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diff --git a/15049.txt b/15049.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9501fb4 --- /dev/null +++ b/15049.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1671 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 20, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 20, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 14, 2005 [EBook #15049] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +August 20, 1892. + + + + +AD PUELLAM. + + ["Detective cameras have become favourite playthings with + ladies of fashion."--_Ladies' Paper_.] + + You used to prate of plates and prints + And "quick developers" before, + In spite of not unfrequent hints + That these in time become a bore; + But then this photographic craze + Seemed little but a foolish fad, + While now its very latest phase + Appears to me distinctly bad. + + Since even your devoted friends + At sight of you were wont to fly, + You manage still to gain your ends, + And photograph them on the sly; + The muff, the cloak with ample folds, + The parcel, and the biscuit-tin, + I know that each discreetly holds + Detective lenses hid within. + + Should CROESUS greet you with a smile, + A "bromide" will record the fact; + Should STREPHON help you o'er a stile, + The film will take him in the act. + Yet this renown, if truth be said, + Is fame they'd rather be without; + Nor, I assure you, will they wed + A lady photographic tout. + + * * * * * + +ANTIQUITY OF GOLF. + +That Golf was a game probably known to and played by pre-Adamite Man +(whoever he may have been; name and address not given) is evidenced by +the learned Canon TRISTRAM's observation in the Biology Section of +the British Association Meeting last week, to the effect that "he (the +Canon) had never seen a better collection of these Links connecting +the present with the past world." This must be most interesting to all +Golf-players. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT MEMBERS OF "BRITISH ASSOCIATION." + +_First Passenger_ (_reading Morning Paper_). "'PSYCHICAL CHARACTER OF +HYSTERICAL AMBLYOPIA'!! DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 'PSYCHICAL' MEANS! WHAT +DOES IT MEAN, OLD MAN?" + +_Fellow Passenger_. "DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE, DEAR BOY! SOMETHING TO DO +WITH _BRAINS_, I B'LIEVE. NOT AT ALL IN _MY LINE_!"] + + * * * * * + +'ARRIET. + +A REALISTIC RHAPSODY. + +(_WITH APOLOGIES TO MR. HENRY KENDATT, AUTHOR OF "ASTARTE," IN THE +"BOOKMAN."_) + +[Illustration: ('Arriet.)] + + Across the wind-blown bridges, + O look, lugubrious Night! + She comes, the red-haired beauty + Illumined by gaslight! + By London's dim gaslight! + So hush, ye cads, your roar! + Behind her plumes are waving + Her oil'd fringe flaps before. + + O 'ARRIET, Cockney sister, + Your face is writhed with jeers; + How awful is the angle + Of those protuberant ears! + Those red, protuberant ears! + And your splay feet--O lor!!! + My loud, my Cockney sister, + Where oil'd fringe flops before! + + Ah, 'ARRIET! gracious 'eavens, + How your greased locks do glow! + I swoon! The "hodoration" + (I heard you call it so) + Sickens my senses so; + 'Tis "Citronel"--no more, + That scents, like a cheap barber's, + That oil'd fringe hung before. + + 'ARRIET, my knowing darling, + Your eyes a cross-watch keep, + You're togged in shop-girl's fashion, + Your cloak is bugled deep, + Black-bugled broad and deep, + With buttons dappled o'er, + Good gr-racious! how it's grown, too-- + That oil'd fringe flopped before! + + That "bang" is awfully trying, + That odour maddens me. + By Jingo! you've been dyeing + Those rufous locks, I see, + Those sandy locks, I see, + They're darker than of yore. + Avaunt! I'd be forgetting + That oil'd fringe flopped before. + + * * * * * + +RATHER APPROPRIATE. + +Under the heading "Military Education," there appears in _The Tablet_, +an advertisement concerning preparation for examinations at Woolwich +and Sandhurst by "the Rev. E. VON ORSBACH, F.R.G.S., F.R.Hist.S., +late Tutor to their Highnesses the Princes of THURN-AND-TAXIS." What a +suggestive name for a tutor preparing young men for a Cavalry Regiment +is "VON ORSBACH!" Not only would pupils surmount all difficulties +of EUCLID's propositions, but being brought up by VON ORSBACH, they +would dare all "riders!" Then as to the Princes, his pupils, cannot +we conceive of the first Prince THURN how he has been turned out +a perfect 'orseman by VON ORSBACH, and how it would tax all an +Examiner's ingenuity to pluck TAXIS. Pity that when one Prince was +called TAXIS the other wasn't named RATES. But evidently this was an +oversight. A neat couplet might head this advertisement, and add to +its attractiveness, as for instance:-- + + Every question, whatever they ax is, + Will in its THURN be answered by TAXIS. + TAXIS and THURN, for a win you'll of course back, + The pick of the stable, the trainer VON ORSBACH. + +We wish him a continuance of the successes which from his list +this Equestrian Military Tutor--he can't he a "coach" as he is an +ORSBACH--has already obtained. It's a German name, but it sounds more +like 'Orsetrian (!) + + * * * * * + +CUI BONO?--"It is a mistake," quoth _The World_ last week, "to suppose +that Mr. GLADSTONE complacently regards Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT as his +'_Alter Ego_.'" Mr. G. being the "_Ego_" it is not very likely that +Sir WILLIAM V. HARCOURT is likely to "alter" any of his Leader's +plans. Still an "_Alter Ego_" is very useful whenever Mr. GLADSTONE +may want to "wink The Other I." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 1492 V. 1892.] + +[_Christopher Columbus_. "WHAT! GO OVER IN FIVE DAYS! WHY, IF I'D HAD +A SHIP LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE DISCOVERED EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW!"] + + * * * * * + +ELECTION AGONIES. + +(_BY A RE-ELECTED M.P._) + + Yes, there I stood beside my wife, + And called it--whilst the mob cheered wildly-- + "The proudest moment of my life," + Which it was _not_, to put it mildly. + + Heavens, how they cheered! Up went their caps, + To see their Member safely seated; + Who in his inmost soul, perhaps, + Had almost wished himself defeated. + + The girls are pleased. And Mrs. T., + Has fairy visions of a handle + To grace the name she shares with me; + But is the game quite worth the candle? + + Six years of unremitting work, + Of flower-shows, bazaars, and speeches, + Of sturdy mendicants who lurk + In wait to act as sturdy leeches. + + The faddists--Anti-This-and-That-- + Blue-spectacled "One Vote, One Person"-- + Extract a promise, prompt and pat, + The while their heads you hurl a curse on. + + And in return? The dull debate, + The dreary unimportant question, + The pressure of affairs of State, + A muddled brain, a lost digestion. + + Six years of it. I _cannot_ stand + At any cost another bout of it; + But, given away on every hand, + I don't quite see how to get out of it. + + Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe, + And so 'mid general adulation, + I'll rescue some poor party waif + By Chiltern Hundreds resignation. + + The world will quickly roar applause, + Of martyrs I shall be the latest; + But I'm the party and the cause + To whom the service will be greatest! + + * * * * * + +SONG OF GRATITUDE (_by a Nervous Equestrian on the exceptional absence +of 'Arry-cyclists or "Wheelmen" from the road to Wimbledon_).