diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-8.txt | 1741 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 32145 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1443068 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/15332-h.htm | 1878 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/121.png | bin | 0 -> 132676 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/122.png | bin | 0 -> 91790 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/123.png | bin | 0 -> 168676 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/124.png | bin | 0 -> 33823 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/125-1.png | bin | 0 -> 37822 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/125-2.png | bin | 0 -> 21204 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/126.png | bin | 0 -> 161700 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/127.png | bin | 0 -> 238203 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/129.png | bin | 0 -> 85852 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/130-1.png | bin | 0 -> 145045 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/130-2.png | bin | 0 -> 34857 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/131.png | bin | 0 -> 178688 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/132-1.png | bin | 0 -> 50023 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332-h/images/132-2.png | bin | 0 -> 26342 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332.txt | 1741 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 15332.zip | bin | 0 -> 32120 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
23 files changed, 5376 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15332-8.txt b/15332-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..051adb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1741 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +September 17, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, September 17, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 12, 2005 [eBook #15332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, SEPTEMBER 17, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15332-h.htm or 15332-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15332/15332-h/15332-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15332/15332-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +SEPTEMBER 17, 1892 + + + + + + + +HEARING HIMSELF. + +(_MYSTERIOUS MEM. FROM A HAWARDEN NOTE-BOOK._) + +Exceedingly kind and flattering of MAX MÜLLER! "I hope there are but +few here present who have never enjoyed the privilege of listening to +Mr. GLADSTONE." Ha! ha! He little thought there was _one_ there who +had _not_ "enjoyed that privilege." Have enjoyed most privileges in +my time, but never that of "hearing myself as others hear me"--more or +less. "Unavoidable absence of Mr. GLADSTONE!" Ho! ho! Then my disguise +_was_ perfect. Get myself up as a Liberal Unionist, with wig and +eye-glass. Not likely anybody would recognise me in _that_ rig. + +Rather enjoyed myself--and my paper, "Phoenician Elements in the +Homeric Poems." Most seductive title! Such a _popular_ touch about it! +Think I shall have it printed as a "leaflet" for distribution among +Workmen's Clubs and Radical Associations. Might conciliate those +well-meaning but illogical Eight-Hour Men. Wonder if KEIRHARDIE would +like a copy. What more nicely calculated to cheer the scant leisure of +Labour? + +Funny to hear my own sinuous sentences coming back to me from mouth +of another. Not quite sure MAX is so "fascinating in his voice, and +so persuasive in his delivery" as--but no matter. Can't say--as MAX +did--"I felt myself carried away, and convinced almost against my +will." Not at all! Wonder what he meant by that? Why "against his +will"? That's what Liberal Unionists, and other preposterous and +illogical opponents of mine say in House, when they compliment me on +my "eloquence," _and then vote against me!_ Absurd! Wish they'd drop +their compliments and vote straight. + +"Small and exotic contribution" to Oriental Congress! Neat description +of paper running to nearly four columns of _Times_. "Intense sentiment +of nationality, which led the Greeks of later days to covet the title +of Autochthones." Wonder if that reminded MAX, or anyone else, of +_another_ race with "an intense sentiment of nationality," and a +passionate love of the land from which they sprang. Wonder whether, +if Nationalists were to call themselves "Auctochthones" instead of +Home-Rulers, we should get along better? Must consult JUSTIN on this +point. Should have to teach some of them to _pronounce_ their new +name, though. "Autochthones," spoken in wrath, with a rich brogue, +after dinner, would, I should think, beat Phillippopolis, or "Ri' +l'il, ti' li'l Isl'l" hollow. + +_Anax andron_, too, might be useful. Say, as substitute for that +everlasting G.O.M., of which I admit I'm heartily sick, Lord of Men! +_Not_ King of Men, of course. LABBY might kick at latter. "Nothing +can be simpler than the meaning of the two words." Exactly. Must get +HARCOURT to popularise these. Applied to AGAMEMNON. Why not to "strong +men" who live _after_ AGAMEMNON? "Evidence from extraneous sources +of connection between title of _Anax andron_ and great Egyptian +Empire." Aha! I may yet have to play the _Anax andron_ in Egypt as +before. Allegory--I mean _Anax andron_ on banks of Nile! Good--and +not a Malapropism, whatever WOLSELEY may say. "Title of _Anax +andron_ descendible" (good word, "descendible") "from father to +son, and accorded in the poems to personages altogether secondary, +_viz._, EUMELOS and EUPHETES." Wonder what my EUMELOS--HERBERT--will +say to that! + +Enjoyed it much whilst MAX was "mouthing out" (as Mrs. BROWNING +says) my eulogy of that man of "Phoenician stamp," the "universal +ODYSSEUS," who expressed the many-sided, the all-accomplished man; +the _polutropos_, the _polumetis_, the _tlemon_, the _polutlas_, the +_polumekanos_, the _poikilometis_, the _poluphron_, the _daïphron_, +the _talasiphron._ (What a peck of p's!) In battle never foiled! In +council supreme! His oratory like the snow-flakes of the winter +storm. Superbly representative Phoenician! "But over and above this +universality of ODYSSEUS in the arts of life, he bears the Phoenician +stamp in what may be termed his craft." Aha! The "Old Parliamentary +Hand" of his period plainly. Wonder if MAX thought of _that_! +Hellas and Phoenicia combined! As a Statesman of classical culture, +commercial instincts _and_ craft, what a shining success ODYSSEUS +might have been in these days! + + He went into the Cyclops' cave + To see what he could spy out; + He slew his oxen, stole his sheep, + And then he poked his eye out, + +as the ribald doggerelist has it. Sounds a little "predatory," +perhaps, as SALISBURY would say. But quite capable of being +"spiritualised" into a sound Liberal policy, directed against the +purblind Poluphemos of Property and Privilege. + +On the whole, I had a high old time among the Orientalists. But +when discussion ensued, I longed to throw off my disguise and +rush, Achilles-like, into the fray. But MAX might have thought that +inconsistent with my "colossal humanity;" so, very unwillingly, I +refrained. + + * * * * * + +UP ALOFT.--The most elevated title in the Peerage, and belonging to +the upperest part of the Upper House, is "Lord MOUNTGARRET." There can +be but one higher, and that will have to be created in the person of +a future "Lord TOPOCHIMNEPOT." Though, perhaps, the title of "Lord +COWLEY," if it were altered into Lord CHIMNEPOT-COWL-Y, would be the +highest of all. + + * * * * * + +ANGLICE-FRENCHIE EXCLAMATION (_on any of the recent many showery +days when, after an interval of ten minutes, the next bucketful +descended_).--"_POUR une autre fois!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NATURE'S SECRETS. + +"HERE ARE SOME NEW LAID EGGS FOR YOU, GEORGIE!" + +"OH, THANKS! HOW NICE! I HAVEN'T SEEN A NEW LAID EGG FOR WEEKS! HOW DO +YOU MANAGE TO GET THEM? OH, OF COURSE--YOU'VE GOT _AN INCUBATOR_!"] + + * * * * * + +INNS AND OUTS. + +NO. III.--THE PORTER. + +I had intended to have written, this week about "Loggosh"--including +that mysterious canvass hand-box which contains all that a foreigner +cares to carry about with him by day, and often pillows him when +travelling by night; but the very mention of luggage brings me back +to the Porter. I abominate him. I am "one who has suffered." So here +goes! + +"Imposing," best describes the Hôtel porter; a very Grand Hôtel has +at least two of these impositions--the House Porter and the Omnibus +Porter. The latter you only see twice in your Hôtel existence, but he +is the most futile and the deadliest fraud of the two. + +This Porter is part and parcel of that horrible deep-red-plush +nuisance, the Hôtel-omnibus. He and it are inseparables, and make up +a sort of Centaur between them. Once outside the Railway-station, I +am besieged by a babel of these Porter-omnibuses--"Bear Hôtel, Sor;" +"Grand Hôtel, Sor!"--This, from a very dilapidated specimen, which, +on inspection, turns out to be "Grand Hôtel Du Lac;" a pirate +porter-omnibus in fact; at last I find _The_ Grand Hôtel vehicle, and +functionary. The latter is of gigantic stature; quite a "chucker-out;" +in a uniform between that of a German bandsman and a Salvation +Captain--"Certinly, Sar. Dis Grand Hôtel; I see your Loggosh, Sar; gif +me se empfangschein." "Do you speak English?" I retort.--"Certinly; +spik Ingleese--empfangschein!"--"Empfangschein" baffles me, and I +am about to hand my keys to the monster, when a good-natured Courier +explains that it signifies the luggage-receipt. + +Away ambles the Porter, leaving me with that orphaned sort of feeling +which a luggageless Englishman experiences; it is pouring cats and +dogs; I am dead beat; I creep into the dark omnibus. I find myself +quite alone. I wait impatiently--a quarter of an hour--twenty-five +minutes--still no Porter; I am famished; to distract myself, I +peer through the door, whence I can discern the messy vista of the +railway-station in the rain; it's lucky I do so; for there I behold my +own portmanteau, with its huge purple stripe, being hauled away on the +back of a railway-man, followed by an alien Hôtel Porter, _not mine_, +doing nothing: they are always doing nothing. To rush out indignantly, +seize my box, defy the brigands, and carry it back myself, seemed +the work of an instant. Drenched and gasping, I find myself once +more outside; the Porter of the Grand Hôtel Du Lac is at my heels, +furious and impertinent. "Dis, _not_ your loggosh: other shentleman's +loggosh." He seized the portmanteau, and a struggle would certainly +have ensued, when my own Hôtel Porter appeared on the scene +triumphant, with a regiment of station-men carrying one small tin box. +"What you do, Sar; see _here_, your loggosh!" The tin box belonged to +a commercial-traveller, who was bound for the Hôtel Du Lac. + +I am too exhausted to curse, and leave the rival Porters to fight it +out themselves, after paying off the ragged regiment of Station-men. +On the drive to the Hôtel, the Porter tries to propitiate me. + +"Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, fetch de loggosh. I tell you, better +leave it to me, Sar. You see, _I_ get your loggosh. Dat bizley Porter +of De Hôtel Du Lac, he change de empfangschein; but I sweep it from +him, and bring to de 'Bus"--"'Bus" was good--and then he laughed! + +[Illustration: "Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, retchistar de +loggosh."] + +I never saw the brute again until the time of my departure; I had +taken a carriage to the Station this time, thinking thereby to avoid +the Porter-omnibus. I had registered my traps myself, and was looking +out for some one to carry them to the den in which you are penned till +the train arrives, when, lo! the chucker-out! smiling and bowing as if +he had never seen me before--"Is better I retchistar de loggosh, Sar; +pity shentlemans like you, Sar, retchistar de loggosh." + +I turn on my heel with an imprecation which "Ingleese-spikers" +understand. But he still waits there, smiling, and expecting to be +tipped, Let him wait. So much for the Omnibus-Porter--at once the Gamp +and Undertaker of my Grand Hôtel existence. + +The House-Porter is of equal size, and equal uselessness. He sits +in the hall, and always rises and salutes when you pass. If you want +anything, he waits till you have got it, and then offers to procure +it for you. If you ask to be called early, he chalks something on a +slate, and you are safe not to be disturbed until you rise in your +wrath and ring violently. Should you be in a town, and wish to secure +theatre-tickets, he becomes more active; he implores you not to resort +to "De Boxing Office, vare you pay premiums, you see;" but he has one +or two left for sale. Should you be weak enough to yield, you will +find that the worst seats at the highest prices are yours; and, if you +remonstrate next day, he will sigh wearily, and remark,--"Is acheslant +places, Sar; but was Gala Night, you see,"--an enigma, which those who +run may read. He is always offering to do something, and doing _you_ +instead. He is absolutely unnecessary, for there is seldom anyone in a +Grand Hôtel to "chuck out," and this would be his only justification. + + * * * * * + +THE "BLOWER" BURST UP! + + The "Blower" came down, like the braggart he was, + And of winning the fight was peculiarly "poz;" + And the voice of his backers was loud in their glee;-- + "We shall lick him in two rounds--or certainly three!" + + Like the "Champion Slugger," in trunks of bright green, + The "Big Fellow" at Eight fifty-two might be seen: + Like a truculent Titan, blind, baffled, and blown, + At Ten thirty-seven the brute was o'erthrown. + + For CORBETT smote fiercely, and CORBETT fought fast, + And the bullying bounder was beaten at last; + And the cheeks of the coarse woman-puncher were chill, + He rolled over, and struggled to rise, and lay still. + + And there stood his foe with his nostrils all wide, + And the shouts of his backers rolled on in their pride. + The swells of the Ring and the stars of the Turf + Surged round like the waves of the storm-beaten surf. + + And there lay the "Blower," distorted and pale, + With the blood on his brow where the blows fell like hail. + _His_ backers were silent, he lay there alone, + His mawleys unlifted, his trumpet unblown. + + And the "Sports" of the South are all loud in their wail. + But _Punch_, who hates bullying brutes, can but hail + That smart Californian's pluck, skill, and strength, + Who has pricked the big SULLIVAN bladder--at length! + + * * * * * + +"FONS ET ORIGO."--As to London Water "seek Wells," that is if you +wish to avoid unpleasant seq-uels. "_Don't_ leave Wells alone" is our +motto, meaning "Sir SPENCER" of that ilk, who has a deal worth hearing +to say on this subject. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TWO SIDES TO A QUESTION. + +_Major Podmore_. "CONGRATULATE YOU, DEAR BOY!" + +_Disappointed Cricketer_. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BOWLED FIRST BALL--NEVER +GOT A RUN!" + +_Major Podmore_. "QUITE SO, DEAR BOY. BUT IN THIS HOT WEATHER--80° IN +THE SHADE--SO MUCH BETTER, IF YOU CAN, TO TAKE THINGS COOLLY!"] + + * * * * * + +A ROUNDABOUT RAMBLE. + +(_A FACT FOUNDED ON FICTION._) + +The sharp, bright little Traveller made his way to the Cabinet of M. +CARNOT, and disturbed him at work. + +"Do you know, M. Le Président," said he, "that the Russians are in +secret treaty with the English, and the Russo-French Alliance is all +nonsense--the most unreliable of broken reeds?" + +"Well, no," replied CARNOT, "I have not heard anything of the sort; +and, if anyone should be up in it--" + +But the Traveller did not want to hear the rest, for he was once again +on his road, telling everyone he met the disquieting intelligence, +and, consequently, the French people were greatly troubled. + +He was soon in Berlin. He did not ask for an interview with the +KAISER, but took one. + +"Your Royal and Imperial Majesty," said he, "are you aware that Italy +is in secret accord with France, and that the Triple Alliance is a +sham, and that the cry _À Berlin!_ may be renewed at any moment?" + +"Well, no," said the Emperor, "I have not heard this; and if anyone +should know anything about it, I fancy--" + +But the Traveller did not wait for the KAISER to finish the +sentence, but was off again, telling everyone he met the disquieting +intelligence. And, consequently, the German people were greatly +troubled. + +Then the Traveller obtained admission, in the same unceremonious +fashion, to the apartment occupied by the Emperor of AUSTRIA. + +"King of HUNGARY," said he, "are you aware that you cannot possibly +rely upon your German neighbour, because the KAISER has a secret +understanding with the CZAR, by which the Principalities will be +included in Russian territory, and the Rhine secured from French +invasion?" + +"No, I have not heard it," was the answer; "and, if it had been the +case, I imagine that--" + +But again the Traveller left without waiting for the completion of +the sentence, and went his way telling everyone he met the disquieting +intelligence. And consequently, the Austro-Hungarian peoples were +greatly troubled. + +And now the Traveller was in the presence of the Emperor of ALL THE +RUSSIAS. Again he had obtained admission without the preliminary of an +official introduction. + +"Little Father," said the Traveller, "are you aware that your youthful +relative in Berlin is coquetting with France and England, and you may +find the whole of Europe marshalled against you?" + +"Well, no I have not heard it," returned the CZAR; "and I really +think--" + +But the Traveller never learned what the CZAR really thought, for he +was away before His Imperial Majesty had completed the sentence. And +as he went away, after his usual fashion, he spread the disquieting +intelligence, and consequently the Russian people were greatly +troubled. + +And now the Traveller was in Cairo. He presented himself before the +KHEDIVE without waiting for the English adviser. + +"Your Highness, do you know that the British Army of occupation is on +the eve of departure?" said he. + +"What, in spite of Lord ROSEBERY going to the Foreign Office!" +exclaimed the SULTAN's vassal, in a tone of considerable astonishment. + +"Of course," replied the visitor. "Everything was settled long ago, +and before Christmas there won't be a red-coat in Egypt!" + +"Indeed," returned His Highness, "I certainly have not heard it, and I +fancy--" + +But the Traveller departed without ascertaining the drift of the +KHEDIVE's fancies, and on his road, strictly according to precedent, +spread the disquieting intelligence, and consequently the Egyptian +people were greatly troubled. + +And now the Traveller was once more back in London. He entered Capel +Court and rested himself. He said nothing. It was unnecessary, for he +was well known, and his stories had already been discounted. + +"Ah, my little friend RUMOUR," said Mr. BULLBEAR; "you have come back +again! And now you can rest for awhile, until we want you after the +next account." + +So RUMOUR is waiting in the Stock Exchange until he is wanted after +the next account! + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. XIV.--TO SWAGGER. + +I approach you with fear and trembling. Somewhere in the Cave of the +Winds you have your home. The ancient Authors, to their discredit, +make no mention of your existence there, but the fact is as I have +stated it. The East wind blows into your gaping mouth, and forth you +go, puffing and swelling with an alien importance, to do your hateful +work. You hover over a second-rate Statesman, who has attracted the +applause of a Party by an opportune speech, compiled by the industry +of a humble Secretary. From that moment his nature changes. Though he +may have been simple and beloved, yet, through you, he shall become +pompous, and abhorred. His fellow-creatures are thenceforth mere +material for his trampling feet; he swells into regions to which no +criticism can reach; he covers himself in a triple hide of vanity, +ostentation, and disdain; he hails himself continually as the unaided +Saviour of his country, and dies in the odour of braggadocio, without +a genuine friend to mourn his loss. + +[Illustration] + +Or, again, you select some common, smug-faced Clergyman, capable, no +doubt, if he were left alone, of guiding his flock quietly into the +strait paths of goodness and humility. You turn him into a loud-voiced +Clerical quack, vending his wretched patent medicines of salvation +in a style of offensive denunciation that would have ruined a host of +Dulcamaras, trained in the insinuating methods of the ordinary trade. +But on this the Clergyman thrives, and weak women fall prostrate +before his roaring insincerity. + +Nor do you neglect the young. Heavens! I remember I was once favoured +with the confidences of WILLIAM JOSKINS BACON, an Undergraduate, +generally known to his intimates as "Side of Bacon." I shudder +to recollect how that amazing creature discoursed to me about his +popularity, his influence, his surprising deeds both of valour and of +discretion. With one nod--and, as he spoke, he gave me an illustration +of his Olympian method--he had awed his Head-master--a present +ornament of the Bench of Bishops--into a terrified silence, from which +he recovered only to bless the name of JOSKINS, and hold him up as a +pattern to his schoolfellows. At a single phrase of scorn from those +redoubtable lips, his College Tutor had withered into acquiescence, +and had never dared to refuse him an _exeat_ from that day forth. "I +can't help pitying the beggar," said JOSKINS--"but I had to do it. +You must make these fellows feel you're their master, or they'll never +give you a moment's peace. Halloa!" he continued, as a brawny athlete +sauntered into the room, "how's the boat going, BULLEN? Not very well, +eh? Well, remember I'm ready to lend you a hand, and pull you through +when things get desperate." The smile with which this offer was +received had no effect upon my companion. He took it rather as a +tribute to the subtle humour which, as he believed, lay lurking in his +simplest utterances. "Always make 'em laugh," he observed, with pride. +"It keeps up the spirits of these poor devils of rowing-men; and old +BULLEN knows I'm all there when I'm wanted." But I had heard enough, +and departed from him, feeling as though a steam-roller had passed +over my moral nature, and flattened out my self-respect. + +Then there was CHEPSTOWE, the poet. I am old enough to remember him; +and it pleases me sometimes to call back to my mind this paltry and +forgotten little literary _Bombastes_. As I write, I have before +me some of the reviews that greeted his boisterous invasion of the +regions of song. "Mr. CHEPSTOWE," said one, "has struck a note which +is destined to vibrate so long as the English language is spoken in +civilised lands. He is no ordinary rhymester, struggling feebly in the +bonds of convention. With a bold and masterful on-rush, he cleaves his +way unhesitatingly to the very heart of things, tears it out, and lays +it, palpitating and bleeding, before the eyes of humanity. We have +only space for a few lines from the magnificent _Ode to Actuality_:-- + + "'Prone in the caverns of the vasty deep + I lay, + And slept not, though I seemed to sleep. + The day + Pierced not with sullen eyes of pallid scorn + The dark, + Unplumbed abyss, where, girt with red limbs torn. + The shark + Sported, and eyeless monsters crawled in slime--' + +"No extract can, however, convey an adequate idea of this grand poem, +on which, as on the bed rock, Mr. CHEPSTOWE's fame is established for +ever, SHAKSPEARE himself might have been proud to have written it." +I may remark, parenthetically, that in his "Ode" CHEPSTOWE pictured +himself as a sort of animate skeleton:-- + + "Sockets where light once shone grinned emptiness; + The teeth + Were fallen from the gaping, gumless jaws; nathless + Beneath + The cold smooth skull, the brain retained her throne." + +Amid these uncomfortable surroundings CHEPSTOWE described himself as +penetrated with raptures of fierce joy at having shaken himself free +from the world and its puling insincerities to dwell amid "Unpitying +shapes of death's dread twin despair," where "Rapine and slaughter +raged, and none rebuked." Another reviewer observed that "The soul of +ARCHER's, the tavern-brawler's glorious victim, KIT MARLOWE, has taken +again a habitation of clay. She speaks trumpet-tongued by the mouth +of Mr. CHEPSTOWE. We note in these outpourings of dramatic passion +an audacity, an energy, an enthusiasm, that are calculated to shake +Peckham Rye to its centre, and make Balham tremble in its ridiculous +carpet slippers. Who--to take only one example--but Mr. CHEPSTOWE or +MARLOWE could have written thus of 'Rapture'?