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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 5, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 5, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14926]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 5, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+[Illustration: O]Our consideration must now be given to those essentials
+in the construction of a true gentleman--the cut, ornaments, and pathology
+of his dress.
+
+THE CUT
+
+is to the garment what the royal head and arms are to the coin--the
+insignia that give it currency. No matter what the material, gold or
+copper, Saxony or sackcloth, the die imparts a value to the one, and the
+shears to the other.
+
+Ancient Greece still lives in its marble demi-gods; the vivifying chisel
+of Phidias was thought worthy to typify the sublimity of Jupiter; the
+master-hand of Canova wrought the Parian block into the semblance of the
+sea-born goddess, giving to insensate stone the warmth and etheriality of
+the Paphian paragon; and Stultz, with his grace-bestowing shears, has
+fashioned West of England broad-cloths, and fancy goods, into all the
+nobility and gentility of the "Blue Book," the "Court Guide," the "Army,
+Navy, and Law Lists, for 1841."
+
+Wondrous and kindred arts! The sculptor wrests the rugged block from the
+rocky ribs of his mother earth;--the tailor clips the implicated "_long
+hogs_"[1] from the prolific backs of the living mutton;--the toothless
+saw, plied by an unweayring hand, prepares the stubborn mass for the
+chisel's tracery;--the loom, animated by steam (that gigantic child of
+Wallsend and water), twists and twines the unctuous and pliant fleece into
+the silky Saxony.
+
+    [1] The first growth of wool.
+
+The sculptor, seated in his _studio_, throws loose the reins of his
+imagination, and, conjuring up some perfect ideality, seeks to impress the
+beautiful illusion on the rude and undigested mass before him. The tailor
+spreads out, upon his ample board, the happy broadcloth; his eyes scan the
+"measured proportions of his client," and, with mystic power, guides the
+obedient pipe-clay into the graceful diagram of a perfect gentleman. The
+sculptor, with all the patient perseverance of genius, conscious of the
+greatness of its object, chips, and chips, and chips, from day to day; and
+as the stone quickens at each touch, he glows with all the pride of the
+creative Prometheus, mingled with the gentler ecstacies of paternal love.
+The tailor, with fresh-ground shears, and perfect faith in the gentility
+and solvency of his "client," snips, and snips, and snips, until the
+"superfine" grows, with each abscission, into the first style of elegance
+and fashion, and the excited schneider feels himself "every inch a king,"
+his shop a herald's college, and every brown paper pattern garnishing its
+walls, an escutcheon of gentility.
+
+But to dismount from our Pegasus, or, in other words, to cut the poetry,
+and come to the practice of our subject, it is necessary that a perfect
+gentleman should be cut _up_ very high, or cut _down_ very low--_i.e._, up
+to the marquis or down to the jarvey. Any intermediate style is perfectly
+inadmissible; for who above the grade of an attorney would wear a coat
+with pockets inserted in the tails, like salt-boxes; or any but an
+incipient Esculapius indulge in trousers that evinced a morbid ambition to
+become knee-breeches, and were only restrained in their aspirations by a
+pair of most strenuous straps. We will now proceed to details.
+
+_The dressing-gown_ should be cut only--for the arm holes; but be careful
+that the quantity of material be very ample--say four times as much as is
+positively necessary, for nothing is so characteristic of a perfect
+gentleman as his improvidence. This garment must be constructed without
+buttons or button-holes, and confined at the waist with cable-like
+bell-ropes and tassels. This elegant _deshabille_ had its origin (like the
+Corinthian capital from the Acanthus) in accident. A set of massive
+window-curtains having been carelessly thrown over a lay figure, or
+tailor's _torso_, in Nugee's _studio_, in St. James's-street, suggested to
+the luxuriant mind of the Adonisian D'Orsay, this beautiful combination of
+costume and upholstery. The eighteen-shilling chintz great-coats, so
+ostentatiously put forward by nefarious tradesmen as dressing-gowns, and
+which resemble pattern-cards of the vegetable kingdom, are unworthy the
+notice of all gentlemen--of course excepting those who are so by act of
+Parliament. Although it is generally imagined that the coat is the
+principal article of dress, _we_ attach far greater importance to the
+trousers, the cut of which should, in the first place, be regulated by
+nature's cut of the leg. A gentleman who labours under either a convex or
+a concave leg, cannot be too particular in the arrangement of the
+strap-draught. By this we mean that a concave leg must have the pull on
+the convex side, and _vice versa_, the garment being made full, the
+effects of bad nursing are, by these means, effectually "repealed."[2]
+This will be better understood if the reader will describe a
+parallelogram, and draw therein the arc of a circle equal to that
+described by his leg, whether knock-kneed or bandy.
+
+    [2] Baylis.
+
+If the leg be perfectly straight, then the principal peculiarity of cut to
+be attended to, is the external assurance that the trousers cannot be
+removed from the body without the assistance of a valet.
+
+The other considerations should be their applicability to the promenade or
+the equestriade. We are indebted to our friend Beau Reynolds for this
+original idea and it is upon the plan formerly adopted by him that we now
+proceed to advise as to the maintenance of the distinctions.
+
+Let your schneider baste the trousers together, and when you have put them
+on, let them be braced to their natural tension; the schneider should
+then, with a small pair of scissors, _cut out_ all the wrinkles which
+offend the eye. The garment, being removed from your person, is again
+taken to the tailor's laboratory, and the embrasures carefully and
+artistically fine-drawn. The process for walking or riding trousers only
+varies in these particulars--for the one you should stand upright, for the
+other you should straddle the back of a chair. Trousers cut on these
+principles entail only two inconveniences, to which every one with the
+true feelings of a gentleman would willingly submit. You must never
+attempt to sit down in your walking trousers, or venture to assume an
+upright position in your equestrians, for compound fractures in the region
+of the _os sacrum_, or dislocations about the _genu patellae_ are certain
+to be the results of such rashness, and then
+
+[Illustration: "THE PEACE OF THE VALET IS FLED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. -- NO. 6.
+
+  Thou hast humbled the proud,
+  For my spirit hath bow'd
+  More humbly to thee than it e'er bow'd before;
+      But thy pow'r is past,
+      Thou hast triumph'd thy last,
+  And the heart you enslaved beats in freedom once more!
+      I have treasured the flow'r
+      You wore but an hour,
+  And knelt by the mound where together we've sat;
+      But thy-folly and pride
+      I now only deride--
+  So, fair Isabel, take your change out of that!
+
+  That I loved, and how well,
+  It were madness to tell
+  To one who hath mock'd at my madd'ning despair.
+      Like the white wreath of snow
+      On the Alps' rugged brow,
+  Isabel, I have proved thee as cold as thou'rt fair!
+      'Twas thy boast that I sued,
+      That you scorn'd as I woo'd--
+  Though thou of my hopes were the Mount Ararat;
+      But to-morrow I wed
+      Araminta instead--
+  So, fair Isabel, take your change out of that!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LAST HAUL.
+
+The ponds in St. James's Park were on last Monday drawn with nets, and a
+large quantity of the fish preserved there carried away by direction of
+the Chief Commissioner of Woods and Forests. Our talented correspondent,
+Ben D'Israeli, sends us the following squib on the circumstance:--
+
+  "Oh! never more," Duncannon cried,
+    "The spoils of place shall fill our dishes!
+  But though we've lost the _loaves_ we'll take
+    Our last sad haul amongst the _fishes_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GENERAL SATISFACTION.
+
+Lord Coventry declared emphatically that the sons, the fathers, and the
+grandfathers were all satisfied with the present corn laws. Had his
+lordship thought of the _Herald_, he might have added, "and the
+grandmothers also."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+If the enthusiastic individual who distinguished himself on the O.P. side
+of third row in the pit of "the late Theatre Royal English Opera House,"
+but now the refuge for the self-baptised "Council of Dramatic Literature,"
+can be warranted sober, and guaranteed an umbrella, in the use of which he
+is decidedly unrivalled, he is requested to apply to the Committee of
+management, where he will hear of something to his "advantage."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"PUNCH'S" LITERATURE.
+
+  I. "The Hungarian Daughter," a Dramatic Poem, by George Stephens,
+     8vo., pp. 294. London: 1841.
+
+ II. "Introductory(!) Preface to the above," pp. 25.
+
+III. "Supplement to the above;" consisting of "Opinions of the Press,"
+     on various Works by George Stephens, 8vo., pp. 8.
+
+ IV. "Opinions of the Press upon the 'Dramatic Merits' and 'Actable
+     Qualities' of the Hungarian Daughter," 8vo., _closely printed_,
+     pp. 16.
+
+The blind and vulgar prejudice in favour of Shakspeare, Massinger, and the
+elder dramatic poets--the sickening adulation bestowed upon Sheridan
+Knowles and Talfourd, among the moderns--and the base, malignant, and
+selfish partiality of theatrical managers, who insist upon performing
+those plays only which are adapted to the stage--whose grovelling souls
+have no sympathy with genius--whose ideas are fixed upon gain, have
+hitherto smothered those blazing illuminati, George Stephens and his
+syn--Syncretcis; have hindered their literary effulgence from breaking
+through the mists hung before the eyes of the public, by a weak,
+infatuated adherence to paltry Nature, and a silly infatuation in favour
+of those who copy her.
+
+At length, however, the public blushes (through its representative, the
+provincial press, and the above-named critical puffs,) with shame--the
+managers are fast going mad with bitter vexation, for having, to use the
+words of that elegant pleonasm, the _introductory_ preface, "by a sort of
+_ex officio_ hallucination," rejected this and some twenty other
+exquisite, though unactable dramas! It is a fact, that since the opening
+of the English Opera House, Mr. Webster has been confined to his room;
+Macready has suspended every engagement for Drury-lane; and the managers
+of Covent Garden have gone the atrocious length of engaging sibilants and
+ammunition from the neighbouring market, to pelt the Syncretics off the
+stage! Them we leave to their dirty work and their repentance, while we
+proceed to _our_ "delightful task."
+
+To prove that the "mantle of the Elizabethan poets seems to have fallen
+upon Mr. Stephens" (_Opinions_, p. 11), that the "Hungarian Daughter" is
+quite as good as Knowles's best plays (_Id._ p. 4, _in two places_), that
+"it is equal to Goethe" (_Id._ p. 11), that "in after years the name of
+Mr. S. will be amongst those which have given light and glory to their
+country" (_Id._ p. 10); to prove, in short, the truth of a hundred other
+laudations collected and printed by this modest author, we shall quote a
+few passages from his play, and illustrate his genius by pointing out
+their beauties--an office much needed, particularly by certain dullards,
+the magazine of whose souls are not combustible enough to take fire at the
+electric sparks shot forth _up_ out of the depths of George Stephens's
+unfathomable genius!
