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diff --git a/15121-h/15121-h.htm b/15121-h/15121-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..242da3e --- /dev/null +++ b/15121-h/15121-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2286 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, May 2nd, 1917.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +May 2, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 2, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 21, 2005 [EBook #15121] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 2nd, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>. + + <p>WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the + Alliance. New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but + there is no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will + take on Mexico if America will take on Ireland.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that + future alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as + heretofore, the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always + felt that that is where the castigation should take place.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Daily Chronicle</i> reminds us that Downing Street owes its + origin to an American. There are some people who never will let bygones + be bygones.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in + Victoria, Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in + each rural area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in + the present election campaign.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Tageblatt</i> points out that in view of the extreme goodwill + of Germany towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance + in the torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted + friendliness has confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in + Madrid.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game + of golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire + that the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the + war-area.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This + violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister + who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has + gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed, + ordinary handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting + the horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not + seem to have struck the imagination of trainers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several + thousand milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are + being taken care of by other Departments.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr. + SALEEBY, "than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are + certainly having persistent bad luck.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now + seeking to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide + unpopularity. It is this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured + opponent that is causing some of her best friends in this country to lose + hope.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but + <i>The Daily Mail</i> is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or + not.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold + for £1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the + egg might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the + picture.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten + wheat imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will + result in a greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their + stock.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire + nation is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised, + "continue to eat in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have + heard.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one + organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat + Institution is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to + convince us that he is quite himself again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count + REVENTLOW. He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own + business."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last + year. It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop + sixty-five grains of corn—enough to produce half a sack of wheat. + In fairness to the bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of + this.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the + number of jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal + the old technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at + his own inquest.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern + police court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to + have that sort of memory than that sort of face.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted + Cardinal BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the + CARDINAL had offended the young Cubs.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the + premises of persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past + have been in the habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt + with in other ways.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing + in price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become + so dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall + stage.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/281.png"><img width="100%" src="images/281.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS THESE TIMES?"</p> + + <p>"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE AGE AND SO HE + CAN'T BE A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span> + +<h2>THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The Frankfurter Zeitung</i> protests against the idea that "the + KAISER in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his + dynasty to have access to his thoughts."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Among the penalties imposed on Kings</p> + <p class="i2">Who govern absolutely by divine right,</p> + <p>I am no more affected by the things</p> + <p class="i2">That Socialists and other dirty swine write</p> + <p class="i8">Than when a pin is thrust</p> + <p class="i2">Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now I deign to answer, even I,</p> + <p class="i2">The vilest yet of these revolting sallies,</p> + <p>Where they allege that when our German sky</p> + <p class="i2">Rocks to the air of "<i>Deutschland über alles</i>,"</p> + <p class="i8">"<i>Und Ich,</i>" I add (aside),</p> + <p>"<i>Ich über Deutschland!</i>" There the blighters lied.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm not like that. I never use the first</p> + <p class="i2">Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS,</p> + <p>Who said (in French—a tongue I deem accurst),</p> + <p class="i2">"<i>L'etat, c'est moi.</i>" My conscience, clear and dewy,</p> + <p class="i8">Tells me that, as a Kaiser,</p> + <p>I am a very poor self-advertiser.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>This is a feature of our dynasty;</p> + <p class="i2">And no historian who has ever studied</p> + <p>The traits peculiar to the family tree</p> + <p class="i2">On which the Hohenzollern <i>genus</i> budded</p> + <p class="i8">In all that noble list</p> + <p class="i2">Has come across a single egoist.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They loved their people better than their throne;</p> + <p class="i2">Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom;</p> + <p>They never said, "Your souls are not your own,</p> + <p class="i2">But simply there in case your King should need 'em;"</p> + <p class="i8">They would have thought it odd</p> + <p class="i2">To want to be regarded as a god.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thus have I served my land; and if a wave</p> + <p class="i2">Of lurid revolution overswept her,</p> + <p>And I, her loyal and obedient slave,</p> + <p class="i2">Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre,</p> + <p class="i8">That grace I'd freely do,</p> + <p class="i2">And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.</h2> + + <p>The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots + who, without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth + of their store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and + encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:—</p> + +<p class="center">THE BRITISH NAVY.</p> + + <p>We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and + all the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT + invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis + in. When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum + because the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have + got an uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days + sailers had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other + end of the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble + quick. But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite + now but this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the + sailers, as you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they + like them very much.</p> + +<p class="author">JOHN BRIGHT (age 9½).</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">SOLGIERS.