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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103,
+July 16, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103, July 16, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14846]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+July 16, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+TO THE FIRST BATHING-MACHINE.
+
+(_AFTER WORDSWORTH._)
+
+  O blank new-comer! I have seen,
+    I see thee with a start:
+  So gentle looking a Machine,
+    Infernal one thou art!
+
+  When first the sun feels rather hot,
+    Or even rather warm,
+  From some dim, hibernating spot
+    Rolls forth thy clumsy form.
+
+  Perhaps thou babblest to the sea
+    Of sunshine and of flowers;
+  Thou bringest but a thought to me
+    Of such bad quarter hours.
+
+  I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,
+    Thy very narrow bench,
+  Thou, bounding on in wild career,
+    All shake, and jolt, and wrench.
+
+  Till comes an unexpected stop;
+    My forehead hits the door,
+  And I, with cataclysmic flop,
+    Lie on thy sandy floor.
+
+  Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,
+    I, blushing, venture out;
+  And find the sea is still a mile
+    Away, or thereabout.
+
+  Blithe little children on the sand
+    Laugh out with childish glee;
+  Their nurses, sitting near at hand,
+    All giggling, stare at me.
+
+  Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again
+    Within thy tranquil shade,
+  And wait until the rising main
+    Shall banish child and maid.
+
+  Thy doors I dare not open now,
+    Thy windows give no view;
+  'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow:
+    I dress myself anew.
+
+  Set wide the door. All round is sea!
+    "Hold tight, Sir!" voices call,
+  And in the water, jerked from thee,
+    I tumble, clothes and all!
+
+  O blessed thing! this earth we pace
+    Thy haunt should never be,
+  A quite unmentionable place
+    That is fit home for thee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+_Brilliant Elector_ (_at the Polling Station_). "IT'S A STOUTISH
+KOIND OF A MAN, WITH A BALD 'EAD, AS AR WISHES TO VOTE FOR, BUT AR 'M
+BLESSED IF AR KNOW 'IS NAÄME!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.
+
+NO. III.
+
+It is with the greatest possible pleasure that _Mr. Punch_ presents
+to his readers the following example of the New Poetry. It is taken
+from a collection entitled "_Rhymes of the Ropes_" These Rhymes are
+intended to illustrate the everyday life of the British prize-fighter,
+his simple joys, his manly sorrows, his conversational excellences,
+and his indomitable pluck. The author has never been a prize-fighter
+himself, but he claims for these Rhymes the merit of absolute truth
+in every detail. In any case it is quite certain that every critic
+who reviews the volume will say of it, that no previous book has
+ever presented to us, with such complete fidelity, the British
+prize-fighter as he lives and moves, and has his being--not the gaudy,
+over-dressed and over-jewelled creature whom the imagination of the
+public pictures as haunting the giddy palaces of pleasure, and adored
+by the fairest of the fair, but the rough, uncouth, simple creature
+to whom we Britons owe our reputation for pluck and stamina. How the
+critic knows this, never having been a prize-fighter himself, and
+never having associated with them, is a question which it might be
+difficult to answer. But, nevertheless, the critic will guarantee the
+"_Rhymes of the Ropes_."
+
+If some of _Mr. Punch's_ readers, while recognising the force and go
+of the lines, shall think them _tant soit peu_ coarse and brutal, the
+fault must not be ascribed to _Mr. Punch_, but to the brilliant young
+author. Moreover, _Mr. Punch_ begs leave to say, that squeamishness
+of that kind is becoming more and more absurd every day under the
+influence of the New Poetry and its professors. Here then is--
+
+KNOCKED OUT.
+
+BY MR. R*D**RD K*PL*NG.
+
+  Oh it's bully when I land 'em with a counter on the jaw,
+  When the ruby's all a drippin' and the conks are red and raw;
+  And it's bully when I've downed 'em, and the lords are standin'
+          booze,
+  Them lords with shiny shirt-fronts, and their patent-leather shoes.
+        But you'd best look jolly meek
+        When you're up afore the beak,
+  For they hustle you, and bustle you, and treat you like a dog.
+        And its 'Olloway for you
+        For a month or may be two,
+  Where the Widow keeps a mansion and purvides you with your prog.
+
+  It was 'ero 'ere and 'ero there, I might 'ave been a King,
+  For to 'ear 'em 'ip 'urraying as I stepped into the ring,
+  When I faced the Tipton Slasher, me and 'im in four-ounce gloves,
+  Just to make us look as 'armless as a pair o' bloomin' doves.
+        Then I bruises 'im and batters,
+        And 'e cuts my lips to tatters,
+  And I gives 'im 'alf a dozen where 'is peepers ought to be.
+        And 'e flattens out my nose
+        With a brace of bally blows,
+  Which I 'ardly 'ad expected from a pug as couldn't see.
+
+  Next round the Slasher's groggy, 'e 'angs 'is 'ands and gropes
+  (I'd knocked him orf 'is legs at last) a-feelin' for the ropes.
+  And, lor, 'e looked so cheerful with 'is face a mask of red
+  That I bust myself with laughin' when I bashed 'im on the 'ead.
+        Then they counted up to ten,
+        But 'e couldn't rise again;
+  'E gasped a bit, and puffed a bit, and laid there in a 'eap.
+        And I copped a thousand pounds
+        For a fight of seven rounds,
+  Which was all the time it took me for to put my man to sleep.
+
+  Ah, the soft uns call it brutal; there's Mr. H.P. COBB,
+  And 'is talk, which isn't pretty, about ruffians (meanin' us).
+  I'd like to tap _'is_ claret when 'e's up and on the job,
+  And send 'im 'ome a 'owlin' to 'is mammy or 'is nuss.
+        But I'd rather take the chuck
+        For a show of British pluck,
+  And do my month in chockee, and eat my skilly free;
+        And I'll leave the curs to snivel
+        With their 'Ouse o' Commons drivel,
+  Which may suit a pack of jaw-pots, but, by gosh, it don't suit me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What I suffer from, at this time of year, when I go into the
+country," says Mrs. R., "is 'Flybites.'" She pronounced it as a word
+of three syllables, and then added, "I rather think the learned way of
+spelling it is 'Phlybites.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORIOLANUS.
+
+  "I WOULD HE HAD CONTINU'D TO HIS COUNTRY
+  AS HE BEGAN, AND NOT UNKNIT, HIMSELF,
+  THE NOBLE KNOT HE MADE."--_Coriolanus_, Act. IV., Scene 2.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENGENIOUS IDEA.
+
+_Early Visitor._ "WHY, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MATHILDE,--TURNING
+YOUR BOUDOIR INTO A POULTRY YARD?"
+
+_Mathilde._ "WELL, MY DEAR, AS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RELY ON GETTING
+NEW-LAID EGGS IN TOWN, I HAVE HAD MY PET COCHIN-CHINA UP FROM THE
+COUNTRY, AND SHE IS THOROUGHLY TO BE TRUSTED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CORIOLANUS.
+
+  "I would he had continu'd to his country
+  As he began, and not unknit, himself,
+  The noble knot he made."
+
+_Coriolanus_, Act IV., Scene 2.
+
+"His Majesty discriminates between the Prince BISMARCK of former
+times, and of to-day, and is anxious that his Government should avoid
+everything which might tend to diminish, in the eyes of the German
+nation, the familiar figure of its greatest Statesman."--_Instructions
+to Imperial German Representatives abroad:_--
+
+  Can this be he who "At the Gates"[1]
+    Of Janus' Temple stood of old,
+    Protective, vigilant, and bold,
+  As one who calmly dares--and waits?
+
+  "_So fancy limns him, who'll not cease
+    To watch o'er what his brain upbuilt_,"
+    _Punch_ sang. And now he lifts the hilt,
+  Warlike, against a Patriot Peace.
+
+  Calm warder then, challenger now.
+    The tower he reared would he attack,
+    Because--they have not called him back
+  Like CINCINNATUS from the plough?
+
+  "The wounds that he doth bear for Rome,"
+    Should speak wide-lipped against the change.
+    The new _Coriolanus_! Strange,
+  So great a past to _this_ should come!
+
+  The imperious Roman, banished, bared
+    Against Rome's walls a traitor blade.
+    But _you_--revenge is scarce your trade,
+  Hero, in faction's mazes snared.
+
+  The shirt of Nessus poisoned not,
+    Nor angered Hercules as you
+    Seem angered, poisoned. Yet you knew
+  On ARNIM's shield to bare the blot.
+
+  What should it say, Count HARRY's ghost,
+    Could it beside your couch appear,
+    And whisper in his foeman's ear?
+  Share you not that which shamed him most?
+
+  _You_ flaunt the Press against the Throne?
+    _You_ bare State secrets to the crowd?
+    You who against the Mob were loud,
+  With mockery MARCIUS well might own?
+
+  It doth not fit a splendid past.
+    The Sentinel in arms arrayed
+    Against the Citadel, a shade
+  Of gloom o'er glory's sheen will cast.
+
+  The illustrious name of BISMARCK blot
+    With no such treason as could dim
+    The Roman's glory, nor, like him.
+  Yourself unknit _your_ "noble knot"!
+
+[Footnote 1: _See_ Cartoon "At the Gates," p. 151, vol. 85, year
+1883.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THAT DUTCHMAN OOMS.
+
+AIR--"_THE ADMIRAL'S BROOM_."
+
+    [J.J.K. OOMS, an amateur sculler from Amsterdam, won easily
+    the "Diamond Sculls" at Henley this year, beating V. NICKALS,
+    and others of our crack oars.]
+
+  Oh, OOMS was a champion brave and bold,
+    The Dutchman's pride was he;
+  And he cried, "I can row on the Thames, I know,
+    As well as the Zuyder Zee,
+            As well as the Zuyder Zee!"
+  And as his boat he set afloat,
+    And looked o'er the Henley tide,
+  He saw all England taking note,
+    And he trimmed his sculls and cried:--(_Bis._)
+      "I'll win those 'Sculls!'" said he,
+      "The 'Diamond Sculls' for me!
+  That the world may know, wherever I go
+  Thames yields to the Zuyder Zee!" (_Bis._)
+
+  Cried JOHN BULL, "Here! You Dutchman queer.
+    To-day you must row with me;
+  For while I ride Thames' silver tide,
+    I'll be second to none," said he;
+        "I'll be second to none," said he.
+  So they blazed away at that Dutchman gay,
+    Stout NICKALS, brave BOYD, and all--
+  _But_ the Dutchman's ship our best did whip,
+    And BULL cried to his merry men all, (_bis_)
+      "We're whipped, boys, for once," said he,
+      "It's a whip that's a licker to me."
+  Right well OOMS pulls, and the 'Diamond Sculls'
+      Are gone to the Zuyder Zee!
+      VAN TROMP with his broom made free,
+      But this OOMS has "swept" Hen-ley.
+  Here's his health! But oh! those Sculls, you know,
+    Must come back from the Zuyder Zee."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME COMFORT.--Harrow beat Eton at Lords' last week. The Etonians have
+some consolation in the fact of the Head-Master of Harrow being an
+Etonian. Without doing violence to their feelings, they can simply
+pronounce the Head-Master's name, and say, "_Well done, Harrow!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW READING OF AN OLD GREEK PROVERB (_by a disappointed Author, whose
+Work has been recently cut up in the Press_).--"[Greek: Krêtai aei
+Pseustai]." _I.e._, "Critics are always liars."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
+
+_Gladstonian Dentist_ (_to Tory Patient_). "I HAVE THE MOST PROFOUND
+ADMIRATION--MOUTH A LITTLE MORE OPEN, THANKS--FOR THAT GREAT MAN,
+GLADSTONE,--AND IT WAS ONLY LAST WEEK--&c. &c. &c."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE FLY-LEAF OF AN OLD BOOK.
+
+  It's long been loose; at last it's quite
+  Come out--the very thing to write
+  My laundry list on. Think what might
+            Have been upon it!
+  Some lines by GOLDSMITH, neatly planned,
+  A verse by BYRON, mighty grand,
+  Or even, penned by SHAKSPEARE's hand,
+            A song or sonnet;
+
+  DA VINCI might have made a sketch,
+  Or REMBRANDT drawn a head to etch,
+  Or TURNER dashed some tints--'twould fetch
+            A thousand guineas.
+  Here might have been some notes, compiled
+  By IBSEN, MAETERLINCK, or WILDE,
+  On how some writers have beguiled
+            Some simple ninnies;
+
+  Some words on Cooks, by RANDOLPH C.,
+  Or Greek Home Rule, by Grand Old G.,
+  Some Irish notes by A.J.B.,
+            A cheque from DILLON.
+  How useless now to think what might
+  Have been, for I have blacked the white!
+  It is not even fit to write
+            A washing-bill on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHURCH AND BOOTH.--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was recently a guest
+at the Munching House on the occasion of an Undenominational Banquet.
+His Grace, in a post-prandial speech, observed that the Salvation
+Army came "fluting" among us, but he thought that the Army's success
+would be as "fleeting" as it was "fluting." Neat this for his
+Grace-after-dinner. This was a nice after-dinner way of giving
+"_caviare_ to the General." No "laughter" appears to have followed,
+so the _caviare_ was not generally taken.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY NOTE AND QUERY.--First volume of _Tacitus_ translated into
+English by A.W. QUILL. Judging from a review in the _Times_ of this
+instalment, it is the work of neither a soft nor hard Quill, but
+a medium Quill. With such a suggestive name, this author will show
+himself a Goose Quill if he does not at once turn his attention to
+the History of PENN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+[Illustration: (Lady Gay.)]
+
+_The Bobolink, Henley._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+The Election at Sheepsdoor being regarded as a "moral" for our
+Candidate--(what a delightful change from the _im-moral_ way in which
+elections _used_ to be conducted!)--I felt it was safe for me to
+wing my flight to fresh scenes and pastures new!--not that I wanted
+any "new pastures," having been a _grass_-widow for some time;--but
+having had enough of the "rolling billow"--(by the way, the rolling
+"_Billow_" at Stockbridge didn't roll fast enough)--I yearned for the
+silvery smoothness of Father Thames, so started for Henley with my
+faithful _Eulalie_--(I really must change her name, it sounds like
+a Swiss jödel); but, oh! my goodness!--talk about _billows_--the
+Channel passage is a fool to what we found at Henley! Waves mountain
+high!--(This of course is an exaggeration, but I've read it so often
+in sea-novels, that I've almost come to believe it possible--it would
+be nearer the truth, as dear Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM would pronounce it, I
+fancy--waves "mounting high.") I had to sit all day on the roof of the
+_Bobolink_, with a lifebelt or _something_ round my waist!--and having
+made me acquaintance of a sweet youth who could swim, I implored him
+not to leave me!--and he didn't--the whole day long. Ah! he was _very_
+nice!--I need not tell you I didn't notice the racing _much_, but I
+did take an interest in _two_ of the contests; viz.--(I don't know
+what "viz." means--but I _do_ know I am using it correctly)--The
+Diamond Sculls, and The Ladies' Challenge. The Diamonds were
+walked off, or rowed off to Holland--(great place, I'm told, for
+diamonds)--by Mr. K. OOMS (who evidently "kooms" of an athletic
+stock), amid the generous cheers of our defeated Englishmen! The
+other--and naturally, from its title, the most important event--was
+competed for by two boat-loads from Cambridge University--_Crews_,
+I believe, they call them, but I always thought it was a sign of
+contempt to allude to any party of people as "a crew." However
+that may be, I was informed that "First Trinity had carried off the
+Ladies!" (just as if they were a pack of Sabine women), and I suppose
+it was true; though, in counting up the Ladies in sight, I only missed
+_one_--and she, I found, had fallen into the river, and been gallantly
+rescued by a spectator, who, I presume, was determined to have _his_
+share, in spite of the First Trinity Men!
+
+Back to town, after all was over on Thursday, to find everybody
+wild with "election fever." A large group surrounding the "tape" at
+the Club (I belong to the "Amazon," of course), and ordering lemon
+squashes when a seat was lost, and whiskey and seltzer when the
+reverse was the case! Oh, this Election! Thank goodness, I'm off to
+Newmarket, to spend the week with Sir NEWMAN and Lady GATESHEAD, with
+a distinct feeling of relief at getting back to business after this
+fortnight of exciting relaxation!
+
+Next week's racing furnishes quite a lengthy _menu_, with several
+attractive _entrées_, and some good "made-up-overnight" dishes; in
+fact, a programme which appeals strongly to every racy palate. I do
+not propose to work my way through the entire _menu_ (not being an
+Alderman), and will only hint at a few of the side-dishes, which
+may be worth attention reserving my great effort for the "_plat de
+résistance_" at Sandown; so, at Newmarket--try just a mouthful of July
+Handicap _à la_ Duke of DEVONSHIRE's "Selected;" should it choke you,
+have a pat on the "Bach" when attacking the Beaufort _Stakes_; and to
+wind up with dessert, worthy of a CHESTERFIELD, take a "Meddler." If
+this conglomeration of good things is not too much for you, travel
+back to town in time for the great race of the week; but, _if_ upset,
+don't blame,
+
+Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.
+
+"ECLIPSE STAKES SELECTION."
+
+  With _Gouverneur_, _Orme_, and such giants to run,
+    It needs the cool calm of a PLATO
+  To fix on the horse that will "capture the bun!"
+    But I think it will be "_Orvieto_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+[Illustration: Fancy Sketch for a Brazen Statue of a Composer notable
+for his "Horns and Brass."]
+
+_Tuesday._--_Première_ of _Elaine_. BEMBERG Composer, LÉON-JEHIN
+Conductor, and Sir DRURIOLANUS Producer. Full House, determined to
+give New Opera a fair hearing, and sit it out. Don't get a new Opera
+every day. Congratulations to BEMBERG in a general way. "In a first
+Opera" (if this be his first), to quote the Composer of the recent
+De-La-ra-Boom Buddha, who was complacently listening to the other
+Composer's new Opera, "originality breeds contempt." So a little
+bit here, and a little bit there, here a bit, and there a bit, and
+everywhere a bit, gets rid of all superfluity in the Composer's
+brain, and saves the listening critic much trouble. Then his next
+Opera--Ah!--_that_ ought to be all genuinely new and original
+Sparkling BEMBERG Cabinet. "_Elaine_," observed a lady critic,
+"is graceful and airy"--which, in the lady's presence, the present
+listener was not prepared to deny.
+
+Contented must have been Composer BEMBERG with such a cast as was made
+and provided for him by Sir DRURIOLANUS. MELBA, as the "Lily Maid of
+Astolat," charming, with a charming song, "_L'Amour est pur_." The
+audience was in an encoring humour, but, thank goodness, only a few
+encores were taken, and the others left, otherwise none of us would
+have been home till sunrise. In the swan-like dying scene the Composer
+wrings our heart-strings with his harp-strings, reminding everyone
+forcibly that, as _Mr. Guppy_ observed, "There _are_ chords!"
+Wagnerian, sometimes, is our BEMBERG, with his horns and brass. Fine
+chorus at beginning of Act II.--the Tournament Act--which shows, as
+a foolish person observed, "a Rummy lot at Camelot." At end of Third
+Act MELBA and JEAN DE RESZKÉ (who must have joined the Salvation
+Army, as he was, apparently, "saving himself" all the evening) were
+enthusiastically called. Engaged in curtseying her thanks, MELBA
+didn't notice--as, how should she?--property steps behind her, on
+which, at about her tenth curtsey, she suddenly sat down about two
+seconds before she could possibly realise that there was any chance of
+sitting down. But JEAN LAUNCELOT DE RESZKÉ was there, and rescued her!
+Good Knight! JEAN DE RESCUE! Then EDWARD, as _Hermit_, own brother to
+_Friar Laurence_, excellent. But so were they all, and the Opera will
+well repay several re-hearings.
