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diff --git a/14923.txt b/14923.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7bcae61 --- /dev/null +++ b/14923.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2378 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +August 14, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 14, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14923] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 14, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE WIFE CATCHERS. + +A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS. + +_In Four Chapters._ + + +CHAPTER III. + + +[Illustration: H]Haberdashers, continued my friend the boot, are wonderful +people; they make the greatest show out of the smallest stock--whether of +brains or ribbons--of any men in the world. A stranger could not pass +through the village of Ballybreesthawn without being attracted by a shop +which occupied the corner of the Market-square and the main street, with a +window looking both ways for custom. In these windows were displayed sundry +articles of use and ornament--toys, stationery, perfumery, ribbons, laces, +hardware, spectacles, and Dutch dolls. + +In a glass-case on the counter were exhibited patent medicines, Birmingham +jewellery, court-plaister, and side-combs. Behind the counter might be seen +Mr. Matthew Tibbins, quite a precedent for country shop-keepers, with +uncommonly fair hair and slender fingers, a profusion of visible linen, and +a most engaging lisp. In addition to his personal attractions, Tibbins +possessed a large stock of accomplishments, which, like his goods, "might +safely challenge competition." He was an acknowledged wit, and retailed +compliments and cotton balls to the young ladies who visited his emporium. +As a poet, too, his merits were universally known; for he had once +contributed a poetic charade to the _Ladies' Almanack_. He, moreover, +played delightfully on the Jews'-harp, knew several mysterious tricks in +cards, and was an adept in the science of bread and butter-cutting, which +made him a prodigious favourite with maiden aunts and side-table cousins. +This was the individual whom fate had ordained to cross and thwart Terence +in his designs upon the heart of Miss Biddy O'Brannigan, and upon whom that +young lady, in sport or caprice, bestowed a large dividend of those smiles +which Terence imagined should be devoted solely to himself. + +The man of small wares was, in truth, a dangerous rival, from his very +insignificance. Had he been a man of spirit or corporal consideration, +Terence would have pistolled or thrashed him out of his audacious notions; +but the creature was so smiling and submissive that he could not, for the +life of him, dirty his fingers with such a contemptible wretch. Thus +Tibbins continued flattering and wriggling himself into Miss Biddy's good +graces, while Terence was fighting and kissing the way to her heart, till +the poor girl was fairly bothered between them. + +Miss Biddy O'Brannigan, I should have told you, sir, was an heiress, valued +at one thousand pounds in hard cash, living with an old aunt at Rookawn +Lodge, about six miles from Ballybreesthawn; and to this retreat of the +loves and graces might the rival lovers be seen directing their course, +after mass, every Sunday;--the haberdasher in a green gig with red wheels, +and your uncle mounted on a bit of blood, taking the coal off Tibbins's +pipe with the impudence of his air, and the elegant polish of your humble +servants. + +Matters went on in this way for some time--Miss O'Brannigan not having +declared in favour of either of her suitors--when one bitter cold evening, +I remember it was in the middle of January, we were whipped off our peg in +the hall, and in company with our fellow-labourers, the buckskin +continuations, were carried up to your uncle, whom we found busily +preparing for a ball, which was to be given that night by the heiress of +Rookawn Lodge. I confess that my brother and myself felt a strong +presentiment that something unfortunate would occur, and our forebodings +were shared by the buckskins, who, like ourselves, felt considerable +reluctance to join in the expedition. Remonstrance, however, would have +been idle; we therefore submitted with the best grace we could, and in a +few minutes were bestriding Terence's favourite hunter, and crossing the +country over ditch, dyke, and drain, as if we were tallying at the tail of +a fox. The night was dark, and a recent fall of rain had so swollen a +mountain stream which lay in our road, that when we reached the ford, which +was generally passable by foot passengers, Terence was obliged to swim his +horse across, and to dismount on the opposite side, in order to assist the +animal up a steep clayey bank which had been formed by the torrent +undermining and cutting away the old banks. + +Although we had received no material damage, you may suppose that our +appearance was not much improved by the water and yellow clay into which we +had been plunged; and had it been possible, we would have blushed with +vexation, on finding ourselves introduced by Terence in a very unseemly +state, amidst the titters of a number of young people, into the ball-room +at Rookawn Lodge. However, we became somewhat reassured, when we heard the +droll manner in which he related his swim, with such ornamental flourishes +and romantic embellishments as made him an object of general interest +during the night. + +Matthew Tibbins had already taken the field in a blue satin waistcoat and +nankeen trousers. At the instant we entered the dancing-room, he had +commenced lisping to Miss Biddy, in a tender love-subdued tone, a couplet +which he had committed to memory for the occasion, when a glance of +terrible meaning from Terence's eye met his--the unfinished stanza died in +his throat, and without waiting the nearer encounter of his dreaded rival, +he retreated to a distant corner of the apartment, leaving to Terence the +post of honour beside the heiress. + +"Mr. Duffy," said she, accompanying her words with the blandest smile you +can conceive, as he approached, "what a wonderful escape you have had. Dear +me! I declare you are dripping wet. Will you not change your--clothes?" +and Miss Biddy glanced furtively at the buckskins, which, like ourselves, +had got thoroughly soaked. "Oh! by no means, my dear Miss Biddy," replied +Terence, gaily; "'tis only a thrifle of water--that won't hurt them"--and +then added, in a confidential tone, "don't you know I'd go through fire as +well as water for one kind look from those deludin' eyes." + +"Shame, Mr. Duffy! how can you!" responded Miss Biddy, putting her +handkerchief to her face to make believe she blushed. + +"Isn't it the blessed truth--and don't you know it is, you darling?--Oh! +Miss Biddy, I'm wasting away like a farthing candle in the dog-days--I'm +going down to my snug grave through your cruelty. The daisies will be +growing over me afore next Easther--Ugh--ugh--ugh. I've a murderin' cough +too, and nothing can give me ase but yourself, Miss Biddy," cried Terence +eagerly. + +"Hush! they'll hear you," said the heiress. + +"I don't care who hears me," replied Terence desperately; "I can't stand +dying by inches this way. I'll destroy myself." + +"Oh, Terence!" murmured Miss O'Brannigan. + +"Yes," he continued: "I loaded my pistols this morning, and I told Barney +M'Guire, the dog-feeder, to come over and shoot me the first thing he does +in the morning." + +"Terence, _dear_, what do you want? What am I to say?" inquired the +trembling girl. + +"Say," cried Terence, who was resolved to clinch the business at a word; +"say that you love me." + +The handkerchief was again applied to Miss O'Brannigan's face, and a faint +affirmative issued from the depths of the cambric. Terence's heart hopped +like a racket-ball in his breast. + +"Give me your hand upon it," he whispered. + +Miss Biddy placed the envied _palm_, not on his brows, but in his hand, and +was led by him to the top of a set which was forming for a country dance, +from whence they started off at the rate of one of our modern +steam-engines, to the spirit-stirring tune of "Haste to the Wedding." There +was none of the pirouetting, and chassez-ing, and balancez-ing, of your +slip-shod quadrilles in vogue then--it was all life and action: swing +corners in a hand gallop, turn your partner in a whirlwind, and down the +middle like a flash of lightning. + +Terence had never acquitted himself so well; he cut, capered, and set to +his partner with unusual agility; _we_ naturally participated in the +admiration he excited, and in the fullness of our triumph, while brushing +past the flimsy nankeens worn by Tibbins, I could not refrain from +bestowing a smart kick upon his shins, that brought the tears to his eyes +with pain and vexation. + +After the dance had concluded, Terence led his glowing partner to a cool +quiet corner, where leaving her, he flew to the side table, and in less +time than he would take to bring down a snipe, he was again beside her with +a large mugful of hot negus, into which he had put, by way of stiffener, a +copious dash of mountain dew. + +"How do you like it, my darling?" asked Terence, after Miss Biddy had read +the maker's name in the bottom of the mug. + +"Too strong, I'm afraid," replied the heiress. + +"Strong! Wake as _tay_, upon my honour! Miss Biddy," cried Mr. Duffy. + +(The result of Terence Duffy's courtship will be given in the next +chapter). + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. + +No. IV. + + O Dinna paint her charms to me, + I ken that she is fair; + I ken her lips might tempt the bee-- + Her een with stars compare, + Such transient gifts I ne'er did prize, + My heart they couldna win; + I dinna scorn my Jeannie's eyes-- + But has she ony tin? + + The fairest cheek, alas! may fade + Beneath the touch of years; + The een where light and gladness play'd + May soon graw dim wi' tears. + I would love's fires should, to the last, + Still burn as they begin; + And beauty's reign too soon is past, + So--has she ony tin? + + * * * * * + + +LADY MORGAN'S LITTLE ONE. + +Her ladyship, at her last _conversazione_, propounded to PUNCH the +following classical poser:--"How would you translate the Latin words, +_puella_, _defectus_, _puteus_, _dies_, into four English interjections?" +Our wooden Roscius hammered his pate for full five minutes, and then +exclaimed--"A-lass! a-lack! a-well a-day!" Her ladyship protested that the +answer would have done honour to the professor of languages at the London +University. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +THE ROYAL LION AND UNICORN + +A DIALOGUE. + + "GROUND ARMS!"--_Birdcage Walk._ + + +LION.--So! how do you feel now? + +UNICORN.--Considerably relieved. Though you can't imagine the stiffness of +my neck and legs. Let me see, how long is it since we relieved the +griffins? + +LION.--An odd century or two, but never mind that. For the first time, we +have laid down our charge--have got out of our state attitudes, and may sit +over our pot and pipe at ease. + +UNICORN.