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diff --git a/14845-h/14845-h.htm b/14845-h/14845-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea901ca --- /dev/null +++ b/14845-h/14845-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1862 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, February 13, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +Feb. 13, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 13, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14845] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 13, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" + id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span> + + <h2>"PLEASING THE PIGS!" (From a Private and Confidential + Report.)</h2> + + <p>Mr. CHAPLIN received a deputation on the subject of the + Swine-fever last week. True to his dramatic instincts as + regards the fitness of things, the Minister for Agriculture + was, on this occasion, wearing a Sow-wester. He regretted that + he was unable to don a pig-tail, which, as the representative + of the Fine Old English Gentleman of years gone by, he should + much like to do, but it was a fashion with the pig-wigs of the + last century which he hoped to see revived as "a tail of old + times." It was better, far better to be pig-tailed as were + their great grandfathers, than to be pigheaded as were so many + people with pig-culiar notions, specially in Scotland.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/73-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"I am doing and have been doing," said the Ministering + CHAPLIN, "my very best to please the pigs, but there are some + pigs that won't be pleased when they find that everything is + not going to be done for them gratis. You may take this for + grunted,—I should say granted. Now let me give you an + illustration. There were five pigs belonging to a well-known + littery family. The first pig went to market but no one would + purchase him, the second pig stayed at home (not feeling well), + the third pig had pleuro-pneumonia, and the fourth pig was in + full swing—if you can imagine a pig in a swing—of + swine-fever; and the fifth and quite the smallest pig of the + lot, a mere sucking-pig, went 'wheeze, wheeze, wheeze!' and + 'wheezes' were always a very bad sign. <i>À propos</i> of + 'signs' I have little doubt but that the well-known sign of the + 'Pig and Whistle' descends to us from ancient times of + Influenza. He trusted that the whole pig-family would soon be + pigging up again."</p> + + <p>The Right Hon. Gentleman finished by apologising for not + being able to quote anything apposite from the works of either + the philosophic BACON, the Ettrick Shepherd HOGG, or the poetic + SUCKLING, his motto for the present being "<i>porker + verba</i>," and he had to issue a Circular about the cattle who + were all going wrong.</p> + + <p>The Deputation thanked Mr. CHAPLIN, and unanimously + expressed their opinion, that where pigs were concerned, the + Minister should have his stye-pend increased. Noticing that Mr. + CHAPLIN had risen from his chair, and had assumed a threatening + attitude, the Deputation hurriedly thanked the Minister of + Agriculture, and speedily withdrew.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IN LAST WEEK'S NUMBER.—"Mire + t + = Mitre."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>Charles Haddon Spurgeon.</h2> + + <h4 class="sc">Born, June 19, 1834. Died, Jan. 31, 1892.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sturdy saint-militant, stout, genial soul,</p> + + <p>Through good and ill report you've reached the + goal</p> + + <p>Of all brave effort, and attained that light</p> + + <p>Which makes our clearest noontide seem as night.</p> + + <p>How much 'twill show us all! We boast our + clarity</p> + + <p>Of spiritual sense, but mutual charity</p> + + <p>Is still our nearest need when faith grows + fierce</p> + + <p>And even hope earth's mists can hardly pierce.</p> + + <p>You were much loved; you spake a potent word</p> + + <p>In the world's ear, and listening thousands + heard</p> + + <p>With joy that clear and confident appeal.</p> + + <p>The lingering doubts finer-strung spirits feel,</p> + + <p>The sensitive shrinkings from familiar touch</p> + + <p>Of the high mysteries, moved you not. Of such</p> + + <p>The great throng-stirrers! And you stirred the + throng</p> + + <p>Who felt you honest and who knew you strong;</p> + + <p>Racy of homely earth, yet spirit-fired</p> + + <p>With all their higher moods felt, loved, + desired.</p> + + <p>Puritan, yet of no ascetic strain</p> + + <p>Or arid straitness, freshening as the rain</p> + + <p>And healthy as the clod; a native force</p> + + <p>Incult yet quickening, cleaving its straight + course</p> + + <p>Unchecked, unchastened, conquering to the end.</p> + + <p>Crudeness may chill, and confidence offend,</p> + + <p>But manhood, mother wit, and selfless zeal,</p> + + <p>Speech clear as light, and courage true as steel</p> + + <p>Must win the many. Honest soul and brave,</p> + + <p>The greatest drop their garlands on your grave!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>'LOOK HERE, UPON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS!'</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/73-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/73-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <h4>(<i>The Haymarket Hamlet as he is and ought to + be.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Mr. H. Kemble</i>. "My dear Tree, <i>I</i> ought to have + played <i>Hamlet</i>. First, my name—Kemble. Secondly, + Shakspeare's authority—'Oh, that this too too solid flesh + would melt,' and again, 'Fat and scant of breath'!"</p> + + <p><i>Mr. B. Tree</i>. "All right, my dear Kemble. Quite true + what you say; and, any night I am unable to play, you shall be + my double!"</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>WHIPPED IN VAIN.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By an M.P. of a Retiring Nature.