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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+March 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 1, 2005 [EBook #14856]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+March 28th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: _Torpedoed mine-sweeper_ (_to his pal_). "AS I WAS A-SAYIN',
+BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED, IT'S MY BELIEF AS 'OW THE SUBMARINE BLOKES
+AIN'T ON 'ARF AS RISKY A JOB AS THE BOYS IN THE AIRY-O-PLANES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Charged at Kingston with being an absentee from military service, a man of
+retiring habits stated that he did not know the country was at war. When
+told that we were fighting the Germans he was greatly interested.
+
+       ***
+
+The Hamburg hotel-keepers have decided to abolish the practice of charging
+more for food in cases where wine or beer are not consumed. The reason
+given--that there was no wine or beer to be consumed--is so trivial that a
+deeper motive may well be suspected.
+
+       ***
+
+"That is how we lawyers live, because lay-men have such queer ideas," said
+Judge CLUER in a recent case. Nevertheless, the view that lawyers shouldn't
+be allowed to live is not without its ardent supporters.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Manchester Guardian_ has issued an "Empire number." It is pleasant to
+know that all differences between the Empire and our contemporary, due to
+the former's ill-advised participation in the War, have been satisfactorily
+adjusted.
+
+       ***
+
+Events have happened so swiftly of late that up to the time of going to
+press a contemporary had not decided who should be "_The Man who Dined with
+the Tsar_."
+
+       ***
+
+Virginia-creepers are recommended by a contemporary as a "tasty vegetable."
+In one large house where the experiment was tried they were pronounced to
+be quite all right on the second floor, but rather tough in the basement.
+
+       ***
+
+The businesses of Southgate men called to the colours are being conducted
+by a committee. Small sons of those absent fathers are going very warily
+until they have ascertained exactly how far the powers of the committee
+extend.
+
+       ***
+
+Writing on the German retreat Major MORAHT says: "Only a personality like
+that of Marshal von Hindenburg could give proofs of so great an
+initiative." Possibly he has never heard of the Dukes of York and Plaza
+Toro.
+
+       ***
+
+A boy of eleven charged with the theft of clothes is said to have stolen
+the notebook of the policeman who arrested him. His first idea was to pinch
+his captor's whistle, but he rejected this plan on finding that the
+policeman was attached to it.
+
+       ***
+
+Russian soldiers under the new _régime_ will be allowed to smoke in the
+streets, travel inside trains, visit clubs and attend political meetings.
+There is a very strong rumour that they will also be allowed to go on
+fighting.
+
+       ***
+
+A ten-months-old boy at Prescot, Lancashire, has been called up for
+military service. It is, however, authoritatively stated that this is
+merely a precautionary measure on the part of the War Office, and will not
+necessarily apply to other men in the same class.
+
+       ***
+
+A Bromley gentleman is advertising for a chauffeur "to drive Ford car out
+of cab-yard." Kindness is a great thing in cases of this sort, and we
+suggest trying to entice it out with a piece of cheese.
+
+       ***
+
+"You have lost the privilege of serving on the last grand jury during the
+War," said the judge at the London Sessions last week to a shipowner who
+arrived at the court late. We understand that the poor fellow broke down
+and sobbed bitterly.
+
+       ***
+
+Nearly every Russian newspaper contains congratulatory references to Free
+Russia, and poets are busy composing verses on the same theme. It is this
+latter item which is said to be keeping the Germans from having a similar
+revolution.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that the new "No Smoking near Magazines" enactment is
+profoundly resented in editorial circles.
+
+       ***
+
+To fill the gap which will be left in the ranks of Parliamentary humorists
+by the retirement of Mr. JOSEPH KING, M.P., who has decided not to seek
+re-election, the Variety Artistes Federation have nominated a candidate for
+the Brixton Division.
+
+       ***
+
+"On whatever day you sow your wheat," says Miss MARIE CORELLI, "you cannot
+stop its growing on Sundays." Mr. HALL CAINE has not yet spoken on this
+point, and his silence is regarded as significant.
+
+       ***
+
+Incidentally we are not so sure that you cannot stop wheat growing on
+Sundays. There is good precedent for plucking its ears on the Sabbath, and
+that ought to stop it.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER, it appears, is much annoyed at the CROWN PRINCE and the way he
+has mis-managed so many brilliant opportunities. It is even suggested in
+some quarters that the KAISER has threatened, if LITTLE WILLIE does not
+improve, to abdicate in his favour.
+
+       ***
+
+A respectably dressed man was recently arrested for behaving in a strange
+manner in Downing Street. Others have done the same thing before now, but
+have escaped the notice of the police by doing it indoors.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the taxi-cab which stopped in the Strand the other day
+when hailed by a pedestrian, a satisfactory explanation is to hand. It had
+broken down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Overheard by a distinguished singer, who has just concluded
+the first of two Scotch ballads._
+
+_Jock (to his neighbour)._ "A FINE VOICE, YON LASSIE. I'VE HEARD WORSE AN'
+PAID FOR IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PARIS BY THE "HINDENBURG LINE."
+
+A TEUTON TRIBUTE TO THE ORGANISER OF VICTORY.
+
+  That man at dawn should certainly be shot
+    For being such a liar,
+  Who says that you, my HINDENBURG, are not
+  As high as our All-Highest, mate of GOTT
+    (Or even slightly higher).
+
+  Stout thruster, in the push you have no peer,
+    Yet more supremely brilliant
+  This crowning stroke of progress toward the rear,
+  This strong recoil from which with heartened cheer
+    We hope to bound resilient.
+
+  Lo! the creative spirit's vital spark!
+    None but a genius, _we_ say,
+  Would make his onset backward in the dark
+  Or choose this route for getting at the Arc
+    De Triomphe (Champs Elysées).
+
+  Nor to your care for detail are we blind;
+    Your handiwork we view in
+  The reeking waste our warriors leave behind;
+  We read the motions of a master-mind
+    In that red trail of ruin.
+
+  And not alone by yonder blackened beams,
+    By garth and homestead burning,
+  You put the sanguine enemy off your schemes,
+  Who gaily follows up and never dreams
+    That we'll be soon returning;
+
+  But by these speaking signs of godly hate,
+    This ruthless ravage (_prosit!_),
+  You teach a barbarous world how truly great
+  Our German Gospel, and how grim the fate
+    Of people who oppose it!
+
+  Then praised be Heaven because we cannot fail
+    With HINDENBURG to boss us;
+  And for each hearth stript naked to the gale
+  Let grateful homage plug another nail
+    In your superb colossus.          O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATIONS.
+
+As I said to John, I can bear anger and sarcasm--but contempt, not. Binny
+and Joe are our cats, and the most pampered of pets. Every day, when our
+meals were served, there was spread upon the carpet a newspaper, on which
+Binny and Joe would trample, clamouring, until a plate containing their
+substantial portion was laid down: after which we were free to proceed with
+our own meal.
+
+Then came the paralysing shock of Lord DEVONPORT'S ration announcement, in
+which no mention is made of cats. Binny and Joe looked at one another in
+consternation over their porridge as I read aloud his statement from the
+newspaper at breakfast.
+
+When I came in to luncheon I had a letter in my hand and accidentally
+dropped the envelope. Paper of any kind upon the carpet is associated in
+Binny's mind with the advent of food. Straightway he thudded from his
+arm-chair and sat down upon the envelope. You will notice that I speak
+above of Binny and Joe. I do so instinctively, because, though Binny is
+only half Joe's age of one year, somehow he always occurs everywhere before
+Joe. Joe was lying on the same arm-chair, and the same idea struck him too;
+but Binny got there first and continued sitting on the envelope, until, for
+very shame, I asked Ann, the maid, to spread a newspaper and try them with
+potato and gravy. They looked at it and then at me, and then, without
+tasting, walked off and began their usual after-luncheon ablutions of
+mouth, face and paws. But, as I have said, I can endure sarcasm.
+
+The next day, just before luncheon, a mass of sparrow feathers was found on
+the hall-mat. The second day there were feathers of a blackbird. And the
+third day, when I came down to breakfast, I found a few thrush feathers
+carelessly left under the breakfast-room table. I began to search my mind,
+anxiously wondering whether any of my near neighbours kept chickens.
+
+But the matter was settled that night. When the dinner-gong sounded, Binny
+and Joe rose from their arm-chair, looked at the vegetarian dishes now
+adorning a board which had been wont to send up savoury meaty steams (fish
+in these parts has become a rarity almost unprocurable, and we had
+exhausted our allowance of meat at luncheon, which we had taken at a
+restaurant), and then, with noses in the air and tails erect, stalked
+haughtily to the drawing-room, and there remained until dinner was
+finished.
+
+So now the butcher leaves two pennorth of lights at my door regularly. He
+assures me that Lord DEVONPORT won't mind as it is not strictly human food.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INVADERS.
+
+"I SUPPOSE OLD HINDENBURG KNOWS WHAT HE'S ABOUT?"
+
+"ANYHOW, EVERY STEP TAKES US NEARER THE FATHERLAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVIII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Recent events calling for strong comment, I turned to my
+friend, my brick-red friend who is able to retain his well-fed prosperous
+look notwithstanding the rigours of trench life, Rrobert James McGrregor. I
+took a map with me and, calling his attention to the general position,
+asked him what about it? McGregor, as you may guess, is a Scot, whose
+national sense of economy seems to have spread to his uniform, in that the
+cap he wears covers but a third-part of his head, and his tunic (which I
+ought really not to call a tunic but a service jacket) appears to have
+exhausted itself and its material at the fourth button. Notwithstanding all
+this, I attach great weight to his truculent views, and, the better to
+incite him into something outright, addressed him in My best Scottish,
+which is, at any rate, as good as his best English. "Rrrrrobert," I said,
+"what like is the VON HINDENBURG line?" Whereupon McGregor, helping himself
+to our mess whisky and cursing it as the vilest production of this vile
+War, spoke out.
+
+McGregor has no respect whatever for HINDENBURG or anything which is his.
+He says that HINDENBURG and his crew have all along taken the line which
+any man could, but no gentleman would. In HINDENBURG he sees the
+personification of Prussian militarism, and for the Prussians and their
+militarism he has no use whatsoever. I forget what exactly is the Highland
+phrase for "no use whatsoever," but its meaning is even worse than its
+sound, and the sound of it alone is terrible to hear. Whatever befalls in
+the interval, it is certain that when at last McGregor and HINDENBURG meet
+they will not get on well together.
+
+McGregor hates militarism. It is entirely inconsistent with his wild ideas
+of liberty. As such he is determined to do it down on all occasions and by
+every means. Not only is he a Scot, he is also a barrister of the most
+pronounced type. Brief him in your cause, and provided it is not a mean one
+he will set out to lay flat the whole earth, if need be, in its defence. He
+will overwhelm opposing counsel with the mere ferocity of his mien; he will
+overbear the Judge himself with the mere power of his lungs, and he will
+carry you through to a verdict with the mere momentum of his loyal support.
+Once he has made a cause his own, no other cause can survive the terror of
+his bushy eyebrows and his flaring face. He is a caged lion, but he does
+not grow thin or wasted in captivity. As ever, he grows stout and strong on
+his own enthusiasms. The cage will not hold much longer. Heaven be praised,
+it's HINDENBURG and not me he's taken a dislike to.
+
+He loathes militarism. Having waited nearly thirty years for a fight, it's
+himself is overjoyed that he has Prussian militarism for the victim of his
+murderous designs. To this end he has become a soldier, such a bloodthirsty
+soldier as never was before and never will be again. The thoroughness of
+it, for an anti-militarist, is almost appalling. The click of his heels and
+the shine of his buttons frighten me. His salute is such that even the most
+deserving General must pause and ask himself if it is humanly possible to
+merit such respect as it indicates. No man, even upon the most legitimate
+instance, may venture, in the presence of the dangerous McGregor, the
+slightest criticism of the British Army or of anything remotely
+appertaining thereto. He will not even permit a sly dig, in a quiet corner,
+at the Staff.
+
+Nevertheless McGregor hates, loathes and detests militarism. His
+convictions are quite clear and convincing. Soldiers are one thing;
+militarists are another. Rrobert James McGrregor, for the moment at least,
+is by the grace of God and the generosity of His Majesty a soldier. That
+creature HINDENBURG is a militarist. Quite so, I agreed; but then what
+about the line? He helped himself to some more whisky, showing that he
+could forgive anybody anything except a Prussian his militarism, and said
+he was coming to that. But first as to HINDENBURG.
+
+The man represents his type and is, says McGregor, a mere bully. He has
+become a bully because he could succeed as nothing else. Given peace, it is
+doubtful if he could get and keep the job of errand-boy in a second-rate
+butcher's shop. Lacking the intelligence or spirit to succeed normally, he
+has not the decency to live quietly in the cheaper suburbs of Berlin and
+let other people do it. Flourish they must, HINDENBURG and his lot, and so
+the world is at war to keep their end up.
+
+Now, says McGregor, it is undoubtedly sinful to fight, but he can't help
+half forgiving those whose desire to have a round is such that they must
+needs cause the bothers. But do I suppose that HINDENBURG ever wanted to
+fight, ever meant or ever means to do it? Not he; and that is why the War
+goes on and on and on. We've got to work through all the other Germans,
+says he, before we'll get to their militarists, who are all alive and doing
+nicely, thank you, behind. When we are getting near the throat of the first
+of them then the War will end.
+
+McGregor cannot bring himself to detest all the Bosches. After all, he
+says, they do stick it out, and their very stupidity makes some call on his
+generosity. But HINDENBURG, he is convinced, never stuck anything out,
+except snubs from his competitor, WILHELM, in the course of his uprising
+career; he makes no call on anybody's generosity, taking everything he
+wants, including (says McGregor) the best cigars. Without ever having
+studied them closely, McGregor has the most precise ideas of HINDENBURG'S
+daily life and habits. He is quite sure he smokes all day the most
+expensive cigars, without paying for them or removing the bands. He rose,
+says McGregor, by artifice combined with ostentation. While his good
+soldiers were studying their musketry, he was practising ferocious
+expressions before his glass. If he ever did get mixed up in a real battle
+(which McGregor doubts) he was undoubtedly last in and first out. However
+it may appear in print, his military career would not bear close scrutiny;
+for that reason McGregor does not propose to scrutinise it. And as for his
+indomitable will, he sees nothing to admire in the man's persistence,
+since, when he stops persisting, he'll become ungummed and, at the best,
+forgotten.
+
+So said McGregor, and when I besought him to come to the point, he said
+he'd dealt with it, and if I had any sympathy left for HINDENBURG or his
+line I was no better than a slave-driving, sit-at-home-and-push-others-
+over-the-parapet Prussian militarist myself. As for the map, it didn't
+matter in the least where HINDENBURG took his old line to, since wherever
+in Europe it endeavoured to conceal itself his own little line would scent
+it out and follow it. And if the HINDENBURG line was more than two hundred
+miles long and the Rrobert James McGrregor line less than two hundred
+yards, still it didn't matter; for when a Scot takes a dislike to somebody,
+that somebody's number is up.
+
+McGregor didn't say that last, but he looked it.
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _McTavish (purchasing paper of posterless newsboy)._ "AWEEL,
+IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE,' BUT AH'LL RISK IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Frightfulness" in England.
+
+    "Boys wanted for Kicking. ------ Stamping Works."--_Midland Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'THE MAGIC FLUTE.'
+
+    One ingenious commentator has suggested that the opera has some basis
+    in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' Sarastro is Prospero, Pamina Miranda,
+    Tamino Ferdinand, and perhaps Monostatos Caliban."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+The fact that these Shakespeare characters all occur in "The Tempest"
+enhances the ingenuity of the suggestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The biggest fire in living memory occurred in Chapelhall on Monday
+    morning, when the Roman Catholic School was partly destroyed along with
+    the recreation rooms, damage amounting to £2,000."--_Scotch Local
+    Paper._
+
+The parish pump was probably out of order when this unparalleled
+conflagration occurred; but is seems to be at work again now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME OF OLD
+TOP-HATS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY GODSON.
+
+(_Aged six weeks._)
+
+  Small bundle, enveloped in laces,
+    For whom I stood sponsor last week,
+  When you slept, with the pinkest of faces,
+    And never emitted a squeak;
+  Though vain is the task of illuming
+    The Future's inscrutable scroll,
+  I cannot refrain from assuming
+    A semi-prophetical _rôle_,
+
+  I predict that in paths Montessorian
+    Your infantile steps will be led,
+  And with modes which are Phrygian and Dorian
+    Your musical appetite fed;
+  You'll be taught how to dance by a Russian,
+    "Eurhythmics" you'll learn from a Swiss,
+  How not to behave like a Prussian--
+    No teaching is needed for this!
+
+  Will you learn Esperanto at Eton?
+    Or, if Eton by then is suppressed,
+  Be sent to grow apples or wheat on
+    A ranche in the ultimate West?
+  Will you aim at a modern diploma
+    In civics or commerce or stinks?
+  Inhale the Wisconsin aroma
+    Or think as the Humanist thinks?
+
+  Will you learn to play tennis from COVEY
+    Or model your stroke on JAY GOULD?
+  Will you play the piano like TOVEY
+    Or by gramophone records be schooled?
+  Will you golf, or will golfing be banished
+    To answer the needs of the plough,
+  And links from the landscape have vanished
+    To pasture the sheep and the cow?
+
+  Your taste in the region of letters
+    I only can dimly foresee,
+  But guess that from metrical fetters
+    The verse you'll affect must be free;
+  And I shan't be surprised or astounded
+    If your generation rebels
+  Against adulation unbounded
+    Of MASEFIELD and BENNETT and WELLS.
+
+  Upholding ancestral tradition
+    Your uncle has booked you at Lord's,
+  But I doubt if you'll sate your ambition
+    Athletic on well-levelled swards;
+  No, I rather opine that you'll follow
+    The lead that we owe to the WRIGHTS,
+  And soar like the eagle or swallow
+    On far and adventurous flights.
+
+  But no matter--in joy and affliction,
+    In seasons of failure or fame,
+  I cherish the certain conviction
+    You'll never dishonour your name;
+  For the love of the mother that bore you,
+    The life and the death of your sire
+  Will shine as a lantern before you,
+    To guide and exalt and inspire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Life's Little Ironies.
+
+    "Ever-ready Safety Razor, strop, outfit, 12 blades, new; exchange
+    something useful."--_The Model Engineer and Electrician._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The marriage of Captain ----, Grenadier Guards, to Miss ---- was a very
+    quiet affair, and not more than a score of people attended the ceremony
+    at St. Andrew's, Wells-street, during the week.--_Observer._
+
+Quiet, perhaps, but unusually protracted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it Happened.
+
+From a publisher's advt.:--
+
+  "NEW NOVELS
+    THE HISTORY OF AN ATTRACTION
+    HE LOOKED IN MY WINDOW."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Collectors of coincidences will not fail to notice that what the papers
+call "The Great Allied Sweep" in France was contemporaneous with the
+arrival of General SMUTS in England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+IV.
+
+THE HUNGER-STRIKE.
+
+"Did you hear that?" cried the white hen.
+
+"What?" asked all the other hens.
+
+"He called us--cluck-cluck-cluck," said the white hen.
+
+"Why shouldn't he?" asked all the other hens.
+
+"I didn't mean he called us 'cluck-cluck-cluck,'" said the white hen
+hastily. "I was only choking with rage when I said that. He called
+us--cluck-cluck-cluck--"
+
+"She's going to lay an egg," said the black hen with interest.
+
+"Poultry!" screamed the white hen suddenly.
+
+"Poultry?" gasped the other hens.
+
+"Poultry!--he called us 'poultry'--oh, cluck-cluck-cluck--"
+
+"Something must be done," said the yellow hen.
+
+"Something must be done," repeated all the hens.
+
+"We must have a hunger-strike till he apologises," said the thin hen
+importantly.
+
+"But we shall be hungry," cried all the hens.
+
+"That is the essence of a hunger-strike," said the thin hen.
+
+Just then the keeper arrived with food for the fowls.
+
+"We mustn't run to him," they said to one another. "It's a hunger-strike,
+you know."
+
+Suddenly the fat hen began running to him.
+
+"Come back; it's a hunger-strike, you know!" cried the hens.
+
+"I have an idea," shouted the fat hen as she ran; "the more we eat the
+longer we shall hold out."
+
+"So we shall," cried all the hens as they scurried after the fat one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (to applicant for War-work)._ "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
+         _Ex-flapper._ "CISSIE"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAVORITE.
+
+Some people would die rather than talk aloud in a 'bus; others would rather
+die than hold their peace there. This second kind is more fun, and four of
+it made part of my journey the other day from Victoria to Oxford Street (I
+forget the number of the 'bus, but it goes up Bond Street) much less
+tedious. They were all young women in the latest teens or the earliest
+twenties, and all were what is called well-to-do, and they were fluent
+talkers.
+
+Years ago, when poor LEWIS WALLER was at the height of his fame, we used to
+hear of a real or fictitious "Waller Club," the members of which were young
+women who spent as much time as they could in visiting his theatre and
+rejoicing in the sight of his brave gestures and the sound of his vibrant
+voice. It was even said that they had a badge by which they could know each
+other; although on the face of it, judging by what sparse scraps of
+information concerning the nature of woman I have been able painfully to
+collect, I should say that segregation would be, in such a case as this,
+more to their taste.
+
+Be that true or only invented, it is very clear that in spite of the War
+and its shattering way with so many ancient shibboleths the cult of the
+actor is still strong; for this is the kind of thing that lasted all the
+way from Hyde Park Corner to Vere Street:--
+
+"Did you see him the other day in that ballet? Of course I knew he could
+dance, because he can do everything, but I never thought he was going to be
+so gloriously graceful as he was."
+
+"But surely you ought to have known. Don't you remember him as the Prince
+at the LORD MAYOR'S Ball?"
+
+"And what a wonderful figure he has!"
+
+"I couldn't help wishing that he had only stained his legs instead of
+putting on red tights."
+
+"My dear!!!"
+
+"It's his grace that's the wonderful thing about him, I always think. His
+ease. He moves so--how shall I put it?--so, well, so easily and
+gracefully."
+
+"Don't you love him when he stands with his hands in his pockets?"
+
+"My dear, yes. But what a wonderful tailor he goes to. I always used to
+tell my brother to try and find out where his things were made and go to
+the same place."
+
+"But of course it's the way clothes are worn much more than the clothes
+themselves. I mean, some men can never look well dressed, whereas others
+can look well in anything."
+
+"But he does go to the best tailor, I'm sure."
+
+"How many times have you seen this new piece?"
+
+"Six."
+
+"Only six! I've seen it eleven."
+
+"I've seen it three times."
+
+"I've seen it five times; but one of those doesn't count, because when we
+got there we found he was ill with chicken-pox. Wasn't that rotten luck?"
+
+"I heard he had been ill, but I didn't know what it was. Was it really
+chicken-pox?"
+
+"Yes, poor darling."
+
+"Fancy him having a thing like that! I suppose it's part of the price of
+keeping so young."
+
+"Oh, yes, isn't he young!"
+
+"They say this thing's going to run for years."
+
+"I hope not. I want to see him in something new. It's so wonderful how he's
+always the same and yet always different."
+
+"I want him to be in every play. I never go to one without thinking how
+much better he would be than the other leading man."
+
+"I saw that little what's-his-name imitate him the other evening. Really
+it's rather a shame."
+
+"Yes, I've seen it. I couldn't help laughing, but I hated myself for it.
+I'm sure, too, he doesn't waggle his head like that."
+
+"No! I couldn't see the point of that at all; but the people shrieked."
+
+"Pooh, they'd laugh at anything."
+
+"What did you like him best of all in?"
+
+"That's difficult. Of course he was priceless as the policeman. But then he
+was priceless as the American too, in that thing before this."
+
+"Well, I think--"
+
+And so on. Except that I never mention his name, and I have suppressed the
+titles of the plays, this is practically an exact reproduction of the
+conversation. Naturally many of the sentences overlapped, for ladies no
+less than gentlemen often talk at the same time; but otherwise I have
+reported faithfully.
+
+And who was the subject of these eulogies? You will guess at once when I
+say that he is probably the only actor in history who is referred to more
+often by his Christian name only than by his surname or full name. These
+young women who adored WALLER spoke of him not as LEWIS, but as LEWIS
+WALLER; and that is the usual custom. The divine SARAH is perhaps the only
+other histrion, and she is a woman, who may be spoken of simply as SARAH,
+with no risk of ambiguity. Ordinarily, as I say, we use either the surname
+only or the surname and Christian name combined, as ELLEN TERRY, VIOLET
+LORAINE, GEORGE GRAVES, GEORGE ROBEY, LESLIE HENSON, NELSON KEYS. But these
+four devotees referred to their hero always as GERALD; just GERALD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Punch's Navy Pages]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gallant Major (temporarily in the care of H.M.'s Navy)._
+"ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT AND--I SHALL DO AS I LIKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Survivor from U-Boat._ "KAMERAD! KAMERAD! IF I VOS ON LAND
+I VOS HOLD UP MEIN HANDS!"
+
+_Ordinary Seaman._ "WELL, YOUR FEET 'LL DO INSTEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _A.B._ "GIVE US YER KNIFE."          _Boy._ "AIN'T GOT IT."
+
+_A.B. (with bitter scorn of non-essentials)._ "GOT YER WRIST-WATCH ALL
+RIGHT, I S'POSE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Apollo._ "I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER--DID I?"
+
+_Neptune._ "NO. BUT YOU WAS TRYIN' ON ONE OF YER FASCINATIN' LOOKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ECHOES FROM JUTLAND.
+
+_Wine Steward (acting as one of Ammunition Supply Party)._ "WILL YOU TAKE
+LYDDITE OR SHRAPNEL, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT.
+
+_Commander (as the black he has tried to pot threatens to touch the port
+cushion)._ "LIST HER TO STARBOARD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "DAMNÉD SPOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU OUGHT REALLY TO MANAGE TO GET BLOWN TO BITS SOMEHOW,
+NOBBY. YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HEY, DONAL'! HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG."
+
+"OCH! A WISH IT MICHT BE A U-BOAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "PARDON ME! I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM THE
+SEA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I'VE HAD TO PAY A PENNY MORE FOR SCALLOPS
+TO-DAY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Landlord._ "WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR? WHY
+DIDN'T YOU PUT SOME COALS ON?"
+
+_Stoker._ "NOT LIKELY! I'M ON LEAVE, I AM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend._ "SEE YOU'RE IN A HURRY. WON'T KEEP YOU. OFF TO
+ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?"
+
+_Sub-Lieutenant H.M.S. "Unbendable."_ "NOT EXACTLY. FACT IS I'M DUE AT MME.
