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diff --git a/old/14815-h/14815-h.htm b/old/14815-h/14815-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba362a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14815-h/14815-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8650 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Peck's Compendium of Fun, by George W. Peck</title> +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + <!-- + body {font-family:Georgia,serif;margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;font-variant:small-caps;} + h1.pg {text-align: center;font-variant:normal;} + h4.pg {text-align: center;font-variant:normal;padding-top:0em;} + h6.pg {text-align: center;font-variant:normal;} + sup {font-size:0.7em;} + hr {width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + hr.short {width:25%;} + h3 {padding-top:2em;} + + ul {list-style-type:none;margin-left:15%;} + .returnTOC {text-align:right;font-size:.7em;} + .quote {text-align:justify;text-indent:0em;margin-left:10%;margin-right:10%;} + .cen {text-align:center;} + .rgt {text-align:right;} + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} +.figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;text-align:center;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:50%;} +.figleft {float: left; width:50%;} + a:link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:blue; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:red} + pre {font-size: 8pt;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> +<h1 class="pg">The Project Gutenberg eBook, Peck's Compendium of Fun, by George W. Peck</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Peck's Compendium of Fun</p> +<p>Author: George W. Peck</p> +<p>Release Date: January 27, 2005 [eBook #14815]</p> +<p>Language: english</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S COMPENDIUM OF FUN***</p> +<p> </p> +<h4 class="pg">E-text prepared by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<h1>PECK’S COMPENDIUM OF FUN.</h1> +<h2>COMPRISING THE CHOICEST GEMS OF WIT, HUMOR, SARCASM AND +PATHOS.</h2> +<h3><em>Of America’s Favorite Humorist</em>,</h3> +<h2>GEORGE W. PECK,</h2> +<h3>Editor of “PECK’S SUN” Milwaukee.</h3> +<h3><em>ILLUSTRATED BY EMINENT ARTISTS.</em></h3> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>CHICAGO:</h4> +<h4>1886.</h4> +<hr /> +<h3><a id="Contents" name="Contents">CONTENTS.</a></h3> +<ul> +<li><a href="#About_Hell">About Hell</a></li> +<li><a href="#Another_Dead_Failure">Another Dead Failure</a></li> +<li><a href="#Anna_Dickinson">Anna Dickinson</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Bald-headed_Man_Most_Crazy">A Bald-headed Man Most +Crazy</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Case_of_Paralysis">A Case of Paralysis</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Doctor_of_Laws">A Doctor of Laws</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Hot_Box_at_a_Picnic">A Hot Box at a Picnic</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Lively_Train_Load">A Lively Train Load</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Mad_Minister">A Mad Minister</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Musical_Critique">A Musical Critique</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Peck_at_the_Cheese">A Peck at the Cheese</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Plea_for_the_Bull_Head">A Plea for the Bull +Head</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Sewing_Machine_Given_to_the_Boss_Girl">A Sewing +Machine Given to the Boss Girl</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Safe_Investment">A Safe Investment</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Tony_Slaughter-House">A Tony +Slaughter-House</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Trying_Situation">A Trying Situation</a></li> +<li><a href="#An_Arm_That_is_not_Reliable">An Arm That is not +Reliable</a></li> +<li><a href="#An_Editor_Burglarized">An Editor Burglarized</a></li> +<li><a href="#Banks_and_Banking">Banks and Banking</a></li> +<li><a href="#Bounced_from_Church_for_Dancing">Bounced from Church +for Dancing</a></li> +<li><a href="#Boys_and_Circuses">Boys and Circuses</a></li> +<li><a href="#Boys_will_be_Boys">Boys will be Boys</a></li> +<li><a href="#Broke_up_a_Prayer_Meeting">Broke up a Prayer +Meeting</a></li> +<li><a href="#Buying_a_Stone_Crusher">Buying a Stone +Crusher</a></li> +<li><a href="#Cash">“Cash!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#Camp_Meetings_in_the_Dark_of_the_Moon">Camp Meetings +in the Dark of the Moon</a></li> +<li><a href="#Church_Keno">Church Keno</a></li> +<li><a href="#Colored_Concert_Troupes">Colored Concert +Troupes</a></li> +<li><a href="#Dogs_and_Human_Beings">Dogs and Human Beings</a></li> +<li><a href="#Effects_of_Mineral_Water">Effects of Mineral +Water</a></li> +<li><a href="#Expedition_in_Search_of_a_Doughnut">Expedition in +Search of a Doughnut</a></li> +<li><a href="#Failure_of_a_Solid_Institution">Failure of a Solid +Institution</a></li> +<li><a href="#Fishing_for_Pieces_of_Women">Fishing for Pieces of +Women</a></li> +<li><a href="#Fooling_with_the_Bible">Fooling with the +Bible</a></li> +<li><a href="#George_Washington">George Washington</a></li> +<li><a href="#Granite_Head_Cheese">Granite Head Cheese</a></li> +<li><a href="#Internal_Improvements">Internal Improvements</a></li> +<li><a href="#Joke_on_the_Hat">Joke on the Hat</a></li> +<li><a href="#Killing_Big_Game">Killing Big Game</a></li> +<li><a href="#Large_Mouths_are_Fashionable">Large Mouths are +Fashionable</a></li> +<li><a href="#La_Crosse_Nebecudnezzer_Water">La Crosse +Nebecudnezzer Water</a></li> +<li><a href="#Laying_up_Apples_in_Heaven">Laying up Apples in +Heaven</a></li> +<li><a href="#Mr_Pecks_Sunday_Lecture">Mr. Peck’s Sunday +Lecture</a></li> +<li><a href="#Nearly_Broke_up_the_Ball">Nearly Broke up the +Ball</a></li> +<li><a href="#Our_Blue-Coated_Dog-Poisoners">Our Blue-Coated +Dog-Poisoners</a></li> +<li><a href="#Our_Christian_Neighbors_Have_Gone">Our Christian +Neighbors Have Gone</a></li> +<li><a href="#Palace_Cattle_Cars">Palace Cattle Cars</a></li> +<li>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. +<ul> +<li><a href="#He_Becomes_a_Druggist">He Becomes a Druggist</a></li> +<li><a href="#He_is_too_Healthy">He is too Healthy</a></li> +<li><a href="#He_Quits_the_Drug_Business">He Quits the Drug +Business</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_an_Inventor">His Pa an Inventor</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Dissected">His Pa Dissected</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Goes_Calling">His Pa Goes Calling</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Goes_Skating">His Pa Goes Skating</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Gets_Boxed">His Pa Gets Boxed</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Gets_Mad">His Pa Gets Mad</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Joins_a_Temperance_Society">His Pa Joins a +Temperance Society</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Jokes_Him">His Pa Jokes Him</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_is_Discouraged">His Pa is Discouraged</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Kills_Him">His Pa Kills Him</a></li> +<li><a href="#His_Pa_Mortified">His Pa Mortified</a></li> +</ul> +</li> +<li><a href="#Religion_and_Fish">Religion and Fish</a></li> +<li><a href="#Rope_Ladders">Rope Ladders</a></li> +<li><a href="#Sardineindianapolis">Sardineindianapolis</a></li> +<li><a href="#Seven_Year_Old_Horses">Seven Year Old Horses</a></li> +<li><a href="#Summer_Resorting">Summer Resorting</a></li> +<li><a href="#Take_Your_Latin_Straight">Take Your Latin +Straight</a></li> +<li><a href="#Terror_in_Church">Terror in Church</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Bob-Tailed_Badger">The Bob-Tailed Badger</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Boy_and_the_Goat">The Boy and the Goat</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Difference">The Difference</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Difference_in_Horses">The Difference in +Horses</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Fire_New_Years_Day">The Fire New Year’s +Day</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Giddy_Girls_Quarrel">The Giddy Girl’s +Quarrel</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Gospel_Car">The Gospel Car</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Infidel_and_His_Silver_Mine">The Infidel and His +Silver Mine</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Knight_and_the_Bridal_Chamber">The Knight and the +Bridal Chamber</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Legend_of_the_Lake">The Legend of the +Lake</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Man_from_Dubuque">The Man from Dubuque</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Mistake_About_It">The Mistake About It</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Naughty_But_Nice_Church_Choir">The Naughty But +Nice Church Choir</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_New_Coal_Stove">The New Coal Stove</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Sudden_Fire-Works_at_Racine">The Sudden +Fire-Works at Racine</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Uses_of_the_Paper_Bag">The Uses of the Paper +Bag</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Waters_of_La_Crosse">The Waters of La +Crosse</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Way_to_Name_Children">The Way to Name +Children</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Way_Women_Boss_a_Pillow">The Way Women Boss a +Pillow</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Woodcock">The Woodcock</a></li> +<li><a href="#Those_Bold_Bad_Drummers">Those Bold Bad +Drummers</a></li> +<li><a href="#Those_Step_Ladders">Those Step Ladders!</a></li> +<li><a href="#Tragedy_on_the_Stage">Tragedy on the Stage</a></li> +<li><a href="#Trains_Without_Conductors">Trains Without +Conductors</a></li> +<li><a href="#Try_to_Save_Two_Shillings">Try to Save Two +Shillings</a></li> +<li><a href="#Unscrewing_the_Top_of_a_Fruit_Jar">Unscrewing the Top +of a Fruit Jar</a></li> +<li><a href="#Why_the_Fever_Didnt_Spread">Why the Fever +Did’nt Spread</a></li> +<li><a href="#Woman-Dozing_a_Democrat">Woman-Dozing a +Democrat</a></li> +<li><a href="#Wonders_of_the_Stage">Wonders of the Stage</a></li> +</ul> +<h3>ELECTRIC FLASHES.