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diff --git a/14942.txt b/14942.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..556fe8d --- /dev/null +++ b/14942.txt @@ -0,0 +1,840 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +December 25, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 25, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14942] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 25, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +HOW MR. CHOKEPEAR KEEPS A MERRY CHRISTMAS. + +Mr. CHOKEPEAR is, to the finger-nails, a respectable man. The tax-gatherer +was never known to call at his door a second time for the same rate; he +takes the sacrament two or three times a year, and has in his cellar the +oldest port in the parish. He has more than once subscribed to the fund +for the conversion of the Jews; and, as a proof of his devotion to the +interests of the established church, it was he who started the +subscription to present the excellent Doctor MANNAMOUTH with a superb +silver tea-pot, cream-jug, and spoons. He did this, as he has often +proudly declared, to show to the infidel world that there were some men in +the parish who were true Christians. He has acquired a profound respect +for Sir PETER LAURIE, since the alderman's judgments upon "the starving +villains who would fly in the face of their Maker;" and, having a very +comfortable balance at his banker's, considers all despair very weak, very +foolish, and very sinful. He, however, blesses himself that for such +miscreants there is Newgate; and more--there is Sir PETER LAURIE. + +Mr. CHOKEPEAR loves Christmas! Yes, he is an Englishman, and he will tell +you that he loves to keep Christmas-day in the true old English fashion. +How does he keep it? + +It is eight o'clock, and Mr. CHOKEPEAR rises from his goose-down. He +dresses himself, says his short morning thanksgiving, and being an +economist of time, unconsciously polishes his gold watch-chain the while. +He descends to the breakfast parlour, and receives from lips of ice, the +wishes of a happy Christmas, pronounced by sons and daughters, to whom, as +he himself declares, he is "the best of fathers"--the most indulgent of +men. + +The church-bell tolls, and the CHOKEPEARS, prepare for worship. What +meekness, what self-abasement sits on the Christian face of TOBIAS +CHOKEPEAR as he walks up the aisle to his cosey pew; where the woman, with +turned key and hopes of Christmas half-crown lighting her withered face, +sinks a curtsey as she lets "the miserable sinner" in; having carefully +pre-arranged the soft cushions and hassocks for the said sinner, his wife, +his sons, and daughters. The female CHOKEPEARS with half the produce of a +Canadian winter's hunting in their tippets, muffs, and dresses, and with +their noses, like pens stained with red ink,--prepare themselves to +receive the religious blessings of the day. They then venture to look +around the church, and recognising CHOKEPEARS of kindred nature, though +not of name, in pews--(none of course among the _most_ "miserable sinners" +on the bare benches)--they smile a bland salutation, and--but hush! the +service is about to begin. + +And now will TOBIAS CHOKEPEAR perform the religious duties of a Christian! +Look at him, how he feeds upon every syllable of the minister. He turns +the Prayer-book familiarly, as if it were his bank account, and, in a +moment, lights upon the prayers set apart for the day. With what a +composed, assured face he listens to the decalogue--how firm his voice in +the responses--and though the effrontery of scandal avows that he shifts +somewhat from Mrs. CHOKEPEAR'S eye at the mention of "the +maid-servant"--we do not believe it. + +It is thus CHOKEPEAR begins his Christmas-day. He comes to celebrate the +event of the Incarnation of all goodness; to return "his most humble and +hearty thanks" for the glory that Providence has vouchsafed to him in +making him a Christian. He--Tobias CHOKEPEAR--might have been born a +Gentoo! Gracious powers! he might have been doomed to trim the lamps in +the Temple of Juggernaut--he might have come into this world to sweep the +marble of the Mosque at Mecca--he might have been a faquir, with iron and +wooden pins "stuck in his mortified bare flesh"--he might, we shudder to +think upon the probability, have brandished his club as a New Zealander; +and his stomach, in a state of heathen darkness to the humanising beauties +of goose and apple-sauce, might, with unblessed appetite, have fed upon +the flesh of his enemies. He might, as a Laplander, have driven a sledge, +and fed upon walrus-blubber; and now is he an Englishman--a Christian--a +carriage holder, and an eater of venison! + +It