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diff --git a/14856.txt b/14856.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..476d6b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14856.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2175 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +March 28, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 1, 2005 [EBook #14856] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +March 28th, 1917. + + + + +[Illustration: _Torpedoed mine-sweeper_ (_to his pal_). "AS I WAS A-SAYIN', +BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED, IT'S MY BELIEF AS 'OW THE SUBMARINE BLOKES +AIN'T ON 'ARF AS RISKY A JOB AS THE BOYS IN THE AIRY-O-PLANES."] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Charged at Kingston with being an absentee from military service, a man of +retiring habits stated that he did not know the country was at war. When +told that we were fighting the Germans he was greatly interested. + + *** + +The Hamburg hotel-keepers have decided to abolish the practice of charging +more for food in cases where wine or beer are not consumed. The reason +given--that there was no wine or beer to be consumed--is so trivial that a +deeper motive may well be suspected. + + *** + +"That is how we lawyers live, because lay-men have such queer ideas," said +Judge CLUER in a recent case. Nevertheless, the view that lawyers shouldn't +be allowed to live is not without its ardent supporters. + + *** + +_The Manchester Guardian_ has issued an "Empire number." It is pleasant to +know that all differences between the Empire and our contemporary, due to +the former's ill-advised participation in the War, have been satisfactorily +adjusted. + + *** + +Events have happened so swiftly of late that up to the time of going to +press a contemporary had not decided who should be "_The Man who Dined with +the Tsar_." + + *** + +Virginia-creepers are recommended by a contemporary as a "tasty vegetable." +In one large house where the experiment was tried they were pronounced to +be quite all right on the second floor, but rather tough in the basement. + + *** + +The businesses of Southgate men called to the colours are being conducted +by a committee. Small sons of those absent fathers are going very warily +until they have ascertained exactly how far the powers of the committee +extend. + + *** + +Writing on the German retreat Major MORAHT says: "Only a personality like +that of Marshal von Hindenburg could give proofs of so great an +initiative." Possibly he has never heard of the Dukes of York and Plaza +Toro. + + *** + +A boy of eleven charged with the theft of clothes is said to have stolen +the notebook of the policeman who arrested him. His first idea was to pinch +his captor's whistle, but he rejected this plan on finding that the +policeman was attached to it. + + *** + +Russian soldiers under the new _regime_ will be allowed to smoke in the +streets, travel inside trains, visit clubs and attend political meetings. +There is a very strong rumour that they will also be allowed to go on +fighting. + + *** + +A ten-months-old boy at Prescot, Lancashire, has been called up for +military service. It is, however, authoritatively stated that this is +merely a precautionary measure on the part of the War Office, and will not +necessarily apply to other men in the same class. + + *** + +A Bromley gentleman is advertising for a chauffeur "to drive Ford car out +of cab-yard." Kindness is a great thing in cases of this sort, and we +suggest trying to entice it out with a piece of cheese. + + *** + +"You have lost the privilege of serving on the last grand jury during the +War," said the judge at the London Sessions last week to a shipowner who +arrived at the court late. We understand that the poor fellow broke down +and sobbed bitterly. + + *** + +Nearly every Russian newspaper contains congratulatory references to Free +Russia, and poets are busy composing verses on the same theme. It is this +latter item which is said to be keeping the Germans from having a similar +revolution. + + *** + +We understand that the new "No Smoking near Magazines" enactment is +profoundly resented in editorial circles. + + *** + +To fill the gap which will be left in the ranks of Parliamentary humorists +by the retirement of Mr. JOSEPH KING, M.P., who has decided not to seek +re-election, the Variety Artistes Federation have nominated a candidate for +the Brixton Division. + + *** + +"On whatever day you sow your wheat," says Miss MARIE CORELLI, "you cannot +stop its growing on Sundays." Mr. HALL CAINE has not yet spoken on this +point, and his silence is regarded as significant. + + *** + +Incidentally we are not so sure that you cannot stop wheat growing on +Sundays. There is good precedent for plucking its ears on the Sabbath, and +that ought to stop it. + + *** + +The KAISER, it appears, is much annoyed at the CROWN PRINCE and the way he +has mis-managed so many brilliant opportunities. It is even suggested in +some quarters that the KAISER has threatened, if LITTLE WILLIE does not +improve, to abdicate in his favour. + + *** + +A respectably dressed man was recently arrested for behaving in a strange +manner in Downing Street. Others have done the same thing before now, but +have escaped the notice of the police by doing it indoors. + + *** + +With reference to the taxi-cab which stopped in the Strand the other day +when hailed by a pedestrian, a satisfactory explanation is to hand. It had +broken down. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Overheard by a distinguished singer, who has just concluded +the first of two Scotch ballads._ + +_Jock (to his neighbour)._ "A FINE VOICE, YON LASSIE. I'VE HEARD WORSE AN' +PAID FOR IT."] + + * * * * * + +TO PARIS BY THE "HINDENBURG LINE." + +A TEUTON TRIBUTE TO THE ORGANISER OF VICTORY. + + That man at dawn should certainly be shot + For being such a liar, + Who says that you, my HINDENBURG, are not + As high as our All-Highest, mate of GOTT + (Or even slightly higher). + + Stout thruster, in the push you have no peer, + Yet more supremely brilliant + This crowning stroke of progress toward the rear, + This strong recoil from which with heartened cheer + We hope to bound resilient. + + Lo! the creative spirit's vital spark! + None but a genius, _we_ say, + Would make his onset backward in the dark + Or choose this route for getting at the Arc + De Triomphe (Champs Elysees). + + Nor to your care for detail are we blind; + Your handiwork we view in + The reeking waste our warriors leave behind; + We read the motions of a master-mind + In that red trail of ruin. + + And not alone by yonder blackened beams, + By garth and homestead burning, + You put the sanguine enemy off your schemes, + Who gaily follows up and never dreams + That we'll be soon returning; + + But by these speaking signs of godly hate, + This ruthless ravage (_prosit!_), + You teach a barbarous world how truly great + Our German Gospel, and how grim the fate + Of people who oppose it! + + Then praised be Heaven because we cannot fail + With HINDENBURG to boss us; + And for each hearth stript naked to the gale + Let grateful homage plug another nail + In your superb colossus. O.S. + + * * * * * + +RATIONS. + +As I said to John, I can bear anger and sarcasm--but contempt, not. Binny +and Joe are our cats, and the most pampered of pets. Every day, when our +meals were served, there was spread upon the carpet a newspaper, on which +Binny and Joe would trample, clamouring, until a plate containing their +substantial portion was laid down: after which we were free to proceed with +our own meal. + +Then came the paralysing shock of Lord DEVONPORT'S ration announcement, in +which no mention is made of cats. Binny and Joe looked at one another in +consternation over their porridge as I read aloud his statement from the +newspaper at breakfast. + +When I came in to luncheon I had a letter in my hand and accidentally +dropped the envelope. Paper of any kind upon the carpet is associated in +Binny's mind with the advent of food. Straightway he thudded from his +arm-chair and sat down upon the envelope. You will notice that I speak +above of Binny and Joe. I do so instinctively, because, though Binny is +only half Joe's age of one year, somehow he always occurs everywhere before +Joe. Joe was lying on the same arm-chair, and the same idea struck him too; +but Binny got there first and continued sitting on the envelope, until, for +very shame, I asked Ann, the maid, to spread a newspaper and try them with +potato and gravy. They looked at it and then at me, and then, without +tasting, walked off and began their usual after-luncheon ablutions of +mouth, face and paws. But, as I have said, I can endure sarcasm. + +The next day, just before luncheon, a mass of sparrow feathers was found on +the hall-mat. The second day there were feathers of a blackbird. And the +third day, when I came down to breakfast, I found a few thrush feathers +carelessly left under the breakfast-room table. I began to search my mind, +anxiously wondering whether any of my near neighbours kept chickens. + +But the matter was settled that night. When the dinner-gong sounded, Binny +and Joe rose from their arm-chair, looked at the vegetarian dishes now +adorning a board which had been wont to send up savoury meaty steams (fish +in these parts has become a rarity almost unprocurable, and we had +exhausted our allowance of meat at luncheon, which we had taken at a +restaurant), and then, with noses in the air and tails erect, stalked +haughtily to the drawing-room, and there remained until dinner was +finished. + +So now the butcher leaves two pennorth of lights at my door regularly. He +assures me that Lord DEVONPORT won't mind as it is not strictly human food. