + +"What a bum way to get a cat!" moaned the child.--_Harper's_. + + +The most cheerful sign is that counterfeiters are again finding it +worth while to make money. + + + + +PRIDE + + +Randolph Bourne, a brilliant American writer who recently died, left +many thoughts that stand out like cut diamonds. Here is one: "Only +Pride is creation." + +Pride forms one of the towering pillars in the structure of efficient +performance. + +Not until you feel the worth of what you do, are you able freely +to dominate and achieve. Through the hard days of darkness and +discouragement, up and beyond the gruelling grades of steep ways, are +you asked to go if you desire substantial reward. It takes pride to +endure. + +It is pride in a man's heart that makes him a willing gift, in mind +and body, to be taken in hand by some great idea or noble cause. + +Pride does not stoop to littleness. Rather does it see in the signs +of unselfishness and sacrifice the elements that lead to eternal +character. + +Life is but a link in the chain of everlasting good. + +If a man dies, does lie live again? Yes, for a man lives forever in +the deeds and thoughts of his life expression. And every man who shall +pass his thought through every age that has been, shall be whitened +and renewed, to go on his way the better for every creative thought +left behind. + +It's the pride in a man's soul that leads him on! + +Pride creates first--then contributes in natural turn. + +Until we become too proud to stoop to mean ways and unworthy ends, we +shall have tasted of but a sample of what life holds in substance and +bigness.--_George Matthew Adams_. + + +To acknowledge our faults when we are blamed is modesty; to discover +them to one's friends in ingenuousness, is confidence; but to +preach them to all the world, if one does not take care, is +pride.--_Confucius_. + + + + +PRINTERS + + +Some of the finest jokes extant come through the fact that the +printer's finger slips. Here are some which, like all others, are +funny a long, long, long time afterward--never at the time. + +A Chicago paper reported that the propeller _Alaska_ was leaving port +with a cargo of 40,000 bushels of cats. + +A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took the oath +of office as President, said it was a spectacle never to be forgotten +when Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and a +few witnesses, took his simple bath. + + + + +PRISONS + + +BILL--"I see the authorities seriously object to the prisoners forging +checks while in Sing Sing." + +TILL--"Well, I suppose they think it is particularly bad form for the +prisoners to do that sort of thing while enjoying the hospitality of +the State." + + +VISTOR (at the jail)--"Poor man! What are you locked up here for?" + +PRISONER (wearily)--"I suppose they think I'd get out if I wasn't." + + + + +PROFANITY + + +When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at the +table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair. + +"Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision from the +mother. + +"I hope he is not sick." + +There was an anxious pause. "No, he is not sick," continued the +mother. "It grieves me to say, Richard, that our son, your son, has +been heard swearing on the street. I heard him myself." + +"Swearing!" exclaimed the father. "I'll teach him to swear!" + +And with that the angry parent started up-stairs in the dark. Half-way +up he stumbled and came down with his chin on the top step. + +When the confusion had subsided Harry's mother was heard saying from +the hallway: "That will do, Richard, dear. You have given him enough +for one lesson." + + +Sometime ago a pious young clerical prevailed on a rather profane +aviator to take him for a flight. After attaining several thousand +feet the motor suddenly stopped, revealing to the uttermost the +aviator's gift of profanity. + +The alarmed pastor excitedly demanded if there was any danger. The +pilot replied sarcastically that there would be prayer instead of +profanity if there was any danger. + +The motor "cut in" again and the flight continued. Suddenly the motor +stopped again and notwithstanding the pilot's efforts, accompanied +by the usual lurid language, he was forced to alight. Just as he +flattened out for his landing, the pilot was disconcerted by hearing +the parson exclaim in fervid tones: "Thank God the aviator is still +swearing." + + +Small Ann's mother had been disturbed to hear her using the word +"devil." "My dear," said she, "that is a word we do _not_ use in +polite society, and I never want to hear you say it again." + +She noticed that her admonition was carefully heeded. Then on Sunday +evening, about two weeks later, the mother inquired what the day's +lesson had been about. "Why, mother," was Ann's answer, "it was about +when our Lord was tempted by the--by--by--the--the _gentleman that +keeps hell!_" + + +Young William was evincing much interest in the evening paper, but +finally a puzzled look came over his countenance. + +"Mother," said he, finally, "what does D--d stand for?" + +"Doctor of Divinity, my son. Don't they teach you the common +abbreviations in school?" + +"Sure; but that don't seem to sound right here." + +"Read it out aloud." + +"WITNESS: I heard the defendant say, I'll make you suffer for this. +I'll be doctor of divinity if I don't!'" + + +"Say, Sam, why do you-all carry that parrot around with you on the +wagon?" + +"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se a membah of the chu'ch, but de mule ain't, +so I hauls the pa'ot to fu'nish the cussin' fo' de mule." + + +FATHER--"I'm ashamed to see you crying because a bee stung you. Act +like a man." + +BOBBIE--"Y-yes, and th-then you-you'd gim-me a li-lickin', like you +s-said y-you would i-if yon ever h-heard m-me usin' that k-kind of +l-language." + + + + +PROFESSIONS + + +An ambitious young man went to a university professor and said: +"Sir, I desire a course of training which will fit me to become the +superintendent of a great railway system. How much will such a course +cost, and how long will it take?" + +"Young man," replied the professor, "such a course would cost you +twenty thousand dollars, and require twenty years of your time. But, +on the other hand, by spending three hundred dollars of your money and +three months of your time you may be elected to Congress. Once there +you will feel yourself competent to direct not one but all the great +railroad systems of our country." + + +The reform warden always made it a point to give each new arrival a +chance to do the work with which he was familiar, if the penitentiary +dealt in his line. A tailor named Levinski arrived, and it was ordered +that he be employed at that trade, if there was an opening. There +wasn't. He was asked if he was adept at anything else. "Yes," he +replied, with a smile, "I am a crackerjack traveling salesman." + + + + +PROFITEERS + + +The wicked garage-keeper was trying to figure out his income tax. + +"If a man brings his car to me to be repaired, and it costs me sixty +cents, and I charge him sixteen dollars, what per cent profit would I +be making?" he demanded of his son and heir. + +"I'm sure I don't know, pop," answered that young hopeful. "You'll +have to get somebody who knows the rules of grand larceny to tell you +that. The rules for percentage wouldn't cover it!" + + +"Say, Cy, I jest found out what a rube is." + +"Thet so, Hiram? What is it?" + +"Why, it's one o' them forty-one hour, ninety-five dollar a week labor +guys that thinks a farmer is goin' to sell him food cheap." + + +Old Omar doubtless had us in mind when he spoke of the profit's +paradise to come. + + +Another reason why pickpockets seem to be on the increase may be +because profiteering isn't what it was a few months ago. + + + + +PROGRESS + + +I was explaining the other day, to a member of our organization, that +there was no such thing as "standing still" in this world--that we +lost ground immediately we ceased to make progress. Quick as a flash +he put my thought in a few words when he remarked, "We're either +coming or going." That's it exactly. When we do not improve, learn, +develop old ideas or find new ones--we go backwards. And you and I +know how fast we go, when there's no driving power to keep us going +forward.--_E. M. Statler_. + + +"No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things," said an old colored +lady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other day I seen dat +Rastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a dollah's worth an' git +off at the very same place he got on at, an' I sez to him, 'Rastus,' I +sez, 'yo' spent yo' money, but whar yo' been?'" + + + Beneath this starry arch, + Naught resteth or is still; + But all things hold their march + As if by one great will. + Move one, move all: + Hark to the footfall! + On, on, forever. + + --_Harriet Martineau_. + + + + +PROHIBITION + + +A bone-dry nation means a life full of sorrows without any chance of +drowning them. + + + _Classic Thoughts on Prohibition_ + + I love fools' experiments.--_Darwin_. + The rising world of waters dark and deep.--_Milton_. + Earth a failure, God-forsaken, + Ante-room of Hell!--_Kingsley_. + If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.--_Shakespeare_. + The law is a ass, a idiot.--_Dickens_. + Lean, hungry, savage anti-everythings.--_Holmes_. + The remedy is worse than the disease.--_Bacon_. + O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts. + And men have lost their reason.--_Shakespeare_. + Drink today, and drown all sorrow; + You shall perhaps not do't tomorrow.--_Fletcher_. + The Hell of waters!--_Byron_. + The frigid theories of a generalizing age.--_Disraeli_. + O, happy, happy Liver!--_Wordsworth_. + + --_E.H._ + + +"Do you think there's a chance of prohibition's being repealed, after +all?" + +"I hope not," answered Uncle Bill Bottletop; "anyhow, not soon." + +"I thought you didn't quite approve of prohibition." + +"I don't, quite. But for years folks have been talking about a lot o' +chaps that 'ud be such wonders if they didn't drink, an' I want to see +'em get a little more time to make good." + + +"It is indeed a pleasure," remarked the man who approves of +prohibition, "to be able to walk the streets without seeing a saloon +on every corner." + +"And yet," returned the unregenerate one, "it's a great comfort to +know they are there, even if you don't see them." + + +Prohibition doesn't prohibit; it just provokes. + + +"Mamma, what does it mean when you're wined and dined?" + +"That's an obsolete term, Harold. Now you are only grape-juiced and +cornbreaded." + + +"This Prohibition outlook is a trifle expensive." + +"How so?" + +"Why, I've just had to build an addition to my wine cellar." + + +"Well," said the first clubman, "we may have to drink water pretty +soon." + +"Water?" + +"Yes, that's the stuff the waiter brings you with your napkin." + + + _When It Comes_ + _We Shall Miss_ + + That appointment with an old business acquaintance. + Calendars from our favorite brewery. + Blotters from same. + Reunion dinners. + (a) College. + (b) Fraternity. + Scientific dissertations on the only non-refillable bottle. + Stories about how Broadway spent New Year's eve. + The real mint julep. + The 5:15--without being unjustly accused. + + _We Shall Not Miss_ + + Sermons against rum. + Sermons against Prohibition. + The free lunch. + The Southern gentleman who says he's the only man who can make the + real mint julep. + German beer gardens. + The man who never drinks without offering a toast. + New Year's eve on Broadway. + Comic-opera drinking songs. + A vote on the next Constitutional amendment. + + +BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the +first three miles?" + +BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke." + + +"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?" + +"No," answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. Everybody +seems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of the boys." + + +"_Going Up_" + +SMITH--"Do you realize that we are beholding the completion of a great +cycle in history?" + +JONES--"Explain." + +"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was bought +from the Indians for six quarts of whisky." + +"Well?" + +"Well?--Within six months, maybe, the descendants of those Indians +will be able to buy it back for the same price." + + +I, U.S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to be +my last will and testament: To my beloved Cocktail I bequeath +three-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful Highball I leave +a large share of the blame. To my sister, Wine, I give the family +grapevine and kitchen still. To my cousin, Cider, I bequeath the old +apple orchard and enough wormy fruit to keep the country moist and my +memory green. + + +"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. The lanky +mountaineer drew himself up haughtily. + +"Mister, you got me wrong," he asserted. "Since prohibition come in +we-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers." + + + _Discovery_ + + I met a man + Who knows a woman + Who has a sister + Who is married to a man + Who is related to a girl + Who knows a man + Who knows a man + Who has never pulled a prohibition joke. + I shall try to trace him. + + +And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a joker +permitting the building of battleships for medicinal purposes. + + +A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an operation which +removed a bone that pressed against the brain. The Detroit News also +reports a number of cures effected by the removal of a brass rail that +was pressing against the foot. + + +"Having any success with your garden?" + +"The best ever," replied Mr. Jagsby. + +"What are you raising?" + +"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new neighbors over +his chickens and then a reconciliation I might not have discovered +that he had a well-stocked cellar." + + + + +PROMOTERS + + +The man who was selling oil stock was asked if there were any +indications of oil where his company was drilling. + +"Indications!" he said. "Why, I should say so. We have three thousand +acres leased, have a standard rig up, have three hundred feet of +casing on the ground and more ordered, have our company organized +and incorporated and a million shares of stock printed, have opened +offices in three cities, have two hundred people selling stock, are +only forty miles from a pipe line, and there was no oil found in those +other wells about there, so it must be in our well. Oh, we have plenty +of indications. How many shares do you want?" + + +"Pop, what is a promoter?" + +"A promoter, my son, is a man who can make either a dollar or a penny +look like thirty cents."--_Life_. + + + + +PROMPTNESS + + +On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the department +bureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was dashing madly down +the street when he was stopped by a friend, who asked: "Why the deuce +are you in such a tearing hurry?" + +"I am going," explained the clerk, "to the funeral of my chief, and +there is nothing he hates like unpunctuality." + + +"I'm sorry to find the baroness out. Don't forget to tell her I +called, will you?" + +"No, sir, I'll tell her at once." + + + + +PRONUNCIATION + + +"Wasn't it _fearful_ about the Reims cathedral?" + +"Don't say Reems; it sounds _horribly_ ignorant." + +"Well, how do you pronounce it?" + +"Why, _Hranss_." + +_"How?"_ + +"Hn--Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. See? Hranss!" + +"Well, _you_ sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, threatened with +grip!" + +"Well, that's right, anyhow. H--hn--hnh--_hrahnhss_!" + +"You'd better go to Arizona! You'll _never_ get well here! I don't +believe you, anyway. Everybody says _Reems_." + +"They don't, either!" + +"They do so!" + +"Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you associate with--" + +"Well, I _don't_ go with a lot of fake highbrows, anxious to show off +the French they learned in a course of lessons by mail--" + +"Better than a lot of country junks who don't know how to pronounce--" + +"Oh, well, the church wasn't hurt much, anyhow." + +"No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like my hat?" + +"Heavenly! What do you think of mine?" + +"Adorable! Let's go in and have soda." + +"Let's."--_Carolyn Wells_. + + + + +PROPERTY + + +"Property is the fruit of labor; property is desirable; is a positive +good in the world. That some should be rich shows that others +may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and +enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of +another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus +by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when +built."--_Abraham Lincoln_. + + + + +PROPOSALS + + +"No," said the positive girl, "I will never tie myself down to one +man." + +"Perhaps," he replied sarcastically, "if I organize a syndicate you +will consider our offer." + + +MERCHANT (to applicant for job)--"Sorry, but I only employ married +men." + +APPLICANT-"Do you happen to have a daughter, sir?" + + +"I love you! I love you!" he murmured for the nineteenth time. "Speak! +Answer me!" + +The maiden coyly hung her head. + +"I--oh, Tom, this is so sudden!" she pleaded. + +He drew her close to him. + +"Don't be afraid, darling!" he said gently. "Would you like me to ask +your mother first?" + +With a sudden cry of alarm she threw her arms around his neck. + +"No, no!" she gasped. "Mother is a widow. I want you myself!" + + +"Yes, she rejected me, but she did it in a most encouraging way." + +"How was that?" + +"As I went away, she pointed to the footprints that I had made on the +carpet, and said: 'The next time you come to propose to me, I want you +to wipe your shoes clean!'" + + +Long had he worshipped her at a distance, but his shyness prevented +him from proposing. Then, one evening, for the sake of sweet charity, +a theatrical performance took place, in which the charmer was leading +lady and more adorable than ever. Afterward the shy admirer drew near, +his love made valiant by the sight of her beauty. "You are the star of +the evening," he said as they stood alone in a corner. + +"You are the first to tell me so," said the damsel with a happy blush. + +"Then," he retorted promptly, "may I not claim my reward as an +astronomer?" + +The lady looked puzzled. "What reward?" she asked. + +"Why, the right to give my name to the star I have discovered!" + + +"So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's father of her +young man. + +"Very much indeed," replied the youth. + +"Can you support a family?" + +The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many are there +of you, sir?" + + +FRANK--"When you proposed to her I suppose she said: 'This is so +sudden?'" + +ERNEST--"No, she was honest and said: 'This suspense has been +terrible.'" + + +One evening some time since John Henry called on the darling of his +heart, and while talking to the fair one he casually referred to some +of the hardships of the present day. + +"I see, Gladys," he remarked, "that the price of coal has gone up +again, and that it is hard to get at any price." + +"Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great concern. + +"Yes," answered John Henry, "and they say they are also advancing +house rents, while sugar--" + +"Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one, with a +withering expression. "If you want to break off our engagement, say +so, but don't try to beat around the bush in such a cowardly way." + + +"Will you have me for your wife?" said the leap-year maiden, sweetly. + +"Since you have suggested it, I will," he replied. "But just remember, +Mame, if I don't turn out to be all you expect you have only yourself +to blame." + + +The pretty girl of the party was bantering the genial bachelor on his +reasons for remaining single. + +"No-o-o, I never was exactly disappointed in love," he meditated. "I +was more what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very +young I became very much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance; +I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at last I screwed +up my courage to the proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married.' + +"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have us!'"--_Everybody's_. + + +HE (cautiously)--"Would you say 'Yes' if I asked you to marry me?" + +SHE (still more cautiously)--"Would you ask me to marry you if I said +I would say 'Yes' if you asked me to marry you?" + + +"Congratulate me, Freddy. Last night your sister promised to marry +me." + +"Oh, she promised mother she'd marry you long ago."--_Life_. + + +HE-"I called to see your father this afternoon." + +SHE (fluttering visibly)-"Oh, did you?" + +HE--"Yes; he has been owing our firm a little bill for some time." + + +"So you want to marry my daughter," said Mr. Cumrox. + +"Yes," replied the young man. "I hope to hear you say take her and be +happy!" + +"No, sir. I'm not going to shoulder any implied responsibilities. All +I am going to say is 'take her.'" + + +HARRY--"Marry me and your smallest wishes will always be fulfilled." + +CARRIE--"I am able to do that myself. What I want is a man who will +gratify my biggest wishes." + + +"I was speaking with your father last night," he said at last, +somewhat inanely. + +"Oh, were you?" answered the sweet young thing, lowering her eyes. +"Er--what were you--er--talking about?" + +"About the war in Europe. Your father said that he hoped the fighting +would soon be over." + +The sweet young thing smiled. + +"Yes," she remarked. "I know he's very much opposed to long +engagements." + + + + +PROSPERITY + + +For some people half the battle consists in looking prosperous; the +other half, in getting credit on the strength of such prosperity. + + + + +PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT + + + +We all "ketch" 'em at the psychological moment: + +The doctor, when they think they are going to die. + +The lawyer, when they think they are going to be sent to jail. + +The dentist, when they think a tooth is going to blow off their heads. + +The tax collector, when they think they are going to be sold out. + +The garage man, when they think they are going to have a blow-out. + +The captain, when they think the major is on their trail. + +The undertaker, when they don't think any more! + + + + +PSYCHOLOGY + + +"Father," said the small boy, "what is psychology?" + +"Psychology, my son, is a word of four syllables that you ring in to +distract attention when the explaining gets difficult." + + +A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can by +his side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened to +be passing. + +"Going fishing?" he inquired, good-naturedly. + +"Nope," the youngster replied. "Take a peek in there." + +An investigation showed the can to be partly filled with caterpillars +of the tussock moth. + +"What in the world are you doing with them?" + +"They crawl up trees and eat off the leaves." + +"So I understand." + +"Well, I'm fooling a few of them." + +"How?" + +"Sending 'em up this telephone-pole."--_Judge_. + + + + +PUBLIC, THE + + +What the country needs is not a phonographic record to preserve a +candidate's voice, but something to preserve what's left of the voice +of the people. + + + _The Ultimate Victim_ + + When capital wants extra gains. + On profits tightens all the reins, + Who has to suffer all the pains? + The public. + + When labor gets dissatisfied, + And would conditions override, + Who gets submerged beneath the tide? + The public. + + When strikes put up the price of food, + And each side holds firm attitude, + Who always has to make loss good? + The public. + + When street-cars cease to run, and balk + At all conciliation talk, + Who has to pay the freight and walk? + The public. + + When managers and actors fight + And theaters are closed at night, + Who sees amusement out of sight? + The public. + + Who in disputes which rise each day, + Is not permitted any say, + But always loses either way? + The public. + + +The public! the public! How many fools does it take to make up a +public?--_Chamfort_. + + + + +PUBLIC SCHOOLS + + +At a teachers' institute in an Eastern city a speaker said that, in +his opinion, "the trouble with the public-school system of today is: +The teachers are afraid of the principals, the principals are afraid +of the superintendent, he is afraid of the school committee, they are +afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the +children are afraid of nobody!" + + + + +PUBLIC SPEAKERS + + +A captain in the merchant marine who received much commendation +for his wonderful courage and endurance during the war was asked to +address a meeting in the West. Ex-President Taft spoke first and +at considerable length, and when he had finished the audience rose, +almost to a man, to leave the building. The chairman sprang to his +feet, rushed to the edge of the platform, and called excitedly: "Come +back and take your seats. Come back, every one of you! This man went +through hell for us during the war, and it is up to us now to do the +same for him." + + +"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of the evening, "in a few +minutes I shall introduce the gentleman who is to address you. It is +not my function to deliver a speech at this time, but I shall just +use up five or ten minutes so that you may know how good a speech you +would have had to listen to were I the speaker and he the chairman." + + +"Have you ever taken a tail-spin in an airplane?" + +"No, but I've been called upon unexpectedly to make a speech, and I +guess the sensation is about the same." + + +"It must break the theme of your lecture to be interrupted by your +audience." + +"The secret of success for a lecturer, my boy," replied the foreign +visitor, "is not to have a theme." + + +"That speaker certainly made a hit." + +"What did he talk about?" + +"About ten minutes." + + +EMPLOYER (coming upon colored porter looking through the +dictionary)--"What are you doing, Sam; looking up some more big words +for another speech?" + +"No, sah. 'Tain't that. Ah's jes' translatin' the speech ah made las' +night." + + +CHAIRMAN (of public banquet)--"Gentlemen, before I introduce the next +speaker, there will be a short recess, giving you all a chance to go +out and stretch your legs." + +GUEST--"Who is the next speaker?" + +CHAIRMAN--"Before telling you who he is, I would rather wait until you +come back."