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diff --git a/15330-h/15330-h.htm b/15330-h/15330-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebd0b71 --- /dev/null +++ b/15330-h/15330-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2494 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%} + p.ctr {text-align: center;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May +9, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: March 11, 2005 [eBook #15330]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917***</p> +<br /><br /><h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 9, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all + the Royal Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The + original plan of protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving + the Front further West has been definitely abandoned.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i> informs us that the late + BISSING was a "veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is + wondering who started this scandal.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the + Mercantile Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the + official figures that the Press has been clamouring for, the + bread tickets will come none too soon.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by + hand on a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients + appear to take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even + been understood to suggest that it seems rather a waste of + milk.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates + responsibility for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch + village of Zierikzee, on the ground that, notwithstanding + repeated warnings to abandon the unneutral practice, the + village persisted in looking like a portion of the Isle of + Wight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army. + Our own military authorities, on the other hand, declare that + it would be unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive + genius of the young soldier has so much scope.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their + wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity + behind their dadoes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre + tickets several lifelong supporters of the British drama have + already requested leading managers to take their names off the + free list.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that + for two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to + catch a certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in + securing it. We understand that the trout died with a smile on + his face.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America + seems to be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York + the other day only three of the spectators were injured.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated + that he was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as + cashier and costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean + and made himself generally useful." It is just as well that + they added the last item, or people might have thought he was + one of those slackers we hear to much about.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising + his position and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN + PRINCE GEORGE. It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN + PRINCE GEORGE will abdicate.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week + for pearls. It is thought that official action will have to be + taken to combat the belief, widely held in munition-making + circles, that pearls dissolved in champagne are beneficial to + the complexion.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals," + writes a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We + appreciate this generous attempt to shield his superiors, but + cling to our belief that the worst criminals are still a good + way behind the German lines.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA, + has just been married. The bride has promised to obey him.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide + to declare peace on America.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire + cheese is as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to + state whether these cheeses make good pets and are fond of + children.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers' + Association, and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the + paper supply Mr. CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he + will not write more than two novels per week.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to + accept "substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a + London <i>café</i>, asked if they had any prussic acid, + and, when told that they never kept it, remarked, "Very well. + Bring me a pork pie."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia + Field Force. No request was forwarded for flies.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Dealing with IBSEN'S <i>Ghosts</i> at the Kingsway Theatre, + the critic of a halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a + "medley of weird psychopathy and symbolism." Just as if he were + writing for a penny paper.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for + "masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are + now getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the + new regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in + the past have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run + over by motor cars will be hard hit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the + Slate Club Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this + year.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/297.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297.png" + alt="NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE TO-NIGHT." /> + </a> + + <p>"NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE + TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT + FEET."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <h2>STOMACH FOR THE FIGHT.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O not because my taste for bread</p> + + <p class="i2">Tended to make me much too stout,</p> + + <p>And all the leading doctors said</p> + + <p class="i2">I should be better far without;</p> + + <p>Not that my health may be more rude,</p> + + <p class="i2">More svelte my rounded style of + beauty,</p> + + <p>I sacrifice this staple food—</p> + + <p class="i2">But from a sense of duty!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I "can no other" when I think</p> + + <p class="i2">Of how the Hun, docile and meek,</p> + + <p>Suffers his ravenous maw to shrink,</p> + + <p class="i2">And only strikes, say, once a week;</p> + + <p>If he for all these months has stood</p> + + <p class="i2">The sorry fare they feed the brute + on,</p> + + <p>I hope that I can be as good</p> + + <p class="i2">A patriot as your Teuton.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Henceforth I spurn the dear delight</p> + + <p class="i2">That went so well with jam or cheese;</p> + + <p>No turn of mine shall wear the white</p> + + <p class="i2">Flour of a shameless life of ease;</p> + + <p>Others may pass one loaf in three,</p> + + <p class="i2">Some rather more than that, and some + less,</p> + + <p>But I—the only course for me—</p> + + <p class="i2">Go absolutely crumbless.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, when I quit this mortal strife,</p> + + <p class="i2">Men on my grave these lines shall + score:—</p> + + <p>"Much as he loved the Staff of Life</p> + + <p class="i2">He loved his country even more;</p> + + <p>He needed no compelling ban;</p> + + <p class="i2">England, in fact, had but to ask it,</p> + + <p>And he surrendered, like a man,</p> + + <p class="i2">The claims of his bread-basket."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="ctr">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>DIPLOMATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p>The Latin-American situation remains obscure. According to + advices from Archangel, Paraguay intends to act, though + curiously enough a strange cloud of silence hangs over recent + (and coming) events in Ecuador. Bolivia has decided to + construct a fleet, despite the fact that the absence of a + seaboard is being made a reason for sinister opposition in + pro-German circles. Patagonia has mobilised both her soldiers, + but her gun is still under repair.</p> + + <p>Panagua has declared war on Germany. It is hard to + over-estimate the value of this new adhesion to the Allied + cause. The standing army is well over six hundred strong, and + there is a small but modern fleet, consisting of two revenue + cutters, one super skiff, eight canoes (mounted with two pairs + of six-inch oars) and one raft (Benamuckee class). The + President, in a moving address to the Panaguan Senate, + declared, "The world is watching Panagua; it does not watch in + vain." Señora Hysterica, the first woman senator, cast + the only vote against war. "I cannot," she sobbed.