initial commit of ebook 14940HEADmain

1 files changed, 2067 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/14940.txt b/14940.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4d8c906
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14940.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2067 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+December 11, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 11, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14940]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 11, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+11.--HOW MR. MUFF CONCLUDES HIS EVENING.
+
+[Illustration: E]Essential as sulphuric acid is to the ignition of the
+platinum in an hydropneumatic lamp; so is half-and-half to the proper
+illumination of a Medical Student's faculties. The Royal College of
+Surgeons may thunder and the lecturers may threaten, but all to no effect;
+for, like the slippers in the Eastern story, however often the pots may be
+ordered away from the dissecting-room, somehow or other they always find
+their way back again with unflinching pertinacity. All the world inclined
+towards beer knows that the current price of a pot of half-and-half is
+fivepence, and by this standard the Medical Student fixes his expenses. He
+says he has given three pots for a pair of Berlin gloves, and speaks of a
+half-crown as a six-pot piece.
+
+Mr. Muff takes the goodly measure in his hand, and decapitating its
+"spuma" with his pipe, from which he flings it into Mr. Simpson's face,
+indulges in a prolonged drain, and commences his narrative--most probably
+in the following manner:--
+
+"You know we should all have got on very well if Rapp hadn't been such a
+fool as to pull away the lanthorns from the place where they are putting
+down the wood pavement in the Strand, and swear he was a watchman. I
+thought the crusher saw us, and so I got ready for a bolt, when Manhug
+said the blocks had no right to obstruct the footpath; and, shoving down a
+whole wall of them into the street, voted for stopping to play at _duck_
+with them. Whilst he was trying how many he could pitch across the Strand
+against the shutters opposite, down came the _pewlice_ and off we cut."
+
+"I had a tight squeak for it," interrupts Mr. Rapp; "but I beat them at
+last, in the dark of the Durham-street arch. That's a dodge worth being up
+to when you get into a row near the Adelphi. Fire away, Muff--where did
+you go?"
+
+"Right up a court to Maiden-lane, in the hope of bolting into the
+Cider-cellars. But they were all shut up, and the fire out in the kitchen,
+so I ran on through a lot of alleys and back-slums, until I got somewhere
+in St. Giles's, and here I took a cab."
+
+"Why, you hadn't got an atom of tin when you left us," says Mr. Manhug.
+
+"Devil a bit did that signify. You know I only took the _cab_--I'd nothing
+at all to do with the driver; he was all right in the gin-shop near the
+stand, I suppose. I got on the box, and drove about for my own
+diversion--I don't exactly know where; but I couldn't leave the cab, as
+there was always a crusher in the way when I stopped. At last I found
+myself at the large gate of New Square, Lincoln's Inn, so I knocked until
+the porter opened it, and drove in as straight as I could. When I got to
+the corner of the square, by No. 7, I pulled up, and, tumbling off my
+perch, walked quietly along to the Portugal-street wicket. Here the other
+porter let me out, and I found myself in Lincoln's Inn Fields."
+
+"And what became of the cab?" asks Mr. Jones.
+
+"How should I know!--it was no affair of mine. I dare say the horse made
+it right; it didn't matter to him whether he was standing in St. Giles's
+or Lincoln's Inn, only the last was the most respectable."
+
+"I don't see that," says Mr. Manhug, refilling his pipe.
+
+"Why, all the thieves in London live in St. Giles's."
+
+"Well, and who live in Lincoln's Inn?"
+
+"Pshaw! that's all worn out," continues Manhug. "I got to the College of
+Surgeons, and had a good mind to scud some oyster shells through the
+windows, only there were several people about--fellows coming home to
+chambers, and the like; so I pattered on until I found myself in
+Drury-lane, close to a coffee-shop that was open. There I saw such a jolly
+row!"
+
+Mr. Muff utters this last sentence in the same ecstatic accents of
+admiration with which we speak of a lovely woman or a magnificent view.
+
+"What was it about?" eagerly demand the rest of the circle.
+
+"Why, just as I got in, a gentleman of a vivacious turn of mind, who was
+taking an early breakfast, had shied a soft-boiled egg at the gas-light,
+which didn't hit it, of course, but flew across the tops of the boxes, and
+broke upon a lady's head."
+
+"What a mess it must have made?" interposes Mr. Manhug. "Coffee-shop eggs
+are always so very albuminous."
+
+"Once I found some feathers in one, and a foetal chick," observes Mr.
+Rapp.
+
+"Knock that down for a good one!" says Mr. Jones, taking the poker and
+striking three distinct blows on the mantel-piece, the last of which
+breaks off the corner. "Well, what did the lady do?"
+
+"Commenced kicking up an extensive shindy, something between crying,
+coughing, and abusing, until somebody in a fustian coat, addressing the
+assailant, said, 'he was no gentleman, whoever he was, to throw eggs at a
+woman; and that if he'd come out he'd pretty soon butter his crumpets on
+both sides for him, and give him pepper for nothing.' The master of the
+coffee shop now came forward and said, 'he wasn't a going to have no
+uproar in his house, which was very respectable, and always used by the
+first of company, and if they wanted to quarrel, they might fight it out
+in the streets.' Whereupon they all began to barge the master at
+once,--one saying 'his coffee was all snuff and duckweed,' or something of
+the kind; whilst the other told him 'he looked as measly as a mouldy
+muffin;' and then all of a sudden a lot of half-pint cups and pewter
+spoons flew up in the air, and the three men began an indiscriminate
+battle all to themselves, in one of the boxes, 'fighting quite permiscus,'
+as the lady properly observed. I think the landlord was worst off though;
+he got a very queer wipe across the face from the handle of his own
+toasting-fork."
+
+"And what did you do, Muff?" asks Mr. Manhug.
+
+"Ah, that was the finishing card of all. I put the gas out, and was
+walking off as quietly as could be, when some policemen who heard the row
+outside met me at the door, and wouldn't let me pass. I said I would, and
+they said I should not, until we came to scuffling, and then one of them
+calling to some more, told them to take me to Bow-street, which they did;
+but I made them carry me though. When I got into the office they had not
+any especial charge to make against me, and the old bird behind the
+partition said I might go about my business; but, as ill luck would have
+it, another of the unboiled ones recognised me as one of the party who had
+upset the wooden blocks--he knew me again by my d--d Taglioni."
+
+"And what did they do to you?"
+
+"Marched me across the yard and locked me up; when to my great consolation
+in my affliction, I found Simpson, crying and twisting up his
+pocket-handkerchief, as if he was wringing it; and hoping his friends
+would not hear of his disgrace through the _Times_."
+
+"What a love you are, Simpson!" observes Mr. Jones patronisingly. "Why,
+how the deuce could they, if you gave a proper name? I hope you called
+yourself James Edwards."
+
+Mr. Simpson blushes, blows his nose, mutters something about his card-case
+and telling an untruth, which excites much merriment; and Mr. Muff
+proceeds:--
+
+"The beak wasn't such a bad fellow after all, when we went up in the
+morning. I said I was ashamed to confess we were both disgracefully
+intoxicated, and that I would take great care nothing of the same
+humiliating nature should occur again; whereupon we were fined twelve pots
+each, and I tossed sudden death with Simpson which should pay both. He
+lost and paid down the dibs. We came away, and here we are."
+
+The mirth proceeds, and, ere long, gives place to harmony; and when the
+cookery is finished, the bird is speedily converted into an anatomical
+preparation,--albeit her interarticular cartilages are somewhat tough, and
+her lateral ligaments apparently composed of a substance between leather
+and caoutchouc. As afternoon advances, the porter of the dissecting-room
+finds them performing an incantation dance round Mr. Muff, who, seated on
+a stool placed upon two of the tressels, is rattling some halfpence in a
+skull, accompanied by Mr. Rapp, who is performing a difficult concerto on
+an extempore instrument of his own invention, composed of the Scotchman's
+hat, who is still grinding in the Museum, and the identical thigh-bone
+that assisted to hang Mr. Muff's patriarchal old hen!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+"The times are hard," say the knowing ones. "Hard" indeed they must be
+when we find a DOCTOR advertising for a situation as WET-NURSE. The
+following appeared in the _Times_ of Wednesday last, under the head of
+"Want Places." "As wet-nurse, a respectable person. Direct to DOCTOR
+P----, C---- Common, Surrey." What next?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE "PUFF PAPERS."
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+The Giant's Stairs.
+
+(CONTINUED.)
+
+"'Well,' says he, 'you're a match for me any day; and sooner than be shut
+up again in this dismal ould box, I'll give you what you ask for my
+liberty. And the three best gifts I possess are, this brown cap, which
+while you wear it will render you invisible to the fairies, while they are
+all visible to you; this box of salve, by rubbing some of which to your
+lips, you will have the power of commanding every fairy and spirit in the
+world to obey your will; and, lastly, this little _kippeen_[1], which at
+your word may be transformed into any mode of conveyance you wish. Besides
+all this, you shall come with me to my palace, where all the treasures of
+the earth shall be at your disposal. But mind, I give you this caution,
+that if you ever permit the brown cap or the _kippeen_ to be out of your
+possession for an instant, you'll lose them for ever; and if you suffer
+any person to touch your lips while you remain in the underground kingdom,
+you will instantly become visible, and your power over the fairies will be
+at an end.'
