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diff --git a/14856-h/14856-h.htm b/14856-h/14856-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e4d3f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14856-h/14856-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3060 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=us-ascii" /> + + <title>Punch, March 28th, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .author {margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +March 28, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 28, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 1, 2005 [EBook #14856] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>March 28th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" + id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/189.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189.png" + alt="AS I WAS A-SAYIN', BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Torpedoed mine-sweeper</i> (<i>to his pal</i>). "AS I + WAS A-SAYIN', BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED, IT'S MY BELIEF + AS 'OW THE SUBMARINE BLOKES AIN'T ON 'ARF AS RISKY A JOB AS + THE BOYS IN THE AIRY-O-PLANES."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Charged at Kingston with being an absentee from military + service, a man of retiring habits stated that he did not know + the country was at war. When told that we were fighting the + Germans he was greatly interested.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Hamburg hotel-keepers have decided to abolish the + practice of charging more for food in cases where wine or beer + are not consumed. The reason given—that there was no wine + or beer to be consumed—is so trivial that a deeper motive + may well be suspected.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"That is how we lawyers live, because lay-men have such + queer ideas," said Judge CLUER in a recent case. Nevertheless, + the view that lawyers shouldn't be allowed to live is not + without its ardent supporters.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>The Manchester Guardian</i> has issued an "Empire + number." It is pleasant to know that all differences between + the Empire and our contemporary, due to the former's + ill-advised participation in the War, have been satisfactorily + adjusted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Events have happened so swiftly of late that up to the time + of going to press a contemporary had not decided who should be + "<i>The Man who Dined with the Tsar</i>."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Virginia-creepers are recommended by a contemporary as a + "tasty vegetable." In one large house where the experiment was + tried they were pronounced to be quite all right on the second + floor, but rather tough in the basement.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The businesses of Southgate men called to the colours are + being conducted by a committee. Small sons of those absent + fathers are going very warily until they have ascertained + exactly how far the powers of the committee extend.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Writing on the German retreat Major MORAHT says: "Only a + personality like that of Marshal von Hindenburg could give + proofs of so great an initiative." Possibly he has never heard + of the Dukes of York and Plaza Toro.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A boy of eleven charged with the theft of clothes is said to + have stolen the notebook of the policeman who arrested him. His + first idea was to pinch his captor's whistle, but he rejected + this plan on finding that the policeman was attached to it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Russian soldiers under the new <i>régime</i> will be + allowed to smoke in the streets, travel inside trains, visit + clubs and attend political meetings. There is a very strong + rumour that they will also be allowed to go on fighting.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A ten-months-old boy at Prescot, Lancashire, has been called + up for military service. It is, however, authoritatively stated + that this is merely a precautionary measure on the part of the + War Office, and will not necessarily apply to other men in the + same class.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Bromley gentleman is advertising for a chauffeur "to drive + Ford car out of cab-yard." Kindness is a great thing in cases + of this sort, and we suggest trying to entice it out with a + piece of cheese.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"You have lost the privilege of serving on the last grand + jury during the War," said the judge at the London Sessions + last week to a shipowner who arrived at the court late. We + understand that the poor fellow broke down and sobbed + bitterly.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Nearly every Russian newspaper contains congratulatory + references to Free Russia, and poets are busy composing verses + on the same theme. It is this latter item which is said to be + keeping the Germans from having a similar revolution.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that the new "No Smoking near Magazines" + enactment is profoundly resented in editorial circles.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>To fill the gap which will be left in the ranks of + Parliamentary humorists by the retirement of Mr. JOSEPH KING, + M.P., who has decided not to seek re-election, the Variety + Artistes Federation have nominated a candidate for the Brixton + Division.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"On whatever day you sow your wheat," says Miss MARIE + CORELLI, "you cannot stop its growing on Sundays." Mr. HALL + CAINE has not yet spoken on this point, and his silence is + regarded as significant.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Incidentally we are not so sure that you cannot stop wheat + growing on Sundays. There is good precedent for plucking its + ears on the Sabbath, and that ought to stop it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The KAISER, it appears, is much annoyed at the CROWN PRINCE + and the way he has mis-managed so many brilliant opportunities. + It is even suggested in some quarters that the KAISER has + threatened, if LITTLE WILLIE does not improve, to abdicate in + his favour.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A respectably dressed man was recently arrested for behaving + in a strange manner in Downing Street. Others have done the + same thing before now, but have escaped the notice of the + police by doing it indoors.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>With reference to the taxi-cab which stopped in the Strand + the other day when hailed by a pedestrian, a satisfactory + explanation is to hand. It had broken down.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" + id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/190.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/190.png" + alt="A FINE VOICE, YON LASSIE." /></a> + + <p><i>Overheard by a distinguished singer, who has just + concluded the first of two Scotch ballads.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jock (to his neighbour).</i> "A FINE VOICE, YON + LASSIE. I'VE HEARD WORSE AN' PAID FOR IT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO PARIS BY THE "HINDENBURG LINE."</h2> + + <p class="center">A TEUTON TRIBUTE TO THE ORGANISER OF + VICTORY.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That man at dawn should certainly be shot</p> + + <p class="i2">For being such a liar,</p> + + <p>Who says that you, my HINDENBURG, are not</p> + + <p>As high as our All-Highest, mate of GOTT</p> + + <p class="i2">(Or even slightly higher).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Stout thruster, in the push you have no peer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Yet more supremely brilliant</p> + + <p>This crowning stroke of progress toward the + rear,</p> + + <p>This strong recoil from which with heartened + cheer</p> + + <p class="i2">We hope to bound resilient.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Lo! the creative spirit's vital spark!</p> + + <p class="i2">None but a genius, <i>we</i> say,</p> + + <p>Would make his onset backward in the dark</p> + + <p>Or choose this route for getting at the Arc</p> + + <p class="i2">De Triomphe (Champs Elysées).</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor to your care for detail are we blind;</p> + + <p class="i2">Your handiwork we view in</p> + + <p>The reeking waste our warriors leave behind;</p> + + <p>We read the motions of a master-mind</p> + + <p class="i2">In that red trail of ruin.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And not alone by yonder blackened beams,</p> + + <p class="i2">By garth and homestead burning,</p> + + <p>You put the sanguine enemy off your schemes,</p> + + <p>Who gaily follows up and never dreams</p> + + <p class="i2">That we'll be soon returning;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But by these speaking signs of godly hate,</p> + + <p class="i2">This ruthless ravage + (<i>prosit!</i>),</p> + + <p>You teach a barbarous world how truly great</p> + + <p>Our German Gospel, and how grim the fate</p> + + <p class="i2">Of people who oppose it!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then praised be Heaven because we cannot fail</p> + + <p class="i2">With HINDENBURG to boss us;</p> + + <p>And for each hearth stript naked to the gale</p> + + <p>Let grateful homage plug another nail</p> + + <p class="i2">In your superb colossus.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">O.S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>RATIONS.</h2> + + <p>As I said to John, I can bear anger and sarcasm—but + contempt, not. Binny and Joe are our cats, and the most + pampered of pets. Every day, when our meals were served, there + was spread upon the carpet a newspaper, on which Binny and Joe + would trample, clamouring, until a plate containing their + substantial portion was laid down: after which we were free to + proceed with our own meal.</p> + + <p>Then came the paralysing shock of Lord DEVONPORT'S ration + announcement, in which no mention is made of cats. Binny and + Joe looked at one another in consternation over their porridge + as I read aloud his statement from the newspaper at + breakfast.</p> + + <p>When I came in to luncheon I had a letter in my hand and + accidentally dropped the envelope. Paper of any kind upon the + carpet is associated in Binny's mind with the advent of food. + Straightway he thudded from his arm-chair and sat down upon the + envelope. You will notice that I speak above of Binny and Joe. + I do so instinctively, because, though Binny is only half Joe's + age of one year, somehow he always occurs everywhere before + Joe. Joe was lying on the same arm-chair, and the same idea + struck him too; but Binny got there first and continued sitting + on the envelope, until, for very shame, I asked Ann, the maid, + to spread a newspaper and try them with potato and gravy. They + looked at it and then at me, and then, without tasting, walked + off and began their usual after-luncheon ablutions of mouth, + face and paws. But, as I have said, I can endure sarcasm.</p> + + <p>The next day, just before luncheon, a mass of sparrow + feathers was found on the hall-mat. The second day there were + feathers of a blackbird. And the third day, when I came down to + breakfast, I found a few thrush feathers carelessly left under + the breakfast-room table. I began to search my mind, anxiously + wondering whether any of my near neighbours kept chickens.