-- + + "'Not in the mouths of prating men who deem + That God dwells in the senseless clay they mould, + Who live their little lives and die their deaths, + Lapped in a smug respectability; + Who never dreamt of breaking puny laws + Formed for a puny race of grovellers; + But in the blood-stained track of flaming swords, + Wielded by knotty arms in Man's despite, + Or on the wings of crashing battle-balls, + Bone-shattering dealers of a thousand wounds, + The roaring heralds of indignant God, + There rapture dwells, and there I too would dwell.' + +"Here is power that would furnish forth a whole legion of the +poetasters who crawl through our effete literature!" But I cannot +pursue these memories. They are too painful. For who speaks of +CHEPSTOWE now? Who cares to cumber his bookshelves with the volumes +in which this inflated arm-chair prophet of the tin pots delivered his +shrieking message? His very name has flickered out; and when I spoke +of him the other day, I was asked, by a person of some intelligence, +if I referred to CHEPSTOWE who had just made 166 playing cricket for +the Gentlemen against the Players. Not even the lion and the lizard +keep his courts, and yet JAMSHYD CHEPSTOWE gloried and drank deep in +his day. He blustered through many editions, he bellowed his contempt +at a shrinking world, he outraged conventionality, he swung himself by +the aid of newly-fashioned metres to lofty peaks of poetic daring, and +to-day the dust lies thick upon his books, and his name is confounded +with that of an eminent cricket-player! + +My excellent SWAGGER, it was meanly done. If you meant to wipe him out +so swiftly, why did you ever exalt him? + +Farewell for a space. I may have to write to you again. + +Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +"USED UP."--Lord BRASSEY requested several papers last week to publish +his denial as to having the finest collection of stamps in the world. +His Lordship, it appears, "doesn't take the smallest interest in +foreign stamps." Fortunate for Lord BRASSEY. There are some excellent +people who can't get up any interest, or capital either, at all +without a stamp of some sort. Lord BRASSEY wished it further known, +that he was not a collector of curios, and had no curiosity of any +kind. Lord BRASSEY must be a later edition of _L'Homme Blasé_, to whom +the world was round like an indiarubber-ball and "nothing in it." + + * * * * * + +"IN NUBIBUS."--If the new Sky-signs with which we are threatened, +_viz._, advertisements reflected in the clouds, become the fashion, +the aspect of the heavens by daylight will be as delightful and +artistic as are the walls of our hoardings and Railway-stations. +The anthem of "_The Heavens are Telling_" will have to be adapted +for large towns. Perhaps pictures may be projected on the nebulous +back-ground. If so, some of our best Artists may not object to taking +a good sum, and then having their work "Sky'd." + + * * * * * + +PHANTASMA-GORE-IA! + +_PICTURING THE VARIOUS MODES OF MELODRAMATIC MURDER_. (_BY OUR +"OFF-HIS"-HEAD POET_.) + +NO. I.--THE DAGGER MURDER. + +[Illustration] + + They stand alone on the moonlit spot,-- + Sing Ho--ho! and Ha--ha! there! + One is the villain, and one is not, + But the heroine's father. + They stand alone on the patch of light + (Which comes from the left as well as right)-- + Oh, 'tis a glorious place and night + For a Murder Scene! Rather! + + They talk of deeds (of the parchment kind)-- + Sing Ha--ha! and Ho-ho! there! + The heavy father, to reason blind, + Has them with him to show there! + The deeds relate to the old man's will; + The villain wants them to pay a bill! + The night is cold, and the night is still + Let the music be slow there! + + They stand alone in the pale-green light-- + Sing Hey--hey! and he--he! there! + What is this flashing so keen and bright? + What is this that I see there? + Oh! deed of darkness in light descried! + Oh! villain thrice damn'd that blade to hide, + Right 'tween the arm on _the farther_ side-- + Certain death when it be there! + + They're still alone on the moonlit spot-- + Sing He--he! and Hey--hey! there! + Though one is Standing,[1] and one is not, + For _one's_ cold as the clay there! + The villain covers the dead man's stare-- + The corpse lies stiff in the limelight's glare! + The act is done!--and for all I care, + The dead body can stay there! + +[Footnote 1: HERBERT.] + + * * * * * + +TO MY LUGGAGE-LABELS. + + Wonderful pictures of purple and gold, + Ultramarine, and vermilion, and bistre; + Splendid inscriptions of hostels untold, + Touching memorials breathing of "Mr.;" + "Schweizerhof," "Bernerhof," "Hofs" by the score; + Signs of the Bear and the Swan, and the Bellevue, + Gasthaus, Albergo, Posada, galore-- + Beautiful wrecks, how I wish I could shelve you! + + Visions of Venice--her stones and her smells! + Whiffs of Cologne--aromatic mementos; + Visiting cards, so to speak, of hotels; + Como's, Granada's, Zermatt's and Sorrento's + Ah! how ye cling to my boxes and bags, + Glued with a pigment that baffles removal; + Dogged adherents in dirt and in rags; + Labels, receive my profane disapproval! + + Much as I prized you, when roaming afield, + Loved you, when Life was metheglyn and skittles, + Wished you the spell of remembrance to wield, + Calling the scenery back and the victuals; + Still, when it blows and it rains, and it irks, + Here in apartments adjoining a seaview, + After a meal that would terrify Turks, + Somehow I feel I can scarcely believe you. + + Yes! It's too much to remember the past-- + Here, amid shrimps, and agilities nameless; + Glaciers gigantic, and Restaurants vast + Chime not with sands and a tablecloth shameless; + Smoking a pestilent, sea-side cigar, + Mewed in a lodging with children and nurses, + Epitaphs gorgeous of far "_Dolce far_," + Curse you with paterfamiliar curses! + + * * * * * + +THE UGLY FACE: A MORAL DUTY + +[Illustration: "A ready-made Comedian with fifty quid a week."] + + Some years ago a babe was born--I need not name the place-- + With a puffy, pasty, podgy, gutta-percha sort of face, + Which wrinkles sub-divided into funny little bits, + While beady eyes peered cunningly behind two tiny slits. + + His nose was like a mushroom of the foreign button sort, + His form was quaint and chubby, and his legs were extra short; + That his nurse spoke like SAPPHIRA, I have always had a fear, + When she said he was a "beauty," and a "pretty little dear." + + Yes, such remarks were really of the truth, a dreadful stretch, + For, in point of fact, that baby was a hideous little wretch; + And in course of time he grew up--though a loving mother's joy-- + Into quite a champion specimen of the genius "ugly boy." + + At school his teasing comrades gave him many comic names, + And he became the victim of all sorts of naughty games; + Nor did the master like him, for he felt that such a face, + Mid a row of ruddy youngsters, was extremely out of place. + + In time, his father placed him in the City--as a clerk-- + Where his personal appearance excited much remark; + But he fell out with his principal, whose customers complained, + That his clerk was making faces, and said "Bosh!" when he explained. + + On perceiving from the office that he never would be missed, + As Mr. GILBERT puts it, he determined to enlist; + And so one summer afternoon he started forth in search + Of a Sergeant who perambulates close by St. Martin's Church. + + The Sergeant burst out laughing when he'd uttered his request, + And declared that, of a batch of jokes he knew, this was the best; + "'Tis a pity you're too short, my lad," he then went on to say, + "For wid _that_ face ye'd froighten ivery inimy away!" + + In a fountain which played handy--it was near Trafalgar Square-- + He was rushing off to drown himself, the victim of despair, + When he knocked against a person he'd not seen for quite an age, + Who had left his home some years before, and gone upon the Stage. + + To this friend he soon narrated his distressing tale of woe, + And declared his case was hopeless. But the actor said, "Not so. + There's _one_ thing, my fine fellow, that as yet you haven't tried, + Where your face will be your fortune, and a pound or two beside. + + "With a mouth like yours to grin with, and your too delicious + squint, + And the ears that Nature's given you with such a lack of stint,-- + No matter what an author may provide you with to speak, + You're a ready-made Comedian--with your fifty quid a week." + + And it was so. Though he started at a figure rather less + Than the one that I have mentioned, still the truth I but express + When I say he now is earning such a wage as wouldn't shock + A respectable Archbishop or a fashionable jock. + + And the face that all men sneered at, now is very much admired, + And the public ne'er, apparently, of watching it grows tired, + And the Merchant who dismissed him, in the Stalls is wont to sit, + While the Sergeant and his sweetheart are applauding from the Pit. + + The moral of my narrative is easy to espy. + But still I'd better mention it, lest some should pass it by: + "Though it's often very troublesome indeed to find it out-- + There's a proper sphere for _everyone_, beyond the slightest doubt." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TECHNICALITIES. + +_First Amateur Water-Colourist._ "DO YOU _WASH_ MUCH?" + +_Second Ditto Ditto_. "NO; I _SCRATCH_ A GOOD DEAL!"] + + * * * * * + +"PUTTING ON THE HUG." + + [During President CARNOT's tour he received at Aix-les-Bains + "a delegation of children." One of these, clad in a Russian + dress, offered him a bunch of flowers, repeating a stanza + written for the occasion. M. CARNOT, amid cries of "_Vive + la France!_" "_Vive la Russie!_" "_Vive Carnot!_" "_Vive la + République!_" kissed the little girl, saying, "_J'embrasse la + Russie!_"] + + Yes--"_Vive la France!_"--and "_Vive la Russie!_" too. + _Vive_--why not?--everybody! + Called once, "_Monsieur le Président Faute-de-Mieux_"[2] + (By _Punch_, that foe of shoddy). + I fancy I have justified the name, + Ay, to the very letter. + I may not be a THIERS, but all the same, + France has not found a better. + + Tall-talk is tedious, but one must not flinch + When asked the task to tackle; + And he's no Frenchman true who, at a pinch, + Cannot both crow and cackle. + Ah, _Vive_, once more, the Gallic Cock--and hen! + These Talking-Tours are trying, + But 'tis with windy flouts of tongue or pen, + We keep the French flag flying. + + A sop for SAVOY neatly put, elicits + _Such_ "double rounds of cheering." + "_Vive CARNOT!_" To be sure! My annual visits, + France to the Flag endearing + By sweet-phrased flattery of the Fatherland, + Are sure to swell our legions. + "I wish, France, to be _thine_!" The effect was grand, + In "Allobrogian" regions. + + _Vive_ Everything--especially _la Blague!_ + (What _should_ we do without it?) + Fraternity! the Fatherland! the Flag!-- + _I_ work them--never doubt it! + Then "_La République_" and "_La Russie_," linked, + Pair off, 'midst acclamations: + Yes, I proclaimed--and never winced or winked-- + _That_ "brotherhood of nations!" + + "A delegation of young children," Ah! + And they were not the only ones. + "Men are but children of a larger--" Bah! + Wise and strong _men_ are--lonely ones. + Most men--French-men--have touches of the child, + Fondness for show, fine phrases-- + Pst! Here my _rôle_'s not cynical, but mild, + And open as dawn-daisies. + + "_J'embrasse la Russie!_" That was rather neat + For "_Faute-de-Mieux_," at any rate. + Wondrous the magic power of _blague_, and "bleat" + On Man--_mouton_ degenerate! + That "_Bête Humaine_," as ZOLA dubs him. Gr--r--r! + The real brutes are braver; + The tiger, when in chase of prey, won't purr, + Nor will the Bear, then, slaver. + + The Bear! Reminds me of a horrid dream + I had that night. A funny one, + But startling! I awoke with such a scream! + I dreamt some link (a money one?) + Bound me to a big Bruin, rampant, tall, + A regular Russian Shagbag, + In whose close hug I felt extremely small, + And squeezable as a rag-bag. + + I, CARNOT, squeezable! 'Tis too absurd! + A President, and pliant! + But--in my dream--the raucous voice I heard + Of that grim ursine giant. + "Come to my arms! You'll find them strong and snug. + The North's _so_ true--and tender!"-- + And then that monster huge put on the hug! + I thought my soul I'd render. + + A bear's embrace, like a prize-fighter's grip, + Is close as passion's clasping. + "Welcome!" he grunted. "_I_'ll not let you slip!" + "Thanks! thanks!" I answered, gasping. + "_J'em--brasse--la--Rus--sie!_" Here my breath quite failed + In that prodigious cuddle. + 'Twas but a dream--How was it sleep prevailed + My meaning so to muddle? + + "_J'embrasse la Russie!_" It was neatly phrased + As MOHRENHEIM admitted, + A President, in doggerel stanzas praised, + Must be so ready-witted, + Yet mild Republican and Autocrat, + Hugging in friendly seeming, + Suggest that _Someone_ may be cuddled _flat_-- + At least in restless dreaming. + +[Footnote 2: See Cut so named, p. 279, Vol. 93, Dec. 17, 1887.] + + * * * * * + +FROM THE VALE OF LLANGOLFLYN. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I have just seen your Number with the Song of "The +Golf Enthusiast." It occurs to me that no one has ever mentioned the +fact that the Romans knew the game, for does not VIRGIL sing, "_Tee +veniente die--Tee decedente canebat?_" I have not the book, and +therefore can't give you the reference--but I know I am right, as I am + +A WELSH GOLFER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PUTTING ON THE HUG!" + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT (_breathlessly_). "J'EM--BRASSE--LA RUSSIE!!" + + ("An interesting incident occurred during the official + reception held by M. CARNOT at the Mairie. A child dressed in + the Russian national costume presented the President with + a bouquet, at the same time reciting a brief complimentary + speech. M. CARNOT smilingly embraced the child, saying, 'I + embrace Russia.'"--_Quoted from Daily Papers_.)] + + * * * * * + +WHY YOUNG MEN DON'T MARRY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The reason is obvious. It is entirely owing to your +advice to those about to marry--Don't! I myself have been on the brink +of proposing to several thousand delightful girls, a large per centage +of which, I am convinced, would have gladly accepted me. I have in +every case been restrained by the recollection of your advice.--Your +obedient and obliged Servant, + +HUGH ADOLPHUS LATCH-KEY. + +_Sept_. 5, 1892. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The reason (which I confide to your ear, and yours +alone) is obvious--the girls don't, and apparently _won't_ propose. +Of course they ought--what else do we have Leap Year for? Take my own +case. I am genuinely in love with ETHEL TRINKERTON, who has just been +staying with us in the country for three weeks. She has paid me every +kind of attention. In our neighbourhood, if A. carries B.'s umbrella, +where A. and B. are of opposite sexes, it is regarded as an informal, +though perfectly definite way of announcing an approaching engagement. +She knew the custom, and _carried mine on no less than three +occasions_. (It is entirely beside the point that it rained heavily +each time.) Yet she left us yesterday without an approach to a +proposal. She's fair enough herself, but is her conduct? It isn't +as if I hadn't given her enough chances. It cost me a small fortune +to bribe my small brother to keep away; and, time after time, I've +consented to sit alone with her in the summer-house. It isn't as +if she couldn't afford it. They tell me she has at least a thousand +a-year in her own right (whatever that may be), which would do +capitally. I happen to be penniless myself; but, as I heard her say, +her idea of marriage was the union of "soul to soul," my want of a few +paltry pence could hardly matter. It's particularly humiliating for +me, as, after the repeated umbrella-carrying, everybody here thinks +it's all settled. That, _Mr. Punch_, is the reason why, at any rate, +_one_ young man doesn't marry. + +Yours, thoroughly aggrieved, BERTIE COOL-CHEEK, + +_Pickleton-in-the-Marsh, Kent_. + +P.S.--If ETHEL really didn't understand her position, and would like +to reopen the matter, I would not be haughty about it.--B. C-C. + +DEAR, KIND, GOOD MR. PUNCH,--The reason is obvious--the men don't and +won't propose to the right girls. Take my own case. I've just stayed +three weeks with the COOL-CHEEKS, and felt quite certain BERTIE would +have proposed. He had all the symptoms badly. I saw him give his +little brother half-a-crown to go indoors for ten minutes, and the way +he _would_ go in the summer-house and for long walks--with _me_--made +it quite clear (as I thought) what was going to happen. Yet, he let +me come away without a word! I'm sure _I_ don't want to run after him +(or anybody else), but I _did_ think he meant something. We suited +one another admirably. In fact, if he doesn't ask _me_ with all the +opportunities he had, he'd ask no one. + +Yours, just-a-little-disappointed, ETHEL TRINKERTON, + +_The Thorns, Bayswater._ + +P.S.--He carried my umbrella almost hourly--and you know what +_that_ means. If BERTIE was only nervous, and would like another +chance--well, we are always at home on Sunday afternoons.--E.T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REAL CONVERT. + +_Local Preacher_ (_giving an account to the Vicar of the Parish of a +dispute he has had with the Leading Lights of his Sect_). "YES, SIR, +AFTER TREATMENT THE LIKES O' THAT, I SAYS TO 'EM, 'FOR THE FUTURE,' +SAYS I, 'I CHUCKS UP ALL RELIGION, AND I GOES TO CHURCH!'"] + + * * * * * + +A HINT TO EDITORS. + + SCENE--_The Sanctum of a Newspaper Office. Editor discovered + (by Obtrusive Visitor) hard at work._ + +_Obtrusive Visitor_. I trust that I have not come at an unfortunate +moment? + +_Editor_ (_looking up from his desk_). Dear me! You here! Delighted to +see you. But don't let me disturb you. Good-bye! + +_Ob. Vis._ (_seating himself_). No; I am afraid it is the other way. I +know at this time of the week you must be exceptionally busy. + +_Ed._ (_with courteous impatience_). Not at all, but-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Oh! thank you so much. Because it is the very last thing in +the world I would like to do--to disturb you. And now, how are you? + +_Ed._ Quite well, thanks. But now, if you don't mind, I will just +finish. + + [_Turns to go on with his article._ + +_Ob. Vis._ (_rejecting the hint_). I said to myself as I came along, +Now I will look him up. + +_Ed._ Very kind of you, but-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Oh, not in the least; and you know, my dear fellow, how I +enjoy a chat. + +_Ed._ Yes,--and I, too. But just now-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Quite so. You want me to do all the talking, as we haven't +met for the last three weeks. Well, you must know we have been to +Herne Bay, and-- + +_Ed._ Yes; charming place. But just now I am-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Quite so. But I didn't come to tell you about Herne Bay, +although it is really a delightful spot. The air-- + +_Ed._ Yes, I know all about it. First-rate, most salubrious, and the +rest of it. But, my dear friend, you really must-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Quite so! Yes, everyone knows all about Herne Bay; and I +really came to ask you if you had any room for an article. + +_Ed._ (_roused_). My dear fellow, I assure you we are quite full for +months. Any number of excellent things standing over. + +_Ob. Vis._ Oh, yes, I know you are always full. You told me so the +last time I called. + +_Ed._ Quite so! Very sorry, but it can't be helped. Have to look so +far ahead nowadays, you know. + +_Ob. Vis._ Certainly; and that is why I thought I would just bring a +half-finished article and show you what I had dome, and complete it +if you thought it would do. You can put it in whenever you like; so it +would not hurt for standing over. + +_Ed._ (_with inspiration_). What is it called? + +_Ob. Vis._ "Russian Wheat and Chinese Tea or Free Trade in Australia." +The subject is quite novel, and ought to attract considerable +attention. + +_Ed._ Novel! Why, my dear fellow, I do believe I have an article +somewhere in that heap upon the very subject. + + [_Pretends to search pile of MS._ + +_Ob. Vis._ (_uneasily_). Oh, never mind. I will read you what I have +written, and-- + +_Ed._ (_genially_). Oh, no, I won't give you the trouble. I will read +you what _he_ has written, and then you can see.--Ah, here it is! + + [_Produces enormous pile of MS._ + +_Ob. Vis._ (_hesitating_). Well, perhaps, if you don't mind-- + + [_Suddenly remembers an appointment and exit. Editor resumes + hit work with an air of triumph. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +THE THIEF'S MOTTO.--"Take things quietly." