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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 12, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 12, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14927]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 12, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+[Illustration: A]"After the ceremony, the happy pair set off for
+Brighton."
+
+There is something peculiarly pleasing in the above paragraph. The
+imagination instantly conjures up an elegant yellow-bodied chariot, lined
+with pearl drab, and a sandwich basket. In one corner sits a fair and
+blushing creature partially arrayed in the garments of a bride, their
+spotless character diversified with some few articles of a darker hue,
+resembling, in fact, the liquid matrimony of port and sherry; her delicate
+hands have been denuded of their gloves, exhibiting to the world the
+glittering emblem of her endless hopes. In the other, a smiling piece of
+four-and-twenty humanity is reclining, gazing upon the beautiful treasure,
+which has that morning cost him about six pounds five shillings, in the
+shape of licence and fees. He too has deprived himself of the sunniest
+portions of his wardrobe, and has softened the glare of his white ducks,
+and the gloss of his blue coat, by the application of a drab waistcoat.
+But why indulge in speculative dreams when we have realities to detail!
+
+Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite and his beauteous Juliana Theresa (late
+Waddledot), for three days, experienced that--
+
+  "Love is heaven, and heaven is love."
+
+His imaginary dinner-party became a reality, and the delicate attentions
+which he paid to his invisible guest rendered his Juliana Theresa's
+life--as she exquisitely expressed it--
+
+  "A something without a name, but to which nothing was wanting."
+
+But even honey will cloy; and that sweetest of all moons, the Apian one,
+would sometimes be better for a change. Juliana passed the greater portion
+of the day on the sofa, in the companionship of that aromatic author, Sir
+Edward; or sauntered (listlessly hanging on Collumpsion's arm) up and down
+the Steine, or the no less diversified Chain-pier. Agamemnon felt that at
+home at least he ought to be happy, and, therefore, he hung his legs over
+the balcony and whistled or warbled (he had a remarkably fine D) Moore's
+ballad of--
+
+  "Believe me, if all those endearing young charms;"
+
+or took the silver out of the left-hand pocket of his trousers, and placed
+it in the right-hand receptacle of the same garment. Nevertheless, he was
+continually detecting himself yawning or dozing, as though "the idol of
+his existence" was a chimera, and not Mrs. Applebite.
+
+The time at length arrived for their return to town, and, to judge from
+the pleasure depicted in the countenances of the happy pair, the
+contemplated intrusion of the world on their family circle was anything
+but disagreeable. Old John, under the able generalship of Mrs. Waddledot,
+had made every requisite preparation for their reception. Enamelled cards,
+superscribed with the names of Mr. and Mrs. Applebite, and united together
+with a silver cord tied in a true lover's knot, had been duly enclosed in
+an envelope of lace-work, secured with a silver dove, flying away with a
+square piece of silver toast. In company with a very unsatisfactory bit of
+exceedingly rich cake, this glossy missive was despatched to the whole of
+the Applebite and Waddledot connexion, only excepting the eighteen
+daughters who Mrs. Waddledot had reason to believe would not return her
+visit.
+
+The meeting of the young wife and the wife's mother was touching in the
+extreme. They rushed into each other's arms, and indulged in plentiful
+showers of "nature's dew."
+
+"Welcome! welcome _home_, my dear Juliana!" exclaimed the doting mother.
+"It's the first time, Mr. A., that she ever left me since she was 16, for
+so long a period. I have had all the beds aired, and all the chairs
+uncovered. She'll be a treasure to you, Mr. A., for a more tractable
+creature was never vaccinated;" and here the mother overcame the orator,
+and she wept again.
+
+"My dear mother," said Agamemnon, "I have already had many reasons to be
+grateful for my happy fortune. Don't you think she is browner than when we
+left town?"
+
+"Much, much!" sobbed the mother; "but the change is for the better."
+
+"I'm glad you think so, for Aggy is of the same opinion," lisped the
+beautiful ex-Waddledot. "Tell ma' the pretty metaphor you indulged in
+yesterday, Aggy."
+
+"Why, I merely remarked," replied Collumpsion, blushing, "that I was
+pleased to see the horticultural beauties of her cheek superseded by such
+an exquisite marine painting. It's nothing of itself, but Juley's foolish
+fondness called it witty."
+
+The arrival of the single sister of Mrs. Applebite, occasioned another
+rush of bodies and several gushes of tears; then titterings succeeded, and
+then a simultaneous burst of laughter, and a rapid exit. Agamemnon looked
+round that room which he had furnished in his bachelorhood. A thousand old
+associations sprung up in his mind, and a vague feeling of anticipated
+evil for a moment oppressed him. The _bijouterie_ seemed to reproach him
+with unkindness for having placed a mistress over them, and the easy chair
+heaved as though with suppressed emotion, at the thought that its
+luxurious proportions had lost their charms. Collumpsion held a mental
+toss-up whether he repented of the change in his condition; and, as
+faithful historians, we are compelled to state that it was only the
+entrance, at that particular moment, of Juliana, that induced him to
+cry--woman.
+
+On the following day the knocker of No. 24 disturbed all the other
+numerals in Pleasant-terrace; and Mr. and Mrs. A. bowed and curtsied until
+they were tired, in acknowledgment of their friends' "wishes of joy," and,
+as one unlucky old gentleman expressed himself, "many happy returns of the
+day."
+
+It was a matter of surprise to many of the said friends, that so great an
+alteration as was perceptible in the happy pair, should have occurred in
+such a very short space of time.
+
+"I used to think Mr. Applebite a very nice young man," said _Miss_--mind,
+Miss Scragbury--"but, dear me, how he's altered."
+
+"And Mrs. Applebite used to be a pretty girl," rejoined her brother
+Julius; "but now (Juliana had refused him three times)--but now she's as
+ill-looking as her mother."
+
+"I'd no idea this house was so small," said Mrs. Scragmore. "I'm afraid
+the Waddledots haven't made so great a catch, after all. I hope poor Juley
+will be happy, for I nursed her when a baby, but I never saw such an ugly
+pattern for a stair-carpet in my born days;" and with these favourable
+impressions of their dear friends the Applebites, the Scragmores descended
+the steps of No. 24, Pleasant-terrace, and then ascended those of No. 5436
+hackney-coach.
+
+About ten months after their union, Collumpsion was observed to have a
+more jaunty step and smiling countenance, which--as his matrimonial
+felicity had been so frequently pronounced perfect--puzzled his friends
+amazingly. Indeed, some were led to conjecture, that his love for Juliana
+Theresa was not of the positive character that he asserted it to be; for
+when any inquiries were made after her health, his answer had invariably
+been, of late, "Why, Mrs. A.--is--not very well;" and a smile would play
+about his mouth, as though he had a delightful vision of a widower-hood.
+The mystery was at length solved, by the exhibition of sundry articles of
+a Lilliputian wardrobe, followed by an announcement in the _Morning Post_,
+under the head of
+
+    "BIRTHS.--Yesterday morning, the lady of Agamemnon Collumpsion
+    Applebite, Esq., of a son and heir."
+
+Pleasant-terrace was _strawed_ from one end to the other; the knocker of
+24 was encased in white kid, a doctor's boy was observed to call three
+times a-day, and a pot-boy twice as often.
+
+Collumpsion was in a seventh heaven of wedded bliss. He shook hands with
+everybody--thanked everybody--invited everybody when Mrs. A. should be
+better, and noted down in his pocket-book what everybody prescribed as
+infallible remedies for the measles, hooping-cough, small-pox, and rashes
+(both nettle and tooth)--listened for hours to the praises of vaccination
+and Indian-rubber rings--pronounced Goding's porter a real blessing to
+mothers, and inquired the price of boys' suits and rocking-horses!
+
+In this state of paternal felicity we must leave him till our next.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO CAPITALISTS.
+
+It is rumoured that Macready is desirous of disposing of his "manners"
+previous to becoming manager, when he will have no further occasion for
+them. They are in excellent condition, having been very little used, and
+would be a desirable purchase for any one expecting to move within the
+sphere of his management.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REASON'S NE PLUS ULTRA.
+
+  A point impossible for mind to reach--
+  To find _the meaning_ of a royal speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN APPROPRIATE NAME.
+
+The late Queen of the Sandwich Islands, and the first convert to
+Christianity in that country, was called _Keopalani_, which means--"_the
+dropping of the clouds from Heaven_."
+
+EPIGRAM ON THE ABOVE.
+
+  This name's the best that could be given,
+    As will by proof be quickly seen;
+  For, "dropping from the clouds of Heaven,"
+    She was, of course, the _raining_ Queen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CAUTION TO SPORTSMEN.
+
+Our gallant friend Sibthorp backed himself on the 1st of September to bag
+a hundred leverets in the course of the day. He lost, of course; and upon
+being questioned as to his reason for making so preposterous a bet, he
+confessed that he had been induced to do so by the specious promise of an
+advertisement, in which somebody professed to have discovered "_a powder
+for the removal of superfluous hairs_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUT OF SEASON.
+
+
+A LYRIC, BY THE LAST MAN--IN TOWN.
+
+  Chaos returns! no soul's in town!
+    And darkness reigns where lamps once brightened;
+  Shutters are closed, and blinds drawn down--
+    Untrodden door-steps go unwhitened!
+  The echoes of some straggler's boots
+    Alone are on the pavement ringing
+  While 'prentice boys, who smoke cheroots,
+    Stand critics to some broom-girl's singing.
+
+  I went to call on Madame Sims,
+    In a dark street, not far from Drury;
+  An Irish crone half-oped the door.
+    Whose head might represent a fury.
+  "At home, sir?" "No! (_whisper_)--but I'll presume
+    To tell the truth, or know the _raison_.
+  She dines--tays--lives--in the back room,
+    Bekase 'tis not the London _saison_."
+
+  From thence I went to Lady Bloom's,
+    Where, after sundry rings and knocking,
+  A yawning, liveried lad appear'd,
+    His squalid face his gay clothes mocking
+  I asked him, in a faltering tone--
+    The house was closed--I guess'd the reason--
+  "Is Lady B.'s grand-aunt, then, gone?"--
+    "To Ramsgate, sir!--until next season!"
+
+  I sauntered on to Harry Gray's,
+    The _ennui_ of my heart to lighten;
+  His landlady, with, smirk and smile,
+    Said, "he had just run down to Brighton."
+  When home I turned my steps, at last,
+    A tailor--whom to kick were treason--
+  Pressed for his bill;--I hurried past,
+    Politely saying--CALL NEXT SEASON!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+We concluded our last article with a brief dissertation on the cut of the
+trousers; we will now proceed to the consideration of coats.
+
+  "The hour must come when such things must be made."
+
+For this quotation we are indebted to
+
+[Illustration: THE POET'S PAGE.]
+
+There are three kinds of coats--the body, the surtout, and the great.