+
+The first gem that sparkles in the play, is where _Isabella_, the Queen
+Dowager of Hungary, with a degree of delicacy highly becoming a matron,
+makes desperate love to _Castaldo_, an Austrian ambassador. In the midst
+of her ravings she breaks off, to give such a description of a
+steeple-chase as Nimrod has never equalled.
+
+    ISABELLA (_hotly_). "Love _rides_ upon a thought,
+  And stays not dully to _inquire the way_,
+  But right _o'erleaps the fence_ unto the _goal_."
+
+To appreciate the splendour of this image, the reader must conceive Love
+booted and spurred, mounted upon a _thought_, saddled and bridled. He
+starts. _Yo-hoiks_! what a pace! He stops not to "inquire the
+way"--whether he is to take the first turning to the right, or the second
+to the left--but on, on he rushes, clears the fence cleverly, and wins by
+a dozen lengths!
+
+What soul, what mastery, what poetical skill is here! We triumphantly put
+forth this passage as an instance of the sublime art of sinking in poetry
+not to be matched by Dibdin Pitt or Jacob Jones. Love is sublimed to a
+jockey, Thought promoted to a race-horse!--"Magnificent!"
+
+But splendid as this is, Mr. Stephens can make the force of bathos go a
+little further. The passage continues ("_a pause_" intervening, to allow
+breathing ime, after the splitting pace with which Love has been riding
+upon Thought) thus:--
+
+  "Are your lips free? A smile will make no noise.
+  What ignorance! So! Well! _I'll to breakfast straight_!"
+
+Again:--
+
+    ISABELLA. "Ha! ha! These forms are air--mere counterfeits
+  Of my _imaginous_ heart, _as are the whirling
+  Wainscot and trembling floor_!"
+
+The idea of transferring the seat of imagination from the head to the
+heart, and causing it to exhibit the wainscot in a pirouette, and the
+floor in an ague, is highly _Shakesperesque_, and, as the _Courier_ is
+made to say at page 3 of the _Opinions_, "is worthy of the best days of
+that noble school of dramatic literature in which Mr. Stephens has so
+successfully studied."
+
+This well-deserved praise--the success with which the author has studied,
+in a school, the models of which were human feelings and nature,--we have
+yet to illustrate from other passages. Mr. Stephens evinces his full
+acquaintance with Nature by a familiarity with her convulsions:
+whirlwinds, thunder, lightning, earthquakes, and volcanoes--are this
+gentleman's playthings. When, for instance, _Rupert_ is going to be
+gallant to Queen Isabella, she exclaims:--
+
+  "Dire lightnings! Scoundrel! Help!"
+
+_Martinuzzi_ conveys a wish for his nobles to laugh--an order for a sort
+of court cachinnation--in these pretty terms:--
+
+  "_Blow it about_, ye opposite winds of heaven,
+  Till the loud chorus of derision shake
+  The world with laughter!"
+
+When he feels uncomfortable at something he is told in the first act, the
+Cardinal complains thus:--
+
+  "Ha! earthquakes quiver in my flesh!"
+
+which the _Britannia_ is so good as to tell us is superior to Byron; while
+the _Morning Herald_ kindly remarks, that "a more vigorous and expressive
+line was _never_ penned. In five words it illustrates the fiercest
+passions of humanity by the direst convulsion of nature:" (_Opinions_, p.
+7) a criticism which illustrates the fiercest throes of nonsense, by the
+direst convulsions of ignorance.
+
+_Castaldo_, being anxious to murder the Cardinal with, we suppose, all
+"means and appliances to boot," asks of heaven a trifling favour:--
+
+  "Heaven, that look'st on,
+  Rain thy broad deluge first! All-teeming earth
+  Disgorge thy poisons, till the attainted air
+  Offend the sense! Thou, miscreative hell,
+  Let loose calamity!"
+
+But it is not only in the "sublime and beautiful that Mr. Stephens's
+genius delights" (_vide Opinions_, p. 4); his play exhibits sentiments of
+high morality, quite worthy of the "Editor of the Church of England
+Quarterly Review," the author of "Lay Sermons," and other religious works.
+For example: the lady-killer, _Castaldo_, is "hotly" loved by the
+queen-mother, while he prefers the queen-daughter. The last and _Castaldo_
+are together. The dowager overhears their billing and cooing, and thus,
+with great moderation, sends her supposed daughter to ----. But the author
+shall speak for himself:--
+
+  "Ye viprous twain!
+  Swift whirlwinds snatch ye both to fire as endless
+  And infinite as hell! May it embrace ye!
+  And burn--burn limbs and sinews, souls, until
+  It wither ye both up--both--in its arms!"
+
+Elegant denunciation!--"viprous," "hell," "sinews and souls." Has Goethe
+ever written anything like this? Certainly not. Therefore the "Monthly"
+_is_ right at p. 11 of the _Opinions_. Stephens must be equal, if not
+superior, to the author of "Faust."
+
+One more specimen of delicate sentiment from the lips of a virgin
+concerning the lips of her lover, will fully establish the Syncretic code
+of moral taste:--
+
+    CZERINA (_faintly_). "Do breathe heat into me:
+  Lay thy warm breath unto my bloodless lips:
+  I stagger; I--I must--"
+
+    CASTALDO. "In mercy, what?"
+
+    CZERINA. "Wed!!!"
+
+The lady ends, most maidenly, by fainting in her lover's arms.
+
+A higher flight is elsewhere taken. _Isabella_ urges _Castaldo_ to murder
+_Martinuzzi_, in a sentence that has a powerful effect upon the feelings,
+for it makes us shudder as we copy it--it will cause even _our_ readers to
+tremble when they see it. The idea of using _blasphemy_ as an instrument
+for shocking the minds of an audience, is as original as it is worthy of
+the _sort_ of genius Mr. Stephens possesses. Alluding to a poniard,
+_Isabella_ says:--
+
+  "Sheath it where _God_ and nature prompt your hand!"
+
+That is to say, in the breast of a cardinal!!
+
+The vulgar, who set up the common-place standards of nature, probability,
+moral propriety, and respect for such sacred names as they are careful
+never to utter, except with reverence, will perhaps condemn Mr. Stephens
+(the aforesaid "Editor of the Church of England Quarterly Review," and
+author of other religious works) with unmitigated severity. They must not
+be too hasty. Mr. Stephens is a genius, and cannot, therefore, be held
+accountable for the _meaning_ of his ravings, be they even blasphemous;
+more than that he is a Syncretic genius, and his associates, by the
+designation they have chosen, by the terms of their agreement, are bound
+to cry each other up--to defend one another from the virulent attacks of
+common sense and plain reason. They are sworn to _stick_ together, like
+the bundle of rods in AEsop's fable.
+
+[Illustration: SYNCRETISM.]
+
+Mr. Stephens, their chief, the god of their idolatry, is, consequently,
+more mad, or, according to their creed, a greater genius, than the rest;
+and evidently writes passages he would shudder to pen, if he knew the
+meaning of them. Upon paper, therefore, the Syncretics are not accountable
+beings; and when condemned to the severest penalties of critical law, must
+be reprieved on the plea of literary insanity.
+
+It may be said that we have descended to mere detail to illustrate Mr.
+Stephens' peculiar genius--that we ought to treat of the grand design, or
+plot of the _Hungarian Daughter_; but we must confess, with the deepest
+humility, that our abilities are unequal to the task. The fable soars far
+beyond the utmost flights of our poor conjectures, of our limited
+comprehension. We know that at the end there are--one case of poisoning,
+one ditto of stabbing with intent, &c., and one ditto of sudden death.
+Hence we conclude that the play is a tragedy; but one which "cannot be
+intended for an acting play" (_preliminary preface_, p.1,)--of course _as_
+a tragedy; yet so universal is the author's genius, that an adaptation of
+the _Hungarian Daughter_, as a broad comedy, has been produced at the
+"Dramatic Authors' Theatre," having been received with roars of laughter!
+
+The books before us have been expensively got up. In the _Hungarian
+Daughter_, "rivers of type flow through meadows of margin," to the length
+of nearly three hundred pages. Mr. Stephens is truly a most spirited
+printer and publisher of his own works.
+
+But the lavish outlay he must have incurred to obtain such a number of
+favourable notices--so many columns of superlative praise--shows him to
+be, in every sense--like the prince of puffers, George Robins--"utterly
+regardless of expense." The works third and fourth upon our list,
+doubtless cost, for the _copyright_ alone, in ready money, a fortune. It
+is astonishing what pecuniary sacrifices genius will make, when it
+purloins the trumpet of Fame to _puff_ itself into temporary notoriety.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+     The Whigs, who long
+     Were bold and strong,
+  On Monday night went dead.
+     The jury found
+     This verdict sound--
+  "_Destroy'd by low-priced bread_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXCLUSIVE APPOINTMENT.
+
+It is with the most rampant delight that we rush to announce, that a
+special warrant has been issued, appointing our friend and _protege_,
+the gallant and jocular Sibthorp, to the important office of beadle and
+crier to the House of Commons--a situation which has been created from the
+difficulty which has hitherto been found in inducing strangers to withdraw
+during a division of the House. This responsible office could not have
+been conferred upon any one so capable of discharging its onerous duties
+as the Colonel. We will stake our hump, that half-a-dozen words of the
+gallant Demosthenes would, at any time have the effect of
+
+[Illustration: CLEARING THE STRANGER'S GALLERY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT CRICKET MATCH AT ST. STEPHEN'S.
+
+FIRST INNINGS.
+
+The return match between the Reform and Carlton Clubs has been the theme
+of general conversation during the past week. Some splendid play was
+exhibited on the occasion, and, although the result has realised the
+anticipations of the best judges, it was not achieved without considerable
+exertion.
+
+It will be remembered that, the last time these celebrated clubs met, the
+Carlton men succeeded in scoring one notch more than their rivals; who,
+however, immediately challenged them to a return match, and have been
+diligently practising for success since that time.
+
+The players assembled in _Lord's_ Cricket Ground on Tuesday last, when the
+betting was decidedly in favour of the Cons, whose appearance and manner
+was more confident than usual; while, on the contrary, the Rads seemed
+desponding and shy. On tossing up, the Whigs succeeded in getting first
+innings, and the Tories dispersed themselves about the field in high glee,
+flattering themselves that they would not be _out_ long.
+
+Wellington, on producing the ball--a genuine _Duke_--excited general
+admiration by his position. Ripon officiated as bowler at the other
+wicket. Sibthorp acted as long-stop, and the rest found appropriate
+situations. Lefevre was chosen umpire by mutual consent.
