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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 2, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 21, 2005 [EBook #15121]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+May 2nd, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the Alliance.
+New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd.
+
+       ***
+
+America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but there is
+no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will take on
+Mexico if America will take on Ireland.
+
+       ***
+
+VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that future
+alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as heretofore,
+the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste.
+
+       ***
+
+"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always felt
+that that is where the castigation should take place.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ reminds us that Downing Street owes its origin to an
+American. There are some people who never will let bygones be bygones.
+
+       ***
+
+Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in Victoria,
+Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in each rural
+area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in the present
+election campaign.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Tageblatt_ points out that in view of the extreme goodwill of Germany
+towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance in the
+torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted friendliness has
+confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in Madrid.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game of
+golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire that
+the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the war-area.
+
+       ***
+
+The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This
+violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister
+who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has
+gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed, ordinary
+handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting the
+horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not seem
+to have struck the imagination of trainers.
+
+       ***
+
+The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several thousand
+milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are being taken
+care of by other Departments.
+
+       ***
+
+"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr. SALEEBY,
+"than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are certainly
+having persistent bad luck.
+
+       ***
+
+The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now seeking
+to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is
+this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is
+causing some of her best friends in this country to lose hope.
+
+       ***
+
+A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but _The
+Daily Mail_ is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or not.
+
+       ***
+
+"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold for
+£1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the egg
+might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the picture.
+
+       ***
+
+In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten wheat
+imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will result in a
+greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their stock.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire nation
+is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised, "continue to eat
+in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have heard.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one
+organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat Institution
+is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to
+convince us that he is quite himself again.
+
+       ***
+
+We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count REVENTLOW.
+He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own business."
+
+       ***
+
+There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last year.
+It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.
+
+       ***
+
+A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop sixty-five
+grains of corn--enough to produce half a sack of wheat. In fairness to the
+bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of this.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the number of
+jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal the old
+technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at his own
+inquest.
+
+       ***
+
+"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern police
+court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to have that
+sort of memory than that sort of face.
+
+       ***
+
+At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted Cardinal
+BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the CARDINAL had
+offended the young Cubs.
+
+       ***
+
+Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the premises of
+persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past have been in the
+habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt with in other ways.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing in
+price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become so
+dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall stage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS THESE TIMES?"
+
+"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE AGE AND SO HE CAN'T BE A
+CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.
+
+    [_The Frankfurter Zeitung_ protests against the idea that "the KAISER
+    in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his dynasty
+    to have access to his thoughts."]
+
+  Among the penalties imposed on Kings
+    Who govern absolutely by divine right,
+  I am no more affected by the things
+    That Socialists and other dirty swine write
+          Than when a pin is thrust
+    Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust.
+
+  But now I deign to answer, even I,
+    The vilest yet of these revolting sallies,
+  Where they allege that when our German sky
+    Rocks to the air of "_Deutschland über alles_,"
+          "_Und Ich,_" I add (aside),
+  "_Ich über Deutschland!_" There the blighters lied.
+
+  I'm not like that. I never use the first
+    Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS,
+  Who said (in French--a tongue I deem accurst),
+    "_L'etat, c'est moi._" My conscience, clear and dewy,
+          Tells me that, as a Kaiser,
+  I am a very poor self-advertiser.
+
+  This is a feature of our dynasty;
+    And no historian who has ever studied
+  The traits peculiar to the family tree
+    On which the Hohenzollern _genus_ budded
+          In all that noble list
+    Has come across a single egoist.
+
+  They loved their people better than their throne;
+    Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom;
+  They never said, "Your souls are not your own,
+    But simply there in case your King should need 'em;"
+          They would have thought it odd
+    To want to be regarded as a god.
+
+  Thus have I served my land; and if a wave
+    Of lurid revolution overswept her,
+  And I, her loyal and obedient slave,
+    Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre,
+          That grace I'd freely do,
+    And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.
+
+The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots who,
+without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth of their
+store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and
+encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:--
+
+THE BRITISH NAVY.
+
+We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and all
+the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT
+invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis in.
+When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum because
+the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have got an
+uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days sailers
+had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other end of
+the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble quick.
+But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite now but
+this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the sailers, as
+you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they like them very
+much.
+
+JOHN BRIGHT (age 9-1/2).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLGIERS.
+
+Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you
+arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos
+it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well.
+It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos they
+get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war solgiers
+were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly good. Granpa
+is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he is quite nice
+but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be a solgier when I
+grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to be someone with a
+sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum.
+
+DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICA.
+
+America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we mean
+the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a king they
+used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King we have now
+or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a President who
+does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts a short time
+like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President there are men
+called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of princes and
+dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't like them but
+because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if they have to
+fight they can do it all right Father says.
+
+MARY GREY (age 10).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ALLIES.
+
+It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our Allies.
+They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, and
+America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good number. To begin
+with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and polite people which
+is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee and for their
+fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women can cook. How
+beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her sister country
+in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light one. Now let us
+look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the Germans thought
+they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as the bravery and
+patrioticness of the French troops came in the way. Belgium is the next on
+the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany is a big one so of course
+the Germans had the best of it at first but they won't much longer. So it
+will be all right soon if we dont eat too many sweets and things. Russia,
+Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America and Montynegro, which I forgot
+before, are all splendid countries but space forbids more.
+
+KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each for
+himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being
+    hushed to the front incessantly."--_Star._
+
+We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of singing as
+he goes into battle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out
+    would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some
+    expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the
+    Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'--which, of course, are the Latin names
+    of garden insects."--_Pearson's Weekly._
+
+Clearly a case of nature mimicry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SELF-PROTECTION.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I'VE INVESTED A MINT OF MONEY IN OTHER LANDS, IT'S TIME I PUT
+SOMETHING INTO MY OWN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVIVALS AND REVISIONS.
+
+"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph on
+SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the Band of
+Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way with
+_Hamlet_ is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New authors can
+be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be stronger or
+weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is henceforward to be
+revised, and fairly stringently too.
+
+Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of _Hamlet_ which
+interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned motives
+and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in discrimination,
+SHAKSPEARE did his best to make _Hamlet_ a poetical as well as a dramatic
+tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the mass of rhetoric with
+which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr. IRVING's task to prune this
+well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so that the real dramatic stuff
+can at last "get over." But he has done no more. Any rumour to the effect
+that he has introduced American songs or dances, or that a "joy plank"
+bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue and deserves the severest denial.
+
+One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been
+interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis--and by great he means
+those most likely to become revivalists--says that it is the same tale with
+all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home near the Zoo, in
+his study furnished with the works of all the greatest writers, from the
+Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was perfectly true that
+he was contemplating a revival of _The Three Musketeers_, with certain
+alterations to bring it into line with modern taste in warrior heroes.
+
+"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear khaki.
+Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also be
+transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly. Thus
+_D'Artagnan_ will become an airman, _Aramis_ a padre with fighting
+instincts, _Athos_ a general, and _Porthos_ an officer in the A.S.C. A
+certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary, but that will
+come."
+
+In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith and
+Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany, knows, a
+conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit the North
+Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing.
+
+"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing _The Bells_. Mr. IRVING has kindly
+leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the plot, nor
+does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made so famous by
+Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to suit Mr. LESLIE
+HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of thinking,"--here the young officer
+saluted--"no funnier comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing
+the title from _The Bells_ to _The Belles_, as being more in keeping with
+Gaiety traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID
+BEATTY wants me."
+
+But the most interesting case of revision will be that of _The School for
+Scandal_, because, two managements being at work upon it, each with
+somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the same time,
+with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays. And this
+suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that one old play
+can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly conscientious
+brains through which it passes. The two managers who have cast longing eyes
+on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr. OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR
+HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of life for this play if it is
+taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore arranged an acting version which
+will occupy about an hour, with laughs. By eliminating the word "sentiment"
+alone, which is tediously harped upon, several minutes are saved. Some of
+_Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle's_ repetition of the word "Never" also goes.
+The satirical conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of
+date, and the whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE
+also is re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the
+play lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has
+therefore kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of
+scene to Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this
+change, even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force
+is gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as _Mrs.
+Candour_ (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but
+natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play _Charles Surface_, with the accent on
+the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths and the simple
+life.
+
+In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends the
+following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops to Cinema; or, The
+Mistakes of a Knight_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER
+LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD CONTROL.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for
+our Post-Office employees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--_Evening News_ (_Portsmouth_).
+
+Horse-racing in war-time _is_ rather a sorry business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in
+    good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General Headquarters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Skinner._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE RATIONING?"
+
+_Podmore._ "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY BELT."
+
+_Skinner._ "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM A FULL HEART.
+
+          In days of peace my fellow-men
+            Rightly regarded me as more like
+          A Bishop than a Major-Gen.,
+            And nothing since has made me warlike;
+          But when this age-long struggle ends
+            And I have seen the Allies dish up
+          The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends!
+            I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop.
+
+  _When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_
+  _I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_
+  _When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,_
+  _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe._
+
+          I never really longed for gore,
+            And any taste for red corpuscles
+          That lingered with me left before
+            The German troops had entered Brussels.
+          In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!"
+            Froze me; and, as the War grew older,
+          The noise of someone else's gun
+            Left me considerably colder.
+
+  _When the War is over and the battle has been won,_
+  _I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;_
+  _When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,_
+  _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think._
+
+          The Captains and the Kings depart--
+            It may be so, but not lieutenants;
+          Dawn after weary dawn I start
+            The never-ending round of penance;
+          One rock amid the welter stands
+            On which my gaze is fixed intently--
+          An after-life in quiet lands
+            Lived very lazily and gently.
+
+  _When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,_
+  _I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;_
+  _When the War is over and we've finished up the show,_
+  _I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow._
+
+      Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle,
+      And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle,
+      And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver,
+      And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver,
+      And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting,
+      And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting--
+      Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ...
+          Say, starting on Saturday week.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THINGS THAT MATTER IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    "Among the audience the Duchess of ----'s slim height and long neck,
+    swathed in sables, stood out."--_Evening Standard._
+
+    "Mrs. ---- was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, collared
+    with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."--_Daily Sketch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over
+    the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained
+    fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog
+    rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."--_Vancouver Daily Province._
+
+It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of machines
+of the new type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LX.
+
+My dear CHARLES,--Those who insist that between the Higher Commands on
+either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard each other's
+personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views. Recent movements
+show that there is no such bargain, or else that the lawless Hun has broken
+it. He has attained little else by his destructiveness save the discomfort
+of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily,
+perhaps, owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love
+difficulties to overcome. That is their business in life.
+
+It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q. would
+move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his front-
+door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and confining to
+their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to isolate himself
+from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier himself, however, he
+was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming difficulties. He was seen
+hovering about, as good as asking for the instructions he most dreaded. And
+he got them, short and sharp, as all good military instructions should be.
+
+If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to another,
+and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be there, I
+should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C. asked for a
+fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now the 31st. We
+should move to the new place about the 7th," said the Highest Authority.
+"Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became permanently and irrevocably
+fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his accomplices the thing was as
+good as done.
+
+The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the period of
+unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department, learning by instinct
+what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had long suspected, its own
+immediate and paramount importance. Every department appointed a
+representative to go round and see the C.C. about it, another
+representative to write to him about it, and a third to ring him up on the
+telephone, and go on ringing him up on the telephone, about it. The only
+departments that kept modestly in the background were those upon which the
+execution of the move fell. The C.C., noting the queue of representatives
+at his front-door and the agitation of his telephone, slipped out by the
+back-door, and went to look for the workers, and, when he'd found them, he
+lived with them, night and day, here, there and everywhere.
+
+Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed the
+C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They said
+things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile also the
+departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew bitter and
+restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil.
+
+I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of milk
+supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of difficulty a
+soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new camp there was
+no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and again the thing
+was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to think out a cow, so to
+speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment, transport, housing,
+maintenance and education. A man of infinite variety, the arrival of the
+cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He could not even begin to solve
+the food question. To him it seemed there were only two alternatives for
+the beast: bully beef or ration allowance at three francs a day in lieu of
+rations. The cow, he was told, was entitled and likely to refuse both.
+
+We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like food,"
+said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more difficult and
+complicated matters of establishment we will issue your orders." These ran:
+"Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on your Weekly Strength
+Return, with a statement of all casualties affecting same. Casualties
+include admission to or evacuation from hospital; change of address;
+marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom. (2) To be brought on the proper
+establishment of H.Q., it should be shown as 'Officer's Charger, one,' and
+should be trained and employed by you as such. (3) Please report action
+taken, and whether by you or by the Cow."
+
+Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and hearkening to the
+cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old regiment took occasion to
+march through the village and, in so doing, added insult to injury. The
+regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a goat; the goat fell out on the
+march and went sick. It did this in that portion of the C.C.'s front garden
+which was not already occupied by the cow, and its orders from the Colonel,
+who was its C.O. and had once been the Camp Commandant's C.O., were to
+remain with the C.C. and upon his charge till called for. This is all a
+very true story, but it's poor rations I'll be getting from the C.C. during
+what remains of this War for divulging it.
+
+Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly General
+to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly important department
+or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As there is no terrible
+complication which may not occur in the life of such, so there is no bitter
+irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon of April 6th found the
+C.C. on the site of the now camp, surrounded by confusion and an angry
+crowd of experts. There had been words and more words; there had only just
+not been blows, and all with regard to this wretched and incessant subject
+of April 7th. The C.C., never broad-minded on the point, had become
+positively ridiculous and tiresome about that irrevocable date, April 7th.
+It was a dull subject in any case, said the experts, but in the
+circumstances it was inane and cruel to go on insisting on it. R.E.,
+Lorries, Signals and all their suites, not having been on too friendly
+terms among themselves these latter days, were fast becoming united in
+their intense loathing of the C.C. and his everlasting and impossible April
+7th.
+
+At this moment the Highest Authority itself arrived on the scene to have a
+look at it. He was not in the least discontented with what he saw; he was
+inclined to congratulate the experts upon their expedition.
+
+"We shall be hard put to it, Sir," said the C.C., "to be ready for
+to-morrow."
+
+"To-morrow?" said the Highest Authority. "Why to-morrow particularly?"
+
+"To-morrow is the 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with sinister emphasis.
+
+"And what about it if it is?" asked the Highest Authority.
+
+"We have to move in here on April 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with almost an
+injured note in his voice.
+
+"Have you?" said the Highest Authority. "Why?"
+
+The experts saluted and moved off, commenting quietly among themselves upon
+the good sense and magnanimity of the Highest Authority. As for that Camp
+Commandant--
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD BEFORE CLOTHES.
+
+    "Exchange Fawn Costume, slight figure, good condition, for two broody
+    hens."--_The Smallholder._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEROINE OF THE NEW NOVEL.
+
+[Illustration: "BUT I CANNOT LINGER THUS WITH YOU, SIR REGINALD," SAID THE
+RUSTIC BEAUTY; "I HAVE TO CLEAN THE PIG-STY." SHE PAUSED, AND THEN ALMOST
+INAUDIBLY, "YOU MAY HELP ME, IF YOU LIKE."
+
+SIR REGINALD VAVASOUR'S HEART LEAPT WITHIN HIM.]
+
+[Illustration: AT LAST HE HAD HIS CHANCE. "HOW MUCH IS IT TO THE MARBLE
+ARCH?" HE ASKED.
+
+"TUPPENCE," SHE REPLIED SOFTLY; AND THE SIMPLE WORD RANG THROUGH EVERY
+FIBRE OF HIS BODY.]
+
+[Illustration: DUSK WAS DESCENDING. HIS BACK TYRE WAS PUNCTURED, AND HE WAS
+ALONE--LOST IN THE WILD MOORLAND. SUDDENLY A CHEERY YOUNG VOICE SMOTE UPON
+HIS EAR: "WHAT'S UP, OLD CHAP? CAN I BE ANY USE?"]
+
+[Illustration: "OH, I'M SO FEARFULLY SORRY!" SAID A SWEET YOUNG VOICE IN
+DISTRESSED ACCENTS. AND THEN HE BECAME AWARE OF A DAINTY LITTLE FOOT AND
+ANKLE COYLY PROTRUDING FROM A BLUE TROUSER ALMOST AT A LEVEL WITH HIS EYE.]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORIAM.
+
+FRANCIS COWLEY BURNAND,
+
+1836--1917.
+
+EDITOR OF "PUNCH," 1880--1906.
+
+  Hail and Farewell, dear Brother of the Pen,
+  Maker of sunshine for the minds of men,
+  Lord of bright cheer and master of our hearts--
+  What plaint is fit when such a friend departs?
+  Not with mere ceremonial words of woe
+  Come we to mourn--you would not have it so;
+  But with our memories stored with joyous fun,
+  Your constant largesse till your life was done,
+  With quips, that flashed through frequent twists and bends,
+  Caught from the common intercourse of friends;
+  And gay allusions gayer for the zest
+  Of one who hurt no friend and spared no jest.
+  What arts were yours that taught you to indite
+  What all men thought, but only you could write!
+  That wrung from gloom itself a fleeting smile;
+  Rippled with laughter but refrained from guile;
+  Led you to prick some bladder of conceit
+  Or trip intrusive folly's blundering feet,
+  While wisdom at your call came down to earth,
+  Unbent awhile and gave a hand to mirth!
+
+  You too had pondered mid your jesting strife
+  The deeper issues of our mortal life;
+  Guided to God by faith no doubt could dim
+  You fought your fight and left the rest to Him,
+  Content to set your heart on things above
+  And rule your days by laughter and by love.
+  Rest in our memories! You are guarded there
+  By those who knew you as you lived and were.
+  There mid our Happy Thoughts you take your stand,
+  A sun-girt shade, and light that shadow-land.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Captain_ (_newly attached_). "ER--IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D
+LIKE ME TO GET ON TO, SIR?"
+
+_Major_ (_regimental economist_). "AH, YES! I WISH YOU'D JUST LOOK AFTER
+THE BONES AND DRIPPING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+VIII.
+
+SOUR GRAPES.
+
+"I have no doubt," said the fox, after a last futile attempt to reach them,
+"that the grapes are sour;" and he went off slowly down the hill.
+
+At the bottom of the hill a barrel was lying, and the philosopher was
+filled with new hope. "The very thing," he said to himself.
+
+He put his shoulder to the barrel and pushed and panted and panted and
+pushed till he got it nearly to the top. But it broke away at the last
+moment and rolled down the hill.
+
+He rolled it up again and again perseveringly. He tried as often as
+Sisyphus. He tried indeed just once more, because at last he succeeded and
+the barrel was placed on end under the vine.
+
+Joyfully he climbed on the barrel and bit at the fruit.
+
+Then he jumped down with a bark of disgust.
+
+The grapes _were_ sour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mutiny aboard a German U-boat, aided by the demolarizing effects of a
+    submarine bomb, made the diver a prize of the British Admiralty and her
+    crew the willing prisoners of a patrol boat."--_Ottawa Evening
+    Journal._
+
+This kind of bomb--the demolariser--is just what we want to draw the
+enemy's teeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE END OF THE THOUSAND-AND-ONE NIGHTS.
+
+THE OFFICIAL STORY-TELLER (_to Wilhelm-al-Raschid_). "I CAN'T THINK OF ANY
+FRESH FAIRY TALES. WOULD YOU LIKE A TRUE ONE NOW?"
+
+[April 30th was the thousand-and-first day of the War.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 23rd._--Any intelligent foreigner who obtained admission to
+the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in the expectation that on the
+feast-day of our national saint and the birthday of our national poet he
+would be privileged to listen to a series of eloquent speeches upon
+patriotism, delivered by our most accomplished orators, must have been
+deeply disappointed. The one subject that the House of Commons seems to
+care about is food.
+
+The CONTROLLER has hit one section of the House in its tenderest portion.
+Those Members who make their mid-day meal off tea and bread-and-butter
+think it very hard that they should be allowed no more bread than others
+who take the full luncheon. On their behalf Mr. LONDON, like _The
+Carpenter_, said, "Give us another slice." But, despite a slight facial
+resemblance to _The Walrus_, Colonel LOCKWOOD was inexorable.