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Whip, he writes to me to-day,</p> + + <p class="i2">Not, as his wont, in tones pacific,</p> + + <p>But in the very strongest way,</p> + + <p class="i2">And using language quite terrific.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He hopes to see me in my place,</p> + + <p class="i2">And woe betide the sad seceder,</p> + + <p>Whose absence helps to throw disgrace</p> + + <p class="i2">Both on his Party and his Leader.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I throw my hat up to the sky.</p> + + <p class="i2">At taunts of treason or defection</p> + + <p>I flip my fingers. What care I?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>For I do NOT seek re-election!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"THIS INDENTURE WITNESSETH."—According to the + <i>Times</i> of Friday last, February 5, Cardinal MANNING died + practically a pauper. He had given everything away in charity. + He was a "Prince of the Church," and his gifts to others were, + indeed, princely. In the wills and deeds of how many of our + Very Reverend and Right Reverend Lordships shall we find + nothing gathered up and bequeathed of the loaves and fishes + which have fallen to their share? Such a testament as the + Cardinal's would be in quite a New Testamentary spirit.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FOREIGN AND HOME NEWS.—"The Prussian Education Bill," + remarked an elderly bachelor to. Mr. PETER FAMILIAS, "is a very + important matter; because you see—"</p> + + <p>"Hang the Prussian Education Bill!" interrupted PETER F., + testily. "You should see the English Education Bill I've had + for my boy's schooling last half!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" + id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFEBOAT-MEN.</h2> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/74.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/74.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[The President of the Board of Trade has, by command of + the QUEEN, conveyed, through the Royal National Lifeboat + Institution, to the crews of the lifeboats of Atherfield, + Brightstone, and Brooke, Her Majesty's warm appreciation of + their gallant conduct in saving the crew and passengers of + the steamship <i>Eider</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your hand, lad! 'Tis wet with the brine, and the + salt spray has sodden your hair,</p> + + <p>And the face of you glisteneth pale with the stress + of the struggle out there;</p> + + <p>But the savour of salt is as sweet to the sense of a + Briton, sometimes,</p> + + <p>As the fragrance of wet mignonette, or the scent of + the bee-haunted limes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ay, sweeter is manhood, though rough, than the + smoothest effeminate charms</p> + + <p>To the old sea-king strain in our blood in the + season of shocks and alarms,</p> + + <p>When the winds and the waves and the rocks make a + chaos of danger and strife;</p> + + <p>And the need of the moment is pluck, and the guerdon + of valour is life.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That guerdon you've snatched from the teeth of the + thundering tiger-maw'd waves,</p> + + <p>And the valour that smites is as naught, after all, + to the valour that saves.</p> + + <p>They are safe on the shore, who had sunk in the + whirl of the floods but for <i>you</i>!</p> + + <p>And some said you had lost your old grit and + devotion! We knew 'twas not true.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The soft-hearted shore-going critics of conduct + themselves would not dare,</p> + + <p>The trivial cocksure belittlers of dangers they have + not to share,</p> + + <p>Claim much—oh <i>so</i> much, from rough + manhood,—unflinching cool daring in fray,</p> + + <p>And selflessness utter, from toilers with little of + praise, and less pay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Her heroes to get "on the cheap" from the rough rank + and file of her sons</p> + + <p>Has been England's good fortune so long, that the + scribblers' swift tongue-babble + runs</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" + id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span> + + <p>To the old easy tune without thought. "Gallant + sea-dogs and life-savers!" Yes!</p> + + <p>But poor driblets of lyrical praise should not be + their sole guerdon, I guess.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On the coast, in the mine, at the fire, in the dark + city byeways at night,</p> + + <p>They are ready the waves, or the flames, or the + bludgeoning burglar to fight.</p> + + <p>And are <i>we</i> quite as ready to mark, or to + fashion a fitting reward</p> + + <p>For the coarsely-clad commonplace men who our life + and our property guard?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A question <i>Punch</i> puts to the Public, and on + your behalf, my brave lad,</p> + + <p>And that of your labouring like. To accept your + stout help we are glad:</p> + + <p>If supply of cheap heroes <i>should</i> slacken, and + life-saving valour grow <i>dear</i>—</p> + + <p>Say as courts, party-statesmen, or + churches—'twould make some exchequers look + queer.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Do we quite do our part, we shore-goers? Those + lights could not flash through the fog,</p> + + <p>And how often must rescuer willing lie idle on land + like a log</p> + + <p>For lack of the warning of coast-wires from + lighthouse or lightship? 'Tis flat</p> + + <p>That we, lad, have not done <i>our</i> duty, until + we have altered all that.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, you have done yours, and successfully, + <i>this</i> time at least, and at night.</p> + + <p>All rescued. How gladly the last must have looked on + that brave "Comet Light,"</p> + + <p>As you put from the wave-battered wreck. Cold, + surf-buffeted, weary, and drenched,</p> + + <p>Your pluck, like the glare from that beacon, flamed + on through the dark hours unquenched.