--What a fate is ours! Here have we, in our time, been compelled to +give the patronage of our countenance to all sorts of rascality--have been +forced to support robbery, swindling, extortion--but it won't do to think +of--give me the pot. Oh! dear, it had suited better with my conscience, had +I been doomed to draw a sand-cart! + +LION.--Come, come, no unseemly affectation. _You_, at the best, are only a +fiction--a quadruped lie. + +UNICORN.--I know naturalists dispute my existence, but if, as you unkindly +say, I am only a fiction, why should I have been selected as a supporter of +the royal arms? + +LION.--Why, you fool, for that very reason. Have you been where you are for +so many years, and yet don't know that often, in state matters, the greater +the lie the greater the support? + +UNICORN.--Right. When I reflect--I have greater doubts of my truth, seeing +where I am. + +LION.--But here am I, in myself a positive majesty, degraded into a +petty-larceny scoundrel; yes, all my inherent attributes compromised by my +position. Oh, Hercules! when I remember my native Africa--when I reflect on +the sweet intoxication of my former liberty--the excitement of the +chase--the mad triumph of my spring, cracking the back of a bison with one +fillip of my paw--when I think of these things--of my tawny wife with her +smile sweetly ferocious, her breath balmy with new blood--of my playful +little ones, with eyes of topaz and claws of pearl--when I think of all +this, and feel that here I am, a damned rabbit-sucker-- + +UNICORN.--Don't swear. + +LION.--Why not? God knows, we've heard swearing enough of all sorts in our +time. It isn't the fault of our position, if we're not first-rate +perjurers. + +UNICORN.--That's true: still, though we are compelled to witness all these +things in the courts of law, let us be above the influence of bad example. + +LION.--Give me the pot. Courts of law? Oh, Lord! what places they put us +into! And there they expect me--_me_, the king of the animal world, to +stand quietly upon my two hind-legs, looking as mildly contemptible as an +apoplectic dancing-master,--whilst iniquities, and meannesses, and tyranny, +and--give me the pot. + +UNICORN:--Brother, you're getting warm. Really, you ought to have seen +enough of state and justice to take everything coolly. I certainly must +confess that--looking at much of the policy of the country, considering +much of the legal wickedness of law-scourged England--it does appear to me +a studied insult to both of us to make us supporters of the national +quarterings. Surely, considering the things that have been done under our +noses, animals more significant of the state and social policy might have +been promoted to our places. Instead of the majestic lion and the graceful +unicorn, might they not have had the--the-- + +LION.--The vulture and the magpie. + +UNICORN.--Excellent! The vulture would have capitally typified many of the +wars of the state, their sole purpose being so many carcases--whilst, for +the courts of law, the magpie would have been the very bird of legal +justice and legal wisdom. + +LION.--Yes, but then the very rascality of their faces would at once have +declared their purpose. The vulture is a filthy, unclean wretch--the bird +of Mars--preying upon the eyes, the hearts, the entrails of the victims of +that scoundrel-mountebank, Glory; whilst the magpie is a petty-larceny +vagabond, existing upon social theft. To use a vulgar phrase--and +considering the magistrates we are compelled to keep company with, 'tis +wonderful that we talk so purely as we do--'twould have let the cat too +much out of the bag to have put the birds where we stand. Whereas, there is +a fine hypocrisy about us. Consider--am not I the type of heroism, of +magnanimity? Well, compelling me, the heroic, the magnanimous, now to stand +here upon my hind-legs, and now to crouch quietly down, like a pet kitten +over-fed with new milk,--any state roguery is passed off as the greatest +piece of single-minded honesty upon the mere strength of my character--if I +may so say it, upon my legendary reputation. Now, as for you, though you +_are_ a lie, you are nevertheless not a bad-looking lie. You have a nice +head, clean legs, and--though I think it a little impertinent that you +should wear that tuft at the end of your tail--are altogether a very decent +mixture of the quadrupeds. Besides, lie or not, you have helped to support +the national arms so long, that depend upon it there are tens of thousands +who believe you to be a true thing. + +UNICORN.--I have often flattered myself with that consolation. + +LION.--A poor comfort: for if you are a true beast, and really have the +attributes you are painted with, the greater the insult that you should be +placed here. If, on the contrary, you are a lie, still greater the insult +to leonine majesty, in forcing me for so many, many years to keep such bad +company. + +UNICORN.--But I have a great belief in my reality: besides, if the head, +body, legs, tail, I bear, never really met in one animal, they all exist in +several: hence, if I am not true altogether, I am true in parts; and what +would you have of a thick-and-thin supporter of the crown? + +LION.--Blush, brother, blush; such sophistry is only worthy of the Common +Pleas, where I know you picked it up. To be sure, if both of us were the +most abandoned of beasts, we surely should have some excuse for our +wickedness in the profligate company we are obliged to keep. + +UNICORN.--Well, well, don't weep. _Take_ the pot. + +LION.--Have we not been, ay, for hundreds of years, in both Houses of +Parliament? + +UNICORN.--It can't be denied. + +LION--And there, what have we not seen--what have we not heard! What +brazen, unblushing faces! What cringing, and bowing, and fawning! What +scoundrel smiles, what ruffian frowns! what polished lying! What hypocrisy +of patriotism! What philippics, levelled in the very name of liberty, +against her sacred self! What orations on the benefit of starvation--on the +comeliness of rags! Have we not heard selfishness speaking with a syren +voice? Have we not seen the haggard face of state-craft rouged up into a +look of pleasantness and innocence? Have we not, night after night, seen +the national Jonathan Wilds meet to plan a robbery, and--the purse +taken--have they not rolled in their carriages home, with their fingers +smelling of the people's pockets? + +UNICORN.--It's true--true as an Act of Parliament. + +LION.--Then are we not obliged to be in the Courts of Law? In Chancery--to +see the golden wheat of the honest man locked in the granaries of +equity--granaries where deepest rats do most abound--whilst the slow fire +of famine shall eat the vitals of the despoiled; and it may be the man of +rightful thousands shall be carried to churchyard clay in parish deals? +Then in the Bench, in the Pleas--there we are too. And there, see we not +justice weighing cobwebs against truth, making too often truth herself kick +the beam? + +UNICORN.--It has made me mad to see it. + +LION.--Turn we to the Police-offices--there we are again. And there--good +God!--to see the arrogance of ignorance! To listen to the vapid joke of his +worship on the crime of beggary! To see the punishment of the poor--to mark +the sweet impunity of the rich! And then are we not in the Old Bailey--in +all the criminal courts! Have we not seen trials _after dinner_--have we +not heard sentences in which the bottle spoke more than the judge? + +UNICORN.--Come, come, no libel on the ermine. + +LION.--The ermine! In such cases, the fox--the pole-cat. Have we not seen +how the state makes felons, and then punishes them for evil-doing? + +UNICORN.--We certainly have seen a good deal that way. + +LION.--And then the motto we are obliged to look grave over! + +UNICORN.--What _Dieu et mon droit!_ Yes, that does sometimes come awkwardly +in--"God and my right!" Seeing what is sometimes done under our noses, now +and then, I can hardly hold my countenance. + +LION.--"God and my right!" What atrocity has that legend sanctified! and +yet with demure faces they try men for blasphemy. Give me the pot. + +UNICORN.--Come, be cool--be philosophic. I tell you we shall have as much +need as ever of our stoicism? + +LION.--What's the matter now? + +UNICORN.--The matter! Why, the Tories are to be in, and Peel's to be +minister. + +LION.--Then he may send for Mr. Cross for the oran-outan to take my place, +for never again do I support _him_. Peel minister, and Goulburn, I +suppose-- + +UNICORN.--Goulburn! Goulburn in the cabinet! If it be so, I shall certainly +vacate my place in favour of a jackass. + + * * * * * + + +UNIVERSITY OF LONDON. + +BACHELOR OF MEDICINE--FIRST EXAMINATION, 1841. + +The first examination for the degree of bachelor of medicine has taken +place at the London University, and has raised itself to the level of +Oxford and Cambridge. + +Without doubt, it will soon acquire all the other attributes of the +colleges. Town and gown rows will cause perpetual confusion to the +steady-going inhabitants of Euston-square: steeple-chases will be run, for +the express delight of the members, on the waste grounds in the vicinity of +the tall chimneys on the Birmingham railroad; and in all probability, the +whole of Gower-street, from Bedford-square to the New-road, will, at a +period not far distant, be turfed and formed into a T.Y.C.; the property +securing its title-deeds under the arms of the university for the benefit +of its legs--the bar opposite the hospital presenting a fine leap to finish +the contest over, with the uncommon advantage of immediate medical +assistance at hand. + +The public press of the last week has duly blazoned forth the names of the +successful candidates, and great must have been the rejoicings of their +friends in the country at the event. But we have to quarrel with these +journals for not more explicitly defining the questions proposed for the +examinations--the answers to which were to be considered the tests of +proficiency. By means of the ubiquity which Punch is allowed to possess, we +were stationed in the examination room, at the same time that our double +was delighting a crowded and highly respectable audience upon Tower-hill; +and we have the unbounded gratification of offering an exact copy of the +questions to our readers, that they may see with delight how high a +position medical knowledge has attained in our country:-- + + +SELECTIONS FROM THE EXAMINATION PAPERS. + + +ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY. + +1. State the principal variations found in the kidneys procured at Evans's +and the Coal Hole; and likewise name the proportion of animal fibre in the +rump-steaks of the above resorts. Mention, likewise, the change produced in +the _albumen_, or white of an egg, by poaching it upon toast. + +2. Describe the comparative circulation of blood in the body, and of the +_Lancet, Medical Gazette_, and _Bell's Life in London_, in the hospitals; +and mention if Sir Charles Bell, the author of the "Bridgewater Treatise on +the Hand," is the editor of the last-named paper. + + +MEDICINE. + +1. You are called to a fellow-student taken suddenly ill. You find him +lying on his back in the fender; his eyes open, his pulse full, and his +breathing stertorous. His mind appears