</p> + + <p>Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you + arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos + it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well. + It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos + they get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war + solgiers were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly + good. Granpa is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he + is quite nice but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be + a solgier when I grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to + be someone with a sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum.</p> + +<p class="author">DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8).</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">AMERICA.</p> + + <p>America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we + mean the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a + king they used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King + we have now or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a + President who does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts + a short time like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President + there are men called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of + princes and dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't + like them but because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if + they have to fight they can do it all right Father says.</p> + +<p class="author">MARY GREY (age 10).</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">OUR ALLIES.</p> + + <p>It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our + Allies. They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, + Rumania, and America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good + number. To begin with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and + polite people which is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee + and for their fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women + can cook. How beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her + sister country in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light + one. Now let us look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the + Germans thought they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as + the bravery and patrioticness of the French troops came in the way. + Belgium is the next on the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany + is a big one so of course the Germans had the best of it at first but + they won't much longer. So it will be all right soon if we dont eat too + many sweets and things. Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America + and Montynegro, which I forgot before, are all splendid countries but + space forbids more.</p> + +<p class="author">KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12).</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each + for himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being + hushed to the front incessantly."—<i>Star.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of + singing as he goes into battle.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out + would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some + expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the + Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'—which, of course, are the Latin + names of garden insects."—<i>Pearson's Weekly.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Clearly a case of nature mimicry.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" src="images/283.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>SELF-PROTECTION.</h3> + + <p>JOHN BULL. "I'VE INVESTED A MINT OF MONEY IN OTHER LANDS, IT'S TIME + I PUT SOMETHING INTO MY OWN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page284" id="page284"></a>[pg 284]</span> + +<h2>REVIVALS AND REVISIONS.</h2> + + <p>"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph + on SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the + Band of Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way + with <i>Hamlet</i> is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New + authors can be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be + stronger or weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is + henceforward to be revised, and fairly stringently too.</p> + + <p>Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of <i>Hamlet</i> + which interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned + motives and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in + discrimination, SHAKSPEARE did his best to make <i>Hamlet</i> a poetical + as well as a dramatic tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the + mass of rhetoric with which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr. + IRVING's task to prune this well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so + that the real dramatic stuff can at last "get over." But he has done no + more. Any rumour to the effect that he has introduced American songs or + dances, or that a "joy plank" bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue + and deserves the severest denial.</p> + + <p>One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been + interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis—and by great he + means those most likely to become revivalists—says that it is the + same tale with all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home + near the Zoo, in his study furnished with the works of all the greatest + writers, from the Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was + perfectly true that he was contemplating a revival of <i>The Three + Musketeers</i>, with certain alterations to bring it into line with + modern taste in warrior heroes.</p> + + <p>"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear + khaki. Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also + be transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly. + Thus <i>D'Artagnan</i> will become an airman, <i>Aramis</i> a padre with + fighting instincts, <i>Athos</i> a general, and <i>Porthos</i> an officer + in the A.S.C. A certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary, + but that will come."</p> + + <p>In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith + and Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany, + knows, a conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit + the North Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing.</p> + + <p>"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing <i>The Bells</i>. Mr. IRVING + has kindly leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the + plot, nor does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made + so famous by Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to + suit Mr. LESLIE HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of + thinking,"—here the young officer saluted—"no funnier + comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing the title from <i>The + Bells</i> to <i>The Belles</i>, as being more in keeping with Gaiety + traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID BEATTY + wants me."</p> + + <p>But the most interesting case of revision will be that of <i>The + School for Scandal</i>, because, two managements being at work upon it, + each with somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the + same time, with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays. + And this suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that + one old play can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly + conscientious brains through which it passes. The two managers who have + cast longing eyes on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr. + OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of + life for this play if it is taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore + arranged an acting version which will occupy about an hour, with laughs. + By eliminating the word "sentiment" alone, which is tediously harped + upon, several minutes are saved. Some of <i>Sir Peter</i> and <i>Lady + Teazle's</i> repetition of the word "Never" also goes. The satirical + conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of date, and the + whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE also is + re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the play + lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has therefore + kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of scene to + Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this change, + even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force is + gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as <i>Mrs. + Candour</i> (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but + natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play <i>Charles Surface</i>, with the + accent on the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths + and the simple life.</p> + + <p>In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends + the following message:—"Am busy rehearsing <i>He Stoops to Cinema; + or, The Mistakes of a Knight</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/284.png"><img width="100%" src="images/284.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER + LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Food Control.</h4> + + <p>There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day + for our Post-Office employees.