-- + + "Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you? + Oh no, no, No!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MATTER OF "COURSE." + +_Eminent German Specialist_. "VAT VATERS 'AVE YOU BEEN IN ZE 'ABIT OF +TAKING?" + +_English Gouty Patient_. "WATER! HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP, EXCEPT WITH +MY TEA, FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!" + +[_Upon which a mild course of Homburg, Kissengen, Marienbad, and +Karlsbad is at once prescribed._] + + * * * * * + +HOW INSULTAN'! + +_British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister, London._ + +No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of Privy +Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my house, and +smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain that Sultan is at +bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous to him? + +_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy, Timbuctoo._ + +Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not to notice +stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo with British Force. +If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather think Timbuctoo was discovered +by an Irishman, and called after him, TIM BUCKTOO. Eh? + +_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._ + +Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say aspect +of affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about the +stone-throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord Chamberlain, +heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under my own apartment. +Gratifying. Treaty on point of being signed. + +_Foreign Minister to British Envoy._ + +Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick! France, not +unnaturally, seems rather galled. See joke? Play on word "Gaul." + +_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._ + +Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more of 'em. +Treaty settled! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all British subjects +trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs. Draft, with Sultan's +signature, returned to him to be properly copied out. Mere formality. +Packing up, and off to Coast to-night. + +_Same to Same._ + +Arrived at coast. Treaty in carpet-bag. Regret to say, that on +examining it, find that Sultan has slipped in the little word "not" in +every clause. Makes hash of whole thing. What shall I do? + +_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy._ + +Do nothing! Former Foreign Minister no longer in Office. General +Election _has_ taken place. Whole subject will be reconsidered, +with quite new lights, before long. Off for a holiday just now, and +can't attend to it. You'll hear from me again in about six months. +Meanwhile, your motto must be--"_Fez-tina lente_!" Last joke. +Brilliant. Just going to let it off at dinner-party. P.S.--Great +success. + + * * * * * + +REEF-LECTION.--Delivering judgment in the case of _Osborne_ v. +_Aaron's Reef, Limited_, Mr. Justice CHITTY, in the interests of the +public, was justly severe on both plaintiff and defendants, declining +"to give any costs in this action to such a Company." Everyone is +familiar with the nautical expression of "taking in a reef," which +seems to have been a slightly difficult operation for anyone to +perform with AARON's Reef, which, after the manner of AARON's Rod, +when it was transformed into a serpent, appears to possess the faculty +of swallowing to a very considerable extent. Knowing brokers, if +consulted, would not have sung to unwary clients the popular ditty +"_Keep your Aarons_," but would have recommended them, being in, to +be out again in double-quick time, if there were any chance of an +immediate though small ready-money profit to be made, before one could +have said "Scissors!" + + * * * * * + +MARGATE BY MOONLIGHT. + + _It is about nine P.M.; in the West, a faint saffron flush + is lingering above the green and opal sea, while the upper + part of the church tower still keeps the warm glow of sunset. + The stars are beginning to appear, and a mellow half moon is + rising in a deep violet sky. Lamps are twinkling above the + dusky cliffs, and along the curve of the shore._ + + _The Reader will kindly imagine himself on a seat at the + end of the Pier, where the Sand is playing, and scraps of + conversation from his neighbours and passing promenaders, + reach his ear involuntarily._ + +_Fair Promenader_ (_roused to enthusiasm by the surroundings_). Oh, +don't it look lovely at night? (_Impulsively._) I can't _'elp_ sayin' +so. + +_Her Companion_ (_whose emotions are less easily stirred_). Why? + +_The Fair P._ (_apologetically_). Oh, I don't know exactly--these sort +o' scenes always _do_ take my fancy. + +_Her Comp._ (_making a concession to her weakness_). Well, I must say +it's picturesque enough--what with the gas outside the 'All by the +Sea, and the lamps on the whilk stalls. + +[Illustration: "Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's +_vulgar_."] + +_First Girl_ (_on seat--to Second_). Here comes that young SPIFFING. I +do hope he won't come bothering _us_! (_Mr. S. gratifies her desire +by promenading past in bland unconsciousness_.) Well, I do call that +_cool_! He must have seen us. Too grand to be seen talking to us +_here_, I suppose! + +_Second Girl_. I'm sure I wouldn't be seen talking to _him_, that's +all! Why, he's on'y-- [_They pick him to pieces relentlessly._ + +_First Girl_. Take care--he's coming round again. Now we shall see. +Mind you don't begin laughing, or else you'll set _me_ off! + + [_As a natural consequence, Mr. S.'s approach excites them + both to paroxysms of maidenly mirth._ + +_Mr. S._ (_halting in front of them_). You two seem 'ighly amused at +something. What's the joke? + +_Second