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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+August 20, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 20, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 14, 2005 [EBook #15049]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+August 20, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+AD PUELLAM.
+
+    ["Detective cameras have become favourite playthings with
+    ladies of fashion."--_Ladies' Paper_.]
+
+  You used to prate of plates and prints
+    And "quick developers" before,
+  In spite of not unfrequent hints
+    That these in time become a bore;
+  But then this photographic craze
+    Seemed little but a foolish fad,
+  While now its very latest phase
+    Appears to me distinctly bad.
+
+  Since even your devoted friends
+    At sight of you were wont to fly,
+  You manage still to gain your ends,
+    And photograph them on the sly;
+  The muff, the cloak with ample folds,
+    The parcel, and the biscuit-tin,
+  I know that each discreetly holds
+    Detective lenses hid within.
+
+  Should CROESUS greet you with a smile,
+    A "bromide" will record the fact;
+  Should STREPHON help you o'er a stile,
+    The film will take him in the act.
+  Yet this renown, if truth be said,
+    Is fame they'd rather be without;
+  Nor, I assure you, will they wed
+    A lady photographic tout.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANTIQUITY OF GOLF.
+
+That Golf was a game probably known to and played by pre-Adamite Man
+(whoever he may have been; name and address not given) is evidenced by
+the learned Canon TRISTRAM's observation in the Biology Section of
+the British Association Meeting last week, to the effect that "he (the
+Canon) had never seen a better collection of these Links connecting
+the present with the past world." This must be most interesting to all
+Golf-players.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT MEMBERS OF "BRITISH ASSOCIATION."
+
+_First Passenger_ (_reading Morning Paper_). "'PSYCHICAL CHARACTER OF
+HYSTERICAL AMBLYOPIA'!! DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 'PSYCHICAL' MEANS! WHAT
+DOES IT MEAN, OLD MAN?"
+
+_Fellow Passenger_. "DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE, DEAR BOY! SOMETHING TO DO
+WITH _BRAINS_, I B'LIEVE. NOT AT ALL IN _MY LINE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRIET.
+
+A REALISTIC RHAPSODY.
+
+(_WITH APOLOGIES TO MR. HENRY KENDATT, AUTHOR OF "ASTARTE," IN THE
+"BOOKMAN."_)
+
+[Illustration: ('Arriet.)]
+
+  Across the wind-blown bridges,
+      O look, lugubrious Night!
+  She comes, the red-haired beauty
+      Illumined by gaslight!
+      By London's dim gaslight!
+    So hush, ye cads, your roar!
+  Behind her plumes are waving
+    Her oil'd fringe flaps before.
+
+  O 'ARRIET, Cockney sister,
+      Your face is writhed with jeers;
+  How awful is the angle
+      Of those protuberant ears!
+      Those red, protuberant ears!
+    And your splay feet--O lor!!!
+  My loud, my Cockney sister,
+    Where oil'd fringe flops before!
+
+  Ah, 'ARRIET! gracious 'eavens,
+      How your greased locks do glow!
+  I swoon! The "hodoration"
+      (I heard you call it so)
+      Sickens my senses so;
+    'Tis "Citronel"--no more,
+  That scents, like a cheap barber's,
+    That oil'd fringe hung before.
+
+  'ARRIET, my knowing darling,
+      Your eyes a cross-watch keep,
+  You're togged in shop-girl's fashion,
+      Your cloak is bugled deep,
+      Black-bugled broad and deep,
+    With buttons dappled o'er,
+  Good gr-racious! how it's grown, too--
+    That oil'd fringe flopped before!
+
+  That "bang" is awfully trying,
+      That odour maddens me.
+  By Jingo! you've been dyeing
+      Those rufous locks, I see,
+      Those sandy locks, I see,
+    They're darker than of yore.
+  Avaunt! I'd be forgetting
+    That oil'd fringe flopped before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER APPROPRIATE.
+
+Under the heading "Military Education," there appears in _The Tablet_,
+an advertisement concerning preparation for examinations at Woolwich
+and Sandhurst by "the Rev. E. VON ORSBACH, F.R.G.S., F.R.Hist.S.,
+late Tutor to their Highnesses the Princes of THURN-AND-TAXIS." What a
+suggestive name for a tutor preparing young men for a Cavalry Regiment
+is "VON ORSBACH!" Not only would pupils surmount all difficulties
+of EUCLID's propositions, but being brought up by VON ORSBACH, they
+would dare all "riders!" Then as to the Princes, his pupils, cannot
+we conceive of the first Prince THURN how he has been turned out
+a perfect 'orseman by VON ORSBACH, and how it would tax all an
+Examiner's ingenuity to pluck TAXIS. Pity that when one Prince was
+called TAXIS the other wasn't named RATES. But evidently this was an
+oversight. A neat couplet might head this advertisement, and add to
+its attractiveness, as for instance:--
+
+  Every question, whatever they ax is,
+  Will in its THURN be answered by TAXIS.
+  TAXIS and THURN, for a win you'll of course back,
+  The pick of the stable, the trainer VON ORSBACH.
+
+We wish him a continuance of the successes which from his list
+this Equestrian Military Tutor--he can't he a "coach" as he is an
+ORSBACH--has already obtained. It's a German name, but it sounds more
+like 'Orsetrian (!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUI BONO?--"It is a mistake," quoth _The World_ last week, "to suppose
+that Mr. GLADSTONE complacently regards Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT as his
+'_Alter Ego_.'" Mr. G. being the "_Ego_" it is not very likely that
+Sir WILLIAM V. HARCOURT is likely to "alter" any of his Leader's
+plans. Still an "_Alter Ego_" is very useful whenever Mr. GLADSTONE
+may want to "wink The Other I."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 1492 V. 1892.]
+
+[_Christopher Columbus_. "WHAT! GO OVER IN FIVE DAYS! WHY, IF I'D HAD
+A SHIP LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE DISCOVERED EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION AGONIES.
+
+(_BY A RE-ELECTED M.P._)
+
+  Yes, there I stood beside my wife,
+    And called it--whilst the mob cheered wildly--
+  "The proudest moment of my life,"
+    Which it was _not_, to put it mildly.
+
+  Heavens, how they cheered! Up went their caps,
+    To see their Member safely seated;
+  Who in his inmost soul, perhaps,
+    Had almost wished himself defeated.
+
+  The girls are pleased. And Mrs. T.,
+    Has fairy visions of a handle
+  To grace the name she shares with me;
+    But is the game quite worth the candle?
+
+  Six years of unremitting work,
+    Of flower-shows, bazaars, and speeches,
+  Of sturdy mendicants who lurk
+    In wait to act as sturdy leeches.
+
+  The faddists--Anti-This-and-That--
+    Blue-spectacled "One Vote, One Person"--
+  Extract a promise, prompt and pat,
+    The while their heads you hurl a curse on.
+
+  And in return? The dull debate,
+    The dreary unimportant question,
+  The pressure of affairs of State,
+    A muddled brain, a lost digestion.
+
+  Six years of it. I _cannot_ stand
+    At any cost another bout of it;
+  But, given away on every hand,
+    I don't quite see how to get out of it.
+
+  Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe,
+    And so 'mid general adulation,
+  I'll rescue some poor party waif
+    By Chiltern Hundreds resignation.
+
+  The world will quickly roar applause,
+    Of martyrs I shall be the latest;
+  But I'm the party and the cause
+    To whom the service will be greatest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF GRATITUDE (_by a Nervous Equestrian on the exceptional absence
+of 'Arry-cyclists or "Wheelmen" from the road to Wimbledon_).--
+
+  "Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you?
+    Oh no, no, No!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MATTER OF "COURSE."
+
+_Eminent German Specialist_. "VAT VATERS 'AVE YOU BEEN IN ZE 'ABIT OF
+TAKING?"
+
+_English Gouty Patient_. "WATER! HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP, EXCEPT WITH
+MY TEA, FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!"
+
+[_Upon which a mild course of Homburg, Kissengen, Marienbad, and
+Karlsbad is at once prescribed._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW INSULTAN'!
+
+_British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister, London._
+
+No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of Privy
+Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my house, and
+smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain that Sultan is at
+bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous to him?
+
+_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy, Timbuctoo._
+
+Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not to notice
+stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo with British Force.
+If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather think Timbuctoo was discovered
+by an Irishman, and called after him, TIM BUCKTOO. Eh?
+
+_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._
+
+Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say aspect
+of affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about the
+stone-throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord Chamberlain,
+heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under my own apartment.
+Gratifying. Treaty on point of being signed.
+
+_Foreign Minister to British Envoy._
+
+Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick! France, not
+unnaturally, seems rather galled. See joke? Play on word "Gaul."
+
+_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._
+
+Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more of 'em.
+Treaty settled! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all British subjects
+trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs. Draft, with Sultan's
+signature, returned to him to be properly copied out. Mere formality.
+Packing up, and off to Coast to-night.
+
+_Same to Same._
+
+Arrived at coast. Treaty in carpet-bag. Regret to say, that on
+examining it, find that Sultan has slipped in the little word "not" in
+every clause. Makes hash of whole thing. What shall I do?
+
+_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy._
+
+Do nothing! Former Foreign Minister no longer in Office. General
+Election _has_ taken place. Whole subject will be reconsidered,
+with quite new lights, before long. Off for a holiday just now, and
+can't attend to it. You'll hear from me again in about six months.
+Meanwhile, your motto must be--"_Fez-tina lente_!" Last joke.
+Brilliant. Just going to let it off at dinner-party. P.S.--Great
+success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REEF-LECTION.--Delivering judgment in the case of _Osborne_ v.
+_Aaron's Reef, Limited_, Mr. Justice CHITTY, in the interests of the
+public, was justly severe on both plaintiff and defendants, declining
+"to give any costs in this action to such a Company." Everyone is
+familiar with the nautical expression of "taking in a reef," which
+seems to have been a slightly difficult operation for anyone to
+perform with AARON's Reef, which, after the manner of AARON's Rod,
+when it was transformed into a serpent, appears to possess the faculty
+of swallowing to a very considerable extent. Knowing brokers, if
+consulted, would not have sung to unwary clients the popular ditty
+"_Keep your Aarons_," but would have recommended them, being in, to
+be out again in double-quick time, if there were any chance of an
+immediate though small ready-money profit to be made, before one could
+have said "Scissors!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MARGATE BY MOONLIGHT.
+
+    _It is about nine P.M.; in the West, a faint saffron flush
+    is lingering above the green and opal sea, while the upper
+    part of the church tower still keeps the warm glow of sunset.
+    The stars are beginning to appear, and a mellow half moon is
+    rising in a deep violet sky. Lamps are twinkling above the
+    dusky cliffs, and along the curve of the shore._
+
+    _The Reader will kindly imagine himself on a seat at the
+    end of the Pier, where the Sand is playing, and scraps of
+    conversation from his neighbours and passing promenaders,
+    reach his ear involuntarily._
+
+_Fair Promenader_ (_roused to enthusiasm by the surroundings_). Oh,
+don't it look lovely at night? (_Impulsively._) I can't _'elp_ sayin'
+so.
+
+_Her Companion_ (_whose emotions are less easily stirred_). Why?
+
+_The Fair P._ (_apologetically_). Oh, I don't know exactly--these sort
+o' scenes always _do_ take my fancy.
+
+_Her Comp._ (_making a concession to her weakness_). Well, I must say
+it's picturesque enough--what with the gas outside the 'All by the
+Sea, and the lamps on the whilk stalls.
+
+[Illustration: "Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's
+_vulgar_."]
+
+_First Girl_ (_on seat--to Second_). Here comes that young SPIFFING. I
+do hope he won't come bothering _us_! (_Mr. S. gratifies her desire
+by promenading past in bland unconsciousness_.) Well, I do call that
+_cool_! He must have seen us. Too grand to be seen talking to us
+_here_, I suppose!
+
+_Second Girl_. I'm sure I wouldn't be seen talking to _him_, that's
+all! Why, he's on'y-- [_They pick him to pieces relentlessly._
+
+_First Girl_. Take care--he's coming round again. Now we shall see.
+Mind you don't begin laughing, or else you'll set _me_ off!
+
+    [_As a natural consequence, Mr. S.'s approach excites them
+    both to paroxysms of maidenly mirth._
+
+_Mr. S._ (_halting in front of them_). You two seem 'ighly amused at
+something. What's the joke?
+
+_Second Girl_ (_as the first is compelled to bury her face behind her
+friend's back_). Don't you be too curious. I'll tell you this much--at
+_your_ expense!
+
+_Mr. S._ Oh, is it? Then you might let Me 'ave a a'porth!
+
+_First Girl_. BELLA, if you tell him, I'll never speak to you again.
+
+    [_As there is nothing particular to tell, Miss BELLA
+    preserves the secret._
+
+_Mr. S._ (_reconnoitring his rear suspiciously_). There's nothing
+pinned on to my coat-tails, is there? (_Renewed mirth from the
+couple_.) Well, I see you're occupied--so, good evenin'.
+
+    [_Walks on, with offended dignity._
+
+_Second Girl_. There! I _knew_ how it would be--he's gone off in a
+huff now!
+
+_First Girl_. Let him! He ought to know better than take offence at
+nothing. And such a ridic'lous little object as he's looking, too!
+What else can he _expect_, I'd like to know!... Don't you feel it
+chilly, sitting still?
+
+_Second Girl_ (_rising with alacrity_). I was just thinking. Suppose
+we take a turn--the _other_ way round, or he might think--
+
+_First Girl_. We'll show him others have their pride as well as him.
+[_They disappear in the crowd._
+
+_Mr. Spiffing_ (_repassing a few minutes later, with one of the young
+Ladies on each arm_). Well, there, say no more about it--so long as it
+wasn't at Me, I don't mind! [_They pass on._
+
+_A Wheezy Matron_ (_in a shawl_). She was a prettier byby in the fice
+than any o' the others--sech a lydylike byby she was--we never 'ad
+no bother with her! and never, as long as I live, shall I forgit her
+Grandpa's words when he saw her settin' up in her 'igh cheer at tea,
+with her little cheeks a marsk o' marmalade. "LOUISER JYNE," he sez,
+"you mark my words--she's the on'y reelly _nice_ byby you ever 'ad, or
+_will_ ave!"
+
+_Her Comp_. An' he wasn't given to compliments in a general way,
+neither, _was_ he?
+
+_Anxious Mother_. I can't make him out. Sometimes I think he means
+something, and yet,--Every morning we've been here, he's come up to
+her on the Pier, and brought her a carnation inside of his 'at.
+
+_Her Confidante_. Then depend upon it, my dear, he has intentions. _I_
+should say so, certingly!
+
+_The Mother_. Ah, but CARRIE tells me she's dropped her glove,
+accidental-like, over and over again, and he's always picked it
+up,--and handed it back to her. I reelly don't know what _to_ think!
+
+_The Confidante_. Well, I wouldn't lose heart--with the moon drawin'
+on to the full, as it is!
+
+_A Seaside Siren_ (_conscious of a dazzling complexion--to a
+suburban Ulysses_). I wish I could get brown--I think it's so awfully
+becoming--but I never can!
+
+_Ulysses_. Some people _are_ like that. On'y turn _red_, you know,
+specially the nose--catches 'em _there_, y'know!
+
+_The Siren_. I'm obliged to you, I'm sure! Is that meant to be
+personal?
+
+_Ulysses_. Oh, I wasn't thinking of _you_ when I said that.
+
+_The Siren_. You're very complimentary. But do tell me--am _I_ like
+that? (_She presents her face for his inspection_.) Candidly, now.
+
+_Ulysses_ (_conscientiously_). Well, I don't notice anything
+particular--but, you see, colours don't show up by moonlight.
+
+    [_The Siren coldly intimates that her Mother will be
+    waiting supper for them._
+
+_An Habitué_. Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's _vulgar_.
+They must be precious 'ard to please, that's all! I'm as partickler
+as what most are, and I can assure yer if there was anythink o' _that_
+sort about, I shouldn't come down 'ere reglar, season after season,
+like I do!
+
+_His Companion_. In course not--and no more shouldn't I, neither!
+
+_ALONG THE ESPLANADE._
+
+_Female Voice_ (_from the recesses of a glazed shelter_). But if
+you're on the sands all day, how is it I never _see_ you?
+
+_Male Voice_ (_mysteriously_). Would you like to know? Really? You
+shall. (_With pride_.) I'm one of the Niggers!
+
+_Fem. V._ (_deeply impressed_). Not "GUSSIE," or "Uncle ERNIE!"
+
+_Male V._ (_with proud superiority_). Not exactly. I conduct, _I_
+do--on the 'armonium.
+
+_Fern. V._ (_rapturously_). Oh! I 'ad a sort o' feeling, from the very
+first, that you must be _Somebody_!
+
+_A Lodging-House Keeper_. Yes, nice people they was--I don't know when
+I've _'ad_ such nice people. I'll tell you what they _did_ ... They
+come on a Thursday--yes, Thursday it was--and took the rooms from the
+Saturday followin' to the next Saturday--and then they stopped on to
+the Saturday after that. I do call that nice--don't _you_?
+
+_A Mystic Plaint_ (_from a Bench_). Many and many a time I've borrered
+the kittles for them when the School Inspector was comin'--and now for
+them to turn round on me like this! It's a shame, it is.
