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diff --git a/14926-8.txt b/14926-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..68a77b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14926-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2413 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +September 5, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 5, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14926] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 5, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +[Illustration: O]Our consideration must now be given to those essentials +in the construction of a true gentleman--the cut, ornaments, and pathology +of his dress. + +THE CUT + +is to the garment what the royal head and arms are to the coin--the +insignia that give it currency. No matter what the material, gold or +copper, Saxony or sackcloth, the die imparts a value to the one, and the +shears to the other. + +Ancient Greece still lives in its marble demi-gods; the vivifying chisel +of Phidias was thought worthy to typify the sublimity of Jupiter; the +master-hand of Canova wrought the Parian block into the semblance of the +sea-born goddess, giving to insensate stone the warmth and etheriality of +the Paphian paragon; and Stultz, with his grace-bestowing shears, has +fashioned West of England broad-cloths, and fancy goods, into all the +nobility and gentility of the "Blue Book," the "Court Guide," the "Army, +Navy, and Law Lists, for 1841." + +Wondrous and kindred arts! The sculptor wrests the rugged block from the +rocky ribs of his mother earth;--the tailor clips the implicated "_long +hogs_"[1] from the prolific backs of the living mutton;--the toothless +saw, plied by an unweayring hand, prepares the stubborn mass for the +chisel's tracery;--the loom, animated by steam (that gigantic child of +Wallsend and water), twists and twines the unctuous and pliant fleece into +the silky Saxony. + + [1] The first growth of wool. + +The sculptor, seated in his _studio_, throws loose the reins of his +imagination, and, conjuring up some perfect ideality, seeks to impress the +beautiful illusion on the rude and undigested mass before him. The tailor +spreads out, upon his ample board, the happy broadcloth; his eyes scan the +"measured proportions of his client," and, with mystic power, guides the +obedient pipe-clay into the graceful diagram of a perfect gentleman. The +sculptor, with all the patient perseverance of genius, conscious of the +greatness of its object, chips, and chips, and chips, from day to day; and +as the stone quickens at each touch, he glows with all the pride of the +creative Prometheus, mingled with the gentler ecstacies of paternal love. +The tailor, with fresh-ground shears, and perfect faith in the gentility +and solvency of his "client," snips, and snips, and snips, until the +"superfine" grows, with each abscission, into the first style of elegance +and fashion, and the excited schneider feels himself "every inch a king," +his shop a herald's college, and every brown paper pattern garnishing its +walls, an escutcheon of gentility. + +But to dismount from our Pegasus, or, in other words, to cut the poetry, +and come to the practice of our subject, it is necessary that a perfect +gentleman should be cut _up_ very high, or cut _down_ very low--_i.e._, up +to the marquis or down to the jarvey. Any intermediate style is perfectly +inadmissible; for who above the grade of an attorney would wear a coat +with pockets inserted in the tails, like salt-boxes; or any but an +incipient Esculapius indulge in trousers that evinced a morbid ambition to +become knee-breeches, and were only restrained in their aspirations by a +pair of most strenuous straps. We will now proceed to details. + +_The dressing-gown_ should be cut only--for the arm holes; but be careful +that the quantity of material be very ample--say four times as much as is +positively necessary, for nothing is so characteristic of a perfect +gentleman as his improvidence. This garment must be constructed without +buttons or button-holes, and confined at the waist with cable-like +bell-ropes and tassels. This elegant _déshabille_ had its origin (like the +Corinthian capital from the Acanthus) in accident. A set of massive +window-curtains having been carelessly thrown over a lay figure, or +tailor's _torso_, in Nugee's _studio_, in St. James's-street, suggested to +the luxuriant mind of the Adonisian D'Orsay, this beautiful combination of +costume and upholstery. The eighteen-shilling chintz great-coats, so +ostentatiously put forward by nefarious tradesmen as dressing-gowns, and +which resemble pattern-cards of the vegetable kingdom, are unworthy the +notice of all gentlemen--of course excepting those who are so by act of +Parliament. Although it is generally imagined that the coat is the +principal article of dress, _we_ attach far greater importance to the +trousers, the cut of which should, in the first place, be regulated by +nature's cut of the leg. A gentleman who labours under either a convex or +a concave leg, cannot be too particular in the arrangement of the +strap-draught. By this we mean that a concave leg must have the pull on +the convex side, and _vice versa_, the garment being made full, the +effects of bad nursing are, by these means, effectually "repealed."[2] +This will be better understood if the reader will describe a +parallelogram, and draw therein the arc of a circle equal to that +described by his leg, whether knock-kneed or bandy. + + [2] Baylis. + +If the leg be perfectly straight, then the principal peculiarity of cut to +be attended to, is the external assurance that the trousers cannot be +removed from the body without the assistance of a valet. + +The other considerations should be their applicability to the promenade or +the equestriade. We are indebted to our friend Beau Reynolds for this +original idea and it is upon the plan formerly adopted by him that we now +proceed to advise as to the maintenance of the distinctions. + +Let your schneider baste the trousers together, and when you have put them +on, let them be braced to their natural tension; the schneider should +then, with a small pair of scissors, _cut out_ all the wrinkles which +offend the eye. The garment, being removed from your person, is again +taken to the tailor's laboratory, and the embrasures carefully and +artistically fine-drawn. The process for walking or riding trousers only +varies in these particulars--for the one you should stand upright, for the +other you should straddle the back of a chair. Trousers cut on these +principles entail only two inconveniences, to which every one with the +true feelings of a gentleman would willingly submit. You must never +attempt to sit down in your walking trousers, or venture to assume an +upright position in your equestrians, for compound fractures in the region +of the _os sacrum_, or dislocations about the _genu patellæ_ are certain +to be the results of such rashness, and then + +[Illustration: "THE PEACE OF THE VALET IS FLED."] + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. -- NO. 6. + + Thou hast humbled the proud, + For my spirit hath bow'd + More humbly to thee than it e'er bow'd before; + But thy pow'r is past, + Thou hast triumph'd thy last, + And the heart you enslaved beats in freedom once more! + I have treasured the flow'r + You wore but an hour, + And knelt by the mound where together we've sat; + But thy-folly and pride + I now only deride-- + So, fair Isabel, take your change out of that! + + That I loved, and how well, + It were madness to tell + To one who hath mock'd at my madd'ning despair. + Like the white wreath of snow + On the Alps' rugged brow, + Isabel, I have proved thee as cold as thou'rt fair! + 'Twas thy boast that I sued, + That you scorn'd as I woo'd-- + Though thou of my hopes were the Mount Ararat; + But to-morrow I wed + Araminta instead-- + So, fair Isabel, take your change out of that! + + * * * * * + + +THE LAST HAUL. + +The ponds in St. James's Park were on last Monday drawn with nets, and a +large quantity of the fish preserved there carried away by direction of +the Chief Commissioner of Woods and Forests. Our talented correspondent, +Ben D'Israeli, sends us the following squib on the circumstance:-- + + "Oh! never more," Duncannon cried, + "The spoils of place shall fill our dishes! + But though we've lost the _loaves_ we'll take + Our last sad haul amongst the _fishes_." + + * * * * * + + +GENERAL SATISFACTION. + +Lord Coventry declared emphatically that the sons, the fathers, and the +grandfathers were all satisfied with the present corn laws. Had his +lordship thought of the _Herald_, he might have added, "and the +grandmothers also." + + * * * * * + + +ADVERTISEMENT. + +If the enthusiastic individual who distinguished himself on the O.P. side +of third row in the pit of "the late Theatre Royal English Opera House," +but now the refuge for the self-baptised "Council of Dramatic Literature," +can be warranted sober, and guaranteed an umbrella, in the use of which he +is decidedly unrivalled, he is requested to apply to the Committee of +management, where he will hear of something to his "advantage." + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +"PUNCH'S" LITERATURE. + + I. "The Hungarian Daughter," a Dramatic Poem, by George Stephens, + 8vo., pp. 294. London: 1841. + + II. "Introductory(!) Preface to the above," pp. 25. + +III. "Supplement to the above;" consisting of "Opinions of the Press," + on various Works by George Stephens, 8vo., pp. 8. + + IV. "Opinions of the Press upon the 'Dramatic Merits' and 'Actable + Qualities' of the Hungarian Daughter," 8vo., _closely printed_, + pp. 16. + +The blind and vulgar prejudice in favour of Shakspeare, Massinger, and the +elder dramatic poets--the sickening adulation bestowed upon Sheridan +Knowles and Talfourd, among the moderns--and the base, malignant, and +selfish partiality of theatrical managers, who insist upon performing +those plays only which are adapted to the stage--whose grovelling souls +have no sympathy with genius--whose ideas are fixed upon gain, have +hitherto smothered those blazing illuminati, George Stephens and his +syn--Syncretcis; have hindered their literary effulgence from breaking +through the mists hung before the eyes of the public, by a weak, +infatuated adherence to paltry Nature, and a silly infatuation in favour +of those who copy her. + +At length, however, the public blushes (through its representative, the +provincial press, and the above-named critical puffs,) with shame--the +managers are fast going mad with bitter vexation, for having, to use the +words of that elegant pleonasm, the _introductory_ preface, "by a sort of +_ex officio_ hallucination," rejected this and some twenty other +exquisite, though unactable dramas! It is a fact, that since the opening +of the English Opera House, Mr. Webster has been confined to his room; +Macready has suspended every engagement for Drury-lane; and the managers +of Covent Garden have gone the atrocious length of engaging sibilants and +ammunition from the neighbouring market, to pelt the Syncretics off the +stage! Them we leave to their dirty work and their repentance, while we +proceed to _our_ "delightful task." + +To prove that the "mantle of the Elizabethan poets seems to have fallen +upon Mr. Stephens" (_Opinions_, p. 11), that the "Hungarian Daughter" is +quite as good as Knowles's best plays (_Id._ p. 4, _in two