Girl_ (_as the first is compelled to bury her face behind her +friend's back_). Don't you be too curious. I'll tell you this much--at +_your_ expense! + +_Mr. S._ Oh, is it? Then you might let Me 'ave a a'porth! + +_First Girl_. BELLA, if you tell him, I'll never speak to you again. + + [_As there is nothing particular to tell, Miss BELLA + preserves the secret._ + +_Mr. S._ (_reconnoitring his rear suspiciously_). There's nothing +pinned on to my coat-tails, is there? (_Renewed mirth from the +couple_.) Well, I see you're occupied--so, good evenin'. + + [_Walks on, with offended dignity._ + +_Second Girl_. There! I _knew_ how it would be--he's gone off in a +huff now! + +_First Girl_. Let him! He ought to know better than take offence at +nothing. And such a ridic'lous little object as he's looking, too! +What else can he _expect_, I'd like to know!... Don't you feel it +chilly, sitting still? + +_Second Girl_ (_rising with alacrity_). I was just thinking. Suppose +we take a turn--the _other_ way round, or he might think-- + +_First Girl_. We'll show him others have their pride as well as him. +[_They disappear in the crowd._ + +_Mr. Spiffing_ (_repassing a few minutes later, with one of the young +Ladies on each arm_). Well, there, say no more about it--so long as it +wasn't at Me, I don't mind! [_They pass on._ + +_A Wheezy Matron_ (_in a shawl_). She was a prettier byby in the fice +than any o' the others--sech a lydylike byby she was--we never 'ad +no bother with her! and never, as long as I live, shall I forgit her +Grandpa's words when he saw her settin' up in her 'igh cheer at tea, +with her little cheeks a marsk o' marmalade. "LOUISER JYNE," he sez, +"you mark my words--she's the on'y reelly _nice_ byby you ever 'ad, or +_will_ ave!" + +_Her Comp_. An' he wasn't given to compliments in a general way, +neither, _was_ he? + +_Anxious Mother_. I can't make him out. Sometimes I think he means +something, and yet,--Every morning we've been here, he's come up to +her on the Pier, and brought her a carnation inside of his 'at. + +_Her Confidante_. Then depend upon it, my dear, he has intentions. _I_ +should say so, certingly! + +_The Mother_. Ah, but CARRIE tells me she's dropped her glove, +accidental-like, over and over again, and he's always picked it +up,--and handed it back to her. I reelly don't know what _to_ think! + +_The Confidante_. Well, I wouldn't lose heart--with the moon drawin' +on to the full, as it is! + +_A Seaside Siren_ (_conscious of a dazzling complexion--to a +suburban Ulysses_). I wish I could get brown--I think it's so awfully +becoming--but I never can! + +_Ulysses_. Some people _are_ like that. On'y turn _red_, you know, +specially the nose--catches 'em _there_, y'know! + +_The Siren_. I'm obliged to you, I'm sure! Is that meant to be +personal? + +_Ulysses_. Oh, I wasn't thinking of _you_ when I said that. + +_The Siren_. You're very complimentary. But do tell me--am _I_ like +that? (_She presents her face for his inspection_.) Candidly, now. + +_Ulysses_ (_conscientiously_). Well, I don't notice anything +particular--but, you see, colours don't show up by moonlight. + + [_The Siren coldly intimates that her Mother will be + waiting supper for them._ + +_An Habitue_. Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's _vulgar_. +They must be precious 'ard to please, that's all! I'm as partickler +as what most are, and I can assure yer if there was anythink o' _that_ +sort about, I shouldn't come down 'ere reglar, season after season, +like I do! + +_His Companion_. In course not--and no more shouldn't I, neither! + +_ALONG THE ESPLANADE._ + +_Female Voice_ (_from the recesses of a glazed shelter_). But if +you're on the sands all day, how is it I never _see_ you? + +_Male Voice_ (_mysteriously_). Would you like to know? Really? You +shall. (_With pride_.) I'm one of the Niggers! + +_Fem. V._ (_deeply impressed_). Not "GUSSIE," or "Uncle ERNIE!" + +_Male V._ (_with proud superiority_). Not exactly. I conduct, _I_ +do--on the 'armonium. + +_Fern. V._ (_rapturously_). Oh! I 'ad a sort o' feeling, from the very +first, that you must be _Somebody_! + +_A Lodging-House Keeper_. Yes, nice people they was--I don't know when +I've _'ad_ such nice people. I'll tell you what they _did_ ... They +come on a Thursday--yes, Thursday it was--and took the rooms from the +Saturday followin' to the next Saturday--and then they stopped on to +the Saturday after that. I do call that nice--don't _you_? + +_A Mystic Plaint_ (_from a Bench_). Many and many a time I've borrered +the kittles for them when the School Inspector was comin'--and now for +them to turn round on me like this! It's a shame, it is. + +_A Lady of Economical Principles_ (_at a Bow-window, addressing her +Husband at the railings_). Why, my dear _feller_, why ever did you go +and do _that_--when there was a bed empty 'ere for him? + +_The Husband_ (_sulkily_). No one ever said a word to _me_ about there +being a bed. And I've taken one for him now at the Paragon, anyway--so +_that's_ settled! + +_The Economical Lady_. I call it downright foolishness to go paying +'alf-a-crown a night for a bed, when there's one all ready _'ere_ for +him! And you don't know _how_ long he may mean to stop, either! + +_The Self-invited Visitor_ (_suddenly emerging from the +shadow_).--You'll be 'appy to know, Mum, that your 'ospitality will +not exceed the 'alf-crown. Good evenin'. [_Retires to the Paragon._ + +_The Econ. L._ (_regretfully_). And a lobster ordered in for supper +a-purpose for him, too! + +_A Street Musician_ (_with a portable piano_). I will next attempt +a love-song. I feel full of love to-night. Oh, Ladies and +Gentlemen--(_earnestly_)--take advantage of a salubrious night like +this! Anyone who has not yet contributed will kindly embrace this +opportunity of placing his offering upon the instrument; after which I +shall endeavour to sing you "_In Old Madrid_." Oh, _what_ a difficult +ditty it is, to be sure, dear Ladies and Gentlemen--especially as it +makes the twenty-seventh I've sung since tea-time--however, I will do +my best. (_He sings it_.) That will conclude my _al-fresco_ Concert +for this evening. And now, thanking you all for your generous +patronage of my humble efforts, and again reminding those who have not +yet expressed their appreciation in a pecuniary form, that I am now +about to circulate with the hat for the last time, I wish you all +farewell, and balmy slumbers! + + [_He collects the final coins, and wheels away the piano. The + crowd disperses; the listeners in the lodging-house balconies + retire; and the Crescent is silent and