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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:46:32 -0700 |
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diff --git a/15338-h/15338-h.htm b/15338-h/15338-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..64e99d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/15338-h/15338-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,35476 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of More Toasts, by Marion Dix Mosher</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-indent: 1em; text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + h2 {margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 1em;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 35%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + .trans-note { + border-style: dashed; + border-width: 1px; + border-color: #000000; + font-size: 0.8em; + text-align: center; + margin-left: 15%; + margin-right: 15%; + } + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i14 {margin-left: 7em;} + .poem p.i28 {margin-left: 14em;} + .poem p.i32 {margin-top: -0.7em; margin-left: 16em;} + + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + .drama p.i32 {margin: 0; margin-left: 16em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .advert {border-style: solid; border-width: 1px; margin: auto; width: 600px;} + + p.author {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%; margin-top: -0.7em;} + p.ctr {text-align: center;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, More Toasts, Edited by Marion Dix Mosher</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: More Toasts</p> +<p>Editor: Marion Dix Mosher</p> +<p>Release Date: March 12, 2005 [eBook #15338]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MORE TOASTS***</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>E-text prepared by Suzanne Shell, Sandra Brown,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> + <p> </p> + <div class="advert"> + <h1>BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIES<br /> + AND QUOTATIONS</h1> + + <h3>TOASTER'S HANDBOOK. Peggy Edmond and<br /> + Harold Workman Williams. 501p. $1.80</h3> + + <h3>MORE TOASTS. Marion D. Mosher. 552p. $1.80</h3> + </div> + + <p> </p> + + <p> </p> + + <h1>MORE TOASTS</h1> + + <h3>JOKES, STORIES AND<br /> + QUOTATIONS</h3> + + <p> </p> + + <p> </p> + + <h4>COMPILED BY</h4> + + <h3>MARION DIX MOSHER</h3> + + <p class="ctr"><b>Librarian, Genesee Branch, Rochester (N.Y.) + Public Library</b></p> + + <p> </p> + + <p> </p> + + <h4>NEW YORK<br /> + THE H. W. WILSON COMPANY<br /> + LONDON: GRAFTON & CO.<br /> + 1922</h4> + + <p> </p> + + <hr /> + + <h2>Contents</h2> + + <p class="toc"><a href="#H_PREF">PREFACE</a></p> + + <p class="toc"><a href="#H_INTR">INTRODUCTION</a></p> + + <p class="toc"><a href="#H_0005">MORE TOASTS</a></p> + + <div class="poem" + style="font-size:.8em"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0006">ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0007">ACCIDENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0008">ACCURACY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0009">ACTORS AND ACTRESSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0010">ADVERTISING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0011">ADVICE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0012">AFTER DINNER SPEECHES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0013">AGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0014">AGRICULTURE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0015">ALARM CLOCKS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0016">ALIBI</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0017">ALIMONY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0018">ALPHABET</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0019">ALTERNATIVES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0020">AMBITION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0021">AMERICANS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0022">AMUSEMENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0023">ANCESTRY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0024">ANIMALS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0025">ANTICIPATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0026">ANTIQUES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0027">APARTMENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0028">APPEARANCES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0029">APPETITE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0030">APPLAUSE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0031">ARITHMETIC</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0032">ARMIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0033">ART AND ARTISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0034">ASTRONOMY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0035">AUTHORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0036">AUTHORSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0037">AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0038">AUTOMOBILES AND + AUTOMOBILING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0039">AVIATION</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0040">BACHELORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0041">BAGGAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0042">BALDNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0043">BANKS AND BANKING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0044">BAPTISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0045">BAPTISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0046">BARGAINS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0047">BASEBALL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0048">BATHS AND BATHING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0049">BEAUTY, PERSONAL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0050">BEGGING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0051">BEQUESTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0052">BETTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0053">BIBLE INTERPRETATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0054">BIGAMY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0055">BILLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0056">BLUFFING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0057">BOARD OF HEALTH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0058">BOARDING HOUSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0059">BOASTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0060">BOLSHEVISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0061">BOOKS AND READING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0062">BOOKSELLERS AND + BOOKSELLING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0063">BOOMERANGS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0064">BOOSTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0065">BORROWERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0066">BOSTON</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0067">BOY SCOUTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0068">BOYS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0069">BRIDES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0070">BROOKLYN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0071">BROTHERHOOD</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0072">BURBANK</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0073">BUSINESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0074">BUSINESS ENTERPRISE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0074-1">BUSINESS ETHICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0074-2">BUSINESS WOMEN</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0074-3">CAMPAIGNS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0075">CANDIDATES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0076">CANDOR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0077">CAPITAL AND LABOR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0078">CARD INDEX</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0079">CARELESSNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0080">CATALOGING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0081">CAUSE AND EFFECT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0082">CAUTION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0083">CHARACTER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0084">CHARITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0085">CHEERFULNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0086">CHICKEN STEALING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0087">CHILD LABOR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0088">CHILDREN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0089">CHOICES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0090">CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0091">CHRISTMAS GIFTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0092">CHURCH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0093">CHURCH ATTENDANCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0094">CHURCH DISCIPLINE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0095">CITIZENS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0096">CITY AND COUNTRY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0097">CIVICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0098">CIVILIZATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0099">CLASS DISTINCTIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0100">CLEANLINESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0101">CLERGY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0102">CLOTHING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0103">CLUBS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0104">COAL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0105">COFFEE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0106">COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0107">COLLECTION BOX</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0108">COLLEGE GRADUATES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0109">COLLEGE STUDENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0110">COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0111">COMMITTEE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0112">COMMON SENSE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0113">COMMUNISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0114">COMMUTERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0115">COMPARISONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0116">COMPENSATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0117">COMPETITION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0118">COMPLIMENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0119">CONCEIT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0120">CONDUCT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0121">CONFESSIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0122">CONFIDENCES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0123">CONGRESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0124">CONSCIENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0125">CONSCRIPTION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0126">CONSERVATIVES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0127">CONSOLATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0128">CONTENTMENT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0129">CONTRIBUTION BOX</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0130">CONUNDRUMS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0131">COOKERY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0132">COOKS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0133">COOPERATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0134">CORPULENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0135">CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0136">COSMOPOLITANISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0137">COST OF LIVING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0138">COUNTRY LIFE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0139">COURAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0140">COURTESY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0141">COURTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0142">COURTSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0143">CREDIT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0144">CRIME</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0145">CRITICISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0146">CULTURE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0147">CURES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0148">CURIOSITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0149">CURRENT EVENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0150">CUSTOM</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0151">DACHSHUNDS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0152">DAMAGES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0153">DANCING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0154">DAYLIGHT SAVING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0155">DEAD BEATS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0156">DEBTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0157">DEGREES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0158">DEMAGOG</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0159">DEMOCRACY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0160">DENTISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0161">DEPARTMENT STORES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0162">DESTINATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0163">DETECTIVES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0164">DETERMINATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0165">DIAGNOSIS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0166">DILEMMAS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0167">DINING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0168">DIPLOMACY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0169">DISARMAMENT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0170">DISCHARGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0171">DISCIPLINE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0172">DISCOUNTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0173">DISCRETION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0174">DISPOSITION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0175">DISTANCES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0176">DIVORCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0177">DOCTORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0178">DOGS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0179">DOMESTIC FINANCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0180">DOMESTIC RELATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0181">DREAMS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0182">DRINKING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0183">DRUNKARDS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0184">DUTCH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0185">DYSPEPSIA</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0186">EATING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0187">ECONOMY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0188">EDITORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0189">EDUCATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0190">EFFICIENCY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0191">EGOTISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0192">EINSTEIN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0193">EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0194">EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0195">ENEMIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0196">ENGLISH LANGUAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0197">ENGLISHMEN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0198">ENTHUSIASM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0199">EPIGRAMS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0200">EPITAPHS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0201">EQUALITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0202">ETIQUET</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0203">EUROPEAN WAR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0204">EUROPEAN WAR-POEMS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0205">EVIDENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0206">EXAGGERATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0207">EXAMINATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0208">EXCUSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0209">EXECUTIVE ABILITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0210">EXPENSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0211">EXPERIENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0212">EXTRAVAGANCE</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0213">FAILURES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0214">FAME</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0215">FAMILIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0216">FARMING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0217">FASHION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0218">FATE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0219">FATHERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0220">FAULTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0221">FEES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0222">FICTION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0223">FIGHTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0224">FINANCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0225">FISH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0226">FISHERMEN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0227">FISHING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0228">FLATTERY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0229">FOOD</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0230">FOOD CONSERVATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0231">FOOLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0232">FORDS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0233">FOREIGNERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0234">FORESIGHT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0235">FORGETFULNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0236">FORTUNE HUNTERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0237">FOUNTAIN PENS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0238">FRANKLIN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0239">FREAKS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0240">FREE VERSE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0241">FREEDOM OF SPEECH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0242">FRENCH LANGUAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0243">FRIENDS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0244">FRIENDSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0245">FUTURE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0246">FUTURE LIFE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0247">FUTURIST ART</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0248">GAMBLING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0249">GARAGES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0250">GARDENING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0251">GAS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0252">GENEROSITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0253">GENIUS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0254">GEOGRAPHY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0255">GERMANY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0256">GERMS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0257">GIFTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0258">GIRLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0259">GOD</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0260">GOLF</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0261">GOSSIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0262">GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0263">GRATITUDE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0264">GUARANTEES</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0265">HABIT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0266">HADES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0267">HAPPINESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0268">HASH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0269">HASTE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0270">HEAVEN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0271">HELL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0272">HEREDITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0273">HEROES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0274">HIGH COST OF LIVING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0275">HINTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0276">HISTORY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0277">HOME</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0278">HOME BREW</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0279">HOMELINESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0280">HOMESICK</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0281">HONESTY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0282">HORSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0283">HOSPITALITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0284">HOSPITALS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0285">HOTEL BIBLES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0286">HOTELS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0287">HOUSING PROBLEM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0288">HUNGER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0289">HUNTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0290">HURRY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0291">HUSBANDS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0292">HYPOCRISY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0293">HYSTERICS</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0294">"IF"</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0295">IGNORANCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0296">ILLUSIONS AND + HALLUCINATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0297">IMITATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0298">IMMIGRANTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0299">IMPUDENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0300">INCOME TAX</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0301">INDUSTRY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0302">INFANTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0303">INFLUENZA</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0304">INHERITANCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0305">INITIATIVE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0306">INSOMNIA</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0307">INSTALMENT PLAN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0308">INSURANCE, FIRE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0309">INSURANCE, LIFE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0310">INTERVIEWS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0311">INVESTMENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0312">IRELAND</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0313">IRISH BULLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0314">IRISHMEN</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0315">JEWS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0316">JOKES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0317">JOURNALISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0318">JUDGES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0319">JUDGMENT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0320">JURY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0321">JUSTICE</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0322">KINDNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0323">KINGS AND RULERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0324">KISSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0325">KNOWLEDGE</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0326">LABOR AND CAPITAL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0327">LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0328">LABOR-SAVING DEVICES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0329">LADIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0330">LANGUAGES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0331">LAUGHTER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0332">LAUNDRY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0333">LAWS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0334">LAWYERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0335">LAZINESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0336">LEAGUE OF NATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0337">LEAP YEAR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0338">LEFT HANDEDNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0339">LEGISLATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0340">LEGISLATORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0341">LEISURE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0342">LIARS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0343">LIBERTY BONDS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0344">LIBRARIANS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0345">LIBRARIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0346">LIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0347">LIFE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0348">LISPING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0349">LOGIC</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0350">LONDON</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0351">LOST AND FOUND</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0352">LOVE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0353">LUCK</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0354">MAGAZINES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0355">MAJORITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0356">MARKSMANSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0357">MARRIAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0358">MASCOTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0359">MATHEMATICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0360">MATRIMONY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0361">MEASURING INSTRUMENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0362">MEDALS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0363">MEDICAL ETHICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0364">MEDICINE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0365">MEMORY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0366">MEN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0367">METHODISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0368">MIDDLEMAN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0369">MILITARISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0370">MILITARY DISCIPLINE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0371">MILK</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0372">MILLENNIUM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0373">MILLINERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0374">MILLIONAIRES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0375">MINISTERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0376">MISERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0377">MISTAKEN IDENTITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0378">MISTAKES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0379">MONEY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0380">MONEY LENDER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0381">MORAL EDUCATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0382">MOSQUITOES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0383">MOTHERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0384">MOTHERS' DAY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0385">MOTHERS-IN-LAW</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0386">MOVING PICTURES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0387">MULES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0388">MUSHROOMS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0389">MUSIC</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0390">MUSICIANS</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0391">NAMES, PERSONAL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0392">NATIONALITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0393">NATURAL LAWS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0394">NEGROES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0395">NEIGHBORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0396">NEW JERSEY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0397">NEW YORK CITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0398">NEWSBOYS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0399">NEWSPAPERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0400">"NO"</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0401">NOTHING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0402">NURSES</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0403">OBEDIENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0404">OBESITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0405">OBITUARIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0406">OCCUPATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0407">OCEAN TRAVEL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0408">OFFICE BOYS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0409">OFFICE-SEEKERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0410">OFFICERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0411">OLD AGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0412">OLD CLOTHES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0413">OPPORTUNITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0414">OPTIMISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0415">ORIGINALITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0416">OSTRICH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0417">OUIJA BOARD</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0418">PARENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0419">PARROTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0420">PARTNERSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0421">PEACE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0422">PEDESTRIANS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0423">PENMANSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0424">PEP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0425">PERCENTAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0426">PERSISTENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0427">PERSUASION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0428">PESSIMISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0429">PHILADELPHIA</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0430">PHILANTHROPISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0431">PHILOSOPHY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0432">PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0433">PITTSBURG</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0434">PLEASURE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0435">POETRY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0436">POETS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0437">POLICE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0438">POLITENESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0439">POLITICAL PARTIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0440">POLITICIANS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0441">POLITICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0442">POSTAL SERVICE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0443">POVERTY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0444">PRAISE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0445">PRAYERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0446">PREACHING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0447">PREJUDICE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0448">PREPAREDNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0449">PRESCRIPTIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0450">PRETENSION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0451">PRICES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0452">PRIDE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0453">PRINTERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0454">PRISONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0455">PROFANITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0456">PROFESSIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0457">PROFITEERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0458">PROGRESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0459">PROHIBITION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0460">PROMOTERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0461">PROMPTNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0462">PRONUNCIATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0463">PROPERTY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0464">PROPOSALS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0465">PROSPERITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0466">PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0467">PSYCHOLOGY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0468">PUBLIC, THE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0469">PUBLIC SCHOOLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0470">PUBLIC SPEAKERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0471">PUBLISHERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0472">PUNCTUALITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0473">PUNCTUATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0474">PUNISHMENT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0475">PUNS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0476">PURGATORY</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0477">QUAKERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0478">QUESTIONS</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0479">RADICALS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0480">RAILROADS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0481">READING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0482">REAL ESTATE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0483">REAL ESTATE AGENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0484">REALISM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0485">RECOMMENDATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0486">RECRUITING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0487">RED TAPE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0488">REGRETS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0489">RELATIVES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0490">RELIGIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0491">REMEDIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0492">REMINDERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0493">REPARTEE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0494">REPORTING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0495">REPUTATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0496">REST CURE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0497">RESTAURANTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0498">RETALIATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0499">ROADS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0500">ROOSEVELT, THEODORE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0501">RUINS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0502">RUMMAGE SALES</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0503">SACRIFICES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0504">SAFETY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0505">SALARIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0506">SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0507">SALVATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0508">SAVING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0509">SCANDAL</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0510">SCHOLARSHIP</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0511">SCHOOLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0512">SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0513">SCOTCH, THE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0514">SEASICKNESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0515">SECRETS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0516">SELF-MADE MEN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0517">SENATE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0518">SENATORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0519">SENSE OF HUMOR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0520">SENTRIES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0521">SERMONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0522">SERVANTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0523">SERVICE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0523-1">SERVICE STAR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0524">SHOPPING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0525">SIGHT SEEING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0526">SIGNS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0527">SILENCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0528">SIMPLIFIED SPELLING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0529">SIN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0530">SINGERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0531">SKEPTICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0532">SLANG</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0533">SMILES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0534">SMOKING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0535">SNOBBERY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0536">SOCIALISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0537">SOCIETY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0538">SOCIOLOGY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0539">SOLDIERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0540">SOUND</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0541">SOUVENIRS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0542">SPECULATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0543">SPEED</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0544">SPELLING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0545">SPINSTERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0546">STAMMERING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0547">STAMPS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0548">STATISTICS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0549">STENOGRAPHERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0550">STOCK EXCHANGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0551">STRATEGY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0552">STREET-CARS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0553">STRIKES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0554">SUBSTITUTES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0555">SUBURBS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0556">SUBWAYS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0557">SUCCESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0558">SUITORS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0559">SUMMER RESORTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0560">SUNDAY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0561">SUNDAY SCHOOLS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0562">SUPERSTITION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0563">SURPRISE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0564">SYMPATHY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0565">SYNONYMS</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0566">TACT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0567">TALKERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0568">TARDINESS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0569">TAX</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0570">TEACHERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0571">TEACHING</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0572">TEARS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0573">TELEGRAPH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0574">TELEPHONE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0575">TEMPER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0576">TEMPERANCE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0577">TEMPTATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0578">TEN COMMANDMENTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0579">THEATER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0580">THERMOMETER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0581">THIEVES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0582">THRIFT</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0583">TIDES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0584">TIME</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0585">TIPS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0586">TOURISTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0587">TRADE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0588">TRADE MARKS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0589">TRADE UNIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0590">TRAMPS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0591">TRAVELERS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0592">TREES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0592-1">TRENCHES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0593">TROUBLE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0594">TRUTH</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0595">UMBRELLAS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0596">UNEXPECTED</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0597">UNITED STATES</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0598">VACATIONS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0599">VALUE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0600">VANITY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0601">VEGETARIANS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0602">VENTILATION</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0603">VOICE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0604">VOTING</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0605">WAGES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0606">WAR</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0607">WEALTH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0608">WEATHER</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0609">WEDDINGS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0610">WELSH</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0611">WESTMINSTER ABBEY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0612">WHISKY</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0613">WIDOWS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0614">WINDOWS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0615">WISDOM</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0616">WISHES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0617">WITNESSES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0618">WIVES</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0619">WOMAN</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0620">WOMAN SUFFRAGE</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0621">WOMAN'S RIGHTS</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0622">WORK</a></p> + + <p><a href="#H_0623">WORRY</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0624">YOUTH</a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><a href="#H_0625">ZONES</a></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="full" /> + <a name="H_PREF" + id="H_PREF"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PREFACE</h2> + + <p>The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its + publishers to compile another that will supplement it and bring + it up-to-date. New subjects keep coming to the front, and the + up-to-date toaster needs up-to-date stories to fit the + up-to-date subjects. No public occasion of today is complete + without its joke on the nineteenth amendment, the allied debts, + the income tax, etc.</p> + + <p>In offering the toasts, jokes, quotations and stories in + this second volume, the editor has endeavored to bring further + aid to the distracted toastmaster, to the professional + after-dinner speaker who must change his stories often, and to + individuals inexperienced in public speaking and so unfortunate + as to have public addresses forced upon them. He views the + product with much the same feeling as did Alexander Pope, who + said, "O'er his books his eyes began to roll, in pleasing + memory of all he stole."</p> + + <p>Paolo Bellezze expressed the same feelings in the + introduction to his work "Humor" when he said "Of this work of + mine, I must confess it is a great lot of stuff gathered from + everywhere except from my brain.... It is a necklace of pearls + strung upon a slender cord; that, I have put there; the pearls + have been furnished me by the most famous jewelers, native and + foreign. This said, I can—without being accused of + pride—recommend it to my respectable customers as an + article of great value and of absolute novelty."</p> + + <p>In making this collection, files of such magazines as Life, + Judge, Puck and Punch were drawn on extensively; also magazines + having humorous pages or columns, such as the Literary Digest, + Ladies' Home Journal, Everybody's, Harper's; also Bindery Talk + and various other house organs. According to Samuel Johnson "A + man will turn over half a library to make one book," and the + compiler of this one makes humble acknowledgment to a whole + library of books and periodicals where most of these jokes have + already appeared. It has been impossible to give credit unless + the place of first publication was definitely known.</p> + + <p>The compiling of "More Toasts" was in large measure + cooperative. The test of the humor of a story or joke is in its + efficacy when applied to normal people under ordinary + circumstances. With this philosophy in mind the editor made it + a rule to include nothing until it had first been "tried on the + dog." The original material was first graded into three classes + and, before being accepted, each joke had to stand the test of + appealing to the sense of humor of several persons. The result + is a collection of very carefully selected jokes and stories, + only about fifty per cent of the material originally chosen + being used. If any over-critical reader fails to find them + humorous, may not the fault possibly be due to his own + imperfect sense of humor?</p> + + <p>There is also much truth in the statement that the point of + a jest lies in the telling of it and often much of the subtle + humor is lost in the reading. The personality of the speaker is + a necessary factor and is frequently more important in the + effect produced by the story than the story itself. Elbert + Hubbard once said "Next in importance to the man who first + voices a great thought is the man who quotes it."</p> + + <p>The clever compiler, like a good chef, must not only know + what to select but in what order to present it. Knowledge + consists in being able to find a thing when you want it and + accordingly an attempt has been made to pigeonhole each joke + where it would be most useful. Such a classification is at best + a difficult and debatable question, and numerous cross + references have been placed wherever it was thought they might + direct the reader to the subject wanted.</p> + + <p>With these few explanatory words, the editor presents this + little volume, sincerely hoping that it may prove a friend in + need to all who seek the relaxation of humor, and a lifesaver + to that legion of humble men whose knees tremble when the + chairman speaks those fateful words—"The next speaker of + the evening...."</p> + + <p class="author">M.D.M.</p> + + <p>November, 1922.</p><a name="H_INTR" + id="H_INTR"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INTRODUCTION</h2> + + <p>What can be more fitting than that a compiled book should + have a compiled introduction? Why should one with great pains + and poor prospects of success attempt to do what has already + been well done? Knowing that all readers of this book have a + sense of humor and that they will approve our decision we begin + with a quotation from an article<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> + by Mr. E. Lyttelton.</p> + + <blockquote> + <h4><i>The Divine Gift of Humor</i></h4> + + <p>The subject of humor has an attraction peculiarly its own, + because it deals with a mystery which yet is pleasantly + interwoven with the daily life of each one of us. We often say + of one of our neighbors that he has no sense of humour. But he + often laughs; he never spends a day without at least trying to + laugh, tho it remains but an attempt, an effort, an aspiration + after something which he seems to have lost but wishes to + recover. Either, that is, he remains grave when others laugh, + or he laughs, as Horace says, "with alien jaws," by constraint + rather than because he cannot help it. He has a confused idea + that it is expected of him. Such laughter is apparently the + outcome of an uneasy sense of duty, a dismal travesty of the + real thing....</p> + + <p>Certainly humour is a singularly elusive thing, and I doubt + if anyone alive can explain it; but its elusiveness gives it + something of its charm; and, moreover, the illustrations which + are necessary to an inquiry into its nature, its scope and + meaning, are apt to be amusing without being irrelevant.</p> + + <p>Humour has often been roughly described as a sense of the + incongruous. More satisfying, however, is the following, which + has been ascribed to Dean Inge: It is a sense of incongruous + emotions. As soon as we think of the emotions being stirred we + see that the strange difference between humourous and + unhumourous people is not an intellectual matter, but follows + the general law of emotional susceptibility, viz., that it is + independent of the reason and varies within wide limits with + each individual, and obviously with each nationality. Moreover, + it appears that, as it is compounded of two emotions, one man + may feel one of the emotions but be dull to the other, + according to his temperament. It is a matter of sensitiveness, + and in sensitiveness no two of us are alike.</p> + + <p>Crudely judged, then, humour may be described as a blessing + of nature bestowed on all, but in widely varying measure, so + that in the case of some of our acquaintance we deplore its + non-existence, but never in ourselves. Nobody really believes + that he is wholly without it, partly because, in proportion as + the sense is really defective, the defect must be in its own + nature unperceived, but also because the gift is so precious, + so winsome, that no one could bear to believe that it has been + denied him. By a merciful law of nature, the delusion is + unsuspected, for assuredly, if any wholly unhumorous person + once realised the full extent of his privation, nothing could + save him from "wretchlessness" and despair.</p> + + <p>I prefer to believe that, like the sense of beauty, the love + of music, the thrill of admiration for uncalculating heroism, + we have here a wondrous aid to us in our life's pilgrimage, but + that if we trace it to a sense of our self-interest, we not + only vulgarize it, but we turn it into a caricature. For there + is in humour this singular property; its aroma is so subtle, + delicate and undefinable that the effort to buttress it upon + coarse, common utility is doomed to fail, and in the mere + attempt humour vanishes. There is something deliciously + contagious about laughter that is quite sincere and unthinking; + whereas the only people who contrive to be always absurd, but + never amusing, are those who laugh from a sense of duty.</p> + + <p>Humour, then, in the young is restricted in scope, their + experience of life being small; in women it is quicker than in + men, but shallower; in the Scotch it is reticent, in the Irish + voluble and refined, but cold. But wherever it is found free + from counterfeit, wholesome and contagious, it is the offspring + of man's heaven-bestowed power of seeing in the meannesses of + earth the true presence of the Divine.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Darwin says the causes of humor are legion and exceedingly + complex and various disquisitions upon humor and laughter would + seem to support him. Its social nature is emphasized by Edwin + Paxton Hood:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>The sources of all laughter and merriment are in the + cordial sympathies of our nature. Laughter is very nearly + related to the highest and most instinctive wisdom; it + stands at no distant remove from Judgment on the one hand, + and Imagination on the other; and it is a proof of a + healthy nature, for both thinking and acting.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>C.S. Evans in his article "On Humor in Literature" gives a + hint of the evolutionary process of its mechanism and its + higher refinement:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>On the lower plane of humor you get a laugh by the most + unimaginative means—merely conceive a recognized + humorous situation, or bring several things together + according to a recipe, and the thing is done. Every + practised comedian, in literature or on the stage, is an + adept at it. But the creation of character, the + expression—in terms of the words and actions of men + and women—of that "social gesture" which is + laughter's source, is a much greater thing, for there we + touch the symbolism which is the soul of art.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h4><i>The Function of Humor</i></h4> + + <p>In an article entitled "Why Do We Laugh?" William McDougall + discusses scientifically the value of laughter:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>Laughter of man presents a problem with which + philosophers have wrestled in all ages with little success. + Man is the only animal that laughs. And, if laughter may + properly be called an instinctive reaction, the instinct of + laughter is the only one peculiar to the human + species....</p> + + <p>We are saved from this multitude of small sympathetic + pains and depressions by laughter, which, as we have seen, + breaks up our train of mental activity and prevents our + dwelling upon the distressing situation, and which also + provides an antidote to the depressing influence in the + form of physiological stimulation that raises the + blood-pressure and promotes the circulation of the blood. + This, then, is the biological function of laughter, one of + the most delicate and beautiful of all nature's + adjustments. In order that man should reap the full + benefits of life in the social group, it was necessary that + his primitive sympathetic tendencies should be strong and + delicately adjusted. For without this, there could be + little mutual understanding, and only imperfect cooperation + and mutual aid in the more serious difficulties and + embarrassments of life. But, in endowing man with + delicately responsive sympathetic tendencies, nature + rendered him liable to suffer a thousand pains and + depressions upon a thousand occasions of mishap to his + fellows, occasions so trivial as to call for no effort of + support or assistance. Here was a dilemma—whether to + leave man so little sympathetic that he would be incapable + of effective social life; or to render him effectively + sympathetic and leave him subject to the perpetually + renewed pains of sympathy, which, if not counteracted, + would seriously depress his vitality and perhaps destroy + the species. Nature, confronted with this problem, solved + it by the invention of laughter. She endowed man with the + instinct to laugh on contemplation of these minor mishaps + of his fellow men; and so made them occasions of actual + benefit to the beholder; all those things which, apart from + laughter, would have been mildly displeasing and + depressing, became objects and occasions of stimulating + beneficial laughter....</p> + + <p>For laughter is no exception to the law of primitive + sympathy; but rather illustrates it most clearly and + familiarly; the infectiousness of laughter is notorious and + as irresistible as the infection of fear itself.... The + great laugher is the person of delicately responsive + sympathetic reactions; and his laughter quickly gives place + to pity and comforting support, if our misfortune waxes + more severe. Such persons are in little danger of giving + offense by their laughter; for we detect their ready + sympathy and easily laugh with them; they teach us to be + humorous.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>H. Merian Allen in his essay "Little Laughs in History" says + "The relaxation of a full laugh clears the brain, restores fit + contact with one's fellows, and so smoothes the way for the + solving of knotty problems."</p> + + <p>Linus W. Kline, Ph.D., further elucidates the psychical + office of humor as follows:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>The psychical function of humor is to delicately cut the + surface tension of consciousness and disarrange its + structure that it may begin again from a new and + strengthened base. It permits our mental forces to reform + under cover, as it were, while the battle is still on. + Then, too, it clarifies the field and reveals the + strategetic points, or, to change the figure, it pulls off + the mask and exposes the real man. No stimulus, perhaps + more mercifully and effectually breaks the surface tension + of consciousness, thereby conditioning the mind for a + stronger forward movement, than that of humor. It is the + one universal dispensary for human kind: a medicine for the + poor, a tonic for the rich, a recreation for the fatigued + and a beneficient check to the strenuous. It acts as a + shield to the reformer, as an entering wedge to the recluse + and as a decoy for barter and trade.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Humor is as necessary to our mental and spiritual life as + are vitamins to our physical well-being. Ruskin has called our + attention to the tendency of rivers to lean a little to one + side, to have "One shingly shore upon which they can be shallow + and foolish and childlike, and another steep shore under which + they can pause and purify themselves and get their strength of + waves fully together for due occasions," and has likened them + to great men who must have one side of their life for work and + another for play. Action and reaction must be balanced: + seriousness and lightness. "Men who work prodigously must play + with equal energy," says one commentator. "Humor is the gift of + the deeply serious man," remarks another. "There have been very + few solemn men, but their solemnity was evidence, not of their + gifts, but of their defects; as a rule greatness is accompanied + by the overflow of the fountain of life in play." "The richly + furnished mind overflows with vitality and deals with ideas and + life freely, daringly, often audaciously."</p> + + <p>The function of the catalyst in chemical reactions is to + help other bodies to get on together, but in doing this it only + lends its presence.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>CATALYST. A chemical body which by its presence, is + capable of inducing chemical changes in other bodies while + itself remaining unchanged.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>In quite the same way humor, by its mere presence, serves to + smooth the way in all human relations. It contributes a + socializing touch. "Humor makes the whole world akin."</p> + <hr /> + + <h4><i>Importance of Humor</i></h4> + + <p>Not only the toastmaster needs to have a sense of humor and + a collection of funny stories, and not only the preacher, the + public speaker and entertainer, but everyone, as well, who must + influence others. The "voice with a smile" wins because behind + the voice is a sense of humor. We have more confidence in those + who have a sense of humor. The following is quoted from a + persuasive advertisement entitled "The Gentle Art of Telling a + Humorous Story Well":</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>The most successful men and women are those who know how + to get along with their fellow-beings, who know how to win + and hold good will. In fact, the biggest problem in + business and society today is the human problem, the + problem of making people like you and making people feel + kindly towards each other.</p> + + <p>And nothing oils the wheels of human relationship so + nicely as humor. Abraham Lincoln understood this when he + saved many a critical situation by the introduction of one + of his famous anecdotes. Humor has its place in serious + business life, and in social life it is the universal + passport to popularity.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The importance of humor in our daily life, often emphasized + by scientists and philosophers, has been well summarized by + Justin McCarthy in an article "Humor as an Element of + Success":</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>I am strongly of the opinion that the quick and abiding + sense of humour is a great element of success in every + department of life. I do not speak merely of success in the + more strictly artistic fields of human work, but am willing + to maintain that even in the prosaic and practical concerns + of human existence, the sense of humour is an exciting and + sustaining influence to carry a man successfully thru to + the full development of his capacity and the attainment of + his purpose....</p> + + <p>In the stories of great events and great enterprises we + are constantly told of some heaven-born leader who kept + alive, thru the most trying hours of what otherwise might + have been utter and enfeebling depression, the energies, + the courage and the hope of his comrades and his + followers.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>During thousands of years nature has developed in the human + body many "safety first" signal systems. For example, when the + body becomes chilled this signal system causes us to shiver and + tickles the throat making us cough and in this way thru + exercise stimulates the blood circulation.</p> + + <p>Perhaps in ages to come nature will find a way to tickle our + sense of humor when we are angry, discouraged, or otherwise + mentally discomfitted and will thus help us thru laughter to + throw off the soul chill and to regain spiritual poise.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a> <b>Footnote 1</b>: + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>The Nineteenth Century. July, 1922.</p> + </blockquote><a name="H_0005" + id="H_0005"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <p> </p> + <p> </p> + + <h1>MORE TOASTS</h1><a name="H_0006" + id="H_0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ABSENT-MINDEDNESS</h2> + + <p>This story is told of an absent-minded professor at Drew + Theological Seminary. One evening while studying he had need of + a book-mark. Seeing nothing else handy, he used his wife's + scissors, which lay on the sewing-table. A few minutes later + the wife wanted the scissors, but a diligent search failed to + reveal them.</p> + + <p>The next day the professor appeared before his class and + opened his book. There lay the scissors. He picked them up and, + holding them above his head, shouted:</p> + + <p>"Here they are, dear!"</p> + + <p>Yes, the class got it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Deep in a ponderous calculation, the professor leaned over + his desk. One hand held his massive brow; the other guided the + pencil.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the library door was flung open, and a nurse + entered, smiling broadly.</p> + + <p>"There's a little stranger upstairs, professor," she + announced, of course referring to the very latest arrival.</p> + + <p>"Eh?" grunted the man of learning, poring deeply over his + problem.</p> + + <p>"It's a little boy," remarked the nurse, still smiling.</p> + + <p>"Little boy," mused the professor. "Little boy-eh? Well ask + him what he wants."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A story is current concerning a professor who is reputed to + be slightly absent-minded. The learned man had arranged to + escort his wife one evening to the theater. "I don't like the + tie you have on. I wish you would go up and put on another," + said his wife.</p> + + <p>The professor tranquilly obeyed. Moment after moment + elapsed, until finally the impatient wife went upstairs to + learn the cause of the delay. In his room she found her husband + undressed and getting into bed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How will you have your roast beef?" asked the waiter.</p> + + <p>"Well done, good and faithful servant," murmured the + clerical-looking diner absent-mindedly.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Habit; Memory.</p><a name="H_0007" + id="H_0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ACCIDENTS</h2> + + <p>Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. Blank called + to her maid in the adjoining room, "Norah, what on earth are + you doing?"</p> + + <p>"I ain't doin' nothin', mum," replied Norah; "it's + done."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded + street had the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a + store. He immediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, + but he had been seen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in + company with several salesmen, and was soon caught.</p> + + <p>"Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he + had regained his breath. "You have broken my window!"</p> + + <p>"I sure have," admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me + running home to get the money to pay for it?"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a man who fancied that by driving good and + fast</p> + + <p>He'd get his car across the track before the train + came past;</p> + + <p>He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the + train-hands sore.</p> + + <p>There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any + more.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0008" + id="H_0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ACCURACY</h2> + + <p>In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met + with a serious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and + examined him, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, + seemingly unconscious.</p> + + <p>After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give him + sixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the + doctor had left the wife told the daughter to run and fetch + threepennyworth of brandy for her father.</p> + + <p>The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: + "Sixpenn'orth, the doctor said."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was + printed: "Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he + always pointed out to the new reporters.</p> + + <p>One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his + report of a public meeting. The editor read it through and came + to the sentence: "Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes + were fixed upon the speaker."</p> + + <p>"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he + demanded, wrathfully.</p> + + <p>"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There + was a one-eyed man in the audience!"</p><a name="H_0009" + id="H_0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ACTORS AND ACTRESSES</h2> + + <p>FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)—"Did you hear the + way the public wept during my death scene?"</p> + + <p>SECOND ACTRESS—"Yes, it must have been because they + realized that it was only acted!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as + if he were in love with the star?"</p> + + <p>"Can't act at all," said the director. "Trouble is, he is in + love with her."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture + on Australia. "There is one animal," she said, "none of you + have mentioned. It does not stand up on its legs all the time. + It does not walk like other animals, but takes funny little + skips. What is it?" And the class yelled with one voice, + "Charlie Chaplin!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with + tonsilitis, and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his + favorite, Charlie Chaplin, clipped from the pages of the + motion-picture pictorials.</p> + + <p>One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied + earnestly a full-page drawing of the million-dollar + comedian.</p> + + <p>"Mother," he asked, "will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?"</p> + + <p>"Why, yes—I hope so," answered the somewhat astonished + parent.</p> + + <p>"Gee! won't the Lord have some fun then!" was Robert's + comment.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the + visitor faced the proprietor of the film studio. "I would like + to secure a place in your moving-picture company," he said.</p> + + <p>"You are an actor?" asked the film man.</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Had any experience acting without audiences?"</p> + + <p>A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor's eyes as he + replied:</p> + + <p>"Acting without audiences is what brought me here!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was a death-bed scene, but the director was not satisfied + with the hero's acting.</p> + + <p>"Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pa, what's an actor?"</p> + + <p>"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a + stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting + for their cues, a number of bored stage hands and a lot of + theatrical odds and ends and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there + is from this window!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"There were two actresses in an early play of mine," said an + author, "both very beautiful; but the leading actress was thin. + She quarreled one day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she + ended the quarrel by saying, haughtily: 'Remember, please, that + I am the star.'</p> + + <p>"'Yes, I know you're the star,' the other retorted, eyeing + with an amused smile the leading actress's long, slim figure, + 'but you'd look better, my dear, if you were a little + meteor!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>INTERVIEWER—"What is your wife's favorite dish?"</p> + + <p>HUSBAND OF FAMOUS MOVIE ACTRESS—"In the magazines it + is peach-bloom fudge-cake with orangewisp salad, but at home it + is tripe and cabbage."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The actress stood before her mirror, in doublet and hose, + and regarded her thin legs anxiously.</p> + + <p>"I'm not exactly a poem," said she, "but I may pass for + heroic verse."</p><a name="H_0010" + id="H_0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ADVERTISING</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>The Question is How Much More?</i></p> + + <p>TO RENT—In private home, a large, handsomely furnished + front room; also a medium-sized one; every convenience; + centrally and very choicely located; rent more than reasonable. + Address, etc.—</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Advertising is the test of integrity; the proof of + integrity; that transmits an ever-increasing confidence to both + producer and purchaser.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I won't pay one cent for my advertising this week," + declared the store-keeper angrily to the editor of the country + paper. "You told me you'd put the notice of my shoe-polish in + with the reading-matter."</p> + + <p>"And didn't I do it?" inquired the editor.</p> + + <p>"No, sir!" roared the advertiser. "No, sir, you did not! You + put it in the column with a mess of poetry, that's where you + put it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Paw, what is an advertisement?"</p> + + <p>"An advertisement is the picture of a pretty girl eating, + wearing, holding or driving something that somebody wants to + sell."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of + his recital printed in the paper of a small town.</p> + + <p>"I told your man three or four times," complained the + musician to the owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used + was a genuine Stradivarius, and in his story there was not a + word about it, not a word."</p> + + <p>Whereupon the owner said with a laugh:</p> + + <p>"That is as it should be. When Mr. Stradivarius gets his + fiddles advertised in my paper under ten cents a line, you come + around and let me know."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Oh, we called about the flat advertised."</p> + + <p>"Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the + house-agent's description of it, I really feel I can't part + with it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER—"Your advertisement begins: + 'Wanted: Silent Partner.'"</p> + + <p>ADVERTISER—"Yes, that's right."</p> + + <p>CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER—"Do you want this placed under + Business Opportunities or Matrimony?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab-driver, standing + in front of the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of + your car."</p> + + <p>The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: + "Sometimes when business is bad I put it there and leave the + door open. It's empty, but you've no idea how many people'll + jump in for a short drive when they see it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Recently the L. P. Ross Shoe Company inserted an + advertisement in a Rochester paper for vampers and closers-up. + Among the answers received was one from a young lady who signed + herself Miss Mabelle Jones and gave her address as General + Delivery, Rochester. The letter said in part:</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<i>Gentlemen</i>: I have seen your ad for vampires and + close-ups and I would like the job. I have been studying to + vamp for several years and have been practising eye work + for a long while. My gentlemen friends tell me that I have + the other movie vamps backed off the map. I have made a + particular study of Theda Bara. I don't know much about + close-ups, but suppose I could learn. I have a good form, + swell brown eyes, and a fine complexion."</p> + + <p>"If you would like, I will call and show you what I can + do. I have been looking for a vampire job, but never saw no + ads in the papers before."</p> + + <p class="ctr">"Yours,"</p> + + <p class="author">"MABELLE JONES."</p> + + <p>"P. S.—Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I + have just come to Rochester and so I haven't got many + clothes."—<i>Rochester Herald</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>His Little Ad</i></p> + + <p>There was a man in our town</p> + + <p class="i2">And he was wondrous wise;</p> + + <p>He swore (it was his policy)</p> + + <p class="i2">He would not advertise.</p> + + <p>But one day he did advertise,</p> + + <p class="i2">And thereby hangs a tail,</p> + + <p>The "ad" was set in quite small type,</p> + + <p class="i2">And headed "Sheriff's Sale."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, + while in London. He told some Washington friends a day or two + ago that when he visited the theater where he was to deliver + his travelogue he decided that the entrance to the theater was + rather dingy and that there should be more display of his + attraction.</p> + + <p>Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that + the front be brightened up at night by electrical signs, one + row of lights spelling his name "Burton" and another row of + lights spelling the name "Holmes."</p> + + <p>The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for + him to authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. + Mr. Holmes traveled several hours into the country to consult + with the owner, who referred him to his agent in the city. The + agent in turn sent Mr. Holmes to the janitor of the + theater.</p> + + <p>"I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for + about an hour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone + into every detail of the cost and everything else, the janitor + told me that the theater was a very exclusive and high class + theater, and that he would not put up the sign. I asked him + why?"</p> + + <p>"Because it would attract too much attention to the + theater," the janitor replied.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk + salesman. "Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" + "I want them pants," said the old farmer, leading the way to + the window and pointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at + 5.20."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and + salesmanship.</p><a name="H_0011" + id="H_0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ADVICE</h2> + + <p>The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice + and doesn't let you know what advice he wants.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking + is advice.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can + easier teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of + the twenty to follow mine own + teaching.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those + who might profit by it don't need it, and those who do need it + won't profit by it—if they could, they wouldn't need + it.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How often have my kindly friends,</p> + + <p class="i2">(When Fate has dealt me some shrewd + blow),</p> + + <p>Recalling random odds and ends</p> + + <p class="i2">Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But when 'twas I who warned, and they</p> + + <p class="i2">Who heeded not, and came to woe,</p> + + <p>I wonder why they'd never say:</p> + + <p class="i2">"That's right, old chap, you told me + so!"</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0012" + id="H_0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AFTER DINNER SPEECHES</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Recipe for an After-dinner + Speech</i></p> + + <p>Three long breaths.</p> + + <p>Compliment to the audience.</p> + + <p>Funny Story.</p> + + <p>Outline of what speaker is <i>not</i> going to + say.</p> + + <p>Points that he will touch on later.</p> + + <p>Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.</p> + + <p>Outline of what speaker <i>is</i> going to say.</p> + + <p>Points that he has not time to touch on now.</p> + + <p>Reference to what he said first.</p> + + <p>Funny Story.</p> + + <p>Compliment to the audience.</p> + + <p>Ditto to our City, State and Country.</p> + + <p>Applause.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating + each sentence three times in slightly different + words.</p> + + <p class="i32">—<i>Mary Eleanor Roberts</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" + asked the editor with the copy in his hand.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir," replied the reporter.</p> + + <p>"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'—do + you think that is proper?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers + told would make any table groan."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Politicians; Public + speakers.</p><a name="H_0013" + id="H_0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AGE</h2> + + <p>HE—"How old are you?"</p> + + <p>SHE—"I've just turned twenty-three."</p> + + <p>HE—"Oh, I see—thirty-two."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A judge asked a woman her age.</p> + + <p>"Thirty," she replied.</p> + + <p>"You've given that age in this court for the last three + years."</p> + + <p>"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and + another thing tomorrow."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the + street and see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."</p> + + <p>"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned + and reported:</p> + + <p>"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she + is."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."</p> + + <p>"Gracious! How was that?"</p> + + <p>"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The + original of this is carefully preserved.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous + tragedienne wrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, + and the wise at the right time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few + pleasant thoughts.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked + a newspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian.</p> + + <p>"Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman + replied.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MURIEL—"I don't intend to be married until after I'm + thirty."</p> + + <p>MABEL—"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm + married!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My first gray hair!</p> + + <p>I never knew that you were there,</p> + + <p>Nor least expected you would come so soon—</p> + + <p>But you are there;</p> + + <p>From whence you came or where</p> + + <p>I know not, but I care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You make me stop and wonder</p> + + <p>Why I find you there to-night,</p> + + <p>Is it some worry or some fright</p> + + <p>That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white?</p> + + <p>You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet.</p> + + <p>On that your fondest curls you bet,</p> + + <p>For just as long as you are there</p> + + <p>I'll hide you very neatly—there!</p> + + <p>And none will wonder—only I, at you—</p> + + <p>My first gray hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Wells Hawks</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>One great advantage of really being old is that one is + beyond being told he is getting old.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Twenty-One Plus</i></p> + + <p>FIRST SUFFRAGIST—"How old do you think Mabel is?"</p> + + <p>SECOND SUFFRAGIST—"Well, I should say she had lost + about seventeen votes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when + the census taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls + next door," she asked—"The Hill twins?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly," replied the census man.</p> + + <p>"And did they tell you their age?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."</p> + + <p>"Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his + book, "Sarah Stokes, as old as the Hills."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember, I remember,</p> + + <p class="i2">The fir trees dark and high;</p> + + <p>I used to think their slender tops</p> + + <p class="i2">Were close against the sky;</p> + + <p>It was a childish ignorance,</p> + + <p class="i2">But now 'tis little joy</p> + + <p>To know I'm farther off from heaven</p> + + <p class="i2">Than when I was a boy.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>PHYSICIAN—"Tell your wife not to worry about that + slight deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing + years."</p> + + <p>MR. MEEK—"Doctor would you mind telling her + yourself?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"</p> + + <p>"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night + that Mr. Jones raised his ante."</p><a name="H_0014" + id="H_0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AGRICULTURE</h2> + + <p>"Crop failures?" asked the old timer.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was + almost nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate + fourteen acres of corn at one meal!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Farming; Laws.</p><a name="H_0015" + id="H_0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ALARM CLOCKS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To-day I bought an alarm-clock,</p> + + <p class="i2">It has a very loud ring.</p> + + <p>I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner,</p> + + <p class="i2">For every time I hear it I have to get + up.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality + above everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at + work every morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get + up in time, and the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then + the "hand" bought an alarm-clock, and for some time everything + went along smoothly. But one morning he got to the field + fifteen minutes late. The farmer immediately discharged him, in + spite of his protestations that his alarm-clock was to + blame.</p> + + <p>Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee + determined to find out the cause of his downfall. He took the + alarm-clock to pieces, and discovered a dead cockroach among + the works.</p> + + <p>"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the + clock wouldn't run—the engineer bane daid."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."</p> + + <p>"So did I—an alarm clock."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I + want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole + family."</p> + + <p>"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said + the man behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary + kind—the kind that will wake the whole family without + disturbing the girl."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Philadelphia; Tardiness.</p><a name="H_0016" + id="H_0016"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ALIBI</h2> + + <p>TEACHER—"What is an alibi?"</p> + + <p>BRIGHT Boy—"Being somewhere where you + ain't."</p><a name="H_0017" + id="H_0017"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ALIMONY</h2> + + <p><i>Or Go to Jail</i></p> + + <p>"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the + Friend who was seeking free advice.</p> + + <p>"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay + married."</p><a name="H_0018" + id="H_0018"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ALPHABET</h2> + + <p>MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)—"Now, + dearie, what comes after 'g'?"</p> + + <p>THE + CHILD—"Whiz!"—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0019" + id="H_0019"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ALTERNATIVES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Choices.</p><a name="H_0020" + id="H_0020"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AMBITION</h2> + + <p>Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his + home. Second, to own a car to get away from his home.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that + avarice makes concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating + power as a means to happiness, and she finishes by continuing + to accumulate it as an end.—<i>Colton</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly + desire; and this desire must shorten thy + sleep.—<i>Ovid</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of + glory.—<i>Cicero</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its + progress is boundless.—<i>Seneca</i>.</p><a name="H_0021" + id="H_0021"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AMERICANS</h2> + + <p>A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York + paper an advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has + lost his right leg is desirous of making the acquaintance of + some one who has lost his left leg, in order to become + associated with him in the purchase of boots and shoes, size + 8." The very observant French editor very politely comments: + "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he never loses + his head."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. + "Fine attitude, eh?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. + "Hanging to a strap."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you + tell me who George Washington was?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American + gen'ral."</p> + + <p>"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us + what George Washington was remarkable for?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable + because he was an American and told the truth."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full + eruption. "Ain't this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. + "Ah, the Americans," said a Frenchman standing by, "Where have + they not been?"</p><a name="H_0022" + id="H_0022"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AMUSEMENTS</h2> + + <p>It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry + handkerchief in the house. But one man in the first balcony + irritated his neighbors excessively by refusing to take the + performance in the proper spirit. Instead of weeping, he + laughed. While others were mopping their eyes and endeavoring + to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment and he + burst into inappropriate guffaws.</p> + + <p>At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.</p> + + <p>"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with + streaming eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; + "but if y-you don't like the p-play you might l-let other + p-people enjoy it!"</p><a name="H_0023" + id="H_0023"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ANCESTRY</h2> + + <p>HAMPTON—"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old + one. They were one of the first to come across."</p> + + <p>RHODES—"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are + the last to come across."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pa, what are ancestors?"</p> + + <p>"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is + another."</p> + + <p>"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"My ancestors came over in the + <i>Mayflower</i>."</p> + + <p>SHE—"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a + little stricter now."</p><a name="H_0024" + id="H_0024"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ANIMALS</h2> + + <p>It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.</p> + + <p>"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.</p> + + <p>After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: + "I think the kangaroo and the elephant should change + tails."</p><a name="H_0025" + id="H_0025"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ANTICIPATION</h2> + + <p>"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is + greater than realization?"</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and + higher, but realization is longer and + flatter."</p><a name="H_0026" + id="H_0026"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ANTIQUES</h2> + + <p>"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his + automobile? When I knew him a few years ago he had a + junk-shop."</p> + + <p>"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and + labeled the same stock 'Antiques.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUSTOMER—"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? + Why, I priced it last week and you said three hundred and + fifty."</p> + + <p>DEALER—"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and + materials has gone up so!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AD WRITER—"When do you want me to prepare that copy + for the sale of antiques you have been planning?"</p> + + <p>BOSS—"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The + wormhole borers are on strike in Grand + Rapids."</p><a name="H_0027" + id="H_0027"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>APARTMENTS</h2> + + <p>MR. LONGSUFFER—"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my + flat."</p> + + <p>JANITOR—"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Necessarily So</i></p> + + <p>"I wonder if they take children in these apartments."</p> + + <p>"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown + person."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room + kitchenette apartment?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, they have no room for + complaint!"—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0028" + id="H_0028"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>APPEARANCES</h2> + + <p>A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, + and his wife's appearance shows how much he is spending.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In civilized society external advantages make us more + respected. A man with a good coat upon his back meets with a + better reception than he who has a bad one. You may analyze + this and say, what is there in it? But that will avail you + nothing, for it is a part of a general + system.—<i>Johnson</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows + poor by seeming rich.—<i>Shenstone</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough + gold.—<i>Chesterfield</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In all professions every one affects a particular look and + exterior, in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so + that it may be said the world's made up of + appearances.—<i>La Rochefoucauld</i>.</p><a name="H_0029" + id="H_0029"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>APPETITE</h2> + + <p>"Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you + don't mind, you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the + summer boarders."</p> + + <p>"Isn't my society good enough for them?"</p> + + <p>"Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible + example."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEACHER—"You remember the story of Daniel in the + lion's den, Robbie?"</p> + + <p>ROBBIE—"Yes, ma'am."</p> + + <p>TEACHER—"What lesson do we learn from it?"</p> + + <p>ROBBIE—"That we shouldn't eat everything we + see."</p><a name="H_0030" + id="H_0030"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>APPLAUSE</h2> + + <p>"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator + receives."</p> + + <p>"Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be + applause. You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening + and do absolutely nothing."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The train pulled out before you had finished your + speech."</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of + the crowd fading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether + they were applauding me or the engineer."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious + spirit.—<i>Hannah More</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in + the world, is the highest + applause.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p><a name="H_0031" + id="H_0031"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ARITHMETIC</h2> + + <p>"Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil + them four minutes."</p> + + <p>But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve + minutes.</p> + + <p>Which proves the value of higher mathematics.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)—"If a farmer raises + 3,700 bushels of wheat and sells it for $2.50 per bushel, what + will he get?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE BOY—"An automobile."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, then, Johnny," said his teacher, "if your father gave + you seven cents and your mother gave you six and your uncle + gave you four more, what would you have?"</p> + + <p>Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for + the space of several minutes.</p> + + <p>"Come, come," said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can + solve a simple little problem like that."</p> + + <p>"It ain't a simple problem at all," replied the boy. "I + can't make up my mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda or go + to the movies."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In Missouri, where they raise more mules and children than + in any other place in the world, a certain resident died + possessed of seventeen mules and three sons. In his will he + disposed of the mules as follows: One-half to the eldest son, + one-third to the next, and one-ninth to the youngest.</p> + + <p>The administrator who went to divide the property drove a + span of mules out to the farm, but when he went to divide the + seventeen into halves, thirds, and ninths he found it was + impossible with live mules; mules not being very valuable, he + unhitched one of his own, putting it with the other seventeen, + making eighteen, when he proceeded to divide as follows: + One-half, or nine to the eldest, one third, or six, to the next + son, and one-ninth, or two, to the youngest. Adding up nine, + six, two, he found that it made seventeen, so he hitched up his + mule and went home rejoicing.—<i>Ladies Home + Journal</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, Harold," said the teacher, "if there were eleven sheep + in a field and six jumped the fence how many would there be + left?"</p> + + <p>"None," replied Harold.</p> + + <p>"Why, but there would," said she.</p> + + <p>"No, ma'am, there wouldn't," persisted he. "You may know + arithmetic, but you don't know sheep."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One day, as Pat halted at the top of the river-bank, a man + famous for his inquisitive mind stopped and asked:</p> + + <p>"How long have you hauled water for the village, my good + man?"</p> + + <p>"Tin years, sor."</p> + + <p>"Ah, how many loads do you take in a day?"</p> + + <p>"From tin to fifteen, sor."</p> + + <p>"Ah, yes! Now I have a problem for you. How much water at + this rate have you hauled in all?"</p> + + <p>The driver of the watering-cart jerked his thumb backward + toward the river and replied:</p> + + <p>"All the water yez don't see there now, + sor."</p><a name="H_0032" + id="H_0032"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ARMIES</h2> + + <p>A sentry was giving close attention to his post in the + neighborhood of a British army camp in England, challenging + returning stragglers late after dark. The following is reported + as an incident to his vigil:</p> + + <p>"Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound of + approaching footsteps.</p> + + <p>"Coldstream Guards!" was the response.</p> + + <p>"Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry.</p> + + <p>"Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry.</p> + + <p>"Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen + pedestrian.</p> + + <p>"Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders!"</p> + + <p>"Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge.</p> + + <p>"None of your d—n business!" was the husky reply.</p> + + <p>"Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry.</p> + <hr /> + + <table summary="Increase and Decrease" + align="center" + width="100%"> + <caption> + <i>Things in the Army that</i> + </caption> + + <tr> + <td align="center"><i>Increase</i></td> + + <td align="center"><i>Decrease</i></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Your appetite.</td> + + <td align="left">Your surplus fat.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Your respect for the flag.</td> + + <td align="left">Your self-conceit.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Your love for your mother.</td> + + <td align="left">Your fastidiousness.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Your promptness.</td> + + <td align="left">Your selfishness.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Your democracy.</td> + + <td align="left">Your carelessness.</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="left">Your feet.</td> + + <td align="left">Your finances.</td> + </tr> + </table> + <hr /> + + <p>A few soldiers belonging to part of a Swiss regiment in + garrison at Basel went to a certain cafe for refreshments. One + of them sat down alone at a table. Later a civilian, a German, + joined him and the two began to talk war politics. "Would you + shoot on the Germans if they invaded Switzerland?" asked the + German.</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier.</p> + + <p>"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for + this brave man," ordered the civilian.</p> + + <p>"And your pals sitting at the next table—would they + also not shoot the Germans if they tried to invade this + country?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, never," retorted the Swiss.</p> + + <p>"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the + next table!" ordered the civilian.</p> + + <p>And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this + generally the view held in the Swiss Army in regard to a + possible German invasion? Are all the Swiss soldiers so + Germanophil?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," replied the soldier.</p> + + <p>"But why would you not shoot the Germans?"</p> + + <p>"Because we belong to the band."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OFFICER (to private)—"What are you doing down in that + shell-hole? Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to + one?"</p> + + <p>GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)—"Ay. Aa heard you; but + aa've killed ma fower."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The army must be a terrible place," said Aunt Samanthy, + looking up from the evening paper.</p> + + <p>"What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful + spouse.</p> + + <p>"Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and + meals is a mess."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being + asked what train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't + gonna take no train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se + gonna run the first eighteen, just to make sure they don't + change their minds befo' I leave camp."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into + the army, became a captain of a company and could not get into + the habit of calling his soldiers men, but invariably referred + to them as my "hands." Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his + commanding officer when the captain turned in a report of an + engagement, in which he said he "had the very good fortune to + have only one of my 'hands' shot through the nose."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Were you happy when you started for France?"</p> + + <p>"Happy? We were in transports."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Conscription; Military + discipline.</p><a name="H_0033" + id="H_0033"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ART AND ARTISTS</h2> + + <p>HENRY—"He may be a great artist, but he has a peculiar + way of doing things."</p> + + <p>HAPPY—"How's that?"</p> + + <p>HENRY—"He says he painted his greatest masterpiece on + an empty stomach."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Impressionistic</i></p> + + <p>Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into + the autumn salon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But + the painter, going to see his masterpiece with Whistler on + varnishing day, uttered an exclamation of dismay.</p> + + <p>"Good Heavens!" he cried, "you're exhibiting my picture + upside down."</p> + + <p>"Hush!" said Whistler. "The committee refused it the other + way."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"If you do good work, your work will grow after you are + gone."</p> + + <p>"That's a fact. Rubens left only some 2,000 pictures, but + there are 10,000 of his pictures in circulation now."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Luxurious tastes Richleigh has. He has a Corot in his + office."</p> + + <p>"That's nothing! I have a whistler in mine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two ladies, each with her child, visited the Chicago Art + Museum. As they passed the "Winged Victory" the little boy + exclaimed: "Huh! She ain't got no head." "Sh!" the horrified + little girl replied, "That's art; she don't need none!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One of those country gentlemen who owns a farm in Brown + County, but lives in Indianapolis and only spends his weekends + on the farm, asked one of his neighbors down in Brown county: + "Did you know that T. C. Steele sold the picture that he + painted on your farm?" The farmer made no reply to this, and + then the country gentleman told him the price Mr. Steele got + for the canvas. "I just wish I had known the feller liked the + place well enough to pay that for a picture of it," the farmer + said. "I'd a' sold him the farm for $200 less than that."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ARTIST—"Now, here's a picture—one of my best, + too—I've just finished. When I started out I had no idea + what it was going to be."</p> + + <p>FRIEND—"After you got through, how did you find out + what it was?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bessie is a bright one. The other day her teacher set her + and her schoolmates to drawing, letting them choose their own + subjects. After the teacher had examined what the other + children had drawn, she took up Bessie's sheet.</p> + + <p>"Why, what's this?" she said. "You haven't drawn anything at + all, child."</p> + + <p>"Please, teacher, yes, I have," returned Bessie. "It's a + war-picture-a long line of ammunition-wagons at the front. You + can't see 'em 'cause they're camouflaged."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mark Twain was visiting H.H. Rogers," said a New York + editor. "Mr. Rogers led the humorist into his library.</p> + + <p>"'There,' he said as he pointed to a bust of white marble. + 'What do you think of that?' It was a bust of a young woman + coiling her hair-a graceful example of Italian sculpture. Mr. + Clemens looked and then he said:</p> + + <p>"'It isn't true to nature."</p> + + <p>"'Why not?' Mr. Rogers asked.</p> + + <p>"'She ought to have her mouth full of hairpins,' said the + humorist."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Futurist art.</p><a name="H_0034" + id="H_0034"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ASTRONOMY</h2> + + <p>FINNEGAN—"Oh, yis, Oi can undershtand how thim + astronomers can calkilate th' distance av a shtarr, its weight, + and dinsity and color and all thot—but th' thing thot + gets me is, how th' divvle do they know its <i>name</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I think the stars do nod at me,</p> + + <p class="i2">But not when people are about;</p> + + <p>For they regard me curiously</p> + + <p class="i2">Whenever I go out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brothers, what is it ye mean,</p> + + <p class="i2">What is it ye try to say.</p> + + <p>That so earnestly ye lean</p> + + <p class="i2">From the spirit to the clay?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I may have been a star one day,</p> + + <p class="i2">One of the rebel host that fell,</p> + + <p>And they are nodding down to say.</p> + + <p class="i2">Come back to us from hell.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0035" + id="H_0035"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AUTHORS</h2> + + <p>A clever author is one who never asks what they are saying + when he is told that everybody is talking about his latest + book.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a + buxom Dutch girl to do the housework. Several weeks passed and + from seeing her master constantly about the house, the girl + received an erroneous impression.</p> + + <p>"Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank," she said to her mistress one day, + "but I like to say somedings."</p> + + <p>"Well, Rena?"</p> + + <p>The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, + "Veil, you pay me four tollars a veek—"</p> + + <p>"Yes, and I really can't pay you any more."</p> + + <p>"It's not dot," responded the girl; "but I be villing to + take tree tollars till—till your husband gets vork."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Kate Douglas Wiggin's choicest possession, she says, is a + letter which she once received from the superintendent of a + home for the feeble-minded. He spoke in glowing terms of the + pleasure with which the "inmates" had read her little book, + "Marm Lisa," and ended thus superbly:</p> + + <p>"In fact, madam, I think I may safely say that you are the + favorite author of the feeble-minded!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Harold Jenks, a syndicate editor of Denver, was talking + about the low rates paid by the magazines.</p> + + <p>"They who write for newspaper syndicates, where their work + appears simultaneously in forty or fifty newspapers all over + the country," said Mr. Jenks, "make a good deal of money. Of + course, the magazine writer, beside such men, isn't one, two, + three.</p> + + <p>"A seedy magazine writer dropped in on me this morning to + borrow a quarter. As he left, he said:</p> + + <p>"'Jenks, old man, the difference between a hen and a + magazine writer is this—while they both scratch for a + living, the hen gets hers.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Consolation</i></p> + + <p>"How did your novel come out?"</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the self-confident man, "it proved beyond + all doubt that it isn't one of these trashy best-sellers."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The late Ambassador Walter Hines Page was formerly editor of + The World's Work and, like all editors, was obliged to refuse a + great many stories. A lady once wrote him:</p> + + <p>"<i>Sir</i>: you sent back last week a story of mine. I know + that you did not read the story, for as a test I had pasted + together pages 18, 19, and 20, and the story came back with + these pages still pasted; and so I know you are a fraud and + turn down stories without reading same."</p> + + <p>Mr. Page wrote back:</p> + + <p>"<i>Madame</i>: At breakfast when I open an egg I don't have + to eat the whole egg to discover it is bad."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The great novelist summoned his publisher to his luxurious + home.</p> + + <p>"Have your salesmen," he asked, "prepared for their + semi-annual trip among the down-trodden booksellers?"</p> + + <p>"They have."</p> + + <p>"Has your publicity man written the usual biographical + notices and arranged for a series of dinners in my honor?"</p> + + <p>"He has."</p> + + <p>"Have your great minds selected a title for my forthcoming + work?"</p> + + <p>"Indeed, yes."</p> + + <p>"Then what do you want me to write about?"</p> + + <p>The publisher drew from his pocket a paper.</p> + + <p>"Here is a wonderful plot," he replied. "It has every + element—maudlin sentiment, mystery, touches of your + characteristic humor, profound insight—everything."</p> + + <p>The great author was conservative. He had had + experience.</p> + + <p>"I haven't time to read it just now," he said. "But are you + sure? How do you know that it is any good?"</p> + + <p>"Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good. Why, + my dear sir, it has met with the unqualified approval of every + member of our motion-picture department."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PUBLISHER—"How are you going to introduce accurate + local color in your new story of life in Thibet? You've never + been there."</p> + + <p>THE EMINENT AUTHOR—"Neither has any of my + public."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you got your poem printed?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the author. "I sent the first stanza to the + editor of the Correspondence Column with the inquiry, 'Can + anyone give me the rest of this poem?' Then I sent in the + complete poem over another name!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Ye think a fine lot of Shakespeare?"</p> + + <p>"I do, sir," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"An' ye think he was mair clever than Rabbie Burns?"</p> + + <p>"Why, there's no comparison between them."</p> + + <p>"Maybe, no; but ye tell us it was Shakespeare who wrote + 'Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.' Now, Rabbie would + never hae sic nonsense as that."</p> + + <p>"Nonsense, sir!" thundered the other.</p> + + <p>"Ay, just nonsense. Rabbie would hae kent fine that a king + or queen either disna ganga to bed wi' a croon on their head. + He'd hae kent they hang it over the back o' a chair."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HOSTESS—"I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is + anything vainer than you authors about the things you + write."</p> + + <p>HIGHBROW—"There is, madam; our efforts to sell + them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"No," said the honest man, "I was never strong at + literature. To save my life I could not tell you who wrote + 'Gray's Elegy.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HENLEY—"How are you getting on with your writing for + the magazines?"</p> + + <p>PENLEY—"Just holding my own. They send me back as much + as I send them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Wouldn't it be pleasant if so many authors didn't:</p> + + <p>Let their characters converse for hours without any + identification tags, so that you have to turn back three pages + and number off odd speeches in order to find out who's + talking.</p> + + <p>Overwork the "smart" atmosphere, the suspension points and + the seasonal epidemics of such words as "gripping," "virile," + "intrigue," "gesture," etc.</p> + + <p>Stick up a periscope every now and then, like, "Little did + he think how dearly this trifling error was to cost him," or + "She was to meet this man again, under strange + circumstances."</p> + + <p>Apply a large hunk of propaganda, like an ice bag, just + where the plot ought to rush ahead.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDITOR—"Historically, this story is incorrect."</p> + + <p>AUTHOR—"But hysterically it is one of the best things + I have ever done."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in + Hannibal, Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if + he knew where Huckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of + the gemmen." Then he said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" + "No, sah, I never met the gemmen." "But surely you have heard + of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah, I've never met him, but I've + voted for him twice."</p><a name="H_0036" + id="H_0036"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AUTHORSHIP</h2> + + <p>TED—"I was tempted to read his book by the + advertisements, but I was disappointed."</p> + + <p>NED—"That's only natural. The advertisements are + better written than the book."</p><a name="H_0037" + id="H_0037"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS</h2> + + <p>"Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" + said the missus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, + isn't it?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning + out, the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which + appeared in a newspaper recently:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Here lies the body of William Jay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who died maintaining his right of + way;</p> + + <p>He was right, dead right, as he sped along,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he's just as dead as if he'd been + wrong."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was + called the judge asked what the charges were against the + prisoner.</p> + + <p>"Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who + had made the arrest.</p> + + <p>"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing + that seemed suspicious?"</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the + speed limit, sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on + the right side of the street, so I arrested him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?"</p> + + <p>"Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a + picture post-card of a hospital."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the + roadside, bearing in his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A + second car approached and stopped, whereon the tourist reached + for his pocketbook and asked in an embarrassed manner, "How + much?"</p> + + <p>"One dollar," said the newcomer, and then, after receiving + payment, remarked, "This is a fine field of corn. Wonder who it + belongs to?"</p><a name="H_0038" + id="H_0038"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING</h2> + + <p>"Has this car got a speedometer?" asked an old gentleman to + the auctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales. The + auctioneer was equal to the occasion and replied: "At thirty + miles an hour it exhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red + flag, and at fifty miles a gramophone begins to play, 'I'm + going to be an angel, and with the angels dwell'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and + Lincoln split rails."</p> + + <p>"I know, dad; but say, did any of these Presidents ever + crank a cold motor in a blizzard for half an hour before he + discovered that he didn't have any gasoline?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The time to buy a used car is just before you move, so + people in the new neighborhood will think you were the one who + used it.</p> + + <p>"I understand that you have a new motor-car."</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Do you drive it yourself?"</p> + + <p>"Nobody drives it. We coax it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We deny ourselves much. I am saving to build a house."</p> + + <p>"Is your wife cheerful about it?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes. She thinks we're saving for an automobile."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SHE—"Tell me, is an F.O.B. Detroit a reliable + car?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I have never owned any automobiles," said the man who + hadn't yet paid for his home, "but I can say one thing in + praise of them."</p> + + <p>"What is that?" inquired Henderson.</p> + + <p>"They have made mortgages + respectable."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I see Smith is building a garage. When did he get a + car?"</p> + + <p>"He hasn't got one yet, but he's got an option on ten + gallons of gasoline."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An irate customer complained to her butcher about finding + pieces of rubber in the sausage meat and demanded an + explanation. The butcher said, "It is only another proof of how + the automobile is taking the place of the horse."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hello, old top. New car?"</p> + + <p>"No! Old car, new top."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A farmer was recently arguing with a French chauffeur, who + had slackened up at an inn, regarding the merits of the horse + and the motor-car.</p> + + <p>"Give me a 'orse," remarked the farmer; "them traveling + oil-shops is too uncertain fer my likin'."</p> + + <p>"Eet is prejudice, my friend." the chauffeur replied; "you + Engleesh are behind ze times; you will think deefairent some + day."</p> + + <p>"Behind the times be blowed!" came the retort; "p'r'aps nex' + time the Proosians are round Paris and you have to git your + dinner off a steak from the 'ind wheel of a motor-car, you + Frenshmen'll wish you wasn't so bloomin' well up-to-date!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle.</p> + + <p>"That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you + would save in car-fare, and all that, if you had your own + machine," replied Teggard, who had been worked just that + way.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An automobile show is a place to which car owners go to hear + the exhibitors confirm their judgment.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I've stopped riding horseback and got a second-hand + car."</p> + + <p>"Need more exercise?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I suppose you think I'm foolish enough to buy that + broken-down old automobile!"</p> + + <p>"Broken-down nothing! With the exception of a busted + drive-shaft, a cracked crank-case, a loose steering-wheel, a + bum battery, a dilapidated differential and faulty ignition, it + is just as good as new. Outside of buying four sets of tires, + three new springs, a new top, two rear axles, a couple of + batteries, having the valves ground sixteen times, the clutch + tightened every week and the self-starter repaired now and + then, I have never spent one cent for repairs. The old boat + hasn't been run a mile over one hundred thousand, will average + fourteen gallons to the mile, and absolutely will not exceed + twenty-five miles an hour. It has an extra-fine new coat of + paint, and is fully equipped with a hand pump and switch-key. + Because of the difficulty in shifting gears, I absolutely + guarantee your wife will never be able to drive it, + and—"</p> + + <p>"Never mind the rest. I'll take it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I thought you owned an automobile."</p> + + <p>"I do, but I taught the wife to drive it, and now I'm back + to the street-cars."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Say, Rastus, I done see de funniest thing t'day."</p> + + <p>"How come, niggah?"</p> + + <p>"I seed an ottermobile with its reah license B—4."</p> + + <p>"Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak + that."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every + darned horse balks at the same time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BILL—"Just happened to run into an old friend + down-town."</p> + + <p>PHIL—"Was he glad to see you?"</p> + + <p>BILL—"You bet not. I smashed his whole right + fender."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My brother bought a motor here last week," said an angry + man to the salesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said + if anything broke you would supply him with new parts."</p> + + <p>"Certainly," said the salesman. "What does he want?"</p> + + <p>"He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one + elbow, and about half a yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he + wants them at once."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An elderly lady of very prim and severe aspect was seated + next a young couple, who were discussing the merits of their + motor-cars.</p> + + <p>"What color is your body?" asked the young man of the girl + at his side, meaning of course, the body of her motor.</p> + + <p>"Oh, mine is pink. What is yours?"</p> + + <p>"Mine," replied the man, "is brown with wide yellow + stripes."</p> + + <p>This was too much for the old lady. Rising from the table, + she exclaimed:</p> + + <p>"When young people come to asking each other the color of + their bodies at a dinner-party, it is time I left the + room."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why didn't you stop when I signaled you?" inquired the + officer.</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Mr. Chuggins, "it had taken me two hours to + get this old flivver started, and it seemed a shame to stop her + merely to avoid a little thing like being arrested."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Who Can Tell?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dear Sirs,—About the engine. Well,</p> + + <p>We write to let you know</p> + + <p>We've waded through the booklet on</p> + + <p>"What Makes the Engine Go."</p> + + <p>It took us close on half a day</p> + + <p>To read through all the guff;</p> + + <p>The engine goes all right, but don't</p> + + <p>Keep goin' long enough.</p> + + <p>It's very good to understand</p> + + <p>What makes the engine go.</p> + + <p>But why the deuce the d—— thing + stops</p> + + <p>Is what we want to know.</p> + + <p>So now we're making this request,</p> + + <p>While tears and curses drop,</p> + + <p>Please send along a booklet on</p> + + <p>What Makes the Engine Stop.</p> + + <p>The folk around here all await</p> + + <p>With interest your reply:</p> + + <p>To them the reasons why she goes</p> + + <p>Don't seem to signify.</p> + + <p>So while we wait and chew the cud</p> + + <p>Don't let the matter flop;</p> + + <p>For Gawd's sake write and let us know</p> + + <p>What makes the blighter stop.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Fords; Garages; Horses; + Reputation.</p><a name="H_0039" + id="H_0039"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>AVIATION</h2> + + <p>TOMMY (to Aviator)—"What is the most deadly poison + known?"</p> + + <p>AVIATOR—"Aviation poison."</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"How much does it take to kill a person?"</p> + + <p>AVIATOR—"One drop!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ENTHUSIASTIC AVIATOR (after long explanation of principle + and workings of his biplane)—"Now, you understand it, + don't you?"</p> + + <p>YOUNG LADY—"All but one thing."</p> + + <p>AVIATOR—"And that is—?"</p> + + <p>YOUNG LADY—"What makes it stay up?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ENTHUSIAST—"Don't the spectators tire you with the + questions they ask?"</p> + + <p>AVIATOR—"Yes. What else do you want to know?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MANDY—"Rastus, you all knows dat yo' remind me of dem + dere flyin' machines?"</p> + + <p>RASTUS—"No, Mandy, how's dat?"</p> + + <p>MANDY—"Why becays youse no good on + earth."</p><a name="H_0040" + id="H_0040"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BACHELORS</h2> + + <p>It is a safe guess that the man who pokes fun at a woman for + shopping all day and not buying anything isn't married.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MADGE—"You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor + unless you know."</p> + + <p>MARJORIE—"But I do know; I confirmed him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is + claimed that bachellors generally have better + quarters.</p><a name="H_0041" + id="H_0041"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BAGGAGE</h2> + + <p>TOMMY (just off train, with considerable + luggage)—"Cabby, how much is it for me to Latchford?"</p> + + <p>CABBY—"Two shillings, sir."</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"How much for my luggage?"</p> + + <p>CABBY—"Free, sir."</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"Take the luggage, I'll + walk."</p><a name="H_0042" + id="H_0042"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BALDNESS</h2> + + <p>BALD HEADED GUEST—"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses + you?"</p> + + <p>YOUNG HOPEFUL—"Nothing; only mother has put a brush + and comb in your bedroom."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SCEPTIC—"If you have such an infallible remedy for + baldness, why don't you use it?"</p> + + <p>SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)—"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my + appearance to bring 'ome to clients the 'orror of + 'airlessness."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest + optimist I ever met," said the druggist.</p> + + <p>"That so?" asked the customer.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair + restorer he bought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush + because he felt sure he'd need them in a few days."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were + condoling with each other on their increasing baldness.</p> + + <p>"Well," said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain + workers who lose their hair."</p> + + <p>"Yes," Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. + Isn't that so, Sam?" appealing to the porter.</p> + + <p>"Well, I dunno 'bout dat," the darky replied. "My granddad + said dat an empty bahn doan need no cover."</p><a name="H_0043" + id="H_0043"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BANKS AND BANKING</h2> + + <p>Before the passage of the present strict banking laws in + Wisconsin, starting a bank was a comparatively simple + proposition. The surprizingly small amount of capital needed is + well illustrated by the story a prosperous country-town banker + told on himself, when asked how he happened to enter the + banking business:</p> + + <p>"Well," he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented + an empty store building and painted BANK on the window. The + first day I was open for business a man came in and deposited a + hundred dollars with me; the second day another man dropped in + and deposited two hundred and fifty; and so, by George, along + about the third day I got confidence enough in the bank to put + in a hundred myself!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam + deposited ten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw + out his money. When he presented his check the colored cashier + looked at it doubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money + in dis here bank, but I'll look on de books an' make sure." In + a minute he came back and said: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; + but, nigger, de interes' done eat up dat money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to + put my money is in a bad way."</p> + + <p>"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's + one of the strongest banks in the country. What in the world + gives you that idea?"</p> + + <p>"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for + $30 marked 'No funds.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See + here, son, I want to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give + you half a dollar if you direct me to it."</p> + + <p>With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along," and + he led the man to a building a half-block away.</p> + + <p>The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was + a half-dollar easily earned."</p> + + <p>"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that + bank-directors is paid high in Noo Yawk."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My + account at the bank is already overdrawn."</p> + + <p>SHE—"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why + don't you keep your account in a bank that has plenty of + money?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and + asked the cashier to discount his note. The bank cashier + said:</p> + + <p>"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some + one you know, a responsible man, to indorse it."</p> + + <p>Cohen said to the cashier: "You know me, und you're + responsible; you indorse it."</p><a name="H_0044" + id="H_0044"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BAPTISM</h2> + + <p>"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had + recently been baptized.</p> + + <p>"Sure I do," piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in + swimming with the preacher last Sunday."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went + well until Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously + turned to his mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you + going to keep?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up + beautifully into the clergyman's face.</p> + + <p>"Well, madam," said he to the young wife, "I must + congratulate you on your little one's behavior. I have + christened more than 2,000 babies, but I never before + christened one that behaved so well as yours."</p> + + <p>The young mother smiled demurely, and said:</p> + + <p>"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been + practising on him for the last ten days."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving + a lesson on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two + things necessary to baptism?"</p> + + <p>"Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In a small country church, not long since a little child was + brought forward for baptism. The young minister, taking the + little one in his arms, spoke as follows:</p> + + <p>"Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this + little child. He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir + Isaac Newton, or a great labor leader like John Burns; and it + is possible he might become the prime minister of England."</p> + + <p>Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the + child?"</p> + + <p>"Mary Ann," was the reply.</p><a name="H_0045" + id="H_0045"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BAPTISTS</h2> + + <p>The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a + preacher for the new church.</p> + + <p>"Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?"</p> + + <p>"Why, no, not necessarily. Why?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water + twelve miles."</p><a name="H_0046" + id="H_0046"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BARGAINS</h2> + + <p>A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the + street: "Why, Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you + were going south for your health."</p> + + <p>"I was," said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a + lovely bargain in operations—a major operation for one + thousand dollars—and of course I can't resist that."</p> + + <p>"How much vas dose collars?"</p> + + <p>"Two for a quarter."</p> + + <p>"How much for vun?"</p> + + <p>"Fifteen cents."</p> + + <p>"Giff me de odder vun."</p> + + <p>"Ikey," said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for + 'a bargain'?"</p> + + <p>"Sure I can," smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the + best of them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to + him by his hopeful.</p> + + <p>"How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in + your studies for the month of January than for December?"</p> + + <p>Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in + an injured tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down + after the holidays?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches + both parties to the trade.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and + thought he would be funny at his expense.</p> + + <p>"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for a + shilling."</p> + + <p>"Will ye, now?" said Pat.</p> + + <p>"Yes," he replied.</p> + + <p>The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put + eight pence into his palm in return.</p> + + <p>"Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?"</p> + + <p>"No," answered Pat; "but the shilling + is!"</p><a name="H_0047" + id="H_0047"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BASEBALL</h2> + + <p>"Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's + luxury." The small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being + something you can do without.-Puck.</p> + + <p>At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a + visiting team of similar color a negro preacher was acting as + umpire. The pitcher had gone rather wild, and had permitted all + the bases to fill. Another man came to the bat, and the nervous + pitcher shot one over.</p> + + <p>"Ball one," yelled the ump.</p> + + <p>The pitcher tried again.</p> + + <p>"Ball two," was the decision.</p> + + <p>Another effort by the hurler.</p> + + <p>"Ball three," said the umpire.</p> + + <p>The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort + to save the day.</p> + + <p>"Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out."</p> + + <p>"How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter.</p> + + <p>"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's + nowhere else to put you?" reasoned the umpire.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked + one player. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, + although he said he had never played before. He went to the bat + and the first ball pitched he knocked over the fence. Every one + stood and watched the ball, even the batter. Excitedly they + told him to run. "Shucks!" he said, "what's the use of running, + I'll buy you another ball."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the + "fan" was explaining the different plays as they were being + made.</p> + + <p>"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the + "fan."</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, + but also a very dangerous game."</p> + + <p>"Dangerous nothing," replied the fan.</p> + + <p>Just then a runner was put out at second base.</p> + + <p>"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman.</p> + + <p>"Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the + fan.</p> + + <p>"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it + was a dangerous game."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They arrived at the fifth inning.</p> + + <p>"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan.</p> + + <p>"Nothing to nothing," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At the base ball game.</p> + + <p>SHE—"What's the man running for?"</p> + + <p>HE—"He hit the ball."</p> + + <p>SHE—"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, + and during the play, when he happened to look away for a + moment, a foul tip caught him on the ear and knocked him + senseless. On coming to himself, he asked faintly, "What was + it?"</p> + + <p>"A foul—only a foul!"</p> + + <p>"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a + mule."</p><a name="H_0048" + id="H_0048"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BATHS AND BATHING</h2> + + <p>"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as + his mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get + rid o' me, don't you?"</p> + + <p>"Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put + such an idea into your mind?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're + tryin' to rub me out."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PA—"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp + of ours stop winking his eyes."</p> + + <p>MA—"Really?"</p> + + <p>PA—"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science + magazine where it says that every time we wink we give the eye + a bath."</p><a name="H_0049" + id="H_0049"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BEAUTY, PERSONAL</h2> + + <p>"Is she very pretty?"</p> + + <p>"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising + is a total loss."