+
+The body-coat is again divided into classes, according to their
+application, viz.--the drawing-room, the ride, and the field.
+
+The cut of the dress-coat is of paramount importance, that being the
+garment which decorates the gentleman at a time when he is naturally
+ambitious of going the entire D'Orsay. There is great nicety required in
+cutting this article of dress, so that it may at one and the same moment
+display the figure and waistcoat of the wearer to the utmost advantage.
+None but a John o'Groat's goth would allow it to be imagined that the
+buttons and button-holes of this _robe_ were ever intended to be anything
+but opposite neighbours, for a contrary conviction would imply the absence
+of a cloak in the hall or a cab at the door. We do not intend to give a
+Schneiderian dissertation upon garments; we merely wish to trace outlines;
+but to those who are anxious for a more intimate acquaintance with the
+intricacies and mysteries of the delightful and civilising art of cutting,
+we can only say, _Vide_ Stultz.[1]
+
+    [1] Should any gentleman avail himself of this hint, we should feel
+        obliged if he would mention the source from whence it was
+        derived, having a small account standing in that quarter, for
+        tailors have gratitude.
+
+The riding-coat is the connecting link between the DRESS and the rest of
+the great family of coats, as _one_ button, and one only of this garment,
+may be allowed to be applied to his apparent use.
+
+It is so cut, that the waistcoat pockets may be easy of access. Any
+gentleman who has attended races or other sporting meetings must have
+found the convenience of this arrangement; for where the course is well
+managed, as at Epsom, Ascot, Hampton, &c., by the judicious regulations of
+the stewards, the fingers are generally employed in the distribution of
+those miniature argentine medallions of her Majesty so particularly
+admired by ostlers, correct card-vendors, E.O. table-keepers, Mr. Jerry,
+and the toll-takers on the road and the course. The original idea of these
+coats was accidentally given by John Day, who was describing, on Nugee's
+cutting-board, the exact curvature of Tattenham Corner.
+
+The shooting-jacket should be designed after a dovecot or a chest of
+drawers; and the great art in rendering this garment perfect, is to make
+the coat entirely of pockets, that part which covers the shoulders being
+only excepted, from the difficulty of carrying even a cigar-case in that
+peculiar situation.
+
+The surtout (not regulation) admits of very little design. It can only be
+varied by the length of the skirts, which may be either as long as a
+fireman's, or as short as Duvernay's petticoats. This coat is, in fact, a
+cross between the dress and the driving, and may, perhaps, be described as
+a Benjamin junior.
+
+Of the Benjamin senior, there are several kinds--the Taglioni, the Pea,
+the Monkey, the Box, _et sui generis_.
+
+The three first are all of the coal-sackian cut, being, in fact, elegant
+elongated pillow-cases, with two diminutive bolsters, which are to be
+filled with arms instead of feathers. They are singularly adapted for
+concealing the fall in the back, and displaying to the greatest advantage
+those unassuming castors designated "Jerrys," which have so successfully
+rivalled those silky impostors known to the world as
+
+[Illustration: THIS (S)TILE--FOUR-AND-NINE.]
+
+The box-coat has, of late years, been denuded of its layers of capes, and
+is now cut for the sole purpose, apparently, of supporting perpendicular
+rows of wooden platters or mother-of-pearl counters, each of which would
+be nearly large enough for the top of a lady's work-table.
+Mackintosh-coats have, in some measure, superseded the box-coat; but, like
+carters' smock-frocks, they are all the creations of speculative minds,
+having the great advantage of keeping out the water, whilst they assist
+you in becoming saturated with perspiration. We strongly suspect their
+acquaintance with India-rubber; they seem to us to be a preparation of
+English rheumatism, having rather more of the catarrh than caoutchouc in
+their composition. Everybody knows the affinity of India-rubber to
+black-lead; but when made into a Mackintosh, you may substitute the _lum_
+for the _plum_bago.
+
+We never see a fellow in a seal-skin cap, and one of these waterproof
+pudding-bags, but we fancy he would make an excellent model for
+
+[Illustration: THE FIGURE-HEAD OF A CONVICT SHIP.]
+
+The ornaments and pathology will next command our attention.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A friend insulted us the other day with the following:--"Billy Black
+supposes Sam Rogers wears a tightly-laced boddice. Why is it like one of
+Milton's heroes?" Seeing we gave it up, he replied--"Because
+Sam's-on-agony-stays."--(Samson _Agonistes_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GOLDEN-SQUARE REVOLUTION.
+
+[BY EXPRESS.]
+
+This morning, at an early hour, we were thrown into the greatest
+consternation by a column of boys, who poured in upon us from the northern
+entrance, and, taking up their-station near the pump, we expected the
+worst.
+
+_8 o'clock._--The worst has not yet happened. An inhabitant has entered
+the square-garden, and planted himself at the back of the statue; but
+everything is in STATUE QUO.
+
+_5 minutes past 8._--The boys are still there. The square-keeper is
+nowhere to be found.
+
+_10 minutes past 8._--The insurgents have, some of them, mounted on the
+fire-escape. The square-keeper has been seen. He is sneaking round the
+corner, and resolutely refuses to come nearer.
+
+_1/4 past 8._--A deputation has waited on the square-keeper. It is
+expected that he will resign.
+
+_20 minutes past 8._--The square-keeper refuses to resign.
+
+_22 minutes past 8._--The square-keeper has resigned.
+
+_25 minutes past 8._--The boys have gone home.
+
+_1/2 past 8._--The square-keeper has been restored, and is showing great
+courage and activity. It is not thought necessary to place him under arms;
+but he is under the engine, which can he brought into play at a moment's
+notice. His activity is surprising, and his resolution quite undaunted.
+
+_9 o'clock._--All is perfectly quiet, and the letters are being delivered
+by the general post-man as usual. The inhabitants appear to be going to
+their business, as if nothing had happened. The square-keeper, with the
+whole of his staff (a constable's staff), may be seen walking quietly up
+and down. The revolution is at an end; and, thanks to the fire-engine, our
+old constitution is still preserved to us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECOLLECTIONS OF A TRIP IN MR HAMPTON'S BALLOON.
+
+IN A LETTER FROM A WOULD-BE PASSENGER.
+
+My dear Friend.--You are aware how long I have been longing to go up in a
+balloon, and that I should certainly have some time ago ascended with Mr.
+Green, had not his terms been not simply a _cut_ above me, but several
+gashes beyond my power to comply with them. In a word, I did not go up
+with the Nassau, because I could not come down with the dust, and though I
+always had "Green in my eye," I was not quite so soft as to pay twenty
+pounds in hard cash for the fun of going, on
+
+[Illustration: A DARK (K)NIGHT,]
+
+nobody knows where, and coming down Heaven knows how, in a field belonging
+to the Lord knows who, and being detained for goodness knows what, for
+damage.
+
+Not being inclined, therefore, for a nice and expensive voyage with Mr.
+Green, I made a cheap and nasty arrangement with Mr. Hampton, the
+gentleman who courageously offers to descend in a parachute--a thing very
+like a parasol--and who, as he never mounts much above the height of
+ordinary palings, might keep his word without the smallest risk of any
+personal inconvenience.
+
+It was arranged and publicly announced that the balloon, carrying its
+owner and myself, should start from the Tea-gardens of the _Mitre and
+Mustard Pot_, at six o'clock in the evening; and the public were to be
+admitted at one, to see the process of inflation, it being shrewdly
+calculated by the proprietor, that, as the balloon got full, the stomachs
+of the lookers on would be getting empty, and that the refreshments would
+go off while the tedious work of filling a silken bag with gas was going
+on, so that the appetites and the curiosity of the public would be at the
+same time satisfied.
+
+The process of inflation seemed to have but little effect on the balloon,
+and it was not until about five o'clock that the important discovery was
+made, that the gas introduced at the bottom had been escaping through a
+hole in the top, and that the Equitable Company was laying it on
+excessively thick through the windpipes of the assembled company.
+
+Six o'clock arrived, and, according to contract, the supply of gas was cut
+off, when the balloon, that had hitherto worn such an appearance as just
+to give a hope that it might in time be full, began to present an aspect
+which induced a general fear that it must very shortly be empty. The
+audience began to be impatient for the promised ascent, and while the
+aeronaut was running about in all directions looking for the hole, and
+wondering how he should stop it up, I was requested by the proprietor of
+the gardens to step into the car, just to check the growing impatience of
+the audience. I was received with that unanimous shout of cheering and
+laughter with which a British audience always welcomes any one who appears
+to have got into an awkward predicament, and I sat for a few minutes,
+quietly expecting to be buried in the silk of the balloon, which was
+beginning to collapse with the greatest rapidity. The spectators becoming
+impatient for the promised ascent, and seeing that it could not be
+achieved, determined, as enlightened British audiences invariably do, that
+if it was not to be done, it should at all events be attempted. In vain
+did Mr. Hampton come forward to apologise for the trifling accident; he
+was met by yells, hoots, hisses, and orange-peel, and the benches were
+just about to be torn up, when he declared, that under any circumstances,
+he was determined to go up--an arrangement in which I was refusing to
+coincide--when, just as he had got into the car, all means of getting out
+were withdrawn from under us--the ropes were cut, and the ascent commenced
+in earnest.
+
+The majestic machine rose slowly to the height of about eight feet, amid
+the most enthusiastic cheers, when it rolled over among some trees, amid
+the most frantic laughter. Mr. Hampton, with singular presence of mind,
+threw out every ounce of ballast, which caused the balloon to ascend a few
+feet higher, when a tremendous gust of easterly wind took us triumphantly
+out of the gardens, the palings of which we cleared with considerable
+nicety. The scene at this moment was magnificent; the silken monster, in a
+state of flabbiness, rolling and fluttering above, while below us were
+thousands of spectators, absolutely shrieking with merriment. Another gust
+of wind carried us rapidly forward, and, bringing us exactly in a level
+with a coach-stand, we literally swept, with the bottom of our car, every
+driver from off his box, and, of course, the enthusiasm of a British
+audience almost reached its climax. We now encountered the gable-end of a
+station-house, and the balloon being by this time thoroughly collapsed,
+our aerial trip was brought to an abrupt conclusion. I know nothing more
+of what occurred, having been carried on a shutter, in a state of
+
+[Illustration: SUSPENDED ANIMATION,]
+
+to my own lodging, while my companion was left to fight it out with the
+mob, who were so anxious to possess themselves of some _memento_ of the
+occasion, that the balloon was torn to ribbons, and a fragment of it
+carried away by almost every one of the vast multitude which had assembled
+to honour him with their patronage.
+
+I have the honour to be, yours, &c.
+A. SPOONEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FEARFUL STATE OF LONDON!