</p> + + <p>But the matter was settled that night. When the dinner-gong + sounded, Binny and Joe rose from their arm-chair, looked at the + vegetarian dishes now adorning a board which had been wont to + send up savoury meaty steams (fish in these parts has become a + rarity almost unprocurable, and we had exhausted our allowance + of meat at luncheon, which we had taken at a restaurant), and + then, with noses in the air and tails erect, stalked haughtily + to the drawing-room, and there remained until dinner was + finished.</p> + + <p>So now the butcher leaves two pennorth of lights at my door + regularly. He assures me that Lord DEVONPORT won't mind as it + is not strictly human food.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" + id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/191.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/191.png" + alt="THE INVADERS." /></a> + + <h3>THE INVADERS.</h3> + + <p class="center">"I SUPPOSE OLD HINDENBURG KNOWS WHAT HE'S + ABOUT?"</p> + + <p class="center">"ANYHOW, EVERY STEP TAKES US NEARER THE + FATHERLAND."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page192" + id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <p class="center">LVIII.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,—Recent events calling for strong + comment, I turned to my friend, my brick-red friend who is able + to retain his well-fed prosperous look notwithstanding the + rigours of trench life, Rrobert James McGrregor. I took a map + with me and, calling his attention to the general position, + asked him what about it? McGregor, as you may guess, is a Scot, + whose national sense of economy seems to have spread to his + uniform, in that the cap he wears covers but a third-part of + his head, and his tunic (which I ought really not to call a + tunic but a service jacket) appears to have exhausted itself + and its material at the fourth button. Notwithstanding all + this, I attach great weight to his truculent views, and, the + better to incite him into something outright, addressed him in + My best Scottish, which is, at any rate, as good as his best + English. "Rrrrrobert," I said, "what like is the VON HINDENBURG + line?" Whereupon McGregor, helping himself to our mess whisky + and cursing it as the vilest production of this vile War, spoke + out.</p> + + <p>McGregor has no respect whatever for HINDENBURG or anything + which is his. He says that HINDENBURG and his crew have all + along taken the line which any man could, but no gentleman + would. In HINDENBURG he sees the personification of Prussian + militarism, and for the Prussians and their militarism he has + no use whatsoever. I forget what exactly is the Highland phrase + for "no use whatsoever," but its meaning is even worse than its + sound, and the sound of it alone is terrible to hear. Whatever + befalls in the interval, it is certain that when at last + McGregor and HINDENBURG meet they will not get on well + together.</p> + + <p>McGregor hates militarism. It is entirely inconsistent with + his wild ideas of liberty. As such he is determined to do it + down on all occasions and by every means. Not only is he a + Scot, he is also a barrister of the most pronounced type. Brief + him in your cause, and provided it is not a mean one he will + set out to lay flat the whole earth, if need be, in its + defence. He will overwhelm opposing counsel with the mere + ferocity of his mien; he will overbear the Judge himself with + the mere power of his lungs, and he will carry you through to a + verdict with the mere momentum of his loyal support. Once he + has made a cause his own, no other cause can survive the terror + of his bushy eyebrows and his flaring face. He is a caged lion, + but he does not grow thin or wasted in captivity. As ever, he + grows stout and strong on his own enthusiasms. The cage will + not hold much longer. Heaven be praised, it's HINDENBURG and + not me he's taken a dislike to.</p> + + <p>He loathes militarism. Having waited nearly thirty years for + a fight, it's himself is overjoyed that he has Prussian + militarism for the victim of his murderous designs. To this end + he has become a soldier, such a bloodthirsty soldier as never + was before and never will be again. The thoroughness of it, for + an anti-militarist, is almost appalling. The click of his heels + and the shine of his buttons frighten me. His salute is such + that even the most deserving General must pause and ask himself + if it is humanly possible to merit such respect as it + indicates. No man, even upon the most legitimate instance, may + venture, in the presence of the dangerous McGregor, the + slightest criticism of the British Army or of anything remotely + appertaining thereto. He will not even permit a sly dig, in a + quiet corner, at the Staff.</p> + + <p>Nevertheless McGregor hates, loathes and detests militarism. + His convictions are quite clear and convincing. Soldiers are + one thing; militarists are another. Rrobert James McGrregor, + for the moment at least, is by the grace of God and the + generosity of His Majesty a soldier. That creature HINDENBURG + is a militarist. Quite so, I agreed; but then what about the + line? He helped himself to some more whisky, showing that he + could forgive anybody anything except a Prussian his + militarism, and said he was coming to that. But first as to + HINDENBURG.</p> + + <p>The man represents his type and is, says McGregor, a mere + bully. He has become a bully because he could succeed as + nothing else. Given peace, it is doubtful if he could get and + keep the job of errand-boy in a second-rate butcher's shop. + Lacking the intelligence or spirit to succeed normally, he has + not the decency to live quietly in the cheaper suburbs of + Berlin and let other people do it. Flourish they must, + HINDENBURG and his lot, and so the world is at war to keep + their end up.</p> + + <p>Now, says McGregor, it is undoubtedly sinful to fight, but + he can't help half forgiving those whose desire to have a round + is such that they must needs cause the bothers. But do I + suppose that HINDENBURG ever wanted to fight, ever meant or + ever means to do it? Not he; and that is why the War goes on + and on and on. We've got to work through all the other Germans, + says he, before we'll get to their militarists, who are all + alive and doing nicely, thank you, behind. When we are getting + near the throat of the first of them then the War will end.</p> + + <p>McGregor cannot bring himself to detest all the Bosches. + After all, he says, they do stick it out, and their very + stupidity makes some call on his generosity. But HINDENBURG, he + is convinced, never stuck anything out, except snubs from his + competitor, WILHELM, in the course of his uprising career; he + makes no call on anybody's generosity, taking everything he + wants, including (says McGregor) the best cigars. Without ever + having studied them closely, McGregor has the most precise + ideas of HINDENBURG'S daily life and habits. He is quite sure + he smokes all day the most expensive cigars, without paying for + them or removing the bands. He rose, says McGregor, by artifice + combined with ostentation. While his good soldiers were + studying their musketry, he was practising ferocious + expressions before his glass. If he ever did get mixed up in a + real battle (which McGregor doubts) he was undoubtedly last in + and first out. However it may appear in print, his military + career would not bear close scrutiny; for that reason McGregor + does not propose to scrutinise it. And as for his indomitable + will, he sees nothing to admire in the man's persistence, + since, when he stops persisting, he'll become ungummed and, at + the best, forgotten.</p> + + <p>So said McGregor, and when I besought him to come to the + point, he said he'd dealt with it, and if I had any sympathy + left for HINDENBURG or his line I was no better than a + slave-driving, sit-at-home-and-push-others-over-the-parapet + Prussian militarist myself. As for the map, it didn't matter in + the least where HINDENBURG took his old line to, since wherever + in Europe it endeavoured to conceal itself his own little line + would scent it out and follow it. And if the HINDENBURG line + was more than two hundred miles long and the Rrobert James + McGrregor line less than two hundred yards, still it didn't + matter; for when a Scot takes a dislike to somebody, that + somebody's number is up.</p> + + <p>McGregor didn't say that last, but he looked it.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours ever,</p> + + <p class="author">HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/192.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192.png" + alt="AWEEL, IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE." /></a> + + <p><i>McTavish (purchasing paper of posterless + newsboy).</i> "AWEEL, IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE,' BUT AH'LL + RISK IT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>"Frightfulness" in England.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Boys wanted for Kicking. ——— Stamping + Works."—<i>Midland Evening News.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="center">"'THE MAGIC FLUTE.'</p> + + <blockquote> + One ingenious commentator has suggested that the opera has + some basis in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' Sarastro is + Prospero, Pamina Miranda, Tamino Ferdinand, and perhaps + Monostatos Caliban."—<i>Glasgow Herald.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>The fact that these Shakespeare characters all occur in "The + Tempest" enhances the ingenuity of the suggestion.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The biggest fire in living memory occurred in Chapelhall + on Monday morning, when the Roman Catholic School was + partly destroyed along with the recreation rooms, damage + amounting to £2,000."—<i>Scotch Local + Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>The parish pump was probably out of order when this + unparalleled conflagration occurred; but is seems to be at work + again now.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" + id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/193.png" + alt="MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME OF OLD TOP-HATS." /> + </a> "MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME + OF OLD TOP-HATS." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO MY GODSON.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>Aged six weeks.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Small bundle, enveloped in laces,</p> + + <p class="i2">For whom I stood sponsor last week,</p> + + <p>When you slept, with the pinkest of faces,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never emitted a squeak;</p> + + <p>Though vain is the task of illuming</p> + + <p class="i2">The Future's inscrutable scroll,</p> + + <p>I cannot refrain from assuming</p> + + <p class="i2">A semi-prophetical <i>rôle</i>,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I predict that in paths Montessorian</p> + + <p class="i2">Your infantile steps will be led,</p> + + <p>And with modes which are Phrygian and Dorian</p> + + <p class="i2">Your musical appetite fed;</p> + + <p>You'll be taught how to dance by a Russian,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Eurhythmics" you'll learn from a + Swiss,</p> + + <p>How not to behave like a Prussian—</p> + + <p class="i2">No teaching is needed for this!