is plain that all these thoughts--called up by the eloquence of Doctor +MANNAMOUTH, who preaches on the occasion--are busy in the bosom of +CHOKEPEAR; and he sits on his soft cushion, with his eyelids declined, +swelling and melting with gratitude for his blissful condition. Yes; he +feels the glorious prerogative of his birth--the exquisite beauty of his +religion. He ought to feel himself a happy man; and, glancing round his +handsomely-appointed pew--he _does_. + +"A sweet discourse--a very sweet discourse," says CHOKEPEAR to several +respectable acquaintance, as the organ plays the congregation out; and +CHOKEPEAR looks round about him airily, contentedly; as though his +conscience was as unseared as the green holly that decorates the pews; as +though his heart was fresh, and red, and spotless as its berries. + +Well, the religious ceremonies of the day being duly observed, CHOKEPEAR +resolves to enjoy Christmas in the true old English fashion. Oh! ye gods, +that bless the larders of the respectable,--what a dinner! The board is +enough to give Plenty a plethora, and the whole house is odoriferous as +the airs of Araby. And then, what delightful evidences of old observing +friendship on the table! There is a turkey--"only a little lower" than an +ostrich--despatched all the way from an acquaintance in Norfolk, to smoke +a Christmas salutation to good Mr. CHOKEPEAR. Another county sends a +goose--another pheasants--another brawn; and CHOKEPEAR, with his eye half +slumbering in delight upon the gifts, inwardly avows that the friendship +of friends really well to do is a fine, a noble thing. + +The dinner passes off most admirably. Not one single culinary accident has +marred a single dish. The pudding is delicious; the custards are something +better than manna--the mince pies a conglomeration of ambrosial sweets. +And then the Port! Mr. CHOKEPEAR smacks his lips like a whip, and gazes on +the bee's wing, as HERSCHELL would gaze upon a new-found star, "swimming +in the blue profound." Mr. CHOKEPEAR wishes all a merry Christmas, and +tosses off the wine, its flavour by no means injured by the declared +conviction of the drinker, that "there isn't such another glass in the +parish!" + +The evening comes on. Cards, snap-dragons, quadrilles, country-dances, +with a hundred devices to make people eat and drink, send night into +morning; and it may be at six or seven on the twenty-sixth of December, +our friend CHOKEPEAR, a little mellow, but not at all too mellow for the +season, returns to his sheets, and when he rises declares that he has +passed a very merry Christmas. If the human animal were all stomach--all +one large paunch--we should agree with CHOKEPEAR that he _had_ passed a +merry Christmas: but was it the Christmas of a good man or a Christian? +Let us see. + +We have said all CHOKEPEAR'S daughters dined with him. We forgot: one was +absent. Some seven years ago she married a poorer husband, and poverty was +his only, but certainly his sufficient fault; and her father vowed that +she should never again cross his threshold. The Christian keeps his word. +He has been to church to celebrate the event which preached to all men +mutual love and mutual forgiveness, and he comes home, and with rancour in +his heart--keeps a merry Christmas! + +We have briefly touched upon the banquet spread before CHOKEPEAR. There is +a poor debtor of his in Horsemonger-lane prison--a debtor to the amount of +at least a hundred shillings. Does _he_ dine on Christmas-day? Oh! yes; +Mr. CHOKEPEAR will read in _The Times_ of Monday how the under-marshal +served to each prisoner a pound of beef, a slice of pudding, and a pint of +porter! The man might have spent the day in freedom with his wife and +children; but Mr. CHOKEPEAR in his pew thought not of his debtor, and the +creditor at least--kept a merry Christmas! + +How many shivering wretches pass CHOKEPEAR'S door! How many, with the +wintry air biting their naked limbs, and freezing within them the very +springs of human hope! In CHOKEPEAR'S house there are, it may be, a dozen +coats, nay, a hundred articles of cast-off dress, flung aside for the +moth--piles of stuff and flannel, that would at this season wrap the limbs +of the wretched in comparative Elysium. Does Mr. CHOKEPEAR, the +respectable, the Christian CHOKEPEAR, order these (to him unnecessary) +things to be given to the naked? He thinks not of them; for he wears +fleecy hosiery next his skin, and being in all things dressed in defiance +of the season--keeps a merry Christmas. + +Gentle reader, we wish you a merry Christmas; but to be truly, wisely +merry, it must not be the Christmas of the CHOKEPEARS. That is the +Christmas of the belly: keep you the Christmas of the heart. Give--give. + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +COMMERCIAL PANIC.