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE INVADERS. + +"I SUPPOSE OLD HINDENBURG KNOWS WHAT HE'S ABOUT?" + +"ANYHOW, EVERY STEP TAKES US NEARER THE FATHERLAND."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LVIII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--Recent events calling for strong comment, I turned to my +friend, my brick-red friend who is able to retain his well-fed prosperous +look notwithstanding the rigours of trench life, Rrobert James McGrregor. I +took a map with me and, calling his attention to the general position, +asked him what about it? McGregor, as you may guess, is a Scot, whose +national sense of economy seems to have spread to his uniform, in that the +cap he wears covers but a third-part of his head, and his tunic (which I +ought really not to call a tunic but a service jacket) appears to have +exhausted itself and its material at the fourth button. Notwithstanding all +this, I attach great weight to his truculent views, and, the better to +incite him into something outright, addressed him in My best Scottish, +which is, at any rate, as good as his best English. "Rrrrrobert," I said, +"what like is the VON HINDENBURG line?" Whereupon McGregor, helping himself +to our mess whisky and cursing it as the vilest production of this vile +War, spoke out. + +McGregor has no respect whatever for HINDENBURG or anything which is his. +He says that HINDENBURG and his crew have all along taken the line which +any man could, but no gentleman would. In HINDENBURG he sees the +personification of Prussian militarism, and for the Prussians and their +militarism he has no use whatsoever. I forget what exactly is the Highland +phrase for "no use whatsoever," but its meaning is even worse than its +sound, and the sound of it alone is terrible to hear. Whatever befalls in +the interval, it is certain that when at last McGregor and HINDENBURG meet +they will not get on well together. + +McGregor hates militarism. It is entirely inconsistent with his wild ideas +of liberty. As such he is determined to do it down on all occasions and by +every means. Not only is he a Scot, he is also a barrister of the most +pronounced type. Brief him in your cause, and provided it is not a mean one +he will set out to lay flat the whole earth, if need be, in its defence. He +will overwhelm opposing counsel with the mere ferocity of his mien; he will +overbear the Judge himself with the mere power of his lungs, and he will +carry you through to a verdict with the mere momentum of his loyal support. +Once he has made a cause his own, no other cause can survive the terror of +his bushy eyebrows and his flaring face. He is a caged lion, but he does +not grow thin or wasted in captivity. As ever, he grows stout and strong on +his own enthusiasms. The cage will not hold much longer. Heaven be praised, +it's HINDENBURG and not me he's taken a dislike to. + +He loathes militarism. Having waited nearly thirty years for a fight, it's +himself is overjoyed that he has Prussian militarism for the victim of his +murderous designs. To this end he has become a soldier, such a bloodthirsty +soldier as never was before and never will be again. The thoroughness of +it, for an anti-militarist, is almost appalling. The click of his heels and +the shine of his buttons frighten me. His salute is such that even the most +deserving General must pause and ask himself if it is humanly possible to +merit such respect as it indicates. No man, even upon the most legitimate +instance, may venture, in the presence of the dangerous McGregor, the +slightest criticism of the British Army or of anything remotely +appertaining thereto. He will not even permit a sly dig, in a quiet corner, +at the Staff. + +Nevertheless McGregor hates, loathes and detests militarism. His +convictions are quite clear and convincing. Soldiers are one thing; +militarists are another. Rrobert James McGrregor, for the moment at least, +is by the grace of God and the generosity of His Majesty a soldier. That +creature HINDENBURG is a militarist. Quite so, I agreed; but then what +about the line? He helped himself to some more whisky, showing that he +could forgive anybody anything except a Prussian his militarism, and said +he was coming to that. But first as to HINDENBURG. + +The man represents his type and is, says McGregor, a mere bully. He has +become a bully because he could succeed as nothing else. Given peace, it is +doubtful if he could get and keep the job of errand-boy in a second-rate +butcher's shop. Lacking the intelligence or spirit to succeed normally, he +has not the decency to live quietly in the cheaper suburbs of Berlin and +let other people do it. Flourish they must, HINDENBURG and his lot, and so +the world is at war to keep their end up. + +Now, says McGregor, it is undoubtedly sinful to fight, but he can't help +half forgiving those whose desire to have a round is such that they must +needs cause the bothers. But do I suppose that HINDENBURG ever wanted to +fight, ever meant or ever means to do it? Not he; and that is why the War +goes on and on and on. We've got to work through all the other Germans, +says he, before we'll get to their militarists, who are all alive and doing +nicely, thank you, behind. When we are getting near the throat of the first +of them then the War will end. + +McGregor cannot bring himself to detest all the Bosches. After all, he +says, they do stick it out, and their very stupidity makes some call on his +generosity. But HINDENBURG, he is convinced, never stuck anything out, +except snubs from his competitor, WILHELM, in the course of his uprising +career; he makes no call on anybody's generosity, taking everything he +wants, including (says McGregor) the best cigars. Without ever having +studied them closely, McGregor has the most precise ideas of HINDENBURG'S +daily life and habits. He is quite sure he smokes all day the most +expensive cigars, without paying for them or removing the bands. He rose, +says McGregor, by artifice combined with ostentation. While his good +soldiers were studying their musketry, he was practising ferocious +expressions before his glass. If he ever did get mixed up in a real battle +(which McGregor doubts) he was undoubtedly last in and first out. However +it may appear in print, his military career would not bear close scrutiny; +for that reason McGregor does not propose to scrutinise it. And as for his +indomitable will, he sees nothing to admire in the man's persistence, +since, when he stops persisting, he'll become ungummed and, at the best, +forgotten. + +So said McGregor, and when I besought him to come to the point, he said +he'd dealt with it, and if I had any sympathy left for HINDENBURG or his +line I was no better than a slave-driving, sit-at-home-and-push-others- +over-the-parapet Prussian militarist myself. As for the map, it didn't +matter in the least where HINDENBURG took his old line to, since wherever +in Europe it endeavoured to conceal itself his own little line would scent +it out and follow it. And if the HINDENBURG line was more than two hundred +miles long and the Rrobert James McGrregor line less than two hundred +yards, still it didn't matter; for when a Scot takes a dislike to somebody, +that somebody's number is up. + +McGregor didn't say that last, but he looked it. + +Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _McTavish (purchasing paper of posterless newsboy)._ "AWEEL, +IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE,' BUT AH'LL RISK IT."] + + * * * * * + +"Frightfulness" in England. + + "Boys wanted for Kicking. ------ Stamping Works."--_Midland Evening News._ + + * * * * * + +"'THE MAGIC FLUTE.' + + One ingenious commentator has suggested that the opera has some basis + in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' Sarastro is Prospero, Pamina Miranda, + Tamino Ferdinand, and perhaps Monostatos Caliban."--_Glasgow Herald._ + +The fact that these Shakespeare characters all occur in "The Tempest" +enhances the ingenuity of the suggestion. + + * * * * * + + "The biggest fire in living memory occurred in Chapelhall on Monday + morning, when the Roman Catholic School was partly destroyed along with + the recreation rooms, damage amounting to L2,000."