+
+Spencer and Clanricarde went in first. Spencer, incautiously trying to
+score too many notches for one of his hits, was stumped out by Ripon, and
+Melbourne succeeded him. Great expectations had been formed of this player
+by his own party, but he was utterly unable to withstand Wellington's
+rapid bowling, which soon sent him to the right-about. Clanricarde was
+likewise run out without scoring a notch.
+
+Lansdowne and Brougham were now partners at the wickets; but Lansdowne did
+not appear to like his mate, on whose play it is impossible to calculate.
+Coventry, _the short slip_, excited much merriment, by a futile attempt to
+catch this player out, which terminated in his finding himself horizontal
+and mortified. Wellington, having bowled out Lansdowne, resigned his ball
+to Peel, who took his place at the wicket with a smile of confidence,
+which frightened the bat out of the hands of Phillips, the next Rad.
+
+Dundas and Labouchere were now the batmen. Labouchere is a very
+intemperate player. One of Sandon's slow balls struck his thumb, and put
+him out of temper, whereupon he hit about at random, and knocked down his
+wicket. Wakley took his bat, but apparently not liking his position, he
+hit up and caught himself out.
+
+O'Connell took his place with a lounging swagger, but his first ball was
+caught by the immortal Sibthorp, who uttered more puns on the occasion
+than the oldest man present recollected to have heard perpetrated in any
+given time. Russell--who, by the bye, excavated several quarts of 'heavy'
+during his innings--was the last man the Rads had to put in. He played
+with care, and appeared disposed to keep hold of the bat as long as
+possible. He was, however, quietly disposed of by one of Peel's inexorable
+balls.
+
+Thus far the game has proceeded. The Cons have yet to _go in_. The general
+opinion is, that they will not remain in so long as the Rads, but that
+they will score their notches much quicker. Indeed, it was commonly
+remarked, that no players had ever remained in so long, and had done so
+little good withal, as the Reformites.
+
+Betting is at 100 to 5 in favour of the Carlton men, and anxiety is on
+tip-toe to know the result of the next innings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The Tories are exulting in their recent victory over the poor Whigs, whom
+they affirm have been _tried_, and found wanting. A _trial_, indeed, where
+all the jurors were witnesses for the prosecution. One thing is certain,
+that the country, as usual, will have to pay the costs, for a Tory verdict
+will be certain to carry them. The Whigs should prepare a motion for a new
+trial, on the plea that the late decision was that of
+
+[Illustration: A PACKED JURY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DECIDEDLY UNPLEASANT.
+
+"Kiss the broad moon."--MARTINUZZI.
+
+  Go kiss the moon!--that's more, sirs, than I can dare;
+  'Tis worse than madness--hasn't she her man there?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.
+
+The _Morning Advertiser_ has a paragraph containing a report of an
+extraordinary indisposition under which a private of the Royal Guards is
+now suffering. It appears he lately received a violent kick from a horse,
+on the back of his head: since which time his hair has become so
+sensitive, that he cannot bear any one to approach him or touch it. On
+some portion being cut off by stratagem, he evinced the utmost disgust,
+accompanied with a volley of oaths. This may be wonderful in French hair,
+but it is nothing to the present sufferings of the Whigs in England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BARTHOLOMEW FAIR SHOW-FOLKS.
+
+Punch having been chosen by the unanimous voice of the public--the
+_arbiter elegantiarum_ in all matters relating to science, literature, and
+the fine arts--and from his long professional experience, being the only
+person in England competent to regulate the public amusements of the
+people, the Lord Mayor of London has confided to him the delicate and
+important duty of deciding upon the claims of the several individuals
+applying for licenses to open show-booths during the approaching
+Bartholomew Fair. Punch, having called to his assistance Sir Peter Laurie
+and Peter Borthwick, proceeded, on last Saturday, to hold his inquisition
+in a highly-respectable court in the neighbourhood of West Smithfield.
+
+The first application was made on behalf of _Richardson's Booth_, by two
+individuals named Melbourne and Russell.
+
+PUNCH.--On what grounds do you claim?
+
+MEL.--On those of long occupancy and respectability, my lord.
+
+RUSS.--We employs none but the werry best of actors, my lud--all "bould
+speakers," as my late wenerated manager, Muster Richardson, used to call
+'em.
+
+MEL.--We have the best scenery and decorations, the most popular
+performances--
+
+RUSS.--Hem! (_aside to_ MEL.)--Best say nothing about our performances,
+Mel.
+
+PUNCH.--Pray what situations do you respectively hold in the booth?
+
+MEL.--_I_ am principal manager, and do the heavy tragedy business. My
+friend, here, is the stage-manager and low comedy buffer, who takes the
+kicks, and blows the trumpet of the establishment.
+
+PUNCH.--What is the nature of the entertainments you have been in the
+habit of producing?
+
+RUSS.--Oh! the real legitimate drammar--"A New Way to Pay Old Debts,"
+"Raising the Wind," "A Gentleman in Difficulties," "Where shall I dine?"
+and "Honest Thieves." We mean to commence the present season with "All in
+the wrong," and "His Last Legs."
+
+PUNCH.--Humph! I am sorry to say I have received several complaints of the
+manner in which you have conducted the business of your establishment for
+several years. It appears you put forth bills promising wonders, while
+your performances have been of the lowest possible description.
+
+RUSS.--S'elp me, Bob! there ain't a word of truth in it. If there's
+anything we takes pride on, 'tis our gentility.
+
+PUNCH.--You have degraded the drama by the introduction of card-shufflers
+and thimble-rig impostors.
+
+RUSS.--We denies the thimble-rigging in totum, my lud; that was brought
+out at Stanley's opposition booth.
+
+PUNCH.--At least you were a promoter of state conjuring and legerdemain
+tricks on the stage.
+
+RUSS.--Only a little hanky-panky, my lud. The people likes it; they loves
+to be cheated before their faces. One, two, three--presto--begone. I'll
+show your ludship as pretty a trick of putting a piece of money in your
+eye and taking it out of your elbow, as you ever beheld. _Has_ your
+ludship got such a thing as a good shilling about you? 'Pon my honour,
+I'll return it.
+
+PUNCH.--Be more respectful, sir, and reply to my questions. It appears
+further, that several respectable persons have lost their honesty in your
+booth.
+
+RUSS.--Very little of that 'ere commodity is ever brought into it, my lud.
+
+PUNCH.--And, in short, that you and your colleagues' hands have been
+frequently found in the pockets of your audience.
+
+RUSS.--Only in a professional way, my lud--strictly professional.
+
+PUNCH.--But the most serious charge of all is that, on a recent occasion,
+when the audience hissed your performances, you put out the lights, let in
+the swell-mob, and raised a cry of "No Corn Laws."
+
+RUSS.--Why, my lud, on that p'int I admit there was a slight row.
+
+PUNCH.--Enough, sir. The court considers you have grossly misconducted
+yourself, and refuses to grant you license to perform.
+
+MEL.--But, my lord, I protest _I did_ nothing.
+
+PUNCH.--So everybody says, sir. You are therefore unfit to have the
+management of (next to my own) the greatest theatre in the world. You may
+retire.
+
+MEL. (_to_ RUSS.)--Oh! Johnny, this is your work--with your confounded
+hanky-panky.
+
+RUSS.--No--'twas you that did it; we have been ruined by your laziness.
+What _is_ to become of us now?
+
+MEL.--Alas! where shall we dine?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The next individual who presented himself, to obtain a license for the
+Carlton Club Equestrian Troop, was a strange-loooking character, who gave
+his name as Sibthorp.
+
+PUNCH.--What are you, sir?
+
+SIB.--Clown to the ring, my lord, and principal performer on the Salt-box.
+I provide my own paint and pipe-clay, make my own jokes, and laugh at them
+too. I do the ground and lofty tumbling, and ride the wonderful
+donkey--all for the small sum of fifteen bob a-week.
+
+PUNCH.--You have been represented as a very noisy and turbulent fellow.
+
+SIB.--Meek as a lamb, my lord, except when I'm on the saw-dust; there I
+acknowledge, I do crow pretty loudly--but that's in the way of
+business,--and your lordship knows that we public jokers must pitch it
+strong sometimes to make our audience laugh, and bring the _browns_ into
+the treasury. After all, my lord, I am not the rogue many people take me
+for,--more the other way, I can assure you, and
+
+  "Though to my share some human errors fall,
+  Look in my face, and you'll forget them all."
+
+PUNCH.--A strong appeal, I must confess. You shall have your license.
+
+The successful claimant having made his best bow to Commissioner Punch,
+withdrew, whistling the national air of
+
+[Illustration: "BRITONS, STRIKE HOME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A fellow named Peel, who has been for many years in the habit of
+exhibiting as a quack-doctor, next applied for liberty to vend his
+nostrums at the fair. On being questioned as to his qualifications, he
+shook his head gravely, and, without uttering a word, placed the following
+card in the hands of Punch.
+
+
+TO THE GULLIBLE PUBLIC.
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.D. and L.S.D.
+
+Professor of Political Chemistry and Conservative Medicine to the
+
+CARLTON CLUB;
+
+PHYSICIAN IN ORDINARY TO THE KING OF HANOVER!!!
+
+Inventor of the People's Patent Sliding Stomach-pump;--of the Poor Man's
+anti-Breakfast and Dinner Waist-belt;--and of the new Royal extract of
+Toryism, as prescribed for, and lately swallowed by,
+
+THE MOST ILLUSTRIOUS PERSONAGE IN THESE DOMINIONS.
+
+Sir Rhubarb begs further to state, that he practises national
+tooth-drawing and bleeding to an unlimited extent; and undertakes to cure
+the consumption of bread without the use of
+
+A FIXED PLASTER.
+
+N.B.--No connexion with the corn doctor who recently vacated the concern
+now occupied by Sir R.P.
+
+Hours of attendance, from ten till four each day, at his establishment,
+Downing-street.--A private entrance for M.P.'s round the corner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ben D'Israeli, the proprietor of the Learned Pig, applied for permission
+to exhibit his animal at the fair. A license was unhesitatingly granted by
+his lordship, who rightly considered that the exhibition of the
+extraordinary talents of the pig and its master, would do much to promote
+a taste for polite literature amongst the Smithneld "pennyboys."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A poor old man, who called himself Sir Francis Burdett, applied for a
+license to exhibit his wonderful Dissolving Views. The most remarkable of
+which were--"The Hustings in Covent-garden--changing to Rous's dinner in
+Drury-lane"--and "The Patriot in the Tower--changing to the Renegade in
+the Carlton." It appeared that the applicant was, at one time, in a
+respectable business, and kept "The Old Glory," a favourite public-house
+in Westminster, but, falling into bad company, he lost his custom and his
+character, and was reduced to his present miserable occupation. Punch, in
+pity for the wretched petitioner, and fully convinced that his childish
+tricks were perfectly harmless, granted him a license to exhibit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Licenses were also granted to the following persons in the course of the
+day:--
+
+Sir E.L. Bulwer, to exhibit his own portrait, in the character of
+Alcibiades, painted by himself.
