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diff --git a/14937.txt b/14937.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b2c941a --- /dev/null +++ b/14937.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2216 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 20, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 20, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14937] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 20, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +MYSELF, PUNCH, AND THE KEELEYS. + +I dined with my old friend and schoolfellow, Jack Withers, one day last +September. On the previous morning, on my way to the India House, I had +run up against a stout individual on Cornhill, and on looking in his face +as I stopped for a moment to apologise, an abrupt "This is surely Jack +Withers," burst from my lips, followed by--"God bless me! Will Bayfield!" +from his. After a hurried question or two, we shook hands warmly and +parted, with the understanding that I was to cut my mutton with him next +day. + +Seventeen years had elapsed since Withers and I had seen or heard of each +other. Having a good mercantile connexion, he had pitched upon commerce as +his calling, and entered a counting-house in Idollane in the same year +that I, a raw young surgeon, embarked for India to seek my fortune in the +medical service of the East India Company. + +Things had gone well with honest Jack; from a long, thin, weazel of a +youngster, he had become a burly ruddy-faced gentleman, with an aldermanic +rotundity of paunch, which gave the world assurance that his ordinary fare +by no means consisted of deaf nuts; he had already, as he told me, +accumulated a very pretty independence, which was yearly increasing, and +was, moreover, a snug bachelor, with a well-arranged residence in +Finsbury-square; in short, it was evident that Jack was "a fellow with two +coats and everything handsome about him." + +As for me, I was a verification of the adage about the rolling stone; +having gathered a very small quantity of "moss," in the shape of worldly +goods. I had spent sixteen years in marching and countermarching over the +thirsty plains of the Carnatic, in medical charge of a native +regiment--salivating Sepoys and blowing out with blue pills the +officers--until the effects of a stiff jungle-fever, that nearly made me +proprietor of a landed property measuring six feet by two, sent me back to +England almost as poor as I had left it, and with an atrabilarious visage +which took a two-months' course of Cheltenham water to scour into anything +like a decent colour. + +Withers' dinner was in the best taste: viands excellent--wine superb; +never did I sip racier Madeira, and the Champagne trickled down one's +throat with the same facility that man is inclined to sin. + +The cloth drawn, we fell to discoursing about old times, things, persons, +and places. Jack then told me how from junior clerk he had risen to become +second partner in the firm to which he belonged; and I, in my turn, +enlightened his mind with respect to Asiatic Cholera, Runjeet Sing, +Ghuzni, tiger-shooting, and Shah Soojah. + +In this manner the evening slid pleasantly on. An array of six bottles, +that before dinner had contained the juice of Oporto, stood empty on the +sideboard. Jack wanted to draw another cork, which, however, I positively +forbad, as I have through life made it a rule to avoid the slightest +approach towards excess in tippling; so, after a modest brace of glasses +of brandy-and-water, I shook hands with and left my friend about half-past +nine, for I am an old-fashioned fellow, and love early hours, my usual +time for turning in being ten. + +When I got into the street an unaccustomed spirit of gaiety at once took +possession of me; my general feelings of benevolence and goodwill towards +all mankind appeared to have received a sudden and marvellous increase. I +seemed to tread on eider-down, and, cigar in mouth, strolled along +Fleet-street and the Strand, towards my domicile in Half-Moon +street--"nescio quid meditans nugarum"--sometimes humming the fag end of +an Irish melody; anon stopping to stare in a print-shop window; and then I +would trudge on, chewing the cud of sweet and bitter fancy as I conned +over the various ups and downs that had chequered my life since Jack +Withers and I were thoughtless lads together "a long time ago." + +In this mood I found myself standing before the New Strand Theatre, my +attention having been arrested by the word PUNCH blazoned in large letters +on a play-bill. + +"What can this mean?" quoth I to myself. "I know a publication called +Punch very well, but I never heard of a performance so named. I'll go in +and see it. Who knows but it may be an avatar[1] of the Editor of that +illustrious periodical, who condescends to discard his dread incognito for +the nonce, in order to exhibit himself, for one night only, to the eyes +and understandings of admiring London." + + [1] The Avatar we do not allow--the illustrious periodical we + do.--ED. OF PUNCH. + +In another minute I was seated in the boxes, and found a crowded audience +in full enjoyment of the quiet waggery of Keeley, who was fooling them to +the top of their bent, accoutred from top to toe as Mynheer Punch the +Great, while his clever little wife--who, by the way, possesses, I think, +more of the "vis comica" than any actress of the day--caused sides to +shake and eyes to water by her naive and humorous delineation of Mrs. +Snozzle. + +The curtain had hardly fallen more than a couple of minutes, when a door +behind me opened hastily, and a box-keeper thrusting in his head, called +out--"Is there a medical man here?" "I am one," said I, getting up; +"anything the matter?" "Come with me then, sir, if you please," said he; +"a severe accident has just happened to Mrs. Keeley; a falling scene has +struck her head, sir, and hurt her dreadfully." + +"Good heavens!" said I, much shocked; "I will come immediately." + +I followed the man to the stage door, and was ushered into a dressing-room +with several people in it, where, extended on a sofa, lay the unfortunate +lady, whom I had but a few minutes before seen full of life and spirits, +delighting hundreds with her unrivalled humour and _espieglerie_,--there +she lay, in the same fantastic dress she had worn on the stage, pale as +death--a quantity of blood flowing from a fearful wound on her head, and +uttering those low quick moans which are indicative of extreme suffering. + +Poor little Keeley stood beside the couch, holding her hand; he was still +in full fig as _Polichinel_; and the grotesqueness of his attire +contrasted strangely with the anguish depicted on his countenance. As I +came forward, he slowly made way for me--looked in my face imploringly, as +if to gather from its expression some gleam of hope, and then stood aside, +in an attitude of profound dejection. + +Having felt the sufferer's pulse, I was about to turn her head gently, in +order to examine the nature of the wound, when a hustling noise behind me +causing me to turn round, to my infinite dismay, I perceived Mr. Keeley, +having pushed the bystanders on one side, in the act of performing a kind +of Punchean dance upon the floor, accompanying himself with the vigorous +chuckling and crowing peculiar to the hero whose habiliments he wore. I +was horror-stricken--conceiving that grief had suddenly turned his brain. + +All at once, he made a spring towards me, and, seizing my arm, thrust me +into a corner of the room, where he held me fast, exclaiming-- + +"Wretch! villain! restore me my wife--that talented woman your infernal +arts have destroyed! You did for her!" + +"Mr. Keeley," said I, struggling to release myself from his grasp--"my +dear sir, pray compose yourself." + +"Unhappy traitor!" he shouted, giving me an unmerciful tweak by the nose; +"Look at her silver skin laced with her golden blood!--see, see! Oh, see!" + +This was rather too much, even from a man whose wits were astray. I began +to lose patience, and was preparing to rid myself somewhat roughly of the +madman's grasp, when a new phenomenon occurred. + +The patient on the sofa, whom I had judged well nigh moribund, and +consequently incapable of any effort whatever, all at once sat up with a +sudden jerk, and gave vent to a series of the most ear-piercing shrieks +that ever assailed human tympanum. + +_"Oh! oh! Mon Dieu! je suis etouffee! levez-vous donc, +monsieur--n'avez-vous pas honte!"_ + +I started up--O misery!--I had fallen asleep, and my head, resting against +a pillar, had slipped down, depositing itself upon the expansive bosom of +a portly French dame in the next box, who seemed, by her vehement +exclamations, to be quite shaken from the balance of her propriety by the +unlooked-for burthen I had imposed upon her; whilst a _petit monsieur_ +poured forth a string of _sacres_ and _sapristies_ upon my devoted head +with a volubility of utterance truly astonishing. + +I gazed about me with troubled and lack-lustre eye. Every lorgnette in the +boxes was levelled at my miserable countenance; a sea of upturned and +derisive faces grinned at me from the pit, and the gods in Olympus +thundered from on high--"Turn him out; he's drunk!" + +This was the unkindest cut of all--thus publicly to be accused of +intoxication, a vice of all others I have ever detested and eschewed. + +I cast one indignant glance around me, and left the theatre, lamenting the +depravity of our nature, which is, alas! always ready to put the worst +construction upon actions in themselves most innocent; for if I had gone +to sleep in my own arm-chair, pray who would have accused me of inebriety? + +How I got home I know not. As I hurried through the streets, a legion of +voices, in every variety of intonation, yelled in my ears--"Turn him +out--he's drunk!" and when I woke in the middle of the night, tormented by +a raging thirst (produced, I suppose, by the flurry of spirits I had +undergone), I seemed to hear screams, groans, and hisses, above all which +predominated loud and clear the malignant denunciation--"Turn him +out--he's drunk!" + +Upon my subsequently mentioning the above adventure to Jack Withers, it +will hardly be credited that this villain without shame at once roundly +asserted that, when I left him on the afore-mentioned night, I was at +least three sheets and three quarters in the wind; adding with +praiseworthy candour, that he himself was so far gone as to be obliged, to +the infinite scandal of his staid old housekeeper, to creep up stairs _a +quatre pieds_, in order to gain his bedroom. + +Now this latter may be true enough, for it is probable that friend Jack +freshened his nip a trifle after my departure, seeing that he was always +something of a drunken knave. As