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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:54 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:54 -0700 |
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diff --git a/15049-h/15049-h.htm b/15049-h/15049-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0e8bfb --- /dev/null +++ b/15049-h/15049-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2344 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, August 20, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +August 20, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 20, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 14, 2005 [EBook #15049] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 20, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" + id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> + + <h2>AD PUELLAM.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Detective cameras have become favourite playthings + with ladies of fashion."—<i>Ladies' Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You used to prate of plates and prints</p> + + <p class="i2">And "quick developers" before,</p> + + <p>In spite of not unfrequent hints</p> + + <p class="i2">That these in time become a bore;</p> + + <p>But then this photographic craze</p> + + <p class="i2">Seemed little but a foolish fad,</p> + + <p>While now its very latest phase</p> + + <p class="i2">Appears to me distinctly bad.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since even your devoted friends</p> + + <p class="i2">At sight of you were wont to fly,</p> + + <p>You manage still to gain your ends,</p> + + <p class="i2">And photograph them on the sly;</p> + + <p>The muff, the cloak with ample folds,</p> + + <p class="i2">The parcel, and the biscuit-tin,</p> + + <p>I know that each discreetly holds</p> + + <p class="i2">Detective lenses hid within.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Should CROESUS greet you with a smile,</p> + + <p class="i2">A "bromide" will record the fact;</p> + + <p>Should STREPHON help you o'er a stile,</p> + + <p class="i2">The film will take him in the act.</p> + + <p>Yet this renown, if truth be said,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is fame they'd rather be without;</p> + + <p>Nor, I assure you, will they wed</p> + + <p class="i2">A lady photographic tout.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ANTIQUITY OF GOLF.</h3> + + <p>That Golf was a game probably known to and played by + pre-Adamite Man (whoever he may have been; name and address not + given) is evidenced by the learned Canon TRISTRAM's observation + in the Biology Section of the British Association Meeting last + week, to the effect that "he (the Canon) had never seen a + better collection of these Links connecting the present with + the past world." This must be most interesting to all + Golf-players.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/73-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73-1.png" + alt="NOT MEMBERS OF 'BRITISH ASSOCIATION.'" /></a> + + <h3>NOT MEMBERS OF "BRITISH ASSOCIATION."</h3> + + <p><i>First Passenger</i> (<i>reading Morning Paper</i>). + "'PSYCHICAL CHARACTER OF HYSTERICAL AMBLYOPIA'!! DON'T EVEN + KNOW WHAT 'PSYCHICAL' MEANS! WHAT DOES IT MEAN, OLD + MAN?"</p> + + <p><i>Fellow Passenger</i>. "DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE, DEAR + BOY! SOMETHING TO DO WITH <i>BRAINS</i>, I B'LIEVE. NOT AT + ALL IN <i>MY LINE</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>'ARRIET.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">A Realistic Rhapsody.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>With Apologies to Mr. Henry Kendatt, Author of + "Astarte," in the "Bookman."</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/73-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73-2.png" + alt="'Arriet." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Across the wind-blown bridges,</p> + + <p class="i4">O look, lugubrious Night!</p> + + <p>She comes, the red-haired beauty</p> + + <p class="i4">Illumined by gaslight!</p> + + <p class="i4">By London's dim gaslight!</p> + + <p class="i2">So hush, ye cads, your roar!</p> + + <p>Behind her plumes are waving</p> + + <p class="i2">Her oil'd fringe flaps before.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O 'ARRIET, Cockney sister,</p> + + <p class="i4">Your face is writhed with jeers;</p> + + <p>How awful is the angle</p> + + <p class="i4">Of those protuberant ears!</p> + + <p class="i4">Those red, protuberant ears!</p> + + <p class="i2">And your splay feet—O lor!!!</p> + + <p>My loud, my Cockney sister,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where oil'd fringe flops before!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, 'ARRIET! gracious 'eavens,</p> + + <p class="i4">How your greased locks do glow!</p> + + <p>I swoon! The "hodoration"</p> + + <p class="i4">(I heard you call it so)</p> + + <p class="i4">Sickens my senses so;</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis "Citronel"—no more,</p> + + <p>That scents, like a cheap barber's,</p> + + <p class="i2">That oil'd fringe hung before.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'ARRIET, my knowing darling,</p> + + <p class="i4">Your eyes a cross-watch keep,</p> + + <p>You're togged in shop-girl's fashion,</p> + + <p class="i4">Your cloak is bugled deep,</p> + + <p class="i4">Black-bugled broad and deep,</p> + + <p class="i2">With buttons dappled o'er,</p> + + <p>Good gr-racious! how it's grown, too—</p> + + <p class="i2">That oil'd fringe flopped before!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That "bang" is awfully trying,</p> + + <p class="i4">That odour maddens me.</p> + + <p>By Jingo! you've been dyeing</p> + + <p class="i4">Those rufous locks, I see,</p> + + <p class="i4">Those sandy locks, I see,</p> + + <p class="i2">They're darker than of yore.</p> + + <p>Avaunt! I'd be forgetting</p> + + <p class="i2">That oil'd fringe flopped before.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RATHER APPROPRIATE.</h2> + + <p>Under the heading "Military Education," there appears in + <i>The Tablet</i>, an advertisement concerning preparation for + examinations at Woolwich and Sandhurst by "the Rev. E. VON + ORSBACH, F.R.G.S., F.R.Hist.S., late Tutor to their Highnesses + the Princes of THURN-AND-TAXIS." What a suggestive name for a + tutor preparing young men for a Cavalry Regiment is "VON + ORSBACH!" Not only would pupils surmount all difficulties of + EUCLID's propositions, but being brought up by VON ORSBACH, + they would dare all "riders!" Then as to the Princes, his + pupils, cannot we conceive of the first Prince THURN how he has + been turned out a perfect 'orseman by VON ORSBACH, and how it + would tax all an Examiner's ingenuity to pluck TAXIS. Pity that + when one Prince was called TAXIS the other wasn't named RATES. + But evidently this was an oversight. A neat couplet might head + this advertisement, and add to its attractiveness, as for + instance:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Every question, whatever they ax is,</p> + + <p>Will in its THURN be answered by TAXIS.</p> + + <p>TAXIS and THURN, for a win you'll of course + back,</p> + + <p>The pick of the stable, the trainer VON ORSBACH.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>We wish him a continuance of the successes which from his + list this Equestrian Military Tutor—he can't he a "coach" + as he is an ORSBACH—has already obtained. It's a German + name, but it sounds more like 'Orsetrian (!)</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUI BONO?—"It is a mistake," quoth <i>The World</i> + last week, "to suppose that Mr. GLADSTONE complacently regards + Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT as his '<i>Alter Ego</i>.'" Mr. G. being + the "<i>Ego</i>" it is not very likely that Sir WILLIAM V. + HARCOURT is likely to "alter" any of his Leader's plans. Still + an "<i>Alter Ego</i>" is very useful whenever Mr. GLADSTONE may + want to "wink The Other I."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" + id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/74.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/74.png" + alt="1492 V. 1892." /></a> + + <h3>1492 V. 1892.