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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/15064-h.zip b/15064-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..48acc85 --- /dev/null +++ b/15064-h.zip diff --git a/15064-h/15064-h.htm b/15064-h/15064-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..54a2ddd --- /dev/null +++ b/15064-h/15064-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2315 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, April 25th, 1917.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figure p.in, .figcenter p.in, .figright p.in, .figleft p.in + {margin: 0; text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +April 25, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 25, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 15, 2005 [EBook #15064] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 25th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>. + + <p>THE <i>Gazette des Ardennes</i> states that German is becoming a more + and more "popular tongue" in the occupied districts. The inhabitants, we + understand, are looking forward with great pleasure to telling the Huns + in German what they have always thought of them in French.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now reported that, following the example of Professor SMYTHE, of + Chicago, a number of distinguished Americans have bequeathed their brains + to the Cornell Institute for scientific research. The rumour that the + German CROWN PRINCE has offered the contents of his headpiece awaits + confirmation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The British offensive has been arrested, says the <i>Vossische + Zeitung</i>. Presumably for exceeding the speed limit.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A gossip-writer says he is of the opinion that there will be a great + revolution in Germany and that the KAISER will be at the head of it. It + would be only decent to give him, say, a couple of lengths start.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Over one million persons visited the Zoo last year. The chief + attraction appears to have been a German gentleman from the Cameroons who + is being accommodated in the Monkey House.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A North London employer is advertising for men "any age up to one + hundred years." The nature of the employment is not stated, but it is + generally assumed to be akin to that of our telegraph boys.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A woman shopper in Regent Street one day last week was accompanied by + a white parrot. It is thought that this example will be widely followed + by people who are not particularly good at repartee.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Count REVENTLOW has informed the KAISER that without victory a + continuation of the Monarchy is improbable. The KAISER is expected to + retort that without the Monarchy the continuation of Count REVENTLOW is + still more precarious.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Have you not thought," asked a distinguished cleric recently, "that + all this bad weather may be a punishment for working on Sundays?" For our + part we are convinced that our cynical abandonment of the sacred practice + of throwing rice at weddings has had something to do with it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It was stated in Parliament last week that up to April 6th only 2,800 + persons had been placed in employment by the National Service Department. + The Government, it was felt, could have done better than that by the + simple process of creating another new Department.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/265.png"><img width="100%" src="images/265.png" + alt="Scotland for ever!" /></a> + SCOTLAND FOR EVER! + </div> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The <i>Journal</i> in a recent message states that the British have + ample supplies of ammunition. The Germans near St. Quentin and Lens also + incline to this view.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A resident of Northfleet, who wrote to a friend in Philadelphia in + 1893, has just had the letter returned to him through the American Dead + Letter Office. It is only fair to state that the letter was not marked + "Urgent."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Fortunately in our hour of need one man at least has undertaken to do + his best for his country. Mr. FRANK HARRIS has told an American newspaper + man that he does not intend to return to Great Britain.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to the increased cost of beer, several seaside resorts are + announcing to intending visitors that they cannot guarantee a visit from + the sea-serpent this summer.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>April 14th is said to be "Cuckoo Day" in this country, but several + days before that the KAISER promised political reform to his people after + the War.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The other night a motor car driven by a French aviator, who was + accompanied by three friends, made a tour of Paris, in the course of + which it ran down six policemen. It is evident that the gallant fellow + could not have been trying.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Star</i> is advocating the abolition of betting news in the + daily papers, and it is rumoured that its "Captain Cue" is prepared to + offer ten to one that this good thing won't come off.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a protest against the Government's attitude towards <i>The + Nation</i> it is rumoured that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is about to buy + another hat.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A safe which had been stolen from a Dublin business house has now been + discovered in a field nine miles away, but the whole of the contents are + missing. It is believed to be the work of burglars.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Potatoes are being grown on all the golf links around London. An + enthusiast who is cultivating the ninth hole on one course is offering + long odds that bogey will be not less than two tons.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>An electrical engineer has been sent as a substitute for a milker to a + Sussex farmer, who, with the characteristic obstinacy of his class, + refuses to accept the expert's assurance that all his cows are suffering + from dry cells.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A writer in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> claims that there are no + railway stations in Stoke Newington. It seems incredible that the + artistic sense of a Metropolitan community could be so hopelessly + stunted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The axe is being laid to the roots of our trees by the so-called + weaker sex; and the proper way of toasting the new woodwoman is to sing, + "For she's a jolly good feller."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + +<h2>THE GREAT SACRIFICE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dark lies the way before us, O my sweet!</p> + <p class="i2">Never again, until the final trumpet</p> + <p>Shall sound the Cease-fire, may our glances meet</p> + <p class="i2">Over the Sally Lunn or crisp brown crumpet;</p> + <p>Never again (the prospect makes my soul,</p> + <p class="i2">Unnerved by going beefless once a week, ache)</p> + <p>Shall you and I absorb the jammy roll</p> + <p class="i4">Nor yet the toasted tea-cake.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Never for us shall any fancy bread—</p> + <p class="i2">The food of vernal Love, and very tasty—</p> + <p>On lip and cheek its subtle savour shed,</p> + <p class="i2">Blent with the lighter forms of Gallic pasty;</p> + <p>Never shall any bun, for you and me,</p> + <p class="i2">Impart to amorous talk a fresh momentum,</p> + <p>Except its saccharine ingredients be</p> + <p class="i4">Confined to ten per centum.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The days of decorative art are done</p> + <p class="i2">That made the toothsome biscuit more enticing</p> + <p>(Even our wedding-cake when we are one</p> + <p class="i2">Will be denuded of its outer icing);</p> + <p>Yea, purest joy of all that we resign,</p> + <p class="i2">A ban is laid upon the luscious tartlet</p> + <p>By him who has for your sweet tooth and mine</p> + <p class="i4">No mercy in his heartlet.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet, if England, in her night of need,</p> + <p class="i2">Debauched by pastry-cook and muffin-monger,</p> + <p>Would have us curb our natural gift of greed</p> + <p class="i2">And merely mitigate the pangs of hunger,</p> + <p>Let us renounce life's sweetness from to-day,</p> + <p class="i2">And turn, for Hobson's choice, to something higher;</p> + <p>"Good-bye, Criterion!" let us bravely say,</p> + <p class="i4">And "Farewell, Rumpelmeyer!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A PROPER PROPORTION.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>An Interview with Mr. H.G. WELLS</i>).</p> + + <p>I found the Sage, as I had expected, in his study at Omniscience + Lodge. There he sat in his new suit of Britlings, surrounded by novels + and stories in MS. dealing with every aspect of human affairs, sixty of + the more important being specifically devoted to the War and the various + ways in which it might conceivably terminate. I modestly approached and + presented myself.</p> + + <p>"You have come," he said with a courteous gesture, "to discover my + views on the present conflict?"</p> + + <p>"Not exactly," I said.</p> + + <p>"Ah," he said; "which is it, then? You can take your choice, you know. + All you have to do is to select the subject," and he handed me a volume + resembling <i>Kelly's Directory</i> in size and colour, and entitled + "<i>Classified Catalogue of Subjects on which Opinions can be furnished at + the Shortest Notice</i>." I turned the pages breathlessly until I came to + "Class V, Voter; sub-class P, Proportional Representation." "There," I + said, "is what I want," and I pointed the place out to him.</p> + + <p>"Dear me," he said, "you desire guidance on a very simple matter."</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "I'm not so sure about that. It has rather flummoxed + us in our office. We can't make head or tail—"</p> + + <p>"You may thank your stars," he interrupted, "that you've come to the + right shop. I'll make it all as clear as daylight in two shakes of a + pig's whisker. Are you ready?"</p> + + <p>I said I was, and he began to pour forth at once.</p> + + <p>"Imagine," he said, "a constituency of 40,000 voters who elect four + representatives. Obviously anyone who gets 40,001 votes is elected. Well + then, there are ten candidates. All you have to do is to take the + quotient of <i>x</i> divided by <i>y</i>, where <i>x</i> can be raised to + the <i>n</i>th power and <i>y</i> can be raised to the <i>n</i>th-1, and + add to this the least common denominator of the number of votes cast for + the last three candidates, taking care to eliminate in each case the + square root of <i>z</i>, where <i>z</i> equals the number of voters + belonging to the Church of England, <i>minus</i> Archdeacons and Rural + Deans, but inclusive of Minor Canons and Precentors. Do you follow + me?"</p> + + <p>"Ye-es," I said.</p> + + <p>"I thought you would," he said. "Next we proceed to take the multiples + of the superhydrates mathematically converted into decimals, and then, + allowing, of course, for the kilometric variation of the earth's maximum + temperature reduced by the square of the hypotenuse, you begin the + delicate operation of transferring votes from one candidate to another in + packets of not less than one hundred. That's easy, isn't it?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes," I said, "that's quite easy."</p> + + <p>"Very well then," he said. "You have now got two candidates elected, + A. and B. You take from them 653 votes, which do not legitimately belong + to them, and you mix them up with the surplus votes of the remaining + eight candidates. Unless C. is a congenital idiot, or a felon, or + otherwise incapacitated, he will then be found to have 4,129 votes, and + he too will be elected. For the last place you must proceed on a basis of + geometrical progression. There are still seven candidates, but four of + these have no earthly and must be withdrawn by a writ of <i>Ne exeat + regno</i>, taking with them the 2,573 votes which are properly or + improperly theirs, and leaving 3,326 votes to be added to those already + recorded for D., who, being thus elected into the position of fourth + letter of the alphabet, will be returned as elected on the Temperance and + Vegetarian ticket. So finally you get your members duly elected without + the blighting interference of the Caucus and the party wire-pullers + generally. You see that, of course?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "I suppose I see it."</p> + + <p>"Of course you do, and the others will see it too. And they'll realise + that the House of Commons will be a different place when the old system + is destroyed and every shade of opinion is represented. But what chiefly + appeals to me in it is its extraordinary simplicity and perspicuous ease. + A child could perform the duties of counter or returning officer, and any + voter, male or female, can master the system in about five minutes."</p> + + <p>I thanked Mr. WELLS for his courtesy and staggered dizzily back to + Bouverie Street.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>On "How to Dig," from a recently-published military manual:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To dig well one must dig often. Any series of complex co-ordinated + movements can be performed with the greatest economy of effort only when + they have become semi-reflex; and for this to happen the correlated + series of nervous impulses must be linked up by higher development of the + brain cells."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>A spade is useful, too.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"I did not hear yesterday of the insufficiency of bread supplied at + Restaurants being made up by cakes and guns brought from + home."—<i>Irish Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We have heard, however, of an insufficiency of alcoholic refreshment + being made up by a "pocket-pistol."</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"After all, the custom of marrying only into Royal houses came to us + from Germany, and dates from the Hanoverians.... The case of Henry VIII. + is well known. Four of his wives were plain + Englishwomen...."—<i>Sunday Herald.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Not so plain, however, as the German one, ANNE OF CLEVES.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/267.png"><img width="100%" src="images/267.png" + alt="Cannon-fodder - and after." /></a> + <h3>CANNON-FODDER—AND AFTER.</h3> + + <p>KAISER (<i>to 1917 Recruit</i>). "AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR KAISER + WILL FIND A USE FOR YOU—ALIVE OR DEAD."</p> + + <p>[At the enemy's "Establishment for the Utilisation of Corpses" the + dead bodies of German soldiers are treated chemically, the chief + commercial products being lubricant oils and pigs' food.]</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/268.png"><img width="100%" src="images/268.png" + alt="This is a terrible war." /></a> + <p><i>Aunt.</i> "THIS IS A TERRIBLE WAR. ALL OF US MUST GO WITHOUT + SOMETHING."</p> + + <p><i>R.F.C. Officer.</i> "WELL, I TRY TO BE BRAVE ABOUT IT, AUNT. BUT + THIS ZEPPELIN SHORTAGE HITS ME VERY HARD."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.</h2> + +<p class="center">I.</p> + + <p><i>Lewis Gun Officer.</i>—... So let me repeat and impress upon + you, men, that the rifle is an effete weapon—extinct as + the—what-you-call-it bird. It played its part, a good part, in the + South African War, but we who observed what the machine gun did then and + foretold its immense development [<i>he was just nine years old at that + time</i>] knew that the rifle would soon be in the museums along with the + bows and arrows. Pay attention, Private Jones. The Lewis Gun, the weapon + of opportunity, is a platoon in itself. <i>I</i> don't know what the + Government want to worry about men for. The Germans don't fill up their + front trenches with a lot of soldiers to be killed with shrapnel. No, a + machine gun every twenty or thirty yards is quite enough to hold any + defensive line. So just bear these things in mind; and don't forget what + we have learnt to-day. All right. Nine o'clock to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="center">II.</p> + + <p><i>Physical Training Sergeant-Instructor.</i>—Forward + be—end. Ster—retch. Be—end. Ster—retch. Feet + together—place. 'Ands—down. Stan—zee. Squad + —'shun. Fingers straight, that man. Wotjer say? WOT? I can't 'elp + wot the drill-sergeant tells yer. When I sez "'Shun" I want fingers + <i>straight down</i>. On the command "Sitting—<i>down</i>" every + man sits <i>down</i> tailor-fashion. Sitting—<i>down</i>. [<i>This + is the position in which Swedish drill squads hear words of wisdom.</i>] + Listen. An' look at me over there—not that I likes the look of + yer—'as to put up with that, but when I torks I wants attention. + Let me arsk yer this. Wot sort of men do we want in France? Why, fit men. + 'Ow do yer get fit? <i>I</i> makes yer fit. 'Ow? Why, physical. Wot's the + good of a bloke in the trenches if he's sick parade every bloomin' day? + Arsk any of the serjents who is it wakes blokes up and makes 'em live + men? <i>Me.</i> In about six weeks you will be able to run ten miles + before brekfast in full marchin' order, carryin' 120 rounds, gettin' over + six-foot walls and jumpin' eight-foot ditches. Don't look + <i>frightened</i>, Private West. I 'ave seen weedier and uglier-lookin' + blokes than you do it when <i>I</i>'ve done with 'em. One more + thing....