+
+_A Lady of Economical Principles_ (_at a Bow-window, addressing her
+Husband at the railings_). Why, my dear _feller_, why ever did you go
+and do _that_--when there was a bed empty 'ere for him?
+
+_The Husband_ (_sulkily_). No one ever said a word to _me_ about there
+being a bed. And I've taken one for him now at the Paragon, anyway--so
+_that's_ settled!
+
+_The Economical Lady_. I call it downright foolishness to go paying
+'alf-a-crown a night for a bed, when there's one all ready _'ere_ for
+him! And you don't know _how_ long he may mean to stop, either!
+
+_The Self-invited Visitor_ (_suddenly emerging from the
+shadow_).--You'll be 'appy to know, Mum, that your 'ospitality will
+not exceed the 'alf-crown. Good evenin'. [_Retires to the Paragon._
+
+_The Econ. L._ (_regretfully_). And a lobster ordered in for supper
+a-purpose for him, too!
+
+_A Street Musician_ (_with a portable piano_). I will next attempt
+a love-song. I feel full of love to-night. Oh, Ladies and
+Gentlemen--(_earnestly_)--take advantage of a salubrious night like
+this! Anyone who has not yet contributed will kindly embrace this
+opportunity of placing his offering upon the instrument; after which I
+shall endeavour to sing you "_In Old Madrid_." Oh, _what_ a difficult
+ditty it is, to be sure, dear Ladies and Gentlemen--especially as it
+makes the twenty-seventh I've sung since tea-time--however, I will do
+my best. (_He sings it_.) That will conclude my _al-fresco_ Concert
+for this evening. And now, thanking you all for your generous
+patronage of my humble efforts, and again reminding those who have not
+yet expressed their appreciation in a pecuniary form, that I am now
+about to circulate with the hat for the last time, I wish you all
+farewell, and balmy slumbers!
+
+    [_He collects the final coins, and wheels away the piano. The
+    crowd disperses; the listeners in the lodging-house balconies
+    retire; and the Crescent is silent and deserted._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+One of the Baron's "Merry Men All" has been reading and enjoying Mr.
+BARRY PAIN's _Stories and Interludes_. The book has a wondrously weird
+and heavily-lined picture in front, which is just a little too like
+a "Prophetic Hieroglyphic" in _Zadkiel's Almanack_. An emaciated and
+broken-winged devil is apparently carrying an engine-hose through a
+churchyard, whilst a bat flits against a curious sky, which looks like
+a young grainer's first attempt at imitating "birds'-eye maple." Upon
+a second glance it seems possible that the "hose" is a snake, the tail
+of which the devil is gnawing. The gruesome design illustrates a yet
+more gruesome Interlude, entitled, "_The Bat and the Devil._" But it
+gives no fair idea of the contents of the volume, some of which are
+charming.
+
+Read _White Nights_, stories within a story, told by a tragical
+"Fool," of the breed of HUGO's _Rigoletto_, and POE's _Hopfrog_--with
+a difference. They are told with force and grace, and with unstrained,
+but moving pathos. Read "The Dog That Got Found," a brief sketch
+indeed, but abundantly suggestive. Poor _Fido_--the "dog that got to
+be utterly sick of conventionality," and came to such bitter grief in
+his search for "life poignant and intense!" He might read a lesson
+to many a two-legged prig, were the bipedal nincompoop capable of
+learning it.
+
+_The Glass of Supreme Moments_ is, perhaps, needlessly enigmatical,
+and _Rural Simplicity_, _Concealed Art_, and _Two Poets_, strike one
+as superfluously "unpleasant." Mr. PAIN seems slightly touched with
+the current literary fad for making bricks with the smallest possible
+quantity of straw. One halfpennyworth of the bread of incident to
+an intolerable deal of the sack of strained style and pessimist
+commentary, make poorish imaginative pabulum, though there seems an
+increasing appetite for it amongst those who, unlike _Lucas Morne_ in
+_The Glass of Supreme Moments_, plume themselves upon possession of
+"the finer perceptions." _The Magic Morning_ is a "scrap" elaborately
+sauced and garnished; the fleeting flavour may possess a certain
+sub-acid piquancy, but such small dishes of broken meats are hardly
+nourishing or wholesome.
+
+Mr. PAIN has a delicate fancy and a graceful style, a bitter-sweet
+humour, and a plentiful endowment of "the finer perceptions." He
+has done some good work here, and will do better--when he finds his
+subject, and loses his affectations. Read _White Nights_, again says
+the Baron's "retainer."
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMING BARONETCY TO BE MUSICALLY NOTED.--Song for a "Lullaby" or
+a "Good Knight" from _Don Giovanni_, and dedicated by nobody's
+permission to Sir ARTHUR SEYMOUR SULLIVAN, would be "_Barty! Barty!_"
+Will Sir EDWARD SOLOMON be in it? Probably this is "another night."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAYS OF MODERN HOME.
+
+NO. V.--BUTLERLESS.
+
+[Illustration: (Butler.)]
+
+  Oh! bring my Butler back to me;
+    I stray and lapse alone!
+  If this be freedom, to be free
+    Were something best unknown.
+  He used to look so grand and grave--
+    So sad when I was slack;
+  'Twas difficult to misbehave--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  In him was nothing flash nor green--
+    A Seneschal confessed;
+  Most people deemed his reverend mien
+    Some family bequest.
+  And yet but three short, happy years
+    Had seen him on our tack,
+  And made us verge on VERE DE VERES--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  A Pedigree in swallow-tails,
+    He gave our household "tone."
+  My soul plebeian trips and fails
+    (See stanza first) alone.
+  I fall on low Bohemian ways,
+    I doff my evening black;
+  I dine in blazer all ablaze--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  I breakfast now and smoke in bed;
+    I wrench the bell for coals;
+  No master-hand and master-head
+    The day's routine controls.
+  No stately form in homage curved,
+    Our commissariat's lack,
+  Veneers with, "_Dinner, Sir, is served_"--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  A few old friends drop in at times,
+    But ah! their zest is gone;
+  No organ voice with awe sublimes
+    BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.
+  They sound to me quite commonplace,
+    Who seemed a ducal pack:
+  'Twas he who lent them rank and race--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  And _they_ must think me very queer,
+    Each unennobled guest:
+  I munch my chop, I quaff my beer
+    At meal-times unrepressed,
+  I laugh a laughter rude and loud;
+    My little jokes I crack;
+  The parlour-maid with mirth is bowed--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  Yes! bring that paragon to me--
+    'Tis true he drank my wine;
+  But, as I found it disagree,
+    I don't so much repine:
+  'Tis true we missed a little plate
+    When _he_ gave _us_ the sack.
+  But "all things come to them that wait"--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  That gorgeous grace, that smile severe,
+    That look of Lords and Barts,
+  These are the charms that most endear
+    His image to our hearts.
+  The standard of my broken life
+    With him has gone to rack,
+  And, if it were not for my wife,
+    I'd bring my Butler back!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINE, OR REFINE?
+
+    [An Educational Journal recently suggested the formation of
+    a "Guild of Courtesy," with especial view to refining the
+    manners and language of the youth of the working classes.]
+
+  Hail, noble Guild! By all means drive
+    Expletives from our highways;
+  They are the ruin of our roads,
+    The byword of our byways!
+
+  And rowdies too--to teach them grace
+    A philanthropic art is;
+  _These_ subjects for the Guild may well
+    Be called the "Guildy parties"!
+
+  The lumbering horse-play of the streets,
+    Can we its spirits soothe?
+  Will blarneying do? Or can "the Rough"
+    Be "taken with the smooth"?
+
+  And there's the working girl: can we
+    From yells and rompings wean her?
+  For the demeanour of a Miss
+    Is oft a mis-demeanour.
+
+  O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand
+    _All_ ages and _all_ classes!
+  Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts
+    Supply the freest passes.
+
+  Do not such terms as these of hope
+    Your undertaking rob--
+  The "common people"--"lower class,"
+    "The vulgar," and "the mob"?
+
+  And there's our worship of the purse;
+    'Gainst _it_ pray have a tilt
+  Oh, gild our manners! But take care
+    They are not silver-gilt!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL AT SEA.--The KAISER is reported to be so delighted with his visit
+to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat the journey next
+year. Fond of military display, if he goes to Hyde he will be
+appropriately accompanied by an escort of German Mounted Marines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES.
+
+_Count Peter van Strubel_ (_just arrived in England, in time for
+Her Grace's Concert_). "ACH! TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR
+LATIES ARE ZÔH _PEAUDIFUL_, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZÔH _OCKLY_?"
+
+_Her Grace._ "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE ENGLISH, COUNT, AND
+THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT HAPPENS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READING THE STARS À LA MODE.
+
+(_EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS
+INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED._)
+
+_August_ 10, 1899.--Open this book just to jot down briefly the
+results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living
+in the adjacent planet. Get a better notion by this means of what
+we are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as
+an heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last
+nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts),
+we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to
+us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new
+telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made
+out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. On more
+careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of
+eruption. White hat evidently the smoke. Could distinctly locate the
+ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another
+seven years' cruise.
+
+_August_ 10, 1906.--Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my
+predecessor, the transactions of the Company. By the way, my new berth
+is a very pleasant one. Have nothing to do except every seven years,
+when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This time we have a
+first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven
+years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance.
+Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one
+of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way
+(like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made out a
+man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid donkey! Have to
+wait for another seven years.
+
+_August_ 10, 1913.--Again ready. Better telescope than one in use
+seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers. They are
+written in same language as our own. Nothing in them worth quoting.
+Evidently "silly season" over there as well as here. Account of
+the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets, but the
+inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have
+arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand
+it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe something
+like "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_." Interesting. Popular song of fourteen
+years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the Solar System.
+Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another seven years.
+
+_August_ 10, 1920.--We ought to do something this time. Improved
+telescope; can see everything. So excellent that we can almost hear
+the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in through-space-hurling
+machinery. We applied this new power to a pea-shooter, and, at the
+first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian policeman on
+the nose. He first arrested an innocent person for the assault, but,
+on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the
+Earth. Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting. They then
+began to watch our signals. They were just about to reply when we
+started off for another seven years.
+
+_August_ 10, 1927.--I take up my predecessor's book to continue these
+observations. Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants of the
+neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the look out
+for us. Yes, there they were. We have just signalled "How are you?"
+But it has received, as yet, no reply. The Marsians seem to be
+signalling, but not in our direction. We have just tried another
+message, "Good morning; do you use soap?" Ah, this has woke them up!
+They _do_ understand us. They have replied, "Don't be rude." We are
+greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet Mars, we
+believe?" This has elicited no response. Strange! We have begged for a
+reply, and it has just come. Here it is:--"Don't bother; can't attend
+to you just now. We are talking with the planet Jupiter." Time up! Off
+for another seven years!
+
+_August_ 10, 1934.--Just one line to add to the other communications
+of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company,
+Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and
+North Saturn Aërial Railway Company. During the present near approach
+of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric air-torpedo train will
+leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital of Mars. The excursion
+will be personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus. Return
+tickets, Second Class, £1,000; First Class (with hotel coupons), Half
+an ounce of coal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WILL THEY WORK?"
+
+LORD ROSEBERY (_aside to McHARCOURT, the Gillie_). "WONDER WHAT SORT
+OF A BAG HE'LL MAKE--_OVER THOSE DOGS!!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.
+
+(_SUPPLEMENTARY AND IMAGINARY DESPATCH NOT YET RECEIVED AT THE FOREIGN
+OFFICE._)
+
+It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that amongst
+my _suite_ I had the pleasure to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF,
+the celebrated Germano-Russian _prestidigitateur_. When I received a
+despatch from the Foreign Office informing me that I was premature
+in destroying the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained
+provisions that were entirely different to those which the Sultan had
+already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I made up my mind
+to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view to setting things
+right. I considered it advisable to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF,
+as I counted upon that eminent conjuror's valuable aid to assist me in
+carrying out what I venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object.
+
+When we reached the room the Sultan was occupying, we found His
+Sheriffian Majesty regarding with some indignation, the remains of the
+Draft Treaty that had been brought back to him by the messengers the
+Sultan had sent to me.
+
+His Majesty was very angry, and had given orders for the immediate
+execution of Herr VON POPOFF and myself, when my talented assistant
+gently placed his hand upon the head of the swarthy and irate
+Sovereign, and by a clever pass produced an egg. This amused and
+amazed the Sultan immensely, and his Sheriffian Majesty desired that
+the feat should be repeated. This request received immediate practical
+acquiescence as the wonderworker deliberately extracted eggs from the
+Sultan's arms, legs, and whiskers. Having obtained some dozen eggs by
+this means, Herr VON POPOFF borrowed a turban from the Prime Minister,
+and breaking the eggs into his improvised saucepan, mixed the mess
+into a compact mass with the assistance of a scimitar kindly lent for
+the occasion by the Commander-in-Chief.
+
+"High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" exclaimed the Wizard, and in
+a trice, the eggs had disappeared, and in their place appeared a
+pound-cake. I have the honour to report that the cake was then cut
+into small portions and passed round for consumption. His Sheriffian
+Majesty was good enough to partake of the rather stale comestible. The
+remainder of the cake was devoured by the _suite_.
+
+By this time the Sultan was in great good humour, when unfortunately
+his eyes fell upon the remains of the destroyed Draft Treaty which
+were still lying unheeded on the palace floor. Seeing them his
+Sheriffian Majesty rolled his eyes savagely, and sent for the Lord
+High Executioner.
+
+It was at this crisis that Herr VON POPOFF showed great presence of
+mind and absolute coolness. Without a moment's hesitation he requested
+that the fragments of paper might be given to him. Taking them in
+his right hand, he placed them in the turban he had previously used
+for manufacturing his pound-cake, and once more repeated his magic
+formula.
+
+To the general surprise (and I must not omit my own individuality from
+the universal astonishment) he produced a new Treaty, which I then had
+the honour of handing to the Sultan for signature.
+
+The Treaty (which was subsequently discovered to contain several
+important concessions to the country I have the honour to represent)
+was then signed, and the _prestidigitateur_ and I retired loaded with
+honours.
+
+I have, in conclusion, to beg permission to wear the Sheriffian Order
+of the Diamond-eyed Pig of the Second Class. The Sun-Star of the
+Emerald Life-sized White Elephant of the Double First-Class has
+already been accepted by Herr VON POPOFF, as that gentleman, being a
+foreign subject, has no need to desire official authorisation to use
+his recently-acquired and extremely bulky decoration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GROUSE DRIVING."
+
+THIS IS WHAT SHE IMAGINED IT TO BE IN HER DREAM OF THE 12TH OF
+AUGUST.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEMORABLE.
+
+SIR,--So many punning Epitaphs have recently appeared in the _Times à
+propos_ of "BOB LOWE," that I am sure you will now allow me to produce
+and publish what was rejected by your Editor, long before the decease
+of the above-mentioned eminent Statesman. I thought it, and still
+think it, uncommonly good; but the then Editor said, "No--it is
+unseemly to joke about the decease of a living celebrity." Now on the
+good old maxim of "_Nil nisi bonum_," I beg you will produce this,
+as I'm sure it is, and always was, uncommonly _bonum_, and like good
+wine, all the better for keeping. Here it is:--
+
+ON THE LATE B.L.
+
+  Bob! has he gone above the sky?
+  We hope that it is so.
+  Yet when above, however high,
+  He'll always be B.-LOWE.
+
+I've seen nothing to equal this; at least, being a judge of such
+things, I may safely say so, adding humbly, "A poor thing, but mine
+own."
+
+Yours, L.S. PRIT D'ESCALIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACCIDENTAL JOKE.--When does an explosion do no harm? When a husband
+blows his wife up--and she deserves it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFRA DIG.
+
+  Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find
+  _One_ Abdiel to enticement bravely blind,
+  _One_ class not thrall to Plutus. But, hurroo!
+  England rejoice aloud, for thou hast _two_.
+  Sweet are the uses of--Advertisement,
+  To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-cent.
+  The Mart, the Forum, and--alas!--the Fane.
+  Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain;
+  The leaded column and the poster smart
+  Seduce the Histrio; e'en the thrall of Art
+  Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste,
+  That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste.
+  The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe
+  Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe.
+  But there be those share not the general taint;
+  The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned Saint.
+  Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade
+  That would confuse Professions with mere Trade.
+  No, briefs and bills of costs _may_ loom too big,
+  _Harpagon_ hide beneath a horsehair wig,
+  _Sangrado_ thrive on flattery and shrewd knack.
+  And _Dulcamara_, safe in silence, quack;
+  But--chortle, oh ye good, rejoice, ye wise!--
+  Physic and Law will never--_Advertise_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PARIAH."--In the latest copy to hand of that wonderful penn'orth
+of gossip and information, _Sala's Journal_, Vol. I. No. 16, and in
+the very first line of the light and leading article, our "G.A.S."
+asks "Is Woman a Pariah?" Of course she is not, we reply, not even if
+she be the very masculinest of females. Some, if they are "Riahs" at
+all, are "Ma-riahs." "Riah," it may be remembered, is the abbreviated
+form of the name as in the once popular Coster's song of "_What cheer
+Riah?_" Whether spelt with or without an "h" is of no consequence, the
+Coster not being particular.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO DR. LOUIS ROBINSON.
+
+    (_Who said at the British Association that a Baby was an
+    animal as interesting as any which had been brought from the
+    uttermost parts of the Earth_.)