+GIROUETTE'S ACADEMY. STRUCK AGAINST A COUPLE OF NEW STEPS IN THE FOX TROT
+AT THE PILKINGTONS' LAST NIGHT--RATHER WORRIED ME. BYE-BYE. MUST SHOVE
+OFF!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Apologetic Golfer._ "I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW."
+ _Sailor._ "WELL, YOU'VE HIT ME AFT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tar (by way of opening the conversation)._ "AHEM! BEEN OUT
+IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones (who in going through his wardrobe has unearthed a
+memento of happier days at Margate)._ "WELL, IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE
+FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL HAVE TO BE THE NAVY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Artist (impatiently)._ "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT SOME
+EXPRESSION INTO IT! JUST IMAGINE YOU'VE COME THROUGH A TERRIBLE
+EXPERIENCE--SHIP TORPEDOED--YOU SOLE SURVIVOR. AFTER CLINGING TO A
+BELAYING-PIN NINETEEN HOURS IN THE OPEN SEA YOU ARE RESCUED AT THE LAST
+GASP. YOU ARE NOW RELATING YOUR ADVENTURES TO YOUR AGED PARENTS."
+
+_Model (obligingly)._ "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR--I CAN MANAGE IT. BUT EXCUSE
+ME. DID YOU SAY EIGHTEEN HOURS, OR WAS IT NINETEEN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _King Alfred (founder of the Navy)._ "MADAM, I WAS
+EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LET HER GO!"
+
+A TRAMP CHANTEY.
+
+  'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go);
+  They built 'er cheap an' they scamped 'er sore,
+  'Er rivets was putty, 'er plates was poor,
+  And then come in the PLIMSOLL line
+  Or I wouldn't be singin' this song o' mine.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  She was cranky an' foul, she was stubborn an' slow
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' she shipped it green when it come on to blow;
+  'Er crews was starved an' their wage was low,
+  An 'er bloomin' owners was ready to faint
+  At a scrape o' pitch or a penn'orth o' paint.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  But she's been 'ere an' she's been there
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' she's been almost everywhere;
+  An' wherever you went you'd sure see _'er_,
+  With 'er rust-red hawse an' 'er battered old funnel,
+  All muck an' dirt from 'er keel to 'er gun'le.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  She's earned 'er keep in a number o' climes
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go);
+  She's changed 'er name a number o' times,
+  Which won't fit right into these 'ere rhymes,
+  But the name of 'er now is the _Sound o' Mull_,
+  Built on the Tyne an' sails out of 'Ull.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' a breaker's price was 'er price before
+  The ships was scarce an' the freights did soar;
+  But she's fetched 'er fourteen pound a ton
+  On the Baltic Exchange since the War begun.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  So she's doin' 'er bit, which we all must do
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' whether she's old or whether she's new
+  Don't make much odds to a war-time crew,
+  But 'ooever's sunk or 'ooever's drowned,
+  The _Sound o' Mull_ keeps pluggin' around.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  An' when she goes, by night or by day
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  Either up or down, as she likely may,
+  I only 'ope as someone'll say:
+  "'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four;
+  She done 'er best an' she couldn't do more;
+  She warn't no swell an' she warn't no beauty,
+  But she come by 'er end in the way of 'er duty."
+              (Let 'er go!)           C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR
+ENDS, JACK?"
+
+"NO FEAR! IT SAYS 'ERE THAT 'INDENBURG'S TAKEN ALL THE ABLE-BODIED AN' PUT
+'EM ON TO WORK OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POULTICE.
+
+Call this cold? You orter been with me in '63, when I was whalin' in the
+North Atlantic. I was steward on the _Ella Wheeler_, 6,000 tons, out from
+New Caledonia. Our skipper was a reg'lar old bluenose, and some Tartar, I
+_don't_ think! Why, 'e'd lay yer out sooner than look at yer; an' once 'e
+put the cook in irons for two days 'cos the poor devil 'ad tumbled up
+against the side of the galley an' burnt the 'air off the side of 'is 'ead,
+and the old man said it was untidy; and we all 'ad to 'ave cold grub for
+two days--and in them latitudes! Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!
+
+But the worst of it was that we 'ad no doctor on board, and when anybody
+took sick the old man insisted on doctorin' 'im 'isself; and 'e 'ad only
+one way of treatin' every disease in the 'orspitals. "Put 'im into 'is
+bunk," he says, "and wait till I bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for's
+chest." Tooth-ache or chilblains, a pain in yer stummick or ring-worm--'e
+always says the same thing, "Put 'im in his bunk," he says, "and I'll bring
+'im a 'ot linseed poultice for 's chest." And 'e brought it and put it on
+with 'is own 'ands too! There was no gettin' out of it if once 'e 'eard you
+were sick. Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!
+
+There was Pete Malone--'ad a great mop of 'air like a lion or a
+musician--must needs go washing one day on deck, like a fool. It was all
+right as long as 'e 'ad the 'ot water and the soapsuds goin'; but 'e give
+'is 'ead a rinse, an' stood up, and, swelpme, before 'e could get the towel
+to work every single 'air 'e 'd got 'ad its own private icicle, an' 'is
+silly 'ead looked like a silver-plated porkypine.
+
+Well, as I was saying, we were about a 'undred-and-fifty mile from the
+nearest land, which 'ud be the West coast of Greenland, bearin' about E. by
+N., when we thought that at last we were going' to get one back on the old
+man. It was this way. One bitter cold night 'e was makin' 'is way aft to
+turn in, when 'e slips up where a wave 'ad froze on the deck, an' e' goes
+wallop down the 'ole length of the companion, from top to bottom, an' busts
+three of 'is ribs. Of course we all ran an' picked 'im up, an' _said_ we
+'oped 'e wasn't much 'urt. But 'e says, "None of yer jabber, ye swines;
+'elp me inter my bunk, and two of yer bring me a 'ot linseed poultice for
+my chest."
+
+Well, we puts 'im in 'is bunk, and I catches the eye of the first mate, and
+we goes out together. "Mick," says I, "'e's askin' for a 'ot poultice. Lord
+send there's a good fire in the galley!" "If there ain't," says Micky to
+me, "we'll damn'd soon make one." So we makes a fire such as none of the
+ship's company 'ad ever seen; and we gets two buckets of water, one very
+near full, and the other about a quarter full, and we soon 'as 'em both on
+the boil. Then we makes the poultice in the drop of water; and when 'e was
+ready, we gets the grid and puts it across the top of the other bucket, and
+lays the poultice on the grid, and me and the mate picks up the full bucket
+with two pair o' tongs, 'olding a torch under 'er to keep 'er at the boil.
+
+When the old man saw us 'is face twisted a bit! But talk about cold! We
+slapped the poultice on to 'im, and, if you'll believe me, inside o' ninety
+seconds the thing 'ad _froze 'ard on 'im_, and formed a splint, and--saved
+'is life, blarst 'im!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.]
+
+[Illustration: SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lieutenant ----, R.N., to Lieutenant ----, R.N. (they are
+paying one of those periodical visits to a lonely island in the South
+Pacific)._ "THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY ARE FROM ALL THE
+WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY CIVILISED."
+
+_First Wretched Islander to Second Wretched Islander._ "DOES THIS VISIT
+INTRIGUE YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND THE LAST THING MY MISSUS SAID TO ME WAS, 'BRING US 'OME
+SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fond Teuton Parent (to super-tar home on leave)._ "AND YOU
+LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?"
+
+_Fritz._ "I LOVE HER! SHE'S A WONDER! SUCH SPEED! WHENEVER WE RACE BACK TO
+PORT SHE'S BEEN FIRST EVERY TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Karl._ "WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT MORE MEN
+FOR THE NAVY. WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHERE ARE THEY TO COME FROM?"
+
+_Gretchen._ "BE CALM, KARL. DOUBTLESS OUR GLORIOUS PROFESSORS OF CHEMISTRY
+WILL INVENT A SUBSTITUTE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BREATH OF LIBERTY.
+
+THE GERMAN AUTOCRAT. "THEY MAY FIND THIS WIND VERY BRACING IN RUSSIA BUT IT
+MAKES ME FEEL EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 19th._--Captain BATHURST announced that the FOOD CONTROLLER
+would issue an order fixing the retail price of swedes at a figure
+involving a reduction of "something like 200 per cent." The FOOD
+CONTROLLER, as his faithful henchman subsequently remarked, "is always
+doing his best," but if he can really reduce the price of a commodity to
+100 per cent. less than nothing I hope he will not confine his activity to
+a solitary vegetable.
+
+I am afraid that envy was the predominant feeling aroused by Mr. SNOWDEN'S
+story of the family in New Cavendish Street which secured in a single order
+from a single firm no less than sixty-three pounds of sugar. Lest any Hon.
+Members should be tempted to try and do likewise Captain BATHURST promptly
+announced that another order prohibiting hoarding would shortly be issued.
+The House cheered, for, as a journalist Member remarked with gloomy
+satisfaction, "It is only fair that 'no posters' should be followed by 'no
+hoarding.'"
+
+The PRIME MINISTER paid one of his angelic visits to the House to give the
+latest information of the revolution in Russia. His description of it as
+"one of the landmarks in the history of the world" evoked loud cheers, but
+even louder were those which came from the Nationalist benches when he
+remarked that "free peoples are the best defenders of their own honour."
+
+_Tuesday, March 20th._--A long cross-examination of the representative of
+the Air Board produced one valuable statement which Members generally might
+bear in mind. Mr. BILLING asked if it was not "in the public interest or in
+the interests of this House" that certain contracts should be discussed.
+Fixing him with his eye-glass, Major BAIRD replied, "No, the interests of
+the House and of the public, I take it, are the same as the interests of
+the nation."
+
+[Illustration: DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON CHURCHILL.]
+
+If there was any lingering doubt as to the main responsibility for the
+inception--as apart from the carrying out--of the Dardanelles affair Mr.
+CHURCHILL himself must have removed it. Unlike his former chief he welcomes
+the publication of the Report, which in his opinion has shared among a
+number of eminent personages a burden formerly borne by himself alone. But
+his enthusiasm for the project as it originally formed itself in his
+fertile brain is undiminished, and he still marvels that for the want of a
+little further sacrifice we should have abandoned the chance of cutting
+Turkey out of the War, and uniting in one friendly federation the States of
+the Balkans.
+
+_Wednesday, March 21st._--General MAUDE'S manifesto to the people of
+Baghdad, with its allusions to the tyranny under which they had long been
+suffering, did not escape the eagle eye of Mr. DEVLIN, ever anxious to
+scarify British hypocrisy. So he drafted a long question to the PRIME
+MINISTER, embodying the most salient passages of the manifesto. Much to his
+disgust it appeared on the Paper without its "most beautiful and striking
+passages." The SPEAKER explained that he had blue-pencilled "a good deal of
+Oriental and flowery language not suitable to our Western climate." Not the
+least part of the joke is the rumour that the manifesto was largely the
+work of a Member of the House well versed in Eastern lore.
+
+_Thursday, March 22nd._--The Ministry of National Service, being unprovided
+at present with a Parliamentary Secretary, is supposed to be represented in
+the House by Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON. But as the Member for Barnard Castle has
+important functions to perform in the War Cabinet and is rarely in the
+House he usually deputes some other Member of the Government to answer
+Questions addressed to him. To-day the lot fell upon Mr. BECK, who
+good-temperedly explained, when a shower of "supplementaries" rained down
+upon him, that he really knew nothing about the Department he was
+temporarily representing. This led to a tragedy, for Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL
+worked himself into a paroxysm of excitement over this constitutional
+enormity, and finally sat down on his hat. "I only wish his head had been
+in it," muttered a brother Irishman--from Ulster.
+
+Believers in "the hidden hand," which is supposed to paralyse our military
+efforts, are divided in opinion as to whether this cryptic member is most
+actively employed by Lord HALDANE, Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON or Sir EYRE CROWE,
+Assistant-Secretary to the Foreign Office. They will probably regard Lord
+ROBERT CECIL'S statement that some seven years ago Sir EYRE drew up a
+memorandum calling the attention of Sir EDWARD GREY to the grave dangers
+that threatened this country from Germany as further evidence of his
+duplicity. The rest of the world will rejoice at Lord ROBERT'S spirited
+vindication of "one of the ablest of our public servants," who, despite
+Miss CHRISTABEL PANKHURST, is not one of "the three black crows" of
+legendary fame.
+
+When Sir H. DALZIEL, at the outset of his appeal to the Government to make
+another attempt to settle the Irish Question, promised that he would not
+"explore the noxious vapours of the past," I feared the worst. But he was
+as good as his word, and spared us any gruesome excavations in ancient
+Irish history. Major HILLS did even better by implying that it was only
+during the last ten years that the question had warped and diverted our
+domestic politics. If all Irishmen were as reasonable and moderate as Mr.
+RONALD MCNEILL showed himself this afternoon it would not need settling,
+for it would never have arisen. He only asked, if sacrifices were
+necessary, that Ulster should not alone be expected to make them. Sir HAMAR
+GREENWOOD, as the great-grandson of a Canadian rebel who took twelve sons
+into the field--"almost his whole family," added his descendant--insisted
+that the Colonial method of securing Home Rule was the best--first agree
+among yourselves, and then go to the Imperial Parliament to sanction your
+scheme. And perhaps, after the conciliatory spirit displayed in to-day's
+debate, that is not so impossible oven in Ireland as it seemed a few weeks
+ago. Hitherto every attempt of the British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of
+Destiny up the Hill of Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready
+to roll it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate to
+instal it there as the throne of a loyal and united Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERBS OF GRACE.
+
+IV.
+
+THYME.
+
+  All things true,
+    All things sweet--
+  Summer-dawn dew
+    And Love's heart-beat;
+  All things holy,
+  Hill-flow'rs lowly,
+    A far church-chime--
+  _These things dwell_
+    _In the smell_
+      _Of Thyme._
+
+  All things clean,
+    All things pure--
+  Joys that have been
+    And faiths that endure;
+  All things sunny,
+  Bee-song and honey,
+    Sheep-walks, rhyme--
+  _These things dwell_
+    _In the smell_
+      _Of Thyme._
+
+  All things set
+    With sharp sweet pain--
+  April regret
+    For vows yet vain;
+  All things fragrant,
+  Thoughts long vagrant
+    From Beauty's clime--
+  _These things dwell_
+    _In the smell_
+      _Of Thyme._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir John Simon, K.C., cited as an illustration the friendship between
+    Daniel and Jonathan. The Lord Chief Justice: I become very nervous when
+    you support your law by quoting Scripture."--_Daily Mail._
+
+We always feel more nervous when people _mis_quote Scripture for their
+purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Lord Mayor of London, Sir William Dunn, accompanied by other
+    members of the City Council in their robes, and the Lady Mayoress, were
+    amongst the very large conflagration at St. Patrick's, Soho. An
+    eloquent sermon was preached."--_Irish Paper._
+
+"Burning words," indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of the difficulties of the members of the Press Gallery
+in reporting Mr. BONAR LAW:--
+
+    "Since he has become leader of the House they have aged and grown
+    haggard and dejected. The sound of his voice fills them with
+    bread."--_Birmingham Daily Post._
+
+Well, in these days that ought to afford them ample consolation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Richard L. Borden's name, now a household word, became familiar
+    only six years ago."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But even now he is not so well known as Sir ROBERT!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE PROFUNDIS.
+
+When I went round the trenches a day or two before we were to move in, the
+great frost was still in possession; but there was a mild feeling in the
+air.
+
+"I can thoroughly recommend these trenches to you, Sir," said the occupier
+in a businesslike manner. "Commodious and well built, fitted throughout
+with the latest pattern duck-boards and reached by three charmingly
+sequestered communication trenches, named Hic, Haec and Hoc. The dug-outs
+are well equipped and well sunk. The whole would form an ideal retreat for
+gentlemen of quiet tastes."
+
+"Good. And the people over the way?"
+
+"Unobtrusive and retiring to a degree."
+
+"In fact," I said, "a most select neighbourhood--unless it thaws."
+
+He dropped pleasantries and answered very seriously. "If it thaws, Heaven
+help you. There's enough water frozen up in these walls to drown the lot of
+you."
+
+It did thaw.
+
+When we relieved, we waded up to the line through miles of trenches all
+knee-deep in water, to the accompaniment of ominous splashes as the sides
+began to fall in. When daylight came we found our select estate converted
+into a system of canals filled with a substance varying in consistency from
+coffee to glue. Hic, Haec and Hoc, owing to the wear and tear of constant
+traffic, became especially gluey, and after a time we rechristened them
+respectively the Great Ooze, the Little Ooze and the River Styx--the last
+not solely in reference to its adhesive qualities, but also because such a
+number of things went West in it. Some time after the original duck-boards
+had sunk out of our depth we could still move along Styx on a solid bottom
+composed of lost gum-boots, abandoned rations and the like. At last, when
+Frankie, struggling up to the line with the rum ration, was forced to dump
+his precious burden in order to save his life, we pronounced Styx
+impassable and thenceforth proceeded along the top after dusk.
+
+The Great Ooze still remained just possible for those whose business took
+them back and forward during the day, but even here were spots in which it
+was worse than unwise to linger. As I squelched painfully through one of
+these on our last day in the line, I found one Private Harrison firmly
+embedded to the top of his thigh-boots. He told me he had been struggling
+vainly for about an hour.
+
+"Give me your hands," I said.
+
+I tugged, but could get no proper purchase. Harrison grew gradually black
+in the face, but remained immovable. I tried another plan. I turned about,
+and Harrison clasped his hands round my neck. Then I walked away.... At
+least that was the idea.
+
+"Harrison," I said anxiously after a determined struggle, "were you
+standing on the duckboards?"
+
+"Yes, Sir. I still am."
+
+"Heavens, so am I. Let go. I've got to get myself out now."
+
+By using Harrison as a stepping-stone to higher things I just managed to
+heave myself out. I surveyed him panting.
+
+"In about an hour it'll be dusk. I'll bring some men and a rope and haul
+you out then. If that fails we'll simply have to hand you over as trench
+stores when we get relieved."
+
+As soon as Fritz's wire had disappeared into the gathering gloom I took out
+my little rescue party. We threw the captive a rope and began to pull
+scientifically under direction of a sergeant skilled in tugs-of-war.
+
+"Heave, you men," I whispered excitedly. "He's coming."
+
+He was, but without his boots. Inch by inch we dragged him out of them. The
+strain was terrific. Suddenly--much too suddenly--the tension broke.
+Harrison shot into the air and fell again with a dull thud in the Ooze
+beside his boots, while the rescue party collapsed head over heels into an
+adjacent shell-hole.
+
+Harrison seemed a little peevish, but consented to try again. The rope
+tautened, and there was a sharp crack from below.
+
+"'Old on," cried the prisoner sharply, "me braces is bust."
+
+"Can't think o' braces now," grunted my burly sergeant. "Heave-ho, lads, up
+she comes!"
+
+Harrison was pulled clean out of his nether garments, cursing bitterly as
+the wind caught his bare legs, and hung suspended between earth and water,
+amid ribald comments from above.
+
+One more pull would do it. But at that moment Fritz, apparently feeling
+that we weren't taking his war seriously enough, opened up with a
+machine-gun. The rescue party dropped the rope and rolled heavily into the
+shell-hole, and the sorely tried Harrison found himself back again, but
+face downwards this time, and held by his arms up to the elbows.
+
+We could hear horrible language, and after a moment, all being quiet, I
+crawled to the edge and looked over. His last struggle had split Harrison's
+tunic and pulled it clean off his back; and now, with his shirt-tail
+trailing dismally in the Ooze, he was making the best of his own way to the
+dressing-station, ungratefully consigning his gallant rescuers to complete
+and lasting perdition as he went.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER."
+
+"YES, SIR. IT MAKES SOME OF US OLDER ONES FEEL A BIT MUFTI, DON'T IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TOPICAL TRAGEDY.
+
+  Jim Startin was not loved at school;
+  We thought him rather knave than fool.
+  Migrating thence to Oxford, he
+  Failed to secure a pass degree.
+  Years sped--some twenty--ere again
+  Jim Startin swam into my ken.
+  I met him strolling down the Strand
+  Well-dressed, well-nourished, sleek and bland,
+  A high-class journalistic swell--
+  The Headline Expert of _The Yell_.
+  Great at the art, in peaceful days,
+  Of finding means our scalps to raise,
+  The War had since revealed in him
+  A super-Transatlantic vim,
+  And day by day his paper's bills
+  Gave us fresh epileptic thrills.
+  The sons of Belial, in the rhyme
+  Of DRYDEN, had a glorious time,
+  But never managed to attain
+  To Jim's success in giving pain.
+  But while his power was at its height
+  It perished in a single night;
+  For, with his bills by law abolished,
+  Jim's occupation was demolished;
+  Headlines that can't be blazed abroad
+  On bills and posters are a fraud;
+  They cease to titillate the mob
+  Or draw the pennies from its fob,
+  So Jim was "fired" and lost his job.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (to coalheavers)._ "_SO_ SWEET OF YOU TO COME. I DO
+HOPE YOU'LL COME AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "More to the west the British marked fresh progress south of
+    Achiet-le-Petit, where their lines were advanced on a front of 2
+    kilometres (1-1/4 miles). Finally the Germans fell back for the length
+    of 2 kilometres (5/8 mile) between Essarts and Gommecourt."--_The
+    Evening News._
+
+The road home always seems shorter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The enemy went at the moment when he left because he was shelled
+    out."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Of course he might have had a different motive if he had gone the moment
+after he left.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She was wearing a three-quarter red coat with glass buttons to match a
+    heavy blue skirt with low neck."
+
+We never have approved of these _décolletés_ skirts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Flapper._ "THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR! HE GLARED AT
+ME AS IF I HADN'T PAID ANY FARE."
+
+_Second Flapper._ "AND WHAT DID YOU DO?"
+
+_First Flapper._ "I JUST GLARED BACK AT HIM--AS IF I HAD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRUIT MERCHANT.
+
+"I feel regular down this morning, Sir," said Private Thomas Weeks, as I
+seated myself beside his bed; "regular down, I do."
+
+It was such a very unusual greeting from this source that I said anxiously,
+"Not the leg gone wrong?"
+
+"No, the old leg's fine. It's the stopping of the imports." He indicated
+the morning paper which he had just laid aside. "It's just about bust up my
+old business."
+
+I took the paper and glanced down the list of prohibited articles. Clocks
+and parts thereof, perfumery, and quails (live) caught my eye. I didn't
+think it could be any of these.
+
+"What was your business?" I asked.
+
+"Fruit merchant, Sir. Barrow trade, you understand. 'Awker, some calls it.
+But it don't much matter now what it's called, 'cos it's bust up."
+
+"Not quite bust up, is it?" I said. "Only a bit cut down for a time."
+
+"That may be," he said, "but I got a strong affection for the trade, Sir, a
+very strong affection, and I can't 'elp feeling it. Why, rightly speaking,
+it was the fruit trade what got me my D.C.M."
+
+"Did it though? How was that?"
+
+"Well, it was like this. I bin callin' fruit a good many years. I could
+call fruit with anyone. When I calls ''Oo sez a blood orange?' at
+Kennington Lane, you could 'ear it pretty well as far as New Cross. Same
+with ''Ave a banana?' If you're to do the trade you must make the people
+'ear. It ain't no good bein' like them chaps what stands in the gutter and
+whispers, 'Umberella ring a penny,' to their boots."
+
+"But what about the D.C.M.?"
+
+"I'm comin' to it, Sir. You see, I got it in connection with a little bit
+o' work Trones Wood way. Through various circs, fault o' nobody really, me
+and Sam Corney found ourselves alone alongside a dug-out full o' Bosches.
+If we'd 'ad a few bombs we'd 'a' bin all right, but we 'adn't. I sez to
+Sam, 'We must scare 'em,' I sez, and I shouts, '_'Oo says a blood orange?_'
+at the top o' my voice into the dug-out, which was dark, of course, and I
+stands in the doorway with my bayonet ready. I can't say what they mistook
+it for. Crack o' doom, Sam sez. But eight come out o' that dug-out with
+their 'ands up. I sent Sam off 'ome with 'em, though they'd 'a' gone with
+no escort at all, I reckon, bein' sort o' stunned. And I went on down the
+trench.
+
+"At the turn there was another dug-out. '_'Ave a banana?_' I yells, and out
+come ten of 'em, cryin' for mercy. I took 'em back to what we calls
+Petticoat Lane and 'ands 'em over and come up again. But I didn't get no
+more barrow-work that day, and my D.C.M. was for them prisoners right
+enough. So now you see what I feels like about the fruit business. It's
+like an old pal bein' done in."
+
+"I shouldn't worry too much about it," I said. "You've each had a bit of a
+knock-out; but you'll soon be on your legs again, and so will your barrow,
+and going strong, both of you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCOTLAND YET.
+
+    [Dr. GEORG BIEDENKAPP, writing in the _Münchner Neueste Nachrichten_,
+    says that if you examine any famous "Englishman" you find that he
+    really comes from Scotland, to which country he assigns a place with
+    Suabia, Thuringia, and the Hartz Mountains as "a cradle of Kultur and a
+    fountain of first-class genius."]
+
+  Man Sandy, here's a German Hun
+    Wha thinks he's on a track
+  That nane hae trodden, having fun'
+    A new an' stairtlin' fac';
+  A' English thocht he doots is nocht,
+    An' English ways are henious,
+  But ah, says he, in Scotland see
+    The hame o' first-class genius.
+
+  New? Why, my feyther kent it fine,
+    An', Sandy, I'll be sworn
+  The knowledge o' the fac' was mine
+    Or ever I was born;
+  If there be ane wad daur maintain
+    The truth is still to settle,
+  I haena met the madman yet
+    In bonny braw Kingskettle.
+
+  Ay, yon's a truth that's kent fu' weel
+    In ilka but an' ben;
+  But I could teach the German chiel
+    A truth he doesna ken;
+  Gin ye would find the hame o' mind
+    An' intellectual life, man,
+  Ye needna look far frae the Nook,
+    The bonny Nook o' Fife, man.
+
+  Whaur did our good EX-PREMIER go
+    Whene'er he wished to swank?
+  To Lunnon? Edinburgh? No!
+    He cam' to Ladybank;
+  Nae doot he thocht if there was ocht
+    Would put him on his mettle
+  'Twas meetin' men o' brain, ye ken,
+    Like us frae auld Kingskettle.
+
+  Fleet Street is fu' o' Fifers tae;
+    The Cockneys want the views
+  O' men like JOCK MCFARLANE frae
+    _The Crail and Cupar News_;
+  For if a chiel can write sae weel
+    That you an' me will read him,
+  Why, man, withoot a shade o' doot
+    Lunnon is sure to need him.
+
+  Then tak' the Army. What d'ye see?
