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diff --git a/15142.txt b/15142.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a03256 --- /dev/null +++ b/15142.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1320 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 13, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 13, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 22, 2005 [eBook #15142] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 103, AUGUST 13, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 15142-h.htm or 15142-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/1/4/15142/15142-h/15142-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/1/4/15142/15142-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 103 + +AUGUST 13, 1892 + + + + + + + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Yacht "Ibex," Weymouth._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Once again "my foot is on my native heath."--(I don't know where this +quotation comes from, but presume the author of it had lost a leg, +or he would have placed _his feet_ there--or else he must have had +one leg shorter than the other, and so _couldn't_ put both down at +once!)--and heartily glad I am to be there--we had a most alarming +passage from Jersey, and I thought every moment would be my +last--(_for a time_)--but I was cheered and stimulated to endurance +by the noble example of my friend and fellow-passenger The +MACDOUGAL--Chief of the Clan--who was obtrusively well up to +lunch-time!--but I had my revenge then, for he was unable to face +the dish of Haggis that I am given to understand every right-minded +Scotchman thinks it his duty to eat at least once a day. + +However, "I pulled through all right," as Lord ARTHUR would say, +and was so delighted with my sailor-like indifference to the +"rolling-sea," that I adopted a rolling-walk on landing, which was +most impressive, to judge from the staring of the inhabitants of +Weymouth!--(I may confess to _you_ that I couldn't help myself; +everything was going up and down and sideways, for _hours_ after I +landed, and I really think the sea ought to be done away with, or +flattened out by some means!--there's a fortune for the man who +invents the machine which will do it!)--I should prefer it done away +with myself, as then there would be no mackerel-fishing! + +I have no personal animosity against the humble but lovely-looking +mackerel; but I was weak enough to accept an invitation to go +fishing for them, and you may imagine my horror at being "roused +out,"--(yachting expression, _very_ significant)--at _three_ in the +morning to go and capture them!--or at least to _try_--for as a matter +of fact, we didn't get a single one--and my temper was "roused out" +before we'd finished, for no well-conducted woman cares to be balked +in her efforts to "hook a big fish,"--and all I could catch were a +few small "Pollock" and "Pout." By the way, who on earth christens +the fish, I wonder?--and why on earth--or rather in sea--are there so +many varieties which you must either remember or submit to nave your +ignorance jeered at by the practised fisherman, who has probably +acquired his information concerning them only the day before? + +The English "Bay of Naples" is a wonderful place, and its resemblance +to its Italian prototype is admirably sustained through the liberality +of the Local Board in encouraging the importation of Italian penny-ice +men! I really think this wholesale importation of foreigners is being +carried to excess, and has already created a feeling that England +is no place for the English! And then the concerts you can hear for +nothing!--that is, if you harden your heart when the man comes round +with the tin pail!--everyone has a spade or a pail at the seaside--all +the latest London successes, from TOSTI to "_Ta-ra-ra_," accompanied +by a strong contingent of the Salvation Army Brass Band!--and there +is a lot of "brass" about the Army still unaccounted for! What +an enervating part of the world this is! One quite realises what +"lotus-eating" means, even though there are no lotuses about!--(I +wonder if that's the correct plural?--or is it "_Loti_"? which looks +like French, only wants "PIERRE" as Christian name. Or if additional +"_t_" introduced, it would be "Lotti," suggestive of COLLINS' Ode to +_Boom_, &c.; but I am wandering)--and it requires enormous energy +to do anything more than loll about and bathe; even on the Island of +Portland, where the air is rather more invigorating, I am told there +are numbers of people who express a strong disinclination to perform +any hard labour whatever, in spite of the fact of a short residence +there having been recommended as calculated to improve their general +"tone"! I only wish the aforesaid Salvation Army Band would go +there on a lengthy visit, as its "tone" leaves much to be desired at +present. + +I hear that the Brighton