+
+  Quite right, Dr. ROBINSON, perfectly right,
+    No longer the need to repair to the Zoo;
+  No longer we'll see with increasing delight
+    The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe Kangaroo.
+  But the "animal's interest" shall charm us instead,
+    Though it's scarcely a charm _you've_ discovered,--at least
+  There's many a father who's pointedly said,
+    That his int'resting Babe was a "mere little beast!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE BUT UNFAIR.--When you have to pay heavily for light
+refreshments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ATAVISM.
+
+_Proud Mother_. "BUT _REALLY_ NOW, DR. BIRCH, DON'T YOU THINK IT
+RATHER EXTRAORDINARY THAT WE SHOULD HAVE _THREE_ SUCH CLEVER SONS?"
+
+_Dr. B._ "WHY, NO, MY DEAR MADAM; NOW YOU HAVE TOLD ME WHAT A
+REMARKABLY CLEVER _GRANDMOTHER_ THEY HAD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT VIVA VOCE.
+
+    ["Due consideration will be given in the selection
+    of Candidates for Scholarships to proficiency in
+    athletics."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+_Examiner_ (_courteously_). Have you studied any Latin author?
+
+_Candidate_ (_with hesitation_). I once looked into CORNELIUS NEPOS,
+but never could construe half a dozen lines.
+
+_Exam._ What have you studied in Greek?
+
+_Can._ Tried the first page of VALPY, and got through the present of
+[Greek: tuptô]--then gave it up.
+
+_Exam._ Do you know anything about Mathematics?
+
+_Can._ Fancy I have heard of the Rule of Three, but hanged if I know
+much about Fractions.
+
+_Exam._ (_a little despairingly_). Can you give the dates of the four
+WILLIAMS in English History?
+
+_Can._ No. Suppose followed one another, as shillings of the time of
+WILLIAM THE FOURTH still in use. Suppose WILLIAM THE FIRST must have
+been about the end of the Eighteenth Century.
+
+_Exam._ (_with new hope_). Do you know anything about Geography?
+
+_Can._ Not without a _Continental Bradshaw_.
+
+_Exam._ (_nothing daunted_). Can you tell me the name of the spot
+which is supposed to be the centre of the universe?
+
+_Can._ I haven't the faintest idea, but suppose you mean Monte Carlo.
+
+_Exam._ (_as a last resource_). Do you know anything about Law?
+
+_Can._ Nothing at all, except that one of my friends had to pay five
+pounds, the other day, for assaulting a Policeman.
+
+_Exam._ (_losing his temper_). Then what on earth _do_ you know?
+
+_Can._ Only how to break the record of the quarter mile.
+
+_Exam._ (_brightening up_). And can you play Cricket?
+
+_Can._ (_contemptuously_). _Can_ I play Cricket! Why I carried my bat
+out for 184 against Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest.
+
+_Exam._ (_cordially grasping his hand_). My dear Sir, after the
+satisfactory examination you have just undergone, I shall have much
+pleasure in recommending you for a Scholarship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, Aug_. 8.--Think I mentioned, just before
+Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his
+warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and
+should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged
+out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident.
+
+[Illustration: Asquith, Q.C.]
+
+"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never did speak
+again in that House. This is a different thing. Besides, I'm not going
+to make a speech, but to read a paper."
+
+Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move
+Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible.
+Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be excused. W.H. CROSS
+seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day
+disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit.
+Fancy he really meant it. GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on
+with fond affection. Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet
+of water. His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last
+moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how
+India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know.
+Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR.
+Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince
+said,--"Well, we're not the only parties changing places. I see,
+from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into
+Opposition."
+
+GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things too sacred
+for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. Moreover, not free
+from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact is, been, so to speak,
+"on the joke" himself. Modest merit, like murder, will out. No use
+attempting to burke what is open secret. All those funereal jokes
+in young Cross's speech--his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH
+happily put it--were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS _père_ composed them
+in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son.
+
+"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly
+make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for
+England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must risk that.
+There they are," he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a
+black-edged envelope, "and may a father's blessing accompany them."
+
+There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House as to how
+they were to be received. On the whole, went off well. The reference
+to "the Government, at whose last hours we have now arrived," and the
+proposal to write their epitaph, brought down the House. GRAND CROSS
+sitting in Gallery nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged.
+In larger leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these
+vicarious flashes of latent humour.
+
+[Illustration: OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.]
+
+_Business done_.--Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence,
+submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Imminence of change in Ministry brings into prominence and
+close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when Home Rule is
+established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in
+his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always
+know, when the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night
+good Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish
+brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him to
+higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, Q.C., "sitting
+on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely effective. Irish Members
+cruelly and effectually retorted by putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to
+reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, but it was a gashly effort. Device
+evidently effective. REDMOND did admirably; nothing could have been
+better than his grave remark, to presumably alarmed House, that,
+having for seven years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure
+them that he was "perfectly harmless--perfectly harmless."
+
+[Illustration: Honest John Burns.]
+
+"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up his
+ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of
+SAUNDERSON."
+
+Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of feeling in
+Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., was returned at
+General Election, in place of CHARLES LEWIS--a character useful as a
+study for young Members, showing how a man of considerable ability,
+and distinct Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure.
+Ross born and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial
+practices. Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are
+apt to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If
+they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS,
+"they'll find the Derry Boy in it."
+
+So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his
+trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up
+just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented
+by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back his
+coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most of
+the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered.
+
+"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a
+paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the
+bush."
+
+So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw anything at
+New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded successful Maiden
+Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets into his locker.
+
+"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned his
+landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off home, at
+least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter.
+
+_Business done_.--More debate on Address.
+
+_Thursday_.--Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of seats
+in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Government. All
+the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD
+CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for
+these, as affording novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says
+it was very nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected
+every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as they
+do in the Parks."
+
+CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives when he
+stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with. ALPHEUS
+CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of order that, in Moving
+Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had exhausted his right to speak.
+House howled. Just as if, Lyceum crowded to see IRVING play _Charles
+the First_, JOHNNIE TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as
+CHARLES THE FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago,
+IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well done,
+and added something to interest of moment. But unnecessary. JOSEPH
+equal to occasion without adventitious aid.
+
+[Illustration: Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am.]
+
+A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T
+KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better with his
+quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt tripping up. As
+usual, best where speech broken in upon with rude interruption. Note
+the incident when launched upon his peroration, carefully prepared
+and perilously adventured upon. House not passionately fond of
+perorations. Will suffer them only from Mr. G. and one or two others.
+CHAMBERLAIN rarely rises to peroration point. To-night a great
+occasion. Solemn enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling
+tide, he came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to
+consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face turned to
+Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his back rose shouts
+of ironical cheers and noisy laughter, "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped
+perforce, and with scornful gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob
+behind, said, "Yes, to the others I do not speak;" then went on and
+finished his sentence.
+
+"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF MALWOOD.
+
+"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made for
+Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a story I heard
+when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going on in a quiet street
+in Glasgow. Among the company present was observed a man whom nobody
+seemed to know, but who was bustling about as if he were in charge
+of most things. At last the undertaker, jealous of his own position,
+suggested he had better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the
+Unknown, his eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the
+corpp.' Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the
+corpp, and we must bear with him a little."
+
+That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet. There may
+come times of distress and famine when he will be heard of from Egypt.
+
+_Business done_.--The Government's. Wound up by a majority of 40 in
+turbulent House of 660 Members.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVIDIUS REMARK.
+
+[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+Ovid quite at Tomi. Tomi not quite at Tomi at Ovid.]
+
+    (_From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from Gout, has
+    been forbidden his favourite beverage_.)
+
+DEAR TOPER,--Alas, no more of "The generous" for some time to come,
+and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from my Tea! "What, no
+soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for "Soap," and there I am. My boy
+TOMMY, who is at home for the holidays, reminds me of what OVID said
+at Tomi, not _to_ TOMMY, as they were not contemporaries, "_Nec tecum
+vivere possum, nec sine te_." For "_te_" read "tea," and that's my
+case to a T.
+
+[Greek: Thatts Houtis.]
+
+_Goughty Street, Old Portman Square._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--And now for another glance
+at Racing. Next week we have meetings at Stockton and Wolverhampton,
+and the most important race is the Stockton Handicap, for which I will
+append my usual poetic selection:--
+
+_STOCKTON HANDICAP SELECTION._
+
+  A difficult river to cross, I am told,
+    Is the one that is known as the Styx;
+  But, if rider and horseman be equally bold,
+    You can _do it by aid of "The Pyx"_!
+
+This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been
+"selectionless" for some weeks, and have therefore been unable to bet,
+unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable information given
+by _all_ the other sporting writers, but never by, yours truly,
+
+LADY GAY. _Nash Hotel, Bournemouth._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, August 20, 1892, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+August 20, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 20, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 14, 2005 [EBook #15049]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 103.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>August 20, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73"
+       id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span>
+
+    <h2>AD PUELLAM.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Detective cameras have become favourite playthings
+        with ladies of fashion."&mdash;<i>Ladies' Paper</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You used to prate of plates and prints</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And "quick developers" before,</p>
+
+            <p>In spite of not unfrequent hints</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That these in time become a bore;</p>
+
+            <p>But then this photographic craze</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seemed little but a foolish fad,</p>
+
+            <p>While now its very latest phase</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Appears to me distinctly bad.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Since even your devoted friends</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At sight of you were wont to fly,</p>
+
+            <p>You manage still to gain your ends,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And photograph them on the sly;</p>
+
+            <p>The muff, the cloak with ample folds,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The parcel, and the biscuit-tin,</p>
+
+            <p>I know that each discreetly holds</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Detective lenses hid within.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Should CROESUS greet you with a smile,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A "bromide" will record the fact;</p>
+
+            <p>Should STREPHON help you o'er a stile,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The film will take him in the act.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet this renown, if truth be said,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is fame they'd rather be without;</p>
+
+            <p>Nor, I assure you, will they wed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A lady photographic tout.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>ANTIQUITY OF GOLF.</h3>
+
+    <p>That Golf was a game probably known to and played by
+    pre-Adamite Man (whoever he may have been; name and address not
+    given) is evidenced by the learned Canon TRISTRAM's observation
+    in the Biology Section of the British Association Meeting last
+    week, to the effect that "he (the Canon) had never seen a
+    better collection of these Links connecting the present with
+    the past world." This must be most interesting to all
+    Golf-players.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/73-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/73-1.png"
+             alt="NOT MEMBERS OF 'BRITISH ASSOCIATION.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>NOT MEMBERS OF "BRITISH ASSOCIATION."</h3>
+
+        <p><i>First Passenger</i> (<i>reading Morning Paper</i>).
+        "'PSYCHICAL CHARACTER OF HYSTERICAL AMBLYOPIA'!! DON'T EVEN
+        KNOW WHAT 'PSYCHICAL' MEANS! WHAT DOES IT MEAN, OLD
+        MAN?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fellow Passenger</i>. "DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE, DEAR
+        BOY! SOMETHING TO DO WITH <i>BRAINS</i>, I B'LIEVE. NOT AT
+        ALL IN <i>MY LINE</i>!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>'ARRIET.</h2>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">A Realistic Rhapsody.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>With Apologies to Mr. Henry Kendatt, Author of
+    "Astarte," in the "Bookman."</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/73-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/73-2.png"
+             alt="'Arriet." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Across the wind-blown bridges,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">O look, lugubrious Night!</p>
+
+            <p>She comes, the red-haired beauty</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Illumined by gaslight!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">By London's dim gaslight!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So hush, ye cads, your roar!</p>
+
+            <p>Behind her plumes are waving</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Her oil'd fringe flaps before.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O 'ARRIET, Cockney sister,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Your face is writhed with jeers;</p>
+
+            <p>How awful is the angle</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Of those protuberant ears!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Those red, protuberant ears!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And your splay feet&mdash;O lor!!!</p>
+
+            <p>My loud, my Cockney sister,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where oil'd fringe flops before!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah, 'ARRIET! gracious 'eavens,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">How your greased locks do glow!</p>
+
+            <p>I swoon! The "hodoration"</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">(I heard you call it so)</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Sickens my senses so;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis "Citronel"&mdash;no more,</p>
+
+            <p>That scents, like a cheap barber's,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That oil'd fringe hung before.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'ARRIET, my knowing darling,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Your eyes a cross-watch keep,</p>
+
+            <p>You're togged in shop-girl's fashion,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Your cloak is bugled deep,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Black-bugled broad and deep,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With buttons dappled o'er,</p>
+
+            <p>Good gr-racious! how it's grown, too&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That oil'd fringe flopped before!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That "bang" is awfully trying,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">That odour maddens me.</p>
+
+            <p>By Jingo! you've been dyeing</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Those rufous locks, I see,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Those sandy locks, I see,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They're darker than of yore.</p>
+
+            <p>Avaunt! I'd be forgetting</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That oil'd fringe flopped before.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RATHER APPROPRIATE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Under the heading "Military Education," there appears in
+    <i>The Tablet</i>, an advertisement concerning preparation for
+    examinations at Woolwich and Sandhurst by "the Rev. E. VON
+    ORSBACH, F.R.G.S., F.R.Hist.S., late Tutor to their Highnesses
+    the Princes of THURN-AND-TAXIS." What a suggestive name for a
+    tutor preparing young men for a Cavalry Regiment is "VON
+    ORSBACH!" Not only would pupils surmount all difficulties of
+    EUCLID's propositions, but being brought up by VON ORSBACH,
+    they would dare all "riders!" Then as to the Princes, his
+    pupils, cannot we conceive of the first Prince THURN how he has
+    been turned out a perfect 'orseman by VON ORSBACH, and how it
+    would tax all an Examiner's ingenuity to pluck TAXIS. Pity that
+    when one Prince was called TAXIS the other wasn't named RATES.
+    But evidently this was an oversight. A neat couplet might head
+    this advertisement, and add to its attractiveness, as for
+    instance:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Every question, whatever they ax is,</p>
+
+            <p>Will in its THURN be answered by TAXIS.</p>
+
+            <p>TAXIS and THURN, for a win you'll of course
+            back,</p>
+
+            <p>The pick of the stable, the trainer VON ORSBACH.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>We wish him a continuance of the successes which from his
+    list this Equestrian Military Tutor&mdash;he can't he a "coach"
+    as he is an ORSBACH&mdash;has already obtained. It's a German
+    name, but it sounds more like 'Orsetrian (!)</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>CUI BONO?&mdash;"It is a mistake," quoth <i>The World</i>
+    last week, "to suppose that Mr. GLADSTONE complacently regards
+    Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT as his '<i>Alter Ego</i>.'" Mr. G. being
+    the "<i>Ego</i>" it is not very likely that Sir WILLIAM V.
+    HARCOURT is likely to "alter" any of his Leader's plans. Still
+    an "<i>Alter Ego</i>" is very useful whenever Mr. GLADSTONE may
+    want to "wink The Other I."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74"
+       id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/74.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/74.png"
+             alt="1492 V. 1892." /></a>
+
+        <h3>1492 V. 1892.</h3><i>Christopher Columbus</i>. "WHAT!
+        GO OVER IN FIVE DAYS! WHY, IF I'D HAD A SHIP LIKE THAT, I'D
+        HAVE DISCOVERED EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page75"
+       id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span>
+
+    <h2>ELECTION AGONIES.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By a Re-elected M.P.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes, there I stood beside my wife,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And called it&mdash;whilst the mob
+            cheered wildly&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"The proudest moment of my life,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which it was <i>not</i>, to put it
+            mildly.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Heavens, how they cheered! Up went their caps,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To see their Member safely seated;</p>
+
+            <p>Who in his inmost soul, perhaps,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Had almost wished himself defeated.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The girls are pleased. And Mrs. T.,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Has fairy visions of a handle</p>
+
+            <p>To grace the name she shares with me;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But is the game quite worth the
+            candle?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Six years of unremitting work,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of flower-shows, bazaars, and
+            speeches,</p>
+
+            <p>Of sturdy mendicants who lurk</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In wait to act as sturdy leeches.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The faddists&mdash;Anti-This-and-That&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Blue-spectacled "One Vote, One
+            Person"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Extract a promise, prompt and pat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The while their heads you hurl a curse
+            on.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And in return? The dull debate,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The dreary unimportant question,</p>
+
+            <p>The pressure of affairs of State,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A muddled brain, a lost digestion.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Six years of it. I <i>cannot</i> stand</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At any cost another bout of it;</p>
+
+            <p>But, given away on every hand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I don't quite see how to get out of
+            it.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And so 'mid general adulation,</p>
+
+            <p>I'll rescue some poor party waif</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By Chiltern Hundreds resignation.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The world will quickly roar applause,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of martyrs I shall be the latest;</p>
+
+            <p>But I'm the party and the cause</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To whom the service will be greatest!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SONG OF GRATITUDE (<i>by a Nervous Equestrian on the
+    exceptional absence of 'Arry-cyclists or "Wheelmen" from the
+    road to Wimbledon</i>).&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh no, no, No!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/75.png"
+             alt="A MATTER OF 'COURSE.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>A MATTER OF "COURSE."</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Eminent German Specialist</i>. "VAT VATERS 'AVE YOU
+        BEEN IN ZE 'ABIT OF TAKING?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>English Gouty Patient</i>. "WATER! HAVEN'T TOUCHED A
+        DROP, EXCEPT WITH MY TEA, FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!"</p>
+
+        <p class="author">[<i>Upon which a mild course of Homburg,
+        Kissengen, Marienbad, and Karlsbad is at once
+        prescribed.</i></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HOW INSULTAN'!</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister,
+        London.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of
+    Privy Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my
+    house, and smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain
+    that Sultan is at bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous
+    to him?</p>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy,
+        Timbuctoo.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not
+    to notice stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo
+    with British Force. If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather
+    think Timbuctoo was discovered by an Irishman, and called after
+    him, TIM BUCKTOO. Eh?</p>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>British Envoy to Foreign Minister.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say
+    aspect of affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about
+    the stone-throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord
+    Chamberlain, heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under
+    my own apartment. Gratifying. Treaty on point of being
+    signed.</p>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Foreign Minister to British Envoy.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick!
