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diff --git a/14941-8.txt b/14941-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0531744 --- /dev/null +++ b/14941-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2058 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +December 18, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 18, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14941] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 18, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +12.--OF THE COLLEGE, AND THE CONCLUSION. + +[Illustration: O]Our hero once more undergoes the process of grinding +before he presents himself in Lincoln's-inn Fields for examination at the +College of Surgeons. Almost the last affair which our hero troubles +himself about is the Examination at the College of Surgeons; and as his +anatomical knowledge requires a little polishing before he presents +himself in Lincoln's-inn Fields, he once more undergoes the process of +grinding. + +The grinder for the College conducts his tuition in the same style as the +grinder for the Hall--often they are united in the same individual, who +perpetually has a vacancy for a resident pupil, although his house is +already quite full; somewhat resembling a carpet-bag, which was never yet +known to be so crammed with articles, but you might put something in +besides. The class is carried on similar to the one we have already +quoted; but the knowledge required does not embrace the same multiformity +of subjects; anatomy and surgery being the principal points. + +Our old friends are assembled to prepare for their last examination, in a +room fragrant with the amalgamated odours of stale tobacco-smoke, +varnished bones, leaky preparations, and gin-and-water. Large anatomical +prints depend from the walls, and a few vertebræ, a lower jaw, and a +sphenoid bone, are scattered upon the table. + +"To return to the eye, gentlemen," says the grinder; "recollect the +Petitian Canal surrounds the Cornea. Mr. Rapp, what am I talking about?" + +Mr. Rapp, who is drawing a little man out of dots and lines upon the +margin of his "Quain's Anatomy," starts up, and observes--"Something about +the Paddington Canal running round a corner, sir." + +"Now, Mr. Rapp, you must pay me a little more attention," expostulates the +teacher. "What does the operation for cataract resemble in a familiar +point of view?" + +"Pushing a boat-hook through the wall of a house to pull back the +drawing-room blinds," answers Mr. Rapp. + +"You are incorrigible," says the teacher, smiling at the simile, which +altogether is an apt one. "Did you ever see a case of bad cataract?" + +"Yes, sir, ever-so-long ago--the Cataract of the Ganges at Astley's. I +went to the gallery, and had a mill with--" + +"There, we don't want particulars," interrupts the grinder; "but I would +recommend you to mind your eyes, especially if you get under Guthrie. Mr. +Muff, how do you define an ulcer?" + +"The establishment of a raw," replies Mr. Muff. + +"Tit! tit! tit!" continues the teacher, with an expression of pity. "Mr. +Simpson, perhaps you can tell Mr. Muff what an ulcer is?" + +"An abrasion of the cuticle produced by its own absorption," answers Mr. +Simpson, all in a breath. + +"Well. I maintain it's easier to say a _raw_ than all that," observes Mr. +Muff. + +"Pray, silence. Mr. Manhug, have you ever been sent for to a bad incised +wound?" + +"Yes, sir, when I was an apprentice: a man using a chopper cut off his +hand." + +"And what did you do?" + +"Cut off myself for the governor, like a two-year old." + +"But now you have no governor, what plan would you pursue in a similar +case?" + +"Send for the nearest doctor--call him in." + +"Yes, yes, but suppose he wouldn't come?" + +"Call him out, sir." + +"Pshaw! you are all quite children," exclaims the teacher. "Mr. Simpson, +of what is bone chemically composed?" + +"Of earthy matter, or _phosphate of lime_, and animal matter, or +_gelatine_." + +"Very good, Mr. Simpson. I suppose you don't know a great deal a bout +bones, Mr. Rapp?" + +"Not much, sir. I haven't been a great deal in that line. They give a +penny for three pounds in Clare Market. That's what I call popular +osteology." + +"Gelatine enters largely into the animal fibres," says the leader, +gravely. "Parchment, or skin, contains an important quantity, and is used +by cheap pastry-cooks to make jellies." + +"Well, I've heard of eating your _words_," says Mr. Rapp, "but never your +_deeds_." + +"Oh! oh! oh!" groan the pupils at this gross appropriation, and the class +getting very unruly is broken up. + +The examination at the College is altogether a more respectable ordeal +than the jalap and rhubarb botheration at Apothecaries' Hall, and _par +conséquence_, Mr. Muff goes up one evening with little misgivings as to +his success. After undergoing four different sets of examiners, he is told +he may retire, and is conducted by Mr Belfour into "Paradise," the room +appropriated to the fortunate ones, which the curious stranger may see +lighted up every Friday evening as he passes through Lincoln's-inn Fields. +The inquisitors are altogether a gentlemanly set of men, who are willing +to help a student out of a scrape, rather than "catch question" him into +one: nay, more than once the candidate has attributed his success to a +whisper prompted by the kind heart of the venerable and highly-gifted +individual--now, alas! no more--who until last year assisted at the +examinations. + +Of course, the same kind of scene takes place that was enacted after going +up to the Hall, and with the same results, except the police-office, which +they manage to avoid. The next day, as usual, they are again at the +school, standing innumerable pots, telling incalculable lies, and singing +uncounted choruses, until the Scotch pupil who is still grinding in the +museum, is forced to give over study, after having been squirted at +through the keyhole five distinct times, with a reversed stomach-pump full +of beer, and finally unkennelled. The lecturer upon chemistry, who has a +private pupil in his laboratory learning how to discover arsenic in +poisoned people's stomachs, where there is none, and make red, blue, and +green fires, finds himself locked in, and is obliged to get out at the +window; whilst the professor of medicine, who is holding forth, as usual, +to a select very few, has his lecture upon intermittent fever so strangely +interrupted by distant harmony and convivial hullaballoo, that he finishes +abruptly in a pet, to the great joy of his class. But Mr. Muff and his +friends care not. They have passed all their troubles--they are regular +medical men, and for aught they care the whole establishment may blow up, +tumble down, go to blazes, or anything else in a small way that may +completely obliterate it. In another twelve hours they have departed to +their homes, and are only spoken of in the reverence with which we regard +the ruins of a by-gone edifice, as bricks who were. + + * * * * * + +Our task is finished. We have traced Mr. Muff from the new man through the +almost entomological stages of his being to his perfect state; and we take +our farewell of him as the "general practitioner." In our Physiology we +have endeavoured to show the medical student as he actually exists--his +reckless gaiety, his wild frolics, his open disposition. That he is +careless and dissipated we admit, but these attributes end with his +pupilage; did they not do so spontaneously, the up-hill struggles and +hardly-earned income of his laborious future career would, to use his own +terms, "soon knock it all out of him;" although, in the after-waste of +years, he looks back upon his student's revelries with an occasional +return of old feelings, not unmixed, however, with a passing reflection +upon the lamentable inefficacy of the present course of medical education +pursued at our schools and hospitals, to fit a man for future practice. + +We have endeavoured in our sketches so to frame them, that the general +reader might not be perplexed by technical or local allusions, whilst the +students of London saw they were the work of one who had lived amongst +them. And if in some places we have strayed from the strict boundaries of +perfect refinement, yet we trust the delicacy of our most sensitive reader +has received no wound. We have discarded our joke rather than lose our +propriety; and we have been pleased at knowing that in more than one +family circle our Physiology has, now and then, raised a smile on the lips +of the fair girls, whose brothers were following the same path we have +travelled over at the hospitals. + +We hope with the new year to have once more the gratification of meeting +our friends. Until then, with a hand offered in warm fellowship,--not only +to those composing the class he once belonged to, but to all who have been +pleased to bestow a few minutes weekly upon his chapters,--the Medical +Student takes his leave. + + * * * * * + + +A CON. THAT OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN THE COLONEL'S. + +When does a school-boy's writing-book resemble the Hero of Waterloo?