--_Life_. + + +William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at Yale, declares +he gets credit for only 25 per cent of the after-dinner speeches he +actually makes. "Every time I accept an invitation to speak, I really +make four addresses. First, is the speech I prepare in advance. That +is pretty good. Second, is the speech I really make. Third, is the +speech I make on the way home, which is the best of all; and fourth, +is the speech the newspapers next morning say I made, which bears no +relation to any of the others." + + +"What would be a good way to raise revenue and still benefit the +people?" + +"Tax every speech made in this country." + + +"Many's de speech I has listened to," said Uncle Eben, "dat left me +wonderin' whether I was gettin' infohmation or entertainment." + + +A noted Frenchman, on visiting England was asked to speak at a +banquet. Being interested in his subject he spoke at great length. +Suddenly realizing another speaker was to follow him he closed his +remarks with an apology, saying "I am very sorry but there is another +speaker and I am afraid I have cockroached on his time." + +A burst of laughter greeted this remark and in much confusion he +turned to the Englishman next to him and asked what break he had made. + +The Englishman, in a reassuring manner, said "It wasn't exactly +a break only here in England we don't say cockroach, we say +'h--encroach.'" + + +A political meeting was on in a certain Iowa town and Thomas R. +Marshall, Vice-President of the United States, was to speak. The +hall was packed and the air was stifling. For some reason, it was +impossible to open the windows, and one had to be broken. + +It was feared that the noise would startle the audience and perhaps +throw them into a panic. The mayor of the town stepped forward to give +warning. The audience, however, had not assembled to listen to the +mayor, and overwhelmed him with cries of "Marshall! Marshall!" + +Silence was not restored till the infuriated official yelled at the +top of his voice: + +"I'm not going to make a speech! I have something to say!" + + +"Do you know what it is to go before an audience?" + +"No. I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went before I +did." + + +A lank, disconsolate-looking farmer, stood on the steps of the town +hall during the progress of a political meeting. + +"Do you know who's talking in there now?" demanded a stranger, +briskly, pausing for a moment beside the farmer. "Or are you just +going in?" + +"No, sir; I've just come out," said the farmer, decidedly. +"Congressman Smiffkins is talking in there." + +"What about?" asked the stranger. + +"Well," continued the countryman, passing a knotted hand across his +forehead, "he didn't say." + + +"You haven't had much to say lately," commented the old friend. + +"True," replied Senator Sorghum. "But you must give me credit for one +thing--I realized the fact and kept still." + + +Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's +shop in a small town to have his hair cut. + +"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked. + +"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here tonight?" + +"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the +barber: "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the +hall is sold out." + +"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck +to have to stand when that Hay chap lectures." + + +_See also_ Politicians. + + + + +PUBLISHERS + + +He was a typical gamin, so diminutive in stature that I had to stoop +to interrogate him, which I did in this way: + +"Where do you get your papers, my little man?" + +"Oh, I buy 'em in the Times alley." + +"What do you pay for them?" + +"Fi' cents." + +"What do you sell them for?" + +"Fi' cents." + +"You don't make anything at that?" + +"Nope." + +"Then what do you sell them for?" + +"Oh, just to get a chance to holler." + + + + +PUNCTUALITY + + + _Epitaph for Any New Yorker_ + + I, who all my life had hurried, + Came to Peter's crowded gate; + And, as usual, was worried, + Fearing that I might be late + + So, when I began to jostle + (I forgot that I was dead) + Patient smiled the old Apostle: + "Take your Eternity," he said. + + --_Christopher Morley_. + + +_See also_ Alarm clocks. + + + + +PUNCTUATION + + +"Can't you stretch a point?" + +"Certainly," said the period. And thus was born the comma. + + +A high-school girl said to her father the other night: + +"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. You know +something about punctuation, don't you?" + +"A little," said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of paper she +handed him. + +This is what he read: + +"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner" + +He studied it carefully. + +"Well," he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, like +this." + +"I wouldn't," said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash after it!" + + + + +PUNISHMENT + + +In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was attempting to +teach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a complete sentence?" he +said. + +"Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim reply. + + +Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore police +magistrate was a darky with no visible means of support. + +"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?" asked his Honor. + +"Well, jedge," said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at present--jest +circulatin' round, suh." + +His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said: + +"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired from +circulation for sixty days." + + +"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' peace terms +are read to her. The peace terms are very severe--just, but very +severe." + +The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. He went on: + +"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was convicted of +stealing a hog. + +"'Rastus,' the judge said to him, 'you are fined $5.' + +"'Jedge,' said Rastus, 'Ah'm obliged to ye. Ah got dat five spot right +here in mah left-hand vest-pocket.' + +"'Well,' continued the judge, 'just dig down in your right-hand +vest-pocket, Rastus, and see if you can find thirty days.'" + + +Mamie had been naughty and her mother finally had recourse to the +time-honored remedy in such cases. + +"Mamma," she sobbed, "did Gran'ma spank you when you was little?" + +"Yes, dear," said her mother, "she did when I was naughty." + +"And did her mother spank her?" + +"Yes." + +"An" was she spanked, too, when she was bad?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, who started this blamed thing anyhow?" + + +"Judge," said the man at the bar, "there's no use of you trying to +square this thing up. My wife and I fight just so often and just so +long, and we can't help it. So there you are." + +"And about how long do you keep it up?" asked the judge. + +"About two weeks, judge." + +"All right. I'll give you fifteen days in jail; in other words, you +are interned for the duration of the war." + + +VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new +carpet)--"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk." + +TOMMY (indignantly)--"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that's +spilled all you have to do is to call the cat an' she'll lick it up +cleaner'n anything. But this ain't milk, an' mother'll do the lickin', +is what ails me." + + +"Quite a good epigram, that," said the tramp, who had been convicted +for vagrancy. + +"What did he say?" asked the tramp's pal. + +"Seven days." + +"How d'you make that out an epigram?" + +"Why," said the tramp, "I once asked a parson what an epigram was, and +he said 'It's a short sentence that sounds light, but gives you plenty +to think about.'" + + +PARSON WHITE--"Brudder Lamkins, how did yer son come outen de trial?" + +BRO. LAMKINS--"De Jedge done give 'im two mumfs in de jayul." + +PARSON WHITE--"'Pears ter me like as if you outer be pow'ful thankful. +He got off mighty light, he did." + +BRO. LAMKINS--"'Twan't 's light's you seem to think. Dey's agwinter +hang 'im when de two mumfs is up." + + +"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and +shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at +hard labor." + +"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court +room, "will yo' Honah jes' kinder split dat sentence? Don't send him +away from home, but let dat hard labor stand." + + +A German spy caught redhanded was on his way to be shot. + +"I think you English are brutes," he growled, "to march me through +this rain and slush." + +"Well," said the "Tommy" who was escorting him, "what about me? I have +to go back in it." + + + +_See also_ Marriage. + + + + +PUNS + + +"Have you a little fairy in your home?" + +"No, but I have a little miss in my engine." + + +SMALL SCOUT--"Dad, what are the silent watches of the night?" + +INDULGENT FATHER--"They are the ones which their owners forgot to +wind, my son." + + +"Here, boy," said the man to the boy who was helping him drive a bunch +of cattle, "hold this bull a minute, will you?" + +"No," answered the boy, "I don't mind bein' a director in this +company, but I'm darned if I want to be a stockholder." + + +MA--"You've been drinking. I smell it in your breath." PA--"Not a +drop. I've been eating frog's legs. What you smell is the hops." + + +PROF.--"What happened to Babylon?" + +FRESH.--"It fell." + +PROF.--"What happened to Tyre?" + +FRESH.--"It was punctured." + + +That was a good, though rather a severe pun, which was made by a +student in one of our theological seminaries (and he was not one +of the brightest of the class, either), when he asked, "Why is +Professor---- the greatest revivalist of the age?" and on all "giving +it up," said, "Because at the close of every sermon there is a 'Great +Awakening.'" + + + + +PURGATORY + + +MARMADUKE ISOLATE (of Lonelyville).--"Pa, what is Purgatory?" + +MR. ISOLATE (wearily).--"Purgatory? Why, Purgatory is a sort of suburb +of Heaven." + + + + +QUAKERS + + +After a long essay on the Quakers, taken largely from the +encyclopedia, a Western schoolboy finished off with this original +thought. "Quakers never quarrel, never get into fights, and never +scratch." Then, seeking for a demonstration of the fact and a final +touch, he added: "Pa is a Quaker, but I kinda think that Ma isn't." + + + + +QUESTIONS + + +"You understand your duties thoroughly, don't you?" she said to the +new footman. + +"Yes, ma'am, certainly, ma'am." + +"And you know your way to announce?" + +"Well, ma'am, I shouldn't perhaps like to go quite so far as that, but +I think I know my weight to a pound or so." + + +"Father, is the zebra a black animal with white stripes or a white +animal with black stripes?" + + +"Has Jobkins any money?" asked Hickenlooper. + +"Oh, he must have," said Garroway. + +"Oh, we all must have--but have we?" said Hickenlooper. + + +There is an elevator boy in a New York office building, who is among a +large number of public servants that resent needless questions. + +One day there entered his car a rather fussy old lady, and garrulous +as well. + +"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down in this elevator all day?" +she asked. + +"Yes, ma'am," said the boy. + +"Is it the motion going down?" + +"No, ma'am." + +"The motion going up?" + +"No, ma'am." + +"Is it the stopping that does it?" + +"No, ma'am." + +"Then what is it?" + +"Answering questions, ma'am." + + +"My father and I know everything in the world," said a small boy to +his companion. + +"All right," said the latter. "Where's Asia?" + +It was a stiff question, but the little fellow answered coolly: "That +is one of the questions my father knows." + + +Owen Wister, the novelist, apropos of useless questions, once told of +a man who stood before a mirror in his room, his face lathered and an +open razor in his hand. His wife came in. She looked at him and said, +"Are you shaving?" The man, a foe to surplusage, replied fiercely, +"No; I am blacking the kitchen range. Where are you--out driving or at +a four-o'clock tea?" + + +_See also_ Curiosity. + + + + +RADICALS + + +A radical is a man without a sense of humor; a conservative is one +without a sense of the ridiculous. + + + + +RAILROADS + + +"Where's the president of this railroad?" asked the man who called at +the general offices. + +"He's down in Washington, attendin' th' session o' some kind uv an +investigatin' committee," replied the office boy. + +"Where is the general manager?" + +"He's appearin' before th' Interstate Commerce Commission." + +"Well, where's the general superintendent?" + +"He's at th' meetin" of th' legislature, fightin' some bum new law." + +"Where is the head of the legal department?" + +"He's in court, tryin' a suit." + +"Then where is the general passenger agent?" + +"He's explainin' t' th' commercial travelers why we can't reduce th' +fare." + +"Where is the general freight agent?" + +"He's gone out in th' country t' attend a meeting o' th' grange an' +tell th' farmers why we ain't got no freight-cars." + +"Who's running the blame railroad, anyway?" + +"The newspapers and th' legislatures." + + +An old Cornish woman who had never before traveled by rail went to a +country station to catch a train. She sat herself down on a seat +in the station, and after sitting there for about two hours, the +station-master came up to her and asked where she was going. On her +telling him, he said: + +"Why, my good woman, the train has just gone, and there isn't another +for a long time!" + +"Why, lor'!" says the old lady, "I thought the whole consarn moved!" + + +"What good," asked the angry would-be passenger, "are the figures set +down in these railway time-tables?" + +"Why," patiently explained the genial agent, "if it weren't for them +figures we'd have no way of findin' out how late the train is." + + +The American in the first-class carriage of an English train insisted +on smoking. An angry Englishman protested, and when about to appeal +to the guard the American got ahead of him with the remark: "Guard, +I think you will find that that gentleman is traveling with a +third-class ticket on him." + +It proved to be true, and the sputtering Britisher was put out. + +A spectator of the incident asked the American how he knew about the +ticket. + +"Well," explained the composed stranger, "it was sticking out of his +pocket and I noticed that it was the same color as mine." + + +A new railroad through Louisiana strikes some of the towns about a +mile from the business center, so it is necessary to run a bus line. +A salesman stopping in one of the towns asked the old darky bus driver +about it: + +"Say, uncle, why have they got the depot way down here?" + +After a moment's hesitation the old darky replied: "Ah dunno, boss, +unless dey wanted to git it on de railroad." + + +Picking her way daintily through the locomotive plant, a young woman +visitor viewed the huge operations with awe. Finally, she turned to a +young man who was showing her through, and asked: + +"What is that big thing over there?" + +"That's a locomotive-boiler," he replied. She puckered her brows. + +"And what do they boil locomotives for?" + +"To make the locomotive tender," and the young man from the office +never smiled. + + +"What kind of a plant is the Virginia creeper?" + +"It isn't a plant; it's a railroad." + + +The president of a certain railway in Kentucky which is only ten miles +long, was exchanging annual passes one year with officials of other +railways. + +He enclosed an annual pass on his railway to Stuyvesant Fish, then +president of the Illinois Central Railway, for himself and family, +with the request that Fish reciprocate. + +It seems that Fish had never heard of the Kentucky road, so he +instructed his secretary to look it up. As a result the pass was +returned with the following curt letter: + +DEAR SIR: + +I find that your railroad is only ten miles long, while my road is +eleven hundred miles long. I herewith return your pass made out in + favor of myself and family. Yours truly, + STUYVESANT FISH. + +This was too much for the old Kentucky colonel, who made the following +notation on Fish's letter and sent it back: + +"You go to hell--_my railroad is as_ WIDE _as yours_". + +He received the Illinois Central pass by return mail. + + +"Conductor!" shouted a passenger on the back-country train. + +"That was my station, sir! Why didn't you stop?" + +"We don't stop there any longer," said the conductor. "You see, the +engineer is mad with the station agent!" + + +"Now will this train reach its destination on time?" + +"We hope so, but we don't guarantee it." + +"You mean you sell me a ticket to get to a certain place by a certain +time and then you give me no assurance I'll be there at that time?" + +"That's about it." + +"Well, I'll take the ticket. But I'll get even! I won't guarantee I'll +be here when your darned old unguaranteed train is ready to start, so +I won't!" + + +"We are twenty minutes late," remarked the passenger. "Will we make it +up before we reach New York?" + +"No, sah; no, sah," answered the porter. "No, sah. The engineer and +fireman get time and a half for overtime." + + + + +READING + + +_See_ Books and reading + + + + +REAL ESTATE + + +"It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain +Kidd's treasure." + +"Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his money into +real estate and couldn't get it out." + + + + +REAL ESTATE AGENTS + + +STEVE--"That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development Company has +got the fastest car in this neck of the country. He makes ninety miles +an hour." + +HANK--"Some car! What's he want of such a speed demon?" + +STEVE--"He's gotta have it when he's advertising his development as +being five minutes from the station." + + +A house-hunter, getting off a train at a suburban station, said to a +boy standing near: + +"My boy, I am looking for Mr. Smith's new block of semi-detached +houses. How far are they from here?" + +"About twenty minutes' walk," said the boy. + +"Twenty minutes!" exclaimed the house-hunter. "Nonsense! The +advertisement said five." + +"Well," replied the boy, "yer kin believe me or the advertisement, +whichever yer want. But I ain't tryin' to make no sale." + + +"Look here, you swindler!" roared the owner of the suburban property +to the real-estate man. "When you sold me this house, didn't you say +that in three months I wouldn't part with it for $10,000?" + +"Certainly," said the real-estate dealer calmly, "and you haven't, +have you?" + + + + +REALISM + + +Things that are what they appear to be are so rare that one cannot +tell them when one sees them. + + + + +RECOMMENDATIONS + + +"Eh-yah! Young Doc. Purt is a pretty good doctor," admitted the +landlord of the Petunia tavern, in reply to the inquiry of a guest who +felt the need of a physician's advice. "In spite of all the money he's +spent for electrical apparatus and the fact that he wears one of +these 'ere three-cornered vanduct beards, there have been no unusually +distressing deaths in our midst during the six months he has been with +us." + + +The applicant for the job of office-boy presented his credentials in +a manner that bespoke his entire confidence that the position would be +his. The sour-looking old gentleman at the head of the establishment +read the paper carefully and then surveyed the boy searchingly. + +"It is certainly a very nice thing for you to have these +recommendations from the minister of your church and your +Sunday-school teacher," said he, "and I must admit that you look +honest. All the same, I'd like to have a few words from someone that +knows you on week-days."--_Harper's_. + + +"You say you have good references?" + +"Yes, ma'am. I have over a 'undred splendid references." + +"And how long have you been in domestic service?" + +"Two years, ma'am." + + +A prominent New England educator tells of a Chinese cook in Manila +who was innocently carrying about a reference, written by a saturnine +Englishman, with which he expected to secure a good position. The +reference read as follows: + +"This man cooked for me six months; it seemed much longer. He left on +account of illness--my illness." + + +"Have you any references?" inquired the lady of the house. + +"Yis, mum, lots of thim," answered the prospective maid. + +"Then why did you not bring some of them with you?" + +"Well, mum, to tell the troot, they're just loike my photygraphs. None +of thim don't do me justice." + + +Here is a letter of recommendation given by a butcher to a former +employee: + +"Whomsoefer is de boss-- + +"Dear Sir--Dis is to testify dot Hans Snyder vorked for me von week. +Ven he left I was perfectly satisfied." + + + + +RECRUITING + + +POLICEMAN (rounding up draft suspects)--"Have you got a card?" + +THE SUSPECTED ONE (with suitcase)--"A whole case of 'em! Which do you +want to see--draft, registration, meat, sugar, calling, milk, playing, +or postal-card?"--_Judge_. + + +"Before I left the United States," said Col. George Harvey recently in +London, "I agreed with a Columbia professor who said preponderant power +in men and money was bound to win the war; but now I have a stronger +argument--one which fell from the lips of a recruiting-sergeant in the +Strand yesterday. + +"'Don't you want to be on the winning side?' said the soldier to a +group of civilians who he was suggesting should don khaki. + +"'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' asked a prospective +recruit. + +"'Well, my lad,' said the sergeant, 'you know the Germans have been +trying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don't +you?" + +"'Yes,' replied the questioner. + +"'Well, then, we've been trying to lose during the same period and we +couldn't.'" + + +United States Senator Howard Sutherland, of West Virginia, tells a +story about a mountain youth who visited a recruiting-office in the +Senator's State for the purpose of enlisting in the regular Army. The +examining physician found the young man as sound as a dollar, but that +he had flat feet. + +"I'm sorry," said the physician, "but I'll have to turn you down. +You've got flat feet." + +The mountaineer looked sorrowful. "No way for me to git in it, then?" +he inquired. + +"I guess not. With those flat feet of yours you wouldn't be able to +march even five miles." + +The youth from the mountains studied a moment. Finally he said: "I'll +tell you why I hate this so darned bad. You see, I walked nigh on +to one hundred and fifteen miles over the mountains to git here, and +gosh, how I hate to walk back!" + + +RECRUITING OFFICER--"What's the good of coming here and saying you're +only seventeen years old! Go and walk around that yard and come back +and see if you're not nineteen."--_Punch_. + + +_See also_ Conscription. + + + + +RED TAPE + + +America consumes more red dye than any other color. This, as you are +aware, is the color chosen for government tape in Washington. + + + + +REGRETS + + +_Who Am I?_ + +I am frequently most potent in the morning, but I am willing to abide +with you at any time. + +I am what you feel if you get married or if you do not get married. + +I am what the after-dinner speaker says he feels because he came +unprepared, and what the listeners show they feel without saying it. + +I come to you when youth leaves you. + +I am yours when that sarcastic person drops a remark which you cannot +fittingly answer, and I am doubled when you are later alone and think +of just the brilliant retort you should have given. + +I am what overwhelms you when you suffer an overwhelming financial +loss. + +I am the vainest of the vain. + +I am regret! + + +MRS. EXE--"Here's an invitation from Mrs. Boreleigh to one of her +tiresome dinners. I hate them." + +EXE--"Why not plead that you have a previous engagement?" + +MRS. EXE--"That would be a lie. Edith dear, write Mrs. Boreleigh that +we accept with pleasure." + + + + +RELATIVES + + +"Have you any relatives living in the country?" + +"No; whenever we take a vacation we have to pay our own board." + + +"Old Millyuns says that since he made his pile of money he feels like +a neutral nation." + +"Why is that?" + +"Because he has so many diplomatic relations."--_Judge_. + + + + +RELIGIONS + + +Rowland Hill, when some persons entered his chapel to avoid the rain +that was falling, quietly observed, "Many persons are to be blamed +for making their religion a cloak, but I do not think those are much +better who make it an umbrella." + + +A man in the threadbare coat and a week's beard came out of a downtown +mission where he had signed the pledge and joined the church, only to +be nabbed for theft a half hour later. + +"Why did you make off with the pocketbook you saw this lady drop in +the street?" demanded the Judge in court. + +"It's all the minister's fault," declared the thief in deprecation. "I +went to him discouraged and out of money, and he told me I must learn +to take things as I found them." + + +Dr. Lyman P. Powell gives some examples of the lengths to which petty +bitterness between sects will sometimes carry men. "A visitor in a +certain town which had four churches and adequately supported none, +asked a pillar of one poor dying church, 'How's your church getting +on?' 'Not very well,' was the reply, 'but, thank the Lord, the others +are not doing any better.'" + + + + +REMEDIES + + +A Chinaman was asked if there were good doctors in China. + +"Good doctors!" he exclaimed, "China have best doctors in world. Hang +Chang one good doctor; he great; save life, to me." + +"You don't say so! How was that?" + +"Me velly bad," he said. "Me callee Doctor Han Kon. Give some +medicine. Get velly, velly ill. Me callee Doctor San Sing. Give more +medicine. Me glow worse--go die. Blimebly callee Doctor Hang Chang. He +got no time; no come. Save life." + + +The other day a negro went into a drug store and said: + +"Ah wants one ob dem dere plasters you stick on yoah back." + +"I understand," said the clerk, "You mean one of our porous plasters?" + +"No, sab, I don't want none ob your porous plasters, I wants de bes' +one you got." + + +A Swedish farmer, who lived on his wheat farm in Minnesota, was taken +ill and his wife telephoned the doctor. + +"If you have a thermometer," answered the physician, "take his +temperature. I will be out and see him presently." + +An hour or so later when the doctor drove up, the woman met him at the +door. + +"How is he?" asked the doctor. + +"Veil," said she, "I bane put the barometer on him like you tell me, +and it say 'Very dry,' so I give him a pitcher of water to drink, and +now he ban gone back to vork." + + +BESSIE--"The doctor says mamma must take a constitutional every +morning. What's that mean?" + +BOBBY--"That means walking." + +BESSIE--"Then why didn't he say walk?" + +BOBBY--"I don't know, but I guess maybe if he called it that he +couldn't charge for it." + + + + +REMINDERS + + +HE (to wife who is off for the beach)--"Now, don't forget me, dear." + +SHE--"As if I could, Jack. The surf at night sounds just like you +snoring." + + +The late Horace Hutton used to say that having to take a little +trouble would impress a fact on any one's memory so that he would +never be able to forget it. In illustration he would tell this story: + +"Our waitress, Maggie, could never remember to put salt on the table, +and time after time Mrs. Hutton would remind her to do it. One +morning it was absent, as usual, and I said, 'Maggie, where is the +stepladder?' + +"'It's in the pantry, sir!' + +"'Please bring it in, Maggie,' I said kindly. + +"Maggie brought it in with a look of wonder on her face. + +"'Put it right beside the table,' I commanded, and when she had done +so I added: 'Now, I want you to climb up to the top of it, look all +over the table and see if there is any salt there.' + +"Maggie never forgot the salt again." + + +"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?" + +"My wife put it there to remind me to post a letter." + +"And did you post it?" + +"No; she forgot to give it to me." + + +CONDUCTOR--"Do you mind if I put your bag out of the way, sir? People +coming in are falling over it." + +TRAVELER--"You leave it where it is. If nobody falls over it I shall +forget it's there." + + + + +REPARTEE + + +"Pa, what is repartee?" + +"Oh, merely an insult with its dress-suit on, my son."--_Puck_. + + +FIRST STUDENT--"The idea; my napkin is damp!" + +SECOND STUDENT--"Perhaps that's because there is so much due on your +board." + + +The big man with the I-know-it-all expression sneeringly watched the +little man who was eating from a sack of peanuts. + +"Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs," remarked the +big man. + +"That so?" asked the little man. "Here, have some." + + +EINSTEIN--"I hear you already, and I dinks you vas talking to +yourself." + +ROSENBERG--"You vas a liar and a scoundrel! Do you hear dot?" + + +"What would you say," began the voluble prophet, "if I were to tell +you that in a very short space of time all the rivers will dry up?" + +"I would say," replied the patient man, "go thou and do likewise." + + +"I'm tired of always being the goat!" + +"Then, why don't you stop butting in?" + + +"Oh, say, who was here to see you last night?" + +"Only Myrtle, father." + +"Well, tell Myrtle that she left her pipe on the piano." + + +"Willie, your master's report of your work is very bad. Do you know +that when Woodrow Wilson was your age he was head of the school?" + +"Yes, pa; and when he was your age he was President of the United +States." + + +"You are an angel." + +"I guess that's right. An angel has but one gown and for her the +styles never change." + + +A stern old preacher had issued to his people a command against +dancing, believing it to be a device of the devil. + +A few of the young people disobeyed and attended a dance given at a +neighboring town. Finally it reached the ears of the preacher, and, +meeting one of the culprits on the street one morning, he said in a +stern voice: + +"Good morning, child of the devil!" + +"Good morning, father!" smilingly answered the pretty miss. + + +CUSTOMER--"The price of these shoes seems high. Wasn't there something +said about a movement to have it reduced?" + +CLERK--"Yes--but it's not on foot yet." + + +UNCLE SILAS (visiting city relatives who use electrical appliances for +cooking at the table)--"Well, I swan! You make fun of us for eatin' in +the kitchen. I don't see as it makes much difference whether you eat +in the kitchen or cook in the dining-room."