</p> + +<p class="center">III.</p> + + <p><i>Musketry Officer.</i>—... Therefore you see an infantry + soldier has one weapon and one only—the <i>rifle</i>. You fellows + will be out at the Front pretty soon. Now, if a man gets up the line, no + matter how strong he is, how well drilled, if he can't use his rifle he + might just as well not be there for all the good he is to his country. + All the money that's been spent on his trainin', food, + clothin'—absolutely wasted; might as well have been thrown into the + sea. Why, the other day a party of our fellows were heavin' bombs at + about twenty Bosches—threw <i>hundreds</i>; couldn't reach 'em. And + <i>one</i> sniper went out and killed the lot in two minutes. And so + ...</p> + +<p class="center">IV.</p> + + <p><i>Sergeant-Instructor of Bayonet-Fighting.</i>—On guard. Long + point. Withdraw. On guard. Rest. Now, when I snap my fingers I want to + see you come to the high port and get roun' me <i>like lightning</i>. + Some of you men seem to be treatin' this bizness in a light-'earted way. + We don't do <i>this</i> work to prevent you gettin' into mischief. Not + much. Wotjer join the army for? To fight. Right. I shows yer how to + fight. 'Ow many Fritzes jer think I've killed, by teachin' rookies the + proper use of the baynit? This is <i>the goods</i>. 'Ow are we goin' to + win this bloomin' war? With the rifle? No. With bombs? No. With machine + guns? No. 'Ow then? By turnin' 'em out with the baynit. Cold steel. + That's it. An' I'll show yer where to pop it in, me lads—three + inches of it. That's all you want—three inches ... (<i>For sheer + bloodthirstiness there is no patter like that of the Bayonet + Department.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center">V.</p> + + <p><i>Bombing Officer.</i>—Sit down. Smoke if you want + to—and listen. My job is to teach you fellers all about what has + turned out to be of the highest importance in this trench warfare, + namely, bombs and grenades. This is a trench war; has been for three + years. The nature of the fighting may alter, of course. We all hope it + will. But we must think of <i>trenches</i> at the moment. Now, the German + is a clever feller, and he soon saw that you'd never kill off the enemy + if you just sat down behind a parapet with a rifle in your hand. So he + started inventing and developing these things. But we're catching him up. + We've caught him up. Now, this is a Mills ...</p> + +<p class="center">VI.</p> + + <p><i>The Adjutant</i> (<i>after two hours' extended order drill and + attack practice</i>).—Just sit down. Close in a bit. Light your + pipes if you wish. Let me tell you that the sort of work we've been doing + this afternoon is the <i>only</i> way we're ever going to finish off the + Hun—absolutely. You can never win a war by squatting down in a hole + and lookin' at the other fellow. No, open fighting—that's what the + new armies have got to learn. I fear it's been badly neglected; but not + in <i>this</i> battalion. Now, with regard to the screen of skirmishers, + I want ...</p> + +<p class="center">VII.</p> + + <p><i>Drill Sergeant.</i>—On 'er left, form—squad. + For—erd, by the ri.' Mark—time. For—erd. Wake up, + Thomson; we don't want no blinkin' <i>dreamers</i> in the Army. Pick up + the step there, Number Three, fron' rank. 'Ep, ri'; 'ep, ri'; 'ep, ri. + Sker-wad—'alt. Stan' still. 'Alt means 'alt. No movin' at all; just + 'alt. Right—dress. Eyes—front. 'Swer. Eyes—front. + Stanat—'ipe. 'Swer. Stanat—'ipe. Stan' easy. Now listen to + me, me lads. The chiefest dooty of a soljer is O-bedience. Drill an' + discipline is 'ow you gets that. Stop chewin, 'Arris. You'll be losin' + your name again, me lad. Don't pay to lose your name twice—not in + this regiment it don't. You'll learn a deal of other stuff 'ere; but take + it from me it's the barrick-square work wot makes a soljer. Wot <i>is</i> + a soljer? Why, a <i>drilled</i> man. 'Ow jer think I 'ave turned some + 'undreds of blankety militiamen into the real thing? If a bloke can't + stan' still on parade <i>I</i> don't want to hear about his <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page269" id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> doin's + on the range or 'ow he can chuck a Mills. Sker-wad—'shun. + Dis—miss. 'Swer. No call to go salootin' me, Private McKenzie. I + ain't an orficer—<i>yet</i>. Dis—miss.</p> + + <p><i>Private Jones</i> (<i>young and keen, and a trifle + confused</i>).—Good 'evins, Bill; they carn't <i>all</i> be + bloomin' well right, can they?</p> + + <p><i>Lance-Corporal Smith.</i>—No, boy. It's the 'appy mejium we + gets wiv 'em all, yer see. That's it—the happy mejium.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/269.png"><img width="100%" src="images/269.png" + alt="Halt! Who goes there?" /></a> + <p class="in"><i>Sentry.</i> "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"</p> + + <p class="in"><i>Officer.</i> "VISITING ROUNDS."</p> + + <p class="in"><i>Sentry.</i> "ADVANCE ONE AND RECOGNISE YERSELF."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE NEW NOTE IN THEATRICAL ADVERTISING.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>The sort of thing we are now getting in the daily papers in place + of the antique boastings of expenditure and magnificence.</i>)</p> + + </blockquote> +<p class="center">FRIVOLITY THEATRE.</p> + +<p class="center">On Monday next, at 8 o'clock, will be<br /> +produced</p> + +<p class="center"><i>THE BELLE OF BELLONA</i>,</p> + +<p class="center">A NEW MUSICAL ECONOMANZA IN TWO ACTS.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Largely reduced Orchestra.</i></p> + +<p class="center">Cheap Jokes. Old Scenery.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center"><i>DUST OF BABYLON</i></p> + +<p class="center">AT THE EMPEROR'S THEATRE.</p> + +<p class="center">AN UNSPECTACULAR TALE OF THE EAST.</p> + +<p class="center">Practically no Costumes.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Support the production that saves money on<br /> +wardrobe expenses.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that Miss Taka Topnote, the well-known revue artiste, is + bringing an action for defamation against the dramatic editor of <i>The + Morning Chatterbox</i>, who recently published a statement that her + salary was fifteen hundred a week. The lady informs us that as a matter + of fact she is now drawing thirty-five shillings, with half fees for + matinées.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. Buckram, the famous actor-manager, writes: "A great deal of + nonsense has been published about the so-called stupendous sums supposed + to be expended on my shows. How such stories get about I am at a loss to + imagine. Thus my present entertainment is reported to have cost me + £25,000 before the curtain rose. All I can say is that, were this the + case, the curtain would never have risen at all. To speak by the book + (which anyone is at full liberty to inspect) I find my total initial + outlay to have been £43 11<i>s.</i> 5<i>d.</i>, inclusive of free drinks + at the dress-rehearsal. All the members of my cast are paid as little as + possible, usually in postage-stamps."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is stated that the new problem play shortly to be produced at the + Vegeterion Theatre will be unique in the matter of economy. It will be + played throughout upon a bare stage, the scene represented being "A + Theatre during Rehearsal." The cast will be entirely composed of stage + hands and dramatic students; moreover, as both the dialogue and + situations have been gratuitously borrowed from other works of a similar + character, there will be no author's fees. The very gratifying result of + these measures is that the management is enabled to present to the public + an entertainment that has cost <i>nothing at all</i>. Patriotism could no + further go.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Meanwhile, the turnip trade is booming, and prices going higher: + People seem to be talking to them in place of + potatoes."—<i>Newcastle Evening Chronicle.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Yes, and their language is often very regrettable.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>TO FRANCE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If so it be for every generous thought</p> + <p class="i2">Spring scents are sweeter yet.</p> + <p>For every task with high endeavour wrought</p> + <p class="i2">Earth's gems are fairer set—</p> + <p class="i2">Primrose and violet;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If for each noble dream in dormant seed</p> + <p class="i2">The life-spark stirs and glows;</p> + <p>If for the fame of each heroic deed</p> + <p class="i2">Some bloom the lovelier grows—</p> + <p class="i2">White lily or red rose;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then, France, thou shouldst be lavish of thy flowers</p> + <p class="i2">For all our dead and thine,</p> + <p>And for all women's tears, or thine or ours,</p> + <p class="i2">Put forth some tender sign—</p> + <p class="i2">Heartsease or eglantine.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + +<h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3> + +<p class="center">THE JUDGMENT OF THE ASS.</p> + +<p class="center">VII.</p> + + <p>It was in the year that the donkey was elected judge, because only he + and the mule came to vote and the mule spoiled his voting-paper.</p> + + <p>The weasel came before the court to make a serious complaint against + the rat.</p> + + <p>"Most learned judge," said the weasel, "the rat came to me for advice. + 'Tell me,' he said, 'how I can obtain a delicious piece of cheese I have + seen.' I showed him how he could get it. He ate the cheese, and since + then he has not ceased to revile me."</p> + + <p>"Most unjust," said the judge. "What has the rat to say?"</p> + + <p>"The rat does not appear," said the mule, who was usher.</p> + + <p>"And why not?" asked the judge.</p> + + <p>"He is still in the trap," said the usher.</p> + + <p>"I showed him the way in," said the weasel proudly.</p> + + <p>"But not the way out," said the rat's prospective widow.</p> + + <p>"He only asked me how he could get the cheese, and I showed him," said + the weasel.</p> + + <p>"The weasel shall have the reward of virtue," said the judge. "As for + the rat I shall fine him for contempt of court in not appearing."</p> + + <p>"Justice!" cried the rat's prospective widow. "I demand my + husband."</p> + + <p>"You shall have him," said the ass. "I order the weasel to show you + the way into the trap."</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>An Indian Circus handbill:—</p> + +<p class="center"> +"Programme of the Bengal Grand Cirkcus Co:<br /> +Performings begin P.P.M.</p> + +<p class="center">PART I.</p> + + <p>1. Some horses will make very good tricks.</p> + + <p>2. The Klown will come and talk with the horses therefore audience + will laugh itself very much.</p> + + <p>3. The lady will walk on horses back when horses jumping very + much.</p> + + <p>4. The Klown will make a joking word and lady will become too angry, + then Klown will run himself away.</p> + + <p>5. The boy he will throw a ball to upside and he will catch the ball + in downward journey.</p> + + <p>6. This is very jumping tricks.</p> + +<p class="center">PART II.</p> + + <p>1. One man will make so tricks on trapees that audience will fraid + himself very much.</p> + + <p>2. Some dogs will play and role himself in the mud.</p> + + <p>3. This is the grand display of tricks.</p> + + <p>4. The lady will make himself so bend that everyone he will think that + he is rubber lady.</p> + + <p>5. The man will walk on wire tight. He is doing so nicely because he + is professor of that.</p> + + <p>6. Then will come grand dramatic.</p> + +<p class="center">NOTICE.</p> + + <p>No stick will be allowed in the spectators and he shall not smoke + also."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>EXCELSIOR.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Our ascent to the sun makes our enemy envious."—<i>Kölnische + Zeitung.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The night fell fast, but faster still</p> + <p>A youth came down the darkening hill,</p> + <p>A super-youth, whose super-flag</p> + <p>Flaunted the strange but hackneyed brag,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His eyes betrayed through gold-rimmed prism</p> + <p>Myopia and astigmatism;</p> + <p>But, head in air, he proudly strode,</p> + <p>Declaiming down the fatal road,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sign-posts clustered left and right</p> + <p>And waved their arms towards the height;</p> + <p>He heeded not, but through the mist</p> + <p>Plunged steeply down and fiercely hissed,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Put on the brake!" Experience said;</p> + <p>"The stars, my boy, are overhead;</p> + <p>The pit of Tophet's deep and wide."</p> + <p>A sudden snarl of hate replied,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"O stay," cried Sanity, "and cool</p> + <p>Thy fevered head in yonder pool!"</p> + <p>The balefire smouldered in his eye,</p> + <p>And still he muttered, hurtling by,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beware the awful precipice!</p> + <p>Beware the bottomless abyss!"</p> + <p>This was Discretion's last Good-night.</p> + <p>He gurgled, as he dropped from sight,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At day-break, when the punctual sun</p> + <p>Explored the hill-tops one by one,</p> + <p>And scoured the solitary steep,</p> + <p>An echo rose from out the deep,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, from the deeper depths that lay</p> + <p>Beyond the farthest reach of day,</p> + <p>A thin voice wailed, and, mocking it,</p> + <p>Crackled the laughter of the pit,</p> + <p class="i12">"Excelsior!"</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Some Jumbo.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Jumbo, the giant elephant of the Stosch-Parasani Circus in Berlin, + has been killed for food, telegraphs the Amsterdam correspondent of The + Daily Express. He yielded fifty-five tons of flesh."—<i>Evening + Paper (Glasgow).</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>If this statement had not come from Amsterdam we should have found + some difficulty in believing it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"At a meeting of the King George High School, Kasauli: 'Resolved, that + the school be closed for to-day to commemorate the recapture of Kut, for + which permission has been so kindly accorded by Pundit Hari Das Sahib, + M.A.'"—<i>Indian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We are all, General MAUDE included, very much obliged to the + Pundit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A MISNOMER.</h3> + + <p>Once upon a time, in the midst of the most detestable Spring ever + known—a Spring consisting entirely of hopes of better weather, + raised for no other purpose than to be so thwarted and dashed that the + spirits of that brave and much harassed creature, man, might sink still + lower—once upon a time, even in this Spring, there was a fine + evening. It was more than fine, it was tender, and, owing to a North + wind, wonderfully luminous, and I walked slowly along the + hedges—which were still bare, although April was far + advanced—and listened to the blackbirds, and marvelled at the light + that made everything so beautiful, and was filled with gratitude to the + late WILLIAM WILLETT for re-arranging our foolish hours.</p> + + <p>I soon reached a favourite meadow, with a view of the hills and clumps + of gorse in it, and, since there were clumps of gorse, many, many of + those alluring little creatures which live in the ground and provide man + with numbers of benefits—such as sweet flesh to put into pies; and + cheap, soft, warm fur to wrap Baby Buntings in; and stubby tails, or + scuts, to be used in hot-houses for transferring pollen that + peach-blossoms may be fertilised, and (latterly) symbols for Government + clerks who prefer civilian clothes and comfort to khaki and warfare; and + (in Wales) toasted cheese. I refer to rabbits.</p> + + <p>As I stood motionless in this meadow watching the yellowing sky, I was + aware of an Homeric contest quite close to me. Two rabbits wore engaged + in a terrific battle. They kicked and they scratched and made the most + furious attacks on each other. The fur flew and the ground resounded to + their thuds. First one seemed to be winning and then the other, but there + was no flinching.</p> + + <p>I had heard of rabbits fighting, but I had never seen it before. "Very + unfair to have called them Cuthberts," I said to myself.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The —— Company have several second-hand cars for sale, + starter and non-starter models; petrol consumption low."—<i>The + Autocar.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Particularly that of the non-starters.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Good General: sold cheap if taken over this week; good reasons for + leaving."—<i>Liverpool Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Can this be HINDENBURG?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Rev. Stuart Holden, on behalf of the Strength of Britain + Movement, spoke of the enthusiasm for prohibition of audiences throughout + the country."—<i>The Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We understand, however, that this enthusiasm for the prohibition of + audiences has not yet extended to the theatrical profession.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" src="images/271.png" + alt="Sporting days with the Food-producer's staff" /></a> + <h3>SPORTING DAYS WITH THE FOOD-PRODUCER'S STAFF</h3>. + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page272" id="page272"></a>[pg 272]</span> + +<h3>THE FOOD QUESTION.