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diff --git a/14845.txt b/14845.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6414b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14845.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1332 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +Feb. 13, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 13, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14845] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +February 13, 1892. + + + + +"PLEASING THE PIGS!" (FROM A PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL REPORT.) + +Mr. CHAPLIN received a deputation on the subject of the Swine-fever +last week. True to his dramatic instincts as regards the fitness of +things, the Minister for Agriculture was, on this occasion, wearing a +Sow-wester. He regretted that he was unable to don a pig-tail, which, +as the representative of the Fine Old English Gentleman of years gone +by, he should much like to do, but it was a fashion with the pig-wigs +of the last century which he hoped to see revived as "a tail of old +times." It was better, far better to be pig-tailed as were their +great grandfathers, than to be pigheaded as were so many people with +pig-culiar notions, specially in Scotland. + +[Illustration] + +"I am doing and have been doing," said the Ministering CHAPLIN, "my +very best to please the pigs, but there are some pigs that won't be +pleased when they find that everything is not going to be done for +them gratis. You may take this for grunted,--I should say granted. Now +let me give you an illustration. There were five pigs belonging to +a well-known littery family. The first pig went to market but no one +would purchase him, the second pig stayed at home (not feeling well), +the third pig had pleuro-pneumonia, and the fourth pig was in full +swing--if you can imagine a pig in a swing--of swine-fever; and the +fifth and quite the smallest pig of the lot, a mere sucking-pig, went +'wheeze, wheeze, wheeze!' and 'wheezes' were always a very bad sign. +_A propos_ of 'signs' I have little doubt but that the well-known +sign of the 'Pig and Whistle' descends to us from ancient times of +Influenza. He trusted that the whole pig-family would soon be pigging +up again." + +The Right Hon. Gentleman finished by apologising for not being able +to quote anything apposite from the works of either the philosophic +BACON, the Ettrick Shepherd HOGG, or the poetic SUCKLING, his motto +for the present being "_porker verba_," and he had to issue a Circular +about the cattle who were all going wrong. + +The Deputation thanked Mr. CHAPLIN, and unanimously expressed their +opinion, that where pigs were concerned, the Minister should have +his stye-pend increased. Noticing that Mr. CHAPLIN had risen from +his chair, and had assumed a threatening attitude, the Deputation +hurriedly thanked the Minister of Agriculture, and speedily withdrew. + + * * * * * + +ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IN LAST WEEK'S NUMBER.--"Mire + t = Mitre." + + * * * * * + +CHARLES HADDON SPURGEON. + +BORN, JUNE 19, 1834. DIED, JAN. 31, 1892. + + Sturdy saint-militant, stout, genial soul, + Through good and ill report you've reached the goal + Of all brave effort, and attained that light + Which makes our clearest noontide seem as night. + How much 'twill show us all! We boast our clarity + Of spiritual sense, but mutual charity + Is still our nearest need when faith grows fierce + And even hope earth's mists can hardly pierce. + You were much loved; you spake a potent word + In the world's ear, and listening thousands heard + With joy that clear and confident appeal. + The lingering doubts finer-strung spirits feel, + The sensitive shrinkings from familiar touch + Of the high mysteries, moved you not. Of such + The great throng-stirrers! And you stirred the throng + Who felt you honest and who knew you strong; + Racy of homely earth, yet spirit-fired + With all their higher moods felt, loved, desired. + Puritan, yet of no ascetic strain + Or arid straitness, freshening as the rain + And healthy as the clod; a native force + Incult yet quickening, cleaving its straight course + Unchecked, unchastened, conquering to the end. + Crudeness may chill, and confidence offend, + But manhood, mother wit, and selfless zeal, + Speech clear as light, and courage true as steel + Must win the many. Honest soul and brave, + The greatest drop their garlands on your grave! + + * * * * * + +'LOOK HERE, UPON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS!' + +(_THE HAYMARKET HAMLET AS HE IS AND OUGHT TO BE._) + +[Illustration] + +_Mr. H. Kemble_. "My dear Tree, _I_ ought to have played _Hamlet_. +First, my name--Kemble. Secondly, Shakspeare's authority--'Oh, that +this too too solid flesh would melt,' and again, 'Fat and scant of +breath'!" + +_Mr. B. Tree_. "All right, my dear Kemble. Quite true what you say; +and, any night I am unable to play, you shall be my double!" + + * * * * * + +WHIPPED IN VAIN. + +(_BY AN M.P. OF A RETIRING NATURE._) + + The Whip, he writes to me to-day, + Not, as his wont, in tones pacific, + But in the very strongest way, + And using language quite terrific. + + He hopes to see me in my place, + And woe betide the sad seceder, + Whose absence helps to throw disgrace + Both on his Party and his Leader. + + I throw my hat up to the sky. + At taunts of treason or defection + I flip my fingers. What care I? + _For I do NOT seek re-election!