</p> + + <p>Things are moving in Mexico. General CARRANZA has summoned a + mass-meeting of ex-Presidents to consider the situation, and a + counter-demonstration by the Brigands' Trade Union Congress is + feared. Even as far north as Greenland the repercussion may be + felt. Here, owing to the new régime of blubber-cards, + Eskimo opinion is in a very nervous state. Indeed, according to + an inspired semi-official utterance by Prince Bowo, the Siamese + Deputy Vice-Consul at Fez, it is not too much to say that + almost anything may, or may not, happen in this Arctic + quarter.</p> + + <p>The outlook in Palestine is dark. Strict-silence is enforced + in all public places, and even whispering is forbidden at + street corners. More than two-thirds of the population are + spies. Relatives are only allowed to speak to each other if + granted a special licence or talking-ticket by the + Sheikh-ul-Islam, though there is a special dispensation for + mothers-in-law. The reported mobilization of eighty goats on + Mount Tabor shows pretty clearly which way the wind is blowing; + whilst it is persistently rumoured in Joppa that five camels + were seen passing through Jerusalem yesterday. Suspicious + dredging operations in the Dead Sea are also reported by a + Berne correspondent. The future is big with presage.</p> + + <p>All eyes are fixed on the two great African Powers which + still stand aside from the maelström of war. The position + in Ethiopia is, to say the least of it, tendentious, and at any + moment the natives may change their skin. The coronation of the + new Empress of Abyssinia is being followed as usual by the + great Feast of the Blue Umbrella, at which an important + pronouncement is, I learn, to be made. I hear, moreover (from a + private source in Trondhjem, <i>viâ</i> Mecca and + Amsterdam), that Wady-ul-Dzjinn, the new Premier, and a staunch + pro-Ally, is expected to speak with no uncertain voice. + Unfortunately serious liquorice riots have broken out in the + capital, and these are being cunningly used by German agents to + turn popular discontent against the Allies. Fräulein von + Schlimm, a niece by marriage of the acting Montenegrin Envoy, + is accused of purposely hoarding five hundred sticks of + "Spanish" so as to aggravate the crisis. The usually reliable + correspondent of <i>The Salt Lake City Morning Pioneer</i> + telegraphs (<i>viâ</i> Tomsk) that she only escaped + lynching by distributing her treasure to the mob.</p> + + <p>In a similar way economic issues are determining the + attitude of Thibet. Prices in Lhassa are rising fabulously. The + new Food Controller is endeavouring to grapple with the + situation, and the yak ration has again been reduced. It + behoves British diplomacy to see that the ensuing discontent is + not turned into Germanophil currents. Where is our Foreign + Office? What is being done? We are in the third year of the War + and yet, while the German Minister is distributing free + arrowroot to the populace, Whitehall slumbers on. It may be + nothing to our mandarins that a full platoon was added to the + Thibetan field-strength only last week, and that the Government + dinghy is already watertight.</p> + + <p><i>Later</i>. Paraguay's attitude is now defined as one of + Stark Neutrality. Patagonia has increased her army by fifty per + cent. The new recruit promises to make an excellent fighting + unit.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h3> + + <p>Mr. Punch begs to call attention to a Great Lottery of + Paintings, Drawings, Sculptures, etc., by many of the chief + British artists of the day and of earlier schools, which is + being organised, by licence of the Board of Trade, in aid of + the St. Dunstan's Hostels for Blinded Soldiers and Sailors. + These works of art (including many by Mr. Punch's artists) will + be exhibited at the Bazaar which is being held this week at the + Royal Albert Hall in aid of the same splendid cause. After May + 10th they may be seen at the Chenil Galleries. Tickets for the + Lottery (5<i>s.</i>) are to be obtained from Mr. Kineton + Parkes, The Chenil Galleries, 183A, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W. + The drawing of the Lottery Prizes will take place on July 10th + at St. Dunstan's Hostel, Regent's Park.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Punch also commends to his kind readers the claims of + "Lamp Day," which is to be celebrated in London on Friday, May + 11th, and in the suburbs on May 12th, the birthday of FLORENCE + NIGHTINGALE. The proceeds are to be divided between the Women's + Service Bureau, which registers and trains women for national + employment, and the Scottish Women's Hospitals, whose London + units are doing gallant work with the Serbian division of the + Russian Army in Roumania. Each of these is a cause that would + have appealed to the heart of the "Lady of the Lamp," devoted + pioneer of Women's Service both at home and in the field. Those + who live outside the Metropolitan area are begged to send a + little money to the Hon. Treasurer of Lamp Day, Lady COWDRAY, + 16, Carlton House Terrace, S.W. Cheques and Postal Orders to be + crossed "London County and Westminster Bank, Victoria + Branch."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="DONNERWETTER." /></a> + + <h3>DONNERWETTER.</h3> + + <p>HINDENBURG: "WHICHEVER COMES OUT, IT'S ROTTEN WEATHER + FOR ME!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/300.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300.png" + alt="I WON'T 'ARF GIVE 'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER—LEARNIN' 'ER BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Lidy</i> (<i>referring to Court Rival</i>). "I WON'T + 'ARF GIVE 'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER—LEARNIN' 'ER + BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST MY DOOR SUCKIN' + <i>SUGAR</i>—LIKE BLINKIN' PLUTERCRATS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TOLD TO THE MARINES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells</p> + + <p class="i2">O' 'Is Majesty's Marine</p> + + <p>Told in the mess 'bout seven bells—</p> + + <p>'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot;</p> + + <p>An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's + not,</p> + + <p class="i2">But it easily might 'ave been.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'Twas in the fust few months o' the War,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' the vessel wot I was on</p> + + <p>Was layin' a couple of cables from shore;</p> + + <p>I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat</p> + + <p>To get some thread for the skipper's coat</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide,</p> + + <p class="i2">And feeling a trifle queer,</p> + + <p>When somethin' grated agin the side;</p> + + <p>I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead;</p> + + <p>'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said,</p> + + <p class="i2">'It must 'ave bin all that beer.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When suddenly close on my starboard beam,</p> + + <p class="i2">With scarcely a foot between</p> + + <p>(I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream),</p> + + <p>Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake</p> + + <p>Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a big 'Un submarine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like shootin' a sittin' 'en,</p> + + <p>For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark</p> + + <p>With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' + clear—</p> + + <p>Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near,</p> + + <p class="i2">If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I saw 'is cruel little eye</p> + + <p class="i2">A-swivellin' stem to starn;</p> + + <p>'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,'</p> + + <p>So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit</p> + + <p>And lashed it fast in place with a bit,</p> + + <p>Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a + stone,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which wos all that the blighter could + do,</p> + + <p>An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone;</p> + + <p>I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck,</p> + + <p>An' I told 'im the truth in every respec'</p> + + <p class="i2">The same as I'm tellin' you.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down</p> + + <p class="i2">Till I felt my cheeks go warm,</p> + + <p>For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is + frown;</p> + + <p>Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap;</p> + + <p>'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap?</p> + + <p class="i2">Do you call that uniform?.'</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which is wot she 'as always bin,</p> + + <p>You may do your dooty as well as me,</p> + + <p>But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same</p> + + <p>Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which is Service Discipline."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Our Polygamists.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and + orchids."—<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" + id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/301.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/301.png" + alt="WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST." /></a> + + <h3>WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.</h3> + + <p>POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL + TO PLEAD FOR EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>DOCKING THE DRAMA.