</h3> + +<p class="center">RATIONING AT THE ZOO.</p> + + <p>"In the Northern area," says a despatch from Mr. POCOCK, "a period of + inactivity has set in which is partly due to the fact that the dromedary + has been placed on a vegetarian diet. There has been a cold snap in the + crocodile house. Three of our keepers have disappeared."</p> + + <p>An attempt to substitute salsify for bloaters in the dietary of the + sea-lion was not successful.</p> + + <p>Complaints have been received from the elephant-house to the effect + that buns sold for the benefit of the occupants have not reached their + destination. Should this abuse continue it will be necessary to make + arrangements to have every child under the age of twelve submitted to an + X-ray examination before leaving the Gardens.</p> + + <p>The use of human food for the nourishment of animals is, however, + being discouraged; and for the future guinea-pigs and broken glass will + be the staple diet of boa-constrictors and ostriches respectively. + Peppermint-balls for grizzly bears are to be discontinued; also egg-nogg + for anthropoid apes.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/272.png"><img width="100%" src="images/272.png" + alt="Don't you dare to pray for me!" /></a> + <p class="in"><i>Alice</i> (<i>saying her prayers, after a quarrel with her + sister</i>). "AND, PLEASE GOD, BLESS BETTY."</p> + + <p class="in"><i>Betty.</i> "DON'T YOU DARE TO PRAY FOR ME!"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>HINTS TO YOUNG FOOD-PRODUCERS.</h3> + + <p><i>Jugged Hare.</i>—A well-known firm of hare-raisers in + Carmelite Street informs us that young rabbits fed on sponge-cake soaked + in port wine have a flavour which renders them indistinguishable from + hare.</p> + + <p><i>Celeriac.</i>—-This appetising vegetable has been little + cultivated owing to a general but erroneous belief that it was the name + of a new kind of motor-car. "Celeriac" is of course a compound of the + word "celery" and the Arabic suffix "ac," which means "bearing a + resemblance to" or "a small imitation of." Thus it would be correct for + the writer to speak of the salariac he earns by writing this sort of + thing.</p> + + <p>[<i>Note.</i>—"Earns" would <i>not</i> be + correct.—ED.]</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Navigation Extraordinary.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Although the stern and screws of the vessel were well out of the + water she was able to make the port under her own steam."—<i>Daily + Mail.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Portatoes in the usual forms have disappeared this + week.—LORNA."—<i>British Weekly.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>These must be the Devonportatoes of which we have heard so much.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>AT BEST.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Baron MORITZ FERDINAND VON BISSING, the German Military + Governor-General of Belgium, the murderer of Nurse CAVELL and instigator + of the infamous Belgian deportations, after being granted a rest from his + labours, is reported to have died "of overwork."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tired of pillaging and sacking,</p> + <p>Tired of bludgeoning and whacking,</p> + <p>Tired of torturing and racking,</p> + <p class="i2">BISSING takes his "rest."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For the sport of shooting nurses,</p> + <p>Gloating o'er his victims' hearses,</p> + <p>Answering appeals with curses,</p> + <p class="i2">He had lost his zest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All his diabolic striving</p> + <p>To intensify slave-driving</p> + <p>Could not slay the soul surviving</p> + <p class="i2">In a Nation's breast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still the flame burns ever brighter</p> + <p>Underneath the blouse or mitre;</p> + <p>Still the smitten greets the smiter</p> + <p class="i2">With undaunted crest;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>While the arch-tormentor, flying</p> + <p>From the hell about him lying,</p> + <p>Mid the fire and worm undying</p> + <p class="i2">Takes his endless rest.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" src="images/273.png" + alt="The waning of faith." /></a> + <h3>THE WANING OF FAITH.</h3> + + <p>GUARDIAN OF STATUE. "YOU WISH TO HAMMER ANOTHER NAIL INTO THE + COLOSSUS OF OUR HINDENBURG?"</p> + + <p>EX-ENTHUSIAST. "NO; I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Tuesday, April 17th.</i>—The re-opening of the House of + Commons found Lord FISHER in his accustomed place over the clock. What is + the lure that brings him so often to the Peers' Gallery? I think it must + be his strong sense of duty. As Chairman of the Inventions Board he feels + he ought to lose no opportunity of adding to his stock.</p> + + <p>Quite the most striking feature of the afternoon was the pink shirt + worn by a well-known Scottish Member, whose name I refrain from + mentioning to spare him any additional blushes. It was of such an + inflammatory hue that his brother-legislators at first took it for a + well-developed case of measles (probably German) and sheered off + accordingly. Nobody knows what caused him to indulge in the rash act, but + it is hoped in the interests of coherent debate that he will not do it + again.</p> + + <p>Mr. DILLON was so much disturbed by the apparition that, having + started out to demand an immediate General Election unless the Government + at once granted Home Rule to the whole of Ireland, he finished by + declaring that he would be satisfied if they would promise to reform the + franchise on the lines proposed by the SPEAKER'S Conference. Incidentally + he drew a fancy picture of himself and his colleagues striving + consistently for thirty-five years to convert their brother-Irishmen to + constitutional methods; from which I infer that Mr. DILLON, very wisely, + does not make a study of his own old speeches.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" src="images/274.png" + alt="Paper shortage at a General Election." /></a> + PAPER SHORTAGE AT A GENERAL ELECTION. + + <p>[The Political Slate (with Sponge) has its obvious + compensations.]</p> + </div> + <p>As the engineer of two successive extensions of the life of Parliament + Mr. ASQUITH offered whole-souled support to the proposal to give a third + renewal to its lease. Apart from anything else, how could a General + Election be satisfactorily conducted when there was a shortage of paper + and posters were prohibited? "What's the matter with slates?" whispered a + Member from Wales. If every Candidate paraded his constituency sandwiched + between a couple of slates showing the details of his political + programme, it would certainly add to the gaiety of the nation, besides + providing an easy method of expunging such items as in the course of the + contest might prove unpopular.</p> + + <p>A good many silly things have been said in the last month or two about + HINDENBURG and his imaginary "line," but the silliest of all perhaps was + the remark of <i>The Nation</i> that the German retreat on the Somme "has + found our soldiers wanting." This article naturally gave great comfort to + the enemy, who possibly overestimates the importance of Mr. MASSINGHAM + and the significance of the title of his paper. It also found its way to + the British trenches, and caused so great an increase in the habit + traditionally ascribed to the British Army when in Flanders that Sir + DOUGLAS HAIG is understood to have suggested that an embargo should be + placed upon the further export of such literature.</p> + + <p>What most strikes the imagination is that amid the most stirring + events of the greatest war in history British Legislators should devote + three of their precious hours to so trumpery an affair. Was this what the + old jurist had in mind when he called the House of Commons "The Great + Inquest of the Nation"?</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, April 18th.</i>—On the motion introduced in both + Houses to express the welcome of Parliament to our new Ally, Mr. BONAR + LAW, paraphrasing CANNING, declared that the New World had stepped in to + redress the balance of the Old; Mr. ASQUITH, with a fellow-feeling no + doubt, lauded the patience which had enabled President WILSON to carry + with him a united nation; and Lord CURZON quoted BRET HARTE.</p> + + <p>A fresh injustice to Ireland was revealed at Question-time. England + and Scotland are to enjoy an educational campaign, in which hundreds of + speakers all over the country will dilate upon the necessity of reducing + the consumption and preventing the waste of foodstuffs. But like most + other patriotic schemes it is not to apply to John Bull's other island, + though I gather that it is at least as much wanted there as here.</p> + + <p>On the third reading of the Parliament Bill the debate was confined to + Irish Members. Mr. FIELD, who is in the live-stock trade, led one + particularly fine bull into the Parliamentary arena. After complaining + that Members had no longer any power in the House, he went on to say, "We + are simply ciphers behind the leading figures on the Front Bench." Surely + that, arithmetically speaking, is the position in which ciphers are most + powerful.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, April 19th.</i>—The mental processes of Sir WILLIAM + BYLES are normally so mysterious that his suggestion that, with the + Americans coming in and the Germans making off, this was the + psychological moment for the British Government to initiate proposals for + peace, did not strike the House at large as specially absurd. It was, + however, both surprised and delighted when Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL interposed + with an inquiry whether it would not be time enough to talk about peace + when the Germans ceased to blow up hospital ships. When Mr. BONAR LAW + tactfully observed that the Supplementary Question was better than the + answer he had prepared, one felt that the prospects of an Anglo-Irish + <i>entente</i> had appreciably improved.</p> + + <p>When the new MINISTER FOR EDUCATION deposited upon the Table a vast + packet of manuscript, and craved the indulgence of the House if he + exceeded the usual limits of a maiden speech, I thought of the days when + the headline, "The Duke of Devonshire on Technical Education," used to + strike on my fevered spirit with a touch of infinite prose. Mr. FISHER + began in rather professorial style, but he soon revealed a glowing + enthusiasm for his subject which thawed the House. His ambition is to + transform the teachers in our elementary schools from ill-paid drudges + into members of a liberal and liberally remunerated profession. Our + record in the War has shown that, as a Naval Officer wrote to him, "there + is something in your d——d Board School education after + all."</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The bride, who was given away by her father, was attended by Miss + —— as demonsoille d'honneur."—<i>Hawkes Bay Herald</i> + (<i>New Zealand</i>).</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We fear this marriage was not made in heaven.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/275.png"><img width="100%" src="images/275.png" + alt="Is zat your beautiful English Thames?" /></a> + <p class="in"><i>Polite Foreigner.</i> "IS ZAT YOUR BEAUTIFUL ENGLISH + THAMES—YES?"</p> + + <p class="in"><i>London Dame</i> ("<i>on her guard</i>"). "I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST + IDEA."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>A PAPER PROBLEM.</h3> + + <p>Copy of a letter from the Reverend Laurence Longwind to the Archbishop + of CANTERBURY:—</p> + +<p class="author"><i>The Rectory</i>, <br /> + +<i>Little Pottering</i>, <br /> + +<i>April 1st, 1917</i>.</p> + + <p>My LORD ARCHBISHOP,—I am writing to ask whether Your Grace would + be so kind as to assist me in resolving a case of conscience which, I + feel sure, must be exercising the minds and hearts of many of my brother + clergy at the present time.</p> + + <p>The matter to which I refer is closely connected with the sad shortage + of paper. It is no doubt known to Your Grace that many ministers of the + Gospel, though capable of eloquence of a high order, <i>write</i> their + sermons. Old sermons tend to increase and multiply at an alarming rate. I + myself have a chest of drawers literally stuffed with them. What, in Your + Grace's opinion, should be done with these?</p> + + <p>Would it be right, in view of the purpose for which they were written, + to tear them up and send them away to be pulped? Long and earnestly as I + have considered the problem in all its bearings I am still utterly unable + to arrive at a solution.</p> + + <p>No doubt I could sell them and devote the proceeds to charitable + purposes. There is, I am informed, a large and steady demand for old + sermons amongst the younger clergy who have not that ripe experience of + life which sixty years in a rural parish cannot fail to provide. But I am + informed that the dealers do not always offer appropriate prices. And I + should hesitate to make a traffic in holy things unless I could make + quite certain that no breath of scandal could result from inadequate + remuneration.</p> + + <p>I have sounded my churchwardens on the subject, but without reaping + any benefit from the advice given. "Do you see any harm in selling them + simply as paper?" I asked one of them, a Mr. Bloggs. "Not a rap! Not a + rap! Get rid of 'em!" was his reply. Naturally I felt hurt. It was not so + much what he said as the way he said it. The mere mention of my sermons + always seems to make him irritable. Why I cannot imagine.</p> + + <p>My dear wife advises me to send them down to the schoolhouse. The + children, she thinks, might use the backs (I write on one side of the + paper only) for their sums. But I fear such an expedient might give rise + to a spirit of irreverence.</p> + + <p>Would Your Grace hold me greatly to blame were I to raffle them at our + next rummage sale? I feel sure they would fetch a good price. Only + yesterday Miss Tabitha Gingham remarked to her sister, Miss Mary, "We had + a good long sermon from the Rector this morning." I was passing behind + their laurel hedge at the moment, and could not fail to overhear this + meed of praise. Miss Tabitha is, I should explain, very hard to please, + and if <i>she</i> thinks them good there must be others in the parish of + the same opinion. I might be able to raise quite a nice sum for our local + Seed Potato Committee by a Spring raffle of my longer and more elaborate + compositions. And since everybody is beginning to take a modern view of + Bonus Bonds I do not think that a raffle for such a purpose need arouse + serious opposition.</p> + + <p>Trusting that Your Grace will be able to give me your considered + opinion in this matter, which is arousing so much attention at the + present time,</p> + +<p class="center">I am, Your Grace's humble and obedient Servant,<br /> +LAURENCE LONGWIND.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/276.png"><img width="100%" src="images/276.png" + alt="Margarine or marjarine?" /></a> + <p class="in"><i>Resident at Boarding House</i> (<i>to waiter</i>). "DO YOU CALL + THIS STUFF MARGARINE OR MARJARINE?"</p> + + <p class="in"><i>Mike.</i> "SURE, SORR, IT'S HERSELF WOULD SLING ME OUT IF I + CALLED IT ANNYTHING BUT BUTTHER."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>FORE AND AFT.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The A.S.C.'s a nobleman; 'e rides a motor-car,</p> + <p>'E is not forced to 'ump a pack, as we footsloggers are;</p> + <p>'E drives 'is lorry through the towns and 'alts for fags and beer;</p> + <p>We infantry, we does without, there ain't no shops up 'ere;</p> + <p>And then for splashin' us with mud 'e draws six bob a day,</p> + <p>For the further away from the line you go the 'igher your rate of pay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My shirt is rather chatty and my socks 'ud make you larf;</p> + <p>It's just a week o' Sundays since they sent us for a barf;</p> + <p>But them that 'as the cushy jobs they lives in style and state,</p> + <p>With a basin in their bedrooms and their dinners on a plate;</p> + <p>For 'tis a law o' nachur with the bloomin' infantry—</p> + <p>The nearer up to the line you go the dirtier will you be.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blokes at the base, they gets their leave when they've bin out three munse;</p> + <p>I 'aven't seen my wife and kids for more 'n a year, not once;</p> + <p>The missus writes, "About that pass, you'd better ask again;</p> + <p>I think you must 'ave been forgot." Old girl, the reason's plain:</p> + <p>We are the bloomin' infantry, and you must just believe</p> + <p>That the nearer up to the line you go the less is your chance of leave.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"We cussed at Grosvenor House and some steps in this direction may be + expected if the demands of retailers become more + rapacious."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is no good abusing the FOOD CONTROLLER, however, or prices would + long ago have been down to zero.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MAB DREAMS OF MAY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The day-dim torches of chestnut trees stand dreamily, dreamily;</p> + <p class="i2">In myriad jewels of glad young green, smooth black are the broad beech boles;</p> + <p>The fragrant foam of the cherry trees hangs creamily, creamily,</p> + <p class="i2">And the purpling lilacs and the blackthorn brakes are singing with all their souls!