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Nor then was your labour at end. There was treasure + to save and to land.</p> + + <p>Well done, life-boat heroes, once more! <i>Punch</i> + is proud to take grip of your hand!</p> + + <p>Your QUEEN, ever quick to praise manhood, has spoken + in words you will hail,</p> + + <p>And 'twere shame to the People of England, if they + in their part were to fail.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LAST OF THE GUARDS.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Song of Sentiment, to the Tune of "Fair Lady Elizabeth + Mugg."</i> (<i>"Rejected Addresses."</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The last of the old Mail-guards is about to disappear + from the service of the Post Office. Fifty-six years have + elapsed since Mr. MOSES NOBBS—for such is the + venerable official's name—was selected to undertake + the duties of Guard to one of the Royal + Mails."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Historical Muse! are you sober?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Is</i> he, the old Mail-guard, + alive,</p> + + <p>Who probably swigged sound October</p> + + <p class="i2">From flagons, in One, Eight, Three, + Five?</p> + + <p>When PILCH went a-slogging, and CLARKE</p> + + <p class="i2">Was a-studying slow underhand lobs?</p> + + <p>Hooray for that evergreen spark,</p> + + <p class="i2">The veteran Guard, MOSES + NOBBS!<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why, MOSES, thus bring to a close</p> + + <p class="i2">Your fifty-six years on the road?</p> + + <p>Do you yearn, after all, for repose,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who with zeal half-a-century glowed?</p> + + <p>The Muse makes her moan at your loss,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Sentiment silently sobs.</p> + + <p>Ah! Time, friend, will play pitch-and-toss</p> + + <p class="i2">With all of us, even a NOBBS!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One sees your Mail-Coach all a-blaze,</p> + + <p class="i2">A masterly hand on the rein,</p> + + <p>In those rollicking, railway-less days,</p> + + <p class="i2">Which never shall greet us again.</p> + + <p>That tootling tin-horn one can hear;</p> + + <p class="i2">The old buffers, with breeches and + fobs,</p> + + <p>One can picture; they doubtless were dear</p> + + <p class="i2">To the bosom of brave MOSES NOBBS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That blunderbuss, too! Good old Guard!</p> + + <p class="i2">At what Knight of the Road has it + shot?</p> + + <p>And do you remember the bard</p> + + <p class="i2">Who gave us "<i>The Tantivy + Trot</i>?"</p> + + <p>Mr. EGERTON WARBURTON's gone,</p> + + <p class="i2">No longer the Highwayman robs;</p> + + <p>And silence now settles upon</p> + + <p class="i2">The Last of the Guards—MOSES + NOBBS!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yet oblivion shall not descend</p> + + <p class="i2">On that name till a stave hath been + sung.</p> + + <p>The Muse is antiquity's friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in praise of the past will give + tongue.</p> + + <p>If CRACKNALL, the Tantivy Whip,</p> + + <p class="i2">Claimed song, they're but <i>parvenu</i> + snobs</p> + + <p>Who say that the lyre should let slip</p> + + <p class="i2">The memory of stout MOSES NOBBS.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Mail-Coach, my NOBBS, is no more</p> + + <p class="i2">What it was when you put on the man;</p> + + <p>We've Mail Trains, all rattle and roar,</p> + + <p class="i2">And that portent, the Packet Post + Van.</p> + + <p>A Pullman, and not the Box-seat,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the aim of our modern Lord BOBS;</p> + + <p>But the old recollections are sweet;</p> + + <p class="i2">And <i>Punch</i> drinks to your health, + MOSES NOBBS!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>The <i>Telegraph</i> gives the gentleman's name both as + "NOBBS" and "NOGGS." As "NOBBS" comes first, <i>Mr. + Punch</i> adopts it, he hopes without misnaming the + illustrious veteran.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/75.png" + alt="KIND INQUIRIES." /></a> + + <h3>KIND INQUIRIES.</h3> + + <p><i>The Dean's Wife.</i> "IS THE DEAR BISHOP STILL + LIVING?"</p> + + <p><i>Episcopal Butler.</i> "OH YES, MA'AM. HE'S + <i>BETTER</i> TO-DAY! WE'RE ALL SAYING HE'S GOING TO + DISAPPOINT 'EM <i>YET</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" + id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span> + + <h2>CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2> + + <h3>IV.—THE DUFFER AS COLLECTOR.</h3> + + <p>I may be a Duffer, but I hope I am neither an idiot nor a + cad. I have never collected postage-stamps, nor outraged common + humanity by asking people to send me their autographs. With + these exceptions I have failed as a collector of almost + everything. To succeed you need luck, and a dash of + unscrupulousness, and careful attention to details, and a + sceptical habit of mind. Even as a small boy I used to waste my + shillings at a funny little curiosity-shop, kept by a nice old + lady who knew no more about her wares than I did. Here I + acquired quite a series of old coppers, which Mrs. SOMERVILLE + said were ancient Bactrian. We asked where Bactria was, and she + replied that it was a "country beyond Cyrus." We answered that + Cyrus was not a territorial but a personal name, "A fellow, + don't you know, not a place," but the old lady's information + stopped there. I wonder where my Bactrian Collection is now. + Certainly I never sold it; indeed, I never sold anything; not + only because nobody would buy, but because, after all, one is a + Collector, not a tradesman. Birds' eggs I would have collected + if I could, but you had first to find the bird's nest (almost + an impossible quest for a born Duffer), and to blow the eggs, + which, let me tell you, needs nicety of handling. I did once + find a thrush's nest, and tried blowing an egg, but it was not + wholly a success, and the egg (the contents of which I + accidentally absorbed) was not wholly fresh. Then it is awkward + when you are at the top of a tall tree, with an egg in your + mouth, for safety, if the other boys make you laugh, as you try + to come down. It is the egg which,—but enough! Everyone + who has been in that position will understand what is meant. It + is not difficult to collect shells on the seashore, but it is + extremely difficult to find out what shells they are, after you + have collected them.