Meeting was a great success both in weather +and racing; and the present "Horse of the Century," _Buccaneer_, fully +maintained his reputation, winning his race in what they call "gallant +style," and beating _Lady Rosebery_--not, perhaps, a gallant thing to +do, but Buccaneers have always been notoriously rough to the sex! + +I am afraid thousands of my readers must be getting impatient for +more of my excellent prophecies, but I really cannot run the risk of +ruining my health by reading the papers when in the country; and, +as patience is an admirable virtue, I feel I am doing my duty in +encouraging it as much as possible. So, for yet another cycle of time +(poetic, and usefully vague), + +I am, Yours, in idleness, LADY GAY. + +ODE TO BUCCANEER. + + Sing hey for the life of a Convict Bold! + Sing ho for his healthy life! + Sing hey for his peaceful days when old, + Secluded from care and strife! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SYMPATHISER. + +MASTER TOMMY NEVER MISSES THE AMERICAN NEWS NOW, AS HE IS MUCH +INTERESTED IN _THE CASE OF PRIVATE JAMS!!!_ (_Vide Daily Papers._)] + + * * * * * + +THE DIARY OF AN EXPLORER A LA RUSSE. + +_Introduction._--Delighted to have the opportunity of exploring the +Ironice Mountains. Hearing they abound with frozen mud which would +be most useful if it could be removed to the plains below without +melting. The watercress plant too might be grown on the summit, if it +is practicable to take up orchid-forcing houses. Ought to get the Gold +Medal of the Geographical Society if I open out this region that will +be fraught with such blessings to commerce. So far as I can judge, it +will only be necessary to take twenty batteries of Artillery, a dozen +squadrons of Cavalry, and (say) sixteen battalions of Infantry. And I +think we might as well take a Naturalist. + +_A little Later._--Made a good start. Appointed Professor POPOFF to +be our Naturalist. He is a little out of practice, but passed the +preliminary examination very satisfactorily. Only made one trifling +mistake. Said that tea-roses belonged to the cactus family. Fancy they +don't, but am not sure. The suggestion that cucumbers were dug out of +the ground like potatoes, was only an error of judgment. Anyone might +have made it. But although rusty in his science, he is well up in +machine-gun drill. He will suit the expedition to a nicety. Artillery, +Cavalry, and Infantry in first-rate condition. + +_Later still._--Made our first important scientific discovery to-day. +Find that you can't grow broad beans on the soil at the base of the +Ironice Mountains. At least you may plant them, but they won't grow to +any size within the space of half-a-dozen hours. Tried the experiment. +To clear the necessary space of ground, had to remove the natives. +Did this in gallant style with the assistance of all branches of the +Service. The Professor rendered valuable support with his Gatling. +Hadn't time to bury the kilted, but said some kind things, when +bidding them adieu, to the wounded. + +_Further on._--Most anxious to discover whether canaries sing half-way +up the Ironice Mountains. Had some little trouble in establishing a +footing on the plateau. After eight hours' hard fighting got to the +required spot. The natives seem to have no respect for scientific +research. Had to remove them in the usual fashion. The Cavalry had +to abandon their horses, but the dismounted men were most useful in +burning villages. The Professor continued to carry up his Gatling, +and used it with the customary result. When we got to the plateau, +disappointed to find no canaries. So we could not ascertain whether +they would sing at that altitude. However, when we have completed the +proposed railway, it will be quite easy to bring up a few of those +charming birds, and continue the interesting experiment. + +_Later._--After six weeks' hard fighting, have at last got to the +summit. Cleared the place of the natives according to the recognised +scientific formula. The Infantry had to use their bayonets freely. The +Professor again well to the front with his Gatling. He is a wonderful +man, and seems to have been accustomed to it all his life. It is +almost a pity that he should be so devoted to science. He would have +made a first-rate soldier. + +_Nearly the Latest._--Sorry that our expedition has not been entirely +successful. I am very much afraid that it will be impossible to +grow watercresses at this altitude, even with the genial aid of +orchid-forcing houses. I do not see how we could get up the necessary +materials to the summit, although assisted by proposed railway. Still, +when the line is constructed, we might make the attempt. But from a +commercial point of view, I do not believe that the experiment would +repay the cost. + +_Sequel._--Delighted to find that our scientific expedition has +one result. I have consulted the Professor, and we are both of the +opinion, that from the summit of the Ironice Mountains it is possible +to get a splendid bird's-eye view of India. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOING ON BOARD.] + + * * * * * + +FORTE SCUTUM SALUS DUCUM. + + In St. SWITHIN's forty days + Comes the end of voting-frays; + Forty extra then arrays + Mr. G. + + He had hoped for many more, + But he cannot even score + Forty-four, that fought he for-- + Mr. G. + + Fortified with fortitude. + Rule your motley multitude, + And so earn our gratitude + Mr. G.! + + Oh majority, you know + "Gently does it;" therefore go + Quite _piano_, Forty--show + Mr. G. + + Though his forty is not fat, + It is fair at least; so that + JOHN shall not be taxed for PAT, + Mr. G. + + Spare him income tax that grieves, + Lest he think that he perceives + ALI BABA's Forty ---- + Mr. G.! + + * * * * * + +WALKER!--Mr. TOOLE is going into the country, and Mr. GARDEN is to +take his place. This sounds like a seasonable change, as Londoners who +cannot get away to a Garden, will now have a GARDEN coming to them. + + * * * * * + +"NO FEES." + +(_IN RE PAYNE_ V. _'ENRY HAUTHOR JONES._) + + Alas, poor JONES, how sad your fate! + The Law's stern coldness comes to freeze + Your burning wish to captivate + With words you know will always please-- + "No fees!" + + When "bang goes saxpence" for a page + Of poorest paper, where one sees + More puffs than programme, then your rage + Seems right. One cries, "At least for these + No fees!" + + If Dr. BRAMWELL,[1] who they say + Cures psychological disease, + Had known he would have willed away + Your PAYNE, like tooth-ache--he would seize + "No fees!" + + You've _lost_ the case, and now, "that's flat,"[2] + Must pay those eminent Q.C.'s + Your Bill of Costs! No Play-bill that! + You will not find the Law decrees + "No fees." + +[Footnote 1: Mentioned in _Times_ Leading Article, Aug. 3.] + +[Footnote 2: "That's flat." HENRY (AUTHOR SHAKSPEARE) IV., Part I., +Act I., Scene 3.] + + * * * * * + +A TRIO.--Congratulations to Sir WILLIAM CUSINS, who from his known +admiration for WAGNER, is generally known as "Cusins German." He was +a "King's Scholar," and KING, whoever he was, must have found him +a remarkably apt pupil. He has composed a Comic Opera called _Giddy +'Un_. The next Knight is JOSEPH BARNBY, a name suggestive of pure +rustic music. The last of the Knights, Sir WALTER PARRATT, has chosen +as his device the ancient legend always associated with the head +of the PARRATT family, i.e., "Scratch a Poll." This dates from very +ancient times, and was an inscription found in a temple of Apollo. + + * * * * * + +OMINOUS.--Unfortunate name for a piece is _Cigarette_. So suggestive +of "paper," and of "ending in smoke." _Absit omen!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STUDIES IN IDIOCY. + +_She._ "MRS. MOFFAT'S THE ODDEST WOMAN! SHE'S FOND OF MEETING CLEVER +PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, AND SHE NEVER OPENS HER LIPS, BUT LISTENS TO EVERY +WORD THEY SAY, AND PUTS IT ALL DOWN IN A DIARY AFTER!" + +_He._ "HAW--BY JOVE! SHALL TAKE PRECIOUS GOOD CARE WHAT _I_ SAY BEFORE +HER!"] + + * * * * * + +AIDS TO LARCENY.--(_By an "Outside Croaker."_)--I find that since +I started off shopping this morning, I have lost my purse, my +handkerchief, the keys of all my boxes and drawers, a silver-mounted +scent-bottle, my season-ticket, and a pocket-book containing priceless +materials for the plot of a three-volumed novel. This comes of riding +on the outside of an omnibus with garden-seats.--Conductor, the +gentlemanly person who sat just behind me, and who is now proceeding +rather quickly up Chancery Lane, seems to have been unable to resist +the temptation afforded by my hanging coat-tails, and has walked off +with a few unpaid bills which were in the pockets, under a mistaken +impression that they were bank-notes. Would you mind explaining to him +his mistake?--Would it be possible for the excellent Directors of the +London General Omnibus Company and the London Road Car Company, so to +board up the open backs of their otherwise delightful garden-seats +as to prevent a ride on the top of an omnibus from being a constant +series of (generally unwarranted) suspicions of the people seated in +one's rear? + + * * * * * + +AN AFTERNOON SAIL. + + SCENE--_A Landing Stage under Margate Pier. Excursionists + discovered embarking in two rival sailing-boats, the "Daisy" + and the "Buttercup," whose respective Mates are exchanging + repartees._ + +[Illustration: "Pirate,--that's what I _was_, Sir!"] + +_Mate of the "Daisy"._ This gangway, Marm--(_to a Stout Lady_)--not +_that_ one, if you want to _enjoy_ yourself. That one'll take you +aboard the "_Buttercup_," Marm! + + [_The Stout Lady patronises the "Daisy."_ + +_Mate of the "Buttercup."