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The pinky petals of lady's-smocks peer maidenly, maidenly;</p> + <p class="i2">Meadow-sweet, donning her fragrant lace, is daintiest friend of the breeze;</p> + <p>Hyacinths wild, blue-misting the woods, hang ladenly, ladenly,</p> + <p class="i2">And tiniest bird's-eye burns deep blue in thickets of tall grass trees!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Daylong I lie, daylong I dream, swung swooningly, swooningly,</p> + <p class="i2">In an old-time tulip of flaming gold, red-flaunted and streaked with green,</p> + <p>While song of the birds, of water and bees comes crooningly, crooningly,</p> + <p class="i2">And Summer brings me her swift mad months with scent and colour and sheen.</p> + <p class="i16">Winter is gone, I ween,</p> + <p class="i16">As it had never been!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i8"><i>Dance! dance! Delicately dance!</i></p> + <p class="i12"><i>Revel with the delicatest stamp and go!</i></p> + <p class="i8"><i>Dance! dance! Circle and advance,</i></p> + <p class="i12"><i>Curtsey, twirl about,</i></p> + <p class="i12"><i>Shatter the dew and whirl about,</i></p> + <p class="i8"><i>Stamp upon the moonbeams—heel and toe!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span> + +<h3>MORE NEWS FROM THE AIR.</h3> + +<p class="center">THE ALLIES.</p> + + <p>The other day I was in a country house whose owners are so lost to + shame as still to keep pets. There is a dog there which is actually + allowed to eat, in defiance of all those <i>Times'</i> correspondents + whose sole idea of this stimulating and unfailingly devoted animal is + that it is personified greed on four legs. There are two or three horses + of unusual intelligence, which no doubt our friend the Hun would long + since have devoured, but which, even though hunting is over, are by some + odd freak of sentiment or even of loyalty still kept alive. There are + rabbits. And there is a bird in a cage against the wall of a small yard. + This bird is a chaffinch, which a friend had brought over from + France.</p> + + <p>After I had fraternised shamefully with all these deplorable drones, + my hostess drew my attention to the French chaffinch, a fine big fellow, + very tame and cheerful. "We will feed him," she said, "and then you will + see something that happens every day. Something very interesting."</p> + + <p>So saying she poured into a receptacle for the purpose enough seed, no + doubt, to make, mixed with other things, several admirable thimble-loaves + of bread substitute, and told me to watch.</p> + + <p>I watched, and very soon the French chaffinch, having eaten a certain + amount of the seed, dashed his beak amid the rest with such violence that + it was spilt over the pan, out of the bars and down to the ground + below.</p> + + <p>"That's very wasteful," I said. "Lord DEVONPORT wouldn't like + that—Lord DEVONPORT wouldn't;" this being the kind of facetious + thing we are all saying just now, and something facetious being in this + particular house always, for some reason or other, expected of me.</p> + + <p>"Wait a minute," my hostess replied. "There's more reason in it than + you think."</p> + + <p>And there was.</p> + + <p>The whole point of this mediocre narrative consists in the fact that + within a few seconds some dozen sparrows had descended to the yard and + were feeding busily while the chaffinch watched from above. And this + happens at every mealtime.</p> + + <p>To what extent we are contributing to the French Commissariat I cannot + say; but with my own eyes I have seen a French citizen being + systematically generous to his English cousins.</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The sale [of potatoes] started at 6 a.m., and the first omnibus from + London brought over 200 buyers down."—<i>Weekly Dispatch.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>A gross case of overcrowding.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" src="images/277.png" + alt="People don't often fall in." /></a> + <p><i>Civilian </i>(<i>who has been asked to luncheon at outlying + fort</i>). "I SAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LAND BY THAT ABSURD + LITTLE LADDER."</p> + + <p><i>Host.</i> "ROT, OLD CHAP. I'VE HAD THE VERY DICKENS OF A JOB TO + GET YOU A PASS—AND, BESIDES, PEOPLE DON'T OFTEN FALL IN."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>DOUBLE ENTENTE.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>["In view of the fact that M.C. is also the abbreviation for 'Military + Cross' ... it has been recommended that the abbreviations for the degrees + of Bachelor of Surgery and Master of Surgery be altered from B.C. and + M.C. to B.Ch. and M.Ch."]</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>In view of the fact that P.M. is also the abbreviation for Prime + Minister and Post-Mortem, the London and North-Western Railway recommend + that in future the abbreviation for afternoon be A.L. (After + Luncheon).</p> + + <p>In view of the fact that (as every schoolboy knows) D.D. is also the + abbreviation for Double Donkey, the Upper House of Convocation recommend + that in future the abbreviation for Doctor of Divinity be Doc. Div.</p> + + <p>In view of the fact that Q.S. is also the abbreviation for Quarter + Sessions, the Committee of the Pharmaceutical Society recommend that in + future the abbreviation for Quantum Suff. be S.W. (Say When).</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Herbert Spencer made a rough outline of his 'Sympathetic Philosophy' + when forty years old."—<i>Weekly Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Alas! he never lived to fill in the details.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span> + +<h3>A PERSONAL TRIUMPH.</h3> + + <p>Always at the same point of my railway journey North I drop my paper + and wait till a certain trim red-roofed ivy-clad cottage comes into view + across the fields to the right. Till yesterday there were two reasons why + I should hail this cottage with delight. First of all, it stands where + trim cottages are rarer than pit-heads and slag heaps; and, secondly, + GEORGE STEPHENSON once lived there. From now onwards, however, I have a + third and more compelling reason for respecting the old building. You + shall hear.</p> + + <p>Know, then, that I have a friend called Smithson. The Athenians would + have had a short way with him; and I admit that there have been times in + the course of our relationship when hemlock would really have been the + only thing to meet the case. Our conversations (it is no fault of mine) + are always dialectical. They take the following form. Light-heartedly I + enunciate a proposition. Smithson is interested and asks for a clearer + statement. I modify my original position. Smithson purrs. Seeing trouble + imminent, I modify my modification, and from that point onwards I make a + foredoomed but not (as I flatter myself) an unplucky fight against + relentless logic. The elenchus comes soon or late, but it always comes. + Only in dreams am I ever one up on Smithson. The old trick of cramming up + hard parts of the Encyclopædia overnight is no good. I tried it once with + "Hegesippus" and "The Hegira." You don't know what either of these words + mean? Smithson did—and he knew the articles. No doubt he and Mr. + GLADSTONE had written them in collaboration.</p> + + <p>Well, yesterday, Smithson and I were in the neighbourhood of the + cottage which I have told you of. Having an hour to spare from work of + national importance, we took our sandwiches and were eating them in view + of the jolly old house.</p> + + <p>"What's that thing over the door?" I said.</p> + + <p>"That I take to be a sun-dial," said Smithson with his accustomed + reserve of strength.</p> + + <p>"What a delightful stile," I said. (You always have stiles on + sun-dials. I knew that).</p> + + <p>"<i>Quâ</i> stile it is perfect. What do you make of the + inscription?"</p> + + <p>I went at it bald-headed. "<i>Percunt et imputantur</i>," I said.</p> + + <p>"You may be right, of course," replied Smithson, "though it certainly + begins with an A."</p> + + <p>"True," I corrected. "<i>Anno Domini</i>."</p> + + <p>"Conceivably—but the second letter is a U."</p> + + <p>I left Smithson painfully to reconstruct A-U-G-U-S-T from among the + ivy. He had got to the M of a long date when a burst of sun cast a crisp + shadow across the dial.</p> + + <p>"I don't think much of GEORGE STEPHENSON after all," I said. "His + beastly clock doesn't know the right time."</p> + + <p>Smithson snorted. Here was a challenge to the omniscient.</p> + + <p>"That's all right," he said, recovering himself in a moment "All + properly constructed dials have a compensating table; we shall find one + no doubt behind the ivy; there! I see it, to the left—a + compensating table by which you have to correct the actual record of the + shadow. For example, we are now in Lat. 55 N. The month is April. At + Greenwich—"</p> + + <p>But I wasn't listening. A bright truth had flashed into my mind, and I + couldn't hold myself back any longer. "It's just about an hour slow," I + said. "You don't think that Daylight Saving has anything to do with it, + do you?"</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%" src="images/278.png" + alt="Yer needn't keep on surrendering." /></a> + <p><i>Busdriver.</i>—"ALL RIGHT—ALL RIGHT! I SEE YER, YER + NEEDN'T KEEP ON SURRENDERING."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"About twenty-four hours later one of the ship's officers saw + something bobbing on the water a few hundred years dead + ahead."—<i>New York Evening Post.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>America evidently foresees a long war.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE STRIFE OF TONGUES.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Lines suggested by the recent demise of +the inventor of Esperanto.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As a patriotic Briton</p> + <p>I am naturally smitten</p> + <p class="i4">With disgust</p> + <p>When some universal lingo</p> + <p>By a zealous anti-Jingo</p> + <p class="i4">Is discussed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some there are who hold that Spanish</p> + <p>In the end is bound to banish</p> + <p class="i4">Other tongues;</p> + <p>Some again regard Slavonic</p> + <p>As a stimulating tonic</p> + <p class="i4">For the lungs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I would sooner bank on Tuscan,</p> + <p>Ay, or even on Etruscan,</p> + <p class="i4">Than on Erse;</p> + <p>But fanatical campaigners,</p> + <p>Gaelic Leaguers and Sinn Feiners</p> + <p class="i4">Find it terse.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some are moved to have a shy at</p> + <p>Persian, thanks to the <i>Rubáiyát</i>,</p> + <p class="i4">And its ease;</p> + <p>But it's quite another matter</p> + <p>If you're anxious for to chatter</p> + <p class="i4">In Chinese.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To instruct a brainy brat in</p> + <p>Canine or colloquial Latin</p> + <p class="i4"><i>May</i> be wise;</p> + <p>But it's not an education</p> + <p>As a fruitful speculation</p> + <p class="i4">I'd advise.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>French? All elegance equips it,</p> + <p>But how oft on foreign lips it</p> + <p class="i4">Runs awry;</p> + <p>German, tainted, execrated,</p> + <p>Is for ages relegated</p> + <p class="i4">To the sty.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As for brand-new tongues invented</p> + <p>By professors discontented</p> + <p class="i4">With the old,</p> + <p>Well, the prospect of a "panto"</p> + <p>Played and sung in Esperanto</p> + <p class="i4">Leaves me cold.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"One of the most striking—and satisfactory—features of the + new restaurant régime is the disappearance of the + bread-basket."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Or, at any rate, a considerable shrinkage in its contour.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"If there must be duplication of electric light installations, the + apparati might, at least, be made uniform. And it would not be expecting + too much if they were made in some way to harmonise with the telephone + service."—<i>Australian Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Or even with the Latin Grammar?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"5-Seater Car for Sale; must sell; chauffeur at the Front; own body + cost over £73. What offers?—RECTOR."—<i>Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>These personal details seem to us a little out of place in a + commercial transaction.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/279.png"><img width="100%" src="images/279.png" + alt="Why mustn't we have new bread any more?" /></a> + <p><i>John.</i> "BUT WHY MUSTN'T WE HAVE NEW BREAD ANY MORE?"</p> + + <p><i>Joan.</i> "WHY, DON'T YOU SEE, SILLY? IF WE EAT YESTERDAY'S AND + SAVE UP TO-DAY'S THERE'LL ALWAYS BE SOME FOR TO-MORROW. THEN THE + GERMANS CAN'T STARVE US."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i> By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>In these days, when everybody has his reminiscences, there should + still be a welcome for so genial a volume as <i>A Soldier's Memories</i> + (JENKINS), into which Major-General Sir GEORGE YOUNGHUSBAND has gathered + his "Recollections of People, Places and Things." The title truly + indicates the character of the contents, which are exactly what you would + expect from a plain blunt man, who loves his friends, and equally loves a + good story about them, at his own or their expense, impartially. The + anecdotes in the book are legion, and the actors in them range from + troopers to generals, and beyond. KING EDWARD, their present Majesties, + Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ("a nice-looking clean little boy in an Eton jacket and + collar") all figure in the author's pictures of the past, which include + also a highly characteristic study of WILLIAM THE FRIGHTFUL, + congratulating the "citizens of Salisbury," represented by a handful of + curious urchins, upon their "beautiful and ancient cathedral." (One can + fancy the unspoken addition in the Imperial mind, "And what a target for + Bertha!") Many of Sir GEORGE'S pages are devoted to stories of the Boer + campaign, that old unhappy far-off thing that seems somehow, as one looks + back to-day, further off than Waterloo. In fine, a book that all Service + folk, and many besides them, will find a treasure-house of good stories, + of exactly the kind that should be certain of their appeal now, when we + are all, or like to think ourselves, soldiers in the greatest of + England's wars, and inheritors of the traditions here shown in the + making.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A short hour's reading and you will have laid down, with a sigh for + its brevity, a little book that is a very model of artistry. It is by Mr. + E.V. LUCAS, and <i>Outposts of Mercy</i> is its happy name. But I am not + to seek reflected glory by the praising of a colleague; simply for the + sake of the cause that he pleads I wish to commend this fascinating + account of the author's visit, in the company of Lord MONSON, Chief + Commissioner, to the stations of the British Red Cross on the Carso, at + Gorizia and among the Carnic and Julian Alps. Resisting sternly the + temptation to embroider his theme with the distractions of scene and + circumstance (of course he had to tell us of that dinner at the mess of + an Alpine regiment where he met the man who had discovered the "Venus of + Cyrene"), he keeps as closely as may be to his main subject, but cannot + escape from infusing it with his own sense of colour and romance and the + unconscious appeal of his personality. One may envy him his rare + experience, yet fully share his pride in the fearless devotion of the men + and women of our race (one can imagine it of no other) in these perilous + and lonely outposts of mercy. A little paper book, illustrated with + little photographs, and costing just a shilling. The author and his + publishers (METHUEN) are devoting the profits to the British Red Cross; + so you who buy and read it—and I don't see how anybody can + refuse—may extract a claim to virtue from an hour of pure + delight.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A quiet style, keen powers of observation, and a delightful assumption + of his own unimportance combine to make Mr. FREDERICK PALMER'S <i>With + the New Army on the Somme</i> (MURRAY) a book that will be read long + after the Hun has returned to the place from which he came. "Those whose + business it was to observe, the six correspondents ... went and came + always with a sense of incapacity and sometimes with a feeling that + writing was a worthless business when others were fighting." There we + have his <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" id="page280"></a>[pg + 280]</span> apology for doing what obviously seemed to him a second-best + thing; but much as I like his modesty I can assure him that no finer + tribute has yet been paid to our new army. Mr. PALMER was the accredited + American correspondent at the British Front, and though the days are + happily passed when he was a neutral in name his position as an impartial + spectator gives him an advantage denied to the most veracious of our own + correspondents. Our French Allies too may be congratulated, by themselves + as well as by us, on being observed by eyes so shrewd and friendly. "No + two French soldiers seem quite alike on the march or when moving about a + village on leave. Each seems three beings—one a Frenchman, one a + soldier, a third himself." Anyone who has been in the war-zone and seen a + French regiment resting cannot fail to be struck by the acuteness of this + remark; indeed it provides the key to what, for an ordinary British mind, + is a puzzle. It is one of Mr. PALMER'S many virtues that, although his + main business was to watch the soldiers and the fighting, he never + forgets the man inside the uniform. This gives to his historical record + the added interest of a study in psychology.