--_Scotch Local + Paper._ + +The parish pump was probably out of order when this unparalleled +conflagration occurred; but is seems to be at work again now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME OF OLD +TOP-HATS."] + + * * * * * + +TO MY GODSON. + +(_Aged six weeks._) + + Small bundle, enveloped in laces, + For whom I stood sponsor last week, + When you slept, with the pinkest of faces, + And never emitted a squeak; + Though vain is the task of illuming + The Future's inscrutable scroll, + I cannot refrain from assuming + A semi-prophetical _role_, + + I predict that in paths Montessorian + Your infantile steps will be led, + And with modes which are Phrygian and Dorian + Your musical appetite fed; + You'll be taught how to dance by a Russian, + "Eurhythmics" you'll learn from a Swiss, + How not to behave like a Prussian-- + No teaching is needed for this! + + Will you learn Esperanto at Eton? + Or, if Eton by then is suppressed, + Be sent to grow apples or wheat on + A ranche in the ultimate West? + Will you aim at a modern diploma + In civics or commerce or stinks? + Inhale the Wisconsin aroma + Or think as the Humanist thinks? + + Will you learn to play tennis from COVEY + Or model your stroke on JAY GOULD? + Will you play the piano like TOVEY + Or by gramophone records be schooled? + Will you golf, or will golfing be banished + To answer the needs of the plough, + And links from the landscape have vanished + To pasture the sheep and the cow? + + Your taste in the region of letters + I only can dimly foresee, + But guess that from metrical fetters + The verse you'll affect must be free; + And I shan't be surprised or astounded + If your generation rebels + Against adulation unbounded + Of MASEFIELD and BENNETT and WELLS. + + Upholding ancestral tradition + Your uncle has booked you at Lord's, + But I doubt if you'll sate your ambition + Athletic on well-levelled swards; + No, I rather opine that you'll follow + The lead that we owe to the WRIGHTS, + And soar like the eagle or swallow + On far and adventurous flights. + + But no matter--in joy and affliction, + In seasons of failure or fame, + I cherish the certain conviction + You'll never dishonour your name; + For the love of the mother that bore you, + The life and the death of your sire + Will shine as a lantern before you, + To guide and exalt and inspire. + + * * * * * + +Life's Little Ironies. + + "Ever-ready Safety Razor, strop, outfit, 12 blades, new; exchange + something useful."--_The Model Engineer and Electrician._ + + * * * * * + + "The marriage of Captain ----, Grenadier Guards, to Miss ---- was a very + quiet affair, and not more than a score of people attended the ceremony + at St. Andrew's, Wells-street, during the week.--_Observer._ + +Quiet, perhaps, but unusually protracted. + + * * * * * + +How it Happened. + +From a publisher's advt.:-- + + "NEW NOVELS + THE HISTORY OF AN ATTRACTION + HE LOOKED IN MY WINDOW." + + * * * * * + +Collectors of coincidences will not fail to notice that what the papers +call "The Great Allied Sweep" in France was contemporaneous with the +arrival of General SMUTS in England. + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +IV. + +THE HUNGER-STRIKE. + +"Did you hear that?" cried the white hen. + +"What?" asked all the other hens. + +"He called us--cluck-cluck-cluck," said the white hen. + +"Why shouldn't he?" asked all the other hens. + +"I didn't mean he called us 'cluck-cluck-cluck,'" said the white hen +hastily. "I was only choking with rage when I said that. He called +us--cluck-cluck-cluck--" + +"She's going to lay an egg," said the black hen with interest. + +"Poultry!" screamed the white hen suddenly. + +"Poultry?" gasped the other hens. + +"Poultry!--he called us 'poultry'--oh, cluck-cluck-cluck--" + +"Something must be done," said the yellow hen. + +"Something must be done," repeated all the hens. + +"We must have a hunger-strike till he apologises," said the thin hen +importantly. + +"But we shall be hungry," cried all the hens. + +"That is the essence of a hunger-strike," said the thin hen. + +Just then the keeper arrived with food for the fowls. + +"We mustn't run to him," they said to one another. "It's a hunger-strike, +you know." + +Suddenly the fat hen began running to him. + +"Come back; it's a hunger-strike, you know!" cried the hens. + +"I have an idea," shouted the fat hen as she ran; "the more we eat the +longer we shall hold out." + +"So we shall," cried all the hens as they scurried after the fat one. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer (to applicant for War-work)._ "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" + _Ex-flapper._ "CISSIE"] + + * * * * * + +THE FAVORITE. + +Some people would die rather than talk aloud in a 'bus; others would rather +die than hold their peace there. This second kind is more fun, and four of +it made part of my journey the other day from Victoria to Oxford Street (I +forget the number of the 'bus, but it goes up Bond Street) much less +tedious. They were all young women in the latest teens or the earliest +twenties, and all were what is called well-to-do, and they were fluent +talkers. + +Years ago, when poor LEWIS WALLER was at the height of his fame, we used to +hear of a real or fictitious "Waller Club," the members of which were young +women who spent as much time as they could in visiting his theatre and +rejoicing in the sight of his brave gestures and the sound of his vibrant +voice. It was even said that they had a badge by which they could know each +other; although on the face of it, judging by what sparse scraps of +information concerning the nature of woman I have been able painfully to +collect, I should say that segregation would be, in such a case as this, +more to their taste. + +Be that true or only invented, it is very clear that in spite of the War +and its shattering way with so many ancient shibboleths the cult of the +actor is still strong; for this is the kind of thing that lasted all the +way from Hyde Park Corner to Vere Street:-- + +"Did you see him the other day in that ballet? Of course I knew he could +dance, because he can do everything, but I never thought he was going to be +so gloriously graceful as he was." + +"But surely you ought to have known. Don't you remember him as the Prince +at the LORD MAYOR'S Ball?" + +"And what a wonderful figure he has!" + +"I couldn't help wishing that he had only stained his legs instead of +putting on red tights." + +"My dear!!!" + +"It's his grace that's the wonderful thing about him, I always think. His +ease. He moves so--how shall I put it?--so, well, so easily and +gracefully." + +"Don't you love him when he stands with his hands in his pockets?" + +"My dear, yes. But what a wonderful tailor he goes to. I always used to +tell my brother to try and find out where his things were made and go to +the same place." + +"But of course it's the way clothes are worn much more than the clothes +themselves. I mean, some men can never look well dressed, whereas others +can look well in anything." + +"But he does go to the best tailor, I'm sure." + +"How many times have you seen this new piece?" + +"Six." + +"Only six! I've seen it eleven." + +"I've seen it three times." + +"I've seen it five times; but one of those doesn't count, because when we +got there we found he was ill with chicken-pox. Wasn't that rotten luck?" + +"I heard he had been ill, but I didn't know what it was. Was it really +chicken-pox?" + +"Yes, poor darling." + +"Fancy him having a thing like that! I suppose it's part of the price of +keeping so young." + +"Oh, yes, isn't he young!" + +"They say this thing's going to run for years." + +"I hope not. I want to see him in something new. It's so wonderful how he's +always the same and yet always different." + +"I want him to be in every play. I never go to one without thinking how +much better he would be than the other leading man." + +"I saw that little what's-his-name imitate him the other evening. Really +it's rather a shame." + +"Yes, I've seen it. I couldn't help laughing, but I hated myself for it. +I'm sure, too, he doesn't waggle his head like that." + +"No! I couldn't see the point of that at all; but the people shrieked." + +"Pooh, they'd laugh at anything." + +"What did you like him best of all in?" + +"That's difficult. Of course he was priceless as the policeman. But then he +was priceless as the American too, in that thing before this." + +"Well, I think--" + +And so on. Except that I never mention his name, and I have suppressed the +titles of the plays, this is practically an exact reproduction of the +conversation. Naturally many of the sentences overlapped, for ladies no +less than gentlemen often talk at the same time; but otherwise I have +reported faithfully. + +And who was the subject of these eulogies? You will guess at once when I +say that he is probably the only actor in history who is referred to more +often by his Christian name only than by his surname or full name. These +young women who adored WALLER spoke of him not as LEWIS, but as LEWIS +WALLER; and that is the usual custom. The divine SARAH is perhaps the only +other histrion, and she is a woman, who may be spoken of simply as SARAH, +with no risk of ambiguity. Ordinarily, as I say, we use either the surname +only or the surname and Christian name combined, as ELLEN TERRY, VIOLET +LORAINE, GEORGE GRAVES, GEORGE ROBEY, LESLIE HENSON, NELSON KEYS. But these +four devotees referred to their hero always as GERALD; just GERALD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch's Navy Pages] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gallant Major (temporarily in the care of H.M.'s Navy)._ +"ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT AND--I SHALL DO AS I LIKE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Survivor from U-Boat._ "KAMERAD! KAMERAD! IF I VOS ON LAND +I VOS HOLD UP MEIN HANDS!" + +_Ordinary Seaman._ "WELL, YOUR FEET 'LL DO INSTEAD."