hysterically wandering, prompting +various windmill-like motions of his arms, and an accompanying lyrical +intimation that he, and certain imaginary friends, have no intention of +going home until the appearance of day-break. State the probable disease; +and also what pathological change would be likely to be effected by putting +his head under the cock of the cistern. + +2. Was the Mount Hecla at the Surrey Zoological Gardens classed by Bateman +in his work upon skin diseases--if so, what kind of eruption did it come +under? Where was the greatest irritation produced--in the scaffold-work of +the erection, or the bosom of the gentleman who lived next to the gardens, +and had a private exhibition of rockets every night, as they fell through +his skylight, and burst upon the stairs? + +3. Which is the most powerful narcotic--opium, henbane, or a lecture upon +practice of physic; and will a moderate dose of antimonial wine sweat a man +as much as an examination at Apothecaries' Hall? + + +CHEMISTRY AND NATURAL PHILOSOPHY. + +1. Does any chemical combination take place between the porter and ale in a +pot of half-and-half upon mixture? Is there a galvanic current set up +between the pewter and the beer capable of destroying the equilibrium of +living bodies. + +2. Explain the philosophical meaning of the sentence--"He cut away from the +crushers as quick as a flash of lightning through a gooseberry-bush." + +3. There are two kinds of electricity, positive and negative; and these +have a pugnacious tendency. _A_, a student, goes up to the College +_positive_ he shall pass; _B_, an examiner, thinks his abilities +_negative_, and flummuxes him accordingly. _A_ afterwards meets _B_ alone, +in a retired spot, where there is no policeman, and, to use his own +expression, "takes out the change" upon _B_. In this case, which receives +the greatest shock--_A_'s "grinder," at hearing his pupil was plucked, or +_B_ for doing it? + +4. The more crowded an assembly is, the greater quantity of carbonic acid +is evolved by its component members. State, upon actual experience, the +_per centage_ of this gas in the atmosphere of the following places:--The +Concerts d'Ete, the Swan in Hungerford Market, the pit of the Adelphi, +Hunt's Billiard Rooms, and the Colosseum during the period of its balls. + +[Illustration] + + +ANIMAL ECONOMY. + +1. Mention the most liberal pawnbrokers in the neighbourhood of Guy's and +Bartholomew's; and state under what head of diseases you class the spring +outbreak of dissecting cases and tooth-drawing instruments in their +windows. + +2. Mention the cheapest tailors in the metropolis, and especially name +those who charge you three pounds for dress coats ("best Saxony, any other +colour than blue or black"), and write down five in the bills to send to +your governor. Describe the anatomical difference between a peacoat, a +spencer, and a Taglioni, and also state who gave the best "prish" for old +ones. + + * * * * * + + +HARVEST PROSPECTS. + +Public attention being at this particular season anxiously directed to the +prospects of the approaching harvest, we are enabled to lay before our +readers some authentic information on the subject. Notwithstanding the +fears which the late unfavourable weather induced, we have ascertained that +reaping is proceeding vigorously at all the barbers' establishments in the +kingdom. Several extensive chins were cut on Saturday last, and the returns +proved most abundant. + +Sugar-barley is a comparative failure; but that description of oats, called +wild oats, promises well in the neighbourhood of Oxford. _Turn-ups_ have +had a favourable season at the ecarte tables of several dowagers in the +West-end district. Beans are looking poorly--particularly the +_have-beens_--whom we meet with seedy frocks and napless hats, gliding +about late in the evenings. Clover, we are informed by some luxurious old +codgers, who are living in the midst of it, was never in better condition. +The best description of hops, it is thought, will fetch high prices in the +Haymarket. The vegetation of wheat has been considerably retarded by the +cold weather. Sportsmen, however, began to shoot vigorously on the 12th of +this month. + +All things considered, though we cannot anticipate a rich harvest, we think +that the speculators have exaggerated the + +[Illustration: ALARMING STATE OF THE CROPS.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS. + +(IN HUMBLE IMITATION OF THE AUTHOR OF "THE GREAT METROPOLIS.") + +No. I.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON. + + +Before entering on this series of papers, I have only one request to make +of the reader, which is this: that, however absurd or incredible my +statements may appear, he will take them all for _Grant_-ed. + +It will hardly be necessary to apologise for making the hero of Waterloo +the subject of this article; for, having had always free access to the +parlour of the Duke of Wellington, I flatter myself that I am peculiarly +fitted for the task I have undertaken. + +My acquaintance with the duke commenced in a very singular manner. During +the discussions on the Reform Bill, his grace was often the object of +popular pelting; and I was, on one occasion, among a crowd of free-born +Englishmen who, disliking his political opinions, were exercising the +constitutional privilege of hooting him. Fired by the true spirit of +British patriotism, and roused to a pitch of enthusiasm by observing that +the crowd were all of one opinion, decidedly against the duke, worked up, +too, with momentary boldness by perceiving that there was not a policeman +in sight, I seized a cabbage-leaf, with which I caught his nose, when, +turning round suddenly to look whence the blow proceeded, I caught his eye. +It was a single glance; but there was something in it which said more than, +perhaps, if I had attempted to lead him into conversation, he would at that +moment have been inclined to say to me. The recognition was brief, lasting +scarcely an instant; for a policeman coming round the corner, the great +constitutional party with whom I had been acting retired in haste, rather +than bring on a collision with a force which was at that time particularly +obnoxious to all the true friends of excessive liberty. + +It will, perhaps, surprise my readers, when I inform them that this is the +only personal interview I ever enjoyed with the illustrious duke; but +accustomed as I am to take in character at a glance, and to form my +conclusions at a wink, I gained, perhaps, as much, or more, information +with regard to the illustrious hero, as I have been enabled to do with +regard to many of those members of the House of Lords whom, in the course +of my "Random Recollections," it is my intention to treat of. + +I never, positively, dined with the Duke of Wellington; but on one occasion +I was very near doing so. Whether the duke himself is aware of the +circumstances that prevented our meeting at the same table I never knew, +and have no wish to inquire; but when his grace peruses these pages, he +will perceive that our political views are not so opposite as the +_dastardly enemies_ of both would have made the world suppose them to have +been. The story of the dinner is simply this:--there was to be a meeting +for the purpose of some charity at the Freemasons'-hall, and the Duke of +Wellington was to take the chair. I was offered a ticket by a friend +connected with the press. My friend broke his word. I did not attend the +dinner. But those virulent liars much malign me who say I stopped away +because the duke was in the chair; and much more do they libel me who would +hint that my absence was caused by a difference with the duke on the +subject of politics. Whether Wellington observed that I did not attend I +never knew, nor shall I stop to inquire; but when I say that his grace +spoke several times, and never once mentioned my name, it will be seen that +whatever may have been his _thoughts_ on the occasion, he had the delicacy +and good taste to make no allusion whatever to the subject, which, but for +its intrinsic importance, I should not so long have dwelt upon, + +Looking over some papers the other day in my drawer, with the intention of +selecting any correspondence that might have passed between myself and the +duke, I found that his grace had never written to me more than once; but +the single communication I had received from him was so truly +characteristic of the man, that I cannot refrain from giving the whole of +it. Having heard it reported that the duke answered with his own hand every +letter that he received, I, who generally prefer judging in all things for +myself, determined to put his grace's epistolary punctuality to the test of +experience. With this view I took up my pen, and dashed off a few lines, in +which I made no allusion, either to my first interview, or the affair of +the dinner; but simply putting forward a few general observations on the +state of the country, signed with my own name, and dated from +Whetstone-park, which was, at that time, my residence. The following was +the reply I received from the duke, which I print _verbatim_, as an +index--short, but comprehensive, as an index ought to be--to the noble +duke's character. + + "Apsley-house. + + "The Duke of Wellington begs to return the enclosed letter, as he + neither knows the person who wrote it, nor the reason of sending + it." + +This, as I said before, is perhaps one of the most graphic _traits_ on +record of the peculiar disposition of the hero of Waterloo. It bespeaks at +once the soldier and the politician. He answers the letter with military +precision, but with political astuteness--he pretends to be ignorant of the +object I had in sending it. His ready reply was the first impulse of the +man; his crafty and guarded mode of expression was the cautious act of the +minister. Had I been disposed to have written a second time to my +illustrious correspondent, I now had a fine opportunity of doing so; but I +preferred letting the matter drop, and from that day to this, all +communication between myself and the duke has ceased. _I_ shall not be the +first to take any step for the purpose of resuming it. The duke must, by +this time, know me too well to suppose that I have any desire to keep up a +correspondence which could lead to no practical result, and might only tear +open afresh wounds that the healing hand of time has long ago restored to +their former salubrity. + +It may be expected I should say a few words of the duke's person. He +generally wears a frock coat, and rides frequently on horseback. His nose +is slightly curved; but there is nothing peculiar in his hat or boots, the +latter of which are, of course, Wellington's. His habits are still those of +a soldier, for he gets up and goes to bed again much as he was accustomed +to do in the days of the Peninsula. His speeches in Parliament I have never +heard; but I have read some of them in the newspapers. He is now getting +old; but I cannot tell his exact age: and he has a son who, if he should +survive his father, will undoubtedly attain to the title of Duke of +Wellington. + + * * * * * + + +EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION. + +_Royal