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diff --git a/14846-h/14846-h.htm b/14846-h/14846-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..04fb8cb --- /dev/null +++ b/14846-h/14846-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2413 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, July 16, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103, +July 16, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103, July 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14846] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 16, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" + id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span> + + <h2>TO THE FIRST BATHING-MACHINE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Wordsworth.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O blank new-comer! I have seen,</p> + + <p class="i2">I see thee with a start:</p> + + <p>So gentle looking a Machine,</p> + + <p class="i2">Infernal one thou art!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When first the sun feels rather hot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or even rather warm,</p> + + <p>From some dim, hibernating spot</p> + + <p class="i2">Rolls forth thy clumsy form.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Perhaps thou babblest to the sea</p> + + <p class="i2">Of sunshine and of flowers;</p> + + <p>Thou bringest but a thought to me</p> + + <p class="i2">Of such bad quarter hours.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy very narrow bench,</p> + + <p>Thou, bounding on in wild career,</p> + + <p class="i2">All shake, and jolt, and wrench.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Till comes an unexpected stop;</p> + + <p class="i2">My forehead hits the door,</p> + + <p>And I, with cataclysmic flop,</p> + + <p class="i2">Lie on thy sandy floor.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,</p> + + <p class="i2">I, blushing, venture out;</p> + + <p>And find the sea is still a mile</p> + + <p class="i2">Away, or thereabout.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Blithe little children on the sand</p> + + <p class="i2">Laugh out with childish glee;</p> + + <p>Their nurses, sitting near at hand,</p> + + <p class="i2">All giggling, stare at me.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again</p> + + <p class="i2">Within thy tranquil shade,</p> + + <p>And wait until the rising main</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall banish child and maid.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thy doors I dare not open now,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy windows give no view;</p> + + <p>'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow:</p> + + <p class="i2">I dress myself anew.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Set wide the door. All round is sea!</p> + + <p class="i2">"Hold tight, Sir!" voices call,</p> + + <p>And in the water, jerked from thee,</p> + + <p class="i2">I tumble, clothes and all!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O blessed thing! this earth we pace</p> + + <p class="i2">Thy haunt should never be,</p> + + <p>A quite unmentionable place</p> + + <p class="i2">That is fit home for thee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/13.png" + alt="ELECTION INTELLIGENCE." /></a> + + <h3>ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Brilliant Elector</i> (<i>at the Polling + Station</i>). "IT'S A STOUTISH KOIND OF A MAN, WITH A BALD + 'EAD, AS AR WISHES TO VOTE FOR, BUT AR 'M BLESSED IF AR + KNOW 'IS NAÄME!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.</h2> + + <h3>No. III.</h3> + + <p>It is with the greatest possible pleasure that <i>Mr. + Punch</i> presents to his readers the following example of the + New Poetry. It is taken from a collection entitled "<i>Rhymes + of the Ropes</i>" These Rhymes are intended to illustrate the + everyday life of the British prize-fighter, his simple joys, + his manly sorrows, his conversational excellences, and his + indomitable pluck. The author has never been a prize-fighter + himself, but he claims for these Rhymes the merit of absolute + truth in every detail. In any case it is quite certain that + every critic who reviews the volume will say of it, that no + previous book has ever presented to us, with such complete + fidelity, the British prize-fighter as he lives and moves, and + has his being—not the gaudy, over-dressed and + over-jewelled creature whom the imagination of the public + pictures as haunting the giddy palaces of pleasure, and adored + by the fairest of the fair, but the rough, uncouth, simple + creature to whom we Britons owe our reputation for pluck and + stamina. How the critic knows this, never having been a + prize-fighter himself, and never having associated with them, + is a question which it might be difficult to answer. But, + nevertheless, the critic will guarantee the "<i>Rhymes of the + Ropes</i>."</p> + + <p>If some of <i>Mr. Punch's</i> readers, while recognising the + force and go of the lines, shall think them <i>tant soit + peu</i> coarse and brutal, the fault must not be ascribed to + <i>Mr. Punch</i>, but to the brilliant young author. Moreover, + <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs leave to say, that squeamishness of that + kind is becoming more and more absurd every day under the + influence of the New Poetry and its professors. Here then + is—</p> + + <h3>KNOCKED OUT.</h3> + + <h4 class="sc">By Mr. R*d**rd K*pl*ng.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh it's bully when I land 'em with a counter on the + jaw,</p> + + <p>When the ruby's all a drippin' and the conks are red + and raw;</p> + + <p>And it's bully when I've downed 'em, and the lords + are standin' booze,</p> + + <p>Them lords with shiny shirt-fronts, and their + patent-leather shoes.</p> + + <p class="i6">But you'd best look jolly meek</p> + + <p class="i6">When you're up afore the beak,</p> + + <p>For they hustle you, and bustle you, and treat you + like a dog.</p> + + <p class="i6">And its 'Olloway for you</p> + + <p class="i6">For a month or may be two,</p> + + <p>Where the Widow keeps a mansion and purvides you + with your prog.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was 'ero 'ere and 'ero there, I might 'ave been a + King,</p> + + <p>For to 'ear 'em 'ip 'urraying as I stepped into the + ring,</p> + + <p>When I faced the Tipton Slasher, me and 'im in + four-ounce gloves,</p> + + <p>Just to make us look as 'armless as a pair o' + bloomin' doves.</p> + + <p class="i6">Then I bruises 'im and batters,</p> + + <p class="i6">And 'e cuts my lips to tatters,</p> + + <p>And I gives 'im 'alf a dozen where 'is peepers ought + to be.</p> + + <p class="i6">And 'e flattens out my nose</p> + + <p class="i6">With a brace of bally blows,</p> + + <p>Which I 'ardly 'ad expected from a pug as couldn't + see.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Next round the Slasher's groggy, 'e 'angs 'is 'ands + and gropes</p> + + <p>(I'd knocked him orf 'is legs at last) a-feelin' for + the ropes.</p> + + <p>And, lor, 'e looked so cheerful with 'is face a mask + of red</p> + + <p>That I bust myself with laughin' when I bashed 'im + on the 'ead.</p> + + <p class="i6">Then they counted up to ten,</p> + + <p class="i6">But 'e couldn't rise again;</p> + + <p>'E gasped a bit, and puffed a bit, and laid there in + a 'eap.</p> + + <p class="i6">And I copped a thousand pounds</p> + + <p class="i6">For a fight of seven rounds,</p> + + <p>Which was all the time it took me for to put my man + to sleep.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah, the soft uns call it brutal; there's Mr. H.P. + COBB,</p> + + <p>And 'is talk, which isn't pretty, about ruffians + (meanin' us).</p> + + <p>I'd like to tap <i>'is</i> claret when 'e's up and + on the job,</p> + + <p>And send 'im 'ome a 'owlin' to 'is mammy or 'is + nuss.