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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102,
+Feb. 13, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 13, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14845]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+February 13, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+"PLEASING THE PIGS!" (FROM A PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL REPORT.)
+
+Mr. CHAPLIN received a deputation on the subject of the Swine-fever
+last week. True to his dramatic instincts as regards the fitness of
+things, the Minister for Agriculture was, on this occasion, wearing a
+Sow-wester. He regretted that he was unable to don a pig-tail, which,
+as the representative of the Fine Old English Gentleman of years gone
+by, he should much like to do, but it was a fashion with the pig-wigs
+of the last century which he hoped to see revived as "a tail of old
+times." It was better, far better to be pig-tailed as were their
+great grandfathers, than to be pigheaded as were so many people with
+pig-culiar notions, specially in Scotland.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I am doing and have been doing," said the Ministering CHAPLIN, "my
+very best to please the pigs, but there are some pigs that won't be
+pleased when they find that everything is not going to be done for
+them gratis. You may take this for grunted,--I should say granted. Now
+let me give you an illustration. There were five pigs belonging to
+a well-known littery family. The first pig went to market but no one
+would purchase him, the second pig stayed at home (not feeling well),
+the third pig had pleuro-pneumonia, and the fourth pig was in full
+swing--if you can imagine a pig in a swing--of swine-fever; and the
+fifth and quite the smallest pig of the lot, a mere sucking-pig, went
+'wheeze, wheeze, wheeze!' and 'wheezes' were always a very bad sign.
+_À propos_ of 'signs' I have little doubt but that the well-known
+sign of the 'Pig and Whistle' descends to us from ancient times of
+Influenza. He trusted that the whole pig-family would soon be pigging
+up again."
+
+The Right Hon. Gentleman finished by apologising for not being able
+to quote anything apposite from the works of either the philosophic
+BACON, the Ettrick Shepherd HOGG, or the poetic SUCKLING, his motto
+for the present being "_porker verba_," and he had to issue a Circular
+about the cattle who were all going wrong.
+
+The Deputation thanked Mr. CHAPLIN, and unanimously expressed their
+opinion, that where pigs were concerned, the Minister should have
+his stye-pend increased. Noticing that Mr. CHAPLIN had risen from
+his chair, and had assumed a threatening attitude, the Deputation
+hurriedly thanked the Minister of Agriculture, and speedily withdrew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IN LAST WEEK'S NUMBER.--"Mire + t = Mitre."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARLES HADDON SPURGEON.
+
+BORN, JUNE 19, 1834. DIED, JAN. 31, 1892.
+
+  Sturdy saint-militant, stout, genial soul,
+  Through good and ill report you've reached the goal
+  Of all brave effort, and attained that light
+  Which makes our clearest noontide seem as night.
+  How much 'twill show us all! We boast our clarity
+  Of spiritual sense, but mutual charity
+  Is still our nearest need when faith grows fierce
+  And even hope earth's mists can hardly pierce.
+  You were much loved; you spake a potent word
+  In the world's ear, and listening thousands heard
+  With joy that clear and confident appeal.
+  The lingering doubts finer-strung spirits feel,
+  The sensitive shrinkings from familiar touch
+  Of the high mysteries, moved you not. Of such
+  The great throng-stirrers! And you stirred the throng
+  Who felt you honest and who knew you strong;
+  Racy of homely earth, yet spirit-fired
+  With all their higher moods felt, loved, desired.
+  Puritan, yet of no ascetic strain
+  Or arid straitness, freshening as the rain
+  And healthy as the clod; a native force
+  Incult yet quickening, cleaving its straight course
+  Unchecked, unchastened, conquering to the end.
+  Crudeness may chill, and confidence offend,
+  But manhood, mother wit, and selfless zeal,
+  Speech clear as light, and courage true as steel
+  Must win the many. Honest soul and brave,
+  The greatest drop their garlands on your grave!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'LOOK HERE, UPON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS!'
+
+(_THE HAYMARKET HAMLET AS HE IS AND OUGHT TO BE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Mr. H. Kemble_. "My dear Tree, _I_ ought to have played _Hamlet_.
+First, my name--Kemble. Secondly, Shakspeare's authority--'Oh, that
+this too too solid flesh would melt,' and again, 'Fat and scant of
+breath'!"
+
+_Mr. B. Tree_. "All right, my dear Kemble. Quite true what you say;
+and, any night I am unable to play, you shall be my double!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHIPPED IN VAIN.
+
+(_BY AN M.P. OF A RETIRING NATURE._)
+
+  The Whip, he writes to me to-day,
+    Not, as his wont, in tones pacific,
+  But in the very strongest way,
+    And using language quite terrific.
+
+  He hopes to see me in my place,
+    And woe betide the sad seceder,
+  Whose absence helps to throw disgrace
+    Both on his Party and his Leader.
+
+  I throw my hat up to the sky.
+    At taunts of treason or defection
+  I flip my fingers. What care I?
+    _For I do NOT seek re-election!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THIS INDENTURE WITNESSETH."--According to the _Times_ of Friday last,
+February 5, Cardinal MANNING died practically a pauper. He had given
+everything away in charity. He was a "Prince of the Church," and his
+gifts to others were, indeed, princely. In the wills and deeds of how
+many of our Very Reverend and Right Reverend Lordships shall we find
+nothing gathered up and bequeathed of the loaves and fishes which have
+fallen to their share? Such a testament as the Cardinal's would be in
+quite a New Testamentary spirit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOREIGN AND HOME NEWS.--"The Prussian Education Bill," remarked an
+elderly bachelor to. Mr. PETER FAMILIAS, "is a very important matter;
+because you see--"
+
+"Hang the Prussian Education Bill!" interrupted PETER F., testily.
+"You should see the English Education Bill I've had for my boy's
+schooling last half!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFEBOAT-MEN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [The President of the Board of Trade has, by command of
+    the QUEEN, conveyed, through the Royal National Lifeboat
+    Institution, to the crews of the lifeboats of Atherfield,
+    Brightstone, and Brooke, Her Majesty's warm appreciation of
+    their gallant conduct in saving the crew and passengers of the
+    steamship _Eider_.]
+
+  Your hand, lad! 'Tis wet with the brine, and the salt spray has
+          sodden your hair,
+  And the face of you glisteneth pale with the stress of the
+          struggle out there;
+  But the savour of salt is as sweet to the sense of a Briton,
+          sometimes,
+  As the fragrance of wet mignonette, or the scent of the
+          bee-haunted limes.
+
+  Ay, sweeter is manhood, though rough, than the smoothest
+          effeminate charms
+  To the old sea-king strain in our blood in the season of shocks
+          and alarms,
+  When the winds and the waves and the rocks make a chaos of danger
+          and strife;
+  And the need of the moment is pluck, and the guerdon of valour is
+          life.
+
+  That guerdon you've snatched from the teeth of the thundering
+          tiger-maw'd waves,
+  And the valour that smites is as naught, after all, to the valour
+          that saves.
+  They are safe on the shore, who had sunk in the whirl of the
+          floods but for _you_!
+  And some said you had lost your old grit and devotion! We knew
+          'twas not true.
+
+  The soft-hearted shore-going critics of conduct themselves would
+          not dare,
+  The trivial cocksure belittlers of dangers they have not to share,
+  Claim much--oh _so_ much, from rough manhood,--unflinching cool
+          daring in fray,
+  And selflessness utter, from toilers with little of praise, and
+          less pay.
+
+  Her heroes to get "on the cheap" from the rough rank and file of
+          her sons
+  Has been England's good fortune so long, that the scribblers'
+          swift tongue-babble runs
+  To the old easy tune without thought. "Gallant sea-dogs and
+          life-savers!" Yes!
+  But poor driblets of lyrical praise should not be their sole
+          guerdon, I guess.
+
+  On the coast, in the mine, at the fire, in the dark city byeways
+          at night,
+  They are ready the waves, or the flames, or the bludgeoning
+          burglar to fight.
+  And are _we_ quite as ready to mark, or to fashion a fitting reward
+  For the coarsely-clad commonplace men who our life and our
+          property guard?
+
+  A question _Punch_ puts to the Public, and on your behalf, my
+          brave lad,
+  And that of your labouring like. To accept your stout help we are
+          glad:
+  If supply of cheap heroes _should_ slacken, and life-saving valour
+          grow _dear_--
+  Say as courts, party-statesmen, or churches--'twould make some
+          exchequers look queer.
+
+  Do we quite do our part, we shore-goers? Those lights could not
+          flash through the fog,
+  And how often must rescuer willing lie idle on land like a log
+  For lack of the warning of coast-wires from lighthouse or
+          lightship? 'Tis flat
+  That we, lad, have not done _our_ duty, until we have altered all
+          that.
+
+  Well, you have done yours, and successfully, _this_ time at least,
+          and at night.
+  All rescued. How gladly the last must have looked on that brave
+          "Comet Light,"
+  As you put from the wave-battered wreck. Cold, surf-buffeted,
+          weary, and drenched,
+  Your pluck, like the glare from that beacon, flamed on through the
+          dark hours unquenched.
+
+  Nor then was your labour at end. There was treasure to save and to
+          land.
+  Well done, life-boat heroes, once more! _Punch_ is proud to take
+          grip of your hand!
+  Your QUEEN, ever quick to praise manhood, has spoken in words you
+          will hail,
+  And 'twere shame to the People of England, if they in their part
+          were to fail.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST OF THE GUARDS.
+
+_A SONG OF SENTIMENT, TO THE TUNE OF "FAIR LADY ELIZABETH MUGG."_
+(_"REJECTED ADDRESSES."_)
+
+    ["The last of the old Mail-guards is about to disappear from
+    the service of the Post Office. Fifty-six years have elapsed
+    since Mr. MOSES NOBBS--for such is the venerable official's
+    name--was selected to undertake the duties of Guard to one of
+    the Royal Mails."--_Daily Telegraph_.]
+
+  Historical Muse! are you sober?
+    _Is_ he, the old Mail-guard, alive,
+  Who probably swigged sound October
+    From flagons, in One, Eight, Three, Five?
+  When PILCH went a-slogging, and CLARKE
+    Was a-studying slow underhand lobs?
+  Hooray for that evergreen spark,
+    The veteran Guard, MOSES NOBBS![1]
+
+  Why, MOSES, thus bring to a close
+    Your fifty-six years on the road?
+  Do you yearn, after all, for repose,
+    Who with zeal half-a-century glowed?
+  The Muse makes her moan at your loss,
+    And Sentiment silently sobs.
+  Ah! Time, friend, will play pitch-and-toss
+    With all of us, even a NOBBS!
+
+  One sees your Mail-Coach all a-blaze,
+    A masterly hand on the rein,
+  In those rollicking, railway-less days,
+    Which never shall greet us again.
+  That tootling tin-horn one can hear;
+    The old buffers, with breeches and fobs,
+  One can picture; they doubtless were dear
+    To the bosom of brave MOSES NOBBS.
+
+  That blunderbuss, too! Good old Guard!
+    At what Knight of the Road has it shot?
+  And do you remember the bard
+    Who gave us "_The Tantivy Trot_?"
+  Mr. EGERTON WARBURTON's gone,
+    No longer the Highwayman robs;
+  And silence now settles upon
+    The Last of the Guards--MOSES NOBBS!
+
+  Yet oblivion shall not descend
+    On that name till a stave hath been sung.
+  The Muse is antiquity's friend,
+    And in praise of the past will give tongue.
+  If CRACKNALL, the Tantivy Whip,
+    Claimed song, they're but _parvenu_ snobs
+  Who say that the lyre should let slip
+    The memory of stout MOSES NOBBS.
+
+  The Mail-Coach, my NOBBS, is no more
+    What it was when you put on the man;
+  We've Mail Trains, all rattle and roar,
+    And that portent, the Packet Post Van.
+  A Pullman, and not the Box-seat,
+    Is the aim of our modern Lord BOBS;
+  But the old recollections are sweet;
+    And _Punch_ drinks to your health, MOSES NOBBS!
+
+[Footnote 1: The _Telegraph_ gives the gentleman's name both as
+"NOBBS" and "NOGGS." As "NOBBS" comes first, _Mr. Punch_ adopts it, he
+hopes without misnaming the illustrious veteran.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: KIND INQUIRIES.
+
+_The Dean's Wife._ "IS THE DEAR BISHOP STILL LIVING?"
+
+_Episcopal Butler._ "OH YES, MA'AM. HE'S _BETTER_ TO-DAY! WE'RE ALL
+SAYING HE'S GOING TO DISAPPOINT 'EM _YET_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+IV.--THE DUFFER AS COLLECTOR.
+
+I may be a Duffer, but I hope I am neither an idiot nor a cad. I have
+never collected postage-stamps, nor outraged common humanity by asking
+people to send me their autographs. With these exceptions I have
+failed as a collector of almost everything. To succeed you need luck,
+and a dash of unscrupulousness, and careful attention to details,
+and a sceptical habit of mind. Even as a small boy I used to waste my
+shillings at a funny little curiosity-shop, kept by a nice old lady
+who knew no more about her wares than I did. Here I acquired quite
+a series of old coppers, which Mrs. SOMERVILLE said were ancient
+Bactrian. We asked where Bactria was, and she replied that it was a
+"country beyond Cyrus." We answered that Cyrus was not a territorial
+but a personal name, "A fellow, don't you know, not a place," but
+the old lady's information stopped there. I wonder where my Bactrian
+Collection is now. Certainly I never sold it; indeed, I never sold
+anything; not only because nobody would buy, but because, after
+all, one is a Collector, not a tradesman. Birds' eggs I would have
+collected if I could, but you had first to find the bird's nest
+(almost an impossible quest for a born Duffer), and to blow the eggs,
+which, let me tell you, needs nicety of handling. I did once find
+a thrush's nest, and tried blowing an egg, but it was not wholly a
+success, and the egg (the contents of which I accidentally absorbed)
+was not wholly fresh. Then it is awkward when you are at the top of
+a tall tree, with an egg in your mouth, for safety, if the other boys
+make you laugh, as you try to come down. It is the egg which,--but
+enough! Everyone who has been in that position will understand what is
+meant. It is not difficult to collect shells on the seashore, but it
+is extremely difficult to find out what shells they are, after you
+have collected them.
+
+[Illustration: "And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had
+the misfortune to break several windows."]