--When +it's a _Well ink'd'un_ (Wellington). + + * * * * * + + +THE "PUFF PAPERS." + +CHAPTER III. + +On my next visit I found Mr. Bayles in full force, and loud in praise of +some eleemosynary entertainment to which he had been invited. Having +exhausted his subject and a tumbler of toddy at the same time, Mr. Arden +"availed himself of the opportunity to call attention to the next tale," +which was found to be + + +A FATAL REMEMBRANCE. + +I was subaltern of the cantonment main-guard at Bangalore one day in the +month of June, 182-. Tattoo had just beaten; and I was sitting in the +guard-room with my friend Frederick Gahagan, the senior Lieutenant in the +regiment to which I belonged, and manager of the amateur theatre of the +station. + +Gahagan was a rattling, care-for-nothing Irishman, whose chief +characteristic was a strong propensity for theatricals and practical +jokes, but withal a generous, warm-hearted fellow, and as gallant a +soldier as ever buckled sword-belt. In his capacity of manager, he was at +present in a state of considerable perplexity, the occasion whereof was +this. + +There chanced then to be on a visit at Bangalore a particular ally of +Fred's, who was leading tragedian of the Chowringhee theatre in Calcutta; +and it was in contemplation to get up Macbeth, in order that the aforesaid +star might exhibit in his crack part as the hero of that great tragedy. +Fred was to play Macduff; and the "blood-boltered Banquo" was consigned to +my charge. The other parts were tolerably well cast, with the exception of +that of Lady Macbeth, which indeed was not cast at all, seeing that no +representative could be found for it. It must be stated that, as we had no +actresses amongst us, all our female characters, as in the times of the +primitive drama, were necessarily performed by gentlemen. Now in general +it was not difficult to command a supply of smooth-faced young ensigns to +personate the heroines, waiting-maids, and old women, of the comedies and +farces to which our performances had been hitherto restricted. But Lady +Macbeth was a very different sort of person to Caroline Dormer and Mrs. +Hardcastle; and our _ladies_ accordingly, one and all, struck work, +refusing point blank to have anything to say to her. + +The unfortunate manager, who had set his heart upon getting up the piece, +was at his wits' end, and had bent his footsteps towards the main guard, +to advise with me as to what should be done in this untoward emergency. I +endeavoured to console him as well as I could, and suggested, that if the +worst came to the worst, the part might be read. But, lugubriously shaking +his caput, Fred declared that would never do; so, after discussing +half-a-dozen Trichinopoly cheroots, with a proportionate quantum of brandy +_pani_, he departed for his quarters. "disgusted," as he said, "with the +ingratitude of mankind," whilst I set forth to go my grand rounds. + +Next morning, having been relieved from guard, I had returned home, and +was taking my ease in my camp chair, luxuriously whiffing away at my +after-breakfast cheroot, when who should step gingerly into the room but +Manager Fred Gahagan. The clouds of the previous evening had entirely +disappeared from his ingenuous countenance, which was puckered up in the +most insinuating manner, with what I was wont to call his 'borrowing +smile;' for Fred was oftentimes afflicted with impecuniosity--a complaint +common enough amongst us subs;--and when the fit was on him, in the spirit +of true friendship, he generally contrived to disburthen me of the few +remaining rupees that constituted the balance of my last month's pay. + +Fred brought himself to an anchor upon a bullock trunk, and, after my boy +had handed him a cheroot, and he had disgorged a few puffs of smoke, thus +delivered himself-- + +"This is a capital weed, Wilmot. I don't know how it is, but you always +manage to have the best tobacco in the cantonment." + +"Hem," said I, drily. "Glad you like it." + +"I say, Peter, my dear fellow," quoth he, "Fitzgerald, Grimes, and I, have +just been talking over what we were discussing last night, about Lady +Macbeth you know." + +"Yes," said I, somewhat relieved to find the conversation was not taking +the turn I dreaded. + +"Well, sir," continued Fred, plunging at once "in medias res,"and speaking +very fast, "and we have come to the conclusion that you are the only +person to relieve us from all difficulty on the subject; Fitzgerald will +take your part of Banquo; and you shall have Lady Macbeth, a character for +which every one agrees you are admirably fitted." + +"I play Lady Macbeth!" cried I, "with my scrubbing-brush of a beard, and +whiskers like a prickly-pear hedge; why, you mast be all mad to think of +such a thing." + +"My dear friend," remarked Gahagan mildly, "you know I have always said +that you had the Kemble eye and nose, and I'm sure you won't hesitate +about cutting off your whiskers when so much depends upon it; they'll soon +grow again you know, Peter; as for your dark chin that don't matter a +rush, as Lady Macbeth is a dark woman." + +The reader will agree with me in thinking that friendship can sometimes be +as blind as love, when I say with respect to my "Kemble eye and nose," +that the former has been from childhood affected with a decided tendency +to strabismus, and the latter bears a considerably stronger resemblance to +a pump-handle than it does to the classic profile of John Kemble or any of +his family. + +"Lieutenant Gahagan," said I, solemnly, "do you remember how, some six +years ago at Hydrabad, when yet beardless and whiskerless, the only hair +upon my face being eyebrows and eyelashes, at your instigation and +'suadente diabolo,' I attempted to perform Lydia Languish in 'The Rivals?' +and hast thou yet forgotten, O son of an unsainted father, how my +grenadier stride, the fixed tea-pot position of my arms, to say nothing of +the numerous other solecisms in the code of female manners which I +perpetrated on that occasion, made me a laughing-stock and a by-word for +many a long day afterwards! All this, I say, must be fresh in your +recollection, and yet you have the audacity to ask me to expose myself +again in a similar manner." + +"Pooh, pooh!" laughed Gahagan, "you were only a boy then, now you have +more experience in these matters; besides, Lydia Languish was a part quite +unworthy of your powers; Lady Macbeth is a horse of another colour." + +"Why, man, with what face could I aver that + + 'I have given suck, and know + How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me.' + +That would certainly draw tears from the audience, but they would be tears +of laughter, not sympathy, I warrant you. No, no, good master Fred, it +won't do, I tell you; and in the words of Lady Macbeth herself, I say-- + + 'What beast was't, then, + That made you break this enterprise to me?' + +And now oblige me by walking your body off, for I have got my yesterday's +guard report to fill up and send in, in default of which I shall be sure +to catch an 'official' from the Brigade-Major." + +But Fred not only did not walk his body off, but harping on the same +string, pertinaciously continued to ply me with alternate arguments and +intreaties, until at last fairly wearied out, and more, I believe, with +the hope of getting rid of the "importunate chink" of the fellow's +discourse, than anything else, in an evil moment I consented! hear it not, +shade of Mrs. Siddons! to denude myself of the bushy honours of my cheeks, +and tread the boards of the Bangalore stage as the wife of that atrocious +usurper "King Cawdor Glamis!" + +Fred marched himself away, elated at having carried his point; and I, +after sundry dubious misgivings anent the rash promise I had made, ended +by casting all compunctious visitings to the winds, and doughtily +resolved, as I was in for the business, to "screw my courage to the +sticking-place,' and go through with it as boldly as I might. + +By dint of continually studying my rôle, my dislike to it gradually +diminished, nay, at length was converted into positive enthusiasm. I +became convinced that I should make a decided hit, and cover my temples +with unfading laurel. I rehearsed at all times, seasons, and places, until +I was a perfect nuisance to everybody, and my acquaintance, I am sure, to +a man, wished both me and her bloodthirsty ladyship, deeper than plummet +ever sounded, at the bottom of the sea. Even the brute creation did not +escape the annoyance. One morning my English pointer "Spot" ran yelping +out of the room, panic-stricken by the vehement manner with which I +exclaimed, "Out damned _spot_, out, I say!" and with the full conviction, +which the animal probably entertained to the day of his death, that the +said anathema had personal reference to himself. + +The evening big with my fate at last arrived. The house was crammed, +expectation on tiptoe, and the play commenced. The first four acts went +off swimmingly, my performance especially was applauded to the echo, and +there only wanted the celebrated sleeping scene, in which I flattered +myself to be particularly strong, to complete my triumph. Triumph, did I +say! + +I must here explain, for the benefit of those who have never rounded the +Cape, that the extreme heat of an Indian climate is so favourable to the +growth of hair as to put those wights who are afflicted with dark +_chevelures_, which was my case, to the inconvenient necessity of +chin-scraping twice on the game day, when they wish to appear particularly +spruce of an evening. Now I intended to have shaved before the play began, +but in the hurry of dressing had forgotten all about it; and upon +inspecting my visage in a glass, after I had donned Lady Macbeth's +night-gear, the lower part of it appeared so swart in contrast with the +white dress, that I found it would be absolutely necessary to pass a razor +over it before going on with my part. + +The night was excessively warm, even for India; and as the place allotted +to us for dressing was very small and confined, the bright thought struck +me that I should have more air and room on the stage, whither I +accordingly directed my servant to follow me with the shaving apparatus. + +I ensconced myself behind the drop-scene, which was down, and was in the +act of commencing the tonsorial operation, when, _horresco