</p> + + <p class="i6">But I'd rather take the chuck</p> + + <p class="i6">For a show of British pluck,</p> + + <p>And do my month in chockee, and eat my skilly + free;</p> + + <p class="i6">And I'll leave the curs to snivel</p> + + <p class="i6">With their 'Ouse o' Commons drivel,</p> + + <p>Which may suit a pack of jaw-pots, but, by gosh, it + don't suit me.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"What I suffer from, at this time of year, when I go into + the country," says Mrs. R., "is 'Flybites.'" She pronounced it + as a word of three syllables, and then added, "I rather think + the learned way of spelling it is 'Phlybites.'"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" + id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/14.png" + alt="CORIOLANUS." /></a> + + <h3>CORIOLANUS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I WOULD HE HAD CONTINU'D TO HIS COUNTRY</p> + + <p>AS HE BEGAN, AND NOT UNKNIT, HIMSELF,</p> + + <p>THE NOBLE KNOT HE + MADE."—<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act. IV., Scene + 2.</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" + id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/15.png" + alt="HENGENIOUS IDEA." /></a> + + <h3>HENGENIOUS IDEA.</h3> + + <p><i>Early Visitor.</i> "WHY, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, + MATHILDE,—TURNING YOUR BOUDOIR INTO A POULTRY + YARD?"</p> + + <p><i>Mathilde.</i> "WELL, MY DEAR, AS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO + RELY ON GETTING NEW-LAID EGGS IN TOWN, I HAVE HAD MY PET + COCHIN-CHINA UP FROM THE COUNTRY, AND SHE IS THOROUGHLY TO + BE TRUSTED!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>CORIOLANUS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">"I would he had continu'd to his + country</p> + + <p class="i2">As he began, and not unknit, himself,</p> + + <p class="i2">The noble knot he made."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>Coriolanus</i>, Act IV., Scene 2.</p> + + <p>"His Majesty discriminates between the Prince BISMARCK of + former times, and of to-day, and is anxious that his Government + should avoid everything which might tend to diminish, in the + eyes of the German nation, the familiar figure of its greatest + Statesman."—<i>Instructions to Imperial German + Representatives abroad:</i>—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Can this be he who "At the + Gates"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p class="i2">Of Janus' Temple stood of old,</p> + + <p class="i2">Protective, vigilant, and bold,</p> + + <p>As one who calmly dares—and waits?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>So fancy limns him, who'll not cease</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>To watch o'er what his brain + upbuilt</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> sang. And now he lifts the + hilt,</p> + + <p>Warlike, against a Patriot Peace.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Calm warder then, challenger now.</p> + + <p class="i2">The tower he reared would he attack,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because—they have not called him + back</p> + + <p>Like CINCINNATUS from the plough?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The wounds that he doth bear for Rome,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Should speak wide-lipped against the + change.</p> + + <p class="i2">The new <i>Coriolanus</i>! Strange,</p> + + <p>So great a past to <i>this</i> should come!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The imperious Roman, banished, bared</p> + + <p class="i2">Against Rome's walls a traitor blade.</p> + + <p class="i2">But <i>you</i>—revenge is scarce + your trade,</p> + + <p>Hero, in faction's mazes snared.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The shirt of Nessus poisoned not,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor angered Hercules as you</p> + + <p class="i2">Seem angered, poisoned. Yet you knew</p> + + <p>On ARNIM's shield to bare the blot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What should it say, Count HARRY's ghost,</p> + + <p class="i2">Could it beside your couch appear,</p> + + <p class="i2">And whisper in his foeman's ear?</p> + + <p>Share you not that which shamed him most?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>You</i> flaunt the Press against the Throne?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>You</i> bare State secrets to the + crowd?</p> + + <p class="i2">You who against the Mob were loud,</p> + + <p>With mockery MARCIUS well might own?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It doth not fit a splendid past.</p> + + <p class="i2">The Sentinel in arms arrayed</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the Citadel, a shade</p> + + <p>Of gloom o'er glory's sheen will cast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The illustrious name of BISMARCK blot</p> + + <p class="i2">With no such treason as could dim</p> + + <p class="i2">The Roman's glory, nor, like him.</p> + + <p>Yourself unknit <i>your</i> "noble knot"!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p><i>See</i> Cartoon "At the Gates," p. 151, vol. 85, year + 1883.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THAT DUTCHMAN OOMS.</h2> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>The Admiral's Broom</i>."</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[J.J.K. OOMS, an amateur sculler from Amsterdam, won + easily the "Diamond Sculls" at Henley this year, beating V. + NICKALS, and others of our crack oars.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, OOMS was a champion brave and bold,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Dutchman's pride was he;</p> + + <p>And he cried, "I can row on the Thames, I know,</p> + + <p class="i2">As well as the Zuyder Zee,</p> + + <p class="i10">As well as the Zuyder Zee!"</p> + + <p>And as his boat he set afloat,</p> + + <p class="i2">And looked o'er the Henley tide,</p> + + <p>He saw all England taking note,</p> + + <p class="i2">And he trimmed his sculls and + cried:—(<i>Bis.</i>)</p> + + <p class="i4">"I'll win those 'Sculls!'" said he,</p> + + <p class="i4">"The 'Diamond Sculls' for me!</p> + + <p>That the world may know, wherever I go</p> + + <p>Thames yields to the Zuyder Zee!" (<i>Bis.</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Cried JOHN BULL, "Here! You Dutchman queer.</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day you must row with me;</p> + + <p>For while I ride Thames' silver tide,</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll be second to none," said he;</p> + + <p class="i6">"I'll be second to none," said he.</p> + + <p>So they blazed away at that Dutchman gay,</p> + + <p class="i2">Stout NICKALS, brave BOYD, and + all—</p> + + <p><i>But</i> the Dutchman's ship our best did + whip,</p> + + <p class="i2">And BULL cried to his merry men all, + (<i>bis</i>)</p> + + <p class="i4">"We're whipped, boys, for once," said + he,</p> + + <p class="i4">"It's a whip that's a licker to me."</p> + + <p>Right well OOMS pulls, and the 'Diamond Sculls'</p> + + <p class="i4">Are gone to the Zuyder Zee!</p> + + <p class="i4">VAN TROMP with his broom made free,</p> + + <p class="i4">But this OOMS has "swept" Hen-ley.</p> + + <p>Here's his health! But oh! those Sculls, you + know,</p> + + <p class="i2">Must come back from the Zuyder Zee."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SOME COMFORT.—Harrow beat Eton at Lords' last week. + The Etonians have some consolation in the fact of the + Head-Master of Harrow being an Etonian. Without doing violence + to their feelings, they can simply pronounce the Head-Master's + name, and say, "<i>Well done, Harrow!</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW READING OF AN OLD GREEK PROVERB (<i>by a disappointed + Author, whose Work has been recently cut up in the + Press</i>).—"Κρηται + αει Ψευσται." + <i>I.e.</i>, "Critics are always liars."