_ + + * * * * * + +"THIS INDENTURE WITNESSETH."--According to the _Times_ of Friday last, +February 5, Cardinal MANNING died practically a pauper. He had given +everything away in charity. He was a "Prince of the Church," and his +gifts to others were, indeed, princely. In the wills and deeds of how +many of our Very Reverend and Right Reverend Lordships shall we find +nothing gathered up and bequeathed of the loaves and fishes which have +fallen to their share? Such a testament as the Cardinal's would be in +quite a New Testamentary spirit. + + * * * * * + +FOREIGN AND HOME NEWS.--"The Prussian Education Bill," remarked an +elderly bachelor to. Mr. PETER FAMILIAS, "is a very important matter; +because you see--" + +"Hang the Prussian Education Bill!" interrupted PETER F., testily. +"You should see the English Education Bill I've had for my boy's +schooling last half!" + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFEBOAT-MEN. + +[Illustration] + + [The President of the Board of Trade has, by command of + the QUEEN, conveyed, through the Royal National Lifeboat + Institution, to the crews of the lifeboats of Atherfield, + Brightstone, and Brooke, Her Majesty's warm appreciation of + their gallant conduct in saving the crew and passengers of the + steamship _Eider_.] + + Your hand, lad! 'Tis wet with the brine, and the salt spray has + sodden your hair, + And the face of you glisteneth pale with the stress of the + struggle out there; + But the savour of salt is as sweet to the sense of a Briton, + sometimes, + As the fragrance of wet mignonette, or the scent of the + bee-haunted limes. + + Ay, sweeter is manhood, though rough, than the smoothest + effeminate charms + To the old sea-king strain in our blood in the season of shocks + and alarms, + When the winds and the waves and the rocks make a chaos of danger + and strife; + And the need of the moment is pluck, and the guerdon of valour is + life. + + That guerdon you've snatched from the teeth of the thundering + tiger-maw'd waves, + And the valour that smites is as naught, after all, to the valour + that saves. + They are safe on the shore, who had sunk in the whirl of the + floods but for _you_! + And some said you had lost your old grit and devotion! We knew + 'twas not true. + + The soft-hearted shore-going critics of conduct themselves would + not dare, + The trivial cocksure belittlers of dangers they have not to share, + Claim much--oh _so_ much, from rough manhood,--unflinching cool + daring in fray, + And selflessness utter, from toilers with little of praise, and + less pay. + + Her heroes to get "on the cheap" from the rough rank and file of + her sons + Has been England's good fortune so long, that the scribblers' + swift tongue-babble runs + To the old easy tune without thought. "Gallant sea-dogs and + life-savers!" Yes! + But poor driblets of lyrical praise should not be their sole + guerdon, I guess. + + On the coast, in the mine, at the fire, in the dark city byeways + at night, + They are ready the waves, or the flames, or the bludgeoning + burglar to fight. + And are _we_ quite as ready to mark, or to fashion a fitting reward + For the coarsely-clad commonplace men who our life and our + property guard? + + A question _Punch_ puts to the Public, and on your behalf, my + brave lad, + And that of your labouring like. To accept your stout help we are + glad: + If supply of cheap heroes _should_ slacken, and life-saving valour + grow _dear_-- + Say as courts, party-statesmen, or churches--'twould make some + exchequers look queer. + + Do we quite do our part, we shore-goers? Those lights could not + flash through the fog, + And how often must rescuer willing lie idle on land like a log + For lack of the warning of coast-wires from lighthouse or + lightship? 'Tis flat + That we, lad, have not done _our_ duty, until we have altered all + that. + + Well, you have done yours, and successfully, _this_ time at least, + and at night. + All rescued. How gladly the last must have looked on that brave + "Comet Light," + As you put from the wave-battered wreck. Cold, surf-buffeted, + weary, and drenched, + Your pluck, like the glare from that beacon, flamed on through the + dark hours unquenched. + + Nor then was your labour at end. There was treasure to save and to + land. + Well done, life-boat heroes, once more! _Punch_ is proud to take + grip of your hand! + Your QUEEN, ever quick to praise manhood, has spoken in words you + will hail, + And 'twere shame to the People of England, if they in their part + were to fail. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE GUARDS. + +_A SONG OF SENTIMENT, TO THE TUNE OF "FAIR LADY ELIZABETH MUGG."_ +(_"REJECTED ADDRESSES."_) + + ["The last of the old Mail-guards is about to disappear from + the service of the Post Office. Fifty-six years have elapsed + since Mr. MOSES NOBBS--for such is the venerable official's + name--was selected to undertake the duties of Guard to one of + the Royal Mails."--_Daily Telegraph_.] + + Historical Muse! are you sober? + _Is_ he, the old Mail-guard, alive, + Who probably swigged sound October + From flagons, in One, Eight, Three, Five? + When PILCH went a-slogging, and CLARKE + Was a-studying slow underhand lobs? + Hooray for that evergreen spark, + The veteran Guard, MOSES NOBBS![1] + + Why, MOSES, thus bring to a close + Your fifty-six years on the road? + Do you yearn, after all, for repose, + Who with zeal half-a-century glowed? + The Muse makes her moan at your loss, + And Sentiment silently sobs. + Ah! Time, friend, will play pitch-and-toss + With all of us, even a NOBBS! + + One sees your Mail-Coach all a-blaze, + A masterly hand on the rein, + In those rollicking, railway-less days, + Which never shall greet us again. + That tootling tin-horn one can hear; + The old buffers, with breeches and fobs, + One can picture; they doubtless were dear + To the bosom of brave MOSES NOBBS. + + That blunderbuss, too! Good old Guard! + At what Knight of the Road has it shot? + And do you remember the bard + Who gave us "_The Tantivy Trot_?" + Mr. EGERTON WARBURTON's gone, + No longer the Highwayman robs; + And silence now settles upon + The Last of the Guards--MOSES NOBBS! + + Yet oblivion shall not descend + On that name till a stave hath been sung. + The Muse is antiquity's friend, + And in praise of the past will give tongue. + If CRACKNALL, the Tantivy Whip, + Claimed song, they're but _parvenu_ snobs + Who say that the lyre should let slip + The memory of stout MOSES NOBBS. + + The Mail-Coach, my NOBBS, is no more + What it was when you put on the man; + We've Mail Trains, all rattle and roar, + And that portent, the Packet Post Van. + A Pullman, and not the Box-seat, + Is the aim of our modern Lord BOBS; + But the old recollections are sweet; + And _Punch_ drinks to your health, MOSES NOBBS! + +[Footnote 1: The _Telegraph_ gives the gentleman's name both as +"NOBBS" and "NOGGS." As "NOBBS" comes first, _Mr. Punch_ adopts it, he +hopes without misnaming the illustrious veteran.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KIND INQUIRIES. + +_The Dean's Wife._ "IS THE DEAR BISHOP STILL LIVING?" + +_Episcopal Butler._ "OH YES, MA'AM. HE'S _BETTER_ TO-DAY! WE'RE ALL +SAYING HE'S GOING TO DISAPPOINT 'EM _YET_!"] + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +IV.--THE DUFFER AS COLLECTOR. + +I may be a Duffer, but I hope I am neither an idiot nor a cad. I have +never collected postage-stamps, nor outraged common humanity by asking +people to send me their autographs. With these exceptions I have +failed as a collector of almost everything. To succeed you need luck, +and a dash of unscrupulousness, and careful attention to details, +and a sceptical habit of mind. Even as a small boy I used to waste my +shillings at a funny little curiosity-shop, kept by a nice old lady +who knew no more about her wares than I did. Here I acquired quite +a series of old coppers, which Mrs. SOMERVILLE said were ancient +Bactrian. We asked where Bactria was, and she replied that it was a +"country beyond Cyrus." We answered that Cyrus was not a territorial +but a personal name, "A fellow, don't you know, not a place," but +the old lady's information stopped there. I wonder where my Bactrian +Collection is now. Certainly I never sold it; indeed, I never sold +anything; not only because nobody would buy, but because, after +all, one is a Collector, not a tradesman. Birds' eggs I would have +collected if I could, but you had first to find the bird's nest +(almost an impossible quest for a born Duffer), and to blow the eggs, +which, let me tell you, needs nicety of handling. I did once find +a thrush's nest, and tried blowing an egg, but it was not wholly a +success, and the egg (the contents of which I accidentally absorbed) +was not wholly fresh. Then it is awkward when you are at the top of +a tall tree, with an egg in your mouth, for safety, if the other boys +make you laugh, as you try to come down. It is the egg which,--but +enough! Everyone who has been in that position will understand what is +meant. It is not difficult to collect shells on the seashore, but it +is extremely difficult to find out what shells they are, after you +have collected them. + +[Illustration: "And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had +the misfortune to break several windows."] + +Conchology is no child's play. As to collecting marine animals for an +aquarium, the trouble begins when you forget your acquisitions, and +carry them about for some time in the pockets of your jacket. That +jacket is apt to be dusted by the bigger boys, who also interfere +with your affections for toads, lizards, snakes and other live stock +dear to youth. The common ambition of boyhood is to be a great +rabbit-grower, but, somehow, my rabbits did not thrive. The cats +got at them, and, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the +misfortune to break several windows, and riddle a conservatory. + +The chief objects of my later ambition have been rare old books, gems, +engravings, china, and so forth. All these things, if they are to be +collected, demand that you shall have your wits about you; and the +peculiarity of the Duffer is that his wits are always wool-gathering. +A nice collection of wool they must have stored up somewhere. As to +books, one invariably begins by collecting the wrong things. In novels +and essays you read of "priceless Elzevirs," and "Aldines worth their +weight in gold." Fired with hope, you hang about all the stalls, where +you find myriads of Elzevirs, dumpy, dirty little tomes, in small +illegible type, and legions of Aldines, books quite as dirty, if not +so dumpy, and equally illegible, for they are printed in italics. You +think you are in luck, invest largely, and begin to give yourself the +airs of an amateur and a discoverer. Then comes somebody who knows +about the matter in hand, and who tells you, with all the savage joy +of a collector, that nobody wants any Elzevirs and Aldines, except a +very few, and they must be in beautiful old bindings, uncut down, +or scarcely cut down by the binder. These you may long for, but you +certainly will never find them in the fourpenny box. The Duffer is +always making the mistake of buying small bargains, as he thinks them, +and so he will spend, in some time, perhaps, a hundred pounds. With +a hundred pounds, and with luck, and prudence, and cunning, he might +perhaps buy one small volume which a collector who knew his business +would not wholly disdain. But, as it is, he has squandered his money, +and has nothing to show for it but a heap of trash, of the wrong date, +without the necessary misprints in the right places, ragged, short, +and, above all, _imperfect_. I suppose I have the richest collection +of imperfect books in the world. One hugs oneself on one's _Lucasta_ +(very rare), or one's Elzevir _Caesar_ of the right date, or one's +first edition of MOLIERE, and then comes, with fiendish glee, the +regular collector, and shows you that _Lucasta_ has not the portrait +of LOVELACE, that _Caesar_ has not his pagination all wrong (as he +ought to have), that the Molieres are Lyons piracies, that half of +GILBERT's _Gentleman's Diversion_ is not bound up with the rest, +that, generally speaking, there are pages missing here and there all +through your books, which you have never "collated," that "a ticket +of PADELOUP, the binder, has been taken off some broken board of a +book, and stuck on to a modern imitation, and so forth, all through +the collection. You cannot sell it; nobody will take as a present +this Library of a Gentleman who has given up collecting; even Free +Libraries do not want this kind of treasure, and so it remains, +littering your shelves, a monument of folly. Happy are the Duffers +whose eyes are impenetrably sealed, and who can go on believing, +in spite of a modern water-mark, in their sham BURNS MSS. and their +volumes with autographs of all the celebrated characters in history. +But my eyes are purged, and I do not think you shall find me +collecting old books any more. Certainly I shall not venture into +auction-rooms, compete with the Trade, and get left with a book +artfully run up, thanks to my enthusiasm, to four or five times its +market value. + +As to china, what the Duffer buys is invariably cracked, and the +"marks" on which he places confidence are flagrant imitations. +He usually begins by supposing that Crown Derby is a priceless +possession, also he has a touching faith in chipped blue and white +cups and saucers, marked with a crescent. Worcester they may be, but +not the right sort of Worcester. And Crown Derby is the very Aldine or +Elzevir of this market. You might as well collect shares in the Great +Montezuma Gold Mine, and expect to derive benefit from the investment. + +Gems are among the things that the Duffer may most wisely collect, +for the excellent reason that, in this country, he very seldom +indeed finds any for sale. He cannot come to much sorrow, for lack of +opportunities. In Italy it is different. How many beautiful works of +Art I have acquired in Florence, at considerable ransoms, all of them +signed in neat, but illegible Greek capitals. I puzzled over them with +microscopes. The names seemed to end in [Greek: ICHLES]. I thought +myself a rival of BLACAS, or Lord KILSYTH, or the British Museum. Then +my friend, WILKINS, came in. "Pretty enough pastes of the last century +I see," he remarks. "Pastes!