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."—<i>Evening News</i> + (<i>Portsmouth</i>).</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Horse-racing in war-time <i>is</i> rather a sorry business.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is + in good running order...."—<i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General + Headquarters.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/285.png"><img width="100%" src="images/285.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="in"><i>Skinner.</i> "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE + RATIONING?"</p> + + <p class="in"><i>Podmore.</i> "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY + BELT."</p> + + <p class="in"><i>Skinner.</i> "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>FROM A FULL HEART.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">In days of peace my fellow-men</p> + <p class="i10">Rightly regarded me as more like</p> + <p class="i8">A Bishop than a Major-Gen.,</p> + <p class="i10">And nothing since has made me warlike;</p> + <p class="i8">But when this age-long struggle ends</p> + <p class="i10">And I have seen the Allies dish up</p> + <p class="i8">The goose of HINDENBURG—oh, friends!</p> + <p class="i10">I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,</i></p> + <p><i>I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;</i></p> + <p><i>When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,</i></p> + <p><i>I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">I never really longed for gore,</p> + <p class="i10">And any taste for red corpuscles</p> + <p class="i8">That lingered with me left before</p> + <p class="i10">The German troops had entered Brussels.</p> + <p class="i8">In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!"</p> + <p class="i10">Froze me; and, as the War grew older,</p> + <p class="i8">The noise of someone else's gun</p> + <p class="i10">Left me considerably colder.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>When the War is over and the battle has been won,</i></p> + <p><i>I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;</i></p> + <p><i>When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,</i></p> + <p><i>I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8">The Captains and the Kings depart—</p> + <p class="i10">It may be so, but not lieutenants;</p> + <p class="i8">Dawn after weary dawn I start</p> + <p class="i10">The never-ending round of penance;</p> + <p class="i8">One rock amid the welter stands</p> + <p class="i10">On which my gaze is fixed intently—</p> + <p class="i8">An after-life in quiet lands</p> + <p class="i10">Lived very lazily and gently.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,</i></p> + <p><i>I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;</i></p> + <p><i>When the War is over and we've finished up the show,</i></p> + <p><i>I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle,</p> + <p class="i4">And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle,</p> + <p class="i4">And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver,</p> + <p class="i4">And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver,</p> + <p class="i4">And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting,</p> + <p class="i4">And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting—</p> + <p class="i4">Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ...</p> + <p class="i8">Say, starting on Saturday week.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">A.A.M.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Things that Matter in War-Time.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Among the audience the Duchess of ——'s slim height and + long neck, swathed in sables, stood out."—<i>Evening + Standard.</i></p> + + <p>"Mrs. —— was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, + collared with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."—<i>Daily + Sketch.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over + the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained + fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog + rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."—<i>Vancouver Daily + Province.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of + machines of the new type.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<p class="center">LX.</p> + + <p>My dear CHARLES,—Those who insist that between the Higher + Commands on either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard + each other's personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views. + Recent movements show that there is no such bargain, or else that the + lawless Hun has broken it. He has attained little else by his + destructiveness save the discomfort of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses + as merrily as ever; more merrily, perhaps, owing to the difficulties to + be overcome. Soldiers love difficulties to overcome. That is their + business in life.</p> + + <p>It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q. + would move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his + front-door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and + confining to their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to + isolate himself from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier + himself, however, he was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming + difficulties. He was seen hovering about, as good as asking for the + instructions he most dreaded. And he got them, short and sharp, as all + good military instructions should be.</p> + + <p>If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to + another, and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be + there, I should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C. + asked for a fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now + the 31st. We should move to the new place about the 7th," said the + Highest Authority. "Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became + permanently and irrevocably fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his + accomplices the thing was as good as done.</p> + + <p>The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the + period of unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department, learning + by instinct what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had long + suspected, its own immediate and paramount importance. Every department + appointed a representative to go round and see the C.C. about it, another + representative to write to him about it, and a third to ring him up on + the telephone, and go on ringing him up on the telephone, about it. The + only departments that kept modestly in the background were those upon + which the execution of the move fell. The C.C., noting the queue of + representatives at his front-door and the agitation of his telephone, + slipped out by the back-door, and went to look for the workers, and, when + he'd found them, he lived with them, night and day, here, there and + everywhere.</p> + + <p>Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed + the C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They said + things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile also the + departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew bitter and + restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil.</p> + + <p>I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of + milk supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of + difficulty a soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new + camp there was no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and + again the thing was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to + think out a cow, so to speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment, + transport, housing, maintenance and education. A man of infinite variety, + the arrival of the cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He could not + even begin to solve the food question. To him it seemed there were only + two alternatives for the beast: bully beef or ration allowance at three + francs a day in lieu of rations. The cow, he was told, was entitled and + likely to refuse both.</p> + + <p>We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like + food," said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more + difficult and complicated matters of establishment we will issue your + orders." These ran: "Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on your + Weekly Strength Return, with a statement of all casualties affecting + same. Casualties include admission to or evacuation from hospital; change + of address; marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom. (2) To be brought + on the proper establishment of H.Q., it should be shown as 'Officer's + Charger, one,' and should be trained and employed by you as such. (3) + Please report action taken, and whether by you or by the Cow."</p> + + <p>Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and hearkening + to the cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old regiment took + occasion to march through the village and, in so doing, added insult to + injury. The regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a goat; the goat fell + out on the march and went sick. It did this in that portion of the C.C.'s + front garden which was not already occupied by the cow, and its orders + from the Colonel, who was its C.O. and had once been the Camp + Commandant's C.O., were to remain with the C.C. and upon his charge till + called for. This is all a very true story, but it's poor rations I'll be + getting from the C.C. during what remains of this War for divulging + it.