</h3><i>Christopher Columbus</i>. "WHAT! + GO OVER IN FIVE DAYS! WHY, IF I'D HAD A SHIP LIKE THAT, I'D + HAVE DISCOVERED EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" + id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> + + <h2>ELECTION AGONIES.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By a Re-elected M.P.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, there I stood beside my wife,</p> + + <p class="i2">And called it—whilst the mob + cheered wildly—</p> + + <p>"The proudest moment of my life,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Which it was <i>not</i>, to put it + mildly.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Heavens, how they cheered! Up went their caps,</p> + + <p class="i2">To see their Member safely seated;</p> + + <p>Who in his inmost soul, perhaps,</p> + + <p class="i2">Had almost wished himself defeated.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The girls are pleased. And Mrs. T.,</p> + + <p class="i2">Has fairy visions of a handle</p> + + <p>To grace the name she shares with me;</p> + + <p class="i2">But is the game quite worth the + candle?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Six years of unremitting work,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of flower-shows, bazaars, and + speeches,</p> + + <p>Of sturdy mendicants who lurk</p> + + <p class="i2">In wait to act as sturdy leeches.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The faddists—Anti-This-and-That—</p> + + <p class="i2">Blue-spectacled "One Vote, One + Person"—</p> + + <p>Extract a promise, prompt and pat,</p> + + <p class="i2">The while their heads you hurl a curse + on.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And in return? The dull debate,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dreary unimportant question,</p> + + <p>The pressure of affairs of State,</p> + + <p class="i2">A muddled brain, a lost digestion.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Six years of it. I <i>cannot</i> stand</p> + + <p class="i2">At any cost another bout of it;</p> + + <p>But, given away on every hand,</p> + + <p class="i2">I don't quite see how to get out of + it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe,</p> + + <p class="i2">And so 'mid general adulation,</p> + + <p>I'll rescue some poor party waif</p> + + <p class="i2">By Chiltern Hundreds resignation.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The world will quickly roar applause,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of martyrs I shall be the latest;</p> + + <p>But I'm the party and the cause</p> + + <p class="i2">To whom the service will be greatest!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SONG OF GRATITUDE (<i>by a Nervous Equestrian on the + exceptional absence of 'Arry-cyclists or "Wheelmen" from the + road to Wimbledon</i>).—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you?</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh no, no, No!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/75.png" + alt="A MATTER OF 'COURSE.'" /></a> + + <h3>A MATTER OF "COURSE."</h3> + + <p><i>Eminent German Specialist</i>. "VAT VATERS 'AVE YOU + BEEN IN ZE 'ABIT OF TAKING?"</p> + + <p><i>English Gouty Patient</i>. "WATER! HAVEN'T TOUCHED A + DROP, EXCEPT WITH MY TEA, FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!"</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Upon which a mild course of Homburg, + Kissengen, Marienbad, and Karlsbad is at once + prescribed.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HOW INSULTAN'!</h2> + + <center> + <i>British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister, + London.</i> + </center> + + <p>No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of + Privy Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my + house, and smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain + that Sultan is at bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous + to him?</p> + + <center> + <i>Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy, + Timbuctoo.</i> + </center> + + <p>Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not + to notice stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo + with British Force. If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather + think Timbuctoo was discovered by an Irishman, and called after + him, TIM BUCKTOO. Eh?</p> + + <center> + <i>British Envoy to Foreign Minister.</i> + </center> + + <p>Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say + aspect of affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about + the stone-throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord + Chamberlain, heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under + my own apartment. Gratifying. Treaty on point of being + signed.</p> + + <center> + <i>Foreign Minister to British Envoy.</i> + </center> + + <p>Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick! + France, not unnaturally, seems rather galled. See joke? Play on + word "Gaul."</p> + + <center> + <i>British Envoy to Foreign Minister.</i> + </center> + + <p>Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more + of 'em. Treaty settled! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all + British subjects trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs. + Draft, with Sultan's signature, returned to him to be properly + copied out. Mere formality. Packing up, and off to Coast + to-night.</p> + + <center> + <i>Same to Same.</i> + </center> + + <p>Arrived at coast. Treaty in carpet-bag. Regret to say, that + on examining it, find that Sultan has slipped in the little + word "not" in every clause. Makes hash of whole thing. What + shall I do?</p> + + <center> + <i>Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy.</i> + </center> + + <p>Do nothing! Former Foreign Minister no longer in Office. + General Election <i>has</i> taken place. Whole subject will be + reconsidered, with quite new lights, before long. Off for a + holiday just now, and can't attend to it. You'll hear from me + again in about six months. Meanwhile, your motto must + be—"<i>Fez-tina lente</i>!" Last joke. Brilliant. Just + going to let it off at dinner-party. P.S.—Great + success.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>REEF-LECTION.—Delivering judgment in the case of + <i>Osborne</i> v. <i>Aaron's Reef, Limited</i>, Mr. Justice + CHITTY, in the interests of the public, was justly severe on + both plaintiff and defendants, declining "to give any costs in + this action to such a Company." Everyone is familiar with the + nautical expression of "taking in a reef," which seems to have + been a slightly difficult operation for anyone to perform with + AARON's Reef, which, after the manner of AARON's Rod, when it + was transformed into a serpent, appears to possess the faculty + of swallowing to a very considerable extent. Knowing brokers, + if consulted, would not have sung to unwary clients the popular + ditty "<i>Keep your Aarons</i>," but would have recommended + them, being in, to be out again in double-quick time, if there + were any chance of an immediate though small ready-money profit + to be made, before one could have said "Scissors!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" + id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> + + <h2>MARGATE BY MOONLIGHT.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>It is about nine</i> P.M.; <i>in the West, a faint + saffron flush is lingering above the green and opal sea, + while the upper part of the church tower still keeps the + warm glow of sunset. The stars are beginning to appear, and + a mellow half moon is rising in a deep violet sky. Lamps + are twinkling above the dusky cliffs, and along the curve + of the shore.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Reader will kindly imagine himself on a seat at + the end of the Pier, where the Sand is playing, and scraps + of conversation from his neighbours and passing + promenaders, reach his ear involuntarily.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Fair Promenader</i> (<i>roused to enthusiasm by the + surroundings</i>). Oh, don't it look lovely at night? + (<i>Impulsively.</i>) I can't <i>'elp</i> sayin' so.</p> + + <p><i>Her Companion</i> (<i>whose emotions are less easily + stirred</i>). Why?</p> + + <p><i>The Fair P.