--last century!" I indignantly exclaim; +"why they're of the best period: Sards, all of them signed, but I +can't make out the artist's name." "It is PICHLER," says WILKINS, "he +usually signed, for fear his things should be sold as antiques." I had +to give in about PICHLER (which certainly does not sound very Greek); +"but here," I said, "you can't call _this_ paste, you can't scratch +the back of it." "I know I can't," says WILKINS, examining the +ring, "for a very good reason, because a thin layer of sard has been +inserted behind. But it's paste, for all that." + +"Well," I say, "here's a genuine ancient ring, old gold, and a lovely +head of Prosperine in cornelian." + +"Well, this _is_ odd," says WILKINS, "I know the setting is genuine, +I have seen it before. But then it had a rubbishy late bit of work in +it, and I was in the _atelier_ when a gem-cutter shaved away the top +of the stone, and copied your head of Prosperine on it from a Sicilian +coin. I can show you a coin of the same stamp in my collection." + +[Illustration: "HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS." + +VIEW OF THE STAGE ON THE RE-OPENING OF THE THEATRE ROYAL WESTMINSTER.] + +And he showed me it, otherwise I might have remained incredulous. +"These scarabs," he went on, "are from Birmingham, I know the glaze. +That gold Egyptian ring, Queen TAIA's do you say, is Coptic, Cairo is +full of them. That head of CAESAR is a copy from the one in the British +Museum." + +"Why, it is rough with age," I said. + +"Ay, they've stuffed it down a turkey's crop, and it has got rubbed +up in the gravel with which the ingenious bird assists the process of +digestion. A _man_ who could swallow that gem is a goose." + +I am presenting my esteemed collection of ancient engraved stones to +my nephew at school, who shows all the character of the collector. +He may swop them for bats, or tarts, or he may learn wisdom from the +misfortunes of his uncle. + + * * * * * + +IN THIS STYLE, SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE. + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_rising to cross-examine_). Then you assert that +the golden dinner-service which we are inquiring about was in your +possession on the evening of July 26th at half-past eight o'clock? + +_Plaintiff._ I do. + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ And that when you went to take them out of the +strong-box at 9:15 for your party they had disappeared? + +_Plaintiff._ Quite so. + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ Pardon my suggesting such a thing, but I +am instructed to ask you whether, when you paid L800 to the +rate-collector for arrears of rates on the very next day, you had not +obtained that sum by selling a portion of this gold plate yourself? + +_The Judge._ Really, Mr. BADGERER, this won't do at all. "Legal +bullying" is a thing of the past, and I shall have to commit you for +contempt if you make these unworthy suggestions to the Witness. + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ But, m'Lud, the whole point of the defence is +that the Plaintiff himself sto-- + +_The Judge_ (_hastily interposing_). --Sh! You must not talk like +that. Remember that "the floor of the Court is _not_ the same thing as +the interior of a coal-barge." + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_sulkily_). Very well. But I really don't know +how I am to conduct my case if your Ludship intervenes to check me. +(_To_ Witness.) I can ask you _this_ at any rate. Did you or did you +not run up to Town by an early train the morning after the robbery? + +_Plaintiff._ Certainly I did. I went to see my tailor, in Bond Street. + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ And why did you, then, go all the way from Bond +Street to the City, eh? + +_Plaintiff_ (_gravelled_). My Lord, I must appeal for protection. The +question is a bullying one. + +_The Judge._ Oh, certainly! Counsel has no right to ask such things. +He ought to take the charitable view of your actions, and suppose that +you went to the City for a mid-day chop, or because you wanted to +look at St. Paul's, or something of that kind. We must really try and +conduct our business as nobly as we can. + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_pleasantly_). "_Que Messieurs les assassins +commencent!