+    Wha's chief? Nae need to tell
+  That DOUGLAS HAIG is prood to be
+    A Fifer like mesel';
+  An' weel he may, for truth to say
+    There's something aye aboot us:
+  In ilka trade they want oor aid--
+    They canna win withoot us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wedding Fashions, B.C.
+
+    "The bridesmaid was attired in pink carnations."--_"Daily Colonist,"
+    Victoria, British Columbia._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+Jim and me could never 'ave got through the six weeks we was billeted with
+Mrs. Sweedle if we 'adn't been 'ardened by Mrs. Larkins in the way I 'ave
+described.
+
+Mrs. Sweedle were a widow woman with a big family, besides a aged father
+and a brother who suffered with fits. The billetin' orficer was afraid she
+wouldn't he able to take us in, but Mrs. Sweedle was willin' and eager.
+
+"Bless their hearts, that I will," she said; "it shall never be said I
+turned a soldier from my door. Nobody knows better than I do what soldiers
+is in an 'ouse. Always merry and bright and ready to put their 'ands to
+anything when a poor woman's work's never done and she's delicate and
+liable to the sick-'eadache in the mornin's. There's the week's clothes to
+go through the wringer, but I know what soldiers is for a wringer; they
+can't leave it alone. And if I 'appens to overlay meself I know there's no
+cause to worry about Grandfer's cup o' tea, nor yet Bobby and Tom and
+Albert gettin' off to school tidy. Like as not they'll do me more credit
+than if I washed 'em meself; there's nobody like a soldier for puttin' a
+polish on children."
+
+Mrs. Sweedle overlaid herself the very first mornin', and sent word by
+Albert if we would be so kind as make her a cup o' tea when we was makin'
+Grandfer's it might save her a doctor; and the wood for the fire was out in
+the yard, and she knew, bein' soldiers, we should chop her a barrer-load
+while we was about it; and when she crawled downstairs presently the
+breakfast things would be washed and put away, as was the 'abit of
+soldiers, and very likely the pertaters peeled for dinner.
+
+It bein' a strange 'ouse and we not knowin' where to put our 'ands on
+anythin', and, when we'd got the kettle to boil, not bein' able to let it
+out of our sight owin' to the youngest little Sweedle wantin' to drink out
+of the spout, Jim and me was regler drove. We was as near late for parade
+as we 'ave ever been in our lives. Mrs. Sweedle was very upset. "I know
+what soldiers is for punctuality," she said, "a minute late and they're
+court-martialled. How would it be if you was to lay the fire over-night and
+scrub over the floor? It 'ud save ye a lot in the mornin', if so be I'm
+forced to keep me bed."
+
+We done as she advised, and it were fortunate. She 'ad another
+sick-'eadache the next day, and sent word by Albert would we be so good as
+bake her a mouthful of toast; she knew what soldiers' toast was like, it
+give ye a appetite to look at it, thin and crisp, with the butter laid on
+smooth as cream and cut in fingers.
+
+We never run no risk after that. 'Owever dog-tired we was and 'owever Mrs.
+Sweedle seemed in 'ealth we always got the work forward over-night, and
+when we could catch 'old of Bobby and Tom and Albert we washed 'em to save
+time in the mornin' and parted their 'air.
+
+One day Mrs. Sweedle were well enough to get up. "I know who's goin' to
+'ave a treat now," she said. Our 'arts leapt. We did 'ope she might be
+goin' to say we was to sit down to our breakfasts.
+
+"Grandfer's goin' to be shaved, and not 'ave to pay tuppence out of 'is
+poor pension," she said. "There's nobody can shave like a soldier." And
+when Jim 'ad got the old man by the nose she said to me, "I can see what
+you want to be at, shakin' these mats with your strong arm and savin' me
+comin' on giddy."
+
+It were very 'ard at first, but after a bit Jim and me got into the work at
+Mrs. Sweedle's and was just able to get through with it, except the mornin'
+her brother 'ad a fit when we was racin' to finish the washin'-up. That
+fair broke our backs. We 'ad a sort of seizure on parade and 'ad to fall
+out till we got our breaths back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECOGNISED.
+
+  Give ear to my words and you shall hear
+  The song of the British Volunteer,
+  Who started out when the War began
+  As a middle-aged mostly grey-haired man.
+  Too old to be sent to join the dance
+  Of the doughty fellows who fought in France,
+  He refused to go on the dusty shelf,
+  And he set to work and he bought himself
+  A spirited grey-green uniform,
+  With a cap to match and a British warm,
+            And he took his fill
+            Of the latest drill;
+  But somehow they didn't seem to prize him
+  Or wish in the least to recognise him.
+
+  But now they have let him cast away
+  His excellent clothes of green and grey;
+            They think they can use him,
+            And don't refuse him,
+  And  they've  dressed him up and they've dressed him down
+  In a regular suit of khaki brown;
+            He has been gazetted
+            And properly vetted
+  As able to march five miles at least,
+  Though he puffs a bit when the speed 's increased;
+            And he can double
+            Without much trouble,
+  And do such deeds as a man must do
+  Who is willing to help to see things through.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Wholesale Order.
+
+    "Lieut-Colonel ---- received the K.C.B. and other decorations, including
+    C.M.G.s, D.S.O.s, Military Crosses, and Royal Red Crosses."--_Evening
+    Standard._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From "Paris Theatrical Notes":--
+
+    "The programme for to-day at the Opéra compromises 'Samson et
+    Dalila.'"--_Continental Daily Mail._
+
+It sounds a little superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+_Alfred Lyttelton: An Account of his Life_, by EDITH LYTTELTON (LONGMANS),
+is a most fascinating book. Mrs. ALFRED LYTTELTON might perhaps have
+contented herself with writing a formal biography of her husband. It would
+have been difficult for her, but she might, as I say, have done it. Instead
+of this she takes her readers by the hand in the friendliest manner and
+admits them with her into the heart and soul of the man with whom she was
+for twenty years associated. She shows him as what he was, a noble and
+upright English gentleman, straightforward and tender-hearted, and beloved
+in a quite exceptional measure by all who were privileged to be his
+friends. I can only be grateful to Mrs. LYTTELTON for having interpreted
+her duty in this manner, and for having carried it out with so sure a hand.
+As I read her pages I saw again in my mind's eye the loose-limbed,
+curly-headed young son of Anak as he swung down Jesus Lane, Cambridge, or
+as he witched the world with noble cricketing at Fenner's or at Lord's. It
+is good to be able to remember him. His Eton tutor described him as being
+"like a running stream with the sun on it," and there was, indeed, a charm
+about him that was irresistible. Mrs. LYTTELTON devotes a beautiful chapter
+to the memory of ALFRED'S first wife, LAURA, who died after one short year
+of happiness. "She was a flame," says Mrs. LYTTELTON, "beautiful, dancing,
+ardent, leaping up from the earth in joyous rapture, touching everyone with
+fire as she passed. The wind of life was too fierce for such a spirit--she
+could not live in it. Surely it was Love that gathered her." I have only
+one little bone to pick, and that not with Mrs. LYTTELTON, but with Lord
+MIDLETON, who in a page or two of reminiscences describes as one of
+ALFRED'S triumphs at the Bar his appearance as counsel for the Warden of
+Morton, Mr. GEORGE BRODRICK. The Warden, having said something offensive
+about Mr. DILLON, was hailed before the Parnell Commission for contempt of
+court. ALFRED put in an affidavit by the Warden, in which the whole thing
+was said to be a joke, and in his speech he chaffed Mr. REID (now Lord
+LOREBURN), who was counsel for Mr. DILLON, for being a Scotsman, with a
+natural incapacity for seeing a joke. So far Lord MIDLETON; but he omits
+Mr. REID'S crushing retort. "Even a Scotsman," said Mr. REID, "may be
+pardoned for not seeing a joke which has to be certified by affidavit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JEFFERY E. JEFFERY has been playing cheerful tricks on the British
+public. We must forgive him, because he has for a long time been doing far
+worse than that to the Huns; but it is undeniable that in following the
+winding trail of his beloved guns we are in no small danger of losing our
+sense of direction. This is because along with imaginary tales, some of
+them written before August, 1914, when of course he could not fix precisely
+the chronology and locality of his fights, he has mixed almost
+indiscriminately the record of his own actual experiences during two
+distinct phases of the War. Not until the last page does he abandon the
+jest to explain--with something of a school-boy grin--just where fact and
+fiction meet, and so enable me to recover from my bewilderment and pass on
+a word of warning. Once on your guard, however, you will find his story of
+the _Servants of the Guns_ (SMITH, ELDER), and more especially the first
+half of it (dealing, in diary form, with his recent adventures as an
+officer of Artillery--he does not state his present rank), as vivid and
+real as anything of the sort you have seen. Field-gun warfare of
+to-day--mathematics, telephones and mud--with little more of old-time dash
+and jingle than the hope that some to-morrow may revive them in the Great
+Pursuit--this is his theme; and above all the loyalty of the gunner to his
+guns. Even the story-book part in the middle of the volume speaks of this
+finely and movingly; but here and there amongst his personal experiences
+comes a passage less consciously composed that tells it even better in the
+bareness of a great simplicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J.D. BERESFORD'S new story, _House-Mates_ (CASSELL), might be regarded
+as an awful warning to young gentlemen seeking bachelor-apartments.
+Because, if the hero had been a little more careful about his
+fellow-lodgers at No. 73 Keppel Street, he would not, in the first place,
+have been defrauded of a large sum of money, or, in the second, have been
+involved in a peculiarly revolting murder. (The special hatefulness of this
+murder strikes me as rather superfluous. But this by the way.) On the other
+hand, of course, he would never have married the heroine, and we should
+have missed a very agreeable study of expanding adolescence. This, I take
+it, is the real motive of Mr. BERESFORD'S story, as exemplified by his
+pleasant introductory metaphor of the chicken and the egg. From the
+feminine point of view, indeed, the tale might be not inaptly labelled
+"Treatise on Cub-hunting." Anyhow, what with strange actresses and I.D.B.
+criminals and painted ladies and reviewers (they _were_ a queer lot at No.
+73!) the hero completes his tenancy with enough experience of life, chiefly
+on its shadowy side, to last him for some time. An original and rather
+appealing story, told with a good deal of charm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was waiting for it, and now, behold, it has come. In _The Shining
+Heights_ (MILLS AND BOON) the War is over and we have to do with some of
+the results of it. Unfortunately Miss I.A.R. WYLIE is very chary about
+dates, and she is not encouraging about the changes which most of us hope
+will come with peace. "Social conditions indeed," she writes, "had scarcely
+moved. Universal brotherhood was not ... and, for the vast majority of men
+and women it had been easiest to go back to the old work, the old pleasure,
+the old love and the old hate." Well, I don't know much about universal
+brotherhood, but for the rest I sincerely hope that these gloomy
+prognostications are wrong. As for the story, laid in the Delectable Duchy,
+no one needs to be told that Miss WYLIE is a novelist of considerable power
+and capacity, and here she has chosen a theme of very real interest. It is
+the rivalry of two men, one of whom had returned from the War with wounds
+and a V.C., while the other had never taken part in it because he believed
+(with justification) that he was on the point of making a discovery of
+value to humanity. The story is well constructed and well told, but I am
+beginning to think that it is time for Cornwall to be declared a prohibited
+area for all novelists except Mr. CHARLES MARRIOTT and "Q."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yet more theatrical recollections. The latest volume of them is _My
+Remembrances_ (CASSELL), in which Mr. EDWARD H. SOTHERN recounts, with the
+pleasant humour to be expected from him, what he quaintly (and quite
+unjustifiably) calls "The Melancholy Tale of Me." One has heard that Mr.
+SOTHERN, now that he has retired from the stage, proposes to live in
+England; the book explains such an intention by its evidence of the
+writer's intense love for this country. Naturally he has a rich stock of
+good stories, amongst which I was delighted to welcome yet once again that
+old favourite about the departing spectator who, on being told that two
+Acts remained to be performed, said briefly, "That's why I'm going!" Newer
+(to me) was the _Dundreary_ tale that told how the elder SOTHERN'S triumph
+was actually the result of JEFFERSON'S partiality for horse-exercise. The
+connection I leave you to find out. Like all volumes of its kind, _My
+Remembrances_ abounds in photographs. At times, indeed, you may be tempted
+to consider that the domain of the family portrait album has been too
+largely usurped. But there is even about this a friendliness which, coupled
+with the brisk style of its writing, will give the book a popularity as
+wide as that of its author.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We all know that Mr. WILLIAM CAINE has a gay humour, and he indulges it
+liberally, sometimes rollickingly, in _The Fan_. With a candour which I
+warmly commend he states conspicuously that most of these stories have
+appeared before, and he expresses his acknowledgments to various Editors
+over a widish range--from _Macmillan's Magazine_ to _London Opinion_, and
+from _The English Review_ to _Answers_. It would be an innocent diversion
+to have to guess which story was written for which Editor. But for whatever
+public the author caters he is, with only one or two exceptions, out for
+fun, and he gets it. Some of his stories are pure extravaganzas, but they
+are written in a style unusually good for this kind, and by a very shrewd
+observer of human foibles. Messrs. METHUEN tell us that Mr. CAINE "views
+life from an angle all his own," and although I do not often find myself in
+agreement with publishers' opinions of their own wares it is to me a right
+angle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ECONOMIC ERA.
+
+PROVIDE YOUR OWN WATER SUPPLY AND RELEASE A WATER-RATE COLLECTOR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+           "THE FOOD HOARDERS THREATENED.
+
+    NOT MORE THAN 1 TON OF COAL AT A TIME."--_Daily News._
+
+Then, as the vulgar have it, the food-hoarders will just have to go and eat
+coke.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, March 28, 1917, by Various
+
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+    <title>Punch, March 28th, 1917.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+March 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 1, 2005 [EBook #14856]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>March 28th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189"
+       id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/189.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/189.png"
+             alt="AS I WAS A-SAYIN', BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED" />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Torpedoed mine-sweeper</i> (<i>to his pal</i>). "AS I
+        WAS A-SAYIN', BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED, IT'S MY BELIEF
+        AS 'OW THE SUBMARINE BLOKES AIN'T ON 'ARF AS RISKY A JOB AS
+        THE BOYS IN THE AIRY-O-PLANES."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>Charged at Kingston with being an absentee from military
+    service, a man of retiring habits stated that he did not know
+    the country was at war. When told that we were fighting the
+    Germans he was greatly interested.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Hamburg hotel-keepers have decided to abolish the
+    practice of charging more for food in cases where wine or beer
+    are not consumed. The reason given&mdash;that there was no wine
+    or beer to be consumed&mdash;is so trivial that a deeper motive
+    may well be suspected.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"That is how we lawyers live, because lay-men have such
+    queer ideas," said Judge CLUER in a recent case. Nevertheless,
+    the view that lawyers shouldn't be allowed to live is not
+    without its ardent supporters.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>The Manchester Guardian</i> has issued an "Empire
+    number." It is pleasant to know that all differences between
+    the Empire and our contemporary, due to the former's
+    ill-advised participation in the War, have been satisfactorily
+    adjusted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Events have happened so swiftly of late that up to the time
+    of going to press a contemporary had not decided who should be
+    "<i>The Man who Dined with the Tsar</i>."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Virginia-creepers are recommended by a contemporary as a
+    "tasty vegetable." In one large house where the experiment was
+    tried they were pronounced to be quite all right on the second
+    floor, but rather tough in the basement.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The businesses of Southgate men called to the colours are
+    being conducted by a committee. Small sons of those absent
+    fathers are going very warily until they have ascertained
+    exactly how far the powers of the committee extend.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Writing on the German retreat Major MORAHT says: "Only a
+    personality like that of Marshal von Hindenburg could give
+    proofs of so great an initiative." Possibly he has never heard
+    of the Dukes of York and Plaza Toro.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A boy of eleven charged with the theft of clothes is said to
+    have stolen the notebook of the policeman who arrested him. His
+    first idea was to pinch his captor's whistle, but he rejected
+    this plan on finding that the policeman was attached to it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Russian soldiers under the new <i>r&eacute;gime</i> will be
+    allowed to smoke in the streets, travel inside trains, visit
+    clubs and attend political meetings. There is a very strong
+    rumour that they will also be allowed to go on fighting.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A ten-months-old boy at Prescot, Lancashire, has been called
+    up for military service. It is, however, authoritatively stated
+    that this is merely a precautionary measure on the part of the
+    War Office, and will not necessarily apply to other men in the
+    same class.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Bromley gentleman is advertising for a chauffeur "to drive
+    Ford car out of cab-yard." Kindness is a great thing in cases
+    of this sort, and we suggest trying to entice it out with a
+    piece of cheese.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"You have lost the privilege of serving on the last grand
+    jury during the War," said the judge at the London Sessions
+    last week to a shipowner who arrived at the court late. We
+    understand that the poor fellow broke down and sobbed
+    bitterly.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Nearly every Russian newspaper contains congratulatory
+    references to Free Russia, and poets are busy composing verses
+    on the same theme. It is this latter item which is said to be
+    keeping the Germans from having a similar revolution.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We understand that the new "No Smoking near Magazines"
+    enactment is profoundly resented in editorial circles.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>To fill the gap which will be left in the ranks of
+    Parliamentary humorists by the retirement of Mr. JOSEPH KING,
+    M.P., who has decided not to seek re-election, the Variety
+    Artistes Federation have nominated a candidate for the Brixton
+    Division.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"On whatever day you sow your wheat," says Miss MARIE
+    CORELLI, "you cannot stop its growing on Sundays." Mr. HALL
+    CAINE has not yet spoken on this point, and his silence is
+    regarded as significant.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Incidentally we are not so sure that you cannot stop wheat
+    growing on Sundays. There is good precedent for plucking its
+    ears on the Sabbath, and that ought to stop it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The KAISER, it appears, is much annoyed at the CROWN PRINCE
+    and the way he has mis-managed so many brilliant opportunities.
+    It is even suggested in some quarters that the KAISER has
+    threatened, if LITTLE WILLIE does not improve, to abdicate in
+    his favour.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A respectably dressed man was recently arrested for behaving
+    in a strange manner in Downing Street. Others have done the
+    same thing before now, but have escaped the notice of the
+    police by doing it indoors.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>With reference to the taxi-cab which stopped in the Strand
+    the other day when hailed by a pedestrian, a satisfactory
+    explanation is to hand. It had broken down.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190"
+       id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/190.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/190.png"
+             alt="A FINE VOICE, YON LASSIE." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Overheard by a distinguished singer, who has just
+        concluded the first of two Scotch ballads.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Jock (to his neighbour).</i> "A FINE VOICE, YON
+        LASSIE. I'VE HEARD WORSE AN' PAID FOR IT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO PARIS BY THE "HINDENBURG LINE."</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">A TEUTON TRIBUTE TO THE ORGANISER OF
+    VICTORY.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That man at dawn should certainly be shot</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For being such a liar,</p>
+
+            <p>Who says that you, my HINDENBURG, are not</p>
+
+            <p>As high as our All-Highest, mate of GOTT</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Or even slightly higher).</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Stout thruster, in the push you have no peer,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yet more supremely brilliant</p>
+
+            <p>This crowning stroke of progress toward the
+            rear,</p>
+
+            <p>This strong recoil from which with heartened
+            cheer</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We hope to bound resilient.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lo! the creative spirit's vital spark!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">None but a genius, <i>we</i> say,</p>
+
+            <p>Would make his onset backward in the dark</p>
+
+            <p>Or choose this route for getting at the Arc</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">De Triomphe (Champs Elys&eacute;es).</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Nor to your care for detail are we blind;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your handiwork we view in</p>
+
+            <p>The reeking waste our warriors leave behind;</p>
+
+            <p>We read the motions of a master-mind</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In that red trail of ruin.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And not alone by yonder blackened beams,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By garth and homestead burning,</p>
+
+            <p>You put the sanguine enemy off your schemes,</p>
+
+            <p>Who gaily follows up and never dreams</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That we'll be soon returning;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But by these speaking signs of godly hate,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">This ruthless ravage
+            (<i>prosit!</i>),</p>
+
+            <p>You teach a barbarous world how truly great</p>
+
+            <p>Our German Gospel, and how grim the fate</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of people who oppose it!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then praised be Heaven because we cannot fail</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With HINDENBURG to boss us;</p>
+
+            <p>And for each hearth stript naked to the gale</p>
+
+            <p>Let grateful homage plug another nail</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In your superb colossus.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RATIONS.</h2>
+
+    <p>As I said to John, I can bear anger and sarcasm&mdash;but
+    contempt, not. Binny and Joe are our cats, and the most
+    pampered of pets. Every day, when our meals were served, there
+    was spread upon the carpet a newspaper, on which Binny and Joe
+    would trample, clamouring, until a plate containing their
+    substantial portion was laid down: after which we were free to
+    proceed with our own meal.</p>
+
+    <p>Then came the paralysing shock of Lord DEVONPORT'S ration
+    announcement, in which no mention is made of cats. Binny and
+    Joe looked at one another in consternation over their porridge
+    as I read aloud his statement from the newspaper at
+    breakfast.</p>
+
+    <p>When I came in to luncheon I had a letter in my hand and
+    accidentally dropped the envelope. Paper of any kind upon the
+    carpet is associated in Binny's mind with the advent of food.
+    Straightway he thudded from his arm-chair and sat down upon the
+    envelope. You will notice that I speak above of Binny and Joe.
+    I do so instinctively, because, though Binny is only half Joe's
+    age of one year, somehow he always occurs everywhere before
+    Joe. Joe was lying on the same arm-chair, and the same idea
+    struck him too; but Binny got there first and continued sitting
+    on the envelope, until, for very shame, I asked Ann, the maid,
+    to spread a newspaper and try them with potato and gravy. They
+    looked at it and then at me, and then, without tasting, walked
+    off and began their usual after-luncheon ablutions of mouth,
+    face and paws. But, as I have said, I can endure sarcasm.</p>
+
+    <p>The next day, just before luncheon, a mass of sparrow
+    feathers was found on the hall-mat. The second day there were
+    feathers of a blackbird. And the third day, when I came down to
+    breakfast, I found a few thrush feathers carelessly left under
+    the breakfast-room table. I began to search my mind, anxiously
+    wondering whether any of my near neighbours kept chickens.</p>
+
+    <p>But the matter was settled that night. When the dinner-gong
+    sounded, Binny and Joe rose from their arm-chair, looked at the
+    vegetarian dishes now adorning a board which had been wont to
+    send up savoury meaty steams (fish in these parts has become a
+    rarity almost unprocurable, and we had exhausted our allowance
+    of meat at luncheon, which we had taken at a restaurant), and
+    then, with noses in the air and tails erect, stalked haughtily
+    to the drawing-room, and there remained until dinner was
+    finished.</p>
+
+    <p>So now the butcher leaves two pennorth of lights at my door
+    regularly. He assures me that Lord DEVONPORT won't mind as it
+    is not strictly human food.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page191"
+       id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/191.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/191.png"
+             alt="THE INVADERS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE INVADERS.</h3>
+
+        <p class="center">"I SUPPOSE OLD HINDENBURG KNOWS WHAT HE'S
+        ABOUT?"</p>
+
+        <p class="center">"ANYHOW, EVERY STEP TAKES US NEARER THE
+        FATHERLAND."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page192"
+       id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">LVIII.</p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;Recent events calling for strong
+    comment, I turned to my friend, my brick-red friend who is able
+    to retain his well-fed prosperous look notwithstanding the
+    rigours of trench life, Rrobert James McGrregor. I took a map
+    with me and, calling his attention to the general position,
+    asked him what about it? McGregor, as you may guess, is a Scot,
+    whose national sense of economy seems to have spread to his
+    uniform, in that the cap he wears covers but a third-part of
+    his head, and his tunic (which I ought really not to call a
+    tunic but a service jacket) appears to have exhausted itself
+    and its material at the fourth button. Notwithstanding all
+    this, I attach great weight to his truculent views, and, the
+    better to incite him into something outright, addressed him in
+    My best Scottish, which is, at any rate, as good as his best
+    English. "Rrrrrobert," I said, "what like is the VON HINDENBURG
+    line?" Whereupon McGregor, helping himself to our mess whisky
+    and cursing it as the vilest production of this vile War, spoke
+    out.</p>
+
+    <p>McGregor has no respect whatever for HINDENBURG or anything
+    which is his. He says that HINDENBURG and his crew have all
+    along taken the line which any man could, but no gentleman
+    would. In HINDENBURG he sees the personification of Prussian
+    militarism, and for the Prussians and their militarism he has
+    no use whatsoever. I forget what exactly is the Highland phrase
+    for "no use whatsoever," but its meaning is even worse than its
+    sound, and the sound of it alone is terrible to hear. Whatever
+    befalls in the interval, it is certain that when at last
+    McGregor and HINDENBURG meet they will not get on well
+    together.</p>
+
+    <p>McGregor hates militarism. It is entirely inconsistent with
+    his wild ideas of liberty. As such he is determined to do it
+    down on all occasions and by every means. Not only is he a
+    Scot, he is also a barrister of the most pronounced type. Brief
+    him in your cause, and provided it is not a mean one he will
+    set out to lay flat the whole earth, if need be, in its
+    defence. He will overwhelm opposing counsel with the mere
+    ferocity of his mien; he will overbear the Judge himself with
+    the mere power of his lungs, and he will carry you through to a
+    verdict with the mere momentum of his loyal support. Once he
+    has made a cause his own, no other cause can survive the terror
+    of his bushy eyebrows and his flaring face. He is a caged lion,
+    but he does not grow thin or wasted in captivity. As ever, he
+    grows stout and strong on his own enthusiasms. The cage will
+    not hold much longer. Heaven be praised, it's HINDENBURG and
+    not me he's taken a dislike to.</p>
+
+    <p>He loathes militarism. Having waited nearly thirty years for
+    a fight, it's himself is overjoyed that he has Prussian
+    militarism for the victim of his murderous designs. To this end
+    he has become a soldier, such a bloodthirsty soldier as never
+    was before and never will be again. The thoroughness of it, for
+    an anti-militarist, is almost appalling. The click of his heels
+    and the shine of his buttons frighten me. His salute is such
+    that even the most deserving General must pause and ask himself
+    if it is humanly possible to merit such respect as it
+    indicates. No man, even upon the most legitimate instance, may
+    venture, in the presence of the dangerous McGregor, the
+    slightest criticism of the British Army or of anything remotely
+    appertaining thereto. He will not even permit a sly dig, in a
+    quiet corner, at the Staff.</p>
+
+    <p>Nevertheless McGregor hates, loathes and detests militarism.