+
+Conchology is no child's play. As to collecting marine animals for an
+aquarium, the trouble begins when you forget your acquisitions, and
+carry them about for some time in the pockets of your jacket. That
+jacket is apt to be dusted by the bigger boys, who also interfere
+with your affections for toads, lizards, snakes and other live stock
+dear to youth. The common ambition of boyhood is to be a great
+rabbit-grower, but, somehow, my rabbits did not thrive. The cats
+got at them, and, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the
+misfortune to break several windows, and riddle a conservatory.
+
+The chief objects of my later ambition have been rare old books, gems,
+engravings, china, and so forth. All these things, if they are to be
+collected, demand that you shall have your wits about you; and the
+peculiarity of the Duffer is that his wits are always wool-gathering.
+A nice collection of wool they must have stored up somewhere. As to
+books, one invariably begins by collecting the wrong things. In novels
+and essays you read of "priceless Elzevirs," and "Aldines worth their
+weight in gold." Fired with hope, you hang about all the stalls, where
+you find myriads of Elzevirs, dumpy, dirty little tomes, in small
+illegible type, and legions of Aldines, books quite as dirty, if not
+so dumpy, and equally illegible, for they are printed in italics. You
+think you are in luck, invest largely, and begin to give yourself the
+airs of an amateur and a discoverer. Then comes somebody who knows
+about the matter in hand, and who tells you, with all the savage joy
+of a collector, that nobody wants any Elzevirs and Aldines, except a
+very few, and they must be in beautiful old bindings, uncut down,
+or scarcely cut down by the binder. These you may long for, but you
+certainly will never find them in the fourpenny box. The Duffer is
+always making the mistake of buying small bargains, as he thinks them,
+and so he will spend, in some time, perhaps, a hundred pounds. With
+a hundred pounds, and with luck, and prudence, and cunning, he might
+perhaps buy one small volume which a collector who knew his business
+would not wholly disdain. But, as it is, he has squandered his money,
+and has nothing to show for it but a heap of trash, of the wrong date,
+without the necessary misprints in the right places, ragged, short,
+and, above all, _imperfect_. I suppose I have the richest collection
+of imperfect books in the world. One hugs oneself on one's _Lucasta_
+(very rare), or one's Elzevir _Cæsar_ of the right date, or one's
+first edition of MOLIÈRE, and then comes, with fiendish glee, the
+regular collector, and shows you that _Lucasta_ has not the portrait
+of LOVELACE, that _Cæsar_ has not his pagination all wrong (as he
+ought to have), that the Molières are Lyons piracies, that half of
+GILBERT's _Gentleman's Diversion_ is not bound up with the rest,
+that, generally speaking, there are pages missing here and there all
+through your books, which you have never "collated," that "a ticket
+of PADELOUP, the binder, has been taken off some broken board of a
+book, and stuck on to a modern imitation, and so forth, all through
+the collection. You cannot sell it; nobody will take as a present
+this Library of a Gentleman who has given up collecting; even Free
+Libraries do not want this kind of treasure, and so it remains,
+littering your shelves, a monument of folly. Happy are the Duffers
+whose eyes are impenetrably sealed, and who can go on believing,
+in spite of a modern water-mark, in their sham BURNS MSS. and their
+volumes with autographs of all the celebrated characters in history.
+But my eyes are purged, and I do not think you shall find me
+collecting old books any more. Certainly I shall not venture into
+auction-rooms, compete with the Trade, and get left with a book
+artfully run up, thanks to my enthusiasm, to four or five times its
+market value.
+
+As to china, what the Duffer buys is invariably cracked, and the
+"marks" on which he places confidence are flagrant imitations.
+He usually begins by supposing that Crown Derby is a priceless
+possession, also he has a touching faith in chipped blue and white
+cups and saucers, marked with a crescent. Worcester they may be, but
+not the right sort of Worcester. And Crown Derby is the very Aldine or
+Elzevir of this market. You might as well collect shares in the Great
+Montezuma Gold Mine, and expect to derive benefit from the investment.
+
+Gems are among the things that the Duffer may most wisely collect,
+for the excellent reason that, in this country, he very seldom
+indeed finds any for sale. He cannot come to much sorrow, for lack of
+opportunities. In Italy it is different. How many beautiful works of
+Art I have acquired in Florence, at considerable ransoms, all of them
+signed in neat, but illegible Greek capitals. I puzzled over them with
+microscopes. The names seemed to end in [Greek: ICHLÊS]. I thought
+myself a rival of BLACAS, or Lord KILSYTH, or the British Museum. Then
+my friend, WILKINS, came in. "Pretty enough pastes of the last century
+I see," he remarks. "Pastes!--last century!" I indignantly exclaim;
+"why they're of the best period: Sards, all of them signed, but I
+can't make out the artist's name." "It is PICHLER," says WILKINS, "he
+usually signed, for fear his things should be sold as antiques." I had
+to give in about PICHLER (which certainly does not sound very Greek);
+"but here," I said, "you can't call _this_ paste, you can't scratch
+the back of it." "I know I can't," says WILKINS, examining the
+ring, "for a very good reason, because a thin layer of sard has been
+inserted behind. But it's paste, for all that."
+
+"Well," I say, "here's a genuine ancient ring, old gold, and a lovely
+head of Prosperine in cornelian."
+
+"Well, this _is_ odd," says WILKINS, "I know the setting is genuine,
+I have seen it before. But then it had a rubbishy late bit of work in
+it, and I was in the _atelier_ when a gem-cutter shaved away the top
+of the stone, and copied your head of Prosperine on it from a Sicilian
+coin. I can show you a coin of the same stamp in my collection."
+
+[Illustration: "HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS."
+
+VIEW OF THE STAGE ON THE RE-OPENING OF THE THEATRE ROYAL WESTMINSTER.]
+
+And he showed me it, otherwise I might have remained incredulous.
+"These scarabs," he went on, "are from Birmingham, I know the glaze.
+That gold Egyptian ring, Queen TAIA's do you say, is Coptic, Cairo is
+full of them. That head of CÆSAR is a copy from the one in the British
+Museum."
+
+"Why, it is rough with age," I said.
+
+"Ay, they've stuffed it down a turkey's crop, and it has got rubbed
+up in the gravel with which the ingenious bird assists the process of
+digestion. A _man_ who could swallow that gem is a goose."
+
+I am presenting my esteemed collection of ancient engraved stones to
+my nephew at school, who shows all the character of the collector.
+He may swop them for bats, or tarts, or he may learn wisdom from the
+misfortunes of his uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THIS STYLE, SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_rising to cross-examine_). Then you assert that
+the golden dinner-service which we are inquiring about was in your
+possession on the evening of July 26th at half-past eight o'clock?
+
+_Plaintiff._ I do.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ And that when you went to take them out of the
+strong-box at 9:15 for your party they had disappeared?
+
+_Plaintiff._ Quite so.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ Pardon my suggesting such a thing, but I
+am instructed to ask you whether, when you paid £800 to the
+rate-collector for arrears of rates on the very next day, you had not
+obtained that sum by selling a portion of this gold plate yourself?
+
+_The Judge._ Really, Mr. BADGERER, this won't do at all. "Legal
+bullying" is a thing of the past, and I shall have to commit you for
+contempt if you make these unworthy suggestions to the Witness.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ But, m'Lud, the whole point of the defence is
+that the Plaintiff himself sto--
+
+_The Judge_ (_hastily interposing_). --Sh! You must not talk like
+that. Remember that "the floor of the Court is _not_ the same thing as
+the interior of a coal-barge."
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_sulkily_). Very well. But I really don't know
+how I am to conduct my case if your Ludship intervenes to check me.
+(_To_ Witness.) I can ask you _this_ at any rate. Did you or did you
+not run up to Town by an early train the morning after the robbery?
+
+_Plaintiff._ Certainly I did. I went to see my tailor, in Bond Street.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ And why did you, then, go all the way from Bond
+Street to the City, eh?
+
+_Plaintiff_ (_gravelled_). My Lord, I must appeal for protection. The
+question is a bullying one.
+
+_The Judge._ Oh, certainly! Counsel has no right to ask such things.
+He ought to take the charitable view of your actions, and suppose that
+you went to the City for a mid-day chop, or because you wanted to
+look at St. Paul's, or something of that kind. We must really try and
+conduct our business as nobly as we can.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_pleasantly_). "_Que Messieurs les assassins
+commencent!_" Then we will presume that your predilection for City
+chops is so great, that you went a couple of miles out of your way to
+get one, and that your reason for dropping in at the establishment
+of Messrs. BLANK, Goldsmiths, and offering them half-a-dozen
+dessert-plates--
+
+_The Judge_ (_interrupting_). Oh, really, this is not at all--
+
+_Plaintiff._ Quite the reverse. I won't stay here to be insulted by
+anybody!
+
+    [_Exit hurriedly._
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ I am afraid the Police Officers who are waiting
+outside to arrest our friend who has just left the box will also be
+denounced as "legal bullies." But after all one can't cross-examine a
+rogue on rosewater principles. And if we Barristers sometimes do make
+things rather rough for innocent Witnesses, by dragging out unpleasant
+incidents in their careers, or suggesting some that never occurred, by
+so acting we provide a powerful inducement to people to avoid having
+such unpleasant incidents to be dragged out. And if the fear of
+cross-examination prevents actions being brought, it thereby also
+prevents would-be litigants ruining themselves in law expenses. With
+submission, m'Lud, and if your Ludship pleases, I would say that we
+"legal bullies" are public benefactors in disguise.
+
+_The Judge._ There's something in what you say, Mr. BADGERER. But the
+disguise need not be so complete as it is. I suppose it's a verdict
+for the Defendants? _With_ costs, yes. Gentlemen of the Jury, I can't
+sufficiently express my sense of the nobility of your conduct in
+listening to the evidence as you have done--though, of course, if
+you had _not_ listened, I should have committed you all for contempt
+in double-quick time--and you will now return a verdict for the
+Defendants.
+
+    [_Left sitting._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS."--No. XXVI. next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.
+
+ANOTHER SAVING.
+
+DURING THE ADJOURNMENT, THEIR LORDSHIPS WILL ASSIST IN THE REFRESHMENT
+DEPARTMENT.
+
+_Thirsty Attorney._ "NOT TOO MUCH FROTH ON, MY LUD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO POLICE CONSTABLES SMEETH AND TAPPIN.
+
+    [In endeavouring to capture a gang of burglars at Greenwich,
+    these two constables were dreadfully battered. But they kept
+    up the pursuit until the ruffians were secured.]
+
+  Your hand, Mr. TAPPIN, your hand, Mr. SMEETH.
+  To the men who protect us we offer no wreath.
+  They face for our sakes all the rogues and the brutes,
+  Getting cracks from their bludgeons and kicks from their boots.
+
+  They are battered and bruised, yet they never give in,
+  And at last by good luck they may manage to win.
+  Then, their heads beaten in all through scorning to shirk,
+  Scarred and seamed they return without fuss to their work.
+
+  O pair of good-plucked 'uns, ye heroes in blue,
+  As modest as brave, let us give you your due.
+  Though we cannot do much, we'll do all that we can,
+  Since our hearts throb with pride at the sight of a Man.
+
+  Mr. SMEETH you're a man, Mr. TAPPIN's another;
+  _Mr. Punch_--pray permit him--henceforth is your brother.
+  We are proud of you both, and we'll all of us cheer
+  These Peelers from Greenwich who never knew fear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE BONES TO PICK WITH THE SCHOOL BOARD.
+
+We see there has been some churlish cavilling in some quarters because
+the School Management Committee of the London School Board passed
+a requisition in November last, sanctioning the purchase of an
+articulated skeleton for the Belleville Road School, at the very
+reasonable sum of £8 16s. Why make any bones about the matter? What
+more ornamental and indeed indispensable article of school-furniture
+than a human skeleton nearly six foot high? Still, should the past
+system of expenditure be continued in the future, _Mr. Punch_
+would suggest that excellent and infinitely cheaper substitutes for
+skeletons will be found in the persons of the rate-payers themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUPID'S TENNIS-COURTS.--Under the heading "Tennis in the Riviera," the
+_Daily Telegraph_ recently gave us some important news, which should
+largely influence the Matrimonial Market. The names of Ladies and
+Gentlemen, both "singles" (a not strictly grammatical plural, by the
+way, but what's grammar in a game of Thirty to Love?) were given.
+There was, however, no mention of "ties" or of matches to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CORRESPONDENT SIGNING HIMSELF "MINCING LANE" WRITES,--"Sir,--The
+_Saturday Review_ complained of Mr. TREE's gait as _Hamlet_, 'which,'
+said the Critic, 'reminds one too much of AGAG.' Most cutting
+comparison for an actor sticking rigidly to the Shakspearian text!
+If there were interpolations in the text of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's own
+introduction, then indeed he might remind them of _A-gag_; that is, if
+he were continually a-gagging.--M.L."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BOOK.--Soon may be expected, _A Guide to the Unknown Tongs_, by
+the Author of _A Handbook to Poker_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP--THE LAST
+LAP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FICTION--PRESENT STYLE.
+
+_Gertrude._ "YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING NOW, MARGARET, BUT GO TO ALL SORTS
+OF CHURCHES, AND READ THOSE OLD BOOKS OF THEOLOGY. YOU NEVER USED TO
+BE LIKE THAT."
+
+_Margaret._ "HOW CAN I HELP IT, GERTY?--I'M WRITING A POPULAR NOVEL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKE CARE!
+
+A SONG OF CONVALESCENCE AFTER INFLUENZA.
+
+_BY AN IMPATIENT PATIENT._
+
+AIR--"_Beware!_"
+
+  "I feel as well as well can be!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  La Grippe's deceptive dontcher see,
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Trust it not,
+            'Twill be fooling thee;
+
+  It's just three weeks since I was "down!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  "I'm wanted very much in town."
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Run no risk,
+            'Tis humbugging thee!
+
+  "_I_ feel all right,--as well as you!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  What feeling tells you is not true!
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Pneumonia waits
+            To be nipping thee!
+
+  "You Doctors are such funny chaps!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  We know the dangers of Relapse.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Flout me not,
+            _I'm_ not fooling thee!
+
+  "Too long you pillow us and pill us!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  You don't half know that blarmed bacillus.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Brave it not,
+            'Twill be flooring thee!
+
+  "The fever's gone, the aches seem vanished."