+
+    [1] A little stick.
+
+"'Well,' thinks I, 'there's nothing so very difficult in _that_.' So
+having got the cap, the _kippeen_, and the box of salve, into my
+possession, I opened the box, and out jumped the little fellow.
+
+"'Now, Felix,' says he, 'touch your lips with the salve, for we are just
+at the entrance of my dominions.'
+
+"I did as he desired me, and, _Dharra Dhie!_ if the little chap wasn't
+changed into a big black-looking giant, sitting afore my eyes on a great
+rock.
+
+"'Lord save us!' says I to myself, 'it's a marcy and a wondher how he ever
+squeezed himself into that weeshy box.' 'Why thin, Sir,' says I to him,
+'maybe your honour would have the civilitude to tell me your name.'
+
+"'With the greatest of pleasure, Felix,' says he smiling; 'I'm called
+Mahoon, the Giant.'
+
+"'Tare an' agers! are you though? Well, if I thought'--but he gave me no
+time to think; for calling on me to follow him, he began climbing up the
+_Giant's Stairs_ as asy as I'd walk up a ladder to the hay-loft. Well, he
+was at the top afore you could cry 'trapstick,' and it wasn't long till I
+was at the top too, and there we found a gate opening into the hill, and a
+power of lords and ladies waiting to resave Mahoon, who I larned was their
+king, and who had been away from his kingdom for twenty years, by rason of
+his being shut up in the box by some great fairy-man.
+
+"Well, when we got inside the gates, I found myself in a most beautiful
+city, where nobody seemed to mind anything but diversion. The music was
+the most illigant thing you ever hard in your born days, and there wasn't
+one less than forty Munster pipers playing before King Mahoon and his
+friends, as they marched along through great broad streets,--a thousand
+times finer than Great George's-street, in Cork; for, my dears, there was
+nothing to be seen but goold, and jewels, and guineas, lying like sand
+under our feet. As I had the little brown cap upon my head, I knew that
+none of the fairy people could see me, so I walked up cheek by jowl with
+King Mahoon himself, who winked at me to keep my toe in my brogue, which
+you may be sure I did, and so we kept on until we came to the king's
+palace. If other places were grand, this was ten times grander, for the
+very sight was fairly taken out of my eyes with the dazzling light that
+shone round about it. In we went into the palace, through two rows of most
+engaging and beautiful young ladies; and then King Mahoon took his sate
+upon his throne, and put upon his head a crown of goold, stuck all over
+with di'monds, every one of them bigger than a sheep's heart. Of coorse
+there was a dale of compliments past amongst the lords and ladies till
+they got tired of them; and then they sat down to dinner, and,
+_nabocklish!_ wasn't there rale givings-out there, with _cead mille
+phailtagh_[2]. The whiskey was sarved out in tubs and buckets, for they'd
+scorn to drink ale or porter; and as for the ating, there was laygions of
+fat bacon and cabbage for the sarvants, and a throop of legs of mutton for
+the king and his coort. Well, after we had all ate till we could hould no
+more, the king called out to clear the flure for a dance. No sooner had he
+said the word, than the tables were all whipped away,--the pipers began to
+tune their chaunters. The king's son opened the ball with a mighty
+beautiful young crather; but the mirinit I laid my eyes upon her I knew
+her at once for a neighbour's daughter, one Anty Dooley, who had died a
+few months before, and who, when she was alive, could beat the whole
+county round at any sort of reel, jig, or hornpipe. The music struck up
+'Tatter Jack Walsh,' and maybe it's she that didn't set, and turn, and
+_thrush_ the boords, until the young prince hadn't as much breath left in
+his body as would blow out a rushlight, and he was forced to sit down
+puffing and panting, and laving his partner standing in the middle of the
+room. I couldn't stand that by no means; so jumping upon the flure with a
+shilloo, I flung my cap into the air:--the music stopped of a sudden, and
+I then recollected that, by throwing off the cap, I had become visible,
+and had lost one of Mahoon's three gifts.
+
+    [2] A hundred thousand welcomes.
+
+"Divil may care! as Punch said when he missed mass; I'll have my dance out
+at any rate, so rouse up 'The Rakes of Mallow,' my beauties. So to it we
+set; and when the _cailleen_ was getting tired well becomes myself, but I
+threw my arm around her slindher waist and took such a smack of her sweet
+lips, that the hall resounded with the report.
+
+"'Fetch me a glass of the best,' says I to a little fellow who was hopping
+about with a tray full of all sorts of dhrink.
+
+"'Fetch it yourself, Felix Donovan. Who's your sarvant now?' says the
+chap, docking up his chin as impident as a tinker's dog. I felt my fingers
+itching to give the fellow a _polthogue_[3] in the ear; but I thought I
+might as well keep myself paceable in a strange place--so I only gave him
+a contemptible look, and turned my back upon him.
+
+    [3] A thump.
+
+"'Felix jewel!' whispered Anty in my ear. 'You've lost your power over the
+fairies by that misfortunate kiss--'
+
+"'_Diaoul!_--there's two of Mahoon's gifts gone already,' thinks I,
+
+"'If you'll take my advice,' says Anty, 'you'll be off out of this as fast
+as you can."
+
+"'The sorra foot I'll stir out of this,' says I 'unless you come along
+with me _ma callieen dhas_[4]--'
+
+    [4] My pretty girl.
+
+"I wish you could have seen the deluding look she gave me as leaning her
+head upon my shoulder she whispered to me in a voice sweeter than music of
+a dream,
+
+"'Felix dear! I'll go with you all the world over, and the sooner we take
+to the road the better. Steal you out of the door, and I'll follow you in
+a few minutes.'
+
+"Accordingly I sneaked away as quietly as I could; they were all too busy
+with their divarsions to mind me--and at the door I met Anty with her
+apron full of goold and diamonds.
+
+"'Now,' said she, 'where's the _kippeen_ Mahoon gave you?'
+
+"'Here it is safe enough,' I answered, pulling it out of my breeches
+pocket.
+
+"'Well, now tell it to become a coach-and-four.'
+
+"I did as she desired me--and in a moment there was a grand coach and four
+prancing horses before us. You may be sure we did not stand admiring very
+long, but both stepped in, and away we drove like the wind,--until we came
+to a high wall; so high that it tired me to look to the top of it.
+
+"'Step out, now,' says she, 'but mind not to let go your held of the
+coach, and tell it to change itself into a ladder.'
+
+"I had my lesson now; the coach became a ladder, reaching to the top of
+the wall; so up we mounted, and descended on the other side by the same
+means. There was then before us a terrible dark gulf over which hung such
+a thick fog that a priest couldn't see to bless himself in it.
+
+"'Call for a winged horse,' whispered Anty.
+
+"I did so, and up came a fine black horse, with a pair of great wings
+growing out of his back, and ready bridled and saddled to our hand. I
+jumped upon his back, and took Anty up before me; when, spreading out his
+wings, he flew--flew, without ever stopping until he landed us safe on the
+opposite shore. We were now on the banks of a broad river.
+
+"'This,' said Anty, 'is our last difficulty.'
+
+"The horse was changed into a boat, and away we sailed with a fair breeze
+for the opposite shore, which, as we approached, appeared more beautiful
+than any country I had ever seen. The shore was crowded with young people
+dancing, singing, and beckoning us to approach. The boat touched the land;
+I thought all my troubles were past, and in the joy of my heart I leaped
+ashore, leaving Anty in the boat; but no sooner had my foot parted from
+the gunwale than the boat shot like an arrow from the bank, and drifted
+down the current. I saw my young bride wringing her fair hands, weeping at
+if her heart would break, and crying--
+
+"'Why did you quit the boat so soon, Felix? Alas, alas! we shall never
+meet again!' and then with a wild and melancholy scream she vanished from
+my sight. A dizziness came over my senses, I fell upon the ground in a
+dead faint, and when I came to myself--I found myself all alone in my
+boat, with three tundhering big conger-eels fast upon my lines. And now,
+neighbours, you have all my story about the _Giant's Stairs_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DRAW IT GENTLY.
+
+Joseph Hume's attention having been drawn to the great insecurity of
+letter envelopes, as they are now constructed, has submitted to the
+Post-master-General a specimen of a new safety envelope. He states that
+the invention is entirely his own, and that he has applied the principle
+with extraordinary success in the case of his own breeches-pocket, from
+which he defies the most "artful dodger" in the world to extract anything.
+We can add our testimony to the _un-for-giving_ property of Joe's monetary
+receptacle, and we trust that his excellent plan may be instantly adopted.
+At present there is immense risk in sending inclosures through the
+Post-office; for all the letter-carriers are aware that there is nothing
+easier than
+
+[Illustration: DRAWING A COVER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS.
+
+Yesterday Paddy Green, Esquire, called at "The Great Mogul," where he
+played two games at bagatelle, and went "Yorkshire" for a pot of dog's
+nose. He smoked a short pipe home.
+
+On Tuesday Charles Mears, I.M., accompanied by Jeremiah Donovan, called at
+the residence of Paddy Green, Esquire, in Vere-street, to inquire after
+the health of Master P. Green.
+
+Master James Marc Anthony George Finch has succeeded Bill Jenkins as
+errand-boy at the butter-shop in Great Wild-street. This change had long
+been expected in the neighbourhood.