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will you learn Esperanto at Eton?</p> + + <p class="i2">Or, if Eton by then is suppressed,</p> + + <p>Be sent to grow apples or wheat on</p> + + <p class="i2">A ranche in the ultimate West?</p> + + <p>Will you aim at a modern diploma</p> + + <p class="i2">In civics or commerce or stinks?</p> + + <p>Inhale the Wisconsin aroma</p> + + <p class="i2">Or think as the Humanist thinks?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Will you learn to play tennis from COVEY</p> + + <p class="i2">Or model your stroke on JAY GOULD?</p> + + <p>Will you play the piano like TOVEY</p> + + <p class="i2">Or by gramophone records be schooled?</p> + + <p>Will you golf, or will golfing be banished</p> + + <p class="i2">To answer the needs of the plough,</p> + + <p>And links from the landscape have vanished</p> + + <p class="i2">To pasture the sheep and the cow?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your taste in the region of letters</p> + + <p class="i2">I only can dimly foresee,</p> + + <p>But guess that from metrical fetters</p> + + <p class="i2">The verse you'll affect must be free;</p> + + <p>And I shan't be surprised or astounded</p> + + <p class="i2">If your generation rebels</p> + + <p>Against adulation unbounded</p> + + <p class="i2">Of MASEFIELD and BENNETT and WELLS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Upholding ancestral tradition</p> + + <p class="i2">Your uncle has booked you at Lord's,</p> + + <p>But I doubt if you'll sate your ambition</p> + + <p class="i2">Athletic on well-levelled swards;</p> + + <p>No, I rather opine that you'll follow</p> + + <p class="i2">The lead that we owe to the WRIGHTS,</p> + + <p>And soar like the eagle or swallow</p> + + <p class="i2">On far and adventurous flights.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But no matter—in joy and affliction,</p> + + <p class="i2">In seasons of failure or fame,</p> + + <p>I cherish the certain conviction</p> + + <p class="i2">You'll never dishonour your name;</p> + + <p>For the love of the mother that bore you,</p> + + <p class="i2">The life and the death of your sire</p> + + <p>Will shine as a lantern before you,</p> + + <p class="i2">To guide and exalt and inspire.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Life's Little Ironies.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Ever-ready Safety Razor, strop, outfit, 12 blades, new; + exchange something useful."—<i>The Model Engineer and + Electrician.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The marriage of Captain ——, Grenadier Guards, + to Miss —— was a very quiet affair, and not + more than a score of people attended the ceremony at St. + Andrew's, Wells-street, during the + week.—<i>Observer.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Quiet, perhaps, but unusually protracted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>How it Happened.</h4> + + <p>From a publisher's advt.:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"NEW NOVELS</p> + + <p> </p> + + <p class="i2">THE HISTORY OF AN ATTRACTION</p> + + <p class="i2">HE LOOKED IN MY WINDOW."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Collectors of coincidences will not fail to notice that what + the papers call "The Great Allied Sweep" in France was + contemporaneous with the arrival of General SMUTS in + England.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h2> + + <p class="center">IV.</p> + + <p class="center">THE HUNGER-STRIKE.</p> + + <p>"Did you hear that?" cried the white hen.</p> + + <p>"What?" asked all the other hens.</p> + + <p>"He called us—cluck-cluck-cluck," said the white + hen.</p> + + <p>"Why shouldn't he?" asked all the other hens.</p> + + <p>"I didn't mean he called us 'cluck-cluck-cluck,'" said the + white hen hastily. "I was only choking with rage when I said + that. He called us—cluck-cluck-cluck—"</p> + + <p>"She's going to lay an egg," said the black hen with + interest.</p> + + <p>"Poultry!" screamed the white hen suddenly.</p> + + <p>"Poultry?" gasped the other hens.</p> + + <p>"Poultry!—he called us 'poultry'—oh, + cluck-cluck-cluck—"</p> + + <p>"Something must be done," said the yellow hen.</p> + + <p>"Something must be done," repeated all the hens.</p> + + <p>"We must have a hunger-strike till he apologises," said the + thin hen importantly.</p> + + <p>"But we shall be hungry," cried all the hens.</p> + + <p>"That is the essence of a hunger-strike," said the thin + hen.</p> + + <p>Just then the keeper arrived with food for the fowls.</p> + + <p>"We mustn't run to him," they said to one another. "It's a + hunger-strike, you know."</p> + + <p>Suddenly the fat hen began running to him.</p> + + <p>"Come back; it's a hunger-strike, you know!" cried the + hens.</p> + + <p>"I have an idea," shouted the fat hen as she ran; "the more + we eat the longer we shall hold out."</p> + + <p>"So we shall," cried all the hens as they scurried after the + fat one.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" + id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/194.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/194.png" + alt="WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" /></a> <i>Officer (to + applicant for War-work).</i> "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" + + + <i>Ex-flapper.</i> "CISSIE" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FAVORITE.</h2> + + <p>Some people would die rather than talk aloud in a 'bus; + others would rather die than hold their peace there. This + second kind is more fun, and four of it made part of my journey + the other day from Victoria to Oxford Street (I forget the + number of the 'bus, but it goes up Bond Street) much less + tedious. They were all young women in the latest teens or the + earliest twenties, and all were what is called well-to-do, and + they were fluent talkers.</p> + + <p>Years ago, when poor LEWIS WALLER was at the height of his + fame, we used to hear of a real or fictitious "Waller Club," + the members of which were young women who spent as much time as + they could in visiting his theatre and rejoicing in the sight + of his brave gestures and the sound of his vibrant voice. It + was even said that they had a badge by which they could know + each other; although on the face of it, judging by what sparse + scraps of information concerning the nature of woman I have + been able painfully to collect, I should say that segregation + would be, in such a case as this, more to their taste.</p> + + <p>Be that true or only invented, it is very clear that in + spite of the War and its shattering way with so many ancient + shibboleths the cult of the actor is still strong; for this is + the kind of thing that lasted all the way from Hyde Park Corner + to Vere Street:—</p> + + <p>"Did you see him the other day in that ballet? Of course I + knew he could dance, because he can do everything, but I never + thought he was going to be so gloriously graceful as he + was."</p> + + <p>"But surely you ought to have known. Don't you remember him + as the Prince at the LORD MAYOR'S Ball?"</p> + + <p>"And what a wonderful figure he has!"</p> + + <p>"I couldn't help wishing that he had only stained his legs + instead of putting on red tights."</p> + + <p>"My dear!!!"</p> + + <p>"It's his grace that's the wonderful thing about him, I + always think. His ease. He moves so—how shall I put + it?—so, well, so easily and gracefully."</p> + + <p>"Don't you love him when he stands with his hands in his + pockets?"</p> + + <p>"My dear, yes. But what a wonderful tailor he goes to. I + always used to tell my brother to try and find out where his + things were made and go to the same place."</p> + + <p>"But of course it's the way clothes are worn much more than + the clothes themselves. I mean, some men can never look well + dressed, whereas others can look well in anything."</p> + + <p>"But he does go to the best tailor, I'm sure."</p> + + <p>"How many times have you seen this new piece?"</p> + + <p>"Six."</p> + + <p>"Only six! I've seen it eleven."</p> + + <p>"I've seen it three times."</p> + + <p>"I've seen it five times; but one of those doesn't count, + because when we got there we found he was ill with chicken-pox. + Wasn't that rotten luck?"</p> + + <p>"I heard he had been ill, but I didn't know what it was. Was + it really chicken-pox?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, poor darling."</p> + + <p>"Fancy him having a thing like that! I suppose it's part of + the price of keeping so young."</p> + + <p>"Oh, yes, isn't he young!"</p> + + <p>"They say this thing's going to run for years."</p> + + <p>"I hope not. I want to see him in something new. It's so + wonderful how he's always the same and yet always + different."</p> + + <p>"I want him to be in every play. I never go to one without + thinking how much better he would be than the other leading + man."</p> + + <p>"I saw that little what's-his-name imitate him the other + evening. Really it's rather a shame."</p> + + <p>"Yes, I've seen it. I couldn't help laughing, but I hated + myself for it. I'm sure, too, he doesn't waggle his head like + that."</p> + + <p>"No! I couldn't see the point of that at all; but the people + shrieked."</p> + + <p>"Pooh, they'd laugh at anything."</p> + + <p>"What did you like him best of all in?"</p> + + <p>"That's difficult. Of course he was priceless as the + policeman. But then he was priceless as the American too, in + that thing before this."</p> + + <p>"Well, I think—"</p> + + <p>And so on. Except that I never mention his name, and I have + suppressed the titles of the plays, this is practically an + exact reproduction of the conversation. Naturally many of the + sentences overlapped, for ladies no less than gentlemen often + talk at the same time; but otherwise I have reported + faithfully.</p> + + <p>And who was the subject of these eulogies? You will guess at + once when I say that he is probably the only actor in history + who is referred to more often by his Christian name only than + by his surname or full name. These young women who adored + WALLER spoke of him not as LEWIS, but as LEWIS WALLER; and that + is the usual custom. The divine SARAH is perhaps the only other + histrion, and she is a woman, who may be spoken of simply as + SARAH, with no risk of ambiguity. Ordinarily, as I say, we use + either the surname only or the surname and Christian name + combined, as ELLEN TERRY, VIOLET LORAINE, GEORGE GRAVES, GEORGE + ROBEY, LESLIE HENSON, NELSON KEYS. But these four devotees + referred to their hero always as GERALD; just GERALD.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" + id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/195.png" + alt="Mr. Punch's Navy Pages" /></a> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" + id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/196a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/196a.png" + alt="ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT AND I SHALL DO AS I LIKE." /> + </a> <i>Gallant Major (temporarily in the care of + H.M.'s Navy).</i> "ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT + AND—I SHALL DO AS I LIKE." + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/196b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/196b.png" + alt="KAMERAD! KAMERAD!" /></a> + + <p><i>Survivor from U-Boat.</i> "KAMERAD! KAMERAD! IF I VOS + ON LAND I VOS HOLD UP MEIN HANDS!"