+            _Take care!_
+  They come back when you think 'em banished.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Trust 'em not,
+            They'll be dodging thee!
+
+  "Oh, come, I say, look here, you know!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  Your pulse is yet two beats too slow.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Trifle not,
+            Sense is schooling thee!
+
+  "Three weeks have I been on my back!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  You don't want to _renew_ the rack.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            East winds are out,
+            They'll be cooling thee!
+
+  "It is a _beast_ of a complaint!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  Don't storm! Your pulse is fluttering, faint.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Worry not,
+            Think of _syncope_!
+
+  "Tush! Taking Care's the awfullest worry!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  For "Complications" punish hurry.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Resist him not,
+            Who'd be ruling thee!
+
+  Keep warm indoors, take lots of rest.
+            _Take care_!
+  That of all counsels is _the_ best.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            _Out_? Cert'nly _not_!
+            For two weeks--or _three_!
+
+    [_Left fuming._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ON THE SLY."--The name of Mr. J.E. SLY was mentioned in the _World_
+last week as a candidate for the office of High Bailiff of the City
+of London Court. Quite a Shakspearian name is _Sly_. "Look in the
+Chronicles," quoth _Christopher_ of that ilk, "We came in with RICHARD
+Conqueror." We drink success to him in "a pot of the smallest ale" and
+"Let the _World_ slip,"--whether it did slip or not, the event will
+prove,--"We shall ne'er be younger."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLES, HIS FRIENDS."--The Gentlemen who sought to adorn King
+CHARLES's statue with wreaths on the 30th January, are not to be
+beheaded. Like the White Rose League, their Jacobark is worse than
+their Jacobite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: (H)]
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, February_ 9.--House met to-day for what,
+the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE tells me, must needs be last Session
+of present Parliament. Appropriately funereal air over scene and
+proceedings. Usually Members return to work in highest spirits.
+Remember, in years gone by, before the blight of neglect in high
+places fell upon him, how dear old PETER RYLANDS enjoyed himself
+on these occasions. What long strides he used to take, bustling to
+and fro! What thunderous slaps of friendly welcome he bestowed on
+shrinking shoulders! What digs of deep and subtle humour he dealt to
+unresponsive ribs!
+
+If PETER were with us to-day, it is probable that even his
+effervescence of natural spirits would droop under prevalent gloom.
+The familiar place is a House of Mourning. Members tread softly, lest
+they should disturb the sick or wake the dead. Everyone has had the
+influenza, fears he is going to catch it, or mourns someone whom it
+has snatched away.
+
+When SPEAKER took Chair and business commenced, a glance round crowded
+benches brought back memory of much that has happened in the Recess.
+
+"'Tis not alone this inky cloak, good TOBY, worn in sign of public
+mourning," said WILFRID LAWSON, strangely subdued; "the House of
+Commons has had its losses."
+
+"Yes," I say, looking across at the Treasury Bench, where in the
+last weeks of July we were wont to see the kindly anxious face of
+OLD MORALITY, never more to cheer us with his little aphorisms, and
+incite to following his pathway of duty to his QUEEN and country. In
+his place, alert, youthful, strong, with ready smile breaking the
+unfamiliar gravity; of face and manner, sits the new Leader, still
+blushing under effect of ringing cheer that welcomed him to his high
+position.
+
+Lower down, filled up by another, is the place whence used frequently
+to arise a tall, almost gaunt, figure, which, with voice and
+manner indicating close associations with the Church pulpit, read
+from manuscript neatly-constructed answers designed to crush
+HENNIKER-HEATON. A kindly man and an able was RAIKES, who did not
+obtain full recognition for his administration of the office to which
+he was called.
+
+On the other side of the House a great gap is made by the withdrawal
+of PARNELL from the scene. A second, of quite other association, yawns
+where genial DICK POWER used to sit, and wonder what on earth he did
+in this galley, when he might have been riding to hounds in County
+Waterford. HARTINGTON gone, too, an unspeakable loss to gentlemen on
+the benches immediately behind. Many are the weary hours they have
+wiled away wondering whether, at the next backward jerk of the head
+of the sleeping statesman, his hat would tumble off, or whether
+catastrophe would be further postponed. In HARTINGTON's place sits
+CHAMBERLAIN, much too wide awake to afford opportunity for speculation
+on that or cognate circumstance.
+
+In his old corner-seat, in friendly contiguity, with his revered
+friend on the Treasury Bench, GRANDOLPH lounges contemplative. Met him
+earlier in afternoon. Passed us in corridor as I was talking to the
+MARKISS, who was anxious to know how the dinner went off last night,
+at which nephew ARTHUR appeared in character of the New Host at
+Downing Street. The MARKISS looked narrowly at GRANDOLPH as he passed
+with head hung down, tugging at his moustache.
+
+"You remember TOBY, what HEINE said of DE MUSSET? 'A young man with a
+great future--behind him.' There he goes."
+
+"Don't you believe it, my Lord," I said, with the frankness that
+endears me to the aristocracy. "You'll make a grave mistake if you act
+upon that view of GRANDOLPH's position."
+
+"Ah, well," said the MARKISS, a little hastily; "I must go and see
+STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL about this Portugal business."
+
+As he strode off I thought how precise and graphic remains
+Lord LYTTON's description of him, written before he came to the
+Premiership:--
+
+  "The large slouching shoulder, as oppressed
+    By the prone head, habitually stoops
+  Above a world his contemplative gaze
+    Peruses, finding little there to praise."
+
+Sorry I vexed him.
+
+Some disappointment at GRANDOLPH's appearance. Hoped he might do
+honour to occasion by presenting himself in the attire clad in which
+he of late roamed through Mashonaland. It would have been much more
+picturesque than either of the uniforms in which mover and seconder
+of Address are obviously and uncomfortably sewn up preparatory to
+reciting the bald commonplace of their studiously conned lesson.
+
+"He might at least," said CHAPLIN, who, as Minister for Agriculture,
+takes an interest in specimens of animal produce, "have brought with
+him the skin of one of those nine lions he shot from the oak in which
+CHARLES THE FIRST took refuge."
+
+[Illustration: "No gun made would carry so far."]
+
+GRANDOLPH affects not to hear this whispered remark. It was
+addressed to NICHOLAS WOOD, who, leaning over back of Treasury
+Bench, laboriously explains that CHAPLIN is a little mixed; that the
+oak-tree to which he alludes was grown on English ground--wasn't it
+in Worcestershire?--and therefore could not afford a safe place of
+retreat whence lions might be potted in Central Africa.
+
+"There is," said NICHOLAS, emphatically, "no gun made that would carry
+so far."
+
+"Pish!" said CHAPLIN, somewhat inconsequentially.
+
+GRANDOLPH looks across at Front Opposition Bench, and wonders how
+Mr. G. is enjoying himself in the Sunny South. "Younger than any of
+'em," GRANDOLPH admits. "Odd that with a general sweeping away of the
+Leaders in their places last Session, only he should be left. Expect
+he'll see us all out."
+
+"Order! order!"
+
+'Tis the voice of the SPEAKER. I thought he'd complain.
+
+"Notices of Motion!" he calls, in sonorous voice. Then the dreary
+business begins, MILMAN having all the fun to himself as he pulls
+a lucky number put of the Ballot Box, and Members rise in long
+succession, giving notice of interminable Bills and Motions, just as
+they did at the beginning of last Session, when HARTINGTON slept on
+the Front Opposition Bench, when OLD MORALITY fidgetted uneasily in
+the seat of Leader, and when PARNELL stood with his back to the wall
+in Committee Room No. 15.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRULY AND REELLY.--Why didn't they at once elect COTTON, Alderman,
+Poet, and Haberdasher, for the office of City Chamberlain, without
+waiting for a show of hands and the rest of it? Of course COTTON ought
+to have been elected right off the reel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol.
+102, Feb. 13, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102,
+Feb. 13, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 13, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14845]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 102.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 13, 1892.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page73"
+       id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span>
+
+    <h2>"PLEASING THE PIGS!" (From a Private and Confidential
+    Report.)</h2>
+
+    <p>Mr. CHAPLIN received a deputation on the subject of the
+    Swine-fever last week. True to his dramatic instincts as
+    regards the fitness of things, the Minister for Agriculture
+    was, on this occasion, wearing a Sow-wester. He regretted that
+    he was unable to don a pig-tail, which, as the representative
+    of the Fine Old English Gentleman of years gone by, he should
+    much like to do, but it was a fashion with the pig-wigs of the
+    last century which he hoped to see revived as "a tail of old
+    times." It was better, far better to be pig-tailed as were
+    their great grandfathers, than to be pigheaded as were so many
+    people with pig-culiar notions, specially in Scotland.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/73-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/73-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"I am doing and have been doing," said the Ministering
+    CHAPLIN, "my very best to please the pigs, but there are some
+    pigs that won't be pleased when they find that everything is
+    not going to be done for them gratis. You may take this for
+    grunted,&mdash;I should say granted. Now let me give you an
+    illustration. There were five pigs belonging to a well-known
+    littery family. The first pig went to market but no one would
+    purchase him, the second pig stayed at home (not feeling well),
+    the third pig had pleuro-pneumonia, and the fourth pig was in
+    full swing&mdash;if you can imagine a pig in a swing&mdash;of
+    swine-fever; and the fifth and quite the smallest pig of the
+    lot, a mere sucking-pig, went 'wheeze, wheeze, wheeze!' and
+    'wheezes' were always a very bad sign. <i>À propos</i> of
+    'signs' I have little doubt but that the well-known sign of the
+    'Pig and Whistle' descends to us from ancient times of
+    Influenza. He trusted that the whole pig-family would soon be
+    pigging up again."</p>
+
+    <p>The Right Hon. Gentleman finished by apologising for not
+    being able to quote anything apposite from the works of either
+    the philosophic BACON, the Ettrick Shepherd HOGG, or the poetic
+    SUCKLING, his motto for the present being "<i>porker
+    verba</i>," and he had to issue a Circular about the cattle who
+    were all going wrong.</p>
+
+    <p>The Deputation thanked Mr. CHAPLIN, and unanimously
+    expressed their opinion, that where pigs were concerned, the
+    Minister should have his stye-pend increased. Noticing that Mr.
+    CHAPLIN had risen from his chair, and had assumed a threatening
+    attitude, the Deputation hurriedly thanked the Minister of
+    Agriculture, and speedily withdrew.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IN LAST WEEK'S NUMBER.&mdash;"Mire + t
+    = Mitre."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>Charles Haddon Spurgeon.</h2>
+
+    <h4 class="sc">Born, June 19, 1834. Died, Jan. 31, 1892.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Sturdy saint-militant, stout, genial soul,</p>
+
+            <p>Through good and ill report you've reached the
+            goal</p>
+
+            <p>Of all brave effort, and attained that light</p>
+
+            <p>Which makes our clearest noontide seem as night.</p>
+
+            <p>How much 'twill show us all! We boast our
+            clarity</p>
+
+            <p>Of spiritual sense, but mutual charity</p>
+
+            <p>Is still our nearest need when faith grows
+            fierce</p>
+
+            <p>And even hope earth's mists can hardly pierce.</p>
+
+            <p>You were much loved; you spake a potent word</p>
+
+            <p>In the world's ear, and listening thousands
+            heard</p>
+
+            <p>With joy that clear and confident appeal.</p>
+
+            <p>The lingering doubts finer-strung spirits feel,</p>
+
+            <p>The sensitive shrinkings from familiar touch</p>
+
+            <p>Of the high mysteries, moved you not. Of such</p>
+
+            <p>The great throng-stirrers! And you stirred the
+            throng</p>
+
+            <p>Who felt you honest and who knew you strong;</p>
+
+            <p>Racy of homely earth, yet spirit-fired</p>
+
+            <p>With all their higher moods felt, loved,
+            desired.</p>
+
+            <p>Puritan, yet of no ascetic strain</p>
+
+            <p>Or arid straitness, freshening as the rain</p>
+
+            <p>And healthy as the clod; a native force</p>
+
+            <p>Incult yet quickening, cleaving its straight
+            course</p>
+
+            <p>Unchecked, unchastened, conquering to the end.</p>
+
+            <p>Crudeness may chill, and confidence offend,</p>
+
+            <p>But manhood, mother wit, and selfless zeal,</p>
+
+            <p>Speech clear as light, and courage true as steel</p>
+
+            <p>Must win the many. Honest soul and brave,</p>
+
+            <p>The greatest drop their garlands on your grave!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>'LOOK HERE, UPON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS!'</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/73-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/73-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <h4>(<i>The Haymarket Hamlet as he is and ought to
+    be.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. H. Kemble</i>. "My dear Tree, <i>I</i> ought to have
+    played <i>Hamlet</i>. First, my name&mdash;Kemble. Secondly,
+    Shakspeare's authority&mdash;'Oh, that this too too solid flesh
+    would melt,' and again, 'Fat and scant of breath'!"</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. B. Tree</i>. "All right, my dear Kemble. Quite true
+    what you say; and, any night I am unable to play, you shall be
+    my double!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>WHIPPED IN VAIN.</h3>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By an M.P. of a Retiring Nature.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Whip, he writes to me to-day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Not, as his wont, in tones pacific,</p>
+
+            <p>But in the very strongest way,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And using language quite terrific.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He hopes to see me in my place,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And woe betide the sad seceder,</p>
+
+            <p>Whose absence helps to throw disgrace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Both on his Party and his Leader.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I throw my hat up to the sky.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At taunts of treason or defection</p>
+
+            <p>I flip my fingers. What care I?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>For I do NOT seek re-election!</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"THIS INDENTURE WITNESSETH."&mdash;According to the
+    <i>Times</i> of Friday last, February 5, Cardinal MANNING died
+    practically a pauper. He had given everything away in charity.