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" + id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/16-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16-1.png" + alt="UNFAIR ADVANTAGE." /></a> + + <h3>UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.</h3> + + <p><i>Gladstonian Dentist</i> (<i>to Tory Patient</i>). "I + HAVE THE MOST PROFOUND ADMIRATION—MOUTH A LITTLE MORE + OPEN, THANKS—FOR THAT GREAT MAN, GLADSTONE,—AND + IT WAS ONLY LAST WEEK—&c. &c. &c."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ON THE FLY-LEAF OF AN OLD BOOK.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's long been loose; at last it's quite</p> + + <p>Come out—the very thing to write</p> + + <p>My laundry list on. Think what might</p> + + <p class="i10">Have been upon it!</p> + + <p>Some lines by GOLDSMITH, neatly planned,</p> + + <p>A verse by BYRON, mighty grand,</p> + + <p>Or even, penned by SHAKSPEARE's hand,</p> + + <p class="i10">A song or sonnet;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>DA VINCI might have made a sketch,</p> + + <p>Or REMBRANDT drawn a head to etch,</p> + + <p>Or TURNER dashed some tints—'twould fetch</p> + + <p class="i10">A thousand guineas.</p> + + <p>Here might have been some notes, compiled</p> + + <p>By IBSEN, MAETERLINCK, or WILDE,</p> + + <p>On how some writers have beguiled</p> + + <p class="i10">Some simple ninnies;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some words on Cooks, by RANDOLPH C.,</p> + + <p>Or Greek Home Rule, by Grand Old G.,</p> + + <p>Some Irish notes by A.J.B.,</p> + + <p class="i10">A cheque from DILLON.</p> + + <p>How useless now to think what might</p> + + <p>Have been, for I have blacked the white!</p> + + <p>It is not even fit to write</p> + + <p class="i10">A washing-bill on!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>CHURCH AND BOOTH.—The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was + recently a guest at the Munching House on the occasion of an + Undenominational Banquet. His Grace, in a post-prandial speech, + observed that the Salvation Army came "fluting" among us, but + he thought that the Army's success would be as "fleeting" as it + was "fluting." Neat this for his Grace-after-dinner. This was a + nice after-dinner way of giving "<i>caviare</i> to the + General." No "laughter" appears to have followed, so the + <i>caviare</i> was not generally taken.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LITERARY NOTE AND QUERY.—First volume of + <i>Tacitus</i> translated into English by A.W. QUILL. Judging + from a review in the <i>Times</i> of this instalment, it is the + work of neither a soft nor hard Quill, but a medium Quill. With + such a suggestive name, this author will show himself a Goose + Quill if he does not at once turn his attention to the History + of PENN.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/16-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/16-2.png" + alt="Lady Gay." /></a> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>The Bobolink, Henley.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>The Election at Sheepsdoor being regarded as a "moral" for + our Candidate—(what a delightful change from the + <i>im-moral</i> way in which elections <i>used</i> to be + conducted!)—I felt it was safe for me to wing my flight + to fresh scenes and pastures new!—not that I wanted any + "new pastures," having been a <i>grass</i>-widow for some + time;—but having had enough of the "rolling + billow"—(by the way, the rolling "<i>Billow</i>" at + Stockbridge didn't roll fast enough)—I yearned for the + silvery smoothness of Father Thames, so started for Henley with + my faithful <i>Eulalie</i>—(I really must change her + name, it sounds like a Swiss jödel); but, oh! my + goodness!—talk about <i>billows</i>—the Channel + passage is a fool to what we found at Henley! Waves mountain + high!—(This of course is an exaggeration, but I've read + it so often in sea-novels, that I've almost come to believe it + possible—it would be nearer the truth, as dear Mrs. + RAMSBOTHAM would pronounce it, I fancy—waves "mounting + high.") I had to sit all day on the roof of the + <i>Bobolink</i>, with a lifebelt or <i>something</i> round my + waist!—and having made me acquaintance of a sweet youth + who could swim, I implored him not to leave me!—and he + didn't—the whole day long. Ah! he was <i>very</i> + nice!—I need not tell you I didn't notice the racing + <i>much</i>, but I did take an interest in <i>two</i> of the + contests; viz.—(I don't know what "viz." means—but + I <i>do</i> know I am using it correctly)—The Diamond + Sculls, and The Ladies' Challenge. The Diamonds were walked + off, or rowed off to Holland—(great place, I'm told, for + diamonds)—by Mr. K. OOMS (who evidently "kooms" of an + athletic stock), amid the generous cheers of our defeated + Englishmen! The other—and naturally, from its title, the + most important event—was competed for by two boat-loads + from Cambridge University—<i>Crews</i>, I believe, they + call them, but I always thought it was a sign of contempt to + allude to any party of people as "a crew." However that may be, + I was informed that "First Trinity had carried off the Ladies!" + (just as if they were a pack of Sabine women), and I suppose it + was true; though, in counting up the Ladies in sight, I only + missed <i>one</i>—and she, I found, had fallen into the + river, and been gallantly rescued by a spectator, who, I + presume, was determined to have <i>his</i> share, in spite of + the First Trinity Men!</p> + + <p>Back to town, after all was over on Thursday, to find + everybody wild with "election fever." A large group surrounding + the "tape" at the Club (I belong to the "Amazon," of course), + and ordering lemon squashes when a seat was lost, and whiskey + and seltzer when the reverse was the case! Oh, this Election! + Thank goodness, I'm off to Newmarket, to spend the week with + Sir NEWMAN and Lady GATESHEAD, with a distinct feeling of + relief at getting back to business after this fortnight of + exciting relaxation!</p> + + <p>Next week's racing furnishes quite a lengthy <i>menu</i>, + with several attractive <i>entrées</i>, and some good + "made-up-overnight" dishes; in fact, a programme which appeals + strongly to every racy palate. I do not propose to work my way + through the entire <i>menu</i> (not being an Alderman), and + will only hint at a few of the side-dishes, which may be worth + attention reserving my great effort for the "<i>plat de + résistance</i>" at Sandown; so, at Newmarket—try just a + mouthful of July Handicap <i>à la</i> Duke of DEVONSHIRE's + "Selected;" should it choke you, have a pat on the "Bach" when + attacking the Beaufort <i>Stakes</i>; and to wind up with + dessert, worthy of a CHESTERFIELD, take a "Meddler." If this + conglomeration of good things is not too much for you, travel + back to town in time for the great race of the week; but, + <i>if</i> upset, don't blame,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">"Eclipse Stakes Selection."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With <i>Gouverneur</i>, <i>Orme</i>, and such giants + to run,</p> + + <p class="i2">It needs the cool calm of a PLATO</p> + + <p>To fix on the horse that will "capture the bun!"</p> + + <p class="i2">But I think it will be + "<i>Orvieto</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" + id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:48%;"> + <a href="images/17-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17-1.png" + alt="Fancy Sketch for a Brazen Statue of a Composer notable for his 'Horns and Brass.'" /> + </a>Fancy Sketch for a Brazen Statue of a Composer notable + for his "Horns and Brass." + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—<i>Première</i> of <i>Elaine</i>. + BEMBERG Composer, LÉON-JEHIN Conductor, and Sir DRURIOLANUS + Producer. Full House, determined to give New Opera a fair + hearing, and sit it out. Don't get a new Opera every day. + Congratulations to BEMBERG in a general way. "In a first Opera" + (if this be his first), to quote the Composer of the recent + De-La-ra-Boom Buddha, who was complacently listening to the + other Composer's new Opera, "originality breeds contempt." So a + little bit here, and a little bit there, here a bit, and there + a bit, and everywhere a bit, gets rid of all superfluity in the + Composer's brain, and saves the listening critic much trouble. + Then his next Opera—Ah!