places_), that +"it is equal to Goethe" (_Id._ p. 11), that "in after years the name of +Mr. S. will be amongst those which have given light and glory to their +country" (_Id._ p. 10); to prove, in short, the truth of a hundred other +laudations collected and printed by this modest author, we shall quote a +few passages from his play, and illustrate his genius by pointing out +their beauties--an office much needed, particularly by certain dullards, +the magazine of whose souls are not combustible enough to take fire at the +electric sparks shot forth _up_ out of the depths of George Stephens's +unfathomable genius! + +The first gem that sparkles in the play, is where _Isabella_, the Queen +Dowager of Hungary, with a degree of delicacy highly becoming a matron, +makes desperate love to _Castaldo_, an Austrian ambassador. In the midst +of her ravings she breaks off, to give such a description of a +steeple-chase as Nimrod has never equalled. + + ISABELLA (_hotly_). "Love _rides_ upon a thought, + And stays not dully to _inquire the way_, + But right _o'erleaps the fence_ unto the _goal_." + +To appreciate the splendour of this image, the reader must conceive Love +booted and spurred, mounted upon a _thought_, saddled and bridled. He +starts. _Yo-hoiks_! what a pace! He stops not to "inquire the +way"--whether he is to take the first turning to the right, or the second +to the left--but on, on he rushes, clears the fence cleverly, and wins by +a dozen lengths! + +What soul, what mastery, what poetical skill is here! We triumphantly put +forth this passage as an instance of the sublime art of sinking in poetry +not to be matched by Dibdin Pitt or Jacob Jones. Love is sublimed to a +jockey, Thought promoted to a race-horse!--"Magnificent!" + +But splendid as this is, Mr. Stephens can make the force of bathos go a +little further. The passage continues ("_a pause_" intervening, to allow +breathing ime, after the splitting pace with which Love has been riding +upon Thought) thus:-- + + "Are your lips free? A smile will make no noise. + What ignorance! So! Well! _I'll to breakfast straight_!" + +Again:-- + + ISABELLA. "Ha! ha! These forms are air--mere counterfeits + Of my _imaginous_ heart, _as are the whirling + Wainscot and trembling floor_!" + +The idea of transferring the seat of imagination from the head to the +heart, and causing it to exhibit the wainscot in a pirouette, and the +floor in an ague, is highly _Shakesperesque_, and, as the _Courier_ is +made to say at page 3 of the _Opinions_, "is worthy of the best days of +that noble school of dramatic literature in which Mr. Stephens has so +successfully studied." + +This well-deserved praise--the success with which the author has studied, +in a school, the models of which were human feelings and nature,--we have +yet to illustrate from other passages. Mr. Stephens evinces his full +acquaintance with Nature by a familiarity with her convulsions: +whirlwinds, thunder, lightning, earthquakes, and volcanoes--are this +gentleman's playthings. When, for instance, _Rupert_ is going to be +gallant to Queen Isabella, she exclaims:-- + + "Dire lightnings! Scoundrel! Help!" + +_Martinuzzi_ conveys a wish for his nobles to laugh--an order for a sort +of court cachinnation--in these pretty terms:-- + + "_Blow it about_, ye opposite winds of heaven, + Till the loud chorus of derision shake + The world with laughter!" + +When he feels uncomfortable at something he is told in the first act, the +Cardinal complains thus:-- + + "Ha! earthquakes quiver in my flesh!" + +which the _Britannia_ is so good as to tell us is superior to Byron; while +the _Morning Herald_ kindly remarks, that "a more vigorous and expressive +line was _never_ penned. In five words it illustrates the fiercest +passions of humanity by the direst convulsion of nature:" (_Opinions_, p. +7) a criticism which illustrates the fiercest throes of nonsense, by the +direst convulsions of ignorance. + +_Castaldo_, being anxious to murder the Cardinal with, we suppose, all +"means and appliances to boot," asks of heaven a trifling favour:-- + + "Heaven, that look'st on, + Rain thy broad deluge first! All-teeming earth + Disgorge thy poisons, till the attainted air + Offend the sense! Thou, miscreative hell, + Let loose calamity!" + +But it is not only in the "sublime and beautiful that Mr. Stephens's +genius delights" (_vide Opinions_, p. 4); his play exhibits sentiments of +high morality, quite worthy of the "Editor of the Church of England +Quarterly Review," the author of "Lay Sermons," and other religious works. +For example: the lady-killer, _Castaldo_, is "hotly" loved by the +queen-mother, while he prefers the queen-daughter. The last and _Castaldo_ +are together. The dowager overhears their billing and cooing, and thus, +with great moderation, sends her supposed daughter to ----. But the author +shall speak for himself:-- + + "Ye viprous twain! + Swift whirlwinds snatch ye both to fire as endless + And infinite as hell! May it embrace ye! + And burn--burn limbs and sinews, souls, until + It wither ye both up--both--in its arms!" + +Elegant denunciation!--"viprous," "hell," "sinews and souls." Has Goethe +ever written anything like this? Certainly not. Therefore the "Monthly" +_is_ right at p. 11 of the _Opinions_. Stephens must be equal, if not +superior, to the author of "Faust." + +One more specimen of delicate sentiment from the lips of a virgin +concerning the lips of her lover, will fully establish the Syncretic code +of moral taste:-- + + CZERINA (_faintly_). "Do breathe heat into me: + Lay thy warm breath unto my bloodless lips: + I stagger; I--I must--" + + CASTALDO. "In mercy, what?" + + CZERINA. "Wed!!!" + +The lady ends, most maidenly, by fainting in her lover's arms. + +A higher flight is elsewhere taken. _Isabella_ urges _Castaldo_ to murder +_Martinuzzi_, in a sentence that has a powerful effect upon the feelings, +for it makes us shudder as we copy it--it will cause even _our_ readers to +tremble when they see it. The idea of using _blasphemy_ as an instrument +for shocking the minds of an audience, is as original as it is worthy of +the _sort_ of genius Mr. Stephens possesses. Alluding to a poniard, +_Isabella_ says:-- + + "Sheath it where _God_ and nature prompt your hand!" + +That is to say, in the breast of a cardinal!! + +The vulgar, who set up the common-place standards of nature, probability, +moral propriety, and respect for such sacred names as they are careful +never to utter, except with reverence, will perhaps condemn Mr. Stephens +(the aforesaid "Editor of the Church of England Quarterly Review," and +author of other religious works) with unmitigated severity. They must not +be too hasty. Mr. Stephens is a genius, and cannot, therefore, be held +accountable for the _meaning_ of his ravings, be they even blasphemous; +more than that he is a Syncretic genius, and his associates, by the +designation they have chosen, by the terms of their agreement, are bound +to cry each other up--to defend one another from the virulent attacks of +common sense and plain reason. They are sworn to _stick_ together, like +the bundle of rods in Æsop's fable. + +[Illustration: SYNCRETISM.] + +Mr. Stephens, their chief, the god of their idolatry, is, consequently, +more mad, or, according to their creed, a greater genius, than the rest; +and evidently writes passages he would shudder to pen, if he knew the +meaning of them. Upon paper, therefore, the Syncretics are not accountable +beings; and when condemned to the severest penalties of critical law, must +be reprieved on the plea of literary insanity. + +It may be said that we have descended to mere detail to illustrate Mr. +Stephens' peculiar genius--that we ought to treat of the grand design, or +plot of the _Hungarian Daughter_; but we must confess, with the deepest +humility, that our abilities are unequal to the task. The fable soars far +beyond the utmost flights of our poor conjectures, of our limited +comprehension. We know that at the end there are--one case of poisoning, +one ditto of stabbing with intent, &c., and one ditto of sudden death. +Hence we conclude that the play is a tragedy; but one which "cannot be +intended for an acting play" (_preliminary preface_, p.1,)--of course _as_ +a tragedy; yet so universal is the author's genius, that an adaptation of +the _Hungarian Daughter_, as a broad comedy, has been produced at the +"Dramatic Authors' Theatre," having been received with roars of laughter! + +The books before us have been expensively got up. In the _Hungarian +Daughter_, "rivers of type flow through meadows of margin," to the length +of nearly three hundred pages. Mr. Stephens is truly a most spirited +printer and publisher of his own works. + +But the lavish outlay he must have incurred to obtain such a number of +favourable notices--so many columns of superlative praise--shows him to +be, in every sense--like the prince of puffers, George Robins--"utterly +regardless of expense." The works third and fourth upon our list, +doubtless cost, for the _copyright_ alone, in ready money, a fortune. It +is astonishing what pecuniary sacrifices genius will make, when it +purloins the trumpet of Fame to _puff_ itself into temporary notoriety. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY. + + The Whigs, who long + Were bold and strong, + On Monday night went dead. + The jury found + This verdict sound-- + "_Destroy'd by low-priced bread_." + + * * * * * + + +AN EXCLUSIVE APPOINTMENT. + +It is with the most rampant delight that we rush to announce, that a +special warrant has been issued, appointing our friend and _protégé_, +the gallant and jocular Sibthorp, to the important office of beadle and +crier to the House of Commons--a situation which has been created from the +difficulty which has hitherto been found in inducing strangers to withdraw +during a division of the House. This responsible office could not have +been conferred upon any one so capable of discharging its onerous duties +as the Colonel. We will stake our hump, that half-a-dozen words of the +gallant Demosthenes would, at any time have the effect of + +[Illustration: CLEARING THE STRANGER'S GALLERY.] + + * * * * * + + +THE GREAT CRICKET MATCH AT ST. STEPHEN'S. + +FIRST INNINGS. + +The return match between the Reform and Carlton Clubs has been the theme +of general conversation during the past week. Some splendid play was +exhibited on the occasion, and, although the result has realised the +anticipations of the best judges, it was not achieved without considerable +exertion. + +It will be remembered that, the last time these celebrated clubs met, the +Carlton men succeeded in scoring one notch more than their rivals; who, +however, immediately challenged them to a return match, and have been +diligently practising for success since that time. + +The players assembled in _Lord's_ Cricket Ground on Tuesday last, when the +betting was decidedly in favour of the Cons, whose appearance and manner +was more confident than usual; while, on the contrary, the Rads seemed +desponding and shy. On tossing up, the Whigs succeeded in getting first +innings, and the Tories dispersed themselves about the field in high glee, +flattering themselves that they would not be _out_ long. + +Wellington, on producing the ball--a genuine _Duke_--excited general +admiration by his position. Ripon officiated as bowler at the other +wicket. Sibthorp acted as long-stop, and the rest found appropriate +situations. Lefevre was chosen umpire by