--_Life_. + + +There had been a quarrel. "You're no lidy," remarked the party of the +first part "Ah!" replied the other. "If it wasn't that I _was_ a lidy, +p'raps I'd be able to tell _you_ wot kind of a lidy _you_ ain't." + + +FIRST TRAVELER (cheerily)--"Fine day, isn't it?" + +SECOND DITTO (haughtily)--"Sir! You have the advantage of me. I don't +know you." + +FIRST DITTO--"Humph! I fail to see the advantage." + + +"We need brains in this business, sir." + +"I know you do. The business shows it." + + +"Well! well!" exclaimed Mrs. Talker, looking up from the morning +paper. "Boots and shoes should be getting much cheaper now. Here's +a paragraph that states that they are being made from all sorts of +skins, even rat skins"; and then, trying to be funny, she added, "I +wonder what they do with banana and orange skins?" + +"Oh, my dear," replied her husband, "they make slippers!" + + +The usual large crowd was gathered at the New York end of the Brooklyn +Bridge waiting for trolley-cars. An elderly lady, red in the face, +flustered and fussy, dug her elbows into convenient ribs irrespective +of owners. + +A fat man on her left was the recipient of a particularly vicious jab. +She yelled at him, "Say!" + +He winced slightly and moved to one side. + +She, too, sidestepped and thumped him vigorously on the back. + +"Say!" she persisted, "does it make any difference which of these cars +I take to Greenwood Cemetery?" + +"Not to me, madam," he answered, slipping through an opening in the +crowd. + + +AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER (to American)--"You Yanks think you've done a lot, +but you forget we Australians have been at the game for four years." + +"Well, what have you done, anyway?" + +"Done? We've been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, the plains of Bethlehem, +and--" + +"The plains of Bethlehem?" + +"Yes; I slept a week there myself." + +"Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching their +flocks!" + + +Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, for +example, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. The +minister announced, just after the choir had sung its anthem, as his +text, "Now when the uproar had ceased." But the singers bided their +time patiently, and when the sermon was over, rose and rendered in +most melodious fashion another anthem beginning, "Now it is high time +to awake after sleep." + + + + +REPORTING + + +A noted artist was recently visited by an interviewer, who fired at +him from a question-sheet questions such as these: + +"Were your parents artistic? Which of your paintings do you consider +your best work? When, where, and why did you paint it? How much did +it bring you in? Who is your favorite dead master? Favorite living +master? What is your income from art? How much--" + +But at this point the artist seized the interviewer by the arm and +began in his turn: + +"Just a moment, please. What is your name, age, and salary? Is +journalism with you a life-work or merely a means to a higher literary +end? How do you like your editor? State his faults and salary. What +was the best interview you ever wrote? Give a brief summary of same. +Have you ever been fired? How does it feel? Where--" + +But here the interviewer, jerking his arm from the painter's grasp, +fled from the studio, and the artist cheerfully resumed his work. + + +A "cub" reporter on a New York newspaper was sent to Paterson to write +the story of the murder by thieves, of a rich manufacturer. He spread +himself on the details and naively concluded his account with this +sentence: + +"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money +in the bank the day before, so he lost practically nothing but his +life."--_Harper's_. + + +_See also_ Journalism; Newspapers. + + + + +REPUTATION + + +"So you come from New York," said an English lady to a traveling +American. "I supposed, of course, you came from Boston." + +"Why did you think that?" inquired the New York lady. + +"Because I supposed all cultivated, intelligent Americans came from +Boston." + +"But what in the world made you think that?" was the natural question. + +"Oh, I don't know, exactly. I think it was a Boston lady who told me." + + +Having heard a popular make of motor-car highly spoken of, he entered +the depot with the idea of purchasing one. The selection was soon +made, and the customer expressed himself ready to buy if he could have +a trial trip. That, the salesman explained, was impossible; the cars +were sold on their reputation only. The customer declined to buy +without a trial, and was leaving the store when the chairman of the +company entered, and the situation was explained to him. + +The chairman agreed that the salesman's attitude was correct. "But," +said he, "as I don't like turning money away, I'll take you for a run +in the car myself." The selected car was brought out, the chairman +took the driving wheel, the customer sat alongside him, and the run +began. + +For some time she ran beautifully. Then, halfway up a hill, there was +a sudden stoppage, and, do what he would, the driver could not induce +the car to move. + +Said the customer: "A jolly good thing I insisted on a trial." + +Very red in the face, the chairman left the car, went to the front +and lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter. "Holy smoke!" he +exclaimed. "She's got no engine in her. She's run two miles on nothing +but her reputation." + + + + +REST CURE + + I wish I was a little rock + On top of yonder hill + A doin' nothin' all day long + But just a settin' still. + + I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep + I wouldn't even wash + I'd set and set a thousand years + And rest myself--_By Gosh!_ + + + + +RESTAURANTS + + +A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently made his +first visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he went into a +restaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a rather meager meal. +When the bill was presented it totaled $8.35. The Missourian looked at +the amount twice to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him. Then +he smiled. "Waiter," he called, "you've made a mistake. I've got more +money than that!" + + +GUEST--"Look here! How long must I wait for the half-portion of duck I +ordered?" + +WAITER--"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill +half a duck." + + +Dr. C----, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract an +appendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserable +hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous +country girl. Said she: + +"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver." + +Said he: + +"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!" + + +"What's yours?" + +"Coffee and rolls, my girl." + +One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushed +over the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked under +the mug and over it. + +"But where is the saucer?" he inquired. + +"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin' +in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest +trade." + + +"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demanded +the waiter in the Central Park restaurant. + +"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist. + +"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," explained the +waiter. + + +CUSTOMER--"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike been +settled?" + +WAITER--"What strike, sir?" + +CUSTOMER--"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took my +order?" + + +AFFABLE WAITER--"How did you find that steak, sir?" + +GUEST--"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of potato and there +it was, underneath." + + +CHAUFFEUR--"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle cakes." + +WAITRESS--"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an order of blow-out +patches." + + + + +RETALIATION + + +Even though the war was over, she decided to do her patriotic duty +along the hospitality line. So she called the Army and Navy Club, and +transmitted her invitation through a suave-voiced officer. + +"I am Mrs. Humpfree McLeod, 33 First Avenue," she explained, "and I +should like to have two of your men come to dinner with us Sunday at +half-past one." + +"Yes. Thank you, Mrs. McLeod." + +"But wait--be sure, whatever you do, that they aren't Jews!" + +The tone of her voice was emphatic. + +Sunday came, bringing two chocolate-colored khaki-clad privates to the +McLeod house. When Mrs. McLeod brushed into the drawing-room to greet +her soldiers, all a-smile, she was surprised, to put it mildly. + +"Why!" she stammered. "Why, who invited you here?" + +"Our commanding officer," explained one, "Captain Cohen." + + +One morning Jorkins looked over his fence and said to his neighbor, +Harkins: + +"What are you burying in that hole?" + +"Just replanting some of my seeds, that's all," was the answer. + +"Seeds!" exclaimed Jorkins, angrily. "It looks more like one of my +hens!" + +"That's all right," said the other. "The seeds are +inside."--_Harper's_. + + +"What's coming off out in front there?" asked the proprietor of the +Tote Fair store in Tumlinville, Ark. + +"A couple of fellers from Straddle Ridge swapped mules," replied the +clerk, "and now each is accusing the other of skinning him." + +"Well, then, why don't they trade back?" + +"I reckon they are both afraid of getting skinned again." + + +MOTHER--"Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will you?" + +JOAN--"I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't speakin' to Fido +since he broke my doll!" + + +"It was mighty nice of you to give up your seat to that stout old +lady, Mr. Blinks. It is pleasant to see that there are still some +polite men left in the world." + +"Sorry, Mrs. Jabbers, but it wasn't politeness at all. The man who sat +next to me was quarrelsome because he said I crowded him too much, +and all I did was to use that stout old lady as a sort of retort +courteous."--_Judge_. "All sorts and conditions of men have excellent +explanations for their position in life," said the Senator. "A tramp, +however, came under my observation who had no illusions about the +cause of his own condition. + +"A fine looking and fashionably dressed woman had just alighted from +her limousine at the hotel entrance, and was suddenly approached by +this shabbily dressed man who requested a dime. + +"'No, I have no money to spare for you. I do not see why an +able-bodied man like you should go about begging.'" + +"'I s'ppose, ma'am,' replied the lazy tramp, 'it's fer about the same +reason that a healthy woman like you boards at a hotel instead of +keepin' house.'"--_Harper's_. + + +Apropos of foreign honesty, Dr. Nicholas Butler tells this story: + +"On a foreign railroad," he said, "a commuter had a row with the +conductor. At the end of the row the commuter turned to a friend and +said: + +"'Well, the P.D.R. will never see another cent of my money after +this.' + +"The conductor, who was departing, looked back and snarled: + +"'What'll you do? Walk?' + +"'Oh, no,' said the commuter, 'I'll stop buying tickets and pay my +fare to you.'" + + + + +ROADS + + +"How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer +Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not at +all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't call it a 'road.' +We call it a 'detour.'" + + + + +ROOSEVELT, THEODORE + + +"One beautiful autumn day," said the teacher, telling a story, "Little +Red Riding Hood was walking along a path in the woods when she came to +a sharp turn; and whom do you think she saw standing there, with a row +of shining white teeth gleaming at her?" + +Up went a little hand. + +"Who was it, Willie?" + +"Mister Roosevelt." + + + + +RUINS + + +An English nobleman was about to set out for India, and, fearing that +in his absence vandals might destroy a picturesque ruin on his estate, +he said to his steward: "I want you to build a wall here"--he drew a +tiny furrow with his stick around the ruin--"a stone wall five feet +high." + +On his return home the nobleman started for the spot. When he reached +it he rubbed his eyes in amazement. There was the new stone wall, but +he could see nothing towering up inside of it. He turned excitedly to +his steward: + +"Look here, where's the ruin, man?" + +"The ruin, my lord?" replied the steward. "Oh, that ould thing! Sure, +I used it to build the wall with." + + + + +RUMMAGE SALES + + +"Oh, John," sobbed Mrs. John, "I've done something awful, and I'm +almost afraid to tell you--but I must! I made a most awful mistake +this morning and sent your new dress suit to the rummage sale instead +of your old one, and when I found out what I had done and ran over to +get it back, it had been sold." + +"That's all right, Mabel, dear," said John amiably. "I stopped in at +the sale myself and bought it back for thirty-five cents." + + + + +SACRIFICES + + +"George, where are your school-books?" + +"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the wounded, I gave +mine to them." + + +"But, my dear," said his wife, after he had complained about the food +the new cook had brought in. "You know during these terrible times it +is absolutely necessary that we make great sacrifices." + +"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making hers in the +form of a burnt offering." + + + + +SAFETY + + +Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been many and +black, bore himself with an air of complete indifference and received +the sentence of the supreme penalty with a bored yawn. After he had +been led on to the scaffold and just as the hood and noose were about +to be placed over his head, the attendant priest, still persisting +in his attempts to awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man's +deafness to his prayers, asked him again for a final statement. + +The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested there +meditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest: + +"See here, old chap," he demanded, "is this thing perfectly safe?" + + +Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and listened +for an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he drawled, "Boys, these +feats of yours that you've been telling about recall an adventure of +my own in Hannibal. There was a fire in Hannibal one night, and Old +Man Hankinson got caught in the fourth story of the burning house. It +looked as if he was a goner. None of the ladders was long enough to +reach him. The crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobody +could think of anything to do. + +"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch a rope!' I +yelled. + +"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I flung the +end of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your waist!' I yelled. Old +Man Hankinson did so, and I pulled him down." + + +OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric car)--"Would +it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?" + +MOTORMAN (an Edison man)--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the +other one on the overhead wire." + + + + +SALARIES + + +"And about the salary?" said the movie star. + +"Well," said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose we call it +$5,000 a week?" + +"All right." + +"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call +it--you will get $500." + + +Salary--something paid to you for what you do. + +Income--something paid to you for what your father did. + + +"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?" + +"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from +monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't so +bad, after all." + + + + +SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP + + +"Hey, what did you go and sell them apples fer?" + +"Ain't they fer sale?" + +"No. Them was the samples we take out to our automobile customers." + + +"Who," asked the officiating clergyman, formally but impressively, +"gives this bride away?" + +"I--I was to," stammered her father, "but I've been a retail salesman +too long to give anything away. Let somebody else do it." + + +PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (to sales-manager who has advertised for a +salesman)--"I'm answering your ad in today's paper." + +SALES MANAGER--"Had much experience?" + +PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (confidently)--"Yes, sir. I've sold most +everything in my time." + +SALES MANAGER--"Then try selling me your services!" Mr. Babcock was +driving through the country, trying to buy a mule. He was directed to +a colored man who had one for sale. + +"Do you want to sell a mule?" asked Babcock. + +"Yaas, sah," replied the owner. "May I ask whar yo' live, sah?" + +"What has that got to do with it?" queried Babcock. + +"Well," explained the negro, "I ain't gwine ter transfer dat mule to +nobody dat lives less dan two hundred miles away from here. When I +sells that mule I wants to git rid not only of de mule, but of all +conversation appertainin' to him." + + +"Mr. Smith, I represent the Stygian Life Insurance Company. I know +you don't want to talk to me or listen to me; I know you have all the +insurance you feel able to pay for. I am not here to tell you your +chances of dying tonight, or of being hit by an automobile on leaving +this building; neither shall I try to convince you that my company can +offer you anything more than any other well-managed, long-established +concern. I shall not pretend that I am especially interested in your +welfare and wish to do you a service. I am trying to make a living. +Here is a blank application. You do not need to say any of the +commonplaces. Good day, Mr. Smith. + +"Ah, you have signed it. Permit me to insert the amount--say $25,000. +Our doctor will call on you tomorrow at 12:01. Thank you, Mr. Smith. +Yes; I am using a new method. The idea came from the Four Minute +speakers. Haven't lost a prospect yet. But my time is up. I shall +deliver your policy in person, but that takes only one minute under +the new system. Good-bye." + + +"I don't think I'll buy the house, but I've enjoyed the ride out here. +You run a good car." + +"Yes, I'm agent for this make. Can I book your order?" + + + Keep hollering-- + There's somebody + Somewhere that'll + Want what you've + Got sometime! + + +That clerk you all know died and approached the pearly gates. + +"Give me a seat in the front row," he demanded of St. Peter. + +"Sorry," said the hoary gatekeeper. "Heaven's all sold out, but I can +give you something just as good." + + +Trade was bad. At the end of another blank day the discouraged +salesman called on another prospective customer and asked to show his +samples. + +"No, there is nothing I want today," said the customer, + +"But will you just examine my line of goods?" the salesman persisted. + +The customer would not. + +"Then," said the salesman meekly, "will you let me use a part of your +counter to look at them myself, as I have not had the opportunity for +some time?" + + +"I want a pair of the best gloves you have," said Mrs. Nuritch at the +glove counter. + +"Yes, ma'am," replied the polite salesman. "How long do you want +them?" + +"Don't git insultin', young man! I want to buy 'em, not hire 'em." + + +"How do you manage to sell so many fireless cookers?" + +"It's due to my method of approach," said the smart salesman. "I begin +my little talk by saying, 'Madam, I have called to enable you to spend +every afternoon at the movies.'" + + +NEW MAN ON THE ROAD--"What is the best time for me to see the head of +this firm I'm working for, boy?" + +OFFICE BOY--"Between the time he gets your sales-account and the time +he gets your expense-account."--_Puck_. + + +_"Orders Is Orders"_ + +One of the traveling salesmen breezed back from a short trip. + +"How's business?" grunted the manufacturer. + +"Fine," beamed the agent. + +Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars. + +"How fine?" + +"Got two good orders," the agent said. + +"Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?" + +"One," came the reply, "was from Mr.---- of---- &---- who ordered me +to 'Get out,' and the other was from his partner who ordered me to +'Stay out.'" + + +_See also_ Booksellers and bookselling; Mistakes. + + + + +SALVATION + + +An evangelist was exhorting his hearers to flee from the wrath to +come. "I warn you," he thundered, "there will be weeping and wailing +and gnashing of teeth." + +At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up. + +"Sir, I have no teeth." + +"Madam," returned the preacher sternly, "teeth will be provided." + + + + +SAVING + + +SON--"Dad, what is a savings account?" + +FATHER--"A savings account is that part of a man's income which the +government takes after permitting him to pay for the necessities of +life." + +_See also_ Economy; Thrift. + + + + +SCANDAL + + +"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree looked +up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up."--_Life_. + + +Believe that story false that ought not to be true.--_Sheridan_. + + + Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, + Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike; + Alike reserv'd to blame, or to commend, + A tim'rous foe, and a suspicious friend. + + --_Pope_. + + +The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is not sinful +to sin in silence.--_Moliere_. + + + + +SCHOLARSHIP + + +"What's the matter? You look thoughtful." + +"My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to answer." + +"What of that?" + +"My average ranks me as a deficient kid." + + +"Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?" asked the +millionaire. + +"I would put it even stronger than that," replied the private tutor. +"I may say that he is actually stranded on them." + + +"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to +keep as far away from him as you possibly can." + +"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the time." + + +_See also_ College students. + + + + +SCHOOLS + + +A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country +schoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's +yer bill o'fare?" + +"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the schoolmaster, "embraces +geography, arithmetic, trigonometry--" + +"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well +with triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family." + + +There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy +who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions. + + +CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you're +so young?" + +WILLIE--"It's this way, dad. School is going to be a tough place for +the next few years. We'll have a new map of Europe to study, and if we +fall down on it the teacher is likely to give us the Constitution of +the League of Nations to learn by heart." + + +MAMMA--"How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you able to sit up?" + +ROBERT--"I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on my feet." + +MAMMA--"Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday. This is +Saturday--" + +ROBERT (jumping out of bed)--"Saturday! Gee! I thought it was Friday!" + + + + +SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT + + +EFFICIENCY EXPERT--"I am very gratified to see how many new men you +have taken on since I installed my system." + +"Yes, I hired 'em to take care of the system."--_Judge_. + + + + +SCOTCH, THE + + +An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscences +of sporting occasions. + +"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race," deposed the +Englishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently painted +won by the breadth of the coat of paint." + +"The closest race I ever saw," declared the Scotchman, "was one in +which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling of +his nose." + +"The closest race I ever saw," said the Irishman, "is the Scotch." + + +Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one evening +noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slot +machine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny. +The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man dead +beside the slot machine. + + +Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrily +at their pipes. + +"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said Donald. + +"Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy. + +"Weel," said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca ye're +thinkin' o' the awfu' expense, an' if ye're smokin' some ither body's, +yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw." + + +A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch +whisky. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along +came a Ford which he did not side-step quite in time. It threw him +down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. +Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his +leg. + +"Oh, God," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!" + + +During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get his head +blown off. + +A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, who +asked, anxiously: + +"Where's his head? He was smoking ma pipe." + + +A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for a moment +to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when the +proprietor asked him if he would not try on a coat. + +"I dinna ken but I wad," responded the emigrant, consulting his watch; +and he went in and set to work. No matter how often he found a fit, +he tried on another and another till he tried on about thirty. Then, +again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment and walked off +saying: + +"Weel, I've lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that'll no' +obleege anither when he can!" + + +Three Scotchmen were in church one Sunday morning when the minister +made a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, hoping that every one +in the congregation would give at least one dollar or more. The three +Scots became very nervous as the collection plate neared them, when +one of them fainted and the other two carried him out. + + +Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution. + +Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host +knew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the +midst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the +company, bidding each a profound farewell. + +"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not going yet, with the +evenin' just started?" + +"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' +ye good-night while I know ye all." + + +A Scotchman was strolling through the market-place one day with his +faithful collie at his heels. Attracted by a fine display of shell and +other fish, the Scot stopped to admire, perhaps to purchase. The +dog stood by gently wagging its tail while its master engaged the +fishmonger in conversation. + +Unfortunately for the dog, its tail dropped for a moment over a big +basketful of fine live lobsters. Instantly one of the largest lobsters +snapt its claws on the tail and the surprised collie dashed off +through the market, yelping with pain, while the lobster hung on +grimly, tho dashed violently from side to side. The fishmonger for +a moment was speechless with indignation. Then turning to his +prospective customer, he bawled: + +"Mon, mon! whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog!" + +"Hoot, mon," returned the other, complacently, "whustle to yer +lobster!" + + + + +SEASICKNESS + + +"My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!" + +"I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies."--_Punch_. + + +The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washington +took the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay. +A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly the +worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress the Chief +Justice touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepest +sympathy: + +"Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?" + +"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor can +overrule this motion." + + +An amateur sailor was making his first trip across the Atlantic, and +was in the throes of the _mal de mer_ when the ship's surgeon came +across him. + +"What's the matter?" was the doctor's callous query. + +"O-o-oh!" was the only response as the young man rolled over in agony. + +"Come, get up," derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. "The ship's +been torpedoed and will sink in ten minutes." + +"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. "Can't you make it any +sooner?" + + +"How was the trip over?" I asked one of our returning soldiers. + +"Rough as thunder," was the reply. + +"Did they feed you well?" I asked. + +"Six meals a day," he said. + +"Six?" I echoed. + +"Yes," was the laughing reply; "three down and three up." + + +A New York man was crossing the Atlantic with an army officer who +suffered greatly from sea-sickness. + +On entering the stateroom one particularly rough day, he found the +officer tossing in his berth, muttering in what at first appeared to +be a sort of delirium. + +Stooping over to catch his words, the friend heard him say: "Sergeant +... major ... sergeant ... major ... brigadier-general ... ugh, +_lieutenant_-general ... a-a-ah!" + +"What are you saying?" asked the friend in some alarm, as the sufferer +looked piteously up at him after his last gasping "a-a-ah!" + +"Assigning the waves their rank," said the military man, rolling +toward the wall again. "There have been eight lieutenant-generals +within the last twenty minutes." + + +CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST--"Nothing is ever lost! Everything in the universe +is in its right place at the right time!" + +MAN FROM MISSOURI--"Have you never been seasick?" + + +The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such +instances one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy. + +"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on the +rail. + +The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn he +could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging +over the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!" + + + + +SECRETS + + +"Can you keep a secret, Peggy?" + +"I can; but it's just my luck to tell things to other girls who +can't." + + +ALICE--"I thought you could keep a secret." + +MABEL--"Well, I kept it for a week. Do you think I'm a cold-storage +plant?" + + +JACK--"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?" + +ETHEL--"No; I don't want her to think it was important enough to +repeat." + + +CRAWFORD--"I see that the Ku Klux are going to admit women members." + +CRABSHAW--"Why, I thought it was a secret society." + + +It is said that an ancient Chinese sage who lived in the second +century was offered a bribe. His silence being accepted as hesitation, +he was assured that he was perfectly safe, as no one knew it. He +replied: + +"Heaven knows, it. Earth knows it. You know it. I know it. How can you +say that no one knows it?" + + + + + +SELF-MADE MEN + + +"Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of my +own fortune." + +"Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that +it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspectors around +when you were constructing it." + + + + +SENATE + + +FORWARDLOOKER--"The Senate has a plan to settle labor disputes." + +CYNIC--"If labor would devise a plan for settling Senate disputes, we +might have peace." + + +The more we read about the Senate the more we understand the word +"jazz." + + + + +SENATORS + + +"What is your position on this great question?" + +"My position," replied Senator Sorghum, "is somewhat like that of a +tight-rope walker. I don't want to stop to argue or show off. What I +want to do is to get across to solid ground." + + +"The interrogation 'Where did you get it?' causes me much less +apprehension," confessed Senator Smugg, "than the feeling that some +day the public may learn the answer to the question 'Where did you put +it?'"--_Puck_. + + + + +SENSE OF HUMOR + + +SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT (cross-questioning the terrified class)--"And +now I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet.'" + +FRIGHTENED BOY--"P-p-please, sir, it-it wasn't me." + +That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, the +squire of the village. The superintendent said: + +"Most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class over +at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet.' He answered +tearfully, 'P-p-please, sir, it wasn't me.'" + +After loud and prolonged laughter, the squire said: + +"That's pretty good, and I suppose the little rascal had done it all +the time!" + + +_British and American Humor_ + +Having observed in a London omnibus a notice warning passengers to +be careful as they alight, which is couched in these terms: "Cinema +actors risk their lives for pay! Don't do it for nothing!" a New York +journalist remarks that "an American advertisement on that subject +would be serious; the British are more flippant in their seriousness +than the Americans." + +It seems as if this critic (writes a correspondent of the Manchester +Guardian) never saw the notices posted in the trains used for +conveying American troops in France during the last six months of the +war. Tho drawn up at American headquarters, these notices are quite as +"flippant in their seriousness" as the one he quotes. One of them ran: + +THREE KINDS OF FOOLS + +1. Fools. + +2. Damned fools. + +3. SOLDIERS WHO RIDE ON TOPS AND SIDES OF CARS. + +A great many American soldiers have already been killed as a result of +riding on tops of cars. + +There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and +tunnel arches. + +There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and +bridge superstructures. + +There is only a slight clearance between sides of cars and +signal-towers. + +IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE NEXT BLOCK KEEP YOURS INSIDE. + +There was another one worded as follows: + +YOUR HEAD MAY BE HARD + +But not so hard as Bridges and Tunnel Arches. + +Railway company will hold you responsible for damages to bridges and +tunnels and signal-towers--they are not insured. + +KEEP YOUR BLOCK INSIDE + +And yet another: + + Huns are waiting. + Trenches ahead. + Speed up. +You won't if you ride on top of or stick your head out of cars. + +KEEP YOUR IVORY IN! + + +HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Y'r Honor, Oi think that humorist should be +prohibited from givin' his lecture in the opera house tomorrow night, +sor!" + +MAYOR OF TOWN--"Why so, Mooney? Is it immoral?" + +HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Not immoral, sor; but they say his humor is +contagious!" + + + + +SENTRIES + + +_See_ Armies. + + + + +SERMONS + + +_See_ Preaching. + + + + +SERVANTS + + +MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that +dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least." + +BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'ree +weeks." + + +While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they passed +an employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored Help +Supplied." + +"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?" + + +Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her +employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier +profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street. + +"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you working now?" + +"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'se +capering for a congressman." + + +WIFE--"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, but +somewhat out of style." + +HUSBAND--"Why don't you give it to the laundress?" + +WIFE--"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn't +offend her for the world." + + +MRS. ECKS--"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wise +said she had such a treasure." + +MRS. WYE--"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has the +treasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might steal +her." + + +MISTRESS--"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We +have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening." + +COOK--"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years, +but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!" + + +NEW MISTRESS--"How about the afternoon off?" + +NORAH--"Sure, mum, take wan--I'm willin'." + + +MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)--"Matthews! What does this mean? +How did this policeman get here?" + +COOK (equal to the occasion)--"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left over +by the last cook." + + +"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah." + +"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the +family." + + +"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved +out here," said Mr. Crosslots. + +"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report has gone +out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted +with her." + + +Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to +receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and when +the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card. + +The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presented +their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs. +Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door: + +"Tickets no good; you can't come in." + + +MISTRESS--"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me." + +BRIDGET--"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful of +company." + + +Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badly +that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away and +offered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinner +Mrs. Johnson did not notice her. + +"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady who +sat between them. + +"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that she +calls on my cook." + + +MR. EXE--"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?" + +MRS. EXE--"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it was +just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone." + + +"Does your family have any trouble with servants?" + +"No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around +the place long enough to become really troublesome." + + +Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when +one asked the other: + +"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?" + +"I am afraid not." + +"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!" + +"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell you +the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother." + + +"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. "Well, I +know them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse." She shot a +spiteful look at her mistress and added: "I'm better looking than you. +More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? Your husband told me so." + +"That will do," said her mistress, frigidly. + +"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a better +kiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, mum?" + +"If you mean to suggest that my husband--" + +"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said Mary Ann. "It was your +chauffeur." + + +Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a neighbor +for a situation. + +"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. Bliffkins. + +"Very well, thank you," was the reply. + +"I am glad to hear it," remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your employer is a +very nice lady, and you cannot do too much for her." + +"I don't mean to, ma'am," replied Mary. + + +MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY--"Was the grocer's boy impudent again this +morning, Clara, when you telephoned the order?" + +CLARA--"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot for. I sez, 'Who +d'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? I'm Mrs. Smythe der +Willoughby!'"--_Punch_. + + +MRS. GLABBERDEEN--"Of course you, too, must often change cooks?" + +MRS. JALPERDILL--"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from such a +continual going and coming that we've decided this winter to equip our +kitchen with revolving doors." + + +VISITOR--"Why does your servant go about the house with her hat on?" + +MISTRESS--"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this morning, and +hasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll stay."--_Punch (London)_. + + +The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, judging from +this advertisement: + +Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight hours +daily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 to 8; all off +for lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. Apply--, etc. + + +HUSBAND (at dinner)--"By George, this is a regular banquet. Finest +spread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?" + +WIFE--"No, but I think the cook does." + + +AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a fortune?" + +AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave." + + +"Have you any cooks on hand?" + +"Six in the anteroom." + +"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I might +suit." + + +THE NEW MAID--"In my last place I always took things fairly easy." + +COOK--"Well, it's different here. They keep everything locked up." + + +Mrs. X. had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for another. +Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. Finally, putting +on her things, she went out, and she hadn't gone far when she met a +neat-looking colored woman. She explained her dilemma and the colored +woman listened in silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?" + +Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. gave her address, to be met +with this reply: + +"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see yo' cook." + + +MISTRESS--"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster. +Can you promise that?" + +BRIDGET--"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about wastin' +time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'." + + +"Do you keep any servants?" + +"No, of course, not." + +"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?" + +"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we +don't keep them." + + +FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her +mistress)--"And they all came in limousines, and had on the grandest +clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds." + +NEIGHBOR'S MAID--"And what did they talk about?" + +FIRST MAID--"Us." + + +"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie," was +the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic. +"Don't you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on a +salver?" + +"Sure, mum, I knew," answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you did." + + +Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill from her +wage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked mistress heard her +exclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; that's fer helpin' me wash +the dishes." + + +_See also_ Recommendations. + + + + +SERVICE + + + _Payment_ + + We pay too much with money, pay + Our debts with gold, and only gold-- + Bestow a purse and turn away, + And think that song is bought and sold. + A queen paid Shakespeare for his wit, + And thought that was the end of it. + + We pay too much with money, deem + A dollar can discharge a debt, + Or buy a dress, or buy a dream, + Perhaps a spray of mignonette. + The deft designer, what of her? + And who can pay a gardener? + + We must pay money, and pay more-- + The sustenance for daily need, + And then the larger payment for + The beauty dreamed, the planted seed-- + With service pay for service, give + The larger things by which we live. + + Each has his gift and each his art + That men for others must employ; + We must contribute each his part + To make the universal joy-- + With service pay for service, pay + Each in his own, his destined, way. + + --_Douglas Malloch_. + + +SERVICE STAR + + + _The Gold Star_ + + Little golden service star, + How I wonder who you are. + Does a sweetheart, or a wife, + Love you, little star of "Life?" + Or a mother, proud but sad, + Who gave all, her only lad? + When I first beheld you there + You were blue, born with a prayer. + Golden star and star of blue-- + With one soul God gave to you-- + Do you know how proud we are + Of the golden service star? + + --_Beth Nichols_. + + + + +SHOPPING + + +CLERK--"Now see here little girl, I can't spend the whole day showing +you penny toys. Do you want the earth with a little red fence around +it for a cent?" + +LITTLE GIRL--"Let me see it." + + +"How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?" + +"When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. When +they're shopping they ask if you haven't something more expensive in +stock." + + +In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets. After the +clerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters with blankets +of every description and color, the lady thanked him and said: "I was +just looking for a friend." + +"Well, madam," said the obliging clerk, "if you think your friend is +among these blankets, I'll look again." + + +"Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?" + +"Yes; but why do you ask?" + +"I was just thinking that you might have done better if you had +shopped around a little more." + + +Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her money. She +rushed excitedly into the hardware department. + +"Give me a mouse-trap!" she exclaimed. "Quickly, please, because I +want to catch a train." + + +HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of packages)--"Heavens! You must +have had a successful shopping day." + +WIFE--"Yes, dear, and that isn't the best of it. I have actually got +something that I am going to keep."--_Life_. + + +An old fellow who was noted through the town for his stuttering as +well as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at a grocery +and inquired: + +"How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?" + +"Eight, sir," replied the grocer. + +"T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?" + +"Some are tender and some tough," was the reply. + +"I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick out the four +t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please." + +The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the unusual request, +and said in his politest tones: + +"These are the tough ones, sir." + +Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and +exclaimed: + +"I'll t--t--take th--th--th--these!" + + + + +SIGHT SEEING + + +The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up the +steps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up impatiently. + +"'Ere, you," he said to a man on top, "don't you want Westminster +Abbey?" + +"Yes," was the reply. + +"Well," retorted the conductor, "come down for it. I can't bring it on +the bus for you." + + + + +SIGNS + + +Eva S----, twenty-four years old, a maid employed in Jersey City, +was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth Street Police Station, +charged with grand larceny. She is alleged to have stolen $160 worth +of articles from a Sixth Avenue department-store. + +The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the store which +read: "Customers, please take small packages home." + + +"Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?" asked a client of the +cash tailor. + +"Well, well," replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it hadn't been +for an apple where would the clothing business be today?" + + +In a large park in one of the Eastern cities there are seats about the +bandstand with this notice posted on them: + +"The seats in the vicinity of the bandstand are for the use of ladies. +Gentlemen should make use of them only after the former are seated." + + +A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole. + +"Here," exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!" + +"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer, "Well, why does the sign say, +'Fine for Hitching'?'" + + +You have heard perhaps, of the Englishman in the South Station, +Boston, who read over a door "Inside Baggage," and chuckled with glee: +"You Americans are so droll! Now we should say 'Refreshment Room.'" + + +Somebody ought to call attention to the public-library sign, "Only low +talk is permitted here." + + +The small boy's parents had distinct ideas of discipline. The walls of +the sitting-room were lined with tracts, and the cane was always kept +behind "Love one another." + +One day everything went wrong, and the little boy was whipped eight +times. + +After the eighth caning he said, between his sobs, "D-d-don't you +think it's t-time to take the cane from behind 'L-love one another' +and put it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every hour'?" + + +Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she came +rushing home in high excitement. + +"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There are +splendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they are cheap." + +"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the mother asked +in astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing a joke on you." + +"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and down in her +eagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of the skating rink. +It says, 'This week only, children half price.'" + + +In Davenport: "We've given a service to our patrons that compels them +to think of Crooks when there's any laundry work to be done." On a +parsonage door in Trinidad, Colo.: "The last man who tried to work +me is in jail." On a tombstone in Batavia: "If we must part let us go +together." On State Street: "Open all night. Latest moving pictures." +In a Morton Park dance-hall: "Use checkroom. Absolutely no clothes +allowed in this room." (Attention of Mayor Harrison.) On Franklin +Street: "Reign Umbrella Co." In the Spencer Hotel, Marion, Ind.: +"Discourteous treatment, by the waiters, if reported to the +proprietor, will be greatly appreciated." + + +Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They do +not waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it. + +In a garage at Albuquerque is posted: + +"Don't smoke round the tank! If your life isn't worth anything, +gasoline is!" + + +Another home problem is solved by a firm of cleaners in Grinnell, +Iowa, which advertises: "Notice--ladies--why worry about your dirty +kids when we clean them for fifteen cents?" + + +"Our readers," says the Boston Transcript, "often go into movie +theaters to laugh, but did you ever realize that you can get many a +good laugh by reading the funny wording of some of the signs out in +front and in the lobby? We have noticed how audiences enjoy these +funny signs which have been shown on the screen in The Literary +Digest 'Topics of the Day.' Here are some of the most laughable ones +mentioned: + +"Movie theater sign: + + "'Watch Your Wife' + Every Night This Week." + + --_Albany Argus_. + +"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater: + + "'Mother, I Need You + for Three Days + Beginning Nov. 30'." + + + +"Sign in front of movie house: + + "'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her husband'." + + --_Columbus (O.) Citizen_. + + +"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice," remarked the tourist. +"I wonder that they have not put up a warning-board!" + +"Yes," answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a warning-board +up for two years, but no one fell over, so it was taken down." + + +Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and was in the +habit of wearing his hat in the bank during business hours. Every week +a negro employee of the bank presented a check and drew his wages. +One day, as he was putting the money in a worn and greasy wallet, the +banker chanced to pass by, and asked, "Look here, John, why don't you +let some of that money stay in the bank and keep an account with us?" + +"Well, sah," replied the negro, leaning toward the banker and gazing +curiously at the Panama hat he wore, "I'se always afeared. You see, +sah, you look like you was always ready to start somewheres." + + +During revival meetings in a Western city placards giving notices +of the various meetings, subjects, etc., were posted in conspicuous +places. One day the following was displayed: + +"Subject--'Hell: Its Location and Its Absolute Certainty.' + +"Thomas Jones, barytone, will sing 'Tell Mother I'll Be There.'" + + + + +SILENCE + + +I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he approaches +nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent, even tho' he is in the +right.--_Cato_. + + +Nothing at times is more expressive than silence.