+
+A country gentleman informs us that he was horror-stricken at the sight of
+an apparently organised band, wearing fustian coats, decorated with
+curious brass badges, bearing exceedingly high numbers, who perched
+themselves behind the Paddington omnibuses, and, in the most barefaced and
+treasonable manner, urged the surrounding populace to open acts of daring
+violence, and wholesale arson, by shouting out, at the top of their
+voices, "O burn, the City, and the Bank."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"WHO ARE TO BE THE LORDS IN WAITING."
+
+  "We have lordlings in dozens," the Tories exclaim,
+    "To fill every place from the throng;
+  Although the cursed Whigs, be it told to our shame,
+    Kept us _poor lords in waiting_ too long."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LOOKING ON THE BLACK SIDE OF THINGS.
+
+The Honourable Sambo Sutton begs us to state, that he is not the
+Honourable ---- Sutton who is announced as the Secretary for the Home
+Department. He might have been induced to have stepped into Lord
+Cottenham's shoes, on his
+
+[Illustration: RESIGNING THE SEALS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AWFUL CASE OF SMASHING!--FRIGHTFUL NEGLIGENCE OF THE POLICE
+
+Feargus O'Connor _passed his word_ last week at the London Tavern.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW SWIMMING APPARATUS.
+
+At the late collision between the _Beacon_ brig and the _Topaz_ steamer,
+one of the passengers, anticipating the sinking of both vessels, and being
+strongly embued with the great principle of self-preservation, immediately
+secured himself the assistance of _the anchor_! Did he conceive "Hope" to
+have been unsexed, or that that attribute originally existed as a
+"floating boy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.
+
+    "The Loves of Giles Scroggins and Molly Brown:" an Epic Poem.
+    London: CATNACH.
+
+
+The great essentials necessary for the true conformation of the sublimest
+effort of poetic genius, the construction of an "Epic Poem," are
+numerically three; viz., a beginning, a middle, and an end. The incipient
+characters necessary to the beginning, ripening in the middle, and, like
+the drinkers of small beer and October leaves, falling in the end.
+
+The poem being thus divided into its several stages, the judgment of the
+writer should emulate that of the experienced Jehu, who so proportions
+his work, that all and several of his required teams do their own share
+and no more--fifteen miles (or lengths) to a first canto, and five to a
+second, is as far from right as such a distribution of mile-stones would
+be to the overworked prads. The great fault of modern poetasters arises
+from their extreme love of spinning out an infinite deal of nothing. Now,
+as "brevity is the soul of wit," their productions can be looked upon as
+little else than phantasmagorial skeletons, ridiculous from their extreme
+extenuation, and in appearance more peculiarly empty, from the
+circumstance of their owing their existence to false lights. This fault
+does not exist with all the master spirits, and, though "many a flower is
+born to blush unseen," we now proceed to rescue from obscurity the
+brightest gem of unfamed literature.
+
+Wisdom is said to be found in the mouths of babes and sucklings. So is the
+epic poem of Giles Scroggins. Is wisdom Scroggins, or is Scroggins wisdom?
+We can prove either position, but we are cramped for space, and therefore
+leave the question open. Now for our author and his first line--
+
+  "Giles Scroggins courted Molly Brown."
+
+Beautiful condensation! Is or is not _this_ rushing at once in _medias
+res_? It is; there's no paltry subterfuge about it--no unnecessary wearing
+out of "the waning moon they met by"--"the stars that gazed upon their
+joy"--"the whispering gales that breathed in zephyr's softest
+sighs"--their "lover's perjuries to the distracted trees they wouldn't
+allow to go to sleep." In short, "there's no nonsense"--there's a broad
+assertion of a thrilling fact--
+
+  "Giles Scroggins courted Molly Brown."
+
+So might a thousand folks; therefore (the reader may say) how does this
+establish the individuality of Giles Scroggins, or give an insight to the
+character of the chosen hero of the poem? Mark the next line, and your
+doubts must vanish. He courted her; but why? Ay, why? for the best of all
+possible reasons--condensed in the smallest of all possible space, and yet
+establishing his perfect taste, unequalled judgment, and peculiarly-heroic
+self-esteem--he courted her because she was
+
+  "The fairest maid in all the town."
+
+Magnificent climax! overwhelming reason! Could volumes written, printed,
+or stereotyped, say more? Certainly not; the condensation of "Aurora's
+blushes," "the Graces' attributes," "Venus's perfections," and "Love's
+sweet votaries," all, all is more than spoken in the emphatic words--
+
+  "The fairest maid in all the town."
+
+Nothing can go beyond this; it proves her beauty and her disinterestedness.
+The _fairest_ maid might have chosen, nay, commanded, even a city
+dignitary. Does the so? No; Giles Scroggins, famous only in name, loves
+her, and--beautiful poetic contrivance!--we are left to imagine he does
+"not love unloved." Why should she reciprocate? inquires the reader. Are
+not truth and generosity the princely paragons of manly virtue, greater,
+because unostentatious? and these perfect attributes are part and parcel
+of great Giles. He makes no speeches--soils no satin paper--vows no
+vows--no, he is above such humbug. His motto is evidently deeds, not
+words. And what does he do? Send a flimsy epistle, which his fair reader
+pays the vile postage for? Not he; he
+
+  "_Gave_ a ring with _posy_ true!"
+
+Think of this. Not only does he "give a ring," but he annihilates the
+suppositionary fiction in which poets are supposed to revel, and the
+ring's accompaniment, though the child of a creative brain--the burning
+emanation from some Apollo-stricken votary of "the lying nine," imbued
+with all his stern morality, is strictly "true." This startling fact is
+not left wrapped in mystery. The veriest sceptic cannot, in imagination,
+grave a fancied double meaning on that richest gift. No--the motto
+follows, and seems to say--Now, as the champion of Giles Scroggins, hurl I
+this gauntlet down; let him that dare, uplift it! Here I am--
+
+  "If you _loves_ I, as I _loves_ you!"
+
+Pray mark the syncretic force of the above line. Giles, in expressing his
+affection, felt the singular too small, and the vast plural quick supplied
+the void--_Loves_ must be more than love.
+
+  "If you loves I, as I loves you,
+  No knife shall cut our loves in two!"
+
+This is really sublime! "No knife!" Can anything exceed the assertion?
+Nothing but the rejoinder--a rejoinder in which the talented author not
+only stands proudly forward as a poet, but patriotically proves the _amor
+propriae_, which has induced him to study the staple manufactures of his
+beloved country! What but a diligent investigation of the _cut_lerian
+process could have prompted the illustration of practical knowledge of the
+Birmingham and Sheffield artificers contained in the following exquisitely
+explanatory line. But--pray mark the _but_--
+
+  "But _scissors_ cut as well as knives!"
+
+Sublime announcement! startling information! leading us, by degrees, to
+the highest of all earthly contemplations, exalting us to fate and her
+peculiar shears, and preparing us for the exquisitely poetical sequel
+contained in the following line:--
+
+  "And so un_sart_ain's all our lives."
+
+Can anything exceed this? The uncertainty of life evidently superinduced
+the conviction of all other uncertainties, and the sublime poet bears out
+the intenseness of his impressions by the uncertainty of his spelling!
+Now, reader, mark the next line, and its context:--
+
+  "The very night they were to wed!"
+
+Fancy this: the full blossoming of all their budding joys, anticipations,
+death, and hope's accomplishment, the crowning hour of their youth's great
+bliss, "_the very night they were to wed_," is, with _extra syncretic_
+skill, chosen as the awful one in which
+
+  "Fate's scissors cut Giles Scroggins' thread!"
+
+Now, reader, do you see the subtle use of practical knowledge? Are you
+convinced of the impotent prescription from _knives_ only? Can you not
+perceive in "_Fate's scissors_" a parallel for the unthought-of host "that
+bore the mighty wood of Dunsinane against the blood-stained murderer of
+the pious Duncan?" Does not the fatal truth rush, like an unseen draught
+into rheumatic crannies, slick through your soul's perception? Are you not
+prepared for this--_to be resumed in our next_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE NEW ADMINISTRATION.
+
+FROM OUR OWN COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Lord Lyndhurst is to have the seals; but it is not yet decided who is to
+be entrusted with the wafer-stamps. Gold-stick has not been appointed, and
+there are so many of the Conservatives whose qualities peculiarly fit them
+for the office of _stick_, that the choice will be exceedingly
+embarrassing.
+
+Though the Duke of Wellington does not take office, an extra chair has
+been ordered, to allow of his having a seat in the Cabinet. And though
+Lord Melbourne is no longer minister, he is still to be indulged with a
+lounge on the sofa.
+
+If the Duke of Beaufort is to be Master of the Horse, it is probable that
+a new office will be made, to allow Colonel Sibthorp to take office as
+Comptroller of the Donkeys: and it is said that Horace Twiss is to join
+the administration as Clerk of the Kitchen.
+
+It was remarked, that after Sir Robert Peel had kissed hands, the Queen
+called for soap and water, for the purpose of washing them.
+
+The Duchess of Buccleugh having refused the office of Mistress of the
+Robes, it will not be necessary to make the contemplated new appointment
+of Keeper of the Flannel Petticoats.
+
+The Grooms of the Bedchamber are, for the future, to be styled Postilions
+of the Dressing-room; because, as the Sovereign is a lady, instead of a
+gentleman, it is thought that the latter title, for the officers alluded
+to, will be more in accordance with propriety. For the same excellent
+reason, it is expected that the Knights of the Bath will henceforth be
+designated the Chevaliers of the Foot-pan.
+
+Prince Albert's household is to be entirely re-modelled, and one or two
+new offices are to be added, the want of which has hitherto occasioned his
+Royal Highness much inconvenience. Of these, we are only authorised in
+alluding, at present, to Tooth-brush in Ordinary, and Shaving-pot in
+Waiting. There is no foundation for the report that there is to be a Lord
+High Clothes-brush, or Privy Boot-jack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A VOICE FROM THE AREA.
+
+The following letter has been addressed to us by a certain party, who, as
+our readers will perceive, has been one of the sufferers by the late
+_clearance_ made in a fashionable establishment at the West-end:--
+
+DEAR PUNCH.--As you may not be awair of the mallancoly change wich as
+okkurred to the pore sarvunts here, I hassen to let you no--that every
+sole on us as lost our plaices, and are turnd owt--wich is a dredful
+klamity, seeing as we was all very comfittible and appy as we was. I must
+say, in gustis to our Missus, that she was very fond of us, and wouldn't
+have parted with one of us if she had her will: but she's only a O in her
+own howse, and is never aloud to do as she licks. We got warning reglar
+enuff, but we still thort that somethink might turn up in our fever.