deserted._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +One of the Baron's "Merry Men All" has been reading and enjoying Mr. +BARRY PAIN's _Stories and Interludes_. The book has a wondrously weird +and heavily-lined picture in front, which is just a little too like +a "Prophetic Hieroglyphic" in _Zadkiel's Almanack_. An emaciated and +broken-winged devil is apparently carrying an engine-hose through a +churchyard, whilst a bat flits against a curious sky, which looks like +a young grainer's first attempt at imitating "birds'-eye maple." Upon +a second glance it seems possible that the "hose" is a snake, the tail +of which the devil is gnawing. The gruesome design illustrates a yet +more gruesome Interlude, entitled, "_The Bat and the Devil._" But it +gives no fair idea of the contents of the volume, some of which are +charming. + +Read _White Nights_, stories within a story, told by a tragical +"Fool," of the breed of HUGO's _Rigoletto_, and POE's _Hopfrog_--with +a difference. They are told with force and grace, and with unstrained, +but moving pathos. Read "The Dog That Got Found," a brief sketch +indeed, but abundantly suggestive. Poor _Fido_--the "dog that got to +be utterly sick of conventionality," and came to such bitter grief in +his search for "life poignant and intense!" He might read a lesson +to many a two-legged prig, were the bipedal nincompoop capable of +learning it. + +_The Glass of Supreme Moments_ is, perhaps, needlessly enigmatical, +and _Rural Simplicity_, _Concealed Art_, and _Two Poets_, strike one +as superfluously "unpleasant." Mr. PAIN seems slightly touched with +the current literary fad for making bricks with the smallest possible +quantity of straw. One halfpennyworth of the bread of incident to +an intolerable deal of the sack of strained style and pessimist +commentary, make poorish imaginative pabulum, though there seems an +increasing appetite for it amongst those who, unlike _Lucas Morne_ in +_The Glass of Supreme Moments_, plume themselves upon possession of +"the finer perceptions." _The Magic Morning_ is a "scrap" elaborately +sauced and garnished; the fleeting flavour may possess a certain +sub-acid piquancy, but such small dishes of broken meats are hardly +nourishing or wholesome. + +Mr. PAIN has a delicate fancy and a graceful style, a bitter-sweet +humour, and a plentiful endowment of "the finer perceptions." He +has done some good work here, and will do better--when he finds his +subject, and loses his affectations. Read _White Nights_, again says +the Baron's "retainer." + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +COMING BARONETCY TO BE MUSICALLY NOTED.--Song for a "Lullaby" or +a "Good Knight" from _Don Giovanni_, and dedicated by nobody's +permission to Sir ARTHUR SEYMOUR SULLIVAN, would be "_Barty! Barty!_" +Will Sir EDWARD SOLOMON be in it? Probably this is "another night." + + * * * * * + +LAYS OF MODERN HOME. + +NO. V.--BUTLERLESS. + +[Illustration: (Butler.)] + + Oh! bring my Butler back to me; + I stray and lapse alone! + If this be freedom, to be free + Were something best unknown. + He used to look so grand and grave-- + So sad when I was slack; + 'Twas difficult to misbehave-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + In him was nothing flash nor green-- + A Seneschal confessed; + Most people deemed his reverend mien + Some family bequest. + And yet but three short, happy years + Had seen him on our tack, + And made us verge on VERE DE VERES-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + A Pedigree in swallow-tails, + He gave our household "tone." + My soul plebeian trips and fails + (See stanza first) alone. + I fall on low Bohemian ways, + I doff my evening black; + I dine in blazer all ablaze-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + I breakfast now and smoke in bed; + I wrench the bell for coals; + No master-hand and master-head + The day's routine controls. + No stately form in homage curved, + Our commissariat's lack, + Veneers with, "_Dinner, Sir, is served_"-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + A few old friends drop in at times, + But ah! their zest is gone; + No organ voice with awe sublimes + BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON. + They sound to me quite commonplace, + Who seemed a ducal pack: + 'Twas he who lent them rank and race-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + And _they_ must think me very queer, + Each unennobled guest: + I munch my chop, I quaff my beer + At meal-times unrepressed, + I laugh a laughter rude and loud; + My little jokes I crack; + The parlour-maid with mirth is bowed-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + Yes! bring that paragon to me-- + 'Tis true he drank my wine; + But, as I found it disagree, + I don't so much repine: + 'Tis true we missed a little plate + When _he_ gave _us_ the sack. + But "all things come to them that wait"-- + Oh, bring my Butler back! + + That gorgeous grace, that smile severe, + That look of Lords and Barts, + These are the charms that most endear + His image to our hearts. + The standard of my broken life + With him has gone to rack, + And, if it were not for my wife, + I'd bring my Butler back! + + * * * * * + +FINE, OR REFINE? + + [An Educational Journal recently suggested the formation of + a "Guild of Courtesy," with especial view to refining the + manners and language of the youth of the working classes.] + + Hail, noble Guild! By all means drive + Expletives from our highways; + They are the ruin of our roads, + The byword of our byways! + + And rowdies too--to teach them grace + A philanthropic art is; + _These_ subjects for the Guild may well + Be called the "Guildy parties"! + + The lumbering horse-play of the streets, + Can we its spirits soothe? + Will blarneying do? Or can "the Rough" + Be "taken with the smooth"? + + And there's the working girl: can we + From yells and rompings wean her? + For the demeanour of a Miss + Is oft a mis-demeanour. + + O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand + _All_ ages and _all_ classes! + Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts + Supply the freest passes. + + Do not such terms as these of hope + Your undertaking rob-- + The "common people"--"lower class," + "The vulgar," and "the mob"? + + And there's our worship of the purse; + 'Gainst _it_ pray have a tilt + Oh, gild our manners! But take care + They are not silver-gilt! + + * * * * * + +ALL AT SEA.--The KAISER is reported to be so delighted with his visit +to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat the journey next +year. Fond of military display, if he goes to Hyde he will be +appropriately accompanied by an escort of German Mounted Marines. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES. + +_Count Peter van Strubel_ (_just arrived in England, in time for +Her Grace's Concert_). "ACH! TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR +LATIES ARE ZOH _PEAUDIFUL_, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZOH _OCKLY_?" + +_Her Grace._ "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE ENGLISH, COUNT, AND +THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT HAPPENS!"] + + * * * * * + +READING THE STARS A LA MODE. + +(_EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS +INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED._) + +_August_ 10, 1899.--Open this book just to jot down briefly the +results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living +in the adjacent planet. Get a better notion by this means of what +we are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as +an heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last +nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), +we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to +us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new +telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made +out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. On more +careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of +eruption. White hat evidently the smoke. Could distinctly locate the +ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another +seven years' cruise. + +_August_ 10, 1906.--Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my +predecessor, the transactions of the Company. By the way, my new berth +is a very pleasant one. Have nothing to do except every seven years, +when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This time we have a +first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven +years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance. +Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one +of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way +(like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made out a +man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid donkey! Have to +wait for another seven years. + +_August_ 10, 1913.--Again ready. Better telescope than one in use +seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers. They are +written in same language as our own. Nothing in them worth quoting. +Evidently "silly season" over there as well as here. Account of +the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets, but the +inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have +arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand +it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe something +like "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_." Interesting. Popular song of fourteen +years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the Solar System. +Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another seven years. + +_August_ 10, 1920.--We ought to do something this time. Improved +telescope; can see everything. So excellent that we can almost hear +the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in through-space-hurling +machinery. We applied this new power to a pea-shooter, and, at the +first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian policeman on +the nose. He first arrested an innocent person for the assault, but, +on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the +Earth. Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting. They then +began to watch our signals. They were just about to reply when we +started off for another seven years. + +_August_ 10, 1927.--I take up my predecessor's book to continue these +observations. Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants of the +neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the look out +for us. Yes, there they were. We have just signalled "How are you?" +But it has received, as yet, no reply. The Marsians seem to be +signalling, but not in our direction. We have just tried another +message, "Good morning; do you use soap?" Ah, this has woke them up! +They _do_ understand us. They have replied, "Don't be rude." We are +greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet Mars, we +believe?" This has elicited no response. Strange! We have begged for a +reply, and it has just come. Here it is:--"Don't bother; can't attend +to you just now. We are talking with the planet Jupiter." Time up! Off +for another seven years! + +_August_ 10, 1934.--Just one line to add to the other communications +of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company, +Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and +North Saturn Aerial Railway Company. During the present near approach +of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric air-torpedo train will +leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital of Mars. The excursion +will be personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus. Return +tickets, Second Class, L1,000; First Class (with hotel coupons), Half +an ounce of coal. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WILL THEY WORK?" + +LORD ROSEBERY (_aside to McHARCOURT, the Gillie_). "WONDER WHAT SORT +OF A BAG HE'LL MAKE--_OVER THOSE DOGS!!_"] + + * * * * * + +HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED. + +(_SUPPLEMENTARY AND IMAGINARY DESPATCH NOT YET RECEIVED AT THE FOREIGN +OFFICE._) + +It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that amongst +my _suite_ I had the pleasure to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, +the celebrated Germano-Russian _prestidigitateur_. When I received a +despatch from the Foreign Office informing me that I was premature +in destroying the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained +provisions that were entirely different to those which the Sultan had +already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I made up my mind +to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view to setting things +right. I considered it advisable to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, +as I counted upon that eminent conjuror's valuable aid to assist me in +carrying out what I venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object. + +When we reached the room the Sultan was occupying, we found His +Sheriffian Majesty regarding with some indignation, the remains of the +Draft Treaty that had been brought back to him by the messengers the +Sultan had sent to me. + +His Majesty was very angry, and had given orders for the immediate +execution of Herr VON POPOFF