_ You may 'ave _that_ little lot! Don't you +go overloadin' that 'ere old tub o' yourn, that's all! + +_M. of the D._ No fear o' _you_ bein' crowded, anyhow. Folks ha' got +more sense! + +_M. of the B._ Why, we can outsail _you_ any day. Spoke you off the +Tongue light, we did, close in to ye, we were--and back ten minutes +_afore_ ye--come! The "Buttercup"'ll answer any way we put her--a'most +_speak_ to us, _she_ will! + +_M. of the D._ Ah, it's lucky for you she can't _quite_ speak--you'd +'ear some plain langwidge if she did! + +_M. of the B._ _Our_ boat ain't never mis-stayed with us, 't all +events; ye can't deny that! + +_M. of the D._ We don't go out for sailing, _we_ don't--we go out +for _pleasure_! (_As the "Daisy," having received her complement of +passengers, puts off._) Tralla! we'll resoom this conversation later +on; you won't ha' got off afore we're back, _I_ dessay! + + [_The_ Mate of the "Buttercup" _is reduced to profanity._ + +_ON BOARD THE "DAISY," DURING THE TRIP._ + +_The Stout Lady._ Very 'an'some they fit these yachts +up--garding-seats all across the deck, and all the cushings in red +plush. It do give you sech a sense of security! + +_A Lugubrious Man._ Oh, we shall be all right, so long as this squall +that's coming up don't catch us before we're in again. Else we shall +take _our_ tea down at the bottom, along with the lobsters! + +_A Chirpy Little Man with a red chin-tuft_ (_to a female +acquaintance_). Well, how are _you_ feelin', eh? + +_The Acquaintance._ Oh, all right, thenks--so long as I keep still. +There's more waves than it looked from the Pier. + +_The Chirpy Man._ Waves? These ain't on'y ripples. When we're off the +Foreland, now, you _may_ talk! + +_The Acq._ If it's worse than it is now, I _shan't_. + +_The Chirpy Man._ Why, you ain't afraid o' being queer already? I'm +reg'lar enjoyin' it, I am. You don't object to me samplin' a cigar? +You enjoy the flavour of a smoke more when you're on the water, yer +know. + +_First Girl._ I can see our lodgings; and there's Ma out on the +balcony--see? Let's wave our handkerchiefs to her. + +_Second Girl._ Ma, indeed! Did you _ever_ know Ma stir off the sofa +after her dinner? I wouldn't make myself ridiklous waving to somebody +else's Ma, if _I_ was you! + +_First Girl_ (_unconvinced_). I'm sure it _is_ Ma--it's just her +figger. + +_Second Girl._ You are such an _obstinate_ girl! If it's Ma, what's +become of the verander? + +_First Girl_ (_conquered by this unanswerable argument_). I forgot we +had a _verander_--it's one of those old cats next door! + +_The Stout Lady_ (_to the Captain who is steering_). Shall we be out +long, Captain? + +_The Captain._ I hope not, Marm, because I'm dining at the tabbly dote +at the Cliftonville this evenin', and I've got to be home in time to +dress. + + [_The passengers regard him with increased respect._ + +_The Mate_ (_familiarly to the Captain_). Yes, dear; you don't want +to die in here, _do_ you? (_explanatorily_) "die in"--_dine_--you'll +excuse _me_, but the ocean always makes me feel so facetious. Captain, +dear, if you'll pardon a common sailor like myself for making +the suggestion, I beg to call upon you for a song. (_The Captain +obligingly bellows "The Stormy Nore--The Jolly old Nore," to the +general satisfaction_). Ah, they didn't know what a canary-bird you +_were_, Captain! Here's a lady asking you to drink at her expense. + + [_The Captain is prevailed upon to accept a tumbler of "the + usual;" the Stout Lady says "Captin, your 'elth!" and pledges + him in a whiskey-and-soda._ + +_First Female Friend_ (_to Second Do. Do._). That's Mrs. EDLING, all +over, puttin' herself so forward! Look at her now, 'anding him up two +cigars in a paper-bag. I call it sickenin'! + +_Second Do. Do._ I'm not surprised. She's a woman that 'ud do anythink +for notoriety. I've always noticed _that_ in her. + +_Captain_ (_to Mate_). Ease the brails! + +_Mate_ (_frivolously, after obeying_). They're feeling better +_now_, darlin'! If no one else'll sing a song, I'll give you "_The +Midshipmite_." + +_The Stout Lady._ I do like the way those two go on together; it's as +good as a play. I shall begin laughin' presently; it takes a deal to +set me _off_, but when I once _am_ off, I can't stop myself. (_The +Mate sings._) A sweet singer _he_ is, too. Lor! it's like goin' for a +sail in a Music-'All! + +_The Chirpy Man._ Yes, I'm comin' to set down a bit. Not so much +motion _'ere_, yer know. No use trying to smoke in this breeze. No, +I was on'y yawning. Makes yer sleepy, this see-saw does. Don't _you_ +find it so? + +_Mate_ (_to Sailor_). Now, WILLIAM, it's your turn--you're goin' to +sing us something? + +_William_ (_gruffly_). No, I ain't. But there's a gen'lman 'ere as +says he'll recite. + + [_After some persuasion, a Mild Young Man is induced to step + forward on the foredeck, and recite as follows_:-- + +_The Mild Young Man_ (_balancing himself with some difficulty_). + "Pirate, that's what I _was_, Sir. Talk about Captain KIDD-- + His cruellest acts were kindness, compared with the deeds _I_ did! + Never a pitying