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _A.B._ "GIVE US YER KNIFE." _Boy._ "AIN'T GOT IT." + +_A.B. (with bitter scorn of non-essentials)._ "GOT YER WRIST-WATCH ALL +RIGHT, I S'POSE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Apollo._ "I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER--DID I?" + +_Neptune._ "NO. BUT YOU WAS TRYIN' ON ONE OF YER FASCINATIN' LOOKS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ECHOES FROM JUTLAND. + +_Wine Steward (acting as one of Ammunition Supply Party)._ "WILL YOU TAKE +LYDDITE OR SHRAPNEL, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT. + +_Commander (as the black he has tried to pot threatens to touch the port +cushion)._ "LIST HER TO STARBOARD!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "DAMNED SPOT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "YOU OUGHT REALLY TO MANAGE TO GET BLOWN TO BITS SOMEHOW, +NOBBY. YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HEY, DONAL'! HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG." + +"OCH! A WISH IT MICHT BE A U-BOAT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "PARDON ME! I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM THE +SEA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I'VE HAD TO PAY A PENNY MORE FOR SCALLOPS +TO-DAY?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Landlord._ "WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR? WHY +DIDN'T YOU PUT SOME COALS ON?" + +_Stoker._ "NOT LIKELY! I'M ON LEAVE, I AM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Friend._ "SEE YOU'RE IN A HURRY. WON'T KEEP YOU. OFF TO +ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?" + +_Sub-Lieutenant H.M.S. "Unbendable."_ "NOT EXACTLY. FACT IS I'M DUE AT MME. +GIROUETTE'S ACADEMY. STRUCK AGAINST A COUPLE OF NEW STEPS IN THE FOX TROT +AT THE PILKINGTONS' LAST NIGHT--RATHER WORRIED ME. BYE-BYE. MUST SHOVE +OFF!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Apologetic Golfer._ "I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW." + _Sailor._ "WELL, YOU'VE HIT ME AFT!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tar (by way of opening the conversation)._ "AHEM! BEEN OUT +IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jones (who in going through his wardrobe has unearthed a +memento of happier days at Margate)._ "WELL, IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE +FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL HAVE TO BE THE NAVY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Artist (impatiently)._ "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT SOME +EXPRESSION INTO IT! JUST IMAGINE YOU'VE COME THROUGH A TERRIBLE +EXPERIENCE--SHIP TORPEDOED--YOU SOLE SURVIVOR. AFTER CLINGING TO A +BELAYING-PIN NINETEEN HOURS IN THE OPEN SEA YOU ARE RESCUED AT THE LAST +GASP. YOU ARE NOW RELATING YOUR ADVENTURES TO YOUR AGED PARENTS." + +_Model (obligingly)._ "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR--I CAN MANAGE IT. BUT EXCUSE +ME. DID YOU SAY EIGHTEEN HOURS, OR WAS IT NINETEEN?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _King Alfred (founder of the Navy)._ "MADAM, I WAS +EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS."] + + * * * * * + +"LET HER GO!" + +A TRAMP CHANTEY. + + 'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four + (Let 'er go--let 'er go); + They built 'er cheap an' they scamped 'er sore, + 'Er rivets was putty, 'er plates was poor, + And then come in the PLIMSOLL line + Or I wouldn't be singin' this song o' mine. + (Let 'er go!) + + She was cranky an' foul, she was stubborn an' slow + (Let 'er go--let 'er go), + An' she shipped it green when it come on to blow; + 'Er crews was starved an' their wage was low, + An 'er bloomin' owners was ready to faint + At a scrape o' pitch or a penn'orth o' paint. + (Let 'er go!) + + But she's been 'ere an' she's been there + (Let 'er go--let 'er go), + An' she's been almost everywhere; + An' wherever you went you'd sure see _'er_, + With 'er rust-red hawse an' 'er battered old funnel, + All muck an' dirt from 'er keel to 'er gun'le. + (Let 'er go!) + + She's earned 'er keep in a number o' climes + (Let 'er go--let 'er go); + She's changed 'er name a number o' times, + Which won't fit right into these 'ere rhymes, + But the name of 'er now is the _Sound o' Mull_, + Built on the Tyne an' sails out of 'Ull. + (Let 'er go!) + + 'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four + (Let 'er go--let 'er go), + An' a breaker's price was 'er price before + The ships was scarce an' the freights did soar; + But she's fetched 'er fourteen pound a ton + On the Baltic Exchange since the War begun. + (Let 'er go!) + + So she's doin' 'er bit, which we all must do + (Let 'er go--let 'er go), + An' whether she's old or whether she's new + Don't make much odds to a war-time crew, + But 'ooever's sunk or 'ooever's drowned, + The _Sound o' Mull_ keeps pluggin' around. + (Let 'er go!) + + An' when she goes, by night or by day + (Let 'er go--let 'er go), + Either up or down, as she likely may, + I only 'ope as someone'll say: + "'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four; + She done 'er best an' she couldn't do more; + She warn't no swell an' she warn't no beauty, + But she come by 'er end in the way of 'er duty." + (Let 'er go!) C. F. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR +ENDS, JACK?" + +"NO FEAR! IT SAYS 'ERE THAT 'INDENBURG'S TAKEN ALL THE ABLE-BODIED AN' PUT +'EM ON TO WORK OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."] + + * * * * * + +THE POULTICE. + +Call this cold? You orter been with me in '63, when I was whalin' in the +North Atlantic. I was steward on the _Ella Wheeler_, 6,000 tons, out from +New Caledonia. Our skipper was a reg'lar old bluenose, and some Tartar, I +_don't_ think! Why, 'e'd lay yer out sooner than look at yer; an' once 'e +put the cook in irons for two days 'cos the poor devil 'ad tumbled up +against the side of the galley an' burnt the 'air off the side of 'is 'ead, +and the old man said it was untidy; and we all 'ad to 'ave cold grub for +two days--and in them latitudes! Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im! + +But the worst of it was that we 'ad no doctor on board, and when anybody +took sick the old man insisted on doctorin' 'im 'isself; and 'e 'ad only +one way of treatin' every disease in the 'orspitals. "Put 'im into 'is +bunk," he says, "and wait till I bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for's +chest." Tooth-ache or chilblains, a pain in yer stummick or ring-worm--'e +always says the same thing, "Put 'im in his bunk," he says, "and I'll bring +'im a 'ot linseed poultice for 's chest." And 'e brought it and put it on +with 'is own 'ands too! There was no gettin' out of it if once 'e 'eard you +were sick. Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im! + +There was Pete Malone--'ad a great mop of 'air like a lion or a +musician--must needs go washing one day on deck, like a fool. It was all +right as long as 'e 'ad the 'ot water and the soapsuds goin'; but 'e give +'is 'ead a rinse, an' stood up, and, swelpme, before 'e could get the towel +to work every single 'air 'e 'd got 'ad its own private icicle, an' 'is +silly 'ead looked like a silver-plated porkypine. + +Well, as I was saying, we were about a 'undred-and-fifty mile from the +nearest land, which 'ud be the West coast of Greenland, bearin' about E. by +N., when we thought that at last we were going' to get one back on the old +man. It was this way. One bitter cold night 'e was makin' 'is way aft to +turn in, when 'e slips up where a wave 'ad froze on the deck, an' e' goes +wallop down the 'ole length of the companion, from top to bottom, an' busts +three of 'is ribs. Of course we all ran an' picked 'im up, an' _said_ we +'oped 'e wasn't much 'urt. But 'e says, "None of yer jabber, ye swines; +'elp me inter my bunk, and two of yer bring me a 'ot linseed poultice for +my chest." + +Well, we puts 'im in 'is bunk, and I catches the eye of the first mate, and +we goes out together. "Mick," says I, "'e's askin' for a 'ot poultice. Lord +send there's a good fire in the galley!" "If there ain't," says Micky to +me, "we'll damn'd soon make one." So we makes a fire such as none of the +ship's company 'ad ever seen; and we gets two buckets of water, one very +near full, and the other about a quarter full, and we soon 'as 'em both on +the boil. Then we makes the poultice in the drop of water; and when 'e was +ready, we gets the grid and puts it across the top of the other bucket, and +lays the poultice on the grid, and me and the mate picks up the full bucket +with two pair o' tongs, 'olding a torch under 'er to keep 'er at the boil. + +When the old man saw us 'is face twisted a bit! But talk about cold! We +slapped the poultice on to 'im, and, if you'll believe me, inside o' ninety +seconds the thing 'ad _froze 'ard on 'im_, and formed a splint, and--saved +'is life, blarst 'im! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.] + +[Illustration: SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lieutenant ----, R.N., to Lieutenant ----, R.N. (they are +paying one of those periodical visits to a lonely island in the South +Pacific)._ "THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY ARE FROM ALL THE +WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY CIVILISED." + +_First Wretched Islander to Second Wretched Islander._ "DOES THIS VISIT +INTRIGUE YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AND THE LAST THING MY MISSUS SAID TO ME WAS, 'BRING US 'OME +SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS.'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fond Teuton Parent (to super-tar home on leave)._ "AND YOU +LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?" + +_Fritz._ "I LOVE HER! SHE'S A WONDER! SUCH SPEED! WHENEVER WE RACE BACK TO +PORT SHE'S BEEN FIRST EVERY TIME."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Karl._ "WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT MORE MEN +FOR THE NAVY. WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHERE ARE THEY TO COME FROM?" + +_Gretchen._ "BE CALM, KARL. DOUBTLESS OUR GLORIOUS PROFESSORS OF CHEMISTRY +WILL INVENT A SUBSTITUTE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BREATH OF LIBERTY. + +THE GERMAN AUTOCRAT. "THEY MAY FIND THIS WIND VERY BRACING IN RUSSIA BUT IT +MAKES ME FEEL EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 19th._--Captain BATHURST announced that the FOOD CONTROLLER +would issue an order fixing the retail price of swedes at a figure +involving a reduction of "something like 200 per cent." The FOOD +CONTROLLER, as his faithful henchman subsequently remarked, "is always +doing his best," but if he can really reduce the price of a commodity to +100 per cent. less than nothing I hope he will not confine his activity to +a solitary vegetable. + +I am afraid that envy was the predominant feeling aroused by Mr. SNOWDEN'S +story of the family in New Cavendish Street which secured in a single order +from a single firm no less than sixty-three pounds of sugar. Lest any Hon. +Members should be tempted to try and do likewise Captain BATHURST promptly +announced that another order prohibiting hoarding would shortly be issued. +The House cheered, for, as a journalist Member remarked with gloomy +satisfaction, "It is only fair that 'no posters' should be followed by 'no +hoarding.'" + +The PRIME MINISTER paid one of his angelic visits to the House to give the +latest information of the revolution in Russia. His description of it as +"one of the landmarks in the history of the world" evoked loud cheers, but +even louder were those which came from the Nationalist benches when he +remarked that "free peoples are the best defenders of their own honour." + +_Tuesday, March 20th._--A long cross-examination of the representative of +the Air Board produced one valuable statement which Members generally might +bear in mind. Mr. BILLING asked if it was not "in the public interest or in +the interests of this House" that certain contracts should be discussed. +Fixing him with his eye-glass, Major BAIRD replied, "No, the interests of +the House and of the public, I take it, are the same as the interests of +the nation." + +[Illustration: DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON CHURCHILL.] + +If there was any lingering doubt as to the main responsibility for the +inception--as apart from the carrying out--of the Dardanelles affair Mr. +CHURCHILL himself must have removed it. Unlike his former chief he welcomes +the publication of the Report, which in his opinion has shared among a +number of eminent personages a burden formerly borne by himself alone. But +his enthusiasm for the project as it originally formed itself in his +fertile brain is undiminished, and he still marvels that for the want of a +little further sacrifice we should have abandoned the chance of cutting +Turkey out of the War, and uniting in one friendly federation the States of +the Balkans. + +_Wednesday, March 21st._--General MAUDE'S manifesto to the people of +Baghdad, with its allusions to the tyranny under which they had long been +suffering, did not escape the eagle eye of Mr. DEVLIN, ever anxious to +scarify British hypocrisy. So he drafted a long question to the PRIME +MINISTER, embodying the most salient passages of the manifesto. Much to his +disgust it appeared on the Paper without its "most beautiful and striking +passages." The SPEAKER explained that he had blue-pencilled "a good deal of +Oriental and flowery language not suitable to our Western climate." Not the +least part of the joke is the rumour that the manifesto was largely the +work of a Member of the House well versed in Eastern lore. + +_Thursday, March 22nd._--The Ministry of National Service, being unprovided +at present with a Parliamentary Secretary, is supposed to be represented in +the House by Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON. But as the Member for Barnard Castle has +important functions to perform in the War Cabinet and is rarely in the +House he usually deputes some other Member of the Government to answer +Questions addressed to him. To-day the lot fell upon Mr. BECK, who +good-temperedly explained, when a shower of "supplementaries" rained down +upon him, that he really knew nothing about the Department he was +temporarily representing. This led to a tragedy, for Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL +worked himself into a paroxysm of excitement over this constitutional +enormity, and finally sat down on his hat. "I only wish his head had been +in it," muttered a brother Irishman--from Ulster. + +Believers in "the hidden hand," which is supposed to paralyse our military +efforts, are divided in opinion as to whether this cryptic member is most +actively employed by Lord HALDANE, Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON or Sir EYRE CROWE, +Assistant-Secretary to the Foreign Office. They will probably regard Lord +ROBERT CECIL'S statement that some seven years ago Sir EYRE drew up a +memorandum calling the attention of Sir EDWARD GREY to the grave dangers +that threatened this country from Germany as further evidence of his +duplicity. The rest of the world will rejoice at Lord ROBERT'S spirited +vindication of "one of the ablest of our public servants," who, despite +Miss CHRISTABEL PANKHURST, is not one of "the three black crows" of +legendary fame. + +When Sir H. DALZIEL, at the outset of his appeal to the Government to make +another attempt to settle the Irish Question, promised that he would not +"explore the noxious vapours of the past," I feared the worst. But he was +as good as his word, and spared us any gruesome excavations in ancient +Irish history. Major HILLS did even better by implying that it was only +during the last ten years that the question had warped and diverted our +domestic politics. If all Irishmen were as reasonable and moderate as Mr. +RONALD MCNEILL showed himself this afternoon it would not need settling, +for it would never have arisen. He only asked, if sacrifices were +necessary, that Ulster should not alone be expected to make them. Sir HAMAR +GREENWOOD, as the great-grandson of a Canadian rebel who took twelve sons +into the field--"almost his whole family," added his descendant--insisted +that the Colonial method of securing Home Rule was the best--first agree +among yourselves, and then go to the Imperial Parliament to sanction your +scheme. And perhaps, after the conciliatory spirit displayed in to-day's +debate, that is not so impossible oven in Ireland as it seemed a few weeks +ago. Hitherto every attempt of the British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of +Destiny up the Hill of Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready +to roll it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate to +instal it there as the throne of a loyal and united Ireland. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +IV. + +THYME. + + All things true, + All things sweet-- + Summer-dawn dew + And Love's heart-beat; + All things holy, + Hill-flow'rs lowly, + A far church-chime-- + _These things dwell_ + _In the smell_ + _Of Thyme._ + + All things clean, + All things pure-- + Joys that have been + And faiths that endure; + All things sunny, + Bee-song and honey, + Sheep-walks, rhyme-- + _These things dwell_ + _In the smell_ + _Of Thyme._ + + All things set + With sharp sweet pain-- + April regret + For vows yet vain; + All things fragrant, + Thoughts long vagrant + From Beauty's clime-- + _These things dwell_ + _In the smell_ + _Of Thyme._ + + * * * * * + + "Sir John Simon, K.C., cited as an illustration the friendship between + Daniel and Jonathan. The Lord Chief Justice: I become very nervous when + you support your law by quoting Scripture."--_Daily Mail._ + +We always feel more nervous when people _mis_quote Scripture for their +purpose. + + * * * * * + + "The Lord Mayor of London, Sir William Dunn, accompanied by other + members of the City Council in their robes, and the Lady Mayoress, were + amongst the very large conflagration at St. Patrick's, Soho. An + eloquent sermon was preached."