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an + ape."</p> + + <p>The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty + disdain.</p> + + <p>"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," + was his reply as he turned back to work.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to + the toast, 'None but the brave deserves the fair.'"</p> + + <p>"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is + an utter coward, or that he isn't getting what is his due."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at + a Chinese laundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he + noticed some Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, + pointing to the lettering:</p> + + <p>"That's my name, I suppose?"</p> + + <p>"No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' + man, closs-eyed, no + teeth.'"—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p><a name="H_0050" + id="H_0050"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BEGGING</h2> + + <p>"Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been + a-tellin' that feller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep + outdoors."</p> + + <p>"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other.</p> + + <p>"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to + pay the doctor for tellin' him to do it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR—"Do you think it looks like rain, + Bill?"</p> + + <p>BLIND BEGGAR—"I dasn't look up to see—here comes + one o' my best customers!"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He who begs timidly courts a + refusal.—<i>Seneca</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, + remarking curtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside."</p> + + <p>"Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at + home and in clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when + donnin' me dress suit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't + await dinner fer me tonight. I'm dinin' + out.'"</p><a name="H_0051" + id="H_0051"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BEQUESTS</h2> + + <p>"There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, + pointing to a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt + front. "A friend of mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. + I being his best friend, he sent for me and said:</p> + + <p>"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm + worth a lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and + my other friends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this + money and when I'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.'</p> + + <p>"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I + bought this stone. But how can I give it to him when he's + dead?"</p><a name="H_0052" + id="H_0052"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BETTING</h2> + + <p>"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see + you taking as much interest in politics as you formerly took in + racing."</p> + + <p>"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest + in politics."</p> + + <p>"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you + do?"</p> + + <p>"Why shouldn't you?"</p> + + <p>"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the + other one. It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the + other of us has at last succeeded in picking a winner."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see + his first horse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided + to risk one dollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that + looked like the largest percentage of gain. By a miracle his + horse won, and upon handing his ticket to the bookmaker, he + received forty dollars.</p> + + <p>"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being + assured that he did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this + been going on?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in + contempt said: "Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to + the fifth story in me hod."</p> + + <p>Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see + ye thry thot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it."</p> + + <p>Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up + the ladder. When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped + and he almost fell. He regained his footing, however, and + reached the fifth story in triumph.</p> + + <p>"Oi won!" he said.</p> + + <p>"Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer + foot slipped."</p><a name="H_0053" + id="H_0053"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BIBLE INTERPRETATION</h2> + + <p>Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax on + automobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant + work. It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at + Ocean Grove who took a little girl on his knee, and said:</p> + + <p>"'I don't love you, Nellie.'"</p> + + <p>All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but + little Nellie frowned and said:</p> + + <p>"'You've got to love me. You've got to.'"</p> + + <p>"'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine.</p> + + <p>"'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them + that hate you—and I hate you, goodness knows!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the + good deacon.</p> + + <p>"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived + so close," replied the mere man.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIE—"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor + hard?"</p> + + <p>PAW—"Because so many people have tramped on it, my + son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, + and after looking at him intently for a time she said:</p> + + <p>"Grandpa, were you in the ark?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly not, my dear," answered the astonished old + man.</p> + + <p>"Then why weren't you drowned?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too + helpful. At last it became so embarrassing that he left.</p> + + <p>Not long afterward—he met the curate who had succeeded + him.</p> + + <p>"Well," he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, very well indeed," said the other. "There is safety in + numbers, you know."</p> + + <p>"Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in + Exodus."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic:</p> + + <p>"The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am + afraid, the religious knowledge of little Eve.</p> + + <p>"'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said + to little Eve."</p> + + <p>"'Oh, yes, sir.'"</p> + + <p>"'And you know your Bible?'"</p> + + <p>"'Oh, yes, sir.'"</p> + + <p>"'Could you perhaps tell me something that is in it?'"</p> + + <p>"'I could tell you everything that's in it.'"</p> + + <p>"'Indeed,' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then.'"</p> + + <p>"'Sister's beau's photo is in it,' said little Eve, + promptly, 'and ma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a + lock of my hair cut off when I was a baby is in it, and the + ticket for pa's watch is in it.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth + commandment by stealing James's candy?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth + commandment and have the candy as to break the tenth and only + 'covet' it."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, + to whom the elderly negro had applied for a job.</p> + + <p>"Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't + smaht enough to expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to + deff tryin' to explain de true meanin' uv de line what says 'De + Gospel am free.' Dem fool niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah + wuzn't to git no salary."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting + some of the leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the + morning lesson, which might have been as follows:</p> + + <p>"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of + Belial." (He turned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height + and ten cubits in breadth." (A pause and careful scrutiny of + the former page.)</p> + + <p>He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. + (Leaf turned.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten + cubits in breadth, and was pitched within and without—" + (Painful pause and sounds of subdued mirth.) "Prexy" turns back + again in perplexity.</p> + + <p>"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and + wonderfully made'—and woman also."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Drinking.</p><a name="H_0054" + id="H_0054"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BIGAMY</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Bugamist.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A June bug married an angleworm;</p> + + <p class="i2">An accident cut her in two.</p> + + <p>They charged the bug with bigamy;</p> + + <p class="i2">Now what could the poor thing do?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Punch Bowl</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address:</p> + + <p>"The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It + reminds me of a certain Kansas City police court.</p> + + <p>"A policeman rose in this court to testify against a + prisoner.</p> + + <p>"'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate + demanded.</p> + + <p>"'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three + wives.'</p> + + <p>"'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that + ain't bigotry. That's trigonometry!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I left my money at home," said the lady on the train to the + conductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the + directors' wives."</p> + + <p>"I am sorry, madam," replied the conductor. "I can't do + that, even if you were the director's only + wife."</p><a name="H_0055" + id="H_0055"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BILLS</h2> + + <p>COLLECTOR—"Did you look at that little bill I left + yesterday, sir?"</p> + + <p>HOUSE MEMBER—"Yes; it has passed the first + reading."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of + long standing. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher + on the street and, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to + ask why he had ceased sending around for his order.</p> + + <p>"Why, Mr. Webster," said the tradesman, "I did not think you + would want to deal with me when I've brought suit against + you."</p> + + <p>"Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for + heaven's sake don't try to starve me to death!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much + meat."</p> + + <p>"Did you laugh him to scorn?'"</p> + + <p>"I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he + was right."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TOMMY—"Why do the ducks dive?"</p> + + <p>HARP—"Guess they must want to liquidate their + bills."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. + One day he set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The + goods were shipped immediately; and as Bill had lingered in New + York sightseeing, they reached Croyden Four Corners before him. + The goods in an enormous packing-case were driven to the + general store by the local teamster. Mrs. Sprague came out to + see what had arrived and, with a shriek, tottered and fell.</p> + + <p>"Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl.</p> + + <p>Mrs Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the + packing-case, whereon was stenciled in large black letters: + "BILL INSIDE."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like + being decisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had + an "account rendered" returned to him with the following reply + scrawled across the billhead: "Dear Sir—I never ordered + this beastly book. If I did, you didn't send it. If you sent + it, I never got it. If I got it, I paid for it. If I didn't, I + won't. Now go and hang yourself, you fathead.—Yours very + respectfully, John Jones."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PATIENT—"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me + up—something to put me in fighting-trim. Did you put + anything like that in this prescription?"</p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"No. You will find that in the + bill."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Debts; Collecting of + accounts.</p><a name="H_0056" + id="H_0056"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BLUFFING</h2> + + <p>VISITOR (at private hospital)—"Can I see Lieutenant + Barker, please?"</p> + + <p>MATRON—"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask + if you're a relative?"</p> + + <p>VISITOR (boldly)—"Oh, yes! I'm his sister."</p> + + <p>MATRON—"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his + mother."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just + when to bluff.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the + seventh time the driver climbed down from his seat and opened + and slammed the rear door.</p> + + <p>"What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose + curiosity had got the better of him.</p> + + <p>"Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer," cautioned + the driver. "Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks + some one has got down, and it starrts 'er up quicker + loike."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a + United States senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle + more than three hundred and fifty pounds.</p> + + <p>On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, + he barely caught the midnight train, and discovered that the + only berth left was an upper. Having learned from experience + that the process of coiling up his three hundred and fifty + pounds and his six feet three inches in an upper berth was + tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularly enraged when + he noticed that the lower directly under his berth was occupied + by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than a hundred + and twenty.</p> + + <p>Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them + vigorously, growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to + the porter:</p> + + <p>"So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I + did that it was on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the + blamed thing broke down and mashed the man under me. Throw that + grip up there, and I hope to Heaven the berth will hold + me."</p> + + <p>Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar.</p> + + <p>When he returned, the little man was in the upper.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>As it is</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Weep and you are called a baby,</p> + + <p class="i4">Laugh and you are called a fool,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yield and you're called a coward,</p> + + <p class="i4">Stand and you're called a mule,</p> + + <p class="i2">Smile and they'll call you silly,</p> + + <p class="i4">Frown and they'll call you gruff,</p> + + <p class="i2">Put on a front like a millionaire,</p> + + <p class="i4">And somebody calls you a bluff.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the + beginning of his professional life: "I had just installed + myself in my office," he said, "had put in a phone and had + preened myself for my first client who might come along when, + through the glass of my door I saw a shadow. Yes, it was + doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then, grabbing the + nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into an + imaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. + S.,' I was saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll + attend to that corporation matter for you. Mr. J. had me on the + phone this morning and wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I + had to put him off, as I was too busy with other cases. But + I'll manage to sandwich your case in between the others + somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby.' Being sure, then, that I + had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung up the + receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir,' the man said, + 'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect your + instrument.'"</p><a name="H_0057" + id="H_0057"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOARD OF HEALTH</h2> + + <p>Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman + came across the wooden barricade which is placed around the + inclosure where immigrants suspected of suffering from + contagious diseases are isolated.</p> + + <p>"Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander.</p> + + <p>"Oh," was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things + like that, you know."</p> + + <p>"Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of + health, but bejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen + it!"</p><a name="H_0058" + id="H_0058"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOARDING HOUSES</h2> + + <p>The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A + boarder who had been there for some time, because he could not + get away, was standing in the hall when the landlord rang the + dinner-bell. Whereupon an old dog that was lying outside on a + rug commenced to howl mournfully.</p> + + <p>The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What + on earth are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room + looked cozy and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the + heart of the "star" boarder. He turned to the landlady and + murmured. "Will you be my wife?"</p> + + <p>"Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four + years. You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to + pay my bill promptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. + You're too good a boarder to be put on the free + list!"</p><a name="H_0059" + id="H_0059"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOASTING</h2> + + <p>The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard + from the other engine drivers at his boarding-house. One + evening he began:</p> + + <p>"This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at + our place, and it's astonishing how it works."</p> + + <p>"And how does it work?" asked one.</p> + + <p>"Well," was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a + fulcrumed lever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a + circular movement. The principal part of the machine is a huge + disk that revolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied + through the axis of the disk, and work is done on the + periphery, and the hardest steel by mere impact may be reduced + to any shape."</p> + + <p>"What is this wonderful machine?" was asked.</p> + + <p>"A grindstone," was the reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent.</p> + + <p>"You know I never boast," the opponent began.</p> + + <p>"Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added + quietly, "No wonder you brag about it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They are mighty proud of their one sky-scraper up in + Seattle.</p> + + <p>It is a long, skinny building that stands on one leg like a + stork and blinks down disdainfully from its thousand windows on + ordinary fifteen-story shacks.</p> + + <p>A San Francisco man recently in that city was incautious + enough to express surprise.</p> + + <p>"What are those posts sticking out all the way up?" he asked + a Seattleite.</p> + + <p>"Those are mile-posts," said the Seattle man.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman + when a group of men from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and + began to praise their city to the Vermonter, telling him of its + wide streets and beautiful avenues. Finally the Vermonter + became tired and said the only thing that would improve their + city would be to make it a seaport.</p> + + <p>The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how + they could make it a seaport, being so far from the ocean.</p> + + <p>The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task.</p> + + <p>"The only thing that you will have to do," said he, "is to + lay a two-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then + if you fellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have + it a seaport inside half an hour."</p><a name="H_0060" + id="H_0060"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOLSHEVISM</h2> + + <p>"The reason you disapprove of Bolshevism is that you don't + understand it."</p> + + <p>"Probably. Every time I get with Bolshevists and think I am + beginning to understand, they start a riot and take my mind off + the subject."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There's just one thing the Bolshevik in America can do + well—he can dampen the fire under the Melting Pot!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bolshevism—A blow-out on the tire of + world-politics.</p><a name="H_0061" + id="H_0061"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOOKS AND READING</h2> + + <p>A student assistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the + public library, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged + woman who said that she had finished reading the last of Laura + Jean Libby's writings, and that she should like something just + as good.</p> + + <p>The young assistant, unable for the moment to think of Laura + Jean Libby's equal, hastily scanned the shelf on which she was + working and, choosing a book, offered it to the applicant, + saying, "Perhaps you would like this, 'A Kentucky + Cardinal.'"</p> + + <p>"No," was the reply, "I don't care for theological + works."</p> + + <p>"But," explained the kindly assistant, with needless + enthusiasm, "this cardinal was a bird!"</p> + + <p>"That would not recommend him to me," said the woman, as she + moved away in search of a librarian who should be a better + judge of character as well as of Laura Jean Libby's peers.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Books are the legacies that genius leaves to mankind, to be + delivered down from generation to generation, as presents to + the posterity of those that are yet + unborn.—<i>Addison</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Are you interested in a loose-leaf encyclopedia?"</p> + + <p>"Nope, got one."</p> + + <p>"Indeed! Whose?"</p> + + <p>"The Britannica."</p> + + <p>"Didn't know they published a loose-leaf edition."</p> + + <p>"Huh! You ought to see mine after the children had used the + volumes as building blocks a few years."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A dressy lady asked one of the assistants for an up-to-date + story such as "Women men love" or the "Adventures of Anne." The + assistant selected a story which she thought this type of + reader would appreciate. After a few minutes the dressy lady + again appeared with the book open, and pointing to a quotation + on the title page said "I would like this book or any other by + Proverbs." The astonished assistant read the quotation which + was, "who can find a virtuous woman, her price is far above + rubies." <i>Proverbs</i> 31:10.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. + "Just as far as the book is dirty, ma'am."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Our youngest borrower is a little boy of three who reads + surprisingly well for one so young and selects his own books + from the children's room. The other day, however, his mother + complained that lately he has become "lazy" and refuses to + read. As we stood talking the little chap ran joyfully toward + her waving a picture book that had been made at the branch and + said, "No words Mother, no words."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If this is borrowed by a friend</p> + + <p class="i2">Right welcome shall he be;</p> + + <p>To read, to study, not to lend</p> + + <p class="i2">But to return to me.</p> + + <p>Not that imparted knowledge doth</p> + + <p class="i2">Diminish learning's store,</p> + + <p>But books, I find, if often lent,</p> + + <p class="i2">Return to me no more.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Books are keys to wisdom's treasures;</p> + + <p class="i2">Books are gates to lands of pleasure;</p> + + <p>Books are paths that upward lead;</p> + + <p class="i2">Books are friends, come, let us + read."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>When I consider what some books have done for the world, and + what they are doing, how they keep up our hope, awaken new + courage and faith, soothe pain, give an ideal life to those + whose hours are cold and hard, bind together distant ages and + foreign lands, create new worlds of beauty, bring down Truth + from heaven; I give eternal blessings for this gift and thank + God for books.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Dooley says "Books is f'r thim that can't inj'ye + thimsilves in anny other way. If ye're in good health, an ar-re + atin' three squares a day, an' not ayether sad or very much in + love with ye'er lot, but just lookin' on an' not carin' a rush, + ye don't need books," he says.</p> + + <p>"But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' + can't, ye need books."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>1921—"Did you see that movie called 'Oliver Twist'?" + FROSH—"Yes, and say, wouldn't that make a peach of a + book?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Young Isaac stood in line at the library to draw out a book. + When his turn came he asked, respectfully, "Please give me Miss + Alcott's Jew book."</p> + + <p>The young lady looked puzzled. "A book by Miss Louisa M. + Alcott?" she queried.</p> + + <p>"Yes," reiterated Isaac, "her Jew book."</p> + + <p>"Can you remember the title?"</p> + + <p>"No; but it's her Jew book," he insisted.</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll read over some of the titles of her books to + you, and perhaps you can tell me the one you want when you hear + it read." Patiently she began, "<i>Little Women, Little Men, + Under the Lilacs, Rose in Bloom</i>—"</p> + + <p>"That's it, that's it!" cried + Isaac—"<i>Rosenbloom</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A MAID (handing up two books to a library + assistant)—"Will you change these two books, please, for + Mrs. Crawley-Smith?"</p> + + <p>ASSISTANT—"Are there any others you wish for?"</p> + + <p>MAID—"No. Mrs. Crawley-Smith doesn't mind what they + are so long as they have big print and a happy ending."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Hard to Find</i></p> + + <p>LIBRARIAN—"What kind of book do you + want—fictional, historical, philosophical—?"</p> + + <p>PATRON—"Oh, any kind that H.G. Wells hasn't + written."</p> + + <p>LIBRARIAN—"We have none!"</p><a name="H_0062" + id="H_0062"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING</h2> + + <p>William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern + American letters:</p> + + <p>"The average popular novel shows on the novelist's part an + ignorance of his trade which reminds me of a New England + clerk.</p> + + <p>"In a New England village I entered the main street + department-store one afternoon and said to the clerk at the + book-counter:</p> + + <p>"'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb.'</p> + + <p>"'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb,' said the + clerk, with a naive, brisk smile."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You never can tell," said a traveling salesman. "Now you'd + think that a little New England village, chock full of church + influence and higher education, would be just the place to sell + a book like 'David Harum,' wouldn't you? Well, I know a man who + took a stock up there and couldn't unload one of 'em. He'd have + been stuck for fair if he hadn't had a brilliant idea and got + the town printer to doctor up the title for him. As it was, he + managed to unload the whole lot and get out of town before the + first purchaser discovered that 'David's Harum' wasn't quite + what he had led himself to suppose."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Remember what Roger Mifflin says: "When you sell a man a + book, you don't sell him just three ounces of paper and ink and + glue—you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship + and humour, and ships at sea by night—there's all heaven + and earth in a book."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PENFIELD—"What do you know about Bestseller's new + book?"</p> + + <p>CRABSHAW—"Nothing at all. I've merely read all the + reviews of it."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MANAGER—"Can't you find some way to make yourself busy + around here?"</p> + + <p>BOOKISH NEW SALESMAN—"Milton, in his 'Sonnet on + Blindness,' says: 'They also serve who only stand and + wait.'"</p> + + <p>MANAGER—"Yes, but you must keep in mind that Milton's + most famous book was about a fellow that lost his job and went + to hades."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What do you think of my library?"</p> + + <p>"I was just looking it over and I notice that you were + visited by the same book agents who landed me."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There's a fellow outside with a volume of poems</p> + + <p>(The title, I think is 'The Beautiful Gnomes'),</p> + + <p>He says it's the best of poetical tomes."</p> + + <p class="i2">"I'll see him next Christmas," the + publisher said.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There's a gentleman waiting to tell you about</p> + + <p>A novel of his, which, without any doubt</p> + + <p>(So he says), will make critics with happiness + shout."</p> + + <p class="i2">"Oh, tell him I'm ill or + rheumatic—or dead."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"There's also a lady who's just come away</p> + + <p>From Russia; she says that the Reds are at bay,</p> + + <p>And she's willing to write it at so much a day."</p> + + <p class="i2">"I've just left for Portugal, China and + Mars."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And then there's a bookseller—looks like a + gink—</p> + + <p>From somewhere out West; Indiana, I think.</p> + + <p>I'll tell him you're out buying authors a + drink."</p> + + <p class="i2">"A bookseller? In with him! Boy, the + cigars!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Edward Anthony</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <p>CANVASSER—"May I have a few minutes of your time?" </p> + + <p>PROSPECT—"Yes, if you will be brief. What can I do for + you; I'm a man of few words."</p> + + <p>CANVASSER—"Just the man I'm looking for, my specialty + is dictionaries."</p><a name="H_0063" + id="H_0063"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOOMERANGS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Repartee; Retaliation.</p><a name="H_0064" + id="H_0064"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOOSTING</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Boost your city, boost your friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost the lodge that you attend.</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost the street on which you're + dwelling,</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost the goods that you are selling.</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost the people 'round about you,</p> + + <p class="i2">They can't get along without you,</p> + + <p class="i2">But success will quicker find them,</p> + + <p class="i2">If they know that you're behind them.</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost for every forward movement,</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost for every new improvement,</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost the man for whom you labor,</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost the stranger and the neighbor.</p> + + <p class="i2">Cease to be a chronic knocker,</p> + + <p class="i2">Cease to be a progress blocker.</p> + + <p class="i2">If you'd make your city better</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost it to the final letter.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Boost, and the world boosts with you,</p> + + <p class="i4">Knock, and you're on the shelf,</p> + + <p class="i2">For the world gets sick of the one who'll + kick</p> + + <p class="i4">And wishes he'd kick himself.</p> + + <p class="i2">Boost, for your own achievements,</p> + + <p class="i4">Boost for the things sublime,</p> + + <p class="i2">For the one who is found on the topmost + round,</p> + + <p class="i4">Is the Booster every time.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>It takes no more time to boost a man than it does to knock + him—and think how much pleasanter for + everybody.</p><a name="H_0065" + id="H_0065"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BORROWERS</h2> + + <p>Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. + Cutting, from whom he had frequently borrowed money.</p> + + <p>"Er—aw—what was the denomination of the bill you + loaned me?" he asked nervously.</p> + + <p>"Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it + keeps Lent very well."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"There's a friend in the outer office waiting for you, + sir."</p> + + <p>"Here, James, take this $10 and keep it till I come + back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ED—"Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?"</p> + + <p>NED—"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends + had begun to avoid him.</p> + + <p>One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before + the latter had a chance to escape.</p> + + <p>"I say, old man," began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I + want some money badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where + on earth I'm going to get it from."</p> + + <p>"Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I + was afraid that you might have an idea you could borrow it from + me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One of the shrewd lairds of Lanarkshire had evidently + experienced the difficulties of collecting money lent to + friends.</p> + + <p>"Laird," a neighbor accosted him one morning, "I need twenty + poonds. If ye'll be guid enough to tak ma note, ye'll hae yere + money back agin in three months frae the day."</p> + + <p>"Nae, Donald," replied the laird, "I canna do it."</p> + + <p>"But, laird, ye hae often done the like fer yere + friends."</p> + + <p>"Nae, mon, I canna obleege ye."</p> + + <p>"But, laird—"</p> + + <p>"Will ye listen to me, Donald? As soon as I took yere note + ye'd draw the twenty poonds, would ye no?"</p> + + <p>Donald could not deny that he would.</p> + + <p>"I ken ye weel, Donald," the laird continued, "and I ken + that in three months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. + Then, ye ken, we'd quarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, + I'd rather do it noo, when I hae ma twenty poonds in ma + pocket."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ASKER—"Could you lend me a V?"</p> + + <p>TELLIT—"No, I couldn't."</p> + + <p>ASKER—"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?"</p> + + <p>TELLIT—"No. I have not a friend to spare."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year + ago?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only + took $15."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a + rope to a neighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the + rope just then.</p> + + <p>"Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor.</p> + + <p>"I think I shall," replied the owner, "as I am going to tie + up some sand with it."</p> + + <p>"Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not + see how you can do that!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not + want to lend it," was the reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MISS PRITTIKID—"But, father, he is a man you can + trust."</p> + + <p>HER PA—"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can + borrow from."</p><a name="H_0066" + id="H_0066"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOSTON</h2> + + <p>MR. PENN—"They say the streets in Boston are + frightfully crooked."</p> + + <p>MR. HUBB—"They are. Why, do you know, when I first + went there I could hardly find my way around."</p> + + <p>"That must be embarrassing."</p> + + <p>"It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an + old cat we had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a + mile away."</p> + + <p>"And you lost the cat all right?"</p> + + <p>"Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I + hadn't followed the cat!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his + summer trip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. + Stopping off at Salt Lake City, he strolled about the city and + made the acquaintance of a little Mormon girl.</p> + + <p>"I'm from Boston," he said to her. "I suppose you do not + know where Boston is?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our + Sunday-school has a missionary there."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was + evening. A man approached.</p> + + <p>"Sir," said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions."</p> + + <p>"What?" gasped the astonished driver.</p> + + <p>"Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated + oblivion."</p> + + <p>"I don't quite—"</p> + + <p>"The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced."</p> + + <p>"My dear fellow, I—"</p> + + <p>"The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have + been discontinued."</p> + + <p>Just then a little newsboy came over and said:</p> + + <p>"Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just + home from New England who said to his friend, "You know those + little white round beans?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our + horses?"</p> + + <p>"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the + enlightened citizens take those little white round beans, boil + them with molasses and I know not what other ingredients, bake + them, and then—what do you suppose they do with the + beans?"</p> + + <p>"They—"</p> + + <p>"They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner + impressively; "bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the + Christmas season drew nigh she became homesick.</p> + + <p>"Even the owls are different here," she sighed.</p> + + <p>"And how is that?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who,' and in Boston they say + 'To-hoot-to-whom.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I + tell you."</p> + + <p>"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down.' He's a Boston + terrier."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, the Red Sox won the world's series."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the + Red—er—the Red Hose."</p><a name="H_0067" + id="H_0067"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOY SCOUTS</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>A Boy Scout's Will</i></p> + + <p>I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, + having attained the age of maturity and realizing that my Boy + Scout days are numbered, do hereby give, devise and bequeath my + scout assets, tangible and intangible, as follows, to wit:</p> + + <p>My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of + my mother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old + enough to use them;</p> + + <p>My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington + Jackson, 3d, son of my father's handy man, with the admonition + that he organize, if possible, a troop of scouts among the + colored boys of the village;</p> + + <p>My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my + small brother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell + time;</p> + + <p>My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, + to be held in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath;</p> + + <p>To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy + Scout organization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, + self-respect, kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that + it makes men of its members, and that no boy can possibly go + wrong by joining it.</p><a name="H_0068" + id="H_0068"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BOYS</h2> + + <p>"I see they are making shingles out of cement now."</p> + + <p>"Then I recall my wish to be a boy again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in + the Washington streets when a woman recognized him and said she + didn't think his father would like his playing with so many + "common boys."</p> + + <p>"My father says there are no common boys," replied the young + Roosevelt.</p> + + <p>"He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good + boys and bad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there + are."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection + from the green grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to + take a handful of nuts, but the child shook his head.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green + grocer.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Johnny.</p> + + <p>"Then go ahead and take some."</p> + + <p>Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous + handful in Johnny's cap.</p> + + <p>After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't + you take the nuts when he told you to?"</p> + + <p>Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n + mine."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Golly! Let him whistle, mother!</p> + + <p class="i2">He's just boy—that's all.</p> + + <p>Let him be one while he can: you'll find it + pays.</p> + + <p>Jolly little baby brother!</p> + + <p class="i2">When the shadows fall</p> + + <p class="i4">You'll be wishin' he was back in boyhood + days!</p> + + <p>If you'd been in France and seen</p> + + <p>All the things that I have seen—</p> + + <p class="i2">Baby faces that will never</p> + + <p class="i4">Baby faces be again—</p> + + <p class="i2">Say! You wouldn't check that whistle</p> + + <p class="i4">For a million iron men!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lordy! mother, let him holler!</p> + + <p class="i2">He's not hurting anything;</p> + + <p class="i4">And he's carefree as a puppy—just + that gay.</p> + + <p>Dirty shirt, without a collar—</p> + + <p class="i2">Never was a king</p> + + <p class="i4">Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his + play.</p> + + <p>Little kiddies over there—</p> + + <p>Solemn eyes and tangled hair—</p> + + <p class="i2">Ten years old? That's still a baby!</p> + + <p class="i4">What he's doin's baby stuff!</p> + + <p class="i2">And the dignity of manhood</p> + + <p class="i4">Will be comin' quick enough!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Let him yell and squeal and whistle,</p> + + <p class="i2">Rollin' in the sand;</p> + + <p class="i4">Let him have the freedom of the whole + back lot.</p> + + <p>Things that hurt like thorn o' thistle</p> + + <p class="i2">Workin' in your hand</p> + + <p class="i4">You'll be wishin' some time that those + things were not!</p> + + <p>When I think of babies—old</p> + + <p>From the things that can't be told—</p> + + <p class="i2">And then look at him a-dancin',</p> + + <p class="i4">Singin', shoutin', in his joy:</p> + + <p class="i2">Don't put out a hand to stop him!</p> + + <p class="i4">Mother—let him be a boy!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>William's uncle was a very tall, fine-looking man, while his + father was very small. William admired his uncle, and wished to + grow up like him. One day he said to his mother:</p> + + <p>"Mama, how did uncle grow so big and tall?"</p> + + <p>His mother said: "Well, when uncle was a small boy he was + always a very good boy, and tried to do what was right at all + times; so God let him grow up big and tall."</p> + + <p>William thought this over seriously for a few minutes, then + said: "Mama, what kind of a boy was papa?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Office boys.</p><a name="H_0069" + id="H_0069"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BRIDES</h2> + + <p>And men relate that Mrs. Newlywed went to the grocery store + to do her morning marketing. And she was determined that the + grocer should not take advantage of her youth and + inexperience.</p> + + <p>"These eggs are dreadfully small," she criticized.</p> + + <p>"I know it," he answered. "But that's the kind the farmer + brings me. They are just fresh from the country this + morning."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said the bride, "and that's the trouble with those + farmers. They are so anxious to get their eggs sold that they + take them off the nest too soon!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened + for you to call me up at this—"</p> + + <p>"It's not so awful. But, John, dear, hasn't been feeling + well and the doctor gave him pills to take every four hours. + I've been sitting up to give them to him, and now it's about + time for the medicine, and John has fallen asleep. Should I + wake him?"</p> + + <p>"I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?"</p> + + <p>"Insomnia."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WIFE—"Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home + today."</p> + + <p>GEORGE—"But you bought one last week."</p> + + <p>WIFE—"Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What kind of coal do you wish, mum?"</p> + + <p>"Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things. Are there + various kinds?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes. We have egg coal, chestnut—"</p> + + <p>"I think I'll take egg coal. We have eggs oftener than we + have chestnuts."</p><a name="H_0070" + id="H_0070"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BROOKLYN</h2> + + <p>"Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?"</p> + + <p>"There ain't any such thing. No one has ever been able to + make one."</p><a name="H_0071" + id="H_0071"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BROTHERHOOD</h2> + + <p>The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the + brother.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To live is not to live for one's self alone; let us help one + another.—<i>Menander</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of our + love.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p><a name="H_0072" + id="H_0072"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BURBANK</h2> + + <p>One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was + accosted by an officious acquaintance who said:</p> + + <p>"Well, what are you working on now?"</p> + + <p>"Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed," said Mr. + Burbank.</p> + + <p>"And what under heaven do you expect from that?"</p> + + <p>Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk.</p> + + <p>"Custard pie," he said.</p><a name="H_0073" + id="H_0073"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BUSINESS</h2> + + <p>There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own + business. One is that they haven't any mind, the other that + they haven't any business.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?"</p> + + <p>"I want to make you rich."</p> + + <p>"Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over + later. Just now I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by + which I expect to make $3.50 in real money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to + raise their hands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The + teacher asked him if he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey + replied that he had heard his father tell his mother that + 'Business had all gone to hell' and Ikey wanted to go where the + business had gone.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had + even penetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. + The latter came forward and offered £50 for the fund.</p> + + <p>The worthy cleric was overjoyed.</p> + + <p>"I don't know your name, sir," he cried; "but I thank you + from the bottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business + prosper, sir!"</p> + + <p>Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked + askance at their vicar.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the + chairman.</p> + + <p>"Well—er—that donor is an undertaker!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"There is one respect in which a live business man isn't + like a tree."</p> + + <p>"What is that?"</p> + + <p>"If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri + Congressman it was suggested that, since he posed as a good + business man, he might be willing to tell just what a good + business man is.</p> + + <p>"That's easy," he explained. "A good business man is one who + can buy goods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew—at + a profit!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDITH—"Dick, dear, your office is in State street, + isn't it?"</p> + + <p>DICKEY—"Yes; why?"</p> + + <p>EDITH—"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny + mistake about you yesterday. He said he'd been looking you up + in Bradstreet."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade + Record")—"How's business?"</p> + + <p>SECOND MERCHANT—"Picking up a little. One of our men + got a $5,000 order yesterday."</p> + + <p>"Go away. I don't believe that."</p> + + <p>"Honest he did—I'll show you the + cancellation."</p><a name="H_0074" + id="H_0074"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BUSINESS ENTERPRISE</h2> + + <p>The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, + is matched by a correspondent of an English paper with another + story, equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two + rival sausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a + certain street, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop + the legend:</p> + + <p>"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the + country."</p> + + <p>The next day, over the way, appeared the sign:</p> + + <p>"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the whole + country."</p> + + <p>Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently + regarded as a final statement, namely:</p> + + <p>"We sell sausages to the King."</p> + + <p>Next day there appeared over the door of the first + sausage-maker the simple expression of loyalty:</p> + + <p>"God save the King."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Biddy," remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed + the pigs."</p> + + <p>"Faith and I will not," replied the bride.</p> + + <p>"Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy," retorted the + husband. "Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, + and if you can not feed your own property, then it's ashamed of + you I am."</p> + + <p>This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went.</p> + + <p>Presently she returned.</p> + + <p>"Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, + sternly.</p> + + <p>"Faith, and I have not," she answered. "I have done a great + deal better. As they were my property I have sold them, and + shall not be bothered with them again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A business man advertised for an office boy. The next + morning there were some fifty boys in line. He was about to + begin examining the applicants when his stenographer handed him + a card on which was scribbled:</p> + + <p>"Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in + line, but I'm telling you I'm there with the goods."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In one of the back streets in Philadelphia is a little + jewelry store which is making progress—witness this + incident:</p> + + <p>"What's the price of nickel alarm clocks?"</p> + + <p>"Dwenty-fife cends."</p> + + <p>"What! Why, how's that? Last week you told my son they were + a dollar."</p> + + <p>"Yaw, dat is so. Listen: You are a good frien', so I tol' + you. Ven I hat some I sells him for von tollar. Now I ain'd got + none I sells him for dwendy-fife cents. Dot makes me a + rebutation for cheabness, und I don't lose noddings!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Commercialomania</i></p> + + <p>PROFITEER—"One million is the price of a gram of + radium!"</p> + + <p>HIS PARTNER—"And we never thought of trying to sell + any!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An enterprising young florist, in order to increase his + trade, displayed this sign in his window:</p> + + <p>"We give a packet of flower seeds with every plant."</p> + + <p>His competitor across the street promptly sought to meet the + competition by placing in his window the following + announcement:</p> + + <p>"We give the earth with every plant."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A very small but live boy applied to a great merchant for a + job.</p> + + <p>The great man sized him up with twinkling eyes, for the one + situation open needed a bigger parcel of human experience, and + asked what position he wanted.</p> + + <p>"A chance to grow up in the business, Mister."</p> + + <p>"Well, we are more or less being depopulated by the drafts. + What is your motto, my son?"</p> + + <p>"The same as yours," was the ready answer.</p> + + <p>"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled merchant.</p> + + <p>"Why, on the door there—'Push.'"</p> + + <p>He got the job of keeper of that very door.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The proprietors of two rival livery-stables, situated + alongside each other in a busy street, have been having a + lively advertising duel lately.</p> + + <p>The other week one of them stuck up on his office window a + long strip of paper, bearing the words:</p> + + <p>"Our horses need no whip to make them go."</p> + + <p>This bit of sarcasm naturally caused some amusement at the + expense of the rival proprietor, but in less than an hour he + neatly turned the tables by pasting the following retort on his + own window:</p> + + <p>"True. The wind blows them along!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A group of farmers were complaining of the potato bugs' + ravages.</p> + + <p>"The pests ate my whole potato crop in two weeks," said one + farmer.</p> + + <p>"They ate my crop in two days," said a second farmer, "and + then they roosted on the trees to see if I'd plant more."</p> + + <p>A drummer for a seed house cleared his throat.</p> + + <p>"Gents," he said, "all that's very remarkable. Let me tell + you, though, what I saw in our own store. I saw a couple of + potato bugs examining the books about a week before planting + time to see who had bought seed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNFORTUNATE PEDESTRIAN (who has been knocked down and + dazed)—"Where am I? Where am I?"</p> + + <p>ENTERPRISING HAWKER—"'Ere y'are, sir—map of + London, one penny."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Why He Was Not Promoted</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He watched the clock.</p> + + <p>He was always grumbling.</p> + + <p>He was never at the office on time.</p> + + <p>He asked too many questions.</p> + + <p>His stock excuse was "it isn't necessary."</p> + + <p>He wasn't ready for the next step.</p> + + <p>He did not put his heart in his work.</p> + + <p>He learned nothing from his blunders.</p> + + <p>He chose his friends among his inferiors.</p> + + <p>He ruined his ability by half-doing things.</p> + + <p>He never acted on his own judgment.</p> + + <p>He did not think it worth while to learn how.</p> + + <p>He imitated the habits of other men who could stand + more than he could.</p> + + <p>He did not learn that the best part of his salary + was not in his pay envelope.</p> + + <p>He didn't have to.</p> + + <p>He was the President of the Company.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—G.M.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0074-1" + id="H_0074-1"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BUSINESS ETHICS</h2> + <hr /> + + <p>Johnny was at the grocery store.</p> + + <p>"I hear you have a little sister at your house," said the + grocer.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir," said Johnny.</p> + + <p>"Do you like that?" was queried.</p> + + <p>"I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles + with him, and baseball."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your + little sister for a boy?"</p> + + <p>Johnny reflected for a minute; then he said sorrowfully:</p> + + <p>"We can't now; it's too late. We've used her four + weeks."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Priest in Ireland went to Rome, and a number of his + parishioners asked him to buy things for them. Some gave him + the cash; others did not. When he returned, he brought the + articles for those who paid for them in advance. When the + others complained, he said, with a wink:</p> + + <p>"While I was at sea I got out all the commissions and spread + them on the deck. On the papers of those who had given me the + coin I put the money. The others had nothing to weight them + down. A squall of wind came up. It blew all the unweighted + papers into the sea! So the ones who gave me the money got what + they asked me to get. The others must ask Father Neptune for + theirs."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A New York lawyer had in his employ an office-boy who was + addicted to the bad habit of telling in other offices what + happened in that of his employer. The lawyer found it necessary + to discharge him, but, thinking to restrain him from a similar + fault in the future, he counseled the boy, on his departure, in + this wise:</p> + + <p>"Tommy, you must never hear anything that is said in the + office. Do what you are told, but turn a deaf ear to + conversation that does not include you."</p> + + <p>This struck the boss as such a happy inspiration that, to + the end that his stenographer might learn the same lesson, he + turned to her and said:</p> + + <p>"Miss Jones, did you hear what I said to Tommy?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir," she returned, promptly.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The firm of Hansen & Fransen was started in wartime and + did very well for a couple of years. But last year things were + on the down grade, and the other day, when the two partners had + finished making up their none-too-good record for the year, + Hansen said: "This would make anyone thoughtful. Now that the + good times are over, how about a little honest business?"</p> + + <p>"No, thanks," said Fransen. "I never indulge in + experiments."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember + when it was a common thing for a young man to start out as a + clerk and in a few years own the business."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The junior partner was harried.</p> + + <p>"I shall have to get another typist," he lamented. "Miss + Take is continually interrupting my dictation to ask how to + spell a word."</p> + + <p>"Dear, dear!" said the senior partner. "That seems a great + waste of time."</p> + + <p>"It's not that I mind," responded the other. "But it's so + bad for discipline to keep on saying, 'I don't know'!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>How Business Men Keep Their Spirits + Up</i></p> + + <p>"Cancel my order at once," came the telegram to the factory. + The owner perpetrated the only new joke in the millennium. His + telegram in reply read: "Your order cannot be cancelled at + once. You must take your turn."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUSTOMER—"Gee, this is a rotten cigar!"</p> + + <p>SHOPKEEPER—"Well, don't complain. You've only got one + of them—I've got ten thousand of the darn + things."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EMPLOYEE—"I don't like your methods of doing business, + Mr. Grafton. I resign."</p> + + <p>"PRACTICAL" BUSINESS MAN (sneeringly)—"You're a + holier-than-thou guy, eh?"</p> + + <p>EMPLOYEE—"No; merely a square peg in a crooked + hole."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A New York lawyer tells of a conversation that occurred in + his presence between a bank president and his son who was about + to leave for the West, there to engage in business on his own + account.</p> + + <p>"Son," said the father, "on this, the threshold of your + business life, I desire to impress one thought upon your mind: + Honesty, ever and always, is the policy that is best."</p> + + <p>"Yes, father," said the young man.</p> + + <p>"And, by the way," added the gray-beard, "I would advise you + to read up a little on corporation law. It will amaze you to + discover how many things you can do in a business way and still + be honest."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Dod-burn the luck!" snarled old Gideon Cronk, glaring at + the clock. "That confounded bank is closed! That's a thunderin' + pretty howdy-do!"</p> + + <p>"Well, you've set round the stove here foolin' with the + checkerboard all the afternoon and let the bank close on you," + returned the landlord of the tavern, "What you kickin' about + anyhow?"</p> + + <p>"I demand that a public institution shall accommodate its + patrons; that's what!"</p> + + <p>"Can't you cash your check in the mornin'?"</p> + + <p>"I ain't got no check. But if I had one I'd want to cash it + when I wanted to, wouldn't I? Well, it's the principle of the + thing I'm talkin' about!"</p><a name="H_0074-2" + id="H_0074-2"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>BUSINESS WOMEN</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Kate's running a tobacco-shop,</p> + + <p class="i2">Jane draws a wage from carpentry,</p> + + <p>And Amaryllis' patent mop</p> + + <p class="i2">Defies domestic anarchy;</p> + + <p class="i2">Marie's so capable that she</p> + + <p>Keeps foundry laborers from strife;</p> + + <p class="i2">She heads a motor company—</p> + + <p>But where am I to find a wife?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Eradne's made a wondrous top</p> + + <p class="i2">That's famed from Maine to Italy;</p> + + <p>While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop</p> + + <p class="i2">Through every modern nursery;</p> + + <p class="i2">May has a mock canteen, where tea</p> + + <p>Is served to sound of drum and fife,</p> + + <p class="i2">Grace reaps from etymology—</p> + + <p>But where am I to find a wife?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Maud's raising a world-famous crop</p> + + <p class="i2">Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea;</p> + + <p>At Daisy's restaurant each chop</p> + + <p class="i2">Would rouse a Muse from apathy;</p> + + <p class="i2">Babette's a broker, who must be</p> + + <p>Where rumors anent stocks are rife;</p> + + <p class="i2">They're all most useful, I + agree—</p> + + <p>But where am I to find a wife?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I do not know on land or sea,</p> + + <p>A girl who'd stay at home with me—</p> + + <p class="i2">In any varied walks of life.</p> + + <p class="i2">So how am I to find a wife!</p> + + <p class="i32">—<i>Charlotte Becker</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0074-3" + id="H_0074-3"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CAMPAIGNS</h2> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See</i> Public Speakers.</p><a name="H_0075" + id="H_0075"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CANDIDATES</h2> + + <p>TED—"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to + that rich girl?"</p> + + <p>NED—"You have about as much chance of winning as a + landlord running for office on a dry ticket."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE HEELER—"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' + candidate f'r Mayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened + with prayer."</p> + + <p>THE BOSS—"Good! That means he knows he's licked!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What do you think of the candidates?"</p> + + <p>"Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that + only one of them can get in."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Politicians.</p><a name="H_0076" + id="H_0076"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CANDOR</h2> + + <p>"How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd + git well, or somethin'."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the + love of truth.—<i>J. Abercrombie</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride + of man, the sweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and + the rarest virtue of + sociability.—<i>Bentsel-Sternau</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis great—'tis manly to disdain disguise,</p> + + <p>It shows our spirit, or it proves our + strength.—<i>Young</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>STATISTICIAN (on the platform)—"These are not my + figures, ladies and gentlemen; they are the figures of a man + who knows what he is talking about."</p><a name="H_0077" + id="H_0077"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CAPITAL AND LABOR</h2> + + <p>WILLIE—"Paw, what is the difference between capital + and labor?"</p> + + <p>PAW—"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and + getting it back represents labor, my son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and + labor starves.—<i>Daniel Webster</i>.</p><a name="H_0078" + id="H_0078"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CARD INDEX</h2> + + <p>MINING-STOCK PROMOTER—"Where can I hide? The police + are coming!"</p> + + <p>CHIEF CLERK—"Get into the card-index case. I defy any + one to find anything in + there."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0079" + id="H_0079"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CARELESSNESS</h2> + + <p>Care may kill people, but don't care kills more.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened + his seventieth letter with a groan.</p> + + <p>"I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written, + confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I + accept him?"</p> + + <p>The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last + straw.</p> + + <p>"If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you + are much too careless to be trusted with a + fourth."</p><a name="H_0080" + id="H_0080"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CATALOGING</h2> + + <p>One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes + in Sonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where + Prof. Henry Preserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History + appears thus:</p> + + <p><i>Smith, Prf. Hy.</i> "Preserved O.T. + History."</p><a name="H_0081" + id="H_0081"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CAUSE AND EFFECT</h2> + + <p>It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons + of a philanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten + teacher, having finished the morning's talk on hygiene and + sanitation, wished to make a practical application of the + lesson. Turning to one little youngster whose face, hands and + whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soap and water, she + asked:</p> + + <p>"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what + does mother do?"</p> + + <p>"We move."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LITTLE BOY—"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid + cement, please."</p> + + <p>CHEMIST—"Are they both for the same person, or shall I + wrap them up separately?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE BOY—"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, + so she wants the cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's + what muvver broke 'er teapot on."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day + when large pools of water had formed in the roadway between the + farm and the town. On the return journey he met an old + friend.</p> + + <p>"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.</p> + + <p>"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.</p> + + <p>"How is the missus?" continued the friend.</p> + + <p>"Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind + there"—jerking his thumb toward the back of the + wagon.</p> + + <p>"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.</p> + + <p>The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he + coolly replied:</p> + + <p>"Humph! That accounts for the splash."</p><a name="H_0082" + id="H_0082"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CAUTION</h2> + + <p>A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in + crowded car, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the + woman could stand it no longer.</p> + + <p>"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded.</p> + + <p>The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a + dignified tone, came the answer.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to + strangers."</p><a name="H_0083" + id="H_0083"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHARACTER</h2> + + <p>Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from + your conversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate + with; let me observe it by your + manners.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HOWELL—"What sort of a fellow is he?"</p> + + <p>POWELL—"He can make two lemons grow where only one + grew before and then hand them both to you when you are not + looking."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those + who know thee, know all words are faint!—<i>Hannah + More</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Stuff That Counts</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">The test of a man is the fight he + makes,</p> + + <p class="i4">The grit that he daily shows:</p> + + <p class="i2">The way he stands on his feet and + takes</p> + + <p class="i4">Fate's numerous bumps and blows,</p> + + <p class="i2">A coward can smile when there's naught to + fear,</p> + + <p class="i4">When nothing his progress bars,</p> + + <p class="i2">But it takes a man to stand and cheer</p> + + <p class="i4">While some other fellow stars.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">It isn't the victory, after all,</p> + + <p class="i4">But the fight that a brother makes;</p> + + <p class="i2">The man who, driven against the wall,</p> + + <p class="i4">Still stands up erect and takes</p> + + <p class="i2">The blows of fate with his head held + high,</p> + + <p class="i4">Bleeding and bruised, and pale.</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the man who'll win in the by and + by,</p> + + <p class="i4">For he isn't afraid to fail.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">It's the bumps you get and the jolts you + get</p> + + <p class="i4">And the shocks that your courage + stands.</p> + + <p class="i2">The hours of sorrow and vain regret,</p> + + <p class="i4">That prize that escapes your hands</p> + + <p class="i2">That test your mettle and prove your + worth;</p> + + <p class="i4">It isn't the blows you deal,</p> + + <p class="i2">But the blows you take on the good old + earth</p> + + <p class="i4">That shows if your stuff is real.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Robert W. Service</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BORLEIGH—"Some men, you know, are born great, some + achieve greatness—"</p> + + <p>Miss KEEN—"Exactly! And some just grate upon + you."</p><a name="H_0084" + id="H_0084"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHARITY</h2> + + <p>A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one + day, labeled "For the Blind." A few weeks afterward the box + disappeared.</p> + + <p>"Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was + asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I got enough money," he replied. "And," pointing upward + to the new canvas blind that sheltered his shop-window, + "there's the blind. Not bad, is it?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At a Chamber of Commerce dinner a speaker dwelt at great + length upon the suffering people of China. He suggested that + all present should give something for them. A small dry-goods + merchant arose and said:</p> + + <p>"You have made for me a feeling already that something + should be given. I move that we give three cheers for + China."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm sorry that my engagements prevent my attending your + charity concert, but I shall be with you in spirit."</p> + + <p>"Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I + have tickets here for half a dollar, a dollar and two + dollars."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A physician whose sole fee is the consciousness of doing + good.</p><a name="H_0085" + id="H_0085"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHEERFULNESS</h2> + + <p>HE—"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone + who sings at his work."</p> + + <p>SHE—"How you must love a + mosquito!"</p><a name="H_0086" + id="H_0086"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHICKEN STEALING</h2> + + <p>An old negro was charged with chicken-stealing, and the + judge said:</p> + + <p>"Where's your lawyer, uncle?"</p> + + <p>"Ain't got none, jedge."</p> + + <p>"But you ought to have one," returned the Court. "I'll + assign one to defend you."</p> + + <p>"No, sah, no, sah, please don't do dat," begged the + defendant.</p> + + <p>"Why not?" persisted the judge. "It won't cost you anything. + Why don't you want a lawyer?"</p> + + <p>"Well, Ah'll tell yo', jedge," said the old man + confidentially. "Ah wants ter enj'y dem chickens mahself."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is your husband a good provider, Dinah?"</p> + + <p>"Yessum, he's a good providah all right, but I'se allus + skeered dat niggah's gwine er git caught at it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is dem you-all's chickens?"</p> + + <p>"Cohse dey's my-all's chickens. Who's chickens did you + 'spose dey was?"</p> + + <p>"I wasn' s'posen' nuffin about 'em. But I will say dat it's + mighty lucky dat a chicken won' come a runnin' an' a waggin' + its tail when its regular owner whistles, same as a dog."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed.</p> + + <p>"Ah'm gwine hab yo' arrested foh stealin' mah chickens, yo' + Sambo Washin'ton-dat's jess what ah'm gwine to do," said + Rastus.</p> + + <p>"Go ahead, nigguh," retorted Sambo. "Go ahead and hab me + arrested. Ah'll mek yo' prove whar yo' got dem chickens + yo'seff!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE-"I'm going to fine you five dollars for the chickens + you stole the last two weeks."</p> + + <p>RASTUS-"How'll it be if Ah pays seben-fifty, Jedge? Dat'll + pay fob up to an' includin' next Saturday + night."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A negro soldier was brought up before his superior officer, + who said: "Sam, you are charged with stealing a chicken from + this Frenchwoman's farm. Now, how about it? Have you any + witnesses to stand for you?"</p> + + <p>"Witnesses?" echoed Sam in surprise. "No, suh, I ain't hab + no witnesses. When I goes chicken stealing I never hab no + witnesses aroun'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old colored uncle was found by the preacher prowling in + his barnyard late one night.</p> + + <p>"Uncle Calhoun," said the preacher sternly, "it can't be + good for your rheumatism to be prowling round here in the rain + and cold."</p> + + <p>"Doctor's orders, sah," the old man answered.</p> + + <p>"Doctor's orders?" asked the preacher. "Did he tell you to + go prowling round all night?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah, not exactly, sah," said Uncle Cal; "but he done + ordered me chicken broth."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had + drifted into some useful occupation, such as that of a + blacksmith, but just now he is cook to the Blankshire officers' + mess. Smith sent Murphy into the village to bring home some + chickens ordered for the mess.</p> + + <p>"Murphy," said Smith, the next day, "when you fetch me + chickens again, see that they are fastened up properly. That + lot you fetched yesterday all got loose, and tho I scoured the + village I only managed to secure ten of them."</p> + + <p>"Sh!" said Murphy. "I only brought six."</p><a name="H_0087" + id="H_0087"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHILD LABOR</h2> + + <p>SOUTHERNER—"Why are you Northerners always harping on + the children employed in Southern factories?"</p> + + <p>NORTHERNER—"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's + attention from the children employed in + ours."—Life.</p><a name="H_0088" + id="H_0088"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHILDREN</h2> + + <p>JOHNNY—"What makes the new baby at your house cry so + much, Tommy?"</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"It don't cry so very much—and, anyway, if + all your teeth were out, your hair off, and your legs so weak + you couldn't stand on them, guess you'd feel like crying + yourself."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother + added the finishing touches to her toilet. One of the ladies + said with a significant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y," spelling + the last word.</p> + + <p>"No," said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of + coaxing could get her there. At last her father offered to lie + on the bed till the "sandman" arrived. Off she went + "pick-a-back," and the tired mother leaned back in her chair + with a sigh of content, ready for a hard-earned rest.</p> + + <p>Ten minutes—twenty—half an hour, and she was + wondering when her husband would be down, when all at once she + heard a soft, stealthy pit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and + then a little white-robed form, with a tiny finger on her lip, + stood in the doorway.</p> + + <p>"Hush, hush, muvver," she said. "I'se got farver to + sleep."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Taking a Chance</i></p> + + <p>Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty + face and, of course, had to be sent away to wash.</p> + + <p>One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, + why do you persist in coming to the table without washing? You + know I always send you away."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TOMMY (after a thumping)—"You're awful hard on me, + ma."</p> + + <p>MOTHER—"That's because you've been very naughty and + wicked."</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't + die young yourself."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor + inquired of a small lad.</p> + + <p>"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should + talk," was the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for + when all he has to do is yell a while to get everything in the + house that's worth having?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred + with a happy smile on his face.</p> + + <p>"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked + his mother.</p> + + <p>"I have been playing Postman," replied little Fred.</p> + + <p>"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when + you had no letters?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, but I had," replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk + up in your room and I found a packet of letters tied 'round + with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door in the + street."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the + first time described the service as follows:</p> + + <p>"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty + soon they sat down and played hide-and-seek."</p> + + <p>"Did what?" asked her mother.</p> + + <p>"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered + up their faces and counted to themselves."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Training the Other Woman's + Child</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They all sat round in friendly chat</p> + + <p>Discussing mostly this and that,</p> + + <p class="i4">And a hat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Until a neighbor's wayward lad</p> + + <p>Was seen to act in ways quite bad;</p> + + <p class="i4">Oh, 'twas sad!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One thought she knew what must be done</p> + + <p>With every child beneath the sun—</p> + + <p class="i4">She had none.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And ere her yarn had been quite spun</p> + + <p>Another's theories were begun—</p> + + <p class="i4">She had one.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The third was not so sure she knew,</p> + + <p>But thus and so she thought she'd do—</p> + + <p class="i2">She had two.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The next one added, "Let me see;</p> + + <p>These things work out so differently."</p> + + <p class="i4">She had three.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The fifth drew on her wisdom store</p> + + <p>And said, "I'd have to think it o'er."</p> + + <p class="i4">She had four.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then one sighed, "I don't contrive</p> + + <p>Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive."</p> + + <p class="i4">She had five.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I know it leaves one in a fix,</p> + + <p>This straightening of crooked sticks."</p> + + <p class="i4">She had six.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n,</p> + + <p>But do your best and trust to heav'n!"</p> + + <p class="i4">She had sev'n.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Alice Crowell Hoffman</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in + even more than his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked + by his mother if he would not like to be a little city boy, and + always be nice and clean in white suits and shoes and + stockings. Tom answered scornfully: "They're not children; + they're pets."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Up-to-date</i></p> + + <p>KIND STRANGER—"How old is your baby brother, little + girl?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL—"He's a this year's model."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the + preparation of a brief. So intent was he on his work that he + did not hear the door as it was pushed gently open, nor see the + curly head that was thrust into his office. A little sob + attracted his notice, and turning, he saw a face that was + streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had been + hurt.</p> + + <p>"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"</p> + + <p>"Are you a lawyer?"</p> + + <p>"Yes. What do you want?"</p> + + <p>"I want"—and there was a resolute ring in his + voice—"I want a divorce from my papa and mamma."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well," mused six-year-old Harry, as he was being buttoned + into a clean white suit, "this has been an exciting week, + hasn't it, mother? Monday we went to the Zoo, Wednesday I lost + a tooth, Thursday was Lily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, + yesterday I had my hair cut, and now here I am rushing off to + Sunday-school."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little saying from a seven-year-old girl.</p> + + <p>NEIGHBOR—"How is your mother this morning?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL—"My mother is at the hospital."</p> + + <p>NEIGHBOR—"Why! I did not know your mother was + ill."</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL—"No, it is my aunt who is ill."</p> + + <p>NEIGHBOR—"What is the matter with your aunt?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL—"She has a bad headache."</p> + + <p>NEIGHBOR—"Why! I did not know any one went to the + hospital for a bad headache!"</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL (looking up quickly with a very interested, + bright look on her face)—"That is not the real reason, I + think; they are spelling things on me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little boy of seven was being scolded in a room adjoining + one in which his grandma lay ill. He motioned toward grandma's + room and quietly said, "Sh—! it's too much for her; it'll + wear her out."</p> + + <p>Later, grandma thanked him for his consideration, whereupon + he replied, "Don't mention it, gran; that was + fifty-fifty—part for you and part for me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>George was hampered by a mother whose idea of godliness was + cleanliness. Notwithstanding the frequent baths to which he was + condemned George thrived exceedingly. One day a neighbor + remarked on his rapid growth.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said George, "that's ma's fault—she waters me + so much."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Boys.</p><a name="H_0089" + id="H_0089"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHOICES</h2> + + <p>The Czar was recently complimenting a soldier, and asked him + if he would rather have 100 rubles or the Iron Cross.</p> + + <p>"Would your Majesty deign to tell me the value of the + cross?" inquired the private.</p> + + <p>"Oh, it is not worth much intrinsically, perhaps two + rubles."</p> + + <p>"Then, your Majesty, I will take the cross and ninety-eight + rubles."</p> + + <p>This is an interesting episode, and the most interesting + thing about it is that it also happened during the + Franco-Prussian War, the Crimean War, the Seven Years' War, and + the Marlborough campaigns.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Eyeball or Highball</i></p> + + <p>An old Scotsman was threatened with blindness if he did not + give up drinking.</p> + + <p>"Now, McTavish," said the doctor, "it's like this: You've + either to stop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must + choose."</p> + + <p>"Ay, weel, doctor," said McTavish, "I'm an auld man noo, an' + I was thinkin' I ha'e seen about everything worth seein'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OFFICER-"Hang it! you've brought the wrong boots. Can't you + see one is black and the other brown?"</p> + + <p>BATMAN-"Sure, but the other pair is just the same."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Let me see! How does that old saying go: 'Of two evils + always choose—?"</p> + + <p>"Always choose the one you haven't indulged in + before."</p><a name="H_0090" + id="H_0090"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS</h2> + + <p>Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself + whose parents are Christian Scientists. One day she said:</p> + + <p>"Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian + Scientist than anything else?"</p> + + <p>Mother asked "Why?" and Dorothy said:</p> + + <p>"Well, Julia has 'splained it to me. If you get cross with + another little girl, and you knock her down, if you are a + Christian Scientist you won't have to apologize to her, because + it won't hurt her any."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>A Mental Error</i></p> + + <p>The tram-car was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, + who had achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all + regulations by standing.</p> + + <p>"Now, then," called out the girl conductor, with emphasis, + "you can't stand on top."</p> + + <p>"Well," said one literalist, smiling blandly as he peered + down the steps, "we are standing, whether we can or not."</p> + + <p>The girl answered nothing, but promptly pressed a button. + The car jumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a + seat on the floor.</p> + + <p>"There," said the girl apparently in complete good humor, + quoting the barrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but + you can't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Christian Scientist while walking about the plant met a + man doubled up with pain.</p> + + <p>"My man," he said, "What is the matter?"</p> + + <p>"I was out to a banquet last night," moaned the man, "And + oh, how I ache!"</p> + + <p>"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy. "Your + pain is imagination. It is all in your mind."</p> + + <p>The man looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement + and then replied in a most positive manner:</p> + + <p>"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside + information."</p><a name="H_0091" + id="H_0091"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHRISTMAS GIFTS</h2> + + <p>"Isn't this too absurd?" said the hostess, as she read a + letter the maid had handed to her. "I sent Marie Burns the + loveliest of bags for Christmas. It had been given to me, I + knew, and I had so many I saved it to give away. I suppose we + all do those things."</p> + + <p>The guest nodded.</p> + + <p>"Well, here's her letter of thanks, and listen to what she + says:</p> + + <p>"'Dear Grace: When I gave you that bag three years ago on + Christmas I was so fond of it I could hardly bear to part with + it. So I thank you most heartily for remembering me this + Christmas with my own gift, which I parted with so unselfishly. + Cordially yours, Marie Burns.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BILL—"I hear that Jones always saves the Christmas + presents people give him and gives them back the following + year."</p> + + <p>PHIL—"I hope he does that to me. I gave him a quart of + brandy in 1918."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Instead of the usual just-before-Christmas letter to Santa + Claus, Robbie wrote a prayer letter to God. After enumerating + the many and varied presents he wanted very much, he concluded + with: "Remember, God, the Lord loveth a cheerful + giver."</p><a name="H_0092" + id="H_0092"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHURCH</h2> + + <p>SCOTT—"What is your notion of an ideal church?"</p> + + <p>JACKSON—"One that meddles with neither politics nor + religion."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He had been around from church to church trying to find a + congenial congregation, and finally he stopped in a little + church just as the congregation read with the minister:</p> + + <p>"We have left undone those things which we ought to have + done, and we have done those things which we ought not to have + done."</p> + + <p>The man dropped into a pew with a sigh of relief.</p> + + <p>"Thank goodness," he said, "I've found my crowd at + last."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HIX—"I understand your Church has sent the minister to + Michigan for a month."</p> + + <p>DIX—"Yes, that's right."</p> + + <p>HIX—"For a vacation, I suppose?"</p> + + <p>DIX—"Yes; the congregation decided that we were + entitled to one."</p><a name="H_0093" + id="H_0093"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHURCH ATTENDANCE</h2> + + <p>"What's the idea of free pews?"</p> + + <p>"Well, it gives everyone a chance to stay away from church + at a minimum expense."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Why They Went to Church</i></p> + + <p>Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting + would be held.</p> + + <p>Willie Jones went because his mother made him.</p> + + <p>His sister went because she had her hair up for the first + time.</p> + + <p>Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy.</p> + + <p>The Scott boy went to flirt with Sadie Williams.</p> + + <p>James B. Jenkins went because he had done so for fourteen + years.</p> + + <p>The sexton went because he had to pump the organ.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One of the girl ushers in a Flatbush theater had a problem + offered her the other evening. She was showing two women to + their seats.</p> + + <p>"Is the show this evening fit for church women to see?" + asked one of the pillaresses of a Flatbush congregation.</p> + + <p>"I—I don't know," responded the girl. Then she + brightened. "You see," she said, "I don't have no time to go to + church."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, + was shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one + morning, when a conversation occurred between them respecting + Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church in that + place:—</p> + + <p>"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, + are you not, Mr. Dickson?" said his customer.</p> + + <p>"No, sah, not at all."</p> + + <p>"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"</p> + + <p>"Not this year, sah."</p> + + <p>"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be + permitted to ask?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll tell you sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a + concave razor on the palm of his hand, "it war just like dis. I + jined the church in good fait; I give ten dollars toward de + stated gospill de fus' year, and de church people call me + 'Brudder Dickson'; the second year my business not so good, and + I gib only five dollars. Dat year the people call me 'Mr. + Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"</p> + + <p>"No, the razor goes tolerably well."</p> + + <p>"Well, sah, the third year I feel berry poor; had sickness + in my family; and I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, + sah, arter dat dey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'—and I + left 'em."</p><a name="H_0094" + id="H_0094"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CHURCH DISCIPLINE</h2> + + <p>Two Methodist preachers, one white and the other colored, + served rural charges in Mississippi which were conterminous. + The negro received a considerably larger salary than his white + brother, who asked him if it was not his custom to expel his + members who failed to pay. "No, boss," he replied, "we would + not like to put the gospel on a money basis. We gets them to + subscribe, and if they don't pay we turns them out for + lying."</p><a name="H_0095" + id="H_0095"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CITIZENS</h2> + + <p>All the talk of hypenated citizenship has evidently had its + effect upon a San Francisco youngster, American born, who + recently rebelled fiercely when his Italian father whipped him + for some misdemeanor.</p> + + <p>"But, Tomaso," said one of the family, "your father has a + right to whip you when you are bad."</p> + + <p>Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United + States," he declared. "Do you think that I am going to let any + foreigner lick me?"</p><a name="H_0096" + id="H_0096"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CITY AND COUNTRY</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Country life.</p><a name="H_0097" + id="H_0097"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CIVICS</h2> + + <p>Mrs. Profiteer was very proud of the stunts they were doing + at the smart private school to which she had sent her + daughter.</p> + + <p>"My dear," she said to her friend, "she's learning civics if + you please."</p> + + <p>"What's civics?" asked the friend.</p> + + <p>"Civics? My dear, don't you know? Why, it's the science of + interfering in public affairs."</p><a name="H_0098" + id="H_0098"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CIVILIZATION</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>France says it is art.</p> + + <p>England says it is conquest.</p> + + <p>America says it is energy.</p> + + <p>Italy says it is song.</p> + + <p>Russia says it is work.</p> + + <p>Japan says it is imitation.</p> + + <p>Satan says it is his private "movie."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Nations, like individuals, live and die; but civilization + cannot die.—<i>Mazzini</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the + size of cities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the + country turns out.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p><a name="H_0099" + id="H_0099"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CLASS DISTINCTIONS</h2> + + <p>Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between + Europe and America is that over there they like to keep you in + your place—stationary, you know, while here we like to + see a man rise.</p> + + <p>"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks + of Muggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday + night, said to his wife:</p> + + <p>"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when + Sergeant Todd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane + besides, it looks to me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the + station what Divine Providence sunk him + into.'"</p><a name="H_0100" + id="H_0100"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CLEANLINESS</h2> + + <p>"Ma, do I have to wash my face?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly!"</p> + + <p>"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin + basin and roller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For + two mornings the small boy of the household watched in silence + the visitor's toilet. When on the third day the tooth-brush, + nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., had been duly used, he asked: + "Say, mister, air you always that much trouble to + you'se'f?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Baths and bathing.</p><a name="H_0101" + id="H_0101"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CLERGY</h2> + + <p>Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a + well-known actor, who is something of a freethinker along + theological lines, sat at the guest-table. When the hour for + starting the feast arrived the toastmaster, a very religious + man, discovered that no minister of the Gospel was present, tho + several had been invited. In this emergency he turned to the + actor and asked him to say grace.</p> + + <p>The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep + hush said fervently:</p> + + <p>"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Horse-power Misrated</i></p> + + <p>The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain + ranch of one of his congregation. There had been some + difference of opinion as to his qualifications. At the gate he + was met by a small boy of the family, who was evidently + cogitating a matter of deep perplexity.</p> + + <p>"Be you our preacher?"</p> + + <p>"I am."</p> + + <p>The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his + brow puckered with growing perplexity.</p> + + <p>"That's queer," he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors + you was a one-hoss preacher."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Ting-a-ling-a-ling!</p> + + <p>The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed + it to his ear.</p> + + <p>"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked.</p> + + <p>Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his + parishioners.</p> + + <p>"No," he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector."</p> + + <p>Was there a dull thud?</p> + + <p>No.</p> + + <p>"Indeed," said the lady, quick as a flash, "and pray what + are you doing there?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEARFUL PARISHIONER (saying farewell to departing + minister)—"I don't know what we will do when you are + gone, Dr. Blank."</p> + + <p>MINISTER—"Oh, the church will soon get a better man + than I am."</p> + + <p>TEARFUL PARISHIONER—"That's what they all say, but + they keep getting worse and worse."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the + people did not understand. A deputation waited on him with the + request that in the future, whenever he used such terms, he + would explain them.</p> + + <p>On the following Sunday he used the word "hyperbole," and + added:</p> + + <p>"As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say + that at this moment the whole of my congregation are sound + asleep, it would be hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are + asleep, that is not hyperbole, but the truth."</p> + + <p>The next day the deputation again called to say that the + minister need not explain technical terms; they'd learn their + meaning from a dictionary.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A minister came to the Episcopal church, at Williamsport, + Pa., to speak.</p> + + <p>"Do you wish to wear a surplice?" asked the rector.</p> + + <p>"Surplice!" cried the visitor. "Surplice! I am a Methodist. + What do I know about surplices? All I know about is a + deficit!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but + remained silent, while the congregation awaited the sermon in + puzzled expectancy. At last he spoke:</p> + + <p>"There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a + lassie," he said. "When he's done ah'll begin."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A clergyman famous for his begging abilities was once + catechizing a Sunday-school. When comparing himself as pastor + of the church to a shepherd, and his congregation to the sheep, + he put the following question to the children: "What does the + shepherd do for the sheep?"</p> + + <p>To the confusion of the minister a small boy in the front + row piped out: "Shears them!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A small town boasts a female preacher. One day when working + in her study she heard a timid knock at her door. Answering the + summons she found a bashful young German on the step.</p> + + <p>"Good-afternoon," the preacheress remarked. "What do you + wish?"</p> + + <p>"Do der minister lif in dis house?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir."</p> + + <p>"Yess? Veil, I vant to kit merriet."</p> + + <p>"All right; I can marry you."</p> + + <p>The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German + glanced at it. Then without comment he jammed his hat on his + head and hurried down the walk.</p> + + <p>"Will you be back?" she called.</p> + + <p>"You gits no chance mit me," he answered. "I don't want you; + I haf got me a girl alreaty."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A clergyman was spending the afternoon at a house in the + English village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting + in the garden with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy + holding a rat above his head. "Don't be afraid, mother," he + cried; "he's dead. We beat him and bashed him and thumped him + until"—catching sight of the clergyman, he added, in a + lowered voice—"until God called him home."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two Irish women in the market place of Cork were talking of + the new curate.</p> + + <p>"Arrah, Biddy," said one, "did ye hear him last Sunday when + he preached on 'Hell'?"</p> + + <p>"Faith an' I did that same, and shure he might have been + born and reared there, so well did he know all about it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had + neighboring churches and didn't get along very well. After some + time, however, they got together and decided to bury the + hatchet.</p> + + <p>"For, after all," said he of the Episcopal faith, "we are + both doing the Lord's work."</p> + + <p>"That is true," said the priest. "Let us therefore do his + work to the best of our ability: you in your way," concluded + the priest, and then added with a twinkle, "and I in his!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Contribution box; + Preaching.</p><a name="H_0102" + id="H_0102"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CLOTHING</h2> + + <p>"I simply can't understand the combination of my wife's + clothes."</p> + + <p>"What puzzles you?"</p> + + <p>"Well, when she wants to hide anything, she pokes it down + her neck, but when she wants to get it again it's always in her + stocking."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Why They Don't Wear Old Clothes</i></p> + + <p>Father—Because he never can tell when he might be + detained at the office on business.</p> + + <p>Brother Bill—Because he has got to look his best in + case he meets (a) a certain young lady, (b) her father, (c) her + mother, (d) any other near relative of (a).</p> + + <p>Sister May—Because everybody would know it if she put + on one of last year's dresses.</p> + + <p>Angela, aged five—Because she has outgrown everything + she ever wore.</p> + + <p>Tommy, aged seven—Because he has outworn everything he + hasn't outgrown.</p> + + <p>The Richest Man in Town—Because he can't afford to + look shabby.</p> + + <p>The Poorest Man in Town—Same reason.</p> + + <p>The Mayor—Because he is mayor.</p> + + <p>His Chief Rival—Because he hopes to become mayor.</p> + + <p>The President of the Ladies' Federation—Because the + newspapers are forever sending photographers after her.</p> + + <p>Mother—Because there's no fun playing the game + alone.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where are the clothes of yesteryear—</p> + + <p class="i2">And of the year before?</p> + + <p>Bare is the cupboard—shelf and hook;</p> + + <p>Barren, the garret's cobwebbed nook;</p> + + <p class="i2">Empty, the darksome drawer!</p> + + <p>Why should they strangely disappear—</p> + + <p>All the old clothes of yesteryear?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where are the clothes of yesteryear?</p> + + <p class="i2">Easy would be the search.</p> + + <p>Seek them where duty or pleasure calls;</p> + + <p>Seek them in learning's classic halls—</p> + + <p class="i2">Office or club or church.</p> + + <p>Rich and lowly, alike, appear</p> + + <p>Wearing the clothes of yesteryear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Honor the clothes of yesteryear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Deal with them tenderly;</p> + + <p>Don them gladly and make them last,</p> + + <p>Friends of an opulent era past;</p> + + <p class="i2">Stout may their fabric be!</p> + + <p>Drink long life to their new career—</p> + + <p>Here's to the clothes of yesteryear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Jennie Betts + Hartswick</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. + Perhaps you have lower ones—say about Louis X would do, I + think."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I can not wear the old suit</p> + + <p class="i2">I wore long years ago;</p> + + <p>It's shiny at the shoulders,</p> + + <p class="i2">My knees and elbows show.</p> + + <p>But on investigation I</p> + + <p class="i2">Discover this is true:</p> + + <p>I can not wear the old suit,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor can I buy a new.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the + phone.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the weary saleslady.</p> + + <p>"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the + voice.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya + want—pink, yellow, or black?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar + died, leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, + hurried home, and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At + last, my dear," he said, "You will be able to buy yourself some + decent clothes."</p> + + <p>"I'll do nothing of the sort," sezz she. "I'll get the same + kind that other women wear."</p><a name="H_0103" + id="H_0103"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CLUBS</h2> + + <p>"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening.</p> + + <p>"'Please call my husband to—,' she began, but she was + interrupted.</p> + + <p>"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant, + blandly.</p> + + <p>"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're + mighty sure about it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my + name yet, either. Look here, mister, how do you know my husband + isn't at the club when I haven't told you my name?'</p> + + <p>"The attendant answered more blandly than ever:</p> + + <p>"'Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, + ma'am.'"</p><a name="H_0104" + id="H_0104"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COAL</h2> + + <p>There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in + coal mining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping + bureau, to get every new slant on coal. He said to the clipping + bureau: "I want everything you can find about coal." The first + clipping he got was an article about a man who was suing his + wife for a separation because she hit him on the head with a + lump of coal.</p><a name="H_0105" + id="H_0105"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COFFEE</h2> + + <p>Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless + it is both strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel + soon hears from him. Recently he took a little trip to Baton + Rouge and went into a restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup + to his lips he made a wry face and then beckoned to the + proprietor.</p> + + <p>"What do you call this stuff?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised.</p> + + <p>"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee + bean into my mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the + end of this street, swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll + guarantee that any one could bail up much better coffee than + this over the entire route!"</p><a name="H_0106" + id="H_0106"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS</h2> + + <p>DRESSMAKER—"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. + Brown's account."</p> + + <p>BROWN (angrily)—"Why don't you see my wife about it + and not come to me?"</p> + + <p>DRESSMAKER—"I have, several times, but every time I + call she does nothing but order a new gown."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to + collect bills for the general store, returned with this + report:</p> + + <p>"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole + Oleson, he say he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he + say he pay in Yanuary."</p> + + <p>"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he + never set a date before. Are you sure he said in January?"</p> + + <p>"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day + when you get your money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected + house was put under quarantine. After the disease had been + checked, an old negress protested vigorously when the health + officers started to take down the sign on her house.</p> + + <p>"Why, Auntie," exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me + to take it down?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sah," she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah + neah dis house sence dat sign went up. You-all let it + alone!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a + coop for his pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the + exception of one which was walking up and down in front of the + door. Andrew ran up to his mother in great excitement and + said:</p> + + <p>"Mamma, is that one a collector?"</p> + + <p>Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said:</p> + + <p>"Well, he can't get in."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hello Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw + you starting away yesterday morning very early on your fishing + trip. Did you have any luck?"</p> + + <p>"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors + called."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill."</p> + + <p>"He's away on vacation, sir."</p> + + <p>"Did he leave any address?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in + America.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills + and seldom have to dun them twice. What's the secret?"</p> + + <p>BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my + collecting nights."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous + place in his store:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">Man is made of dust.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Dust Settles.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">Be a Man!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Norah," said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, + "tell that man who is ringing the doorbell that I am not + receiving today!"</p> + + <p>The servant girl went to the door and said something to the + man; then she stepped into the hall and called upstairs:</p> + + <p>"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says + he ain't deliverin', he's collectin'!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed + district, and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward + in payment of his accounts.</p> + + <p>They sent him letter after letter, each more politely + threatening than the last. Finally they sent their + representative down to give him a sporting chance.</p> + + <p>"Now," said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why + haven't you sent us anything? Are things going badly?"</p> + + <p>"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My + bankers will guarantee me all right."</p> + + <p>"Then why haven't you paid up?"</p> + + <p>"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so + well done that I've been copying them and sending them round to + a few customers of my own who won't pay up, and I've collected + nearly all outstanding debts. I was only holding back because I + felt sure there must be a final letter, and I wanted to get the + series complete."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Probably Meant Florida</i></p> + + <p>"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was + the nature of the trouble you consulted him about?"</p> + + <p>"I went there to collect a bill."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the + collector, after his tenth fruitless call.</p> + + <p>"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be so + hard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your + employment?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ARTIST—"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this + month."</p> + + <p>LANDLORD—"But that's what you said last month."</p> + + <p>ARTIST—"You see I keep my word; you can have + confidence in me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Bills; Debts.</p><a name="H_0107" + id="H_0107"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COLLECTION BOX</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Contribution box.</p><a name="H_0108" + id="H_0108"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COLLEGE GRADUATES</h2> + + <p>"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a + job."</p> + + <p>"What can he do?" asked the self-made man.</p> + + <p>"He says he's pretty good in Greek."</p> + + <p>"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece + since I've been in the export business."</p><a name="H_0109" + id="H_0109"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COLLEGE STUDENTS</h2> + + <p>"I am delighted to meet you," said the father of the college + student, shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took + algebra from you last year, you know."</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but + he did not take it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>RUPERT—"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the + table last night?"</p> + + <p>ROLAND—"They were so soiled I sent them to the + laundry."</p> + + <p>RUPERT—"Ye gods, the entire history of England was on + them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>'07—"You are always behind in your studies."</p> + + <p>'23—"Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to + pursue them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>STUDENT (writing home)—"How do you spell + 'financially'?"</p> + + <p>OTHER—"F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y, and there are two R's in + 'embarrassed.'"—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Degrees.</p><a name="H_0110" + id="H_0110"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES</h2> + + <p>SOPH.—"How does it happen you came to Harvard? I + thought your father was a Yale man."</p> + + <p>FRESH.—"He was. He wanted me to go to Yale; I wanted + to go to Princeton. We had an argument and he finally told me + to go to H——."—<i>Yale Record</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>On The Aristocracy of Harvard</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I come from good old Boston,</p> + + <p class="i2">The home of the bean and the cod;</p> + + <p>Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the Lowells speak only to God!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dr. Samuel G. + Bushnell</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>On the Democracy of Yale</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Here's to the town of New Haven,</p> + + <p class="i4">The home of the truth and the light;</p> + + <p class="i2">Where God speaks to Jones in the very + same tones,</p> + + <p class="i4">That he uses with Hadley and Dwight!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dean Jones</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0111" + id="H_0111"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMMITTEE</h2> + + <p>BOBBIE—"What is a committee, pa?"</p> + + <p>FATHER—"A committee, my son, is something which takes + a week to do what one good man can do in an + hour."</p><a name="H_0112" + id="H_0112"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMMON SENSE</h2> + + <p>A farmer, just arrived in town, was walking across the + street and happened to notice a sign on a hardware store, "Cast + Iron Sinks."</p> + + <p>He stood for a minute and then said, "Any fool knows + that."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Common sense is in spite of, not because of + age.—<i>Lord Thurlow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is + genius.—<i>H. W. Shaw</i>.</p><a name="H_0113" + id="H_0113"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMMUNISM</h2> + + <p>We were talking to our friend O'Doul about politics, and he + was calm enough until somebody announced himself "a violent + radical."</p> + + <p>"I can stand for Socialism—a little of it, anyway," + said O'Doul fiercely; "but it's this Communism that makes me + mad; I'm not going to stand for any form of government under + which a man can come up to me and say, 'O'Doul, there are too + many men just like you in New York. You go out and live in + Columbus.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A—"Your communism is stupid. If everything were + divided today, in a very short time your portion would be gone. + What then?"</p> + + <p>B—"Divide again!"</p><a name="H_0114" + id="H_0114"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMMUTERS</h2> + + <p>Stationed at the Mont Sec observation post, near St. Mihiel, + a French soldier was showing the scenery to a doughboy.</p> + + <p>"I have been in this section ever since the beginning of the + war," he said. "Back there is Commercy, where my home is."</p> + + <p>"I suppose you get home once in a while?" said the + doughboy.</p> + + <p>"Nearly every week," was the response.</p> + + <p>"Hell," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South + Bend, Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; + here's a guy what commutes to the war!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST COMMUTER—"Do you have to take such an early + train as this?"</p> + + <p>SECOND COMMUTER—"No. But I find the earlier the train + the less everybody cares to talk."</p><a name="H_0115" + id="H_0115"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMPARISONS</h2> + + <p>MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)—"Now see here, yo'! Dat's + twice yo' called me Jackson! If yo' don't know no moah dan to + confuse me wif dat wall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, + fiat-footed, paraletic nigger Jackson, we'll call dis game + right here!"</p> + + <p>MR. PERSIMMONS—"'Scuse me, Johnson-'scuse me! Don't + draw a razor on me like Jackson did de other night wen I called + him Johnson. Yo' two fellahs ain't such a much alike 'cept in + youah looks an general characteristics. Dat's all."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to + laugh outright when on a public platform. The record-making + occasion was at a political meeting in Scotland. The Premier + was constantly being interrupted, one of the chief hecklers + being a farmer wearing a large straw hat. Suddenly from someone + in the hall came a very personal remark concerning Mr. + Asquith.</p> + + <p>"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly.</p> + + <p>There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood + up, and, pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, + shouted:</p> + + <p>"It was him wi' the coo's breakfast on his head!"</p> + + <p>The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he + had to join in the general roar of + laughter.</p><a name="H_0116" + id="H_0116"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMPENSATION</h2> + + <p>"There's a bright side to everything."</p> + + <p>"To those high food prices?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have + cured."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard + the latter complaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get + tired too, when I go out walking," said the small maiden, "but + I always think what a nice ride my stomach has been + having."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden leg," said + the veteran.</p> + + <p>"What's that?" asked his friend.</p> + + <p>"You can hold your socks up with + thumb-tacks."</p><a name="H_0117" + id="H_0117"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMPETITION</h2> + + <p>The clergyman's eloquence may have been at fault, still he + felt annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during + the sermon on two consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the + second week, he told the boy who accompanied the sleeper that + he wished to speak to him in the vestry.</p> + + <p>"My boy," said the minister, when they were closeted + together, "who is that elderly gentleman you attend church + with?"</p> + + <p>"Grandpa," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake + during my sermon, I'll give you a nickel each week."</p> + + <p>The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two + weeks the old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The + third week, however, found him soundly asleep.</p> + + <p>The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very + angry with you. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn't I + promise you a nickel a week to keep him awake?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not + to disturb him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Yes," said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of + the sick purchasing agent, "I can cure you."</p> + + <p>"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly.</p> + + <p>"Ninety-five dollars."</p> + + <p>"You'll have to shade your price a little," replied the + purchasing agent, "I have a better bid from the + undertaker."</p><a name="H_0118" + id="H_0118"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COMPLIMENTS</h2> + + <p>A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer + parishioners, an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She + expressed her great regret at not being able to hear his + sermons. Desiring to be sympathetic and to say something + consoling, he replied, with unnecessary self-depreciation, "You + don't miss much."</p> + + <p>"So they tell me," was the disconcerting reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You don't seem to enjoy being referred to as a good + loser."</p> + + <p>"No," replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good + loser comes to be regarded merely as a poor performer."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Tact.</p><a name="H_0119" + id="H_0119"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONCEIT</h2> + + <p>The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother + asked her what the picture was to be.</p> + + <p>"God," replied the child simply.</p> + + <p>"But you can't draw God," protested the mother, "because you + have never seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and no one knows + what He looks like."</p> + + <p>The small girl licked her pencil and put in another touch. + "They'll all know when I finish this," she said.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of + the one hundred greatest books ever written.</p> + + <p>"Impossible, my dear," replied Oscar; "I have only written + five."</p><a name="H_0120" + id="H_0120"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONDUCT</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>I Resolve</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To keep my health</p> + + <p>To do my work</p> + + <p>To live</p> + + <p>To see to it I grow and gain and give</p> + + <p>Never to look behind me for an hour</p> + + <p>To wait in weakness and to walk in power;</p> + + <p>But always fronting onward to the light</p> + + <p>Always and always facing toward the right</p> + + <p>Robbed, starved, defeated, fallen wide astray</p> + + <p>On with what strength I have</p> + + <p>Back to the Way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Charlotte Perkins + Stetson</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Envoy</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If I am happy, and you,</p> + + <p>And there are things to do,</p> + + <p>It seems to be the reason</p> + + <p>Of this world!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be Noble! and the nobleness that lies</p> + + <p>In other men, sleeping but never dead,</p> + + <p>Will rise in majesty to meet thine own;</p> + + <p>Then wilt thou see it gleam in many eyes</p> + + <p>Then will pure light around thy path be shed</p> + + <p>And thou wilt nevermore be sad and lone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Lowell</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"To every man there openeth</p> + + <p>A Way and Ways, and a Way,</p> + + <p>And the High soul climbs the High Way</p> + + <p>And the Low soul gropes the Low,</p> + + <p>And in between on the misty flats,</p> + + <p>The rest drift to and fro.</p> + + <p>But to every man there openeth</p> + + <p>A High Way, and a Low,</p> + + <p>And every man decideth</p> + + <p>The Way his soul shall go."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>John Oxenham</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Half the joy of life is in "letting go" every once in a + while, and, if you let go twice every once in awhile, it seems + that you have just that much more fun.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When days go wrong, remember they aren't self-starters.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I often think that anyone can face</p> + + <p class="i2">A crisis or a crushing tragedy</p> + + <p>With calm, exalted courage, but the place</p> + + <p class="i2">That needs the greatest strength and + energy</p> + + <p>Is daily grind: to manage just to laugh</p> + + <p class="i2">At all the petty hazards of each + day—</p> + + <p>To smile, whilst sifting life's wheat from its + chaff</p> + + <p class="i2">And strive to see just good along the + way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Helba Baker</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Promise Yourself</i></p> + + <p>To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of + mind.</p> + + <p>To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you + meet.</p> + + <p>To make all your friends feel that there is something in + them.</p> + + <p>To look on the sunny side of everything and make your + optimism come true.</p> + + <p>To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to + expect only the best.</p> + + <p>To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as you + are about your own.</p> + + <p>To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the + greater achievements of the future.</p> + + <p>To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a + smile ready for every living creature you meet.</p> + + <p>To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you + have no time to criticise others.</p> + + <p>To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong + for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.</p> + + <p>To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the + world—not in loud words, but in great deeds.</p> + + <p>To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long + as you are true to the best that is in you.</p><a name="H_0121" + id="H_0121"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONFESSIONS</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Open Confession is Good for the Soul</i></p> + + <p>Surgeon's instrument case lost in some saloon. Reward. Dr. + H.E. Lebel. 1227 Hennepin.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the + vestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He + explained that there wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," + said he, "if you will be seated I will give you an opportunity + at the end of the service to come forward, and I will then + perform the ceremony."</p> + + <p>The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman + said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond of + matrimony please come forward?"</p> + + <p>Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the + altar.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal + combat. Finally the subject came down to their respective + churches.</p> + + <p>"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your + Rabbi," the little Irish boy insisted.</p> + + <p>"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell + him everything."</p><a name="H_0122" + id="H_0122"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONFIDENCES</h2> + + <p>A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: + "Drive me to a haberdasher's."</p> + + <p>"Yaas, suh," said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove + a block; then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse + me, boss; whar d' you say you wanter go?"</p> + + <p>"To a haberdasher's."</p> + + <p>"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh." After another block there was the + same performance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you + wanter go?"</p> + + <p>"To a haberdasher's," was the somewhat impatient reply.</p> + + <p>Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n + drivin' in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody + away yit. Now, you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter + go."</p><a name="H_0123" + id="H_0123"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONGRESS</h2> + + <p>"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States + history.</p> + + <p>"Oh," replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to + ratify it; and then the President has to—has to veto it; + and then the House of Representatives has to"—she + hesitated for a moment, and knit her pretty forehead.</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes! I remember now," she said. "The House of + Representatives has to adjourn until the next session!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"And met with the approval of the I.W.W. and the + Bolsheviki?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"And O.K.'d by Mr. Hearst?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly."</p> + + <p>"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure + restoring the rights of the people."</p><a name="H_0124" + id="H_0124"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONSCIENCE</h2> + + <p>Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the + first put this question: "Well, what is conscience, + anyhow?"</p> + + <p>"Conscience," said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a + bit of a pessimist, "is the thing we always believe should + bother the other fellow."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his + town—somewhere in the South—was unfortunate enough + to have a very dilatory laundress. One evening, when he was out + for a practice run in his rather airy and abbreviated track + costume, he chanced to dash past the house of that dusky lady, + who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with his + washing.</p> + + <p>He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang + furiously and an excited voice was wafted in from the + porch:</p> + + <p>"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not + to go out no moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Many a man feels that he could be quite comfortable if his + conscience would meet him halfway.</p><a name="H_0125" + id="H_0125"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONSCRIPTION</h2> + + <p>He was a homesick colored soldier in a labor battalion, and + he saw no chance of a discharge.</p> + + <p>"De nex' wah dey has," he announced to a friend, "dey's two + men dat ain't goin'—me an' de man dey sends to git + me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A negro registrant from a farming district was called to + service. Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved + to another street. At the new address another negro languished + in the doorway.</p> + + <p>"Is dis whar de redemtion bo'd is at?" queried the + newcomer.</p> + + <p>"Sho' is," answered the second. "But de blessed redeemer + done gone out fo' lunch."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Zeb Smith was a drafted man. He saw heavy fighting in France + and was wounded. On his return to the United States he was + interviewed by one whose duty it was to interest himself in the + men.</p> + + <p>"Smith, what do you intend to do when you are released from + the service?"</p> + + <p>"Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need + in his case for a medical examination.</p> + + <p>"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first + boat. I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to + have a hospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be + wasted in taking me where I can get mended right away, so that + I can get back to fighting without losing a minute. Pass me in, + doctor. Don't waste any time on me. I want to fight, and keep + fighting!"</p> + + <p>The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, + reported a perfect physical specimen.</p> + + <p>"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?"</p> + + <p>"Nothing."</p> + + <p>"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Judgment.</p><a name="H_0126" + id="H_0126"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONSERVATIVES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Radicals.</p><a name="H_0127" + id="H_0127"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONSOLATION</h2> + + <p>FIRST WALL STREET BROKER—"Anything to do today?"</p> + + <p>SECOND WALL STREET BROKER—"Certainly not."</p> + + <p>"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a + bit."—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0128" + id="H_0128"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONTENTMENT</h2> + + <p>Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we + know we can't have.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in + taking away some fire.—<i>Fuller</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue + even in misfortune.—<i>Leszczinski</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most + secure of riches.—<i>Cicero</i>.</p><a name="H_0129" + id="H_0129"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONTRIBUTION BOX</h2> + + <p>"I can na' get ower it," a Scottish farmer remarked to his + wife. "I put a twa-shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this + morning instead o' ma usual penny."</p> + + <p>The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he + allowed the farmer to miss the plate for twenty-three + consecutive Sundays.</p> + + <p>On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the + plate, but the old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him + and, in a loud, tragic whisper, hoarsely said:</p> + + <p>"Your time's up noo, Sandy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old colored minister announced that he had invented an + automatic collection basket, which would be passed around by + the deacons of his church. "It is so arranged, my brethren," + said he, "dat if you drop in a quatah or half dollah it falls + noiselessly on a red plush cushion; if you drop a nickel it + will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heard by de entiah + congregation; but if you let fall a suspender button, my + brethren, it will fiah off a pistol."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that + 'collect' and 'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?"</p> + + <p>"Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; + "but you may tell your teacher that there is a vast difference + between a congregation and a collection."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on the + congregation."</p> + + <p>"How do you know?"</p> + + <p>"I could tell when I counted the collection."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked + Pastor Brown.</p> + + <p>"Well, sah," replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take + an active part, an' I used to pass de collection-basket, but + dey's give de job to Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah + thai-ah."</p> + + <p>"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his + having lost one o' his hands."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BESS—"Somebody passed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year + ago, and he hasn't been able to get rid of it since."</p> + + <p>MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)—"What! Does that young man + never go to church, then?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his + intentions to his congregation:</p> + + <p>"Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and + as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see + what a bazaar can do for us."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is said that the farthing was coined in response to a + demand from Scotchmen for a satisfactory coin for the + collection box. It's value is a fourth of a cent.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A minister was on his vacation in the country. A neighboring + church heard of it and asked him to preach while their own + pastor was away. He consented and, on the Sunday when he was to + supply, he and his boy walked across the fields to the church. + In the vestibule there was a box for voluntary contributions + and the minister after feeling around in his pocket found fifty + cents which he dropped in. After the sermon, the elders came up + to express their appreciation for his fine sermon and then + remembered they hadn't yet paid him. They generously decided to + give him all the collection for that Sunday and on opening the + contribution box they found exactly fifty cents. The minister + accepted it and went on his way home. After walking some + distance the boy noticed his father was very silent evidently + pondering over something, so he said, "Father, how much did you + get?"