+    France, not unnaturally, seems rather galled. See joke? Play on
+    word "Gaul."</p>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>British Envoy to Foreign Minister.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more
+    of 'em. Treaty settled! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all
+    British subjects trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs.
+    Draft, with Sultan's signature, returned to him to be properly
+    copied out. Mere formality. Packing up, and off to Coast
+    to-night.</p>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Same to Same.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Arrived at coast. Treaty in carpet-bag. Regret to say, that
+    on examining it, find that Sultan has slipped in the little
+    word "not" in every clause. Makes hash of whole thing. What
+    shall I do?</p>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy.</i>
+    </center>
+
+    <p>Do nothing! Former Foreign Minister no longer in Office.
+    General Election <i>has</i> taken place. Whole subject will be
+    reconsidered, with quite new lights, before long. Off for a
+    holiday just now, and can't attend to it. You'll hear from me
+    again in about six months. Meanwhile, your motto must
+    be&mdash;"<i>Fez-tina lente</i>!" Last joke. Brilliant. Just
+    going to let it off at dinner-party. P.S.&mdash;Great
+    success.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>REEF-LECTION.&mdash;Delivering judgment in the case of
+    <i>Osborne</i> v. <i>Aaron's Reef, Limited</i>, Mr. Justice
+    CHITTY, in the interests of the public, was justly severe on
+    both plaintiff and defendants, declining "to give any costs in
+    this action to such a Company." Everyone is familiar with the
+    nautical expression of "taking in a reef," which seems to have
+    been a slightly difficult operation for anyone to perform with
+    AARON's Reef, which, after the manner of AARON's Rod, when it
+    was transformed into a serpent, appears to possess the faculty
+    of swallowing to a very considerable extent. Knowing brokers,
+    if consulted, would not have sung to unwary clients the popular
+    ditty "<i>Keep your Aarons</i>," but would have recommended
+    them, being in, to be out again in double-quick time, if there
+    were any chance of an immediate though small ready-money profit
+    to be made, before one could have said "Scissors!"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76"
+       id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+    <h2>MARGATE BY MOONLIGHT.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>It is about nine</i> P.M.; <i>in the West, a faint
+        saffron flush is lingering above the green and opal sea,
+        while the upper part of the church tower still keeps the
+        warm glow of sunset. The stars are beginning to appear, and
+        a mellow half moon is rising in a deep violet sky. Lamps
+        are twinkling above the dusky cliffs, and along the curve
+        of the shore.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>The Reader will kindly imagine himself on a seat at
+        the end of the Pier, where the Sand is playing, and scraps
+        of conversation from his neighbours and passing
+        promenaders, reach his ear involuntarily.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Fair Promenader</i> (<i>roused to enthusiasm by the
+        surroundings</i>). Oh, don't it look lovely at night?
+        (<i>Impulsively.</i>) I can't <i>'elp</i> sayin' so.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Companion</i> (<i>whose emotions are less easily
+        stirred</i>). Why?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Fair P.</i> (<i>apologetically</i>). Oh, I don't
+        know exactly&mdash;these sort o' scenes always <i>do</i>
+        take my fancy.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Comp.</i> (<i>making a concession to her
+        weakness</i>). Well, I must say it's picturesque
+        enough&mdash;what with the gas outside the 'All by the Sea,
+        and the lamps on the whilk stalls.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/76.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/76.png"
+             alt="'Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's &lt;i&gt;vulgar&lt;/i&gt;.'" />
+        </a>"Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's
+        <i>vulgar</i>."
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First Girl</i> (<i>on seat&mdash;to Second</i>). Here
+        comes that young SPIFFING. I do hope he won't come
+        bothering <i>us</i>! (Mr. S. <i>gratifies her desire by
+        promenading past in bland unconsciousness</i>.) Well, I do
+        call that <i>cool</i>! He must have seen us. Too grand to
+        be seen talking to us <i>here</i>, I suppose!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Girl</i>. I'm sure I wouldn't be seen talking
+        to <i>him</i>, that's all! Why, he's on'y&mdash; [<i>They
+        pick him to pieces relentlessly.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>First Girl</i>. Take care&mdash;he's coming round
+        again. Now we shall see. Mind you don't begin laughing, or
+        else you'll set <i>me</i> off!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>As a natural consequence</i>, Mr. S.'s <i>approach
+        excites them both to paroxysms of maidenly mirth.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>halting in front of them</i>). You two
+        seem 'ighly amused at something. What's the joke?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Girl</i> (<i>as the first is compelled to bury
+        her face behind her friend's back</i>). Don't you be too
+        curious. I'll tell you this much&mdash;at <i>your</i>
+        expense!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. S.</i> Oh, is it? Then you might let Me 'ave a
+        a'porth!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Girl</i>. BELLA, if you tell him, I'll never
+        speak to you again.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>As there is nothing particular to tell</i>, Miss
+        BELLA <i>preserves the secret.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>reconnoitring his rear
+        suspiciously</i>). There's nothing pinned on to my
+        coat-tails, is there? (<i>Renewed mirth from the
+        couple</i>.) Well, I see you're occupied&mdash;so, good
+        evenin'.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Walks on, with offended dignity.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Second Girl</i>. There! I <i>knew</i> how it would
+        be&mdash;he's gone off in a huff now!</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Girl</i>. Let him! He ought to know better than
+        take offence at nothing. And such a ridic'lous little
+        object as he's looking, too! What else can he
+        <i>expect</i>, I'd like to know!... Don't you feel it
+        chilly, sitting still?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Girl</i> (<i>rising with alacrity</i>). I was
+        just thinking. Suppose we take a turn&mdash;the
+        <i>other</i> way round, or he might think&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Girl</i>. We'll show him others have their
+        pride as well as him. [<i>They disappear in the
+        crowd.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Spiffing</i> (<i>repassing a few minutes later,
+        with one of the young Ladies on each arm</i>). Well, there,
+        say no more about it&mdash;so long as it wasn't at Me, I
+        don't mind! [<i>They pass on.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>A Wheezy Matron</i> (<i>in a shawl</i>). She was a
+        prettier byby in the fice than any o' the others&mdash;sech
+        a lydylike byby she was&mdash;we never 'ad no bother with
+        her! and never, as long as I live, shall I forgit her
+        Grandpa's words when he saw her settin' up in her 'igh
+        cheer at tea, with her little cheeks a marsk o' marmalade.
+        "LOUISER JYNE," he sez, "you mark my words&mdash;she's the
+        on'y reelly <i>nice</i> byby you ever 'ad, or <i>will</i>
+        ave!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Comp</i>. An' he wasn't given to compliments in a
+        general way, neither, <i>was</i> he?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Anxious Mother</i>. I can't make him out. Sometimes I
+        think he means something, and yet,&mdash;Every morning
+        we've been here, he's come up to her on the Pier, and
+        brought her a carnation inside of his 'at.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Confidante</i>. Then depend upon it, my dear, he
+        has intentions. <i>I</i> should say so, certingly!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Mother</i>. Ah, but CARRIE tells me she's dropped
+        her glove, accidental-like, over and over again, and he's
+        always picked it up,&mdash;and handed it back to her. I
+        reelly don't know what <i>to</i> think!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Confidante</i>. Well, I wouldn't lose
+        heart&mdash;with the moon drawin' on to the full, as it
+        is!</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Seaside Siren</i> (<i>conscious of a dazzling
+        complexion&mdash;to a suburban</i> Ulysses). I wish I could
+        get brown&mdash;I think it's so awfully becoming&mdash;but
+        I never can!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ulysses</i>. Some people <i>are</i> like that. On'y
+        turn <i>red</i>, you know, specially the nose&mdash;catches
+        'em <i>there</i>, y'know!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Siren</i>. I'm obliged to you, I'm sure! Is that
+        meant to be personal?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ulysses</i>. Oh, I wasn't thinking of <i>you</i> when
+        I said that.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Siren</i>. You're very complimentary. But do tell
+        me&mdash;am <i>I</i> like that? (<i>She presents her face
+        for his inspection</i>.) Candidly, now.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ulysses</i> (<i>conscientiously</i>). Well, I don't
+        notice anything particular&mdash;but, you see, colours
+        don't show up by moonlight.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> Siren <i>coldly intimates that her</i>
+        Mother <i>will be waiting supper for them.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>An Habitué</i>. Some people will tell yer, now, that
+        Margit's <i>vulgar</i>. They must be precious 'ard to
+        please, that's all! I'm as partickler as what most are, and
+        I can assure yer if there was anythink o' <i>that</i> sort
+        about, I shouldn't come down 'ere reglar, season after
+        season, like I do!</p>
+
+        <p><i>His Companion</i>. In course not&mdash;and no more
+        shouldn't I, neither!</p>
+
+        <h4><i>Along the Esplanade.</i></h4>
+
+        <p><i>Female Voice</i> (<i>from the recesses of a glazed
+        shelter</i>). But if you're on the sands all day, how is it
+        I never <i>see</i> you?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Male Voice</i> (<i>mysteriously</i>). Would you like
+        to know? Really? You shall. (<i>With pride</i>.) I'm one of
+        the Niggers!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fem. V.</i> (<i>deeply impressed</i>). Not "GUSSIE,"
+        or "Uncle ERNIE!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Male V.</i> (<i>with proud superiority</i>). Not
+        exactly. I conduct, <i>I</i> do&mdash;on the 'armonium.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fern. V.</i> (<i>rapturously</i>). Oh! I 'ad a sort
+        o' feeling, from the very first, that you must be
+        <i>Somebody</i>!</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Lodging-House Keeper</i>. Yes, nice people they
+        was&mdash;I don't know when I've <i>'ad</i> such nice
+        people. I'll tell you what they <i>did</i> ... They come on
+        a Thursday&mdash;yes, Thursday it was&mdash;and took the
+        rooms from the Saturday followin' to the next
+        Saturday&mdash;and then they stopped on to the Saturday
+        after that. I do call that nice&mdash;don't <i>you</i>?</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Mystic Plaint</i> (<i>from a Bench</i>). Many and
+        many a time I've borrered the kittles for them when the
+        School Inspector was comin'&mdash;and now for them to turn
+        round on me like this! It's a shame, it is.</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Lady of Economical Principles</i> (<i>at a
+        Bow-window, addressing her</i> Husband <i>at the
+        railings</i>). Why, my dear <i>feller</i>, why ever did you
+        go and do <i>that</i>&mdash;when there was a bed empty 'ere
+        for him?</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page77"
+           id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>
+
+        <p><i>The Husband</i> (<i>sulkily</i>). No one ever said a
+        word to <i>me</i> about there being a bed. And I've taken
+        one for him now at the Paragon, anyway&mdash;so
+        <i>that's</i> settled!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Economical Lady</i>. I call it downright
+        foolishness to go paying 'alf-a-crown a night for a bed,
+        when there's one all ready <i>'ere</i> for him! And you
+        don't know <i>how</i> long he may mean to stop, either!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Self-invited Visitor</i> (<i>suddenly emerging
+        from the shadow</i>).&mdash;You'll be 'appy to know, Mum,
+        that your 'ospitality will not exceed the 'alf-crown. Good
+        evenin'. [<i>Retires to the Paragon.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>The Econ. L.</i> (<i>regretfully</i>). And a lobster
+        ordered in for supper a-purpose for him, too!</p>
+
+        <p><i>A Street Musician</i> (<i>with a portable piano</i>).
+        I will next attempt a love-song. I feel full of love
+        to-night. Oh, Ladies and
+        Gentlemen&mdash;(<i>earnestly</i>)&mdash;take advantage of
+        a salubrious night like this! Anyone who has not yet
+        contributed will kindly embrace this opportunity of placing
+        his offering upon the instrument; after which I shall
+        endeavour to sing you "<i>In Old Madrid</i>." Oh,
+        <i>what</i> a difficult ditty it is, to be sure, dear
+        Ladies and Gentlemen&mdash;especially as it makes the
+        twenty-seventh I've sung since tea-time&mdash;however, I
+        will do my best. (<i>He sings it</i>.) That will conclude
+        my <i>al-fresco</i> Concert for this evening. And now,
+        thanking you all for your generous patronage of my humble
+        efforts, and again reminding those who have not yet
+        expressed their appreciation in a pecuniary form, that I am
+        now about to circulate with the hat for the last time, I
+        wish you all farewell, and balmy slumbers!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He collects the final coins, and wheels away the
+        piano. The crowd disperses; the listeners in the
+        lodging-house balconies retire; and the Crescent is silent
+        and deserted.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p>One of the Baron's "Merry Men All" has been reading and
+    enjoying Mr. BARRY PAIN's <i>Stories and Interludes</i>. The
+    book has a wondrously weird and heavily-lined picture in front,
+    which is just a little too like a "Prophetic Hieroglyphic" in
+    <i>Zadkiel's Almanack</i>. An emaciated and broken-winged devil
+    is apparently carrying an engine-hose through a churchyard,
+    whilst a bat flits against a curious sky, which looks like a
+    young grainer's first attempt at imitating "birds'-eye maple."
+    Upon a second glance it seems possible that the "hose" is a
+    snake, the tail of which the devil is gnawing. The gruesome
+    design illustrates a yet more gruesome Interlude, entitled,
+    "<i>The Bat and the Devil.</i>" But it gives no fair idea of
+    the contents of the volume, some of which are charming.</p>
+
+    <p>Read <i>White Nights</i>, stories within a story, told by a
+    tragical "Fool," of the breed of HUGO's <i>Rigoletto</i>, and
+    POE's <i>Hopfrog</i>&mdash;with a difference. They are told
+    with force and grace, and with unstrained, but moving pathos.
+    Read "The Dog That Got Found," a brief sketch indeed, but
+    abundantly suggestive. Poor <i>Fido</i>&mdash;the "dog that got
+    to be utterly sick of conventionality," and came to such bitter
+    grief in his search for "life poignant and intense!" He might
+    read a lesson to many a two-legged prig, were the bipedal
+    nincompoop capable of learning it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The Glass of Supreme Moments</i> is, perhaps, needlessly
+    enigmatical, and <i>Rural Simplicity</i>, <i>Concealed Art</i>,
+    and <i>Two Poets</i>, strike one as superfluously "unpleasant."
+    Mr. PAIN seems slightly touched with the current literary fad
+    for making bricks with the smallest possible quantity of straw.