+However, when the day cum that we was to go, it fell upon us like a
+thunderboat. You can't imagine the kunfewshion we was all threw
+into--every body packing up their little afares, and rummidging about for
+any trifele that wasn't worth leaving behind. The sarvunts as is cum in
+upon us is a nice sett; they have been a long wile trying after our
+places, and at last they have suckseeded in underminding us; but it's my
+oppinion they'll never be able to get through the work of the house;--all
+they cares for is the vails and purkussites. I forgot to menshun that they
+hadn't the decency to wait till we was off the peremasses, wich I bleave
+is the _etticat_ in sich cases, but rushed in on last Friday, and tuck
+possession of all our plaices before we had left the concirn. I leave you
+to judge by this what a hurry they was to get in. There's one comfurt,
+however, that is--we've left things in sich a mess in the howse, that I
+don't think they'll ever be able to set them to rites again. This is all
+at present from your afflickted friend,
+
+JOHN THE FOOTMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"I declare I never knew a _flatter_ companion than yourself," said Tom of
+Finsbury, the other evening, to the lion of Lambeth. "Thank you, Tom,"
+replied the latter; "but all the world knows that you're a _flatter-er_."
+Tom, in nautical phrase, swore, if he ever came athwart his _Hawes_, that
+he would return the compliment with interest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MY FRIEND TOM.
+
+  --"Here, methinks,
+  Truth wants no ornament."--ROGERS.
+
+We have the happiness to know a gentleman of the name of Tom, who
+officiates in the capacity of ostler. We have enjoyed a long acquaintance
+with him--we mean an acquaintance a long way off--i.e. from the window of
+our dormitory, which overlooks A--s--n's stables. We believe we are the
+first of our family, for some years, who has not kept a horse; and we
+derive a melancholy gratification in gazing for hours, from our lonely
+height, at the zoological possessions of more favoured mortals.
+
+"The horse is a noble animal," as a gentleman once wittily observed, when
+he found himself, for the first time in his life, in a position to make
+love; and we beg leave to repeat the remark--"the horse is a noble
+animal," whether we consider him in his usefulness or in his beauty;
+whether caparisoned in the _chamfrein_ and _demi-peake_ of the chivalry of
+olden times, or scarcely fettered and surmounted by the snaffle and
+hog-skin of the present; whether he excites our envy when bounding over
+the sandy deserts of Arabia, or awakens our sympathies when drawing sand
+from Hampstead and the parts adjacent; whether we see him as romance
+pictures him, foaming in the lists, or bearing, "through flood and field,"
+the brave, the beautiful, and the benighted; or, as we know him in
+reality, the companion of our pleasures, the slave of our necessities, the
+dislocator of our necks, or one of the performers at our funeral;
+whether--but we are not drawing a "bill in Chancery."
+
+With such impressions in favour of the horse, we have ever felt a deep
+anxiety about those to whom his conduct and comfort are confided.
+
+    The breeder--we envy.
+    The breaker--we pity.
+    The owner--we esteem.
+    The groom--we respect.
+        AND
+    The ostler--we pay.
+
+Do not suppose that we wish to cast a slur upon the latter personage, but
+it is too much to require that he who keeps a caravansera should look upon
+every wayfarer as a brother. It is thus with the ostler: _his_ feelings
+are never allowed to twine
+
+  "Around one object, till he feels his heart
+  Of its sweet being form a deathless part."
+
+No--to rub them down, give them a quartern and three pen'orth, and not too
+much water, are all that he has to connect him with the offspring of
+Childers, Eclipse, or Pot-8-o's; ergo, we pay him.
+
+My friend Tom is a fine specimen of the genus. He is about fifteen hands
+high, rising thirty, herring-bowelled, small head, large ears, close mane,
+broad chest, and legs a la parentheses ( ). His dress is a long
+brown-holland jacket, covering the protuberance known in Bavaria by the
+name of _pudo_, and in England by that of _bustle_. His breeches are of
+cord about an inch in width, and of such capacious dimensions, that a
+truss of hay, or a quarter of oats, might be stowed away in them with
+perfect convenience: not that we mean to insinuate they are ever thus
+employed, for when we have seen them, they have been in a collapsed state,
+hanging (like the skin of an elephant) in graceful festoons about the
+mid-person of the wearer. These necessaries are confined at the knee by a
+transverse row of pearl buttons crossing the _genu patella_. The _pars
+pendula_ is about twelve inches wide, and supplies, during conversation or
+rumination, a resting-place for the thumbs or little fingers. His legs are
+encased either in white ribbed cotton stockings, or that peculiar kind of
+gaiter 'yclept _kicksies_. His feet know only one pattern shoe, the
+_ancle-jack_ (or _highlow_ as it is sometimes called), resplendent with
+"Day and Martin," or the no less brilliant "Warren." Genius of propriety,
+we have described his tail before that index of the mind, that idol of
+phrenologists, his pimple!--we beg pardon, we mean his head. Round, and
+rosy as a pippin, it stands alone in its native loveliness, on the heap of
+clothes beneath.
+
+Tom is not a low man; he has not a particle of costermongerism in his
+composition, though his discourse savours of that peculiar slang that
+might be considered rather objectionable in the _salons_ of the _elite_.
+
+The bell which he has the honour to answer hangs at the gate of a west-end
+livery-stables, and his consequence is proportionate. To none under the
+degree of a groom does he condescend a nod of recognition--with a second
+coachman he drinks porter--and purl (a compound of beer and blue ruin)
+with the more respectable individual who occupies the hammer-cloth on
+court-days. Tom estimates a man according to his horse, and his civility
+is regulated according to his estimation. He pockets a gratuity with as
+much ease as a state pensioner; but if some unhappy wight should, in the
+plenitude of his ignorance, proffer a sixpence, Tom buttons his pockets
+with a smile, and politely "begs to leave it till it becomes more."
+
+With an old meerschaum and a pint of tolerable sherry, we seat ourselves
+at our window, and hold many an imaginative conversation with our friend
+Tom. Sometimes we are blest with more than ideality; but that is only when
+he unbends and becomes jocular and noisy, or chooses a snug corner
+opposite our window to enjoy his _otium_--confound that phrase!--we would
+say his indolence and swagger--
+
+  "A pound to a hay-seed agin' the bay."
+
+Hallo! that's Tom! Yes--there he comes laughing out of "Box 4," with three
+others--all _first_ coachmen. One is making some very significant motions
+to the potboy at the "Ram and Radish," and, lo! Ganymede appears with a
+foaming tankard of ale. Tom has taken his seat on an inverted pail, and
+the others are grouped easily, if not classically, around him.
+
+One is resting his head between the prongs of a stable-fork; another is
+spread out like the Colossus of Rhodes; whilst a gentleman in a blue
+uniform has thrown himself into an attitude a la Cribb, with the facetious
+intention of "letting daylight into the _wittling_ department" of the
+pot-boy of the "Ram and Radish."
+
+Tom has blown the froth from the tankard, and (as he elegantly designates
+it) "bit his name in the pot." A second has "looked at the maker's name;"
+and another has taken one of those positive draughts which evince a
+settled conviction that it is a last chance.
+
+Our friend has thrust his hands into the deepest depths of his
+breeches-pocket, and cocking one eye at the afore-named blue uniform,
+asks--
+
+"_Will_ you back the bay?"
+
+The inquiry has been made in such a do-if-you-dare tone, that to hesitate
+would evince a cowardice unworthy of the first coachman to the first peer
+in Belgrave-square, and a leg of mutton and trimmings are duly entered in
+a greasy pocket-book, as dependent upon the result of the Derby.
+
+"The son of Tros, fair Ganymede," is again called into requisition, and
+the party are getting, as Tom says, "As happy as Harry Stockracy."
+
+"I've often heerd that chap mentioned," remarks the blue uniform, "but I
+never seed no one as know'd him."
+
+"No more did I," replies Tom, "though he must be a fellow such as us, up
+to everything."
+
+All the coachmen cough, strike an attitude, and look wise.
+
+"Now here comes a sort of chap I despises," remarks Tom, pointing to a
+steady-looking man, without encumbrance, who had just entered the yard,
+evidently a coachman to a pious family; "see him handle a _hoss_.
+Smear--smear--like bees-waxing a table. Nothing varminty about
+him--nothing of this sort of thing (spreading himself out to the gaze of
+his admiring auditory), but I suppose he's useful with slow cattle, and
+that's a consolation to us as can't abear them." And with this negative
+compliment Tom has broken up his _conversazione_.
+
+I once knew a country ostler--by name Peter Staggs--he was a lower species
+of the same genus--a sort of compound of my friend Tom and a waggoner--the
+_delf_ of the profession. He was a character in his way; he knew the exact
+moment of every coach's transit on his line of road, and the birth,
+parentage, and education of every cab, hack, and draught-horse in the
+neighbourhood. He had heard of a mane-comb, but had never seen one; he
+considered a shilling for a "feed" perfectly apocryphal, as he had never
+received one. He kept a rough terrier-dog, that would kill anything in the
+country, and exhibited three rows of putrified rats, nailed at the back of
+the stable, as evidences of the prowess of his dog. He swore long country
+oaths, for which he will be unaccountable, as not even an angel could
+transcribe them. In short, he was a little "varminty," but very little.
+
+We will conclude this "lytle historie" with the epitaph of poor Peter
+Staggs, which we copied from a rail in Swaffham churchyard.
+
+    "EPITAPH ON PETER STAGGS.
+
+  Poor Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
+  Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
+  For twenty years he did the duties well,
+  Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the 'Bell.'
+  But Death stepp'd in, and order'd Peter Staggs
+  To feed his worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
+  The church clock struck one--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
+  Who sigh'd, 'I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!'"
+
+Peace to his manes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A HINT FOR POLITICIANS.
+
+"If you won't turn, _I_ will," as the mill-wheel said to the stream.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"Why did not Wellington take a post in the new Cabinet?" asked Dicky Sheil
+of O'Connell.--"_Bathershin!_" replied the _head_ of the _tail_, "the Duke
+is too old a soldier to lean on a rotten _stick_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Lord Morpeth intends proceeding to Canada immediately. The object of his
+journey is purely scientific; he wishes to ascertain if the _Fall of
+Niagara_ be really greater than the _fall of the Whigs_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PRO AND CON.
+
+"When is Peel not Peel?"--"When he's _candi(e)d_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GALVANISM OUTDONE.
+
+We have heard of the very dead being endowed, by galvanic action, with the
+temporary powers of life, and on such occasions the extreme force of the
+apparatus has ever received the highest praise. The Syncretic march of
+mind rectifies the above error--with them, weakness is strength. Fancy the
+alliterative littleness of a "Stephens" and a "Selby," as the tools from
+which the drama must receive its glorious resuscitation!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEWS FOR THE SYNCRETICS.
+
+_(Extracted from the "Stranger's Guide to London.")_
+
+Bedlam, the celebrated receptacle for lunatics, is situated in St.