for his calumnious and scandalous +declaration, that _I_ was in the least degree tipsy, it is too ridiculous +to be noticed. I scorn it with my heels--I was sober--sober, cool, and +steady as the north star; and he that is inclined to question this solemn +asseveration, let him send me his card; and if I don't drill a hole in his +doublet before he's forty-eight hours older, then, as honest Slender has +it, "I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else." + + * * * * * + + +"ARE YE SURE THE NEWS IS TRUE?" + +We learn from good authority that Lord TAMBOFF STANLEY, in answer to a +deputation from Scotland, assured the gentlemen who waited upon him that +"the subject of _emigration_ was under the serious consideration of Her +Majesty's Ministers." We hope that those respectable gentlemen may soon +resolve upon their departure--we care not "what clime they wander to, so +not again to _this_;" or, as Shakspeare says, let them "stand not upon the +order of their going, but GO." The country, we take it upon ourselves to +say, will remember them when they are gone; they have left the nation too +many weighty proofs of their regard to be forgotten in a +hurry--Corruption, Starvation, and Taxation, and the National Debt by way +of + +[Illustration: A HANDSOME LEG--I SEE (LEGACY).] + + * * * * * + + +A DOSE OF CASTOR. + +Peter Borthwick, late of the Royal Surrey Nautical, having had the honour +of "deep damnation" conferred upon his "taking off" the character of +Prince Henry, upon that occasion, to appear in unison with the text of the +Immortal Bard, "dressed" the part in a most elaborate "neck-or-nothing +tile." Upon being expostulated with by the manager, he triumphantly +referred to the description of the chivalrous Prince in which the narrator +particularly states-- + +[Illustration: I SAW YOUNG HARRY WITH HIS BEAVER ON.] + + * * * * * + + +CUTTING AT THE ROOT OF THE EVIL. + +"Good heavens, Sir Peter," said Hobler, confidentially, to our dearly +beloved Alderman, "How could you have passed such a ridiculous sentence +upon Jones, as to direct his hair to be cut off?" "All right, my dear +Hobby," replied the sapient justice; "the fellow was found fighting in the +streets, and I wanted to hinder him, at least for some time, from again + +[Illustration: COMING TO THE SCRATCH."] + + * * * * * + + +TO PUNCH. + +We have received the following choice bit of poetic pathology from our old +friend and jolly dog Toby, who, it seems, has taken to medicine. The dog, +however, always had a great propensity to _bark_, owing doubtlessly to the +strong _tincture_ of _canine_ there was in his constitution:-- + + +MY DEAR PUNCH, + +Nothing convinces me more of my treacherous memory than my not +recollecting you at the memorable "New-boot Supper;" for I certainly must +have been as long in that society as yourself. Be that as it may, you have +induced me to scrape together a few reminiscences in an imperfect way, +leaving to you, from your better recollection, to correct and flavour the +specimen to the palate of your readers, who have, most deservedly, every +reliance upon your good taste and moral tendency. I have in vain tried to +meet with the music of "the good old days of Adam and Eve," consequently +have lost the enjoyment of the chorus--"Sing hey, sing ho!" It would be +too much to ask you to sing it, but perhaps you may too-te-too it in your +next. May your good intentions to the would-be AEsculapius be attended with +success.--I remain, dear Punch, your old friend, + +TOBY. + + +ASCITES. + + Abdomen swell'd, which fluctuates when struck upon the side, sirs; + Face pale and puff'd, and worse than that, with thirst and cough + beside, sirs; + Skin dry, and breathing difficult, and pains in epigastrium, + And watchfulness or partial sleep, with dreams would strike the + bravest dumb. + To cure--restore the balance of exhalants and absorbents, + With squill, blue-pill, and other means to soothe the patient's + torments. + + GRINDER. + + Sure this is not your climax, sir, to save from Davy's locker! + + STUDENT. + + Way, no,--I'd then with caution tap--when first I'd tied the knocker. + Sing hey! sing ho! if you cannot find a new plan, + In Puseyistic days like these, you'd better try a New-man. + + +TYMPANITIS. + + The swelling here is different--sonorous, tense, elastic; + On it you might a tattoo beat, with fingers or with a stick. + There's costiveness and atrophy, with features Hippocratic; + When these appear, there's much to fear, all safety is erratic. + Although a cordial laxative, mix'd up with some carminative, + Might be prescribed, with morphia, or hops, to keep the man alive; + Take care his diet's nutritive, avoiding food that's flatulent, + And each week let him have a dose of Punch from Mr. Bryant sent. + Sing hey! sing ho! &c. + + * * * * * + + +ALARMING PROSPECTS FOR THE COUNTRY. + +It appears that no less than _one hundred and sixty-four_ Attorneys have +given notice of their intention to practise in the Court of Queen's Bench; +and _eleven_ of the fraternity have applied to be re-admitted Attorneys of +the Court. We had no idea that such an alarming extension was about taking +place in + +[Illustration: THE RIFLE CORPS.] + + * * * * * + + +"ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER." + + A poor man went to hang himself, + But treasure chanced to find; + He pocketed the miser's pelf + And left the rope behind. + + His money gone, the miser hung + Himself in sheer despair: + Thus each the other's wants supplied, + And that was surely fair. + + * * * * * + + +We understand that Mr. Webster has solicited Sir Peter Laurie to make an +early debut at the Haymarket Theatre in the _Heir_ (hair) _at Law_. + +Madame Vestris has also endeavoured to prevail upon the civic mercy. +Andrew to appear in the afterpiece of the _Rape of the Lock_. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + + +CHAPTER X. + +WHEREIN THE READER WILL FIND GREAT CAUSE FOR REJOICING. + + +[Illustration: C]Conducive as Uncle Peter's suggestion might have been to +the restoration of peace in the family of our hero, it was decided to be +impracticable by several medical gentlemen, who were consulted upon the +matter. After sundry scenes of maternal and grandmaternal distress, +Agamemnon succeeded in obtaining the victory, and the heir was vaccinated +accordingly with the most favourable result. The pustule rose, budded, +blossomed, and disappeared, exactly as it ought to have done, and a few +days saw the health of the infant Applebite insured in the office of Dr. +Jenner. + +Scarcely had the anxious parents been relieved by this auspicious +termination, when that painful disorder which renders pork unwholesome and +children fractious, made its appearance. Had we the plague-pen of the +romancist of Rookwood, we would revel in the detail of this domesticated +pestilence--we would picture the little sufferer in the hour of its +agony--and be as minute as Mr. Hume in our calculations of its feverish +pulsations; but our quill was moulted by the dove, not plucked from the +wing of the carrion raven. + +And now, gentle reader, we come to a point of this history which we are +assured has been anxiously looked forward to by you--a point at which the +reader, already breathless with expectation, has fondly anticipated being +suffocated with excitement. We may, without vanity, lay claim to +originality, for we have introduced a new hero into the world of +fiction--a baby three months old--we have traced his happy parents from +the ball-room to St. George's church; from St. George's church to the +ball-room; thence to the doctor's; and from thence to + +THE END. + +Reproach us not, mamas?--Discard us not, ye blushing divinities who have, +with your sex's softness, dandled the heir of Applebite in your +imaginations!--Wait!--Wait till we have explained! We have a motive; but +as we are novices in this style of literature, we will avail ourselves, at +our leave-taking, of the valedictory address of one who is more "up to the +swindle." + + +_To the Readers of the Heir of Applebite._ + +DEAR FRIENDS,--Having finished the infanto-biography upon which we have +been engaged, it is our design to cut off our heir, and bring our tale to +a close. You may want to know why--or if you don't, we will tell you. + +We should not regard the anxiety, the close confinement, or the constant +attention inseparable from a nursery, did we feel that the result was +agreeable to you. But we have not done so. We have been strongly tempted +to think, that after waiting from week to week, you have never arrived at +anything interesting. We could not bear this jerking of our conscience, +which was no sooner ended than begun again. + +Most "passages in a tale of _any length_ depend materially for the +interest on the intimate relation they bear to what has gone before, or +what is to follow." We sometimes found it difficult to accomplish this. + +Considerations of immediate profit ought, in such cases, to be of +secondary importance; but, for the reasons we have just mentioned, we have +(after some pains to resist the temptation) determined to abandon this +_scheme_ of publication. + +Taking advantage of the respite which the close of this work will afford +us, we have decided in January next to rent a second floor at Kentish +Town. + +The pleasure we anticipate from the realisation of a wish we have long +entertained and long hoped to gratify, is subdued by the reflection that +we shall find it somewhat difficult to emancipate our moveables from the +thraldom of Mrs. Gibbons, our respected but over-particular landlady. + +To console the numerous readers of PUNCH, we have it in command to +announce, that on Saturday, Nov. 27th, the first chapter of a series under +the title of the "Puff Papers," appropriately illustrated, will be +commenced, with a desire to supply the hiatus in periodical fiction, +occasioned by the temporary seclusion of one of the most popular novelists +of the day. + +Dear friends, farewell! Should we again desire to resume the pen, we trust +at your hands we shall not have to encounter a + +[Illustration: DISPUTED RETURN.