+
+The late Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY was once described by his ex-leader as "a nice
+old gentleman for a quiet tea-party." If anyone had said that a Sunday-
+School treat would furnish the appropriate _milieu_ for that ardent
+Pacifist, Mr. JOWETT, I should, until this afternoon, have been inclined to
+agree with him. But it is evident that his acquaintance with Sunday-School
+treats is purely academic, for in requesting the FOOD CONTROLLER to remove
+the ban lately placed upon them he spoke of the treat as a "simple meal,
+consisting of _a_ bun and tea only." The italic is our own comment on this
+estimate of the capacity of our brave tea-fighters.
+
+_Tuesday, April 24th._--Those Members to whom their constituents have given
+notice to quit at the next election, and who have recently been somewhat
+depressed by the thought of the impending loss to the nation of their
+valuable services, are plucking up heart again now that the life of
+Parliament is to be once more extended. Mr. KING, for example, was in his
+best form this afternoon. It goes without saying that his advice to the
+Board of Agriculture to set a good example to the country by sending their
+racehorses out to grass was well received, for any reference to the
+Government stud is equivalent to the "Pass the mustard" of the established
+humourist. His real success came when Mr. BONAR LAW denied that Sir GEORGE
+MCCRAE had been appointed Chief Whip to the Government. Mr. KING drawled
+out, "As _The Times_ has stated that this gentleman was so appointed will
+its foreign circulation be stopped?" Then the laughter came spontaneous and
+loud.
+
+[Illustration: _Hodge._ "I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."]
+
+Another little joke which tickled the House was, I suspect, the outcome of
+a conspiracy. At least I cannot understand why Mr. OUTHWAITE should have
+been so anxious to know the amount of ginger imported into this country
+last year, unless it was to afford Mr. MACVEAGH an opportunity of asking,
+when the amount, some three thousand tons, had been announced, "How is it
+that the new Government has got none of it?"
+
+There is a growing tendency on the part of Ministers, when charged with the
+conduct of a Bill, to speak of it as "a poor thing not mine own." They
+imagine, I suppose, that an air of deprecation, not to say depreciation, is
+likely to commend the measure to an audience in which party-spirit is
+supposed to be defunct.
+
+[Illustration: VISCOUNT CHAPLIN MAKING NOTES ON THE MILLENNIUM FROM THE
+PEERS' GALLERY.]
+
+At first it seemed as if Mr. PROTHERO, in moving the second reading of the
+Corn Production Bill, was going to adopt the modern attitude of
+_insouciance_, for he spoke of it as "bristling with controversial points"
+(as if it were intended to promote the growth of quite another kind of
+corn), and observed that he himself had originally been opposed to State
+interference with agriculture. But he soon warmed to his work, and spoke
+with all the zeal of the convert. Among his most appreciative listeners
+were the occupants of the Peers' Gallery--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, who has
+transformed the sword of Blenheim into a ploughshare, and Viscount CHAPLIN,
+to whom the announcement of State bounties for wheat-growing seems like the
+arrival of the Millennium.
+
+Another ex-Minister of Agriculture was, to put it mildly, less
+enthusiastic. I should be doing Mr. RUNCIMAN little injustice to say that
+for the moment the politician in him rose superior to the patriot. If after
+the War the old party-quarrels are to break out again with all their fatal
+futility I can imagine that Liberal wire-pullers in the rural districts
+will be much embarrassed by the existence of bounties which economically
+they cannot approve but which politically they dare not remove. But surely
+we shall have learned our lesson badly if the old strife of Tory and
+Liberal is to be revived in all its former virulence and sterility. Besides
+there is the Labour Party to be considered, as Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS reminded
+the House in the best speech he has made since he went on the Treasury
+Bench. He pointed out that if high wages and good conditions were to be
+secured for agricultural workers the prosperity of the agricultural
+industry as a whole must be ensured; and he hoped that the policy of
+State-aid would not stop there. No wonder the hard-shell Free Traders
+looked glum.
+
+Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must be careful or he will jeopardize his reputation as a
+humourist. Mr. PARTINGTON having asked whether the Government would put
+down their racehorses, the gallant Admiral could think of no better jest
+than that the proposal was as futile as that of the hon. Member's namesake,
+who endeavoured to keep out the Atlantic with a mop. Shortly afterwards Mr.
+YEO asked whether the Government would consider the destruction of cats,
+with a view, perhaps, to the suppression of MEUX.
+
+The Corn Production Bill had to run the gauntlet of a good many criticisms
+during the second day's debate. The unkindest cut of all was delivered by
+the SPEAKER. Mr. MOLTENO had asked whether Members who were landowners or
+farmers might vote on a measure affecting their financial interests, and
+Mr. LOWTHER replied that the benefits were "so problematical and so
+uncertain" that he thought they might. Mr. MOLTENO used his freedom to vote
+against the Second Reading; but only a handful of Members followed his
+example. Mr. RUNCIMAN and his friends decided that abstention was the
+better part of valour.
+
+_Thursday, April 26th._--Major BAIRD made a modest and candid defence of
+the Air Board against its many critics. He did not pretend that they were
+yet satisfied--in the case of so new a service there could be no finality--
+but he claimed that the departments had worked much more harmoniously since
+they were all housed under the hospitable roof of the Hotel Cecil, a
+statement which Lord HUGH of that ilk subsequently endorsed. Major BAIRD,
+despite the general mildness of his voice and demeanour, can deliver a good
+hard knock on occasion. He warned the House against indulging in a certain
+class of criticism, on the ground that there was no surer way of killing an
+airman than to destroy his confidence in the machine he was flying; and he
+asserted that the "mastery of the air" was a meaningless phrase impossible
+of realization. I think Mr. PEMBERTON-HICKS and Mr. JOYNSON-BILLING took
+the rebuke to heart, for they were much less aggressive than usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BE A GOOD BOY AND STOP YOUR 'OLLERIN, AND I'LL LET YER SEE
+THE OLD GENT FALL ORF THE BUS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SICK.
+
+  Dear MR. PUNCH,--Excuse this tosh,
+  But I've succumbed to measles (Bosch),
+  And all my dreary hours are spent
+  Inside a vast and gloomy tent.
+  So, as I'm feeling rather blue,
+  I thought I'd better write to you.
+  All known diseases here you'll find
+  (This letter's steamed, you needn't mind);
+  But in my tent there's only one,
+  I'm glad to say, viz., measles (Hun).
+  The Nurses all are Scotch and stout,
+  So are the drinks I do without;
+  I don't complain of lack of fruit--
+  At least we don't get arrowroot--
+  Nor have I even ever seen a
+  Single plate of semolina.
+  So life is not so bad, you see,
+  Except for chlorine in the tea.
+  I think that's all, so now will end,
+  Hoping this finds you, dearest friend,
+  Just as it leaves me, in the pink
+  (My rash is not quite gone, I think).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Now those precious divisions have to be hurled into the furnace to
+    avert a veritable landslide."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+The shortage of men in the German Army has evidently been exaggerated. This
+confirms the evidence from other sources that they have troops to burn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"HAMLET."
+
+To prepare a very own version of _Hamlet_ and play it with credit--that is
+still the blue riband of the Stage. Mr. H.B. IRVING has fairly won it. The
+version seemed to me apt. He tells us that his main purpose was to bring
+out the story as if for those who had never seen the play before. It is a
+rational point of view, and certainly it seemed a distinct improvement not
+to lose sight of _Hamlet's_ adventure to England, as is commonly the case,
+and to keep the essential sequence of events and the personality of the
+Prince constantly before the audience. The justification of the heroic cuts
+and adaptations was that the action did move faster towards the tragic end,
+instead of seeming to drag rather tiresomely as (be it confessed) it
+sometimes does.
+
+[Illustration: "OUR SON IS FAT AND SCANT OF BREATH."
+
+(We shouldn't have guessed it, but his own mother ought to know.)
+
+_Hamlet_ . . . . . . . MR. H.B. IRVING.]
+
+Observers contrasting this with Mr. IRVING'S earlier performance remarked a
+gain in depth and fire and a happier restraint of mannerism. It was a very
+notable and gracious piece of work. He has the player's first gift, an
+arresting personality. His elocution has distinction. He conveys the beauty
+of the words and the richness of the packed thought thoughtfully. The
+complex play of action and motive--the purpose blunted by overmuch
+thinking, the spurs to dull revenge, the self-contempt, the assumed antic
+disposition, at times the real mental disturbance--all this was set before
+us with a fine skill and resource. The "To be or not to be" soliloquy was
+masterly in its sincerity and restraint; the two broken love passages with
+_Ophelia_ showed a fine tenderness through the distraught, bitter mood. An
+ingenious turn was given to that difficult change of weapons in the fencing
+bout, though I doubt if the Sword Club would wholly have approved the
+technique of the fencing.
+
+Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT'S _Ophelia_ in the Mad Scene was full of beauty,
+sweetness and dignity--and we have so often been bored by our lesser
+_Ophelias_. A very fine performance. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was the foolish
+prating knave, a _Polonius_ robbed of his best speech, and the more
+consistent therefore. Mr. IRVING is obviously right in his view that
+_Polonius_ could never by any chance have given any such advice to his
+truculent son.
+
+One may congratulate the producer on the courage of his convictions. But I
+wonder if the Shakspearean tradition is really dying. The general quality
+of the performance was, it must be confessed, not inspiring. There was
+little of the king's divinity hedging _Claudius_; the _Queen_ (an always
+difficult part) was elaborately unconvincing, though played by a clever
+actress; _Guildenstern_ and awkward _Rosencrantz_ deserved any fate which
+awaited them in England. Neither _Laertes_ nor _Horatio_ seemed authentic.
+But Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' grave-digger had humour and avoided tedium. _Hamlet_
+was the thing.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Berlin official telegram states that the Kaiser has sent the
+    following telegram to the Crown Prince:--'The troops of all the German
+    tribes under your command, with steel-hard determination and strongly
+    led, have brought to failure the great French attempt to break through
+    on the Aisne and in Champagne. Also there, again, the infantry had to
+    bear the grunt.'"--_Northern Whig._
+
+The Imperial euphemism, we suppose, for the cry of "Kamerad!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW RATIONS.
+
+    "Joint Hospital Board, ----, 14th April, 1917. The above Board require
+    two Probationer Nurses for their Consumption."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent having observed in a morning paper the headline,
+"Pomeranians Surrender!" sends us a suggested contents-bill for _The
+Barking Gazette_:--
+
+  GREAT CAPTURE OF POMS!
+  PEKINESE BREAK OFF RELATIONS.
+  GREAT DANES NEUTRAL.
+  RAID BY TERRITORIAL FLYING CORPS
+    (SKY TERRIERS).
+  ROUT OF DALMATIANS.
+  FIELD-GREYHOUNDS DRIVEN OFF.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADJUTANT ON LEAVE.
+
+"Leave, I'm afraid," remarked the Adjutant, standing with his back to the
+fire and hitching his bath towel more securely over his left shoulder, "can
+only be granted now in special circumstances."
+
+Flying being prevented for that afternoon by the weather conditions, we had
+been playing hockey, and the Adjutant, who by virtue of seniority had just
+had first go at the bathroom, was in a warm and expansive mood. The rest of
+us sat about in his quarters awaiting our turns at a hot-water supply that
+would certainly cease to have anything warming or expansive about it by the
+time it reached the junior Second Lieutenant.
+
+"The question is," said that dejected officer, fixing the Adjutant with a
+watchful eye--"the question is, what are you going to regard as special
+circumstances?"
+
+"You state your circumstances to me officially to-morrow," said the
+Adjutant cheerfully, "and I'll tell you quickly enough whether they're
+special or not,"
+
+"I suppose," suggested the Stunt Pilot, "that a wedding would be a pretty
+special sort of circumstance, wouldn't it?"
+
+"That depends," replied the Adjutant. "Are you thinking of getting married
+yourself?"
+
+The Stunt Pilot said that he hadn't been, but if there was any leave going
+with it he might think of it.
+
+"One's simply got to get leave _somehow_," he complained. "What about a
+breach of promise case? Suppose I manage to get mixed up in a breach of
+promise case, wouldn't that do?"
+
+"That's no good," commented the Junior Officer gloomily. "You'd have to get
+leave for something else first before you could manage it."
+
+"And if you did," added the Adjutant severely, "you'd get leave for rather
+longer than you bargained for."
+
+"How about funerals?" put in the Equipment Officer hopefully. "Funerals are
+a fairly sound stunt, aren't they?"
+
+"Funerals," observed the Adjutant, "are played out. If you come to me
+to-morrow and talk about dead uncles and things I shall have all sorts of
+inquiries made that will surprise you. I've been had before by funerals.
+When I was in the Army"--the Adjutant talks like this since he was attached
+to the Flying Corps--"when I was in the Army there was a fellow who used to
+come to the orderly-room and talk funerals to me until I was sick of the
+sight of him. After some months of it I made him give me a written list of
+all his surviving relations, and then as he killed them off I used to
+scratch them out. I caught him at last on his third grandmother."
+
+"That's all very nice," said the Stunt Pilot, "but the question at present
+before the meeting is how are we poor beggars to get any leave?"
+
+"It's no good blaming me," returned the Adjutant blandly. "Command Orders
+are Command Orders."
+
+There was a brief silence, and then the Stunt Pilot lifted up his voice and
+spoke eloquently about the War Office and Brass Hats generally. He said
+that they had hearts of granite and were strangers to all loving-kindness.
+Their days were spent in idleness in the Metropolis (so said the Stunt
+Pilot), while he and his fellows drove rotten 'buses for hours together
+over the beastliest district in Europe. Of an evening the Carlton and the
+Piccadilly, the Bing Boys and the Bing Girls, all the delights of London
+were ready to their hands, while poor devils like himself, shorn of leave,
+were condemned to languish in a moth-eaten Mess in the society of such
+people as the Adjutant. Where was the sense in it, where the justice, and
+when the deuce were they, any of them, going to get a chance at the
+bath-room?
+
+The Adjutant regarded him with amused pity.
+
+"The fact of it is," he observed, "you people have been absolutely spoilt
+over leave. When I was in the Infantry we used to consider three or four
+days in six months quite handsome."
+
+The Stunt Pilot inquired sarcastically whether he meant three or four days'
+work or three or four days' leave.
+
+"I don't mind saying," pursued the Adjutant, ignoring this sally, "at the
+risk of making myself unpopular, that personally I think it's a very good
+thing that leave _has_ been cut down. My own opinion is that in the past
+there's been a lot too much leave flying about. Running up and down to
+London on leave isn't going to help beat the Germans. What we've got to do
+if we want to win this War is to--"
+
+At this moment the C.O. entered and put down a hockey-stick in the corner.
+
+"Thanks for the stick, Jervis," he said, and turned to go. "By the way,
+shall I see you at the orderly-room tomorrow before you go? What train are
+you catching?"
+
+The Adjutant hesitated for the fraction of a second.
+
+"Well, Sir," he said, "I thought of taking the 9.5."
+
+"I see," said the C.O. "Right-o. You won't be away longer than forty-eight
+hours, I suppose?"
+
+"Oh, no," said the Adjutant. "That'll do well, Sir."
+
+A brief astonished silence followed the C.O.'s departure, a silence broken
+by the excited tones of the Stunt Pilot.
+
+"The 9.5?" he cried. "Are you going to _London_?"
+
+The Adjutant lit a cigarette with some deliberation.
+
+"Only just for forty-eight hours," he remarked.
+
+"Forty-eight hours!" gasped the indignant Pilot; then, raising his voice to
+surmount the din, "Forty-eight hours' leave in London, and you've just been
+pouring out hot air about--"
+
+"_Leave?_" interrupted the Adjutant, in pained surprise. "What d'you mean
+by leave? I'm going on _duty_."
+
+A chorus of derisive laughter greeted the announcement. "Duty?" echoed the
+Stunt Pilot bitterly. "_What_ duty?"
+
+The Adjutant took another furl in his bath-towel.
+
+"If you really must know," he said composedly, "I'm going to buy a
+vacuum-cleaner for the Mess."
+
+"You infernal old wangler!" cried the outraged Pilot, when at last he was
+able to make himself heard. "Of course it takes forty-eight hours to buy a
+vacuum-cleaner, doesn't it?"
+
+"As a matter of fact," said the Adjutant solemnly, "my whole experience of
+vacuum-cleaners leads me to the conviction that you have to look at a great
+many of them before you can pick a really good one." He glanced round for
+his clothes. "And now if you fellows will get on with your baths, I've got
+an air mechanic coming in a minute or two to cut my hair. I expect I shall
+be far too busy in town for the next two days to have any time to waste on
+barbers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_to "land-lady"_). "HI, MISSIE, WHAT BE YE DOIN'
+WI TRACE-HORSE BEHIND, AND A LOAD LIKE THAT?"
+
+"_Land-lady._" "OH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN HE WAS IN FRONT HE WAS ALWAYS
+TURNING ROUND WRONG WAY ON, SO I JUST PUT HIM BEHIND TO HELP UP HILLS, LIKE
+THE RAILWAY ENGINES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENERAL POST.
+
+Everything was just as usual. I caught my tram at the corner of the street.
+It was the six o'clock car--I noticed the usual evening crowd, and they
+were all as bored and cross and frigid as usual.
+
+The old gentleman of the whiskers was, as usual, reading his evening paper.
+He looked personally affronted as I sat down beside him. The elderly
+relative--as I call her--was opposite to me. She had her small attaché-case
+and her knitting as usual, and she made me feel at a glance that my face
+bored her intolerably. For the rest, I saw the fat paterfamilias, the
+wish-I-had-a-motor lady, the pert flapper and all the crew who travel with
+dejected spirits to and fro on our suburban line.
+
+So far all was in order. Then the conductress came round.
+
+"Tuppenny," I murmured. "Albemarle Road."
+
+"What's your town?" she asked, taking a pencil from behind her ear.
+
+"Town? It's Albemarle Road I want."
+
+"But what town do you choose for Post?" she asked. "You've all got to have
+a town, you know. Don't make it too long. Hurry up! I've got to write you
+all down, and it's time to begin."
+
+"Pontresina," I gasped wildly. That seemed to be the only town I had ever
+heard of.
+
+"And you, Sir?" she was asking the old gentleman.
+
+"Macclesfield," he said very decidedly.
+
+The elderly relative was fidgeting to say hers. I could have guessed it
+would be St. Ives.
+
+The conductress made her way from one end to the other.
+
+"All got towns?" she asked. "You, Sir? Pernambuco? I do wish you'd stick to
+English names. Are you all ready?"
+
+She rang the bell.
+
+"Now," she said, "the gentleman on the stool has to catch. The Post is
+going from Paris to Pontresina."
+
+I rose and looked wildly down the car. The flapper was beckoning slightly.
+Her contemptuous boredom had vanished, and she looked a merry child again.
+I rushed, stumbled, rocked into her place; she sank with a gasp into mine.
+
+"York to St. Ives!"
+
+It was the paterfamilias who was up now, and the elderly relative was
+signing to him. In a breathless scurry she was in his place gasping beside
+me. For the first time in her life she spoke to me.
+
+"What an escape!" she said. "There, _he'_s caught--York, I mean. I don't
+know his proper name. It's odd, isn't it, we know each other's faces so
+well and yet we don't know each other's names. Now that we have towns for
+names, it will be far more friendly, won't it? I always called you Cicero
+to myself. Oh, I hardly know why--you looked a little satirical sometimes.
+But now you're Pontresina, of course."
+
+"Macclesfield to Pernambuco!"
+
+"There!" laughed my companion. "I knew Macclesfield would be caught--he's
+so stately, isn't he? But look how he's laughing. Do you know I never
+thought any of the people in this car _could_ laugh, or even smile. I do
+think this Society for the Abolition of Boredom in Public Conveyances is an
+excellent thing, don't you?"
+
+"Pontresina to St. Ives!"
+
+Breathlessly we changed places; her black hat was a little crooked, but she
+only laughed.
+
+"I've lost my knitting, too," she said, "but I don't mind. This exercise
+keeps one so warm these cold days."
+
+The game was in wild progress; the car rocked and jolted and the
+conductress shouted the names.
+
+"General Post!" she called. "Those inside change places with those
+outside."
+
+That was the most breathlessly exciting moment of the whole game. There was
+a solid struggling mass of humanity on the tram staircase. Those without
+were pushing frantically to come down; we were shoving to get up.