--_George Eliot_. + + + + +SIMPLIFIED SPELLING + + +_See_ Spelling. + + + + +SIN + + +NEW CURATE--"What did you think of the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?" + +PARISHIONER--"Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We really didn't +know what sin was till you came here." + + + Know'st thou not all germs of evil + In thy heart await their time? + Not thyself, but God's restraining, + Stays their growth of crime. + + --_Whittier_. + + + 'Tis fearful building upon any sin; + One mischief enter'd, brings another in: + The second pulls a third, the third draws more, + And they for all the rest set ope the door: + Till custom take away the judging sense, + That to offend we think it no offence. + + --_Smith_. + + +_See also_ Lies. + + + + +SINGERS + + +A quartette is where all four think the other three can't sing. + + + + +SKEPTICS + + +The heavy black clouds had massed in the east and west, the lightning +was flashing fiercely between the heavy incessant rolling of the +thunder. + +Francis was terribly frightened, and his fond mother had gathered her +young hopeful and tried logically to calm his fears. + +"Don't be afraid, darling. There's nothing to fear. God sends the +thunderstorm to clear the air, water the flowers, and make it cooler +for us. Now, don't cry, dear; it won't harm you, and everything will +be better when it's over." + +The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother finished he +looked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; you talk exactly +the way you did last week when you took me to the dentist to have the +tooth pulled." + + + This a sacred rule we find + Among the nicest of mankind,-- + To doubt of facts, however true, + Unless they know the causes too. + + --_Churchill_. + + + + +SLANG + + +A Franklin professor says slang has its place, and he might have added +that the place seems to be everywhere. + + +"Do Englishmen understand American slang?" + +"Some of them do. Why?" + +"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has cabled me to +come across." + + + + +SMILES + + +Smile! Never let your face look like a funeral; look like a search +warrant. The bud that cannot blossom dries up in the stock. Smile, if +you have to force it. + +When your voice sounds like a benediction, when your face looks like +an old lemon, folks are sure to sidestep you. + +What you give out you are reasonably sure to take in. + +Look for a fight and someone will put a black circle round your left +eye. + +Remember this: The face is more legible than an open book. You can +read the face at a distance and get it all at a glance. The book +compels you to thumb the leaves. + +Smile, you son-of-a-gun, smile! + + + _If I Knew_ + + If I knew the box where the smiles are kept, + No matter how large the key, + Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard + 'Twould open, I know, for me. + Then over the land and sea, broadcast, + I'd scatter the smiles to play, + That the children's faces might hold them fast + For many and many a day. + + If I knew a box that was large enough + To hold all the frowns I meet, + I would like to gather them, every one, + From nursery, school and street. + Then, folding and holding, I'd pack them in, + And, turning the monster key, + I'd hire a giant to drop the box + To the depths of the deep, deep sea. + + +"Can you tell me what a smile is?" asked a gentleman of a little girl. + +"Yes, sir; it's the whisper of a laugh." + + + + +SMOKING + + +"Have a cigar?" + +"No--don't smoke now." + +"Sworn off?" + +"Nope; stopped entirely." + + +"Your wife doesn't kick about your smoking up the curtains." + +"Nope, she can't have both curtains and coupons." + + +It was on a passenger train. The conductor in passing through observed +a man with a cigar in his mouth. "Hey, you can't smoke in here," he +bawled out. + +"I'm not smoking," quietly replied the passenger. + +"Well, you've got a cigar in your face," shot back the conductor. + +"Suppose I have," continued the other good naturedly. "I've got feet +in my shoes and I'm not walking." + + + _Mark Twain: A Pipe Dream_ + + Well I recall how first I met + Mark Twain--an infant barely three + Rolling a tiny cigarette + While cooing on his nurse's knee. + + Since then in every sort of place + I've met with Mark and heard him joke, + Yet how can I describe his face? + I never saw it for the smoke. + + At school he won a smokership, + At Harvard College (Cambridge, Mass.) + His name was soon on every lip, + They made him "smoker" of his class. + + Who will forget his smoking bout + With Mount Vesuvius--our cheers-- + When Mount Vesuvius went out + And didn't smoke again for years? + + The news was flashed to England's King, + Who begged Mark Twain to come and stay, + Offered his dukedoms--anything + To smoke the London fog away. + + But Mark was firm. "I bow," said he, + "To no imperial command, + No ducal coronet for me, + My smoke is for my native land!" + + For Mark there waits a brighter crown! + When Peter comes his card to read-- + He'll take the sign "No smoking" down, + Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed. + + --_Oliver Herford_. + + + + +SNOBBERY + + +A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful +of patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and made up a very +successful little monologue show, entirely humorous. The audience +in the main gave symptoms of being slightly bored, but one highly +intelligent maniac saw the whole thing in the proper light, and, +clapping the talented actor on the shoulder, said: "Glad you've come +old fellow. You and I will get along fine. The other dippies here are +so dashed dignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put on +airs about it." + + + + +SOCIALISTS + + +"What's the difference between a socialist and a plutocrat?" + +"There are many; but the leading one is that the former fights for his +principle and the latter for his interest." + + + + +SOCIETY + + +"Dad, what's a social scale?" + +"Well, generally speaking old man, it's a place where money is +weighed." + + +REGULAR CUSTOMER--"I shall want a large quantity of flowers from you +next week for my daughter's coming out." + +FLOWER WOMAN--"Yes, mum. You shall 'ave the very best for 'er, pore +dear. Wot were she put in for?"--_Punch_. + + +WILLIS--"What makes you think it is easier for a rich man to land in +Society than for an immigrant to land in America?" + +GILLIS--"In the former case the literacy test isn't as strict." + + +AUNT--"You'll be late for the party, won't you, dear?" + +NIECE--"Oh, no, auntie. In our set nobody goes to a party until +everybody else gets there." + + +Man it attracted to society by a desire to improve himself; and leaves +it for the same reason. + + + + +SOCIOLOGY + + +Catalog Class: "300 is the number for sociology. Now what does that +word mean to you, children?" One little girl stands up, smooths out +her frock, straightens her bow, folds her hands, and, being properly +adjusted to recite, exclaims: "Sociology is a science that teaches you +how to sew." + + + + +SOLDIERS + + +Noah would have saved future soldiers a lot of trouble if he had +swatted those two cooties when they marched up the gang plank of the +ark. + + + + +SOUND + + +Sound travels at the rate of 400 yards per second. + +Exceptions to this rule: + +Scandal: 1,000 yards. + +Flattery: 500 yards. + +Truth: 2-1/2 yards. + +Alarm-clock:----? + + + + +SOUVENIRS + + +Secretary of State Lansing slipped out of the council chamber and went +souvenir hunting in the palace. Luck was with him, he said, for he +found a remarkable piece of antique wall-paper. + +Next day a frantic Japanese stenographer was looking for his shorthand +notes. + + + + +SPECULATION + + +"My wife watches the sugar market closely." + +"Speculating?" + +"In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back when it's +low." + + +The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their quiet +wedding, had a quiet wedding breakfast _a deux_. Astrakhan +caviar, eggs pompadour, a truffled chicken, fresh California peas, +champagne--so the quiet breakfast ran. + +"My dear," said the old millionaire, as the fruit course, a superb +Florida melon, came on, "tell me, dear"--and he laid his withered hand +on her young one--"do you love me for what I am or for what I was?" + +The beautiful girl smiled down from the window into the admiring +eyes of a young clubman who was passing; then she bent her clear, +considering gaze on the gray ruin opposite and replied: + +"I love you, George, for what you will be." + + +HARPER--"Foozle has a great scheme and he invited me 'to get in on the +ground floor.'" + +CARPER--"Don't forget that that is where the trap-doors are." + + +HEWITT--"Don't you think I stand a good chance of making a fortune out +of that mine?" + +JEWITT--"Out of it, yes. In it, no." + + + + +SPEED + + +Spurr, the keeper of the livery stable, would never allow a horse out +of his sight without giving the hirer strict injunctions not to drive +fast. + +One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral. + +"Certainly," said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn purpose for +which his customer wanted the horse, he added, as usual, "Don't drive +fast!" + +"Look here, old man," was the reply, "I would like you to understand +that I shall keep up with the procession if it kills the horse!" + + +INQUIRER (at South Station)--"Where does this train go?" + +BRAKEMAN--"This train goes to New York in ten minutes." + +INQUIRER--"Goodness! That's going some!" + + +With but three minutes to catch his train, the traveling salesman +inquired of the street-car conductor, "Can't you go faster than this?" + +"Yes," the bell-ringer replied, "but I have to stay with my car." + + +"I was out over the speedway today, and in thirty seconds I did a mile +in four laps." + +"That's nothing. I know a young lady who did thirty miles in one +lap, and she would have done more if I hadn't got a cramp in my +knees."--_Puck_. + + +A negro was on the stand in an Alabama courthouse testifying to the +details of a shooting scrape. The witness told how the prisoner at +the bar drew a revolver and began firing at one George Henry, and how +Henry ran to save himself. + +"You say Henry ran?" interjected the lawyer for the defense. + +"Dat's whut I said." + +"You are sure he ran?" + +"Sho" is!" + +"Well, did he run fast?" + +"Did he run fa--Say, boss, ef dat nigger had o' had one feather in his +hand he'd o' flew." + + + + +SPELLING + + + If an S and an I, and an O and a U, + With an X at the end spell "su," + And an E and a Y and an E spell I, + Pray what is a speller to do? + Then if an S and an I and a G + And an H E D spell "side," + There's nothing much for a speller to do + But go commit siouxeyesighed. + + +A Chicago man was walking through a foreign quarter of his city when, +with an amused smile, he stopped in front of a small eating-place, on +the window of which was painted in white, "Lam Stew." + +Now the proprietor happened to be standing in the doorway, and when he +saw the smile of the gentleman who had stopped in front of his place +he asked to be favored with an explanation of the joke. + +Whereupon the other explained about the missing "b" in "lamb," and +the proprietor accepted the correction in good part, at the same time +expressing his thanks. + +When next the Chicago man passed that restaurant he found that the +menu had been changed, but that the lesson in orthography had not +been forgotten. The proprietor was now offering "Clamb Chowder." +--_Harper's_. + + +"The spelling-book's all wrong, mama! It don't look right for a little +thing like a kitten to have six letters and a big cat to only have +three." + + +"What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair young +applicant for the stenographer's job. + +"I learned," she replied, "that spelling is essential to a +stenographer." + +The boss chuckled, + +"Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'" + +The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second. + +"There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you prefer?" + +And she got the job. + + +JONES--"'Ow is your 'ealth today, Mr. 'Arrison?" + +HARRISON--"My name is not 'Arrison." + +JONES--"Well, if a haitch, a hay, two hars, a hi, a hes, a ho and a +hen don't spell 'Arrison, then what does it spell?" + + +A sailor was taken ill with a bad attack of rheumatism while +mine-sweeping on a trawler. + +The sick man was promptly ordered to hospital, but later on the doctor +found out, quite by accident, that he was still on board ship. + +Angrily he asked why his order had not been obeyed. + +"Well," replied the captain, we tried to send him ashore, but a +sergeant of police hailed us and said that on no account was he to be +landed or we'd be fined L100, so we just kept him on board." + +"But did you not signal to the depot, as I said." + +"Yes, we did; but neither me nor the signalman knew how to spell +rheumatism, so we called it smallpox." + + + _O-U-G-H_ + + _A Fresh Hack at an Old Knot_ + + I'm taught p-l-o-u-g-h + S'all be pronounce "plow." + "Zat's easy w'en you know," I say, + "Mon Anglais, I'll get through!" + + My teacher say zat in zat case, + O-u-g-h is "oo" + And zen I laugh and say to him, + "Zees Anglaiz make me cough." + + He say "Not coo," but in zat word, + O-u-g-h is 'off' + Oh, Sacre bleu! such varied sounds + Of words makes me hiccough! + + He say "Again mon frien' ees wrong; + O-u-g-h is 'up' + In hiccough." Zen I cry, "No more, + You make my t'roat feel rough." + + "Non, non!" he cry, "you are hot right; + O-u-g-h is 'uff.'" + I say, "I try to spik your words, + I cannot spik zem though!" + + "In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong! + O-u-g-h is 'owe.'" + "I'll try no more, I s'all go mad, + I'll drown me in ze lough!" + + "But ere you drown yourself," said he, + "O-u-g-h is 'ock'." + He taught no more, I held him fast, + And killed him wiz a rough. + + --_Charles Battell Loomis_. + + +"Pa, what's phonetic spelling?" + +"It's a way of spelling that I often got whipped for when I was your +age." + + +"I say, Hodge, why do you always put 'dictated' on your letters? You +don't keep a stenographer." + +"No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's exceedingly +rocky." + + +"And what did my little son learn about this morning?" + +"Oh, a mouse. Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses." + +"That's the boy! Now, how do you spell 'mouse'?" + +It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful dodger. He +paused meditatively for a moment, then said: + +"Father, I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a mouse teacher was telling us +about. It was a rat." + + +What does Ghoughphteightteau spell? Give it up? + +Well, "gh" stands for "p" as in "hiccough"; "ough" stands for "o" as +in "dough"; "phth" stands for "t" as in "phthisis"; "eigh" stands for +"a" as in "neigh"; "tte" stands for "t" as in "gusitte," and +"eau" stands for "o" as in "beau." Put them together and you have +"P-O-T-A-T-O." + +Easy, isn't it? + + + + +SPINSTERS + + +"Helen," said the teacher, "can you tell me what a 'myth' is?" "Yeth, +ma'am," lisped Helen; "it ith a woman that hath not got any huthband." + + +WILLIS--"Going to the party?" + +GILLIS--"No. I haven't any lady." + +WILLIS--"Come with me. I've got two extras." + +GILLIS--"Who are they?" + +WILLIS--"Miss Oldbud and Miss Passe." + +GILLIS--"They're not extras. They're early editions." + + +"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry an old maid," said grandma at +the wedding. + +"Why, grandma?" asked the son. + +"Well, gals is highty-tighty, and widders is kinder overrulin' and +upsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' to please." + + +CHARLES--"Girls wish they were men." + +HERBERT--"Why do you say that?" + +"Because spinsters like to call themselves 'bachelor girls,' but no +bachelor ever calls himself an 'old-maid man.'" + + +There is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher thought when +he explained the meaning of "old maid," as a woman who had been made a +long time. + + + + +STAMMERING + + +They were going home from school. + +"Teacher said that that that that that girl used was superfluous." + +"Here's the first pupil for my stammering school," said the business +man as he introduced himself. + + + + +STAMPS + + +At the post-office a little girl deposited a dime in front of the +clerk and said: "Please, I forgot the name of the stamp mama told me +to get, but it's the kind that makes a letter hurry up." + + + + +STATISTICS + + +"If a man had put a hundred dollars in a savings bank twenty years +ago," said the statistician after dinner, "it would amount to over two +hundred now, and he could buy almost as much for it now as he could +have got for the original hundred at the time he began to save." + + + + +STENOGRAPHERS + + +"How many stenographers have you?" + +"Two." + +"I've seen only one of them." + +"Well, I've got a worse looking one to show my wife." + + +"I met your husband today and he was telling me that he is in love +with his work." + +"Was he, indeed? I must take a look in at the office." + + + _A Long-Merited Toast_ + + I used to toast the royal queens + And queens of beauty rare; + I drained my glass to lovely lass + And to her eyes and hair; + But in these day of sober drinks + There's one whose health to me + Means vastly more than beauty or + The blood of royalty: + + Here's to my stenographer! + Long faithful to her duty. + She'd win no prize for vampish eyes; + Her freckles mar her beauty. + Here's to her! Her specs! Her brain! + I pledge her health in water! + Cool, sober, staid, a precious maid; + I love her--like a daughter! + + She keeps my creditors at bay, + Admitting only debtors; + Collects the rent when she is sent, + Or writes dry business letters; + She always puts her fingers on + The paper I require; + Sums I can't add she's always glad + To do, and doesn't tire. + + Here's to her bonny, busy hands! + They never are erratic. + I hope that they will type away + For years, nor grow rheumatic! + Here's to her modest salary! + (I'd blush if I should tell it!) + But for her grit I'd have to quit + My business--couldn't sell it. + + _--Stanley R. Hofflund_. + + +A Chicago banker dictating a letter to his stenographer. "Tell Mr. +Soandso," he ordered, "that I will meet him in Schenectady." + +"How do you spell Schenectady?" asked the stenographer. + +"S-c, S-c--er--er--er--- Tell him I'll meet him in Albany." + + +Stenographers can nod sometimes, even with the accuracy of the +dictating machine. Recently a merchant dictating into one of these +machines said: + +"The gentleman in question has sold our products in Hayti for a period +of over two years, and we have always found him satisfactory in every +detail." + +All came out all right in the transcription except one word, and +that word was the change from Hayti to Hades! And the letter, being +"dictated but not read," went! + + +"I seem to remember that girl. Who is she?" + +"She was my typewriter last year." + +"She's charming! Why did she leave you?" + +"She was too conscientious for me. One day I proposed marriage to +her, and what do you think she did? She took all that I said down in +shorthand and brought it, nicely type-written, for me to sign!" + + + + +STOCK EXCHANGE + + +AUNT JANE (at the Stock Exchange)--"With seats selling at $60,000, no +wonder they are all standing up." + + +FOOTLIGHT--"I see another seat at the Stock Exchange has been sold for +$55,000." + +Miss SUE BEETTE--"Wouldn't it be awful if the man who paid for it +found it was right behind a post!" + + + + +STRATEGY + + +WILLIE WILLIS--"Pa, what's strategy?" + +PAPA WILLIS--"Usually darn poor judgment that happens to work out all +right." + + +A young lady took down the receiver and discovered that the telephone +was in use. "I just put on a pan of beans for dinner," she heard one +woman complacently informing another. + +She hung up the receiver, and waited. Three times she waited, and +then, exasperated, she broke into the conversation. + +"Madam, I smell your beans burning," she announced crisply. A +horrified scream greeted the remark, and the young lady was able to +put in her call. + + +A lady entered a railroad-car and took a seat in front of a newly +married couple. She was hardly seated before they began making remarks +about her. + +Her last year's bonnet and coat were fully criticised with more or +less giggling on the bride's part, and there is no telling what +might have come next if the lady had not put a sudden stop to the +conversation by a bit of strategy. + +She turned her head, noticed that the bride was considerably older +than the groom, and, in the smoothest of tones, said: + +"Madam, will you please ask your son to close the window?" + +The "son" closed his mouth, and the bride no longer giggled. + + +"Fore!" shouted the golfer, ready to play. + +But the woman on the course paid no attention. + +"Fore!" he repeated, with not a bit more effect than the first time. + +"Try her with 'Three ninety-eight,'" suggested his partner. "She may +be one of those bargain-counter fiends." + + +Hans and Fritz, two small boys, had gone to the rink to skate. Hans's +overcoat hampered him and he wanted to get rid of it. The German +coat-room person does not check your coat unless you pay your fee. +The fee was only a penny, but Hans did not have the penny. He was at a +loss. + +"Huh! it's dead easy," spoke up Fritz. "Give me your overcoat. I'll +take it to the man at the checking place and say I found it. He'll +put it away. When you are ready to go home you go to him and ask if +anybody has turned a lost overcoat in to him. Then, of course, you'll +get yours." + + + + +STREET-CARS + + +A very pretty but extremely slender girl entered a street car and +managed to seat herself in a narrow space between two men. Presently a +portly colored mammy entered the car, and the pretty miss, thinking to +humiliate the men for lack of gallantry, arose. + +"Aunty," she said, with a wave of her hand toward the place she had +just vacated, "take my seat." + +"Thank you, missy," replied the colored woman, smiling broadly, "but +which gen'man's lap was you sittin' on?" + + +"Madam," said the man in the street-car, "I know I ought to get up and +give you my seat, but unfortunately I've recently joined the Sit Still +Club." + +"That's all right, sir," replied the woman. "And you must excuse +me for staring at you so hard: I am a member of the Stand and Stare +Club." + +She proved herself so active and conscientious a member that the man +began to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Finally he rose and +said: "Take my seat, madam; I guess I'll resign from my club and join +yours." + + + + +STRIKES + + +TEACHER--"Now, if I paid one man two dollars a day for seven days, +another three dollars and fifty cents for ten days, and another four +dollars and seventy-five cents for six days--" + +REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the union)--"You'd have the +durndest strike on your hands you ever saw, teacher." + + + "Everybody's striking," + Said the Old Clock on the shelf; + "It seems to be the fashion. + So I think I'll strike myself. + + "But striking is my business-- + Did you ever see such luck + I'll have to give up striking + Just to show folks that I've struck!" + + +THE LADY-"So you're really one of the strikers?" + +THE LOAFER-"Yus, lidy. I'm wot they call one o' the pioneers o' the +movement. I went on strike twenty-three years ago, lidy, and I ain't +never give in yet." + + +A strike is not a "brake on industry." It's a displaced switch. + + +THE FATHER--"But have you enough money to marry my daughter?" + +THE SUITOR--"Well, sir, at the moment I only get 300 francs a month, +but by going on strike every other month for higher wages, I shall be +getting 1,000 francs by the end of the year." + + +EMPLOYER--"There's a spirit of unrest among my men." + +VISITOR--"What about?" + +EMPLOYER--"Because they can not find any excuse to go out on a +strike."--_Judge_. + + + + +SUBSTITUTES + + +Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the street-car ticket. + + +"Neurasthenia," said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we will have +some chicken croquettes today out of that leftover pork and calves' +liver." + +"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we got a +little bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall I make some +apple sauce out'n hit, mum?" + + +A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the mother of a +young man who admired her very much. + +While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old niece +of the young man came into the room and climbed into the lap of her +uncle, of whom she seemed very fond. + +The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; but the +child hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman urged the child +to come to her, saying again: "Won't you give me a kiss?" + +The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she brightened up +and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it." + + +"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has went +and chawed up the court Bible." + +"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't +adjourn court to get a new Bible." + + +MR. NEWLYWED--"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?" + +MRS. NEWLYWED--"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I just +sewed up the buttonhole."--_Judge_. + + +TOURIST (in village notion-store)--"Whaddya got in the shape of +automobile-tires?" + +SALESLADY--"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and +doughnuts."--_Judge_. + + + + +SUBURBS + + +"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?" + +"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverish +delight of the city." + + + + +SUBWAYS + + +"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?" + +"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself in +Brooklyn." + + +FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR--"We may have to provide more seats." + +SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-Spangled +Banner' played on all cars."--_Life_. + + + + +SUCCESS + + +Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player's +batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits in +the right place and keeping the good work up--it's head work. + + + _He Must Dig_ + + He wanted a job, and, like every one else, + He wanted a good one, you know; + Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean, + And the salary must'nt be low. + He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade, + And he half turned away with a shrug. + But he altered his mind, and seizing the spade--he dug. + + He worked with a will that is bound to succeed, + And the months and the years went along. + The way it was rough and the labor was hard, + But his heart he kept filled with a song. + Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he plugged + Just as hard as he ever could plug; + Their words never seemed to disturb him a bit--as he dug. + + The day came at last when they called for the spade, + And gave him a pen in its place. + The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste, + And victory shone in his face. + We can't always get what we hope for at first-- + Success cuts many queer jigs-- + But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed--if he digs. + + --_Pleasant Hours_. + + +There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man who enters +forges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for anyone else. Not +even his own children can pass this door. Remember that the key that +will unlock your greatest opportunities must be forged by yourself. +No outside Power, no help from friends or relations can do as much for +you as you can do for yourself. + + It's doing your job the best you can + And being just to your fellowman; + It's making money, but holding friends, + And staying true to your aims and ends; + It's figuring how and learning why, + And looking forward and thinking high, + And dreaming a little and doing much; + It's always keeping in closest touch, + With what is finest in word and deed; + It's being thorough, yet making speed; + It's struggling on with a will to win, + But taking loss with a cheerful grin; + It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth + And making better this good old earth; + It's serving, striving through strain and stress, + It's doing your noblest--that's Success. + + +_Six Suggestions for Success_ + +To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater +achievement of the future. + +To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have a smile for +every living creature you meet. + +To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you will have +no time to criticize others. + +To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for fear. + +To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to the world--not +in loud words, but in great deeds. + +To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are +true to the best that is in you. + + +The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The world only +watches the successes. + +Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do things +that can be done. + +Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, will +help. + +You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over your +blunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and say of you, +"He's no good." + +Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will only let you +down lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you will get up. Think +down. Look down. Act down. And you will stay down. + +Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a success. Then +think and work for it. + +Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay. + + +In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the gun. + + + _It Couldn't Be Done_ + + Somebody said that it couldn't be done, + But he with a chuckle replied + That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one + Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried. + So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin + On his face. If he worried he hid it. + He started to sing as he tackled the thing + That couldn't be done--and he did it. + + Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that-- + At least, no one ever has done it"; + But he took off his coat, and he took off his hat, + And the first thing we knew he'd begun it. + With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, + Without any doubting or quiddit, + He started to sing as he tackled the thing + That couldn't be done--and he did it. + + There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be done, + There are thousands who prophecy failure; + There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, + The dangers that wait to assail you. + But just buckle in with a bit of a grin, + Then take off your coat and go to it. + Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing + That "cannot be done"--and you'll do it. + + --_Edgar A. Guest_. + + +A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord Fisher. + +"I once asked Lord Fisher," he said, "what he attributed his rapid +rise to. + +"'To power of initiative,' Lord Fisher answered promptly. + +"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. 