</p> + + <p>The father replied "Fifty cents, son."</p> + + <p>"Why father, that's just what you put in, wasn't it?" asked + the boy.</p> + + <p>"Yes, son."</p> + + <p>Both walked along in silence for some distance further, then + the boy spoke up and said: "Father, if you had put more in, + you'd have got more out, wouldn't you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Tight, who had money to burn but was apparently afraid of + fire, happened in a church one day when a collection was being + taken for foreign missions. Eventually the collector reached + Tight, but Tight didn't make any motions like producing + beautiful coin.</p> + + <p>"Pardon me," said the collector, placing the box before + Tight, "we are taking a collection for foreign missions. + Wouldn't you like to add a little to the amount?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir!" was the decisive rejoinder of Tight. "I never + give to foreign missions."</p> + + <p>"Then take a little out of the box," softly responded the + collector. "The money is for the benefit of the heathen."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and + the minister was calling on members for subscriptions. One of + the pillars of the church rose and said: "I subscribe five + dollars." Just at that instant a piece of plaster fell on his + head. Half stunned he mumbled "f-f-five hundred dollars" and + the minister prayed "Oh Lord, hit him + again."</p><a name="H_0130" + id="H_0130"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CONUNDRUMS</h2> + + <p>A party of young people were amusing themselves by guessing + the answers to conundrums. One of them asked, "Why is the + pancake like the sun?"</p> + + <p>"Because it rises in der yeast and sets behind der vest," + was the answer given by a brilliant young Swede.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They were discussing that joke about getting down off an + elephant.</p> + + <p>"How do you get down?" asked the jokesmith for the fourth + time.</p> + + <p>"You climb down."</p> + + <p>"Wrong!"</p> + + <p>"You grease his sides and slide down."</p> + + <p>"Wrong!!"</p> + + <p>"You take a ladder and get down."</p> + + <p>"Wrong!!!"</p> + + <p>"Well, you take the trunk line down."</p> + + <p>"No, not quite. You don't get down off an elephant; you get + it off a goose."</p><a name="H_0131" + id="H_0131"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COOKERY</h2> + + <p>"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while + you were away. Did he enjoy it?"</p> + + <p>"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to + swear during my absence."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My husband has had indigestion for the past month."</p> + + <p>"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a + cook."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OFFICER—"Is that soup ready, Jones?"</p> + + <p>OFFICER'S SERVANT—"No, sir, the stove went out, + sir."</p> + + <p>OFFICER—"Went out! Then why don't you light it + again?"</p> + + <p>OFFICER'S SERVANT—"'Cos it went out by the roof, + sir."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. + Newlywed.</p> + + <p>"Why, er-er-er," stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you + pounded it enough, did you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. + During the meal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:</p> + + <p>"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very + good."</p> + + <p>After taking a bite he sadly replied:</p> + + <p>"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a + pie taste like this. It's something you put + in."</p><a name="H_0132" + id="H_0132"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COOKS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Servants</p><a name="H_0133" + id="H_0133"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COOPERATION</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is not the guns or armament</p> + + <p class="i2">Or the money they can pay;</p> + + <p>It's the close cooperation</p> + + <p class="i2">That makes them win the day;</p> + + <p>It's not the individual</p> + + <p class="i2">Or the army as a whole</p> + + <p>But the everlasting team work</p> + + <p class="i2">Of every blooming soul.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Kipling</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0134" + id="H_0134"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CORPULENCE</h2> + + <p>A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could + get neither out nor in.</p> + + <p>"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted + helpfully.</p> + + <p>"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no + sideways."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and + not passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with + exaggerated politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a + minimum fare, with no fee.</p> + + <p>"Why?" she inquired.</p> + + <p>"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little + money 'e'll 'ave a fit," was the freezing + answer.</p><a name="H_0135" + id="H_0135"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>The Stamp of Learning</i></p> + + <p>"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"</p> + + <p>"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence + schools, I suppose."</p><a name="H_0136" + id="H_0136"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COSMOPOLITANISM</h2> + + <p>JOE—"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a + cosmopolitan?"</p> + + <p>CURLY—"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian + Jew livin' in England married to a black woman an' you'd just + finished a bit of Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian + cigaret, while a German band outside was playin' the Blue Bells + o' Scotland—you'd be a cosmopolitan."</p><a name="H_0137" + id="H_0137"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COST OF LIVING</h2> + + <p>"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"</p> + + <p>"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought + with it had he spent it then!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone."</p> + + <p>"Why so?"</p> + + <p>"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for + the money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How's business?"</p> + + <p>"Not too good—thanks to some dishonest rascals who are + selling goods at reasonable prices."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your + insomnia?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten + thousand sheep, put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to + market. And when I'd got through counting the money I got for + them at present prices it was time to get up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Father, I need a new riding habit."</p> + + <p>"Can't afford it," he growled.</p> + + <p>"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"</p> + + <p>"Get the walking habit."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In these days of the high cost of living the following story + has a decided point:</p> + + <p>The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the + children the difference between the natural and man-made + wonders, and was finding it hard.</p> + + <p>"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing + man ever made?"</p> + + <p>A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the + question of ways and means, replied as solemnly as the + proverbial judge:</p> + + <p>"A living for a family."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old + man?"</p> + + <p>"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole."</p> + + <p>"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something + better?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. HOMESPUN—"What'll we contribute to the minister's + donation-party?"</p> + + <p>FARMER HOMESPUN—"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way + up, pork is 'way up, fowl is 'way up—we'll save money by + giving him money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the + blacksmith's to be sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked + the farmer chuckled and bragged about a sale of hogs he had + just made.</p> + + <p>"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none + too fat, nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' + end, and by skilful jugglin' I boosted up the price on him just + 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, I got three times more for them hogs + than I uster get before the war."</p> + + <p>The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 + cents.</p> + + <p>"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job + now."</p> + + <p>"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you + mean by treblin' your price on me? What have you done it + for?"</p> + + <p>"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to + eat some of that high-priced pork of yours this winter."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OLD DAME—"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my + little man, but you've only given me a penny."</p> + + <p>THE LITTLE MAN—"Yes, but farver says one penny's got + to do the work of two in war-time."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of + the high cost of living?"</p> + + <p>"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying + to make political economy take the place of domestic + economy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look + forward to the next meal."</p> + + <p>SHE—"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a + while?"</p> + + <p>HE—"But, my dear, what is higher than + food?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice + to prisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, + he started thus:</p> + + <p>"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep + straight. Now, do you understand?"</p> + + <p>"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lordship + will tell me how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to + make boths ends meet, I might."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>And another trouble with the country is that too many are + trying to satisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's + salary.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high + price of eggs)—"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at + war with Germany?"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of + everything?"</p> + + <p>"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind + of a customer for what he may expect and saves argument."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a + half for planked steak!"</p> + + <p>"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Our Government does not profess to live within its income, + but only within ours.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Farm products cost more than they used to."</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to + know the botanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological + name of the insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what + will kill it, somebody's got to pay."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Its Friendly Way</i></p> + + <p>"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"</p> + + <p>"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. + "It overtakes you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What are the luxuries of life?"</p> + + <p>"Things that were necessities two years ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long + while, met and fell to discussing their affairs in general.</p> + + <p>"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement + with Clarice Collines."</p> + + <p>"No, I didn't break it."</p> + + <p>"Oh, she broke it?"</p> + + <p>"No, she didn't break it."</p> + + <p>"But it is broken?"</p> + + <p>"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what + my income was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and + gently dissolved."</p><a name="H_0138" + id="H_0138"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COUNTRY LIFE</h2> + + <p>UNCLE EZRA—"So ye just got back from New York! What's + the difference between the city and the country?"</p> + + <p>UNCLE EBEN—"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling + all in and get up feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed + feeling fine and get up feeling all in."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. + Walking in the garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she + had never seen before. After gazing in silent admiration, she + ran quickly into the house and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and + see! One of your chickens is in bloom."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a + cow, which he keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have + already been noticed looking over the wall to see what a cow + looks like.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men + in her grandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit + trees and asked many questions.</p> + + <p>Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she + noticed a gentleman with a mourning band round his left + sleeve.</p> + + <p>"Mamma," she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up + his other arm?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was + out walking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse + for a drink of milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of + milk, and while he was quenching his thirst a number of pigs + got round about him. The minister noticed that the pigs were + very strange in their manner, so he said:</p> + + <p>"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?"</p> + + <p>The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are + excited, sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out + of!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to + buy a bicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had + determined to see everything.</p> + + <p>"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said he proudly.</p> + + <p>"But think," said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look + riding about on a cow."</p> + + <p>"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle," + answered the farmer.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hiram," said the farmer's wife, "what makes you say 'By + gosh!' so much and go round with a straw in your mouth?"</p> + + <p>"I'm getting ready for them summer boarders that's comin' + next week. If some of us don't talk an' act that way, they'll + think we ain't country folks at all."</p><a name="H_0139" + id="H_0139"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COURAGE</h2> + + <p>The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog + that looked as if he might shake a mean lower jaw.</p> + + <p>"Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic + retreat. "You always swore you would face death for me."</p> + + <p>"I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn + dog ain't dead."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Who led the army in that recent expedition?"</p> + + <p>"I did," replied General Tamale.</p> + + <p>"I thought the attack was led by General Concarne."</p> + + <p>"It was I who prevented great loss of life. He led them + going forward, but I led them coming back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man of courage is also full of + faith.—<i>Cicero</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in + seeing it and conquering it.—<i>Richter</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Few persons have courage enough to appear as good as they + really are.—<i>Hare</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Conscience in the soul is the root of all true courage. If a + man would be brave, let him learn to obey his + conscience.—<i>Clarke</i>.</p><a name="H_0140" + id="H_0140"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COURTESY</h2> + + <p>"How do you like your new music-master?"</p> + + <p>"He is a very nice, polite young man. When I made a mistake + yesterday he said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take so much + pains to improve upon Beethoven?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Life is not so short but that there is always time enough + for courtesy.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How sweet and gracious, even in common speech,</p> + + <p>Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy!</p> + + <p>Wholesome as air and genial as the light,</p> + + <p>Welcome in every clime as breaths of + flowers—</p> + + <p>It transmutes aliens into trusting friends,</p> + + <p>And gives its owner passport round the globe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>J.T. Fields</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0141" + id="H_0141"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COURTS</h2> + + <p>A couple of old codgers got into a quarrel and landed before + the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a + combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit + Court."</p> + + <p>"I'm willin'," said the other.</p> + + <p>"An' I'll law you to the Supreme Court."</p> + + <p>"I'll be thar."</p> + + <p>"An' I'll law to 'ell!"</p> + + <p>"My attorney'll be there," was the calm reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In the course of his examination these questions were put to + an old negro who was appearing as a witness:</p> + + <p>"What is your name?"</p> + + <p>"Calhoun Clay, sah."</p> + + <p>"Can you sign your name?"</p> + + <p>"Sah?"</p> + + <p>"I ask if you can write your name?"</p> + + <p>"Well, no, sah. Ab nebber writes mah name. Ah dictates it, + sah."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAGISTRATE (to prisoner)—"What is your name?"</p> + + <p>PRISONER—"S-s-sam S-s-sissons, S-s-sir."</p> + + <p>MAGISTRATE—"Where do you live?"</p> + + <p>PRISONER—"S-s-seventy seven S-s-surrey street. + S-s-sir."</p> + + <p>MAGISTRATE (to policeman)—"Officer, what is this man + charged with?"</p> + + <p>OFFICER—"Begorry, yer honor. Oi think he must be + charged with soda wather."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In one of the Brooklyn courts a recent case required the + testimony of a young German immigrant.</p> + + <p>"Now, Britzmann," said the lawyer for the plaintiff, "what + do you do?"</p> + + <p>"Ah vos pretty vell," replied the witness.</p> + + <p>"I am not inquiring as to your health. I want to know what + you do."</p> + + <p>"Vork!"</p> + + <p>"Where do you work?" continued the counsel.</p> + + <p>"In a vactory."</p> + + <p>"What kind of a factory?"</p> + + <p>"It vos bretty big vactory?"</p> + + <p>"Your honor," said the lawyer, turning to the judge, "if + this goes on we'll need an interpreter." Then he turned to the + witness again.</p> + + <p>"Now, Britzmann, what do you make in the factory?" he + asked.</p> + + <p>"You vant to know vot I make in der vactory?"</p> + + <p>"Exactly! Tell us what you make."</p> + + <p>"Eight dollars a veek."</p> + + <p>Then the interpreter got a chance to earn his daily + bread.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Uncle Joe Cannon was asked today what he thought of the + outlook for the Republican party in 1916, and he answered with + a story.</p> + + <p>"A black man was arrested for horse-stealing while I was + prosecuting-attorney in Vermilion county," he said, "and was + placed on trial after being duly indicted. When his day in + court came he was taken before the judge and I solemnly read + the charge in the indictment to him.</p> + + <p>"'Are you guilty or not?' I asked.</p> + + <p>"The black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss,' + he finally said, 'ain't dat the very thing we're about to + try?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE—"Officer, what's the matter with the + prisoner—tell her to stop that crying—she's been at + it fifteen minutes" (more sobs).</p> + + <p>OFFICER—"Please, sir, I'm a'thinking she wants to be + bailed out."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Jury; Witnesses.</p><a name="H_0142" + id="H_0142"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>COURTSHIP</h2> + + <p>If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite + perfect in your opinion; if he is the man you think he is and + you want him, don't put him on a pedestal and worship him as an + idol.</p> + + <p>Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger and get a + ring on the next.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mother was out, and Sister Sue was putting on her best + blouse, so six-year-old Bobby had to entertain Sue's young man. + As is the way with his kind, he began to ply the unfortunate + caller with questions.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Brown," he began, "what is a popinjay?"</p> + + <p>"Why—er—a popinjay is a—eh—vain + bird."</p> + + <p>"Are you a bird, Mr. Brown?"</p> + + <p>"No, of course not."</p> + + <p>"Well, that's funny. Mother said you were a popinjay, and + father said there was no doubt about your being a jay, and Sue + said there didn't seem to be much chance of your poppin', and + now you say you aren't a bird at all."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Courtship is a bowknot that matrimony pulls into a hard + knot.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>IRATE PARENT—"No, siree. You can't have her. I won't + have a son-in-law who has no more brains than to want to marry + a girl with no more sense than my daughter has shown in + allowing you to think you could have + her."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Lover's Farewell</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh! fare you well, my dearest dear,</p> + + <p>Oh! fare you well for a while,</p> + + <p>I go away, but I'll come back again,</p> + + <p>If I go ten thousand miles."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But who will take me out," she sighed,</p> + + <p>"And who will glove my hands,</p> + + <p>And who will kiss my ruby lips</p> + + <p>When you are in foreign lands?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Your brother will take you out," he said,</p> + + <p>"Your mother will glove your hands,</p> + + <p>And I will kiss your ruby lips</p> + + <p>When I return again."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Will and Mary had been busy courting for over two years, + meeting every night in Hope Street, Glasgow. About a fortnight + ago, Will, in parting with his beloved, made the usual + remark:</p> + + <p>"I'll meet ye in Hope Street tomorrow nicht. Mind and be + punctual."</p> + + <p>"'Deed, aye, Will, lad," replied Meg, with a merry twinkle + in her eye. "We hae met noo a lang time in Hope Street, an' I + was jist thinkin' that it was high time we were shiftin' oor + trystin'-place a street farther along. Whit wad ye say to Union + Street?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAUDE—"What makes you think his intentions are + serious?"</p> + + <p>MABEL—"When he first began to call he used to talk + about the books I like to read."</p> + + <p>MAUDE—"And now?"</p> + + <p>MABEL—"Now he talks about the things he likes to + eat."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Cheer up, old man! There's other fish in the sea."</p> + + <p>REJECTED SUITOR-"Yes, but the last one took all my + bait!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEIGHBOR—"Got much money in your bank, Bobby?"</p> + + <p>BOBBY—"Gee, no! The depositors have fallen off + somethin' fierce since sister got engaged."</p> + + <p>"So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" snorted the old man. + "Do you consider yourself financially able to do so?"</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the suitor, "after a fellow has bought candy + and flowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the + theater twice a week and is still not broke, I guess he can + afford to get married."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. GOODTHING—"How does your sister like the + engagement ring I gave her, Bobby?"</p> + + <p>HER YOUNG BROTHER—"Well, it's a little too + small;—she has an awful hard time getting it off when the + other fellows call!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. SLOW (calling on girl)—"You seem + rather—er—distant this evening."</p> + + <p>GIRL—"Well, your chair isn't nailed to the floor, is + it?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Love; Proposals.</p><a name="H_0143" + id="H_0143"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CREDIT</h2> + + <p>FIRST CREDIT MAN—"How about Jones of Pigville + Center?"</p> + + <p>SECOND CREDIT MAN—"He always pays cash, so we don't + know how honest he is!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little girl of eight entered a store in a small town and + said:</p> + + <p>"I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress."</p> + + <p>The merchant selected some and handed the child the + package.</p> + + <p>"How much is it?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Just one kiss," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"All right," said the child as she turned to go, "grandma + said to tell you she would pay you when she came in + tomorrow."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, + no, dear! Appearances is deceitful. They didn't have no + charge-account. Paid cash for + everything."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit + sales-slips one day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk:</p> + + <p>"Did you give George Callahan credit?"</p> + + <p>"Sure," said the clerk. "I—"</p> + + <p>"Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man + asking for credit?"</p> + + <p>"Why, I did," retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young + fellow. "I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to + every grocer in town, and, of course, if his credit was that + good I knew that you would like to have him open an account + here!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A well-known wholesale merchant, who has a wide patronage + throughout the Piedmont region of the South, received the + following letter from one of his customers a few weeks ago:</p> + + <p>"I receive your letter about what I owes you. Now be + pachent. I ain't forgot you and soon as folks pay me I'll pay + you, but if this was judgment day and you were no more prepared + to meet your Maker than I am to meet your account then you sho + going to hell."</p> + + <p>The credit, it may be noted, was extended.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Rufus, aren't you feeling well?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah; I'se not feelin' well, sah."</p> + + <p>"Have you consulted your doctor, Rufus?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah; I ain't don' dat, sah."</p> + + <p>"Why? Aren't you willing to trust your doctor, Rufus?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, sah; but de trubble is he's not so alt'gether + willin' to trus' me, sah."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My son," said old man Reddit,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Take this advice from me:</p> + + <p>The less you use your credit</p> + + <p class="i2">The better it will be."</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0144" + id="H_0144"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CRIME</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lives of master crooks remind us</p> + + <p>We may do a bit of time,</p> + + <p>And, departing, leave behind us</p> + + <p>Thumb-prints in the charts of + crime.—<i>Life</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Fear follows crime, and is its + punishment.—<i>Voltaire</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Responsibility prevents crimes.—<i>Burke</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the + father.—<i>La Bruyère</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But many a crime deemed innocent on earth</p> + + <p>Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt</p> + + <p>Have each their record, with a curse annex'd.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Cowper</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0145" + id="H_0145"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CRITICISM</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade,</p> + + <p>Save censure; critics all are ready-made.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer,</p> + + <p>And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer:</p> + + <p>Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,</p> + + <p>Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE ARTIST—"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my + pictures unmercifully."</p> + + <p>HIS FRIEND—"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; + he has no ideas of his own—he only repeats like a parrot + what everybody else is saying."</p><a name="H_0146" + id="H_0146"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CULTURE</h2> + + <p>JIGGS—"Townsen can read three languages."</p> + + <p>TRIGGS—"What are they?"</p> + + <p>JIGGS—"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad + time-tables."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"Not quite a lady, is she?"</p> + + <p>SHE—"No—but I should say her pearls are + 'cultured,'"</p> + + <p>That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every + form of human life, and enables us to work most successfully + for its advancement.—<i>Beecher</i>.</p><a name="H_0147" + id="H_0147"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CURES</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>A Testimonial</i></p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"Did that cure for deafness really help your + brother?"</p> + + <p>PAT—"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years + and the day after he took that medicine, he heard from a friend + in America."</p><a name="H_0148" + id="H_0148"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CURIOSITY</h2> + + <p>"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar + diamond necklace."</p> + + <p>"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions + asked?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my + wife's ability to fulfill the rest of that contract."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman + came up to his window the other day with a cashier's check for + fifty dollars.</p> + + <p>"What denomination," asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest + manner.</p> + + <p>"Lutheran," replied the woman. "What are + you?"</p><a name="H_0149" + id="H_0149"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CURRENT EVENTS</h2> + + <p>MRS. BARR—"Henry, what are current events?"</p> + + <p>MR. BARR—"Anything shocking, my + dear"—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0150" + id="H_0150"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>CUSTOM</h2> + + <p>Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the + landlord asked how he liked his fare.</p> + + <p>"I have dined as well as any man in England," said + Foote.</p> + + <p>"Except the mayor," cried the landlord.</p> + + <p>"I except nobody," said he.</p> + + <p>"But you must!" screamed the host.</p> + + <p>"I won't!"</p> + + <p>"You must!"</p> + + <p>At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, + who observed that it had been customary in that town for a + great number of years always to "except the mayor," and + accordingly fined him a shilling for not conforming to ancient + custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the shilling, at the + same time observing that he thought the landlord the greatest + fool in Christendom—except the mayor.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To follow foolish precedents, and wink</p> + + <p class="i2">With both our eyes, is easier than to + think.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Cowper</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Custom does often reason overrule,</p> + + <p class="i2">And only serves for reason to the + fool.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Rochester</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0151" + id="H_0151"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DACHSHUNDS</h2> + + <p>An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of + the boarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" + figured. She was unable for a moment to think of the word.</p> + + <p>"It was one of these—what do you call them?—one + of these long German dogs."</p> + + <p>The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. + "Frankfurters!"</p><a name="H_0152" + id="H_0152"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DAMAGES</h2> + + <p>The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and + this anecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of + Utah.</p> + + <p>A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and + after being confined to his home for several weeks he appeared + on the street walking with the aid of crutches.</p> + + <p>"Hello, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to + shake his hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around + again."</p> + + <p>"Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around + again."</p> + + <p>"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed the + acquaintance. "Can't you do without them?"</p> + + <p>"My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my + lawyer says I can't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent + of the street-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. + Yesterday, as my wife was getting off one of your cars, the + conductor stept on her dress and tore a yard of frilling off + the skirt."</p> + + <p>The superintendent remained cool.</p> + + <p>"Well, sir," he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for + that. What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," + the other man replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand + a small piece of silk.</p> + + <p>"What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this + silk."</p><a name="H_0153" + id="H_0153"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DANCING</h2> + + <p>The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was + denouncing the new styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter + of the house, he asked sternly:</p> + + <p>"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance + these dances are right?"</p> + + <p>"They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls + who don't dance them are always left."</p><a name="H_0154" + id="H_0154"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DAYLIGHT SAVING</h2> + + <p>"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"</p> + + <p>"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd + really prefer not to use any daylight at all."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much + interested in the adjustment of the time, and on the morning + when the clocks had been set back an hour awoke his mother.</p> + + <p>"Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to + Mrs. Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to + set their crow back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., + "I've heerd something or nuther about setting the clock + for'ards or bac'ards for some reason. I don't prezisely know + what. But it don't make no special difference at our house one + way or tother for the clock runs about as it pleases till some + of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess and b'gosh as you + might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what's the + odds? We've got all the time there is anyway."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one a + grandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel + clock on the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been + altered to the Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, + Geordie," asked a customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and + not the gran'faither's clock?"</p> + + <p>"Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's + clock's been tellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa + can't find it in me heart te make a liar ov it noo. But the + little begger wes made in Jarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's + as reet as can be for that job."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What is worrying you now?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually + pensive. "I am merely trying to figure out what has become of + all the daylight I saved since we set the clocks forward."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house + have run down. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the + junction and find out what time it is."</p> + + <p>"I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?"</p> + + <p>"Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on + a piece of paper."</p><a name="H_0155" + id="H_0155"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DEAD BEATS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Bills; Collecting of + accounts.</p><a name="H_0156" + id="H_0156"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DEBTS</h2> + + <p>CREDITOR—"You couldn't go around in your fine + automobile if you paid your debts."</p> + + <p>DEBTOR—"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same + light that I do."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HARDUPPE—"I really must apologize for looking so + shabby."</p> + + <p>FLUBDUBB—"Oh, clothes don't make the man."</p> + + <p>HARDUPPE—"Still, many a man owes a lot to his + tailor."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Look 'ere—I asks yer for the last time for that + 'arf-dollar yer owes me."</p> + + <p>"Thank 'evins!—that's the end of a silly + question."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A floating debt is a poor life saver.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an + invariable rule to settle all their debts on New-year's + day."</p> + + <p>"So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the + Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OKE—"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money + you wanted?"</p> + + <p>OWENS—"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my + creditors wanted."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. THURSDAY—"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is + doing settlement work lately."</p> + + <p>MR. FRIDAY—"Yes, his creditors finally cornered + him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he + is?"</p> + + <p>"I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more + than a week at a time."</p> + + <p>RASTUS—"How much, boss?"</p> + + <p>DRUGGIST—"Sixty cents and three cents war tax."</p> + + <p>RASTUS—"Boss, Ah done thought de wah was over."</p> + + <p>DRUGGIST—"Sure, it is, but we have to pay the + debts."</p> + + <p>RASTUS—"Boss, Ah always thought de one whut lost paid + de debts. Dat's why I fight so hard."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I was preparing to shave a chap the other afternoon," says + a head barber. "I had trimmed his hair, and from such talk as I + had had with him I judged him to be an easy-going, unexcitable + sort of fellow. But suddenly his manner changed. Out of the + corner of his eye he had seen a man enter whose appearance + upset him."</p> + + <p>"Hurry, George!" he muttered to me. "Lather to the + eyes—quick, quick! Here comes my tailor!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>IRATE FATHER—"It's astonishing, Richard, how much + money you need."</p> + + <p>SON—"I don't need it, father; it's the hotel-keepers, + the tailors, and the taxicab men."</p> + + <p><i>See also</i> Bills; Collecting of + accounts.</p><a name="H_0157" + id="H_0157"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DEGREES</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You college men seem to take life pretty easy."</p> + + <p>"Yes; even when we graduate we do it by + degrees."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Boston Transcript</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Our British cousins seem to think we have peculiar ways of + getting our D.D.'s over here. A London newspaper relates how + the congregation of a Southern church, being desirous of + honoring their pastor, wrote to the dean of a certain faculty: + "We want to get our beloved pastor a D.D. We enclose all the + money we can raise at present. Be good enough to send one D. + now. We hope to raise sufficient for the other D. by and + by."</p><a name="H_0158" + id="H_0158"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DEMAGOG</h2> + + <p>"Father," said the small boy, "what is a demagog?"</p> + + <p>"A demagog, my son, is a man who can rock the boat himself + and persuade everybody that there's a terrible storm at + sea."</p><a name="H_0159" + id="H_0159"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DEMOCRACY</h2> + + <p>ADKINS—"Well, the world is at last safe for + democracy."</p> + + <p>WATKINS—"Just what is democracy, anyway?"</p> + + <p>"A democracy is a form of government where one party doesn't + do things as they ought to be done, and the other party tells + how much better they would be done if it were in power."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In his first lecture in New York the visiting English writer + and wit, G.K. Chesterton, protested against prohibition and + other limitations on American freedom. He quoted the phrase + from Patrick Henry's address, "Give me liberty or give me + death." Then he said:</p> + + <p>"If Patrick Henry could arise from the dead and revisit the + land of the living and see the vast system and social + organization and social science which now controls, he would + probably simplify his observation and say: 'Give me + death!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Democracy means not "I am as good as you are," but "you are + as good as I am."—<i>Theodore + Parker</i>.</p><a name="H_0160" + id="H_0160"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DENTISTS</h2> + + <p>"Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the + victim, "but before beginning this work I must have my + drill."</p> + + <p>"Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't + you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time + before she got up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment + he touched her tooth she screamed.</p> + + <p>"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't + you know I'm a 'painless dentist'?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah + isn't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DENTIST—"Open wider, please—wider."</p> + + <p>PATIENT—"A—A—A—Ah."</p> + + <p>DENTIST (inserting rubber gag, towel, and + sponge)—"How's your family?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a dentist + ordering a set as follows:</p> + + <p>"My mouth is three inches acrost, five-eighths inches threw + the jaw. Some hummocky on the edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, + toe forward. If you want me to be more particular, I shall have + to come thar."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dentist, speaking to patient about to have a tooth + extracted—"Have you heard the latest song hit?"</p> + + <p>Patient—"No. What is the title of it?"</p> + + <p>Dentist—"The Yanks are Coming."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have + a loose tooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows:</p> + + <p>"The doctor told me 'fore he began that if I cried or + screamed it would cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it + would be only fifty cents."</p> + + <p>"Did you scream?" his mother asked.</p> + + <p>"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty + cents."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Harkins had taken his boy, aged ten, to have an + offending molar tooth drawn. When the job had been + accomplished, the dentist said: "I am sorry, sir, but I shall + have to charge you five dollars for pulling that tooth."</p> + + <p>"Five dollars!" exclaimed Mr. Harkins, in dismay. "Why, I + understood you to say that you charged only one dollar for such + work!"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so + terribly that he scared four other patients out of the + office."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p><a name="H_0161" + id="H_0161"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DEPARTMENT STORES</h2> + + <p>"I want some shoe-strings, some hairpins, a pair of gloves, + and a tooth-brush," the woman said. "I have to catch a train, + and have but a few minutes."</p> + + <p>"Yes, madam!" the floorwalker replied briskly. "That's the + beauty of a department store-get anything you want, right under + the one roof! Take elevator to eleventh floor, shoe department, + eight aisles to the right from the main passageway, for + shoe-strings; hairpins in notions department, east side of + basement, three aisles beyond hardware; gloves in women's wear, + fifth floor of annex, reached by passageway over street; + toothbrush in drugs and toilet-articles department, on balcony, + reached by moving stairway, which you will find on your right + as you pass the fountain in the florist shop in the center of + the main floor."</p><a name="H_0162" + id="H_0162"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DESTINATION</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Where'er I go, in this far land,</p> + + <p>The people wish to understand</p> + + <p>Where I am going. If I knew</p> + + <p>They would not think my answer true;</p> + + <p>And if I said I did not know</p> + + <p>They would advise me not to go.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in + Wales. Came to a station which rejoiced in the name + Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych. For a few minutes he stood looking + at the signboard in mute helplessness. Then pointing to the + board, and waving his other arm toward the carriages, he + called, "If there's anybody there for here, this is + it!"</p><a name="H_0163" + id="H_0163"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DETECTIVES</h2> + + <p>HOKUS—"How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?"</p> + + <p>POKUS—"Great. You know, he used to work in the repair + department of an umbrella factory."</p> + + <p>"What has that got to do with being a detective?"</p> + + <p>"Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never + been stolen."</p><a name="H_0164" + id="H_0164"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DETERMINATION</h2> + + <p>"Thirty years ago," said the man who had traveled to the end + of the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, + unaided, without friends to help me along, with the intention + of making the world pay me the living that it owes me. My only + allies were a dollar bill and a determination to make a million + more. Today (and he threw out his chest proudly) I still have + the determination and fifty cents in change."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When hope seems dim</p> + + <p class="i2">And the worst's in sight,</p> + + <p>When you've lost your vim,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just hang on tight;</p> + + <p>Give blow for a blow,</p> + + <p class="i2">And don't give in,</p> + + <p>Till you've let 'em all know</p> + + <p class="i2">That you tried to win.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0165" + id="H_0165"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DIAGNOSIS</h2> + + <p>FRIEND—"What is the first thing you do when a man + presents himself to you for consultation?"</p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"I ask him if he has a car."</p> + + <p>FRIEND—"What do you learn from that?"</p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"If he has one, I know he is wealthy—and + if he hasn't, I know he is healthy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great + evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become + rather hoarse.</p> + + <p>A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her + son, "Isn't it wonderful? What do you think of him?"</p> + + <p>"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it.</p> + + <p>"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market."</p> + + <p>"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you + sent me is most unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; + calf's liver is tender and——"</p> + + <p>"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor."</p> + + <p>"What is it?" Wilkins asked.</p> + + <p>The bookkeeper surrendered the phone.</p> + + <p>"Mrs. Blank," he said. "Liver Complaint."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning + with a desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was + worth trying, anyway. At the dispensary the "doc." looked him + over, felt his pulse, and took his temperature. Then he + said:</p> + + <p>"I can't find anything wrong with you."</p> + + <p>No answer.</p> + + <p>"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?"</p> + + <p>"Doc," replied Axel. "That bane your yob."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah + seed de doctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy."</p> + + <p>"It was for my brother, Lila."</p> + + <p>"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?"</p> + + <p>"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and + sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda + in the sun, and seems as well as any one; but he can't do any + work at all."</p> + + <p>"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' + got! Dat's a + gif!"—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p><a name="H_0166" + id="H_0166"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DILEMMAS</h2> + + <p>The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of + his office; hence the following:</p> + + <p>One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and + whispered a brief message. The occupant rose at once and both + men left the orchestra hastily and made for the + dressing-rooms.</p> + + <p>"It's the leading lady," wailed one of the actresses, + meeting them; "come this way."</p> + + <p>"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, + solemnly.</p> + + <p>"Yes, from the fire-bucket."</p> + + <p>"The fire bucket!—what a fearful blunder! Here," and + he scribbled a line on a card, "take this to the drug-store and + get it filled."</p> + + <p>When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, + she opened her eyes.</p> + + <p>"Doctor," she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I + know you are aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I + want a day off, and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you + fix it?"</p> + + <p>"You bet I can," said the doctor, wringing her hand, + sympathetically. "I ain't no doctor. I came in on this + ticket."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on + Park avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my + office, proving the property and paying for this ad. If she + will explain to my wife that I had nothing to do with its being + there, I will pay for the ad.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't + I?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, dear."</p> + + <p>"And should I go to heaven?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?"</p> + + <p>"And would the bear have to go too?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each + man mark with chalk the number on every car of coal mined.</p> + + <p>One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it + with a number one and, after pondering a while, let it go at + that.</p> + + <p>Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a + mistake, called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked + the car number one instead of eleven.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I know," said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de + odder wan go on."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One + morning on going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah + looked as if she had been tangled up with a road-roller.</p> + + <p>"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened + to you?"</p> + + <p>"Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me + ag'in, an' jes' fo' nothin', too!"</p> + + <p>"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in + the habit of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?"</p> + + <p>"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy," was the + rejoinder of Dinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his + fine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Yes," said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to + be partly indoors and partly outdoors."</p> + + <p>"That's all right," said the applicant, "but what becomes of + me when the door slams + shut?"—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0167" + id="H_0167"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DINING</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Nocturne</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The hour grows late,</p> + + <p>And hungrily I wait</p> + + <p>To hear her say</p> + + <p>Three words—three little words,</p> + + <p>Yet great</p> + + <p>Enough to bring completeness to the day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At last she comes,</p> + + <p>Cassandra tall and dark—</p> + + <p>Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums,</p> + + <p>And pauses shamelessly to mark</p> + + <p>How her delay has angered or unnerved</p> + + <p>The weak among us. Then she snuffles—Hark!</p> + + <p><i>"Dinnah am served!"</i></p> + + <p class="i32">—E.W.B.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?"</p> + + <p>"Bobbie has no between meals."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged + a room at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about + the hours for dining.</p> + + <p>"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to + three, and supper from three to eight," explained the + clerk.</p> + + <p>"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time + air I goin' ter git ter see the town?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mama, I want a dark breakfast."</p> + + <p>"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?"</p> + + <p>"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, + and I didn't like it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)—"You always ought to + use your napkin, Georgie."</p> + + <p>GEORGIE—"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied + to the leg of the table with it."</p><a name="H_0168" + id="H_0168"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DIPLOMACY</h2> + + <p>"Father," said the small boy, "what is an overt act?"</p> + + <p>"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you + to be so rude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't + notice it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, sir," said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you + to be the chairman of the big meeting which we are to + hold."</p> + + <p>"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily.</p> + + <p>"I don't quite follow you."</p> + + <p>"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to + meet?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining + parlor" in a little Northwestern town, and, as customers are + rather scarce thereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of + them. But his "parlor" has to be run on a strict cash basis. So + when a man a little too well known to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" + about town came in to have his shoes shined and suggested to + the old negro a desire to pay at a later date, Uncle Mose did + some quick thinking.</p> + + <p>"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is," he replied with diplomatic + suavity; "but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de + nex' cohner an' me—we done made a 'greement dat ef I + didn't loan money he wouldn't shine shoes, an' I jes' cain't + break dat 'greement."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone + else have your way.</p><a name="H_0169" + id="H_0169"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISARMAMENT</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Were half the power that fills the world with + terror,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were half the wealth bestowed on camps + and courts</p> + + <p>Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR,</p> + + <p class="i2">There were no need of arsenals and + forts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"What do you think of this disarmament idea?"</p> + + <p>"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their + player piano, I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking + singing lessons."</p><a name="H_0170" + id="H_0170"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISCHARGE</h2> + + <p>COMMANDING OFFICER—"Snathy, here is your honorable + discharge, you ought to be proud of it."</p> + + <p>SNATHY—"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was + discharged ah was jest fired."</p><a name="H_0171" + id="H_0171"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISCIPLINE</h2> + + <p>The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to + speak sharply to one of the pupils.</p> + + <p>"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, + and you must remain with me an hour after school."</p> + + <p>Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, + "if your wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into + practice. No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the + individuality of every child is considered too sacred for + repression.</p> + + <p>One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little + Grace arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth + covered with blood.</p> + + <p>"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother.</p> + + <p>The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her + mother's arms. Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and + knocked out two teeth.</p> + + <p>When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her + father wanted to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy.</p> + + <p>"She didn't do anything," said Grace.</p> + + <p>"Well, what did she say?"</p> + + <p>"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you + know that was very anti-social?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HUSBAND—"You'll never get that new dog of yours to + mind you."</p> + + <p>WIFE—"Oh, yes, I will.—You were just as + troublesome yourself at first."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Children; Parents.</p><a name="H_0172" + id="H_0172"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISCOUNTS</h2> + + <p>SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS—"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to + accept five cents on a tollar—cash."</p> + + <p>COHEN, THE DEBTOR—"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I + get der regular cash + discount?"—<i>Puck</i>.</p><a name="H_0173" + id="H_0173"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISCRETION</h2> + + <p>WILLIE—"Pa, what is discretion?"</p> + + <p>FATHER—"Oh, that's only another name for lack of + nerve, my son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win + all the duties of + life.—<i>Addison</i>.</p><a name="H_0174" + id="H_0174"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISPOSITION</h2> + + <p>"Allow me to congratulate you."</p> + + <p>"What for?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, for just anything—the sunshine, the blue skies, + the fact that you are up and about. Isn't that something?"</p> + + <p>"No!"</p> + + <p>"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like + yours."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped + the Grouch on the street.</p> + + <p>"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on + traveling.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that + you fat fellows are always good natured?"</p> + + <p>"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either + fight or run."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"</p> + + <p>"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good + time thinking what a good time she would have if she were + having it."</p><a name="H_0175" + id="H_0175"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DISTANCES</h2> + + <p>The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek + belonging to an American traveler, and remarked that "the + German Army might get there some time," should be classed with + the London banker who said to a solicitous mother seeking to + send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for her wandering son: "We + haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, but I'll give you a + draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any fine + afternoon."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: + "Hey uncle! How far is it to Lexington?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, + but ev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, + suh."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Where do you live in the city—close in?"</p> + + <p>"Fairly so—thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by + motor-car, twenty-five by street-car, and forty-five by + telephone."</p><a name="H_0176" + id="H_0176"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DIVORCE</h2> + + <p>"Binks has married again."</p> + + <p>"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon + need a new reference-book—"Who's Whose."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a + divorce)—"Well, you can get it for about twenty pounds; + everything done quietly and no publicity."</p> + + <p>CLIENT—"And how much will the real thing cost, with + lots of publicity and everything?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)—"Let's see, what + is the name of the place where so much was done toward + promoting peace in the world?"</p> + + <p>HUB—"Reno, my dear."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your + section?"</p> + + <p>"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of + a woman crying at a wedding out there."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was + cleaned before it was pressed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What are you cutting out of the paper?"</p> + + <p>"An item about a California man securing a divorce because + his wife went through his pockets."</p> + + <p>"What are you going to do with it?"</p> + + <p>"Put it in my pocket."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Scotsman, married, desires change."—<i>Weekly + Paper</i>.</p> + + <p>We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very + congested just now.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a + detour.</p><a name="H_0177" + id="H_0177"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DOCTORS</h2> + + <p>"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have + successfully passed for your degree?"</p> + + <p>YOUNG DOCTOR—"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and + 'Dr.' after the name of other people."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Who is your family doctor?"</p> + + <p>"I can't tell you."</p> + + <p>"Why not? Don't you know his name?"</p> + + <p>"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays + mother goes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach + specialist; my sister goes to a throat specialist; my brother + is in the care of a lung specialist, and I'm taking treatments + from an osteopath."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great + sat in his study reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. + His man servant appeared at the door.</p> + + <p>"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. + Shall I chase them away?"</p> + + <p>The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his + eyes at the servant.</p> + + <p>"No," he said.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite + instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head he + started to leave the office, when the doctor said:</p> + + <p>"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me."</p> + + <p>"Pay yo for what, boss?"</p> + + <p>"For my advice," replied the doctor.</p> + + <p>"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus + shuffled out.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>M.D.—"Would you have the price if I said you needed an + operation?"</p> + + <p>MANNING—"Would you say I needed an operation if you + thought I didn't have the price?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, + who had come to England to learn the language.</p> + + <p>His only chum told him.</p> + + <p>"That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story + I am reading that the doctor pronounced it fatal."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis + cases he learned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for + that disease the post-mortem examinations showed that the + appendix was in perfect condition.</p> + + <p>"The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I + heard in London recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment + of the patient, when he is admitted, is denoted by certain + letters, such as 'T. B.' for tuberculosis. An American doctor + was examining these history slips when his curiosity was + aroused by the number on which the letters 'G.O.K.' appeared. + He said to the physician who was showing him around:</p> + + <p>"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in + London. What is it, anyhow?'</p> + + <p>"Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English + physician.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and + nodded smilingly at his patient.</p> + + <p>"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you + think is the matter with you this morning?"</p> + + <p>"Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient + languidly. "What is new?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who + happened to be in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a + soldier; but my parents persuaded me to study medicine."</p> + + <p>"Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is + life. Many a man with wholesale aspirations has to content + himself with a retail business."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They + had retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. + In the closet of that room a small boy had been concealed by + the patient's directions to listen to what the consultation + decided and to tell the patient who desired genuine + information.</p> + + <p>"Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to + report, "what did they say?"</p> + + <p>"I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as + hard as I could, but they used such big words I couldn't + remember much of it. All I could catch was when one doctor + said:</p> + + <p>"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)—"Guess whom I + met today, doctor?"</p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser."</p> + + <p>"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of your + profession?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DOCTOR—"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me + when you did."</p> + + <p>"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start."</p> + + <p>"I know. I'm raising whiskers."</p> + + <p>"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for + 1876 to put in your anteroom."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PATIENT—"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"</p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"This is where I practice."</p> + + <p>PATIENT—"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I + want a doctor for to cure me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FRIEND—"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in + your profession?"</p> + + <p>SURGEON—"It has been my rule all along never to + perform an operation unless I was sure it would be a success + either way."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk + in front of his home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the + job. He went away for three days and when he returned found + O'Brien waiting for his money. The doctor was not satisfied + with his work and said: "O'Brien, the walk is covered with + gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a bad job."</p> + + <p>O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: + "Shure, Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with + gravel and dirt."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You say this doctor has a large practice?"</p> + + <p>"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter + with him he tells him so."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Why She Objected</i></p> + + <p>An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending + surgeon advised an operation. But the mother bitterly + objected.</p> + + <p>"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the + Scriptures is agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: + 'What God hath j'ined togither, let not man put asunder'?"</p> + + <p>REDD—"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a + fortnight."</p> + + <p>GREENE—"And did he?"</p> + + <p>"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SPECIALIST—"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I + can cure you for the small sum of $2,000."</p> + + <p>PATIENT—"And will my nerve be as good as yours + then?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students + an eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of + correct diagnosis of the maximum fee.</p> + + <p>"The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the + established specialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five + dollars a call at the residence, ten dollars for an office + consultation, and five dollars for a telephone + consultation."</p> + + <p>There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a + voice from the back of the theater, slightly thickened, + spoke:</p> + + <p>"Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for + passing you on the street?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.</p> + + <p>"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I + have never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or + professional curiosity."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must + confess that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical + science."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. + You see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet + he cures him all the same."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>A Great Difference</i></p> + + <p>A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and + prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man + whom he "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the + patient was leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor + and said:</p> + + <p>"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard + my father, Colonel Blank, speak of you."</p> + + <p>"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's + son?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly."</p> + + <p>"My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal + prescription in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the + matter with you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Father, what is a convalescent?"</p> + + <p>"A patient who is still alive, son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Young M.D.—"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; + can't you give me some rules for success?"</p> + + <p>"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills + very plainly."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MOTHER (after visitor had gone)—"Bobby, what on earth + made you stick out your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..."</p> + + <p>BOBBY—"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, + 'Littul man, how do you feel?'—and I thort he was a + doctor!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an + operation, exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't + be too sure," said the man in the next bed, "they left a sponge + in me and had to cut me open again." And the patient on the + other side said, "Why they had to open me, too, to find one of + their instruments." Just then the surgeon who had operated on + the Irishman, stuck his head in the door and yelled, "Has + anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, + in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long + on the sexton's misconduct as to draw from him this expression: + "Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to + appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of + yours!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DOCTOR (to patient)—"You've had a pretty close call. + It's only your strong constitution that pulled you + through."</p> + + <p>PATIENT—"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out + your bill."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a + rural audience.</p> + + <p>"Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for over + twenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, + what does that prove?"</p> + + <p>From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no + tales."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Bills; Remedies.</p><a name="H_0178" + id="H_0178"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DOGS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>My Dog</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He wastes no time in idle talk.</p> + + <p class="i2">His vows of friendship are unspoken.</p> + + <p>As in familiar ways we walk,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our musings by no word are broken.</p> + + <p>Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase</p> + + <p class="i2">(More light and garrulous am I),</p> + + <p>He answers with a speaking gaze,</p> + + <p class="i2">Half-sister to a song or sigh.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet is the silence of a friend</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose mood so merges with my own,</p> + + <p>And sad would be the journey's end</p> + + <p class="i2">Were I to pass this way alone.</p> + + <p>Perhaps the shadows and the dust</p> + + <p class="i2">Some faint reply would frame for me</p> + + <p>Should I demand if Time were just</p> + + <p class="i2">To merge all waters with the sea.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus pondering, a sigh I heave</p> + + <p class="i2">That thoughts my naked soul should + flay.</p> + + <p>Yet dreams of death he bids me leave,</p> + + <p class="i2">And glory in the living day.</p> + + <p>Before me in the path he leaps.</p> + + <p class="i2">He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come!</p> + + <p>Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!"</p> + + <p class="i2">And yet men say that he is dumb.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Jack Burroughs</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came + along and asked him what was the matter.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead—my nice old + collie!" sobbed Frederick.</p> + + <p>"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, + and you don't catch me crying."</p> + + <p>Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, + looking up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:</p> + + <p>"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Dogs and their Friends.</i></p> + + <p class="i14"><i>(The Greeting)</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks,</p> + + <p class="i2">A thousand tiny paws in welcome + waved,</p> + + <p>An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs</p> + + <p>Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed!</p> + + <p class="i2">Each satin nose will press its owner's + hand,</p> + + <p>Such happiness and frolic will abound</p> + + <p class="i2">When Anti-Cruelty meets all its + friends</p> + + <p>At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Marie Bordeaux</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dogs will be dogs.</p> + + <p>They also serve who only watch at night and + bark.</p> + + <p>Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have + loved at all.</p> + + <p>A little battle now and then is relished by the best + of dogs.</p> + + <p>Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog.</p> + + <p>For a dog, all roads lead home.</p> + + <p>Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide + and</p> + + <p class="i4">you hide alone.</p> + + <p>Dogs should be trained but not hurt.</p> + + <p>A buried bone is a joy forever.</p> + + <p>Fidelity, thy name is Fido.</p> + + <p class="i32">—<i>Edmund J. Kiefer</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A friend may smile and bid you hail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet wish you with the devil;</p> + + <p>But when a good dog wags his tail,</p> + + <p class="i2">You know he's on the level.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6"><i>The Seven Wonders of the + World.</i></p> + + <p class="i10">(<i>According to Fido</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">His master.</p> + + <p class="i10">Meat.</p> + + <p class="i10">Children.</p> + + <p class="i10">Rags.</p> + + <p class="i10">The moon.</p> + + <p class="i10">Being tickled.</p> + + <p class="i10">Fleas.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was + nearer to his heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met + swift and hideous death on the turnpike road the boy's mother + trembled to break the news. But it had to be, and when he came + home from school she told him simply:</p> + + <p>"Paddy has been run over and killed."</p> + + <p>He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five + minutes after he had gone to bed there echoed through the house + a shrill and sudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs + with solicitude and pity.</p> + + <p>"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and + killed."</p> + + <p>"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem + to be troubled at all."</p> + + <p>"No; but—but I didn't know you said Paddy. I—I + thought you said daddy!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PUP—"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a + building right where I buried a bone!"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Dachshunds.</p><a name="H_0179" + id="H_0179"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DOMESTIC FINANCE</h2> + + <p>LITTLE TOMMY—"What does 'close quarters' mean, + Ma?"</p> + + <p>WEARY MOTHER—"It's a definition of my trying to get + twenty-five cents from your father."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?"</p> + + <p>"Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my + son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WIFE—"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the + week."</p> + + <p>HUSBAND—"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that + check last longer than that!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New + York on business. It will only take a day or so and I hope you + won't miss me too much while I'm gone, but—"</p> + + <p>"I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm + going with you."</p> + + <p>"I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this + time. What would you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be + too busy to be with you, and—"</p> + + <p>"I have to go. I need clothes."</p> + + <p>"But, darling—you can get all the clothes you want + right here on Euclid Avenue."</p> + + <p>"Thank you. That's all I wanted."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my + extravagance this month."</p> + + <p>"Ready to give him an argument, eh?"</p> + + <p>"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the + house, and I've got 'em."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.</p> + + <p>"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman + economical who saves her wedding dress for a possible second + marriage, I'd love to know just what you do call economy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"But your fiancé has such a small salary, how are you + going to live?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without + such a lot of things that Jack needs."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective + employer.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir," said the applicant.</p> + + <p>"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me + more about yourself."</p> + + <p>"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One + night after supper I sat down and in less than an hour found + out how much we owed our grocer."</p> + + <p>"Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad + smile. "The job is yours."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must + insist that we try to live within our income."</p> + + <p>SHE—"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered + eccentric by everybody in our set."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned + from their honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding + before we settle down to married life. Are you the president or + the vice-president of the society?"</p> + + <p>"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she + answered. "I will be content with a subordinate position."</p> + + <p>"What position is that, my dear?"</p> + + <p>"Treasurer."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SHE—"When we go anywhere now we have to take the + street-car. Before our marriage you always called a taxi."</p> + + <p>HE—"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in + the street-car now."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way."</p> + + <p>"So does mine—so far that none of it ever comes + back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife."</p> + + <p>"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting + her."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIS—"The Highfliers are going to give up their big + house this winter."</p> + + <p>MRS. WILLIS—"You must be mistaken. I was talking with + Mrs. Highflier only yesterday."</p> + + <p>WILLIS—"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only + this morning."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was + to contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard + work. The night of the collection of the dollars came, and + various and droll were the stories of earning the money. One + woman had shampooed hair, another had made doughnuts, another + had secured newspaper subscriptions, and so on.</p> + + <p>The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front + row.</p> + + <p>"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn + your dollar?"</p> + + <p>"I got it from my husband," she answered.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work + about that."</p> + + <p>The woman smiled faintly.</p> + + <p>"You don't know my husband," she said.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen + roses every week," said she.</p> + + <p>"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send + around two tons of coal and a rib-roast."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LANDLADY—"That new boarder is either a married man or + a widower."</p> + + <p>PRETTY DAUGHTER—"Why, ma, he says he is a + bachelor."</p> + + <p>LANDLADY—"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his + pocketbook to pay his board he always turns his back to + me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he + spends for cigars."</p> + + <p>"How does it work?"</p> + + <p>"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the + drinks and I buy him the cigars."</p><a name="H_0180" + id="H_0180"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DOMESTIC RELATIONS</h2> + + <p>HUSBAND (newly married)—"Don't you think, love, if I + were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?"</p> + + <p>WIFE—"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful + husband in the world; certainly it would."</p> + + <p>HUSBAND—"Well, then, take the curtains down."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Willie's grandmother had come to visit them.</p> + + <p>"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of + conversation.</p> + + <p>"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little + fellow), "all I got to say is you're on the wrong side."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SHE—"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the + minister and people are married."</p> + + <p>HE—"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a + sleeping husband and people are divorced."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane + raid.</p> + + <p>"Any damage done your way?" the first asked.</p> + + <p>"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother + were blown clean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the + first time they've been seen to leave the house together in + seventeen years."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Families; Marriage.</p><a name="H_0181" + id="H_0181"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DREAMS</h2> + + <p>"Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a + little boy who was busily engaged with his breakfast + cereal.</p> + + <p>"Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't + the slightest idea what your dream was about."</p> + + <p>"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy + reproachfully. "You were in it."</p><a name="H_0182" + id="H_0182"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DRINKING</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If all be true that I do think,</p> + + <p class="i2">There are five reasons we should + drink;</p> + + <p>Good wine—a friend—or being + dry—</p> + + <p class="i2">Or lest we should be by and by—</p> + + <p>Or any other reason why.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dr. Henry Aldrich</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would + brighten it up considerably.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Dangerous Advice</i></p> + + <p>CURATE—"You should be careful! Don't you know that + drink is mankind's worst enemy?"</p> + + <p>JEEMS—"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our + enemies?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland + failed recently, was discussing his failure with a New York + editor.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions + in Scotland are very bad."</p> + + <p>"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This + story illustrates Scottish conditions very well.</p> + + <p>"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and + as it was rainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a + teaspoonful or two of whisky after her bath to keep herself + from catching cold. Then in her dressing-gown she went to bid + her little daughter good night. She stooped over the child's + cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kiss the little girl + drew back sharply, sniffed and said:</p> + + <p>"'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven't + you?'"—<i>Detroit Free Press</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when + I deliver this speech."</p> + + <p>"Yassuh."</p> + + <p>"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I + take a drink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my + forehead with my handkerchief, you laugh."</p> + + <p>"You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable + to make me laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' + a drink o' water."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, + desiring to test the relative efficiency of two makes of + mucilage, handed the bottles one morning to his shiny-faced + negro messenger.</p> + + <p>"Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the + stickiest."</p> + + <p>John did not show up at the office again until about + noon-time. He approached his employer's desk somewhat + cautiously and gingerly deposited thereon the two bottles of + mucilage.</p> + + <p>"Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the + stickiest?"</p> + + <p>"It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma + mouf de most; but de other one, de taste lasted de + longest."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNABLE SEAMAN—"When I come around again the surgeon, + he says to me, 'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I + was thinking about,' he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', + and I believe it's sewed up inside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I + says, 'let it be.' An there it is to this day."</p> + + <p>GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN—"Bless my soul! Don't it + trouble you?"</p> + + <p>UNABLE SEAMAN—"I don't feel no particular pain from + it, but I do get most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Drunkards; Temperance.</p><a name="H_0183" + id="H_0183"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DRUNKARDS</h2> + + <p>The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and + Mr. Choate, Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to + the door.</p> + + <p>"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," + said Mr. Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will + see two hansoms. Take the one to the right: the one to the left + doesn't exist."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An intoxicated man hailed a cab.</p> + + <p>After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, + "What street do you want?"</p> + + <p>"What streets have you?" he inquired.</p> + + <p>"Lots of 'em," smiled the cabby, humoring him.</p> + + <p>"Gimme 'em all," he said, waving his arm grandly.</p> + + <p>After they had been driving for several hours, the man in + the cab ordered a stop.</p> + + <p>"How mush do I owe you?"</p> + + <p>"Seven dollars and fifty cents."</p> + + <p>"Well—you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' + shents, 'cause thashall I got."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WIFEY—"I heard a noise when you came in last + night."</p> + + <p>HUBBY—"Perhaps it was the night falling."</p> + + <p>WIFEY (coldly)—"No, it wasn't, it was the day + breaking."</p><a name="H_0184" + id="H_0184"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DUTCH</h2> + + <p>BIX—"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete + bases for German cannon have been found there."</p> + + <p>DIX—"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The + geography says it is a low, lying country."</p><a name="H_0185" + id="H_0185"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>DYSPEPSIA</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Joy of Eating</i></p> + + <p>A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating + mush and milk.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.</p> + + <p>"Got dyspepsia."</p> + + <p>"Don't you enjoy your meals?"</p> + + <p>"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals + are merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, + "but—"</p> + + <p>"No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so + talkative that everybody else wants to kill + them."</p><a name="H_0186" + id="H_0186"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EATING</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>If We Didn't Have To Eat</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life would be an easy matter</p> + + <p class="i2">If we didn't have to eat.</p> + + <p class="i4">If we never had to utter,</p> + + <p class="i4">"Won't you pass the bread and butter,</p> + + <p>Likewise push along that platter</p> + + <p class="i2">Full of meat?"</p> + + <p class="i2">Yes, if food were obsolete</p> + + <p class="i2">Life would be a jolly treat,</p> + + <p>If we didn't—shine or shower,</p> + + <p>Old or young, 'bout every hour—</p> + + <p class="i2">Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, + eat—</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to + eat.</p> + + <p>We could save a lot of money</p> + + <p class="i2">If we didn't have to eat.</p> + + <p class="i4">Could we cease our busy buying,</p> + + <p class="i4">Baking, broiling, brewing, frying,</p> + + <p>Life would then be oh, so sunny</p> + + <p class="i2">And complete;</p> + + <p class="i2">And we wouldn't fear to greet</p> + + <p class="i2">Every grocer in the street</p> + + <p>If we didn't—man and woman,</p> + + <p>Every hungry, helpless human—</p> + + <p class="i2">Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, + eat—</p> + + <p class="i2">We'd save money if we didn't have to + eat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All our worry would be over</p> + + <p class="i2">If we didn't have to eat.</p> + + <p class="i4">Would the butcher, baker, grocer</p> + + <p class="i4">Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir!</p> + + <p>We would then be right in clover</p> + + <p class="i2">Cool and sweet.</p> + + <p class="i2">Want and hunger we could cheat,</p> + + <p class="i2">And we'd get there with both feet,</p> + + <p>If we didn't—poor or wealthy,</p> + + <p>Halt or nimble, sick or healthy—</p> + + <p class="i2">Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, + eat—</p> + + <p class="i2">We could get there if we didn't have to + eat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Nixon Waterman</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0187" + id="H_0187"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ECONOMY</h2> + + <p>TOM—"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood + behind her at the ticket window this morning and she took seven + minutes to buy a five-cent elevated ticket."</p> + + <p>ALICE—"Did that make you want to marry her?"</p> + + <p>TOM—"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my + income at that rate."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BOOK AGENT—"This book will teach you the way to + economize."</p> + + <p>THE VICTIM—"That's no good to me. What I need is a + book to teach me how to live without economizing."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How oft economy grows gay</p> + + <p class="i2">And boasts of its efficient work,</p> + + <p>When it has merely stopped the pay</p> + + <p class="i2">Of some two-thousand-dollar clerk!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Little June's father had just returned from the store and + was opening up some sheets of sticky fly-paper and placing it + about the room. June watched a minute and then burst out + with:</p> + + <p>"Oh, papa, down at the corner grocery you can get the paper + with the flies already caught. They have lots of it in the + window."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a + hundred dollars in the bank this month."</p> + + <p>"Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?"</p> + + <p>"No; I simply tore up all the bills."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; + Thrift.</p><a name="H_0188" + id="H_0188"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EDITORS</h2> + + <p>"An editor is a man who puts things in the paper, isn't + he?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, my son; an editor keeps things out of the + paper."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The editor of the newspaper in a certain small southern town + was given an article to print, praising in very elegant + language the life and works of a certain southern colonel.</p> + + <p>The colonel and the editor were not the best of friends.</p> + + <p>The article came out, but in spelling "scarred," in that + very important phrase "battle scarred veteran," one "r" was + omitted.</p> + + <p>The colonel threatened violence but the editor promised to + admit his error in the next issue.</p> + + <p>In the following issue, in large type, appeared: "The editor + of this paper regrets very much an error in spelling in our + last issue. In describing our most worthy colonel, instead of + 'battle scared veteran' it should read, 'bottle scarred + veteran.'"</p> + + <p>That day the editor ceased to edit. His wife was a + widow.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A country editor wrote: "Brother, don't stop your paper just + because you don't agree with the editor. The last cabbage you + sent us didn't agree with us either, but we didn't drop you + from our subscription list on that account."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The girl reporter accepted the editor's invitation to dinner + and when asked how she enjoyed it, said:</p> + + <p>"Oh, fine, but I'll never go to dinner with an editor + again."</p> + + <p>"Why not?"</p> + + <p>"Well, the dinner was fine, but he blue-penciled about + three-quarters of my order."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>You may know the trade classic about the exchange editor. + The new owner of the newspaper asked who that man was in the + corner. "The exchange editor," he was informed. "Well, fire + him," said he. "All he seems to do is sit there and read all + day."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little boy was given the stunt by his father to write an + essay on editors and here is the result:</p> + + <p>"If an editor makes a mistake folks say he ought to be hung; + but if a doctor makes a mistake he buries it and people dassent + say nothing because doctors can read and write Latin. When the + editor makes a mistake there is lawsuits and a big fuss; but if + a doctor makes one there is a funeral, cut flowers and perfek + silence. A doctor can use a word a yard long without anyone + knowing what it means; but if the editor uses one he has to + spell it. If the doctor goes to see another man's wife he + charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets a charge + of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of being + overcome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; + when an editor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if + he dies it's the jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an + editor has to be born."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, + and at the same time be religious, funny, scientific and + historical at will, write to please everybody, know everything, + without asking or being told, always having something good to + say of everything and everybody else, live on wind and make + more money than enemies. For such a man, a good opening will be + made in the "graveyard." He is too good to live.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. + "You look so funny when you think," observed the blandishing + Miss Harriette Underbill as she passed the given point known as + our desk late yesterday afternoon.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)—"I shall expect you + to write all the editorials, do the religious and sporting + departments and turn out a joke column."</p> + + <p>ASSISTANT—"What are you going to do?"</p> + + <p>"Edit your copy."</p><a name="H_0189" + id="H_0189"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EDUCATION</h2> + + <p>Education—the sum total of all the things we haven't + been taught.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIE (doing his homework)—"What is the distance to + the nearest star, Auntie?"</p> + + <p>"I'm sure I don't know, Willie."</p> + + <p>"Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm + getting punished for your ignorance."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling + a dispute between two blockaders. The one in whose favor the + verdict was cast was filled with admiration for the facility + with which Henry made out the papers.</p> + + <p>"You are one of those 'read' men, ain't you Henry?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I kin read right smart," modestly admitted Henry.</p> + + <p>"You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry + nodded his head.</p> + + <p>"I reckon you been through algebra!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I have," said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't + see nothing."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EMPLOYER—"For this job you've got to know French and + Spanish, and the pay is eighteen dollars a week."</p> + + <p>"Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in + the yards."</p> + + <p>"See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at + forty."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin College, a + man brought for entrance as a student his son, for whom he + wished a shorter course than the regular one.</p> + + <p>"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. "He + wants to get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; + it all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants + to make an oak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two + months to make a squash."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post + will now be able to enlighten her husband on a troublesome + subject.</p> + + <p>"Doctor," she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell + me how it is that some folks be born dumb?"</p> + + <p>"Why—hem!—why, certainly, ma'am," replied the + doctor. "It is because they come into the world without power + of speech."</p> + + <p>"Dear me," remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have + a physical edication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my + old man a hundred times that there same question, and all he + would ever say was, 'Cause they be.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROFESSOR—"So, sir, you said that I was a learned + jackass, did you?"</p> + + <p>FRESHIE—"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a + burro of information."</p><a name="H_0190" + id="H_0190"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EFFICIENCY</h2> + + <p>After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed + to get a "maid" of sorts.</p> + + <p>"Now, Thurza," said she, "be careful about the water. We + only use the well water for drinking, as we have to pay a man + to pump it. The rain water is good enough for washing up and so + on."</p> + + <p>After tea Mrs. Timson asked:</p> + + <p>"Did you remember about the water, Thurza?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full + of water from the butt and the other half with water from the + well. I thought the bottom half might as well be getting hot at + the same time for washing up after tea."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the + West in the early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. + The old gentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of + his wagon-wheels in going down a declivity. This precaution + appealed to the young fellow's idea of "safety first." He duly + reported the occurrence to his father, and begged him to get a, + lock-chain.</p> + + <p>"My son," said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out + with a team that can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to + hell."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)—"I have + here a most marvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one + small volume. It will save you fully 50 per cent of your time, + and so—"</p> + + <p>BUSINESS MAN (interrupting irritably)—"I already have + a system by which I can save 100 per cent of my time and yours. + I'll demonstrate it now—Good-day!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The hours I spend at work, dear heart</p> + + <p class="i2">Are as arithmetic to me;</p> + + <p>I count my motions every one apart—</p> + + <p class="i10">Efficiency.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Each hour a task, each task a test,</p> + + <p class="i2">Until my heart with doubt is wrung;</p> + + <p>I conservate my darndest, but at best</p> + + <p class="i10">The boss is stung.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O theories that twist and turn!</p> + + <p class="i2">O frantic gain and laggard loss!</p> + + <p>I'll standardize and stint at last to learn</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">To please the boss</p> + + <p class="i8">By gum!</p> + + <p class="i10">To please the boss.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"But," he adds, "as in everything else, there are + exceptions. There was Boggins, for instance. Boggins was a + great efficiency man in the office, but even more so at home. + Why, every time Boggins Junior was naughty his father laid him + on the floor and spread a rug over him, so that the beating + would kill two birds with one stone, as you might say."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A worm won't turn if you step on it right.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Efficiency is an admirable quality, but it can be overdone, + according to Representative M. Clyde Kelly, of + Pennsylvania.</p> + + <p>"Last election day," Mr. Kelly explains, "the city editor of + my newspaper in Braddock sent his best reporter out to learn if + the saloons were open in defiance of the law. Four days later + he returned and reported, 'They were.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so + quickly, and so well."</p> + + <p>"I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob + enthusiasm to de fuse ob yenergy—and jes natchurally + explodes, I does."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in + the past," said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his + overseer. "Just report the condition of the track as ye find + it, and don't put in a lot of needless words that ain't to the + point. Write a business letter, not a love-letter."</p> + + <p>A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the + overseer wrote his report to the manager in one line: + "Sir—Where the railway was the river is.—Yours + faithfully, ——."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and + it was necessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his + staff were ordered in haste to the place. Two days later came + the superintendent of the division. Alighting from his private + car, he encountered the old master bridge-builder.</p> + + <p>"Bill," said the superintendent—and the words quivered + with energy—"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay + costs the company money. Have you got the engineer's plans for + the new bridge?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the + engineer has the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is + up and the trains is passin' over + it."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can + show you how to earn more money than you are getting."</p> + + <p>"I do that now."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The boy was very small and the load he was pushing in the + wheelbarrow was very, very big.</p> + + <p>A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent + him a helping hand.</p> + + <p>"Really, my boy," he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to + get that barrow up the gutters alone."</p> + + <p>"I don't," replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some + jay a-standin' round as takes it up for + me."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. CASEY—"Me sister writes me that every bottle in + that box we sent her was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This + side up, with care' on it!"</p> + + <p>CASEY—"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on + the top, Oi printed it on the bottom, as well."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>COW—"Can you beat it? There's so much system around + here now that they file me in the barn under the letter C."</p> + + <p>HEN—"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. + They've put a rubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two + weeks ahead."</p><a name="H_0191" + id="H_0191"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EGOTISM</h2> + + <p>SMITH—"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man + plays. His drives were corking, his approaches superb and he + never missed a putt."</p> + + <p>JONES—"How much were you beaten by?"</p> + + <p>SMITH—"Why, I won!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>"I" and "Myself" and "Me"</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When on myself I sometimes turn</p> + + <p>My gaze, with introspection stern,</p> + + <p>Three persons there I seem to see,</p> + + <p>"I" and "Myself," they are, and "Me."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I" stands alone with confidence,</p> + + <p>Pugnacious, quick to take offense,</p> + + <p>Assertive, masterful and strong,</p> + + <p>Forever right and <i>never</i> wrong,</p> + + <p>As Lewis Carroll once avowed,</p> + + <p>"I" is extremely "stiff and proud."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Myself" is rather different,</p> + + <p>A chap who is less confident,</p> + + <p>Yet full conceited—selfish, too,</p> + + <p>And steeped in ego, through and through.</p> + + <p>Though others oft "Myself" decry,</p> + + <p>He's very, very dear to "I."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unlike the other two is "Me";</p> + + <p>A timid little fellow, he;</p> + + <p>Self-conscious, given oft to erring,</p> + + <p>My scorn and pity both incurring.</p> + + <p>Still, though he's shy as he can be,</p> + + <p>While few like "I," a lot like "Me."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Eliot Harlow Robinson</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the + truth is that he is only anxious that others be pleased with + what he does.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>I And Me</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wonder just what kind of guy</p> + + <p>Am I?</p> + + <p>I guess it's time I took</p> + + <p>A look inside of me</p> + + <p>To see—</p> + + <p>But, gee,</p> + + <p>I cuss</p> + + <p>I'm envious of what the other fellow's got,</p> + + <p>I loaf a lot,</p> + + <p>And foolish pleasures often buy—</p> + + <p>That is the kind of sham</p> + + <p>I am.</p> + + <p>When things go wrong</p> + + <p>I growl along</p> + + <p>And take it out</p> + + <p>On some good scout</p> + + <p>Who's not to blame,</p> + + <p>Whatever came—</p> + + <p>In fact</p> + + <p>The luck I lacked</p> + + <p>(Or luck I had,</p> + + <p>If mine was bad)</p> + + <p>Was mostly my</p> + + <p>Own fault. Why.</p> + + <p>I</p> + + <p>Am not a very pleasant guy,</p> + + <p>The poorest on the human shelf—</p> + + <p>And, now that I</p> + + <p>Size up myself,</p> + + <p>Whatever other folks may see,</p> + + <p>I do not make a hit with Me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Douglas Malloch</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0192" + id="H_0192"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EINSTEIN</h2> + + <p>"Max has sent me an interesting book, 'Relativity,' by + Einstein. Have you read it?"</p> + + <p>"No. I am waiting for it to be filmed."</p><a name="H_0193" + id="H_0193"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS</h2> + + <p>The wife of a Dorchester man who had the traditional + failing—he forgot to mail letters—has cured him. + The mail is delivered at their home before the breakfast + hour—which is comparatively late. One morning she said to + her husband:</p> + + <p>"Did you have any mail this morning, dear?"</p> + + <p>"Only a circular," he answered as he bit into a fine brown + slice of toast.</p> + + <p>"Huh," said the wife. "By the way, did you mail the letters + I gave you yesterday?"</p> + + <p>"Sure I did," was the righteously indignant reply.</p> + + <p>"Well," answered wifie, with an eloquent smile, "it's funny, + then, you had no letters this morning, because one of those I + gave you to mail was addressed to you—just as a sort of + key."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Callers were at the door and Bobbie was told to show them + into the parlor. He did so, and while his mother was fixing + herself up, he sat there rather embarrassed. Presently, seeing + the visitors glancing around the room, he said:</p> + + <p>"Well, what do you think of our stuff, anyway?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>KIND FRIEND (to composer who has just played his newly + written <i>revue</i> masterpiece)—"Yes, I've always liked + that little thing. Now play one of your own, won't you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Evelyn is very cowardly, and her father decided to have a + serious talk with his little daughter.</p> + + <p>"Father," she said at the close of his lecture, "when you + see a cow, ain't you 'fraid?"</p> + + <p>"No, certainly not, Evelyn."</p> + + <p>"When you see a bumblebee, ain't you 'fraid?"</p> + + <p>"No!" with scorn.</p> + + <p>"Ain't you 'fraid when it thunders?"</p> + + <p>"No," with laughter. "Oh, you silly, silly child!"</p> + + <p>"Papa," said Evelyn, solemnly, "ain't you 'fraid of nothing + in the world but mama?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Afraid to breathe, almost, the returned reveller crept + quietly into his bedchamber as the gray dawn was breaking. + Sitting on the edge of the bed, he cautiously undid his boots. + But, with all his care, his wife stirred in bed, and he + presently was all too well aware of a pair of sleepy eyes + regarding him over the edge of the sheet.</p> + + <p>"Why, Tom," yawned the little woman, "how early you are this + morning!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, my dear," replied Tom, stifling a groan, "I've got to + go to Montreal for the firm today."</p> + + <p>And replacing his footgear the wretched man dragged his + aching limbs out again into the cold and heartless streets.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A philanthropic New York woman was entertaining, in the + spacious grounds of her suburban residence, a large number of + East-Side children. On her rounds of hospitality she was + impressed with one strikingly beautiful little girl. She could + not have been more than nine years old, but her coal-black eyes + flashed with intelligence. The hostess introduced herself and + began a conversation.</p> + + <p>"Does what you see here today please you?" she asked. The + child eyed her host in silence.</p> + + <p>"Talk away," said the lady. "Don't be afraid."</p> + + <p>"Tell me," then said the child, "how many children have you + got?"</p> + + <p>Astonished at the question, the lady hesitated for a moment, + and then entered into the fun of the situation.</p> + + <p>"Ten," she replied.</p> + + <p>"Dear me," answered the child, "that is a very large family, + I hope you are careful and look after them. Do you keep them + all clean?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I do my best."</p> + + <p>"And is your husband at work?"</p> + + <p>"My husband does not do any kind of work. He never has."</p> + + <p>"That is very dreadful," replied the little girl earnestly, + "but I hope you keep out of debt."</p> + + <p>The game had gone too far for Lady Bountiful's enjoyment of + it.</p> + + <p>"You are a very rude and impertinent child," she burst out, + "to speak like that, and to me."</p> + + <p>The child became apologetic. "I'm sure I didn't mean to be, + ma'am," she explained. "But mother told me before I came that I + was to be sure to speak to you like a lady, and when any ladies + call on us, they always ask us those questions."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A gentleman who had married his cook was giving a dinner + party and between the courses the good lady sat with her hands + spread on the tablecloth.</p> + + <p>Suddenly the burr of conversation ceased and in the silence + that followed a young man on the right of his hostess said, + pleasantly:</p> + + <p>"Awful pause!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, they may be," said the old-time cook, with heightened + color; "and yours would be like them if you had done half my + work."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>His relatives telephoned to the nearest florist's. The + ribbon must be extra wide, with "Rest in Peace" on both sides, + and if there was room, "We Shall Meet in Heaven."</p> + + <p>The florist was away and his new assistant handled the job. + There was a sensation when the flowers turned up at the + funeral. The ribbon was extra wide, indeed, and on it was the + inscription:</p> + + <p>"Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we + shall meet in heaven."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Bluffing.</p><a name="H_0194" + id="H_0194"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>An Employer's Dream</i></p> + + <div class="drama"> + <p>An Employee,</p> + + <p class="i2">Dynamic, but not variable.</p> + + <p class="i2">Tall—of excellent personality.</p> + + <p class="i2">Aggressive—but tactful.</p> + + <p class="i2">Sales type—but with a liking for + detail.</p> + + <p class="i2">Vision—looking ahead and discounting + the future.</p> + + <p class="i2">Loyal—always having the interest of his + employer at heart.</p> + + <p class="i2">Creative—but appreciating + values—initiative balanced with caution, forseeing + his employer's wishes and ideas.</p> + + <p class="i2">Serious thinker—sunny disposition, + looking ahead but mastering first the work on hand.</p> + + <p class="i2">Interested in his salary—only as + incidental—willing to leave that to the discretion of + those above him.</p> + + <p class="i2">Character—excellent, not a clock + watcher—interested only in results, working night and + day if necessary to secure his success.</p> + + <p class="i2">Honest—clear + thinking—hard-working—looking ahead + fearlessly—with his eyes on the future, putting + everything else second to his work—with supreme, + sound confidence in his own ability—</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! Shucks—It's Impossible.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EMPLOYER (to clerk)—"If that bore, Smithers, comes in, + tell him I'm out—and don't be working or he'll know + you're lying."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>The Ten Commandments</i><br /> + (<i>By A Wise Employer</i>)</p> + + <div class="drama"> + <p>First—Don't lie. It wastes my time and yours. I am + sure to catch you in the end, and that will be the wrong + end.</p> + + <p>Second—Watch your work, not the clock. A long + day's work makes a long day short, and a short day's work + makes my face long.</p> + + <p>Third—Give me more than I expect, and I will give + you more than you expect. I can afford to increase your pay + if you increase my profits.</p> + + <p>Fourth—You owe so much to yourself you cannot + afford to owe anybody else. Keep out of debt.</p> + + <p>Fifth—Dishonesty is never an accident. Good men, + like good women, never see temptation when they meet + it.</p> + + <p>Sixth—Mind your own business, and in time you'll + have a business of your own to mind.</p> + + <p>Seventh—Don't do anything here which hurts your + self-respect. An employee who is willing to steal for me is + willing to steal from me.</p> + + <p>Eighth—It is none of my business what you do at + night. But if dissipation affects what you do the next day, + and you do half as much as I demand, you'll last half as + long as you hoped.</p> + + <p>Ninth—Don't tell me what I'll like to hear, but + what I ought to hear. I don't want a valet for my pride, + but one for my purse.</p> + + <p>Tenth—Don't kick if I kick. If you're worth while + correcting, you're worth while keeping. I don't waste time + cutting specks out of rotten apples.</p> + </div> + + <p class="author">—<i>The Rotarian</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One of the bosses at Baldwin's Locomotive Works had to lay + off an argumentative Irishman named Pat, so he saved discussion + by putting the discharge in writing. The next day Pat was + missing, but a week later the boss was passing through the shop + and he saw him again at his lathe. Then, the following colloquy + occurred:</p> + + <p>"Didn't you get my letter?"</p> + + <p>"Yis, sur, Oi did," said Pat.</p> + + <p>"Did you read it?"</p> + + <p>"Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside," said + Pat, "and on the inside yez said I was fired and on the outside + yez said: 'Return to Baldwin Locomotive Works in five + days.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, George," said the president of the company to old + George, "how goes it?"</p> + + <p>"Fair to middlin', sir," George answered. And he continued + to currycomb a bay horse.</p> + + <p>"Me an' this here boss," George said, suddenly, "has worked + for your firm sixteen year."</p> + + <p>"Well, well," said the president, thinking a little guiltily + of George's salary. "And I suppose you are both pretty highly + valued, George, eh?"</p> + + <p>"H'm," said George, "the both of us was took sick last week, + and they got a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my + pay."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A plumber and a painter were working in the same house. The + painter arrived late and the plumber said to him, "You're late + this morning."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said the painter, "I had to stop and have my hair + cut."</p> + + <p>"You didn't do it on your employer's time, did you?" said + the plumber.</p> + + <p>"Sure, I did," said the painter; "It grew on his time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>POSSIBLE EMPLOYER—"H'm! so you want a job, eh? Do you + ever tell lies?"</p> + + <p>APPLICANT—"No, sir, but I kin learn."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at the gas + works, but his name was not known to all the employees. One day + while on his rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, + smoking, and stopped near them.</p> + + <p>"Who are you?" said one of the men.</p> + + <p>"I'm Dodgin, the new foreman," he replied.</p> + + <p>"So are we," replied the other workers, "sit down and have a + smoke."</p><a name="H_0195" + id="H_0195"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ENEMIES</h2> + + <p>Speak well of your enemies. Remember you made them.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The fine and noble way to kill a foe</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not to kill him; you with kindness + may</p> + + <p>So change him, that he shall cease to be so;</p> + + <p class="i2">Then he's slain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Aleyn</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0196" + id="H_0196"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ENGLISH LANGUAGE</h2> + + <p>By way of enlarging the children's vocabulary, our village + school-teacher is in the habit of giving them a certain word + and asking them to form a sentence in which that word occurs. + The other day she gave the class the word "notwithstanding." + There was a pause, and then a bright-faced youngster held up + his hand.</p> + + <p>"Well, what is your sentence, Tommy?" asked the teacher.</p> + + <p>"Father wore his trousers out, but notwithstanding."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TILDA—"Pass the 'lasses."</p> + + <p>LIZZIE (who has attended school)—"Don't say ''lasses.' + Say molasses."</p> + + <p>TILDA—"How come I say mo' 'lasses when I ain't had + none yet?"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Jailless Crimes</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Killing time.</p> + + <p>Hanging pictures.</p> + + <p>Stealing bases.</p> + + <p>Shooting the chutes.</p> + + <p>Choking off a speaker.</p> + + <p>Running over a new song.</p> + + <p>Smothering a laugh.</p> + + <p>Setting fire to a heart.</p> + + <p>Knifing a performance.</p> + + <p>Murdering the English + language.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, boys," said the schoolmaster, "I want you to bear in + mind that the word 'stan' at the end of a word means 'the place + of.' Thus we have Afghanistan—the place of the Afghans; + also Hindustan—the place of the Hindus. Can any one give + me another example?"</p> + + <p>Nobody appeared very anxious to do so, until little Johnny + Snaggs, the joy of his mother and the terror of the cats, said + proudly—</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir, I can. Umbrellastan—the place for + umbrellas."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He went into a shop to buy a comb. He was a man careful of + other people's grammar, and believed himself to be careful of + his own.</p> + + <p>"Do you want a narrow man's comb?" asked the assistant.</p> + + <p>"No," answered the careful grammarian, "I want a comb for a + stout man with tortoiseshell teeth."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEACHER—"Thomas, will you tell me what a conjunction + is, and compose a sentence containing one?"</p> + + <p>THOMAS (after reflection)—"A conjunction is a word + connecting anything, such as 'The horse is hitched to the fence + by his halter.' 'Halter' is a conjunction, because it connects + the horse and the fence."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young man poured out a long story of adventure to a Boston + girl. Surprised, she asked:</p> + + <p>"Did you really do that?"</p> + + <p>"I done it," answered the proud young man. He began another + narrative, more startling than the first.</p> + + <p>When she again expressed her surprise, he said, with + inflated chest, "I done it."</p> + + <p>"Do you know," remarked the girl, "you remind me strongly of + Banquo's Ghost?"</p> + + <p>"Why?"</p> + + <p>"Don't you remember that Macbeth said to him, 'Thou canst + not say, "I did it"'?" and the young man wondered why everybody + laughed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An English professor, traveling through the hills, noted + various quaint expressions. For instance, after a long ride the + professor sought provisions at a mountain hut.</p> + + <p>"What d' yo'-all want?" called out a woman.</p> + + <p>"Madam," said the professor, "can we get corn bread here? + We'd like to buy some of you."</p> + + <p>"Corn bread? Corn bread, did yo' say?" Then she chuckled to + herself, and her manner grew amiable. "Why, if corn bread's all + yo' want, come right in, for that's just what I hain't got + nothing else on hand but."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Charles B. Towns, the antidrug champion, spent some time in + China several years ago with Samuel Merwin, the writer. In a + Hongkong shop-window they noticed some Chinese house-coats of + particularly striking designs and stepped in to purchase one. + Mr. Towns asked Mr. Merwin to do the bargaining.</p> + + <p>"Wantum coatee," said Mr. Merwin to the sleepy-eyed Oriental + who shuffled up with a grunt. He placed several of the coats + before them.</p> + + <p>"How muchee Melican monee?" inquired Mr. Merwin.</p> + + <p>"It would aid me in transacting this sale," said the + Chinaman, "if you would confine your language to your mother + tongue. The coat is seven dollars."</p> + + <p>Mr. Merwin took it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Grace's uncle met her on the street one spring day and asked + her whether she was going out with a picnic party from her + school.</p> + + <p>"No," replied his eight-year-old niece, "I ain't going."</p> + + <p>"My dear," said the uncle, "you must not say, 'I ain't + going.' You must say, 'I am not going.'" And he proceeded to + give her a little lesson in grammar: "'You are not going. He is + not going. We are not going. You are not going. They are not + going.' Now, can you say all that?"</p> + + <p>"Sure I can," responded Grace quite heartily. "There ain't + nobody going."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What is the plural of man, Willie?" asked the teacher of a + small pupil.</p> + + <p>"Men," answered Willie.</p> + + <p>"And, the plural of child?"</p> + + <p>"Twins," was the unexpected reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A colored woman one day visited the court-house in a + Tennessee town and said to the judge:</p> + + <p>"Is you-all the reperbate judge?"</p> + + <p>"I am the judge of probate, mammy."</p> + + <p>"I'se come to you-all 'cause I'se in trubble. Mah + man—he's done died detested and I'se got t'ree little + infidels so I'se cum to be appointed der + execootioner."</p><a name="H_0197" + id="H_0197"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ENGLISHMEN</h2> + + <p>At a dinner in New York an Englishman heard for the first + time and, probably after due explanation, was much amused by + that "toasted" chestnut:</p> + + <p>"Here's to the happiest hours of my life,</p> + + <p>"Spent in the arms of another man's wife:</p> + + <p>"My mother."</p> + + <p>Shortly after his return to England he was present at a + banquet, and thought he would get off the New York toast he had + considered so clever. At the proper time he rose and said:</p> + + <p>"Here's to the happiest hours of my life,</p> + + <p>"Spent in the arms of another man's wife:</p> + + <p>"Spent in the arms of another man's wife—</p> + + <p>"Another man's wife. Excuse me, I really cawn't recall the + lady's name, but it doesn't matter."</p><a name="H_0198" + id="H_0198"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ENTHUSIASM</h2> + + <p>A Soldier of color, recently "over there," had proposed to, + and been accepted by his dusky sweetheart. During the marriage + ceremony he showed such signs of nervousness that the minister, + noticing it, whispered to him, in a voice which could have been + heard half a mile:</p> + + <p>"What's de mattah wif you Rastus, is yo dun los' yo' ring or + sumpin?"</p> + + <p>"N-no sah, Mr. Preacher," answered the ex-hero, "but I sho + nuff dun los' mah 'thusiasm."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If a man lacks enthusiasm it takes him twice as long to + accomplish a task.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man who allows himself to be carried away with enthusiasm + often has to walk back.</p><a name="H_0199" + id="H_0199"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EPIGRAMS</h2> + + <p>An epigram is a twinkle in the eye of Truth.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Many a woman is blamed for making a fool of a man when he is + really self-made.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Some men are like rusty needles; the best way to clean and + brighten them is with work.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When one reaches the end of his rope, he should tie a knot + in it and hang on.</p><a name="H_0200" + id="H_0200"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EPITAPHS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>A Tired Woman's Epitaph</i></p> + + <p class="i14"><i>(Before 1850)</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here lies a poor woman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who always was tired;</p> + + <p>She lived in a house,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where help was not hired;</p> + + <p>Her last words on earth were,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Dear friends I am going;</p> + + <p>Where washing ain't done,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor sweeping nor sewing;</p> + + <p>But everything there is exact to my wishes,</p> + + <p class="i2">For where they don't eat,</p> + + <p>There's no washing of dishes;</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll be where loud anthems will always be + ringing;</p> + + <p>But having no voice, I'll be clear of the + singing;</p> + + <p>Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me + never,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm going to do nothing, forever and + ever."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Whann, the weeping widow of a well-known man, requested + that the words "My sorrow is greater than I can bear" be placed + upon the marble slab of her dear departed.</p> + + <p>A few months later the lady returned and asked how much it + would cost her to have the inscription effaced and another + substituted.</p> + + <p>"No need of that, marm," replied the man, soothingly; "you + see, I left jes' enough room to add 'alone.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE TOMBSTONE MAN (after several abortive + suggestions)—"How would simply, 'Gone Home' do?"</p> + + <p>MRS. NEWWEEDS—"I guess that would be all right. It was + always the last place he ever thought of + going."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here lies my wife: here let her lie!</p> + + <p class="i2">Now she's at rest, and so am I.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>John Dryden</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's + tombstone?" asked Mr. Brown a few days after the funeral of + that eminent captain of industry.</p> + + <p>"No, what was it?" inquired his neighbor curiously.</p> + + <p>"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph."</p> + + <p>"What was the epitaph?"</p> + + <p>"He did his best."</p><a name="H_0201" + id="H_0201"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EQUALITY</h2> + + <p>In a mood for companionship with none at hand, a New Yorker + was making her way through a quiet down town cross street to an + East Side subway. As she approached a team of horses standing + by the curb, the nearer of the pair looked her straight in the + eye man-to-man like. No driver being in sight she took from her + pocket some lumps of sugar (reserved as a tip for the + ice-horse) and fed and fondled and talked foolishly to her + friend of the curb. Looking up before turning to the second + horse, she was confused and startled to find a brisk young + driver, reins in hand, looking ready to tear up the pavements + in a mad rush to Jersey or somewhere. She hurried off to escape + his wrath at being delayed. The angry words flung after her + were: "The other one ain't no stepchild."</p> + + <p>And the horses galloped off equally + sugared.</p><a name="H_0202" + id="H_0202"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ETIQUET</h2> + + <p>"Frances," said the little girl's mamma, who was + entertaining callers in the parlor, "you came downstairs so + noisily that you could be heard all over the house. Now go back + and come down stairs like a lady."</p> + + <p>Frances retired and after a few moments re-entered the + parlor.</p> + + <p>"Did you hear me come downstairs this time, mamma?"</p> + + <p>"No dear; I am glad you came down quietly. Now, don't ever + let me have to tell you again not to come down noisily. Now + tell these ladies how you managed to come down like a lady the + second time, when the first time you made so much noise."</p> + + <p>"The last time I slid down the banisters," explained + Frances.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hearts, like doors, can ope with ease</p> + + <p class="i2">To very, very little keys,</p> + + <p>And don't forget that they are these</p> + + <p>"I thank you, Sir"; and, "If you please."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Unseen, Unheard</i></p> + + <p>TEACHER—"What does a well-bred child do when a visitor + calls to see her mother?"</p> + + <p>CHILD—"Me—I go play in the street."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HOSTESS (at party)—"Does your mother allow you to have + two pieces of pie when you are at home, Willie?"</p> + + <p>WILLIE (who has asked for a second piece)—"No, + ma'am."</p> + + <p>"Well, do you think she'd like you to have two pieces + here?"</p> + + <p>"Oh," confidentially, "she wouldn't care. This isn't her + pie!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I can't understand this code of ethics."</p> + + <p>"What code is that?"</p> + + <p>"The one which makes it all right to take a man's last + dollar, but a breach of etiquette to take his last + cigaret."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Tom Johnson claims that the oldest joke is the one about the + Irish soldier who saw a shell coming and made a low bow. The + shell missed him and took off the head of the man behind him. + "Sure," said Pat, "ye never knew a man to lose anything by + being polite."</p><a name="H_0203" + id="H_0203"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EUROPEAN WAR</h2> + + <p>War is evidently a losing game when it takes a country + forty-two years to pay for what she destroyed in a little more + than four.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A dusky doughboy, burdened under tons of medals and miles + and miles of ribbons, service and wound chevrons, stars et al., + encountered a 27th Division scrapper in Le Mans a few days + prior to the division's departure for the States.</p> + + <p>"Whar yo' all ben scrappin' in dis yar war, boss?" meekly + inquired the colored soldier.</p> + + <p>"Why, we've been fighting up in Belgium and Flanders with + the British," replied the New Yorker, proudly.</p> + + <p>"Well, we ben down in dem woods—watcha call 'em woods + 'way down south."</p> + + <p>"The Argonne?" suggested young Knickerbocker.</p> + + <p>"Yas, yas, dem's de woods—d'Argonne."</p> + + <p>"You know our division was the first to break the Hindenburg + line, colored boy," explained the 27th man.</p> + + <p>"Was it you wot did dat trick? Y' know boss, we felt dat ol' + line sag 'way down in d'Argonne."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIS—"Did the war do anything for you?"</p> + + <p>GILLIS—"Sure did. It taught me to save peach-stones, + tin-foil, newspapers and all kinds of junk. In fact, I can now + save anything except money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Just before the St. Mihiel show the Germans blew up an + ammunition dump near a company of Yanks. It was reported that + there was a large quantity of gas shells in the dump, and as + soon as the explosions began the Americans immediately made + themselves scarce with great rapidity.</p> + + <p>When the danger had passed all started drifting back with + the exception of one man who did not appear till the next + day.</p> + + <p>"Well, where you been?" demanded the top kick, eyeing him + coldly.</p> + + <p>"Sergeant," replied the other earnestly, "I don't know where + I been, but I give you my word I been all day gettin' + back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Who won the war?" asked the bright young goof behind the + soda-counter.