</h3> + + <p>It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for + restricting the consumption of artificial illuminant, the + authorities propose drastically to curtail the duration of + theatrical entertainments. Should this prove to be the case, we + venture to anticipate certain further regulations that may + shortly be added to those already printed upon the + programmes:—</p> + + <p>(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the + two-and-a-half hours' traffic of the stage to one + hour-and-a-half. With this purpose it is enacted + that—</p> + + <p>(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the + commencement of the action will be permitted in the dialogue. + All such particulars as may be essential to an understanding of + the plot must be legibly printed upon the programmes.</p> + + <p>(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in + quitting the stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden + (provided always that nothing in this section shall apply to + the case of an actor-manager when surrendering heroine to + youthful rival).</p> + + <p>(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be + instantly suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.</p> + + <p>(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one + illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to + exceed three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.</p> + + <p>In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us + with the following scale of allowances and restrictions under a + new clause of the Defence of the Realm Act:—</p> + + <p>DRAMA.—The duration of the employment of limelight in + Drama may be as follows:—</p> + + <p>During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one + beam for a reasonable period not to exceed one minute.</p> + + <p>For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two + minutes; supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent + to same.</p> + + <p>Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam, + two-and-a-half minutes.</p> + + <p>FARCE AND COMEDY.—It is regretted that, in view of the + situation, no allowances of limelight can at present be + sanctioned.</p> + + <p>MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.—Patriotic or Hortatory Songs + may be accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance + for encore verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be + supported by a recommendation from the particular Government + Department, War Office. Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, + extolled in the proposed ballad.)</p> + + <p>Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of + (apparently) two full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of + reduced candle-power, thus combining realism with economy.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Mysteries of Arboriculture.</h4> + + <p>From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Practise thinning in the winter time and + head back in the summer. A tree can be kept bearing + practically regular crops. Of course, it is impossible to + keep any tree bearing practically regular crops, but, of + course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing a full + crop regularly. Wonders can be done by this system of + pruning."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We can well believe this.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 + figs. 1s. 6d. net."—"<i>Times" Literary + Supplement</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth + the money.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" + id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span> + + <h2>HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE.</h2> + + <p>Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how + to solve the food problem than other papers are.</p> + + <p>The following six letters have been selected with care from + some thousand and three received during the week. The others + are at the service of any enterprising editor, or Lord + DEVONPORT can have them if he will send a waggon to take them + away. They should make pleasant week-end reading.</p> + + <p class="ctr">AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION.</p> + + <p>SIR,—What we plain men want to know and what we are + entitled to know is—What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What + does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat? What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It + would make a vast difference to the success of the food + campaign if each of these administrators was visible at his + meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a prominent + shop window should be taken for each, and they should have + their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br /> + COMMON SENSE.</p> + + <p class="ctr">THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR.</p> + + <p>SIR,—If the Food Economy posters were more carefully + thought out the trick would be done. I suggest, for example, + something really pithy and witty, such as—</p> + + <table summary="Eat-less Days" + align="center" + border="2" + cellpadding="16"> + <tr> + <td> + <h4>IT IS NOT ENOUGH</h4> + + <h5>FOR</h5> + + <h4>ONE OR TWO DAYS</h4> + + <h5>TO BE</h5> + + <h3>MEATLESS DAYS.</h3> + + <h5>YOU SHOULD SEE</h5> + + <h4>THAT ALL DAYS</h4> + + <h5>ARE</h5> + + <h3>EAT-LESS DAYS.</h3> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + + <p>Something like that would soon drive the fear of England + into the [unprintable word] Germans.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br /> + DOWNRIGHT.</p> + + <p class="ctr">TO MASTER THE ROLLS.</p> + + <p>SIR,—My experience is that all rolls are too big. I + personally can get through a meal comfortably with only half + the fat roll that is automatically put before me at most of the + restaurants. Let Lord DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the + size, and the difference both in consumption and waste will be + enormous. At a dinner-party which I attended the other evening, + not, Sir, a hundred miles from your own office, the excessive + size of the rolls was the subject of much comment. No one + should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread. It should + be doled out in the smallest doses.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br /> + OBSERVER.</p> + + <p class="ctr">THE USE OF ABUSE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—The real trouble with the food economy campaign + is that ordinary people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got + into the habit of not believing the daily papers, do not + realise what their enemy and the chief enemy of the country at + this moment is—I mean the German submarine. In order to + get this fact into their intelligence I suggest that free + classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which, + instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!" + and so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U) + boat!" in every dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young + might also be thus instructed.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br /> + FAR SIGHTED.</p> + + <p class="ctr">WRIT SARCASTIC.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I have an infallible plan for diminishing the + consumption of good food, at any rate among Members of the + Government. Let them give up all other forms of nutriment and + eat their own words. The PRIME MINISTER might begin. I am,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br /> + ORGANISED OPPOSITION.</p> + + <p class="ctr">"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I am told that there are people so lost to shame + that they are still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and + all the other appeals to their patriotism, eating as usual. I + suggest that they be branded as the "Alimentary Canaille."</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, etc.,<br /> + DISGUSTED.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best + speeches in the moist manner."—<i>British + Weekly</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry + speakers.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon. + member should have thought it worth while to make a point + of that sort. Surely he knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium + facit perse.'"—<i>The Times</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The maxim seems to have jammed.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War + Cabinet is both executive and consultative, its functions + being regulated by the nature of the subject of the Bandman + Opera Coy.'"—<i>The Empire</i> (<i>Calcutta</i>).</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its + advertised programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we + feel confident that Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TROOP HORSES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Through lingering long months idle</p> + + <p class="i2">They have kept you ready and fit,</p> + + <p>All shining from hock to bridle,</p> + + <p class="i2">All burnished from hoof to bit;</p> + + <p>The set of your silk coat's beauty,</p> + + <p class="i2">The lie of its lightest hair,</p> + + <p>Was an anxious trooper's duty</p> + + <p class="i2">And a watchful captain's care.