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LAMBETH DEMOSTHENES. + +We are happy to find that Dr. Tully Cicero Burke Sheridan Grattan Charles +Phillips Hobler Bedford has not been deterred by the late unsatisfactory +termination to the "public meeting" called by him to address the Queen, +from prosecuting his patriotic views for his own personal advantage. Dr. +&c. Bedford has kindly furnished us with the report of a meeting called by +himself, which consisted of himself, for the purpose of considering the +propriety of petitioning the Throne to appoint himself to be +medical-adviser-in-general to her Majesty, and vaccinator-in-particular to +his little Highness the Prince of Wales. + +At 10 o'clock precisely Dr. &c. Bedford entered the little back parlour of +his surgery, and advancing to the looking-glass over the mantel-piece, +made a polite bow to the reflection of himself. After a few complimentary +gestures had passed between them, Dr &c. Bedford hemmed twice, and in a +very elegant speech proposed that "Doctor &c. Bedford _shoold_ take the +_cheer_." + +Dr. &c. Bedford rose to second the proposition. Dr. &c. Bedford said, "Dr. +&c. Bedford is a gentleman what I have had the honour of knowing on for +many long ears. His medikel requirement are sich as ris a Narvey and a +Nunter to the summut of the temples of Fame. His political requisitions +are summarily extinguished. It is, therefore, with no common pride that I +second this abomination." + +Dr. &c. Bedford then bowed to his reflection in the glass, and proceeded +to take his seat in his easy chair, thumping the table with one hand, and +placing the other gracefully upon his breast, as though in token of +gratitude for the honour conferred upon him. + +Order being restored, Dr. &c. Bedford rose and said,-- + +"I never kotched myself in sich a sitchuation in my life--I mean not that +I hasn't taken a cheer afore, perhaps carried one--but it never has been +my proud extinction to preside over such a meeting--so numerous in its +numbers and suspectable in its appearance. My friend, Dr. &c. Bedford, +(_Hear, hear! from. Dr. &c. Bedford_,) his the hornament of natur in this +19th cemetary. His prodigious outlays"-- + +_Voice without_.--"Here they are, only a penny!" + +Dr. &c. Bedford.--"Order, order! His--his--you know what I mean that +shoold distinguish the fisishun and the orator. I may say the Solus of +orators,--renders him the most fittest and the most properest person to +take care of the Royal health, and the Royal Infant Babby of these +regions," (_Hear, hear! from Dr. &c. Bedford_.) + +The Doctor then proceeded to embody the foregoing observations into a +resolution, which was proposed by Dr. &c. Bedford, and seconded by Dr. &c. +Bedford, who having held up both his hands, declared it to be carried +_nem. con._ + +Dr. &c. Bedford then proposed a vote of thanks to Dr, &c. Bedford for his +conduct in the chair. The meeting then dispersed, after Dr. &c. Bedford +had returned thanks, and bowed to his own reflection in the looking-glass. + + * * * * * + + +A LEGEND OF THE TOWER (NOT LONDON). + +In the immediate vicinity of the pretty little town of Kells stands one of +those peculiar high round towers, the origin of which has so long puzzled +the brains of antiquaries. It is invariably pointed out to the curious, as +a fit subject for their contemplation, and may, in fact, be looked upon as +the great local lion of the place. It appears almost inaccessible. But +there is a story extant, and told in very choice Irish, how two small +dare-devil urchins did succeed in reaching its lofty summit; and this is +the way the legend was done into English by one Barney Riley, the +narrator, to whom I am indebted for its knowledge:-- + +"You see Masther Robert, sir,--though its murduring high, and almost +entirely quite aqual in stapeness to the ould ancient Tower of Babel, yet, +sir, there is them living now as have been at the top of that same; be the +same token I knew both o' the spalpeens myself. It's grown up they are +now; but whin they wint daws'-nesting to the top there, the little +blackguards weren't above knee-high, if so much." + +"But how did they arrive at the summit?" + +"That's the wonder of it! but sure nobody knows but themselves; but the +scamps managed somehow or other to insart themselves in through one of +them small loopholes--whin little Danny Carroll gave Tom Sheeney a leg up +and a back, and Tom Sheeney hauled little Danny up after him by the scruff +o' the neck; and so they wint squeedging and scrummaging on till, by dad, +they was up at the tip-top in something less than no time; and the trouble +was all they had a chance o' gettin for their pains; for, by the hokey, +the daws' nest they had been bruising their shins, breaking their necks, +and tearing their frieze breeches to tatters to reach, was on the outside +o' the building, and about as hard to get at as truth, or marcy from a +thafe of a tythe proctor. + +"'Hubbabboo,' says little Danny; 'we are on the wrong side now, as Pat +Murphy's carroty wig was whin it came through his hat; what will we do, at +all, at all?' + +"'Divil a know I know. It would make a parson swear after takin' tythe. Do +you hear the vagabones? Oh, then musha, bad luck to your cawings; its +impedence, and nothing but it, to be shouting out in defiance of us, you +dirty bastes. Danny, lad, you're but a little thrifle of a gossoon; +couldn't you squeedge yourself through one o' them holes?' + +"'What will I stand--or, for the matter o' that, as I'm by no manes +particular,--sit upon, whin I git out--that is, if I can?' + +"'Look here, lad, hear a dacent word--it will be just the dandy thing for +yes entirely; go to it with a will, and make yourself as small as a little +cock elven, and thin we'll have our revenge upon them aggravation thaves.' +How the puck he done it nobody knows; but by dad there was his little, +ragged, red poll, followed by the whole of his small body, seen coming out +o' that trap-loop there, that doesn't look much bigger than a +button-hole--and thin sitting astride the ould bit of rotten timbers, and +laffing like mad, was the tiny Masther Danny, robbing the nests, and +shouting with joy as he pulled bird after bird from their nate little +feather-beds. 'This is elegant,' says he; 'here's lashins of 'em.' + +"'How many have you,' says Tom Sheeney. + +"'Seven big uns--full fledged, wid feathers as black as the priest's +breeches on a Good Friday's fast.' + +"'Seven is it?' + +"'It is.' + +"'Well, then, hand them in.' + +"'By no manes.' + +"'Why not?' + +"'Seein they're as well wid me as you. + +"'Give me my half then--that's your'-- + +"'Aisy wid you; who's had the trouble and the chance of breaking his +good-looking neck but me, Mr. Tim Sheeney.' + +"'Devil a care I care; I'll have four, or I'll know why.' + +"'That you'll soon do: I won't give 'em you.' + +"'Aint I holding the wood?' + +"'By coorse you are; but aint I sitting outside upon it, and by the same +token unseating my best breeches.' + +"'I bid you take care; give me four.' + +"'Ha, ha! what a buck your granny was, Mistet Tim Sheeney; it's three +you'll have, or none.' + +"'Then by the puck I'll let you go.' + +"'I defy you to do it, you murdering robber.' + +"'Do you! by dad; once more, give me four.' + +"'To blazes wid you; three or none.' + +"'Then there you go!' + +"And, worse luck, sure enough he did, and that at the devil's own pace. + +"At this moment I turned my eyes in horror to the Tower, and the height +was awful." + +"Poor child,--of course he was killed upon the spot?" + +"There's the wonder; not a ha'porth o' harm did the vagabone take at all +at all. He held on by the birds' legs like a little nagur; he was but a +shimpeen of a chap, and what with the flapping of their wings and the soft +place he fell upon, barring a little thrifle of stunning, and it may be a +small matter of fright, he was as comfortable as any one could expect +under the circumstances; but it would have done your heart good to see the +little gossoon jump up, shake his feathers, and shout out at the top of +his small voice, 'Tim Sheeney, you thief, you'd better have taken the +three,--for d--n the daw do you get now!'" And so ends the Legend of the +Round Tower. + + * * * * * + + +IRISH INTELLIGENCE. + +AWFUL STATE OF THE COUNTRY! + +(_From our own Correspondent._) + +We are at length enabled to inform the Public that we have, at a vast +expense, completed our arrangements for the transmission of the earliest +news from Ireland. We have just received the _Over-bog Mail_, which +contains facts of a most interesting nature. We hasten to lay our +sagacious correspondent's remarks before our readers:-- + + +_Bally-ha-ghadera, Tuesday Night_. + +PUNCH will appreciate my unwillingness to furnish him with intelligence +which might in any way disturb the commercial relations between this and +the sister island, more particularly at the _present crisis_, when the +interests of that prosperous class, the London Baked Potatoe vendors, are +so intimately connected, with the preservation of good feeling among the +Tipperary growers. However, my duty to PUNCH and the public compel me to +speak.--I do feel that we are on the eve of a great popular commotion. +Every day's occurrences strengthen my conviction. Bally-ha-ghadera was +this morning at sunrise disturbed by noises of the most appalling kind, +forming a wild chorus, in which screams and bellowings seemed to vie for +supremacy; indeed words cannot adequately describe this terrific +disturbance. As I expected, the depraved Whig Journalist, with +characteristic mental tortuosity, has asserted that the sounds proceeded +from a rookery in the adjoining wood, aided by the braying of the +turf-man's donkey. But an enlightened public will see through this paltry +subterfuge. Rooks and donkeys! Pooh! There cannot be a doubt but that the +noises were the preparatory war-whoops of this ferocious and sanguinary +people. We believe the Whig editor to be the only _donkey_ in the case; +that he may have been a ravin(g) at the time is also very probable. + +No later than yesterday the _Cloonakilty Express_ was stopped by a _band +of young men_, who savagely ill-treated our courier, a youth of tender +age, having attempted to stone him to death. Our courier is ready to swear +that at the time of the attack the young men were busily engaged counting +a _vast store of ammunition_, consisting of _round white clay balls_ baked +to the hardness of bullets, and _evidently_ intended for _shooting with_. + +I have to call particular attention to the fact that a countryman was this +day observed to buy a threepenny loaf, and on leaving the baker's to _tear +it asunder and distribute the fragments with three confederates_!!! an act +which I need not say was evidently symbolical of their desire to rend +asunder the _Corn Laws_, and to divide the landed property amongst +themselves. The action also appears analogous to the custom of breaking +bread and swearing alliance on it, a practice still observed by the +inhabitants of some remote regions of the Caucasus. I must again solemnly +express my conviction that we are standing on a _slumbering_ VOLCANO; the +thoughtless and unobservant may suppose not; probably because in the +present tee-total state of society they see nothing of the CRATER. + + * * * * * + + +TAKING A SIGHT AT THE FIRE. + +A man bearing the very inapplicable name of _Virtue_ was brought up at +Lambeth-street