and myself, when my talented assistant +gently placed his hand upon the head of the swarthy and irate +Sovereign, and by a clever pass produced an egg. This amused and +amazed the Sultan immensely, and his Sheriffian Majesty desired that +the feat should be repeated. This request received immediate practical +acquiescence as the wonderworker deliberately extracted eggs from the +Sultan's arms, legs, and whiskers. Having obtained some dozen eggs by +this means, Herr VON POPOFF borrowed a turban from the Prime Minister, +and breaking the eggs into his improvised saucepan, mixed the mess +into a compact mass with the assistance of a scimitar kindly lent for +the occasion by the Commander-in-Chief. + +"High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" exclaimed the Wizard, and in +a trice, the eggs had disappeared, and in their place appeared a +pound-cake. I have the honour to report that the cake was then cut +into small portions and passed round for consumption. His Sheriffian +Majesty was good enough to partake of the rather stale comestible. The +remainder of the cake was devoured by the _suite_. + +By this time the Sultan was in great good humour, when unfortunately +his eyes fell upon the remains of the destroyed Draft Treaty which +were still lying unheeded on the palace floor. Seeing them his +Sheriffian Majesty rolled his eyes savagely, and sent for the Lord +High Executioner. + +It was at this crisis that Herr VON POPOFF showed great presence of +mind and absolute coolness. Without a moment's hesitation he requested +that the fragments of paper might be given to him. Taking them in +his right hand, he placed them in the turban he had previously used +for manufacturing his pound-cake, and once more repeated his magic +formula. + +To the general surprise (and I must not omit my own individuality from +the universal astonishment) he produced a new Treaty, which I then had +the honour of handing to the Sultan for signature. + +The Treaty (which was subsequently discovered to contain several +important concessions to the country I have the honour to represent) +was then signed, and the _prestidigitateur_ and I retired loaded with +honours. + +I have, in conclusion, to beg permission to wear the Sheriffian Order +of the Diamond-eyed Pig of the Second Class. The Sun-Star of the +Emerald Life-sized White Elephant of the Double First-Class has +already been accepted by Herr VON POPOFF, as that gentleman, being a +foreign subject, has no need to desire official authorisation to use +his recently-acquired and extremely bulky decoration. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GROUSE DRIVING." + +THIS IS WHAT SHE IMAGINED IT TO BE IN HER DREAM OF THE 12TH OF +AUGUST.] + + * * * * * + +MEMORABLE. + +SIR,--So many punning Epitaphs have recently appeared in the _Times a +propos_ of "BOB LOWE," that I am sure you will now allow me to produce +and publish what was rejected by your Editor, long before the decease +of the above-mentioned eminent Statesman. I thought it, and still +think it, uncommonly good; but the then Editor said, "No--it is +unseemly to joke about the decease of a living celebrity." Now on the +good old maxim of "_Nil nisi bonum_," I beg you will produce this, +as I'm sure it is, and always was, uncommonly _bonum_, and like good +wine, all the better for keeping. Here it is:-- + +ON THE LATE B.L. + + Bob! has he gone above the sky? + We hope that it is so. + Yet when above, however high, + He'll always be B.-LOWE. + +I've seen nothing to equal this; at least, being a judge of such +things, I may safely say so, adding humbly, "A poor thing, but mine +own." + +Yours, L.S. PRIT D'ESCALIER. + + * * * * * + +ACCIDENTAL JOKE.--When does an explosion do no harm? When a husband +blows his wife up--and she deserves it. + + * * * * * + +INFRA DIG. + + Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find + _One_ Abdiel to enticement bravely blind, + _One_ class not thrall to Plutus. But, hurroo! + England rejoice aloud, for thou hast _two_. + Sweet are the uses of--Advertisement, + To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-cent. + The Mart, the Forum, and--alas!--the Fane. + Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain; + The leaded column and the poster smart + Seduce the Histrio; e'en the thrall of Art + Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste, + That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste. + The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe + Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe. + But there be those share not the general taint; + The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned Saint. + Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade + That would confuse Professions with mere Trade. + No, briefs and bills of costs _may_ loom too big, + _Harpagon_ hide beneath a horsehair wig, + _Sangrado_ thrive on flattery and shrewd knack. + And _Dulcamara_, safe in silence, quack; + But--chortle, oh ye good, rejoice, ye wise!-- + Physic and Law will never--_Advertise_! + + * * * * * + +"THE PARIAH."--In the latest copy to hand of that wonderful penn'orth +of gossip and information, _Sala's Journal_, Vol. I. No. 16, and in +the very first line of the light and leading article, our "G.A.S." +asks "Is Woman a Pariah?" Of course she is not, we reply, not even if +she be the very masculinest of females. Some, if they are "Riahs" at +all, are "Ma-riahs." "Riah," it may be remembered, is the abbreviated +form of the name as in the once popular Coster's song of "_What cheer +Riah?_" Whether spelt with or without an "h" is of no consequence, the +Coster not being particular. + + * * * * * + +TO DR. LOUIS ROBINSON. + + (_Who said at the British Association that a Baby was an + animal as interesting as any which had been brought from the + uttermost parts of the Earth_.) + + Quite right, Dr. ROBINSON, perfectly right, + No longer the need to repair to the Zoo; + No longer we'll see with increasing delight + The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe Kangaroo. + But the "animal's interest" shall charm us instead, + Though it's scarcely a charm _you've_ discovered,--at least + There's many a father who's pointedly said, + That his int'resting Babe was a "mere little beast!" + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE BUT UNFAIR.--When you have to pay heavily for light +refreshments. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ATAVISM. + +_Proud Mother_. "BUT _REALLY_ NOW, DR. BIRCH, DON'T YOU THINK IT +RATHER EXTRAORDINARY THAT WE SHOULD HAVE _THREE_ SUCH CLEVER SONS?" + +_Dr. B._ "WHY, NO, MY DEAR MADAM; NOW YOU HAVE TOLD ME WHAT A +REMARKABLY CLEVER _GRANDMOTHER_ THEY HAD!