+
+Doctor Bowring, to exhibit six Tartarian chiefs, caught in the vicinity of
+the Seven Dials, with songs, translated from the original Irish Calmuc, by
+the Doctor.
+
+Emerson Tennent, to exhibit his wonderful Cosmorama, or views of anywhere
+and everywhere; in which the striking features of Ireland, Greece,
+Belgium, and Whitechapel will be so happily confounded, that the spectator
+may imagine he beholds any or all of these places at a single glance.
+
+Messrs. Stephens, Heraud, and Co., to exhibit, gratis, a Syncretic
+Tragedy, with fireworks and tumbling, according to law, between the acts;
+to be followed by a lecture on the Unactable Drama.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CAPITAL ILLUSTRATION.
+
+At the recent _fracas_ in Pall Mall, between Captain Fitzroy and Mr.
+Shepherd, the latter, like his predecessor of old, the "Gentle Shepherd,"
+performed sundry vague evolutions with a silver-mounted cane, and
+requested Captain Fitzroy to consider himself horsewhipped. Not
+entertaining quite so high an opinion of his adversary's imaginative
+powers, the Captain floored the said descendant of gentleness, thereby
+ably illustrating the precise difference of the "_real and ideal_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+SHOWS HOW AGAMEMNON BECAME DISGUSTED WITH NUMBER ONE, AND THE AWFUL
+CONSEQUENCES WHICH SUCCEEDED.
+
+[Illustration: P]Poor old John's alarm was succeeded by astonishment, for
+without speaking a word, Agamemnon bounced into his bed-chamber. He
+thought the room the most miserable-looking room he had ever entered,
+though the floor was covered with a thick Turkey carpet, a bright fire was
+blazing in the grate, and everything about seemed fashioned for comfort.
+He threw himself into an easy chair, and kicking off one of his pumps,
+crossed his legs, and rested his elbow on the table. He looked at his
+bed--it was a French one--a mountain of feathers, covered with a thick,
+white Marseilles quilt, and festooned over with a drapery of rich crimson
+damask.
+
+"I'll have a four-post to-morrow," growled Collumpsion; "French beds are
+mean-looking things, after all. Stuffwell has the fellow-chair to
+this--one chair does look strange! I wonder it has never struck me before;
+but it is surprising--what--strange ide--as a man--has"--and Collumpsion
+fell asleep.
+
+It was broad day when Collumpsion awoke; the fire had gone out, and his
+feet were as cold as ice. He (as he is married there's no necessity for
+concealment)--he swore two or three naughty oaths, and taking off his
+clothes, hurried into bed in the hope of getting warm.
+
+"How confoundedly cold I am--sitting in that chair all night,
+too--ridiculous. If I had had a--I mean, if I hadn't been alone, that
+wouldn't have happened; she would have waked me." _She_--what the deuce
+made him use the feminine pronoun!
+
+At two o'clock he rose and entered his breakfast-room. The table was laid
+as usual--_one_ large cup and saucer, _one_ plate, _one_ egg-cup, _one_
+knife, and _one_ fork! He did not know wherefore, but he felt to want the
+number increased. John brought up a slice of broiled salmon and _one_ egg.
+Collumpsion got into a passion, and ordered a second edition. The morning
+was rainy, so Collumpsion remained at home, and employed himself by
+kicking about the ottoman, and mentally multiplying all the single
+articles in his establishment by two.
+
+The dinner hour arrived, and there was the same singular provision for
+one. He rang the bell, and ordered John to furnish the table for
+_another_. John obeyed, though not without some strong misgiving of his
+master's sanity, as the edibles consisted of a sole, a mutton chop, and a
+partridge. When John left the room at his master's request, Collumpsion
+rose and locked the door. Having placed a chair opposite, he resumed his
+seat, and commenced a series of pantomimic gestures, which were strongly
+confirmatory of John's suspicions. He seemed to be holding an inaudible
+conversation with some invisible being, placing the choicest portion of
+the sole in a plate, and seemingly desiring John to deliver it to the
+unknown. As John was not there, he placed it before himself, and commenced
+daintily and smilingly picking up very minute particles, as though he were
+too much delighted to eat. He then bowed and smiled, and extending his
+arm, appeared to fill the opposite glass, and having _actually_ performed
+the same operation with his own, he bowed and smiled again, and sipped the
+brilliant Xeres. He then rang the bell violently, and unlocking the door,
+rushed rapidly back to his chair, as though he were fearful of committing
+a rudeness by leaving it. The table being replenished, and John again
+dismissed the room, the same pantomime commenced. The one mutton chop
+seemed at first to present an obstacle to the proper conduct of the scene;
+but gracefully uncovering the partridge, and as gracefully smiling towards
+the invisible, he appeared strongly to recommend the bird in preference to
+the beast. Dinner at length concluded, he rose, and apparently led his
+phantom guest from the table, and then returning to his arm-chair, threw
+himself into it, and, crossing his hands upon his breast, commenced a
+careful examination of the cinders and himself. His rumination ended in a
+doze, and his doze in a dream, in which he fancied himself a Brobdignag
+Java sparrow during the moulting season. His cage was surrounded by
+beautiful and blooming girls, who seemed to pity his condition, and vie
+with each other in proposing the means of rendering him more comfortable.
+Some spoke of elastic cotton shirts, linsey-wolsey jackets, and silk
+nightcaps; others of merino hose, silk feet and cotton tops, shirt-buttons
+and warming-pans; whilst Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs. Waddledot sang an echo
+duet of "What a pity the bird is alone."
+
+  "A change came o'er the spirit of his dream."
+
+He thought that the moulting season was over, and that he was rejoicing in
+the fulness of a sleeky plumage, and by his side was a Java sparrowess,
+chirping and hopping about, rendering the cage as populous to him as
+though he were the tenant of a bird-fancier's shop. Then--he awoke just as
+Old John was finishing a glass of Madeira, preparatory to arousing
+Collumpsion, for the purpose of delivering to him a scented note, which
+had just been left by the footman of Mrs. Waddledot.
+
+It was lucky for John that A.C.A. had been blessed with pleasant dreams,
+or his attachment to Madeira might have occasioned his discharge from No.
+24, Pleasant-terrace.
+
+The note was an invitation to Mrs. Waddledot's opera-box for that evening.
+The performance was to be Rossini's "La Cenerentola," and as Collumpsion
+recollected the subject of the opera, his heart fluttered in his bosom. A
+prince marrying a cinder-sifter for love! What must the happy state be--or
+rather what must it not be--to provoke such a condescension!
+
+Collumpsion never appeared to such advantage as he did that evening; he
+was dressed to a miracle of perfection--his spirits were so elastic that
+they must have carried him out of the box into "Fop's-alley," had not Mrs.
+Waddledot cleverly surrounded him by the detachment from the corps of
+eighteen daughters, which had (on that night) been placed under her
+command.
+
+Collumpsion's state of mind did not escape the notice of the fair
+campaigners, and the most favourable deductions were drawn from it in
+relation to the charitable combination which they had formed for his
+ultimate good, and all seemed determined to afford him every encouragement
+in their power. Every witticism that he uttered elicited countless
+smiles--every criticism that he delivered was universally applauded--in
+short, Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was voted the most delightful beau
+in the universe, and Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite gave himself a
+plumper to the same opinion.
+
+On the 31st of the following month, a string of carriages surrounded St.
+George's Church, Hanover-square, and precisely at a quarter to twelve,
+A.M., Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite placed a plain gold ring on the
+finger of Miss Juliana Theresa Waddledot, being a necessary preliminary to
+the introduction of our hero, the "Heir of Applebite."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM.
+
+  "I wonder if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
+  Said a punster perusing a trial:
+  "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
+  He's been _Vaux et praeterea nihil!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TWO FATAL CHIROPEDISTS.
+
+Our great ancestor, Joe Miller, has recorded, in his "Booke of Jestes," an
+epitaph written upon an amateur corn-cutter, named Roger Horton, who,
+
+  "Trying one day his corn to mow off,
+  The razor slipp'd, and cut his toe off."
+
+The painful similarity of his fate with that of another corn
+experimentalist, has given rise to the following:--
+
+EPITAPH ON LORD JOHN RUSSELL, WHO EXPIRED POLITICALLY, AFTER A LINGERING
+ILLNESS, ON MONDAY EVENING, AUGUST 30, 1841.
+
+          In Minto quies.
+
+  Beneath this stone lies Johnny Russell,
+  Who for his place had many a tussel.
+  Trying one day _the corn_ to cut down,
+  The motion fail'd, and he was _put_ down.
+  The benches which he nearly grew to,
+  The Opposition quickly flew to;
+  The fact it was so mortifying,
+  That little Johnny took to dying.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHALL GREAT OLYMPUS TO A MOLEHILL STOOP?
+
+Some difficulty has arisen as to the production of Knowles's new play at
+the Haymarket Theatre. Mr. Charles Kean and Miss Helen Faucit having
+objected to hear the play read, "_because their respective parts had not
+been previously submitted to them._"--_Sunday Times_.--[We are of opinion
+that they were decidedly right. One might as well expect a child to spell
+without learning the alphabet, as either of the above persons to
+understand Knowles, unless enlightened by a long course of previous
+instruction.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.
+
+    [From a MS. drama called the "COURT OF VICTORIA."
+
+_Scene in Windsor Castle._
+
+[_Her Majesty discovered sitting thoughtfully at an escrutoire._--
+
+_Enter the_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN.]
+
+LORD CHAMBERLAIN.--May it please your Majesty, a letter from the Duke of
+Wellington.
+
+THE QUEEN (_opens the letter_.)--Oh! a person for the vacant place of
+Premier--show the bearer in, my lord. [_Exit_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN.
+
+THE QUEEN (_muses_).--Sir Robert Peel--I have heard that name before, as
+connected with my family. If I remember rightly, he held the situation of
+adviser to the crown in the reign of Uncle William, and was discharged for
+exacting a large discount on all the state receipts; yet Wellington is
+very much interested in his favour.
+
+_Enter the_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN, _who ushers in_ SIR ROBERT, _and then
+retires. As he is going_--]
+
+LORD CHAMBERLAIN (_aside_).--If you do get the berth, Sir Robert, I hope
+you'll not give me warning.          [_Exit_.
+
+SIR ROBERT (_looking demurely_).--Hem!