+
+_Thursday._--_Aïda_. Generally considered rather a heavy Opera by
+VERDI. "But to-night," says WAGSTAFF, "the Verdi-ict quite t'other
+way." MAUREL excellent as _Amonasro_, and MAGGIE MACINTYRE looked,
+acted, and sang Maggie-nificently. Uncommonly good was GIULIA RAVOGLI
+as _Amneris_, _Aïda's_ rival for the love of the small-sized _Radamès
+Dimitresco_, or Dimi-nutive-Tresco (comparatively speaking), to whom
+EDWARD DE RESZKÉ, being quite _a Ned_ and shoulders taller, might
+spare some of his superfluous inches.
+
+EDWARD uncommonly good as _Ramfis_, which name, considering the
+peculiar make-up, might be appropriately changed to _Rum Phiz_, and
+nobody be any the worse. BEVIGNANI conducted himself and the orchestra
+admirably; M. PLANÇON, in English Plain Song, did all well that as _Il
+Re_ he had to do, looking every inch a _Re_, and not a bit _Il_. Mlle.
+BAUERMEISTER was _Una Sacerdotissa_, but she would be anything and
+do everything well. Signer RINALDINI was _Un Messagiero_. His costume
+might have been more effective had Sir AUGUSTUS brought him up to
+date as a Messenger Boy for the Telephonie-sol-fa Company. This can be
+amended. House good.
+
+_Friday_.--Covent Garden, _Elaine_ expected, but didn't appear. JOHN
+THE RISKY, the _Launcelot_ of the Opera, unwell. "Not _Launcelot_,
+but another!" cried Sir DRURIOLANUS, only there wasn't another. So
+_Carmen_ was played. "Not this _Elaine_," continued Sir AUGUSTUS, "but
+Drur-e-lane." So away! to hear the Trumpeter of the German Band. This
+_Trompeter_ might be played as a trump in a small house, but 'tis
+trumpery for Drury Lane. One phrase of an old music-hall ditty, the
+words of which were, "She walked forward, _I_ followed on, tra la
+la!" constantly recur. Who originated it? Unwonted excitement of
+going to two Operas told on shattered frame, so staggered to Maiden
+Lane, which, on account of its being the home for oysters, crabs,
+and lobsters, should be renamed Mer-maiden Lane. Behold! good Dr.
+BAYLIS "within the Rules" making up his evening prescriptions.
+"_Quis supperabit?_" asked the learned Dr. B. "_Ego_," replied I,
+like JEAMES, knowing the language. And "supper-a-bit" it was. "'84
+_wachterum unum pintum frigidum sumendum cum_ '92 _chickeno_," &c. "My
+benizon on thee!" said CRITICUS REDIVIVUS. "Dr. BAYLIS, I bay-_liss_
+thee!" with the accent on the "_liss_." So home. After all the chops
+and changes of this operatic life, I am with "chicken and champagne"
+content. _Finis coronat opus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ALCOHOLIC QUESTION.
+
+(_A FEW REMARKS ON DR. ROBSON ROOSE'S ARTICLE IN NEW REVIEW._)
+
+[Illustration: "'Neat' Handed Phyllis."
+
+"A contribution to the Alcohol Question."]
+
+1. Inebriates should be shut up in Alcoholloway Prison.
+
+2. "_Food-accessory_" is a very pretty name for drink. Henceforth let
+the butler go round as "the merry toast goes round." Let butlers and
+footmen, in dining-rooms and places where they have various liquors,
+be instructed to inquire of each and every guest "What food-accessory
+will you take, Sir?"
+
+3. "_The use of Alcohol dates from very early times._" But it is not
+recommended by the faculty as a good thing to be taken at 7 A.M., or
+at any time in the morning immediately on awaking.
+
+As to when any one has had enough "alcohol," the old test first
+put forward many years ago by _Mr. Punch_, still holds good. If
+you can say "British Constitution" distinctly, and without effort,
+so that it shall not be all in one composite word sounding like
+"Bri'sh-conshushun," then, perhaps, you may go up-stairs (if you can)
+and join the ladies.
+
+4. "_The liver is very prone to become affected._" The question is,
+first, Is "an evil liver" or "a good liver" here intended? But, apart
+from this, any affectation in a liver, good or bad, is objectionable.
+It must be taken for granted, in a serious discussion on the subject,
+that "a slave to his liver" is a synonym for "a livery servant." The
+one objection to a livery servant lies in this very fact; for a slave
+to liver is rarely in a good humour, and is generally sulky, lazy, and
+disobliging.
+
+5. "_Wine comes in, rubs off the acerbities, and brings all down to
+the same level of good humour._" The end of such a happy party is, of
+course, all under the table, smiling, but speechless.
+
+  Smiling, but beautiful they lay,
+  A gleam was in their half-closed eye,
+  But still they murmured with a sigh,
+            Hic-shelsher-wa'.
+
+Dr. ROBERTS, as quoted by his _confrère_, ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA,
+appears to be a very sensible person. Dr. ROBERTS--he is not Dr.
+ARTHUR ROBERTS, we believe--recommends the liqueur to be judiciously
+taken at meal-times. And, by the way, as the knowledge of when to
+cry, "Hold, enough!" is most useful, here is another test of sobriety
+in this very word "judicious," which some, after a couple of glasses
+(or more) of fine old cognac, will pronounce as though 'twere spelt
+"seducious," and some will swear it ought to be "jusidious." When
+nobody can pronounce "judicious" correctly, the _arbiter bibendi_,
+if himself absolutely sober as a judge ought to be,--a man quite
+"above-board," i.e., not yet under it,--such a one may pronounce that
+the guests have had quite enough. It is a pity that so excellent
+a writer on temperance should have the singular disadvantage of a
+plural name. If, after dinner, a worthy convivialist observed, "I see
+ROBERTS," would not the question naturally be, "How many of 'em?"
+The Doctor can omit the "s," and, as perhaps he is already a little
+singular in his carefully-advanced theories, why should he not
+de-pluralise his surname? Do the Doctors R.R. and R. differ on this?
+Then we must decide. In the meantime, to show our approval of this
+particular article of Dr. ROBSON ROOSTEM PASHA's faith, we, as a
+jovial company, drink his health, and then depart for our annual
+Alcoholiday trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAWN TENNIS INTELLIGENCE.--BADDELAY has taken the cake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.
+
+(_Lady Festus At Home_--2 A.M.)
+
+_Hostess._ "ONLY JUST COME, SIR GEORGE? HOW GOOD OF YOU TO COME SO
+LATE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUT OF IT!
+
+(_THE LAY OF THE NON-ELECTED._)
+
+  Then a warm-faced functionary read the "Declaration"--when
+  A sort of sinking sickness took SMITH in the abdomen;
+  And he smiled a sickly sort of smile, and stalked out at the door,
+  And the subsequent proceedings interested _him_ no more!
+
+          _Bret Harte adapted._
+
+  Pheugh! His poll was taken early (it was _not_ on Saturday),
+  And he lost by seven hundred, and is out of the fierce fray;
+  And whether he rejoices, or internally repines,
+  May be clear to the wiseacres who can "read between the lines."
+
+  It was hot, too, while it lasted, and of epidemic ills
+  The Election Fever "takes the cake." 'Tis true it seldom kills,
+  But for far and wide contagion, and for agony acute,
+  Its supremacy is certain as its sway is absolute.
+
+  And he had it very badly. He looks convalescent now,
+  But the frenzy of the meeting brought the crimson to his brow,
+  And his thorax is still husky with his eloquent appeal
+  To the mustered working-men at the hour of mid-day meal.
+
+  How they swarmed about his waggon! How their oily fustian filled
+  The summer air with fragrance that his fine olfactories thrilled!
+  How very loud their shouts were, and how very rude their jeers,
+  And how very strong the _bouquet_ of clay pipes and bitter beers!
+
+  His arguments amused them, and his peroration fine,
+  About "standing for old England stoutly all along the line,"
+  Would have surely proved impressive, but for some sardonic ass,
+  Who produced an anti-climax with the shouted comment "Gas!"
+
+  Then the mob broke up in laughter, to return to pipe and can,
+  And--plumped for his opponent pretty nearly to a man;
+  For of all ungrateful cynics, and of all impervious clowns,
+  Commend me (says our wanderer), to the workmen of our towns.
+
+  Well, _experientia docet_. That confounded "local Club"
+  (Blend of Institute and Chapel with a savour of the pub.)
+  Where the pallid-faced cheesemongers, and the clammy-handed snobs,
+  Swarmed around to "patronise" him, was the toughest of tough jobs.
+
+  Its rooms were wondrous stuffy and its members scarce "good form,"
+  For they mostly dropped their aitches, and they always looked _so_
+          warm.
+  Why political enthusiasts so run to noise and heat,
+  And crude manners, and bad grammar, is a _crux_ that's hard to beat.
+
+  But he bore it,--yes, he bore it; he shook heaps of 'orny 'ands,
+  Heard the shindy of their shoutings, and the braying of their bands;
+  Stood their "heckling," which was trying, and their praises, which
+          were worse,
+  All the claims upon his time, and taste, his patience, and his
+          purse.
+
+  Then they "chucked" him by three figures! Well, he's "out of it,"
+          thanks be!
+  And he "offs it by the Special" to the river or the sea.
+  He heard the "Declaration," _and_ the rival Party's roar,
+  And--"the subsequent proceedings interested him no more."
+
+  "'_Latest Results! Helections!!_' Oh, confound the boy! Get out!
+  Let the winners sum their winnings, let their blatant backers shout.
+  What have I to do with pollings? Cease, cacophonous urchin, cease!
+  I am going to read _The Wrecker_, and possess my soul in peace!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"D.G." and MRS. R.--_Mr. Punch_ begs to congratulate the _Daily
+Graphic_ on the electioneering ladder showing every day the position
+of the Parties. Very "Happy Thought." His ancient friend, Mrs. RAM,
+in speaking of this journal, observed, that "_Daily Graphic_ was not
+by any means a new name, and the paper ought to have been purely
+theatrical, as the person after whom it is evidently called was the
+celebrated actor, you know, my dear, in the last century, whom Dr.
+JOHNSON used to call 'Little Daily Graphic.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUT OF IT!
+
+(_"And the subsequent Proceedings interested him no more._")
+
+NEWSPAPER-BOY. "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR! LATEST RESULTS O' THE POLL, SIR!"
+
+REJECTED CANDIDATE (_growls_). "OH! GO TO THE DEUCE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.
+
+_Lady Godiva._ "NOW PROMISE ME, YOU DEAR GOOD MAN, PROMISE ME YOU'LL
+VOTE FOR LORD JAMES, AND I'LL--_I'LL DIV YOU A TISS!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF HENLEY.
+
+(_FRAGMENT FROM A HISTORICAL SKETCH YET TO BE WRITTEN._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was shortly after the middle of July, 1892, that the Great
+Representative of the British Race stood upon the Victoria Embankment,
+watching the river-steamers as they passed to and fro. There were few
+persons about, for the General Election was over, and civilised London
+was out of Town. Some of civilised London had gone abroad, some were
+in Scotland, some by the Sea. So the Great Representative expected to
+see no one.
+
+"_Mr. Punch_, I believe!" said some one, approaching the Great
+Representative. The speaker was a person who wore a garb peculiarly
+suitable to the autumnal sultriness of the weather. He had about a
+couple of yards of calico, and one good coating of serviceable paint.
+The Great Representative bowed his head, and by a gesture, invited
+further explanation.
+
+"I am connected with the literary world, and am a Colonist. I am
+known, or used to be known (for I am getting a trifle out of date), as
+Lord MACAULAY's New-Zealander."
+
+Again the Great Representative bowed. He knew his visitor, and bade
+him welcome. Then he asked him the cause of his visit.
+
+"Well, I really don't know," replied the New-Zealander, with a short
+laugh. "I am afraid I must have been hoaxed. I was told that England
+was absolutely ruined, and was looking for a comfortable seat amongst
+the remains of London Bridge."
+
+"You see you are slightly premature," returned the Great
+Representative, pointing towards a more or less majestic pile in the
+offing. "There was some talk of rebuilding the structure some short
+while ago, but a viaduct near the Tower was considered preferable.
+When it is opened, there will be Knighthoods for the Sheriffs, and a
+Baronetcy for the Lord MAYOR."
+
+"And yet," pondered the New-Zealander, "I was certainly informed by
+wire, that the glory of Britain had vanished for ever."
+
+"Very likely an Election cry," observed _Mr. Punch_, "In the midst of
+a contested polling, both sides think the success of their rivals must
+be followed by immediate disaster. But somehow or other, things settle
+down afterwards, and nothing comes of it. Whichever side wins, the old
+flag floats in the wind as gaily and as prosperously as ever."
+
+"And yet I was certainly told that the sun of England had set never
+to rise again," persisted the Aboriginal, who seemed to be of an
+obstinate turn of mind. "Now I remember--the cause was something to
+do with Diamonds and Henley. Stay, the bright brains of the nation had
+disappeared. I recollect, the Diamond Sculls of the nation (once so
+great) had passed to foreigners."
+
+"Ah, now I take your meaning." said the National Representative, with
+a smile, "and you must have heard of the result of the race for the
+Diamond Sculls at Henley."
+
+"That must be it," acquiesced the New-Zealander. "I had forgotten to
+take into account possible errors in transmission. But tell me, has
+there been a national defeat?"
+
+"Well, yes," admitted _Mr. Punch_, with a sigh--"we did not
+come out altogether satisfactorily. Even the second man was a
+Frenchman--albeit, his name was suggestive of dear old Scotland."
+
+"And do you mean to say," said the New-Zealander, "that the best
+scullers of England were beaten by a boating-man from the Seine?"
+
+"It is too true, and the Frenchman himself succumbed to a
+Dutchman--yes, we confess it, and with shame."
+
+"I don't see why you should," returned the other, changing his tone
+to one of greater satisfaction. "As a New-Zealander, I observe nothing
+degrading in the superiority of Old Holland." And considering the
+prowess of VAN TROMP in the past, there was perhaps nothing so strange
+in the triumph of OOMS in the present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO PAY OR NOT TO PAY, THAT IS THE BISLEYNESS."
+
+MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that the receipts of the National Rifle
+Association have fallen off, and that there is a proposal to make the
+Bisley Meeting this year rather more attractive than its predecessors.
+The Camp is to be open, and there are to be Concerts and other
+distractions. But is this enough? Once confess that Rifle-shooting
+is not the sole business of the gathering, and the way is cleared for
+more amusing items. All that is wanted to convert a semi-failure into
+a triumphant success, is a Manager who could combine entertainment
+with instruction, thus:--
+
+6 A.M.--Gun-fire. The Camp awakes, and, to the music of the band, gets
+up. Reserved seats in band-enclosure, sixpence extra.
+
+7 A.M.--Balloon Ascent. Firing at the sun with revolvers by trained
+aëronauts. Seats in parachutes, five shillings a-piece.
+
+8 A.M.--Early performance of BUFFALO BILL before his departure for
+Earl's Court. Prices as usual.
+
+9 A.M.--Sham Fight, augmented by Menagerie from Travelling Circus.
+Cards to visit the stables, half-a-crown.
+
+10 A.M.--Representation of Siege Scene from Venice in London, under
+the title of "The Bridge of Sighs within measuring distance of Woking
+Cemetery." Season tickets, half-a-guinea.
+
+11 A.M.--Performance of the Battle of Waterloo by veterans, late of
+Astley's Theatre. Families and schools half-price.
+
+12 NOON.--Visit of Royalty, and Presentation of Purses. No Purse
+accepted containing less than two pounds ten.
+
+1 P.M.--Grand Luncheon, with speeches by the leading Military
+Authorities, followed by a Smoking Concert. One-and-sixpence.
+
+2 P.M.--Variety Show, including several of the best Lion Comiques,
+and the astounding performances of the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia.
+Stalls, ten shillings. Soldiers in uniform admitted at a considerable
+reduction.
+
+3 P.M.--Cricket Match between the famous Clown Eleven _versus_ the
+Ladies' Sixteen. Grand Stand, three-and-six.
+
+4 P.M.--Comic Carnival, entitled, "Rollicksome Riflemen, or the
+Vicissitudes of the Volunteers." Reserved Seats, ninepence.
+
+There, my dear Sir, I think I have written enough. If there was any
+time to spare, the shooting programme might still be carried out; but
+business is business, and only by the means I have indicated (in my
+opinion) can Bisley be made to pay. Trusting that my suggestion may be
+accepted in the spirit in which it is offered, I remain,
+
+Yours truly, DIVIDEND BEFORE DEFENCE. _The Money Grubberies, the
+Twenty of Shillingsworth-in-the-Pound._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE THRESHOLD OF THEMIS.
+
+(_A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the very
+next "Cause Célèbre" that may have the good fortune to enlist the
+sympathies of the British Public._)
+
+    SCENE--_A Corridor outside the Courts appropriated to the
+    Common Law Division of the High Court of Justice. At each of
+    the doors of the Court where the Great Trial of Arkass v.
+    Arkass and Ambo--which abounds in "scandalous revelations in
+    High Life"--is proceeding, a group of would-be auditors has
+    collected, waiting with the patience of respectable Peris for
+    a chance of admission to the forensic Paradise within. The
+    Paradise, at present, is full to overflowing, and the doors
+    are guarded by a couple of particularly stern and stolid
+    attendants. Each Peri is trying to wear out the endurance
+    of the rest, and to propitiate the doorkeepers by exemplary
+    behaviour._
+
+[Illustration: No--but look _here_. I _know_ the Criminals.]
+
+_A Meek Man_ (_to Doorkeeper, after standing in hopeful silence for
+three-quarters of an hour_). I suppose there'll be a chance of getting
+in presently, eh?
+
+_The Doorkeeper_ (_placidly_). None whatever, Sir.
+
+_The M.M._ But they'll be rising for luncheon in an hour or so, and
+some will be coming out then, surely?
+
+_Doork._ Not many; them as _are_ in stays in, mostly.
+
+_The M.M._ (_with a sudden recollection that he is acquainted with one
+of the Counsel engaged in the case_). Couldn't you take in my card to
+Mr. TANFIELD? I'm sure he'll do anything he could for me.
+
+    [_The rest regard him with extreme disfavour, as one guilty of
+    unsportsmanlike behaviour._
+
+_Doork._ It won't be no use--there ain't room in there as it is for a
+billiard-cue--leastwise (_conscientiously_), a stoutish one--but I'll
+get it taken in for you, if you _like_.
+
+    [_He opens the door a very little, and passes the card to an
+    attendant within._
+
+_Junior Members of the Junior Bar_ (_in very clean white wigs, with
+hauteur_). Thought you had orders to let Counsel in before the general
+public? There _ought_ to be some rule about that, if there isn't.
+
+_Doork._ So we do, Sir; but if this gentleman's a friend of Mr.
+TANFIELD's, and he _arsks_ me to admit him, why you see--
+
+_Junior Junior_ (_witheringly_). The convenience of mere Members of
+the _Bar_ must give way, naturally!
+
+    [_The inside Attendant returns with card, which the
+    Doorkeeper unlocks the door to receive, and then shuts it to
+    with a sharp click, like a wild-beast-tamer._
+
+_Doork._ (_to the M.M., after perusing card by the dim light_). I
+_told_ you it wouldn't be no use, Sir. "Please wait," it says.
+
+    [_General movement of virtuous satisfaction at this
+    well-merited rebuke._
+
+_The M.M._ (_wishing he had not put his trust in TANFIELD_). I--I
+_have_ waited--but it don't matter. (_Addressing First White Wig,
+from a timid social impulse_). The--er--Plaintiff made some remarkable
+admissions in the box yesterday--his cross-examination seemed pretty
+severe.
+
+_First White Wig_ (_after a stare at his audacity_). Cross-examination
+not unfrequently _is_. (_To the other W.W._) See that extraordinary
+decision of old JUBBER's in _Biling_ v. _Bulgin_? Of course they'll
+appeal!