</p> + + <p>"Huh," ejaculated the ex-sergeant gruffly as he dug up the + war-tax, "I think we bought it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A librarian confides to us that she was visited by a young + lady who wished to see a large map of France. She was writing a + paper on the battle-fields of France for a culture club, and + she just couldn't find Flanders Fields and No Man's Land on any + of the maps in her books.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The trouble with the peace table is that the Allies want it + <i>à la carte</i>, and Wilson wants it American + plan—<i>table d'hôte</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Exaggeration; Heroes; Soldiers; + War.</p><a name="H_0204" + id="H_0204"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EUROPEAN WAR—POEMS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Gifts of the Dead</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye who in Sorrow's tents abide,</p> + + <p class="i2">Mourning your dead with hidden tears,</p> + + <p>Bethink ye what a wealth of pride</p> + + <p class="i2">They've won you for the coming years.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Grievous the pain; but, in the day</p> + + <p class="i2">When all the cost is counted o'er,</p> + + <p>Would it be best that ye should say:</p> + + <p class="i2">"We lost no loved ones in the war?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who knows? But proud then shall ye stand</p> + + <p class="i2">That best, most honored boast to + make:</p> + + <p>"My lover died for his dear land,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Or, "My son fell for England's sake."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Christlike they died that we might live;</p> + + <p class="i2">And our redeemed lives would we + bring,</p> + + <p>With aught that gratitude may give</p> + + <p class="i2">To serve you in your sorrowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And never a pathway shall ye tread,</p> + + <p class="i2">No foot of seashore, hill, or lea,</p> + + <p>But ye may think: "The dead, my dead,</p> + + <p class="i2">Gave this, a sacred gift, to me."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Habberton Lulhaut</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The war is like the Judgment Day—</p> + + <p>All sham, all pretext torn away;</p> + + <p>And swift the searching hours reveal</p> + + <p>Hearts good as gold, souls true as steel.</p> + + <p>Blest saints and martyrs in disguise,</p> + + <p>Concealed ere-while from holden eyes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And now we feel that all around</p> + + <p>Have angels walked the well-known ground;</p> + + <p>Not winged and strange beyond our ken,</p> + + <p>But in the form of common men.</p> + + <p>God's messengers from Heaven's own sphere—</p> + + <p>Unrecognized because so near.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Ella Fuller Maitland</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>For Thee They Died</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For thee their pilgrim swords were tried,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy flaming word was in their scrips,</p> + + <p>They battled, they endured, they died</p> + + <p class="i2">To make a new Apocalypse.</p> + + <p>Master and Maker, God of Right,</p> + + <p class="i2">The soldier dead are at thy gate,</p> + + <p>Who kept the spears of honor bright</p> + + <p class="i2">And freedom's house inviolate.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>John Drinkwater</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>After-Days</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the last gun has long withheld</p> + + <p class="i2">Its thunder, and its mouth is sealed,</p> + + <p>Strong men shall drive the furrow straight</p> + + <p class="i2">On some remembered battle-field.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Untroubled they shall hear the loud.</p> + + <p class="i2">And gusty driving of the rains,</p> + + <p>And birds with immemorial voice</p> + + <p class="i2">Sing as of old in leafy lanes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The stricken, tainted soil shall be</p> + + <p class="i2">Again a flowery paradise—</p> + + <p>Pure with the memory of the dead</p> + + <p class="i2">And purer for their sacrifice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Eric Chilman</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0205" + id="H_0205"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EVIDENCE</h2> + + <p>An attorney was defending a man charged by his wife with + desertion. For a time it looked as tho it were a cinch for the + prosecution, but at the psychological moment the attorney + called the defendant to the stand. "Take off that bandage," he + cried, and the man did it, exposing a black eye. "Your honor," + said the attorney, "our defense is that this man is not a + deserter. He's a refugee."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The London police-sergeant raised his eyes from the blotter + as two policemen propelled the resisting victim before him.</p> + + <p>"A German spy, sir!" gasped the first bobby.</p> + + <p>"I'm an American, and can prove it," denied the victim.</p> + + <p>"That's what he says, but here's the evidence," interrupted + the second bobby, triumphantly producing a bulky hotel-register + from beneath his arm, and pointing to an entry.</p> + + <p>"V. Gates," written in a flowing hand, was the record that + met the astonished sergeant's gaze.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It happened in the court-room during the trial of a husky + young man who was charged with assault and battery. Throughout + an especially severe cross-examination the defendant stoutly + maintained that he had merely pushed the plaintiff "a little + bit."</p> + + <p>"Well, about how hard?" queried the prosecutor.</p> + + <p>"Oh, just a little bit," responded the defendant.</p> + + <p>"Now," said the attorney, "for the benefit of the judge and + the jury, you will please step down here and, with me for the + subject, illustrate just how hard you mean."</p> + + <p>Owing to the unmerciful badgering which the witness had just + been through, the prosecutor thought that the young man would + perhaps overdo the matter to get back at him, and thus + incriminate himself.</p> + + <p>The defendant descended as per schedule, and approached the + waiting attorney. When he reached him the spectators were + astonished to see him slap the lawyer in the face, kick him in + the shins, seize him bodily, and, finally, with a supreme + effort, lift him from the floor and hurl him prostrate across a + table.</p> + + <p>Turning from the bewildered prosecutor, he faced the court + and explained mildly:</p> + + <p>"Your honor and gentlemen, about one-tenth that hard!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An aged negro was crossing-tender at a spot where an express + train made quick work of a buggy and its occupants. Naturally + he was the chief witness, and the entire case hinged upon the + energy with which he had displayed his warning signal.</p> + + <p>A gruelling cross-examination left Rastus unshaken in this + story: The night was dark, and he had waved his lantern + frantically, but the driver of the carriage paid no attention + to it.</p> + + <p>Later, the division superintendent called the flagman to his + office to compliment him on the steadfastness with which he + stuck to his story.</p> + + <p>"You did wonderfully, Rastus," he said. "I was afraid at + first you might waver in your testimony."</p> + + <p>"Nossir, nossir," Rastus exclaimed, "but I done feared ev'ry + minute that 'ere durn lawyer was gwine ter ask me if mah + lantern was lit."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During a suit to recover damages following an automobile + collision in the Adirondacks, the complainant's attorney, a + city lawyer, constantly hectored the defendant's principal + witness, a rough old guide, but was unable to shake his + testimony.</p> + + <p>During cross-examination the guide mentioned "havin' come + across the trail of a Ford." The city lawyer jumped at this + chance to discredit the guide's evidence.</p> + + <p>"Do you mean to tell this court," he demanded, "that you can + determine the make of a car by studying its track? How did you + know it was a Ford?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sir," drawled the guide, "I followed its trail about + a hundred yards and found a Ford at the end of it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The magistrate looked severely at the small, red-faced man + who had been summoned before him, and who returned his gaze + without flinching.</p> + + <p>"So you kicked your landlord downstairs?" queried the + magistrate. "Did you imagine that was within the right of a + tenant?"</p> + + <p>"I'll bring my lease in and show it to you," said the little + man, growing redder, "and I'll wager you'll agree with me that + anything they've forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had a + right to do the very first chance I got."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"As a matter of fact," said the lawyer for the defendant, + trying to be sarcastic, "you were scared half to death, and + don't know whether it was a motor-car or something resembling a + motor-car that hit you."</p> + + <p>"It resembled one all right," the plaintiff made answer. "I + was forcibly struck by the resemblance."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A religious worker was visiting a Southern penitentiary, + when one prisoner in some way took his fancy. This prisoner was + a negro, who evinced a religious fervour as deep as it was + gratifying to the caller.</p> + + <p>"Of what were you accused?" the prisoner was asked.</p> + + <p>"Dey says I took a watch," answered the negro. "I made a + good fight. I had a dandy lawyer, an' he done prove an alibi + wif ten witnesses. Den my lawyer he shore made a strong speech + to de jury. But it wa'n't no use, sah; I gets ten years."</p> + + <p>"I don't see why you were not acquitted," said the religious + worker.</p> + + <p>"Well, sah," explained the prisoner, "dere was shore one + weak spot 'bout my defence—dey found de watch in my + pocket."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Some time ago an elderly gentleman walking along the street + saw a little girl crying bitterly. Instantly his heart softened + and he stopped to soothe her.</p> + + <p>"What is the matter, little girl," he kindly asked; "are you + hurt?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir," responded the child as her sobbing increased in + volume, "I lost my nickel!"</p> + + <p>"There! There!" gently returned the kind-hearted citizen, + digging into his pocket. "Don't cry any more. Here is your + nickel."</p> + + <p>"Why, you wicked man!" exclaimed the little girl, seizing + the coin and glaring at the donor with flashing eyes. "You had + it all the time!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GRAMERCY—"Why don't you have your old car + repainted?"</p> + + <p>PARK—"Wouldn't think of such a thing. It's been stolen + a dozen times and has the finest collection of fingerprints you + ever saw."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A witness in a railroad case at Fort Worth, asked to tell in + his own way how the accident happened, said:</p> + + <p>"Well, Ole and I was walking down the track, and I heard a + whistle, and I got off the track, and the train went by, and I + got back on the track, and I didn't see Ole; but I walked + along, and pretty soon I seen Ole's hat, and I walked on, and + seen one of Ole's legs, and then I seen one of Ole's arms, and + then another leg, and then over one side Ole's head, and I + says, 'My God! Something muster happen to Ole!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Facts are stubborn things.—<i>Smollett</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Witnesses.</p><a name="H_0206" + id="H_0206"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXAGGERATION</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>A War Lexicon</i></p> + + <p>In a letter to the editor of the New York Sun an anonymous + writer gives the following important interpretations of various + phrases of "Desperanto," or the language indulged in by frantic + telegraph editors on American newspapers:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Terrific Slaughter—Sixteen French and + seventeen Germans wounded.</p> + + <p>Hurled Back—The withdrawal of an advanced + outpost.</p> + + <p>Thousands of Prisoners—Three German farmers + arrested.</p> + + <p>Deadly Air Battle—French aeroplane seen in the + distance.</p> + + <p>Gigantic Army of Invasion—Two troops of + cavalry on a reconnaissance.</p> + + <p>Overwhelming Force—A sergeant and a detail of + twelve men.</p> + + <p>Fierce Naval Battle—Mysterious sounds heard at + sea.</p> + + <p>Americans Outrageously Maltreated—One American + asked to explain why his trunk contained maps of German + roads.</p> + + <p>Bottled Up—A fleet at anchor.</p> + + <p>Trapped—An army in camp.</p> + + <p>Rout—An orderly retreat.</p> + + <p>Heroism—A failure of soldiers to run away in + the face of danger.</p> + + <p>Decisive Conflict—A skirmish of outposts.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A man with a look of business on his face came to a + hotel-keeper, and asked him if he would buy two carloads of + frogs' legs.</p> + + <p>"Two carloads!" said the man in amazement. "Why, I could not + use them in twenty years!"</p> + + <p>"Well, will you buy a carload?"</p> + + <p>"No."</p> + + <p>"Twenty or thirty bushels?"</p> + + <p>"No."</p> + + <p>"Twenty or thirty dozens?"</p> + + <p>"No."</p> + + <p>"Two dozen?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>A few days later the man returned with three pairs of legs. + "Is that all?" asked the landlord.</p> + + <p>"Yes; the fact is that I live near a pond, and the frogs + made so much noise that I thought there were millions of them. + But I dragged the pond with a seine, drained it and raked it, + and there were only three frogs in the whole + place."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A certain young society man was much given to telling + exaggerated stories and was rapidly gaining a reputation for + untruthfulness which worried his friends and particularly his + chum, who remonstrated with him and threatened to disown him if + he did not mend his ways.</p> + + <p>"Charlie," said he, "you must stop this big story business + of yours or you are going to lose me as a friend. Nobody + believes a word you say, and you are getting to be a + laughing-stock."</p> + + <p>Charlie admitted that he was aware of the fact but + complained that he could not overcome his fault, try as he + would. He suggested that had he but somebody beside him when he + started to elaborate upon his tale, to tread on his foot, he + was sure he could break the habit.</p> + + <p>A few days later they were invited to a dinner party and his + chum agreed to sit next to Charlie and step on his toe if he + went too far. All went well until the subject of travel was + brought up. One of the company told of an immense building that + he had seen when on a trip up the Nile. This started Charlie, + who at once began to describe a remarkable building he had seen + while on a hunting trip on the northern border of India.</p> + + <p>"It was one of the most remarkable buildings, I presume, in + the world," said he. "Its dimensions we found to be three miles + in length, two miles in height, and"—as his watchful + friend trod on his toe—"two feet wide."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The old sea captain was smoking comfortably by his fireside + when Jack, his sailor son, burst in upon him.</p> + + <p>"Weather too rough," explained the son, "so we've put in for + the day."</p> + + <p>"Too rough!" exclaimed Mr. Tar, with visions of his own days + at sea. "Why, sir, I was once sailing round the Cape when a + storm came on, and it blew down the main-mast and the + mizzen-mast was swept away, but we didn't even think of putting + in."</p> + + <p>"Well, you see," exclaimed the son, "this storm was so bad + that it blew the anchors off the captain's buttons, took the + paint off the ship's bows and—"</p> + + <p>"Stop!" cried the old man. "You do me credit, Jack—you + do me credit!"</p><a name="H_0207" + id="H_0207"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXAMINATIONS</h2> + + <p>PROF—"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man + can answer."</p> + + <p>STUDE—"No wonder so many of us flunk in our + exams!"</p><a name="H_0208" + id="H_0208"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXCUSES</h2> + + <p>In a Canadian camp somewhere in England a second George + Washington has been found. He, in company with several others, + had been granted four days' leave, and, as usual, wired for + extension. But no hackneyed excuse was his. In fact, it was so + original that it has been framed and now hangs in a prominent + spot in the battalion orderly-room. It ran as follows:</p> + + <p>"Nobody dead, nobody ill; still going strong, having a good + time, and got plenty of money. Please grant extension."</p> + + <p>And he got it!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST OFFICER—"Did you get that fellow's number?"</p> + + <p>SECOND OFFICER—"No; he was going too fast."</p> + + <p>FIRST OFFICER—"Say, that was a fine-looking dame in + the car."</p> + + <p>SECOND OFFICER—"Wasn't she?"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TED—"Pity the rain spoiled the game today."</p> + + <p>NED—"But you got a check didn't you?"</p> + + <p>TED—"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best + excuse I ever had in my life."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Johnny B——, who has seen eight summers go by, + not very long ago developed a fondness for playing hooky from + school. After two or three offenses of this kind he was taken + to task by his teacher.</p> + + <p>"Johnny," she said, "the next time you are absent I want you + to bring me an excuse from your father telling me why you were + not here."</p> + + <p>"I don't want to bring an excuse from my father," protested + the boy.</p> + + <p>"Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain.</p> + + <p>"'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a + dusky-hued waiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton. Bill had + to reproach Sutton more than once for a lack of agility in + arriving with the food. Sutton promised to improve. One morning + he brought in a consignment of griddle-cakes that had gone + cold.</p> + + <p>"What do you mean," said Bill, "by bringing me in cold + cakes?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll tell you, boss," said Sutton. "I brung them + cakes in so fast that I guess they hit a draft."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he + was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened + that these two boys were late, and were called up to account + for it.</p> + + <p>"You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not + come?"</p> + + <p>"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was + going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the + steam-boat-bell."</p> + + <p>"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse + his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "What have + you to say?"</p> + + <p>"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I—I—was + waiting to see Tom off!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, + and a roll," said the first "commercial."</p> + + <p>"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the + eggs."</p> + + <p>"Yessir."</p> + + <p>In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and + penitently over the table, and whispered:</p> + + <p>"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', + sir, and the 'andle of the 'liminator got busted off. Will you + take yer heggs fried, same as this 'ere + gentleman?"</p><a name="H_0209" + id="H_0209"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXECUTIVE ABILITY</h2> + + <p>Executive ability has been variously defined, but the + following from an executive with a sense of humor seems to + cover the whole subject. He said: "Executive ability is the + ability to hire someone to do work for which you will get the + credit, and, if there is a slip-up, having someone at whose + door to lay the blame."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Qualifications for an Executive</i></p> + + <p>To do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. + To do some things better than they were done before. To + eliminate errors. To know both sides of a question. To be + courteous. To set an example. To work for the love of work. To + anticipate requirements. To develop resources. To master + circumstances. To act from reason rather than from rule. To be + satisfied with nothing short of perfection.—<i>H. Gordon + Selfridge</i>.</p><a name="H_0210" + id="H_0210"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXPENSES</h2> + + <p>A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to + be married, and who has been trying to get a line on what the + expense of the rather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached + a friend of his, seeking information.</p> + + <p>"Morris," he said, "your oldest daughter was married about + five years ago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how + much the wedding cost you?"</p> + + <p>"Not at all, Sam," was the answer. "Altogether, about five + thousand dollars a year."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. + Glancing through his pocket book his mother saw a number of + entries of small sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against + which were the letters "P.G." Thinking this must mean the + Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her son why he did not + give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving a + cause.</p> + + <p>"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. + "When I cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put + 'P.G.,' which means 'Probably grub.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?"</p> + + <p>"Hard? Man alive! I meet expenses at every + turn."</p><a name="H_0211" + id="H_0211"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXPERIENCE</h2> + + <p>"Did you ever realize anything on that investment?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes."</p> + + <p>"What did you realize on it?"</p> + + <p>"What a fool I had been."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is as easy to buy experience as it is difficult to sell + it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you ever had any experience in handling high-class + ware?" asked a dealer in bric-à-brac of an applicant for + work.</p> + + <p>"No, sir," was the reply, "but I think I can do it."</p> + + <p>"Suppose," said the dealer, "you accidentally broke a very + valuable porcelain vase, what would you do?"</p> + + <p>"I should put it carefully together," replied the man, "and + set it where a wealthy customer would be sure to knock it over + again."</p> + + <p>"Consider yourself engaged," said the dealer. "Now, tell me + where you learned that trick of the trade."</p> + + <p>"A few years ago," answered the other, "I was one of the + 'wealthy-customer' class."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Experience is a dead loss if you can't sell it for more than + it cost.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Experience converts us to ourselves when books fail + us.—<i>A. Bronson Alcott</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know</p> + + <p>The past and thence I will essay to glean</p> + + <p>A warning for the future, so that man</p> + + <p>May profit by his errors, and derive</p> + + <p>Experience from his folly;</p> + + <p>For, when the power of imparting joy</p> + + <p>Is equal to the will, the human soul</p> + + <p>Requires no other heaven.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Shelley</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0212" + id="H_0212"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>EXTRAVAGANCE</h2> + + <p>"What made you a multi-millionaire?"</p> + + <p>"My wife."</p> + + <p>"Ah, her tactful help—"</p> + + <p>"Nothing like that. I was simply curious to know if there + was any income she couldn't live beyond."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The man who builds, and wants wherewith to pay,</p> + + <p>Provides a home from which to run away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Young</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0213" + id="H_0213"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FAILURES</h2> + + <p>BROWN—"Back to town again? I thought you were a + farmer."</p> + + <p>GREEN—"You made the same mistake I + did."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There are people who fail because they are afraid to make a + beginning. Who are too honest to steal, but will borrow and + never pay back. Who go to bed tired because they spend the day + in looking for an easy place. Who can play a tune on one + string, but it never makes anybody want to dance. Who would + like to reform the world, but have a front gate that won't stay + shut. Who cannot tell what they think about anything until they + see what the papers have to say about it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A first failure is often a blessing.—<i>A. L. + Brown</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To fail at all is to fail utterly.—<i>Lowell</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He only is exempt from failures who makes no + efforts.—<i>Whately</i>.</p><a name="H_0214" + id="H_0214"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FAME</h2> + + <p>After an absence of four years a certain man went back to + visit his old home town. The first four people he met didn't + remember him and the next three didn't know he had been + away.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"That antagonist of yours says he is going to leave + footprints in the sands of time."</p> + + <p>"He won't," replied Senator Sorghum. "His mind is in the + clouds. He is an intellectual aviator. When he comes down he + will leave a dent, not a footprint."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor fame I slight, nor for her favors call:</p> + + <p>She comes unlooked for, if she comes at all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>For what is fame, but the benignant strength of one, + transformed to joy of many?—<i>George Eliot</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Fame is the fragrance of heroic + deeds.—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p><a name="H_0215" + id="H_0215"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FAMILIES</h2> + + <p>A Kansas man is reported to be the father of thirty-two + children. It is not known whether he will apply for admission + to the League of Nations or just let America represent him for + the present.—<i>Punch (London)</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A census-taker was working in lower New York on the East + Side, and came to a tenement that was literally crowded with + children. To the woman who was bending over the washtub he + said:</p> + + <p>"Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have + you?"</p> + + <p>"Well, lemme see," replied the woman, as she straightened up + and wiped her hands on her apron. "There's Mary and Ellen and + Delia and Susie and Emma and Tommy and Albert and Eddie and + Charlie and Frank and—"</p> + + <p>"Madam," interrupted the census man, "if you could just give + me the number—"</p> + + <p>"Number!" she exclaimed, indignantly. "I want you to + understand that we ain't got to numberin' 'em yet. We ain't run + out o' names!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The census man when taking the census in a certain Canadian + town asked of the head of the family the usual questions, one + being, "How many children have you?"</p> + + <p>The man answered, "Oh, I don't know, ten, twelve, fourteen + or so. I know a barrel of flour lasts pretty damn quick."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Bluffing.</p><a name="H_0216" + id="H_0216"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FARMING</h2> + + <p>"It used to be said that anybody could farm—that about + all that was required was a strong back and a weak mind," mused + the gaunt Missourian. "But now'-days, to be a successful farmer + a feller must have a good head and a wide education in order to + understand the advice ladled out to him from all sides by city + men and to select for use that which will do him the least + damage."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROFESSOR AT AGRICULTURAL SCHOOL—"What kinds of + farming are there?"</p> + + <p>NEW STUDENT—"Extensive, intensive, and + pretensive."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They were having an argument as to whether it was correct to + say of a hen she is "setting" or "sitting," and, not being able + to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, they decided to submit + the problem to Farmer Giles.</p> + + <p>"My friends," said he, "that don't interest me at all. What + I wants to know when I hear a hen cackle is whether she be + laying or lying."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How many head o' live stock you got on the place?"</p> + + <p>"Live stock?" echoed the somewhat puzzled farmer. "What d' + ye mean by live stock? I got four steam-tractors and seven + automobiles."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The city youth secured a job with Farmer Jones. The morning + after his arrival, promptly at 4 o'clock, the farmer rapped on + his door and told him to get up. The youth protested.</p> + + <p>"What for?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.</p> + + <p>"Why, we're going to cut oats," replied the farmer.</p> + + <p>"Are they wild oats," queried the youth, "that you've got to + sneak up on 'em in the dark?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Aren't you afraid America will become isolated?"</p> + + <p>"Not if us farmers keep raisin' things the world needs," + answered Farmer Corntossel, "The feller that rings the + dinner-bell never runs much risk of bein' lonesome."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How'd that city hired man of yours pan out?"</p> + + <p>"Well, he started in Monday morning plowing corn. At 10 + o'clock he struck for a helper to lift the gangs out at the + ends, and I sent the kid out to do that. At noon he struck for + two pieces of strawberry shortcake instead of one, so I gave + him my piece. At 1:15 he struck for a sunshade on the corn + plow. I says, 'Young man, this job is just like a baseball + game. Three strikes and you're out, Good-bye.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A rather patronizing individual from town was observing with + considerable interest the operations of a farmer with whom he + had put up for a while.</p> + + <p>As he watched the old man sow the seed in his field the man + from the city called out facetiously:</p> + + <p>"Well done, old chap. You sow; I reap the fruits."</p> + + <p>Whereupon the farmer grinned and replied:</p> + + <p>"Maybe you will. I am sowing hemp."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Failures.</p><a name="H_0217" + id="H_0217"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FASHION</h2> + + <p>"Isn't your wife dogmatic?"</p> + + <p>"She was when Pomeranian pups were the style, but now she's + auto-matic."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The fashion wears out more apparel than the + man.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Women have queer ways."</p> + + <p>"How now?"</p> + + <p>"The styles call for mannish hats. So my wife bought a + mannish hat for eighteen dollars."</p> + + <p>"Well?"</p> + + <p>"She could have bought a man's hat for four dollars."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Women's fashions seem to be working around to the point + where the voice with the smile will have to be listed among the + latest spring styles.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The intrepid general was rallying her wavering female + troops.</p> + + <p>"Women," she cried, "will you give way to mannish + fears?"</p> + + <p>A muffled murmur of indecision ran through the ranks.</p> + + <p>"Shall it be said we are clothed in male armor?" shrieked + the general.</p> + + <p>The murmur became a mumble.</p> + + <p>"Will you," fiercely demanded the general, "show the white + feather in a season when feathers are not worn?"</p> + + <p>The effect was electrical.</p> + + <p>"Never!" roared the soldiers. And, forming into battle + array, they once more hurled themselves upon the enemy.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You criticize us," said the Chinese visitor, "yet I see all + your women have their feet bandaged."</p> + + <p>"That is an epidemic," it was explained to him, gently, + "which broke out in 1914. Those are called spats."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Tommy at the "movies" saw a tribe of Indians painting + their faces, and asked his mother the significance of this.</p> + + <p>"Indians," his mother answered, "always paint their faces + before going on the war-path—before scalping and + tomahawking and murdering."</p> + + <p>The next evening after dinner, as the mother entertained in + the parlor her daughter's young man, Tommy rushed downstairs, + wide-eyed with fright.</p> + + <p>"Come on, mother!" he cried. "Let's get out of this quick! + Sister is going on the war-path!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Will Irwin said at a Washington Square tea:</p> + + <p>"The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would + resolutely oppose them.</p> + + <p>"I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a + skirt that was, really, too short altogether. The woman put it + on. It was becoming enough, dear knows, but it made her feel + ashamed. She entered the library, and her husband looked up + from his work with a dark frown.</p> + + <p>"'I wonder,' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 'if these + ultra-short skirts will ever go out?'</p> + + <p>"'They'll never go out with me,' he answered in decided + tones."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women + did a good job. Now to design a woman who will wear it.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing + suit)—"And you're sure this bathing suit won't + shrink?"</p> + + <p>SALESMAN—"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>POLICEMAN—"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer + keep hold of her skirt?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE ALFRED—"I cou—cou—couldn't reach + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a + wit observed that "they began too late and ended too soon."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FAIR CUSTOMER—"I'd like to try on that one over + there."</p> + + <p>SALESMAN—"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the + lampshade."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of + the stairs was slow in descending. "Come on down, lady," said + the conductor in a bored tone, "legs ain't no treat to + me."</p><a name="H_0218" + id="H_0218"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FATE</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All human things are subject to decay,</p> + + <p>And when fate summons, monarchs must obey.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dryden</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All are architects of Fate,</p> + + <p class="i2">Working in these walls of Time:</p> + + <p>Some with massive deeds and great,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some with ornaments of rhyme.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Longfellow</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, + move</p> + + <p>But as they're led: Success is from above.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Lord Lansdowne</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One ship drives east, and another west</p> + + <p>With the self-same winds that blow;</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis the set of the sails</p> + + <p class="i2">And not the gales</p> + + <p>Which decide the way to go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate</p> + + <p>As we voyage along through life;</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis the will of the soul</p> + + <p class="i2">That decides its goal,</p> + + <p>And not the calm or the strife.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0219" + id="H_0219"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FATHERS</h2> + + <p>"Dad," said a Bartlesville, Okla., kid to his father the + other night, "I want to go to the show tonight."</p> + + <p>"A show at night is no place for a kid like you. You should + be at home in bed."</p> + + <p>"But I peddled bills and have two tickets," said the kid, as + he began to sniffle.</p> + + <p>"All right then," answered dad. "I will go with you to see + that you don't get into trouble."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Johnnie Jones was doing penance in the corner. Presently he + thought aloud pensively:</p> + + <p>"I can't help it if I am not perfect," he sighed. "I have + only heard of one perfect boy in my whole life."</p> + + <p>"Who was that?" his father asked, thinking to point out a + moral.</p> + + <p>"You," came the reply, plaintively, "when you were + little."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="ctr"><i>His Example</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are little eyes upon you, and they're watching + night and day;</p> + + <p>There are little ears that quickly take in every + word you say;</p> + + <p>There are little hands all eager to do everything + you do,</p> + + <p>And a little boy that's dreaming of the day he'll be + like you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest + of the wise;</p> + + <p>In his little mind about you no suspicions ever + rise;</p> + + <p>He believes in you devoutly, holds that all you say + and do</p> + + <p>He will say and do in your way when he's grown up + just like you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, it sometimes makes me shudder when I hear my boy + repeat</p> + + <p>Some careless phrase I've uttered in the language of + the street;</p> + + <p>And it sets my heart to grieving when some little + fault I see</p> + + <p>And I know beyond all doubting that he picked it up + from me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes + you're always right,</p> + + <p>And his ears are always open and he watches day and + night.</p> + + <p>You are setting an example every day in all you + do</p> + + <p>For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be + like you.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, there's some talk of a Father's Day."</p> + + <p>"Oh, father doesn't want a day. Give him a night off."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I was never so tired in my life. I've had a perfectly awful + day. But I got Father home safely, and that's something. It was + his annual day to be a boy again, to be a regular pal to me, as + he likes to express it. So I have been out in the woods with + him.</p> + + <p>"I inferred from his remarks when he invited me to go that + he intended to win my confidence and help me in my troubles. + But by noon he had broken his glasses, worn blisters on both + heels, scraped his shins, lost his new fishing reel, sunk a + rowboat, scalded his mouth, burned his bald spot in the sun and + torn the seat out of his trousers, so I think he must have + postponed whatever he had to say of an intimate nature.</p> + + <p>"If writers and lecturers only knew the suffering they bring + to impressionable parents by goading them into trying to be + their boys' chums they certainly would cease their efforts out + of sheer pity."</p><a name="H_0220" + id="H_0220"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FAULTS</h2> + + <p>"Everybody has his faults," said Uncle Eben. "De principal + difference in folks is whether dey's sorry for 'em or proud of + 'em."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is so easy to find fault that self-respecting persons + ought to be ashamed to waste their energies in that way.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It only takes a few minutes to find in others the faults we + can't discover in ourselves in a lifetime.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A widely known Highland drover sold a horse to an + Englishman.</p> + + <p>A few days afterward the buyer returned to him.</p> + + <p>"You said that horse had no faults."</p> + + <p>"Well, no mair had he."</p> + + <p>"He's nearly blind!" said the indignant Englishman.</p> + + <p>"Why, mon, that's no' his fau't—that's his + misfortune."</p><a name="H_0221" + id="H_0221"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FEES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Tips.</p><a name="H_0222" + id="H_0222"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FICTION</h2> + + <p>The husband was seeing his beloved wife off for a holiday. + "Maggie, dear," he said, "hadn't you better take some fiction + with you to while away the time?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, George," she said, "you'll be sending me some + letters."</p><a name="H_0223" + id="H_0223"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FIGHTING</h2> + + <p>"Brudder Perkins, yo' been fightin', I heah," said the + colored minister.</p> + + <p>"Yaas, Ah wuz."</p> + + <p>"Doan yo' 'membeh whut de good book sez 'bout turnin' de + odder cheek?"</p> + + <p>"Yaas, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an' I'se only got + one."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why do you look so sorrowful, Dennis?" asked one man of + another.</p> + + <p>"I just hear-r-d wan man call another man a liar, and the + man that was called a liar said the other man would have to + apologize, or there would be a fight."</p> + + <p>"And why should that make you so sad?"</p> + + <p>"The other man apologized."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to + fight."</p> + + <p>"We couldn't help it, father."</p> + + <p>"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful + discussion of the matter, calling in the assistance of + unprejudiced opinion, if need be?"</p> + + <p>"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I + could whip him, and there was only one way to find out."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you've been fighting again! Didn't you stop and spell + your names, as I told you?"</p> + + <p>"Y-yes; we did—but my name's Algernon Percival, an' + his is Jim!"—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0224" + id="H_0224"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FINANCE</h2> + + <p>"Dad," said little Reginald, "what is a bucket-shop?"</p> + + <p>"A bucket-shop, my son," said the father, feelingly, "a + bucket-shop is a modern cooperage establishment to which a man + takes a barrel and brings back the + bung-hole."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Dad," said the financier's son, running into his father's + office, "lend me six hundred."</p> + + <p>"What for, my boy?"</p> + + <p>"I've got a sure tip on the market."</p> + + <p>"How much shall we make out of it?" asked the old man + cautiously.</p> + + <p>"A couple of hundred sure," replied the boy eagerly. "That's + a hundred each."</p> + + <p>"Here's your hundred," said his father. "Let's consider that + we have made this deal and that it has succeeded. You make a + hundred dollars and I save five hundred."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Higher Authority</i></p> + + <p>"Mr. Brown is outside," said the new office-boy. "Shall I + show him in?".</p> + + <p>"Not on your life!" exclaimed the junior partner. "I owe him + ten dollars."</p> + + <p>"Show him in," calmly said the senior member of the firm. + "He owes me twenty-five."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BUSINESS MAN (explaining)—"When they say 'money is + easy,' they mean simply that the supply is greater than the + demand."</p> + + <p>HIS WIFE—"Goodness! I shouldn't think such a thing + possible."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SMITHSON—"Do you know that Noah was the greatest + financier that ever lived?"</p> + + <p>DIBBS—"How do you make that out?"</p> + + <p>SMITHSON—"Well, he was able to float a company when + the whole world was in liquidation."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"This car cost me thirty-five hundred dollars, Blathers, but + I'll let you have it for two thousand, eh? It's a clean gift of + fifteen hundred," said Bolivar. "Eh, what do you say?"</p> + + <p>"No," said Blathers, "I can't do that; but suppose you give + me five hundred dollars and keep the car, eh? Clean saving of a + thousand, eh? What?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The present financial situation gives the lie to the old + adage that Exchange is no robbery.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The man who had made a huge fortune was speaking a few words + to a number of students at a business class. Of course, the + main theme of his address was himself.</p> + + <p>"All my success in life, all my tremendous financial + prestige," he said proudly, "I owe to one thing + alone—pluck, pluck, pluck!"</p> + + <p>He made an impressive pause here but the effect was ruined + by one student, who asked impressively:</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir; but how are we to find the right people to + pluck?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young New Haven man, returning home from a health trip to + Colorado, told his father about buying a silver mine for + $3,000. "I knew they'd rope you in!" exclaimed the old man. "So + you were ass enough to buy a humbug mine."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but I didn't lose anything. I formed a company, and + sold half the stock to a Connecticut man for $7,000."</p> + + <p>"Y-you did," gasped the old man as he turned white, "I'll + bet I'm the one who bought it."</p> + + <p>"I know you are," coolly observed the young man as he + crossed his legs and tried to appear very much at + home.</p><a name="H_0225" + id="H_0225"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FISH</h2> + + <p>The teacher asked, "Who can tell me what an oyster is?"</p> + + <p>A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, + and a shrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, + teacher!"</p> + + <p>"Well, Bobby," said the teacher, "you may tell us what an + oyster is."</p> + + <p>"An oyster," triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish built + like a nut!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Dinah, did you wash the fish before you baked it?"</p> + + <p>"Law, ma'am, what's de use ob washin' er fish what's lived + all his life in de water?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Ma'am, here's a man at the door with a parcel for you."</p> + + <p>"What is it, Bridget?"</p> + + <p>"It's a fish, ma'am, and it's marked C.O.D."</p> + + <p>"Then make the man take it back to the dealer. I ordered + trout."</p><a name="H_0226" + id="H_0226"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FISHERMEN</h2> + + <p>"I say, Gadsby," said Mr. Smith, as he entered a + fishmonger's with a lot of tackle in his hand, "I want you to + give me some fish to take home with me. Put them up to look as + if they'd been caught today, will you?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly, sir. How many?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, you'd better give me three or four—mackerel. Make + it look decent in quantity without appearing to exaggerate, you + know."</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir. You'd better take salmon, tho."</p> + + <p>"Why? What makes you think so?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, nothing, except that your wife was here early this + morning and said if you dropped in with your fishing-tackle I + was to persuade you to take salmon, if possible, as she liked + that kind better than any other."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BELLEVILLE—"Is Glenshaw getting ready for the fishing + season?"</p> + + <p>BUTLER—"Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for + his camera."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A returned vacationist tells us that he was fishing in a + pond one day when a country boy who had been watching him from + a distance approached him and asked. "How many fish yer got, + mister?"</p> + + <p>"None yet," he was told.</p> + + <p>"Well, yer ain't doin' so bad," said the youngster. "I know + a feller what fished here for two weeks an' he didn't get any + more than you got in half an hour."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Jock MacTavish and two English friends went out on the loch + on a fishing-trip, and it was agreed that the first man to + catch a fish should later stand treat at the inn. As MacTavish + was known to be the best fisherman thereabouts, his friends + took considerable delight in assuring him that he had as good + as lost already.</p> + + <p>"An', d'ye ken," said Jock, in speaking of it afterward, + "baith o' them had a guid bite, an' wis sae mean they wadna' pu + in."</p> + + <p>"Then you lost?" asked the listener.</p> + + <p>"Oh, no. I didna' pit ony bait on my + hook."</p><a name="H_0227" + id="H_0227"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FISHING</h2> + + <p>UNLUCKY FISHERMAN—"Boy, will you sell that big string + of fish you are carrying?"</p> + + <p>BOY—"No, but I'll take yer pitcher holdin' it fer + fifty cents."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two small boys went fishing and while one of them was having + good luck, the other didn't even get a bite. The unlucky lad + silently began to make preparation for departure. "Aw, wait a + while," urged the other. "You might be lucky if you keep at + it."</p> + + <p>"There ain't no use," was the disgusted reply, "my darned + worm ain't tryin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "goes fishin' not so much foh + de sake of de fish as foh de chance to loaf without bein' + noticed."</p><a name="H_0228" + id="H_0228"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FLATTERY</h2> + + <p>The man who is not injured by flattery is as hard to find as + the one who is improved by criticism.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Flattery is a sort of moral peroxide—it turns many a + woman's head.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Oi hate flattery," said O'Brien the other day. "Flattery + makes ye think ye are betther than ye are, an' no man livin' + can iver be that."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE CONVERSATIONALIST (to well-known author)—"I'm so + delighted to meet you! It was only the other day I saw + something of yours, about something or other, in some + magazine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILBUR (indicating a couple in the background)—"Funny + that such a stunning-looking woman should marry such a dub as + that."</p> + + <p>FLATTE—"Well, I don't know. No accounting for those + things. Now, you take your wife—she's a + ripper."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included + all her attributes.</p> + + <p>"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt + Margaret," said Bob, one day, after a long silence, during + which he had watched her in laughing conversation with his + mother. "I wish I had some copper-toed ones like yours."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's + train had the presence of mind to remark:</p> + + <p>"Tho I may not have the power to draw an angel from the + skies, I have pinned one to the earth." The lady excused + him.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Sir," said the angry woman, "I understand you said I had a + face that would stop a street-car in the middle of the + block."</p> + + <p>"Yes, that's what I said," calmly answered the mere man.</p> + + <p>"It takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to + make a stop like that."</p><a name="H_0229" + id="H_0229"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FOOD</h2> + + <p>DINER—"See here, where are those oysters I ordered on + the half shell?"</p> + + <p>WAITER—"Don't get impatient, sah. We're dreffle short + on shells; but you're next, sah."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of the camps a + recruit ventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the + cook's domain.</p> + + <p>After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the + cook:</p> + + <p>"If you'd put the lid on that camp-kettle you would not get + so much of the dust in your soup."</p> + + <p>The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: + "See here, me lad. Your business is to serve your country."</p> + + <p>"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was a small café and the customer overheard this + from the waiter:</p> + + <p>"Don't throw that toast into the alley, chef. I gotta + customer for a club sandwich."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WAITER—"And will you take the macaroni au gratin, + sir?"</p> + + <p>OFFICER—"No macaroni-by gad! It's too doocid difficult + to mobilize."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The second course of the table d'hote was being served.</p> + + <p>"What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the diner.</p> + + <p>"That, sir, is filet of sole," replied the waiter.</p> + + <p>"Take it away," said the diner, "and see if you can't get me + a nice, tender piece from the upper part of the boot."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The new boarder sniffed at the contents of his coffee-cup + and set it down.</p> + + <p>"Well," queried the landlady in a peevish tone, "have you + anything to say against the coffee?"</p> + + <p>"Not a word," he answered. "I never speak ill of the + absent."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An attendant entered carrying a thin red object.</p> + + <p>"Did any patient order a postage stamp?"</p> + + <p>"Maybe," said one feebly, "that's my mutton chop rare."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Are caterpillars good to eat?" asked little Tommy at the + dinner table.</p> + + <p>"No," said his father; "what makes you ask a question like + that while we are eating?"</p> + + <p>"You had one on your lettuce, but it's gone now," replied + Tommy.</p><a name="H_0230" + id="H_0230"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FOOD CONSERVATION</h2> + + <p>"Well, Ezri, how'd jer make out with yer boarders this + year?"</p> + + <p>"Fine! Best season I ever had. There was seven, all + told—three couples in love an' a + dyspeptic."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The boarders were dropping hints as to the kind of dinner + they'd like to have on Christmas Day. But the landlady was + astute. "What's the difference," she asked the solemn man at + the end of the table, "between a turkey dinner and a mess of + stewed prunes?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," he answered, suspicious of some entangling + conundrum.</p> + + <p>"Does nobody know?" she asked, looking round the table.</p> + + <p>They all professed ignorance. "In that case," she said, "I + may as well serve prunes at Christmas and save + money."</p><a name="H_0231" + id="H_0231"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FOOLS</h2> + + <p>"Did you really call this gentleman an old fool last night?" + asked the judge.</p> + + <p>The prisoner tried hard to collect his thoughts.</p> + + <p>"Well, the more I look at him, the more likely it seems that + I did," he replied.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A fool must now and then be right by + chance.—<i>Cowper</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fools, to talking ever prone,</p> + + <p>Are sure to make their follies known.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Gay</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>He explained it clearly to her: "Wise men hesitate, you see. + None but fools will say they're certain."</p> + + <p>"Are you sure of that?" said she.</p> + + <p>"Yes," he answered, "I am certain—certain as can be of + that"</p> + + <p>Then he wondered just what she was laughing at.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two Hebrews went in business together in a small town, and + one went to New York to buy the goods, while the other stayed + at home. The one that stayed at home got the bills a few days + after his partner was in New York. The bills came as follows: + "24 doz. neckwear and 8 doz. ditto; 24 suits and 4 ditto; 18 + pants and 12 ditto." This ditto part bothered the one at home + and he telegraphed his brother to come home. When his brother + arrived he showed him the bills and said:</p> + + <p>"Vat do it mean you shall buy ditto for a closing (clothing) + business?"</p> + + <p>His brother said: "I buy ditto?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, here's de bills."</p> + + <p>"Vell, dey stuck me in New York."</p> + + <p>So he returned to New York and found that ditto meant the + same. He came back home, and his brother meeting him at the + depot said:</p> + + <p>"Vell, Abie, did you find out vat ditto is?"</p> + + <p>And Abie said: "Yes, I find out vat a ditto is—I'm a + d—m fool and you're a ditto."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>RAYMOND—"What the deuce do you mean by telling Joan + that I am a fool?"</p> + + <p>GEORGE—"Heavens! I'm sorry—was it a secret?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Fools never understand people of + wit.—<i>Vauvenargues</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LEA—"I wonder if Professor Kidder meant anything by + it?"</p> + + <p>PERKINS—"By what?"</p> + + <p>LEA—"He advertised a lecture on 'Fools,' and when I + bought a ticket it was marked 'Admit one.'"</p><a name="H_0232" + id="H_0232"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FORDS</h2> + + <p>"So you bought one of those automobiles they tell so many + funny stories about?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Mr. Chuggins. "And it is saving me a lot of + trouble and wear and tear. When your friends tell you jokes + about your car they don't expect you to ask them to ride in + it."</p> + + <p class="ctr"><i>If—With Apologies to Kipling</i></p> + + <p>If you can keep your Ford when those about you are selling + theirs and buying Cadillacs; if you can just be tickled all to + pieces when notified to pay your license-tax; if you can feel a + quiet sense of pleasure when driving on a rough and hilly road, + and never move a muscle of your visage when underneath you hear + a tire explode; if you can plan a pleasant week-end journey and + tinker at your car a day or so, then thrill with joy on that + eventful morning to find no skill of yours can make it go; if + you can gather up your wife and children, put on your glad + rags, and start off for church, then have to wade around in + greasy gearings and spoil the best of all your stock of shirts, + yet through it all maintain that sweet composure, that gentle + calm befitting such events; if you can sound a bugle-note of + triumph when steering straight against a picket-fence; if you + can keep your temper, tongue, and balance when on your back + beneath your car you pose, and, struggling there to fix a balky + cog-wheel, you drop a monkey-wrench across your nose; if you + can smile as gasoline goes higher, and sing a song because your + motor faints—your place is not with common erring + mortals; your home is over there among the saints!—<i>J. + Edward Tufft</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is admittedly difficult to recover a lost flivver. But + the best suggestion comes from our own Mrs. Eckstrom, who + advises an ad.: "Lizzie, come home; all is forgiven."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why are school-teachers like Ford cars?"</p> + + <p>"Because they give the most service for the least + money."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Yes, indeed," argues the Ford salesman, "this little car is + a great investment. You put a few dollars into a Ford and right + away it runs into thousands."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A flivver in Newton, Kan., broke the arms of four persons + who attempted to crank it in less than a week. That's what + comes of crossing a bicycle with a mule.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Lew McCall says that motorists who come through Columbus en + route for Kansas City have about the following conversations + when they stop at the filling station here:</p> + + <p>If it's a Cadillac, the driver says: "How far is it to + Kansas City?" "One hundred forty miles," is the reply. "Gimme + twenty gallons of gas and a gallon of oil," says the driver. + Then comes a Buick and the chauffeur says: "How far is it to + Kansas City?" "One hundred forty miles." "Gimme ten gallons of + gas and a half-gallon of oil." and he drives on. Along comes a + flivver and the driver uncranks himself, gets out and + stretches, and asks: "How far is it to Kansas City?" "Oh, about + one hundred forty miles." "Is that all? Gimme two quarts of + water and a bottle of 3 in 1, and hold this son-of-a-gun until + I get in."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Possibly the apex of sarcasm or something was reached the + other day when Jones took his flivver to a repair shop and + asked the man there what was the best thing to do with it.</p> + + <p>The repair-man looked the car over in silence for several + minutes, after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. "You've + a good horn there," he remarked, quietly. "Suppose you jack it + up and run a new car under it?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Gentleman who was visiting his lawyer for the purpose of + making his will, insisted that a final request be attached to + the document. The request was, that his Ford car be buried with + him after he died. His lawyer tried to make him see how absurd + this was, but failed, so he asked the gentleman's wife to use + her influence with him. She did the best she could, but she + also failed.</p> + + <p>"Well, John," she said finally, "tell me <i>why</i> you want + your Ford car buried with you?"</p> + + <p>"Because I have never gotten into a hole yet but what my + Ford could pull me out," was the reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Young lady on a country road in a Ford car which has bucked + and refuses to move, asks a farmer who is plowing in an + adjoining field—"Do you know anything about a Ford?"</p> + + <p>"Nope—nuthin' except a lot of stories, + ma'am—giddap."</p><a name="H_0233" + id="H_0233"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FOREIGNERS</h2> + + <p>TEACHER—"Who was the first man?"</p> + + <p>HEAD SCHOLAR—"Washington; he was first in war, first + in—"</p> + + <p>TEACHER—"No, no; Adam was the first man."</p> + + <p>HEAD SCHOLAR-"Oh! if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose + he was."</p><a name="H_0234" + id="H_0234"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FORESIGHT</h2> + + <p>"Are you going to pay any attention to these epithets that + are being hurled at you?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, indeed," answered Senator Sorghum. "I'm having them + all carefully copied and filed away. I may need them when it + comes my turn to call names."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, then, my hearties," said the gallant captain, "you + have a tough battle before you. Fight like heroes till your + powder is gone; then run. I'm a little lame, and I'll start + now."</p><a name="H_0235" + id="H_0235"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FORGETFULNESS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Memory.</p><a name="H_0236" + id="H_0236"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FORTUNE HUNTERS</h2> + + <p>"This bill was innocent on its face, but beneath there + lurked a most sinister significance."</p> + + <p>The speaker, Senator Clarke, was discussing in Little Rock a + measure of which he disapproved.</p> + + <p>"The bill reminded me, in fact," he said, "of a Little Rock, + urchin's question. His question, innocent enough in appearance, + dear knows, was this:</p> + + <p>"'Would you mind making a noise like a frog, uncle?'"</p> + + <p>"'And why,' said the uncle, with an amused smile, 'why, + Tommy, do you desire me to make a noise like a frog?'"</p> + + <p>"'Because,' replied the urchin, 'whenever I ask daddy to buy + me anything he always says, 'Wait till your uncle croaks.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Here's poetic justice for you. One of these oil-stock + promoters married a woman for her money."</p> + + <p>"Yes?"</p> + + <p>"Only to discover that she had invested it all in his oil + stock."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I wanted the gold, and I sought it;</p> + + <p class="i2">I scrabbled and munched like a slave.</p> + + <p>Was it famine or scurvy—I fought it;</p> + + <p class="i2">I hurled my youth into the grave.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I wanted the gold and I got it—</p> + + <p class="i2">Came out with a fortune last + fall—</p> + + <p>Yet somehow life's not what I thought it,</p> + + <p class="i2">And somehow the gold isn't all."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>George Matthew Adams</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mamma," said the Young Thing, "I want you to stop forcing + me into Mr. Gottit's company all the time. People are + talking."</p> + + <p>"But, my dear," protested the Solicitous Lady, "he is a + wonderful catch!"</p> + + <p>"He may be, Mamma, but if you keep on thinking you are + pitcher, he'll get onto your curves and throw the game."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDITH—"I think Jack is horrid. I asked him if he had + to choose between me and a million which he would take, and he + said the million."</p> + + <p>MARIE—"That's all right. He knew if he had the million + you'd be easy,"</p><a name="H_0237" + id="H_0237"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FOUNTAIN PENS</h2> + + <p>"Why do they call 'em fountain pens? I should say reservoir + pen would be the better name. A reservoir contains liquids; a + fountain throws 'em around."</p> + + <p>"I think fountain pen is the proper name," said the party of + the second part.</p><a name="H_0238" + id="H_0238"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FRANKLIN</h2> + + <p>Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a + literary society, and not well understanding French when + declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his + acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a + little child, who understood French, said to him, "But, + grand-papa, you always applauded the loudest when they were + praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the + matter.</p><a name="H_0239" + id="H_0239"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FREAKS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis well to seek to be unique,</p> + + <p>But being too odd makes a freak.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0240" + id="H_0240"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FREE VERSE</h2> + + <p>YOUNG THING—"I wonder why they call it free + verse?"</p> + + <p>THE POET—"That's simple. Did you ever try to sell + any?"</p><a name="H_0241" + id="H_0241"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FREEDOM OF SPEECH</h2> + + <p>Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of + freedom of speech: "The liberty to say what you think without + thinking what you say."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I believe in free speech!" exclaimed the vociferous + man.</p> + + <p>"So do I," rejoined Uncle Bill Bottletop; "so do I. But in + one respect free speech reminds me of the free lunch in the old + days. You hate to see a man making a pig of himself just + because something's free."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Words can be just as dangerous as acts. There is a common + notion that the right of free speech implies the right to say + anything we please and relieves a man of all responsibility for + his words. Every man should recognize that hard words are just + as dangerous as brickbats, and if he gets to throwing them + around promiscuously he is liable for the damage he does. + Almost any opinion we have could be stated in terms that would + not cause offense. Hard words are caused by our consciousness + of the weakness of our position. They are symptoms of + impotence. They arise from the feeling that a single statement + of our case is not sufficient, and that the only way to make an + impression is by insult or abuse. A man who is satisfied with + the justice of his position is content to state it in simple + and inoffensive terms.—<i>Dr. Frank Crane</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Sir," screeched the wild-haired man, "are you opposed to + free speech?"</p> + + <p>"Not unless I am compelled to listen to it," replied old + Festus Pester.</p><a name="H_0242" + id="H_0242"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FRENCH LANGUAGE</h2> + + <p>"Does your son who is abroad with the troops understand + French?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, but he says the people he meets there don't seem + to."</p><a name="H_0243" + id="H_0243"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FRIENDS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A fellah come to me today</p> + + <p class="i2">And slapped me on the back</p> + + <p>And started makin', right away,</p> + + <p class="i2">The us'al sort of crack</p> + + <p>About how good a friend he was,</p> + + <p class="i2">How strong he was for me—</p> + + <p>But friends don't need to tell you so,</p> + + <p>There's other ways to tell you so,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Says Charlie Cherokee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When makin' up my list of friends</p> + + <p class="i2">I try to git 'em all;</p> + + <p>The folks who give me recommends,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or loans, however small;</p> + + <p>I try to think of all they done</p> + + <p class="i2">A friend of mine to be.</p> + + <p>I find a rainy day is what</p> + + <p>Will tell you who's a friend or not,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Says Charlie Cherokee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I've never added to the list</p> + + <p class="i2">A man, like this one did,</p> + + <p>Who slapped my back and grabbed my fist</p> + + <p class="i2">And started in to kid.</p> + + <p>For friends don't need to say a word,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their friendship you can see,</p> + + <p>Can see it in a fellah's eyes—</p> + + <p>For friends don't need to advertise,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Says Charlie Cherokee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Douglas Malloch</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A day for toil, an hour for sport,</p> + + <p>But for a friend life is too short.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>It's a pretty safe guess that if you have no friends you + have done something to deserve the fix you are in.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A friend who is not in need is a friend indeed.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Friends</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Around the corner I had a friend,</p> + + <p>In this great city, that has no end.</p> + + <p>Yet days go by and weeks rush on</p> + + <p>And before I know it, a year has gone,</p> + + <p>And I never see my old friend's face,</p> + + <p>For life is a swift and terrible race.</p> + + <p>He knows I like him just as well</p> + + <p>As in the days when I rang his bell,</p> + + <p>And he rang mine, we were younger then</p> + + <p>And now we are busy, tired men,</p> + + <p>Tired of playing the foolish game,</p> + + <p>Tired with trying to make a name.</p> + + <p>"Tomorrow" I say, "I'll call on Jim</p> + + <p>Just to show him that I think of him,"</p> + + <p>But tomorrow comes, and tomorrow goes,</p> + + <p>And the distance between us grows and grows.</p> + + <p>Around the corner—yet miles away</p> + + <p>"Here's a telegram, sir" Jim died today.</p> + + <p>And that's what we get and deserve in the end,</p> + + <p>Around the corner, a vanished friend.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>C. Hanson Towne</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Borrowers.</p><a name="H_0244" + id="H_0244"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FRIENDSHIP</h2> + + <p>"Friendship," said Uncle Eben, "don't mean no mo' to some + folk dan a license to borrow money."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Friendship is a disinterested commerce between + equals.—<i>Goldsmith</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So long as we love we serve;</p> + + <p>So long as we are loved by others</p> + + <p>I would almost say that we are indispensable;</p> + + <p>And no man is useless while he has a friend.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>He removes the greatest ornament of friendship who takes + away from it respect.—<i>Cicero</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Rejoice, and men will seek you;</p> + + <p class="i2">Grieve, and they turn and go,</p> + + <p>They want full measure of all your pleasure,</p> + + <p class="i2">But they do not need your woe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Be glad, and your friends are many;</p> + + <p class="i2">Be sad, and you lose them all,—</p> + + <p>There are none to decline your nectar'd wine,</p> + + <p class="i2">But alone you must drink life's gall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Ella Wheeler Wilcox</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0245" + id="H_0245"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FUTURE</h2> + + <p>Youth measures the future with the straight, new ruler of + the present; Old Age, by the frayed and patched plumb-line of + the past.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>I announce myself unblushingly and with perfect confidence. + Nobody has anything on me.</p> + + <p>Nobody can ever supplant me in the affections and desires of + men. I am supreme mogul of the universe.</p> + + <p>Everybody is working for me. Asking nothing for myself, all + men expect everything of me. I withhold nothing and grant as + little as I like. Men may doubt fire and the stars, but not + me.</p> + + <p>Nobody ever saw me, yet I am the one reality. Nobody knows + anything about me. So long as time shall last my secret is + safe. Yet I am ever on the lips of men. My name is lisped by + the toddling infant and chortled by hoary-headed sages.</p> + + <p>I am the one that you will eventually disown.</p> + + <p>I am <i>tomorrow</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Tomorrow Never Arrives</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Always lookin' forward to an easy-goin' time,</p> + + <p>When the world seems movin' careless like a bit of + idle rime;</p> + + <p>A day when there is nothin' that kin make you sigh + or fret;</p> + + <p>Always lookin' forward—but I haven't seen it + yet.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0246" + id="H_0246"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FUTURE LIFE</h2> + + <p>Mr. Tarzon Jones was sitting down to breakfast one morning + when he was astounded to see in the paper an announcement of + his own death.</p> + + <p>He rang up his friend Howard Smith at once. "Halloa, Smith!" + he said. "Have you seen the announcement of my death in the + paper?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Smith. "Where are you speaking from?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEACHER—"And what was Nelson's farewell address?"</p> + + <p>BRIGHT BOY—"Heaven, ma'am."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At the grave of the departed the old darky pastor stood, hat + in hand. Looking into the abyss he delivered himself of the + funeral oration.</p> + + <p>"Samuel Johnson," he said sorrowfully, "you is gone. An' we + hopes you is gone where we 'specks you ain't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>POST—"A man can die but once."</p> + + <p>PARKER—"Once used to be enough, until these psychic + experts got busy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A French biologist declares that by a freezing process, + somewhat similar to that used in preserving fish, the span of + human life can be indefinitely extended. By going into cold + storage here, we can postpone a hot time hereafter.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, Bill," asked a neighbor. "Hear the boss has had a + fever? How's his temperature today?"</p> + + <p>The hired man scratched his head and decided not to commit + himself.</p> + + <p>"'Tain't fer me to say," he replied. "He died last + night."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A park orator returning home flushed with his oratorical + efforts, and also from other causes, found a mild curate seated + opposite in the tram-car. "It may interest you to know," he + said truculently, "that I don't believe in the existence of a + 'eaven." The curate merely nodded, and went on reading his + newspaper. "You don't quite realize," said the park orator, + "what I'm trying to make clear. I want you to understand that I + don't believe for a single, solitary moment that such a place + as 'eaven exists." "All right, all right," answered the curate + pleasantly, "go to hell, only don't make quite so much fuss + about it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Massachusetts Senator was back home, looking after his + political fences, and was asking the minister about some of his + old acquaintances.</p> + + <p>"How's old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see + him again?"</p> + + <p>"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "Mr + Jones has gone to heaven."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now, boys," said the teacher in the juvenile Sunday-school + class, "our lesson today teaches us that if we are good while + here on earth, when we die we will go to a place of everlasting + bliss. But suppose we are bad, then what will become of + us?"</p> + + <p>"We'll go to a place of everlasting blister," promptly + answered the small boy at the pedal extremity of the class.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I wish, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, + "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because + then you could let me in."</p> + + <p>"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be + better for you that I had the keys of the other place, for then + I could let you out."</p><a name="H_0247" + id="H_0247"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>FUTURIST ART</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Futurist Art</i></p> + + <p>Which one might worship—if he should + wish—without breaking the second commandment because + truly there is nothing like it "in the heavens above, in the + earth beneath or in the waters under the earth."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a + lunatic asylum. To all persons who visit him he says, "Look + here; this is the latest masterpiece of my composition." They + look, and see nothing but an expanse of bare canvas. They ask, + "What does that represent?"</p> + + <p>"That? Why, that represents the passage of the Jews through + the Red Sea."</p> + + <p>"Beg pardon, but where is the sea?"</p> + + <p>"It has been driven back."</p> + + <p>"And where are the Jews?"</p> + + <p>"They have crossed over."</p> + + <p>"And the Egyptians?"</p> + + <p>"Will be here soon. That's the sort of painting I like; + simple, suggestive, and unpretentious."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The artist dipped his brush in a bucket of paint and wiped + it across the canvas several times horizontally. When he had + done this he took his labor in hand and carefully placed it in + an elaborate frame.</p> + + <p>"What's the idea?" his boon companion inquired.</p> + + <p>"Impressionistic study."</p> + + <p>"Do you mean to tell me that is a finished painting?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly."</p> + + <p>"What are you going to call it?"</p> + + <p>"A village street as seen from the rear seat of a + motorcycle."</p><a name="H_0248" + id="H_0248"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GAMBLING</h2> + + <p>"Look, mother," said Bobbie, exhibiting a handful of + marbles, "I won all those from Willie Smith."</p> + + <p>"Why, Bobbie!" exclaimed his mother; "don't you know it's + wicked to play marbles for 'keeps'? Go right over to his house + and give back every one."</p> + + <p>"Yes, mother," said the boy obediently; "and shall I take + that vase you won at Mrs. Jones' whist party, and give it back + to her?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It's just as wrong to gamble when you win as when you + lose."</p> + + <p>"Yassuh," asserted Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "De immorality is + jes' as great, but de inconvenience ain't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROFESSOR—"Now I put the number seven on the board. + What number immediately comes into your mind?"</p> + + <p>CLASS (in unison)—"Eleven!"—<i>Burr</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SAM—"Ah done heard dat dey fine' Columbus's + bones."</p> + + <p>EZRA—"Lawd! Ah never knew dat he wuz a gamblin' + man."</p><a name="H_0249" + id="H_0249"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GARAGES</h2> + + <p>"What do they sell in that last garage besides gasoline, + father?"</p> + + <p>"'Besides,' my son? You mean 'instead + of.'"—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0250" + id="H_0250"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GARDENING</h2> + + <p>"I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your + garden?"</p> + + <p>"I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found + that it would be impossible. They should be planted in hills, + and my yard is perfectly level."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE—"If you want a garden this + year you had better hire somebody to make it. I'm not going to + try it again. I've figured it out; and if I would spend on my + business the time I put in on that garden I would make enough + money to keep us in vegetables for fifty years. I am off it for + life."</p> + + <p>WHAT HE SAID TO HIS NEIGHBOR—"I don't think I'll + bother with a garden this year. It doesn't pay; I may do a + little; but the digging and the labor—I'm off that for + life."</p> + + <p>WHAT HE SAID TO HIS PARTNER—"Well, how's the garden + coming along? I'm not doing much with mine this year. What? How + high did you say? Already? What seed did you use?"</p> + + <p>WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME AN HOUR EARLY THAT + DAY—"Call me when dinner's ready. I've got to get the + garden started today or I'll never raise a + thing."</p><a name="H_0251" + id="H_0251"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GAS</h2> + + <p>DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER—"Do you mean to say that this + meter measures the amount of gas we burn?"</p> + + <p>GAS COLLECTOR—"I will enter into no controversy, sir; + but I may say that the meter measures the amount of gas you + will have to pay for."</p><a name="H_0252" + id="H_0252"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GENEROSITY</h2> + + <p>SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER—"Now, Jimmy, I want you to + memorize today's motto, 'It is more blessed to give than to + receive.'"</p> + + <p>JIMMY—"Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has + always used that as his motto in his business."</p> + + <p>TEACHER—"Oh, how noble of him! And what is his + business?"</p> + + <p>JIMMY—"He's a prize-fighter, + ma'am."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Let us proportion our alms to our ability, lest we provoke + God to proportion His blessings to our + alms.—<i>Beveridge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give + up, that makes us + rich.—<i>Beecher</i>.</p><a name="H_0253" + id="H_0253"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GENIUS</h2> + + <p>WILLIE—"Paw, what is the difference between genius and + talent?"</p> + + <p>PAW—"Talent gets paid every Saturday, my son."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Time, place, and action, may with pains be + wrought,</p> + + <p>But genius must be born, and never can be + taught.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dryden</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Who in the same given time can produce more than many + others, has vigor; who can produce more and better, has + talents; who can produce what none else can, has + genius.—<i>Lavater</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And genius hath electric power,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which earth can never tame;</p> + + <p>Bright suns may scorch, and dark clouds + lower—</p> + + <p class="i2">Its flash is still the same.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Lydia M. Child</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Taste consists in the power of judging; genius in the power + of executing.—<i>Blair</i>.</p><a name="H_0254" + id="H_0254"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GEOGRAPHY</h2> + + <p>Edgar, aged five, was driving from the station on his first + visit to Maine. His mother, noticing a troubled look on his + face as he looked about, said:</p> + + <p>"What's the matter, dear? Don't you like the beautiful + country?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, mother, but on <i>my</i> map Maine is <i>red</i>!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FATHER—"Now James, get ready. I'm going to hear your + geography lesson. What have the various expeditions to the + North Pole accomplished?"</p> + + <p>JIMMY—"Nothin' 'cept to make the geography lessons + harder."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The geography lesson was about to begin, and the subject of + it was France.</p> + + <p>Accordingly, the teacher started off with the question: "Now + in this present terrible war, who is our principal ally?"</p> + + <p>"France," came the answer from a chorus of voices.</p> + + <p>"Quite right," said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of + you give me the name of a town in France?"</p> + + <p>A small boy at the back of the class almost fell over in his + eagerness to tell; "Somewhere," he said, + breathlessly.</p><a name="H_0255" + id="H_0255"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GERMANY</h2> + + <p>"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of + herself, and so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful + fallacy."</p> + + <p>The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American + Food Board.</p> + + <p>"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely + thought he'd grow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been + digging for about an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. + Ten minutes later he found another quarter. Then he found a + dime. Then he found a quarter again.</p> + + <p>"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, + straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. + Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped the truth: There + was a hole in his pocket."</p><a name="H_0256" + id="H_0256"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GERMS</h2> + + <p>"You don't seem to pay any attention to these germs."</p> + + <p>"I don't talk about 'em any more than is necessary," + answered Doc Braney. "I take all possible precautions and then + try to ignore 'em. The meanest thing about a germ is that if he + can't attack you anywhere else, he tries to get on your + mind."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and + mother was busy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the + sick-room.</p> + + <p>"Why do you do that?" asked four-year-old Donald.</p> + + <p>"Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on + the dishes, so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid + germs."</p> + + <p>Donald turned this over in his little mind for several + minutes. Then:</p> + + <p>"Mother, why don't you boil daddy?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizes + or filters everything in the house."</p> + + <p>"How does she get along with her family?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, even her relations are strained."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had + repeatedly cautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling + any object that might contain germs. One day the little girl + came in and said:</p> + + <p>"Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy any more, + because he has germs on him."</p> + + <p>"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your + puppy."</p> + + <p>"Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one + hop."—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0257" + id="H_0257"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GIFTS</h2> + + <p>When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, + his men banded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed + silver horn to present to him at a meeting in the town hall. + The fireman who was chosen to make the presentation practiced + his speech for days beforehand. The chief, who had been + informed of what was to happen, also practiced his speech of + acceptance. They rehearsed together and were "letter perfect" + when they mounted the platform in the town hall. The throng + which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect. + Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across + the platform and with a ghastly expression on his face, + said:</p> + + <p>"Well, Bill, here's your horn!"</p> + + <p>The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that + it?"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not what we give, but what we share,</p> + + <p>For the gift without the giver is bare.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Lowell</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>He gives twice who gives quickly.—<i>Syrus</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous + gift of socks, entered them at once, for he was about to + undertake a heavy march. He was soon prey to the most + excruciating agony, and when, a mere cripple, he drew off his + foot-gear at the end of a terrible day, he discovered inside + the toe of the sock what had once been a piece of stiff + writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold, + feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the + wearer of this pair of socks!"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>We like the gift when we the giver + prize.—<i>Sheffield</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Christmas gifts.</p><a name="H_0258" + id="H_0258"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GIRLS</h2> + + <p>Son has just begun to go to school, and has much to say + about the new little girls he meets, but every few days it is a + different girl that attracts him. His mother said, "I'm afraid, + son, that you are changeable."</p> + + <p>"'Tain't me that changes, mom," he answered; "it's them, + when you know them better."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they + promise to be.—<i>Goethe</i>.</p><a name="H_0259" + id="H_0259"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GOD</h2> + + <p>A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents + greatly objected to being put in an upper berth. She was + assured that papa, mama, and God would watch over her. She was + settled in the berth at last and the passengers were quiet for + the night, when a small voice piped:</p> + + <p>"Mama!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, dear."</p> + + <p>"You there?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep."</p> + + <p>"Papa, you there?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl."</p> + + <p>This continued at intervals for some time until a fellow + passenger lost patience and called:</p> + + <p>"We're all here! Your father and mother and brothers and + sisters and uncles and aunts and first cousins. All here. Now + go to sleep!"</p> + + <p>There was a brief pause after this explosion. Then the tiny + voice piped up again, but very softly:</p> + + <p>"Mama!"</p> + + <p>"Well?"</p> + + <p>"Was that God?"</p><a name="H_0260" + id="H_0260"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GOLF</h2> + + <p>FIRST NEWSBOY—"Chimmie's got a job as caddie for a + golf club. Is dere much money in dat?"</p> + + <p>SECOND DITTO—"De salary ain't much, but dey makes a + lot extra backin' up fellers when dey lies about de scores dey + made."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman was suddenly struck by a golf-ball.</p> + + <p>"Are you hurt?" asked the player. "Why didn't you get out of + the way?"</p> + + <p>"An' why should I get out of the way?" asked Pat. "I didn't + know there was any assassins round here."</p> + + <p>"But I called 'fore,'" said the player, "and when I say + 'fore,' that is a sign for you to get out of the way."</p> + + <p>"Oh, it is, is it?" said Pat. "Well, thin, whin I say + 'foive,' it is a sign that you are going to get hit on the + nose. 'Foive.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What do you think is the most difficult thing for a + beginner to learn about golf?"</p> + + <p>"To keep from talking about it all the time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The golfer who was employing him was playing very badly, and + the caddie threw himself down on the grass at one point and + watched him. When the man had at last succeeded in getting his + ball out of the bunker, he glanced toward the boy and remarked: + "You must be tired, lying down at this time of day."</p> + + <p>"I ain't tired of carrying," said the caddie, "but I + certainly am tired of counting."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What is considered a good score on these links?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sir," replied the youthful caddie solemnly, "most of + the gents tries to do it in as few strokes as they can, but it + gin'r'lly takes some more."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Look, grandpaw, a new gowf ba' I foond, lost on the + links."</p> + + <p>"Are ye sure it was lost, Sandy?"</p> + + <p>"Oo, ay; I saw the mannie an' his caddy lookin' for it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Reflections of a Class A Caddie</i></p> + + <p>One swallow does not make a golfer—it only helps.</p> + + <p>You may chip, you may wallop the ball if you will,</p> + + <p>But the slash of the duffer will cling round it still.</p> + + <p>Look before you cheat.</p> + + <p>Every water hole has a silver lining—ask the boat + boy.</p> + + <p>To stymie is human; to lift up divine.</p> + + <p>Half a stroke is better than none.</p> + + <p>He laughs last who putts best.</p> + + <p>When in doubt, hole out.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two golf fiends—an Englishman and a Scot—were + playing a round together. After the first hole the Englishman + asked:</p> + + <p>"How many did you take?"</p> + + <p>"Eight," replied the Scot.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Oh, I only took seven, so it's my hole!" exclaimed the + Englishman, triumphantly.</p> + + <p>After the second hole the Englishman put the same question + again. But the Scot smiled knowingly.</p> + + <p>"Na, na, ma man," said he; "it's ma turn tae ask + first!"</p><a name="H_0261" + id="H_0261"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GOSSIP</h2> + + <p>"They say—"</p> + + <p>"Who say?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, all the people who don't matter."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Germany's attitude toward peace is ominous," said General + Laurin Lawson at a luncheon in Louisville."</p> + + <p>"Germany reminds me, in fact, of the new parlor-maid whose + mistress said to her:"</p> + + <p>"'And above all things, I expect you to be reticent.'"</p> + + <p>"'Yes, ma'am, certainly, of course, ma'am,' said the new + maid."</p> + + <p>"Then she leaned toward her mistress with shining eyes."</p> + + <p>"'And what's there to be reticent about, ma'am?' she + asked."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now this is a secret and you mustn't tell anybody."</p> + + <p>"Rest assured that I won't tell that secret to anybody, + dear. I have no desire to figure as a female Rip Van Winkle. + That secret is at least three weeks old."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to + other people about themselves.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you want to know a woman</p> + + <p class="i2">Who can play a game of tag</p> + + <p class="i4">With Truth until it's spent beyond + repair,</p> + + <p>Who can start a thousand rumors,</p> + + <p class="i2">Set ten thousand tongues a-wag</p> + + <p class="i4">Till there's nothing left of Gospel in + the air,</p> + + <p>Who can get you into trouble</p> + + <p class="i2">And your reputation smirch—</p> + + <p class="i4">It's Mrs. Grundy</p> + + <p class="i4">On a Sunday</p> + + <p>When she's walking home from church.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i28">—<i>Katharine Eggleston + Roberts</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is + reliable?"</p> + + <p>"I know that whatever she says goes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It's just an idle rumor."</p> + + <p>"Well, my wife's bridge club is in session. If those ladies + get hold of that idle rumor, they'll soon put it to work."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill + and then bring it to you.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess + requested one of her guests to go home, that the rest might + have somebody to talk about.</p><a name="H_0262" + id="H_0262"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP</h2> + + <p>They were looking down into the depths of the Grand + Cañon.</p> + + <p>"Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and + millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?"</p> + + <p>"Well, well!" ejaculated the traveler. "I never knew this + was a government job."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I presume you're mighty glad the war is over."</p> + + <p>"Well, I don' jes' know about dat," answered Mandy. "Cose + I'se glad to have my Sam back home an' all dat, but I jes' know + I ain't never gwine t'get money from him so regular as I did + while he wuz in de Army an' de Government wuz handlin' his + financial affairs."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you approve of the Government's action in taking over + the railroads."</p> + + <p>"Yep," replied Mr. Growcher. "I approve of that and + prohibition for several reasons, one of them being that now a + lot of people can quit lecturing on the subject and go to + work."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NULLERFORD—"Do you know anybody who favors government + control of the railroads?"</p> + + <p>FONDERHAM—"I know one man. He lives fifty miles from + the nearest rail; never does any traveling or shipping; has a + son who's a conductor, a nephew who's a brakeman, a daughter + who works in a railroad office, and two grandsons who are going + to be firemen."</p><a name="H_0263" + id="H_0263"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GRATITUDE</h2> + + <p>At least one Washington débutante has candor and + humor in large and equal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor + that she was engaged:</p> + + <p>"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank God for the + report!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You did me a favor ten years ago," said the stranger, "and + I have never forgotten it."</p> + + <p>"Ah," replied the good man with a grateful expression on his + face, "and you have come back to repay me?"</p> + + <p>"Not exactly," replied the stranger. "I've just got into + town and need another favor, and I thought of you right + away."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Thankful? What have I to be thankful for? I can't pay my + bills."</p> + + <p>"Then, man alive, be thankful you are not one of your + creditors."</p><a name="H_0264" + id="H_0264"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>GUARANTEES</h2> + + <p>"Say," said the man as he entered the clothing-store. "I + bought this suit here less than two weeks ago, and it is + rusty-looking already."</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the clothing-dealer, "I guaranteed it to + wear like iron, didn't I?"</p><a name="H_0265" + id="H_0265"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HABIT</h2> + + <p>Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery + store.</p> + + <p>"Is Judge David Poggenburg stopping here?" asked an + impressive-looking stranger approaching the desk.</p> + + <p>"No," replied the clerk with his most winning manner, + "but—er—we have something else just as good."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He was engaged to the daughter of a literary man. He was + bold as a wooer, but the veriest coward when it came to + approaching the fair one's father. So he waited outside the + great man's study while the "fayre ladye" did the tackling. In + five minutes she was out again and on her dress was pinned a + slip of paper bearing the words:</p> + + <p>"With the author's compliments."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other + night, and stole a kiss."</p> + + <p>"What did she say?"</p> + + <p>"Will that be all?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The two American war correspondents were gazing at the + conflict when Winkletop caught sight of a gallant officer + leading a charge.</p> + + <p>"His face is strangely familiar," he said. "That Greek + lieutenant, I mean—"</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Blithers. "He used to run the bootblacking stand + in that barber-shop over on Steenth Avenue and Umptyiph + Street."</p> + + <p>And just then the noble warrior dashed madly past, and, + forgetting himself under the excitement of the moment, turned + and cried aloud to his advancing troops:</p> + + <p>"Next! Shine!"</p> + + <p>And the indomitable phalanx moved steadily up the hill, + giving the enemy the worst polishing-off they had had since war + was declared.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>RELATIVE—"He is sleeping so quietly that I wonder if + we will know when the end comes."</p> + + <p>WIFE OF DYING FIRST-NIGHTER—"Yes, we will. He will get + up and go out about five minutes before the + end."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HURRY—"What's happened to Speeder. I haven't seen him + for weeks?"</p> + + <p>CANE—"Oh, he tried all the different makes of cars and + then bought an aeroplane."</p> + + <p>HURRY—"Has he crashed?"</p> + + <p>CANE—"Well, not exactly. He started on a cross-country + flight the other day, heard something rattle and + absent-mindedly climbed out to look under the machine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"For ten years," said the new boarder, "my habits were as + regular as clockwork. I rose on the stroke of six, and half an + hour later was at breakfast; at seven I was at work; dined at + one; had supper at six, and was in bed at nine thirty. Ate only + plain food, and hadn't a day's illness all the time."</p> + + <p>"Dear me!" said a hearer, in sympathetic tones; "and what + were you in for?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DOCTOR—"I have to report, sir, that you are the father + of triplets."</p> + + <p>POLITICIAN—"Impossible! I'll demand a + recount."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,</p> + + <p>As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dryden</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Habit" is hard to overcome.<br /> + If you take off the first letter, it does not change "a + bit."<br /> + If you take off another, you have a "bit" left.<br /> + If you take still another the whole of "it" remains.<br /> + If you take still another, it is not "t"-totally used + up.<br /> + All of which goes to show that if you wish to be rid of a + "habit," you must throw it off altogether.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why did your wife leave you?"</p> + + <p>"Force of habit, I guess. She was a cook before I married + her."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BRIGGS—"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you + about something I have had on my mind for some time, just a + little habit of yours."</p> + + <p>GRIGGS—"Certainly not."</p> + + <p>BRIGGS—"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you + before. And you are such a splendid, noble fellow."</p> + + <p>GRIGGS—"Yes, yes."</p> + + <p>BRIGGS—"You're one of those fellows who never really + know what is being said to them; you're always pursuing some + train of thought. Anyone can tell half the time you are not + listening by the far-away look in your eyes. You've offended a + lot of people. Of course, it's terribly rude—only you + don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap (putting his + hands on Grigg's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit."</p> + + <p>GRIGGS (obliged to face him)—"Just what were you + saying?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"That cashier is a cool chap."</p> + + <p>"How so?"</p> + + <p>"A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank's + cash yesterday, but he said he couldn't do it unless the thug + was identified. This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a + moment and was nabbed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Some time ago, when a local corps was reviewed by Sir Ian + Hamilton, one officer was mounted on a horse that had + previously distinguished itself in a bakery business. Somebody + recognized the horse, and shouted, "Baker!" The horse promptly + stopped dead, and nothing could urge it on.</p> + + <p>The situation was getting painful when the officer was + struck with a brilliant idea, and remarked, "Not today, thank + you." The procession then moved on.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"This makes the fourth time I have had to punish you this + week, Sylvester," chided the teacher. "Do you wonder why?"</p> + + <p>"Nope!" replied Skinny Smith. "You've got the habit, that's + all."</p><a name="H_0266" + id="H_0266"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HADES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Future life.</p><a name="H_0267" + id="H_0267"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HAPPINESS</h2> + + <p>"Happiness is merely a state of mind," quoted the Parlor + Philosopher.</p> + + <p>"If you mean happiness is imaginary I quite agree with you," + replied the Mere Man. "Just watch a fellow enjoying his + fifty-cent cigar, when he knows very well it's really the old + five-center he used to scorn."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Keep happy when the weather's fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hum with the cheerful throng;</p> + + <p>Be glad that God has let you share</p> + + <p class="i2">The joys of sun and song.</p> + + <p>Keep happy when the weather's wet</p> + + <p class="i2">The sun may hide to-day;</p> + + <p>But back of the clouds, I'll bet,</p> + + <p class="i2">He's smiling, anyway!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Luke McLuke</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">All who joy would win</p> + + <p class="i2">Must share it—Happiness was born a + twin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Happiness is not a fixed quantity, like the world's gold + supply: so that the more one man has the less his neighbor is + likely to have. Real happiness is an infection. You can never + force it upon any one. Each individual must "take" it. I have + heard people say, as explaining the misery of many, that there + is not enough happiness to go around. But the comment misses + the very nature of happiness. The more there is in the world, + the more there is likely to be. The larger the number of happy + people the faster the infection will spread. But each must + invite it. One child is happy with the crudest sort of toy, + whereas another child is unhappy with an armful of toys. To the + latter kind of soul, grown or ungrown, you can never give + happiness, for there are not enough toys to supply everybody. + Happiness is of the heart not of circumstances.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>After reading a poem about a little boy who was so happy + because there were lovely flowers, beautiful birds, blue sky + and running brooks, eight-year-old William remarked:</p> + + <p>"Those things would never make me happy, Miss Jones."</p> + + <p>"Why, William," replied his teacher, "what would it take to + make you happy?"</p> + + <p>"Saturdays!" was the prompt + reply.—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The good fairy brought an ingot of lead and an ingot of gold + and laid them before him. "Choose!" she said, simply.</p> + + <p>The child thought a moment, and chose the lead.</p> + + <p>"It's no heavier to carry, it's just as good to eat, and it + won't make everybody hate me!" quoth he.</p> + + <p>The good fairy laughed.</p> + + <p>"You can be happy without any help from me," she chirped, + and flew away.</p><a name="H_0268" + id="H_0268"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HASH</h2> + + <p>The literary boarder fastened his eyes upon the hash.</p> + + <p>"Kindly pass the Review of Reviews," he said.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They had hash on Monday for dinner, after a roast of beef on + Sunday, as happens in all well-regulated families. Father had + said grace, when Bobbie said:</p> + + <p>"I don't see why you asked another blessing this evening, + father. You did it yesterday over this. It's the same old + stuff."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SHE (thoughtfully)—"Did you ever think much about + reincarnation, dear?"</p> + + <p>'18 (otherwise)—"Think about it? I eat it nearly every + day—only we call it hash."</p><a name="H_0269" + id="H_0269"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HASTE</h2> + + <p>Ten people hurry, to catch up where one hurries to get + ahead.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The more haste, ever the worst + speed.—<i>Churchill</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is + too big for him. Haste and hurry are very different + things.—<i>Chesterfield</i>.</p><a name="H_0270" + id="H_0270"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HEAVEN</h2> + + <p>A Sunday-school teacher was quizzing her class of boys on + the strength of their desire for righteousness.</p> + + <p>"All those who wish to go to heaven," she said, "please + stand."</p> + + <p>All got to their feet but one small boy.</p> + + <p>"Why, Johnny," exclaimed the shocked teacher, "do you mean + to say that you don't want to go to heaven?"</p> + + <p>"No, ma'am," replied Johnny promptly. "Not if that bunch is + going."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE COOK—"Sir! Sir! There's a <i>Zep'lin</i> outside + and if you don't come wi' the keys of the cellar, we'll all be + in—in—heaven in a couple o' minutes!"</p> + + <p>THE CURATE—"God forbid!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One of the prominent deacons in an Ohio church was seriously + ill. As he was very popular among the congregation, a bulletin + board was posted in front of the church to inform of his + condition. It read:</p> + + <p>"One o'clock. Deacon Jones very ill."</p> + + <p>"Two o'clock. Deacon Jones is worse and sinking + rapidly."</p> + + <p>"Three o'clock. Deacon Jones dead."</p> + + <p>A traveling man passing by that evening read the bulletin + and, seeing no one in sight, added at the bottom:</p> + + <p>"Seven o'clock. Great excitement in Heaven. Deacon Jones has + not arrived. The worst is feared."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Ma, do cows and bees go to heaven?"</p> + + <p>"Mercy, child, what a question! Why?"</p> + + <p>"Cause if they don't, the milk and honey the preacher said + was up there must be all canned stuff."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Say, mama, was baby sent down from heaven?"</p> + + <p>"Why, yes."</p> + + <p>"Um. They like to have it quiet up there, don't they?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Future life.</p><a name="H_0271" + id="H_0271"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HELL</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Future life.</p><a name="H_0272" + id="H_0272"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HEREDITY</h2> + + <p>"What is heredity?"</p> + + <p>"Something a father believes in until his son starts to act + like a fool."</p><a name="H_0273" + id="H_0273"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HEROES</h2> + + <p>"So you won the Distinguished Service Cross for conspicuous + bravery in extreme danger. Didn't you feel shaky?"</p> + + <p>"Not until I lined up for the general to pin it on me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An average American soldier.<br /> + One opportunity to serve.<br /> + Equal parts of danger and courage.<br /> + A sense of duty.<br /> + A hot enemy fire.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The other day I met in the street a man in uniform. His coat + sleeves were embroidered from shoulder to cuff with bars, + stripes, insignia and chevrons of the most gorgeous colors and + fantastic designs. My curiosity was too much for me, and I was + about to stop and question him, when I discovered he had + already halted and was bursting to tell me.</p> + + <p>"Yes," he announced, "they are every one authorized by the + War Department. These three octangular triangles of orange mean + my third cousin did a good deal of war work. These ten vertical + mauve stripes are ten embarkations; the ten horizontal stripes + denote ten times sea-sick."</p> + + <p>"Then you never reached France," I sympathized.</p> + + <p>"No, but this gray dot indicates extreme disappointment. Now + these pink crosses—"</p> + + <p>But I hurried off, and almost ran into a limping soldier + with only a small gold chevron on each arm. My curiosity again + overcame me. "My boy, how came you by those?" I asked, feeling + assured he could not say much about only two chevrons. He did + not.</p> + + <p>"Well," he answered as he passed, "I was abroad for a while, + and I happened to kind of go a little lame."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Upon a wharf where the Yanks were disembarking a reporter + buttonholed a rosy-cheeked private.</p> + + <p>"Are you one of the heroes?" the newspaper man asked, with + notebook ready to record a stirring tale of heroism.</p> + + <p>"Naw," was the blushing reply. "I'm only a common doughboy. + But the lieutenant, over there, is one."</p> + + <p>To the officer indicated went the reporter.</p> + + <p>"I'm told you're a hero, sir," he said.</p> + + <p>"No," laughed the lieutenant. "I merely happened to be on + the job when something needed to be done, and I did it. + However, I can refer you to the simon-pure article." And he + pointed out a sergeant with three wound stripes upon his + sleeve.</p> + + <p>"Not guilty," declared the sergeant, when questioned. Then, + his eyes kindling with admiration, he waved toward a figure + standing somewhat aside from the throng. "Talk to the major. + You couldn't string on a fat man's bay window the medals he's + got, and ought to have."</p> + + <p>"Nonsense!" ejaculated the major, amusedly.</p> + + <p>"That's what you all say!" cried the reporter, in despair. + "Is hero-ing a criminal career?"</p> + + <p>Chuckling, the major beckoned to an ebony-hued stalwart.</p> + + <p>"Rastus," the major said, when the Senegambian saluted and + stepped forward, "this gentleman is looking for a hero. I think + you are one."</p> + + <p>"You might say I am, sah. Dey wasn't a wusser, dangerouser + job in de army dan mine."</p> + + <p>"What was it?" eagerly inquired the reporter.</p> + + <p>"Mistah," Rastus solemnly informed him. "I drove a mule team + plumb thoo dis wah."—<i>Terrell Love Holliday</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How perfectly splendid to think you're one of the heroes + who went over there to die for your country!"</p> + + <p>"Like h— I did, ma'am! I went over to make some other + guy die for his."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FATHER (endeavoring to blend instruction and + amusement)—"Yes, children, Mr. Lloyd George saved his + country just as Joan of Arc saved France."</p> + + <p>BRIGHT CHILD—"And when are they going to burn Mr. + Lloyd George, daddy?"</p><a name="H_0274" + id="H_0274"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HIGH COST OF LIVING</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Cost of living.</p><a name="H_0275" + id="H_0275"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HINTING</h2> + + <p>Despite the chilly spring day little Wilbur was out playing + without his coat. This worried a neighbor, but her advice went + unheeded. Finally, she said: "Wilbur, go home and get your + coat, and when you come back I'll give you a piece of + cake."</p> + + <p>The bribe worked, and Wilbur soon returned with his coat on + and was duly rewarded. Next day he knocked at the door to + announce significantly:</p> + + <p>"I ain't got my coat on today."</p><a name="H_0276" + id="H_0276"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HISTORY</h2> + + <p>After reading the famous poem, "The Landing of the Pilgrim + Fathers," to the class, the teacher said: "As a drawing + exercise suppose you each draw, according to your imagination, + a picture of Plymouth Rock."</p> + + <p>All but one little fellow set to work. He paused and finally + raised his hand.</p> + + <p>"What is it, Edgar?" the teacher asked.</p> + + <p>"Please, ma'am," Edgar piped out, "do you want us to draw a + hen or a rooster?"</p><a name="H_0277" + id="H_0277"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOME</h2> + + <p>The beauty of the house is order; the blessing of the house + is contentment; the glory of the house is hospitality; the + crown of the house is godliness.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Home—The place where we are treated best and grumble + most.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Home—A world of strife shut out, and a world of love + within.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is said that home is the place where a man hangs his hat, + but with a woman it is different. There is a rocker with a worn + cushion, a clock that doesn't keep time, a quilt that is worn, + a strip of carpet that is faded, a few old family pictures, an + old-fashioned vase, a meat platter, a cup and a few plates that + do not match and are chipped around the edges. These, and a few + more, known in feminine language as "her own things," are + needed, in the final reckoning, to make a place a home for a + woman.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Some day you'll be rich enough to retire from + business."</p> + + <p>"Give up my nice, pleasant office and stay home?" rejoined + Mr. Growcher. "I should say not."</p><a name="H_0278" + id="H_0278"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOME BREW</h2> + + <p>TIPS—"Why not try a home-brew receipt?"</p> + + <p>TAPS—"It's this way. If I meet a friend under the + influence of the forbidden, I'm afraid he isn't able to give + the receipt correctly, and when I meet a man who has had a few + drinks and doesn't feel any happier, I'll be darned if I want + the receipt."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LADY—"You say your father was injured in an explosion? + How did it happen?"</p> + + <p>CHILD—"Well, mother says it was too much yeast, but + father says it was too little sugar."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Country people call them cellars; city people call them + basements, and some people should call them breweries.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Did you ever hear about that home brew blowing up?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied Uncle Bill Bottletop. "If the appropriations + for prohibition enforcement don't hold up, maybe we can curb + the liquor evil by bringin' it under the regulations provided + for handling high explosives."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Detroit firm advertises "The ideal still survives." A good + many people interested suddenly in the raisin crop, who have + been trying to construct home-made stills, will be hard to + convince that any still survives—much less an ideal + one.</p><a name="H_0279" + id="H_0279"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOMELINESS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Beauty, Personal.</p><a name="H_0280" + id="H_0280"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOMESICK</h2> + + <p>"You ought to be contented and not fret for your old home," + said the mistress as she looked into the dim eyes of her young + Swedish maid. "You are earning good wages, your work is light, + every one is kind to you, and you have plenty of friends + here."</p> + + <p>"Yas'm," said the girl, "but it is not the place where I do + be that makes me vera homesick; it is the place where I don't + be."</p><a name="H_0281" + id="H_0281"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HONESTY</h2> + + <p>"No," said the old man, sternly. "I will not do it. Never + have I sold anything by false representation, and I will not + begin now."</p> + + <p>For a moment he was silent, and the clerk who stood before + him could see that the better nature of his employer was + fighting strongly for the right.</p> + + <p>"No," said the old man, again. "I will not do it. It is an + inferior grade of shoe, and I will never pass it off as + anything better. Mark it, 'A Shoe Fit for a Queen,' and put it + in the window. A queen does not have to do much walking."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>George, the elderly waiter, entered the office of the famous + solicitor who usually lunched at his table in a certain + restaurant and asked to see the chief.</p> + + <p>"Well, George," asked the man of law, when the waiter was + shown in, "what can I do for you? In trouble?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir, not exactly that; but I've got a chance of a good + job at the Hotel Splendide, and I was wondering if you'd be so + kind as to write me a testimonial, saying I'm a good waiter, + and honest, and so forth, sir?"</p> + + <p>"Well, George, of course I know you're a good waiter, but I + don't know anything else about you. How do I know, for example, + that you're honest?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, well, I am, sir! You'll be quite safe in saying + that."</p> + + <p>"Very good. I'll write it, then."</p> + + <p>"Thank you very much indeed, sir! And if at any time you + come to the Splendide and want a good lunch or dinner, be sure + to come to my tables, and I'll make you out a bill at + half-price."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="drama"> + <p class="i4">Aye, sir: to be honest, as this world goes, + is to be one man pick'd out of two + thousand.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Two piles of apples lay on the ground. One contained a + large-sized and rosy selection; the fruit of the other was + green and small.</p> + + <p>"Large on the top, sir, and small at the bottom?" inquired + the new assistant of his master, as he prepared to fill a + barrel.</p> + + <p>"Certainly not!" replied the farmer, virtuously. "Honesty is + the best policy, my boy. Put the little apples at the top, and + the large ones at the bottom."</p> + + <p>The assistant complied. His master was evidently as green as + his greenest fruit.</p> + + <p>"Is the barrel full, my lad?" asked the farmer.</p> + + <p>"Yes," answered the assistant.</p> + + <p>"Good." said the farmer, "Now turn it upside down and label + it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The man who fails to keep his word, soon finds that he + cannot give his word.</p> + + <p>"Do you believe honesty is the best policy?" "Well, it has + the deferred dividend feature."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Vermonter had returned home after a visit to Boston. + Someone asked him what he thought of the big city.</p> + + <p>"It's a fine place, all right, but the folks there ain't + honest," he replied.</p> + + <p>"Not honest! Where'd you get that idea?"</p> + + <p>"Why, I bought a roll of pins there labeled 'A Hundred Pins + for Five Cents,' and coming home on the train I counted them; + they were eleven short."</p><a name="H_0282" + id="H_0282"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HORSES</h2> + + <p>Two men thrown together at a horse-show were discussing + their adventures with the equine tribe.</p> + + <p>"A horse ran away with me once, and I wasn't out for two + months," remarked the man with the Trilby hat.</p> + + <p>"That's nothing!" replied the man with the bowler. "I ran + away with a horse once, and I wasn't out for two years!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A motor car was held up in a busy street by a wagon drawn by + two horses. The driver seemed in no hurry to get out of the + way, and at length one of the occupants of the motor car + exclaimed sarcastically:</p> + + <p>"Here, I say, my man! What are those things you are driving? + What are they for, I should like to know?"</p> + + <p>"These 'ere, guv'nor?" answered the carter, flicking the + horses with his whip. "Oh, these is wot is commonly called + 'orses, an' they're sometimes used fer to take motorists to the + 'orspital!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you think the motor will entirely supersede the + horse?"</p> + + <p>"I hope not," replied Farmer Corntossel. "There must be some + market fur hay. I depend on what I make on hay to buy + gasoline."</p><a name="H_0283" + id="H_0283"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOSPITALITY</h2> + + <p>Uncle Tobey was an hospitable soul. He wanted no guest in + his house to be stinted. "Have some, have some," he invited + cordially at the supper-table, sending around the platter for + the third time; "we're going to give it to the pigs + anyway."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blest be that spot, where cheerful guests retire</p> + + <p>To pause from toil, and trim their evening fire.</p> + + <p>Blest that abode, where want and pain repair,</p> + + <p>And every stranger finds a ready chair;</p> + + <p>Blest be those feasts with simple plenty + crown'd,</p> + + <p>Where all the ruddy family around</p> + + <p>Laugh at the jest or pranks, that never fail,</p> + + <p>Or sigh with pity of some mournful tale,</p> + + <p>Or press the bashful stranger to his food,</p> + + <p>And learn the luxury of doing good.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Goldsmith</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>It is not the quantity of the meat but the cheerfulness of + the guests which makes the feast.—<i>Clarendon</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BAILIE MCTAVISH—"An' so ye leave Glesca' on Monday. + What are ye daein the morrow nicht?"</p> + + <p>MR. JARVIE—"Tomorrow, Thursday, I've no + engagement."</p> + + <p>BAILIE—"An' the nixt nicht."</p> + + <p>MR. J.—"I'm free then, too."</p> + + <p>BAILIE—"An' what will ye be daein on Saturday?"</p> + + <p>MR. J.—"On Saturday I dine with the Buchans."</p> + + <p>BAILIE—"What a peety! Aa wanted ye to take dinner + wi'us on Saturday."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Quaker had gotten himself into trouble with the + authorities and the sheriff called to escort him to the + lock-up.</p> + + <p>"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came + to the door.</p> + + <p>"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."</p> + + <p>The sheriff entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and + was hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband + appeared. At last the sheriff grew impatient.</p> + + <p>"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would + see me."</p> + + <p>"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like + thy looks and has gone another way."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My wife thinks we run a hospitable house. What's your + notion of a hospitable house?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the + come and go of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it + supplied."</p><a name="H_0284" + id="H_0284"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOSPITALS</h2> + + <p>A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, + Brooklyn, called the first evening she was there and inquired + how she was getting along. He was told that she was + improving.</p> + + <p>Next day he called again, and was told she was still + improving. This went on for some time, each day the report + being that his wife was improving.</p> + + <p>Finally one day he called and said:</p> + + <p>"How iss my wife?"</p> + + <p>"She's dead."</p> + + <p>He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:</p> + + <p>"Well, how is your wife?"</p> + + <p>"She's dead"</p> + + <p>"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"</p> + + <p>"Improvements!"</p><a name="H_0285" + id="H_0285"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOTEL BIBLES</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Safety</i></p> + + <p>Once upon a time there lived an elderly millionaire who had + four nephews. Desiring to make one of these his heir, he tested + their cleverness.</p> + + <p>He gave to each a $100.00 bill, with the request that they + hide the bills for a year in the city of New York.</p> + + <p>Any of them who should succeed in finding the hidden bill at + the end of the year should share in the inheritance.</p> + + <p>The year being over, the four nephews brought their + reports.</p> + + <p>The first, deeply chagrined, told how he had put his bill in + the strongest and surest safe deposit vault, but, alas, clever + thieves had broken in and stolen it.</p> + + <p>The second had put his in charge of a tried and true friend. + But the friend has proved untrustworthy and had spent the + money.</p> + + <p>The third had hidden his bill in a crevice in the floor of + his room, but a mouse had nibbled it to bits to build her + nest.</p> + + <p>The fourth nephew calmly produced his $100.00 bill, as crisp + and as fresh as when it had been given him.</p> + + <p>"And where did you hide it?" asked his uncle.</p> + + <p>"Too easy! I stuck it in a hotel bible."</p> + + <p class="author">—<i>Carolyn + Wells</i>.</p><a name="H_0286" + id="H_0286"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOTELS</h2> + + <p>A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel + whistling loudly.</p> + + <p>"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know + that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to + whistle while on duty."</p> + + <p>"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. + Jones' dog."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A tall, gaunt-looking person recently entered a hotel in a + town where several fires had occurred and applied for a room at + a price which entitled him to lodging on the top floor of the + house. Among his belongings the proprietor noticed a coil of + rope, and asked what it was for.</p> + + <p>"That's a fire escape," said the man, "I carry one with me + so I can let myself down from the window without troubling + anyone."</p> + + <p>"Good plan," said the landlord, "but guests with fire + escapes like that pay in advance at this hotel."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DEPARTING GUEST—"Enjoyed ourselves? Oh yes! What I'm + upset about is leaving your hotel so soon after I've bought + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A commercial traveler, on leaving a certain hotel, said to + the proprietor: "Pardon me, but with what material do you stuff + the beds in your establishment?"</p> + + <p>"Why," said the landlord, proudly, "with the best straw to + be found in the whole country!"</p> + + <p>"That," returned the traveler, "is very interesting. I now + know whence the straw came that broke the camel's back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ARCHITECT (enthusiastically showing plans of + hotel)—"On the first floor, next to the dining-room, is + the ladies' smoking-room; over here is the men's writing-room; + here is the blue lecture-room where the suffrage meetings are + to be held; next to it is the pink tea-room. Directly over it, + on the second floor, is the music-room, where the Tuesday + recitals will be given; behind it is the little theater for the + Saturday tableaux. The ballroom is on the third floor, and on + the fourth—"</p> + + <p>HOTEL PROPRIETOR (interrupting)—"That's all very nice. + But where are the guests' rooms?"</p> + + <p>ARCHITECT—"Bless my soul! I forgot all about + them!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"John, dear," wrote a lady from the Capital, "I enclose the + hotel bill."</p> + + <p>"Dear Jane, I enclose a check," wrote John in reply; "but + please don't buy any more hotels at this price—they are + robbing you!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A traveler who alighted from the train in a small Southern + town was greeted by a colored porter, who shouted at him, + "Palace hotel, boss!" and grabbed the traveler's baggage, and + the latter said, "Wait a minute, Rastus. Is this hotel American + or European?" and Rastus replied, "I dunno, boss, but I thinks + they'se Irish."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Where's that hotel that used to advertise, 'All the + Comforts of Home for One Dollar'?"</p> + + <p>"Busted up. The hotel opposite put up a sign: 'None of the + Discomforts of Home for Two Dollars.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Miss Muffit had recently joined the "Band of Sisters for + Befriending Burglars" and was being shown over a prison for the + first time.</p> + + <p>One prisoner, evidently a man of education, interested her + more than the others. He rose and bowed to her when she entered + his cell, apologizing for the poorness of his apartment.</p> + + <p>Miss Muffit could not help wondering how this refined man + came within the clutches of the law. In fact, as she was + leaving his cell she said:</p> + + <p>"May I ask you why you are in this distressing place?"</p> + + <p>"Madam," he replied, "I am here for robbery at a seaside + hotel!"</p> + + <p>"How very interesting!" said Miss Muffit. "Were + you—er—the proprietor?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Would you like some views of the hotel to send to your + friends?"</p> + + <p>"Sir," said the disgruntled guest, "I presume it will be + better for me to keep my views to myself."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We will do our best, Mr. Sprawl, to make you feel at home + here," smiled the hotel clerk, who had acquired the idea that + it pays to be good and kind to all.</p> + + <p>"You needn't to mind, sir," replied Sanford Sprawl, of + Puxico. "That's just what I came away from home to get a change + from. What I want is to feel like I'm at a + hotel."</p><a name="H_0287" + id="H_0287"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HOUSING PROBLEM</h2> + + <p>After trying in vain for months to get a house, Brown set + out one day with a find-a-house-or-die look on his face. He + wandered about all day without being successful, till at last + his steps led him to the river.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" he said in utter despair, "how tempting it looks!" He + was almost inclined to plunge in and end it all.</p> + + <p>All of a sudden he heard a splash and, looking around, he + saw his friend Green struggling in the water. Without + attempting to save him he rushed off to the local house + agent.</p> + + <p>"Quick!" he gasped. "Green has fallen in the river. Can I + have his house?"</p> + + <p>"Sorry," said the house agent. "I've already let it to the + man who pushed him in."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The difficulty of finding a house is not exclusively an + eastern problem. Out in Kansas, for instance, a native observed + a stranger looking around and ventured to say, "Good morning, + sir, House hunting?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the stranger. "I wonder if it could have + blown this far."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE—"You are accused of speeding. What have you to + say in your defense?"</p> + + <p>PRISONER—"I heard of a house for rent and was trying + to get there first."</p> + + <p>"The case is dismissed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The taxi-driver turned at the end of the second hour and + eyed his client suspiciously.</p> + + <p>"Are you taking me by the hour or by the day?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"By the year," responded the haggard passenger. "I'm looking + for a home!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VISITOR—"What's that new building on the hill + yonder?"</p> + + <p>FARMER—"Well, if I find a tenant for it, it's a + bungalow; if I don't, it's a barn."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OWENS—"My landlord has ordered me out because I can't + pay my rent."</p> + + <p>BOWENS—"Glad I met you. So has mine. Let's change + quarters."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. MCNAB (after having his lease read over to him)—"I + will not sign that: I havena' been able tae keep Ten + Commandments for a mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' guan tae + tackle aboot a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Apartments.</p><a name="H_0288" + id="H_0288"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HUNGER</h2> + + <p>OLD LADY (to mendicant)—"But—my good man, your + story has such a hollow ring."</p> + + <p>"Yes, missis—that's the natural result of speaking + with an empty stummick."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Hunger is the teacher of the arts and the bestower of + invention.—<i>Persius</i>.</p><a name="H_0289" + id="H_0289"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HUNTING</h2> + + <p>As the camper was cleaning his gun, along came a + woodsman.</p> + + <p>"Been hunting today?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Shot anything?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know yet. I'm waiting for the rest of the party to + get into camp so we can call the roll."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST SIMPLE NIMROD—"Hey, don't shoot. Your gun isn't + loaded."</p> + + <p>HIS PARTNER—"Can't help that; the bird won't + wait."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The very small boy with the very large gun was standing in a + country road.