'How would +you define power of initiative?" + +"'Disobeying orders,' said Lord Fisher." + + +It has been well said if you are doing anything exceptionally well, +"though you build your home in the heart of the forest the world will +make a beaten track to your door." + + + While you are flirting with success + And making plans to nab it, + Some other chap, who fusses less, + May rush right up and grab it. + + +The two keys to success are luck and pluck--luck in finding some one +to pluck.--_Life_. + + +"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my boy." + +"Are there no short cuts, father?" + +"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took the short +cuts." + + +"How is your little brother, Johnny?" + +"Sick abed. He hurt himself." + +"That's too bad. How did he do it?" + +"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he +won." + + +_See also_ Determination. + + + + +SUITORS + + +The one who brings candy and eats most of it himself. + +The nice beau with the little automobile. + +The not-so-nice one with the big automobile. + +The handsome suitor who talks about himself. + +The man who likes theaters and tea. + +The man who would make a better uncle than husband. + +The one who means well. + +The right man. + + +"My dear," said the proud father, "I can not understand your objection +to young Prudely as a suitor for your hand. I am sure that he is a +model young man." + +"There is no question about his being a model," replied the bewitching +beauty; "but, father, dear, the trouble is that he is a 1912 model." + + +HER MOTHER--"My daughter sings, plays the piano, paints, understands +botany, zoology, French, Italian--in fact is accomplished in every +way. And you, sir?" + +PROSPECTIVE SON-IN-LAW--"Well, in an emergency I suppose I could cook +a little and mend the socks." + + + + +SUMMER RESORTS + + +"We are taking in boarders this summer." + +"Have they found it out yet?" + + + + +SUNDAY + + +The solemn Sabbath air was wracked by strident cries from "de gang," +engaged in a game of one-eyed cat. Finally the good lady of the house +ventured a protest and suggestion. + +"Boys," she said, "don't you know that it is Sunday and you mustn't +play ball in the front-yard? Go in the back-yard and play, if you +must." + +"Hey, youse!" yelled the leader to his followers. "Come on in the +back-yard. It ain't Sunday there." + + + _Sunday the Thirteenth_ + + Must the new morn + Be a Blue morn? + Must we backward turn to find + The kind of day + To while away + The stalwart modern mind? + + Must the Sun day + Be the one day + When the sun is banned to all? + Must our play day + Be a gray day + Locked behind a prison wall? + + Must the rest day + Be a pest day? + Must we bore ourselves to death + By boding ill + From sitting still + To curb each merry breath? + + Must the feast day + Be the least day, + Robbed of all the things we'd seek? + Must our proud day + Be a shroud day + With rehearsals once a week? + + --_Mabel Haughton Collyer_. + + + _Keeping Calm_ + + I have my share of grief and care, + Beyond the slightest doubt; + I have enough of dreadful stuff + Each day to fret about. + So when I see prepared for me + A line of stuff like this: + "The Sabbath gang now want to hang + The man who steals a kiss! + They'd kill the joy of man and boy, + Who'd spend the Sabbath day + By motoring where song birds sing, + And put all fun away!" + I do not fret and get upset, + And let that frighten me; + Let others storm--that's one reform + That's never going to be! + + --_Edgar A. Guest_. + + +Recent clerical utterances against Sunday amusements raise the +question of whether a clergyman, with six days for outdoor recreation, +is the one best qualified to pass on a Sabbath schedule of toilers who +work from sun to sun six days a week. + + +LADY (to small boy who is fishing)--"I wonder what your father would +say if he caught you fishing on Sunday?" + +BOY--"I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a little farther +up the stream." + + +FOND MOTHER--"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to play +with your soldiers on Sunday." + +REGINALD--"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday." + + +"Helen, I really cannot permit you to read novels on the Sabbath." + +"But, grandma, this one is all right; it tells about a girl who was +engaged to three Episcopal clergymen all at once." + + +Enforcement of the blue laws would make Sunday not a day of resting +but of arresting. + + +When the New York National League ball club was playing in Boston, a +local clergyman called at the hotel where the players were stopping +one Sunday to congratulate Mathewson on his stand against playing on +the Sabbath. + +The clerk made a few mysterious inquiries and then said: "Sorry, sir, +but Mr. Mathewson is out playing golf."--_Everybody's_. + + + + +SUNDAY SCHOOLS + + +"Ef yo' had your choice, Liza, which would yo' rather do--live, or die +an' go to heaven?" + +"Ah'd rather live." + +"Why, Liza White, yo' scan'lous chile! Sunday-school hain't done yo' +no good'tall!"--_Life_. + + +JIMMIE AND BOBBIE--"Mother I don't mind going to Sunday school any +other day, but it just spoils Sunday." + + +Little Raymond returned home from Sunday school in a very joyous +mood. "Oh, mother," he exclaimed as he entered the house, "the +superintendent said something awfully nice about me in his prayer this +morning!" + +"Isn't that lovely! What did he say, pet?" questioned the mother. + +"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'" + + + + +SUPERSTITION + + +MRS. WIGGS--"Is Billy sick, Mrs. Skinner?" + +MRS. SKINNER--"Well, 'e ain't exactly sick, but no stummick can stand +thirteen buns! It's an unlucky number."-_Puck_. + + +"And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?" + +"Not I." + +"I can't understand how you can have faith in such a silly +superstition." + +"No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay day." + + + + +SURPRISE + + +"Do you think Gladys was surprised when I proposed to her?" inquired +the happy youth. + +"About as surprised," answered Miss Cayenne, "as a candidate who has +received formal notification that he has been nominated." + + +Boss entering his factory caught two of his employees shooting craps +during working hours. "Oh! what is the matter with you?" + +"Well boss, I can't help it, you see you got rubber heels." + + + + +SYMPATHY + + +BEGGAR--"I haven't tasted food for a month." + +DYSPEPTIC--"You ain't missing much. It's the same old taste." + + +Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor +noticed a man who he thought was asleep. + +"Wake up!" shouted the conductor. + +"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger. + +"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?" + +"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the +passenger. "I hate to see the women standing." + + + + +SYNONYMS + + +TEACHER--"Hawkins, what is a synonym?" + +HAWKINS--"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another when +you cannot spell the other one." + + + + +TACT + + +"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband. + +"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the young wife's +mother, in a private interview. + +"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say so." + + +Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the freezer. +One day when his mother returned home she was agreeably surprized to +find him working away at the crank as tho his life depended on it. +"I don't see how you got him to turn the freezer," she said to her +husband; "I offered him a dime to do it." + +"You didn't go at it in the right way, my dear," replied the husband. +"I bet him a nickel he couldn't turn it for half an hour." + + +MRS. X.--"Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you? Why don't you +try my plan?" + +MRS. Y.--"What is your plan?" + +MRS. X.--"Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and gloves before +I press the button. If it proves to be some one I don't want to see, I +simply say 'So sorry, but I'm just going out.'" + +MRS. Y.--"But suppose it's some one you want to see?" + +MRS. X.--"Oh, then I say, 'So fortunate, I've just come in.'" + + +WIFE--"But, my dear, you've forgotten again that today is my +birthday." + +HUSBAND--"Er--listen, love. I know I forgot it, but there isn't a +thing about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a +year ago." + + +Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of an +acquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given. When the +dessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and given +a place next to her mother at the table. + +The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in relating some +interesting incidents, quite forgot to give little Charlotte anything +to eat. + +After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no longer. With +the sobs rising in her throat, she held up her plate as high as she +could and said: + +"Does anybody want a clean plate?" + + +A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop and, placing a +much-battered gold watch on the counter, said, "I want this 'ere +mended." + +After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm afraid, sir, the cost +of repairing will be double what you gave for it." + +"I don't mind that," said the soldier. "Will you mend it?" + +"Yes," said the jeweler, "at the price." + +"Well," remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a German a punch on the nose +for it, and I'm quite ready to give you two if you'll mend it." + + +An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also a +professor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how she would +address the great man. + +"Shall I call you 'doctor' or 'professor'?" she asked. + +"Oh! just as you wish," was the reply; "as a matter of fact, some +people call me an old idiot." + +"Indeed," she said, sweetly, "but then, they are people that know +you." + + +The hostess had trouble in getting Mr. Harper to sing. After the song +had been given, she came up with a smiling face to her guest, and made +the ambiguous remark: + +"Now, Mr. Harper, you must never tell me again that you can not +sing--I know now!" + + +THE HOST--"It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to dinner." + +THE GUEST--"Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad enough for that." + + + + +TALKERS + + + Words are like leaves, and where they most abound, + Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found. + + --_Pope_. + +"I have just heard of a woman who went to a hotel unaccompanied and +discovered that the acoustic properties of her room were such that +every time she spoke aloud there was an echo. She then made a bold +attempt to get in a last word, and in so doing talked herself to +death." + + +"A whole lot o' de talk dat goes 'round," said Uncle Eben, "ain' no +mo' real help in movin' forward dan de squeak in an axle." + + +The school-teacher had punished Tommy so often for talking during +school hours, and the punishment had been apparently without effect, +that, as a last resort, she decided to notify Tommy's father of his +son's fault. So, following the deportment word in his next report were +these words, "Tommy talks a great deal." + +In due time the report was returned with these words after the +father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother." + + + _Just Suppose_ + + If all that we say + In a single day, + With never a word left out, + Were printed each night + In clear black and white, + 'Twould prove queer reading, no doubt. + + And then just suppose + Ere one's eyes he could close. + He must read the day's record through, + Then wouldn't one sigh, + And wouldn't he try + A great deal less talking to do? + + And I more than half think + That many a kink + Would be smoother in life's tangled thread, + If one-half that we say + In a single day + Were left forever unsaid. + + +Mrs. Jenkins, a regular visitor in the doctor's consulting room, +started on the long story of her troubles. The doctor endured it +patiently and gave her another bottle. At last she started out, and +the doctor was congratulating himself, when she stopped and exclaimed: +"Why, doctor, you didn't look to see if my tongue was coated." + +"I know it isn't," wearily replied the medical man. "You don't find +grass on a race track." + + +Another one of our patrons finds her husband a trifle too studious. +She called for a volume of Blackstone he had ordered and when she saw +the ominous size of the volume sighed deeply, "That means I'll have to +go out nights. He says I talk too much!" + + +_See also_ Wives; Woman. + + + + +TARDINESS + + +MR. PECK--"Would you mind compelling me to move on, officer? I've been +waiting on this corner three hours for my wife!"--_Puck_. + + +"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" +demanded the boss angrily. + +"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one, "you kept telling +me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't +watch it at home either." + + +"This is the fourth morning you've been late, Rufus," said the man to +his colored chauffeur. + +"Yes, sah," replied Rufus. "I did oversleep myself, sah." + +"Where is that clock I gave you?" + +"In my room, sah." + +"Don't you wind it up?" + +"Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah." + +"And do you set the alarm?" + +"Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah." + +"But don't you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?" + +"No, sah, dere's de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing goes off +while I'm asleep, sah." + + +Professor Copeland, of Harvard, as the story goes, reproved his +students for coming late to class. + +"This is a class in English composition," he remarked with sarcasm, +"not an afternoon tea." + +At the next meeting one girl was twenty minutes late. Professor +Copeland waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarked +bitingly: + +"How will you have your tea, Miss Brown?" + +"Without the lemon, please," Miss Brown answered quite gently. + + + + +TAX + + +The most successful statesman is going to be the statesman who can +devise a tax nobody will be able to detect. + + +MACPHERSON (at the box office)--"Will ye kindly return me the amount I +paid for amusement tax?" + +CLERK--"Why, sir?" + +MACPHERSON--"We wasna amused." + + +The man who ran the elevator of the sky-scraper was talking to a +passenger. + +"The judge certainly did soak him," he said. "He sentenced him to +three years and ten days. Now I understand the three years all right; +but what the ten days were for I'd like to know?" + +"That was the war-tax," said a quiet citizen who got abroad at the +tenth floor. + + +MRS. CASEY--"An' phwat are yez doin' wid thot incoom-tax paper, +Casey?" + +CASEY--"Oi'm thryin' to figger out how much money Oi save by not +havin' anny."--_Life_. + + +The Tax? No wonder Men abhor it! + +You raise a Crop, they fine you for it! + + + + +TEACHERS + + +FATHER (meaningly)--"Who is the laziest member of your class, Tommy?" + +TOMMY--"I don't know, pa." + +FATHER--"I should think you should know. When all the others are +industriously studying or writing their lessons, who is it sits idly +in his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself?" + +TOMMY--"The teacher." + + +The Literary Digest offers each week a prize of fifty dollars for the +best argument in compact form for better salaries for teachers. The +editor of The Reporter humbly submits to the editor of The Digest this +bit of pathos: + +"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?" + +"Flat. I'm a teacher." + + +The kindergarten had been studying the wind all week--its power, +effects, etc.--until the subject had been pretty well exhausted. To +stimulate interest, the kindergartner said, in her most enthusiastic +manner: "Children, as I came to school today in the trolley-car, the +door opened and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek. +What do you think it was?" + +And the children joyfully answered, "The conductor!"--_Harper's_. + + +"We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty years +ago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty thousand +dollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, conscientious +effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left +her an estate valued at $49,999.50." + + +"Pa," inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, "is it true +that school-teachers get paid?" + +"Certainly it is," said the father. + +"Well, then," said the youth indignantly, "that ain't right. Why +should the teachers get paid when us kids do all the work?" + + +While the school teacher was away at the annual meeting of the state +association she sent all of her little pupils a postcard greeting. +Little Edgar replied in kind and on his card wrote: "I hope you are +enjoying our vacation." + + +_See also_ Fords. + + + + +TEACHING + + +About the most hopeful element in any human being's character I should +reckon to be teachableness. + +Wherever you meet a man who knows--and knows he knows--and wards off +any proof of reasoning of yours with the impenetrable shield of a +superior smile or the dull hostility of a determined eye, you feel +that between you and him there can be no real dealings. + +The wisest minds I find are the most teachable. The wider one's +experience, the more thorough his study, the braver his heart, and the +stronger his intelligence, the more willing he is to hear what you or +any man may have to offer. + +Stubbornness is usually the instinctive self-defense of conscious +weakness. When one can do nothing else to show his strength he +imitates the mule--the most despised of animals. + +Spinoza's maxim was that the two great banes of humanity are +self-conceit and the laziness coming from self-conceit.--_Dr. Frank +Crane_. + + + + +TEARS + + +_See_ Woman. + + + + +TELEGRAPH + + +"Why did you strike the telegraph operator?" asked the magistrate of +the man who was summoned for assault. + +"Well, sir, I gives him a telegram to send to my gal, and he starts +readin' it. So, of course, I ups and gives him one." + + +"Pap," said the colored youth, "Ah'd like you to expatiate on de way +dat de telegraph works." + +"Dat's easy 'nuf, Rastus," said the old man. "Hit am like dis. Ef dere +was a dawg big 'nuf so his head could be in Bosting an' his tail +in New Yo'k, den ef you tromp on his tail in New Yo'k he'd bark in +Bosting. Understan', Rastus?" + +"Yes, pap! But how am de wireless telegraph?" + +For a moment the old man was stumped. Then he answered easily: "Jess +prezactly de same, Rastus, wid de exception dat de dawg am 'maginary." + + +An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of their +respective countries. + +"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "they tore down an auld castle in Scotland and +found many wires under it, which shows that the telegraph was knoon +there hoondreds o' years ago." + +"Well," said Pat, "they tore down an ould castle in Oireland, and +there was no wires found undher it, which shows that they knew all +about wireless telegraphy in Oireland hundreds av years ago." + + +Soon after the instalment of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, +Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of +newspaper that had blown up on one of the telegraph wires and caught +there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he +cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all +the news out!" + + + + +TELEPHONE + + +The editor of The Japan Times says the telephone service in Japan +is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he lived +in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils." He +concludes with the following incident: "A lady in Karuiwaza called up +her house in Tokyo, left by the next train, got the call, and talked +to herself in Karuiwaza six hours after she arrived in Tokyo." + + +A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation between her +Cape girl and the one next door: + +"How are you, Katje?" + +"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery plumbing, +elastic lights and a hoosit." + +"What's a 'hoosit,' Katje?" + +"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say 'Hello,' and +then some one says 'Hello,' and you say 'Hoosit.'" + + +"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone for +the first time in eighty-three years." + +"She must be on a party line." + + +The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten minutes: + +"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?" + + +EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)--"Hello? Who is this? Who is this, I +say?" + +MAN AT OTHER END--"Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell me yourself +who you are." + + +"I believe," said the impatient man, as he put aside the telephone, +"that I'll go fishing." + +"Didn't know you cared for fishing." + +"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of finding myself +at the end of a line that isn't busy." + + +"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised between +his thumb and forefinger. + +"No," answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. I was." + + +"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over the wire. + +"McCohan," the customer answered. + +"I beg pardon?" asked the girl. + +The man repeated it. + +The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait a moment, +please. I think the wires are crossed." + + +"I once knew an eccentric man," stated old Festus Pester, "who when he +had got the desired number on the telephone did not demand fiercely, +'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said civilly, 'This is John J. +Poppendick, wishing to speak to Mr. Buckover.' His funeral was the +largest ever held in the neighborhood where he had resided, and +thereat strong men broke down and wept like children, being convinced +that they would never again see his like."--_Judge_. + + +Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box +he called a wrong number. As there was no such number, the +switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received +no answer. + +The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a +little louder, which he did, but still no answer. + +Again she said he would have to speak louder. + +Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said: + +"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin' +ould telephone at all!" + + +_See also_ Strategy. + + + + +TEMPER + + +Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, when her +grown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she hoped the child +would be a better girl tomorrow, and not make everybody unhappy with +her naughty temper. + +Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, and then +said, wisely: + +"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's nerves." + + + + +TEMPERANCE + + +THE MAN (to a New York waiter)--"--and a glass of good beer!" + +THE WAITER--"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance beverages." + +THE MAN--"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island." + +THE WAITER--"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act of +Providence." + + +A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of all +intoxicants. + +"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world was +at the bottom of the ocean," he said. + +Hastily Pat arose to his feet. + +"Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. "I wish every bit of it was at +the bottom of the sea." + +As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered Pat. + +"I certainly am proud of you," he said. "It was a brave thing for you +to rise and say what you did. Are you a teetotaler?" + +"No, indade, sor," answered Pat. "I'm a diver." + + +Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet was +discussing a drink cure of little efficacy. + +"When I think of this cure." he said "I recall a poor old man with a +red nose, who entered a magistrate's office and said: + +"I'd like to take the pledge if you please." + +"Very good," said the polite clerk, "and how long did you wish to take +it for?" + +"In the past," said the old man, "I've always took it for life." + + + + +TEMPTATION + + +Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to be +led into. + + + + +TEN COMMANDMENTS + + +The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have they gone +in search of the Fourteen Points? + + + + +THEATER + + +Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes: + +Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where eggs were +being served, and a child sitting in a box made manifest his interest +in the food. Stepping down to the footlights she tendered the +youngster an egg, but his mother drew back her child with a sign of +annoyance. + +"You should let the young man take it," said Miss Bayes, quietly. "It +is unique for eggs to be passed from this side of the footlights." + + +A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little man +behind him could not see at all. + +"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man plaintively, +touching the big man on the shoulder. + +"Can't see anything, hey?" + +"No, sir, I can't see a thing." + +"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh when +I do." + + +A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one evening +at the theater. + +"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to remove +your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you." + +The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Do +you mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked. + +"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected her. + +The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easier +and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove him!" + + +A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, asking +if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because, +though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the idea +of being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is no +door into my theater through which God can not see." + + +AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)--"I want to hear at least one of your +famous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors." + +NEPHEW (to office boy)--"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville +and movies."--_Life_. + + + + +THERMOMETER + + +Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old Cornelius +Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the +thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard. + +"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked. + +"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and +outside," the son answered. + +"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin' +up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn +thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for another +thermometer." + + + + +THIEVES + + +He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large. +He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the +greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the +tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer +thought it time to intervene. + +"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?" + +"Nothin'," replied the small boy. + +"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as though +you are trying to steal those apples." + +"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to." + + +A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the +apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to +work. + +"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is locked +up at once!" + +The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vest +in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice. + +"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems that +this house isn't safe."