+    He was a "Prince of the Church," and his gifts to others were,
+    indeed, princely. In the wills and deeds of how many of our
+    Very Reverend and Right Reverend Lordships shall we find
+    nothing gathered up and bequeathed of the loaves and fishes
+    which have fallen to their share? Such a testament as the
+    Cardinal's would be in quite a New Testamentary spirit.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>FOREIGN AND HOME NEWS.&mdash;"The Prussian Education Bill,"
+    remarked an elderly bachelor to. Mr. PETER FAMILIAS, "is a very
+    important matter; because you see&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Hang the Prussian Education Bill!" interrupted PETER F.,
+    testily. "You should see the English Education Bill I've had
+    for my boy's schooling last half!"</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page74"
+       id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+    <h2>MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFEBOAT-MEN.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/74.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/74.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[The President of the Board of Trade has, by command of
+        the QUEEN, conveyed, through the Royal National Lifeboat
+        Institution, to the crews of the lifeboats of Atherfield,
+        Brightstone, and Brooke, Her Majesty's warm appreciation of
+        their gallant conduct in saving the crew and passengers of
+        the steamship <i>Eider</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your hand, lad! 'Tis wet with the brine, and the
+            salt spray has sodden your hair,</p>
+
+            <p>And the face of you glisteneth pale with the stress
+            of the struggle out there;</p>
+
+            <p>But the savour of salt is as sweet to the sense of a
+            Briton, sometimes,</p>
+
+            <p>As the fragrance of wet mignonette, or the scent of
+            the bee-haunted limes.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ay, sweeter is manhood, though rough, than the
+            smoothest effeminate charms</p>
+
+            <p>To the old sea-king strain in our blood in the
+            season of shocks and alarms,</p>
+
+            <p>When the winds and the waves and the rocks make a
+            chaos of danger and strife;</p>
+
+            <p>And the need of the moment is pluck, and the guerdon
+            of valour is life.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That guerdon you've snatched from the teeth of the
+            thundering tiger-maw'd waves,</p>
+
+            <p>And the valour that smites is as naught, after all,
+            to the valour that saves.</p>
+
+            <p>They are safe on the shore, who had sunk in the
+            whirl of the floods but for <i>you</i>!</p>
+
+            <p>And some said you had lost your old grit and
+            devotion! We knew 'twas not true.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The soft-hearted shore-going critics of conduct
+            themselves would not dare,</p>
+
+            <p>The trivial cocksure belittlers of dangers they have
+            not to share,</p>
+
+            <p>Claim much&mdash;oh <i>so</i> much, from rough
+            manhood,&mdash;unflinching cool daring in fray,</p>
+
+            <p>And selflessness utter, from toilers with little of
+            praise, and less pay.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Her heroes to get "on the cheap" from the rough rank
+            and file of her sons</p>
+
+            <p>Has been England's good fortune so long, that the
+            scribblers' swift tongue-babble
+            runs</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page75"
+               id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span>
+
+            <p>To the old easy tune without thought. "Gallant
+            sea-dogs and life-savers!" Yes!</p>
+
+            <p>But poor driblets of lyrical praise should not be
+            their sole guerdon, I guess.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>On the coast, in the mine, at the fire, in the dark
+            city byeways at night,</p>
+
+            <p>They are ready the waves, or the flames, or the
+            bludgeoning burglar to fight.</p>
+
+            <p>And are <i>we</i> quite as ready to mark, or to
+            fashion a fitting reward</p>
+
+            <p>For the coarsely-clad commonplace men who our life
+            and our property guard?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A question <i>Punch</i> puts to the Public, and on
+            your behalf, my brave lad,</p>
+
+            <p>And that of your labouring like. To accept your
+            stout help we are glad:</p>
+
+            <p>If supply of cheap heroes <i>should</i> slacken, and
+            life-saving valour grow <i>dear</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Say as courts, party-statesmen, or
+            churches&mdash;'twould make some exchequers look
+            queer.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Do we quite do our part, we shore-goers? Those
+            lights could not flash through the fog,</p>
+
+            <p>And how often must rescuer willing lie idle on land
+            like a log</p>
+
+            <p>For lack of the warning of coast-wires from
+            lighthouse or lightship? 'Tis flat</p>
+
+            <p>That we, lad, have not done <i>our</i> duty, until
+            we have altered all that.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Well, you have done yours, and successfully,
+            <i>this</i> time at least, and at night.</p>
+
+            <p>All rescued. How gladly the last must have looked on
+            that brave "Comet Light,"</p>
+
+            <p>As you put from the wave-battered wreck. Cold,
+            surf-buffeted, weary, and drenched,</p>
+
+            <p>Your pluck, like the glare from that beacon, flamed
+            on through the dark hours unquenched.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Nor then was your labour at end. There was treasure
+            to save and to land.</p>
+
+            <p>Well done, life-boat heroes, once more! <i>Punch</i>
+            is proud to take grip of your hand!</p>
+
+            <p>Your QUEEN, ever quick to praise manhood, has spoken
+            in words you will hail,</p>
+
+            <p>And 'twere shame to the People of England, if they
+            in their part were to fail.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE LAST OF THE GUARDS.</h2>
+
+    <h4><i>A Song of Sentiment, to the Tune of "Fair Lady Elizabeth
+    Mugg."</i> (<i>"Rejected Addresses."</i>)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The last of the old Mail-guards is about to disappear
+        from the service of the Post Office. Fifty-six years have
+        elapsed since Mr. MOSES NOBBS&mdash;for such is the
+        venerable official's name&mdash;was selected to undertake
+        the duties of Guard to one of the Royal
+        Mails."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Historical Muse! are you sober?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Is</i> he, the old Mail-guard,
+            alive,</p>
+
+            <p>Who probably swigged sound October</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From flagons, in One, Eight, Three,
+            Five?</p>
+
+            <p>When PILCH went a-slogging, and CLARKE</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Was a-studying slow underhand lobs?</p>
+
+            <p>Hooray for that evergreen spark,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The veteran Guard, MOSES
+            NOBBS!<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Why, MOSES, thus bring to a close</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your fifty-six years on the road?</p>
+
+            <p>Do you yearn, after all, for repose,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who with zeal half-a-century glowed?</p>
+
+            <p>The Muse makes her moan at your loss,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Sentiment silently sobs.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! Time, friend, will play pitch-and-toss</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With all of us, even a NOBBS!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>One sees your Mail-Coach all a-blaze,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A masterly hand on the rein,</p>
+
+            <p>In those rollicking, railway-less days,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which never shall greet us again.</p>
+
+            <p>That tootling tin-horn one can hear;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The old buffers, with breeches and
+            fobs,</p>
+
+            <p>One can picture; they doubtless were dear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To the bosom of brave MOSES NOBBS.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>That blunderbuss, too! Good old Guard!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At what Knight of the Road has it
+            shot?</p>
+
+            <p>And do you remember the bard</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who gave us "<i>The Tantivy
+            Trot</i>?"</p>
+
+            <p>Mr. EGERTON WARBURTON's gone,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">No longer the Highwayman robs;</p>
+
+            <p>And silence now settles upon</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Last of the Guards&mdash;MOSES
+            NOBBS!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yet oblivion shall not descend</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On that name till a stave hath been
+            sung.</p>
+
+            <p>The Muse is antiquity's friend,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And in praise of the past will give
+            tongue.</p>
+
+            <p>If CRACKNALL, the Tantivy Whip,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Claimed song, they're but <i>parvenu</i>
+            snobs</p>
+
+            <p>Who say that the lyre should let slip</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The memory of stout MOSES NOBBS.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Mail-Coach, my NOBBS, is no more</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What it was when you put on the man;</p>
+
+            <p>We've Mail Trains, all rattle and roar,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And that portent, the Packet Post
+            Van.</p>
+
+            <p>A Pullman, and not the Box-seat,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is the aim of our modern Lord BOBS;</p>
+
+            <p>But the old recollections are sweet;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And <i>Punch</i> drinks to your health,
+            MOSES NOBBS!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>The <i>Telegraph</i> gives the gentleman's name both as
+        "NOBBS" and "NOGGS." As "NOBBS" comes first, <i>Mr.
+        Punch</i> adopts it, he hopes without misnaming the
+        illustrious veteran.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:67%;">
+        <a href="images/75.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/75.png"
+             alt="KIND INQUIRIES." /></a>
+
+        <h3>KIND INQUIRIES.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>The Dean's Wife.</i> "IS THE DEAR BISHOP STILL
+        LIVING?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Episcopal Butler.</i> "OH YES, MA'AM. HE'S
+        <i>BETTER</i> TO-DAY! WE'RE ALL SAYING HE'S GOING TO
+        DISAPPOINT 'EM <i>YET</i>!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page76"
+       id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+
+    <h2>CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.</h2>
+
+    <h3>IV.&mdash;THE DUFFER AS COLLECTOR.</h3>
+
+    <p>I may be a Duffer, but I hope I am neither an idiot nor a
+    cad. I have never collected postage-stamps, nor outraged common
+    humanity by asking people to send me their autographs. With
+    these exceptions I have failed as a collector of almost
+    everything. To succeed you need luck, and a dash of
+    unscrupulousness, and careful attention to details, and a
+    sceptical habit of mind. Even as a small boy I used to waste my
+    shillings at a funny little curiosity-shop, kept by a nice old
+    lady who knew no more about her wares than I did. Here I
+    acquired quite a series of old coppers, which Mrs. SOMERVILLE
+    said were ancient Bactrian. We asked where Bactria was, and she
+    replied that it was a "country beyond Cyrus." We answered that
+    Cyrus was not a territorial but a personal name, "A fellow,
+    don't you know, not a place," but the old lady's information
+    stopped there. I wonder where my Bactrian Collection is now.
+    Certainly I never sold it; indeed, I never sold anything; not
+    only because nobody would buy, but because, after all, one is a
+    Collector, not a tradesman. Birds' eggs I would have collected
+    if I could, but you had first to find the bird's nest (almost
+    an impossible quest for a born Duffer), and to blow the eggs,
+    which, let me tell you, needs nicety of handling. I did once
+    find a thrush's nest, and tried blowing an egg, but it was not
+    wholly a success, and the egg (the contents of which I
+    accidentally absorbed) was not wholly fresh. Then it is awkward
+    when you are at the top of a tall tree, with an egg in your
+    mouth, for safety, if the other boys make you laugh, as you try
+    to come down. It is the egg which,&mdash;but enough! Everyone
+    who has been in that position will understand what is meant. It
+    is not difficult to collect shells on the seashore, but it is
+    extremely difficult to find out what shells they are, after you
+    have collected them.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/76.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/76.png"
+             alt="'And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the misfortune to break several windows.'" />
+        </a>"And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had
+        the misfortune to break several windows."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Conchology is no child's play. As to collecting marine
+    animals for an aquarium, the trouble begins when you forget
+    your acquisitions, and carry them about for some time in the
+    pockets of your jacket. That jacket is apt to be dusted by the
+    bigger boys, who also interfere with your affections for toads,
+    lizards, snakes and other live stock dear to youth. The common
+    ambition of boyhood is to be a great rabbit-grower, but,
+    somehow, my rabbits did not thrive. The cats got at them, and,
+    in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the misfortune
+    to break several windows, and riddle a conservatory.</p>
+
+    <p>The chief objects of my later ambition have been rare old
+    books, gems, engravings, china, and so forth. All these things,
+    if they are to be collected, demand that you shall have your
+    wits about you; and the peculiarity of the Duffer is that his
+    wits are always wool-gathering. A nice collection of wool they
+    must have stored up somewhere. As to books, one invariably
+    begins by collecting the wrong things. In novels and essays you
+    read of "priceless Elzevirs," and "Aldines worth their weight
+    in gold." Fired with hope, you hang about all the stalls, where
+    you find myriads of Elzevirs, dumpy, dirty little tomes, in
+    small illegible type, and legions of Aldines, books quite as
+    dirty, if not so dumpy, and equally illegible, for they are
+    printed in italics. You think you are in luck, invest largely,
+    and begin to give yourself the airs of an amateur and a
+    discoverer. Then comes somebody who knows about the matter in
+    hand, and who tells you, with all the savage joy of a
+    collector, that nobody wants any Elzevirs and Aldines, except a
+    very few, and they must be in beautiful old bindings, uncut
+    down, or scarcely cut down by the binder. These you may long
+    for, but you certainly will never find them in the fourpenny
+    box. The Duffer is always making the mistake of buying small
+    bargains, as he thinks them, and so he will spend, in some
+    time, perhaps, a hundred pounds. With a hundred pounds, and
+    with luck, and prudence, and cunning, he might perhaps buy one
+    small volume which a collector who knew his business would not
+    wholly disdain. But, as it is, he has squandered his money, and
+    has nothing to show for it but a heap of trash, of the wrong
+    date, without the necessary misprints in the right places,
+    ragged, short, and, above all, <i>imperfect</i>. I suppose I
+    have the richest collection of imperfect books in the world.
+    One hugs oneself on one's <i>Lucasta</i> (very rare), or one's
+    Elzevir <i>Cæsar</i> of the right date, or one's first edition
+    of MOLIÈRE, and then comes, with fiendish glee, the regular
+    collector, and shows you that <i>Lucasta</i> has not the
+    portrait of LOVELACE, that <i>Cæsar</i> has not his pagination
+    all wrong (as he ought to have), that the Molières are Lyons
+    piracies, that half of GILBERT's <i>Gentleman's Diversion</i>
+    is not bound up with the rest, that, generally speaking, there
+    are pages missing here and there all through your books, which
+    you have never "collated," that "a ticket of PADELOUP, the
+    binder, has been taken off some broken board of a book, and
+    stuck on to a modern imitation, and so forth, all through the
+    collection. You cannot sell it; nobody will take as a present
+    this Library of a Gentleman who has given up collecting; even
+    Free Libraries do not want this kind of treasure, and so it
+    remains, littering your shelves, a monument of folly. Happy are
+    the Duffers whose eyes are impenetrably sealed, and who can go
+    on believing, in spite of a modern water-mark, in their sham
+    BURNS MSS. and their volumes with autographs of all the
+    celebrated characters in history. But my eyes are purged, and I
+    do not think you shall find me collecting old books any more.
+    Certainly I shall not venture into auction-rooms, compete with
+    the Trade, and get left with a book artfully run up, thanks to
+    my enthusiasm, to four or five times its market value.</p>
+
+    <p>As to china, what the Duffer buys is invariably cracked, and
+    the "marks" on which he places confidence are flagrant
+    imitations. He usually begins by supposing that Crown Derby is
+    a priceless possession, also he has a touching faith in chipped
+    blue and white cups and saucers, marked with a crescent.