_" Then we will presume that your predilection for City +chops is so great, that you went a couple of miles out of your way to +get one, and that your reason for dropping in at the establishment +of Messrs. BLANK, Goldsmiths, and offering them half-a-dozen +dessert-plates-- + +_The Judge_ (_interrupting_). Oh, really, this is not at all-- + +_Plaintiff._ Quite the reverse. I won't stay here to be insulted by +anybody! + + [_Exit hurriedly._ + +_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ I am afraid the Police Officers who are waiting +outside to arrest our friend who has just left the box will also be +denounced as "legal bullies." But after all one can't cross-examine a +rogue on rosewater principles. And if we Barristers sometimes do make +things rather rough for innocent Witnesses, by dragging out unpleasant +incidents in their careers, or suggesting some that never occurred, by +so acting we provide a powerful inducement to people to avoid having +such unpleasant incidents to be dragged out. And if the fear of +cross-examination prevents actions being brought, it thereby also +prevents would-be litigants ruining themselves in law expenses. With +submission, m'Lud, and if your Ludship pleases, I would say that we +"legal bullies" are public benefactors in disguise. + +_The Judge._ There's something in what you say, Mr. BADGERER. But the +disguise need not be so complete as it is. I suppose it's a verdict +for the Defendants? _With_ costs, yes. Gentlemen of the Jury, I can't +sufficiently express my sense of the nobility of your conduct in +listening to the evidence as you have done--though, of course, if +you had _not_ listened, I should have committed you all for contempt +in double-quick time--and you will now return a verdict for the +Defendants. + + [_Left sitting._ + + * * * * * + +"THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS."--No. XXVI. next week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS. + +ANOTHER SAVING. + +DURING THE ADJOURNMENT, THEIR LORDSHIPS WILL ASSIST IN THE REFRESHMENT +DEPARTMENT. + +_Thirsty Attorney._ "NOT TOO MUCH FROTH ON, MY LUD!"] + + * * * * * + +TO POLICE CONSTABLES SMEETH AND TAPPIN. + + [In endeavouring to capture a gang of burglars at Greenwich, + these two constables were dreadfully battered. But they kept + up the pursuit until the ruffians were secured.] + + Your hand, Mr. TAPPIN, your hand, Mr. SMEETH. + To the men who protect us we offer no wreath. + They face for our sakes all the rogues and the brutes, + Getting cracks from their bludgeons and kicks from their boots. + + They are battered and bruised, yet they never give in, + And at last by good luck they may manage to win. + Then, their heads beaten in all through scorning to shirk, + Scarred and seamed they return without fuss to their work. + + O pair of good-plucked 'uns, ye heroes in blue, + As modest as brave, let us give you your due. + Though we cannot do much, we'll do all that we can, + Since our hearts throb with pride at the sight of a Man. + + Mr. SMEETH you're a man, Mr. TAPPIN's another; + _Mr. Punch_--pray permit him--henceforth is your brother. + We are proud of you both, and we'll all of us cheer + These Peelers from Greenwich who never knew fear. + + * * * * * + +MORE BONES TO PICK WITH THE SCHOOL BOARD. + +We see there has been some churlish cavilling in some quarters because +the School Management Committee of the London School Board passed +a requisition in November last, sanctioning the purchase of an +articulated skeleton for the Belleville Road School, at the very +reasonable sum of L8 16s. Why make any bones about the matter? What +more ornamental and indeed indispensable article of school-furniture +than a human skeleton nearly six foot high? Still, should the past +system of expenditure be continued in the future, _Mr. Punch_ +would suggest that excellent and infinitely cheaper substitutes for +skeletons will be found in the persons of the rate-payers themselves. + + * * * * * + +CUPID'S TENNIS-COURTS.--Under the heading "Tennis in the Riviera," the +_Daily Telegraph_ recently gave us some important news, which should +largely influence the Matrimonial Market. The names of Ladies and +Gentlemen, both "singles" (a not strictly grammatical plural, by the +way, but what's grammar in a game of Thirty to Love?) were given. +There was, however, no mention of "ties" or of matches to come. + + * * * * * + +A CORRESPONDENT SIGNING HIMSELF "MINCING LANE" WRITES,--"Sir,--The +_Saturday Review_ complained of Mr. TREE's gait as _Hamlet_, 'which,' +said the Critic, 'reminds one too much of AGAG.' Most cutting +comparison for an actor sticking rigidly to the Shakspearian text! +If there were interpolations in the text of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's own +introduction, then indeed he might remind them of _A-gag_; that is, if +he were continually a-gagging.--M.L." + + * * * * * + +NEW BOOK.--Soon may be expected, _A Guide to the Unknown Tongs_, by +the Author of _A Handbook to Poker_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP--THE LAST +LAP.