+George's-fields, _within five minutes' walk of the King's Bench_. There is
+also another noble establishment in the neighbourhood of Finsbury-square,
+where the unhappy victims of extraordinary delusions are treated with the
+care and consideration their several hallucinations require.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PEEL "REGULARLY CALLED IN."
+
+At length, PEEL is called in "in a regular way." Being assured of his
+quarterly fee, the state physician may now, in the magnanimity of his
+soul, prescribe new life for moribund John Bull. Whether he has resolved
+within himself to emulate the generous dealing of kindred professors--of
+those sanative philosophers, whose benevolence, stamped in modest
+handbills, "crieth out in the street," exclaiming "No cure no pay,"--we
+know not; certain we are, that such is not the old Tory practice. On the
+contrary, the healing, with Tory doctors, has ever been in an inverse
+ratio to the reward. Like the faculty at large, the Tories have flourished
+on the sickness of the patient. They have, with _Falstaff_, "turned
+diseases to commodity;" their only concern being to keep out the
+undertaker. Whilst there's life, there's profit,--is the philosophy of the
+Tory College; hence, poor Mr. Bull, though shrunk, attenuated,--with a
+blister on his head, and cataplasms at his soles,--has been kept just
+alive enough to pay. And then his patience under Tory treatment--the
+obedience of his swallow! "Admirable, excellent!" cried a certain doctor
+(we will not swear that his name was not PEEL), when his patient pointed
+to a dozen empty phials. "Taken them all, eh? Delightful! My dear sir, you
+are _worthy_ to be ill." JOHN BULL having again called in the Tories, is
+"worthy to be ill;" and very ill he will be.
+
+The tenacity of life displayed by BULL is paralleled by a case quoted by
+LE VAILLANT. That naturalist speaks of a turtle that continued to live
+after its brain was taken from its skull, and the cavity stuffed _with
+cotton_. Is not England, with spinning-jenny PEEL at the head of its
+affairs, in this precise predicament? England may live; but inactive,
+torpid; unfitted for all healthful exertion,--deprived of its grandest
+functions--paralyzed in its noblest strength. We have a Tory Cabinet, but
+where is the _brain_ of statesmanship?
+
+Now, however, there are no Tories. Oh, no! Sir ROBERT PEEL is a
+Conservative--LYNDHURST is a Conservative--all are Conservative. Toryism
+has sloughed its old skin, and rejoices in a new coat of many colours; but
+the sting remains--the venom is the same; the reptile that would have
+struck to the heart the freedom of Europe, elaborates the self-same
+poison, is endowed with the same subtilty, the same grovelling, tortuous
+action. It still creeps upon its belly, and wriggles to its purpose. When
+adders shall become eels, then will we believe that Conservatives cannot
+be Tories.
+
+When folks change their names--unless by the gracious permission of the
+_Gazette_--they rarely do so to avoid the fame of brilliant deeds. It is
+not the act of an over-sensitive modesty that induces _Peter Wiggins_ to
+dub himself _John Smith_. Be certain of it, _Peter_ has not saved half a
+boarding-school from the tremendous fire that entirely destroyed "Ringworm
+House"--_Peter_ has not dived into the Thames, and rescued some
+respectable attorney from a death hitherto deemed by his friends
+impossible to him. It is from no such heroism that _Peter Wiggins_ is
+compelled to take refuge in _John Smith_ from the oppressive admiration of
+the world about him. Certainly not. Depend upon it, _Peter_ has been
+signalised in the _Hue and Cry_, as one endowed with a love for the silver
+spoons of other men--as an individual who, abusing the hospitality of his
+lodgings, has conveyed away and sold the best goose feathers of his
+landlady. What then, with his name ripe enough to drop from the tree of
+life, remains to _Wiggins_, but to subside into _Smith_? What hope was
+there for the well-known swindler, the posted pickpocket, the
+callous-hearted, slug-brained _Tory_? None: he was hooted, pelted at; all
+men stopped the nose at his approach. He was voted a nuisance, and turned
+forth into the world, with all his vices, like ulcers, upon him. Well,
+_Tory_ adopts the inevitable policy of _Wiggins_; he changes his name! He
+comes forth, curled and sweetened, and with a smile upon his mealy face,
+and placing his felon hand above the _vacuum_ on the left side of his
+bosom--declares, whilst the tears he weeps would make a crocodile
+blush--that he is by no means the _Tory_ his wicked, heartless enemies
+would call him. Certainly not. His name is--_Conservative!_ There was,
+once, to be sure, a _Tory_--in existence;
+
+  "But he is dead, and nailed in his chest!"
+
+He is a creature extinct, gone with the wolves annihilated by the Saxon
+monarch. There may be the skeleton of the animal in some rare collections
+in the kingdom; but for the living creature, you shall as soon find a
+phoenix building in the trees of Windsor Park, as a _Tory_ kissing hands
+in Windsor Castle!
+
+The lie is but gulped as a truth, and _Conservative_ is taken into
+service. Once more, he is the _factotum_ to JOHN BULL. But when the knave
+shall have worn out his second name--when he shall again be turned
+away--look to your feather-beds, oh, JOHN! and foolish, credulous,
+leathern-eared Mr. BULL--be sure and count your spoons!
+
+Can it be supposed that the loss of office, that the ten years' hunger for
+the loaves and fishes endured by the Tory party, has disciplined them into
+a wiser humanity? Can it be believed that they have arrived at a more
+comprehensive grasp of intellect--that they are ennobled by a loftier
+consideration of the social rights of man--that they are gifted with a
+more stirring sympathy for the wants that, in the present iniquitous
+system of society, reduce him to little less than pining idiotcy, or
+madden him to what the statutes call crime, and what judges, sleek as
+their ermine, preach upon as rebellion to the government--the government
+that, in fact, having stung starvation into treason, takes to itself the
+loftiest praise for refusing the hangman--a task--for appeasing _Justice_
+with simple transportation?
+
+Already the Tories have declared themselves. In the flush of anticipated
+success, PEEL at the Tamworth election denounced the French Revolution
+that escorted Charles the Tenth--with his foolish head still upon his
+shoulders--out of France, as the "triumph of might over right." It was the
+right--the divine right of Charles--(the sacred _ampoule_, yet dropping
+with the heavenly oil brought by the mystic dove for Clovis, had bestowed
+the privilege)--to gag the mouth of man; to scourge a nation with decrees,
+begot by bigot tyranny upon folly--to reduce a people into uncomplaining
+slavery. Such was his right: and the burst of indignation, the
+irresistible assertion of the native dignity of man, that shivered the
+throne of Charles like glass, was a felonious might--a rebellious,
+treasonous potency--the very wickedness of strength. Such is the opinion
+of Conservative PEEL! Such the old Tory faith of the child of Toryism!
+
+Since the Tamworth speech--since the scourging of Sir ROBERT by the French
+press--PEEL has essayed a small philanthropic oration. He has endeavoured
+to paint--and certainly in the most delicate water-colours--the horrors of
+war. The premier makes his speech to the nations with the palm-branch in
+his hand--with the olive around his brow. He has applied arithmetic to
+war, and finds it expensive. He would therefore induce France to disarm,
+that by reductions at home he may not be compelled to risk what would
+certainly jerk him out of the premiership--the imposition of new taxes. He
+may then keep his Corn Laws--he may then securely enjoy his sliding scale.
+Such are the hopes that dictate the intimation to disarm. It is sweet to
+prevent war; and, oh! far sweeter still to keep out the Wigs!
+
+The Duke of WELLINGTON, who is to be the moral force of the Tory Cabinet,
+is a great soldier; and by the very greatness of his martial fame, has
+been enabled to carry certain political questions which, proposed by a
+lesser genius, had been scouted by the party otherwise irresistibly
+compelled to admit them. (Imagine, for instance, the Marquis of
+Londonderry handling Catholic Emancipation.) Nevertheless, should "The
+follies of the Wise"--a chronicle much wanted--be ever collected for the
+world, his Grace of Wellington will certainly shine as a conspicuous
+contributor. In the name of famine, what could have induced his Grace to
+insult the misery at this moment, eating the hearts of thousands of
+Englishmen? For, within these few days, the Victor of Waterloo expressed
+his conviction that England was the only country in which "_the poor man,
+if only sober and industrious_, WAS QUITE CERTAIN _of acquiring a
+competency!_" And it is this man, imbued with this opinion, who is to be
+hailed as the presiding wisdom--the great moral strength--the healing
+humanity of the Tory Cabinet. If rags and starvation put up their prayer
+to the present Ministry, what must be the answer delivered by the Duke of
+Wellington? "YE ARE DRUNKEN AND LAZY!"
+
+If on the night of the 24th of August--the memorable night on which this
+heartless insult was thrown in the idle teeth of famishing thousands--the
+ghosts of the victims of the Corn Laws,--the spectres of the wretches who
+had been ground out of life by the infamy of Tory taxation, could have
+been permitted to lift the bed-curtains of Apsley-House,--his Grace the
+Duke of Wellington would have been scared by even a greater majority than
+ultimately awaits his fellowship in the present Cabinet. Still we can only
+visit upon the Duke the censure of ignorance. "He knows not what he says."
+If it be his belief that England suffers only because she is drunken and
+idle, he knows no more of England than the Icelander in his sledge: if, on
+the other hand, he used the libel as a party warfare, he is still one of
+the "old set,"--and his "crowning carnage, Waterloo," with all its
+greatness, is but a poor set-off against the more lasting iniquities which
+he would visit upon his fellow-men. Anyhow, he cannot--he must not--escape
+from his opinion; we will nail him to it, as we would nail a weasel to a
+barn-door; "_if Englishmen want competence, they must be drunken--they
+must be idle_." Gentlemen Tories, shuffle the cards as you will, the Duke
+of Wellington either lacks principle or brains.
+
+Next week we will speak of the Whigs; of the good they have done--of the
+good they have, with an instinct towards aristocracy--most foolishly, most
+traitorously, missed.
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. IX.
+
+[Illustration: THE ROYAL RED RIDING HOOD, AND THE MINISTERIAL WOLF.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ROYAL NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT--NO. 3.
+
+WHO KILLED COCK RUSSELL?
+
+A NEW VERSION OF THE CELEBRATED NURSERY TALE, WRITTEN EXPRESSLY FOR THE
+PRINCESS ROYAL.
+
+  Who Kill'd Cock Russell?
+    I, said Bob Peel,
+    The political eel,
+  I kill'd Cock Russell.
+
+  Who saw him die?
+    We, said the nation,
+    At each polling station,
+  We saw him die.
+
+  Who caught his place?
+    I, for I _can_ lie,
+    Said turn-about _Stan_ley,
+  I caught his place.
+
+  Who'll make his shroud?
+    We, cried the poor
+    From each Union door,
+  We'll make his shroud.
+
+  Who'll dig his grave?
+    Cried the corn-laws, The fool
+    Has long been our tool,
+  We'll dig his grave.