</h3> +<ul> +<li><a href="#Anna_Dickinson_as_Mazeppa">Anna Dickinson as +“Mazeppa”</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Black_Bear_at_Onalaska">A Black Bear at +Onalaska</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Dead_Sure_Thing">A Dead Sure Thing</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Fashion_Item">A Fashion Item</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Good_Land_Enough">A Good Land Enough</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Lecturer_Should_Know_What_He_Talks_About">A +Lecturer Should Know What He Talks About</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_Loan_Exhibition">A Loan Exhibition</a></li> +<li><a href="#A_New_Sparking_Scheme">A New Sparking Scheme</a></li> +<li><a href="#An_Odorous_Bohemian">An Odorous Bohemian</a></li> +<li><a href="#Base_Ingratitude">Base Ingratitude</a></li> +<li><a href="#Buttermilk_Bibbers">Buttermilk Bibbers</a></li> +<li><a href="#Cats_on_the_Fence">Cats on the Fence</a></li> +<li><a href="#Christmas_Trees">Christmas Trees</a></li> +<li><a href="#Col_Ingersoll_Praying">Col. Ingersoll +Praying</a></li> +<li><a href="#Comforting_Compensations">Comforting +Compensations</a></li> +<li><a href="#Convenient_Currency">Convenient Currency</a></li> +<li><a href="#Crushing_Nihilism">Crushing Nihilism</a></li> +<li><a href="#Enterprising_Chicago">Enterprising Chicago!</a></li> +<li><a href="#Fish_Hatching_in_Wisconsin">Fish Hatching in +Wisconsin</a></li> +<li><a href="#Frozen_Ears">Frozen Ears</a></li> +<li><a href="#Gathered_Waists">Gathered Waists!</a></li> +<li><a href="#Geological_Survey">Geological Survey</a></li> +<li><a href="#Give_us_War">Give us War</a></li> +<li><a href="#Good_Templars_on_Ice">Good Templars on Ice</a></li> +<li><a href="#Hard_on_Fond_Du_Lac">Hard on Fond Du Lac</a></li> +<li><a href="#He_Wouldnt_Have_His_Father_Called_Names">He +Would’nt Have His Father Called Names</a></li> +<li><a href="#How_Farmers_May_Get_Rich">How Farmers May Get +Rich</a></li> +<li><a href="#How_Sharper_Than_a_Hounds_Tooth">“How Sharper +Than a Hound’s Tooth!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#How_to_Invest_a_Thousand_Dollars">How to Invest a +Thousand Dollars</a></li> +<li><a href="#How_to_Reach_Young_Men">How to Reach Young +Men</a></li> +<li><a href="#Hunting_Dogs">Hunting Dogs</a></li> +<li><a href="#Insecure_Abodes">Insecure Abodes</a></li> +<li><a href="#Lunch_on_the_Cars">Lunch on the Cars</a></li> +<li><a href="#Mattie_Mashes_Minnesota">Mattie Mashes +Minnesota</a></li> +<li><a href="#Merrie_Christmas">Merrie Christmas</a></li> +<li><a href="#More_Dangerous_Than_Kerosene">More Dangerous Than +Kerosene</a></li> +<li><a href="#Mrs_Langtry">Mrs. Langtry</a></li> +<li><a href="#One_of_Beechers_Converts">One of Beecher’s +Converts</a></li> +<li><a href="#Preparing_for_War">Preparing for War</a></li> +<li><a href="#Raising_Elephants">Raising Elephants</a></li> +<li><a href="#Registry_of_Electors">Registry of Electors</a></li> +<li><a href="#Selling_Clams">Selling Clams</a></li> +<li><a href="#She_was_no_Gentleman">She was no Gentleman</a></li> +<li><a href="#Southern_Honaw">Southern “Honaw”</a></li> +<li><a href="#Spurious_Tripe">Spurious Tripe</a></li> +<li><a href="#Sure_of_Heaven">Sure of Heaven</a></li> +<li><a href="#Supreme_Court_Judges_and_US_Senators">Supreme Court +Judges and U.S. Senators</a></li> +<li><a href="#Ten_Days_in_Love">Ten Days in Love</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Advent_Preacher_and_the_Balloon">The Advent +Preacher and the Balloon</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Day_We_Reached_Canada">The Day We Reached +Canada</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Dog_Law">The Dog Law</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Glorious_Fourth_of_July">The Glorious Fourth of +July</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Mule_not_the_Eagle">The Mule not the +Eagle</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Old_Sweet_Songs">The Old Sweet Songs</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Political_Outlook">The Political Outlook</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Power_of_Eloquence">The Power of +Eloquence</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Thirsty_Gopher">The Thirsty Gopher</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Universalist_Bath">The Universalist Bath</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Universal_Object">The Universal Object</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Wicked_Mon_Kee">The Wicked Mon Kee</a></li> +<li><a href="#The_Wrong_Corpse">The Wrong Corpse</a></li> +<li><a href="#Three_Inches_of_Leg">Three Inches of Leg</a></li> +<li><a href="#To_What_Vile_Uses_May_We_Come">To What Vile Uses May +We Come</a></li> +<li><a href="#Too_Particular_by_Half">Too Particular by +Half</a></li> +<li><a href="#What_the_Country_Needs">What the Country +Needs</a></li> +<li><a href="#What_the_Democrats_Will_Do">What the Democrats Will +Do</a></li> +<li><a href="#We_Will_Celebrate">We Will Celebrate</a></li> +<li><a href="#Why_not_Raise_Wolves">Why not Raise Wolves?</a></li> +</ul> +<h3>ILLUSTRATIONS.</h3> +<ul> +<li><a href="#img050">A Scene in Paradise</a></li> +<li><a href="#img217">“Ah, my Friends, Look Down Into That +Burning Lake!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img234">An Intrusive Nigger</a></li> +<li><a href="#img202">At the Telephone</a></li> +<li><a href="#img185">Behind the Scenes</a></li> +<li><a href="#img114">Bossing the Pillow</a></li> +<li><a href="#img167">“Do not Pass me by!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img090">Drummers Trying to Pray</a></li> +<li><a href="#img209">“Get Thee to a Nunnery!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img079">“Happy New Year, Mum!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img248">Hiawasamantha, the Dusky Daughter of the +Golden West</a></li> +<li><a href="#img084">“I Want to be an Angel”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img087">It Looked Like an old Dripping Pan</a></li> +<li><a href="#img159">“It is F-f-four Sizes too +Big!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img192">John McCullough Killing a Texas +Steer</a></li> +<li><a href="#img045">“Just as I am”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img151">“Keno!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img240">Martindale Climbs a Pole</a></li> +<li><a href="#img068">“Me Long Lost Duke!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img228">Mystery of a Woman’s Clothes</a></li> +<li><a href="#img021">New Way of Taking Seidlitz Powders</a></li> +<li><a href="#img175">No More Apples for the Minister</a></li> +<li><a href="#img061">“Oh, That Will be all +Right”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img057">“Pa Grabbed Her by the +Polonaise”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img105">“Sard,” and the Greek +Slave</a></li> +<li><a href="#img017">Sacred Memories</a></li> +<li><a href="#img256">Slippery Oysters</a></li> +<li><a href="#img033">Swallow-Tails on the Climb</a></li> +<li><a href="#img268">The Lady of the Seventh Ward</a></li> +<li><a href="#img263">The Old Back Number Girl</a></li> +<li><a href="#img027">The Old Man Tries His Hand</a></li> +<li><a href="#img142">The Resorter</a></li> +<li><a href="#img041">The Rotund Urso</a></li> +<li><a href="#img121">The Sexton in all His Glory</a></li> +<li><a href="#img126">The Startled Cat</a></li> +<li><a href="#img132">The Tenor Arrayed in all His Glory</a></li> +<li><a href="#img222">The Wandering Oyster</a></li> +<li><a href="#img071">“Thereby Hangs a Tail.”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img108">“This is too Allfired +Much!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img037">“Too Late, Pa, I Die at the Hand of an +Assassin!”</a></li> +<li><a href="#img010">Turning the Proper Dingus</a></li> +<li><a href="#img064">“Yell, or go Down!”</a></li> +</ul> +<hr /> +<h2 style="padding-top:3em;">PECK’S COMPENDIUM OF FUN.</h2> +<h3><a id="The_New_Coal_Stove" name="The_New_Coal_Stove">THE NEW +COAL STOVE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>We never had a coal stove around the house until last Saturday. +Have always used pine slabs and pieces of our neighbor’s +fence. They burn well, too, but the fence got all burned up, and +the neighbor said he wouldn’t build a new one, so we went +down to Jones’ and got a coal stove.</p> +<p>After supper we took a piece of ice and rubbed our hands warm, +and went in where that stove was, resolved to make her draw and +burn if it took all the pine fence in the first Ward. Our +better-half threw a quilt over her, and shiveringly remarked that +she never knew what real solid comfort was until she got a coal +stove.</p> +<p>Stung by the sarcasm in her remark, we turned every dingus on +the stove that was movable, or looked like it had anything to do +with the draft, and pretty soon the stove began to heave up heat. +It was not long before she stuttered like the new Silsby steamer. +Talk about your heat! In ten minutes that room was as much worse +than a Turkish bath as Hades is hotter than Liverman’s +ice-house. The perspiration fairly fried out of a tin water cooler +in the next room. We opened the doors, and snow began to melt as +far up Vine street as Hanscombe’s house, and people all round +the neighborhood put on linen clothes. And we couldn’t stop +the confounded thing.</p> +<p>We forgot what Jones told us about the dampers, and she kept a +biling. The only thing we could do was to go to bed, and leave the +thing to burn the house up if it wanted to. We stood off with a +pole and turned the damper every way, and at every turn she just +sent out heat enough to roast an ox. We went to bed, supposing that +the coal would eventually burn out, but about 12 o’clock the +whole family had to get up and sit on the fence.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010.png"><img src= +"images/010.png" alt= +"A man wearing a blanket covered in flames reaches for a stove." +id="img010" name="img010" width="80%" /></a> +<p>TURNING THE PROPER DINGUS.</p> +</div> +<p>Finally a man came along who had been brought up among coal +stoves, and he put a wet blanket over him and crept up to the stove +and turned the proper dingus, and she cooled off, and since that +time has been just as comfortable as possible. If you buy a coal +stove you got to learn how to engineer it, or you may get +roasted.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_is_Discouraged" name="His_Pa_is_Discouraged">HIS +PA IS DISCOURAGED.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“Say, you leave here mighty quick,” said the grocery +man to the bad boy, as he came in, with his arm in a sling, and +backed up against the stove to get warm. “Everything has gone +wrong since you got to coming here, and I think you are a regular +Jonah. I find sand in my sugar, kerosene in the butter, the codfish +is all picked off, and there is something wrong every time you come +here. Now you leave.”