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT VIVA VOCE. + + ["Due consideration will be given in the selection + of Candidates for Scholarships to proficiency in + athletics."--_Daily Paper_.] + +_Examiner_ (_courteously_). Have you studied any Latin author? + +_Candidate_ (_with hesitation_). I once looked into CORNELIUS NEPOS, +but never could construe half a dozen lines. + +_Exam._ What have you studied in Greek? + +_Can._ Tried the first page of VALPY, and got through the present of +[Greek: tupto]--then gave it up. + +_Exam._ Do you know anything about Mathematics? + +_Can._ Fancy I have heard of the Rule of Three, but hanged if I know +much about Fractions. + +_Exam._ (_a little despairingly_). Can you give the dates of the four +WILLIAMS in English History? + +_Can._ No. Suppose followed one another, as shillings of the time of +WILLIAM THE FOURTH still in use. Suppose WILLIAM THE FIRST must have +been about the end of the Eighteenth Century. + +_Exam._ (_with new hope_). Do you know anything about Geography? + +_Can._ Not without a _Continental Bradshaw_. + +_Exam._ (_nothing daunted_). Can you tell me the name of the spot +which is supposed to be the centre of the universe? + +_Can._ I haven't the faintest idea, but suppose you mean Monte Carlo. + +_Exam._ (_as a last resource_). Do you know anything about Law? + +_Can._ Nothing at all, except that one of my friends had to pay five +pounds, the other day, for assaulting a Policeman. + +_Exam._ (_losing his temper_). Then what on earth _do_ you know? + +_Can._ Only how to break the record of the quarter mile. + +_Exam._ (_brightening up_). And can you play Cricket? + +_Can._ (_contemptuously_). _Can_ I play Cricket! Why I carried my bat +out for 184 against Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest. + +_Exam._ (_cordially grasping his hand_). My dear Sir, after the +satisfactory examination you have just undergone, I shall have much +pleasure in recommending you for a Scholarship. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, Aug_. 8.--Think I mentioned, just before +Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his +warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and +should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged +out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident. + +[Illustration: Asquith, Q.C.] + +"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never did speak +again in that House. This is a different thing. Besides, I'm not going +to make a speech, but to read a paper." + +Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move +Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible. +Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be excused. W.H. CROSS +seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day +disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit. +Fancy he really meant it. GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on +with fond affection. Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet +of water. His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last +moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how +India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know. +Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR. +Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince +said,--"Well, we're not the only parties changing places. I see, +from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into +Opposition." + +GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things too sacred +for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. Moreover, not free +from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact is, been, so to speak, +"on the joke" himself. Modest merit, like murder, will out. No use +attempting to burke what is open secret. All those funereal jokes +in young Cross's speech--his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH +happily put it--were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS _pere_ composed them +in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son. + +"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly +make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for +England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must risk that. +There they are," he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a +black-edged envelope, "and may a father's blessing accompany them." + +There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House as to how +they were to be received. On the whole, went off well. The reference +to "the Government, at whose last hours we have now arrived," and the +proposal to write their epitaph, brought down the House. GRAND CROSS +sitting in Gallery nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged. +In larger leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these +vicarious flashes of latent humour. + +[Illustration: OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.] + +_Business done_.--Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence, +submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech. + +_Tuesday_.--Imminence of change in Ministry brings into prominence and +close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when Home Rule is +established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in +his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always +know, when the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night +good Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish +brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him to +higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, Q.C., "sitting +on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely effective. Irish Members +cruelly and effectually retorted by putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to +reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, but it was a gashly effort. Device +evidently effective. REDMOND did admirably; nothing could have been +better than his grave remark, to presumably alarmed House, that, +having for seven years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure +them that he was "perfectly harmless--perfectly harmless." + +[Illustration: Honest John Burns.] + +"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up his +ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of +SAUNDERSON." + +Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of feeling in +Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., was returned at +General Election, in place of CHARLES LEWIS--a character useful as a +study for young Members, showing how a man of considerable ability, +and distinct Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure. +Ross born and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial +practices. Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are +apt to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If +they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS, +"they'll find the Derry Boy in it." + +So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his +trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up +just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented +by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back his +coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most of +the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered. + +"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a +paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the +bush." + +So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw anything at +New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded successful Maiden +Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets into his locker. + +"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned his +landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off home, at +least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter. + +_Business done_.--More debate on Address. + +_Thursday_.--Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of seats +in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Government. All +the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD +CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for +these, as affording novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says +it was very nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected +every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as they +do in the Parks." + +CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives when he +stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with. ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of order that, in Moving +Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had exhausted his right to speak. +House howled. Just as if, Lyceum crowded to see IRVING play _Charles +the First_, JOHNNIE TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as +CHARLES THE FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago, +IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well done, +and added something to interest of moment. But unnecessary. JOSEPH +equal to occasion without adventitious aid. + +[Illustration: Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am.] + +A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T +KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better with his +quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt tripping up. As +usual, best where speech broken in upon with rude interruption. Note +the incident when launched upon his peroration, carefully prepared +and perilously adventured upon. House not passionately fond of +perorations. Will suffer them only from Mr. G. and one or two others. +CHAMBERLAIN rarely rises to peroration point. To-night a great +occasion. Solemn enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling +tide, he came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to +consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face turned to +Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his back rose shouts +of ironical cheers and noisy laughter, "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped +perforce, and with scornful gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob +behind, said, "Yes, to the others I do not speak;" then went on and +finished his sentence. + +"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. + +"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made for +Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a story I heard +when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going on in a quiet street +in Glasgow. Among the company present was observed a man whom nobody +seemed to know, but who was bustling about as if he were in charge +of most things. At last the undertaker, jealous of his own position, +suggested he had better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the +Unknown, his eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the +corpp.' Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the +corpp, and we must bear with him a little." + +That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet. There may +come times of distress and famine when he will be heard of from Egypt. + +_Business done_.--The Government's. Wound up by a majority of 40 in +turbulent House of 660 Members. + + * * * * * + +OVIDIUS REMARK. + +[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE. + +Ovid quite at Tomi. Tomi not quite at Tomi at Ovid.] + + (_From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from Gout, has + been forbidden his favourite beverage_.) + +DEAR TOPER,--Alas, no more of "The generous" for some time to come, +and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from my Tea! "What, no +soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for "Soap," and there I am. My boy +TOMMY, who is at home for the holidays, reminds me of what OVID said +at Tomi, not _to_ TOMMY, as they were not contemporaries, "_Nec tecum +vivere possum, nec sine te_." For "_te_" read "tea," and that's my +case to a T. + +[Greek: Thatts Houtis.] + +_Goughty Street, Old Portman Square._ + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--And now for another glance +at Racing. Next week we have meetings at Stockton and Wolverhampton, +and the most important race is the Stockton Handicap, for which I will +append my usual poetic selection:-- + +_STOCKTON HANDICAP SELECTION._ + + A difficult river to cross, I am told, + Is the one that is known as the Styx; + But, if rider and horseman be equally bold, + You can _do it by aid of "The Pyx"_! + +This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been +"selectionless" for some weeks, and have therefore been unable to bet, +unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable information given +by _all_ the other sporting writers, but never by, yours truly, + +LADY GAY. _Nash Hotel, Bournemouth._ + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, August 20, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15049.txt or 15049.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/0/4/15049/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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