referens_, the +prompter's bell rang sharply, whether by accident or design I was never +able to ascertain, but have grievous suspicions that Fred Gahagan knew +something about it--up flew the drop-scene like a shot, and discovered the +following _tableau vivant_ to the astounded audience:-- + +Myself Lady Macbeth, with legs nearly a yard asunder--face and throat +outstretched, and covered with a plentiful white lather--right arm +brandishing aloft one of Paget's best razors, and left thumb and +forefinger grasping my nose. In front of me stood my faithful Hindoo +valet, Verasawmy by name, with a soap-box in one hand, while his other +held up to his master's gaze a small looking-glass, over the top of which +his black face, surmounted by a red turban, was peering at me with grave +and earnest attention. + +A wondering pause of a few seconds prevailed, and then one loud, rending, +and continuous peal of laughter and screams shook the universal house. + +As if smitten with sudden catalepsy, I was without power to move a single +muscle of my body, and for the space of two minutes remained in a stupor +in the same attitude--immovable, rooted, frozen to the spot where I stood. +At length recovering at once my senses and power of motion, I bounded like +a maniac from the stage, pursued by the convulsive roars of the +spectators, and upsetting in my retreat the unlucky Verasawmy, who rolled +down to the footlights, doubled up, and in a paroxysm of terror and +dismay. + +Lieutenant Frederick Gahagan had good reason to bless his stars that in +that moment of frenzy I did not encounter him, the detestable origin of +the abomination that had just been heaped upon my head. I am no two-legged +creature if I should not have sacrificed him on the spot with my razor, +and so merited the gratitude of his regimental juniors by giving them a +step. + +I have never since, either in public or private life, appeared in +petticoats again. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 14. + + Oft have I fondly heard thee pour + Love's incense in mine ear! + Oft bade thy lips repeat once more + The words I deemed sincere! + But--though the truth this heart may break-- + I know thee false "_and no mistake!_" + + My fancy pictured to my heart + Thy boasted passion, pure; + Dreamed thy affection, void of art, + For ever would endure. + Alas! in vain my woe I smother! + I find thee very much "more t'other!" + + 'Twas sweet to hear you sing of _love_, + But, when you talk of _gold_, + Your sordid, base design you prove, + And--for it _must_ be told-- + Since from my soul the truth you drag-- + "You let the cat out of the bag!" + + * * * * * + + +STARVATION STATISTICS FOR SIR ROBERT PEEL + +That the people of this country are grossly pampered there can be no +doubt, for the following facts have been ascertained from which it will be +seen that there have been instances of persons living on much coarser fare +than the working classes in England. + +In 1804, a shipwrecked mariner, who was thrown on to the celebrated +mud-island of Coromandel, lived for three weeks upon his own wearing +apparel. He first sucked all the goodness out of his jacket, and the +following day dashed his buttons violently against the rock in order to +soften them. He next cut pieces from his trousers, as tailors do when they +want cabbage, and found them an excellent substitute for that salubrious +vegetable. He was in the act of munching his boots for breakfast one +morning, when he was fortunately picked up by his Majesty's schooner +_Cutaway_. + +In the year '95, the crew of the brig _Terrible_ lost all their +provisions, except a quantity of candles. After these were gone, they took +a plank out of the side of the vessel and sliced it, which was their board +for a whole fortnight. + +After these startling and particularly well-authenticated facts, it would +be absurd to deny that there is no reason for taking into consideration +the comparatively trifling distress that is now prevalent. + + * * * * * + + +THE FASTEST MAN. + +"A person named Meara," says the _Galway Advertiser_, "confined for debt +some time since in our town jail, fasted sixteen days!" + +Sibthorp says this is an excellent illustration of hard and fast, and +entitles the gentleman to be placed at + +[Illustration: THE SUMMIT OF HIS PROFESSION.] + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORPS CON. CORNER. + +Dear PUNCH,--Have you seen the con. I made the other day? I transcribe it +for you:-- + + "Though Wealth's neglect and Folly's taunt + Conspire to distress the poor, + Pray can you tell me why _sharp_ want + Can ne'er approach the pauper's door" + +D'Orsay has rhymed the following answer:-- + + "The merest child might wonder how + The pauper e'er _sharp_ wants can know, + When, spite of cruel Fortune's taunts, + _Blunt_ is the _sharpest_ of his wants." + +Yours sincerely and comically, + +SIBTHORP. + +P.S.--Let BRYANT call for his Christmas-box. + + * * * * * + + +THE COPPER CAPTAIN. + +At the public meeting at Hammersmith for the purpose of taking into +consideration the propriety of lighting the roads, in the midst of a most +animated discussion, Captain Atcherly proposed an adjournment of the said +meeting; which proposition being strongly negatived by a small individual, +Captain Atcherly quietly pointed to an open window, made a slight allusion +to the hardness of the pavement, and finally achieved the exit of the +dissentient by whistling + +[Illustration: MY FRIEND AND PITCHER.] + + * * * * * + + +"TAKE CARE OF HIM." + +"Take care of him!" That sentence has been my ruin; from my cradle upwards +it has dogged my steps and proved my bane! Fatal injunction! Little did my +parents think of the miseries those four small monosyllables have entailed +upon their hapless son! + +My first assertion of infantine existence, that innocent and feeble wail +that claimed the name of life, was met by the command, "Take care of him! +take care of him!" said my mother to the doctor; "Take care of him!" said +the doctor to the nurse; and "Take care of him!" added my delighted father +to every individual of the rejoicing household. + +The doctor's care manifested itself in an over-dose of castor oil; the +nurse, in the plenitude of her bounty, nearly parboiled me in an +over-heated bath; my mother drugged me with a villanous decoction of +soothing syrup, which brought on a slumber so sound that the first had +very nearly proved my last; and the entire household dandled me with such +uncommon vigour that I was literally tossed and "Catchee-catchee'd" into a +fit of most violent convulsions. As I persisted in surviving, so did I +become the heir to fresh torments from the ceaseless care of those by whom +I was surrounded. My future symmetry was superinduced by bandaging my +infant limbs until I looked like a miniature mummy. The summer's sun was +too hot and the winter's blast too cold; wet was death, and dry weather +was attended with easterly winds. I was "taken care of." I never breathed +the fresh air of Heaven, but lived in an artificial nursery atmosphere of +sea-coal and logs. + +Young limbs are soon broken, and young children will fall, if not taken +care of; consequently upon any instinctive attempt at a pedestrian +performance I was tied round the middle with a broad ribbon, my unhappy +little feet see-sawing in the air, and barely brushing the ruffled surface +of the Persian carpet, while I appeared like a tempting bait, with which +my nurse, after the manner of an experienced angler, was bobbing for some +of the strange monsters worked into the gorgeous pattern. + +Crooked legs were "taken care of" by a brace of symmetrical iron shackles, +and Brobdignag walnut-shells, decorated with flaming bows of crimson +ribbon, were attached to each side of my small face, to prevent me from +squinting. When old enough to mount a pony, I was "taken such care of," by +being secured to the saddle, that the restive little brute, feeling +inclined for a tumble, deliberately rolled over me some half-dozen times +before the astonished stable-boy could effect my deliverance! while the +corks with which I was provided to learn to swim in some three feet square +of water, slipped accidentally down to my toes, and left me submerged so +long that the total consumption of all the salt, and wetting in boiling +water of all the blankets, in the house was found absolutely necessary to +effect my resuscitation. + +At school I was once more to be "taken care of;" consequently I pined to +death in a wretched single-bedded room, shuddering with inconceivable +horror at the slightest sound, and conjuring up legions of imaginary +sprites to haunt my couch during my waking hours of dread and misery. O +how I envied the reckless laughter of the gleeful urchins whose unmindful +parents left them to the happy utterance of their own and participation in +their young companions' thoughts! + +As a parlour boarder, which I was of course, "to be taken care of," I was +not looked upon as one of the "fellows," but merely as a little +upstart--one who most likely was pumped by the master and mistress, and +peached upon the healthy rebels of the little world. + +Christmas brought me no joys. "Taking care of my health" prevented me from +skating and snow-balling; while perspective surfeits deprived me of the +enjoyments of the turkeys, beef, and glorious pudding. + +At eighteen I entered as a gentleman commoner at ---- College, Cambridge; +and at nineteen a suit of solemn black, and the possession of five +thousand a year, bespoke me heir to all my father left; and from that hour +have I had cause to curse the title of this paper. Young and +inexperienced, I entered wildly into all the follies wealth can purchase +or fashion justify; but