pang felt I for youth, sex, age, or rank-- + All who fell into my clutches were doomed to pace a protruded plank! + Yet the desperate demon of those days is now a Churchwarden mild, + Holding the bag at Collections--and all through a golden-haired + child!" + + [_Here the_ Mate _suppresses a groan, and is understood to + remark that he "knows that golden-haired child;" the_ Stout + Lady _sighs, and inwardly reflects that you can never go by + appearances; the_ Chirpy Man _becomes solemn and attentive._ + +_The Ex-Pirate_ (_who meanwhile has sighted an East-Indiaman, and +given chase_). + "Well, soon as we'd overhauled her, our 'Jolly Roger' we flew, + We opened our dummy deadlights, and the guns gleamed grinning + through. + And, panther-like, we were crouching--" + + [_Here he attempts to suit the action to the word; the boat + heels over--and the Pirate's crouch becomes a sprawl._ + +I--I _beg_ your pardon.--(_Picking himself up._) + + "Under the Indiaman's side; + When--a baby-face from her bulwarks, looked down on us open-eyed: + I can see him now--with his fluttering curls, and his cheeks so + chubby and round, + Which a cherub might have been proud of, in snowiest linen bound! + Then--he hailed us, in infant accents, so innocent, fresh, and + blithe-- + That our nest of human snakes was stirred to a conscience-stricken + writhe! + (_In soft falsetto, as Child_). Dear Pirates, I _am_ so + sorry--I _did_ want to see you so. + I'm afraid you'll be disappointed--but you mustn't come _near_, + you know! + I wish I could ask you on board to tea, for I feel so down in the + dumps, + But I _can't_ invite you--for, if you came, you'd be certain to + catch my Mumps! + I've given it all of the passengers, and the Captain, and Mate, + and Crew, + And it would be a _dreadful_ pity if _you_ were to catch it too!" + + [_Pause. The Chirpy Man hides his face._ + + We looked at each other; our utterance choked by irrepressible + lumps, + Though we feared neither man nor devil--we all had a _horror_ of + Mumps! + And, but for this Cherub's candour, ere many mere days had sped-- + + [_Here the_ Pirate _is stopped by uncontrollable emotion, and + his audience, from the Captain downwards, express sympathy._ + +_The Reciter_ (_huskily, after wiping his eyes_). I'm very sorry--it's +foolish, I know, but I always _do_ break down just here. I--I think I +can go on now. + +[Illustration: "WITH THE HONOURS OF WAR!"] + + "Had sped, + Each buccaneer would have kept his bunk, with a bandage about his + head!" + + [_Here a fresh diversion is effected by_ The Chirpy Man, _who + suddenly achieves unpopularity by becoming aggressively ill, + and causing a general stampede from his neighbourhood._ + +_The Reciter_-- + "We wouldn't have boarded her, after _that_, for all the treasure + on earth, + So we sailed away--to the sweet salute of a peal of childish mirth!" + +_The Chirpy Man_ (_resuming his seat, much relieved, and almost as +chirpy as ever, to his neighbours, confidentially_). I'm all right +agen now. It was takin' a glass o' stout on top of black currant +pudden _done_ it, yer know! + + [_This piece of information is coldly received, which + evidently both surprises and pains him; the Pirate brings his + experiences to an end by relating how he realised his effects, + and retired from business on a modest competence, and the + "Daisy" regains the Pier._ + + * * * * * + +"WITH THE HONOURS OF WAR." + + After long fight and strenuous defence, + Tenacity tremendous, toil immense, + The garrison surrenders! + 'Tis the doom + Of desperate war; and though a sombre gloom + Sits on each brow, each brow is lifted high, + No petulant pusillanimity + Makes poor this last parade of stout defenders, + Or shames this most unwilling of surrenders. + Six lingering years, and more, of hot attack, + By confident cool valour beaten back! + Six baffling years of sortie, and of sally, + Sudden alarum, stubborn stand, stout rally! + How the besiegers in their bannered host + Banded at first around this bastion'd post, + In sanguine, fierce assault, and shook their spears, + Strong hopes derided, mocked at fancied fears. + The Citadel's defence was all in vain, + They vowed; a year should end the brief campaign; + Yet year to year succeeded slow, and still + The garrison held out. Strategic skill + And not impetuous onset nought availed; + The battering-ram and scaling-ladder failed. + Brief breaches scarcely made were swift repaired, + United still all deadly arms they dared, + Those linked defenders who, aforetime foes, + Their lately-banded ranks could firmly close + Against old friends, now common enemies. + Black CECIL was Commander, BALFOUR brave + The Union Standard in his wake would wave, + The _Reiter_ JOACHIM, of German breed, + And the Scot swordster RITCHIE, good at need, + With him, the fox-eyed Freelance, JOE DE BRUM, + Brave with the trumpet, valiant with the drum, + Proud to be capped and curled