+
+On Friday Paddy Green, Esquire, did not rise till the evening. A slight
+disposition to the prevailing epidemic, influenza, is stated to be the
+cause. He drank copiously of rum-and-water with a piece of butter in it.
+
+On Thursday last the lady of Paddy Green, personally attended to the
+laundry; a fortnight's wash took place, when Mrs. Briggs, the charwoman,
+was in waiting. Mrs. P. Green, with her accustomed liberality, sent out
+for a quartern of gin and a quarter of an ounce of brown rappee.
+
+Charles Mears, I.M., and Jeremiah Donovan yesterday took a short walk and
+a short pipe together.
+
+It is confidently reported that at the close of the present Covent-Garden
+season that Mr. Ossian Sniggers will retire from the stage, of which he
+has been so long a distinguished ornament. We have it from the best
+authority that he purposes going into the retail coal and tater line.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LINES ON MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE.
+
+_By Sir Lumley Skeffington, Bart._
+
+  _Supercelestial_ is the art she practises,
+  Transcending far all other living actresses;
+  Her father's talent--mother's grace--compose
+  This Stephen's figure, with John's Roman nose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S LETTER-WRITER.
+
+DEAR PUNCH! VENERABLE NOSEY!
+
+By the bye, was Publius Ovidius _Nuso_ an ancestor of yours? Talking of
+ancestors, why do the Ayrshire folks speak of theirs as _four bears_
+(forbears), it sounds very ursine. But to our _muttons_, as my old French
+master used to call it. Do you do anything in the classico-historical
+line, for the Charivaresque enlightenment of the British public; if so,
+here is a specimen of a work in that style, "done out of the original:"--
+
+THE DEATH OF CAESAR:
+
+A TOUCH OF THE CLASSICAL IN THE VULGAR TONGUE.
+
+When he beheld the hand of him he had so loved raised against him, Caesar's
+heart was filled with anguish, and uttering the deep reproach--"And thou,
+too, Brutus!" he shrouded his face in his mantle, and fell at the foot of
+Pompey's statue, covered with wounds. Thus, in the zenith of his glory,
+perished Caius Julius Caesar, the conqueror of the world, and the eloquent
+historian of his own exploits; spiflicatus est (says my original), he was
+done for: he got his gruel, and inserted his pewter in the stucco, B.C.
+44.
+
+Perhaps you may not receive the above; but "sticking his spoon in the
+wall" reminds me of a hint I have to offer you. Did you ever see any
+Apostle spoons--old things with saints carved on their handles, which used
+to be presented, at christenings, &c. Now I think you might make your
+fortune with His Royal Highness of Cornwall, on the occasion of his
+christening, by getting together a set of spoons to present to him; and I
+would suggest your selection of the most notorious _spoons_, such as the
+delectable Saddler Knight, Peter Borthwick, Calculating Joey, _the_
+Colonel, Ben D'Israeli, &c. You might even class them, putting Sir Andrew
+Agnew in as a grave(y) spoon; a teetotal chief as a _tea_ spoon; Wakley,
+being a _deserter_, as a _dessert_ spoon; D'Israeli, being so amazingly
+soft, as a _pap_ spoon, &c. &c. Send them with Punch's dutiful
+congratulations, and you will infallibly get knighted; but don't take a
+baronetcy, my respectable friend, for I hear that, like my friend Sir
+Moses, you are inclined to Judyism (Judaism)[5]. May the shadow of your
+nose never be less; and Heaven send that you may take this up after
+dinner! Farewell!
+
+    [5] Have I "seen that line before?"
+
+POLICHINICULUS.
+
+*** Polichiniculus is a lucky fellow! We opened his letter after the
+pleasant discussion of a boiled chicken.--_Ed. of "Punch."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CUPID'S BOW.
+
+SIR JAMES GRAHAM was conversing the other day with D'Israeli on what he
+designated "the _crooked_ policy of Lord Palmerston."
+
+"What could you expect but a _warped understanding_," replied the Hebrew
+Adonis, "from such
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT BEAU--(BOW)."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CERTAINLY NOT "BETTER LATE THAN NEVER."
+
+SIR FIGARO LAURIE was condoling with Hobler on the loss of the baronetcy
+by the late Lord Mayor.
+
+Hobler replied that the loss of the title was not by the late Lord Mayor
+but by the _late_ Prince of Wales. But, as he sagely added,
+
+[Illustration: THERE'S MANY A SLIP, &c.]
+
+Sir Peter has placed Hobler on Truefitt's free list.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SLIGHT CONTRAST!
+
+"LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS!"
+
+THE COUNTERFEIT PRESENTMENT OF
+
+PRINCE ALBERT'S HOUNDS AND THE POOR IN THE SEVENOAKS UNION.
+
+The _sleeping-beds_ which are occupied by the prince's beagles and her
+Majesty's _dogs_ are IN FIVE COMPARTMENTS AT THE EXTREMITY OF THE
+HOVELS--THE LATTER BEING WELL SUPPLIED WITH WATER AND PAVED WITH ASPHALTE,
+THE BOTTOMS HAVING GOOD PALLS, TO ENSURE THEIR DRYNESS AND CLEANLINESS.
+The hovels enter into three green yards, roomy and healthy. In the one at
+the near end a rustic ornamental seat has been erected, from which her
+Majesty and the prince are accustomed to inspect their favourites.
+
+The boiling and distemper houses are now in course of erection, BUT
+DETACHED FROM THE OTHER PORTION OP THE BUILDING!--_From the Sporting
+Magazine, extracted in the Times of Dec. 3, 1841._
+
+"I KNOW the lying-in ward; there is but ONE, which is small: another room
+is used when required. There are two beds in the first. The walls, I
+should say, were clean; but at that time they could not he cleansed, as it
+was full of women. The room was very smoky and uncomfortable; the walls
+were as clean as they could be under the circumstances. I have always felt
+dissatisfied with the ward, and many times said it was the most
+uncomfortable place in the house; it always looked dirty....
+
+"There have been six women there at one time: two were confined in one
+bed....
+
+"It was impossible entirely to shut out the infection. I have known
+FIFTEEN CHILDREN SLEEP in two beds!"--_From the sworn evidence of Mrs.
+Elizabeth Gain, late matron, and Mr. Adams, late medical attendant, at the
+Sevenoaks Union--extracted from the Times of Dec. 2, 1841._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON SNUFF, AND THE DIFFERENT WAYS OF _TAKING_ IT.
+
+Snuff is a sort of freemasonry amongst those who partake of it.
+
+Those who do not partake of it cannot possibly understand those who do. It
+is just the same as music to the deaf--dancing to the lame--or painting to
+the blind.
+
+Snuff-takers will assure you that there are as many different types of
+snuff-takers as there are different types of women in a church or in a
+theatre, or different species of roses in the flower-bed of an
+horticulturist.
+
+But the section of snuff-takers has, in common with all social categories,
+its apostates, its false brethren.
+
+For as sure as you carry about with you a snuff-box, of copper, of
+tortoise-shell, or of horn (the material matters absolutely nothing), you
+cannot fail to have met upon your path the man who carries no snuff-box,
+and yet is continually taking snuff.
+
+The man who carries no snuff-box is an intimate nuisance--a hand-in-hand
+annoyance--a sort of authorised Jeremy Diddler to all snuff-takers.
+
+He meets you everywhere. The first question he puts is not how "you do?"
+he assails you instantly with "Have you such a thing as a pinch of snuff
+about you?"
+
+It is absolutely as if he said, "I have no snuff myself, but I know _you_
+have--and you cannot refuse me levying a small contribution upon it."
+
+If it were only _one_ pinch; but it is two--it is four--it is eight; it is
+all the week--all the month--it is all year round. The man who carries no
+snuff box is a regular Captain Macheath--a licensed Paul Clifford--to
+everyone that does. He meets you on the highway, and summonses you to stop
+by demanding "Your snuff-box or your life?"
+
+A man can easily refuse to his most intimate friend his purse, or his
+razor, or his wife, or his horse; but with what decency can he refuse
+him--or to his coolest acquaintance even--a pinch of snuff? It is in this
+that the evil _pinches_.
+
+The snuff-taker who carries no snuff-box is aware of this--and woe to the
+box into which his fingers gain admission to levy the pinch his nose
+distrains upon.
+
+There is no man who has the trick so aptly at his fingers' ends of
+absorbing so much in one given pinch, as the man who carries no snuff box.
+The quantity he takes proves he is not given to _samples_.
+
+Properly speaking he is the landlord of all the boxes in the kingdom.
+Those who carry snuff-boxes are only his tenants; and hold them merely by
+virtue of a _rack-rent_, under him.
+
+He is a perpetual plunderer--a petty purloiner--a pinching petitioner _in
+forma pauperis_--a contraband dealer in snuff. However, he is in general
+noted for his social qualities. He is affable, mild, harmless,
+insinuating, yielding, and submissive. He never fails to compliment you
+upon your good looks, and wonders in deep interest where you buy such
+excellent snuff. He agrees with you that Sir Peter Laurie is the first
+statesman of the day, and flies into the highest ecstacies when he learns
+that it is some of George the Fourth's sold-off stock. He even
+acknowledges that Universal Suffrage is the only thing that can save the
+nation, and affects to be quite astonished that he has left his box behind
+him. He will beg to be remembered to your wife, and leaves you after
+begging for "the favour of another pinch." Where is the man whose nature
+would not be susceptible of a _pinch_ when invoked in the name of his
+wife?