+    One halfpennyworth of the bread of incident to an intolerable
+    deal of the sack of strained style and pessimist commentary,
+    make poorish imaginative pabulum, though there seems an
+    increasing appetite for it amongst those who, unlike <i>Lucas
+    Morne</i> in <i>The Glass of Supreme Moments</i>, plume
+    themselves upon possession of "the finer perceptions." <i>The
+    Magic Morning</i> is a "scrap" elaborately sauced and
+    garnished; the fleeting flavour may possess a certain sub-acid
+    piquancy, but such small dishes of broken meats are hardly
+    nourishing or wholesome.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. PAIN has a delicate fancy and a graceful style, a
+    bitter-sweet humour, and a plentiful endowment of "the finer
+    perceptions." He has done some good work here, and will do
+    better&mdash;when he finds his subject, and loses his
+    affectations. Read <i>White Nights</i>, again says the Baron's
+    "retainer."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS &amp; Co.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>COMING BARONETCY TO BE MUSICALLY NOTED.&mdash;Song for a
+    "Lullaby" or a "Good Knight" from <i>Don Giovanni</i>, and
+    dedicated by nobody's permission to Sir ARTHUR SEYMOUR
+    SULLIVAN, would be "<i>Barty! Barty!</i>" Will Sir EDWARD
+    SOLOMON be in it? Probably this is "another night."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LAYS OF MODERN HOME.</h2>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">No. V.&mdash;Butlerless.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/77.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/77.png"
+             alt="Butler." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh! bring my Butler back to me;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I stray and lapse alone!</p>
+
+            <p>If this be freedom, to be free</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Were something best unknown.</p>
+
+            <p>He used to look so grand and grave&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So sad when I was slack;</p>
+
+            <p>'Twas difficult to misbehave&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In him was nothing flash nor green&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A Seneschal confessed;</p>
+
+            <p>Most people deemed his reverend mien</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Some family bequest.</p>
+
+            <p>And yet but three short, happy years</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Had seen him on our tack,</p>
+
+            <p>And made us verge on VERE DE VERES&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A Pedigree in swallow-tails,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He gave our household "tone."</p>
+
+            <p>My soul plebeian trips and fails</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(See stanza first) alone.</p>
+
+            <p>I fall on low Bohemian ways,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I doff my evening black;</p>
+
+            <p>I dine in blazer all ablaze&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I breakfast now and smoke in bed;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I wrench the bell for coals;</p>
+
+            <p>No master-hand and master-head</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The day's routine controls.</p>
+
+            <p>No stately form in homage curved,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our commissariat's lack,</p>
+
+            <p>Veneers with, "<i>Dinner, Sir, is
+            served</i>"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A few old friends drop in at times,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But ah! their zest is gone;</p>
+
+            <p>No organ voice with awe sublimes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.</p>
+
+            <p>They sound to me quite commonplace,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who seemed a ducal pack:</p>
+
+            <p>'Twas he who lent them rank and race&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And <i>they</i> must think me very queer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Each unennobled guest:</p>
+
+            <p>I munch my chop, I quaff my beer</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At meal-times unrepressed,</p>
+
+            <p>I laugh a laughter rude and loud;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My little jokes I crack;</p>
+
+            <p>The parlour-maid with mirth is bowed&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes! bring that paragon to me&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis true he drank my wine;</p>
+
+            <p>But, as I found it disagree,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I don't so much repine:</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis true we missed a little plate</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When <i>he</i> gave <i>us</i> the
+            sack.</p>
+
+            <p>But "all things come to them that wait"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Oh, bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That gorgeous grace, that smile severe,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That look of Lords and Barts,</p>
+
+            <p>These are the charms that most endear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His image to our hearts.</p>
+
+            <p>The standard of my broken life</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With him has gone to rack,</p>
+
+            <p>And, if it were not for my wife,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'd bring my Butler back!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>FINE, OR REFINE?</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[An Educational Journal recently suggested the formation
+        of a "Guild of Courtesy," with especial view to refining
+        the manners and language of the youth of the working
+        classes.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Hail, noble Guild! By all means drive</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Expletives from our highways;</p>
+
+            <p>They are the ruin of our roads,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The byword of our byways!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And rowdies too&mdash;to teach them grace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A philanthropic art is;</p>
+
+            <p><i>These</i> subjects for the Guild may well</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be called the "Guildy parties"!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The lumbering horse-play of the streets,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Can we its spirits soothe?</p>
+
+            <p>Will blarneying do? Or can "the Rough"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be "taken with the smooth"?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And there's the working girl: can we</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From yells and rompings wean her?</p>
+
+            <p>For the demeanour of a Miss</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is oft a mis-demeanour.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>All</i> ages and <i>all</i>
+            classes!</p>
+
+            <p>Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Supply the freest passes.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Do not such terms as these of hope</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your undertaking rob&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The "common people"&mdash;"lower class,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"The vulgar," and "the mob"?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And there's our worship of the purse;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Gainst <i>it</i> pray have a tilt</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, gild our manners! But take care</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They are not silver-gilt!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ALL AT SEA.&mdash;The KAISER is reported to be so delighted
+    with his visit to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat
+    the journey next year. Fond of military display, if he goes to
+    Hyde he will be appropriately accompanied by an escort of
+    German Mounted Marines.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page78"
+       id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/78.png"
+             alt="INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES." /></a>
+
+        <h3>INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Count Peter van Strubel</i> (<i>just arrived in
+        England, in time for Her Grace's Concert</i>). "ACH!
+        TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR LATIES ARE ZÔH
+        <i>PEAUDIFUL</i>, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZÔH
+        <i>OCKLY</i>?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Her Grace.</i> "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE
+        ENGLISH, COUNT, AND THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT
+        HAPPENS!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>READING THE STARS À LA MODE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Extract from the Note-book of the Secretary of the
+    Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company, Limited.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>August</i> 10, 1899.&mdash;Open this book just to jot
+    down briefly the results of our efforts to hold a conversation
+    with the people living in the adjacent planet. Get a better
+    notion by this means of what we are doing than the minutes can
+    afford. Shall leave this book as an heirloom to my successors
+    in office. In 1892, when we were last nearest Mars (only at a
+    distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), we came to the
+    conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to us. They
+    seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new
+    telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago),
+    we made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a
+    white hat. On more careful inspection, found that the old man
+    was a volcano in a state of eruption. White hat evidently the
+    smoke. Could distinctly locate the ocean. Unable to discover
+    more, as the planet went off for another seven years'
+    cruise.</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i> 10, 1906.&mdash;Jot down, in compliance with
+    the wishes of my predecessor, the transactions of the Company.
+    By the way, my new berth is a very pleasant one. Have nothing
+    to do except every seven years, when we all have to watch Mars
+    like anything. This time we have a first-class telescope. Fifty
+    times as powerful as the one of seven years ago. Can count the
+    hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance. Mars seems quite
+    close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one of the
+    mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way
+    (like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made
+    out a man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid
+    donkey! Have to wait for another seven years.</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i> 10, 1913.&mdash;Again ready. Better telescope
+    than one in use seven years ago. Find we can now read the
+    Marsian newspapers. They are written in same language as our
+    own. Nothing in them worth quoting. Evidently "silly season"
+    over there as well as here. Account of the Sea Serpent. Let off
+    patent sky-shattering rockets, but the inhabitants of the
+    adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have arranged
+    bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand it,
+    as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe
+    something like "<i>Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay</i>." Interesting.
+    Popular song of fourteen years ago just reached our nearest
+    neighbour in the Solar System. Cannot observe more, as the
+    planet is off for another seven years.</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i> 10, 1920.&mdash;We ought to do something this
+    time. Improved telescope; can see everything. So excellent that
+    we can almost hear the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in
+    through-space-hurling machinery. We applied this new power to a
+    pea-shooter, and, at the first shot, was sufficiently fortunate
+    to hit a Marsian policeman on the nose. He first arrested an
+    innocent person for the assault, but, on our repeating the
+    signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the Earth.
+    Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting. They then
+    began to watch our signals. They were just about to reply when
+    we started off for another seven years.</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i> 10, 1927.&mdash;I take up my predecessor's
+    book to continue these observations. Deeply interested to see
+    if the inhabitants of the neighbouring planet would remember
+    the date, and be on the look out for us. Yes, there they were.
+    We have just signalled "How are you?" But it has received, as
+    yet, no reply. The Marsians seem to be signalling, but not in
+    our direction. We have just tried another message, "Good
+    morning; do you use soap?" Ah, this has woke them up! They
+    <i>do</i> understand us. They have replied, "Don't be rude." We
+    are greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet
+    Mars, we believe?" This has elicited no response. Strange! We
+    have begged for a reply, and it has just come. Here it
+    is:&mdash;"Don't bother; can't attend to you just now. We are
+    talking with the planet Jupiter." Time up! Off for another
+    seven years!</p>
+
+    <p><i>August</i> 10, 1934.&mdash;Just one line to add to the
+    other communications of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars
+    Intercommunication Company, Limited, has been merged into the
+    London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and North Saturn Aërial Railway
+    Company. During the present near approach of Mars to the Earth,
+    an excursion electric air-torpedo train will leave the Victoria
+    Station for Pars the Capital of Mars. The excursion will be
+    personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus. Return
+    tickets, Second Class, £1,000; First Class (with hotel
+    coupons), Half an ounce of coal.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page79"
+       id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/79.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/79.png"
+             alt="'WILL THEY WORK?'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"WILL THEY WORK?"</h3>LORD ROSEBERY (<i>aside to</i>
+        McHARCOURT, <i>the Gillie</i>). "WONDER WHAT SORT OF A BAG
+        HE'LL MAKE&mdash;<i>OVER THOSE DOGS!!</i>"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page81"
+       id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+    <h2>HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Supplementary and Imaginary Despatch not yet received
+    at the Foreign Office.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that
+    amongst my <i>suite</i> I had the pleasure to be accompanied by
+    Herr VON POPOFF, the celebrated Germano-Russian
+    <i>prestidigitateur</i>. When I received a despatch from the
+    Foreign Office informing me that I was premature in destroying
+    the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained
+    provisions that were entirely different to those which the
+    Sultan had already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I
+    made up my mind to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view
+    to setting things right. I considered it advisable to be
+    accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, as I counted upon that eminent
+    conjuror's valuable aid to assist me in carrying out what I
+    venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object.</p>
+
+    <p>When we reached the room the Sultan was occupying, we found
+    His Sheriffian Majesty regarding with some indignation, the
+    remains of the Draft Treaty that had been brought back to him
+    by the messengers the Sultan had sent to me.</p>
+
+    <p>His Majesty was very angry, and had given orders for the
+    immediate execution of Herr VON POPOFF and myself, when my
+    talented assistant gently placed his hand upon the head of the
+    swarthy and irate Sovereign, and by a clever pass produced an
+    egg. This amused and amazed the Sultan immensely, and his
+    Sheriffian Majesty desired that the feat should be repeated.
+    This request received immediate practical acquiescence as the
+    wonderworker deliberately extracted eggs from the Sultan's
+    arms, legs, and whiskers. Having obtained some dozen eggs by
+    this means, Herr VON POPOFF borrowed a turban from the Prime
+    Minister, and breaking the eggs into his improvised saucepan,
+    mixed the mess into a compact mass with the assistance of a
+    scimitar kindly lent for the occasion by the
+    Commander-in-Chief.</p>
+
+    <p>"High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" exclaimed the Wizard, and
+    in a trice, the eggs had disappeared, and in their place
+    appeared a pound-cake. I have the honour to report that the
+    cake was then cut into small portions and passed round for
+    consumption. His Sheriffian Majesty was good enough to partake
+    of the rather stale comestible. The remainder of the cake was
+    devoured by the <i>suite</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>By this time the Sultan was in great good humour, when
+    unfortunately his eyes fell upon the remains of the destroyed
+    Draft Treaty which were still lying unheeded on the palace
+    floor. Seeing them his Sheriffian Majesty rolled his eyes
+    savagely, and sent for the Lord High Executioner.</p>
+
+    <p>It was at this crisis that Herr VON POPOFF showed great
+    presence of mind and absolute coolness. Without a moment's
+    hesitation he requested that the fragments of paper might be
+    given to him. Taking them in his right hand, he placed them in
+    the turban he had previously used for manufacturing his
+    pound-cake, and once more repeated his magic formula.</p>
+
+    <p>To the general surprise (and I must not omit my own
+    individuality from the universal astonishment) he produced a
+    new Treaty, which I then had the honour of handing to the
+    Sultan for signature.</p>
+
+    <p>The Treaty (which was subsequently discovered to contain
+    several important concessions to the country I have the honour
+    to represent) was then signed, and the <i>prestidigitateur</i>
+    and I retired loaded with honours.</p>
+
+    <p>I have, in conclusion, to beg permission to wear the
+    Sheriffian Order of the Diamond-eyed Pig of the Second Class.
+    The Sun-Star of the Emerald Life-sized White Elephant of the
+    Double First-Class has already been accepted by Herr VON
+    POPOFF, as that gentleman, being a foreign subject, has no need
+    to desire official authorisation to use his recently-acquired
+    and extremely bulky decoration.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/81.png"
+             alt="'GROUSE DRIVING.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"GROUSE DRIVING."</h3>THIS IS WHAT SHE IMAGINED IT TO
+        BE IN HER DREAM OF THE 12TH OF AUGUST.
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MEMORABLE.</h2>
+
+    <p>SIR,&mdash;So many punning Epitaphs have recently appeared
+    in the <i>Times à propos</i> of "BOB LOWE," that I am sure you
+    will now allow me to produce and publish what was rejected by
+    your Editor, long before the decease of the above-mentioned
+    eminent Statesman. I thought it, and still think it, uncommonly
+    good; but the then Editor said, "No&mdash;it is unseemly to
+    joke about the decease of a living celebrity." Now on the good
+    old maxim of "<i>Nil nisi bonum</i>," I beg you will produce
+    this, as I'm sure it is, and always was, uncommonly
+    <i>bonum</i>, and like good wine, all the better for keeping.
+    Here it is:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <h4 class="sc">On the Late B.L.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Bob! has he gone above the sky?</p>
+
+            <p>We hope that it is so.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet when above, however high,</p>
+
+            <p>He'll always be B.-LOWE.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>I've seen nothing to equal this; at least, being a judge of
+    such things, I may safely say so, adding humbly, "A poor thing,
+    but mine own."</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours, L.S. PRIT D'ESCALIER.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ACCIDENTAL JOKE.&mdash;When does an explosion do no harm?
+    When a husband blows his wife up&mdash;and she deserves it.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>INFRA DIG.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find</p>
+
+            <p><i>One</i> Abdiel to enticement bravely blind,</p>
+
+            <p><i>One</i> class not thrall to Plutus. But,
+            hurroo!</p>
+
+            <p>England rejoice aloud, for thou hast <i>two</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>Sweet are the uses of&mdash;Advertisement,</p>
+
+            <p>To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-cent.</p>
+
+            <p>The Mart, the Forum, and&mdash;alas!&mdash;the
+            Fane.</p>
+
+            <p>Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain;</p>
+
+            <p>The leaded column and the poster smart</p>
+
+            <p>Seduce the Histrio; e'en the thrall of Art</p>
+
+            <p>Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste,</p>
+
+            <p>That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste.</p>
+
+            <p>The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe</p>
+
+            <p>Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe.</p>
+
+            <p>But there be those share not the general taint;</p>
+
+            <p>The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned Saint.</p>
+
+            <p>Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade</p>
+
+            <p>That would confuse Professions with mere Trade.</p>
+
+            <p>No, briefs and bills of costs <i>may</i> loom too
+            big,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Harpagon</i> hide beneath a horsehair wig,</p>
+
+            <p><i>Sangrado</i> thrive on flattery and shrewd
+            knack.</p>
+
+            <p>And <i>Dulcamara</i>, safe in silence, quack;</p>
+
+            <p>But&mdash;chortle, oh ye good, rejoice, ye
+            wise!&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Physic and Law will
+            never&mdash;<i>Advertise</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"THE PARIAH."&mdash;In the latest copy to hand of that
+    wonderful penn'orth of gossip and information, <i>Sala's
+    Journal</i>, Vol. I. No. 16, and in the very first line of the
+    light and leading article, our "G.A.S." asks "Is Woman a
+    Pariah?" Of course she is not, we reply, not even if she be the
+    very masculinest of females. Some, if they are "Riahs" at all,
+    are "Ma-riahs." "Riah," it may be remembered, is the
+    abbreviated form of the name as in the once popular Coster's
+    song of "<i>What cheer Riah?</i>" Whether spelt with or without
+    an "h" is of no consequence, the Coster not being
+    particular.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TO DR. LOUIS ROBINSON.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>(<i>Who said at the British Association that a Baby was
+        an animal as interesting as any which had been brought from
+        the uttermost parts of the Earth</i>.)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Quite right, Dr. ROBINSON, perfectly right,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No longer the need to repair to the
+            Zoo;</p>
+
+            <p>No longer we'll see with increasing delight</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe
+            Kangaroo.</p>
+
+            <p>But the "animal's interest" shall charm us
+            instead,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though it's scarcely a charm
+            <i>you've</i> discovered,&mdash;at least</p>
+
+            <p>There's many a father who's pointedly said,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That his int'resting Babe was a "mere
+            little beast!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SEASONABLE BUT UNFAIR.&mdash;When you have to pay heavily
+    for light refreshments.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82"
+       id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/82-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/82-1.png"
+             alt="ATAVISM." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ATAVISM.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Proud Mother</i>. "BUT <i>REALLY</i> NOW, DR. BIRCH,
+        DON'T YOU THINK IT RATHER EXTRAORDINARY THAT WE SHOULD HAVE
+        <i>THREE</i> SUCH CLEVER SONS?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Dr. B.</i> "WHY, NO, MY DEAR MADAM; NOW YOU HAVE TOLD
+        ME WHAT A REMARKABLY CLEVER <i>GRANDMOTHER</i> THEY
+        HAD!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE NEXT VIVA VOCE.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Due consideration will be given in the selection of
+        Candidates for Scholarships to proficiency in
+        athletics."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Examiner</i> (<i>courteously</i>). Have you studied
+        any Latin author?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Candidate</i> (<i>with hesitation</i>). I once looked
+        into CORNELIUS NEPOS, but never could construe half a dozen
+        lines.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> What have you studied in Greek?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> Tried the first page of VALPY, and got
+        through the present of
+        &tau;&upsilon;&pi;&tau;&omega;&mdash;then gave it up.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> Do you know anything about Mathematics?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> Fancy I have heard of the Rule of Three, but
+        hanged if I know much about Fractions.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>a little despairingly</i>). Can you
+        give the dates of the four WILLIAMS in English History?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> No. Suppose followed one another, as
+        shillings of the time of WILLIAM THE FOURTH still in use.