Dispensary for Diseases of the Ear_. + +Our esteemed friend and staunch supporter Colonel Sibthorp has lately, in +the most heroic manner, submitted to an unprecedented and wonderfully +successful operation. Our gallant friend was suffering from a severe +elongation of the auricular organs; amputation was proposed, and submitted +to with most heroic patience. We are happy to state the only inconvenience +resulting from the operation is the establishment of a new hat block, and a +slight difficulty of recognition on the part of some of his oldest friends. + + * * * * * + + +EXTRAORDINARY ASSIZE INTELLIGENCE. + +One of the morning papers gave its readers last week a piece of +extraordinary assize intelligence, headed--"_Cutting a wife's +throat--before Mr. Serjeant Taddy_" We advise the learned Serjeant to look +to this: 'tis a too serious joke to be set down as an accessary to the +cutting of a wife's throat. + + * * * * * + + +A SPOKE IN S--Y'S WHEEL! + + "For Ireland's weal!" hear turncoat S--y rave, + Who'd trust the _wheel_ that own'd so sad a _knave_? + + * * * * * + + +ALARMING DESTITUTION. + +In the parish of Llanelly, Breconshire, the males exceed the females by +more than one thousand. At Worcester, says the _Examiner_, the same +majority is in favour of the ladies. We should propose a conference and a +general swap of the sexes next market-day, as we understand there is not a +window in Worcester without a notice of "Lodgings to let for single men," +whilst at Llanelly the gentlemen declare sweethearts can't be had for "love +nor money." + + * * * * * + + +A NATURAL INFERENCE. + + "There'll soon be rare work (cry the journals in fear), + When Peel is call'd in in _his_ regular way;" + True--for when we've to pay all the Tories, 'tis clear, + It is much the same thing as the _devil to pay_. + + * * * * * + + +THE TORY TABLE D'HOTE--BILLY HOLMES (_loquitur_) + +"Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, feeding is going to commence +Wellington and Peel are now giving their opening dinners to their friends +and admirers. All who want _places_ must come early. Walk up! walk +up!--This is the real constitutional tavern. Here we are! gratis feeding +for the greedy! Make way there for those hungry-looking gentlemen--walk up, +sir--leave your vote at the bar, and take a ticket for your hat." + + * * * * * + + +BLACK AND WHITE. + + The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night, + And boast that they are only blessed with light. + Peel's politics to both sides so incline, + His may be called the _equinoctial line_. + + * * * * * + + +THE LEGAL ECCALOBEION. + +Baron Campbell, who has sat altogether about 20 hours in the Irish +Court of Chancery, will receive 4,000l. a-year, on the death of either +Lord Manners or Lord Plunkett, (both octogenarians;) which, says the +_Dublin Monitor_, "taking the average of human life, he will enjoy +thirty years;" and adds, "20 hours contain 1,200 minutes; and 4,000l. +a-year for thirty years gives 120,000l. So that he will receive for the +term of his natural life just one hundred pounds for every minute that +he sat as Lord Chancellor." Pleasant incubation this! Sitting 20 hours, +and hatching a fortune. If there be any truth in metempsychosis, Jocky +Campbell must be the _goose that laid golden eggs_. + + * * * * * + + +IRISH PARTICULAR. + + SHEIL'S oratory's like bottled Dublin stout; + For, draw the cork, and only froth comes out. + + * * * * * + + +CALUMNY REFUTED. + +We can state on the most positive authority that the recent fire at the +Army and Navy Club did not originate from a spark of Colonel Sibthorp's wit +falling amongst some loose jokes which Captain Marryatt had been scribbling +on the backs of some unedited purser's bills. + + * * * * * + + +HITTING THE RIGHT NAIL ON THE HEAD. + + The Whigs resemble nails--How so, my master? + Because, like nails, when _beat_ they _hold the faster_. + + * * * * * + + +A MATTER OF TASTE. + +"Do you admire Campbell's 'Pleasures of Hope'?" said Croker to Hook. "Which +do you mean, the Scotch poet's or the Irish Chancellor's? the real or the +ideal--Tommy's four thousand lines or Jocky's four thousand pounds a-year?" +inquired Theodore. Croker has been in a brown study ever since. + + * * * * * + + +CHARLES KEAN'S "CHEEK." + +MR. PUNCH,--Myself and a few other old Etonians have read with +inexpressible scorn, disgust, and indignation, the heartless and malignant +attempts, in your scoundrel journal, to blast the full-blown fame of that +most transcendant actor, and most unexceptionable son, Mr. Charles Kean. +Now, PUNCH, fair play is beyond any of the crown jewels. I will advance +only one proof, amongst a thousand others that cart-horses sha'n't draw +from me, to show that Charles Kean makes more--mind, I say, makes +_more_--of Shakspere, than every other actor living or dead. Last night I +went to the Haymarket--Lady Georgiana L---- and other fine girls were of +the party. The play was "Romeo and Juliet," and there are in that tragedy +two slap-up lines; they are, to the best of my recollection, as follow:-- + + "_Oh!_ that I were a glove upon that hand, + That I might touch that _cheek_." + +Now, ninety-nine actors out of a hundred make nothing of this--not so +Charles Kean. Here's my proof. Feeling devilish hungry, I thought I'd step +out for a snack, and left the box, just as Charles Kean, my old +schoolfellow, was beginning-- + + "Oh!--" + +Well, I crossed the way, stepped into Dubourg's, swallowed two dozen +oysters, took a bottom of brandy, and booked a small bet with Jack Spavin +for the St. Leger, returned to the theatre, and was comfortably seated in +my box, as Charles Kean, my old school-fellow, had arrived at + + "------cheek!" + +Now, PUNCH, if this isn't making much of Shakspere, what is? + +Yours (you scoundrel), ETONIAN. + + * * * * * + + +AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC--No. 4. + +The following ode is somewhat freely translated from the original of a +Chinese emigrant named CA-TA-NA-CH, or the "illustrious minstrel." + +We have given a short specimen of the original, merely substituting the +Roman for the Chinese characters. + + ORIGINAL. + + As-ye-Te-i-anp-o-et-sli-re + Y-oun-g-li-ae-us-di-din-spi-re + Wen-ye-ba-r-da-wo-Ke-i-sla-is + Lo-ve-et-wi-nea-li-ket-op-ra-is + So-i-lus-tri-ou-spi-din-th-o-u + In-s-pi-re-thi-Te-ur-nv-ot-a-rin-ow + &c. &c. + + TRANSLATION. + + As the Teian poet's lyre + Young Lyaeus did inspire; + When the bard awoke his lays, + Love and wine alike to praise. + So, illustrious Pidding, thou + Inspire thy _tea_-urn votary now, + Whilst the tea-pot circles round-- + Whilst the toast is being brown'd-- + Let me, ere I quaff my tea, + Sing a paean unto thee, + IO PIDDING! who foretold, + Chinamen would keep their gold; + Who foresaw our ships would be + Homeward bound, yet wanting tea; + Who, to cheer the mourning land, + Said, "I've Howqua still on hand!" + Who, my Pidding, who but thee? + Io Pidding! Evoe! + + * * * * * + + +THE STATE DOCTOR. + +A BIT OF A FARCE. + +_Dramatis Personae._ + + RHUBARB PILL (a travelling doctor), by SIR ROBERT PEEL. + BALAAM (his Man), by COLONEL SIBTHORP. + COUNTRYMAN, by MR. BULL. + +SCENE. _Tamworth._ + +_The Doctor and his Man are discovered in a large waggon, surrounded by a +crowd of people._ + +RHUBARB PILL.--Balaam, blow the trumpet. + +BALAAM (_blows_).--Too-too-tooit! Silence for the doctor! + +RHUBARB PILL.--Now, friends and neighbours, now's your time for getting rid +of all your complaints, whether of the pocket or the person, for I, Rhubarb +Pill, professor of sophistry and doctorer of laws, have now come amongst +you with my old and infallible remedies and restoratives, which, although +they have not already worked wonders, I promise shall do so, and render the +constitution sound and vigorous, however it may have been injured by +poor-law-bill-ious pills, cheap bread, and _black_ sugar, prescribed by +wooden-headed quacks. (_Aside_.) Balaam, blow the trumpet. + +BALAAM (_blows_).--Too-too-tooit! Hurrah for the doctor! + +RHUBARB PILL.--These infallible remedies have been in my possession since +the years 1835 and 1837, but owing to the opposition of the Cabinet of +Physicians, I have not been able to use them for the benefit of the +public--and myself. (_Bows_.) These invaluable remedies-- + +COUNTRYMAN.--What be they? + +RHUBARB PILL.--That's not a fair question--_wait till I'm regularly called +in_[1]. It's not that I care about the fee--mine is a liberal profession, +and though I have a large family, and as many relations as most people, I +really think I should refuse a guinea if it was offered to me. + + [1] Sir Robert Peel at Tamworth. + +COUNTRYMAN.--Then why doant'ee tell us? + +RHUBARB PILL.--It's not professional. Besides, it's quite requisite that I +should "_feel the patient's pulse_," or I might make the dose too powerful, +and so-- + +COUNTRYMAN.--Get the sack, Mr. Doctor. + +RHUBARB PILL (_aside_).--Blow the trumpet, Balaam. + +BALAAM.--Too-too-tooit--tooit-too-too! + +RHUBARB PILL.--And so do more harm than good. Besides, I should require to +have the "_necessary consultations_" over the dinner-table. Diet does a +great deal--not that I care about the "loaves and fishes"--but patients are +always more tractable after a good dinner. Now there's an old lady in these +parts-- + +COUNTRYMAN.--What, my old missus? + +RHUBARB PILL.--The same. She's in a desperate way. + +COUNTRYMAN.--Ees. Dr. Russell says it's all owing to your nasty nosdrums. + +RHUBARB PILL.--Doctor Russell's a--never mind. I say she _is_ very bad, and +I AM the only man that can cure her. + +COUNTRYMAN--Then out wi'it, doctor--what will? + +RHUBARB PILL.--_Wait till I'm regularly called in._ + +COUNTRYMAN.--But suppose she dies in the meantime? + +RHUBARB PILL.