mutual consent. + +Spencer and Clanricarde went in first. Spencer, incautiously trying to +score too many notches for one of his hits, was stumped out by Ripon, and +Melbourne succeeded him. Great expectations had been formed of this player +by his own party, but he was utterly unable to withstand Wellington's +rapid bowling, which soon sent him to the right-about. Clanricarde was +likewise run out without scoring a notch. + +Lansdowne and Brougham were now partners at the wickets; but Lansdowne did +not appear to like his mate, on whose play it is impossible to calculate. +Coventry, _the short slip_, excited much merriment, by a futile attempt to +catch this player out, which terminated in his finding himself horizontal +and mortified. Wellington, having bowled out Lansdowne, resigned his ball +to Peel, who took his place at the wicket with a smile of confidence, +which frightened the bat out of the hands of Phillips, the next Rad. + +Dundas and Labouchere were now the batmen. Labouchere is a very +intemperate player. One of Sandon's slow balls struck his thumb, and put +him out of temper, whereupon he hit about at random, and knocked down his +wicket. Wakley took his bat, but apparently not liking his position, he +hit up and caught himself out. + +O'Connell took his place with a lounging swagger, but his first ball was +caught by the immortal Sibthorp, who uttered more puns on the occasion +than the oldest man present recollected to have heard perpetrated in any +given time. Russell--who, by the bye, excavated several quarts of 'heavy' +during his innings--was the last man the Rads had to put in. He played +with care, and appeared disposed to keep hold of the bat as long as +possible. He was, however, quietly disposed of by one of Peel's inexorable +balls. + +Thus far the game has proceeded. The Cons have yet to _go in_. The general +opinion is, that they will not remain in so long as the Rads, but that +they will score their notches much quicker. Indeed, it was commonly +remarked, that no players had ever remained in so long, and had done so +little good withal, as the Reformites. + +Betting is at 100 to 5 in favour of the Carlton men, and anxiety is on +tip-toe to know the result of the next innings. + + * * * * * + + +The Tories are exulting in their recent victory over the poor Whigs, whom +they affirm have been _tried_, and found wanting. A _trial_, indeed, where +all the jurors were witnesses for the prosecution. One thing is certain, +that the country, as usual, will have to pay the costs, for a Tory verdict +will be certain to carry them. The Whigs should prepare a motion for a new +trial, on the plea that the late decision was that of + +[Illustration: A PACKED JURY.] + + * * * * * + + +DECIDEDLY UNPLEASANT. + +"Kiss the broad moon."--MARTINUZZI. + + Go kiss the moon!--that's more, sirs, than I can dare; + 'Tis worse than madness--hasn't she her man there? + + * * * * * + + +CURIOUS COINCIDENCE. + +The _Morning Advertiser_ has a paragraph containing a report of an +extraordinary indisposition under which a private of the Royal Guards is +now suffering. It appears he lately received a violent kick from a horse, +on the back of his head: since which time his hair has become so +sensitive, that he cannot bear any one to approach him or touch it. On +some portion being cut off by stratagem, he evinced the utmost disgust, +accompanied with a volley of oaths. This may be wonderful in French hair, +but it is nothing to the present sufferings of the Whigs in England. + + * * * * * + + +THE BARTHOLOMEW FAIR SHOW-FOLKS. + +Punch having been chosen by the unanimous voice of the public--the +_arbiter elegantiarum_ in all matters relating to science, literature, and +the fine arts--and from his long professional experience, being the only +person in England competent to regulate the public amusements of the +people, the Lord Mayor of London has confided to him the delicate and +important duty of deciding upon the claims of the several individuals +applying for licenses to open show-booths during the approaching +Bartholomew Fair. Punch, having called to his assistance Sir Peter Laurie +and Peter Borthwick, proceeded, on last Saturday, to hold his inquisition +in a highly-respectable court in the neighbourhood of West Smithfield. + +The first application was made on behalf of _Richardson's Booth_, by two +individuals named Melbourne and Russell. + +PUNCH.--On what grounds do you claim? + +MEL.--On those of long occupancy and respectability, my lord. + +RUSS.--We employs none but the werry best of actors, my lud--all "bould +speakers," as my late wenerated manager, Muster Richardson, used to call +'em. + +MEL.--We have the best scenery and decorations, the most popular +performances-- + +RUSS.--Hem! (_aside to_ MEL.)--Best say nothing about our performances, +Mel. + +PUNCH.--Pray what situations do you respectively hold in the booth? + +MEL.--_I_ am principal manager, and do the heavy tragedy business. My +friend, here, is the stage-manager and low comedy buffer, who takes the +kicks, and blows the trumpet of the establishment. + +PUNCH.--What is the nature of the entertainments you have been in the +habit of producing? + +RUSS.--Oh! the real legitimate drammar--"A New Way to Pay Old Debts," +"Raising the Wind," "A Gentleman in Difficulties," "Where shall I dine?" +and "Honest Thieves." We mean to commence the present season with "All in +the wrong," and "His Last Legs." + +PUNCH.--Humph! I am sorry to say I have received several complaints of the +manner in which you have conducted the business of your establishment for +several years. It appears you put forth bills promising wonders, while +your performances have been of the lowest possible description. + +RUSS.--S'elp me, Bob! there ain't a word of truth in it. If there's +anything we takes pride on, 'tis our gentility. + +PUNCH.--You have degraded the drama by the introduction of card-shufflers +and thimble-rig impostors. + +RUSS.--We denies the thimble-rigging in totum, my lud; that was brought +out at Stanley's opposition booth. + +PUNCH.--At least you were a promoter of state conjuring and legerdemain +tricks on the stage. + +RUSS.--Only a little hanky-panky, my lud. The people likes it; they loves +to be cheated before their faces. One, two, three--presto--begone. I'll +show your ludship as pretty a trick of putting a piece of money in your +eye and taking it out of your elbow, as you ever beheld. _Has_ your +ludship got such a thing as a good shilling about you? 'Pon my honour, +I'll return it. + +PUNCH.--Be more respectful, sir, and reply to my questions. It appears +further, that several respectable persons have lost their honesty in your +booth. + +RUSS.--Very little of that 'ere commodity is ever brought into it, my lud. + +PUNCH.--And, in short, that you and your colleagues' hands have been +frequently found in the pockets of your audience. + +RUSS.--Only in a professional way, my lud--strictly professional. + +PUNCH.--But the most serious charge of all is that, on a recent occasion, +when the audience hissed your performances, you put out the lights, let in +the swell-mob, and raised a cry of "No Corn Laws." + +RUSS.--Why, my lud, on that p'int I admit there was a slight row. + +PUNCH.--Enough, sir. The court considers you have grossly misconducted +yourself, and refuses to grant you license to perform. + +MEL.--But, my lord, I protest _I did_ nothing. + +PUNCH.--So everybody says, sir. You are therefore unfit to have the +management of (next to my own) the greatest theatre in the world. You may +retire. + +MEL. (_to_ RUSS.)--Oh! Johnny, this is your work--with your confounded +hanky-panky. + +RUSS.--No--'twas you that did it; we have been ruined by your laziness. +What _is_ to become of us now? + +MEL.--Alas! where shall we dine? + + * * * * * + +The next individual who presented himself, to obtain a license for the +Carlton Club Equestrian Troop, was a strange-loooking character, who gave +his name as Sibthorp. + +PUNCH.--What are you, sir? + +SIB.--Clown to the ring, my lord, and principal performer on the Salt-box. +I provide my own paint and pipe-clay, make my own jokes, and laugh at them +too. I do the ground and lofty tumbling, and ride the wonderful +donkey--all for the small sum of fifteen bob a-week. + +PUNCH.--You have been represented as a very noisy and turbulent fellow. + +SIB.--Meek as a lamb, my lord, except when I'm on the saw-dust; there I +acknowledge, I do crow pretty loudly--but that's in the way of +business,--and your lordship knows that we public jokers must pitch it +strong sometimes to make our audience laugh, and bring the _browns_ into +the treasury. After all, my lord, I am not the rogue many people take me +for,--more the other way, I can assure you, and + + "Though to my share some human errors fall, + Look in my face, and you'll forget them all." + +PUNCH.--A strong appeal, I must confess. You shall have your license. + +The successful claimant having made his best bow to Commissioner Punch, +withdrew, whistling the national air of + +[Illustration: "BRITONS, STRIKE HOME."] + + * * * * * + +A fellow named Peel, who has been for many years in the habit of +exhibiting as a quack-doctor, next applied for liberty to vend his +nostrums at the fair. On being questioned as to his qualifications, he +shook his head gravely, and, without uttering a word, placed the following +card in the hands of Punch. + + +TO THE GULLIBLE PUBLIC. + +SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.D. and L.S.D. + +Professor of Political Chemistry and Conservative Medicine to the + +CARLTON CLUB; + +PHYSICIAN IN ORDINARY TO THE KING OF HANOVER!!! + +Inventor of the People's Patent Sliding Stomach-pump;--of the Poor Man's +anti-Breakfast and Dinner Waist-belt;--and of the new Royal extract of +Toryism, as prescribed for, and lately swallowed by, + +THE MOST ILLUSTRIOUS PERSONAGE IN THESE DOMINIONS. + +Sir Rhubarb begs further to state, that he practises national +tooth-drawing and bleeding to an unlimited extent; and undertakes to cure +the consumption of bread without the use of + +A FIXED PLASTER. + +N.B.--No connexion with the corn doctor who recently vacated the concern +now occupied by Sir R.P. + +Hours of attendance, from ten till four each day, at his establishment, +Downing-street.