</i> (<i>apologetically</i>). Oh, I don't + know exactly—these sort o' scenes always <i>do</i> + take my fancy.</p> + + <p><i>Her Comp.</i> (<i>making a concession to her + weakness</i>). Well, I must say it's picturesque + enough—what with the gas outside the 'All by the Sea, + and the lamps on the whilk stalls.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/76.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/76.png" + alt="'Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's <i>vulgar</i>.'" /> + </a>"Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's + <i>vulgar</i>." + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First Girl</i> (<i>on seat—to Second</i>). Here + comes that young SPIFFING. I do hope he won't come + bothering <i>us</i>! (Mr. S. <i>gratifies her desire by + promenading past in bland unconsciousness</i>.) Well, I do + call that <i>cool</i>! He must have seen us. Too grand to + be seen talking to us <i>here</i>, I suppose!</p> + + <p><i>Second Girl</i>. I'm sure I wouldn't be seen talking + to <i>him</i>, that's all! Why, he's on'y— [<i>They + pick him to pieces relentlessly.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Girl</i>. Take care—he's coming round + again. Now we shall see. Mind you don't begin laughing, or + else you'll set <i>me</i> off!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As a natural consequence</i>, Mr. S.'s <i>approach + excites them both to paroxysms of maidenly mirth.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>halting in front of them</i>). You two + seem 'ighly amused at something. What's the joke?</p> + + <p><i>Second Girl</i> (<i>as the first is compelled to bury + her face behind her friend's back</i>). Don't you be too + curious. I'll tell you this much—at <i>your</i> + expense!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> Oh, is it? Then you might let Me 'ave a + a'porth!</p> + + <p><i>First Girl</i>. BELLA, if you tell him, I'll never + speak to you again.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As there is nothing particular to tell</i>, Miss + BELLA <i>preserves the secret.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>reconnoitring his rear + suspiciously</i>). There's nothing pinned on to my + coat-tails, is there? (<i>Renewed mirth from the + couple</i>.) Well, I see you're occupied—so, good + evenin'.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Walks on, with offended dignity.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Second Girl</i>. There! I <i>knew</i> how it would + be—he's gone off in a huff now!</p> + + <p><i>First Girl</i>. Let him! He ought to know better than + take offence at nothing. And such a ridic'lous little + object as he's looking, too! What else can he + <i>expect</i>, I'd like to know!... Don't you feel it + chilly, sitting still?</p> + + <p><i>Second Girl</i> (<i>rising with alacrity</i>). I was + just thinking. Suppose we take a turn—the + <i>other</i> way round, or he might think—</p> + + <p><i>First Girl</i>. We'll show him others have their + pride as well as him. [<i>They disappear in the + crowd.</i></p> + + <p><i>Mr. Spiffing</i> (<i>repassing a few minutes later, + with one of the young Ladies on each arm</i>). Well, there, + say no more about it—so long as it wasn't at Me, I + don't mind! [<i>They pass on.</i></p> + + <p><i>A Wheezy Matron</i> (<i>in a shawl</i>). She was a + prettier byby in the fice than any o' the others—sech + a lydylike byby she was—we never 'ad no bother with + her! and never, as long as I live, shall I forgit her + Grandpa's words when he saw her settin' up in her 'igh + cheer at tea, with her little cheeks a marsk o' marmalade. + "LOUISER JYNE," he sez, "you mark my words—she's the + on'y reelly <i>nice</i> byby you ever 'ad, or <i>will</i> + ave!"</p> + + <p><i>Her Comp</i>. An' he wasn't given to compliments in a + general way, neither, <i>was</i> he?</p> + + <p><i>Anxious Mother</i>. I can't make him out. Sometimes I + think he means something, and yet,—Every morning + we've been here, he's come up to her on the Pier, and + brought her a carnation inside of his 'at.</p> + + <p><i>Her Confidante</i>. Then depend upon it, my dear, he + has intentions. <i>I</i> should say so, certingly!</p> + + <p><i>The Mother</i>. Ah, but CARRIE tells me she's dropped + her glove, accidental-like, over and over again, and he's + always picked it up,—and handed it back to her. I + reelly don't know what <i>to</i> think!</p> + + <p><i>The Confidante</i>. Well, I wouldn't lose + heart—with the moon drawin' on to the full, as it + is!</p> + + <p><i>A Seaside Siren</i> (<i>conscious of a dazzling + complexion—to a suburban</i> Ulysses). I wish I could + get brown—I think it's so awfully becoming—but + I never can!</p> + + <p><i>Ulysses</i>. Some people <i>are</i> like that. On'y + turn <i>red</i>, you know, specially the nose—catches + 'em <i>there</i>, y'know!</p> + + <p><i>The Siren</i>. I'm obliged to you, I'm sure! Is that + meant to be personal?</p> + + <p><i>Ulysses</i>. Oh, I wasn't thinking of <i>you</i> when + I said that.</p> + + <p><i>The Siren</i>. You're very complimentary. But do tell + me—am <i>I</i> like that? (<i>She presents her face + for his inspection</i>.) Candidly, now.</p> + + <p><i>Ulysses</i> (<i>conscientiously</i>). Well, I don't + notice anything particular—but, you see, colours + don't show up by moonlight.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Siren <i>coldly intimates that her</i> + Mother <i>will be waiting supper for them.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Habitué</i>. Some people will tell yer, now, that + Margit's <i>vulgar</i>. They must be precious 'ard to + please, that's all! I'm as partickler as what most are, and + I can assure yer if there was anythink o' <i>that</i> sort + about, I shouldn't come down 'ere reglar, season after + season, like I do!</p> + + <p><i>His Companion</i>. In course not—and no more + shouldn't I, neither!</p> + + <h4><i>Along the Esplanade.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Female Voice</i> (<i>from the recesses of a glazed + shelter</i>). But if you're on the sands all day, how is it + I never <i>see</i> you?</p> + + <p><i>Male Voice</i> (<i>mysteriously</i>). Would you like + to know? Really? You shall. (<i>With pride</i>.) I'm one of + the Niggers!</p> + + <p><i>Fem. V.</i> (<i>deeply impressed</i>). Not "GUSSIE," + or "Uncle ERNIE!"</p> + + <p><i>Male V.</i> (<i>with proud superiority</i>). Not + exactly. I conduct, <i>I</i> do—on the 'armonium.</p> + + <p><i>Fern. V.</i> (<i>rapturously</i>). Oh! I 'ad a sort + o' feeling, from the very first, that you must be + <i>Somebody</i>!</p> + + <p><i>A Lodging-House Keeper</i>. Yes, nice people they + was—I don't know when I've <i>'ad</i> such nice + people. I'll tell you what they <i>did</i> ... They come on + a Thursday—yes, Thursday it was—and took the + rooms from the Saturday followin' to the next + Saturday—and then they stopped on to the Saturday + after that. I do call that nice—don't <i>you</i>?</p> + + <p><i>A Mystic Plaint</i> (<i>from a Bench</i>). Many and + many a time I've borrered the kittles for them when the + School Inspector was comin'—and now for them to turn + round on me like this! It's a shame, it is.</p> + + <p><i>A Lady of Economical Principles</i> (<i>at a + Bow-window, addressing her</i> Husband <i>at the + railings</i>). Why, my dear <i>feller</i>, why ever did you + go and do <i>that</i>—when there was a bed empty 'ere + for him?</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" + id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span> + + <p><i>The Husband</i> (<i>sulkily</i>). No one ever said a + word to <i>me</i> about there being a bed. And I've taken + one for him now at the Paragon, anyway—so + <i>that's</i> settled!</p> + + <p><i>The Economical Lady</i>. I call it downright + foolishness to go paying 'alf-a-crown a night for a bed, + when there's one all ready <i>'ere</i> for him! And you + don't know <i>how</i> long he may mean to stop, either!</p> + + <p><i>The Self-invited Visitor</i> (<i>suddenly emerging + from the shadow</i>).—You'll be 'appy to know, Mum, + that your 'ospitality will not exceed the 'alf-crown. Good + evenin'. [<i>Retires to the Paragon.</i></p> + + <p><i>The Econ. L.</i> (<i>regretfully</i>). And a lobster + ordered in for supper a-purpose for him, too!