+
+    [_The couple converse in highly technical terms for some
+    minutes._
+
+_The M.M._ (_at the next pause_). It struck me that Colonel ARKASS
+rather contradicted himself on one or two points.
+
+_Second W.W._ Very likely. (_To First W.W._) What do _you_ do when
+you're before one of these confounded Common Law Judges, and see he's
+looking up a point of Equity in a text-book during your argument? Do
+you wait for him?
+
+_First W.W._ (_with all the decision of a Counsel who was called the
+Term before last_). Wait for him? No--go on talking about anything you
+like, till he's ready to listen to you again. That's what _I_ always
+do!
+
+_An Important Stranger_ (_bustling up; to Doorkeepers_). Here, I say,
+let _me_ in, will you!
+
+_Doork._ You a Witness in this case, Sir?
+
+_The Imp. S._ (_after a tell-tale pause_). Er--yes--in a sort of way,
+y'know.
+
+_Doork._ Then _your_ entrance is down below, Sir, in the Central
+'All--you'll see it written up there.
+
+_The I.S._ Haw--well, I'm not _exactly_ a witness, but I'm interested
+in the case, y'know.
+
+_Doork._ So are all these Gentlemen, Sir--but they can't get in.
+
+_The I.S._ No--but look _here_. I _know_ the criminals--'tleast I
+don't mean to call 'em _that_, y'know--hope they're all innocent, I'm
+sure. I like 'em all; _danced_ with 'em, and all that, lots of times.
+
+_Doork._ Ah, well, you see they ain't dancin' to-day, Sir. (_The I.S.
+bustles away; there is a stir within; the portion of the crowd in
+Court that is visible through the glass-doors heaves convulsively,
+and presently produces a stout and struggling Q.C._). Make way there!
+Stand aside, gentlemen, please. Counsel coming out!
+
+    [_Q.C. comes out, puffing, followed by his Clerk and a
+    Client._
+
+_First W.W._ (_as the chasm in the crowd closes again_). _Now_ you can
+let us in!
+
+_Doork._ (_stolidly_). Not yet, Sir. (_To other Doork._) I see that
+party agen last night--_you_ know--him as was here making all that
+shindy day afore yesterday. I went and 'ad a drink with 'im.
+
+_Second Doork._ (_interested_). Ah, and 'ow _was_ he?
+
+_First Doork._ Oh, same as usual--boozed. Told me he'd come up from
+Glasgow for a week's spree--and he seems to be _'aving_ it, too. Going
+'ome Saturday, so he sez.
+
+_Second Doork._ (_grimly_). He'll be lucky if he gets there Saturday
+fortnight!
+
+[Illustration: IN HIS CLUTCHES.
+
+"WHAT A DAY OI'M HAVIN'! BEGORRA, OI'VE GOT 'EM BOILIN' ON BOTH SOIDES
+AV THE ATLANTIC AT THE SAME TOIME!"]
+
+_Murmurs_ (_from the lucky Peris who can just see the witness-box
+through the glass panel_). Who's that in the box? That's Colonel
+ARKASS--finishing his cross-examination.... Doesn't seem to be
+enjoying himself.... See how he's tugging at his moustache.... Got a
+nasty one just then, I expect.... I'd as soon believe 'im as I would
+'er--_now_.... She ain't been in the _box_ yet.... No, but she's a
+reg'lar bad lot, from what was said in the opening speech. They won't
+change my opinion of _'er_, whichever way the case goes! Well, I
+'aven't followed it closely myself.... Oh, no more have I--but still
+I've made up _my_ mind long ago about it, (&c., &c.)
+
+_The I.S._ (_suddenly returning, indignant_). I say, they're letting
+in all _sorts_ of people--barristers, and so on--at that _other_ door!
+
+_Doork._ Can't 'elp that, Sir; _this_ ain't the other door--you should
+speak to _them_ about it!
+
+_The I.S._ (_naïvely_). Well, I _have_--and they told me to come here!
+
+    [_General snigger, amidst which he departs in disgust._
+
+_A Small Office-Boy_ (_with a strip of paper, tied with red tape_).
+Kin I see Sir HALFRID ALLABYE a moment?
+
+_Doork._ Sir ALFRED ain't in this Court--he's engaged in another case.
+
+_The O.B._ 'Is Clurk'll do--it's 'ighly important--you better lemme
+_in_, I tell yer!
+
+_Doork._ Send in a message for yer, if that'll do. (_The O.B. says
+it doesn't signify, and bolts._) Young Artful! thinks he'll sneak in,
+and spend his dinner-hour there--but he _don't_!
+
+_The M.M._ (_who has been examining his card under a gaslight_).
+I say, I've just found out that it wasn't "Please _wait_" that Mr.
+TANFIELD wrote on my card--it's "Please _Admit_!"
+
+    [_A general titter of incredulity._
+
+_First W.W._ (_to Second W.W._). Ingenious--but a trifle transparent
+that, eh?
+
+    [_His friend smiles knowingly._
+
+_The M.M._ (_roused_). Do you mean to suggest that I--
+
+    [_He chokes._
+
+_First W.W._ Oh, not at all--I was speaking to my friend here. But you
+really must allow that, if any preference is shown at all, it should
+be given--equitably, and of right--to Members of the Bar!
+
+_Chorus from the other Peris._ Yes, they've stood here nearly as
+long as you have. You must wait your turn, like the rest of us! No
+preferences _'ere_! We've got as much right to go in as you.... If Mr.
+TANFIELD wants you admitted over our heads, let him come and let you
+in himself! If _any_ one goes in first, it ought to be Barristers!
+(&c., &c.)
+
+_Doork._ (_impartially_). Well, it ain't o' much consequence,
+Gentlemen, for I can't let _none_ of you in at present!
+
+    [_The M.M. simmers with suppressed rage; wonders if it is
+    worth while to mention that he happens to be a Barrister
+    himself, and wishes to enter for the serious and legitimate
+    purpose of collecting material for an Essay he is contributing
+    on "The Abuse of Cross-Examination" to the "Nineteenth
+    Century." On reflection, he thinks he had better not._
+
+_Doork._ (_as the crowd in Court is again convulsed_). Clear the way
+there! Court rising--Counsel coming out! Ah, this _is_ Mr. TANFIELD.
+
+_The Peris_ (_White Wigs and all_). Now we shall _see_!
+
+    [_They regard the M.M. with anticipatory triumph._
+
+_Mr. Tanfield_ (_passing out, and recognising the M.M._). Why, my dear
+MUTTON, won't they let you in? Here, come along with me!
+
+    [_He passes his arm through the M.M.'s, walks with him to
+    the other door, murmurs a request for his admission, and the
+    next moment the M.M. is safe in the haven of his desire._
+
+_The other Peris_ (_looking after him enviously_). Well, of all the
+brazen impudence!
+
+    [_They are swept aside by the current of emerging Counsel,
+    Spectators, &c. and re-assemble, to find the doors as
+    pitilessly closed against them as ever. The White Wigs
+    threaten to write to the "Law Times" on the subject, and are
+    regarded with admiration by the rest as Champions of Popular
+    Rights._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD TIMES REVIVED.
+
+_Portrait of Candidate making his Third Speech on same day._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RACINE, WITH THE CHILL OFF.
+
+[Illustration: On his Hobby.]
+
+Baffled by official prudery in the production of his poetic episode
+from Holy Writ, yet resolved that the names of SARAH and OSCAR shall
+be bracketted together on the muster-roll of genius, Mr. WILDE has
+undertaken to re-write RACINE's _Phèdre_ for that distinguished
+actress. In his version the smoothly-chaste and insipidly-correct
+verses which our grandmothers learnt to recite, and our grandfathers
+pretended to admire on the lips of the classic RACHEL, will give place
+to the school of BAUDELAIRE and VALLES. We have been fortunate in
+obtaining an _échantillon_ of this great work.
+
+ACTE I., SCENE 3. _PHÈDRE, OENONE._
+
+  _Phèdre._ Je me meurs d'ennuie. Mon éventail, et vite!
+
+  _Oenone._ Madame, je devine votre mal. Vous aimez HIPPOLYTE!
+
+  _Phèdre._ HIPPOLYTE! Imbécile, ce que j'aime est le vice,
+      La rime sans raison, l'audace, l'immondice,
+      L'horrible, l'eccentrique, le sens-dessus-dessous,
+      La fanfaronnade, la réclame, le sang, et la boue;
+      La bave fétide des bouches empoisonnées;
+      L'horreur, le meurtre, et le "ta-ra-boum-de-ay!"
+      Crois-tu que pour HIPPOLYTE j'ai le moindre estime?
+      Du tout! C'est mon beau fils, et l'aimer est un crime,
+      C'est un fat odieux, OENONE. Homme je le déteste,
+      Mais comme fils de mon mari l'aimer c'est l'in--
+
+  _Oenone._                                  Peste!
+      Que veut dire Madame?
+
+  _Phèdre._        L'inconnu l'inconvenable.[2]
+      Tu me coupe la parole d'une façon exécrable--
+      Le vice, OENONE, sais-tu ce que c'est que le vice?
+      Que la rose n'est pas rose avant qu'elle pourrisse?
+      Esprit terre-à-terre, âme bornée d'épicier,
+      Non, tu ne les connais pas, les délices du fumier.
+      Tu ne sais pas trouver tes étoiles dans l'égout,
+      Tes ivresses dans la fange, ton amour dans la boue.
+
+  _Oenone._ Madame radote. C'est Vénus à sa proie attachée.
+
+  _Phèdre._ Vénus fin de siècle, qui se nomme Astarté,
+      Diablesse gigantesque, aux boyaux d'airain,
+      Trou rouge où l'on jette des monceaux d'êtres humains.
+      Grille de fer où la chair fume, les cheveux pétillent,
+      Choses claires qui noircissent, sombres choses qui brillent,
+      Choses qu'on aime le plus pour ce qu'elles n'existent pas,
+      Choses basses qui s'élèvent, hautes choses qu'on mettent bas,
+      Paradis de paradoxes--
+
+This brief sample of Mr. WILDE's muse may be less erudite than the
+play tabooed by the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, and may show a bolder disregard
+of the stringent laws which govern French versification; but it is
+assuredly in harmony with the spirit of the age, and goes far to bring
+RACINE up to date.
+
+[Footnote 2: The fact that this word is not to be found in the
+dictionary must be set down as the fault of the language rather than
+of the poet. If "convenable," why not "inconvenable"?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
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+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume
+103, July 16, 1892, by Various
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103,
+July 16, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103, July 16, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14846]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 103.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>July 16, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page13"
+       id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span>
+
+    <h2>TO THE FIRST BATHING-MACHINE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>After Wordsworth.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O blank new-comer! I have seen,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I see thee with a start:</p>
+
+            <p>So gentle looking a Machine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Infernal one thou art!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When first the sun feels rather hot,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or even rather warm,</p>
+
+            <p>From some dim, hibernating spot</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Rolls forth thy clumsy form.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Perhaps thou babblest to the sea</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of sunshine and of flowers;</p>
+
+            <p>Thou bringest but a thought to me</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of such bad quarter hours.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thy very narrow bench,</p>
+
+            <p>Thou, bounding on in wild career,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All shake, and jolt, and wrench.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Till comes an unexpected stop;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My forehead hits the door,</p>
+
+            <p>And I, with cataclysmic flop,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Lie on thy sandy floor.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I, blushing, venture out;</p>
+
+            <p>And find the sea is still a mile</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Away, or thereabout.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Blithe little children on the sand</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Laugh out with childish glee;</p>
+
+            <p>Their nurses, sitting near at hand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All giggling, stare at me.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Within thy tranquil shade,</p>
+
+            <p>And wait until the rising main</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shall banish child and maid.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thy doors I dare not open now,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thy windows give no view;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow:</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I dress myself anew.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Set wide the door. All round is sea!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Hold tight, Sir!" voices call,</p>
+
+            <p>And in the water, jerked from thee,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I tumble, clothes and all!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O blessed thing! this earth we pace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Thy haunt should never be,</p>
+
+            <p>A quite unmentionable place</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That is fit home for thee!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/13.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/13.png"
+             alt="ELECTION INTELLIGENCE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Brilliant Elector</i> (<i>at the Polling
+        Station</i>). "IT'S A STOUTISH KOIND OF A MAN, WITH A BALD
+        'EAD, AS AR WISHES TO VOTE FOR, BUT AR 'M BLESSED IF AR
+        KNOW 'IS NAÄME!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. III.</h3>
+
+    <p>It is with the greatest possible pleasure that <i>Mr.
+    Punch</i> presents to his readers the following example of the
+    New Poetry. It is taken from a collection entitled "<i>Rhymes
+    of the Ropes</i>" These Rhymes are intended to illustrate the
+    everyday life of the British prize-fighter, his simple joys,
+    his manly sorrows, his conversational excellences, and his
+    indomitable pluck. The author has never been a prize-fighter
+    himself, but he claims for these Rhymes the merit of absolute
+    truth in every detail. In any case it is quite certain that
+    every critic who reviews the volume will say of it, that no
+    previous book has ever presented to us, with such complete
+    fidelity, the British prize-fighter as he lives and moves, and
+    has his being&mdash;not the gaudy, over-dressed and
+    over-jewelled creature whom the imagination of the public
+    pictures as haunting the giddy palaces of pleasure, and adored
+    by the fairest of the fair, but the rough, uncouth, simple
+    creature to whom we Britons owe our reputation for pluck and
+    stamina. How the critic knows this, never having been a
+    prize-fighter himself, and never having associated with them,
+    is a question which it might be difficult to answer. But,
+    nevertheless, the critic will guarantee the "<i>Rhymes of the
+    Ropes</i>."</p>
+
+    <p>If some of <i>Mr. Punch's</i> readers, while recognising the
+    force and go of the lines, shall think them <i>tant soit
+    peu</i> coarse and brutal, the fault must not be ascribed to
+    <i>Mr. Punch</i>, but to the brilliant young author. Moreover,
+    <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs leave to say, that squeamishness of that
+    kind is becoming more and more absurd every day under the
+    influence of the New Poetry and its professors. Here then
+    is&mdash;</p>
+
+    <h3>KNOCKED OUT.</h3>
+
+    <h4 class="sc">By Mr. R*d**rd K*pl*ng.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh it's bully when I land 'em with a counter on the
+            jaw,</p>
+
+            <p>When the ruby's all a drippin' and the conks are red
+            and raw;</p>
+
+            <p>And it's bully when I've downed 'em, and the lords
+            are standin' booze,</p>
+
+            <p>Them lords with shiny shirt-fronts, and their
+            patent-leather shoes.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">But you'd best look jolly meek</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">When you're up afore the beak,</p>
+
+            <p>For they hustle you, and bustle you, and treat you
+            like a dog.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And its 'Olloway for you</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">For a month or may be two,</p>
+
+            <p>Where the Widow keeps a mansion and purvides you
+            with your prog.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It was 'ero 'ere and 'ero there, I might 'ave been a
+            King,</p>
+
+            <p>For to 'ear 'em 'ip 'urraying as I stepped into the
+            ring,</p>
+
+            <p>When I faced the Tipton Slasher, me and 'im in
+            four-ounce gloves,</p>
+
+            <p>Just to make us look as 'armless as a pair o'
+            bloomin' doves.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Then I bruises 'im and batters,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And 'e cuts my lips to tatters,</p>
+
+            <p>And I gives 'im 'alf a dozen where 'is peepers ought
+            to be.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And 'e flattens out my nose</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">With a brace of bally blows,</p>
+
+            <p>Which I 'ardly 'ad expected from a pug as couldn't
+            see.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Next round the Slasher's groggy, 'e 'angs 'is 'ands
+            and gropes</p>
+
+            <p>(I'd knocked him orf 'is legs at last) a-feelin' for
+            the ropes.</p>
+
+            <p>And, lor, 'e looked so cheerful with 'is face a mask
+            of red</p>
+
+            <p>That I bust myself with laughin' when I bashed 'im
+            on the 'ead.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Then they counted up to ten,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">But 'e couldn't rise again;</p>
+
+            <p>'E gasped a bit, and puffed a bit, and laid there in
+            a 'eap.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And I copped a thousand pounds</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">For a fight of seven rounds,</p>
+
+            <p>Which was all the time it took me for to put my man
+            to sleep.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah, the soft uns call it brutal; there's Mr. H.P.
+            COBB,</p>
+
+            <p>And 'is talk, which isn't pretty, about ruffians
+            (meanin' us).</p>
+
+            <p>I'd like to tap <i>'is</i> claret when 'e's up and
+            on the job,</p>
+
+            <p>And send 'im 'ome a 'owlin' to 'is mammy or 'is
+            nuss.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">But I'd rather take the chuck</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">For a show of British pluck,</p>
+
+            <p>And do my month in chockee, and eat my skilly
+            free;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And I'll leave the curs to snivel</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">With their 'Ouse o' Commons drivel,</p>
+
+            <p>Which may suit a pack of jaw-pots, but, by gosh, it
+            don't suit me.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"What I suffer from, at this time of year, when I go into
+    the country," says Mrs. R., "is 'Flybites.'" She pronounced it
+    as a word of three syllables, and then added, "I rather think
+    the learned way of spelling it is 'Phlybites.'"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page14"
+       id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/14.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/14.png"
+             alt="CORIOLANUS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>CORIOLANUS.</h3>
+
+        <div class="poem">
+            <div class="stanza">
+                <p>"I WOULD HE HAD CONTINU'D TO HIS COUNTRY</p>
+
+                <p>AS HE BEGAN, AND NOT UNKNIT, HIMSELF,</p>
+
+                <p>THE NOBLE KNOT HE
+                MADE."&mdash;<i>Coriolanus</i>, Act. IV., Scene
+                2.</p>
+            </div>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page15"
+       id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/15.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/15.png"
+             alt="HENGENIOUS IDEA." /></a>
+
+        <h3>HENGENIOUS IDEA.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Early Visitor.</i> "WHY, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING,
+        MATHILDE,&mdash;TURNING YOUR BOUDOIR INTO A POULTRY
+        YARD?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mathilde.</i> "WELL, MY DEAR, AS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO
+        RELY ON GETTING NEW-LAID EGGS IN TOWN, I HAVE HAD MY PET
+        COCHIN-CHINA UP FROM THE COUNTRY, AND SHE IS THOROUGHLY TO
+        BE TRUSTED!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CORIOLANUS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i2">"I would he had continu'd to his
+            country</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As he began, and not unknit, himself,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The noble knot he made."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Coriolanus</i>, Act IV., Scene 2.</p>
+
+    <p>"His Majesty discriminates between the Prince BISMARCK of
+    former times, and of to-day, and is anxious that his Government
+    should avoid everything which might tend to diminish, in the
+    eyes of the German nation, the familiar figure of its greatest
+    Statesman."&mdash;<i>Instructions to Imperial German
+    Representatives abroad:</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Can this be he who "At the
+            Gates"<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of Janus' Temple stood of old,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Protective, vigilant, and bold,</p>
+
+            <p>As one who calmly dares&mdash;and waits?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"<i>So fancy limns him, who'll not cease</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>To watch o'er what his brain
+            upbuilt</i>,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Punch</i> sang. And now he lifts the
+            hilt,</p>
+
+            <p>Warlike, against a Patriot Peace.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Calm warder then, challenger now.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The tower he reared would he attack,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Because&mdash;they have not called him
+            back</p>
+
+            <p>Like CINCINNATUS from the plough?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The wounds that he doth bear for Rome,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Should speak wide-lipped against the
+            change.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The new <i>Coriolanus</i>! Strange,</p>
+
+            <p>So great a past to <i>this</i> should come!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The imperious Roman, banished, bared</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against Rome's walls a traitor blade.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But <i>you</i>&mdash;revenge is scarce
+            your trade,</p>
+
+            <p>Hero, in faction's mazes snared.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The shirt of Nessus poisoned not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor angered Hercules as you</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seem angered, poisoned. Yet you knew</p>
+
+            <p>On ARNIM's shield to bare the blot.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What should it say, Count HARRY's ghost,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Could it beside your couch appear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And whisper in his foeman's ear?</p>
+
+            <p>Share you not that which shamed him most?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>You</i> flaunt the Press against the Throne?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>You</i> bare State secrets to the
+            crowd?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You who against the Mob were loud,</p>
+
+            <p>With mockery MARCIUS well might own?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It doth not fit a splendid past.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Sentinel in arms arrayed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the Citadel, a shade</p>
+
+            <p>Of gloom o'er glory's sheen will cast.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The illustrious name of BISMARCK blot</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With no such treason as could dim</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Roman's glory, nor, like him.</p>
+
+            <p>Yourself unknit <i>your</i> "noble knot"!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p><i>See</i> Cartoon "At the Gates," p. 151, vol. 85, year
+        1883.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THAT DUTCHMAN OOMS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>AIR&mdash;"<i>The Admiral's Broom</i>."</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[J.J.K. OOMS, an amateur sculler from Amsterdam, won
+        easily the "Diamond Sculls" at Henley this year, beating V.