+    Worcester they may be, but not the right sort of Worcester. And
+    Crown Derby is the very Aldine or Elzevir of this market. You
+    might as well collect shares in the Great Montezuma Gold Mine,
+    and expect to derive benefit from the investment.</p>
+
+    <p>Gems are among the things that the Duffer may most wisely
+    collect, for the excellent reason that, in this country, he
+    very seldom indeed finds any for sale. He cannot come to much
+    sorrow, for lack of opportunities. In Italy it is different.
+    How many beautiful works of Art I have acquired in Florence, at
+    considerable ransoms, all of them signed in neat, but illegible
+    Greek capitals. I puzzled over them with microscopes. The names
+    seemed to end in &Iota;&Chi;&Lambda;&Eta;&Sigma;. I thought myself a
+    rival of BLACAS, or Lord KILSYTH, or the British Museum. Then my
+    friend, WILKINS, came in. "Pretty enough pastes of the last century
+    I see," he remarks. "Pastes!&mdash;last century!" I indignantly
+    exclaim; "why they're of the best period: Sards, all of them
+    signed, but I can't make out the artist's name." "It is
+    PICHLER," says WILKINS, "he usually signed, for fear his things
+    should be sold as antiques." I had to give in about PICHLER
+    (which certainly does not sound very Greek); "but here," I
+    said, "you can't call <i>this</i> paste, you can't scratch the
+    back of it." "I know I can't," says WILKINS, examining the
+    ring, "for a very good reason, because a thin layer of sard has
+    been inserted behind. But it's paste, for all that."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," I say, "here's a genuine ancient ring, old gold, and
+    a lovely head of Prosperine in cornelian."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, this <i>is</i> odd," says WILKINS, "I know the
+    setting is genuine, I have seen it before. But then it had a
+    rubbishy late bit of work in it, and I was in the
+    <i>atelier</i> when a gem-cutter shaved away the top of the
+    stone, and copied your head of Prosperine on it from a Sicilian
+    coin. I can show you a coin of the same stamp in my
+    collection."</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page78"
+       id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/78.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/78.png"
+             alt="'HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS.'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS."</h3>
+
+        <h4>VIEW OF THE STAGE ON THE RE-OPENING OF THE THEATRE
+        ROYAL WESTMINSTER.</h4>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page81"
+       id="page81"></a>[pg 81]</span>
+
+    <p>And he showed me it, otherwise I might have remained
+    incredulous. "These scarabs," he went on, "are from Birmingham,
+    I know the glaze. That gold Egyptian ring, Queen TAIA's do you
+    say, is Coptic, Cairo is full of them. That head of CÆSAR is a
+    copy from the one in the British Museum."</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, it is rough with age," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ay, they've stuffed it down a turkey's crop, and it has got
+    rubbed up in the gravel with which the ingenious bird assists
+    the process of digestion. A <i>man</i> who could swallow that
+    gem is a goose."</p>
+
+    <p>I am presenting my esteemed collection of ancient engraved
+    stones to my nephew at school, who shows all the character of
+    the collector. He may swop them for bats, or tarts, or he may
+    learn wisdom from the misfortunes of his uncle.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>IN THIS STYLE, SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> (<i>rising to
+        cross-examine</i>). Then you assert that the golden
+        dinner-service which we are inquiring about was in your
+        possession on the evening of July 26th at half-past eight
+        o'clock?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> I do.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> And that when you went to take
+        them out of the strong-box at 9:15 for your party they had
+        disappeared?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> Quite so.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> Pardon my suggesting such a
+        thing, but I am instructed to ask you whether, when you
+        paid £800 to the rate-collector for arrears of rates on the
+        very next day, you had not obtained that sum by selling a
+        portion of this gold plate yourself?</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Judge.</i> Really, Mr. BADGERER, this won't do at
+        all. "Legal bullying" is a thing of the past, and I shall
+        have to commit you for contempt if you make these unworthy
+        suggestions to the Witness.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> But, m'Lud, the whole point of
+        the defence is that the Plaintiff himself sto&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>hastily interposing</i>).
+        &mdash;Sh! You must not talk like that. Remember that "the
+        floor of the Court is <i>not</i> the same thing as the
+        interior of a coal-barge."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> (<i>sulkily</i>). Very well.
+        But I really don't know how I am to conduct my case if your
+        Ludship intervenes to check me. (<i>To</i> Witness.) I can
+        ask you <i>this</i> at any rate. Did you or did you not run
+        up to Town by an early train the morning after the
+        robbery?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> Certainly I did. I went to see my
+        tailor, in Bond Street.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> And why did you, then, go all
+        the way from Bond Street to the City, eh?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Plaintiff</i> (<i>gravelled</i>). My Lord, I must
+        appeal for protection. The question is a bullying one.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Judge.</i> Oh, certainly! Counsel has no right to
+        ask such things. He ought to take the charitable view of
+        your actions, and suppose that you went to the City for a
+        mid-day chop, or because you wanted to look at St. Paul's,
+        or something of that kind. We must really try and conduct
+        our business as nobly as we can.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> (<i>pleasantly</i>). "<i>Que
+        Messieurs les assassins commencent!</i>" Then we will
+        presume that your predilection for City chops is so great,
+        that you went a couple of miles out of your way to get one,
+        and that your reason for dropping in at the establishment
+        of Messrs. BLANK, Goldsmiths, and offering them
+        half-a-dozen dessert-plates&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Oh, really, this
+        is not at all&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>Plaintiff.</i> Quite the reverse. I won't stay here
+        to be insulted by anybody!</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Exit hurriedly.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Mr. Badgerer, Q.C.</i> I am afraid the Police
+        Officers who are waiting outside to arrest our friend who
+        has just left the box will also be denounced as "legal
+        bullies." But after all one can't cross-examine a rogue on
+        rosewater principles. And if we Barristers sometimes do
+        make things rather rough for innocent Witnesses, by
+        dragging out unpleasant incidents in their careers, or
+        suggesting some that never occurred, by so acting we
+        provide a powerful inducement to people to avoid having
+        such unpleasant incidents to be dragged out. And if the
+        fear of cross-examination prevents actions being brought,
+        it thereby also prevents would-be litigants ruining
+        themselves in law expenses. With submission, m'Lud, and if
+        your Ludship pleases, I would say that we "legal bullies"
+        are public benefactors in disguise.</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Judge.</i> There's something in what you say, Mr.
+        BADGERER. But the disguise need not be so complete as it
+        is. I suppose it's a verdict for the Defendants?
+        <i>With</i> costs, yes. Gentlemen of the Jury, I can't
+        sufficiently express my sense of the nobility of your
+        conduct in listening to the evidence as you have
+        done&mdash;though, of course, if you had <i>not</i>
+        listened, I should have committed you all for contempt in
+        double-quick time&mdash;and you will now return a verdict
+        for the Defendants.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Left sitting.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS."&mdash;No. XXVI. next week.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/81.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/81.png"
+             alt="LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.</h3>
+
+        <h4>ANOTHER SAVING.</h4>
+
+        <h4 class="sc">During the Adjournment, their Lordships will
+        assist in the Refreshment Department.</h4><i>Thirsty
+        Attorney.</i> "NOT TOO MUCH FROTH ON, MY LUD!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TO POLICE CONSTABLES SMEETH AND TAPPIN.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[In endeavouring to capture a gang of burglars at
+        Greenwich, these two constables were dreadfully battered.
+        But they kept up the pursuit until the ruffians were
+        secured.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Your hand, Mr. TAPPIN, your hand, Mr. SMEETH.</p>
+
+            <p>To the men who protect us we offer no wreath.</p>
+
+            <p>They face for our sakes all the rogues and the
+            brutes,</p>
+
+            <p>Getting cracks from their bludgeons and kicks from
+            their boots.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>They are battered and bruised, yet they never give
+            in,</p>
+
+            <p>And at last by good luck they may manage to win.</p>
+
+            <p>Then, their heads beaten in all through scorning to
+            shirk,</p>
+
+            <p>Scarred and seamed they return without fuss to their
+            work.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O pair of good-plucked 'uns, ye heroes in blue,</p>
+
+            <p>As modest as brave, let us give you your due.</p>
+
+            <p>Though we cannot do much, we'll do all that we
+            can,</p>
+
+            <p>Since our hearts throb with pride at the sight of a
+            Man.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Mr. SMEETH you're a man, Mr. TAPPIN's another;</p>
+
+            <p><i>Mr. Punch</i>&mdash;pray permit
+            him&mdash;henceforth is your brother.</p>
+
+            <p>We are proud of you both, and we'll all of us
+            cheer</p>
+
+            <p>These Peelers from Greenwich who never knew
+            fear.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>MORE BONES TO PICK WITH THE SCHOOL BOARD.</h3>
+
+    <p>We see there has been some churlish cavilling in some
+    quarters because the School Management Committee of the London
+    School Board passed a requisition in November last, sanctioning
+    the purchase of an articulated skeleton for the Belleville Road
+    School, at the very reasonable sum of £8 16<i>s.</i> Why make
+    any bones about the matter? What more ornamental and indeed
+    indispensable article of school-furniture than a human skeleton
+    nearly six foot high? Still, should the past system of
+    expenditure be continued in the future, <i>Mr. Punch</i> would
+    suggest that excellent and infinitely cheaper substitutes for
+    skeletons will be found in the persons of the rate-payers
+    themselves.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>CUPID'S TENNIS-COURTS.&mdash;Under the heading "Tennis in
+    the Riviera," the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> recently gave us some
+    important news, which should largely influence the Matrimonial
+    Market. The names of Ladies and Gentlemen, both "singles" (a
+    not strictly grammatical plural, by the way, but what's grammar
+    in a game of Thirty to Love?) were given. There was, however,
+    no mention of "ties" or of matches to come.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A CORRESPONDENT SIGNING HIMSELF "MINCING LANE"
+    WRITES,&mdash;"Sir,&mdash;The <i>Saturday Review</i> complained
+    of Mr. TREE's gait as <i>Hamlet</i>, 'which,' said the Critic,
+    'reminds one too much of AGAG.' Most cutting comparison for an
+    actor sticking rigidly to the Shakspearian text! If there were
+    interpolations in the text of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's own
+    introduction, then indeed he might remind them of <i>A-gag</i>;
+    that is, if he were continually a-gagging.&mdash;M.L."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NEW BOOK.&mdash;Soon may be expected, <i>A Guide to the
+    Unknown Tongs</i>, by the Author of <i>A Handbook to
+    Poker</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page82"
+       id="page82"></a>[pg 82]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/82.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/82.png"
+             alt="THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP&mdash;THE LAST LAP." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP&mdash;THE
+        LAST LAP.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page83"
+       id="page83"></a>[pg 83]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/83.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/83.png"
+             alt="FICTION&mdash;PRESENT STYLE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>FICTION&mdash;PRESENT STYLE.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Gertrude.</i> "YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING NOW, MARGARET,
+        BUT GO TO ALL SORTS OF CHURCHES, AND READ THOSE OLD BOOKS
+        OF THEOLOGY. YOU NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THAT."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Margaret.</i> "HOW CAN I HELP IT, GERTY?&mdash;I'M
+        WRITING A POPULAR NOVEL!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TAKE CARE!</h2>
+
+    <h3 class="sc">A Song of Convalescence after Influenza.</h3>
+
+    <h4><i>By an Impatient Patient.</i></h4>
+
+    <center>
+        AIR&mdash;"<i>Beware!</i>"
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I feel as well as well can be!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>La Grippe's deceptive dontcher see,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Trust it not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">'Twill be fooling thee;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It's just three weeks since I was "down!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>"I'm wanted very much in town."</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Run no risk,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">'Tis humbugging thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"<i>I</i> feel all right,&mdash;as well as
+            you!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>What feeling tells you is not true!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Pneumonia waits</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">To be nipping thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"You Doctors are such funny chaps!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>We know the dangers of Relapse.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Flout me not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>I'm</i> not fooling thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Too long you pillow us and pill us!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>You don't half know that blarmed bacillus.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Brave it not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">'Twill be flooring thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The fever's gone, the aches seem vanished."</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>They come back when you think 'em banished.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Trust 'em not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">They'll be dodging thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Oh, come, I say, look here, you know!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>Your pulse is yet two beats too slow.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Trifle not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Sense is schooling thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Three weeks have I been on my back!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>You don't want to <i>renew</i> the rack.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">East winds are out,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">They'll be cooling thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"It is a <i>beast</i> of a complaint!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>Don't storm! Your pulse is fluttering, faint.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Worry not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Think of <i>syncope</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Tush! Taking Care's the awfullest
+            worry!"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care!</i></p>
+
+            <p>For "Complications" punish hurry.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Resist him not,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Who'd be ruling thee!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Keep warm indoors, take lots of rest.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Take care</i>!</p>
+
+            <p>That of all counsels is <i>the</i> best.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Beware! Beware!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10"><i>Out</i>? Cert'nly <i>not</i>!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">For two weeks&mdash;or <i>three</i>!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <center>
+        [<i>Left fuming.</i>
+    </center>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"ON THE SLY."&mdash;The name of Mr. J.E. SLY was mentioned
+    in the <i>World</i> last week as a candidate for the office of
+    High Bailiff of the City of London Court. Quite a Shakspearian
+    name is <i>Sly</i>. "Look in the Chronicles," quoth
+    <i>Christopher</i> of that ilk, "We came in with RICHARD
+    Conqueror." We drink success to him in "a pot of the smallest
+    ale" and "Let the <i>World</i> slip,"&mdash;whether it did slip
+    or not, the event will prove,&mdash;"We shall ne'er be
+    younger."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"CHARLES, HIS FRIENDS."&mdash;The Gentlemen who sought to
+    adorn King CHARLES's statue with wreaths on the 30th January,
+    are not to be beheaded. Like the White Rose League, their
+    Jacobark is worse than their Jacobite.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page84"
+       id="page84"></a>[pg 84]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/84-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-1.png"
+             alt="H" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, February</i> 9.&mdash;House
+    met to-day for what, the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE tells me,
+    must needs be last Session of present Parliament. Appropriately
+    funereal air over scene and proceedings. Usually Members return
+    to work in highest spirits. Remember, in years gone by, before
+    the blight of neglect in high places fell upon him, how dear
+    old PETER RYLANDS enjoyed himself on these occasions. What long
+    strides he used to take, bustling to and fro! What thunderous
+    slaps of friendly welcome he bestowed on shrinking shoulders!