</p> + + <p><i>A Street Musician</i> (<i>with a portable piano</i>). + I will next attempt a love-song. I feel full of love + to-night. Oh, Ladies and + Gentlemen—(<i>earnestly</i>)—take advantage of + a salubrious night like this! Anyone who has not yet + contributed will kindly embrace this opportunity of placing + his offering upon the instrument; after which I shall + endeavour to sing you "<i>In Old Madrid</i>." Oh, + <i>what</i> a difficult ditty it is, to be sure, dear + Ladies and Gentlemen—especially as it makes the + twenty-seventh I've sung since tea-time—however, I + will do my best. (<i>He sings it</i>.) That will conclude + my <i>al-fresco</i> Concert for this evening. And now, + thanking you all for your generous patronage of my humble + efforts, and again reminding those who have not yet + expressed their appreciation in a pecuniary form, that I am + now about to circulate with the hat for the last time, I + wish you all farewell, and balmy slumbers!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He collects the final coins, and wheels away the + piano. The crowd disperses; the listeners in the + lodging-house balconies retire; and the Crescent is silent + and deserted.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>One of the Baron's "Merry Men All" has been reading and + enjoying Mr. BARRY PAIN's <i>Stories and Interludes</i>. The + book has a wondrously weird and heavily-lined picture in front, + which is just a little too like a "Prophetic Hieroglyphic" in + <i>Zadkiel's Almanack</i>. An emaciated and broken-winged devil + is apparently carrying an engine-hose through a churchyard, + whilst a bat flits against a curious sky, which looks like a + young grainer's first attempt at imitating "birds'-eye maple." + Upon a second glance it seems possible that the "hose" is a + snake, the tail of which the devil is gnawing. The gruesome + design illustrates a yet more gruesome Interlude, entitled, + "<i>The Bat and the Devil.</i>" But it gives no fair idea of + the contents of the volume, some of which are charming.</p> + + <p>Read <i>White Nights</i>, stories within a story, told by a + tragical "Fool," of the breed of HUGO's <i>Rigoletto</i>, and + POE's <i>Hopfrog</i>—with a difference. They are told + with force and grace, and with unstrained, but moving pathos. + Read "The Dog That Got Found," a brief sketch indeed, but + abundantly suggestive. Poor <i>Fido</i>—the "dog that got + to be utterly sick of conventionality," and came to such bitter + grief in his search for "life poignant and intense!" He might + read a lesson to many a two-legged prig, were the bipedal + nincompoop capable of learning it.</p> + + <p><i>The Glass of Supreme Moments</i> is, perhaps, needlessly + enigmatical, and <i>Rural Simplicity</i>, <i>Concealed Art</i>, + and <i>Two Poets</i>, strike one as superfluously "unpleasant." + Mr. PAIN seems slightly touched with the current literary fad + for making bricks with the smallest possible quantity of straw. + One halfpennyworth of the bread of incident to an intolerable + deal of the sack of strained style and pessimist commentary, + make poorish imaginative pabulum, though there seems an + increasing appetite for it amongst those who, unlike <i>Lucas + Morne</i> in <i>The Glass of Supreme Moments</i>, plume + themselves upon possession of "the finer perceptions." <i>The + Magic Morning</i> is a "scrap" elaborately sauced and + garnished; the fleeting flavour may possess a certain sub-acid + piquancy, but such small dishes of broken meats are hardly + nourishing or wholesome.</p> + + <p>Mr. PAIN has a delicate fancy and a graceful style, a + bitter-sweet humour, and a plentiful endowment of "the finer + perceptions." He has done some good work here, and will do + better—when he finds his subject, and loses his + affectations. Read <i>White Nights</i>, again says the Baron's + "retainer."</p> + + <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>COMING BARONETCY TO BE MUSICALLY NOTED.—Song for a + "Lullaby" or a "Good Knight" from <i>Don Giovanni</i>, and + dedicated by nobody's permission to Sir ARTHUR SEYMOUR + SULLIVAN, would be "<i>Barty! Barty!</i>" Will Sir EDWARD + SOLOMON be in it? Probably this is "another night."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LAYS OF MODERN HOME.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">No. V.—Butlerless.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/77.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/77.png" + alt="Butler." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! bring my Butler back to me;</p> + + <p class="i2">I stray and lapse alone!</p> + + <p>If this be freedom, to be free</p> + + <p class="i2">Were something best unknown.</p> + + <p>He used to look so grand and grave—</p> + + <p class="i2">So sad when I was slack;</p> + + <p>'Twas difficult to misbehave—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In him was nothing flash nor green—</p> + + <p class="i2">A Seneschal confessed;</p> + + <p>Most people deemed his reverend mien</p> + + <p class="i2">Some family bequest.</p> + + <p>And yet but three short, happy years</p> + + <p class="i2">Had seen him on our tack,</p> + + <p>And made us verge on VERE DE VERES—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Pedigree in swallow-tails,</p> + + <p class="i2">He gave our household "tone."</p> + + <p>My soul plebeian trips and fails</p> + + <p class="i2">(See stanza first) alone.</p> + + <p>I fall on low Bohemian ways,</p> + + <p class="i2">I doff my evening black;</p> + + <p>I dine in blazer all ablaze—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I breakfast now and smoke in bed;</p> + + <p class="i2">I wrench the bell for coals;</p> + + <p>No master-hand and master-head</p> + + <p class="i2">The day's routine controls.</p> + + <p>No stately form in homage curved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our commissariat's lack,</p> + + <p>Veneers with, "<i>Dinner, Sir, is + served</i>"—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A few old friends drop in at times,</p> + + <p class="i2">But ah! their zest is gone;</p> + + <p>No organ voice with awe sublimes</p> + + <p class="i2">BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.</p> + + <p>They sound to me quite commonplace,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who seemed a ducal pack:</p> + + <p>'Twas he who lent them rank and race—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And <i>they</i> must think me very queer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Each unennobled guest:</p> + + <p>I munch my chop, I quaff my beer</p> + + <p class="i2">At meal-times unrepressed,</p> + + <p>I laugh a laughter rude and loud;</p> + + <p class="i2">My little jokes I crack;</p> + + <p>The parlour-maid with mirth is bowed—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes! bring that paragon to me—</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis true he drank my wine;</p> + + <p>But, as I found it disagree,</p> + + <p class="i2">I don't so much repine:</p> + + <p>'Tis true we missed a little plate</p> + + <p class="i2">When <i>he</i> gave <i>us</i> the + sack.</p> + + <p>But "all things come to them that wait"—</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That gorgeous grace, that smile severe,</p> + + <p class="i2">That look of Lords and Barts,</p> + + <p>These are the charms that most endear</p> + + <p class="i2">His image to our hearts.</p> + + <p>The standard of my broken life</p> + + <p class="i2">With him has gone to rack,</p> + + <p>And, if it were not for my wife,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd bring my Butler back!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>FINE, OR REFINE?</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[An Educational Journal recently suggested the formation + of a "Guild of Courtesy," with especial view to refining + the manners and language of the youth of the working + classes.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hail, noble Guild! By all means drive</p> + + <p class="i2">Expletives from our highways;</p> + + <p>They are the ruin of our roads,</p> + + <p class="i2">The byword of our byways!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And rowdies too—to teach them grace</p> + + <p class="i2">A philanthropic art is;</p> + + <p><i>These</i> subjects for the Guild may well</p> + + <p class="i2">Be called the "Guildy parties"!