</p> +<p>“I aint no Joner,” said the boy as he wiped his nose +on his coat sleeve, and reached into a barrel for a snow apple. +“I never swallered no whale. Say, do you believe that story +about Joner being in the whale’s belly, all night? I +don’t. The minister was telling about it at Sunday school +last Sunday, and asked me what I thought Joner was doing while he +was in there, and I told him I interpreted the story this way, that +the whale was fixed up inside with upper and lower berths, like a +sleeping car, and Joner had a lower berth, and the porter made up +the berth as soon as Joner came in with his satchel, and Joner +pulled off his boots and gave them to the porter to black, and put +his watch under the pillow and turned in. The boys in Sunday school +all laffed, and the minister said I was a bigger fool than Pa was, +and that was useless. If you go back on me, now, I won’t have +a friend, except my chum and a dog, and I swear, by my halidom, +that I never put no sand in your sugar, or kerosene in your butter. +I admit the picking off of the codfish, but you can charge it to +Pa, the same as you did the eggs that I pushed my chum over into +last summer, though I thought you did wrong in charging Christmas +prices for dog days eggs. When my chum’s Ma scraped his pants +she said there was not an egg represented on there that was less +than two years old. The Sunday school folks have all gone back on +me, since I put kyan pepper on the stove, when they were singing +‘Little Drops of Water,’ and they all had to go out +doors and air themselves, but I didn’t mean to let the pepper +drop on the stove. I was just holding it over the stove to warm it, +when my chum hit the funny bone of my elbow. Pa says I am a terror +to cats. Every time Pa says anything, it gives me a new idea. I +tell you Pa has got a great brain, but sometimes he don’t +have it with him. When he said I was a terror to cats I thought +what fun there is in cats, and me and my chum went to stealing cats +right off, and before night we had eleven cats caged. We had one in +a canary bird cage, three in Pa’s old hat boxes, three in +Ma’s band box, four in valises, two in a trunk, and the rest +in a closet up stairs.</p> +<p>“That night Pa said he wanted me to stay home because the +committee that is going to get up a noyster supper in the church +was going to meet at our house, and they might want to send me on +errands. I asked him if my chum couldn’t stay too, +’cause he is the healthiest infant to run after errands that +ever was, and Pa said he could stay, but we must remember that +there musn’t be no monkey business going on. I told him there +shouldn’t be no monkey business, but I didn’t promise +nothing about cats. Well, sir, you’d a dide. The committee +was in the library by the back stairs, and me and my chum got the +cat boxes all together, at the top of the stairs, and we took them +all out and put them in a clothes basket, and just as the minister +was speaking, and telling what a great good was done by these +oyster sociables, in bringing the young people together, and taking +their minds from the wickedness of the world, and turning their +thoughts into different channels, one of the old tom cats in the +basket gave a ‘purmeow’ that sounded like the wail of a +lost soul, or a challenge to battle. I told my chum that we +couldn’t hold the bread-board over the clothes basket much +longer, when two or three cats began to yowl, and the minister +stopped talking and Pa told Ma to open the stair door and tell the +hired girl to see what was the matter up there. She thought our cat +had got shut up in the storm door, and she opened the stair door to +yell to the girl, and then I pushed the clothes basket, cats and +all down the back stairs. Well, sir, I suppose no committee for a +noyster supper, was ever more astonished. I heard Ma fall over a +willow rocking chair, and say, ‘scat,’ and I heard Pa +say, ‘well. I’m dam’d,’ and a girl that +sings in the choir say, ‘Heavens, I am stabbed,’ then +my chum and me ran to the front of the house and come down the +front stairs looking as innocent as could be, and we went in the +library, and I was just going to tell Pa if there was any errands +he wanted run my chum and me was just aching to run them, when a +yellow cat without any tail was walking over the minister, and Pa +was throwing a hassock at two cats that were clawing each other +under the piano, and Ma was trying to get her frizzes back on her +head, and the choir girl was standing on the lounge with her dress +pulled up, trying to scare cats with her striped stockings, and the +minister was holding his hands up, and I guess he was asking a +blessing on the cats, and my chum opened the front door and all the +cats went out. Pa and Ma looked at me, and I said it wasn’t +me, and the minister wanted to know how so much cat hair got on my +coat and vest, and I said a cat met me in the hall and kicked me, +and Ma cried, and Pa said ‘that boy beats hell,’ and +the minister said, I would be all right if I had been properly +brought up, and then Ma was mad, and the committee broke up. Well, +to tell the honest truth Pa basted me, and yanked me around until I +had to have my arm in a sling, but what’s the use of making +such a fuss about a few cats. Ma said she never wanted to have my +company again, ’cause I spoiled everything. But I got even +with Pa for basting me, this morning, and I dassent go home. You +see Ma has got a great big bath sponge as big as a chair cushion, +and this morning I took the sponge and filled it with warm water, +and took the feather cushion out of the chair Pa sits in at the +table, and put the sponge in its place, and covered it over with +the cushion cover, and when we all got set down to the table Pa +came in and sat down on it to ask a blessing. He started in by +closing his eyes and placing his hands up in front of him like the +letter V, and then he began to ask that the food we were about to +partake off be blessed, and then he was going on to ask that all of +us be made to see the error of our ways, when he began to hitch +around, and he opened one eye and looked at me, and I looked as +pious as a boy can look when he knows the pancakes are getting +cold, and Pa he kind of sighed and said ‘Amen’ sort of +snappish, and he got up and told Ma he didn’t feel well, and +she would have to take his place and pass around the sassidge and +potatoes, and he looked kind of scart and went out with his hand on +his pistol pocket, as though he would like to shoot, and Ma she got +up and went around and sat in Pa’s chair. The sponge +didn’t hold more than half a pail full of water, and I +didn’t want to play no joke on Ma, cause the cats nearly +broke her up, but she sat down and was just going to help me, when +she rung the bell and called the hired girl, and said she felt as +though her neuralgia was coming on, and she would go to her room, +and told the girl to sit down and help Hennery. The girl sat down +and poured me out some coffee, and then she said, ‘Howly +Saint Patrick, but I blave those pancakes are burning,’ and +she went out in the kitchen. I drank my coffee, and then took the +big sponge out of the chair and put the cushion in the place of it, +and then I put the sponge in the bath room, and I went up to Pa and +Ma’s room, and asked them if I should go after the doctor, +and Pa had changed his clothes and got on his Sunday pants, and he +said, ‘never mind the doctor, I guess we will pull +through,’ and for me to get out and go to the devil, and I +came over here. Say, there is no harm in a little warm water, is +there? Well, I’d like to know what Pa and Ma and the hired +girl thought. I am the only real healthy one there is in our +family.”</p> +<h3><a id="Three_Inches_of_Leg" name="Three_Inches_of_Leg">THREE +INCHES OF LEG.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Blanche Williams, of Philadelphia, who met with an accident at +Fairmount Water-works, by which one leg was broken, and rendered +three inches shorter than the rest of her legs, has recovered +$10,000 damages. It would seem, to the student of nature, to be a +pretty good price for three inches of ordinary leg, but then some +people will make such a fuss.</p> +<h3><a id="More_Dangerous_Than_Kerosene" name= +"More_Dangerous_Than_Kerosene">MORE DANGEROUS THAN +KEROSENE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The regular weekly murder is reported from Peshtigo. Two men +named Glass and Penrue, got to quarreling about a girl, in a hay +loft, over a barn. Glass stabbed Penrue quite a number of times and +he died. There is nothing much more dangerous, unless it is +kerosene, than two men and a girl, in a hay loft quarreling.</p> +<h3><a id="Ten_Days_in_Love" name="Ten_Days_in_Love">TEN DAYS IN +LOVE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is a fearfully harrowing story going the rounds of the +papers headed “Ten Days in Love.” It must have been +dreadful, with no Sunday, no day of rest, no holiday, just nothing +but love, for ten long days. By the way, did the person live?</p> +<h3><a id="Boys_will_be_Boys" name="Boys_will_be_Boys">BOYS WILL BE +BOYS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Not many months ago there was a meeting of ministers in +Wisconsin, and after the holy work in which they were engaged had +been done up to the satisfaction of all, a citizen of the place +where the conference was held invited a large number of them to a +collation at his house. After supper a dozen of them adjourned to a +room up stairs to have a quiet smoke, as ministers sometimes do, +when they got to talking about old times, when they attended school +and were boys together, and <em>The Sun</em> man, who was present, +disguised as a preacher, came to the conclusion that ministers were +rather human than otherwise when they are young.</p> +<p>One two-hundred pound delegate with a cigar between his fingers, +blew the smoke out of the mouth which but a few hours before was +uttering a supplication to the Most High to make us all good, +punched a thin elder in the ribs with his thumb and said: +“Jim, do you remember the time we carried the cow and calf up +into the recitation room?” For a moment “Jim” was +inclined to stand on his dignity, and he looked pained, until they +all began to laugh, when he looked around to see if any worldly +person was present, and satisfying himself that we were all truly +good, he said: “You bet your life I remember it. I have got a +scar on my shin now where that d—blessed cow hooked +me,” and he began to roll up his trouser leg to show the +scar. They told him they would take his word, and he pulled down +his pants and said:</p> +<p>“Well, you see I was detailed to attend to the calf, and I +carried the calf up stairs, assisted by Bill Smith—who is +preaching in Chicago; got a soft thing—five thousand a year, +and a parsonage furnished, and keeps a team, and if one of those +horses is not a trotter then I am no judge of horseflesh or of +Bill, and if he don’t put on an old driving coat and go out +on the road occasionally and catch on for a race with some +wordly-minded man, then I am another. You hear me—well, I +never knew a calf was so heavy, and had so many hind legs. Kick! +Why, bless your old alabaster heart, that calf walked all over me, +from Genesis to Revelations. And say, we didn’t get much of a +breeze the next morning, did we, when we had to clean out the +recitation room?”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017.png"><img src= +"images/017.png" alt="A group of men smoking." id="img017" name= +"img017" width="80%" /></a> +<p>SACRED MEMORIES</p> +</div> +<p>A solemn-looking minister, with red hair, who was present, and +whose eyes twinkled some through the smoke, said to another:</p> +<p>“Charlie, you remember you were completely gone on the +professor’s niece who was visiting there from Poughkeepsie? +What become of her.”