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Unspeakable Perk</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) and his attendant + puppets are, to put it kindly, selected from the stock characters of + Lesser American Fiction. There is the "radiant" heroine from + Squeedunkville, Wis. (or Mass.); the tame Poppa with the simoleons, the + hero heavily disguised as a worm, and a worm or so to do the real heavy + worming when the hero's turn comes to pull off the grand-stand play (this + doesn't sound like English but it is really the standard "line of talk" + in Lesser American Fiction). And last but not least there is the "fiery" + Southerner. In real life Southerners are melancholy men with a tendency + to <i>embonpoint</i> and clawhammer coats of ante-bellum design. But in + Lesser American Fiction they are for some undiscovered reason always + "fiery." To the fiery one the heroine "unconsciously turns" when the + apparent earmarks of the hero's wormhood are dramatically revealed, and + of course she hands him what she would probably describe as the "sister" + stuff when the gentleman emerges in his natural colours. That is what + makes the story-book Southerner so fiery. Place these complex characters + in an imaginary Carribean Republic, a sort of transpontine Ruritania; add + a revolution fostered by the serpentine diplomats of a European power; + let the American eagle issue a few screams, and there you have the + environment in which <i>The Unspeakable Perk</i> lives and moves and has + his unreal being. The keynote of SAMUEL HOPKINS ADAMS' story is what the + <i>Perk</i> person would describe as a want of "pep." Even the villains + turn out to be comparative gentlemen in the end, the dirty work being + conveniently fastened upon some "person or persons unknown." The yarn is + well enough to wile away an hour; but in these days of burning realities + fiction has lost its bite unless it too is informed with the spirit of + reality.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>I have to warn you that the early chapters of <i>The</i> <i>Moulding + Loft</i> (METHUEN) are liable to plunge you into some mental agitation, + due to the author's deliberately baffling method of starting her plot. + The hero, for example, is introduced to us abed, and semi-delirious, + waited upon by a pale and sinister young female whom he detests. He + appears to be in a house strange to him, which contains also an + unpleasant old woman and a queer little boy whose behaviour is wrop in + mystery. Slowly, perhaps somewhat too slowly, it is revealed that the + hero has been knocked silly by a large stone dropped upon his unoffending + head by the small boy. But why? And why does the child protest his + innocence with such apparent good faith? These problems I must leave + MARGARET WESTRUP (Mrs. W. STACEY) to resolve in her own unhurried way. Of + course before long the "little aversion" between hero and heroine gives + place to an emotion more appropriate. But there remains an obstacle to + their union, one concerned (also, of course) with the detestable + grandmother and the mysterious small boy. Shall I give you one clue? + Somebody is mad; nor is it (as you may at one time have been tempted to + suppose) either the author or reader. More than this wild horses should + not extort from me. But I confess to a rewarding thrill and a very + grateful relief when the mystery was finally cleared up. A good and + interesting book, both for its plot and for some very agreeable Cornish + scenes, which would have been even more welcome had the delectable Duchy + not already engaged the pens of our novelists more than enough.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mrs. "J.E. BUCKROSE" is one of those writers whose work can always be + depended upon. A pinch of pathos, a <i>soupçon</i> of sentiment, a spice + of humour—there you have the recipe, and a very palatable mixture + it makes. The common element that pervades the dozen stories which + compose <i>War-Time in Our Street</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), all in the + author's best manner, is the staunch devotion to duty displayed by her + heroines under stress of war. Pangs of hunger are endured nobly, + hard-hearted folk are softened, lonely women fight and win the battle + against depression. If these pictures of life behind the windows of our + village streets are too <i>couleur de BUCKROSE</i> to be quite true, + there is nevertheless a real quality in them. They are not for the cynic, + but for readers who can appreciate simple tales of simple people, told + without affectation.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/280.png"><img width="100%" src="images/280.png" + alt="Have you seen a cigarette-holder anywhere?" /></a> + <p><i>The Airman.</i> "I SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN A CIGARETTE-HOLDER ANYWHERE + ABOUT? I DROPPED MINE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS FLYING OVER THIS PLACE."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"To shoot well at fixed targets, after the range has been exactly + registered, as in trench warfare, is one thing, but front and pick up + distances smarly, is quite to trot into action, unlimber and form action + another, and this is where many phophets anticipated our new Army would + be found wanting, but prophecy is becoming a profitless business in this + war."—<i>Bath Herald.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Well, why not try proof-reading as a change?</p> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Rector nominated Mr. C. Yells as his warden. Captain Noyes was + appointed sidesman."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Otherwise the proceedings seem to have gone off quietly.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, April 25, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15064-h.htm or 15064-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/0/6/15064/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 25, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 15, 2005 [EBook #15064] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +April 25th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +THE _Gazette des Ardennes_ states that German is becoming a more and more +"popular tongue" in the occupied districts. The inhabitants, we understand, +are looking forward with great pleasure to telling the Huns in German what +they have always thought of them in French. + + *** + +It is now reported that, following the example of Professor SMYTHE, of +Chicago, a number of distinguished Americans have bequeathed their brains +to the Cornell Institute for scientific research. The rumour that the +German CROWN PRINCE has offered the contents of his headpiece awaits +confirmation. + + *** + +The British offensive has been arrested, says the _Vossische Zeitung_. +Presumably for exceeding the speed limit. + + *** + +A gossip-writer says he is of the opinion that there will be a great +revolution in Germany and that the KAISER will be at the head of it. It +would be only decent to give him, say, a couple of lengths start. + + *** + +Over one million persons visited the Zoo last year. The chief attraction +appears to have been a German gentleman from the Cameroons who is being +accommodated in the Monkey House. + + *** + +A North London employer is advertising for men "any age up to one hundred +years." The nature of the employment is not stated, but it is generally +assumed to be akin to that of our telegraph boys. + + *** + +A woman shopper in Regent Street one day last week was accompanied by a +white parrot. It is thought that this example will be widely followed by +people who are not particularly good at repartee. + + *** + +Count REVENTLOW has informed the KAISER that without victory a continuation +of the Monarchy is improbable. The KAISER is expected to retort that +without the Monarchy the continuation of Count REVENTLOW is still more +precarious. + + *** + +"Have you not thought," asked a distinguished cleric recently, "that all +this bad weather may be a punishment for working on Sundays?" For our part +we are convinced that our cynical abandonment of the sacred practice of +throwing rice at weddings has had something to do with it. + + *** + +It was stated in Parliament last week that up to April 6th only 2,800 +persons had been placed in employment by the National Service Department. +The Government, it was felt, could have done better than that by the simple +process of creating another new Department. + + *** + +[Illustration: SCOTLAND FOR EVER!] + + *** + +The _Journal_ in a recent message states that the British have ample +supplies of ammunition. The Germans near St. Quentin and Lens also incline +to this view. + + *** + +A resident of Northfleet, who wrote to a friend in Philadelphia in 1893, +has just had the letter returned to him through the American Dead Letter +Office. It is only fair to state that the letter was not marked "Urgent." + + *** + +Fortunately in our hour of need one man at least has undertaken to do his +best for his country. Mr. FRANK HARRIS has told an American newspaper man +that he does not intend to return to Great Britain. + + *** + +Owing to the increased cost of beer, several seaside resorts are announcing +to intending visitors that they cannot guarantee a visit from the +sea-serpent this summer. + + *** + +April 14th is said to be "Cuckoo Day" in this country, but several days +before that the KAISER promised political reform to his people after the +War. + + *** + +The other night a motor car driven by a French aviator, who was accompanied +by three friends, made a tour of Paris, in the course of which it ran down +six policemen. It is evident that the gallant fellow could not have been +trying. + + *** + +_The Star_ is advocating the abolition of betting news in the daily papers, +and it is rumoured that its "Captain Cue" is prepared to offer ten to one +that this good thing won't come off. + + *** + +As a protest against the Government's attitude towards _The Nation_ it is +rumoured that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is about to buy another hat. + + *** + +A safe which had been stolen from a Dublin business house has now been +discovered in a field nine miles away, but the whole of the contents are +missing. It is believed to be the work of burglars. + + *** + +Potatoes are being grown on all the golf links around London. An enthusiast +who is cultivating the ninth hole on one course is offering long odds that +bogey will be not less than two tons. + + *** + +An electrical engineer has been sent as a substitute for a milker to a +Sussex farmer, who, with the characteristic obstinacy of his class, refuses +to accept the expert's assurance that all his cows are suffering from dry +cells. + + *** + +A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ claims that there are no railway stations +in Stoke Newington. It seems incredible that the artistic sense of a +Metropolitan community could be so hopelessly stunted. + + *** + +The axe is being laid to the roots of our trees by the so-called weaker +sex; and the proper way of toasting the new woodwoman is to sing, "For +she's a jolly good feller." + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT SACRIFICE. + + Dark lies the way before us, O my sweet! + Never again, until the final trumpet + Shall sound the Cease-fire, may our glances meet + Over the Sally Lunn or crisp brown crumpet; + Never again (the prospect makes my soul, + Unnerved by going beefless once a week, ache) + Shall you and I absorb the jammy roll + Nor yet the toasted tea-cake. + + Never for us shall any fancy bread-- + The food of vernal Love, and very tasty-- + On lip and cheek its subtle savour shed, + Blent with the lighter forms of Gallic pasty; + Never shall any bun, for you and me, + Impart to amorous talk a fresh momentum, + Except its saccharine ingredients be + Confined to ten per centum. + + The days of decorative art are done + That made the toothsome biscuit more enticing + (Even our wedding-cake when we are one + Will be denuded of its outer icing); + Yea, purest joy of all that we resign, + A ban is laid upon the luscious tartlet + By him who has for your sweet tooth and mine + No mercy in his heartlet. + + And yet, if England, in her night of need, + Debauched by pastry-cook and muffin-monger, + Would have us curb our natural gift of greed + And merely mitigate the pangs of hunger, + Let us renounce life's sweetness from to-day, + And turn, for Hobson's choice, to something higher; + "Good-bye, Criterion!" let us bravely say, + And "Farewell, Rumpelmeyer!" + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +A PROPER PROPORTION. + +(_An Interview with Mr. H.G. WELLS_). + +I found the Sage, as I had expected, in his study at Omniscience Lodge. +There he sat in his new suit of Britlings, surrounded by novels and stories +in MS. dealing with every aspect of human affairs, sixty of the more +important being specifically devoted to the War and the various ways in +which it might conceivably terminate. I modestly approached and presented +myself. + +"You have come," he said with a courteous gesture, "to discover my views on +the present conflict?" + +"Not exactly," I said. + +"Ah," he said; "which is it, then? You can take your choice, you know. All +you have to do is to select the subject," and he handed me a volume +resembling _Kelly's Directory_ in size and colour, and entitled +"_Classified Catalogue of Subjects on which Opinions can be furnished at +the Shortest Notice_." I turned the pages breathlessly until I came to +"Class V, Voter; sub-class P, Proportional Representation." "There," I +said, "is what I want," and I pointed the place out to him. + +"Dear me," he said, "you desire guidance on a very simple matter." + +"Well," I said, "I'm not so sure about that. It has rather flummoxed us in +our office. We can't make head or tail--" + +"You may thank your stars," he interrupted, "that you've come to the right +shop. I'll make it all as clear as daylight in two shakes of a pig's +whisker. Are you ready?" + +I said I was, and he began to pour forth at once. + +"Imagine," he said, "a constituency of 40,000 voters who elect four +representatives. Obviously anyone who gets 40,001 votes is elected. Well +then, there are ten candidates. All you have to do is to take the quotient +of _x_ divided by _y_, where _x_ can be raised to the _n_th power and _y_ +can be raised to the _n_th-1, and add to this the least common denominator +of the number of votes cast for the last three candidates, taking care to +eliminate in each case the square root of _z_, where _z_ equals the number +of voters belonging to the Church of England, _minus_ Archdeacons and Rural +Deans, but inclusive of Minor Canons and Precentors. Do you follow me?" + +"Ye-es," I said. + +"I thought you would," he said. "Next we proceed to take the multiples of +the superhydrates mathematically converted into decimals, and then, +allowing, of course, for the kilometric variation of the earth's maximum +temperature reduced by the square of the hypotenuse, you begin the delicate +operation of transferring votes from one candidate to another in packets of +not less than one hundred. That's easy, isn't it?" + +"Oh, yes," I said, "that's quite easy." + +"Very well then," he said. "You have now got two candidates elected, A. and +B. You take from them 653 votes, which do not legitimately belong to them, +and you mix them up with the surplus votes of the remaining eight +candidates. Unless C. is a congenital idiot, or a felon, or otherwise +incapacitated, he will then be found to have 4,129 votes, and he too will +be elected. For the last place you must proceed on a basis of geometrical +progression. There are still seven candidates, but four of these have no +earthly and must be withdrawn by a writ of _Ne exeat regno_, taking with +them the 2,573 votes which are properly or improperly theirs, and leaving +3,326 votes to be added to those already recorded for D., who, being thus +elected into the position of fourth letter of the alphabet, will be +returned as elected on the Temperance and Vegetarian ticket. So finally you +get your members duly elected without the blighting interference of the +Caucus and the party wire-pullers generally. You see that, of course?" + +"Yes," I said, "I suppose I see it." + +"Of course you do, and the others will see it too. And they'll realise that +the House of Commons will be a different place when the old system is +destroyed and every shade of opinion is represented. But what chiefly +appeals to me in it is its extraordinary simplicity and perspicuous ease. A +child could perform the duties of counter or returning officer, and any +voter, male or female, can master the system in about five minutes." + +I thanked Mr. WELLS for his courtesy and staggered dizzily back to Bouverie +Street. + + * * * * * + +On "How to Dig," from a recently-published military manual:-- + + "To dig well one must dig often. Any series of complex co-ordinated + movements can be performed with the greatest economy of effort only + when they have become semi-reflex; and for this to happen the + correlated series of nervous impulses must be linked up by higher + development of the brain cells." + +A spade is useful, too. + + * * * * * + + "I did not hear yesterday of the insufficiency of bread supplied at + Restaurants being made up by cakes and guns brought from home."--_Irish + Paper._ + +We have heard, however, of an insufficiency of alcoholic refreshment being +made up by a "pocket-pistol." + + * * * * * + + "After all, the custom of marrying only into Royal houses came to us + from Germany, and dates from the Hanoverians.... The case of Henry + VIII. is well known. Four of his wives were plain Englishwomen...."-- + _Sunday Herald._ + +Not so plain, however, as the German one, ANNE OF CLEVES. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CANNON-FODDER--AND AFTER. + +KAISER (_to 1917 Recruit_). "AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR KAISER WILL FIND A +USE FOR YOU--ALIVE OR DEAD." + +[At the enemy's "Establishment for the Utilisation of Corpses" the dead +bodies of German soldiers are treated chemically, the chief commercial +products being lubricant oils and pigs' food.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aunt._ "THIS IS A TERRIBLE WAR. ALL OF US MUST GO WITHOUT +SOMETHING." + +_R.F.C. Officer._ "WELL, I TRY TO BE BRAVE ABOUT IT, AUNT. BUT THIS +ZEPPELIN SHORTAGE HITS ME VERY HARD."] + + * * * * * + +THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. + +I. + +_Lewis Gun Officer._--... So let me repeat and impress upon you, men, that +the rifle is an effete weapon--extinct as the--what-you-call-it bird. It +played its part, a good part, in the South African War, but we who observed +what the machine gun did then and foretold its immense development [_he was +just nine years old at that time_] knew that the rifle would soon be in the +museums along with the bows and arrows. Pay attention, Private Jones. The +Lewis Gun, the weapon of opportunity, is a platoon in itself. _I_ don't +know what the Government want to worry about men for. The Germans don't +fill up their front trenches with a lot of soldiers to be killed with +shrapnel. No, a machine gun every twenty or thirty yards is quite enough to +hold any defensive line. So just bear these things in mind; and don't +forget what we have learnt to-day. All right. Nine o'clock to-morrow. + +II. + +_Physical Training Sergeant-Instructor._--Forward be--end. Ster--retch. +Be--end. Ster--retch. Feet together--place. 'Ands--down. Stan--zee. Squad +--'shun. Fingers straight, that man. Wotjer say? WOT? I can't 'elp wot the +drill-sergeant tells yer. When I sez "'Shun" I want fingers _straight +down_. On the command "Sitting--_down_" every man sits _down_ tailor- +fashion. Sitting--_down_. [_This is the position in which Swedish drill +squads hear words of wisdom._] Listen. An' look at me over there--not that +I likes the look of yer--'as to put up with that, but when I torks I wants +attention. Let me arsk yer this. Wot sort of men do we want in France? Why, +fit men. 'Ow do yer get fit? _I_ makes yer fit. 'Ow? Why, physical. Wot's +the good of a bloke in the trenches if he's sick parade every bloomin' day? +Arsk any of the serjents who is it wakes blokes up and makes 'em live men? +_Me._ In about six weeks you will be able to run ten miles before brekfast +in full marchin' order, carryin' 120 rounds, gettin' over six-foot walls +and jumpin' eight-foot ditches. Don't look _frightened_, Private West. I +'ave seen weedier and uglier-lookin' blokes than you do it when _I_'ve done +with 'em. One more thing.... + +III. + +_Musketry Officer._--... Therefore you see an infantry soldier has one +weapon and one only--the _rifle_. You fellows will be out at the Front +pretty soon. Now, if a man gets up the line, no matter how strong he is, +how well drilled, if he can't use his rifle he might just as well not be +there for all the good he is to his country. All the money that's been +spent on his trainin', food, clothin'--absolutely wasted; might as well +have been thrown into the sea. Why, the other day a party of our fellows +were heavin' bombs at about twenty Bosches--threw _hundreds_; couldn't +reach 'em. And _one_ sniper went out and killed the lot in two minutes. And +so ... + +IV. + +_Sergeant-Instructor of Bayonet-Fighting._--On guard. Long point. Withdraw. +On guard. Rest. Now, when I snap my fingers I want to see you come to the +high port and get roun' me _like lightning_. Some of you men seem to be +treatin' this bizness in a light-'earted way. We don't do _this_ work to +prevent you gettin' into mischief. Not much. Wotjer join the army for? To +fight. Right. I shows yer how to fight. 'Ow many Fritzes jer think I've +killed, by teachin' rookies the proper use of the baynit? This is _the +goods_. 'Ow are we goin' to win this bloomin' war? With the rifle? No. With +bombs? No. With machine guns? No. 'Ow then? By turnin' 'em out with the +baynit. Cold steel. That's it. An' I'll show yer where to pop it in, me +lads--three inches of it. That's all you want--three inches ... (_For sheer +bloodthirstiness there is no patter like that of the Bayonet Department._) + +V. + +_Bombing Officer._--Sit down. Smoke if you want to--and listen. My job is +to teach you fellers all about what has turned out to be of the highest +importance in this trench warfare, namely, bombs and grenades. This is a +trench war; has been for three years. The nature of the fighting may alter, +of course. We all hope it will. But we must think of _trenches_ at the +moment. Now, the German is a clever feller, and he soon saw that you'd +never kill off the enemy if you just sat down behind a parapet with a rifle +in your hand. So he started inventing and developing these things. But +we're catching him up. We've caught him up. Now, this is a Mills ... + +VI. + +_The Adjutant_ (_after two hours' extended order drill and attack +practice_).--Just sit down. Close in a bit. Light your pipes if you wish. +Let me tell you that the sort of work we've been doing this afternoon is +the _only_ way we're ever going to finish off the Hun--absolutely. You can +never win a war by squatting down in a hole and lookin' at the other +fellow. No, open fighting--that's what the new armies have got to learn. I +fear it's been badly neglected; but not in _this_ battalion. Now, with +regard to the screen of skirmishers, I want ... + +VII. + +_Drill Sergeant._--On 'er left, form--squad. For--erd, by the ri.' +Mark--time. For--erd. Wake up, Thomson; we don't want no blinkin' +_dreamers_ in the Army. Pick up the step there, Number Three, fron' rank. +'Ep, ri'; 'ep, ri'; 'ep, ri. Sker-wad--'alt. Stan' still. 'Alt means 'alt. +No movin' at all; just 'alt. Right--dress. Eyes--front. 'Swer. Eyes--front. +Stanat--'ipe. 'Swer. Stanat--'ipe. Stan' easy. Now listen to me, me lads. +The chiefest dooty of a soljer is O-bedience. Drill an' discipline is 'ow +you gets that. Stop chewin, 'Arris. You'll be losin' your name again, me +lad. Don't pay to lose your name twice--not in this regiment it don't. +You'll learn a deal of other stuff 'ere; but take it from me it's the +barrick-square work wot makes a soljer. Wot _is_ a soljer? Why, a _drilled_ +man. 'Ow jer think I 'ave turned some 'undreds of blankety militiamen into +the real thing? If a bloke can't stan' still on parade _I_ don't want to +hear about his doin's on the range or 'ow he can chuck a Mills. Sker-wad-- +'shun. Dis--miss. 'Swer. No call to go salootin' me, Private McKenzie. I +ain't an orficer--_yet_. Dis--miss. + +_Private Jones_ (_young and keen, and a trifle confused_).--Good 'evins, +Bill; they carn't _all_ be bloomin' well right, can they? + +_Lance-Corporal Smith._--No, boy. It's the 'appy mejium we gets wiv 'em +all, yer see. That's it--the happy mejium. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sentry._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" + +_Officer._ "VISITING ROUNDS." + +_Sentry._ "ADVANCE ONE AND RECOGNISE YERSELF."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NOTE IN THEATRICAL ADVERTISING. + + (_The sort of thing we are now getting in the daily papers in place of + the antique boastings of expenditure and magnificence._) + + FRIVOLITY THEATRE. + +On Monday next, at 8 o'clock, will be +produced + + _THE BELLE OF BELLONA_, + + A NEW MUSICAL ECONOMANZA IN TWO ACTS. + + _Largely reduced Orchestra._ + + Cheap Jokes. Old Scenery. + + * * * * * + + _DUST OF BABYLON_ + + AT THE EMPEROR'S THEATRE. + + AN UNSPECTACULAR TALE OF THE EAST. + + Practically no Costumes. + +_Support the production that saves money on +wardrobe expenses._ + + * * * * * + +We understand that Miss Taka Topnote, the well-known revue artiste, is +bringing an action for defamation against the dramatic editor of _The +Morning Chatterbox_, who recently published a statement that her salary was +fifteen hundred a week. The lady informs us that as a matter of fact she is +now drawing thirty-five shillings, with half fees for matinees. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Buckram, the famous actor-manager, writes: "A great deal of nonsense +has been published about the so-called stupendous sums supposed to be +expended on my shows. How such stories get about I am at a loss to imagine. +Thus my present entertainment is reported to have cost me L25,000 before +the curtain rose. All I can say is that, were this the case, the curtain +would never have risen at all. To speak by the book (which anyone is at +full liberty to inspect) I find my total initial outlay to have been L43 +11s. 5d., inclusive of free drinks at the dress-rehearsal. All the +members of my cast are paid as little as possible, usually in postage- +stamps." + + * * * * * + +It is stated that the new problem play shortly to be produced at the +Vegeterion Theatre will be unique in the matter of economy. It will be +played throughout upon a bare stage, the scene represented being "A Theatre +during Rehearsal." The cast will be entirely composed of stage hands and +dramatic students; moreover, as both the dialogue and situations have been +gratuitously borrowed from other works of a similar character, there will +be no author's fees. The very gratifying result of these measures is that +the management is enabled to present to the public an entertainment that +has cost _nothing at all_. Patriotism could no further go. + + * * * * * + +"Meanwhile, the turnip trade is booming, and prices going higher: People +seem to be talking to them in place of potatoes."--_Newcastle Evening +Chronicle._ + +Yes, and their language is often very regrettable. + + * * * * * + +TO FRANCE. + + If so it be for every generous thought + Spring scents are sweeter yet. + For every task with high endeavour wrought + Earth's gems are fairer set-- + Primrose and violet; + + If for each noble dream in dormant seed + The life-spark stirs and glows; + If for the fame of each heroic deed + Some bloom the lovelier grows-- + White lily or red rose; + + Then, France, thou shouldst be lavish of thy flowers + For all our dead and thine, + And for all women's tears, or thine or ours, + Put forth some tender sign-- + Heartsease or eglantine. + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +THE JUDGMENT OF THE ASS. + +VII. + +It was in the year that the donkey was elected judge, because only he and +the mule came to vote and the mule spoiled his voting-paper. + +The weasel came before the court to make a serious complaint against the +rat. + +"Most learned judge," said the weasel, "the rat came to me for advice. +'Tell me,' he said, 'how I can obtain a delicious piece of cheese I have +seen.' I showed him how he could get it. He ate the cheese, and since then +he has not ceased to revile me." + +"Most unjust," said the judge. "What has the rat to say?" + +"The rat does not appear," said the mule, who was usher. + +"And why not?" asked the judge. + +"He is still in the trap," said the usher. + +"I showed him the way in," said the weasel proudly. + +"But not the way out," said the rat's prospective widow. + +"He only asked me how he could get the cheese, and I showed him," said the +weasel. + +"The weasel shall have the reward of virtue," said the judge. "As for the +rat I shall fine him for contempt of court in not appearing." + +"Justice!" cried the rat's prospective widow. "I demand my husband." + +"You shall have him," said the ass. "I order the weasel to show you the way +into the trap." + + * * * * * + +An Indian Circus handbill:-- + +"Programme of the Bengal Grand Cirkcus Co: +Performings begin P.P.M. + +PART I. + +1. Some horses will make very good tricks. + +2. The Klown will come and talk with the horses therefore audience will +laugh itself very much. + +3. The lady will walk on horses back when horses jumping very much. + +4. The Klown will make a joking word and lady will become too angry, then +Klown will run himself away. + +5. The boy he will throw a ball to upside and he will catch the ball in +downward journey. + +6. This is very jumping tricks. + +PART II. + +1. One man will make so tricks on trapees that audience will fraid himself +very much. + +2. Some dogs will play and role himself in the mud. + +3. This is the grand display of tricks. + +4. The lady will make himself so bend that everyone he will think that he +is rubber lady. + +5. The man will walk on wire tight. He is doing so nicely because he is +professor of that. + +6. Then will come grand dramatic. + +NOTICE. + +No stick will be allowed in the spectators and he shall not smoke also." + + * * * * * + +EXCELSIOR. + + "Our ascent to the sun makes our enemy envious."--_Koelnische Zeitung._ + + The night fell fast, but faster still + A youth came down the darkening hill, + A super-youth, whose super-flag + Flaunted the strange but hackneyed brag, + "Excelsior!" + + His eyes betrayed through gold-rimmed prism + Myopia and astigmatism; + But, head in air, he proudly strode, + Declaiming down the fatal road, + "Excelsior!" + + The sign-posts clustered left and right + And waved their arms towards the height; + He heeded not, but through the mist + Plunged steeply down and fiercely hissed, + "Excelsior!" + + "Put on the brake!" Experience said; + "The stars, my boy, are overhead; + The pit of Tophet's deep and wide." + A sudden snarl of hate replied, + "Excelsior!" + + "O stay," cried Sanity, "and cool + Thy fevered head in yonder pool!" + The balefire smouldered in his eye, + And still he muttered, hurtling by, + "Excelsior!" + + "Beware the awful precipice! + Beware the bottomless abyss!" + This was Discretion's last Good-night. + He gurgled, as he dropped from sight, + "Excelsior!" + + At day-break, when the punctual sun + Explored the hill-tops one by one, + And scoured the solitary steep, + An echo rose from out the deep, + "Excelsior!" + + And, from the deeper depths that lay + Beyond the farthest reach of day, + A thin voice wailed, and, mocking it, + Crackled the laughter of the pit, + "Excelsior!" + + * * * * * + +SOME JUMBO. + +"Jumbo, the giant elephant of the Stosch-Parasani Circus in Berlin, has +been killed for food, telegraphs the Amsterdam correspondent of The Daily +Express. He yielded fifty-five tons of flesh."--_Evening Paper (Glasgow)._ + +If this statement had not come from Amsterdam we should have found some +difficulty in believing it. + + * * * * * + +"At a meeting of the King George High School, Kasauli: 'Resolved, that the +school be closed for to-day to commemorate the recapture of Kut, for which +permission has been so kindly accorded by Pundit Hari Das Sahib, M.A.'"-- +_Indian Paper._ + +We are all, General MAUDE included, very much obliged to the Pundit. + + * * * * * + +A MISNOMER. + +Once upon a time, in the midst of the most detestable Spring ever known--a +Spring consisting entirely of hopes of better weather, raised for no other +purpose than to be so thwarted and dashed that the spirits of that brave +and much harassed creature, man, might sink still lower--once upon a time, +even in this Spring, there was a fine evening. It was more than fine, it +was tender, and, owing to a North wind, wonderfully luminous, and I walked +slowly along the hedges--which were still bare, although April was far +advanced--and listened to the blackbirds, and marvelled at the light that +made everything so beautiful, and was filled with gratitude to the late +WILLIAM WILLETT for re-arranging our foolish hours. + +I soon reached a favourite meadow, with a view of the hills and clumps of +gorse in it, and, since there were clumps of gorse, many, many of those +alluring little creatures which live in the ground and provide man with +numbers of benefits--such as sweet flesh to put into pies; and cheap, soft, +warm fur to wrap Baby Buntings in; and stubby tails, or scuts, to be used +in hot-houses for transferring pollen that peach-blossoms may be +fertilised, and (latterly) symbols for Government clerks who prefer +civilian clothes and comfort to khaki and warfare; and (in Wales) toasted +cheese. I refer to rabbits. + +As I stood motionless in this meadow watching the yellowing sky, I was +aware of an Homeric contest quite close to me. Two rabbits wore engaged in +a terrific battle. They kicked and they scratched and made the most furious +attacks on each other. The fur flew and the ground resounded to their +thuds. First one seemed to be winning and then the other, but there was no +flinching. + +I had heard of rabbits fighting, but I had never seen it before. "Very +unfair to have called them Cuthberts," I said to myself. + + * * * * * + + "The ---- Company have several second-hand cars for sale, starter and + non-starter models; petrol consumption low."--_The Autocar._ + +Particularly that of the non-starters. + + * * * * * + + "Good General: sold cheap if taken over this week; good reasons for + leaving."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +Can this be HINDENBURG? + + * * * * * + + "The Rev. Stuart Holden, on behalf of the Strength of Britain Movement, + spoke of the enthusiasm for prohibition of audiences throughout the + country."--_The Times._ + +We understand, however, that this enthusiasm for the prohibition of +audiences has not yet extended to the theatrical profession. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPORTING DAYS WITH THE FOOD-PRODUCER'S STAFF.] + + * * * * * + +THE FOOD QUESTION. + +RATIONING AT THE ZOO. + +"In the Northern area," says a despatch from Mr. POCOCK, "a, period of +inactivity has set in which is partly due to the fact that the dromedary +has been placed on a vegetarian diet. There has been a cold snap in the +crocodile house. Three of our keepers have disappeared." + +An attempt to substitute salsify for bloaters in the dietary of the +sea-lion was not successful. + +Complaints have been received from the elephant-house to the effect that +buns sold for the benefit of the occupants have not reached their +destination. Should this abuse continue it will be necessary to make +arrangements to have every child under the age of twelve submitted to an +X-ray examination before leaving the Gardens. + +The use of human food for the nourishment of animals is, however, being +discouraged; and for the future guinea-pigs and broken glass will be the +staple diet of boa-constrictors and ostriches respectively. Peppermint- +balls for grizzly bears are to be discontinued; also egg-nogg for +anthropoid apes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Alice_ (_saying her prayers, after a quarrel with her +sister_). "AND, PLEASE GOD, BLESS BETTY." + +_Betty._ "DON'T YOU DARE TO PRAY FOR ME!"] + + * * * * * + +HINTS TO YOUNG FOOD-PRODUCERS. + +_Jugged Hare._--A well-known firm of hare-raisers in Carmelite Street +informs us that young rabbits fed on sponge-cake soaked in port wine have a +flavour which renders them indistinguishable from hare. + +_Celeriac._---This appetising vegetable has been little cultivated owing to +a general but erroneous belief that it was the name of a new kind of +motor-car. "Celeriac" is of course a compound of the word "celery" and the +Arabic suffix "ac," which means "bearing a resemblance to" or "a small +imitation of." Thus it would be correct for the writer to speak of the +salariac he earns by writing this sort of thing. + +[_Note._--"Earns" would _not_ be correct.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +NAVIGATION EXTRAORDINARY. + + "Although the stern and screws of the vessel were well out of the water + she was able to make the port under her own steam."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + + "Portatoes in the usual forms have disappeared this week.--LORNA."-- + _British Weekly._ + +These must be the Devonportatoes of which we have heard so much. + + * * * * * + +AT BEST. + + [Baron MORITZ FERDINAND VON BISSING, the German Military Governor- + General of Belgium, the murderer of Nurse CAVELL and instigator of the + infamous Belgian deportations, after being granted a rest from his + labours, is reported to have died "of overwork."] + + Tired of pillaging and sacking, + Tired of bludgeoning and whacking, + Tired of torturing and racking, + BISSING takes his "rest." + + For the sport of shooting nurses, + Gloating o'er his victims' hearses, + Answering appeals with curses, + He had lost his zest. + + All his diabolic striving + To intensify slave-driving + Could not slay the soul surviving + In a Nation's breast. + + Still the flame burns ever brighter + Underneath the blouse or mitre; + Still the smitten greets the smiter + With undaunted crest; + + While the arch-tormentor, flying + From the hell about him lying, + Mid the fire and worm undying + Takes his endless rest. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WANING OF FAITH. + +GUARDIAN OF STATUE. "YOU WISH TO HAMMER ANOTHER NAIL INTO THE COLOSSUS OF +OUR HINDENBURG?" + +EX-ENTHUSIAST. "NO; I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, April 17th._--The re-opening of the House of Commons found Lord +FISHER in his accustomed place over the clock. What is the lure that brings +him so often to the Peers' Gallery? I think it must be his strong sense of +duty. As Chairman of the Inventions Board he feels he ought to lose no +opportunity of adding to his stock. + +Quite the most striking feature of the afternoon was the pink shirt worn by +a well-known Scottish Member, whose name I refrain from mentioning to spare +him any additional blushes. It was of such an inflammatory hue that his +brother-legislators at first took it for a well-developed case of measles +(probably German) and sheered off accordingly. Nobody knows what caused him +to indulge in the rash act, but it is hoped in the interests of coherent +debate that he will not do it again. + +Mr. DILLON was so much disturbed by the apparition that, having started out +to demand an immediate General Election unless the Government at once +granted Home Rule to the whole of Ireland, he finished by declaring that he +would be satisfied if they would promise to reform the franchise on the +lines proposed by the SPEAKER'S Conference. Incidentally he drew a fancy +picture of himself and his colleagues striving consistently for thirty-five +years to convert their brother-Irishmen to constitutional methods; from +which I infer that Mr. DILLON, very wisely, does not make a study of his +own old speeches. + +[Illustration: PAPER SHORTAGE AT A GENERAL ELECTION. + +[The Political Slate (with Sponge) has its obvious compensations.]] + +As the engineer of two successive extensions of the life of Parliament Mr. +ASQUITH offered whole-souled support to the proposal to give a third +renewal to its lease. Apart from anything else, how could a General +Election be satisfactorily conducted when there was a shortage of paper and +posters were prohibited? "What's the matter with slates?" whispered a +Member from Wales. If every Candidate paraded his constituency sandwiched +between a couple of slates showing the details of his political programme, +it would certainly add to the gaiety of the nation, besides providing an +easy method of expunging such items as in the course of the contest might +prove unpopular. + +A good many silly things have been said in the last month or two about +HINDENBURG and his imaginary "line," but the silliest of all perhaps was +the remark of _The Nation_ that the German retreat on the Somme "has found +our soldiers wanting." This article naturally gave great comfort to the +enemy, who possibly overestimates the importance of Mr. MASSINGHAM and the +significance of the title of his paper. It also found its way to the +British trenches, and caused so great an increase in the habit +traditionally ascribed to the British Army when in Flanders that Sir +DOUGLAS HAIG is understood to have suggested that an embargo should be +placed upon the further export of such literature. + +What most strikes the imagination is that amid the most stirring events of +the greatest war in history British Legislators should devote three of +their precious hours to so trumpery an affair. Was this what the old jurist +had in mind when he called the House of Commons "The Great Inquest of the +Nation"? + +_Wednesday, April 18th._--On the motion introduced in both Houses to +express the welcome of Parliament to our new Ally, Mr. BONAR LAW, +paraphrasing CANNING, declared that the New World had stepped in to redress +the balance of the Old; Mr. ASQUITH, with a fellow-feeling no doubt, lauded +the patience which had enabled President WILSON to carry with him a united +nation; and Lord CURZON quoted BRET HARTE. + +A fresh injustice to Ireland was revealed at Question-time. England and +Scotland are to enjoy an educational campaign, in which hundreds of +speakers all over the country will dilate upon the necessity of reducing +the consumption and preventing the waste of foodstuffs. But like most other +patriotic schemes it is not to apply to John Bull's other island, though I +gather that it is at least as much wanted there as here. + +On the third reading of the Parliament Bill the debate was confined to +Irish Members. Mr. FIELD, who is in the live-stock trade, led one +particularly fine bull into the Parliamentary arena. After complaining that +Members had no longer any power in the House, he went on to say, "We are +simply ciphers behind the leading figures on the Front Bench." Surely that, +arithmetically speaking, is the position in which ciphers are most +powerful. + +_Thursday, April 19th._--The mental processes of Sir WILLIAM BYLES are +normally so mysterious that his suggestion that, with the Americans coming +in and the Germans making off, this was the psychological moment for the +British Government to initiate proposals for peace, did not strike the +House at large as specially absurd. It was, however, both surprised and +delighted when Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL interposed with an inquiry whether it +would not be time enough to talk about peace when the Germans ceased to +blow up hospital ships. When Mr. BONAR LAW tactfully observed that the +Supplementary Question was better than the answer he had prepared, one felt +that the prospects of an Anglo-Irish _entente_ had appreciably improved. + +When the new MINISTER FOR EDUCATION deposited upon the Table a vast packet +of manuscript, and craved the indulgence of the House if he exceeded the +usual limits of a maiden speech, I thought of the days when the headline, +"The Duke of Devonshire on Technical Education," used to strike on my +fevered spirit with a touch of infinite prose. Mr. FISHER began in rather +professorial style, but he soon revealed a glowing enthusiasm for his +subject which thawed the House. His ambition is to transform the teachers +in our elementary schools from ill-paid drudges into members of a liberal +and liberally remunerated profession. Our record in the War has shown that, +as a Naval Officer wrote to him, "there is something in your d----d Board +School education after all." + + * * * * * + + "The bride, who was given away by her father, was attended by Miss ---- + as demonsoille d'honneur."--_Hawkes Bay Herald_ (_New Zealand_). + +We fear this marriage was not made in heaven. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Polite Foreigner._ "IS ZAT YOUR BEAUTIFUL ENGLISH +THAMES--YES?" + +_London Dame_ ("_on her guard_"). "I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA."] + + * * * * * + +A PAPER PROBLEM. + +Copy of a letter from the Reverend Laurence Longwind to the Archbishop of +CANTERBURY:-- + + _The Rectory_, + _Little Pottering_, + _April 1st, 1917_. + +My LORD ARCHBISHOP,--I am writing to ask whether Your Grace would be so +kind as to assist me in resolving a case of conscience which, I feel sure, +must be exercising the minds and hearts of many of my brother clergy at the +present time. + +The matter to which I refer is closely connected with the sad shortage of +paper. It is no doubt known to Your Grace that many ministers of the +Gospel, though capable of eloquence of a high order, _write_ their sermons. +Old sermons tend to increase and multiply at an alarming rate. I myself +have a chest of drawers literally stuffed with them. What, in Your Grace's +opinion, should be done with these? + +Would it be right, in view of the purpose for which they were written, to +tear them up and send them away to be pulped? Long and earnestly as I have +considered the problem in all its bearings I am still utterly unable to +arrive at a solution. + +No doubt I could sell them and devote the proceeds to charitable purposes. +There is, I am informed, a large and steady demand for old sermons amongst +the younger clergy who have not that ripe experience of life which sixty +years in a rural parish cannot fail to provide. But I am informed that the +dealers do not always offer appropriate prices. And I should hesitate to +make a traffic in holy things unless I could make quite certain that no +breath of scandal could result from inadequate remuneration. + +I have sounded my churchwardens on the subject, but without reaping any +benefit from the advice given. "Do you see any harm in selling them simply +as paper?" I asked one of them, a Mr. Bloggs. "Not a rap! Not a rap! Get +rid of 'em!" was his reply. Naturally I felt hurt. It was not so much what +he said as the way he said it. The mere mention of my sermons always seems +to make him irritable. Why I cannot imagine. + +My dear wife advises me to send them down to the schoolhouse. The children, +she thinks, might use the backs (I write on one side of the paper only) for +their sums. But I fear such an expedient might give rise to a spirit of +irreverence. + +Would Your Grace hold me greatly to blame were I to raffle them at our next +rummage sale? I feel sure they would fetch a good price. Only yesterday +Miss Tabitha Gingham remarked to her sister, Miss Mary, "We had a good long +sermon from the Rector this morning." I was passing behind their laurel +hedge at the moment, and could not fail to overhear this meed of praise. +Miss Tabitha is, I should explain, very hard to please, and if _she_ thinks +them good there must be others in the parish of the same opinion. I might +be able to raise quite a nice sum for our local Seed Potato Committee by a +Spring raffle of my longer and more elaborate compositions. And since +everybody is beginning to take a modern view of Bonus Bonds I do not think +that a raffle for such a purpose need arouse serious opposition. + +Trusting that Your Grace will be able to give me your considered opinion in +this matter, which is arousing so much attention at the present time, + + I am, Your Grace's humble and obedient Servant, + LAURENCE LONGWIND. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Resident at Boarding House_ (_to waiter_). "DO YOU CALL +THIS STUFF MARGARINE OR MARJARINE?" + +_Mike._ "SURE, SORR, IT'S HERSELF WOULD SLING ME OUT IF I CALLED IT +ANNYTHING BUT BUTTHER."] + + * * * * * + +FORE AND AFT. + + The A.S.C.'s a nobleman; 'e rides a motor-car, + 'E is not forced to 'ump a pack, as we footsloggers are; + 'E drives 'is lorry through the towns and 'alts for fags and beer; + We infantry, we does without, there ain't no shops up 'ere; + And then for splashin' us with mud 'e draws six bob a day, + For the further away from the line you go the 'igher your rate of pay. + + My shirt is rather chatty and my socks 'ud make you larf; + It's just a week o' Sundays since they sent us for a barf; + But them that 'as the cushy jobs they lives in style and state, + With a basin in their bedrooms and their dinners on a plate; + For 'tis a law o' nachur with the bloomin' infantry-- + The nearer up to the line you go the dirtier will you be. + + Blokes at the base, they gets their leave when they've bin out three + munse; + I 'aven't seen my wife and kids for more 'n a year, not once; + The missus writes, "About that pass, you'd better ask again; + I think you must 'ave been forgot." Old girl, the reason's plain: + We are the bloomin' infantry, and you must just believe + That the nearer up to the line you go the less is your chance of leave. + + * * * * * + + "We cussed at Grosvenor House and some steps in this direction may be + expected if the demands of retailers become more rapacious."--_Daily + Mail._ + +It is no good abusing the FOOD CONTROLLER, however, or prices would long +ago have been down to zero. + + * * * * * + +MAB DREAMS OF MAY. + + The day-dim torches of chestnut trees stand dreamily, dreamily; + In myriad jewels of glad young green, smooth black are the broad beech + boles; + The fragrant foam of the cherry trees hangs creamily, creamily, + And the purpling lilacs and the blackthorn brakes are singing with all + their souls! + + The pinky petals of lady's-smocks peer maidenly, maidenly; + Meadow-sweet, donning her fragrant lace, is daintiest friend of the + breeze; + Hyacinths wild, blue-misting the woods, hang ladenly, ladenly, + And tiniest bird's-eye burns deep blue in thickets of tall grass trees! + + Daylong I lie, daylong I dream, swung swooningly, swooningly, + In an old-time tulip of flaming gold, red-flaunted and streaked with + green, + While song of the birds, of water and bees comes crooningly, crooningly, + And Summer brings me her swift mad months with scent and colour and + sheen. + Winter is gone, I ween, + As it had never been! + + _Dance! dance! Delicately dance!_ + _Revel with the delicatest stamp and go!_ + _Dance! dance! Circle and advance,_ + _Curtsey, twirl about,_ + _Shatter the dew and whirl about,_ + _Stamp upon the moonbeams--heel and toe!_ + + * * * * * + +MORE NEWS FROM THE AIR. + +THE ALLIES. + +The other day I was in a country house whose owners are so lost to shame as +still to keep pets. There is a dog there which is actually allowed to eat, +in defiance of all those _Times'_ correspondents whose sole idea of this +stimulating and unfailingly devoted animal is that it is personified greed +on four legs. There are two or three horses of unusual intelligence, which +no doubt our friend the Hun would long since have devoured, but which, even +though hunting is over, are by some odd freak of sentiment or even of +loyalty still kept alive. There are rabbits. And there is a bird in a cage +against the wall of a small yard. This bird is a chaffinch, which a friend +had brought over from France. + +After I had fraternised shamefully with all these deplorable drones, my +hostess drew my attention to the French chaffinch, a line big fellow, very +tame and cheerful. "We will feed him," she said, "and then you will see +something that happens every day. Something very interesting." + +So saying she poured into a receptacle for the purpose enough seed, no +doubt, to make, mixed with other things, several admirable thimble-loaves +of bread substitute, and told me to watch. + +I watched, and very soon the French chaffinch, having eaten a certain +amount of the seed, dashed his beak amid the rest with such violence that +it was spilt over the pan, out of the bars and down to the ground below. + +"That's very wasteful," I said. "Lord DEVONPORT wouldn't like that--Lord +DEVONPORT wouldn't;" this being the kind of facetious thing we are all +saying just now, and something facetious being in this particular house +always, for some reason or other, expected of me. + +"Wait a minute," my hostess replied. "There's more reason in it than you +think." + +And there was. + +The whole point of this mediocre narrative consists in the fact that within +a few seconds some dozen sparrows had descended to the yard and were +feeding busily while the chaffinch watched from above. And this happens at +every mealtime. + +To what extent we are contributing to the French Commissariat I cannot say; +but with my own eyes I have seen a French citizen being systematically +generous to his English cousins. + + * * * * * + + "The sale [of potatoes] started at 6 a.m., and the first omnibus from + London brought over 200 buyers down."