+        NICKALS, and others of our crack oars.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, OOMS was a champion brave and bold,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Dutchman's pride was he;</p>
+
+            <p>And he cried, "I can row on the Thames, I know,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As well as the Zuyder Zee,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">As well as the Zuyder Zee!"</p>
+
+            <p>And as his boat he set afloat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And looked o'er the Henley tide,</p>
+
+            <p>He saw all England taking note,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And he trimmed his sculls and
+            cried:&mdash;(<i>Bis.</i>)</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"I'll win those 'Sculls!'" said he,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"The 'Diamond Sculls' for me!</p>
+
+            <p>That the world may know, wherever I go</p>
+
+            <p>Thames yields to the Zuyder Zee!" (<i>Bis.</i>)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Cried JOHN BULL, "Here! You Dutchman queer.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To-day you must row with me;</p>
+
+            <p>For while I ride Thames' silver tide,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll be second to none," said he;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">"I'll be second to none," said he.</p>
+
+            <p>So they blazed away at that Dutchman gay,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Stout NICKALS, brave BOYD, and
+            all&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p><i>But</i> the Dutchman's ship our best did
+            whip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And BULL cried to his merry men all,
+            (<i>bis</i>)</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"We're whipped, boys, for once," said
+            he,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">"It's a whip that's a licker to me."</p>
+
+            <p>Right well OOMS pulls, and the 'Diamond Sculls'</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Are gone to the Zuyder Zee!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">VAN TROMP with his broom made free,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But this OOMS has "swept" Hen-ley.</p>
+
+            <p>Here's his health! But oh! those Sculls, you
+            know,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Must come back from the Zuyder Zee."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>SOME COMFORT.&mdash;Harrow beat Eton at Lords' last week.
+    The Etonians have some consolation in the fact of the
+    Head-Master of Harrow being an Etonian. Without doing violence
+    to their feelings, they can simply pronounce the Head-Master's
+    name, and say, "<i>Well done, Harrow!</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW READING OF AN OLD GREEK PROVERB (<i>by a disappointed
+    Author, whose Work has been recently cut up in the
+    Press</i>).&mdash;"&Kappa;&rho;&eta;&tau;&alpha;&iota;
+    &alpha;&epsilon;&iota; &Psi;&epsilon;&upsilon;&sigma;&tau;&alpha;&iota;."
+    <i>I.e.</i>, "Critics are always liars."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page16"
+       id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/16-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/16-1.png"
+             alt="UNFAIR ADVANTAGE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Gladstonian Dentist</i> (<i>to Tory Patient</i>). "I
+        HAVE THE MOST PROFOUND ADMIRATION&mdash;MOUTH A LITTLE MORE
+        OPEN, THANKS&mdash;FOR THAT GREAT MAN, GLADSTONE,&mdash;AND
+        IT WAS ONLY LAST WEEK&mdash;&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ON THE FLY-LEAF OF AN OLD BOOK.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It's long been loose; at last it's quite</p>
+
+            <p>Come out&mdash;the very thing to write</p>
+
+            <p>My laundry list on. Think what might</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Have been upon it!</p>
+
+            <p>Some lines by GOLDSMITH, neatly planned,</p>
+
+            <p>A verse by BYRON, mighty grand,</p>
+
+            <p>Or even, penned by SHAKSPEARE's hand,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A song or sonnet;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>DA VINCI might have made a sketch,</p>
+
+            <p>Or REMBRANDT drawn a head to etch,</p>
+
+            <p>Or TURNER dashed some tints&mdash;'twould fetch</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A thousand guineas.</p>
+
+            <p>Here might have been some notes, compiled</p>
+
+            <p>By IBSEN, MAETERLINCK, or WILDE,</p>
+
+            <p>On how some writers have beguiled</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Some simple ninnies;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Some words on Cooks, by RANDOLPH C.,</p>
+
+            <p>Or Greek Home Rule, by Grand Old G.,</p>
+
+            <p>Some Irish notes by A.J.B.,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A cheque from DILLON.</p>
+
+            <p>How useless now to think what might</p>
+
+            <p>Have been, for I have blacked the white!</p>
+
+            <p>It is not even fit to write</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">A washing-bill on!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>CHURCH AND BOOTH.&mdash;The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was
+    recently a guest at the Munching House on the occasion of an
+    Undenominational Banquet. His Grace, in a post-prandial speech,
+    observed that the Salvation Army came "fluting" among us, but
+    he thought that the Army's success would be as "fleeting" as it
+    was "fluting." Neat this for his Grace-after-dinner. This was a
+    nice after-dinner way of giving "<i>caviare</i> to the
+    General." No "laughter" appears to have followed, so the
+    <i>caviare</i> was not generally taken.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>LITERARY NOTE AND QUERY.&mdash;First volume of
+    <i>Tacitus</i> translated into English by A.W. QUILL. Judging
+    from a review in the <i>Times</i> of this instalment, it is the
+    work of neither a soft nor hard Quill, but a medium Quill. With
+    such a suggestive name, this author will show himself a Goose
+    Quill if he does not at once turn his attention to the History
+    of PENN.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/16-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/16-2.png"
+             alt="Lady Gay." /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>The Bobolink, Henley.</i></p>
+
+    <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p>
+
+    <p>The Election at Sheepsdoor being regarded as a "moral" for
+    our Candidate&mdash;(what a delightful change from the
+    <i>im-moral</i> way in which elections <i>used</i> to be
+    conducted!)&mdash;I felt it was safe for me to wing my flight
+    to fresh scenes and pastures new!&mdash;not that I wanted any
+    "new pastures," having been a <i>grass</i>-widow for some
+    time;&mdash;but having had enough of the "rolling
+    billow"&mdash;(by the way, the rolling "<i>Billow</i>" at
+    Stockbridge didn't roll fast enough)&mdash;I yearned for the
+    silvery smoothness of Father Thames, so started for Henley with
+    my faithful <i>Eulalie</i>&mdash;(I really must change her
+    name, it sounds like a Swiss jödel); but, oh! my
+    goodness!&mdash;talk about <i>billows</i>&mdash;the Channel
+    passage is a fool to what we found at Henley! Waves mountain
+    high!&mdash;(This of course is an exaggeration, but I've read
+    it so often in sea-novels, that I've almost come to believe it
+    possible&mdash;it would be nearer the truth, as dear Mrs.
+    RAMSBOTHAM would pronounce it, I fancy&mdash;waves "mounting
+    high.") I had to sit all day on the roof of the
+    <i>Bobolink</i>, with a lifebelt or <i>something</i> round my
+    waist!&mdash;and having made me acquaintance of a sweet youth
+    who could swim, I implored him not to leave me!&mdash;and he
+    didn't&mdash;the whole day long. Ah! he was <i>very</i>
+    nice!&mdash;I need not tell you I didn't notice the racing
+    <i>much</i>, but I did take an interest in <i>two</i> of the
+    contests; viz.&mdash;(I don't know what "viz." means&mdash;but
+    I <i>do</i> know I am using it correctly)&mdash;The Diamond
+    Sculls, and The Ladies' Challenge. The Diamonds were walked
+    off, or rowed off to Holland&mdash;(great place, I'm told, for
+    diamonds)&mdash;by Mr. K. OOMS (who evidently "kooms" of an
+    athletic stock), amid the generous cheers of our defeated
+    Englishmen! The other&mdash;and naturally, from its title, the
+    most important event&mdash;was competed for by two boat-loads
+    from Cambridge University&mdash;<i>Crews</i>, I believe, they
+    call them, but I always thought it was a sign of contempt to
+    allude to any party of people as "a crew." However that may be,
+    I was informed that "First Trinity had carried off the Ladies!"
+    (just as if they were a pack of Sabine women), and I suppose it
+    was true; though, in counting up the Ladies in sight, I only
+    missed <i>one</i>&mdash;and she, I found, had fallen into the
+    river, and been gallantly rescued by a spectator, who, I
+    presume, was determined to have <i>his</i> share, in spite of
+    the First Trinity Men!</p>
+
+    <p>Back to town, after all was over on Thursday, to find
+    everybody wild with "election fever." A large group surrounding
+    the "tape" at the Club (I belong to the "Amazon," of course),
+    and ordering lemon squashes when a seat was lost, and whiskey
+    and seltzer when the reverse was the case! Oh, this Election!
+    Thank goodness, I'm off to Newmarket, to spend the week with
+    Sir NEWMAN and Lady GATESHEAD, with a distinct feeling of
+    relief at getting back to business after this fortnight of
+    exciting relaxation!</p>
+
+    <p>Next week's racing furnishes quite a lengthy <i>menu</i>,
+    with several attractive <i>entrées</i>, and some good
+    "made-up-overnight" dishes; in fact, a programme which appeals
+    strongly to every racy palate. I do not propose to work my way
+    through the entire <i>menu</i> (not being an Alderman), and
+    will only hint at a few of the side-dishes, which may be worth
+    attention reserving my great effort for the "<i>plat de
+    résistance</i>" at Sandown; so, at Newmarket&mdash;try just a
+    mouthful of July Handicap <i>à la</i> Duke of DEVONSHIRE's
+    "Selected;" should it choke you, have a pat on the "Bach" when
+    attacking the Beaufort <i>Stakes</i>; and to wind up with
+    dessert, worthy of a CHESTERFIELD, take a "Meddler." If this
+    conglomeration of good things is not too much for you, travel
+    back to town in time for the great race of the week; but,
+    <i>if</i> upset, don't blame,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br />
+    LADY GAY.</p>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">"Eclipse Stakes Selection."</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With <i>Gouverneur</i>, <i>Orme</i>, and such giants
+            to run,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It needs the cool calm of a PLATO</p>
+
+            <p>To fix on the horse that will "capture the bun!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But I think it will be
+            "<i>Orvieto</i>."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17"
+       id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span>
+
+    <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:48%;">
+        <a href="images/17-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/17-1.png"
+             alt="Fancy Sketch for a Brazen Statue of a Composer notable for his 'Horns and Brass.'" />
+        </a>Fancy Sketch for a Brazen Statue of a Composer notable
+        for his "Horns and Brass."
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<i>Première</i> of <i>Elaine</i>.
+    BEMBERG Composer, LÉON-JEHIN Conductor, and Sir DRURIOLANUS
+    Producer. Full House, determined to give New Opera a fair
+    hearing, and sit it out. Don't get a new Opera every day.
+    Congratulations to BEMBERG in a general way. "In a first Opera"
+    (if this be his first), to quote the Composer of the recent
+    De-La-ra-Boom Buddha, who was complacently listening to the
+    other Composer's new Opera, "originality breeds contempt." So a
+    little bit here, and a little bit there, here a bit, and there
+    a bit, and everywhere a bit, gets rid of all superfluity in the
+    Composer's brain, and saves the listening critic much trouble.
+    Then his next Opera&mdash;Ah!&mdash;<i>that</i> ought to be all
+    genuinely new and original Sparkling BEMBERG Cabinet.
+    "<i>Elaine</i>," observed a lady critic, "is graceful and
+    airy"&mdash;which, in the lady's presence, the present listener
+    was not prepared to deny.</p>
+
+    <p>Contented must have been Composer BEMBERG with such a cast
+    as was made and provided for him by Sir DRURIOLANUS. MELBA, as
+    the "Lily Maid of Astolat," charming, with a charming song,
+    "<i>L'Amour est pur</i>." The audience was in an encoring
+    humour, but, thank goodness, only a few encores were taken, and
+    the others left, otherwise none of us would have been home till
+    sunrise. In the swan-like dying scene the Composer wrings our
+    heart-strings with his harp-strings, reminding everyone
+    forcibly that, as <i>Mr. Guppy</i> observed, "There <i>are</i>
+    chords!" Wagnerian, sometimes, is our BEMBERG, with his horns
+    and brass. Fine chorus at beginning of Act II.&mdash;the
+    Tournament Act&mdash;which shows, as a foolish person observed,
+    "a Rummy lot at Camelot." At end of Third Act MELBA and JEAN DE
+    RESZKÉ (who must have joined the Salvation Army, as he was,
+    apparently, "saving himself" all the evening) were
+    enthusiastically called. Engaged in curtseying her thanks,
+    MELBA didn't notice&mdash;as, how should she?&mdash;property
+    steps behind her, on which, at about her tenth curtsey, she
+    suddenly sat down about two seconds before she could possibly
+    realise that there was any chance of sitting down. But JEAN
+    LAUNCELOT DE RESZKÉ was there, and rescued her! Good Knight!
+    JEAN DE RESCUE! Then EDWARD, as <i>Hermit</i>, own brother to
+    <i>Friar Laurence</i>, excellent. But so were they all, and the
+    Opera will well repay several re-hearings.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<i>Aïda</i>. Generally considered
+    rather a heavy Opera by VERDI. "But to-night," says WAGSTAFF,
+    "the Verdi-ict quite t'other way." MAUREL excellent as
+    <i>Amonasro</i>, and MAGGIE MACINTYRE looked, acted, and sang
+    Maggie-nificently. Uncommonly good was GIULIA RAVOGLI as
+    <i>Amneris</i>, <i>Aïda's</i> rival for the love of the
+    small-sized <i>Radamès Dimitresco</i>, or Dimi-nutive-Tresco
+    (comparatively speaking), to whom EDWARD DE RESZKÉ, being quite
+    <i>a Ned</i> and shoulders taller, might spare some of his
+    superfluous inches.</p>
+
+    <p>EDWARD uncommonly good as <i>Ramfis</i>, which name,
+    considering the peculiar make-up, might be appropriately
+    changed to <i>Rum Phiz</i>, and nobody be any the worse.
+    BEVIGNANI conducted himself and the orchestra admirably; M.
+    PLANÇON, in English Plain Song, did all well that as <i>Il
+    Re</i> he had to do, looking every inch a <i>Re</i>, and not a
+    bit <i>Il</i>. Mlle. BAUERMEISTER was <i>Una Sacerdotissa</i>,
+    but she would be anything and do everything well. Signer
+    RINALDINI was <i>Un Messagiero</i>. His costume might have been
+    more effective had Sir AUGUSTUS brought him up to date as a
+    Messenger Boy for the Telephonie-sol-fa Company. This can be
+    amended. House good.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Friday</i>.&mdash;Covent Garden, <i>Elaine</i> expected,
+    but didn't appear. JOHN THE RISKY, the <i>Launcelot</i> of the
+    Opera, unwell. "Not <i>Launcelot</i>, but another!" cried Sir
+    DRURIOLANUS, only there wasn't another. So <i>Carmen</i> was
+    played. "Not this <i>Elaine</i>," continued Sir AUGUSTUS, "but
+    Drur-e-lane." So away! to hear the Trumpeter of the German
+    Band. This <i>Trompeter</i> might be played as a trump in a
+    small house, but 'tis trumpery for Drury Lane. One phrase of an
+    old music-hall ditty, the words of which were, "She walked
+    forward, <i>I</i> followed on, tra la la!" constantly recur.
+    Who originated it? Unwonted excitement of going to two Operas
+    told on shattered frame, so staggered to Maiden Lane, which, on
+    account of its being the home for oysters, crabs, and lobsters,
+    should be renamed Mer-maiden Lane. Behold! good Dr. BAYLIS
+    "within the Rules" making up his evening prescriptions.
+    "<i>Quis supperabit?</i>" asked the learned Dr. B.
+    "<i>Ego</i>," replied I, like JEAMES, knowing the language. And
+    "supper-a-bit" it was. "'84 <i>wachterum unum pintum frigidum
+    sumendum cum</i> '92 <i>chickeno</i>," &amp;c. "My benizon on
+    thee!" said CRITICUS REDIVIVUS. "Dr. BAYLIS, I bay-<i>liss</i>
+    thee!" with the accent on the "<i>liss</i>." So home. After all
+    the chops and changes of this operatic life, I am with "chicken
+    and champagne" content. <i>Finis coronat opus.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>MORE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ALCOHOLIC QUESTION.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>A few remarks on Dr. Robson Roose's Article in New
+    Review.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>1. Inebriates should be shut up in Alcoholloway Prison.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:37%;">
+        <a href="images/17-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/17-2.png"
+             alt="'Neat' Handed Phyllis." /></a>
+
+        <h4 class="sc">"'Neat' Handed Phyllis."</h4>"A contribution
+        to the Alcohol Question."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>2. "<i>Food-accessory</i>" is a very pretty name for drink.
+    Henceforth let the butler go round as "the merry toast goes
+    round." Let butlers and footmen, in dining-rooms and places
+    where they have various liquors, be instructed to inquire of
+    each and every guest "What food-accessory will you take,
+    Sir?"</p>
+
+    <p>3. "<i>The use of Alcohol dates from very early times.</i>"
+    But it is not recommended by the faculty as a good thing to be
+    taken at 7 A.M., or at any time in the morning immediately on
+    awaking.</p>
+
+    <p>As to when any one has had enough "alcohol," the old test
+    first put forward many years ago by <i>Mr. Punch</i>, still
+    holds good. If you can say "British Constitution" distinctly,
+    and without effort, so that it shall not be all in one
+    composite word sounding like "Bri'sh-conshushun," then,
+    perhaps, you may go up-stairs (if you can) and join the
+    ladies.</p>
+
+    <p>4. "<i>The liver is very prone to become affected.</i>" The
+    question is, first, Is "an evil liver" or "a good liver" here
+    intended? But, apart from this, any affectation in a liver,
+    good or bad, is objectionable. It must be taken for granted, in
+    a serious discussion on the subject, that "a slave to his
+    liver" is a synonym for "a livery servant." The one objection
+    to a livery servant lies in this very fact; for a slave to
+    liver is rarely in a good humour, and is generally sulky, lazy,
+    and disobliging.</p>
+
+    <p>5. "<i>Wine comes in, rubs off the acerbities, and brings
+    all down to the same level of good humour.</i>" The end of such
+    a happy party is, of course, all under the table, smiling, but
+    speechless.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Smiling, but beautiful they lay,</p>
+
+            <p>A gleam was in their half-closed eye,</p>
+
+            <p>But still they murmured with a sigh,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Hic-shelsher-wa'.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Dr. ROBERTS, as quoted by his <i>confrère</i>, ROBSON
+    ROOSETEM PASHA, appears to be a very sensible person. Dr.