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The lumbering horse-play of the streets,</p> + + <p class="i2">Can we its spirits soothe?</p> + + <p>Will blarneying do? Or can "the Rough"</p> + + <p class="i2">Be "taken with the smooth"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there's the working girl: can we</p> + + <p class="i2">From yells and rompings wean her?</p> + + <p>For the demeanour of a Miss</p> + + <p class="i2">Is oft a mis-demeanour.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>All</i> ages and <i>all</i> + classes!</p> + + <p>Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts</p> + + <p class="i2">Supply the freest passes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do not such terms as these of hope</p> + + <p class="i2">Your undertaking rob—</p> + + <p>The "common people"—"lower class,"</p> + + <p class="i2">"The vulgar," and "the mob"?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there's our worship of the purse;</p> + + <p class="i2">'Gainst <i>it</i> pray have a tilt</p> + + <p>Oh, gild our manners! But take care</p> + + <p class="i2">They are not silver-gilt!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ALL AT SEA.—The KAISER is reported to be so delighted + with his visit to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat + the journey next year. Fond of military display, if he goes to + Hyde he will be appropriately accompanied by an escort of + German Mounted Marines.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" + id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/78.png" + alt="INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES." /></a> + + <h3>INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES.</h3> + + <p><i>Count Peter van Strubel</i> (<i>just arrived in + England, in time for Her Grace's Concert</i>). "ACH! + TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR LATIES ARE ZÔH + <i>PEAUDIFUL</i>, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZÔH + <i>OCKLY</i>?"</p> + + <p><i>Her Grace.</i> "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE + ENGLISH, COUNT, AND THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT + HAPPENS!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>READING THE STARS À LA MODE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Extract from the Note-book of the Secretary of the + Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company, Limited.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>August</i> 10, 1899.—Open this book just to jot + down briefly the results of our efforts to hold a conversation + with the people living in the adjacent planet. Get a better + notion by this means of what we are doing than the minutes can + afford. Shall leave this book as an heirloom to my successors + in office. In 1892, when we were last nearest Mars (only at a + distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), we came to the + conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to us. They + seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new + telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), + we made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a + white hat. On more careful inspection, found that the old man + was a volcano in a state of eruption. White hat evidently the + smoke. Could distinctly locate the ocean. Unable to discover + more, as the planet went off for another seven years' + cruise.</p> + + <p><i>August</i> 10, 1906.—Jot down, in compliance with + the wishes of my predecessor, the transactions of the Company. + By the way, my new berth is a very pleasant one. Have nothing + to do except every seven years, when we all have to watch Mars + like anything. This time we have a first-class telescope. Fifty + times as powerful as the one of seven years ago. Can count the + hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance. Mars seems quite + close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one of the + mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way + (like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made + out a man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid + donkey! Have to wait for another seven years.</p> + + <p><i>August</i> 10, 1913.—Again ready. Better telescope + than one in use seven years ago. Find we can now read the + Marsian newspapers. They are written in same language as our + own. Nothing in them worth quoting. Evidently "silly season" + over there as well as here. Account of the Sea Serpent. Let off + patent sky-shattering rockets, but the inhabitants of the + adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have arranged + bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand it, + as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe + something like "<i>Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay</i>." Interesting. + Popular song of fourteen years ago just reached our nearest + neighbour in the Solar System. Cannot observe more, as the + planet is off for another seven years.</p> + + <p><i>August</i> 10, 1920.—We ought to do something this + time. Improved telescope; can see everything. So excellent that + we can almost hear the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in + through-space-hurling machinery. We applied this new power to a + pea-shooter, and, at the first shot, was sufficiently fortunate + to hit a Marsian policeman on the nose. He first arrested an + innocent person for the assault, but, on our repeating the + signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the Earth. + Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting. They then + began to watch our signals. They were just about to reply when + we started off for another seven years.</p> + + <p><i>August</i> 10, 1927.—I take up my predecessor's + book to continue these observations. Deeply interested to see + if the inhabitants of the neighbouring planet would remember + the date, and be on the look out for us. Yes, there they were. + We have just signalled "How are you?" But it has received, as + yet, no reply. The Marsians seem to be signalling, but not in + our direction. We have just tried another message, "Good + morning; do you use soap?" Ah, this has woke them up! They + <i>do</i> understand us. They have replied, "Don't be rude." We + are greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet + Mars, we believe?" This has elicited no response. Strange! We + have begged for a reply, and it has just come. Here it + is:—"Don't bother; can't attend to you just now. We are + talking with the planet Jupiter." Time up! Off for another + seven years!</p> + + <p><i>August</i> 10, 1934.—Just one line to add to the + other communications of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars + Intercommunication Company, Limited, has been merged into the + London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and North Saturn Aërial Railway + Company. During the present near approach of Mars to the Earth, + an excursion electric air-torpedo train will leave the Victoria + Station for Pars the Capital of Mars. The excursion will be + personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus. Return + tickets, Second Class, £1,000; First Class (with hotel + coupons), Half an ounce of coal.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" + id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/79.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/79.png" + alt="'WILL THEY WORK?'" /></a> + + <h3>"WILL THEY WORK?"</h3>LORD ROSEBERY (<i>aside to</i> + McHARCOURT, <i>the Gillie</i>). "WONDER WHAT SORT OF A BAG + HE'LL MAKE—<i>OVER THOSE DOGS!!</i>" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" + id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Supplementary and Imaginary Despatch not yet received + at the Foreign Office.