+
+The lady called St. Ives was thumping my shoulders.
+
+"Climb up the railing," she said.
+
+Somehow I did it, and leaned down to catch her hands and drag her upwards.
+We launched ourselves breathlessly on to the furthest seat.
+
+Stout old Macclesfield was the next. He had lost his hat and his white hair
+was ruffled.
+
+"I'm here," he said. "Macclesfield for ever!"
+
+The flapper had scrambled up the front staircase against the rules. She
+cast herself down beside Macclesfield.
+
+"Here I am, old dear," she exclaimed. "I left York simply _jammed_ in the
+wedge. Oh, isn't it fun? I never laughed so much. We never _can_ be serious
+with each other after this, can we?"
+
+St. Ives nodded.
+
+"I'll never forget Pontresina climbing the rail," she said. "I used to
+think him so haughty; now--"
+
+"Albemarle Road--don't you want Albemarle Road?" the conductress was asking
+me. She spoke very loudly.
+
+"Pontresina--I'm Pontresina," I answered.
+
+"This is Albemarle Road. If you're going on it'll be another penny," she
+insisted.
+
+I rose in bewilderment.
+
+St. Ives was looking at me while she knitted. I raised my hat to her and
+smiled. We had been such good friends all the evening--how could I ever
+forget it? But she did not smile; she only stared. She seemed to think I
+was mad. Macclesfield was reading his _Star_ just as if he had never hurled
+himself on to the top of the 'bus. The flapper was squinting at herself in
+a little pocket-mirror; she looked contemptuously at me as I passed. Old
+York was half asleep. One would think they had never been rushing about in
+that frantic General Post. And we were all inside the car again.
+
+It _was_ odd!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BLOKE WOT PAINTED THAT KNEW 'OW TO DO A BIT O' FOOD
+'OARDING, DIDN'T 'E?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'TWAS FIFTY YEARS AGO.
+
+(_Lines suggested by an old Magazine._)
+
+  Published the year I went to school--
+    The second of life's seven ages--
+  How fragrant of Victorian rule
+    Are these forgotten pages!
+  When meat and fruit were still uncanned;
+    When good CHARLES DICKENS still was writing;
+  And SWINBURNE'S poetry was banned
+    As rather too exciting.
+
+  No murmurs of impending strife
+    Were heard, no dark suggestions hinted;
+  Our novelists still looked on life
+    Through spectacles rose-tinted;
+  And Paris, in those giddy years,
+    Still laughed at OFFENBACH and SCHNEIDER,
+  Blind to the doom of blood and tears,
+    With none to warn or guide her.
+
+  The index and the authors' names,
+    Their stories and their lucubrations,
+  Recall old literary aims
+    And faded reputations;
+  We wonder at the influence
+    That SALA'S florid periods had on
+  His fellows, and the vogue immense
+    Of versatile Miss BRADDON.
+
+  And yet I read _Aurora Floyd_
+    In youth with rapture quite unholy--
+  Not in the way that I enjoyed
+    Mince-pies or roly-poly;
+  While "G.A.S." appeared to me
+    Like a Leonid fresh from starland,
+  Not the young lion that we see
+    Portrayed in _Friendship's Garland_.
+
+  And there are tinklings of the lute
+    In orthodox decorous fashion,
+  But altogether destitute
+    Of "elemental" passion;
+  And illustrations which refrain
+    From all that verges on the shady,
+  But glorify the whiskered swain,
+    The lachrymose young lady.
+
+  The sirens of the "sixties" showed
+    No inkling of our modern Circes,
+  And swells had not evolved the code
+    That guides our precious Percys;
+  Woman, in short, was grave or gay,
+    But not a problem or a riddle,
+  And maidens still were taught to play
+    The harp and not the fiddle.
+
+  And writers in the main eschewed
+    All topics tending to disquiet,
+  All efforts to reorganize
+    Our dogmas or our diet;
+  You could not carp at MENDELSSOHN
+    Without creating quite a scandal,
+  And rag-time on the gramophone
+    Had not supplanted HANDEL.
+
+  Blameless and wholesome in their way,
+    At times agreeably subacid,
+  I love these records of a day
+    Long dead, but calm and placid;
+  And with a sigh I now replace
+    This ancient volume of _Belgravia_
+  And turn the "latest news" to face
+    _Mutans amaris suavia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Rector's Daughter._ "HOW SPLENDID OF JOE JARVIS'S SON TO
+VOLUNTEER FOR THAT VERY DANGEROUS JOB! I'M SO GLAD HE GOT THE MILITARY
+MEDAL."
+
+_Mrs. Mullins_ (_not to be outdone_). "YES, MISS. AND _MY_ BOY COULD HAVE
+GOT IT TOO IF HE'D CARED TO HAVE TAKEN THE RISK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SLUMP IN MARIONETTES.
+
+    "For the first time for centuries the Old Bailey Sessions were opened
+    on Tuesday without the customary ceremonies connected with the
+    summoning of a Grand Judy."--_Lincolnshire Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'It was between half-past seven and eight,' said a fireman, 'and as I
+    was off duty I came out on deck for a blow. The force of the explosion
+    threw me along the deck for some yards.'"--_Daily Paper._
+
+"This is indeed a blow," said the gallant stoker--we _don't_ think.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HENRY, I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE TO THE URBAN COUNCIL AND TELL
+THEM TO SEND A DUSTMAN WHO TURNS HIS TOES _IN_. OUR ROCK BORDER'S BEING
+COMPLETELY RUINED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I have the feeling that when Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING called his new volume _A
+Diversity of Creatures_ (MACMILLAN) he was rather taking the word out of my
+mouth, or the sword out of my hand, or whatever one does for the confusion
+and discomforting of critics. Because it is just the extreme diversity of
+the tales herein which, while providing (as they say) something for all
+tastes, makes it very hard to appraise the book as a whole. In form it
+follows the KIPLING convention, endeared to us by so much pleasure, of
+sandwiching prose and verse, the poems echoing the idea of the tale that
+has preceded them, and themselves likely to prove for many the most
+attractive pages of the book. As for the stories, here we get diversity
+indeed; and not of theme alone. It is, of course, almost impossible for
+anything signed by Mr. KIPLING to be wholly commonplace, but I am bound to
+admit that there is at least one of the collection (which, pardon me, I do
+not mean to name) that makes a notable effort in that direction. Also there
+are two of which one can honestly say that no other pen could have written
+them with anything like such finished art--_The Village that Voted the
+Earth was Flat_, which one might call a fantasia upon Publicity, and (to my
+mind the best thing in the volume) _My Son's Wife_, an exquisitely humorous
+and cunning study in the Influence of Landed Estate upon a Modern. If this
+definition strikes you as obscure, read the story and you will understand.
+For the rest, as I said above, all tastes are catered for; so that the
+rival schools who admire Mr. KIPLING most as the creator of _Plain Tales_,
+or _Stalky_ or _Puck_, will each receive encouragement and support; while,
+if there be those who prefer the pot-boiler undisguisable, they too will
+not find themselves altogether neglected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do wish our publishers would grasp the great truth that praise of their
+own wares needs (to say the least of it) most careful handling. What they,
+or some anonymous admirer, say on the cover of _The Worn Doorstep_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) is that they should like to shout its merits from the
+housetop. Possibly; but let me protest that it is for me, and not for them,
+to do the shouting, if any; which said, I will proceed to admit that the
+book is one of considerable charm. It is told in the form of letters (never
+to be posted, since they are from a young wife to her soldier-husband,
+presumed to have been killed before the opening of the book). Miss MARGARET
+SHERWOOD thus reverts to a convention more popular some few years ago than
+with our present-day romanticists. The matter of her tale shows how the
+young wife in question found consolation in befriending others, especially
+in the love affairs of a Belgian refugee couple, to whom she opens her home
+and heart. A very pretty idea, developed with many dainty and amiable
+touches. Perhaps (I set down no dogmatic verdict on the point) the cynical
+or impatient may find its sweetness something too drawn out. On the other
+hand, there are many "gentle readers," probably a vast majority, to whom
+its appeal will prove entirely successful. And as they can be trusted to
+spread its merits in the right quarters there will be no need for the
+publishers to shout, either from the house-top or anywhere else, which (as
+I suggested above) is as it should be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When we are introduced to _Margaret Grenfield_, the heroine of _Fetters on
+the Feet_ (ARNOLD), she is living with some Quaker cousins and spending
+most of her time in mending stockings. So many people make stockings who
+refuse absolutely to mend them that I imagine there must be something
+peculiarly unattractive in this work of restoration, and it was a fortunate
+day for _Margaret_ when the pedantic young man of the house proposed to
+marry her. After this we discover that she has both a history and a will of
+her own. She leaves the Quakers, and goes as secretary to a lady who holds
+eccentric if broadminded views on every conceivable subject, and the change
+of atmosphere, however delightful in various ways, was too much for
+_Margaret's_ peace of mind. The young Quaker was an obstinate wooer and
+followed her up, but his chances of success, which were never rosy, grew
+dimmer and dimmer as _Margaret_, freeing herself of shackles, gradually
+began to see life as a whole instead of through the eye of a darning-
+needle. In the end MRS. FRED REYNOLDS tells us that "the day dawned. The
+whole earth sang and sparkled in the glad light of it," which is her way of
+saying that _Margaret_ had found happiness. But all the same I fancy that
+introspection had become such a habit of this heroine that she is still
+likely to have days when the dawn is grey and no birds sing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He was also the first officer to make a successful flight from the
+    deck of a British warship, and on one occasion he changed an aeroplane
+    propeller blade whilst flying 2,000ft. above the sea."--_Evening
+    Paper._
+
+The above extract has been forwarded by the members of a R.F.C. mess, who
+are anxious to know what happened when he stopped his engine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, for a Farmhouse, Middle-Aged Person to look an Old Lady;
+    lifting and light duties."--_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+We doubt if there will be much response. Most middle-aged persons nowadays
+prefer to look like flappers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a trade prospectus:--
+
+    "---- Cubes contain the nourishing proprieties of beef."
+
+We have always been great believers in bovine modesty.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15121-8.txt or 15121-8.zip *****
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, May 2nd, 1917.</title>
+
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+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
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+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
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+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 2, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 21, 2005 [EBook #15121]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>May 2nd, 1917.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>.
+
+  <p>WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the
+  Alliance. New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but
+  there is no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will
+  take on Mexico if America will take on Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that
+  future alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as
+  heretofore, the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always
+  felt that that is where the castigation should take place.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p><i>The Daily Chronicle</i> reminds us that Downing Street owes its
+  origin to an American. There are some people who never will let bygones
+  be bygones.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in
+  Victoria, Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in
+  each rural area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in
+  the present election campaign.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The <i>Tageblatt</i> points out that in view of the extreme goodwill
+  of Germany towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance
+  in the torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted
+  friendliness has confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in
+  Madrid.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game
+  of golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire
+  that the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the
+  war-area.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This
+  violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister
+  who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has
+  gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed,
+  ordinary handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting
+  the horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not
+  seem to have struck the imagination of trainers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several
+  thousand milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are
+  being taken care of by other Departments.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr.
+  SALEEBY, "than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are
+  certainly having persistent bad luck.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now
+  seeking to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide
+  unpopularity. It is this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured
+  opponent that is causing some of her best friends in this country to lose
+  hope.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but
+  <i>The Daily Mail</i> is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or
+  not.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold
+  for £1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the
+  egg might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the
+  picture.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten
+  wheat imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will
+  result in a greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their
+  stock.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire
+  nation is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised,
+  "continue to eat in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have
+  heard.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one
+  organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat
+  Institution is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to
+  convince us that he is quite himself again.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count
+  REVENTLOW. He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own
+  business."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last
+  year. It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop
+  sixty-five grains of corn&mdash;enough to produce half a sack of wheat.
+  In fairness to the bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of
+  this.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the
+  number of jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal
+  the old technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at
+  his own inquest.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern
+  police court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to
+  have that sort of memory than that sort of face.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted
+  Cardinal BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the
+  CARDINAL had offended the young Cubs.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the
+  premises of persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past
+  have been in the habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt
+  with in other ways.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing
+  in price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become
+  so dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall
+  stage.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%" src="images/281.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS THESE TIMES?"</p>
+
+    <p>"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE AGE AND SO HE
+    CAN'T BE A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span>
+
+<h2>THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.</h2>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>[<i>The Frankfurter Zeitung</i> protests against the idea that "the
+  KAISER in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his
+  dynasty to have access to his thoughts."]</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Among the penalties imposed on Kings</p>
+      <p class="i2">Who govern absolutely by divine right,</p>
+      <p>I am no more affected by the things</p>
+      <p class="i2">That Socialists and other dirty swine write</p>
+      <p class="i8">Than when a pin is thrust</p>
+      <p class="i2">Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>But now I deign to answer, even I,</p>
+      <p class="i2">The vilest yet of these revolting sallies,</p>
+      <p>Where they allege that when our German sky</p>
+      <p class="i2">Rocks to the air of "<i>Deutschland über alles</i>,"</p>
+      <p class="i8">"<i>Und Ich,</i>" I add (aside),</p>
+      <p>"<i>Ich über Deutschland!</i>" There the blighters lied.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>I'm not like that. I never use the first</p>
+      <p class="i2">Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS,</p>
+      <p>Who said (in French&mdash;a tongue I deem accurst),</p>
+      <p class="i2">"<i>L'etat, c'est moi.</i>" My conscience, clear and dewy,</p>
+      <p class="i8">Tells me that, as a Kaiser,</p>
+      <p>I am a very poor self-advertiser.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>This is a feature of our dynasty;</p>
+      <p class="i2">And no historian who has ever studied</p>
+      <p>The traits peculiar to the family tree</p>
+      <p class="i2">On which the Hohenzollern <i>genus</i> budded</p>
+      <p class="i8">In all that noble list</p>
+      <p class="i2">Has come across a single egoist.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>They loved their people better than their throne;</p>
+      <p class="i2">Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom;</p>
+      <p>They never said, "Your souls are not your own,</p>
+      <p class="i2">But simply there in case your King should need 'em;"</p>
+      <p class="i8">They would have thought it odd</p>
+      <p class="i2">To want to be regarded as a god.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Thus have I served my land; and if a wave</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of lurid revolution overswept her,</p>
+      <p>And I, her loyal and obedient slave,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre,</p>
+      <p class="i8">That grace I'd freely do,</p>
+      <p class="i2">And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">O.S.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.</h2>
+
+  <p>The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots
+  who, without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth
+  of their store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and
+  encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center">THE BRITISH NAVY.</p>
+
+  <p>We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and
+  all the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT
+  invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis
+  in. When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum
+  because the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have
+  got an uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days
+  sailers had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other
+  end of the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble
+  quick. But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite
+  now but this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the
+  sailers, as you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they
+  like them very much.</p>
+
+<p class="author">JOHN BRIGHT (age 9½).</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">SOLGIERS.</p>
+
+  <p>Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you
+  arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos
+  it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well.
+  It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos
+  they get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war
+  solgiers were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly
+  good. Granpa is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he
+  is quite nice but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be
+  a solgier when I grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to
+  be someone with a sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum.</p>
+
+<p class="author">DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8).</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">AMERICA.</p>
+
+  <p>America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we
+  mean the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a
+  king they used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King
+  we have now or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a
+  President who does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts
+  a short time like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President
+  there are men called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of
+  princes and dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't
+  like them but because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if
+  they have to fight they can do it all right Father says.</p>
+
+<p class="author">MARY GREY (age 10).</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">OUR ALLIES.</p>
+
+  <p>It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our
+  Allies. They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal,
+  Rumania, and America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good
+  number. To begin with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and
+  polite people which is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee
+  and for their fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women
+  can cook. How beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her
+  sister country in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light
+  one. Now let us look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the
+  Germans thought they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as
+  the bravery and patrioticness of the French troops came in the way.
+  Belgium is the next on the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany
+  is a big one so of course the Germans had the best of it at first but
+  they won't much longer. So it will be all right soon if we dont eat too
+  many sweets and things. Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America
+  and Montynegro, which I forgot before, are all splendid countries but
+  space forbids more.</p>
+
+<p class="author">KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12).</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <p>The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each
+  for himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being
+  hushed to the front incessantly."&mdash;<i>Star.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of
+  singing as he goes into battle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out
+  would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some
+  expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the
+  Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'&mdash;which, of course, are the Latin
+  names of garden insects."&mdash;<i>Pearson's Weekly.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Clearly a case of nature mimicry.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" src="images/283.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>SELF-PROTECTION.</h3>
+
+    <p>JOHN BULL. "I'VE INVESTED A MINT OF MONEY IN OTHER LANDS, IT'S TIME
+    I PUT SOMETHING INTO MY OWN."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page284" id="page284"></a>[pg 284]</span>
+
+<h2>REVIVALS AND REVISIONS.</h2>
+
+  <p>"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph
+  on SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the
+  Band of Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way
+  with <i>Hamlet</i> is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New
+  authors can be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be
+  stronger or weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is
+  henceforward to be revised, and fairly stringently too.</p>
+
+  <p>Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of <i>Hamlet</i>
+  which interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned
+  motives and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in
+  discrimination, SHAKSPEARE did his best to make <i>Hamlet</i> a poetical
+  as well as a dramatic tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the
+  mass of rhetoric with which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr.
+  IRVING's task to prune this well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so
+  that the real dramatic stuff can at last "get over." But he has done no
+  more. Any rumour to the effect that he has introduced American songs or
+  dances, or that a "joy plank" bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue
+  and deserves the severest denial.</p>
+
+  <p>One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been
+  interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis&mdash;and by great he
+  means those most likely to become revivalists&mdash;says that it is the
+  same tale with all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home
+  near the Zoo, in his study furnished with the works of all the greatest
+  writers, from the Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was
+  perfectly true that he was contemplating a revival of <i>The Three
+  Musketeers</i>, with certain alterations to bring it into line with
+  modern taste in warrior heroes.</p>
+
+  <p>"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear
+  khaki. Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also
+  be transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly.
+  Thus <i>D'Artagnan</i> will become an airman, <i>Aramis</i> a padre with
+  fighting instincts, <i>Athos</i> a general, and <i>Porthos</i> an officer
+  in the A.S.C. A certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary,
+  but that will come."</p>
+
+  <p>In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith
+  and Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany,
+  knows, a conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit
+  the North Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing.</p>
+
+  <p>"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing <i>The Bells</i>. Mr. IRVING
+  has kindly leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the
+  plot, nor does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made
+  so famous by Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to
+  suit Mr. LESLIE HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of
+  thinking,"&mdash;here the young officer saluted&mdash;"no funnier
+  comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing the title from <i>The
+  Bells</i> to <i>The Belles</i>, as being more in keeping with Gaiety
+  traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID BEATTY
+  wants me."</p>
+
+  <p>But the most interesting case of revision will be that of <i>The
+  School for Scandal</i>, because, two managements being at work upon it,
+  each with somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the
+  same time, with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays.
+  And this suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that
+  one old play can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly
+  conscientious brains through which it passes. The two managers who have
+  cast longing eyes on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr.
+  OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of
+  life for this play if it is taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore
+  arranged an acting version which will occupy about an hour, with laughs.
+  By eliminating the word "sentiment" alone, which is tediously harped
+  upon, several minutes are saved. Some of <i>Sir Peter</i> and <i>Lady
+  Teazle's</i> repetition of the word "Never" also goes. The satirical
+  conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of date, and the
+  whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE also is
+  re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the play
+  lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has therefore
+  kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of scene to
+  Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this change,
+  even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force is
+  gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as <i>Mrs.