--_Weekly Dispatch._ + +A gross case of overcrowding. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Civilian _(_who has been asked to luncheon at outlying +fort_). "I SAY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T POSSIBLY LAND BY THAT ABSURD LITTLE +LADDER." + +_Host._ "ROT, OLD CHAP. I'VE HAD THE VERY DICKENS OF A JOB TO GET YOU A +PASS--AND, BESIDES, PEOPLE DON'T OFTEN FALL IN."] + + * * * * * + +DOUBLE ENTENTE. + + ["In view of the fact that M.C. is also the abbreviation for 'Military + Cross' ... it has been recommended that the abbreviations for the + degrees of Bachelor of Surgery and Master of Surgery be altered from + B.C. and M.C. to B.Ch. and M.Ch."] + +In view of the fact that P.M. is also the abbreviation for Prime Minister +and Post-Mortem, the London and North-Western Railway recommend that in +future the abbreviation for afternoon be A.L. (After Luncheon). + +In view of the fact that (as every schoolboy knows) D.D. is also the +abbreviation for Double Donkey, the Upper House of Convocation recommend +that in future the abbreviation for Doctor of Divinity be Doc. Div. + +In view of the fact that Q.S. is also the abbreviation for Quarter +Sessions, the Committee of the Pharmaceutical Society recommend that in +future the abbreviation for Quantum Suff. be S.W. (Say When). + + * * * * * + + "Herbert Spencer made a rough outline of his 'Sympathetic Philosophy' + when forty years old."--_Weekly Paper._ + +Alas! he never lived to fill in the details. + + * * * * * + +A PERSONAL TRIUMPH. + +Always at the same point of my railway journey North I drop my paper and +wait till a certain trim red-roofed ivy-clad cottage comes into view across +the fields to the right. Till yesterday there were two reasons why I should +hail this cottage with delight. First of all, it stands where trim cottages +are rarer than pit-heads and slag heaps; and, secondly, GEORGE STEPHENSON +once lived there. From now onwards, however, I have a third and more +compelling reason for respecting the old building. You shall hear. + +Know, then, that I have a friend called Smithson. The Athenians would have +had a short way with him; and I admit that there have been times in the +course of our relationship when hemlock would really have been the only +thing to meet the case. Our conversations (it is no fault of mine) are +always dialectical. They take the following form. Light-heartedly I +enunciate a proposition. Smithson is interested and asks for a clearer +statement. I modify my original position. Smithson purrs. Seeing trouble +imminent, I modify my modification, and from that point onwards I make a +foredoomed but not (as I flatter myself) an unplucky fight against +relentless logic. The elenchus comes soon or late, but it always comes. +Only in dreams am I ever one up on Smithson. The old trick of cramming up +hard parts of the Encyclopaedia overnight is no good. I tried it once with +"Hegesippus" and "The Hegira." You don't know what either of these words +mean? Smithson did--and he knew the articles. No doubt he and Mr. GLADSTONE +had written them in collaboration. + +Well, yesterday, Smithson and I were in the neighbourhood of the cottage +which I have told you of. Having an hour to spare from work of national +importance, we took our sandwiches and were eating them in view of the +jolly old house. + +"What's that thing over the door?" I said. + +"That I take to be a sun-dial," said Smithson with his accustomed reserve +of strength. + +"What a delightful stile," I said. (You always have stiles on sun-dials. I +knew that). + +"_Qua_ stile it is perfect. What do you make of the inscription?" + +I went at it bald-headed. "_Percunt et imputantur_," I said. + +"You may be right, of course," replied Smithson, "though it certainly +begins with an A." + +"True," I corrected. "_Anno Domini_." + +"Conceivably--but the second letter is a U." + +I left Smithson painfully to reconstruct A-U-G-U-S-T from among the ivy. He +had got to the M of a long date when a burst of sun cast a crisp shadow +across the dial. + +"I don't think much of GEORGE STEPHENSON after all," I said. "His beastly +clock doesn't know the right time." + +Smithson snorted. Here was a challenge to the omniscient. + +"That's all right," he said, recovering himself in a moment "All properly +constructed dials have a compensating table; we shall find one no doubt +behind the ivy; there! I see it, to the left--a compensating table by which +you have to correct the actual record of the shadow. For example, we are +now in Lat. 55 N. The month is April. At Greenwich--" + +But I wasn't listening. A bright truth had flashed into my mind, and I +couldn't hold myself back any longer. "It's just about an hour slow," I +said. "You don't think that Daylight Saving has anything to do with it, do +you?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Busdriver._--"ALL RIGHT--ALL RIGHT! I SEE YER, YER NEEDN'T +KEEP ON SURRENDERING."] + + * * * * * + +"About twenty-four hours later one of the ship's officers saw something +bobbing on the water a few hundred years dead ahead."--_New York Evening +Post._ + +America evidently foresees a long war. + + * * * * * + +THE STRIFE OF TONGUES. + +(_Lines suggested by the recent demise of the inventor of Esperanto._) + + As a patriotic Briton + I am naturally smitten + With disgust + When some universal lingo + By a zealous anti-Jingo + Is discussed. + + Some there are who hold that Spanish + In the end is bound to banish + Other tongues; + Some again regard Slavonic + As a stimulating tonic + For the lungs. + + I would sooner bank on Tuscan, + Ay, or even on Etruscan, + Than on Erse; + But fanatical campaigners, + Gaelic Leaguers and Sinn Feiners + Find it terse. + + Some are moved to have a shy at + Persian, thanks to the _Rubaiyat_, + And its ease; + But it's quite another matter + If you're anxious for to chatter + In Chinese. + + To instruct a brainy brat in + Canine or colloquial Latin + _May_ be wise; + But it's not an education + As a fruitful speculation + I'd advise. + + French? All elegance equips it, + But how oft on foreign lips it + Runs awry; + German, tainted, execrated, + Is for ages relegated + To the sty. + + As for brand-new tongues invented + By professors discontented + With the old, + Well, the prospect of a "panto" + Played and sung in Esperanto + Leaves me cold. + + * * * * * + + "One of the most striking--and satisfactory--features of the new + restaurant regime is the disappearance of the bread-basket."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + +Or, at any rate, a considerable shrinkage in its contour. + + * * * * * + + "If there must be duplication of electric light installations, the + apparati might, at least, be made uniform. And it would not be + expecting too much if they were made in some way to harmonise with the + telephone service."--_Australian Paper._ + +Or even with the Latin Grammar? + + * * * * * + + "5-Seater Car for Sale; must sell; chauffeur at the Front; own body + cost over L73. What offers?--RECTOR."--_Times._ + +These personal details seem to us a little out of place in a commercial +transaction. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _John._ "BUT WHY MUSTN'T WE HAVE NEW BREAD ANY MORE?" + +_Joan._ "WHY, DON'T YOU SEE, SILLY? IF WE EAT YESTERDAY'S AND SAVE UP +TO-DAY'S THERE'LL ALWAYS BE SOME FOR TO-MORROW. THEN THE GERMANS CAN'T +STARVE US."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_ By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +In these days, when everybody has his reminiscences, there should still be +a welcome for so genial a volume as _A Soldier's Memories_ (JENKINS), into +which Major-General Sir GEORGE YOUNGHUSBAND has gathered his "Recollections +of People, Places and Things." The title truly indicates the character of +the contents, which are exactly what you would expect from a plain blunt +man, who loves his friends, and equally loves a good story about them, at +his own or their expense, impartially. The anecdotes in the book are +legion, and the actors in them range from troopers to generals, and beyond. +KING EDWARD, their present Majesties, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG ("a nice-looking +clean little boy in an Eton jacket and collar") all figure in the author's +pictures of the past, which include also a highly characteristic study of +WILLIAM THE FRIGHTFUL, congratulating the "citizens of Salisbury," +represented by a handful of curious urchins, upon their "beautiful and +ancient cathedral." (One can fancy the unspoken addition in the Imperial +mind, "And what a target for Bertha!") Many of Sir GEORGE'S pages are +devoted to stories of the Boer campaign, that old unhappy far-off thing +that seems somehow, as one looks back to-day, further off than Waterloo. In +fine, a book that all Service folk, and many besides them, will find a +treasure-house of good stories, of exactly the kind that should be certain +of their appeal now, when we are all, or like to think ourselves, soldiers +in the greatest of England's wars, and inheritors of the traditions here +shown in the making. + + * * * * * + +A short hour's reading and you will have laid down, with a sigh for its +brevity, a little book that is a very model of artistry. It is by Mr. E.V. +LUCAS, and _Outposts of Mercy_ is its happy name. But I am not to seek +reflected glory by the praising of a colleague; simply for the sake of the +cause that he pleads I wish to commend this fascinating account of the +author's visit, in the company of Lord MONSON, Chief Commissioner, to the +stations of the British Red Cross on the Carso, at Gorizia and among the +Carnic and Julian Alps. Resisting sternly the temptation to embroider his +theme with the distractions of scene and circumstance (of course he had to +tell us of that dinner at the mess of an Alpine regiment where he met the +man who had discovered the "Venus of Cyrene"), he keeps as closely as may +be to his main subject, but cannot escape from infusing it with his own +sense of colour and romance and the unconscious appeal of his personality. +One may envy him his rare experience, yet fully share his pride in the +fearless devotion of the men and women of our race (one can imagine it of +no other) in these perilous and lonely outposts of mercy. A little paper +book, illustrated with little photographs, and costing just a shilling. The +author and his publishers (METHUEN) are devoting the profits to the British +Red Cross; so you who buy and read it--and I don't see how anybody can +refuse--may extract a claim to virtue from an hour of pure delight. + + * * * * * + +A quiet style, keen powers of observation, and a delightful assumption of +his own unimportance combine to make Mr. FREDERICK PALMER'S _With the New +Army on the Somme_ (MURRAY) a book that will be read long after the Hun has +returned to the place from which he came. "Those whose business it was to +observe, the six correspondents ... went and came always with a sense of +incapacity and sometimes with a feeling that writing was a worthless +business when others were fighting." There we have his apology for doing +what obviously seemed to him a second-best thing; but much as I like his +modesty I can assure him that no finer tribute has yet been paid to our new +army. Mr. PALMER was the accredited American correspondent at the British +Front, and though the days are happily passed when he was a neutral in name +his position as an impartial spectator gives him an advantage denied to the +most veracious of our own correspondents. Our French Allies too may be +congratulated, by themselves as well as by us, on being observed by eyes so +shrewd and friendly. "No two French soldiers seem quite alike on the march +or when moving about a village on leave. Each seems three beings--one a +Frenchman, one a soldier, a third himself." Anyone who has been in the +war-zone and seen a French regiment resting cannot fail to be struck by the +acuteness of this remark; indeed it provides the key to what, for an +ordinary British mind, is a puzzle. It is one of Mr. PALMER'S many virtues +that, although his main business was to watch the soldiers and the +fighting, he never forgets the man inside the uniform. This gives to his +historical record the added interest of a study in psychology. + + * * * * * + +_The Unspeakable Perk_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) and his attendant puppets +are, to put it kindly, selected from the stock characters of Lesser +American Fiction. There is the "radiant" heroine from Squeedunkville, Wis. +(or Mass.); the tame Poppa with the simoleons, the hero heavily disguised +as a worm, and a worm or so to do the real heavy worming when the hero's +turn comes to pull off the grand-stand play (this doesn't sound like +English but it is really the standard "line of talk" in Lesser American +Fiction). And last but not least there is the "fiery" Southerner. In real +life Southerners are melancholy men with a tendency to _embonpoint_ and +clawhammer coats of ante-bellum design. But in Lesser American Fiction they +are for some undiscovered reason always "fiery." To the fiery one the +heroine "unconsciously turns" when the apparent earmarks of the hero's +wormhood are dramatically revealed, and of course she hands him what she +would probably describe as the "sister" stuff when the gentleman emerges in +his natural colours. That is what makes the story-book Southerner so fiery. +Place these complex characters in an imaginary Carribean Republic, a sort +of transpontine Ruritania; add a revolution fostered by the serpentine +diplomats of a European power; let the American eagle issue a few screams, +and there you have the environment in which _The Unspeakable Perk_ lives +and moves and has his unreal being. The keynote of SAMUEL HOPKINS ADAMS' +story is what the _Perk_ person would describe as a want of "pep." Even the +villains turn out to be comparative gentlemen in the end, the dirty work +being conveniently fastened upon some "person or persons unknown." The yarn +is well enough to wile away an hour; but in these days of burning realities +fiction has lost its bite unless it too is informed with the spirit of +reality. + + * * * * * + +I have to warn you that the early chapters of _The_ _Moulding Loft_ +(METHUEN) are liable to plunge you into some mental agitation, due to the +author's deliberately baffling method of starting her plot. The hero, for +example, is introduced to us abed, and semi-delirious, waited upon by a +pale and sinister young female whom he detests. He appears to be in a house +strange to him, which contains also an unpleasant old woman and a queer +little boy whose behaviour is wrop in mystery. Slowly, perhaps somewhat too +slowly, it is revealed that the hero has been knocked silly by a large +stone dropped upon his unoffending head by the small boy. But why? And why +does the child protest his innocence with such apparent good faith? These +problems I must leave MARGARET WESTRUP (Mrs. W. STACEY) to resolve in her +own unhurried way. Of course before long the "little aversion" between hero +and heroine gives place to an emotion more appropriate. But there remains +an obstacle to their union, one concerned (also, of course) with the +detestable grandmother and the mysterious small boy. Shall I give you one +clue? Somebody is mad; nor is it (as you may at one time have been tempted +to suppose) either the author or reader. More than this wild horses should +not extort from me. But I confess to a rewarding thrill and a very grateful +relief when the mystery was finally cleared up. A good and interesting +book, both for its plot and for some very agreeable Cornish scenes, which +would have been even more welcome had the delectable Duchy not already +engaged the pens of our novelists more than enough. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. "J.E. BUCKROSE" is one of those writers whose work can always be +depended upon. A pinch of pathos, a _soupcon_ of sentiment, a spice of +humour--there you have the recipe, and a very palatable mixture it makes. +The common element that pervades the dozen stories which compose _War-Time +in Our Street_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), all in the author's best manner, is +the staunch devotion to duty displayed by her heroines under stress of war. +Pangs of hunger are endured nobly, hard-hearted folk are softened, lonely +women fight and win the battle against depression. If these pictures of +life behind the windows of our village streets are too _couleur de +BUCKROSE_ to be quite true, there is nevertheless a real quality in them. +They are not for the cynic, but for readers who can appreciate simple tales +of simple people, told without affectation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Airman._ "I SAY, HAVE YOU SEEN A CIGARETTE-HOLDER +ANYWHERE ABOUT? I DROPPED MINE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS FLYING OVER THIS +PLACE."] + + * * * * * + + "To shoot well at fixed targets, after the range has been exactly + registered, as in trench warfare, is one thing, but front and pick up + distances smarly, is quite to trot into action, unlimber and form + action another, and this is where many phophets anticipated our new + Army would be found wanting, but prophecy is becoming a profitless + business in this war."--_Bath Herald._ + +Well, why not try proof-reading as a change? + + * * * * * + + "The Rector nominated Mr. C. Yells as his warden. Captain Noyes was + appointed sidesman."--_Provincial Paper._ + +Otherwise the proceedings seem to have gone off quietly. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, April 25, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15064.txt or 15064.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/0/6/15064/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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