+
+Goldsmith recommends a pair of boots, a silver pencil, or a horse of small
+value, as an infallible specific for getting rid of a troublesome guest.
+He always had the satisfaction to find he never came back to return them.
+
+But with the man who carries no snuff-box this specific would lose its
+infallibility. It would be folly to lend him your snuff-box, for at this
+price snuff would lose all its flavour, all its perfume for him. The best
+box to give him would be perhaps a box on the ear.
+
+If he were obliged to buy his own snuff, it would give him no sensation.
+The strongest would not make him sneeze, or wring from the sensibility of
+his eyes the smallest tribute to its pungency. He would turn up his nose
+at it, or, at the best, use it as sand-dust to receipt his washerwoman's
+bills with.
+
+These feelings aside, the man who carries no snuff-box is a good member of
+society; that is to say, quite as good a one as the man who does carry a
+snuff-box. He is in general a good friend (as long as he has the _entree_
+of your box), a good parent, a good tenant, a good customer, a good voter,
+a good eater, a good talker, and especially a good judge of snuff. He
+knows by one touch, by one sniff, by one _coup d'oeil_, the good from the
+bad, the old from the new, the fragrant from the filthy, the colour which
+is natural from the colour which is coloured. If any one should want to
+lay in a stock of snuff, let him take the man who carries no snuff with
+him: his _ipse dixit_ may be relied upon with every certainty. He will
+choose it as if he were buying it for himself, and in return will never
+forget to look upon it as a property he is entitled to fully as much as
+you who have paid for it; for, in fact, would you be in possession of the
+snuff if he had not chosen it for you?
+
+As for his complaint, it is like hydrophilia; no remedy has as yet been
+invented for it; and we can with comfortable consciences predict that, as
+long as snuff is taken, and men continue to carry it about with them in
+snuff-boxes, they are sure to be subject to the importunities of the man
+who carries no snuff box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BUFFOON'S NATURAL HISTORY.
+
+SIR EDWARD LYTTON BULWER, who, like Byron, (in this one instance only)
+"wanted a hero," had the good fortune to lay his hands upon the history of
+the celebrated George Barrington of picking-pocket notoriety. That worthy,
+describing the progress he made for the good of his country, related some
+strange particulars of a foreign bird, called the Secretary, or
+Snake-eater, which Sir Edward, from his knowledge of the natural history
+of his friend John Wilson Croker, declares to be the immediate connecting
+link between the English Admiralty Secretary, or "Toad-eater."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"NOT EXACTLY."
+
+"Have you been much at sea?"
+
+"Why no, _not exactly_; but my brother married an admiral's daughter!"
+
+"Were you ever abroad?"
+
+"No, _not exactly_; but my mother's maiden name was 'French.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONS FOR DECEMBER.
+
+    [A letter has found its way into our box, which was evidently
+    intended for the Parisian _Courrier des Dames_; but as the
+    month is so far advanced, we are fearful that the communication
+    will be too late for the purposes of that fashionable journal. We
+    have therefore with unparalleled liberality inserted it in PUNCH,
+    and thus conferred an immortality on an ephemera! It is worthy of
+    remark that the writer adopts the style of our foreign fashionable
+    correspondents, who invariably introduce as much English as French
+    into their communications.]
+
+
+_Rue de Dyotte_,
+
+_Derriere les Slommes a Saint Gilles_.
+
+
+MON JOVIAL ANCIEN COQ.
+
+_Les swelles de Londres_ have now determined upon the winter fashions,
+subject only to such modifications as their wardrobes render imperative,
+_et y vont comme des Briques_. Butchers' trays continue to be worn on the
+shoulders; and sprats may be found very generally upon the heads of the
+_poissonnieres-faggeuses de la Porte de Billing_. Short pipes are much
+patronised by architects' assistants, and are worn either in the hatband
+or the side of the mouth, _et point d'erreur_. A few black eyes have been
+seen _dans la Rookerie_; but these facial ornaments will not be general
+until after boxing-day, _quand ils le deviendront bien forts_. Highlows
+and anklejacks[6] are still patronised by _les imaginaires_[7] of both
+sexes, the only alteration in the fashion being that the highlow is cut a
+little more on the instep, and the anklejack has retrograded a trifle
+towards the heel, with those _qui veulent le couper gras_. A great many
+muslin caps are seen, frequently with a hole in the crown, through which
+the hair protrudes, and gives a _tres epiceux et soufflet-haut_
+appearance. They are called _les Capoles des Sept-Dialles_.
+
+    [6] For an elaborate description of these elegances, vide PUNCH.
+
+    [7] The _Fancy_, we presume.--_Printer's Devil_.
+
+Others have no opening at the top, but two streamers of the same material
+as the cap are allowed to play over the shoulders of _les immenses
+Cartes_. The original colour of these _capotes_ is white; but they are
+only worn by _les grandes Cigarres_ when the white has been very much
+rubbed off.
+
+Furs are much worn, both by the male and female _magnifiques poussieres_.
+The latter usually carry them suspended from their apron-strings, and
+appear to give the preference to hare and rabbit _mantelets_, though
+sometimes domestic felines are denuded for the same purpose, _que puisse
+m'aider, pomme-de-terre_. The gentlemen, on the other hand, carry their
+furs at the end of a long pole, and towards Saturday-night a great number
+_de petits pots_[8] may be seen enveloped in this costly _materiel_. The
+fantails of the _chapeaux d'Adelphi_ are spread rather broader over the
+shoulders, and are sometimes elevated behind, _quand ils veulent le faire
+tres soufflement_. Pewter brooches are still in great request, as are also
+pewter-pots, which are used in the tap-rooms of some _des cribbes
+particulierement flamboyants-haut_.
+
+    [8] Query mugs--_Anglice_ faces?--_Printer's Devil_.
+
+But I must _fermer ma trappe de pomme-de-terre, et promener mes crayons;
+ainsi, adieu, mon joli tromp_.
+
+_Votre chummi devoue_,
+
+_Jusques tout est bleu_,
+
+ALPHONSE JAMBES D'ARAIGNEE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+A juvenile party, among whom we noticed the two Biggses, attended in
+Piccadilly to inspect the sewer now being made. One of the workmen
+employed threw up a quantity of the soil, intending no doubt to give an
+opportunity to the party of inspecting its properties; but as it hit some
+of them in the eye, they retreated rapidly.
+
+The venerable square-keeper in Golden-square took his usual airing round
+the railings yesterday, and afterwards partook of the pleasures of the
+chase, by pursuing a boy into John-street. He was attended by his usual
+_suite_ of children, who cheered him in his progress, following him as he
+ran on, and turning back so as to precede him, when he abandoned the hunt
+and resumed his promenade, which he did almost immediately.
+
+Bill Bumpus walked for several hours in the suburbs yesterday. In order to
+have the advantage of exercise, he carried a basket on his head, and was
+understood to intimate in a loud tone that it contained sprats, which he
+distributed to the humbler classes at a penny a plateful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HIGH-ROAD TO GENTILITY;
+
+OR
+
+MRS. WOULD-BE'S ADVICE TO HER DAUGHTER.
+
+  Now, Charlotte, dear, attend to me,
+    You know you're coming out,
+  And in the best society
+    Will shine, beyond a doubt.
+  Things were not always so with us,--
+    But let oblivion's seal
+  For ever shut out former days--
+    They were so ungenteel.
+
+  And as for country neighbours, child,
+    You must forget them all;
+  And never visit any place
+    That is not Park or Hall.
+  But if you know a titled name,
+    That knowledge ne'er conceal;
+  And mention nothing in the world,
+    Except it be genteel.
+
+  But think no more of Henry, child;
+    His love is pure, I know;
+  He writes delightful verses too;
+    But cannot be your _beau_.
+  He never as at Almack's, sure,--
+    From that there's no appeal;
+  For neither gifts nor graces now
+    Can make a man genteel.
+
+  You know Lord Worthless,--Charlotte, would
+    Not that be quite a match,
+  If not so very often in
+    The keeping of the watch?
+  He paid some damages last year,
+    Though slippery as an eel;
+  But then such vices in a peer
+    Are perfectly genteel.
+
+  And you must cut the Worthies--they're
+    No company for you;
+  Though all of them are lovely girls,
+    And very clever too.
+  'Tis true, we found them kind, when all
+    The world were cold as steel;
+  'Tis true, they were your early friends;
+    But, then, they're not genteel.
+
+  There's Lady Waxwork, who, when dressed,
+    Has nothing she can say;
+  Miss Triffle of her lap-dog's tail
+    Will chatter half the day.
+  The Honourable Mr. Trick
+    At cards can cheat or steal:--
+  _These_ are the friends that suit us now,
+    For oh! they're _so_ genteel!
+
+  But, Charlotte, dear, avoid the Blues,
+    No matter when, or how;
+  For literature is quite beneath
+    The higher classes now.
+  Though Raphael paint, or Homer sing,
+    Oh! never seem to feel;
+  Young ladies should not have a soul,--
+    It's really ungenteel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW WINE.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE sent an order to a wine-merchant at the West End on
+Tuesday last for "six dozen of the _best Ottoman Porte_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LOYALTY AND INSANITY.