</p> + + <p><i>Ordinary Seaman.</i> "WELL, YOUR FEET 'LL DO + INSTEAD."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" + id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/197a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197a.png" + alt="GIVE US YER KNIFE." /></a> + + <p><i>A.B.</i> "GIVE US YER + KNIFE." + <i>Boy.</i> "AIN'T GOT IT."</p> + + <p><i>A.B. (with bitter scorn of non-essentials).</i> "GOT + YER WRIST-WATCH ALL RIGHT, I S'POSE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/197b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/197b.png" + alt="I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER, DID I?" /></a> + + <p><i>Apollo.</i> "I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER—DID + I?"</p> + + <p><i>Neptune.</i> "NO. BUT YOU WAS TRYIN' ON ONE OF YER + FASCINATIN' LOOKS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" + id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/198a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/198a.png" + alt="ECHOES FROM JUTLAND." /></a> + + <h3>ECHOES FROM JUTLAND.</h3><i>Wine Steward (acting as one + of Ammunition Supply Party).</i> "WILL YOU TAKE LYDDITE OR + SHRAPNEL, SIR?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/198b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/198b.png" + alt="SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT." /></a> + + <h3>SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT.</h3><i>Commander (as the black he + has tried to pot threatens to touch the port cushion).</i> + "LIST HER TO STARBOARD!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" + id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/199.png" + alt="THE DAMNÉD SPOT." /></a> + + <h3>THE "DAMNÉD SPOT."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page200" + id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/200a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/200a.png" + alt="YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE." /></a> + + <p>"YOU OUGHT REALLY TO MANAGE TO GET BLOWN TO BITS + SOMEHOW, NOBBY. YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/200b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/200b.png" + alt="HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG." /></a> + + <p>"HEY, DONAL'! HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG."</p> + + <p>"OCH! A WISH IT MICHT BE A U-BOAT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" + id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/201a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201a.png" + alt="I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM THE SEA." /></a> + + <p><i>Old Lady.</i> "PARDON ME! I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME + FROM THE SEA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I'VE HAD TO PAY A PENNY + MORE FOR SCALLOPS TO-DAY?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/201b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/201b.png" + alt="WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR?" /></a> + + <p><i>Landlord.</i> "WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR? + WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT SOME COALS ON?"</p> + + <p><i>Stoker.</i> "NOT LIKELY! I'M ON LEAVE, I AM."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" + id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/202a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202a.png" + alt="OFF TO ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?" /></a> + + <p><i>Friend.</i> "SEE YOU'RE IN A HURRY. WON'T KEEP YOU. + OFF TO ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?"</p> + + <p><i>Sub-Lieutenant H.M.S. "Unbendable."</i> "NOT EXACTLY. + FACT IS I'M DUE AT MME. GIROUETTE'S ACADEMY. STRUCK AGAINST + A COUPLE OF NEW STEPS IN THE FOX TROT AT THE PILKINGTONS' + LAST NIGHT—RATHER WORRIED ME. BYE-BYE. MUST SHOVE + OFF!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/202b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/202b.png" + alt="I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW." /></a> <i>Apologetic + Golfer.</i> "I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW." + + <i>Sailor.</i> "WELL, YOU'VE HIT ME AFT!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" + id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/203a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203a.png" + alt="BEEN OUT IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?" /></a> + <i>Tar (by way of opening the conversation).</i> + "AHEM! BEEN OUT IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?" + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/203b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/203b.png" + alt="WELL, IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL HAVE TO BE THE NAVY." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Jones (who in going through his wardrobe has + unearthed a memento of happier days at Margate).</i> "WELL, + IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL + HAVE TO BE THE NAVY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" + id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/204a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204a.png" + alt="FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT SOME EXPRESSION INTO IT!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>The Artist (impatiently).</i> "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT + SOME EXPRESSION INTO IT! JUST IMAGINE YOU'VE COME THROUGH A + TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE—SHIP TORPEDOED—YOU SOLE + SURVIVOR. AFTER CLINGING TO A BELAYING-PIN NINETEEN HOURS + IN THE OPEN SEA YOU ARE RESCUED AT THE LAST GASP. YOU ARE + NOW RELATING YOUR ADVENTURES TO YOUR AGED PARENTS."</p> + + <p><i>Model (obligingly).</i> "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, + SIR—I CAN MANAGE IT. BUT EXCUSE ME. DID YOU SAY + EIGHTEEN HOURS, OR WAS IT NINETEEN?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/204b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/204b.png" + alt="MADAM, I WAS EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS." /> + </a> <i>King Alfred (founder of the Navy).</i> "MADAM, I + WAS EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" + id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + + <h2>"LET HER GO!"</h2> + + <p class="center">A TRAMP CHANTEY.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go);</p> + + <p>They built 'er cheap an' they scamped 'er sore,</p> + + <p>'Er rivets was putty, 'er plates was poor,</p> + + <p>And then come in the PLIMSOLL line</p> + + <p>Or I wouldn't be singin' this song o' mine.</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She was cranky an' foul, she was stubborn an' + slow</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go),</p> + + <p>An' she shipped it green when it come on to + blow;</p> + + <p>'Er crews was starved an' their wage was low,</p> + + <p>An 'er bloomin' owners was ready to faint</p> + + <p>At a scrape o' pitch or a penn'orth o' paint.</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But she's been 'ere an' she's been there</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go),</p> + + <p>An' she's been almost everywhere;</p> + + <p>An' wherever you went you'd sure see <i>'er</i>,</p> + + <p>With 'er rust-red hawse an' 'er battered old + funnel,</p> + + <p>All muck an' dirt from 'er keel to 'er gun'le.</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>She's earned 'er keep in a number o' climes</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go);</p> + + <p>She's changed 'er name a number o' times,</p> + + <p>Which won't fit right into these 'ere rhymes,</p> + + <p>But the name of 'er now is the <i>Sound o' + Mull</i>,</p> + + <p>Built on the Tyne an' sails out of 'Ull.</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go),</p> + + <p>An' a breaker's price was 'er price before</p> + + <p>The ships was scarce an' the freights did soar;</p> + + <p>But she's fetched 'er fourteen pound a ton</p> + + <p>On the Baltic Exchange since the War begun.</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So she's doin' 'er bit, which we all must do</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go),</p> + + <p>An' whether she's old or whether she's new</p> + + <p>Don't make much odds to a war-time crew,</p> + + <p>But 'ooever's sunk or 'ooever's drowned,</p> + + <p>The <i>Sound o' Mull</i> keeps pluggin' around.</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>An' when she goes, by night or by day</p> + + <p class="i8">(Let 'er go—let 'er go),</p> + + <p>Either up or down, as she likely may,</p> + + <p>I only 'ope as someone'll say:</p> + + <p>"'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four;</p> + + <p>She done 'er best an' she couldn't do more;</p> + + <p>She warn't no swell an' she warn't no beauty,</p> + + <p>But she come by 'er end in the way of 'er duty."</p> + + <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">C. F. S.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/205.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205.png" + alt="THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR ENDS?" /> + </a> + + <p>"THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR + ENDS, JACK?"</p> + + <p>"NO FEAR! IT SAYS 'ERE THAT 'INDENBURG'S TAKEN ALL THE + ABLE-BODIED AN' PUT 'EM ON TO WORK OF NATIONAL + IMPORTANCE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE POULTICE.</h2> + + <p>Call this cold? You orter been with me in '63, when I was + whalin' in the North Atlantic. I was steward on the <i>Ella + Wheeler</i>, 6,000 tons, out from New Caledonia. Our skipper + was a reg'lar old bluenose, and some Tartar, I <i>don't</i> + think! Why, 'e'd lay yer out sooner than look at yer; an' once + 'e put the cook in irons for two days 'cos the poor devil 'ad + tumbled up against the side of the galley an' burnt the 'air + off the side of 'is 'ead, and the old man said it was untidy; + and we all 'ad to 'ave cold grub for two days—and in them + latitudes! Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!</p> + + <p>But the worst of it was that we 'ad no doctor on board, and + when anybody took sick the old man insisted on doctorin' 'im + 'isself; and 'e 'ad only one way of treatin' every disease in + the 'orspitals. "Put 'im into 'is bunk," he says, "and wait + till I bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for's chest." + Tooth-ache or chilblains, a pain in yer stummick or + ring-worm—'e always says the same thing, "Put 'im in his + bunk," he says, "and I'll bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for + 's chest." And 'e brought it and put it on with 'is own 'ands + too! There was no gettin' out of it if once 'e 'eard you were + sick. Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!</p> + + <p>There was Pete Malone—'ad a great mop of 'air like a + lion or a musician—must needs go washing one day on deck, + like a fool. It was all right as long as 'e 'ad the 'ot water + and the soapsuds goin'; but 'e give 'is 'ead a rinse, an' stood + up, and, swelpme, before 'e could get the towel to work every + single 'air 'e 'd got 'ad its own private icicle, an' 'is silly + 'ead looked like a silver-plated porkypine.