with Cavaliers, + The Gentlemen of England, now his peers,-- + These, and a many more good men and true, + The ramparts manned, the warning clarion blew; + Stood in the breach, and to the bastion swarmed, + Whene'er loud blares that citadel alarmed. + + But now slow sap and steady siege have wrought + The conquest long delayed. The Chiefs that fought + So long together, feel the touch of fate, + Bow to its bidding. Calm though not elate, + Swart CECIL yields him at discretion. So + The garrison marches forth! But e'en the foe + Gives chivalrous salute to beaten men + Unshamed by forced surrender. Hail them, then, + With sympathetic cheers! The white-haired Chief, + Lifts hat in greeting. He, all brawn and beef, + WILLIAM of Malwood, bears the banner high, + But scarce looks fired, with conquest's ecstasy. + JOHN of Newcastle, reins a restive horse; + _He's_ none too eager for another course. + The one-armed Irish Chief looks pale and grim; + E'en cheery LARRY, of the cynic whim, + Hath a less careless chuckle than his wont. + "Beshrew me! but they bear a gallant front!" + Mutter the pikemen ranged in order round. + Sore-battered RITCHIE,--may he soon be sound!-- + Bates not a jot of courage; that stark fighter + And shifty swordsman, JOACHIM: the _Reiter_, + Snuffs the air proudly; with his nose a-cock + Steps JOE DE BRUM, and, steady as a rock, + Strides forth Chief CECIL! + Hail the beaten band, + You Grand, and grey-haired, Old Campaigning Hand; + For you have seen good fighting, and you know + Game foemen when you see them. Conquest's glow + Mantles that pallid cheek. After long strain, + Victory at last is yours, nor all in vain, + Perchance, although its fruits precarious be. + What you will do with it, we wait to see. + Meanwhile _you_'ll own the foes you've put to rout. + With all war's honours unashamed march out. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO MATTER-OF-FACT. + +_Jones_ (_who prides himself on his French_). "DESOLE, MON CHER, NOT +TO BE ABLE TO ACCEPT YOUR HOSPITALITY, BUT TO-NIGHT I AM DINING _EN +VILLE_." + +_Brown_ (_who is so matter-of-fact, and never will understand +Jones's French_). "DINING 'ON VEAL,' ARE YOU? WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH +DIFFERENCE; IF YOU COME TO ME, YOU'LL HAVE A LEG O' MUTTON!"] + + * * * * * + +MAKE IT HOT.--Dean KITCHIN says that one of his reasons for voting +for the Gladstonians is that he is "a warm Liberal." Quite so. A cold +KITCHIN would be a contradiction in terms. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MEMBERS WE SHALL MISS. + +F.A. Hankey. Sir H. Tyler. M.W. Mattinson. J. Bazley White. +J. Stack. The Bruce. T.L. Bristowe. Hermon-Hodge. Alfred Giles. +J. Woodhead. Baron Dimsdale. T. Milvain.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Thursday, August 4._--New Parliament met to-day +in great force. Ambition stirs noble minds in different ways. Some +embark on Parliamentary life with determination to outshine BRIGHT or +GLADSTONE in field of oratory. Others will not be pacified till they +emulate PITT. Others again aim at the lofty pedestal on which stands +through the ages the man who is first in his place, on first day, of +first Session, of new Parliament. Exciting race to-day. At night, +both BIGWOOD and SPENCER (not BOBBY, who has affairs of graver State +to look to just now) sailed in together. At a quarter to ten SAVORY +turned up, sermon in hand, and found he was forestalled. + +"What, MOORE of them!" cried SAVORY. "The bane of my life." + +"Yes," said LOGAN, arriving a few minutes later; "wherever there's one +SAVORY you're sure to find MOORE, and in this case they precede you." + +Six minutes later DIXON-HARTLAND arrived, mopping his forehead. When +he found others on spot, pretended he'd only looked in accidentally. +"Passing by, you know; thought I'd see how old place looked." But it +wouldn't do. Other men, especially BIGWOOD, saw through it all. Then +DIXON HARTLAND grew anecdotal. Told fabulous story about imaginary +Scotch Member, who, at opening of Parliament of 1880, brought down his +plaid, a stoup of whiskey, and a thimbleful of oatmeal. Camped out all +night in Palace Yard, and staggered into House as soon as doors were +opened. + +"That beats you, BIGWOOD," the Evesham Banker said, with a tartness of +voice that betrayed his chagrin. + +Rest of the 665 Members content to look in later. By one o'clock House +full, Lobby overflowing. Difficult to move through the close ranks, +and yet there were many gaps. Ranks of old House more than decimated. +"There they go," said my young but fiery friend FURNISS, whom I came +upon in corner of Lobby, rapidly sketching with blurred eyesight. + +"Who go?" I asked, remembering with a start I had left my gold-nobbed +stick in the corner by the Post Office. + +"The Members we shall miss," he sobbed, lingering fondly over the +truculent curl of HERMON-HODGE's moustache. + +But if gone are some