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones_. "HOW IS IT WE SEE YOU SO SELDOM AT THE CLUB +NOW?" + +_Old Member_. "AH, WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT SO YOUNG AS I WAS; AND +I'VE HAD A GOOD DEAL OF WORRY LATELY; AND SO, WHAT WITH ONE THING AND +ANOTHER, I'VE GROWN RATHER FOND OF MY OWN SOCIETY." + +_Jones_. "EPICURE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A PHEASANT. + +A SPORTSMANLIKE(?) SONG FOR SEPTEMBER. + +AIR--"_You are Queen of my Heart To-night_." + + I Stand in the copses sighing + As the cruel hours creep by, + And I see you slowly flying + Above the trees on high. + Your wondrous wealth, of feather + Has weaved a subtle spell, + And I softly wonder whether + You'd really taste as well. + For my hand is fairly steady + Though my heart is beating fast, + Oh, tell me that you too are ready + To make this hour your last. + For repentance may come when we're sober, + Let's seize on the chance while we may; + Then why should we wait till October? + Oh! Why not be shot to-day? + Oh! tell me why, why should I remember + With a thought of wild alarm, + That all through the month of sweet September + You should be free from harm. + Why, why does your beauty enslave me, + As it does, you're bound to allow + Oh! say but the word that will save me, + And tell me to shoot you now. + For my heart is wildly beating + (As it's often done before), + And the moments madly fleeting + Are going to come never more. + For repentance may come when we're sober, + Let's seize on the chance while we may, + Then why should we wait till October? + Oh! Why not be shot to-day? + + * * * * * + +"THE GRATUITOUS OPINION." + +(_A STORY FOR THE LONG VACATION_.) + +The Eminent Lawyer was about to return to his private address, when +there was a knock at the door of his Chambers. He attended to the +summons himself, and found facing him an elderly and carefully dressed +individual. + +"That some of my suburban neighbours desire the information, must be +my excuse for troubling you," said the visitor. + +"Nay, do not apologise," returned the Eminent Q.C., "it is my +pleasantest duty to give legal tips or applications to anybody. It is +not altogether lucrative, as I deliver them for nothing, but then on +the other hand, they are suitable for insertion in the papers, and +that is a comforting consideration. What can I do for you?" + +[Illustration] + +"I have to ask you on behalf of my suburban neighbours," continued the +visitor, "whether there is any principle which is accepted by Judges +to regulate their decisions in cases where drunkenness seems to be the +incentive of crime?" + +"I shall only be too glad to find a solution to a problem which +appears one of great difficulty--the more especially as certain +inhabitants of the suburbs are so deeply interested in the subject. It +seems to me that some Judges think one way and some another." + +"That is strange," murmured the visitor. "Cannot their Lordships come +to a common conclusion?" + +"I fear not," replied the Eminent Counsel, with a mournful smile. "It +is merely a question of opinion. However, I take it that one would +be perfectly safe to commit a murder under the influence of _delirium +tremens_." + +"I am infinitely obliged to you for the information," said the +visitor, "as now I know what to do." + +"You are not homicidal, I trust!" exclaimed the Lawyer, jumping up +from his chair, and taking protection behind a desk. "I have the +greatest possible objection to homicidal clients." + +"Be under no apprehension," was the reply. "I have a strong desire to +shorten the life of a certain person, but have not the nerve to do it. +If I ever succeed, will it be a case deserving capital punishment?" + +The Lawyer pondered a moment, and then replied. "I have no wish +to offer my counsel; but, as you have exhausted my time for +consideration, I would propose that you should try the matter for +yourself. Become intoxicated, put yourself within the clutches of the +law, and then see whether his Lordship will assume the black cap." + +"You are very good," returned the would-be homicide, "but I have +one difficulty. When I make up my mind to remove a person by +unconventional means (for choice, a carving-knife), and consume the +necessary amount of alcohol to insure intoxication--" + +"Yes," interjected the Lawyer, who had now opened the outer door. + +"I find, on reaching intoxication, that I have entirely forgotten the +identity of the man I have marked for my victim. Then I have got to +grow sober before I can remember who it is. Annoying, isn't it?" + +And, wishing the Eminent Counsel a pleasant holiday, the visitor +disappeared into the Inner Temple. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE SOUTH SEA-SIDE.] + + * * * * * + +THE HAT TO THE PARASOL. + +(_A SCHERZO IN NOBS AND STICKS._) + +[Illustration] + + Reflection polished of highbred + And unreflecting graces, + I scintillate o'er STREPHON's head + At gala, rout or races; + Mine is the black but comely blend, + And mine the crowning touches + That so demurely recommend + The dandy to the duchess. + + Out on thee, cruel Parasol, + Of lace, the pearl, and satin; + And glinting like a fairy doll + With many a burnished patin; + Cool, charming as the dainty dame + Who twirls thy coromandel; + Thou flauntest proudly since thy name, + Like hers, can boast its handle! + + The cynosure of wondering _beaux_, + I boast a soul above thee; + No fate can mar my calm repose, + Or make me cease to love thee; + Supreme above the common tile, + My own affronts unheeding, + I bow and compliment and smile, + The Chesterfield of breeding. + + Out on thee, trinket idly swayed! + Could any courtier dare see, + Through such perfections so displayed, + The mere "_Belle Dame sans merci_"? + Could man believe a thing so soft, + So framed for gentle passion, + Might wound, and wound not once but oft + The jaunty glass of fashion? + + Yet sooth it is; and here I stand + A martyr to my tenets-- + That orthodoxy smooth and grand + Of LINCOLN's fane and BENNETT's; + Unruffled once and unperplexed, + Collapsing now like jelly, + And but a sermon on the text + _Sic transit lux capelli_. + + I who have braved our fitful climes + And laughed when tempest drenches, + And shaken off the dust that grimes + Pews, cushioned stalls and benches, + Survived the counterblasting Row, + And Summer gales that roar so-- + I ne'er imagined such a foe + Could trounce me to a torso. + + * * * * * + +THE POTATO AND THE HEPTARCHY. + +(_A SENSIBLE SONG FOR THE SILLY SEASON._) + + ["Even the Potato and the Heptarchy will not leave us + perfectly equipped."--_The Daily News on "Why Young Men Don't + Marry."_] + + The Tater and the Heptarchy + Were walking hand-in-hand; + They wept like "first-night" Stalls to see + The folly of the land; + "If fools would not talk fiddlededee," + They said "it _would_ be grand!" + + "If modest maids with towzled mops + On _you_ and _me_ were clear, + Do you suppose," the Tater said, + "More men would wed each year?" + "I doubt it," said the Heptarchy-- + "They only mean to sneer! + + "'O Maidens, come and cook for us!' + They--shamming love--beseech. + 'Oh, tell us about Saxon times! + The course of history teach!' + But what they really want is 'tin;' + A thumping share for each. + + "A girl may cook like any _chef_, + And know all HALLAM through, + May be a dab at darning socks, + Or making Irish stew; + But what young cubs care for is cash, + And not for me _or_ you. + + "They want to lead an easy life, + And have good weeds and wine. + Without these luxuries, a wife + They scornfully decline. + For _Benedick's_ life of manly strife + The fops are far too fine." + + "The Season's come," the Tater said, + "To write of many things: + Of frocks--and socks--and needle-work-- + And babes--and bonnet-strings; + But all the lot talk utter rot. + Let the fools have their flings! + + "Their jibes at girls, their games, their curls, + Their wastefulness, their waist, + Their yearnings to hook Dukes and Earls, + Their matrimonial haste, + Are the crude chat of cubs and churls, + And in the vilest taste. + + "But when they prate of you and me, + As the two gifts _they_ want, + Say Classic lore and Cookery + Are things for which _they_ pant; + Believe me, my dear Heptarchy, + They plumb profoundest Cant!" + + * * * * * + +SEA-SIDE ILLS. + +(_BY OUR MAN OVER-BORED._) + +SEA-SIDYLL--THE PIER BAND. + +[Illustration] + + 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- + And it plays on that body's pier; + And one knows by the way + That the instruments play, + That the talent is not too dear. + And the trombone is not too clear; + When it has to play quick + It is moistful and thick, + For the trombone is fond of beer-- + It is nurtured on pots of beer. + + 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- + And the cornet is fat just here; + And he's short, and bull-necked. + When you come to reflect + How he wastes all his wind, 'tis queer + That the man should be stout just here! + But the noise of the throat + In the solos denote + That the cornet is fond of beer-- + It's been brought up on pots of beer. + + 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- + And I know why that Band is queer, + For I see in the face + Of the trombone a trace + Of the blackguard who blows it near + Me in Town, at most times of year! + And I mark, too, the face + Of that beastly big-bass-- + (Which has also been reared on beer)-- + And I know, too, the face + Of that other disgrace, + The fat cornet! They've come down here-- + They've been borrowed, and lent new gear! + + But I know them of old, + And in spite of the gold + Round the hats, with the peaks just here, + I can see who they are while near. + They wear bowlers in Town, + And frock-coats which are brown, + On account of their age--or beer! + For they play to the public for beer; + For they stand and they blow + On the kerb in a row, + And then go to the public for beer! + And so this is the Band down here! + + * * * * * + +"THREE CHOIRS FESTIVAL."--Curious coincidence, if true, that when Miss +JESSIE KING was charmingly giving the contralto song, "_While my Watch +I'm Keeping_," a gentleman in the crowded audience suddenly put his +hand to his waistcoat-pocket and exclaimed, "Good gracious! it's +gone!" He will never forget the title of that song. The watch was off +its guard. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, SEPTEMBER 17, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 15332-8.txt or 15332-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15332 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/15332-8.zip b/15332-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..02a1e96 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-8.zip diff --git a/15332-h.zip b/15332-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff8f977 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h.zip diff --git a/15332-h/15332-h.htm b/15332-h/15332-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d92f9da --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/15332-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1878 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, September 17, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +September 17, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, September 17, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 12, 2005 [eBook #15332]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, SEPTEMBER 17, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>September 17, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> +<h2>HEARING HIMSELF.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Mysterious Mem. from a Hawarden Note-Book.</i>)</h4> + +<p>Exceedingly kind and flattering of MAX MÜLLER! "I hope there +are but few here present who have never enjoyed the privilege of +listening to Mr. GLADSTONE." Ha! ha! He little thought there +was <i>one</i> there who had <i>not</i> "enjoyed that privilege." Have enjoyed +most privileges in my time, but never that of "hearing myself as +others hear me"—more or less. "Unavoidable absence of Mr. +GLADSTONE!" Ho! ho! Then my disguise <i>was</i> perfect. Get myself +up as a Liberal Unionist, with wig and eye-glass. Not likely anybody would recognise +me in <i>that</i> rig.</p> + +<p>Rather enjoyed myself—and my paper, "Phœnician Elements in the Homeric +Poems." Most seductive title! Such a <i>popular</i> touch about +it! Think I shall have it printed as a "leaflet" for distribution among Workmen's +Clubs and Radical Associations. Might conciliate those well-meaning but illogical +Eight-Hour Men. Wonder if KEIRHARDIE would like a copy. What more +nicely calculated to cheer the scant leisure of Labour?</p> + +<p>Funny to hear my own sinuous sentences coming back to me from mouth of another. +Not quite sure MAX is so "fascinating in his voice, and so persuasive +in his delivery" as—but no matter. Can't say—as MAX did—"I felt myself +carried away, and convinced almost against my will." Not at all! Wonder what he +meant by that? Why "against his will"? That's what Liberal Unionists, and other +preposterous and illogical opponents of mine say in House, when they compliment +me on my "eloquence," <i>and then vote against me!</i> Absurd! Wish they'd +drop their compliments and vote straight.</p> + +<p>"Small and exotic contribution" to Oriental Congress! Neat description of paper +running to nearly four +columns of <i>Times</i>. "Intense sentiment of nationality, which led +the Greeks of later days to covet the title of Autochthones." Wonder +if that reminded MAX, or anyone else, of <i>another</i> race with "an +intense sentiment of nationality," and a passionate love of the land +from which they sprang. Wonder whether, if Nationalists were +to call themselves "Auctochthones" instead of Home-Rulers, we +should get along better? Must consult JUSTIN on this point. +Should have to teach some of them to <i>pronounce</i> their new name, +though. "Autochthones," spoken in wrath, with a rich brogue, after +dinner, would, I should think, beat Phillippopolis, or "Ri' l'il, ti' +li'l Isl'l" hollow.</p> + +<p><i>Anax andrōn</i>, too, might be useful. Say, as substitute for that +everlasting G.O.M., of which I admit I'm heartily sick, Lord of +Men! <i>Not</i> King of Men, of course. LABBY might kick at latter. +"Nothing can be simpler than the meaning of the two words." +Exactly. Must get HARCOURT to popularise these. Applied to +AGAMEMNON. Why not to "strong men" who live <i>after</i> AGAMEMNON? +"Evidence from extraneous sources of connection between +title of <i>Anax andrōn</i> and great Egyptian Empire." Aha! I may yet +have to play the <i>Anax andrōn</i> in Egypt as before. Allegory—I mean +<i>Anax andrōn</i> on banks of Nile! Good—and not a Malapropism, +whatever WOLSELEY may say. "Title of <i>Anax andrōn</i> descendible" +(good word, "descendible") "from father to son, and accorded in +the poems to personages altogether secondary, <i>viz.</i>, EUMELOS and +EUPHETES." Wonder what my EUMELOS—HERBERT—will say to that!</p> + +<p>Enjoyed it much whilst MAX was "mouthing out" (as Mrs. +BROWNING says) my eulogy of that man of "Phœnician stamp," +the "universal ODYSSEUS," who expressed the many-sided, the all-accomplished man; +the <i>polutropos</i>, the +<i>polumetis</i>, the <i>tlemon</i>, +the <i>polutlas</i>, the <i>polumekanos</i>, the <i>poikilometis</i>, +the <i>poluphron</i>, +the <i>daïphron</i>, the <i>talasiphron.</i> (What a peck of p's!) In battle +never foiled! In council supreme! His oratory like the snow-flakes of the winter +storm. Superbly representative Phœnician! "But over and above this universality +of ODYSSEUS in the arts of life, he bears the Phœnician stamp +in what may be termed his craft." Aha! The "Old Parliamentary Hand" of his period +plainly. Wonder if MAX thought of <i>that</i>! Hellas and Phœnicia combined! As a +Statesman of classical culture, commercial instincts <i>and</i> craft, +what a shining success ODYSSEUS might have been in these days!</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>He went into the Cyclops' cave</p> +<p class="i2">To see what he could spy out;</p> +<p>He slew his oxen, stole his sheep,</p> +<p class="i2">And then he poked his eye out,</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>as the ribald doggerelist has it. Sounds a little "predatory," perhaps, as SALISBURY +would say. But quite capable of being "spiritualised" into a sound Liberal policy, +directed against the purblind Poluphemos of Property and Privilege.</p> + +<p>On the whole, I had a high old time among +the Orientalists. But when discussion ensued, I longed to throw off +my disguise and rush, Achilles-like, into the fray. But MAX might +have thought that inconsistent with my "colossal humanity;" so, +very unwillingly, I refrained.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>UP ALOFT.—The most elevated title in the Peerage, and belonging +to the upperest part of the Upper House, is "Lord MOUNTGARRET." +There can be but one higher, and that will have to be created in the +person of a future "Lord TOPOCHIMNEPOT." Though, perhaps, the +title of "Lord COWLEY," if it were altered into Lord CHIMNEPOT-COWL-Y, +would be the highest of all.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>ANGLICE-FRENCHIE EXCLAMATION (<i>on any of the recent many +showery days when, after an interval of ten minutes, the next bucketful +descended</i>).—"<i>POUR une autre fois!</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/121.png"><img width="100%" src="images/121.png" alt="NATURE'S SECRETS." /></a><h3>NATURE'S SECRETS.</h3> + +<p>"HERE ARE SOME NEW LAID EGGS FOR YOU, GEORGIE!"</p> + +<p>"OH, THANKS! HOW NICE! I HAVEN'T SEEN A NEW LAID EGG FOR WEEKS! HOW +DO YOU MANAGE TO GET THEM? OH, OF COURSE—YOU'VE GOT <i>AN INCUBATOR</i>!"</p></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> + +<h2>INNS AND OUTS.</h2> + +<h3 class="sc">No. III.—The Porter.</h3> + +<p>I had intended to have written, this week about "Loggosh"—including that mysterious +canvass hand-box which contains all that a foreigner cares to carry about with +him by day, and often pillows him when travelling by night; but the very +mention of luggage brings me back to the Porter. I abominate him. I am "one +who has suffered." So here goes!</p> + +<p>"Imposing," best describes the Hôtel porter; a very Grand Hôtel has at +least two of these impositions—the House Porter and the Omnibus Porter. The +latter you only see twice in your Hôtel existence, but he is the most futile and the +deadliest fraud of the two.</p> + +<p>This Porter is part and +parcel of that horrible deep-red-plush nuisance, the Hôtel-omnibus. He and it +are inseparables, and make up a sort of Centaur between them. Once outside the +Railway-station, I am besieged by a babel of these Porter-omnibuses—"Bear +Hôtel, Sor;" "Grand Hôtel, Sor!"—This, from a very dilapidated specimen, which, +on inspection, turns out to be "Grand Hôtel Du Lac;" a pirate porter-omnibus in +fact; at last I find <i>The</i> Grand Hôtel vehicle, and functionary. The latter is +of gigantic stature; quite a +"chucker-out;" in a uniform between that of a German bandsman +and a Salvation Captain—"Certinly, Sar. Dis Grand Hôtel; I see +your Loggosh, Sar; gif me se empfangschein." "Do you speak +English?" I retort.—"Certinly; spik Ingleese—empfangschein!"—"Empfangschein" +baffles me, and I am about to hand my keys to +the monster, when a good-natured Courier explains that it signifies +the luggage-receipt.</p> + +<p>Away ambles the Porter, leaving me with that orphaned sort of +feeling which a luggageless Englishman experiences; it is pouring +cats and dogs; I am dead beat; I creep into the dark omnibus. I +find myself quite alone. I wait impatiently—a quarter of an hour—twenty-five +minutes—still no Porter; I am famished; to distract +myself, I peer through the door, whence I can discern the messy +vista of the railway-station in the rain; it's lucky I do so; for there +I behold my own portmanteau, with its huge purple stripe, being +hauled away on the back of a railway-man, followed by an alien +Hôtel Porter, <i>not mine</i>, doing nothing: they are always doing +nothing. To rush out indignantly, seize my box, defy the brigands, +and carry it back myself, seemed the work of an instant. Drenched +and gasping, I find myself once more outside; the Porter of the +Grand Hôtel Du Lac is at my heels, furious and impertinent. "Dis, +<i>not</i> your loggosh: other shentleman's loggosh." He seized the portmanteau, +and a struggle would certainly have ensued, when my own +Hôtel Porter appeared on the scene triumphant, with a regiment of +station-men carrying one small tin box. "What you do, Sar; see +<i>here</i>, your loggosh!" The tin box belonged to a commercial-traveller, +who was bound for the Hôtel Du Lac.</p> + +<p>I am too exhausted to curse, and leave the rival Porters to +fight it out themselves, after paying off the ragged regiment of +Station-men. On the drive to the Hôtel, the Porter tries to propitiate me.</p> + +<p>"Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, fetch de loggosh. I tell you, +better leave it to me, Sar. You see, <i>I</i> get your loggosh. Dat bizley +Porter of De Hôtel Du Lac, he change de empfangschein; but I +sweep it from him, and bring to de 'Bus"—"'Bus" was good—and then he laughed!</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/122.png"><img width="100%" src="images/122.png" alt="'Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, retchistar de loggosh.'" /></a>"Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, retchistar de loggosh."</div> + +<p>I never saw the brute again until the time of my departure; +I had taken a carriage to the Station this time, thinking thereby to +avoid the Porter-omnibus. I had registered my traps myself, and +was looking out for some one to carry them to the den in which +you are penned till the train arrives, when, lo! the chucker-out! +smiling and bowing as if he had never seen me before—"Is +better I retchistar de loggosh, Sar; pity shentlemans like you, Sar, +retchistar de loggosh."</p> + +<p>I turn on my heel with +an imprecation which "Ingleese-spikers" understand. But he still waits there, +smiling, and expecting to be tipped, Let him wait. So much for the Omnibus-Porter—at +once the Gamp and Undertaker of my Grand Hôtel existence.</p> + +<p>The House-Porter is of equal size, and equal uselessness. He sits in the +hall, and always rises and salutes when you pass. If you want anything, he +waits till you have got it, and then offers to procure it for you. If you ask to +be called early, he chalks something on a slate, and you are safe not to be disturbed +until you rise in your wrath and ring violently. Should you be in +a town, and wish to secure theatre-tickets, he becomes more active; he implores +you not to resort to "De Boxing Office, vare you pay premiums, you see;" but +he has one or two left for sale. Should you be weak enough to yield, you will +find that the worst seats at the highest prices are yours; and, if you remonstrate +next day, he will sigh wearily, and remark,—"Is acheslant places, Sar; but +was Gala Night, you see,"—an enigma, which those +who run may read. He is always offering to do something, and +doing <i>you</i> instead. He is absolutely unnecessary, for there is +seldom anyone in a Grand Hôtel to "chuck out," and this would +be his only justification.