--A private entrance for M.P.'s round the corner. + + * * * * * + +Ben D'Israeli, the proprietor of the Learned Pig, applied for permission +to exhibit his animal at the fair. A license was unhesitatingly granted by +his lordship, who rightly considered that the exhibition of the +extraordinary talents of the pig and its master, would do much to promote +a taste for polite literature amongst the Smithneld "pennyboys." + + * * * * * + +A poor old man, who called himself Sir Francis Burdett, applied for a +license to exhibit his wonderful Dissolving Views. The most remarkable of +which were--"The Hustings in Covent-garden--changing to Rous's dinner in +Drury-lane"--and "The Patriot in the Tower--changing to the Renegade in +the Carlton." It appeared that the applicant was, at one time, in a +respectable business, and kept "The Old Glory," a favourite public-house +in Westminster, but, falling into bad company, he lost his custom and his +character, and was reduced to his present miserable occupation. Punch, in +pity for the wretched petitioner, and fully convinced that his childish +tricks were perfectly harmless, granted him a license to exhibit. + + * * * * * + +Licenses were also granted to the following persons in the course of the +day:-- + +Sir E.L. Bulwer, to exhibit his own portrait, in the character of +Alcibiades, painted by himself. + +Doctor Bowring, to exhibit six Tartarian chiefs, caught in the vicinity of +the Seven Dials, with songs, translated from the original Irish Calmuc, by +the Doctor. + +Emerson Tennent, to exhibit his wonderful Cosmorama, or views of anywhere +and everywhere; in which the striking features of Ireland, Greece, +Belgium, and Whitechapel will be so happily confounded, that the spectator +may imagine he beholds any or all of these places at a single glance. + +Messrs. Stephens, Heraud, and Co., to exhibit, gratis, a Syncretic +Tragedy, with fireworks and tumbling, according to law, between the acts; +to be followed by a lecture on the Unactable Drama. + + * * * * * + + +CAPITAL ILLUSTRATION. + +At the recent _fracas_ in Pall Mall, between Captain Fitzroy and Mr. +Shepherd, the latter, like his predecessor of old, the "Gentle Shepherd," +performed sundry vague evolutions with a silver-mounted cane, and +requested Captain Fitzroy to consider himself horsewhipped. Not +entertaining quite so high an opinion of his adversary's imaginative +powers, the Captain floored the said descendant of gentleness, thereby +ably illustrating the precise difference of the "_real and ideal_." + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER II. + +SHOWS HOW AGAMEMNON BECAME DISGUSTED WITH NUMBER ONE, AND THE AWFUL +CONSEQUENCES WHICH SUCCEEDED. + +[Illustration: P]Poor old John's alarm was succeeded by astonishment, for +without speaking a word, Agamemnon bounced into his bed-chamber. He +thought the room the most miserable-looking room he had ever entered, +though the floor was covered with a thick Turkey carpet, a bright fire was +blazing in the grate, and everything about seemed fashioned for comfort. +He threw himself into an easy chair, and kicking off one of his pumps, +crossed his legs, and rested his elbow on the table. He looked at his +bed--it was a French one--a mountain of feathers, covered with a thick, +white Marseilles quilt, and festooned over with a drapery of rich crimson +damask. + +"I'll have a four-post to-morrow," growled Collumpsion; "French beds are +mean-looking things, after all. Stuffwell has the fellow-chair to +this--one chair does look strange! I wonder it has never struck me before; +but it is surprising--what--strange ide--as a man--has"--and Collumpsion +fell asleep. + +It was broad day when Collumpsion awoke; the fire had gone out, and his +feet were as cold as ice. He (as he is married there's no necessity for +concealment)--he swore two or three naughty oaths, and taking off his +clothes, hurried into bed in the hope of getting warm. + +"How confoundedly cold I am--sitting in that chair all night, +too--ridiculous. If I had had a--I mean, if I hadn't been alone, that +wouldn't have happened; she would have waked me." _She_--what the deuce +made him use the feminine pronoun! + +At two o'clock he rose and entered his breakfast-room. The table was laid +as usual--_one_ large cup and saucer, _one_ plate, _one_ egg-cup, _one_ +knife, and _one_ fork! He did not know wherefore, but he felt to want the +number increased. John brought up a slice of broiled salmon and _one_ egg. +Collumpsion got into a passion, and ordered a second edition. The morning +was rainy, so Collumpsion remained at home, and employed himself by +kicking about the ottoman, and mentally multiplying all the single +articles in his establishment by two. + +The dinner hour arrived, and there was the same singular provision for +one. He rang the bell, and ordered John to furnish the table for +_another_. John obeyed, though not without some strong misgiving of his +master's sanity, as the edibles consisted of a sole, a mutton chop, and a +partridge. When John left the room at his master's request, Collumpsion +rose and locked the door. Having placed a chair opposite, he resumed his +seat, and commenced a series of pantomimic gestures, which were strongly +confirmatory of John's suspicions. He seemed to be holding an inaudible +conversation with some invisible being, placing the choicest portion of +the sole in a plate, and seemingly desiring John to deliver it to the +unknown. As John was not there, he placed it before himself, and commenced +daintily and smilingly picking up very minute particles, as though he were +too much delighted to eat. He then bowed and smiled, and extending his +arm, appeared to fill the opposite glass, and having _actually_ performed +the same operation with his own, he bowed and smiled again, and sipped the +brilliant Xeres. He then rang the bell violently, and unlocking the door, +rushed rapidly back to his chair, as though he were fearful of committing +a rudeness by leaving it. The table being replenished, and John again +dismissed the room, the same pantomime commenced. The one mutton chop +seemed at first to present an obstacle to the proper conduct of the scene; +but gracefully uncovering the partridge, and as gracefully smiling towards +the invisible, he appeared strongly to recommend the bird in preference to +the beast. Dinner at length concluded, he rose, and apparently led his +phantom guest from the table, and then returning to his arm-chair, threw +himself into it, and, crossing his hands upon his breast, commenced a +careful examination of the cinders and himself. His rumination ended in a +doze, and his doze in a dream, in which he fancied himself a Brobdignag +Java sparrow during the moulting season. His cage was surrounded by +beautiful and blooming girls, who seemed to pity his condition, and vie +with each other in proposing the means of rendering him more comfortable. +Some spoke of elastic cotton shirts, linsey-wolsey jackets, and silk +nightcaps; others of merino hose, silk feet and cotton tops, shirt-buttons +and warming-pans; whilst Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs. Waddledot sang an echo +duet of "What a pity the bird is alone." + + "A change came o'er the spirit of his dream." + +He thought that the moulting season was over, and that he was rejoicing in +the fulness of a sleeky plumage, and by his side was a Java sparrowess, +chirping and hopping about, rendering the cage as populous to him as +though he were the tenant of a bird-fancier's shop. Then--he awoke just as +Old John was finishing a glass of Madeira, preparatory to arousing +Collumpsion, for the purpose of delivering to him a scented note, which +had just been left by the footman of Mrs. Waddledot. + +It was lucky for John that A.C.A. had been blessed with pleasant dreams, +or his attachment to Madeira might have occasioned his discharge from No. +24, Pleasant-terrace. + +The note was an invitation to Mrs. Waddledot's opera-box for that evening. +The performance was to be Rossini's "La Cenerentola," and as Collumpsion +recollected the subject of the opera, his heart fluttered in his bosom. A +prince marrying a cinder-sifter for love! What must the happy state be--or +rather what must it not be--to provoke such a condescension! + +Collumpsion never appeared to such advantage as he did that evening; he +was dressed to a miracle of perfection--his spirits were so elastic that +they must have carried him out of the box into "Fop's-alley," had not Mrs. +Waddledot cleverly surrounded him by the detachment from the corps of +eighteen daughters, which had (on that night) been placed under her +command. + +Collumpsion's state of mind did not escape the notice of the fair +campaigners, and the most favourable deductions were drawn from it in +relation to the charitable combination which they had formed for his +ultimate good, and all seemed determined to afford him every encouragement +in their power. Every witticism that he uttered elicited countless +smiles--every criticism that he delivered was universally applauded--in +short, Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was voted the most delightful beau +in the universe, and Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite gave himself a +plumper to the same opinion. + +On the 31st of the following month, a string of carriages surrounded St. +George's Church, Hanover-square, and precisely at a quarter to twelve, +A.M., Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite placed a plain gold ring on the +finger of Miss Juliana Theresa Waddledot, being a necessary preliminary to +the introduction of our hero, the "Heir of Applebite." + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAM. + + "I wonder if Brougham thinks as much as he talks," + Said a punster perusing a trial: + "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux, + He's been _Vaux et præterea nihil!_" + + * * * * * + + +THE TWO FATAL CHIROPEDISTS. + +Our great ancestor, Joe Miller, has recorded, in his "Booke of Jestes," an +epitaph written upon an amateur corn-cutter, named Roger Horton, who, + + "Trying one day his corn to mow off, + The razor slipp'd, and cut his toe off." + +The painful similarity of his fate with that of another corn +experimentalist, has given rise to the following:-- + +EPITAPH ON LORD JOHN RUSSELL, WHO EXPIRED POLITICALLY, AFTER A LINGERING +ILLNESS, ON MONDAY EVENING, AUGUST 30, 1841. + + In Minto quies. + + Beneath this stone lies Johnny Russell, + Who for his place had many a tussel. + Trying one day _the corn_ to cut down, + The motion fail'd, and he was _put_ down. + The benches which he nearly grew to, + The Opposition quickly flew to; + The fact it was so mortifying, + That little Johnny took to dying. + + * * * * * + + +SHALL GREAT OLYMPUS TO A MOLEHILL STOOP? + +Some difficulty has arisen as to the production of Knowles's new play at +the Haymarket Theatre. Mr. Charles Kean and Miss Helen Faucit having +objected to hear the play read, "_because their respective parts had not +been previously submitted to them._"--_Sunday Times_.--[We are of opinion +that they were decidedly right. One might as well expect a child to spell +without learning the alphabet, as either of the above persons to +understand Knowles, unless enlightened by a long course of previous +instruction.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION. + + [From a MS. drama called the "COURT OF VICTORIA." + +_Scene in Windsor Castle._ + +[_Her Majesty discovered sitting thoughtfully at an escrutoire._-- + +_Enter the_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN.] + +LORD CHAMBERLAIN.--May it please your Majesty, a letter from the Duke of +Wellington. + +THE QUEEN (_opens the letter_.)--Oh! a person for the vacant place of +Premier--show the bearer in, my lord. [_Exit_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN. + +THE QUEEN (_muses_).--Sir Robert Peel--I have heard that name before, as +connected with my family. If I remember rightly, he held the situation of +adviser to the crown in the reign of Uncle William, and was discharged for +exacting a large discount on all the state receipts; yet Wellington is +very much interested in his favour. + +_Enter the_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN, _who ushers in_ SIR ROBERT, _and then +retires. As he is going_--] + +LORD CHAMBERLAIN (_aside_).--If you do get the berth, Sir Robert, I hope +you'll not give me warning. [_Exit_. + +SIR ROBERT (_looking demurely_).--Hem! + +[_The Queen regards him very attentively._] + +THE QUEEN (_aside_).--I don't much like the looks of the fellow--that +affectation of simplicity is evidently intended to conceal the real +cunning of his character. (_Aloud_). You are of course aware of the nature +and the duties of the situation which you solicit? + +SIR ROBERT.