</p> +<p>Charlie put his feet on the table, struck a match on his +trousers, and said:</p> +<p>“Well, I wasn’t gone on her, as you say, but just +liked her. Not too well, you know, but just well enough. She had a +color of hair that I could never stand—just the color of +yours, Hank—and when she got to going with a printer I kind +of let up, and they were married. I understand he is editing a +paper somewhere in Illinois, and getting rich. It was better for +her, as now she has a place to live, and does not have to board +around like a country school ma’am, as she would if she had +married me.”</p> +<p>A dark haired man, with a coat buttoned clear to the neck, and a +countenance like a funeral sermon, with no more expression than a +wooden decoy duck, who was smoking a briar-wood pipe that he had +picked up on a what-not that belonged to the host, knocked the +ashes out in a spittoon, and said:</p> +<p>“Boys, do you remember the time we stole that three-seated +wagon and went out across the marsh to Kingsley’s farm, after +watermelons?”</p> +<p>Four of them said they remembered it well enough, and Jim said +all he asked was to live long enough to get even with Bill Smith, +the Chicago preacher, for suggesting to him to steal a bee-hive on +the trip. “Why,” said he, “before I had got +twenty feet with that hive, every bee in it had stung me a dozen +times. And do you remember how we played it on the professor, and +made him believe that I had the chicken pox? O, gentlemen, a +glorious immortality awaits you beyond the grave for lying me out +of that scrape.”</p> +<p>The fat man hitched around uneasy in his chair and said they all +seemed to have forgotten the principal event of that excursion, and +that was how he tried to lift a bull dog over the fence by the +teeth, which had become entangled in a certain portion of his +wardrobe that should not be mentioned, and how he left a sample of +his trousers in the possession of the dog, and how the farmer came +to the college the next day with his eyes blacked, and a piece of +trousers cloth done up in a paper, and wanted the professor to try +and match it with the pants of some of the divinity students, and +how he had to put on a pair of nankeen pants and hide his +cassimeres in the boat house until the watermelon scrape blew over +and he could get them mended.</p> +<p>Then the small brunette minister asked if he was not entitled to +some credit for blacking the farmer’s eyes. Says he: +“When he got over the fence and grabbed the near horse by the +bits, and said he would have the whole gang in jail, I felt as +though something had got to be done, and I jumped out on the other +side of the wagon and walked around to him and put up my hands and +gave him ‘one, two, three’ about the nose, with my +blessing, and he let go that horse and took his dog back to the +house.”</p> +<p>“Well,” says the red haired minister, “those +melons were green, anyway, but it was the fun of stealing them that +we were after.”</p> +<p>At this point the door opened and the host entered, and, pushing +the smoke away with his hands, he said: “Well, gentlemen, you +are enjoying yourselves?”</p> +<p>They threw their cigar stubs in the spittoon, the solemn man +laid the brier wood pipe where he got it, and the fat man said:</p> +<p>“Brother Drake, we have been discussing the evil effects +of indulging in the weed, and we have come to the conclusion that +while tobacco is always bound to be used to a certain extent by the +thoughtless, it is a duty the clergy owe to the community to +discountenance its use on all possible occasions. Perhaps we had +better adjourn to the parlor, and after asking divine guidance take +our departure.”</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="He_Becomes_a_Druggist" name="He_Becomes_a_Druggist">HE +BECOMES A DRUGGIST.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“Whew! What is that smells so about this store? It seems +as though everything had turned frowy,” said the grocery man +to his clerk in the presence of the bad boy, who was standing with +his back to the stove, his coat-tails parted with his hands, and a +cigarette in his mouth.</p> +<p>“May be it is me that smells frowy,” said the boy as +he put his thumbs in the armholes of his vest, and spit at the +keyhole in the door. “I have gone into business.”</p> +<p>“By thunder, I believe it is you,” said the grocery +man, as he went up to the boy and snuffed a couple of times and +then held his hand to his nose. “The board of health will +kerosene you if they ever smell that smell, and send you to the +glue factory. What business have you gone into to make you smell so +rank?”</p> +<p>“Well, you see Pa began to think it was time I learned a +trade, or a profession, and he saw a sign in a drug store window +‘boy wanted,’ and as he had a boy he didn’t want, +he went to the druggist and got a job for me. This smell on me will +go off in a few weeks. You know I wanted to try all the perfumery +in the store, and after I had got about forty different extracts on +my clothes, another boy that worked there he fixed up a bottle of +benzine and assafety and brimstone, and a whole lot of other horrid +stuff, and labeled it ‘rose geranium,’ and I guess I +just wallered in it. It <em>is</em> awful, aint it? It kerflummixed +Ma when I went into the dining-room the first night that I got home +from the store, and broke Pa all up. He said I reminded him of the +time they had a litter of skunks under the barn. The air seemed +fixed around where I am, and everybody seems to know who fixed it. +A girl came into the store yesterday to buy a satchet, and there +wasn’t anybody there but me, and I didn’t know what it +was, and I took down everything in the store pretty near before I +found it, and then I wouldn’t have found it only the +proprietor came in. The girl asked the proprietor if there +wasn’t a good deal of sewer gas in the store, and he told me +to go out and shake myself. I think the girl was mad at me because +I got a nursing bottle out of the show case with a rubber muzzle, +and asked her if that was what she wanted. Well, she told me a +sachet was something for the stummick, and I thought a nursing +bottle was the nearest thing to it.”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/021.png"><img src= +"images/021.png" alt="A man spits something while a clerk watches." +id="img021" name="img021" width="80%" /></a> +<p>NEW WAY OF TAKING SEIDLITZ POWDERS</p> +</div> +<p>“I should think you would drive all the customers away +from the store,” said the groceryman as he opened the door to +let the fresh air in.</p> +<p>“I don’t know but I will, but I am hired for a month +on trial, and I shall stay. You see, I sha’n’t practice +on anybody but Pa for a spell. I made up my mind to that when I +gave a woman some salts instead of powdered borax, and she came +back mad. Pa seems to want to encourage me, and is willing to take +anything that I ask him to. He had a sore throat and wanted +something for it, and the boss drugger told me to put some tannin +and chlorate of potash in a mortar and grind it, and I let Pa pound +it with the mortar, and while he was pounding I dropped in a couple +of drops of sulphuric acid, and it exploded and blowed Pa’s +hat clear across the store, and Pa was whiter than a sheet. He said +he guessed his throat was all right, and he wouldn’t come +near me again that day. The next day Pa came in, and I was laying +for him. I took a white seidletz powder and a blue one, and +dissolved them in separate glasses, and when Pa came in I asked him +if he didn’t want some lemonade, and he said he did, and I +gave him the sour one and he drank it. He said it was too sour, and +then I gave him the other glass that looked like water, to take the +taste out of his mouth, and he drank it. Well, sir, when those two +powders got together in Pa’s stummick, and began to siz and +steam and foam, Pa pretty near choked to death, and the suds came +out of his nostrils, and his eyes stuck out, and as soon as he +could get his breath he yelled ‘fire,’ and said he was +poisoned, and called for a doctor, but I thought as long as we had +a doctor right in the family there was no use of hiring one, so I +got a stomach pump and would have baled him out in no time, only +the proprietor came in and told me to go and wash some bottles, and +he gave Pa a drink of brandy, and Pa said he felt better. Pa has +learned where we keep the liquor, and he comes in two or three +times a day with a pain in his stomach. They play awful mean tricks +on a boy in a drug store. The first day they put a chunk of +something blue into a mortar, and told me to pulverize it and then +make it up into two grain pills. Well, sir, I pounded that chunk +all the forenoon, and it never pulverized at all, and the boss told +me to hurry up as the woman was waiting for the pills, and I mauled +it till I was nearly dead, and when it was time to go to supper the +boss came and looked in the mortar, and took out the chunk and +said, ‘You dum fool, you have been pounding all day on a +chunk of India rubber, instead of blue mass!’ Well, how did I +know? But I will get even with them if I stay there long enough, +and don’t you forget it. If you have a prescription you want +filled you can come down to the store and I will put it up for you +myself, and then you will be sure to get what you pay +for.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece +of limberg cheese and put it on the stove to purify the air in the +room, “I should laugh to see myself taking any medicine you +put up. You will kill some one yet, by giving them poison instead +of quinine. But what has your Pa got his nose tied up for? He looks +as though he had had a fight.”</p> +<p>“O, that was from my treatment. He had a wart on his nose. +You know that wart. You remember how the minister told him if other +peoples’ business had a button hole in it, Pa could button +the wart in the button-hole, as he always had his nose there. Well, +I told Pa I could cure that wart with caustic, and he said he would +give five dollars if I could cure it, so I took a stick of caustic +and burned the wart off, but I guess I burned down into the nose a +little, for it swelled up as big as a lobster. Pa says he would +rather have a whole nest of warts than such a nose, but it will be +all right in a year or two.”</p> +<h3><a id="A_Loan_Exhibition" name="A_Loan_Exhibition">A LOAN +EXHIBITION.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“What is a loan exhibition?” asks a correspondent. +Well, when a fellow borrows ten dollars of you, to be paid next +Saturday, and he lets it run a year and a half, and don’t pay +it, and he meets you on the street and asks for five dollars more, +and you turn him around and kick him right before the crowd, that +is a loan exhibition.