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Not the keenest eye could discover</p> + + <p class="i2">The sign of the sloth on you,</p> + + <p>From the last mane-lock laid over</p> + + <p class="i2">To the last nail tight in the shoe;</p> + + <p>A blast, and your ranks stood ready;</p> + + <p class="i2">A shout, and your saddles filled;</p> + + <p>A wave, and your troop was ready</p> + + <p class="i2">To wheel where the leaders willed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fine-drawn and fit to the buckle!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Was your confident Colonel's pride,</p> + + <p>And the faith of the lads—"Our luck'll</p> + + <p class="i2">Come back when the Spring winds + ride;"</p> + + <p>And, dropping their quaint oaths drolly,</p> + + <p class="i2">They dragged their spurs in the mire,</p> + + <p>Till the Western Front woke slowly</p> + + <p class="i2">And they won to their hearts' desire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They loose you now to the labours</p> + + <p class="i2">That the needs of the hour reveal,</p> + + <p>And you carry the proud old sabres</p> + + <p class="i2">To cross with a tarnished steel;</p> + + <p>So, steady—and keep position—</p> + + <p class="i2">And stout be your hearts to-day,</p> + + <p>As you shoulder the old tradition</p> + + <p class="i2">And charge in the ancient way!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="ctr">W.H.O.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MORE ZOO NOTES.</h3> + + <p>Raw sugar, Captain BATHURST states, cannot be sold on + account of the presence of the sugar louse. It is thought that + Mr. POCOCK, who has so successfully brought the Zoo's rations + into conformity with war conditions, might probably persuade + the animal to live on hemp seed.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"Changes in the Zoo's dietary," says Mr. POCOCK, "were + effected without difficulty." The rumour that the hippopotamus + demanded a pailful of jam with its mangel-wurzels, in the + belief that they were some kind of homoeopathic pill, appears + to have been baseless.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>In order to assist the many fine specimens of moth in the + Insect House, it is reported that several actor-managers owning + fur coats have offered them a good home.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The birds of paradise are no longer fed on beetroot. Since + the all-red root has been denied them they protest against + being called birds of paradise, and wish to be known simply as + "birds."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" + id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/303.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/303.png" + alt="OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS" /></a> + + <h3>OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS;</h3>OR, THE RECRUIT THAT WAS + PASSED AT THE THIRTEENTH EXAMINATION. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page304" + id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/304.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/304.png" + alt="'USH, GINGER—YOU'LL GIVE THE TOWN A BAD NAME." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Private Saunders</i> (<i>whose battalion, having been + sent back from the front line for "rest," is compelled to + spend the night in the street, its billets being still + occupied by other troops—to cheery pal, who breaks + into song</i>). "'USH, GINGER—YOU'LL GIVE THE TOWN A + BAD NAME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WHITEHALL WHISPERINGS.</h2> + + <p class="ctr">(<i>With apologies to the seers of the Sunday + papers</i>.)</p> + + <p>A great port was swathed in bunting last week. I was there, + but I must not say what caused this outburst of enthusiasm. But + even the Censor can scarcely forbid my hinting that it was + connected with a naval success of peculiar brilliance which + must be suppressed because we wish to keep the Bosches + guessing.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Who was in Switzerland when he was regularly reported as + being in attendance at War Council meetings? Who was actually + supposed to have addressed a public meeting in England when in + reality he was hundreds of miles away? I make no statement; I + merely write the word "Austria." To those who understand it + will be enough.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Have you noticed that for some weeks we have had no news + from the Port of Danzig? I draw no deduction, but do not be + surprised to hear in a few weeks that the Port of Danzig has + ceased to exist.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is grave trouble at Scotland Yard. A Hun Colonel + captured at Arras was found to have in his pocket a receipted + bill from a London hotel of the previous week's date. It would + surprise you very much if I told you at which hotel "Mr. + Perkins" stayed and what guests he entertained there.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Why did the Liberian envoy call at the Foreign Office six + times last week? His explanation, offered to an inquiring + Pressman, that he had lost an umbrella, was naive, to say the + least. I must not betray what I know, but I may hint that KING + FERDINAND of Bulgaria is famous for the devious ways in which + he carries on negotiations.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A neutral diplomatist of considerable importance has never + taken a holiday since the War began, and has always told his + friends that he will never leave his post till peace comes. On + an afternoon this week he was seen with beaming face buying a + travelling rug and two portable trunks at one of London's + largest emporia. I wonder—yes, I wonder.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>[<i>The Editor</i>. You are not very spicy this week.</p> + + <p><i>The Contributor</i>. Nor would you be if you had been + confined to the house at Peckham Rye with influenza. Better + work next week. I have an appointment to lunch with a member of + the National Liberal Club and shall get right to the heart of + things.]</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Extract from Army Orders at the Front:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"A C. of E. Chaplain will shortly join the + Heavy Artillery. Please make arrangements for him to be + accommodated in the —— Heavy Battery Horse + Lines."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>The nearest thing that could be got, we suppose, to a + Canon's stall.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"As approved up to date, the bread ticket + will comprise four squares, each entitling the holder to + purchase two ounces of bread; or, by presenting the whole + ticket, two quartern loaves of 4 lb. + each."—<i>Birmingham Daily Mail</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. Punch, though yielding in patriotism to no one, has + already decided to present the whole ticket.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a letter by "Retired Diplomat" on "Maize + Bread":—</p> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>"To obtain this result the hard yellow husk must be + separated from the soft white core, as does the parrot, and + the latter alone retained for baking + purposes."—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>As in these days no means of increasing the supply of + food-stuffs should be neglected, we have much pleasure in + passing on "Retired Diplomat's" suggestion to the authorities + of the Zoo. Personally we prefer Cockatoo <i>en + casserole</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" + id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/305.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/305.png" + alt="THE PRICE OF VICTORY." /></a> + + <h3>THE PRICE OF VICTORY.</h3>"WELL, OLD GIRL, IF WE CAN'T + DO THAT MUCH, WE DON'T DESERVE TO WIN." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, April 30th.</i>—After this week Newmarket + will be "a blasted heath," for all horse-racing is to be + stopped. Irish Members could hardly believe the dreadful news. + What are the hundred thousand young men who refuse to for their + country to do with their spare time?</p> + + <p>Scotch Members, on the contrary, were rather pleased. Mr. + DUNCAN MILLAR, whose desire to deprive his countrymen of their + national beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of + their national food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats + for high-mettled racers would mean more "parritch" for humble + constituents.</p> + + <p>There never was a dockyard Member who more faithfully + fulfilled the House of Commons' conception of the type than Sir + CLEMENT KINLOCH-COOKE. In a comparatively short Parliamentary + career he must have already cost the country a pretty penny in + extra pay and pensions to the "mateys" and "matlows" of + Devonport. Latterly he has given the Admiralty a rest and has + devoted himself to strafing the Home Office for its alleged + tenderness to the Conscientious Objectors lodged at + Princetown—a race of sturdy beggars, according to his + account, who live like fighting-cocks, do next to no work, get + leave periodically to air their eloquence at pacifist meetings, + and, worst of all, invade his constituency in their leisure + hours. Mr. SHIRLEY BENN, who represents the neighbouring + borough of Plymouth, supported this indictment, and added the + amazing detail that one of the Princetown pacifists was an + ex-pugilist.