+    His convictions are quite clear and convincing. Soldiers are
+    one thing; militarists are another. Rrobert James McGrregor,
+    for the moment at least, is by the grace of God and the
+    generosity of His Majesty a soldier. That creature HINDENBURG
+    is a militarist. Quite so, I agreed; but then what about the
+    line? He helped himself to some more whisky, showing that he
+    could forgive anybody anything except a Prussian his
+    militarism, and said he was coming to that. But first as to
+    HINDENBURG.</p>
+
+    <p>The man represents his type and is, says McGregor, a mere
+    bully. He has become a bully because he could succeed as
+    nothing else. Given peace, it is doubtful if he could get and
+    keep the job of errand-boy in a second-rate butcher's shop.
+    Lacking the intelligence or spirit to succeed normally, he has
+    not the decency to live quietly in the cheaper suburbs of
+    Berlin and let other people do it. Flourish they must,
+    HINDENBURG and his lot, and so the world is at war to keep
+    their end up.</p>
+
+    <p>Now, says McGregor, it is undoubtedly sinful to fight, but
+    he can't help half forgiving those whose desire to have a round
+    is such that they must needs cause the bothers. But do I
+    suppose that HINDENBURG ever wanted to fight, ever meant or
+    ever means to do it? Not he; and that is why the War goes on
+    and on and on. We've got to work through all the other Germans,
+    says he, before we'll get to their militarists, who are all
+    alive and doing nicely, thank you, behind. When we are getting
+    near the throat of the first of them then the War will end.</p>
+
+    <p>McGregor cannot bring himself to detest all the Bosches.
+    After all, he says, they do stick it out, and their very
+    stupidity makes some call on his generosity. But HINDENBURG, he
+    is convinced, never stuck anything out, except snubs from his
+    competitor, WILHELM, in the course of his uprising career; he
+    makes no call on anybody's generosity, taking everything he
+    wants, including (says McGregor) the best cigars. Without ever
+    having studied them closely, McGregor has the most precise
+    ideas of HINDENBURG'S daily life and habits. He is quite sure
+    he smokes all day the most expensive cigars, without paying for
+    them or removing the bands. He rose, says McGregor, by artifice
+    combined with ostentation. While his good soldiers were
+    studying their musketry, he was practising ferocious
+    expressions before his glass. If he ever did get mixed up in a
+    real battle (which McGregor doubts) he was undoubtedly last in
+    and first out. However it may appear in print, his military
+    career would not bear close scrutiny; for that reason McGregor
+    does not propose to scrutinise it. And as for his indomitable
+    will, he sees nothing to admire in the man's persistence,
+    since, when he stops persisting, he'll become ungummed and, at
+    the best, forgotten.</p>
+
+    <p>So said McGregor, and when I besought him to come to the
+    point, he said he'd dealt with it, and if I had any sympathy
+    left for HINDENBURG or his line I was no better than a
+    slave-driving, sit-at-home-and-push-others-over-the-parapet
+    Prussian militarist myself. As for the map, it didn't matter in
+    the least where HINDENBURG took his old line to, since wherever
+    in Europe it endeavoured to conceal itself his own little line
+    would scent it out and follow it. And if the HINDENBURG line
+    was more than two hundred miles long and the Rrobert James
+    McGrregor line less than two hundred yards, still it didn't
+    matter; for when a Scot takes a dislike to somebody, that
+    somebody's number is up.</p>
+
+    <p>McGregor didn't say that last, but he looked it.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours ever,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">HENRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/192.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/192.png"
+             alt="AWEEL, IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>McTavish (purchasing paper of posterless
+        newsboy).</i> "AWEEL, IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE,' BUT AH'LL
+        RISK IT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>"Frightfulness" in England.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Boys wanted for Kicking. &mdash;&mdash;&mdash; Stamping
+        Works."&mdash;<i>Midland Evening News.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p class="center">"'THE MAGIC FLUTE.'</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        One ingenious commentator has suggested that the opera has
+        some basis in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' Sarastro is
+        Prospero, Pamina Miranda, Tamino Ferdinand, and perhaps
+        Monostatos Caliban."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Herald.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The fact that these Shakespeare characters all occur in "The
+    Tempest" enhances the ingenuity of the suggestion.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The biggest fire in living memory occurred in Chapelhall
+        on Monday morning, when the Roman Catholic School was
+        partly destroyed along with the recreation rooms, damage
+        amounting to &pound;2,000."&mdash;<i>Scotch Local
+        Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The parish pump was probably out of order when this
+    unparalleled conflagration occurred; but is seems to be at work
+    again now.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page193"
+       id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/193.png"
+             alt="MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME OF OLD TOP-HATS." />
+        </a> "MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME
+        OF OLD TOP-HATS."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO MY GODSON.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Aged six weeks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Small bundle, enveloped in laces,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For whom I stood sponsor last week,</p>
+
+            <p>When you slept, with the pinkest of faces,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And never emitted a squeak;</p>
+
+            <p>Though vain is the task of illuming</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Future's inscrutable scroll,</p>
+
+            <p>I cannot refrain from assuming</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A semi-prophetical <i>r&ocirc;le</i>,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I predict that in paths Montessorian</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your infantile steps will be led,</p>
+
+            <p>And with modes which are Phrygian and Dorian</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your musical appetite fed;</p>
+
+            <p>You'll be taught how to dance by a Russian,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Eurhythmics" you'll learn from a
+            Swiss,</p>
+
+            <p>How not to behave like a Prussian&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No teaching is needed for this!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Will you learn Esperanto at Eton?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or, if Eton by then is suppressed,</p>
+
+            <p>Be sent to grow apples or wheat on</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A ranche in the ultimate West?</p>
+
+            <p>Will you aim at a modern diploma</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In civics or commerce or stinks?</p>
+
+            <p>Inhale the Wisconsin aroma</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or think as the Humanist thinks?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Will you learn to play tennis from COVEY</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or model your stroke on JAY GOULD?</p>
+
+            <p>Will you play the piano like TOVEY</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or by gramophone records be schooled?</p>
+
+            <p>Will you golf, or will golfing be banished</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To answer the needs of the plough,</p>
+
+            <p>And links from the landscape have vanished</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To pasture the sheep and the cow?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your taste in the region of letters</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I only can dimly foresee,</p>
+
+            <p>But guess that from metrical fetters</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The verse you'll affect must be free;</p>
+
+            <p>And I shan't be surprised or astounded</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If your generation rebels</p>
+
+            <p>Against adulation unbounded</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of MASEFIELD and BENNETT and WELLS.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Upholding ancestral tradition</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your uncle has booked you at Lord's,</p>
+
+            <p>But I doubt if you'll sate your ambition</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Athletic on well-levelled swards;</p>
+
+            <p>No, I rather opine that you'll follow</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The lead that we owe to the WRIGHTS,</p>
+
+            <p>And soar like the eagle or swallow</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On far and adventurous flights.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But no matter&mdash;in joy and affliction,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In seasons of failure or fame,</p>
+
+            <p>I cherish the certain conviction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You'll never dishonour your name;</p>
+
+            <p>For the love of the mother that bore you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The life and the death of your sire</p>
+
+            <p>Will shine as a lantern before you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To guide and exalt and inspire.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Life's Little Ironies.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Ever-ready Safety Razor, strop, outfit, 12 blades, new;
+        exchange something useful."&mdash;<i>The Model Engineer and
+        Electrician.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The marriage of Captain &mdash;&mdash;, Grenadier Guards,
+        to Miss &mdash;&mdash; was a very quiet affair, and not
+        more than a score of people attended the ceremony at St.
+        Andrew's, Wells-street, during the
+        week.&mdash;<i>Observer.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Quiet, perhaps, but unusually protracted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>How it Happened.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a publisher's advt.:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"NEW NOVELS</p>
+
+            <p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">THE HISTORY OF AN ATTRACTION</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">HE LOOKED IN MY WINDOW."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Collectors of coincidences will not fail to notice that what
+    the papers call "The Great Allied Sweep" in France was
+    contemporaneous with the arrival of General SMUTS in
+    England.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">THE HUNGER-STRIKE.</p>
+
+    <p>"Did you hear that?" cried the white hen.</p>
+
+    <p>"What?" asked all the other hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"He called us&mdash;cluck-cluck-cluck," said the white
+    hen.</p>
+
+    <p>"Why shouldn't he?" asked all the other hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"I didn't mean he called us 'cluck-cluck-cluck,'" said the
+    white hen hastily. "I was only choking with rage when I said
+    that. He called us&mdash;cluck-cluck-cluck&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"She's going to lay an egg," said the black hen with
+    interest.</p>
+
+    <p>"Poultry!" screamed the white hen suddenly.</p>
+
+    <p>"Poultry?" gasped the other hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"Poultry!&mdash;he called us 'poultry'&mdash;oh,
+    cluck-cluck-cluck&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Something must be done," said the yellow hen.</p>
+
+    <p>"Something must be done," repeated all the hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"We must have a hunger-strike till he apologises," said the
+    thin hen importantly.</p>
+
+    <p>"But we shall be hungry," cried all the hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"That is the essence of a hunger-strike," said the thin
+    hen.</p>
+
+    <p>Just then the keeper arrived with food for the fowls.</p>
+
+    <p>"We mustn't run to him," they said to one another. "It's a
+    hunger-strike, you know."</p>
+
+    <p>Suddenly the fat hen began running to him.</p>
+
+    <p>"Come back; it's a hunger-strike, you know!" cried the
+    hens.</p>
+
+    <p>"I have an idea," shouted the fat hen as she ran; "the more
+    we eat the longer we shall hold out."</p>
+
+    <p>"So we shall," cried all the hens as they scurried after the
+    fat one.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page194"
+       id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/194.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/194.png"
+             alt="WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" /></a> <i>Officer (to
+             applicant for War-work).</i> "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
+             &nbsp;
+             &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+             <i>Ex-flapper.</i> "CISSIE"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE FAVORITE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Some people would die rather than talk aloud in a 'bus;
+    others would rather die than hold their peace there. This
+    second kind is more fun, and four of it made part of my journey
+    the other day from Victoria to Oxford Street (I forget the
+    number of the 'bus, but it goes up Bond Street) much less
+    tedious. They were all young women in the latest teens or the
+    earliest twenties, and all were what is called well-to-do, and
+    they were fluent talkers.</p>
+
+    <p>Years ago, when poor LEWIS WALLER was at the height of his
+    fame, we used to hear of a real or fictitious "Waller Club,"
+    the members of which were young women who spent as much time as
+    they could in visiting his theatre and rejoicing in the sight
+    of his brave gestures and the sound of his vibrant voice. It
+    was even said that they had a badge by which they could know
+    each other; although on the face of it, judging by what sparse
+    scraps of information concerning the nature of woman I have
+    been able painfully to collect, I should say that segregation
+    would be, in such a case as this, more to their taste.</p>
+
+    <p>Be that true or only invented, it is very clear that in
+    spite of the War and its shattering way with so many ancient
+    shibboleths the cult of the actor is still strong; for this is
+    the kind of thing that lasted all the way from Hyde Park Corner
+    to Vere Street:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"Did you see him the other day in that ballet? Of course I
+    knew he could dance, because he can do everything, but I never
+    thought he was going to be so gloriously graceful as he
+    was."</p>
+
+    <p>"But surely you ought to have known. Don't you remember him
+    as the Prince at the LORD MAYOR'S Ball?"</p>
+
+    <p>"And what a wonderful figure he has!"</p>
+
+    <p>"I couldn't help wishing that he had only stained his legs
+    instead of putting on red tights."</p>
+
+    <p>"My dear!!!"</p>
+
+    <p>"It's his grace that's the wonderful thing about him, I
+    always think. His ease. He moves so&mdash;how shall I put
+    it?&mdash;so, well, so easily and gracefully."</p>
+
+    <p>"Don't you love him when he stands with his hands in his
+    pockets?"</p>
+
+    <p>"My dear, yes. But what a wonderful tailor he goes to. I
+    always used to tell my brother to try and find out where his
+    things were made and go to the same place."</p>
+
+    <p>"But of course it's the way clothes are worn much more than
+    the clothes themselves. I mean, some men can never look well
+    dressed, whereas others can look well in anything."</p>
+
+    <p>"But he does go to the best tailor, I'm sure."</p>
+
+    <p>"How many times have you seen this new piece?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Six."</p>
+
+    <p>"Only six! I've seen it eleven."</p>
+
+    <p>"I've seen it three times."</p>
+
+    <p>"I've seen it five times; but one of those doesn't count,
+    because when we got there we found he was ill with chicken-pox.
+    Wasn't that rotten luck?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I heard he had been ill, but I didn't know what it was. Was
+    it really chicken-pox?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, poor darling."</p>
+
+    <p>"Fancy him having a thing like that! I suppose it's part of
+    the price of keeping so young."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, yes, isn't he young!"</p>
+
+    <p>"They say this thing's going to run for years."</p>
+
+    <p>"I hope not. I want to see him in something new. It's so
+    wonderful how he's always the same and yet always
+    different."</p>
+
+    <p>"I want him to be in every play. I never go to one without
+    thinking how much better he would be than the other leading
+    man."</p>
+
+    <p>"I saw that little what's-his-name imitate him the other
+    evening. Really it's rather a shame."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, I've seen it. I couldn't help laughing, but I hated
+    myself for it. I'm sure, too, he doesn't waggle his head like
+    that."</p>
+
+    <p>"No! I couldn't see the point of that at all; but the people
+    shrieked."</p>
+
+    <p>"Pooh, they'd laugh at anything."</p>
+
+    <p>"What did you like him best of all in?"</p>
+
+    <p>"That's difficult. Of course he was priceless as the
+    policeman. But then he was priceless as the American too, in
+    that thing before this."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, I think&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>And so on. Except that I never mention his name, and I have
+    suppressed the titles of the plays, this is practically an
+    exact reproduction of the conversation. Naturally many of the
+    sentences overlapped, for ladies no less than gentlemen often
+    talk at the same time; but otherwise I have reported
+    faithfully.</p>
+
+    <p>And who was the subject of these eulogies? You will guess at
+    once when I say that he is probably the only actor in history
+    who is referred to more often by his Christian name only than
+    by his surname or full name. These young women who adored
+    WALLER spoke of him not as LEWIS, but as LEWIS WALLER; and that
+    is the usual custom. The divine SARAH is perhaps the only other
+    histrion, and she is a woman, who may be spoken of simply as
+    SARAH, with no risk of ambiguity. Ordinarily, as I say, we use
+    either the surname only or the surname and Christian name
+    combined, as ELLEN TERRY, VIOLET LORAINE, GEORGE GRAVES, GEORGE
+    ROBEY, LESLIE HENSON, NELSON KEYS. But these four devotees
+    referred to their hero always as GERALD; just GERALD.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page195"
+       id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/195.png"
+             alt="Mr. Punch's Navy Pages" /></a>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page196"
+       id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/196a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/196a.png"
+             alt="ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT AND I SHALL DO AS I LIKE." />
+             </a> <i>Gallant Major (temporarily in the care of
+             H.M.'s Navy).</i> "ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT
+             AND&mdash;I SHALL DO AS I LIKE."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/196b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/196b.png"
+             alt="KAMERAD! KAMERAD!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Survivor from U-Boat.</i> "KAMERAD! KAMERAD! IF I VOS
+        ON LAND I VOS HOLD UP MEIN HANDS!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Ordinary Seaman.</i> "WELL, YOUR FEET 'LL DO
+        INSTEAD."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page197"
+       id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/197a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/197a.png"
+             alt="GIVE US YER KNIFE." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>A.B.</i> "GIVE US YER
+        KNIFE."&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+        &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Boy.</i> "AIN'T GOT IT."</p>
+
+        <p><i>A.B. (with bitter scorn of non-essentials).</i> "GOT
+        YER WRIST-WATCH ALL RIGHT, I S'POSE?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/197b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/197b.png"
+             alt="I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER, DID I?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Apollo.</i> "I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER&mdash;DID
+        I?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Neptune.</i> "NO. BUT YOU WAS TRYIN' ON ONE OF YER
+        FASCINATIN' LOOKS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page198"
+       id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/198a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/198a.png"
+             alt="ECHOES FROM JUTLAND." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ECHOES FROM JUTLAND.</h3><i>Wine Steward (acting as one
+        of Ammunition Supply Party).</i> "WILL YOU TAKE LYDDITE OR
+        SHRAPNEL, SIR?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/198b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/198b.png"
+             alt="SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT.</h3><i>Commander (as the black he
+        has tried to pot threatens to touch the port cushion).</i>
+        "LIST HER TO STARBOARD!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page199"
+       id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/199.png"
+             alt="THE DAMN&Eacute;D SPOT." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE "DAMN&Eacute;D SPOT."</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page200"
+       id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/200a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/200a.png"
+             alt="YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE." /></a>
+
+        <p>"YOU OUGHT REALLY TO MANAGE TO GET BLOWN TO BITS
+        SOMEHOW, NOBBY. YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/200b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/200b.png"
+             alt="HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG." /></a>
+
+        <p>"HEY, DONAL'! HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG."</p>
+
+        <p>"OCH! A WISH IT MICHT BE A U-BOAT."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page201"
+       id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/201a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/201a.png"
+             alt="I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM THE SEA." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Old Lady.</i> "PARDON ME! I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME
+        FROM THE SEA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I'VE HAD TO PAY A PENNY
+        MORE FOR SCALLOPS TO-DAY?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/201b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/201b.png"
+             alt="WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Landlord.</i> "WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR?
+        WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT SOME COALS ON?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Stoker.</i> "NOT LIKELY! I'M ON LEAVE, I AM."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page202"
+       id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/202a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/202a.png"
+             alt="OFF TO ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Friend.</i> "SEE YOU'RE IN A HURRY. WON'T KEEP YOU.
+        OFF TO ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Sub-Lieutenant H.M.S. "Unbendable."</i> "NOT EXACTLY.
+        FACT IS I'M DUE AT MME. GIROUETTE'S ACADEMY. STRUCK AGAINST
+        A COUPLE OF NEW STEPS IN THE FOX TROT AT THE PILKINGTONS'
+        LAST NIGHT&mdash;RATHER WORRIED ME. BYE-BYE. MUST SHOVE
+        OFF!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/202b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/202b.png"
+             alt="I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW." /></a> <i>Apologetic
+             Golfer.</i> "I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW." &nbsp;&nbsp;
+             &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+             <i>Sailor.</i> "WELL, YOU'VE HIT ME AFT!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page203"
+       id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/203a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/203a.png"
+             alt="BEEN OUT IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?" /></a>
+             <i>Tar (by way of opening the conversation).</i>
+             "AHEM! BEEN OUT IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/203b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/203b.png"
+             alt="WELL, IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL HAVE TO BE THE NAVY." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Jones (who in going through his wardrobe has
+        unearthed a memento of happier days at Margate).</i> "WELL,
+        IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL
+        HAVE TO BE THE NAVY."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page204"
+       id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/204a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/204a.png"
+             alt="FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT SOME EXPRESSION INTO IT!" />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>The Artist (impatiently).</i> "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT
+        SOME EXPRESSION INTO IT! JUST IMAGINE YOU'VE COME THROUGH A
+        TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE&mdash;SHIP TORPEDOED&mdash;YOU SOLE
+        SURVIVOR. AFTER CLINGING TO A BELAYING-PIN NINETEEN HOURS
+        IN THE OPEN SEA YOU ARE RESCUED AT THE LAST GASP. YOU ARE
+        NOW RELATING YOUR ADVENTURES TO YOUR AGED PARENTS."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Model (obligingly).</i> "THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
+        SIR&mdash;I CAN MANAGE IT. BUT EXCUSE ME. DID YOU SAY
+        EIGHTEEN HOURS, OR WAS IT NINETEEN?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/204b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/204b.png"
+             alt="MADAM, I WAS EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS." />
+        </a> <i>King Alfred (founder of the Navy).</i> "MADAM, I
+        WAS EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205"
+       id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>
+
+    <h2>"LET HER GO!"</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">A TRAMP CHANTEY.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go);</p>
+
+            <p>They built 'er cheap an' they scamped 'er sore,</p>
+
+            <p>'Er rivets was putty, 'er plates was poor,</p>
+
+            <p>And then come in the PLIMSOLL line</p>
+
+            <p>Or I wouldn't be singin' this song o' mine.</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>She was cranky an' foul, she was stubborn an'
+            slow</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go),</p>
+
+            <p>An' she shipped it green when it come on to
+            blow;</p>
+
+            <p>'Er crews was starved an' their wage was low,</p>
+
+            <p>An 'er bloomin' owners was ready to faint</p>
+
+            <p>At a scrape o' pitch or a penn'orth o' paint.</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But she's been 'ere an' she's been there</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go),</p>
+
+            <p>An' she's been almost everywhere;</p>
+
+            <p>An' wherever you went you'd sure see <i>'er</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>With 'er rust-red hawse an' 'er battered old
+            funnel,</p>
+
+            <p>All muck an' dirt from 'er keel to 'er gun'le.</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>She's earned 'er keep in a number o' climes</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go);</p>
+
+            <p>She's changed 'er name a number o' times,</p>
+
+            <p>Which won't fit right into these 'ere rhymes,</p>
+
+            <p>But the name of 'er now is the <i>Sound o'
+            Mull</i>,</p>
+
+            <p>Built on the Tyne an' sails out of 'Ull.</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go),</p>
+
+            <p>An' a breaker's price was 'er price before</p>
+
+            <p>The ships was scarce an' the freights did soar;</p>
+
+            <p>But she's fetched 'er fourteen pound a ton</p>
+
+            <p>On the Baltic Exchange since the War begun.</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>So she's doin' 'er bit, which we all must do</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go),</p>
+
+            <p>An' whether she's old or whether she's new</p>
+
+            <p>Don't make much odds to a war-time crew,</p>
+
+            <p>But 'ooever's sunk or 'ooever's drowned,</p>
+
+            <p>The <i>Sound o' Mull</i> keeps pluggin' around.</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>An' when she goes, by night or by day</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">(Let 'er go&mdash;let 'er go),</p>
+
+            <p>Either up or down, as she likely may,</p>
+
+            <p>I only 'ope as someone'll say:</p>
+
+            <p>"'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four;</p>
+
+            <p>She done 'er best an' she couldn't do more;</p>
+
+            <p>She warn't no swell an' she warn't no beauty,</p>
+
+            <p>But she come by 'er end in the way of 'er duty."</p>
+
+            <p class="i12">(Let 'er go!)</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">C. F. S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/205.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/205.png"
+             alt="THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR ENDS?" />
+        </a>
+
+        <p>"THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR
+        ENDS, JACK?"</p>
+
+        <p>"NO FEAR! IT SAYS 'ERE THAT 'INDENBURG'S TAKEN ALL THE
+        ABLE-BODIED AN' PUT 'EM ON TO WORK OF NATIONAL
+        IMPORTANCE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE POULTICE.</h2>
+
+    <p>Call this cold? You orter been with me in '63, when I was
+    whalin' in the North Atlantic. I was steward on the <i>Ella
+    Wheeler</i>, 6,000 tons, out from New Caledonia. Our skipper
+    was a reg'lar old bluenose, and some Tartar, I <i>don't</i>
+    think! Why, 'e'd lay yer out sooner than look at yer; an' once
+    'e put the cook in irons for two days 'cos the poor devil 'ad
+    tumbled up against the side of the galley an' burnt the 'air
+    off the side of 'is 'ead, and the old man said it was untidy;
+    and we all 'ad to 'ave cold grub for two days&mdash;and in them
+    latitudes! Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!</p>
+
+    <p>But the worst of it was that we 'ad no doctor on board, and
+    when anybody took sick the old man insisted on doctorin' 'im
+    'isself; and 'e 'ad only one way of treatin' every disease in
+    the 'orspitals. "Put 'im into 'is bunk," he says, "and wait
+    till I bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for's chest."
+    Tooth-ache or chilblains, a pain in yer stummick or
+    ring-worm&mdash;'e always says the same thing, "Put 'im in his
+    bunk," he says, "and I'll bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for
+    's chest." And 'e brought it and put it on with 'is own 'ands
+    too! There was no gettin' out of it if once 'e 'eard you were
+    sick. Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!</p>
+
+    <p>There was Pete Malone&mdash;'ad a great mop of 'air like a
+    lion or a musician&mdash;must needs go washing one day on deck,
+    like a fool. It was all right as long as 'e 'ad the 'ot water
+    and the soapsuds goin'; but 'e give 'is 'ead a rinse, an' stood
+    up, and, swelpme, before 'e could get the towel to work every
+    single 'air 'e 'd got 'ad its own private icicle, an' 'is silly
+    'ead looked like a silver-plated porkypine.</p>
+
+    <p>Well, as I was saying, we were about a 'undred-and-fifty
+    mile from the nearest land, which 'ud be the West coast of
+    Greenland, bearin' about E. by N., when we thought that at last
+    we were going' to get one back on the old man. It was this way.
+    One bitter cold night 'e was makin' 'is way aft to turn in,
+    when 'e slips up where a wave 'ad froze on the deck, an' e'
+    goes wallop down the 'ole length of the companion, from top to
+    bottom, an' busts three of 'is ribs. Of course we all ran an'
+    picked 'im up, an' <i>said</i> we 'oped 'e wasn't much 'urt.
+    But 'e says, "None of yer jabber, ye swines; 'elp me inter my
+    bunk, and two of yer bring me a 'ot linseed poultice for my
+    chest."</p>
+
+    <p>Well, we puts 'im in 'is bunk, and I catches the eye of the
+    first mate, and we goes out together. "Mick," says I, "'e's
+    askin' for a 'ot poultice. Lord send there's a good fire in the
+    galley!" "If there ain't," says Micky to me, "we'll damn'd soon
+    make one." So we makes a fire such as none of the ship's
+    company 'ad ever seen; and we gets two buckets of water, one
+    very near full, and the other about a quarter full, and we soon
+    'as 'em both on the boil. Then we makes the poultice in the
+    drop of water; and when 'e was ready, we gets the grid and puts
+    it across the top of the other bucket, and lays the poultice on
+    the grid, and me and the mate picks up the full bucket with two
+    pair o' tongs, 'olding a torch under 'er to keep 'er at the
+    boil.</p>
+
+    <p>When the old man saw us 'is face twisted a bit! But talk
+    about cold! We slapped the poultice on to 'im, and, if you'll
+    believe me, inside o' ninety seconds the thing 'ad <i>froze
+    'ard on 'im</i>, and formed a splint, and&mdash;saved 'is life,
+    blarst 'im!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206"
+       id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/206.png"
+             alt="SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.</h3>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207"
+       id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/207.png"
+             alt="SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM (PART 2)." /></a>
+
+        <h3>SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208"
+       id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/208a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/208a.png"
+             alt="THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY ARE FROM ALL THE WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY CIVILISED." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Lieutenant &mdash;&mdash;, R.N., to Lieutenant
+        &mdash;&mdash;, R.N. (they are paying one of those
+        periodical visits to a lonely island in the South
+        Pacific).</i> "THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY
+        ARE FROM ALL THE WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY
+        CIVILISED."</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Wretched Islander to Second Wretched
+        Islander.</i> "DOES THIS VISIT INTRIGUE YOU?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/208b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/208b.png"
+             alt="BRING US 'OME SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p>"AND THE LAST THING MY MISSUS SAID TO ME WAS, 'BRING US
+        'OME SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS.'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page209"
+       id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/209a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/209a.png"
+             alt="AND YOU LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Fond Teuton Parent (to super-tar home on leave).</i>
+        "AND YOU LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Fritz.</i> "I LOVE HER! SHE'S A WONDER! SUCH SPEED!