</p> + + <p>"What are you hunting, bub?" asked a passer-by.</p> + + <p>"I dunno," he replied, frankly. "I ain't seen it + yet."</p><a name="H_0290" + id="H_0290"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HURRY</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Haste.</p><a name="H_0291" + id="H_0291"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HUSBANDS</h2> + + <p>To say of a man that he will make a good husband is much the + same sort of a compliment as to say of a horse that he is + perfectly safe for a woman to drive.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If you marry a widow it is safe to take one whose first + trial served a term in jail, then you won't have the perfect + example always held up before you.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mother," asked Tommy, "do fairy tales always begin with + 'Once upon a time'?"</p> + + <p>"No, dear, not always; they sometimes begin with 'My love, I + have been detained at the office tonight'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"William," snapped the dear lady, viciously, "didn't I hear + the clock strike two as you came in?" "You did, my dear. It + started to strike ten, but I stopped it to keep it from waking + you up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I hear you are going to marry Archie Blueblood?" said one + society woman to another. "Is it true?"</p> + + <p>"Marry him?" exclaimed the other. "Not likely. What on earth + could I do with him? He's rejected from the Army, he can't + ride, he can't play tennis, golf, nor, for that matter, can he + even drive a motor-car!"</p> + + <p>"Oh!" said the friend, "but he can swim beautifully, you + know."</p> + + <p>"Swim, indeed! Now, I ask you, would you like a husband you + had to keep in an aquarium?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To observe Washington's birthday, in a fitting manner, a + teacher in a Yonkers school told in detail the life of the + first President of the United States. She emphasized his + honesty, sincerity, bravery and self-reliance. At the close of + her discourse, she put this question to the class:</p> + + <p>"What high office in a nation could such a wonderful man + fill?"</p> + + <p>A flaxen-haired boy of ten, sitting in a rear seat, raised + his hand and blushingly replied: "He'd make a nice + husband."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How's your husband getting along, Mrs. Fogarty?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sometimes he's better an' sometimes he's worse, but + from the way he growls an' takes on whin he's better, Oi think + he's better whin he's worse."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SHE—"I wonder why men lie so?"</p> + + <p>HE—"Because their wives are so inquisitive."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HUBBY—"I don't believe in parading my virtues."</p> + + <p>WIFE—"You couldn't, anyway. It takes quite a number to + make a parade."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why do you feed every tramp who comes along? They never do + any work for you."</p> + + <p>"No," said his wife, "but it is quite a satisfaction to me + to see a man eat a meal without finding fault with the + cooking."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The husband arrived home much later than usual "from the + office." He took off his boots and stole into the bedroom. His + wife began to stir. Quickly the panic-stricken man went to the + cradle of his first-born and began to rock it vigorously.</p> + + <p>"What are you doing there, Robert?" queried his wife.</p> + + <p>"I've been sitting here for nearly two hours trying to get + this baby to sleep," he growled.</p> + + <p>"Why, Robert, I've got him here in bed with me," replied his + wife.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A teacher was trying to explain the dangers of overwork to + one of the smaller pupils.</p> + + <p>"Now, Tommy," she pursued, "if your father were busy all day + and said he would have to go back to the office at night, what + would he be doing?"</p> + + <p>"That's what ma wants to know."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"If I were to die you'd never get another husband + like me."</p> + + <p>SHE—"What makes you imagine I should ever want another + like you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. BLANK (to laundress)—"And how is your newly + married daughter getting on, Mrs. Brown?"</p> + + <p>MRS. BROWN—"Oh, nicely, thank you, ma'am. She finds + her husband a bit dull; but then, as I tells her, the good ones + are dull."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUNKMAN—"Any rags, paper, old iron to sell?"</p> + + <p>HEAD OF HOUSE (irately)—"No—go away—my + wife's away for the summer."</p> + + <p>JUNKMAN (smiling)—"Any empty bottles?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Situation: Buglar, caught red-handed, arraigned in + court</i></p> + + <p>WOMAN—"The sorce o' the feller! 'E pretended to be my + 'usband and called out, 'It's all right, darlin'—it's + only me.' It was the word 'darlin' wot give 'im + away."—<i>Punch (London)</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Henry," said his father-in-law, as he called his daughter's + spouse into the library and locked the door, "you have lived + with me now for over two years."</p> + + <p>"Yes, father."</p> + + <p>"In all that time I haven't asked you a penny for + board."</p> + + <p>"No, sir." (Wonderingly.)</p> + + <p>"In all your little family quarrels I have always taken your + part."</p> + + <p>"Always, sir."</p> + + <p>"I have even paid some of your bills."</p> + + <p>"A good many, father."</p> + + <p>"Then the small favor I am about to ask you will no doubt be + granted?"</p> + + <p>"Most certainly, sir."</p> + + <p>"Thanks. Then I want you to tell your mother-in-law that + those tickets for the supper-club dance which she picked up in + my room this morning must have accidentally fallen out of your + pocket, and we'll call it square!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One morning, Mollie, the colored maid, appeared before her + mistress, carrying, folded in a handkerchief, a five-dollar + gold piece and all her earthly possessions in the way of + jewelry.</p> + + <p>This package she proferred her mistress, with the request + that Miss Sallie take it for safe keeping.</p> + + <p>"Why, Mollie!" exclaimed the mistress in surprise. "Are you + going away?"</p> + + <p>"Naw'm, I ain' goin' nowheres," Mollie declared. "But me an' + Jim Harris we wuz married this mawnin'. Yas.'m, Jim, he's a new + nigger in town. You don' know nothin' 'bout him, Miss Sallie. I + don' know nothin' 'bout him myself he's er stranger to me."</p> + + <p>Miss Sallie glanced severely at the little package of + jewelry.</p> + + <p>"But, Mollie," she demanded, "don't you trust him?"</p> + + <p>"Yas'm," replied Mollie, unruffled. "Cose I trus' him, + personally—but not wid ma valuables."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is necessary to be almost a genius to make a good + husband.—<i>Balzac</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Jennie, the colored maid, arrived one morning with her head + swathed in bandages—the result of an argument with her + hot-tempered spouse.</p> + + <p>"Jennie," said her mistress, "your husband treats you + outrageously. Why don't you leave him?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I don' 'zactly wants to leave him."</p> + + <p>"Hasn't he dragged you the length of the room by your hair?" + demanded her mistress.</p> + + <p>"Yas'm he has done dat."</p> + + <p>"Hasn't he choked you into insensibility?"</p> + + <p>"Yas'm he sho has choked me."</p> + + <p>"And now doesn't he threaten to split your head with an + ax?"</p> + + <p>"Yas'm he has done all dat," agreed Jennie, "but he ain' + done nothin' yet so bad I couldn't live wid him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Carelessness; Domestic + finance.</p><a name="H_0292" + id="H_0292"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HYPOCRISY</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hypocrisy will serve as well</p> + + <p>To propagate a church, as zeal;</p> + + <p>As persecution and promotion</p> + + <p>Do equally advance devotion:</p> + + <p>So round white stones will serve, they say,</p> + + <p>As well as eggs to make hens lay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Samuel Butler</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There is no vice so simple, but assumes</p> + + <p>Some mark of virtue on his outward parts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus 'tis with all—their chief and constant + care</p> + + <p>Is to seem everything but what they are.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Goldsmith</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dare to be true. Nothing can need a + lie;</p> + + <p>A fault which needs it most grows two thereby.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Herbert</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0293" + id="H_0293"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>HYSTERICS</h2> + + <p>Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a + problem to his wife, begs his son to listen:</p> + + <p>FATHER—"Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you + five more, what would you have?"</p> + + <p>MOTHER (replying + absently)—"Hysterics."</p><a name="H_0294" + id="H_0294"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>"IF"</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Fords.</p><a name="H_0295" + id="H_0295"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IGNORANCE</h2> + + <p>A professor noted among his students for the caustic wit had + in one of his classes, one year, a young man who was both + ignorant and conceited. One morning he made a specially + self-satisfied display of both these characteristics, and the + professor said he would like to see him at the end of the + hour.</p> + + <p>When he came up after the lecture, the professor asked: "You + are Mr. Junkins?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir."</p> + + <p>"Have you a visiting card?"</p> + + <p>"I—I—yes, sir," stammered the puzzled + student.</p> + + <p>"Then, Mr. Junkins," the professor said dryly, "write down + on your visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me + tomorrow."</p><a name="H_0296" + id="H_0296"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS</h2> + + <p>Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a + college professor, who was noted for his concentration of + thought, was still pondering deeply on the subject that had + been under discussion. Upon entering his room he heard a noise + that appeared to come from under the bed.</p> + + <p>"Is there any one there?" he asked, absently.</p> + + <p>"No, professor," answered the intruder, knowing his + peculiarities.</p> + + <p>"That's strange," murmured the professor. "I was almost sure + I heard some one under the bed."</p><a name="H_0297" + id="H_0297"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IMITATION</h2> + + <p>Imitation is a confession of limitation.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Imitation is the sincerest of + flattery.—<i>Colton</i>.</p><a name="H_0298" + id="H_0298"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IMMIGRANTS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Board of health.</p><a name="H_0299" + id="H_0299"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IMPUDENCE</h2> + + <p><i>Put in the Bill</i></p> + + <p>When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with + the hotel accommodations that he gave the landlord a severe + call-down. Said he: "Of all the hotels under the shining sun, I + have never been in one that for unmitigated, all-round, + unendurable discomfort could equal yours."</p> + + <p>After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, + Kipling asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last + item was, "To impudence—three dollars."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He that has but impudence,</p> + + <p>To all things has a fair pretence;</p> + + <p>And puts among his wants but shame,</p> + + <p>To all the world may lay his claim.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Butler</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>There is no better provision for life than impudence and a + brazen face.—<i>Menander</i>.</p><a name="H_0300" + id="H_0300"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INCOME TAX</h2> + + <p>We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern.</p> + + <p>"Still looking for an honest man?" we asked.</p> + + <p>He shook his head mournfully.</p> + + <p>"No. I gave that up long ago. I wish I'd stuck to it. It + wasn't half so hopeless as what I'm doing now."</p> + + <p>He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to + him.</p> + + <p>"What are you looking for now, then?" we asked.</p> + + <p>He sighed. "I'm looking for a congressman who made out his + income tax without anybody's help."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>We don't know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but + we are certain that he stole his style either from Robert + Browning or Henry James.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Income Tax Tips</i><br /> + (<i>All replies to questions in this column given free of + tax.</i>)</p> + + <p>PUZZLED—Don't be bluffed. Simply put all extra leaves + in dining-room table, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, + and throw it flat on its back. When you have it down brand it + on first page with hot ink.</p> + + <p>C.H.—Yes, algebra may be used in figuring your return. + Personally we employ trigonometry, altho many prefer calculus + and a couple of lawyers.</p> + + <p>TAXPAYER—Your problem is as clear as a Chinese + laundryticket. Simply deduct the net profit of losses (plus + inventories at end of year) and add income from salaries, + wages, bonuses, director's fees, and pensions. Nothing to + it!</p> + + <p>J.J.C.—Refer to Table 113 on Page 11, Section 28, Part + IV of return. Then if Item 86, Schedule V, line 7, exceeds the + sum stated in Item 21, Page 9, Schedule Z, get another blank + form.</p> + + <p>CONFUSED—No, you should have figured the amounts in + Items 34, 60, and 69 as net losses from Wear and Tear, + Obsolescense and Depletion Charged Off (see K (2) on Page 8 of + Instructions) before entering total in Item 94, Schedule O. + It's perfectly simple.</p> + + <p>L.F.—Don't worry about your next year's tax. You may + not have any income.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Profiteers.</p><a name="H_0301" + id="H_0301"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INDUSTRY</h2> + + <p>Andrew Carnegie was once asked which he considered to be the + most important factor in industry—labor, capital, or + brains? The canny Scot replied with a merry twinkle in his eye, + "Which is the most important leg of a three-legged stool?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Industry is not only the instrument of improvement, but the + foundation of pleasure. He who is a stranger to it may possess, + but cannot enjoy; for it is labor only which gives relish to + pleasure. It is the appointed vehicle of every good to man. It + is the indispensable condition of possessing a sound mind in a + sound body.—<i>Blair</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Protected industry, careering far,</p> + + <p>Detects the cause and cures the rage of war,</p> + + <p>And sweeps, with forceful arm; to their last + graves,</p> + + <p>Kings from the earth and pirates from the waves.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Joel Barlow</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In every rank, or great or small,</p> + + <p>'Tis industry supports us all.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Gay</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The great end of all human industry is the attainment of + happiness.—<i>Hume</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"From what you tell me, Sam, you have been a busy man all + your life."</p> + + <p>"Yes, sah; yes, sah."</p> + + <p>"You've done a great deal in your time and day, Sam, I + guess."</p> + + <p>"Yes, sah. Dat is, I's done a good lot in mah day, but it + was in de boss's time, sah."</p><a name="H_0302" + id="H_0302"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INFANTS</h2> + + <p>A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, + bank-roll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past + forgotten, and the future worth living for.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed very + critically. "Why, he's got no hair, father," was his first + remark. The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father," + was the next comment. The circumstances could not be denied. "I + tell you what, father," was the final observation, "you've been + swindled; he's an old one."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE VISITOR—"Does your new baby brother cry much, + Ethel?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE ETHEL—"He cries when you stick pins in him or + make faces at him or bounce him up and down. But what can you + expect? He's too little to swear."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Maggie had a new baby brother, which everybody agreed was + such a baby as had never been seen before. One day the baby was + being weighed, and Maggie asked what that was for.</p> + + <p>"Oh," said her father, "Uncle George has taken a great fancy + to baby, and he's offered to buy him for a shilling an + ounce."</p> + + <p>Maggie looked startled. "You're not going to sell him, are + you, daddy?"</p> + + <p>"Of course not, precious," answered daddy, proud to see his + little girl loved her brother so.</p> + + <p>"No. Keep him till he gets a bit bigger," the child went on; + "he'll fetch more money then."</p><a name="H_0303" + id="H_0303"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INFLUENZA</h2> + + <p>A hospital doctor writes in the Ontario Post that one of his + patients had had the flu. He was seen walking around wearily. + When he was asked what was wrong, he said: "Ah done had de + Spanish flu." "That so?" he was asked; "what is the Spanish flu + like, Sam?" "The flu?" said Sam; "don't you all know what de + flu is? Why, it's a disease dat makes you sick six months after + you gets well."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Were you very sick with the 'flu,' Rastus?"</p> + + <p>"Sick, sick! Man, Ah was so sick mos' ebery night Ah look in + dat er casualty list for mah name."</p><a name="H_0304" + id="H_0304"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INHERITANCE</h2> + + <p>During the battle of Paschendaele a seriously wounded Gordon + Highlander was brought into one of the Canadian dressing + stations. The surgeon noticed he was wearing a fine gold wrist + watch. "Where did you get that, Scotty?" he asked.</p> + + <p>Scotty merely smiled at the time, but, on being told that + the chances were against him, he later confided the story to + the doctor.</p> + + <p>"I took a Heine prisoner who was wearin' yon watch. 'Wull ye + gie me it?' I eskit him. He shookit his heed. I eskit him the + second time. He shookit his heed again. 'For the third and last + time, as a gentlemaun,' I sez, 'will ye gie me thot watch?' + Heine shookit his head."</p> + + <p>"But you got it?"</p> + + <p>"Weel efter thot I simply inherited it."</p><a name="H_0305" + id="H_0305"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INITIATIVE</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Not Self-Starters</i></p> + + <p>FIRST CITIZEN—"You can't stop a man from + thinking!"</p> + + <p>SECOND DITTO—"No, but the difficulty is to start + him!"</p><a name="H_0306" + id="H_0306"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INSOMNIA</h2> + + <p>BARK—"So you have been cured of your insomnia? It must + be an immense relief."</p> + + <p>CARR—"You've said it. Why, I lie awake half the night + thinking how I used to suffer from it."</p><a name="H_0307" + id="H_0307"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INSTALMENT PLAN</h2> + + <p>"I wonder will Smithers always allude to his wife so + lovingly as 'my own'?"</p> + + <p>"Well, she is his own. Everything else in his home he is + paying for on the instalment plan."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LADY VISITOR—"Oh, Tommy, you have a nice new + suit!"</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"Yes, I think the man pa bought it from is sorry + he sold it. He's always calling."</p><a name="H_0308" + id="H_0308"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INSURANCE, FIRE</h2> + + <p>THE MAN OF LAW—"But, my dear madam, there is no + insurance money for you to draw. Your late husband never + insured his life; he only had a policy against fire."</p> + + <p>THE WONDERFUL WIDOW—"Precisely. That is the very + reason I had him cremated!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A woman, wearing an anxious expression, called at an + insurance office one morning.</p> + + <p>"I understand," she said, "that for five dollars I can + insure my house for a thousand dollars."</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the agent, "that is right."</p> + + <p>"And," continued the woman anxiously, "do you make any + inquiries as to the origin of the fire?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly," was the prompt reply.</p> + + <p>"Oh!" and she turned to leave the office, "I thought there + was a catch in it somewhere."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I say, Jones, I want to insure my coal-yards against fire. + What would a policy for $20,000 cost?"</p> + + <p>"What coal is it? Same kind as you sent me last?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"I wouldn't bother insuring it if I were you. It won't + burn."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When the agent brought Mrs. Tarley her fire-insurance policy + he remarked that it would be well for her to make her first + payment at once.</p> + + <p>"How much will it be?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"About $100. Wait a minute and I'll find the exact + amount."</p> + + <p>"Oh, how tiresome!" she exclaimed. "Tell the company to let + it stand and deduct it from what they will owe me when the + house burns down."</p><a name="H_0309" + id="H_0309"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INSURANCE, LIFE</h2> + + <p>"I wish you would tell me," said the agent, who had been a + long time on Mr. Snaggs' trail, "what is your objection to + having your life insured?"</p> + + <p>"Well, I don't mind telling you," replied Snaggs. "The idea + of being more valuable dead than alive is distasteful to + me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's the matter, old man? You look worried."</p> + + <p>"Well, to be honest with you, I am. You know, I took out + some life insurance last Thursday."</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the sympathetic friend, "but what has that to + do with the wobegone expression on your face?"</p> + + <p>"Well, the very next day after I had it written my wife + bought a new cook-book. Possibly it's all right, but it + certainly looks suspicious."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. MANLEY—"Well, my dear, I've had my life insured + for five thousand dollars."</p> + + <p>MRS. MANLEY—"How very sensible of you! Now I sha'n't + have to keep telling you to be so careful every place you + go."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How much life insurance do you think a man ought to + carry?"</p> + + <p>"Enough to keep his family from want, but not so much as to + make them utterly impervious to grief."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HEWITT—"My wife is a cheerful sort of companion."</p> + + <p>JEWETT—"How is that?"</p> + + <p>HEWITT—"I told her that I had taken out a twenty-year + endowment on my life, and she said, that she hoped I wouldn't + mature before the policy did."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two insurance agents—a Yankee and an + Englishman—were bragging about their rival methods. The + Britisher was holding forth on the system of prompt payment + carried out by his people—no trouble, no fuss, no attempt + to wriggle out of settlement.</p> + + <p>"If the man died tonight," he continued, "his widow would + receive her money by the first post tomorrow morning."</p> + + <p>"You don't say?" drawled the Yankee. "See here, now, you + talk of prompt payment! Waal, our office is on the third floor + of a building forty-nine stories high. One of our clients lived + in that forty-ninth story, and he fell out of the window. We + handed him his check as he passed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A colored recruit said he intended to take out the full + limit of Government insurance, $10,000. On being told by a + fellow soldier that he would be foolish to pay on so much when + he was likely to be shot in the trenches, he replied: "Huh! I + reckon I knows what I's doin.' You-all don't s'pose Uncle Sam + is gwine to put a $10,000 man in the first-line trenches, do + you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Salesmen and + salesmanship.</p><a name="H_0310" + id="H_0310"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INTERVIEWS</h2> + + <p>A Boston business man has the following schedule of time for + interviews hung over his desk:</p> + + <p>Book agents—three seconds.</p> + + <p>Unclassified bores—thirty ditto.</p> + + <p>Golf associates—one hour.</p> + + <p>Friends to make a touch (It takes time to explain why you + are broke)—five minutes.</p> + + <p>People to pay bills—no limit.</p> + + <p>Employees wanting increase of salary—one minute.</p> + + <p>My wife—never too busy.</p> + + <p>Poor relations—always out.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An answer to the query why some United States Employment + Service examiners go mad might be found in the following + questionnaire filled out by an applicant applying to the + Service for employment:</p> + + <p>Q. Born? A. Yes; once.</p> + + <p>Q. Nativity? A. Baptist.</p> + + <p>Q. Married or single? A. Have been both.</p> + + <p>Q. Parents alive yet? A. Not yet.</p> + + <p>Q. Hair? A. Thin.</p> + + <p>Q. Voice? A. Weak.</p> + + <p>Q. Healthy? A. Sometimes.</p> + + <p>Q. Previous experience? A. No.</p> + + <p>Q. Where? A. Different places.</p> + + <p>Q. Business? A. Rotten.</p> + + <p>Q. Salary expected? A. More.</p> + + <p>Q. Drink? A. Not in dry states.</p> + + <p>Q. Why do you want job? A. Wife won't work any + more.</p><a name="H_0311" + id="H_0311"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>INVESTMENTS</h2> + + <p>SMITH—"I see stocks took a drop."</p> + + <p>JONES—"Took a drop? I should say they took the whole + bottle."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>No one should have to coax you into any investment. It + either looks good to you or it doesn't. You either want it or + you don't. But be sure you are influenced by facts alone.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Goodness is the only investment that never + fails."—<i>Thoreau</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Time is money," said Uncle Eben; "but jes' the same, de man + dat finds himself wif a lot o' time on his hands has made a + poor investment."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Sir, this is a golden opportunity! Small investment, no + risk, and enormous returns absolutely sure."</p> + + <p>"Then I wouldn't have the heart to deprive you of + it."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE SUITOR—"I hope, sir, that you will consider me in + the nature of an investment, even if I may not pay regular + dividends."</p> + + <p>THE GIRL'S FATHER—"My dear boy, don't talk of + dividends. I shall be glad if you don't levy regular + assessments on me."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TOMMY—"Father, what's the future of the verb + 'invest'?"</p> + + <p>FATHER (a + Congressman)—"Investigation."</p><a name="H_0312" + id="H_0312"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IRELAND</h2> + + <p>We have all heard of the "far flung" British Empire. The + only trouble with it is that Ireland was not flung far + enough.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Did you go to the fight last night?"</p> + + <p>"No, I went to hear the lecture on Ireland."</p> + + <p>"Oh—who won?"</p><a name="H_0313" + id="H_0313"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IRISH BULLS</h2> + + <p>PAT—"After all, it's a great pleasure to be missed by + someone."</p> + + <p>MIKE—"Shure it is, Pat; if yez can be there t' enjy + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At Camp Grant there is an Irish sergeant who is quick + tempered. One day when he was trying to drill a squad of raw + recruits he suddenly became angry and exclaimed: "Halt! Just + come over here, all of ye, and look at yourselves! It's a fine + line ye're keeping, isn't it?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pat, what's that piece of blank paper you have in your + hand?" asked one Irishman of another.</p> + + <p>"Oh, that's a letter from my wife."</p> + + <p>"How do you mean a letter from your wife? Sure, there's no + writing on it."</p> + + <p>"Of course not. The missus and myself are not on speaking + terms."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>O'HOULIHAN—"Pwhut's a pessimist, Mike?"</p> + + <p>MULDOON—"He's a feller pwhat burns his bridges behind + him an' thin crosses thim before he comes to thim."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mrs. Flanagan," said the Landlord, "I've decided to raise + your rent."</p> + + <p>"Ah, now," beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye + certinly are. I wor wonderin' how I cud raise it meself, + sur."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BLONDINE—"Isn't Bennie Beanbrough the thick one?"</p> + + <p>BRUNETTA—"He is all of that."</p> + + <p>"I said to him 'every time I open my mouth I put my foot in + it—'"</p> + + <p>"Uh huh!"</p> + + <p>"And right away the poor fish looked down at my feet."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman who is noted for his wit went into a + public-house the other day and called for a glass of beer. The + tumbler was not full enough for Pat's satisfaction, so he + quietly asked the publican how many barrels of beer he sold in + a week.</p> + + <p>"Ten," replied the publican.</p> + + <p>"I think," replied Pat, "if yer stand me a pint I could put + yez on a plan to sell eleven barrels a week."</p> + + <p>"Agreed," said the landlord, handing him a pint. "How now am + I to do it?"</p> + + <p>Pat, taking a big drink at his new pint, "Always fill your + glasses."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman who was rather too fond of strong drink was + asked by the parish priest:</p> + + <p>"My son, how do you expect to get into Heaven?"</p> + + <p>The Irishman replied:</p> + + <p>"Shure, and that's aisy! When I get to the gates of Heaven + I'll open the door and shut the door, and open the door and + shut the door, an' keep on doing that till St. Peter gets + impatient and says, 'For goodness' sake, Mike, either come in + or stay out!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode + Island had been appointed he went down into one of the southern + counties to sit for a week. He was well satisfied with + himself.</p> + + <p>"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he + was stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"</p> + + <p>"Two years, sir," she said.</p> + + <p>"Do you like it?"</p> + + <p>"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.</p> + + <p>"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges + in this country, which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home + you would never be in a room with a justice of the supreme + court, and chatting familiarly with him."</p> + + <p>"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never + be a judge at home."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Sure, Oi'll write me name on the back o' your note, + guaranteein' ye'll pay ut," said Pat, smiling pleasantly as he + indorsed Billup's note, "but Oi know doomed well ye won't pay + ut. We'll have a laugh at th' ixpinse of the + bank."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PAT—"This is the foist time inny of these corporations + hev done innything to binnefit the workingman."</p> + + <p>MIKE—"How is that, Pat?"</p> + + <p>PAT—"It is this siven-cint fare. I hev bin walkin' to + and from me work and savin' tin cints, and now I kin save + fourteen cints."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman asked at the railway station for a ticket to + Philadelphia.</p> + + <p>"Do you want a ticket one way or one that will take you + there and back?"</p> + + <p>The Irishman looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then + said: "What the devil do I want a ticket there an' back for + when I'm here already?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irish mother reproving her son exclaimed, "I just wish + that your father was at home some evening to see how you behave + yourself when he is out!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A tourist reports seeing the following police regulation + posted up in Ireland:</p> + + <p>"Until further notice every vehicle must carry a light when + darkness begins. Darkness begins when the lights are + lit."</p><a name="H_0314" + id="H_0314"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>IRISHMEN</h2> + + <p>"'Tis easy to see," said the tourist to Paddy, who was + driving him around, "that your parents came from Ireland."</p> + + <p>"No, sir, they did not," replied Paddy.</p> + + <p>"What! Do you mean to say your parents did not come from + Ireland?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir; you are mistaken," replied Paddy; "they're there + yit."—<i>The Nation</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A zealous excise officer was sent to Ireland to try to + locate several "moonshine" stills which were known to + exist.</p> + + <p>Meeting a native the excise officer approached Pat, + saying:</p> + + <p>"I'll give you five shillings, Pat, if you can take me to a + private still."</p> + + <p>"Troth, an' I will sir," was Pat's reply, as he pocketed the + money. "Come with me."</p> + + <p>For many weary miles over mountain, bog, and moor they + tramped, until they came into view of a barracks. Pointing to a + soldier seated on a step inside the square, Pat said:</p> + + <p>"There you are, sir, my brother Mike; he's been a soldier + for ten years, an' he's a private still."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked him: + "What would you be were you not a Scot?"</p> + + <p>The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!"</p> + + <p>Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and + asked him: "And what would you be were you not an + Irishman?"</p> + + <p>The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of + meself!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two sailors, an Irishman and a Scotchman, could never agree, + and the rest of the crew had become adepts in starting them on + an argument. One day "patron saints" was the subject, of which + the Scotchman knew nothing and the Irishman just a little.</p> + + <p>"Who was the patron saint of Ireland?" said Jock.</p> + + <p>"Do you mean to say you don't know?" said Pat. "Why, the + holy St. Patrick."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Jock in deliberate tones, "hang your St. + Patrick."</p> + + <p>In a towering rage the Irishman hesitated a second while he + thought of something equally offensive, and then burst out + with, "And hang your Harry Lauder!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PAT—"Yis, sorr, wur-rk is scarce, but Oi got a job + last Sunday that brought me foive dollars."</p> + + <p>MR. GOODMAN—"What! you broke the Sabbath?"</p> + + <p>PAT (apologetically)—"Well, sorr, 'twas wan av us had + t' be broke."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman employed in a large factory had taken a day off + without permission and seemed likely to lose his job in + consequence. When asked by his foreman the next day why he had + not turned up the day before, he replied:</p> + + <p>"I was so ill, sir, that I could not come to work to save me + life."</p> + + <p>"How was it, then, Pat, that I saw you pass the factory on + your bicycle during the morning?" asked the foreman.</p> + + <p>Pat was slightly taken aback, then regaining his presence of + mind, he replied:</p> + + <p>"Sure, sir, that must have been when I was going for the + doctor."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A college graduate was walking down the street one evening + with a friend of Irish descent, and, pausing to look up at the + starry sky, remarked with enthusiasm:</p> + + <p>"How bright Orion is tonight!"</p> + + <p>"So that is O'Ryan, is it?" replied Pat. "Well, thank the + Lord, there's one Irishman in heaven, anyhow!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>After Patsy Hogan had left Dublin for the country, and + rented a cottage with a small backyard, he returned to town and + purchased a monkey. Not a word of his scheme would he disclose + to his old cronies.</p> + + <p>But afterwards he explained. "'Twas like this: I chained the + monkey to a stick in me yard, and the coal thrains were passin' + all day, and on iv'ry thrain there was a stoker. In one week I + had two tons of coal in me cellar, and the monkey was never + wanst hit!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Irish bulls.</p><a name="H_0315" + id="H_0315"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JEWS</h2> + + <p>Pat, answering questions in applying for a job as keeper of + the pound, came to the query, "What are rabies and what would + you do for them?"</p> + + <p>He replied, "Rabies is Jew priests and I wouldn't do a damn + thing for them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Israel Paletzky sold and delivered fresh eggs to a near-by + soda dispenser. One day he brought in two dozen eggs in + response to an order. Upon counting them, the proprietor of the + soda fountain discovered there was an extra egg and offered it + back to the aged Jew.</p> + + <p>"Oh, dot's all right!" said old Israel. "Neffer mind for + chust von egg."</p> + + <p>"Well, Izzy, have a drink then."</p> + + <p>"All right. I take it a malted milk mit egg."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To the great God Buddha came the representatives of the + Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish religions, to pay him homage. + Buddha, very flattered, told each of them that if they would + express a wish, it would be fulfilled.</p> + + <p>"What do you wish?" he asked the Catholic.</p> + + <p>The answer was "Glory."</p> + + <p>"You shall have it," said Buddha, and turning to the + Protestant, "What do you wish?"</p> + + <p>"Money."</p> + + <p>"You shall have it."</p> + + <p>"And you?" This to the Jew.</p> + + <p>"I do not want much," quoth he; "give me the Protestant's + address!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Father Duffy is credited by the New York World with this + after-dinner story:</p> + + <p>"An old sexton asked me, 'Father, weren't the Apostles + Jews?' I said they were. Puzzled, he demanded: 'Then how the + deuce did the Jews let go of a good thing like the Catholic + Church and let the Eytalians grab it?'"—<i>The + Outlook</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In the latest number of the Unpartizan Review Henry Holt + tells the following anecdote as used by John Hay:</p> + + <p>"Two Jews," he said, "were rescued from a raft by a + Cunarder. Both were pretty well used up, when one saw the + vessel and murmured, 'A sail, a sail!' The other who was + stretched on the raft revived long enough to exclaim, 'Mein + Gott! I haf no gatalog!'"</p><a name="H_0316" + id="H_0316"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JOKES</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Life of a Joke</i></p> + + <p>1—Appears in LIFE.</p> + + <p>2—Copied in newspaper.</p> + + <p>3—Used in almanac.</p> + + <p>4—Filler on theater program.</p> + + <p>5—Furnishes a laugh in vaudeville.</p> + + <p>6—After-dinner speaker tells it.</p> + + <p>7—Translated in foreign papers.</p> + + <p>8—Retranslated back. Goes rounds of American papers + once more.</p> + + <p>9—Sent to LIFE as original.—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pop, what do we mean by a good listener?"</p> + + <p>"A good listener, my son, is a man to whom it is possible to + tell a funny story without reminding him of one of his + own."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE—"You are charged with profanity."</p> + + <p>PRISONER—"How can that be, your honor, when I was + arrested for getting rid of it?"</p> + + <p>JUDGE—"Ten days for swearing. Thirty days for that + joke."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>POST—"Scribbler says if you can judge of the future by + the past, his work will live for thousands of years."</p> + + <p>PARKER—"Let's see. Just what does Scribbler + write?"</p> + + <p>POST—"Jokes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. LESSNER—"Do you think it's true that poor Lydia + hasn't smiled since her marriage?"</p> + + <p>MRS. SHORTWELL—"I think it's very likely. You know her + husband is a professional humorist."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The good die young was never said of a joke.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Why are jokes preceded by the so-called title, which is + virtually the conclusion, or what Twain termed the "nub"? The + understanding of it implies the reading of the joke first, and + yet it is hung at the very beginning in heavy type, demanding + immediate attention. The reader learns rapidly, however, and + will not be fooled. Nine times out of ten he will skip the + title, complete the article, and then, from habit, + unconsciously glance back for the grin in the title, Where the + Point Lies.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was a portly but very polite person who sat next to Jones + in a railway station. "Pardon me," said he to Jones, "but what + would you say if I sat on your hat?" "Suppose you sit on it and + then ask me," sarcastically suggested Jones. "I did," said the + portly person, imperturbably.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It must be gratifying to see your jokes copied + everywhere."</p> + + <p>"What gratifies me most," said the professional humorist, + "is that somebody is willing to buy 'em in the first + place."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>William George Jordan, the educator and writer, uses a + crutch. One day, after he had negotiated several blocks, he + paused to mop his brow. While mopping with one hand he held his + hat in the other and a kindhearted but near-sighted passerby + dropped a coin in the hat. "Hey!" said Jordan, "it's legs I + want—not alms."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Old Fashioned Fun</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When that old joke was new,</p> + + <p class="i2">It was not hard to joke,</p> + + <p>And puns we now pooh-pooh,</p> + + <p class="i2">Great laughter would provoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True wit was seldom heard,</p> + + <p class="i2">And humor shown by few,</p> + + <p>When reign'd King George the Third,</p> + + <p class="i2">And that old joke was new.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It passed indeed for wit,</p> + + <p class="i2">Did this achievement rare,</p> + + <p>When down your friend would sit,</p> + + <p class="i2">To steal away his chair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You brought him to the floor,</p> + + <p class="i2">You bruised him black and blue,</p> + + <p>And this would cause a roar,</p> + + <p class="i2">When your old joke was new.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>W.M. Thackeray</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0317" + id="H_0317"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JOURNALISM</h2> + + <p>"I represent The Daily Scoop, At what time did his lordship + die?"</p> + + <p>"His Lordship is not yet dead."</p> + + <p>"Oh, isn't he? Well, then I'll wait."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST WAR-CORRESPONDENT—"Did your dispatch get past + the censor?"</p> + + <p>SECOND WAR-CORRESPONDENT—"Only the part that wasn't + true."</p> + + <p>"Well, isn't that all your paper wants?"—Life.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Getting out a daily column is no picnic," confesses a daily + getter-out in the Niles Sun-Star. "If we print jokes, folks say + we are silly—if we don't, they say we are too serious. If + we publish original matter, they say we lack variety; if we + publish things from other papers, they say we are too lazy to + write. If we stay in the office, we ought to be out rustling + news; if we rustle for news, we are not attending to business + in the office. If we wear old clothes, we are insolvents; if we + wear new clothes, they are not paid for. What in thunder is a + poor editor to do anyhow? Like as not someone will say we + swiped this from an exchange. We did."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Newspapers.</p><a name="H_0318" + id="H_0318"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JUDGES</h2> + + <p>Judge Ben B. Lindsey of Denver, was lunching one + day—it was a very hot day—when a politician paused + beside his table "Judge," said he, "I see you're drinking + coffee. That's a heating drink. In this weather you want to + drink iced drinks, Judge—sharp iced drinks. Did you ever + try gin and ginger ale?"</p> + + <p>"No," said the Judge, smiling, "but I have tried several + fellows who have."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his + courtroom is in New Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a + defendant who, hoping for leniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down + and out."</p> + + <p>Whereupon said the wise Judge:</p> + + <p>"You're down, but you're not out. Six months."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The late Gilman Marston, of New Hampshire, was arguing a + complicated case, and looked up authorities back to Julius + Caesar. At the end of an hour and a half, in the most intricate + part of his plea, he was pained to see what looked like + inattention. It was as he had feared. The judge was unable to + appreciate the nice points of his argument.</p> + + <p>"Your Honor," he said, "I beg your pardon; but do you follow + me?"</p> + + <p>"I have so far," answered the judge, shifting wearily about + in his chair, "but I'll say frankly that if I thought I could + find my way back, I'd quit right here."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Lawyers.</p><a name="H_0319" + id="H_0319"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JUDGMENT</h2> + + <p>Two San Francisco negroes were discussing the possibilities + of being drafted.</p> + + <p>"'Tain't gwine do 'em any good to pick on me," said Lemuel, + sulkily. "Ah certainly ain't gwine do any fightin'. Ah ain't + lost nothin' oveh in France. Ah ain't got any quarrel with + anybody, and Uncle Sam kain't make me fight."</p> + + <p>Jim pondered over this statement for a moment.</p> + + <p>"You' right," he said at length. "Uncle Sam kain't make you + fight. But he can take you where de fightin' is, and after that + you kin use you' own judgment."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis with our judgments as our watches; none</p> + + <p>Go just alike, yet each believes his own.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How little do they see what is, who frame</p> + + <p>Their hasty judgment upon that which seems.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Southey</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="drama"> + <p>Judgment is forced upon us by experience.</p> + + <p class="i32">—<i>Johnson</i>.</p> + </div><a name="H_0320" + id="H_0320"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JURY</h2> + + <p>Fresh from Boston, the lawyer in the frontier town had just + finished a glowing summing up for the defense. There ensued a + long pause, and the Easterner turned in some embarrassment to + the judge.</p> + + <p>"Your Honor," he asked, "will you charge the jury?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, I guess not," answered the judge benignantly.</p> + + <p>"They ain't got much anyway, so I let them keep all they can + make on the side."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The jury filed into the jury-box, and after the twelve seats + were filled there still remained one juror standing + outside.</p> + + <p>"If the Court please," said the Clerk, "they have made a + mistake and sent us thirteen jurors instead of twelve. What do + you want to do with this extra one?"</p> + + <p>"What is your name?" asked the judge of the extra man.</p> + + <p>"Joseph A. Braines," he replied.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Clerk," said the judge, "take this man back to the jury + commissioners and tell them we don't need him as we already + have twelve men without Braines."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A suit for damages was being tried not long ago in one of + the divisions of a Southern city court. A country lad, + seventeen or eighteen years of age, was put on the stand to + testify. He gave his testimony in so low a tone that the judge, + pointing to the jury, said to him:</p> + + <p>"Speak so that these gentlemen can hear you."</p> + + <p>"Why," said the witness, with a beaming smile, "are these + men interested in the case, too?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Judge, Your Honor," cried the prisoner at the bar, "have I + got to be tried by a lady jury?"</p> + + <p>"Be still!" whispered his attorney.</p> + + <p>"I won't be still! Judge, I can't even fool my own wife, let + alone twelve strange women. I'm guilty!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In western Georgia a jury recently met to inquire into a + case of suicide. After sitting through the evidence, the twelve + men retired, and, after deliberating, returned with the + following verdict:</p> + + <p>"The jury are all of one mind—temporarily insane."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE JUDGE (to jury, who have retired several times without + agreeing)—"I understand that one juryman prevents your + coming to a verdict. In my summing up I have clearly stated the + law, and any juryman who obstinately sets his individual + opinion against the remaining eleven is totally unfitted for + his duties."</p> + + <p>THE SOLITARY OBJECTOR—"Please, m'lud, I'm the only man + who agrees with you!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>A Time Exposure</i></p> + + <p>A judge's little daughter, who had attended her father's + court for the first time, was very much interested in the + proceedings. After her return home she told her mother:</p> + + <p>"Papa made a speech, and several other men made speeches to + twelve men who sat all together, and then these twelve men were + put in a dark room to be developed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During an address to a body of law students ex-President + Taft pointed out that too much care cannot be taken in the + selection of the jury. In this connection he told of an + intelligent-looking farmer who had been examined by both + defense and prosecution and was about to be accepted, when the + prosecutor chanced to ask:</p> + + <p>"Do you believe in capital punishment?"</p> + + <p>The farmer hemmed and hawed and after a moment's reflection + replied:</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir, I do, if it ain't too severe."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE COURT—"Considering that you are the wife of the + prisoner, do you think you are qualified to act as a juror in + this case?"</p> + + <p>THE LADY—"Well, your honor, if you will only give me a + chance, I think I can convince the eleven other jurors that + he's guilty."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A tailor who had been wrongfully accused of murder, and who + had an excellent defense, seemed very dejected when brought up + for trial.</p> + + <p>"What's the trouble?" whispered the counsel, observing his + client's distress as he surveyed the jurymen.</p> + + <p>"It looks very bad for me," said the defendant, "unless some + steps are taken to dismiss that jury and get in a new lot. + There isn't a man among them but owes me money for + clothes."</p><a name="H_0321" + id="H_0321"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>JUSTICE</h2> + + <p>There is no virtue so truly great and Godlike as + justice.—<i>Addison</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Sunday-school teacher had been telling her class of little + boys about crowns of glory and heavenly rewards for good + people.</p> + + <p>"Now, tell me," she said, at the close of the lesson, "who + will get the biggest crown?"</p> + + <p>There was silence for a minute or two, then a bright little + chap piped out:</p> + + <p>"Him wot's got t' biggest 'ead."</p><a name="H_0322" + id="H_0322"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>KINDNESS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I think I know what kindness is tonight.</p> + + <p>It is a woman standing by a light.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is a smile when life seems mostly grim.</p> + + <p>It is a hope when hope has grown quite slim.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is a hand that's gentle, firm and cool.</p> + + <p>It is calm sense when you think like a fool.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is a word of cheer when cheer is gone.</p> + + <p>It is a lowered blind at garish dawn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is a steady presence all the day</p> + + <p>That pushes lagging, dragging hours away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I think I know what kindness is tonight.</p> + + <p>It is a woman standing by a light.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Joseph Andrew Galahad</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The Red-Cross idea that children should be encouraged to + breed white mice in order that they might be handed over to + doctors for the purpose of medical research, and which + recommended these white mice, particularly, on the grounds that + they so endeared themselves to the children, can only be + paralleled by a story General Baden-Powell once told at a Boy + Scout meeting. There was a boy, he related, who went to bed one + night without having done his "kind act." Just as he was + beginning to feel rather miserable about it, he heard a mouse + in a trap in the room.</p> + + <p>"What do you think he did?" asked the General, and the + audience promptly replied:</p> + + <p>"Let it out."</p> + + <p>"Not at all," replied the General; "he hadn't done his kind + act: he thought of the cat."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Kindness is wisdom. There is none in life</p> + + <p>But needs it and may learn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Bailey</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Beauty lives with + kindness.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p><a name="H_0323" + id="H_0323"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>KINGS AND RULERS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Kings and Emperors</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Kings and Emperors shall pass</p> + + <p>Like the sands within the glass.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>See them passing even now,</p> + + <p>Shorn of power, and bent of brow!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Purblind they who saw not Fate</p> + + <p>Standing by the palace gate;</p> + + <p>Deaf were they, and their reward</p> + + <p>Is the Justice of the Lord!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Clinton Scollard</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SAM—"Who was the first Kaiser?"</p> + + <p>BULL—"How do I know? Ask me something easy."</p> + + <p>SAM—"Something easy?"</p> + + <p>BULL—"Yes; ask me who's the last."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Kaiser said, "What shameful fears</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm now compelled to feel;</p> + + <p>I stacked the cards for thirty years</p> + + <p class="i2">And then mussed up the deal!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Can you tell me," said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, + under examination at Union Hill, N.J., as to his qualifications + for citizenship, "the difference between the powers and + prerogatives of the King of England and those of the President + of the United States?"</p> + + <p>"Yezzir," spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. "King, he got steady + job."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In the English royal library at Windsor, in the center of + the magazine table, there is a large album of pictures of many + eminent and popular men and women of the day. This book is + divided into sections—a section for each calling or + profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, in looking through + the book, came across the pages devoted to the pictures of the + rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed among these + was a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt.</p> + + <p>"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the + Colonel's picture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't + he?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a + great and good man. In some respects I look upon him as a + genius."</p> + + <p>A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the + album, noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been + removed and placed in the section devoted to "Men and Women of + the Time." On asking the Prince whether he had removed the + picture, the latter solemnly replied: "Yes, sir. You told me + the other day that you thought Mr. Roosevelt a genius, so I + took him away from the kings and emperors and put him among the + famous people."</p><a name="H_0324" + id="H_0324"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>KISSES</h2> + + <p>Jack disliked being kissed. One day he had been kissed a + lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the + picture-palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy + and Indian pictures there was nothing but a lot more hugging + and kissing. He returned home completely out of patience with + the whole tribe of women.</p> + + <p>After he had been tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him + good-night.</p> + + <p>He refused.</p> + + <p>Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his + father, who was standing at the doorway, looking on, and + said:</p> + + <p>"Daddy, for heaven's sake, give this woman a kiss!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>People who throw kisses are mighty near hopelessly lazy.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"If you kiss me again," declared Miss Lovely firmly, "I + shall tell father."</p> + + <p>"That's an old tale," replied the bold, bad young man. + "Anyhow, it's worth it," and he kissed her.</p> + + <p>Miss Lovely sprang to her feet. "I shall tell father," she + said and left the room.</p> + + <p>"Father," she said softly to her parent when she got + outside, "Mr. Bolder wants to see your new gun."</p> + + <p>"All right, I'll take it to him," said her father, and two + minutes later he appeared in the doorway with his gun in his + hand.</p> + + <p>There was a crash of breaking glass as Mr. Bolder dived + through the window and departed in all haste for the railway + station.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Before introducing Lieutenant de Tessan, aid to General + Joffre, and Colonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil of France," Chairman + Spencer, of the St. Louis entertainment committee, at the M. A. + A. breakfast told this anecdote.</p> + + <p>"In Washington, Lieutenant de Tessan was approached by a + pretty American girl, who said:</p> + + <p>"'And did you kill a German soldier?'</p> + + <p>"'Yes,' he replied.</p> + + <p>"'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired.</p> + + <p>"'With this right hand,' he said.</p> + + <p>"And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and + kissed it. Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and + said to Lieutenant de Tessan:</p> + + <p>"'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to + death.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>According to Dr. Bramer, the savages of Brumari Island never + kiss each other. Judging by their photographs, we don't blame + them.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A girl was asked to explain why men never kiss each other, + while women do. She replied:</p> + + <p>"Men have something better to kiss; women haven't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet + absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the + young man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. The + Baby's right, the Lover's privilege, the Hypocrite's mask. To a + young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid + charity.</p><a name="H_0325" + id="H_0325"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>KNOWLEDGE</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Self-Knowledge</i></p> + + <p>To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great help to + knowledge.—<i>Disraeli</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Superfluous</i></p> + + <p>"What's that you're goin' to give Bill?"</p> + + <p>"An anesthetic. After he takes it he won't know + anything."</p> + + <p>"Lor', Bill don't need that, he don't know anything + now."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Knowledge is not happiness, and science</p> + + <p>But an exchange of ignorance for that</p> + + <p>Which is another kind of ignorance.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Byron</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0326" + id="H_0326"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LABOR AND CAPITAL</h2> + + <p>"What's the difference between capital and labor?"</p> + + <p>"If I had to work and turn three-fourths of my wages over to + you, that would be labor."</p> + + <p>"Yes?"</p> + + <p>"On the other hand, if you had to work and turn + three-fourths of your wages over to me, that would be + capital."</p><a name="H_0327" + id="H_0327"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES</h2> + + <p>JOHN—"You work hard. How many hods of mortar have yuh + carried up that ladder today?"</p> + + <p>BILL—"Hush, man. I'm foolin' the boss. I've carried + this same hodful up an' down all day, and he thinks I've been + workin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Said a teacher of much erudition,</p> + + <p>"I deplore the poor workman's condition."</p> + + <p>When he learned what they earned,</p> + + <p>His profession he spurned,</p> + + <p>And became a high-paid mechanician.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"And how is your husband keeping?"</p> + + <p>"'E ain't keeping; 'e's on strike, and I'm doing the + keeping."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BOSS—"No; we have all the men we need."</p> + + <p>LABORER—"Seems like you could take one more, the + little bit of work I'd do."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FARMER—"I'll give you $5 a month and your board!"</p> + + <p>APPLICANT—"Aw, shucks! What do you think I am, a + college graduate?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Wilson Barrett used to tell an amusing story against + himself. At a time when he had a lot of workmen redecorating + his private residence, thinking to give them a treat, he asked + if, after work one evening, they would like to have seats to go + and see him play in "The Lights o' London," at the Princess's + Theater.</p> + + <p>They said they didn't mind if they did, and being given + complimentary tickets, all went on a Saturday night to see + their employer's performance.</p> + + <p>At the end of the week Barrett's eye caught sight of this + item against each workman's name on the pay-sheet: "Saturday + night. Four hours' overtime at Princess's Theater, eight + shillings."</p><a name="H_0328" + id="H_0328"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LABOR-SAVING DEVICES</h2> + + <p>A New Orleans man tells of a visit he once made to a small, + although important, place on the Caribbean coast of + Colombia.</p> + + <p>At that time, it appears, his knowledge of South America was + limited, and he viewed the sights with a keener interest than + he does today. While he was waiting for the train in which he + was to travel to Barranquilla, two peons went by with a + wheelbarrow minus the wheel. It was a contrivance with handles + at both ends, and it required the services of two men to move + it.</p> + + <p>Turning to a steamer acquaintance, the American asked him if + there were no real wheelbarrows in the place.</p> + + <p>"Oh, no," replied the Colombian; "we use these ingenious + devices so that two men may do the work of + one."</p><a name="H_0329" + id="H_0329"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LADIES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Woman.</p><a name="H_0330" + id="H_0330"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LANGUAGES</h2> + + <p>The oculist was examining the eyes of a patient from + Jamaica. He requested the patient to read the top line of the + test card, the letters of which ran N P R T V Z B D F H K O. + The patient emitted a spluttering sound. "Come, come," urged + the doctor, "read the top line." The patient frowned and + spluttered again. The doctor was slightly exasperated. "If you + can't read it, just say so," he said.</p> + + <p>"Well, really, you know," replied the Jamaican, "the letters + are perfectly familiar, but I'm hanged if I know the + language."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why have words roots, pa?"</p> + + <p>"To make the language grow, my child."</p><a name="H_0331" + id="H_0331"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LAUGHTER</h2> + + <p>Every time a man laughs he takes a kink out of the chain of + life.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"After all," said Kwoter, "it's a true saying that 'he + laughs best who laughs last.'"</p> + + <p>"Not at all," replied Wise. "The really true saying is: 'He + laughs best whose laugh lasts.'"</p><a name="H_0332" + id="H_0332"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LAUNDRY</h2> + + <p>"Did the laundry man find those cuffs he lost last + week?"</p> + + <p>"No, John."</p> + + <p>"The shirts are no good to me without the cuffs."</p> + + <p>"Evidently he figured it that way, too. This week he lost + the shirts."</p><a name="H_0333" + id="H_0333"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LAWS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The good need fear no law;</p> + + <p>It is his safety, and the bad man's awe.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Massinger</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Your case would have been stronger, Mr. McGuire," said the + lawyer, "if you had acted only on the defensive. But you struck + first. If you had let him strike you first you would have had + the law on your side."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said McGuire. "Oi'd have had the law on my soide, but + Oi'd have had him on me stomach."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Congressman Hull, of Iowa, sent free seeds to a constituent + in a franked envelop, on the corner of which were the usual + words, "Penalty for private use, $300." A few days later he + received a letter which read:</p> + + <p>"I don't know what to do about those garden-seeds you sent + me. I notice it is $300 fine for private use. I don't want to + use them for the public. I want to plant them in my private + garden. I can't afford to pay $300 for the privilege. Won't you + see if you can't fix it so I can use them privately? I am a + law-abiding citizen, and do not want to commit any + crime."</p><a name="H_0334" + id="H_0334"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LAWYERS</h2> + + <p>LAWYER—"Are you aware, sir, that what you contemplate + is illegal?"</p> + + <p>CLIENT—"Certainly. What do you suppose I came to + consult you for?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Atlanta lawyer tells of a newly qualified judge in one of + the towns of the South who was trying one of his first criminal + cases. The prisoner was an old negro charged with robbing a + hen-coop. He had been in court before on a similar charge and + was then acquitted.</p> + + <p>"Well Henry," observed the Judge, "I see you're in trouble + again."</p> + + <p>"Yessuh," replied the negro. "De las' time, Jedge, you + rec'lect, you was mah lawyuh."</p> + + <p>"Where is your lawyer this time?"</p> + + <p>"I ain't got no lawyer dis time," said Henry. "Ah's gwine to + tell de troof."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pa, what is a retainer?"</p> + + <p>"What you pay a lawyer before he does any work for you, my + son."</p> + + <p>"Oh, I see. It's like the quarter you put in the gas-meter + before you get any gas."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, + who felt like lynching him, his opponent, a grizzled old + veteran, arose, looked sweetly at the judge, and said:</p> + + <p>"Your honor, I will follow the example of my young friend + who has just finished, and submit the case without + argument."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Chicago business man, with many relatives, some of whom + were well-to-do but grasping, recently sought the services of + his lawyer to draw up his will. When, after much labor, the + document was completed, the client asked:</p> + + <p>"Have you fixed this thing, as I wished it, tight and + strong?"</p> + + <p>"I have done my best," said the lawyer.</p> + + <p>"Well," continued the client, "I want to ask you another + thing—not professionally, however. As a friend, and man + to man, who do you think stands the best chance of getting the + property when I am gone?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The attorneys for the prosecution and defense had been + allowed fifteen minutes each to argue the case. The attorney + for the defense had commenced his argument with an allusion to + the old swimming-hole of his boyhood days. He told in flowery + oratory of the balmy air, the singing birds, the joy of youth, + the delights of the cool water—</p> + + <p>And in the midst of it he was interrupted by the drawling + voice of the judge:</p> + + <p>"Come out, Chauncey," he said, "and put on your clothes. + Your fifteen minutes are up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is related that when Judge Benjamin Toppan of Ohio, who + died in the early '70s, applied for admission to the bar of + that state he was asked just two questions. "Mr. Toppan, what + is law?" was the first of these.</p> + + <p>"An unjust distribution of justice," replied the + applicant.</p> + + <p>"What is equity?" was the second.</p> + + <p>"A damned imposition upon common sense!"</p> + + <p>He was received into the brotherhood with open arms.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAGNATE—"I give that lawyer ten thousand dollars a + year to keep me out of jail."</p> + + <p>"Oh, John! Please stop spending your money so + foolishly."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When General Beck was a young lawyer a man was arraigned for + murder and had no counsel.</p> + + <p>"Mr. Beck," said the presiding judge, "take the prisoner + into that room at the rear of the court, hear his story, and + give him the best advice you can."</p> + + <p>Accordingly Beck disappeared with the prisoner, and in half + an hour's time returned into court—alone.</p> + + <p>"Where is the prisoner?" asked the judge.</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Beck, slowly, "I heard his story, and then I + gave him the best advice I could. I said: 'Prisoner, if I were + you I'd get out of that window and make tracks.' He slid down + the water-pipe, and the last I saw of him he was getting over a + stone wall half a mile away."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Smith certainly is a foxy fellow. He's drawn up his will in + such a way that the lawyers can't get more out of it than his + own heirs."</p> + + <p>"How's that?"</p> + + <p>"Why, he left half his fortune to one of the best lawyers in + the country, provided he saw to it that the other half went to + Smith's children intact."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I couldn't serve as a juror, judge. One look at that fellow + convinces me he's guilty."</p> + + <p>"Sh-h! That's the district attorney."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LITTLE WILLIE—"What is a lawyer, pa?"</p> + + <p>PA—"A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other + men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their + clothes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The following is told of a late railway magnate and a + prominent Philadelphia lawyer.</p> + + <p>Said the magnate to the lawyer—"I want you to show + that this law is unconstitutional. Do you think that you can + manage it?"</p> + + <p>"Easily," answered the lawyer.</p> + + <p>"Well, go ahead and get familiar with the case."</p> + + <p>"I'm already at home in it. I know my ground perfectly. It's + the same law you had me prove was constitutional two years + ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Are you sure you can prove my client is crazy?"</p> + + <p>"Why, certainly," replied the eminent alienist. "And what is + more, if you are ever in trouble and need my services I'll do + the same thing for you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The lawyer was endeavoring to pump some free advice out of + the doctor.</p> + + <p>"Which side is it best to lie on, Doc?"</p> + + <p>"The side that pays you the retainer."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a + shilling subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of + his funeral. Most of the attorneys and barristers having + subscribed, one of them applied to Toler, afterwards Lord Chief + Justice Norbury, expressing his hope that he would also + subscribe his shilling.</p> + + <p>"Only a shilling!" said Toler; "only a shilling to bury an + attorney! Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of + them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Judges.</p><a name="H_0335" + id="H_0335"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LAZINESS</h2> + + <p>"I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop," said the + grower, "and I went to a saloon in a near-by city. On entering + the place I accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the + men lounging about the place cared for employment at good + wages.</p> + + <p>"'I dunno,' said the mixer, 'yer better ask 'em.'</p> + + <p>"'Any of you men want to go to work?' I said.</p> + + <p>"There was a dead silence for a few moments, when one of the + loafers spoke up and queried, 'What doing, and what do yer + pay?'</p> + + <p>"'Picking prunes,' I replied, 'and I pay three dollars a day + and board.'</p> + + <p>"'What kind of a place is it?' asked the garrulous one.</p> + + <p>"'It is an attractive rolling orchard,' I answered.</p> + + <p>"The I. W. W. spokesman rose from his chair, yawned, + stretched himself, and said, 'Well, roll her in here and let's + see her, and we'll tell yer if we wants the job.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A morning paper complains that "eggs ought to be more + plentiful and cheaper than they are at the present time." The + number of hens to be seen nowadays standing about doing nothing + is certainly a scandal.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An American teacher undertook the task of convincing an + indolent native son of the Philippines that it was his duty to + get out and hustle.</p> + + <p>"But why should I work?" inquired the guileless + Filipino.</p> + + <p>"In order to make money," declared the thrifty teacher.</p> + + <p>"But what do I want with money?" persisted the brown + brother.</p> + + <p>"Why, when you get plenty of money you will be independent + and will not have to work any more," replied the teacher.</p> + + <p>"I don't have to work now," said the native—and the + teacher gave it up in disgust.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST COCKY (on horseback)—"That cove ye've had + wurrkin' for yer arsked me fur a job this mornin'. Was he a + steady chap Ryan?"</p> + + <p>SECOND COCKY—"He was. If he'd ha' bin inny stiddier + he'd ha' bin motionless."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What sort of a chap is Bill to camp out with?"</p> + + <p>"He's one of those fellows who always takes down a mandolin + about the time it's up to somebody to get busy with the frying + pan."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A camera man who had ventured without permission to take + some pictures on a farm for the educational department of a + film company was met unexpectedly by the owner of the farm and + hastened to explain his presence there. "I've just been taking + a few moving pictures of life on your farm," he said.</p> + + <p>"Have you?" the old farmer responded. "And did you catch my + hired man in motion?"</p> + + <p>"Sure I did," the man assured him.</p> + + <p>"You did!" the farmer exclaimed. Then he shook his head + reflectively. "Well, well," he remarked, "science is a + wonderful thing."</p><a name="H_0336" + id="H_0336"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LEAGUE OF NATIONS</h2> + + <p>"Why do you object to the League of Nations?"</p> + + <p>"On musical grounds. After singing 'My Country, 'Tis of + Thee,' all these years, I don't want the mental effort of + changing to 'Our Countries, Tis of Those.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FOR SALE—"League of Nations." Several pages missing; + binding gone in spots. Damaged by fire and water. Valuable + historical document. Author now unknown. As + is.</p><a name="H_0337" + id="H_0337"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LEAP YEAR</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>A Modern Leap-Year Song</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, me! why should I marry me?</p> + + <p class="i2">Lovers are plenty, but fortunes are + few</p> + + <p>Why lose wages that carry me</p> + + <p class="i2">Better by far than a husband could + do?</p> + + <p>Fond youth, calmly I'm viewing you,</p> + + <p class="i2">Steeling a heart that might flutter and + throb:</p> + + <p>I've no thought of pursuing you;</p> + + <p class="i2">Poverty's stupid—I'll stick to my + job.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0338" + id="H_0338"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LEFT HANDEDNESS</h2> + + <p>Pat, who was left-handed, was being sworn in as a witness in + the West Side Court of Denver, Colo.</p> + + <p>"Hold up your right hand," said the judge. Up went Pat's + left hand.</p> + + <p>"Hold up your right hand," commanded the judge, sternly.</p> + + <p>"Sure and I am, yer honor," declared Pat. "Me right hand's + on me left-hand side."</p><a name="H_0339" + id="H_0339"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LEGISLATION</h2> + + <p>"Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or + anything like that?"</p> + + <p>"No," replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of + them. If I have any lingering vices I feel that I need only + wait for somebody to introduce legislation that will make them + impossible."</p><a name="H_0340" + id="H_0340"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LEGISLATORS</h2> + + <p>"Do you think we are happier for the conveniences of + telegraph and telephone?"</p> + + <p>"Not always," replied Senator Sorghum. "It would be a great + comfort to be able to make a speech that exactly agrees with + your audience without its being placed immediately before + people all over the country who may not feel the same way about + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Senator, you promised me a job."</p> + + <p>"But there are no jobs."</p> + + <p>"I need a job, Senator."</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll ask for a commission to investigate as to why + there are no jobs and you can get a job on + that."</p><a name="H_0341" + id="H_0341"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LEISURE</h2> + + <p>THE CHILD—"Mother, what is 'leisure'?"</p> + + <p>THE MOTHER—"It's the spare time a woman has in which + she can do some other kind of work, + dearie."</p><a name="H_0342" + id="H_0342"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LIARS</h2> + + <p>The teacher was telling her class a long, highly embellished + story of Santa Claus, and the mirth of Willie Jones eventually + got entirely beyond his control.</p> + + <p>"Willie," said the teacher sternly, "what did I whip you for + yesterday?"</p> + + <p>"Fer lyin'," promptly answered Willie; "an' I was jest + wonderin' who was goin' to whip you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he + undertakes, for he must be forced to invent twenty more to + maintain one.—<i>Pope</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered + around a dog of doubtful pedigree.</p> + + <p>"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked, with fatherly + interest.</p> + + <p>"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller + that tells the biggest one gets the purp."</p> + + <p>"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your + age I never thought of telling an untruth."</p> + + <p>"Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, + mister."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man may tell the same lie about the same thing to the same + man seven times seven, and be accounted truthful. Let him vary + in but the merest detail and he is a liar. Such is the patent + gullibility of a too conscientious world.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An evangelist who was conducting services announced that on + the following evening he would speak on the subject of "Liars." + He advised his hearers to read in advance the seventeenth + chapter of Mark.</p> + + <p>The next night he arose and said: "I am going to preach on + 'Liars' tonight and I would like to know how many read the + chapter I suggested." A hundred hands were upraised.</p> + + <p>"Now," he said, "you are the very persons I want to talk + to—there isn't any seventeenth chapter of Mark."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Sunday school teacher asked a small girl the other day why + Ananias was so severely punished. The little one thought a + minute, then answered: "Please, teacher, they weren't so used + to lying in those days."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Does your husband ever lie to you?"</p> + + <p>"Never."</p> + + <p>"How do you know?"</p> + + <p>"He tells me that I do not look a day older than I did when + he married me, and if he doesn't lie about that, I don't think + he would about less important matters."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you really mean to call me a liar?" asked one rival + railroad man of another railroad man, during a dispute on + business they had on Austin Avenue yesterday.</p> + + <p>"No, Colonel, I don't mean to call you a liar. On the + contrary, I say you are the only man in town who tells the + truth all the time, but I'm offering a reward of $25 and a + chromo to any other man who will say he believes me when I say + you never lie," was the response.</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm glad you took it back," replied the other party, + as they shook.—<i>A. E. Sweet</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Husband; Real estate agents; + Regrets.</p><a name="H_0343" + id="H_0343"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LIBERTY BONDS</h2> + + <p>"We accept Liberty Bonds at their full value for all + goods."</p> + + <p>Thus reads a placard in the window of a wholesale liquor + house. We have often wondered what the height of + damphoolishness might be, having tried various things, but + there it is: Exchanging a Liberty Bond for + booze.</p><a name="H_0344" + id="H_0344"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LIBRARIANS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Reference Librarian</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At times behind a desk he sits,</p> + + <p>At times about the room he flits—</p> + + <p>Folks interrupt his perfect ease</p> + + <p>By asking questions such as these:</p> + + <p>"How tall was prehistoric man?"</p> + + <p>"How old, I pray, was Sister Ann?"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Perhaps," commented her husband's bookish friend, "you + should be thankful you did not find him with his nose in 'The + Inside of the Cup!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"What should one do if cats have fits?"</p> + + <p>"What woman first invented mitts?"</p> + + <p>"Who said 'To labor is to pray?'"</p> + + <p>"How much did Daniel Lambert weigh?"</p> + + <p>"Don't you admire E. P. Roe?"</p> + + <p>"What is the fare to Kokomo?"</p> + + <p>"Have you a life of Sairy Gamp?"</p> + + <p>"Can you lend me a postage-stamp?"</p> + + <p>"Have you the rimes of Edward Lear?"</p> + + <p>"What wages do they give you here?"</p> + + <p>"What dictionary is the best?"</p> + + <p>"Did Brummell wear a satin vest?"</p> + + <p>"How do you spell 'anemic,' please?"</p> + + <p>"What is a Gorgonzola cheese?"</p> + + <p>"Who ferried souls across the Styx?"</p> + + <p>"What is the square of 96?"</p> + + <p>"Are oysters good to eat in March?"</p> + + <p>"Are green bananas full of starch?"</p> + + <p>"Where is that book I used to see?"</p> + + <p>"I guess you don't remember me?"</p> + + <p>"Haf you Der Hohenzollernspiel?"</p> + + <p>"Where shall I put this apple peel?"</p> + + <p>"Ou est, m'sie, la grand Larousse?"</p> + + <p>"Do you say 'two-spot,' or 'the deuce'?"</p> + + <p>"Come, find my book—why make a row?"</p> + + <p>"A <i>red</i> one—can't you find it + <i>now</i>?"</p> + + <p>"Please, which is right? to 'lend' or 'loan'?"</p> + + <p>"Say, mister, where's the telephone?"</p> + + <p>"How <i>do</i> you use this catalog?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, hear that noise! Is that my dog?"</p> + + <p>"Have you a book called 'Shapes of Fear'?"</p> + + <p>"You mind if I leave baby here?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Edmund Lester Pearson</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>It was at the public library. A small shaver clutched a + well-worn, dirty volume. At last it came his turn to place his + volume for the inspection of the librarian. The suspense was + great, but finally the librarian leaned forward. Taking in the + size of the boy and then glancing back at the book she + remarked, "This is rather technical, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>Planting his feet firmly on the floor, the boy, + half-defiant, half-apologetic, retorted, "It was that way when + I got it, ma'am."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My husband is a most inveterate reader," exclaimed Mrs. + Knox with a slight tone of ennui. "He reads until dawn every + morning. Why, last night I found him asleep with his nose in + 'V.V.'s Eyes!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Toast to Librarians</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Said the "maker of books" to the "keeper of + books,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Yours is the task to hold</p> + + <p>The choice of the changeable minds of men</p> + + <p class="i2">To that which is pure gold.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yours to watch at the ebb and flow</p> + + <p class="i2">The tides of the public + thought—</p> + + <p>Flotsam or jetsam floating in</p> + + <p class="i2">With the treasure genius brought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For the unperishable dream of the soul lives on,</p> + + <p class="i2">As the dream of genius must,</p> + + <p>When the brain which wrought and the hand that + wrote</p> + + <p class="i2">Are one with the "daisied dust."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so with reverent hands may you give</p> + + <p class="i2">To the minds of men in their need,</p> + + <p>The written word that's the word worth while,</p> + + <p class="i2">So keepers of books—God speed!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Do You Believe In Fairies?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The world is full of people</p> + + <p class="i2">Who are under the impression</p> + + <p>That libr'ry work in general</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the easiest profession.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Such nice clean work!" says So-and-So,</p> + + <p class="i2">"And such nice hours too!"</p> + + <p>"Why, really now," exclaims a girl,</p> + + <p class="i2">"I don't see what you do."</p> + + <p>"Just sitting reading all the books</p> + + <p class="i2">'Most all the livelong day.</p> + + <p>Don't tell me now that just for this</p> + + <p class="i2">The city gives you pay!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And no one ever stops to think</p> + + <p class="i2">Why it's so quiet there.</p> + + <p>While they're just sitting at their ease</p> + + <p class="i2">In some nice easy chair.</p> + + <p>And how the books got on the shelves</p> + + <p class="i2">In just the right, right place,</p> + + <p>Nor how the "chief" keeps track of each,</p> + + <p class="i2">And with a smiling face.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, mercy no, they seem to think</p> + + <p class="i2">Some fairy passed that way</p> + + <p>With books from many publishers</p> + + <p class="i2">And when she'd said, "Good day,"</p> + + <p>She catalogued them in a night,</p> + + <p class="i2">And with a bit of glue,</p> + + <p>Stuck in the pages that were loose,</p> + + <p class="i2">And mended old ones too.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And that she dusted all the shelves,</p> + + <p class="i2">And kept the records straight;</p> + + <p>So when the year came to an end,</p> + + <p class="i2">She would not be too late</p> + + <p>In handing in a full report</p> + + <p class="i2">Of just what had been done.</p> + + <p>(And "full" comprises everything</p> + + <p class="i2">That's underneath the sun).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh yes, you'll find them everywhere,</p> + + <p class="i2">Deluded as can be</p> + + <p>In thinking libr'ry work's a "cinch,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And looking longingly</p> + + <p>At someone's "easy libr'ry job"</p> + + <p class="i2">"With not a thing to do!"</p> + + <p>But tell me, do you libr'yites</p> + + <p class="i2">Believe in fairies too?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>H.I.B. in the Use of + Print</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A certain woman who came in to take out a card, upon being + told she must give the name of a friend as reference said, + "Why, I have no friends. I was a librarian."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Books and reading.</p><a name="H_0345" + id="H_0345"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LIBRARIES</h2> + + <p><i>The Power-House</i></p> + + <p>Every day I go past the Library on Ludlow Street</p> + + <p>I look in the open windows and see the great dynamos.</p> + + <p>They have power enough to jazz the earth and throw the + planets out of step, but they make no sound.</p> + + <p>I saw a girl with shell goggles dusting some of them,</p> + + <p>Unterrified by her proximity to such dangerous engines.</p> + + <p>Look out, child, look out, don't get too near the Bernard + Shaw rheostat or the Walt Whitman + fly-wheel.—<i>Christopher Morley</i>.</p> + + <p>"May I take this book home please, or isn't it a + <i>running</i> book? Oh, I'm so glad, I thought it might be + 'for reference only.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAN—"I'd like a book on dramatic expression."</p> + + <p>LIBRARIAN—"Oral, of course?"</p> + + <p>MAN—"Yes, I don't like poetry."</p><a name="H_0346" + id="H_0346"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LIES</h2> + + <p>Sin has many tools but a lie is the handle that fits them + all.—<i>O.W. Holmes</i>.</p><a name="H_0347" + id="H_0347"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LIFE</h2> + + <p>As viewed by the</p> + + <table summary="Optimism vs. Pessimism" + width="60%"> + <tr> + <td align="center">OPTIMIST</td> + + <td align="center">PESSIMIST</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>Love</td> + + <td>Lies</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>Independence</td> + + <td>Ingratitude</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>Fun</td> + + <td>Foolishness</td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td>Endeavor</td> + + <td>Exertion</td> + </tr> + </table> + <hr /> + + <p>In traveling along a road in a motor car, there will be + several cars ahead of you going your way, and there will be + several cars coming toward you. Also ahead of you, going your + way, there may be a hay wagon or a farmer in a buggy. As you + speed along, you look ahead and declare to yourself that there + is no logical way in which you can get through the spaces thus + created. Yet the vehicles always form themselves into the right + combination, and you pass through easily. This is the way with + life. There are always obstacles that you do not see how you + can pass without a smash-up. But you always get by.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Stop, look, listen!"</p> + + <p>The reflective man stopped to read the railroad warning.</p> + + <p>"Those three words illustrate the whole scheme of life," + said he.</p> + + <p>"How?"</p> + + <p>"You see a pretty girl; you stop; you look; after you marry + her, and for the rest of your life, you listen."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Magician</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life has such a subtle way</p> + + <p>Of forming roses out of clay;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of taking tears that seemed in vain</p> + + <p>And making of them April rain;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of getting from a heedless rafter</p> + + <p>Echoes of dead bits of laughter;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of welding in a sunset sea</p> + + <p>Lost loveliness and imagery;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of making out of crawling things</p> + + <p>Butterflies with airy wings.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life has such a subtle way</p> + + <p>Of turning darkness into day;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Of bringing music, ocean-old,</p> + + <p>To newness of a tale untold;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then, grown jealous of its trust,</p> + + <p>Of changing roses back to dust.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Vivian Yeiser + Laramore</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you + could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget + them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, begin it well + and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with + your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is + too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on + the yesterdays.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Life Is No Problem</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is no problem to the heart</p> + + <p class="i2">That understands itself,</p> + + <p>That does not sit above, apart</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon some higher shelf.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And moralize on destiny</p> + + <p class="i2">And other things obscure,</p> + + <p>But has no more philosophy</p> + + <p class="i2">Than changeless love and pure.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is no problem to the mind</p> + + <p class="i2">That knows the way to live</p> + + <p>The habit just of being kind,</p> + + <p class="i2">The joy of just to give.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is no mystery at all</p> + + <p class="i2">To those who do not doubt</p> + + <p>But take this life as life befall</p> + + <p class="i2">And smile and live it out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do not with theories concern</p> + + <p class="i2">Yourself as on you go;</p> + + <p>There is but little we can learn,</p> + + <p class="i2">But little we can know.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is to live, to take the sweet</p> + + <p class="i2">The hidden fates have sent,</p> + + <p>To live each day the day you meet</p> + + <p class="i2">And try to be content.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So do not seek to tear the veil</p> + + <p class="i2">And read the heart of God.</p> + + <p>Enough that He is in the gale</p> + + <p class="i2">And in the velvet sod.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enough that He has given you</p> + + <p class="i2">The boon of days and years,</p> + + <p>The world of green, the sky of blue,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sunshine after tears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Douglas Mallock</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Match Box</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Life is a Match Box, and the Matches</p> + + <p class="i2">Ambitions, and unstruck desires;</p> + + <p>Youth the material that catches</p> + + <p class="i2">And kindles in the darkness fires.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And Love is like an idle fellow</p> + + <p class="i2">Who sets the match box in a blaze,</p> + + <p>And sees the blue flames and the yellow</p> + + <p class="i2">Shoot up and die beneath his gaze.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Age is like a man returning</p> + + <p class="i2">Late homeward. Creeping in his socks</p> + + <p>He tries to get a candle burning,</p> + + <p class="i2">And finds he has an empty box.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The seven ages of man have been well tabulated by somebody + or other on an acquisitive basis. Thus:</p> + + <p>First age—Sees the earth.<br /> + Second age—Wants it.<br /> + Third age—Hustles to get it.<br /> + Fourth age—Decides to be satisfied with only half of + it.<br /> + Fifth age—Becomes still more moderate.<br /> + Sixth age—Now content to possess a six-by-two strip of + it.<br /> + Seventh age—Gets the strip.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Wisdom</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When I have ceased to break my wings</p> + + <p>Against the faultiness of things,</p> + + <p>And learned that compromises wait</p> + + <p>Behind each hardly opened gate,</p> + + <p>When I can look life in the eyes</p> + + <p>Grown calm and very coldly wise,</p> + + <p>Life will have given me the Truth</p> + + <p>And taken in exchange—My Youth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Sara Teasdale</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0348" + id="H_0348"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LISPING</h2> + + <p>A young lady who lisped very badly was treated by a + specialist, and learned to say the sentence: "Sister Susie's + Sewing Shirts for Soldiers."</p> + + <p>She repeated it to her friends, and was praised upon her + masterly performance.</p> + + <p>"Yeth, but ith thuth an ectheedingly difficult remark to + work into a converthathion—ethpethially when you + conthider that I have no thither Thuthie."</p><a name="H_0349" + id="H_0349"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LOGIC</h2> + + <p>"Sedentary work," said the college lecturer, "tends to + lessen the endurance."</p> + + <p>"In other words," butted in the smart student, "the more one + sits the less one can stand."</p> + + <p>"Exactly," retorted the lecturer; "and if one lies a great + deal one's standing is lost completely."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two men were hotly discussing the merits of a book. Finally, + one of them, himself an author, said to the other: "No, John, + you can't appreciate it. You never wrote a book yourself."</p> + + <p>"No," retorted John, "and I never laid an egg, but I'm a + better judge of an omelet than any hen."</p><a name="H_0350" + id="H_0350"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LONDON</h2> + + <p>A teacher asked her class to write an essay on London. She + was surprised to read the following in one attempt:</p> + + <p>"The people of London are noted for their stupidity."</p> + + <p>The young author was asked how he got that idea.</p> + + <p>"Please, miss," was the reply, "it says in the text-books + the population of London is very dense."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hiram writes that the first day he was in London he lost + £12."</p> + + <p>"Great Cæsar's ghost! Ain't they got any health laws + in that town?"</p><a name="H_0351" + id="H_0351"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LOST AND FOUND</h2> + + <p>OLD GENTLEMAN (in street car)—"Has anyone here dropped + a roll of bills, with a rubber elastic around them?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, I have!" cried a dozen at once.</p> + + <p>OLD GENTLEMAN (calmly)—"Well, I've just picked up the + elastic."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Cohn, I've lost my pocketbook."</p> + + <p>"Have you looked by your pockets?"</p> + + <p>"Sure, all but der left-hand hip pocket."</p> + + <p>"Vell, vy don't you look in dot?"</p> + + <p>"Because if it ain't dere I'll drop dead!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The following exchange of courtesy was recently chronicled + in a German paper's advertisements:</p> + + <p>"The gentleman who found a brown purse, containing a sum of + money, in the Blumenstrasse, is requested to forward it to the + address of the loser, as he is recognized."</p> + + <p>A couple of days later appeared the response, which, altho + courteous, had an elusive air, to say the least:</p> + + <p>"The recognized gentleman who picked up a brown purse in the + Blumenstrasse requests the loser to call at his house at a + convenient day."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A small boy came hurriedly down the street, and halted + breathlessly in front of a stranger going in the same + direction.</p> + + <p>"Have you lost half a crown?" he asked with his hand in his + pocket.</p> + + <p>"Y-es, yes, I believe I have!" said the stranger feeling in + his pockets. "Have you found one?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no," said the small boy. "I just want to see how many + have been lost today. Yours makes fifty-four!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The young lady from New York was inclined to belittle + things.</p> + + <p>"Why," she remarked, "I could find my way up this mountain + path alone."</p> + + <p>"Wal," responded the native, "a young couple went up this + path last year and never came back."</p> + + <p>"Oh, my! Were they lost?"</p> + + <p>"Nope," was the reply, "they went down the other side!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The other day when the beach was crowded, a small boy, + looking rather bewildered, approached a police officer and + said, "Please, sir, have you seen anything of a lady around + here?"</p> + + <p>"Why, yes," answered the officer, "I've seen several."</p> + + <p>"Well, have you seen any without a little boy?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the little chap, as a relieved look crossed his + face, "I'm the little boy. Where's the lady?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One does not mean to be personal, but, if the young man who + sat in the chair where a lady had left a dish of maple sugar to + cool at the festival the other evening, will return the saucer, + he will save himself further trouble.</p><a name="H_0352" + id="H_0352"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LOVE</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Outwitted</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He drew a circle that shut me out</p> + + <p>Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.</p> + + <p>But Love and I had the wit to win,</p> + + <p>We drew a circle that took him in.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Edwin Markham</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DAUGHTER—"Oh, father, how grand it is to be alive! The + world is too good for anything. Why isn't every one happy?"</p> + + <p>FATHER—"Who is he this time?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDITH—"How does Fred make love?"</p> + + <p>MARIE—"Well, I should define it as unskilled + labor."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAG.—"Wot is 'platonic affection,' Liz? Is it + love?"</p> + + <p>LIZ.—"Well, no;—it ain't <i>true</i> love! Dere + ain't no quarreling in it, ner no fighting, ner worrying, ner + hocking, ner drinking, ner getting arrested fer non-support, + ner <i>nuthin'</i> wot's really passionate!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Why</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do you know why the rabbits are caught in the + snare</p> + + <p class="i2">Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles?</p> + + <p>Why the tigers and lions creep out of their + lair?</p> + + <p class="i2">Why an ostrich will travel for miles?</p> + + <p>Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry</p> + + <p class="i2">And weep o'er a ribbon or glove?</p> + + <p>Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie?</p> + + <p class="i2">Do you know? Well, I'll tell + you—it's Love.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>H.P. Stevens</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>PAPA—"Why, hang it, girl, that fellow only earns nine + dollars a week!"</p> + + <p>PLEADING DAUGHTER—"Yes; but, daddy, dear, a week + passes so quickly when you're fond of one + another."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Love makes the world go 'round," quoted the Parlor + Philosopher.</p> + + <p>"Yes, but it has to be cranked," replied the Mere Man. "It + isn't a self-starter."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Cupid</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why was Cupid a boy,</p> + + <p class="i2">And why a boy was he?</p> + + <p>He should have been a girl,</p> + + <p class="i2">For aught that I can see.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For he shoots with his bow,</p> + + <p class="i2">And a girl shoots with her eye;</p> + + <p>And they both are merry and glad,</p> + + <p class="i2">And laugh when we do cry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then to make Cupid a boy</p> + + <p class="i2">Was surely a woman's plan,</p> + + <p>For a boy never learns so much</p> + + <p class="i2">Till he has become a man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then he's so pierced with cares,</p> + + <p class="i2">And wounded with arrowy smarts,</p> + + <p>That the whole business of his life</p> + + <p class="i2">Is to pick out the heads of the + darts.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>William Blake</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Partake of love as a temperate man partakes of wine: do not + become intoxicated.—<i>A. de + Musset</i>.</p><a name="H_0353" + id="H_0353"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>LUCK</h2> + + <p>VICAR—"Nothing to be thankful for! Why, think of poor + old Hodge losing his wife through the flu!"</p> + + <p>GILES—"Well, that don't do me no good. I ain't + Hodge."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good luck is the gayest of all gay girls;</p> + + <p class="i2">Long in one place she will not stay:</p> + + <p>Back from your brow she strokes the curls,</p> + + <p class="i2">Kisses you quick and flies away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Madame Bad Luck soberly comes</p> + + <p class="i2">And stays—no fancy has she for + flitting;</p> + + <p>Snatches of true-love songs she hums,</p> + + <p class="i2">And sits by your bed, and brings her + knitting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>John Hay</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>YOUNG SON—"What is luck, father?"</p> + + <p>FATHER—"Luck, my son, is something that enables + another fellow to succeed where we have + failed."</p><a name="H_0354" + id="H_0354"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MAGAZINES</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>History of the Magazine Story</i></p> + + <p>July 27, 1914—Author finishes it.</p> + + <p>Aug. 3, 1914—Rewrites, giving incidental war + slant.</p> + + <p>May 9, 1915—Rewrites; hero rescues heroine from + torpedoed liner.</p> + + <p>Apr. 7, 1917—Rewrites; hero enlists; villain, German + spy.</p> + + <p>Nov. 13, 1918—Rewrites; denouement, allied entrance + into Berlin; heroine, Red Cross nurse.</p> + + <p>Nov. 13, 1918—Rewrites; climax, homecoming from + overseas.</p> + + <p>Aug. 15, 1919—War fiction going stale; goes back to + original story, retaining only German villain.</p> + + <p>Jan. 1, 1923—Rewrites; takes out German villain.</p> + + <p>Apr. 1, 1934—Author in old people's home; sells + original story to Cozy Hearth; editor features it as "charming + romance of life before the war."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EDITOR (surveying summer landscape)—"Season of mists + and mellow fruitfulness, close bosom friend of the maturing + sun!"</p> + + <p>FRIEND—"But, I say, that was written about autumn, + wasn't it?"</p> + + <p>EDITOR—"Yes, yes, I know—but you must remember + that we always go to press four months in advance!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was the first of January when a stranger entered the + offices of Pushup's Monthly Magazine.</p> + + <p>"Gracious, but it is hot in here!" he remarked to a man in + his shirt sleeves, who was mopping his face with a + handkerchief.</p> + + <p>"Some," was the terse reply of the man, who was no other + than the famous editor himself.</p> + + <p>"What are all those flowers, straw hats and palm-leaf fans + scattered about for?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, to give a touch of realism;—we are now preparing + our great Midsummer Fiction Number," was the great editor's + kindly reply.—<i>E.C.H</i>.</p><a name="H_0355" + id="H_0355"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MAJORITY</h2> + + <p>"You don't mean to tell me you ever doubt the wisdom of the + majority?"</p> + + <p>"Well," responded Senator Sorghum with deliberation, "what + is a majority? In many instances it is only a large number of + people who have got tired out trying to think for themselves + and have decided to accept somebody else's + opinion."</p><a name="H_0356" + id="H_0356"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MARKSMANSHIP</h2> + + <p>"Why do you compare my marksmanship with lightning?" asked + the recruit.</p> + + <p>"Because," replied the instructor, "it never hits twice in + the same place."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OFFICER (to recruit)—"Goodness gracious, man, where + are all your shots going? Every one has missed the target."</p> + + <p>SOLDIER (nervously)—"I don't know, sir. They left here + all right."</p><a name="H_0357" + id="H_0357"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MARRIAGE</h2> + + <p>"Hubby, if I were to die would you marry again?"</p> + + <p>"That question is hardly fair, my dear."</p> + + <p>"Why not?"</p> + + <p>"If I were to say yes you wouldn't like it, and to say never + again wouldn't sound nice."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PHRENOLOGIST—"Yes, sir, by feeling the bumps on + your head I can tell exactly what sort of man you are."</p> + + <p>MR. DOOLAN—"Oi belave it will give ye more ov an oidea + wot sort ov a woman me woife is."—<i>Jack Canuck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Private Nelson got his leave, and made what he conceived to + be the best use of his holiday by getting married.</p> + + <p>On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his + marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway + ticket.</p> + + <p>The official studied it carefully, and then said:</p> + + <p>"Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long journey, but + not on this road."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NORTH—"I see they're reviving the talk about trial + marriages. Do you believe in them?"</p> + + <p>WEST—"Well, mine is quite a trial, but I can't say I + believe in it especially."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young fellow took his elderly father to a football + match.</p> + + <p>"Father," he said as they took their seats, "you'll see more + excitement for your five dollars than you ever saw before."</p> + + <p>"Oh, I don't know," grunted the old man; "five dollars was + all I paid for my marriage license."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>George Washington Jones, colored, was trying to enlist in + Uncle Sam's army, and the following conversation ensued with + the recruiting officer:</p> + + <p>"Name?"</p> + + <p>"George Washington Jones, sah."</p> + + <p>"Age?"</p> + + <p>"I'se twenty-seven years old, sah."</p> + + <p>"Married?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah. Dat scar on mah haid is whar a mule done kicked + me."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If marriage is a lottery,</p> + + <p class="i2">As saw smiths often say,</p> + + <p>The lucky gambler is, of course,</p> + + <p class="i2">The one who doesn't play.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Tennyson J. Daft</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>At the wedding reception the young man remarked: "Wasn't it + annoying the way that baby cried during the whole + ceremony?"</p> + + <p>"It was simply dreadful," replied the prim little maid of + honor; "and when I get married I'm going to have engraved right + in the corner of the invitations: 'No babies expected.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The man who gives in when he is wrong," said the street + orator, "is a wise man; but he who gives in when he is right + is—"</p> + + <p>"Married!" said a meek voice in the crowd.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Killifer desired that the picture be hung to the right + of the door; Mr. Killifer wanted it hung to the left. For once + the husband proved to be the more insistent of the two, and + Henry, the colored man, was summoned to hang the picture + according to Mr. Killifer's order.</p> + + <p>Henry drove in a nail on the left. This done, he also drove + one in the wall on the right.</p> + + <p>"Why are you driving that second nail?" asked Mr. + Killifer.</p> + + <p>"Why, boss, dat's to save me de trouble of bringin' de + ladder tomorrow when you come round to de missus's way of + thinkin'," said Henry.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Brown met Mr. Jones on the street.</p> + + <p>"Any news, Brown?" asked Jones.</p> + + <p>"Nothing special. I've just been reading the Sunday paper. + And I find one peculiar thing in it that may be news to + you."</p> + + <p>"What is it?"</p> + + <p>"The Sunday paper says that women in ancient Egypt used to + act as they pleased, live as they pleased, and dress as they + pleased, without regard to what the men thought. Lucky we don't + live in those times, what?"</p> + + <p>"Mr. Brown, are you married?"</p> + + <p>"What has that got to do with it? As a matter of fact, I'm + not."</p> + + <p>"I thought not."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"She calls her dog and her husband by the same pet name. It + must cause frequent confusion."</p> + + <p>"Not at all. She always speaks gently to the dog."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pa, a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?"</p> + + <p>"We are told so, my son."</p> + + <p>"Then if a man marries twice there isn't anything left of + him, is there?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>How the Row Started</i></p> + + <p>MR. BROWN—"I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I + thought I saw another man running off with you."</p> + + <p>MRS. BROWN—"And what did you say to him?"</p> + + <p>MR. BROWN—"I asked him what he was running for."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Uncle Josh was comfortably lighting his pipe in the + living-room one evening when Aunt Maria glanced up from her + knitting.</p> + + <p>"John," she remarked, "do you know that next Sunday will be + the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?"</p> + + <p>"You don't say so, Maria!" responded Uncle Josh, pulling + vigorously on his corncob pipe. "What about it?"</p> + + <p>"Nothing," answered Aunt Maria, "only I thought maybe we + ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens."</p> + + <p>"But, Maria," demanded Uncle Josh, "how can you blame them + two Rhode Island Reds for what happened twenty-five years + ago?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GARDENER—"I am going to leave, sir. I can't stand the + Missus!"</p> + + <p>EMPLOYER—"Too strict, is she?"</p> + + <p>GARDENER—"Yes, sir. She keeps forgetting that I can + leave any time, and bosses me about just as if I was you!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Get away from here or I'll call my husband," threatened the + hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food.</p> + + <p>"Oh, no, you won't," replied the tramp, "because he ain't + home."</p> + + <p>"How do you know?" asked the woman.</p> + + <p>"Because," answered the man as he sidled toward the gate, "a + man who marries a woman like you is only home at meal + times."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FRIENDLY CONSTABLE—"Come, come, sir, pull yourself + together; your wife's calling you."</p> + + <p>CONVIVIAL GENT—"Wha' she call-calling me; Billy or + William?"</p> + + <p>CONSTABLE—"William, sir."</p> + + <p>CONVIVIAL GENT—"Then I'm not going home."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HUSBAND (angrily)—"What! no supper ready? This is the + limit! I'm going to a restaurant."</p> + + <p>WIFE—"Wait just five minutes."</p> + + <p>HUSBAND—"Will it be ready then?"</p> + + <p>WIFE—"No, but then I'll go with you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why have I never married?" the old bachelor said in reply + to a leading question. "Well, once upon a time, in a crowd, I + trod on a lady's gown. She turned furiously, beginning, 'You + clumsy brute!' Then she smiled sweetly and said, 'Oh, I beg + pardon! I thought you were my husband! No; it really doesn't + matter in the least.'</p> + + <p>"And when I came to think it over, I decided that maybe I'd + just as well let marriage alone."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I hear the sea captain is in hard luck. He married a girl + and she ran away from him."</p> + + <p>"Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FORTUNE-TELLER—"You wish to know about your future + husband?"</p> + + <p>CUSTOMER—"No; I wish to know about the past of my + present husband for future use."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married + her?"</p> + + <p>"Exactly. I remember just how I used to act when I first + fell in love with her. I used to lean over the fence in front + of her house and gaze at her shadow on the curtain, afraid to + go in. And I act just the same way now when I get home + late."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Marriage is a lottery."</p> + + <p>"Not exactly," commented Miss Cayenne. "When you lose in a + lottery it's an easy matter to tear up the ticket and forget + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Lightning knocked over three men who were sitting on boxes + in front of Sawyer's store yesterday. One of them was knocked + senseless; the other two exclaimed, "Leggo! I'm comin' right + home."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEACHER—"In what part of the Bible is it taught that a + man should have only one wife?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE BOY—"I guess it's the part that says that no + man can serve more than one master."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The trouble with most marriages is that a man always makes + the mistake of marrying the woman who carries him off his + feet—instead of trying to find one who will keep him on + them.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CONDUCTOR (to passenger of Pullman)—"Excuse me, sir. + Is this lady your wife?"</p> + + <p>PASSENGER—"I don't know. It depends upon what State we + are passing through."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm thinking of getting married, pa. What's it like?"</p> + + <p>"You had a job as janitor once, didn't you?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"And you had a position as watchman once, didn't you?"</p> + + <p>"And you worked a while as a caretaker, didn't you?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Well, it's a combination of all three jobs—and then + some."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The archbishop had preached a fine sermon on married life + and its beauties. Two old Irishwomen were heard coming out of + church commenting on the address.</p> + + <p>"'Tis a fine sermon his Riverence would be after giving us," + said one to the other.</p> + + <p>"It is, indade," was the quick reply, "and I wish I knew as + little about the matter as he does."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young Swede appeared at the county judge's office and + asked for a license.</p> + + <p>"What kind of a license?" asked the judge. "A hunting + license?"</p> + + <p>"No," was the answer. "Aye tank aye bane hunting long + enough. Aye want marriage license."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The young man sidled into the jeweler's shop with a furtive + air. He handed the jeweler a ring with the stammered statement + that he wished it marked "with some names."</p> + + <p>"What names do you wish?" inquired the jeweler in a + sympathetic tone.</p> + + <p>"From Henry to Clara," the young man blushingly + whispered.</p> + + <p>The jeweler looked from the ring to the young man, and said + in a fatherly manner: "Take my advice, young man, and have it + engraved simply, 'From Henry.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE—"The police say that you and your wife had some + words."</p> + + <p>PRISONER—"I had some, but didn't get a chance to use + them."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At the end of three weeks of married life, a Southern darky + returned to the minister who had performed the ceremony and + asked for a divorce. After explaining that he could not grant + divorces, the minister tried to dissuade his visitor from + carrying out his intention of getting one saying:</p> + + <p>"You must remember, Sam, that you promised to take Liza for + better or for worse."</p> + + <p>"Yassir, I knows dat, boss," rejoined the darky; + "but—but she's wuss dan I took her for."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In one of the big base hospitals of the Army not long ago a + new librarian was set to work by the American Library + Association. She was a very charming young woman, and very + anxious to please all of her "customers," tho some of them + didn't even wish to look at a book. In her rounds she + approached one of the patients and he declined to be interested + in her wares. At the next cot she stopped and offered its + occupant a book.</p> + + <p>"What's it about?" the patient asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, this is 'Bambi,'" said the librarian. "It's about a + girl who married a man without his having anything to say about + it."</p> + + <p>"Hold on there," shouted the man who had declined all books. + He raised himself up on his elbow and reached out his hand. + "Give me that book. It's my autobiography."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Miss SNOWFLAKE—"What did Jim Jackson git married + for?"</p> + + <p>Miss WASHTUBB—"Lawd only knows;—he keeps right + on workin'!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The beautiful young woman interviewed a fortune-teller on + the usual subjects.</p> + + <p>"Lady," said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands, + and the courts of kings and queens. You will conquer all rivals + and marry the man of your choice. He will be tall and dark and + aristocratic looking."</p> + + <p>"And young?" interrupted the lady.</p> + + <p>"Yes, and very rich."</p> + + <p>The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and + pressed them hard.</p> + + <p>"Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How + shall I get rid of my present husband?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Miss Milly was rather a talkative young lady. Her bosom + friend, having missed her for some time, called to find out the + reason.</p> + + <p>"No, mum, Miss Milly is not in," the maid informed her.</p> + + <p>"She has gone to the class."</p> + + <p>"Why, what class?" inquired the caller in surprize.</p> + + <p>"Well, mum, you know Miss Milly is getting married soon, so + she's taking a course of lessons in domestic silence."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Peavish says that if it were to do over again, no man + need ever ask for her hand until he had shown his.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In London they tell of a certain distinguished statesman who + is an optimist on all points save marriage.</p> + + <p>One afternoon this statesman was proceeding along a country + road when he saw a cottager eating his supper alone in the road + before his dwelling.</p> + + <p>"Why, Henry," asked the statesman, "why are you eating out + here alone?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sir, er—" the man stammered, + "the—er—chimney smokes."</p> + + <p>"That's too bad," said the statesman, his philanthropic + sentiments at once being aroused. "I'll have it fixed for you. + Let's have a look at it."</p> + + <p>And before the cottager could stay him the statesman + proceeded to enter the cottage. As soon as he had opened the + door a broomstick fell upon his shoulders and a woman's voice + shrieked:</p> + + <p>"Back here again, are you, you old rascal! Clear out with + you, or I'll—"</p> + + <p>The statesman retired precipitately. The cottager sat in the + road shaking his head in sorrow and embarrassment. The + statesman bent over him, and laid his hand in kindly fashion on + his arm.</p> + + <p>"Never mind, Henry," said he, consolingly, "my chimney + smokes sometimes, too."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NODD—"Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to + dinner with you?"</p> + + <p>TODD—"Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I + argued with her about it this morning for nearly half an + hour."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A recent experience of a Virginia clergyman throws light on + the old English law requiring that marriages should be + celebrated before noon. A colored couple appeared before him, + asking to be married, the man in a considerably muddled state. + The minister said to the woman, "I won't perform this + ceremony."</p> + + <p>"Why is dat, boss?" she queried. "Ain't de license all + right? An' we is of age."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but the man is drunk. Take him away and come back + again." Several days later the couple again presented + themselves, the man once more obviously intoxicated. "See here, + I told you I wouldn't marry you when this man was drunk," the + minister said testily. "Don't you come back here till he's + sober."</p> + + <p>"Well, you see, suh," the woman replied apologetically, "de + trufe is dat he won't come less'n he's lit up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well," cried Mrs. Henpeck, "our son is engaged to be + married. We will write to the dear lad and congratulate + him."</p> + + <p>Mr. Henpeck agreed (he dare not do otherwise), and his wife + picked up the pen.</p> + + <p>"My darling boy," read the son; "what glorious news! Your + father and I rejoice in your happiness. It has long been our + greatest wish that you should marry some good woman. A good + woman is Heaven's most precious gift to man. She brings out all + the best in him and helps him to suppress all that is + evil."</p> + + <p>Then there was a postscript in a different handwriting:</p> + + <p>"Your mother has gone for a stamp. Keep single, you young + noodle."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Women always have and always will keep men guessing," + declares the Wathena (Kan.) Times. "A Wathena merchant employed + a homely girl because he thought he could keep her. Within a + few months a young man married her for the same reason."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A prominent New York débutante recently ordered "four + seats on the aisle" at the theater. When her party arrived at + the performance, they were surprised to find themselves + arranged in a column instead of a row. Nothing daunted, the + débutante turned to a bored, middle-aged man next to + her. Surely he would not mind changing with her friend in + front.</p> + + <p>"I beg your pardon," she said politely.</p> + + <p>No reply. He must be deaf.</p> + + <p>"I beg your pardon," she repeated louder.</p> + + <p>Still no reply.</p> + + <p>"I beg your pardon," she said, bumping his elbow.</p> + + <p>He took out a pencil and wrote on his program:</p> + + <p>"That's my wife on the other side of me. Safety first."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Man puts up with marriage in order to get a certain + girl—a girl puts up with a certain man in order to get + married.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In the old days man used to marry woman for a dot—now + he marries her for a period.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Marriage may be likened to a subscription to a favorite + magazine—it is something that should be renewed each year + if it is not to expire.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A married woman said to her husband: "You have never taken + me to the cemetery."</p> + + <p>"No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in + anticipation."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing + glimpses of a soiled pink silk shirt, with a rubber collar, + approached and in confiding tones asked for a book for a "widow + past 50 who is thinking of getting married." The assistant + proceeded to inquire as to what kind of a story he thought she + might like. "Oh," he said, "what I want is a story that will + kind o' cheer her up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; Husbands; Leap + year.</p><a name="H_0358" + id="H_0358"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MASCOTS</h2> + + <p>"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?"</p> + + <p>"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once + and thought it was a mouse."</p><a name="H_0359" + id="H_0359"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MATHEMATICS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Arithmetic.</p><a name="H_0360" + id="H_0360"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MATRIMONY</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Marriage.</p><a name="H_0361" + id="H_0361"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MEASURING INSTRUMENTS</h2> + + <p>A two-foot rule was given to a laborer in a Clyde boat-yard + to measure an iron plate. The laborer not being well up in the + use of the rule, after spending considerable time, + returned.</p> + + <p>"Now, Mick," asked the plater, "what size is the plate?"</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Mick, with a grin of satisfaction, "it's the + length of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of + brick and the breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, + bar a finger."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p><a name="H_0362" + id="H_0362"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MEDALS</h2> + + <p>A well-known admiral—a stickler for + uniform—stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose + medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man + with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for + eating, my man?"</p> + + <p>On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then + why the deuce do you wear it on your + stomach?"</p><a name="H_0363" + id="H_0363"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MEDICAL ETHICS</h2> + + <p>Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill. A + doctor was summoned, but directly he arrived and got one look + at his patient he said, "Sorry, but you'll have to call another + doctor."</p> + + <p>"Am I as sick as all that?" gasped the attorney.</p> + + <p>"No, but you're the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was + called to give expert testimony in a certain case. Now my + conscience won't permit me to kill you, but I'm darned if I + care to cure you. Good day."</p><a name="H_0364" + id="H_0364"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MEDICINE</h2> + + <p>DOCTOR—"What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat + something before going to bed."</p> + + <p>PATIENT—"Why doctor, you once told me never to eat + anything before going to bed."</p> + + <p>DOCTOR (with dignity)—"Pooh, pooh! That was last + January. Science has made enormous strides since then."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GIRL (to druggist)—"Could you fix me a dose of castor + oil so as the oil won't taste?"</p> + + <p>DRUGGIST—"Certainly! Won't you have a glass of soda + while waiting?" (She drinks the soda.)</p> + + <p>DRUGGIST—"Something else, miss?"</p> + + <p>GIRL—"No, just the oil."</p> + + <p>DRUGGIST—"But you have just drank it."</p> + + <p>GIRL—"Oh! It was for my mother."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Are you of the opinion, James," asked a slim-looking man of + his companion, "that Dr. Smith's medicine does any good?"</p> + + <p>"Not unless you follow the directions."</p> + + <p>"What are the directions?"</p> + + <p>"Keep the bottle tightly corked."</p><a name="H_0365" + id="H_0365"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MEMORY</h2> + + <p>Most of us forget to remember; it is harder, far, to + remember to forget. And the more one endeavors to forget, the + more memory insists.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you really think your memory is improving under + treatment. You remember things now?"</p> + + <p>"Well, not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can + frequently remember that I have forgotten something, if I could + only remember what it is."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A school-teacher who had been telling a class of small + pupils the story of discovery of America by Columbus, ended it + with: "And all this happened more than six hundred years + ago."</p> + + <p>A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said, after a + moment's thought: "Gee, what a memory you've got!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>A Thing Forgotten</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>White owl is not gloomy;</p> + + <p>Black bat is not sad.</p> + + <p>It is only that each has forgotten</p> + + <p>Something he used to remember:</p> + + <p>Black bat goes searching . . . searching . . . .</p> + + <p>White owl says over and over</p> + + <p>Who? What? Where?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>WALTER—"Mr. Smith's left his umbrella again. I do + believe he would leave his head if it were loose."</p> + + <p>ROBINSON—"I dare say you're right. I heard him say + only yesterday he was going to Switzerland for his lungs."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Rose, the garrulous domestic, can give you facts of + history—international, dramatic, scandalous—right + off the bat without a moment's hesitation.</p> + + <p>"How do you manage to remember all these things, Rose?" + inquired her employer the other day.</p> + + <p>Then Rose came back with the infallible rule for memory + training.</p> + + <p>"I'll tell ye, ma'am," says she. "All me life never a lie + I've told. And when ye don't have to be taxin' yer memory to be + rememberin' what ye told this one or that one, or how ye + explained this or that, ye don't overwork it and it lasts ye, + good as new, forever."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What brought you here, my man?" asked the prison + visitor.</p> + + <p>"Just plain absent-mindedness," replied the prisoner.</p> + + <p>"Why, how could that be?"</p> + + <p>"I forgot to change the engine number of the car before I + sold it."</p><a name="H_0366" + id="H_0366"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MEN</h2> + + <p>"Daughter," said the father, "your young man, Rawlings, + stays until a very late hour. Has not your mother said + something to you about this habit of his?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, father," replied the daughter sweetly. "Mother says + men haven't altered a bit."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are + immovable, those that are movable, and those that + move.—<i>Arabian proverb</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is + another woman who makes a man out of a fool.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The ideal man is as numerous as there are women to describe + him.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If a woman is an hour late in returning home, and her + husband is worried, she is flattered. If a man is three hours + late he is angry if anyone is worried.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He was fond of playing jokes on his wife, and this time he + thought he had a winner.</p> + + <p>"My dear," he said, as they sat at supper, "I just heard + such a sad story of a young girl today. They thought she was + going blind, and so a surgeon operated on her and + found—"</p> + + <p>"Yes?" gasped the wife breathlessly.</p> + + <p>"That she'd got a young man in her eye!" ended the husband, + with a chuckle.</p> + + <p>For a moment there was silence. Then the lady remarked, + slowly:</p> + + <p>"Well, it would all depend on what sort of a man it was. + Some of them she could have seen through easily enough."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little girl wrote the following composition on men:</p> + + <p>"Men are what women marry. They drink and smoke and swear, + but don't go to church. Perhaps if they wore bonnets they + would. They are more logical than women, also more zoological. + Both men and women sprang from monkeys, but the women sprang + farther than the men."