+        Suppose WILLIAM THE FIRST must have been about the end of
+        the Eighteenth Century.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>with new hope</i>). Do you know
+        anything about Geography?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> Not without a <i>Continental
+        Bradshaw</i>.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>nothing daunted</i>). Can you tell me
+        the name of the spot which is supposed to be the centre of
+        the universe?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> I haven't the faintest idea, but suppose you
+        mean Monte Carlo.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>as a last resource</i>). Do you know
+        anything about Law?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> Nothing at all, except that one of my
+        friends had to pay five pounds, the other day, for
+        assaulting a Policeman.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>losing his temper</i>). Then what on
+        earth <i>do</i> you know?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> Only how to break the record of the quarter
+        mile.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>brightening up</i>). And can you play
+        Cricket?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Can.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). <i>Can</i> I play
+        Cricket! Why I carried my bat out for 184 against
+        Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Exam.</i> (<i>cordially grasping his hand</i>). My
+        dear Sir, after the satisfactory examination you have just
+        undergone, I shall have much pleasure in recommending you
+        for a Scholarship.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</h3>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, Aug</i>. 8.&mdash;Think I
+    mentioned, just before Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended
+    at disregard paid to his warnings by Ministers, protested that
+    he would never speak again, and should thenceforth be known as
+    DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged out, prepared to move
+    Address, reminded him of the incident.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/82-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/82-2.png"
+             alt="Asquith, Q.C." /></a>Asquith, Q.C.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never
+    did speak again in that House. This is a different thing.
+    Besides, I'm not going to make a speech, but to read a
+    paper."</p>
+
+    <p>Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation
+    to move Address at opening of new Session understood to be
+    irresistible. Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be
+    excused. W.H. CROSS seconded Address; speech much mystified
+    House; remains to this day disputed point whether he meant to
+    be funny, or was merely maladroit. Fancy he really meant it.
+    GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on with fond affection.
+    Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet of water. His
+    counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last moment,
+    over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how India
+    is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know.
+    Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince
+    ARTHUR. Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing
+    Corridor, Prince said,&mdash;"Well, we're not the only parties
+    changing places. I see, from the newspapers, that the planet
+    Mars has already gone into Opposition."</p>
+
+    <p>GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things
+    too sacred for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one.
+    Moreover, not free from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact
+    is, been, so to speak, "on the joke" himself. Modest merit,
+    like murder, will out. No use attempting to burke what is open
+    secret. All those funereal jokes in young Cross's
+    speech&mdash;his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH
+    happily put it&mdash;were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS
+    <i>père</i> composed them in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and
+    made them over to his son.</p>
+
+    <p>"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to
+    publicly make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior
+    Counsel for England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must
+    risk that. There they are," he said, handing him a packet of
+    manuscript in a black-edged envelope, "and may a father's
+    blessing accompany them."</p>
+
+    <p>There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House
+    as to how they were to be received. On the whole, went off
+    well. The reference to "the Government, at whose last hours we
+    have now arrived," and the proposal to write their epitaph,
+    brought down the House. GRAND CROSS sitting in Gallery
+    nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged. In larger
+    leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these
+    vicarious flashes of latent
+    humour.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page83"
+       id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/83.png"
+             alt="OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.</h3>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page84"
+       id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;Address moved, met with Vote of
+    No Confidence, submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Imminence of change in Ministry brings
+    into prominence and close proximity what is likely to happen in
+    Ireland when Home Rule is established. Irish Members of all
+    sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in his war-paint, which
+    assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always know, when
+    the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night good
+    Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish
+    brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him
+    to higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH,
+    Q.C., "sitting on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely
+    effective. Irish Members cruelly and effectually retorted by
+    putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to reply. Colonel gallantly smiled,
+    but it was a gashly effort. Device evidently effective. REDMOND
+    did admirably; nothing could have been better than his grave
+    remark, to presumably alarmed House, that, having for seven
+    years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure them that he
+    was "perfectly harmless&mdash;perfectly harmless."</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:17%;">
+        <a href="images/84-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-1.png"
+             alt="Honest John Burns." /></a>Honest John Burns.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up
+    his ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard
+    said of SAUNDERSON."</p>
+
+    <p>Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of
+    feeling in Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C.,
+    was returned at General Election, in place of CHARLES
+    LEWIS&mdash;a character useful as a study for young Members,
+    showing how a man of considerable ability, and distinct
+    Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure. Ross born
+    and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial practices.
+    Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are apt
+    to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If they
+    mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS,
+    "they'll find the Derry Boy in it."</p>
+
+    <p>So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his
+    trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got
+    up just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance
+    presented by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created,
+    threw back his coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs,
+    and made the most of the paving-stones. Members opposite
+    whispered, and tittered.</p>
+
+    <p>"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a
+    paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in
+    the bush."</p>
+
+    <p>So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw
+    anything at New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded
+    successful Maiden Speech, went out and emptied his amazing
+    pockets into his locker.</p>
+
+    <p>"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he
+    pawned his landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he
+    hurried off home, at least a quarter of a hundredweight
+    lighter.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;More debate on Address.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Splendid House; full from floor to
+    topmost tier of seats in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene
+    in history of Government. All the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls
+    full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD CHAMBERLAIN's regulations,
+    chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for these, as affording
+    novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says it was very
+    nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected
+    every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as
+    they do in the Parks."</p>
+
+    <p>CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives
+    when he stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin
+    with. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of
+    order that, in Moving Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had
+    exhausted his right to speak. House howled. Just as if, Lyceum
+    crowded to see IRVING play <i>Charles the First</i>, JOHNNIE
+    TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as CHARLES THE
+    FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago,
+    IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well
+    done, and added something to interest of moment. But
+    unnecessary. JOSEPH equal to occasion without adventitious
+    aid.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:22%;">
+        <a href="images/84-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-2.png"
+             alt="Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am." /></a>Don't
+             Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T
+    KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better
+    with his quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt
+    tripping up. As usual, best where speech broken in upon with
+    rude interruption. Note the incident when launched upon his
+    peroration, carefully prepared and perilously adventured upon.
+    House not passionately fond of perorations. Will suffer them
+    only from Mr. G. and one or two others. CHAMBERLAIN rarely
+    rises to peroration point. To-night a great occasion. Solemn
+    enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling tide, he
+    came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to
+    consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face
+    turned to Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his
+    back rose shouts of ironical cheers and noisy laughter,
+    "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped perforce, and with scornful
+    gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob behind, said, "Yes,
+    to the others I do not speak;" then went on and finished his
+    sentence.</p>
+
+    <p>"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF
+    MALWOOD.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made
+    for Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a
+    story I heard when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going
+    on in a quiet street in Glasgow. Among the company present was
+    observed a man whom nobody seemed to know, but who was bustling
+    about as if he were in charge of most things. At last the
+    undertaker, jealous of his own position, suggested he had
+    better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the Unknown, his
+    eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the corpp.'
+    Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the
+    corpp, and we must bear with him a little."</p>
+
+    <p>That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet.
+    There may come times of distress and famine when he will be
+    heard of from Egypt.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Business done</i>.&mdash;The Government's. Wound up by a
+    majority of 40 in turbulent House of 660 Members.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>OVIDIUS REMARK.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <h4>ALL THE
+        DIFFERENCE.</h4><a href="images/84-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-3.png"
+             alt="ALL THE DIFFERENCE." /></a>
+
+        <table summary="Ovid and Tomi."
+               align="center"
+               width="100%">
+            <tr>
+                <td width="50%"
+                    align="center">Ovid quite at Tomi.</td>
+
+                <td width="50%"
+                    align="center">Tomi not quite at Tomi at
+                    Ovid.</td>
+            </tr>
+        </table>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>(<i>From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from
+        Gout, has been forbidden his favourite beverage</i>.)</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>DEAR TOPER,&mdash;Alas, no more of "The generous" for some
+    time to come, and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from
+    my Tea! "What, no soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for
+    "Soap," and there I am. My boy TOMMY, who is at home for the
+    holidays, reminds me of what OVID said at Tomi, not <i>to</i>
+    TOMMY, as they were not contemporaries, "<i>Nec tecum vivere
+    possum, nec sine te</i>." For "<i>te</i>" read "tea," and
+    that's my case to a T.</p>
+
+    <p class="author">&Theta;&alpha;&tau;&tau;&sigmaf;
+    '&Omicron;&upsilon;&tau;&iota;&sigmaf;.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Goughty Street, Old Portman Square.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.&mdash;Dear <i>Mr.
+    Punch</i>,&mdash;And now for another glance at Racing. Next
+    week we have meetings at Stockton and Wolverhampton, and the
+    most important race is the Stockton Handicap, for which I will
+    append my usual poetic selection:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <h4><i>Stockton Handicap Selection.</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A difficult river to cross, I am told,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is the one that is known as the Styx;</p>
+
+            <p>But, if rider and horseman be equally bold,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You can <i>do it by aid of "The
+            Pyx"</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been
+    "selectionless" for some weeks, and have therefore been unable
+    to bet, unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable
+    information given by <i>all</i> the other sporting writers, but
+    never by, yours truly,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">LADY GAY.<br />
+    <i>Nash Hotel, Bournemouth.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, August 20, 1892, by Various
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103,
+August 20, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, August 20, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 14, 2005 [EBook #15049]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+August 20, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+AD PUELLAM.
+
+    ["Detective cameras have become favourite playthings with
+    ladies of fashion."--_Ladies' Paper_.]
+
+  You used to prate of plates and prints
+    And "quick developers" before,
+  In spite of not unfrequent hints
+    That these in time become a bore;
+  But then this photographic craze
+    Seemed little but a foolish fad,
+  While now its very latest phase
+    Appears to me distinctly bad.
+
+  Since even your devoted friends
+    At sight of you were wont to fly,
+  You manage still to gain your ends,
+    And photograph them on the sly;
+  The muff, the cloak with ample folds,
+    The parcel, and the biscuit-tin,
+  I know that each discreetly holds
+    Detective lenses hid within.
+
+  Should CROESUS greet you with a smile,
+    A "bromide" will record the fact;
+  Should STREPHON help you o'er a stile,
+    The film will take him in the act.
+  Yet this renown, if truth be said,
+    Is fame they'd rather be without;
+  Nor, I assure you, will they wed
+    A lady photographic tout.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANTIQUITY OF GOLF.
+
+That Golf was a game probably known to and played by pre-Adamite Man
+(whoever he may have been; name and address not given) is evidenced by
+the learned Canon TRISTRAM's observation in the Biology Section of
+the British Association Meeting last week, to the effect that "he (the
+Canon) had never seen a better collection of these Links connecting
+the present with the past world." This must be most interesting to all
+Golf-players.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT MEMBERS OF "BRITISH ASSOCIATION."
+
+_First Passenger_ (_reading Morning Paper_). "'PSYCHICAL CHARACTER OF
+HYSTERICAL AMBLYOPIA'!! DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 'PSYCHICAL' MEANS! WHAT
+DOES IT MEAN, OLD MAN?"
+
+_Fellow Passenger_. "DON'T KNOW, I'M SURE, DEAR BOY! SOMETHING TO DO
+WITH _BRAINS_, I B'LIEVE. NOT AT ALL IN _MY LINE_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRIET.
+
+A REALISTIC RHAPSODY.
+
+(_WITH APOLOGIES TO MR. HENRY KENDATT, AUTHOR OF "ASTARTE," IN THE
+"BOOKMAN."_)
+
+[Illustration: ('Arriet.)]
+
+  Across the wind-blown bridges,
+      O look, lugubrious Night!
+  She comes, the red-haired beauty
+      Illumined by gaslight!
+      By London's dim gaslight!
+    So hush, ye cads, your roar!
+  Behind her plumes are waving
+    Her oil'd fringe flaps before.
+
+  O 'ARRIET, Cockney sister,
+      Your face is writhed with jeers;
+  How awful is the angle
+      Of those protuberant ears!
+      Those red, protuberant ears!
+    And your splay feet--O lor!!!
+  My loud, my Cockney sister,
+    Where oil'd fringe flops before!
+
+  Ah, 'ARRIET! gracious 'eavens,
+      How your greased locks do glow!
+  I swoon! The "hodoration"
+      (I heard you call it so)
+      Sickens my senses so;
+    'Tis "Citronel"--no more,
+  That scents, like a cheap barber's,
+    That oil'd fringe hung before.
+
+  'ARRIET, my knowing darling,
+      Your eyes a cross-watch keep,
+  You're togged in shop-girl's fashion,
+      Your cloak is bugled deep,
+      Black-bugled broad and deep,
+    With buttons dappled o'er,
+  Good gr-racious! how it's grown, too--
+    That oil'd fringe flopped before!
+
+  That "bang" is awfully trying,
+      That odour maddens me.
+  By Jingo! you've been dyeing
+      Those rufous locks, I see,
+      Those sandy locks, I see,
+    They're darker than of yore.
+  Avaunt! I'd be forgetting
+    That oil'd fringe flopped before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER APPROPRIATE.
+
+Under the heading "Military Education," there appears in _The Tablet_,
+an advertisement concerning preparation for examinations at Woolwich
+and Sandhurst by "the Rev. E. VON ORSBACH, F.R.G.S., F.R.Hist.S.,
+late Tutor to their Highnesses the Princes of THURN-AND-TAXIS." What a
+suggestive name for a tutor preparing young men for a Cavalry Regiment
+is "VON ORSBACH!" Not only would pupils surmount all difficulties
+of EUCLID's propositions, but being brought up by VON ORSBACH, they
+would dare all "riders!" Then as to the Princes, his pupils, cannot
+we conceive of the first Prince THURN how he has been turned out
+a perfect 'orseman by VON ORSBACH, and how it would tax all an
+Examiner's ingenuity to pluck TAXIS. Pity that when one Prince was
+called TAXIS the other wasn't named RATES. But evidently this was an
+oversight. A neat couplet might head this advertisement, and add to
+its attractiveness, as for instance:--
+
+  Every question, whatever they ax is,
+  Will in its THURN be answered by TAXIS.
+  TAXIS and THURN, for a win you'll of course back,
+  The pick of the stable, the trainer VON ORSBACH.
+
+We wish him a continuance of the successes which from his list
+this Equestrian Military Tutor--he can't he a "coach" as he is an
+ORSBACH--has already obtained. It's a German name, but it sounds more
+like 'Orsetrian (!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUI BONO?--"It is a mistake," quoth _The World_ last week, "to suppose
+that Mr. GLADSTONE complacently regards Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT as his
+'_Alter Ego_.'" Mr. G. being the "_Ego_" it is not very likely that
+Sir WILLIAM V. HARCOURT is likely to "alter" any of his Leader's
+plans. Still an "_Alter Ego_" is very useful whenever Mr. GLADSTONE
+may want to "wink The Other I."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 1492 V. 1892.]
+
+[_Christopher Columbus_. "WHAT! GO OVER IN FIVE DAYS! WHY, IF I'D HAD
+A SHIP LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE DISCOVERED EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELECTION AGONIES.
+
+(_BY A RE-ELECTED M.P._)
+
+  Yes, there I stood beside my wife,
+    And called it--whilst the mob cheered wildly--
+  "The proudest moment of my life,"
+    Which it was _not_, to put it mildly.
+
+  Heavens, how they cheered! Up went their caps,
+    To see their Member safely seated;
+  Who in his inmost soul, perhaps,
+    Had almost wished himself defeated.
+
+  The girls are pleased. And Mrs. T.,
+    Has fairy visions of a handle
+  To grace the name she shares with me;
+    But is the game quite worth the candle?
+
+  Six years of unremitting work,
+    Of flower-shows, bazaars, and speeches,
+  Of sturdy mendicants who lurk
+    In wait to act as sturdy leeches.
+
+  The faddists--Anti-This-and-That--
+    Blue-spectacled "One Vote, One Person"--
+  Extract a promise, prompt and pat,
+    The while their heads you hurl a curse on.
+
+  And in return? The dull debate,
+    The dreary unimportant question,
+  The pressure of affairs of State,
+    A muddled brain, a lost digestion.
+
+  Six years of it. I _cannot_ stand
+    At any cost another bout of it;
+  But, given away on every hand,
+    I don't quite see how to get out of it.
+
+  Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe,
+    And so 'mid general adulation,
+  I'll rescue some poor party waif
+    By Chiltern Hundreds resignation.
+
+  The world will quickly roar applause,
+    Of martyrs I shall be the latest;
+  But I'm the party and the cause
+    To whom the service will be greatest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF GRATITUDE (_by a Nervous Equestrian on the exceptional absence
+of 'Arry-cyclists or "Wheelmen" from the road to Wimbledon_).--
+
+  "Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you?
+    Oh no, no, No!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MATTER OF "COURSE."
+
+_Eminent German Specialist_. "VAT VATERS 'AVE YOU BEEN IN ZE 'ABIT OF
+TAKING?"
+
+_English Gouty Patient_. "WATER! HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP, EXCEPT WITH
+MY TEA, FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!"
+
+[_Upon which a mild course of Homburg, Kissengen, Marienbad, and
+Karlsbad is at once prescribed._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW INSULTAN'!
+
+_British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister, London._
+
+No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of Privy
+Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my house, and
+smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain that Sultan is at
+bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous to him?
+
+_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy, Timbuctoo._
+
+Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not to notice
+stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo with British Force.
+If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather think Timbuctoo was discovered
+by an Irishman, and called after him, TIM BUCKTOO. Eh?
+
+_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._
+
+Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say aspect
+of affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about the
+stone-throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord Chamberlain,
+heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under my own apartment.
+Gratifying. Treaty on point of being signed.
+
+_Foreign Minister to British Envoy._
+
+Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick! France, not
+unnaturally, seems rather galled. See joke? Play on word "Gaul."
+
+_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._
+
+Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more of 'em.
+Treaty settled! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all British subjects
+trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs. Draft, with Sultan's
+signature, returned to him to be properly copied out. Mere formality.
+Packing up, and off to Coast to-night.