+
+"Half the day _at least_"--says the editor of the _Athenaeum_--"we are _in
+fancy_ at the Palace, taking _our turn_ of loyal watch by the cradle of
+the heir-apparent; _the rest_ at our own firesides, in that mood of
+_cheerful thankfulness_ which makes fun and frolic welcome!" Half the day,
+_at least!_
+
+A stroke of fancy--especially to a heavy man--is sometimes as discomposing
+as a stroke of paralysis. Our friend of the _Athenaeum_ is not to be
+carried away by fancy, cost free: his imaginative watch at the Palace--for
+who can doubt that for six hours _per diem_ he is in Buckingham
+nursery?--has led him into the perpetration of various eccentricities
+which, when we reflect upon the fortune he must have hoarded, and the
+innate selfishness of our common nature, may possibly end in a commission
+of lunacy. As juries are now-a-days brought together (especially as
+Chartists abound), excessive loyalty may be returned--confirmed insanity.
+It is, however, our duty as good citizens and fellow-journalists to
+protest, in advance, against any such verdict; declaring that whatever may
+be adduced by the unreflecting persons in daily intercourse with the
+editor--that grave and learned scribe is in the enjoyment--of all the
+sense originally vouchsafed to him. We know the stories that are in the
+most unfeeling manner told to the disadvantage of the learned and
+inoffensive gentleman; we know them, and shall not shrink from meeting
+them.
+
+It is said that for one hour a day "at least" since the birth of the
+Prince the unfortunate gentleman has been invariably occupied folding and
+refolding a copy of the _Athenaeum_--now airing it and smoothing it
+down--now unfolding and now folding it up again. Well, What of this? The
+truth is, our poor friend has only been "taking his turn," arranging "in
+fancy" the diaper of the royal nursery. That he should have selected a
+copy of the _Athenaeum_ as a type of the swaddling cloth bespeaks in our
+mind the presence of great judgment. It is madness with very considerable
+method.
+
+A printer's devil--sent either for copy or a proof--deposes that our
+friend seized him, and laying him in his lap, insisted upon feeding him
+with his goose-quill, at the same time dipping that noisome instrument in
+his ink-bottle. The said devil declares that with all his experience of
+the various qualities of various inks used by gentlemen upon town, he
+never met with ink at once so muddy and so sour as the ink of the
+_Athenaeum_. We do not deny the statement of the devil as to what he calls
+the assault committed upon him; but the fact is, the editor was not in his
+own study, but was "taking his turn" at the pap-spoon of the Duke of
+CORNWALL!
+
+Betty, the editor's housemaid, has given warning, declaring that she
+cannot live with any gentleman who insists upon taking her in his arms,
+and tossing her up and down as if she was no more than a baby; at the same
+time making a chirruping noise with his mouth, and calling her "poppet"
+and "chickabiddy." Well, we allow all this, and boldly ask, What of it? We
+grant the "poppet;" we concede the "chickabiddy;" and then sternly inquire
+if an excess of loyalty is to impugn the reason of the most ratiocinative
+editor? Does not the thing speak for itself? If BETTY were not a fool, she
+would know that her master--good, regular man!--meant nothing more than,
+under the auspices of Mrs. LILLY, to dandle the Duke of CORNWALL.
+
+A taxgatherer, calling upon the editor for the Queen's taxes, could get
+nothing out of our respected friend, but "Ride a cock-horse to Bamberry
+Cross!" If taxgatherers were not at once the most vindictive and the most
+stupid of men (it is said Sir ROBERT has ordered them to be very
+carnivorous this Christmas), the fellow would never have called in a
+broker to alarm our excellent coadjutor, but would at once have seen that
+the genius of the _Athenaeum_ was taking his turn in Buckingham Palace,
+singing a nursery _canzonetta_ to the Duke of CORNWALL!
+
+And is it for these, to us beautiful evidences of an absorbing loyalty--of
+a feeling that is true as truth, for if it was a mere conventional flame
+we should take no note of it--that the editor of the _Athenaeum_, a most
+grave, considerate gentleman, should be cited to Gray's-inn Coffee-house,
+and by an ignorant and unimaginative mob of jurymen voted incapable of
+writing reviews upon his own books, or the books of other people?
+
+The question that we would here open is one of great and social political
+importance. There is an end of personal liberty if the enthusiasm of
+loyalty is to be visited as madness. For our part, we have the fullest
+belief in the avowal of the poor man of the _Athenaeum_, that for half a
+day he is--in fancy--watching the little Prince in Buckingham nursery; and
+yet we see that men are deprived of enormous fortunes (we tremble for the
+copyright of the _Athenaeum_) for indulging in stories, with equal
+probability on the face of them. For instance, a few days since WEEKS, a
+Greenwich pensioner, (being suddenly rich, the reporters call him _Mister_
+WEEKS,) was fobbed out of 120,000l. for having boasted (among other
+things) that he had had children by Queen ELIZABETH (by the way, the
+virginity of Royal BETSY has before been questioned)--that he intended to
+marry Queen VICTORIA, and that, in fact, not GEORGE THE THIRD but WEEKS
+THE FIRST was the father of Queen CHARLOTTE'S offspring. Now, what is all
+this, but loyalty _in excess_? Is it not precisely the same feeling that
+takes the editor of the _Athenaeum_ half of every day from his family,
+spellbinding him at the cradle of the Duke of CORNWALL? Cannot our readers
+just as easily believe the pensioner as the editor? We can.
+
+"He told me he was going to marry the Queen" (thus speaks Sir R. DOBSON,
+chief medical officer of Greenwich Hospital, of poor WEEKS), "and _I had
+him cupped_ and treated as an insane patient!" Can the editor hope to
+escape blood-letting and a shaven head? "He told me he was going to dine
+to-day at Buckingham Palace." Thus spoke WEEKS. "Half the day at least we
+are in fancy at the Palace;" thus boasteth the _Athenaeum_. The pensioner
+is found "incapable of managing himself or his affairs:" the editor
+continues to review books and write articles! "He (WEEKS) also said he had
+once horse-whipped a lion until it became afraid of him!" Where is
+CARTER--where VAN AMBURGH, if not in Bedlam? Lucky, indeed, is it for the
+editor of the _Athenaeum_ that his weekly miscellany (wherein he _thinks_
+he sometimes horse-whips lions) is not quite worth 120,000l. Otherwise,
+certain would be his summons to Gray's-inn.
+
+We have rejoiced, as beseemed us, at the birth of the little Prince; it
+now becomes our grave moral duty to read a lesson of forbearance to those
+enthusiastic people who--especially if they have money--may by an excess
+of the principle of loyalty put in peril their personal freedom. Let them
+not take confidence from the safety enjoyed by the _Athenaeum_ editor--the
+poverty of the press may protect him. If, however, he and other
+influential wizards of the broad sheet, succeed in making loyalty not a
+rational principle, but a mania--if, day by day, and week by week, they
+insist upon deifying poor infirm humanity, exalting themselves in their
+own conceit, in their very self-abasement--they may escape an individual
+accusation in the general folly. When we are all mad alike--when we all,
+with the editor of the _Athenaeum_, take our half-day's watch at the little
+Prince's cradle--when every man and woman throughout the empire believe
+themselves making royal pap and airing royal baby-linen--then, whatever
+fortune we may have we may be safe from the fate of poor WEEKS, the
+Greenwich pensioner, who, we repeat, is most unjustly confined for his
+notions of royalty, seeing that many of our contemporaries are still left
+at liberty to write and publish. Poor dear little PRINCE! if fed and
+nourished from your cradle upwards upon such stuff as that pressed upon
+you since your birth, what deep, what powerful sympathies will be yours
+with the natures of your fellow-men--what lofty notions of kingly
+usefulness, and kingly duty!
+
+It may be that certain writers think they best oppose the advancing spirit
+of the time--questioning as it does the "divinity" that hedges the
+throne--by adopting the worse than foolish adulation of a by-gone age. In
+a silly flippant book just published--a thing called _Cecil_--the author
+speaks of the first appearance of VICTORIA in the House of Lords. He
+says--
+
+"An unaccountable feeling _of trust_ rose in my bosom. I speak it not
+profanely--[when a writer says this, be sure of it that, as in the present
+case, he goes deep as he can in profanation]--when I say _that the idea of
+the yet unknown Saviour_, a child among the Doctors of the Temple,
+occurred spontaneously to my mind!"
+
+Now this book has been daubed with honey; the writer has been promised "an
+European reputation" (Madame LAFFARGE has a reputation equally extensive),
+and he is at this moment to be found upon drawing-tables, whose owners
+would scream--or affect to scream--as at an adder, at SHELLEY. Nay,
+Shelley's publisher is found guilty of blasphemy in the Court of Queen's
+Bench; and that within these few months. We should like to know Lord
+Denman's opinions of Mr. BOONE. What would he say of Queen Victoria being
+compared to the Redeemer--of Lord LONDONDERRY, _et hoc genus omne_, being
+"Doctors of the Temple?"
+
+A writer in the _Almanach des Gourmands_ says, in praise of a certain
+viand, "this is a dish to be eaten on your knees." There are writers who,
+with, goose-quill in hand, never approach royalty, but they--write upon
+their knees!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XXII.