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Essay on Man</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At ten, a child; at twenty, wild;</p> + + <p class="i2">At thirty, tame, if ever;</p> + + <p>At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;</p> + + <p class="i2">At sixty, good, or never!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Husbands.</p><a name="H_0367" + id="H_0367"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>METHODISTS</h2> + + <p>He came of good Methodist stock and they were telling him + about the disciples. They told him quite a lot about them, and + somehow he didn't seem quite satisfied.</p> + + <p>At last he voiced his trouble:</p> + + <p>"But were they all Disciples? Weren't there <i>any</i> + Methodists?"</p><a name="H_0368" + id="H_0368"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MIDDLEMAN</h2> + + <p>"The first shall be last and the last shall be first," + quoted the devout citizen.</p> + + <p>"It makes no difference to me how you arrange 'em," replied + the expert commercialist. "I'll get mine either way. I'm the + middleman."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pop!"</p> + + <p>"Yes, my son."</p> + + <p>"What is a gardener?"</p> + + <p>"A gardener is a man who raises a few things, my boy."</p> + + <p>"And what is a farmer?"</p> + + <p>"A man who raises a lot of things."</p> + + <p>"Well, what is a middleman, Pop?"</p> + + <p>"Why, he's a fellow who raises everything, my + son."</p><a name="H_0369" + id="H_0369"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MILITARISM</h2> + + <p>VILLAGE PACIFIST (as the Salvation Army passes)—"Oh, + it's all right. I ain't sayin' 'taint. But it's fosterin' th' + martial speerit jes' th' + same."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0370" + id="H_0370"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MILITARY DISCIPLINE</h2> + + <p>A colored gentleman was walking post for the first time in + his life. A dark form approached him.</p> + + <p>"Halt!" he cried in a threatening tone. "Who are you?"</p> + + <p>"The officer of the day."</p> + + <p>"Advance!"</p> + + <p>The O.D. advanced, but before he had proceeded half a dozen + steps the dusky sentinel again cried, "Halt!"</p> + + <p>"This is the second time you have halted me," observed the + O.D. "What are you going to do next?"</p> + + <p>"Never you mind what Ah's gonna do. Mah orders are to call + 'Halt!' three times, den shoot."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>At twelve the other night one of our aviators who had + liberty until ten-thirty was "hot-footin'" it back from a hop + harbor in a neighboring ville. He passed the tracks, the "Y," + and then started on the double past the sentry at the gate.</p> + + <p>"Halt!" commanded the sentry.</p> + + <p>"Halt nothin'," yelled the gob; "I'm two hours late + now."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The railings of a big transport on its way to France were + lined with very new soldiers when a massive gob hurried by, + bent upon some urgent duty.</p> + + <p>"Gangway! Gangway!" he shouted as he passed along the + deck.</p> + + <p>"Gee, that guy'll catch hell when they find him," murmured + one of the recruits. "They been hollerin' for him all + mornin.'"</p> + + <p>"Hollerin' for who?"</p> + + <p>"Why, that guy Gangway."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FRIEND—"How's your boy getting on in the army, Mr. + Johnson?"</p> + + <p>JOHNSON—"Wonderful! I feel a sense of great security. + An army that can make my boy get up early, work hard all day, + and go to bed early can do anything!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He was a very young officer, who looked as if he should be + wearing knee breeches.</p> + + <p>One day when his company was up for inspection at the + training camp, one of the men remarked in a tone of deep + sarcasm. "And a little child shall lead them."</p> + + <p>"The man who said that, step forward," was the immediate + command. The entire company stepped out and repeated the + quotation.</p> + + <p>The lieutenant looked up and down the line. "Dismissed," he + announced shortly.</p> + + <p>The men thought they had gotten the better of him, but not + for long, for that night at retreat when the orders for the + following day were read they heard: "There will be a + twenty-five-mile hike tomorrow with full equipment, and a + little child shall lead them—on a damned good horse."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"Have the car ready at the Admiralty at 4:30."</p> + + <p>CHAUFFEUSE—"Very well."</p> + + <p>HE—"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My + Lord!'"</p> + + <p>SHE—"I am accustomed to being addressed as 'My + Lady!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Aunt Nancy was visiting an army camp and as she approached + some rookies were sitting on their heels and then rising to a + standing position in perfect unison.</p> + + <p>"What are the boys doing now?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Why, those are the setting-up exercises," explained an + obliging sergeant.</p> + + <p>"Humph," remarked auntie. "Looks to me more like settin' + down exercises."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Passing a hand over his forehead, the worried drill-sergeant + paused for breath as he surveyed the knock-kneed recruit. Then + he pointed a scornful finger. "No," he declared, "you're + hopeless. You'll never make a soldier. Look at you now. The top + 'alf of your legs is standin' to attention, an' the bottom 'alf + is standin' at ease!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A sergeant was trying to drill a lot of raw recruits, and + after working hard for three hours he thought they seemed to be + getting into some sort of shape, so decided to test them.</p> + + <p>"Right turn!" he cried. Then, before they had ceased to + move, came another order, "Left turn!"</p> + + <p>One hoodlum left the ranks and started off toward the + barracks-room.</p> + + <p>"Here, you!" yelled the angry sergeant. "Where are you + going?"</p> + + <p>"I've had enough," replied the recruit in a disgusted tone. + "You don't know your own mind for two minutes runnin'!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The day after the second draft quota had reached Camp Devens + a rookie strolled into camp after dark. As he was going past a + sentry, he was challenged.</p> + + <p>"Who goes there?"</p> + + <p>"Machine gun 301," answered the rookie.</p> + + <p>"Advance to be recognized."</p> + + <p>"Aw, you don't know me. I've only been here a coupla + days."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How did that private ever get in here?" asked a corporal of + a captain as he looked at a boy who seemed to be a physical + weakling.</p> + + <p>"Walked in backward," said the captain, "and the guard + thought he was going out."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Remember, my son," said his mother as she bade him good-by, + "when you get to camp try to be punctual in the mornings, so as + not to keep breakfast waiting."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young American artist who has just returned from a + six-months' job of driving a British ambulance on the war-front + in Belgium brings this back, straight from the trenches:</p> + + <p>"One cold morning a sign was pushed up above the German + trench facing ours, only about fifty yards away, which bore in + large letters the words:</p> + + <p>"'GOTT MIT UNS!'</p> + + <p>"One of our cockney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, + looked at this for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of + his own, which he raised on a stick. It read:</p> + + <p>"'WE GOT MITTENS, TOO!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Who goes there?" the sentry challenged.</p> + + <p>"Lord Roberts," answered the tipsy recruit.</p> + + <p>Again the sentry put the question and received a like + answer, whereupon he knocked the offender down. When the latter + came to, the sergeant was bending over him. "See here!" said + the sergeant, "why didn't you answer right when the sentry + challenged you?"</p> + + <p>"Holy St. Patrick!" replied the recruit; "if he'd do that to + Lord Roberts, what would he do to plain Mike Flanagan?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into the "Y" hut where an + entertainment was in progress and slumped into a front + seat.</p> + + <p>Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y.M.C.A. man approached him, + saying: "Sorry, buddy, but the entire front section is reserved + for officers."</p> + + <p>Wearily the youth rose.</p> + + <p>"All right," he drawled, "but the one I just got back from + wasn't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A well-dressed stranger strolled up to a colored prisoner, + who was taking a long interval of rest between two heaves of a + pick.</p> + + <p>"Well, Sam, what crime did you commit to be put in those + overalls and set under guard?"</p> + + <p>"Ah went on a furlong, sah."</p> + + <p>"Went on a furlong? You mean you went on a furlough."</p> + + <p>"No, boss, it was a sho' nuff furlong. Ah went too fur, and + Ah stayed too long."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An officer of the A.E.F. relates the following: "We had a + bunch of negro troops on board and it was a terrible experience + to them, as most of them had never been away from home before. + They were very religious and used to pray all over the ship. + One big buck held a prayer right outside my window, thus: 'O + Lord, if Thou doesn't do another thing on this trip, call this + ocean to attention.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to + drill)—"What was your occupation before entering the + army?"</p> + + <p>ROOKIE—"Traveling salesman, sir."</p> + + <p>CAPTAIN—"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders + here."</p><a name="H_0371" + id="H_0371"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MILK</h2> + + <p>"You are charged with selling adulterated milk," said the + judge.</p> + + <p>"Your Honor, I plead not guilty."</p> + + <p>"But the testimony shows that it is 25 per cent water."</p> + + <p>"Then it must be high-grade milk," returned the plaintiff. + "If your Honor will look up the word 'milk' in your dictionary + you will find that it contains from 80 to 90 per cent water. I + should have sold it for cream!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The morning milk delivered at the parsonage was certainly + weak, and the head of the household considered it necessary to + remonstrate. "Are you aware," he remarked to the milkman, "that + we require this milk for the hitherto recognized purposes?"</p> + + <p>"I hope so, sir," replied the tradesman.</p> + + <p>"That's all right, then," returned the parson gently; "I + merely mentioned it in case you may have thought we wanted it + for the font."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>On the outskirts of Philadelphia is an admirable stock farm. + One day last summer some poor children were permitted to go + over this farm, and when their inspection was done, to each of + them was given a glass of milk. The milk was excellent.</p> + + <p>"Well, boys, how do you like it?" the farmer said, when they + had drained their glasses.</p> + + <p>"Fine," said one little fellow. Then after a pause, he + added, "I wisht our milkman kept a cow."</p><a name="H_0372" + id="H_0372"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MILLENNIUM</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>What Will We Do?</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What will we do when the good days come—</p> + + <p>When the prima donna's lips are dumb,</p> + + <p>And the man who reads us his "little things"</p> + + <p>Has lost his voice like the girl who sings;</p> + + <p>When stilled is the breath of the cornet-man,</p> + + <p>And the shrilling chords of the quartette clan;</p> + + <p>When our neighbors' children have lost their + drums</p> + + <p>Oh, what will we do when the good time comes?</p> + + <p>Oh, what will we do in that good blithe time,</p> + + <p>When the tramp will work—oh, thing + sublime!</p> + + <p>And the scornful dame who stands on your feet</p> + + <p>Will "Thank you, sir," for the profered seat;</p> + + <p>And the man you hire to work by the day,</p> + + <p>Will allow you to do his work your way;</p> + + <p>And the cook who trieth your appetite</p> + + <p>Will steal no more than she thinks is right;</p> + + <p>When the boy you hire will call you "Sir,"</p> + + <p>Instead of "Say" and "Guverner";</p> + + <p>When the funny man is humorsome—</p> + + <p>How can we stand the millennium?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Robert J. Burdette</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0373" + id="H_0373"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MILLINERS</h2> + + <p>"Madam," announced the new maid, "your husband is lying + unconscious in the reception hall, with a large box beside him + and crushing a paper in his hand."</p> + + <p>"Ah," cried her mistress in ecstacy, "my new hat has + come."</p><a name="H_0374" + id="H_0374"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MILLIONAIRES</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>The Idle Rich</i></p> + + <p>The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay, telling what + they would do if they had five million dollars.</p> + + <p>Every pupil except little William Powers began writing + immediately. William sat idle, twiddling his fingers and + watching the flies on the ceiling.</p> + + <p>Teacher collected the papers, and William handed in a blank + sheet.</p> + + <p>"How is this, William?" asked teacher. "Is this your essay? + Every other pupil has written two sheets or more, while you + have done nothing!"</p> + + <p>"Well," replied William, "that's what I would do if I were a + millionaire!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"WILLIE," asked a New York teacher of one of her pupils, + "how many make a million?"</p> + + <p>"Not many," said Willie with a grin.</p><a name="H_0375" + id="H_0375"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MINISTERS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Clergy.</p><a name="H_0376" + id="H_0376"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MISERS</h2> + + <p>Amos Whittaker, a miserly millionaire, was approached by a + friend who used his most persuasive powers to have him dress + more in accordance with his station in life.</p> + + <p>"I am surprised, Amos," said the friend "that you should + allow yourself to become shabby."</p> + + <p>"But I'm not shabby," firmly interposed the millionaire + miser.</p> + + <p>"Oh, but you are," returned his old friend. "Remember your + father. He was always neatly, even elaborately, dressed. His + clothes were always finely tailored and of the best + material."</p> + + <p>"Why," shouted the miser, triumphantly, "these clothes I've + got on were father's!"</p><a name="H_0377" + id="H_0377"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MISTAKEN IDENTITY</h2> + + <p>"No man is as well known as he thinks he is," said Caruso. + "I was motoring on Long Island recently. My car broke down, and + I entered a farmhouse to get warm. The farmer and I chatted, + and when he asked my name I told him modestly that it was + Caruso. At that name he threw up his hands.</p> + + <p>"'Caruso!' he exclaimed. 'Robinson Caruso, the great + traveler! Little did I expect ever to see a man like yer in + this here humble kitchen, sir!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUSTOMER (trying on dress suit, jokingly)—"I hope I'll + never be mistaken for a waiter."</p> + + <p>TAILOR—"When in doubt, keep your hands in your + pockets!"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman, an Englishman and a Hebrew were telling of + their strange experiences and how they were mistaken for great + men.</p> + + <p>"Would you baylave it," the Irishman said, "I was mistaken + for ex-President Roosevelt."</p> + + <p>The Englishman turned to his fellow countryman, "That's + nothing," he said, "I was once mistaken for President + Wilson."</p> + + <p>"Huh?" the Hebrew said. "I vas standing on the street corner + the other day and a cop came along and said to me, 'Holy Moses, + are you here again?'"</p><a name="H_0378" + id="H_0378"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MISTAKES</h2> + + <p>When a plumber makes a mistake, he charges time for it.</p> + + <p>When a lawyer makes a mistake, it's just what he wanted.</p> + + <p>When a carpenter makes a mistake, it's just what he + expected, because the chances are ten to one he never learned + his business.</p> + + <p>When an electrician makes a mistake, he blames it on + induction, because nobody knows what that is.</p> + + <p>When a doctor makes a mistake, he buries it.</p> + + <p>When a judge makes a mistake, it becomes the law of the + land.</p> + + <p>When a preacher makes a mistake, nobody knows the + difference.</p> + + <p>But a <i>salesman</i>—he is different; he has to be + careful; he cannot turn his mistakes into profit or blame them + on a profession.</p> + + <p>You've got to go some to be a real + <i>salesman</i>.</p><a name="H_0379" + id="H_0379"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MONEY</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If you save all you earn, you're a miser.</p> + + <p>If you spend all you earn, you're a fool.</p> + + <p>If you lose it, you're out.</p> + + <p>If you find it, you're in.</p> + + <p>If you owe it, they're always after you.</p> + + <p>If you lend it, you're always after them.</p> + + <p>It's the cause of evil.</p> + + <p>It's the cause of good.</p> + + <p>It's the cause of happiness.</p> + + <p>It's the cause of sorrow.</p> + + <p>If the government makes it, it's all right.</p> + + <p>If you make it, it's all wrong.</p> + + <p>As a rule it's hard to get.</p> + + <p>But it's pretty soft when you get it.</p> + + <p>It talks!</p> + + <p>To some it says, "I've come to stay."</p> + + <p>To others it whispers, "Good-bye."</p> + + <p>Some people get it at a bank.</p> + + <p>Others go to jail for it.</p> + + <p>The Mint makes it first.</p> + + <p>It's up to you to make it last.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Ben S. Kearns</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>GIBES—"A man's best friend, they say, is a full + pocketbook."</p> + + <p>DIBBS—"An empty one is his most constant friend, + because while others may grow cold, he will find no change in + his purse."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I gave that beggar a penny, and he didn't thank me."</p> + + <p>"No. You can't get anything for a penny now."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TODAY—"What do we care for prices? We've got the + money!"</p> + + <p>TOMORROW—"What do we care for prices? We haven't any + money!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You know," Biggs, the confirmed alarmist, declared + impressively, "it's getting so that it is positively dangerous + for a man to carry around a good-sized roll of money."</p> + + <p>"Difficult, rather than dangerous, I find," Diggs + sighed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"'S funny."</p> + + <p>"Shoot!"</p> + + <p>"Bills are rectangular, and yet they come rolling in!"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Old Silver Dollar</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How dear to my heart is the mem'ry that lingers</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the days that, alas! we shall never + see more,</p> + + <p>When clutching a large silver coin in my + fingers,</p> + + <p class="i2">I hurried along to the grocery store,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there purchased flour and bacon and coffee.</p> + + <p class="i2">And prunes in a package, and apricots + canned,</p> + + <p>Two gallons of coal-oil, a half pound of toffee,</p> + + <p class="i2">And still held some change, when I left, + in my hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">The big iron dollar</p> + + <p class="i10">The good, honest dollar,</p> + + <p class="i10">The hundred-cent dollar</p> + + <p class="i10">I clutched in my hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now, though accustomed to buying far closer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whenever in markets or stores I + appear</p> + + <p>To lay in provisions, the butcher or grocer</p> + + <p class="i2">Will glance at my dollar and quietly + sneer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At the tail of a line of more affluent buyers</p> + + <p class="i2">Awaiting my turn I must patiently + stand,</p> + + <p>For no one, as far as I gather, desires</p> + + <p class="i2">The pitiful dollar I hold in my hand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">The poor little dollar,</p> + + <p class="i10">The cheap, little dollar,</p> + + <p class="i10">The fifty-cent dollar,</p> + + <p class="i10">I hold in my hand!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"The amount of money a fellow's father has doesn't seem to + cut much figure here."</p> + + <p>"No, it's the amount of the father's money the son has."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"They say money talks."</p> + + <p>"Well?"</p> + + <p>"I wonder how that idea originated?"</p> + + <p>"Have you never noticed the lady on the dollar?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A medical paper advances the theory that "man is slightly + taller in the morning than he is in the evening." We have never + tested this, but we have certainly noticed a tendency to become + "short" toward the end of the month.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>See also Domestic finance.</p><a name="H_0380" + id="H_0380"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MONEY LENDER</h2> + + <p>A teacher of English in one of our colleges describes a + money-lender as follows:</p> + + <p>"He serves you in the present tense, lends in the + conditional mood, keeps you in the subjective, and ruins you in + the future."</p><a name="H_0381" + id="H_0381"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MORAL EDUCATION</h2> + + <p>The kindergarten teacher recited to her pupils the story of + the wolf and the lamb. As she completed it she said:</p> + + <p>"Now, children, you see that the lamb would not have been + eaten by the wolf if he had been good and sensible."</p> + + <p>One little boy raised his hand.</p> + + <p>"Well, John," asked the teacher, "what is it?"</p> + + <p>"If the lamb had been good and sensible," said the little + boy, gravely, "we should have had him to eat, wouldn't + we?"</p><a name="H_0382" + id="H_0382"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MOSQUITOES</h2> + + <p>"You told me you hadn't any mosquitoes," said the summer + boarder, reproachfully.</p> + + <p>"I hadn't," replied Farmer Corntossel. "Them you see + floatin' around come from Si Perkins's place. They ain't + mine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two Irishmen, on a sultry night, took refuge under the + bedclothes from a party of mosquitoes. At last one of them, + gasping from heat, ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks, and + espied a fire-fly which had strayed into the room. Arousing his + companion with a punch, he said: "Furgus! Furgus! it's no use; + you might as well come out; here's one of the craythers + searching for us wid a lantern."</p><a name="H_0383" + id="H_0383"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MOTHERS</h2> + + <p>Answers to the question "what is Mother?" given by + supposedly feeble-minded school children of New York:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">She's what you chop wood for.</p> + + <p class="i6">She's what feeds you.</p> + + <p class="i6">She's what put clothes and shoes on + you.</p> + + <p class="i6">She keeps care of you.</p> + + <p class="i6">She's who's good to you.</p> + + <p class="i6">She's your creator.</p> + + <p class="i6">She's what's dead on to me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Best composite portrait of a mother ever + painted.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Mother</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She loves me in spite of my faults;</p> + + <p>She overlooks my mistakes;</p> + + <p>She rejoices at my success;</p> + + <p>She weeps over my failure;</p> + + <p>She urges me on to higher endeavor,</p> + + <p>And her confidence in my ability</p> + + <p>Brings out the best that is in me.</p> + + <p>Her love has been the crowning blessing of my + life;</p> + + <p class="i6">Here's to MOTHER.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Hathaway</i>.—</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The mother, in her office, holds the key</p> + + <p>Of the soul; and she it is who stamps the coin</p> + + <p>Of character, and makes the being who would be a + savage,</p> + + <p>But for her gentle cares, a Christian man,</p> + + <p>Then crown her Queen o' the world.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"An ounce of mother," says the Spanish proverb, "is worth a + pound of clergy."—<i>T. W. Higginson</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of little + children.—<i>Thackeray</i>.</p><a name="H_0384" + id="H_0384"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MOTHERS' DAY</h2> + + <p>These "days" for doing things that you ought to do any day + are getting so numerous as to lead to curious ethical + conflicts. A boy in Sabetha, Kansas, was taken to task for + missing Sunday school one Sunday. "I wanted to come," he said, + "but Sunday was Mothers' Day and mother wanted me to go fishing + with her, so I went."</p><a name="H_0385" + id="H_0385"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MOTHERS-IN-LAW</h2> + + <p>The lady bather had got into a hole and she couldn't swim. + Nor could the young man on the end of the pier; but when she + came up for the first time and he caught sight of her face, he + could shriek, and he did. He shrieked:</p> + + <p>"Help!"</p> + + <p>A burly fisherman sauntered to his side.</p> + + <p>"Wot's up?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"There!" hoarsely cried the young man. "My wife! Drowning! I + can't swim! A hundred dollars for you if you can save her."</p> + + <p>In a moment the burly fisherman was in the sea. In another + he was out of it, with the rescued lady bather. Thanking his + lucky stars, he approached the young man again.</p> + + <p>"Well, what about the hundred bones?" he asked.</p> + + <p>But if the young man's face had been ashen gray before, now + it was dead white, as he gazed upon the features of the + recovered dame.</p> + + <p>"Y-e-s, I know!" he gasped. "But when I made the offer I + thought it was my wife who was drowning; and now—now it + turns out it was my wife's mother!"</p> + + <p>The burly fisherman pulled a long face. "Just my luck!" he + muttered, thrusting his hand into his trousers pocket. "How + much do I owe you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is your wife's mother enjoying her trip to the mountains?" + "I'm afraid not. She's found something at last that she can't + walk over."</p><a name="H_0386" + id="H_0386"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MOVING PICTURES</h2> + + <p>A recent movie comedy showed on the screen a bevy of shapely + girls disrobing for a plunge in the "old swimming-pool." They + had just taken off shoes, hats, coats and were beginning + on—a passing freight-train dashed across the screen and + obscured the view. When it had passed, the girls were + frolicking in the water.</p> + + <p>An old railroader sat through the show again and again. At + length an usher tapped him on the shoulder.</p> + + <p>"Aren't you ever going home?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I'll wait a while," was the answer. "One of these times + that train's going to be late."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Didn't anybody criticise you for filming an automobile in + ancient Babylon?"</p> + + <p>"No. But I had a dozen letters calling my attention to the + fact that the car showed a California license tag."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Moving day comes on May 1st, but every day in the year is + movie day.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SLAPSTICK DIRECTOR—"Can't you suggest a novel from + which we could adapt a comedy?"</p> + + <p>COMEDIAN—"My memory isn't very accurate, but isn't + there a book called 'Alice Threw the Looking-glass'?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MOVIE OPERATOR—"What shall I do with this film? There + is a tear in it that cuts right through the hero's nose!"</p> + + <p>CLEVER MANAGER—"Ha! just the thing! Bill it as a + feature in two parts."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROMOTER—"I have here a scheme for revamping old + films."</p> + + <p>MANAGER—"Beat it! I'm too busy refilming old + vamps."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old couple from the country wandered into a moving + picture show in town. As they entered a cow-boy picture was + being shown.</p> + + <p>The old lady laid a restraining hand on her husband's + arm.</p> + + <p>"Bill," she said, "let's not go too far down in front; the + dust those horses are kickin' up is somethin' awful. My + clothes'll be ruined!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Here's another book on <i>How to Get into the + Movies</i>."</p> + + <p>"Why on earth doesn't somebody write a book on how to get a + seat after you do get in?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. and Mrs. Todd were debating whether the movie they had + just seen was a new or old production.</p> + + <p>"The leading woman wore two or three gowns that are very + much in vogue," Mrs. Todd reminded her husband.</p> + + <p>He remained firm, however.</p> + + <p>"There wasn't any excitement when the cocktails were + served," he said.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I can," said the bashful young man to the director of the + film company, "swim, dive, run an auto, fly an aeroplane, + fence, box, shoot, ride a horse, run a motor-boat, play golf, + fight, make love, fall off cliffs, rescue heroines, play + football, die naturally, and kiss a girl."</p> + + <p>"But," interrupted the famous director, "can you + <i>act</i>?"</p> + + <p>"Alas!" muttered the would-be screen hero, "I never thought + of <i>that</i>."</p> + + <p>"Engaged," growled the director, and another screen star was + born.—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Actors and actresses; Advertising; + Signs.</p><a name="H_0387" + id="H_0387"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MULES</h2> + + <p>"Is you gwine ter let dat mewel do as he pleases?" asked + Uncle Ephraim's wife.</p> + + <p>"Wha's you will-power?"</p> + + <p>"My will-power's all right" he answered "You jes' want ter + come out hyar an' measure dis mewel's won't power."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Somewhere in France a tall negro dough-boy was trying to + pull to his feet a mule who persisted obstinately in sitting + down. The darkey tugged and strained but the mule remained + obdurate. Finally the man desisted and glaring at the mule, + remarked "As you were, mule, as you were."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's become of your chauffeur?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, he was with the regiment down in Texas and crawled + under an army mule to see why it wouldn't go."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "put in der lives kickin' at + nothin'. Bar's dis much to be said foh de mule. If he's + interested enough to kick, he's willin' to go to de trouble of + takin' aim."</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr">"<i>Love's Labor Lost</i>"</p> + + <p>Luke had been sent to the store with the mule and wagon. + What happened is told in Luke's end of the conversation over + the telephone from the store.</p> + + <p>"Gimme seb'n-'leben.</p> + + <p>"Gimme dat number quick, please 'm.</p> + + <p>"Dis yer's Luke, suh.</p> + + <p>"Dis yer's Luke, I say, suh.</p> + + <p>"I tuk de wagon to de sto' fo dat truck.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, I'm at de sto'.</p> + + <p>"Dat mule, she balk, suh.</p> + + <p>"She's balkin' in de big road, near de sto'.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, she ain' move.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, I don' think she's gwine move.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, I beat 'er.</p> + + <p>"I did beat 'er good.</p> + + <p>"She's jes' r'ar a li'l bit, suh.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, she kick, too.</p> + + <p>"She jes' bus' de whiffletree li'l bit, suh.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, dat mule won't lead.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, I tried it.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, jes' bit <i>at</i> me.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs.</p> + + <p>"I tickle um las' year, suh, once.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, I ain' done it.</p> + + <p>"Who done it?</p> + + <p>"I t'ink he's li'l travelin' man f'um Boston, suh. He twis' + 'er tail.</p> + + <p><i>"Yas, suh! She sho' did!</i></p> + + <p>"Right spang in de face, suh.</p> + + <p>"Dey's got 'im at de sto'.</p> + + <p>"Dey say he's comin' to, suh.</p> + + <p>"I don' know—he do look mighty sleepy to me, suh.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, we tried dat.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, we built a fire under 'er.</p> + + <p>"No, suh, dat ain' make 'er go.</p> + + <p>"She jes' move up li'l bit, suh.</p> + + <p>"Yas, suh, de wagon bu'n right up. Dat's whut I'm + telephonin' yu 'bout—to ast yu please sen' a wagon to + hitch up to dis yer mule. She ain' gwine budge lessen she's + hitched up. Good-by, suh."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Ephum Johnson was up before Judge Shimmerplate on a cruelty + to animals charge.</p> + + <p>"Deed Ah wasn't abusing dat mule, judge," the old man + demurred.</p> + + <p>"Did you not strike it repeatedly with a club?"</p> + + <p>"Yassah."</p> + + <p>"And do you not know that you can accomplish more with + animals by speaking to them?"</p> + + <p>"Yassah; but this critter am different. He am so deef he + can't hear me when Ah speaks to him in de usual way, so Ah has + to communicate wid him in de sign language."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On mules we find two legs behind</p> + + <p class="i2">And two we find before;</p> + + <p>We stand behind before we find</p> + + <p class="i2">What the two behind stand for!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A teacher was instructing a class in English and called on a + small boy named Jimmy Brown.</p> + + <p>"James," she said, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride + the mule if he wants to.'"</p> + + <p>"Now," continued the teacher when Jimmy had finished + writing, "can you find a better form for that sentence?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am, I think I can," was the prompt answer. + "'Richard can ride the mule if the mule wants him to.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A mule-skinner in France was trying to drive a mule, with a + wagon load, through a hospital gate. The mule would do anything + but pass through the gate.</p> + + <p>"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the hospital + orderlies.</p> + + <p>"No," replied the driver; "but I'd like to know how Noah got + two of these blighters into the Ark!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why don't you get rid of that mule?" asked one Virginia + darky of another.</p> + + <p>"Well, yo' see, Jim," replied the other, "I hates to give + in. Ef I was to trade dat mule off he'd regard it as a pussunal + victory. He's been tryin' fo' de last six weeks to get rid of + me."</p><a name="H_0388" + id="H_0388"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MUSHROOMS</h2> + + <p>Johnny Jones, you know, was studying botany, and he declared + that he had an infallible way to tell the difference between + mushrooms and toadstools.</p> + + <p>"When you git vi'lent spasms," said little Johnny, "with + cramps, swelling of the feet and partial loss of vision ending + in insanity and death—then it ain't + mushrooms."</p><a name="H_0389" + id="H_0389"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MUSIC</h2> + + <p>HE—"Most girls, I have found, don't appreciate real + music."</p> + + <p>SECOND HE—"Why do you say that?"</p> + + <p>HE—"Well, you may pick beautiful strains on a mandolin + for an hour, and she won't even look out of the window, but + just one honk of a horn and—out she comes!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Music is the language of the soul; jazz is its + profanity.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How do you sell your music?"</p> + + <p>"We sell piano music by the pound and organ music by the + choir."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Samantha, what's thet chune the orchestry's a-playin' + now?"</p> + + <p>"The program says its 'Choppin', Hiram."</p> + + <p>"Waal—mebbe—but ter me it sounds a deal more + like sawin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to + exactly sixty seconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to + its name. Mme. Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played + the "Minute Waltz" as an encore, first telling her audience + what it was. Thereupon a huge man in a large riding suit took + out an immense silver watch, held it open almost under her + nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. The pianist's fingers + flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewarded when the man + closed the watch with a loud slap and said in a booming voice: + "Gosh! She's done it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. NEWRICHE—"I believe our next-door neighbors on + the right are as poor as church mice, Hiram."</p> + + <p>MR. NEWRICHE—"What makes you think so?"</p> + + <p>MRS. NEWRICHE—"Why, they can't afford one of them + mechanical piano-players; the daughter is taking lessons by + hand."—<i>Puck</i>.</p><a name="H_0390" + id="H_0390"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>MUSICIANS</h2> + + <p>"Excuse me," said the detective as he presented himself at + the door of the music academy, "but I hope you'll give me what + information you have, and not make any fuss."</p> + + <p>"What do you mean?" was the indignant inquiry.</p> + + <p>"Why, you see, we got a tip from the house next door that + somebody was murdering Wagner, and the chief sent me down here + to work on the case."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Pianist Rachmaninoff told in his New York flat the other day + a story about his boyhood.</p> + + <p>"When I was a very little fellow," he said, "I played at a + reception at a Russian count's, and, for an urchin of seven, I + flatter myself that I swung through Beethoven's 'Kreutzer + Sonata' pretty successfully.</p> + + <p>"The 'Kreutzer,' you know, has in it several long and + impressive rests. Well, in one of these rests the count's wife, + a motherly old lady, leaned forward, patted me on the shoulder, + and said:</p> + + <p>"'Play us something you know, dear.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There was nobody who could play the violin like + Smifkins—at least so he thought—and he was + delighted when he was asked to play at a local function.</p> + + <p>"Sir," he said to the host, "the instrument I shall use at + your gathering is over two hundred years old."</p> + + <p>"Oh, that's all right! Never mind," returned the host; "no + one will ever know the difference."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MUSICAL STUDENT—"That piece you just played is by + Mozart, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>HURDY-GURDY MAN—"No, by Handel."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a + Boston suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who + called:</p> + + <p>"Shine?"</p> + + <p>The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was + streaked with grime and said:</p> + + <p>"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you + a quarter."</p> + + <p>"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a + neighboring trough and made his ablutions.</p> + + <p>When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the + boy took but immediately handed back, saying:</p> + + <p>"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair + cut."</p><a name="H_0391" + id="H_0391"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NAMES, PERSONAL</h2> + + <p>"Why do you call the baby Bill?"</p> + + <p>"He was born on the first of the month."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In an Ohio town is a colored man whose last name is + Washington.</p> + + <p>Heaven has blest him with three sons.</p> + + <p>When the first son arrived the father named him George + Washington. In due time the second son came. Naturally he was + christened Booker Washington. When the third man child was born + his parent was at a loss, at first, for a name for him. Finally + tho, he hit on a suitable selection.</p> + + <p>The third son, if he lives, will go through life as Spokane + Washington.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Aunt Lindy had brought around her three grandchildren for + her mistress to see. The three little darkies, in calico + smocks, stood squirming in line while Lindy proudly surveyed + them.</p> + + <p>"What are their names, Lindy?" her mistress asked.</p> + + <p>"Dey's name' after flowers, ma'am. Ah name' 'em. De bigges' + one's name' Gladiola. De nex' one, she name' Heliotrope."</p> + + <p>"Those are very pretty," her mistress said. "What is the + littlest one named?"</p> + + <p>"She name' Artuhficial, ma'am."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>William Williams hated nicknames. He used to say that most + fine given names were ruined by abbreviations, which was a sin + and a shame. "I myself," he said, "am one of six brothers. We + were all given good, old-fashioned Christian names, but all + those names were shortened into meaningless or feeble + monosyllables by our friends. I shall name my children so that + it will be impracticable to curtail their names."</p> + + <p>The Williams family, in the course of time, was blessed with + five children, all boys. The eldest was named after the + father—William. Of course, that would be shortened to + "Will" or enfeebled to "Willie"—but wait! A second son + came and was christened Willard. "Aha!" chuckled Mr. Williams. + "Now everybody will have to speak the full names of each of + these boys in order to distinguish them."</p> + + <p>In pursuance of this scheme the next three sons were named + Wilbert, Wilfred, and Wilmont.</p> + + <p>They are all big boys now. And they are respectively known + to their intimates as Bill, Skinny, Butch, Chuck, and Kid.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Aunt Liza's former mistress was talking to her one morning, + when suddenly she discovered a little pickaninny standing shyly + behind his mother's skirts. "Is this your little boy, Aunt + Liza?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes, miss; dat's Prescription."</p> + + <p>"Goodness, what a funny name, auntie, for a child! How in + the world did you happen to call him that?"</p> + + <p>"Ah simply calls him dat becuz Ah has sech hahd wuk gettin' + him filled."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BREATHLESS VISITOR—"Doctor, can you help me? My name + is Jones—"</p> + + <p>DOCTOR—"No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for + that."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A chauffeur had applied for a position with a new-rich + family which aspired to be considered "top-notch" socially, and + was being interviewed by the mistress of the house.</p> + + <p>"We call all our servants by their last names," she + announced. "What is your last name?"</p> + + <p>"You had best call me Thomas, ma'am," replied the + applicant.</p> + + <p>"No, we insist that you be willing to be called by your last + name. Otherwise you won't do at all."</p> + + <p>"Oh, I'm willing, ma'am, but I don't think the family would + like to use it."</p> + + <p>"What is your last name then?" said his prospective + employer, somewhat coldly and as though she expected a + revelation of international scandal.</p> + + <p>"Darling, ma'am—Thomas Darling."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A little colored girl, a newcomer in Sunday-school, gave her + name to the teacher as "Fertilizer Johnson." Later the teacher + asked the child's mother if that was right.</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am, dat's her name," said the fond parent. "You + see, she was named fer me and her father. Her father's name am + Ferdinand and my name is Liza. So we named her Fertilizer."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LITTLE JOHNNY—"Dad, there's a girl at our school whom + we call Postscript."</p> + + <p>DAD—"Postscript? What do you call her Postscript + for?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE JOHNNY—"Cos her name is Adeline Moore."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GRIGGS—"When I don't catch the name of the person I've + been introduced to, I ask if it's spelled with an 'e' or an + 'i.' It generally works, too."</p> + + <p>BRIGGS—"I used to try that dodge myself until I was + introduced to a young lady at a party. When I put the question + about the 'e' or 'i,' she flushed angrily and wouldn't speak to + me the whole evening."</p> + + <p>"What was her name?"</p> + + <p>"I found out later it was—Hill."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST LITTLE GIRL—"What's your last name, Annie?"</p> + + <p>SECOND LITTLE GIRL—"Don't know yet; I ain't + married."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Spell your name!" said the court clerk sharply. The witness + began: "O double T, I, double U, E, double L, + double—"</p> + + <p>"Begin again! begin again!" ordered the clerk.</p> + + <p>The witness repeated: "O, double T, I, double U, E, double + L, double U, double O—"</p> + + <p>"Your honor," roared the clerk, "I beg that this man be + committed for contempt of court!"</p> + + <p>"What is your name?" asked the judge.</p> + + <p>"My name, your honor, is Ottiwell Wood, and I spell it O, + double T, I, double U, E, double L, double U, double O, + D."—<i>Literary Digest</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is Mr. Smith in the audience?" broke forth the presiding + officer. "I am informed that his house is afire."</p> + + <p>Forty men sprang to their feet.</p> + + <p>"It is the house of Mr. John Smith," added the chairman.</p> + + <p>"Thank goodness!" fervently exclaimed one man, resuming his + seat.—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p><a name="H_0392" + id="H_0392"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NATIONALITY</h2> + + <p>"But are you an American citizen?" angrily demanded the + official at the passport office.</p> + + <p>"My mother was American"—began the applicant.</p> + + <p>"Yes, yes"—</p> + + <p>"But she married a Frenchman"—</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"In Italy."</p> + + <p>"Yes; but where were you born?"</p> + + <p>"I was born on a ship flying Spanish colors while she was + lying at anchor in Honolulu Harbor, but my parents died in + Brazil when I was only four years old and I was adopted by a + Chinaman, who brought me up in Russia"—</p> + + <p>"Well, he's"—began an official.</p> + + <p>"He's a bloomin' League of Nations!" exploded the official + who had first spoken.</p><a name="H_0393" + id="H_0393"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NATURAL LAWS</h2> + + <p>CHARLIE—"What you say just goes in one ear and out the + other."</p> + + <p>JOHNNY—"Impossible!"</p> + + <p>"Why?"</p> + + <p>"Sound can't cross a vacuum, you know, old fellow."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Say, dad, what keeps us from falling off the earth when we + are upside down?"</p> + + <p>"Why, the law of gravity, of course."</p> + + <p>"Well, how did folks stay on before the law was + passed?"</p><a name="H_0394" + id="H_0394"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NEGROES</h2> + + <p>Miss Annette Benton, on returning from a visit, brought a + gift to each of her mother's colored servants. It was the "day + out" for Lily, the housemaid, so Annette distributed her gifts, + reserving for Lily a scarlet-silk blouse.</p> + + <p>"That won't do," said Mrs. Benton. "Lily's in mourning."</p> + + <p>"Mourning?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, for her husband; he died in jail, and Lily's wearing a + long crape veil."</p> + + <p>When Lily returned, her young mistress expressed regret. + "I'll give the blouse to Lizzie," she said, "and get you + something else."</p> + + <p>Lily looked at the blouse, then she swallowed. "Don't you + give that blouse to no Lizzie, Miss Annette, cos nex' mont' + I'se gwine outa mournin' from the waist + up."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"G'wan, nigger, you-all ain't got no sense nohow."</p> + + <p>"Ain't got no sense? Whut's dis yere haid for?"</p> + + <p>"Dat thing? Dat ain't no haid, nigger; dat's jes er button + on top er yo body ter keep yer backbone from unravelin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OLD DARKY (to shiftless son)—"I hearn tell you is + married. Is you?"</p> + + <p>SON (ingratiatingly)—"I ain't sayin' I ain't."</p> + + <p>OLD DARKY (severely)—"I ain't ask you is you ain't; I + ask you ain't you is."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARSON BLACK (sternly)—"Did you come by dat + watehmelyun honestly, Bruddeh Bingy?"</p> + + <p>THE MELON TOTER—"'Deed I did, pahson; ebry day fo' + nigh on two weeks!"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Minneapolis laundress, a negro woman, patriotic supporter + of the Red Cross, was among the thousands who witnessed a + recent Red Cross parade in the Mill City in which fifteen + thousand white-clad women participated. In telling a Red Cross + worker how she liked it, she said:</p> + + <p>"Lawdy, missus, it suttinly was a gran' spectacle. Nevah in + mah whole life did I see so much washin' at one time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a darky committing + suicide?" inquired the Northerner.</p> + + <p>"Well, you see, it's disaway, boss: When a white pusson has + any trouble he sets down an' gits to studyin' 'bout it an' + a-worryin'. Then firs' thing you know he's done killed hisse'f. + But when a nigger sets down to think 'bout his troubles, why, + he jes' natcherly goes to sleep!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"No, sah," said the aged colored man to the reporter who'd + asked if he had ever seen President Lincoln. "Ah used to + 'member seein' Massa Linkum, but since Ah j'ined de church Ah + doan 'member seein' him no mo'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Psychiatric Board was testing the mentality of a + thick-lipped, weak-faced Negro soldier. Among other questions, + the specialist asked, "Do you ever hear voices without being + able to tell who is speaking, or where the sound comes + from?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, suh," answered the negro.</p> + + <p>"When does this occur?"</p> + + <p>"When I'se talkin' over de telephone."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Alabama darky, who prided himself on being able to play + any tune on the banjo after he had heard it once, perched + himself on the side of a hill one Sunday morning and began to + pick the strings in a workman-like manner.</p> + + <p>It chanced that the minister came along. Going up to Moses, + he demanded harshly, "Moses, do you know the Ten + Commandments?"</p> + + <p>Moses scratched his chin for a moment, and then, in an + equally harsh voice, said:</p> + + <p>"Parson, yo' don't think yo' kin beat me do yo'? Jest yo' + whistle the first three or four bars, an' I'll have a try at + it."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One day Miss Maria Thompson Daviess, the author, walked down + a street in Nashville. The street was crowded with Negroes, who + were forming in a line for a parade.</p> + + <p>"What's the occasion for the parade, Tom?" she asked of a + boy.</p> + + <p>The boy looked at her with a grin.</p> + + <p>"La, Miss Daviess," he replied, "don' you-all know colored + folks well 'nough to know dat dey don' need no 'casion foh a + p'rade?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old doctor was making a call on a colored family. While + talking to the patient he was continually interrupted by a + crying baby, which sat on the floor and grumbled and whined + continually. Finally, the mother picked the child up.</p> + + <p>"Auntie," said the doctor, "your baby seems badly + spoiled."</p> + + <p>"No, suh! No, suh!" remonstrated the mother. "All little + cullud babies smell dat way!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Chicken stealing.</p><a name="H_0395" + id="H_0395"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NEIGHBORS</h2> + + <p>"But I don't know you, madam," the bank cashier said to the + woman who had presented a check.</p> + + <p>The woman, however, instead of saying haughtily, "I do not + wish your acquaintance, sir," merely replied, with an engaging + smile:</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, you do, I think. I'm the 'red-headed old virago' + next door to you, whose scoundrelly little boys are always + reaching through the fence and picking your flowers. When you + started for town this morning your wife said: 'Now, Henry, if + you want a dinner fit to eat this evening you'll have to leave + me a little money. I can't keep this house on plain water and + sixpence a day.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Christianity teaches us to love our neighbor as ourself; + modern society acknowledges no + neighbor.—<i>Beaconsfield</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm quite a near neighbor of yours now," said Mr. Bore.</p> + + <p>"I'm living just across the river."</p> + + <p>"Indeed," replied Miss Smart. "I hope you'll drop in some + day."</p><a name="H_0396" + id="H_0396"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NEW JERSEY</h2> + + <p>Misunderstandings with New Jersey people are sure to result + if visitors mistake chicken wire for mosquito + netting.</p><a name="H_0397" + id="H_0397"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NEW YORK CITY</h2> + + <p>Mr. Edmund Hornung was in New York several days over + Sunday.</p> + + <p>That's where they travel fast, I'm telling you.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SILAS (in a whisper)—"Did you git a peep at the + underworld at all while you wuz in New York, Ezry?"</p> + + <p>EZRA—"Three times! Subway twice an' ratscellar + once."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I see New York did considerable begging for one of those + reserve banks."</p> + + <p>"What of it?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, nothing, New York used to dictate."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUBIST TEACHER—"Can anyone give an impressionistic + definition of New York?"</p> + + <p>BRIGHT PUPIL—"A small body of limousines almost + entirely surrounded by Fords."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST SOUTHERNER—"Were you in New York long enough to + feel at home?"</p> + + <p>SECOND SOUTHERNER—"Yes, sir; why, I got so I could + keep my seat in the cars with a lady standing and not even + think about it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Ohio newspaper editor spent a few days in New York, and + while there somebody asked him how he liked the big town.</p> + + <p>"I care for it very little," replied the editor. "Did you + ever think of this: Suppose you lived in New York and wanted to + go fishing. Where would you go to dig a can of worms?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I hear you want a room clerk."</p> + + <p>"No, we never have any rooms. What we want is a clerk who + can satisfy people in assigning them to billiard tables, + telephone booths and cots in the halls."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The surging crowd along Broadway</p> + + <p>Was stirred so strangely yesterday.</p> + + <p>It stood on tiptoe, eyes aglow,</p> + + <p>It stared, and turned to whisper low</p> + + <p>Of wonders such as seldom pass</p> + + <p>That way. What swayed the living mass?</p> + + <p>What marvel from the fabled isles</p> + + <p>That drew the eye from Paris styles?</p> + + <p>A street car left the track perhaps?</p> + + <p>Two bootblacks nabbed for shooting craps?</p> + + <p>A fire to call the engines out?</p> + + <p>A skidding auto turned about?</p> + + <p>A homebrew Bacchus' raisin dance?</p> + + <p>At these perhaps the crowd would glance</p> + + <p>But never act like this at all.</p> + + <p>Amazed, I asked a copper tall</p> + + <p>And broad, and heard at last;</p> + + <p>A horse and buggy just went past.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Roland D. Johnson</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>An English novelist took his first look at Broadway aflame + with light. He read the flashing and leaping signs and said: + "How much more wonderful it would be for a man who couldn't + read."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNCLE EZRA—"Eph Hoskins must have had some time down + in New York."</p> + + <p>UNCLE EBEN—"Yep. Reckon he traveled a mighty swift + pace. Eph's wife said that when Eph got back and went into his + room he looked at the bed, kicked it, and said, 'What's that + darn thing for?"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>After Mark Twain had been in New York for five years, he + wrote to his folks back home that he was the loneliest man in + the world!</p> + + <p>"What!" exclaimed his people, "in New York <i>and + lonely</i>!"</p> + + <p>"Yes," wrote Mark; "I'm the only man in this town that + doesn't touch a drop."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TEACHER—"Do you know the population of New York?"</p> + + <p>MAMIE BACKROW—"Not all of them, ma'am, but then, we've + only lived here two + years."—<i>Puck</i>.</p><a name="H_0398" + id="H_0398"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NEWSBOYS</h2> + + <p>NEWSBOY—"Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, + mister?"</p> + + <p>PASSER-BY—"Here, boy, I'll take one." (After reading a + moment.) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. + Where is it?"</p> + + <p>NEWSBOY—"That's the mystery, guvnor. You're the + fifty-first victim."</p><a name="H_0399" + id="H_0399"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NEWSPAPERS</h2> + + <p>APPLICANT—"I'm ready to begin at the bottom, sir."</p> + + <p>NEWSPAPER PROPRIETOR—"Well, what's your idea?"</p> + + <p>"To start first with the leading editorials and gradually + work myself up to the sporting page."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Never state as a fact anything you are not certain about," + the great editor warned the new reporter, "or you will get us + into libel suits. In such cases use the words, 'alleged,' + 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on."</p> + + <p>And then this paragraph appeared in the society notes of the + paper:</p> + + <p>"It is rumored that a card party was given yesterday by a + number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, gossip says, was hostess. + It is alleged that the guests with the exception of Mrs. + Bellinger, who says she hails from Leavitt's Junction, were all + from here. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Archibald Smith, + the so-called 'Honest Man' trading on Key Street."</p> + + <p>And when the editor had read the report a whirling mass + claiming to be the reporter was projected through the window + and struck the street with a dull thud.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>REPORTER—"Madam, you may recollect that we printed + yesterday your denial of having retracted the contradiction of + your original statement. Would you care to have us say that you + were misquoted in regard to it."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>As any reporter will tell you, the only place in a newspaper + office where real toil is done is the city room. Imagine our + pleasure when we overheard one of the office boys saying: "When + I first came here I thought it was called the 'sitting room.' I + said something about the sitting room one day to the city + editor, and I thought he was going to throw me down the + elevator shaft."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Can you make anything out of the news from Europe?"</p> + + <p>"Easiest thing in the world. I only read the newspapers + every other day. In this way I get a connected story of our + side or the other and avoid the + denials."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ENGLISH NEWSIE (selling extras)—"Better 'ave one and + read about it now, sir; it might be contradicted in the + morning."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The reporter was sent to write up a charity ball. His copy + came in late and it was careless. The editor reproved him the + next day by quoting an extract:</p> + + <p>"Look here, Scribbler, what do you mean by this, 'Among the + most beautiful girls was Alderman Horatio Dingley'? Old Dingley + ain't a girl, you idiot! He's one of our principal + shareholders."</p> + + <p>"I can't help that," returned the realistic reporter, + "that's where he was."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Earth's last paper is finished and the type is + scrambled and pied,</p> + + <p>When the roar of the press becomes fainter and + sheets are folded and dried;</p> + + <p>We shall rest, and Faith, we shall need it, for the + way has been weary and long,</p> + + <p>And oft have we heard that chestnut, "Young man, you + have quoted me wrong."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>The cub reporter was grinding out a marriage notice. Finally + he brought it up and laid it on the city editor's desk:</p> + + <p>"Mr. and Mrs. Blank announce today the marriage of their + daughter to take place next Monday—"</p> + + <p>"Huh," grunted the editor, "you can't say they announced a + marriage yet to take place."</p> + + <p>Again the cub jabbed away at his typewriter. And when he + brought it back this time it read:</p> + + <p>"Mr. and Mrs. Blank predicted today the marriage of their + daughter."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How many revolutions does the earth make in a day? It's + your turn, Willie Smith."</p> + + <p>"You can't tell, teacher, till you see the morning + paper."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Editors.</p><a name="H_0400" + id="H_0400"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>"NO"</h2> + + <p>No is one of the smallest words in the English language, and + yet—</p> + + <p>It has brought about more heartaches than the war.</p> + + <p>It has caused more children to shed tears than all the + spankings in the world put together.</p> + + <p>It has saved more money for individuals with backbone than a + year's output of padlocks.</p> + + <p>It has made itself Prohibition's greatest aid.</p> + + <p>It has killed genius and thwarted ambition. It has turned + love into hate and success into failure.</p> + + <p>It has kept kings off thrones and poets out of Arcadia.</p> + + <p>It has caused good men to tremble and scoundrels to + rejoice.</p> + + <p>Will it ever make a change for the better?</p> + + <p>No.</p><a name="H_0401" + id="H_0401"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NOTHING</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mysterious Nothing! how shall I define</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy shapeless, baseless, placeless + emptiness?</p> + + <p>Nor form, nor colour, sound, nor size is thine,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor words nor fingers can thy voice + express;</p> + + <p>But though we cannot thee to aught compare,</p> + + <p class="i2">A thousand things to thee may likened + be,</p> + + <p>And though thou art with nobody nowhere,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet half mankind devote themselves to + thee.</p> + + <p>How many books thy history contain;</p> + + <p class="i2">How many heads thy mighty plans + pursue;</p> + + <p>What labouring hands thy portion only gain;</p> + + <p class="i2">What busy bodies thy doings only do!</p> + + <p>To thee the great, the proud, the giddy bend,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—like my sonnet—all in + nothing end.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Richard Parson</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0402" + id="H_0402"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>NURSES</h2> + + <p>FREDDIE—"Are you the trained nurse mama said was + coming?"</p> + + <p>NURSE—"Yes, dear; I'm the trained nurse."</p> + + <p>FREDDIE—"Let's see some of your tricks, + then!"</p><a name="H_0403" + id="H_0403"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OBEDIENCE</h2> + + <p>A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience + from her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent + her little son John to close the trap leading to the flat roof + of the house.</p> + + <p>"But mother," began John.</p> + + <p>"John, I told you to shut the trap."</p> + + <p>"Yes, but mother—"</p> + + <p>"John, shut that trap."</p> + + <p>"All right, mother, if you say so—but—"</p> + + <p>"John!"</p> + + <p>Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. + Two hours later the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, + who was staying with the mother, did not appear. The mother, + quite anxious, exclaimed, "Where can Aunt Mary be?"</p> + + <p>"I know," John answered triumphantly, "she is on the + roof."</p><a name="H_0404" + id="H_0404"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OBESITY</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Corpulence.</p><a name="H_0405" + id="H_0405"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OBITUARIES</h2> + + <p>Upon the recent death in a Western town of a politician, + who, at one time, served his country in a very high legislative + place, a number of newspaper men were collaborating on an + obituary notice.</p> + + <p>"What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the + men.</p> + + <p>"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his + trust."</p> + + <p>"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we + mention the name of the trust?"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Epitaphs.</p><a name="H_0406" + id="H_0406"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OCCUPATIONS</h2> + + <p>PAPA—"But hasn't your fiancé got a job?"</p> + + <p>DAUGHTER—"Not yet, but he's going to get one at + $25,000 a year."</p> + + <p>PAPA—"Indeed! Glad to hear of it! What is he + doing?"</p> + + <p>DAUGHTER—"Well, he read in the paper of some man who + is paid $50,000 a year by the Bankers' Association not to forge + checks, and George is going to do it for half that."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE COP—"The driver of a hearse asked me just now + which was the way to the cemetery, and I told him."</p> + + <p>THE CAPTAIN—"Don't do it again. You're being paid as a + policeman, not as a funeral director."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What are you going to make of your son Charley?" I + asked.</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Charley's father, "I made a doctor of Bob, a + lawyer of Ralph, and a minister of Bert; and Joe is a literary + man. I think I'll make a laboring man of Charley. I want one of + them to have a little money."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Other Fellow's Job</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I seldom quarrel with the universe;</p> + + <p class="i2">Things could be better, could be better + far.</p> + + <p>But, on the other hand, they could be + worse—</p> + + <p class="i2">And so I rather leave them as they + are.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But one thing though, could easily be done:</p> + + <p class="i2">If Bill could only make a trade with + Bob</p> + + <p>The world would be so glad—if everyone</p> + + <p class="i2">Could only have the other fellow's + job!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The other fellow surely has a snap!</p> + + <p class="i2">If at a desk he works, he needn't + roam,</p> + + <p>He needn't wander up and down the map—</p> + + <p class="i2">He knows the joy and comfort of a + home.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Or if the other fellow something sells</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the road, a lucky man is + he—</p> + + <p>To see the country, live at good hotels,</p> + + <p class="i2">And have a job with some variety.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The other fellow!—luckiest of men!—</p> + + <p class="i2">Here's where creation surely made a + slip:</p> + + <p>The fellow on the road should push a pen,</p> + + <p class="i2">The fellow at a desk should tote a + grip.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We never shall be happy, truly glad,</p> + + <p class="i2">We never shall be really comforted,</p> + + <p>Until we trade the job we've always had</p> + + <p class="i2">And get the other fellow's job + instead.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I see no other way to do—unless</p> + + <p class="i2">We might do this: Forget a little + while</p> + + <p>The easy jobs that other men possess,</p> + + <p class="i2">Get busy with your own, and with a + smile.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For after all, they're not so different:</p> + + <p class="i2">Each has its time of laughter and of + sob,</p> + + <p>But each the joy of service. Be content—</p> + + <p class="i2">Your job's as good as any fellow's + job.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MISTRESS (to butler)—"Why is it, John, every time I + come home I find you sleeping?"</p> + + <p>"Well, ma'am, it's this way: I don't like to be a-doing + <i>nothing</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LAZY MIKE—"I have a new position with the railroad + company."</p> + + <p>WEARY RHODES—"What ja gona do?"</p> + + <p>LAZY MIKE—"You know the fellow that goes alongside the + train and taps the axles to see if everything's all right? + Well, I help him listen."</p><a name="H_0407" + id="H_0407"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OCEAN TRAVEL</h2> + + <p>"Terribly rough, isn't it?" said the stranger on the ocean + liner.</p> + + <p>"Wal," replied the man from the farm, "'twouldn't be so + rough if the cap'n would only keep in the furrows!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck + fittings had already been swept overboard when the captain + decided to send up a signal of distress. But hardly had the + rocket burst over the ship when a solemn-faced passenger + stepped on to the bridge. "Captain," he said, "I'd be the last + man on earth to cast a damper on any man, but it seems to me + that this is no time for letting off fireworks."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PASSENGER (after first night on board ship)—"I say, + where have all my clothes vanished to?"</p> + + <p>STEWARD—"Where did you put them last night?"</p> + + <p>PASSENGER—"I folded them up carefully and put them in + that cupboard over there."</p> + + <p>STEWARD—"I see no cupboard, sir."</p> + + <p>PASSENGER—"Are you blind, man? I mean that one with + the round glass door to it."</p> + + <p>STEWARD—"Lor' bless me, sir; that ain't no cupboard. + That's the porthole."</p><a name="H_0408" + id="H_0408"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OFFICE BOYS</h2> + + <p>Boss—"Can't you find something to do?"</p> + + <p>OFFICE BOY—"Gee whiz: Am I expected to do the work and + find it, too?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of + lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and + Tommy, the office boy, comes in for his full share of the + admonition. That his words were appreciated was made evident to + the lawyer by a conversation between Tommy and another office + boy on the same floor, which he recently overheard.</p> + + <p>"Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy.</p> + + <p>"Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy.</p> + + <p>"Aw, g'wan!"</p> + + <p>"Sure," insisted Tommy, unabashed. "Four dollars a week in + cash an' de rest in legal advice."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I can't keep the visitors from coming up," said the office + boy, dejectedly, to the president. "When I say you're out they + simply say they must see you."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the president, "just tell them that's what they + all say."</p> + + <p>That afternoon there called at the office a young lady. The + boy assured her it was impossible to see the president.</p> + + <p>"But I'm his wife," said the lady.</p> + + <p>"Oh, that's what they all say," said the boy.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Into the office of a business man rushed a bright faced lad. + For three minutes he waited and then began, to show signs of + impatience.</p> + + <p>"Excuse me, sir," he said at length, "I'm in a hurry."</p> + + <p>"Well, what do you want?" asked the business man.</p> + + <p>"A job!"</p> + + <p>"But why the hurry?"</p> + + <p>"Got to hurry," replied the lad briefly. "Left school + yesterday, and haven't struck anything suitable yet. The only + place where I can stay long is where they pay me for it."</p> + + <p>"How much do you want?"</p> + + <p>"Fifteen dollars a week for a start."</p> + + <p>"And when can you come?"</p> + + <p>"Don't need to come; I'm here. I could have been at work + five minutes ago if you'd only said so."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BOSS (to new boy)—"You're the slowest youngster we've + ever had. Aren't you quick at anything?"</p> + + <p>BOY—"Yes, sir; nobody can get tired as quickly as I + can."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A small boy went into a business office that displayed a + sign, "Boy Wanted."</p> + + <p>"What kind of a boy does youse want?" he asked of the + manager.</p> + + <p>"Why, a decent boy," said the manager. "One who is quick, + doesn't swear, smoke cigarettes, whistle round the office, + shoot craps—"</p> + + <p>"Aw, gee, boss," interrupted the boy, "youse don't want a + boy; youse wants a girl."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How does your boy Josh like his job in the city?"</p> + + <p>"First-rate," replied the father. "He knows more about the + business than the man that owns it."</p> + + <p>"Who told you that?"</p> + + <p>"Josh did. All he's got to do now is to convince the boss of + it, an' git promoted."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why, look here," said the merchant who was in need of a + boy, "aren't you the same boy who was in here a week ago?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir," said the applicant.</p> + + <p>"I thought so. And didn't I tell you then that I wanted an + older boy?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir. That's why I'm back. I'm older + now."</p><a name="H_0409" + id="H_0409"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OFFICE-SEEKERS</h2> + + <p>Mayor Mitchel of New York was talking at a dinner about + office-seekers.</p> + + <p>"A good man had just died," he said, "and with unseemly + haste an office-seeker came after his job.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir, tho the dead man hadn't been buried, yet this + office-seeker came to me and said, breathlessly:</p> + + <p>"'Mr. Mayor, do you see any objection to my being put in + poor Tom Smith's place?'</p> + + <p>"'Why, no,' said I. 'Why, no, I see no objection, if the + undertaker doesn't.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>No matter how hard a man runs for office he is perfectly + satisfied to win in a walk.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There is seldom a collision between the office seeking the + man and the man seeking the office.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"There goes a fellow who chased around for years trying to + land a political job."</p> + + <p>"Well, what does he do now?"</p> + + <p>"Nothing—he's got the job."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Uncle Mose aspired to the elective office of justice of the + peace in the "black bottom" part of town. One bar there was to + his preferment: he could neither read nor write. His master + advised him to go to the commissioner of elections and ask + whether he was eligible. Mose went and returned.</p> + + <p>"What did he tell you, Mose?" inquired the master.</p> + + <p>"It's all right, sah," answered Mose; "dat gen'lemun + suttinly was kind, yas, suh. He tole me Ah was illegible fo' + dat office."</p><a name="H_0410" + id="H_0410"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OFFICERS</h2> + + <p>OFFICER—"I ketched this here mut pinchin' bananas off + a fruit-stand."</p> + + <p>MAGISTRATE—"Aha! 'personating an officer! Two + years."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>COMMANDER—"What's his character apart from this + leave-breaking?"</p> + + <p>PETTY OFFICER—"Well, sir, this man 'e goes ashore when + 'e likes; 'e comes off when 'e likes; 'e uses 'orrible language + when 'e's spoken to; in fact, from 'is general be'avior, 'e + might be a orficer!"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROFESSOR—"What! Forgotten your pencil again, Jones! + What would you think of a soldier without a gun?"</p> + + <p>JONES (an ex-service man)—"I'd think he was an + officer."</p><a name="H_0411" + id="H_0411"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OLD AGE</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Age.</p><a name="H_0412" + id="H_0412"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OLD CLOTHES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Clothing.</p><a name="H_0413" + id="H_0413"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OPPORTUNITY</h2> + + <p>"But didn't Opportunity ever knock at your door?"</p> + + <p>"Probably."</p> + + <p>"And you didn't answer it?"</p> + + <p>"I? Of course not. What do you think the servants are + for?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Lazyman, Contentedman, and Busyman lived together in the + same house. One day, when only Lazyman and Contentedman were at + home, Opportunity knocked.</p> + + <p>As Lazyman made not the slightest move to go to the door, + Contentedman went and opened it.</p> + + <p>"I am Opportunity," said the visitor, "and I have something + very wonderful for you."</p> + + <p>Lazyman yawned and said nothing.</p> + + <p>Contentedman courteously explained that he was not + interested, for the very good reason that he had everything he + wanted.</p> + + <p>"I believe Busyman also lives here," said Opportunity. + "Where is he? I know he would be glad to see me."</p> + + <p>"Indeed he would, but he's out. He's always busy running + around. You're not the first Opportunity that he's missed. + Opportunities have been knocking here regularly for years, but + he's never at home. I tell him it doesn't pay to be so + busy."</p> + + <p>Opportunity walked away with dejected + mien.—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds,</p> + + <p>Makes ill deeds done!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0414" + id="H_0414"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OPTIMISM</h2> + + <p>A part of what we might term the optimist's philosophy + is—If you can mend a situation mend it; if you can't mend + it forget it.—<i>Ralph Waldo Trine</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If your confidence needs buttressing, just stop for a moment + and consider that this old world in which we have found such + happiness has throughout the past ages been visited by every + catastrophe of which the human mind can conceive, and from each + of these dark periods it has emerged always and eternally a + progressive world.</p> + + <p>Finally, I say, cheer up. Let's look on the bright side + rather than the dark side, and above all let us understand that + there are no insurmountable obstacles standing in the path of + our progress, that we are competent to solve the things that + confront us, that they will be solved, and that humankind will + be benefited by the virtue of our assuming an optimism in which + we are fully justified.—<i>Lewis L. Clark</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LANDLADY—"Just when are you going to pay your arrears + of room rent?"</p> + + <p>HARD-UP AUTHOR—"As soon as I receive the check which + the publisher will send me if he accepts the novel I am about + to commence when I have found a suitable subject and the + necessary inspiration."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An optimist is anybody who thinks he can write a new + humorous definition of an optimist or a pessimist. A pessimist + is the same person after he has made a serious attempt to do + so.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An optimist looks at an oyster and expects a pearl. A + pessimist looks at an oyster and expects ptomaine + poisoning.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE OPTIMIST (who has just been struck by a passing + motor-car)—"Glory be! If this isn't a piece o' luck! + Sure, 'tis the docther himself that's in + ut."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's an optimist?"</p> + + <p>"An optimist is a person who'll go into a restaurant without + a cent in his pocket and figure on paying for the meal with the + pearl he hopes to find in the oyster."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"An optimist is a man who cherishes vain hopes, and a + pessimist a man who nurses vain regrets."</p> + + <p>"And what is a man who does both?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, he's just a plain ordinary human."</p><a name="H_0415" + id="H_0415"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ORIGINALITY</h2> + + <p>A certain little girl was discovered by her mother engaged + in a spirited encounter with a small friend who had got + considerably worsted in the engagement.</p> + + <p>"Don't you know, dear," said the mother, "that it is very + wicked to behave so? It was Satan that put it into your head to + pull Elsie's hair."</p> + + <p>"Well, perhaps it was," the child admitted, "but kicking her + shins was entirely my own idea."</p><a name="H_0416" + id="H_0416"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OSTRICH</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The ostrich is a foolish bird,</p> + + <p class="i2">With scarcely any mind,</p> + + <p>He often runs away so fast,</p> + + <p class="i2">He leaves himself behind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when he gets there, has to stand</p> + + <p class="i2">And wait around till night,</p> + + <p>Without a single thing to do,</p> + + <p class="i2">Until he comes in sight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Mary Wilkins Freeman</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0417" + id="H_0417"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>OUIJA BOARD</h2> + + <p>"Do you think Mrs. Spinnix cheated at the ouija board?"</p> + + <p>"I wouldn't go so far as to say she cheated," replied Miss + Cayenne, "But I couldn't help noticing that it mispelled some + of its words the same way she does."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Harry came home about five o'clock and his face and hands + were very clean and his hair stood on end. His mother took one + look and exclaimed: "Harry, I told you not to go swimmin' with + Bob Ross."</p> + + <p>"How do you know that I have been swimmin'?" asked + Harry.</p> + + <p>"Never mind who told me, but I know that you have been + swimmin'," replied his mother.</p> + + <p>After a while Harry said: "I'll just bet you anything that + Mrs. Ross was over here this afternoon, and you and Mrs. Ross + had that ouija board out."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Breathlessly the spiritualistically inclined lady bent over + the ouija spelling out the communications from her departed + spouse.</p> + + <p>"John, are you happy there?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes, d-e-a-r."</p> + + <p>"Are you happier than you were on the earth."</p> + + <p>"Yes, d-e-a-r."</p> + + <p>"Ah," she breathed. "Heaven must be a wonderful place."</p> + + <p>"I g-u-e-s-s s-o, b-u-t I-m + n-o-t t-h-e-r-e y-e-t."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well," said Farmer Corntossel, "I reckon I've done a pretty + good afternoon's work."</p> + + <p>"But all you did," commented Jud Tunkins, contemptuously, + "was to sit on the fence and whittle."</p> + + <p>"Yes; but what I whittled up was the family ouija + board."</p><a name="H_0418" + id="H_0418"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PARENTS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>When Ma Is Sick</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Ma is sick she pegs away;</p> + + <p>She's quiet, though; not much t' say.</p> + + <p>She goes right on a-doin' things,</p> + + <p>An' sometimes laughs and even sings.</p> + + <p>She says she don't feel extra well.</p> + + <p>But then it's just a kind o' spell.</p> + + <p>She'll be all right tomorrow sure,</p> + + <p>A good old sleep will be the cure.</p> + + <p>An' Pa he sniffs an' makes no kick,</p> + + <p>For women folks is always sick,</p> + + <p>An' Ma, she smiles, lets on she's glad—</p> + + <p>When Ma is sick it ain't so bad.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>When Pa Is Sick</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When Pa is sick, he's scared to death,</p> + + <p>An' Ma an' us just holds our breath.</p> + + <p>He crawls in bed, an' puffs and grunts,</p> + + <p>And does all kinds of crazy stunts.</p> + + <p>He wants "Doc" Brown, an' mighty quick,</p> + + <p>For when Pa's ill he's mighty sick.</p> + + <p>He gasps and groans, an' sort o' sighs,</p> + + <p>He talks so queer, an' rolls his eyes.</p> + + <p>Ma jumps an' runs, an' all of us,</p> + + <p>An' all the house is in a fuss.</p> + + <p>An' peace and joy is mighty skeerce—</p> + + <p>When Pa is sick, it's something fierce.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Come upstairs, and let me wash your hands," said mother, + when she arrived with her little daughter for tea at + granny's.</p> + + <p>"I don't want to go up," wailed Winnie, aged four.</p> + + <p>"Let her wash them down in the kitchen," called grand-mamma. + "She can do it just as well."</p> + + <p>"No," her mother said firmly. "I want her to come up with + me!"</p> + + <p>Winnie went upstairs as slowly as possible.</p> + + <p>"Oh," said she, turning a wrathful tearful face to her + mother, "Why don't you obey your mother?"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Three Children</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Three children sliding on the ice</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon a summer's day.</p> + + <p>As it fell out they all fell in,</p> + + <p class="i2">The rest they ran away.</p> + + <p>Now, had these children been at home,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or sliding on dry ground,</p> + + <p>Ten thousand pounds to one penny</p> + + <p class="i2">They had not all been drowned.</p> + + <p>You parents all that children have,</p> + + <p class="i2">And you too that have none,</p> + + <p>If you would have them safe abroad</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray keep them safe at home.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIE—"I guess my dad must have been a pretty bad + boy."</p> + + <p>TOMMIE—"What makes you think that?"</p> + + <p>WILLIE—"Because he knows exactly what questions to ask + me when he wants to know what I have been + doing."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Daddy came home from the office early one evening and mother + had not returned from some friends whom she had been visiting + for tea.</p> + + <p>Little four-year-old Gwennie ran up to her father's side. + "Daddy," she cried, "I've been wanting to see you for a long + time when mother's not near."</p> + + <p>"Why, my little girl?" asked father.</p> + + <p>"Well, dad," answered Gwennie, "please don't tell mother, + because she's an awful dear, but I don't think she knows much + about bringing up children."</p> + + <p>"What makes you think that?" asked her father.</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Gwennie, "she makes me go to bed when I am + wide awake and she makes me get up when I am awfully + sleepy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BOBBY—"Daddy, look! There's an aeroplane."</p> + + <p>ABSORBED DADDY—"Yes, dear—don't touch + it."</p><a name="H_0419" + id="H_0419"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PARROTS</h2> + + <p>"Mercy! How that bird swears!" exclaimed the would-be + purchaser. "What would my husband say?"</p> + + <p>"I dunno, ma'am," replied the dealer. "But whatever it was + this 'ere parrot could repeat it right over after him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OLD LADY—"I want you to change that parrot I bought + from you—he doesn't speak at all, and you said he'd + repeat every word he heard."</p> + + <p>SHOPMAN—"Yes, madam, and so he would—but you + took him in such a hurry that I hadn't time to tell you he was + deaf."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A.E. Clark, editor of The City Bulletin, of Columbus, Ohio, + was with a friend who was campaigning for the Red Cross. The + friend knocked at a door and a voice said, "Come in."</p> + + <p>His friend tried the door, then shouted, "It's locked!"</p> + + <p>"Come in," repeated the voice, and the campaigner + replied:</p> + + <p>"It's locked."</p> + + <p>"Come in."</p> + + <p>"It's locked."</p> + + <p>At that point a woman put her head out of a window next door + and said:</p> + + <p>"There's no one at home. You're talking to the + parrot."</p><a name="H_0420" + id="H_0420"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PARTNERSHIP</h2> + + <p>The partners of a well-known Stock Exchange house were + having a dinner conference at an uptown hotel. One of them + appeared worried during the progress of the meal, and finally + he was queried as to the cause of his fit of abstraction.</p> + + <p>"I just happened to remember that I neglected to lock the + safe before I left the office," he replied.</p> + + <p>"Why worry?" said another member of the firm. "We are all + here."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'll clean th' snow off yer walk for a quarter."</p> + + <p>"Why, I just paid a quarter to have it cleaned."</p> + + <p>"Tain't half done."</p> + + <p>"Come, come, that isn't a nice way to abuse a fellow + worker."</p> + + <p>"Oh, dat's all right—he's me pardner."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A bright German gentleman, retired from business, relates + the following little anecdote:</p> + + <p>"Going down to New York the other night on the boat," said + he, "I got chatting with a German acquaintance, and asked him + what he was doing.</p> + + <p>"'Veil', he replied, 'shoost now I am doing nodings, but I + have made arrangements to go into pizness.'</p> + + <p>"'Glad to hear it. What are you going into?'</p> + + <p>"'Veil, I guess into partnership mit a man.'</p> + + <p>"'Do you put in much capital?'</p> + + <p>"'No; I doesn't put in no gabital.'</p> + + <p>"'Don't want to risk it, eh?'</p> + + <p>"'No; but I puts in de experience.'</p> + + <p>"'And he puts in the capital?'</p> + + <p>"'Yes, dot is it. We goes into pizness for dree year; he + puts in de gabital, I puts in de experience. At the end of de + dree year I will have de gabital, and he will have de + experience!'"</p><a name="H_0421" + id="H_0421"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PEACE</h2> + + <p>"Why were all the nations fighting, papa?"</p> + + <p>"To make the world safe for democracy, my son."</p> + + <p>"Is the world safe for democracy now, papa?"</p> + + <p>"It will be, when we have peace."</p> + + <p>"When will we have peace, papa?"</p> + + <p>"When the world is safe for democracy."</p> + + <p>"Will the nations always fight to have peace, papa?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, always, my son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A certain people were much given to deploring war. War, they + kept insisting, was poor business.</p> + + <p>Their King heard them, but he didn't take them seriously. + The very first chance he got he picked a quarrel with a + neighboring Power, and, that done, he lifted up his voice in + the old way.</p> + + <p>"The fatherland is in danger!" he cried. "The honor of the + nation is assailed! My children, be patriots!"</p> + + <p>But they couldn't see him. "Not on your life!" they made + answer. "You can fool all the people some of the time and some + of the people all of the time, but you can not fool all the + people all the time!"</p> + + <p>Whereupon the King made haste to patch up his quarrel and + was very careful forever after not to pick another.</p> + + <p>This fable teaches that we have still some distance to go + before universal peace can be anything but a + joke.</p><a name="H_0422" + id="H_0422"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PEDESTRIANS</h2> + + <p>"You know," said the lady whose motor-car had run down a + man, "you must have been walking very carelessly. I am a very + careful driver. I have been driving a car for seven years."</p> + + <p>"Lady, you've got nothing on me. I've been walking for + fifty-four years."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Chug-Chug! Br-r! Br-r-r! Honk! Honk! + Gilligillug-gilligillug!</p> + + <p>The pedestrian paused at the intersection of two busy cross + streets.</p> + + <p>He looked about. A motor-car was rushing at him from one + direction, a motorcycle from another, a steam truck was coming + from behind, and a taxicab was speedily approaching.</p> + + <p>Zip-zip! Zing-glug!</p> + + <p>He looked up, and saw directly above him an air-ship in + rapid descent.</p> + + <p>There was but one chance. He was standing upon a manhole + cover. Quickly seizing it, he lifted the lid and jumped into + the hole just in time to be run over by an underground + train.</p><a name="H_0423" + id="H_0423"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PENMANSHIP</h2> + + <p>Mr. Brown had just registered and was about to turn away + when the clerk asked:</p> + + <p>"Beg pardon, but what is your name?"</p> + + <p>"Name!" echoed the indignant guest. "Don't you see my + signature there on the register?"</p> + + <p>"I do," returned the clerk calmly. "That is what aroused my + curiosity."</p><a name="H_0424" + id="H_0424"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PEP</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Vigor, vitality, vim and punch—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep!</p> + + <p>The courage to act on a sudden hunch—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep!</p> + + <p>The nerve to tackle the hardest thing</p> + + <p>With feet that climb and hands that cling,</p> + + <p>And a heart that never forgets to sing—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sand and grit in a concrete base—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep!</p> + + <p>Friendly smile on an honest face—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep!</p> + + <p>The spirit that helps when another's down,</p> + + <p>That knows how to scatter the blackest frown,</p> + + <p>That loves its neighbor, and loves its + town—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To say "I will," for you know you can—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep!</p> + + <p>To look for the best in every man—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep!</p> + + <p>To meet each thundering knock-out blow,</p> + + <p>And come back strong, because you know</p> + + <p>You'll get the best of the whole damned + show—</p> + + <p class="i10">That's Pep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Henry W. Stern</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0425" + id="H_0425"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PERCENTAGE</h2> + + <p>"Speaking of percentages." said the old-time politician, + "reminds me of Tom Bledsoe, who had the butcher shop in our + town. He used to buy rabbits from the boys. One day he hung up + a sign announcing rabbit sausage for sale. People wondered what + it was, took a hack at it, and liked it. Pretty soon he was + selling rabbit sausage by the wagon-load.</p> + + <p>"But the pure-food inspectors came prying around, and asked + Tom how he could make so much sausage when he got only a few + dozen rabbits a day. Finally he admitted that there was some + horse-meat in the sausage. Then they wanted to know how much + horse-meat. After a long grilling he said it was fifty per + cent. When pressed further by his questioners, he explained + that fifty per cent meant one rabbit to one + horse."</p><a name="H_0426" + id="H_0426"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PERSISTENCE</h2> + + <p>Persistence can accomplish two things—it can make one + either a success or a bore.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Fishin'</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Supposin" fish don't bite at first,</p> + + <p class="i2">What are you goin' to do?</p> + + <p>Throw down your pole, chuck out your bait</p> + + <p class="i2">And say your fishin's through?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish</p> + + <p class="i2">An' fish, an' fish, an' wait</p> + + <p>Until you've ketched a bucketful</p> + + <p class="i2">Or used up all your bait.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Suppose success don't come at first,</p> + + <p class="i2">What are you goin' to do?</p> + + <p>Throw up the sponge and kick yourself</p> + + <p class="i2">And growl, and fret, and stew?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You bet you ain't; you're goin' to fish</p> + + <p class="i2">An' bait, an' bait ag'in,</p> + + <p>Until success will bite your hook.</p> + + <p class="i2">For grit is sure to win."</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0427" + id="H_0427"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PERSUASION</h2> + + <p>"Mother," said a twelve-year-old of Baltimore, "did you tell + father I wanted a new bicycle?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, dear," said the mother, "I told him; but he said he + couldn't afford to buy you one."</p> + + <p>"Of course he'd say that; but what did you do?"</p> + + <p>"I told him how badly you wanted it, and argued in favor of + it, but he refused."</p> + + <p>"Argued! Oh, mother, if it had been something you wanted + yourself you'd have cried a little and then you'd have got + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Persuasion tips his tongue whene'er he + talks.—<i>Colley Gibber</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Few are open to conviction, but the majority of men are open + to persuasion.—<i>Goethe</i>.</p><a name="H_0428" + id="H_0428"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PESSIMISM</h2> + + <p>TED—"What's the difference between a pessimist and a + cynic?"</p> + + <p>NED—"The pessimist is without hope, while the cynic is + sure you'll always be able to get a drink if you have the + price."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Pessimist</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing to do but work,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nothing to eat but food,</p> + + <p>Nothing to wear but clothes,</p> + + <p class="i2">To keep one from going nude.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing to breathe but air,</p> + + <p class="i2">Quick as a flash 'tis gone;</p> + + <p>Nowhere to fall but off,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nowhere to stand but on.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing to comb but hair,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nowhere to sleep but in bed,</p> + + <p>Nothing to weep but tears,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nothing to bury but dead.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing to sing but songs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah, well, alas! alack!</p> + + <p>Nowhere to go but out,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nowhere to come but back.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing to see but sights,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nothing to quench but thirst,</p> + + <p>Nothing to have but what we've got</p> + + <p class="i2">Thus through life we are cursed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nothing to strike but a gait;</p> + + <p class="i2">Everything moves that goes.</p> + + <p>Nothing at all but common sense</p> + + <p class="i2">Can ever withstand these woes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Ben King</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>It was a mile over Mount Clemens.</p> + + <p>The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field was giving a + visiting officer his first air voyage.</p> + + <p>He cut off the motor.</p> + + <p>"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty per cent of + them think we are going to fall."</p> + + <p>"They've got nothing on us," was the reply that streamed for + a half a mile back of the plane; "fifty per cent of us do."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE PESSIMIST—"The best luck any man can have is never + to have been born; but that seldom happens to any one."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to + predict bad weather."</p> + + <p>"Why's that?"</p> + + <p>"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be + wrong."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, + chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.</p> + + <p>"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one + north-country lad.</p> + + <p>"Dunno," replied one of the southshires. "We've planted some + daffydils in front of our trench."</p> + + <p>"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've + planted acorns."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Irish bulls; Optimism.</p><a name="H_0429" + id="H_0429"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PHILADELPHIA</h2> + + <p>The city of Philadelphia offers a liberal reward for the + most important contribution toward civic improvement. A fine + opportunity for manufacturers of alarm + clocks.</p><a name="H_0430" + id="H_0430"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PHILANTHROPISTS</h2> + + <p>WEALTHY BENEFACTRESS (stopping in at the + hospital)—"Well, we'll bring the car tomorrow, and take + some of your patients for a drive. And, by the bye, nurse, you + might pick out some with bandages that show—the last + party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in + the streets could see."—<i>Punch</i>.</p><a name="H_0431" + id="H_0431"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PHILOSOPHY</h2> + + <p>Rube Wilkins says—"You can't get ahead while you're + kickin' any more than a mule can."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>All philosophy lies in two words, "sustain" and "abstain." + —<i>Epictetus</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the + next.—<i>Henry Ward Beecher</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Philosophy, while it soothes the reason, damps the ambition. + —<i>Bulwer-Lytton</i>.</p><a name="H_0432" + id="H_0432"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS</h2> + + <h3><i>See</i> Doctors.</h3><a name="H_0433" + id="H_0433"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PITTSBURG</h2> + + <p>PITTSBURG MAN (telephoning to Long Island from New + York)—"Ten cents? Why, in Pittsburg we can telephone to + Hades for a nickel."</p> + + <p>CENTRAL—"But this is a long-distance + call."</p><a name="H_0434" + id="H_0434"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PLEASURE</h2> + + <p>Pleasures are like liqueurs: they must be drunk but in small + glasses.—<i>Romainville</i>.</p><a name="H_0435" + id="H_0435"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POETRY</h2> + + <p>EDITOR—"This isn't poetry, my dear man; it's merely an + escape of gas."</p> + + <p>WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTOR—"Ah, I see! Something wrong with + the meter."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your poem must <i>eternal</i> be,</p> + + <p class="i2">Dear sir, it can not fail,</p> + + <p>For 'tis incomprehensible,</p> + + <p class="i2">And wants both <i>head</i> and + <i>tail</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>S.T. Coleridge</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"What is poetry of motion?"</p> + + <p>"The kind that's always going from one editor to + another."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>They were dancing the one-step. The music was heavenly. The + swish of her silken skirts was divine. The fragrance of the + roses upon her bosom was really intoxicating.</p> + + <p>"Ah," she smiled, sweetly, with an arch look up into his + face, "you remind me of one of Whitman's poems."</p> + + <p>A sudden dizziness seemed to seize him. It was as if he were + floating in a dream. When he had sufficiently gained his breath + he spoke:</p> + + <p>"Which one?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, any one," she replied. "The feet are mixed in all of + them."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p><a name="H_0436" + id="H_0436"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POETS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sir, I admit your general rule,</p> + + <p>That every poet is a fool,</p> + + <p>But you yourself may serve to show it,</p> + + <p>That every fool is not a poet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Alexander Pope</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Witter Bynner is said to have worked off a pretty good one + at the Poetry Society banquet. Some one asked him if Burns and + Noyes could not be likened to each other. Bynner replied: + "Well, you can feel Burns, while you can only hear Noyes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When Masefield, the British poet, visited Yale, he finished + his evening's talk and readings earlier than was expected, and + the chairman of the meeting suggested that the poet should read + any poem requested by the audience. The audience, as usually + happens, was dumb. It was an awkward moment. Finally, one of + the younger English Department members rushed agitatedly into + the breach.</p> + + <p>"Won't you please read 'The Tewksbury Road,' Mr. + Masefield?"</p> + + <p>The poet looked amazed, then puzzled, and at last said with + a hesitating desire not to offend "these singular Americans": + "Ah—er—I—ah!—would be charmed to do + so—really—but I've just read it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Professor Alfred Noyes, the English poet, it is known, likes + very much to read his works aloud to his friends, and at + Princeton, with so many young men under him, he is usually able + to gratify this liking to the full. The other day Professor + Noyes said to a junior who had called about an examination: + "Wait a minute. Don't go yet. I want to show you the proofs of + my new book of poems." But the junior made for the door + frantically. "No, no," he said. "I don't need proofs. Your word + is enough for me, professor."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"I tore up that poem I wrote last week."</p> + + <p>SHE—"Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever + did."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The little agricultural village had been billed with + "Lecture on Keats" for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at + length, bringing the lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. + The advertised chairman, taken ill at the last moment, was + replaced by a local farmer. This worthy introduced the lecturer + and terminated his remarks by saying:</p> + + <p>"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what 1 + personally have often wondered—what are + Keats?"</p><a name="H_0437" + id="H_0437"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POLICE</h2> + + <p>"Why doesn't the policeman pay his fare?" inquired the old + gentleman on the twopenny tram, observing that no money passed + between the constable and the conductor.</p> + + <p>"Well, you know, sir," explained the conductor, "you can't + get twopence out of a copper."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Gent up-town telephones for an officer at once. Burglar in + the house."</p> + + <p>"Let me see," said the captain, reflectively. "I've got four + men censoring plays, two inspecting the gowns at a society + function, and two more supervising a tango tea. Tell him I can + send him an officer in about two hours."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE—"You let the burglar go to arrest an + automobilist?"</p> + + <p>POLICEMAN—"Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to + the resources of the State; the burglar goes to prison, and the + State has to pay for his + keep."—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0438" + id="H_0438"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POLITENESS</h2> + + <p>Politeness is the art of getting what you want.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. SMITH—"Politeness costs nothing, I am sure, my + dear."</p> + + <p>SMITH—"No; but if it was advertised at $1.98, a lot + more people would have it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hum, ho!" sighed the New-Hampshire farmer as he came in + from down-town. "Deacon Jones wants me to be pall-bearer again + to his wife's funeral."</p> + + <p>"Wal, you're goin' to be, ain't ye?" asked the farmer's + better half.</p> + + <p>"I dunno. Y' know, when Deacon Jones's fust wife died, he + asked me to be a pall-bearer, an' I did; and then his second + wife died, an' I was the same again. An' then he married thet + Perkins gal, and she died, and I was pall-bearer to that + funeral. An' now—wal, I don't like to be all the time + acceptin' favors without bein' able to return 'em."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dickie's father was shocked to see his son kick his little + playmate.</p> + + <p>"Why did you kick John?" he asked, severely.</p> + + <p>"I am tired of playing with him. I want him to go home," was + Dickie's answer.</p> + + <p>"Then why didn't you ask him to go home?"</p> + + <p>"Oh"—it was Dickie's turn to be shocked—"why, + daddy, that wouldn't be polite!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Etiquet.</p><a name="H_0439" + id="H_0439"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POLITICAL PARTIES</h2> + + <p>Kane, Pa., May 21.—During a circus parade here today + one of the elephants, as if to relieve the monotony, flung its + trunk in the air and brought it down with a resounding thump on + a mule at the curb quietly watching the sights.</p> + + <p>Altho hitched to a delivery-wagon the mule wheeled about, + took aim, and kicked twice. His hoofs caught the elephant + squarely on the knees. The elephant stopped for an instant, but + sought no further interchanges with the mule and finished the + parade with a decided limp.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When Colonel Roosevelt was making a political speech in + Maine he asked if there was a Democrat in the audience. An old + long whiskered man rose in the back of the room and said, "I am + a Democrat." Roosevelt then asked him why he was a Democrat and + he said: "I've always been a Democrat, my father was a Democrat + and my grandfather was a Democrat." Roosevelt then said: "Then + if your father had been a horsethief and your grandfather had + been a horsethief you would be a horsethief?" "No," he said, "I + would be a Republican."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In an Americanization class in one of our large cities, + Achilles Bonglis, a Greek, about fifty years old, was called + upon to recite the oath of allegiance, and did so promptly:</p> + + <p>"I pledge allegiance to our flag and the <i>Republicans</i> + for which it stands."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEMBROOKE—"Backus seems to be a very popular + candidate. Is he running on the Progressive ticket?"</p> + + <p>YISTLEY—"No, the Retrogressive, His platform is + five-cent trolleys, ten-cent bread, three-dollar shoes and 1913 + rents."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A prominent Chicago politician, when a candidate for an + important municipal office, related the following story of his + campaign.</p> + + <p>"Once I told three negroes that I'd give a big turkey to the + one who'd give the best reason for his being a Republican.</p> + + <p>"The first one said: 'I'se a 'publican kase de 'publican set + us niggers free.'</p> + + <p>"'Very good, Pete,' said I. 'Now, Bill, let me hear from + you.'</p> + + <p>"'Well, I'se a 'publican kase dey don' gib us a pertective + tariff.'</p> + + <p>"'Fine!' I exclaimed. 'Now, Sam, what have you to say?'</p> + + <p>"'Boss," said Sam, scratching his head and shifting from one + foot to the other, 'boss, I'se a 'publican kase I wants dat + turkey.'</p> + + <p>"And he got it."</p><a name="H_0440" + id="H_0440"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POLITICIANS</h2> + + <p>"And why is he here?" we inquired, stopping in front of + Padded Cell No. 44.</p> + + <p>"He was a politician and when he finally got in office he + really tried to carry out his campaign pledges," replied the + attendant.—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you find public office an easy berth?"</p> + + <p>"I shouldn't exactly call it a berth," said Senator Sorghum, + thoughtfully. "It's more like a hammock: hard to get into + comfortably, and still harder to get out of gracefully."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here lies Mr. Blank, who, on politics bent,</p> + + <p>Was at first quite unable to say what he meant;</p> + + <p>But schooled by experience, he soon went ahead,</p> + + <p>Once he saw that he never need mean what he + said.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"I hope that Wilhelm has not decided to take up politics," + mused Senator Sorghum.</p> + + <p>"Why?"</p> + + <p>"Because a military man can be definitely disposed of, but a + politician never quits."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In Colorado, remember, the women vote as well as the + men.</p> + + <p>In the fall of 1910 a man named Smith was running for + sheriff against a man named Jones. One evening just before + election Smith rode up to the barn-yard of an old farmer. The + farmer was milking a cow and was having difficulty with a lusty + calf that continually tried to "butt in." The candidate, to + gain the favor of the farmer, took the calf between his legs + and held it until the milking was done. He then introduced + himself: "I am Mr. Smith, the Republican candidate for sheriff + of the county. I suppose you know the man who's running against + me?"</p> + + <p>The farmer's eyes twinkled as he slowly drawled: "Waal, I + reckon I do. He's in the house now, holding the + baby."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Some of your constituents are disagreeing with you," said + the trusted lieutenant.</p> + + <p>"Well, keep tab on them," replied Senator Sorghum; "when + enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'm + going to turn around and agree with them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Are you sure your auditors understood all of your + arguments?"</p> + + <p>"If they did," answered Senator Sorghum, "I wish they'd come + around and explain some of 'em to me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Who can furnish a clear definition of a politician?" + inquired the Professor.</p> + + <p>"I can," said the son of a Congressman. "To which party do + you refer?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My proudest boast," declared the politician, who expected + this statement to be greeted with cheers, "is that I was one of + the men behind the guns."</p> + + <p>"How many miles behind?" piped a voice from the gallery.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What is your opinion of relativity?"</p> + + <p>"I approve of it," replied Senator Sorghum.</p> + + <p>"Then you understand it thoroughly?"</p> + + <p>"Friend, if I had always been required to understand + thoroughly everything I approved of I should have transacted + considerable less political business."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm sorry you were defeated," said a sympathetic friend of + the candidate.</p> + + <p>"Perhaps it is better so."</p> + + <p>"That's the better way to look at it."</p> + + <p>"Yes, according to an elderly aunt of mine who keeps up with + all the family connections, I have no fewer than four hundred + living relatives. I couldn't have possibly provided jobs for + more than half of them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Public speakers.</p><a name="H_0441" + id="H_0441"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POLITICS</h2> + + <p>GREEN—"What is the hardest work you ever did?"</p> + + <p>CITY EMPLOYEE—"The work I did landing this job, and + the next hardest is the work of keeping it from being taken + away from me."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I am out of politics for good," announced the Political + Boss.</p> + + <p>"Whose?" questioned the Green Reporter.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>POLITICAL BOSS—"So you wish to enter politics, madam. + What are your qualifications?"</p> + + <p>LADY APPLICANT—"Well, I have served three terms as a + member of the Board of Education."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>YOUNG 'UN—"I'm taking political economy at + college."</p> + + <p>OLD 'UN—"That's a useless course. Why learn to + economize in politics? It's not being done."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST PASSENGER—"I understand that your city has the + rottenest political ring in the country."</p> + + <p>SECOND PASSENGER—"That's right. But how did you know + where I'm from?"</p> + + <p>FIRST PASSENGER—"I don't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (investigating election + fund)—"Dave, what happened to you before you reached the + polls?"</p> + + <p>DAVE (an old negro)—"Well suh, the fust thing, suh, a + man stopped me an' said: 'Dave, heah's four dollahs; I want you + to go right down to de polls an' vote for Mr. Brown; he's the + Republican candidate for Congress and a very fine man.'"</p> + + <p>PROSECUTOR—"Did you take the money?"</p> + + <p>DAVE—"O, yassir, I took de money. And then, as I wuz + goin' on down de street another man stops me and says: 'Dave, + heah's seven dollahs; I want you to go right down to de polls + an' vote for Mr. Rogers; he's the Democratic nominee for + Congress and a very fine man.'"</p> + + <p>PROSECUTOR—"Did you take that money, too, Dave?"</p> + + <p>DAVE—"O, yassir, I took dat money, too, suh."</p> + + <p>PROSECUTOR—"Then, Dave, how did you vote?"</p> + + <p>DAVE—"Well, suh, after speculatin' quite a spell, suh, + as to what a niggah ought to do in a case ob dat kind, suh, I + walks right into de polls and votes de straight Republican + ticket, suh, 'cause I figgered, suh, dat dis here Republican + man, he war de least corrupt ob de two."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Don't you think our friend Crossum might loom up as a dark + horse?"</p> + + <p>"No," declared Senator Sorghum, "record's too shady. It + would require a great deal of whitewashing to qualify him as a + dark horse."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>YOUNG HOPEFUL—"Father, what is a traitor in + politics?"</p> + + <p>VETERAN POLITICIAN—"A traitor is a man who leaves our + party and goes over to the other one."</p> + + <p>YOUNG HOPEFUL—"Well, then, what is a man who leaves + his party and comes over to yours?"</p> + + <p>VETERAN POLITICIAN—"A convert, my son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During a municipal campaign in Chicago a politician dropped + in one morning to see a certain grocer. During the conversation + that took place, the politician asked, "And I may count upon + your support, may I not?"</p> + + <p>"Why, no, I am sorry to say," replied the grocer. "The fact + is, I have promised my support to the other candidate."</p> + + <p>The politician laughed. "Ah," said he, "in politics, + promising and performing are two different things."</p> + + <p>"In that case," said the grocer cordially, "I shall be glad + to give you my promise, sir."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>STRANGER—"Upon what plan are your city institutions + conducted?"</p> + + <p>CITIZEN-"A sort of let-George-do-it system—without any + George."—<i>Puck</i>.</p><a name="H_0442" + id="H_0442"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POSTAL SERVICE</h2> + + <p>WILLIS—"What did you think of that fellow's carrying + the message to Garcia?"</p> + + <p>GILLIS—"Don't blame him a bit. With our poor Post + Office service, it was the only way he could get it to + him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>COUNTRY LADY—"I've been expecting a packet of medicine + by post for a week, and haven't received it yet."</p> + + <p>POST-OFFICE CLERK—"Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this + form, and state the nature of your complaint."</p> + + <p>LADY—"Well, if you must know, it's indigestion."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Aunt Mehitable Trusalive wants to know why it is every + letter she gets somebody is always printing on the outside: + "Join the Navy." She declares to goodness she never thought of + such a thing and if they don't stop she'll have the law on + them.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DASHER—"This parcel-post package is being delivered in + unusually quick time. How do you account for it?"</p> + + <p>MAIL-CARRIER—"The department thought it contained a + time-bomb, sir."-<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FANNING—"What's become of that rubber stamp, + 'Dictated, but not read,' that you used to use on your + letters?"</p> + + <p>DASHER—"I threw it away and got one that prints, + 'Mailed, but not delivered.'"</p><a name="H_0443" + id="H_0443"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>POVERTY</h2> + + <p>Poverty is the greatest of physicians. His method is + prophylactic rather than therapeutic, but in point of results + he is in a class by himself.</p> + + <p>His practice attests the efficacy of the ounce of prevention + in big doses.</p> + + <p>Poverty ranks high as a surgeon, too. Nobody else cuts out + so many things that are not good for us.</p> + + <p>In a way he has the respect of the profession. Where he is + in charge of a case no other practitioner is apt to + interfere.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>We should not so much esteem our poverty as a misfortune, + were it not that the world treats it so much as a + crime.—<i>Boree</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not + to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing + yet.—<i>Pericles</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Want is a bitter and a hateful good,</p> + + <p>Because its virtues are not understood;</p> + + <p>Yet many things, impossible to thought,</p> + + <p>Have been by need to full perfection brought.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Dryden</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Ned Shuter thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear + stockings with holes to having them darned: "A hole," said he, + "may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best + gentleman, but a darn is premeditated + poverty."</p><a name="H_0444" + id="H_0444"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRAISE</h2> + + <p>The highest praise for a man is to give him + responsibility.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A playwright and an actor were in conversation when the + former, who has been none too successful of late, exclaimed + gloomily:</p> + + <p>"People will praise my work after I am dead."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the actor, in a consoling tone, "perhaps you + are right, but don't you think it's a great deal of a sacrifice + to make for a little praise?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, there's one thing about the man who sings his own + praises."</p> + + <p>"And what's that?"</p> + + <p>"He never has to give the excuse that he has left his music + home and can't play without his notes."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The love of praise, howe'er conceal'd by art,</p> + + <p>Reigns, more or less, and glows, in ev'ry heart:</p> + + <p>The proud, to gain it, toils on toils endure;</p> + + <p>The modest shun it, but to make it sure.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Young</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Praising what is lost,</p> + + <p>Makes the remembrance dear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0445" + id="H_0445"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRAYERS</h2> + + <p>A very nice and gentle minister accepted a call to a new + church in a town where many of the members bred horses and + sometimes raced them. A few weeks later he was asked to invite + the prayers of the congregation for Lucy Grey. Willingly and + gladly he did so for three Sundays. On the fourth one of the + deacons told the minister he need not do it any more.</p> + + <p>"Why," asked the good man, with an anxious look, "is she + dead?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no," said the deacon; "she's won the steeplechase."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The two men were adrift in an open boat and it looked bad + for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray.</p> + + <p>"O Lord," he prayed, "I've broken most of Thy commandments. + I've been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll + promise Thee never again—"</p> + + <p>"Wait a minute, Jack," said, his friend. "Don't go too far. + I think I see a sail."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Lindsley had the little hen fast and was trying to bring her + head close to the ground.</p> + + <p>"What might you be trying to do?" exclaimed her father + coming upon the small girl in the yard.</p> + + <p>"I'm trying to make this hen say her prayers."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the parent sadly, "I hope she'll say: 'Now I + lay me.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BROWN (on fishing trip)—"Boys, the boat is sinking! Is + there any one here who knows how to pray?"</p> + + <p>JONES (eagerly)—"I do."</p> + + <p>BROWN—"All right. You pray and the rest of us will put + on life belts. They's one shy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A small boy, whose father is now on the other side with the + Y.M.C.A., was taught to say at the end of his prayer, "Please, + God, make Graham a good boy." One night he did not say it, and + when his mother asked him if he had not forgotten something, he + said, "No; I thought I was asking too much of God. I'd better + do more myself."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GRANDSON (who hasn't decided yet just what branch of the + service will have the benefit of his talents)—"There + seems to be quite a diversity of opinion regarding what prayer + to say in response to the Senate's request for daily prayer for + victory."</p> + + <p>GRANDMA (industriously knitting)—"Guess any of 'em + will do, so long as it isn't 'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The proper way for a man to pray,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,</p> + + <p>"And the only proper attitude</p> + + <p class="i2">Is down upon his knees."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"No, I should say the way to pray,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Said Rev. Doctor Wise,</p> + + <p>"Is standing straight with outstretched arms</p> + + <p class="i2">And rapt and upturned eyes."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, no, no, no," said Elder Slow,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Such posture is too proud;</p> + + <p>A man should pray with eyes fast closed</p> + + <p class="i2">And head contritely bowed."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"It seems to me his hands should be</p> + + <p class="i2">Austerely clasped in front,</p> + + <p>With both thumbs pointing to the ground,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Said Rev. Doctor Blunt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well</p> + + <p class="i2">Head first," said Cyrus Brown,</p> + + <p>"With both my heels a-stickin' up,</p> + + <p class="i2">My head a-pinting down;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"An' I made a prayer right then an' there—</p> + + <p class="i2">Best prayer I ever said,</p> + + <p>The prayingest prayer I ever prayed,</p> + + <p class="i2">A-standing on my head."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Sam Walter Foss</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A young mother was about to hear her small girl's prayers + when a neighbor called and said she must see the mother right + away. They had been talking at the front door several minutes + when a reproachful little voice came from the top of the + stairway:</p> + + <p>"Mamma, aren't you 'shamed to keep God waiting so long?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was the week before little Willie's birthday, and he was + on his knees at his bedside petitioning Divine Providence for + presents in a very loud voice.</p> + + <p>"Please send me," he shouted, "a bicycle, a tool chest, + a—"</p> + + <p>"What are you praying so loud for?" his younger brother + interrupted. "God ain't deaf."</p> + + <p>"I know he ain't," said little Willie, winking toward the + next room, "but grandma is."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MARJORIE—"Will I get everything I pray for, mama?"</p> + + <p>MOTHER (cautiously)—"Everything that's good for you, + dear."</p> + + <p>MARJORIE (disgustedly)—"Oh, what's the use, then; I + get that anyway."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth + removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her + mother was surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts + as we forgive our dentists."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SMALL YOUTH—"I ain't goin' to say my prayers tonight, + mother. I'm goin' to take a chance."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bobby had been taught to remember all his relatives when he + said his prayers. One night, as he knelt at his mother's knee, + he did not mention the name of a favorite aunt.</p> + + <p>"Why, Bobby," said the mother, "you didn't say 'God bless + Aunt Beatrice and make her happy.'"</p> + + <p>"Well, mother," replied the little boy, "I don't have to say + that any more. Aunt Beatrice's engaged."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two prominent senators, boyhood friends, were discussing how + strict had been their early religious training and how they had + departed from it in late years. Said A to B: "I don't believe + you even remember the Lord's Prayer, do you?" B answered: "Oh, + yes, I do; I'm not such a backslider as that." Then A said: + "I'll bet a dollar you cannot say the Lord's Prayer straight + through." B promptly declared that he would win that dollar + and, after a moment's thoughtful hesitation, repeated + slowly:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now I lay me down to sleep,</p> + + <p>I pray the Lord my soul to keep.</p> + + <p>If I should die before I wake,</p> + + <p>I pray the Lord my soul to take.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"By Jove," said A, "here is your dollar; I didn't believe + you could do it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We'd have more prayers answered," said Bishop Hoss, of + Muskogee, "if we had more faith."</p> + + <p>"Too many of us are like Willie. Willie, on a visit to his + uncle's in the country, admired a fine colt.</p> + + <p>"'Uncle, give me that colt, will you?' he asked.</p> + + <p>"'Why, no, Willie,' said his uncle. 'That's a very valuable + colt, and I couldn't afford to give him to you. Do you want a + colt so very badly?'</p> + + <p>"'I'd rather have a colt than anything else in the world,' + said Willie.</p> + + <p>"'Then,' said his uncle. 'I'll tell you what you ought to + do. Since you want a colt that much, you ought to pray for one. + Whenever I want a thing I always pray for it, and then it is + sure to come to me.'</p> + + <p>"'Is that so, uncle?' said Willie, eagerly. 'Won't you + please give me this colt, then, and pray for one for + yourself?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old darkey who was asked if, in his experience, prayer + was ever answered, replied:</p> + + <p>"Well, sah! some pra'rs is ansud, an' some + isn't—'pends on wa't you axes fo'. Jest arter de wah, + w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de cullud breddern, I + 'bsarved dat w'eneber I pway de Lord to sen' one o' Marse + Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de old man, dere was no notis took ob + de partition; but w'en I pway dat He would sen' de ole man fo' + de turkey, de matter was t'ended to befo' sun-up nex' morning', + dead sartin."</p><a name="H_0446" + id="H_0446"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PREACHING</h2> + + <p>The railroad official invited the stern citizen to + communicate his troubles.</p> + + <p>"I want you to give orders," demanded the visitor, "that the + engineer of the express which passes through Elm Grove at 11:55 + be restrained from blowing his whistle Sunday mornings."</p> + + <p>"Impossible!" exploded the official. "What prompts you to + make such a ridiculous request?"</p> + + <p>"Well, you see," explained the citizen in an undertone, "our + pastor preaches until he hears the whistle blow and that + confounded express was twenty minutes late last Sunday."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The American in England affords cause for much perplexity + and astonishment to his English kinsmen.</p> + + <p>A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church wherein + hundreds of people were buried.</p> + + <p>"A great many people sleep between these walls," said the + guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of + his hand.</p> + + <p>"So?" said the Sammy. "Same way over in our country. Why + don't you get a more interesting preacher?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A colored preacher called on a white minister.</p> + + <p>He found the white man busy writing.</p> + + <p>"What you-all doin'?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"I'm preparing notes for my sermon for next Sunday."</p> + + <p>The colored gentleman shook his head.</p> + + <p>"I certainly would nebber do dat, sir," he said. "De debbil + am a-lookin' right over your shoulder and knows everything you + gwine to say and he am prepared for you. Now, I don't make no + notes and when I gets up to talk, neder me nor de debbil + hisself don't know what I'm goin' to say."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bishop Partridge is a collector of anecdotes about + ministers, and in an anecdotal mood he said the other day:</p> + + <p>"I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain + service. He answered grimly:</p> + + <p>"'Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and + satisfactory.'</p> + + <p>"'Yes,' I said a little puzzled.</p> + + <p>"'Yes, exactly,' said he. 'It was soothing because over half + the congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of + the other half left before I was through. And it must have been + satisfactory, inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The minister had just preached his farewell sermon to the + congregation with whom he had had much trouble.</p> + + <p>"How beautiful!" said a visitor to one of the deacons, "and + how appropriate for a farewell sermon!"</p> + + <p>"Think so?" said the deacon gruffly.</p> + + <p>"Why, yes. What better text could he find than 'In My + Father's house are many mansions.... I go to prepare a place + for you.' By the way, where is he going?"</p> + + <p>The deacon smiled sourly as he answered: "He becomes + chaplain of the State penitentiary."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>While a certain Scottish minister was conducting religious + services in an asylum for the insane, one of the inmates cried + out wildly:</p> + + <p>"I say, have we got to listen to this?"</p> + + <p>The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper + and said:</p> + + <p>"Shall I stop speaking?"</p> + + <p>The keeper replied:</p> + + <p>"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. + That man only has one lucid moment every seven years."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Bryan says his next statement will be divided into three + parts. Instinctively we recall the announcement of a + mountaineer preacher who said to his flock:</p> + + <p>"Brethren, I hev decided t' divide my sermon in three parts. + Th' fust part I'll understand an' you won't. Th' second part + you'll understand an' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll + understand."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be + a door-keeper in the house of the Lord?"</p> + + <p>"Because," answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while + the sermon was being preached."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his + Sunday sermon," says the <i>Fort Scott (Kan.) Tribune</i>.</p> + + <p>"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be + immortal, it is not necessary to be eternal."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No + matter how well you do, some people are never satisfied and + this is especially true in families.</p> + + <p>A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen + from New York at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon + their host had delivered the Sunday before. The host's son was + at the table, and one of the New York clergymen said to him: + "My lad, what did you think of your father's sermon?"</p> + + <p>"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were + three mighty fine places where he could have stopped."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Clergy.</p><a name="H_0447" + id="H_0447"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PREJUDICE</h2> + + <p>Prejudice means "judging before" you have the facts. Never + judge till after you have the facts. Nothing is so utterly + devoid of reason as a passionate hatred of any race or class. + All men are much the same when you come to know them. Class or + race faults are superficial. The human qualities strike + deep.—<i>Dr. Frank Crane</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A prejudice is a conviction not shared by you.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you like codfish?"