+
+  Who'll be the parson?
+    I, London's bishop,
+    A sermon will dish up,
+  I'll be the parson.
+
+  Who'll be the clerk?
+    Sibthorp, for a lark,
+    If you'll all keep it dark,
+  He'll be the clerk.
+
+  Who'll carry him to his grave?
+    The Chartists, with pleasure,
+    Will wait on his leisure,
+  They'll carry him to his grave.
+
+  Who'll carry the link?
+    Said Wakley, in a minute,
+    I _must_ be in it,
+  I'll carry the link.
+
+  Who'll be chief mourners?
+    We, shouted dozens
+    Of out-of-place cousins,
+  We'll be chief mourners.
+
+  Who'll bear the pall?
+    As they loudly bewail,
+    Both O'Connell and tail,
+  They'll bear the pall.
+
+  Who'll go before?
+    I, said old Cupid,
+    I'll still head the stupid,
+  I'll go before.
+
+  Who'll sing a psalm?
+    I, Colonel Perceval,
+    (Oh, Peel, be merciful!)
+  I'll sing a psalm.
+
+  Who'll throw in the dirt?
+    I, said the _Times_,
+    In lampoons and rhymes,
+  I'll throw in the dirt.
+
+  Who'll toll the bell?
+    I, said John Bull,
+    With pleasure I'll pull,--
+  I'll toll the bell.
+
+  All the Whigs in the world
+    Fell a sighing and sobbing,
+  When wicked Bob Peel
+    Put an end to their jobbing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY,
+SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS' INSTITUTION.
+
+    Collected and elaborated expressly for "PUNCH," by Tiddledy Winks,
+    Esq., Hon. Sec., and Editor of the _Peckham Evening Post_ and
+    _Camberwell-Green Advertiser_.
+
+
+Previously to placing the results of my unwearied application before the
+public, I think it will be both interesting and appropriate to trace, in a
+few words, the origin of this admirable society, by whose indefatigable
+exertions the air-pump has become necessary to the domestic economy of
+every peasant's cottage; and the Budelight and beer-shops, optics and
+out-door relief, and Daguerrotypes and dirt, have become subjects with
+which they are equally familiar.
+
+About the close of last year, a few scientific labourers were in the habit
+of meeting at a "Jerry" in their neighbourhood, for the purpose of
+discussing such matters as the comprehensive and plainly-written reports
+of the British Association, as furnished by the _Athenaeum_, offered to
+their notice, in any way connected with philosophy or the _belles
+lettres_. The numbers increasing, it was proposed that they should meet
+weekly at one another's cottages, and there deliver a lecture on any
+scientific subject; and the preliminary matters being arranged, the first
+discourse was given "On the Advantage of an Air-gun over a Fowling-piece,
+in bringing Pheasants down without making a noise." This was so eminently
+successful, that the following discourses were delivered in quick
+succession:--
+
+    On the Toxicological Powers of Coculus Indicus in Stupifying Fish.
+    On the Combustion of Park-palings and loose Gate-posts.
+    On the tendency of Out-of-door Spray-piles to Spontaneous
+        Evaporation, during dark nights.
+    On the Comparative Inflammatory properties of Lucifer Matches,
+        Phosphorus Bottles, Tinder-boxes, and Congreves, as well
+        as Incandescens Short Pipes, applied to Hay in particular
+        and Ricks in general.
+    On the value of Cheap Literature, and Intrinsic Worth (by
+        weight) of the various Publications of the Society for the
+        Confusion of Useless Knowledge.
+
+The lectures were all admirably illustrated, and the society appeared to
+be in a prosperous state. At length the government selected two or three
+of its most active members, and despatched them on a voyage of discovery
+to a distant part of the globe. The institution now drooped for a while,
+until some friends of education firmly impressed with the importance of
+their undertaking, once more revived its former greatness, at the same
+time entirely reorganizing its arrangements.  Subscriptions were
+collected, sufficient to erect a handsome turf edifice, with a massy
+thatched roof, upon Timber Common; a committee was appointed to manage the
+scientific department, at a liberal salary, including the room to sit in,
+turf, and rushlights, with the addition, on committee nights, of a pint of
+intermediate beer, a pipe, and a screw, to each member. Gentlemen fond of
+hearing their own voices were invited to give gratuitous discourses from
+sister institutions: a museum and library were added to the building
+already mentioned, and an annual meeting of _illuminati_ was agreed upon.
+
+Amongst the papers contributed to be read at the evening meetings of the
+society, perhaps the most interesting was that communicated by Mr.
+Octavius Spiff, being a startling and probing investigation as to whether
+Sir Isaac Newton had his hat on when the apple tumbled on his head, what
+sort of an apple it most probably was, and whether it actually fell from
+the tree upon him, or, being found too hard and sour to eat, had been
+pitched over his garden wall by the hand of an irritated little boy. I
+ought also to make mention of Mr. Plummycram's "Narrative of an Ascent to
+the summit of Highgate-hill," with Mr. Mulltour's "Handbook for Travellers
+from the Bank to Lisson-grove," and "A Summer's-day on Kennington-common."
+Mr. Tinhunt has also announced an attractive work, to be called "Hackney:
+its Manufactures, Economy, and Political Resources."
+
+It is the intention of the society, should its funds increase, to take a
+high place next year in the scientific transactions of the country. Led by
+the spirit of enterprise now so universally prevalent, arrangements are
+pending with Mr. Purdy, to fit up two punts for the Shepperton expedition,
+which will set out in the course of the ensuing summer. The subject for
+the Prize Essay for the Victoria Penny Coronation Medal this year is, "The
+possibility of totally obliterating the black stamp on the post-office
+Queen's heads, so as to render them serviceable a second time;" and, in
+imitation of the learned investigations of sister institutions, the Copper
+Jinks Medal will also be given to the author of the best essay upon "The
+existing analogy between the mental subdivision of invisible agencies and
+circulating decompositions."--(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+INAUGURATION OF THE IMAGE OF SHAKSPERE.
+
+AT THE SURREY THEATRE.
+
+  "Be still, my mighty soul! These ribs of mine
+  Are all too fragile for thy narrow cage.
+  By heaven! I will unlock my bosom's door.
+  And blow thee forth upon the boundless tide
+  Of thought's creation, where thy eagle wing
+  May soar from this dull terrene mass away,
+  To yonder empyrean vault--like rocket (sky)--
+  To mingle with thy cognate essences
+  Of Love and Immortality, until
+  Thou burstest with thine own intensity,
+  And scatterest into millions of bright stars,
+  Each _one_ a part of that refulgent whole
+  Which once was ME."
+
+Thus spoke, or thought--for, in a metaphysical point of view, it does not
+much matter whether the passage above quoted was uttered, or only
+conceived--by the sublime philosopher and author of the tragedy of
+"Martinuzzi," now being nightly played at the English Opera House, with
+unbounded success, to overflowing audiences[2]. These were the aspirations
+of his gigantic mind, as he sat, on last Monday morning, like a simple
+mortal, in a striped-cotton dressing-gown and drab slippers, over a cup of
+weak coffee. (We love to be minute on great subjects.) The door opened,
+and a female figure--not the Tragic muse--but Sally, the maid of-all-work,
+entered, holding in a corner of her dingy apron, between her delicate
+finger and thumb, a piece of not too snowy paper, folded into an exact
+parallelogram.
+
+    [2] Has this paragraph been paid for as an
+        advertisement?--PRINTER'S DEVIL.--Undoubtedly.--ED.
+
+"A letter for you, sir," said the maid of-all-work, dropping a reverential
+curtsey.
+
+George Stephens, Esq. took the despatch in his inspired fingers, broke the
+seal, and read as follows:--
+
+_Surrey Theatre._
+
+SIR,--I have seen your tragedy of "Martinuzzi," and pronounce it
+magnificent! I have had, for some time, an idea in my head (how it came
+there I don't know), to produce, after the Boulogne affair, a grand
+Inauguration of the Statue of Shakspere, on the stage of the Surrey, but
+not having an image of him amongst our properties, I could not put my plan
+into execution. Now, sir, as it appears that you are the exact ditto of
+the bard, I shouldn't mind making an arrangement with you to undertake the
+character of _our friend Billy_ on the occasion. I shall do the liberal in
+the way of terms, and get up the gag properly, with laurels and other
+greens, of which I have a large stock on hand; so that with your
+popularity the thing will be sure to draw. If you consent to come, I'll
+post you in six-feet letters against every dead wall in town.
+
+Yours,
+WILLIS JONES.
+
+When the author of the "magnificent poem" had finished reading the letter
+he appeared deeply moved, and the maid of-all-work saw three plump tears
+roll down his manly cheek, and rest upon his shirt collar. "I expected
+nothing less," said he, stroking his chin with a mysterious air. "The
+manager of the Surrey, at least, understands me--_he_ appreciates the
+immensity of my genius. I _will_ accept his offer, and show the
+world--great Shakspere's rival in myself."
+
+Having thus spoken, the immortal dramatist wiped his hands on the tail of
+his dressing-gown, and performed a _pas seul_ "as the act directs," after
+which he dressed himself, and emerged into the open air.
+
+The sun was shining brilliantly, and Phoebus remarked, with evident
+pleasure, that his brother had bestowed considerable pains in adorning his
+person. His boots shone with unparalleled splendour, and his waistcoat--
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [We omit the remainder of the inventory of the great poet's
+    wardrobe, and proceed at once to the ceremony of the Inauguration
+    at the Surrey Theatre.]
+
+Never on any former occasion had public curiosity over the water been so
+strongly excited. Long before the doors of the theatre were opened,
+several passengers in the street were observed to pause before the
+building, and regard it with looks of profound awe. At half-past six, two
+young sweeps and a sand-boy were seen waiting anxiously at the gallery
+entrance, determined to secure front seats at any personal sacrifice. At
+seven precisely the doors were opened, and a tremendous rush of four
+persons was made to the pit; the boxes had been previously occupied by the
+"Dramatic Council" and the "Syncretic Society." The silence which pervaded
+the house, until the musicians began to tune their violins in the
+orchestra, was thrilling; and during the performance of the overture,
+expectation stood on tip-toe, awaiting the great event of the night.