--That's her fault. I won't do anything by proxy. I must +direct my own _administration_, appoint my own nurses for the bed-chamber, +have my own herbalists and assistants, and see Doctor Russell's "_purge_" +thrown out of the window. In short, _I must be regularly called in_. +Balaam, blow the trumpet. + +[_Balaam blows the trumpet, the crowd shout, and the Doctor bows +gracefully, with one hand on his heart and the other in his breeches +pocket. At the end of the applause he commences singing_]. + + I am called Doctor Pill, the political quack, + And a quack of considerable standing and note; + I've clapp'd many a blister on many a back, + And cramm'd many a bolus down many a throat, + I have always stuck close, like the rest of my tribe, + And physick'd my patient as long as he'd pay; + And I say, when I'm ask'd to advise or prescribe, + "_You must wait till I'm call'd in a regular way_." + + Old England has grown rather sickly of late, + For Russell's _reduced_ her almost to a shade; + And I've honestly told him, for nights in debate, + He's a quack that should never have follow'd the trade. + And, Lord! how he fumes, and exultingly cries, + "Were you in my place, Pill, pray what would _you_ say?" + But I only reply, "If I am to advise, + _I shall wait till I'm call'd in a regular way_." + + It's rather "too bad," if an ignorant elf, + Who has caught a rich patient 'twere madness to kill, + Should have all the credit, and pocket the pelf, + Whilst you are requested to furnish the skill. + No! no! _amor patriae_'s a phrase I admire, + But I own to an _amor_ that stands in its way; + And if England should e'er my assistance require, + _She must_-- + +[Illustration: "WAIT TILL I'M CALL'D IN A REGULAR WAY."] + + * * * * * + + +ON DITS OF THE CLUBS. + +Peter Borthwich has expressed his determination--not to accept of the +speakership of the House of Commons. + +C.M. Westmacott has announced his intention of _not_ joining the new +administration; in consequence of which serious defection, he asserts that +Sir Robert Peel will be unable to form a cabinet. + +"You have heard," said his Grace of Buckingham, to Lord Abinger, a few +evenings ago, "how scandalously Peel and his crew have treated me--they +have actually thrown me overboard. A man of my weight, too!" "That was the +very objection, my Lord," replied the rubicund functionary. "Their rotten +craft could not carry a statesman of your ponderous abilities. Your dead +weight would have brought them to the bottom in five minutes." + + * * * * * + + +THE REJECTED ADDRESS OF THE MELANCHOLY WHIGS. + +Alas! that poor old Whiggery should have been so silly as to go a-wooing. +Infirm and tottering as he is, it was the height of insanity. Down he +dropped on his bended knees before the object of his love; out he poured +his touching addresses, lisped in the blandest, most persuasive tones; and +what was his answer? Scoffs, laughs, kicks, rejection! Even Johnny +Russell's muse availed not, though it deserved a better fate. It gained him +a wife, but could not win the electors. Our readers will discover the +genius of the witty author of "Don Carlos" in the address, which, though +rejected, we in pity immortalise in PUNCH. + + Loved friends--kind electors, once more we are here + To beg your sweet voices--to tell you our deeds. + Though our Budget is empty, we've got--never fear-- + A long full privy purse, to stand bribing and feeds. + For, oh! we are out-and-out Whigs--thorough Whigs! + Then, shout till your throttles, good people, ye crack; + Hurrah! for the troop of sublime "Thimble-rigs!" + Hurrah! for the jolly old Downing-street pack. + + What we've done, and will do for you, haply you'll ask: + All, all, gentle folks, you shall presently see. + Off your sugar we'll take just _one penny a cask!_ + Only adding a shilling a pound on your tea. + That's the style for your Whigs--your _reforming_ old Whigs! + Then, shout, &c. + + Off your broad--think of this!--we will take--(if we can)-- + A whole farthing a loaf; then, when wages decline, + By one-half--as they must--and you're starving, each man + In our New Poor Law Bastiles may go lodge, and go dine. + That's the plan of your Whigs--your kind-hearted, true Whigs! + Then, shout, &c. + + Off the fine Memel timber, we'd take--if we could-- + All tax, 'cause 'tis used in the palace and hall; + On the cottager's, tradesman's coarse Canada wood, + We will clap such a tax as shall pay us for all. + That's the "dodge" for your Whigs--your poor-loving, true Whigs! + Then, shout, &c. + + To free our dear brothers, the niggers, you know + Twenty millions and more we have fix'd on your backs. + 'Twas gammon--'twas humbug--'twas swindle! for, lo! + We _undo_ all we've done--we go trade in the blacks. + Your _humanity_ Whigs!--_anti-slavery_ Whigs! + Then, shout, &c. + + When to Office we came, full _two millions_ in store + We found safe and snug. Now, that surplus instead, + Besides having spent _it_, and _six_ millions more, + Lo! we're short, _on the year, only two millions dead_. + That's the "_go_" for your Whigs--your _retrenching_ old Whigs + Then, shout, &c. + + In a word, round the throne we've stuck sisters and wives, + Our brothers and cousins fill bench, church, and steeple; + Assist us to stick in, at least for _our_ lives, + And nicely "we'll sarve out" Queen, Lords, ay, and People. + That's the fun for your Whigs--your bed-chamber old Whigs! + Shout, shout, &c. + +What was the reply to this pathetic, this generous appeal? Name it not at +Woburn-abbey--whisper it not at Panshanger--breathe it not in the epicurean +retreat of Brocket-hall! Tears, big tears, roll down our sympathetic checks +as we write it. It was simply--"Cock-a-doodle-do!" + + * * * * * + + +LORD JOHNNY "LICKING THE BIRSE." + +Lord John Russell, on his arrival with his bride at Selkirk the other day, +was invested with the burghship of that ancient town. In this ceremony, +"licking the birse," that is, dipping a bunch of shoemaker's bristles in a +glass of wine and drawing them across the mouth, was performed with all due +solemnity by his lordship. The circumstance has given rise to the following +_jeu d'esprit_, which the author, Young Ben D'Israeli, has kindly dropped +into PUNCH'S mouth:-- + + Lord Johnny, that comical dog, + At trifles in politics whistles; + In London he went _the whole hog_, + At Selkirk he's _going the bristles_. + + * * * * * + + +"Why are Sir Robert Peel and Sir James Graham like two persons with only +one intellect?"--"Because there is an understanding between them." + +"Why is Sir Robert Peel like a confounded and detected +malefactor?"--"Because he has nothing at all to say for himself." + + * * * * * + + +A QUERY. + +The _Salisbury Herald_ says, that Sir John Pollen stated, in reference to +his defeat at the Andover election, "that from the bribery and corruption +resorted to for that purpose, they (the electors) would have returned a +jackass to parliament." Indeed! How is it that he tried and failed? + + * * * * * + + +LORD HOWICK, it is said, has gone abroad for the benefit of his health; he +feels that he has not been properly treated at home. + + * * * * * + + +NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT. + +As much anxiety necessarily exists for the future well-being of our beloved +infant Princess, we have determined to take upon ourselves the onerous +duties of her education. In accordance with the taste of her Royal mother +for that soft language which + + "--sounds as if it should be writ on satin," + +we have commenced by translating the old nursery song of "Ride a +cock-horse" into most choice Italian, and have had it set to music by +Rossini; who, we are happy to state, has performed his task entirely to the +satisfaction of Mrs. Ratsey, the nurse of her Royal Highness; a lady +equally anxious with ourselves to instil into the infant mind an utter +contempt for everything English, except those effigies of her illustrious +mother which emanate from the Mint. The original of this exquisite and +simple ballad is too well known to need a transcript; the Italian version, +we doubt not, will become equally popular with aristocratic mamas and +fashionable nurses. + + + SU GALLO-CABALLO, + AN ITALIAN CAVATINA, + SUNG WITH UNBOUNDED APPLAUSE BY + MRS. RATSEY, + AT THE PRIVATE CONCERTS + OF THE + INFANT PRINCESS. + TO WHOM IT IS DEDICATED BY HER ROYAL HIGHNESS'S ESPECIAL PERMISSION. + + + _Andantino con gran espress._ + [Music: Key of G, 3/4 time.] + Su gal - lo ca - val - - - lo A + + + [Music: key of G.] + Ban - bu - ri cro - ce, An - dia - mo a + + + _Fine._ + [Music: key of G.] + mi-rar La - - vec chia - a trot - tar. + + _Moderato e molto staccato._ + [Music: key of D, 6/8 time.] + Ai dita ha gli anelli Ai pie i campanelli, E musica avra Do- + + _D. C._ + [Music: key of D.] + vunque sen va - - - - - - - - + + * * * * * + + +INJURED INNOCENCE. + +We have seen, with deep regret, a paragraph going the round of the papers +headed, "THE LADY THIEF AT LINCOLN," as if a _lady_ could commit larceny! +"Her disorder," says the newspapers, "is ascribed to a morbid or +irrrepressible propensity, or monomania;" in proof of which we beg to +subjoin the following prescriptions of her family physician, which have +been politely forwarded to us. + + FOR A JEWELLERY AFFECTION. + + R.--Spoons--silv. vi + Rings--pearls ii + Ditto--diamond j + Brooches--emer. et turq. ii + Combs--tortois. et dia. ii + Fiat sumendum bis hodie cum magno reticulo aut muffo, + J.K. + + FOR A DETERMINATION OF HABERDASHERY TO THE HANDS. + R.--Balls--worsted xxiv + Veils { Chantilly } j + { Mec. et Bruss. } + Hose--Chi. rib. et cot. tops cum toe vj prs. + Ribbons--sat. gau. et sarse. (pieces) iv + Fiat sumendum cum cloko capace pocteque maneque. + J.K. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. V. + +[Illustration: THE LAST PINCH.] + + * * * * * + + +PUBLIC AFFAIRS ON PHRENOLOGICAL PRINCIPLES. + +Mr. Combe, the great phrenologist, or, as some call him, Mr. +_Comb_--perhaps on account of his being so busy about the head--has given +it as his opinion, that in less than a hundred years public affairs will be +(in America at least) carried on by the rules of phrenology. By postponing +the proof of his assertion for a century, he seems determined that no one +shall ever give him the lie while living, and when dead it will, of course, +be of no consequence. We are inclined to think there may be some truth in +the anticipation, and we therefore throw out a few hints as to how the +science ought to be applied, if posterity should ever agree on making +practical use of it. Ministers of state must undoubtedly be chosen +according to their bumps, and of course, therefore, no chancellor or any +other legal functionary will be selected who has the smallest symptom of +the bump of _benevolence_. The judges must possess _causality_ in a very +high degree; and _time_, which gives rise to _the perception of duration_ +(which they could apply to Chancery suits), would be a great qualification +for a Master of the Rolls or a Vice-chancellor. The framers of royal +speeches should be picked out from the number of those who have the largest +bumps of _secretiveness_; and those possessing _inhabitiveness_, producing +the desire of _permanence in place_, should be shunned as much as possible. +No bishop should be appointed whose bump of _veneration_ would not require +him to wear a hat constructed like that of PUNCH, to allow his _organ_ full +_play_; and the development of _number_, if large, might ensure a +Chancellor of the Exchequer whose calculations could at least be relied +upon. + +Our great objection to the plan is this--that it might be abused by parties +bumping their own heads, and raising tumours for the sake of obtaining +credit for different qualities. Thus a terrific crack at the back of the +ear might produce so great an elevation of the organ of _combativeness_ as +might obtain for the greatest coward a reputation for the greatest courage; +and a thundering rap on the centre of the head might raise on the skull of +the veriest brute a bump of, and name for, _benevolence_. + + * * * * * + + +"IT WAS BEFORE I MARRIED." + +A BENEDICTINE LYRIC. + + Well, come my dear, I will confess-- + (Though really you too hard are) + So dry these tears and smooth each tress-- + Let Betty search the larder; + Then o'er a chop and genial glass, + Though I so late have tarried, + I will recount what came to pass + I' the days before I married. + + Then, every place where fashion hies, + Wealth, health, and youth to squander, + I sought--shot folly as it flies, + 'Till I could shoot no longer. + Still at the opera, playhouse, clubs, + 