--_Harper's_. + + +In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever +and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his +pockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, +listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among the +articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable +as money. + +At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the +dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden: + +"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?" + +"Why?" asked the warden. + +"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner explained. "You +know, it's the first dollar I ever stole." + + +_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers. + + + + +THRIFT + + +Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Often +he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told his +wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave +the office or not. + +Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was +her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be home +for dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings at +that hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner. +I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back." + + +Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art. + + +Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was +driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a +booth where fresh popcorn was for sale. + +"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl. + +"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner. + +"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl. + +"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a +little closer so you can get a better smell." + + +BUTTONS--"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!" + +SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay +for the bed." + + +SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is working +now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does +he put away every Saturday night, my dear?" + +LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!" + + +HE--"I am a poor man, you know." + +SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear." + +HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw +materials?" + + +See also Economy; Scotch, The. + + + + +TIDES + + +The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, +dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but +during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside. + +This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally +confided his problem to a C.P.O. + +"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New +York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the +Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the +Brooklyn side the next." + + + + +TIME + + + _Time's Prisoner_ + + I am content with Now, whate'er befall, + Whether I will or no, Today is all; + No matter whether swift or slow my tread + I find tomorrow still a day ahead; + I cannot overtake eternity-- + It turns to time and slips away from me, + And in like wise I go upon my way + Only a day ahead of yesterday! + + --_Harry Kemp_. + + +One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached +him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain't +very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin' +you three hours and you ain't had a bite." + +"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, to +waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' a +bite." + + +Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to +get it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, and +found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick. +One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike. + +The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat up +in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It's +later than I've ever knowed it to be." + + +PROF (in geology)--"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years." + +SOPH--"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!" + + +"Paw, what's the longest period of time?" + +"From one pay-day to the next." + + +CALLER--"Is your mother at home, Elsie?" + +CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER--"Goodness, no! She won't be at home +today until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home yesterday +yet."--_Life_. + + +FIRST LOAFER--"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on strike." + +SECOND LOAFER--"Wat 'ave they struck for?" + +FIRST LOAFER--"Shorter hours." + +SECOND LOAFER--"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was too long for an +hour." + + +"Time is precious," said the parson. + +"It is, indeed," rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted an awful +lot of it." + +"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested the good +man. + +"Not exactly," replied the other. "I wasted most of it by being +punctual in keeping my appointments with others." + + +_See also_ Daylight saving. + + + + +TIPS + + +The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In +thanking him she said: + +"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden." + +"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the apples in +the Garden of Eden." + + +Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to the +desire to have luncheon served in time for dinner. + + +LUNCHER--"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've only just +sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tip +for you." + +WAITER (confidently)--"Would you mind just letting me 'ave another +look at the bill, sir?" + + +He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusual +phenomenon he had noted. + +"Why is it, Sam," he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor men +usually give larger tips than rich men?" + +"Well, suh," rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkins +meditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want nobody to find +out he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody to find out he's rich." + + +"What's the difference between valor and discretion?" + +"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be +valor." + +"I see. And discretion?" + +"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day." + + + + +TOURISTS _See_ Travelers. + + + + +TRADE + + +When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beat +their competitors into foreign markets. + + + + +TRADE MARKS + + +Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are trademarks. + + + + +TRADE UNIONS + + +TEACHER--"If a man gets four dollars for working eight hours a day, +what would he get if he worked ten hours a day?" + +JOHNNY--"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de union." + + +"What are you doin' of, James?" + +"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil." + +"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a carpenter's job," + + + + +TRAMPS + + +TRAMP--"Madam, I was at the front--" + +KIND-HEARTED LADY--"My poor man. Another victim of that terrible war. +Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these straits." + +TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' nobody +answered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, mum." + + +MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)--"Out of work, are you? Then you're just in +time. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was just going to send +for a man to do it." + +TRAMP--"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and get him." + + +BOXCAR HARRY--"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to have some pie +or cake that you could spare an unfortunate wanderer?" + +LADY OF THE HOUSE--"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some bread and butter +do?" + +BOXCAR HARRY--"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, you see, this +is my birthday." + + + + +TRAVELERS + + +A party of tourists were going through a small town, having the time +of their lives, laughing and joking. One of them thought she would +have some fun, and called to a little girl standing near, "Are there +any shows in town?" To which the little girl answered, "Only the one +you people are making." + + +The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels. + +Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending an +afternoon tea given in her honor. + +"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess. + +"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, my +husband always bought the tickets." + + +_See also_ Americans; Destination. + + + + +TREES + + + I think that I shall never see + A poem lovely as a tree. + + A tree whose hungry mouth is prest + Against the earth's most flowing breast. + + A tree that looks at God all day + And lifts her leafy arms to pray; + + A tree that may in summer wear + A nest of robins in her hair; + + Upon whose bosom snow has lain; + Who intimately lives with rain. + + Poems are made by fools like me, + But only God can make a tree. + + --_Joyce Kilmer_. + + + + +TRENCHES + + +CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are +like)--"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets +drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands still +yer gets court-martialed for frost-bite."--_Punch_. + + + + +TROUBLE + + +The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to dwell upon +her troubles, telling her she would feel happier if she ignored them. +"Well, honey," said the old lady, "I dunno 'bout dat. I allus 'lowed +when de Lord send me tribulation he done spec' me to tribulate." + + + + +TRUTH + + +Many truths expressed are never claimed at their destination. + + +Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly back and +sting you. + + +FIRST STUDENT (wearily)--"I suppose I'll be up all night tonight; I +have to make out my expense account." + +SECOND (more hopefully)--"Why don't you tell the truth and get a good +night's rest?" + + +The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the matter +was up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, was a witness. + +"Now, uncle," said the lawyer, "tell me just what conversation +occurred." + +"I kain't jes' remember it all," replied the candid Wash, "excep' dat +each one was callin' de other what dey is." + + +"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful person. + +"Yes," replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go with a crutch +for some time after." + + + + +UMBRELLAS + + +"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella that +has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith. + +"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it." + + +FIRST ARTIST--"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend." + +SECOND ARTIST--"That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friend +tells him that the owner wants it." + + +"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" "Because +father hasn't been to church this year."--_Puck_. + + +"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I have +entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life." + +The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal his +emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressive +silence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against the +window. + +"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella! +May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?" + +"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with my +umbrella!" + + + + +UNEXPECTED + + +"It is the unexpected that always happens," observed the Sage. + +"Well," commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we learn to +expect it?" + + + + +UNITED STATES + + +After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said to +Amley: + +"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain't +it?" + +"Yes," said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have to move my +desk." + + + + +VACATIONS + + +Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by +an off day. + + +A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something +you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very +long without being dead broke and dead tired. + + +JUDGE--"Six months!" + +COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about where +I'm going ter spend de summer." + + + + +VALUE + + + There, little dollar, don't you cry; + You _may_ buy something by and by. + + +A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A +stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you +take for your cow?" + +The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look +a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the +railroad?" + + +CALLER--"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as +you are doing." + +HOST--"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now he +demands a quarter." + + +FOOTPAD--"Your money or your life!" + +MRS. TIGHTLY--"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50 +cents." + + + + +VANITY + + +Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but +she had one fault--she was inclined to be vain. At every available +opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass. +Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took +upon himself the duty of correcting it. + +"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked. + +"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl. + +"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature made +us." + +"Did nature make you, papa?" + +"Yes." + +"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the +mirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than she +used to?" + + + + +VEGETARIANS + + +"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?" + +"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our +dog isn't.'" + + +Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an English +bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a +vegetarian." + + +Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was a +worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy," she +said; "I'se a vegetarian." + + + + +VENTILATION + + +American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of +Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody +used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never +been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a +Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind +came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean +off the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand +and gravel out of his whiskers and said: + +"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!" + + +The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and said +meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady." The lady, +digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not a +single ventilator open in the whole car!" + + + + +VOICE + + +Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.--_Talleyrand_. + + + + +VOTING + + +PAT--"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!" + +MIKE--"Would ye trust such a party as thot?" + +PAT--"They didn't ask me to--they paid me cash." + + +In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recent +election the local option question was up. After the election the +clerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another taking +down the option votes. The first clerk, running rapidly through the +ballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!" +he cried. "Dry!" Then he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Presently +he stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "The +son-of-a-gun repeated." + + +DORA-"How did you vote?" + +FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque." + + +"I do hope that when I am able to vote," said the pretty young wife, +"I will be as influential in politics as my husband." + +"How is that?" asked her friend. + +"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both times his +choice was elected." + + + + +WAGES + + + The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon," + Are very few, it seems to me; + I count you over, every dime apart, + MY SALARY. My salary! + + Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk." + To earn them is an awful grind; + I count each dime unto the end, and there-- + A "dun" I find. + + Oh toil, that is so poorly paid! + Oh salary, spent before we greet! + I kiss each dime, and try to find a way + To make ends meet-- + Ye gods! To make ends meet! + + --_Anne Alfreda Mellish_. + + +Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents." Some +one remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case. + + +A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning, +discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he needed +one urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happened +to have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant called +him, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmy +handed over his "pigsticker." + +"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to have +a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy with +undisguised admiration. + +"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are so +low that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants." + + +FIRST LABORING MAN--"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?" + +SECOND DITTO--"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter +make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."_--Punch_. + + +The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer +paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up. + +"Money,"' he replied. + +"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?" + +"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations. + + + + +WAR + + +Some nations were fighting fiercely. + +"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length to +curiosity. + +"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally. + +Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of the +combatants and limped lamely away. + +"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get to +the bottom of the matter. + +"Don't speak to me--I'm civilization!" the figure made answer, +somewhat pettishly. + + +"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?" + +"Well, all I can say is--them what finds it is quite welcome to keep +it." + + +If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan. + + +The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denying +that it is round. + + +VISITOR--"It's a terrible war, this, young man--a terrible war." + +MIKE (badly wounded)--"'Tis that, sor--a tirrible warr. But 'tis +better than no warr at all."_--Punch_. + + +_See also_ European War. + + + + +WEALTH + + +BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich." + +JONES--"How so?" + +BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the +water." + + + + +WEATHER + + +A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one +winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather +today out there?" + +"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired. + +An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did +you say sun was or was not shining?" + +And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to +beat the band now." + +And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?" + +To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the +snow away again." + + + _Indian Summer_ + + November days are here again + With chilly eve and morn-- + Dame Nature's voice in warning raised + That Winter's blasts are born. + + But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads + And Earth to sleep beguiles, + Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face, + Looks back at us and smiles. + + +One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pushing a +barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, +shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus: + +"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?" + + +"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?" + +"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'." + + + What is it moulds the life of man? + The Weather! + What makes some black and others tan? + The Weather! + What makes the Zulu live in trees, + And Congo natives dress in leaves, + While others go in fur and freeze? + The Weather! + + What makes the summer warm and fair? + The Weather! + What causes winter underwear? + The Weather! + What makes us rush and build a fire, + And shiver near the glowing pyre-- + And then on other days perspire? + The Weather! + + What makes the Cost of Living high? + The Weather! + What makes the Libyan Desert dry? + The Weather! + What is it men in ev'ry clime, + Will talk about till end of time? + What drove our honest pen to rhyme? + The Weather! + + +Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for +three days. + + + I remember, I remember, + Ere my childhood flitted by, + It was cold then in December, + And was warmer in July. + In the winter there were freezings-- + In the summer there were thaws; + But the weather isn't now at all + Like what it used to was! + + + + +WEDDINGS + + +Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between +stations. + +"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking +individual of the conductor. + +"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express +knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the +track is clear!" + +"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned +the passenger. + +The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously. + +"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled +the cord?" + + +Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for +several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a +vacation. + +"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't +need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke." + +"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda +like to be there." + + + + +WELSH + + +Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of +possessing a new twist at the end. + +A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided +among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was +conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the +testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman +placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number +of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his +contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's +fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, +pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with +the remark, "That's easier." + +A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was +surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed. + +The undertaker was a Welshman. + + + + +WESTMINSTER ABBEY + + +It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different +impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been +staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she +had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat +down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries." + + + + +WHISKY + + +A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of +whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed: + +"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?" + +"The whisky, of course," the publican replied. + +"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by." + + +_See also_ Drinking. + + + + +WIDOWS + + +"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, +"become a widow." This of course, may be all right, but few husbands +can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of +thing.--_Punch_. + + +Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging +his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled her +claim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled her +with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought +after woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not +marry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her +sobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad +man." + + + + +WINDOWS + + +Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single window +may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars, +small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control our +destiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there would +be no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or the +wind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there be +melodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were +no sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the +window? What poems have been written by just looking through a window; +and as for literature in general, who does not remember the window +in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is the +windows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in the +morning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginning +of civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is of +a dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any community +can almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept +open at night. + +Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best seller +would be worth the price of admission. + + + + +WISDOM + + +"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?" + +"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, been +chairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother." + + + True wisdom laboring to expound, + Heareth others readily; + Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth + Up her mind to argument. + + --_Tupper_. + + + + +WISHES + + +MABEL--"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plush +upholstering and all the modern appliances." + +ALICE--"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?" + +"No." + +"Well, why not?" + +"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?" + + +HE--"But, Alice, you don't want that!" + +SHE--"How will I know until I get it?" + + + + +WITNESSES + + +The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and +lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was +cross-examining the defendant. + +"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length. + +For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cry +flows," came the answer. + +"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law. + +The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he means 'as the +fly crows.'" + +And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong +somewhere. + + +A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that when +this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain +on this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough to +tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it +was you were going home to." + +"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman. + +"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, sternly and +impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth." + +"Well, then, it was just oatmeal." + + +A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, long +trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and a +swallow-tail coat that swept the floor. + +"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed and +amused. + +The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to the +words: "To appear in his father's suit." + + +The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness. +Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men on +the jury. + +"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of them." + +"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?" +demanded the lawyer. + +"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more than +all of them put together." + + +"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a not +over-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand. + +"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf." + +"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell the +truth?" + +"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win +de case, sah." + + +PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?" + +JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing when +Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness." + +"Where is Tough Jim?" + +"He is out on bail." + + + + +WIVES + + +"Are you the captain of your soul?" + +"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously. + + + "Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life, + There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake. + It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife." + "Why, so it is, father,--whose wife shall I take?" + + --_Thomas Moore_. + + +The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to +mend his clothes. + +"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't +touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a +patriarch. + +"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been +married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable +suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and +flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?' + +"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are +aroused at once. + +"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few +more flourishes. + +"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to +me at once.' + +"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it. + +"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it." + + +"Why are you so pensive?" he asked. + +"I'm not pensive," she replied. + +"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes." + +"Well, I didn't have anything to say." + +"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?" + +"No." + +"Will you be my wife?" + + +"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?" + +"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."