+    ROBERTS&mdash;he is not Dr. ARTHUR ROBERTS, we
+    believe&mdash;recommends the liqueur to be judiciously taken at
+    meal-times. And, by the way, as the knowledge of when to cry,
+    "Hold, enough!" is most useful, here is another test of
+    sobriety in this very word "judicious," which some, after a
+    couple of glasses (or more) of fine old cognac, will pronounce
+    as though 'twere spelt "seducious," and some will swear it
+    ought to be "jusidious." When nobody can pronounce "judicious"
+    correctly, the <i>arbiter bibendi</i>, if himself absolutely
+    sober as a judge ought to be,&mdash;a man quite "above-board,"
+    <i>i.e.</i>, not yet under it,&mdash;such a one may pronounce
+    that the guests have had quite enough. It is a pity that so
+    excellent a writer on temperance should have the singular
+    disadvantage of a plural name. If, after dinner, a worthy
+    convivialist observed, "I see ROBERTS," would not the question
+    naturally be, "How many of 'em?" The Doctor can omit the "s,"
+    and, as perhaps he is already a little singular in his
+    carefully-advanced theories, why should he not de-pluralise his
+    surname? Do the Doctors R.R. and R. differ on this? Then we
+    must decide. In the meantime, to show our approval of this
+    particular article of Dr. ROBSON ROOSTEM PASHA's faith, we, as
+    a jovial company, drink his health, and then depart for our
+    annual Alcoholiday trip.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>LAWN TENNIS INTELLIGENCE.&mdash;BADDELAY has taken the
+    cake.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18"
+       id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/18.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/18.png"
+             alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE." />
+             </a>
+
+        <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED
+        OTHERWISE.</h3>(<i>Lady Festus At Home</i>&mdash;2
+        A.M.)<br />
+         <i>Hostess.</i> "ONLY JUST COME, SIR GEORGE? HOW GOOD OF
+        YOU TO COME SO LATE!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUT OF IT!</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>The Lay of the Non-Elected.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i2">Then a warm-faced functionary read the
+            "Declaration"&mdash;when</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A sort of sinking sickness took SMITH in
+            the abdomen;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And he smiled a sickly sort of smile, and
+            stalked out at the door,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the subsequent proceedings interested
+            <i>him</i> no more!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Bret Harte adapted.</i></p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Pheugh! His poll was taken early (it was <i>not</i>
+            on Saturday),</p>
+
+            <p>And he lost by seven hundred, and is out of the
+            fierce fray;</p>
+
+            <p>And whether he rejoices, or internally repines,</p>
+
+            <p>May be clear to the wiseacres who can "read between
+            the lines."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It was hot, too, while it lasted, and of epidemic
+            ills</p>
+
+            <p>The Election Fever "takes the cake." 'Tis true it
+            seldom kills,</p>
+
+            <p>But for far and wide contagion, and for agony
+            acute,</p>
+
+            <p>Its supremacy is certain as its sway is
+            absolute.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And he had it very badly. He looks convalescent
+            now,</p>
+
+            <p>But the frenzy of the meeting brought the crimson to
+            his brow,</p>
+
+            <p>And his thorax is still husky with his eloquent
+            appeal</p>
+
+            <p>To the mustered working-men at the hour of mid-day
+            meal.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How they swarmed about his waggon! How their oily
+            fustian filled</p>
+
+            <p>The summer air with fragrance that his fine
+            olfactories thrilled!</p>
+
+            <p>How very loud their shouts were, and how very rude
+            their jeers,</p>
+
+            <p>And how very strong the <i>bouquet</i> of clay pipes
+            and bitter beers!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>His arguments amused them, and his peroration
+            fine,</p>
+
+            <p>About "standing for old England stoutly all along
+            the line,"</p>
+
+            <p>Would have surely proved impressive, but for some
+            sardonic ass,</p>
+
+            <p>Who produced an anti-climax with the shouted comment
+            "Gas!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then the mob broke up in laughter, to return to pipe
+            and can,</p>
+
+            <p>And&mdash;plumped for his opponent pretty nearly to
+            a man;</p>
+
+            <p>For of all ungrateful cynics, and of all impervious
+            clowns,</p>
+
+            <p>Commend me (says our wanderer), to the workmen of
+            our towns.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, <i>experientia docet</i>. That confounded
+            "local Club"</p>
+
+            <p>(Blend of Institute and Chapel with a savour of the
+            pub.)</p>
+
+            <p>Where the pallid-faced cheesemongers, and the
+            clammy-handed snobs,</p>
+
+            <p>Swarmed around to "patronise" him, was the toughest
+            of tough jobs.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Its rooms were wondrous stuffy and its members
+            scarce "good form,"</p>
+
+            <p>For they mostly dropped their aitches, and they
+            always looked <i>so</i> warm.</p>
+
+            <p>Why political enthusiasts so run to noise and
+            heat,</p>
+
+            <p>And crude manners, and bad grammar, is a <i>crux</i>
+            that's hard to beat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But he bore it,&mdash;yes, he bore it; he shook
+            heaps of 'orny 'ands,</p>
+
+            <p>Heard the shindy of their shoutings, and the braying
+            of their bands;</p>
+
+            <p>Stood their "heckling," which was trying, and their
+            praises, which</p>
+
+            <p>were worse,</p>
+
+            <p>All the claims upon his time, and taste, his
+            patience, and his purse.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then they "chucked" him by three figures! Well, he's
+            "out of it," thanks be!</p>
+
+            <p>And he "offs it by the Special" to the river or the
+            sea.</p>
+
+            <p>He heard the "Declaration," <i>and</i> the rival
+            Party's roar,</p>
+
+            <p>And&mdash;"the subsequent proceedings interested him
+            no more."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"'<i>Latest Results! Helections!!</i>' Oh, confound
+            the boy! Get out!</p>
+
+            <p>Let the winners sum their winnings, let their
+            blatant backers shout.</p>
+
+            <p>What have I to do with pollings? Cease, cacophonous
+            urchin, cease!</p>
+
+            <p>I am going to read <i>The Wrecker</i>, and possess
+            my soul in peace!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"D.G." and MRS. R.&mdash;<i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to
+    congratulate the <i>Daily Graphic</i> on the electioneering
+    ladder showing every day the position of the Parties. Very
+    "Happy Thought." His ancient friend, Mrs. RAM, in speaking of
+    this journal, observed, that "<i>Daily Graphic</i> was not by
+    any means a new name, and the paper ought to have been purely
+    theatrical, as the person after whom it is evidently called was
+    the celebrated actor, you know, my dear, in the last century,
+    whom Dr. JOHNSON used to call 'Little Daily Graphic.'"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19"
+       id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/19.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/19.png"
+             alt="OUT OF IT!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>OUT OF IT!</h3>(<i>"And the subsequent Proceedings
+        interested him no more.</i>")
+
+        <p>NEWSPAPER-BOY. "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR! LATEST RESULTS O' THE
+        POLL, SIR!"</p>
+
+        <p>REJECTED CANDIDATE (<i>growls</i>). "OH! GO TO THE
+        DEUCE!!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page21"
+       id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/21-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/21-1.png"
+             alt="HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF." /></a>
+
+        <h3>HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Lady Godiva.</i> "NOW PROMISE ME, YOU DEAR GOOD MAN,
+        PROMISE ME YOU'LL VOTE FOR LORD JAMES, AND
+        I'LL&mdash;<i>I'LL DIV YOU A TISS!</i>"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE END OF HENLEY.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>Fragment from a Historical Sketch yet to be
+    written.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:28%;">
+        <a href="images/21-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/21-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>It was shortly after the middle of July, 1892, that the
+    Great Representative of the British Race stood upon the
+    Victoria Embankment, watching the river-steamers as they passed
+    to and fro. There were few persons about, for the General
+    Election was over, and civilised London was out of Town. Some
+    of civilised London had gone abroad, some were in Scotland,
+    some by the Sea. So the Great Representative expected to see no
+    one.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Mr. Punch</i>, I believe!" said some one, approaching
+    the Great Representative. The speaker was a person who wore a
+    garb peculiarly suitable to the autumnal sultriness of the
+    weather. He had about a couple of yards of calico, and one good
+    coating of serviceable paint. The Great Representative bowed
+    his head, and by a gesture, invited further explanation.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am connected with the literary world, and am a Colonist.
+    I am known, or used to be known (for I am getting a trifle out
+    of date), as Lord MACAULAY's New-Zealander."</p>
+
+    <p>Again the Great Representative bowed. He knew his visitor,
+    and bade him welcome. Then he asked him the cause of his
+    visit.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, I really don't know," replied the New-Zealander, with
+    a short laugh. "I am afraid I must have been hoaxed. I was told
+    that England was absolutely ruined, and was looking for a
+    comfortable seat amongst the remains of London Bridge."</p>
+
+    <p>"You see you are slightly premature," returned the Great
+    Representative, pointing towards a more or less majestic pile
+    in the offing. "There was some talk of rebuilding the structure
+    some short while ago, but a viaduct near the Tower was
+    considered preferable. When it is opened, there will be
+    Knighthoods for the Sheriffs, and a Baronetcy for the Lord
+    MAYOR."</p>
+
+    <p>"And yet," pondered the New-Zealander, "I was certainly
+    informed by wire, that the glory of Britain had vanished for
+    ever."</p>
+
+    <p>"Very likely an Election cry," observed <i>Mr. Punch</i>,
+    "In the midst of a contested polling, both sides think the
+    success of their rivals must be followed by immediate disaster.
+    But somehow or other, things settle down afterwards, and
+    nothing comes of it. Whichever side wins, the old flag floats
+    in the wind as gaily and as prosperously as ever."</p>
+
+    <p>"And yet I was certainly told that the sun of England had
+    set never to rise again," persisted the Aboriginal, who seemed
+    to be of an obstinate turn of mind. "Now I remember&mdash;the
+    cause was something to do with Diamonds and Henley. Stay, the
+    bright brains of the nation had disappeared. I recollect, the
+    Diamond Sculls of the nation (once so great) had passed to
+    foreigners."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, now I take your meaning." said the National
+    Representative, with a smile, "and you must have heard of the
+    result of the race for the Diamond Sculls at Henley."</p>
+
+    <p>"That must be it," acquiesced the New-Zealander. "I had
+    forgotten to take into account possible errors in transmission.
+    But tell me, has there been a national defeat?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, yes," admitted <i>Mr. Punch</i>, with a
+    sigh&mdash;"we did not come out altogether satisfactorily. Even
+    the second man was a Frenchman&mdash;albeit, his name was
+    suggestive of dear old Scotland."</p>
+
+    <p>"And do you mean to say," said the New-Zealander, "that the
+    best scullers of England were beaten by a boating-man from the
+    Seine?"</p>
+
+    <p>"It is too true, and the Frenchman himself succumbed to a
+    Dutchman&mdash;yes, we confess it, and with shame."</p>
+
+    <p>"I don't see why you should," returned the other, changing
+    his tone to one of greater satisfaction. "As a New-Zealander, I
+    observe nothing degrading in the superiority of Old Holland."
+    And considering the prowess of VAN TROMP in the past, there was
+    perhaps nothing so strange in the triumph of OOMS in the
+    present.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>"TO PAY OR NOT TO PAY, THAT IS THE BISLEYNESS."</h2>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;I see that the receipts of the
+    National Rifle Association have fallen off, and that there is a
+    proposal to make the Bisley Meeting this year rather more
+    attractive than its predecessors. The Camp is to be open, and
+    there are to be Concerts and other distractions. But is this
+    enough? Once confess that Rifle-shooting is not the sole
+    business of the gathering, and the way is cleared for more
+    amusing items. All that is wanted to convert a semi-failure
+    into a triumphant success, is a Manager who could combine
+    entertainment with instruction, thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>6 A.M.&mdash;Gun-fire. The Camp awakes, and, to the music of
+    the band, gets up. Reserved seats in band-enclosure, sixpence
+    extra.</p>
+
+    <p>7 A.M.&mdash;Balloon Ascent. Firing at the sun with
+    revolvers by trained aëronauts. Seats in parachutes, five
+    shillings a-piece.</p>
+
+    <p>8 A.M.&mdash;Early performance of BUFFALO BILL before his
+    departure for Earl's Court. Prices as usual.</p>
+
+    <p>9 A.M.&mdash;Sham Fight, augmented by Menagerie from
+    Travelling Circus. Cards to visit the stables,
+    half-a-crown.</p>
+
+    <p>10 A.M.&mdash;Representation of Siege Scene from Venice in
+    London, under the title of "The Bridge of Sighs within
+    measuring distance of Woking Cemetery." Season tickets,
+    half-a-guinea.</p>
+
+    <p>11 A.M.&mdash;Performance of the Battle of Waterloo by
+    veterans, late of Astley's Theatre. Families and schools
+    half-price.</p>
+
+    <p>12 NOON.&mdash;Visit of Royalty, and Presentation of Purses.
+    No Purse accepted containing less than two pounds ten.</p>
+
+    <p>1 P.M.&mdash;Grand Luncheon, with speeches by the leading
+    Military Authorities, followed by a Smoking Concert.
+    One-and-sixpence.</p>
+
+    <p>2 P.M.&mdash;Variety Show, including several of the best
+    Lion Comiques, and the astounding performances of the Bounding
+    Brothers of Bohemia. Stalls, ten shillings. Soldiers in uniform
+    admitted at a considerable reduction.</p>
+
+    <p>3 P.M.&mdash;Cricket Match between the famous Clown Eleven
+    <i>versus</i> the Ladies' Sixteen. Grand Stand,
+    three-and-six.</p>
+
+    <p>4 P.M.&mdash;Comic Carnival, entitled, "Rollicksome
+    Riflemen, or the Vicissitudes of the Volunteers." Reserved
+    Seats, ninepence.</p>
+
+    <p>There, my dear Sir, I think I have written enough. If there
+    was any time to spare, the shooting programme might still be
+    carried out; but business is business, and only by the means I
+    have indicated (in my opinion) can Bisley be made to pay.
+    Trusting that my suggestion may be accepted in the spirit in
+    which it is offered, I remain,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours truly,<br />
+    DIVIDEND BEFORE DEFENCE.<br />
+    <i>The Money Grubberies, the Twenty of
+    Shillingsworth-in-the-Pound.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22"
+       id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span>
+
+    <h2>ON THE THRESHOLD OF THEMIS.</h2>
+
+    <center>
+        (<i>A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the
+        very next "Cause Célèbre" that may have the good fortune to
+        enlist the sympathies of the British Public.</i>)
+    </center>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>A Corridor outside the Courts
+        appropriated to the Common Law Division of the High Court
+        of Justice. At each of the doors of the Court where the
+        Great Trial of</i> Arkass <i>v.</i> Arkass and
+        Ambo&mdash;<i>which abounds in "scandalous revelations in
+        High Life"&mdash;is proceeding, a group of would-be
+        auditors has collected, waiting with the patience of
+        respectable Peris for a chance of admission to the forensic
+        Paradise within. The Paradise, at present, is full to
+        overflowing, and the doors are guarded by a couple of
+        particularly stern and stolid attendants. Each Peri is
+        trying to wear out the endurance of the rest, and to
+        propitiate the doorkeepers by exemplary behaviour.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/22.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/22.png"
+             alt="No&mdash;but look &lt;i&gt;here&lt;/i&gt;. I &lt;i&gt;know&lt;/i&gt; the Criminals." />
+        </a>No&mdash;but look <i>here</i>. I <i>know</i> the
+        Criminals.
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>A Meek Man</i> (<i>to</i> Doorkeeper, <i>after
+        standing in hopeful silence for three-quarters of an
+        hour</i>). I suppose there'll be a chance of getting in
+        presently, eh?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Doorkeeper</i> (<i>placidly</i>). None whatever,
+        Sir.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> But they'll be rising for luncheon in an
+        hour or so, and some will be coming out then, surely?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> Not many; them as <i>are</i> in stays in,
+        mostly.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>with a sudden recollection that he
+        is acquainted with one of the Counsel engaged in the
+        case</i>). Couldn't you take in my card to Mr. TANFIELD?
+        I'm sure he'll do anything he could for me.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The rest regard him with extreme disfavour, as one
+        guilty of unsportsmanlike behaviour.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> It won't be no use&mdash;there ain't room
+        in there as it is for a billiard-cue&mdash;leastwise
+        (<i>conscientiously</i>), a stoutish one&mdash;but I'll get
+        it taken in for you, if you <i>like</i>.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He opens the door a very little, and passes the card
+        to an attendant within.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Junior Members of the Junior Bar</i> (<i>in very
+        clean white wigs, with hauteur</i>). Thought you had orders
+        to let Counsel in before the general public? There
+        <i>ought</i> to be some rule about that, if there
+        isn't.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> So we do, Sir; but if this gentleman's a
+        friend of Mr. TANFIELD's, and he <i>arsks</i> me to admit
+        him, why you see&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>Junior Junior</i> (<i>witheringly</i>). The
+        convenience of mere Members of the <i>Bar</i> must give
+        way, naturally!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The inside Attendant returns with card, which
+        the</i> Doorkeeper <i>unlocks the door to receive, and then
+        shuts it to with a sharp click, like a
+        wild-beast-tamer.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>to the</i> M.M., <i>after perusing
+        card by the dim light</i>). I <i>told</i> you it wouldn't
+        be no use, Sir. "Please wait," it says.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>General movement of virtuous satisfaction at this
+        well-merited rebuke.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>wishing he had not put his trust
+        in</i> TANFIELD). I&mdash;I <i>have</i> waited&mdash;but it
+        don't matter. (<i>Addressing First White Wig, from a timid
+        social impulse</i>). The&mdash;er&mdash;Plaintiff made some
+        remarkable admissions in the box yesterday&mdash;his
+        cross-examination seemed pretty severe.</p>
+
+        <p><i>First White Wig</i> (<i>after a stare at his
+        audacity</i>). Cross-examination not unfrequently
+        <i>is</i>. (<i>To the other</i> W.W.) See that
+        extraordinary decision of old JUBBER's in <i>Biling</i> v.
+        <i>Bulgin</i>? Of course they'll appeal!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The couple converse in highly technical terms for
+        some minutes.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>at the next pause</i>). It struck me
+        that Colonel ARKASS rather contradicted himself on one or
+        two points.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second W.W.</i> Very likely. (<i>To First</i> W.W.)
+        What do <i>you</i> do when you're before one of these
+        confounded Common Law Judges, and see he's looking up a
+        point of Equity in a text-book during your argument? Do you
+        wait for him?</p>
+
+        <p><i>First W.W.</i> (<i>with all the decision of a Counsel
+        who was called the Term before last</i>). Wait for him?
+        No&mdash;go on talking about anything you like, till he's
+        ready to listen to you again. That's what <i>I</i> always
+        do!</p>
+
+        <p><i>An Important Stranger</i> (<i>bustling up; to</i>
+        Doorkeepers). Here, I say, let <i>me</i> in, will you!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> You a Witness in this case, Sir?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Imp. S.</i> (<i>after a tell-tale pause</i>).
+        Er&mdash;yes&mdash;in a sort of way, y'know.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> Then <i>your</i> entrance is down below,
+        Sir, in the Central 'All&mdash;you'll see it written up
+        there.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The I.S.</i> Haw&mdash;well, I'm not <i>exactly</i> a
+        witness, but I'm interested in the case, y'know.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> So are all these Gentlemen, Sir&mdash;but
+        they can't get in.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The I.S.</i> No&mdash;but look <i>here</i>. I
+        <i>know</i> the criminals&mdash;'tleast I don't mean to
+        call 'em <i>that</i>, y'know&mdash;hope they're all
+        innocent, I'm sure. I like 'em all; <i>danced</i> with 'em,
+        and all that, lots of times.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> Ah, well, you see they ain't dancin'
+        to-day, Sir. (<i>The</i> I.S. <i>bustles away; there is a
+        stir within; the portion of the crowd in Court that is
+        visible through the glass-doors heaves convulsively, and
+        presently produces a stout and struggling Q.C.</i>). Make
+        way there! Stand aside, gentlemen, please. Counsel coming
+        out!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[Q.C. <i>comes out, puffing, followed by his Clerk and a
+        Client.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First W.W.</i> (<i>as the chasm in the crowd closes
+        again</i>). <i>Now</i> you can let us in!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>stolidly</i>). Not yet, Sir. (<i>To
+        other</i> Doork.) I see that party agen last
+        night&mdash;<i>you</i> know&mdash;him as was here making
+        all that shindy day afore yesterday. I went and 'ad a drink
+        with 'im.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Doork.</i> (<i>interested</i>). Ah, and 'ow
+        <i>was</i> he?</p>
+
+        <p><i>First Doork.</i> Oh, same as usual&mdash;boozed. Told
+        me he'd come up from Glasgow for a week's spree&mdash;and
+        he seems to be <i>'aving</i> it, too. Going 'ome Saturday,
+        so he sez.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Second Doork.</i> (<i>grimly</i>). He'll be lucky if
+        he gets there Saturday fortnight!</p>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page23"
+       id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/23.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/23.png"
+             alt="IN HIS CLUTCHES." /></a>
+
+        <h3>IN HIS CLUTCHES.</h3>"WHAT A DAY OI'M HAVIN'! BEGORRA,
+        OI'VE GOT 'EM BOILIN' ON BOTH SOIDES AV THE ATLANTIC AT THE
+        SAME TOIME!"