+
+[_The Queen regards him very attentively._]
+
+THE QUEEN (_aside_).--I don't much like the looks of the fellow--that
+affectation of simplicity is evidently intended to conceal the real
+cunning of his character. (_Aloud_). You are of course aware of the nature
+and the duties of the situation which you solicit?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Oh, yes, your Majesty; I have filled it before, and liked it
+very much.
+
+THE QUEEN.--It's a most responsible post, for upon your conduct much of
+the happiness of my other servants depends.
+
+SIR ROBERT.--I am aware of that, your Majesty; but as no one can hope to
+please everybody, I will only answer that _one half_ shall be perfectly
+satisfied.
+
+THE QUEEN.--You have recently returned from Tamworth?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Yes, your Majesty.
+
+THE QUEEN.--We will dispense with forms. At Tamworth, you have been
+practising as a quack doctor?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Yes, madam; I was brought up to doctoring, and am a professor
+of sleight-of-hand.
+
+THE QUEEN.--What have you done in the latter art to entitle you to such a
+distinction?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--I have performed some very wonderful changes. When I was out
+of place, I had opinions strongly opposed to Catholic emancipation; but
+when I got into service I changed them in the course of a few days.
+
+THE QUEEN.--I have heard that you boast of possessing a nostrum for the
+restoration of the public good. What is it?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Am I to consider myself "as regularly called in?"
+
+THE QUEEN.--That is a question I decline answering at present.
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Then I regret that I must also remain silent.
+
+THE QUEEN (_aside_).--The wily fox! (_aloud_)--Are you aware that great
+distress exists in the country?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Oh, yes! I have heard that there are several families who
+keep no man-servant, and that numerous clerks, weavers, and other
+artisans, occupy second-floors.
+
+THE QUEEN.--I have heard that the people are wanting bread.
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Ha, ha! that was from the late premier, I suppose. He merely
+forgot an adjective--it is _cheap_ bread that the people are clamouring
+for.
+
+THE QUEEN.--And why can they not have it?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--I have consulted with the Duke of Richmond upon the subject,
+and he says it is impossible.
+
+THE QUEEN.--But why?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Wheat must be lower before bread can be cheaper.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Well!
+
+SIR ROBERT.--And rents must be less if that is the case, and--
+
+THE QUEEN.--Well!
+
+SIR ROBERT.--And that the landowners won't agree to.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Well!
+
+SIR ROBERT.--And, then, I can't keep my place a day.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Then the majority of my subjects are to be rendered miserable
+for the advantage of the few?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--That's the principle of all good governments. Besides, cheap
+bread would be no benefit to the masses, for wages would be lower.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Do you really believe such _would_ be the case?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Am I regularly called in?
+
+THE QUEEN.--You evade a direct answer, I see. Granting such to be _your
+belief_, your friends and landowners would suffer no injury, for their
+incomes would procure them as many luxuries.
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Not if they were to live abroad, or patronise foreign
+manufactures: and _should_ wages be higher, what would they say to me
+after all the money they have expended in bri--I mean at the Carlton Club,
+if I allow the value of their "dirty acres" to be reduced.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Pray, what do you call such views?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Patriotism.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Charity would be a better term, as that is said to begin at
+home. How long were you in your last place?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Not half so long as I wished--for the sake of the country.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Why did you leave?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Somebody said I was saucy--and somebody else said I was not
+honest--and somebody else said I had better go.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Who was the latter somebody?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--My master.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Your exposure of my late premier's faults, and your present
+application for his situation, result from disinterestedness, of course?
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Of course, madam.
+
+THE QUEEN.--Then salary is not so much an object as a comfortable
+situation.
+
+SIR ROBERT.--I beg pardon; but I've been out of place ten years, and have
+a small family to support. _Wages_ is, therefore, some sort of a
+consideration.
+
+THE QUEEN.--I don't quite like you.
+
+SIR ROBERT (_glancing knowingly at the Queen_).--I don't think there is
+any one that _you can_ have better.
+
+THE QUEEN.--I'm afraid not.
+
+SIR ROBERT.--Then, am I regularly called in?
+
+THE QUEEN.--Yes, you can take your boxes to Downing-street.
+
+[_Exeunt ambo_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PARLIAMENTARY INTENTIONS.
+
+Mr. Muntz, we understand, intends calling the attention of Parliament, at
+the earliest possible period, to the state of the crops.
+
+Lord Palmerston intends proposing, that a looking-glass for the use of
+members should be placed in the ante-room of the House, and that it shall
+be called the New Mirror of Parliament.
+
+Mr. T. Duncombe intends moving that the plans of Sir Robert Peel be
+immediately submitted to the photographic process, in order that some
+light may be thrown upon them as soon as possible.
+
+The Earl of Coventry intends suggesting, that every member of both Houses
+be immediately supplied with a copy of the work called "Ten Minutes'
+Advice on Corns," in order to prepare Parliament for a full description of
+the Corn Laws.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EXTRA FASHIONABLE NEWS.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp has expressed his intention of becoming the blue-faced
+monkey at the Zoological Gardens with his _countenance_, on next
+Wednesday.
+
+Lord Melbourne has received visits of condolence on his retirement from
+office, from Aldgate pump--Canning's statue in Palace-yard--the Three
+Kings of Brentford--and the Belle Sauvage, Ludgate-hill.
+
+Her Royal Highness the Princess, her two nurses, and a pap-spoon, took an
+airing twice round the great hall of the palace, at one o'clock yesterday.
+
+The Burlington Arcade will be thrown open to visitors to-morrow morning.
+Gentlemen intending to appear there, are requested to come with
+tooth-picks and full-dress walking-canes.
+
+Sir Francis Burdett's top-boots were seen, on last Saturday, walking into
+Sir Robert Peel's house, accompanied by the legs of that venerable turner.
+
+His Grace the Duke of Wellington inspected all the passengers in Pall
+Mall, from the steps of the United Service Club-house, and expressed
+himself highly pleased with the celerity of the 'busses and cabs, and the
+effective state of the pedestrians generally.
+
+His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex has, in the most unequivocal manner,
+expressed his opinion on the state of the weather--which he pronounces to
+be hot! hot! all hot!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SINGULAR INADVERTENCE.
+
+A good deal of merriment was caused in the House of Commons, by Mr. Bernal
+and Commodore Napier addressing the members as "gentlemen." This may be
+excusable in young members, but the oldest parliamentary reporter has no
+recollection of the term being used by any one who had sat a session in
+the House. "Too much familiarity," &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. VIII.
+
+[Illustration: THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MINISTRY'S ODE TO THE PASSIONS.
+
+NOT BY COLLINS.
+
+  When the Whig Ministry had run,
+  Nor left behind a mother's son,
+  The Tories, at their leader's call,
+  Came thronging round him, one and all,
+  Exulting, braying, cringing, coaxing,
+  Expert at humbugging and hoaxing;
+  By turns they felt an _honest_ zeal
+  For private good and public weal;
+  Till all at once they raised such yells,
+  As rung in Apsley House the bells:
+  And as they sought snug berths to get
+  In Bobby Peel's new cabinet,
+  Each, for interest ruled the hour,
+  Would prove his taste for place and power.
+
+  First Follett's hand, his skill to try,
+    Upon the _seals_ bewilder'd laid;
+  But back recoil'd--he scarce knew why--
+    Of Lyndhurst's angry scowl afraid.
+
+  Next Stanley rush'd with frenzied air;
+    His eager haste brook'd no delay:
+  He rudely seized the _Foreign_ chair,
+    And bade poor Cupid trudge away.
+
+  With woeful visage Melbourne sate--
+    A pint of double X his grief beguiled;
+  And inly pondering o'er his fate,
+    He bade th' attendant pot-boy "draw it mild."
+
+  But thou, Sir Jamie Graham--prig;
+    What was thy delighted musing?
+  Now accepting, now refusing,
+  Till on the Admiralty pitch'd,
+    Still would that thought his speech prolong;
+  To gain the place for which he long had itch'd,
+    He call'd on Bobby still through all the song;
+  But ever as his sweetest theme he chose,
+  A sovereign's golden chink was heard at every close,
+  And Pollock grimly smiled, and shook his powder'd wig.
+
+  And longer had he droned--but, with a frown
+          Brougham impatient rose;
+  He threw the bench of snoring bishops down,
+          And, with a withering look,
+          The Whig-denouncing trumpet took,
+  And made a speech so fierce and true,
+  Thrashing, with might and main, both friend and foe;
+          And ever and anon he beat,
+          With doubled fist his cushion'd seat;
+  And though sometimes, each breathless pause between,
+          Astonished Melbourne at his side,
+          His moderating voice applied,
+  Yet still he kept his stern, unalter'd mien,
+  While battering the Whigs and Tories black and blue.
+
+  Thy ravings, Goulburn, to no theme were fix'd.
+    Not ev'n thy virtue is without its spots;
+  With piety thy politics were mix'd,
+    And now they courted Peel, now call'd on Doctor Watts.
+
+  With drooping jaw, like one half-screw'd,
+  Lord Johnny sate in doleful mood,
+  And for his Secretarial seat,
+  Sent forth his howlings sad, but sweet
+  Lost Normanby pour'd forth his sad adieu;
+          While Palmerston, with graceful air,
+          Wildly toss'd his scented hair;
+  And pensive Morpeth join'd the sniv'lling crew.
+    Yet still they lingered round with fond delay,
+          Humming, hawing, stopping, musing,
+          Tory rascals all abusing,
+    Till forced to move away.
+
+  But, oh! how alter'd was the whining tone
+    When, loud-tongued Lyndhurst, that unblushing wight,
+  His gown across his shoulders flung,
+    His wig with virgin-powder white,
+  Made an ear-splitting speech that down to Windsor rung,
+  The Tories' call, that Billy Holmes well knew,
+  The turn-coat Downshire and his Orange crew;
+  Wicklow and Howard both were seen
+  Brushing away the wee bit green;
+  Mad Londonderry laugh'd to hear,
+  And Inglis scream'd and shook his ass's ear
+
+  Last Bobby Peel, with hypocritic air,
+    He with modest look came sneaking:
+  First to "_the Home_" his easy vows addrest,--
+    But soon he saw the _Treasury's_ red chair,
+  Whose soft inviting seat he loved the best.
+  They would have thought, who heard his words,
+  They saw in Britain's cause a patriot stand,
+  The proud defender of his land,
+  To aw'd and list'ning senates speaking;--
+
+  But as his fingers touch'd the purse's strings,
+    The chinking metal made a magic sound,
+    While hungry placemen gather'd fast around:
+    And he, as if by chance or play,
+    Or that he would their venal votes repay,
+  The golden treasures round upon them flings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR ROBERT PEEL AND THE QUEEN.