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Wicked_Mon_Kee" name="The_Wicked_Mon_Kee">THE WICKED +MON KEE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Mon Kee, a Chinaman that was converted to regular United States +religious doctrines, and opened a mission in New York for the +purpose of converting more heathens and shethens, has been arrested +for stealing. This is a terrible blow, and Mon Kee was a terrible +plower. A few weeks since the religious papers made more blow over +the coming into the fold of that Chinaman than they did over all +the editors in the country, who went not astray. Now they have shut +up their yawp about him, since he has proved to be no better than +Talmage or Beecher.</p> +<h3><a id="Unscrewing_the_Top_of_a_Fruit_Jar" name= +"Unscrewing_the_Top_of_a_Fruit_Jar">UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT +JAR.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is one thing that there should be a law passed about, and +that is, these glass fruit jars, with a top that screws on. It +should be made a criminal offense, punishable with death or +banishment to Chicago, for a person to manufacture a fruit jar, for +preserving fruit, with a top that screws on. Those jars look nice +when the fruit is put up in them, and the house-wife feels as +though she was repaid for all her perspiration over a hot stove, as +she looks at the glass jars of different berries, on the shelf in +the cellar.</p> +<p>The trouble does not begin until she has company, and decides to +tap a little of her choice fruit. After the supper is well under +way, she sends for a jar, and tells the servant to unscrew the top, +and pour the fruit into a dish. The girl brings it into the +kitchen, and proceeds to unscrew the top. She works gently at +first, then gets mad, wrenches at it, sprains her wrist, and begins +to cry, with her nose on the underside of her apron, and skins her +nose on the dried pancake batter that is hidden in the folds of the +apron.</p> +<p>Then the little house-wife takes hold of the fruit can, +smilingly, and says she will show the girl how to take off the top. +She sits down on the wood-box, takes the glass jar between her +knees, runs out her tongue, and twists. But the cover does not +twist. The cover seems to feel as though it was placed there to +keep guard over that fruit, and it is as immovable as the Egyptian +pyramids. The little lady works until she is red in the face, and +until her crimps all come down, and then she sets it away to wait +for the old man to come home. He comes in tired, disgusted, and mad +as a hornet, and when the case is laid before him, he goes out in +the kitchen, pulls off his coat and takes the jar.</p> +<p>He remarks that he is at a loss to know what women are made for, +anyway. He says they are all right to sit around and do crochet +work, but when strategy, brain, and muscle are required, then they +can’t get along without a man. He tries to unscrew the cover, +and his thumb slips off and knocks the skin off the knuckle. He +breathes a silent prayer and calls for the kerosene can, and pours +a little oil into the crevice, and lets it soak, and then he tries +again, and swears audibly.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/027.png"><img src= +"images/027.png" alt="A man tries to open a jar." id="img027" name= +"img027" width="80%" /></a> +<p>THE OLD MAN TRIES HIS HAND.</p> +</div> +<p>Then he calls for a tack-hammer, and taps the cover gently on +one side, the glass jar breaks, and the juice runs down his +trousers leg, on the table and all around. Enough of the fruit is +saved for supper, and the old man goes up the back stairs to tie +his thumb up in a rag, and change his pants.</p> +<p>All come to the table smiling, as though nothing had happened, +and the house-wife don’t allow any of the family to have any +sauce for fear they will get broken glass into their stomachs, but +the “company” is provided for generously, and all would +be well only for a remark of a little boy who, when asked if he +will have some more of the sauce, says he “don’t want +no strawberries pickled in kerosene.” The smiling little +hostess steals a smell of the sauce while they are discussing +politics, and believes she does smell kerosene, and she looks at +the old man kind of spunky, when he glances at the rag on his thumb +and asks if there is no liniment in the house.</p> +<p>The preserving of fruit in glass jars is broken up in that +house, and four dozen jars are down cellar to lay upon the +lady’s mind till she gets a chance to send some of them to a +charity picnic. The glass jar fruit can business is played out +unless a scheme can be invented to get the top off.</p> +<h3><a id="He_Wouldnt_Have_His_Father_Called_Names" name= +"He_Wouldnt_Have_His_Father_Called_Names">HE WOULDN’T HAVE +HIS FATHER CALLED NAMES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A man died in Oshkosh who was over eighty years of age. After +the funeral the minister who conducted the services, said to the +son of the deceased, “your father was an octogenarian.” +The young man colored up, doubled up his fist, and said to the +minister that he would like to have him repeat that remark. The +minister said, “I say your father was an old +octogenarian.” He had not more than got the word out of his +mouth before the young man struck him on the nose, knocked him +down, kicked him in the ear, and when pulled off by a policeman, he +said no holyghoster could call his dead father names, not around +him. The minister said he couldn’t have been more surprised +if some one had paid a year’s pew rent, than he was when that +young man’s fist hit him.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="He_Quits_the_Drug_Business" name= +"He_Quits_the_Drug_Business">HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“What are you loafing around here for,” says the +grocery man to the bad boy one day this week. “It is after +nine o’clock, and I should think you would want to be down to +the drug store. How do you know but there may be somebody dying for +a dose of pills?”</p> +<p>“O, darn the drug store. I have got sick of that business, +and I have dissolved with the drugger. I have resigned. The policy +of the store did not meet with my approval, and I have stepped out +and am waiting for them to come and tender me a better position at +an increased salary,” said the boy, as he threw a cigar stub +into a barrel of prunes and lit a fresh one.</p> +<p>“Resigned, eh?” said the grocery man as he fished +out the cigar stub and charged the boy’s father with two +pounds of prunes, didn’t you and the boss agree?”</p> +<p>“Not exactly, I gave an old lady some gin when she asked +for camphor and water, and she made a show of herself. I thought I +would fool her, but she knew mighty well what it was, and she drank +about half a pint of gin, and got to tipping over bottles and kegs +of paint, and when the drug man came in with his wife, the old +woman threw her arms around his neck and called him her darling, +and when he pushed her away, and told her she was drunk, she picked +up a bottle of citrate of magnesia and pointed it at him, and the +cork came out like a pistol, and he thought he was shot, and his +wife fainted away, and the police came and took the old gin +refrigerator away, and then the drug man told me to face the door, +and, when I wasn’t looking he kicked me four times, and I +landed in the street, and he said if I ever came in sight of the +store again he would kill me dead. That is the way I resigned. I +tell you, they will send for me again. They never can run that +store without me.</p> +<p>“I guess they will worry along without you,” said +the grocery man. “How does your Pa take your being fired out? +I should think it would brake him all up.”</p> +<p>“O, I think Pa rather likes it. At first he thought he had +a soft snap with me in the drug store, cause he has got to drinking +again, like a fish, and he has gone back on the church entirely; +but after I had put a few things in his brandy he concluded it was +cheaper to buy it, and he is now patronizing a barrel house down by +the river.</p> +<p>“One day I put some Castile soap in a drink of drandy, and +Pa leaned over the back fence more than an hour, with his finger +down his throat. The man that collects the ashes from the alley +asked Pa if he had lost anything, and Pa said he was only +‘sugaring off.’ I don’t know what that is. When +Pa felt better he came in and wanted a little whisky to take the +taste out of his mouth, and I gave him some, with about a +teaspoonful of pulverized alum in it. Well, sir, you’d a +dide. Pa’s mouth and throat was so puckered up that he +couldn’t talk. I don’t think that drugman will make +anything by firing me out, because I shall turn all the trade that +I control to another store. Why, sir, sometimes there were eight +and nine girls in the store all at wonct, on account of my being +there. They came to have me put extracts on their handkerchiefs, +and to eat gum drops—he will lose all that trade now. My girl +that went back on me for the telegraph messenger boy, she came with +the rest of the girls, but she found that I could be as +‘hawty as a dook.’ I got even with her, though. I +pretended I wasn’t mad, and when she wanted me to put some +perfumery on her handkerchief I said ‘all right,’ and I +put on a little geranium and white rose, and then I got some +tincture of assafety, and sprinkled it on her dress and cloak when +she went out. That is about the worst smelling stuff that ever was, +and I was glad when she went out and met the telegraph boy on the +corner. They went off together; but he came back pretty soon, about +the homesickest boy you ever saw, and he told my chum he would +never go with that girl again because she smelled like spoiled +oysters or sewer gas. Her folks noticed it, and made her go and +wash her feet and soak herself, and her brother told my chum it +didn’t do any good, she smelled just like a glue factory, and +my chum—the darn fool—told her brother that it was me +who perfumed her, and he hit me in the eye with a frozen fish, down +by the fish store, and that’s what made my eye black; but I +know how to cure a black eye. I have not been in a drug store eight +days, and not know how to cure a black eye; and I guess I learned +that girl not to go back on a boy ‘cause he smelled like a +goat.</p> +<p>“Well, what was it about your leaving the wrong medicine +at houses? The policeman in this ward told me you come pretty near +killing several people by leaving the wrong medicine.”