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE "BLOWER" BURST UP!</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The "Blower" came down, like the braggart he was,</p> +<p>And of winning the fight was peculiarly "poz;"</p> +<p>And the voice of his backers was loud in their glee;—</p> +<p>"We shall lick him in two rounds—or certainly three!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Like the "Champion Slugger," in trunks of bright green,</p> +<p>The "Big Fellow" at Eight fifty-two might be seen:</p> +<p>Like a truculent Titan, blind, baffled, and blown,</p> +<p>At Ten thirty-seven the brute was o'erthrown.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For CORBETT smote fiercely, and CORBETT fought fast,</p> +<p>And the bullying bounder was beaten at last;</p> +<p>And the cheeks of the coarse woman-puncher were chill,</p> +<p>He rolled over, and struggled to rise, and lay still.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And there stood his foe with his nostrils all wide,</p> +<p>And the shouts of his backers rolled on in their pride.</p> +<p>The swells of the Ring and the stars of the Turf</p> +<p>Surged round like the waves of the storm-beaten surf.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And there lay the "Blower," distorted and pale,</p> +<p>With the blood on his brow where the blows fell like hail.</p> +<p><i>His</i> backers were silent, he lay there alone,</p> +<p>His mawleys unlifted, his trumpet unblown.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And the "Sports" of the South are all loud in their wail.</p> +<p>But <i>Punch</i>, who hates bullying brutes, can but hail</p> +<p>That smart Californian's pluck, skill, and strength,</p> +<p>Who has pricked the big SULLIVAN bladder—at length!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>"FONS ET ORIGO."—As to London Water "seek Wells," that is +if you wish to avoid unpleasant seq-uels. "<i>Don't</i> leave Wells +alone" is our motto, meaning "Sir SPENCER" of that ilk, who has a +deal worth hearing to say on this subject.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt="TWO SIDES TO A QUESTION." /></a><h3>TWO SIDES TO A QUESTION.</h3> + +<p><i>Major Podmore</i>. "CONGRATULATE YOU, DEAR BOY!"</p> + +<p><i>Disappointed Cricketer</i>. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BOWLED FIRST BALL—NEVER GOT A RUN!"</p> + +<p><i>Major Podmore</i>. "QUITE SO, DEAR BOY. BUT IN THIS HOT WEATHER—80° IN THE +SHADE—SO MUCH BETTER, IF YOU CAN, TO TAKE THINGS COOLLY!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A ROUNDABOUT RAMBLE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Fact Founded on Fiction.</i>)</h4> + +<p>The sharp, bright little Traveller made his way to the Cabinet of +M. CARNOT, and disturbed him at work.</p> + +<p>"Do you know, M. Le Président," said he, "that the Russians +are in secret treaty with the English, and the Russo-French Alliance +is all nonsense—the most unreliable of broken reeds?"</p> + +<p>"Well, no," replied CARNOT, "I have not heard anything of the +sort; and, if anyone should be up in it—"</p> + +<p>But the Traveller did not want to hear the rest, for he was once +again on his road, telling everyone he met the disquieting intelligence, +and, consequently, the French people were greatly troubled.</p> + +<p>He was soon in Berlin. He did not ask for an interview with the KAISER, but took one.</p> + +<p>"Your Royal and Imperial Majesty," said he, "are you aware +that Italy is in secret accord with France, and that the Triple Alliance +is a sham, and that the cry <i>À Berlin!</i> may be renewed at any moment?"</p> + +<p>"Well, no," said the Emperor, "I have not heard this; and if +anyone should know anything about it, I fancy—"</p> + +<p>But the Traveller did not wait for the KAISER to finish the sentence, +but was off again, telling everyone he met the disquieting +intelligence. And, consequently, the German people were greatly troubled.</p> + +<p>Then the Traveller obtained admission, in the same unceremonious +fashion, to the apartment occupied by the Emperor of AUSTRIA.</p> + +<p>"King of HUNGARY," said he, "are you aware that you cannot +possibly rely upon your German neighbour, because the KAISER has +a secret understanding with the CZAR, by which the Principalities +will be included in Russian territory, and the Rhine secured from French invasion?"</p> + +<p>"No, I have not heard it," was the answer; "and, if it had +been the case, I imagine that—"</p> + +<p>But again the Traveller left without waiting for the completion of +the sentence, and went his way telling everyone he met the disquieting +intelligence. And consequently, the Austro-Hungarian peoples were greatly troubled.</p> + +<p>And now the Traveller was in the presence of the Emperor of ALL +THE RUSSIAS. Again he had obtained admission without the preliminary +of an official introduction.</p> + +<p>"Little Father," said the Traveller, "are you aware that your +youthful relative in Berlin is coquetting with France and England, +and you may find the whole of Europe marshalled against you?"</p> + +<p>"Well, no I have not heard it," returned the CZAR; "and I really think—"</p> + +<p>But the Traveller never learned what the CZAR really thought, for +he was away before His Imperial Majesty had completed the sentence. +And as he went away, after his usual fashion, he spread the +disquieting intelligence, and consequently the Russian people were greatly troubled.</p> + +<p>And now the Traveller was in Cairo. He presented himself before +the KHEDIVE without waiting for the English adviser.</p> + +<p>"Your Highness, do you know that the British Army of occupation +is on the eve of departure?" said he.</p> + +<p>"What, in spite of Lord ROSEBERY going to the Foreign Office!" +exclaimed the SULTAN's vassal, in a tone of considerable astonishment.</p> + +<p>"Of course," replied the visitor. "Everything was settled long +ago, and before Christmas there won't be a red-coat in Egypt!"</p> + +<p>"Indeed," returned His Highness, "I certainly have not heard it, and I fancy—"</p> + +<p>But the Traveller departed without ascertaining the drift of the +KHEDIVE's fancies, and on his road, strictly according to precedent, +spread the disquieting intelligence, and consequently the Egyptian +people were greatly troubled.</p> + +<p>And now the Traveller was once more back in London. He entered +Capel Court and rested himself. He said nothing. It was unnecessary, +for he was well known, and his stories had already been discounted.</p> + +<p>"Ah, my little friend RUMOUR," said Mr. BULLBEAR; "you have +come back again! And now you can rest for awhile, until we want +you after the next account."</p> + +<p>So RUMOUR is waiting in the Stock Exchange until he is wanted after the next account!</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page124" id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> + +<h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + +<h3>No. XIV.—TO SWAGGER.</h3> + +<p>I approach you with fear and trembling. Somewhere in the Cave +of the Winds you have your home. The ancient Authors, to their +discredit, make no mention of your existence there, but the fact is +as I have stated it. The East wind blows into your gaping mouth, +and forth you go, puffing and swelling with an alien importance, to +do your hateful work. You hover over a second-rate Statesman, +who has attracted the applause of a Party by an opportune speech, +compiled by the industry of a humble Secretary. From that +moment his nature changes. Though he may have been simple and +beloved, yet, through you, he shall become pompous, and abhorred. +His fellow-creatures are thenceforth mere material for his trampling +feet; he swells into regions to which no criticism can reach; he +covers himself in a triple hide of vanity, ostentation, +and disdain; he hails himself continually +as the unaided Saviour of his country, and +dies in the odour of braggadocio, without a genuine friend to mourn his loss.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:28%;"><a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%" src="images/124.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p>Or, again, you select some common, smug-faced +Clergyman, capable, no doubt, if he were left +alone, of guiding his flock quietly into the strait +paths of goodness and humility. You turn him +into a loud-voiced Clerical quack, vending his +wretched patent medicines of salvation in a +style of offensive denunciation that would have +ruined a host of Dulcamaras, trained in the +insinuating methods of the ordinary trade. But +on this the Clergyman thrives, and weak women +fall prostrate before his roaring insincerity.</p> + +<p>Nor do you neglect the young. Heavens! I +remember I was once favoured with the confidences +of WILLIAM JOSKINS BACON, an Undergraduate, +generally known to his intimates as +"Side of Bacon." I shudder to recollect how +that amazing creature discoursed to me about +his popularity, his influence, his surprising +deeds both of valour and of discretion. With +one nod—and, as he spoke, he gave me an illustration +of his Olympian method—he had awed +his Head-master—a present ornament of the +Bench of Bishops—into a terrified silence, from +which he recovered only to bless the name of +JOSKINS, and hold him up as a pattern to his +schoolfellows. At a single phrase of scorn from +those redoubtable lips, his College Tutor had +withered into acquiescence, and had never dared +to refuse him an <i>exeat</i> from that day forth. "I +can't help pitying the beggar," said JOSKINS—"but +I had to do it. You must make these +fellows feel you're their master, or they'll never +give you a moment's peace. Halloa!" he +continued, as a brawny athlete sauntered into the room, "how's +the boat going, BULLEN? Not very well, eh? Well, remember I'm +ready to lend you a hand, and pull you through when things get +desperate." The smile with which this offer was received had no +effect upon my companion. He took it rather as a tribute to the +subtle humour which, as he believed, lay lurking in his simplest +utterances. "Always make 'em laugh," he observed, with pride. +"It keeps up the spirits of these poor devils of rowing-men; and old +BULLEN knows I'm all there when I'm wanted." But I had heard +enough, and departed from him, feeling as though a steam-roller +had passed over my moral nature, and flattened out my self-respect.</p> + +<p>Then there was CHEPSTOWE, the poet. I am old enough to remember +him; and it pleases me sometimes to call back to my mind +this paltry and forgotten little literary <i>Bombastes</i>. As I write, I +have before me some of the reviews that greeted his boisterous invasion +of the regions of song. "Mr. CHEPSTOWE," said one, "has +struck a note which is destined to vibrate so long as the English +language is spoken in civilised lands. He is no ordinary rhymester, +struggling feebly in the bonds of convention. With a bold and +masterful on-rush, he cleaves his way unhesitatingly to the very +heart of things, tears it out, and lays it, palpitating and bleeding, +before the eyes of humanity. We have only space for a few lines +from the magnificent <i>Ode to Actuality</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"'Prone in the caverns of the vasty deep</p> +<p class="i10">I lay,</p> +<p>And slept not, though I seemed to sleep.</p> +<p class="i10">The day</p> +<p>Pierced not with sullen eyes of pallid scorn</p> +<p class="i10">The dark,</p> +<p>Unplumbed abyss, where, girt with red limbs torn.</p> +<p class="i10">The shark</p> +<p>Sported, and eyeless monsters crawled in slime—'</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"No extract can, however, convey an adequate idea of this grand +poem, on which, as on the bed rock, Mr. CHEPSTOWE's fame is +established for ever, SHAKSPEARE himself might have been proud +to have written it." I may remark, parenthetically, that in +his "Ode" CHEPSTOWE pictured himself as a sort of animate skeleton:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Sockets where light once shone grinned emptiness;</p> +<p class="i10">The teeth</p> +<p>Were fallen from the gaping, gumless jaws; nathless</p> +<p class="i10">Beneath</p> +<p>The cold smooth skull, the brain retained her throne."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Amid these uncomfortable surroundings CHEPSTOWE described +himself as penetrated with raptures of fierce joy at having shaken +himself free from the world and its puling insincerities to dwell +amid "Unpitying shapes of death's dread twin despair," where +"Rapine and slaughter raged, and none rebuked." Another reviewer +observed that "The soul of ARCHER's, +the tavern-brawler's glorious victim, KIT MARLOWE, +has taken again a habitation of clay. +She speaks trumpet-tongued by the mouth of +Mr. CHEPSTOWE. We note in these outpourings +of dramatic passion an audacity, an energy, +an enthusiasm, that are calculated to shake +Peckham Rye to its centre, and make Balham +tremble in its ridiculous carpet slippers. Who—to +take only one example—but Mr. CHEPSTOWE or MARLOWE could have written thus +of 'Rapture'?—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>'Not in the mouths of prating men who deem</p> +<p>That God dwells in the senseless clay they mould,</p> +<p>Who live their little lives and die their deaths,</p> +<p>Lapped in a smug respectability;</p> +<p>Who never dreamt of breaking puny laws</p> +<p>Formed for a puny race of grovellers;</p> +<p>But in the blood-stained track of flaming swords,</p> +<p>Wielded by knotty arms in Man's despite,</p> +<p>Or on the wings of crashing battle-balls,</p> +<p>Bone-shattering dealers of a thousand wounds,</p> +<p>The roaring heralds of indignant God,</p> +<p>There rapture dwells, and there I too would dwell.'</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>"Here is power that would furnish forth a whole +legion of the poetasters who crawl through our +effete literature!" But I cannot pursue these +memories. They are too painful. For who +speaks of CHEPSTOWE now? Who cares to +cumber his bookshelves with the volumes in +which this inflated arm-chair prophet of the +tin pots delivered his shrieking message? His +very name has flickered out; and when I spoke +of him the other day, I was asked, by a person +of some intelligence, if I referred to CHEPSTOWE +who had just made 166 playing cricket for the +Gentlemen against the Players. Not even the +lion and the lizard keep his courts, and yet +JAMSHYD CHEPSTOWE gloried and drank deep in his day. He blustered +through many editions, he bellowed his contempt at a shrinking +world, he outraged conventionality, he swung himself by the aid of +newly-fashioned metres to lofty peaks of poetic daring, and to-day +the dust lies thick upon his books, and his name is confounded with +that of an eminent cricket-player!</p> + +<p>My excellent SWAGGER, it was meanly done. If you meant to +wipe him out so swiftly, why did you ever exalt him?</p> + +<p>Farewell for a space. I may have to write to you again.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"USED UP."—Lord BRASSEY requested several papers last week +to publish his denial as to having the finest collection of stamps in +the world. His Lordship, it appears, "doesn't take the smallest interest +in foreign stamps." Fortunate for Lord BRASSEY. There are +some excellent people who can't get up any interest, or capital either, +at all without a stamp of some sort. Lord BRASSEY wished it further +known, that he was not a collector of curios, and had no curiosity of +any kind. Lord BRASSEY must be a later edition of <i>L'Homme Blasé</i>, +to whom the world was round like an indiarubber-ball and "nothing in it."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"IN NUBIBUS."—If the new Sky-signs with which we are threatened, +<i>viz.</i>, advertisements reflected in the clouds, become the fashion, +the aspect of the heavens by daylight will be as delightful and +artistic as are the walls of our hoardings and Railway-stations. +The anthem of "<i>The Heavens are Telling</i>" will have to be adapted +for large towns. Perhaps pictures may be projected on the nebulous +back-ground. If so, some of our best Artists may not object to +taking a good sum, and then having their work "Sky'd."</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> + +<h2>PHANTASMA-GORE-IA!</h2> + +<h4><i>Picturing the Various Modes of Melodramatic Murder</i>. (<i>By Our "Off-his"-Head Poet</i>.)</h4> + +<h3>No. I.—THE DAGGER MURDER.</h3> + +<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/125-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125-1.png" alt="The Dagger Murder." /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>They stand alone on the moonlit spot,—</p> +<p class="i2">Sing Ho—ho! and Ha—ha! there!</p> +<p>One is the villain, and one is not,</p> +<p class="i2">But the heroine's father.</p> +<p>They stand alone on the patch of light</p> +<p>(Which comes from the left as well as right)—</p> +<p>Oh, 'tis a glorious place and night</p> +<p class="i2">For a Murder Scene! Rather!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They talk of deeds (of the parchment kind)—</p> +<p class="i2">Sing Ha—ha! and Ho-ho! there!</p> +<p>The heavy father, to reason blind,</p> +<p class="i2">Has them with him to show there!</p> +<p>The deeds relate to the old man's will;</p> +<p>The villain wants them to pay a bill!</p> +<p>The night is cold, and the night is still</p> +<p class="i2">Let the music be slow there!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They stand alone in the pale-green light—</p> +<p class="i2">Sing Hey—hey! and he—he! there!</p> +<p>What is this flashing so keen and bright?</p> +<p class="i2">What is this that I see there?</p> +<p>Oh! deed of darkness in light descried!</p> +<p>Oh! villain thrice damn'd that blade to hide,</p> +<p>Right 'tween the arm on <i>the farther</i> side—</p> +<p class="i2">Certain death when it be there!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They're still alone on the moonlit spot—</p> +<p class="i2">Sing He—he! and Hey—hey! there!</p> +<p>Though one is Standing,<a id="footnotetag1" name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a> and one is not,</p> +<p class="i2">For <i>one's</i> cold as the clay there!</p> +<p>The villain covers the dead man's stare—</p> +<p>The corpse lies stiff in the limelight's glare!</p> +<p>The act is done!—and for all I care,</p> +<p class="i2">The dead body can stay there!</p> + </div> </div> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b><a href="#footnotetag1"> (return) </a><p>HERBERT.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO MY LUGGAGE-LABELS.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Wonderful pictures of purple and gold,</p> +<p class="i2">Ultramarine, and vermilion, and bistre;</p> +<p>Splendid inscriptions of hostels untold,</p> +<p class="i2">Touching memorials breathing of "Mr.;"</p> +<p>"Schweizerhof," "Bernerhof," "Hofs" by the score;</p> +<p class="i2">Signs of the Bear and the Swan, and the Bellevue,</p> +<p>Gasthaus, Albergo, Posada, galore—</p> +<p class="i2">Beautiful wrecks, how I wish I could shelve you!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Visions of Venice—her stones and her smells!</p> +<p class="i2">Whiffs of Cologne—aromatic mementos;</p> +<p>Visiting cards, so to speak, of hotels;</p> +<p class="i2">Como's, Granada's, Zermatt's and Sorrento's</p> +<p>Ah! how ye cling to my boxes and bags,</p> +<p class="i2">Glued with a pigment that baffles removal;</p> +<p>Dogged adherents in dirt and in rags;</p> +<p class="i2">Labels, receive my profane disapproval!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Much as I prized you, when roaming afield,</p> +<p class="i2">Loved you, when Life was metheglyn and skittles,</p> +<p>Wished you the spell of remembrance to wield,</p> +<p class="i2">Calling the scenery back and the victuals;</p> +<p>Still, when it blows and it rains, and it irks,</p> +<p class="i2">Here in apartments adjoining a seaview,</p> +<p>After a meal that would terrify Turks,</p> +<p class="i2">Somehow I feel I can scarcely believe you.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes! It's too much to remember the past—</p> +<p class="i2">Here, amid shrimps, and agilities nameless;</p> +<p>Glaciers gigantic, and Restaurants vast</p> +<p class="i2">Chime not with sands and a tablecloth shameless;</p> +<p>Smoking a pestilent, sea-side cigar,</p> +<p class="i2">Mewed in a lodging with children and nurses,</p> +<p>Epitaphs gorgeous of far "<i>Dolce far</i>,"</p> +<p class="i2">Curse you with paterfamiliar curses!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE UGLY FACE: A MORAL DUTY</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:20%;"><a href="images/125-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125-2.png" alt="'A ready-made Comedian with fifty quid a week.'" /></a>"A ready-made Comedian with fifty quid a week."</div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Some years ago a babe was born—I need not name the place—</p> +<p>With a puffy, pasty, podgy, gutta-percha sort of face,</p> +<p>Which wrinkles sub-divided into funny little bits,</p> +<p>While beady eyes peered cunningly behind two tiny slits.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His nose was like a mushroom of the foreign button sort,</p> +<p>His form was quaint and chubby, and his legs were extra short;</p> +<p>That his nurse spoke like SAPPHIRA, I have always had a fear,</p> +<p>When she said he was a "beauty," and a "pretty little dear."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes, such remarks were really of the truth, a dreadful stretch,</p> +<p>For, in point of fact, that baby was a hideous little wretch;</p> +<p>And in course of time he grew up—though a loving mother's joy—</p> +<p>Into quite a champion specimen of the genius "ugly boy."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>At school his teasing comrades gave him many comic names,</p> +<p>And he became the victim of all sorts of naughty games;</p> +<p>Nor did the master like him, for he felt that such a face,</p> +<p>Mid a row of ruddy youngsters, was extremely out of place.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In time, his father placed him in the City—as a clerk—</p> +<p>Where his personal appearance excited much remark;</p> +<p>But he fell out with his principal, whose customers complained,</p> +<p>That his clerk was making faces, and said "Bosh!" when he explained.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>On perceiving from the office that he never would be missed,</p> +<p>As Mr. GILBERT puts it, he determined to enlist;</p> +<p>And so one summer afternoon he started forth in search</p> +<p>Of a Sergeant who perambulates close by St. Martin's Church.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Sergeant burst out laughing when he'd uttered his request,</p> +<p>And declared that, of a batch of jokes he knew, this was the best;</p> +<p>"'Tis a pity you're too short, my lad," he then went on to say,</p> +<p>"For wid <i>that</i> face ye'd froighten ivery inimy away!