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/76.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/76.png" + alt="'And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the misfortune to break several windows.'" /> + </a>"And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had + the misfortune to break several windows." + </div> + + <p>Conchology is no child's play. As to collecting marine + animals for an aquarium, the trouble begins when you forget + your acquisitions, and carry them about for some time in the + pockets of your jacket. That jacket is apt to be dusted by the + bigger boys, who also interfere with your affections for toads, + lizards, snakes and other live stock dear to youth. The common + ambition of boyhood is to be a great rabbit-grower, but, + somehow, my rabbits did not thrive. The cats got at them, and, + in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the misfortune + to break several windows, and riddle a conservatory.</p> + + <p>The chief objects of my later ambition have been rare old + books, gems, engravings, china, and so forth. All these things, + if they are to be collected, demand that you shall have your + wits about you; and the peculiarity of the Duffer is that his + wits are always wool-gathering. A nice collection of wool they + must have stored up somewhere. As to books, one invariably + begins by collecting the wrong things. In novels and essays you + read of "priceless Elzevirs," and "Aldines worth their weight + in gold." Fired with hope, you hang about all the stalls, where + you find myriads of Elzevirs, dumpy, dirty little tomes, in + small illegible type, and legions of Aldines, books quite as + dirty, if not so dumpy, and equally illegible, for they are + printed in italics. You think you are in luck, invest largely, + and begin to give yourself the airs of an amateur and a + discoverer. Then comes somebody who knows about the matter in + hand, and who tells you, with all the savage joy of a + collector, that nobody wants any Elzevirs and Aldines, except a + very few, and they must be in beautiful old bindings, uncut + down, or scarcely cut down by the binder. These you may long + for, but you certainly will never find them in the fourpenny + box. The Duffer is always making the mistake of buying small + bargains, as he thinks them, and so he will spend, in some + time, perhaps, a hundred pounds. With a hundred pounds, and + with luck, and prudence, and cunning, he might perhaps buy one + small volume which a collector who knew his business would not + wholly disdain. But, as it is, he has squandered his money, and + has nothing to show for it but a heap of trash, of the wrong + date, without the necessary misprints in the right places, + ragged, short, and, above all, <i>imperfect</i>. I suppose I + have the richest collection of imperfect books in the world. + One hugs oneself on one's <i>Lucasta</i> (very rare), or one's + Elzevir <i>Cæsar</i> of the right date, or one's first edition + of MOLIÈRE, and then comes, with fiendish glee, the regular + collector, and shows you that <i>Lucasta</i> has not the + portrait of LOVELACE, that <i>Cæsar</i> has not his pagination + all wrong (as he ought to have), that the Molières are Lyons + piracies, that half of GILBERT's <i>Gentleman's Diversion</i> + is not bound up with the rest, that, generally speaking, there + are pages missing here and there all through your books, which + you have never "collated," that "a ticket of PADELOUP, the + binder, has been taken off some broken board of a book, and + stuck on to a modern imitation, and so forth, all through the + collection. You cannot sell it; nobody will take as a present + this Library of a Gentleman who has given up collecting; even + Free Libraries do not want this kind of treasure, and so it + remains, littering your shelves, a monument of folly. Happy are + the Duffers whose eyes are impenetrably sealed, and who can go + on believing, in spite of a modern water-mark, in their sham + BURNS MSS. and their volumes with autographs of all the + celebrated characters in history. But my eyes are purged, and I + do not think you shall find me collecting old books any more. + Certainly I shall not venture into auction-rooms, compete with + the Trade, and get left with a book artfully run up, thanks to + my enthusiasm, to four or five times its market value.</p> + + <p>As to china, what the Duffer buys is invariably cracked, and + the "marks" on which he places confidence are flagrant + imitations. He usually begins by supposing that Crown Derby is + a priceless possession, also he has a touching faith in chipped + blue and white cups and saucers, marked with a crescent. + Worcester they may be, but not the right sort of Worcester. And + Crown Derby is the very Aldine or Elzevir of this market. You + might as well collect shares in the Great Montezuma Gold Mine, + and expect to derive benefit from the investment.</p> + + <p>Gems are among the things that the Duffer may most wisely + collect, for the excellent reason that, in this country, he + very seldom indeed finds any for sale. He cannot come to much + sorrow, for lack of opportunities. In Italy it is different. + How many beautiful works of Art I have acquired in Florence, at + considerable ransoms, all of them signed in neat, but illegible + Greek capitals. I puzzled over them with microscopes. The names + seemed to end in ΙΧΛΗΣ. I thought myself a + rival of BLACAS, or Lord KILSYTH, or the British Museum. Then my + friend, WILKINS, came in. "Pretty enough pastes of the last century + I see," he remarks. "Pastes!