+
+At length the curtain slowly rose, and we discovered the author of
+"Martinuzzi" elevated on a pedestal formed of the cask used by the
+celebrated German tub-runner (a delicate compliment, by the way, to the
+genius of the poet). On this appropriate foundation stood the great man,
+with his august head enveloped in a capacious bread-bag. At a given
+signal, a vast quantity of crackers were let off, the envious bag was
+withdrawn, and the illustrious dramatist was revealed to the enraptured
+spectators, in the statuesque resemblance of his elder, but not more
+celebrated brother, WILLIAM SHAKSPERE. At this moment the plaudits were
+vigorously enthusiastic. Thrice did the flattered statue bow its head, and
+once it laid its hand upon its grateful bosom, in acknowledgment of the
+honour that was paid it. As soon as the applause had partially subsided,
+the manager, in the character of _Midas_, surrounded by the nine Muses,
+advanced to the foot of the pedestal, and, to use the language of the
+reporters of public dinners, "in a neat and appropriate speech," deposed a
+laurel crown upon the brows of Shakspere's effigy. Thereupon loud cheers
+rent the air, and the statue, deeply affected, extended its right hand
+gracefully towards the audience. In a moment the thunders of applause sank
+into hushed and listening awe, while the author of the "magnificent poem"
+addressed the house as follows:--
+
+"My friends,--You at length behold me in the position to which my immense
+talents have raised me, in despite of 'those laws which press so fatally
+on dramatic genius,' and blight the budding hopes of aspiring authors."
+
+This commencement softened the hearts of his auditors, who clapped their
+handkerchiefs to their noses.
+
+"The world," continued the statue, "may regard me with envy; but I despise
+the world, particularly the critics who have dared to laugh at me.
+(Groans.) The object of my ambition is attained--I am now the equal and
+representative of Shakspere--detraction cannot wither the laurels that
+shadow my brows--_Finis coronat opus!_--I have done. To-morrow I retire
+into private life; but though fortune has made me great, she has not made
+me proud, and I shall be always happy to shake hands with a friend when I
+meet him."
+
+At the conclusion of this pathetic address, loud cheers, mingled with
+tears and sighs, arose from the audience, one-half of whom sunk into the
+arms of the other half, and were borne out of the house in a fainting
+state; and thus terminated this imposing ceremony, which will be long
+remembered with delight by every lover of
+
+[Illustration: THE HIGHER WALK OF THE DRAMA.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CARD.
+
+TO THE COMMITTEE OF THE DRAMATIC AUTHORS, ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE.
+
+Mr. Levy, of Holywell-street, perceiving that his neighbour JACOB
+FAITHFUL'S farce, entitled "The Cloak and Bonnet," has not given general
+satisfaction, begs respectfully to offer to the notice of the committee,
+his large and carefully-assorted stock of second-hand wearing apparel,
+from which he will undertake to supply any number of dramas that may be
+required, at a moment's notice.
+
+Mr. L. has at present on hand the following dramatic pieces, which he can
+strongly recommend to the public:--
+
+1. "The Dressing Gown and Slippers."--A fashionable comedy, suited for a
+genteel neighbourhood.
+
+2. "The Breeches and Gaiters."--A domestic drama. A misfit at the Adelphi.
+
+3. "The Wig and Wig-box."--A broad farce, made to fit little Keeley or
+anybody else.
+
+4. "The Smock-frock and Highlows."--A tragedy in humble life, with a
+terrific _denouement_.
+
+*** The above will be found to be manufactured out of the best materials,
+and well worthy the attention of those gentlemen who have so nobly come
+forward to rescue the stage from its present degraded position.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MONEY MARKET.
+
+The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to be
+paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard of
+any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no one got
+any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in copper. An
+influential party created some sensation by coming into the market late in
+the afternoon, just before the close of business, with half-a-crown; but
+it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is expected that if the
+dearth of money continues another week, buttons must be resorted to. A
+party, whose transactions are known to be large, succeeded in settling his
+account with the Bulls, by means of postage-stamps; an arrangement of
+which the Bears will probably take advantage.
+
+A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the
+direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper into
+the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do with it,
+it blew over.
+
+The parties to the Dutch Loan are much irritated at being asked to take
+their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of the
+Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke, we do
+not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE.
+
+BY THE REPORTER OF THE "OBSERVER."
+
+The "mysterious and melodramatic silence" which Mr. C. Mathews promised to
+observe as to his intentions in regard to the present season, has at
+length been broken. On Monday last, September the sixth, Covent Garden
+Theatre opened to admit a most brilliant audience. Amongst the _company_
+we noticed Madame Vestris, Mr. Oxberry, Mr. Harley, Miss Rainsforth, and
+several other _distingue artistes_. It would seem, from the substitution
+of Mr. Oxberry for Mr. Keeley, that the former gentleman is engaged to
+take the place of the latter. Whispers are afloat that, in consequence,
+one of the most important scenes in the play is to be omitted. Though of
+little interest to the audience, it was of the highest importance to the
+gentleman whose task it has hitherto been to perform the parts of Quince,
+Bottom, and Flute.
+
+We, who are conversant with all the mysteries of the _flats'_ side of the
+_green_ curtain, beg to assure our readers, that the Punch scene hath
+taken _wing_, and that the dressing-room of the above-named characters
+will no longer be redolent of the fumes of compounded bowls. We may here
+remark that, had our hint of last season been attended to, the Punch would
+have still been continued:--Mr. Harley would not consent to have the flies
+picked out of the sugar. Rumour is busy with the suggestion that for this
+reason, and this only, Keeley seceded from the establishment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We think it exceedingly unwise in the management not to have secured the
+services of Madame Corsiret for the millinery department. Mr. Wilson still
+supplies the wigs. We have not as yet been able to ascertain to whom the
+swords have been consigned. Mr. Emden's assistant superintends the
+blue-fire and thunder, but it has not transpired who works the traps.
+
+With such powerful auxiliaries, we can promise Mr. C. Mathews a prosperous
+season.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE AMENDE HONORABLE.
+
+  Quoth Will, "On that young servant-maid
+    My heart its life-string stakes."
+  "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid--
+    She pays for all she breaks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PROVIDING FOR EVIL DAYS.
+
+The _iniquities_ of the Tories having become proverbial, the House of
+Lords, with that consideration for the welfare of the country, and care
+for the morals of the people, which have ever characterised the compeers
+of the Lord Coventry, have brought in a bill for the creation of _two_
+_Vice_-Chancellors. Brougham foolishly proposed an amendment, considering
+one to be sufficient, but found himself in a _singular_ minority when the
+House
+
+[Illustration: DIVIDED ON THE MOTION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+In the Egyptian room of the British Museum is a statue of the deity IBIS,
+between two mummies. This attracted the attention of Sibthorp, as he
+lounged through the room the other day with a companion. "Why," said his
+friend, "is that statue placed between the other two?" "To preserve it to
+be sure," replied the keenly-witted Sib. "You know the old saying teaches
+us, '_In medio tutissimus Ibis._'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+THE LIFE AND DEATH OF JAMES DAWSON.
+
+[Illustration: M]Mercy on us, what a code of morality--what a
+conglomeration of plots (political, social, and domestic)--what an
+exemplar of vice punished and virtue rewarded--is the "Newgate Calendar!"
+and Newgate itself! what tales might it not relate, if its stones could
+speak, had its fetters the gift of tongues!
+
+But these need not be so gifted: the proprietor of the Victoria Theatre
+supplies the deficiency: the dramatic edition of Old-Bailey experience he
+is bringing out on each successive Monday, will soon be complete; and when
+it is, juvenile Jack Sheppards and incipient Turpins may complete their
+education at the moderate charge of sixpence per week. The
+"intellectualization of the people" must not be neglected: the gallery of
+the Victoria invites to its instructive benches the young, whose wicked
+parents have neglected their education--the ignorant, who know nothing of
+the science of highway robbery, or the more delicate operations of picking
+pockets. National education is the sole aim of the sole lessee--money is
+no object; but errand-boys and apprentices _must_ take their Monday
+night's lessons, even if they rob the till. By this means an endless chain
+of subjects will be woven, of which the Victoria itself supplies the
+links; the "Newgate Calendar" will never be exhausted, and the cause of
+morality and melodrama continue to run a triumphant career!
+
+The leaf of the "Newgate Calendar" torn out last Monday for the
+delectation and instruction of the Victoria audience, was the "Life and
+Death of James Dawson," a gentleman rebel, who was very properly hanged in
+1746.
+
+The arrangement of incidents in this piece was evidently an appeal to the
+ingenuity of the audience--our own penetration failed, however, in
+unravelling the plot. There was a drunken, gaming, dissipated student of
+St. John's, Cambridge--a friend in a slouched hat and an immense pair of
+jack-boots, and a lady who delicately invites her lover (the hero) "to a
+private interview and a cold collation." There is something about a
+five-hundred-pound note and a gambling-table--a heavy throw of the dice,
+and a heavier speech on the vices of gaming, by a likeness of the portrait
+of Dr. Dilworth that adorns the spelling-books. The hero rushes off in a
+state of distraction, and is followed by the jack-boots in pursuit; the
+enormous strides of which leave the pursued but little chance, though he
+has got a good start.
+
+At another time two gentlemen appear in kilts, who pass their time in a
+long dialogue, the purport of which we were unable to catch, for they were
+conversing in stage-Scotch. A man then comes forward bearing a clever
+resemblance to the figure-head of a snuff-shop, and after a few words with
+about a dozen companions, the entire body proceed to fight a battle; which
+is immediately done behind the scenes, by four pistols, a crash, and the
+double-drummer, whose combined efforts present us with a representation
+of--as the bills kindly inform us--the "Battle of Culloden!" The hero is
+taken prisoner; but the villain is shot, and his jack-boots are cut off in
+their prime.
+
+James Dawson is not despatched so quickly; he takes a great deal of
+dying,--the whole of the third act being occupied by that inevitable
+operation. Newgate--a "stock" scene at this theatre--an execution, a lady
+in black and a state of derangement, a muffled drum, and a "view of
+Kennington Common," terminate the life of "James Dawson," who, we had the
+consolation to observe, from the apathy of the audience, will not be put
+to the trouble of dying for more than half-a-dozen nights longer.
+
+Before the "Syncretic Society" publishes its next octavo on the state of
+the Drama, it should send a deputation to the Victoria. There they will
+observe the written and acted drama in the lowest stage it is possible for
+even their imaginations to conceive. Even "Martinuzzi" will bear
+comparison with the "Life and Death of James Dawson."
+
+
+THE BOARDING SCHOOL.
+
+At the "Boarding School" established by Mr. Bernard in the Haymarket
+Theatre, young ladies are instructed in flirting and romping, together
+with the use of the eyes, at the extremely moderate charges of five and
+three shillings per lesson; those being the prices of admission to the
+upper and lower departments of Mr. Webster's academy, which is hired for
+the occasion by that accomplished professor of punmanship Bayle Bernard.
+The course of instruction was, on the opening of the seminary, as
+follows:--
+
+The lovely pupils were first seen returning from their morning walk in
+double file, hearts beating and ribbons flying; for they encountered at
+the door of the school three yeomanry officers. The military being very
+civil, the eldest of the girls discharged a volley of glances; and nothing
+could exceed the skill and precision with which the ladies performed their
+eye-practice, the effects of which were destructive enough to set the
+yeomanry in a complete flame; and being thus primed and loaded for closer
+engagements with their charming adversaries, they go off.