+
+
+Upon the first interview of the Queen with Sir Robert Peel, her Majesty
+was determined to answer only in monosyllables to all he said; and, in
+fact, to make her replies _an echo_, and nothing more, to whatever he said
+to her. The following dialogue, which we have thrown into verse for the
+purpose of smoothing it--the tone of it, as spoken, having been on one
+side, at least, rather rough--ensued between the illustrious persons
+alluded to.
+
+    HE.--Before we into minor details go,
+         Do I possess your confidence or no?
+
+                                        SHE.--_No._
+
+    HE.--You shall not vex me, though your treatment's rough;
+         No, madam, I am made of sterner stuff.
+
+                                        SHE.--_Stuff._
+
+    HE.--Really, if thus your minister you flout,
+         A single syllable he can't get out.
+
+                                        SHE.--_Get out!_
+
+    HE.--But try me, madam; time indeed will show
+         Unto what lengths to serve you I would go.
+
+                                        SHE.--_Go._
+
+    HE.--We both have power,--'tis doubtful which is greater;
+         These crooked words had better be made straighter.
+
+                                        SHE.--_Traighter (Traitor.)_
+
+    HE.--Farewell! and never in this friendly strain
+         (My proffer'd aid foregone) I breathe again!
+
+                                        SHE.--_Gone. I breathe again!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--NO. 2.
+
+  I cannot rove with thee, where zephyrs float--
+    Sweet sylvan scenes devoted to the loves!--
+  For, oh! I have not got one decent coat,
+    Nor can I sport a single pair of gloves.
+
+  Gladly I'd wander o'er the verdant lawn,
+    Where graze contentedly the fleecy flock;
+  But can I show myself in gills so torn,
+    Or brave the public gaze in such a stock?
+
+  I know _thou_'lt answer me that love is blind,
+    And faults in one it worships can't perceive;
+  It must be sightless, truly, not to find
+    The hole that's gaping in my threadbare sleeve.
+
+  Farewell, my love--for, oh! by heaven, we part,
+    And though it cost me all the pangs of hell.
+  The herd shall not on thee inflict a smart,
+    By calling after us--"There goes a swell!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PRIVATE BOX.
+
+During the clear-out on Wednesday last in Downing-street, a small chest,
+strongly secured, was found among some models of balloting-boxes. It had
+evidently been forgotten for some years, and upon opening it, was found to
+contain the Whig promises of 1832. They were immediately conveyed to Lord
+Melbourne, who appeared much astonished at these resuscitation of the
+
+[Illustration: HOME OFFICE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LOST MEDICAL PAPERS OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION.
+
+"It is somewhat remarkable," observe the journals of the past week, "that
+the medical division of this scientific meeting has not contributed one
+single paper this year in furtherance of its object, although the
+communications from that section have usually been of a highly important
+character."
+
+The journals may think it somewhat remarkable--we do not at all; for here,
+as in every other event of the day, a great deal depends upon being
+"behind the curtain;" and as the greater portion of our life is passed in
+that locality, we are always to be relied upon for authenticity in our
+statements. The plain truth is, that the papers were inadvertently lost,
+and rather than lead to some unpleasant disclosures, in which the eminent
+professor to whom they were entrusted would have been deeply implicated,
+it was thought best to say nothing about them. By chance they fell into
+the hands of the manager of one of our perambulating theatres, who was
+toiling his way from the west of England to Egham races, and having
+deposited them in his portable green-room, under the especial custody of
+the clown, the doctor, and the overbearing parochial authority, he duly
+remitted them to our office. We have been too happy in giving them a place
+in our columns, feeling an honest pride in thus taking the lead of the
+chief scientific publications of the day. It will be seen that they are
+drawn up as a report, all ready for publication, according to the usual
+custom of such proceedings, where every one knows beforehand what they are
+to dispute or agree with.
+
+Dr. Splitnerve communicated a remarkable case of Animal Magnetism:--Eugene
+Doldrum, aged 21, a young man of bilious and interesting temperament,
+having been mesmerized, was rendered so keenly magnetic, as to give rise
+to a most remarkable train of phenomena. On being seated upon a
+music-stool, he immediately becomes an animated compass, and turns round
+to the north. Knives and forks at dinner invariably fly towards him, and
+he is not able to go through any of the squares, in consequence of being
+attracted firmly to the iron railings. As most of the experiments took
+place at the North London Hospital, Euston-square was his chief point of
+attraction, and when he was removed, it was always found necessary to
+break off the railings and take them away with him. This accounted for the
+decrepit condition of the _fleur de lys_ that surround the inclosure,
+which was not, as generally supposed, the work of the university pupils
+residing in Gower-place. Perfect insensibility to pain supervened at the
+same time, and his friends took advantage of this circumstance to send
+him, by way of delicate compliment, to a lying-in lady, in the style of a
+pedestrian pin-cushion, his cheeks being stuck full of minikin pins, on
+the right side, forming the words "Health to the Babe," and on the left,
+"Happiness to the Mother."
+
+Dr. Mortar read a talented paper on the cure of strabismus, or squinting,
+by dividing the muscles of the eye. The patient, a working man, squinted
+so terribly, that his eyes almost got into one another's sockets; and at
+times he was only able to see by looking down the inside of his nose and
+out at the nostrils. The operation was performed six weeks ago, when, on
+cutting through the muscles, its effects were instantly visible: both the
+eyes immediately diverging to the extreme outer angles of their respective
+orbits.
+
+Dr. Sharpeye inquired if the man did not find the present state of his
+vision still very perplexing.
+
+Dr. Mortar replied, that so far from injuring his sight, it had proved
+highly beneficial, as the patient had procured a very excellent situation
+in the new police, and received a double salary, from the power he
+possessed of keeping an eye upon both sides of the road at the same time.
+
+[Illustration: WILL YOU LOOK THIS WAY, IF YOU PLEASE?]
+
+An elaborate and highly scientific treatise was then read by Dr. Sexton,
+upon a disease which had been very prevalent in town during the spring,
+and had been usually termed the influenza. He defined it as a disease of
+convenience, depending upon various exciting causes acting upon the mind.
+For instance:--
+
+Mrs. A----, a lady residing in Belgrave-square, was on the eve of giving a
+large party, when, upon hearing that Mr. A---- had made an unlucky
+speculation in the funds, the whole family were seized with influenza so
+violently, that they were compelled to postpone the reunion, and live upon
+the provided supper for a fortnight afterwards.
+
+Miss B---- was a singer at one of our large theatres, and had a part
+assigned to her in a new opera. Not liking it, she worried herself into an
+access of influenza, which unluckily seized her the first night the opera
+was to have been played.
+
+But the most marked case was that of Mr. C----, a clerk in a city house of
+business, who was attacked and cured within three days. It appeared that
+he had been dining that afternoon with some friends, who were going to
+Greenwich fair the next day, and on arriving at home, was taken ill with
+influenza, so suddenly that he was obliged to despatch a note to that
+effect to his employer, stating also his fear that he should be unable to
+attend at his office on the morrow. Dr. Sexton said he was indebted for an
+account of the progress of his disease to a young medical gentleman,
+clinical clerk at a leading hospital, who lodged with the patient in
+Bartholomew-close. The report had been drawn up for the _Lancet_, but Dr.
+S. had procured it by great interest.
+
+    MAY 30, 1841, 11 P.M.--Present symptoms:--Complains of his
+    employer, and the bore of being obliged to be at the office next
+    morning. Has just eaten a piece of cold beef and pickles, with a
+    pint of stout. Pulse about 75, and considerable defluxion from the
+    nose, which he thinks produced by getting a piece of Cayenne pepper
+    in his eye. Swallowed a crumb, which brought on a violent fit of
+    coughing. Wishes to go to bed.
+
+    MAY 31, 9 A.M.--Has passed a tolerable night, but appears restless,
+    and unable to settle to anything. Thinks he could eat some broiled
+    ham if he had it; but not possessing any, has taken the following:
+
+      Rx--Infus. coffee   lbj
+          Sacchari        [symbol: dram]iij
+          Lactis Vaccae    [symbol: ounce]j
+        Ft. mistura, poculum mane sumendum.
+
+    A plaster ordered to be applied to the inside of the stomach,
+    consisting of potted bloater spread upon bread and butter.
+
+    Eleven, A.M.--Appears rather hotter since breakfast. Change of air
+    recommended, and Greenwich decided upon.
+
+    Half-past 11.--Complains of the draught and noise of the
+    second-class railway carriages, but is otherwise not worse. Thinks
+    he should like "a drain of half-and-half." Has blown his nose once
+    in the last quarter of an hour.
+
+    Two, P.M.--Since a light dinner of rump steaks and stout, a
+    considerable change has taken place. He appears labouring under
+    cerebral excitement and short pipes, and says he shall have a
+    regular beanish day, and go it similar to bricks. Calls the waiter
+    up to him in one of the booths, and has ordered "a glass of
+    cocktail with the chill off and a cinder in it."
+
+    Three, P.M.--Has sallied out into the fair, still much excited,
+    calling every female he meets "Susan," and pronouncing the s's with
+    a whistling accent. Expresses a desire to ride in the ships that go
+    round and round.
+
+    Half-past 3.--The motion of the ships has tended considerably to
+    relieve his stomach. Pulse slow and countenance pale, with a desire
+    for a glass of ale. Has entered a peepshow, and is now arguing with
+    the exhibitor upon the correctness of his view of the siege of "St.
+    Jane Daker!" which he maintains was a sea-port, and not a field
+    with a burning windmill, as represented in the view.
+
+    Eight, P.M.--After rambling vaguely about the fair all the
+    afternoon, he has decided upon taking a hot-air bath in Algar's
+    Crown and Anchor booth. Evidently delirious. Has put on a false
+    nose, and purchased a tear-coat rattle. Appears labouring under
+    violent spasmodic action of the muscles of his legs, as he dances
+    "Jim along Josey," when he sets to his partner in a country dance
+    of eighty couple.
+
+    Half-past 10, P.M.--Has just intimated that he does not see the use
+    of going home, as you can always go there when you can go nowhere
+    else. Is seated straddling across one of the tables, on which he is
+    beating time to the band with a hooky stick. Will not allow the
+    state of his pulse to be ascertained, but says we may feel his fist
+    if we like.
+
+    Eleven.--Considerable difficulty experienced in getting the patient
+    to the railroad, but we at last succeeded. After telling every one
+    in the carriage "that he wasn't afraid of any of them," he fell
+    into a deep stertorous sleep. On arriving at home, he got into bed
+    with his boots on, and passed a restless night, turning out twice
+    to drink water between one and four.
+
+    JUNE.--10, A.M.--Has just returned from his office, his employer
+    thinking him very unfit for work, and desiring him to lay up for a
+    day or two. Complains of being "jolly seedy," and thinks he shall
+    go to Greenwich again to get all right.