+    What digs of deep and subtle humour he dealt to unresponsive
+    ribs!</p>
+
+    <p>If PETER were with us to-day, it is probable that even his
+    effervescence of natural spirits would droop under prevalent
+    gloom. The familiar place is a House of Mourning. Members tread
+    softly, lest they should disturb the sick or wake the dead.
+    Everyone has had the influenza, fears he is going to catch it,
+    or mourns someone whom it has snatched away.</p>
+
+    <p>When SPEAKER took Chair and business commenced, a glance
+    round crowded benches brought back memory of much that has
+    happened in the Recess.</p>
+
+    <p>"'Tis not alone this inky cloak, good TOBY, worn in sign of
+    public mourning," said WILFRID LAWSON, strangely subdued; "the
+    House of Commons has had its losses."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," I say, looking across at the Treasury Bench, where in
+    the last weeks of July we were wont to see the kindly anxious
+    face of OLD MORALITY, never more to cheer us with his little
+    aphorisms, and incite to following his pathway of duty to his
+    QUEEN and country. In his place, alert, youthful, strong, with
+    ready smile breaking the unfamiliar gravity; of face and
+    manner, sits the new Leader, still blushing under effect of
+    ringing cheer that welcomed him to his high position.</p>
+
+    <p>Lower down, filled up by another, is the place whence used
+    frequently to arise a tall, almost gaunt, figure, which, with
+    voice and manner indicating close associations with the Church
+    pulpit, read from manuscript neatly-constructed answers
+    designed to crush HENNIKER-HEATON. A kindly man and an able was
+    RAIKES, who did not obtain full recognition for his
+    administration of the office to which he was called.</p>
+
+    <p>On the other side of the House a great gap is made by the
+    withdrawal of PARNELL from the scene. A second, of quite other
+    association, yawns where genial DICK POWER used to sit, and
+    wonder what on earth he did in this galley, when he might have
+    been riding to hounds in County Waterford. HARTINGTON gone,
+    too, an unspeakable loss to gentlemen on the benches
+    immediately behind. Many are the weary hours they have wiled
+    away wondering whether, at the next backward jerk of the head
+    of the sleeping statesman, his hat would tumble off, or whether
+    catastrophe would be further postponed. In HARTINGTON's place
+    sits CHAMBERLAIN, much too wide awake to afford opportunity for
+    speculation on that or cognate circumstance.</p>
+
+    <p>In his old corner-seat, in friendly contiguity, with his
+    revered friend on the Treasury Bench, GRANDOLPH lounges
+    contemplative. Met him earlier in afternoon. Passed us in
+    corridor as I was talking to the MARKISS, who was anxious to
+    know how the dinner went off last night, at which nephew ARTHUR
+    appeared in character of the New Host at Downing Street. The
+    MARKISS looked narrowly at GRANDOLPH as he passed with head
+    hung down, tugging at his moustache.</p>
+
+    <p>"You remember TOBY, what HEINE said of DE MUSSET? 'A young
+    man with a great future&mdash;behind him.' There he goes."</p>
+
+    <p>"Don't you believe it, my Lord," I said, with the frankness
+    that endears me to the aristocracy. "You'll make a grave
+    mistake if you act upon that view of GRANDOLPH's position."</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah, well," said the MARKISS, a little hastily; "I must go
+    and see STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL about this Portugal
+    business."</p>
+
+    <p>As he strode off I thought how precise and graphic remains
+    Lord LYTTON's description of him, written before he came to the
+    Premiership:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The large slouching shoulder, as oppressed</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">By the prone head, habitually stoops</p>
+
+            <p>Above a world his contemplative gaze</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Peruses, finding little there to
+            praise."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Sorry I vexed him.</p>
+
+    <p>Some disappointment at GRANDOLPH's appearance. Hoped he
+    might do honour to occasion by presenting himself in the attire
+    clad in which he of late roamed through Mashonaland. It would
+    have been much more picturesque than either of the uniforms in
+    which mover and seconder of Address are obviously and
+    uncomfortably sewn up preparatory to reciting the bald
+    commonplace of their studiously conned lesson.</p>
+
+    <p>"He might at least," said CHAPLIN, who, as Minister for
+    Agriculture, takes an interest in specimens of animal produce,
+    "have brought with him the skin of one of those nine lions he
+    shot from the oak in which CHARLES THE FIRST took refuge."</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/84-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/84-2.png"
+             alt="'No gun made would carry so far.'" /></a>"No gun
+             made would carry so far."
+    </div>
+
+    <p>GRANDOLPH affects not to hear this whispered remark. It was
+    addressed to NICHOLAS WOOD, who, leaning over back of Treasury
+    Bench, laboriously explains that CHAPLIN is a little mixed;
+    that the oak-tree to which he alludes was grown on English
+    ground&mdash;wasn't it in Worcestershire?&mdash;and therefore
+    could not afford a safe place of retreat whence lions might be
+    potted in Central Africa.</p>
+
+    <p>"There is," said NICHOLAS, emphatically, "no gun made that
+    would carry so far."</p>
+
+    <p>"Pish!" said CHAPLIN, somewhat inconsequentially.</p>
+
+    <p>GRANDOLPH looks across at Front Opposition Bench, and
+    wonders how Mr. G. is enjoying himself in the Sunny South.
+    "Younger than any of 'em," GRANDOLPH admits. "Odd that with a
+    general sweeping away of the Leaders in their places last
+    Session, only he should be left. Expect he'll see us all
+    out."</p>
+
+    <p>"Order! order!"</p>
+
+    <p>'Tis the voice of the SPEAKER. I thought he'd complain.</p>
+
+    <p>"Notices of Motion!" he calls, in sonorous voice. Then the
+    dreary business begins, MILMAN having all the fun to himself as
+    he pulls a lucky number put of the Ballot Box, and Members rise
+    in long succession, giving notice of interminable Bills and
+    Motions, just as they did at the beginning of last Session,
+    when HARTINGTON slept on the Front Opposition Bench, when OLD
+    MORALITY fidgetted uneasily in the seat of Leader, and when
+    PARNELL stood with his back to the wall in Committee Room No.
+    15.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>TRULY AND REELLY.&mdash;Why didn't they at once elect
+    COTTON, Alderman, Poet, and Haberdasher, for the office of City
+    Chamberlain, without waiting for a show of hands and the rest
+    of it? Of course COTTON ought to have been elected right off
+    the reel.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol.
+102, Feb. 13, 1892, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102,
+Feb. 13, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, Feb. 13, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2005 [EBook #14845]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+February 13, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+"PLEASING THE PIGS!" (FROM A PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL REPORT.)
+
+Mr. CHAPLIN received a deputation on the subject of the Swine-fever
+last week. True to his dramatic instincts as regards the fitness of
+things, the Minister for Agriculture was, on this occasion, wearing a
+Sow-wester. He regretted that he was unable to don a pig-tail, which,
+as the representative of the Fine Old English Gentleman of years gone
+by, he should much like to do, but it was a fashion with the pig-wigs
+of the last century which he hoped to see revived as "a tail of old
+times." It was better, far better to be pig-tailed as were their
+great grandfathers, than to be pigheaded as were so many people with
+pig-culiar notions, specially in Scotland.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I am doing and have been doing," said the Ministering CHAPLIN, "my
+very best to please the pigs, but there are some pigs that won't be
+pleased when they find that everything is not going to be done for
+them gratis. You may take this for grunted,--I should say granted. Now
+let me give you an illustration. There were five pigs belonging to
+a well-known littery family. The first pig went to market but no one
+would purchase him, the second pig stayed at home (not feeling well),
+the third pig had pleuro-pneumonia, and the fourth pig was in full
+swing--if you can imagine a pig in a swing--of swine-fever; and the
+fifth and quite the smallest pig of the lot, a mere sucking-pig, went
+'wheeze, wheeze, wheeze!' and 'wheezes' were always a very bad sign.
+_A propos_ of 'signs' I have little doubt but that the well-known
+sign of the 'Pig and Whistle' descends to us from ancient times of
+Influenza. He trusted that the whole pig-family would soon be pigging
+up again."
+
+The Right Hon. Gentleman finished by apologising for not being able
+to quote anything apposite from the works of either the philosophic
+BACON, the Ettrick Shepherd HOGG, or the poetic SUCKLING, his motto
+for the present being "_porker verba_," and he had to issue a Circular
+about the cattle who were all going wrong.
+
+The Deputation thanked Mr. CHAPLIN, and unanimously expressed their
+opinion, that where pigs were concerned, the Minister should have
+his stye-pend increased. Noticing that Mr. CHAPLIN had risen from
+his chair, and had assumed a threatening attitude, the Deputation
+hurriedly thanked the Minister of Agriculture, and speedily withdrew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IN LAST WEEK'S NUMBER.--"Mire + t = Mitre."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARLES HADDON SPURGEON.
+
+BORN, JUNE 19, 1834. DIED, JAN. 31, 1892.
+
+  Sturdy saint-militant, stout, genial soul,
+  Through good and ill report you've reached the goal
+  Of all brave effort, and attained that light
+  Which makes our clearest noontide seem as night.
+  How much 'twill show us all! We boast our clarity
+  Of spiritual sense, but mutual charity
+  Is still our nearest need when faith grows fierce
+  And even hope earth's mists can hardly pierce.
+  You were much loved; you spake a potent word
+  In the world's ear, and listening thousands heard
+  With joy that clear and confident appeal.
+  The lingering doubts finer-strung spirits feel,
+  The sensitive shrinkings from familiar touch
+  Of the high mysteries, moved you not. Of such
+  The great throng-stirrers! And you stirred the throng
+  Who felt you honest and who knew you strong;
+  Racy of homely earth, yet spirit-fired
+  With all their higher moods felt, loved, desired.
+  Puritan, yet of no ascetic strain
+  Or arid straitness, freshening as the rain
+  And healthy as the clod; a native force
+  Incult yet quickening, cleaving its straight course
+  Unchecked, unchastened, conquering to the end.
+  Crudeness may chill, and confidence offend,
+  But manhood, mother wit, and selfless zeal,
+  Speech clear as light, and courage true as steel
+  Must win the many. Honest soul and brave,
+  The greatest drop their garlands on your grave!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'LOOK HERE, UPON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS!'
+
+(_THE HAYMARKET HAMLET AS HE IS AND OUGHT TO BE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Mr. H. Kemble_. "My dear Tree, _I_ ought to have played _Hamlet_.
+First, my name--Kemble. Secondly, Shakspeare's authority--'Oh, that
+this too too solid flesh would melt,' and again, 'Fat and scant of
+breath'!"
+
+_Mr. B. Tree_. "All right, my dear Kemble. Quite true what you say;
+and, any night I am unable to play, you shall be my double!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHIPPED IN VAIN.
+
+(_BY AN M.P. OF A RETIRING NATURE._)
+
+  The Whip, he writes to me to-day,
+    Not, as his wont, in tones pacific,
+  But in the very strongest way,
+    And using language quite terrific.
+
+  He hopes to see me in my place,
+    And woe betide the sad seceder,
+  Whose absence helps to throw disgrace
+    Both on his Party and his Leader.
+
+  I throw my hat up to the sky.
+    At taunts of treason or defection
+  I flip my fingers. What care I?
+    _For I do NOT seek re-election!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THIS INDENTURE WITNESSETH."--According to the _Times_ of Friday last,
+February 5, Cardinal MANNING died practically a pauper. He had given
+everything away in charity. He was a "Prince of the Church," and his
+gifts to others were, indeed, princely. In the wills and deeds of how
+many of our Very Reverend and Right Reverend Lordships shall we find
+nothing gathered up and bequeathed of the loaves and fishes which have
+fallen to their share? Such a testament as the Cardinal's would be in
+quite a New Testamentary spirit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOREIGN AND HOME NEWS.--"The Prussian Education Bill," remarked an
+elderly bachelor to. Mr. PETER FAMILIAS, "is a very important matter;
+because you see--"
+
+"Hang the Prussian Education Bill!" interrupted PETER F., testily.
+"You should see the English Education Bill I've had for my boy's
+schooling last half!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH TO THE LIFEBOAT-MEN.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [The President of the Board of Trade has, by command of
+    the QUEEN, conveyed, through the Royal National Lifeboat
+    Institution, to the crews of the lifeboats of Atherfield,
+    Brightstone, and Brooke, Her Majesty's warm appreciation of
+    their gallant conduct in saving the crew and passengers of the
+    steamship _Eider_.]
+
+  Your hand, lad! 'Tis wet with the brine, and the salt spray has
+          sodden your hair,
+  And the face of you glisteneth pale with the stress of the
+          struggle out there;
+  But the savour of salt is as sweet to the sense of a Briton,
+          sometimes,
+  As the fragrance of wet mignonette, or the scent of the
+          bee-haunted limes.
+
+  Ay, sweeter is manhood, though rough, than the smoothest
+          effeminate charms
+  To the old sea-king strain in our blood in the season of shocks
+          and alarms,
+  When the winds and the waves and the rocks make a chaos of danger
+          and strife;
+  And the need of the moment is pluck, and the guerdon of valour is
+          life.
+
+  That guerdon you've snatched from the teeth of the thundering
+          tiger-maw'd waves,
+  And the valour that smites is as naught, after all, to the valour
+          that saves.
+  They are safe on the shore, who had sunk in the whirl of the
+          floods but for _you_!
+  And some said you had lost your old grit and devotion! We knew
+          'twas not true.
+
+  The soft-hearted shore-going critics of conduct themselves would
+          not dare,
+  The trivial cocksure belittlers of dangers they have not to share,
+  Claim much--oh _so_ much, from rough manhood,--unflinching cool
+          daring in fray,
+  And selflessness utter, from toilers with little of praise, and
+          less pay.
+
+  Her heroes to get "on the cheap" from the rough rank and file of
+          her sons
+  Has been England's good fortune so long, that the scribblers'
+          swift tongue-babble runs
+  To the old easy tune without thought. "Gallant sea-dogs and
+          life-savers!" Yes!
+  But poor driblets of lyrical praise should not be their sole
+          guerdon, I guess.
+
+  On the coast, in the mine, at the fire, in the dark city byeways
+          at night,
+  They are ready the waves, or the flames, or the bludgeoning
+          burglar to fight.
+  And are _we_ quite as ready to mark, or to fashion a fitting reward
+  For the coarsely-clad commonplace men who our life and our
+          property guard?