--_Life_. + + +MRS. KNAGG--"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?" + +HUSBAND--"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a +rest." + + +"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much +regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone--completely gone." + +"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving +me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years." + + +A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of +you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one +man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently you +are not afraid of your wife." The man responded: "She gave me such a +beating this morning that I was too lame to stand up." + + +A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener: + +"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and +all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener +that ever lived had a wife." + +"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he didna keep +his job long after he gat the wife." + + +CREWE--"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my +wife. She's gone out without an umbrella." + +DREW--"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop." + +CREWE--"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious." + + +Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one +morning. + +"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond +ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere." + +"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my +trousers pocket." + + + _And Then Some_ + + MAN expects his wife to be: + Perpetuator of the Race. + Domestic Science Expert. + Trained Kindergartner. + Social Diplomat. + Purchasing Agent. + Superintendent of Operating. + Accountant. + Social Secretary. + General Counsel. + Manager Lost and Found Department. + Advertising Agent. + Intelligence Bureau. + Family Statistician. + Mistress of the Exchequer. + Playground Supervisor. + Judge of Juvenile Court. + Valet. + Nurse. + Employer of Labor. + Artist in the Art of Living. + WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere. + + +MRS. A.--"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?" + +MRS. B.--"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner or +asking for a new dress." + + +There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously: + +An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action +against her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of +the ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was her +recital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usual +professional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute of +the worst type," he exclaimed. + +The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced: +"Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to +a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!" + +_See also_ Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman + + + + +WOMAN + + +The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changes +the plans so frequently that the job is never finished. + + + _If They Meant All They Said_ + + Charm is a woman's strongest arm; + My charwoman is full of charm; + I chose her, not for strength of arm + But for her strange, elusive charm. + + And how tears heighten woman's powers! + My typist weeps for hours and hours: + I took her for her weeping powers-- + They so delight my business hours. + + A woman lives by intuition. + Though my accountant shuns addition + She has the rarest intuition. + (And I myself can do addition.) + + Timidity in girls is nice. + My cook is so afraid of mice. + Now you'll admit it's very nice + To feel your cook's afraid of mice. + + --_A.D. Miller_. + + +"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly and +dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat says +unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'." + + +"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women." + +"What an immense experience with them he must have had." + + +"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?" + +"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear the +speeches first." + + +A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basket +beside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks, +when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me," +he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want to +find!" + + +"Hello! Is this a party wire?" + +"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire." + + +A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with the +responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library the +other day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly, +standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said: + +"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I begin?" + + +"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said +Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of +astonishment he replied: + +"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?" + + +A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau, +when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will--" + +"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau--"bet on anything that she +will do. You can never tell what a woman will do." + +"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. I +was going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected." + +"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that is +not a safe bet." + + +The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so many +women in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word you +can hear. + + + When lovely woman wants a favor, + And finds, too late, that man won't bend, + What earthly circumstance can save her + From disappointment in the end? + + The only way to bring him over, + The last experiment to try, + Whether a husband or a lover, + If he have feeling is--to cry. + + --_Poebe Cary_. + + +During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public +meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelled +to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man was +overheard muttering: + +"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit. +I have lived to see four great things come to pass--the end of +the war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the women +muzzled."--_Judge_. + + +A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in Bar +Harbor: + +"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive who +wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent." + +"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupid +while so few are blind." + + +HE--"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to make +up her mind." + +SHE (the hated rival)--"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?" + + +Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she is +exerting an influence. + +The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed, +"But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?" + +His strong-minded fiancee looked sternly at him for a moment and +replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"--_Judge_. + + +ONE--"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own." + +THE OTHER--"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?" + + +Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father," said +he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?" + +"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," returned +father. + + +During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heated +argument over that old theme, "Man _versus_ Woman." + +"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "women +are more finicky than men." + +"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of +domestic science. + +"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to +find it." + +"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came back +quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10 +trying to win it back." + + +_Woman_--A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, and +forces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures. + + +_See also_ Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Woman +suffrage; Worry. + + + + +WOMAN SUFFRAGE + + +"It seems so silly to me," she said scornfully, as she threw down the +newspaper after a casual glance at the headlines. + +"What seems silly?" + +"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There can't but +one be elected, can there?" + +"Of course not." + +"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why doesn't just the +man who is going to be elected be a candidate, and all the rest go on +about their business, as all this talk and running around isn't going +to do them any good after all?" + + +"That young politician is paying you marked attention, girlie." + +"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish troubles." + +"Eh, what?" + +"Is he after me or my vote?" + + +WARD HEELER--"Are women trying to reform politics?" + +DISTRICT LEADER--"Reform nothing! They've started in to grab the +jobs." + + +FIRST LADY--"Did you vote with all those vile people?" + +SECOND LADY--"I certainly did. I was curious to know how it felt." + + +"Wimmin voters this year." + +"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like little +girls." + +"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on the head." + + +"Well, Maria," said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for whom did you +vote this morning?" + +"I crossed off the names of all the candidates," returned Mrs. +Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my ballot. +This is no time to consider individuals and their little personal +ambitions." + + +There are compensations in all things. When women get the suffrage +they won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of losing their +votes.--_Puck_. + + +"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" inquired the +judge. + +"Failure to support." + +"But you live in apparent luxury." + +"He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted." + + +"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a thing of the +past, thanks to woman suffrage." + +"What do you have reference to?" + +"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a woman's ballot +twenty-four hours before election?" + + + + +WOMAN'S RIGHTS + + +_Why We Oppose Pockets For Women_ + +1. Because pockets are not a natural right. + +2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they +did, they would have them. + +3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them. + +4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it is without +the additional burden of pockets. + +5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to +whose pockets were to be filled. + +6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if he did not +have to carry all her things in his pockets. + +7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in the +face of nature. + +8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, +whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reason +to suppose that women would use them more wisely. + + + + +WORK + + + Oh, would that working I might shun, + From labour my connection sever, + That I might do a bit or none + Whatever! + + That I might wander over hills, + Establish friendship with a daisy, + O'er pretty things like daffodils + Go crazy! + + That I might at the heavens gaze, + Concern myself with nothing weighty, + Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days-- + Or eighty. + + Why can't I cease a slave to be, + And taste existence beatific + On some fair island hid in the + Pacific? + + Instead of sitting at a desk + 'Mid undone labours, grimly lurking-- + Oh, say, what is there picturesque + In working? + + But no!--to loaf were misery!-- + I love to work! Hang isles of coral! + (To end this otherwise would be Immoral!) + + --_Thomas R. Ybarra_. + + +Labor is man's great function, He is nothing, he can do nothing, he +can achieve nothing, fulfill nothing without working.--_Dewey_. + + +If you are poor--work. If you are rich--continue to work. If you are +burdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities--work. If you are +happy--keep right on working. Idleness gives room for doubts and +fears. If disappointments come--work. If sorrow overwhelms you and +loved ones seem not true--work. If health is threatened--work. When +faith falters and reason fails--just work. When dreams are shattered +and hope seems dead--work. Work as if your life were in peril. It +really is. No matter what ails you--work. Work faithfully--work with +faith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental and +physical afflictions.--_Korsaren_. + + +I believe in the stuff I am handing out, in the firm I am working for; +and in my ability to get results. I believe that honest stuff can be +passed out to honest men by honest methods. I believe in working, not +weeping; in boosting not knocking; and in the pleasure of my job. I +believe that a man gets what he goes after, that one deed done today +is worth two deeds tomorrow, and that no man is down and out until he +has lost faith in himself. I believe in today and the work I am doing, +in tomorrow and the work I hope to do, and in the sure reward which +the future holds. I believe in courtesy, in kindness, in generosity, +in good cheer, in friendship and in honest competition. I believe +there is something doing, somewhere for every man ready to do it. I +believe I'm ready--RIGHT NOW!--_Elbert Hubbard_. + + + I ask no odds of any man, + I am not one that follies sway, + I am the source of my rewards, + I do my work each day. + + It matters not if rich or poor, + This is the future's great command, + Who does not work shall cease to eat; + Upon this rock I stand. + + The fruit of trees, the grain of fields, + Wherever use and beauty lurk-- + The good of all the world belongs + To him who does the work. + + --_Max Ehrtnan_. + + + Are you trying to climb where the chosen are, + Where the feet of men are few? + Do you long for "a job that is worth one's while?" + Well here's a thought for you: + + The pots of gold at the rainbow's end + Are sought by the teeming mob, + But the fairies who guard them choose as friend + The man that loves his job. + + No matter what grip of hand he has-- + How poor or strong his brain, + There's always a place for the man who loves + His work with might and main. + + Does he dig in a ditch, or blaze a trail, + Where the dreams of men may run? + No clod of earth shall shoulder him + From his place out in the sun. + + It isn't the kick, It's not the pull, + That brings the strong man out; + But it's long-time work, and it's all-time will, + And cheerful heart and shout, + + Have you faith in yourself? Do you want to win? + Is your heart for success athrob? + There's just one thing that can bring you in + With the winners--love your job. + + --_Stewart Lishear_. + + +_Work Makes Men_ + +"Work," as Henry Drummond said on the death of his friend John Ewing, +of Melbourne, "is given man, not only, nor so much, perhaps, because +the world needs it, but because the workmen need it. Men make work; +but work makes men. An office is not merely a place for making money; +it is a place for making men. A workshop is not a place for making +machinery only; it is a place for making souls, for filling in the +working virtues of one's life; for turning out honest, modest and +good-natured men." + + +FIRST NAVVY--"Ye know, it's hard lines on Joe, 'im bein' so +short-sighted." + +SECOND NAVVY--"Why? Yer don't need good eyesight for our job!" + +FIRST NAVVY--"No, but 'e can't see when the foreman ain't lookin', so +he has to keep on workin' all the time." + + +A youth was being scored by his father for his flighty notions, his +habit of shirking and general unreliability. "Hard work never killed +anybody," the old man added. + +"That's just the trouble, dad," returned the youngster. "I want to +engage in something that has a spice of danger in it." + + +"Why don't you get out and hustle? Hard work never killed anybody," +remarked the philosophical gentleman to whom Rastus applied for a +little charity. + +"You're mistaken dar, boss," replied Rastus; "I'se lost fouh wives dat +way." + + + For whether he's wielding a scepter or swab, + I have faith in the man who's in love with his job. + + --_Shorey_. + + + + +WORRY + + +"Didn't you use to belong to a Don't Worry Club years ago?" + +"Yes," replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. Nobody +worried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and salad and +freeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just a born worrier +and was out of my class." + + + + +YOUTH + + +Arthur T. Hadley, president of Yale, said of youth at a tea in New +Haven: + +"I find youth modest, almost over-modest. I don't agree with the +accepted idea of youth that is epitomized in the anecdote. + +"According to this anecdote, an old man said to a youth: + +"'My boy, when I was your age I thought, like you, that I knew it all, +but now I have reached the conclusion that I know nothing.' + +"The youth, lighting a cigaret, answered carelessly: + +"'Hm! I reached that conclusion about you years ago.'" + + + + +ZONES + + +While inspecting examination papers recently, a teacher found various +humorous answers to questions. A class of boys, averaging twelve years +of age, had been examined in geography. The previous day had +been devoted to grammar. Among the geographical questions was the +following: + +"Name the zones." + +One promising youth, who had mixed the two subjects, wrote: "There are +two zones, masculine and feminine. The masculine is either temperate +or intemperate; the feminine is either torrid or frigid!" + + + + +INDEX + + +ABSENT-MINDEDNESS +ACCIDENTS +ACCURACY +ACTORS AND ACTRESSES +ADVERTISING +ADVICE +AFTER DINNER SPEECHES +AGE +AGRICULTURE +ALARM CLOCKS +ALIBI +ALIMONY +ALPHABET +ALTERNATIVES +AMBITION +AMERICANS +AMUSEMENTS +ANCESTRY +ANIMALS +ANTICIPATION +ANTIQUES +APARTMENTS +APPEARANCES +APPETITE +APPLAUSE +ARITHMETIC +ARMIES +ART AND ARTISTS +ASTRONOMY +AUTHORS +AUTHORSHIP +AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS +AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING +AVIATION +BACHELORS +BAGGAGE +BALDNESS +BANKS AND BANKING +BAPTISM +BAPTISTS +BARGAINS +BASEBALL +BATHS AND BATHING +BEAUTY, PERSONAL +BEGGING +BEQUESTS +BETTING +BIBLE INTERPRETATION +BIGAMY +BILLS +BLUFFING +BOARD OF HEALTH +BOARDING HOUSES +BOASTING +BOLSHEVISM +BOOKS AND READING +BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING +BOOMERANGS +BOOSTING +BORROWERS +BOSTON +BOY SCOUTS +BOYS +BRIDES +BROOKLYN +BROTHERHOOD +BURBANK +BUSINESS +BUSINESS ENTERPRISE +BUSINESS ETHICS +BUSINESS WOMEN +CAMPAIGNS +CANDIDATES +CANDOR +CAPITAL AND LABOR +CARD INDEX +CARELESSNESS +CATALOGING +CAUSE AND EFFECT +CAUTION +CHARACTER +CHARITY +CHEERFULNESS +CHICKEN STEALING +CHILD LABOR +CHILDREN +CHOICES +CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS +CHRISTMAS GIFTS +CHURCH +CHURCH ATTENDANCE +CHURCH DISCIPLINE +CITIZENS +CITY AND COUNTRY +CIVICS +CIVILIZATION +CLASS DISTINCTIONS +CLEANLINESS +CLERGY +CLOTHING +CLUBS +COAL +COFFEE +COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS +COLLECTION BOX +COLLEGE GRADUATES +COLLEGE STUDENTS +COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES +COMMITTEE +COMMON SENSE +COMMUNISM +COMMUTERS +COMPARISONS +COMPENSATION +COMPETITION +COMPLIMENTS +CONCEIT +CONDUCT +CONFESSIONS +CONFIDENCES +CONGRESS +CONSCIENCE +CONSCRIPTION +CONSERVATIVES +CONSOLATION +CONTENTMENT +CONTRIBUTION BOX +CONUNDRUMS +COOKERY +COOKS +COOPERATION +CORPULENCE +CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS +COSMOPOLITANISM +COST OF LIVING +COUNTRY LIFE +COURAGE +COURTESY +COURTS +COURTSHIP +CREDIT +CRIME +CRITICISM +CULTURE +CURES +CURIOSITY +CURRENT EVENTS +CUSTOM +DACHSHUNDS +DAMAGES +DANCING +DAYLIGHT SAVING +DEAD BEATS +DEBTS +DEGREES +DEMAGOG +DEMOCRACY +DENTISTS +DEPARTMENT STORES +DESTINATION +DETECTIVES +DETERMINATION +DIAGNOSIS +DILEMMAS +DINING +DIPLOMACY +DISARMAMENT +DISCHARGE +DISCIPLINE +DISCOUNTS +DISCRETION +DISPOSITION +DISTANCES +DIVORCE +DOCTORS +DOGS +DOMESTIC FINANCE +DOMESTIC RELATIONS +DREAMS +DRINKING +DRUNKARDS +DUTCH +DYSPEPSIA +EATING +ECONOMY +EDITORS +EDUCATION +EFFICIENCY +EGOTISM +EINSTEIN +EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS +EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES +ENEMIES +ENGLISH LANGUAGE +ENGLISHMEN +ENTHUSIASM +EPIGRAMS +EPITAPHS +EQUALITY +ETIQUET +EUROPEAN WAR +EUROPEAN WAR-POEMS +EVIDENCE +EXAGGERATION +EXAMINATIONS +EXCUSES +EXECUTIVE ABILITY +EXPENSES +EXPERIENCE +EXTRAVAGANCE +FAILURES +FAME +FAMILIES +FARMING +FASHION +FATE +FATHERS +FAULTS +FEES +FICTION +FIGHTING +FINANCE +FISH +FISHERMEN +FISHING +FLATTERY +FOOD +FOOD CONSERVATION +FOOLS +FORDS +FOREIGNERS +FORESIGHT +FORGETFULNESS +FORTUNE HUNTERS +FOUNTAIN PENS +FRANKLIN +FREAKS +FREE VERSE +FREEDOM OF SPEECH +FRENCH LANGUAGE +FRIENDS +FRIENDSHIP +FUTURE +FUTURE LIFE +FUTURIST ART +GAMBLING +GARAGES +GARDENING +GAS +GENEROSITY +GENIUS +GEOGRAPHY +GERMANY +GERMS +GIFTS +GIRLS +GOD +GOLF +GOSSIP +GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP +GRATITUDE +GUARANTEES +HABIT +HADES +HAPPINESS +HASH +HASTE +HEAVEN +HELL +HEREDITY +HEROES +HIGH COST OF LIVING +HINTING +HISTORY +HOME +HOME BREW +HOMELINESS +HOMESICK +HONESTY +HORSES +HOSPITALITY +HOSPITALS +HOTEL BIBLES +HOTELS +HOUSING PROBLEM +HUNGER +HUNTING +HURRY +HUSBANDS +HYPOCRISY +HYSTERICS +"IF" +IGNORANCE +ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS +IMITATION +IMMIGRANTS +IMPUDENCE +INCOME TAX +INDUSTRY +INFANTS +INFLUENZA +INHERITANCE +INITIATIVE +INSOMNIA +INSTALMENT PLAN +INSURANCE, FIRE +INSURANCE, LIFE +INTERVIEWS +INVESTMENTS +IRELAND +IRISH BULLS +IRISHMEN +JEWS +JOKES +JOURNALISM +JUDGES +JUDGMENT +JURY +JUSTICE +KINDNESS +KINGS AND RULERS +KISSES +KNOWLEDGE +LABOR AND CAPITAL +LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES +LABOR-SAVING DEVICES +LADIES +LANGUAGES +LAUGHTER +LAUNDRY +LAWS +LAWYERS +LAZINESS +LEAGUE OF NATIONS +LEAP YEAR +LEFT HANDEDNESS +LEGISLATION +LEGISLATORS +LEISURE +LIARS +LIBERTY BONDS +LIBRARIANS +LIBRARIES +LIES +LIFE +LISPING +LOGIC +LONDON +LOST AND FOUND +LOVE +LUCK +MAGAZINES +MAJORITY +MARKSMANSHIP +MARRIAGE +MASCOTS +MATHEMATICS +MATRIMONY +MEASURING INSTRUMENTS +MEDALS +MEDICAL ETHICS +MEDICINE +MEMORY +MEN +METHODISTS +MIDDLEMAN +MILITARISM +MILITARY DISCIPLINE +MILK +MILLENNIUM +MILLINERS +MILLIONAIRES +MINISTERS +MISERS +MISTAKEN IDENTITY +MISTAKES +MONEY +MONEY LENDER +MORAL EDUCATION +MOSQUITOES +MOTHERS +MOTHERS' DAY +MOTHERS-IN-LAW +MOVING PICTURES +MULES +MUSHROOMS +MUSIC +MUSICIANS +NAMES, PERSONAL +NATIONALITY +NATURAL LAWS +NEGROES +NEIGHBORS +NEW JERSEY +NEW YORK CITY +NEWSBOYS +NEWSPAPERS +"NO" +NOTHING +NURSES +OBEDIENCE +OBESITY +OBITUARIES +OCCUPATIONS +OCEAN TRAVEL +OFFICE BOYS +OFFICE-SEEKERS +OFFICERS +OLD AGE +OLD CLOTHES +OPPORTUNITY +OPTIMISM +ORIGINALITY +OSTRICH +OUIJA BOARD +PARENTS +PARROTS +PARTNERSHIP +PEACE +PEDESTRIANS +PENMANSHIP +PEP +PERCENTAGE +PERSISTENCE +PERSUASION +PESSIMISM +PHILADELPHIA +PHILANTHROPISTS +PHILOSOPHY +PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS +PITTSBURG +PLEASURE +POETRY +POETS +POLICE +POLITENESS +POLITICAL PARTIES +POLITICIANS +POLITICS +POSTAL SERVICE +POVERTY +PRAISE +PRAYERS +PREACHING +PREJUDICE +PREPAREDNESS +PRESCRIPTIONS +PRETENSION +PRICES +PRIDE +PRINTERS +PRISONS +PROFANITY +PROFESSIONS +PROFITEERS +PROGRESS +PROHIBITION +PROMOTERS +PROMPTNESS +PRONUNCIATION +PROPERTY +PROPOSALS +PROSPERITY +PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT +PSYCHOLOGY +PUBLIC, THE +PUBLIC SCHOOLS +PUBLIC SPEAKERS +PUBLISHERS +PUNCTUALITY +PUNCTUATION +PUNISHMENT +PUNS +PURGATORY +QUAKERS +QUESTIONS +RADICALS +RAILROADS +READING +REAL ESTATE +REAL ESTATE AGENTS +REALISM +RECOMMENDATIONS +RECRUITING +RED TAPE +REGRETS +RELATIVES +RELIGIONS +REMEDIES +REMINDERS +REPARTEE +REPORTING +REPUTATION +REST CURE +RESTAURANTS +RETALIATION +ROADS +ROOSEVELT, THEODORE +RUINS +RUMMAGE SALES +SACRIFICES +SAFETY +SALARIES +SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP +SALVATION +SAVING +SCANDAL +SCHOLARSHIP +SCHOOLS +SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT +SCOTCH, THE +SEASICKNESS +SECRETS +SELF-MADE MEN +SENATE +SENATORS +SENSE OF HUMOR +SENTRIES +SERMONS +SERVANTS +SERVICE +SERVICE STAR +SHOPPING +SIGHT SEEING +SIGNS +SILENCE +SIMPLIFIED SPELLING +SIN +SINGERS +SKEPTICS +SLANG +SMILES +SMOKING +SNOBBERY +SOCIALISTS +SOCIETY +SOCIOLOGY +SOLDIERS +SOUND +SOUVENIRS +SPECULATION +SPEED +SPELLING +SPINSTERS +STAMMERING +STAMPS +STATISTICS +STENOGRAPHERS +STOCK EXCHANGE +STRATEGY +STREET-CARS +STRIKES +SUBSTITUTES +SUBURBS +SUBWAYS +SUCCESS +SUITORS +SUMMER RESORTS +SUNDAY +SUNDAY SCHOOLS +SUPERSTITION +SURPRISE +SYMPATHY +SYNONYMS +TACT +TALKERS +TARDINESS +TAX +TEACHERS +TEACHING +TEARS +TELEGRAPH +TELEPHONE +TEMPER +TEMPERANCE +TEMPTATION +TEN COMMANDMENTS +THEATER +THERMOMETER +THIEVES +THRIFT +TIDES +TIME +TIPS +TOURISTS +TRADE +TRADE MARKS +TRADE UNIONS +TRAMPS +TRAVELERS +TREES +TRENCHES +TROUBLE +TRUTH +UMBRELLAS +UNEXPECTED +UNITED STATES +VACATIONS +VALUE +VANITY +VEGETARIANS +VENTILATION +VOICE +VOTING +WAGES +WAR +WEALTH +WEATHER +WEDDINGS +WELSH +WESTMINSTER ABBEY +WHISKY +WIDOWS +WINDOWS +WISDOM +WISHES +WITNESSES +WIVES +WOMAN +WOMAN SUFFRAGE +WOMAN'S RIGHTS +WORK +WORRY +YOUTH +ZONES + + +Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book +by the transcriber. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MORE TOASTS*** + + +******* This file should be named 15338.txt or 15338.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15338 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright 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