'Till midnight's hour I tarried; + Mixed in each scene that fashion dubs + "The Cheese"--before I married. + + Soon grown familiar with the town, + Through Pleasure's haze I hurried; + (Don't feel alarmed--suppress that frown-- + Another glass--you're flurried) + Subscribed to Crockford's, betted high-- + Such specs too oft miscarried; + My purse was full (nay, check that sigh)-- + It was before I married. + + At Ascot I was quite the thing, + Where all admired my tandem; + I sparkled in the stand and ring, + Talked, betted (though at random); + At Epsom, and at Goodwood too, + I flying colours carried. + Flatterers and followers not a few + Were mine--before I married. + + My cash I lent to every one, + And gay crowds thronged around me; + My credit, when my cash was gone, + 'Till bills and bailiffs bound me. + With honeyed promises so sweet, + Each friend his object carried, + Till I was marshalled to the Fleet; + But--'twas before I married. + + Then sober thoughts of wedlock came, + Suggested by the papers; + The _Sunday Times_ soon raised a flame, + The _Post_ cured all my vapours; + And spite of what Romance may say + 'Gainst courtship so on carried, + Thanks to the fates and fair "Z.A." + I now am blest and--married. + + * * * * * + + +JOCKY JASON. + +Jockey Campbell, who has secured 4,000l. a-year by crossing the water and +occupying for 20 hours the Irish _Woolsack_, strongly reminds us of Jason's +Argonautic expedition, after the _golden fleece_. + + * * * * * + + +NEW CODE OF SIGNALS. + +The immense importance of the signals now used in the royal navy, by +facilitating the communication between ships at sea; has suggested to an +ingenious member of the Scientific Association, the introduction of a +telegraphic code of signals to be employed in society generally, where the +_viva voce_ mode of communication might be either inconvenient or +embarrassing. The inventor has specially devoted his attention to the +topics peculiarly interesting to both sexes, and proposes by his system to +remove all those impediments to a free and unreserved interchange of +sentiment between a lady and gentleman, which feminine timidity on the one +side--natural _gaucherie_ on the other--dread of committing one's self, or +fear of transgressing the rules of good breeding, now throw in the way of +many well-disposed young persons. He explains his system, by supposing that +an unmarried lady and gentleman meet for the first time at a public ball: +_he_ is enchanted with the sylph-like grace of the lady in a waltz--_she_, +fascinated with the superb black moustaches of the gentleman. Mutual +interest is created in their bosoms, and the gentleman signalizes:-- + +"Do you perceive how much I am struck by your beauty?"--by twisting the tip +of his right moustache with the finger and thumb of the corresponding hand. +If the gentleman be unprovided with these foreign appendages, the right ear +must be substituted. + +The lady replies by an affirmative signal, or the contrary:--_e.g._ "Yes," +the lady arranges her bouquet with the left hand. "No," a similar operation +with the right hand. Assuming the answer to have been favourable, the +gentleman, by slowly throwing back his head, and gently drawing up his +stock with the left hand, signals-- + +"How do you like _this_ style of person?" + +The lady must instantly lower her eyelids, and appear to count the sticks +of her fan, which will express--"Immensely." + +The gentleman then thrusts the thumb of his left-hand into the arm-hole of +his waistcoat, taps three times carelessly with his fingers upon his chest. +By this signal he means to say-- + +"How is your little heart?" + +The lady plucks a leaf out of her bouquet, and flings it playfully over her +left shoulder, meaning thereby to intimate that her vital organ is "as free +as _that_." + +The gentleman, encouraged by the last signal, clasps his hands, and by +placing both his thumbs together, protests that "Heaven has formed them for +each other." + +Whereupon the lady must, unhesitatingly, touch the fourth finger of her +left hand with the index finger of the right; by which emphatic signal she +means to say--"No nonsense, though?" + +The gentleman instantly repels the idea, by expanding the palms of both +hands, and elevating his eyebrows. This is the point at which he should +make the most important signal in the code. It is done by inserting the +finger and thumb of the right hand into the waistcoat pocket, and +expresses, "What metal do you carry?" or, more popularly, "What is the +amount of your banker's account?" + +The lady replies by tapping her fan on the back of her left hand; _one_ +distinct tap for every thousand pounds she possesses. If the number of taps +be satisfactory to the gentleman, he must, by a deep inspiration, inflate +his lungs so as to cause a visible heaving of his chest, and then, fixing +his eyes upon the chandelier, slap his forehead with an expression of +suicidal determination. This is a very difficult signal, which will require +some practice to execute properly. It means-- + +"Pity my sad state! If you refuse to love me, I'll blow my miserable brains +out." The lady may, by shaking her head incredulously, express a reasonable +doubt that the gentleman possesses any brains. + +After a few more preliminary signals, the lover comes to the point by +dropping his gloves on the floor, thereby beseeching the lady to allow him +to offer her his hand and fortune. + +To which she, by letting fall her handkerchief, replies-- + +"Ask papa and mamma." + +This is only an imperfect outline of the code which the inventor asserts +may be introduced with wonderful advantage in the streets, the theatres, at +churches, and dissenting chapels; and, in short, everywhere that the +language of the lips cannot be used. + + * * * * * + + +LABOURS OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE. + + A day on the water, by way of excursion, + A night at the play-house, by way of diversion, + A morning assemblage of elegant ladies, + A chemical lecture on lemon and kalis, + A magnificent dinner--the venison _so_ tender-- + Lots of wine, broken glasses--that's all I remember. + +FITZROY FIPPS, F.R.G.S., MEM. ASS. ADVT. SCIENCE, F.A.S. + +Plymouth, August 5. + + * * * * * + + +A GOOD REASON. + +We have much pleasure in announcing to the liverymen and our +fellow-citizens, the important fact, that for the future, the lord mayor's +day will be the _fifth_ instead of the ninth of November. The reason for +this change is extremely obvious, as that is the principal day of the "Guy +season." + + * * * * * + + +The members of the Carlton Club have been taking lessons in bell-ringing. +They can already perform some pleasing _changes_. Colonel Sibthorpe is +quite _au fait_ at a _Bob_ major, and Horace Twiss hopes, by ringing a +_Peal_, to be appointed collector of _tolls_--at Waterloo Bridge. + + * * * * * + + +We recommend Lord Cardigan to follow the example of the officers of Ghent, +who have introduced umbrellas into the army, even on parade. Some men +should gladly avail themselves of any opportunity _of hiding their heads_. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--No. 2. + +THE THERMOMETER. + + +_General Description_.--The thermometer is an instrument for showing the +_temperature_; for by it we can either see how fast a man's blood boils +when he is in a passion, or, according as the seasons have occurred this +year, how cold it is in summer, and how hot in winter. It is mostly cased +in tin, all the brass being used up by certain lecturers, who are faced +with the latter metal. It has also a glass tube, with a bulb at the end, +exactly like a tobacco-pipe, with the bowl closed up; except that, instead +of tobacco, they put mercury into it. As the heat increases, the mercury +expands, precisely as the smoke would in a pipe, if it were confined to the +tube. A register is placed behind the tube, crossed by a series of +horizontal lines, the whole resembling a wooden milk-score when the +customer is several weeks in arrear. + +_Derivation of Name_.--The thermometer derives its name from two Greek +words, signifying "measure of heat;" a designation which has caused much +warm discussion, for the instrument is also employed to tell when it +freezes, by those persons who are too scientific to find out by the tips of +their fingers and the blueness of their noses. + +_History and Literature of the Thermometer_.--The origin of the instrument +is involved in a depth of obscurity considerably below _zero_; Pliny +mentions its use by a celebrated brewer of Boeotia; we have succeeded, +after several years' painful research, in tracing the invention of the +instrument to Mercury, who, being the god of thieves, very likely stole it +from somebody else. Of ancient writers, there are few except Hannibal (who +used it on crossing the Alps) and Julius Caesar, that notice it. Bacon +treats of the instrument in his "Novum Organum;" from which Newton cabbaged +his ideas in his "Principia," in the most unprincipled manner. The +thermometer remained stationary till the time of Robinson Crusoe, who +clearly suggested, if he did not invent the register, now universally +adopted, which so nearly resembles his mode of measuring time by means of +notched sticks. Fahrenheit next took it in hand, and because his +calculations were founded on a mistake, his scale is always adopted in +England. Raumur altered the system, and instead of giving the thermometer +mercury, administered to it 'cold without,' or spirits of wine diluted with +water. Celsius followed, and advised a medium fluid, so that his +thermometer is known as the centigrade. De Lisle made such important +improvements, that they have never been attended to; and Mr. Sex's +differential thermometer has given rise to considerably more than a +half-dozen different opinions. All these persons have written learnedly on +the subject, blowing respectively hot or cold, as their tastes vary. The +most recent work is that by Professor Thompson--a splendid octavo, +hot-pressed, and just warm from the printer's. Though this writer disagrees +with Raumur's temperance principles, and uses the strongest spirit he can +get, instead of mercury, we are assured that he is no relation whatever to +Messrs. Thompson and Fearon of Holborn-hill. + +_Concluding Remarks and Description of Punch's Thermometer_.