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page306" + id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/306-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/306-1.png" + alt="THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE." /> + </a>THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE. + + <p><i>The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND</i> (<i>together</i>). + "AFTER YOU, SIR."</p> + </div> + + <p>Invited to select from the 670 members of the House the two + men least likely to engage in personal violence I should have + thought myself safe in choosing Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD and Mr. + JOSEPH KING. The former is so devoted to animals that he would + not turn upon a worm; the thought of bloodshed so shocks the + latter that he welcomes any suggestion of peace however + illusory. But, when Mr. KING described a proposal of Sir + GEORGE'S as "infected with Prussianism," that gallant knight + promptly invited him to repeat his language outside the House; + and Mr. KING, nothing daunted, declared his readiness "to meet + the hon. Member where he likes and with whatever weapons he + likes." If the meeting had come off it is believed that Blue + Books at forty yards would have been the choice; but, happily, + peace was soon afterwards restored.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, May 1st.</i>—Some of our super-patriots + have no luck. Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS, having discovered that the + British Vice-Consul at Riga was a gentleman with the suspicious + name of WISKEMANN, thought that he had got hold of a sure + thing—not the whole Hidden Hand, perhaps, but certainly + one of the phalanges. And then down came Lord ROBERT CECIL with + the information that the gentleman in question was not only + British-born but was a product of Wellington and Cambridge, and + a public servant in whom the Foreign Office had the utmost + confidence. "Foiled again," muttered HICKS to JOYNSON, "but a + time will come!"</p> + + <p>Like the retired soap-boiler who always looked in on + melting-days Lord HARCOURT could not resist the attraction of + the Office of Works' Vote. He never displayed his ability more + signally than in the rapidity and ease with which he used as + First Commissioner to get his Estimates through the House. It + was a treat to hear him poking fun at the bores, demolishing + the captious and humouring the serious critics of his + administration. His present successor goes about his business + in a more stolid way. In his hands the rapier has become a + ploughshare. At first the few Members who stayed to listen + found him <i>Le Mond qui nous ennuie</i>, but he woke them up + later with the startling announcement that he can, if he likes, + with a stroke of the pen remove the ladies' grille, and admit + the fair visitors to a full view of the House, and, what is + more important, admit the House to a full view of the fair + visitors. For the moment, I gather, he means to hold his hand, + pending full consideration of all the changes that such a + revolution may involve. Besides, the SPEAKER may have to be + consulted, although up to the present he has exhibited no + desire to rush in where angels—bless them!—love to + tread.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/306-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/306-2.png" + alt="THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A RICH PRIZE." /> + </a>THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A + RICH PRIZE. + </div> + + <p><i>Wednesday, May 2nd.</i>—Curiosity to hear Mr. BONAR + LAW'S first Budget-speech caused a full House. The Peers + attended in force, and among the distinguished strangers was + "Dr. JIM," a man of action who, as a rule, takes little + interest in the men of talk.</p> + + <p>The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER'S Budget statement was + praised by his predecessor for its ability and lucidity. + Personally, I thought rapidity was its most notable + characteristic. Unhampered by manuscript (save a couple of + sheets of notepaper containing a few of the principal figures) + and relying upon his exceptional memory, he rattled through his + thousand-million totals at such a pace that my panting pencil + toiled after him in vain. In seventy-five minutes by the clock + he spoke four solid columns of The Times.</p> + + <p>As we have failed to drink ourselves out of our + difficulties, for the Excise returns show a steady falling off, + we <span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" + id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span> are to do our bit towards + smoking ourselves out of them by paying 1<i>s.</i> + 10<i>d.</i> a pound more on our tobacco. This last impost + constitutes a real piece of self-denial on the CHANCELLOR'S + part, for he is much addicted to cigars both long and + strong, somewhat resembling those which enabled Mr. W.J. + TRAVIS to carry off the Amateur Golf Championship to + America.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, May 3rd.</i>—The secrets of the Budget + were so well kept that Mr. LAW himself forgot the most + important of them until to-day. In future it will be a case of + "one man (or woman) one dog," unless the owner is prepared to + pay on an ascending scale for his extra pets. In our fight with + Germany we must neglect no precaution however small. To get the + KAISER back to his kennel we will, if necessary, empty our own. + Doggedness is essential to victory, but not over-doggedness. + Then let us, in CALVERLEY'S phrase, "curtail the already + cur-tailed cur."</p> + <br clear="all" /> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/307.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/307.png" + alt="A CADET'S DAY." /></a><b>A CADET'S DAY.</b> + + <table summary="caption" + width="80%"> + <tr> + <td align="left">9 A.M.—SAD BAGS.</td> + + <td align="right">7 P.M.—GLAD RAGS.</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <hr /> + + <h3>A MINISTERIAL WAIL.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">["The most trenchant critics of the + Government since its formation have been Mr. PRINGLE and + Mr. HOGGE."—<i>British Weekly</i>].</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gipsy camping in a dingle</p> + + <p class="i2">I reckon as a lucky dog;</p> + + <p>He doesn't hear the voice of PRINGLE,</p> + + <p class="i2">He doesn't hear the snorts of HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The moujik crouching in his ingle</p> + + <p class="i2">Somewhere near Tomsk or Taganrog</p> + + <p>I envy; he is far from PRINGLE</p> + + <p class="i2">And equally remote from HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I find them deadly when they're single,</p> + + <p class="i2">But deadlier in the duologue,</p> + + <p>When the insufferable PRINGLE</p> + + <p class="i2">Backs the intolerable HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd rather walk for miles on shingle</p> + + <p class="i2">Or flounder knee-deep in a bog</p> + + <p>Than listen to a speech from PRINGLE</p> + + <p class="i2">Or hearken to the howls of HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Their tyrannous exactions mingle</p> + + <p class="i2">The vices of Kings Stork and Log;</p> + + <p>One day I give the palm to PRINGLE,</p> + + <p class="i2">The next I offer it to HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The style of <i>Mr. Alfred Jingle</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Was jumpy, but he did not clog</p> + + <p>His sense with woolly words, like PRINGLE,</p> + + <p class="i2">With priggish petulance, like HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'd love to see the <i>Bing Boys</i> bingle,</p> + + <p class="i2">To go to music-halls <i>incog.</i>,</p> + + <p>Instead of being posed by PRINGLE</p> + + <p class="i2">And heckled by the hateful HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My appetite is gone; I "pingle"</p> + + <p class="i2">(As Norfolk puts it) with my prog;</p> + + <p>My meals are marred by thoughts of PRINGLE,</p> + + <p class="i2">My sleep is massacred by HOGGE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O patriots, with your nerves a-tingle,</p> + + <p class="i2">With all your righteous souls agog,</p> + + <p>Will none of you demolish PRINGLE</p> + + <p class="i2">And utterly extinguish HOGGE?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OF MARGARINE: <i>C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le + beurre.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" + id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/308.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/308.png" + alt="I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Friend</i> (<i>to animal painter</i>). "I SAY, OLD + CHAP, YOU LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY."</p> + + <p><i>Artist</i>. "YES, I AM. I CAN'T DO A STROKE OF + WORK."</p> + + <p><i>Friend</i>. "ONE OF YOUR MEATLESS DAYS, IN FACT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>IN the long long-ago, Frobisher and I, assisted by a handful + of native troopers, kept the flag flying at M'Vini.