</p> + + <p>Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly + General to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly important + department or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As there is no + terrible complication which may not occur in the life of such, so there + is no bitter irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon of April + 6th found the C.C. on the site of the now camp, surrounded by confusion + and an angry crowd of experts. There had been words and more words; there + had only just not been blows, and all with regard to this wretched and + incessant subject of April 7th. The C.C., never broad-minded on the + point, had become positively ridiculous and tiresome about that + irrevocable date, April 7th. It was a dull subject in any case, said the + experts, but in the circumstances it was inane and cruel to go on + insisting on it. R.E., Lorries, Signals and all their suites, not having + been on too friendly terms among themselves these latter days, were fast + becoming united in their intense loathing of the C.C. and his everlasting + and impossible April 7th.</p> + + <p>At this moment the Highest Authority itself arrived on the scene to + have a look at it. He was not in the least discontented with what he saw; + he was inclined to congratulate the experts upon their expedition.</p> + + <p>"We shall be hard put to it, Sir," said the C.C., "to be ready for + to-morrow."</p> + + <p>"To-morrow?" said the Highest Authority. "Why to-morrow + particularly?"</p> + + <p>"To-morrow is the 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with sinister + emphasis.</p> + + <p>"And what about it if it is?" asked the Highest Authority.</p> + + <p>"We have to move in here on April 7th, Sir," said the C.C., with + almost an injured note in his voice.</p> + + <p>"Have you?" said the Highest Authority. "Why?"</p> + + <p>The experts saluted and moved off, commenting quietly among themselves + upon the good sense and magnanimity of the Highest Authority. As for that + Camp Commandant—</p> + +<p class="center">Yours ever,</p> +<p class="author">HENRY.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Food before Clothes.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Exchange Fawn Costume, slight figure, good condition, for two broody + hens."—<i>The Smallholder.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span> +<h2>THE HEROINE OF THE NEW NOVEL.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/287b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287b.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>AT LAST HE HAD HIS CHANCE. "HOW MUCH IS IT TO THE MARBLE ARCH?" HE + ASKED.</p> + + <p>"TUPPENCE," SHE REPLIED SOFTLY; AND THE SIMPLE WORD RANG THROUGH + EVERY FIBRE OF HIS BODY.</p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/287a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287a.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"BUT I CANNOT LINGER THUS WITH YOU, SIR REGINALD," SAID THE RUSTIC + BEAUTY; "I HAVE TO CLEAN THE PIG-STY." SHE PAUSED, AND THEN ALMOST + INAUDIBLY, "YOU MAY HELP ME, IF YOU LIKE."</p> + + <p>SIR REGINALD VAVASOUR'S HEART LEAPT WITHIN HIM.</p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + + <div class="figright" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/287d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287d.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"OH, I'M SO FEARFULLY SORRY!" SAID A SWEET YOUNG VOICE IN DISTRESSED + ACCENTS. AND THEN HE BECAME AWARE OF A DAINTY LITTLE FOOT AND ANKLE + COYLY PROTRUDING FROM A BLUE TROUSER ALMOST AT A LEVEL WITH HIS + EYE.</p> + </div> + <div class="figleft" style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/287c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/287c.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>DUSK WAS DESCENDING. HIS BACK TYRE WAS PUNCTURED, AND HE WAS + ALONE—LOST IN THE WILD MOORLAND. SUDDENLY A CHEERY YOUNG VOICE + SMOTE UPON HIS EAR: "WHAT'S UP, OLD CHAP? CAN I BE ANY USE?"</p> + </div> +<br clear="all" /> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> + +<h2>In Memoriam.</h2> + +<h2>FRANCIS COWLEY BURNAND,</h2> + +<p class="center">1836—1917.</p> + +<p class="center">EDITOR OF "PUNCH," 1880—1906.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hail and Farewell, dear Brother of the Pen,</p> + <p>Maker of sunshine for the minds of men,</p> + <p>Lord of bright cheer and master of our hearts—</p> + <p>What plaint is fit when such a friend departs?</p> + <p>Not with mere ceremonial words of woe</p> + <p>Come we to mourn—you would not have it so;</p> + <p>But with our memories stored with joyous fun,</p> + <p>Your constant largesse till your life was done,</p> + <p>With quips, that flashed through frequent twists and bends,</p> + <p>Caught from the common intercourse of friends;</p> + <p>And gay allusions gayer for the zest</p> + <p>Of one who hurt no friend and spared no jest.</p> + <p>What arts were yours that taught you to indite</p> + <p>What all men thought, but only you could write!</p> + <p>That wrung from gloom itself a fleeting smile;</p> + <p>Rippled with laughter but refrained from guile;</p> + <p>Led you to prick some bladder of conceit</p> + <p>Or trip intrusive folly's blundering feet,</p> + <p>While wisdom at your call came down to earth,</p> + <p>Unbent awhile and gave a hand to mirth!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You too had pondered mid your jesting strife</p> + <p>The deeper issues of our mortal life;</p> + <p>Guided to God by faith no doubt could dim</p> + <p>You fought your fight and left the rest to Him,</p> + <p>Content to set your heart on things above</p> + <p>And rule your days by laughter and by love.</p> + <p>Rest in our memories! You are guarded there</p> + <p>By those who knew you as you lived and were.</p> + <p>There mid our Happy Thoughts you take your stand,</p> + <p>A sun-girt shade, and light that shadow-land.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i16">R.C.L.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/288.png"><img width="100%" src="images/288.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Captain</i> (<i>newly attached</i>). "ER—IS THERE ANYTHING + YOU'D LIKE ME TO GET ON TO, SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Major</i> (<i>regimental economist</i>). "AH, YES! I WISH YOU'D + JUST LOOK AFTER THE BONES AND DRIPPING."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3> + +<p class="center">VIII.</p> + +<p class="center">SOUR GRAPES.</p> + + <p>"I have no doubt," said the fox, after a last futile attempt to reach + them, "that the grapes are sour;" and he went off slowly down the + hill.</p> + + <p>At the bottom of the hill a barrel was lying, and the philosopher was + filled with new hope. "The very thing," he said to himself.</p> + + <p>He put his shoulder to the barrel and pushed and panted and panted and + pushed till he got it nearly to the top. But it broke away at the last + moment and rolled down the hill.</p> + + <p>He rolled it up again and again perseveringly. He tried as often as + Sisyphus. He tried indeed just once more, because at last he succeeded + and the barrel was placed on end under the vine.</p> + + <p>Joyfully he climbed on the barrel and bit at the fruit.</p> + + <p>Then he jumped down with a bark of disgust.</p> + + <p>The grapes <i>were</i> sour.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Mutiny aboard a German U-boat, aided by the demolarizing effects of a + submarine bomb, made the diver a prize of the British Admiralty and her + crew the willing prisoners of a patrol boat."—<i>Ottawa Evening + Journal.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>This kind of bomb—the demolariser—is just what we want to + draw the enemy's teeth.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" src="images/289.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE END OF THE THOUSAND-AND-ONE NIGHTS.</h3> + + <p>THE OFFICIAL STORY-TELLER (<i>to Wilhelm-al-Raschid</i>). "I CAN'T + THINK OF ANY FRESH FAIRY TALES. WOULD YOU LIKE A TRUE ONE NOW?"</p> + + <p class="center">[April 30th was the thousand-and-first day of the + War.]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, April 23rd.</i>—Any intelligent foreigner who + obtained admission to the Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in the + expectation that on the feast-day of our national saint and the birthday + of our national poet he would be privileged to listen to a series of + eloquent speeches upon patriotism, delivered by our most accomplished + orators, must have been deeply disappointed. The one subject that the + House of Commons seems to care about is food.</p> + + <p>The CONTROLLER has hit one section of the House in its tenderest + portion. Those Members who make their mid-day meal off tea and + bread-and-butter think it very hard that they should be allowed no more + bread than others who take the full luncheon. On their behalf Mr. LONDON, + like <i>The Carpenter</i>, said, "Give us another slice." But, despite a + slight facial resemblance to <i>The Walrus</i>, Colonel LOCKWOOD was + inexorable.