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page24"
+       id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Murmurs</i> (<i>from the lucky Peris who can just see
+        the witness-box through the glass panel</i>). Who's that in
+        the box? That's Colonel ARKASS&mdash;finishing his
+        cross-examination.... Doesn't seem to be enjoying
+        himself.... See how he's tugging at his moustache.... Got a
+        nasty one just then, I expect.... I'd as soon believe 'im
+        as I would 'er&mdash;<i>now</i>.... She ain't been in the
+        <i>box</i> yet.... No, but she's a reg'lar bad lot, from
+        what was said in the opening speech. They won't change my
+        opinion of <i>'er</i>, whichever way the case goes! Well, I
+        'aven't followed it closely myself.... Oh, no more have
+        I&mdash;but still I've made up <i>my</i> mind long ago
+        about it, (&amp;c., &amp;c.)</p>
+
+        <p><i>The I.S.</i> (<i>suddenly returning, indignant</i>).
+        I say, they're letting in all <i>sorts</i> of
+        people&mdash;barristers, and so on&mdash;at that
+        <i>other</i> door!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> Can't 'elp that, Sir; <i>this</i> ain't
+        the other door&mdash;you should speak to <i>them</i> about
+        it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The I.S.</i> (<i>naïvely</i>). Well, I
+        <i>have</i>&mdash;and they told me to come here!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>General snigger, amidst which he departs in
+        disgust.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>A Small Office-Boy</i> (<i>with a strip of paper,
+        tied with red tape</i>). Kin I see Sir HALFRID ALLABYE a
+        moment?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> Sir ALFRED ain't in this Court&mdash;he's
+        engaged in another case.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The O.B.</i> 'Is Clurk'll do&mdash;it's 'ighly
+        important&mdash;you better lemme <i>in</i>, I tell yer!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> Send in a message for yer, if that'll do.
+        (<i>The</i> O.B. <i>says it doesn't signify, and
+        bolts.</i>) Young Artful! thinks he'll sneak in, and spend
+        his dinner-hour there&mdash;but he <i>don't</i>!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>who has been examining his card
+        under a gaslight</i>). I say, I've just found out that it
+        wasn't "Please <i>wait</i>" that Mr. TANFIELD wrote on my
+        card&mdash;it's "Please <i>Admit</i>!"</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>A general titter of incredulity.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First W.W.</i> (<i>to Second</i> W.W.).
+        Ingenious&mdash;but a trifle transparent that, eh?</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>His friend smiles knowingly.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The M.M.</i> (<i>roused</i>). Do you mean to suggest
+        that I&mdash;</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He chokes.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>First W.W.</i> Oh, not at all&mdash;I was speaking to
+        my friend here. But you really must allow that, if any
+        preference is shown at all, it should be
+        given&mdash;equitably, and of right&mdash;to Members of the
+        Bar!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Chorus from the other Peris.</i> Yes, they've stood
+        here nearly as long as you have. You must wait your turn,
+        like the rest of us! No preferences <i>'ere</i>! We've got
+        as much right to go in as you.... If Mr. TANFIELD wants you
+        admitted over our heads, let him come and let you in
+        himself! If <i>any</i> one goes in first, it ought to be
+        Barristers! (&amp;c., &amp;c.)</p>
+
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>impartially</i>). Well, it ain't o'
+        much consequence, Gentlemen, for I can't let <i>none</i> of
+        you in at present!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>The</i> M.M. <i>simmers with suppressed rage;
+        wonders if it is worth while to mention that he happens to
+        be a Barrister himself, and wishes to enter for the serious
+        and legitimate purpose of collecting material for an Essay
+        he is contributing on "The Abuse of Cross-Examination" to
+        the "Nineteenth Century." On reflection, he thinks he had
+        better not.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Doork.</i> (<i>as the crowd in Court is again
+        convulsed</i>). Clear the way there! Court
+        rising&mdash;Counsel coming out! Ah, this <i>is</i> Mr.
+        TANFIELD.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Peris</i> (<i>White Wigs and all</i>). Now we
+        shall <i>see</i>!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They regard the</i> M.M. <i>with anticipatory
+        triumph.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. Tanfield</i> (<i>passing out, and recognising
+        the</i> M.M.). Why, my dear MUTTON, won't they let you in?
+        Here, come along with me!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He passes his arm through the</i> M.M.'s, <i>walks
+        with him to the other door, murmurs a request for his
+        admission, and the next moment the</i> M.M. <i>is safe in
+        the haven of his desire.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The other Peris</i> (<i>looking after him
+        enviously</i>). Well, of all the brazen impudence!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They are swept aside by the current of emerging
+        Counsel, Spectators, &amp;c. and re-assemble, to find the
+        doors as pitilessly closed against them as ever. The</i>
+        White Wigs <i>threaten to write to the "Law Times" on the
+        subject, and are regarded with admiration by the rest as
+        Champions of Popular Rights.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/24-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/24-1.png"
+             alt="OLD TIMES REVIVED." /></a>
+
+        <h3>OLD TIMES REVIVED.</h3><i>Portrait of Candidate making
+        his Third Speech on same day.</i>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RACINE, WITH THE CHILL OFF.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/24-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/24-2.png"
+             alt="On his Hobby." /></a>On his Hobby.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Baffled by official prudery in the production of his poetic
+    episode from Holy Writ, yet resolved that the names of SARAH
+    and OSCAR shall be bracketted together on the muster-roll of
+    genius, Mr. WILDE has undertaken to re-write RACINE's
+    <i>Phèdre</i> for that distinguished actress. In his version
+    the smoothly-chaste and insipidly-correct verses which our
+    grandmothers learnt to recite, and our grandfathers pretended
+    to admire on the lips of the classic RACHEL, will give place to
+    the school of BAUDELAIRE and VALLES. We have been fortunate in
+    obtaining an <i>échantillon</i> of this great work.</p>
+
+    <h4>ACTE I., SCENE 3. <i>Phèdre, Oenone.</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Phèdre.</i> Je me meurs d'ennuie. Mon éventail,
+            et vite!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Oenone.</i> Madame, je devine votre mal. Vous
+            aimez HIPPOLYTE!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Phèdre.</i> HIPPOLYTE! Imbécile, ce que j'aime
+            est le vice,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">La rime sans raison, l'audace,
+            l'immondice,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">L'horrible, l'eccentrique, le
+            sens-dessus-dessous,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">La fanfaronnade, la réclame, le sang, et
+            la boue;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">La bave fétide des bouches
+            empoisonnées;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">L'horreur, le meurtre, et le
+            "ta-ra-boum-de-ay!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Crois-tu que pour HIPPOLYTE j'ai le
+            moindre estime?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Du tout! C'est mon beau fils, et l'aimer
+            est un crime,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">C'est un fat odieux, OENONE. Homme je le
+            déteste,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Mais comme fils de mon mari l'aimer c'est
+            l'in&mdash;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Oenone.</i> Peste!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Que veut dire Madame?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Phèdre.</i> L'inconnu
+            l'inconvenable.<a id="footnotetag2"
+               name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Tu me coupe la parole d'une façon
+            exécrable&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Le vice, OENONE, sais-tu ce que c'est que
+            le vice?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Que la rose n'est pas rose avant qu'elle
+            pourrisse?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Esprit terre-à-terre, âme bornée
+            d'épicier,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Non, tu ne les connais pas, les délices
+            du fumier.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Tu ne sais pas trouver tes étoiles dans
+            l'égout,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Tes ivresses dans la fange, ton amour
+            dans la boue.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Oenone.</i> Madame radote. C'est Vénus à sa proie
+            attachée.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Phèdre.</i> Vénus fin de siècle, qui se nomme
+            Astarté,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Diablesse gigantesque, aux boyaux
+            d'airain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Trou rouge où l'on jette des monceaux
+            d'êtres humains.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Grille de fer où la chair fume, les
+            cheveux pétillent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Choses claires qui noircissent, sombres
+            choses qui brillent,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Choses qu'on aime le plus pour ce
+            qu'elles n'existent pas,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Choses basses qui s'élèvent, hautes
+            choses qu'on mettent bas,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Paradis de paradoxes&mdash;</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>This brief sample of Mr. WILDE's muse may be less erudite
+    than the play tabooed by the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, and may show a
+    bolder disregard of the stringent laws which govern French
+    versification; but it is assuredly in harmony with the spirit
+    of the age, and goes far to bring RACINE up to date.</p>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote2"
+                    name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>The fact that this word is not to be found in the
+        dictionary must be set down as the fault of the language
+        rather than of the poet. If "convenable," why not
+        "inconvenable"?</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume
+103, July 16, 1892, by Various
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103,
+July 16, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 103, July 16, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14846]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 103.
+
+
+
+July 16, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+TO THE FIRST BATHING-MACHINE.
+
+(_AFTER WORDSWORTH._)
+
+  O blank new-comer! I have seen,
+    I see thee with a start:
+  So gentle looking a Machine,
+    Infernal one thou art!
+
+  When first the sun feels rather hot,
+    Or even rather warm,
+  From some dim, hibernating spot
+    Rolls forth thy clumsy form.
+
+  Perhaps thou babblest to the sea
+    Of sunshine and of flowers;
+  Thou bringest but a thought to me
+    Of such bad quarter hours.
+
+  I, grasping tightly, pale with fear,
+    Thy very narrow bench,
+  Thou, bounding on in wild career,
+    All shake, and jolt, and wrench.
+
+  Till comes an unexpected stop;
+    My forehead hits the door,
+  And I, with cataclysmic flop,
+    Lie on thy sandy floor.
+
+  Then, dressed in Nature's simplest style,
+    I, blushing, venture out;
+  And find the sea is still a mile
+    Away, or thereabout.
+
+  Blithe little children on the sand
+    Laugh out with childish glee;
+  Their nurses, sitting near at hand,
+    All giggling, stare at me.
+
+  Unnerved, unwashed, I rush again
+    Within thy tranquil shade,
+  And wait until the rising main
+    Shall banish child and maid.
+
+  Thy doors I dare not open now,
+    Thy windows give no view;
+  'Tis late; I will not bathe, I vow:
+    I dress myself anew.
+
+  Set wide the door. All round is sea!
+    "Hold tight, Sir!" voices call,
+  And in the water, jerked from thee,
+    I tumble, clothes and all!
+
+  O blessed thing! this earth we pace
+    Thy haunt should never be,
+  A quite unmentionable place
+    That is fit home for thee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
+
+_Brilliant Elector_ (_at the Polling Station_). "IT'S A STOUTISH
+KOIND OF A MAN, WITH A BALD 'EAD, AS AR WISHES TO VOTE FOR, BUT AR 'M
+BLESSED IF AR KNOW 'IS NAAeME!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.
+
+NO. III.
+
+It is with the greatest possible pleasure that _Mr. Punch_ presents
+to his readers the following example of the New Poetry. It is taken
+from a collection entitled "_Rhymes of the Ropes_" These Rhymes are
+intended to illustrate the everyday life of the British prize-fighter,
+his simple joys, his manly sorrows, his conversational excellences,
+and his indomitable pluck. The author has never been a prize-fighter
+himself, but he claims for these Rhymes the merit of absolute truth
+in every detail. In any case it is quite certain that every critic
+who reviews the volume will say of it, that no previous book has
+ever presented to us, with such complete fidelity, the British
+prize-fighter as he lives and moves, and has his being--not the gaudy,
+over-dressed and over-jewelled creature whom the imagination of the
+public pictures as haunting the giddy palaces of pleasure, and adored
+by the fairest of the fair, but the rough, uncouth, simple creature
+to whom we Britons owe our reputation for pluck and stamina. How the
+critic knows this, never having been a prize-fighter himself, and
+never having associated with them, is a question which it might be
+difficult to answer. But, nevertheless, the critic will guarantee the
+"_Rhymes of the Ropes_."
+
+If some of _Mr. Punch's_ readers, while recognising the force and go
+of the lines, shall think them _tant soit peu_ coarse and brutal, the
+fault must not be ascribed to _Mr. Punch_, but to the brilliant young
+author. Moreover, _Mr. Punch_ begs leave to say, that squeamishness
+of that kind is becoming more and more absurd every day under the
+influence of the New Poetry and its professors. Here then is--
+
+KNOCKED OUT.
+
+BY MR. R*D**RD K*PL*NG.
+
+  Oh it's bully when I land 'em with a counter on the jaw,
+  When the ruby's all a drippin' and the conks are red and raw;
+  And it's bully when I've downed 'em, and the lords are standin'
+          booze,
+  Them lords with shiny shirt-fronts, and their patent-leather shoes.
+        But you'd best look jolly meek
+        When you're up afore the beak,
+  For they hustle you, and bustle you, and treat you like a dog.
+        And its 'Olloway for you
+        For a month or may be two,
+  Where the Widow keeps a mansion and purvides you with your prog.
+
+  It was 'ero 'ere and 'ero there, I might 'ave been a King,
+  For to 'ear 'em 'ip 'urraying as I stepped into the ring,
+  When I faced the Tipton Slasher, me and 'im in four-ounce gloves,
+  Just to make us look as 'armless as a pair o' bloomin' doves.
+        Then I bruises 'im and batters,
+        And 'e cuts my lips to tatters,
+  And I gives 'im 'alf a dozen where 'is peepers ought to be.
+        And 'e flattens out my nose
+        With a brace of bally blows,
+  Which I 'ardly 'ad expected from a pug as couldn't see.
+
+  Next round the Slasher's groggy, 'e 'angs 'is 'ands and gropes
+  (I'd knocked him orf 'is legs at last) a-feelin' for the ropes.
+  And, lor, 'e looked so cheerful with 'is face a mask of red
+  That I bust myself with laughin' when I bashed 'im on the 'ead.
+        Then they counted up to ten,
+        But 'e couldn't rise again;
+  'E gasped a bit, and puffed a bit, and laid there in a 'eap.
+        And I copped a thousand pounds
+        For a fight of seven rounds,
+  Which was all the time it took me for to put my man to sleep.
+
+  Ah, the soft uns call it brutal; there's Mr. H.P. COBB,
+  And 'is talk, which isn't pretty, about ruffians (meanin' us).
+  I'd like to tap _'is_ claret when 'e's up and on the job,
+  And send 'im 'ome a 'owlin' to 'is mammy or 'is nuss.
+        But I'd rather take the chuck
+        For a show of British pluck,
+  And do my month in chockee, and eat my skilly free;
+        And I'll leave the curs to snivel
+        With their 'Ouse o' Commons drivel,
+  Which may suit a pack of jaw-pots, but, by gosh, it don't suit me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What I suffer from, at this time of year, when I go into the
+country," says Mrs. R., "is 'Flybites.'" She pronounced it as a word
+of three syllables, and then added, "I rather think the learned way of
+spelling it is 'Phlybites.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORIOLANUS.
+
+  "I WOULD HE HAD CONTINU'D TO HIS COUNTRY
+  AS HE BEGAN, AND NOT UNKNIT, HIMSELF,
+  THE NOBLE KNOT HE MADE."--_Coriolanus_, Act. IV., Scene 2.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENGENIOUS IDEA.
+
+_Early Visitor._ "WHY, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MATHILDE,--TURNING
+YOUR BOUDOIR INTO A POULTRY YARD?"
+
+_Mathilde._ "WELL, MY DEAR, AS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO RELY ON GETTING
+NEW-LAID EGGS IN TOWN, I HAVE HAD MY PET COCHIN-CHINA UP FROM THE
+COUNTRY, AND SHE IS THOROUGHLY TO BE TRUSTED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CORIOLANUS.
+
+  "I would he had continu'd to his country
+  As he began, and not unknit, himself,
+  The noble knot he made."
+
+_Coriolanus_, Act IV., Scene 2.
+
+"His Majesty discriminates between the Prince BISMARCK of former
+times, and of to-day, and is anxious that his Government should avoid
+everything which might tend to diminish, in the eyes of the German
+nation, the familiar figure of its greatest Statesman."--_Instructions
+to Imperial German Representatives abroad:_--
+
+  Can this be he who "At the Gates"[1]
+    Of Janus' Temple stood of old,
+    Protective, vigilant, and bold,
+  As one who calmly dares--and waits?
+
+  "_So fancy limns him, who'll not cease
+    To watch o'er what his brain upbuilt_,"
+    _Punch_ sang. And now he lifts the hilt,
+  Warlike, against a Patriot Peace.
+
+  Calm warder then, challenger now.
+    The tower he reared would he attack,
+    Because--they have not called him back
+  Like CINCINNATUS from the plough?
+
+  "The wounds that he doth bear for Rome,"
+    Should speak wide-lipped against the change.
+    The new _Coriolanus_! Strange,
+  So great a past to _this_ should come!
+
+  The imperious Roman, banished, bared
+    Against Rome's walls a traitor blade.
+    But _you_--revenge is scarce your trade,
+  Hero, in faction's mazes snared.
+
+  The shirt of Nessus poisoned not,
+    Nor angered Hercules as you
+    Seem angered, poisoned. Yet you knew
+  On ARNIM's shield to bare the blot.
+
+  What should it say, Count HARRY's ghost,
+    Could it beside your couch appear,
+    And whisper in his foeman's ear?
+  Share you not that which shamed him most?
+
+  _You_ flaunt the Press against the Throne?
+    _You_ bare State secrets to the crowd?
+    You who against the Mob were loud,
+  With mockery MARCIUS well might own?
+
+  It doth not fit a splendid past.
+    The Sentinel in arms arrayed
+    Against the Citadel, a shade
+  Of gloom o'er glory's sheen will cast.
+
+  The illustrious name of BISMARCK blot
+    With no such treason as could dim
+    The Roman's glory, nor, like him.
+  Yourself unknit _your_ "noble knot"!
+
+[Footnote 1: _See_ Cartoon "At the Gates," p. 151, vol. 85, year
+1883.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THAT DUTCHMAN OOMS.
+
+AIR--"_THE ADMIRAL'S BROOM_."
+
+    [J.J.K. OOMS, an amateur sculler from Amsterdam, won easily
+    the "Diamond Sculls" at Henley this year, beating V. NICKALS,
+    and others of our crack oars.]
+
+  Oh, OOMS was a champion brave and bold,
+    The Dutchman's pride was he;
+  And he cried, "I can row on the Thames, I know,
+    As well as the Zuyder Zee,
+            As well as the Zuyder Zee!"
+  And as his boat he set afloat,
+    And looked o'er the Henley tide,
+  He saw all England taking note,
+    And he trimmed his sculls and cried:--(_Bis._)
+      "I'll win those 'Sculls!'" said he,
+      "The 'Diamond Sculls' for me!
+  That the world may know, wherever I go
+  Thames yields to the Zuyder Zee!" (_Bis._)
+
+  Cried JOHN BULL, "Here! You Dutchman queer.
+    To-day you must row with me;
+  For while I ride Thames' silver tide,
+    I'll be second to none," said he;
+        "I'll be second to none," said he.