—<i>that</i> ought to be all + genuinely new and original Sparkling BEMBERG Cabinet. + "<i>Elaine</i>," observed a lady critic, "is graceful and + airy"—which, in the lady's presence, the present listener + was not prepared to deny.</p> + + <p>Contented must have been Composer BEMBERG with such a cast + as was made and provided for him by Sir DRURIOLANUS. MELBA, as + the "Lily Maid of Astolat," charming, with a charming song, + "<i>L'Amour est pur</i>." The audience was in an encoring + humour, but, thank goodness, only a few encores were taken, and + the others left, otherwise none of us would have been home till + sunrise. In the swan-like dying scene the Composer wrings our + heart-strings with his harp-strings, reminding everyone + forcibly that, as <i>Mr. Guppy</i> observed, "There <i>are</i> + chords!" Wagnerian, sometimes, is our BEMBERG, with his horns + and brass. Fine chorus at beginning of Act II.—the + Tournament Act—which shows, as a foolish person observed, + "a Rummy lot at Camelot." At end of Third Act MELBA and JEAN DE + RESZKÉ (who must have joined the Salvation Army, as he was, + apparently, "saving himself" all the evening) were + enthusiastically called. Engaged in curtseying her thanks, + MELBA didn't notice—as, how should she?—property + steps behind her, on which, at about her tenth curtsey, she + suddenly sat down about two seconds before she could possibly + realise that there was any chance of sitting down. But JEAN + LAUNCELOT DE RESZKÉ was there, and rescued her! Good Knight! + JEAN DE RESCUE! Then EDWARD, as <i>Hermit</i>, own brother to + <i>Friar Laurence</i>, excellent. But so were they all, and the + Opera will well repay several re-hearings.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—<i>Aïda</i>. Generally considered + rather a heavy Opera by VERDI. "But to-night," says WAGSTAFF, + "the Verdi-ict quite t'other way." MAUREL excellent as + <i>Amonasro</i>, and MAGGIE MACINTYRE looked, acted, and sang + Maggie-nificently. Uncommonly good was GIULIA RAVOGLI as + <i>Amneris</i>, <i>Aïda's</i> rival for the love of the + small-sized <i>Radamès Dimitresco</i>, or Dimi-nutive-Tresco + (comparatively speaking), to whom EDWARD DE RESZKÉ, being quite + <i>a Ned</i> and shoulders taller, might spare some of his + superfluous inches.</p> + + <p>EDWARD uncommonly good as <i>Ramfis</i>, which name, + considering the peculiar make-up, might be appropriately + changed to <i>Rum Phiz</i>, and nobody be any the worse. + BEVIGNANI conducted himself and the orchestra admirably; M. + PLANÇON, in English Plain Song, did all well that as <i>Il + Re</i> he had to do, looking every inch a <i>Re</i>, and not a + bit <i>Il</i>. Mlle. BAUERMEISTER was <i>Una Sacerdotissa</i>, + but she would be anything and do everything well. Signer + RINALDINI was <i>Un Messagiero</i>. His costume might have been + more effective had Sir AUGUSTUS brought him up to date as a + Messenger Boy for the Telephonie-sol-fa Company. This can be + amended. House good.</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Covent Garden, <i>Elaine</i> expected, + but didn't appear. JOHN THE RISKY, the <i>Launcelot</i> of the + Opera, unwell. "Not <i>Launcelot</i>, but another!" cried Sir + DRURIOLANUS, only there wasn't another. So <i>Carmen</i> was + played. "Not this <i>Elaine</i>," continued Sir AUGUSTUS, "but + Drur-e-lane." So away! to hear the Trumpeter of the German + Band. This <i>Trompeter</i> might be played as a trump in a + small house, but 'tis trumpery for Drury Lane. One phrase of an + old music-hall ditty, the words of which were, "She walked + forward, <i>I</i> followed on, tra la la!" constantly recur. + Who originated it? Unwonted excitement of going to two Operas + told on shattered frame, so staggered to Maiden Lane, which, on + account of its being the home for oysters, crabs, and lobsters, + should be renamed Mer-maiden Lane. Behold! good Dr. BAYLIS + "within the Rules" making up his evening prescriptions. + "<i>Quis supperabit?</i>" asked the learned Dr. B. + "<i>Ego</i>," replied I, like JEAMES, knowing the language. And + "supper-a-bit" it was. "'84 <i>wachterum unum pintum frigidum + sumendum cum</i> '92 <i>chickeno</i>," &c. "My benizon on + thee!" said CRITICUS REDIVIVUS. "Dr. BAYLIS, I bay-<i>liss</i> + thee!" with the accent on the "<i>liss</i>." So home. After all + the chops and changes of this operatic life, I am with "chicken + and champagne" content. <i>Finis coronat opus.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MORE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ALCOHOLIC QUESTION.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A few remarks on Dr. Robson Roose's Article in New + Review.</i>)</h4> + + <p>1. Inebriates should be shut up in Alcoholloway Prison.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/17-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/17-2.png" + alt="'Neat' Handed Phyllis." /></a> + + <h4 class="sc">"'Neat' Handed Phyllis."</h4>"A contribution + to the Alcohol Question." + </div> + + <p>2. "<i>Food-accessory</i>" is a very pretty name for drink. + Henceforth let the butler go round as "the merry toast goes + round." Let butlers and footmen, in dining-rooms and places + where they have various liquors, be instructed to inquire of + each and every guest "What food-accessory will you take, + Sir?"</p> + + <p>3. "<i>The use of Alcohol dates from very early times.</i>" + But it is not recommended by the faculty as a good thing to be + taken at 7 A.M., or at any time in the morning immediately on + awaking.</p> + + <p>As to when any one has had enough "alcohol," the old test + first put forward many years ago by <i>Mr. Punch</i>, still + holds good. If you can say "British Constitution" distinctly, + and without effort, so that it shall not be all in one + composite word sounding like "Bri'sh-conshushun," then, + perhaps, you may go up-stairs (if you can) and join the + ladies.</p> + + <p>4. "<i>The liver is very prone to become affected.</i>" The + question is, first, Is "an evil liver" or "a good liver" here + intended? But, apart from this, any affectation in a liver, + good or bad, is objectionable. It must be taken for granted, in + a serious discussion on the subject, that "a slave to his + liver" is a synonym for "a livery servant." The one objection + to a livery servant lies in this very fact; for a slave to + liver is rarely in a good humour, and is generally sulky, lazy, + and disobliging.</p> + + <p>5. "<i>Wine comes in, rubs off the acerbities, and brings + all down to the same level of good humour.</i>" The end of such + a happy party is, of course, all under the table, smiling, but + speechless.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Smiling, but beautiful they lay,</p> + + <p>A gleam was in their half-closed eye,</p> + + <p>But still they murmured with a sigh,</p> + + <p class="i10">Hic-shelsher-wa'.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Dr. ROBERTS, as quoted by his <i>confrère</i>, ROBSON + ROOSETEM PASHA, appears to be a very sensible person. Dr. + ROBERTS—he is not Dr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, we + believe—recommends the liqueur to be judiciously taken at + meal-times. And, by the way, as the knowledge of when to cry, + "Hold, enough!" is most useful, here is another test of + sobriety in this very word "judicious," which some, after a + couple of glasses (or more) of fine old cognac, will pronounce + as though 'twere spelt "seducious," and some will swear it + ought to be "jusidious." When nobody can pronounce "judicious" + correctly, the <i>arbiter bibendi</i>, if himself absolutely + sober as a judge ought to be,—a man quite "above-board," + <i>i.e.