+
+_Same to Same._
+
+Arrived at coast. Treaty in carpet-bag. Regret to say, that on
+examining it, find that Sultan has slipped in the little word "not" in
+every clause. Makes hash of whole thing. What shall I do?
+
+_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy._
+
+Do nothing! Former Foreign Minister no longer in Office. General
+Election _has_ taken place. Whole subject will be reconsidered,
+with quite new lights, before long. Off for a holiday just now, and
+can't attend to it. You'll hear from me again in about six months.
+Meanwhile, your motto must be--"_Fez-tina lente_!" Last joke.
+Brilliant. Just going to let it off at dinner-party. P.S.--Great
+success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REEF-LECTION.--Delivering judgment in the case of _Osborne_ v.
+_Aaron's Reef, Limited_, Mr. Justice CHITTY, in the interests of the
+public, was justly severe on both plaintiff and defendants, declining
+"to give any costs in this action to such a Company." Everyone is
+familiar with the nautical expression of "taking in a reef," which
+seems to have been a slightly difficult operation for anyone to
+perform with AARON's Reef, which, after the manner of AARON's Rod,
+when it was transformed into a serpent, appears to possess the faculty
+of swallowing to a very considerable extent. Knowing brokers, if
+consulted, would not have sung to unwary clients the popular ditty
+"_Keep your Aarons_," but would have recommended them, being in, to
+be out again in double-quick time, if there were any chance of an
+immediate though small ready-money profit to be made, before one could
+have said "Scissors!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MARGATE BY MOONLIGHT.
+
+    _It is about nine P.M.; in the West, a faint saffron flush
+    is lingering above the green and opal sea, while the upper
+    part of the church tower still keeps the warm glow of sunset.
+    The stars are beginning to appear, and a mellow half moon is
+    rising in a deep violet sky. Lamps are twinkling above the
+    dusky cliffs, and along the curve of the shore._
+
+    _The Reader will kindly imagine himself on a seat at the
+    end of the Pier, where the Sand is playing, and scraps of
+    conversation from his neighbours and passing promenaders,
+    reach his ear involuntarily._
+
+_Fair Promenader_ (_roused to enthusiasm by the surroundings_). Oh,
+don't it look lovely at night? (_Impulsively._) I can't _'elp_ sayin'
+so.
+
+_Her Companion_ (_whose emotions are less easily stirred_). Why?
+
+_The Fair P._ (_apologetically_). Oh, I don't know exactly--these sort
+o' scenes always _do_ take my fancy.
+
+_Her Comp._ (_making a concession to her weakness_). Well, I must say
+it's picturesque enough--what with the gas outside the 'All by the
+Sea, and the lamps on the whilk stalls.
+
+[Illustration: "Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's
+_vulgar_."]
+
+_First Girl_ (_on seat--to Second_). Here comes that young SPIFFING. I
+do hope he won't come bothering _us_! (_Mr. S. gratifies her desire
+by promenading past in bland unconsciousness_.) Well, I do call that
+_cool_! He must have seen us. Too grand to be seen talking to us
+_here_, I suppose!
+
+_Second Girl_. I'm sure I wouldn't be seen talking to _him_, that's
+all! Why, he's on'y-- [_They pick him to pieces relentlessly._
+
+_First Girl_. Take care--he's coming round again. Now we shall see.
+Mind you don't begin laughing, or else you'll set _me_ off!
+
+    [_As a natural consequence, Mr. S.'s approach excites them
+    both to paroxysms of maidenly mirth._
+
+_Mr. S._ (_halting in front of them_). You two seem 'ighly amused at
+something. What's the joke?
+
+_Second Girl_ (_as the first is compelled to bury her face behind her
+friend's back_). Don't you be too curious. I'll tell you this much--at
+_your_ expense!
+
+_Mr. S._ Oh, is it? Then you might let Me 'ave a a'porth!
+
+_First Girl_. BELLA, if you tell him, I'll never speak to you again.
+
+    [_As there is nothing particular to tell, Miss BELLA
+    preserves the secret._
+
+_Mr. S._ (_reconnoitring his rear suspiciously_). There's nothing
+pinned on to my coat-tails, is there? (_Renewed mirth from the
+couple_.) Well, I see you're occupied--so, good evenin'.
+
+    [_Walks on, with offended dignity._
+
+_Second Girl_. There! I _knew_ how it would be--he's gone off in a
+huff now!
+
+_First Girl_. Let him! He ought to know better than take offence at
+nothing. And such a ridic'lous little object as he's looking, too!
+What else can he _expect_, I'd like to know!... Don't you feel it
+chilly, sitting still?
+
+_Second Girl_ (_rising with alacrity_). I was just thinking. Suppose
+we take a turn--the _other_ way round, or he might think--
+
+_First Girl_. We'll show him others have their pride as well as him.
+[_They disappear in the crowd._
+
+_Mr. Spiffing_ (_repassing a few minutes later, with one of the young
+Ladies on each arm_). Well, there, say no more about it--so long as it
+wasn't at Me, I don't mind! [_They pass on._
+
+_A Wheezy Matron_ (_in a shawl_). She was a prettier byby in the fice
+than any o' the others--sech a lydylike byby she was--we never 'ad
+no bother with her! and never, as long as I live, shall I forgit her
+Grandpa's words when he saw her settin' up in her 'igh cheer at tea,
+with her little cheeks a marsk o' marmalade. "LOUISER JYNE," he sez,
+"you mark my words--she's the on'y reelly _nice_ byby you ever 'ad, or
+_will_ ave!"
+
+_Her Comp_. An' he wasn't given to compliments in a general way,
+neither, _was_ he?
+
+_Anxious Mother_. I can't make him out. Sometimes I think he means
+something, and yet,--Every morning we've been here, he's come up to
+her on the Pier, and brought her a carnation inside of his 'at.
+
+_Her Confidante_. Then depend upon it, my dear, he has intentions. _I_
+should say so, certingly!
+
+_The Mother_. Ah, but CARRIE tells me she's dropped her glove,
+accidental-like, over and over again, and he's always picked it
+up,--and handed it back to her. I reelly don't know what _to_ think!
+
+_The Confidante_. Well, I wouldn't lose heart--with the moon drawin'
+on to the full, as it is!
+
+_A Seaside Siren_ (_conscious of a dazzling complexion--to a
+suburban Ulysses_). I wish I could get brown--I think it's so awfully
+becoming--but I never can!
+
+_Ulysses_. Some people _are_ like that. On'y turn _red_, you know,
+specially the nose--catches 'em _there_, y'know!
+
+_The Siren_. I'm obliged to you, I'm sure! Is that meant to be
+personal?
+
+_Ulysses_. Oh, I wasn't thinking of _you_ when I said that.
+
+_The Siren_. You're very complimentary. But do tell me--am _I_ like
+that? (_She presents her face for his inspection_.) Candidly, now.
+
+_Ulysses_ (_conscientiously_). Well, I don't notice anything
+particular--but, you see, colours don't show up by moonlight.
+
+    [_The Siren coldly intimates that her Mother will be
+    waiting supper for them._
+
+_An Habitue_. Some people will tell yer, now, that Margit's _vulgar_.
+They must be precious 'ard to please, that's all! I'm as partickler
+as what most are, and I can assure yer if there was anythink o' _that_
+sort about, I shouldn't come down 'ere reglar, season after season,
+like I do!
+
+_His Companion_. In course not--and no more shouldn't I, neither!
+
+_ALONG THE ESPLANADE._
+
+_Female Voice_ (_from the recesses of a glazed shelter_). But if
+you're on the sands all day, how is it I never _see_ you?
+
+_Male Voice_ (_mysteriously_). Would you like to know? Really? You
+shall. (_With pride_.) I'm one of the Niggers!
+
+_Fem. V._ (_deeply impressed_). Not "GUSSIE," or "Uncle ERNIE!"
+
+_Male V._ (_with proud superiority_). Not exactly. I conduct, _I_
+do--on the 'armonium.
+
+_Fern. V._ (_rapturously_). Oh! I 'ad a sort o' feeling, from the very
+first, that you must be _Somebody_!
+
+_A Lodging-House Keeper_. Yes, nice people they was--I don't know when
+I've _'ad_ such nice people. I'll tell you what they _did_ ... They
+come on a Thursday--yes, Thursday it was--and took the rooms from the
+Saturday followin' to the next Saturday--and then they stopped on to
+the Saturday after that. I do call that nice--don't _you_?
+
+_A Mystic Plaint_ (_from a Bench_). Many and many a time I've borrered
+the kittles for them when the School Inspector was comin'--and now for
+them to turn round on me like this! It's a shame, it is.
+
+_A Lady of Economical Principles_ (_at a Bow-window, addressing her
+Husband at the railings_). Why, my dear _feller_, why ever did you go
+and do _that_--when there was a bed empty 'ere for him?
+
+_The Husband_ (_sulkily_). No one ever said a word to _me_ about there
+being a bed. And I've taken one for him now at the Paragon, anyway--so
+_that's_ settled!
+
+_The Economical Lady_. I call it downright foolishness to go paying
+'alf-a-crown a night for a bed, when there's one all ready _'ere_ for
+him! And you don't know _how_ long he may mean to stop, either!
+
+_The Self-invited Visitor_ (_suddenly emerging from the
+shadow_).--You'll be 'appy to know, Mum, that your 'ospitality will
+not exceed the 'alf-crown. Good evenin'. [_Retires to the Paragon._
+
+_The Econ. L._ (_regretfully_). And a lobster ordered in for supper
+a-purpose for him, too!
+
+_A Street Musician_ (_with a portable piano_). I will next attempt
+a love-song. I feel full of love to-night. Oh, Ladies and
+Gentlemen--(_earnestly_)--take advantage of a salubrious night like
+this! Anyone who has not yet contributed will kindly embrace this
+opportunity of placing his offering upon the instrument; after which I
+shall endeavour to sing you "_In Old Madrid_." Oh, _what_ a difficult
+ditty it is, to be sure, dear Ladies and Gentlemen--especially as it
+makes the twenty-seventh I've sung since tea-time--however, I will do
+my best. (_He sings it_.) That will conclude my _al-fresco_ Concert
+for this evening. And now, thanking you all for your generous
+patronage of my humble efforts, and again reminding those who have not
+yet expressed their appreciation in a pecuniary form, that I am now
+about to circulate with the hat for the last time, I wish you all
+farewell, and balmy slumbers!
+
+    [_He collects the final coins, and wheels away the piano. The
+    crowd disperses; the listeners in the lodging-house balconies
+    retire; and the Crescent is silent and deserted._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+One of the Baron's "Merry Men All" has been reading and enjoying Mr.
+BARRY PAIN's _Stories and Interludes_. The book has a wondrously weird
+and heavily-lined picture in front, which is just a little too like
+a "Prophetic Hieroglyphic" in _Zadkiel's Almanack_. An emaciated and
+broken-winged devil is apparently carrying an engine-hose through a
+churchyard, whilst a bat flits against a curious sky, which looks like
+a young grainer's first attempt at imitating "birds'-eye maple." Upon
+a second glance it seems possible that the "hose" is a snake, the tail
+of which the devil is gnawing. The gruesome design illustrates a yet
+more gruesome Interlude, entitled, "_The Bat and the Devil._" But it
+gives no fair idea of the contents of the volume, some of which are
+charming.
+
+Read _White Nights_, stories within a story, told by a tragical
+"Fool," of the breed of HUGO's _Rigoletto_, and POE's _Hopfrog_--with
+a difference. They are told with force and grace, and with unstrained,
+but moving pathos. Read "The Dog That Got Found," a brief sketch
+indeed, but abundantly suggestive. Poor _Fido_--the "dog that got to
+be utterly sick of conventionality," and came to such bitter grief in
+his search for "life poignant and intense!" He might read a lesson
+to many a two-legged prig, were the bipedal nincompoop capable of
+learning it.
+
+_The Glass of Supreme Moments_ is, perhaps, needlessly enigmatical,
+and _Rural Simplicity_, _Concealed Art_, and _Two Poets_, strike one
+as superfluously "unpleasant." Mr. PAIN seems slightly touched with
+the current literary fad for making bricks with the smallest possible
+quantity of straw. One halfpennyworth of the bread of incident to
+an intolerable deal of the sack of strained style and pessimist
+commentary, make poorish imaginative pabulum, though there seems an
+increasing appetite for it amongst those who, unlike _Lucas Morne_ in
+_The Glass of Supreme Moments_, plume themselves upon possession of
+"the finer perceptions." _The Magic Morning_ is a "scrap" elaborately
+sauced and garnished; the fleeting flavour may possess a certain
+sub-acid piquancy, but such small dishes of broken meats are hardly
+nourishing or wholesome.
+
+Mr. PAIN has a delicate fancy and a graceful style, a bitter-sweet
+humour, and a plentiful endowment of "the finer perceptions." He
+has done some good work here, and will do better--when he finds his
+subject, and loses his affectations. Read _White Nights_, again says
+the Baron's "retainer."
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMING BARONETCY TO BE MUSICALLY NOTED.--Song for a "Lullaby" or
+a "Good Knight" from _Don Giovanni_, and dedicated by nobody's
+permission to Sir ARTHUR SEYMOUR SULLIVAN, would be "_Barty! Barty!_"
+Will Sir EDWARD SOLOMON be in it? Probably this is "another night."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAYS OF MODERN HOME.
+
+NO. V.--BUTLERLESS.
+
+[Illustration: (Butler.)]
+
+  Oh! bring my Butler back to me;
+    I stray and lapse alone!
+  If this be freedom, to be free
+    Were something best unknown.
+  He used to look so grand and grave--
+    So sad when I was slack;
+  'Twas difficult to misbehave--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  In him was nothing flash nor green--
+    A Seneschal confessed;
+  Most people deemed his reverend mien
+    Some family bequest.
+  And yet but three short, happy years
+    Had seen him on our tack,
+  And made us verge on VERE DE VERES--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  A Pedigree in swallow-tails,
+    He gave our household "tone."
+  My soul plebeian trips and fails
+    (See stanza first) alone.
+  I fall on low Bohemian ways,
+    I doff my evening black;
+  I dine in blazer all ablaze--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  I breakfast now and smoke in bed;
+    I wrench the bell for coals;
+  No master-hand and master-head
+    The day's routine controls.
+  No stately form in homage curved,
+    Our commissariat's lack,
+  Veneers with, "_Dinner, Sir, is served_"--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  A few old friends drop in at times,
+    But ah! their zest is gone;
+  No organ voice with awe sublimes
+    BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.
+  They sound to me quite commonplace,
+    Who seemed a ducal pack:
+  'Twas he who lent them rank and race--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  And _they_ must think me very queer,
+    Each unennobled guest:
+  I munch my chop, I quaff my beer
+    At meal-times unrepressed,
+  I laugh a laughter rude and loud;
+    My little jokes I crack;
+  The parlour-maid with mirth is bowed--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  Yes! bring that paragon to me--
+    'Tis true he drank my wine;
+  But, as I found it disagree,
+    I don't so much repine:
+  'Tis true we missed a little plate
+    When _he_ gave _us_ the sack.
+  But "all things come to them that wait"--
+    Oh, bring my Butler back!
+
+  That gorgeous grace, that smile severe,
+    That look of Lords and Barts,
+  These are the charms that most endear
+    His image to our hearts.
+  The standard of my broken life
+    With him has gone to rack,
+  And, if it were not for my wife,
+    I'd bring my Butler back!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FINE, OR REFINE?
+
+    [An Educational Journal recently suggested the formation of
+    a "Guild of Courtesy," with especial view to refining the
+    manners and language of the youth of the working classes.]
+
+  Hail, noble Guild! By all means drive
+    Expletives from our highways;
+  They are the ruin of our roads,
+    The byword of our byways!
+
+  And rowdies too--to teach them grace
+    A philanthropic art is;
+  _These_ subjects for the Guild may well
+    Be called the "Guildy parties"!
+
+  The lumbering horse-play of the streets,
+    Can we its spirits soothe?
+  Will blarneying do? Or can "the Rough"
+    Be "taken with the smooth"?
+
+  And there's the working girl: can we
+    From yells and rompings wean her?
+  For the demeanour of a Miss
+    Is oft a mis-demeanour.
+
+  O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand
+    _All_ ages and _all_ classes!
+  Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts
+    Supply the freest passes.
+
+  Do not such terms as these of hope
+    Your undertaking rob--
+  The "common people"--"lower class,"
+    "The vulgar," and "the mob"?
+
+  And there's our worship of the purse;
+    'Gainst _it_ pray have a tilt
+  Oh, gild our manners! But take care
+    They are not silver-gilt!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL AT SEA.--The KAISER is reported to be so delighted with his visit
+to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat the journey next
+year. Fond of military display, if he goes to Hyde he will be
+appropriately accompanied by an escort of German Mounted Marines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTERNATIONAL AMENITIES.
+
+_Count Peter van Strubel_ (_just arrived in England, in time for
+Her Grace's Concert_). "ACH! TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR
+LATIES ARE ZOH _PEAUDIFUL_, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZOH _OCKLY_?"
+
+_Her Grace._ "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE ENGLISH, COUNT, AND
+THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT HAPPENS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+READING THE STARS A LA MODE.
+
+(_EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS
+INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED._)
+
+_August_ 10, 1899.--Open this book just to jot down briefly the
+results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living
+in the adjacent planet. Get a better notion by this means of what
+we are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as
+an heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last
+nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts),
+we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to
+us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new
+telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made
+out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. On more
+careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of
+eruption. White hat evidently the smoke. Could distinctly locate the
+ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another
+seven years' cruise.