</i>)</h4> + + <p>It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that + amongst my <i>suite</i> I had the pleasure to be accompanied by + Herr VON POPOFF, the celebrated Germano-Russian + <i>prestidigitateur</i>. When I received a despatch from the + Foreign Office informing me that I was premature in destroying + the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained + provisions that were entirely different to those which the + Sultan had already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I + made up my mind to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view + to setting things right. I considered it advisable to be + accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, as I counted upon that eminent + conjuror's valuable aid to assist me in carrying out what I + venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object.</p> + + <p>When we reached the room the Sultan was occupying, we found + His Sheriffian Majesty regarding with some indignation, the + remains of the Draft Treaty that had been brought back to him + by the messengers the Sultan had sent to me.</p> + + <p>His Majesty was very angry, and had given orders for the + immediate execution of Herr VON POPOFF and myself, when my + talented assistant gently placed his hand upon the head of the + swarthy and irate Sovereign, and by a clever pass produced an + egg. This amused and amazed the Sultan immensely, and his + Sheriffian Majesty desired that the feat should be repeated. + This request received immediate practical acquiescence as the + wonderworker deliberately extracted eggs from the Sultan's + arms, legs, and whiskers. Having obtained some dozen eggs by + this means, Herr VON POPOFF borrowed a turban from the Prime + Minister, and breaking the eggs into his improvised saucepan, + mixed the mess into a compact mass with the assistance of a + scimitar kindly lent for the occasion by the + Commander-in-Chief.</p> + + <p>"High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" exclaimed the Wizard, and + in a trice, the eggs had disappeared, and in their place + appeared a pound-cake. I have the honour to report that the + cake was then cut into small portions and passed round for + consumption. His Sheriffian Majesty was good enough to partake + of the rather stale comestible. The remainder of the cake was + devoured by the <i>suite</i>.</p> + + <p>By this time the Sultan was in great good humour, when + unfortunately his eyes fell upon the remains of the destroyed + Draft Treaty which were still lying unheeded on the palace + floor. Seeing them his Sheriffian Majesty rolled his eyes + savagely, and sent for the Lord High Executioner.</p> + + <p>It was at this crisis that Herr VON POPOFF showed great + presence of mind and absolute coolness. Without a moment's + hesitation he requested that the fragments of paper might be + given to him. Taking them in his right hand, he placed them in + the turban he had previously used for manufacturing his + pound-cake, and once more repeated his magic formula.</p> + + <p>To the general surprise (and I must not omit my own + individuality from the universal astonishment) he produced a + new Treaty, which I then had the honour of handing to the + Sultan for signature.</p> + + <p>The Treaty (which was subsequently discovered to contain + several important concessions to the country I have the honour + to represent) was then signed, and the <i>prestidigitateur</i> + and I retired loaded with honours.</p> + + <p>I have, in conclusion, to beg permission to wear the + Sheriffian Order of the Diamond-eyed Pig of the Second Class. + The Sun-Star of the Emerald Life-sized White Elephant of the + Double First-Class has already been accepted by Herr VON + POPOFF, as that gentleman, being a foreign subject, has no need + to desire official authorisation to use his recently-acquired + and extremely bulky decoration.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/81.png" + alt="'GROUSE DRIVING.'" /></a> + + <h3>"GROUSE DRIVING."</h3>THIS IS WHAT SHE IMAGINED IT TO + BE IN HER DREAM OF THE 12TH OF AUGUST. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>MEMORABLE.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—So many punning Epitaphs have recently appeared + in the <i>Times à propos</i> of "BOB LOWE," that I am sure you + will now allow me to produce and publish what was rejected by + your Editor, long before the decease of the above-mentioned + eminent Statesman. I thought it, and still think it, uncommonly + good; but the then Editor said, "No—it is unseemly to + joke about the decease of a living celebrity." Now on the good + old maxim of "<i>Nil nisi bonum</i>," I beg you will produce + this, as I'm sure it is, and always was, uncommonly + <i>bonum</i>, and like good wine, all the better for keeping. + Here it is:—</p> + + <h4 class="sc">On the Late B.L.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Bob! has he gone above the sky?</p> + + <p>We hope that it is so.</p> + + <p>Yet when above, however high,</p> + + <p>He'll always be B.-LOWE.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>I've seen nothing to equal this; at least, being a judge of + such things, I may safely say so, adding humbly, "A poor thing, + but mine own."</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, L.S. PRIT D'ESCALIER.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ACCIDENTAL JOKE.—When does an explosion do no harm? + When a husband blows his wife up—and she deserves it.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>INFRA DIG.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find</p> + + <p><i>One</i> Abdiel to enticement bravely blind,</p> + + <p><i>One</i> class not thrall to Plutus. But, + hurroo!</p> + + <p>England rejoice aloud, for thou hast <i>two</i>.</p> + + <p>Sweet are the uses of—Advertisement,</p> + + <p>To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-cent.</p> + + <p>The Mart, the Forum, and—alas!—the + Fane.</p> + + <p>Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain;</p> + + <p>The leaded column and the poster smart</p> + + <p>Seduce the Histrio; e'en the thrall of Art</p> + + <p>Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste,</p> + + <p>That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste.</p> + + <p>The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe</p> + + <p>Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe.</p> + + <p>But there be those share not the general taint;</p> + + <p>The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned Saint.</p> + + <p>Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade</p> + + <p>That would confuse Professions with mere Trade.</p> + + <p>No, briefs and bills of costs <i>may</i> loom too + big,</p> + + <p><i>Harpagon</i> hide beneath a horsehair wig,</p> + + <p><i>Sangrado</i> thrive on flattery and shrewd + knack.</p> + + <p>And <i>Dulcamara</i>, safe in silence, quack;</p> + + <p>But—chortle, oh ye good, rejoice, ye + wise!—</p> + + <p>Physic and Law will + never—<i>Advertise</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE PARIAH."—In the latest copy to hand of that + wonderful penn'orth of gossip and information, <i>Sala's + Journal</i>, Vol. I. No. 16, and in the very first line of the + light and leading article, our "G.A.S." asks "Is Woman a + Pariah?" Of course she is not, we reply, not even if she be the + very masculinest of females. Some, if they are "Riahs" at all, + are "Ma-riahs." "Riah," it may be remembered, is the + abbreviated form of the name as in the once popular Coster's + song of "<i>What cheer Riah?</i>" Whether spelt with or without + an "h" is of no consequence, the Coster not being + particular.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO DR. LOUIS ROBINSON.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>Who said at the British Association that a Baby was + an animal as interesting as any which had been brought from + the uttermost parts of the Earth</i>.)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Quite right, Dr. ROBINSON, perfectly right,</p> + + <p class="i2">No longer the need to repair to the + Zoo;</p> + + <p>No longer we'll see with increasing delight</p> + + <p class="i2">The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe + Kangaroo.</p> + + <p>But the "animal's interest" shall charm us + instead,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though it's scarcely a charm + <i>you've</i> discovered,—at least</p> + + <p>There's many a father who's pointedly said,</p> + + <p class="i2">That his int'resting Babe was a "mere + little beast!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SEASONABLE BUT UNFAIR.—When you have to pay heavily + for light refreshments.