+  So they blazed away at that Dutchman gay,
+    Stout NICKALS, brave BOYD, and all--
+  _But_ the Dutchman's ship our best did whip,
+    And BULL cried to his merry men all, (_bis_)
+      "We're whipped, boys, for once," said he,
+      "It's a whip that's a licker to me."
+  Right well OOMS pulls, and the 'Diamond Sculls'
+      Are gone to the Zuyder Zee!
+      VAN TROMP with his broom made free,
+      But this OOMS has "swept" Hen-ley.
+  Here's his health! But oh! those Sculls, you know,
+    Must come back from the Zuyder Zee."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME COMFORT.--Harrow beat Eton at Lords' last week. The Etonians have
+some consolation in the fact of the Head-Master of Harrow being an
+Etonian. Without doing violence to their feelings, they can simply
+pronounce the Head-Master's name, and say, "_Well done, Harrow!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW READING OF AN OLD GREEK PROVERB (_by a disappointed Author, whose
+Work has been recently cut up in the Press_).--"[Greek: Kretai aei
+Pseustai]." _I.e._, "Critics are always liars."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
+
+_Gladstonian Dentist_ (_to Tory Patient_). "I HAVE THE MOST PROFOUND
+ADMIRATION--MOUTH A LITTLE MORE OPEN, THANKS--FOR THAT GREAT MAN,
+GLADSTONE,--AND IT WAS ONLY LAST WEEK--&c. &c. &c."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE FLY-LEAF OF AN OLD BOOK.
+
+  It's long been loose; at last it's quite
+  Come out--the very thing to write
+  My laundry list on. Think what might
+            Have been upon it!
+  Some lines by GOLDSMITH, neatly planned,
+  A verse by BYRON, mighty grand,
+  Or even, penned by SHAKSPEARE's hand,
+            A song or sonnet;
+
+  DA VINCI might have made a sketch,
+  Or REMBRANDT drawn a head to etch,
+  Or TURNER dashed some tints--'twould fetch
+            A thousand guineas.
+  Here might have been some notes, compiled
+  By IBSEN, MAETERLINCK, or WILDE,
+  On how some writers have beguiled
+            Some simple ninnies;
+
+  Some words on Cooks, by RANDOLPH C.,
+  Or Greek Home Rule, by Grand Old G.,
+  Some Irish notes by A.J.B.,
+            A cheque from DILLON.
+  How useless now to think what might
+  Have been, for I have blacked the white!
+  It is not even fit to write
+            A washing-bill on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHURCH AND BOOTH.--The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was recently a guest
+at the Munching House on the occasion of an Undenominational Banquet.
+His Grace, in a post-prandial speech, observed that the Salvation
+Army came "fluting" among us, but he thought that the Army's success
+would be as "fleeting" as it was "fluting." Neat this for his
+Grace-after-dinner. This was a nice after-dinner way of giving
+"_caviare_ to the General." No "laughter" appears to have followed,
+so the _caviare_ was not generally taken.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY NOTE AND QUERY.--First volume of _Tacitus_ translated into
+English by A.W. QUILL. Judging from a review in the _Times_ of this
+instalment, it is the work of neither a soft nor hard Quill, but
+a medium Quill. With such a suggestive name, this author will show
+himself a Goose Quill if he does not at once turn his attention to
+the History of PENN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+[Illustration: (Lady Gay.)]
+
+_The Bobolink, Henley._
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+The Election at Sheepsdoor being regarded as a "moral" for our
+Candidate--(what a delightful change from the _im-moral_ way in which
+elections _used_ to be conducted!)--I felt it was safe for me to
+wing my flight to fresh scenes and pastures new!--not that I wanted
+any "new pastures," having been a _grass_-widow for some time;--but
+having had enough of the "rolling billow"--(by the way, the rolling
+"_Billow_" at Stockbridge didn't roll fast enough)--I yearned for the
+silvery smoothness of Father Thames, so started for Henley with my
+faithful _Eulalie_--(I really must change her name, it sounds like
+a Swiss joedel); but, oh! my goodness!--talk about _billows_--the
+Channel passage is a fool to what we found at Henley! Waves mountain
+high!--(This of course is an exaggeration, but I've read it so often
+in sea-novels, that I've almost come to believe it possible--it would
+be nearer the truth, as dear Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM would pronounce it, I
+fancy--waves "mounting high.") I had to sit all day on the roof of the
+_Bobolink_, with a lifebelt or _something_ round my waist!--and having
+made me acquaintance of a sweet youth who could swim, I implored him
+not to leave me!--and he didn't--the whole day long. Ah! he was _very_
+nice!--I need not tell you I didn't notice the racing _much_, but I
+did take an interest in _two_ of the contests; viz.--(I don't know
+what "viz." means--but I _do_ know I am using it correctly)--The
+Diamond Sculls, and The Ladies' Challenge. The Diamonds were
+walked off, or rowed off to Holland--(great place, I'm told, for
+diamonds)--by Mr. K. OOMS (who evidently "kooms" of an athletic
+stock), amid the generous cheers of our defeated Englishmen! The
+other--and naturally, from its title, the most important event--was
+competed for by two boat-loads from Cambridge University--_Crews_,
+I believe, they call them, but I always thought it was a sign of
+contempt to allude to any party of people as "a crew." However
+that may be, I was informed that "First Trinity had carried off the
+Ladies!" (just as if they were a pack of Sabine women), and I suppose
+it was true; though, in counting up the Ladies in sight, I only missed
+_one_--and she, I found, had fallen into the river, and been gallantly
+rescued by a spectator, who, I presume, was determined to have _his_
+share, in spite of the First Trinity Men!
+
+Back to town, after all was over on Thursday, to find everybody
+wild with "election fever." A large group surrounding the "tape" at
+the Club (I belong to the "Amazon," of course), and ordering lemon
+squashes when a seat was lost, and whiskey and seltzer when the
+reverse was the case! Oh, this Election! Thank goodness, I'm off to
+Newmarket, to spend the week with Sir NEWMAN and Lady GATESHEAD, with
+a distinct feeling of relief at getting back to business after this
+fortnight of exciting relaxation!
+
+Next week's racing furnishes quite a lengthy _menu_, with several
+attractive _entrees_, and some good "made-up-overnight" dishes; in
+fact, a programme which appeals strongly to every racy palate. I do
+not propose to work my way through the entire _menu_ (not being an
+Alderman), and will only hint at a few of the side-dishes, which
+may be worth attention reserving my great effort for the "_plat de
+resistance_" at Sandown; so, at Newmarket--try just a mouthful of July
+Handicap _a la_ Duke of DEVONSHIRE's "Selected;" should it choke you,
+have a pat on the "Bach" when attacking the Beaufort _Stakes_; and to
+wind up with dessert, worthy of a CHESTERFIELD, take a "Meddler." If
+this conglomeration of good things is not too much for you, travel
+back to town in time for the great race of the week; but, _if_ upset,
+don't blame,
+
+Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.
+
+"ECLIPSE STAKES SELECTION."
+
+  With _Gouverneur_, _Orme_, and such giants to run,
+    It needs the cool calm of a PLATO
+  To fix on the horse that will "capture the bun!"
+    But I think it will be "_Orvieto_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+[Illustration: Fancy Sketch for a Brazen Statue of a Composer notable
+for his "Horns and Brass."]
+
+_Tuesday._--_Premiere_ of _Elaine_. BEMBERG Composer, LEON-JEHIN
+Conductor, and Sir DRURIOLANUS Producer. Full House, determined to
+give New Opera a fair hearing, and sit it out. Don't get a new Opera
+every day. Congratulations to BEMBERG in a general way. "In a first
+Opera" (if this be his first), to quote the Composer of the recent
+De-La-ra-Boom Buddha, who was complacently listening to the other
+Composer's new Opera, "originality breeds contempt." So a little
+bit here, and a little bit there, here a bit, and there a bit, and
+everywhere a bit, gets rid of all superfluity in the Composer's
+brain, and saves the listening critic much trouble. Then his next
+Opera--Ah!--_that_ ought to be all genuinely new and original
+Sparkling BEMBERG Cabinet. "_Elaine_," observed a lady critic,
+"is graceful and airy"--which, in the lady's presence, the present
+listener was not prepared to deny.
+
+Contented must have been Composer BEMBERG with such a cast as was made
+and provided for him by Sir DRURIOLANUS. MELBA, as the "Lily Maid of
+Astolat," charming, with a charming song, "_L'Amour est pur_." The
+audience was in an encoring humour, but, thank goodness, only a few
+encores were taken, and the others left, otherwise none of us would
+have been home till sunrise. In the swan-like dying scene the Composer
+wrings our heart-strings with his harp-strings, reminding everyone
+forcibly that, as _Mr. Guppy_ observed, "There _are_ chords!"
+Wagnerian, sometimes, is our BEMBERG, with his horns and brass. Fine
+chorus at beginning of Act II.--the Tournament Act--which shows, as
+a foolish person observed, "a Rummy lot at Camelot." At end of Third
+Act MELBA and JEAN DE RESZKE (who must have joined the Salvation
+Army, as he was, apparently, "saving himself" all the evening) were
+enthusiastically called. Engaged in curtseying her thanks, MELBA
+didn't notice--as, how should she?--property steps behind her, on
+which, at about her tenth curtsey, she suddenly sat down about two
+seconds before she could possibly realise that there was any chance of
+sitting down. But JEAN LAUNCELOT DE RESZKE was there, and rescued her!
+Good Knight! JEAN DE RESCUE! Then EDWARD, as _Hermit_, own brother to
+_Friar Laurence_, excellent. But so were they all, and the Opera will
+well repay several re-hearings.
+
+_Thursday._--_Aida_. Generally considered rather a heavy Opera by
+VERDI. "But to-night," says WAGSTAFF, "the Verdi-ict quite t'other
+way." MAUREL excellent as _Amonasro_, and MAGGIE MACINTYRE looked,
+acted, and sang Maggie-nificently. Uncommonly good was GIULIA RAVOGLI
+as _Amneris_, _Aida's_ rival for the love of the small-sized _Radames
+Dimitresco_, or Dimi-nutive-Tresco (comparatively speaking), to whom
+EDWARD DE RESZKE, being quite _a Ned_ and shoulders taller, might
+spare some of his superfluous inches.
+
+EDWARD uncommonly good as _Ramfis_, which name, considering the
+peculiar make-up, might be appropriately changed to _Rum Phiz_, and
+nobody be any the worse. BEVIGNANI conducted himself and the orchestra
+admirably; M. PLANCON, in English Plain Song, did all well that as _Il
+Re_ he had to do, looking every inch a _Re_, and not a bit _Il_. Mlle.
+BAUERMEISTER was _Una Sacerdotissa_, but she would be anything and
+do everything well. Signer RINALDINI was _Un Messagiero_. His costume
+might have been more effective had Sir AUGUSTUS brought him up to
+date as a Messenger Boy for the Telephonie-sol-fa Company. This can be
+amended. House good.
+
+_Friday_.--Covent Garden, _Elaine_ expected, but didn't appear. JOHN
+THE RISKY, the _Launcelot_ of the Opera, unwell. "Not _Launcelot_,
+but another!" cried Sir DRURIOLANUS, only there wasn't another. So
+_Carmen_ was played. "Not this _Elaine_," continued Sir AUGUSTUS, "but
+Drur-e-lane." So away! to hear the Trumpeter of the German Band. This
+_Trompeter_ might be played as a trump in a small house, but 'tis
+trumpery for Drury Lane. One phrase of an old music-hall ditty, the
+words of which were, "She walked forward, _I_ followed on, tra la
+la!" constantly recur. Who originated it? Unwonted excitement of
+going to two Operas told on shattered frame, so staggered to Maiden
+Lane, which, on account of its being the home for oysters, crabs,
+and lobsters, should be renamed Mer-maiden Lane. Behold! good Dr.
+BAYLIS "within the Rules" making up his evening prescriptions.
+"_Quis supperabit?_" asked the learned Dr. B. "_Ego_," replied I,
+like JEAMES, knowing the language. And "supper-a-bit" it was. "'84
+_wachterum unum pintum frigidum sumendum cum_ '92 _chickeno_," &c. "My
+benizon on thee!" said CRITICUS REDIVIVUS. "Dr. BAYLIS, I bay-_liss_
+thee!" with the accent on the "_liss_." So home. After all the chops
+and changes of this operatic life, I am with "chicken and champagne"
+content. _Finis coronat opus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE ALCOHOLIC QUESTION.
+
+(_A FEW REMARKS ON DR. ROBSON ROOSE'S ARTICLE IN NEW REVIEW._)
+
+[Illustration: "'Neat' Handed Phyllis."
+
+"A contribution to the Alcohol Question."]
+
+1. Inebriates should be shut up in Alcoholloway Prison.
+
+2. "_Food-accessory_" is a very pretty name for drink. Henceforth let
+the butler go round as "the merry toast goes round." Let butlers and
+footmen, in dining-rooms and places where they have various liquors,
+be instructed to inquire of each and every guest "What food-accessory
+will you take, Sir?"
+
+3. "_The use of Alcohol dates from very early times._" But it is not
+recommended by the faculty as a good thing to be taken at 7 A.M., or
+at any time in the morning immediately on awaking.
+
+As to when any one has had enough "alcohol," the old test first
+put forward many years ago by _Mr. Punch_, still holds good. If
+you can say "British Constitution" distinctly, and without effort,
+so that it shall not be all in one composite word sounding like
+"Bri'sh-conshushun," then, perhaps, you may go up-stairs (if you can)
+and join the ladies.
+
+4. "_The liver is very prone to become affected._" The question is,
+first, Is "an evil liver" or "a good liver" here intended? But, apart
+from this, any affectation in a liver, good or bad, is objectionable.
+It must be taken for granted, in a serious discussion on the subject,
+that "a slave to his liver" is a synonym for "a livery servant." The
+one objection to a livery servant lies in this very fact; for a slave
+to liver is rarely in a good humour, and is generally sulky, lazy, and
+disobliging.
+
+5. "_Wine comes in, rubs off the acerbities, and brings all down to
+the same level of good humour._" The end of such a happy party is, of
+course, all under the table, smiling, but speechless.
+
+  Smiling, but beautiful they lay,
+  A gleam was in their half-closed eye,
+  But still they murmured with a sigh,
+            Hic-shelsher-wa'.
+
+Dr. ROBERTS, as quoted by his _confrere_, ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA,
+appears to be a very sensible person. Dr. ROBERTS--he is not Dr.
+ARTHUR ROBERTS, we believe--recommends the liqueur to be judiciously
+taken at meal-times. And, by the way, as the knowledge of when to
+cry, "Hold, enough!" is most useful, here is another test of sobriety
+in this very word "judicious," which some, after a couple of glasses
+(or more) of fine old cognac, will pronounce as though 'twere spelt
+"seducious," and some will swear it ought to be "jusidious." When
+nobody can pronounce "judicious" correctly, the _arbiter bibendi_,
+if himself absolutely sober as a judge ought to be,--a man quite
+"above-board," i.e., not yet under it,--such a one may pronounce that
+the guests have had quite enough. It is a pity that so excellent
+a writer on temperance should have the singular disadvantage of a
+plural name. If, after dinner, a worthy convivialist observed, "I see
+ROBERTS," would not the question naturally be, "How many of 'em?"
+The Doctor can omit the "s," and, as perhaps he is already a little
+singular in his carefully-advanced theories, why should he not
+de-pluralise his surname? Do the Doctors R.R. and R. differ on this?
+Then we must decide. In the meantime, to show our approval of this
+particular article of Dr. ROBSON ROOSTEM PASHA's faith, we, as a
+jovial company, drink his health, and then depart for our annual
+Alcoholiday trip.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAWN TENNIS INTELLIGENCE.--BADDELAY has taken the cake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.
+
+(_Lady Festus At Home_--2 A.M.)
+
+_Hostess._ "ONLY JUST COME, SIR GEORGE? HOW GOOD OF YOU TO COME SO
+LATE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUT OF IT!
+
+(_THE LAY OF THE NON-ELECTED._)
+
+  Then a warm-faced functionary read the "Declaration"--when
+  A sort of sinking sickness took SMITH in the abdomen;
+  And he smiled a sickly sort of smile, and stalked out at the door,
+  And the subsequent proceedings interested _him_ no more!
+
+          _Bret Harte adapted._
+
+  Pheugh! His poll was taken early (it was _not_ on Saturday),
+  And he lost by seven hundred, and is out of the fierce fray;
+  And whether he rejoices, or internally repines,
+  May be clear to the wiseacres who can "read between the lines."
+
+  It was hot, too, while it lasted, and of epidemic ills
+  The Election Fever "takes the cake." 'Tis true it seldom kills,
+  But for far and wide contagion, and for agony acute,
+  Its supremacy is certain as its sway is absolute.
+
+  And he had it very badly. He looks convalescent now,
+  But the frenzy of the meeting brought the crimson to his brow,
+  And his thorax is still husky with his eloquent appeal
+  To the mustered working-men at the hour of mid-day meal.
+
+  How they swarmed about his waggon! How their oily fustian filled
+  The summer air with fragrance that his fine olfactories thrilled!
+  How very loud their shouts were, and how very rude their jeers,
+  And how very strong the _bouquet_ of clay pipes and bitter beers!
+
+  His arguments amused them, and his peroration fine,
+  About "standing for old England stoutly all along the line,"
+  Would have surely proved impressive, but for some sardonic ass,
+  Who produced an anti-climax with the shouted comment "Gas!"
+
+  Then the mob broke up in laughter, to return to pipe and can,
+  And--plumped for his opponent pretty nearly to a man;
+  For of all ungrateful cynics, and of all impervious clowns,
+  Commend me (says our wanderer), to the workmen of our towns.
+
+  Well, _experientia docet_. That confounded "local Club"
+  (Blend of Institute and Chapel with a savour of the pub.)
+  Where the pallid-faced cheesemongers, and the clammy-handed snobs,
+  Swarmed around to "patronise" him, was the toughest of tough jobs.
+
+  Its rooms were wondrous stuffy and its members scarce "good form,"
+  For they mostly dropped their aitches, and they always looked _so_
+          warm.
+  Why political enthusiasts so run to noise and heat,
+  And crude manners, and bad grammar, is a _crux_ that's hard to beat.
+
+  But he bore it,--yes, he bore it; he shook heaps of 'orny 'ands,
+  Heard the shindy of their shoutings, and the braying of their bands;
+  Stood their "heckling," which was trying, and their praises, which
+          were worse,
+  All the claims upon his time, and taste, his patience, and his
+          purse.
+
+  Then they "chucked" him by three figures! Well, he's "out of it,"
+          thanks be!
+  And he "offs it by the Special" to the river or the sea.
+  He heard the "Declaration," _and_ the rival Party's roar,
+  And--"the subsequent proceedings interested him no more."
+
+  "'_Latest Results! Helections!!_' Oh, confound the boy! Get out!
+  Let the winners sum their winnings, let their blatant backers shout.
+  What have I to do with pollings? Cease, cacophonous urchin, cease!
+  I am going to read _The Wrecker_, and possess my soul in peace!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"D.G." and MRS. R.--_Mr. Punch_ begs to congratulate the _Daily
+Graphic_ on the electioneering ladder showing every day the position
+of the Parties. Very "Happy Thought." His ancient friend, Mrs. RAM,
+in speaking of this journal, observed, that "_Daily Graphic_ was not
+by any means a new name, and the paper ought to have been purely
+theatrical, as the person after whom it is evidently called was the
+celebrated actor, you know, my dear, in the last century, whom Dr.
+JOHNSON used to call 'Little Daily Graphic.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUT OF IT!
+
+(_"And the subsequent Proceedings interested him no more._")
+
+NEWSPAPER-BOY. "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR! LATEST RESULTS O' THE POLL, SIR!"
+
+REJECTED CANDIDATE (_growls_). "OH! GO TO THE DEUCE!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.