last week, on the charge of having stolen a telescope from +the Ordnance-office in the Tower on the morning of the fire. The prisoner +pleaded that, being short-sighted, he took the glass to have a sight of +the fire. The magistrate, however, _saw through_ this excuse very clearly; +and as it was apparent that _Virtue_ had taken a _glass_ too much on the +occasion, he was fully committed. + + * * * * * + + +JOE HUME'S FORTHCOMING WORK. + +We have received the following note from an old and esteemed +correspondent, who, we are rejoiced to find, has returned from a tour in +Switzerland, where he has been engaged in a prodigious work connected with +the statistics of that country. + + +_Reform Club-house_. + +DEAR PUNCH, + +Knowing the interest you take in anything relating to the advancement of +science, I beg to apprise you that I am about publishing a statistical +work, in which I have made it perfectly clear that an immense saving in +the article of ice alone might be made in England by importing that which +lies waste upon Mont Blanc. I have also calculated to a fraction the +number of pints of milk produced in the canton of Berne, distinguishing +the quantity used in the making of cheese from that which has been +consumed in the manufacture of butter--and specifying in every instance +whether the milk has been yielded by cows or goats. There will be also a +valuable appendix to the work, containing a correct list of all the inns +on the road between Frankfort and Geneva, with a copy of the bill of fare +at each, and the prices charged; together with the colour of the +postilion's jacket, the age of the landlord and the weight of his wife, +and the height in inches of the cook and chambermaid. To which will be +added, "Ten Minutes' Advice" upon making one shilling go as far as two. If +you can give me a three-halfpenny puff in your admired publication, you +will confer a favour on + +Your sincere friend, + +JOE HUME. + + * * * * * + + +THE ROMANCE OF A TEACUP. + + +SIP THE FIRST. + + In England one man's mated to one woman, + To spend their days in holy matrimony-- + In fact, I _have_ heard from one or two men, + That one wife in a house is one too many-- + But, be this as it may, in China no man + Who can afford it shuts himself to any + Fix'd number, but is variously encumber'd + With better halves, from twenty to a hundred. + + These to provide for in a pleasant way, + And, maybe, to avoid their chat and worry, + He shuts up in a harem night and day-- + With them contriving all his cares to bury-- + A point of policy which, I should say, + Sweetens the dose to men about to marry; + For, though a wife's a charming thing enough, + Yet, like all other blessings, _quantum suff_. + + So to my tale: Te-pott the Multifarious + Was, once upon a time, a mandarin-- + In personal appearance but precarious, + Being incorrigibly bald and thin-- + But then so rich, through jobs and pensions various, + Obtain'd by voting with the party "in," + That he maintain'd, in grace and honour too, + Sixty-five years, and spouses fifty-two. + + Fifty-two wives! and still he went about + Peering below the maiden ladies' veils-- + Indeed, it _was_ said (but there hangs a doubt + Of scandal on such gossip-whisper'd tales), + He had a good one still to single out-- + For all his wives had tongues, and _some_ had nails-- + And still he hoped, though fifty-twice deferr'd, + To find an angel in his fifty-third. + + In China, mind, and such outlandish places, + A gentleman who wishes to be wed + Looks round about among the pretty faces, + Nor for a moment doubts they may be had + For asking; and if any of them "nay" says, + He has his remedy as soon as said-- + For, when the bridegrooms disapprove what they do, + They teach them manners with the bastinado. + + Near Te-pott's palace lived an old Chinese-- + About as poor a man as could be known + In lands where guardians leave them to their ease, + Nor pen the poor up in bastilles of stone: + He got a livelihood by picking teas; + And of possessions worldly had but one-- + But one--the which, the reader must be told, + Was a fair daughter seventeen years old. + + She was a lovely little girl, and one + To charm the wits of both the high and _the_ low; + And Te-pott's ancient heart was lost and won + In less time than 'twould take my pen to tell how: + So, as he was quite an experienced son- + In-law, and, too, a very wily fellow, + To make Hy-son his friend was no hard matter, I + Ween, with that specific for parents--flattery. + + But, when they two had settled all between + Themselves, and Te-pott thought that he had caught her, + He found how premature his hopes had been + Without the approbation of the daughter-- + Who talk'd with voice so loud and wit so keen, + That he thought all his Mrs. T's had taught her; + And, finding he was in the way there rather, + He left her to be lectured by her father. + + "Pray, what were women made for" (so she said, + Though Heaven forbid I join such tender saying), + "If they to be accounted are as dead, + And strangled if they ever are caught straying? + Tis well to give us diamonds for the head, + And silken gauds for festival arraying; + But where of dress or diamonds is the use + If we mayn't go and show them? that's the deuce!" + + The father answer'd, much as fathers do + In cases of like nature here in Britain, + Where fathers seldom let fortunes slip through + Their fingers, when they think that they can get one; + He said a many things extremely true-- + Proving that girls are fine things to be quit on, + And that, could she accommodate her views to it, + She would find marriage very nice when used to it. + + Now, 'tis no task to talk a woman into + Love, or a dance, or into dressing fine-- + No task, I've heard, to talk her into sin too; + But, somehow, reason don't seem in her line. + And so Miss Hy-son, spite of kith and kin too, + Persisting such a husband to decline-- + The eager mandarin issued a warrant, + And got her apprehended by her parent. + + Thus the poor girl was caught, for there was no + Appeal against so wealthy lover's fiat: + She must e'en be a wife of his, and so + She yielded him her hand demure and quiet; + For ladies seldom cry unless they know + There's somebody convenient to cry _at_-- + And; though it is consoling, on reflection + Such fierce emotions ruin the complexion. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +Yesterday Paddy Green honoured that great artist William Hogarth Teniers +Raphael Bunks, Esq., with a sitting for a likeness. The portrait, which +will doubtless be an admirable one, is stated to be destined to adorn one +of Mr. Catnach's ballads, namely, "The Monks of Old!" which Mr. P. Green, +in most obliging manner, has allowed to appear. + +William Paul took a walk yesterday as far as Houndsditch, in company with +Jeremiah Donovan. A pair of left-off unmentionables is confidently +reported to be the cause of their visit in the "far East." + +The lady of Paddy Green, Esquire, on Wednesday last, with that kindness +which has always distinguished her, caused to be distributed a platterful +of trotter bones amongst the starving dogs of the neighbourhood. + +From information exclusively our own, and for whose correctness we would +stake our hump, we learn that James Burke, the honoured member of the +P.R., was seen to walk home on the night of Tuesday last with three fresh +herrings on a twig. After supper, he consoled himself with a pint of +fourpenny ale. + +Charles Mears yesterday took a ride in a Whitechapel omnibus. He alighted +at Aldgate Pump, at which he took a draught of water from the ladle. He +afterwards regaled on a couple of polonies and a penny loaf. + + * * * * * + + +THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL. + +Jones, the journeyman tailor who was charged before Sir Peter Laurie with +being drunk and disorderly in Fleet-street, escaped the penalty of his +frolic by an extraordinary whim of justice. The young schneider, it +appears, sported a luxuriant crop of hair, the fashion of which not +pleasing the fancy of the city Rhadamanthus, he remitted the fine on +condition that the delinquent should instantly cut off the offending +hairs. A barber being sent for, the operation was instantly performed; and +Sir Peter, with a spirit of generosity only to be equalled by his +_cutting_ humour, actually put his hand in his breeches-pocket and handed +over to the official Figaro his fee of one shilling. The shorn tailor left +the office protesting that Sir Peter had not treated him handsomely, as he +had only consented to sacrifice his flowing locks, but that the Alderman +had cabbaged his whiskers as well. + + * * * * * + + +A CELESTIAL CON. + +Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot?--Because brevity is the _sole_ of +it! + + * * * * * + + +THE PRINCE OF WALES.--HIS FUTURE TIMES. + +A private letter from Hanover states that, precisely at twelve minutes to +eleven in the morning on the ninth of the present November, his Majesty +King ERNEST was suddenly attacked by a violent fit of blue devils. All the +court doctors were immediately summoned, and as immediately dismissed, by +his Majesty, who sent for the Wizard of the North (recently appointed +royal astrologer), to divine the mysterious cause of this so sudden +melancholy. In a trice the mystery was solved--Queen Victoria "was happily +delivered of a Prince!" His Majesty was immediately assisted to his +chamber--put to bed--the curtains drawn--all the royal household ordered +to wear list slippers--the one knocker to the palace was carefully tied +up--and (on the departure of our courier) half a load of straw was already +deposited beneath the window of the royal chamber. The sentinels on duty +were prohibited from even sneezing, under pain of death, and all things in +and about the palace, to use a bran new simile, were silent as the grave! + +"Whilst there was only the Princess Royal there were many hopes. There was +hope from severe teething--hope from measles--hope from hooping-cough--but +with the addition of a Prince of Wales, the hopes of Hanover are below +par." But we pause. We will no further invade the sanctity of the sorrows +of a king; merely observing, that what makes his Majesty very savage, +makes hundreds of thousands of Englishmen mighty glad. There are now two +cradles between the Crown of England and the White Horse of Hanover. + +We have a Prince of Wales! Whilst, however, England is throwing up its +million caps in rapture at the advent, let it not be forgotten to whom we +owe the royal baby. In the clamourousness of our joy the fact would have +escaped us, had we not received a letter from Colonel SIBTHORP, who +assures us that we owe a Prince of Wales entirely to the present cabinet; +had the Whigs remained in office, the infant