</p> + + <p>We hoisted it to the top of a tree at sun-up, where it + remained, languidly flapping its tatters over leagues of + Central African bush till sun-set, when we hauled it down + again—an arduous life. After we had been at M'Vini about + six months, had shot everything worth shooting, and knew one + another's funny stories off by heart, Frobisher and I grew + bored with each other, hated in fact the sight, sound and mere + propinquity of each other, and, shutting ourselves up in our + separate huts, communicated only on occasions of the direct + necessity, and then by the curtest of official notes. Thus a + further three months dragged on.</p> + + <p>Then one red-hot afternoon came Frobisher's boy to my + wattle-and-dab, bearing a note.</p> + + <p>"Visitor approaching from S.W. got up like a May-Queen; + think it must be the KAISER. Lend me a bottle of whisky and + mount guard—must impress the blighter."</p> + + <p>I attached my last bottle of Scotch to the messenger and + sallied forth to mount a guard, none too easy a job, as the + Army had gone to celebrate somebody's birthday in the + neighbouring village. However, I discovered one remaining + trooper lying in the shade of a loquat-tree. He was + sick—dying, he assured me; but I persuaded him to + postpone his demise for at least half-an-hour, requisitioned + his physician (the local witch doctor) and two camp followers, + and, leaving my cook-boy to valet them, dashed to my hut to + make my own toilet. A glimpse through the cane mats five + minutes later showed me that our visitors had arrived.</p> + + <p>A fruity German officer in full gala rig (white gloves and + all) was cruising about on mule-back before our camp, trying to + discover whether it was inhabited or not. We let him cruise for + a quarter of an hour without taking any steps to enlighten him. + Then, at a given signal, Frobisher, caparisoned in every + fal-lal he could collect, issued from his hut, and I turned out + the improvised guard. A stirring spectacle; and it had the + desired effect, for the German afterwards admitted to being + deeply impressed, especially by the local wizard, who paraded + in his professional regalia, and, coming to cross-purposes with + his rifle, bayoneted himself and wept bitterly. The ceremonies + over and the casualty removed we adjourned to Frobisher's + <i>kya</i>, broached the whisky and sat about in solemn state, + stiff with accoutrements, sodden with perspiration. Our visitor + kept the Red, White and Black flying on a tree over the border, + he explained; this was his annual ceremonial call. He sighed + and brushed the sweat from his nose with the tips of a white + glove—"the weather was warm, <i>nicht wahr?</i>" I + admitted that we dabbled in flag-flying ourselves and that the + weather was all he claimed for it (which effort cost me about + four pounds in weight). Tongues lolling, flanks heaving, we + discussed the hut-tax, the melon crop, the monkey-nut market, + the nigger—and the weather again.</p> + + <p>Suddenly Frobisher sprang up, cast loose the shackles of his + Sam Browne, hurled it into a corner, and began tearing at his + tunic hooks. I stared at him in amazement—such manners + before visitors. But our immaculate guest leapt to his feet + with a roar like a freed lion, and, stripping his white gloves, + flung them after the Sam Browne, whereupon a fury of undressing + came upon us. Helmets, belts, tunics, shirts were piled into + the corner, until at length we stood in our underclothes, + laughing and unashamed. After that we got on famously, that + Teuton and we, and three days later, when he swarmed aboard his + mule and left home (in pyjamas this time) it was with real + regret we waved him farewell.</p> + + <p>But not for long. Within a month we were surprised by a hail + from the bush, and there was Otto, mule, pyjamas and all.</p> + + <p>"Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo!" he carolled. 'Ere gomes ze Sherman + invasion! Durn out ze guard!" He roared with laughter, fell off + his palfrey and bawled for his batman, who ambled up balancing + a square box on his woolly pate.</p> + + <p>His mother in Munich had sent him a case of Lion Brew, Otto + explained, so he had brought it along.</p> + + <p>We wassailed deep into that night and out the other side, + and we liked our Otto more than ever. We had plenty in common, + the same loneliness, fevers, climate, and niggers to wrestle + with; moreover he had been in England, and liked it; he smoked + a pipe; he washed. Also, as he privily confided to us in the + young hours of one morning, he had his doubts as to the + divinity of the KAISER, and was not quite convinced that + RICHARD STRAUSS had composed the music of the spheres.</p> + + <p>He was a bad Hun (which probably accounted for his presence + at the uttermost, hottermost edge of the ALL-HIGHEST'S + dominions), but a good fellow. Anyhow, we liked him, Frobisher + and I; liked his bull-mouthed laughter, his drinking songs and + full-blooded anecdotes, and, on the occasions of his frequent + visits, put our boredom from us, pretended to be on the most + affectionate terms, and even laughed uproariously at each + other's funny stories. Up at M'Vini, in the long long-ago, the + gleam of pyjamas amongst the loquats, and "'Ere gomes ze + Sherman invasion!" booming through the bush, became a signal + for general good-will.</p> + + <p>In the fulness of time Otto went home on leave, and, shortly + afterwards, the world blew up.</p> + + <p>And now I have met him again, a sodden, muddy, bloody, + shrunken, saddened Otto, limping through a snowstorm in the + custody of a Canadian Corporal. He was the survivor of a + rear-guard, the Canuck explained, and had "scrapped like a bag + of wild-cats" until knocked out by a rifle butt. As for Otto + himself, he hadn't much to say; he looked old, cold, sick and + infinitely disgusted. He had always been a poor Hun.</p> + + <p>Only once did he show a gleam of + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" + id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span> his ancient form of those + old hot, happy, pyjama days on the Equator.</p> + + <p>A rabble of prisoners—Jägers, Grenadiers, Uhlans, + what-nots—came trudging down the road, an unshorn, + dishevelled herd of cut-throats, propelled by a brace of + diminutive kilties, who paused occasionally to treat them to + snatches of flings and to hoot triumphantly.</p> + + <p>Otto regarded his fallen compatriots with disgusted + lack-lustre eyes, then turning to me with a ghost of his old + smile, "'Ere gomes ze Sherman invasion," said he.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>CAUTIONARY TALES FOR THE ARMY.</h3> + + <h4>II.</h4> + + <p>(<i>Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence, who was slightly + wounded through a lack of a proper sense of the rights of + rank.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Second-Lieutenant Humphrey Spence</p> + + <p>Had no idea of precedence;</p> + + <p>To him his Colonel was no more</p> + + <p>Than any other messroom bore;</p> + + <p>And he would try to make a pal</p> + + <p>Not merely of a General,</p> + + <p>But even a horrified non-com</p> + + <p>He'd greet with "Tiddly-om-pom-pom!"</p> + + <p>Although in other ways quite nice,</p> + + <p>He was perverted by this vice.</p> + + <p>For instance, once he had to tea</p> + + <p>A private in the A.S.C.,</p> + + <p>And asked to meet him Cathcart-Crewe,</p> + + <p>A Major in the Horse Guards Blue.</p> + + <p>Too frequently did it occur</p> + + <p>That, when a senior officer</p> + + <p>Was with him, he would up and take</p> + + <p>Salutes from privates. Why, he'd shake</p> + + <p>Even Sir DOUGLAS by the hand</p> + + <p>And say, "Old chap, you're doing grand."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This sort of thing caused some distress</p> + + <p>Among the members of his mess.</p> + + <p>He often took the Colonel's chair;</p> + + <p>He often flourished in the air</p> + + <p>His water-glass (when wine was scanty),</p> + + <p>And shouted, "Cheero, Adjutanty!"</p> + + <p>You see, he simply had no sense</p> + + <p>Of military precedence.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His regiment went out to France</p> + + <p>To help a general advance.</p> + + <p>Now in a minute they must hop</p> + + <p>Like billy-o across the top.</p> + + <p>Amid the din the Colonel said,</p> + + <p>"It will be hellish overhead.</p> + + <p>Machine-guns will let loose a jet</p> + + <p>Of bullets on the parapet;</p> + + <p>We'll meet a burst of rifle fire,</p> + + <p>And, as for shells, I don't desire</p> + + <p>To see in so confined a space</p> + + <p>A thicker lot than we shall face.</p> + + <p>Now, gentlemen, attend, I pray—</p> + + <p>When we attack, I lead the way!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now wouldn't anyone concur,</p> + + <p>Saying at once, "With pleasure, Sir!"</p> + + <p>Nor with undisciplined delight</p> + + <p>Baulk the good Colonel of his right?</p> + + <p>Not so young Spence. The moment came,</p> + + <p>And, heedless of the cries of "Shame!"</p> + + <p>He never offered <i>once</i> to wait</p> + + <p>Until the Colonel, more sedate,</p> + + <p>Had scrambled o'er the parapet,</p> + + <p>But got there first—and promptly met</p> + + <p>A bullet.... <i>Folk who arrogate</i></p> + + <p><i>The privileges of the great</i></p> + + <p><i>Must take what ills thereto attach</i></p> + + <p>(The Colonel never got a scratch).</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/309.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/309.png" + alt="OH, ALFRED—THE POTATO-PATCH!" /></a> + + <p><i>Distracted Wife</i>. "OH, ALFRED—THE + POTATO-PATCH!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"Kamerad!"</h4> + + <p>"Baby Girl, 18 months, will surrender entirely to good + home."