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FICTION--PRESENT STYLE. + +_Gertrude._ "YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING NOW, MARGARET, BUT GO TO ALL SORTS +OF CHURCHES, AND READ THOSE OLD BOOKS OF THEOLOGY. YOU NEVER USED TO +BE LIKE THAT." + +_Margaret._ "HOW CAN I HELP IT, GERTY?--I'M WRITING A POPULAR NOVEL!"] + + * * * * * + +TAKE CARE! + +A SONG OF CONVALESCENCE AFTER INFLUENZA. + +_BY AN IMPATIENT PATIENT._ + +AIR--"_Beware!_" + + "I feel as well as well can be!"-- + _Take care!_ + La Grippe's deceptive dontcher see, + Beware! Beware! + Trust it not, + 'Twill be fooling thee; + + It's just three weeks since I was "down!"-- + _Take care!_ + "I'm wanted very much in town." + Beware! Beware! + Run no risk, + 'Tis humbugging thee! + + "_I_ feel all right,--as well as you!"-- + _Take care!_ + What feeling tells you is not true! + Beware! Beware! + Pneumonia waits + To be nipping thee! + + "You Doctors are such funny chaps!"-- + _Take care!_ + We know the dangers of Relapse. + Beware! Beware! + Flout me not, + _I'm_ not fooling thee! + + "Too long you pillow us and pill us!"-- + _Take care!_ + You don't half know that blarmed bacillus. + Beware! Beware! + Brave it not, + 'Twill be flooring thee! + + "The fever's gone, the aches seem vanished." + _Take care!_ + They come back when you think 'em banished. + Beware! Beware! + Trust 'em not, + They'll be dodging thee! + + "Oh, come, I say, look here, you know!"-- + _Take care!_ + Your pulse is yet two beats too slow. + Beware! Beware! + Trifle not, + Sense is schooling thee! + + "Three weeks have I been on my back!"-- + _Take care!_ + You don't want to _renew_ the rack. + Beware! Beware! + East winds are out, + They'll be cooling thee! + + "It is a _beast_ of a complaint!"-- + _Take care!_ + Don't storm! Your pulse is fluttering, faint. + Beware! Beware! + Worry not, + Think of _syncope_! + + "Tush! Taking Care's the awfullest worry!"-- + _Take care!_ + For "Complications" punish hurry. + Beware! Beware! + Resist him not, + Who'd be ruling thee! + + Keep warm indoors, take lots of rest. + _Take care_! + That of all counsels is _the_ best. + Beware! Beware! + _Out_? Cert'nly _not_! + For two weeks--or _three_! + + [_Left fuming._ + + * * * * * + +"ON THE SLY."--The name of Mr. J.E. SLY was mentioned in the _World_ +last week as a candidate for the office of High Bailiff of the City +of London Court. Quite a Shakspearian name is _Sly_. "Look in the +Chronicles," quoth _Christopher_ of that ilk, "We came in with RICHARD +Conqueror." We drink success to him in "a pot of the smallest ale" and +"Let the _World_ slip,"--whether it did slip or not, the event will +prove,--"We shall ne'er be younger." + + * * * * * + +"CHARLES, HIS FRIENDS."--The Gentlemen who sought to adorn King +CHARLES's statue with wreaths on the 30th January, are not to be +beheaded. Like the White Rose League, their Jacobark is worse than +their Jacobite. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: (H)] + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, February_ 9.--House met to-day for what, +the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE tells me, must needs be last Session +of present Parliament. Appropriately funereal air over scene and +proceedings. Usually Members return to work in highest spirits. +Remember, in years gone by, before the blight of neglect in high +places fell upon him, how dear old PETER RYLANDS enjoyed himself +on these occasions. What long strides he used to take, bustling to +and fro! What thunderous slaps of friendly welcome he bestowed on +shrinking shoulders! What digs of deep and subtle humour he dealt to +unresponsive ribs! + +If PETER were with us to-day, it is probable that even his +effervescence of natural spirits would droop under prevalent gloom. +The familiar place is a House of Mourning. Members tread softly, lest +they should disturb the sick or wake the dead. Everyone has had the +influenza, fears he is going to catch it, or mourns someone whom it +has snatched away. + +When SPEAKER took Chair and business commenced, a glance round crowded +benches brought back memory of much that has happened in the Recess. + +"'Tis not alone this inky cloak, good TOBY, worn in sign of public +mourning," said WILFRID LAWSON, strangely subdued; "the House of +Commons has had its losses." + +"Yes," I say, looking across at the Treasury Bench, where in the +last weeks of July we were wont to see the kindly anxious face of +OLD MORALITY, never more to cheer us with his little aphorisms, and +incite to following his pathway of duty to his QUEEN and country. In +his place, alert, youthful, strong, with ready smile breaking the +unfamiliar gravity; of face and manner, sits the new Leader, still +blushing under effect of ringing cheer that welcomed him to his high +position. + +Lower down, filled up by another, is the place whence used frequently +to arise a tall, almost gaunt, figure, which, with voice and +manner indicating close