</p> +<p>“The way of it was this. There was about a dozen different +kinds of medicine to leave at different places, and I was in a +hurry to go to the roller skating rink, so I got my chum to help +me, and we just took the numbers of the houses, and when we rung +the bell we would hand out the first package we come to, and I +understand there was a good deal of complaint. One old maid who +ordered powder for her face, her ticket drew some worm lozengers, +and she kicked awfully, and a widow who was going to be married, +she ordered a celluloid comb and brush, and she got a nursing +bottle with a rubber nozzle, and a toothing ring, and she made +quite a fuss; but the woman who was weaning her baby and wanted the +nursing bottle, she got the comb and brush and some blue pills, and +she never made any fuss at all. It makes a good deal of difference, +I notice, whether a person gets a better thing than they order or +not. But the drug business is too lively for me. I have got to have +a quiet place, and I guess I will be a cash boy in a store. Pa says +he thinks I was cut out for a bunko steerer, and I may look for +that kind of a job. Pa he is a terror since he got to drinking +again. He came home the other day, when the minister was calling on +Ma, and just cause the minister was sitting on the sofa with Ma, +and had his hand on her shoulder, where she said the pain was when +the rheumatiz came on, Pa was mad and told the minister he would +kick his liver clear around on the other side if he caught him +there again, and Ma felt awful about it. After the minister had +gone away, Ma told Pa he had got no feeling at all, and Pa said he +had got enough feeling for one family, and he didn’t want no +sky-sharp to help him. He said he could cure all the rheumatiz +there was around the house, and then he went down town and +didn’t get home till most breakfast time. Ma says she thinks +I am responsible for Pa’s falling into bad ways again, and +now I am going to cure him. You watch me, and see if I don’t +have Pa in the church in less than a week, praying and singing, and +going home with the choir singers, just as pious as ever. I am +going to get a boy that writes a woman’s hand to write to Pa, +and—but I must not give it away. But you just watch Pa, +that’s all. Well, I must go and saw some wood. It is coming +down a good deal, from a drug clerk to sawing wood, but I will get +on top yet, and don’t you forget it.”</p> +<h3><a id="Give_us_War" name="Give_us_War">GIVE US WAR!</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>We are in receipt of a circular from the American peace society, +requesting us to leave a sum of money, in our will, to the society +to be applied to the interest of peace. We are opposed to peace, on +such terms. Give us war, every time.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Fire_New_Years_Day" name= +"The_Fire_New_Years_Day">THE FIRE NEW YEAR’S DAY.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>If there is anything the young men of Rescue Hose Company pride +themselves upon, it is in getting themselves up, regardless of +expense, on New Year’s day, and calling upon their lady +friends. On Monday last these young men arrayed themselves in their +best clothes and sat around in stores and waited for the time to go +calling. Solomon in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of +these firemen.</p> +<div class="figright"><a href="images/033.png"><img src= +"images/033.png" alt="A fireman climbs a ladder." id="img033" name= +"img033" width="100%" /></a> +<p>SWALLOW-TAILS ON THE CLIMB.</p> +</div> +<p>Just as the young gentlemen were about throwing away their last +cigar at noon, preparatory to calling at the first place on the +list, the fire-bell rang, and there was a lively procession +followed the steamer down Fourth street in a few minutes. It looked +as though a wedding had been broken up and bridegrooms were running +around loose. The party arrived at the scene of the fire, which was +Matt. Larsen’s hotel on the corner of Second and King +streets, and such a shinning of swallow-tailed coats up blue +ladders was never seen. The fellows that belonged in the house +threw out bedsteads and crockery on to stove-pipe hats, and emptied +beds on to broadcloth coats. The wedding party disappeared in the +third story window with the hose, in the smoke, and after half an +hour’s work they came out looking as though they had been in +the Ashtabula railroad accident. Young Mr. Smith had a stream of +dirty water sent up his trousers leg, which went clear up to his +collar, and wilted it beyond repair. Mr. Hatch entwined his doeskin +pants around the burnt ridge-pole of the roof, hung on to a rafter +with his teeth, and chopped shingles, and the pipemen kept him wet, +and he looked like a bundle of damp stuff in a paper mill. Mr. +Spence was on the top of the ladder, and Mr. Drummond was next +below him. In falling, Mr. D. caught hold of one tail of Mr. +Spence’s swallow hammer coat, and stretched the tail about +two feet longer than the other. Mr. Foote was as dry as a bone, +until the pipeman saw him, and they nailed him up against the wall +with a stream and Foote was damp as a wet nurse in a minute.</p> +<p>Young Mr. Osborne, confidential adviser of Hyde, Cargill & +Co., got half way up the ladder, and a leak in the hose struck him +and froze him to the ladder, and Mr. Watson had to strike a match +and thaw him loose. He wet his pants from Genesis to Revelations, +and had to go calling with an ulster overcoat on. The most of the +young men, after returning from the fire, stood by the stove and +dried themselves, and went calling all the same, but the girls said +they smelt like burnt shingles. The boys were all dry enough at the +dance in the evening.</p> +<h3><a id="Southern_Honaw" name="Southern_Honaw">SOUTHERN +“HONAW.”</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Bennett and May fought a duel in Maryland the other day, and as +near as the truth can be arrived at neither party received a +scratch. But their “honaw” was satisfied.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Kills_Him" name="His_Pa_Kills_Him">HIS PA KILLS +HIM.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“For heaven’s sake dry up that whistling,” +said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he sat on a bag of peanuts, +whistling and filling his pockets. “There is no sense in such +whistling. What do you whistle for, anyway?”</p> +<p>“I am practicing my profession,” said the boy, as he +got up and stretched himself, and cut off a slice of cheese, and +took a few crackers. “I have always been a good whistler, and +I have decided to turn my talent to account. I am going to hire an +office and put out a sign, ‘Boy furnished to whistle for lost +dogs.’ You see there are dogs lost every day, and any man +would give half a dollar to a boy to find his dog. I can hire out +to whistle for dogs, and can go around whistling and enjoy myself, +and make money. Don’t you think it is a good scheme?” +asked the boy of the grocery man.</p> +<p>“Naw,” said the grocery man, as he charged the +cheese to the boy’s father, and picked up his cigar stub, +which he had left on the counter, and which the boy had rubbed on +the kerosene barrel, “No, sir, that whistle would scare any +dog that heard it. Say, what was your Pa running after the doctor +in his shirt sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked scared. Was +your Ma sick again?”</p> +<p>“O, no; Ma is healthy enough, now she has got a new fur +lined cloak. She played consumption on Pa, and coughed so she liked +to raise her lights and liver, and made Pa believe she +couldn’t live, and got the doctor to prescribe a fur lined +circular, and Pa went and got one, and Ma has improved awfully. Her +cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I was the one that +was sick. You see, I wanted to get Pa into the church again, and +get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to write a letter to him, +in a female hand, and sign the name of a choir singer Pa was mashed +on, and tell him she was yearning for him to come back to the +church, and that the church seemed a blank without his smiling +face, and benevolent heart, and to please come back for her sake. +Pa got the letters Saturday night and he seemed tickled, but I +guess he dreamed about it all night, and Sunday morning he was mad, +and he took me by the ear and said I couldn’t come no +‘Daisy’ business on him the second time. He said he +knew I wrote the letter, and for me to go up to the store room and +prepare for the almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he went +down stairs and broke up an apple barrel and got a stave to whip me +with. Well, I had to think mighty quick, but I was enough for him. +I got a dried bladder in my room, one that me and my chum got to +the slotter house, and I blowed it partly up, so it would be sort +of flat like, and I put it down inside the back part of my pants, +right about where Pa hits when he punishes me. I knowed when the +barrel stave hit the bladder it would explode. Well, Pa came up and +found me crying. I can cry just as easy as you can turn on the +water at a faucet, and Pa took off his coat and looked sorry. I was +afraid he would give up whipping me when he saw me cry, and I +wanted the bladder experiment to go on, so I looked kind of hard, +as if I was defying him to do his worst, and then he took me by the +neck and laid me across a trunk. I didn’t dare struggle much +for fear the bladder would loose itself, and Pa said, ‘Now, +Hennery, I am going to break you of this damfoolishness, or I will +break your back,’ and he spit on his hands and brought the +barrel stave down on my best pants. Well, you’d a dide if you +had heard the explosion. It almost knocked me off the trunk. It +sounded like firing a firecracker away down cellar in a barrel, and +Pa looked scared. I rolled off the trunk, on the floor, and put +some flour on my face, to make me look pale, and then I kind of +kicked my legs like a fellow who is dying on the stage, after being +stabbed with a piece of lath, and groaned, and said, ‘Pa you +have killed me, but I forgive you,’ and then rolled around, +and frothed at the mouth, cause I had a piece of soap in my mouth +to make foam. Well, Pa was all broke up. He said, ‘Great God, +what have I done? I have broke his spinal column. O, my poor boy, +do not die!’ I kept chewing the soap and foaming at the +mouth, and I drew my legs up and kicked them out, and clutched my +hair, and rolled my eyes, and then kicked Pa in the stummick as he +bent over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then my limbs +began to get rigid, and I said, ‘Too late, Pa, I die at the +hand of an assassin. Go for a doctor.’ Pa throwed his coat +over me, and started down stairs on a run, ‘I have murdered +my brave boy,’ and he told Ma to go up stairs and stay with +me, cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured a blood vessel, and +he went after a doctor. When he went out the front door, I sat up +and lit a cigarette, and Ma came up and I told her all about how I +fooled Pa, and if she would take on and cry, when Pa got back, I +would get him to go to church again, and swear off drinking, and +she said she would.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/037.png"><img src= +"images/037.png" alt= +"A lays on the ground while another walks away carrying a stick." +id="img037" name="img037" width="100%" /></a> +<p>“TOO LATE, PA, I DIE AT THE HAND OF AN +ASSASSIN!”