—last century!" I indignantly + exclaim; "why they're of the best period: Sards, all of them + signed, but I can't make out the artist's name." "It is + PICHLER," says WILKINS, "he usually signed, for fear his things + should be sold as antiques." I had to give in about PICHLER + (which certainly does not sound very Greek); "but here," I + said, "you can't call <i>this</i> paste, you can't scratch the + back of it." "I know I can't," says WILKINS, examining the + ring, "for a very good reason, because a thin layer of sard has + been inserted behind. But it's paste, for all that."</p> + + <p>"Well," I say, "here's a genuine ancient ring, old gold, and + a lovely head of Prosperine in cornelian."</p> + + <p>"Well, this <i>is</i> odd," says WILKINS, "I know the + setting is genuine, I have seen it before. But then it had a + rubbishy late bit of work in it, and I was in the + <i>atelier</i> when a gem-cutter shaved away the top of the + stone, and copied your head of Prosperine on it from a Sicilian + coin. I can show you a coin of the same stamp in my + collection."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" + id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/78.png" + alt="'HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS.'" /></a> + + <h3>"HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS."</h3> + + <h4>VIEW OF THE STAGE ON THE RE-OPENING OF THE THEATRE + ROYAL WESTMINSTER.</h4> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page81" + id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span> + + <p>And he showed me it, otherwise I might have remained + incredulous. "These scarabs," he went on, "are from Birmingham, + I know the glaze. That gold Egyptian ring, Queen TAIA's do you + say, is Coptic, Cairo is full of them. That head of CÆSAR is a + copy from the one in the British Museum."</p> + + <p>"Why, it is rough with age," I said.</p> + + <p>"Ay, they've stuffed it down a turkey's crop, and it has got + rubbed up in the gravel with which the ingenious bird assists + the process of digestion. A <i>man</i> who could swallow that + gem is a goose."</p> + + <p>I am presenting my esteemed collection of ancient engraved + stones to my nephew at school, who shows all the character of + the collector. He may swop them for bats, or tarts, or he may + learn wisdom from the misfortunes of his uncle.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>IN THIS STYLE, SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE.</h2> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> (<i>rising to + cross-examine</i>). Then you assert that the golden + dinner-service which we are inquiring about was in your + possession on the evening of July 26th at half-past eight + o'clock?</p> + + <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> I do.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> And that when you went to take + them out of the strong-box at 9:15 for your party they had + disappeared?</p> + + <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> Quite so.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> Pardon my suggesting such a + thing, but I am instructed to ask you whether, when you + paid £800 to the rate-collector for arrears of rates on the + very next day, you had not obtained that sum by selling a + portion of this gold plate yourself?</p> + + <p><i>The Judge.</i> Really, Mr. BADGERER, this won't do at + all. "Legal bullying" is a thing of the past, and I shall + have to commit you for contempt if you make these unworthy + suggestions to the Witness.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> But, m'Lud, the whole point of + the defence is that the Plaintiff himself sto—</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>hastily interposing</i>). + —Sh! You must not talk like that. Remember that "the + floor of the Court is <i>not</i> the same thing as the + interior of a coal-barge."</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> (<i>sulkily</i>). Very well. + But I really don't know how I am to conduct my case if your + Ludship intervenes to check me. (<i>To</i> Witness.) I can + ask you <i>this</i> at any rate. Did you or did you not run + up to Town by an early train the morning after the + robbery?</p> + + <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> Certainly I did. I went to see my + tailor, in Bond Street.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> And why did you, then, go all + the way from Bond Street to the City, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Plaintiff</i> (<i>gravelled</i>). My Lord, I must + appeal for protection. The question is a bullying one.</p> + + <p><i>The Judge.</i> Oh, certainly! Counsel has no right to + ask such things. He ought to take the charitable view of + your actions, and suppose that you went to the City for a + mid-day chop, or because you wanted to look at St. Paul's, + or something of that kind. We must really try and conduct + our business as nobly as we can.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> (<i>pleasantly</i>). "<i>Que + Messieurs les assassins commencent!</i>" Then we will + presume that your predilection for City chops is so great, + that you went a couple of miles out of your way to get one, + and that your reason for dropping in at the establishment + of Messrs. BLANK, Goldsmiths, and offering them + half-a-dozen dessert-plates—</p> + + <p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Oh, really, this + is not at all—</p> + + <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> Quite the reverse. I won't stay here + to be insulted by anybody!