</p> + + <p>The late Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY was once described by his ex-leader as "a + nice old gentleman for a quiet tea-party." If anyone had said that a + Sunday-School treat would furnish the appropriate <i>milieu</i> for that + ardent Pacifist, Mr. JOWETT, I should, until this afternoon, have been + inclined to agree with him. But it is evident that his acquaintance with + Sunday-School treats is purely academic, for in requesting the FOOD + CONTROLLER to remove the ban lately placed upon them he spoke of the + treat as a "simple meal, consisting of <i>a</i> bun and tea only." The + italic is our own comment on this estimate of the capacity of our brave + tea-fighters.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, April 24th.</i>—Those Members to whom their + constituents have given notice to quit at the next election, and who have + recently been somewhat depressed by the thought of the impending loss to + the nation of their valuable services, are plucking up heart again now + that the life of Parliament is to be once more extended. Mr. KING, for + example, was in his best form this afternoon. It goes without saying that + his advice to the Board of Agriculture to set a good example to the + country by sending their racehorses out to grass was well received, for + any reference to the Government stud is equivalent to the "Pass the + mustard" of the established humourist. His real success came when Mr. + BONAR LAW denied that Sir GEORGE MCCRAE had been appointed Chief Whip to + the Government. Mr. KING drawled out, "As <i>The Times</i> has stated + that this gentleman was so appointed will its foreign circulation be + stopped?" Then the laughter came spontaneous and loud.</p> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/290a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/290a.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Hodge.</i> "I'M TO BE QUEEN OF THE MAY."</p> + </div> + <p>Another little joke which tickled the House was, I suspect, the + outcome of a conspiracy. At least I cannot understand why Mr. OUTHWAITE + should have been so anxious to know the amount of ginger imported into + this country last year, unless it was to afford Mr. MACVEAGH an + opportunity of asking, when the amount, some three thousand tons, had + been announced, "How is it that the new Government has got none of + it?"</p> + + <p>There is a growing tendency on the part of Ministers, when charged + with the conduct of a Bill, to speak of it as "a poor thing not mine + own." They imagine, I suppose, that an air of deprecation, not to say + depreciation, is likely to commend the measure to an audience in which + party-spirit is supposed to be defunct.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/290b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/290b.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>VISCOUNT CHAPLIN MAKING NOTES ON THE MILLENNIUM FROM THE PEERS' + GALLERY.</p> + </div> + <p>At first it seemed as if Mr. PROTHERO, in moving the second reading of + the Corn Production Bill, was going to adopt the modern attitude of + <i>insouciance</i>, for he spoke of it as "bristling with controversial + points" (as if it were intended to promote the growth of quite another + kind of corn), and observed that he himself had originally been opposed + to State interference with agriculture. But he soon warmed to his work, + and spoke with all the zeal of the convert. Among his most appreciative + listeners were the occupants of the Peers' Gallery—the Duke of + MARLBOROUGH, who has transformed the sword of Blenheim into a + ploughshare, and Viscount CHAPLIN, to whom the announcement of State + bounties for wheat-growing seems like the arrival of the Millennium.</p> + + <p>Another ex-Minister of Agriculture was, to put it mildly, less + enthusiastic. I should be doing Mr. RUNCIMAN little injustice to say that + for the moment the politician in him rose superior to the patriot. If + after the War the old party-quarrels are to break out again with all + their fatal futility I can imagine that Liberal wire-pullers in the rural + districts will be much embarrassed by the existence of bounties which + economically they cannot approve but which politically they dare not + remove. But surely we shall have learned our lesson badly if the old + strife of Tory and Liberal is to be revived in all its former virulence + and sterility. Besides there is the Labour Party to be considered, as Mr. + GEORGE ROBERTS reminded the House in the best speech he has made since he + went <span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" id="page291"></a>[pg + 291]</span> on the Treasury Bench. He pointed out that if high wages and + good conditions were to be secured for agricultural workers the + prosperity of the agricultural industry as a whole must be ensured; and + he hoped that the policy of State-aid would not stop there. No wonder the + hard-shell Free Traders looked glum.</p> + + <p>Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must be careful or he will jeopardize his reputation + as a humourist. Mr. PARTINGTON having asked whether the Government would + put down their racehorses, the gallant Admiral could think of no better + jest than that the proposal was as futile as that of the hon. Member's + namesake, who endeavoured to keep out the Atlantic with a mop. Shortly + afterwards Mr. YEO asked whether the Government would consider the + destruction of cats, with a view, perhaps, to the suppression of + MEUX.</p> + + <p>The Corn Production Bill had to run the gauntlet of a good many + criticisms during the second day's debate. The unkindest cut of all was + delivered by the SPEAKER. Mr. MOLTENO had asked whether Members who were + landowners or farmers might vote on a measure affecting their financial + interests, and Mr. LOWTHER replied that the benefits were "so + problematical and so uncertain" that he thought they might. Mr. MOLTENO + used his freedom to vote against the Second Reading; but only a handful + of Members followed his example. Mr. RUNCIMAN and his friends decided + that abstention was the better part of valour.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, April 26th.</i>—Major BAIRD made a modest and + candid defence of the Air Board against its many critics. He did not + pretend that they were yet satisfied—in the case of so new a + service there could be no finality—but he claimed that the + departments had worked much more harmoniously since they were all housed + under the hospitable roof of the Hotel Cecil, a statement which Lord HUGH + of that ilk subsequently endorsed. Major BAIRD, despite the general + mildness of his voice and demeanour, can deliver a good hard knock on + occasion. He warned the House against indulging in a certain class of + criticism, on the ground that there was no surer way of killing an airman + than to destroy his confidence in the machine he was flying; and he + asserted that the "mastery of the air" was a meaningless phrase + impossible of realization. I think Mr. PEMBERTON-HICKS and Mr. + JOYNSON-BILLING took the rebuke to heart, for they were much less + aggressive than usual.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" src="images/291.png" + alt="" /></a> + "BE A GOOD BOY AND STOP YOUR 'OLLERIN, AND I'LL LET YER SEE THE OLD + GENT FALL ORF THE BUS." + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>SICK.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dear MR. PUNCH,—Excuse this tosh,</p> + <p>But I've succumbed to measles (Bosch),</p> + <p>And all my dreary hours are spent</p> + <p>Inside a vast and gloomy tent.</p> + <p>So, as I'm feeling rather blue,</p> + <p>I thought I'd better write to you.</p> + <p>All known diseases here you'll find</p> + <p>(This letter's steamed, you needn't mind);</p> + <p>But in my tent there's only one,</p> + <p>I'm glad to say, viz., measles (Hun).</p> + <p>The Nurses all are Scotch and stout,</p> + <p>So are the drinks I do without;</p> + <p>I don't complain of lack of fruit—</p> + <p>At least we don't get arrowroot—</p> + <p>Nor have I even ever seen a</p> + <p>Single plate of semolina.</p> + <p>So life is not so bad, you see,</p> + <p>Except for chlorine in the tea.</p> + <p>I think that's all, so now will end,</p> + <p>Hoping this finds you, dearest friend,</p> + <p>Just as it leaves me, in the pink</p> + <p>(My rash is not quite gone, I think).</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Now those precious divisions have to be hurled into the furnace to + avert a veritable landslide."—<i>Sunday Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The shortage of men in the German Army has evidently been exaggerated. + This confirms the evidence from other sources that they have troops to + burn.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"HAMLET."</p> + + <p>To prepare a very own version of <i>Hamlet</i> and play it with + credit—that is still the blue riband of the Stage. Mr. H.B. IRVING + has fairly won it. The version seemed to me apt. He tells us that his + main purpose was to bring out the story as if for those who had never + seen the play before. It is a rational point of view, and certainly it + seemed a distinct improvement not to lose sight of <i>Hamlet's</i> + adventure to England, as is commonly the case, and to keep the essential + sequence of events and the personality of the Prince constantly before + the audience. The justification of the heroic cuts and adaptations was + that the action did move faster towards the tragic end, instead of + seeming to drag rather tiresomely as (be it confessed) it sometimes + does.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/292.png"><img width="100%" src="images/292.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p class="center">"OUR SON IS FAT AND SCANT OF BREATH."