</p> + + <p>Well, as I was saying, we were about a 'undred-and-fifty + mile from the nearest land, which 'ud be the West coast of + Greenland, bearin' about E. by N., when we thought that at last + we were going' to get one back on the old man. It was this way. + One bitter cold night 'e was makin' 'is way aft to turn in, + when 'e slips up where a wave 'ad froze on the deck, an' e' + goes wallop down the 'ole length of the companion, from top to + bottom, an' busts three of 'is ribs. Of course we all ran an' + picked 'im up, an' <i>said</i> we 'oped 'e wasn't much 'urt. + But 'e says, "None of yer jabber, ye swines; 'elp me inter my + bunk, and two of yer bring me a 'ot linseed poultice for my + chest."</p> + + <p>Well, we puts 'im in 'is bunk, and I catches the eye of the + first mate, and we goes out together. "Mick," says I, "'e's + askin' for a 'ot poultice. Lord send there's a good fire in the + galley!" "If there ain't," says Micky to me, "we'll damn'd soon + make one." So we makes a fire such as none of the ship's + company 'ad ever seen; and we gets two buckets of water, one + very near full, and the other about a quarter full, and we soon + 'as 'em both on the boil. Then we makes the poultice in the + drop of water; and when 'e was ready, we gets the grid and puts + it across the top of the other bucket, and lays the poultice on + the grid, and me and the mate picks up the full bucket with two + pair o' tongs, 'olding a torch under 'er to keep 'er at the + boil.</p> + + <p>When the old man saw us 'is face twisted a bit! But talk + about cold! We slapped the poultice on to 'im, and, if you'll + believe me, inside o' ninety seconds the thing 'ad <i>froze + 'ard on 'im</i>, and formed a splint, and—saved 'is life, + blarst 'im!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" + id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/206.png" + alt="SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM." /></a> + + <h3>SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" + id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/207.png" + alt="SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM (PART 2)." /></a> + + <h3>SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" + id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/208a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/208a.png" + alt="THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY ARE FROM ALL THE WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY CIVILISED." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Lieutenant ——, R.N., to Lieutenant + ——, R.N. (they are paying one of those + periodical visits to a lonely island in the South + Pacific).</i> "THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY + ARE FROM ALL THE WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY + CIVILISED."</p> + + <p><i>First Wretched Islander to Second Wretched + Islander.</i> "DOES THIS VISIT INTRIGUE YOU?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/208b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/208b.png" + alt="BRING US 'OME SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS." /> + </a> + + <p>"AND THE LAST THING MY MISSUS SAID TO ME WAS, 'BRING US + 'OME SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" + id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/209a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209a.png" + alt="AND YOU LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?" /></a> + + <p><i>Fond Teuton Parent (to super-tar home on leave).</i> + "AND YOU LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?"</p> + + <p><i>Fritz.</i> "I LOVE HER! SHE'S A WONDER! SUCH SPEED! + WHENEVER WE RACE BACK TO PORT SHE'S BEEN FIRST EVERY + TIME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/209b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209b.png" + alt="WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT MORE MEN FOR THE NAVY." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Karl.</i> "WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT + MORE MEN FOR THE NAVY. WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHERE + ARE THEY TO COME FROM?"</p> + + <p><i>Gretchen.</i> "BE CALM, KARL. DOUBTLESS OUR GLORIOUS + PROFESSORS OF CHEMISTRY WILL INVENT A SUBSTITUTE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" + id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/210.png" + alt="THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE." /></a> + + <h3>THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" + id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/211.png" + alt="THE BREATH OF LIBERTY." /></a> + + <h3>THE BREATH OF LIBERTY.</h3> + + <p>THE GERMAN AUTOCRAT. "THEY MAY FIND THIS WIND VERY + BRACING IN RUSSIA BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL EXTREMELY + UNCOMFORTABLE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page212" + id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, March 19th.</i>—Captain BATHURST announced + that the FOOD CONTROLLER would issue an order fixing the retail + price of swedes at a figure involving a reduction of "something + like 200 per cent." The FOOD CONTROLLER, as his faithful + henchman subsequently remarked, "is always doing his best," but + if he can really reduce the price of a commodity to 100 per + cent. less than nothing I hope he will not confine his activity + to a solitary vegetable.</p> + + <p>I am afraid that envy was the predominant feeling aroused by + Mr. SNOWDEN'S story of the family in New Cavendish Street which + secured in a single order from a single firm no less than + sixty-three pounds of sugar. Lest any Hon. Members should be + tempted to try and do likewise Captain BATHURST promptly + announced that another order prohibiting hoarding would shortly + be issued. The House cheered, for, as a journalist Member + remarked with gloomy satisfaction, "It is only fair that 'no + posters' should be followed by 'no hoarding.'"</p> + + <p>The PRIME MINISTER paid one of his angelic visits to the + House to give the latest information of the revolution in + Russia. His description of it as "one of the landmarks in the + history of the world" evoked loud cheers, but even louder were + those which came from the Nationalist benches when he remarked + that "free peoples are the best defenders of their own + honour."</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, March 20th.</i>—A long cross-examination + of the representative of the Air Board produced one valuable + statement which Members generally might bear in mind. Mr. + BILLING asked if it was not "in the public interest or in the + interests of this House" that certain contracts should be + discussed. Fixing him with his eye-glass, Major BAIRD replied, + "No, the interests of the House and of the public, I take it, + are the same as the interests of the nation."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/212.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/212.png" + alt="DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON CHURCHILL." /> + </a> + + <p>DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON + CHURCHILL.</p> + </div> + + <p>If there was any lingering doubt as to the main + responsibility for the inception—as apart from the + carrying out—of the Dardanelles affair Mr. CHURCHILL + himself must have removed it. Unlike his former chief he + welcomes the publication of the Report, which in his opinion + has shared among a number of eminent personages a burden + formerly borne by himself alone. But his enthusiasm for the + project as it originally formed itself in his fertile brain is + undiminished, and he still marvels that for the want of a + little further sacrifice we should have abandoned the chance of + cutting Turkey out of the War, and uniting in one friendly + federation the States of the Balkans.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, March 21st.</i>—General MAUDE'S + manifesto to the people of Baghdad, with its allusions to the + tyranny under which they had long been suffering, did not + escape the eagle eye of Mr. DEVLIN, ever anxious to scarify + British hypocrisy. So he drafted a long question to the PRIME + MINISTER, embodying the most salient passages of the manifesto. + Much to his disgust it appeared on the Paper without its "most + beautiful and striking passages." The SPEAKER explained that he + had blue-pencilled "a good deal of Oriental and flowery + language not suitable to our Western climate." Not the least + part of the joke is the rumour that the manifesto was largely + the work of a Member of the House well versed in Eastern + lore.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, March 22nd.</i>—The Ministry of National + Service, being unprovided at present with a Parliamentary + Secretary, is supposed to be represented in the House by Mr. + ARTHUR HENDERSON. But as the Member for Barnard Castle has + important functions to perform in the War Cabinet and is rarely + in the House he usually deputes some other Member of the + Government to answer Questions addressed to him. To-day the lot + fell upon Mr. BECK, who good-temperedly explained, when a + shower of "supplementaries" rained down upon him, that he + really knew nothing about the Department he was temporarily + representing. This led to a tragedy, for Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL + worked himself into a paroxysm of excitement over this + constitutional enormity, and finally sat down on his hat. "I + only wish his head had been in it," muttered a brother + Irishman—from Ulster.</p> + + <p>Believers in "the hidden hand," which is supposed to + paralyse our military efforts, are divided in opinion as to + whether this cryptic member is most actively employed by Lord + HALDANE, Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON or Sir EYRE CROWE, + Assistant-Secretary to the Foreign Office. They will probably + regard Lord ROBERT CECIL'S statement that some seven years ago + Sir EYRE drew up a memorandum calling the attention of Sir + EDWARD GREY to the grave dangers that threatened this country + from Germany as further evidence of his duplicity. The rest of + the world will rejoice at Lord ROBERT'S spirited vindication of + "one of the ablest of our public servants," who, despite Miss + CHRISTABEL PANKHURST, is not one of "the three black crows" of + legendary fame.</p> + + <p>When Sir H. DALZIEL, at the outset of his appeal to the + Government to make another attempt to settle the Irish + Question, promised that he would not "explore the noxious + vapours of the past," I feared the worst. But he was as good as + his word, and spared us any gruesome excavations in ancient + Irish history. Major HILLS did even better by implying that it + was only during the last ten years that the question had warped + and diverted our domestic politics. If all Irishmen were as + reasonable and moderate as Mr. RONALD McNEILL showed himself + this afternoon it would not need settling, for it would never + have arisen. He only asked, if sacrifices were necessary, that + Ulster should not alone be expected to make them. Sir HAMAR + GREENWOOD, as the great-grandson of a Canadian rebel who took + twelve sons into the field—"almost his whole family," + added his descendant—insisted that the Colonial method of + securing Home Rule was the best—first agree among + yourselves, and then go to the Imperial Parliament to sanction + your scheme. And perhaps, after the conciliatory spirit + displayed in to-day's debate, that is not so impossible oven in + Ireland as it seemed a few weeks ago. Hitherto every attempt of + the British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of Destiny up the Hill + of Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready to roll + it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate + to instal it there as the throne of a loyal and united + Ireland.