--Oh, yes, your Majesty; I have filled it before, and liked it +very much. + +THE QUEEN.--It's a most responsible post, for upon your conduct much of +the happiness of my other servants depends. + +SIR ROBERT.--I am aware of that, your Majesty; but as no one can hope to +please everybody, I will only answer that _one half_ shall be perfectly +satisfied. + +THE QUEEN.--You have recently returned from Tamworth? + +SIR ROBERT.--Yes, your Majesty. + +THE QUEEN.--We will dispense with forms. At Tamworth, you have been +practising as a quack doctor? + +SIR ROBERT.--Yes, madam; I was brought up to doctoring, and am a professor +of sleight-of-hand. + +THE QUEEN.--What have you done in the latter art to entitle you to such a +distinction? + +SIR ROBERT.--I have performed some very wonderful changes. When I was out +of place, I had opinions strongly opposed to Catholic emancipation; but +when I got into service I changed them in the course of a few days. + +THE QUEEN.--I have heard that you boast of possessing a nostrum for the +restoration of the public good. What is it? + +SIR ROBERT.--Am I to consider myself "as regularly called in?" + +THE QUEEN.--That is a question I decline answering at present. + +SIR ROBERT.--Then I regret that I must also remain silent. + +THE QUEEN (_aside_).--The wily fox! (_aloud_)--Are you aware that great +distress exists in the country? + +SIR ROBERT.--Oh, yes! I have heard that there are several families who +keep no man-servant, and that numerous clerks, weavers, and other +artisans, occupy second-floors. + +THE QUEEN.--I have heard that the people are wanting bread. + +SIR ROBERT.--Ha, ha! that was from the late premier, I suppose. He merely +forgot an adjective--it is _cheap_ bread that the people are clamouring +for. + +THE QUEEN.--And why can they not have it? + +SIR ROBERT.--I have consulted with the Duke of Richmond upon the subject, +and he says it is impossible. + +THE QUEEN.--But why? + +SIR ROBERT.--Wheat must be lower before bread can be cheaper. + +THE QUEEN.--Well! + +SIR ROBERT.--And rents must be less if that is the case, and-- + +THE QUEEN.--Well! + +SIR ROBERT.--And that the landowners won't agree to. + +THE QUEEN.--Well! + +SIR ROBERT.--And, then, I can't keep my place a day. + +THE QUEEN.--Then the majority of my subjects are to be rendered miserable +for the advantage of the few? + +SIR ROBERT.--That's the principle of all good governments. Besides, cheap +bread would be no benefit to the masses, for wages would be lower. + +THE QUEEN.--Do you really believe such _would_ be the case? + +SIR ROBERT.--Am I regularly called in? + +THE QUEEN.--You evade a direct answer, I see. Granting such to be _your +belief_, your friends and landowners would suffer no injury, for their +incomes would procure them as many luxuries. + +SIR ROBERT.--Not if they were to live abroad, or patronise foreign +manufactures: and _should_ wages be higher, what would they say to me +after all the money they have expended in bri--I mean at the Carlton Club, +if I allow the value of their "dirty acres" to be reduced. + +THE QUEEN.--Pray, what do you call such views? + +SIR ROBERT.--Patriotism. + +THE QUEEN.--Charity would be a better term, as that is said to begin at +home. How long were you in your last place? + +SIR ROBERT.--Not half so long as I wished--for the sake of the country. + +THE QUEEN.--Why did you leave? + +SIR ROBERT.--Somebody said I was saucy--and somebody else said I was not +honest--and somebody else said I had better go. + +THE QUEEN.--Who was the latter somebody? + +SIR ROBERT.--My master. + +THE QUEEN.--Your exposure of my late premier's faults, and your present +application for his situation, result from disinterestedness, of course? + +SIR ROBERT.--Of course, madam. + +THE QUEEN.--Then salary is not so much an object as a comfortable +situation. + +SIR ROBERT.--I beg pardon; but I've been out of place ten years, and have +a small family to support. _Wages_ is, therefore, some sort of a +consideration. + +THE QUEEN.--I don't quite like you. + +SIR ROBERT (_glancing knowingly at the Queen_).--I don't think there is +any one that _you can_ have better. + +THE QUEEN.--I'm afraid not. + +SIR ROBERT.--Then, am I regularly called in? + +THE QUEEN.--Yes, you can take your boxes to Downing-street. + +[_Exeunt ambo_. + + * * * * * + + +PARLIAMENTARY INTENTIONS. + +Mr. Muntz, we understand, intends calling the attention of Parliament, at +the earliest possible period, to the state of the crops. + +Lord Palmerston intends proposing, that a looking-glass for the use of +members should be placed in the ante-room of the House, and that it shall +be called the New Mirror of Parliament. + +Mr. T. Duncombe intends moving that the plans of Sir Robert Peel be +immediately submitted to the photographic process, in order that some +light may be thrown upon them as soon as possible. + +The Earl of Coventry intends suggesting, that every member of both Houses +be immediately supplied with a copy of the work called "Ten Minutes' +Advice on Corns," in order to prepare Parliament for a full description of +the Corn Laws. + + * * * * * + + +EXTRA FASHIONABLE NEWS. + +Colonel Sibthorp has expressed his intention of becoming the blue-faced +monkey at the Zoological Gardens with his _countenance_, on next +Wednesday. + +Lord Melbourne has received visits of condolence on his retirement from +office, from Aldgate pump--Canning's statue in Palace-yard--the Three +Kings of Brentford--and the Belle Sauvage, Ludgate-hill. + +Her Royal Highness the Princess, her two nurses, and a pap-spoon, took an +airing twice round the great hall of the palace, at one o'clock yesterday. + +The Burlington Arcade will be thrown open to visitors to-morrow morning. +Gentlemen intending to appear there, are requested to come with +tooth-picks and full-dress walking-canes. + +Sir Francis Burdett's top-boots were seen, on last Saturday, walking into +Sir Robert Peel's house, accompanied by the legs of that venerable turner. + +His Grace the Duke of Wellington inspected all the passengers in Pall +Mall, from the steps of the United Service Club-house, and expressed +himself highly pleased with the celerity of the 'busses and cabs, and the +effective state of the pedestrians generally. + +His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex has, in the most unequivocal manner, +expressed his opinion on the state of the weather--which he pronounces to +be hot! hot! all hot! + + * * * * * + + +A SINGULAR INADVERTENCE. + +A good deal of merriment was caused in the House of Commons, by Mr. Bernal +and Commodore Napier addressing the members as "gentlemen." This may be +excusable in young members, but the oldest parliamentary reporter has no +recollection of the term being used by any one who had sat a session in +the House. "Too much familiarity," &c. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. VIII. + +[Illustration: THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.] + + * * * * * + + +THE MINISTRY'S ODE TO THE PASSIONS. + +NOT BY COLLINS. + + When the Whig Ministry had run, + Nor left behind a mother's son, + The Tories, at their leader's call, + Came thronging round him, one and all, + Exulting, braying, cringing, coaxing, + Expert at humbugging and hoaxing; + By turns they felt an _honest_ zeal + For private good and public weal; + Till all at once they raised such yells, + As rung in Apsley House the bells: + And as they sought snug berths to get + In Bobby Peel's new cabinet, + Each, for interest ruled the hour, + Would prove his taste for place and power. + + First Follett's hand, his skill to try, + Upon the _seals_ bewilder'd laid; + But back recoil'd--he scarce knew why-- + Of Lyndhurst's angry scowl afraid. + + Next Stanley rush'd with frenzied air; + His eager haste brook'd no delay: + He rudely seized the _Foreign_ chair, + And bade poor Cupid trudge away. + + With woeful visage Melbourne sate-- + A pint of double X his grief beguiled; + And inly pondering o'er his fate, + He bade th' attendant pot-boy "draw it mild." + + But thou, Sir Jamie Graham--prig; + What was thy delighted musing? + Now accepting, now refusing, + Till on the Admiralty pitch'd, + Still would that thought his speech prolong; + To gain the place for which he long had itch'd, + He call'd on Bobby still through all the song; + But ever as his sweetest theme he chose, + A sovereign's golden chink was heard at every close, + And Pollock grimly smiled, and shook his powder'd wig. + + And longer had he droned--but, with a frown + Brougham impatient rose; + He threw the bench of snoring bishops down, + And, with a withering look, + The Whig-denouncing trumpet took, + And made a speech so fierce and true, + Thrashing, with might and main, both friend and foe; + And ever and anon he beat, + With doubled fist his cushion'd seat; + And though sometimes, each breathless pause between, + Astonished Melbourne at his side, + His moderating voice applied, + Yet still he kept his stern, unalter'd mien, + While battering the Whigs and Tories black and blue. + + Thy ravings, Goulburn, to no theme were fix'd. + Not ev'n thy virtue is without its spots; + With piety thy politics were mix'd, + And now they courted Peel, now call'd on Doctor Watts. + + With drooping jaw, like one half-screw'd, + Lord Johnny sate in doleful mood, + And for his Secretarial seat, + Sent forth his howlings sad, but sweet + Lost Normanby pour'd forth his sad adieu; + While Palmerston, with graceful air, + Wildly toss'd his scented hair; + And pensive Morpeth join'd the sniv'lling crew. + Yet still they lingered round with fond delay, + Humming, hawing, stopping, musing, + Tory rascals all abusing, + Till forced to move away. + + But, oh! how alter'd was the whining tone + When, loud-tongued Lyndhurst, that unblushing wight, + His gown across his shoulders flung, + His wig with virgin-powder white, + Made an ear-splitting speech that down to Windsor rung, + The Tories' call, that Billy Holmes well knew, + The turn-coat Downshire and his Orange crew; + Wicklow and Howard both were seen + Brushing away the wee bit green; + Mad Londonderry laugh'd to hear, + And Inglis scream'd and shook his ass's ear + + Last Bobby Peel, with hypocritic air, + He with modest look came sneaking: + First to "_the Home_" his easy vows addrest,-- + But soon he saw the _Treasury's_ red chair, + Whose soft inviting seat he loved the best. + They would have thought, who heard his words, + They saw in Britain's cause a patriot stand, + The proud defender of his land, + To aw'd and list'ning senates speaking;-- + + But as his fingers touch'd the purse's strings, + The chinking metal made a magic sound, + While hungry placemen gather'd fast around: + And he, as if by chance or play, + Or that he would their venal votes repay, + The golden treasures round upon them flings. + + * * * * * + + +SIR ROBERT PEEL AND THE QUEEN. + + +Upon the first interview of the Queen with Sir Robert Peel, her Majesty +was determined to answer only in monosyllables to all he said; and, in +fact, to make her replies _an echo_, and nothing more, to whatever he said +to her. The following dialogue, which we have thrown into verse for the +purpose of smoothing it--the tone of it, as spoken, having been on one +side, at least, rather rough--ensued between the illustrious persons +alluded to. + + HE.--Before we into minor details go, + Do I possess your confidence or no? + + SHE.