familiar faces, others come back. Glad to see +MACFARLANE in his old place below Gangway, and to find him later in +old seat in smoking-room. MACFARLANE didn't often speak in debate, +but usually had something to say. Was a Home-Ruler long before the +majority found salvation. Remember across the years how he put +whole case in crisp sentence when he adjured the deaf Government of +the day "not to attempt to enforce Greenwich-time at Dublin." If +BRIGHT had said that, or DIZZY, or Mr. G., the happy phrase would +have echoed down the corridors of time. But it was only an Irish +Member; MACFARLANE, then Member for Carlow. So it passed +unnoticed--unremembered rather than forgotten. + +_Business done._--Speaker elected. ARTHUR WELLESLEY PEEL for the +fourth time. House evidently under impression it can't have too much +of good thing. + +_Friday._--Pretty to watch growth of full-blown SPEAKER in New +Parliament. First stage--enters in ordinary morning dress, and +seats himself with other Members, diligently trying to look as if he +expected nothing to happen. Sore temptation for Members sitting near +him. Would like to slap him on the back, and ask how he got on through +his Election. Short of that, feel they must ask if he wants a pair? +Is he dining here? Is he going to have a smoke, or a stroll on the +Terrace? Next day, having meanwhile been proposed, seconded, and +inducted to Chair, SPEAKER-ELECT turns up in Court-dress, with +Bob-wig. This is Development-stage. Having reached it, proceeds to the +House of Lords, where he is patronisingly received by LORD CHANCELLOR. +("HALSBURY," SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE says, "peculiarly well up in +patronage.") This done, returns to Commons; disappears behind Chair; +SERGEANT-AT-ARMS counts twenty-three; presto! door re-opens; SPEAKER +re-appears in butterfly-trim, with full-bottomed wig, silk gown, and +shoon on which shimmer the sheen of silver buckles. + +No trifling with SPEAKER when this final stage reached. KEIR-HARDIE +took early opportunity of trying a fall with him--and got it. HARDIE +fresh from the coal-pit, represents West Ham; evidently determined +to pose as Stage Workman. "DON'T KEIR-HARDIE is my name," he said, +swaggering into House just now. "Don't keer a ---- for SPEAKER, or any +black-coated bloke. I'm the true British Workman, and will soon make +all you blooming gentry sit up." + +"Are you going to take the Oath?" said COBB. COBB always asking +questions. + +"Oath!" cried DON'T KEIR-HARDIE, "I'll take 'em in a moog." + +Put on his cap, and swaggered towards the table. "Order! order!" cried +SPEAKER, in tones of thunder. "DON'T KEIR-HARDIE is my name," said +Hon. Member for West Ham; "and blow me if--". Turned, and saw flashing +eye of SPEAKER bent upon him. Slowly his hand went up to his head; the +cap came off, was crumpled up, and put in his pocket. + +"Will you take the oath, or make affirmation?" asked MILMAN, stuck +between two tables, but always ready to oblige. + +"Don't keer which," said DON'T KEIR-HARDIE; but, possibly from force +of habit, took the oath. + +"If OLD MORALITY was still with us, my friend," said BURT, gravely, +"he would be able to cite for your edification a copy-head showing how +Don't Care came to a bad end." + +_Business done._--Swearing going on in both Houses. Our Army in +Flanders quite respectable by comparison. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BLASE. + +_Enthusiastic Lady Amateur._ "OH, WHAT A PITY! WE'VE JUST MISSED THE +FIRST ACT!" + +_Languid Friend._ "HAVE WE? AH--RATHER GLAD. I ALWAYS THINK THE CHIEF +PLEASURE OF GOING TO A THEATRE IS TRYING TO MAKE OUT WHAT THE FIRST +ACT WAS ABOUT!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM NATURE. + +LITTLE MISS FACING-BOTH-WAYS AND HER DOG DOUBLE-OR-QUITS!] + + * * * * * + +ASPIRATION. + +_BY A WEARY SECULAR SCRIBE._ + + Oh, to be a Pulpiteer! + Purists may fie-fie, or sneer. + But, when wit and fancy fail, + To produce your twice-cooked kail + (As "a traveller") must be nice. + Nor are you confined to _twice_; + Hashed, rehashed, and hashed again, + Garnished--from another brain, + Seasoned--from another cruet, + You may roast, or boil, or stew it + O'er and o'er, year in year out, + As you perorate about, + Seek, when weary,--o'ertasked elves! + "Inspiration" from your shelves. + Salt it here, and sauce it there, + Saying nothing, since none care + To make question, taking pay, + Yes, and praise upon your way, + For--well, ere the thing is through, + What is what and who is who, + It might puzzle you to tell; + Still you "think it right"! Ah, well! + This philosophy peripatetic + Strikes a chord that's sympathetic + In the breast of secular scribe; + Nothing, it is true, would bribe + Him to play the pious prig, + But--he heaves a sigh that's big + Murmuring, enviously I fear,-- + Oh, to be a Pulpiteer! + + * * * * * + +A CAUDAL LECTURE; + +_OR, DARWINISM IN THE CRICKET FIELD._ + + When Man first arose from the primitive Ape, + He first dropped his tail, and took on a new shape. + But Cricketing Man, born to trundle and swipe, + Reversion displays to the earlier type; + For a cricketing team, when beginning to fail, + Always loses its "form," and "developes a tail"! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THINGS IN GINERAL. + +I was only jest a thinkin the other day, what werry distinguisht +honner Her Most Grashus Madgesty the QUEEN would bestow on the Rite +Honerabel the LORD MARE, when the rite time cum. But I was ardly +prepaird for the acshal fack! + +I reelly coudn't have bleeved it if I hadn't a had it red out to me +from a most respecfool Mornin Paper; so in course it must be trew. +Yes, the Rite Honorabel the LORD MARE is not only to be a Nite, like +other Lord Mares, but the QUEEN has acshally made him a Nite Commander +of the most xtinguisht Order of Saint Mikel, and, not sattisfide with +ewen that, Her MADGESTY has also made him a Nite Commander of the +other most xtinguisht Order of Saint George! + +It is fortnit that Sir DAVID's year of offis will soon end, or he mite +have fownd it diffikult to carry out his ushal LORD MARE's numerus +dootys, while Commanding two sitch xtinguisht Orders as them as is +named above. + +My Amerricane Friend has turnd up agane at our bewtifool Grand Otel. +He says as they has had orful whether wear he has cum from, but +all the hole week he has had in grand old Lundon has bin most luvly +Sun-Shine, as it amost allers is in Spring, he says he's told. As he +luckly didn't appen for to arsk for no arnser, of course I didn't give +him not none; but I coudn't help a thinkin as how as if he had bin +here in our late hurly Spring, he might ha bin inclined jest a leetel +to halter his good opinyon. + +We had qwite a plezzent chat while I atended upon him at Lunch. He +wants to kno more about our LORD MARE. Fust of all, how much munney +he gits; and, when I told him jest ten thowsand pounds for his year +of offics, he xclaimd, "Why, that's the werry same sum as we gives +our President, who, you know, is reelly our King!" So I said, "Does he +find it enuff for him, Sir?" "Oh yes," he says, "quite." "Well," says +I, "it don't seem a werry big salery for the King of such a big plaice +as Amerrikey, when I appens to know that the LORD MARE of our little +Lundon, which is ony about one mile big, has to spend more than +another ten thousand pounds out of his own pocket afore he's finished +his year!" "Well," he says, "you do estonish me; but everythink's +estonishing in your grand old Citty! How do they send him his money?" +I told him as the Chamberlane, who was allers cram full of munney, +took it him every quarter-day. "Ah," says he, "we send our President, +on the 26th of evry month, exakly eight hundred and thirty-three +pounds, six-and-eight pence." "Ah," I said, "I am rayther serprized +as he shoud condersend to take the odd six-and-eight. I'm quite shure +our LORD MARE woudn't do so. I bleeve as he never has not nothink less +than Bank-notes and suvreigns, but allers plenty of 'em." "How many +dinners does he give during the year?" says he. "Ah, Sir," says I, +"that's rayther a staggering qweshun to arnser. Me and BROWN has often +tried our hands at it, but ginerally breaks down about Witsuntide; +but I shoud say sumwares about three thowsand, and about twice as +many lunchons." "Good grayshus!" says the Amerricane, "what a number!" +"Yes," says I, "and so much is they thort on, that p'raps the werry +greatest trubbel that has worrited the manly bussoms of Lord SORLSBUBY +and all his brother Ministers is the mellancolly fack, that they has +bin compelld to decline the LORD MARE's customery Ministerial Bankwet +this year, coz they coudn't tell for serten whether they would be the +Ministers to go to it! And the LORD MARE to drown his sorrer has gone +and berried hisself in the 'art of Scotland!" "What a sad story to be +shure!" said my Amerricane, with a sigh! "Yes, Sir," I replied, "these +are sum of the many trubbels as our werry greatest men has to endewr, +and happy is he who does not quiver when he has his arrow full of +'em!" And so we parted. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +TO MISS AIDA JENOURE. + +(_ON THE WITHDRAWAL OF "THE MOUNTEBANKS."_) + + Dear AIDA, good-bye; since it must be, it must; + Yet your slaves view your absence from Town with disgust. + For myself, I'd as soon live at Shipston-on-Stour + As endure life in London without our JENOURE. + Sprightly Mountebank AIDA, sweet Mistress of Arts, + You smiled as you danced yourself into our hearts. + And now from the Strand to the Vale of far Maida + There's only one chorus--"Come back to us, AIDA!" + _Les absents_, you know the old maxim, _ont tort_, + Wherefore dance yourself back, and be present once more. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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