+
+_Lady Godiva._ "NOW PROMISE ME, YOU DEAR GOOD MAN, PROMISE ME YOU'LL
+VOTE FOR LORD JAMES, AND I'LL--_I'LL DIV YOU A TISS!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF HENLEY.
+
+(_FRAGMENT FROM A HISTORICAL SKETCH YET TO BE WRITTEN._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was shortly after the middle of July, 1892, that the Great
+Representative of the British Race stood upon the Victoria Embankment,
+watching the river-steamers as they passed to and fro. There were few
+persons about, for the General Election was over, and civilised London
+was out of Town. Some of civilised London had gone abroad, some were
+in Scotland, some by the Sea. So the Great Representative expected to
+see no one.
+
+"_Mr. Punch_, I believe!" said some one, approaching the Great
+Representative. The speaker was a person who wore a garb peculiarly
+suitable to the autumnal sultriness of the weather. He had about a
+couple of yards of calico, and one good coating of serviceable paint.
+The Great Representative bowed his head, and by a gesture, invited
+further explanation.
+
+"I am connected with the literary world, and am a Colonist. I am
+known, or used to be known (for I am getting a trifle out of date), as
+Lord MACAULAY's New-Zealander."
+
+Again the Great Representative bowed. He knew his visitor, and bade
+him welcome. Then he asked him the cause of his visit.
+
+"Well, I really don't know," replied the New-Zealander, with a short
+laugh. "I am afraid I must have been hoaxed. I was told that England
+was absolutely ruined, and was looking for a comfortable seat amongst
+the remains of London Bridge."
+
+"You see you are slightly premature," returned the Great
+Representative, pointing towards a more or less majestic pile in the
+offing. "There was some talk of rebuilding the structure some short
+while ago, but a viaduct near the Tower was considered preferable.
+When it is opened, there will be Knighthoods for the Sheriffs, and a
+Baronetcy for the Lord MAYOR."
+
+"And yet," pondered the New-Zealander, "I was certainly informed by
+wire, that the glory of Britain had vanished for ever."
+
+"Very likely an Election cry," observed _Mr. Punch_, "In the midst of
+a contested polling, both sides think the success of their rivals must
+be followed by immediate disaster. But somehow or other, things settle
+down afterwards, and nothing comes of it. Whichever side wins, the old
+flag floats in the wind as gaily and as prosperously as ever."
+
+"And yet I was certainly told that the sun of England had set never
+to rise again," persisted the Aboriginal, who seemed to be of an
+obstinate turn of mind. "Now I remember--the cause was something to
+do with Diamonds and Henley. Stay, the bright brains of the nation had
+disappeared. I recollect, the Diamond Sculls of the nation (once so
+great) had passed to foreigners."
+
+"Ah, now I take your meaning." said the National Representative, with
+a smile, "and you must have heard of the result of the race for the
+Diamond Sculls at Henley."
+
+"That must be it," acquiesced the New-Zealander. "I had forgotten to
+take into account possible errors in transmission. But tell me, has
+there been a national defeat?"
+
+"Well, yes," admitted _Mr. Punch_, with a sigh--"we did not
+come out altogether satisfactorily. Even the second man was a
+Frenchman--albeit, his name was suggestive of dear old Scotland."
+
+"And do you mean to say," said the New-Zealander, "that the best
+scullers of England were beaten by a boating-man from the Seine?"
+
+"It is too true, and the Frenchman himself succumbed to a
+Dutchman--yes, we confess it, and with shame."
+
+"I don't see why you should," returned the other, changing his tone
+to one of greater satisfaction. "As a New-Zealander, I observe nothing
+degrading in the superiority of Old Holland." And considering the
+prowess of VAN TROMP in the past, there was perhaps nothing so strange
+in the triumph of OOMS in the present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO PAY OR NOT TO PAY, THAT IS THE BISLEYNESS."
+
+MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that the receipts of the National Rifle
+Association have fallen off, and that there is a proposal to make the
+Bisley Meeting this year rather more attractive than its predecessors.
+The Camp is to be open, and there are to be Concerts and other
+distractions. But is this enough? Once confess that Rifle-shooting
+is not the sole business of the gathering, and the way is cleared for
+more amusing items. All that is wanted to convert a semi-failure into
+a triumphant success, is a Manager who could combine entertainment
+with instruction, thus:--
+
+6 A.M.--Gun-fire. The Camp awakes, and, to the music of the band, gets
+up. Reserved seats in band-enclosure, sixpence extra.
+
+7 A.M.--Balloon Ascent. Firing at the sun with revolvers by trained
+aeronauts. Seats in parachutes, five shillings a-piece.
+
+8 A.M.--Early performance of BUFFALO BILL before his departure for
+Earl's Court. Prices as usual.
+
+9 A.M.--Sham Fight, augmented by Menagerie from Travelling Circus.
+Cards to visit the stables, half-a-crown.
+
+10 A.M.--Representation of Siege Scene from Venice in London, under
+the title of "The Bridge of Sighs within measuring distance of Woking
+Cemetery." Season tickets, half-a-guinea.
+
+11 A.M.--Performance of the Battle of Waterloo by veterans, late of
+Astley's Theatre. Families and schools half-price.
+
+12 NOON.--Visit of Royalty, and Presentation of Purses. No Purse
+accepted containing less than two pounds ten.
+
+1 P.M.--Grand Luncheon, with speeches by the leading Military
+Authorities, followed by a Smoking Concert. One-and-sixpence.
+
+2 P.M.--Variety Show, including several of the best Lion Comiques,
+and the astounding performances of the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia.
+Stalls, ten shillings. Soldiers in uniform admitted at a considerable
+reduction.
+
+3 P.M.--Cricket Match between the famous Clown Eleven _versus_ the
+Ladies' Sixteen. Grand Stand, three-and-six.
+
+4 P.M.--Comic Carnival, entitled, "Rollicksome Riflemen, or the
+Vicissitudes of the Volunteers." Reserved Seats, ninepence.
+
+There, my dear Sir, I think I have written enough. If there was any
+time to spare, the shooting programme might still be carried out; but
+business is business, and only by the means I have indicated (in my
+opinion) can Bisley be made to pay. Trusting that my suggestion may be
+accepted in the spirit in which it is offered, I remain,
+
+Yours truly, DIVIDEND BEFORE DEFENCE. _The Money Grubberies, the
+Twenty of Shillingsworth-in-the-Pound._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE THRESHOLD OF THEMIS.
+
+(_A Sketch in the New Law Courts in anticipation of the very
+next "Cause Celebre" that may have the good fortune to enlist the
+sympathies of the British Public._)
+
+    SCENE--_A Corridor outside the Courts appropriated to the
+    Common Law Division of the High Court of Justice. At each of
+    the doors of the Court where the Great Trial of Arkass v.
+    Arkass and Ambo--which abounds in "scandalous revelations in
+    High Life"--is proceeding, a group of would-be auditors has
+    collected, waiting with the patience of respectable Peris for
+    a chance of admission to the forensic Paradise within. The
+    Paradise, at present, is full to overflowing, and the doors
+    are guarded by a couple of particularly stern and stolid
+    attendants. Each Peri is trying to wear out the endurance
+    of the rest, and to propitiate the doorkeepers by exemplary
+    behaviour._
+
+[Illustration: No--but look _here_. I _know_ the Criminals.]
+
+_A Meek Man_ (_to Doorkeeper, after standing in hopeful silence for
+three-quarters of an hour_). I suppose there'll be a chance of getting
+in presently, eh?
+
+_The Doorkeeper_ (_placidly_). None whatever, Sir.
+
+_The M.M._ But they'll be rising for luncheon in an hour or so, and
+some will be coming out then, surely?
+
+_Doork._ Not many; them as _are_ in stays in, mostly.
+
+_The M.M._ (_with a sudden recollection that he is acquainted with one
+of the Counsel engaged in the case_). Couldn't you take in my card to
+Mr. TANFIELD? I'm sure he'll do anything he could for me.
+
+    [_The rest regard him with extreme disfavour, as one guilty of
+    unsportsmanlike behaviour._
+
+_Doork._ It won't be no use--there ain't room in there as it is for a
+billiard-cue--leastwise (_conscientiously_), a stoutish one--but I'll
+get it taken in for you, if you _like_.
+
+    [_He opens the door a very little, and passes the card to an
+    attendant within._
+
+_Junior Members of the Junior Bar_ (_in very clean white wigs, with
+hauteur_). Thought you had orders to let Counsel in before the general
+public? There _ought_ to be some rule about that, if there isn't.
+
+_Doork._ So we do, Sir; but if this gentleman's a friend of Mr.
+TANFIELD's, and he _arsks_ me to admit him, why you see--
+
+_Junior Junior_ (_witheringly_). The convenience of mere Members of
+the _Bar_ must give way, naturally!
+
+    [_The inside Attendant returns with card, which the
+    Doorkeeper unlocks the door to receive, and then shuts it to
+    with a sharp click, like a wild-beast-tamer._
+
+_Doork._ (_to the M.M., after perusing card by the dim light_). I
+_told_ you it wouldn't be no use, Sir. "Please wait," it says.
+
+    [_General movement of virtuous satisfaction at this
+    well-merited rebuke._
+
+_The M.M._ (_wishing he had not put his trust in TANFIELD_). I--I
+_have_ waited--but it don't matter. (_Addressing First White Wig,
+from a timid social impulse_). The--er--Plaintiff made some remarkable
+admissions in the box yesterday--his cross-examination seemed pretty
+severe.
+
+_First White Wig_ (_after a stare at his audacity_). Cross-examination
+not unfrequently _is_. (_To the other W.W._) See that extraordinary
+decision of old JUBBER's in _Biling_ v. _Bulgin_? Of course they'll
+appeal!
+
+    [_The couple converse in highly technical terms for some
+    minutes._
+
+_The M.M._ (_at the next pause_). It struck me that Colonel ARKASS
+rather contradicted himself on one or two points.
+
+_Second W.W._ Very likely. (_To First W.W._) What do _you_ do when
+you're before one of these confounded Common Law Judges, and see he's
+looking up a point of Equity in a text-book during your argument? Do
+you wait for him?
+
+_First W.W._ (_with all the decision of a Counsel who was called the
+Term before last_). Wait for him? No--go on talking about anything you
+like, till he's ready to listen to you again. That's what _I_ always
+do!
+
+_An Important Stranger_ (_bustling up; to Doorkeepers_). Here, I say,
+let _me_ in, will you!
+
+_Doork._ You a Witness in this case, Sir?
+
+_The Imp. S._ (_after a tell-tale pause_). Er--yes--in a sort of way,
+y'know.
+
+_Doork._ Then _your_ entrance is down below, Sir, in the Central
+'All--you'll see it written up there.
+
+_The I.S._ Haw--well, I'm not _exactly_ a witness, but I'm interested
+in the case, y'know.
+
+_Doork._ So are all these Gentlemen, Sir--but they can't get in.
+
+_The I.S._ No--but look _here_. I _know_ the criminals--'tleast I
+don't mean to call 'em _that_, y'know--hope they're all innocent, I'm
+sure. I like 'em all; _danced_ with 'em, and all that, lots of times.
+
+_Doork._ Ah, well, you see they ain't dancin' to-day, Sir. (_The I.S.
+bustles away; there is a stir within; the portion of the crowd in
+Court that is visible through the glass-doors heaves convulsively,
+and presently produces a stout and struggling Q.C._). Make way there!
+Stand aside, gentlemen, please. Counsel coming out!
+
+    [_Q.C. comes out, puffing, followed by his Clerk and a
+    Client._
+
+_First W.W._ (_as the chasm in the crowd closes again_). _Now_ you can
+let us in!
+
+_Doork._ (_stolidly_). Not yet, Sir. (_To other Doork._) I see that
+party agen last night--_you_ know--him as was here making all that
+shindy day afore yesterday. I went and 'ad a drink with 'im.
+
+_Second Doork._ (_interested_). Ah, and 'ow _was_ he?
+
+_First Doork._ Oh, same as usual--boozed. Told me he'd come up from
+Glasgow for a week's spree--and he seems to be _'aving_ it, too. Going
+'ome Saturday, so he sez.
+
+_Second Doork._ (_grimly_). He'll be lucky if he gets there Saturday
+fortnight!
+
+[Illustration: IN HIS CLUTCHES.
+
+"WHAT A DAY OI'M HAVIN'! BEGORRA, OI'VE GOT 'EM BOILIN' ON BOTH SOIDES
+AV THE ATLANTIC AT THE SAME TOIME!"]
+
+_Murmurs_ (_from the lucky Peris who can just see the witness-box
+through the glass panel_). Who's that in the box? That's Colonel
+ARKASS--finishing his cross-examination.... Doesn't seem to be
+enjoying himself.... See how he's tugging at his moustache.... Got a
+nasty one just then, I expect.... I'd as soon believe 'im as I would
+'er--_now_.... She ain't been in the _box_ yet.... No, but she's a
+reg'lar bad lot, from what was said in the opening speech. They won't
+change my opinion of _'er_, whichever way the case goes! Well, I
+'aven't followed it closely myself.... Oh, no more have I--but still
+I've made up _my_ mind long ago about it, (&c., &c.)
+
+_The I.S._ (_suddenly returning, indignant_). I say, they're letting
+in all _sorts_ of people--barristers, and so on--at that _other_ door!
+
+_Doork._ Can't 'elp that, Sir; _this_ ain't the other door--you should
+speak to _them_ about it!
+
+_The I.S._ (_naively_). Well, I _have_--and they told me to come here!
+
+    [_General snigger, amidst which he departs in disgust._
+
+_A Small Office-Boy_ (_with a strip of paper, tied with red tape_).
+Kin I see Sir HALFRID ALLABYE a moment?
+
+_Doork._ Sir ALFRED ain't in this Court--he's engaged in another case.
+
+_The O.B._ 'Is Clurk'll do--it's 'ighly important--you better lemme
+_in_, I tell yer!
+
+_Doork._ Send in a message for yer, if that'll do. (_The O.B. says
+it doesn't signify, and bolts._) Young Artful! thinks he'll sneak in,
+and spend his dinner-hour there--but he _don't_!
+
+_The M.M._ (_who has been examining his card under a gaslight_).
+I say, I've just found out that it wasn't "Please _wait_" that Mr.
+TANFIELD wrote on my card--it's "Please _Admit_!"
+
+    [_A general titter of incredulity._
+
+_First W.W._ (_to Second W.W._). Ingenious--but a trifle transparent
+that, eh?
+
+    [_His friend smiles knowingly._
+
+_The M.M._ (_roused_). Do you mean to suggest that I--
+
+    [_He chokes._
+
+_First W.W._ Oh, not at all--I was speaking to my friend here. But you
+really must allow that, if any preference is shown at all, it should
+be given--equitably, and of right--to Members of the Bar!
+
+_Chorus from the other Peris._ Yes, they've stood here nearly as
+long as you have. You must wait your turn, like the rest of us! No
+preferences _'ere_! We've got as much right to go in as you.... If Mr.
+TANFIELD wants you admitted over our heads, let him come and let you
+in himself! If _any_ one goes in first, it ought to be Barristers!
+(&c., &c.)
+
+_Doork._ (_impartially_). Well, it ain't o' much consequence,
+Gentlemen, for I can't let _none_ of you in at present!
+
+    [_The M.M. simmers with suppressed rage; wonders if it is
+    worth while to mention that he happens to be a Barrister
+    himself, and wishes to enter for the serious and legitimate
+    purpose of collecting material for an Essay he is contributing
+    on "The Abuse of Cross-Examination" to the "Nineteenth
+    Century." On reflection, he thinks he had better not._
+
+_Doork._ (_as the crowd in Court is again convulsed_). Clear the way
+there! Court rising--Counsel coming out! Ah, this _is_ Mr. TANFIELD.
+
+_The Peris_ (_White Wigs and all_). Now we shall _see_!
+
+    [_They regard the M.M. with anticipatory triumph._
+
+_Mr. Tanfield_ (_passing out, and recognising the M.M._). Why, my dear
+MUTTON, won't they let you in? Here, come along with me!
+
+    [_He passes his arm through the M.M.'s, walks with him to
+    the other door, murmurs a request for his admission, and the
+    next moment the M.M. is safe in the haven of his desire._
+
+_The other Peris_ (_looking after him enviously_). Well, of all the
+brazen impudence!
+
+    [_They are swept aside by the current of emerging Counsel,
+    Spectators, &c. and re-assemble, to find the doors as
+    pitilessly closed against them as ever. The White Wigs
+    threaten to write to the "Law Times" on the subject, and are
+    regarded with admiration by the rest as Champions of Popular
+    Rights._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OLD TIMES REVIVED.
+
+_Portrait of Candidate making his Third Speech on same day._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RACINE, WITH THE CHILL OFF.
+
+[Illustration: On his Hobby.]
+
+Baffled by official prudery in the production of his poetic episode
+from Holy Writ, yet resolved that the names of SARAH and OSCAR shall
+be bracketted together on the muster-roll of genius, Mr. WILDE has
+undertaken to re-write RACINE's _Phedre_ for that distinguished
+actress. In his version the smoothly-chaste and insipidly-correct
+verses which our grandmothers learnt to recite, and our grandfathers
+pretended to admire on the lips of the classic RACHEL, will give place
+to the school of BAUDELAIRE and VALLES. We have been fortunate in
+obtaining an _echantillon_ of this great work.
+
+ACTE I., SCENE 3. _PHEDRE, OENONE._
+
+  _Phedre._ Je me meurs d'ennuie. Mon eventail, et vite!
+
+  _Oenone._ Madame, je devine votre mal. Vous aimez HIPPOLYTE!
+
+  _Phedre._ HIPPOLYTE! Imbecile, ce que j'aime est le vice,
+      La rime sans raison, l'audace, l'immondice,
+      L'horrible, l'eccentrique, le sens-dessus-dessous,
+      La fanfaronnade, la reclame, le sang, et la boue;
+      La bave fetide des bouches empoisonnees;
+      L'horreur, le meurtre, et le "ta-ra-boum-de-ay!"
+      Crois-tu que pour HIPPOLYTE j'ai le moindre estime?
+      Du tout! C'est mon beau fils, et l'aimer est un crime,
+      C'est un fat odieux, OENONE. Homme je le deteste,
+      Mais comme fils de mon mari l'aimer c'est l'in--
+
+  _Oenone._                                  Peste!
+      Que veut dire Madame?
+
+  _Phedre._        L'inconnu l'inconvenable.[2]
+      Tu me coupe la parole d'une facon execrable--
+      Le vice, OENONE, sais-tu ce que c'est que le vice?
+      Que la rose n'est pas rose avant qu'elle pourrisse?
+      Esprit terre-a-terre, ame bornee d'epicier,
+      Non, tu ne les connais pas, les delices du fumier.
+      Tu ne sais pas trouver tes etoiles dans l'egout,
+      Tes ivresses dans la fange, ton amour dans la boue.
+
+  _Oenone._ Madame radote. C'est Venus a sa proie attachee.
+
+  _Phedre._ Venus fin de siecle, qui se nomme Astarte,
+      Diablesse gigantesque, aux boyaux d'airain,
+      Trou rouge ou l'on jette des monceaux d'etres humains.
+      Grille de fer ou la chair fume, les cheveux petillent,
+      Choses claires qui noircissent, sombres choses qui brillent,
+      Choses qu'on aime le plus pour ce qu'elles n'existent pas,
+      Choses basses qui s'elevent, hautes choses qu'on mettent bas,
+      Paradis de paradoxes--
+
+This brief sample of Mr. WILDE's muse may be less erudite than the
+play tabooed by the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, and may show a bolder disregard
+of the stringent laws which govern French versification; but it is
+assuredly in harmony with the spirit of the age, and goes far to bring
+RACINE up to date.
+
+[Footnote 2: The fact that this word is not to be found in the
+dictionary must be set down as the fault of the language rather than
+of the poet. If "convenable," why not "inconvenable"?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume
+103, July 16, 1892, by Various
+
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