</p> +</div> +<p>“So when Pa and the doc. came back, Ma was sitting on a +velocipede I used to ride, which was in the store-room, and she had +her apron over her face, and she just more than bellowed. Pa he was +pale, and he told the doc. he was just playing with me with a +little piece of board, and he heard something crack, and he guessed +my spine got broke falling off the trunk. The doctor wanted to feel +where my spine got broke, but I opened my eyes and had a vacant +kind of stare, like a woman who leads a dog by a string, and looked +as though my mind was wandering, and I told the doctor there was no +use setting my spine, as it was broke in several places, and I +wouldn’t let him feel of the dried bladder. I told Pa I was +going to die, and I wanted him to promise me two things on my dying +bed. He cried and said he would, and I told him to promise me he +would quit drinking, and attend church regular, and he said he +would never drink another drop, and would go to church every +Sunday. I made him get down on his knees beside me and swear it, +and the doc. witnessed it, and Ma said she was so glad, and Ma +called the doctor out in the hall and told him the joke, and the +doc. came in and told Pa he was afraid Pa’s presence would +excite the patient, and for him to put on his coat and go out and +walk around the block, or go to church, and Ma and he would remove +me to another room, and do all that was possible to make my last +hours pleasant. Pa he cried, and said he would put on his plug hat +and go to church, and he kissed me, and got flour on his nose, and +I came near laughing right out, to see the white flour on his red +nose, when I thought how the people in church would laugh at Pa. +But he went out feeling mighty bad, and then I got up and pulled +the bladder out of my pants, and Ma and the doc. laughed awful. +When Pa got back from church and asked for me, Ma said that I had +gone down town. She said the doctor found my spine was only +uncoupled and he coupled it together, and I was all right. Pa was +nervous all the afternoon, and Ma thinks he suspects that we played +it on him. Say, you don’t think there is any harm in playing +it on an old man a little for a good cause, do you?”</p> +<p>The grocery man said he supposed, in the interest of reform it +was all right, but if it was his boy that played such tricks he +would take an ax to him, and the boy went out, apparently +encouraged, saying he hadn’t seen the old man since the day +before, and he was almost afraid to meet him.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Musical_Critique" name="A_Musical_Critique">A MUSICAL +CRITIQUE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<div class="figright"><a href="images/041.png"><img src= +"images/041.png" alt="A large woman plays the violin." id="img041" +name="img041" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE ROTUND URSO.</p> +</div> +<p>The second lecture of the Library Association course was +delivered on Tuesday evening by a female lecturer named Camilla +Urso, on a fiddle. The lecturer was supported by a female singer, +two male clamsellers, and a piano masher, all of them decidedly +talented in their particular lines. The lecture on the fiddle gave +the most unbounded satisfaction, and the Association in taking this +new departure, has struck a popular chord. Scarcely a person in the +vast audience but would prefer such an entertainment to a dry +lecture by some dictionary sharp. Of the performance, it is +unnecessary to go into details, as all our readers were there, with +few exceptions. The fat female, Urso, more than carved the fiddle. +She dug sweet morsels of music out of it, all the way from the +wish-bone to the part that goes over the fence last. She made it +talk Norwegian, and squeezed little notes out of it not bigger than +a cambric needle, and as smooth as a book agent. The female singer +was fair, though nothing to brag on, while the male grasshopper +sufferers sang as well as was necessary. But the most agile +flea-catcher that has been here since Anna Dickinson’s time, +was sixteen-fingered Jack, the sandhill crane that had the +disturbance with the piano. We never knew what the row was about, +but when he walked up to the piano smiling, and shied his castor +into the ring, everybody could see there was going to be trouble. +He spit on his hands, sparred a little, and suddenly landed a +stunning blow right on the ivory, which staggered the piano, and +caused an exclamation of agony. First knock down for Jack. He +paused a moment and then began putting in blows right and left, in +such a cruel manner that the spectators came near breaking into the +ring. Whenever a key showed its head he mauled it. We never saw a +piano stand so much punishment, and live, and Jack never got a +scratch. The whole concert was a success, and the troupe can always +get a good house here.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Dead_Sure_Thing" name="A_Dead_Sure_Thing">A DEAD SURE +THING.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The only persons that are real sure that their calling and +election is sure, and that they are going to heaven across lots, +are the men who are hung for murder. They always announce that they +have got a dead thing on it, just before the drop falls. How +encouraging it must be to children to listen to the prayers of our +ministers in churches, who admit that they are miserable sinners +living on God’s charity, and doubtful if they would be +allowed to sit at His right hand, and as they tell the story of +their unworthiness the tears trickle down their cheeks. Then let +the children read an account of a hanging bee, and see how happy +the condemned man is, how he shouts glory hallelujah, and confesses +that, though he killed his man, he is going to heaven. A child will +naturally ask why don’t the ministers murder somebody and +make a dead sure thing of it?</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Mortified" name="His_Pa_Mortified">HIS PA +MORTIFIED.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“What was the health officer doing over to your house this +morning?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth +was firing frozen potatoes at the man who collects garbage in the +alley.</p> +<p>“O, they are searching for sewer gas and such things, and +they have got plumbers and other society experts till you +can’t rest, and I came away for fear they would find the +sewer gas and warm my jacket. Say, do you think it is right when +anything smells awfully, to always lay it to a boy?”</p> +<p>“Well, in nine cases out of ten they would hit it right, +but what do you think is the trouble over to your house, +honest?”</p> +<p>“S-h-h! Now don’t breathe a word of it to a living +soul, or I am a dead boy. You see I was over to the dairy fair at +the Exposition building Saturday night, and when they were breaking +up me and my chum helped to carry boxes of cheese and firkins of +butter, and a cheese man gave each of us a piece of limberger +cheese, wrapped up in tin foil. Sunday morning I opened my piece, +and it made me tired. O, it was the offulest smell I ever heard of, +except the smell when they found a tramp who hung himself in the +woods on the Whitefish Bay road, and had been dead three weeks. It +was just like an old back number funeral. Pa and Ma were just +getting ready to go to church, and I cut off a piece of cheese and +put it in the inside pocket of Pa’s vest, and I put another +in the lining of Ma’s muff, and they went to church. I went +down to church too, and sat on a back seat with my chum, looking +just as pious as though I was taking up a collection. The church +was pretty warm, and by the time they got up to sing the first hymn +Pa’s cheese began to smell a match against Ma’s cheese. +Pa held one side of the hymn book and Ma held the other, and Pa he +always sings for all that is out, and when he braced himself and +sang ‘Just as I am,’ Ma thought Pa’s voice was +tinctured a little with biliousness, and she looked at him and +hunched him, and told him to stop singing and breathe through his +nose, cause his breath was enough to stop a clock. Pa stopped +singing and turned around kind of cross towards Ma, and then he +smelled Ma’s cheese and he turned his head the other way and +said, ‘whew,’ and they didn’t sing any more, but +they looked at each other as though they smelled frowy. When they +sat down they sat as far apart as they could get, and Pa sat next +to a woman who used to be a nurse in a hospital, and when she +smelled Pa’s cheese she looked at him as though she thought +he had the small pox, and she held her handkerchief to her nose. +The man in the other end of the pew, that Ma sat near, he was a +stranger from Racine, who belongs to our church, and he looked at +Ma sort of queer, and after the minister prayed, and they got up to +sing again, the man took his hat and went out, and when he came by +me he said something in a whisper about a female glue factory.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/045.png"><img src= +"images/045.png" alt="Two men look at a hymnal during church." id= +"img045" name="img045" width="80%" /></a> +<p>“JUST AS I AM.”</p> +</div> +<p>“Well, sir, before the sermon was over everybody in that +part of the church had their handkerchiefs to their noses, and they +looked at Pa and Ma scandalous, and the two ushers they came around +in the pews looking for a dog, and when the minister got over his +sermon, and wiped the prespiration off his face, he said he would +like to have the trustees of the church stay after meeting, as +there was some business of importance to transact. He said the +question of proper ventilation and sewerage for the church would be +brought up, and that he presumed the congregation had noticed this +morning that the church was unusually full of sewer gas. He said he +had spoken of the matter before, and expected it would be attended +to before this. He said he was a meek and humble follower of the +lamb, and was willing to cast his lot wherever the Master decided, +but he would be blessed if he would preach any longer in a church +that smelled like a bone boiling establishment. He said religion +was a good thing, but no person could enjoy religion as well in a +fat rendering establishment as he could in a flower garden, and as +far as he was concerned he had got enough. Everybody looked at +everybody else, and Pa looked at Ma as though he knew where the +sewer gas came from, and Ma looked at Pa real mad, and me and my +chum lit out, and I went home and distributed my cheese all around. +I put a slice in Ma’s bureau drawer, down under her +underclothes, and a piece in the spare room, under the bed, and a +piece in the bath-room in the soap dish, and a slice in the album +on the parlor table, and a piece in the library in a book, and I +went to the dining room and put some under the table, and dropped a +piece under the range in the kitchen. I tell you the house was +loaded for bear. Ma came home from church first, and when I asked +where Pa was, she said she hoped he had gone to walk around the +block to air hisself. Pa came home to dinner and when he got a +smell of the house he opened all the doors, and Ma put a +comfortable around her shoulders, and told Pa he was a disgrace to +civilization. She tried to get Pa to drink some carbolic acid. Pa +finally convinced Ma that it was not him, and then they decided it +was the house that smelled so, as well as the church, and all +Sunday afternoon they went visiting, and this morning Pa went down +to the health office and got the inspector of nuisances to come up +to the house, and when he smelled around a spell he said there was +dead rats in the main sewer pipe, and they sent for plumbers, and +Ma went out to a neighbors to borry some fresh air, and when the +plumbers began to dig up the floor in the basement I came over +here. If they find any of that limberger cheese it will go hard +with me. The hired girls have both quit, and Ma says she is going +to break up keeping house and board. That is just into my hand. I +want to board at a hotel, where you can have a bill-of-fare, and +tooth picks, and billiards, and everything. Well I guess I will go +over to the house and stand in the back door and listen to the +mocking bird. If you see me come flying out of the alley with my +coat tail full of boots you can bet they have discovered the sewer +gas.”