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit hurriedly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> I am afraid the Police + Officers who are waiting outside to arrest our friend who + has just left the box will also be denounced as "legal + bullies." But after all one can't cross-examine a rogue on + rosewater principles. And if we Barristers sometimes do + make things rather rough for innocent Witnesses, by + dragging out unpleasant incidents in their careers, or + suggesting some that never occurred, by so acting we + provide a powerful inducement to people to avoid having + such unpleasant incidents to be dragged out. And if the + fear of cross-examination prevents actions being brought, + it thereby also prevents would-be litigants ruining + themselves in law expenses. With submission, m'Lud, and if + your Ludship pleases, I would say that we "legal bullies" + are public benefactors in disguise.</p> + + <p><i>The Judge.</i> There's something in what you say, Mr. + BADGERER. But the disguise need not be so complete as it + is. I suppose it's a verdict for the Defendants? + <i>With</i> costs, yes. Gentlemen of the Jury, I can't + sufficiently express my sense of the nobility of your + conduct in listening to the evidence as you have + done—though, of course, if you had <i>not</i> + listened, I should have committed you all for contempt in + double-quick time—and you will now return a verdict + for the Defendants.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left sitting.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>"THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS."—No. XXVI. next week.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/81.png" + alt="LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS." /></a> + + <h3>LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.</h3> + + <h4>ANOTHER SAVING.</h4> + + <h4 class="sc">During the Adjournment, their Lordships will + assist in the Refreshment Department.</h4><i>Thirsty + Attorney.</i> "NOT TOO MUCH FROTH ON, MY LUD!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO POLICE CONSTABLES SMEETH AND TAPPIN.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In endeavouring to capture a gang of burglars at + Greenwich, these two constables were dreadfully battered. + But they kept up the pursuit until the ruffians were + secured.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your hand, Mr. TAPPIN, your hand, Mr. SMEETH.</p> + + <p>To the men who protect us we offer no wreath.</p> + + <p>They face for our sakes all the rogues and the + brutes,</p> + + <p>Getting cracks from their bludgeons and kicks from + their boots.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They are battered and bruised, yet they never give + in,</p> + + <p>And at last by good luck they may manage to win.</p> + + <p>Then, their heads beaten in all through scorning to + shirk,</p> + + <p>Scarred and seamed they return without fuss to their + work.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O pair of good-plucked 'uns, ye heroes in blue,</p> + + <p>As modest as brave, let us give you your due.</p> + + <p>Though we cannot do much, we'll do all that we + can,</p> + + <p>Since our hearts throb with pride at the sight of a + Man.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mr. SMEETH you're a man, Mr. TAPPIN's another;</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>—pray permit + him—henceforth is your brother.</p> + + <p>We are proud of you both, and we'll all of us + cheer</p> + + <p>These Peelers from Greenwich who never knew + fear.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>MORE BONES TO PICK WITH THE SCHOOL BOARD.</h3> + + <p>We see there has been some churlish cavilling in some + quarters because the School Management Committee of the London + School Board passed a requisition in November last, sanctioning + the purchase of an articulated skeleton for the Belleville Road + School, at the very reasonable sum of £8 16<i>s.</i> Why make + any bones about the matter? What more ornamental and indeed + indispensable article of school-furniture than a human skeleton + nearly six foot high? Still, should the past system of + expenditure be continued in the future, <i>Mr. Punch</i> would + suggest that excellent and infinitely cheaper substitutes for + skeletons will be found in the persons of the rate-payers + themselves.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CUPID'S TENNIS-COURTS.—Under the heading "Tennis in + the Riviera," the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> recently gave us some + important news, which should largely influence the Matrimonial + Market. The names of Ladies and Gentlemen, both "singles" (a + not strictly grammatical plural, by the way, but what's grammar + in a game of Thirty to Love?) were given. There was, however, + no mention of "ties" or of matches to come.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A CORRESPONDENT SIGNING HIMSELF "MINCING LANE" + WRITES,—"Sir,—The <i>Saturday Review</i> complained + of Mr. TREE's gait as <i>Hamlet</i>, 'which,' said the Critic, + 'reminds one too much of AGAG.' Most cutting comparison for an + actor sticking rigidly to the Shakspearian text! If there were + interpolations in the text of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's own + introduction, then indeed he might remind them of <i>A-gag</i>; + that is, if he were continually a-gagging.—M.L."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW BOOK.—Soon may be expected, <i>A Guide to the + Unknown Tongs</i>, by the Author of <i>A Handbook to + Poker</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82" + id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/82.png" + alt="THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP—THE LAST LAP." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP—THE + LAST LAP.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83" + id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/83.png" + alt="FICTION—PRESENT STYLE." /></a> + + <h3>FICTION—PRESENT STYLE.</h3> + + <p><i>Gertrude.</i> "YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING NOW, MARGARET, + BUT GO TO ALL SORTS OF CHURCHES, AND READ THOSE OLD BOOKS + OF THEOLOGY. YOU NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THAT."</p> + + <p><i>Margaret.</i> "HOW CAN I HELP IT, GERTY?—I'M + WRITING A POPULAR NOVEL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>TAKE CARE!