+  Candour</i> (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but
+  natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play <i>Charles Surface</i>, with the
+  accent on the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths
+  and the simple life.</p>
+
+  <p>In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends
+  the following message:&mdash;"Am busy rehearsing <i>He Stoops to Cinema;
+  or, The Mistakes of a Knight</i>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/284.png"><img width="100%" src="images/284.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER
+    LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Food Control.</h4>
+
+  <p>There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day
+  for our Post-Office employees.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."&mdash;<i>Evening News</i>
+  (<i>Portsmouth</i>).</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>Horse-racing in war-time <i>is</i> rather a sorry business.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is
+  in good running order...."&mdash;<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General
+  Headquarters.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/285.png"><img width="100%" src="images/285.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="in"><i>Skinner.</i> "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE
+    RATIONING?"</p>
+
+    <p class="in"><i>Podmore.</i> "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY
+    BELT."</p>
+
+    <p class="in"><i>Skinner.</i> "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FROM A FULL HEART.</h2>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8">In days of peace my fellow-men</p>
+      <p class="i10">Rightly regarded me as more like</p>
+      <p class="i8">A Bishop than a Major-Gen.,</p>
+      <p class="i10">And nothing since has made me warlike;</p>
+      <p class="i8">But when this age-long struggle ends</p>
+      <p class="i10">And I have seen the Allies dish up</p>
+      <p class="i8">The goose of HINDENBURG&mdash;oh, friends!</p>
+      <p class="i10">I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,</i></p>
+      <p><i>I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;</i></p>
+      <p><i>When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,</i></p>
+      <p><i>I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8">I never really longed for gore,</p>
+      <p class="i10">And any taste for red corpuscles</p>
+      <p class="i8">That lingered with me left before</p>
+      <p class="i10">The German troops had entered Brussels.</p>
+      <p class="i8">In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!"</p>
+      <p class="i10">Froze me; and, as the War grew older,</p>
+      <p class="i8">The noise of someone else's gun</p>
+      <p class="i10">Left me considerably colder.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>When the War is over and the battle has been won,</i></p>
+      <p><i>I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;</i></p>
+      <p><i>When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,</i></p>
+      <p><i>I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i8">The Captains and the Kings depart&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i10">It may be so, but not lieutenants;</p>
+      <p class="i8">Dawn after weary dawn I start</p>
+      <p class="i10">The never-ending round of penance;</p>
+      <p class="i8">One rock amid the welter stands</p>
+      <p class="i10">On which my gaze is fixed intently&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i8">An after-life in quiet lands</p>
+      <p class="i10">Lived very lazily and gently.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p><i>When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,</i></p>
+      <p><i>I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;</i></p>
+      <p><i>When the War is over and we've finished up the show,</i></p>
+      <p><i>I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow.</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i4">Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting,</p>
+      <p class="i4">And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i4">Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ...</p>
+      <p class="i8">Say, starting on Saturday week.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">A.A.M.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Things that Matter in War-Time.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Among the audience the Duchess of &mdash;&mdash;'s slim height and
+  long neck, swathed in sables, stood out."&mdash;<i>Evening
+  Standard.</i></p>
+
+  <p>"Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting,
+  collared with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."&mdash;<i>Daily
+  Sketch.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over
+  the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained
+  fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog
+  rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."&mdash;<i>Vancouver Daily
+  Province.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of
+  machines of the new type.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span>
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">LX.</p>
+
+  <p>My dear CHARLES,&mdash;Those who insist that between the Higher
+  Commands on either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard
+  each other's personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views.
+  Recent movements show that there is no such bargain, or else that the
+  lawless Hun has broken it. He has attained little else by his
+  destructiveness save the discomfort of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses
+  as merrily as ever; more merrily, perhaps, owing to the difficulties to
+  be overcome. Soldiers love difficulties to overcome. That is their
+  business in life.</p>
+
+  <p>It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q.
+  would move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his
+  front-door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and
+  confining to their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to
+  isolate himself from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier
+  himself, however, he was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming
+  difficulties. He was seen hovering about, as good as asking for the
+  instructions he most dreaded. And he got them, short and sharp, as all
+  good military instructions should be.</p>
+
+  <p>If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to
+  another, and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be
+  there, I should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C.
+  asked for a fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now
+  the 31st. We should move to the new place about the 7th," said the
+  Highest Authority. "Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became
+  permanently and irrevocably fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his
+  accomplices the thing was as good as done.</p>
+
+  <p>The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the
+  period of unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department, learning
+  by instinct what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had long
+  suspected, its own immediate and paramount importance. Every department
+  appointed a representative to go round and see the C.C. about it, another
+  representative to write to him about it, and a third to ring him up on
+  the telephone, and go on ringing him up on the telephone, about it. The
+  only departments that kept modestly in the background were those upon
+  which the execution of the move fell. The C.C., noting the queue of
+  representatives at his front-door and the agitation of his telephone,
+  slipped out by the back-door, and went to look for the workers, and, when
+  he'd found them, he lived with them, night and day, here, there and
+  everywhere.</p>
+
+  <p>Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed
+  the C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They said
+  things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile also the
+  departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew bitter and
+  restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil.</p>
+
+  <p>I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of
+  milk supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of
+  difficulty a soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new
+  camp there was no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and
+  again the thing was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to
+  think out a cow, so to speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment,
+  transport, housing, maintenance and education. A man of infinite variety,
+  the arrival of the cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He could not
+  even begin to solve the food question. To him it seemed there were only
+  two alternatives for the beast: bully beef or ration allowance at three
+  francs a day in lieu of rations. The cow, he was told, was entitled and
+  likely to refuse both.</p>
+
+  <p>We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like
+  food," said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more
+  difficult and complicated matters of establishment we will issue your
+  orders." These ran: "Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on your
+  Weekly Strength Return, with a statement of all casualties affecting
+  same. Casualties include admission to or evacuation from hospital; change
+  of address; marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom. (2) To be brought
+  on the proper establishment of H.Q., it should be shown as 'Officer's
+  Charger, one,' and should be trained and employed by you as such. (3)
+  Please report action taken, and whether by you or by the Cow."</p>
+
+  <p>Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and hearkening
+  to the cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old regiment took
+  occasion to march through the village and, in so doing, added insult to
+  injury. The regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a goat; the goat fell
+  out on the march and went sick. It did this in that portion of the C.C.'s
+  front garden which was not already occupied by the cow, and its orders
+  from the Colonel, who was its C.O. and had once been the Camp
+  Commandant's C.O., were to remain with the C.C. and upon his charge till
+  called for. This is all a very true story, but it's poor rations I'll be
+  getting from the C.C. during what remains of this War for divulging
+  it.</p>
+
+  <p>Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly
+  General to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly important
+  department or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As there is no
+  terrible complication which may not occur in the life of such, so there
+  is no bitter irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon of April
+  6th found the C.C. on the site of the now camp, surrounded by confusion
+  and an angry crowd of experts. There had been words and more words; there
+  had only just not been blows, and all with regard to this wretched and
+  incessant subject of April 7th. The C.C., never broad-minded on the
+  point, had become positively ridiculous and tiresome about that
+  irrevocable date, April 7th. It was a dull subject in any case, said the
+  experts, but in the circumstances it was inane and cruel to go on
+  insisting on it. R.E., Lorries, Signals and all their suites, not having
+  been on too friendly terms among themselves these latter days, were fast
+  becoming united in their intense loathing of the C.C. and his everlasting
+  and impossible April 7th.</p>
+
+  <p>At this moment the Highest Authority itself arrived on the scene to
+  have a look at it. He was not in the least discontented with what he saw;
+  he was inclined to congratulate the experts upon their expedition.</p>
+
+  <p>"We shall be hard put to it, Sir," said the C.C., "to be ready for
+  to-morrow."</p>
+
+  <p>"To-morrow?" said the Highest Authority. "Why to-morrow
+  particularly?"</p>
+
+  <p>"To-morrow is the 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with sinister
+  emphasis.</p>
+
+  <p>"And what about it if it is?" asked the Highest Authority.</p>
+
+  <p>"We have to move in here on April 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with
+  almost an injured note in his voice.</p>
+
+  <p>"Have you?" said the Highest Authority. "Why?"</p>
+
+  <p>The experts saluted and moved off, commenting quietly among themselves
+  upon the good sense and magnanimity of the Highest Authority. As for that
+  Camp Commandant&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours ever,</p>
+<p class="author">HENRY.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Food before Clothes.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Exchange Fawn Costume, slight figure, good condition, for two broody
+  hens."&mdash;<i>The Smallholder.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span>
+<h2>THE HEROINE OF THE NEW NOVEL.</h2>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+      <a href="images/287b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287b.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>AT LAST HE HAD HIS CHANCE. "HOW MUCH IS IT TO THE MARBLE ARCH?" HE
+    ASKED.</p>
+
+    <p>"TUPPENCE," SHE REPLIED SOFTLY; AND THE SIMPLE WORD RANG THROUGH
+    EVERY FIBRE OF HIS BODY.</p>
+  </div>
+  <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+      <a href="images/287a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287a.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"BUT I CANNOT LINGER THUS WITH YOU, SIR REGINALD," SAID THE RUSTIC
+    BEAUTY; "I HAVE TO CLEAN THE PIG-STY." SHE PAUSED, AND THEN ALMOST
+    INAUDIBLY, "YOU MAY HELP ME, IF YOU LIKE."</p>
+
+    <p>SIR REGINALD VAVASOUR'S HEART LEAPT WITHIN HIM.</p>
+  </div>
+<br clear="all" />
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:45%;">
+      <a href="images/287d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287d.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"OH, I'M SO FEARFULLY SORRY!" SAID A SWEET YOUNG VOICE IN DISTRESSED
+    ACCENTS. AND THEN HE BECAME AWARE OF A DAINTY LITTLE FOOT AND ANKLE
+    COYLY PROTRUDING FROM A BLUE TROUSER ALMOST AT A LEVEL WITH HIS
+    EYE.</p>
+  </div>
+  <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;">
+      <a href="images/287c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287c.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>DUSK WAS DESCENDING. HIS BACK TYRE WAS PUNCTURED, AND HE WAS
+    ALONE&mdash;LOST IN THE WILD MOORLAND. SUDDENLY A CHEERY YOUNG VOICE
+    SMOTE UPON HIS EAR: "WHAT'S UP, OLD CHAP? CAN I BE ANY USE?"</p>
+  </div>
+<br clear="all" />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span>
+
+<h2>In Memoriam.</h2>
+
+<h2>FRANCIS COWLEY BURNAND,</h2>
+
+<p class="center">1836&mdash;1917.</p>
+
+<p class="center">EDITOR OF "PUNCH," 1880&mdash;1906.</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Hail and Farewell, dear Brother of the Pen,</p>
+      <p>Maker of sunshine for the minds of men,</p>
+      <p>Lord of bright cheer and master of our hearts&mdash;</p>
+      <p>What plaint is fit when such a friend departs?</p>
+      <p>Not with mere ceremonial words of woe</p>
+      <p>Come we to mourn&mdash;you would not have it so;</p>
+      <p>But with our memories stored with joyous fun,</p>
+      <p>Your constant largesse till your life was done,</p>
+      <p>With quips, that flashed through frequent twists and bends,</p>
+      <p>Caught from the common intercourse of friends;</p>
+      <p>And gay allusions gayer for the zest</p>
+      <p>Of one who hurt no friend and spared no jest.</p>
+      <p>What arts were yours that taught you to indite</p>
+      <p>What all men thought, but only you could write!</p>
+      <p>That wrung from gloom itself a fleeting smile;</p>
+      <p>Rippled with laughter but refrained from guile;</p>
+      <p>Led you to prick some bladder of conceit</p>
+      <p>Or trip intrusive folly's blundering feet,</p>
+      <p>While wisdom at your call came down to earth,</p>
+      <p>Unbent awhile and gave a hand to mirth!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>You too had pondered mid your jesting strife</p>
+      <p>The deeper issues of our mortal life;</p>
+      <p>Guided to God by faith no doubt could dim</p>
+      <p>You fought your fight and left the rest to Him,</p>
+      <p>Content to set your heart on things above</p>
+      <p>And rule your days by laughter and by love.</p>
+      <p>Rest in our memories! You are guarded there</p>
+      <p>By those who knew you as you lived and were.</p>
+      <p>There mid our Happy Thoughts you take your stand,</p>
+      <p>A sun-girt shade, and light that shadow-land.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p class="i16">R.C.L.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/288.png"><img width="100%" src="images/288.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>newly attached</i>). "ER&mdash;IS THERE ANYTHING
+    YOU'D LIKE ME TO GET ON TO, SIR?"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Major</i> (<i>regimental economist</i>). "AH, YES! I WISH YOU'D
+    JUST LOOK AFTER THE BONES AND DRIPPING."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">VIII.</p>
+
+<p class="center">SOUR GRAPES.</p>
+
+  <p>"I have no doubt," said the fox, after a last futile attempt to reach
+  them, "that the grapes are sour;" and he went off slowly down the
+  hill.</p>
+
+  <p>At the bottom of the hill a barrel was lying, and the philosopher was
+  filled with new hope. "The very thing," he said to himself.</p>
+
+  <p>He put his shoulder to the barrel and pushed and panted and panted and
+  pushed till he got it nearly to the top. But it broke away at the last
+  moment and rolled down the hill.</p>
+
+  <p>He rolled it up again and again perseveringly. He tried as often as
+  Sisyphus. He tried indeed just once more, because at last he succeeded
+  and the barrel was placed on end under the vine.</p>
+
+  <p>Joyfully he climbed on the barrel and bit at the fruit.</p>
+
+  <p>Then he jumped down with a bark of disgust.</p>
+
+  <p>The grapes <i>were</i> sour.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Mutiny aboard a German U-boat, aided by the demolarizing effects of a
+  submarine bomb, made the diver a prize of the British Admiralty and her
+  crew the willing prisoners of a patrol boat."&mdash;<i>Ottawa Evening
+  Journal.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>This kind of bomb&mdash;the demolariser&mdash;is just what we want to
+  draw the enemy's teeth.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" src="images/289.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <h3>THE END OF THE THOUSAND-AND-ONE NIGHTS.</h3>
+
+    <p>THE OFFICIAL STORY-TELLER (<i>to Wilhelm-al-Raschid</i>). "I CAN'T
+    THINK OF ANY FRESH FAIRY TALES. WOULD YOU LIKE A TRUE ONE NOW?"</p>
+
+    <p class="center">[April 30th was the thousand-and-first day of the
+    War.]</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+  <p><i>Monday, April 23rd.</i>&mdash;Any intelligent foreigner who
+  obtained admission to the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in the
+  expectation that on the feast-day of our national saint and the birthday
+  of our national poet he would be privileged to listen to a series of
+  eloquent speeches upon patriotism, delivered by our most accomplished
+  orators, must have been deeply disappointed. The one subject that the
+  House of Commons seems to care about is food.</p>
+
+  <p>The CONTROLLER has hit one section of the House in its tenderest
+  portion. Those Members who make their mid-day meal off tea and
+  bread-and-butter think it very hard that they should be allowed no more
+  bread than others who take the full luncheon. On their behalf Mr. LONDON,
+  like <i>The Carpenter</i>, said, "Give us another slice." But, despite a
+  slight facial resemblance to <i>The Walrus</i>, Colonel LOCKWOOD was
+  inexorable.</p>
+
+  <p>The late Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY was once described by his ex-leader as "a
+  nice old gentleman for a quiet tea-party." If anyone had said that a
+  Sunday-School treat would furnish the appropriate <i>milieu</i> for that
+  ardent Pacifist, Mr. JOWETT, I should, until this afternoon, have been
+  inclined to agree with him. But it is evident that his acquaintance with
+  Sunday-School treats is purely academic, for in requesting the FOOD
+  CONTROLLER to remove the ban lately placed upon them he spoke of the
+  treat as a "simple meal, consisting of <i>a</i> bun and tea only." The
+  italic is our own comment on this estimate of the capacity of our brave
+  tea-fighters.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Tuesday, April 24th.</i>&mdash;Those Members to whom their
+  constituents have given notice to quit at the next election, and who have
+  recently been somewhat depressed by the thought of the impending loss to
+  the nation of their valuable services, are plucking up heart again now
+  that the life of Parliament is to be once more extended. Mr. KING, for
+  example, was in his best form this afternoon. It goes without saying that
+  his advice to the Board of Agriculture to set a good example to the
+  country by sending their racehorses out to grass was well received, for
+  any reference to the Government stud is equivalent to the "Pass the
+  mustard" of the established humourist. His real success came when Mr.
+  BONAR LAW denied that Sir GEORGE MCCRAE had been appointed Chief Whip to
+  the Government. Mr. KING drawled out, "As <i>The Times</i> has stated
+  that this gentleman was so appointed will its foreign circulation be
+  stopped?" Then the laughter came spontaneous and loud.</p>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/290a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/290a.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Hodge.</i> "I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Another little joke which tickled the House was, I suspect, the
+  outcome of a conspiracy. At least I cannot understand why Mr. OUTHWAITE
+  should have been so anxious to know the amount of ginger imported into
+  this country last year, unless it was to afford Mr. MACVEAGH an
+  opportunity of asking, when the amount, some three thousand tons, had
+  been announced, "How is it that the new Government has got none of
+  it?"</p>
+
+  <p>There is a growing tendency on the part of Ministers, when charged
+  with the conduct of a Bill, to speak of it as "a poor thing not mine
+  own." They imagine, I suppose, that an air of deprecation, not to say
+  depreciation, is likely to commend the measure to an audience in which
+  party-spirit is supposed to be defunct.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:30%;">
+      <a href="images/290b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/290b.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>VISCOUNT CHAPLIN MAKING NOTES ON THE MILLENNIUM FROM THE PEERS'
+    GALLERY.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>At first it seemed as if Mr. PROTHERO, in moving the second reading of
+  the Corn Production Bill, was going to adopt the modern attitude of
+  <i>insouciance</i>, for he spoke of it as "bristling with controversial
+  points" (as if it were intended to promote the growth of quite another
+  kind of corn), and observed that he himself had originally been opposed
+  to State interference with agriculture. But he soon warmed to his work,
+  and spoke with all the zeal of the convert. Among his most appreciative
+  listeners were the occupants of the Peers' Gallery&mdash;the Duke of
+  MARLBOROUGH, who has transformed the sword of Blenheim into a
+  ploughshare, and Viscount CHAPLIN, to whom the announcement of State
+  bounties for wheat-growing seems like the arrival of the Millennium.</p>
+
+  <p>Another ex-Minister of Agriculture was, to put it mildly, less
+  enthusiastic. I should be doing Mr. RUNCIMAN little injustice to say that
+  for the moment the politician in him rose superior to the patriot. If
+  after the War the old party-quarrels are to break out again with all
+  their fatal futility I can imagine that Liberal wire-pullers in the rural
+  districts will be much embarrassed by the existence of bounties which
+  economically they cannot approve but which politically they dare not
+  remove. But surely we shall have learned our lesson badly if the old
+  strife of Tory and Liberal is to be revived in all its former virulence
+  and sterility. Besides there is the Labour Party to be considered, as Mr.
+  GEORGE ROBERTS reminded the House in the best speech he has made since he
+  went <span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" id="page291"></a>[pg
+  291]</span> on the Treasury Bench. He pointed out that if high wages and
+  good conditions were to be secured for agricultural workers the
+  prosperity of the agricultural industry as a whole must be ensured; and
+  he hoped that the policy of State-aid would not stop there. No wonder the
+  hard-shell Free Traders looked glum.</p>
+
+  <p>Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must be careful or he will jeopardize his reputation
+  as a humourist. Mr. PARTINGTON having asked whether the Government would
+  put down their racehorses, the gallant Admiral could think of no better
+  jest than that the proposal was as futile as that of the hon. Member's
+  namesake, who endeavoured to keep out the Atlantic with a mop. Shortly
+  afterwards Mr. YEO asked whether the Government would consider the
+  destruction of cats, with a view, perhaps, to the suppression of
+  MEUX.</p>
+
+  <p>The Corn Production Bill had to run the gauntlet of a good many
+  criticisms during the second day's debate. The unkindest cut of all was
+  delivered by the SPEAKER. Mr. MOLTENO had asked whether Members who were
+  landowners or farmers might vote on a measure affecting their financial
+  interests, and Mr. LOWTHER replied that the benefits were "so
+  problematical and so uncertain" that he thought they might. Mr. MOLTENO
+  used his freedom to vote against the Second Reading; but only a handful
+  of Members followed his example. Mr. RUNCIMAN and his friends decided
+  that abstention was the better part of valour.</p>
+
+  <p><i>Thursday, April 26th.</i>&mdash;Major BAIRD made a modest and
+  candid defence of the Air Board against its many critics. He did not
+  pretend that they were yet satisfied&mdash;in the case of so new a
+  service there could be no finality&mdash;but he claimed that the
+  departments had worked much more harmoniously since they were all housed
+  under the hospitable roof of the Hotel Cecil, a statement which Lord HUGH
+  of that ilk subsequently endorsed. Major BAIRD, despite the general
+  mildness of his voice and demeanour, can deliver a good hard knock on
+  occasion. He warned the House against indulging in a certain class of
+  criticism, on the ground that there was no surer way of killing an airman
+  than to destroy his confidence in the machine he was flying; and he
+  asserted that the "mastery of the air" was a meaningless phrase
+  impossible of realization. I think Mr. PEMBERTON-HICKS and Mr.