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>HERBS OF GRACE.</h3> + + <p class="center">IV.</p> + + <p class="center">THYME.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All things true,</p> + + <p class="i2">All things sweet—</p> + + <p>Summer-dawn dew</p> + + <p class="i2">And Love's heart-beat;</p> + + <p>All things holy,</p> + + <p>Hill-flow'rs lowly,</p> + + <p class="i2">A far church-chime—</p> + + <p><i>These things dwell</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>In the smell</i></p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Of Thyme.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All things clean,</p> + + <p class="i2">All things pure—</p> + + <p>Joys that have been</p> + + <p class="i2">And faiths that endure;</p> + + <p>All things sunny,</p> + + <p>Bee-song and honey,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sheep-walks, rhyme—</p> + + <p><i>These things dwell</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>In the smell</i></p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Of Thyme.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All things set</p> + + <p class="i2">With sharp sweet pain—</p> + + <p>April regret</p> + + <p class="i2">For vows yet vain;</p> + + <p>All things fragrant,</p> + + <p>Thoughts long vagrant</p> + + <p class="i2">From Beauty's clime—</p> + + <p><i>These things dwell</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>In the smell</i></p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Of Thyme.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Sir John Simon, K.C., cited as an illustration the + friendship between Daniel and Jonathan. The Lord Chief + Justice: I become very nervous when you support your law by + quoting Scripture."—<i>Daily Mail.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always feel more nervous when people <i>mis</i>quote + Scripture for their purpose.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The Lord Mayor of London, Sir William Dunn, accompanied by + other members of the City Council in their robes, and the + Lady Mayoress, were amongst the very large conflagration at + St. Patrick's, Soho. An eloquent sermon was + preached."—<i>Irish Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>"Burning words," indeed.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a description of the difficulties of the members of the + Press Gallery in reporting Mr. BONAR LAW:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Since he has become leader of the House they have aged and + grown haggard and dejected. The sound of his voice fills + them with bread."—<i>Birmingham Daily Post.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Well, in these days that ought to afford them ample + consolation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Sir Richard L. Borden's name, now a household word, became + familiar only six years ago."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>But even now he is not so well known as Sir ROBERT!</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" + id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span> + + <h2>DE PROFUNDIS.</h2> + + <p>When I went round the trenches a day or two before we were + to move in, the great frost was still in possession; but there + was a mild feeling in the air.</p> + + <p>"I can thoroughly recommend these trenches to you, Sir," + said the occupier in a businesslike manner. "Commodious and + well built, fitted throughout with the latest pattern + duck-boards and reached by three charmingly sequestered + communication trenches, named Hic, Haec and Hoc. The dug-outs + are well equipped and well sunk. The whole would form an ideal + retreat for gentlemen of quiet tastes."</p> + + <p>"Good. And the people over the way?"</p> + + <p>"Unobtrusive and retiring to a degree."</p> + + <p>"In fact," I said, "a most select neighbourhood—unless + it thaws."</p> + + <p>He dropped pleasantries and answered very seriously. "If it + thaws, Heaven help you. There's enough water frozen up in these + walls to drown the lot of you."</p> + + <p>It did thaw.</p> + + <p>When we relieved, we waded up to the line through miles of + trenches all knee-deep in water, to the accompaniment of + ominous splashes as the sides began to fall in. When daylight + came we found our select estate converted into a system of + canals filled with a substance varying in consistency from + coffee to glue. Hic, Haec and Hoc, owing to the wear and tear + of constant traffic, became especially gluey, and after a time + we rechristened them respectively the Great Ooze, the Little + Ooze and the River Styx—the last not solely in reference + to its adhesive qualities, but also because such a number of + things went West in it. Some time after the original + duck-boards had sunk out of our depth we could still move along + Styx on a solid bottom composed of lost gum-boots, abandoned + rations and the like. At last, when Frankie, struggling up to + the line with the rum ration, was forced to dump his precious + burden in order to save his life, we pronounced Styx impassable + and thenceforth proceeded along the top after dusk.</p> + + <p>The Great Ooze still remained just possible for those whose + business took them back and forward during the day, but even + here were spots in which it was worse than unwise to linger. As + I squelched painfully through one of these on our last day in + the line, I found one Private Harrison firmly embedded to the + top of his thigh-boots. He told me he had been struggling + vainly for about an hour.</p> + + <p>"Give me your hands," I said.</p> + + <p>I tugged, but could get no proper purchase. Harrison grew + gradually black in the face, but remained immovable. I tried + another plan. I turned about, and Harrison clasped his hands + round my neck. Then I walked away.... At least that was the + idea.</p> + + <p>"Harrison," I said anxiously after a determined struggle, + "were you standing on the duckboards?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, Sir. I still am."</p> + + <p>"Heavens, so am I. Let go. I've got to get myself out + now."</p> + + <p>By using Harrison as a stepping-stone to higher things I + just managed to heave myself out. I surveyed him panting.</p> + + <p>"In about an hour it'll be dusk. I'll bring some men and a + rope and haul you out then. If that fails we'll simply have to + hand you over as trench stores when we get relieved."</p> + + <p>As soon as Fritz's wire had disappeared into the gathering + gloom I took out my little rescue party. We threw the captive a + rope and began to pull scientifically under direction of a + sergeant skilled in tugs-of-war.</p> + + <p>"Heave, you men," I whispered excitedly. "He's coming."</p> + + <p>He was, but without his boots. Inch by inch we dragged him + out of them. The strain was terrific. Suddenly—much too + suddenly—the tension broke. Harrison shot into the air + and fell again with a dull thud in the Ooze beside his boots, + while the rescue party collapsed head over heels into an + adjacent shell-hole.</p> + + <p>Harrison seemed a little peevish, but consented to try + again. The rope tautened, and there was a sharp crack from + below.</p> + + <p>"'Old on," cried the prisoner sharply, "me braces is + bust."</p> + + <p>"Can't think o' braces now," grunted my burly sergeant. + "Heave-ho, lads, up she comes!"</p> + + <p>Harrison was pulled clean out of his nether garments, + cursing bitterly as the wind caught his bare legs, and hung + suspended between earth and water, amid ribald comments from + above.</p> + + <p>One more pull would do it. But at that moment Fritz, + apparently feeling that we weren't taking his war seriously + enough, opened up with a machine-gun. The rescue party dropped + the rope and rolled heavily into the shell-hole, and the sorely + tried Harrison found himself back again, but face downwards + this time, and held by his arms up to the elbows.</p> + + <p>We could hear horrible language, and after a moment, all + being quiet, I crawled to the edge and looked over. His last + struggle had split Harrison's tunic and pulled it clean off his + back; and now, with his shirt-tail trailing dismally in the + Ooze, he was making the best of his own way to the + dressing-station, ungratefully consigning his gallant rescuers + to complete and lasting perdition as he went.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/213a.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213a.png" + alt="A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER." /></a> + + <p>"A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER."</p> + + <p>"YES, SIR. IT MAKES SOME OF US OLDER ONES FEEL A BIT + MUFTI, DON'T IT?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A TOPICAL TRAGEDY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Jim Startin was not loved at school;</p> + + <p>We thought him rather knave than fool.</p> + + <p>Migrating thence to Oxford, he</p> + + <p>Failed to secure a pass degree.</p> + + <p>Years sped—some twenty—ere again</p> + + <p>Jim Startin swam into my ken.</p> + + <p>I met him strolling down the Strand</p> + + <p>Well-dressed, well-nourished, sleek and bland,</p> + + <p>A high-class journalistic swell—</p> + + <p>The Headline Expert of <i>The Yell</i>.</p> + + <p>Great at the art, in peaceful days,</p> + + <p>Of finding means our scalps to raise,</p> + + <p>The War had since revealed in him</p> + + <p>A super-Transatlantic vim,</p> + + <p>And day by day his paper's bills</p> + + <p>Gave us fresh epileptic thrills.</p> + + <p>The sons of Belial, in the rhyme</p> + + <p>Of DRYDEN, had a glorious time,</p> + + <p>But never managed to attain</p> + + <p>To Jim's success in giving pain.</p> + + <p>But while his power was at its height</p> + + <p>It perished in a single night;</p> + + <p>For, with his bills by law abolished,</p> + + <p>Jim's occupation was demolished;</p> + + <p>Headlines that can't be blazed abroad</p> + + <p>On bills and posters are a fraud;</p> + + <p>They cease to titillate the mob</p> + + <p>Or draw the pennies from its fob,</p> + + <p>So Jim was "fired" and lost his job.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/213b.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213b.png" + alt="SO SWEET OF YOU TO COME." /></a> + + <p><i>Lady (to coalheavers).</i> "<i>SO</i> SWEET OF YOU TO + COME. I DO HOPE YOU'LL COME AGAIN."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "More to the west the British marked fresh progress south + of Achiet-le-Petit, where their lines were advanced on a + front of 2 kilometres (1¼ miles). Finally the + Germans fell back for the length of 2 kilometres (5/8 mile) + between Essarts and Gommecourt."—<i>The Evening + News.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>The road home always seems shorter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "The enemy went at the moment when he left because he was + shelled out."—<i>Daily Mail.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Of course he might have had a different motive if he had + gone the moment after he left.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "She was wearing a three-quarter red coat with glass + buttons to match a heavy blue skirt with low neck." + </blockquote> + + <p>We never have approved of these + <i>décolletés</i> skirts.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" + id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/214.png" + alt="THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR!" /></a> + + <p><i>First Flapper.