would inevitably have been a +girl. + +For our own part--but we confess we are sometimes apt to look too soberly +at things--we think her Majesty (may all good angels make her caudle!) is, +inadvertently no doubt, treated in a questionable spirit of compliment by +these uproarious rejoicings at the sex of the illustrious little boy, who +has cast, if possible, a new dignity upon Lord Mayor's day, and made the +very giants of Guildhall shoot up an inch taller at the compliment he has +paid them of visiting the world on the ninth of November. In our playful +enthusiasm, we have--that is, the public _We_--declared we must have a +Prince of Wales--we should be dreadfully in the dumps if the child were +not a Prince--the Queen must have a Prince--a bouncing Prince--and nothing +but a Prince. Now might not an ill-natured Philosopher (but all +philosophers are ill-natured) interpret these yearnings for masculine +royalty as something like pensive regrets that the throne should ever be +filled by the feminine sex? For own part we are perfectly satisfied that +the Queen (may she live to see the Prince of Wales wrinkled and +white-headed!) is a Queen, and think VICTORIA THE FIRST sounds quite as +musically--has in it as full a note of promise--as if the regal name had +run--GEORGE THE FIFTH! We think there is a positive want of gallantry at +this unequivocally shouted preference of a Prince of Wales. Nevertheless, +we are happy to say, the pretty, good-tempered Princess Royal (she is +_not_ blind, as the Tories once averred; but then the Whigs were _in_) +still laughs and chirrups as if nothing had happened. Nay, as a proof of +the happy nature of the infant (we beg to say that the fact is copyright, +as we purchased it of the reporter of _The Observer_), whilst, on the +ninth instant, the chimes of St. Martin's were sounding merrily for the +birth of the Prince, the Princess magnanimously shook her coral-bells in +welcome of her dispossessing brother! + +Independently of the sensation made in the City by the new glory that has +fallen upon the ninth of November (it is said that Sir PETER LAURIE has +been so rapt by the auspicious coincidence, that he has done nothing since +but talk and think of "the Prince of Wales"--that on Wednesday last he +rebuked an infant beggar with, "I've nothing for you, _Prince of +Wales_")--independently of the lustre flung upon the new Lord Mayor and +the Lord Mayor just out--who will, it is said, both be caudle-cup +baronets, the occasion has given birth to much deep philosophy on the part +of our contemporaries--so deep, that there is no getting to the end of it, +and has also revived much black-letter learning connected with the birth +of every Prince of Wales, from the first to the last--and, therefore, +certainly not least--new-comer. + +An hour or so after George the Fourth was born, we are told that the +waggons containing the treasure of the _Hermione_, a Spanish galleon, +captured off St. Vincent by three English frigates, entered St. James's +street, escorted by cavalry and infantry, with trumpets sounding, the +enemy's flags waving over the waggons, and the whole surrounded by an +immense multitude of spectators. Now here, to the vulgar mind, was a happy +augury of the future golden reign of the Royal baby. He comes upon the +earth amid a shower of gold! The melodious chink of doubloons and pieces +of eight echo his first infant wailings! What a theme for the gipsies of +the press--the fortune-tellers of the time! At the present hour that baby +sleeps the last sleep in St. George's chapel; and we have his public and +his social history before us. What does experience--the experience bought +and paid for by hard, hard cash--_now_ read in the "waggons of treasure," +groaning musically to the rocking-cradle of the callow infant? Simply, the +babe of Queen Charlotte would be a very expensive babe indeed; and that +the wealth of a Spanish galleon was all insufficient for the youngling's +future wants. + +We have been favoured, among a series of pictures, with the following of +George the Fourth, exhibited in his babyhood. We are told that "all +persons _of fashion_ were admitted to see the Prince, under the following +restrictions, viz.--that in passing through the apartment _they stepped +with the greatest caution_, and did not offer to touch his Royal Highness. +For the greater security in this respect, a part of the apartment was +latticed off _in the Chinese manner_, to prevent curious persons from +approaching too nearly." + +That lattice "in the Chinese manner" was a small yet fatal fore-shadowing +of the Chinese Pavilion at Brighton--of that temple, worthy of Pekin, +wherein the Royal infant of threescore was wont to enshrine himself, not +from the desecrating touch of the world, but even from the eyes of a +curious people, who, having paid some millions toward manufacturing the +most finished gentleman in Europe, had now and then a wish--an unregarded +wish--to look at their expensive handiwork. + +What different prognostics have we in the natal day of our present Prince +of Wales! What rational hopes from many circumstances that beset him. The +Royal infant, we are told, is suckled by a person "named Brough, formerly +a _housemaid_ at Esher." From this very fact, will not the Royal child +grow up with the consciousness that he owes his nourishment even to the +very humblest of the people? Will he not suck in the humanising truth with +his very milk? + +And then for the Spanish treasure--"hard food for Midas"--that threw its +jaundiced glory about the cradle of George the Fourth; what is that to the +promise of plenty, augured by the natal day of our present Prince? Comes +he not on the ninth of November? Is not his advent glorified by the +aromatic clouds of the Lord Mayor's kitchen?--Let every man, woman, and +child possess themselves of a _Times_ newspaper of the 10th ult.; for +there, in genial companionship with the chronicle of the birth of the +Prince, is the luscious history of the Lord Mayor's dinner. We quit +Buckingham Palace, our mind full of our dear little Queen, the Royal baby, +Prince Albert--(who, as _The Standard_ informs us subsequently, bows +"bare-headed" to the populace,)--the Archbishop of Canterbury, Doctor +Locock, the Duke of Wellington, and the monthly nurse, and immediately +fall upon the civic "general bill of fare,"--the real turtle at the City +board. + +Oh, men of Paisley--good folks of Bolton--what promise for ye is here! +Turkeys, capons, sirloins, asparagus, pheasants, pine-apples, Savoy cakes, +Chantilly baskets, mince pies, preserved ginger, brandy cherries, a +thousand luscious cakes that "the sense aches at!" What are all these +gifts of plenty, but a glad promise that in the time of the "sweetest +young Prince," that on the birth-day of that Prince just vouchsafed to us, +all England will be a large Lord Mayor's table! Will it be possible for +Englishmen to dissassociate in their minds the Prince of Wales and the +Prince of good Fellows? And whereas the reigns of other potentates are +signalised by bloodshed and war, the time of the Prince will be glorified +by cooking and good cheer. His drum-sticks will be the drum-sticks of +turkeys--his cannon, the popping of corks. In his day, even weavers shall +know the taste of geese, and factory-children smack their lips at the +gravy of the great sirloin. Join your glasses! brandish your +carving-knives! cry welcome to the Prince of Wales! for he comes garnished +with all the world's good things. He shall live in the hearts, and (what +is more) in the stomachs of his people! + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PROPER PRECAUTION. + +Everybody is talking of the great impropriety that has been practised in +keeping gunpowder within the Tower; and the papers are _blowing up_ the +authorities with astounding violence for their alleged laxity. +"Gunpowder," say the angry journalists, "ought only to be kept where there +is no possibility of a spark getting to it."--We suggest the bottom of the +Thames, as the only place where, in future, this precious preparation can +be securely deposited. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OLIVIA'S RETURN TO HER FRIENDS. + +"I ENTREAT, WOMAN, THAT MY WORDS MAY BE NOW MARKED, ONCE FOR ALL; I HAVE +HERE BROUGHT YOU BACK A POOR DELUDED WANDERER; HER RETURN TO DUTY DEMANDS +THE REVIVAL OF OUR TENDERNESS. THE KINDNESS OF HEAVEN IS PROMISED TO THE +PENITENT, AND LET OURS BE DIRECTED BY THE EXAMPLE." + +_Vicar of Wakefield_, Chap. XXII.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +8.--OF THE EXAMINATION AT APOTHECARIES' HALL. + + +[Illustration: T]The last task that devolves upon our student before he +goes up to the Hall is to hunt up his testimonials of attendance to +lectures and good moral conduct in his apprenticeship, together with his +parochial certificate of age and baptism. The first of these is the chief +point to obtain; the two last he generally writes himself, in the style +best consonant with his own feelings and the date of his indenture. His +"morality ticket" is as follows:-- + + +(Copy.) + +"I hereby certify, that during the period Mr. Joseph Muff served his time +with me he especially recommended himself to my notice by his studious and +attentive habits, highly moral and gentlemanly conduct, and excellent +disposition. He always availed himself of every opportunity to improve his +professional knowledge." + +(Signed) + +According to the name on the indenture. + + +The certificate of attendance upon lectures is only obtained in its most +approved state by much clever manoeuvring. It is important to bear in mind +that a lecturer should never be asked whilst he is loitering about the +school for his signature of the student's diligence. He may then have time +to recollect his ignorance of his pupil's face at his discourses. He +should always be caught flying--either immediately before or after his +lecture--in order that the whole business may be too hurried to admit of +investigation. In the space left for the degree of attention which the +student has shown, it is better that he subscribes nothing at all than an +indifferent report; because, in the former case, the student can fill it +up to his own satisfaction. He usually prefers the phrase--"with +unremitting diligence." + +And having arrived at this important section of our Physiology, it behoves +us to publish, for the benefit of medical students in general, and those +about to go up in particular, the following + + +CODE OF INSTRUCTIONS + +TO BE OBSERVED BY THOSE PREPARING FOR EXAMINATION AT THE HALL. + +1. Previously to going up, take some pills and get your hair cut. This not +only clears your faculties, but improves your appearance. The Court of +Examiners dislike long hair. + +2. Do not drink too