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In a fountain which played handy—it was near Trafalgar Square—</p> +<p>He was rushing off to drown himself, the victim of despair,</p> +<p>When he knocked against a person he'd not seen for quite an age,</p> +<p>Who had left his home some years before, and gone upon the Stage.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>To this friend he soon narrated his distressing tale of woe,</p> +<p>And declared his case was hopeless. But the actor said, "Not so.</p> +<p>There's <i>one</i> thing, my fine fellow, that as yet you haven't tried,</p> +<p>Where your face will be your fortune, and a pound or two beside.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"With a mouth like yours to grin with, and your too delicious squint,</p> +<p>And the ears that Nature's given you with such a lack of stint,—</p> +<p>No matter what an author may provide you with to speak,</p> +<p>You're a ready-made Comedian—with your fifty quid a week."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And it was so. Though he started at a figure rather less</p> +<p>Than the one that I have mentioned, still the truth I but express</p> +<p>When I say he now is earning such a wage as wouldn't shock</p> +<p>A respectable Archbishop or a fashionable jock.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And the face that all men sneered at, now is very much admired,</p> +<p>And the public ne'er, apparently, of watching it grows tired,</p> +<p>And the Merchant who dismissed him, in the Stalls is wont to sit,</p> +<p>While the Sergeant and his sweetheart are applauding from the Pit.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The moral of my narrative is easy to espy.</p> +<p>But still I'd better mention it, lest some should pass it by:</p> +<p>"Though it's often very troublesome indeed to find it out—</p> +<p>There's a proper sphere for <i>everyone</i>, beyond the slightest doubt."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt="TECHNICALITIES." /></a><h3>TECHNICALITIES.</h3> + +<p><i>First Amateur Water-Colourist.</i> "DO YOU <i>WASH</i> MUCH?"</p> + +<p><i>Second Ditto Ditto</i>. "NO; I <i>SCRATCH</i> A GOOD DEAL!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"PUTTING ON THE HUG."</h2> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +[During President CARNOT's tour he received at +Aix-les-Bains "a delegation of children." One +of these, clad in a Russian dress, offered him a +bunch of flowers, repeating a stanza written for +the occasion. M. CARNOT, amid cries of "<i>Vive la +France!</i>" "<i>Vive la Russie!</i>" "<i>Vive Carnot!</i>" +"<i>Vive la République!</i>" kissed the little girl, +saying, "<i>J'embrasse la Russie!</i>"] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes—"<i>Vive la France!</i>"—and "<i>Vive la Russie!</i>" too.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Vive</i>—why not?—everybody!</p> +<p>Called once, "<i>Monsieur le Président Faute-de-Mieux</i>"<a id="footnotetag2" name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p> +<p class="i2">(By <i>Punch</i>, that foe of shoddy).</p> +<p>I fancy I have justified the name,</p> +<p class="i2">Ay, to the very letter.</p> +<p>I may not be a THIERS, but all the same,</p> +<p class="i2">France has not found a better.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Tall-talk is tedious, but one must not flinch</p> +<p class="i2">When asked the task to tackle;</p> +<p>And he's no Frenchman true who, at a pinch,</p> +<p class="i2">Cannot both crow and cackle.</p> +<p>Ah, <i>Vive</i>, once more, the Gallic Cock—and hen!</p> +<p class="i2">These Talking-Tours are trying,</p> +<p>But 'tis with windy flouts of tongue or pen,</p> +<p class="i2">We keep the French flag flying.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A sop for SAVOY neatly put, elicits</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Such</i> "double rounds of cheering."</p> +<p>"<i>Vive CARNOT!</i>" To be sure! My annual visits,</p> +<p class="i2">France to the Flag endearing</p> +<p>By sweet-phrased flattery of the Fatherland,</p> +<p class="i2">Are sure to swell our legions.</p> +<p>"I wish, France, to be <i>thine</i>!" The effect was grand,</p> +<p class="i2">In "Allobrogian" regions.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Vive</i> Everything—especially <i>la Blague!</i></p> +<p class="i2">(What <i>should</i> we do without it?)</p> +<p>Fraternity! the Fatherland! the Flag!—</p> +<p class="i2"><i>I</i> work them—never doubt it!</p> +<p>Then "<i>La République</i>" and "<i>La Russie</i>," linked,</p> +<p class="i2">Pair off, 'midst acclamations:</p> +<p>Yes, I proclaimed—and never winced or winked—</p> +<p class="i2"><i>That</i> "brotherhood of nations!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"A delegation of young children," Ah!</p> +<p class="i2">And they were not the only ones.</p> +<p>"Men are but children of a larger—" Bah!</p> +<p class="i2">Wise and strong <i>men</i> are—lonely ones.</p> +<p>Most men—French-men—have touches of the child,</p> +<p class="i2">Fondness for show, fine phrases—</p> +<p>Pst! Here my <i>rôle</i>'s not cynical, but mild,</p> +<p class="i2">And open as dawn-daisies.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"<i>J'embrasse la Russie!</i>" That was rather neat</p> +<p class="i2">For "<i>Faute-de-Mieux</i>," at any rate.</p> +<p>Wondrous the magic power of <i>blague</i>, and "bleat"</p> +<p class="i2">On Man—<i>mouton</i> degenerate!</p> +<p>That "<i>Bête Humaine</i>," as ZOLA dubs him. Gr—r—r!</p> +<p class="i2">The real brutes are braver;</p> +<p>The tiger, when in chase of prey, won't purr,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor will the Bear, then, slaver.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Bear! Reminds me of a horrid dream</p> +<p class="i2">I had that night. A funny one,</p> +<p>But startling! I awoke with such a scream!</p> +<p class="i2">I dreamt some link (a money one?)</p> +<p>Bound me to a big Bruin, rampant, tall,</p> +<p class="i2">A regular Russian Shagbag,</p> +<p>In whose close hug I felt extremely small,</p> +<p class="i2">And squeezable as a rag-bag.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I, CARNOT, squeezable! 'Tis too absurd!</p> +<p class="i2">A President, and pliant!</p> +<p>But—in my dream—the raucous voice I heard</p> +<p class="i2">Of that grim ursine giant.</p> +<p>"Come to my arms! You'll find them strong and snug.</p> +<p class="i2">The North's <i>so</i> true—and tender!"—</p> +<p>And then that monster huge put on the hug!</p> +<p class="i2">I thought my soul I'd render.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A bear's embrace, like a prize-fighter's grip,</p> +<p class="i2">Is close as passion's clasping.</p> +<p>"Welcome!" he grunted. "<i>I</i>'ll not let you slip!"</p> +<p class="i2">"Thanks! thanks!" I answered, gasping.</p> +<p>"<i>J'em—brasse—la—Rus—sie!</i>" Here my breath quite failed</p> +<p class="i2">In that prodigious cuddle.</p> +<p>'Twas but a dream—How was it sleep prevailed</p> +<p class="i2">My meaning so to muddle?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"<i>J'embrasse la Russie!</i>" It was neatly phrased</p> +<p class="i2">As MOHRENHEIM admitted,</p> +<p>A President, in doggerel stanzas praised,</p> +<p class="i2">Must be so ready-witted,</p> +<p>Yet mild Republican and Autocrat,</p> +<p class="i2">Hugging in friendly seeming,</p> +<p>Suggest that <i>Someone</i> may be cuddled <i>flat</i>—</p> +<p class="i2">At least in restless dreaming.</p> + </div> </div> + +<blockquote class="footnote"><a id="footnote2" name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b><a href="#footnotetag2"> (return) </a><p>See Cut so named, p. 279, Vol. 93, Dec. 17, 1887.</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h3>From the Vale of Llangolflyn.</h3> + +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I have just seen your +Number with the Song of "The Golf Enthusiast." It occurs to me that no one has +ever mentioned the fact that the Romans +knew the game, for does not VIRGIL sing, +"<i>Tee veniente die—Tee decedente canebat?</i>" +I have not the book, and therefore can't give +you the reference—but I know I am right, as I am </p> + +<p class="author">A WELSH GOLFER.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" src="images/127.png" alt="'PUTTING ON THE HUG!'" /></a><h3>"PUTTING ON THE HUG!"</h3> + +M. LE PRÉSIDENT (<i>breathlessly</i>). "J'EM—BRASSE—LA RUSSIE!!" + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["An interesting incident occurred during the official reception held by M. CARNOT +at the Mairie. A child dressed in the Russian national costume +presented the President with a bouquet, at the same time reciting a brief +complimentary speech. M. CARNOT smilingly embraced the child, saying, 'I +embrace Russia.'"—<i>Quoted from Daily Papers</i>.] +</p></blockquote></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> + +<h2>WHY YOUNG MEN DON'T MARRY.</h2> + +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The reason is obvious. It is entirely owing to your advice +to those about to marry—Don't! I myself have been on the brink of proposing +to several thousand delightful girls, a large per centage of which, I am +convinced, would have gladly accepted me. I have in every case been +restrained by the recollection of your advice.—Your obedient and obliged Servant,</p> + +<p class="author">HUGH ADOLPHUS LATCH-KEY.</p> + +<p><i>Sept</i>. 5, 1892.</p> + +<p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The reason (which I confide to your ear, and yours alone) +is obvious—the girls don't, +and apparently <i>won't</i> propose. +Of course they ought—what else do we have Leap Year for? Take my +own case. I am genuinely in love with ETHEL TRINKERTON, who has just been +staying with us in the country for three weeks. She has paid me every kind +of attention. In our neighbourhood, if A. carries B.'s umbrella, where A. and B. +are of opposite sexes, it is regarded as an informal, though perfectly definite +way of announcing an approaching engagement. She knew the custom, and <i>carried +mine on no less than three occasions</i>. (It is entirely beside the point +that it rained heavily each time.) Yet she left us yesterday without an approach +to a proposal. She's fair enough herself, but is her conduct? It isn't +as if I hadn't given her enough chances. It cost me a small fortune +to bribe my small brother to keep away; and, time after time, I've +consented to sit alone with her in the summer-house. It isn't as if +she couldn't afford it. They tell me she has at least a thousand +a-year in her own right (whatever that may be), which would do +capitally. I happen to be penniless myself; but, as I heard her +say, her idea of marriage was the union of "soul to soul," my +want of a few paltry pence could hardly matter. It's particularly +humiliating for me, as, after the repeated umbrella-carrying, +everybody here thinks it's all settled. That, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, is the +reason why, at any rate, <i>one</i> young man doesn't marry.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours, thoroughly aggrieved,<br /> +BERTIE COOL-CHEEK,</p> + +<p><i>Pickleton-in-the-Marsh, Kent</i>.</p> + +<p>P.S.—If ETHEL really didn't understand her position, and would +like to reopen the matter, I would not be haughty about it.—B. C-C.</p> + +<p>DEAR, KIND, GOOD MR. PUNCH,—The reason is obvious—the men +don't and won't propose to the right girls. Take my own case. I've +just stayed three weeks with the COOL-CHEEKS, and felt quite certain +BERTIE would have proposed. He had all the symptoms badly. I +saw him give his little brother half-a-crown to go indoors for ten +minutes, and the way he <i>would</i> go in the summer-house and for long +walks—with <i>me</i>—made it quite clear (as I thought) what was going +to happen. Yet, he let me come away without a word! I'm sure <i>I</i> +don't want to run after him (or anybody else), but I <i>did</i> think he +meant something. We suited one another admirably. In fact, if he +doesn't ask <i>me</i> with all the opportunities he had, he'd ask no one.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours, just-a-little-disappointed,<br /> +ETHEL TRINKERTON,</p> + +<p><i>The Thorns, Bayswater.</i></p> + +<p>P.S.—He carried my umbrella almost hourly—and you know what +<i>that</i> means. If BERTIE was only nervous, and would like another +chance—well, we are always at home on Sunday afternoons.—E.T.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" src="images/129.png" alt="A REAL CONVERT." /></a><h3>A REAL CONVERT.</h3> + +<p><i>Local Preacher</i> (<i>giving an account to the Vicar of the Parish of a dispute he has +had with the Leading Lights of his Sect</i>). "YES, SIR, AFTER TREATMENT THE LIKES +O' THAT, I SAYS TO 'EM, 'FOR THE FUTURE,' SAYS I, 'I CHUCKS UP ALL RELIGION, +AND I GOES TO CHURCH!'"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A HINT TO EDITORS.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +SCENE—<i>The Sanctum of a Newspaper Office.</i> Editor +<i>discovered (by</i> Obtrusive Visitor) <i>hard at work.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="drama"> +<p><i>Obtrusive Visitor</i>. I trust that I have not come at an unfortunate moment?</p> + +<p><i>Editor</i> (<i>looking up from his desk</i>). Dear me! You here! Delighted to see you. +But don't let me disturb you. Good-bye!</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> (<i>seating himself</i>). No; I am afraid it is the other way. I know +at this time of the week you must be exceptionally busy.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>with courteous impatience</i>). Not at all, but—</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Oh! thank you so much. Because it is the very last thing in the +world I would like to do—to disturb you. And now, how are you?</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Quite well, thanks. But now, if you don't mind, I will just finish.</p> +</div> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Turns to go on with his article.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="drama"> +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> (<i>rejecting the hint</i>). I said to myself as I came along, Now I will +look him up.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Very kind of you, but—</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Oh, not in the least; and you know, my dear fellow, how I enjoy a +chat.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Yes,—and I, too. But just now—</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Quite so. You want me to do all the talking, as we haven't met +for the last three weeks. Well, you must know we have been to Herne Bay, and—</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Yes; charming place. But just now I am—</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Quite so. But I didn't come to tell you about Herne +Bay, although it is really a delightful spot. The air—</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Yes, I know all about it. First-rate, most salubrious, and +the rest of it. But, my dear friend, you really must—</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Quite so! Yes, everyone knows all about Herne Bay; +and I really came to ask you if you had any room for an article.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>roused</i>). My dear fellow, I assure you we are quite full for +months. Any number of excellent things standing over.</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Oh, yes, I know you are always full. You told me so +the last time I called.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Quite so! Very sorry, but it can't be helped. Have to look +so far ahead nowadays, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> Certainly; and that is why I thought I would just bring +a half-finished article and show you what I had dome, and complete +it if you thought it would do. You can put it in whenever you like; +so it would not hurt for standing over.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>with inspiration</i>). What is it called?</p> + +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> "Russian Wheat and Chinese Tea or Free Trade in +Australia." The subject is quite novel, and ought to attract considerable attention.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Novel! Why, my dear fellow, I do believe I have an article +somewhere in that heap upon the very subject.</p> +</div> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Pretends to search pile of MS.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="drama"> +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> (<i>uneasily</i>). Oh, never mind. I will read you what I have +written, and—</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> (<i>genially</i>). Oh, no, I won't give you the trouble. I will read +you what <i>he</i> has written, and then you can see.—Ah, here it is!</p> +</div> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Produces enormous pile of MS.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="drama"> +<p><i>Ob. Vis.</i> (<i>hesitating</i>). Well, perhaps, if you don't mind—</p> +</div> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>Suddenly remembers +an appointment and exit.</i> Editor <i>resumes +hit work with an air of triumph. Curtain.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<center>THE THIEF'S MOTTO.—"Take things quietly."</center> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/130-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/130-1.png" alt="" /></a><p><i>Jones</i>. "HOW IS IT WE SEE YOU SO SELDOM AT THE CLUB NOW?"</p> + +<p><i>Old Member</i>. "AH, WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT SO YOUNG AS I WAS; AND I'VE HAD A GOOD +DEAL OF WORRY LATELY; AND SO, WHAT WITH ONE THING AND ANOTHER, I'VE GROWN RATHER FOND +OF MY OWN SOCIETY."</p> + +<p><i>Jones</i>. "EPICURE!"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO A PHEASANT.</h2> + +<h3 class="sc">A Sportsmanlike(?) Song for September.</h3> + +<center>AIR—"<i>You are Queen of my Heart To-night</i>."</center> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I Stand in the copses sighing</p> +<p class="i4">As the cruel hours creep by,</p> +<p class="i2">And I see you slowly flying</p> +<p class="i4">Above the trees on high.</p> +<p class="i2">Your wondrous wealth, of feather</p> +<p class="i4">Has weaved a subtle spell,</p> +<p class="i2">And I softly wonder whether</p> +<p class="i4">You'd really taste as well.</p> +<p class="i2">For my hand is fairly steady</p> +<p class="i4">Though my heart is beating fast,</p> +<p class="i2">Oh, tell me that you too are ready</p> +<p class="i4">To make this hour your last.</p> +<p>For repentance may come when we're sober,</p> +<p class="i2">Let's seize on the chance while we may;</p> +<p>Then why should we wait till October?</p> +<p class="i2">Oh! Why not be shot to-day?</p> +<p class="i2">Oh! tell me why, why should I remember</p> +<p class="i4">With a thought of wild alarm,</p> +<p class="i2">That all through the month of sweet September</p> +<p class="i4">You should be free from harm.</p> +<p class="i2">Why, why does your beauty enslave me,</p> +<p class="i4">As it does, you're bound to allow</p> +<p class="i2">Oh! say but the word that will save me,</p> +<p class="i4">And tell me to shoot you now.</p> +<p class="i2">For my heart is wildly beating</p> +<p class="i4">(As it's often done before),</p> +<p class="i2">And the moments madly fleeting</p> +<p class="i4">Are going to come never more.</p> +<p>For repentance may come when we're sober,</p> +<p class="i2">Let's seize on the chance while we may,</p> +<p>Then why should we wait till October?</p> +<p class="i2">Oh! Why not be shot to-day?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"THE GRATUITOUS OPINION."</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Story for the Long Vacation</i>.)</h4> + +<p>The Eminent Lawyer was about to return to his private address, +when there was a knock at the door of his Chambers. He attended to +the summons himself, and found facing him an elderly and carefully +dressed individual.</p> + +<p>"That some of my suburban neighbours desire the information, +must be my excuse for troubling you," said the visitor.</p> + +<p>"Nay, do not apologise," returned the Eminent Q.C., "it is my +pleasantest duty to give legal tips or applications to anybody. It is +not altogether lucrative, as I deliver them for nothing, but then on +the other hand, they are suitable for insertion in the papers, and +that is a comforting consideration. What can I do for you?"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/130-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/130-2.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p>"I have to ask you on behalf of my suburban neighbours," continued +the visitor, "whether there +is any principle which is accepted by +Judges to regulate their decisions in +cases where drunkenness seems to be the incentive of crime?"</p> + +<p>"I shall only be too glad to find +a solution to a problem which appears one of great difficulty—the +more especially as certain inhabitants of the suburbs are so deeply +interested in the subject. It seems to me that some Judges think one +way and some another."</p> + +<p>"That is strange," murmured the visitor. "Cannot their Lordships +come to a common conclusion?"</p> + +<p>"I fear not," replied the Eminent +Counsel, with a mournful smile. "It is merely a question of opinion. +However, I take it that one +would be perfectly safe to commit a murder under the influence of +<i>delirium tremens</i>."</p> + +<p>"I am infinitely obliged to you for the information," said the +visitor, "as now I know what to do."</p> + +<p>"You are not homicidal, I trust!" exclaimed the Lawyer, jumping +up from his chair, and taking protection behind a desk. +"I have the greatest possible objection to homicidal clients."</p> + +<p>"Be under no apprehension," was the reply. "I have a strong +desire to shorten the life of a certain person, but have not the nerve +to do it. If I ever succeed, will it be a case deserving capital punishment?"</p> + +<p>The Lawyer pondered a moment, and then replied. +"I have no wish to offer my counsel; but, as you have exhausted +my time for consideration, I would propose that you should try the +matter for yourself. Become intoxicated, put yourself within the +clutches of the law, and then see whether his Lordship will assume the black cap."</p> + +<p>"You are very good," returned the would-be homicide, "but I have +one difficulty. When I make up my mind to remove a person by +unconventional means (for choice, a carving-knife), and consume the +necessary amount of alcohol to insure intoxication—"</p> + +<p>"Yes," interjected the Lawyer, who had now opened the outer door.