</i> "THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR! HE + GLARED AT ME AS IF I HADN'T PAID ANY FARE."</p> + + <p><i>Second Flapper.</i> "AND WHAT DID YOU DO?"</p> + + <p><i>First Flapper.</i> "I JUST GLARED BACK AT + HIM—AS IF I HAD!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE FRUIT MERCHANT.</h2> + + <p>"I feel regular down this morning, Sir," said Private Thomas + Weeks, as I seated myself beside his bed; "regular down, I + do."</p> + + <p>It was such a very unusual greeting from this source that I + said anxiously, "Not the leg gone wrong?"</p> + + <p>"No, the old leg's fine. It's the stopping of the imports." + He indicated the morning paper which he had just laid aside. + "It's just about bust up my old business."</p> + + <p>I took the paper and glanced down the list of prohibited + articles. Clocks and parts thereof, perfumery, and quails + (live) caught my eye. I didn't think it could be any of + these.</p> + + <p>"What was your business?" I asked.</p> + + <p>"Fruit merchant, Sir. Barrow trade, you understand. 'Awker, + some calls it. But it don't much matter now what it's called, + 'cos it's bust up."</p> + + <p>"Not quite bust up, is it?" I said. "Only a bit cut down for + a time."</p> + + <p>"That may be," he said, "but I got a strong affection for + the trade, Sir, a very strong affection, and I can't 'elp + feeling it. Why, rightly speaking, it was the fruit trade what + got me my D.C.M."</p> + + <p>"Did it though? How was that?"</p> + + <p>"Well, it was like this. I bin callin' fruit a good many + years. I could call fruit with anyone. When I calls ''Oo sez a + blood orange?' at Kennington Lane, you could 'ear it pretty + well as far as New Cross. Same with ''Ave a banana?' If you're + to do the trade you must make the people 'ear. It ain't no good + bein' like them chaps what stands in the gutter and whispers, + 'Umberella ring a penny,' to their boots."</p> + + <p>"But what about the D.C.M.?"</p> + + <p>"I'm comin' to it, Sir. You see, I got it in connection with + a little bit o' work Trones Wood way. Through various circs, + fault o' nobody really, me and Sam Corney found ourselves alone + alongside a dug-out full o' Bosches. If we'd 'ad a few bombs + we'd 'a' bin all right, but we 'adn't. I sez to Sam, 'We must + scare 'em,' I sez, and I shouts, '<i>'Oo says a blood + orange?</i>' at the top o' my voice into the dug-out, which was + dark, of course, and I stands in the doorway with my bayonet + ready. I can't say what they mistook it for. Crack o' doom, Sam + sez. But eight come out o' that dug-out with their 'ands up. I + sent Sam off 'ome with 'em, though they'd 'a' gone with no + escort at all, I reckon, bein' sort o' stunned. And I went on + down the trench.</p> + + <p>"At the turn there was another dug-out. '<i>'Ave a + banana?</i>' I yells, and out come ten of 'em, cryin' for + mercy. I took 'em back to what we calls Petticoat Lane and + 'ands 'em over and come up again. But I didn't get no more + barrow-work that day, and my D.C.M. was for them prisoners + right enough. So now you see what I feels like about the fruit + business. It's like an old pal bein' done in."</p> + + <p>"I shouldn't worry too much about it," I said. "You've each + had a bit of a knock-out; but you'll soon be on your legs + again, and so will your barrow, and going strong, both of + you."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SCOTLAND YET.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + [Dr. GEORG BIEDENKAPP, writing in the <i>Münchner + Neueste Nachrichten</i>, says that if you examine any + famous "Englishman" you find that he really comes from + Scotland, to which country he assigns a place with Suabia, + Thuringia, and the Hartz Mountains as "a cradle of Kultur + and a fountain of first-class genius."] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Man Sandy, here's a German Hun</p> + + <p class="i2">Wha thinks he's on a track</p> + + <p>That nane hae trodden, having fun'</p> + + <p class="i2">A new an' stairtlin' fac';</p> + + <p>A' English thocht he doots is nocht,</p> + + <p class="i2">An' English ways are henious,</p> + + <p>But ah, says he, in Scotland see</p> + + <p class="i2">The hame o' first-class genius.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>New? Why, my feyther kent it fine,</p> + + <p class="i2">An', Sandy, I'll be sworn</p> + + <p>The knowledge o' the fac' was mine</p> + + <p class="i2">Or ever I was born;</p> + + <p>If there be ane wad daur maintain</p> + + <p class="i2">The truth is still to settle,</p> + + <p>I haena met the madman yet</p> + + <p class="i2">In bonny braw Kingskettle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ay, yon's a truth that's kent fu' weel</p> + + <p class="i2">In ilka but an' ben;</p> + + <p>But I could teach the German chiel</p> + + <p class="i2">A truth he doesna ken;</p> + + <p>Gin ye would find the hame o' mind</p> + + <p class="i2">An' intellectual life, man,</p> + + <p>Ye needna look far frae the Nook,</p> + + <p class="i2">The bonny Nook o' Fife, man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whaur did our good EX-PREMIER go</p> + + <p class="i2">Whene'er he wished to swank?</p> + + <p>To Lunnon? Edinburgh? No!</p> + + <p class="i2">He cam' to Ladybank;</p> + + <p>Nae doot he thocht if there was ocht</p> + + <p class="i2">Would put him on his mettle</p> + + <p>'Twas meetin' men o' brain, ye ken,</p> + + <p class="i2">Like us frae auld Kingskettle.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Fleet Street is fu' o' Fifers tae;</p> + + <p class="i2">The Cockneys want the views</p> + + <p>O' men like JOCK MCFARLANE frae</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>The Crail and Cupar News</i>;</p> + + <p>For if a chiel can write sae weel</p> + + <p class="i2">That you an' me will read him,</p> + + <p>Why, man, withoot a shade o' doot</p> + + <p class="i2">Lunnon is sure to need him.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then tak' the Army. What d'ye see?</p> + + <p class="i2">Wha's chief? Nae need to tell</p> + + <p>That DOUGLAS HAIG is prood to be</p> + + <p class="i2">A Fifer like mesel';</p> + + <p>An' weel he may, for truth to say</p> + + <p class="i2">There's something aye aboot us:</p> + + <p>In ilka trade they want oor aid—</p> + + <p class="i2">They canna win withoot us.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Wedding Fashions, B.C.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "The bridesmaid was attired in pink + carnations."—<i>"Daily Colonist," Victoria, British + Columbia.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" + id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/215.png" + alt="FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS." /></a> + + <h3>FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h2> + + <p>Jim and me could never 'ave got through the six weeks we was + billeted with Mrs. Sweedle if we 'adn't been 'ardened by Mrs. + Larkins in the way I 'ave described.</p> + + <p>Mrs. Sweedle were a widow woman with a big family, besides a + aged father and a brother who suffered with fits. The billetin' + orficer was afraid she wouldn't he able to take us in, but Mrs. + Sweedle was willin' and eager.</p> + + <p>"Bless their hearts, that I will," she said; "it shall never + be said I turned a soldier from my door. Nobody knows better + than I do what soldiers is in an 'ouse. Always merry and bright + and ready to put their 'ands to anything when a poor woman's + work's never done and she's delicate and liable to the + sick-'eadache in the mornin's. There's the week's clothes to go + through the wringer, but I know what soldiers is for a wringer; + they can't leave it alone. And if I 'appens to overlay meself I + know there's no cause to worry about Grandfer's cup o' tea, nor + yet Bobby and Tom and Albert gettin' off to school tidy. Like + as not they'll do me more credit than if I washed 'em meself; + there's nobody like a soldier for puttin' a polish on + children."</p> + + <p>Mrs. Sweedle overlaid herself the very first mornin', and + sent word by Albert if we would be so kind as make her a cup o' + tea when we was makin' Grandfer's it might save her a doctor; + and the wood for the fire was out in the yard, and she knew, + bein' soldiers, we should chop her a barrer-load while we was + about it; and when she crawled downstairs presently the + breakfast things would be washed and put away, as was the 'abit + of soldiers, and very likely the pertaters peeled for + dinner.</p> + + <p>It bein' a strange 'ouse and we not knowin' where to put our + 'ands on anythin', and, when we'd got the kettle to boil, not + bein' able to let it out of our sight owin' to the youngest + little Sweedle wantin' to drink out of the spout, Jim and me + was regler drove. We was as near late for parade as we 'ave + ever been in our lives. Mrs. Sweedle was very upset. "I know + what soldiers is for punctuality," she said, "a minute late and + they're court-martialled. How would it be if you was to lay the + fire over-night and scrub over the floor? It 'ud save ye a lot + in the mornin', if so be I'm forced to keep me bed."</p> + + <p>We done as she advised, and it were fortunate. She 'ad + another sick-'eadache the next day, and sent word by Albert + would we be so good as bake her a mouthful of toast; she knew + what soldiers' toast was like, it give ye a appetite to look at + it, thin and crisp, with the butter laid on smooth as cream and + cut in fingers.</p> + + <p>We never run no risk after that. 'Owever dog-tired we was + and 'owever Mrs. Sweedle seemed in 'ealth we always got the + work forward over-night, and when we could catch 'old of Bobby + and Tom and Albert we washed 'em to save time in the mornin' + and parted their 'air.</p> + + <p>One day Mrs. Sweedle were well enough to get up. "I know + who's goin' to 'ave a treat now," she said. Our 'arts leapt. We + did 'ope she might be goin' to say we was to sit down to our + breakfasts.</p> + + <p>"Grandfer's goin' to be shaved, and not 'ave to pay tuppence + out of 'is poor pension," she said. "There's nobody can shave + like a soldier." And when Jim 'ad got the old man by the nose + she said to me, "I can see what you want to be at, shakin' + these mats with your strong arm and savin' me comin' on + giddy."</p> + + <p>It were very 'ard at first, but after a bit Jim and me got + into the work at Mrs. Sweedle's and was just able to get + through with it, except the mornin' her brother 'ad a fit when + we was racin' to finish the washin'-up. That fair broke our + backs. We 'ad a sort of seizure on parade and 'ad to fall out + till we got our breaths back.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE RECOGNISED.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Give ear to my words and you shall hear</p> + + <p>The song of the British Volunteer,</p> + + <p>Who started out when the War began</p> + + <p>As a middle-aged mostly grey-haired man.</p> + + <p>Too old to be sent to join the dance</p> + + <p>Of the doughty fellows who fought in France,</p> + + <p>He refused to go on the dusty shelf,</p> + + <p>And he set to work and he bought himself</p> + + <p>A spirited grey-green uniform,</p> + + <p>With a cap to match and a British warm,</p> + + <p class="i8">And he took his fill</p> + + <p class="i8">Of the latest drill;</p> + + <p>But somehow they didn't seem to prize him</p> + + <p>Or wish in the least to recognise him.