</i>, not yet under it,—such a one may pronounce + that the guests have had quite enough. It is a pity that so + excellent a writer on temperance should have the singular + disadvantage of a plural name. If, after dinner, a worthy + convivialist observed, "I see ROBERTS," would not the question + naturally be, "How many of 'em?" The Doctor can omit the "s," + and, as perhaps he is already a little singular in his + carefully-advanced theories, why should he not de-pluralise his + surname? Do the Doctors R.R. and R. differ on this? Then we + must decide. In the meantime, to show our approval of this + particular article of Dr. ROBSON ROOSTEM PASHA's faith, we, as + a jovial company, drink his health, and then depart for our + annual Alcoholiday trip.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LAWN TENNIS INTELLIGENCE.—BADDELAY has taken the + cake.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" + id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/18.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/18.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED + OTHERWISE.</h3>(<i>Lady Festus At Home</i>—2 + A.M.)<br /> + <i>Hostess.</i> "ONLY JUST COME, SIR GEORGE? HOW GOOD OF + YOU TO COME SO LATE!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUT OF IT!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>The Lay of the Non-Elected.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Then a warm-faced functionary read the + "Declaration"—when</p> + + <p class="i2">A sort of sinking sickness took SMITH in + the abdomen;</p> + + <p class="i2">And he smiled a sickly sort of smile, and + stalked out at the door,</p> + + <p class="i2">And the subsequent proceedings interested + <i>him</i> no more!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>Bret Harte adapted.</i></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pheugh! His poll was taken early (it was <i>not</i> + on Saturday),</p> + + <p>And he lost by seven hundred, and is out of the + fierce fray;</p> + + <p>And whether he rejoices, or internally repines,</p> + + <p>May be clear to the wiseacres who can "read between + the lines."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It was hot, too, while it lasted, and of epidemic + ills</p> + + <p>The Election Fever "takes the cake." 'Tis true it + seldom kills,</p> + + <p>But for far and wide contagion, and for agony + acute,</p> + + <p>Its supremacy is certain as its sway is + absolute.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And he had it very badly. He looks convalescent + now,</p> + + <p>But the frenzy of the meeting brought the crimson to + his brow,</p> + + <p>And his thorax is still husky with his eloquent + appeal</p> + + <p>To the mustered working-men at the hour of mid-day + meal.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How they swarmed about his waggon! How their oily + fustian filled</p> + + <p>The summer air with fragrance that his fine + olfactories thrilled!</p> + + <p>How very loud their shouts were, and how very rude + their jeers,</p> + + <p>And how very strong the <i>bouquet</i> of clay pipes + and bitter beers!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>His arguments amused them, and his peroration + fine,</p> + + <p>About "standing for old England stoutly all along + the line,"</p> + + <p>Would have surely proved impressive, but for some + sardonic ass,</p> + + <p>Who produced an anti-climax with the shouted comment + "Gas!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then the mob broke up in laughter, to return to pipe + and can,</p> + + <p>And—plumped for his opponent pretty nearly to + a man;</p> + + <p>For of all ungrateful cynics, and of all impervious + clowns,</p> + + <p>Commend me (says our wanderer), to the workmen of + our towns.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, <i>experientia docet</i>. That confounded + "local Club"</p> + + <p>(Blend of Institute and Chapel with a savour of the + pub.)</p> + + <p>Where the pallid-faced cheesemongers, and the + clammy-handed snobs,</p> + + <p>Swarmed around to "patronise" him, was the toughest + of tough jobs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Its rooms were wondrous stuffy and its members + scarce "good form,"</p> + + <p>For they mostly dropped their aitches, and they + always looked <i>so</i> warm.</p> + + <p>Why political enthusiasts so run to noise and + heat,</p> + + <p>And crude manners, and bad grammar, is a <i>crux</i> + that's hard to beat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But he bore it,—yes, he bore it; he shook + heaps of 'orny 'ands,</p> + + <p>Heard the shindy of their shoutings, and the braying + of their bands;</p> + + <p>Stood their "heckling," which was trying, and their + praises, which</p> + + <p>were worse,</p> + + <p>All the claims upon his time, and taste, his + patience, and his purse.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then they "chucked" him by three figures! Well, he's + "out of it," thanks be!</p> + + <p>And he "offs it by the Special" to the river or the + sea.</p> + + <p>He heard the "Declaration," <i>and</i> the rival + Party's roar,</p> + + <p>And—"the subsequent proceedings interested him + no more."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"'<i>Latest Results! Helections!!</i>' Oh, confound + the boy! Get out!</p> + + <p>Let the winners sum their winnings, let their + blatant backers shout.</p> + + <p>What have I to do with pollings? Cease, cacophonous + urchin, cease!</p> + + <p>I am going to read <i>The Wrecker</i>, and possess + my soul in peace!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"D.G." and MRS. R.—<i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to + congratulate the <i>Daily Graphic</i> on the electioneering + ladder showing every day the position of the Parties. Very + "Happy Thought." His ancient friend, Mrs. RAM, in speaking of + this journal, observed, that "<i>Daily Graphic</i> was not by + any means a new name, and the paper ought to have been purely + theatrical, as the person after whom it is evidently called was + the celebrated actor, you know, my dear, in the last century, + whom Dr. JOHNSON used to call 'Little Daily Graphic.'"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" + id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/19.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/19.png" + alt="OUT OF IT!" /></a> + + <h3>OUT OF IT!</h3>(<i>"And the subsequent Proceedings + interested him no more.</i>") + + <p>NEWSPAPER-BOY. "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR! LATEST RESULTS O' THE + POLL, SIR!"</p> + + <p>REJECTED CANDIDATE (<i>growls</i>). "OH! GO TO THE + DEUCE!!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" + id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/21-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-1.png" + alt="HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF." /></a> + + <h3>HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.</h3> + + <p><i>Lady Godiva.</i> "NOW PROMISE ME, YOU DEAR GOOD MAN, + PROMISE ME YOU'LL VOTE FOR LORD JAMES, AND + I'LL—<i>I'LL DIV YOU A TISS!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE END OF HENLEY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from a Historical Sketch yet to be + written.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/21-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/21-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>It was shortly after the middle of July, 1892, that the + Great Representative of the British Race stood upon the + Victoria Embankment, watching the river-steamers as they passed + to and fro. There were few persons about, for the General + Election was over, and civilised London was out of Town. Some + of civilised London had gone abroad, some were in Scotland, + some by the Sea. So the Great Representative expected to see no + one.