--RUMOURED STOPPAGE IN THE CITY. + +There is in the city a noted place for deposits, much resorted to by +certain parties, who are in the habit of giving drafts upon it very +freely, when applied to for payment. We regret to state that if the +severity of the weather continues, a stoppage is expected in the quarter +hinted at, and as the issues are at all times exceedingly copious, the +worst results may be anticipated. Our readers will at once perceive that, +in attributing such an effect as total stoppage to such a cause as +continued frost, we can only point to one quarter which is in the habit of +answering drafts; and, as further delicacy would be useless, we avow at +once that _Aldgate Pump_ is here alluded to. We understand that, as the +customers are chiefly people of straw, it is intended to see what effect +straw will have in averting the calamity. We were sorry to see the other +day a very large _bill_ upon a quarter hitherto so respectable. We are +aware that its exposed condition gives every one a handle against it, and +we are, therefore, the more circumspect in giving currency to every idle +rumour. We should be no less sorry to see _Aldgate Pump_ stop from +external causes, than to know that it had been swamped by its own +excessive issues. Though as yet quite above water, it is feared that it +will soon be in _an-ice_ predicament. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +_Arrivals._--Jack Frost, from the North. + +_Departures._--Several members of the Swellmobocracy have, within the last +few days, quitted Deptford for South Australia. The periods of their +intended sojourn are various. + +_Changes._--Ned Morris has changed his collar, but continues his shirt for +the present. Among the other changes we have to record one effected by Sam +Smasher, of a counterfeit sovereign. + +It is a remarkable fact that the weathercocks have recently changed their +quarters, and have left the West in favour of the East: a predilection of +astounding vulgarity. + +Timothy Tomkins has had another splendid turn-out from his lodgings, the +landlord having complained of want of punctuality in payments. + + * * * * * + + +A LETTER FROM AN OLD FRIEND, + +SHOWING HOW HE IS GETTING ON. + + +_Clodpole, Dec. 23, 1841_. + +MY DEAR PUNCH, + +Here I am, you see, keeping Christmas, and having no end of fun amongst +the jolly innocent grubs that vegetate in these rural districts. All I +regret is that you are not here. I would give a ten-pound note to see you, +if I had it;--I would, indeed--so help me several strong men and a +steam-engine! + +We had a great night in London before I started, only I got rascally +screwed: not exactly sewed up, you know but hit under the wing, so that I +could not very well fly. I managed to break the window on the third-floor +landing of my lodgings, and let my water-jug fall slap through the +wash-hand basin upon a looking-glass that was lying face upwards +underneath; but as I was off early in the morning it did not signify. + +The people down here are a queer lot; but I have hunted up two or three +jolly cocks, and we contrive to keep the place alive between us. Of +course, all the knockers came off the first night I arrived, and to-morrow +we are going to climb out upon the roof of my abode, and make a tour along +the tops of the neighbouring houses, putting turfs on the tops of all the +practicable chimneys. Jack Randall--such a jolly chick! you must be +introduced to him--has promised to tie a cord across the pavement at the +corner, from the lamp-post to a door-scraper; and we have made a careful +estimate that, out of every half-dozen people who pass, six will fall +down, four cut their faces more or less arterially, and two contuse their +foreheads. I, you may imagine, shall wait at home all the evening for the +crippled ones, and Jack is to go halves in what I get for plastering them +up. We may be so lucky as to procure a case of concussion--who knows? Jack +is a real friend: he cannot be of much use to me in the way of +recommendation, because the people here think he is a little wild; but as +far as seriously injuring the parishioners goes, he declares he will lose +no chance. He says he knows some gipsies on the common who have got +scarlet-fever in their tent; and he is going to give them half-a-crown if +they can bring it into the village, to be paid upon the breaking out of +the first undoubted case. This will fag the Union doctor to death, who is +my chief opponent, and I shall come in for some of the private patients. + +My surgery is not very well stocked at present, but I shall write to +Ansell and Hawke