+
+[Illustration: JACK CUTTING HIS NAME ON THE BEAM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.
+
+INTERNATIONAL GEOGRAPHY.
+
+The Fleet is a very peculiar isolated kingdom, bounded on the north by the
+wall to the north or north wall; on the south, by the wall to the south or
+south wall; on the east, by the wall to the east or east wall; and on the
+west, by the wall to the west or west wall. The manners and habits of the
+natives are marked with many extraordinary peculiarities; and some of the
+local customs are of an exceedingly interesting character.
+
+The derivation of the word "Fleet" has caused many controversies, and we
+believe is even now involved in much mystery, and subject to much dispute.
+
+Some commentators have endeavoured to establish an analogy between the
+words "_fleet_" and "fast," with the view of showing that these being
+nearly synonymous terms, "the fleet is a corruption from the fast, or keep
+_fast_." Others again contend the origin to be purely nautical, inasmuch
+as this country, like the ships in war time, is mostly peopled with
+_pressed men_. While a third class argue that the name was originally one
+of warning, traditionally handed down from father to son by the
+inhabitants of the surrounding countries (with whom this land has never
+been in high favour), and that the addition of the letter _T_ renders the
+phrase perfect, leaving the caution thus, _Flee-it_--now contracted and
+perverted into the commonly used term of _Fleet_.
+
+As we are only the showmen about to exhibit "the lions and the dogs," we
+merely put forward these deductions, and tell our readers they are welcome
+to choose "which_h_ever they please, _h_our little dears!" while we will
+at once proceed to describe the manners and habits of the natives.
+
+One great peculiarity in connexion with this strange people is, that the
+inhabitants are, from the first moment of their appearance, invariably
+adults; and we can positively assert the almost incredible fact, that no
+_bona fide_ occupant of these realms was ever seen in any part of their
+domain in the hands of a nurse, enveloped in the long clothes worn by many
+of the infants of the surrounding nations. Like the Spartan youths, all
+these people undergo a long course of training, and exceed the age of
+one-and-twenty before they are deemed worthy of admission into the ranks
+of these singular hordes. They have no actual sovereign, but merely two
+traditionary beings, to whom they bow with most abject servility. These
+imaginary potentates are always alluded to under the fearful names of
+"John Doe and Richard Roe;" though they are never seen, still their edicts
+are all-powerful, their commands extending to the most distant regions,
+and carrying captivity and caption-fees wherever they go. These _firmans_
+are entrusted to the charge of a peculiar race of beings, commonly called
+officers to the sheriff. There is something exceedingly interesting in the
+ceremonious attendant upon the execution of one of these potent fiats: the
+manner is as follows. Having received the orders of "John Doe and Richard
+Roe," they proceed to the residence of their intended captive, and with
+consummate skill, like the Eastern tellers of tales, commence their
+business by the repetition of some ingenious story (called in the language
+of the captured, _lie_), wherein the Bumme Bayllyffe (such is their title)
+artfully represents himself "as a cousin from the country," an "uncle from
+town," or some near and dear long expected and anxiously-looked-for
+returned-from-abroad friend. Should their endeavours fail in procuring the
+desired interview, they frequently have resort to the following practice.
+With the right-hand finger and thumb they open a small aperture in the
+side of a species of garment, generally manufactured from drab broadcloth,
+in which they encase their lower extremities, and having thrust their hand
+to the very bottom of the said opening, they produce a peculiarly musical
+sound by jingling various round pieces of white money, which so entrances
+the feelings of the domestic with whom they are discoursing, that his eyes
+become fixed upon the hand of the operater the moment the sound ceases and
+it is withdrawn. The Bumme Bayllyffe then winketh his right eye, and with
+great rapidity depositeth a curious-looking coin, of the value of five
+shillings, in the hand of the domestic, who thereupon pointeth with his
+dexter thumb over his left shoulder to a small china closet, in which the
+enemy of John Doe and Richard Roe is found, his Wellington boots sticking
+out of the hamper, under the straw in which the rest of his person is
+deposited.
+
+The Bumme Bayllyffe having called him loudly by his name, showeth his
+writ, steppeth up, and tappeth him once gently upon the shoulder,
+whereupon the ceremony is completed, and the future inmate of the Fleet
+departeth with the Bumme Bayllyffe.
+
+The first thing that attracts the attention of the captured of John Doe
+and Richard Roe is the great care with which the entrance to his new
+country is guarded. Four officials of the warden or minister of the said
+John and Richard alternately remain in actual possession of that
+interesting pass, to each of whom the new-comer submits his face and
+figure for actual and earnest inspection, for the reason that should the
+said new arrival by any means pass their boundary, they themselves would
+suffer much disgrace and obliquy; having undergone this inspection, he
+then proceeds to the interior of these strange domains.
+
+Walls! walls!! walls!!! meet him on every side; and by some strange manner
+of judging the new-comer is immediately known as such.
+
+The costume of the natives differs widely from the usually sported
+habiliments of more extended nations; caps worn by small boys in other
+climes here decorated the heads of the most venerable elders, and
+peculiarly-cut dressing-gowns do duty for the discarded broadcloth of a
+Stultz, a Nugee, or a Willis.
+
+The new man's conformity with the various customs of the inmates is one of
+the most curious facts on record. We have been favoured with the following
+table or scale by which time regulates the gradual advancement to
+perfection of a genuine "Fleety":--
+
+_First Week._--Ring; union-pin; watch; straps; clean boots; ditto shirt;
+shave; and light waistcoat.
+
+_Second Week._--Slippers in passage; no straps to boots; rub on toe; dirty
+hall; fresh dickey; black vest; two days' beard.--[_Exit ring_.]
+
+_Third Week._--Full-bosomed stock; one bracer; indication of white chalk
+on seat of duck trousers; blue striped shirt; no vest; shooting jacket;
+small imperial.--[_Exeunt union-pin and watch._]
+
+_Fourth Week._--White collar; blue shirt; slippers various; boots a little
+over at heel; incipient moustache; silk pocket-handkerchief round neck;
+and a fortnight's splashes on trousers.
+
+_Fifth Week._--Red ochre outline of increased whiskers, flourishing
+imperial, and chevaux-de-frise moustache; dirty shirt; French cap; Jersey
+over-all; one slipper and a boot; meerschaum; dressing-gown; and principal
+seat at the free and easy.
+
+_Sixth._--Everything in the "_worser_ line;" called by christian name by
+their bed-maker; hold their tongues, in consideration of three weeks'
+arrears, at four shillings a week; and then _all's done_, and the
+inhabitant is complete.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ELEGANT PHRASES.
+
+There are people now-a-days who peruse with pleasure the works of Homer,
+Juvenal, and other poets and satirists of the old school; and it is not
+unlikely that centuries hence persons will be found turning back to the
+pages of the writers of the present day (especially PUNCH), and we rather
+just imagine they will be not a little puzzled and flabbergasted to
+discover the meaning, or wit, of some of those elegant phrases and figures
+of speech so generally used by this enlightened and reformed age! The
+following brief elucidation of a few of these may serve for present
+ignoramuses, and also for future inquirers.
+
+_That's the Ticket for Soup._--Is one of the commonest, and originated
+several years ago, we have discovered, after much study and research, when
+a portion of the inhabitants of this wicked lower globe were suffering
+under a malady, called by learned and scientific men "poverty," and were
+supplied by the rich and benevolent with a mixture of hot water, turnips,
+and a spice of beef, under the name of soup. There are two kinds of
+tickets for soups in existence in London at present--
+
+1. The Ticket for Turtle Soup, or a ticket to a Lord Mayor's Feast. It is
+only necessary to add, these are in much request.
+
+2. The Ticket for Mendicity Society Soup. Beggars and such-like members of
+society monopolize these tickets; and it has lately been discovered by a
+celebrated philanthropist that no respectable person was ever known to
+make use of one of them. This is a remarkable fact, and worthy the
+attention of the anti-monopolists. These tickets are bought and sold like
+merchandise, and their average value in the market is about one halfpenny.
+
+_How's your Mother._--This affectionate inquiry is generally coupled with
+
+_Has she Sold her Mangle._--"Mangling done here" is an announcement which
+meets the eye in several quarters of this metropolis; and when the last
+census was taken by the author of the "Lights and Shadows of London Life,"
+the important discovery was made that this branch of business is commonly
+carried on by old ladies. The importance (especially to the landlord) of
+the answer to this query is at once perceivable.
+
+We scarcely expect a monument to be raised to PUNCH for these discoveries;
+though if we had our deserts--but _verbum sap_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 13.
+
+  Yes! we have said the word adieu!
+    A blight has fallen on my soul!
+  And bliss, that angels never knew,
+    Is torn from me, by fate's control!
+  And yet the tear I shed at parting,
+  Was "all my eye and Betty Martin!"
+
+  And _thou_ hast sworn that never more
+    Thy heart shall bow to passion's spell;
+  But ever sadly ponder o'er
+    The anguish of our last farewell!
+  Yet, as you still are in your teens--
+  _I_ say, "tell that to the Marines!"
+
+  And still perchance thy faithful heart
+    May pine, and break, when I am gone!