--_Irish Paper._ + +"Burning words," indeed. + + * * * * * + +From a description of the difficulties of the members of the Press Gallery +in reporting Mr. BONAR LAW:-- + + "Since he has become leader of the House they have aged and grown + haggard and dejected. The sound of his voice fills them with + bread."--_Birmingham Daily Post._ + +Well, in these days that ought to afford them ample consolation. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Richard L. Borden's name, now a household word, became familiar + only six years ago."--_Daily Paper._ + +But even now he is not so well known as Sir ROBERT! + + * * * * * + +DE PROFUNDIS. + +When I went round the trenches a day or two before we were to move in, the +great frost was still in possession; but there was a mild feeling in the +air. + +"I can thoroughly recommend these trenches to you, Sir," said the occupier +in a businesslike manner. "Commodious and well built, fitted throughout +with the latest pattern duck-boards and reached by three charmingly +sequestered communication trenches, named Hic, Haec and Hoc. The dug-outs +are well equipped and well sunk. The whole would form an ideal retreat for +gentlemen of quiet tastes." + +"Good. And the people over the way?" + +"Unobtrusive and retiring to a degree." + +"In fact," I said, "a most select neighbourhood--unless it thaws." + +He dropped pleasantries and answered very seriously. "If it thaws, Heaven +help you. There's enough water frozen up in these walls to drown the lot of +you." + +It did thaw. + +When we relieved, we waded up to the line through miles of trenches all +knee-deep in water, to the accompaniment of ominous splashes as the sides +began to fall in. When daylight came we found our select estate converted +into a system of canals filled with a substance varying in consistency from +coffee to glue. Hic, Haec and Hoc, owing to the wear and tear of constant +traffic, became especially gluey, and after a time we rechristened them +respectively the Great Ooze, the Little Ooze and the River Styx--the last +not solely in reference to its adhesive qualities, but also because such a +number of things went West in it. Some time after the original duck-boards +had sunk out of our depth we could still move along Styx on a solid bottom +composed of lost gum-boots, abandoned rations and the like. At last, when +Frankie, struggling up to the line with the rum ration, was forced to dump +his precious burden in order to save his life, we pronounced Styx +impassable and thenceforth proceeded along the top after dusk. + +The Great Ooze still remained just possible for those whose business took +them back and forward during the day, but even here were spots in which it +was worse than unwise to linger. As I squelched painfully through one of +these on our last day in the line, I found one Private Harrison firmly +embedded to the top of his thigh-boots. He told me he had been struggling +vainly for about an hour. + +"Give me your hands," I said. + +I tugged, but could get no proper purchase. Harrison grew gradually black +in the face, but remained immovable. I tried another plan. I turned about, +and Harrison clasped his hands round my neck. Then I walked away.... At +least that was the idea. + +"Harrison," I said anxiously after a determined struggle, "were you +standing on the duckboards?" + +"Yes, Sir. I still am." + +"Heavens, so am I. Let go. I've got to get myself out now." + +By using Harrison as a stepping-stone to higher things I just managed to +heave myself out. I surveyed him panting. + +"In about an hour it'll be dusk. I'll bring some men and a rope and haul +you out then. If that fails we'll simply have to hand you over as trench +stores when we get relieved." + +As soon as Fritz's wire had disappeared into the gathering gloom I took out +my little rescue party. We threw the captive a rope and began to pull +scientifically under direction of a sergeant skilled in tugs-of-war. + +"Heave, you men," I whispered excitedly. "He's coming." + +He was, but without his boots. Inch by inch we dragged him out of them. The +strain was terrific. Suddenly--much too suddenly--the tension broke. +Harrison shot into the air and fell again with a dull thud in the Ooze +beside his boots, while the rescue party collapsed head over heels into an +adjacent shell-hole. + +Harrison seemed a little peevish, but consented to try again. The rope +tautened, and there was a sharp crack from below. + +"'Old on," cried the prisoner sharply, "me braces is bust." + +"Can't think o' braces now," grunted my burly sergeant. "Heave-ho, lads, up +she comes!" + +Harrison was pulled clean out of his nether garments, cursing bitterly as +the wind caught his bare legs, and hung suspended between earth and water, +amid ribald comments from above. + +One more pull would do it. But at that moment Fritz, apparently feeling +that we weren't taking his war seriously enough, opened up with a +machine-gun. The rescue party dropped the rope and rolled heavily into the +shell-hole, and the sorely tried Harrison found himself back again, but +face downwards this time, and held by his arms up to the elbows. + +We could hear horrible language, and after a moment, all being quiet, I +crawled to the edge and looked over. His last struggle had split Harrison's +tunic and pulled it clean off his back; and now, with his shirt-tail +trailing dismally in the Ooze, he was making the best of his own way to the +dressing-station, ungratefully consigning his gallant rescuers to complete +and lasting perdition as he went. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER." + +"YES, SIR. IT MAKES SOME OF US OLDER ONES FEEL A BIT MUFTI, DON'T IT?"] + + * * * * * + +A TOPICAL TRAGEDY. + + Jim Startin was not loved at school; + We thought him rather knave than fool. + Migrating thence to Oxford, he + Failed to secure a pass degree. + Years sped--some twenty--ere again + Jim Startin swam into my ken. + I met him strolling down the Strand + Well-dressed, well-nourished, sleek and bland, + A high-class journalistic swell-- + The Headline Expert of _The Yell_. + Great at the art, in peaceful days, + Of finding means our scalps to raise, + The War had since revealed in him + A super-Transatlantic vim, + And day by day his paper's bills + Gave us fresh epileptic thrills. + The sons of Belial, in the rhyme + Of DRYDEN, had a glorious time, + But never managed to attain + To Jim's success in giving pain. + But while his power was at its height + It perished in a single night; + For, with his bills by law abolished, + Jim's occupation was demolished; + Headlines that can't be blazed abroad + On bills and posters are a fraud; + They cease to titillate the mob + Or draw the pennies from its fob, + So Jim was "fired" and lost his job. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady (to coalheavers)._ "_SO_ SWEET OF YOU TO COME. I DO +HOPE YOU'LL COME AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + + "More to the west the British marked fresh progress south of + Achiet-le-Petit, where their lines were advanced on a front of 2 + kilometres (1-1/4 miles). Finally the Germans fell back for the length + of 2 kilometres (5/8 mile) between Essarts and Gommecourt."--_The + Evening News._ + +The road home always seems shorter. + + * * * * * + + "The enemy went at the moment when he left because he was shelled + out."--_Daily Mail._ + +Of course he might have had a different motive if he had gone the moment +after he left. + + * * * * * + + "She was wearing a three-quarter red coat with glass buttons to match a + heavy blue skirt with low neck." + +We never have approved of these _decolletes_ skirts. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Flapper._ "THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR! HE GLARED AT +ME AS IF I HADN'T PAID ANY FARE." + +_Second Flapper._ "AND WHAT DID YOU DO?" + +_First Flapper._ "I JUST GLARED BACK AT HIM--AS IF I HAD!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FRUIT MERCHANT. + +"I feel regular down this morning, Sir," said Private Thomas Weeks, as I +seated myself beside his bed; "regular down, I do." + +It was such a very unusual greeting from this source that I said anxiously, +"Not the leg gone wrong?" + +"No, the old leg's fine. It's the stopping of the imports." He indicated +the morning paper which he had just laid aside. "It's just about bust up my +old business." + +I took the paper and glanced down the list of prohibited articles. Clocks +and parts thereof, perfumery, and quails (live) caught my eye. I didn't +think it could be any of these. + +"What was your business?" I asked. + +"Fruit merchant, Sir. Barrow trade, you understand. 'Awker, some calls it. +But it don't much matter now what it's called, 'cos it's bust up." + +"Not quite bust up, is it?" I said. "Only a bit cut down for a time." + +"That may be," he said, "but I got a strong affection for the trade, Sir, a +very strong affection, and I can't 'elp feeling it. Why, rightly speaking, +it was the fruit trade what got me my D.C.M." + +"Did it though? How was that?" + +"Well, it was like this. I bin callin' fruit a good many years. I could +call fruit with anyone. When I calls ''Oo sez a blood orange?' at +Kennington Lane, you could 'ear it pretty well as far as New Cross. Same +with ''Ave a banana?' If you're to do the trade you must make the people +'ear. It ain't no good bein' like them chaps what stands in the gutter and +whispers, 'Umberella ring a penny,' to their boots." + +"But what about the D.C.M.?" + +"I'm comin' to it, Sir. You see, I got it in connection with a little bit +o' work Trones Wood way. Through various circs, fault o' nobody really, me +and Sam Corney found ourselves alone alongside a dug-out full o' Bosches. +If we'd 'ad a few bombs we'd 'a' bin all right, but we 'adn't. I sez to +Sam, 'We must scare 'em,' I sez, and I shouts, '_'Oo says a blood orange?