</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">A Song of Convalescence after Influenza.</h3> + + <h4><i>By an Impatient Patient.</i></h4> + + <center> + AIR—"<i>Beware!</i>" + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I feel as well as well can be!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>La Grippe's deceptive dontcher see,</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Trust it not,</p> + + <p class="i10">'Twill be fooling thee;</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's just three weeks since I was "down!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>"I'm wanted very much in town."</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Run no risk,</p> + + <p class="i10">'Tis humbugging thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"<i>I</i> feel all right,—as well as + you!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>What feeling tells you is not true!</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Pneumonia waits</p> + + <p class="i10">To be nipping thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"You Doctors are such funny chaps!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>We know the dangers of Relapse.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Flout me not,</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>I'm</i> not fooling thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Too long you pillow us and pill us!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>You don't half know that blarmed bacillus.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Brave it not,</p> + + <p class="i10">'Twill be flooring thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The fever's gone, the aches seem vanished."</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>They come back when you think 'em banished.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Trust 'em not,</p> + + <p class="i10">They'll be dodging thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, come, I say, look here, you know!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>Your pulse is yet two beats too slow.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Trifle not,</p> + + <p class="i10">Sense is schooling thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Three weeks have I been on my back!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>You don't want to <i>renew</i> the rack.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">East winds are out,</p> + + <p class="i10">They'll be cooling thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"It is a <i>beast</i> of a complaint!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>Don't storm! Your pulse is fluttering, faint.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Worry not,</p> + + <p class="i10">Think of <i>syncope</i>!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Tush! Taking Care's the awfullest + worry!"—</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p> + + <p>For "Complications" punish hurry.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10">Resist him not,</p> + + <p class="i10">Who'd be ruling thee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Keep warm indoors, take lots of rest.</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Take care</i>!</p> + + <p>That of all counsels is <i>the</i> best.</p> + + <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p> + + <p class="i10"><i>Out</i>? Cert'nly <i>not</i>!</p> + + <p class="i10">For two weeks—or <i>three</i>!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <center> + [<i>Left fuming.</i> + </center> + <hr /> + + <p>"ON THE SLY."—The name of Mr. J.E. SLY was mentioned + in the <i>World</i> last week as a candidate for the office of + High Bailiff of the City of London Court. Quite a Shakspearian + name is <i>Sly</i>. "Look in the Chronicles," quoth + <i>Christopher</i> of that ilk, "We came in with RICHARD + Conqueror." We drink success to him in "a pot of the smallest + ale" and "Let the <i>World</i> slip,"—whether it did slip + or not, the event will prove,—"We shall ne'er be + younger."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"CHARLES, HIS FRIENDS."—The Gentlemen who sought to + adorn King CHARLES's statue with wreaths on the 30th January, + are not to be beheaded. Like the White Rose League, their + Jacobark is worse than their Jacobite.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84" + id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/84-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/84-1.png" + alt="H" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, February</i> 9.—House + met to-day for what, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE tells me, + must needs be last Session of present Parliament. Appropriately + funereal air over scene and proceedings. Usually Members return + to work in highest spirits. Remember, in years gone by, before + the blight of neglect in high places fell upon him, how dear + old PETER RYLANDS enjoyed himself on these occasions. What long + strides he used to take, bustling to and fro! What thunderous + slaps of friendly welcome he bestowed on shrinking shoulders! + What digs of deep and subtle humour he dealt to unresponsive + ribs!</p> + + <p>If PETER were with us to-day, it is probable that even his + effervescence of natural spirits would droop under prevalent + gloom. The familiar place is a House of Mourning. Members tread + softly, lest they should disturb the sick or wake the dead. + Everyone has had the influenza, fears he is going to catch it, + or mourns someone whom it has snatched away.</p> + + <p>When SPEAKER took Chair and business commenced, a glance + round crowded benches brought back memory of much that has + happened in the Recess.</p> + + <p>"'Tis not alone this inky cloak, good TOBY, worn in sign of + public mourning," said WILFRID LAWSON, strangely subdued; "the + House of Commons has had its losses."