</p> + + <p>"No, I don't like codfish, and I'm glad I don't like it, + because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I hate the damn + stuff."</p><a name="H_0448" + id="H_0448"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PREPAREDNESS</h2> + + <p>GRUBBS—"Are you planning to make any good + resolutions?"</p> + + <p>STUBBS—"No, I am already pretty well stocked up in + that way. You see, I never used those I made last + year."</p><a name="H_0449" + id="H_0449"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRESCRIPTIONS</h2> + + <p>"You must give up coffee and—"</p> + + <p>"I never drink it, doctor."</p> + + <p>"And stop smoking."</p> + + <p>"I don't smoke."</p> + + <p>"Humph! that's bad. If you haven't anything to give up, I'm + afraid I can't do much for you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why do you bring a check with the cocktails?"</p> + + <p>"That isn't a check. That's the house chemist's + certificate."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The curator of the museum was classifying Egyptian curios. + He observed a perplexed expression on the face of his young + assistant.</p> + + <p>"What seems to be the matter, Jones?" he asked. "Is there + anything you don't understand?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir," answered the helper. "Here is a papyrus on which + the characters are so badly traced that they are + indecipherable. How shall I classify it?"</p> + + <p>"Let me see," said the curator, examining the piece. "Just + call it a doctor's prescription in the time of Pharaoh."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Spirit writing—the modern doctor's + prescription—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Names, Personal.</p><a name="H_0450" + id="H_0450"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRETENSION</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak</p> + + <p class="i2">I wear to hide my real self from + view,</p> + + <p>And yet where'er I meet with other folk</p> + + <p class="i2">I always find they wear this garment + too.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pretension is a kind of golden veil</p> + + <p class="i2">Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my + face,</p> + + <p>And yet where'er I go I never fail</p> + + <p class="i2">To see that others wear it too with + grace.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pretension is a thing I say I hate</p> + + <p class="i2">In both myself and in my dearest + friend,</p> + + <p>And yet whene'er I slyly watch and wait</p> + + <p class="i2">I find in some regard we all pretend.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Ernest Powell</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed: + Nature never pretends.—<i>Lavater</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When half-gods go, the gods + arrive.—<i>Emerson</i>.</p><a name="H_0451" + id="H_0451"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRICES</h2> + + <p>"Have any trouble in getting your money back?"</p> + + <p>"Not a bit," replied the dissatisfied purchaser. "But I got + the worst of it, as usual. The price of the article had jumped + so by the time I got back to the store that they made a profit + by getting it in stock again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for + Jean to go to the hospital, her mother said:</p> + + <p>"I will make a bargain with you, Jean. If you will be a + brave little girl about your operation, you shall have the + nicest kitten I can find."</p> + + <p>Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under + the anesthetic, she realized how very wretched she felt. The + nurse leaned over to catch her first spoken word.</p> + + <p>"What a bum way to get a cat!" moaned the + child.—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The most cheerful sign is that counterfeiters are again + finding it worth while to make money.</p><a name="H_0452" + id="H_0452"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRIDE</h2> + + <p>Randolph Bourne, a brilliant American writer who recently + died, left many thoughts that stand out like cut diamonds. Here + is one: "Only Pride is creation."</p> + + <p>Pride forms one of the towering pillars in the structure of + efficient performance.</p> + + <p>Not until you feel the worth of what you do, are you able + freely to dominate and achieve. Through the hard days of + darkness and discouragement, up and beyond the gruelling grades + of steep ways, are you asked to go if you desire substantial + reward. It takes pride to endure.</p> + + <p>It is pride in a man's heart that makes him a willing gift, + in mind and body, to be taken in hand by some great idea or + noble cause.</p> + + <p>Pride does not stoop to littleness. Rather does it see in + the signs of unselfishness and sacrifice the elements that lead + to eternal character.</p> + + <p>Life is but a link in the chain of everlasting good.</p> + + <p>If a man dies, does lie live again? Yes, for a man lives + forever in the deeds and thoughts of his life expression. And + every man who shall pass his thought through every age that has + been, shall be whitened and renewed, to go on his way the + better for every creative thought left behind.</p> + + <p>It's the pride in a man's soul that leads him on!</p> + + <p>Pride creates first—then contributes in natural + turn.</p> + + <p>Until we become too proud to stoop to mean ways and unworthy + ends, we shall have tasted of but a sample of what life holds + in substance and bigness.—<i>George Matthew + Adams</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>To acknowledge our faults when we are blamed is modesty; to + discover them to one's friends in ingenuousness, is confidence; + but to preach them to all the world, if one does not take care, + is pride.—<i>Confucius</i>.</p><a name="H_0453" + id="H_0453"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRINTERS</h2> + + <p>Some of the finest jokes extant come through the fact that + the printer's finger slips. Here are some which, like all + others, are funny a long, long, long time afterward—never + at the time.</p> + + <p>A Chicago paper reported that the propeller <i>Alaska</i> + was leaving port with a cargo of 40,000 bushels of cats.</p> + + <p>A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took + the oath of office as President, said it was a spectacle never + to be forgotten when Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the + Supreme Court and a few witnesses, took his simple + bath.</p><a name="H_0454" + id="H_0454"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRISONS</h2> + + <p>BILL—"I see the authorities seriously object to the + prisoners forging checks while in Sing Sing."</p> + + <p>TILL—"Well, I suppose they think it is particularly + bad form for the prisoners to do that sort of thing while + enjoying the hospitality of the State."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VISTOR (at the jail)—"Poor man! What are you locked up + here for?"</p> + + <p>PRISONER (wearily)—"I suppose they think I'd get out + if I wasn't."</p><a name="H_0455" + id="H_0455"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROFANITY</h2> + + <p>When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair + at the table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the + chair.</p> + + <p>"Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision + from the mother.</p> + + <p>"I hope he is not sick."</p> + + <p>There was an anxious pause. "No, he is not sick," continued + the mother. "It grieves me to say, Richard, that our son, your + son, has been heard swearing on the street. I heard him + myself."</p> + + <p>"Swearing!" exclaimed the father. "I'll teach him to + swear!"</p> + + <p>And with that the angry parent started up-stairs in the + dark. Half-way up he stumbled and came down with his chin on + the top step.</p> + + <p>When the confusion had subsided Harry's mother was heard + saying from the hallway: "That will do, Richard, dear. You have + given him enough for one lesson."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Sometime ago a pious young clerical prevailed on a rather + profane aviator to take him for a flight. After attaining + several thousand feet the motor suddenly stopped, revealing to + the uttermost the aviator's gift of profanity.</p> + + <p>The alarmed pastor excitedly demanded if there was any + danger. The pilot replied sarcastically that there would be + prayer instead of profanity if there was any danger.</p> + + <p>The motor "cut in" again and the flight continued. Suddenly + the motor stopped again and notwithstanding the pilot's + efforts, accompanied by the usual lurid language, he was forced + to alight. Just as he flattened out for his landing, the pilot + was disconcerted by hearing the parson exclaim in fervid tones: + "Thank God the aviator is still swearing."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Small Ann's mother had been disturbed to hear her using the + word "devil." "My dear," said she, "that is a word we do + <i>not</i> use in polite society, and I never want to hear you + say it again."</p> + + <p>She noticed that her admonition was carefully heeded. Then + on Sunday evening, about two weeks later, the mother inquired + what the day's lesson had been about. "Why, mother," was Ann's + answer, "it was about when our Lord was tempted by + the—by—by—the—the <i>gentleman that + keeps hell!</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Young William was evincing much interest in the evening + paper, but finally a puzzled look came over his + countenance.</p> + + <p>"Mother," said he, finally, "what does D—d stand + for?"</p> + + <p>"Doctor of Divinity, my son. Don't they teach you the common + abbreviations in school?"</p> + + <p>"Sure; but that don't seem to sound right here."</p> + + <p>"Read it out aloud."</p> + + <p>"WITNESS: I heard the defendant say, I'll make you suffer + for this. I'll be doctor of divinity if I don't!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Say, Sam, why do you-all carry that parrot around with you + on the wagon?"</p> + + <p>"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se a membah of the chu'ch, but de + mule ain't, so I hauls the pa'ot to fu'nish the cussin' fo' de + mule."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FATHER—"I'm ashamed to see you crying because a bee + stung you. Act like a man."</p> + + <p>BOBBIE—"Y-yes, and th-then you-you'd gim-me a + li-lickin', like you s-said y-you would i-if yon ever h-heard + m-me usin' that k-kind of l-language."</p><a name="H_0456" + id="H_0456"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROFESSIONS</h2> + + <p>An ambitious young man went to a university professor and + said: "Sir, I desire a course of training which will fit me to + become the superintendent of a great railway system. How much + will such a course cost, and how long will it take?"</p> + + <p>"Young man," replied the professor, "such a course would + cost you twenty thousand dollars, and require twenty years of + your time. But, on the other hand, by spending three hundred + dollars of your money and three months of your time you may be + elected to Congress. Once there you will feel yourself + competent to direct not one but all the great railroad systems + of our country."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The reform warden always made it a point to give each new + arrival a chance to do the work with which he was familiar, if + the penitentiary dealt in his line. A tailor named Levinski + arrived, and it was ordered that he be employed at that trade, + if there was an opening. There wasn't. He was asked if he was + adept at anything else. "Yes," he replied, with a smile, "I am + a crackerjack traveling salesman."</p><a name="H_0457" + id="H_0457"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROFITEERS</h2> + + <p>The wicked garage-keeper was trying to figure out his income + tax.</p> + + <p>"If a man brings his car to me to be repaired, and it costs + me sixty cents, and I charge him sixteen dollars, what per cent + profit would I be making?" he demanded of his son and heir.</p> + + <p>"I'm sure I don't know, pop," answered that young hopeful. + "You'll have to get somebody who knows the rules of grand + larceny to tell you that. The rules for percentage wouldn't + cover it!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Say, Cy, I jest found out what a rube is."</p> + + <p>"Thet so, Hiram? What is it?"</p> + + <p>"Why, it's one o' them forty-one hour, ninety-five dollar a + week labor guys that thinks a farmer is goin' to sell him food + cheap."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Old Omar doubtless had us in mind when he spoke of the + profit's paradise to come.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Another reason why pickpockets seem to be on the increase + may be because profiteering isn't what it was a few months + ago.</p><a name="H_0458" + id="H_0458"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROGRESS</h2> + + <p>I was explaining the other day, to a member of our + organization, that there was no such thing as "standing still" + in this world—that we lost ground immediately we ceased + to make progress. Quick as a flash he put my thought in a few + words when he remarked, "We're either coming or going." That's + it exactly. When we do not improve, learn, develop old ideas or + find new ones—we go backwards. And you and I know how + fast we go, when there's no driving power to keep us going + forward.—<i>E. M. Statler</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things," said an old + colored lady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other + day I seen dat Rastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a + dollah's worth an' git off at the very same place he got on at, + an' I sez to him, 'Rastus,' I sez, 'yo' spent yo' money, but + whar yo' been?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beneath this starry arch,</p> + + <p class="i2">Naught resteth or is still;</p> + + <p>But all things hold their march</p> + + <p class="i2">As if by one great will.</p> + + <p>Move one, move all:</p> + + <p>Hark to the footfall!</p> + + <p>On, on, forever.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Harriet Martineau</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0459" + id="H_0459"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROHIBITION</h2> + + <p>A bone-dry nation means a life full of sorrows without any + chance of drowning them.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Classic Thoughts on + Prohibition</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I love fools' experiments.—<i>Darwin</i>.</p> + + <p>The rising world of waters dark and + deep.—<i>Milton</i>.</p> + + <p class="i10">Earth a failure, God-forsaken,</p> + + <p class="i10">Ante-room of + Hell!—<i>Kingsley</i>.</p> + + <p>If you have tears, prepare to shed them + now.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + + <p>The law is a ass, a idiot.—<i>Dickens</i>.</p> + + <p>Lean, hungry, savage + anti-everythings.—<i>Holmes</i>.</p> + + <p>The remedy is worse than the + disease.—<i>Bacon</i>.</p> + + <p>O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts.</p> + + <p>And men have lost their + reason.—<i>Shakespeare</i>.</p> + + <p>Drink today, and drown all sorrow;</p> + + <p>You shall perhaps not do't + tomorrow.—<i>Fletcher</i>.</p> + + <p>The Hell of waters!—<i>Byron</i>.</p> + + <p>The frigid theories of a generalizing + age.—<i>Disraeli</i>.</p> + + <p>O, happy, happy Liver!—<i>Wordsworth</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>E.H.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you think there's a chance of prohibition's being + repealed, after all?"</p> + + <p>"I hope not," answered Uncle Bill Bottletop; "anyhow, not + soon."</p> + + <p>"I thought you didn't quite approve of prohibition."</p> + + <p>"I don't, quite. But for years folks have been talking about + a lot o' chaps that 'ud be such wonders if they didn't drink, + an' I want to see 'em get a little more time to make good."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It is indeed a pleasure," remarked the man who approves of + prohibition, "to be able to walk the streets without seeing a + saloon on every corner."</p> + + <p>"And yet," returned the unregenerate one, "it's a great + comfort to know they are there, even if you don't see + them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Prohibition doesn't prohibit; it just provokes.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mamma, what does it mean when you're wined and dined?"</p> + + <p>"That's an obsolete term, Harold. Now you are only + grape-juiced and cornbreaded."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"This Prohibition outlook is a trifle expensive."</p> + + <p>"How so?"</p> + + <p>"Why, I've just had to build an addition to my wine + cellar."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well," said the first clubman, "we may have to drink water + pretty soon."</p> + + <p>"Water?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, that's the stuff the waiter brings you with your + napkin."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>When It Comes</i></p> + + <p class="i12"><i>We Shall Miss</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That appointment with an old business + acquaintance.</p> + + <p>Calendars from our favorite brewery.</p> + + <p>Blotters from same.</p> + + <p>Reunion dinners.</p> + + <p class="i6">(a) College.</p> + + <p class="i6">(b) Fraternity.</p> + + <p>Scientific dissertations on the only non-refillable + bottle.</p> + + <p>Stories about how Broadway spent New Year's eve.</p> + + <p>The real mint julep.</p> + + <p>The 5:15—without being unjustly accused.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>We Shall Not Miss</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sermons against rum.</p> + + <p>Sermons against Prohibition.</p> + + <p>The free lunch.</p> + + <p>The Southern gentleman who says he's the only man + who can make the real mint julep.</p> + + <p>German beer gardens.</p> + + <p>The man who never drinks without offering a + toast.</p> + + <p>New Year's eve on Broadway.</p> + + <p>Comic-opera drinking songs.</p> + + <p>A vote on the next Constitutional amendment.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BLUCK—"Why do vessels leaving New York make the + greatest speed the first three miles?"</p> + + <p>BLYNK—"The bartenders help stoke."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson + Gulch?"</p> + + <p>"No," answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. + Everybody seems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of + the boys."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"<i>Going Up</i>"</p> + + <p>SMITH—"Do you realize that we are beholding the + completion of a great cycle in history?"</p> + + <p>JONES—"Explain."</p> + + <p>"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was + bought from the Indians for six quarts of whisky."</p> + + <p>"Well?"</p> + + <p>"Well?—Within six months, maybe, the descendants of + those Indians will be able to buy it back for the same + price."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>I, U.S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to + be my last will and testament: To my beloved Cocktail I + bequeath three-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful + Highball I leave a large share of the blame. To my sister, + Wine, I give the family grapevine and kitchen still. To my + cousin, Cider, I bequeath the old apple orchard and enough + wormy fruit to keep the country moist and my memory green.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. + The lanky mountaineer drew himself up haughtily.</p> + + <p>"Mister, you got me wrong," he asserted. "Since prohibition + come in we-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Discovery</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I met a man</p> + + <p>Who knows a woman</p> + + <p>Who has a sister</p> + + <p>Who is married to a man</p> + + <p>Who is related to a girl</p> + + <p>Who knows a man</p> + + <p>Who knows a man</p> + + <p>Who has never pulled a prohibition joke.</p> + + <p>I shall try to trace him.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a + joker permitting the building of battleships for medicinal + purposes.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an + operation which removed a bone that pressed against the brain. + The Detroit News also reports a number of cures effected by the + removal of a brass rail that was pressing against the foot.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Having any success with your garden?"</p> + + <p>"The best ever," replied Mr. Jagsby.</p> + + <p>"What are you raising?"</p> + + <p>"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new + neighbors over his chickens and then a reconciliation I might + not have discovered that he had a well-stocked + cellar."</p><a name="H_0460" + id="H_0460"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROMOTERS</h2> + + <p>The man who was selling oil stock was asked if there were + any indications of oil where his company was drilling.</p> + + <p>"Indications!" he said. "Why, I should say so. We have three + thousand acres leased, have a standard rig up, have three + hundred feet of casing on the ground and more ordered, have our + company organized and incorporated and a million shares of + stock printed, have opened offices in three cities, have two + hundred people selling stock, are only forty miles from a pipe + line, and there was no oil found in those other wells about + there, so it must be in our well. Oh, we have plenty of + indications. How many shares do you want?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pop, what is a promoter?"</p> + + <p>"A promoter, my son, is a man who can make either a dollar + or a penny look like thirty + cents."—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0461" + id="H_0461"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROMPTNESS</h2> + + <p>On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the + department bureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was + dashing madly down the street when he was stopped by a friend, + who asked: "Why the deuce are you in such a tearing hurry?"</p> + + <p>"I am going," explained the clerk, "to the funeral of my + chief, and there is nothing he hates like unpunctuality."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm sorry to find the baroness out. Don't forget to tell + her I called, will you?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir, I'll tell her at once."</p><a name="H_0462" + id="H_0462"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PRONUNCIATION</h2> + + <p>"Wasn't it <i>fearful</i> about the Reims cathedral?"</p> + + <p>"Don't say Reems; it sounds <i>horribly</i> ignorant."</p> + + <p>"Well, how do you pronounce it?"</p> + + <p>"Why, <i>Hranss</i>."</p> + + <p><i>"How?"</i></p> + + <p>"Hn—Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. + See? Hranss!"</p> + + <p>"Well, <i>you</i> sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, + threatened with grip!"</p> + + <p>"Well, that's right, anyhow. + H—hn—hnh—<i>hrahnhss</i>!"</p> + + <p>"You'd better go to Arizona! You'll <i>never</i> get well + here! I don't believe you, anyway. Everybody says + <i>Reems</i>."</p> + + <p>"They don't, either!"</p> + + <p>"They do so!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you associate + with—"</p> + + <p>"Well, I <i>don't</i> go with a lot of fake highbrows, + anxious to show off the French they learned in a course of + lessons by mail—"</p> + + <p>"Better than a lot of country junks who don't know how to + pronounce—"</p> + + <p>"Oh, well, the church wasn't hurt much, anyhow."</p> + + <p>"No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like my + hat?"</p> + + <p>"Heavenly! What do you think of mine?"</p> + + <p>"Adorable! Let's go in and have soda."</p> + + <p>"Let's."—<i>Carolyn Wells</i>.</p><a name="H_0463" + id="H_0463"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROPERTY</h2> + + <p>"Property is the fruit of labor; property is desirable; is a + positive good in the world. That some should be rich shows that + others may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to + industry and enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down + the house of another, but let him work diligently and build one + for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be + safe from violence when built."—<i>Abraham + Lincoln</i>.</p><a name="H_0464" + id="H_0464"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROPOSALS</h2> + + <p>"No," said the positive girl, "I will never tie myself down + to one man."</p> + + <p>"Perhaps," he replied sarcastically, "if I organize a + syndicate you will consider our offer."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MERCHANT (to applicant for job)—"Sorry, but I only + employ married men."</p> + + <p>APPLICANT-"Do you happen to have a daughter, sir?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I love you! I love you!" he murmured for the nineteenth + time. "Speak! Answer me!"</p> + + <p>The maiden coyly hung her head.</p> + + <p>"I—oh, Tom, this is so sudden!" she pleaded.</p> + + <p>He drew her close to him.</p> + + <p>"Don't be afraid, darling!" he said gently. "Would you like + me to ask your mother first?"</p> + + <p>With a sudden cry of alarm she threw her arms around his + neck.</p> + + <p>"No, no!" she gasped. "Mother is a widow. I want you + myself!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Yes, she rejected me, but she did it in a most encouraging + way."</p> + + <p>"How was that?"</p> + + <p>"As I went away, she pointed to the footprints that I had + made on the carpet, and said: 'The next time you come to + propose to me, I want you to wipe your shoes clean!'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Long had he worshipped her at a distance, but his shyness + prevented him from proposing. Then, one evening, for the sake + of sweet charity, a theatrical performance took place, in which + the charmer was leading lady and more adorable than ever. + Afterward the shy admirer drew near, his love made valiant by + the sight of her beauty. "You are the star of the evening," he + said as they stood alone in a corner.</p> + + <p>"You are the first to tell me so," said the damsel with a + happy blush.</p> + + <p>"Then," he retorted promptly, "may I not claim my reward as + an astronomer?"</p> + + <p>The lady looked puzzled. "What reward?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Why, the right to give my name to the star I have + discovered!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's + father of her young man.</p> + + <p>"Very much indeed," replied the youth.</p> + + <p>"Can you support a family?"</p> + + <p>The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many + are there of you, sir?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FRANK—"When you proposed to her I suppose she said: + 'This is so sudden?'"</p> + + <p>ERNEST—"No, she was honest and said: 'This suspense + has been terrible.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One evening some time since John Henry called on the darling + of his heart, and while talking to the fair one he casually + referred to some of the hardships of the present day.</p> + + <p>"I see, Gladys," he remarked, "that the price of coal has + gone up again, and that it is hard to get at any price."</p> + + <p>"Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great + concern.</p> + + <p>"Yes," answered John Henry, "and they say they are also + advancing house rents, while sugar—"</p> + + <p>"Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one, + with a withering expression. "If you want to break off our + engagement, say so, but don't try to beat around the bush in + such a cowardly way."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Will you have me for your wife?" said the leap-year maiden, + sweetly.</p> + + <p>"Since you have suggested it, I will," he replied. "But just + remember, Mame, if I don't turn out to be all you expect you + have only yourself to blame."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The pretty girl of the party was bantering the genial + bachelor on his reasons for remaining single.</p> + + <p>"No-o-o, I never was exactly disappointed in love," he + meditated. "I was more what you might call discouraged. You + see, when I was very young I became very much enamored of a + young lady of my acquaintance; I was mortally afraid to tell + her of my feeling, but at last I screwed up my courage to the + proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married.'</p> + + <p>"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have + us!'"—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE (cautiously)—"Would you say 'Yes' if I asked you to + marry me?"</p> + + <p>SHE (still more cautiously)—"Would you ask me to marry + you if I said I would say 'Yes' if you asked me to marry + you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Congratulate me, Freddy. Last night your sister promised to + marry me."</p> + + <p>"Oh, she promised mother she'd marry you long + ago."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE-"I called to see your father this afternoon."</p> + + <p>SHE (fluttering visibly)-"Oh, did you?"</p> + + <p>HE—"Yes; he has been owing our firm a little bill for + some time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"So you want to marry my daughter," said Mr. Cumrox.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the young man. "I hope to hear you say take + her and be happy!"</p> + + <p>"No, sir. I'm not going to shoulder any implied + responsibilities. All I am going to say is 'take her.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HARRY—"Marry me and your smallest wishes will always + be fulfilled."</p> + + <p>CARRIE—"I am able to do that myself. What I want is a + man who will gratify my biggest wishes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I was speaking with your father last night," he said at + last, somewhat inanely.</p> + + <p>"Oh, were you?" answered the sweet young thing, lowering her + eyes. "Er—what were you—er—talking + about?"</p> + + <p>"About the war in Europe. Your father said that he hoped the + fighting would soon be over."</p> + + <p>The sweet young thing smiled.</p> + + <p>"Yes," she remarked. "I know he's very much opposed to long + engagements."</p><a name="H_0465" + id="H_0465"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PROSPERITY</h2> + + <p>For some people half the battle consists in looking + prosperous; the other half, in getting credit on the strength + of such prosperity.</p><a name="H_0466" + id="H_0466"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT</h2> + + <p>We all "ketch" 'em at the psychological moment:</p> + + <p>The doctor, when they think they are going to die.</p> + + <p>The lawyer, when they think they are going to be sent to + jail.</p> + + <p>The dentist, when they think a tooth is going to blow off + their heads.</p> + + <p>The tax collector, when they think they are going to be sold + out.</p> + + <p>The garage man, when they think they are going to have a + blow-out.</p> + + <p>The captain, when they think the major is on their + trail.</p> + + <p>The undertaker, when they don't think any + more!</p><a name="H_0467" + id="H_0467"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PSYCHOLOGY</h2> + + <p>"Father," said the small boy, "what is psychology?"</p> + + <p>"Psychology, my son, is a word of four syllables that you + ring in to distract attention when the explaining gets + difficult."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a + tin can by his side, attracted the attention of an old + gentleman who happened to be passing.</p> + + <p>"Going fishing?" he inquired, good-naturedly.</p> + + <p>"Nope," the youngster replied. "Take a peek in there."</p> + + <p>An investigation showed the can to be partly filled with + caterpillars of the tussock moth.</p> + + <p>"What in the world are you doing with them?"</p> + + <p>"They crawl up trees and eat off the leaves."</p> + + <p>"So I understand."</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm fooling a few of them."</p> + + <p>"How?"</p> + + <p>"Sending 'em up this + telephone-pole."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0468" + id="H_0468"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUBLIC, THE</h2> + + <p>What the country needs is not a phonographic record to + preserve a candidate's voice, but something to preserve what's + left of the voice of the people.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Ultimate Victim</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When capital wants extra gains.</p> + + <p>On profits tightens all the reins,</p> + + <p>Who has to suffer all the pains?</p> + + <p class="i4">The public.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When labor gets dissatisfied,</p> + + <p>And would conditions override,</p> + + <p>Who gets submerged beneath the tide?</p> + + <p class="i4">The public.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When strikes put up the price of food,</p> + + <p>And each side holds firm attitude,</p> + + <p>Who always has to make loss good?</p> + + <p class="i4">The public.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When street-cars cease to run, and balk</p> + + <p>At all conciliation talk,</p> + + <p>Who has to pay the freight and walk?</p> + + <p class="i4">The public.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When managers and actors fight</p> + + <p>And theaters are closed at night,</p> + + <p>Who sees amusement out of sight?</p> + + <p class="i4">The public.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who in disputes which rise each day,</p> + + <p>Is not permitted any say,</p> + + <p>But always loses either way?</p> + + <p class="i4">The public.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The public! the public! How many fools does it take to make + up a public?—<i>Chamfort</i>.</p><a name="H_0469" + id="H_0469"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUBLIC SCHOOLS</h2> + + <p>At a teachers' institute in an Eastern city a speaker said + that, in his opinion, "the trouble with the public-school + system of today is: The teachers are afraid of the principals, + the principals are afraid of the superintendent, he is afraid + of the school committee, they are afraid of the parents, the + parents are afraid of the children, and the children are afraid + of nobody!"</p><a name="H_0470" + id="H_0470"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUBLIC SPEAKERS</h2> + + <p>A captain in the merchant marine who received much + commendation for his wonderful courage and endurance during the + war was asked to address a meeting in the West. Ex-President + Taft spoke first and at considerable length, and when he had + finished the audience rose, almost to a man, to leave the + building. The chairman sprang to his feet, rushed to the edge + of the platform, and called excitedly: "Come back and take your + seats. Come back, every one of you! This man went through hell + for us during the war, and it is up to us now to do the same + for him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of the evening, + "in a few minutes I shall introduce the gentleman who is to + address you. It is not my function to deliver a speech at this + time, but I shall just use up five or ten minutes so that you + may know how good a speech you would have had to listen to were + I the speaker and he the chairman."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you ever taken a tail-spin in an airplane?"</p> + + <p>"No, but I've been called upon unexpectedly to make a + speech, and I guess the sensation is about the same."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It must break the theme of your lecture to be interrupted + by your audience."</p> + + <p>"The secret of success for a lecturer, my boy," replied the + foreign visitor, "is not to have a theme."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"That speaker certainly made a hit."</p> + + <p>"What did he talk about?"</p> + + <p>"About ten minutes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EMPLOYER (coming upon colored porter looking through the + dictionary)—"What are you doing, Sam; looking up some + more big words for another speech?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah. 'Tain't that. Ah's jes' translatin' the speech ah + made las' night."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHAIRMAN (of public banquet)—"Gentlemen, before I + introduce the next speaker, there will be a short recess, + giving you all a chance to go out and stretch your legs."</p> + + <p>GUEST—"Who is the next speaker?"</p> + + <p>CHAIRMAN—"Before telling you who he is, I would rather + wait until you come back."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at + Yale, declares he gets credit for only 25 per cent of the + after-dinner speeches he actually makes. "Every time I accept + an invitation to speak, I really make four addresses. First, is + the speech I prepare in advance. That is pretty good. Second, + is the speech I really make. Third, is the speech I make on the + way home, which is the best of all; and fourth, is the speech + the newspapers next morning say I made, which bears no relation + to any of the others."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What would be a good way to raise revenue and still benefit + the people?"</p> + + <p>"Tax every speech made in this country."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Many's de speech I has listened to," said Uncle Eben, "dat + left me wonderin' whether I was gettin' infohmation or + entertainment."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A noted Frenchman, on visiting England was asked to speak at + a banquet. Being interested in his subject he spoke at great + length. Suddenly realizing another speaker was to follow him he + closed his remarks with an apology, saying "I am very sorry but + there is another speaker and I am afraid I have cockroached on + his time."</p> + + <p>A burst of laughter greeted this remark and in much + confusion he turned to the Englishman next to him and asked + what break he had made.</p> + + <p>The Englishman, in a reassuring manner, said "It wasn't + exactly a break only here in England we don't say cockroach, we + say 'h—encroach.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A political meeting was on in a certain Iowa town and Thomas + R. Marshall, Vice-President of the United States, was to speak. + The hall was packed and the air was stifling. For some reason, + it was impossible to open the windows, and one had to be + broken.</p> + + <p>It was feared that the noise would startle the audience and + perhaps throw them into a panic. The mayor of the town stepped + forward to give warning. The audience, however, had not + assembled to listen to the mayor, and overwhelmed him with + cries of "Marshall! Marshall!"</p> + + <p>Silence was not restored till the infuriated official yelled + at the top of his voice:</p> + + <p>"I'm not going to make a speech! I have something to + say!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you know what it is to go before an audience?"</p> + + <p>"No. I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went + before I did."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A lank, disconsolate-looking farmer, stood on the steps of + the town hall during the progress of a political meeting.</p> + + <p>"Do you know who's talking in there now?" demanded a + stranger, briskly, pausing for a moment beside the farmer. "Or + are you just going in?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir; I've just come out," said the farmer, decidedly. + "Congressman Smiffkins is talking in there."</p> + + <p>"What about?" asked the stranger.</p> + + <p>"Well," continued the countryman, passing a knotted hand + across his forehead, "he didn't say."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You haven't had much to say lately," commented the old + friend.</p> + + <p>"True," replied Senator Sorghum. "But you must give me + credit for one thing—I realized the fact and kept + still."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered + a barber's shop in a small town to have his hair cut.</p> + + <p>"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here + tonight?"</p> + + <p>"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," + said the barber: "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every + seat in the hall is sold out."</p> + + <p>"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's + always my luck to have to stand when that Hay chap + lectures."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Politicians.</p><a name="H_0471" + id="H_0471"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUBLISHERS</h2> + + <p>He was a typical gamin, so diminutive in stature that I had + to stoop to interrogate him, which I did in this way:</p> + + <p>"Where do you get your papers, my little man?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, I buy 'em in the Times alley."</p> + + <p>"What do you pay for them?"</p> + + <p>"Fi' cents."</p> + + <p>"What do you sell them for?"</p> + + <p>"Fi' cents."</p> + + <p>"You don't make anything at that?"</p> + + <p>"Nope."</p> + + <p>"Then what do you sell them for?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, just to get a chance to holler."</p><a name="H_0472" + id="H_0472"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUNCTUALITY</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Epitaph for Any New Yorker</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I, who all my life had hurried,</p> + + <p class="i2">Came to Peter's crowded gate;</p> + + <p>And, as usual, was worried,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fearing that I might be late</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, when I began to jostle</p> + + <p class="i2">(I forgot that I was dead)</p> + + <p>Patient smiled the old Apostle:</p> + + <p class="i2">"Take your Eternity," he said.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Christopher Morley</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Alarm clocks.</p><a name="H_0473" + id="H_0473"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUNCTUATION</h2> + + <p>"Can't you stretch a point?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly," said the period. And thus was born the + comma.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A high-school girl said to her father the other night:</p> + + <p>"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. + You know something about punctuation, don't you?"</p> + + <p>"A little," said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of + paper she handed him.</p> + + <p>This is what he read:</p> + + <p>"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner"</p> + + <p>He studied it carefully.</p> + + <p>"Well," he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, + like this."</p> + + <p>"I wouldn't," said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash + after it!"</p><a name="H_0474" + id="H_0474"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUNISHMENT</h2> + + <p>In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was + attempting to teach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a + complete sentence?" he said.</p> + + <p>"Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim + reply.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore + police magistrate was a darky with no visible means of + support.</p> + + <p>"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?" asked his + Honor.</p> + + <p>"Well, jedge," said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at + present—jest circulatin' round, suh."</p> + + <p>His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said:</p> + + <p>"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired + from circulation for sixty days."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' + peace terms are read to her. The peace terms are very + severe—just, but very severe."</p> + + <p>The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. + He went on:</p> + + <p>"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was + convicted of stealing a hog.</p> + + <p>"'Rastus,' the judge said to him, 'you are fined $5.'</p> + + <p>"'Jedge,' said Rastus, 'Ah'm obliged to ye. Ah got dat five + spot right here in mah left-hand vest-pocket.'</p> + + <p>"'Well,' continued the judge, 'just dig down in your + right-hand vest-pocket, Rastus, and see if you can find thirty + days.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mamie had been naughty and her mother finally had recourse + to the time-honored remedy in such cases.</p> + + <p>"Mamma," she sobbed, "did Gran'ma spank you when you was + little?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, dear," said her mother, "she did when I was + naughty."</p> + + <p>"And did her mother spank her?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"An" was she spanked, too, when she was bad?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Well, who started this blamed thing anyhow?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Judge," said the man at the bar, "there's no use of you + trying to square this thing up. My wife and I fight just so + often and just so long, and we can't help it. So there you + are."</p> + + <p>"And about how long do you keep it up?" asked the judge.</p> + + <p>"About two weeks, judge."</p> + + <p>"All right. I'll give you fifteen days in jail; in other + words, you are interned for the duration of the war."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on + the new carpet)—"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over + spilled milk."</p> + + <p>TOMMY (indignantly)—"Any dunce would know that. If + it's milk that's spilled all you have to do is to call the cat + an' she'll lick it up cleaner'n anything. But this ain't milk, + an' mother'll do the lickin', is what ails me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Quite a good epigram, that," said the tramp, who had been + convicted for vagrancy.</p> + + <p>"What did he say?" asked the tramp's pal.</p> + + <p>"Seven days."</p> + + <p>"How d'you make that out an epigram?"</p> + + <p>"Why," said the tramp, "I once asked a parson what an + epigram was, and he said 'It's a short sentence that sounds + light, but gives you plenty to think about.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PARSON WHITE—"Brudder Lamkins, how did yer son come + outen de trial?"</p> + + <p>BRO. LAMKINS—"De Jedge done give 'im two mumfs in de + jayul."</p> + + <p>PARSON WHITE—"'Pears ter me like as if you outer be + pow'ful thankful. He got off mighty light, he did."</p> + + <p>BRO. LAMKINS—"'Twan't 's light's you seem to think. + Dey's agwinter hang 'im when de two mumfs is up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account + and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away + for a year at hard labor."</p> + + <p>"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of + the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' kinder split dat sentence? + Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labor + stand."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A German spy caught redhanded was on his way to be shot.</p> + + <p>"I think you English are brutes," he growled, "to march me + through this rain and slush."</p> + + <p>"Well," said the "Tommy" who was escorting him, "what about + me? I have to go back in it."</p> + + <p><i>See also</i> Marriage.</p><a name="H_0475" + id="H_0475"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PUNS</h2> + + <p>"Have you a little fairy in your home?"</p> + + <p>"No, but I have a little miss in my engine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SMALL SCOUT—"Dad, what are the silent watches of the + night?"</p> + + <p>INDULGENT FATHER—"They are the ones which their owners + forgot to wind, my son."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Here, boy," said the man to the boy who was helping him + drive a bunch of cattle, "hold this bull a minute, will + you?"</p> + + <p>"No," answered the boy, "I don't mind bein' a director in + this company, but I'm darned if I want to be a + stockholder."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MA—"You've been drinking. I smell it in your breath." + PA—"Not a drop. I've been eating frog's legs. What you + smell is the hops."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROF.—"What happened to Babylon?"</p> + + <p>FRESH.—"It fell."</p> + + <p>PROF.—"What happened to Tyre?"</p> + + <p>FRESH.—"It was punctured."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>That was a good, though rather a severe pun, which was made + by a student in one of our theological seminaries (and he was + not one of the brightest of the class, either), when he asked, + "Why is Professor —— the greatest revivalist of the + age?" and on all "giving it up," said, "Because at the close of + every sermon there is a 'Great Awakening.'"</p><a name="H_0476" + id="H_0476"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>PURGATORY</h2> + + <p>MARMADUKE ISOLATE (of Lonelyville).—"Pa, what is + Purgatory?"</p> + + <p>MR. ISOLATE (wearily).—"Purgatory? Why, Purgatory is a + sort of suburb of Heaven."</p><a name="H_0477" + id="H_0477"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>QUAKERS</h2> + + <p>After a long essay on the Quakers, taken largely from the + encyclopedia, a Western schoolboy finished off with this + original thought. "Quakers never quarrel, never get into + fights, and never scratch." Then, seeking for a demonstration + of the fact and a final touch, he added: "Pa is a Quaker, but I + kinda think that Ma isn't."</p><a name="H_0478" + id="H_0478"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>QUESTIONS</h2> + + <p>"You understand your duties thoroughly, don't you?" she said + to the new footman.</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am, certainly, ma'am."</p> + + <p>"And you know your way to announce?"</p> + + <p>"Well, ma'am, I shouldn't perhaps like to go quite so far as + that, but I think I know my weight to a pound or so."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Father, is the zebra a black animal with white stripes or a + white animal with black stripes?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Has Jobkins any money?" asked Hickenlooper.</p> + + <p>"Oh, he must have," said Garroway.</p> + + <p>"Oh, we all must have—but have we?" said + Hickenlooper.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There is an elevator boy in a New York office building, who + is among a large number of public servants that resent needless + questions.</p> + + <p>One day there entered his car a rather fussy old lady, and + garrulous as well.</p> + + <p>"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down in this elevator + all day?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am," said the boy.</p> + + <p>"Is it the motion going down?"</p> + + <p>"No, ma'am."</p> + + <p>"The motion going up?"</p> + + <p>"No, ma'am."</p> + + <p>"Is it the stopping that does it?"</p> + + <p>"No, ma'am."</p> + + <p>"Then what is it?"</p> + + <p>"Answering questions, ma'am."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My father and I know everything in the world," said a small + boy to his companion.</p> + + <p>"All right," said the latter. "Where's Asia?"</p> + + <p>It was a stiff question, but the little fellow answered + coolly: "That is one of the questions my father knows."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Owen Wister, the novelist, apropos of useless questions, + once told of a man who stood before a mirror in his room, his + face lathered and an open razor in his hand. His wife came in. + She looked at him and said, "Are you shaving?" The man, a foe + to surplusage, replied fiercely, "No; I am blacking the kitchen + range. Where are you—out driving or at a four-o'clock + tea?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Curiosity.</p><a name="H_0479" + id="H_0479"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RADICALS</h2> + + <p>A radical is a man without a sense of humor; a conservative + is one without a sense of the ridiculous.</p><a name="H_0480" + id="H_0480"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RAILROADS</h2> + + <p>"Where's the president of this railroad?" asked the man who + called at the general offices.</p> + + <p>"He's down in Washington, attendin' th' session o' some kind + uv an investigatin' committee," replied the office boy.</p> + + <p>"Where is the general manager?"</p> + + <p>"He's appearin' before th' Interstate Commerce + Commission."</p> + + <p>"Well, where's the general superintendent?"</p> + + <p>"He's at th' meetin" of th' legislature, fightin' some bum + new law."</p> + + <p>"Where is the head of the legal department?"</p> + + <p>"He's in court, tryin' a suit."</p> + + <p>"Then where is the general passenger agent?"</p> + + <p>"He's explainin' t' th' commercial travelers why we can't + reduce th' fare."</p> + + <p>"Where is the general freight agent?"</p> + + <p>"He's gone out in th' country t' attend a meeting o' th' + grange an' tell th' farmers why we ain't got no + freight-cars."</p> + + <p>"Who's running the blame railroad, anyway?"</p> + + <p>"The newspapers and th' legislatures."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old Cornish woman who had never before traveled by rail + went to a country station to catch a train. She sat herself + down on a seat in the station, and after sitting there for + about two hours, the station-master came up to her and asked + where she was going. On her telling him, he said:</p> + + <p>"Why, my good woman, the train has just gone, and there + isn't another for a long time!"</p> + + <p>"Why, lor'!" says the old lady, "I thought the whole consarn + moved!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What good," asked the angry would-be passenger, "are the + figures set down in these railway time-tables?"</p> + + <p>"Why," patiently explained the genial agent, "if it weren't + for them figures we'd have no way of findin' out how late the + train is."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The American in the first-class carriage of an English train + insisted on smoking. An angry Englishman protested, and when + about to appeal to the guard the American got ahead of him with + the remark: "Guard, I think you will find that that gentleman + is traveling with a third-class ticket on him."</p> + + <p>It proved to be true, and the sputtering Britisher was put + out.</p> + + <p>A spectator of the incident asked the American how he knew + about the ticket.</p> + + <p>"Well," explained the composed stranger, "it was sticking + out of his pocket and I noticed that it was the same color as + mine."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A new railroad through Louisiana strikes some of the towns + about a mile from the business center, so it is necessary to + run a bus line. A salesman stopping in one of the towns asked + the old darky bus driver about it:</p> + + <p>"Say, uncle, why have they got the depot way down here?"</p> + + <p>After a moment's hesitation the old darky replied: "Ah + dunno, boss, unless dey wanted to git it on de railroad."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Picking her way daintily through the locomotive plant, a + young woman visitor viewed the huge operations with awe. + Finally, she turned to a young man who was showing her through, + and asked:</p> + + <p>"What is that big thing over there?"</p> + + <p>"That's a locomotive-boiler," he replied. She puckered her + brows.</p> + + <p>"And what do they boil locomotives for?"</p> + + <p>"To make the locomotive tender," and the young man from the + office never smiled.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What kind of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"</p> + + <p>"It isn't a plant; it's a railroad."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The president of a certain railway in Kentucky which is only + ten miles long, was exchanging annual passes one year with + officials of other railways.</p> + + <p>He enclosed an annual pass on his railway to Stuyvesant + Fish, then president of the Illinois Central Railway, for + himself and family, with the request that Fish reciprocate.</p> + + <p>It seems that Fish had never heard of the Kentucky road, so + he instructed his secretary to look it up. As a result the pass + was returned with the following curt letter:</p> + + <blockquote> + DEAR SIR: + + <p>I find that your railroad is only ten miles long, while + my road is eleven hundred miles long. I herewith return + your pass made out in favor of myself and family.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + STUYVESANT FISH.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This was too much for the old Kentucky colonel, who made the + following notation on Fish's letter and sent it back:</p> + + <p>"You go to hell—<i>my railroad is as</i> WIDE <i>as + yours</i>".</p> + + <p>He received the Illinois Central pass by return mail.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Conductor!" shouted a passenger on the back-country + train.</p> + + <p>"That was my station, sir! Why didn't you stop?"</p> + + <p>"We don't stop there any longer," said the conductor. "You + see, the engineer is mad with the station agent!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Now will this train reach its destination on time?"</p> + + <p>"We hope so, but we don't guarantee it."</p> + + <p>"You mean you sell me a ticket to get to a certain place by + a certain time and then you give me no assurance I'll be there + at that time?"</p> + + <p>"That's about it."</p> + + <p>"Well, I'll take the ticket. But I'll get even! I won't + guarantee I'll be here when your darned old unguaranteed train + is ready to start, so I won't!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We are twenty minutes late," remarked the passenger. "Will + we make it up before we reach New York?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah; no, sah," answered the porter. "No, sah. The + engineer and fireman get time and a half for + overtime."</p><a name="H_0481" + id="H_0481"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>READING</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Books and reading</p><a name="H_0482" + id="H_0482"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REAL ESTATE</h2> + + <p>"It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find + Captain Kidd's treasure."</p> + + <p>"Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his + money into real estate and couldn't get it + out."</p><a name="H_0483" + id="H_0483"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REAL ESTATE AGENTS</h2> + + <p>STEVE—"That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development + Company has got the fastest car in this neck of the country. He + makes ninety miles an hour."</p> + + <p>HANK—"Some car! What's he want of such a speed + demon?"</p> + + <p>STEVE—"He's gotta have it when he's advertising his + development as being five minutes from the station."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A house-hunter, getting off a train at a suburban station, + said to a boy standing near:</p> + + <p>"My boy, I am looking for Mr. Smith's new block of + semi-detached houses. How far are they from here?"</p> + + <p>"About twenty minutes' walk," said the boy.</p> + + <p>"Twenty minutes!" exclaimed the house-hunter. "Nonsense! The + advertisement said five."</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the boy, "yer kin believe me or the + advertisement, whichever yer want. But I ain't tryin' to make + no sale."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Look here, you swindler!" roared the owner of the suburban + property to the real-estate man. "When you sold me this house, + didn't you say that in three months I wouldn't part with it for + $10,000?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly," said the real-estate dealer calmly, "and you + haven't, have you?"</p><a name="H_0484" + id="H_0484"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REALISM</h2> + + <p>Things that are what they appear to be are so rare that one + cannot tell them when one sees them.</p><a name="H_0485" + id="H_0485"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RECOMMENDATIONS</h2> + + <p>"Eh-yah! Young Doc. Purt is a pretty good doctor," admitted + the landlord of the Petunia tavern, in reply to the inquiry of + a guest who felt the need of a physician's advice. "In spite of + all the money he's spent for electrical apparatus and the fact + that he wears one of these 'ere three-cornered vanduct beards, + there have been no unusually distressing deaths in our midst + during the six months he has been with us."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The applicant for the job of office-boy presented his + credentials in a manner that bespoke his entire confidence that + the position would be his. The sour-looking old gentleman at + the head of the establishment read the paper carefully and then + surveyed the boy searchingly.</p> + + <p>"It is certainly a very nice thing for you to have these + recommendations from the minister of your church and your + Sunday-school teacher," said he, "and I must admit that you + look honest. All the same, I'd like to have a few words from + someone that knows you on + week-days."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You say you have good references?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am. I have over a 'undred splendid references."</p> + + <p>"And how long have you been in domestic service?"</p> + + <p>"Two years, ma'am."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A prominent New England educator tells of a Chinese cook in + Manila who was innocently carrying about a reference, written + by a saturnine Englishman, with which he expected to secure a + good position. The reference read as follows:</p> + + <p>"This man cooked for me six months; it seemed much longer. + He left on account of illness—my illness."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you any references?" inquired the lady of the + house.</p> + + <p>"Yis, mum, lots of thim," answered the prospective maid.</p> + + <p>"Then why did you not bring some of them with you?"</p> + + <p>"Well, mum, to tell the troot, they're just loike my + photygraphs. None of thim don't do me justice."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Here is a letter of recommendation given by a butcher to a + former employee:</p> + + <p>"Whomsoefer is de boss—</p> + + <p>"Dear Sir—Dis is to testify dot Hans Snyder vorked for + me von week. Ven he left I was perfectly + satisfied."</p><a name="H_0486" + id="H_0486"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RECRUITING</h2> + + <p>POLICEMAN (rounding up draft suspects)—"Have you got a + card?"</p> + + <p>THE SUSPECTED ONE (with suitcase)—"A whole case of + 'em! Which do you want to see—draft, registration, meat, + sugar, calling, milk, playing, or + postal-card?"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Before I left the United States," said Col. George Harvey + recently in London, "I agreed with a Columbia professor who + said preponderant power in men and money was bound to win the + war; but now I have a stronger argument—one which fell + from the lips of a recruiting-sergeant in the Strand + yesterday.</p> + + <p>"'Don't you want to be on the winning side?' said the + soldier to a group of civilians who he was suggesting should + don khaki.</p> + + <p>"'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' asked a + prospective recruit.</p> + + <p>"'Well, my lad,' said the sergeant, 'you know the Germans + have been trying for more than a year and a half to win and + have failed, don't you?"</p> + + <p>"'Yes,' replied the questioner.</p> + + <p>"'Well, then, we've been trying to lose during the same + period and we couldn't.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>United States Senator Howard Sutherland, of West Virginia, + tells a story about a mountain youth who visited a + recruiting-office in the Senator's State for the purpose of + enlisting in the regular Army. The examining physician found + the young man as sound as a dollar, but that he had flat + feet.</p> + + <p>"I'm sorry," said the physician, "but I'll have to turn you + down. You've got flat feet."</p> + + <p>The mountaineer looked sorrowful. "No way for me to git in + it, then?" he inquired.</p> + + <p>"I guess not. With those flat feet of yours you wouldn't be + able to march even five miles."</p> + + <p>The youth from the mountains studied a moment. Finally he + said: "I'll tell you why I hate this so darned bad. You see, I + walked nigh on to one hundred and fifteen miles over the + mountains to git here, and gosh, how I hate to walk back!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>RECRUITING OFFICER—"What's the good of coming here and + saying you're only seventeen years old! Go and walk around that + yard and come back and see if you're not + nineteen."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Conscription.</p><a name="H_0487" + id="H_0487"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RED TAPE</h2> + + <p>America consumes more red dye than any other color. This, as + you are aware, is the color chosen for government tape in + Washington.</p><a name="H_0488" + id="H_0488"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REGRETS</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Who Am I?</i></p> + + <p>I am frequently most potent in the morning, but I am willing + to abide with you at any time.</p> + + <p>I am what you feel if you get married or if you do not get + married.</p> + + <p>I am what the after-dinner speaker says he feels because he + came unprepared, and what the listeners show they feel without + saying it.</p> + + <p>I come to you when youth leaves you.</p> + + <p>I am yours when that sarcastic person drops a remark which + you cannot fittingly answer, and I am doubled when you are + later alone and think of just the brilliant retort you should + have given.</p> + + <p>I am what overwhelms you when you suffer an overwhelming + financial loss.</p> + + <p>I am the vainest of the vain.</p> + + <p>I am regret!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. EXE—"Here's an invitation from Mrs. Boreleigh to + one of her tiresome dinners. I hate them."</p> + + <p>EXE—"Why not plead that you have a previous + engagement?"</p> + + <p>MRS. EXE—"That would be a lie. Edith dear, write Mrs. + Boreleigh that we accept with pleasure."</p><a name="H_0489" + id="H_0489"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RELATIVES</h2> + + <p>"Have you any relatives living in the country?"</p> + + <p>"No; whenever we take a vacation we have to pay our own + board."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Old Millyuns says that since he made his pile of money he + feels like a neutral nation."</p> + + <p>"Why is that?"</p> + + <p>"Because he has so many diplomatic + relations."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0490" + id="H_0490"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RELIGIONS</h2> + + <p>Rowland Hill, when some persons entered his chapel to avoid + the rain that was falling, quietly observed, "Many persons are + to be blamed for making their religion a cloak, but I do not + think those are much better who make it an umbrella."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A man in the threadbare coat and a week's beard came out of + a downtown mission where he had signed the pledge and joined + the church, only to be nabbed for theft a half hour later.</p> + + <p>"Why did you make off with the pocketbook you saw this lady + drop in the street?" demanded the Judge in court.</p> + + <p>"It's all the minister's fault," declared the thief in + deprecation. "I went to him discouraged and out of money, and + he told me I must learn to take things as I found them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dr. Lyman P. Powell gives some examples of the lengths to + which petty bitterness between sects will sometimes carry men. + "A visitor in a certain town which had four churches and + adequately supported none, asked a pillar of one poor dying + church, 'How's your church getting on?' 'Not very well,' was + the reply, 'but, thank the Lord, the others are not doing any + better.'"</p><a name="H_0491" + id="H_0491"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REMEDIES</h2> + + <p>A Chinaman was asked if there were good doctors in + China.</p> + + <p>"Good doctors!" he exclaimed, "China have best doctors in + world. Hang Chang one good doctor; he great; save life, to + me."</p> + + <p>"You don't say so! How was that?"</p> + + <p>"Me velly bad," he said. "Me callee Doctor Han Kon. Give + some medicine. Get velly, velly ill. Me callee Doctor San Sing. + Give more medicine. Me glow worse—go die. Blimebly callee + Doctor Hang Chang. He got no time; no come. Save life."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The other day a negro went into a drug store and said:</p> + + <p>"Ah wants one ob dem dere plasters you stick on yoah + back."</p> + + <p>"I understand," said the clerk, "You mean one of our porous + plasters?"</p> + + <p>"No, sab, I don't want none ob your porous plasters, I wants + de bes' one you got."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Swedish farmer, who lived on his wheat farm in Minnesota, + was taken ill and his wife telephoned the doctor.</p> + + <p>"If you have a thermometer," answered the physician, "take + his temperature. I will be out and see him presently."</p> + + <p>An hour or so later when the doctor drove up, the woman met + him at the door.</p> + + <p>"How is he?" asked the doctor.</p> + + <p>"Veil," said she, "I bane put the barometer on him like you + tell me, and it say 'Very dry,' so I give him a pitcher of + water to drink, and now he ban gone back to vork."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BESSIE—"The doctor says mamma must take a + constitutional every morning. What's that mean?"</p> + + <p>BOBBY—"That means walking."</p> + + <p>BESSIE—"Then why didn't he say walk?"</p> + + <p>BOBBY—"I don't know, but I guess maybe if he called it + that he couldn't charge for it."</p><a name="H_0492" + id="H_0492"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REMINDERS</h2> + + <p>HE (to wife who is off for the beach)—"Now, don't + forget me, dear."</p> + + <p>SHE—"As if I could, Jack. The surf at night sounds + just like you snoring."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The late Horace Hutton used to say that having to take a + little trouble would impress a fact on any one's memory so that + he would never be able to forget it. In illustration he would + tell this story:</p> + + <p>"Our waitress, Maggie, could never remember to put salt on + the table, and time after time Mrs. Hutton would remind her to + do it. One morning it was absent, as usual, and I said, + 'Maggie, where is the stepladder?'</p> + + <p>"'It's in the pantry, sir!'</p> + + <p>"'Please bring it in, Maggie,' I said kindly.</p> + + <p>"Maggie brought it in with a look of wonder on her face.</p> + + <p>"'Put it right beside the table,' I commanded, and when she + had done so I added: 'Now, I want you to climb up to the top of + it, look all over the table and see if there is any salt + there.'</p> + + <p>"Maggie never forgot the salt again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"</p> + + <p>"My wife put it there to remind me to post a letter."</p> + + <p>"And did you post it?"</p> + + <p>"No; she forgot to give it to me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CONDUCTOR—"Do you mind if I put your bag out of the + way, sir? People coming in are falling over it."</p> + + <p>TRAVELER—"You leave it where it is. If nobody falls + over it I shall forget it's there."</p><a name="H_0493" + id="H_0493"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REPARTEE</h2> + + <p>"Pa, what is repartee?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, merely an insult with its dress-suit on, my + son."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST STUDENT—"The idea; my napkin is damp!"</p> + + <p>SECOND STUDENT—"Perhaps that's because there is so + much due on your board."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The big man with the I-know-it-all expression sneeringly + watched the little man who was eating from a sack of + peanuts.</p> + + <p>"Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs," + remarked the big man.</p> + + <p>"That so?" asked the little man. "Here, have some."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EINSTEIN—"I hear you already, and I dinks you vas + talking to yourself."</p> + + <p>ROSENBERG—"You vas a liar and a scoundrel! Do you hear + dot?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What would you say," began the voluble prophet, "if I were + to tell you that in a very short space of time all the rivers + will dry up?"</p> + + <p>"I would say," replied the patient man, "go thou and do + likewise."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm tired of always being the goat!"</p> + + <p>"Then, why don't you stop butting in?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Oh, say, who was here to see you last night?"</p> + + <p>"Only Myrtle, father."</p> + + <p>"Well, tell Myrtle that she left her pipe on the piano."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Willie, your master's report of your work is very bad. Do + you know that when Woodrow Wilson was your age he was head of + the school?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, pa; and when he was your age he was President of the + United States."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"You are an angel."</p> + + <p>"I guess that's right. An angel has but one gown and for her + the styles never change."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A stern old preacher had issued to his people a command + against dancing, believing it to be a device of the devil.</p> + + <p>A few of the young people disobeyed and attended a dance + given at a neighboring town. Finally it reached the ears of the + preacher, and, meeting one of the culprits on the street one + morning, he said in a stern voice:</p> + + <p>"Good morning, child of the devil!"</p> + + <p>"Good morning, father!" smilingly answered the pretty + miss.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUSTOMER—"The price of these shoes seems high. Wasn't + there something said about a movement to have it reduced?"</p> + + <p>CLERK—"Yes—but it's not on foot yet."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>UNCLE SILAS (visiting city relatives who use electrical + appliances for cooking at the table)—"Well, I swan! You + make fun of us for eatin' in the kitchen. I don't see as it + makes much difference whether you eat in the kitchen or cook in + the dining-room."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There had been a quarrel. "You're no lidy," remarked the + party of the first part "Ah!" replied the other. "If it wasn't + that I <i>was</i> a lidy, p'raps I'd be able to tell <i>you</i> + wot kind of a lidy <i>you</i> ain't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST TRAVELER (cheerily)—"Fine day, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>SECOND DITTO (haughtily)—"Sir! You have the advantage + of me. I don't know you."</p> + + <p>FIRST DITTO—"Humph! I fail to see the advantage."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We need brains in this business, sir."</p> + + <p>"I know you do. The business shows it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well! well!" exclaimed Mrs. Talker, looking up from the + morning paper. "Boots and shoes should be getting much cheaper + now. Here's a paragraph that states that they are being made + from all sorts of skins, even rat skins"; and then, trying to + be funny, she added, "I wonder what they do with banana and + orange skins?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, my dear," replied her husband, "they make + slippers!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The usual large crowd was gathered at the New York end of + the Brooklyn Bridge waiting for trolley-cars. An elderly lady, + red in the face, flustered and fussy, dug her elbows into + convenient ribs irrespective of owners.</p> + + <p>A fat man on her left was the recipient of a particularly + vicious jab. She yelled at him, "Say!"</p> + + <p>He winced slightly and moved to one side.</p> + + <p>She, too, sidestepped and thumped him vigorously on the + back.</p> + + <p>"Say!" she persisted, "does it make any difference which of + these cars I take to Greenwood Cemetery?"</p> + + <p>"Not to me, madam," he answered, slipping through an opening + in the crowd.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER (to American)—"You Yanks think + you've done a lot, but you forget we Australians have been at + the game for four years."</p> + + <p>"Well, what have you done, anyway?"</p> + + <p>"Done? We've been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, the plains of + Bethlehem, and—"</p> + + <p>"The plains of Bethlehem?"</p> + + <p>"Yes; I slept a week there myself."</p> + + <p>"Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds + watching their flocks!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, + for example, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. + The minister announced, just after the choir had sung its + anthem, as his text, "Now when the uproar had ceased." But the + singers bided their time patiently, and when the sermon was + over, rose and rendered in most melodious fashion another + anthem beginning, "Now it is high time to awake after + sleep."</p><a name="H_0494" + id="H_0494"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REPORTING</h2> + + <p>A noted artist was recently visited by an interviewer, who + fired at him from a question-sheet questions such as these:</p> + + <p>"Were your parents artistic? Which of your paintings do you + consider your best work? When, where, and why did you paint it? + How much did it bring you in? Who is your favorite dead master? + Favorite living master? What is your income from art? How + much—"</p> + + <p>But at this point the artist seized the interviewer by the + arm and began in his turn:</p> + + <p>"Just a moment, please. What is your name, age, and salary? + Is journalism with you a life-work or merely a means to a + higher literary end? How do you like your editor? State his + faults and salary. What was the best interview you ever wrote? + Give a brief summary of same. Have you ever been fired? How + does it feel? Where—"</p> + + <p>But here the interviewer, jerking his arm from the painter's + grasp, fled from the studio, and the artist cheerfully resumed + his work.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A "cub" reporter on a New York newspaper was sent to + Paterson to write the story of the murder by thieves, of a rich + manufacturer. He spread himself on the details and naively + concluded his account with this sentence:</p> + + <p>"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his + money in the bank the day before, so he lost practically + nothing but his life."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Journalism; Newspapers.</p><a name="H_0495" + id="H_0495"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REPUTATION</h2> + + <p>"So you come from New York," said an English lady to a + traveling American. "I supposed, of course, you came from + Boston."</p> + + <p>"Why did you think that?" inquired the New York lady.</p> + + <p>"Because I supposed all cultivated, intelligent Americans + came from Boston."</p> + + <p>"But what in the world made you think that?" was the natural + question.</p> + + <p>"Oh, I don't know, exactly. I think it was a Boston lady who + told me."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Having heard a popular make of motor-car highly spoken of, + he entered the depot with the idea of purchasing one. The + selection was soon made, and the customer expressed himself + ready to buy if he could have a trial trip. That, the salesman + explained, was impossible; the cars were sold on their + reputation only. The customer declined to buy without a trial, + and was leaving the store when the chairman of the company + entered, and the situation was explained to him.</p> + + <p>The chairman agreed that the salesman's attitude was + correct. "But," said he, "as I don't like turning money away, + I'll take you for a run in the car myself." The selected car + was brought out, the chairman took the driving wheel, the + customer sat alongside him, and the run began.</p> + + <p>For some time she ran beautifully. Then, halfway up a hill, + there was a sudden stoppage, and, do what he would, the driver + could not induce the car to move.</p> + + <p>Said the customer: "A jolly good thing I insisted on a + trial."</p> + + <p>Very red in the face, the chairman left the car, went to the + front and lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter. "Holy + smoke!" he exclaimed. "She's got no engine in her. She's run + two miles on nothing but her reputation."</p><a name="H_0496" + id="H_0496"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>REST CURE</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wish I was a little rock</p> + + <p class="i2">On top of yonder hill</p> + + <p>A doin' nothin' all day long</p> + + <p class="i2">But just a settin' still.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep</p> + + <p class="i2">I wouldn't even wash</p> + + <p>I'd set and set a thousand years</p> + + <p class="i2">And rest myself—<i>By Gosh!</i></p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0497" + id="H_0497"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RESTAURANTS</h2> + + <p>A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently + made his first visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he + went into a restaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a + rather meager meal. When the bill was presented it totaled + $8.35. The Missourian looked at the amount twice to make sure + his eyes were not deceiving him. Then he smiled. "Waiter," he + called, "you've made a mistake. I've got more money than + that!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>GUEST—"Look here! How long must I wait for the + half-portion of duck I ordered?"</p> + + <p>WAITER—"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't + go out and kill half a duck."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dr. C——, who was called to the far end of Long + Island to extract an appendix, missed the last train back, + stayed over night in a miserable hotel, and was waited on at + breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous country girl. Said + she:</p> + + <p>"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver."</p> + + <p>Said he:</p> + + <p>"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's yours?"</p> + + <p>"Coffee and rolls, my girl."</p> + + <p>One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee + was pushed over the counter. The fastidious person seemed + dazed. He looked under the mug and over it.</p> + + <p>"But where is the saucer?" he inquired.</p> + + <p>"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd + come pilin' in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot + of our swellest trade."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" + demanded the waiter in the Central Park restaurant.</p> + + <p>"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist.</p> + + <p>"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," + explained the waiter.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUSTOMER—"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the + strike been settled?"</p> + + <p>WAITER—"What strike, sir?"</p> + + <p>CUSTOMER—"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you + took my order?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AFFABLE WAITER—"How did you find that steak, sir?"</p> + + <p>GUEST—"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of + potato and there it was, underneath."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHAUFFEUR—"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle + cakes."</p> + + <p>WAITRESS—"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an + order of blow-out patches."</p><a name="H_0498" + id="H_0498"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RETALIATION</h2> + + <p>Even though the war was over, she decided to do her + patriotic duty along the hospitality line. So she called the + Army and Navy Club, and transmitted her invitation through a + suave-voiced officer.</p> + + <p>"I am Mrs. Humpfree McLeod, 33 First Avenue," she explained, + "and I should like to have two of your men come to dinner with + us Sunday at half-past one."</p> + + <p>"Yes. Thank you, Mrs. McLeod."</p> + + <p>"But wait—be sure, whatever you do, that they aren't + Jews!"</p> + + <p>The tone of her voice was emphatic.</p> + + <p>Sunday came, bringing two chocolate-colored khaki-clad + privates to the McLeod house. When Mrs. McLeod brushed into the + drawing-room to greet her soldiers, all a-smile, she was + surprised, to put it mildly.</p> + + <p>"Why!" she stammered. "Why, who invited you here?"</p> + + <p>"Our commanding officer," explained one, "Captain + Cohen."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>One morning Jorkins looked over his fence and said to his + neighbor, Harkins:</p> + + <p>"What are you burying in that hole?"</p> + + <p>"Just replanting some of my seeds, that's all," was the + answer.</p> + + <p>"Seeds!" exclaimed Jorkins, angrily. "It looks more like one + of my hens!"</p> + + <p>"That's all right," said the other. "The seeds are + inside."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's coming off out in front there?" asked the proprietor + of the Tote Fair store in Tumlinville, Ark.</p> + + <p>"A couple of fellers from Straddle Ridge swapped mules," + replied the clerk, "and now each is accusing the other of + skinning him."</p> + + <p>"Well, then, why don't they trade back?"</p> + + <p>"I reckon they are both afraid of getting skinned + again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MOTHER—"Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will + you?"</p> + + <p>JOAN—"I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't + speakin' to Fido since he broke my doll!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"It was mighty nice of you to give up your seat to that + stout old lady, Mr. Blinks. It is pleasant to see that there + are still some polite men left in the world."</p> + + <p>"Sorry, Mrs. Jabbers, but it wasn't politeness at all. The + man who sat next to me was quarrelsome because he said I + crowded him too much, and all I did was to use that stout old + lady as a sort of retort courteous."—<i>Judge</i>. "All + sorts and conditions of men have excellent explanations for + their position in life," said the Senator. "A tramp, however, + came under my observation who had no illusions about the cause + of his own condition.</p> + + <p>"A fine looking and fashionably dressed woman had just + alighted from her limousine at the hotel entrance, and was + suddenly approached by this shabbily dressed man who requested + a dime.</p> + + <p>"'No, I have no money to spare for you. I do not see why an + able-bodied man like you should go about begging.'"</p> + + <p>"'I s'ppose, ma'am,' replied the lazy tramp, 'it's fer about + the same reason that a healthy woman like you boards at a hotel + instead of keepin' house.'"—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Apropos of foreign honesty, Dr. Nicholas Butler tells this + story:</p> + + <p>"On a foreign railroad," he said, "a commuter had a row with + the conductor. At the end of the row the commuter turned to a + friend and said:</p> + + <p>"'Well, the P.D.R. will never see another cent of my money + after this.'</p> + + <p>"The conductor, who was departing, looked back and + snarled:</p> + + <p>"'What'll you do? Walk?'</p> + + <p>"'Oh, no,' said the commuter, 'I'll stop buying tickets and + pay my fare to you.'"</p><a name="H_0499" + id="H_0499"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ROADS</h2> + + <p>"How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer + Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" + "Not at all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't + call it a 'road.' We call it a 'detour.'"</p><a name="H_0500" + id="H_0500"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ROOSEVELT, THEODORE</h2> + + <p>"One beautiful autumn day," said the teacher, telling a + story, "Little Red Riding Hood was walking along a path in the + woods when she came to a sharp turn; and whom do you think she + saw standing there, with a row of shining white teeth gleaming + at her?"</p> + + <p>Up went a little hand.</p> + + <p>"Who was it, Willie?"</p> + + <p>"Mister Roosevelt."</p><a name="H_0501" + id="H_0501"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RUINS</h2> + + <p>An English nobleman was about to set out for India, and, + fearing that in his absence vandals might destroy a picturesque + ruin on his estate, he said to his steward: "I want you to + build a wall here"—he drew a tiny furrow with his stick + around the ruin—"a stone wall five feet high."</p> + + <p>On his return home the nobleman started for the spot. When + he reached it he rubbed his eyes in amazement. There was the + new stone wall, but he could see nothing towering up inside of + it. He turned excitedly to his steward:</p> + + <p>"Look here, where's the ruin, man?"</p> + + <p>"The ruin, my lord?" replied the steward. "Oh, that ould + thing! Sure, I used it to build the wall + with."</p><a name="H_0502" + id="H_0502"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>RUMMAGE SALES</h2> + + <p>"Oh, John," sobbed Mrs. John, "I've done something awful, + and I'm almost afraid to tell you—but I must! I made a + most awful mistake this morning and sent your new dress suit to + the rummage sale instead of your old one, and when I found out + what I had done and ran over to get it back, it had been + sold."</p> + + <p>"That's all right, Mabel, dear," said John amiably. "I + stopped in at the sale myself and bought it back for + thirty-five cents."</p><a name="H_0503" + id="H_0503"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SACRIFICES</h2> + + <p>"George, where are your school-books?"</p> + + <p>"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the + wounded, I gave mine to them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"But, my dear," said his wife, after he had complained about + the food the new cook had brought in. "You know during these + terrible times it is absolutely necessary that we make great + sacrifices."</p> + + <p>"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making + hers in the form of a burnt offering."</p><a name="H_0504" + id="H_0504"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SAFETY</h2> + + <p>Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been + many and black, bore himself with an air of complete + indifference and received the sentence of the supreme penalty + with a bored yawn. After he had been led on to the scaffold and + just as the hood and noose were about to be placed over his + head, the attendant priest, still persisting in his attempts to + awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man's deafness to his + prayers, asked him again for a final statement.</p> + + <p>The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested there + meditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest:</p> + + <p>"See here, old chap," he demanded, "is this thing perfectly + safe?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and + listened for an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he + drawled, "Boys, these feats of yours that you've been telling + about recall an adventure of my own in Hannibal. There was a + fire in Hannibal one night, and Old Man Hankinson got caught in + the fourth story of the burning house. It looked as if he was a + goner. None of the ladders was long enough to reach him. The + crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobody could think + of anything to do.</p> + + <p>"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch + a rope!' I yelled.</p> + + <p>"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I + flung the end of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your + waist!' I yelled. Old Man Hankinson did so, and I pulled him + down."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric + car)—"Would it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put + my foot on the rail?"</p> + + <p>MOTORMAN (an Edison man)—"No, mum, not unless you was + to put the other one on the overhead wire."</p><a name="H_0505" + id="H_0505"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SALARIES</h2> + + <p>"And about the salary?" said the movie star.</p> + + <p>"Well," said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose + we call it $5,000 a week?"</p> + + <p>"All right."</p> + + <p>"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we + call it—you will get $500."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Salary—something paid to you for what you do.</p> + + <p>Income—something paid to you for what your father + did.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?"</p> + + <p>"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger + from monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human + nature isn't so bad, after all."</p><a name="H_0506" + id="H_0506"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP</h2> + + <p>"Hey, what did you go and sell them apples fer?"</p> + + <p>"Ain't they fer sale?"</p> + + <p>"No. Them was the samples we take out to our automobile + customers."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Who," asked the officiating clergyman, formally but + impressively, "gives this bride away?"</p> + + <p>"I—I was to," stammered her father, "but I've been a + retail salesman too long to give anything away. Let somebody + else do it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (to sales-manager who has advertised + for a salesman)—"I'm answering your ad in today's + paper."</p> + + <p>SALES MANAGER—"Had much experience?"</p> + + <p>PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (confidently)—"Yes, sir. I've + sold most everything in my time."</p> + + <p>SALES MANAGER—"Then try selling me your services!" Mr. + Babcock was driving through the country, trying to buy a mule. + He was directed to a colored man who had one for sale.</p> + + <p>"Do you want to sell a mule?" asked Babcock.</p> + + <p>"Yaas, sah," replied the owner. "May I ask whar yo' live, + sah?"</p> + + <p>"What has that got to do with it?" queried Babcock.</p> + + <p>"Well," explained the negro, "I ain't gwine ter transfer dat + mule to nobody dat lives less dan two hundred miles away from + here. When I sells that mule I wants to git rid not only of de + mule, but of all conversation appertainin' to him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Mr. Smith, I represent the Stygian Life Insurance Company. + I know you don't want to talk to me or listen to me; I know you + have all the insurance you feel able to pay for. I am not here + to tell you your chances of dying tonight, or of being hit by + an automobile on leaving this building; neither shall I try to + convince you that my company can offer you anything more than + any other well-managed, long-established concern. I shall not + pretend that I am especially interested in your welfare and + wish to do you a service. I am trying to make a living. Here is + a blank application. You do not need to say any of the + commonplaces. Good day, Mr. Smith.</p> + + <p>"Ah, you have signed it. Permit me to insert the + amount—say $25,000. Our doctor will call on you tomorrow + at 12:01. Thank you, Mr. Smith. Yes; I am using a new method. + The idea came from the Four Minute speakers. Haven't lost a + prospect yet. But my time is up. I shall deliver your policy in + person, but that takes only one minute under the new system. + Good-bye."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I don't think I'll buy the house, but I've enjoyed the ride + out here. You run a good car."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I'm agent for this make. Can I book your order?"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Keep hollering—</p> + + <p>There's somebody</p> + + <p>Somewhere that'll</p> + + <p>Want what you've</p> + + <p>Got sometime!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>That clerk you all know died and approached the pearly + gates.</p> + + <p>"Give me a seat in the front row," he demanded of St. + Peter.</p> + + <p>"Sorry," said the hoary gatekeeper. "Heaven's all sold out, + but I can give you something just as good."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Trade was bad. At the end of another blank day the + discouraged salesman called on another prospective customer and + asked to show his samples.</p> + + <p>"No, there is nothing I want today," said the customer,</p> + + <p>"But will you just examine my line of goods?" the salesman + persisted.</p> + + <p>The customer would not.</p> + + <p>"Then," said the salesman meekly, "will you let me use a + part of your counter to look at them myself, as I have not had + the opportunity for some time?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I want a pair of the best gloves you have," said Mrs. + Nuritch at the glove counter.</p> + + <p>"Yes, ma'am," replied the polite salesman. "How long do you + want them?"</p> + + <p>"Don't git insultin', young man! I want to buy 'em, not hire + 'em."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How do you manage to sell so many fireless cookers?"</p> + + <p>"It's due to my method of approach," said the smart + salesman. "I begin my little talk by saying, 'Madam, I have + called to enable you to spend every afternoon at the + movies.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW MAN ON THE ROAD—"What is the best time for me to + see the head of this firm I'm working for, boy?"</p> + + <p>OFFICE BOY—"Between the time he gets your + sales-account and the time he gets your + expense-account."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>"Orders Is Orders"</i></p> + + <p>One of the traveling salesmen breezed back from a short + trip.</p> + + <p>"How's business?" grunted the manufacturer.</p> + + <p>"Fine," beamed the agent.</p> + + <p>Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars.</p> + + <p>"How fine?"</p> + + <p>"Got two good orders," the agent said.</p> + + <p>"Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?"</p> + + <p>"One," came the reply, "was from Mr. —— of + —— & —— who ordered me to 'Get + out,' and the other was from his partner who ordered me to + 'Stay out.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Booksellers and bookselling; + Mistakes.</p><a name="H_0507" + id="H_0507"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SALVATION</h2> + + <p>An evangelist was exhorting his hearers to flee from the + wrath to come. "I warn you," he thundered, "there will be + weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth."</p> + + <p>At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up.</p> + + <p>"Sir, I have no teeth."</p> + + <p>"Madam," returned the preacher sternly, "teeth will be + provided."</p><a name="H_0508" + id="H_0508"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SAVING</h2> + + <p>SON—"Dad, what is a savings account?"</p> + + <p>FATHER—"A savings account is that part of a man's + income which the government takes after permitting him to pay + for the necessities of life."</p> + + <p><i>See also</i> Economy; Thrift.</p><a name="H_0509" + id="H_0509"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SCANDAL</h2> + + <p>"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree + looked up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed + up."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Believe that story false that ought not to be + true.—<i>Sheridan</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,</p> + + <p>Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike;</p> + + <p>Alike reserv'd to blame, or to commend,</p> + + <p>A tim'rous foe, and a suspicious friend.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is + not sinful to sin in + silence.—<i>Molière</i>.</p><a name="H_0510" + id="H_0510"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SCHOLARSHIP</h2> + + <p>"What's the matter? You look thoughtful."</p> + + <p>"My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to + answer."</p> + + <p>"What of that?"</p> + + <p>"My average ranks me as a deficient kid."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?" asked the + millionaire.</p> + + <p>"I would put it even stronger than that," replied the + private tutor. "I may say that he is actually stranded on + them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want + you to keep as far away from him as you possibly can."</p> + + <p>"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the + time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> College students.</p><a name="H_0511" + id="H_0511"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SCHOOLS</h2> + + <p>A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country + schoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. + "What's yer bill o'fare?"</p> + + <p>"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the schoolmaster, "embraces + geography, arithmetic, trigonometry—"</p> + + <p>"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him + up well with triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the + family."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the + schoolboy who is trying to learn the dates of all the + revolutions.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CRABSHAW—"Why do you wish to leave school and go to + work when you're so young?"</p> + + <p>WILLIE—"It's this way, dad. School is going to be a + tough place for the next few years. We'll have a new map of + Europe to study, and if we fall down on it the teacher is + likely to give us the Constitution of the League of Nations to + learn by heart."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MAMMA—"How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you + able to sit up?"</p> + + <p>ROBERT—"I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on + my feet."</p> + + <p>MAMMA—"Well, I hope you will be able to go to school + Monday. This is Saturday—"</p> + + <p>ROBERT (jumping out of bed)—"Saturday! Gee! I thought + it was Friday!"</p><a name="H_0512" + id="H_0512"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT</h2> + + <p>EFFICIENCY EXPERT—"I am very gratified to see how many + new men you have taken on since I installed my system."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I hired 'em to take care of the + system."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0513" + id="H_0513"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SCOTCH, THE</h2> + + <p>An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in + reminiscences of sporting occasions.</p> + + <p>"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race," deposed the + Englishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently + painted won by the breadth of the coat of paint."</p> + + <p>"The closest race I ever saw," declared the Scotchman, "was + one in which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the + swelling of his nose."</p> + + <p>"The closest race I ever saw," said the Irishman, "is the + Scotch."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one + evening noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a + penny-in-the-slot machine that refused to deliver his purchase + or to return the penny. The next morning on passing the same + spot they saw the poor man dead beside the slot machine.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing + away merrily at their pipes.</p> + + <p>"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said + Donald.</p> + + <p>"Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy.</p> + + <p>"Weel," said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca + ye're thinkin' o' the awfu' expense, an' if ye're smokin' some + ither body's, yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old + Scotch whisky. He was walking briskly along the road toward + home, when along came a Ford which he did not side-step quite + in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got + up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something + warm and wet was trickling down his leg.</p> + + <p>"Oh, God," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get + his head blown off.</p> + + <p>A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, + who asked, anxiously:</p> + + <p>"Where's his head? He was smoking ma pipe."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for + a moment to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing + store, when the proprietor asked him if he would not try on a + coat.</p> + + <p>"I dinna ken but I wad," responded the emigrant, consulting + his watch; and he went in and set to work. No matter how often + he found a fit, he tried on another and another till he tried + on about thirty. Then, again looking at his watch, he resumed + his own garment and walked off saying:</p> + + <p>"Weel, I've lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that'll + no' obleege anither when he can!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Three Scotchmen were in church one Sunday morning when the + minister made a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, + hoping that every one in the congregation would give at least + one dollar or more. The three Scots became very nervous as the + collection plate neared them, when one of them fainted and the + other two carried him out.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.</p> + + <p>Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality + of the host knew no bounds except the several capacities of the + guests. In the midst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up + and made rounds of the company, bidding each a profound + farewell.</p> + + <p>"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not going yet, + with the evenin' just started?"</p> + + <p>"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But + I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Scotchman was strolling through the market-place one day + with his faithful collie at his heels. Attracted by a fine + display of shell and other fish, the Scot stopped to admire, + perhaps to purchase. The dog stood by gently wagging its tail + while its master engaged the fishmonger in conversation.</p> + + <p>Unfortunately for the dog, its tail dropped for a moment + over a big basketful of fine live lobsters. Instantly one of + the largest lobsters snapt its claws on the tail and the + surprised collie dashed off through the market, yelping with + pain, while the lobster hung on grimly, tho dashed violently + from side to side. The fishmonger for a moment was speechless + with indignation. Then turning to his prospective customer, he + bawled:</p> + + <p>"Mon, mon! whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog!"</p> + + <p>"Hoot, mon," returned the other, complacently, "whustle to + yer lobster!"</p><a name="H_0514" + id="H_0514"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SEASICKNESS</h2> + + <p>"My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a + duck-pond!"</p> + + <p>"I know, old boy—but I've taken + six—different—remedies."—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at + Washington took the several Justices of the Court for a run + down Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray + was getting decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the + rail in great distress the Chief Justice touched him on the + shoulder and said in a tone of deepest sympathy:</p> + + <p>"Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"</p> + + <p>"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your + Honor can overrule this motion."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An amateur sailor was making his first trip across the + Atlantic, and was in the throes of the <i>mal de mer</i> when + the ship's surgeon came across him.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" was the doctor's callous query.</p> + + <p>"O-o-oh!" was the only response as the young man rolled over + in agony.</p> + + <p>"Come, get up," derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. + "The ship's been torpedoed and will sink in ten minutes."</p> + + <p>"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. "Can't you + make it any sooner?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How was the trip over?" I asked one of our returning + soldiers.</p> + + <p>"Rough as thunder," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"Did they feed you well?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Six meals a day," he said.</p> + + <p>"Six?" I echoed.</p> + + <p>"Yes," was the laughing reply; "three down and three + up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A New York man was crossing the Atlantic with an army + officer who suffered greatly from sea-sickness.</p> + + <p>On entering the stateroom one particularly rough day, he + found the officer tossing in his berth, muttering in what at + first appeared to be a sort of delirium.</p> + + <p>Stooping over to catch his words, the friend heard him say: + "Sergeant ... major ... sergeant ... major ... + brigadier-general ... ugh, <i>lieutenant</i>-general ... + a-a-ah!"</p> + + <p>"What are you saying?" asked the friend in some alarm, as + the sufferer looked piteously up at him after his last gasping + "a-a-ah!"</p> + + <p>"Assigning the waves their rank," said the military man, + rolling toward the wall again. "There have been eight + lieutenant-generals within the last twenty minutes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST—"Nothing is ever lost! Everything + in the universe is in its right place at the right time!"</p> + + <p>MAN FROM MISSOURI—"Have you never been seasick?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in + such instances one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly + healthy.</p> + + <p>"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was + leaning on the rail.</p> + + <p>The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the + scorn he could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm + just hanging over the front of the boat to see how the captain + cranks it!"</p><a name="H_0515" + id="H_0515"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SECRETS</h2> + + <p>"Can you keep a secret, Peggy?"</p> + + <p>"I can; but it's just my luck to tell things to other girls + who can't."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ALICE—"I thought you could keep a secret."</p> + + <p>MABEL—"Well, I kept it for a week. Do you think I'm a + cold-storage plant?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JACK—"Did you tell her that what you said was in + strict confidence?"</p> + + <p>ETHEL—"No; I don't want her to think it was important + enough to repeat."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CRAWFORD—"I see that the Ku Klux are going to admit + women members."</p> + + <p>CRABSHAW—"Why, I thought it was a secret society."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It is said that an ancient Chinese sage who lived in the + second century was offered a bribe. His silence being accepted + as hesitation, he was assured that he was perfectly safe, as no + one knew it. He replied:</p> + + <p>"Heaven knows, it. Earth knows it. You know it. I know it. + How can you say that no one knows it?"</p><a name="H_0516" + id="H_0516"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SELF-MADE MEN</h2> + + <p>"Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the + architect of my own fortune."</p> + + <p>"Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say + is that it's a lucky thing for you there were no building + inspectors around when you were constructing + it."</p><a name="H_0517" + id="H_0517"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SENATE</h2> + + <p>FORWARDLOOKER—"The Senate has a plan to settle labor + disputes."</p> + + <p>CYNIC—"If labor would devise a plan for settling + Senate disputes, we might have peace."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The more we read about the Senate the more we understand the + word "jazz."</p><a name="H_0518" + id="H_0518"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SENATORS</h2> + + <p>"What is your position on this great question?"</p> + + <p>"My position," replied Senator Sorghum, "is somewhat like + that of a tight-rope walker. I don't want to stop to argue or + show off. What I want to do is to get across to solid + ground."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The interrogation 'Where did you get it?' causes me much + less apprehension," confessed Senator Smugg, "than the feeling + that some day the public may learn the answer to the question + 'Where did you put it?'"—<i>Puck</i>.</p><a name="H_0519" + id="H_0519"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SENSE OF HUMOR</h2> + + <p>SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT (cross-questioning the terrified + class)—"And now I want you boys to tell me who wrote + 'Hamlet.'"</p> + + <p>FRIGHTENED BOY—"P-p-please, sir, it-it wasn't me."</p> + + <p>That same evening the superintendent was talking to his + host, the squire of the village. The superintendent said:</p> + + <p>"Most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the + class over at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet.' + He answered tearfully, 'P-p-please, sir, it wasn't me.'"</p> + + <p>After loud and prolonged laughter, the squire said:</p> + + <p>"That's pretty good, and I suppose the little rascal had + done it all the time!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>British and American Humor</i></p> + + <p>Having observed in a London omnibus a notice warning + passengers to be careful as they alight, which is couched in + these terms: "Cinema actors risk their lives for pay! Don't do + it for nothing!" a New York journalist remarks that "an + American advertisement on that subject would be serious; the + British are more flippant in their seriousness than the + Americans."</p> + + <p>It seems as if this critic (writes a correspondent of the + Manchester Guardian) never saw the notices posted in the trains + used for conveying American troops in France during the last + six months of the war. Tho drawn up at American headquarters, + these notices are quite as "flippant in their seriousness" as + the one he quotes. One of them ran:</p> + + <p class="ctr">THREE KINDS OF FOOLS</p> + + <p>1. Fools.</p> + + <p>2. Damned fools.</p> + + <p>3. SOLDIERS WHO RIDE ON TOPS AND SIDES OF CARS.</p> + + <p>A great many American soldiers have already been killed as a + result of riding on tops of cars.</p> + + <p>There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of + cars and tunnel arches.</p> + + <p>There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of + cars and bridge superstructures.</p> + + <p>There is only a slight clearance between sides of cars and + signal-towers.</p> + + <p>IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE NEXT BLOCK KEEP YOURS INSIDE.</p> + + <p>There was another one worded as follows:</p> + + <p class="ctr">YOUR HEAD MAY BE HARD<br /> + But not so hard as Bridges and Tunnel Arches.</p> + + <p>Railway company will hold you responsible for damages to + bridges and tunnels and signal-towers—they are not + insured.</p> + + <p class="ctr">KEEP YOUR BLOCK INSIDE</p> + + <p>And yet another:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Huns are waiting.</p> + + <p class="i2">Trenches ahead.</p> + + <p class="i4">Speed up.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="ctr">KEEP YOUR IVORY IN!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY—"Y'r Honor, Oi think that + humorist should be prohibited from givin' his lecture in the + opera house tomorrow night, sor!"</p> + + <p>MAYOR OF TOWN—"Why so, Mooney? Is it immoral?"</p> + + <p>HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY—"Not immoral, sor; but they say + his humor is contagious!"</p><a name="H_0520" + id="H_0520"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SENTRIES</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Armies.</p><a name="H_0521" + id="H_0521"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SERMONS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Preaching.</p><a name="H_0522" + id="H_0522"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SERVANTS</h2> + + <p>MISTRESS—"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. + Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at + the very least."</p> + + <p>BRIDGET—"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been + here only t'ree weeks."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, + they passed an employment agency with this sign in the window: + "Colored Help Supplied."</p> + + <p>"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green + cook?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her + employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier + profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the + street.</p> + + <p>"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you + working now?"</p> + + <p>"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, + coyly; "I'se capering for a congressman."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WIFE—"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's + good, but somewhat out of style."</p> + + <p>HUSBAND—"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"</p> + + <p>WIFE—"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, + and I wouldn't offend her for the world."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. ECKS—"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served + us. And Mrs. Wise said she had such a treasure."</p> + + <p>MRS. WYE—"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. + She has the treasure locked in her room for fear one of the + guests might steal her."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MISTRESS—"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can + do tonight. We have a few very special friends coming for a + musical evening."</p> + + <p>COOK—"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak + of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down + for 'The 'Oly City'!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW MISTRESS—"How about the afternoon off?"</p> + + <p>NORAH—"Sure, mum, take wan—I'm willin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)—"Matthews! What + does this mean? How did this policeman get here?"</p> + + <p>COOK (equal to the occasion)—"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave + bin left over by the last cook."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah."</p> + + <p>"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the + callers for the family."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since + we moved out here," said Mr. Crosslots.</p> + + <p>"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report + has gone out that we have a good cook and they are trying to + get acquainted with her."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him + how to receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front + door, and when the new servant answered her ring she gave him + her card.</p> + + <p>The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they + presented their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them + with Mrs. Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:</p> + + <p>"Tickets no good; you can't come in."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MISTRESS—"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you + leave me."</p> + + <p>BRIDGET—"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a + houseful of company."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her + so badly that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when + she was away and offered the cook more money. The next time + they met at a big dinner Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.</p> + + <p>"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the + lady who sat between them.</p> + + <p>"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand + that she calls on my cook."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. EXE—"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was + burned?"</p> + + <p>MRS. EXE—"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told + her it was just right, but that we preferred it a trifle + underdone."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Does your family have any trouble with servants?"</p> + + <p>"No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them + stay around the place long enough to become really + troublesome."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the + park when one asked the other:</p> + + <p>"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"</p> + + <p>"I am afraid not."</p> + + <p>"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of + dancing!"</p> + + <p>"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to + tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its + mother."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. + "Well, I know them as flirts more than I do, and with less + hexcuse." She shot a spiteful look at her mistress and added: + "I'm better looking than you. More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? + Your husband told me so."</p> + + <p>"That will do," said her mistress, frigidly.</p> + + <p>"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a + better kiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, + mum?"</p> + + <p>"If you mean to suggest that my husband—"</p> + + <p>"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said Mary Ann. "It + was your chauffeur."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a + neighbor for a situation.</p> + + <p>"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. + Bliffkins.</p> + + <p>"Very well, thank you," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"I am glad to hear it," remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your + employer is a very nice lady, and you cannot do too much for + her."</p> + + <p>"I don't mean to, ma'am," replied Mary.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY—"Was the grocer's boy + impudent again this morning, Clara, when you telephoned the + order?"</p> + + <p>CLARA—"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot + for. I sez, 'Who d'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? + I'm Mrs. Smythe der Willoughby!'"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. GLABBERDEEN—"Of course you, too, must often + change cooks?"</p> + + <p>MRS. JALPERDILL—"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from + such a continual going and coming that we've decided this + winter to equip our kitchen with revolving doors."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VISITOR—"Why does your servant go about the house with + her hat on?"</p> + + <p>MISTRESS—"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this + morning, and hasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll + stay."—<i>Punch (London)</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, + judging from this advertisement:</p> + + <p>Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight + hours daily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 + to 8; all off for lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. + Apply—, etc.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HUSBAND (at dinner)—"By George, this is a regular + banquet. Finest spread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? + Do you expect company?"</p> + + <p>WIFE—"No, but I think the cook does."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a + fortune?"</p> + + <p>AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you any cooks on hand?"</p> + + <p>"Six in the anteroom."</p> + + <p>"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I + might suit."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE NEW MAID—"In my last place I always took things + fairly easy."</p> + + <p>COOK—"Well, it's different here. They keep everything + locked up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. X. had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for + another. Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. + Finally, putting on her things, she went out, and she hadn't + gone far when she met a neat-looking colored woman. She + explained her dilemma and the colored woman listened in + silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?"</p> + + <p>Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. gave her address, to + be met with this reply:</p> + + <p>"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see + yo' cook."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MISTRESS—"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a + time-waster. Can you promise that?"</p> + + <p>BRIDGET—"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, + about wastin' time that I make one job of prayin' and + scrubbin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you keep any servants?"</p> + + <p>"No, of course, not."</p> + + <p>"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a + time; but we don't keep them."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by + her mistress)—"And they all came in limousines, and had + on the grandest clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds."</p> + + <p>NEIGHBOR'S MAID—"And what did they talk about?"</p> + + <p>FIRST MAID—"Us."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, + Maggie," was the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a + new Irish domestic. "Don't you know that you should always hand + me notes and cards on a salver?"</p> + + <p>"Sure, mum, I knew," answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you + did."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill + from her wage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked + mistress heard her exclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; + that's fer helpin' me wash the dishes."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Recommendations.</p><a name="H_0523" + id="H_0523"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SERVICE</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Payment</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We pay too much with money, pay</p> + + <p class="i2">Our debts with gold, and only + gold—</p> + + <p>Bestow a purse and turn away,</p> + + <p class="i2">And think that song is bought and + sold.</p> + + <p>A queen paid Shakespeare for his wit,</p> + + <p>And thought that was the end of it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We pay too much with money, deem</p> + + <p class="i2">A dollar can discharge a debt,</p> + + <p>Or buy a dress, or buy a dream,</p> + + <p class="i2">Perhaps a spray of mignonette.</p> + + <p>The deft designer, what of her?</p> + + <p>And who can pay a gardener?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We must pay money, and pay more—</p> + + <p>The sustenance for daily need,</p> + + <p>And then the larger payment for</p> + + <p>The beauty dreamed, the planted seed—</p> + + <p>With service pay for service, give</p> + + <p>The larger things by which we live.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Each has his gift and each his art</p> + + <p>That men for others must employ;</p> + + <p>We must contribute each his part</p> + + <p>To make the universal joy—</p> + + <p>With service pay for service, pay</p> + + <p>Each in his own, his destined, way.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Douglas Malloch</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0523-1" + id="H_0523-1"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SERVICE STAR</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>The Gold Star</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Little golden service star,</p> + + <p>How I wonder who you are.</p> + + <p>Does a sweetheart, or a wife,</p> + + <p>Love you, little star of "Life?"</p> + + <p>Or a mother, proud but sad,</p> + + <p>Who gave all, her only lad?</p> + + <p>When I first beheld you there</p> + + <p>You were blue, born with a prayer.</p> + + <p>Golden star and star of blue—</p> + + <p>With one soul God gave to you—</p> + + <p>Do you know how proud we are</p> + + <p>Of the golden service star?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Beth Nichols</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0524" + id="H_0524"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SHOPPING</h2> + + <p>CLERK—"Now see here little girl, I can't spend the + whole day showing you penny toys. Do you want the earth with a + little red fence around it for a cent?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL—"Let me see it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?"</p> + + <p>"When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. + When they're shopping they ask if you haven't something more + expensive in stock."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets. + After the clerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters + with blankets of every description and color, the lady thanked + him and said: "I was just looking for a friend."</p> + + <p>"Well, madam," said the obliging clerk, "if you think your + friend is among these blankets, I'll look again."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?"</p> + + <p>"Yes; but why do you ask?"</p> + + <p>"I was just thinking that you might have done better if you + had shopped around a little more."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her + money. She rushed excitedly into the hardware department.</p> + + <p>"Give me a mouse-trap!" she exclaimed. "Quickly, please, + because I want to catch a train."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of + packages)—"Heavens! You must have had a successful + shopping day."</p> + + <p>WIFE—"Yes, dear, and that isn't the best of it. I have + actually got something that I am going to + keep."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old fellow who was noted through the town for his + stuttering as well as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, + stopped at a grocery and inquired:</p> + + <p>"How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?"</p> + + <p>"Eight, sir," replied the grocer.</p> + + <p>"T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?"</p> + + <p>"Some are tender and some tough," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick + out the four t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please."</p> + + <p>The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the + unusual request, and said in his politest tones:</p> + + <p>"These are the tough ones, sir."</p> + + <p>Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining + four, and exclaimed:</p> + + <p>"I'll t—t—take + th—th—th—these!"</p><a name="H_0525" + id="H_0525"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SIGHT SEEING</h2> + + <p>The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up + the steps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up + impatiently.</p> + + <p>"'Ere, you," he said to a man on top, "don't you want + Westminster Abbey?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"Well," retorted the conductor, "come down for it. I can't + bring it on the bus for you."</p><a name="H_0526" + id="H_0526"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SIGNS</h2> + + <p>Eva S——, twenty-four years old, a maid employed + in Jersey City, was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth + Street Police Station, charged with grand larceny. She is + alleged to have stolen $160 worth of articles from a Sixth + Avenue department-store.</p> + + <p>The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the + store which read: "Customers, please take small packages + home."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?" asked a + client of the cash tailor.</p> + + <p>"Well, well," replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it + hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be + today?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In a large park in one of the Eastern cities there are seats + about the bandstand with this notice posted on them:</p> + + <p>"The seats in the vicinity of the bandstand are for the use + of ladies. Gentlemen should make use of them only after the + former are seated."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole.</p> + + <p>"Here," exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!"</p> + + <p>"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer, "Well, why does the + sign say, 'Fine for Hitching'?'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>You have heard perhaps, of the Englishman in the South + Station, Boston, who read over a door "Inside Baggage," and + chuckled with glee: "You Americans are so droll! Now we should + say 'Refreshment Room.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Somebody ought to call attention to the public-library sign, + "Only low talk is permitted here."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The small boy's parents had distinct ideas of discipline. + The walls of the sitting-room were lined with tracts, and the + cane was always kept behind "Love one another."</p> + + <p>One day everything went wrong, and the little boy was + whipped eight times.</p> + + <p>After the eighth caning he said, between his sobs, + "D-d-don't you think it's t-time to take the cane from behind + 'L-love one another' and put it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every + hour'?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she + came rushing home in high excitement.</p> + + <p>"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There + are splendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they + are cheap."</p> + + <p>"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the + mother asked in astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing + a joke on you."</p> + + <p>"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and + down in her eagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of + the skating rink. It says, 'This week only, children half + price.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In Davenport: "We've given a service to our patrons that + compels them to think of Crooks when there's any laundry work + to be done." On a parsonage door in Trinidad, Colo.: "The last + man who tried to work me is in jail." On a tombstone in + Batavia: "If we must part let us go together." On State Street: + "Open all night. Latest moving pictures." In a Morton Park + dance-hall: "Use checkroom. Absolutely no clothes allowed in + this room." (Attention of Mayor Harrison.) On Franklin Street: + "Reign Umbrella Co." In the Spencer Hotel, Marion, Ind.: + "Discourteous treatment, by the waiters, if reported to the + proprietor, will be greatly appreciated."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the + point. They do not waste any time in wondering how the reader + will feel about it.</p> + + <p>In a garage at Albuquerque is posted:</p> + + <p>"Don't smoke round the tank! If your life isn't worth + anything, gasoline is!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Another home problem is solved by a firm of cleaners in + Grinnell, Iowa, which advertises: + "Notice—ladies—why worry about your dirty kids when + we clean them for fifteen cents?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Our readers," says the Boston Transcript, "often go into + movie theaters to laugh, but did you ever realize that you can + get many a good laugh by reading the funny wording of some of + the signs out in front and in the lobby? We have noticed how + audiences enjoy these funny signs which have been shown on the + screen in The Literary Digest 'Topics of the Day.' Here are + some of the most laughable ones mentioned:</p> + + <p>"Movie theater sign:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"'Watch Your Wife'</p> + + <p class="i6">Every Night This Week."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Albany Argus</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">"'Mother, I Need You</p> + + <p class="i8">for Three Days</p> + + <p class="i6">Beginning Nov. 30'."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>New York Globe</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"Sign in front of movie house:</p> + + <p>"'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her + husband'."</p> + + <p class="author">—<i>Columbus (O.) Citizen</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice," remarked the + tourist. "I wonder that they have not put up a + warning-board!"</p> + + <p>"Yes," answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a + warning-board up for two years, but no one fell over, so it was + taken down."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and + was in the habit of wearing his hat in the bank during business + hours. Every week a negro employee of the bank presented a + check and drew his wages. One day, as he was putting the money + in a worn and greasy wallet, the banker chanced to pass by, and + asked, "Look here, John, why don't you let some of that money + stay in the bank and keep an account with us?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sah," replied the negro, leaning toward the banker + and gazing curiously at the Panama hat he wore, "I'se always + afeared. You see, sah, you look like you was always ready to + start somewheres."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During revival meetings in a Western city placards giving + notices of the various meetings, subjects, etc., were posted in + conspicuous places. One day the following was displayed:</p> + + <p>"Subject—'Hell: Its Location and Its Absolute + Certainty.'</p> + + <p>"Thomas Jones, barytone, will sing 'Tell Mother I'll Be + There.'"</p><a name="H_0527" + id="H_0527"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SILENCE</h2> + + <p>I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he + approaches nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent, even + tho' he is in the right.—<i>Cato</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Nothing at times is more expressive than + silence.—<i>George Eliot</i>.</p><a name="H_0528" + id="H_0528"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SIMPLIFIED SPELLING</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Spelling.</p><a name="H_0529" + id="H_0529"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SIN</h2> + + <p>NEW CURATE—"What did you think of the sermon on + Sunday, Mrs. Jones?"</p> + + <p>PARISHIONER—"Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We + really didn't know what sin was till you came here."