I was still to be the victim of the phrase. "We'll +take care of him," said a knot of the most determined play-men upon town; +and they did. Two years saw my five thousand per annum reduced to one, but +left me with somewhat more knowledge of the world. Even that was turned +against me; and prudent fathers shook their heads, and sagely cautioned +their own young scapegraces "to take care of me." + +All was not yet complete. A walk down Bond Street was interrupted by a +sudden cry, "That's him--take care of him!" I turned by instinct, and was +arrested at the suit of a scoundrel whose fortune I had made, and who in +gratitude had thus pointed me out to the myrmidon of the Middlesex +sheriff. I was located in a lock-up house, and thence conveyed to jail. In +both instances the last words I heard in reference to myself were "Take +care of him." I sacrificed almost my all, and once more regained my +liberty. Fate seemed to turn! A friend lent me fifty pounds. I pledged my +honour for its repayment. He promised to use his interest for my future +welfare. I kept my word gratefully; returned the money on the day +appointed. I did so before one who knew me by report only, and looked upon +me as a ruined, dissipated, worthless Extravagant. I returned to an +adjoining room to wait my friend's coming. While there, I could not avoid +hearing the following colloquy-- + +"Good Heaven! has that fellow actually returned your fifty?" + +"Yes. Didn't you see him?" + +"Of course I did; but I can scarcely believe my eyes. Oh! he's a deep +one." + +"He's a most honourable young man." + +"How can you be so green? He has a motive in it." + +"What motive?" + +"I don't know that. But, old fellow, listen to me. I'm a man of the world, +and have seen something of life; and I'll stake my honour and experience +that that fellow means to do you; so be advised, and--'Take care of him!'" + +This was too much. I rushed out almost mad, and demanded an apology, or +satisfaction--the latter alternative was chosen. Oh, how my blood boiled! +I should either fall, or, at length, by thus chastising the impertinent, +put an end to the many meaning and hateful words. + +We met; the ground was measured. I thought for a moment of the sin of +shedding human blood, and compressed my lips. A moment I wavered; but the +voice of my opponent's second whispering, "Take care of him," once more +nerved my heart and arm. My adversary's bullet whistled past my ear: _he_ +fell--hit through the shoulder. He was carried to his carriage. I left the +ground, glad that I had chastised him, but released to find the wound was +not mortal. I felt as if in Heaven this act would free me from the worldly +ban. A week after, I met one of my old friends; he introduced me by name +to his father. The old gentleman started for a moment, then +exclaimed--"You know my feeling, Sir--you are a duellist! Tom, 'Take care +of him!'" + + * * * * * + + +PUNCHLIED. SONG FOR PUNCH DRINKERS. + +(VON SCHILLER.) (FROM SCHILLER.) + + Vier Elemente Four be the elements, + Innig gesellt, Here we assemble 'em, + Bilden das Leben Each of man's world + Bauen die Welt. And existence an emblem. + + Presst der Citrone Press from the lemon + Saftigen Stern! The slow flowing juices. + Herb ist des Lebens Bitter is life + Innerster Kern. In its lessons and uses. + + Jetzt mit des Zuckers Bruise the fair sugar lumps,-- + Linderndem Saft Nature intended + Zæhmet die herbe Her sweet and severe + Brennende Kraft! To be everywhere blended. + + Gieszet des Wassers Pour the still water-- + Sprudelnden Schwall! Unwarning by sound, + Wasser umfænget Eternity's ocean + Ruhig das All! Is hemming us round! + + Tropfen des Geistes Mingle the spirit, + Gieszet hinein! The life of the bowl; + Leben dem Leben Man is an earth-clod + Gibt er allein. Unwarmed by a soul! + + Eh' es verdueftet Drink of the stream + Schoepfet es schnell! Ere its potency goes! + Nur wann er gluehet No bath is refreshing + Labet der Quell. Except while it glows! + + * * * * * + + +THE SCHOOL OF DESIGN AT HOOKAM-CUM-SNIVERY. + +Wednesday last was the day fixed for the distribution of the prizes at +this institution, and every arrangement had been made to receive the +numerous visitors. The boards had undergone their annual scrubbing, and +some beautiful devices in chalk added life to the floor, which was +enriched with a scroll-work of whiting, while the arms of +Hookham-cum-Snivery (a nose, _rampant_, with a hand, _couchant_, extending +a thumb, _gules_, to the nostril, _argent_) formed an appropriate +centre-piece. + +Seven o'clock was fixed upon for the opening of the doors, at which hour +the committee went in procession, headed by their chairman, to withdraw +the bolts, that the public might be admitted, when a rush took place of +the most frightful and disastrous character. A drove of bullocks that were +being alternately enticed and marling-spiked into a butcher's exactly +opposite, took advantage of the courtesy of the committee, and poured in +with great rapidity to the building, carrying everything--including the +committee--most triumphantly before them. In spite of their unceremonious +entry, some of the animals evinced a disposition to stand upon forms, by +leaping on to the benches, while the committee, who had expected a +deputation of _savans_ from the Hampton-_super_-Horsepond Institution, for +the enlightenment of ignorant octagenarians, and who being prepared to see +a party of donkeys, were not inclined to take the bull by the horns, made +a precipitate retreat into the anteroom. + +Order having been at length restored, the intruders ejected, and their +places supplied by a select circle of subscribers, the following prizes +were distributed:-- + +To Horatio Smith Smith, the large copper medal, bearing on one side the +portrait of George the Third, on the reverse a figure of Britannia, +sitting on a beer barrel, and holding in her hand a toasting fork. This +medal was given for the best drawing of the cork of a ginger-beer bottle. + +To Ferdinand Fitz-Figgins, the smaller copper medal, with the head of +William the Fourth, and a reverse similar to that of the superior prize. +This was awarded for the best drawing of a decayed tooth after _Teniers_. + +To Sigismond Septimus Snobb, the large willow pattern plate, for the best +model of a national water-butt, to be erected in the Teetotalers' Hall of +Temperance in the _Water_-loo Road. + +To Lucius Junius Brutus Brown, the Marsh-gate turnpike ticket for +Christmas-day--of which an early copy has been most handsomely presented +by the contractor. This useful and interesting document has been given for +the best design--upon the river Thames, with the view to igniting it. + +The proceedings having been terminated, so far as the distribution was +concerned, the following speeches were delivered:-- + +The first orator was Mr. Julius Jones, who spoke nearly as follows:-- + +Mither Prethident and thubtheriberth of the Hookam-cum-Sthnivey Sthchool +of Dethign, in rithing to addreth thuch an afthembly ath thith-- + +Here the confusion became so general that our reporter could catch nothing +further, and as the partisans of Mr. Jones became very much excited, while +the opposition was equally violent, our reporter fearing that, though he +could not catch the speeches, he might possibly catch something else, +effected his retreat as speedily as possible. + + * * * * * + + +QUEER QUERIES. + +NOT THE BEST IN THE WORLD. + +Why is a man with his eyes shut like an illiterate schoolmaster?--Because +he keeps his pupils in darkness. + +BETTER NEXT TIME. + +Why is the present Lord Chancellor wickeder than the last?--Because he's +got two more Vices. + +FORGIVE US THIS ONCE. + +Why are abbots the greatest dunces in the world?--Because they never get +further than their _Abbacy_ (A, B, C.) + +WE'LL NEVER DO SO ANY MORE. + +Why is an auctioneer like a man with an ugly countenance?--Because he is +always for-_bidding_. + +WE REALLY COULD NOT HELP IT. + +Why is Mrs. Lilly showing the young Princes like an affected +ladies'-maid?--Because she exhibits her mistress's heirs (airs). + + * * * * * + + +IMPORTANT INTELLIGENCE. + +A dispatch, bearing a foreign post-mark, was handed very generally about +in the city this morning, but its contents did not transpire. Considerable +speculation is afloat on the subject, but we are unable to give any +particulars. + +Downing-street was in a state of great activity all yesterday, and people +were passing to and fro repeatedly. This excitement is generally believed +to be connected with nothing particular. We have our own impression on the +subject, but as disclosures would be premature, we purposely forbear +making any. We can only say, at present, that Sir Robert Peel continues to +hold the office of Prime Minister. + + * * * * * + + +THE BROTH OF A BOY. + +AN IRISH LYRIC. + +AIR,--_I'm the boy for bewitching them_ + + + Whisht, ye divils, now can't you be aisy, + Like a cat whin she's licking the crame. + And I'll sing ye a song just to plase you, + About myself, Dermot Macshane. + You'll own, whin I've tould ye my story. + And the janius adorning my race, + Although I've no brass in my pocket, + Mushagra! I've got lots in my face. + For in rainy or sunshiny weather, + I'm full of good whiskey and joy; + And take me in parts altogether, + By the pow'rs I'm a broth of a boy. + + I was sint on the mighty world one day, + Like a squeaking pig out of a sack; + And, och, murder! although it was Sunday, + Without a clane shirt to my back. + But my mother died while I was sucking, + And larning for whiskey to squall, + Leaving me a dead cow, and a stocking + Brimful of--just nothing at all. + But in rainy, &c. + + My ancistors, who were all famous + At Donnybrook, got a great name: + My aunt she sould famous good whiskey-- + I'm famous for drinking that same. + And I'm famous, like Master Adonis, + With his head full of nothing but curls, + For breaking the heads of the boys, sirs, + And breaking the hearts of the girls. + For in rainy, &c. + + Och! I trace my discint up to Adam, + Who was once parish priest in Kildare; + And uncle, I think, to King David, + That peopled the county of Clare. + Sure his heart was as light as a feather, + Till his wife threw small beer on his joy + By falling in love with a pippin, + Which intirely murder'd the boy. + For in rainy, &c. + + A fine architict was my father, + As ever walk'd over the sea; + He built Teddy Murphy's mud cabin-- + And didn't he likewise build me? + Sure, he built him an illigant pigstye, + That made all the Munster boys stare. + Besides a great many fine castles-- + But, bad luck,--they were all in the air. + For in rainy, &c. + + Though I'd scorn to be rude to a lady, + Miss Fortune and I can't agree; + So I flew without wings from green Erin-- + Is there anything green about me? + While blest with this stock of fine spirits, + At care, faith, my fingers I'll snap; + I'm as rich as a Jew without money, + And free as a mouse in a trap. + For in rainy, &c. + + * * * * * + + +THE "WEIGHT" OF ROYALTY.