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" + id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/82-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/82-1.png" + alt="ATAVISM." /></a> + + <h3>ATAVISM.</h3> + + <p><i>Proud Mother</i>. "BUT <i>REALLY</i> NOW, DR. BIRCH, + DON'T YOU THINK IT RATHER EXTRAORDINARY THAT WE SHOULD HAVE + <i>THREE</i> SUCH CLEVER SONS?"</p> + + <p><i>Dr. B.</i> "WHY, NO, MY DEAR MADAM; NOW YOU HAVE TOLD + ME WHAT A REMARKABLY CLEVER <i>GRANDMOTHER</i> THEY + HAD!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NEXT VIVA VOCE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Due consideration will be given in the selection of + Candidates for Scholarships to proficiency in + athletics."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Examiner</i> (<i>courteously</i>). Have you studied + any Latin author?</p> + + <p><i>Candidate</i> (<i>with hesitation</i>). I once looked + into CORNELIUS NEPOS, but never could construe half a dozen + lines.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> What have you studied in Greek?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> Tried the first page of VALPY, and got + through the present of + τυπτω—then gave it up.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> Do you know anything about Mathematics?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> Fancy I have heard of the Rule of Three, but + hanged if I know much about Fractions.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>a little despairingly</i>). Can you + give the dates of the four WILLIAMS in English History?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> No. Suppose followed one another, as + shillings of the time of WILLIAM THE FOURTH still in use. + Suppose WILLIAM THE FIRST must have been about the end of + the Eighteenth Century.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>with new hope</i>). Do you know + anything about Geography?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> Not without a <i>Continental + Bradshaw</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>nothing daunted</i>). Can you tell me + the name of the spot which is supposed to be the centre of + the universe?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> I haven't the faintest idea, but suppose you + mean Monte Carlo.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>as a last resource</i>). Do you know + anything about Law?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> Nothing at all, except that one of my + friends had to pay five pounds, the other day, for + assaulting a Policeman.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Then what on + earth <i>do</i> you know?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> Only how to break the record of the quarter + mile.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>brightening up</i>). And can you play + Cricket?</p> + + <p><i>Can.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). <i>Can</i> I play + Cricket! Why I carried my bat out for 184 against + Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest.</p> + + <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>cordially grasping his hand</i>). My + dear Sir, after the satisfactory examination you have just + undergone, I shall have much pleasure in recommending you + for a Scholarship.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</h3> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, Aug</i>. 8.—Think I + mentioned, just before Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended + at disregard paid to his warnings by Ministers, protested that + he would never speak again, and should thenceforth be known as + DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged out, prepared to move + Address, reminded him of the incident.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/82-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/82-2.png" + alt="Asquith, Q.C." /></a>Asquith, Q.C. + </div> + + <p>"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never + did speak again in that House. This is a different thing. + Besides, I'm not going to make a speech, but to read a + paper."</p> + + <p>Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation + to move Address at opening of new Session understood to be + irresistible. Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be + excused. W.H. CROSS seconded Address; speech much mystified + House; remains to this day disputed point whether he meant to + be funny, or was merely maladroit. Fancy he really meant it. + GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on with fond affection. + Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet of water. His + counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last moment, + over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how India + is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know. + Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince + ARTHUR. Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing + Corridor, Prince said,—"Well, we're not the only parties + changing places. I see, from the newspapers, that the planet + Mars has already gone into Opposition."</p> + + <p>GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things + too sacred for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. + Moreover, not free from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact + is, been, so to speak, "on the joke" himself. Modest merit, + like murder, will out. No use attempting to burke what is open + secret. All those funereal jokes in young Cross's + speech—his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH + happily put it—were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS + <i>père</i> composed them in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and + made them over to his son.</p> + + <p>"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to + publicly make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior + Counsel for England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must + risk that. There they are," he said, handing him a packet of + manuscript in a black-edged envelope, "and may a father's + blessing accompany them."</p> + + <p>There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House + as to how they were to be received. On the whole, went off + well. The reference to "the Government, at whose last hours we + have now arrived," and the proposal to write their epitaph, + brought down the House. GRAND CROSS sitting in Gallery + nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged. In larger + leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these + vicarious flashes of latent + humour.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" + id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/83.png" + alt="OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN." /></a> + + <h3>OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page84" + id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—Address moved, met with Vote of + No Confidence, submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Imminence of change in Ministry brings + into prominence and close proximity what is likely to happen in + Ireland when Home Rule is established. Irish Members of all + sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in his war-paint, which + assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always know, when + the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night good + Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish + brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him + to higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, + Q.C., "sitting on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely + effective. Irish Members cruelly and effectually retorted by + putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, + but it was a gashly effort. Device evidently effective. REDMOND + did admirably; nothing could have been better than his grave + remark, to presumably alarmed House, that, having for seven + years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure them that he + was "perfectly harmless—perfectly harmless."