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Know'st thou not all germs of evil</p> + + <p class="i2">In thy heart await their time?</p> + + <p>Not thyself, but God's restraining,</p> + + <p class="i2">Stays their growth of crime.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Whittier</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis fearful building upon any sin;</p> + + <p>One mischief enter'd, brings another in:</p> + + <p>The second pulls a third, the third draws more,</p> + + <p>And they for all the rest set ope the door:</p> + + <p>Till custom take away the judging sense,</p> + + <p>That to offend we think it no offence.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Smith</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Lies.</p><a name="H_0530" + id="H_0530"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SINGERS</h2> + + <p>A quartette is where all four think the other three can't + sing.</p><a name="H_0531" + id="H_0531"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SKEPTICS</h2> + + <p>The heavy black clouds had massed in the east and west, the + lightning was flashing fiercely between the heavy incessant + rolling of the thunder.</p> + + <p>Francis was terribly frightened, and his fond mother had + gathered her young hopeful and tried logically to calm his + fears.</p> + + <p>"Don't be afraid, darling. There's nothing to fear. God + sends the thunderstorm to clear the air, water the flowers, and + make it cooler for us. Now, don't cry, dear; it won't harm you, + and everything will be better when it's over."</p> + + <p>The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother + finished he looked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; + you talk exactly the way you did last week when you took me to + the dentist to have the tooth pulled."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This a sacred rule we find</p> + + <p>Among the nicest of mankind,—</p> + + <p>To doubt of facts, however true,</p> + + <p>Unless they know the causes too.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Churchill</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0532" + id="H_0532"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SLANG</h2> + + <p>A Franklin professor says slang has its place, and he might + have added that the place seems to be everywhere.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do Englishmen understand American slang?"</p> + + <p>"Some of them do. Why?"</p> + + <p>"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has + cabled me to come across."</p><a name="H_0533" + id="H_0533"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SMILES</h2> + + <p>Smile! Never let your face look like a funeral; look like a + search warrant. The bud that cannot blossom dries up in the + stock. Smile, if you have to force it.</p> + + <p>When your voice sounds like a benediction, when your face + looks like an old lemon, folks are sure to sidestep you.</p> + + <p>What you give out you are reasonably sure to take in.</p> + + <p>Look for a fight and someone will put a black circle round + your left eye.</p> + + <p>Remember this: The face is more legible than an open book. + You can read the face at a distance and get it all at a glance. + The book compels you to thumb the leaves.</p> + + <p>Smile, you son-of-a-gun, smile!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>If I Knew</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If I knew the box where the smiles are kept,</p> + + <p class="i2">No matter how large the key,</p> + + <p>Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard</p> + + <p class="i2">'Twould open, I know, for me.</p> + + <p>Then over the land and sea, broadcast,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd scatter the smiles to play,</p> + + <p>That the children's faces might hold them fast</p> + + <p class="i2">For many and many a day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If I knew a box that was large enough</p> + + <p class="i2">To hold all the frowns I meet,</p> + + <p>I would like to gather them, every one,</p> + + <p class="i2">From nursery, school and street.</p> + + <p>Then, folding and holding, I'd pack them in,</p> + + <p class="i2">And, turning the monster key,</p> + + <p>I'd hire a giant to drop the box</p> + + <p class="i2">To the depths of the deep, deep sea.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Can you tell me what a smile is?" asked a gentleman of a + little girl.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir; it's the whisper of a laugh."</p><a name="H_0534" + id="H_0534"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SMOKING</h2> + + <p>"Have a cigar?"</p> + + <p>"No—don't smoke now."</p> + + <p>"Sworn off?"</p> + + <p>"Nope; stopped entirely."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Your wife doesn't kick about your smoking up the + curtains."</p> + + <p>"Nope, she can't have both curtains and coupons."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It was on a passenger train. The conductor in passing + through observed a man with a cigar in his mouth. "Hey, you + can't smoke in here," he bawled out.</p> + + <p>"I'm not smoking," quietly replied the passenger.</p> + + <p>"Well, you've got a cigar in your face," shot back the + conductor.</p> + + <p>"Suppose I have," continued the other good naturedly. "I've + got feet in my shoes and I'm not walking."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Mark Twain: A Pipe Dream</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well I recall how first I met</p> + + <p class="i2">Mark Twain—an infant barely + three</p> + + <p>Rolling a tiny cigarette</p> + + <p class="i2">While cooing on his nurse's knee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since then in every sort of place</p> + + <p class="i2">I've met with Mark and heard him + joke,</p> + + <p>Yet how can I describe his face?</p> + + <p class="i2">I never saw it for the smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At school he won a smokership,</p> + + <p class="i2">At Harvard College (Cambridge, Mass.)</p> + + <p>His name was soon on every lip,</p> + + <p class="i2">They made him "smoker" of his class.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who will forget his smoking bout</p> + + <p class="i2">With Mount Vesuvius—our + cheers—</p> + + <p>When Mount Vesuvius went out</p> + + <p class="i2">And didn't smoke again for years?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The news was flashed to England's King,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who begged Mark Twain to come and + stay,</p> + + <p>Offered his dukedoms—anything</p> + + <p class="i2">To smoke the London fog away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But Mark was firm. "I bow," said he,</p> + + <p class="i2">"To no imperial command,</p> + + <p>No ducal coronet for me,</p> + + <p class="i2">My smoke is for my native land!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For Mark there waits a brighter crown!</p> + + <p class="i2">When Peter comes his card to + read—</p> + + <p>He'll take the sign "No smoking" down,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Oliver Herford</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0535" + id="H_0535"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SNOBBERY</h2> + + <p>A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a + roomful of patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and + made up a very successful little monologue show, entirely + humorous. The audience in the main gave symptoms of being + slightly bored, but one highly intelligent maniac saw the whole + thing in the proper light, and, clapping the talented actor on + the shoulder, said: "Glad you've come old fellow. You and I + will get along fine. The other dippies here are so dashed + dignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put on + airs about it."</p><a name="H_0536" + id="H_0536"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SOCIALISTS</h2> + + <p>"What's the difference between a socialist and a + plutocrat?"</p> + + <p>"There are many; but the leading one is that the former + fights for his principle and the latter for his + interest."</p><a name="H_0537" + id="H_0537"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SOCIETY</h2> + + <p>"Dad, what's a social scale?"</p> + + <p>"Well, generally speaking old man, it's a place where money + is weighed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>REGULAR CUSTOMER—"I shall want a large quantity of + flowers from you next week for my daughter's coming out."</p> + + <p>FLOWER WOMAN—"Yes, mum. You shall 'ave the very best + for 'er, pore dear. Wot were she put in + for?"—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIS—"What makes you think it is easier for a rich + man to land in Society than for an immigrant to land in + America?"</p> + + <p>GILLIS—"In the former case the literacy test isn't as + strict."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AUNT—"You'll be late for the party, won't you, + dear?"</p> + + <p>NIECE—"Oh, no, auntie. In our set nobody goes to a + party until everybody else gets there."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Man it attracted to society by a desire to improve himself; + and leaves it for the same reason.</p><a name="H_0538" + id="H_0538"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SOCIOLOGY</h2> + + <p>Catalog Class: "300 is the number for sociology. Now what + does that word mean to you, children?" One little girl stands + up, smooths out her frock, straightens her bow, folds her + hands, and, being properly adjusted to recite, exclaims: + "Sociology is a science that teaches you how to + sew."</p><a name="H_0539" + id="H_0539"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SOLDIERS</h2> + + <p>Noah would have saved future soldiers a lot of trouble if he + had swatted those two cooties when they marched up the gang + plank of the ark.</p><a name="H_0540" + id="H_0540"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SOUND</h2> + + <p>Sound travels at the rate of 400 yards per second.</p> + + <p>Exceptions to this rule:</p> + + <p>Scandal: 1,000 yards.</p> + + <p>Flattery: 500 yards.</p> + + <p>Truth: 2½ yards.</p> + + <p>Alarm-clock:——?</p><a name="H_0541" + id="H_0541"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SOUVENIRS</h2> + + <p>Secretary of State Lansing slipped out of the council + chamber and went souvenir hunting in the palace. Luck was with + him, he said, for he found a remarkable piece of antique + wall-paper.</p> + + <p>Next day a frantic Japanese stenographer was looking for his + shorthand notes.</p><a name="H_0542" + id="H_0542"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SPECULATION</h2> + + <p>"My wife watches the sugar market closely."</p> + + <p>"Speculating?"</p> + + <p>"In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back + when it's low."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their + quiet wedding, had a quiet wedding breakfast <i>a deux</i>. + Astrakhan caviar, eggs pompadour, a truffled chicken, fresh + California peas, champagne—so the quiet breakfast + ran.</p> + + <p>"My dear," said the old millionaire, as the fruit course, a + superb Florida melon, came on, "tell me, dear"—and he + laid his withered hand on her young one—"do you love me + for what I am or for what I was?"</p> + + <p>The beautiful girl smiled down from the window into the + admiring eyes of a young clubman who was passing; then she bent + her clear, considering gaze on the gray ruin opposite and + replied:</p> + + <p>"I love you, George, for what you will be."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HARPER—"Foozle has a great scheme and he invited me + 'to get in on the ground floor.'"</p> + + <p>CARPER—"Don't forget that that is where the trap-doors + are."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HEWITT—"Don't you think I stand a good chance of + making a fortune out of that mine?"</p> + + <p>JEWITT—"Out of it, yes. In it, + no."</p><a name="H_0543" + id="H_0543"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SPEED</h2> + + <p>Spurr, the keeper of the livery stable, would never allow a + horse out of his sight without giving the hirer strict + injunctions not to drive fast.</p> + + <p>One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral.</p> + + <p>"Certainly," said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn + purpose for which his customer wanted the horse, he added, as + usual, "Don't drive fast!"</p> + + <p>"Look here, old man," was the reply, "I would like you to + understand that I shall keep up with the procession if it kills + the horse!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>INQUIRER (at South Station)—"Where does this train + go?"</p> + + <p>BRAKEMAN—"This train goes to New York in ten + minutes."</p> + + <p>INQUIRER—"Goodness! That's going some!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>With but three minutes to catch his train, the traveling + salesman inquired of the street-car conductor, "Can't you go + faster than this?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," the bell-ringer replied, "but I have to stay with my + car."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I was out over the speedway today, and in thirty seconds I + did a mile in four laps."</p> + + <p>"That's nothing. I know a young lady who did thirty miles in + one lap, and she would have done more if I hadn't got a cramp + in my knees."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A negro was on the stand in an Alabama courthouse testifying + to the details of a shooting scrape. The witness told how the + prisoner at the bar drew a revolver and began firing at one + George Henry, and how Henry ran to save himself.</p> + + <p>"You say Henry ran?" interjected the lawyer for the + defense.</p> + + <p>"Dat's whut I said."</p> + + <p>"You are sure he ran?"</p> + + <p>"Sho" is!"</p> + + <p>"Well, did he run fast?"</p> + + <p>"Did he run fa— Say, boss, ef dat nigger had o' had + one feather in his hand he'd o' flew."</p><a name="H_0544" + id="H_0544"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SPELLING</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If an S and an I, and an O and a U,</p> + + <p class="i2">With an X at the end spell "su,"</p> + + <p>And an E and a Y and an E spell I,</p> + + <p class="i2">Pray what is a speller to do?</p> + + <p>Then if an S and an I and a G</p> + + <p class="i2">And an H E D spell "side,"</p> + + <p>There's nothing much for a speller to do</p> + + <p class="i2">But go commit siouxeyesighed.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A Chicago man was walking through a foreign quarter of his + city when, with an amused smile, he stopped in front of a small + eating-place, on the window of which was painted in white, "Lam + Stew."</p> + + <p>Now the proprietor happened to be standing in the doorway, + and when he saw the smile of the gentleman who had stopped in + front of his place he asked to be favored with an explanation + of the joke.</p> + + <p>Whereupon the other explained about the missing "b" in + "lamb," and the proprietor accepted the correction in good + part, at the same time expressing his thanks.</p> + + <p>When next the Chicago man passed that restaurant he found + that the menu had been changed, but that the lesson in + orthography had not been forgotten. The proprietor was now + offering "Clamb Chowder."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The spelling-book's all wrong, mama! It don't look right + for a little thing like a kitten to have six letters and a big + cat to only have three."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair + young applicant for the stenographer's job.</p> + + <p>"I learned," she replied, "that spelling is essential to a + stenographer."</p> + + <p>The boss chuckled,</p> + + <p>"Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'"</p> + + <p>The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second.</p> + + <p>"There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you + prefer?"</p> + + <p>And she got the job.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JONES—"'Ow is your 'ealth today, Mr. 'Arrison?"</p> + + <p>HARRISON—"My name is not 'Arrison."</p> + + <p>JONES—"Well, if a haitch, a hay, two hars, a hi, a + hes, a ho and a hen don't spell 'Arrison, then what does it + spell?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A sailor was taken ill with a bad attack of rheumatism while + mine-sweeping on a trawler.</p> + + <p>The sick man was promptly ordered to hospital, but later on + the doctor found out, quite by accident, that he was still on + board ship.</p> + + <p>Angrily he asked why his order had not been obeyed.</p> + + <p>"Well," replied the captain, we tried to send him ashore, + but a sergeant of police hailed us and said that on no account + was he to be landed or we'd be fined £100, so we just + kept him on board."</p> + + <p>"But did you not signal to the depot, as I said."</p> + + <p>"Yes, we did; but neither me nor the signalman knew how to + spell rheumatism, so we called it smallpox."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>O-U-G-H</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>A Fresh Hack at an Old Knot</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm taught p-l-o-u-g-h</p> + + <p class="i2">S'all be pronounce "plow."</p> + + <p>"Zat's easy w'en you know," I say,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Mon Anglais, I'll get through!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My teacher say zat in zat case,</p> + + <p class="i2">O-u-g-h is "oo"</p> + + <p>And zen I laugh and say to him,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Zees Anglaiz make me cough."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He say "Not coo," but in zat word,</p> + + <p class="i2">O-u-g-h is 'off'</p> + + <p>Oh, Sacre bleu! such varied sounds</p> + + <p class="i2">Of words makes me hiccough!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He say "Again mon frien' ees wrong;</p> + + <p class="i2">O-u-g-h is 'up'</p> + + <p>In hiccough." Zen I cry, "No more,</p> + + <p class="i2">You make my t'roat feel rough."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Non, non!" he cry, "you are hot right;</p> + + <p class="i2">O-u-g-h is 'uff.'"</p> + + <p>I say, "I try to spik your words,</p> + + <p class="i2">I cannot spik zem though!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong!</p> + + <p class="i2">O-u-g-h is 'owe.'"</p> + + <p>"I'll try no more, I s'all go mad,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll drown me in ze lough!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But ere you drown yourself," said he,</p> + + <p class="i2">"O-u-g-h is 'ock'."</p> + + <p>He taught no more, I held him fast,</p> + + <p class="i2">And killed him wiz a rough.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Charles Battell + Loomis</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pa, what's phonetic spelling?"</p> + + <p>"It's a way of spelling that I often got whipped for when I + was your age."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I say, Hodge, why do you always put 'dictated' on your + letters? You don't keep a stenographer."</p> + + <p>"No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's + exceedingly rocky."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"And what did my little son learn about this morning?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, a mouse. Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses."</p> + + <p>"That's the boy! Now, how do you spell 'mouse'?"</p> + + <p>It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful + dodger. He paused meditatively for a moment, then said:</p> + + <p>"Father, I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a mouse teacher was + telling us about. It was a rat."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>What does Ghoughphteightteau spell? Give it up?</p> + + <p>Well, "gh" stands for "p" as in "hiccough"; "ough" stands + for "o" as in "dough"; "phth" stands for "t" as in "phthisis"; + "eigh" stands for "a" as in "neigh"; "tte" stands for "t" as in + "gusitte," and "eau" stands for "o" as in "beau." Put them + together and you have "P-O-T-A-T-O."</p> + + <p>Easy, isn't it?</p><a name="H_0545" + id="H_0545"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SPINSTERS</h2> + + <p>"Helen," said the teacher, "can you tell me what a 'myth' + is?" "Yeth, ma'am," lisped Helen; "it ith a woman that hath not + got any huthband."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WILLIS—"Going to the party?"</p> + + <p>GILLIS—"No. I haven't any lady."</p> + + <p>WILLIS—"Come with me. I've got two extras."</p> + + <p>GILLIS—"Who are they?"</p> + + <p>WILLIS—"Miss Oldbud and Miss Passé."</p> + + <p>GILLIS—"They're not extras. They're early + editions."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry an old maid," said + grandma at the wedding.</p> + + <p>"Why, grandma?" asked the son.</p> + + <p>"Well, gals is highty-tighty, and widders is kinder + overrulin' and upsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' + to please."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CHARLES—"Girls wish they were men."</p> + + <p>HERBERT—"Why do you say that?"</p> + + <p>"Because spinsters like to call themselves 'bachelor girls,' + but no bachelor ever calls himself an 'old-maid man.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher + thought when he explained the meaning of "old maid," as a woman + who had been made a long time.</p><a name="H_0546" + id="H_0546"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STAMMERING</h2> + + <p>They were going home from school.</p> + + <p>"Teacher said that that that that that girl used was + superfluous."</p> + + <p>"Here's the first pupil for my stammering school," said the + business man as he introduced himself.</p><a name="H_0547" + id="H_0547"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STAMPS</h2> + + <p>At the post-office a little girl deposited a dime in front + of the clerk and said: "Please, I forgot the name of the stamp + mama told me to get, but it's the kind that makes a letter + hurry up."</p><a name="H_0548" + id="H_0548"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STATISTICS</h2> + + <p>"If a man had put a hundred dollars in a savings bank twenty + years ago," said the statistician after dinner, "it would + amount to over two hundred now, and he could buy almost as much + for it now as he could have got for the original hundred at the + time he began to save."</p><a name="H_0549" + id="H_0549"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STENOGRAPHERS</h2> + + <p>"How many stenographers have you?"</p> + + <p>"Two."</p> + + <p>"I've seen only one of them."</p> + + <p>"Well, I've got a worse looking one to show my wife."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I met your husband today and he was telling me that he is + in love with his work."</p> + + <p>"Was he, indeed? I must take a look in at the office."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>A Long-Merited Toast</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I used to toast the royal queens</p> + + <p class="i2">And queens of beauty rare;</p> + + <p>I drained my glass to lovely lass</p> + + <p class="i2">And to her eyes and hair;</p> + + <p>But in these day of sober drinks</p> + + <p class="i2">There's one whose health to me</p> + + <p>Means vastly more than beauty or</p> + + <p class="i2">The blood of royalty:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here's to my stenographer!</p> + + <p class="i2">Long faithful to her duty.</p> + + <p>She'd win no prize for vampish eyes;</p> + + <p class="i2">Her freckles mar her beauty.</p> + + <p>Here's to her! Her specs! Her brain!</p> + + <p class="i2">I pledge her health in water!</p> + + <p>Cool, sober, staid, a precious maid;</p> + + <p class="i2">I love her—like a daughter!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She keeps my creditors at bay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Admitting only debtors;</p> + + <p>Collects the rent when she is sent,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or writes dry business letters;</p> + + <p>She always puts her fingers on</p> + + <p class="i2">The paper I require;</p> + + <p>Sums I can't add she's always glad</p> + + <p class="i2">To do, and doesn't tire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Here's to her bonny, busy hands!</p> + + <p class="i2">They never are erratic.</p> + + <p>I hope that they will type away</p> + + <p class="i2">For years, nor grow rheumatic!</p> + + <p>Here's to her modest salary!</p> + + <p class="i2">(I'd blush if I should tell it!)</p> + + <p>But for her grit I'd have to quit</p> + + <p class="i2">My business—couldn't sell it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Stanley R. Hofflund</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A Chicago banker dictating a letter to his stenographer. + "Tell Mr. Soandso," he ordered, "that I will meet him in + Schenectady."</p> + + <p>"How do you spell Schenectady?" asked the stenographer.</p> + + <p>"S-c, S-c—er—er—er—- Tell him I'll + meet him in Albany."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Stenographers can nod sometimes, even with the accuracy of + the dictating machine. Recently a merchant dictating into one + of these machines said:</p> + + <p>"The gentleman in question has sold our products in Hayti + for a period of over two years, and we have always found him + satisfactory in every detail."</p> + + <p>All came out all right in the transcription except one word, + and that word was the change from Hayti to Hades! And the + letter, being "dictated but not read," went!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I seem to remember that girl. Who is she?"</p> + + <p>"She was my typewriter last year."</p> + + <p>"She's charming! Why did she leave you?"</p> + + <p>"She was too conscientious for me. One day I proposed + marriage to her, and what do you think she did? She took all + that I said down in shorthand and brought it, nicely + type-written, for me to sign!"</p><a name="H_0550" + id="H_0550"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STOCK EXCHANGE</h2> + + <p>AUNT JANE (at the Stock Exchange)—"With seats selling + at $60,000, no wonder they are all standing up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FOOTLIGHT—"I see another seat at the Stock Exchange + has been sold for $55,000."</p> + + <p>Miss SUE BEETTE—"Wouldn't it be awful if the man who + paid for it found it was right behind a + post!"</p><a name="H_0551" + id="H_0551"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STRATEGY</h2> + + <p>WILLIE WILLIS—"Pa, what's strategy?"</p> + + <p>PAPA WILLIS—"Usually darn poor judgment that happens + to work out all right."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A young lady took down the receiver and discovered that the + telephone was in use. "I just put on a pan of beans for + dinner," she heard one woman complacently informing + another.</p> + + <p>She hung up the receiver, and waited. Three times she + waited, and then, exasperated, she broke into the + conversation.</p> + + <p>"Madam, I smell your beans burning," she announced crisply. + A horrified scream greeted the remark, and the young lady was + able to put in her call.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A lady entered a railroad-car and took a seat in front of a + newly married couple. She was hardly seated before they began + making remarks about her.</p> + + <p>Her last year's bonnet and coat were fully criticised with + more or less giggling on the bride's part, and there is no + telling what might have come next if the lady had not put a + sudden stop to the conversation by a bit of strategy.</p> + + <p>She turned her head, noticed that the bride was considerably + older than the groom, and, in the smoothest of tones, said:</p> + + <p>"Madam, will you please ask your son to close the + window?"</p> + + <p>The "son" closed his mouth, and the bride no longer + giggled.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Fore!" shouted the golfer, ready to play.</p> + + <p>But the woman on the course paid no attention.</p> + + <p>"Fore!" he repeated, with not a bit more effect than the + first time.</p> + + <p>"Try her with 'Three ninety-eight,'" suggested his partner. + "She may be one of those bargain-counter fiends."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Hans and Fritz, two small boys, had gone to the rink to + skate. Hans's overcoat hampered him and he wanted to get rid of + it. The German coat-room person does not check your coat unless + you pay your fee. The fee was only a penny, but Hans did not + have the penny. He was at a loss.</p> + + <p>"Huh! it's dead easy," spoke up Fritz. "Give me your + overcoat. I'll take it to the man at the checking place and say + I found it. He'll put it away. When you are ready to go home + you go to him and ask if anybody has turned a lost overcoat in + to him. Then, of course, you'll get yours."</p><a name="H_0552" + id="H_0552"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STREET-CARS</h2> + + <p>A very pretty but extremely slender girl entered a street + car and managed to seat herself in a narrow space between two + men. Presently a portly colored mammy entered the car, and the + pretty miss, thinking to humiliate the men for lack of + gallantry, arose.</p> + + <p>"Aunty," she said, with a wave of her hand toward the place + she had just vacated, "take my seat."</p> + + <p>"Thank you, missy," replied the colored woman, smiling + broadly, "but which gen'man's lap was you sittin' on?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Madam," said the man in the street-car, "I know I ought to + get up and give you my seat, but unfortunately I've recently + joined the Sit Still Club."</p> + + <p>"That's all right, sir," replied the woman. "And you must + excuse me for staring at you so hard: I am a member of the + Stand and Stare Club."</p> + + <p>She proved herself so active and conscientious a member that + the man began to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Finally he + rose and said: "Take my seat, madam; I guess I'll resign from + my club and join yours."</p><a name="H_0553" + id="H_0553"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>STRIKES</h2> + + <p>TEACHER—"Now, if I paid one man two dollars a day for + seven days, another three dollars and fifty cents for ten days, + and another four dollars and seventy-five cents for six + days—"</p> + + <p>REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the + union)—"You'd have the durndest strike on your hands you + ever saw, teacher."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Everybody's striking,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Said the Old Clock on the shelf;</p> + + <p>"It seems to be the fashion.</p> + + <p class="i2">So I think I'll strike myself.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But striking is my business—</p> + + <p class="i2">Did you ever see such luck</p> + + <p>I'll have to give up striking</p> + + <p class="i2">Just to show folks that I've struck!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE LADY-"So you're really one of the strikers?"</p> + + <p>THE LOAFER-"Yus, lidy. I'm wot they call one o' the pioneers + o' the movement. I went on strike twenty-three years ago, lidy, + and I ain't never give in yet."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A strike is not a "brake on industry." It's a displaced + switch.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE FATHER—"But have you enough money to marry my + daughter?"</p> + + <p>THE SUITOR—"Well, sir, at the moment I only get 300 + francs a month, but by going on strike every other month for + higher wages, I shall be getting 1,000 francs by the end of the + year."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EMPLOYER—"There's a spirit of unrest among my + men."</p> + + <p>VISITOR—"What about?"</p> + + <p>EMPLOYER—"Because they can not find any excuse to go + out on a strike."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0554" + id="H_0554"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUBSTITUTES</h2> + + <p>Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the + street-car ticket.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Neurasthenia," said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we + will have some chicken croquettes today out of that leftover + pork and calves' liver."</p> + + <p>"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we + got a little bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall + I make some apple sauce out'n hit, mum?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the + mother of a young man who admired her very much.</p> + + <p>While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old + niece of the young man came into the room and climbed into the + lap of her uncle, of whom she seemed very fond.</p> + + <p>The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; + but the child hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman + urged the child to come to her, saying again: "Won't you give + me a kiss?"</p> + + <p>The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she + brightened up and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup + has went and chawed up the court Bible."</p> + + <p>"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; + we can't adjourn court to get a new Bible."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. NEWLYWED—"Did you sew the button on my coat, + darling?"</p> + + <p>MRS. NEWLYWED—"No, love; I couldn't find the button, + and so I just sewed up the buttonhole."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TOURIST (in village notion-store)—"Whaddya got in the + shape of automobile-tires?"</p> + + <p>SALESLADY—"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid + cushions, and + doughnuts."—<i>Judge</i>.</p><a name="H_0555" + id="H_0555"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUBURBS</h2> + + <p>"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"</p> + + <p>"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the + feverish delight of the city."</p><a name="H_0556" + id="H_0556"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUBWAYS</h2> + + <p>"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is + there?"</p> + + <p>"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself + in Brooklyn."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR—"We may have to provide more + seats."</p> + + <p>SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The + Star-Spangled Banner' played on all + cars."—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0557" + id="H_0557"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUCCESS</h2> + + <p>Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball + player's batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the + right hits in the right place and keeping the good work + up—it's head work.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>He Must Dig</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He wanted a job, and, like every one else,</p> + + <p class="i2">He wanted a good one, you know;</p> + + <p>Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would + keep clean,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the salary must'nt be low.</p> + + <p>He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he half turned away with a shrug.</p> + + <p>But he altered his mind, and seizing the + spade—he dug.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He worked with a will that is bound to succeed,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the months and the years went + along.</p> + + <p>The way it was rough and the labor was hard,</p> + + <p class="i2">But his heart he kept filled with a + song.</p> + + <p>Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he + plugged</p> + + <p class="i2">Just as hard as he ever could plug;</p> + + <p>Their words never seemed to disturb him a + bit—as he dug.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The day came at last when they called for the + spade,</p> + + <p class="i2">And gave him a pen in its place.</p> + + <p>The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste,</p> + + <p class="i2">And victory shone in his face.</p> + + <p>We can't always get what we hope for at + first—</p> + + <p class="i2">Success cuts many queer jigs—</p> + + <p>But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed—if + he digs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Pleasant Hours</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man + who enters forges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for + anyone else. Not even his own children can pass this door. + Remember that the key that will unlock your greatest + opportunities must be forged by yourself. No outside Power, no + help from friends or relations can do as much for you as you + can do for yourself.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's doing your job the best you can</p> + + <p>And being just to your fellowman;</p> + + <p>It's making money, but holding friends,</p> + + <p>And staying true to your aims and ends;</p> + + <p>It's figuring how and learning why,</p> + + <p>And looking forward and thinking high,</p> + + <p>And dreaming a little and doing much;</p> + + <p>It's always keeping in closest touch,</p> + + <p>With what is finest in word and deed;</p> + + <p>It's being thorough, yet making speed;</p> + + <p>It's struggling on with a will to win,</p> + + <p>But taking loss with a cheerful grin;</p> + + <p>It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth</p> + + <p>And making better this good old earth;</p> + + <p>It's serving, striving through strain and + stress,</p> + + <p>It's doing your noblest—that's Success.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="drama"> + <p class="ctr"><i>Six Suggestions for Success</i></p> + + <p>To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the + greater achievement of the future.</p> + + <p>To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have + a smile for every living creature you meet.</p> + + <p>To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that + you will have no time to criticize others.</p> + + <p>To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too + strong for fear.</p> + + <p>To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to + the world—not in loud words, but in great deeds.</p> + + <p>To live in the faith that the world is on your side so + long as you are true to the best that is in you.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The + world only watches the successes.</p> + + <p>Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do + things that can be done.</p> + + <p>Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, + will help.</p> + + <p>You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over + your blunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and + say of you, "He's no good."</p> + + <p>Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will + only let you down lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you + will get up. Think down. Look down. Act down. And you will stay + down.</p> + + <p>Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a + success. Then think and work for it.</p> + + <p>Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the + gun.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>It Couldn't Be Done</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Somebody said that it couldn't be done,</p> + + <p class="i2">But he with a chuckle replied</p> + + <p>That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one</p> + + <p class="i2">Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried.</p> + + <p>So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin</p> + + <p class="i2">On his face. If he worried he hid it.</p> + + <p>He started to sing as he tackled the thing</p> + + <p class="i2">That couldn't be done—and he did + it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do + that—</p> + + <p class="i2">At least, no one ever has done it";</p> + + <p>But he took off his coat, and he took off his + hat,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the first thing we knew he'd begun + it.</p> + + <p>With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Without any doubting or quiddit,</p> + + <p>He started to sing as he tackled the thing</p> + + <p class="i2">That couldn't be done—and he did + it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be + done,</p> + + <p class="i2">There are thousands who prophecy + failure;</p> + + <p>There are thousands to point out to you, one by + one,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dangers that wait to assail you.</p> + + <p>But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Then take off your coat and go to it.</p> + + <p>Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing</p> + + <p class="i2">That "cannot be done"—and you'll do + it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Edgar A. Guest</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord + Fisher.</p> + + <p>"I once asked Lord Fisher," he said, "what he attributed his + rapid rise to.</p> + + <p>"'To power of initiative,' Lord Fisher answered + promptly.</p> + + <p>"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. + 'How would you define power of initiative?"</p> + + <p>"'Disobeying orders,' said Lord Fisher."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>It has been well said if you are doing anything + exceptionally well, "though you build your home in the heart of + the forest the world will make a beaten track to your + door."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While you are flirting with success</p> + + <p>And making plans to nab it,</p> + + <p>Some other chap, who fusses less,</p> + + <p>May rush right up and grab it.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The two keys to success are luck and pluck—luck in + finding some one to pluck.—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my + boy."</p> + + <p>"Are there no short cuts, father?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took + the short cuts."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"How is your little brother, Johnny?"</p> + + <p>"Sick abed. He hurt himself."</p> + + <p>"That's too bad. How did he do it?"</p> + + <p>"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, + and he won."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Determination.</p><a name="H_0558" + id="H_0558"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUITORS</h2> + + <p>The one who brings candy and eats most of it himself.</p> + + <p>The nice beau with the little automobile.</p> + + <p>The not-so-nice one with the big automobile.</p> + + <p>The handsome suitor who talks about himself.</p> + + <p>The man who likes theaters and tea.</p> + + <p>The man who would make a better uncle than husband.</p> + + <p>The one who means well.</p> + + <p>The right man.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"My dear," said the proud father, "I can not understand your + objection to young Prudely as a suitor for your hand. I am sure + that he is a model young man."</p> + + <p>"There is no question about his being a model," replied the + bewitching beauty; "but, father, dear, the trouble is that he + is a 1912 model."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HER MOTHER—"My daughter sings, plays the piano, + paints, understands botany, zoology, French, Italian—in + fact is accomplished in every way. And you, sir?"</p> + + <p>PROSPECTIVE SON-IN-LAW—"Well, in an emergency I + suppose I could cook a little and mend the + socks."</p><a name="H_0559" + id="H_0559"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUMMER RESORTS</h2> + + <p>"We are taking in boarders this summer."</p> + + <p>"Have they found it out yet?"</p><a name="H_0560" + id="H_0560"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUNDAY</h2> + + <p>The solemn Sabbath air was wracked by strident cries from + "de gang," engaged in a game of one-eyed cat. Finally the good + lady of the house ventured a protest and suggestion.</p> + + <p>"Boys," she said, "don't you know that it is Sunday and you + mustn't play ball in the front-yard? Go in the back-yard and + play, if you must."</p> + + <p>"Hey, youse!" yelled the leader to his followers. "Come on + in the back-yard. It ain't Sunday there."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i120"><i>Sunday the Thirteenth</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Must the new morn</p> + + <p class="i10">Be a Blue morn?</p> + + <p>Must we backward turn to find</p> + + <p class="i10">The kind of day</p> + + <p class="i10">To while away</p> + + <p>The stalwart modern mind?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Must the Sun day</p> + + <p class="i10">Be the one day</p> + + <p>When the sun is banned to all?</p> + + <p class="i10">Must our play day</p> + + <p class="i10">Be a gray day</p> + + <p>Locked behind a prison wall?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Must the rest day</p> + + <p class="i10">Be a pest day?</p> + + <p>Must we bore ourselves to death</p> + + <p class="i10">By boding ill</p> + + <p class="i10">From sitting still</p> + + <p>To curb each merry breath?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">Must the feast day</p> + + <p class="i10">Be the least day,</p> + + <p>Robbed of all the things we'd seek?</p> + + <p class="i10">Must our proud day</p> + + <p class="i10">Be a shroud day</p> + + <p>With rehearsals once a week?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Mabel Haughton + Collyer</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Keeping Calm</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have my share of grief and care,</p> + + <p class="i2">Beyond the slightest doubt;</p> + + <p>I have enough of dreadful stuff</p> + + <p class="i2">Each day to fret about.</p> + + <p>So when I see prepared for me</p> + + <p class="i2">A line of stuff like this:</p> + + <p>"The Sabbath gang now want to hang</p> + + <p class="i2">The man who steals a kiss!</p> + + <p>They'd kill the joy of man and boy,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'd spend the Sabbath day</p> + + <p>By motoring where song birds sing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And put all fun away!"</p> + + <p>I do not fret and get upset,</p> + + <p class="i2">And let that frighten me;</p> + + <p>Let others storm—that's one reform</p> + + <p class="i2">That's never going to be!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Edgar A. Guest</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Recent clerical utterances against Sunday amusements raise + the question of whether a clergyman, with six days for outdoor + recreation, is the one best qualified to pass on a Sabbath + schedule of toilers who work from sun to sun six days a + week.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LADY (to small boy who is fishing)—"I wonder what your + father would say if he caught you fishing on Sunday?"</p> + + <p>BOY—"I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a + little farther up the stream."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FOND MOTHER—"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told + you not to play with your soldiers on Sunday."</p> + + <p>REGINALD—"But I call them the Salvation Army on + Sunday."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Helen, I really cannot permit you to read novels on the + Sabbath."</p> + + <p>"But, grandma, this one is all right; it tells about a girl + who was engaged to three Episcopal clergymen all at once."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Enforcement of the blue laws would make Sunday not a day of + resting but of arresting.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>When the New York National League ball club was playing in + Boston, a local clergyman called at the hotel where the players + were stopping one Sunday to congratulate Mathewson on his stand + against playing on the Sabbath.</p> + + <p>The clerk made a few mysterious inquiries and then said: + "Sorry, sir, but Mr. Mathewson is out playing + golf."—<i>Everybody's</i>.</p><a name="H_0561" + id="H_0561"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUNDAY SCHOOLS</h2> + + <p>"Ef yo' had your choice, Liza, which would yo' rather + do—live, or die an' go to heaven?"</p> + + <p>"Ah'd rather live."</p> + + <p>"Why, Liza White, yo' scan'lous chile! Sunday-school hain't + done yo' no good'tall!"—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JIMMIE AND BOBBIE—"Mother I don't mind going to Sunday + school any other day, but it just spoils Sunday."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Raymond returned home from Sunday school in a very + joyous mood. "Oh, mother," he exclaimed as he entered the + house, "the superintendent said something awfully nice about me + in his prayer this morning!"</p> + + <p>"Isn't that lovely! What did he say, pet?" questioned the + mother.</p> + + <p>"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and + Raymond.'"</p><a name="H_0562" + id="H_0562"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SUPERSTITION</h2> + + <p>MRS. WIGGS—"Is Billy sick, Mrs. Skinner?"</p> + + <p>MRS. SKINNER—"Well, 'e ain't exactly sick, but no + stummick can stand thirteen buns! It's an unlucky + number."-<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?"</p> + + <p>"Not I."</p> + + <p>"I can't understand how you can have faith in such a silly + superstition."</p> + + <p>"No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay + day."</p><a name="H_0563" + id="H_0563"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SURPRISE</h2> + + <p>"Do you think Gladys was surprised when I proposed to her?" + inquired the happy youth.</p> + + <p>"About as surprised," answered Miss Cayenne, "as a candidate + who has received formal notification that he has been + nominated."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Boss entering his factory caught two of his employees + shooting craps during working hours. "Oh! what is the matter + with you?"</p> + + <p>"Well boss, I can't help it, you see you got rubber + heels."</p><a name="H_0564" + id="H_0564"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SYMPATHY</h2> + + <p>BEGGAR—"I haven't tasted food for a month."</p> + + <p>DYSPEPTIC—"You ain't missing much. It's the same old + taste."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The + conductor noticed a man who he thought was asleep.</p> + + <p>"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.</p> + + <p>"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger.</p> + + <p>"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed + for?"</p> + + <p>"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," + explained the passenger. "I hate to see the women + standing."</p><a name="H_0565" + id="H_0565"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>SYNONYMS</h2> + + <p>TEACHER—"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"</p> + + <p>HAWKINS—"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of + another when you cannot spell the other + one."</p><a name="H_0566" + id="H_0566"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TACT</h2> + + <p>"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young + husband.</p> + + <p>"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the + young wife's mother, in a private interview.</p> + + <p>"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say + so."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the + freezer. One day when his mother returned home she was + agreeably surprized to find him working away at the crank as + tho his life depended on it. "I don't see how you got him to + turn the freezer," she said to her husband; "I offered him a + dime to do it."</p> + + <p>"You didn't go at it in the right way, my dear," replied the + husband. "I bet him a nickel he couldn't turn it for half an + hour."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. X.—"Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you? + Why don't you try my plan?"</p> + + <p>MRS. Y.—"What is your plan?"</p> + + <p>MRS. X.—"Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and + gloves before I press the button. If it proves to be some one I + don't want to see, I simply say 'So sorry, but I'm just going + out.'"</p> + + <p>MRS. Y.—"But suppose it's some one you want to + see?"</p> + + <p>MRS. X.—"Oh, then I say, 'So fortunate, I've just come + in.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WIFE—"But, my dear, you've forgotten again that today + is my birthday."</p> + + <p>HUSBAND—"Er—listen, love. I know I forgot it, + but there isn't a thing about you to remind me that you are a + day older than you were a year ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of an + acquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given. When the + dessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and + given a place next to her mother at the table.</p> + + <p>The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in + relating some interesting incidents, quite forgot to give + little Charlotte anything to eat.</p> + + <p>After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no + longer. With the sobs rising in her throat, she held up her + plate as high as she could and said:</p> + + <p>"Does anybody want a clean plate?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop and, placing a + much-battered gold watch on the counter, said, "I want this + 'ere mended."</p> + + <p>After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm afraid, + sir, the cost of repairing will be double what you gave for + it."</p> + + <p>"I don't mind that," said the soldier. "Will you mend + it?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," said the jeweler, "at the price."</p> + + <p>"Well," remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a German a punch on + the nose for it, and I'm quite ready to give you two if you'll + mend it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also + a professor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how + she would address the great man.</p> + + <p>"Shall I call you 'doctor' or 'professor'?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"Oh! just as you wish," was the reply; "as a matter of fact, + some people call me an old idiot."</p> + + <p>"Indeed," she said, sweetly, "but then, they are people that + know you."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The hostess had trouble in getting Mr. Harper to sing. After + the song had been given, she came up with a smiling face to her + guest, and made the ambiguous remark:</p> + + <p>"Now, Mr. Harper, you must never tell me again that you can + not sing—I know now!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE HOST—"It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to + dinner."</p> + + <p>THE GUEST—"Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad + enough for that."</p><a name="H_0567" + id="H_0567"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TALKERS</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Words are like leaves, and where they most + abound,</p> + + <p>Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Pope</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"I have just heard of a woman who went to a hotel + unaccompanied and discovered that the acoustic properties of + her room were such that every time she spoke aloud there was an + echo. She then made a bold attempt to get in a last word, and + in so doing talked herself to death."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"A whole lot o' de talk dat goes 'round," said Uncle Eben, + "ain' no mo' real help in movin' forward dan de squeak in an + axle."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The school-teacher had punished Tommy so often for talking + during school hours, and the punishment had been apparently + without effect, that, as a last resort, she decided to notify + Tommy's father of his son's fault. So, following the deportment + word in his next report were these words, "Tommy talks a great + deal."</p> + + <p>In due time the report was returned with these words after + the father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Just Suppose</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">If all that we say</p> + + <p class="i6">In a single day,</p> + + <p>With never a word left out,</p> + + <p class="i6">Were printed each night</p> + + <p class="i6">In clear black and white,</p> + + <p>'Twould prove queer reading, no doubt.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">And then just suppose</p> + + <p class="i6">Ere one's eyes he could close.</p> + + <p>He must read the day's record through,</p> + + <p class="i6">Then wouldn't one sigh,</p> + + <p class="i6">And wouldn't he try</p> + + <p>A great deal less talking to do?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i6">And I more than half think</p> + + <p class="i6">That many a kink</p> + + <p>Would be smoother in life's tangled thread,</p> + + <p class="i6">If one-half that we say</p> + + <p class="i6">In a single day</p> + + <p>Were left forever unsaid.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Jenkins, a regular visitor in the doctor's consulting + room, started on the long story of her troubles. The doctor + endured it patiently and gave her another bottle. At last she + started out, and the doctor was congratulating himself, when + she stopped and exclaimed: "Why, doctor, you didn't look to see + if my tongue was coated."</p> + + <p>"I know it isn't," wearily replied the medical man. "You + don't find grass on a race track."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Another one of our patrons finds her husband a trifle too + studious. She called for a volume of Blackstone he had ordered + and when she saw the ominous size of the volume sighed deeply, + "That means I'll have to go out nights. He says I talk too + much!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Wives; Woman.</p><a name="H_0568" + id="H_0568"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TARDINESS</h2> + + <p>MR. PECK—"Would you mind compelling me to move on, + officer? I've been waiting on this corner three hours for my + wife!"—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the + morning?" demanded the boss angrily.</p> + + <p>"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one, "you kept + telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I + got so I didn't watch it at home either."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"This is the fourth morning you've been late, Rufus," said + the man to his colored chauffeur.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sah," replied Rufus. "I did oversleep myself, + sah."</p> + + <p>"Where is that clock I gave you?"</p> + + <p>"In my room, sah."</p> + + <p>"Don't you wind it up?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah."</p> + + <p>"And do you set the alarm?"</p> + + <p>"Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah."</p> + + <p>"But don't you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?"</p> + + <p>"No, sah, dere's de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing + goes off while I'm asleep, sah."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Professor Copeland, of Harvard, as the story goes, reproved + his students for coming late to class.</p> + + <p>"This is a class in English composition," he remarked with + sarcasm, "not an afternoon tea."</p> + + <p>At the next meeting one girl was twenty minutes late. + Professor Copeland waited until she had taken her seat. Then he + remarked bitingly:</p> + + <p>"How will you have your tea, Miss Brown?"</p> + + <p>"Without the lemon, please," Miss Brown answered quite + gently.</p><a name="H_0569" + id="H_0569"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TAX</h2> + + <p>The most successful statesman is going to be the statesman + who can devise a tax nobody will be able to detect.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MACPHERSON (at the box office)—"Will ye kindly return + me the amount I paid for amusement tax?"</p> + + <p>CLERK—"Why, sir?"</p> + + <p>MACPHERSON—"We wasna amused."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The man who ran the elevator of the sky-scraper was talking + to a passenger.</p> + + <p>"The judge certainly did soak him," he said. "He sentenced + him to three years and ten days. Now I understand the three + years all right; but what the ten days were for I'd like to + know?"</p> + + <p>"That was the war-tax," said a quiet citizen who got abroad + at the tenth floor.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. CASEY—"An' phwat are yez doin' wid thot + incoom-tax paper, Casey?"</p> + + <p>CASEY—"Oi'm thryin' to figger out how much money Oi + save by not havin' anny."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Tax? No wonder Men abhor it!</p> + + <p>You raise a Crop, they fine you for it!</p><a name="H_0570" + id="H_0570"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEACHERS</h2> + + <p>FATHER (meaningly)—"Who is the laziest member of your + class, Tommy?"</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"I don't know, pa."</p> + + <p>FATHER—"I should think you should know. When all the + others are industriously studying or writing their lessons, who + is it sits idly in his seat and watches the rest, instead of + working himself?"</p> + + <p>TOMMY—"The teacher."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The Literary Digest offers each week a prize of fifty + dollars for the best argument in compact form for better + salaries for teachers. The editor of The Reporter humbly + submits to the editor of The Digest this bit of pathos:</p> + + <p>"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?"</p> + + <p>"Flat. I'm a teacher."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The kindergarten had been studying the wind all + week—its power, effects, etc.—until the subject had + been pretty well exhausted. To stimulate interest, the + kindergartner said, in her most enthusiastic manner: "Children, + as I came to school today in the trolley-car, the door opened + and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek. What + do you think it was?"</p> + + <p>And the children joyfully answered, "The + conductor!"—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty + years ago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty + thousand dollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, + conscientious effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death + of an uncle who left her an estate valued at $49,999.50."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pa," inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, "is + it true that school-teachers get paid?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly it is," said the father.</p> + + <p>"Well, then," said the youth indignantly, "that ain't right. + Why should the teachers get paid when us kids do all the + work?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>While the school teacher was away at the annual meeting of + the state association she sent all of her little pupils a + postcard greeting. Little Edgar replied in kind and on his card + wrote: "I hope you are enjoying our vacation."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Fords.</p><a name="H_0571" + id="H_0571"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEACHING</h2> + + <p>About the most hopeful element in any human being's + character I should reckon to be teachableness.</p> + + <p>Wherever you meet a man who knows—and knows he + knows—and wards off any proof of reasoning of yours with + the impenetrable shield of a superior smile or the dull + hostility of a determined eye, you feel that between you and + him there can be no real dealings.</p> + + <p>The wisest minds I find are the most teachable. The wider + one's experience, the more thorough his study, the braver his + heart, and the stronger his intelligence, the more willing he + is to hear what you or any man may have to offer.</p> + + <p>Stubbornness is usually the instinctive self-defense of + conscious weakness. When one can do nothing else to show his + strength he imitates the mule—the most despised of + animals.</p> + + <p>Spinoza's maxim was that the two great banes of humanity are + self-conceit and the laziness coming from + self-conceit.—<i>Dr. Frank Crane</i>.</p><a name="H_0572" + id="H_0572"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEARS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Woman.</p><a name="H_0573" + id="H_0573"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TELEGRAPH</h2> + + <p>"Why did you strike the telegraph operator?" asked the + magistrate of the man who was summoned for assault.</p> + + <p>"Well, sir, I gives him a telegram to send to my gal, and he + starts readin' it. So, of course, I ups and gives him one."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Pap," said the colored youth, "Ah'd like you to expatiate + on de way dat de telegraph works."</p> + + <p>"Dat's easy 'nuf, Rastus," said the old man. "Hit am like + dis. Ef dere was a dawg big 'nuf so his head could be in + Bosting an' his tail in New Yo'k, den ef you tromp on his tail + in New Yo'k he'd bark in Bosting. Understan', Rastus?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, pap! But how am de wireless telegraph?"</p> + + <p>For a moment the old man was stumped. Then he answered + easily: "Jess prezactly de same, Rastus, wid de exception dat + de dawg am 'maginary."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of + their respective countries.</p> + + <p>"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "they tore down an auld castle in + Scotland and found many wires under it, which shows that the + telegraph was knoon there hoondreds o' years ago."</p> + + <p>"Well," said Pat, "they tore down an ould castle in + Oireland, and there was no wires found undher it, which shows + that they knew all about wireless telegraphy in Oireland + hundreds av years ago."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Soon after the instalment of the telegraph in + Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my + father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on + one of the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my + grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried, "Miss + Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news + out!"</p><a name="H_0574" + id="H_0574"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TELEPHONE</h2> + + <p>The editor of The Japan Times says the telephone service in + Japan is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had + he lived in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on + boils." He concludes with the following incident: "A lady in + Karuiwaza called up her house in Tokyo, left by the next train, + got the call, and talked to herself in Karuiwaza six hours + after she arrived in Tokyo."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation + between her Cape girl and the one next door:</p> + + <p>"How are you, Katje?"</p> + + <p>"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery + plumbing, elastic lights and a hoosit."</p> + + <p>"What's a 'hoosit,' Katje?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say + 'Hello,' and then some one says 'Hello,' and you say + 'Hoosit.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a + telephone for the first time in eighty-three years."</p> + + <p>"She must be on a party line."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten + minutes:</p> + + <p>"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)—"Hello? Who is this? + Who is this, I say?"</p> + + <p>MAN AT OTHER END—"Haven't got time to guess riddles. + Tell me yourself who you are."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I believe," said the impatient man, as he put aside the + telephone, "that I'll go fishing."</p> + + <p>"Didn't know you cared for fishing."</p> + + <p>"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of + finding myself at the end of a line that isn't busy."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised + between his thumb and forefinger.</p> + + <p>"No," answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. + I was."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over + the wire.</p> + + <p>"McCohan," the customer answered.</p> + + <p>"I beg pardon?" asked the girl.</p> + + <p>The man repeated it.</p> + + <p>The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait + a moment, please. I think the wires are crossed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I once knew an eccentric man," stated old Festus Pester, + "who when he had got the desired number on the telephone did + not demand fiercely, 'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said + civilly, 'This is John J. Poppendick, wishing to speak to Mr. + Buckover.' His funeral was the largest ever held in the + neighborhood where he had resided, and thereat strong men broke + down and wept like children, being convinced that they would + never again see his like."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the + telephone-box he called a wrong number. As there was no such + number, the switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted + again, but received no answer.</p> + + <p>The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to + shout a little louder, which he did, but still no answer.</p> + + <p>Again she said he would have to speak louder.</p> + + <p>Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said:</p> + + <p>"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your + bloomin' ould telephone at all!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Strategy.</p><a name="H_0575" + id="H_0575"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEMPER</h2> + + <p>Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, + when her grown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she + hoped the child would be a better girl tomorrow, and not make + everybody unhappy with her naughty temper.</p> + + <p>Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, + and then said, wisely:</p> + + <p>"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's + nerves."</p><a name="H_0576" + id="H_0576"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEMPERANCE</h2> + + <p>THE MAN (to a New York waiter)—"—and a glass of + good beer!"</p> + + <p>THE WAITER—"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance + beverages."</p> + + <p>THE MAN—"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island."</p> + + <p>THE WAITER—"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by + an act of Providence."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the + use of all intoxicants.</p> + + <p>"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the + world was at the bottom of the ocean," he said.</p> + + <p>Hastily Pat arose to his feet.</p> + + <p>"Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. "I wish every bit of + it was at the bottom of the sea."</p> + + <p>As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered + Pat.</p> + + <p>"I certainly am proud of you," he said. "It was a brave + thing for you to rise and say what you did. Are you a + teetotaler?"</p> + + <p>"No, indade, sor," answered Pat. "I'm a diver."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet + was discussing a drink cure of little efficacy.</p> + + <p>"When I think of this cure." he said "I recall a poor old + man with a red nose, who entered a magistrate's office and + said:</p> + + <p>"I'd like to take the pledge if you please."</p> + + <p>"Very good," said the polite clerk, "and how long did you + wish to take it for?"</p> + + <p>"In the past," said the old man, "I've always took it for + life."</p><a name="H_0577" + id="H_0577"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEMPTATION</h2> + + <p>Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray + not to be led into.</p><a name="H_0578" + id="H_0578"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TEN COMMANDMENTS</h2> + + <p>The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have + they gone in search of the Fourteen Points?</p><a name="H_0579" + id="H_0579"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>THEATER</h2> + + <p>Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes:</p> + + <p>Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where + eggs were being served, and a child sitting in a box made + manifest his interest in the food. Stepping down to the + footlights she tendered the youngster an egg, but his mother + drew back her child with a sign of annoyance.</p> + + <p>"You should let the young man take it," said Miss Bayes, + quietly. "It is unique for eggs to be passed from this side of + the footlights."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the + little man behind him could not see at all.</p> + + <p>"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man + plaintively, touching the big man on the shoulder.</p> + + <p>"Can't see anything, hey?"</p> + + <p>"No, sir, I can't see a thing."</p> + + <p>"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and + laugh when I do."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat + one evening at the theater.</p> + + <p>"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to + remove your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you."</p> + + <p>The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the + complainant. "Do you mean that little weedy, undersized + creature?" she asked.</p> + + <p>"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected + her.</p> + + <p>The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find + it easier and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove + him!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, + asking if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private + door, because, though he very much wished to see Booth act, he + didn't like the idea of being seen entering a theater. Booth + wrote back, "Sir, there is no door into my theater through + which God can not see."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)—"I want to hear at + least one of your famous grand-opera singers and then see some + of your leading actors."</p> + + <p>NEPHEW (to office boy)—"Jimmy, get us some tickets for + the vaudeville and + movies."—<i>Life</i>.</p><a name="H_0580" + id="H_0580"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>THERMOMETER</h2> + + <p>Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old + Cornelius Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other + day carrying the thermometer from the kitchen out into the + yard.</p> + + <p>"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt + inside and outside," the son answered.</p> + + <p>"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury + runnin' up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the + durn thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for + another thermometer."</p><a name="H_0581" + id="H_0581"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>THIEVES</h2> + + <p>He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were + very large. He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and + furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving + customers. Now he edged near the tempting basket. Now he edged + away again. And at last the greengrocer thought it time to + intervene.</p> + + <p>"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"</p> + + <p>"Nothin'," replied the small boy.</p> + + <p>"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me + as though you are trying to steal those apples."</p> + + <p>"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not + to."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house + entered the apartment of the lady of the house with his + apprentice and began to work.</p> + + <p>"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case + is locked up at once!"</p> + + <p>The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain + from his vest in a significant manner and handed them to his + apprentice.</p> + + <p>"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It + seems that this house isn't safe."—<i>Harper's</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, + a clever and notorious swindler was being divested of the + contents of his pockets. As each article was removed, it was + carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a + nearby desk. Among the articles was a badly tarnished silver + dollar, barely distinguishable as money.</p> + + <p>At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the + dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:</p> + + <p>"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"</p> + + <p>"Why?" asked the warden.</p> + + <p>"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner + explained. "You know, it's the first dollar I ever stole."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Chicken stealing; + Lawyers.</p><a name="H_0582" + id="H_0582"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>THRIFT</h2> + + <p>Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in + Brooklyn. Often he was not able to get home in time for dinner + at night. He told his wife that he would phone her every day as + to whether he could leave the office or not.</p> + + <p>Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the + following was her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find + that you can't be home for dinner, phone me at exactly six + o'clock. If the telephone rings at that hour, I'll know it is + you and that you are not coming for dinner. I won't answer it, + and you'll get your nickel back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who + was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they + passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.</p> + + <p>"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.</p> + + <p>"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.</p> + + <p>"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the + girl.</p> + + <p>"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest + drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BUTTONS—"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"</p> + + <p>SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN—"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind + ye, I'll no pay for the bed."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)—"And your + father is working now and getting two pounds a week? That's + splendid! And how much does he put away every Saturday night, + my dear?"</p> + + <p>LITTLE GIRL—"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"I am a poor man, you know."</p> + + <p>SHE—"When we are married I can learn to cook, + dear."</p> + + <p>HE—"Hadn't you better practise while your father is + supplying the raw materials?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>See also Economy; Scotch, The.</p><a name="H_0583" + id="H_0583"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TIDES</h2> + + <p>The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some + days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the + starboard side, but during the night the tide shifted it about + to the portside.</p> + + <p>This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who + finally confided his problem to a C.P.O.</p> + + <p>"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, + "New York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the + argument the Government lets New York have it one day and then + moves it over to the Brooklyn side the + next."</p><a name="H_0584" + id="H_0584"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TIME</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Time's Prisoner</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am content with Now, whate'er befall,</p> + + <p>Whether I will or no, Today is all;</p> + + <p>No matter whether swift or slow my tread</p> + + <p>I find tomorrow still a day ahead;</p> + + <p>I cannot overtake eternity—</p> + + <p>It turns to time and slips away from me,</p> + + <p>And in like wise I go upon my way</p> + + <p>Only a day ahead of yesterday!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Harry Kemp</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there + approached him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a + yawn: "Time ain't very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. + Here I been a-watchin' you three hours and you ain't had a + bite."</p> + + <p>"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, + anyhow, to waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that + ain't gettin' a bite."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost + impossible to get it into the house. The old man was extremely + proud of it, and found it very good company. He would lie awake + nights to hear it tick. One night the clock got out of order, + and began to strike.</p> + + <p>The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He + promptly sat up in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, + get up, get up. It's later than I've ever knowed it to be."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PROF (in geology)—"The geologist thinks nothing of a + thousand years."</p> + + <p>SOPH—"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars + yesterday!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Paw, what's the longest period of time?"</p> + + <p>"From one pay-day to the next."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CALLER—"Is your mother at home, Elsie?"</p> + + <p>CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER—"Goodness, no! She won't be + at home today until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home + yesterday yet."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST LOAFER—"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on + strike."</p> + + <p>SECOND LOAFER—"Wat 'ave they struck for?"</p> + + <p>FIRST LOAFER—"Shorter hours."</p> + + <p>SECOND LOAFER—"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was + too long for an hour."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Time is precious," said the parson.</p> + + <p>"It is, indeed," rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted + an awful lot of it."</p> + + <p>"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested + the good man.</p> + + <p>"Not exactly," replied the other. "I wasted most of it by + being punctual in keeping my appointments with others."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Daylight saving.</p><a name="H_0585" + id="H_0585"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TIPS</h2> + + <p>The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. + In thanking him she said:</p> + + <p>"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are + forbidden."</p> + + <p>"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the + apples in the Garden of Eden."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also + due to the desire to have luncheon served in time for + dinner.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LUNCHER—"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've + only just sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing + left for a tip for you."</p> + + <p>WAITER (confidently)—"Would you mind just letting me + 'ave another look at the bill, sir?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an + unusual phenomenon he had noted.</p> + + <p>"Why is it, Sam," he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor + men usually give larger tips than rich men?"</p> + + <p>"Well, suh," rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the + napkins meditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want + nobody to find out he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody + to find out he's rich."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's the difference between valor and discretion?"</p> + + <p>"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the + waiter would be valor."</p> + + <p>"I see. And discretion?"</p> + + <p>"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next + day."</p><a name="H_0586" + id="H_0586"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TOURISTS</h2> + + <p><i>See</i> Travelers.</p><a name="H_0587" + id="H_0587"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRADE</h2> + + <p>When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move + is to beat their competitors into foreign + markets.</p><a name="H_0588" + id="H_0588"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRADE MARKS</h2> + + <p>Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are + trademarks.</p><a name="H_0589" + id="H_0589"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRADE UNIONS</h2> + + <p>TEACHER—"If a man gets four dollars for working eight + hours a day, what would he get if he worked ten hours a + day?"</p> + + <p>JOHNNY—"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de + union."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What are you doin' of, James?"</p> + + <p>"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil."</p> + + <p>"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a + carpenter's job,"</p><a name="H_0590" + id="H_0590"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRAMPS</h2> + + <p>TRAMP—"Madam, I was at the front—"</p> + + <p>KIND-HEARTED LADY—"My poor man. Another victim of that + terrible war. Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these + straits."</p> + + <p>TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' + nobody answered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, + mum."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)—"Out of work, are you? Then + you're just in time. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was + just going to send for a man to do it."</p> + + <p>TRAMP—"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and + get him."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BOXCAR HARRY—"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to + have some pie or cake that you could spare an unfortunate + wanderer?"</p> + + <p>LADY OF THE HOUSE—"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some + bread and butter do?"</p> + + <p>BOXCAR HARRY—"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, + you see, this is my birthday."</p><a name="H_0591" + id="H_0591"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRAVELERS</h2> + + <p>A party of tourists were going through a small town, having + the time of their lives, laughing and joking. One of them + thought she would have some fun, and called to a little girl + standing near, "Are there any shows in town?" To which the + little girl answered, "Only the one you people are making."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels.</p> + + <p>Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was + attending an afternoon tea given in her honor.</p> + + <p>"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess.</p> + + <p>"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You + see, my husband always bought the tickets."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Americans; Destination.</p><a name="H_0592" + id="H_0592"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TREES</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I think that I shall never see</p> + + <p>A poem lovely as a tree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A tree whose hungry mouth is prest</p> + + <p>Against the earth's most flowing breast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A tree that looks at God all day</p> + + <p>And lifts her leafy arms to pray;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A tree that may in summer wear</p> + + <p>A nest of robins in her hair;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Upon whose bosom snow has lain;</p> + + <p>Who intimately lives with rain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Poems are made by fools like me,</p> + + <p>But only God can make a tree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Joyce Kilmer</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0592-1" + id="H_0592-1"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRENCHES</h2> + + <p>CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches + are like)—"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps + down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and + if yer stands still yer gets court-martialed for + frost-bite."—<i>Punch</i>.</p><a name="H_0593" + id="H_0593"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TROUBLE</h2> + + <p>The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to + dwell upon her troubles, telling her she would feel happier if + she ignored them. "Well, honey," said the old lady, "I dunno + 'bout dat. I allus 'lowed when de Lord send me tribulation he + done spec' me to tribulate."</p><a name="H_0594" + id="H_0594"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>TRUTH</h2> + + <p>Many truths expressed are never claimed at their + destination.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly + back and sting you.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST STUDENT (wearily)—"I suppose I'll be up all + night tonight; I have to make out my expense account."</p> + + <p>SECOND (more hopefully)—"Why don't you tell the truth + and get a good night's rest?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the + matter was up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, + was a witness.</p> + + <p>"Now, uncle," said the lawyer, "tell me just what + conversation occurred."</p> + + <p>"I kain't jes' remember it all," replied the candid Wash, + "excep' dat each one was callin' de other what dey is."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful + person.</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go + with a crutch for some time after."</p><a name="H_0595" + id="H_0595"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>UMBRELLAS</h2> + + <p>"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an + umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years," + said Smith.</p> + + <p>"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to + return it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST ARTIST—"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it + to a friend."</p> + + <p>SECOND ARTIST—"That is very awkward. The man who lent + it to my friend tells him that the owner wants it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" + "Because father hasn't been to church this + year."—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my + daughter, I have entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my + life."</p> + + <p>The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to + conceal his emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few + moments of impressive silence that followed, he heard the + patter, patter of rain against the window.</p> + + <p>"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my + umbrella! May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run + to the station?"</p> + + <p>"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone + with my umbrella!"</p><a name="H_0596" + id="H_0596"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>UNEXPECTED</h2> + + <p>"It is the unexpected that always happens," observed the + Sage.</p> + + <p>"Well," commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we + learn to expect it?"</p><a name="H_0597" + id="H_0597"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>UNITED STATES</h2> + + <p>After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson + said to Amley:</p> + + <p>"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, + ain't it?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have + to move my desk."</p><a name="H_0598" + id="H_0598"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VACATIONS</h2> + + <p>Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally + followed by an off day.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation + something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't + stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>JUDGE—"Six months!"</p> + + <p>COS COB CON—"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying + about where I'm going ter spend de summer."</p><a name="H_0599" + id="H_0599"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VALUE</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There, little dollar, don't you cry;</p> + + <p>You <i>may</i> buy something by and by.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. + A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What + will you take for your cow?"</p> + + <p>The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: + "Look a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by + the railroad?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CALLER—"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value + of money, as you are doing."</p> + + <p>HOST—"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten + cents, but now he demands a quarter."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FOOTPAD—"Your money or your life!"</p> + + <p>MRS. TIGHTLY—"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've + got only 50 cents."</p><a name="H_0600" + id="H_0600"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VANITY</h2> + + <p>Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent + girl, but she had one fault—she was inclined to be vain. + At every available opportunity she gazed at herself + complacently in the looking-glass. Her fond papa noticed that + the habit was growing upon her and took upon himself the duty + of correcting it.</p> + + <p>"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl.</p> + + <p>"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as + nature made us."</p> + + <p>"Did nature make you, papa?"</p> + + <p>"Yes."</p> + + <p>"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her + reflection in the mirror, "don't you think nature is turning + out better work than she used to?"</p><a name="H_0601" + id="H_0601"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VEGETARIANS</h2> + + <p>"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"</p> + + <p>"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, + but our dog isn't.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an + English bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, + as I am a vegetarian."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's + there was a worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take + this one, Tommy," she said; "I'se a + vegetarian."</p><a name="H_0602" + id="H_0602"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VENTILATION</h2> + + <p>American people have a very high appreciation of the humor + of Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story + Colonel Cody used to tell. He said that some years ago an + Englishman who had never been in the West before was his guest. + They were riding through a Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when + suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them + and actually carried the Englishman clean off the wagon-seat. + After he had been picked up, he combed the sand and gravel out + of his whiskers and said:</p> + + <p>"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully + and said meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, + lady." The lady, digging into her purse after a coin, replied, + "No wonder, with not a single ventilator open in the whole + car!"</p><a name="H_0603" + id="H_0603"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VOICE</h2> + + <p>Speech was given to man to disguise his + thoughts.—<i>Talleyrand</i>.</p><a name="H_0604" + id="H_0604"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>VOTING</h2> + + <p>PAT—"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"</p> + + <p>MIKE—"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"</p> + + <p>PAT—"They didn't ask me to—they paid me + cash."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In + a recent election the local option question was up. After the + election the clerks were counting the votes. One was calling + off and another taking down the option votes. The first clerk, + running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, + wet." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!" he cried. "Dry!" Then + he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Presently he stopped again + and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "The son-of-a-gun + repeated."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>DORA-"How did you vote?"</p> + + <p>FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I do hope that when I am able to vote," said the pretty + young wife, "I will be as influential in politics as my + husband."</p> + + <p>"How is that?" asked her friend.</p> + + <p>"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both + times his choice was elected."</p><a name="H_0605" + id="H_0605"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WAGES</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Are very few, it seems to me;</p> + + <p>I count you over, every dime apart,</p> + + <p class="i2">MY SALARY. My salary!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk."</p> + + <p class="i2">To earn them is an awful grind;</p> + + <p>I count each dime unto the end, and there—</p> + + <p class="i2">A "dun" I find.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh toil, that is so poorly paid!</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh salary, spent before we greet!</p> + + <p>I kiss each dime, and try to find a way</p> + + <p class="i2">To make ends meet—</p> + + <p class="i2">Ye gods! To make ends meet!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Anne Alfreda Mellish</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 + cents." Some one remarks that this proportion of payment is + quite often the case.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other + morning, discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home + and, as he needed one urgently, he asked the different clerks, + but none of them happened to have one. Finally the errand boy + hustled in and the merchant called him, asking if he was able + to produce the desired article. Jimmy handed over his + "pigsticker."</p> + + <p>"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff + seem to have a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, + eyeing Jimmy with undisguised admiration.</p> + + <p>"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my + wages are so low that I can't afford more'n one pair of + pants."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST LABORING MAN—"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"</p> + + <p>SECOND DITTO—"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If + yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for + it."<i>—Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the + wayfarer paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The + workman looked up.</p> + + <p>"Money,"' he replied.</p> + + <p>"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good + man?"</p> + + <p>"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed + operations.</p><a name="H_0606" + id="H_0606"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WAR</h2> + + <p>Some nations were fighting fiercely.</p> + + <p>"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at + length to curiosity.</p> + + <p>"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally.</p> + + <p>Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of + the combatants and limped lamely away.</p> + + <p>"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition + to get to the bottom of the matter.</p> + + <p>"Don't speak to me—I'm civilization!" the figure made + answer, somewhat pettishly.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"</p> + + <p>"Well, all I can say is—them what finds it is quite + welcome to keep it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter + plan.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused + for denying that it is round.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VISITOR—"It's a terrible war, this, young man—a + terrible war."</p> + + <p>MIKE (badly wounded)—"'Tis that, sor—a tirrible + warr. But 'tis better than no warr at + all."<i>—Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> European War.</p><a name="H_0607" + id="H_0607"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WEALTH</h2> + + <p>BENNETT—"My, Storer must be rich."</p> + + <p>JONES—"How so?"</p> + + <p>BENNETT—"He was cleaning his mother's windows with + gold dust in the water."</p><a name="H_0608" + id="H_0608"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WEATHER</h2> + + <p>A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the + morning one winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: + "How's the weather today out there?"</p> + + <p>"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired.</p> + + <p>An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret + message. Did you say sun was or was not shining?"</p> + + <p>And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: + "Snowing to beat the band now."</p> + + <p>And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there + now?"</p> + + <p>To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted + all the snow away again."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>Indian Summer</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>November days are here again</p> + + <p class="i2">With chilly eve and morn—</p> + + <p>Dame Nature's voice in warning raised</p> + + <p class="i2">That Winter's blasts are born.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads</p> + + <p class="i2">And Earth to sleep beguiles,</p> + + <p>Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face,</p> + + <p class="i2">Looks back at us and smiles.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was + pushing a barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his + dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized + it thus:</p> + + <p>"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"</p> + + <p>"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What is it moulds the life of man?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + + <p>What makes some black and others tan?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + + <p>What makes the Zulu live in trees,</p> + + <p>And Congo natives dress in leaves,</p> + + <p>While others go in fur and freeze?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What makes the summer warm and fair?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + + <p>What causes winter underwear?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + + <p>What makes us rush and build a fire,</p> + + <p>And shiver near the glowing pyre—</p> + + <p>And then on other days perspire?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What makes the Cost of Living high?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + + <p>What makes the Libyan Desert dry?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + + <p>What is it men in ev'ry clime,</p> + + <p>Will talk about till end of time?</p> + + <p>What drove our honest pen to rhyme?</p> + + <p>The Weather!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Kansas—When the sun sets in the West at night the wind + will blow for three days.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I remember, I remember,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ere my childhood flitted by,</p> + + <p>It was cold then in December,</p> + + <p class="i2">And was warmer in July.</p> + + <p>In the winter there were freezings—</p> + + <p class="i2">In the summer there were thaws;</p> + + <p>But the weather isn't now at all</p> + + <p class="i2">Like what it used to was!</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0609" + id="H_0609"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WEDDINGS</h2> + + <p>Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock + between stations.</p> + + <p>"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a + worried-looking individual of the conductor.</p> + + <p>"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The + express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours + before the track is clear!"</p> + + <p>"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married + to-day!" groaned the passenger.</p> + + <p>The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows + suspiciously.</p> + + <p>"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that + pulled the cord?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his + job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day + by asking for a vacation.</p> + + <p>"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. + "You don't need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and + come back broke."</p> + + <p>"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, + and I kinda like to be there."</p><a name="H_0610" + id="H_0610"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WELSH</h2> + + <p>Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the + distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.</p> + + <p>A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be + divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But + the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place + five pounds in the testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by + Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the + Irishman collected a number of coins somehow—shillings, + sixpences and coppers—and made up his contribution of + five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's fiver. The + Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, + pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque + with the remark, "That's easier."</p> + + <p>A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he + was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.</p> + + <p>The undertaker was a Welshman.</p><a name="H_0611" + id="H_0611"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WESTMINSTER ABBEY</h2> + + <p>It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly + different impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk + girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was + asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey. + "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat down, but I didn't stay + long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."</p><a name="H_0612" + id="H_0612"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WHISKY</h2> + + <p>A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a + glass of whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:</p> + + <p>"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"</p> + + <p>"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.</p> + + <p>"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it + by and by."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Drinking.</p><a name="H_0613" + id="H_0613"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WIDOWS</h2> + + <p>"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur + Pendenys, "become a widow." This of course, may be all right, + but few husbands can really learn to love a wife who makes a + practise of this sort of thing.—<i>Punch</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while + discharging his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road + promptly settled her claim by the payment of a thousand + dollars. Her friends consoled her with the thought that with so + much money she would be the most sought after woman in + Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not marry again + and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her sobs + "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad + man."</p><a name="H_0614" + id="H_0614"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WINDOWS</h2> + + <p>Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single + window may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by + burglars, small boys and lovers, the singular power of the + window to control our destiny has not hitherto been recognized. + Without windows there would be no ghost stories, for how could + the rain beat on the pane, or the wind come in short gusts + through the cracks? Neither would there be melodrama, for how + could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were no sudden + flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the + window? What poems have been written by just looking through a + window; and as for literature in general, who does not remember + the window in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering + a room is the windows. At night the window is the last thing we + adjust, and in the morning the first we gaze out of. The first + window was the beginning of civilization. Consider the window + of a cell, how symbolic it is of a dwarfed and misdirected + life. The composite health of any community can almost be + predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept open at + night.</p> + + <p>Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no + best seller would be worth the price of + admission.</p><a name="H_0615" + id="H_0615"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WISDOM</h2> + + <p>"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a + nomination, been chairman of a local reception committee, and + married your mother."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True wisdom laboring to expound,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heareth others readily;</p> + + <p>Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth</p> + + <p class="i2">Up her mind to argument.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Tupper</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0616" + id="H_0616"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WISHES</h2> + + <p>MABEL—"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue + plush upholstering and all the modern appliances."</p> + + <p>ALICE—"You'd take me out with you, if you had, + wouldn't you?"</p> + + <p>"No."</p> + + <p>"Well, why not?"</p> + + <p>"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, + aren't you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"But, Alice, you don't want that!"</p> + + <p>SHE—"How will I know until I get + it?"</p><a name="H_0617" + id="H_0617"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WITNESSES</h2> + + <p>The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, + and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution + was cross-examining the defendant.</p> + + <p>"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at + length.</p> + + <p>For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles + as the cry flows," came the answer.</p> + + <p>"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of + law.</p> + + <p>The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he + means 'as the fly crows.'"</p> + + <p>And they all looked at one another, feeling that something + was wrong somewhere.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm + that when this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us + be quite certain on this point, because it is a very important + one. Be good enough to tell me, sir, with as little + prevarication as possible, what meal it was you were going home + to."</p> + + <p>"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the + Scotsman.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, + sternly and impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth."</p> + + <p>"Well, then, it was just oatmeal."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, + long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the + ankles, and a swallow-tail coat that swept the floor.</p> + + <p>"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both + amazed and amused.</p> + + <p>The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed + solemnly to the words: "To appear in his father's suit."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat + difficult witness. Finally he asked the man if he was + acquainted with any of the men on the jury.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of + them."</p> + + <p>"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of + them?" demanded the lawyer.</p> + + <p>"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know + more than all of them put together."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the + court as a not over-intelligent looking negro took the witness + stand.</p> + + <p>"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf."</p> + + <p>"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not + tell the truth?"</p> + + <p>"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah + side'll win de case, sah."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>PRISON VISITOR—"What terrible crime has this man + committed?"</p> + + <p>JAILER—"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be + passing when Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a + witness."</p> + + <p>"Where is Tough Jim?"</p> + + <p>"He is out on bail."</p><a name="H_0618" + id="H_0618"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WIVES</h2> + + <p>"Are you the captain of your soul?"</p> + + <p>"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck + dubiously.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of + life,</p> + + <p class="i2">There's no longer excuse for thus playing + the rake.</p> + + <p>It is time you should think, boy, of taking a + wife."</p> + + <p class="i2">"Why, so it is, father,—whose wife + shall I take?"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Thomas Moore</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>The younger man had been complaining that he could not get + his wife to mend his clothes.</p> + + <p>"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she + hasn't touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the + air of a patriarch.</p> + + <p>"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't + been married very long and I think I can give you some + serviceable suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it + to my wife and flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's + that rag-bag?'</p> + + <p>"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her + suspicions are aroused at once.</p> + + <p>"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, + with a few more flourishes.</p> + + <p>"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, + hand it to me at once.'</p> + + <p>"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.</p> + + <p>"'Why, it only needs—'; and then she mends it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.</p> + + <p>"I'm not pensive," she replied.</p> + + <p>"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."</p> + + <p>"Well, I didn't have anything to say."</p> + + <p>"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to + say?"</p> + + <p>"No."</p> + + <p>"Will you be my wife?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless + typewriter?"</p> + + <p>"If he takes my advice he'll marry + her."—<i>Life</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. KNAGG—"Did the doctor ask to see your + tongue?"</p> + + <p>HUSBAND—"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me + away for a rest."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. + "I much regret to tell you that your wife's mind is + gone—completely gone."</p> + + <p>"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has + been giving me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen + years."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, + "All of you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood + up except one man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and + said, "Evidently you are not afraid of your wife." The man + responded: "She gave me such a beating this morning that I was + too lame to stand up."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her + gardener:</p> + + <p>"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice + house, and all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the + first gardener that ever lived had a wife."</p> + + <p>"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he + didna keep his job long after he gat the wife."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CREWE—"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully + anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella."</p> + + <p>DREW—"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in + some shop."</p> + + <p>CREWE—"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office + one morning.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped + my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it + anywhere."</p> + + <p>"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across + it in my trousers pocket."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>And Then Some</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MAN expects his wife to be:</p> + + <p class="i2">Perpetuator of the Race.</p> + + <p class="i2">Domestic Science Expert.</p> + + <p class="i2">Trained Kindergartner.</p> + + <p class="i2">Social Diplomat.</p> + + <p class="i2">Purchasing Agent.</p> + + <p class="i2">Superintendent of Operating.</p> + + <p class="i2">Accountant.</p> + + <p class="i2">Social Secretary.</p> + + <p class="i2">General Counsel.</p> + + <p class="i2">Manager Lost and Found Department.</p> + + <p class="i2">Advertising Agent.</p> + + <p class="i2">Intelligence Bureau.</p> + + <p class="i2">Family Statistician.</p> + + <p class="i2">Mistress of the Exchequer.</p> + + <p class="i2">Playground Supervisor.</p> + + <p class="i2">Judge of Juvenile Court.</p> + + <p class="i2">Valet.</p> + + <p class="i2">Nurse.</p> + + <p class="i2">Employer of Labor.</p> + + <p class="i2">Artist in the Art of Living.</p> + + <p>WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. A.—"Does your husband consider you a necessity or + a luxury?"</p> + + <p>MRS. B.—"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking + his dinner or asking for a new dress."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There are certain family privileges which we all guard + jealously:</p> + + <p>An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing + action against her husband for a divorce. She related a + harrowing tale of the ill-treatment she had received at his + hands. So impressive was her recital that the lawyer, for a + moment, was startled out of his usual professional composure. + "From what you say this man must be a brute of the worst type," + he exclaimed.</p> + + <p>The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, + announced: "Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to + get advice as to a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"</p> + + <p><i>See also</i> Domestic finance; Marriage; + Woman</p><a name="H_0619" + id="H_0619"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WOMAN</h2> + + <p>The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she + changes the plans so frequently that the job is never + finished.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12"><i>If They Meant All They Said</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Charm is a woman's strongest arm;</p> + + <p>My charwoman is full of charm;</p> + + <p>I chose her, not for strength of arm</p> + + <p>But for her strange, elusive charm.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And how tears heighten woman's powers!</p> + + <p>My typist weeps for hours and hours:</p> + + <p>I took her for her weeping powers—</p> + + <p>They so delight my business hours.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A woman lives by intuition.</p> + + <p>Though my accountant shuns addition</p> + + <p>She has the rarest intuition.</p> + + <p>(And I myself can do addition.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Timidity in girls is nice.</p> + + <p>My cook is so afraid of mice.</p> + + <p>Now you'll admit it's very nice</p> + + <p>To feel your cook's afraid of mice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>A.D. Miller</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her + dolly and dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de + lady dat says unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no + meetin'."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women."</p> + + <p>"What an immense experience with them he must have had."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"</p> + + <p>"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me + hear the speeches first."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking + basket beside her, and was examining the holes in her little + boy's socks, when the old gardener came by with his + wheelbarrow. "What beats me," he remarked, "is you ladies. + Always lookin' for what you don't want to find!"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Hello! Is this a party wire?"</p> + + <p>"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down + with the responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city + library the other day. He approached the reference librarian + rather timidly, standing on one foot, then on the other, and + finally said:</p> + + <p>"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I + begin?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said + Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of + astonishment he replied:</p> + + <p>"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier + Clemenceau, when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll + bet she will—"</p> + + <p>"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau—"bet on + anything that she will do. You can never tell what a woman will + do."</p> + + <p>"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, + monsieur. I was going to say that I would bet that she would do + the unexpected."</p> + + <p>"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even + that is not a safe bet."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is + seeing so many women in the pictures opening their mouths and + not saying a word you can hear.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When lovely woman wants a favor,</p> + + <p>And finds, too late, that man won't bend,</p> + + <p>What earthly circumstance can save her</p> + + <p>From disappointment in the end?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The only way to bring him over,</p> + + <p>The last experiment to try,</p> + + <p>Whether a husband or a lover,</p> + + <p>If he have feeling is—to cry.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Poebe Cary</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public + meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was + compelled to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a + drunken man was overheard muttering:</p> + + <p>"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready + to quit. I have lived to see four great things come to + pass—the end of the war, the churches closed, saloons + left open, and the women muzzled."—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner + in Bar Harbor:</p> + + <p>"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman + alive who wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent."</p> + + <p>"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men + are stupid while so few are blind."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>HE—"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a + little time to make up her mind."</p> + + <p>SHE (the hated rival)—"Oh! So she makes that up too, + does she?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender + romance she is exerting an influence.</p> + + <p>The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he + exclaimed, "But do you think, my love, I am good enough for + you?"</p> + + <p>His strong-minded fiancée looked sternly at him for a + moment and replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to + be!"—<i>Judge</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ONE—"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always + hold her own."</p> + + <p>THE OTHER—"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. + "Father," said he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is + woman?"</p> + + <p>"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," + returned father.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>During the recess period several teachers became engaged in + a heated argument over that old theme, "Man <i>versus</i> + Woman."</p> + + <p>"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of + Latin, "women are more finicky than men."</p> + + <p>"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little + teacher of domestic science.</p> + + <p>"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn + trying to find it."</p> + + <p>"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came + back quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll + spend $10 trying to win it back."</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>Woman</i>—A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor + of his degree, and forces him to study philosophy by means of + curtain lectures.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>See also</i> Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; + Wives; Woman suffrage; Worry.</p><a name="H_0620" + id="H_0620"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WOMAN SUFFRAGE</h2> + + <p>"It seems so silly to me," she said scornfully, as she threw + down the newspaper after a casual glance at the headlines.</p> + + <p>"What seems silly?"</p> + + <p>"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There + can't but one be elected, can there?"</p> + + <p>"Of course not."</p> + + <p>"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why + doesn't just the man who is going to be elected be a candidate, + and all the rest go on about their business, as all this talk + and running around isn't going to do them any good after + all?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"That young politician is paying you marked attention, + girlie."</p> + + <p>"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish + troubles."</p> + + <p>"Eh, what?"</p> + + <p>"Is he after me or my vote?"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WARD HEELER—"Are women trying to reform politics?"</p> + + <p>DISTRICT LEADER—"Reform nothing! They've started in to + grab the jobs."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST LADY—"Did you vote with all those vile + people?"</p> + + <p>SECOND LADY—"I certainly did. I was curious to know + how it felt."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Wimmin voters this year."</p> + + <p>"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like + little girls."</p> + + <p>"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on + the head."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Well, Maria," said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for + whom did you vote this morning?"</p> + + <p>"I crossed off the names of all the candidates," returned + Mrs. Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my + ballot. This is no time to consider individuals and their + little personal ambitions."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>There are compensations in all things. When women get the + suffrage they won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of + losing their votes.—<i>Puck</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" + inquired the judge.</p> + + <p>"Failure to support."</p> + + <p>"But you live in apparent luxury."</p> + + <p>"He failed to support me for a nomination that I + wanted."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a + thing of the past, thanks to woman suffrage."</p> + + <p>"What do you have reference to?"</p> + + <p>"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a + woman's ballot twenty-four hours before + election?"</p><a name="H_0621" + id="H_0621"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WOMAN'S RIGHTS</h2> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Why We Oppose Pockets For Women</i></p> + + <p>1. Because pockets are not a natural right.</p> + + <p>2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. + If they did, they would have them.</p> + + <p>3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not + used them.</p> + + <p>4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it + is without the additional burden of pockets.</p> + + <p>5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife + as to whose pockets were to be filled.</p> + + <p>6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if + he did not have to carry all her things in his pockets.</p> + + <p>7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly + in the face of nature.</p> + + <p>8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, + pipes, whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we + see no reason to suppose that women would use them more + wisely.</p><a name="H_0622" + id="H_0622"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WORK</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, would that working I might shun,</p> + + <p class="i2">From labour my connection sever,</p> + + <p>That I might do a bit or none</p> + + <p class="i2">Whatever!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That I might wander over hills,</p> + + <p class="i2">Establish friendship with a daisy,</p> + + <p>O'er pretty things like daffodils</p> + + <p class="i2">Go crazy!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That I might at the heavens gaze,</p> + + <p class="i2">Concern myself with nothing weighty,</p> + + <p>Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days—</p> + + <p class="i2">Or eighty.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why can't I cease a slave to be,</p> + + <p class="i2">And taste existence beatific</p> + + <p>On some fair island hid in the</p> + + <p class="i2">Pacific?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Instead of sitting at a desk</p> + + <p class="i2">'Mid undone labours, grimly + lurking—</p> + + <p>Oh, say, what is there picturesque</p> + + <p class="i2">In working?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But no!—to loaf were misery!—</p> + + <p class="i2">I love to work! Hang isles of coral!</p> + + <p>(To end this otherwise would be Immoral!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Thomas R. Ybarra</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Labor is man's great function, He is nothing, he can do + nothing, he can achieve nothing, fulfill nothing without + working.—<i>Dewey</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>If you are poor—work. If you are rich—continue + to work. If you are burdened with seemingly unfair + responsibilities—work. If you are happy—keep right + on working. Idleness gives room for doubts and fears. If + disappointments come—work. If sorrow overwhelms you and + loved ones seem not true—work. If health is + threatened—work. When faith falters and reason + fails—just work. When dreams are shattered and hope seems + dead—work. Work as if your life were in peril. It really + is. No matter what ails you—work. Work + faithfully—work with faith. Work is the greatest remedy + available for both mental and physical + afflictions.—<i>Korsaren</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>I believe in the stuff I am handing out, in the firm I am + working for; and in my ability to get results. I believe that + honest stuff can be passed out to honest men by honest methods. + I believe in working, not weeping; in boosting not knocking; + and in the pleasure of my job. I believe that a man gets what + he goes after, that one deed done today is worth two deeds + tomorrow, and that no man is down and out until he has lost + faith in himself. I believe in today and the work I am doing, + in tomorrow and the work I hope to do, and in the sure reward + which the future holds. I believe in courtesy, in kindness, in + generosity, in good cheer, in friendship and in honest + competition. I believe there is something doing, somewhere for + every man ready to do it. I believe I'm ready—RIGHT + NOW!—<i>Elbert Hubbard</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I ask no odds of any man,</p> + + <p class="i2">I am not one that follies sway,</p> + + <p>I am the source of my rewards,</p> + + <p class="i2">I do my work each day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It matters not if rich or poor,</p> + + <p class="i2">This is the future's great command,</p> + + <p>Who does not work shall cease to eat;</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon this rock I stand.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The fruit of trees, the grain of fields,</p> + + <p class="i2">Wherever use and beauty lurk—</p> + + <p>The good of all the world belongs</p> + + <p class="i2">To him who does the work.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Max Ehrtnan</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Are you trying to climb where the chosen are,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the feet of men are few?</p> + + <p>Do you long for "a job that is worth one's + while?"</p> + + <p class="i2">Well here's a thought for you:</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The pots of gold at the rainbow's end</p> + + <p class="i2">Are sought by the teeming mob,</p> + + <p>But the fairies who guard them choose as friend</p> + + <p class="i2">The man that loves his job.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No matter what grip of hand he has—</p> + + <p class="i2">How poor or strong his brain,</p> + + <p>There's always a place for the man who loves</p> + + <p class="i2">His work with might and main.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does he dig in a ditch, or blaze a trail,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the dreams of men may run?</p> + + <p>No clod of earth shall shoulder him</p> + + <p class="i2">From his place out in the sun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It isn't the kick, It's not the pull,</p> + + <p class="i2">That brings the strong man out;</p> + + <p>But it's long-time work, and it's all-time will,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cheerful heart and shout,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Have you faith in yourself? Do you want to win?</p> + + <p class="i2">Is your heart for success athrob?</p> + + <p>There's just one thing that can bring you in</p> + + <p class="i2">With the winners—love your job.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Stewart Lishear</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p class="ctr"><i>Work Makes Men</i></p> + + <p>"Work," as Henry Drummond said on the death of his friend + John Ewing, of Melbourne, "is given man, not only, nor so much, + perhaps, because the world needs it, but because the workmen + need it. Men make work; but work makes men. An office is not + merely a place for making money; it is a place for making men. + A workshop is not a place for making machinery only; it is a + place for making souls, for filling in the working virtues of + one's life; for turning out honest, modest and good-natured + men."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FIRST NAVVY—"Ye know, it's hard lines on Joe, 'im + bein' so short-sighted."</p> + + <p>SECOND NAVVY—"Why? Yer don't need good eyesight for + our job!"</p> + + <p>FIRST NAVVY—"No, but 'e can't see when the foreman + ain't lookin', so he has to keep on workin' all the time."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A youth was being scored by his father for his flighty + notions, his habit of shirking and general unreliability. "Hard + work never killed anybody," the old man added.</p> + + <p>"That's just the trouble, dad," returned the youngster. "I + want to engage in something that has a spice of danger in + it."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Why don't you get out and hustle? Hard work never killed + anybody," remarked the philosophical gentleman to whom Rastus + applied for a little charity.</p> + + <p>"You're mistaken dar, boss," replied Rastus; "I'se lost fouh + wives dat way."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For whether he's wielding a scepter or swab,</p> + + <p>I have faith in the man who's in love with his + job.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i32">—<i>Shorey</i>.</p> + </div> + </div><a name="H_0623" + id="H_0623"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>WORRY</h2> + + <p>"Didn't you use to belong to a Don't Worry Club years + ago?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. + Nobody worried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and + salad and freeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just + a born worrier and was out of my class."</p><a name="H_0624" + id="H_0624"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>YOUTH</h2> + + <p>Arthur T. Hadley, president of Yale, said of youth at a tea + in New Haven:</p> + + <p>"I find youth modest, almost over-modest. I don't agree with + the accepted idea of youth that is epitomized in the + anecdote.</p> + + <p>"According to this anecdote, an old man said to a youth:</p> + + <p>"'My boy, when I was your age I thought, like you, that I + knew it all, but now I have reached the conclusion that I know + nothing.'</p> + + <p>"The youth, lighting a cigaret, answered carelessly:</p> + + <p>"'Hm! I reached that conclusion about you years + ago.'"</p><a name="H_0625" + id="H_0625"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + + <h2>ZONES</h2> + + <p>While inspecting examination papers recently, a teacher + found various humorous answers to questions. A class of boys, + averaging twelve years of age, had been examined in geography. + The previous day had been devoted to grammar. Among the + geographical questions was the following:</p> + + <p>"Name the zones."</p> + + <p>One promising youth, who had mixed the two subjects, wrote: + "There are two zones, masculine and feminine. The masculine is + either temperate or intemperate; the feminine is either torrid + or frigid!" either torrid or frigid!"</p> + + <p> </p> +<hr /> +<p> </p> + + <div class="trans-note"> + Transcriber's note: The Table of Contents was added to this e-book + by the transcriber. + </div> + <p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MORE TOASTS***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15338-h.txt or 15338-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15338">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/3/15338</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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