</p> + + <p class="center">(We shouldn't have guessed it, but his own mother + ought to know.)</p> + + <p class="center"><i>Hamlet</i> . . . . . . . MR. H.B. IRVING.</p> + </div> + <p>Observers contrasting this with Mr. IRVING'S earlier performance + remarked a gain in depth and fire and a happier restraint of mannerism. + It was a very notable and gracious piece of work. He has the player's + first gift, an arresting personality. His elocution has distinction. He + conveys the beauty of the words and the richness of the packed thought + thoughtfully. The complex play of action and motive—the purpose + blunted by overmuch thinking, the spurs to dull revenge, the + self-contempt, the assumed antic disposition, at times the real mental + disturbance—all this was set before us with a fine skill and + resource. The "To be or not to be" soliloquy was masterly in its + sincerity and restraint; the two broken love passages with <i>Ophelia</i> + showed a fine tenderness through the distraught, bitter mood. An + ingenious turn was given to that difficult change of weapons in the + fencing bout, though I doubt if the Sword Club would wholly have approved + the technique of the fencing.</p> + + <p>Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT'S <i>Ophelia</i> in the Mad Scene was full of + beauty, sweetness and dignity—and we have so often been bored by + our lesser <i>Ophelias</i>. A very fine performance. Mr. HOLMAN CLARK was + the foolish prating knave, a <i>Polonius</i> robbed of his best speech, + and the more consistent therefore. Mr. IRVING is obviously right in his + view that <i>Polonius</i> could never by any chance have given any such + advice to his truculent son.</p> + + <p>One may congratulate the producer on the courage of his convictions. + But I wonder if the Shakspearean tradition is really dying. The general + quality of the performance was, it must be confessed, not inspiring. + There was little of the king's divinity hedging <i>Claudius</i>; the + <i>Queen</i> (an always difficult part) was elaborately unconvincing, + though played by a clever actress; <i>Guildenstern</i> and awkward + <i>Rosencrantz</i> deserved any fate which awaited them in England. + Neither <i>Laertes</i> nor <i>Horatio</i> seemed authentic. But Mr. TOM + REYNOLDS' grave-digger had humour and avoided tedium. <i>Hamlet</i> was + the thing.</p> + +<p class="author">T.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A Berlin official telegram states that the Kaiser has sent the + following telegram to the Crown Prince:—'The troops of all the + German tribes under your command, with steel-hard determination and + strongly led, have brought to failure the great French attempt to break + through on the Aisne and in Champagne. Also there, again, the infantry + had to bear the grunt.'"—<i>Northern Whig.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The Imperial euphemism, we suppose, for the cry of "Kamerad!"</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The New Rations.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Joint Hospital Board, ——, 14th April, 1917. The above + Board require two Probationer Nurses for their + Consumption."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A correspondent having observed in a morning paper the headline, + "Pomeranians Surrender!" sends us a suggested contents-bill for <i>The + Barking Gazette</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GREAT CAPTURE OF POMS!</p> + <p>PEKINESE BREAK OFF RELATIONS.</p> + <p>GREAT DANES NEUTRAL.</p> + <p>RAID BY TERRITORIAL FLYING CORPS</p> + <p class="i2">(SKY TERRIERS).</p> + <p>ROUT OF DALMATIANS.</p> + <p>FIELD-GREYHOUNDS DRIVEN OFF.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE ADJUTANT ON LEAVE.</h2> + + <p>"Leave, I'm afraid," remarked the Adjutant, standing with his back to + the fire and hitching his bath towel more securely over his left + shoulder, "can only be granted now in special circumstances."</p> + + <p>Flying being prevented for that afternoon by the weather conditions, + we had been playing hockey, and the Adjutant, who by virtue of seniority + had just had first go at the bathroom, was in a warm and expansive mood. + The rest of us sat about in his quarters awaiting our turns at a + hot-water supply that would certainly cease to have anything warming or + expansive about it by the time it reached the junior Second + Lieutenant.</p> + + <p>"The question is," said that dejected officer, fixing the Adjutant + with a watchful eye—"the question is, what are you going to regard + as special circumstances?"</p> + + <p>"You state your circumstances to me officially to-morrow," said the + Adjutant cheerfully, "and I'll tell you quickly enough whether they're + special or not,"</p> + + <p>"I suppose," suggested the Stunt Pilot, "that a wedding would be a + pretty special sort of circumstance, wouldn't it?"</p> + + <p>"That depends," replied the Adjutant. "Are you thinking of getting + married yourself?"</p> + + <p>The Stunt Pilot said that he hadn't been, but if there was any leave + going with it he might think of it.</p> + + <p>"One's simply got to get leave <i>somehow</i>," he complained. "What + about a breach of promise case? Suppose I manage to get mixed up in a + breach of promise case, wouldn't that do?"</p> + + <p>"That's no good," commented the Junior Officer gloomily. "You'd have + to get leave for something else first before you could manage it."</p> + + <p>"And if you did," added the Adjutant severely, "you'd get leave for + rather longer than you bargained for."</p> + + <p>"How about funerals?" put in the Equipment Officer hopefully. + "Funerals are a fairly sound stunt, aren't they?"</p> + + <p>"Funerals," observed the Adjutant, "are played out. If you come to me + to-morrow and talk about dead uncles and things I shall have all sorts of + inquiries made that will surprise you. I've been had before by funerals. + When I was in the Army"—the Adjutant talks like this since he was + attached to the Flying Corps—"when <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page293" id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> I was in the Army there + was a fellow who used to come to the orderly-room and talk funerals to me + until I was sick of the sight of him. After some months of it I made him + give me a written list of all his surviving relations, and then as he + killed them off I used to scratch them out. I caught him at last on his + third grandmother."</p> + + <p>"That's all very nice," said the Stunt Pilot, "but the question at + present before the meeting is how are we poor beggars to get any + leave?"</p> + + <p>"It's no good blaming me," returned the Adjutant blandly. "Command + Orders are Command Orders."</p> + + <p>There was a brief silence, and then the Stunt Pilot lifted up his + voice and spoke eloquently about the War Office and Brass Hats generally. + He said that they had hearts of granite and were strangers to all + loving-kindness. Their days were spent in idleness in the Metropolis (so + said the Stunt Pilot), while he and his fellows drove rotten 'buses for + hours together over the beastliest district in Europe. Of an evening the + Carlton and the Piccadilly, the Bing Boys and the Bing Girls, all the + delights of London were ready to their hands, while poor devils like + himself, shorn of leave, were condemned to languish in a moth-eaten Mess + in the society of such people as the Adjutant. Where was the sense in it, + where the justice, and when the deuce were they, any of them, going to + get a chance at the bath-room?</p> + + <p>The Adjutant regarded him with amused pity.</p> + + <p>"The fact of it is," he observed, "you people have been absolutely + spoilt over leave. When I was in the Infantry we used to consider three + or four days in six months quite handsome."</p> + + <p>The Stunt Pilot inquired sarcastically whether he meant three or four + days' work or three or four days' leave.</p> + + <p>"I don't mind saying," pursued the Adjutant, ignoring this sally, "at + the risk of making myself unpopular, that personally I think it's a very + good thing that leave <i>has</i> been cut down. My own opinion is that in + the past there's been a lot too much leave flying about. Running up and + down to London on leave isn't going to help beat the Germans. What we've + got to do if we want to win this War is to—"</p> + + <p>At this moment the C.O. entered and put down a hockey-stick in the + corner.</p> + + <p>"Thanks for the stick, Jervis," he said, and turned to go. "By the + way, shall I see you at the orderly-room tomorrow before you go? What + train are you catching?"</p> + + <p>The Adjutant hesitated for the fraction of a second.</p> + + <p>"Well, Sir," he said, "I thought of taking the 9.5."</p> + + <p>"I see," said the C.O. "Right-o. You won't be away longer than + forty-eight hours, I suppose?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, no," said the Adjutant. "That'll do well, Sir."</p> + + <p>A brief astonished silence followed the C.O.'s departure, a silence + broken by the excited tones of the Stunt Pilot.</p> + + <p>"The 9.5?" he cried. "Are you going to <i>London</i>?"</p> + + <p>The Adjutant lit a cigarette with some deliberation.</p> + + <p>"Only just for forty-eight hours," he remarked.</p> + + <p>"Forty-eight hours!" gasped the indignant Pilot; then, raising his + voice to surmount the din, "Forty-eight hours' leave in London, and + you've just been pouring out hot air about—"</p> + + <p>"<i>Leave?</i>" interrupted the Adjutant, in pained surprise. "What + d'you mean by leave? I'm going on <i>duty</i>."