+        WHENEVER WE RACE BACK TO PORT SHE'S BEEN FIRST EVERY
+        TIME."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/209b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/209b.png"
+             alt="WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT MORE MEN FOR THE NAVY." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p><i>Karl.</i> "WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT
+        MORE MEN FOR THE NAVY. WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHERE
+        ARE THEY TO COME FROM?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Gretchen.</i> "BE CALM, KARL. DOUBTLESS OUR GLORIOUS
+        PROFESSORS OF CHEMISTRY WILL INVENT A SUBSTITUTE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210"
+       id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/210.png"
+             alt="THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211"
+       id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/211.png"
+             alt="THE BREATH OF LIBERTY." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE BREATH OF LIBERTY.</h3>
+
+        <p>THE GERMAN AUTOCRAT. "THEY MAY FIND THIS WIND VERY
+        BRACING IN RUSSIA BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL EXTREMELY
+        UNCOMFORTABLE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page212"
+       id="page212"></a>[pg 212]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, March 19th.</i>&mdash;Captain BATHURST announced
+    that the FOOD CONTROLLER would issue an order fixing the retail
+    price of swedes at a figure involving a reduction of "something
+    like 200 per cent." The FOOD CONTROLLER, as his faithful
+    henchman subsequently remarked, "is always doing his best," but
+    if he can really reduce the price of a commodity to 100 per
+    cent. less than nothing I hope he will not confine his activity
+    to a solitary vegetable.</p>
+
+    <p>I am afraid that envy was the predominant feeling aroused by
+    Mr. SNOWDEN'S story of the family in New Cavendish Street which
+    secured in a single order from a single firm no less than
+    sixty-three pounds of sugar. Lest any Hon. Members should be
+    tempted to try and do likewise Captain BATHURST promptly
+    announced that another order prohibiting hoarding would shortly
+    be issued. The House cheered, for, as a journalist Member
+    remarked with gloomy satisfaction, "It is only fair that 'no
+    posters' should be followed by 'no hoarding.'"</p>
+
+    <p>The PRIME MINISTER paid one of his angelic visits to the
+    House to give the latest information of the revolution in
+    Russia. His description of it as "one of the landmarks in the
+    history of the world" evoked loud cheers, but even louder were
+    those which came from the Nationalist benches when he remarked
+    that "free peoples are the best defenders of their own
+    honour."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, March 20th.</i>&mdash;A long cross-examination
+    of the representative of the Air Board produced one valuable
+    statement which Members generally might bear in mind. Mr.
+    BILLING asked if it was not "in the public interest or in the
+    interests of this House" that certain contracts should be
+    discussed. Fixing him with his eye-glass, Major BAIRD replied,
+    "No, the interests of the House and of the public, I take it,
+    are the same as the interests of the nation."</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/212.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/212.png"
+             alt="DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON CHURCHILL." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p>DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON
+        CHURCHILL.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>If there was any lingering doubt as to the main
+    responsibility for the inception&mdash;as apart from the
+    carrying out&mdash;of the Dardanelles affair Mr. CHURCHILL
+    himself must have removed it. Unlike his former chief he
+    welcomes the publication of the Report, which in his opinion
+    has shared among a number of eminent personages a burden
+    formerly borne by himself alone. But his enthusiasm for the
+    project as it originally formed itself in his fertile brain is
+    undiminished, and he still marvels that for the want of a
+    little further sacrifice we should have abandoned the chance of
+    cutting Turkey out of the War, and uniting in one friendly
+    federation the States of the Balkans.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, March 21st.</i>&mdash;General MAUDE'S
+    manifesto to the people of Baghdad, with its allusions to the
+    tyranny under which they had long been suffering, did not
+    escape the eagle eye of Mr. DEVLIN, ever anxious to scarify
+    British hypocrisy. So he drafted a long question to the PRIME
+    MINISTER, embodying the most salient passages of the manifesto.
+    Much to his disgust it appeared on the Paper without its "most
+    beautiful and striking passages." The SPEAKER explained that he
+    had blue-pencilled "a good deal of Oriental and flowery
+    language not suitable to our Western climate." Not the least
+    part of the joke is the rumour that the manifesto was largely
+    the work of a Member of the House well versed in Eastern
+    lore.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, March 22nd.</i>&mdash;The Ministry of National
+    Service, being unprovided at present with a Parliamentary
+    Secretary, is supposed to be represented in the House by Mr.
+    ARTHUR HENDERSON. But as the Member for Barnard Castle has
+    important functions to perform in the War Cabinet and is rarely
+    in the House he usually deputes some other Member of the
+    Government to answer Questions addressed to him. To-day the lot
+    fell upon Mr. BECK, who good-temperedly explained, when a
+    shower of "supplementaries" rained down upon him, that he
+    really knew nothing about the Department he was temporarily
+    representing. This led to a tragedy, for Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL
+    worked himself into a paroxysm of excitement over this
+    constitutional enormity, and finally sat down on his hat. "I
+    only wish his head had been in it," muttered a brother
+    Irishman&mdash;from Ulster.</p>
+
+    <p>Believers in "the hidden hand," which is supposed to
+    paralyse our military efforts, are divided in opinion as to
+    whether this cryptic member is most actively employed by Lord
+    HALDANE, Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON or Sir EYRE CROWE,
+    Assistant-Secretary to the Foreign Office. They will probably
+    regard Lord ROBERT CECIL'S statement that some seven years ago
+    Sir EYRE drew up a memorandum calling the attention of Sir
+    EDWARD GREY to the grave dangers that threatened this country
+    from Germany as further evidence of his duplicity. The rest of
+    the world will rejoice at Lord ROBERT'S spirited vindication of
+    "one of the ablest of our public servants," who, despite Miss
+    CHRISTABEL PANKHURST, is not one of "the three black crows" of
+    legendary fame.</p>
+
+    <p>When Sir H. DALZIEL, at the outset of his appeal to the
+    Government to make another attempt to settle the Irish
+    Question, promised that he would not "explore the noxious
+    vapours of the past," I feared the worst. But he was as good as
+    his word, and spared us any gruesome excavations in ancient
+    Irish history. Major HILLS did even better by implying that it
+    was only during the last ten years that the question had warped
+    and diverted our domestic politics. If all Irishmen were as
+    reasonable and moderate as Mr. RONALD McNEILL showed himself
+    this afternoon it would not need settling, for it would never
+    have arisen. He only asked, if sacrifices were necessary, that
+    Ulster should not alone be expected to make them. Sir HAMAR
+    GREENWOOD, as the great-grandson of a Canadian rebel who took
+    twelve sons into the field&mdash;"almost his whole family,"
+    added his descendant&mdash;insisted that the Colonial method of
+    securing Home Rule was the best&mdash;first agree among
+    yourselves, and then go to the Imperial Parliament to sanction
+    your scheme. And perhaps, after the conciliatory spirit
+    displayed in to-day's debate, that is not so impossible oven in
+    Ireland as it seemed a few weeks ago. Hitherto every attempt of
+    the British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of Destiny up the Hill
+    of Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready to roll
+    it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate
+    to instal it there as the throne of a loyal and united
+    Ireland.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>HERBS OF GRACE.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">IV.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">THYME.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All things true,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All things sweet&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Summer-dawn dew</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Love's heart-beat;</p>
+
+            <p>All things holy,</p>
+
+            <p>Hill-flow'rs lowly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A far church-chime&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p><i>These things dwell</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>In the smell</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Of Thyme.</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All things clean,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All things pure&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Joys that have been</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And faiths that endure;</p>
+
+            <p>All things sunny,</p>
+
+            <p>Bee-song and honey,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sheep-walks, rhyme&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p><i>These things dwell</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>In the smell</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Of Thyme.</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>All things set</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With sharp sweet pain&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>April regret</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For vows yet vain;</p>
+
+            <p>All things fragrant,</p>
+
+            <p>Thoughts long vagrant</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From Beauty's clime&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p><i>These things dwell</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>In the smell</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Of Thyme.</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Sir John Simon, K.C., cited as an illustration the
+        friendship between Daniel and Jonathan. The Lord Chief
+        Justice: I become very nervous when you support your law by
+        quoting Scripture."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We always feel more nervous when people <i>mis</i>quote
+    Scripture for their purpose.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Lord Mayor of London, Sir William Dunn, accompanied by
+        other members of the City Council in their robes, and the
+        Lady Mayoress, were amongst the very large conflagration at
+        St. Patrick's, Soho. An eloquent sermon was
+        preached."&mdash;<i>Irish Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Burning words," indeed.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a description of the difficulties of the members of the
+    Press Gallery in reporting Mr. BONAR LAW:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Since he has become leader of the House they have aged and
+        grown haggard and dejected. The sound of his voice fills
+        them with bread."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Post.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Well, in these days that ought to afford them ample
+    consolation.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Sir Richard L. Borden's name, now a household word, became
+        familiar only six years ago."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But even now he is not so well known as Sir ROBERT!</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213"
+       id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span>
+
+    <h2>DE PROFUNDIS.</h2>
+
+    <p>When I went round the trenches a day or two before we were
+    to move in, the great frost was still in possession; but there
+    was a mild feeling in the air.</p>
+
+    <p>"I can thoroughly recommend these trenches to you, Sir,"
+    said the occupier in a businesslike manner. "Commodious and
+    well built, fitted throughout with the latest pattern
+    duck-boards and reached by three charmingly sequestered
+    communication trenches, named Hic, Haec and Hoc. The dug-outs
+    are well equipped and well sunk. The whole would form an ideal
+    retreat for gentlemen of quiet tastes."</p>
+
+    <p>"Good. And the people over the way?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Unobtrusive and retiring to a degree."</p>
+
+    <p>"In fact," I said, "a most select neighbourhood&mdash;unless
+    it thaws."</p>
+
+    <p>He dropped pleasantries and answered very seriously. "If it
+    thaws, Heaven help you. There's enough water frozen up in these
+    walls to drown the lot of you."</p>
+
+    <p>It did thaw.</p>
+
+    <p>When we relieved, we waded up to the line through miles of
+    trenches all knee-deep in water, to the accompaniment of
+    ominous splashes as the sides began to fall in. When daylight
+    came we found our select estate converted into a system of
+    canals filled with a substance varying in consistency from
+    coffee to glue. Hic, Haec and Hoc, owing to the wear and tear
+    of constant traffic, became especially gluey, and after a time
+    we rechristened them respectively the Great Ooze, the Little
+    Ooze and the River Styx&mdash;the last not solely in reference
+    to its adhesive qualities, but also because such a number of
+    things went West in it. Some time after the original
+    duck-boards had sunk out of our depth we could still move along
+    Styx on a solid bottom composed of lost gum-boots, abandoned
+    rations and the like. At last, when Frankie, struggling up to
+    the line with the rum ration, was forced to dump his precious
+    burden in order to save his life, we pronounced Styx impassable
+    and thenceforth proceeded along the top after dusk.</p>
+
+    <p>The Great Ooze still remained just possible for those whose
+    business took them back and forward during the day, but even
+    here were spots in which it was worse than unwise to linger. As
+    I squelched painfully through one of these on our last day in
+    the line, I found one Private Harrison firmly embedded to the
+    top of his thigh-boots. He told me he had been struggling
+    vainly for about an hour.</p>
+
+    <p>"Give me your hands," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>I tugged, but could get no proper purchase. Harrison grew
+    gradually black in the face, but remained immovable. I tried
+    another plan. I turned about, and Harrison clasped his hands
+    round my neck. Then I walked away.... At least that was the
+    idea.</p>
+
+    <p>"Harrison," I said anxiously after a determined struggle,
+    "were you standing on the duckboards?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, Sir. I still am."</p>
+
+    <p>"Heavens, so am I. Let go. I've got to get myself out
+    now."</p>
+
+    <p>By using Harrison as a stepping-stone to higher things I
+    just managed to heave myself out. I surveyed him panting.</p>
+
+    <p>"In about an hour it'll be dusk. I'll bring some men and a
+    rope and haul you out then. If that fails we'll simply have to
+    hand you over as trench stores when we get relieved."</p>
+
+    <p>As soon as Fritz's wire had disappeared into the gathering
+    gloom I took out my little rescue party. We threw the captive a
+    rope and began to pull scientifically under direction of a
+    sergeant skilled in tugs-of-war.</p>
+
+    <p>"Heave, you men," I whispered excitedly. "He's coming."</p>
+
+    <p>He was, but without his boots. Inch by inch we dragged him
+    out of them. The strain was terrific. Suddenly&mdash;much too
+    suddenly&mdash;the tension broke. Harrison shot into the air
+    and fell again with a dull thud in the Ooze beside his boots,
+    while the rescue party collapsed head over heels into an
+    adjacent shell-hole.</p>
+
+    <p>Harrison seemed a little peevish, but consented to try
+    again. The rope tautened, and there was a sharp crack from
+    below.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Old on," cried the prisoner sharply, "me braces is
+    bust."</p>
+
+    <p>"Can't think o' braces now," grunted my burly sergeant.
+    "Heave-ho, lads, up she comes!"</p>
+
+    <p>Harrison was pulled clean out of his nether garments,
+    cursing bitterly as the wind caught his bare legs, and hung
+    suspended between earth and water, amid ribald comments from
+    above.</p>
+
+    <p>One more pull would do it. But at that moment Fritz,
+    apparently feeling that we weren't taking his war seriously
+    enough, opened up with a machine-gun. The rescue party dropped
+    the rope and rolled heavily into the shell-hole, and the sorely
+    tried Harrison found himself back again, but face downwards
+    this time, and held by his arms up to the elbows.</p>
+
+    <p>We could hear horrible language, and after a moment, all
+    being quiet, I crawled to the edge and looked over. His last
+    struggle had split Harrison's tunic and pulled it clean off his
+    back; and now, with his shirt-tail trailing dismally in the
+    Ooze, he was making the best of his own way to the
+    dressing-station, ungratefully consigning his gallant rescuers
+    to complete and lasting perdition as he went.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/213a.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/213a.png"
+             alt="A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER." /></a>
+
+        <p>"A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER."</p>
+
+        <p>"YES, SIR. IT MAKES SOME OF US OLDER ONES FEEL A BIT
+        MUFTI, DON'T IT?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A TOPICAL TRAGEDY.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Jim Startin was not loved at school;</p>
+
+            <p>We thought him rather knave than fool.</p>
+
+            <p>Migrating thence to Oxford, he</p>
+
+            <p>Failed to secure a pass degree.</p>
+
+            <p>Years sped&mdash;some twenty&mdash;ere again</p>
+
+            <p>Jim Startin swam into my ken.</p>
+
+            <p>I met him strolling down the Strand</p>
+
+            <p>Well-dressed, well-nourished, sleek and bland,</p>
+
+            <p>A high-class journalistic swell&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>The Headline Expert of <i>The Yell</i>.</p>
+
+            <p>Great at the art, in peaceful days,</p>
+
+            <p>Of finding means our scalps to raise,</p>
+
+            <p>The War had since revealed in him</p>
+
+            <p>A super-Transatlantic vim,</p>
+
+            <p>And day by day his paper's bills</p>
+
+            <p>Gave us fresh epileptic thrills.</p>
+
+            <p>The sons of Belial, in the rhyme</p>
+
+            <p>Of DRYDEN, had a glorious time,</p>
+
+            <p>But never managed to attain</p>
+
+            <p>To Jim's success in giving pain.</p>
+
+            <p>But while his power was at its height</p>
+
+            <p>It perished in a single night;</p>
+
+            <p>For, with his bills by law abolished,</p>
+
+            <p>Jim's occupation was demolished;</p>
+
+            <p>Headlines that can't be blazed abroad</p>
+
+            <p>On bills and posters are a fraud;</p>
+
+            <p>They cease to titillate the mob</p>
+
+            <p>Or draw the pennies from its fob,</p>
+
+            <p>So Jim was "fired" and lost his job.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/213b.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/213b.png"
+             alt="SO SWEET OF YOU TO COME." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Lady (to coalheavers).</i> "<i>SO</i> SWEET OF YOU TO
+        COME. I DO HOPE YOU'LL COME AGAIN."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "More to the west the British marked fresh progress south
+        of Achiet-le-Petit, where their lines were advanced on a
+        front of 2 kilometres (1&frac14; miles). Finally the
+        Germans fell back for the length of 2 kilometres (5/8 mile)
+        between Essarts and Gommecourt."&mdash;<i>The Evening
+        News.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The road home always seems shorter.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The enemy went at the moment when he left because he was
+        shelled out."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Of course he might have had a different motive if he had
+    gone the moment after he left.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "She was wearing a three-quarter red coat with glass
+        buttons to match a heavy blue skirt with low neck."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We never have approved of these
+    <i>d&eacute;collet&eacute;s</i> skirts.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214"
+       id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:66%;">
+        <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/214.png"
+             alt="THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>First Flapper.</i> "THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR! HE
+        GLARED AT ME AS IF I HADN'T PAID ANY FARE."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Flapper.</i> "AND WHAT DID YOU DO?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Flapper.</i> "I JUST GLARED BACK AT
+        HIM&mdash;AS IF I HAD!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE FRUIT MERCHANT.</h2>
+
+    <p>"I feel regular down this morning, Sir," said Private Thomas
+    Weeks, as I seated myself beside his bed; "regular down, I
+    do."</p>
+
+    <p>It was such a very unusual greeting from this source that I
+    said anxiously, "Not the leg gone wrong?"</p>
+
+    <p>"No, the old leg's fine. It's the stopping of the imports."
+    He indicated the morning paper which he had just laid aside.
+    "It's just about bust up my old business."</p>
+
+    <p>I took the paper and glanced down the list of prohibited
+    articles. Clocks and parts thereof, perfumery, and quails
+    (live) caught my eye. I didn't think it could be any of
+    these.</p>
+
+    <p>"What was your business?" I asked.</p>
+
+    <p>"Fruit merchant, Sir. Barrow trade, you understand. 'Awker,
+    some calls it. But it don't much matter now what it's called,
+    'cos it's bust up."</p>
+
+    <p>"Not quite bust up, is it?" I said. "Only a bit cut down for
+    a time."</p>
+
+    <p>"That may be," he said, "but I got a strong affection for
+    the trade, Sir, a very strong affection, and I can't 'elp
+    feeling it. Why, rightly speaking, it was the fruit trade what
+    got me my D.C.M."</p>
+
+    <p>"Did it though? How was that?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, it was like this. I bin callin' fruit a good many
+    years. I could call fruit with anyone. When I calls ''Oo sez a
+    blood orange?' at Kennington Lane, you could 'ear it pretty
+    well as far as New Cross. Same with ''Ave a banana?' If you're
+    to do the trade you must make the people 'ear. It ain't no good
+    bein' like them chaps what stands in the gutter and whispers,
+    'Umberella ring a penny,' to their boots."</p>
+
+    <p>"But what about the D.C.M.?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I'm comin' to it, Sir. You see, I got it in connection with
+    a little bit o' work Trones Wood way. Through various circs,
+    fault o' nobody really, me and Sam Corney found ourselves alone
+    alongside a dug-out full o' Bosches. If we'd 'ad a few bombs
+    we'd 'a' bin all right, but we 'adn't. I sez to Sam, 'We must
+    scare 'em,' I sez, and I shouts, '<i>'Oo says a blood
+    orange?</i>' at the top o' my voice into the dug-out, which was
+    dark, of course, and I stands in the doorway with my bayonet
+    ready. I can't say what they mistook it for. Crack o' doom, Sam
+    sez. But eight come out o' that dug-out with their 'ands up. I
+    sent Sam off 'ome with 'em, though they'd 'a' gone with no
+    escort at all, I reckon, bein' sort o' stunned. And I went on
+    down the trench.</p>
+
+    <p>"At the turn there was another dug-out. '<i>'Ave a
+    banana?</i>' I yells, and out come ten of 'em, cryin' for
+    mercy. I took 'em back to what we calls Petticoat Lane and
+    'ands 'em over and come up again. But I didn't get no more
+    barrow-work that day, and my D.C.M. was for them prisoners
+    right enough. So now you see what I feels like about the fruit
+    business. It's like an old pal bein' done in."</p>
+
+    <p>"I shouldn't worry too much about it," I said. "You've each
+    had a bit of a knock-out; but you'll soon be on your legs
+    again, and so will your barrow, and going strong, both of
+    you."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SCOTLAND YET.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        [Dr. GEORG BIEDENKAPP, writing in the <i>M&uuml;nchner
+        Neueste Nachrichten</i>, says that if you examine any
+        famous "Englishman" you find that he really comes from
+        Scotland, to which country he assigns a place with Suabia,
+        Thuringia, and the Hartz Mountains as "a cradle of Kultur
+        and a fountain of first-class genius."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Man Sandy, here's a German Hun</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wha thinks he's on a track</p>
+
+            <p>That nane hae trodden, having fun'</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A new an' stairtlin' fac';</p>
+
+            <p>A' English thocht he doots is nocht,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' English ways are henious,</p>
+
+            <p>But ah, says he, in Scotland see</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The hame o' first-class genius.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>New? Why, my feyther kent it fine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An', Sandy, I'll be sworn</p>
+
+            <p>The knowledge o' the fac' was mine</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or ever I was born;</p>
+
+            <p>If there be ane wad daur maintain</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The truth is still to settle,</p>
+
+            <p>I haena met the madman yet</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In bonny braw Kingskettle.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ay, yon's a truth that's kent fu' weel</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In ilka but an' ben;</p>
+
+            <p>But I could teach the German chiel</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A truth he doesna ken;</p>
+
+            <p>Gin ye would find the hame o' mind</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An' intellectual life, man,</p>
+
+            <p>Ye needna look far frae the Nook,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The bonny Nook o' Fife, man.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Whaur did our good EX-PREMIER go</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whene'er he wished to swank?</p>
+
+            <p>To Lunnon? Edinburgh? No!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He cam' to Ladybank;</p>
+
+            <p>Nae doot he thocht if there was ocht</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would put him on his mettle</p>
+
+            <p>'Twas meetin' men o' brain, ye ken,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Like us frae auld Kingskettle.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fleet Street is fu' o' Fifers tae;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Cockneys want the views</p>
+
+            <p>O' men like JOCK MCFARLANE frae</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>The Crail and Cupar News</i>;</p>
+
+            <p>For if a chiel can write sae weel</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That you an' me will read him,</p>
+
+            <p>Why, man, withoot a shade o' doot</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Lunnon is sure to need him.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then tak' the Army. What d'ye see?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wha's chief? Nae need to tell</p>
+
+            <p>That DOUGLAS HAIG is prood to be</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A Fifer like mesel';</p>
+
+            <p>An' weel he may, for truth to say</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There's something aye aboot us:</p>
+
+            <p>In ilka trade they want oor aid&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They canna win withoot us.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Wedding Fashions, B.C.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The bridesmaid was attired in pink
+        carnations."&mdash;<i>"Daily Colonist," Victoria, British
+        Columbia.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215"
+       id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/215.png"
+             alt="FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h2>
+
+    <p>Jim and me could never 'ave got through the six weeks we was
+    billeted with Mrs. Sweedle if we 'adn't been 'ardened by Mrs.
+    Larkins in the way I 'ave described.</p>
+
+    <p>Mrs. Sweedle were a widow woman with a big family, besides a
+    aged father and a brother who suffered with fits. The billetin'
+    orficer was afraid she wouldn't he able to take us in, but Mrs.