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/84-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/84-1.png" + alt="Honest John Burns." /></a>Honest John Burns. + </div> + + <p>"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up + his ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard + said of SAUNDERSON."</p> + + <p>Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of + feeling in Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., + was returned at General Election, in place of CHARLES + LEWIS—a character useful as a study for young Members, + showing how a man of considerable ability, and distinct + Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure. Ross born + and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial practices. + Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are apt + to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If they + mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS, + "they'll find the Derry Boy in it."</p> + + <p>So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his + trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got + up just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance + presented by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, + threw back his coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, + and made the most of the paving-stones. Members opposite + whispered, and tittered.</p> + + <p>"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a + paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in + the bush."</p> + + <p>So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw + anything at New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded + successful Maiden Speech, went out and emptied his amazing + pockets into his locker.</p> + + <p>"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he + pawned his landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he + hurried off home, at least a quarter of a hundredweight + lighter.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—More debate on Address.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Splendid House; full from floor to + topmost tier of seats in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene + in history of Government. All the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls + full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, + chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for these, as affording + novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says it was very + nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected + every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as + they do in the Parks."</p> + + <p>CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives + when he stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin + with. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of + order that, in Moving Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had + exhausted his right to speak. House howled. Just as if, Lyceum + crowded to see IRVING play <i>Charles the First</i>, JOHNNIE + TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as CHARLES THE + FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago, + IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well + done, and added something to interest of moment. But + unnecessary. JOSEPH equal to occasion without adventitious + aid.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/84-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/84-2.png" + alt="Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am." /></a>Don't + Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am. + </div> + + <p>A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T + KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better + with his quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt + tripping up. As usual, best where speech broken in upon with + rude interruption. Note the incident when launched upon his + peroration, carefully prepared and perilously adventured upon. + House not passionately fond of perorations. Will suffer them + only from Mr. G. and one or two others. CHAMBERLAIN rarely + rises to peroration point. To-night a great occasion. Solemn + enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling tide, he + came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to + consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face + turned to Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his + back rose shouts of ironical cheers and noisy laughter, + "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped perforce, and with scornful + gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob behind, said, "Yes, + to the others I do not speak;" then went on and finished his + sentence.</p> + + <p>"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF + MALWOOD.</p> + + <p>"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made + for Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a + story I heard when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going + on in a quiet street in Glasgow. Among the company present was + observed a man whom nobody seemed to know, but who was bustling + about as if he were in charge of most things. At last the + undertaker, jealous of his own position, suggested he had + better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the Unknown, his + eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the corpp.' + Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the + corpp, and we must bear with him a little."</p> + + <p>That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet. + There may come times of distress and famine when he will be + heard of from Egypt.</p> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—The Government's. Wound up by a + majority of 40 in turbulent House of 660 Members.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>OVIDIUS REMARK.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <h4>ALL THE + DIFFERENCE.</h4><a href="images/84-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/84-3.png" + alt="ALL THE DIFFERENCE." /></a> + + <table summary="Ovid and Tomi." + align="center" + width="100%"> + <tr> + <td width="50%" + align="center">Ovid quite at Tomi.</td> + + <td width="50%" + align="center">Tomi not quite at Tomi at + Ovid.</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>(<i>From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from + Gout, has been forbidden his favourite beverage</i>.)</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>DEAR TOPER,—Alas, no more of "The generous" for some + time to come, and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from + my Tea! "What, no soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for + "Soap," and there I am. My boy TOMMY, who is at home for the + holidays, reminds me of what OVID said at Tomi, not <i>to</i> + TOMMY, as they were not contemporaries, "<i>Nec tecum vivere + possum, nec sine te</i>." For "<i>te</i>" read "tea," and + that's my case to a T.</p> + + <p class="author">Θαττς + 'Ουτις.</p> + + <p><i>Goughty Street, Old Portman Square.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.—Dear <i>Mr. + Punch</i>,—And now for another glance at Racing. Next + week we have meetings at Stockton and Wolverhampton, and the + most important race is the Stockton Handicap, for which I will + append my usual poetic selection:—</p> + + <h4><i>Stockton Handicap Selection.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A difficult river to cross, I am told,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the one that is known as the Styx;</p> + + <p>But, if rider and horseman be equally bold,</p> + + <p class="i2">You can <i>do it by aid of "The + Pyx"</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been + "selectionless" for some weeks, and have therefore been unable + to bet, unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable + information given by <i>all</i> the other sporting writers, but + never by, yours truly,</p> + + <p class="author">LADY GAY.<br /> + <i>Nash Hotel, Bournemouth.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, August 20, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 15049-h.htm or 15049-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/0/4/15049/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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