associations with the Church pulpit, read +from manuscript neatly-constructed answers designed to crush +HENNIKER-HEATON. A kindly man and an able was RAIKES, who did not +obtain full recognition for his administration of the office to which +he was called. + +On the other side of the House a great gap is made by the withdrawal +of PARNELL from the scene. A second, of quite other association, yawns +where genial DICK POWER used to sit, and wonder what on earth he did +in this galley, when he might have been riding to hounds in County +Waterford. HARTINGTON gone, too, an unspeakable loss to gentlemen on +the benches immediately behind. Many are the weary hours they have +wiled away wondering whether, at the next backward jerk of the head +of the sleeping statesman, his hat would tumble off, or whether +catastrophe would be further postponed. In HARTINGTON's place sits +CHAMBERLAIN, much too wide awake to afford opportunity for speculation +on that or cognate circumstance. + +In his old corner-seat, in friendly contiguity, with his revered +friend on the Treasury Bench, GRANDOLPH lounges contemplative. Met him +earlier in afternoon. Passed us in corridor as I was talking to the +MARKISS, who was anxious to know how the dinner went off last night, +at which nephew ARTHUR appeared in character of the New Host at +Downing Street. The MARKISS looked narrowly at GRANDOLPH as he passed +with head hung down, tugging at his moustache. + +"You remember TOBY, what HEINE said of DE MUSSET? 'A young man with a +great future--behind him.' There he goes." + +"Don't you believe it, my Lord," I said, with the frankness that +endears me to the aristocracy. "You'll make a grave mistake if you act +upon that view of GRANDOLPH's position." + +"Ah, well," said the MARKISS, a little hastily; "I must go and see +STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL about this Portugal business." + +As he strode off I thought how precise and graphic remains +Lord LYTTON's description of him, written before he came to the +Premiership:-- + + "The large slouching shoulder, as oppressed + By the prone head, habitually stoops + Above a world his contemplative gaze + Peruses, finding little there to praise." + +Sorry I vexed him. + +Some disappointment at GRANDOLPH's appearance. Hoped he might do +honour to occasion by presenting himself in the attire clad in which +he of late roamed through Mashonaland. It would have been much more +picturesque than either of the uniforms in which mover and seconder +of Address are obviously and uncomfortably sewn up preparatory to +reciting the bald commonplace of their studiously conned lesson. + +"He might at least," said CHAPLIN, who, as Minister for Agriculture, +takes an interest in specimens of animal produce, "have brought with +him the skin of one of those nine lions he shot from the oak in which +CHARLES THE FIRST took refuge." + +[Illustration: "No gun made would carry so far."] + +GRANDOLPH affects not to hear this whispered remark. It was +addressed to NICHOLAS WOOD, who, leaning over back of Treasury +Bench, laboriously explains that CHAPLIN is a little mixed; that the +oak-tree to which he alludes was grown on English ground--wasn't it +in Worcestershire?--and therefore could not afford a safe place of +retreat whence lions might be potted in Central Africa. + +"There is," said NICHOLAS, emphatically, "no gun made that would carry +so far." + +"Pish!" said CHAPLIN, somewhat inconsequentially. + +GRANDOLPH looks across at Front Opposition Bench, and wonders how +Mr. G. is enjoying himself in the Sunny South. "Younger than any of +'em," GRANDOLPH admits. "Odd that with a general sweeping away of the +Leaders in their places last Session, only he should be left. Expect +he'll see us all out." + +"Order! order!" + +'Tis the voice of the SPEAKER. I thought he'd complain. + +"Notices of Motion!" he calls, in sonorous voice. Then the dreary +business begins, MILMAN having all the fun to himself as he pulls +a lucky number put of the Ballot Box, and Members rise in long +succession, giving notice of interminable Bills and Motions, just as +they did at the beginning of last Session, when HARTINGTON slept on +the Front Opposition Bench, when OLD MORALITY fidgetted uneasily in +the seat of Leader, and when PARNELL stood with his back to the wall +in Committee Room No. 15. + + * * * * * + +TRULY AND REELLY.--Why didn't they at once elect COTTON, Alderman, +Poet, and Haberdasher, for the office of City Chamberlain, without +waiting for a show of hands and the rest of it? Of course COTTON ought +to have been elected right off the reel. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, Feb. 13, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14845.txt or 14845.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/4/14845/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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