+    Sweedle was willin' and eager.</p>
+
+    <p>"Bless their hearts, that I will," she said; "it shall never
+    be said I turned a soldier from my door. Nobody knows better
+    than I do what soldiers is in an 'ouse. Always merry and bright
+    and ready to put their 'ands to anything when a poor woman's
+    work's never done and she's delicate and liable to the
+    sick-'eadache in the mornin's. There's the week's clothes to go
+    through the wringer, but I know what soldiers is for a wringer;
+    they can't leave it alone. And if I 'appens to overlay meself I
+    know there's no cause to worry about Grandfer's cup o' tea, nor
+    yet Bobby and Tom and Albert gettin' off to school tidy. Like
+    as not they'll do me more credit than if I washed 'em meself;
+    there's nobody like a soldier for puttin' a polish on
+    children."</p>
+
+    <p>Mrs. Sweedle overlaid herself the very first mornin', and
+    sent word by Albert if we would be so kind as make her a cup o'
+    tea when we was makin' Grandfer's it might save her a doctor;
+    and the wood for the fire was out in the yard, and she knew,
+    bein' soldiers, we should chop her a barrer-load while we was
+    about it; and when she crawled downstairs presently the
+    breakfast things would be washed and put away, as was the 'abit
+    of soldiers, and very likely the pertaters peeled for
+    dinner.</p>
+
+    <p>It bein' a strange 'ouse and we not knowin' where to put our
+    'ands on anythin', and, when we'd got the kettle to boil, not
+    bein' able to let it out of our sight owin' to the youngest
+    little Sweedle wantin' to drink out of the spout, Jim and me
+    was regler drove. We was as near late for parade as we 'ave
+    ever been in our lives. Mrs. Sweedle was very upset. "I know
+    what soldiers is for punctuality," she said, "a minute late and
+    they're court-martialled. How would it be if you was to lay the
+    fire over-night and scrub over the floor? It 'ud save ye a lot
+    in the mornin', if so be I'm forced to keep me bed."</p>
+
+    <p>We done as she advised, and it were fortunate. She 'ad
+    another sick-'eadache the next day, and sent word by Albert
+    would we be so good as bake her a mouthful of toast; she knew
+    what soldiers' toast was like, it give ye a appetite to look at
+    it, thin and crisp, with the butter laid on smooth as cream and
+    cut in fingers.</p>
+
+    <p>We never run no risk after that. 'Owever dog-tired we was
+    and 'owever Mrs. Sweedle seemed in 'ealth we always got the
+    work forward over-night, and when we could catch 'old of Bobby
+    and Tom and Albert we washed 'em to save time in the mornin'
+    and parted their 'air.</p>
+
+    <p>One day Mrs. Sweedle were well enough to get up. "I know
+    who's goin' to 'ave a treat now," she said. Our 'arts leapt. We
+    did 'ope she might be goin' to say we was to sit down to our
+    breakfasts.</p>
+
+    <p>"Grandfer's goin' to be shaved, and not 'ave to pay tuppence
+    out of 'is poor pension," she said. "There's nobody can shave
+    like a soldier." And when Jim 'ad got the old man by the nose
+    she said to me, "I can see what you want to be at, shakin'
+    these mats with your strong arm and savin' me comin' on
+    giddy."</p>
+
+    <p>It were very 'ard at first, but after a bit Jim and me got
+    into the work at Mrs. Sweedle's and was just able to get
+    through with it, except the mornin' her brother 'ad a fit when
+    we was racin' to finish the washin'-up. That fair broke our
+    backs. We 'ad a sort of seizure on parade and 'ad to fall out
+    till we got our breaths back.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE RECOGNISED.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Give ear to my words and you shall hear</p>
+
+            <p>The song of the British Volunteer,</p>
+
+            <p>Who started out when the War began</p>
+
+            <p>As a middle-aged mostly grey-haired man.</p>
+
+            <p>Too old to be sent to join the dance</p>
+
+            <p>Of the doughty fellows who fought in France,</p>
+
+            <p>He refused to go on the dusty shelf,</p>
+
+            <p>And he set to work and he bought himself</p>
+
+            <p>A spirited grey-green uniform,</p>
+
+            <p>With a cap to match and a British warm,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">And he took his fill</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Of the latest drill;</p>
+
+            <p>But somehow they didn't seem to prize him</p>
+
+            <p>Or wish in the least to recognise him.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But now they have let him cast away</p>
+
+            <p>His excellent clothes of green and grey;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">They think they can use him,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">And don't refuse him,</p>
+
+            <p>And they've dressed him up and they've dressed him
+            down</p>
+
+            <p>In a regular suit of khaki brown;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">He has been gazetted</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">And properly vetted</p>
+
+            <p>As able to march five miles at least,</p>
+
+            <p>Though he puffs a bit when the speed 's
+            increased;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">And he can double</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Without much trouble,</p>
+
+            <p>And do such deeds as a man must do</p>
+
+            <p>Who is willing to help to see things through.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A Wholesale Order.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Lieut-Colonel &mdash;&mdash; received the K.C.B. and other
+        decorations, including C.M.G.s, D.S.O.s, Military Crosses,
+        and Royal Red Crosses."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>From "Paris Theatrical Notes":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The programme for to-day at the Op&eacute;ra compromises
+        'Samson et Dalila.'"&mdash;<i>Continental Daily Mail.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It sounds a little superfluous.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216"
+       id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span>
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks</i>.)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Alfred Lyttelton: An Account of his Life</i>, by EDITH
+    LYTTELTON (LONGMANS), is a most fascinating book. Mrs. ALFRED
+    LYTTELTON might perhaps have contented herself with writing a
+    formal biography of her husband. It would have been difficult
+    for her, but she might, as I say, have done it. Instead of this
+    she takes her readers by the hand in the friendliest manner and
+    admits them with her into the heart and soul of the man with
+    whom she was for twenty years associated. She shows him as what
+    he was, a noble and upright English gentleman, straightforward
+    and tender-hearted, and beloved in a quite exceptional measure
+    by all who were privileged to be his friends. I can only be
+    grateful to Mrs. LYTTELTON for having interpreted her duty in
+    this manner, and for having carried it out with so sure a hand.
+    As I read her pages I saw again in my mind's eye the
+    loose-limbed, curly-headed young son of Anak as he swung down
+    Jesus Lane, Cambridge, or as he witched the world with noble
+    cricketing at Fenner's or at Lord's. It is good to be able to
+    remember him. His Eton tutor described him as being "like a
+    running stream with the sun on it," and there was, indeed, a
+    charm about him that was irresistible. Mrs. LYTTELTON devotes a
+    beautiful chapter to the memory of ALFRED'S first wife, LAURA,
+    who died after one short year of happiness. "She was a flame,"
+    says Mrs. LYTTELTON, "beautiful, dancing, ardent, leaping up
+    from the earth in joyous rapture, touching everyone with fire
+    as she passed. The wind of life was too fierce for such a
+    spirit&mdash;she could not live in it. Surely it was Love that
+    gathered her." I have only one little bone to pick, and that
+    not with Mrs. LYTTELTON, but with Lord MIDLETON, who in a page
+    or two of reminiscences describes as one of ALFRED'S triumphs
+    at the Bar his appearance as counsel for the Warden of Morton,
+    Mr. GEORGE BRODRICK. The Warden, having said something
+    offensive about Mr. DILLON, was hailed before the Parnell
+    Commission for contempt of court. ALFRED put in an affidavit by
+    the Warden, in which the whole thing was said to be a joke, and
+    in his speech he chaffed Mr. REID (now Lord LOREBURN), who was
+    counsel for Mr. DILLON, for being a Scotsman, with a natural
+    incapacity for seeing a joke. So far Lord MIDLETON; but he
+    omits Mr. REID'S crushing retort. "Even a Scotsman," said Mr.
+    REID, "may be pardoned for not seeing a joke which has to be
+    certified by affidavit."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. JEFFERY E. JEFFERY has been playing cheerful tricks on
+    the British public. We must forgive him, because he has for a
+    long time been doing far worse than that to the Huns; but it is
+    undeniable that in following the winding trail of his beloved
+    guns we are in no small danger of losing our sense of
+    direction. This is because along with imaginary tales, some of
+    them written before August, 1914, when of course he could not
+    fix precisely the chronology and locality of his fights, he has
+    mixed almost indiscriminately the record of his own actual
+    experiences during two distinct phases of the War. Not until
+    the last page does he abandon the jest to explain&mdash;with
+    something of a school-boy grin&mdash;just where fact and
+    fiction meet, and so enable me to recover from my bewilderment
+    and pass on a word of warning. Once on your guard, however, you
+    will find his story of the <i>Servants of the Guns</i> (SMITH,
+    ELDER), and more especially the first half of it (dealing, in
+    diary form, with his recent adventures as an officer of
+    Artillery&mdash;he does not state his present rank), as vivid
+    and real as anything of the sort you have seen. Field-gun
+    warfare of to-day&mdash;mathematics, telephones and
+    mud&mdash;with little more of old-time dash and jingle than the
+    hope that some to-morrow may revive them in the Great
+    Pursuit&mdash;this is his theme; and above all the loyalty of
+    the gunner to his guns. Even the story-book part in the middle
+    of the volume speaks of this finely and movingly; but here and
+    there amongst his personal experiences comes a passage less
+    consciously composed that tells it even better in the bareness
+    of a great simplicity.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. J.D. BERESFORD'S new story, <i>House-Mates</i>
+    (CASSELL), might be regarded as an awful warning to young
+    gentlemen seeking bachelor-apartments. Because, if the hero had
+    been a little more careful about his fellow-lodgers at No. 73
+    Keppel Street, he would not, in the first place, have been
+    defrauded of a large sum of money, or, in the second, have been
+    involved in a peculiarly revolting murder. (The special
+    hatefulness of this murder strikes me as rather superfluous.
+    But this by the way.) On the other hand, of course, he would
+    never have married the heroine, and we should have missed a
+    very agreeable study of expanding adolescence. This, I take it,
+    is the real motive of Mr. BERESFORD'S story, as exemplified by
+    his pleasant introductory metaphor of the chicken and the egg.
+    From the feminine point of view, indeed, the tale might be not
+    inaptly labelled "Treatise on Cub-hunting." Anyhow, what with
+    strange actresses and I.D.B. criminals and painted ladies and
+    reviewers (they <i>were</i> a queer lot at No. 73!) the hero
+    completes his tenancy with enough experience of life, chiefly
+    on its shadowy side, to last him for some time. An original and
+    rather appealing story, told with a good deal of charm.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>I was waiting for it, and now, behold, it has come. In
+    <i>The Shining Heights</i> (MILLS AND BOON) the War is over and
+    we have to do with some of the results of it. Unfortunately
+    Miss I.A.R. WYLIE is very chary about dates, and she is not
+    encouraging about the changes which most of us hope will come
+    with peace. "Social conditions indeed," she writes, "had
+    scarcely moved. Universal brotherhood was not ... and, for the
+    vast majority of men and women it had been easiest to go back
+    to the old work, the old pleasure, the old love and the old
+    hate." Well, I don't know much about universal brotherhood, but
+    for the rest I sincerely hope that these gloomy
+    prognostications are wrong. As for the story, laid in the
+    Delectable Duchy, no one needs to be told that Miss WYLIE is a
+    novelist of considerable power and capacity, and here she has
+    chosen a theme of very real interest. It is the rivalry of two
+    men, one of whom had returned from the War with wounds and a
+    V.C., while the other had never taken part in it because he
+    believed (with justification) that he was on the point of
+    making a discovery of value to humanity. The story is well
+    constructed and well told, but I am beginning to think that it
+    is time for Cornwall to be declared a prohibited area for all
+    novelists except Mr. CHARLES MARRIOTT and "Q."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Yet more theatrical recollections. The latest volume of them
+    is <i>My Remembrances</i> (CASSELL), in which Mr. EDWARD H.
+    SOTHERN recounts, with the pleasant humour to be expected from
+    him, what he quaintly (and quite unjustifiably) calls "The
+    Melancholy Tale of Me." One has heard that Mr. SOTHERN, now
+    that he has retired from the stage, proposes to live in
+    England; the book explains such an intention by its evidence of
+    the writer's intense love for this country. Naturally he has a
+    rich stock of good stories, amongst which I was delighted to
+    welcome yet once again that old favourite about the departing
+    spectator who, on being told that two Acts remained to be
+    performed, said briefly, "That's why I'm going!" Newer (to me)
+    was the <i>Dundreary</i> tale that told how the elder SOTHERN'S
+    triumph was actually the result of JEFFERSON'S partiality for
+    horse-exercise. The connection I leave you to find out. Like
+    all volumes of its kind, <i>My Remembrances</i> abounds in
+    photographs. At times, indeed, you may be tempted to consider
+    that the domain of the family portrait album has been too
+    largely usurped. But there is even about this a friendliness
+    which, coupled with the brisk style of its writing, will give
+    the book a popularity as wide as that of its author.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We all know that Mr. WILLIAM CAINE has a gay humour, and he
+    indulges it liberally, sometimes rollickingly, in <i>The
+    Fan</i>. With a candour which I warmly commend he states
+    conspicuously that most of these stories have appeared before,
+    and he expresses his acknowledgments to various Editors over a
+    widish range&mdash;from <i>Macmillan's Magazine</i> to
+    <i>London Opinion</i>, and from <i>The English Review</i> to
+    <i>Answers</i>. It would be an innocent diversion to have to
+    guess which story was written for which Editor. But for
+    whatever public the author caters he is, with only one or two
+    exceptions, out for fun, and he gets it. Some of his stories
+    are pure extravaganzas, but they are written in a style
+    unusually good for this kind, and by a very shrewd observer of
+    human foibles. Messrs. METHUEN tell us that Mr. CAINE "views
+    life from an angle all his own," and although I do not often
+    find myself in agreement with publishers' opinions of their own
+    wares it is to me a right angle.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/216.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/216.png"
+             alt="THE ECONOMIC ERA." /></a>
+
+        <h5>THE ECONOMIC ERA.</h5>
+
+        <p class="center">PROVIDE YOUR OWN WATER SUPPLY AND RELEASE
+        A WATER-RATE COLLECTOR.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p class="center">"THE FOOD HOARDERS THREATENED.</p>
+
+        <p>NOT MORE THAN 1 TON OF COAL AT A TIME."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        News.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Then, as the vulgar have it, the food-hoarders will just
+    have to go and eat coke.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, March 28, 1917, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2175 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+March 28, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 28, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 1, 2005 [EBook #14856]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+March 28th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: _Torpedoed mine-sweeper_ (_to his pal_). "AS I WAS A-SAYIN',
+BOB, WHEN WE WAS INTERRUPTED, IT'S MY BELIEF AS 'OW THE SUBMARINE BLOKES
+AIN'T ON 'ARF AS RISKY A JOB AS THE BOYS IN THE AIRY-O-PLANES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Charged at Kingston with being an absentee from military service, a man of
+retiring habits stated that he did not know the country was at war. When
+told that we were fighting the Germans he was greatly interested.
+
+       ***
+
+The Hamburg hotel-keepers have decided to abolish the practice of charging
+more for food in cases where wine or beer are not consumed. The reason
+given--that there was no wine or beer to be consumed--is so trivial that a
+deeper motive may well be suspected.
+
+       ***
+
+"That is how we lawyers live, because lay-men have such queer ideas," said
+Judge CLUER in a recent case. Nevertheless, the view that lawyers shouldn't
+be allowed to live is not without its ardent supporters.
+
+       ***
+
+_The Manchester Guardian_ has issued an "Empire number." It is pleasant to
+know that all differences between the Empire and our contemporary, due to
+the former's ill-advised participation in the War, have been satisfactorily
+adjusted.
+
+       ***
+
+Events have happened so swiftly of late that up to the time of going to
+press a contemporary had not decided who should be "_The Man who Dined with
+the Tsar_."
+
+       ***
+
+Virginia-creepers are recommended by a contemporary as a "tasty vegetable."
+In one large house where the experiment was tried they were pronounced to
+be quite all right on the second floor, but rather tough in the basement.
+
+       ***
+
+The businesses of Southgate men called to the colours are being conducted
+by a committee. Small sons of those absent fathers are going very warily
+until they have ascertained exactly how far the powers of the committee
+extend.
+
+       ***
+
+Writing on the German retreat Major MORAHT says: "Only a personality like
+that of Marshal von Hindenburg could give proofs of so great an
+initiative." Possibly he has never heard of the Dukes of York and Plaza
+Toro.
+
+       ***
+
+A boy of eleven charged with the theft of clothes is said to have stolen
+the notebook of the policeman who arrested him. His first idea was to pinch
+his captor's whistle, but he rejected this plan on finding that the
+policeman was attached to it.
+
+       ***
+
+Russian soldiers under the new _regime_ will be allowed to smoke in the
+streets, travel inside trains, visit clubs and attend political meetings.
+There is a very strong rumour that they will also be allowed to go on
+fighting.
+
+       ***
+
+A ten-months-old boy at Prescot, Lancashire, has been called up for
+military service. It is, however, authoritatively stated that this is
+merely a precautionary measure on the part of the War Office, and will not
+necessarily apply to other men in the same class.
+
+       ***
+
+A Bromley gentleman is advertising for a chauffeur "to drive Ford car out
+of cab-yard." Kindness is a great thing in cases of this sort, and we
+suggest trying to entice it out with a piece of cheese.
+
+       ***
+
+"You have lost the privilege of serving on the last grand jury during the
+War," said the judge at the London Sessions last week to a shipowner who
+arrived at the court late. We understand that the poor fellow broke down
+and sobbed bitterly.
+
+       ***
+
+Nearly every Russian newspaper contains congratulatory references to Free
+Russia, and poets are busy composing verses on the same theme. It is this
+latter item which is said to be keeping the Germans from having a similar
+revolution.
+
+       ***
+
+We understand that the new "No Smoking near Magazines" enactment is
+profoundly resented in editorial circles.
+
+       ***
+
+To fill the gap which will be left in the ranks of Parliamentary humorists
+by the retirement of Mr. JOSEPH KING, M.P., who has decided not to seek
+re-election, the Variety Artistes Federation have nominated a candidate for
+the Brixton Division.
+
+       ***
+
+"On whatever day you sow your wheat," says Miss MARIE CORELLI, "you cannot
+stop its growing on Sundays." Mr. HALL CAINE has not yet spoken on this
+point, and his silence is regarded as significant.
+
+       ***
+
+Incidentally we are not so sure that you cannot stop wheat growing on
+Sundays. There is good precedent for plucking its ears on the Sabbath, and
+that ought to stop it.
+
+       ***
+
+The KAISER, it appears, is much annoyed at the CROWN PRINCE and the way he
+has mis-managed so many brilliant opportunities. It is even suggested in
+some quarters that the KAISER has threatened, if LITTLE WILLIE does not
+improve, to abdicate in his favour.
+
+       ***
+
+A respectably dressed man was recently arrested for behaving in a strange
+manner in Downing Street. Others have done the same thing before now, but
+have escaped the notice of the police by doing it indoors.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the taxi-cab which stopped in the Strand the other day
+when hailed by a pedestrian, a satisfactory explanation is to hand. It had
+broken down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Overheard by a distinguished singer, who has just concluded
+the first of two Scotch ballads._
+
+_Jock (to his neighbour)._ "A FINE VOICE, YON LASSIE. I'VE HEARD WORSE AN'
+PAID FOR IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO PARIS BY THE "HINDENBURG LINE."
+
+A TEUTON TRIBUTE TO THE ORGANISER OF VICTORY.
+
+  That man at dawn should certainly be shot
+    For being such a liar,
+  Who says that you, my HINDENBURG, are not
+  As high as our All-Highest, mate of GOTT
+    (Or even slightly higher).
+
+  Stout thruster, in the push you have no peer,
+    Yet more supremely brilliant
+  This crowning stroke of progress toward the rear,
+  This strong recoil from which with heartened cheer
+    We hope to bound resilient.
+
+  Lo! the creative spirit's vital spark!
+    None but a genius, _we_ say,
+  Would make his onset backward in the dark
+  Or choose this route for getting at the Arc
+    De Triomphe (Champs Elysees).
+
+  Nor to your care for detail are we blind;
+    Your handiwork we view in
+  The reeking waste our warriors leave behind;
+  We read the motions of a master-mind
+    In that red trail of ruin.
+
+  And not alone by yonder blackened beams,
+    By garth and homestead burning,
+  You put the sanguine enemy off your schemes,
+  Who gaily follows up and never dreams
+    That we'll be soon returning;
+
+  But by these speaking signs of godly hate,
+    This ruthless ravage (_prosit!_),
+  You teach a barbarous world how truly great
+  Our German Gospel, and how grim the fate
+    Of people who oppose it!
+
+  Then praised be Heaven because we cannot fail
+    With HINDENBURG to boss us;
+  And for each hearth stript naked to the gale
+  Let grateful homage plug another nail
+    In your superb colossus.          O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATIONS.
+
+As I said to John, I can bear anger and sarcasm--but contempt, not. Binny
+and Joe are our cats, and the most pampered of pets. Every day, when our
+meals were served, there was spread upon the carpet a newspaper, on which
+Binny and Joe would trample, clamouring, until a plate containing their
+substantial portion was laid down: after which we were free to proceed with
+our own meal.
+
+Then came the paralysing shock of Lord DEVONPORT'S ration announcement, in
+which no mention is made of cats. Binny and Joe looked at one another in
+consternation over their porridge as I read aloud his statement from the
+newspaper at breakfast.
+
+When I came in to luncheon I had a letter in my hand and accidentally
+dropped the envelope. Paper of any kind upon the carpet is associated in
+Binny's mind with the advent of food. Straightway he thudded from his
+arm-chair and sat down upon the envelope. You will notice that I speak
+above of Binny and Joe. I do so instinctively, because, though Binny is
+only half Joe's age of one year, somehow he always occurs everywhere before
+Joe. Joe was lying on the same arm-chair, and the same idea struck him too;
+but Binny got there first and continued sitting on the envelope, until, for
+very shame, I asked Ann, the maid, to spread a newspaper and try them with
+potato and gravy. They looked at it and then at me, and then, without
+tasting, walked off and began their usual after-luncheon ablutions of
+mouth, face and paws. But, as I have said, I can endure sarcasm.
+
+The next day, just before luncheon, a mass of sparrow feathers was found on
+the hall-mat. The second day there were feathers of a blackbird. And the
+third day, when I came down to breakfast, I found a few thrush feathers
+carelessly left under the breakfast-room table. I began to search my mind,
+anxiously wondering whether any of my near neighbours kept chickens.
+
+But the matter was settled that night. When the dinner-gong sounded, Binny
+and Joe rose from their arm-chair, looked at the vegetarian dishes now
+adorning a board which had been wont to send up savoury meaty steams (fish
+in these parts has become a rarity almost unprocurable, and we had
+exhausted our allowance of meat at luncheon, which we had taken at a
+restaurant), and then, with noses in the air and tails erect, stalked
+haughtily to the drawing-room, and there remained until dinner was
+finished.
+
+So now the butcher leaves two pennorth of lights at my door regularly. He
+assures me that Lord DEVONPORT won't mind as it is not strictly human food.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INVADERS.
+
+"I SUPPOSE OLD HINDENBURG KNOWS WHAT HE'S ABOUT?"
+
+"ANYHOW, EVERY STEP TAKES US NEARER THE FATHERLAND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVIII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Recent events calling for strong comment, I turned to my
+friend, my brick-red friend who is able to retain his well-fed prosperous
+look notwithstanding the rigours of trench life, Rrobert James McGrregor. I
+took a map with me and, calling his attention to the general position,
+asked him what about it? McGregor, as you may guess, is a Scot, whose
+national sense of economy seems to have spread to his uniform, in that the
+cap he wears covers but a third-part of his head, and his tunic (which I
+ought really not to call a tunic but a service jacket) appears to have
+exhausted itself and its material at the fourth button. Notwithstanding all
+this, I attach great weight to his truculent views, and, the better to
+incite him into something outright, addressed him in My best Scottish,
+which is, at any rate, as good as his best English. "Rrrrrobert," I said,
+"what like is the VON HINDENBURG line?" Whereupon McGregor, helping himself
+to our mess whisky and cursing it as the vilest production of this vile
+War, spoke out.
+
+McGregor has no respect whatever for HINDENBURG or anything which is his.
+He says that HINDENBURG and his crew have all along taken the line which
+any man could, but no gentleman would. In HINDENBURG he sees the
+personification of Prussian militarism, and for the Prussians and their
+militarism he has no use whatsoever. I forget what exactly is the Highland
+phrase for "no use whatsoever," but its meaning is even worse than its
+sound, and the sound of it alone is terrible to hear. Whatever befalls in
+the interval, it is certain that when at last McGregor and HINDENBURG meet
+they will not get on well together.
+
+McGregor hates militarism. It is entirely inconsistent with his wild ideas
+of liberty. As such he is determined to do it down on all occasions and by
+every means. Not only is he a Scot, he is also a barrister of the most
+pronounced type. Brief him in your cause, and provided it is not a mean one
+he will set out to lay flat the whole earth, if need be, in its defence. He
+will overwhelm opposing counsel with the mere ferocity of his mien; he will
+overbear the Judge himself with the mere power of his lungs, and he will
+carry you through to a verdict with the mere momentum of his loyal support.
+Once he has made a cause his own, no other cause can survive the terror of
+his bushy eyebrows and his flaring face. He is a caged lion, but he does
+not grow thin or wasted in captivity. As ever, he grows stout and strong on
+his own enthusiasms. The cage will not hold much longer. Heaven be praised,
+it's HINDENBURG and not me he's taken a dislike to.
+
+He loathes militarism. Having waited nearly thirty years for a fight, it's
+himself is overjoyed that he has Prussian militarism for the victim of his
+murderous designs. To this end he has become a soldier, such a bloodthirsty
+soldier as never was before and never will be again. The thoroughness of
+it, for an anti-militarist, is almost appalling. The click of his heels and
+the shine of his buttons frighten me. His salute is such that even the most
+deserving General must pause and ask himself if it is humanly possible to
+merit such respect as it indicates. No man, even upon the most legitimate
+instance, may venture, in the presence of the dangerous McGregor, the
+slightest criticism of the British Army or of anything remotely
+appertaining thereto. He will not even permit a sly dig, in a quiet corner,
+at the Staff.
+
+Nevertheless McGregor hates, loathes and detests militarism. His
+convictions are quite clear and convincing. Soldiers are one thing;
+militarists are another. Rrobert James McGrregor, for the moment at least,
+is by the grace of God and the generosity of His Majesty a soldier. That
+creature HINDENBURG is a militarist. Quite so, I agreed; but then what
+about the line? He helped himself to some more whisky, showing that he
+could forgive anybody anything except a Prussian his militarism, and said
+he was coming to that. But first as to HINDENBURG.
+
+The man represents his type and is, says McGregor, a mere bully. He has
+become a bully because he could succeed as nothing else. Given peace, it is
+doubtful if he could get and keep the job of errand-boy in a second-rate
+butcher's shop. Lacking the intelligence or spirit to succeed normally, he
+has not the decency to live quietly in the cheaper suburbs of Berlin and
+let other people do it. Flourish they must, HINDENBURG and his lot, and so
+the world is at war to keep their end up.
+
+Now, says McGregor, it is undoubtedly sinful to fight, but he can't help
+half forgiving those whose desire to have a round is such that they must
+needs cause the bothers. But do I suppose that HINDENBURG ever wanted to
+fight, ever meant or ever means to do it? Not he; and that is why the War
+goes on and on and on. We've got to work through all the other Germans,
+says he, before we'll get to their militarists, who are all alive and doing
+nicely, thank you, behind. When we are getting near the throat of the first
+of them then the War will end.
+
+McGregor cannot bring himself to detest all the Bosches. After all, he
+says, they do stick it out, and their very stupidity makes some call on his
+generosity. But HINDENBURG, he is convinced, never stuck anything out,
+except snubs from his competitor, WILHELM, in the course of his uprising
+career; he makes no call on anybody's generosity, taking everything he
+wants, including (says McGregor) the best cigars. Without ever having
+studied them closely, McGregor has the most precise ideas of HINDENBURG'S
+daily life and habits. He is quite sure he smokes all day the most
+expensive cigars, without paying for them or removing the bands. He rose,
+says McGregor, by artifice combined with ostentation. While his good
+soldiers were studying their musketry, he was practising ferocious
+expressions before his glass. If he ever did get mixed up in a real battle
+(which McGregor doubts) he was undoubtedly last in and first out. However
+it may appear in print, his military career would not bear close scrutiny;
+for that reason McGregor does not propose to scrutinise it. And as for his
+indomitable will, he sees nothing to admire in the man's persistence,
+since, when he stops persisting, he'll become ungummed and, at the best,
+forgotten.
+
+So said McGregor, and when I besought him to come to the point, he said
+he'd dealt with it, and if I had any sympathy left for HINDENBURG or his
+line I was no better than a slave-driving, sit-at-home-and-push-others-
+over-the-parapet Prussian militarist myself. As for the map, it didn't
+matter in the least where HINDENBURG took his old line to, since wherever
+in Europe it endeavoured to conceal itself his own little line would scent
+it out and follow it. And if the HINDENBURG line was more than two hundred
+miles long and the Rrobert James McGrregor line less than two hundred
+yards, still it didn't matter; for when a Scot takes a dislike to somebody,
+that somebody's number is up.
+
+McGregor didn't say that last, but he looked it.
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _McTavish (purchasing paper of posterless newsboy)._ "AWEEL,
+IT'S A 'PIG IN A POKE,' BUT AH'LL RISK IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Frightfulness" in England.