+  JOYNSON-BILLING took the rebuke to heart, for they were much less
+  aggressive than usual.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" src="images/291.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    "BE A GOOD BOY AND STOP YOUR 'OLLERIN, AND I'LL LET YER SEE THE OLD
+    GENT FALL ORF THE BUS."
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>SICK.</h3>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Dear MR. PUNCH,&mdash;Excuse this tosh,</p>
+      <p>But I've succumbed to measles (Bosch),</p>
+      <p>And all my dreary hours are spent</p>
+      <p>Inside a vast and gloomy tent.</p>
+      <p>So, as I'm feeling rather blue,</p>
+      <p>I thought I'd better write to you.</p>
+      <p>All known diseases here you'll find</p>
+      <p>(This letter's steamed, you needn't mind);</p>
+      <p>But in my tent there's only one,</p>
+      <p>I'm glad to say, viz., measles (Hun).</p>
+      <p>The Nurses all are Scotch and stout,</p>
+      <p>So are the drinks I do without;</p>
+      <p>I don't complain of lack of fruit&mdash;</p>
+      <p>At least we don't get arrowroot&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Nor have I even ever seen a</p>
+      <p>Single plate of semolina.</p>
+      <p>So life is not so bad, you see,</p>
+      <p>Except for chlorine in the tea.</p>
+      <p>I think that's all, so now will end,</p>
+      <p>Hoping this finds you, dearest friend,</p>
+      <p>Just as it leaves me, in the pink</p>
+      <p>(My rash is not quite gone, I think).</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Now those precious divisions have to be hurled into the furnace to
+  avert a veritable landslide."&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The shortage of men in the German Army has evidently been exaggerated.
+  This confirms the evidence from other sources that they have troops to
+  burn.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">"HAMLET."</p>
+
+  <p>To prepare a very own version of <i>Hamlet</i> and play it with
+  credit&mdash;that is still the blue riband of the Stage. Mr. H.B. IRVING
+  has fairly won it. The version seemed to me apt. He tells us that his
+  main purpose was to bring out the story as if for those who had never
+  seen the play before. It is a rational point of view, and certainly it
+  seemed a distinct improvement not to lose sight of <i>Hamlet's</i>
+  adventure to England, as is commonly the case, and to keep the essential
+  sequence of events and the personality of the Prince constantly before
+  the audience. The justification of the heroic cuts and adaptations was
+  that the action did move faster towards the tragic end, instead of
+  seeming to drag rather tiresomely as (be it confessed) it sometimes
+  does.</p>
+
+  <div class="figright" style="width:40%;">
+      <a href="images/292.png"><img width="100%" src="images/292.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p class="center">"OUR SON IS FAT AND SCANT OF BREATH."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">(We shouldn't have guessed it, but his own mother
+    ought to know.)</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>Hamlet</i> . . . . . . . MR. H.B. IRVING.</p>
+  </div>
+  <p>Observers contrasting this with Mr. IRVING'S earlier performance
+  remarked a gain in depth and fire and a happier restraint of mannerism.
+  It was a very notable and gracious piece of work. He has the player's
+  first gift, an arresting personality. His elocution has distinction. He
+  conveys the beauty of the words and the richness of the packed thought
+  thoughtfully. The complex play of action and motive&mdash;the purpose
+  blunted by overmuch thinking, the spurs to dull revenge, the
+  self-contempt, the assumed antic disposition, at times the real mental
+  disturbance&mdash;all this was set before us with a fine skill and
+  resource. The "To be or not to be" soliloquy was masterly in its
+  sincerity and restraint; the two broken love passages with <i>Ophelia</i>
+  showed a fine tenderness through the distraught, bitter mood. An
+  ingenious turn was given to that difficult change of weapons in the
+  fencing bout, though I doubt if the Sword Club would wholly have approved
+  the technique of the fencing.</p>
+
+  <p>Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT'S <i>Ophelia</i> in the Mad Scene was full of
+  beauty, sweetness and dignity&mdash;and we have so often been bored by
+  our lesser <i>Ophelias</i>. A very fine performance. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was
+  the foolish prating knave, a <i>Polonius</i> robbed of his best speech,
+  and the more consistent therefore. Mr. IRVING is obviously right in his
+  view that <i>Polonius</i> could never by any chance have given any such
+  advice to his truculent son.</p>
+
+  <p>One may congratulate the producer on the courage of his convictions.
+  But I wonder if the Shakspearean tradition is really dying. The general
+  quality of the performance was, it must be confessed, not inspiring.
+  There was little of the king's divinity hedging <i>Claudius</i>; the
+  <i>Queen</i> (an always difficult part) was elaborately unconvincing,
+  though played by a clever actress; <i>Guildenstern</i> and awkward
+  <i>Rosencrantz</i> deserved any fate which awaited them in England.
+  Neither <i>Laertes</i> nor <i>Horatio</i> seemed authentic. But Mr. TOM
+  REYNOLDS' grave-digger had humour and avoided tedium. <i>Hamlet</i> was
+  the thing.</p>
+
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"A Berlin official telegram states that the Kaiser has sent the
+  following telegram to the Crown Prince:&mdash;'The troops of all the
+  German tribes under your command, with steel-hard determination and
+  strongly led, have brought to failure the great French attempt to break
+  through on the Aisne and in Champagne. Also there, again, the infantry
+  had to bear the grunt.'"&mdash;<i>Northern Whig.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The Imperial euphemism, we suppose, for the cry of "Kamerad!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h4>The New Rations.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Joint Hospital Board, &mdash;&mdash;, 14th April, 1917. The above
+  Board require two Probationer Nurses for their
+  Consumption."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>A correspondent having observed in a morning paper the headline,
+  "Pomeranians Surrender!" sends us a suggested contents-bill for <i>The
+  Barking Gazette</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>GREAT CAPTURE OF POMS!</p>
+      <p>PEKINESE BREAK OFF RELATIONS.</p>
+      <p>GREAT DANES NEUTRAL.</p>
+      <p>RAID BY TERRITORIAL FLYING CORPS</p>
+      <p class="i2">(SKY TERRIERS).</p>
+      <p>ROUT OF DALMATIANS.</p>
+      <p>FIELD-GREYHOUNDS DRIVEN OFF.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ADJUTANT ON LEAVE.</h2>
+
+  <p>"Leave, I'm afraid," remarked the Adjutant, standing with his back to
+  the fire and hitching his bath towel more securely over his left
+  shoulder, "can only be granted now in special circumstances."</p>
+
+  <p>Flying being prevented for that afternoon by the weather conditions,
+  we had been playing hockey, and the Adjutant, who by virtue of seniority
+  had just had first go at the bathroom, was in a warm and expansive mood.
+  The rest of us sat about in his quarters awaiting our turns at a
+  hot-water supply that would certainly cease to have anything warming or
+  expansive about it by the time it reached the junior Second
+  Lieutenant.</p>
+
+  <p>"The question is," said that dejected officer, fixing the Adjutant
+  with a watchful eye&mdash;"the question is, what are you going to regard
+  as special circumstances?"</p>
+
+  <p>"You state your circumstances to me officially to-morrow," said the
+  Adjutant cheerfully, "and I'll tell you quickly enough whether they're
+  special or not,"</p>
+
+  <p>"I suppose," suggested the Stunt Pilot, "that a wedding would be a
+  pretty special sort of circumstance, wouldn't it?"</p>
+
+  <p>"That depends," replied the Adjutant. "Are you thinking of getting
+  married yourself?"</p>
+
+  <p>The Stunt Pilot said that he hadn't been, but if there was any leave
+  going with it he might think of it.</p>
+
+  <p>"One's simply got to get leave <i>somehow</i>," he complained. "What
+  about a breach of promise case? Suppose I manage to get mixed up in a
+  breach of promise case, wouldn't that do?"</p>
+
+  <p>"That's no good," commented the Junior Officer gloomily. "You'd have
+  to get leave for something else first before you could manage it."</p>
+
+  <p>"And if you did," added the Adjutant severely, "you'd get leave for
+  rather longer than you bargained for."</p>
+
+  <p>"How about funerals?" put in the Equipment Officer hopefully.
+  "Funerals are a fairly sound stunt, aren't they?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Funerals," observed the Adjutant, "are played out. If you come to me
+  to-morrow and talk about dead uncles and things I shall have all sorts of
+  inquiries made that will surprise you. I've been had before by funerals.
+  When I was in the Army"&mdash;the Adjutant talks like this since he was
+  attached to the Flying Corps&mdash;"when <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page293" id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> I was in the Army there
+  was a fellow who used to come to the orderly-room and talk funerals to me
+  until I was sick of the sight of him. After some months of it I made him
+  give me a written list of all his surviving relations, and then as he
+  killed them off I used to scratch them out. I caught him at last on his
+  third grandmother."</p>
+
+  <p>"That's all very nice," said the Stunt Pilot, "but the question at
+  present before the meeting is how are we poor beggars to get any
+  leave?"</p>
+
+  <p>"It's no good blaming me," returned the Adjutant blandly. "Command
+  Orders are Command Orders."</p>
+
+  <p>There was a brief silence, and then the Stunt Pilot lifted up his
+  voice and spoke eloquently about the War Office and Brass Hats generally.
+  He said that they had hearts of granite and were strangers to all
+  loving-kindness. Their days were spent in idleness in the Metropolis (so
+  said the Stunt Pilot), while he and his fellows drove rotten 'buses for
+  hours together over the beastliest district in Europe. Of an evening the
+  Carlton and the Piccadilly, the Bing Boys and the Bing Girls, all the
+  delights of London were ready to their hands, while poor devils like
+  himself, shorn of leave, were condemned to languish in a moth-eaten Mess
+  in the society of such people as the Adjutant. Where was the sense in it,
+  where the justice, and when the deuce were they, any of them, going to
+  get a chance at the bath-room?</p>
+
+  <p>The Adjutant regarded him with amused pity.</p>
+
+  <p>"The fact of it is," he observed, "you people have been absolutely
+  spoilt over leave. When I was in the Infantry we used to consider three
+  or four days in six months quite handsome."</p>
+
+  <p>The Stunt Pilot inquired sarcastically whether he meant three or four
+  days' work or three or four days' leave.</p>
+
+  <p>"I don't mind saying," pursued the Adjutant, ignoring this sally, "at
+  the risk of making myself unpopular, that personally I think it's a very
+  good thing that leave <i>has</i> been cut down. My own opinion is that in
+  the past there's been a lot too much leave flying about. Running up and
+  down to London on leave isn't going to help beat the Germans. What we've
+  got to do if we want to win this War is to&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>At this moment the C.O. entered and put down a hockey-stick in the
+  corner.</p>
+
+  <p>"Thanks for the stick, Jervis," he said, and turned to go. "By the
+  way, shall I see you at the orderly-room tomorrow before you go? What
+  train are you catching?"</p>
+
+  <p>The Adjutant hesitated for the fraction of a second.</p>
+
+  <p>"Well, Sir," he said, "I thought of taking the 9.5."</p>
+
+  <p>"I see," said the C.O. "Right-o. You won't be away longer than
+  forty-eight hours, I suppose?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Oh, no," said the Adjutant. "That'll do well, Sir."</p>
+
+  <p>A brief astonished silence followed the C.O.'s departure, a silence
+  broken by the excited tones of the Stunt Pilot.</p>
+
+  <p>"The 9.5?" he cried. "Are you going to <i>London</i>?"</p>
+
+  <p>The Adjutant lit a cigarette with some deliberation.</p>
+
+  <p>"Only just for forty-eight hours," he remarked.</p>
+
+  <p>"Forty-eight hours!" gasped the indignant Pilot; then, raising his
+  voice to surmount the din, "Forty-eight hours' leave in London, and
+  you've just been pouring out hot air about&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"<i>Leave?</i>" interrupted the Adjutant, in pained surprise. "What
+  d'you mean by leave? I'm going on <i>duty</i>."</p>
+
+  <p>A chorus of derisive laughter greeted <span class="pagenum"><a
+  name="page294" id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> the announcement. "Duty?"
+  echoed the Stunt Pilot bitterly. "<i>What</i> duty?"</p>
+
+  <p>The Adjutant took another furl in his bath-towel.</p>
+
+  <p>"If you really must know," he said composedly, "I'm going to buy a
+  vacuum-cleaner for the Mess."</p>
+
+  <p>"You infernal old wangler!" cried the outraged Pilot, when at last he
+  was able to make himself heard. "Of course it takes forty-eight hours to
+  buy a vacuum-cleaner, doesn't it?"</p>
+
+  <p>"As a matter of fact," said the Adjutant solemnly, "my whole
+  experience of vacuum-cleaners leads me to the conviction that you have to
+  look at a great many of them before you can pick a really good one." He
+  glanced round for his clothes. "And now if you fellows will get on with
+  your baths, I've got an air mechanic coming in a minute or two to cut my
+  hair. I expect I shall be far too busy in town for the next two days to
+  have any time to waste on barbers."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/293.png"><img width="100%" src="images/293.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Farmer</i> (<i>to "land-lady"</i>). "HI, MISSIE, WHAT BE YE DOIN'
+    WI TRACE-HORSE BEHIND, AND A LOAD LIKE THAT?"</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Land-lady.</i>" "OH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN HE WAS IN FRONT HE WAS
+    ALWAYS TURNING ROUND WRONG WAY ON, SO I JUST PUT HIM BEHIND TO HELP UP
+    HILLS, LIKE THE RAILWAY ENGINES."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GENERAL POST.</h2>
+
+  <p>Everything was just as usual. I caught my tram at the corner of the
+  street. It was the six o'clock car&mdash;I noticed the usual evening
+  crowd, and they were all as bored and cross and frigid as usual.</p>
+
+  <p>The old gentleman of the whiskers was, as usual, reading his evening
+  paper. He looked personally affronted as I sat down beside him. The
+  elderly relative&mdash;as I call her&mdash;was opposite to me. She had
+  her small attaché-case and her knitting as usual, and she made me feel at
+  a glance that my face bored her intolerably. For the rest, I saw the fat
+  paterfamilias, the wish-I-had-a-motor lady, the pert flapper and all the
+  crew who travel with dejected spirits to and fro on our suburban
+  line.</p>
+
+  <p>So far all was in order. Then the conductress came round.</p>
+
+  <p>"Tuppenny," I murmured. "Albemarle Road."</p>
+
+  <p>"What's your town?" she asked, taking a pencil from behind her
+  ear.</p>
+
+  <p>"Town? It's Albemarle Road I want."</p>
+
+  <p>"But what town do you choose for Post?" she asked. "You've all got to
+  have a town, you know. Don't make it too long. Hurry up! I've got to
+  write you all down, and it's time to begin."</p>
+
+  <p>"Pontresina," I gasped wildly. That seemed to be the only town I had
+  ever heard of.</p>
+
+  <p>"And you, Sir?" she was asking the old gentleman.</p>
+
+  <p>"Macclesfield," he said very decidedly.</p>
+
+  <p>The elderly relative was fidgeting to say hers. I could have guessed
+  it would be St. Ives.</p>
+
+  <p>The conductress made her way from one end to the other.</p>
+
+  <p>"All got towns?" she asked. "You, Sir? Pernambuco? I do wish you'd
+  stick to English names. Are you all ready?"</p>
+
+  <p>She rang the bell.</p>
+
+  <p>"Now," she said, "the gentleman on the stool has to catch. The Post is
+  going from Paris to Pontresina."</p>
+
+  <p>I rose and looked wildly down the car. The flapper was beckoning
+  slightly. Her contemptuous boredom had vanished, and she looked a merry
+  child again. I rushed, stumbled, rocked into her place; she sank with a
+  gasp into mine.</p>
+
+  <p>"York to St. Ives!"</p>
+
+  <p>It was the paterfamilias who was up now, and the elderly relative was
+  signing to him. In a breathless scurry she was in his place gasping
+  beside me. For the first time in her life she spoke to me.</p>
+
+  <p>"What an escape!" she said. "There, <i>he'</i>s caught&mdash;York, I
+  mean. I don't know his proper name. It's odd, isn't it, we know each
+  other's faces so well and yet we don't know each other's names. Now that
+  we have towns for names, it will be far more friendly, won't it? I always
+  called you Cicero to myself. Oh, I hardly know why&mdash;you looked a
+  little satirical sometimes. But now you're Pontresina, of course."</p>
+
+  <p>"Macclesfield to Pernambuco!"</p>
+
+  <p>"There!" laughed my companion. "I knew Macclesfield would be
+  caught&mdash;he's so stately, isn't he? But look how he's laughing. Do
+  you know I never thought any of the people in this car <i>could</i>
+  laugh, or even smile. I do think this Society for the Abolition of
+  Boredom in Public Conveyances is an excellent thing, don't you?"</p>
+
+  <p>"Pontresina to St. Ives!"</p>
+
+  <p>Breathlessly we changed places; her black hat was a little crooked,
+  but she only laughed.</p>
+
+  <p>"I've lost my knitting, too," she said, "but I don't mind. This
+  exercise keeps one so warm these cold days."</p>
+
+  <p>The game was in wild progress; the car rocked and jolted and the
+  conductress shouted the names.</p>
+
+  <p>"General Post!" she called. "Those inside change places with those
+  outside."</p>
+
+  <p>That was the most breathlessly exciting moment of the whole game.
+  There was a solid struggling mass of humanity on the tram staircase.
+  Those without were pushing frantically to come down; we were shoving to
+  get up.</p>
+
+  <p>The lady called St. Ives was thumping my shoulders.</p>
+
+  <p>"Climb up the railing," she said.</p>
+
+  <p>Somehow I did it, and leaned down to catch her hands and drag her
+  upwards. We launched ourselves breathlessly on to the furthest seat.</p>
+
+  <p>Stout old Macclesfield was the next. He had lost his hat and his white
+  hair was ruffled.</p>
+
+  <p>"I'm here," he said. "Macclesfield for ever!"</p>
+
+  <p>The flapper had scrambled up the front staircase against the rules.