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"The Archdeacon of Stow thought it was a + good maxim not to argue with the huntsmen while shooting + the rabbits, and moved the previous + question."—<i>Morning Post</i>.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>If you want a real argument with a huntsman (of the + ante-bellum type) you should try shooting a fox.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Consecutive paragraphs from <i>The Continental Daily + Mail</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p class="note">"Mr. Arthur J. Balfour, like President + Wilson, is an ardent golfer. He has challenged Mr. Wilson + to a match, and the President of the United States + immediately took him up. The match will be played in a few + days.</p> + + <p class="note">"'Every able-bodied man and woman found + golfing at the present time should be taken by the scruff + of the neck and made to do some work of national + importance,' said Mr. Waldie at the Edinburgh Parish + Council."</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>So that's that.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" + id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span> + + <h2>SCHOOL.</h2> + + <p>During the past week there has taken place, almost without + our knowledge, a great migration of boys. From their homes, out + on to the roads and railways, has been pouring a flood of big + boys, middle-sized boys, small boys, old boys, new boys, all + tending towards the various schools where they are supposed to + make all the best parts of human knowledge their own and to + live a life of dignified abstraction from the troubles of the + world, in the midst of their own <i>argot</i> and their own + special traditions.</p> + + <p>Of the big boys and the middle-sized boys I have little to + say. They are already imbued, if one may say so, with the + influence of their school, and can hold their own with the + masters and their fellow-boys. Much as they enjoy their + holidays, they show no undue reluctance to take up again the + burden of their studies at a place which they will afterwards + consider as having given them some of the happiest days of + their lives. Many of them indeed are already or are in process + of becoming the trusted coadjutors of the headmaster and his + colleagues in the work of maintaining good order and discipline + in the school. They are monitors—tremendous + word!—or prefects or præpostors, and their <i>mitis + sapientia</i>, no less than their muscular strength, causes + them to be feared and venerated.</p> + + <p>Of such awful beings one must not speak lightly lest some + terrific fate reserved for scoffers overtake one. No, my + concern at present is rather with the little boys who have gone + up for the first time to their preparatory school, those + forlorn scraps of humanity who are beginning a life entirely + new to them in all its details. Hitherto, except for visits to + the seaside with their parents and family, they have not spent + a night away from home. Now they are separated from their + parents and plunged into a world of perfect strangers. + Everything is done to make them at ease and comfortable in + their new surroundings; the headmaster is kindness itself, the + matron beams on them with smiles and fortifies them with + encouragement; but just at first the wrench for the little + fellows is great. In a day or two, however, they will begin to + acclimatise themselves; the strangeness will begin to wear off; + and having borne up bravely against their first sense of + loneliness in the midst of a crowd they will gradually become + parts of the machine to the making of which many gentle and + sympathising hands for years past have contributed.</p> + + <p>"Schools are not what they were," says one of my friends. + "There is no bullying nowadays and little roughness of any + kind. Masters are not looked upon as the natural enemies of + boys. Corporal punishment, except for the gravest offences, is + abolished. Whereas, formerly, little boys were at once sucked + into the vortex of a Public School, there are now Preparatory + Schools, where Tommie and Dickie and Harry, aged from nine to + ten, learn the business of Public Schooling in a manner suited + to their age and capacity. When we were boys," he continues, + "these admirable buffer states were so few that they might + almost be said not to exist at all; they now flourish + everywhere. The path of the little boy is thus made easier for + him."</p> + + <p>"But," I said, "is a little boy, then, never brought to a + sense of his unimportance by being physically, if not morally, + kicked? Is he to pass his life in a condition of Sybaritic + softness?"</p> + + <p>"You need not," he said, "worry about that. Softness makes + no appeal to the average English boy."</p> + + <p>When therefore, on a day in last week, it happened to me to + take a little boy I happen to know to his Preparatory School on + his first day of his first term there, I did so with no undue + depression. "Be a good boy," I said to him; "never tell a lie, + never push yourself forward, and don't swank about yourself." + It was good advice so far as it went, but it did not make any + great impression on him, for he only answered, "Of course," or + "Of course I shan't," to every item that I put before him. I + wonder how many fathers have recently inculcated these and + similar high-toned principles on their little boys, only to + meet with the same uninterested acquiescence. And even our + parting was not so dejected as it might have been, for by that + time another new boy had come upon the scene, and he and mine + had been irresistibly drawn to one another, and were chatting + gaily when it was time for me to go.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/310.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/310.png" + alt="THE CELEBRITY." /></a> + + <h4>THE CELEBRITY.</h4> + + <p>THIS IS BILLY SMIFF, 'IM WOT REMEMBERS THE TIME WHEN + THERE WASN'T NO WAR.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3> + + <h4>IX.</h4> + + <h4>THE UNWRITTEN TREATY.</h4> + + <p>"Be careful," said the worm to the slug, "there is one of + those nasty birds over there. What ugly things they are!"</p> + + <p>"Not half so ugly as men. Ugh!" said the slug.</p> + + <p>"Men are big, not ugly. They don't eat worms."</p> + + <p>"But they cut them in two with spades."</p> + + <p>"Only by accident. There is nothing so ugly as a bloated + over-grown bird eating a slender delicate worm."</p> + + <p>"Except," said the slug, "a monstrous man crushing a tender + slug under his clumsy hoofs. Birds I can tolerate. They are not + so big as men."</p> + + <p>"But they hop quicker and eat more for their size," said the + worm.</p> + + <p>"Not slugs, they don't eat slugs. We have a treaty with the + birds, you know."</p> + + <p>"Was it signed?" asked the worm.</p> + + <p>"There was no need. You see it is a matter of convenience. + We don't get eaten, and the birds don't get their beaks + slimy."</p> + + <p>"Convenience is a great thing," said the worm, "but it isn't + everything. Well, good-bye; I am going in till the bird + goes."</p> + + <p>"And I am staying out till the man comes."</p> + + <p>"Slugs are nasty slimy things," said the thrush, "but in + these hard times one must eat what one can get," and he + swallowed the slug with a wry face.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Well-Meant.</h4> + + <p>Extract from a New Zealand school-boy's letter:—</p> + + <p>"We also had songs, the College song, and the Harrow School + song, for the special benifit (<i>sic</i>) of the Governor, who + is an Etonian."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" + id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/311.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/311.png" + alt="WHAT'S THE MATTER?" /></a> + + <p><i>Motor-Launch Officer</i> (<i>who has rung for + full-speed without result</i>). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"</p> + + <p><i>Voice from below</i>. "ONE OF THE CYLINDERS IS + MISSING, SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Commander</i>. "WELL, LOOK SHARP AND FIND THE BALLY + THING—WE WANT TO GET ON."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p class="ctr">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>I was some way into <i>Thorgills of Treadholt</i> (WARD, + LOCK), thinking what an unusually plausible and imaginative + yarn it was, when I turned back for possible enlightenment, and + found a note to the effect that it was a transcription of an + Icelandic saga. Those old fellows knew their business. I am not + sagacious enough to guess where Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT has passed + beyond transcription to creation, but I can tell you that he + offers his readers a very charming and finished piece of work. + Boys of all ages should delight in this record of the fights + and wanderings and stout diplomacy of the chieftain + <i>Thorgills</i>, who was destined from his cradle to be a + notable leader of men. His marriage with <i>Thorey</i> was a + romance of as exquisite a flavour as any that our sophisticated + age can show, and its tragic end wrings the heart with its + infinite pathos. By some singular discretion Mr. HEWLETT has + chosen to eschew the least approach to Wardour-Street idiom, + and this gives the narrative a simplicity, a sanity and a vivid + sense of reality which are extraordinarily more effective than + the goodliest tushery, of which flamboyant art Mr. HEWLETT is + no mean master. I am sure he has chosen this time a more + excellent way. There are transcriptions and transcriptions. + This is brilliantly done.