+
+    "Boys wanted for Kicking. ------ Stamping Works."--_Midland Evening News._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'THE MAGIC FLUTE.'
+
+    One ingenious commentator has suggested that the opera has some basis
+    in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' Sarastro is Prospero, Pamina Miranda,
+    Tamino Ferdinand, and perhaps Monostatos Caliban."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+The fact that these Shakespeare characters all occur in "The Tempest"
+enhances the ingenuity of the suggestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The biggest fire in living memory occurred in Chapelhall on Monday
+    morning, when the Roman Catholic School was partly destroyed along with
+    the recreation rooms, damage amounting to L2,000."--_Scotch Local
+    Paper._
+
+The parish pump was probably out of order when this unparalleled
+conflagration occurred; but is seems to be at work again now.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MOTHER, D'YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT BECAME OF OLD
+TOP-HATS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY GODSON.
+
+(_Aged six weeks._)
+
+  Small bundle, enveloped in laces,
+    For whom I stood sponsor last week,
+  When you slept, with the pinkest of faces,
+    And never emitted a squeak;
+  Though vain is the task of illuming
+    The Future's inscrutable scroll,
+  I cannot refrain from assuming
+    A semi-prophetical _role_,
+
+  I predict that in paths Montessorian
+    Your infantile steps will be led,
+  And with modes which are Phrygian and Dorian
+    Your musical appetite fed;
+  You'll be taught how to dance by a Russian,
+    "Eurhythmics" you'll learn from a Swiss,
+  How not to behave like a Prussian--
+    No teaching is needed for this!
+
+  Will you learn Esperanto at Eton?
+    Or, if Eton by then is suppressed,
+  Be sent to grow apples or wheat on
+    A ranche in the ultimate West?
+  Will you aim at a modern diploma
+    In civics or commerce or stinks?
+  Inhale the Wisconsin aroma
+    Or think as the Humanist thinks?
+
+  Will you learn to play tennis from COVEY
+    Or model your stroke on JAY GOULD?
+  Will you play the piano like TOVEY
+    Or by gramophone records be schooled?
+  Will you golf, or will golfing be banished
+    To answer the needs of the plough,
+  And links from the landscape have vanished
+    To pasture the sheep and the cow?
+
+  Your taste in the region of letters
+    I only can dimly foresee,
+  But guess that from metrical fetters
+    The verse you'll affect must be free;
+  And I shan't be surprised or astounded
+    If your generation rebels
+  Against adulation unbounded
+    Of MASEFIELD and BENNETT and WELLS.
+
+  Upholding ancestral tradition
+    Your uncle has booked you at Lord's,
+  But I doubt if you'll sate your ambition
+    Athletic on well-levelled swards;
+  No, I rather opine that you'll follow
+    The lead that we owe to the WRIGHTS,
+  And soar like the eagle or swallow
+    On far and adventurous flights.
+
+  But no matter--in joy and affliction,
+    In seasons of failure or fame,
+  I cherish the certain conviction
+    You'll never dishonour your name;
+  For the love of the mother that bore you,
+    The life and the death of your sire
+  Will shine as a lantern before you,
+    To guide and exalt and inspire.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Life's Little Ironies.
+
+    "Ever-ready Safety Razor, strop, outfit, 12 blades, new; exchange
+    something useful."--_The Model Engineer and Electrician._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The marriage of Captain ----, Grenadier Guards, to Miss ---- was a very
+    quiet affair, and not more than a score of people attended the ceremony
+    at St. Andrew's, Wells-street, during the week.--_Observer._
+
+Quiet, perhaps, but unusually protracted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How it Happened.
+
+From a publisher's advt.:--
+
+  "NEW NOVELS
+    THE HISTORY OF AN ATTRACTION
+    HE LOOKED IN MY WINDOW."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Collectors of coincidences will not fail to notice that what the papers
+call "The Great Allied Sweep" in France was contemporaneous with the
+arrival of General SMUTS in England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+IV.
+
+THE HUNGER-STRIKE.
+
+"Did you hear that?" cried the white hen.
+
+"What?" asked all the other hens.
+
+"He called us--cluck-cluck-cluck," said the white hen.
+
+"Why shouldn't he?" asked all the other hens.
+
+"I didn't mean he called us 'cluck-cluck-cluck,'" said the white hen
+hastily. "I was only choking with rage when I said that. He called
+us--cluck-cluck-cluck--"
+
+"She's going to lay an egg," said the black hen with interest.
+
+"Poultry!" screamed the white hen suddenly.
+
+"Poultry?" gasped the other hens.
+
+"Poultry!--he called us 'poultry'--oh, cluck-cluck-cluck--"
+
+"Something must be done," said the yellow hen.
+
+"Something must be done," repeated all the hens.
+
+"We must have a hunger-strike till he apologises," said the thin hen
+importantly.
+
+"But we shall be hungry," cried all the hens.
+
+"That is the essence of a hunger-strike," said the thin hen.
+
+Just then the keeper arrived with food for the fowls.
+
+"We mustn't run to him," they said to one another. "It's a hunger-strike,
+you know."
+
+Suddenly the fat hen began running to him.
+
+"Come back; it's a hunger-strike, you know!" cried the hens.
+
+"I have an idea," shouted the fat hen as she ran; "the more we eat the
+longer we shall hold out."
+
+"So we shall," cried all the hens as they scurried after the fat one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer (to applicant for War-work)._ "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
+         _Ex-flapper._ "CISSIE"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAVORITE.
+
+Some people would die rather than talk aloud in a 'bus; others would rather
+die than hold their peace there. This second kind is more fun, and four of
+it made part of my journey the other day from Victoria to Oxford Street (I
+forget the number of the 'bus, but it goes up Bond Street) much less
+tedious. They were all young women in the latest teens or the earliest
+twenties, and all were what is called well-to-do, and they were fluent
+talkers.
+
+Years ago, when poor LEWIS WALLER was at the height of his fame, we used to
+hear of a real or fictitious "Waller Club," the members of which were young
+women who spent as much time as they could in visiting his theatre and
+rejoicing in the sight of his brave gestures and the sound of his vibrant
+voice. It was even said that they had a badge by which they could know each
+other; although on the face of it, judging by what sparse scraps of
+information concerning the nature of woman I have been able painfully to
+collect, I should say that segregation would be, in such a case as this,
+more to their taste.
+
+Be that true or only invented, it is very clear that in spite of the War
+and its shattering way with so many ancient shibboleths the cult of the
+actor is still strong; for this is the kind of thing that lasted all the
+way from Hyde Park Corner to Vere Street:--
+
+"Did you see him the other day in that ballet? Of course I knew he could
+dance, because he can do everything, but I never thought he was going to be
+so gloriously graceful as he was."
+
+"But surely you ought to have known. Don't you remember him as the Prince
+at the LORD MAYOR'S Ball?"
+
+"And what a wonderful figure he has!"
+
+"I couldn't help wishing that he had only stained his legs instead of
+putting on red tights."
+
+"My dear!!!"
+
+"It's his grace that's the wonderful thing about him, I always think. His
+ease. He moves so--how shall I put it?--so, well, so easily and
+gracefully."
+
+"Don't you love him when he stands with his hands in his pockets?"
+
+"My dear, yes. But what a wonderful tailor he goes to. I always used to
+tell my brother to try and find out where his things were made and go to
+the same place."
+
+"But of course it's the way clothes are worn much more than the clothes
+themselves. I mean, some men can never look well dressed, whereas others
+can look well in anything."
+
+"But he does go to the best tailor, I'm sure."
+
+"How many times have you seen this new piece?"
+
+"Six."
+
+"Only six! I've seen it eleven."
+
+"I've seen it three times."
+
+"I've seen it five times; but one of those doesn't count, because when we
+got there we found he was ill with chicken-pox. Wasn't that rotten luck?"
+
+"I heard he had been ill, but I didn't know what it was. Was it really
+chicken-pox?"
+
+"Yes, poor darling."
+
+"Fancy him having a thing like that! I suppose it's part of the price of
+keeping so young."
+
+"Oh, yes, isn't he young!"
+
+"They say this thing's going to run for years."
+
+"I hope not. I want to see him in something new. It's so wonderful how he's
+always the same and yet always different."
+
+"I want him to be in every play. I never go to one without thinking how
+much better he would be than the other leading man."
+
+"I saw that little what's-his-name imitate him the other evening. Really
+it's rather a shame."
+
+"Yes, I've seen it. I couldn't help laughing, but I hated myself for it.
+I'm sure, too, he doesn't waggle his head like that."
+
+"No! I couldn't see the point of that at all; but the people shrieked."
+
+"Pooh, they'd laugh at anything."
+
+"What did you like him best of all in?"
+
+"That's difficult. Of course he was priceless as the policeman. But then he
+was priceless as the American too, in that thing before this."
+
+"Well, I think--"
+
+And so on. Except that I never mention his name, and I have suppressed the
+titles of the plays, this is practically an exact reproduction of the
+conversation. Naturally many of the sentences overlapped, for ladies no
+less than gentlemen often talk at the same time; but otherwise I have
+reported faithfully.
+
+And who was the subject of these eulogies? You will guess at once when I
+say that he is probably the only actor in history who is referred to more
+often by his Christian name only than by his surname or full name. These
+young women who adored WALLER spoke of him not as LEWIS, but as LEWIS
+WALLER; and that is the usual custom. The divine SARAH is perhaps the only
+other histrion, and she is a woman, who may be spoken of simply as SARAH,
+with no risk of ambiguity. Ordinarily, as I say, we use either the surname
+only or the surname and Christian name combined, as ELLEN TERRY, VIOLET
+LORAINE, GEORGE GRAVES, GEORGE ROBEY, LESLIE HENSON, NELSON KEYS. But these
+four devotees referred to their hero always as GERALD; just GERALD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Punch's Navy Pages]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gallant Major (temporarily in the care of H.M.'s Navy)._
+"ANOTHER ONE OF THAT SORT AND--I SHALL DO AS I LIKE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Survivor from U-Boat._ "KAMERAD! KAMERAD! IF I VOS ON LAND
+I VOS HOLD UP MEIN HANDS!"
+
+_Ordinary Seaman._ "WELL, YOUR FEET 'LL DO INSTEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _A.B._ "GIVE US YER KNIFE."          _Boy._ "AIN'T GOT IT."
+
+_A.B. (with bitter scorn of non-essentials)._ "GOT YER WRIST-WATCH ALL
+RIGHT, I S'POSE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Apollo._ "I NEVER SAID NOTHING TO 'ER--DID I?"
+
+_Neptune._ "NO. BUT YOU WAS TRYIN' ON ONE OF YER FASCINATIN' LOOKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ECHOES FROM JUTLAND.
+
+_Wine Steward (acting as one of Ammunition Supply Party)._ "WILL YOU TAKE
+LYDDITE OR SHRAPNEL, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SNOOKER POOL AFLOAT.
+
+_Commander (as the black he has tried to pot threatens to touch the port
+cushion)._ "LIST HER TO STARBOARD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "DAMNED SPOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU OUGHT REALLY TO MANAGE TO GET BLOWN TO BITS SOMEHOW,
+NOBBY. YOU'D MAKE A CHAMPION JIG-SAW PUZZLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HEY, DONAL'! HERE'S A WEE BETTLESHIP COMIN' ALONG."
+
+"OCH! A WISH IT MICHT BE A U-BOAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "PARDON ME! I SUPPOSE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM THE
+SEA. CAN YOU TELL ME WHY I'VE HAD TO PAY A PENNY MORE FOR SCALLOPS
+TO-DAY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Landlord._ "WHATEVER DID YOU LET THE FIRE OUT FOR? WHY
+DIDN'T YOU PUT SOME COALS ON?"
+
+_Stoker._ "NOT LIKELY! I'M ON LEAVE, I AM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend._ "SEE YOU'RE IN A HURRY. WON'T KEEP YOU. OFF TO
+ADMIRALTY, I SUPPOSE?"
+
+_Sub-Lieutenant H.M.S. "Unbendable."_ "NOT EXACTLY. FACT IS I'M DUE AT MME.
+GIROUETTE'S ACADEMY. STRUCK AGAINST A COUPLE OF NEW STEPS IN THE FOX TROT
+AT THE PILKINGTONS' LAST NIGHT--RATHER WORRIED ME. BYE-BYE. MUST SHOVE
+OFF!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Apologetic Golfer._ "I SHOUTED 'FORE!' YOU KNOW."
+ _Sailor._ "WELL, YOU'VE HIT ME AFT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tar (by way of opening the conversation)._ "AHEM! BEEN OUT
+IN THE LIFEBOAT OFTEN, MISS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones (who in going through his wardrobe has unearthed a
+memento of happier days at Margate)._ "WELL, IF THEY SHOULD CALL UP THE
+FORTY-FIVES, I THINK IT WILL HAVE TO BE THE NAVY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Artist (impatiently)._ "FOR GOODNESS' SAKE PUT SOME
+EXPRESSION INTO IT! JUST IMAGINE YOU'VE COME THROUGH A TERRIBLE
+EXPERIENCE--SHIP TORPEDOED--YOU SOLE SURVIVOR. AFTER CLINGING TO A
+BELAYING-PIN NINETEEN HOURS IN THE OPEN SEA YOU ARE RESCUED AT THE LAST
+GASP. YOU ARE NOW RELATING YOUR ADVENTURES TO YOUR AGED PARENTS."
+
+_Model (obligingly)._ "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR--I CAN MANAGE IT. BUT EXCUSE
+ME. DID YOU SAY EIGHTEEN HOURS, OR WAS IT NINETEEN?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _King Alfred (founder of the Navy)._ "MADAM, I WAS
+EXPERIMENTING ON BISCUITS FOR MY SEA-DOGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LET HER GO!"
+
+A TRAMP CHANTEY.
+
+  'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go);
+  They built 'er cheap an' they scamped 'er sore,
+  'Er rivets was putty, 'er plates was poor,
+  And then come in the PLIMSOLL line
+  Or I wouldn't be singin' this song o' mine.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  She was cranky an' foul, she was stubborn an' slow
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' she shipped it green when it come on to blow;
+  'Er crews was starved an' their wage was low,
+  An 'er bloomin' owners was ready to faint
+  At a scrape o' pitch or a penn'orth o' paint.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  But she's been 'ere an' she's been there
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' she's been almost everywhere;
+  An' wherever you went you'd sure see _'er_,
+  With 'er rust-red hawse an' 'er battered old funnel,
+  All muck an' dirt from 'er keel to 'er gun'le.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  She's earned 'er keep in a number o' climes
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go);
+  She's changed 'er name a number o' times,
+  Which won't fit right into these 'ere rhymes,
+  But the name of 'er now is the _Sound o' Mull_,
+  Built on the Tyne an' sails out of 'Ull.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' a breaker's price was 'er price before
+  The ships was scarce an' the freights did soar;
+  But she's fetched 'er fourteen pound a ton
+  On the Baltic Exchange since the War begun.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  So she's doin' 'er bit, which we all must do
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  An' whether she's old or whether she's new
+  Don't make much odds to a war-time crew,
+  But 'ooever's sunk or 'ooever's drowned,
+  The _Sound o' Mull_ keeps pluggin' around.
+              (Let 'er go!)
+
+  An' when she goes, by night or by day
+          (Let 'er go--let 'er go),
+  Either up or down, as she likely may,
+  I only 'ope as someone'll say:
+  "'Er keel was laid in 'seventy-four;
+  She done 'er best an' she couldn't do more;
+  She warn't no swell an' she warn't no beauty,
+  But she come by 'er end in the way of 'er duty."
+              (Let 'er go!)           C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THINK WE'LL 'AVE ANOTHER CUT AT THE 'UNS BEFORE THE WAR
+ENDS, JACK?"
+
+"NO FEAR! IT SAYS 'ERE THAT 'INDENBURG'S TAKEN ALL THE ABLE-BODIED AN' PUT
+'EM ON TO WORK OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POULTICE.
+
+Call this cold? You orter been with me in '63, when I was whalin' in the
+North Atlantic. I was steward on the _Ella Wheeler_, 6,000 tons, out from
+New Caledonia. Our skipper was a reg'lar old bluenose, and some Tartar, I
+_don't_ think! Why, 'e'd lay yer out sooner than look at yer; an' once 'e
+put the cook in irons for two days 'cos the poor devil 'ad tumbled up
+against the side of the galley an' burnt the 'air off the side of 'is 'ead,
+and the old man said it was untidy; and we all 'ad to 'ave cold grub for
+two days--and in them latitudes! Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!
+
+But the worst of it was that we 'ad no doctor on board, and when anybody
+took sick the old man insisted on doctorin' 'im 'isself; and 'e 'ad only
+one way of treatin' every disease in the 'orspitals. "Put 'im into 'is
+bunk," he says, "and wait till I bring 'im a 'ot linseed poultice for's
+chest." Tooth-ache or chilblains, a pain in yer stummick or ring-worm--'e
+always says the same thing, "Put 'im in his bunk," he says, "and I'll bring
+'im a 'ot linseed poultice for 's chest." And 'e brought it and put it on
+with 'is own 'ands too! There was no gettin' out of it if once 'e 'eard you
+were sick. Lord, 'ow we 'ated 'im!
+
+There was Pete Malone--'ad a great mop of 'air like a lion or a
+musician--must needs go washing one day on deck, like a fool. It was all
+right as long as 'e 'ad the 'ot water and the soapsuds goin'; but 'e give
+'is 'ead a rinse, an' stood up, and, swelpme, before 'e could get the towel
+to work every single 'air 'e 'd got 'ad its own private icicle, an' 'is
+silly 'ead looked like a silver-plated porkypine.
+
+Well, as I was saying, we were about a 'undred-and-fifty mile from the
+nearest land, which 'ud be the West coast of Greenland, bearin' about E. by
+N., when we thought that at last we were going' to get one back on the old
+man. It was this way. One bitter cold night 'e was makin' 'is way aft to
+turn in, when 'e slips up where a wave 'ad froze on the deck, an' e' goes
+wallop down the 'ole length of the companion, from top to bottom, an' busts
+three of 'is ribs. Of course we all ran an' picked 'im up, an' _said_ we
+'oped 'e wasn't much 'urt. But 'e says, "None of yer jabber, ye swines;
+'elp me inter my bunk, and two of yer bring me a 'ot linseed poultice for
+my chest."
+
+Well, we puts 'im in 'is bunk, and I catches the eye of the first mate, and
+we goes out together. "Mick," says I, "'e's askin' for a 'ot poultice. Lord
+send there's a good fire in the galley!" "If there ain't," says Micky to
+me, "we'll damn'd soon make one." So we makes a fire such as none of the
+ship's company 'ad ever seen; and we gets two buckets of water, one very
+near full, and the other about a quarter full, and we soon 'as 'em both on
+the boil. Then we makes the poultice in the drop of water; and when 'e was
+ready, we gets the grid and puts it across the top of the other bucket, and
+lays the poultice on the grid, and me and the mate picks up the full bucket
+with two pair o' tongs, 'olding a torch under 'er to keep 'er at the boil.
+
+When the old man saw us 'is face twisted a bit! But talk about cold! We
+slapped the poultice on to 'im, and, if you'll believe me, inside o' ninety
+seconds the thing 'ad _froze 'ard on 'im_, and formed a splint, and--saved
+'is life, blarst 'im!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.]
+
+[Illustration: SOME CATCH: THE ANGLER'S DREAM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lieutenant ----, R.N., to Lieutenant ----, R.N. (they are
+paying one of those periodical visits to a lonely island in the South
+Pacific)._ "THESE WRETCHED ISLANDERS, CUT OFF AS THEY ARE FROM ALL THE
+WORLD, ARE, I SUPPOSE, HARDLY CIVILISED."
+
+_First Wretched Islander to Second Wretched Islander._ "DOES THIS VISIT
+INTRIGUE YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND THE LAST THING MY MISSUS SAID TO ME WAS, 'BRING US 'OME
+SOME SORT OF AN OLD CURIOSITY FROM FURREN PARTS.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fond Teuton Parent (to super-tar home on leave)._ "AND YOU
+LIKE YOUR SHIP, FRITZ?"
+
+_Fritz._ "I LOVE HER! SHE'S A WONDER! SUCH SPEED! WHENEVER WE RACE BACK TO
+PORT SHE'S BEEN FIRST EVERY TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Karl._ "WHAT WORRIES ME IS THE FACT THAT WE WANT MORE MEN
+FOR THE NAVY. WHAT I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHERE ARE THEY TO COME FROM?"
+
+_Gretchen._ "BE CALM, KARL. DOUBTLESS OUR GLORIOUS PROFESSORS OF CHEMISTRY
+WILL INVENT A SUBSTITUTE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BREATH OF LIBERTY.
+
+THE GERMAN AUTOCRAT. "THEY MAY FIND THIS WIND VERY BRACING IN RUSSIA BUT IT
+MAKES ME FEEL EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, March 19th._--Captain BATHURST announced that the FOOD CONTROLLER
+would issue an order fixing the retail price of swedes at a figure
+involving a reduction of "something like 200 per cent." The FOOD
+CONTROLLER, as his faithful henchman subsequently remarked, "is always
+doing his best," but if he can really reduce the price of a commodity to
+100 per cent. less than nothing I hope he will not confine his activity to
+a solitary vegetable.
+
+I am afraid that envy was the predominant feeling aroused by Mr. SNOWDEN'S
+story of the family in New Cavendish Street which secured in a single order
+from a single firm no less than sixty-three pounds of sugar. Lest any Hon.
+Members should be tempted to try and do likewise Captain BATHURST promptly
+announced that another order prohibiting hoarding would shortly be issued.
+The House cheered, for, as a journalist Member remarked with gloomy
+satisfaction, "It is only fair that 'no posters' should be followed by 'no
+hoarding.'"
+
+The PRIME MINISTER paid one of his angelic visits to the House to give the
+latest information of the revolution in Russia. His description of it as
+"one of the landmarks in the history of the world" evoked loud cheers, but
+even louder were those which came from the Nationalist benches when he
+remarked that "free peoples are the best defenders of their own honour."
+
+_Tuesday, March 20th._--A long cross-examination of the representative of
+the Air Board produced one valuable statement which Members generally might
+bear in mind. Mr. BILLING asked if it was not "in the public interest or in
+the interests of this House" that certain contracts should be discussed.
+Fixing him with his eye-glass, Major BAIRD replied, "No, the interests of
+the House and of the public, I take it, are the same as the interests of
+the nation."
+
+[Illustration: DEFENSIVE DUET BY MESSRS. ASQUITH AND WINSTON CHURCHILL.]
+
+If there was any lingering doubt as to the main responsibility for the
+inception--as apart from the carrying out--of the Dardanelles affair Mr.
+CHURCHILL himself must have removed it. Unlike his former chief he welcomes
+the publication of the Report, which in his opinion has shared among a
+number of eminent personages a burden formerly borne by himself alone. But
+his enthusiasm for the project as it originally formed itself in his
+fertile brain is undiminished, and he still marvels that for the want of a
+little further sacrifice we should have abandoned the chance of cutting
+Turkey out of the War, and uniting in one friendly federation the States of
+the Balkans.
+
+_Wednesday, March 21st._--General MAUDE'S manifesto to the people of
+Baghdad, with its allusions to the tyranny under which they had long been
+suffering, did not escape the eagle eye of Mr. DEVLIN, ever anxious to
+scarify British hypocrisy. So he drafted a long question to the PRIME
+MINISTER, embodying the most salient passages of the manifesto. Much to his
+disgust it appeared on the Paper without its "most beautiful and striking
+passages." The SPEAKER explained that he had blue-pencilled "a good deal of
+Oriental and flowery language not suitable to our Western climate." Not the
+least part of the joke is the rumour that the manifesto was largely the
+work of a Member of the House well versed in Eastern lore.
+
+_Thursday, March 22nd._--The Ministry of National Service, being unprovided
+at present with a Parliamentary Secretary, is supposed to be represented in
+the House by Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON. But as the Member for Barnard Castle has
+important functions to perform in the War Cabinet and is rarely in the
+House he usually deputes some other Member of the Government to answer
+Questions addressed to him. To-day the lot fell upon Mr. BECK, who
+good-temperedly explained, when a shower of "supplementaries" rained down
+upon him, that he really knew nothing about the Department he was
+temporarily representing. This led to a tragedy, for Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL
+worked himself into a paroxysm of excitement over this constitutional
+enormity, and finally sat down on his hat. "I only wish his head had been
+in it," muttered a brother Irishman--from Ulster.
+
+Believers in "the hidden hand," which is supposed to paralyse our military
+efforts, are divided in opinion as to whether this cryptic member is most
+actively employed by Lord HALDANE, Sir WILLIAM ROBERTSON or Sir EYRE CROWE,
+Assistant-Secretary to the Foreign Office. They will probably regard Lord
+ROBERT CECIL'S statement that some seven years ago Sir EYRE drew up a
+memorandum calling the attention of Sir EDWARD GREY to the grave dangers
+that threatened this country from Germany as further evidence of his
+duplicity. The rest of the world will rejoice at Lord ROBERT'S spirited
+vindication of "one of the ablest of our public servants," who, despite
+Miss CHRISTABEL PANKHURST, is not one of "the three black crows" of
+legendary fame.
+
+When Sir H. DALZIEL, at the outset of his appeal to the Government to make
+another attempt to settle the Irish Question, promised that he would not
+"explore the noxious vapours of the past," I feared the worst. But he was
+as good as his word, and spared us any gruesome excavations in ancient
+Irish history. Major HILLS did even better by implying that it was only
+during the last ten years that the question had warped and diverted our
+domestic politics. If all Irishmen were as reasonable and moderate as Mr.
+RONALD MCNEILL showed himself this afternoon it would not need settling,
+for it would never have arisen. He only asked, if sacrifices were
+necessary, that Ulster should not alone be expected to make them. Sir HAMAR
+GREENWOOD, as the great-grandson of a Canadian rebel who took twelve sons
+into the field--"almost his whole family," added his descendant--insisted
+that the Colonial method of securing Home Rule was the best--first agree
+among yourselves, and then go to the Imperial Parliament to sanction your
+scheme. And perhaps, after the conciliatory spirit displayed in to-day's
+debate, that is not so impossible oven in Ireland as it seemed a few weeks
+ago. Hitherto every attempt of the British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of
+Destiny up the Hill of Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready
+to roll it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate to
+instal it there as the throne of a loyal and united Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERBS OF GRACE.
+
+IV.
+
+THYME.