+
+  A question _Punch_ puts to the Public, and on your behalf, my
+          brave lad,
+  And that of your labouring like. To accept your stout help we are
+          glad:
+  If supply of cheap heroes _should_ slacken, and life-saving valour
+          grow _dear_--
+  Say as courts, party-statesmen, or churches--'twould make some
+          exchequers look queer.
+
+  Do we quite do our part, we shore-goers? Those lights could not
+          flash through the fog,
+  And how often must rescuer willing lie idle on land like a log
+  For lack of the warning of coast-wires from lighthouse or
+          lightship? 'Tis flat
+  That we, lad, have not done _our_ duty, until we have altered all
+          that.
+
+  Well, you have done yours, and successfully, _this_ time at least,
+          and at night.
+  All rescued. How gladly the last must have looked on that brave
+          "Comet Light,"
+  As you put from the wave-battered wreck. Cold, surf-buffeted,
+          weary, and drenched,
+  Your pluck, like the glare from that beacon, flamed on through the
+          dark hours unquenched.
+
+  Nor then was your labour at end. There was treasure to save and to
+          land.
+  Well done, life-boat heroes, once more! _Punch_ is proud to take
+          grip of your hand!
+  Your QUEEN, ever quick to praise manhood, has spoken in words you
+          will hail,
+  And 'twere shame to the People of England, if they in their part
+          were to fail.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST OF THE GUARDS.
+
+_A SONG OF SENTIMENT, TO THE TUNE OF "FAIR LADY ELIZABETH MUGG."_
+(_"REJECTED ADDRESSES."_)
+
+    ["The last of the old Mail-guards is about to disappear from
+    the service of the Post Office. Fifty-six years have elapsed
+    since Mr. MOSES NOBBS--for such is the venerable official's
+    name--was selected to undertake the duties of Guard to one of
+    the Royal Mails."--_Daily Telegraph_.]
+
+  Historical Muse! are you sober?
+    _Is_ he, the old Mail-guard, alive,
+  Who probably swigged sound October
+    From flagons, in One, Eight, Three, Five?
+  When PILCH went a-slogging, and CLARKE
+    Was a-studying slow underhand lobs?
+  Hooray for that evergreen spark,
+    The veteran Guard, MOSES NOBBS![1]
+
+  Why, MOSES, thus bring to a close
+    Your fifty-six years on the road?
+  Do you yearn, after all, for repose,
+    Who with zeal half-a-century glowed?
+  The Muse makes her moan at your loss,
+    And Sentiment silently sobs.
+  Ah! Time, friend, will play pitch-and-toss
+    With all of us, even a NOBBS!
+
+  One sees your Mail-Coach all a-blaze,
+    A masterly hand on the rein,
+  In those rollicking, railway-less days,
+    Which never shall greet us again.
+  That tootling tin-horn one can hear;
+    The old buffers, with breeches and fobs,
+  One can picture; they doubtless were dear
+    To the bosom of brave MOSES NOBBS.
+
+  That blunderbuss, too! Good old Guard!
+    At what Knight of the Road has it shot?
+  And do you remember the bard
+    Who gave us "_The Tantivy Trot_?"
+  Mr. EGERTON WARBURTON's gone,
+    No longer the Highwayman robs;
+  And silence now settles upon
+    The Last of the Guards--MOSES NOBBS!
+
+  Yet oblivion shall not descend
+    On that name till a stave hath been sung.
+  The Muse is antiquity's friend,
+    And in praise of the past will give tongue.
+  If CRACKNALL, the Tantivy Whip,
+    Claimed song, they're but _parvenu_ snobs
+  Who say that the lyre should let slip
+    The memory of stout MOSES NOBBS.
+
+  The Mail-Coach, my NOBBS, is no more
+    What it was when you put on the man;
+  We've Mail Trains, all rattle and roar,
+    And that portent, the Packet Post Van.
+  A Pullman, and not the Box-seat,
+    Is the aim of our modern Lord BOBS;
+  But the old recollections are sweet;
+    And _Punch_ drinks to your health, MOSES NOBBS!
+
+[Footnote 1: The _Telegraph_ gives the gentleman's name both as
+"NOBBS" and "NOGGS." As "NOBBS" comes first, _Mr. Punch_ adopts it, he
+hopes without misnaming the illustrious veteran.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: KIND INQUIRIES.
+
+_The Dean's Wife._ "IS THE DEAR BISHOP STILL LIVING?"
+
+_Episcopal Butler._ "OH YES, MA'AM. HE'S _BETTER_ TO-DAY! WE'RE ALL
+SAYING HE'S GOING TO DISAPPOINT 'EM _YET_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+IV.--THE DUFFER AS COLLECTOR.
+
+I may be a Duffer, but I hope I am neither an idiot nor a cad. I have
+never collected postage-stamps, nor outraged common humanity by asking
+people to send me their autographs. With these exceptions I have
+failed as a collector of almost everything. To succeed you need luck,
+and a dash of unscrupulousness, and careful attention to details,
+and a sceptical habit of mind. Even as a small boy I used to waste my
+shillings at a funny little curiosity-shop, kept by a nice old lady
+who knew no more about her wares than I did. Here I acquired quite
+a series of old coppers, which Mrs. SOMERVILLE said were ancient
+Bactrian. We asked where Bactria was, and she replied that it was a
+"country beyond Cyrus." We answered that Cyrus was not a territorial
+but a personal name, "A fellow, don't you know, not a place," but
+the old lady's information stopped there. I wonder where my Bactrian
+Collection is now. Certainly I never sold it; indeed, I never sold
+anything; not only because nobody would buy, but because, after
+all, one is a Collector, not a tradesman. Birds' eggs I would have
+collected if I could, but you had first to find the bird's nest
+(almost an impossible quest for a born Duffer), and to blow the eggs,
+which, let me tell you, needs nicety of handling. I did once find
+a thrush's nest, and tried blowing an egg, but it was not wholly a
+success, and the egg (the contents of which I accidentally absorbed)
+was not wholly fresh. Then it is awkward when you are at the top of
+a tall tree, with an egg in your mouth, for safety, if the other boys
+make you laugh, as you try to come down. It is the egg which,--but
+enough! Everyone who has been in that position will understand what is
+meant. It is not difficult to collect shells on the seashore, but it
+is extremely difficult to find out what shells they are, after you
+have collected them.
+
+[Illustration: "And, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had
+the misfortune to break several windows."]
+
+Conchology is no child's play. As to collecting marine animals for an
+aquarium, the trouble begins when you forget your acquisitions, and
+carry them about for some time in the pockets of your jacket. That
+jacket is apt to be dusted by the bigger boys, who also interfere
+with your affections for toads, lizards, snakes and other live stock
+dear to youth. The common ambition of boyhood is to be a great
+rabbit-grower, but, somehow, my rabbits did not thrive. The cats
+got at them, and, in shooting at the cats with a crossbow, I had the
+misfortune to break several windows, and riddle a conservatory.
+
+The chief objects of my later ambition have been rare old books, gems,
+engravings, china, and so forth. All these things, if they are to be
+collected, demand that you shall have your wits about you; and the
+peculiarity of the Duffer is that his wits are always wool-gathering.
+A nice collection of wool they must have stored up somewhere. As to
+books, one invariably begins by collecting the wrong things. In novels
+and essays you read of "priceless Elzevirs," and "Aldines worth their
+weight in gold." Fired with hope, you hang about all the stalls, where
+you find myriads of Elzevirs, dumpy, dirty little tomes, in small
+illegible type, and legions of Aldines, books quite as dirty, if not
+so dumpy, and equally illegible, for they are printed in italics. You
+think you are in luck, invest largely, and begin to give yourself the
+airs of an amateur and a discoverer. Then comes somebody who knows
+about the matter in hand, and who tells you, with all the savage joy
+of a collector, that nobody wants any Elzevirs and Aldines, except a
+very few, and they must be in beautiful old bindings, uncut down,
+or scarcely cut down by the binder. These you may long for, but you
+certainly will never find them in the fourpenny box. The Duffer is
+always making the mistake of buying small bargains, as he thinks them,
+and so he will spend, in some time, perhaps, a hundred pounds. With
+a hundred pounds, and with luck, and prudence, and cunning, he might
+perhaps buy one small volume which a collector who knew his business
+would not wholly disdain. But, as it is, he has squandered his money,
+and has nothing to show for it but a heap of trash, of the wrong date,
+without the necessary misprints in the right places, ragged, short,
+and, above all, _imperfect_. I suppose I have the richest collection
+of imperfect books in the world. One hugs oneself on one's _Lucasta_
+(very rare), or one's Elzevir _Caesar_ of the right date, or one's
+first edition of MOLIERE, and then comes, with fiendish glee, the
+regular collector, and shows you that _Lucasta_ has not the portrait
+of LOVELACE, that _Caesar_ has not his pagination all wrong (as he
+ought to have), that the Molieres are Lyons piracies, that half of
+GILBERT's _Gentleman's Diversion_ is not bound up with the rest,
+that, generally speaking, there are pages missing here and there all
+through your books, which you have never "collated," that "a ticket
+of PADELOUP, the binder, has been taken off some broken board of a
+book, and stuck on to a modern imitation, and so forth, all through
+the collection. You cannot sell it; nobody will take as a present
+this Library of a Gentleman who has given up collecting; even Free
+Libraries do not want this kind of treasure, and so it remains,
+littering your shelves, a monument of folly. Happy are the Duffers
+whose eyes are impenetrably sealed, and who can go on believing,
+in spite of a modern water-mark, in their sham BURNS MSS. and their
+volumes with autographs of all the celebrated characters in history.
+But my eyes are purged, and I do not think you shall find me
+collecting old books any more. Certainly I shall not venture into
+auction-rooms, compete with the Trade, and get left with a book
+artfully run up, thanks to my enthusiasm, to four or five times its
+market value.
+
+As to china, what the Duffer buys is invariably cracked, and the
+"marks" on which he places confidence are flagrant imitations.
+He usually begins by supposing that Crown Derby is a priceless
+possession, also he has a touching faith in chipped blue and white
+cups and saucers, marked with a crescent. Worcester they may be, but
+not the right sort of Worcester. And Crown Derby is the very Aldine or
+Elzevir of this market. You might as well collect shares in the Great
+Montezuma Gold Mine, and expect to derive benefit from the investment.
+
+Gems are among the things that the Duffer may most wisely collect,
+for the excellent reason that, in this country, he very seldom
+indeed finds any for sale. He cannot come to much sorrow, for lack of
+opportunities. In Italy it is different. How many beautiful works of
+Art I have acquired in Florence, at considerable ransoms, all of them
+signed in neat, but illegible Greek capitals. I puzzled over them with
+microscopes. The names seemed to end in [Greek: ICHLES]. I thought
+myself a rival of BLACAS, or Lord KILSYTH, or the British Museum. Then
+my friend, WILKINS, came in. "Pretty enough pastes of the last century
+I see," he remarks. "Pastes!--last century!" I indignantly exclaim;
+"why they're of the best period: Sards, all of them signed, but I
+can't make out the artist's name." "It is PICHLER," says WILKINS, "he
+usually signed, for fear his things should be sold as antiques." I had
+to give in about PICHLER (which certainly does not sound very Greek);
+"but here," I said, "you can't call _this_ paste, you can't scratch
+the back of it." "I know I can't," says WILKINS, examining the
+ring, "for a very good reason, because a thin layer of sard has been
+inserted behind. But it's paste, for all that."
+
+"Well," I say, "here's a genuine ancient ring, old gold, and a lovely
+head of Prosperine in cornelian."
+
+"Well, this _is_ odd," says WILKINS, "I know the setting is genuine,
+I have seen it before. But then it had a rubbishy late bit of work in
+it, and I was in the _atelier_ when a gem-cutter shaved away the top
+of the stone, and copied your head of Prosperine on it from a Sicilian
+coin. I can show you a coin of the same stamp in my collection."
+
+[Illustration: "HER MAJESTY'S SERVANTS."
+
+VIEW OF THE STAGE ON THE RE-OPENING OF THE THEATRE ROYAL WESTMINSTER.]
+
+And he showed me it, otherwise I might have remained incredulous.
+"These scarabs," he went on, "are from Birmingham, I know the glaze.
+That gold Egyptian ring, Queen TAIA's do you say, is Coptic, Cairo is
+full of them. That head of CAESAR is a copy from the one in the British
+Museum."
+
+"Why, it is rough with age," I said.
+
+"Ay, they've stuffed it down a turkey's crop, and it has got rubbed
+up in the gravel with which the ingenious bird assists the process of
+digestion. A _man_ who could swallow that gem is a goose."
+
+I am presenting my esteemed collection of ancient engraved stones to
+my nephew at school, who shows all the character of the collector.
+He may swop them for bats, or tarts, or he may learn wisdom from the
+misfortunes of his uncle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THIS STYLE, SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_rising to cross-examine_). Then you assert that
+the golden dinner-service which we are inquiring about was in your
+possession on the evening of July 26th at half-past eight o'clock?
+
+_Plaintiff._ I do.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ And that when you went to take them out of the
+strong-box at 9:15 for your party they had disappeared?
+
+_Plaintiff._ Quite so.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ Pardon my suggesting such a thing, but I
+am instructed to ask you whether, when you paid L800 to the
+rate-collector for arrears of rates on the very next day, you had not
+obtained that sum by selling a portion of this gold plate yourself?
+
+_The Judge._ Really, Mr. BADGERER, this won't do at all. "Legal
+bullying" is a thing of the past, and I shall have to commit you for
+contempt if you make these unworthy suggestions to the Witness.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ But, m'Lud, the whole point of the defence is
+that the Plaintiff himself sto--
+
+_The Judge_ (_hastily interposing_). --Sh! You must not talk like
+that. Remember that "the floor of the Court is _not_ the same thing as
+the interior of a coal-barge."
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_sulkily_). Very well. But I really don't know
+how I am to conduct my case if your Ludship intervenes to check me.
+(_To_ Witness.) I can ask you _this_ at any rate. Did you or did you
+not run up to Town by an early train the morning after the robbery?
+
+_Plaintiff._ Certainly I did. I went to see my tailor, in Bond Street.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ And why did you, then, go all the way from Bond
+Street to the City, eh?
+
+_Plaintiff_ (_gravelled_). My Lord, I must appeal for protection. The
+question is a bullying one.
+
+_The Judge._ Oh, certainly! Counsel has no right to ask such things.