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I cannot help regretting that Miss RHODA BROUGHTON has not + thought fit to publish her total fictional tonnage (if without + disrespect I may employ a metaphor of the moment) on the + title-page of her latest volume. Certainly the tale of her + output must by this time reach impressive dimensions. And the + wonder is that <i>A Thorn in the Flesh</i> (STANLEY PAUL) + betrays absolutely no evidence of staleness. If the outlook + here is a thought less romantic than in certain novels that + drew sighs from my adolescent breast, this is a change inherent + in the theme. For the matter of the present work is a study in + conjugal tedium. <i>Parthenope</i> (name of ill-omen) was one + of those unhappy and devastating beings who go through life + fated to bore their nearest and dearest to the verge of lunacy. + So that her marriage to poor well-meaning <i>Willy Steele</i> + had not endured for more than a matter of weeks before the + wretched man fled from his newly-made nest, with the heart-cry + (uttered to <i>Parthenope's</i> female relatives, themselves + too sympathetic to resent it), "I cannot stand her any longer!" + This unfortunate <i>débâcle</i> is very + ingeniously contrasted with the courtship of another couple, + immune from the curse; and the whole story is as fresh as it is + amusing. Perhaps it might have been told in fewer words; at + times the slender theme seems a trifle overladen. But probably + your true Broughtonians (who must be reckoned in thousands) + would condemn such a suggestion as heresy; and, if they be + satisfied, as they certainly will be, then all is well.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is a tribute at once to the art of her treatment and the + actuality of her theme that, after reading the delicate little + study of modern romance that ELIZABETH ROBINS PENNELL + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" + id="page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> calls <i>The Lovers</i> + (HEINEMANN), I cannot determine whether the clever writer + was reproducing or inventing—she begins so + convincingly with the statement that it was her first + chapter, itself an article in <i>The Century</i>, describing + the life of The Lovers as she watched it from her window, + that brought about her friendship with the originals, and + thus her knowledge of their further history. Anyhow, true or + not, it is the kind of story that has been going on all + round us in these days of love and heroism. Mrs. PENNELL + first began to watch her pair of <i>amoureux</i> in their + attic, which was overlooked from her higher window (most + readers could probably make a shrewd guess at its postal + district) in those seemingly so distant years when the young + champions of artistic London used to meet at a certain + <i>café</i>, wonderfully clad, to consume vast + quantities of milk. Then came the War; the boy-husband + enlisted, went to the Front—and the end is as we all + have known it many and many times. In this little book the + too familiar story is given with a restraint and absence of + striving after effect that leave me, as I say, uncertain + whether its appeal is due to art or actuality. But in either + case Mrs. PENNELL has told it very well.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Father, what is the difference between Tories and + Radicals?" "Radicals, my dear, are the infamous crew who wish + to destroy all the noble institutions for which the Tories + would give their life-blood." "And which are you, Father?" I + have inflicted this ancient (and, I always think, rather + touching) scrap of dialogue upon you because it exactly + illustrates my impression of <i>The Soul of Ulster</i> (HURST + AND BLACKETT). In other words, this little book, written as + ably and attractively as you would expect from the author of + <i>The First Seven Divisions</i>, is really less a + dispassionate survey of the Home Rule difficulty than a piece + of special pleading for the Northern cause. According, + therefore, to your own attitude towards this problem will + characters occupies her rural stage—an old grandmother, + be your estimate of Lord ERNEST HAMILTON'S arguments. To the + bigoted (or confirmed) Orangeman they will seem revelation; to + the confirmed (or bigoted) Nationalist they will as clearly + seem rubbish. Even I, who admit the justice of the author's + contentions, fancied now and again (as in the matter of the + "Peep-o'-Day Boys," for example) that a slightly more generous + admission of faults on his own side would have strengthened the + presentation of his case. One of the most interesting chapters + of a quite short volume is that in which the author explains + his belief, at first rather startling, that the eventual + solution of the vexed question may be provided through the Sinn + Fein movement. That hope, and the reasons for it, are certainly + alone worth the half-crown for which you can examine them.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/312.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/312.png" + alt="SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM" /></a> + + <p>"SEE THAT, SIR? 'FARM LABOURERS, MINIMUM TWENTY-FIVE + SHILLINGS A WEEK.' NOW, SIR, WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO LEAVE + MY PRESENT OCCUPATION AND TAKE UP FARM-WORK?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SERGE AKSAKOFF, a distinguished Russian writer of the first + half of the nineteenth century, gave the world a portrait of + his grandfather. It is now translated with a singular felicity + by Mr. J.D. DUFF, under the title, <i>A Russian Gentleman</i> + (ARNOLD), and I should like to say that I, who have suffered + something from translations out of the Russian, have very + rarely read one which ran with such plausible smoothness and + gave so clear an impression of a charming original. STEFAN + MIHAILOVITCH BAGROFF was reckoned a good sort and a just if + rather uncompromising man. His character is drawn with faithful + exactness and praised with simple filial appreciation. The + foibles of this worthy patriarch, such as the dragging of his + wife along the floor when he was excessively annoyed, so that + she went with her head bound for a year thereafter, are excused + on the ground of his general decency. And indeed he was a + lovable old boy, and the simple and unselfconscious artistry + with which the author develops his character, and that of his + daughter-in-law, SOFYA NIKOLAYEVNA, delights the jaded literary + palate. AKSAKOFF has a quite singular power of selecting just + the incident, the phrase, the gesture, the feature of the + landscape which make you exclaim with a start, "Why, I'm seeing + and hearing all this!" It is such a book as an historian of the + modern school would delight in, more engrossing than fiction of + the most realistic type. There is incident in it too—as + of the degenerate KUROLYESSOFF, a cousin-in-law of + MIHAILOVITCH, who used to flog his serfs, sometimes to death, + for the pleasure of seeing them suffer; while the opening + pages, describing the trekking of the family out of far-eastern + Orenburg into the adjoining province of Ufa, and the building + of the mill and the dam, are astonishingly vivid and + agreeable.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>A Maid o' Dorset</i> (CASSELL) can be recommended to + anyone in need of light refreshment after a course of sterner + literature. Here we are back again in the world of small + things; but if "M.E. FRANCIS'S" theme is trivial there is no + denying the art with which she handles it. Just a quartette of + characters occupies her rural stage—an old grandmother, + wise with the wisdom of years, her granddaughter, a middle-aged + farmer and a young gipsy "dairy-chap." To the horror of her + relations the Maid o' Dorset conceives an infatuation for the + gipsy, a clever rogue but no match for the grandmother. I have + met a good many farmers in my time, but never one so + simple-minded as <i>Solomon Blanchard</i>. It is all very + Franciscan, and seems easy enough, but if you think, for that + reason, that you could do it yourself, you couldn't. Its charm + lies in its fragrance, and that is a quality which is not + lightly come by.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>Our Helpful Contemporaries.</h4> + + <p>"The majority of the Russian soldiers are not so naif as, + after having deposed the Tsar, to set to work for the King of + Prussia.</p> + + <p>"Note.—'Travailler from le Rois des Prusses' is the + French colloquial equivalent for 'To work for + nothing.'"—<i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>Faint Praise.</h4> + + <p>"Commander Wedgwood said there was no newspaper in this + country—not even the <i>Daily Mail</i>—which had + not printed during the three years of war something to which + objection could not be taken."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 9, 1917***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 15330-h.txt or 15330-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/5/3/3/15330">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/3/3/15330</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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