+
+The scholars then proceed to their duties in the interior of the academy,
+and we find them busily engaged in the study of "The Complete Loveletter
+Writer." It is wonderful the progress they make even in one lesson; the
+basis of it being a _billet_ each has received from the red-coats. The
+exercises they have to write are answers to the notes, and were found, on
+examination, to contain not a single error; thus proving the astonishing
+efficacy of the Bernardian system of "Belles' Lettres."
+
+Meanwhile the captain, by despatching his subalterns on special duty,
+leaves himself a clear field, and sets a good copy in strategetics, by
+disguising himself as a fruit-woman, and getting into the play-ground, for
+the better distribution of apples and glances, lollipops and kisses,
+hard-bake and squeezes of the hand. The stratagem succeeds admirably; the
+enemy is fast giving way, under the steady fire of shells (Spanish-nut)
+and kisses, thrown with great precision amongst their ranks, when the
+lieutenant and cornet of the troop cause a diversion by an open attack
+upon the fortress; and having made a practicable breach (in their
+manners), enter without the usual formulary of summoning the governess.
+She, however, appears, surrounded by her staff, consisting of a teacher
+and a page, and the engagement becomes general. In the end, the yeomanry
+are routed with great loss--their hearts being made prisoners by the
+senior students of this "Royal Military Academy."
+
+The yeomanry, not in the least dispirited by this reverse, plan a fresh
+attack, and hearing that reinforcements are _en route_, in the persons of
+the drawing, dancing, and writing masters of the "Boarding School," cut
+off their march, and obtain a second entrance into the enemy's camp, under
+false colours; which their accomplishments enable them to do, for the
+captain is a good penman, the lieutenant dances and plays the fiddle, and
+the cornet draws to admiration, especially--"at a month." Under such
+instructors the young ladies make great progress, the governess being
+absent to see after the imaginary daughter of a fictitious Earl of
+Aldgate. On her return, however, she finds her pupils in a state of great
+insubordination, and suspecting the teachers to be incendiaries, calls in
+a major of yeomanry (who, unlike the rest of his troop, is an ally of the
+lady), to put them out. The invaders, however, retreat by the window, but
+soon return by the door in their uniform, to assist their major in
+quelling the fears of the minors, and to complete the course of
+instruction pursued at the Haymarket "Boarding School."
+
+Mr. J. Webster, as _Captain Harcourt_, played as well as he could: and so
+did Mr. Webster as _Lieutenant Varley_, which was very well indeed, for
+_he_ cannot perform anything badly, were he to try. An Irish cornet, in
+the mouth of Mr. F. Vining, was bereft of his proper brogue; but this loss
+was the less felt, as Mr. Gough personated the English Major with the
+_rale_ Tipperary tongue. _Mrs. Grosdenap_ was a perfect governess in the
+hands of Mrs. Clifford, and the hoydens she presided over exhibited true
+specimens of a finishing school, especially Miss P. Horton;--that careful
+and pleasing _artiste_, who stamps character upon everything she does, and
+individuality upon everything she says. In short, all the parts in the
+"Boarding School" are so well acted, that one cannot help regretting when
+it breaks up for the evening. The circulars issued by its proprietors
+announce that it will be open every night, from ten till eleven, up to the
+Christmas holidays.
+
+As a subject, this is a perfectly fair, nay, moral one; despite some silly
+opinions that have stated to the contrary. Satire, when based upon truth,
+is the highest province of the stage, which enables us to laugh away folly
+and wickedness, when they cannot be banished by direct exposure. Ladies'
+boarding-schools form, in the mass, a gross and fearful evil, to which the
+Haymarket author has cleverly awakened attention. Why they are an evil,
+might be easily proved, but a theatrical critique in PUNCH is not
+precisely the place for a discussion on female education.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ENJOYMENT.
+
+The "Council of the Dramatic Authors' Theatre" enticed us from home on
+Monday last, by promising what as yet they have been unable to
+perform--"Enjoyment." As usual, they obtained our company under false
+pretences: for if any "enjoyment" were afforded by their new farce, the
+actors had it all to themselves.
+
+It is astonishing how vain some authors are of their knowledge of any
+particular subject. Brewster monopolises that of the polarization of light
+and kaleidoscopes--poor Davy surfeited us with choke damps and the safety
+lantern--the author of "Enjoyment" is great on the subject of cook-shops;
+the whole production being, in fact, a dramatic lecture on the "slap-bang"
+system. _Mr. Bang_, the principal character, is the master of an
+eating-house, to which establishment all the other persons in the piece
+belong, and all are made to display the author's practical knowledge of
+the internal economy of a cook-shop. Endless are the jokes about
+sausages--roast and boiled beef are cut, and come to again, for a great
+variety of facetiae--in short, the entire stock of fun is cooked up from
+the bill of fare. The master gives his instructions to his "cutter" about
+"working up the stale gravy" with the utmost precision, and the "sarver
+out" undergoes a course of instruction highly edifying to inexperienced
+waiters.
+
+This burletta helps to develop the plan which it is the intention of the
+"council" to follow up in their agonising efforts to resuscitate the
+expiring drama. They, it is clear, mean to make the stage a vehicle for
+instruction.
+
+Miss Martineau wrote a novel called "Berkeley the Banker," to teach
+political economy--the "council" have produced "Enjoyment" as an
+eating-house keepers' manual, complete in one act. This mode of
+dramatising the various guides to "trade" and to "service" is, however, to
+our taste, more edifying than amusing; for much of the author's learning
+is thrown away upon the mass of audiences, who are only waiters between
+the acts. They cannot appreciate the nice distinctions between "buttocks
+and rounds," neither does everybody perceive the wit of _Joey's_ elegant
+toast, "Cheap beef and two-pence for the waiter!" This kind of
+erudition--like that expended upon Chinese literature and the arrow-headed
+hieroglyphics of Asia Minor--is confined to too small a class of the
+public for extensive popularity, though it may be highly amusing to the
+table-d'hote and ham-and-beef interest.
+
+The chief beauty of the plot is its extreme simplicity; a half-dozen words
+will describe it:--_Mr. Bang_ goes out for a day's "Enjoyment," and is
+disappointed! This is the head and front of the farceur's offending--no
+more. Any person eminently gifted with patience, and anxious to give it a
+fair trial, cannot have a better opportunity of testing it than by
+spending a couple of hours in seeing that single incident drag its slow
+length along, and witnessing a new comedian, named Bass, roll his heavy
+breadth about in hard-working attempts to be droll. As a specimen of
+manual labour in comedy, we never saw the acting of this _debutant_
+equalled.
+
+We are happy to find that, determined to give "living _English_ dramatists
+a clear stage and fair play," the "Council" are bringing forward a series
+of stale translations from the _French_ in rapid succession. The "Married
+Rake," and "Perfection,"--one by an author no longer "living," both loans
+from the _Magasin Theatral_--have already appeared.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FINE ARTS.
+
+SUFFOLK-STREET GALLERY.--ART-UNION.
+
+The members of this institution have, with their usual liberality, given
+the use of their Galleries for the exhibition of the pictures selected by
+the prize-holders of the Art-Union of London of the present year. The
+works chosen are 133 in number; and as they are the representatives of
+"charming variety," it is naturally to be expected that, in most
+instances, the selection does not proclaim that perfect knowledge of the
+material from which the 133 jewel-hunters have had each an opportunity of
+choosing; nevertheless, it is a blessed reflection, and a proof of the
+philanthropic adaptation of society to societies' means--a beneficent
+dovetailing--an union of sympathies--that to every one painter who is
+disabled from darting suddenly into the excellencies of his profession,
+there are, at least, one thousand "connoisseurs" having an equal degree of
+free-hearted ignorance in the matter, willing to extend a ready hand to
+his weakly efforts, and without whose generosity he could never place
+himself within the observation and patronage of the better informed in
+art. As this lottery was formed to give an interest, indiscriminately, to
+the mass who compose it, the setting apart so large a sum as L300 for a
+prize is, in our humble opinion, anything but well judged.
+
+The painter of a picture worth so high a sum needs not the assistance
+which the lottery affords; and although it may be urged, that some one
+possessing sufficient taste, but insufficient means to indulge that taste,
+might, perchance, obtain the high prize, it is evident that such bald
+reasoning is adduced only to support individual interest. The principle
+is, consequently, inimical to those upon which the Art-Union of London was
+founded; and, farther, it is most undeniable, that more general good, and
+consequent satisfaction, would arise both to the painter and the public
+(i.e. that portion of the public whose subscriptions form the support of
+the undertaking), had the large prize been divided into two, four, or even
+six other, and by no means inconsiderable ones. We are fully aware of the
+benefits that have been conferred and received, and that must still
+continue to be so, from this praiseworthy undertaking. As an observer of
+these things, we cannot withhold expressing our opinions upon any part of
+the system which, in honest thought, appears imperfect, or not so happily
+directed as it might be. But should PUNCH become prosy, his audience will
+vanish.
+
+To prevent those visitors to this exhibition, who do not profess an
+intimacy with the objects herein collected for their amusement, from being
+misled by the supposititious circumstance of the highest prize having
+commanded the best picture, we beg to point to their attention the
+following peculiarities (by no means recommendatory) in the work selected
+by the most fortunate of the _jewel-hunters_; it is catalogued "The
+Sleeping Beauty," by D. Maclise, R.A., and assuredly painted with the most
+independent disdain for either law or reason. Never has been seen so
+signal a failure in attempting to obtain repose by the introduction of so
+many sleeping figures. The appointment of parts to form the general whole,
+the first and last aim of every other painter, D. Maclise, R.A., has most
+gallantly disregarded. If there be effect, it certainly is not in the
+right place, or rather there is no concentration of effect; it possesses
+the glare of a coloured print, and that too of a meretricious
+sort--incidents there are, but no plot--less effect upon the animate than
+the inanimate. The toilet-table takes precedence of the lady--the couch
+before the sleeper--the shadow, in fact, before the substance; and as it
+is a sure mark of a vulgar mind to dwell upon the trifles, and lose the
+substantial--to scan the dress, and neglect the wearer, so we opine the
+capabilities of D. Maclise, R.A., are brought into requisition to
+accommodate such beholders. He has, moreover, carefully avoided any
+approximation to the vulgarity of flesh and blood, in his representations
+of humanity; and has, therefore, ingeniously sought the delicacy of
+Dresden china for his models. To conclude our notice, we beg to suggest
+the addition of a torch and a rosin-box, which, with the assistance of Mr.
+Yates, or the Wizard of the North, would render it perfect (whereas,
+without these delusive adjuncts, it is not recognisable in its puppet-show
+propensities) as a first-rate imitation of the last scene in a pantomime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 12, 1841, by Various
+
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