--THE SOCIAL "SCALE." + +The Prince of Wales it is allowed upon all hands is the finest baby ever +sent into this naughty world since the firstborn of Eve. At a day old he +would make three of any of the new-born babes that a month since blessed +the Union bf Sevenoaks. There is, however, a remarkable providence in +this. The Prince of Wales is born to the vastness of a palace; the little +Princes of Pauperdom being doomed to lie at the rate of fifteen in "two +beds tied together," are happily formed of corresponding dimensions, +manufactured of more "squeezeable materials." There is, be sure of it, a +providence watching over parish unions as well as palaces. How, for +instance, would boards of guardians pack their new-born charges, if every +babe of a union had the brawn and bone of a Prince of Wales? + +However, we could wish that the little Prince was thrice his size--an +aspiration in which our readers will heartily join, when they learn the +goodly tidings we are about to tell them. + +We believe it is not generally known that Sir PETER LAURIE is as profound +an orientalist as perhaps any Rabbi dwelling in Whitechapel. Sir PETER, +whilst recently searching the Mansion House library,--which has been +greatly enriched by eastern manuscripts, the presents of the late Sir +WILLIAM CURTIS, Sir CLAUDIUS HUNTER, and the venerable Turk who is Wont to +sell rhubarb in Cheapside, and supplied dinner-pills to the Court of +Aldermen,--Sir PETER, be it understood, lighted upon a rare work on the +Mogul Country, in which it is stated that on every birth-day of the Great +Mogul, his Magnificence is duly weighed in scales against so much gold and +silver--his precise weight in the precious metals being expended on +provisions for the poor. + +Was there ever a happier device to make a nation interested in the +greatness of their sovereign? The fatter the king, the fuller his people! +With this custom naturalised among us, what a blessing would have been the +corpulency of GEORGE THE FOURTH! How the royal haunches, the royal +abdomen, would have had the loyal aspirations of the poor and hungry! The +national anthem would have had an additional verse in thanksgiving for +royal flesh; and in our orisons said in churches, we should not only have +prayed for the increasing years of our "most religious King," but for his +increasing fat! + +It is however useless to regret forgotten advantages; let us, on the +contrary, with new alacrity, avail ourselves of a present good. + +Our illumination on the christening of the Prince of Wales--we at once, +and in the most liberal manner, give the child his title--has been +generally scouted, save and except by a few public-spirited oil and +tallow-merchants. It has been thought better to give away legs of mutton +on the occasion, than to waste any of the sheep in candles. This +proposition--it is known--has our heartiest concurrence. Here, however, +comes in the wisdom of our dear Sir Peter. He, taking the hint from the +Mogul Country, proposes that the Prince of Wales should be weighed in +scales--weighed, naked as he was born, without the purple velvet and +ermine robe in which his Highness is ordinarily shown in, not that Sir +PETER would sink _that_ "as offal"--against his royal weight in beef and +pudding; the said beef and pudding to be distributed to every poor family +(if the family count a certain number of mouths, his Royal Highness to be +weighed twice or thrice, as it may be) to celebrate the day on which his +Royal Highness shall enter the pale of the Christian Church. + +We have all heard what a remarkably fine child his Royal Babyhood is; but +would not this distribution of beef and pudding convince the country of +the fact? How folks would rejoice at the chubbiness of the Prince, when +they saw a evidence of his bare dimensions smoking on their table! How +their hearts would leap up at his fat, when they beheld it typified upon +their platters! How they would be gladdened by prize royalty, while their +mouths watered at prize beef! And how, with all their admiration of the +exceeding lustihood of the Prince of Wales,--how, from the very depths of +their stomachs, would they wish His Royal Highness twice as big! + +Is not this a way to disarm Chartism of its sword and pike, making even +O'CONNOR, VINCENT, and PINKETHLIE, throw away their weapons for a knife +and fork? Is not this the way to make the weight of royalty easy--oh, most +easy!--to a burthened people? The beef-and-pudding representatives of His +Royal Highness, preaching upon every poor man's table, would carry the +consolations of loyalty to every poor man's stomach. When the children of +the needy lisped "plum pudding," would they not think of the Prince? + +(Now, then, our readers know the obligation of the country to Sir PETER +LAURIE--an obligation which we are happy to state will be duly +acknowledged by the Common Council, that grateful body having already +petitioned the Government for the waste leaden pipes preserved from the +fire at the Tower, that a statue of Sir Peter may be cast from the metal, +and placed in some convenient nook of the Mansion-House, where the Lord +Mayor for the time being may, it is hoped, behold it at least once a-day.) + +This happy suggestion of Sir PETER'S may, however, be followed up with the +best national effect. Christmas is fast Approaching: let the fashion set +by the Prince of Wales be followed by all public bodies--by all +individuals "blessed with aught to give." Let the physical weight of all +corporations--all private benefactors of the poor, be distributed in +eatables to the indigent and famishing. When the Alderman, with "three +fingers on the ribs" gives his weight in geese or turkeys to the poor of +his ward, he returns the most pertinent thanks-giving to providence, that +has put money in his pocket and flesh upon his bones. The poor may have an +unexpected cause to bless the venison and turtle that have fattened his +bowels, seeing that they are made the depositories of their weight. + +This standard of Christmas benefactions may admit of very curious +illustration. For instance, we would not tie the noble and the +aristocratic to any particular kind of viands, but would allow them to +illustrate their self-value of the "porcelain of all human clay" by the +richness and rarity of their subscriptions. Whilst a SIBTHORP, with a fine +sense of humility, might be permitted to give his weight in calves' or +sheeps' heads (be it understood we must have the _whole_ weight of the +Colonel, for if we were to sink _his_ offal, what in the name of veal +would remain?), a Duke of WELLINGTON should be allowed to weight against +nothing less than the fattest venison and the finest turtle. As the Duke, +too, is _rather_ a light weight, we should be glad if he would condescend +to take a Paisley weaver or two in the scale with him, to make his +subscription of eatables the more worthy of acceptance. All the members of +the present Cabinet would of course be weighed against loaves and fishes +(on the present occasion we would accept nothing under the very finest +wheaten bread and the very best of turbot), whilst a LAURIE, who has +worked such a reform in cut-throats, should be weighed out to his ward in +the most select stickings of beef. + +All we propose to ourselves in these our weekly essays is, to give brief +suggestions for the better government of the world, and for the bringing +about the millennium, which--when we are given away _gratis_ in the +streets--may be considered to have arrived. Hence, we cannot follow put +through all its natural ramifications the benevolent proposition here laid +down. We trust, however, we have done enough. It is not necessary that we +should particularise all public men, tying them to be weighed against +specific viands: no, our readers will at once recognise the existence of +the parties, and at once acknowledge their fittest offerings. It may +happen that a peer might very properly be weighed against shin of beef, +and a Christian bishop be popped in the scale against a sack of +perriwinkles; it remains, however, with LONDONDERRY or EXETER to be +weighed if they will against golden pheasants and birds of paradise. + +We are perfectly aware that if many of the elect of the land were to weigh +themselves against merely the things they are worth, that a great deal of +the food subscribed would be unfit to be eaten even by the poor. We should +have rats, dogs, snakes, bats, and all other unclean animals; but in +levying the parties to weigh themselves at their own valuation, the poor +may be certain to "sup in the Apollo." On this principle we should have +the weight of a LYNDHURST served to this neighbourhood in the tenderest +house-lamb, and a STANLEY kicking the beam against so many "sucking +doves." + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH. + +Coats are very much worn, particularly at the elbows, and are trimmed +with a shining substance, which gives them a very glossy appearance. A rim +of white runs down the seams, and the covering of the buttons is slightly +opened, so as to show the wooden material under it. + +Hats are now slightly indented at the top, and we have seen several in +which part of the brim is sloped off without any particular regard to the +quantity abstracted. + +Walking-dresses are very much dotted just now with brown spots of a mud +colour, thrown on quite irregularly, and the heels of the stockings may +sometimes be seen trimmed with the same material. A sort of basket-work is +now a great deal seen as a head-dress, and in these cases it is strewed +over with little silver fish, something like common sprat, which gives it +a light and graceful character. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XXIII. + +[Illustration: THE POLITICIAN PUZZLED; + +OR, + +PEEL ON THE RE-PEAL OF THE CORN-LAWS.] + + * * * * * + + +THE CHEROOT. + +An excellent thing it is, when you get it genuine--none of your coarse +Whitechapel abominations, but a veritable satin-skinned, brown Indian +beauty; smooth and firm to the touch, and full-flavoured to the taste; +such a one as would be worth a Jewess' eye, with a glass of tawny Port. +But the gratification that we have been wont to derive from our real +Manilla has been sadly disturbed of late by a circumstance which has +caused a dreadful schism in the smoking world, and has agitated every +divan in the metropolis to its very centre. The question is, "Whether +should a cheroot be smoked by the great or the small end?" On this +apparently trivial subject the great body of cheroot smokers have taken +different sides, and divided themselves, as the Lilliputians did in the +famous egg controversy, into the _Big-endians_ and _Little-endians_. The +dispute has been carried on with great vigour on both sides, and several +ingenious volumes have been already written, proving satisfactorily the +superiority of each system, without however convincing a single individual +of the opposite party. The Tories, we have observed, have as usual seized +on the _big end_ of the argument, while the Whigs have grappled as +resolutely by the _little end_, and are puffing away furiously in each +other's eyes. Heaven knows where the contest will end! For ourselves, we +are content to watch the struggle from our quiet corner, convinced, +whichever end gains the victory, that John Bull will be made to smoke for +it; and when curious people ask us if we be _big-endians_ or +_little-endians_, we answer, that, to oblige all our friends, we smoke our +Manillas at _both ends_. + + * * * * * + + +BALLADS OF THE BRIEFLESS. + +No. 1.--THE RULE TO COMPUTE. + + Oh, tell me not of empires grand, + Of proud dominion wide and far, + Of those who sway the fertile land + Where melons three for twopence are. + To rule like this I ne'er aspire, + In fact my book it would not suit! + The only _rule_ that I desire, + Is _a rule nisi to compute_. + + Oh speak not of the calm delights, + That in the fields or lanes we win; + The field and lane that me invites + Is Chancery or Lincoln's Inn. + Yes, there in some remote recess, + At eve, I practise on my flute, + Till some attorney comes to bless + With _a rule nisi to compute_. + + +No. 2.--SIGNING A PLEA. + + Oh, how oft when alone at the close of the day + I've sat in that Court where the fig-tree don't grow + And wonder'd how I, without money, should pay + The little account to my laundress below! + And when I have heard a quick step on the stair, + I've thought which of twenty rich duns it could be, + I have rush'd to the door in a fit of despair, + And--_received ten and sixpence for signing a plea_. + +CHORUS.--Signing a plea, signing a plea! + Received ten and sixpence for signing a plea. + + They may talk as they will of the pleasure that's found. + When venting in verse our despondence and grief; + But the pen of the poet was ne'er, I'll be bound, + Half so pleasantly used as in signing a brief. + In soft declarations, though rapture may lie, + If the maid to appear to your suit willing be, + But ah I could write till my inkstand was dry, + And die in the act--yes--of signing a plea. + +CHORUS.--Signing a plea, signing a plea! + Die in the act--yes--of signing a plea. + + * * * * * + + +A CUT BY SIR PETER. + +[Illustration] + +WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY ANACREON, PETRONIUS, CERVANTES, HUDIBRAS, AND +"PUNCH." + +A CASE IN POINT, FROM ANACREON. + +[Greek: EIS HEAUTON.] + + [Greek: + Degousin ai gunaikes + Anakreon geron ei + Labon esoptron athrei + Komas men ouket ousas + Psilon de seu metopon.] + +A FREE TRANSLATION BY "PUNCH"-- + +THE CUTTEE. + + Oft by the women I am told + "Tomkins, my boy, you're growing o!d. + Look in the glass, and see how bare + Your poll appears reflected there. + No ringlets play around your brow; + 'Tis all Sir Peter Laurie-ish[1] now." + + [1] This is a graceful as well as a literal rendering of the bard + of Teos. The word [Greek: Psilon] signifying _nudus_, + _inanis_, _'envis_, _fatuus_; Anglice,--_Sir Peter Laurie-ish_ + ED. OF "PUNCH."] + +A TRIBUTE BY PETRONIUS. + + Quod summum formæ decus est, cecidere capilli, + Vernantesque comas tristis abegit hyems + Nunc umbra nudata sua jam tempora moerent, + Areaque attritis nidet adusta pilis. + O fallax natura Deum! quæ prima dedisti + Ætati nostræ gaudia, prima rapis. + Infelix modo crinibus nitebas, + Phoebo pulchrior, et sorore Phoebi: + At nunc lævior aëre, vel rotundo + Horti tubere, quod creavit unda, + Ridentes fugis et times puellas. + Ut mortem citius venire credas, + Scito jam capitis perisse partem. + +A FREE TRANSLATION BY "PUNCH." + + Tomkins, you're dish'd! thy light luxuriant hair, + Like "a distress," hath left thy caput bare; + Thy temples mourn th' umbrageous locks, and yield + A crop as stunted as a stubble field. + Rowland and Ross! your greasy gifts are vain, + You give the hair you're sure to cut again. + Unhappy Tomkins! late thy ringlets rare, + E'en Wombwell's self to rival might despair. + Now with thy smooth crown, nor the fledgling's chops, + Nor East-born Mechi's magic razor strops, + Can vie! And laughing maids you fly in dread, + Lest they should see the horrors of your head! + Laurie, like death, hath clouded o'er your morn. + Tomkins, you're dish'd! Your _Jeune France_ locks are shorn. + +A SCRAP FROM CERVANTES. + +"Deliver me from the devil," cried the Squire, "is it possible that a +magistrate, or what d'ye call him, green as a fig, should appear no better +than an ass in your worship's eyes? By the Lord, I'll give you leave to +pluck off _every hair_ of my beard if that be the case." + +"Then I tell thee," said the master, "he is as certainly a _he_ ass as I +am Don Quixote and thou Sancho Panza, at least so he seems to me."--_Don +Quixote_. + +A COINCIDENCE FROM BUTLER. + + Shall _hair_ that on a crown has place + Become the subject of a case? + + The fundamental law of nature + Be over-ruled by those made after? + * * * * * + 'Tis we that can dispose alone + Whether your heirs (_hairs_) shall be your own. + +_Hudibras._ + + +A CLIMAX BY "PUNCH." + +Sir Peter Laurie passes so quickly from hyper-loyalty to downright +treason, that he is an insolvable problem. As wigs were once worn out of +compliment to a monarch, so when the Queen expects a _little heir_, Sir +Peter causes a gentleman, over whom he has an accidental influence, to +have a _little hair_ too. But oh the hypocrite! the traitor! he at the +same time gives a shilling to have the _ha(e)ir_ cut off from the _crown_. +It is quite time to look to the + +[Illustration: HEIR PRESUMPTIVE.] + + * * * * * + + +ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. + +PUNCH begs to state that, owing to the immense press of matter on hand, +the following contributions only can expect insertion in the body of PUNCH +during the whole of next week. Contributors are requested to send +early--carriage paid. + +N.B.--PUNCH does not pledge himself for the return of any article. + +TURKEYS--for which PUNCH undertakes to find _cuts_, and +_plates_--unlimited. + +SAUSAGES, to match the above. Mem.