--It must be +candidly acknowledged by every unprejudiced mind, that the thermometer +question has been most shamefully handled by the scientific world. It is +made an exclusive matter; they keep it all to themselves; they talk about +Fahren_heit_ with the utmost coolness; of Raumur in un-understandable +jargon, and fire whole volleys of words concerning the centigrade scale, +till one's head spins round with their inexplicable dissertations. What is +the use of these interminable technicalities to the world at large? Do they +enlighten the rheumatic as to how many coats they may put on, for the +Midsummer days of this variable climate? Do their barometers tell us when +to take an umbrella, or when to leave it at home? No. Who, we further ask, +knows _how_ hot it is when the mercury stands at 120 deg., or how cold it is +when opposite 32 deg. of Fahrenheit? Only the initiated, a class of persons +that can generally stand fire like salamanders, or make themselves +comfortable in an ice-house. + +Deeply impressed with the importance of the subject, PUNCH has invented a +new thermometer, which _may_ be understood by the "people" whom he +addresses--the unlearned in caloric--the ignorant of the principles of +expansion and dilatation. Everybody can tell, without a thermometer, if it +be a coat colder or a cotton waistcoat warmer than usual when he is _out_. +But at home! Ah, there's the rub! There it has been impossible to ascertain +how to face the storm, or to turn one's back upon the sunshine, till +to-day. PUNCH'S thermometer decides the question, and here we give a +diagram of it. Owing a stern and solemn duty to the public, PUNCH has +indignantly spurned the offers of the British Association to join in their +mummeries at Plymouth--to appear at their dinners for the debasement of +science. No; here in his own pages, and in them only, doth he propound his +invention. But he is not exclusive; having published his wonderful +invention, he invites the makers to copy his plan. Mr. Murphy is already +busily arranging his Almanac for 1842, by means of a PUNCH thermometer, +made by Carey and Co. + + PUNCH'S THERMOMETER. + + THE SCALE ARRANGED ACCORDING TO FAHRENHEIT. + + Iced bath 110 + Cold bath 98 Blood heat. + COAT OFF 90 + Stock loosened 88 + Cuffs turned up 85 + One waistcoat 80 + Morning coat all day 75 + ONE COAT 65 Summer heat. + Spencer 55 Temperate. + Ditto, and "Comfortable" 52 + GREAT COAT 50 + Ditto, and Macintosh 45 + Ditto, ditto, and worsted stockings 43 + Ditto, ditto, ditto, and double boxcoat and Guernseys 35 + Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, and bear-skin coat 32 Freezing. + Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto and between } + two feather beds all day } 0 Zero. + + + * * * * * + + +THE SPEAKERSHIP. + +The Parliamentary _lucus a non lucendo_--the Speaker who never speaks--the +gentleman who always holds his own tongue, except when he wants others to +hold theirs--the man who fills the chair, which is about three times too +big for him--is not, after all, to be changed. But the incoming tenants of +office have resolved to take him as a fixture, though not at a fair +valuation; for they do nothing but find fault all the time they are +agreeing to let him remain on the premises. For our own part, we see no +objection to the arrangement; for Mr. Lefevre, we believe, shakes his head +as slowly and majestically as his predecessors, and rattles his teeth over +the _r_ in _o_R-_der_, with as much dignity as Sutton, who was the very +perfection of _Manners_, was accustomed to throw into it. The fatigues of +the office are enough to kill a horse, but asses are not easily +exterminated. It is thought that Lefevre has not been sufficiently worked, +and before giving him a pension, "the receiver must," as the chemist say, +"be quite exhausted." Tiring him out will not be enough; but he must be +_tired_ again, to entitled him to a _re-tiring_ allowance. + + * * * * * + + +AN INQUIRY FROM DEAF BURKE, ESQ. + +DEER SIR,--As I taks in your PUNCH (bein' in the line meself, mind yes), +will you tell me wot is the meeinigs of beein' "konvelessent." A chap +kalled me that name the other days, and I sined him as I does this. + +Yours truly, +DEAF BURKE-- + +[Illustration: HIS MARK.] + + * * * * * + + +THE MANSION-HOUSE PARROT. + +There is something very amusing in witnessing the manner in which the +little Jacks in office imitate the great ones. Sir Peter Laurie has been +doing the ludicrous by imitating his political idol, Sir Robert. "I shan't +prescribe till I am state-doctor," says the baronet. "I shan't decide; +wait for the Lord Mayor," echoes the knight. + + * * * * * + + +MATRIMONIAL AGENCY. + +Lord John Russell begs respectfully to inform the connubially-disposed +portion of the community, that being about to retire from the establishment +in Downing-street, of which he has so long been a member, he has resolved +(at the suggestion of several single ladies _about_ thirty, and of numerous +juvenile gentlemen who have just attained their majority a _second time_) +to open a + +MATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE, + +where (from his long and successful experience) he trusts to be honoured +by the confidence of the single, and the generous acknowledgments of the +married. + +Lord J.R. intends to transact business upon the most liberal scale, and +instead of charging a per centage on the amount of property concerned in +each union, he will take every lady and gentleman's valuation of +themselves, and consider one thousandth part thereof as an adequate +compensation for his services. + +Ladies who have _lost_ the registries of their birth can be supplied with +new ones, for any year they please, and the greatest care will be taken to +make them accord with the early recollections of the lady's schoolfellows +and cousins of the same age. + +Gentlemen who wear wigs, false calves, or artificial teeth, or use +hair-dye, &c., will be required to state the same, as no deception can be +countenanced by Lord J.R. + +Ladies are only required to certify as to the originality of their teeth; +and as Lady Russell will attend exclusively to this department, no +disclosure will take place until all other preliminaries are satisfactorily +arranged. + +Young gentlemen with large mustachios and small incomes will find the +MATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE well worthy their attention; and young ladies who +play the piano, speak French, and measure only eighteen inches round the +waist, cannot better consult their own interests than by making an early +application. + +N.B. None with red hair need apply, unless with a mother's certificate that +it was always considered to be auburn. + +Wanted several buxom widows for the commencement. If in weeds, will be +preferred. + + * * * * * + + +"MATTERS IN FACT," AND "MATTERS IN LAW." + +"Law is the perfection of reason!" said, some sixty years ago, an old +powder-wigged priest of Themis, in his "enthusymusy" for the venerable +lady; and what one of her learned adorers, from handsome Jock Campbell down +to plain Counsellor Dunn, would dare question the maxim? A generous soul, +who, like the fabled lady of the Arabian tale, drops gold at every word she +utters, varying in value from one guinea to five thousand, according to the +quality of the hand that is stretched forth to receive it, cannot possibly +be other than reason herself. But to appreciate this dear creature justly, +it is absolutely necessary to be in her service. No ordinary lay person can +judge her according to her deserts. You must be initiated into her +mysteries before you can detect her beauties; but once admitted to her +august presence--once enrolled as her sworn slave--your eyes become opened +and clear, and you see her as she is, the marvel of the world. Yet, though +so difficult of comprehension, no man, nor woman, nor child, must plead +ignorance of her excellencies. To be ignorant of any one of them is an +impossibility as palpable as that "the Queen can do no wrong," or any other +admirable fiction which the genius of our ancestors has bequeathed us. We +all must know the law, or be continually whipped! A hard rule, though an +inflexible one. But the schoolmaster is abroad--PUNCH, that teaches all, +must teach the law; and, as a preliminary indispensable, he now proceeds to +give a few definitions of the principal matters contained in that science, +which bear a different meaning from what they would in ordinary language. +The admiring neophyte will perceive with delight the vast superiority +apparent in all cases of "matters of law," or "matters of fact." + +To illustrate:--When a lovely girl, all warmth and confidence, steals on +tiptoe from her lonely chamber, and, lighted by the moon, when "pa's" +asleep, drops from the balcony into the arms of some soft youth, as warm as +she, who has been waiting to whisk her off to Hymen's altar--that is +generally understood as + +[Illustration: AN ATTACHMENT IN FACT.] + +When an ugly "bum," well up to trap, creeps like a rascal from the +sheriff's-office, and with his _capias_ armed, ere you are half-dressed, +gives you the chase, and, as you "leg" away for the bare life, his knuckles +dig into the seat of your unmentionables, gripping you like a tiger--that +indeed is _une autre chose_, that is + +[Illustration: AN ATTACHMENT IN LAW.] + +When you remark a round, rosy, jolly fellow, shining from top to toe, +"philandering" down Regent-street, with a self-satisfied grin, that seems +to say, "Match me that, demme!" and casting looks of pity--mellowed through +his eye-glass--on all passers, you may fairly conclude that that happy dog +has just slipped into + +[Illustration: A BOND-STREET SUIT.] + +But when you perceive a gaunt, yellow spectre of a man, reduced to his last +_chemise_, and that a sad spectacle of ancient purity, starting from +Lincoln's-Inn, and making all haste for Waterloo-bridge, the inference is +rather natural, that he is blessed with + +[Illustration: A SUIT IN CHANCERY.] + +It being dangerous to take too great a meal at a time, and PUNCH knowing +well the difficulty of digesting properly over-large quantities of mental +food, he concludes his first lecture on L--A--W. Whether he will continue +here his definitions of legal terms, or not, time and his humour shall +determine. + + * * * * * + + +A DRESS REHEARSAL. + +Lord Melbourne, imitating the example of the ancient philosophers, is +employing the last days of his political existence in composing a learned +discourse "On the Shortness of Ministerial Life." To try the effect of it, +his lordship gives a _full dress_ dinner-party, immediately after the +meeting of Parliament, to several of his friends. On the removal of the +cloth, he will read the essay, and then the Queen's intended speech, in +which she civilly gives his lordship leave to provide himself with another +_place_. Where, in the whole range of history, could we meet with a similar +instance of magnanimity? Where, with such a noble picture--of a great soul +rising superior to adversity? Seneca in the bath, uttering moral +apophthegms with his dying breath--Socrates jesting over his bowl of +hemlock juice--were great creatures--immense minds; but Lord Melbourne +reading his own dismissal to his friends--after dinner, too!