--_No._ + + HE.--You shall not vex me, though your treatment's rough; + No, madam, I am made of sterner stuff. + + SHE.--_Stuff._ + + HE.--Really, if thus your minister you flout, + A single syllable he can't get out. + + SHE.--_Get out!_ + + HE.--But try me, madam; time indeed will show + Unto what lengths to serve you I would go. + + SHE.--_Go._ + + HE.--We both have power,--'tis doubtful which is greater; + These crooked words had better be made straighter. + + SHE.--_Traighter (Traitor.)_ + + HE.--Farewell! and never in this friendly strain + (My proffer'd aid foregone) I breathe again! + + SHE.--_Gone. I breathe again!_ + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--NO. 2. + + I cannot rove with thee, where zephyrs float-- + Sweet sylvan scenes devoted to the loves!-- + For, oh! I have not got one decent coat, + Nor can I sport a single pair of gloves. + + Gladly I'd wander o'er the verdant lawn, + Where graze contentedly the fleecy flock; + But can I show myself in gills so torn, + Or brave the public gaze in such a stock? + + I know _thou_'lt answer me that love is blind, + And faults in one it worships can't perceive; + It must be sightless, truly, not to find + The hole that's gaping in my threadbare sleeve. + + Farewell, my love--for, oh! by heaven, we part, + And though it cost me all the pangs of hell. + The herd shall not on thee inflict a smart, + By calling after us--"There goes a swell!" + + * * * * * + + +A PRIVATE BOX. + +During the clear-out on Wednesday last in Downing-street, a small chest, +strongly secured, was found among some models of balloting-boxes. It had +evidently been forgotten for some years, and upon opening it, was found to +contain the Whig promises of 1832. They were immediately conveyed to Lord +Melbourne, who appeared much astonished at these resuscitation of the + +[Illustration: HOME OFFICE.] + + * * * * * + + +THE LOST MEDICAL PAPERS OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION. + +"It is somewhat remarkable," observe the journals of the past week, "that +the medical division of this scientific meeting has not contributed one +single paper this year in furtherance of its object, although the +communications from that section have usually been of a highly important +character." + +The journals may think it somewhat remarkable--we do not at all; for here, +as in every other event of the day, a great deal depends upon being +"behind the curtain;" and as the greater portion of our life is passed in +that locality, we are always to be relied upon for authenticity in our +statements. The plain truth is, that the papers were inadvertently lost, +and rather than lead to some unpleasant disclosures, in which the eminent +professor to whom they were entrusted would have been deeply implicated, +it was thought best to say nothing about them. By chance they fell into +the hands of the manager of one of our perambulating theatres, who was +toiling his way from the west of England to Egham races, and having +deposited them in his portable green-room, under the especial custody of +the clown, the doctor, and the overbearing parochial authority, he duly +remitted them to our office. We have been too happy in giving them a place +in our columns, feeling an honest pride in thus taking the lead of the +chief scientific publications of the day. It will be seen that they are +drawn up as a report, all ready for publication, according to the usual +custom of such proceedings, where every one knows beforehand what they are +to dispute or agree with. + +Dr. Splitnerve communicated a remarkable case of Animal Magnetism:--Eugene +Doldrum, aged 21, a young man of bilious and interesting temperament, +having been mesmerized, was rendered so keenly magnetic, as to give rise +to a most remarkable train of phenomena. On being seated upon a +music-stool, he immediately becomes an animated compass, and turns round +to the north. Knives and forks at dinner invariably fly towards him, and +he is not able to go through any of the squares, in consequence of being +attracted firmly to the iron railings. As most of the experiments took +place at the North London Hospital, Euston-square was his chief point of +attraction, and when he was removed, it was always found necessary to +break off the railings and take them away with him. This accounted for the +decrepit condition of the _fleur de lys_ that surround the inclosure, +which was not, as generally supposed, the work of the university pupils +residing in Gower-place. Perfect insensibility to pain supervened at the +same time, and his friends took advantage of this circumstance to send +him, by way of delicate compliment, to a lying-in lady, in the style of a +pedestrian pin-cushion, his cheeks being stuck full of minikin pins, on +the right side, forming the words "Health to the Babe," and on the left, +"Happiness to the Mother." + +Dr. Mortar read a talented paper on the cure of strabismus, or squinting, +by dividing the muscles of the eye. The patient, a working man, squinted +so terribly, that his eyes almost got into one another's sockets; and at +times he was only able to see by looking down the inside of his nose and +out at the nostrils. The operation was performed six weeks ago, when, on +cutting through the muscles, its effects were instantly visible: both the +eyes immediately diverging to the extreme outer angles of their respective +orbits. + +Dr. Sharpeye inquired if the man did not find the present state of his +vision still very perplexing. + +Dr. Mortar replied, that so far from injuring his sight, it had proved +highly beneficial, as the patient had procured a very excellent situation +in the new police, and received a double salary, from the power he +possessed of keeping an eye upon both sides of the road at the same time. + +[Illustration: WILL YOU LOOK THIS WAY, IF YOU PLEASE?] + +An elaborate and highly scientific treatise was then read by Dr. Sexton, +upon a disease which had been very prevalent in town during the spring, +and had been usually termed the influenza. He defined it as a disease of +convenience, depending upon various exciting causes acting upon the mind. +For instance:-- + +Mrs. A----, a lady residing in Belgrave-square, was on the eve of giving a +large party, when, upon hearing that Mr. A---- had made an unlucky +speculation in the funds, the whole family were seized with influenza so +violently, that they were compelled to postpone the reunion, and live upon +the provided supper for a fortnight afterwards. + +Miss B---- was a singer at one of our large theatres, and had a part +assigned to her in a new opera. Not liking it, she worried herself into an +access of influenza, which unluckily seized her the first night the opera +was to have been played. + +But the most marked case was that of Mr. C----, a clerk in a city house of +business, who was attacked and cured within three days. It appeared that +he had been dining that afternoon with some friends, who were going to +Greenwich fair the next day, and on arriving at home, was taken ill with +influenza, so suddenly that he was obliged to despatch a note to that +effect to his employer, stating also his fear that he should be unable to +attend at his office on the morrow. Dr. Sexton said he was indebted for an +account of the progress of his disease to a young medical gentleman, +clinical clerk at a leading hospital, who lodged with the patient in +Bartholomew-close. The report had been drawn up for the _Lancet_, but Dr. +S. had procured it by great interest. + + MAY 30, 1841, 11 P.M.--Present symptoms:--Complains of his + employer, and the bore of being obliged to be at the office next + morning. Has just eaten a piece of cold beef and pickles, with a + pint of stout. Pulse about 75, and considerable defluxion from the + nose, which he thinks produced by getting a piece of Cayenne pepper + in his eye. Swallowed a crumb, which brought on a violent fit of + coughing. Wishes to go to bed. + + MAY 31, 9 A.M.--Has passed a tolerable night, but appears restless, + and unable to settle to anything. Thinks he could eat some broiled + ham if he had it; but not possessing any, has taken the following: + + Rx--Infus. coffee lbj + Sacchari [symbol: dram]iij + Lactis Vaccæ [symbol: ounce]j + Ft. mistura, poculum mane sumendum. + + A plaster ordered to be applied to the inside of the stomach, + consisting of potted bloater spread upon bread and butter. + + Eleven, A.M.--Appears rather hotter since breakfast. Change of air + recommended, and Greenwich decided upon. + + Half-past 11.--Complains of the draught and noise of the + second-class railway carriages, but is otherwise not worse. Thinks + he should like "a drain of half-and-half." Has blown his nose once + in the last quarter of an hour. + + Two, P.M.--Since a light dinner of rump steaks and stout, a + considerable change has taken place. He appears labouring under + cerebral excitement and short pipes, and says he shall have a + regular beanish day, and go it similar to bricks. Calls the waiter + up to him in one of the booths, and has ordered "a glass of + cocktail with the chill off and a cinder in it." + + Three, P.M.--Has sallied out into the fair, still much excited, + calling every female he meets "Susan," and pronouncing the s's with + a whistling accent. Expresses a desire to ride in the ships that go + round and round. + + Half-past 3.--The motion of the ships has tended considerably to + relieve his stomach. Pulse slow and countenance pale, with a desire + for a glass of ale. Has entered a peepshow, and is now arguing with + the exhibitor upon the correctness of his view of the siege of "St. + Jane Daker!" which he maintains was a sea-port, and not a field + with a burning windmill, as represented in the view. + + Eight, P.M.--After rambling vaguely about the fair all the + afternoon, he has decided upon taking a hot-air bath in Algar's + Crown and Anchor booth. Evidently delirious. Has put on a false + nose, and purchased a tear-coat rattle. Appears labouring under + violent spasmodic action of the muscles of his legs, as he dances + "Jim along Josey," when he sets to his partner in a country dance + of eighty couple. + + Half-past 10, P.M.--Has just intimated that he does not see the use + of going home, as you can always go there when you can go nowhere + else. Is seated straddling across one of the tables, on which he is + beating time to the band with a hooky stick. Will not allow the + state of his pulse to be ascertained, but says we may feel his fist + if we like. + + Eleven.--Considerable difficulty experienced in getting the patient + to the railroad, but we at last succeeded. After telling every one + in the carriage "that he wasn't afraid of any of them," he fell + into a deep stertorous sleep. On arriving at home, he got into bed + with his boots on, and passed a restless night, turning out twice + to drink water between one and four. + + JUNE.--10, A.M.