after Christmas. I have got a pickle-bottle full of +liquorice-powder, which has brought me in a good deal already, and +assisted to perform several wonderful cures. I administer it in powders, +two drachms in six, to be taken morning, noon, and night; and it appears +to be a valuable medicine for young practitioners, as you may give a large +dose, without producing any very serious effects. Somebody was insane +enough to send to me the other night for a pill and draught; and if Jack +Randall had not been there, I should have been regularly stumped, having +nothing but Epsom salts. He cut a glorious calomel pill out of pipeclay, +and then we concocted a black-draught of salts and bottled stout, with a +little patent boot-polish. Next day, the patient finding himself worse, +sent for me, and I am trying the exhibition of linseed-meal and rose-pink +in small doses, under which treatment he is gradually recovering. It has +since struck me that a minute portion of sulphuric acid enters into the +composition of the polish, possibly causing the indisposition which he +describes "as if he was tied all up in a double-knot, and pulled tight." + +I have had one case of fracture in the leg of Mrs. Finkey's Italian +greyhound, which Jack threw a flower-pot at in the dark the other night. I +tied it up in two splints cut out of a clothes-peg in a manner which I +stated to be the most popular at the Hotel Dieu at Paris; and the old girl +was so pleased that she has asked me to keep Christmas-day at her house, +where she burns the Yule log, makes a bowl of wassail, and all manner of +games. We are going to bore a hole in the Yule log with an old trephine, +and ram it chuck-full of gunpowder; and Jack's little brother is to catch +six or seven frogs, under pain of a severe licking, which are to be put +into one of the vegetable dishes. The old girl has her two nieces home for +the holidays--devilish handsome, larky girls--so we have determined to +take some mistletoe, and give a practical demonstration of the action of +the _orbicularis oris_ and _ievatores labiae superioris et inferioris_. If +either of them have got any tin, I shall try and get all right with them; +but if the brads don't flourish I shall leave it alone, for a wife is just +the worst piece of furniture a fellow can bring into his house, especially +if he inclines to conviviality; although to be sure a medical man ought to +consider her as part of his stock in trade, to be taken at a fair +valuation amidst his stopple-bottles, mortars, measures, and pill-rollers. + +If business does not tumble in well, in the course of a few weeks, we have +another plan in view; but I only wish to resort to it on emergency, in +case we should be found out. The railway passes at the bottom of my +garden, and Jack thinks, with a few pieces of board, he can contrive to +run the engine and tender off the line, which is upon a tolerably high +embankment. I need not tell you all this is in strict confidence; and if +the plan does not jib, which is not very probable, will bring lots of +grist to the mill. I have put the engineer and stoker at a sure guinea a +head for the inquest; and the concussions in the second class will be of +unknown value. If practicable, I mean to have an elderly gentleman "who +must not be moved under any consideration;" so I shall get him into my +house for the term of his indisposition, which may possibly be a very long +one. I can give him up my own bedroom, and sleep myself in an old +harpsichord, which I bought cheap at a sale, and disembowelled into a +species of deceptive bed. I think the hint might put "people about to +marry" up to a dodge in the way of spare beds. Everybody now sees through +the old chiffonier and wardrobe turn-up impositions, but the grand piano +would beat them; only it should be kept locked, for fear any one given to +harmony might commence playing a fantasia on the bolster. + +Our parishioners have very little idea of the Cider-cellars and Coal-hole, +both of which places they take in their literal sense. I think that, with +Jack's assistance, we can establish something of the kind at the Swan, +which is the principal inn. Should it not succeed, I shall turn my +attention to getting up a literary and scientific institution, and give a +lecture. I have not yet settled on what subject, but Jack votes for +Astronomy, for two reasons: firstly, because the room is dark nearly all +the time; and secondly, because you can smug in some pots of half-and-half +behind the transparent orrery. He says the dissolving views in London put +him up to the value of a dark exhibition. We also think we can manage a +concert, which will he sure of a good attendance if we say it is for some +parish charity. Jack has volunteered a solo on the cornet-a-piston: he has +never tried the instrument, but he says he is sure he can play it, as it +looks remarkably easy hanging up in the windows of the music-shops. He +thinks one might drill the children and get up the Macbeth music. + +It is turning very cold to-night, and I think will turn to a frost. Jack +has thrown some water on the pavement before my door; and should it +freeze, I have given strict orders to my old housekeeper not to strew any +ashes, or sand, or sawdust, or any similar rubbish about. People's bones +are very brittle in frosty weather, and this may bring a job. I hope it +will. + +If, in your London rambles, as you seem to be everywhere at once, you +pitch upon Manhug, Rapp, or Jones, give my love to them, and tell them to +keep their powder dry, and not to think of practising in the country, +which is after all a species of social suicide. And with the best +compliments of the season to yourself, and "through the medium of the +columns of your valuable journal" to your readers, believe me to remain, + +My dear old bean, + +Yours very considerably, + +JOSEPH MUFF. + + * * * * * + + +THE SECRET SORROW. + + Oh! let me from the festive board + To thee, my mother, flee; + And be my secret sorrow shared + By thee--by only thee! + + In vain they spread the glitt'ring store, + The rich repast, in vain; + Let others seek enjoyment there, + To me 'tis only pain. + + There _was_ a word of kind advice-- + A whisper, soft and low; + But oh! that _one_ resistless smile! + Alas! why was it so? + + No blame, no blame, my mother dear, + Do I impute to _you_. + But since I ate that currant tart + I don't know what to do! + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +PUNCH'S POSTSCRIPT. + + +MR. AUGUSTUS SWIVEL, (_Professor of the Drum and Mouth-organ, and +Stage-Manager to_ PUNCH'S _Theatre_,) + +LOQUITUR. + + +[Illustration: P]PATRONS OF "PUNCH,"--LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,-- + +We has dropped the curtain and rowled up the baize on the first +half-annivel performance of "PUNCH." The pleasing task now dewolves upon +me, on behoof of the Lessee and the whole strength off the Puppets, to +come forrard and acknowledge the liberal showers of applause and 'apence +what a generous and enlightened British public has powered upon the +performances and pitched into our goss. Steamilated by this St. Swiffin's +of success, the Lessee fearlessly launches his bark upon the high road of +public favor, and enters his Theaytre for the grand steeple-chase of +general approbation. + +Ourn hasn't been a bed of roses. We've had our rivals and our troubles. We +came out as a great hint, and everybody took us. + +First and foremost, the great Juggeler in Printing-house Square, walks in +like the Sheriff and takes our comic effects. + +Then the Black Doctor, as blowed the bellows to the late ministerial +organ, starts a fantoccini and collars our dialect. + +Then, the unhappy wight what acts as dry-nuss to his _Grandmother_, +finding his writing on the pavement with red and white chalk and +sentiment, won't friz,--gives over appealing to the sympathies, kidnaps +our comic offspring, and (as our brother dramatist Muster Sheridan says) +disfigures 'em to make 'em look like his own. + +Then, the whole biling of our other hoppositioners who puts their +shoulders together, to "hoist up a donkey," tries to ornament their werry +wulgar exhibitions with our vitticisms. + +Now this was cruel, deceitful condick on the part of the juggeler,--a side +wind blow from the organ,--didn't show much of the milk of human kindness +with the chalk; and as for the ass,--but no,--brotherly love is our +weakness, and we throws a veil over the donkey. + +During the recess the exterior of the Theaytre will be re-decorated by +Muster Phiz; and the first artists in pen, ink, black-lead, and box-wood, +has been secured to see if any improvements _can_ be made in the interior. + +I have the honor to inform you that we shall commence our next campaign on +January 1, 1842, with renewed henergy, all the old-established wooden +heads, and several new hands. + +And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of "PUNCH," the Puppets, the +Properrieters, and the Orchestra (which is myself), I most respectfully +touches my hat, and wishes you all a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. +_Au rewoir_. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, December 25, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14942.txt or 14942.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/4/14942/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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