--over his +first glass of wine--leaves them at an immeasurable distance. Oh! that we +had the power of poor Wilkie! what a picture we could make of such a +subject. + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +VAUXHALL GARDENS. + +Some of the melancholy duties of this life afford a more subdued, and, +therefore, a more satisfactory pleasure than scores with which duty has +nothing to do, or those of mere enjoyment. If, for instance, the friend, +whose feeds we have helped to eat, whose cellars we have done our part to +empty for the last quarter of a century, should happen to fall ill; if the +doctors shake their heads, and warn us to make haste to his bedside, there +is always a large proportion of honey to be extracted, in obeying the +summons, out of the sting of parting, recounting old reminiscences, and +gossipping about old times, never, alas! to return. But should we neglect +the summons, where would the stings of conscience end? + +Impelled by such a sense of duty, we wended our way to the "royal +property," to take a last look at the long-expiring gardens. It was a wet +night--the lamps burnt dimly--the military band played in the minor +key--the waiters stalked about with so silent, melancholy a tread, that we +took their towels for pocket-handkerchiefs; the concert in the open _rain_ +went off tamely--dirge-like, in spite of the "Siege of Acre," which was +described in a set of quadrilles, embellished with blue fire and maroons, +and adorned with a dozen double drums, thumped at intervals, like death +notes, in various parts of the doomed gardens. The _divertissement_ was +anything but diverting, when we reflect upon the impending fate of the +"Rotunda," in which it was performed. + +No such damp was, however, thrown over the evolutions of "Ducrow's +beautiful horses and equestrian _artistes_," including "the new grand +entree, and cavalcade of Amazons." They had no sympathy with the decline +and fall of the _Simpsonian_ empire. They were strangers, interlopers, +called in like mutes and feathers, to grace the "funeral show," to give a +more graceful flourish to the final exit. The horses pawed the sawdust, +evidently unconscious that the earth it covered would soon "be let on lease +for building ground;" the riders seemed in the hey-day of their equestrian +triumph. Let them, however, derive from the fate of Vauxhall, a deep, a +fearful lesson!--though we shudder as we write, it shall not be said that +destruction came upon them unawares--that no warning voice had been +raised--that even the squeak of PUNCH was silent! Let them not sneer, and +call us superstitious--we do _not_ give credence to supernatural agency as +a fixed and general principle; but we did believe in Simpson, and stake our +professional reputation upon Widdicomb. + +That Vauxhall gardens were under the especial protection of, that they drew +the very breath of their attractiveness from, the ceremonial Simpson, who +can deny? When he flitted from walk to walk, from box to box, and welcomed +everybody to the "royal property," right royally did things go on! Who +would _then_ have dreamt that the illustrious George--he of the +Piazza--would ever be "honoured with instructions to sell;" that his +eulogistic pen would be employed in giving the puff superlative to the +Elysian haunts of quondam fashion--in other words, in painting the lily, +gilding refined gold? But, alas! Simpson, the tutelar deity, has departed +("died," some say, but we don't believe it), and at the moment he made his +last bow, Vauxhall ought to have closed; it was madness--the madness which +will call us, peradventure, superstitious--which kept the gates open when +Simpson's career closed--it was an anomaly, for like Love and Heaven, +Simpson was Vauxhall, and Vauxhall was Simpson! + +Let Ducrow reflect upon these things--we dare not speak out--but a tutelar +being watches over, and giveth vitality to his arena--his ring is, he may +rely upon it, a fairy one--while _that_ mysterious being dances and prances +in it, all will go well; his horses will not stumble, never will his clowns +forget a syllable of their antiquated jokes. O! let him then, while +seriously reflecting upon Simpson and the fate of Vauxhall, give good heed +unto the Methuselah, who hath already passed his second centenary in the +circle! + +These were our awful reflections while viewing the scenes in the circle, +very properly constructed in the Rotunda. They overpowered us--we dared not +stay to see the fireworks, "in the midst of which Signora Rossini was to +make her terrific ascent and descent on a rope three hundred feet high." +She _might_ have been the sprite of Madame Saqui; in fact, the "Vauxhall +Papers" published in the gardens, put forth a legend, which favours such a +dreadful supposition! We refer our readers to them--they are only sixpence +a-piece. + +Of course the gardens were full in spite of the weather; for what must be +the callousness of that man who could let _the_ gardens pass under the +hammer of George Robins, without bidding them an affecting farewell? Good +gracious! We can hardly believe such insensibility does exist. Hasten then, +dear readers, as you would fly to catch the expiring sigh of a fine old +boon companion--hasten to take your parting slice of ham, your last bowl of +arrack, even now while the great auctioneer says "Going." + +For your sake, and yours only, Alfred Bunn (whose disinterestedness has +passed into a theatrical proverb), arrests the arm of his friend of the +Auction Mart in its descent. Attend to _his_ bidding. Do not--oh! do not +wait till the vulcan of the Bartholomew-lane smithy lets fall his hammer +upon the anvil of pleasure, to announce that the Royal Property is--"Gone!" + +[Illustration: WELCOME TO THE ROYAL PROPERTY.] + + * * * * * + + +A LADY AND GENTLEMAN + +IN A PECULIARLY PERPLEXING PREDICAMENT. + +Mrs. Waylett and Mr. Keeley were the lady and gentleman who were placed in +the peculiarly perplexing predicament of making a second-hand French +interlude supportable to an English Opera audience. In this they more than +succeeded--for they caused it to be amusing; they made the most of what +they had to do, which was not much, and of what they had to say, which was +a great deal too much; for the piece would be far more tolerable if +considerably shorn of its unfair proportions. The translator seems to have +followed the verbose text of his original with minute fidelity, except +where the idioms bothered him; and although the bills declare it is adapted +by Mr. Charles Selby to the English stage, the thing is as essentially +French as it is when performed at the _Palais Royal_, except where the +French language is introduced, when, in every instance, the labours of +correct transcription were evidently above the powers of the translator. +The best part of the adaptation is the exact fitness of the performers to +their parts; we mean as far as concerns their _personnel_. + +Of course, all the readers of PUNCH know Mr. Keeley. Let them, then, +conceive him an uncle at five-and-thirty, but docking himself of six years' +age when asked impertinent questions. He has a head of fine auburn hair, +and dresses in a style that a _badaud_ would call "quiet;" that is to say, +he wears brass buttons to his coat, which is green, and adorned with a +velvet collar. In short, it is not nearly so fine as Lord Palmerston's, for +it has no velvet at the cuffs; and is not embroidered. Add white +unhintables, and you have an imaginative portrait of the hero. But the +heroine! Ah! she, dear reader, if you have a taste for full-blown beauty +and widows, she will coax the coin out of your pockets, and yourselves into +the English Opera House, when we have told you what she acts, and how she +acts. Imagine her, the syren, with the quiet, confiding smile, the tender +melting voice, the pleasing highly-bred manner; just picture her in the +character of a Parisian widow--the free, unshackled, fascinating Parisian +widow--the child of liberty--the mother of--no, not a mother; for the +instant a husband dies, the orphans are transferred to convent schools to +become nephews and nieces. Well, we say for the third time, conceive Mrs. +Waylett, dressed with modest elegance, a single rose in her +hair--sympathise with her as she rushes upon the stage (which is "set" for +the _chambre meublee_ of a country inn), escaping from the persecutions of +a persevering traveller who _will_ follow her charms, her modest elegance, +her single rose, wherever they make their appearance. She locks the door, +and orders supper, declaring she will leave the house immediately after it +is eaten and paid for. Alas! the danger increases, and with it her fears; +she will pay without eating; and as the diligence is going off, she will +resume her journey, but--a new misfortune--there is no place in it! She +will, then, hire a postchaise; and the landlady goes to strike the bargain, +having been duly paid for a bed which has not been lain in, and a supper +that has not been eaten. As the lady hastens away, with every prospect of +not returning, the piece would inevitably end here, if a gentleman did not +arrive by the very diligence which has just driven off full, and taken the +same chamber the lady has just vacated; but more particularly if the only +chaise in the place had not been hired by the lady's wicked persecutor on +purpose to detain her. She, of course, returns to the twice-let chamber, +and finds it occupied by a sentimental traveller. + +Here we have the "peculiarly perplexing predicament"--a lady and gentleman, +and only one chamber between them! This is the plot; all that happens +afterwards is merely supplementary. To avoid the continued persecutions of +the unseen Adolphe, the lady agrees, after some becoming hesitation, to +pass to the hostess as the wife of the sentimental traveller. The landlady +is satisfied, for what so natural as that they _should_ have but one +bed-room between them? so she carefully locks them in, and the audience +have the pleasure of seeing them pass the night together--how we will not +say--let our readers go and see. Yet we must in justice add that the "lady +and gentleman" make at the end of the piece the _amende_ good morals +demand--they get married. + +To the performers, and to them alone, are we indebted for any of the +amusement this trifle affords. Mr. Keeley and Mrs. Waylett were, so far as +acting goes, perfection; for never were parts better fitted to them. There +are only three characters in the piece; the third, the hostess of the +_"Cochon bleu,"_ is very well done by Mrs. Selby. The persecuting Adolphe +(who turns out to be the gentleman's nephew) never appears upon the stage, +for all his rude efforts to get into the lady's chamber are fruitless. + +Such is the prying disposition of the British public, that the house was +crammed to the ceiling to see a lady and a gentleman placed in a peculiarly +perplexing predicament. + + * * * * * + + + As _Romeo_, Kean, with awkward grace, + On velvet rests, 'tis said: + Ah! did he seek a softer place, + He'd rest upon his head. + + * * * * * + + +LATEST FOREIGN. + +Several Dutch _males_ arrived from Rotterdam during the last week. They are +all totally devoid of intelligence or interest. + + * * * * * + + +AN USEFUL ALLY. + + "Crack'd China mended!"--Zounds, man! off this minute-- + There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it! + + * * * * * + + +"Draw it mild!" as the boy with the decayed tooth said to the dentist. + +Webster's Manganese Ink is so intensely black, that it is used as a +marking-fluid for coal-sacks. + +There is a man up country so fat, they grease the cart-wheels with his +shadow. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 14, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14923.txt or 14923.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14923/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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