+
+_August_ 10, 1906.--Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my
+predecessor, the transactions of the Company. By the way, my new berth
+is a very pleasant one. Have nothing to do except every seven years,
+when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This time we have a
+first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven
+years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance.
+Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one
+of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way
+(like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made out a
+man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid donkey! Have to
+wait for another seven years.
+
+_August_ 10, 1913.--Again ready. Better telescope than one in use
+seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers. They are
+written in same language as our own. Nothing in them worth quoting.
+Evidently "silly season" over there as well as here. Account of
+the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets, but the
+inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have
+arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand
+it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe something
+like "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_." Interesting. Popular song of fourteen
+years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the Solar System.
+Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another seven years.
+
+_August_ 10, 1920.--We ought to do something this time. Improved
+telescope; can see everything. So excellent that we can almost hear
+the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in through-space-hurling
+machinery. We applied this new power to a pea-shooter, and, at the
+first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian policeman on
+the nose. He first arrested an innocent person for the assault, but,
+on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the
+Earth. Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting. They then
+began to watch our signals. They were just about to reply when we
+started off for another seven years.
+
+_August_ 10, 1927.--I take up my predecessor's book to continue these
+observations. Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants of the
+neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the look out
+for us. Yes, there they were. We have just signalled "How are you?"
+But it has received, as yet, no reply. The Marsians seem to be
+signalling, but not in our direction. We have just tried another
+message, "Good morning; do you use soap?" Ah, this has woke them up!
+They _do_ understand us. They have replied, "Don't be rude." We are
+greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet Mars, we
+believe?" This has elicited no response. Strange! We have begged for a
+reply, and it has just come. Here it is:--"Don't bother; can't attend
+to you just now. We are talking with the planet Jupiter." Time up! Off
+for another seven years!
+
+_August_ 10, 1934.--Just one line to add to the other communications
+of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company,
+Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and
+North Saturn Aerial Railway Company. During the present near approach
+of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric air-torpedo train will
+leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital of Mars. The excursion
+will be personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus. Return
+tickets, Second Class, L1,000; First Class (with hotel coupons), Half
+an ounce of coal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WILL THEY WORK?"
+
+LORD ROSEBERY (_aside to McHARCOURT, the Gillie_). "WONDER WHAT SORT
+OF A BAG HE'LL MAKE--_OVER THOSE DOGS!!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.
+
+(_SUPPLEMENTARY AND IMAGINARY DESPATCH NOT YET RECEIVED AT THE FOREIGN
+OFFICE._)
+
+It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that amongst
+my _suite_ I had the pleasure to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF,
+the celebrated Germano-Russian _prestidigitateur_. When I received a
+despatch from the Foreign Office informing me that I was premature
+in destroying the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained
+provisions that were entirely different to those which the Sultan had
+already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I made up my mind
+to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view to setting things
+right. I considered it advisable to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF,
+as I counted upon that eminent conjuror's valuable aid to assist me in
+carrying out what I venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object.
+
+When we reached the room the Sultan was occupying, we found His
+Sheriffian Majesty regarding with some indignation, the remains of the
+Draft Treaty that had been brought back to him by the messengers the
+Sultan had sent to me.
+
+His Majesty was very angry, and had given orders for the immediate
+execution of Herr VON POPOFF and myself, when my talented assistant
+gently placed his hand upon the head of the swarthy and irate
+Sovereign, and by a clever pass produced an egg. This amused and
+amazed the Sultan immensely, and his Sheriffian Majesty desired that
+the feat should be repeated. This request received immediate practical
+acquiescence as the wonderworker deliberately extracted eggs from the
+Sultan's arms, legs, and whiskers. Having obtained some dozen eggs by
+this means, Herr VON POPOFF borrowed a turban from the Prime Minister,
+and breaking the eggs into his improvised saucepan, mixed the mess
+into a compact mass with the assistance of a scimitar kindly lent for
+the occasion by the Commander-in-Chief.
+
+"High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" exclaimed the Wizard, and in
+a trice, the eggs had disappeared, and in their place appeared a
+pound-cake. I have the honour to report that the cake was then cut
+into small portions and passed round for consumption. His Sheriffian
+Majesty was good enough to partake of the rather stale comestible. The
+remainder of the cake was devoured by the _suite_.
+
+By this time the Sultan was in great good humour, when unfortunately
+his eyes fell upon the remains of the destroyed Draft Treaty which
+were still lying unheeded on the palace floor. Seeing them his
+Sheriffian Majesty rolled his eyes savagely, and sent for the Lord
+High Executioner.
+
+It was at this crisis that Herr VON POPOFF showed great presence of
+mind and absolute coolness. Without a moment's hesitation he requested
+that the fragments of paper might be given to him. Taking them in
+his right hand, he placed them in the turban he had previously used
+for manufacturing his pound-cake, and once more repeated his magic
+formula.
+
+To the general surprise (and I must not omit my own individuality from
+the universal astonishment) he produced a new Treaty, which I then had
+the honour of handing to the Sultan for signature.
+
+The Treaty (which was subsequently discovered to contain several
+important concessions to the country I have the honour to represent)
+was then signed, and the _prestidigitateur_ and I retired loaded with
+honours.
+
+I have, in conclusion, to beg permission to wear the Sheriffian Order
+of the Diamond-eyed Pig of the Second Class. The Sun-Star of the
+Emerald Life-sized White Elephant of the Double First-Class has
+already been accepted by Herr VON POPOFF, as that gentleman, being a
+foreign subject, has no need to desire official authorisation to use
+his recently-acquired and extremely bulky decoration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GROUSE DRIVING."
+
+THIS IS WHAT SHE IMAGINED IT TO BE IN HER DREAM OF THE 12TH OF
+AUGUST.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEMORABLE.
+
+SIR,--So many punning Epitaphs have recently appeared in the _Times a
+propos_ of "BOB LOWE," that I am sure you will now allow me to produce
+and publish what was rejected by your Editor, long before the decease
+of the above-mentioned eminent Statesman. I thought it, and still
+think it, uncommonly good; but the then Editor said, "No--it is
+unseemly to joke about the decease of a living celebrity." Now on the
+good old maxim of "_Nil nisi bonum_," I beg you will produce this,
+as I'm sure it is, and always was, uncommonly _bonum_, and like good
+wine, all the better for keeping. Here it is:--
+
+ON THE LATE B.L.
+
+  Bob! has he gone above the sky?
+  We hope that it is so.
+  Yet when above, however high,
+  He'll always be B.-LOWE.
+
+I've seen nothing to equal this; at least, being a judge of such
+things, I may safely say so, adding humbly, "A poor thing, but mine
+own."
+
+Yours, L.S. PRIT D'ESCALIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACCIDENTAL JOKE.--When does an explosion do no harm? When a husband
+blows his wife up--and she deserves it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INFRA DIG.
+
+  Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find
+  _One_ Abdiel to enticement bravely blind,
+  _One_ class not thrall to Plutus. But, hurroo!
+  England rejoice aloud, for thou hast _two_.
+  Sweet are the uses of--Advertisement,
+  To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-cent.
+  The Mart, the Forum, and--alas!--the Fane.
+  Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain;
+  The leaded column and the poster smart
+  Seduce the Histrio; e'en the thrall of Art
+  Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste,
+  That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste.
+  The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe
+  Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe.
+  But there be those share not the general taint;
+  The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned Saint.
+  Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade
+  That would confuse Professions with mere Trade.
+  No, briefs and bills of costs _may_ loom too big,
+  _Harpagon_ hide beneath a horsehair wig,
+  _Sangrado_ thrive on flattery and shrewd knack.
+  And _Dulcamara_, safe in silence, quack;
+  But--chortle, oh ye good, rejoice, ye wise!--
+  Physic and Law will never--_Advertise_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PARIAH."--In the latest copy to hand of that wonderful penn'orth
+of gossip and information, _Sala's Journal_, Vol. I. No. 16, and in
+the very first line of the light and leading article, our "G.A.S."
+asks "Is Woman a Pariah?" Of course she is not, we reply, not even if
+she be the very masculinest of females. Some, if they are "Riahs" at
+all, are "Ma-riahs." "Riah," it may be remembered, is the abbreviated
+form of the name as in the once popular Coster's song of "_What cheer
+Riah?_" Whether spelt with or without an "h" is of no consequence, the
+Coster not being particular.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO DR. LOUIS ROBINSON.
+
+    (_Who said at the British Association that a Baby was an
+    animal as interesting as any which had been brought from the
+    uttermost parts of the Earth_.)
+
+  Quite right, Dr. ROBINSON, perfectly right,
+    No longer the need to repair to the Zoo;
+  No longer we'll see with increasing delight
+    The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe Kangaroo.
+  But the "animal's interest" shall charm us instead,
+    Though it's scarcely a charm _you've_ discovered,--at least
+  There's many a father who's pointedly said,
+    That his int'resting Babe was a "mere little beast!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEASONABLE BUT UNFAIR.--When you have to pay heavily for light
+refreshments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ATAVISM.
+
+_Proud Mother_. "BUT _REALLY_ NOW, DR. BIRCH, DON'T YOU THINK IT
+RATHER EXTRAORDINARY THAT WE SHOULD HAVE _THREE_ SUCH CLEVER SONS?"
+
+_Dr. B._ "WHY, NO, MY DEAR MADAM; NOW YOU HAVE TOLD ME WHAT A
+REMARKABLY CLEVER _GRANDMOTHER_ THEY HAD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT VIVA VOCE.
+
+    ["Due consideration will be given in the selection
+    of Candidates for Scholarships to proficiency in
+    athletics."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+_Examiner_ (_courteously_). Have you studied any Latin author?
+
+_Candidate_ (_with hesitation_). I once looked into CORNELIUS NEPOS,
+but never could construe half a dozen lines.
+
+_Exam._ What have you studied in Greek?
+
+_Can._ Tried the first page of VALPY, and got through the present of
+[Greek: tupto]--then gave it up.
+
+_Exam._ Do you know anything about Mathematics?
+
+_Can._ Fancy I have heard of the Rule of Three, but hanged if I know
+much about Fractions.
+
+_Exam._ (_a little despairingly_). Can you give the dates of the four
+WILLIAMS in English History?
+
+_Can._ No. Suppose followed one another, as shillings of the time of
+WILLIAM THE FOURTH still in use. Suppose WILLIAM THE FIRST must have
+been about the end of the Eighteenth Century.
+
+_Exam._ (_with new hope_). Do you know anything about Geography?
+
+_Can._ Not without a _Continental Bradshaw_.
+
+_Exam._ (_nothing daunted_). Can you tell me the name of the spot
+which is supposed to be the centre of the universe?
+
+_Can._ I haven't the faintest idea, but suppose you mean Monte Carlo.
+
+_Exam._ (_as a last resource_). Do you know anything about Law?
+
+_Can._ Nothing at all, except that one of my friends had to pay five
+pounds, the other day, for assaulting a Policeman.
+
+_Exam._ (_losing his temper_). Then what on earth _do_ you know?
+
+_Can._ Only how to break the record of the quarter mile.
+
+_Exam._ (_brightening up_). And can you play Cricket?
+
+_Can._ (_contemptuously_). _Can_ I play Cricket! Why I carried my bat
+out for 184 against Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest.
+
+_Exam._ (_cordially grasping his hand_). My dear Sir, after the
+satisfactory examination you have just undergone, I shall have much
+pleasure in recommending you for a Scholarship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, Aug_. 8.--Think I mentioned, just before
+Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his
+warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and
+should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged
+out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident.
+
+[Illustration: Asquith, Q.C.]
+
+"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never did speak
+again in that House. This is a different thing. Besides, I'm not going
+to make a speech, but to read a paper."
+
+Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move
+Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible.
+Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be excused. W.H. CROSS
+seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day
+disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit.
+Fancy he really meant it. GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on
+with fond affection. Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet
+of water. His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last
+moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how
+India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know.
+Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR.
+Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince
+said,--"Well, we're not the only parties changing places. I see,
+from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into
+Opposition."
+
+GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things too sacred
+for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. Moreover, not free
+from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact is, been, so to speak,
+"on the joke" himself. Modest merit, like murder, will out. No use
+attempting to burke what is open secret. All those funereal jokes
+in young Cross's speech--his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH
+happily put it--were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS _pere_ composed them
+in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son.
+
+"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly
+make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for
+England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must risk that.
+There they are," he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a
+black-edged envelope, "and may a father's blessing accompany them."
+
+There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House as to how
+they were to be received. On the whole, went off well. The reference
+to "the Government, at whose last hours we have now arrived," and the
+proposal to write their epitaph, brought down the House. GRAND CROSS
+sitting in Gallery nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged.
+In larger leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these
+vicarious flashes of latent humour.
+
+[Illustration: OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.]
+
+_Business done_.--Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence,
+submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.
+
+_Tuesday_.--Imminence of change in Ministry brings into prominence and
+close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when Home Rule is
+established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in
+his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always
+know, when the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night
+good Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish
+brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him to
+higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, Q.C., "sitting
+on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely effective. Irish Members
+cruelly and effectually retorted by putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to
+reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, but it was a gashly effort. Device
+evidently effective. REDMOND did admirably; nothing could have been
+better than his grave remark, to presumably alarmed House, that,
+having for seven years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure
+them that he was "perfectly harmless--perfectly harmless."
+
+[Illustration: Honest John Burns.]
+
+"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up his
+ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of
+SAUNDERSON."
+
+Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of feeling in
+Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., was returned at
+General Election, in place of CHARLES LEWIS--a character useful as a
+study for young Members, showing how a man of considerable ability,
+and distinct Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure.
+Ross born and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial
+practices. Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are
+apt to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If
+they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS,
+"they'll find the Derry Boy in it."
+
+So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his
+trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up
+just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented
+by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back his
+coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most of
+the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered.
+
+"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a
+paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the
+bush."
+
+So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw anything at
+New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded successful Maiden
+Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets into his locker.
+
+"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned his
+landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off home, at
+least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter.
+
+_Business done_.--More debate on Address.
+
+_Thursday_.--Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of seats
+in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Government. All
+the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD
+CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for
+these, as affording novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says
+it was very nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected
+every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as they
+do in the Parks."
+
+CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives when he
+stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with. ALPHEUS
+CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of order that, in Moving
+Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had exhausted his right to speak.
+House howled. Just as if, Lyceum crowded to see IRVING play _Charles
+the First_, JOHNNIE TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as
+CHARLES THE FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago,
+IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well done,
+and added something to interest of moment. But unnecessary. JOSEPH
+equal to occasion without adventitious aid.
+
+[Illustration: Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am.]
+
+A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T
+KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better with his
+quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt tripping up. As
+usual, best where speech broken in upon with rude interruption. Note
+the incident when launched upon his peroration, carefully prepared
+and perilously adventured upon. House not passionately fond of
+perorations. Will suffer them only from Mr. G. and one or two others.
+CHAMBERLAIN rarely rises to peroration point. To-night a great
+occasion. Solemn enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling
+tide, he came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to
+consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face turned to
+Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his back rose shouts
+of ironical cheers and noisy laughter, "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped
+perforce, and with scornful gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob
+behind, said, "Yes, to the others I do not speak;" then went on and
+finished his sentence.
+
+"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF MALWOOD.
+
+"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made for
+Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a story I heard
+when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going on in a quiet street
+in Glasgow. Among the company present was observed a man whom nobody
+seemed to know, but who was bustling about as if he were in charge
+of most things. At last the undertaker, jealous of his own position,
+suggested he had better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the
+Unknown, his eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the
+corpp.' Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the
+corpp, and we must bear with him a little."
+
+That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet. There may
+come times of distress and famine when he will be heard of from Egypt.
+
+_Business done_.--The Government's. Wound up by a majority of 40 in
+turbulent House of 660 Members.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVIDIUS REMARK.
+
+[Illustration: ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+Ovid quite at Tomi. Tomi not quite at Tomi at Ovid.]
+
+    (_From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from Gout, has
+    been forbidden his favourite beverage_.)
+
+DEAR TOPER,--Alas, no more of "The generous" for some time to come,
+and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from my Tea! "What, no
+soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for "Soap," and there I am. My boy
+TOMMY, who is at home for the holidays, reminds me of what OVID said
+at Tomi, not _to_ TOMMY, as they were not contemporaries, "_Nec tecum
+vivere possum, nec sine te_." For "_te_" read "tea," and that's my
+case to a T.
+
+[Greek: Thatts Houtis.]
+
+_Goughty Street, Old Portman Square._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--And now for another glance
+at Racing. Next week we have meetings at Stockton and Wolverhampton,
+and the most important race is the Stockton Handicap, for which I will
+append my usual poetic selection:--
+
+_STOCKTON HANDICAP SELECTION._
+
+  A difficult river to cross, I am told,
+    Is the one that is known as the Styx;
+  But, if rider and horseman be equally bold,
+    You can _do it by aid of "The Pyx"_!
+
+This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been
+"selectionless" for some weeks, and have therefore been unable to bet,
+unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable information given
+by _all_ the other sporting writers, but never by, yours truly,
+
+LADY GAY. _Nash Hotel, Bournemouth._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+103, August 20, 1892, by Various
+
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