+
+A thrilling paper upon the "Philosophy of death," was then read by
+Professor Wynne Slow. After tracing the origin of that fatal attack, which
+it appears the earliest nations were subject to, the learned author showed
+profound research in bringing forward the various terms applied to the act
+of dying by popular authors. Amongst the principal, he enumerated "turning
+your toes up," "kicking the bucket," "putting up your spoon," "slipping
+your wind," "booking your place," "breaking your bellows," "shutting up
+your shop," and other phrases full of expression.
+
+The last moments of remarkable characters were especially dwelt upon, in
+connexion, more especially, with the drama, which gives us the best
+examples, from its holding a mirror up to nature. It appeared that at
+Astley's late amphitheatre, the dying men generally shuffled about a great
+deal in the sawdust, fighting on their knees, and showing great
+determination to the last, until life gave way; that at the Adelphi the
+expiring character more frequently saw imaginary demons waiting for him,
+and fell down, uttering "Off, fiends! I come to join you in your world of
+flames!" and that clowns and pantaloons always gave up the ghost with
+heart-rending screams and contortions of visage, as their deaths were
+generally violent, from being sawn in half, having holes drilled in them
+with enormous gimlets, or being shot out of cannon; but that, at the same
+time, these deaths were not permanent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE.
+
+Our foreign expresses have reached us _via_ Billingsgate, and are full of
+interesting matter. Captain Fitz-Flammer is in prison at Boulogne, for
+some trifling misunderstanding with a native butcher, about the settlement
+of an account; but we trust no time will be lost by our government in
+demanding his release at the hands of the authorities. The attempt to make
+it a private question is absurd; and every Englishman's blood will simmer,
+if it does not actually boil, at the intelligence. Fitz-Flammer was only
+engaged in doing that which many of our countrymen visit Boulogne
+expressly to do, and it is hard that he should have been intercepted in
+his retreat, after accomplishing his object. To live at the expense of a
+natural enemy is certainly a bold and patriotic act, which ought to excite
+sympathy at home, and protection abroad. The English packet, the _City of
+Boulogne_, has turned one of its imitation guns directly towards the town,
+which, we trust, will have the effect of bringing the French authorities
+to reason.
+
+It is expected that the treaty will shortly be signed, by which Belgium
+cedes to France a milestone on the north frontier; while the latter
+country returns to the former the whole of the territory lying behind a
+pig-stye, taken possession of in the celebrated 6th _vendemiaire_, by the
+allied armies. This will put an end to the heart-burnings that have long
+existed on either side of the Rhine, and will serve to apply the sponge at
+once to a long score of national animosities.
+
+Our letters from the East are far from encouraging. The Pasha has had a
+severe sore-throat, and the disaffected have taken advantage of the
+circumstance. Ibrahim had spent the two last nights in the mountains, and
+was unfurling his standard, when our express left, in the very bosom of
+the desert. Mehemet Ali was still obstinate, and had dismissed his visier
+for impertinence. The whole of Servia is in a state of revolt, and the
+authorities have planted troops along the entire line, the whole of whom
+have gone over to the enemy. It is said there must be further concessions,
+and a new constitution is being drawn up; but it is not expected that any
+one will abide by it. Mehemet attempted to throw himself upon the rock of
+Nungab, with a tremendous force, but those about him wisely prevented him
+from doing so.
+
+We have received China (tea) papers to the 16th. There is nothing in them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FANCIED FAIR.
+
+"The Duke of Wellington," says a correspondent of the _Times_, "left his
+umbrella behind him at a fancy fair, held for charitable purposes, between
+Twickenham and Teddington. On discovering it, Lady P. immediately said,
+'Who will give twenty guineas for the Duke's umbrella?' A purchaser was
+soon found; and when the fact was communicated to his Grace, he
+good-naturedly remarked, 'I'll soon supply you with umbrellas, if you can
+sell them with so much advantage to the charity.'" We trust his Grace's
+benevolent disposition will not induce him to carry this offer into
+execution. We should extremely regret to see the Hero of Waterloo in
+Leicester-square, of a rainy night, vending second-hand _parapluies_. The
+same charitable impulse will doubtlessly induce other fashionable hawkers
+at fancy fairs to pick his Grace's pockets. We are somewhat curious to
+know what a Wellington bandana would realise, especially were it the
+produce of some pretty lady P.'s petty larceny. "Charity," it is said,
+"covereth a multitude of sins." What must it do with an umbrella? We fear
+that Lady P. will some day figure in the "fashionable departures."
+
+[Illustration: FOR SYDNEY DIRECT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+MARTINUZZI AS THE ACT DIRECTS.
+
+The production upon the stage of a tragedy "not intended for an acting
+play," as a broad travestie, is a novel and dangerous experiment--one,
+however, which the combined genius of the Dramatic Authors' Council has
+made, with the utmost success. The "Hungarian Daughter" was, under the
+title of "Martinuzzi," received, on its first appearance, with bursts of
+applause and convulsions of laughter!
+
+The plot of this piece our literary reviewer has expressed himself unable
+to unravel. We are in the same condition; all we can promise is some
+account of the scenes as they followed each other; of the characters, the
+sentiments, the poetry, and the rest of the fun.
+
+The play opens with an elderly gentleman, in a spangled dressing-gown, who
+commences business by telling us the time of day, poetically clapping a
+wig upon the sun, by saying, he
+
+  "Shakes day about, like perfume from his _hair_,"
+
+which statement bears out the after sentence, that "the wisdom he endures
+is terrible!" An Austrian gentleman--whose dress made us at first mistake
+him for Richard III. on his travels--arrives to inform the gentleman _en
+deshabille_--no other than _Cardinal Martinuzzi_ himself--that he has come
+from King Ferdinand, to ask if he will be so good as to give up some
+regency; which the Cardinal, however, respectfully declines doing. A
+gentleman from Warsaw is next announced, and _Castaldo_ retires, having
+incidentally declared a passion for the reigning queen of Hungary.
+
+Mr. Selby, as _Rupert_ from Warsaw, then appears, in a dress most
+correctly copied from the costume of the knave of clubs. Being a Pole, he
+stirs up the Cardinal vigorously enough to provoke some exceedingly
+intemperate language, chiefly by bringing to his memory a case of
+child-stealing, to which _Martinuzzi_ was, before he had quite sown his
+wild oats, _particeps criminis_. This case having got into the papers
+(which _Rupert_ had preserved), the Cardinal wants to obtain them, but
+offers a price not long enough for the Pole, who, declaring that
+_Martinuzzi_ carries it "too high" to be trusted with them, vanishes. Mr.
+Morley afterwards comes forward to sing a song according to Act of
+Parliament, and the scene changes for Miss Collect to comply, a second
+time, with the 25th of George II.
+
+In the following scene, the Queen Dowager of Hungary, _Isabella_,
+introduces herself to the audience, to inform them that the Austrian
+gentleman, _Castaldo_, is
+
+                            "the mild,
+  Pity-fraught object of her fondness."
+
+He appears. She makes several inflammatory speeches, which he seems
+determined not to understand, for he is in love with the virgin queen; and
+maidens before dowagers is evidently his sensible motto.
+
+The second act opens with the queen junior stating her assurance, that if
+she lives much longer she will die, and that when she is quite dead, she
+will hate _Martinuzzi_[3]. As, however, she means to hate when she is
+deceased, she will make the most of her time while alive, by devoting
+herself to courtship and _Castaldo_: for a very tender love-scene ensues,
+at the end of which the lady elopes, to leave the lover a clear stage for
+some half-dozen minutes' ecstatics, appropriately ended by his arrest,
+ordered by _Martinuzzi_. Why, it is not stated, the officer not even
+producing the copy of a writ.
+
+    [3] "_Czerina._ When I am dead--which will be soon--I feel,
+        If I much longer on my throne remain,
+        I shall abhor the name of Martinuzzi."
+
+In the next scene, _Isabella_ is visited by _Rupert_, who disinterestedly
+presents the dowager with the papers for nothing, which he was before
+offered an odd castle and snug estate for, by _Martinuzzi_. This is
+accounted for on no other supposition, than the proverbial gallantry of
+gentlemen from Warsaw.
+
+_Martinuzzi_, possessing a ward whom he is anxious should wed the queen,
+opens the third act by declaring he will "precipitate the match," and so
+the author considerately sends _Czerina_ to him, to talk the matter over.
+But the young lady gets into a passion, and the Cardinal declares he can
+make nothing of her, in the following passage:--
+
+  "Fool! I can make thee nothing but a laugh."
+
+A sentiment to which the audience gave a most vociferous echo. The damsel
+is angry that she may not have the man she has chosen, and threatens to
+faint, but defers that operation till her lover's arms are near enough to
+receive her; which they happen to be just in time, for _Martinuzzi_
+retires and _Castaldo_ comes on. _Czerina_, to be quite sure, exclaims,
+"_Are_ these thy arms?" (_sic_) and finally faints in the lover's embrace,
+so as to exhibit a picturesque cuddle.
+
+_Queen Isabella_ is discovered, in the second scene of this act, perusing
+the much vaunted "papers" with intense interest. Unluckily _Castaldo_
+chooses that moment to complain, that _Martinuzzi_ will not let him marry
+her rival. The queen, being by no means a temperate person, and wondering
+at his impudence in telling _her_ such a tale, raves thus:--
+
+  "My soul's on fire I'm choked, and seem to perish;
+  _But will suppress my scream_"
+
+Probably for fear of compromising _Castaldo_, who is alone with her; and
+she ends the act by requesting the Austrian to murder _Martinuzzi_; to
+which he is so obliging as to consent, the more so, as an order comes from
+the Secretary of State for foreign affairs, of his own government, to "cut
+off" (_sic_) the Regent.
+
+The fourth act is enlivened by a masquerade and a murder. The gentleman
+from Warsaw having abused the hospitality of his host by getting drunk, is
+punished by one of _Martinuzzi's_ attendants with a mortal stab; and
+having, in the agonies of death, made a careful survey of all the sofas in
+the apartment, suits himself with the softest, and dies in great comfort.
+
+After this, the masquerade proceeds with spirit. _Isabella_ mixes in the
+festive scene, disguised in a domino, made of black sticking-plaster.
+_Czerina_ overhears that she is a usurper and a changeling, and expresses
+her surprise in a line most unblushingly stolen from Fitz-Ball and the
+other poetico-melo-dramatists:--
+
+  "Merciful Heavens! do my ears deceive me?"
+
+The festivities conclude with an altercation between _Martinuzzi_ and
+_Isabella_, carried on with much vigour on both sides. The lady accuses
+the gentleman of inebriation, and he owns the soft impeachment, fully
+bearing it out by several incoherent speeches.