</p> + +<p>"I find, on reaching intoxication, that I have entirely forgotten the +identity of the man I have marked for my victim. Then I have got to +grow sober before I can remember who it is. Annoying, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>And, wishing the Eminent Counsel +a pleasant holiday, the visitor disappeared into the Inner Temple.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/131.png"><img width="100%" src="images/131.png" alt="AT THE SOUTH SEA-SIDE." /></a><h3>AT THE SOUTH SEA-SIDE.</h3></div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page132" id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> + +<h2>THE HAT TO THE PARASOL.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Scherzo in Nobs and Sticks.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="figright" style="width:55%;"><a href="images/132-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/132-1.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Reflection polished of highbred</p> +<p class="i2">And unreflecting graces,</p> +<p>I scintillate o'er STREPHON's head</p> +<p class="i2">At gala, rout or races;</p> +<p>Mine is the black but comely blend,</p> +<p class="i2">And mine the crowning touches</p> +<p>That so demurely recommend</p> +<p class="i2">The dandy to the duchess.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Out on thee, cruel Parasol,</p> +<p class="i2">Of lace, the pearl, and satin;</p> +<p>And glinting like a fairy doll</p> +<p class="i2">With many a burnished patin;</p> +<p>Cool, charming as the dainty dame</p> +<p class="i2">Who twirls thy coromandel;</p> +<p>Thou flauntest proudly since thy name,</p> +<p class="i2">Like hers, can boast its handle!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The cynosure of wondering <i>beaux</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">I boast a soul above thee;</p> +<p>No fate can mar my calm repose,</p> +<p class="i2">Or make me cease to love thee;</p> +<p>Supreme above the common tile,</p> +<p class="i2">My own affronts unheeding,</p> +<p>I bow and compliment and smile,</p> +<p class="i2">The Chesterfield of breeding.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Out on thee, trinket idly swayed!</p> +<p class="i2">Could any courtier dare see,</p> +<p>Through such perfections so displayed,</p> +<p class="i2">The mere "<i>Belle Dame sans merci</i>"?</p> +<p>Could man believe a thing so soft,</p> +<p class="i2">So framed for gentle passion,</p> +<p>Might wound, and wound not once but oft</p> +<p class="i2">The jaunty glass of fashion?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet sooth it is; and here I stand</p> +<p class="i2">A martyr to my tenets—</p> +<p>That orthodoxy smooth and grand</p> +<p class="i2">Of LINCOLN's fane and BENNETT's;</p> +<p>Unruffled once and unperplexed,</p> +<p class="i2">Collapsing now like jelly,</p> +<p>And but a sermon on the text</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Sic transit lux capelli</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I who have braved our fitful climes</p> +<p class="i2">And laughed when tempest drenches,</p> +<p>And shaken off the dust that grimes</p> +<p class="i2">Pews, cushioned stalls and benches,</p> +<p>Survived the counterblasting Row,</p> +<p class="i2">And Summer gales that roar so—</p> +<p>I ne'er imagined such a foe</p> +<p class="i2">Could trounce me to a torso.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE POTATO AND THE HEPTARCHY.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Sensible Song for the Silly Season.</i>)</h4> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +["Even the Potato and the Heptarchy will not +leave us perfectly equipped."—<i>The Daily News +on "Why Young Men Don't Marry."</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Tater and the Heptarchy</p> +<p class="i2">Were walking hand-in-hand;</p> +<p>They wept like "first-night" Stalls to see</p> +<p class="i2">The folly of the land;</p> +<p>"If fools would not talk fiddlededee,"</p> +<p class="i2">They said "it <i>would</i> be grand!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"If modest maids with towzled mops</p> +<p class="i2">On <i>you</i> and <i>me</i> were clear,</p> +<p>Do you suppose," the Tater said,</p> +<p class="i2">"More men would wed each year?"</p> +<p>"I doubt it," said the Heptarchy—</p> +<p class="i2">"They only mean to sneer!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"'O Maidens, come and cook for us!'</p> +<p class="i2">They—shamming love—beseech.</p> +<p>'Oh, tell us about Saxon times!</p> +<p class="i2">The course of history teach!'</p> +<p>But what they really want is 'tin;'</p> +<p class="i2">A thumping share for each.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"A girl may cook like any <i>chef</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">And know all HALLAM through,</p> +<p>May be a dab at darning socks,</p> +<p class="i2">Or making Irish stew;</p> +<p>But what young cubs care for is cash,</p> +<p class="i2">And not for me <i>or</i> you.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"They want to lead an easy life,</p> +<p class="i2">And have good weeds and wine.</p> +<p>Without these luxuries, a wife</p> +<p class="i2">They scornfully decline.</p> +<p>For <i>Benedick's</i> life of manly strife</p> +<p class="i2">The fops are far too fine."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"The Season's come," the Tater said,</p> +<p class="i2">"To write of many things:</p> +<p>Of frocks—and socks—and needle-work—</p> +<p class="i2">And babes—and bonnet-strings;</p> +<p>But all the lot talk utter rot.</p> +<p class="i2">Let the fools have their flings!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Their jibes at girls, their games, their curls,</p> +<p class="i2">Their wastefulness, their waist,</p> +<p>Their yearnings to hook Dukes and Earls,</p> +<p class="i2">Their matrimonial haste,</p> +<p>Are the crude chat of cubs and churls,</p> +<p class="i2">And in the vilest taste.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"But when they prate of you and me,</p> +<p class="i2">As the two gifts <i>they</i> want,</p> +<p>Say Classic lore and Cookery</p> +<p class="i2">Are things for which <i>they</i> pant;</p> +<p>Believe me, my dear Heptarchy,</p> +<p class="i2">They plumb profoundest Cant!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>SEA-SIDE ILLS.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Our Man Over-bored.</i>)</h4> + +<h3>SEA-SIDYLL—THE PIER BAND.</h3> + +<div class="figright" style="width:33%;"><a href="images/132-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/132-2.png" alt="" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis the Band of the Corporation—</p> +<p>And it plays on that body's pier;</p> +<p class="i2">And one knows by the way</p> +<p class="i2">That the instruments play,</p> +<p>That the talent is not too dear.</p> +<p>And the trombone is not too clear;</p> +<p class="i2">When it has to play quick</p> +<p class="i2">It is moistful and thick,</p> +<p>For the trombone is fond of beer—</p> +<p>It is nurtured on pots of beer.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis the Band of the Corporation—</p> +<p>And the cornet is fat just here;</p> +<p class="i2">And he's short, and bull-necked.</p> +<p class="i2">When you come to reflect</p> +<p>How he wastes all his wind, 'tis queer</p> +<p>That the man should be stout just here!</p> +<p class="i2">But the noise of the throat</p> +<p class="i2">In the solos denote</p> +<p>That the cornet is fond of beer—</p> +<p>It's been brought up on pots of beer.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis the Band of the Corporation—</p> +<p>And I know why that Band is queer,</p> +<p class="i2">For I see in the face</p> +<p class="i2">Of the trombone a trace</p> +<p>Of the blackguard who blows it near</p> +<p>Me in Town, at most times of year!</p> +<p class="i2">And I mark, too, the face</p> +<p class="i2">Of that beastly big-bass—</p> +<p>(Which has also been reared on beer)—</p> +<p class="i2">And I know, too, the face</p> +<p class="i2">Of that other disgrace,</p> +<p>The fat cornet! They've come down here—</p> +<p>They've been borrowed, and lent new gear!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But I know them of old,</p> +<p class="i2">And in spite of the gold</p> +<p>Round the hats, with the peaks just here,</p> +<p>I can see who they are while near.</p> +<p class="i2">They wear bowlers in Town,</p> +<p class="i2">And frock-coats which are brown,</p> +<p>On account of their age—or beer!</p> +<p>For they play to the public for beer;</p> +<p class="i2">For they stand and they blow</p> +<p class="i2">On the kerb in a row,</p> +<p>And then go to the public for beer!</p> +<p>And so this is the Band down here!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>"THREE CHOIRS FESTIVAL."—Curious coincidence, +if true, that when Miss JESSIE KING +was charmingly giving the contralto song, +"<i>While my Watch I'm Keeping</i>," a gentleman +in the crowded audience suddenly put his +hand to his waistcoat-pocket and exclaimed, +"Good gracious! it's gone!" He will never +forget the title of that song. The watch was off its guard.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><font size="+1">☞</font> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 103, SEPTEMBER 17, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15332-h.txt or 15332-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15332">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/3/15332</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution.</p> + + + +<pre> +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +<a href="https://gutenberg.org/license">https://gutenberg.org/license)</a>. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's +eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, +compressed (zipped), HTML and others. + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over +the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. +VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving +new filenames and etext numbers. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">https://www.gutenberg.org</a> + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000, +are filed in directories based on their release date. If you want to +download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular +search system you may utilize the following addresses and just +download by the etext year. + +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a> + + (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99, + 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90) + +EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are +filed in a different way. The year of a release date is no longer part +of the directory path. The path is based on the etext number (which is +identical to the filename). The path to the file is made up of single +digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename. For +example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at: + +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234 + +or filename 24689 would be found at: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689 + +An alternative method of locating eBooks: +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a> + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** +</pre> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/15332-h/images/121.png b/15332-h/images/121.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23ae41a --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/121.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/122.png b/15332-h/images/122.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1615f1b --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/122.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/123.png b/15332-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b0d45aa --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/123.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/124.png b/15332-h/images/124.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b05ebb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/124.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/125-1.png b/15332-h/images/125-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..68f62cd --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/125-1.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/125-2.png b/15332-h/images/125-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d46452 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/125-2.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/126.png b/15332-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d931b46 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/126.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/127.png b/15332-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f940c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/127.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/129.png b/15332-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d79a056 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/129.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/130-1.png b/15332-h/images/130-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cdb30c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/130-1.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/130-2.png b/15332-h/images/130-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c287c50 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/130-2.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/131.png b/15332-h/images/131.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eddef01 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/131.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/132-1.png b/15332-h/images/132-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9539a2d --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/132-1.png diff --git a/15332-h/images/132-2.png b/15332-h/images/132-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3ac349 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332-h/images/132-2.png diff --git a/15332.txt b/15332.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..913ba09 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1741 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +September 17, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, September 17, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: March 12, 2005 [eBook #15332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, SEPTEMBER 17, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15332-h.htm or 15332-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15332/15332-h/15332-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15332/15332-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +SEPTEMBER 17, 1892 + + + + + + + +HEARING HIMSELF. + +(_MYSTERIOUS MEM. FROM A HAWARDEN NOTE-BOOK._) + +Exceedingly kind and flattering of MAX MUeLLER! "I hope there are but +few here present who have never enjoyed the privilege of listening to +Mr. GLADSTONE." Ha! ha! He little thought there was _one_ there who +had _not_ "enjoyed that privilege." Have enjoyed most privileges in +my time, but never that of "hearing myself as others hear me"--more or +less. "Unavoidable absence of Mr. GLADSTONE!" Ho! ho! Then my disguise +_was_ perfect. Get myself up as a Liberal Unionist, with wig and +eye-glass. Not likely anybody would recognise me in _that_ rig. + +Rather enjoyed myself--and my paper, "Phoenician Elements in the +Homeric Poems." Most seductive title! Such a _popular_ touch about it! +Think I shall have it printed as a "leaflet" for distribution among +Workmen's Clubs and Radical Associations. Might conciliate those +well-meaning but illogical Eight-Hour Men. Wonder if KEIRHARDIE would +like a copy. What more nicely calculated to cheer the scant leisure of +Labour? + +Funny to hear my own sinuous sentences coming back to me from mouth +of another. Not quite sure MAX is so "fascinating in his voice, and +so persuasive in his delivery" as--but no matter. Can't say--as MAX +did--"I felt myself carried away, and convinced almost against my +will." Not at all! Wonder what he meant by that? Why "against his +will"? That's what Liberal Unionists, and other preposterous and +illogical opponents of mine say in House, when they compliment me on +my "eloquence," _and then vote against me!_ Absurd! Wish they'd drop +their compliments and vote straight. + +"Small and exotic contribution" to Oriental Congress! Neat description +of paper running to nearly four columns of _Times_. "Intense sentiment +of nationality, which led the Greeks of later days to covet the title +of Autochthones." Wonder if that reminded MAX, or anyone else, of +_another_ race with "an intense sentiment of nationality," and a +passionate love of the land from which they sprang. Wonder whether, +if Nationalists were to call themselves "Auctochthones" instead of +Home-Rulers, we should get along better? Must consult JUSTIN on this +point. Should have to teach some of them to _pronounce_ their new +name, though. "Autochthones," spoken in wrath, with a rich brogue, +after dinner, would, I should think, beat Phillippopolis, or "Ri' +l'il, ti' li'l Isl'l" hollow. + +_Anax andron_, too, might be useful. Say, as substitute for that +everlasting G.O.M., of which I admit I'm heartily sick, Lord of Men! +_Not_ King of Men, of course. LABBY might kick at latter. "Nothing +can be simpler than the meaning of the two words." Exactly. Must get +HARCOURT to popularise these. Applied to AGAMEMNON. Why not to "strong +men" who live _after_ AGAMEMNON? "Evidence from extraneous sources +of connection between title of _Anax andron_ and great Egyptian +Empire." Aha! I may yet have to play the _Anax andron_ in Egypt as +before. Allegory--I mean _Anax andron_ on banks of Nile! Good--and +not a Malapropism, whatever WOLSELEY may say. "Title of _Anax +andron_ descendible" (good word, "descendible") "from father to +son, and accorded in the poems to personages altogether secondary, +_viz._, EUMELOS and EUPHETES." Wonder what my EUMELOS--HERBERT--will +say to that! + +Enjoyed it much whilst MAX was "mouthing out" (as Mrs. BROWNING +says) my eulogy of that man of "Phoenician stamp," the "universal +ODYSSEUS," who expressed the many-sided, the all-accomplished man; +the _polutropos_, the _polumetis_, the _tlemon_, the _polutlas_, the +_polumekanos_, the _poikilometis_, the _poluphron_, the _daiphron_, +the _talasiphron._ (What a peck of p's!) In battle never foiled! In +council supreme! His oratory like the snow-flakes of the winter +storm. Superbly representative Phoenician! "But over and above this +universality of ODYSSEUS in the arts of life, he bears the Phoenician +stamp in what may be termed his craft." Aha! The "Old Parliamentary +Hand" of his period plainly. Wonder if MAX thought of _that_! +Hellas and Phoenicia combined! As a Statesman of classical culture, +commercial instincts _and_ craft, what a shining success ODYSSEUS +might have been in these days! + + He went into the Cyclops' cave + To see what he could spy out; + He slew his oxen, stole his sheep, + And then he poked his eye out, + +as the ribald doggerelist has it. Sounds a little "predatory," +perhaps, as SALISBURY would say. But quite capable of being +"spiritualised" into a sound Liberal policy, directed against the +purblind Poluphemos of Property and Privilege. + +On the whole, I had a high old time among the Orientalists. But +when discussion ensued, I longed to throw off my disguise and +rush, Achilles-like, into the fray. But MAX might have thought that +inconsistent with my "colossal humanity;" so, very unwillingly, I +refrained. + + * * * * * + +UP ALOFT.--The most elevated title in the Peerage, and belonging to +the upperest part of the Upper House, is "Lord MOUNTGARRET." There can +be but one higher, and that will have to be created in the person of +a future "Lord TOPOCHIMNEPOT." Though, perhaps, the title of "Lord +COWLEY," if it were altered into Lord CHIMNEPOT-COWL-Y, would be the +highest of all. + + * * * * * + +ANGLICE-FRENCHIE EXCLAMATION (_on any of the recent many showery +days when, after an interval of ten minutes, the next bucketful +descended_).--"_POUR une autre fois!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NATURE'S SECRETS. + +"HERE ARE SOME NEW LAID EGGS FOR YOU, GEORGIE!" + +"OH, THANKS! HOW NICE! I HAVEN'T SEEN A NEW LAID EGG FOR WEEKS! HOW DO +YOU MANAGE TO GET THEM? OH, OF COURSE--YOU'VE GOT _AN INCUBATOR_!"] + + * * * * * + +INNS AND OUTS. + +NO. III.--THE PORTER. + +I had intended to have written, this week about "Loggosh"--including +that mysterious canvass hand-box which contains all that a foreigner +cares to carry about with him by day, and often pillows him when +travelling by night; but the very mention of luggage brings me back +to the Porter. I abominate him. I am "one who has suffered." So here +goes! + +"Imposing," best describes the Hotel porter; a very Grand Hotel has +at least two of these impositions--the House Porter and the Omnibus +Porter. The latter you only see twice in your Hotel existence, but he +is the most futile and the deadliest fraud of the two. + +This Porter is part and parcel of that horrible deep-red-plush +nuisance, the Hotel-omnibus. He and it are inseparables, and make up +a sort of Centaur between them. Once outside the Railway-station, I +am besieged by a babel of these Porter-omnibuses--"Bear Hotel, Sor;" +"Grand Hotel, Sor!"--This, from a very dilapidated specimen, which, +on inspection, turns out to be "Grand Hotel Du Lac;" a pirate +porter-omnibus in fact; at last I find _The_ Grand Hotel vehicle, and +functionary. The latter is of gigantic stature; quite a "chucker-out;" +in a uniform between that of a German bandsman and a Salvation +Captain--"Certinly, Sar. Dis Grand Hotel; I see your Loggosh, Sar; gif +me se empfangschein." "Do you speak English?" I retort.--"Certinly; +spik Ingleese--empfangschein!"