much stout before you go in, with the idea that it +will give you pluck. It renders you very valiant for half an hour and then +muddles your notions with indescribable confusion. + +3. Having arrived at the Hall, put your rings and chains in your pocket, +and, if practicable, publish a pair of spectacles. This will endow you +with a grave look. + +4. On taking your place at the table, if you wish to gain time, feign to +be intensely frightened. One of the examiners will then rise to give you a +tumbler of water, which you may, with good effect, rattle tremulously +against your teeth when drinking. This may possibly lead them to excuse +bad answers on the score of extreme nervous trepidation. + +5. Should things appear to be going against you, get up a hectic cough, +which is easily imitated, and look acutely miserable, which you will +probably do without trying. + +6. Endeavour to assume an off-hand manner of answering; and when you have +stated any pathological fact--right or wrong--_stick to it_; if they +want a case for example, invent one, "that happened when you were an +apprentice in the country." This assumed confidence will sometimes bother +them. We knew a student who once swore at the Hall, that he gave opium in +a case of concussion of the brain, and that the patient never required +anything else. It was true--he never did. + +7. Should you be fortunate enough to pass, go to your hospital next day +and report your examination, describing it as the most extraordinary +ordeal of deep-searching questions ever undergone. This will make the +professors think well of you, and the new men deem yon little less than a +mental Colossus. Say, also, "you were complimented by the Court." This +advice is, however, scarcely necessary, as we never know a student pass +who was not thus honoured--according to his own account. + + * * * * * + +All things being arranged to his satisfaction, he deposits his papers +under the care of Mr. Sayer, and passes the interval before the fatal day +much in the same state of mind as a condemned criminal. At last Thursday +arrives, and at a quarter to four, any person who takes the trouble to +station himself at the corner of Union-street will see various groups of +three and four young men wending their way towards the portals of +Apothecaries' Hall, consisting of students about to be examined, +accompanied by friends who come down with them to keep up their spirits. +They approach the door, and shake hands as they give and receive wishes of +success. The wicket closes on the candidates, and their friends adjourn to +the "Retail Establishment" opposite, to _go the odd man_ and pledge their +anxious companions in dissector's diet-drink--_vulgo_, half-and-half. + +Leaving them to their libations, we follow our old friend Mr. Joseph Muff. +He crosses the paved court-yard with the air of a man who had lost +half-a-crown and found a halfpenny; and through the windows sees the +assistants dispensing plums, pepper, and prescriptions, with provoking +indifference. Turning to the left, he ascends a solemn-looking staircase, +adorned with severe black figures in niches, who support lamps. On the top +of the staircase he enters a room, wherein the partners of his misery are +collected. It is a long narrow apartment, commonly known as "the +funking-room," ornamented with a savage-looking fireplace at one end, and +a huge surly chest at the other; with gloomy presses against the walls, +containing dry mouldy books in harsh, repulsive bindings. The windows look +into the court; and the glass is scored by diamond rings, and the shutters +pencilled with names and sentences, which Mr. Muff regards with feelings +similar to those he would experience in contemplating the inscriptions on +the walls of a condemned cell. The very chairs in the room look +overbearing and unpleasant; and the whole locality is invested with an +overallishness of unanswerable questions and intricate botheration. Some +of the students are marching up and down the room in feverish +restlessness; others, arm in arm, are worrying each other to death with +questions; and the rest are grinding away to the last minute at a manual, +or trying to write minute atomic numbers on their thumb-nail. + +The clock strikes five, and Mr. Sayer enters the room, exclaiming--"Mr. +Manhug, Mr. Jones, Mr. Saxby, and Mr. Collins." The four depart to the +chamber of examination, where the medical inquisition awaits them, with +every species of mental torture to screw their brains instead of their +thumbs, and rack their intellects instead of their limbs,--the chair on +which the unfortunate student is placed being far more uneasy than the +tightest fitting "Scavenger's daughter" in the Tower of London. After an +anxious hour, Mr. Jones returns, with a light bounding step to a joyous +extempore air of his own composing: he has passed. In another twenty +minutes Mr. Saxby walks fiercely in, calls for his hat, condemns the +examiners _ad inferos_, swears he shall cut the profession, and marches +away. He has been plucked; and Mr. Muff, who stands sixth on the list, is +called on to make his appearance before the awful tribunal. + + * * * * * + + +REGULARLY CALLED IN--AND BOWLED OUT. + +Dr. Demosthenes &c. &c. &c. &c. Bedford, who has lately broken out in a +new place, has been accused by the lieges of the Borough of having acted +in a most unprofessional manner; in short, with having lost his +_patience_. He, Dr. Demosthenes &c. begs to state, the only surgical +operation he ever attempted was most successful, notwithstanding it was +the difficult one of amputating his "mahogany;" and he further adds, the +only case he ever had is still in his hand, it being a most obstinate + +[Illustration: CARD CASE.] + + * * * * * + + +THE PRINCE OF WALES. + +(_By the Observer's Own Correspondent._) + +Knowing the anxiety that will be felt on this subject, though we doubt if +the future King can be called _a subject_ at all, we have collected the +following exclusive particulars:-- + +THE PRINCE'S TITLE. + +His Royal Highness will for the present go by the title of "Poppet," +affectionately conferred upon him by Mrs. Lilly at the moment of his +birth. Poppet is a title of very great antiquity, and has from time +immemorial been used as a mark of endearment towards a newly-born child in +all genteel families. Lovey-Dovey has been spoken of; but it is not likely +that His Royal Highness will assume the style and dignity of Lovey-Dovey +for a considerable period. + +THE PRINCE'S INCOME. + +Considerable mistakes have been fallen into by some of our contemporaries +on this important subject. What may be the present wishes of His Royal +Highness it is impossible for any one to ascertain, for he is able to +articulate nothing on this point with his little pipe; but the piper, we +know, must be eventually paid. He becomes immediately entitled to all the +loose halfpence in his mother's reticule, and sixpence a-week will be at +once payable out of his father's estates at Saxe Gotha. The whole of the +revenues attached to the Duchy of Cornwall are also his by the mere fact +of his birth: but there is a difficulty as to his giving a receipt for the +money, if it should be paid to him. It is believed, that on the meeting of +Parliament a Bill will pass for granting peg-top money to His Royal +Highness, and a lollipop allowance will be among the earliest estimates. + +THE PRINCE'S MILITARY RANK. + +The Prince of Wales is by birth at the head of all the _Infantry_ in the +kingdom, and is Colonel in his own right of a regiment of tin soldiers. + +THE PRINCE'S WARDROBE. + +The Prince falls at once into all the long frocks that are required, and +has an estate tail in six dozen napkins. + +THE PRINCE'S EDUCATION. + +This important matter will be confined at present to teaching His Royal +Highness how to take his pap without spilling it. A professor from the +pap-al states will, it is expected, be entrusted with this branch of the +royal economy. + +THE PRINCE'S WET-NURSE. + +Our contemporaries are wrong in stating that the individual to whom the +post of wet-nurse has been assigned is nothing but a housemaid. We have +full authority to state that she is no maid at all, but a respectable +married woman. + +THE PRINCE'S HONOURS. + +His Royal Highness has not yet been created a Knight of the Garter, though +Sir James Clark insisted on his being admitted to the Bath, against which +ceremony the infant Prince entered a vociferous protest. + +The whole of the above particulars may be relied on as having been +furnished from the very highest authority. + + * * * * * + + +A BARROWKNIGHT. + +SIR WILLOUGHBY COTTON, during his visit to the Mansion-House Feast, in a +moment of forgetfulness after the song of "Hurrah for the Road," being +asked to take wine with the new Lord Mayor, declined the honour in the +genuine long-stage phraseology, declaring he had already whacked his fare, +and was quite + +[Illustration: FULL INSIDE.] + + * * * * * + + +MAGISTERIAL AXIOMS. + +VIDE POLICE REPORTS. + +An Irishman will _swear anything_.--_Mr. Grove_. + +A man who wears long hair is _capable of anything_.--_Sir Peter Laurie_. + + * * * * * + + +THE ROYAL BULLETINS. + +The documents lately shown at Buckingham Palace are spurious, and the real +ones have been suppressed from party motives, which we shall not allude +to. The following are genuine; they relate only to the Prince, the +convalescence of Her Majesty being, we are glad to say, so rapid as to +require no official notice. + +_Half-past Twelve_. + +The Prince has sneezed, and it is believed has smiled, though the nurses +are unable to pronounce whether the expression of pleasure arose from +satisfaction or cholic. + +_Quarter past One_. + +The Prince has passed a comfortable minute, and is much easier. + +_Two O'Clock_. + +The Prince is fast asleep, and is more quiet. + +_Half-past Two_. + +The Prince has been shown to Sir Robert Peel, and was very fretful. + +_Three O'Clock_. + +Sir Robert Peel has left the Palace, and the Prince is again perfectly +composed. + + * * * * * + + +DEVILLED DRUMSTICKS. + +Our own Sir Peter Laurie, upon witnessing the extraordinary performance of +little Wieland in _Die Hexen am Rhein_, at the Adelphi Theatre, was so +transported with his diabolic agility, that he determined upon +endeavouring to arrive at the same perfection of pliability. As a guide +for his undertaking, he instantly despatched old Hobler for a folio +edition of + +[Illustration: IMPEY'S PRACTICE.] + + * * * * * + + +BRANDY AND WATERFORD. (A GO!) + +The Marquis of Waterford, upon his recent visit to Devonshire, was much +struck with the peculiar notice upon the County Stretchers. Being +overtaken by some of their extra-bottled apple-juice, he tested the truth +of the statement, and found them