+He ought to take the charitable view of your actions, and suppose that
+you went to the City for a mid-day chop, or because you wanted to
+look at St. Paul's, or something of that kind. We must really try and
+conduct our business as nobly as we can.
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ (_pleasantly_). "_Que Messieurs les assassins
+commencent!_" Then we will presume that your predilection for City
+chops is so great, that you went a couple of miles out of your way to
+get one, and that your reason for dropping in at the establishment
+of Messrs. BLANK, Goldsmiths, and offering them half-a-dozen
+dessert-plates--
+
+_The Judge_ (_interrupting_). Oh, really, this is not at all--
+
+_Plaintiff._ Quite the reverse. I won't stay here to be insulted by
+anybody!
+
+    [_Exit hurriedly._
+
+_Mr. Badgerer, Q.C._ I am afraid the Police Officers who are waiting
+outside to arrest our friend who has just left the box will also be
+denounced as "legal bullies." But after all one can't cross-examine a
+rogue on rosewater principles. And if we Barristers sometimes do make
+things rather rough for innocent Witnesses, by dragging out unpleasant
+incidents in their careers, or suggesting some that never occurred, by
+so acting we provide a powerful inducement to people to avoid having
+such unpleasant incidents to be dragged out. And if the fear of
+cross-examination prevents actions being brought, it thereby also
+prevents would-be litigants ruining themselves in law expenses. With
+submission, m'Lud, and if your Ludship pleases, I would say that we
+"legal bullies" are public benefactors in disguise.
+
+_The Judge._ There's something in what you say, Mr. BADGERER. But the
+disguise need not be so complete as it is. I suppose it's a verdict
+for the Defendants? _With_ costs, yes. Gentlemen of the Jury, I can't
+sufficiently express my sense of the nobility of your conduct in
+listening to the evidence as you have done--though, of course, if
+you had _not_ listened, I should have committed you all for contempt
+in double-quick time--and you will now return a verdict for the
+Defendants.
+
+    [_Left sitting._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS."--No. XXVI. next week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS.
+
+ANOTHER SAVING.
+
+DURING THE ADJOURNMENT, THEIR LORDSHIPS WILL ASSIST IN THE REFRESHMENT
+DEPARTMENT.
+
+_Thirsty Attorney._ "NOT TOO MUCH FROTH ON, MY LUD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO POLICE CONSTABLES SMEETH AND TAPPIN.
+
+    [In endeavouring to capture a gang of burglars at Greenwich,
+    these two constables were dreadfully battered. But they kept
+    up the pursuit until the ruffians were secured.]
+
+  Your hand, Mr. TAPPIN, your hand, Mr. SMEETH.
+  To the men who protect us we offer no wreath.
+  They face for our sakes all the rogues and the brutes,
+  Getting cracks from their bludgeons and kicks from their boots.
+
+  They are battered and bruised, yet they never give in,
+  And at last by good luck they may manage to win.
+  Then, their heads beaten in all through scorning to shirk,
+  Scarred and seamed they return without fuss to their work.
+
+  O pair of good-plucked 'uns, ye heroes in blue,
+  As modest as brave, let us give you your due.
+  Though we cannot do much, we'll do all that we can,
+  Since our hearts throb with pride at the sight of a Man.
+
+  Mr. SMEETH you're a man, Mr. TAPPIN's another;
+  _Mr. Punch_--pray permit him--henceforth is your brother.
+  We are proud of you both, and we'll all of us cheer
+  These Peelers from Greenwich who never knew fear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE BONES TO PICK WITH THE SCHOOL BOARD.
+
+We see there has been some churlish cavilling in some quarters because
+the School Management Committee of the London School Board passed
+a requisition in November last, sanctioning the purchase of an
+articulated skeleton for the Belleville Road School, at the very
+reasonable sum of L8 16s. Why make any bones about the matter? What
+more ornamental and indeed indispensable article of school-furniture
+than a human skeleton nearly six foot high? Still, should the past
+system of expenditure be continued in the future, _Mr. Punch_
+would suggest that excellent and infinitely cheaper substitutes for
+skeletons will be found in the persons of the rate-payers themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUPID'S TENNIS-COURTS.--Under the heading "Tennis in the Riviera," the
+_Daily Telegraph_ recently gave us some important news, which should
+largely influence the Matrimonial Market. The names of Ladies and
+Gentlemen, both "singles" (a not strictly grammatical plural, by the
+way, but what's grammar in a game of Thirty to Love?) were given.
+There was, however, no mention of "ties" or of matches to come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CORRESPONDENT SIGNING HIMSELF "MINCING LANE" WRITES,--"Sir,--The
+_Saturday Review_ complained of Mr. TREE's gait as _Hamlet_, 'which,'
+said the Critic, 'reminds one too much of AGAG.' Most cutting
+comparison for an actor sticking rigidly to the Shakspearian text!
+If there were interpolations in the text of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE's own
+introduction, then indeed he might remind them of _A-gag_; that is, if
+he were continually a-gagging.--M.L."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BOOK.--Soon may be expected, _A Guide to the Unknown Tongs_, by
+the Author of _A Handbook to Poker_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY SAFETY BICYCLE CHAMPIONSHIP--THE LAST
+LAP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FICTION--PRESENT STYLE.
+
+_Gertrude._ "YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING NOW, MARGARET, BUT GO TO ALL SORTS
+OF CHURCHES, AND READ THOSE OLD BOOKS OF THEOLOGY. YOU NEVER USED TO
+BE LIKE THAT."
+
+_Margaret._ "HOW CAN I HELP IT, GERTY?--I'M WRITING A POPULAR NOVEL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAKE CARE!
+
+A SONG OF CONVALESCENCE AFTER INFLUENZA.
+
+_BY AN IMPATIENT PATIENT._
+
+AIR--"_Beware!_"
+
+  "I feel as well as well can be!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  La Grippe's deceptive dontcher see,
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Trust it not,
+            'Twill be fooling thee;
+
+  It's just three weeks since I was "down!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  "I'm wanted very much in town."
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Run no risk,
+            'Tis humbugging thee!
+
+  "_I_ feel all right,--as well as you!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  What feeling tells you is not true!
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Pneumonia waits
+            To be nipping thee!
+
+  "You Doctors are such funny chaps!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  We know the dangers of Relapse.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Flout me not,
+            _I'm_ not fooling thee!
+
+  "Too long you pillow us and pill us!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  You don't half know that blarmed bacillus.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Brave it not,
+            'Twill be flooring thee!
+
+  "The fever's gone, the aches seem vanished."
+            _Take care!_
+  They come back when you think 'em banished.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Trust 'em not,
+            They'll be dodging thee!
+
+  "Oh, come, I say, look here, you know!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  Your pulse is yet two beats too slow.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Trifle not,
+            Sense is schooling thee!
+
+  "Three weeks have I been on my back!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  You don't want to _renew_ the rack.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            East winds are out,
+            They'll be cooling thee!
+
+  "It is a _beast_ of a complaint!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  Don't storm! Your pulse is fluttering, faint.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Worry not,
+            Think of _syncope_!
+
+  "Tush! Taking Care's the awfullest worry!"--
+            _Take care!_
+  For "Complications" punish hurry.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            Resist him not,
+            Who'd be ruling thee!
+
+  Keep warm indoors, take lots of rest.
+            _Take care_!
+  That of all counsels is _the_ best.
+            Beware! Beware!
+            _Out_? Cert'nly _not_!
+            For two weeks--or _three_!
+
+    [_Left fuming._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ON THE SLY."--The name of Mr. J.E. SLY was mentioned in the _World_
+last week as a candidate for the office of High Bailiff of the City
+of London Court. Quite a Shakspearian name is _Sly_. "Look in the
+Chronicles," quoth _Christopher_ of that ilk, "We came in with RICHARD
+Conqueror." We drink success to him in "a pot of the smallest ale" and
+"Let the _World_ slip,"--whether it did slip or not, the event will
+prove,--"We shall ne'er be younger."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CHARLES, HIS FRIENDS."--The Gentlemen who sought to adorn King
+CHARLES's statue with wreaths on the 30th January, are not to be
+beheaded. Like the White Rose League, their Jacobark is worse than
+their Jacobite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: (H)]
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, February_ 9.--House met to-day for what,
+the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE tells me, must needs be last Session
+of present Parliament. Appropriately funereal air over scene and
+proceedings. Usually Members return to work in highest spirits.
+Remember, in years gone by, before the blight of neglect in high
+places fell upon him, how dear old PETER RYLANDS enjoyed himself
+on these occasions. What long strides he used to take, bustling to
+and fro! What thunderous slaps of friendly welcome he bestowed on
+shrinking shoulders! What digs of deep and subtle humour he dealt to
+unresponsive ribs!
+
+If PETER were with us to-day, it is probable that even his
+effervescence of natural spirits would droop under prevalent gloom.
+The familiar place is a House of Mourning. Members tread softly, lest
+they should disturb the sick or wake the dead. Everyone has had the
+influenza, fears he is going to catch it, or mourns someone whom it
+has snatched away.
+
+When SPEAKER took Chair and business commenced, a glance round crowded
+benches brought back memory of much that has happened in the Recess.
+
+"'Tis not alone this inky cloak, good TOBY, worn in sign of public
+mourning," said WILFRID LAWSON, strangely subdued; "the House of
+Commons has had its losses."
+
+"Yes," I say, looking across at the Treasury Bench, where in the
+last weeks of July we were wont to see the kindly anxious face of
+OLD MORALITY, never more to cheer us with his little aphorisms, and
+incite to following his pathway of duty to his QUEEN and country. In
+his place, alert, youthful, strong, with ready smile breaking the
+unfamiliar gravity; of face and manner, sits the new Leader, still
+blushing under effect of ringing cheer that welcomed him to his high
+position.
+
+Lower down, filled up by another, is the place whence used frequently
+to arise a tall, almost gaunt, figure, which, with voice and
+manner indicating close associations with the Church pulpit, read
+from manuscript neatly-constructed answers designed to crush
+HENNIKER-HEATON. A kindly man and an able was RAIKES, who did not
+obtain full recognition for his administration of the office to which
+he was called.
+
+On the other side of the House a great gap is made by the withdrawal
+of PARNELL from the scene. A second, of quite other association, yawns
+where genial DICK POWER used to sit, and wonder what on earth he did
+in this galley, when he might have been riding to hounds in County
+Waterford. HARTINGTON gone, too, an unspeakable loss to gentlemen on
+the benches immediately behind. Many are the weary hours they have
+wiled away wondering whether, at the next backward jerk of the head
+of the sleeping statesman, his hat would tumble off, or whether
+catastrophe would be further postponed. In HARTINGTON's place sits
+CHAMBERLAIN, much too wide awake to afford opportunity for speculation
+on that or cognate circumstance.
+
+In his old corner-seat, in friendly contiguity, with his revered
+friend on the Treasury Bench, GRANDOLPH lounges contemplative. Met him
+earlier in afternoon. Passed us in corridor as I was talking to the
+MARKISS, who was anxious to know how the dinner went off last night,
+at which nephew ARTHUR appeared in character of the New Host at
+Downing Street. The MARKISS looked narrowly at GRANDOLPH as he passed
+with head hung down, tugging at his moustache.
+
+"You remember TOBY, what HEINE said of DE MUSSET? 'A young man with a
+great future--behind him.' There he goes."
+
+"Don't you believe it, my Lord," I said, with the frankness that
+endears me to the aristocracy. "You'll make a grave mistake if you act
+upon that view of GRANDOLPH's position."
+
+"Ah, well," said the MARKISS, a little hastily; "I must go and see
+STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL about this Portugal business."
+
+As he strode off I thought how precise and graphic remains
+Lord LYTTON's description of him, written before he came to the
+Premiership:--
+
+  "The large slouching shoulder, as oppressed
+    By the prone head, habitually stoops
+  Above a world his contemplative gaze
+    Peruses, finding little there to praise."
+
+Sorry I vexed him.
+
+Some disappointment at GRANDOLPH's appearance. Hoped he might do
+honour to occasion by presenting himself in the attire clad in which
+he of late roamed through Mashonaland. It would have been much more
+picturesque than either of the uniforms in which mover and seconder
+of Address are obviously and uncomfortably sewn up preparatory to
+reciting the bald commonplace of their studiously conned lesson.
+
+"He might at least," said CHAPLIN, who, as Minister for Agriculture,
+takes an interest in specimens of animal produce, "have brought with
+him the skin of one of those nine lions he shot from the oak in which
+CHARLES THE FIRST took refuge."
+
+[Illustration: "No gun made would carry so far."]
+
+GRANDOLPH affects not to hear this whispered remark. It was
+addressed to NICHOLAS WOOD, who, leaning over back of Treasury
+Bench, laboriously explains that CHAPLIN is a little mixed; that the
+oak-tree to which he alludes was grown on English ground--wasn't it
+in Worcestershire?--and therefore could not afford a safe place of
+retreat whence lions might be potted in Central Africa.
+
+"There is," said NICHOLAS, emphatically, "no gun made that would carry
+so far."
+
+"Pish!" said CHAPLIN, somewhat inconsequentially.
+
+GRANDOLPH looks across at Front Opposition Bench, and wonders how
+Mr. G. is enjoying himself in the Sunny South. "Younger than any of
+'em," GRANDOLPH admits. "Odd that with a general sweeping away of the
+Leaders in their places last Session, only he should be left. Expect
+he'll see us all out."
+
+"Order! order!"
+
+'Tis the voice of the SPEAKER. I thought he'd complain.
+
+"Notices of Motion!" he calls, in sonorous voice. Then the dreary
+business begins, MILMAN having all the fun to himself as he pulls
+a lucky number put of the Ballot Box, and Members rise in long
+succession, giving notice of interminable Bills and Motions, just as
+they did at the beginning of last Session, when HARTINGTON slept on
+the Front Opposition Bench, when OLD MORALITY fidgetted uneasily in
+the seat of Leader, and when PARNELL stood with his back to the wall
+in Committee Room No. 15.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRULY AND REELLY.--Why didn't they at once elect COTTON, Alderman,
+Poet, and Haberdasher, for the office of City Chamberlain, without
+waiting for a show of hands and the rest of it? Of course COTTON ought
+to have been elected right off the reel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Vol.
+102, Feb. 13, 1892, by Various
+
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