+  She cast herself down beside Macclesfield.</p>
+
+  <p>"Here I am, old dear," she exclaimed. "I left York simply
+  <i>jammed</i> in the wedge. Oh, isn't it fun? I never laughed so much. We
+  never <i>can</i> be serious with each other after this, can we?"</p>
+
+  <p>St. Ives nodded.</p>
+
+  <p>"I'll never forget Pontresina climbing the rail," she said. "I used to
+  think him so haughty; now&mdash;"</p>
+
+  <p>"Albemarle Road&mdash;don't you want Albemarle Road?" the conductress
+  was asking me. She spoke very loudly.</p>
+
+  <p>"Pontresina&mdash;I'm Pontresina," I answered.</p>
+
+  <p>"This is Albemarle Road. If you're going on it'll be another penny,"
+  she insisted.</p>
+
+  <p>I rose in bewilderment.</p>
+
+  <p>St. Ives was looking at me while she knitted. I raised my hat to her
+  and smiled. We had been such good friends all the evening&mdash;how could
+  I ever forget it? But she did not smile; she only stared. She seemed to
+  think I was mad. Macclesfield was reading his <i>Star</i> just as if he
+  had never hurled himself on to the top of the 'bus. The flapper <span
+  class="pagenum"><a name="page295" id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> was
+  squinting at herself in a little pocket-mirror; she looked contemptuously
+  at me as I passed. Old York was half asleep. One would think they had
+  never been rushing about in that frantic General Post. And we were all
+  inside the car again.</p>
+
+  <p>It <i>was</i> odd!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+      <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" src="images/294.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"THE BLOKE WOT PAINTED THAT KNEW 'OW TO DO A BIT O' FOOD 'OARDING,
+    DIDN'T 'E?"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>'TWAS FIFTY YEARS AGO.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Lines suggested by an old Magazine.</i>)</p>
+
+  <div class="poem">
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Published the year I went to school&mdash;</p>
+      <p class="i2">The second of life's seven ages&mdash;</p>
+      <p>How fragrant of Victorian rule</p>
+      <p class="i2">Are these forgotten pages!</p>
+      <p>When meat and fruit were still uncanned;</p>
+      <p class="i2">When good CHARLES DICKENS still was writing;</p>
+      <p>And SWINBURNE'S poetry was banned</p>
+      <p class="i2">As rather too exciting.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>No murmurs of impending strife</p>
+      <p class="i2">Were heard, no dark suggestions hinted;</p>
+      <p>Our novelists still looked on life</p>
+      <p class="i2">Through spectacles rose-tinted;</p>
+      <p>And Paris, in those giddy years,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Still laughed at OFFENBACH and SCHNEIDER,</p>
+      <p>Blind to the doom of blood and tears,</p>
+      <p class="i2">With none to warn or guide her.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The index and the authors' names,</p>
+      <p class="i2">Their stories and their lucubrations,</p>
+      <p>Recall old literary aims</p>
+      <p class="i2">And faded reputations;</p>
+      <p>We wonder at the influence</p>
+      <p class="i2">That SALA'S florid periods had on</p>
+      <p>His fellows, and the vogue immense</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of versatile Miss BRADDON.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>And yet I read <i>Aurora Floyd</i></p>
+      <p class="i2">In youth with rapture quite unholy&mdash;</p>
+      <p>Not in the way that I enjoyed</p>
+      <p class="i2">Mince-pies or roly-poly;</p>
+      <p>While "G.A.S." appeared to me</p>
+      <p class="i2">Like a Leonid fresh from starland,</p>
+      <p>Not the young lion that we see</p>
+      <p class="i2">Portrayed in <i>Friendship's Garland</i>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>And there are tinklings of the lute</p>
+      <p class="i2">In orthodox decorous fashion,</p>
+      <p>But altogether destitute</p>
+      <p class="i2">Of "elemental" passion;</p>
+      <p>And illustrations which refrain</p>
+      <p class="i2">From all that verges on the shady,</p>
+      <p>But glorify the whiskered swain,</p>
+      <p class="i2">The lachrymose young lady.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>The sirens of the "sixties" showed</p>
+      <p class="i2">No inkling of our modern Circes,</p>
+      <p>And swells had not evolved the code</p>
+      <p class="i2">That guides our precious Percys;</p>
+      <p>Woman, in short, was grave or gay,</p>
+      <p class="i2">But not a problem or a riddle,</p>
+      <p>And maidens still were taught to play</p>
+      <p class="i2">The harp and not the fiddle.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>And writers in the main eschewed</p>
+      <p class="i2">All topics tending to disquiet,</p>
+      <p>All efforts to reorganize</p>
+      <p class="i2">Our dogmas or our diet;</p>
+      <p>You could not carp at MENDELSSOHN</p>
+      <p class="i2">Without creating quite a scandal,</p>
+      <p>And rag-time on the gramophone</p>
+      <p class="i2">Had not supplanted HANDEL.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="stanza">
+      <p>Blameless and wholesome in their way,</p>
+      <p class="i2">At times agreeably subacid,</p>
+      <p>I love these records of a day</p>
+      <p class="i2">Long dead, but calm and placid;</p>
+      <p>And with a sigh I now replace</p>
+      <p class="i2">This ancient volume of <i>Belgravia</i></p>
+      <p>And turn the "latest news" to face</p>
+      <p class="i2"><i>Mutans amaris suavia</i>.</p>
+    </div>
+  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+      <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" src="images/295.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p><i>Rector's Daughter.</i> "HOW SPLENDID OF JOE JARVIS'S SON TO
+    VOLUNTEER FOR THAT VERY DANGEROUS JOB! I'M SO GLAD HE GOT THE MILITARY
+    MEDAL."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. Mullins</i> (<i>not to be outdone</i>). "YES, MISS. AND
+    <i>MY</i> BOY COULD HAVE GOT IT TOO IF HE'D CARED TO HAVE TAKEN THE
+    RISK."</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A Slump in Marionettes.</h4>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"For the first time for centuries the Old Bailey Sessions were opened
+  on Tuesday without the customary ceremonies connected with the summoning
+  of a Grand Judy."&mdash;<i>Lincolnshire Echo.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>"Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"'It was between half-past seven and eight,' said a fireman, 'and as I
+  was off duty I came out on deck for a blow. The force of the explosion
+  threw me along the deck for some yards.'"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>"This is indeed a blow," said the gallant stoker&mdash;we <i>don't</i>
+  think.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" id="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span>
+
+  <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+      <a href="images/296.png"><img width="100%" src="images/296.png"
+      alt="" /></a>
+    <p>"HENRY, I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE TO THE URBAN COUNCIL AND TELL THEM TO
+    SEND A DUSTMAN WHO TURNS HIS TOES <i>IN</i>. OUR ROCK BORDER'S BEING
+    COMPLETELY RUINED!"</p>
+  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+  <p>I have the feeling that when Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING called his new volume
+  <i>A Diversity of Creatures</i> (MACMILLAN) he was rather taking the word
+  out of my mouth, or the sword out of my hand, or whatever one does for
+  the confusion and discomforting of critics. Because it is just the
+  extreme diversity of the tales herein which, while providing (as they
+  say) something for all tastes, makes it very hard to appraise the book as
+  a whole. In form it follows the KIPLING convention, endeared to us by so
+  much pleasure, of sandwiching prose and verse, the poems echoing the idea
+  of the tale that has preceded them, and themselves likely to prove for
+  many the most attractive pages of the book. As for the stories, here we
+  get diversity indeed; and not of theme alone. It is, of course, almost
+  impossible for anything signed by Mr. KIPLING to be wholly commonplace,
+  but I am bound to admit that there is at least one of the collection
+  (which, pardon me, I do not mean to name) that makes a notable effort in
+  that direction. Also there are two of which one can honestly say that no
+  other pen could have written them with anything like such finished
+  art&mdash;<i>The Village that Voted the Earth was Flat</i>, which one
+  might call a fantasia upon Publicity, and (to my mind the best thing in
+  the volume) <i>My Son's Wife</i>, an exquisitely humorous and cunning
+  study in the Influence of Landed Estate upon a Modern. If this definition
+  strikes you as obscure, read the story and you will understand. For the
+  rest, as I said above, all tastes are catered for; so that the rival
+  schools who admire Mr. KIPLING most as the creator of <i>Plain Tales</i>,
+  or <i>Stalky</i> or <i>Puck</i>, will each receive encouragement and
+  support; while, if there be those who prefer the pot-boiler
+  undisguisable, they too will not find themselves altogether
+  neglected.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>I do wish our publishers would grasp the great truth that praise of
+  their own wares needs (to say the least of it) most careful handling.
+  What they, or some anonymous admirer, say on the cover of <i>The Worn
+  Doorstep</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is that they should like to shout its
+  merits from the housetop. Possibly; but let me protest that it is for me,
+  and not for them, to do the shouting, if any; which said, I will proceed
+  to admit that the book is one of considerable charm. It is told in the
+  form of letters (never to be posted, since they are from a young wife to
+  her soldier-husband, presumed to have been killed before the opening of
+  the book). Miss MARGARET SHERWOOD thus reverts to a convention more
+  popular some few years ago than with our present-day romanticists. The
+  matter of her tale shows how the young wife in question found consolation
+  in befriending others, especially in the love affairs of a Belgian
+  refugee couple, to whom she opens her home and heart. A very pretty idea,
+  developed with many dainty and amiable touches. Perhaps (I set down no
+  dogmatic verdict on the point) the cynical or impatient may find its
+  sweetness something too drawn out. On the other hand, there are many
+  "gentle readers," probably a vast majority, to whom its appeal will prove
+  entirely successful. And as they can be trusted to spread its merits in
+  the right quarters there will be no need for the publishers to shout,
+  either from the house-top or anywhere else, which (as I suggested above)
+  is as it should be.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>When we are introduced to <i>Margaret Grenfield</i>, the heroine of
+  <i>Fetters on the Feet</i> (ARNOLD), she is living with some Quaker
+  cousins and spending most of her time in mending stockings. So many
+  people make stockings who refuse absolutely to mend them that I imagine
+  there must be something peculiarly unattractive in this work of
+  restoration, and it was a fortunate day for <i>Margaret</i> when the
+  pedantic young man of the house proposed to marry her. After this we
+  discover that she has both a history and a will of her own. She leaves
+  the Quakers, and goes as secretary to a lady who holds eccentric if
+  broadminded views on every conceivable subject, and the change of
+  atmosphere, however delightful in various ways, was too much for
+  <i>Margaret's</i> peace of mind. The young Quaker was an obstinate wooer
+  and followed her up, but his chances of success, which were never rosy,
+  grew dimmer and dimmer as <i>Margaret</i>, freeing herself of shackles,
+  gradually began to see life as a whole instead of through the eye of a
+  darning-needle. In the end MRS. FRED REYNOLDS tells us that "the day
+  dawned. The whole earth sang and sparkled in the glad light of it," which
+  is her way of saying that <i>Margaret</i> had found happiness. But all
+  the same I fancy that introspection had become such a habit of this
+  heroine that she is still likely to have days when the dawn is grey and
+  no birds sing.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"He was also the first officer to make a successful flight from the
+  deck of a British warship, and on one occasion he changed an aeroplane
+  propeller blade whilst flying 2,000ft. above the sea."&mdash;<i>Evening
+  Paper.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>The above extract has been forwarded by the members of a R.F.C. mess,
+  who are anxious to know what happened when he stopped his engine.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"Wanted, for a Farmhouse, Middle-Aged Person to look an Old Lady;
+  lifting and light duties."&mdash;<i>Newcastle Daily Journal.</i></p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We doubt if there will be much response. Most middle-aged persons
+  nowadays prefer to look like flappers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+  <p>From a trade prospectus:&mdash;</p>
+
+  <blockquote>
+  <p>"&mdash;&mdash; Cubes contain the nourishing proprieties of beef."</p>
+
+  </blockquote>
+  <p>We have always been great believers in bovine modesty.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1959 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 2, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 21, 2005 [EBook #15121]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+May 2nd, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the Alliance.
+New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd.
+
+       ***
+
+America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but there is
+no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will take on
+Mexico if America will take on Ireland.
+
+       ***
+
+VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that future
+alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as heretofore,
+the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste.
+
+       ***
+
+"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always felt
+that that is where the castigation should take place.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ reminds us that Downing Street owes its origin to an
+American. There are some people who never will let bygones be bygones.
+
+       ***
+
+Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in Victoria,
+Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in each rural
+area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in the present
+election campaign.
+
+       ***
+
+The _Tageblatt_ points out that in view of the extreme goodwill of Germany
+towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance in the
+torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted friendliness has
+confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in Madrid.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game of
+golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire that
+the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the war-area.
+
+       ***
+
+The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This
+violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister
+who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has
+gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed, ordinary
+handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting the
+horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not seem
+to have struck the imagination of trainers.
+
+       ***
+
+The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several thousand
+milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are being taken
+care of by other Departments.
+
+       ***
+
+"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr. SALEEBY,
+"than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are certainly
+having persistent bad luck.
+
+       ***
+
+The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now seeking
+to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is
+this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is
+causing some of her best friends in this country to lose hope.
+
+       ***
+
+A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but _The
+Daily Mail_ is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or not.
+
+       ***
+
+"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold for
+L1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the egg
+might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the picture.
+
+       ***
+
+In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten wheat
+imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will result in a
+greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their stock.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire nation
+is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised, "continue to eat
+in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have heard.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one
+organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat Institution
+is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to
+convince us that he is quite himself again.
+
+       ***
+
+We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count REVENTLOW.
+He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own business."
+
+       ***
+
+There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last year.
+It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.
+
+       ***
+
+A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop sixty-five
+grains of corn--enough to produce half a sack of wheat. In fairness to the
+bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of this.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the number of
+jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal the old
+technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at his own
+inquest.
+
+       ***
+
+"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern police
+court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to have that
+sort of memory than that sort of face.
+
+       ***
+
+At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted Cardinal
+BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the CARDINAL had
+offended the young Cubs.
+
+       ***
+
+Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the premises of
+persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past have been in the
+habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt with in other ways.
+
+       ***
+
+According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing in
+price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become so
+dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall stage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS THESE TIMES?"
+
+"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE AGE AND SO HE CAN'T BE A
+CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.
+
+    [_The Frankfurter Zeitung_ protests against the idea that "the KAISER
+    in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his dynasty
+    to have access to his thoughts."]
+
+  Among the penalties imposed on Kings
+    Who govern absolutely by divine right,
+  I am no more affected by the things
+    That Socialists and other dirty swine write
+          Than when a pin is thrust
+    Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust.
+
+  But now I deign to answer, even I,
+    The vilest yet of these revolting sallies,
+  Where they allege that when our German sky
+    Rocks to the air of "_Deutschland ueber alles_,"
+          "_Und Ich,_" I add (aside),
+  "_Ich ueber Deutschland!_" There the blighters lied.
+
+  I'm not like that. I never use the first
+    Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS,
+  Who said (in French--a tongue I deem accurst),
+    "_L'etat, c'est moi._" My conscience, clear and dewy,
+          Tells me that, as a Kaiser,
+  I am a very poor self-advertiser.
+
+  This is a feature of our dynasty;
+    And no historian who has ever studied
+  The traits peculiar to the family tree
+    On which the Hohenzollern _genus_ budded
+          In all that noble list
+    Has come across a single egoist.
+
+  They loved their people better than their throne;
+    Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom;
+  They never said, "Your souls are not your own,
+    But simply there in case your King should need 'em;"
+          They would have thought it odd
+    To want to be regarded as a god.
+
+  Thus have I served my land; and if a wave
+    Of lurid revolution overswept her,
+  And I, her loyal and obedient slave,
+    Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre,
+          That grace I'd freely do,
+    And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.
+
+The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots who,
+without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth of their
+store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and
+encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:--
+
+THE BRITISH NAVY.
+
+We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and all
+the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT
+invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis in.
+When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum because
+the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have got an
+uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days sailers
+had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other end of
+the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble quick.
+But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite now but
+this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the sailers, as
+you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they like them very
+much.
+
+JOHN BRIGHT (age 9-1/2).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOLGIERS.
+
+Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you
+arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos
+it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well.
+It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos they
+get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war solgiers
+were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly good. Granpa
+is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he is quite nice
+but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be a solgier when I
+grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to be someone with a
+sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum.
+
+DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICA.
+
+America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we mean
+the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a king they
+used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King we have now
+or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a President who
+does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts a short time
+like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President there are men
+called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of princes and
+dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't like them but
+because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if they have to
+fight they can do it all right Father says.
+
+MARY GREY (age 10).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ALLIES.
+
+It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our Allies.
+They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, and
+America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good number. To begin
+with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and polite people which
+is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee and for their
+fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women can cook. How
+beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her sister country
+in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light one. Now let us
+look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the Germans thought
+they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as the bravery and
+patrioticness of the French troops came in the way. Belgium is the next on
+the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany is a big one so of course
+the Germans had the best of it at first but they won't much longer. So it
+will be all right soon if we dont eat too many sweets and things. Russia,
+Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America and Montynegro, which I forgot
+before, are all splendid countries but space forbids more.
+
+KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each for
+himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being
+    hushed to the front incessantly."--_Star._
+
+We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of singing as
+he goes into battle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out
+    would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some
+    expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the
+    Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'--which, of course, are the Latin names
+    of garden insects."--_Pearson's Weekly._
+
+Clearly a case of nature mimicry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SELF-PROTECTION.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I'VE INVESTED A MINT OF MONEY IN OTHER LANDS, IT'S TIME I PUT
+SOMETHING INTO MY OWN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVIVALS AND REVISIONS.
+
+"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph on
+SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the Band of
+Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way with
+_Hamlet_ is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New authors can
+be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be stronger or
+weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is henceforward to be
+revised, and fairly stringently too.
+
+Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of _Hamlet_ which
+interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned motives
+and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in discrimination,
+SHAKSPEARE did his best to make _Hamlet_ a poetical as well as a dramatic
+tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the mass of rhetoric with
+which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr. IRVING's task to prune this
+well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so that the real dramatic stuff
+can at last "get over." But he has done no more. Any rumour to the effect
+that he has introduced American songs or dances, or that a "joy plank"
+bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue and deserves the severest denial.
+
+One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been
+interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis--and by great he means
+those most likely to become revivalists--says that it is the same tale with
+all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home near the Zoo, in
+his study furnished with the works of all the greatest writers, from the
+Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was perfectly true that
+he was contemplating a revival of _The Three Musketeers_, with certain
+alterations to bring it into line with modern taste in warrior heroes.
+
+"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear khaki.
+Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also be
+transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly. Thus
+_D'Artagnan_ will become an airman, _Aramis_ a padre with fighting
+instincts, _Athos_ a general, and _Porthos_ an officer in the A.S.C. A
+certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary, but that will
+come."
+
+In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith and
+Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany, knows, a
+conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit the North
+Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing.
+
+"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing _The Bells_. Mr. IRVING has kindly
+leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the plot, nor
+does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made so famous by
+Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to suit Mr. LESLIE
+HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of thinking,"--here the young officer
+saluted--"no funnier comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing
+the title from _The Bells_ to _The Belles_, as being more in keeping with
+Gaiety traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID
+BEATTY wants me."
+
+But the most interesting case of revision will be that of _The School for
+Scandal_, because, two managements being at work upon it, each with
+somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the same time,
+with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays. And this
+suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that one old play
+can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly conscientious
+brains through which it passes. The two managers who have cast longing eyes
+on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr. OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR
+HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of life for this play if it is
+taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore arranged an acting version which
+will occupy about an hour, with laughs. By eliminating the word "sentiment"
+alone, which is tediously harped upon, several minutes are saved. Some of
+_Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle's_ repetition of the word "Never" also goes.
+The satirical conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of
+date, and the whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE
+also is re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the
+play lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has
+therefore kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of
+scene to Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this
+change, even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force
+is gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as _Mrs.
+Candour_ (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but
+natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play _Charles Surface_, with the accent on
+the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths and the simple
+life.
+
+In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends the
+following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops to Cinema; or, The
+Mistakes of a Knight_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER
+LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD CONTROL.
+
+There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for
+our Post-Office employees.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--_Evening News_ (_Portsmouth_).
+
+Horse-racing in war-time _is_ rather a sorry business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in
+    good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General Headquarters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Skinner._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE RATIONING?"
+
+_Podmore._ "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY BELT."
+
+_Skinner._ "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM A FULL HEART.
+
+          In days of peace my fellow-men
+            Rightly regarded me as more like
+          A Bishop than a Major-Gen.,
+            And nothing since has made me warlike;
+          But when this age-long struggle ends
+            And I have seen the Allies dish up
+          The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends!
+            I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop.
+
+  _When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_
+  _I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_
+  _When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,_
+  _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe._
+
+          I never really longed for gore,
+            And any taste for red corpuscles
+          That lingered with me left before
+            The German troops had entered Brussels.
+          In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!"
+            Froze me; and, as the War grew older,
+          The noise of someone else's gun
+            Left me considerably colder.
+
+  _When the War is over and the battle has been won,_
+  _I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;_
+  _When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,_
+  _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think._
+
+          The Captains and the Kings depart--
+            It may be so, but not lieutenants;
+          Dawn after weary dawn I start
+            The never-ending round of penance;
+          One rock amid the welter stands
+            On which my gaze is fixed intently--
+          An after-life in quiet lands
+            Lived very lazily and gently.
+
+  _When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,_
+  _I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;_
+  _When the War is over and we've finished up the show,_
+  _I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow._
+
+      Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle,
+      And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle,
+      And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver,
+      And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver,
+      And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting,
+      And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting--
+      Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ...
+          Say, starting on Saturday week.
+
+A.A.M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THINGS THAT MATTER IN WAR-TIME.