</p> + + <p>"<i>Mr. Punch</i>, I believe!" said some one, approaching + the Great Representative. The speaker was a person who wore a + garb peculiarly suitable to the autumnal sultriness of the + weather. He had about a couple of yards of calico, and one good + coating of serviceable paint. The Great Representative bowed + his head, and by a gesture, invited further explanation.</p> + + <p>"I am connected with the literary world, and am a Colonist. + I am known, or used to be known (for I am getting a trifle out + of date), as Lord MACAULAY's New-Zealander."</p> + + <p>Again the Great Representative bowed. He knew his visitor, + and bade him welcome. Then he asked him the cause of his + visit.</p> + + <p>"Well, I really don't know," replied the New-Zealander, with + a short laugh. "I am afraid I must have been hoaxed. I was told + that England was absolutely ruined, and was looking for a + comfortable seat amongst the remains of London Bridge."</p> + + <p>"You see you are slightly premature," returned the Great + Representative, pointing towards a more or less majestic pile + in the offing. "There was some talk of rebuilding the structure + some short while ago, but a viaduct near the Tower was + considered preferable. When it is opened, there will be + Knighthoods for the Sheriffs, and a Baronetcy for the Lord + MAYOR."</p> + + <p>"And yet," pondered the New-Zealander, "I was certainly + informed by wire, that the glory of Britain had vanished for + ever."</p> + + <p>"Very likely an Election cry," observed <i>Mr. Punch</i>, + "In the midst of a contested polling, both sides think the + success of their rivals must be followed by immediate disaster. + But somehow or other, things settle down afterwards, and + nothing comes of it. Whichever side wins, the old flag floats + in the wind as gaily and as prosperously as ever."</p> + + <p>"And yet I was certainly told that the sun of England had + set never to rise again," persisted the Aboriginal, who seemed + to be of an obstinate turn of mind. "Now I remember—the + cause was something to do with Diamonds and Henley. Stay, the + bright brains of the nation had disappeared. I recollect, the + Diamond Sculls of the nation (once so great) had passed to + foreigners."</p> + + <p>"Ah, now I take your meaning." said the National + Representative, with a smile, "and you must have heard of the + result of the race for the Diamond Sculls at Henley."</p> + + <p>"That must be it," acquiesced the New-Zealander. "I had + forgotten to take into account possible errors in transmission. + But tell me, has there been a national defeat?"</p> + + <p>"Well, yes," admitted <i>Mr. Punch</i>, with a + sigh—"we did not come out altogether satisfactorily. Even + the second man was a Frenchman—albeit, his name was + suggestive of dear old Scotland."</p> + + <p>"And do you mean to say," said the New-Zealander, "that the + best scullers of England were beaten by a boating-man from the + Seine?"</p> + + <p>"It is too true, and the Frenchman himself succumbed to a + Dutchman—yes, we confess it, and with shame."</p> + + <p>"I don't see why you should," returned the other, changing + his tone to one of greater satisfaction. "As a New-Zealander, I + observe nothing degrading in the superiority of Old Holland." + And considering the prowess of VAN TROMP in the past, there was + perhaps nothing so strange in the triumph of OOMS in the + present.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>"TO PAY OR NOT TO PAY, THAT IS THE BISLEYNESS."</h2> + + <p>MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,—I see that the receipts of the + National Rifle Association have fallen off, and that there is a + proposal to make the Bisley Meeting this year rather more + attractive than its predecessors. The Camp is to be open, and + there are to be Concerts and other distractions. But is this + enough? Once confess that Rifle-shooting is not the sole + business of the gathering, and the way is cleared for more + amusing items. All that is wanted to convert a semi-failure + into a triumphant success, is a Manager who could combine + entertainment with instruction, thus:—</p> + + <p>6 A.M.—Gun-fire. The Camp awakes, and, to the music of + the band, gets up. Reserved seats in band-enclosure, sixpence + extra.</p> + + <p>7 A.M.—Balloon Ascent. Firing at the sun with + revolvers by trained aëronauts. Seats in parachutes, five + shillings a-piece.</p> + + <p>8 A.M.—Early performance of BUFFALO BILL before his + departure for Earl's Court. Prices as usual.</p> + + <p>9 A.M.—Sham Fight, augmented by Menagerie from + Travelling Circus. Cards to visit the stables, + half-a-crown.</p> + + <p>10 A.M.—Representation of Siege Scene from Venice in + London, under the title of "The Bridge of Sighs within + measuring distance of Woking Cemetery." Season tickets, + half-a-guinea.</p> + + <p>11 A.M.—Performance of the Battle of Waterloo by + veterans, late of Astley's Theatre. Families and schools + half-price.</p> + + <p>12 NOON.—Visit of Royalty, and Presentation of Purses. + No Purse accepted containing less than two pounds ten.</p> + + <p>1 P.M.—Grand Luncheon, with speeches by the leading + Military Authorities, followed by a Smoking Concert. + One-and-sixpence.</p> + + <p>2 P.M.—Variety Show, including several of the best + Lion Comiques, and the astounding performances of the Bounding + Brothers of Bohemia. Stalls, ten shillings. Soldiers in uniform + admitted at a considerable reduction.</p> + + <p>3 P.M.—Cricket Match between the famous Clown Eleven + <i>versus</i> the Ladies' Sixteen. Grand Stand, + three-and-six.</p> + + <p>4 P.M.—Comic Carnival, entitled, "Rollicksome + Riflemen, or the Vicissitudes of the Volunteers." Reserved + Seats, ninepence.</p> + + <p>There, my dear Sir, I think I have written enough. If there + was any time to spare, the shooting programme might still be + carried out; but business is business, and only by the means I + have indicated (in my opinion) can Bisley be made to pay. + Trusting that my suggestion may be accepted in the spirit in + which it is offered, I remain,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + DIVIDEND BEFORE DEFENCE.<br /> + <i>The Money Grubberies, the Twenty of + Shillingsworth-in-the-Pound.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" + id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + + <h2>ON THE THRESHOLD OF THEMIS.</h2> + + <center> + (<i>A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the + very next "Cause Célèbre" that may have the good fortune to + enlist the sympathies of the British Public.</i>) + </center> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Corridor outside the Courts + appropriated to the Common Law Division of the High Court + of Justice. At each of the doors of the Court where the + Great Trial of</i> Arkass <i>v.</i> Arkass and + Ambo—<i>which abounds in "scandalous revelations in + High Life"—is proceeding, a group of would-be + auditors has collected, waiting with the patience of + respectable Peris for a chance of admission to the forensic + Paradise within. The Paradise, at present, is full to + overflowing, and the doors are guarded by a couple of + particularly stern and stolid attendants. Each Peri is + trying to wear out the endurance of the rest, and to + propitiate the doorkeepers by exemplary behaviour.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/22.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/22.png" + alt="No—but look <i>here</i>. I <i>know</i> the Criminals." /> + </a>No—but look <i>here</i>. I <i>know</i> the + Criminals. + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Meek Man</i> (<i>to</i> Doorkeeper, <i>after + standing in hopeful silence for three-quarters of an + hour</i>). I suppose there'll be a chance of getting in + presently, eh?</p> + + <p><i>The Doorkeeper</i> (<i>placidly</i>). None whatever, + Sir.</p> + + <p><i>The M.M.</i> But they'll be rising for luncheon in an + hour or so, and some will be coming out then, surely?