+  While bitter tears, unbidden, start,
+    As oft thou musest--sad and lone!
+  I've read such things in many a tale--
+  But yet it's "very like a whale!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PEN AND PALETTE PORTRAITS.
+
+(TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.)
+
+BY ALPHONSE LECOURT.
+
+
+_Paris, Passage de l'Opera, Escalier B. au 3eme._
+
+MY DEAR PUNCH,
+
+I salute you with reverence--I embrace you with affection--I thank you
+with devout gratitude, for the many delightful moments I have enjoyed in
+your society. I regularly read your "London Charivari:" it is
+magnificent--superb! What wit--what _agacerie_--what exquisite badinage is
+contained in every line of it! You are the veritable monarch of English
+humour. Hail, then, great _fun-ambule_, PUNCH THE FIRST! Long may you
+live, to flourish your invincible baton, and to increase the number of
+your laughing subjects. Your "Physiology of the Medical Student" has been
+translated, and the avidity with which it is read here has suggested to me
+the idea that sketches of French character might be equally popular
+amongst English readers. With this hope I send yon the commencement of a
+Physiological and Pictorial Portrait of "THE LOVER." I have chosen him for
+my leading character, because his madness will be understood by the whole
+world. Love, _mon cher ami_, is not a local passion, it grows everywhere
+like--but I am anticipating my subject, which I now commit to your hands.
+
+With sentiments of the profoundest respect and esteem,
+
+ALPHONSE LECOURT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF THE LOVER.]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE AUTHOR DEDICATES HIS WORK TO THE FAIRER HALF OF THE CREATION.
+
+[Illustration: G]Gentle woman!--Beautiful enigma!--whose magnetic glances
+and countless charms subdue man's sterner nature--to you I dedicate the
+following pages. The subject on which I am about to treat is the gravest,
+the lightest, the most decided, the most undefined, the most earthly, the
+most spiritual, the saddest, and the gayest, the most individual, and at
+the same time the most universal you can imagine. To you, ladies, I
+address myself. You who form the keys on which the eternal and infinite
+gamut of love has been run from creation's first hour till the present
+moment--tell me how I may best touch the chords of your hearts? Come
+around me, ye earthly divinities of every age, rank, and imaginable
+variety! Buds of blushing sixteen, full-blown roses of thirty, haughty
+court dames, and smiling city beauties, come like delicious phantoms, and
+fill my mind with images graceful as your own forms, and melting as your
+own hearts! Thanks, gentle spirits! ye have heard my call, and now,
+inspired by you, I seize my pen, and give to my paper the thoughts which
+crowd upon my mind.
+
+
+WHAT IS LOVE?
+
+It is easier to answer this question by a thousand instances, than by one
+definition, which can comprehend them all. What is Love? It is anything
+you please. It is a prism, through which the eye beholds the same object
+in various colours; it is a heaven of bliss, or a hell of torture; a
+thirst of the heart--an appetite which we spiritualize; a pure expansion
+of the soul, but which sooner or later becomes metamorphosed into an
+animal passion--a diamond statue with feet of clay. It is a dream--a
+delirium, a desire for danger, and a hope of conquest; it is that which
+everyone abjures, and everyone covets; it is the end, the great end, and
+the only end of life. Love, in short, is a tyrannical influence which none
+can escape; and however metaphysicians may define the passion, it appears
+to me that it is wholly dependent on the mysterious
+
+[Illustration: LAWS OF ATTRACTION.]
+
+
+A FEW WORDS ABOUT YOUNG LADIES.
+
+A young lady, I mean one who has but recently thrown aside her dolls, is a
+bashful blushing little puppet, who only acts, speaks, and moves as mama
+directs. She is a statue of flesh and blood, not yet animated by the
+Promethean fire--a chrysalis, which may one day become a beautiful
+butterfly, fluttering on silken wing amidst a crowd of adorers; but she is
+yet only a chrysalis, pale and cold, and wrapped up in a thousand
+conventional restrictions, like a mummy in its swathes.
+
+The _very_ young lady is usually prodigiously careful of her little self:
+she regards men as her natural enemies. Poor innocent!--This absurdity is
+the fault of her education. They have made her believe that love is the
+most abominable, execrable, infernal thing in existence. They have taught
+her to lie and to dissimulate her most innocent emotions. But the time is
+not far distant when the natural impulses of her heart will break down the
+barriers that hypocrisy has placed around her. Woman was formed to love:
+she must obey the imperious law of her being, and will love the moment her
+inspirations for the _belle passion_ become stronger than her reason. I
+may add, also, that when a young lady discovers a tendency this way, it
+may be safely conjectured the object on which she will bestow her favour
+is not very distant.
+
+
+THE AUTHOR'S DIVISION OF HIS SYSTEM.
+
+It has been a long-established axiom that there is but one great principle
+of love; but then it assumes various phases, according to the thousands of
+circumstances under which it is exhibited, and which, to speak in the
+language of philosophy, it would be impossible to synthetise. Time, place,
+age, the very season of the year, the ruling passion, peace or war,
+education, the instincts of the heart, the health of the body and the mind
+(if it be possible for the latter to be in a sane state when we fall in
+love), the buoyancy of youth or the decrepitude of old age,--these, and
+numerous other causes which I cannot at present enumerate, serve to modify
+to infinity the form and character of the sentiment. Thus we do not love
+at eighteen as we do at forty, nor in the city as we do in the country,
+nor in spring as we do in autumn, nor in the camp as we do in the court;
+nor does the ignorant man love like a learned one; the merchant does not
+love like the lawyer; nor does the latter love like the doctor. It is upon
+these different phases in the character of love that I have founded my
+system. Next week I shall endeavour to describe some of the traits which
+distinguish "The Lover." Till then, fair readers,--I remain your devoted
+slave.
+
+WITNESS MY
+
+[Illustration: HAND AND SEAL.]
+
+[Illustration: Alph. Lecourt]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GRANT'S MEDITATIONS AMONG THE COFFEE-CUPS.
+
+We had long considered ourselves the funniest dogs in Christendee; and, in
+the plenitude of our vanity, imagined that we monopolised the attention
+and admiration of the present and the future. We expected to be deified,
+and thus become the founders of a new mythology. PUNCH must be immortal!
+But how shorn of his pristine splendour--how denuded of his fancied
+glories! for the _John Bull_ has discovered--
+
+GRANT'S LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE.
+
+Wretched as we must be at this reflection, we generously resort to--our
+scissors, and publish our own discomfiture.
+
+In alluding to the author's description of the London dining-room, the
+_John Bull_ remarks:--
+
+It will bring comfort to the savage bosoms of the late Ministry, for whose
+especial information we must make a few more extracts, concerning
+coffee-houses, or shops, as they are mostly termed.
+
+COFFEE SHOPS.
+
+The second class of coffee-houses, and those I have particularly in my
+eye, are altogether different from those I have just mentioned. The prices
+are remarkably moderate in most of these places; the charge is no more
+than three-halfpence for half a pint of coffee, or _threepence for a whole
+pint_. The price of half a pint of tea is twopence, _of a whole pint
+fourpence_. If you simply ask bread to your tea or coffee, two large
+slices, well buttered, are brought you, for which you are charged
+twopence. Or should you prefer having a penny roll, or any other sort of
+bread, you can have it at the same price as at the baker's.
+
+In most coffee-houses, you may also have chops or steaks for dinner. If
+the party be a _rigid economist(!)_ he may, as regards some of these
+_establishments_, purchase his steak or chop himself, and it will be
+prepared gratuitously for him; but if that be too much trouble for him to
+take, and he prefers ordering it at once, he will get, in many houses, his
+chop with bread and potatoes with it for sixpence, and his steak for
+ninepence or tenpence.
+
+These coffee-houses have many advantages over hotels, besides the great
+difference in the prices charged. In the first place, there is not so much
+_formality_ or _affected dignity_ about them, and they are far better
+provided with means of rational amusement; and the promptitude with which
+a customer is served is really surprising.
+
+Are not these passages declarations of the individual? Winding himself up
+with twopenny-worth of cheese! Pleading for the additional penny for the
+waitress, whose personal charms and obliging disposition must be
+considered to extort the amount! And above all, unable to conceive any
+motive, except aversion to trouble, for disliking to carry "his chop" upon
+a skewer through the streets of London. How every line revels in the
+recollection of having dined, and speaks how seldom! while the
+_well-buttered_ bread infers the usual fare. Still it is not meanly
+written. There are a glorying and exultation in every word that redeem it,
+and show the author is more to be envied than compassionated; though a
+little further on we perceive the shifts to which his homeless state has
+reduced him.
+
+MEDITATION IN LONDON.
+
+You can order, if you please, a cup of coffee without anything to it; and,
+for so doing, you may sit if you wish for five or six hours in succession.
+
+I have said that coffee-houses are excellent places for reading; I might
+have added, for _meditation_ also. For unlike public-houses, there are no
+noisy discussions and disputes in them. All is calm, tranquil, and
+comfortable. The beverage, too, which is drank as a beverage, as I before
+remarked in a previous chapter, _cheers, but not inebriates_.