--"Empfangschein" baffles me, and I +am about to hand my keys to the monster, when a good-natured Courier +explains that it signifies the luggage-receipt. + +Away ambles the Porter, leaving me with that orphaned sort of feeling +which a luggageless Englishman experiences; it is pouring cats and +dogs; I am dead beat; I creep into the dark omnibus. I find myself +quite alone. I wait impatiently--a quarter of an hour--twenty-five +minutes--still no Porter; I am famished; to distract myself, I +peer through the door, whence I can discern the messy vista of the +railway-station in the rain; it's lucky I do so; for there I behold my +own portmanteau, with its huge purple stripe, being hauled away on the +back of a railway-man, followed by an alien Hotel Porter, _not mine_, +doing nothing: they are always doing nothing. To rush out indignantly, +seize my box, defy the brigands, and carry it back myself, seemed +the work of an instant. Drenched and gasping, I find myself once +more outside; the Porter of the Grand Hotel Du Lac is at my heels, +furious and impertinent. "Dis, _not_ your loggosh: other shentleman's +loggosh." He seized the portmanteau, and a struggle would certainly +have ensued, when my own Hotel Porter appeared on the scene +triumphant, with a regiment of station-men carrying one small tin box. +"What you do, Sar; see _here_, your loggosh!" The tin box belonged to +a commercial-traveller, who was bound for the Hotel Du Lac. + +I am too exhausted to curse, and leave the rival Porters to fight it +out themselves, after paying off the ragged regiment of Station-men. +On the drive to the Hotel, the Porter tries to propitiate me. + +"Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, fetch de loggosh. I tell you, better +leave it to me, Sar. You see, _I_ get your loggosh. Dat bizley Porter +of De Hotel Du Lac, he change de empfangschein; but I sweep it from +him, and bring to de 'Bus"--"'Bus" was good--and then he laughed! + +[Illustration: "Pity shentlemans like you, Sar, retchistar de +loggosh."] + +I never saw the brute again until the time of my departure; I had +taken a carriage to the Station this time, thinking thereby to avoid +the Porter-omnibus. I had registered my traps myself, and was looking +out for some one to carry them to the den in which you are penned till +the train arrives, when, lo! the chucker-out! smiling and bowing as if +he had never seen me before--"Is better I retchistar de loggosh, Sar; +pity shentlemans like you, Sar, retchistar de loggosh." + +I turn on my heel with an imprecation which "Ingleese-spikers" +understand. But he still waits there, smiling, and expecting to be +tipped, Let him wait. So much for the Omnibus-Porter--at once the Gamp +and Undertaker of my Grand Hotel existence. + +The House-Porter is of equal size, and equal uselessness. He sits +in the hall, and always rises and salutes when you pass. If you want +anything, he waits till you have got it, and then offers to procure +it for you. If you ask to be called early, he chalks something on a +slate, and you are safe not to be disturbed until you rise in your +wrath and ring violently. Should you be in a town, and wish to secure +theatre-tickets, he becomes more active; he implores you not to resort +to "De Boxing Office, vare you pay premiums, you see;" but he has one +or two left for sale. Should you be weak enough to yield, you will +find that the worst seats at the highest prices are yours; and, if you +remonstrate next day, he will sigh wearily, and remark,--"Is acheslant +places, Sar; but was Gala Night, you see,"--an enigma, which those who +run may read. He is always offering to do something, and doing _you_ +instead. He is absolutely unnecessary, for there is seldom anyone in a +Grand Hotel to "chuck out," and this would be his only justification. + + * * * * * + +THE "BLOWER" BURST UP! + + The "Blower" came down, like the braggart he was, + And of winning the fight was peculiarly "poz;" + And the voice of his backers was loud in their glee;-- + "We shall lick him in two rounds--or certainly three!" + + Like the "Champion Slugger," in trunks of bright green, + The "Big Fellow" at Eight fifty-two might be seen: + Like a truculent Titan, blind, baffled, and blown, + At Ten thirty-seven the brute was o'erthrown. + + For CORBETT smote fiercely, and CORBETT fought fast, + And the bullying bounder was beaten at last; + And the cheeks of the coarse woman-puncher were chill, + He rolled over, and struggled to rise, and lay still. + + And there stood his foe with his nostrils all wide, + And the shouts of his backers rolled on in their pride. + The swells of the Ring and the stars of the Turf + Surged round like the waves of the storm-beaten surf. + + And there lay the "Blower," distorted and pale, + With the blood on his brow where the blows fell like hail. + _His_ backers were silent, he lay there alone, + His mawleys unlifted, his trumpet unblown. + + And the "Sports" of the South are all loud in their wail. + But _Punch_, who hates bullying brutes, can but hail + That smart Californian's pluck, skill, and strength, + Who has pricked the big SULLIVAN bladder--at length! + + * * * * * + +"FONS ET ORIGO."--As to London Water "seek Wells," that is if you +wish to avoid unpleasant seq-uels. "_Don't_ leave Wells alone" is our +motto, meaning "Sir SPENCER" of that ilk, who has a deal worth hearing +to say on this subject. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TWO SIDES TO A QUESTION. + +_Major Podmore_. "CONGRATULATE YOU, DEAR BOY!" + +_Disappointed Cricketer_. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? BOWLED FIRST BALL--NEVER +GOT A RUN!" + +_Major Podmore_. "QUITE SO, DEAR BOY. BUT IN THIS HOT WEATHER--80 deg. IN +THE SHADE--SO MUCH BETTER, IF YOU CAN, TO TAKE THINGS COOLLY!"] + + * * * * * + +A ROUNDABOUT RAMBLE. + +(_A FACT FOUNDED ON FICTION._) + +The sharp, bright little Traveller made his way to the Cabinet of M. +CARNOT, and disturbed him at work. + +"Do you know, M. Le President," said he, "that the Russians are in +secret treaty with the English, and the Russo-French Alliance is all +nonsense--the most unreliable of broken reeds?" + +"Well, no," replied CARNOT, "I have not heard anything of the sort; +and, if anyone should be up in it--" + +But the Traveller did not want to hear the rest, for he was once again +on his road, telling everyone he met the disquieting intelligence, +and, consequently, the French people were greatly troubled. + +He was soon in Berlin. He did not ask for an interview with the +KAISER, but took one. + +"Your Royal and Imperial Majesty," said he, "are you aware that Italy +is in secret accord with France, and that the Triple Alliance is a +sham, and that the cry _A Berlin!_ may be renewed at any moment?" + +"Well, no," said the Emperor, "I have not heard this; and if anyone +should know anything about it, I fancy--" + +But the Traveller did not wait for the KAISER to finish the +sentence, but was off again, telling everyone he met the disquieting +intelligence. And, consequently, the German people were greatly +troubled. + +Then the Traveller obtained admission, in the same unceremonious +fashion, to the apartment occupied by the Emperor of AUSTRIA. + +"King of HUNGARY," said he, "are you aware that you cannot possibly +rely upon your German neighbour, because the KAISER has a secret +understanding with the CZAR, by which the Principalities will be +included in Russian territory, and the Rhine secured from French +invasion?" + +"No, I have not heard it," was the answer; "and, if it had been the +case, I imagine that--" + +But again the Traveller left without waiting for the completion of +the sentence, and went his way telling everyone he met the disquieting +intelligence. And consequently, the Austro-Hungarian peoples were +greatly troubled. + +And now the Traveller was in the presence of the Emperor of ALL THE +RUSSIAS. Again he had obtained admission without the preliminary of an +official introduction. + +"Little Father," said the Traveller, "are you aware that your youthful +relative in Berlin is coquetting with France and England, and you may +find the whole of Europe marshalled against you?" + +"Well, no I have not heard it," returned the CZAR; "and I really +think--" + +But the Traveller never learned what the CZAR really thought, for he +was away before His Imperial Majesty had completed the sentence. And +as he went away, after his usual fashion, he spread the disquieting +intelligence, and consequently the Russian people were greatly +troubled. + +And now the Traveller was in Cairo. He presented himself before the +KHEDIVE without waiting for the English adviser. + +"Your Highness, do you know that the British Army of occupation is on +the eve of departure?" said he. + +"What, in spite of Lord ROSEBERY going to the Foreign Office!" +exclaimed the SULTAN's vassal, in a tone of considerable astonishment. + +"Of course," replied the visitor. "Everything was settled long ago, +and before Christmas there won't be a red-coat in Egypt!" + +"Indeed," returned His Highness, "I certainly have not heard it, and I +fancy--" + +But the Traveller departed without ascertaining the drift of the +KHEDIVE's fancies, and on his road, strictly according to precedent, +spread the disquieting intelligence, and consequently the Egyptian +people were greatly troubled. + +And now the Traveller was once more back in London. He entered Capel +Court and rested himself. He said nothing. It was unnecessary, for he +was well known, and his stories had already been discounted. + +"Ah, my little friend RUMOUR," said Mr. BULLBEAR; "you have come back +again! And now you can rest for awhile, until we want you after the +next account." + +So RUMOUR is waiting in the Stock Exchange until he is wanted after +the next account! + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. XIV.--TO SWAGGER. + +I approach you with fear and trembling. Somewhere in the Cave of the +Winds you have your home. The ancient Authors, to their discredit, +make no mention of your existence there, but the fact is as I have +stated it. The East wind blows into your gaping mouth, and forth you +go, puffing and swelling with an alien importance, to do your hateful +work. You hover over a second-rate Statesman, who has attracted the +applause of a Party by an opportune speech, compiled by the industry +of a humble Secretary. From that moment his nature changes. Though he +may have been simple and beloved, yet, through you, he shall become +pompous, and abhorred. His fellow-creatures are thenceforth mere +material for his trampling feet; he swells into regions to which no +criticism can reach; he covers himself in a triple hide of vanity, +ostentation, and disdain; he hails himself continually as the unaided +Saviour of his country, and dies in the odour of braggadocio, without +a genuine friend to mourn his loss. + +[Illustration] + +Or, again, you select some common, smug-faced Clergyman, capable, no +doubt, if he were left alone, of guiding his flock quietly into the +strait paths of goodness and humility. You turn him into a loud-voiced +Clerical quack, vending his wretched patent medicines of salvation +in a style of offensive denunciation that would have ruined a host of +Dulcamaras, trained in the insinuating methods of the ordinary trade. +But on this the Clergyman thrives, and weak women fall prostrate +before his roaring insincerity. + +Nor do you neglect the young. Heavens! I remember I was once favoured +with the confidences of WILLIAM JOSKINS BACON, an Undergraduate, +generally known to his intimates as "Side of Bacon." I shudder +to recollect how that amazing creature discoursed to me about his +popularity, his influence, his surprising deeds both of valour and of +discretion. With one nod--and, as he spoke, he gave me an illustration +of his Olympian method--he had awed his Head-master--a present +ornament of the Bench of Bishops--into a terrified silence, from which +he recovered only to bless the name of JOSKINS, and hold him up as a +pattern to his schoolfellows. At a single phrase of scorn from those +redoubtable lips, his College Tutor had withered into acquiescence, +and had never dared to refuse him an _exeat_ from that day forth. "I +can't help pitying the beggar," said JOSKINS--"but I had to do it. +You must make these fellows feel you're their master, or they'll never +give you a moment's peace. Halloa!" he continued, as a brawny athlete +sauntered into the room, "how's the boat going, BULLEN? Not very well, +eh? Well, remember I'm ready to lend you a hand, and pull you through +when things get desperate." The smile with which this offer was +received had no effect upon my companion. He took it rather as a +tribute to the subtle humour which, as he believed, lay lurking in his +simplest utterances. "Always make 'em laugh," he observed, with pride. +"It keeps up the spirits of these poor devils of rowing-men; and old +BULLEN knows I'm all there when I'm wanted." But I had heard enough, +and departed from him, feeling as though a steam-roller had passed +over my moral nature, and flattened out my self-respect. + +Then there was CHEPSTOWE, the poet. I am old enough to remember him; +and it pleases me sometimes to call back to my mind this paltry and +forgotten little literary _Bombastes_. As I write, I have before +me some of the reviews that greeted his boisterous invasion of the +regions of song. "Mr. CHEPSTOWE," said one, "has struck a note which +is destined to vibrate so long as the English language is spoken in +civilised lands. He is no ordinary rhymester, struggling feebly in the +bonds of convention. With a bold and masterful on-rush, he cleaves his +way unhesitatingly to the very heart of things, tears it out, and lays +it, palpitating and bleeding, before the eyes of humanity. We have +only space for a few lines from the magnificent _Ode to Actuality_:-- + + "'Prone in the caverns of the vasty deep + I lay, + And slept not, though I seemed to sleep. + The day + Pierced not with sullen eyes of pallid scorn + The dark, + Unplumbed abyss, where, girt with red limbs torn. + The shark + Sported, and eyeless monsters crawled in slime--' + +"No extract can, however, convey an adequate idea of this grand poem, +on which, as on the bed rock, Mr. CHEPSTOWE's fame is established for +ever, SHAKSPEARE himself might have been proud to have written it." +I may remark, parenthetically, that in his "Ode" CHEPSTOWE pictured +himself as a sort of animate skeleton:-- + + "Sockets where light once shone grinned emptiness; + The teeth + Were fallen from the gaping, gumless jaws; nathless + Beneath + The cold smooth skull, the brain retained her throne." + +Amid these uncomfortable surroundings CHEPSTOWE described himself as +penetrated with raptures of fierce joy at having shaken himself free +from the world and its puling insincerities to dwell amid "Unpitying +shapes of death's dread twin despair," where "Rapine and slaughter +raged, and none rebuked." Another reviewer observed that "The soul of +ARCHER's, the tavern-brawler's glorious victim, KIT MARLOWE, has taken +again a habitation of clay. She speaks trumpet-tongued by the mouth +of Mr. CHEPSTOWE. We note in these outpourings of dramatic passion +an audacity, an energy, an enthusiasm, that are calculated to shake +Peckham Rye to its centre, and make Balham tremble in its ridiculous +carpet slippers. Who--to take only one example--but Mr. CHEPSTOWE or +MARLOWE could have written thus of 'Rapture'?-- + + "'Not in the mouths of prating men who deem + That God dwells in the senseless clay they mould, + Who live their little lives and die their deaths, + Lapped in a smug respectability; + Who never dreamt of breaking puny laws + Formed for a puny race of grovellers; + But in the blood-stained track of flaming swords, + Wielded by knotty arms in Man's despite, + Or on the wings of crashing battle-balls, + Bone-shattering dealers of a thousand wounds, + The roaring heralds of indignant God, + There rapture dwells, and there I too would dwell.' + +"Here is power that would furnish forth a whole legion of the +poetasters who crawl through our effete literature!" But I cannot +pursue these memories. They are too painful. For who speaks of +CHEPSTOWE now? Who cares to cumber his bookshelves with the volumes +in which this inflated arm-chair prophet of the tin pots delivered his +shrieking message? His very name has flickered out; and when I spoke +of him the other day, I was asked, by a person of some intelligence, +if I referred to CHEPSTOWE who had just made 166 playing cricket for +the Gentlemen against the Players. Not even the lion and the lizard +keep his courts, and yet JAMSHYD CHEPSTOWE gloried and drank deep in +his day. He blustered through many editions, he bellowed his contempt +at a shrinking world, he outraged conventionality, he swung himself by +the aid of newly-fashioned metres to lofty peaks of poetic daring, and +to-day the dust lies thick upon his books, and his name is confounded +with that of an eminent cricket-player! + +My excellent SWAGGER, it was meanly done. If you meant to wipe him out +so swiftly, why did you ever exalt him? + +Farewell for a space. I may have to write to you again. + +Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +"USED UP."--Lord BRASSEY requested several papers last week to publish +his denial as to having the finest collection of stamps in the world. +His Lordship, it appears, "doesn't take the smallest interest in +foreign stamps." Fortunate for Lord BRASSEY. There are some excellent +people who can't get up any interest, or capital either, at all +without a stamp of some sort. Lord BRASSEY wished it further known, +that he was not a collector of curios, and had no curiosity of any +kind. Lord BRASSEY must be a later edition of _L'Homme Blase_, to whom +the world was round like an indiarubber-ball and "nothing in it." + + * * * * * + +"IN NUBIBUS."--If the new Sky-signs with which we are threatened, +_viz._, advertisements reflected in the clouds, become the fashion, +the aspect of the heavens by daylight will be as delightful and +artistic as are the walls of our hoardings and Railway-stations. +The anthem of "_The Heavens are Telling_" will have to be adapted +for large towns. Perhaps pictures may be projected on the nebulous +back-ground. If so, some of our best Artists may not object to taking +a good sum, and then having their work "Sky'd." + + * * * * * + +PHANTASMA-GORE-IA! + +_PICTURING THE VARIOUS MODES OF MELODRAMATIC MURDER_. (_BY OUR +"OFF-HIS"-HEAD POET_.) + +NO. I.--THE DAGGER MURDER. + +[Illustration] + + They stand alone on the moonlit spot,-- + Sing Ho--ho! and Ha--ha! there! + One is the villain, and one is not, + But the heroine's father. + They stand alone on the patch of light + (Which comes from the left as well as right)-- + Oh, 'tis a glorious place and night + For a Murder Scene! Rather! + + They talk of deeds (of the parchment kind)-- + Sing Ha--ha! and Ho-ho! there! + The heavy father, to reason blind, + Has them with him to show there! + The deeds relate to the old man's will; + The villain wants them to pay a bill! + The night is cold, and the night is still + Let the music be slow there! + + They stand alone in the pale-green light-- + Sing Hey--hey! and he--he! there! + What is this flashing so keen and bright? + What is this that I see there? + Oh! deed of darkness in light descried! + Oh! villain thrice damn'd that blade to hide, + Right 'tween the arm on _the farther_ side-- + Certain death when it be there! + + They're still alone on the moonlit spot-- + Sing He--he! and Hey--hey! there! + Though one is Standing,[1] and one is not, + For _one's_ cold as the clay there! + The villain covers the dead man's stare-- + The corpse lies stiff in the limelight's glare! + The act is done!--and for all I care, + The dead body can stay there! + +[Footnote 1: HERBERT.] + + * * * * * + +TO MY LUGGAGE-LABELS. + + Wonderful pictures of purple and gold, + Ultramarine, and vermilion, and bistre; + Splendid inscriptions of hostels untold, + Touching memorials breathing of "Mr.;" + "Schweizerhof," "Bernerhof," "Hofs" by the score; + Signs of the Bear and the Swan, and the Bellevue, + Gasthaus, Albergo, Posada, galore-- + Beautiful wrecks, how I wish I could shelve you! + + Visions of Venice--her stones and her smells! + Whiffs of Cologne--aromatic mementos; + Visiting cards, so to speak, of hotels; + Como's, Granada's, Zermatt's and Sorrento's + Ah! how ye cling to my boxes and bags, + Glued with a pigment that baffles removal; + Dogged adherents in dirt and in rags; + Labels, receive my profane disapproval! + + Much as I prized you, when roaming afield, + Loved you, when Life was metheglyn and skittles, + Wished you the spell of remembrance to wield, + Calling the scenery back and the victuals; + Still, when it blows and it rains, and it irks, + Here in apartments adjoining a seaview, + After a meal that would terrify Turks, + Somehow I feel I can scarcely believe you. + + Yes! It's too much to remember the past-- + Here, amid shrimps, and agilities nameless; + Glaciers gigantic, and Restaurants vast + Chime not with sands and a tablecloth shameless; + Smoking a pestilent, sea-side cigar, + Mewed in a lodging with children and nurses, + Epitaphs gorgeous of far "_Dolce far_," + Curse you with paterfamiliar curses! + + * * * * * + +THE UGLY FACE: A MORAL DUTY + +[Illustration: "A ready-made Comedian with fifty quid a week."] + + Some years ago a babe was born--I need not name the place-- + With a puffy, pasty, podgy, gutta-percha sort of face, + Which wrinkles sub-divided into funny little bits, + While beady eyes peered cunningly behind two tiny slits. + + His nose was like a mushroom of the foreign button sort, + His form was quaint and chubby, and his legs were extra short; + That his nurse spoke like SAPPHIRA, I have always had a fear, + When she said he was a "beauty," and a "pretty little dear." + + Yes, such remarks were really of the truth, a dreadful stretch, + For, in point of fact, that baby was a hideous little wretch; + And in course of time he grew up--though a loving mother's joy-- + Into quite a champion specimen of the genius "ugly boy." + + At school his teasing comrades gave him many comic names, + And he became the victim of all sorts of naughty games; + Nor did the master like him, for he felt that such a face, + Mid a row of ruddy youngsters, was extremely out of place. + + In time, his father placed him in the City--as a clerk-- + Where his personal appearance excited much remark; + But he fell out with his principal, whose customers complained, + That his clerk was making faces, and said "Bosh!" when he explained. + + On perceiving from the office that he never would be missed, + As Mr. GILBERT puts it, he determined to enlist; + And so one summer afternoon he started forth in search + Of a Sergeant who perambulates close by St. Martin's Church. + + The Sergeant burst out laughing when he'd uttered his request, + And declared that, of a batch of jokes he knew, this was the best; + "'Tis a pity you're too short, my lad," he then went on to say, + "For wid _that_ face ye'd froighten ivery inimy away!" + + In a fountain which played handy--it was near Trafalgar Square-- + He was rushing off to drown himself, the victim of despair, + When he knocked against a person he'd not seen for quite an age, + Who had left his home some years before, and gone upon the Stage. + + To this friend he soon narrated his distressing tale of woe, + And declared his case was hopeless. But the actor said, "Not so. + There's _one_ thing, my fine fellow, that as yet you haven't tried, + Where your face will be your fortune, and a pound or two beside. + + "With a mouth like yours to grin with, and your too delicious + squint, + And the ears that Nature's given you with such a lack of stint,-- + No matter what an author may provide you with to speak, + You're a ready-made Comedian--with your fifty quid a week." + + And it was so. Though he started at a figure rather less + Than the one that I have mentioned, still the truth I but express + When I say he now is earning such a wage as wouldn't shock + A respectable Archbishop or a fashionable jock. + + And the face that all men sneered at, now is very much admired, + And the public ne'er, apparently, of watching it grows tired, + And the Merchant who dismissed him, in the Stalls is wont to sit, + While the Sergeant and his sweetheart are applauding from the Pit. + + The moral of my narrative is easy to espy. + But still I'd better mention it, lest some should pass it by: + "Though it's often very troublesome indeed to find it out-- + There's a proper sphere for _everyone_, beyond the slightest doubt." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TECHNICALITIES. + +_First Amateur Water-Colourist._ "DO YOU _WASH_ MUCH?" + +_Second Ditto Ditto_. "NO; I _SCRATCH_ A GOOD DEAL!"] + + * * * * * + +"PUTTING ON THE HUG." + + [During President CARNOT's tour he received at Aix-les-Bains + "a delegation of children." One of these, clad in a Russian + dress, offered him a bunch of flowers, repeating a stanza + written for the occasion. M. CARNOT, amid cries of "_Vive + la France!_" "_Vive la Russie!_" "_Vive Carnot!_" "_Vive la + Republique!_" kissed the little girl, saying, "_J'embrasse la + Russie!_"] + + Yes--"_Vive la France!_"--and "_Vive la Russie!_" too. + _Vive_--why not?--everybody! + Called once, "_Monsieur le President Faute-de-Mieux_"[2] + (By _Punch_, that foe of shoddy). + I fancy I have justified the name, + Ay, to the very letter. + I may not be a THIERS, but all the same, + France has not found a better. + + Tall-talk is tedious, but one must not flinch + When asked the task to tackle; + And he's no Frenchman true who, at a pinch, + Cannot both crow and cackle. + Ah, _Vive_, once more, the Gallic Cock--and hen! + These Talking-Tours are trying, + But 'tis with windy flouts of tongue or pen, + We keep the French flag flying. + + A sop for SAVOY neatly put, elicits + _Such_ "double rounds of cheering." + "_Vive CARNOT!_" To be sure! My annual visits, + France to the Flag endearing + By sweet-phrased flattery of the Fatherland, + Are sure to swell our legions. + "I wish, France, to be _thine_!" The effect was grand, + In "Allobrogian" regions. + + _Vive_ Everything--especially _la Blague!_ + (What _should_ we do without it?) + Fraternity! the Fatherland! the Flag!-- + _I_ work them--never doubt it! + Then "_La Republique_" and "_La Russie_," linked, + Pair off, 'midst acclamations: + Yes, I proclaimed--and never winced or winked-- + _That_ "brotherhood of nations!" + + "A delegation of young children," Ah! + And they were not the only ones. + "Men are but children of a larger--" Bah! + Wise and strong _men_ are--lonely ones. + Most men--French-men--have touches of the child, + Fondness for show, fine phrases-- + Pst! Here my _role_'s not cynical, but mild, + And open as dawn-daisies. + + "_J'embrasse la Russie!_" That was rather neat + For "_Faute-de-Mieux_," at any rate. + Wondrous the magic power of _blague_, and "bleat" + On Man--_mouton_ degenerate! + That "_Bete Humaine_," as ZOLA dubs him. Gr--r--r! + The real brutes are braver; + The tiger, when in chase of prey, won't purr, + Nor will the Bear, then, slaver. + + The Bear! Reminds me of a horrid dream + I had that night. A funny one, + But startling! I awoke with such a scream! + I dreamt some link (a money one?) + Bound me to a big Bruin, rampant, tall, + A regular Russian Shagbag, + In whose close hug I felt extremely small, + And squeezable as a rag-bag. + + I, CARNOT, squeezable! 'Tis too absurd! + A President, and pliant! + But--in my dream--the raucous voice I heard + Of that grim ursine giant. + "Come to my arms! You'll find them strong and snug. + The North's _so_ true--and tender!"-- + And then that monster huge put on the hug! + I thought my soul I'd render. + + A bear's embrace, like a prize-fighter's grip, + Is close as passion's clasping. + "Welcome!" he grunted. "_I_'ll not let you slip!" + "Thanks! thanks!" I answered, gasping. + "_J'em--brasse--la--Rus--sie!_" Here my breath quite failed + In that prodigious cuddle. + 'Twas but a dream--How was it sleep prevailed + My meaning so to muddle? + + "_J'embrasse la Russie!_" It was neatly phrased + As MOHRENHEIM admitted, + A President, in doggerel stanzas praised, + Must be so ready-witted, + Yet mild Republican and Autocrat, + Hugging in friendly seeming, + Suggest that _Someone_ may be cuddled _flat_-- + At least in restless dreaming. + +[Footnote 2: See Cut so named, p. 279, Vol. 93, Dec. 17, 1887.] + + * * * * * + +FROM THE VALE OF LLANGOLFLYN. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I have just seen your Number with the Song of "The +Golf Enthusiast." It occurs to me that no one has ever mentioned the +fact that the Romans knew the game, for does not VIRGIL sing, "_Tee +veniente die--Tee decedente canebat?_" I have not the book, and +therefore can't give you the reference--but I know I am right, as I am + +A WELSH GOLFER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PUTTING ON THE HUG!" + +M. LE PRESIDENT (_breathlessly_). "J'EM--BRASSE--LA RUSSIE!!" + + ("An interesting incident occurred during the official + reception held by M. CARNOT at the Mairie. A child dressed in + the Russian national costume presented the President with + a bouquet, at the same time reciting a brief complimentary + speech. M. CARNOT smilingly embraced the child, saying, 'I + embrace Russia.'"--_Quoted from Daily Papers_.)] + + * * * * * + +WHY YOUNG MEN DON'T MARRY. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The reason is obvious. It is entirely owing to your +advice to those about to marry--Don't! I myself have been on the brink +of proposing to several thousand delightful girls, a large per centage +of which, I am convinced, would have gladly accepted me. I have in +every case been restrained by the recollection of your advice.--Your +obedient and obliged Servant, + +HUGH ADOLPHUS LATCH-KEY. + +_Sept_. 5, 1892. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The reason (which I confide to your ear, and yours +alone) is obvious--the girls don't, and apparently _won't_ propose. +Of course they ought--what else do we have Leap Year for? Take my own +case. I am genuinely in love with ETHEL TRINKERTON, who has just been +staying with us in the country for three weeks. She has paid me every +kind of attention. In our neighbourhood, if A. carries B.'s umbrella, +where A. and B. are of opposite sexes, it is regarded as an informal, +though perfectly definite way of announcing an approaching engagement. +She knew the custom, and _carried mine on no less than three +occasions_. (It is entirely beside the point that it rained heavily +each time.) Yet she left us yesterday without an approach to a +proposal. She's fair enough herself, but is her conduct? It isn't +as if I hadn't given her enough chances. It cost me a small fortune +to bribe my small brother to keep away; and, time after time, I've +consented to sit alone with her in the summer-house. It isn't as +if she couldn't afford it. They tell me she has at least a thousand +a-year in her own right (whatever that may be), which would do +capitally. I happen to be penniless myself; but, as I heard her say, +her idea of marriage was the union of "soul to soul," my want of a few +paltry pence could hardly matter. It's particularly humiliating for +me, as, after the repeated umbrella-carrying, everybody here thinks +it's all settled. That, _Mr. Punch_, is the reason why, at any rate, +_one_ young man doesn't marry. + +Yours, thoroughly aggrieved, BERTIE COOL-CHEEK, + +_Pickleton-in-the-Marsh, Kent_. + +P.S.--If ETHEL really didn't understand her position, and would like +to reopen the matter, I would not be haughty about it.--B. C-C. + +DEAR, KIND, GOOD MR. PUNCH,--The reason is obvious--the men don't and +won't propose to the right girls. Take my own case. I've just stayed +three weeks with the COOL-CHEEKS, and felt quite certain BERTIE would +have proposed. He had all the symptoms badly. I saw him give his +little brother half-a-crown to go indoors for ten minutes, and the way +he _would_ go in the summer-house and for long walks--with _me_--made +it quite clear (as I thought) what was going to happen. Yet, he let +me come away without a word! I'm sure _I_ don't want to run after him +(or anybody else), but I _did_ think he meant something. We suited +one another admirably. In fact, if he doesn't ask _me_ with all the +opportunities he had, he'd ask no one. + +Yours, just-a-little-disappointed, ETHEL TRINKERTON, + +_The Thorns, Bayswater._ + +P.S.--He carried my umbrella almost hourly--and you know what +_that_ means. If BERTIE was only nervous, and would like another +chance--well, we are always at home on Sunday afternoons.--E.T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REAL CONVERT. + +_Local Preacher_ (_giving an account to the Vicar of the Parish of a +dispute he has had with the Leading Lights of his Sect_). "YES, SIR, +AFTER TREATMENT THE LIKES O' THAT, I SAYS TO 'EM, 'FOR THE FUTURE,' +SAYS I, 'I CHUCKS UP ALL RELIGION, AND I GOES TO CHURCH!'"] + + * * * * * + +A HINT TO EDITORS. + + SCENE--_The Sanctum of a Newspaper Office. Editor discovered + (by Obtrusive Visitor) hard at work._ + +_Obtrusive Visitor_. I trust that I have not come at an unfortunate +moment? + +_Editor_ (_looking up from his desk_). Dear me! You here! Delighted to +see you. But don't let me disturb you. Good-bye! + +_Ob. Vis._ (_seating himself_). No; I am afraid it is the other way. I +know at this time of the week you must be exceptionally busy. + +_Ed._ (_with courteous impatience_). Not at all, but-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Oh! thank you so much. Because it is the very last thing in +the world I would like to do--to disturb you. And now, how are you? + +_Ed._ Quite well, thanks. But now, if you don't mind, I will just +finish. + + [_Turns to go on with his article._ + +_Ob. Vis._ (_rejecting the hint_). I said to myself as I came along, +Now I will look him up. + +_Ed._ Very kind of you, but-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Oh, not in the least; and you know, my dear fellow, how I +enjoy a chat. + +_Ed._ Yes,--and I, too. But just now-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Quite so. You want me to do all the talking, as we haven't +met for the last three weeks. Well, you must know we have been to +Herne Bay, and-- + +_Ed._ Yes; charming place. But just now I am-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Quite so. But I didn't come to tell you about Herne Bay, +although it is really a delightful spot. The air-- + +_Ed._ Yes, I know all about it. First-rate, most salubrious, and the +rest of it. But, my dear friend, you really must-- + +_Ob. Vis._ Quite so! Yes, everyone knows all about Herne Bay; and I +really came to ask you if you had any room for an article. + +_Ed._ (_roused_). My dear fellow, I assure you we are quite full for +months. Any number of excellent things standing over. + +_Ob. Vis._ Oh, yes, I know you are always full. You told me so the +last time I called. + +_Ed._ Quite so! Very sorry, but it can't be helped. Have to look so +far ahead nowadays, you know. + +_Ob. Vis._ Certainly; and that is why I thought I would just bring a +half-finished article and show you what I had dome, and complete it +if you thought it would do. You can put it in whenever you like; so it +would not hurt for standing over. + +_Ed._ (_with inspiration_). What is it called? + +_Ob. Vis._ "Russian Wheat and Chinese Tea or Free Trade in Australia." +The subject is quite novel, and ought to attract considerable +attention. + +_Ed._ Novel! Why, my dear fellow, I do believe I have an article +somewhere in that heap upon the very subject. + + [_Pretends to search pile of MS._ + +_Ob. Vis._ (_uneasily_). Oh, never mind. I will read you what I have +written, and-- + +_Ed._ (_genially_). Oh, no, I won't give you the trouble. I will read +you what _he_ has written, and then you can see.--Ah, here it is! + + [_Produces enormous pile of MS._ + +_Ob. Vis._ (_hesitating_). Well, perhaps, if you don't mind-- + + [_Suddenly remembers an appointment and exit. Editor resumes + hit work with an air of triumph. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +THE THIEF'S MOTTO.--"Take things quietly." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones_. "HOW IS IT WE SEE YOU SO SELDOM AT THE CLUB +NOW?" + +_Old Member_. "AH, WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT SO YOUNG AS I WAS; AND +I'VE HAD A GOOD DEAL OF WORRY LATELY; AND SO, WHAT WITH ONE THING AND +ANOTHER, I'VE GROWN RATHER FOND OF MY OWN SOCIETY." + +_Jones_. "EPICURE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A PHEASANT. + +A SPORTSMANLIKE(?) SONG FOR SEPTEMBER. + +AIR--"_You are Queen of my Heart To-night_." + + I Stand in the copses sighing + As the cruel hours creep by, + And I see you slowly flying + Above the trees on high. + Your wondrous wealth, of feather + Has weaved a subtle spell, + And I softly wonder whether + You'd really taste as well. + For my hand is fairly steady + Though my heart is beating fast, + Oh, tell me that you too are ready + To make this hour your last. + For repentance may come when we're sober, + Let's seize on the chance while we may; + Then why should we wait till October? + Oh! Why not be shot to-day? + Oh! tell me why, why should I remember + With a thought of wild alarm, + That all through the month of sweet September + You should be free from harm. + Why, why does your beauty enslave me, + As it does, you're bound to allow + Oh! say but the word that will save me, + And tell me to shoot you now. + For my heart is wildly beating + (As it's often done before), + And the moments madly fleeting + Are going to come never more. + For repentance may come when we're sober, + Let's seize on the chance while we may, + Then why should we wait till October? + Oh! Why not be shot to-day? + + * * * * * + +"THE GRATUITOUS OPINION." + +(_A STORY FOR THE LONG VACATION_.) + +The Eminent Lawyer was about to return to his private address, when +there was a knock at the door of his Chambers. He attended to the +summons himself, and found facing him an elderly and carefully dressed +individual. + +"That some of my suburban neighbours desire the information, must be +my excuse for troubling you," said the visitor. + +"Nay, do not apologise," returned the Eminent Q.C., "it is my +pleasantest duty to give legal tips or applications to anybody. It is +not altogether lucrative, as I deliver them for nothing, but then on +the other hand, they are suitable for insertion in the papers, and +that is a comforting consideration. What can I do for you?" + +[Illustration] + +"I have to ask you on behalf of my suburban neighbours," continued the +visitor, "whether there is any principle which is accepted by Judges +to regulate their decisions in cases where drunkenness seems to be the +incentive of crime?" + +"I shall only be too glad to find a solution to a problem which +appears one of great difficulty--the more especially as certain +inhabitants of the suburbs are so deeply interested in the subject. It +seems to me that some Judges think one way and some another." + +"That is strange," murmured the visitor. "Cannot their Lordships come +to a common conclusion?" + +"I fear not," replied the Eminent Counsel, with a mournful smile. "It +is merely a question of opinion. However, I take it that one would +be perfectly safe to commit a murder under the influence of _delirium +tremens_." + +"I am infinitely obliged to you for the information," said the +visitor, "as now I know what to do." + +"You are not homicidal, I trust!" exclaimed the Lawyer, jumping up +from his chair, and taking protection behind a desk. "I have the +greatest possible objection to homicidal clients." + +"Be under no apprehension," was the reply. "I have a strong desire to +shorten the life of a certain person, but have not the nerve to do it. +If I ever succeed, will it be a case deserving capital punishment?" + +The Lawyer pondered a moment, and then replied. "I have no wish +to offer my counsel; but, as you have exhausted my time for +consideration, I would propose that you should try the matter for +yourself. Become intoxicated, put yourself within the clutches of the +law, and then see whether his Lordship will assume the black cap." + +"You are very good," returned the would-be homicide, "but I have +one difficulty. When I make up my mind to remove a person by +unconventional means (for choice, a carving-knife), and consume the +necessary amount of alcohol to insure intoxication--" + +"Yes," interjected the Lawyer, who had now opened the outer door. + +"I find, on reaching intoxication, that I have entirely forgotten the +identity of the man I have marked for my victim. Then I have got to +grow sober before I can remember who it is. Annoying, isn't it?" + +And, wishing the Eminent Counsel a pleasant holiday, the visitor +disappeared into the Inner Temple. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE SOUTH SEA-SIDE.] + + * * * * * + +THE HAT TO THE PARASOL. + +(_A SCHERZO IN NOBS AND STICKS._) + +[Illustration] + + Reflection polished of highbred + And unreflecting graces, + I scintillate o'er STREPHON's head + At gala, rout or races; + Mine is the black but comely blend, + And mine the crowning touches + That so demurely recommend + The dandy to the duchess. + + Out on thee, cruel Parasol, + Of lace, the pearl, and satin; + And glinting like a fairy doll + With many a burnished patin; + Cool, charming as the dainty dame + Who twirls thy coromandel; + Thou flauntest proudly since thy name, + Like hers, can boast its handle! + + The cynosure of wondering _beaux_, + I boast a soul above thee; + No fate can mar my calm repose, + Or make me cease to love thee; + Supreme above the common tile, + My own affronts unheeding, + I bow and compliment and smile, + The Chesterfield of breeding. + + Out on thee, trinket idly swayed! + Could any courtier dare see, + Through such perfections so displayed, + The mere "_Belle Dame sans merci_"? + Could man believe a thing so soft, + So framed for gentle passion, + Might wound, and wound not once but oft + The jaunty glass of fashion? + + Yet sooth it is; and here I stand + A martyr to my tenets-- + That orthodoxy smooth and grand + Of LINCOLN's fane and BENNETT's; + Unruffled once and unperplexed, + Collapsing now like jelly, + And but a sermon on the text + _Sic transit lux capelli_. + + I who have braved our fitful climes + And laughed when tempest drenches, + And shaken off the dust that grimes + Pews, cushioned stalls and benches, + Survived the counterblasting Row, + And Summer gales that roar so-- + I ne'er imagined such a foe + Could trounce me to a torso. + + * * * * * + +THE POTATO AND THE HEPTARCHY. + +(_A SENSIBLE SONG FOR THE SILLY SEASON._) + + ["Even the Potato and the Heptarchy will not leave us + perfectly equipped."--_The Daily News on "Why Young Men Don't + Marry."_] + + The Tater and the Heptarchy + Were walking hand-in-hand; + They wept like "first-night" Stalls to see + The folly of the land; + "If fools would not talk fiddlededee," + They said "it _would_ be grand!" + + "If modest maids with towzled mops + On _you_ and _me_ were clear, + Do you suppose," the Tater said, + "More men would wed each year?" + "I doubt it," said the Heptarchy-- + "They only mean to sneer! + + "'O Maidens, come and cook for us!' + They--shamming love--beseech. + 'Oh, tell us about Saxon times! + The course of history teach!' + But what they really want is 'tin;' + A thumping share for each. + + "A girl may cook like any _chef_, + And know all HALLAM through, + May be a dab at darning socks, + Or making Irish stew; + But what young cubs care for is cash, + And not for me _or_ you. + + "They want to lead an easy life, + And have good weeds and wine. + Without these luxuries, a wife + They scornfully decline. + For _Benedick's_ life of manly strife + The fops are far too fine." + + "The Season's come," the Tater said, + "To write of many things: + Of frocks--and socks--and needle-work-- + And babes--and bonnet-strings; + But all the lot talk utter rot. + Let the fools have their flings! + + "Their jibes at girls, their games, their curls, + Their wastefulness, their waist, + Their yearnings to hook Dukes and Earls, + Their matrimonial haste, + Are the crude chat of cubs and churls, + And in the vilest taste. + + "But when they prate of you and me, + As the two gifts _they_ want, + Say Classic lore and Cookery + Are things for which _they_ pant; + Believe me, my dear Heptarchy, + They plumb profoundest Cant!" + + * * * * * + +SEA-SIDE ILLS. + +(_BY OUR MAN OVER-BORED._) + +SEA-SIDYLL--THE PIER BAND. + +[Illustration] + + 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- + And it plays on that body's pier; + And one knows by the way + That the instruments play, + That the talent is not too dear. + And the trombone is not too clear; + When it has to play quick + It is moistful and thick, + For the trombone is fond of beer-- + It is nurtured on pots of beer. + + 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- + And the cornet is fat just here; + And he's short, and bull-necked. + When you come to reflect + How he wastes all his wind, 'tis queer + That the man should be stout just here! + But the noise of the throat + In the solos denote + That the cornet is fond of beer-- + It's been brought up on pots of beer. + + 'Tis the Band of the Corporation-- + And I know why that Band is queer, + For I see in the face + Of the trombone a trace + Of the blackguard who blows it near + Me in Town, at most times of year! + And I mark, too, the face + Of that beastly big-bass-- + (Which has also been reared on beer)-- + And I know, too, the face + Of that other disgrace, + The fat cornet! They've come down here-- + They've been borrowed, and lent new gear! + + But I know them of old, + And in spite of the gold + Round the hats, with the peaks just here, + I can see who they are while near. + They wear bowlers in Town, + And frock-coats which are brown, + On account of their age--or beer! + For they play to the public for beer; + For they stand and they blow + On the kerb in a row, + And then go to the public for beer! + And so this is the Band down here! + + * * * * * + +"THREE CHOIRS FESTIVAL."--Curious coincidence, if true, that when Miss +JESSIE KING was charmingly giving the contralto song, "_While my Watch +I'm Keeping_," a gentleman in the crowded audience suddenly put his +hand to his waistcoat-pocket and exclaimed, "Good gracious! it's +gone!" He will never forget the title of that song. The watch was off +its guard. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +103, SEPTEMBER 17, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 15332.txt or 15332.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15332 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/15332.zip b/15332.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..141c538 --- /dev/null +++ b/15332.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1cfeda --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #15332 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15332) |