</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> Not many; them as <i>are</i> in stays in, + mostly.</p> + + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>with a sudden recollection that he + is acquainted with one of the Counsel engaged in the + case</i>). Couldn't you take in my card to Mr. TANFIELD? + I'm sure he'll do anything he could for me.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The rest regard him with extreme disfavour, as one + guilty of unsportsmanlike behaviour.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Doork.</i> It won't be no use—there ain't room + in there as it is for a billiard-cue—leastwise + (<i>conscientiously</i>), a stoutish one—but I'll get + it taken in for you, if you <i>like</i>.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He opens the door a very little, and passes the card + to an attendant within.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Junior Members of the Junior Bar</i> (<i>in very + clean white wigs, with hauteur</i>). Thought you had orders + to let Counsel in before the general public? There + <i>ought</i> to be some rule about that, if there + isn't.</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> So we do, Sir; but if this gentleman's a + friend of Mr. TANFIELD's, and he <i>arsks</i> me to admit + him, why you see—</p> + + <p><i>Junior Junior</i> (<i>witheringly</i>). The + convenience of mere Members of the <i>Bar</i> must give + way, naturally!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The inside Attendant returns with card, which + the</i> Doorkeeper <i>unlocks the door to receive, and then + shuts it to with a sharp click, like a + wild-beast-tamer.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>to the</i> M.M., <i>after perusing + card by the dim light</i>). I <i>told</i> you it wouldn't + be no use, Sir. "Please wait," it says.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>General movement of virtuous satisfaction at this + well-merited rebuke.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>wishing he had not put his trust + in</i> TANFIELD). I—I <i>have</i> waited—but it + don't matter. (<i>Addressing First White Wig, from a timid + social impulse</i>). The—er—Plaintiff made some + remarkable admissions in the box yesterday—his + cross-examination seemed pretty severe.</p> + + <p><i>First White Wig</i> (<i>after a stare at his + audacity</i>). Cross-examination not unfrequently + <i>is</i>. (<i>To the other</i> W.W.) See that + extraordinary decision of old JUBBER's in <i>Biling</i> v. + <i>Bulgin</i>? Of course they'll appeal!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The couple converse in highly technical terms for + some minutes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>at the next pause</i>). It struck me + that Colonel ARKASS rather contradicted himself on one or + two points.</p> + + <p><i>Second W.W.</i> Very likely. (<i>To First</i> W.W.) + What do <i>you</i> do when you're before one of these + confounded Common Law Judges, and see he's looking up a + point of Equity in a text-book during your argument? Do you + wait for him?</p> + + <p><i>First W.W.</i> (<i>with all the decision of a Counsel + who was called the Term before last</i>). Wait for him? + No—go on talking about anything you like, till he's + ready to listen to you again. That's what <i>I</i> always + do!</p> + + <p><i>An Important Stranger</i> (<i>bustling up; to</i> + Doorkeepers). Here, I say, let <i>me</i> in, will you!</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> You a Witness in this case, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>The Imp. S.</i> (<i>after a tell-tale pause</i>). + Er—yes—in a sort of way, y'know.</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> Then <i>your</i> entrance is down below, + Sir, in the Central 'All—you'll see it written up + there.</p> + + <p><i>The I.S.</i> Haw—well, I'm not <i>exactly</i> a + witness, but I'm interested in the case, y'know.</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> So are all these Gentlemen, Sir—but + they can't get in.</p> + + <p><i>The I.S.</i> No—but look <i>here</i>. I + <i>know</i> the criminals—'tleast I don't mean to + call 'em <i>that</i>, y'know—hope they're all + innocent, I'm sure. I like 'em all; <i>danced</i> with 'em, + and all that, lots of times.</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> Ah, well, you see they ain't dancin' + to-day, Sir. (<i>The</i> I.S. <i>bustles away; there is a + stir within; the portion of the crowd in Court that is + visible through the glass-doors heaves convulsively, and + presently produces a stout and struggling Q.C.</i>). Make + way there! Stand aside, gentlemen, please. Counsel coming + out!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Q.C. <i>comes out, puffing, followed by his Clerk and a + Client.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First W.W.</i> (<i>as the chasm in the crowd closes + again</i>). <i>Now</i> you can let us in!</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>stolidly</i>). Not yet, Sir. (<i>To + other</i> Doork.) I see that party agen last + night—<i>you</i> know—him as was here making + all that shindy day afore yesterday. I went and 'ad a drink + with 'im.</p> + + <p><i>Second Doork.</i> (<i>interested</i>). Ah, and 'ow + <i>was</i> he?</p> + + <p><i>First Doork.</i> Oh, same as usual—boozed. Told + me he'd come up from Glasgow for a week's spree—and + he seems to be <i>'aving</i> it, too. Going 'ome Saturday, + so he sez.</p> + + <p><i>Second Doork.</i> (<i>grimly</i>). He'll be lucky if + he gets there Saturday fortnight!</p> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" + id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/23.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/23.png" + alt="IN HIS CLUTCHES." /></a> + + <h3>IN HIS CLUTCHES.</h3>"WHAT A DAY OI'M HAVIN'! BEGORRA, + OI'VE GOT 'EM BOILIN' ON BOTH SOIDES AV THE ATLANTIC AT THE + SAME TOIME!" + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" + id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Murmurs</i> (<i>from the lucky Peris who can just see + the witness-box through the glass panel</i>). Who's that in + the box? That's Colonel ARKASS—finishing his + cross-examination.... Doesn't seem to be enjoying + himself.... See how he's tugging at his moustache.... Got a + nasty one just then, I expect.... I'd as soon believe 'im + as I would 'er—<i>now</i>.... She ain't been in the + <i>box</i> yet.... No, but she's a reg'lar bad lot, from + what was said in the opening speech. They won't change my + opinion of <i>'er</i>, whichever way the case goes! Well, I + 'aven't followed it closely myself.... Oh, no more have + I—but still I've made up <i>my</i> mind long ago + about it, (&c., &c.)</p> + + <p><i>The I.S.</i> (<i>suddenly returning, indignant</i>). + I say, they're letting in all <i>sorts</i> of + people—barristers, and so on—at that + <i>other</i> door!</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> Can't 'elp that, Sir; <i>this</i> ain't + the other door—you should speak to <i>them</i> about + it!</p> + + <p><i>The I.S.</i> (<i>naïvely</i>). Well, I + <i>have</i>—and they told me to come here!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>General snigger, amidst which he departs in + disgust.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Small Office-Boy</i> (<i>with a strip of paper, + tied with red tape</i>). Kin I see Sir HALFRID ALLABYE a + moment?</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> Sir ALFRED ain't in this Court—he's + engaged in another case.</p> + + <p><i>The O.B.</i> 'Is Clurk'll do—it's 'ighly + important—you better lemme <i>in</i>, I tell yer!</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> Send in a message for yer, if that'll do. + (<i>The</i> O.B. <i>says it doesn't signify, and + bolts.</i>) Young Artful! thinks he'll sneak in, and spend + his dinner-hour there—but he <i>don't</i>!