+
+The remarks are generally equally original, and the facts, no doubt in
+some degree truths, are all alike humorous; the more so when the aspect of
+the book and the names of the respectable publishers suggest the higher
+class of readers to whom it is addressed. Little anecdotes are
+interspersed, concerning Harriet, of Coventry-street, who didn't mind her
+stops; and James, behind the Mansion-house, who knew everybody's appetite,
+that enliven the descriptive portions of the work, which is in its very
+inappropriateness the more amusing, and cannot be read without reaping
+both information and instruction on topics which no other author would
+have had the temerity to discuss.
+
+But these are only words. Let PUNCH, the rival of this Caledonian
+Asmodeus, do justice to the man whose "character is stamped on every page
+(of his own), who yet is above pity; poor, yet full of enjoyment; humble,
+yet glorious; ignorant, yet confident."
+
+[Illustration: GRANT'S MEDITATIONS AMONG THE COFFEE-CUPS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MONEY MARKET.
+
+Tin is 14 per cwt. in London, and this, allowing a fraction for wear and
+tear, gives an exchange of 94 36-27ths in favour of Hamburgh.
+
+The money market is much easier this week, and bills (play-bills) were to
+be had in large quantities. A large capitalist who holds turnpike tickets
+to a large amount, caused much confusion by letting some pass from his
+hands, when they flew about with alarming rapidity. Several persons seemed
+desirous of taking them up, but a rush of bulls (from Smithfield) rendered
+this quite impossible.
+
+Whitechapel scrip was done at 000 _premium_; but in the course of the day
+00000 discount was freely offered.
+
+This was settling day, when many parties paid the scores they had been
+running at the cook-shop opposite. There was only one defaulter, and as it
+was not anticipated he would come up to the mark; for he had been chalking
+up rather largely of late: nothing was said about it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A DICTIONARY FOR THE LADIES.
+
+PUNCH,
+
+Solicitous to maintain and enhance that reputation for gallantry towards
+his fair readers which it has ever been his pride to have merited, has
+much pleasure, not unmixed with self-congratulation, in thus announcing to
+the loveliest portion of the creation the immediate appearance of
+
+A DICTIONARY ENTIRELY AND EXCLUSIVELY FOR THEIR USE;
+
+in which the signification of every word will he given in a strictly
+feminine sense, and the orthography, as a point of which ladies like to be
+properly independent, will be studiously suppressed. The whole to be
+compiled and edited by
+
+MADAME PUNCH.
+
+To which will be appended a little Manual addressed confidentially by
+PUNCH himself to the Ladies, and entitled
+
+TEN MINUTES' ADVICE ON THE CARE AND USE OF A HUSBAND;
+
+or "what to ask, and how to insist upon it, so that the obstreperous
+bridegroom may become a meek and humble husband."
+
+SPECIMEN OF THE WORK.
+
+_Husband_.--A person who writes cheques, and dresses as his wife directs.
+
+_Duck_, _in ornithology_.--A trussed bridegroom, with his giblets under his
+arm.
+
+_Brute_.--A domestic endearment for a husband.
+
+_Marriage_.--The only habit to which women are constant.
+
+_Lover_.--Any young man but a brother-in-law.
+
+_Clergyman_.--One alternative of a lover.
+
+_Brother_.--The other alternative.
+
+_Honeymoon_.--A wife's opportunity.
+
+_Horrid_; _Hideous_.--Terms of admiration elicited by the sight of a lovely
+face anywhere but in the looking-glass.
+
+_Nice_; _Dear_.--Expressions of delight at anything, from a baby to a
+barrel-organ.
+
+_Appetite_.--A monstrous abortion, which is stifled in the kitchen, that
+it may not exist during dinner.
+
+_Wrinkle_.--The first thing one lady sees in another's face.
+
+_Time_.--What any lady remarks in a watch, but what none detect in the
+gross.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOUP, A LA JULIEN.
+
+A correspondent of the _Sunday Times_ proposes to raise ten thousand for
+the benefit of the labouring classes, in the following manner:--
+
+"Upon a _prima facie_ view, my suggestion may appear impracticable, but I
+am sure the above amount could be raised for the benefit of the labouring
+classes by one effort of royalty--an effort that would make our valued
+Queen invaluable, and, at the same time, afford the Ministry an
+opportunity of making themselves popular in the cause of their country's
+good. Westminster Hall is acknowledged to be the largest room in the
+empire, and, with very little expense, might be fitted up with a temporary
+throne, &c., for promenade concerts, for one, two, or three, days. All the
+vocal and instrumental talent of the day would be obtained gratis, and Her
+Most Gracious Majesty's presence, for only two hours on each day, with the
+admission tickets at one guinea, would produce more money than I have
+mentioned." Would the above amiable philanthropist favour us with his
+likeness? We imagine it would be a splendid
+
+[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT OF HOOKEY WALKER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+POLITICAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+SIR ROBERT PEEL was observed to put a penny into the hands of the man at
+the crossing in Downing-street. It is anticipated, from this trifling
+circumstance, that _sweeping_ measures will be introduced on the
+assembling of Parliament.
+
+A deputation from the marrow-bones and cleavers waited on Lord Stanley at
+the Treasury. His lordship listened attentively for some minutes, and then
+abruptly left the apartment in which he had been sitting.
+
+We understand that Colonel Sibthorp intends proposing an economical plan
+of church extension, that is to cost nothing to the public; for it
+suggests that churches should be built of Indian rubber, by which their
+extension would become a matter of the greatest facility.
+
+It is rumoured that the deficiency in the revenue is to be made up by a
+tax on the incomes of literary men; and a per-centage on the profits of
+_Martinuzzi_ will first be levied by way of experiment. Should it succeed,
+a duty will be laid on the produce of _The Cloak and the Bonnet._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LATE PROMOTIONS.
+
+The whole of the police force take one step forward, on account of the
+late very liberal brevet.
+
+Sergeant Snooks, of the Royal Heavy Highlows, to be raised to the Light
+Wellingtons.
+
+Policemen K 482,611, to be restored to the staff by having his staff
+restored to him, which had been taken from him for misconduct.
+
+Corporal Smuggins, 16th Foot, to be Sergeant by purchase, _vice_ Buggins,
+arrested for debt.
+
+All the _post_ captains, who were formerly Twopennies, will take the rank
+of Generals.
+
+In the Thames Navy, 2d mate Simpkins, of the _Bachelor_, to be 1st mate,
+_vice_ Phunker, fallen overboard and resigned.
+
+All the men who are above the age of 100, and are in the actual discharge
+of duty as policemen, are to be immediately superannuated on half-pay--a
+liberal arrangement, prompted, it is believed, by the birth of the Prince
+of Wales.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+NORMA, OSSIAN, AND PAUL BEDFORD.
+
+A vestal virgin with a husband and two children, a Roman Lothario, with an
+Irish friend, a Druidical temple, a gong, and an _auto-da-fe_, mix up
+charmingly with Bellini's quadrille-like music to form a pathetic opera;
+and sympathetic _dilettanti_ weep over the woes of "Norma," because they
+are so exquisitely portrayed by Miss Kemble, in spite of the subject and
+the music. Such, indeed, is the power of this lady's genius--which is shed
+like a halo over the whole opera--that nobody laughs at the broad Irish in
+which _Flavius_ delivers himself and his recitative; few are risibly
+affected by the apathetic, and often out-of-tune, roarings of
+_Pollio_:--than which stronger testimony could not be cited of the triumph
+of Miss Kemble; for solely by her influence do those who go to
+Covent-Garden to grin, return delighted.
+
+But Apollo himself could not charm away the rich fun that pervades the
+English adaptation; nor the modest humour of its preface. It has been,
+hitherto, one characteristic of the lyric drama to consist of verse; rhyme
+has been thought not wholly dispensable. Those, however, who are "familiar
+with the writings of Ossian," (and the works of the Covent-Garden adapter),
+will, according to the preface, at once see the fallacy of this. Rhyme is
+mere "jingle,"--rhythm, rhodomontade,--metre, monstrous,--versification,
+villanous,--in short, Ossian did not write poetry, neither does this
+learned prefacier--so it's all nonsense!
+
+To burlesque such a work as "Norma," then, is to paint the lily, to gild
+refined gold, to caricature Lord Morpeth, or to attempt to improve PUNCH.
+Yet the opportunity was too tempting to be wholly overlooked, and a hint
+having been dropped in one of our "Pencillings," an Adelphi scribe has
+acted upon it. An enlarged edition of the work may, therefore, now be had
+at half-price. A heroine of six foot two or three in her sandals, with a
+bass voice, covers the stage with tremendous strides, and warbles out "her
+wood-notes" (being a Druidess she worships the _oak_) "wild," with a
+volume of voice which silences the trombone, and makes the ophecleide
+sound asthmatic. In short, the great feature is Mr. Paul Bedford. The
+children he brings forward are worthy of their parentage. _Pollio_ is made
+a most killing Roman _roue_ by Mrs. Grattan; but _Norma's_ attendant does
+not speak Irish half so richly as the Covent-Garden _Flavius_.
+
+But, above all, commend we Mr. Wright's _Adelgeisa_. It is a masterpiece;
+all the airs and graces of the _prima donna_ he imitates with a true
+spirit of burlesque. As to his singing, it astonished everybody, and so
+did the introduction of "All round my Hat,"--a most unnecessary
+interpolation, for the original music is quite as droll.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, December 11, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14940.txt or 14940.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/4/14940/
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.