--no undue preference, or Bill Monopoly. +Epping and Norfolk equally welcome. + +MINCE PIES, per dozen--thirteen as twelve. No returns. + +"OH, THE ROAST BEEF OF OLD ENGLAND," with additional verses, capable of +various encores. + +PUDDINGS received from ten till four. PUNCH makes his own sauce; the chief +ingredient is brandy, which he is open to receive per bottle or dozen. + +LARGE HAMPERS containing small turkeys, &c., may be pleasantly filled with +lemons, candied citron, and lump sugar. + + +TO THE LADIES EXCLUSIVELY. + +(Private and confidential, quite unknown to Judy.) + +BRYANT has had orders to suspend a superb Mistletoe bough in the +publishing-office. PUNCH will be in attendance from daylight till dusk. To +prevent confusion, the salutes will he distributed according to the order +of arrival. + + * * * * * + +TO PUNSTERS AND OTHERS. + +PUNCH begs to state he is open to receive tenders for letter-press matter, +to be illustrated by the + +[Illustration: FOLLOWING CUT.] + +N.B. They must be sent in sealed, and will be submitted to a select +committee, consisting of Peter Laurie, and Borthwick, and Deaf Burke. + +N.B. No Cutting-his-Stick need apply. + + * * * * * + + +PEN AND PALETTE PORTRAITS. + +(TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.) + +BY ALPHONSE LECOURT. + +(_Continued._) + + +PORTRAIT OF THE LOVER. + +CHAPTER II. + +IN WHICH THE AUTHOR TREATS OF LOVERS IN GENERAL. + +[Illustration: A]All lovers are absurd and ridiculous. The passion which +spiritualises woman makes man a fool. Nothing can be more amusing than to +observe a bashful lover in company where the object of his affections is +present. He is the very picture of confusion and distress, looking like a +man who has lost something, and knows not where to seek for it. His eyes +wander from the carpet to the ceiling; at one moment he is engaged in +counting the panes in the window, and the next in watching the discursive +flights of a blue-bottle round the apartment. But while he appears +anxiously seeking for some object on which to fix his attention, he +carefully avoids looking towards his _innamorata_; and should their eyes +meet by chance, his cheeks assume the tint of the beet-root or the turnip, +and his manifest embarrassment betrays his secret to the most +inexperienced persons. In order to recover his confidence, he shifts his +seat, which seems suddenly to have shot forth as many pins as the back of +a hedgehog; but in doing so he places the leg of his chair on the toe of a +gouty, cross old uncle, or on the tail of a favourite lap-dog, and, +besides creating an awful _fracas_, succeeds in making inveterate enemies +of the two brutes for the remainder of their lives. + +There are some lovers, who show their love by their affected indifference, +and appear smitten by any woman except the one whom they are devoted to. +This is an ingenious stratagem; but in general it is so badly managed, +that it is more easily seen through than a cobweb. Lastly, there are a +select few, who evince their tender regard by perpetual bickerings and +quarrels. This method will frequently mislead inquisitive aunts and +guardians; but it should only be attempted by a man who has full +confidence in his own powers. + +Lovers, as I have observed, are invariably objects of ridicule; timid, +jealous, and nervous, a frown throws them into a state of agony it would +be difficult to describe, and a smile bestowed upon a rival breaks their +rest for a week. Only observe one of them engaged in a quiet, interesting +_tête-à-tête_ with the lady of his choice. He has exerted all his powers +of fascination, and he fancies he is beginning to make a favourable +impression on his companion, when--bang!--a tall, whiskered fellow, who, +rumour has whispered, is the lady's intended, drops in upon them like a +bomb-shell! The detected lover sits confounded and abashed, wishing in the +depths of his soul that he could transform himself into a gnat, and make +his exit through the keyhole. Meantime the new-comer seats himself in +solemn silence, and for five minutes the conversation is only kept up by +monosyllables, in spite of the incredible efforts of all parties to appear +unconcerned. The young man in his confusion plunges deeper into the +mire;--he twists and writhes in secret agony--remarks on the sultriness of +the weather, though the thermometer is below the freezing point; and +commits a thousand _gaucheries_--too happy if he can escape from a +situation than which nothing can possibly be conceived more painful. + + +THE LOVER AT DIFFERENT AGES. + +It would not be easy to determine at what age love first manifests itself +in the human heart; but if the reader have a good memory (I now speak to +my own sex), he may remember when its tender light dawned upon his +soul,--he may recall the moment when the harmonious voice of woman first +tingled in his ears, and filled his bosom with unknown rapture,--he may +recollect how he used to forsake trap-ball and peg-top to follow the idol +he had created in her walks,--how he hoarded up the ripest oranges and +gathered the choicest flowers to present to her, and felt more than +recompensed by a word of thanks kindly spoken. Oh, youth--youth! pure and +happy age, when a smile, a look, a touch of the hand, makes all sunshine +and happiness in thy breast. + +But the season of boyhood passes--the youth of sixteen becomes a young man +of twenty, and smiles at the innocent emotions of his uneducated heart. He +is no longer the mute adorer who worshipped in secrecy and in silence. +Each season produces its own flowers. At twenty, the time for mute +sympathy has passed away: it is one of the most eventful periods in the +life of a lover; for should he then chance to meet a heart free to respond +to his ardent passion, and that no cruel father, relentless guardian, or +richer lover interposes to overthrow his hopes, he may with the aid of a +licence, a parson, and a plain gold ring, be suddenly launched into the +calm felicity of married life. + +I know not what mysterious chain unites the heart of a young lover to that +of the woman whom he loves. In the simplicity of their hearts they often +imagine it is but friendship that draws them towards each other, until +some unexpected circumstance removes the veil from their eyes, and they +discover the dangerous precipice upon whose brink they have been walking. +A journey, absence, or sickness, inevitably produce a discovery. If a +temporary separation be about to occur, the unconscious lovers feel, they +scarce know wherefore, a deep shade of sadness steal over them; their +adieux are mingled with a thousand protestations of regret, which sink +into the heart and bear a rich harvest by the time they meet again. Days +and months glide by, and the pains of separation still endure; for they +feel how necessary they have become to the happiness of each other, and +how cold and joyless existence seems when far from those we love. + +That which may be anticipated, at length comes to pass; the lover +returns--he flies to his mistress--she receives him with blushing cheek +and palpitating heart. I shall not attempt to describe the scene, but +throughout the day and night that succeeds that interview the lover seems +like one distracted. In the city, in the fields--alone, or in company--he +hears nothing but the magic words, "I LOVE YOU!" ringing in his ears, and +feels that ecstatic delight which it is permitted mortals to taste but +once in their lives. + +But what are the sensations which enter the heart of a young and innocent +girl when she first confesses the passion that fills her heart? A tender +sadness pervades her being--her soul, touched by the hand of Love, +delivers itself to the influence of all the nobler emotions of her nature; +and borne heavenward on the organ's solemn peal, pours forth its rich +treasures in silent and grateful adoration. + +[Illustration] + +At thirty, a man takes a more decided--I wish I could add a more +amiable--character than at twenty. At twenty he loves sincerely and +devotedly; he respects the woman who has inspired him with the noblest +sentiment of which his soul is capable. At thirty his heart, hardened by +deceit and ill-requited affection, and pre-occupied by projects of worldly +ambition, regards love only as an agreeable pastime, and woman's heart as +a toy, which he may fling aside the moment it ceases to amuse him. At +twenty he is ready to abandon everything for her whom he idolises--rank, +wealth, the future!--they weigh as nothing in the balance against the +fancied strength and constancy of his passion. At thirty he coldly +immolates the repose and happiness of the woman who loves him to the +slightest necessity. I must admit, however--in justice to our +sex--provided his love does not interfere with his interest, nor his +freedom, nor his club, nor his dogs and horses, nor his _petites liaisons +des coulisses_, nor his hour of dinner--the lover is always willing to +make the greatest sacrifices for her whom he has honoured with his +regards. The man of thirty is, moreover, a man of many loves; he carries +on half-a-dozen affairs of the heart at the same time--he has his +writing-desk filled with _billets-doux_, folded into a thousand fanciful +shapes, and smelling villanously of violets, roses, bergamot, and other +sentimental odours. He has a pocket-book full of little locks of hair, of +all colours, from the light golden to the raven black. In short, the man +of thirty is the most dangerous of lovers. Let my fair readers watch his +approaches with distrust, and place at every avenue of their innocent +hearts + +[Illustration: A WATCHFUL SENTINEL.] + +[Illustration: Alph. Lecourt] + + * * * * * + + +A DEER BARGAIN. + +In consequence of an advertisement in the _Sporting Magazine_ for SEVERAL +OLD BUCKS, some daring villains actually secured the following venerable +gentlemen:--Sir Francis Burdett, Lord Palmerston, Sir Lumley Skeffington, +Jack Reynolds, and Mr. Widdicombe. The venison dealer, however, declined +to purchase such very old stock, and the aged captives upon being set at +liberty heartily congratulated each other on their + +[Illustration: NARROW ESCAPE.] + + * * * * * + + +OUT OF SCHOOL. + +An attenuated disciple of the ill-paid art which has been described as one +embracing the "delightful task which teaches the young idea how to shoot," +in a fit of despair, being but little skilled in the above sporting +accomplishment, endeavoured to cheat nature of its right of killing by +trying the efficacy of a small hanging match, in which he suicidically +"doubled" the character of criminal and Jack Ketch. Upon being asked by +the redoubtable Civic Peter what he meant by such conduct, he attempted to +urge the propriety of the proceeding according to the scholastic rules of +the ancients. "It may," replied Sir Peter, "be very well for those chaps +to hang themselves, as they are out of my jurisdiction; but I'll let you +see you are wrong, as + +[Illustration: A GRAMMARIAN DECLINING TO BE.