</p> + + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>who has been examining his card + under a gaslight</i>). I say, I've just found out that it + wasn't "Please <i>wait</i>" that Mr. TANFIELD wrote on my + card—it's "Please <i>Admit</i>!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A general titter of incredulity.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First W.W.</i> (<i>to Second</i> W.W.). + Ingenious—but a trifle transparent that, eh?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>His friend smiles knowingly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>roused</i>). Do you mean to suggest + that I—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He chokes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>First W.W.</i> Oh, not at all—I was speaking to + my friend here. But you really must allow that, if any + preference is shown at all, it should be + given—equitably, and of right—to Members of the + Bar!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus from the other Peris.</i> Yes, they've stood + here nearly as long as you have. You must wait your turn, + like the rest of us! No preferences <i>'ere</i>! We've got + as much right to go in as you.... If Mr. TANFIELD wants you + admitted over our heads, let him come and let you in + himself! If <i>any</i> one goes in first, it ought to be + Barristers! (&c., &c.)</p> + + <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>impartially</i>). Well, it ain't o' + much consequence, Gentlemen, for I can't let <i>none</i> of + you in at present!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> M.M. <i>simmers with suppressed rage; + wonders if it is worth while to mention that he happens to + be a Barrister himself, and wishes to enter for the serious + and legitimate purpose of collecting material for an Essay + he is contributing on "The Abuse of Cross-Examination" to + the "Nineteenth Century." On reflection, he thinks he had + better not.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>as the crowd in Court is again + convulsed</i>). Clear the way there! Court + rising—Counsel coming out! Ah, this <i>is</i> Mr. + TANFIELD.</p> + + <p><i>The Peris</i> (<i>White Wigs and all</i>). Now we + shall <i>see</i>!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They regard the</i> M.M. <i>with anticipatory + triumph.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Tanfield</i> (<i>passing out, and recognising + the</i> M.M.). Why, my dear MUTTON, won't they let you in? + Here, come along with me!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He passes his arm through the</i> M.M.'s, <i>walks + with him to the other door, murmurs a request for his + admission, and the next moment the</i> M.M. <i>is safe in + the haven of his desire.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The other Peris</i> (<i>looking after him + enviously</i>). Well, of all the brazen impudence!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>They are swept aside by the current of emerging + Counsel, Spectators, &c. and re-assemble, to find the + doors as pitilessly closed against them as ever. The</i> + White Wigs <i>threaten to write to the "Law Times" on the + subject, and are regarded with admiration by the rest as + Champions of Popular Rights.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/24-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-1.png" + alt="OLD TIMES REVIVED." /></a> + + <h3>OLD TIMES REVIVED.</h3><i>Portrait of Candidate making + his Third Speech on same day.</i> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>RACINE, WITH THE CHILL OFF.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/24-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/24-2.png" + alt="On his Hobby." /></a>On his Hobby. + </div> + + <p>Baffled by official prudery in the production of his poetic + episode from Holy Writ, yet resolved that the names of SARAH + and OSCAR shall be bracketted together on the muster-roll of + genius, Mr. WILDE has undertaken to re-write RACINE's + <i>Phèdre</i> for that distinguished actress. In his version + the smoothly-chaste and insipidly-correct verses which our + grandmothers learnt to recite, and our grandfathers pretended + to admire on the lips of the classic RACHEL, will give place to + the school of BAUDELAIRE and VALLES. We have been fortunate in + obtaining an <i>échantillon</i> of this great work.</p> + + <h4>ACTE I., SCENE 3. <i>Phèdre, Oenone.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Phèdre.</i> Je me meurs d'ennuie. Mon éventail, + et vite!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Oenone.</i> Madame, je devine votre mal. Vous + aimez HIPPOLYTE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Phèdre.</i> HIPPOLYTE! Imbécile, ce que j'aime + est le vice,</p> + + <p class="i4">La rime sans raison, l'audace, + l'immondice,</p> + + <p class="i4">L'horrible, l'eccentrique, le + sens-dessus-dessous,</p> + + <p class="i4">La fanfaronnade, la réclame, le sang, et + la boue;</p> + + <p class="i4">La bave fétide des bouches + empoisonnées;</p> + + <p class="i4">L'horreur, le meurtre, et le + "ta-ra-boum-de-ay!"</p> + + <p class="i4">Crois-tu que pour HIPPOLYTE j'ai le + moindre estime?</p> + + <p class="i4">Du tout! C'est mon beau fils, et l'aimer + est un crime,</p> + + <p class="i4">C'est un fat odieux, OENONE. Homme je le + déteste,</p> + + <p class="i4">Mais comme fils de mon mari l'aimer c'est + l'in—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Oenone.</i> Peste!</p> + + <p class="i4">Que veut dire Madame?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Phèdre.</i> L'inconnu + l'inconvenable.<a id="footnotetag2" + name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p> + + <p class="i4">Tu me coupe la parole d'une façon + exécrable—</p> + + <p class="i4">Le vice, OENONE, sais-tu ce que c'est que + le vice?</p> + + <p class="i4">Que la rose n'est pas rose avant qu'elle + pourrisse?</p> + + <p class="i4">Esprit terre-à-terre, âme bornée + d'épicier,</p> + + <p class="i4">Non, tu ne les connais pas, les délices + du fumier.</p> + + <p class="i4">Tu ne sais pas trouver tes étoiles dans + l'égout,</p> + + <p class="i4">Tes ivresses dans la fange, ton amour + dans la boue.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Oenone.</i> Madame radote. C'est Vénus à sa proie + attachée.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Phèdre.</i> Vénus fin de siècle, qui se nomme + Astarté,</p> + + <p class="i4">Diablesse gigantesque, aux boyaux + d'airain,</p> + + <p class="i4">Trou rouge où l'on jette des monceaux + d'êtres humains.</p> + + <p class="i4">Grille de fer où la chair fume, les + cheveux pétillent,</p> + + <p class="i4">Choses claires qui noircissent, sombres + choses qui brillent,</p> + + <p class="i4">Choses qu'on aime le plus pour ce + qu'elles n'existent pas,</p> + + <p class="i4">Choses basses qui s'élèvent, hautes + choses qu'on mettent bas,</p> + + <p class="i4">Paradis de paradoxes—</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This brief sample of Mr. WILDE's muse may be less erudite + than the play tabooed by the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, and may show a + bolder disregard of the stringent laws which govern French + versification; but it is assuredly in harmony with the spirit + of the age, and goes far to bring RACINE up to date.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote2" + name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a> + + <p>The fact that this word is not to be found in the + dictionary must be set down as the fault of the language + rather than of the poet. If "convenable," why not + "inconvenable"?</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume +103, July 16, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14846-h.htm or 14846-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/4/14846/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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