_' +at the top o' my voice into the dug-out, which was dark, of course, and I +stands in the doorway with my bayonet ready. I can't say what they mistook +it for. Crack o' doom, Sam sez. But eight come out o' that dug-out with +their 'ands up. I sent Sam off 'ome with 'em, though they'd 'a' gone with +no escort at all, I reckon, bein' sort o' stunned. And I went on down the +trench. + +"At the turn there was another dug-out. '_'Ave a banana?_' I yells, and out +come ten of 'em, cryin' for mercy. I took 'em back to what we calls +Petticoat Lane and 'ands 'em over and come up again. But I didn't get no +more barrow-work that day, and my D.C.M. was for them prisoners right +enough. So now you see what I feels like about the fruit business. It's +like an old pal bein' done in." + +"I shouldn't worry too much about it," I said. "You've each had a bit of a +knock-out; but you'll soon be on your legs again, and so will your barrow, +and going strong, both of you." + + * * * * * + +SCOTLAND YET. + + [Dr. GEORG BIEDENKAPP, writing in the _Muenchner Neueste Nachrichten_, + says that if you examine any famous "Englishman" you find that he + really comes from Scotland, to which country he assigns a place with + Suabia, Thuringia, and the Hartz Mountains as "a cradle of Kultur and a + fountain of first-class genius."] + + Man Sandy, here's a German Hun + Wha thinks he's on a track + That nane hae trodden, having fun' + A new an' stairtlin' fac'; + A' English thocht he doots is nocht, + An' English ways are henious, + But ah, says he, in Scotland see + The hame o' first-class genius. + + New? Why, my feyther kent it fine, + An', Sandy, I'll be sworn + The knowledge o' the fac' was mine + Or ever I was born; + If there be ane wad daur maintain + The truth is still to settle, + I haena met the madman yet + In bonny braw Kingskettle. + + Ay, yon's a truth that's kent fu' weel + In ilka but an' ben; + But I could teach the German chiel + A truth he doesna ken; + Gin ye would find the hame o' mind + An' intellectual life, man, + Ye needna look far frae the Nook, + The bonny Nook o' Fife, man. + + Whaur did our good EX-PREMIER go + Whene'er he wished to swank? + To Lunnon? Edinburgh? No! + He cam' to Ladybank; + Nae doot he thocht if there was ocht + Would put him on his mettle + 'Twas meetin' men o' brain, ye ken, + Like us frae auld Kingskettle. + + Fleet Street is fu' o' Fifers tae; + The Cockneys want the views + O' men like JOCK MCFARLANE frae + _The Crail and Cupar News_; + For if a chiel can write sae weel + That you an' me will read him, + Why, man, withoot a shade o' doot + Lunnon is sure to need him. + + Then tak' the Army. What d'ye see? + Wha's chief? Nae need to tell + That DOUGLAS HAIG is prood to be + A Fifer like mesel'; + An' weel he may, for truth to say + There's something aye aboot us: + In ilka trade they want oor aid-- + They canna win withoot us. + + * * * * * + +Wedding Fashions, B.C. + + "The bridesmaid was attired in pink carnations."--_"Daily Colonist," + Victoria, British Columbia._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS.] + + * * * * * + +THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS. + +Jim and me could never 'ave got through the six weeks we was billeted with +Mrs. Sweedle if we 'adn't been 'ardened by Mrs. Larkins in the way I 'ave +described. + +Mrs. Sweedle were a widow woman with a big family, besides a aged father +and a brother who suffered with fits. The billetin' orficer was afraid she +wouldn't he able to take us in, but Mrs. Sweedle was willin' and eager. + +"Bless their hearts, that I will," she said; "it shall never be said I +turned a soldier from my door. Nobody knows better than I do what soldiers +is in an 'ouse. Always merry and bright and ready to put their 'ands to +anything when a poor woman's work's never done and she's delicate and +liable to the sick-'eadache in the mornin's. There's the week's clothes to +go through the wringer, but I know what soldiers is for a wringer; they +can't leave it alone. And if I 'appens to overlay meself I know there's no +cause to worry about Grandfer's cup o' tea, nor yet Bobby and Tom and +Albert gettin' off to school tidy. Like as not they'll do me more credit +than if I washed 'em meself; there's nobody like a soldier for puttin' a +polish on children." + +Mrs. Sweedle overlaid herself the very first mornin', and sent word by +Albert if we would be so kind as make her a cup o' tea when we was makin' +Grandfer's it might save her a doctor; and the wood for the fire was out in +the yard, and she knew, bein' soldiers, we should chop her a barrer-load +while we was about it; and when she crawled downstairs presently the +breakfast things would be washed and put away, as was the 'abit of +soldiers, and very likely the pertaters peeled for dinner. + +It bein' a strange 'ouse and we not knowin' where to put our 'ands on +anythin', and, when we'd got the kettle to boil, not bein' able to let it +out of our sight owin' to the youngest little Sweedle wantin' to drink out +of the spout, Jim and me was regler drove. We was as near late for parade +as we 'ave ever been in our lives. Mrs. Sweedle was very upset. "I know +what soldiers is for punctuality," she said, "a minute late and they're +court-martialled. How would it be if you was to lay the fire over-night and +scrub over the floor? It 'ud save ye a lot in the mornin', if so be I'm +forced to keep me bed." + +We done as she advised, and it were fortunate. She 'ad another +sick-'eadache the next day, and sent word by Albert would we be so good as +bake her a mouthful of toast; she knew what soldiers' toast was like, it +give ye a appetite to look at it, thin and crisp, with the butter laid on +smooth as cream and cut in fingers. + +We never run no risk after that. 'Owever dog-tired we was and 'owever Mrs. +Sweedle seemed in 'ealth we always got the work forward over-night, and +when we could catch 'old of Bobby and Tom and Albert we washed 'em to save +time in the mornin' and parted their 'air. + +One day Mrs. Sweedle were well enough to get up. "I know who's goin' to +'ave a treat now," she said. Our 'arts leapt. We did 'ope she might be +goin' to say we was to sit down to our breakfasts. + +"Grandfer's goin' to be shaved, and not 'ave to pay tuppence out of 'is +poor pension," she said. "There's nobody can shave like a soldier." And +when Jim 'ad got the old man by the nose she said to me, "I can see what +you want to be at, shakin' these mats with your strong arm and savin' me +comin' on giddy." + +It were very 'ard at first, but after a bit Jim and me got into the work at +Mrs. Sweedle's and was just able to get through with it, except the mornin' +her brother 'ad a fit when we was racin' to finish the washin'-up. That +fair broke our backs. We 'ad a sort of seizure on parade and 'ad to fall +out till we got our breaths back. + + * * * * * + +THE RECOGNISED. + + Give ear to my words and you shall hear + The song of the British Volunteer, + Who started out when the War began + As a middle-aged mostly grey-haired man. + Too old to be sent to join the dance + Of the doughty fellows who fought in France, + He refused to go on the dusty shelf, + And he set to work and he bought himself + A spirited grey-green uniform, + With a cap to match and a British warm, + And he took his fill + Of the latest drill; + But somehow they didn't seem to prize him + Or wish in the least to recognise him. + + But now they have let him cast away + His excellent clothes of green and grey; + They think they can use him, + And don't refuse him, + And they've dressed him up and they've dressed him down + In a regular suit of khaki brown; + He has been gazetted + And properly vetted + As able to march five miles at least, + Though he puffs a bit when the speed 's increased; + And he can double + Without much trouble, + And do such deeds as a man must do + Who is willing to help to see things through. + + * * * * * + +A Wholesale Order. + + "Lieut-Colonel ---- received the K.C.B. and other decorations, including + C.M.G.s, D.S.O.s, Military Crosses, and Royal Red Crosses."--_Evening + Standard._ + + * * * * * + +From "Paris Theatrical Notes":-- + + "The programme for to-day at the Opera compromises 'Samson et + Dalila.'"--_Continental Daily Mail._ + +It sounds a little superfluous. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +_Alfred Lyttelton: An Account of his Life_, by EDITH LYTTELTON (LONGMANS), +is a most fascinating book. Mrs. ALFRED LYTTELTON might perhaps have +contented herself with writing a formal biography of her husband. It would +have been difficult for her, but she might, as I say, have done it. Instead +of this she takes her readers by the hand in the friendliest manner and +admits them with her into the heart and soul of the man with whom she was +for twenty years associated. She shows him as what he was, a noble and +upright English gentleman, straightforward and tender-hearted, and beloved +in a quite exceptional measure by all who were privileged to be his +friends. I can only be grateful to Mrs. LYTTELTON for having interpreted +her duty in this manner, and for having carried it out with so sure a hand. +As I read her pages I saw again in my mind's eye the loose-limbed, +curly-headed young son of Anak as he swung down Jesus Lane, Cambridge, or +as he witched the world with noble cricketing at Fenner's or at Lord's. It +is good to be able to remember him. His Eton tutor described him as being +"like a running stream with the sun on it," and there was, indeed, a charm +about him that was irresistible. Mrs. LYTTELTON devotes a beautiful chapter +to the memory of ALFRED'S first wife, LAURA, who died after one short year +of happiness. "She was a flame," says Mrs. LYTTELTON, "beautiful, dancing, +ardent, leaping up from the earth in joyous rapture, touching everyone with +fire as she passed. The wind of life was too fierce for such a spirit--she +could not live in it. Surely it was Love that gathered her." I have only +one little bone to pick, and that not with Mrs. LYTTELTON, but with Lord +MIDLETON, who in a page or two of reminiscences describes as one of +ALFRED'S triumphs at the Bar his appearance as counsel for the Warden of +Morton, Mr. GEORGE BRODRICK. The Warden, having said something offensive +about Mr. DILLON, was hailed before the Parnell Commission for contempt of +court. ALFRED put in an affidavit by the Warden, in which the whole thing +was said to be a joke, and in his speech he chaffed Mr. REID (now Lord +LOREBURN), who was counsel for Mr. DILLON, for being a Scotsman, with a +natural incapacity for seeing a joke. So far Lord MIDLETON; but he omits +Mr. REID'S crushing retort. "Even a Scotsman," said Mr. REID, "may be +pardoned for not seeing a joke which has to be certified by affidavit." + + * * * * * + +Mr. JEFFERY E. JEFFERY has been playing cheerful tricks on the British +public. We must forgive him, because he has for a long time been doing far +worse than that to the Huns; but it is undeniable that in following the +winding trail of his beloved guns we are in no small danger of losing our +sense of direction. This is because along with imaginary tales, some of +them written before August, 1914, when of course he could not fix precisely +the chronology and locality of his fights, he has mixed almost +indiscriminately the record of his own actual experiences during two +distinct phases of the War. Not until the last page does he abandon the +jest to explain--with something of a school-boy grin--just where fact and +fiction meet, and so enable me to recover from my bewilderment and pass on +a word of warning. Once on your guard, however, you will find his story of +the _Servants of the Guns_ (SMITH, ELDER), and more especially the first +half of it (dealing, in diary form, with his recent adventures as an +officer of Artillery--he does not state his present rank), as vivid and +real as anything of the sort you have seen. Field-gun warfare of +to-day--mathematics, telephones and mud--with little more of old-time dash +and jingle than the hope that some to-morrow may revive them in the Great +Pursuit--this is his theme; and above all the loyalty of the gunner to his +guns. Even the story-book part in the middle of the volume speaks of this +finely and movingly; but here and there amongst his personal experiences +comes a passage less consciously composed that tells it even better in the +bareness of a great simplicity. + + * * * * * + +Mr. J.D. BERESFORD'S new story, _House-Mates_ (CASSELL), might be regarded +as an awful warning to young gentlemen seeking bachelor-apartments. +Because, if the hero had been a little more careful about his +fellow-lodgers at No. 73 Keppel Street, he would not, in the first place, +have been defrauded of a large sum of money, or, in the second, have been +involved in a peculiarly revolting murder. (The special hatefulness of this +murder strikes me as rather superfluous. But this by the way.) On the other +hand, of course, he would never have married the heroine, and we should +have missed a very agreeable study of expanding adolescence. This, I take +it, is the real motive of Mr. BERESFORD'S story, as exemplified by his +pleasant introductory metaphor of the chicken and the egg. From the +feminine point of view, indeed, the tale might be not inaptly labelled +"Treatise on Cub-hunting." Anyhow, what with strange actresses and I.D.B. +criminals and painted ladies and reviewers (they _were_ a queer lot at No. +73!) the hero completes his tenancy with enough experience of life, chiefly +on its shadowy side, to last him for some time. An original and rather +appealing story, told with a good deal of charm. + + * * * * * + +I was waiting for it, and now, behold, it has come. In _The Shining +Heights_ (MILLS AND BOON) the War is over and we have to do with some of +the results of it. Unfortunately Miss I.A.R. WYLIE is very chary about +dates, and she is not encouraging about the changes which most of us hope +will come with peace. "Social conditions indeed," she writes, "had scarcely +moved. Universal brotherhood was not ... and, for the vast majority of men +and women it had been easiest to go back to the old work, the old pleasure, +the old love and the old hate." Well, I don't know much about universal +brotherhood, but for the rest I sincerely hope that these gloomy +prognostications are wrong. As for the story, laid in the Delectable Duchy, +no one needs to be told that Miss WYLIE is a novelist of considerable power +and capacity, and here she has chosen a theme of very real interest. It is +the rivalry of two men, one of whom had returned from the War with wounds +and a V.C., while the other had never taken part in it because he believed +(with justification) that he was on the point of making a discovery of +value to humanity. The story is well constructed and well told, but I am +beginning to think that it is time for Cornwall to be declared a prohibited +area for all novelists except Mr. CHARLES MARRIOTT and "Q." + + * * * * * + +Yet more theatrical recollections. The latest volume of them is _My +Remembrances_ (CASSELL), in which Mr. EDWARD H. SOTHERN recounts, with the +pleasant humour to be expected from him, what he quaintly (and quite +unjustifiably) calls "The Melancholy Tale of Me." One has heard that Mr. +SOTHERN, now that he has retired from the stage, proposes to live in +England; the book explains such an intention by its evidence of the +writer's intense love for this country. Naturally he has a rich stock of +good stories, amongst which I was delighted to welcome yet once again that +old favourite about the departing spectator who, on being told that two +Acts remained to be performed, said briefly, "That's why I'm going!" Newer +(to me) was the _Dundreary_ tale that told how the elder SOTHERN'S triumph +was actually the result of JEFFERSON'S partiality for horse-exercise. The +connection I leave you to find out. Like all volumes of its kind, _My +Remembrances_ abounds in photographs. At times, indeed, you may be tempted +to consider that the domain of the family portrait album has been too +largely usurped. But there is even about this a friendliness which, coupled +with the brisk style of its writing, will give the book a popularity as +wide as that of its author. + + * * * * * + +We all know that Mr. WILLIAM CAINE has a gay humour, and he indulges it +liberally, sometimes rollickingly, in _The Fan_. With a candour which I +warmly commend he states conspicuously that most of these stories have +appeared before, and he expresses his acknowledgments to various Editors +over a widish range--from _Macmillan's Magazine_ to _London Opinion_, and +from _The English Review_ to _Answers_. It would be an innocent diversion +to have to guess which story was written for which Editor. But for whatever +public the author caters he is, with only one or two exceptions, out for +fun, and he gets it. Some of his stories are pure extravaganzas, but they +are written in a style unusually good for this kind, and by a very shrewd +observer of human foibles. Messrs. METHUEN tell us that Mr. CAINE "views +life from an angle all his own," and although I do not often find myself in +agreement with publishers' opinions of their own wares it is to me a right +angle. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ECONOMIC ERA. + +PROVIDE YOUR OWN WATER SUPPLY AND RELEASE A WATER-RATE COLLECTOR.] + + * * * * * + + "THE FOOD HOARDERS THREATENED. + + NOT MORE THAN 1 TON OF COAL AT A TIME."--_Daily News._ + +Then, as the vulgar have it, the food-hoarders will just have to go and eat +coke. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, March 28, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14856.txt or 14856.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/5/14856/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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