--Has just returned from his office, his employer + thinking him very unfit for work, and desiring him to lay up for a + day or two. Complains of being "jolly seedy," and thinks he shall + go to Greenwich again to get all right. + +A thrilling paper upon the "Philosophy of death," was then read by +Professor Wynne Slow. After tracing the origin of that fatal attack, which +it appears the earliest nations were subject to, the learned author showed +profound research in bringing forward the various terms applied to the act +of dying by popular authors. Amongst the principal, he enumerated "turning +your toes up," "kicking the bucket," "putting up your spoon," "slipping +your wind," "booking your place," "breaking your bellows," "shutting up +your shop," and other phrases full of expression. + +The last moments of remarkable characters were especially dwelt upon, in +connexion, more especially, with the drama, which gives us the best +examples, from its holding a mirror up to nature. It appeared that at +Astley's late amphitheatre, the dying men generally shuffled about a great +deal in the sawdust, fighting on their knees, and showing great +determination to the last, until life gave way; that at the Adelphi the +expiring character more frequently saw imaginary demons waiting for him, +and fell down, uttering "Off, fiends! I come to join you in your world of +flames!" and that clowns and pantaloons always gave up the ghost with +heart-rending screams and contortions of visage, as their deaths were +generally violent, from being sawn in half, having holes drilled in them +with enormous gimlets, or being shot out of cannon; but that, at the same +time, these deaths were not permanent. + + * * * * * + + +FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE. + +Our foreign expresses have reached us _via_ Billingsgate, and are full of +interesting matter. Captain Fitz-Flammer is in prison at Boulogne, for +some trifling misunderstanding with a native butcher, about the settlement +of an account; but we trust no time will be lost by our government in +demanding his release at the hands of the authorities. The attempt to make +it a private question is absurd; and every Englishman's blood will simmer, +if it does not actually boil, at the intelligence. Fitz-Flammer was only +engaged in doing that which many of our countrymen visit Boulogne +expressly to do, and it is hard that he should have been intercepted in +his retreat, after accomplishing his object. To live at the expense of a +natural enemy is certainly a bold and patriotic act, which ought to excite +sympathy at home, and protection abroad. The English packet, the _City of +Boulogne_, has turned one of its imitation guns directly towards the town, +which, we trust, will have the effect of bringing the French authorities +to reason. + +It is expected that the treaty will shortly be signed, by which Belgium +cedes to France a milestone on the north frontier; while the latter +country returns to the former the whole of the territory lying behind a +pig-stye, taken possession of in the celebrated 6th _vendemiaire_, by the +allied armies. This will put an end to the heart-burnings that have long +existed on either side of the Rhine, and will serve to apply the sponge at +once to a long score of national animosities. + +Our letters from the East are far from encouraging. The Pasha has had a +severe sore-throat, and the disaffected have taken advantage of the +circumstance. Ibrahim had spent the two last nights in the mountains, and +was unfurling his standard, when our express left, in the very bosom of +the desert. Mehemet Ali was still obstinate, and had dismissed his visier +for impertinence. The whole of Servia is in a state of revolt, and the +authorities have planted troops along the entire line, the whole of whom +have gone over to the enemy. It is said there must be further concessions, +and a new constitution is being drawn up; but it is not expected that any +one will abide by it. Mehemet attempted to throw himself upon the rock of +Nungab, with a tremendous force, but those about him wisely prevented him +from doing so. + +We have received China (tea) papers to the 16th. There is nothing in them. + + * * * * * + + +FANCIED FAIR. + +"The Duke of Wellington," says a correspondent of the _Times_, "left his +umbrella behind him at a fancy fair, held for charitable purposes, between +Twickenham and Teddington. On discovering it, Lady P. immediately said, +'Who will give twenty guineas for the Duke's umbrella?' A purchaser was +soon found; and when the fact was communicated to his Grace, he +good-naturedly remarked, 'I'll soon supply you with umbrellas, if you can +sell them with so much advantage to the charity.'" We trust his Grace's +benevolent disposition will not induce him to carry this offer into +execution. We should extremely regret to see the Hero of Waterloo in +Leicester-square, of a rainy night, vending second-hand _parapluies_. The +same charitable impulse will doubtlessly induce other fashionable hawkers +at fancy fairs to pick his Grace's pockets. We are somewhat curious to +know what a Wellington bandana would realise, especially were it the +produce of some pretty lady P.'s petty larceny. "Charity," it is said, +"covereth a multitude of sins." What must it do with an umbrella? We fear +that Lady P. will some day figure in the "fashionable departures." + +[Illustration: FOR SYDNEY DIRECT.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +MARTINUZZI AS THE ACT DIRECTS. + +The production upon the stage of a tragedy "not intended for an acting +play," as a broad travestie, is a novel and dangerous experiment--one, +however, which the combined genius of the Dramatic Authors' Council has +made, with the utmost success. The "Hungarian Daughter" was, under the +title of "Martinuzzi," received, on its first appearance, with bursts of +applause and convulsions of laughter! + +The plot of this piece our literary reviewer has expressed himself unable +to unravel. We are in the same condition; all we can promise is some +account of the scenes as they followed each other; of the characters, the +sentiments, the poetry, and the rest of the fun. + +The play opens with an elderly gentleman, in a spangled dressing-gown, who +commences business by telling us the time of day, poetically clapping a +wig upon the sun, by saying, he + + "Shakes day about, like perfume from his _hair_," + +which statement bears out the after sentence, that "the wisdom he endures +is terrible!" An Austrian gentleman--whose dress made us at first mistake +him for Richard III. on his travels--arrives to inform the gentleman _en +déshabille_--no other than _Cardinal Martinuzzi_ himself--that he has come +from King Ferdinand, to ask if he will be so good as to give up some +regency; which the Cardinal, however, respectfully declines doing. A +gentleman from Warsaw is next announced, and _Castaldo_ retires, having +incidentally declared a passion for the reigning queen of Hungary. + +Mr. Selby, as _Rupert_ from Warsaw, then appears, in a dress most +correctly copied from the costume of the knave of clubs. Being a Pole, he +stirs up the Cardinal vigorously enough to provoke some exceedingly +intemperate language, chiefly by bringing to his memory a case of +child-stealing, to which _Martinuzzi_ was, before he had quite sown his +wild oats, _particeps criminis_. This case having got into the papers +(which _Rupert_ had preserved), the Cardinal wants to obtain them, but +offers a price not long enough for the Pole, who, declaring that +_Martinuzzi_ carries it "too high" to be trusted with them, vanishes. Mr. +Morley afterwards comes forward to sing a song according to Act of +Parliament, and the scene changes for Miss Collect to comply, a second +time, with the 25th of George II. + +In the following scene, the Queen Dowager of Hungary, _Isabella_, +introduces herself to the audience, to inform them that the Austrian +gentleman, _Castaldo_, is + + "the mild, + Pity-fraught object of her fondness." + +He appears. She makes several inflammatory speeches, which he seems +determined not to understand, for he is in love with the virgin queen; and +maidens before dowagers is evidently his sensible motto. + +The second act opens with the queen junior stating her assurance, that if +she lives much longer she will die, and that when she is quite dead, she +will hate _Martinuzzi_[3]. As, however, she means to hate when she is +deceased, she will make the most of her time while alive, by devoting +herself to courtship and _Castaldo_: for a very tender love-scene ensues, +at the end of which the lady elopes, to leave the lover a clear stage for +some half-dozen minutes' ecstatics, appropriately ended by his arrest, +ordered by _Martinuzzi_. Why, it is not stated, the officer not even +producing the copy of a writ. + + [3] "_Czerina._ When I am dead--which will be soon--I feel, + If I much longer on my throne remain, + I shall abhor the name of Martinuzzi." + +In the next scene, _Isabella_ is visited by _Rupert_, who disinterestedly +presents the dowager with the papers for nothing, which he was before +offered an odd castle and snug estate for, by _Martinuzzi_. This is +accounted for on no other supposition, than the proverbial gallantry of +gentlemen from Warsaw. + +_Martinuzzi_, possessing a ward whom he is anxious should wed the queen, +opens the third act by declaring he will "precipitate the match," and so +the author considerately sends _Czerina_ to him, to talk the matter over. +But the young lady gets into a passion, and the Cardinal declares he can +make nothing of her, in the following passage:-- + + "Fool! I can make thee nothing but a laugh." + +A sentiment to which the audience gave a most vociferous echo. The damsel +is angry that she may not have the man she has chosen, and threatens to +faint, but defers that operation till her lover's arms are near enough to +receive her; which they happen to be just in time, for _Martinuzzi_ +retires and _Castaldo_ comes on. _Czerina_, to be quite sure, exclaims, +"_Are_ these thy arms?" (_sic_) and finally faints in the lover's embrace, +so as to exhibit a picturesque cuddle. + +_Queen Isabella_ is discovered, in the second scene of this act, perusing +the much vaunted "papers" with intense interest. Unluckily _Castaldo_ +chooses that moment to complain, that _Martinuzzi_ will not let him marry +her rival. The queen, being by no means a temperate person, and wondering +at his impudence in telling _her_ such a tale, raves thus:-- + + "My soul's on fire I'm choked, and seem to perish; + _But will suppress my scream_" + +Probably for fear of compromising _Castaldo_, who is alone with her; and +she ends the act by requesting the Austrian to murder _Martinuzzi_; to +which he is so obliging as to consent, the more so, as an order comes from +the Secretary of State for foreign affairs, of his own government, to "cut +off" (_sic_) the Regent. + +The fourth act is enlivened by a masquerade and a murder. The gentleman +from Warsaw having abused the hospitality of his host by getting drunk, is +punished by one of _Martinuzzi's_ attendants with a mortal stab; and +having, in the agonies of death, made a careful survey of all the sofas in +the apartment, suits himself with the softest, and dies in great comfort. + +After this, the masquerade proceeds with spirit. _Isabella_ mixes in the +festive scene, disguised in a domino, made of black sticking-plaster. +_Czerina_ overhears that she is a usurper and a changeling, and expresses +her surprise in a line most unblushingly stolen from Fitz-Ball and the +other poetico-melo-dramatists:-- + + "Merciful Heavens! do my ears deceive me?" + +The festivities conclude with an altercation between _Martinuzzi_ and +_Isabella_, carried on with much vigour on both sides. The lady accuses +the gentleman of inebriation, and he owns the soft impeachment, fully +bearing it out by several incoherent speeches. + +This was one of the most successful scenes in the comedy. The death of +_Rupert_, Mr. Morley's song about "The sea," the