+
+    "Among the audience the Duchess of ----'s slim height and long neck,
+    swathed in sables, stood out."--_Evening Standard._
+
+    "Mrs. ---- was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, collared
+    with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."--_Daily Sketch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over
+    the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained
+    fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog
+    rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."--_Vancouver Daily Province._
+
+It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of machines
+of the new type.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LX.
+
+My dear CHARLES,--Those who insist that between the Higher Commands on
+either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard each other's
+personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views. Recent movements
+show that there is no such bargain, or else that the lawless Hun has broken
+it. He has attained little else by his destructiveness save the discomfort
+of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily,
+perhaps, owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love
+difficulties to overcome. That is their business in life.
+
+It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q. would
+move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his front-
+door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and confining to
+their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to isolate himself
+from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier himself, however, he
+was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming difficulties. He was seen
+hovering about, as good as asking for the instructions he most dreaded. And
+he got them, short and sharp, as all good military instructions should be.
+
+If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to another,
+and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be there, I
+should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C. asked for a
+fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now the 31st. We
+should move to the new place about the 7th," said the Highest Authority.
+"Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became permanently and irrevocably
+fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his accomplices the thing was as
+good as done.
+
+The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the period of
+unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department, learning by instinct
+what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had long suspected, its own
+immediate and paramount importance. Every department appointed a
+representative to go round and see the C.C. about it, another
+representative to write to him about it, and a third to ring him up on the
+telephone, and go on ringing him up on the telephone, about it. The only
+departments that kept modestly in the background were those upon which the
+execution of the move fell. The C.C., noting the queue of representatives
+at his front-door and the agitation of his telephone, slipped out by the
+back-door, and went to look for the workers, and, when he'd found them, he
+lived with them, night and day, here, there and everywhere.
+
+Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed the
+C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They said
+things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile also the
+departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew bitter and
+restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil.
+
+I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of milk
+supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of difficulty a
+soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new camp there was
+no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and again the thing
+was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to think out a cow, so to
+speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment, transport, housing,
+maintenance and education. A man of infinite variety, the arrival of the
+cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He could not even begin to solve
+the food question. To him it seemed there were only two alternatives for
+the beast: bully beef or ration allowance at three francs a day in lieu of
+rations. The cow, he was told, was entitled and likely to refuse both.
+
+We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like food,"
+said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more difficult and
+complicated matters of establishment we will issue your orders." These ran:
+"Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on your Weekly Strength
+Return, with a statement of all casualties affecting same. Casualties
+include admission to or evacuation from hospital; change of address;
+marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom. (2) To be brought on the proper
+establishment of H.Q., it should be shown as 'Officer's Charger, one,' and
+should be trained and employed by you as such. (3) Please report action
+taken, and whether by you or by the Cow."
+
+Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and hearkening to the
+cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old regiment took occasion to
+march through the village and, in so doing, added insult to injury. The
+regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a goat; the goat fell out on the
+march and went sick. It did this in that portion of the C.C.'s front garden
+which was not already occupied by the cow, and its orders from the Colonel,
+who was its C.O. and had once been the Camp Commandant's C.O., were to
+remain with the C.C. and upon his charge till called for. This is all a
+very true story, but it's poor rations I'll be getting from the C.C. during
+what remains of this War for divulging it.
+
+Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly General
+to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly important department
+or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As there is no terrible
+complication which may not occur in the life of such, so there is no bitter
+irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon of April 6th found the
+C.C. on the site of the now camp, surrounded by confusion and an angry
+crowd of experts. There had been words and more words; there had only just
+not been blows, and all with regard to this wretched and incessant subject
+of April 7th. The C.C., never broad-minded on the point, had become
+positively ridiculous and tiresome about that irrevocable date, April 7th.
+It was a dull subject in any case, said the experts, but in the
+circumstances it was inane and cruel to go on insisting on it. R.E.,
+Lorries, Signals and all their suites, not having been on too friendly
+terms among themselves these latter days, were fast becoming united in
+their intense loathing of the C.C. and his everlasting and impossible April
+7th.
+
+At this moment the Highest Authority itself arrived on the scene to have a
+look at it. He was not in the least discontented with what he saw; he was
+inclined to congratulate the experts upon their expedition.
+
+"We shall be hard put to it, Sir," said the C.C., "to be ready for
+to-morrow."
+
+"To-morrow?" said the Highest Authority. "Why to-morrow particularly?"
+
+"To-morrow is the 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with sinister emphasis.
+
+"And what about it if it is?" asked the Highest Authority.
+
+"We have to move in here on April 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with almost an
+injured note in his voice.
+
+"Have you?" said the Highest Authority. "Why?"
+
+The experts saluted and moved off, commenting quietly among themselves upon
+the good sense and magnanimity of the Highest Authority. As for that Camp
+Commandant--
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD BEFORE CLOTHES.
+
+    "Exchange Fawn Costume, slight figure, good condition, for two broody
+    hens."--_The Smallholder._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEROINE OF THE NEW NOVEL.
+
+[Illustration: "BUT I CANNOT LINGER THUS WITH YOU, SIR REGINALD," SAID THE
+RUSTIC BEAUTY; "I HAVE TO CLEAN THE PIG-STY." SHE PAUSED, AND THEN ALMOST
+INAUDIBLY, "YOU MAY HELP ME, IF YOU LIKE."
+
+SIR REGINALD VAVASOUR'S HEART LEAPT WITHIN HIM.]
+
+[Illustration: AT LAST HE HAD HIS CHANCE. "HOW MUCH IS IT TO THE MARBLE
+ARCH?" HE ASKED.
+
+"TUPPENCE," SHE REPLIED SOFTLY; AND THE SIMPLE WORD RANG THROUGH EVERY
+FIBRE OF HIS BODY.]
+
+[Illustration: DUSK WAS DESCENDING. HIS BACK TYRE WAS PUNCTURED, AND HE WAS
+ALONE--LOST IN THE WILD MOORLAND. SUDDENLY A CHEERY YOUNG VOICE SMOTE UPON
+HIS EAR: "WHAT'S UP, OLD CHAP? CAN I BE ANY USE?"]
+
+[Illustration: "OH, I'M SO FEARFULLY SORRY!" SAID A SWEET YOUNG VOICE IN
+DISTRESSED ACCENTS. AND THEN HE BECAME AWARE OF A DAINTY LITTLE FOOT AND
+ANKLE COYLY PROTRUDING FROM A BLUE TROUSER ALMOST AT A LEVEL WITH HIS EYE.]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORIAM.
+
+FRANCIS COWLEY BURNAND,
+
+1836--1917.
+
+EDITOR OF "PUNCH," 1880--1906.
+
+  Hail and Farewell, dear Brother of the Pen,
+  Maker of sunshine for the minds of men,
+  Lord of bright cheer and master of our hearts--
+  What plaint is fit when such a friend departs?
+  Not with mere ceremonial words of woe
+  Come we to mourn--you would not have it so;
+  But with our memories stored with joyous fun,
+  Your constant largesse till your life was done,
+  With quips, that flashed through frequent twists and bends,
+  Caught from the common intercourse of friends;
+  And gay allusions gayer for the zest
+  Of one who hurt no friend and spared no jest.
+  What arts were yours that taught you to indite
+  What all men thought, but only you could write!
+  That wrung from gloom itself a fleeting smile;
+  Rippled with laughter but refrained from guile;
+  Led you to prick some bladder of conceit
+  Or trip intrusive folly's blundering feet,
+  While wisdom at your call came down to earth,
+  Unbent awhile and gave a hand to mirth!
+
+  You too had pondered mid your jesting strife
+  The deeper issues of our mortal life;
+  Guided to God by faith no doubt could dim
+  You fought your fight and left the rest to Him,
+  Content to set your heart on things above
+  And rule your days by laughter and by love.
+  Rest in our memories! You are guarded there
+  By those who knew you as you lived and were.
+  There mid our Happy Thoughts you take your stand,
+  A sun-girt shade, and light that shadow-land.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Captain_ (_newly attached_). "ER--IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D
+LIKE ME TO GET ON TO, SIR?"
+
+_Major_ (_regimental economist_). "AH, YES! I WISH YOU'D JUST LOOK AFTER
+THE BONES AND DRIPPING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+VIII.
+
+SOUR GRAPES.
+
+"I have no doubt," said the fox, after a last futile attempt to reach them,
+"that the grapes are sour;" and he went off slowly down the hill.
+
+At the bottom of the hill a barrel was lying, and the philosopher was
+filled with new hope. "The very thing," he said to himself.
+
+He put his shoulder to the barrel and pushed and panted and panted and
+pushed till he got it nearly to the top. But it broke away at the last
+moment and rolled down the hill.
+
+He rolled it up again and again perseveringly. He tried as often as
+Sisyphus. He tried indeed just once more, because at last he succeeded and
+the barrel was placed on end under the vine.
+
+Joyfully he climbed on the barrel and bit at the fruit.
+
+Then he jumped down with a bark of disgust.
+
+The grapes _were_ sour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mutiny aboard a German U-boat, aided by the demolarizing effects of a
+    submarine bomb, made the diver a prize of the British Admiralty and her
+    crew the willing prisoners of a patrol boat."--_Ottawa Evening
+    Journal._
+
+This kind of bomb--the demolariser--is just what we want to draw the
+enemy's teeth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE END OF THE THOUSAND-AND-ONE NIGHTS.
+
+THE OFFICIAL STORY-TELLER (_to Wilhelm-al-Raschid_). "I CAN'T THINK OF ANY
+FRESH FAIRY TALES. WOULD YOU LIKE A TRUE ONE NOW?"
+
+[April 30th was the thousand-and-first day of the War.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 23rd._--Any intelligent foreigner who obtained admission to
+the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in the expectation that on the
+feast-day of our national saint and the birthday of our national poet he
+would be privileged to listen to a series of eloquent speeches upon
+patriotism, delivered by our most accomplished orators, must have been
+deeply disappointed. The one subject that the House of Commons seems to
+care about is food.
+
+The CONTROLLER has hit one section of the House in its tenderest portion.
+Those Members who make their mid-day meal off tea and bread-and-butter
+think it very hard that they should be allowed no more bread than others
+who take the full luncheon. On their behalf Mr. LONDON, like _The
+Carpenter_, said, "Give us another slice." But, despite a slight facial
+resemblance to _The Walrus_, Colonel LOCKWOOD was inexorable.
+
+The late Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY was once described by his ex-leader as "a nice
+old gentleman for a quiet tea-party." If anyone had said that a Sunday-
+School treat would furnish the appropriate _milieu_ for that ardent
+Pacifist, Mr. JOWETT, I should, until this afternoon, have been inclined to
+agree with him. But it is evident that his acquaintance with Sunday-School
+treats is purely academic, for in requesting the FOOD CONTROLLER to remove
+the ban lately placed upon them he spoke of the treat as a "simple meal,
+consisting of _a_ bun and tea only." The italic is our own comment on this
+estimate of the capacity of our brave tea-fighters.
+
+_Tuesday, April 24th._--Those Members to whom their constituents have given
+notice to quit at the next election, and who have recently been somewhat
+depressed by the thought of the impending loss to the nation of their
+valuable services, are plucking up heart again now that the life of
+Parliament is to be once more extended. Mr. KING, for example, was in his
+best form this afternoon. It goes without saying that his advice to the
+Board of Agriculture to set a good example to the country by sending their
+racehorses out to grass was well received, for any reference to the
+Government stud is equivalent to the "Pass the mustard" of the established
+humourist. His real success came when Mr. BONAR LAW denied that Sir GEORGE
+MCCRAE had been appointed Chief Whip to the Government. Mr. KING drawled
+out, "As _The Times_ has stated that this gentleman was so appointed will
+its foreign circulation be stopped?" Then the laughter came spontaneous and
+loud.
+
+[Illustration: _Hodge._ "I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."]
+
+Another little joke which tickled the House was, I suspect, the outcome of
+a conspiracy. At least I cannot understand why Mr. OUTHWAITE should have
+been so anxious to know the amount of ginger imported into this country
+last year, unless it was to afford Mr. MACVEAGH an opportunity of asking,
+when the amount, some three thousand tons, had been announced, "How is it
+that the new Government has got none of it?"
+
+There is a growing tendency on the part of Ministers, when charged with the
+conduct of a Bill, to speak of it as "a poor thing not mine own." They
+imagine, I suppose, that an air of deprecation, not to say depreciation, is
+likely to commend the measure to an audience in which party-spirit is
+supposed to be defunct.
+
+[Illustration: VISCOUNT CHAPLIN MAKING NOTES ON THE MILLENNIUM FROM THE
+PEERS' GALLERY.]
+
+At first it seemed as if Mr. PROTHERO, in moving the second reading of the
+Corn Production Bill, was going to adopt the modern attitude of
+_insouciance_, for he spoke of it as "bristling with controversial points"
+(as if it were intended to promote the growth of quite another kind of
+corn), and observed that he himself had originally been opposed to State
+interference with agriculture. But he soon warmed to his work, and spoke
+with all the zeal of the convert. Among his most appreciative listeners
+were the occupants of the Peers' Gallery--the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, who has
+transformed the sword of Blenheim into a ploughshare, and Viscount CHAPLIN,
+to whom the announcement of State bounties for wheat-growing seems like the
+arrival of the Millennium.
+
+Another ex-Minister of Agriculture was, to put it mildly, less
+enthusiastic. I should be doing Mr. RUNCIMAN little injustice to say that
+for the moment the politician in him rose superior to the patriot. If after
+the War the old party-quarrels are to break out again with all their fatal
+futility I can imagine that Liberal wire-pullers in the rural districts
+will be much embarrassed by the existence of bounties which economically
+they cannot approve but which politically they dare not remove. But surely
+we shall have learned our lesson badly if the old strife of Tory and
+Liberal is to be revived in all its former virulence and sterility. Besides
+there is the Labour Party to be considered, as Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS reminded
+the House in the best speech he has made since he went on the Treasury
+Bench. He pointed out that if high wages and good conditions were to be
+secured for agricultural workers the prosperity of the agricultural
+industry as a whole must be ensured; and he hoped that the policy of
+State-aid would not stop there. No wonder the hard-shell Free Traders
+looked glum.
+
+Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must be careful or he will jeopardize his reputation as a
+humourist. Mr. PARTINGTON having asked whether the Government would put
+down their racehorses, the gallant Admiral could think of no better jest
+than that the proposal was as futile as that of the hon. Member's namesake,
+who endeavoured to keep out the Atlantic with a mop. Shortly afterwards Mr.
+YEO asked whether the Government would consider the destruction of cats,
+with a view, perhaps, to the suppression of MEUX.
+
+The Corn Production Bill had to run the gauntlet of a good many criticisms
+during the second day's debate. The unkindest cut of all was delivered by
+the SPEAKER. Mr. MOLTENO had asked whether Members who were landowners or
+farmers might vote on a measure affecting their financial interests, and
+Mr. LOWTHER replied that the benefits were "so problematical and so
+uncertain" that he thought they might. Mr. MOLTENO used his freedom to vote
+against the Second Reading; but only a handful of Members followed his
+example. Mr. RUNCIMAN and his friends decided that abstention was the
+better part of valour.
+
+_Thursday, April 26th._--Major BAIRD made a modest and candid defence of
+the Air Board against its many critics. He did not pretend that they were
+yet satisfied--in the case of so new a service there could be no finality--
+but he claimed that the departments had worked much more harmoniously since
+they were all housed under the hospitable roof of the Hotel Cecil, a
+statement which Lord HUGH of that ilk subsequently endorsed. Major BAIRD,
+despite the general mildness of his voice and demeanour, can deliver a good
+hard knock on occasion. He warned the House against indulging in a certain
+class of criticism, on the ground that there was no surer way of killing an
+airman than to destroy his confidence in the machine he was flying; and he
+asserted that the "mastery of the air" was a meaningless phrase impossible
+of realization. I think Mr. PEMBERTON-HICKS and Mr. JOYNSON-BILLING took
+the rebuke to heart, for they were much less aggressive than usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BE A GOOD BOY AND STOP YOUR 'OLLERIN, AND I'LL LET YER SEE
+THE OLD GENT FALL ORF THE BUS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SICK.
+
+  Dear MR. PUNCH,--Excuse this tosh,
+  But I've succumbed to measles (Bosch),
+  And all my dreary hours are spent
+  Inside a vast and gloomy tent.
+  So, as I'm feeling rather blue,
+  I thought I'd better write to you.
+  All known diseases here you'll find
+  (This letter's steamed, you needn't mind);
+  But in my tent there's only one,
+  I'm glad to say, viz., measles (Hun).
+  The Nurses all are Scotch and stout,
+  So are the drinks I do without;
+  I don't complain of lack of fruit--
+  At least we don't get arrowroot--
+  Nor have I even ever seen a
+  Single plate of semolina.
+  So life is not so bad, you see,
+  Except for chlorine in the tea.
+  I think that's all, so now will end,
+  Hoping this finds you, dearest friend,
+  Just as it leaves me, in the pink
+  (My rash is not quite gone, I think).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Now those precious divisions have to be hurled into the furnace to
+    avert a veritable landslide."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+The shortage of men in the German Army has evidently been exaggerated. This
+confirms the evidence from other sources that they have troops to burn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"HAMLET."
+
+To prepare a very own version of _Hamlet_ and play it with credit--that is
+still the blue riband of the Stage. Mr. H.B. IRVING has fairly won it. The
+version seemed to me apt. He tells us that his main purpose was to bring
+out the story as if for those who had never seen the play before. It is a
+rational point of view, and certainly it seemed a distinct improvement not
+to lose sight of _Hamlet's_ adventure to England, as is commonly the case,
+and to keep the essential sequence of events and the personality of the
+Prince constantly before the audience. The justification of the heroic cuts
+and adaptations was that the action did move faster towards the tragic end,
+instead of seeming to drag rather tiresomely as (be it confessed) it
+sometimes does.
+
+[Illustration: "OUR SON IS FAT AND SCANT OF BREATH."
+
+(We shouldn't have guessed it, but his own mother ought to know.)
+
+_Hamlet_ . . . . . . . MR. H.B. IRVING.]
+
+Observers contrasting this with Mr. IRVING'S earlier performance remarked a
+gain in depth and fire and a happier restraint of mannerism. It was a very
+notable and gracious piece of work. He has the player's first gift, an
+arresting personality. His elocution has distinction. He conveys the beauty
+of the words and the richness of the packed thought thoughtfully. The
+complex play of action and motive--the purpose blunted by overmuch
+thinking, the spurs to dull revenge, the self-contempt, the assumed antic
+disposition, at times the real mental disturbance--all this was set before
+us with a fine skill and resource. The "To be or not to be" soliloquy was
+masterly in its sincerity and restraint; the two broken love passages with
+_Ophelia_ showed a fine tenderness through the distraught, bitter mood. An
+ingenious turn was given to that difficult change of weapons in the fencing
+bout, though I doubt if the Sword Club would wholly have approved the
+technique of the fencing.
+
+Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT'S _Ophelia_ in the Mad Scene was full of beauty,
+sweetness and dignity--and we have so often been bored by our lesser
+_Ophelias_. A very fine performance. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was the foolish
+prating knave, a _Polonius_ robbed of his best speech, and the more
+consistent therefore. Mr. IRVING is obviously right in his view that
+_Polonius_ could never by any chance have given any such advice to his
+truculent son.
+
+One may congratulate the producer on the courage of his convictions. But I
+wonder if the Shakspearean tradition is really dying. The general quality
+of the performance was, it must be confessed, not inspiring. There was
+little of the king's divinity hedging _Claudius_; the _Queen_ (an always
+difficult part) was elaborately unconvincing, though played by a clever
+actress; _Guildenstern_ and awkward _Rosencrantz_ deserved any fate which
+awaited them in England. Neither _Laertes_ nor _Horatio_ seemed authentic.
+But Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' grave-digger had humour and avoided tedium. _Hamlet_
+was the thing.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Berlin official telegram states that the Kaiser has sent the
+    following telegram to the Crown Prince:--'The troops of all the German
+    tribes under your command, with steel-hard determination and strongly
+    led, have brought to failure the great French attempt to break through
+    on the Aisne and in Champagne. Also there, again, the infantry had to
+    bear the grunt.'"--_Northern Whig._
+
+The Imperial euphemism, we suppose, for the cry of "Kamerad!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW RATIONS.