+
+This was one of the most successful scenes in the comedy. The death of
+_Rupert_, Mr. Morley's song about "The sea," the quarrel (which was about
+the great pivot of the plot, "the papers," inscribed, says _Martinuzzi_,
+
+  "With ink that's _brew'd_ in the infernal Styx,")
+
+were all received with uproarious bursts of laughter.
+
+In the fifth act, we behold _Martinuzzi_ and the usurping young Queen
+making matters up at a railway pace. She has it all her own way. If she
+choose, she may marry _Castaldo_, retire into private life, be a
+"farm-house thrall," and keep a "dairy;" for which estate she has
+previously expressed a decided predilection[4].
+
+    [4] Acting play, published in the theatre, p. 32.
+
+But it is the next scene that the author seems to have reserved for
+putting forth his strongest powers of burlesque and broad humour.
+_Isabella_ and _Castaldo_ are together; the latter feels a little afraid
+to murder _Martinuzzi_, but is impelled to the deed by a thousand
+imaginary torches, which he fears will hurry his "_moth_-like soul" into
+their "blinding sun-beams," till it (the soul) is scorched "_into_
+cinders."
+
+_Castaldo_ appears, in truth, a very bad barber of murders; for, as he is
+rushing out to
+
+  "Strike the tyrant down--in crimson streams
+  Rend every nerve,"
+
+_Isabella_ has the shrewdness to discover that he is without a weapon.
+Important omission! The incipient assassin exclaims--
+
+  "Oh! that I had my sword!"
+
+but at that moment (clever, dramatic contrivance!)
+
+  [_Enter_ CZERINA, _with a drawn sword_.]
+  "CZERINA. There's one! Thine own!"
+
+Far from being grateful for this opportune supply of ways and means for
+murder. _Castaldo_ calls the bilbo a "fated aspic," upon the edge of which
+his "eye-balls crack to look," and makes a raving exit from the stage, to
+a roaring laugh from the audience.
+
+It is quite clear to _Isabella_, from his extreme carelessness about his
+tools, that _Castaldo_ is not safely to be trusted with a job which
+requires so much tact and business-like exactitude as the capital offence.
+She therefore "_shows a phial_," which she intends, "occasion suiting,"
+for "_Martinuzzi's_ bane;" thereby hinting that, if _Castaldo_ fail with
+his steel medicine, she is ready with a surer potion.
+
+The next scene, being the last, was ushered in with acclamations. The
+stage, as is always in that case made and provided, was full. There is a
+young gentleman on a throne, and _Czerina_ beside it, having been somehow
+ungallantly deposed. _Martinuzzi_ expresses a wish to drink somebody's
+health, and this being the "fitting opportunity" mentioned by the author
+in the scene preceeding, _Isabella_ empties the phial of her wrath into
+the beverage, and the _Cardinal_ quenches his thirst with a most
+intemperate draught. It is now duly announced, that _Castaldo_ is, "with
+naked sword, approaching." That gentleman appears, and makes a speech long
+enough for any man who has had such plain warning of what is to
+happen--even a cardinal encumbered with a spangled dressing-gown--to get a
+mile out of his way. The speech quite ended, he goes to work, and with
+"this from King Ferdinand," thrusts at _Martinuzzi_. _Czerina_, however,
+throws herself, with great skill, on the point of the sword, and dies.
+Another long harangue from _Castaldo_--which, as he is evidently
+broken-winded from exertion, is pronounced in tiny snatches--and he dies
+with a "ha!" for want--like many greater men--of breath.
+
+Meanwhile, the poison makes _Martinuzzi_ exceedingly uncomfortable in the
+stomachic regions. He is quite sure
+
+  "That hath been done to me which sends me _star_-ward!"
+
+but in his progress thither he evidently loses his way; for he ends the
+play by inquiring--
+
+  "WHERE IS THE WORLD?"
+
+The sublimity of which query is manifestly insisted on by the author, by
+his having it printed in capitals.
+
+When the curtain fell, there arose an uproarious shout for the author; but
+instead of "the mantle of the Elizabethan poets," which, it has been said,
+he commonly wears, the most attractive garment that met the view was an
+expansive white waistcoat. This latter exhibition concluded the
+entertainments, strictly so called; for though a farce followed, it turned
+out a terrible bore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONCERTS D'ETE.
+
+If the advance of musical science is to be effected by indecent _tableaux
+vivans_--by rattling peas against sieves, and putting out the lights
+(appropriately enough) when Beethoven is being murdered--by the most
+contemptible class of compositions that ever was put upon score-paper, and
+noised forth from an ill-disciplined band--if these be the means towards
+improving musical taste, Monsieur Jullien is undoubtedly the harmonic
+regenerator of this country. He is a great man--great in his own
+estimation--great to the ends of his moustachios and the tips of his
+gloves--a great composer, and a great charlatan--_ex. gr._:--
+
+The overture to the promenade concerts usually consists of a pantomime
+entirely new to an English audience. Monsieur Jullien having made his
+appearance in the orchestra, seats himself in a conspicuous situation, to
+indulge the ladies with the most favourable view of his elegant person,
+and the splendid gold-chainery which is spread all over his magnificent
+waistcoat. A servant in livery then appears, and presents him with a pair
+of white kid gloves. The illustrious conductor, having taken some time to
+thrust them upon a very large and red hand, leisurely takes up his baton,
+rises, grins upon the expectant musicians, lifts his arm, and--the first
+chord is struck!
+
+Quadrilles are the staple of the evening--those composed by Monsieur
+Jullien always, of course, claiming precedence and preference. These are
+usually interspersed with solos on the flageolet, to contrast with
+_obligati_ for the ophecleido; the drummers--side, long, and double--are
+seldom inactive; the trombones and trumpets have no sinecure, and there is
+always a great mortality amongst the fiddle-strings. Eight bars of
+impossible variation is sure to be succeeded by sixteen of the deafening
+fanfare of trumpets, combined with smashing cymbalism, and dreadful
+drumming.
+
+The public have a taste for headaches, and Jullien has imported a capital
+recipe for creating them; they applaud--he bows; and musical taste
+goes--in compliment to the ex-waiter's genuine profession of man-cook--to
+_pot_.
+
+But the _ci-devant cuisinier_ is not content with comparatively harmless,
+plain-sailing humbug; he must add some _sauce piquante_ to his musical
+hashes. He cannot rest with merely stunning English ears, but must shock
+our morals, At the _bals masques_, the French dancers, and the hardly
+mentionable _cancan_, were hooted back to their native stews under the
+Palais Royal; but he provides substitutes for them in the _tableaux
+vivans_ now exhibiting. This, because a more insidious, is a safer
+introduction. The living figures are dressed to imitate plaster-of-Paris,
+and are so arranged as to form groups, called in the bills "classical;"
+but for which it would be difficult to find originals. In short, the whole
+thing is a feeler thrown out to see how far French impudence and French
+epicureanism in vice may carry themselves. It shall not be our fault if
+they do not experience an ignominious downfall, and beat a speedy retreat,
+to the tune of the "Rogue's March," arranged as a quadrille!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MADAME TUSSAUD'S,
+
+THE REAL TEMPLE OF FAME.
+
+    "Some men are born to greatness, some men achieve greatness, and
+    some have greatness thrust upon them."--SHAKSPEARE.
+
+Reader, should you doubt the above assertion, in the true showman
+phraseology, just "Walk up! walk up!" to Madame Tussaud's, the real Temple
+of Fame, and let such doubts vanish for ever; convince yourselves that the
+mighty attribute not more survives from good than evil deeds, though, like
+poverty, it makes its votaries acquainted with the strangest of strange
+bedfellows! The regal ermine and the murderer's fustian alike obtain their
+enviable niche.
+
+The likeness of departed majesty, robed in the matchless splendour of a
+ruler's state, redolent with all the mimic glories of a king's insignia,
+the modelled puppet from the senseless clay, that wore in life the
+imperial purple, and moved a breathing thing, chief actor in its childish
+mummeries, may here be seen shining in tinselled pomp, in glittering
+contrast to the blood-stained shirt through which the dagger of Ravaillac
+reached the bosom of the murdered Henry.
+
+The "Real Robes" of the dead George give value to his waxen image! The
+heart's-blood of the slaughtered Henry immortalises the linen bearing its
+hideous stain. The daring leader of France's countless hosts--the
+wholesale slaughterer of unnumbered thousands--ambition's mightiest
+son--now ruling kingdoms and now ruled by one--once more than king--in
+death the captive of his hated foes--"the great Napoleon!" shares the
+small space with the enshrined Fieschi!
+
+The glorious triumphs of the mighty Wellington are here no better
+passports than the foul murders of the atrocious Burke; the subtle
+Talleyrand, the deep deviser of political schemes, ruler of rulers, and
+master mover of the earth's great puppets, is not one jot superior to the
+Italian mountebank, whose well-skilled hand drew tones from catgut
+rivalling even the ideal trumpet of great Fame herself!
+
+By some strange anomaly, _success_ and _failure_ alike render the
+candidates admissible--no matter the littleness of the source from whence
+they sprung. Lord Melbourne's "premiership" gave shape to the all but
+Promethean wax. The failure of John Frost, his humble follower, secured
+his right to Fame's posthumous honours. All partiality is _here_
+forgotten. The titled premier, in the haunts of men, may boast his
+monarch's palace as his home. The suffering felon, though _iron_ binds his
+limbs, and eats into his heart--though slow approaching, but sure-coming
+death, makes the broad world for him a living grave, _here_ he stands, as
+one among the great ones of the _show_! The amiability of Albert, that
+"excellent Prince," and therefore "_most_ excellent young man," is
+ingeniously contrasted with the vices of a Greenacre, and the villany of a
+_Hare_. The stern endurance and unflinching perseverance of the zealous
+and single-hearted Calvin is deprived of its exclusiveness by the more
+exciting and equally famous Sir William Courtenay (_alias_ Thom).
+
+The thrilling recollection of the "poet peer," and "peerless poet," the
+highly-imaginative and unrivalled Byron, whose flood of song, poured out
+in one continuous stream of varied passion-breathing fancy, is calmed by
+gazing on "dull life's antipodes," the bandaged remnant of a dried-up
+mummy!
+
+Poor Mary Stuart! the beautiful, the murdered Queen of Scots, is only
+parted from the "Maiden Queen," who sealed her doom, by the interposition
+of the blood-stained ruthless wretch (England's Eighth Harry), to whom
+"Bess" owed her birth!
+
+Pitt, Fox, and Canning are matched with Courvoisier, Gould, and Collins.
+
+Liston is _vis a vis_ to Joe Hume, while Louis Philippe but shares
+attention with the rivalling models of the Bastille and Guillotine!
+
+Verily, there is a moral in all this, "an we could but find it out."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 5, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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