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But now they have let him cast away</p> + + <p>His excellent clothes of green and grey;</p> + + <p class="i8">They think they can use him,</p> + + <p class="i8">And don't refuse him,</p> + + <p>And they've dressed him up and they've dressed him + down</p> + + <p>In a regular suit of khaki brown;</p> + + <p class="i8">He has been gazetted</p> + + <p class="i8">And properly vetted</p> + + <p>As able to march five miles at least,</p> + + <p>Though he puffs a bit when the speed 's + increased;</p> + + <p class="i8">And he can double</p> + + <p class="i8">Without much trouble,</p> + + <p>And do such deeds as a man must do</p> + + <p>Who is willing to help to see things through.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Wholesale Order.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Lieut-Colonel —— received the K.C.B. and other + decorations, including C.M.G.s, D.S.O.s, Military Crosses, + and Royal Red Crosses."—<i>Evening Standard.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>From "Paris Theatrical Notes":—</p> + + <blockquote> + "The programme for to-day at the Opéra compromises + 'Samson et Dalila.'"—<i>Continental Daily Mail.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>It sounds a little superfluous.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" + id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>Alfred Lyttelton: An Account of his Life</i>, by EDITH + LYTTELTON (LONGMANS), is a most fascinating book. Mrs. ALFRED + LYTTELTON might perhaps have contented herself with writing a + formal biography of her husband. It would have been difficult + for her, but she might, as I say, have done it. Instead of this + she takes her readers by the hand in the friendliest manner and + admits them with her into the heart and soul of the man with + whom she was for twenty years associated. She shows him as what + he was, a noble and upright English gentleman, straightforward + and tender-hearted, and beloved in a quite exceptional measure + by all who were privileged to be his friends. I can only be + grateful to Mrs. LYTTELTON for having interpreted her duty in + this manner, and for having carried it out with so sure a hand. + As I read her pages I saw again in my mind's eye the + loose-limbed, curly-headed young son of Anak as he swung down + Jesus Lane, Cambridge, or as he witched the world with noble + cricketing at Fenner's or at Lord's. It is good to be able to + remember him. His Eton tutor described him as being "like a + running stream with the sun on it," and there was, indeed, a + charm about him that was irresistible. Mrs. LYTTELTON devotes a + beautiful chapter to the memory of ALFRED'S first wife, LAURA, + who died after one short year of happiness. "She was a flame," + says Mrs. LYTTELTON, "beautiful, dancing, ardent, leaping up + from the earth in joyous rapture, touching everyone with fire + as she passed. The wind of life was too fierce for such a + spirit—she could not live in it. Surely it was Love that + gathered her." I have only one little bone to pick, and that + not with Mrs. LYTTELTON, but with Lord MIDLETON, who in a page + or two of reminiscences describes as one of ALFRED'S triumphs + at the Bar his appearance as counsel for the Warden of Morton, + Mr. GEORGE BRODRICK. The Warden, having said something + offensive about Mr. DILLON, was hailed before the Parnell + Commission for contempt of court. ALFRED put in an affidavit by + the Warden, in which the whole thing was said to be a joke, and + in his speech he chaffed Mr. REID (now Lord LOREBURN), who was + counsel for Mr. DILLON, for being a Scotsman, with a natural + incapacity for seeing a joke. So far Lord MIDLETON; but he + omits Mr. REID'S crushing retort. "Even a Scotsman," said Mr. + REID, "may be pardoned for not seeing a joke which has to be + certified by affidavit."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. JEFFERY E. JEFFERY has been playing cheerful tricks on + the British public. We must forgive him, because he has for a + long time been doing far worse than that to the Huns; but it is + undeniable that in following the winding trail of his beloved + guns we are in no small danger of losing our sense of + direction. This is because along with imaginary tales, some of + them written before August, 1914, when of course he could not + fix precisely the chronology and locality of his fights, he has + mixed almost indiscriminately the record of his own actual + experiences during two distinct phases of the War. Not until + the last page does he abandon the jest to explain—with + something of a school-boy grin—just where fact and + fiction meet, and so enable me to recover from my bewilderment + and pass on a word of warning. Once on your guard, however, you + will find his story of the <i>Servants of the Guns</i> (SMITH, + ELDER), and more especially the first half of it (dealing, in + diary form, with his recent adventures as an officer of + Artillery—he does not state his present rank), as vivid + and real as anything of the sort you have seen. Field-gun + warfare of to-day—mathematics, telephones and + mud—with little more of old-time dash and jingle than the + hope that some to-morrow may revive them in the Great + Pursuit—this is his theme; and above all the loyalty of + the gunner to his guns. Even the story-book part in the middle + of the volume speaks of this finely and movingly; but here and + there amongst his personal experiences comes a passage less + consciously composed that tells it even better in the bareness + of a great simplicity.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. J.D. BERESFORD'S new story, <i>House-Mates</i> + (CASSELL), might be regarded as an awful warning to young + gentlemen seeking bachelor-apartments. Because, if the hero had + been a little more careful about his fellow-lodgers at No. 73 + Keppel Street, he would not, in the first place, have been + defrauded of a large sum of money, or, in the second, have been + involved in a peculiarly revolting murder. (The special + hatefulness of this murder strikes me as rather superfluous. + But this by the way.) On the other hand, of course, he would + never have married the heroine, and we should have missed a + very agreeable study of expanding adolescence. This, I take it, + is the real motive of Mr. BERESFORD'S story, as exemplified by + his pleasant introductory metaphor of the chicken and the egg. + From the feminine point of view, indeed, the tale might be not + inaptly labelled "Treatise on Cub-hunting." Anyhow, what with + strange actresses and I.D.B. criminals and painted ladies and + reviewers (they <i>were</i> a queer lot at No. 73!) the hero + completes his tenancy with enough experience of life, chiefly + on its shadowy side, to last him for some time. An original and + rather appealing story, told with a good deal of charm.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I was waiting for it, and now, behold, it has come. In + <i>The Shining Heights</i> (MILLS AND BOON) the War is over and + we have to do with some of the results of it. Unfortunately + Miss I.A.R. WYLIE is very chary about dates, and she is not + encouraging about the changes which most of us hope will come + with peace. "Social conditions indeed," she writes, "had + scarcely moved. Universal brotherhood was not ... and, for the + vast majority of men and women it had been easiest to go back + to the old work, the old pleasure, the old love and the old + hate." Well, I don't know much about universal brotherhood, but + for the rest I sincerely hope that these gloomy + prognostications are wrong. As for the story, laid in the + Delectable Duchy, no one needs to be told that Miss WYLIE is a + novelist of considerable power and capacity, and here she has + chosen a theme of very real interest. It is the rivalry of two + men, one of whom had returned from the War with wounds and a + V.C., while the other had never taken part in it because he + believed (with justification) that he was on the point of + making a discovery of value to humanity. The story is well + constructed and well told, but I am beginning to think that it + is time for Cornwall to be declared a prohibited area for all + novelists except Mr. CHARLES MARRIOTT and "Q."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Yet more theatrical recollections. The latest volume of them + is <i>My Remembrances</i> (CASSELL), in which Mr. EDWARD H. + SOTHERN recounts, with the pleasant humour to be expected from + him, what he quaintly (and quite unjustifiably) calls "The + Melancholy Tale of Me." One has heard that Mr. SOTHERN, now + that he has retired from the stage, proposes to live in + England; the book explains such an intention by its evidence of + the writer's intense love for this country. Naturally he has a + rich stock of good stories, amongst which I was delighted to + welcome yet once again that old favourite about the departing + spectator who, on being told that two Acts remained to be + performed, said briefly, "That's why I'm going!" Newer (to me) + was the <i>Dundreary</i> tale that told how the elder SOTHERN'S + triumph was actually the result of JEFFERSON'S partiality for + horse-exercise. The connection I leave you to find out. Like + all volumes of its kind, <i>My Remembrances</i> abounds in + photographs. At times, indeed, you may be tempted to consider + that the domain of the family portrait album has been too + largely usurped. But there is even about this a friendliness + which, coupled with the brisk style of its writing, will give + the book a popularity as wide as that of its author.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We all know that Mr. WILLIAM CAINE has a gay humour, and he + indulges it liberally, sometimes rollickingly, in <i>The + Fan</i>. With a candour which I warmly commend he states + conspicuously that most of these stories have appeared before, + and he expresses his acknowledgments to various Editors over a + widish range—from <i>Macmillan's Magazine</i> to + <i>London Opinion</i>, and from <i>The English Review</i> to + <i>Answers</i>. It would be an innocent diversion to have to + guess which story was written for which Editor. But for + whatever public the author caters he is, with only one or two + exceptions, out for fun, and he gets it. Some of his stories + are pure extravaganzas, but they are written in a style + unusually good for this kind, and by a very shrewd observer of + human foibles. Messrs. METHUEN tell us that Mr. CAINE "views + life from an angle all his own," and although I do not often + find myself in agreement with publishers' opinions of their own + wares it is to me a right angle.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/216.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216.png" + alt="THE ECONOMIC ERA." /></a> + + <h5>THE ECONOMIC ERA.</h5> + + <p class="center">PROVIDE YOUR OWN WATER SUPPLY AND RELEASE + A WATER-RATE COLLECTOR.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p class="center">"THE FOOD HOARDERS THREATENED.</p> + + <p>NOT MORE THAN 1 TON OF COAL AT A TIME."—<i>Daily + News.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Then, as the vulgar have it, the food-hoarders will just + have to go and eat coke.</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, March 28, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14856-h.htm or 14856-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/5/14856/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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