</p> + + <p>A chorus of derisive laughter greeted <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page294" id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> the announcement. "Duty?" + echoed the Stunt Pilot bitterly. "<i>What</i> duty?"</p> + + <p>The Adjutant took another furl in his bath-towel.</p> + + <p>"If you really must know," he said composedly, "I'm going to buy a + vacuum-cleaner for the Mess."</p> + + <p>"You infernal old wangler!" cried the outraged Pilot, when at last he + was able to make himself heard. "Of course it takes forty-eight hours to + buy a vacuum-cleaner, doesn't it?"</p> + + <p>"As a matter of fact," said the Adjutant solemnly, "my whole + experience of vacuum-cleaners leads me to the conviction that you have to + look at a great many of them before you can pick a really good one." He + glanced round for his clothes. "And now if you fellows will get on with + your baths, I've got an air mechanic coming in a minute or two to cut my + hair. I expect I shall be far too busy in town for the next two days to + have any time to waste on barbers."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/293.png"><img width="100%" src="images/293.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Farmer</i> (<i>to "land-lady"</i>). "HI, MISSIE, WHAT BE YE DOIN' + WI TRACE-HORSE BEHIND, AND A LOAD LIKE THAT?"</p> + + <p>"<i>Land-lady.</i>" "OH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN HE WAS IN FRONT HE WAS + ALWAYS TURNING ROUND WRONG WAY ON, SO I JUST PUT HIM BEHIND TO HELP UP + HILLS, LIKE THE RAILWAY ENGINES."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>GENERAL POST.</h2> + + <p>Everything was just as usual. I caught my tram at the corner of the + street. It was the six o'clock car—I noticed the usual evening + crowd, and they were all as bored and cross and frigid as usual.</p> + + <p>The old gentleman of the whiskers was, as usual, reading his evening + paper. He looked personally affronted as I sat down beside him. The + elderly relative—as I call her—was opposite to me. She had + her small attaché-case and her knitting as usual, and she made me feel at + a glance that my face bored her intolerably. For the rest, I saw the fat + paterfamilias, the wish-I-had-a-motor lady, the pert flapper and all the + crew who travel with dejected spirits to and fro on our suburban + line.</p> + + <p>So far all was in order. Then the conductress came round.</p> + + <p>"Tuppenny," I murmured. "Albemarle Road."</p> + + <p>"What's your town?" she asked, taking a pencil from behind her + ear.</p> + + <p>"Town? It's Albemarle Road I want."</p> + + <p>"But what town do you choose for Post?" she asked. "You've all got to + have a town, you know. Don't make it too long. Hurry up! I've got to + write you all down, and it's time to begin."</p> + + <p>"Pontresina," I gasped wildly. That seemed to be the only town I had + ever heard of.</p> + + <p>"And you, Sir?" she was asking the old gentleman.</p> + + <p>"Macclesfield," he said very decidedly.</p> + + <p>The elderly relative was fidgeting to say hers. I could have guessed + it would be St. Ives.</p> + + <p>The conductress made her way from one end to the other.</p> + + <p>"All got towns?" she asked. "You, Sir? Pernambuco? I do wish you'd + stick to English names. Are you all ready?"</p> + + <p>She rang the bell.</p> + + <p>"Now," she said, "the gentleman on the stool has to catch. The Post is + going from Paris to Pontresina."</p> + + <p>I rose and looked wildly down the car. The flapper was beckoning + slightly. Her contemptuous boredom had vanished, and she looked a merry + child again. I rushed, stumbled, rocked into her place; she sank with a + gasp into mine.</p> + + <p>"York to St. Ives!"</p> + + <p>It was the paterfamilias who was up now, and the elderly relative was + signing to him. In a breathless scurry she was in his place gasping + beside me. For the first time in her life she spoke to me.</p> + + <p>"What an escape!" she said. "There, <i>he'</i>s caught—York, I + mean. I don't know his proper name. It's odd, isn't it, we know each + other's faces so well and yet we don't know each other's names. Now that + we have towns for names, it will be far more friendly, won't it? I always + called you Cicero to myself. Oh, I hardly know why—you looked a + little satirical sometimes. But now you're Pontresina, of course."</p> + + <p>"Macclesfield to Pernambuco!"</p> + + <p>"There!" laughed my companion. "I knew Macclesfield would be + caught—he's so stately, isn't he? But look how he's laughing. Do + you know I never thought any of the people in this car <i>could</i> + laugh, or even smile. I do think this Society for the Abolition of + Boredom in Public Conveyances is an excellent thing, don't you?"</p> + + <p>"Pontresina to St. Ives!"</p> + + <p>Breathlessly we changed places; her black hat was a little crooked, + but she only laughed.</p> + + <p>"I've lost my knitting, too," she said, "but I don't mind. This + exercise keeps one so warm these cold days."</p> + + <p>The game was in wild progress; the car rocked and jolted and the + conductress shouted the names.</p> + + <p>"General Post!" she called. "Those inside change places with those + outside."</p> + + <p>That was the most breathlessly exciting moment of the whole game. + There was a solid struggling mass of humanity on the tram staircase. + Those without were pushing frantically to come down; we were shoving to + get up.</p> + + <p>The lady called St. Ives was thumping my shoulders.</p> + + <p>"Climb up the railing," she said.</p> + + <p>Somehow I did it, and leaned down to catch her hands and drag her + upwards. We launched ourselves breathlessly on to the furthest seat.</p> + + <p>Stout old Macclesfield was the next. He had lost his hat and his white + hair was ruffled.</p> + + <p>"I'm here," he said. "Macclesfield for ever!"</p> + + <p>The flapper had scrambled up the front staircase against the rules. + She cast herself down beside Macclesfield.</p> + + <p>"Here I am, old dear," she exclaimed. "I left York simply + <i>jammed</i> in the wedge. Oh, isn't it fun? I never laughed so much. We + never <i>can</i> be serious with each other after this, can we?"</p> + + <p>St. Ives nodded.</p> + + <p>"I'll never forget Pontresina climbing the rail," she said. "I used to + think him so haughty; now—"</p> + + <p>"Albemarle Road—don't you want Albemarle Road?" the conductress + was asking me. She spoke very loudly.</p> + + <p>"Pontresina—I'm Pontresina," I answered.</p> + + <p>"This is Albemarle Road. If you're going on it'll be another penny," + she insisted.</p> + + <p>I rose in bewilderment.</p> + + <p>St. Ives was looking at me while she knitted. I raised my hat to her + and smiled. We had been such good friends all the evening—how could + I ever forget it? But she did not smile; she only stared. She seemed to + think I was mad. Macclesfield was reading his <i>Star</i> just as if he + had never hurled himself on to the top of the 'bus. The flapper <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page295" id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> was + squinting at herself in a little pocket-mirror; she looked contemptuously + at me as I passed. Old York was half asleep. One would think they had + never been rushing about in that frantic General Post. And we were all + inside the car again.</p> + + <p>It <i>was</i> odd!</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" src="images/294.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"THE BLOKE WOT PAINTED THAT KNEW 'OW TO DO A BIT O' FOOD 'OARDING, + DIDN'T 'E?"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>'TWAS FIFTY YEARS AGO.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Lines suggested by an old Magazine.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Published the year I went to school—</p> + <p class="i2">The second of life's seven ages—</p> + <p>How fragrant of Victorian rule</p> + <p class="i2">Are these forgotten pages!</p> + <p>When meat and fruit were still uncanned;</p> + <p class="i2">When good CHARLES DICKENS still was writing;</p> + <p>And SWINBURNE'S poetry was banned</p> + <p class="i2">As rather too exciting.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No murmurs of impending strife</p> + <p class="i2">Were heard, no dark suggestions hinted;</p> + <p>Our novelists still looked on life</p> + <p class="i2">Through spectacles rose-tinted;</p> + <p>And Paris, in those giddy years,</p> + <p class="i2">Still laughed at OFFENBACH and SCHNEIDER,</p> + <p>Blind to the doom of blood and tears,</p> + <p class="i2">With none to warn or guide her.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The index and the authors' names,</p> + <p class="i2">Their stories and their lucubrations,</p> + <p>Recall old literary aims</p> + <p class="i2">And faded reputations;</p> + <p>We wonder at the influence</p> + <p class="i2">That SALA'S florid periods had on</p> + <p>His fellows, and the vogue immense</p> + <p class="i2">Of versatile Miss BRADDON.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet I read <i>Aurora Floyd</i></p> + <p class="i2">In youth with rapture quite unholy—</p> + <p>Not in the way that I enjoyed</p> + <p class="i2">Mince-pies or roly-poly;</p> + <p>While "G.A.S." appeared to me</p> + <p class="i2">Like a Leonid fresh from starland,</p> + <p>Not the young lion that we see</p> + <p class="i2">Portrayed in <i>Friendship's Garland</i>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there are tinklings of the lute</p> + <p class="i2">In orthodox decorous fashion,</p> + <p>But altogether destitute</p> + <p class="i2">Of "elemental" passion;</p> + <p>And illustrations which refrain</p> + <p class="i2">From all that verges on the shady,</p> + <p>But glorify the whiskered swain,</p> + <p class="i2">The lachrymose young lady.