+
+  All things true,
+    All things sweet--
+  Summer-dawn dew
+    And Love's heart-beat;
+  All things holy,
+  Hill-flow'rs lowly,
+    A far church-chime--
+  _These things dwell_
+    _In the smell_
+      _Of Thyme._
+
+  All things clean,
+    All things pure--
+  Joys that have been
+    And faiths that endure;
+  All things sunny,
+  Bee-song and honey,
+    Sheep-walks, rhyme--
+  _These things dwell_
+    _In the smell_
+      _Of Thyme._
+
+  All things set
+    With sharp sweet pain--
+  April regret
+    For vows yet vain;
+  All things fragrant,
+  Thoughts long vagrant
+    From Beauty's clime--
+  _These things dwell_
+    _In the smell_
+      _Of Thyme._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir John Simon, K.C., cited as an illustration the friendship between
+    Daniel and Jonathan. The Lord Chief Justice: I become very nervous when
+    you support your law by quoting Scripture."--_Daily Mail._
+
+We always feel more nervous when people _mis_quote Scripture for their
+purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Lord Mayor of London, Sir William Dunn, accompanied by other
+    members of the City Council in their robes, and the Lady Mayoress, were
+    amongst the very large conflagration at St. Patrick's, Soho. An
+    eloquent sermon was preached."--_Irish Paper._
+
+"Burning words," indeed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of the difficulties of the members of the Press Gallery
+in reporting Mr. BONAR LAW:--
+
+    "Since he has become leader of the House they have aged and grown
+    haggard and dejected. The sound of his voice fills them with
+    bread."--_Birmingham Daily Post._
+
+Well, in these days that ought to afford them ample consolation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Richard L. Borden's name, now a household word, became familiar
+    only six years ago."--_Daily Paper._
+
+But even now he is not so well known as Sir ROBERT!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE PROFUNDIS.
+
+When I went round the trenches a day or two before we were to move in, the
+great frost was still in possession; but there was a mild feeling in the
+air.
+
+"I can thoroughly recommend these trenches to you, Sir," said the occupier
+in a businesslike manner. "Commodious and well built, fitted throughout
+with the latest pattern duck-boards and reached by three charmingly
+sequestered communication trenches, named Hic, Haec and Hoc. The dug-outs
+are well equipped and well sunk. The whole would form an ideal retreat for
+gentlemen of quiet tastes."
+
+"Good. And the people over the way?"
+
+"Unobtrusive and retiring to a degree."
+
+"In fact," I said, "a most select neighbourhood--unless it thaws."
+
+He dropped pleasantries and answered very seriously. "If it thaws, Heaven
+help you. There's enough water frozen up in these walls to drown the lot of
+you."
+
+It did thaw.
+
+When we relieved, we waded up to the line through miles of trenches all
+knee-deep in water, to the accompaniment of ominous splashes as the sides
+began to fall in. When daylight came we found our select estate converted
+into a system of canals filled with a substance varying in consistency from
+coffee to glue. Hic, Haec and Hoc, owing to the wear and tear of constant
+traffic, became especially gluey, and after a time we rechristened them
+respectively the Great Ooze, the Little Ooze and the River Styx--the last
+not solely in reference to its adhesive qualities, but also because such a
+number of things went West in it. Some time after the original duck-boards
+had sunk out of our depth we could still move along Styx on a solid bottom
+composed of lost gum-boots, abandoned rations and the like. At last, when
+Frankie, struggling up to the line with the rum ration, was forced to dump
+his precious burden in order to save his life, we pronounced Styx
+impassable and thenceforth proceeded along the top after dusk.
+
+The Great Ooze still remained just possible for those whose business took
+them back and forward during the day, but even here were spots in which it
+was worse than unwise to linger. As I squelched painfully through one of
+these on our last day in the line, I found one Private Harrison firmly
+embedded to the top of his thigh-boots. He told me he had been struggling
+vainly for about an hour.
+
+"Give me your hands," I said.
+
+I tugged, but could get no proper purchase. Harrison grew gradually black
+in the face, but remained immovable. I tried another plan. I turned about,
+and Harrison clasped his hands round my neck. Then I walked away.... At
+least that was the idea.
+
+"Harrison," I said anxiously after a determined struggle, "were you
+standing on the duckboards?"
+
+"Yes, Sir. I still am."
+
+"Heavens, so am I. Let go. I've got to get myself out now."
+
+By using Harrison as a stepping-stone to higher things I just managed to
+heave myself out. I surveyed him panting.
+
+"In about an hour it'll be dusk. I'll bring some men and a rope and haul
+you out then. If that fails we'll simply have to hand you over as trench
+stores when we get relieved."
+
+As soon as Fritz's wire had disappeared into the gathering gloom I took out
+my little rescue party. We threw the captive a rope and began to pull
+scientifically under direction of a sergeant skilled in tugs-of-war.
+
+"Heave, you men," I whispered excitedly. "He's coming."
+
+He was, but without his boots. Inch by inch we dragged him out of them. The
+strain was terrific. Suddenly--much too suddenly--the tension broke.
+Harrison shot into the air and fell again with a dull thud in the Ooze
+beside his boots, while the rescue party collapsed head over heels into an
+adjacent shell-hole.
+
+Harrison seemed a little peevish, but consented to try again. The rope
+tautened, and there was a sharp crack from below.
+
+"'Old on," cried the prisoner sharply, "me braces is bust."
+
+"Can't think o' braces now," grunted my burly sergeant. "Heave-ho, lads, up
+she comes!"
+
+Harrison was pulled clean out of his nether garments, cursing bitterly as
+the wind caught his bare legs, and hung suspended between earth and water,
+amid ribald comments from above.
+
+One more pull would do it. But at that moment Fritz, apparently feeling
+that we weren't taking his war seriously enough, opened up with a
+machine-gun. The rescue party dropped the rope and rolled heavily into the
+shell-hole, and the sorely tried Harrison found himself back again, but
+face downwards this time, and held by his arms up to the elbows.
+
+We could hear horrible language, and after a moment, all being quiet, I
+crawled to the edge and looked over. His last struggle had split Harrison's
+tunic and pulled it clean off his back; and now, with his shirt-tail
+trailing dismally in the Ooze, he was making the best of his own way to the
+dressing-station, ungratefully consigning his gallant rescuers to complete
+and lasting perdition as he went.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LOT OF KHAKI ABOUT, WAITER."
+
+"YES, SIR. IT MAKES SOME OF US OLDER ONES FEEL A BIT MUFTI, DON'T IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TOPICAL TRAGEDY.
+
+  Jim Startin was not loved at school;
+  We thought him rather knave than fool.
+  Migrating thence to Oxford, he
+  Failed to secure a pass degree.
+  Years sped--some twenty--ere again
+  Jim Startin swam into my ken.
+  I met him strolling down the Strand
+  Well-dressed, well-nourished, sleek and bland,
+  A high-class journalistic swell--
+  The Headline Expert of _The Yell_.
+  Great at the art, in peaceful days,
+  Of finding means our scalps to raise,
+  The War had since revealed in him
+  A super-Transatlantic vim,
+  And day by day his paper's bills
+  Gave us fresh epileptic thrills.
+  The sons of Belial, in the rhyme
+  Of DRYDEN, had a glorious time,
+  But never managed to attain
+  To Jim's success in giving pain.
+  But while his power was at its height
+  It perished in a single night;
+  For, with his bills by law abolished,
+  Jim's occupation was demolished;
+  Headlines that can't be blazed abroad
+  On bills and posters are a fraud;
+  They cease to titillate the mob
+  Or draw the pennies from its fob,
+  So Jim was "fired" and lost his job.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (to coalheavers)._ "_SO_ SWEET OF YOU TO COME. I DO
+HOPE YOU'LL COME AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "More to the west the British marked fresh progress south of
+    Achiet-le-Petit, where their lines were advanced on a front of 2
+    kilometres (1-1/4 miles). Finally the Germans fell back for the length
+    of 2 kilometres (5/8 mile) between Essarts and Gommecourt."--_The
+    Evening News._
+
+The road home always seems shorter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The enemy went at the moment when he left because he was shelled
+    out."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Of course he might have had a different motive if he had gone the moment
+after he left.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "She was wearing a three-quarter red coat with glass buttons to match a
+    heavy blue skirt with low neck."
+
+We never have approved of these _decolletes_ skirts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Flapper._ "THE CHEEK OF THAT CONDUCTOR! HE GLARED AT
+ME AS IF I HADN'T PAID ANY FARE."
+
+_Second Flapper._ "AND WHAT DID YOU DO?"
+
+_First Flapper._ "I JUST GLARED BACK AT HIM--AS IF I HAD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRUIT MERCHANT.
+
+"I feel regular down this morning, Sir," said Private Thomas Weeks, as I
+seated myself beside his bed; "regular down, I do."
+
+It was such a very unusual greeting from this source that I said anxiously,
+"Not the leg gone wrong?"
+
+"No, the old leg's fine. It's the stopping of the imports." He indicated
+the morning paper which he had just laid aside. "It's just about bust up my
+old business."
+
+I took the paper and glanced down the list of prohibited articles. Clocks
+and parts thereof, perfumery, and quails (live) caught my eye. I didn't
+think it could be any of these.
+
+"What was your business?" I asked.
+
+"Fruit merchant, Sir. Barrow trade, you understand. 'Awker, some calls it.
+But it don't much matter now what it's called, 'cos it's bust up."
+
+"Not quite bust up, is it?" I said. "Only a bit cut down for a time."
+
+"That may be," he said, "but I got a strong affection for the trade, Sir, a
+very strong affection, and I can't 'elp feeling it. Why, rightly speaking,
+it was the fruit trade what got me my D.C.M."
+
+"Did it though? How was that?"
+
+"Well, it was like this. I bin callin' fruit a good many years. I could
+call fruit with anyone. When I calls ''Oo sez a blood orange?' at
+Kennington Lane, you could 'ear it pretty well as far as New Cross. Same
+with ''Ave a banana?' If you're to do the trade you must make the people
+'ear. It ain't no good bein' like them chaps what stands in the gutter and
+whispers, 'Umberella ring a penny,' to their boots."
+
+"But what about the D.C.M.?"
+
+"I'm comin' to it, Sir. You see, I got it in connection with a little bit
+o' work Trones Wood way. Through various circs, fault o' nobody really, me
+and Sam Corney found ourselves alone alongside a dug-out full o' Bosches.
+If we'd 'ad a few bombs we'd 'a' bin all right, but we 'adn't. I sez to
+Sam, 'We must scare 'em,' I sez, and I shouts, '_'Oo says a blood orange?_'
+at the top o' my voice into the dug-out, which was dark, of course, and I
+stands in the doorway with my bayonet ready. I can't say what they mistook
+it for. Crack o' doom, Sam sez. But eight come out o' that dug-out with
+their 'ands up. I sent Sam off 'ome with 'em, though they'd 'a' gone with
+no escort at all, I reckon, bein' sort o' stunned. And I went on down the
+trench.
+
+"At the turn there was another dug-out. '_'Ave a banana?_' I yells, and out
+come ten of 'em, cryin' for mercy. I took 'em back to what we calls
+Petticoat Lane and 'ands 'em over and come up again. But I didn't get no
+more barrow-work that day, and my D.C.M. was for them prisoners right
+enough. So now you see what I feels like about the fruit business. It's
+like an old pal bein' done in."
+
+"I shouldn't worry too much about it," I said. "You've each had a bit of a
+knock-out; but you'll soon be on your legs again, and so will your barrow,
+and going strong, both of you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCOTLAND YET.
+
+    [Dr. GEORG BIEDENKAPP, writing in the _Muenchner Neueste Nachrichten_,
+    says that if you examine any famous "Englishman" you find that he
+    really comes from Scotland, to which country he assigns a place with
+    Suabia, Thuringia, and the Hartz Mountains as "a cradle of Kultur and a
+    fountain of first-class genius."]
+
+  Man Sandy, here's a German Hun
+    Wha thinks he's on a track
+  That nane hae trodden, having fun'
+    A new an' stairtlin' fac';
+  A' English thocht he doots is nocht,
+    An' English ways are henious,
+  But ah, says he, in Scotland see
+    The hame o' first-class genius.
+
+  New? Why, my feyther kent it fine,
+    An', Sandy, I'll be sworn
+  The knowledge o' the fac' was mine
+    Or ever I was born;
+  If there be ane wad daur maintain
+    The truth is still to settle,
+  I haena met the madman yet
+    In bonny braw Kingskettle.
+
+  Ay, yon's a truth that's kent fu' weel
+    In ilka but an' ben;
+  But I could teach the German chiel
+    A truth he doesna ken;
+  Gin ye would find the hame o' mind
+    An' intellectual life, man,
+  Ye needna look far frae the Nook,
+    The bonny Nook o' Fife, man.
+
+  Whaur did our good EX-PREMIER go
+    Whene'er he wished to swank?
+  To Lunnon? Edinburgh? No!
+    He cam' to Ladybank;
+  Nae doot he thocht if there was ocht
+    Would put him on his mettle
+  'Twas meetin' men o' brain, ye ken,
+    Like us frae auld Kingskettle.
+
+  Fleet Street is fu' o' Fifers tae;
+    The Cockneys want the views
+  O' men like JOCK MCFARLANE frae
+    _The Crail and Cupar News_;
+  For if a chiel can write sae weel
+    That you an' me will read him,
+  Why, man, withoot a shade o' doot
+    Lunnon is sure to need him.
+
+  Then tak' the Army. What d'ye see?
+    Wha's chief? Nae need to tell
+  That DOUGLAS HAIG is prood to be
+    A Fifer like mesel';
+  An' weel he may, for truth to say
+    There's something aye aboot us:
+  In ilka trade they want oor aid--
+    They canna win withoot us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Wedding Fashions, B.C.
+
+    "The bridesmaid was attired in pink carnations."--_"Daily Colonist,"
+    Victoria, British Columbia._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRIGHTFULNESS ON THE ALLOTMENTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+Jim and me could never 'ave got through the six weeks we was billeted with
+Mrs. Sweedle if we 'adn't been 'ardened by Mrs. Larkins in the way I 'ave
+described.
+
+Mrs. Sweedle were a widow woman with a big family, besides a aged father
+and a brother who suffered with fits. The billetin' orficer was afraid she
+wouldn't he able to take us in, but Mrs. Sweedle was willin' and eager.
+
+"Bless their hearts, that I will," she said; "it shall never be said I
+turned a soldier from my door. Nobody knows better than I do what soldiers
+is in an 'ouse. Always merry and bright and ready to put their 'ands to
+anything when a poor woman's work's never done and she's delicate and
+liable to the sick-'eadache in the mornin's. There's the week's clothes to
+go through the wringer, but I know what soldiers is for a wringer; they
+can't leave it alone. And if I 'appens to overlay meself I know there's no
+cause to worry about Grandfer's cup o' tea, nor yet Bobby and Tom and
+Albert gettin' off to school tidy. Like as not they'll do me more credit
+than if I washed 'em meself; there's nobody like a soldier for puttin' a
+polish on children."
+
+Mrs. Sweedle overlaid herself the very first mornin', and sent word by
+Albert if we would be so kind as make her a cup o' tea when we was makin'
+Grandfer's it might save her a doctor; and the wood for the fire was out in
+the yard, and she knew, bein' soldiers, we should chop her a barrer-load
+while we was about it; and when she crawled downstairs presently the
+breakfast things would be washed and put away, as was the 'abit of
+soldiers, and very likely the pertaters peeled for dinner.
+
+It bein' a strange 'ouse and we not knowin' where to put our 'ands on
+anythin', and, when we'd got the kettle to boil, not bein' able to let it
+out of our sight owin' to the youngest little Sweedle wantin' to drink out
+of the spout, Jim and me was regler drove. We was as near late for parade
+as we 'ave ever been in our lives. Mrs. Sweedle was very upset. "I know
+what soldiers is for punctuality," she said, "a minute late and they're
+court-martialled. How would it be if you was to lay the fire over-night and
+scrub over the floor? It 'ud save ye a lot in the mornin', if so be I'm
+forced to keep me bed."
+
+We done as she advised, and it were fortunate. She 'ad another
+sick-'eadache the next day, and sent word by Albert would we be so good as
+bake her a mouthful of toast; she knew what soldiers' toast was like, it
+give ye a appetite to look at it, thin and crisp, with the butter laid on
+smooth as cream and cut in fingers.
+
+We never run no risk after that. 'Owever dog-tired we was and 'owever Mrs.
+Sweedle seemed in 'ealth we always got the work forward over-night, and
+when we could catch 'old of Bobby and Tom and Albert we washed 'em to save
+time in the mornin' and parted their 'air.
+
+One day Mrs. Sweedle were well enough to get up. "I know who's goin' to
+'ave a treat now," she said. Our 'arts leapt. We did 'ope she might be
+goin' to say we was to sit down to our breakfasts.
+
+"Grandfer's goin' to be shaved, and not 'ave to pay tuppence out of 'is
+poor pension," she said. "There's nobody can shave like a soldier." And
+when Jim 'ad got the old man by the nose she said to me, "I can see what
+you want to be at, shakin' these mats with your strong arm and savin' me
+comin' on giddy."
+
+It were very 'ard at first, but after a bit Jim and me got into the work at
+Mrs. Sweedle's and was just able to get through with it, except the mornin'
+her brother 'ad a fit when we was racin' to finish the washin'-up. That
+fair broke our backs. We 'ad a sort of seizure on parade and 'ad to fall
+out till we got our breaths back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECOGNISED.
+
+  Give ear to my words and you shall hear
+  The song of the British Volunteer,
+  Who started out when the War began
+  As a middle-aged mostly grey-haired man.
+  Too old to be sent to join the dance
+  Of the doughty fellows who fought in France,
+  He refused to go on the dusty shelf,
+  And he set to work and he bought himself
+  A spirited grey-green uniform,
+  With a cap to match and a British warm,
+            And he took his fill
+            Of the latest drill;
+  But somehow they didn't seem to prize him
+  Or wish in the least to recognise him.
+
+  But now they have let him cast away
+  His excellent clothes of green and grey;
+            They think they can use him,
+            And don't refuse him,
+  And  they've  dressed him up and they've dressed him down
+  In a regular suit of khaki brown;
+            He has been gazetted
+            And properly vetted
+  As able to march five miles at least,
+  Though he puffs a bit when the speed 's increased;
+            And he can double
+            Without much trouble,
+  And do such deeds as a man must do
+  Who is willing to help to see things through.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Wholesale Order.
+
+    "Lieut-Colonel ---- received the K.C.B. and other decorations, including
+    C.M.G.s, D.S.O.s, Military Crosses, and Royal Red Crosses."--_Evening
+    Standard._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From "Paris Theatrical Notes":--
+
+    "The programme for to-day at the Opera compromises 'Samson et
+    Dalila.'"--_Continental Daily Mail._
+
+It sounds a little superfluous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+_Alfred Lyttelton: An Account of his Life_, by EDITH LYTTELTON (LONGMANS),
+is a most fascinating book. Mrs. ALFRED LYTTELTON might perhaps have
+contented herself with writing a formal biography of her husband. It would
+have been difficult for her, but she might, as I say, have done it. Instead
+of this she takes her readers by the hand in the friendliest manner and
+admits them with her into the heart and soul of the man with whom she was
+for twenty years associated. She shows him as what he was, a noble and
+upright English gentleman, straightforward and tender-hearted, and beloved
+in a quite exceptional measure by all who were privileged to be his
+friends. I can only be grateful to Mrs. LYTTELTON for having interpreted
+her duty in this manner, and for having carried it out with so sure a hand.
+As I read her pages I saw again in my mind's eye the loose-limbed,
+curly-headed young son of Anak as he swung down Jesus Lane, Cambridge, or
+as he witched the world with noble cricketing at Fenner's or at Lord's. It
+is good to be able to remember him. His Eton tutor described him as being
+"like a running stream with the sun on it," and there was, indeed, a charm
+about him that was irresistible. Mrs. LYTTELTON devotes a beautiful chapter
+to the memory of ALFRED'S first wife, LAURA, who died after one short year
+of happiness. "She was a flame," says Mrs. LYTTELTON, "beautiful, dancing,
+ardent, leaping up from the earth in joyous rapture, touching everyone with
+fire as she passed. The wind of life was too fierce for such a spirit--she
+could not live in it. Surely it was Love that gathered her." I have only
+one little bone to pick, and that not with Mrs. LYTTELTON, but with Lord
+MIDLETON, who in a page or two of reminiscences describes as one of
+ALFRED'S triumphs at the Bar his appearance as counsel for the Warden of
+Morton, Mr. GEORGE BRODRICK. The Warden, having said something offensive
+about Mr. DILLON, was hailed before the Parnell Commission for contempt of
+court. ALFRED put in an affidavit by the Warden, in which the whole thing
+was said to be a joke, and in his speech he chaffed Mr. REID (now Lord
+LOREBURN), who was counsel for Mr. DILLON, for being a Scotsman, with a
+natural incapacity for seeing a joke. So far Lord MIDLETON; but he omits
+Mr. REID'S crushing retort. "Even a Scotsman," said Mr. REID, "may be
+pardoned for not seeing a joke which has to be certified by affidavit."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. JEFFERY E. JEFFERY has been playing cheerful tricks on the British
+public. We must forgive him, because he has for a long time been doing far
+worse than that to the Huns; but it is undeniable that in following the
+winding trail of his beloved guns we are in no small danger of losing our
+sense of direction. This is because along with imaginary tales, some of
+them written before August, 1914, when of course he could not fix precisely
+the chronology and locality of his fights, he has mixed almost
+indiscriminately the record of his own actual experiences during two
+distinct phases of the War. Not until the last page does he abandon the
+jest to explain--with something of a school-boy grin--just where fact and
+fiction meet, and so enable me to recover from my bewilderment and pass on
+a word of warning. Once on your guard, however, you will find his story of
+the _Servants of the Guns_ (SMITH, ELDER), and more especially the first
+half of it (dealing, in diary form, with his recent adventures as an
+officer of Artillery--he does not state his present rank), as vivid and
+real as anything of the sort you have seen. Field-gun warfare of
+to-day--mathematics, telephones and mud--with little more of old-time dash
+and jingle than the hope that some to-morrow may revive them in the Great
+Pursuit--this is his theme; and above all the loyalty of the gunner to his
+guns. Even the story-book part in the middle of the volume speaks of this
+finely and movingly; but here and there amongst his personal experiences
+comes a passage less consciously composed that tells it even better in the
+bareness of a great simplicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J.D. BERESFORD'S new story, _House-Mates_ (CASSELL), might be regarded
+as an awful warning to young gentlemen seeking bachelor-apartments.
+Because, if the hero had been a little more careful about his
+fellow-lodgers at No. 73 Keppel Street, he would not, in the first place,
+have been defrauded of a large sum of money, or, in the second, have been
+involved in a peculiarly revolting murder. (The special hatefulness of this
+murder strikes me as rather superfluous. But this by the way.) On the other
+hand, of course, he would never have married the heroine, and we should
+have missed a very agreeable study of expanding adolescence. This, I take
+it, is the real motive of Mr. BERESFORD'S story, as exemplified by his
+pleasant introductory metaphor of the chicken and the egg. From the
+feminine point of view, indeed, the tale might be not inaptly labelled
+"Treatise on Cub-hunting." Anyhow, what with strange actresses and I.D.B.
+criminals and painted ladies and reviewers (they _were_ a queer lot at No.
+73!) the hero completes his tenancy with enough experience of life, chiefly
+on its shadowy side, to last him for some time. An original and rather
+appealing story, told with a good deal of charm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was waiting for it, and now, behold, it has come. In _The Shining
+Heights_ (MILLS AND BOON) the War is over and we have to do with some of
+the results of it. Unfortunately Miss I.A.R. WYLIE is very chary about
+dates, and she is not encouraging about the changes which most of us hope
+will come with peace. "Social conditions indeed," she writes, "had scarcely
+moved. Universal brotherhood was not ... and, for the vast majority of men
+and women it had been easiest to go back to the old work, the old pleasure,
+the old love and the old hate." Well, I don't know much about universal
+brotherhood, but for the rest I sincerely hope that these gloomy
+prognostications are wrong. As for the story, laid in the Delectable Duchy,
+no one needs to be told that Miss WYLIE is a novelist of considerable power
+and capacity, and here she has chosen a theme of very real interest. It is
+the rivalry of two men, one of whom had returned from the War with wounds
+and a V.C., while the other had never taken part in it because he believed
+(with justification) that he was on the point of making a discovery of
+value to humanity. The story is well constructed and well told, but I am
+beginning to think that it is time for Cornwall to be declared a prohibited
+area for all novelists except Mr. CHARLES MARRIOTT and "Q."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yet more theatrical recollections. The latest volume of them is _My
+Remembrances_ (CASSELL), in which Mr. EDWARD H. SOTHERN recounts, with the
+pleasant humour to be expected from him, what he quaintly (and quite
+unjustifiably) calls "The Melancholy Tale of Me." One has heard that Mr.
+SOTHERN, now that he has retired from the stage, proposes to live in
+England; the book explains such an intention by its evidence of the
+writer's intense love for this country. Naturally he has a rich stock of
+good stories, amongst which I was delighted to welcome yet once again that
+old favourite about the departing spectator who, on being told that two
+Acts remained to be performed, said briefly, "That's why I'm going!" Newer
+(to me) was the _Dundreary_ tale that told how the elder SOTHERN'S triumph
+was actually the result of JEFFERSON'S partiality for horse-exercise. The
+connection I leave you to find out. Like all volumes of its kind, _My
+Remembrances_ abounds in photographs. At times, indeed, you may be tempted
+to consider that the domain of the family portrait album has been too
+largely usurped. But there is even about this a friendliness which, coupled
+with the brisk style of its writing, will give the book a popularity as
+wide as that of its author.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We all know that Mr. WILLIAM CAINE has a gay humour, and he indulges it
+liberally, sometimes rollickingly, in _The Fan_. With a candour which I
+warmly commend he states conspicuously that most of these stories have
+appeared before, and he expresses his acknowledgments to various Editors
+over a widish range--from _Macmillan's Magazine_ to _London Opinion_, and
+from _The English Review_ to _Answers_. It would be an innocent diversion
+to have to guess which story was written for which Editor. But for whatever
+public the author caters he is, with only one or two exceptions, out for
+fun, and he gets it. Some of his stories are pure extravaganzas, but they
+are written in a style unusually good for this kind, and by a very shrewd
+observer of human foibles. Messrs. METHUEN tell us that Mr. CAINE "views
+life from an angle all his own," and although I do not often find myself in
+agreement with publishers' opinions of their own wares it is to me a right
+angle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ECONOMIC ERA.
+
+PROVIDE YOUR OWN WATER SUPPLY AND RELEASE A WATER-RATE COLLECTOR.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+           "THE FOOD HOARDERS THREATENED.
+
+    NOT MORE THAN 1 TON OF COAL AT A TIME."--_Daily News._
+
+Then, as the vulgar have it, the food-hoarders will just have to go and eat
+coke.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, March 28, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14856 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14856)