+
+    "Joint Hospital Board, ----, 14th April, 1917. The above Board require
+    two Probationer Nurses for their Consumption."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent having observed in a morning paper the headline,
+"Pomeranians Surrender!" sends us a suggested contents-bill for _The
+Barking Gazette_:--
+
+  GREAT CAPTURE OF POMS!
+  PEKINESE BREAK OFF RELATIONS.
+  GREAT DANES NEUTRAL.
+  RAID BY TERRITORIAL FLYING CORPS
+    (SKY TERRIERS).
+  ROUT OF DALMATIANS.
+  FIELD-GREYHOUNDS DRIVEN OFF.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADJUTANT ON LEAVE.
+
+"Leave, I'm afraid," remarked the Adjutant, standing with his back to the
+fire and hitching his bath towel more securely over his left shoulder, "can
+only be granted now in special circumstances."
+
+Flying being prevented for that afternoon by the weather conditions, we had
+been playing hockey, and the Adjutant, who by virtue of seniority had just
+had first go at the bathroom, was in a warm and expansive mood. The rest of
+us sat about in his quarters awaiting our turns at a hot-water supply that
+would certainly cease to have anything warming or expansive about it by the
+time it reached the junior Second Lieutenant.
+
+"The question is," said that dejected officer, fixing the Adjutant with a
+watchful eye--"the question is, what are you going to regard as special
+circumstances?"
+
+"You state your circumstances to me officially to-morrow," said the
+Adjutant cheerfully, "and I'll tell you quickly enough whether they're
+special or not,"
+
+"I suppose," suggested the Stunt Pilot, "that a wedding would be a pretty
+special sort of circumstance, wouldn't it?"
+
+"That depends," replied the Adjutant. "Are you thinking of getting married
+yourself?"
+
+The Stunt Pilot said that he hadn't been, but if there was any leave going
+with it he might think of it.
+
+"One's simply got to get leave _somehow_," he complained. "What about a
+breach of promise case? Suppose I manage to get mixed up in a breach of
+promise case, wouldn't that do?"
+
+"That's no good," commented the Junior Officer gloomily. "You'd have to get
+leave for something else first before you could manage it."
+
+"And if you did," added the Adjutant severely, "you'd get leave for rather
+longer than you bargained for."
+
+"How about funerals?" put in the Equipment Officer hopefully. "Funerals are
+a fairly sound stunt, aren't they?"
+
+"Funerals," observed the Adjutant, "are played out. If you come to me
+to-morrow and talk about dead uncles and things I shall have all sorts of
+inquiries made that will surprise you. I've been had before by funerals.
+When I was in the Army"--the Adjutant talks like this since he was attached
+to the Flying Corps--"when I was in the Army there was a fellow who used to
+come to the orderly-room and talk funerals to me until I was sick of the
+sight of him. After some months of it I made him give me a written list of
+all his surviving relations, and then as he killed them off I used to
+scratch them out. I caught him at last on his third grandmother."
+
+"That's all very nice," said the Stunt Pilot, "but the question at present
+before the meeting is how are we poor beggars to get any leave?"
+
+"It's no good blaming me," returned the Adjutant blandly. "Command Orders
+are Command Orders."
+
+There was a brief silence, and then the Stunt Pilot lifted up his voice and
+spoke eloquently about the War Office and Brass Hats generally. He said
+that they had hearts of granite and were strangers to all loving-kindness.
+Their days were spent in idleness in the Metropolis (so said the Stunt
+Pilot), while he and his fellows drove rotten 'buses for hours together
+over the beastliest district in Europe. Of an evening the Carlton and the
+Piccadilly, the Bing Boys and the Bing Girls, all the delights of London
+were ready to their hands, while poor devils like himself, shorn of leave,
+were condemned to languish in a moth-eaten Mess in the society of such
+people as the Adjutant. Where was the sense in it, where the justice, and
+when the deuce were they, any of them, going to get a chance at the
+bath-room?
+
+The Adjutant regarded him with amused pity.
+
+"The fact of it is," he observed, "you people have been absolutely spoilt
+over leave. When I was in the Infantry we used to consider three or four
+days in six months quite handsome."
+
+The Stunt Pilot inquired sarcastically whether he meant three or four days'
+work or three or four days' leave.
+
+"I don't mind saying," pursued the Adjutant, ignoring this sally, "at the
+risk of making myself unpopular, that personally I think it's a very good
+thing that leave _has_ been cut down. My own opinion is that in the past
+there's been a lot too much leave flying about. Running up and down to
+London on leave isn't going to help beat the Germans. What we've got to do
+if we want to win this War is to--"
+
+At this moment the C.O. entered and put down a hockey-stick in the corner.
+
+"Thanks for the stick, Jervis," he said, and turned to go. "By the way,
+shall I see you at the orderly-room tomorrow before you go? What train are
+you catching?"
+
+The Adjutant hesitated for the fraction of a second.
+
+"Well, Sir," he said, "I thought of taking the 9.5."
+
+"I see," said the C.O. "Right-o. You won't be away longer than forty-eight
+hours, I suppose?"
+
+"Oh, no," said the Adjutant. "That'll do well, Sir."
+
+A brief astonished silence followed the C.O.'s departure, a silence broken
+by the excited tones of the Stunt Pilot.
+
+"The 9.5?" he cried. "Are you going to _London_?"
+
+The Adjutant lit a cigarette with some deliberation.
+
+"Only just for forty-eight hours," he remarked.
+
+"Forty-eight hours!" gasped the indignant Pilot; then, raising his voice to
+surmount the din, "Forty-eight hours' leave in London, and you've just been
+pouring out hot air about--"
+
+"_Leave?_" interrupted the Adjutant, in pained surprise. "What d'you mean
+by leave? I'm going on _duty_."
+
+A chorus of derisive laughter greeted the announcement. "Duty?" echoed the
+Stunt Pilot bitterly. "_What_ duty?"
+
+The Adjutant took another furl in his bath-towel.
+
+"If you really must know," he said composedly, "I'm going to buy a
+vacuum-cleaner for the Mess."
+
+"You infernal old wangler!" cried the outraged Pilot, when at last he was
+able to make himself heard. "Of course it takes forty-eight hours to buy a
+vacuum-cleaner, doesn't it?"
+
+"As a matter of fact," said the Adjutant solemnly, "my whole experience of
+vacuum-cleaners leads me to the conviction that you have to look at a great
+many of them before you can pick a really good one." He glanced round for
+his clothes. "And now if you fellows will get on with your baths, I've got
+an air mechanic coming in a minute or two to cut my hair. I expect I shall
+be far too busy in town for the next two days to have any time to waste on
+barbers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer_ (_to "land-lady"_). "HI, MISSIE, WHAT BE YE DOIN'
+WI TRACE-HORSE BEHIND, AND A LOAD LIKE THAT?"
+
+"_Land-lady._" "OH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN HE WAS IN FRONT HE WAS ALWAYS
+TURNING ROUND WRONG WAY ON, SO I JUST PUT HIM BEHIND TO HELP UP HILLS, LIKE
+THE RAILWAY ENGINES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENERAL POST.
+
+Everything was just as usual. I caught my tram at the corner of the street.
+It was the six o'clock car--I noticed the usual evening crowd, and they
+were all as bored and cross and frigid as usual.
+
+The old gentleman of the whiskers was, as usual, reading his evening paper.
+He looked personally affronted as I sat down beside him. The elderly
+relative--as I call her--was opposite to me. She had her small attache-case
+and her knitting as usual, and she made me feel at a glance that my face
+bored her intolerably. For the rest, I saw the fat paterfamilias, the
+wish-I-had-a-motor lady, the pert flapper and all the crew who travel with
+dejected spirits to and fro on our suburban line.
+
+So far all was in order. Then the conductress came round.
+
+"Tuppenny," I murmured. "Albemarle Road."
+
+"What's your town?" she asked, taking a pencil from behind her ear.
+
+"Town? It's Albemarle Road I want."
+
+"But what town do you choose for Post?" she asked. "You've all got to have
+a town, you know. Don't make it too long. Hurry up! I've got to write you
+all down, and it's time to begin."
+
+"Pontresina," I gasped wildly. That seemed to be the only town I had ever
+heard of.
+
+"And you, Sir?" she was asking the old gentleman.
+
+"Macclesfield," he said very decidedly.
+
+The elderly relative was fidgeting to say hers. I could have guessed it
+would be St. Ives.
+
+The conductress made her way from one end to the other.
+
+"All got towns?" she asked. "You, Sir? Pernambuco? I do wish you'd stick to
+English names. Are you all ready?"
+
+She rang the bell.
+
+"Now," she said, "the gentleman on the stool has to catch. The Post is
+going from Paris to Pontresina."
+
+I rose and looked wildly down the car. The flapper was beckoning slightly.
+Her contemptuous boredom had vanished, and she looked a merry child again.
+I rushed, stumbled, rocked into her place; she sank with a gasp into mine.
+
+"York to St. Ives!"
+
+It was the paterfamilias who was up now, and the elderly relative was
+signing to him. In a breathless scurry she was in his place gasping beside
+me. For the first time in her life she spoke to me.
+
+"What an escape!" she said. "There, _he'_s caught--York, I mean. I don't
+know his proper name. It's odd, isn't it, we know each other's faces so
+well and yet we don't know each other's names. Now that we have towns for
+names, it will be far more friendly, won't it? I always called you Cicero
+to myself. Oh, I hardly know why--you looked a little satirical sometimes.
+But now you're Pontresina, of course."
+
+"Macclesfield to Pernambuco!"
+
+"There!" laughed my companion. "I knew Macclesfield would be caught--he's
+so stately, isn't he? But look how he's laughing. Do you know I never
+thought any of the people in this car _could_ laugh, or even smile. I do
+think this Society for the Abolition of Boredom in Public Conveyances is an
+excellent thing, don't you?"
+
+"Pontresina to St. Ives!"
+
+Breathlessly we changed places; her black hat was a little crooked, but she
+only laughed.
+
+"I've lost my knitting, too," she said, "but I don't mind. This exercise
+keeps one so warm these cold days."
+
+The game was in wild progress; the car rocked and jolted and the
+conductress shouted the names.
+
+"General Post!" she called. "Those inside change places with those
+outside."
+
+That was the most breathlessly exciting moment of the whole game. There was
+a solid struggling mass of humanity on the tram staircase. Those without
+were pushing frantically to come down; we were shoving to get up.
+
+The lady called St. Ives was thumping my shoulders.
+
+"Climb up the railing," she said.
+
+Somehow I did it, and leaned down to catch her hands and drag her upwards.
+We launched ourselves breathlessly on to the furthest seat.
+
+Stout old Macclesfield was the next. He had lost his hat and his white hair
+was ruffled.
+
+"I'm here," he said. "Macclesfield for ever!"
+
+The flapper had scrambled up the front staircase against the rules. She
+cast herself down beside Macclesfield.
+
+"Here I am, old dear," she exclaimed. "I left York simply _jammed_ in the
+wedge. Oh, isn't it fun? I never laughed so much. We never _can_ be serious
+with each other after this, can we?"
+
+St. Ives nodded.
+
+"I'll never forget Pontresina climbing the rail," she said. "I used to
+think him so haughty; now--"
+
+"Albemarle Road--don't you want Albemarle Road?" the conductress was asking
+me. She spoke very loudly.
+
+"Pontresina--I'm Pontresina," I answered.
+
+"This is Albemarle Road. If you're going on it'll be another penny," she
+insisted.
+
+I rose in bewilderment.
+
+St. Ives was looking at me while she knitted. I raised my hat to her and
+smiled. We had been such good friends all the evening--how could I ever
+forget it? But she did not smile; she only stared. She seemed to think I
+was mad. Macclesfield was reading his _Star_ just as if he had never hurled
+himself on to the top of the 'bus. The flapper was squinting at herself in
+a little pocket-mirror; she looked contemptuously at me as I passed. Old
+York was half asleep. One would think they had never been rushing about in
+that frantic General Post. And we were all inside the car again.
+
+It _was_ odd!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE BLOKE WOT PAINTED THAT KNEW 'OW TO DO A BIT O' FOOD
+'OARDING, DIDN'T 'E?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'TWAS FIFTY YEARS AGO.
+
+(_Lines suggested by an old Magazine._)
+
+  Published the year I went to school--
+    The second of life's seven ages--
+  How fragrant of Victorian rule
+    Are these forgotten pages!
+  When meat and fruit were still uncanned;
+    When good CHARLES DICKENS still was writing;
+  And SWINBURNE'S poetry was banned
+    As rather too exciting.
+
+  No murmurs of impending strife
+    Were heard, no dark suggestions hinted;
+  Our novelists still looked on life
+    Through spectacles rose-tinted;
+  And Paris, in those giddy years,
+    Still laughed at OFFENBACH and SCHNEIDER,
+  Blind to the doom of blood and tears,
+    With none to warn or guide her.
+
+  The index and the authors' names,
+    Their stories and their lucubrations,
+  Recall old literary aims
+    And faded reputations;
+  We wonder at the influence
+    That SALA'S florid periods had on
+  His fellows, and the vogue immense
+    Of versatile Miss BRADDON.
+
+  And yet I read _Aurora Floyd_
+    In youth with rapture quite unholy--
+  Not in the way that I enjoyed
+    Mince-pies or roly-poly;
+  While "G.A.S." appeared to me
+    Like a Leonid fresh from starland,
+  Not the young lion that we see
+    Portrayed in _Friendship's Garland_.
+
+  And there are tinklings of the lute
+    In orthodox decorous fashion,
+  But altogether destitute
+    Of "elemental" passion;
+  And illustrations which refrain
+    From all that verges on the shady,
+  But glorify the whiskered swain,
+    The lachrymose young lady.
+
+  The sirens of the "sixties" showed
+    No inkling of our modern Circes,
+  And swells had not evolved the code
+    That guides our precious Percys;
+  Woman, in short, was grave or gay,
+    But not a problem or a riddle,
+  And maidens still were taught to play
+    The harp and not the fiddle.
+
+  And writers in the main eschewed
+    All topics tending to disquiet,
+  All efforts to reorganize
+    Our dogmas or our diet;
+  You could not carp at MENDELSSOHN
+    Without creating quite a scandal,
+  And rag-time on the gramophone
+    Had not supplanted HANDEL.
+
+  Blameless and wholesome in their way,
+    At times agreeably subacid,
+  I love these records of a day
+    Long dead, but calm and placid;
+  And with a sigh I now replace
+    This ancient volume of _Belgravia_
+  And turn the "latest news" to face
+    _Mutans amaris suavia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Rector's Daughter._ "HOW SPLENDID OF JOE JARVIS'S SON TO
+VOLUNTEER FOR THAT VERY DANGEROUS JOB! I'M SO GLAD HE GOT THE MILITARY
+MEDAL."
+
+_Mrs. Mullins_ (_not to be outdone_). "YES, MISS. AND _MY_ BOY COULD HAVE
+GOT IT TOO IF HE'D CARED TO HAVE TAKEN THE RISK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SLUMP IN MARIONETTES.
+
+    "For the first time for centuries the Old Bailey Sessions were opened
+    on Tuesday without the customary ceremonies connected with the
+    summoning of a Grand Judy."--_Lincolnshire Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'It was between half-past seven and eight,' said a fireman, 'and as I
+    was off duty I came out on deck for a blow. The force of the explosion
+    threw me along the deck for some yards.'"--_Daily Paper._
+
+"This is indeed a blow," said the gallant stoker--we _don't_ think.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HENRY, I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE TO THE URBAN COUNCIL AND TELL
+THEM TO SEND A DUSTMAN WHO TURNS HIS TOES _IN_. OUR ROCK BORDER'S BEING
+COMPLETELY RUINED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I have the feeling that when Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING called his new volume _A
+Diversity of Creatures_ (MACMILLAN) he was rather taking the word out of my
+mouth, or the sword out of my hand, or whatever one does for the confusion
+and discomforting of critics. Because it is just the extreme diversity of
+the tales herein which, while providing (as they say) something for all
+tastes, makes it very hard to appraise the book as a whole. In form it
+follows the KIPLING convention, endeared to us by so much pleasure, of
+sandwiching prose and verse, the poems echoing the idea of the tale that
+has preceded them, and themselves likely to prove for many the most
+attractive pages of the book. As for the stories, here we get diversity
+indeed; and not of theme alone. It is, of course, almost impossible for
+anything signed by Mr. KIPLING to be wholly commonplace, but I am bound to
+admit that there is at least one of the collection (which, pardon me, I do
+not mean to name) that makes a notable effort in that direction. Also there
+are two of which one can honestly say that no other pen could have written
+them with anything like such finished art--_The Village that Voted the
+Earth was Flat_, which one might call a fantasia upon Publicity, and (to my
+mind the best thing in the volume) _My Son's Wife_, an exquisitely humorous
+and cunning study in the Influence of Landed Estate upon a Modern. If this
+definition strikes you as obscure, read the story and you will understand.
+For the rest, as I said above, all tastes are catered for; so that the
+rival schools who admire Mr. KIPLING most as the creator of _Plain Tales_,
+or _Stalky_ or _Puck_, will each receive encouragement and support; while,
+if there be those who prefer the pot-boiler undisguisable, they too will
+not find themselves altogether neglected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do wish our publishers would grasp the great truth that praise of their
+own wares needs (to say the least of it) most careful handling. What they,
+or some anonymous admirer, say on the cover of _The Worn Doorstep_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) is that they should like to shout its merits from the
+housetop. Possibly; but let me protest that it is for me, and not for them,
+to do the shouting, if any; which said, I will proceed to admit that the
+book is one of considerable charm. It is told in the form of letters (never
+to be posted, since they are from a young wife to her soldier-husband,
+presumed to have been killed before the opening of the book). Miss MARGARET
+SHERWOOD thus reverts to a convention more popular some few years ago than
+with our present-day romanticists. The matter of her tale shows how the
+young wife in question found consolation in befriending others, especially
+in the love affairs of a Belgian refugee couple, to whom she opens her home
+and heart. A very pretty idea, developed with many dainty and amiable
+touches. Perhaps (I set down no dogmatic verdict on the point) the cynical
+or impatient may find its sweetness something too drawn out. On the other
+hand, there are many "gentle readers," probably a vast majority, to whom
+its appeal will prove entirely successful. And as they can be trusted to
+spread its merits in the right quarters there will be no need for the
+publishers to shout, either from the house-top or anywhere else, which (as
+I suggested above) is as it should be.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When we are introduced to _Margaret Grenfield_, the heroine of _Fetters on
+the Feet_ (ARNOLD), she is living with some Quaker cousins and spending
+most of her time in mending stockings. So many people make stockings who
+refuse absolutely to mend them that I imagine there must be something
+peculiarly unattractive in this work of restoration, and it was a fortunate
+day for _Margaret_ when the pedantic young man of the house proposed to
+marry her. After this we discover that she has both a history and a will of
+her own. She leaves the Quakers, and goes as secretary to a lady who holds
+eccentric if broadminded views on every conceivable subject, and the change
+of atmosphere, however delightful in various ways, was too much for
+_Margaret's_ peace of mind. The young Quaker was an obstinate wooer and
+followed her up, but his chances of success, which were never rosy, grew
+dimmer and dimmer as _Margaret_, freeing herself of shackles, gradually
+began to see life as a whole instead of through the eye of a darning-
+needle. In the end MRS. FRED REYNOLDS tells us that "the day dawned. The
+whole earth sang and sparkled in the glad light of it," which is her way of
+saying that _Margaret_ had found happiness. But all the same I fancy that
+introspection had become such a habit of this heroine that she is still
+likely to have days when the dawn is grey and no birds sing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He was also the first officer to make a successful flight from the
+    deck of a British warship, and on one occasion he changed an aeroplane
+    propeller blade whilst flying 2,000ft. above the sea."--_Evening
+    Paper._
+
+The above extract has been forwarded by the members of a R.F.C. mess, who
+are anxious to know what happened when he stopped his engine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, for a Farmhouse, Middle-Aged Person to look an Old Lady;
+    lifting and light duties."--_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+We doubt if there will be much response. Most middle-aged persons nowadays
+prefer to look like flappers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a trade prospectus:--
+
+    "---- Cubes contain the nourishing proprieties of beef."
+
+We have always been great believers in bovine modesty.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, May 2, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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