literally "licensed to carry _one in +cyder_" (_one insider_). + + * * * * * + + +THE WHEELS OF FORTUNE. + +SIR WYNDHAM ANSTRUTHER, whose "Young Rapid" connexion with the _Stage_ is +pretty generally known, boasts that his stud was unrivalled for speed, as +he managed with his four to "run through" his whole estates in six months, +which he thinks a pretty decent proof that his might well be considered + +[Illustration: A FAST COACH.] + + * * * * * + + +SEEING NOTHING + +COMMISSIONER HARVEY and his old crony, Joe Hume, were talking lately of +the wonders which the latter had seen in his travels--"You have been on +Mont Blanc," said Whittle. "Certainly," replied the other. "And what did +you see there?" "Why really," said Joe, "it is always so wrapped up in a +double-milled fog, that there is nothing to be seen from it." "Nothing!" +echoed he of the Blues; "I never knew till now why it was called Mount +_Blank_." As this was the Commissioner's first attempt at a witticism, we +forgive him. + + * * * * * + + +MORE FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +(FROM OUR OWN ONE.) + +A marriage is on the _tapis_ between Mr. John Smith, the distinguished +toll-collector at the Marsh Gate, and Miss Julia Belinda Snooks, the +lovely and accomplished daughter of the gallant out-pensioner of Greenwich +Hospital. Should the wedding take place, the bridegroom will be given away +by Mr. Levy, the great toll-contractor; while the blushing bride will be +attended to the altar by her mother-in-law, the well-known laundress of +Tash-street. The _trousseau_, consisting of a selection from a bankrupt's +stock of damaged _de laines_, has been purchased at Lambeth House; and a +parasol carefully chosen from a lot of 500, all at one-and-ninepence, will +be presented by the happy bridegroom on the morning of the marriage. A +cabman has already been spoken to, and a shilling fare has been sketched +out for the eventful morning, which is so arranged as to terminate at the +toll-house, from which Mr. Smith can only be absent for about an hour, +during which time the toll will be taken by an amateur of celebrity. + +Among the fashionables at the Bower Saloon, we observed Messrs. Jones and +Brown, Mr. J. Jones, Mr. H. Jones, Mr. M. Brown, Mr. K. Brown, and several +other distinguished leaders of the _ton_ in Stangate. + +There is no truth in the report that Tom Timkins intends resigning his +seat at the apple-stall in the New Cut; and the rumours of a successor are +therefore premature and indelicate. + +The vacant crossing opposite the Victoria has not been offered to Bill +Swivel, nor is it intended that any one shall be appointed to the post in +the Circus. + + * * * * * + + +CONS. WORTH CONNING. + +Why is the making a _mem._ of the number of a person's residence like a +general election?--Because it's done to re-member _the house_. + +Why is Count D'Orsay a capital piece of furniture for a kitchen?--Because +he's a _good dresser_. + + * * * * * + + +MORBID SYMPATHY FOR CRIMINALS. + +Our contemporary, the _Times_, for the last few days has been very justly +deprecating the existing morbid sympathy for criminals. The moment that a +man sins against the conventionalities of society he ought certainly to be +excluded from all claims upon the sympathy of his fellows. It is very true +that even the felon has kindred, parents, wife, children--for whom, and in +whom, God has implanted an instinctive love. It is true that the criminal +may have been led by the example of aristocratic sinners to disregard the +injunctions of revealed religion against the adulterer, the gamester, and +the drunkard; and having imitated the "pleasant follies" of the great +without possessing the requisite means for such enjoyments, the man of +pleasure has degenerated into the man of crime. It is true that the poor +and ignorant may have claims upon the wealth and the intelligence of the +rich and learned; but are we to pause to inquire whether want may have +driven the destitute to theft, or the absence of early instruction have +left the physical desires of the offender's nature superior to its moral +restrictions.--Certainly not, whilst we have a gallows. There is, however, +one difficulty which seems to interfere with a liberal exercise of the +rope and the beam. Where are we to find executioners? for if "whoso +sheddeth man's blood" be amenable to man, surely Jack Ketch is not to be +exempted. + +The _Times_ condemns the late Lord Chamberlain for allowing the +representation of "Jack Sheppard" and "Madame Laffarge" at the Adelphi; so +do we. The _Times_ intimates, that "the newspapers teem with details about +everything which such criminals 'as Dick Turpin and Jack Sheppard' say or +do; that complete biographies of them are presented to the public; that +report after report expatiates upon every refinement and peculiarity in +their wickedness," for "the good purpose" of warning the embryo +highwayman. We are something more than _duberous_ of this. We can see no +difference between the exhibition of the stage and the gloating of the +broadsheet; they are both "the agents by which the exploits of the gay +highwayman are realised before his eyes, amid a brilliant and evidently +sympathising" public. We deprecate both, as tending to excite the +weak-minded to gratify "the ambition of this kind of notoriety;"--and yet +we say, with the _Times_, there should be "no sympathy for criminals." + + * * * * * + + +THE MALE DALILAH. + +Sir Peter Laurie's aversion to long locks is accounted for by his change +of political opinions, he having some time since _cut the W(h)igs_. + + * * * * * + + +A "PUNCH" TESTIMONIAL. + +We are virtuously happy to announce that a meeting has been held at the +_Hum_-mums Hotel, Colonel Sibthorp in the chair, for the purpose of +presenting to PUNCH some testimonial of public esteem for his exertions in +the detection and exposure of fraudulent wits and would-be distinguished +characters. + +COLONEL SIBTHORP thanked the meeting for the honour they had conferred +upon him in electing him their chairman upon this occasion. None knew +better than himself the service that PUNCH had rendered to the public. But +for that fun fed individual his (Col. Sibthorp's) own brilliant effusions +would have been left to have smouldered in his brain, or have hung like +cobwebs about the House of Commons. (_Hear, hear_!) But PUNCH had stepped +in to the rescue; he had not only preserved some of the brilliant things +that he (Col. Sibthorp) had said, but had also reported many of the +extremely original witticisms that he had intended to have uttered. +(_Hear_!) There were many honourable gentlemen--(he begged +pardon--gentlemen, he meant, without the honourable; but he had been so +long a member of parliament that he had acquired a habit of calling men +and things out of their proper names). Apologising for so lengthy a +parenthesis, he would say that there were many gentlemen who were equally +indebted (_hear! from Sir Peter Laurie, Peter Borthwick, and Pre-Adam +Roebuck_) to this jocular benefactor. "It was PUNCH," said the gallant +gentleman, with much feeling, "who first convinced me that the popular +opinion of my asinine capabilities was erroneous. It was PUNCH who +discovered that there was as much in my head as on it(_loud cheers, +produced doubtlessly by the aptness of the simile, the gallant Colonel +being perfectly bald_). I should, therefore, be the most ungrateful of +Members for Lincoln, did I not entreat of this meeting to mark their high +sense of Mr. PUNCH'S exertions by a liberal subscription" (_cheers_). + +SIR PETER LAURIE acknowledged himself equally in debt with their gallant +Chairman to the object of the present meeting. He (Sir Peter) had tried +all schemes to obtain popularity--he had made speeches without number or +meaning--he had done double duty at the Mansion-house, and had made Mr. +Hobler laugh more heartily than any Lord Mayor or Alderman since the days +of Whittington (during whose mayoralty the venerable Chief Clerk first +took office)--he (Sir P. Laurie) had, after much difficulty and four +years' practice, received the Queen on horseback (_much cheering_); but +(_continued cheering_)--but it was left for PUNCH to achieve his +immortality (_immense cheering--several squares of glass in the +conservatory opposite broken by the explosion_). He (Sir P. Laurie) had +done all in his power to deserve the notice of that illustrious wooden +individual. He had endeavoured to be much more ass--(_loud +cheers_)--iduous than ever. PUNCH had rewarded him; and he therefore felt +it his bounden duty to reward PUNCH. (_Hear! hear!_) + +MR. ROEBUCK fully concurred in the preceding eulogies. What had not PUNCH +done for him? Had not PUNCH extinguished the _Times_ by the honest way in +which he had advocated his (Roebuck's) injured genealogy? Had PUNCH not +proved that he (Mr. Roebuck) had a father, which the "mendacious journal" +had asserted was impossible? Had not PUNCH traced the Roebuck family as +far back as 1801?--that was something! But he (Mr. Roebuck) believed that +he had been injured by an error of the press, and that PUNCH had written +the numerals 1081. Be that as it might, he (Mr. Roebuck) was anxious to +discharge the overwhelming debt of gratitude which he owed to MR. PUNCH, +and intended to subscribe very largely (_cheers_). + +MR. PETER BORTHWICK had been in former years a Shaksperian actor. He had +for many seasons, at the "Royal Rugby Barn," had the honour of bearing the +principal banners in all the imposing processions, "got up at an immense +expense" in that unique establishment. (_Hear_!) He was, therefore, better +qualified than any gentleman present to form an opinion of the services +which Punch had rendered to the British Drama (_loud and continued cheers, +during which Mr. Yates rushed on to the platform, and bowed several times +to the assembled multitude_). Therefore, as a devoted admirer of that art +which he (Peter) trusted HE and Shakspere had adorned (_cheers_), he +fondly hoped that the meeting would at once take tickets, when he +announced that the performance was for the benefit of Mr. PUNCH. + +LORD MORPETH next presented himself; but our reporter, having promised to +take tea with his grandmother, left before the Noble Lord opened his +mouth. + +We hope next week to furnish the remainder of the speeches, and a very +long list of subscriptions. + + * * * * * + + +THE RAPE OF THE LOCK-UP; + +OR, SIR PETER LAURIE ON CRIME AND THE CROPS. + + +We believe no longing was ever more firmly planted in the human heart, +than that of discovering some short cut to the high road of mental +acquirement. The toilsome learner's "Progress" through the barren outset +of the alphabet; the slough of despond of seven syllables, endangered as +they both are by the