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S LITERARY INTELLIGENCE. + +We understand that the Author of "Jack Sheppard," &c., is about to publish +a new Romance, in three volumes, post octavo, to be called "James +Greenacre; or, the Hero of Paddington." + +We are requested by Mr. Catnach, of Seven Dials, to state that he has a +few remaining copies of "All round my Hat" on sale. Early application must +be made, to prevent disappointment. Mr. C. has also to inform the public +that an entirely new collection of the most popular songs is now in the +press, and will shortly be published, price One Halfpenny. + +Mr. Grant, the author of "Random Recollections," is, it is said, engaged +in writing a new work, entitled "Quacks as they are," and containing +copious extracts from all his former publications, with a portrait of +himself. + +"An Essay on False Wigs," written by Lord John Russell, and dedicated to +Mr. Wakley, M.P., may shortly be expected. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +THE UNITED SERVICE. + +The man who wishes to study an epitome of human character--who wants to +behold choice samples of "all sorts and conditions of men"--to read out of +a small, a duodecimo edition of the great book of life--must take a +season's lodgings at a Cheltenham, a Harrowgate, or a Brighton +boarding-house. There he will find representatives of all kinds of +eccentricities,--members of every possible lodge of "odd fellows" that +Folly has admitted of her crew--mixed up with everyday sort of people, +sharpers, schemers, adventurers, fortune-hunters, male and female--widows, +wags, and Irishmen. Hence, as the "proper study of mankind is man," a +boarding-house is the place to take lessons;--even on the score of +economy, as it is possible to live decently at one of these refuges for +the destitute for three guineas a-week, exclusive, however, of wine, +servants, flirtation, and other extras. + +A result of this branch of study, and an example of such a mode of +studying it, is the farce with the above title, which has been brought out +at Covent Garden. _Mrs. Walker_ (Mrs. Orger) keeps a boarding-house, which +also keeps her; for it is well frequented: so well that we find her making +a choice of inmates by choosing to turn out _Mr. Woodpecker_ (Mr. Walter +Lacy)--a mere "sleeping-apartment" boarder--to make room for _Mrs. Coo_ +(Mrs. Glover), a widow, whose demands entitle her to the dignity of a +"private sitting and bedroom" lodger. _Mr. Woodpecker_ is very +comfortable, and does not want to go; but the hostess is obstinate: he +appeals to her feelings as an orphan, without home or domesticity; but the +lady, having been in business for a dozen years, has lost all sympathy for +orphans of six-and-twenty. In short, _Mrs. Walker_ determines he shall +walk, and so shall his luggage (a plethoric trunk and an obese carpet-bag +are on the stage); for she has dreamt even that has legs--such dreams +being, we suppose, very frequent to persons of her name. + +You are not quite satisfied that the mere preference for a better inmate +furnishes the only reasons why the lady wants _Mr. Woodpecker's room_ +rather than his company. Perhaps he is in arrear; but no, he pays his +bill: so it is not on _that_ score that he is so ruthlessly sent away. You +are, however, not kept long on the tiptoe of conjecture, but soon learn +that _Mrs. W._ has a niece, and you already know that the banished is +young, good-looking, and gay. Indeed, _Mrs. Walker_ having perambulated, +_Miss Fanny Merrivale_ (Miss Lee) appears, and listens very composedly to +the plan of an elopement from _Woodpecker_, but speedily makes her _exit_ +to avoid suspicion, and the enemy who has dislodged her lover; before whom +the latter also retreats, together with his bag and baggage. + +There are no classes so well represented at boarding-houses as those who +sigh for fame, and those that are dying to be married. Accordingly, we +find in _Mrs. Walker's_ establishment _Captain Whistleborough_ (Mr. W. +Farren), who is doing the extreme possible to get into Parliament, and +_Captain Pacific, R.N._, (Mr. Bartley,) who is crowding all sail to the +port of matrimony. Well knowing how boarding-houses teem with such +persons, two men who come under the "scheming" category are also inmates. +One of these, _Mr. Enfield Bam_ (Mr. Harley), is a sort of parliamentary +agent, who goes about to dig up aspirants that are buried in obscurity, +and to introduce them to boroughs, by which means he makes a very good +living. His present victim is, of course, _Captain Whistleborough_, upon +whom he is not slow in commencing operations. + +_Captain Whistleborough_ has almost every requisite for an orator. He is +an army officer; so his manners are good and his self-possession complete. +His voice is commanding, for it has been long his duty to give the word of +command. Above all, he has a mania to become a member. Yet, alas! one +trifling deficiency ruins his prospects; he has an impediment in his +speech, which debars him from the use of the _W's_. Like the French +alphabet, that letter is denied to him. When he comes to a syllable it +begins, he is _spell_-bound; though he longs to go on, he pulls up quite +short, and sticks fast. The first _W_ he meets with in the flowery paths +of rhetoric causes him to be as dumb as an oyster, or as O. Smith in +"Frankenstein." In vain does he try the Demosthenes' plan by sucking +pebbles on the Brighton shore and haranguing the _w_aves, though he is +unable to address them by name. All is useless, and he has resigned +himself to despair and a Brighton boarding-house, when _Mr. Enfield Bam_ +gives him fresh hopes. He informs him that the proprietress of a pocket +borough resides under the same roof, and that he will (for the usual +consideration) get the Captain such an introduction to her as shall ensure +him a seat in her good graces, and another in St. Stephen's. _Mr. Bam_, +therefore, goes off to negotiate with _Miss Polecon_ (Mrs. Tayleure), and +makes way for the intrigues of another sort of an agent, who lives in the +house. + +This is _Rivet_ (Mr. C. Mathews), a gentleman who undertakes to procure +for an employer anything upon earth he may want, at so much per cent. +commission. There is nothing that this very general agent cannot get hold +of, from a hack to a husband--from a boat to a baronetcy--from a +tortoise-shell tom-cat to a rich wife. Matrimonial agency is, however, his +passion, and he has plenty of indulgence for it in a Brighton +boarding-house. _Captain Pacific_ wants a wife, _Mrs. Coo_ is a widow, and +all widows want husbands. Thus _Rivet_ makes sure of a swingeing +commission from both parties; for, in imagination, and in his own +memorandum-book, he has already married them. + +Here are the ingredients of the farce; and in the course of it they are +compounded in such wise as to make _Woodpecker_ jealous, merely because he +happens to find _Fanny_ in the dark, and in _Whistleborough's_ arms; to +cause the latter to negotiate with _Mrs. Coo_ for a seat in Parliament, +instead of a wedding-ring; and _Pacific_ to talk of the probable prospects +of the nuptial state to _Miss Polecon_, who is an inveterate spinster and +a political economist, professing the Malthusian creed. _Rivet_ finding +_Fanny_ and her friend are taking business out of his hands by planning an +elopement _en amateur_, gets himself "regularly called in," and manages to +save _Woodpecker_ all the trouble, by contriving that _Whistleborough_ +shall run away with the young lady by mistake, so that _Woodpecker_ might +marry her, and no mistake. _Bam_ bams _Whistleborough_, who ends the piece +by threatening his deceiver with an action for breach of promise of +borough, all the other breaches having been duly made up; together with +the match between _Mrs. Coo_ and _Pacific_. + +If our readers want to be told what we think of this farce, they will be +disappointed; if they wish to know whether it is good or bad, witty or +dull, lively or stupid--whether it ought to have been damned outright, or +to supersede the Christmas pantomime--whether the actors played well or +played the deuce--whether the scenery is splendid and the appointments +appropriate or otherwise, they must judge for themselves by going to see +it; because if we gave them our opinion they would not believe us, seeing +that the author is one of our most esteemed (especially over a boiled +chicken and sherry), most merry, most jolly, most clever colleagues; one, +in fine, of PUNCH'S "United Service." + + * * * * * + + +"I have been running ever since I was born and am not tired now"--as the +brook said to Captain Barclay. + +"Hookey"--as the carp said, when he saw a worm at the end of a line. + +"_Nothing is_ certain"--as the fisherman said, when he always found it in +his nets. + +"Brief let it be"--as the barrister said in his conference with the +attorney. + +"He is the greatest liar on (H) earth"--as the cockney said of the +lapdog he often saw lying before the fire. + +When is a hen most likely to hatch? When she is in earnest (her nest). + +Why are cowardly soldiers like butter? When exposed to a _fire_ they +_run_. + +Do you sing?--says the teapot to the kettle--Yes, I can manage to get over +a few _bars_.--Bah, exclaimed the teapot. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, December 18, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14941-8.txt or 14941-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/4/14941/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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