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sirens of the "sixties" showed</p> + <p class="i2">No inkling of our modern Circes,</p> + <p>And swells had not evolved the code</p> + <p class="i2">That guides our precious Percys;</p> + <p>Woman, in short, was grave or gay,</p> + <p class="i2">But not a problem or a riddle,</p> + <p>And maidens still were taught to play</p> + <p class="i2">The harp and not the fiddle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And writers in the main eschewed</p> + <p class="i2">All topics tending to disquiet,</p> + <p>All efforts to reorganize</p> + <p class="i2">Our dogmas or our diet;</p> + <p>You could not carp at MENDELSSOHN</p> + <p class="i2">Without creating quite a scandal,</p> + <p>And rag-time on the gramophone</p> + <p class="i2">Had not supplanted HANDEL.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blameless and wholesome in their way,</p> + <p class="i2">At times agreeably subacid,</p> + <p>I love these records of a day</p> + <p class="i2">Long dead, but calm and placid;</p> + <p>And with a sigh I now replace</p> + <p class="i2">This ancient volume of <i>Belgravia</i></p> + <p>And turn the "latest news" to face</p> + <p class="i2"><i>Mutans amaris suavia</i>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="100%" src="images/295.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Rector's Daughter.</i> "HOW SPLENDID OF JOE JARVIS'S SON TO + VOLUNTEER FOR THAT VERY DANGEROUS JOB! I'M SO GLAD HE GOT THE MILITARY + MEDAL."</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Mullins</i> (<i>not to be outdone</i>). "YES, MISS. AND + <i>MY</i> BOY COULD HAVE GOT IT TOO IF HE'D CARED TO HAVE TAKEN THE + RISK."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>A Slump in Marionettes.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"For the first time for centuries the Old Bailey Sessions were opened + on Tuesday without the customary ceremonies connected with the summoning + of a Grand Judy."—<i>Lincolnshire Echo.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Too proud to fight" has now become "Proud to fight too."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"'It was between half-past seven and eight,' said a fireman, 'and as I + was off duty I came out on deck for a blow. The force of the explosion + threw me along the deck for some yards.'"—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>"This is indeed a blow," said the gallant stoker—we <i>don't</i> + think.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page296" id="page296"></a>[pg 296]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/296.png"><img width="100%" src="images/296.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p>"HENRY, I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE TO THE URBAN COUNCIL AND TELL THEM TO + SEND A DUSTMAN WHO TURNS HIS TOES <i>IN</i>. OUR ROCK BORDER'S BEING + COMPLETELY RUINED!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>I have the feeling that when Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING called his new volume + <i>A Diversity of Creatures</i> (MACMILLAN) he was rather taking the word + out of my mouth, or the sword out of my hand, or whatever one does for + the confusion and discomforting of critics. Because it is just the + extreme diversity of the tales herein which, while providing (as they + say) something for all tastes, makes it very hard to appraise the book as + a whole. In form it follows the KIPLING convention, endeared to us by so + much pleasure, of sandwiching prose and verse, the poems echoing the idea + of the tale that has preceded them, and themselves likely to prove for + many the most attractive pages of the book. As for the stories, here we + get diversity indeed; and not of theme alone. It is, of course, almost + impossible for anything signed by Mr. KIPLING to be wholly commonplace, + but I am bound to admit that there is at least one of the collection + (which, pardon me, I do not mean to name) that makes a notable effort in + that direction. Also there are two of which one can honestly say that no + other pen could have written them with anything like such finished + art—<i>The Village that Voted the Earth was Flat</i>, which one + might call a fantasia upon Publicity, and (to my mind the best thing in + the volume) <i>My Son's Wife</i>, an exquisitely humorous and cunning + study in the Influence of Landed Estate upon a Modern. If this definition + strikes you as obscure, read the story and you will understand. For the + rest, as I said above, all tastes are catered for; so that the rival + schools who admire Mr. KIPLING most as the creator of <i>Plain Tales</i>, + or <i>Stalky</i> or <i>Puck</i>, will each receive encouragement and + support; while, if there be those who prefer the pot-boiler + undisguisable, they too will not find themselves altogether + neglected.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>I do wish our publishers would grasp the great truth that praise of + their own wares needs (to say the least of it) most careful handling. + What they, or some anonymous admirer, say on the cover of <i>The Worn + Doorstep</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is that they should like to shout its + merits from the housetop. Possibly; but let me protest that it is for me, + and not for them, to do the shouting, if any; which said, I will proceed + to admit that the book is one of considerable charm. It is told in the + form of letters (never to be posted, since they are from a young wife to + her soldier-husband, presumed to have been killed before the opening of + the book). Miss MARGARET SHERWOOD thus reverts to a convention more + popular some few years ago than with our present-day romanticists. The + matter of her tale shows how the young wife in question found consolation + in befriending others, especially in the love affairs of a Belgian + refugee couple, to whom she opens her home and heart. A very pretty idea, + developed with many dainty and amiable touches. Perhaps (I set down no + dogmatic verdict on the point) the cynical or impatient may find its + sweetness something too drawn out. On the other hand, there are many + "gentle readers," probably a vast majority, to whom its appeal will prove + entirely successful. And as they can be trusted to spread its merits in + the right quarters there will be no need for the publishers to shout, + either from the house-top or anywhere else, which (as I suggested above) + is as it should be.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>When we are introduced to <i>Margaret Grenfield</i>, the heroine of + <i>Fetters on the Feet</i> (ARNOLD), she is living with some Quaker + cousins and spending most of her time in mending stockings. So many + people make stockings who refuse absolutely to mend them that I imagine + there must be something peculiarly unattractive in this work of + restoration, and it was a fortunate day for <i>Margaret</i> when the + pedantic young man of the house proposed to marry her. After this we + discover that she has both a history and a will of her own. She leaves + the Quakers, and goes as secretary to a lady who holds eccentric if + broadminded views on every conceivable subject, and the change of + atmosphere, however delightful in various ways, was too much for + <i>Margaret's</i> peace of mind. The young Quaker was an obstinate wooer + and followed her up, but his chances of success, which were never rosy, + grew dimmer and dimmer as <i>Margaret</i>, freeing herself of shackles, + gradually began to see life as a whole instead of through the eye of a + darning-needle. In the end MRS. FRED REYNOLDS tells us that "the day + dawned. The whole earth sang and sparkled in the glad light of it," which + is her way of saying that <i>Margaret</i> had found happiness. But all + the same I fancy that introspection had become such a habit of this + heroine that she is still likely to have days when the dawn is grey and + no birds sing.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"He was also the first officer to make a successful flight from the + deck of a British warship, and on one occasion he changed an aeroplane + propeller blade whilst flying 2,000ft. above the sea."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The above extract has been forwarded by the members of a R.F.C. mess, + who are anxious to know what happened when he stopped his engine.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wanted, for a Farmhouse, Middle-Aged Person to look an Old Lady; + lifting and light duties."—<i>Newcastle Daily Journal.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We doubt if there will be much response. Most middle-aged persons + nowadays prefer to look like flappers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a trade prospectus:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"—— Cubes contain the nourishing proprieties of beef."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We have always been great believers in bovine modesty.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, May 2, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15121-h.htm or 15121-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/1/2/15121/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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