quarrel (which was about +the great pivot of the plot, "the papers," inscribed, says _Martinuzzi_, + + "With ink that's _brew'd_ in the infernal Styx,") + +were all received with uproarious bursts of laughter. + +In the fifth act, we behold _Martinuzzi_ and the usurping young Queen +making matters up at a railway pace. She has it all her own way. If she +choose, she may marry _Castaldo_, retire into private life, be a +"farm-house thrall," and keep a "dairy;" for which estate she has +previously expressed a decided predilection[4]. + + [4] Acting play, published in the theatre, p. 32. + +But it is the next scene that the author seems to have reserved for +putting forth his strongest powers of burlesque and broad humour. +_Isabella_ and _Castaldo_ are together; the latter feels a little afraid +to murder _Martinuzzi_, but is impelled to the deed by a thousand +imaginary torches, which he fears will hurry his "_moth_-like soul" into +their "blinding sun-beams," till it (the soul) is scorched "_into_ +cinders." + +_Castaldo_ appears, in truth, a very bad barber of murders; for, as he is +rushing out to + + "Strike the tyrant down--in crimson streams + Rend every nerve," + +_Isabella_ has the shrewdness to discover that he is without a weapon. +Important omission! The incipient assassin exclaims-- + + "Oh! that I had my sword!" + +but at that moment (clever, dramatic contrivance!) + + [_Enter_ CZERINA, _with a drawn sword_.] + "CZERINA. There's one! Thine own!" + +Far from being grateful for this opportune supply of ways and means for +murder. _Castaldo_ calls the bilbo a "fated aspic," upon the edge of which +his "eye-balls crack to look," and makes a raving exit from the stage, to +a roaring laugh from the audience. + +It is quite clear to _Isabella_, from his extreme carelessness about his +tools, that _Castaldo_ is not safely to be trusted with a job which +requires so much tact and business-like exactitude as the capital offence. +She therefore "_shows a phial_," which she intends, "occasion suiting," +for "_Martinuzzi's_ bane;" thereby hinting that, if _Castaldo_ fail with +his steel medicine, she is ready with a surer potion. + +The next scene, being the last, was ushered in with acclamations. The +stage, as is always in that case made and provided, was full. There is a +young gentleman on a throne, and _Czerina_ beside it, having been somehow +ungallantly deposed. _Martinuzzi_ expresses a wish to drink somebody's +health, and this being the "fitting opportunity" mentioned by the author +in the scene preceeding, _Isabella_ empties the phial of her wrath into +the beverage, and the _Cardinal_ quenches his thirst with a most +intemperate draught. It is now duly announced, that _Castaldo_ is, "with +naked sword, approaching." That gentleman appears, and makes a speech long +enough for any man who has had such plain warning of what is to +happen--even a cardinal encumbered with a spangled dressing-gown--to get a +mile out of his way. The speech quite ended, he goes to work, and with +"this from King Ferdinand," thrusts at _Martinuzzi_. _Czerina_, however, +throws herself, with great skill, on the point of the sword, and dies. +Another long harangue from _Castaldo_--which, as he is evidently +broken-winded from exertion, is pronounced in tiny snatches--and he dies +with a "ha!" for want--like many greater men--of breath. + +Meanwhile, the poison makes _Martinuzzi_ exceedingly uncomfortable in the +stomachic regions. He is quite sure + + "That hath been done to me which sends me _star_-ward!" + +but in his progress thither he evidently loses his way; for he ends the +play by inquiring-- + + "WHERE IS THE WORLD?" + +The sublimity of which query is manifestly insisted on by the author, by +his having it printed in capitals. + +When the curtain fell, there arose an uproarious shout for the author; but +instead of "the mantle of the Elizabethan poets," which, it has been said, +he commonly wears, the most attractive garment that met the view was an +expansive white waistcoat. This latter exhibition concluded the +entertainments, strictly so called; for though a farce followed, it turned +out a terrible bore. + + * * * * * + + +CONCERTS D'ETE. + +If the advance of musical science is to be effected by indecent _tableaux +vivans_--by rattling peas against sieves, and putting out the lights +(appropriately enough) when Beethoven is being murdered--by the most +contemptible class of compositions that ever was put upon score-paper, and +noised forth from an ill-disciplined band--if these be the means towards +improving musical taste, Monsieur Jullien is undoubtedly the harmonic +regenerator of this country. He is a great man--great in his own +estimation--great to the ends of his moustachios and the tips of his +gloves--a great composer, and a great charlatan--_ex. gr._:-- + +The overture to the promenade concerts usually consists of a pantomime +entirely new to an English audience. Monsieur Jullien having made his +appearance in the orchestra, seats himself in a conspicuous situation, to +indulge the ladies with the most favourable view of his elegant person, +and the splendid gold-chainery which is spread all over his magnificent +waistcoat. A servant in livery then appears, and presents him with a pair +of white kid gloves. The illustrious conductor, having taken some time to +thrust them upon a very large and red hand, leisurely takes up his baton, +rises, grins upon the expectant musicians, lifts his arm, and--the first +chord is struck! + +Quadrilles are the staple of the evening--those composed by Monsieur +Jullien always, of course, claiming precedence and preference. These are +usually interspersed with solos on the flageolet, to contrast with +_obligati_ for the ophecleido; the drummers--side, long, and double--are +seldom inactive; the trombones and trumpets have no sinecure, and there is +always a great mortality amongst the fiddle-strings. Eight bars of +impossible variation is sure to be succeeded by sixteen of the deafening +fanfare of trumpets, combined with smashing cymbalism, and dreadful +drumming. + +The public have a taste for headaches, and Jullien has imported a capital +recipe for creating them; they applaud--he bows; and musical taste +goes--in compliment to the ex-waiter's genuine profession of man-cook--to +_pot_. + +But the _ci-devant cuisinier_ is not content with comparatively harmless, +plain-sailing humbug; he must add some _sauce piquante_ to his musical +hashes. He cannot rest with merely stunning English ears, but must shock +our morals, At the _bals masqués_, the French dancers, and the hardly +mentionable _cancan_, were hooted back to their native stews under the +Palais Royal; but he provides substitutes for them in the _tableaux +vivans_ now exhibiting. This, because a more insidious, is a safer +introduction. The living figures are dressed to imitate plaster-of-Paris, +and are so arranged as to form groups, called in the bills "classical;" +but for which it would be difficult to find originals. In short, the whole +thing is a feeler thrown out to see how far French impudence and French +epicureanism in vice may carry themselves. It shall not be our fault if +they do not experience an ignominious downfall, and beat a speedy retreat, +to the tune of the "Rogue's March," arranged as a quadrille! + + * * * * * + + +MADAME TUSSAUD'S, + +THE REAL TEMPLE OF FAME. + + "Some men are born to greatness, some men achieve greatness, and + some have greatness thrust upon them."--SHAKSPEARE. + +Reader, should you doubt the above assertion, in the true showman +phraseology, just "Walk up! walk up!" to Madame Tussaud's, the real Temple +of Fame, and let such doubts vanish for ever; convince yourselves that the +mighty attribute not more survives from good than evil deeds, though, like +poverty, it makes its votaries acquainted with the strangest of strange +bedfellows! The regal ermine and the murderer's fustian alike obtain their +enviable niche. + +The likeness of departed majesty, robed in the matchless splendour of a +ruler's state, redolent with all the mimic glories of a king's insignia, +the modelled puppet from the senseless clay, that wore in life the +imperial purple, and moved a breathing thing, chief actor in its childish +mummeries, may here be seen shining in tinselled pomp, in glittering +contrast to the blood-stained shirt through which the dagger of Ravaillac +reached the bosom of the murdered Henry. + +The "Real Robes" of the dead George give value to his waxen image! The +heart's-blood of the slaughtered Henry immortalises the linen bearing its +hideous stain. The daring leader of France's countless hosts--the +wholesale slaughterer of unnumbered thousands--ambition's mightiest +son--now ruling kingdoms and now ruled by one--once more than king--in +death the captive of his hated foes--"the great Napoleon!" shares the +small space with the enshrined Fieschi! + +The glorious triumphs of the mighty Wellington are here no better +passports than the foul murders of the atrocious Burke; the subtle +Talleyrand, the deep deviser of political schemes, ruler of rulers, and +master mover of the earth's great puppets, is not one jot superior to the +Italian mountebank, whose well-skilled hand drew tones from catgut +rivalling even the ideal trumpet of great Fame herself! + +By some strange anomaly, _success_ and _failure_ alike render the +candidates admissible--no matter the littleness of the source from whence +they sprung. Lord Melbourne's "premiership" gave shape to the all but +Promethean wax. The failure of John Frost, his humble follower, secured +his right to Fame's posthumous honours. All partiality is _here_ +forgotten. The titled premier, in the haunts of men, may boast his +monarch's palace as his home. The suffering felon, though _iron_ binds his +limbs, and eats into his heart--though slow approaching, but sure-coming +death, makes the broad world for him a living grave, _here_ he stands, as +one among the great ones of the _show_! The amiability of Albert, that +"excellent Prince," and therefore "_most_ excellent young man," is +ingeniously contrasted with the vices of a Greenacre, and the villany of a +_Hare_. The stern endurance and unflinching perseverance of the zealous +and single-hearted Calvin is deprived of its exclusiveness by the more +exciting and equally famous Sir William Courtenay (_alias_ Thom). + +The thrilling recollection of the "poet peer," and "peerless poet," the +highly-imaginative and unrivalled Byron, whose flood of song, poured out +in one continuous stream of varied passion-breathing fancy, is calmed by +gazing on "dull life's antipodes," the bandaged remnant of a dried-up +mummy! + +Poor Mary Stuart! the beautiful, the murdered Queen of Scots, is only +parted from the "Maiden Queen," who sealed her doom, by the interposition +of the blood-stained ruthless wretch (England's Eighth Harry), to whom +"Bess" owed her birth! + +Pitt, Fox, and Canning are matched with Courvoisier, Gould, and Collins. + +Liston is _vis à vis_ to Joe Hume, while Louis Philippe but shares +attention with the rivalling models of the Bastille and Guillotine! + +Verily, there is a moral in all this, "an we could but find it out." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, September 5, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14926-8.txt or 14926-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14926/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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