frequent appearance of the compulsive birch of the +Mr. Worldly-wisemen who teach the young idea how to shoot, must ever be +looked upon as a probation, the power of avoiding which is "a consummation +devoutly to be wished." Imbued with this feeling, the more speculative of +past ages have frequently attempted to arrive, by external means, at the +immediate possession of results otherwise requiring a long course of +intense study and anxious inquiry. From these defunct illuminati +originated the suppositionary virtues of the magically-endowed divining +wand. The simple bending of a forked hazel twig, being the received sign +of the deep-buried well, suited admirably with their notions of immediate +information, and precluded the unpleasant and toilsome necessity for +delving on speculation for the discovery of their desired object. But, +alas, divining rods, like dogs, have had their day. The want of faith in +the operators, or the growth of a new and obstinate assortment of hazel +twigs, threw discredit on the mummery and the mummers. Still the passion +existed; and in no case was it more observable than in that of the +celebrated witch-finder. An actual presence at the demoniacal rites of the +broom-riding sisterhood would have been attended with much danger and +considerable difficulty; indeed, it has been asserted that the visitors, +like those at Almack's, were expected to be balloted for, ticketed, and +dressed in a manner suiting the occasion. Any infringement of these rules +must have been at the proper peril of the contumacious infringer; and as +it is more than probable some of the brooms carried double, there was a +very decent chance of the intruder's discovering himself across one of the +heavy-tailed and strong-backed breed, taking a trip to some distant +bourne, from whence that compulsory aerial traveller would doubtless never +have returned. Still witches were evils; and proof of evil is what the law +seeks to enable evil's suppression. Now and again one of these short-cut +gentry, by some railroad system of mental calculation, discovered certain +external marks or moles that at a glance betrayed "the secret, dark, and +midnight hags;" and the witch-finding process was instantaneously +established. The outward and visible sign of their misdeeds authorised the +further proceeding necessary for the clear proof of their delinquencies: +thus the pinchings, beatings, starvings, trials, hangings, and burnings +were made the goal of the shortest of all imaginable short cuts; and old +women who had established pin manufactories in the stomachs of thousands, +instead of receiving patents for their inventions, divided the honour of +illuminating the land with the blazing tar-barrels provided for their +peculiar use and benefit. Whether it was that aerial gambols on unsaddled +and rough-backed broomsticks grew tiresome, or the small profit attending +the vocation became smaller, or that all the elderly ladies with moles, +and without anything else, were burnt up, we can't pretend to say; but +certain it is, the art of witchcraft fell into disrepute. Corking, +minikin, and all description of pins, were obliged to be made in the +regular way; and cows even departed this world without the honour of the +human immolations formerly considered the necessary sacrifice for the loss +of their inestimable lives. Since the abovetimes Animal Magnetism and +Mesmerism have followed in the wake of what has been; and now, just as +despair, already poised upon its outstretched sable wings, was hovering +for a brief moment previous to making its final swoop upon the External +Doctrine, Peter--our Peter--Peter Laurie--the great, the glorious, the +aldermanic Laurie--makes despair, like the Indian Juggler who swallowed +himself, become the victim of its own insatiate maw. + +Our quill trembles as we proceed; it is unequal to the task. Oh, that we +could write with the whole goose upon the wondrous merits of the wondrous +Peter! + +We are better. That bumper has restored our nerve. + +Reader, fancy the gifted Peter seated in the dull dignity of civic +magistracy: the court is thronged--a young delinquent blinks like an owl +in sunshine 'neath the mighty flashing of his bench-lit eye. His crime, +ay, what's his crime? it can't be much--so pale, so thin, so woe-begone! +look, too, so tremulous of knee, and redolent of hair! what has he done? + +Here Roe interprets--"Please your worship, this young man, or tailor, has +been assaulting several females with a blue bag and a pair of breeches." + +_Sir Peter_.--"I don't wonder at it; that man would do anything, I see it +in his face, or rather in the back of his head, that's where the +expression lies--look at his hair!" + +The whole court becomes a Cyclops--it has but one eye, and that is fixed +upon the tailor's locks. + +"I say," resumes our Peter, "a man with that head of hair would do +anything--pray, sir, do you wish to be taken for a German sausage, or a +German student?--they're all the same, sir--speak at once." + +The faltering fraction denies the student, and repudiates the sausage. + +_Sir Peter_, still looking at the hair, from which external sign he +evidently derived all his information--"You were drunk, sir." + +"I was," faltered the Samsonian schneider. + +"I know it, sir--you are fined five shillings, sir--but if you choose to +submit to the deprivation of that iniquitous hair, which has brought you +here, and which, I repeat, will make you do anything, I will remit the +fine." + +A sigh, fine-drawn as the accidental rent in an unfinished skirt, escaped +the hirsute stitcher: a melancholy reflection upon the infinite deal of +nothing in his various pockets, and the slow revolving of the Brixton +wheel in stern perspective, wrung from the quodded wretch a slow assent: +Sir Peter sent a City officer with his warrant to secure the nearest +barber: a few sharp clickings of the envious shears--and all was over! +Crime fell from the shoulders of the quondam culprit, and the tonsorial +innocent stood forth confessed! + +Sir Peter was entranced. That was his doing! He gazed with pride upon the +new absolved from sin. He asked, "Are you not more comfortable?" + +All vice had gone, save one--the young man answered "Yes," and _lied_. + +"Then, sir, go home." + +"The barber," muttered "soft Roe" in as soft a voice. + +"What of him?" + +"Wants a shillin'." + +"There it is," exclaimed the Augustine Peter, "there, from my own pocket, +paid with pleasure to preserve that youth from the evil influence of too +much hair--I'll pay for all the City if they like--and banished suicide, +and I'll pretty soon see if I can't settle all the City crops. Prisoner, +you are discharged." + +The young man lost his hair, the Queen five shillings, and Sir Peter one; +but then he gained his end,--and docking must henceforth be looked upon as +the treadmill's antidote, and young man's fines' best friend. We therefore +say, should the iniquity of your long locks, gentle reader, take you to +the station (for, remember, Sir Peter says, _Long hair will do anything_), +if you can't find bail, secure a barber, and command your liberation. We +have been speculating of these externally-illustrated grades of crime; we +think the following nearly correct:-- + +The long and lank indicates larceny (petty and otherwise). + +The bushy and bountiful--burglary. + +The full and flowing--felony. + +The magnificent and mysterious--murder. + +And, for aught we know, pigtails--polygamy. + +For the future, a thinking man's motto will be, not to mind "his own eye," +but everybody else's hair. + +P.S. We have just received the following horrifying communication which +establishes Sir Peter's opinion, "that a man with such hair would do +anything," but unfortunately disproves the remedy, as those atrocities +have been committed when he was without. + +Indignant at the loss of his head's glory, the evil-minded tailor, +immediately upon leaving the court, sent for counsel's opinion as to +whether he couldn't proceed against Sir Peter, under the act for "cutting +and maiming, with intent to do him some grievous bodily harm." This, it +appears he cannot do, inasmuch as these very learned gentlemen at the bar +have decided, "the head" from which the hair was cut, and which, if any, +is consequently the injured part, is not included in the meaning of the +word _bodily_, as &c. &c. Foiled in this attempt, the monster, for the +brutal gratification of his burning revenge, hit upon a scheme the most +diabolical that human hair could conceive. He actually applied to the +Society for the Suppression of _Cruelty to Animals_; and they, upon +inspecting a portion of the dissevered locks, immediately took up the +case, and are about to indict Sir Peter, Roe, and the barber, under one of +the clauses of that tremendous act. If they proceed for penalties in +individual cases, they must be immense, as the killed and wounded are +beyond calculation,--not to mention all that the process has left +homeless, foodless, and destitute. + + * * * * * + + +BARBER-OUS ANNOUNCEMENT. + +We beg to inform our readers that Mr. Tanner, of Temple-bar and +Shire-lane, whose salon extends from the city of London to the liberties +of Westminster, has this day been appointed Hair-cutter Extraordinary to +Sir Peter Laurie. + + * * * * * + + +A NEW MILKY WAY. + +KIRCHOFF, a Prussian chemist, is reported to have discovered a process by +which milk may be preserved for an indefinite period. Fresh milk is +evaporated by a very gentle heat till it is reduced to a dry powder, which +is to be kept perfectly dry in a bottle. When required for use it need +only be diluted with a sufficient quantity of water. Mr. James Jones, who +keeps a red cow--over his door--claims the original idea of making milk +from a white powder, which, he states, may be done without the tedious +process of evaporation, by using an article entirely known to London +milk-vendors--namely _chalk_. + + * * * * * + + +OH GEMINI! + +At the close of the Civic Festival last week, Sir William Follett inquired +of the Recorder if he had seen his _Castor_. "No," replied Law (holding up +the Attorney-General's fifty-seven penn'orth), "but here is your brother +Pollock's" (_Pollux_.) + + * * * * * + + +"Well," said Sir Peter Hobler the other morning, "I should think you will +be denied the _entree_ to the Palace after your decision of Saturday." +"Why so?" inquired the knight of leather. "For fear you should cut off the +heir to the Throne!" screamed Hobler, and vanished. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 20, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14937.txt or 14937.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14937/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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