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I say, looking across at the Treasury Bench, where in + the last weeks of July we were wont to see the kindly anxious + face of OLD MORALITY, never more to cheer us with his little + aphorisms, and incite to following his pathway of duty to his + QUEEN and country. In his place, alert, youthful, strong, with + ready smile breaking the unfamiliar gravity; of face and + manner, sits the new Leader, still blushing under effect of + ringing cheer that welcomed him to his high position.</p> + + <p>Lower down, filled up by another, is the place whence used + frequently to arise a tall, almost gaunt, figure, which, with + voice and manner indicating close associations with the Church + pulpit, read from manuscript neatly-constructed answers + designed to crush HENNIKER-HEATON. A kindly man and an able was + RAIKES, who did not obtain full recognition for his + administration of the office to which he was called.</p> + + <p>On the other side of the House a great gap is made by the + withdrawal of PARNELL from the scene. A second, of quite other + association, yawns where genial DICK POWER used to sit, and + wonder what on earth he did in this galley, when he might have + been riding to hounds in County Waterford. HARTINGTON gone, + too, an unspeakable loss to gentlemen on the benches + immediately behind. Many are the weary hours they have wiled + away wondering whether, at the next backward jerk of the head + of the sleeping statesman, his hat would tumble off, or whether + catastrophe would be further postponed. In HARTINGTON's place + sits CHAMBERLAIN, much too wide awake to afford opportunity for + speculation on that or cognate circumstance.</p> + + <p>In his old corner-seat, in friendly contiguity, with his + revered friend on the Treasury Bench, GRANDOLPH lounges + contemplative. Met him earlier in afternoon. Passed us in + corridor as I was talking to the MARKISS, who was anxious to + know how the dinner went off last night, at which nephew ARTHUR + appeared in character of the New Host at Downing Street. The + MARKISS looked narrowly at GRANDOLPH as he passed with head + hung down, tugging at his moustache.</p> + + <p>"You remember TOBY, what HEINE said of DE MUSSET? 'A young + man with a great future—behind him.' There he goes."</p> + + <p>"Don't you believe it, my Lord," I said, with the frankness + that endears me to the aristocracy. "You'll make a grave + mistake if you act upon that view of GRANDOLPH's position."</p> + + <p>"Ah, well," said the MARKISS, a little hastily; "I must go + and see STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL about this Portugal + business."</p> + + <p>As he strode off I thought how precise and graphic remains + Lord LYTTON's description of him, written before he came to the + Premiership:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The large slouching shoulder, as oppressed</p> + + <p class="i2">By the prone head, habitually stoops</p> + + <p>Above a world his contemplative gaze</p> + + <p class="i2">Peruses, finding little there to + praise."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>Sorry I vexed him.</p> + + <p>Some disappointment at GRANDOLPH's appearance. Hoped he + might do honour to occasion by presenting himself in the attire + clad in which he of late roamed through Mashonaland. It would + have been much more picturesque than either of the uniforms in + which mover and seconder of Address are obviously and + uncomfortably sewn up preparatory to reciting the bald + commonplace of their studiously conned lesson.</p> + + <p>"He might at least," said CHAPLIN, who, as Minister for + Agriculture, takes an interest in specimens of animal produce, + "have brought with him the skin of one of those nine lions he + shot from the oak in which CHARLES THE FIRST took refuge."</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/84-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/84-2.png" + alt="'No gun made would carry so far.'" /></a>"No gun + made would carry so far." + </div> + + <p>GRANDOLPH affects not to hear this whispered remark. It was + addressed to NICHOLAS WOOD, who, leaning over back of Treasury + Bench, laboriously explains that CHAPLIN is a little mixed; + that the oak-tree to which he alludes was grown on English + ground—wasn't it in Worcestershire?—and therefore + could not afford a safe place of retreat whence lions might be + potted in Central Africa.</p> + + <p>"There is," said NICHOLAS, emphatically, "no gun made that + would carry so far."</p> + + <p>"Pish!" said CHAPLIN, somewhat inconsequentially.</p> + + <p>GRANDOLPH looks across at Front Opposition Bench, and + wonders how Mr. G. is enjoying himself in the Sunny South. + "Younger than any of 'em," GRANDOLPH admits. "Odd that with a + general sweeping away of the Leaders in their places last + Session, only he should be left. Expect he'll see us all + out."</p> + + <p>"Order! order!"</p> + + <p>'Tis the voice of the SPEAKER. I thought he'd complain.</p> + + <p>"Notices of Motion!" he calls, in sonorous voice. Then the + dreary business begins, MILMAN having all the fun to himself as + he pulls a lucky number put of the Ballot Box, and Members rise + in long succession, giving notice of interminable Bills and + Motions, just as they did at the beginning of last Session, + when HARTINGTON slept on the Front Opposition Bench, when OLD + MORALITY fidgetted uneasily in the seat of Leader, and when + PARNELL stood with his back to the wall in Committee Room No. + 15.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TRULY AND REELLY.—Why didn't they at once elect + COTTON, Alderman, Poet, and Haberdasher, for the office of City + Chamberlain, without waiting for a show of hands and the rest + of it? Of course COTTON ought to have been elected right off + the reel.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. +102, Feb. 13, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14845-h.htm or 14845-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/4/14845/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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