</p> +<h3><a id="Mrs_Langtry" name="Mrs_Langtry">MRS. LANGTRY.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>America is to be visited by the most beautiful woman in all +England, Mrs. Langtry. It is said that she is so sweet that when +you look at her you feel caterpillars crawling up the small of your +back, your heart begins to jump like a box car, and a streak of +lightning goes down one trousers leg and up the other, and escapes +up the back of your neck, causing the hair to raise and be filled +with electricity enough to light a circus tent, and that when +looking at her your hands clutch nervously as though you wanted to +grasp something to hold you up, a sense of faintness comes over +you, your eyes roll heavenward, your head falls helpless on your +breast, your left side becomes numb, your liver quits working, your +breath comes hot and heavy, your lips turn livid and tremble, your +teeth chew on imaginary taffy, and you look around imploringly for +somebody to take her away. If all this occurs to a person from +looking at her, it would be sudden death or six months illness, to +shake hands with her. If she comes to Milwaukee, there is one bald +headed man going to the country where they are not so bad. You +bet!</p> +<h3><a id="A_Peck_at_the_Cheese" name="A_Peck_at_the_Cheese">A PECK +AT THE CHEESE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Geo. W. Peck, of the <em>Sun</em>, recently delivered an address +before the Wisconsin State Dairyman’s Association. The +following is an extract from the document:</p> +<p><em>Fellow Cremationists:</em> In calling upon me, on this +occasion, to enlighten you upon a subject that is dear to the +hearts of all Americans, you have got the right man in the right +place. It makes me proud to come to my old home and unfold truths +that have been folded since I can remember. It may be said by +scoffers, and it has been said to-day, in my presence, that I +didn’t know enough to even milk a cow. I deny the allegation; +show me the allegator. If any gentleman present has got a cow here +with him, and I can borrow a clothes-wringer, I will show you +whether I can milk a cow or not. Or, if there is a cheese mine here +handy, I will demonstrate that I can—<em>runnet</em>.</p> +<p>The manufacture of cheese and butter has been among the earliest +industries. Away back in the history of the world, we find Adam and +Eve conveying their milk from the garden of Eden, in a one-horse +wagon to the cool spring cheese factory to be weighed in the +balance. Whatever may be said of Adam and Eve to their discredit in +the marketing of the products of their orchard, it has never been +charged that they stopped at the pump and put water in their milk +cans. Doubtless you will remember how Cain killed his brother Abel +because Abel would not let him do the churning. We can picture Cain +and Abel driving mooly cows up to the house from the pasture in the +southeast corner of the garden, and Adam standing at the bars with +a tin pail and a three-legged stool, smoking a meerschaum pipe and +singing “Hold the fort for I am coming through the +rye,” while Eve sat on the verandah altering over her last +year’s polonaise, and winking at the devil who stood behind +the milk house singing, “I want to be an angel.” After +he got through milking he came up and saw Eve blushing, and he +said, “Madame, cheese it,” and she chose it.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/050.png"><img src= +"images/050.png" alt= +"A smiling, smoking fellow in a top hat holds a pail and leans on a farm fence." +id="img050" name="img050" width="80%" /></a> +<p>A SCENE IN PARADISE.</p> +</div> +<p>But to come down to the present day, we find that cheese has +become one of the most important branches of manufacture. It is +next in importance to the silver interest. And, fellow +cheese-mongers, you are doing yourselves great injustice that you +do not petition congress to pass a bill to remonetize cheese. There +is more cheese raised in this country than there is silver, and it +is more valuable. Suppose you had not eaten a mouthful in thirty +days, and you should have placed on the table before you ten +dollars stamped out of silver bullion on one plate and nine dollars +stamped from cheese bullion on another plate. Which would you take +first? Though the face value of the nine cheese dollars would be +ten per cent below the face value of ten silver dollars, you would +take the cheese. You could use it to better advantage in your +business. Hence I say cheese is more valuable than silver, and it +should be made legal tender for all debts, public and private, +except pew rent. I may be in advance of other eminent financiers, +who have studied the currency question, but I want to see the time +come, and I trust the day is not far distant, when 412½ +grains of cheese will be equal to a dollar in codfish, and when the +merry jingle of slices of cheese shall be heard in every +pocket.</p> +<p>Then every cheese factory can make its own coin, money will be +plenty, everybody will be happy, and there never will be any more +war. It may be asked how this currency can be redeemed? I would +have an incontrovertible bond, made of Limburger cheese, which is +stronger and more durable. When this is done you can tell the rich +from the poor man by the smell of his money. Now-a-days many of us +do not even get a smell of money, but in the good days which are +coming the gentle zephyr will waft to us the able-bodied Limburger, +and we shall know that money is plenty.</p> +<p>The manufacture of cheese is a business that a poor man can +engage in, as well as a rich man, I say it without fear of +successful contradiction, and say it boldly, that a poor man with, +say 200 cows, if he thoroughly understands his business, can market +more cheese than a rich man with 300 oxen. This is susceptible of +demonstration. If any boy showed a desire to become a statesman, I +would say to him, “Young man, get married, buy a mooly cow, +go to Sheboygan county, and start a cheese factory.”</p> +<p>Speaking of cows, did it ever occur to you, gentlemen, what a +saving it would be to you if you should adopt mooley cows instead +of horned cattle? It takes at least three tons of hay and a large +quantity of ground feed annually to keep a pair of horns fat, and +what earthly use are they? Statistics show that there are annually +killed 45,000 grangers by cattle with horns. You pass laws to +muzzle dogs, because one in ten thousand goes mad, and yet more +people are killed by cattle horns than by dogs. What the country +needs is more mooley cows.</p> +<p>Now that I am on the subject, it may be asked what is the best +paying breed for the dairy. My opinion is divided between the south +down and the cochin china. Some like one the best and some the +other, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death.</p> +<p>There are many reforms that should be inaugurated in the +manufacture of cheese. Why should cheese be made round? I am +inclined to the belief that the making of cheese round is a +superstition. Who had not rather buy a good square piece of cheese, +than a wedge-shaped chunk, all rind at one end, and as thin as a +Congressman’s excuse for voting back pay at the other? Make +your cheese square and the consumer will rise up and call you +another.</p> +<p>Another reform that might be inaugurated would be to veneer the +cheese with building paper or clapboards, instead of the +time-honored piece of towel. I never saw cheese cut that I +didn’t think that the cloth around it had seen service as a +bandage on some other patient. But I may have been wrong. Another +thing that does not seem to be right, is to see so many holes in +cheese. It seems to me that solid cheese, one made by one of the +old masters, with no holes in it—I do not accuse you of +cheating, but don’t you feel a little ashamed when you see a +cheese cut, and the holes are the biggest part of it? The little +cells may be handy for the skipper, but the consumer feels the +fraud in his innermost soul.</p> +<p>Among the improvements made in the manufacture of cheese I must +not forget that of late years the cheese does not resemble the +grindstone as much as it did years ago. The time has been when, if +the farmer could not find his grindstone, all he had to do was to +mortise a hole in the middle of a cheese, and turn it and grind his +scythe. Before the invention of nitro-glycerine, it was a good +day’s work to hew off cheese enough for a meal. Time has +worked wonders in cheese.</p> +<h3><a id="Selling_Clams" name="Selling_Clams">SELLING +CLAMS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>At the concert Wednesday night, the last piece sung was a trio, +by Marie Rose, Brignoli, and Carleton. The men stood on each side +of the girl and began to jaw at her. It was in some other language, +and we could only understand by the motion of their mouths and +their actions. It seemed as though the men were trying to sell +clams to her. First Brignoli began to whoop it up, and describe the +clams he had to sell, and tried to get her to invest. He yelled at +her, and seemed really put out, and she was as spunky as any girl +we ever saw. When Brignoli got out of breath, Carleton began to +tell her that Brig had been lying to her, that his clams were made +of India rubber, and that she could never digest them in the wide +world, and he wound up by telling her that she could have his clams +at ten per cent discount for cash. By this time she was about as +mad as she could be, and she pitched into both of them, looking +cross, and sung like blazes, went away up the musical ladder to +zero, and wound up by telling them both, to their face, that she +would see them in Chicago before she would buy a condemned clam. +And then they all went off the stage as though they had been having +a regular fight, and Brignoli acted as though he would like to eat +her raw. That’s the way it seemed to us, but we are no +musician.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Goes_Skating" name="His_Pa_Goes_Skating">HIS PA +GOES SKATING.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“What is that stuff on your shirt bosom, that looks like +soap grease?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came +into the grocery the morning after Christmas.</p> +<p>The boy looked at his shirt front, put his finger on the stuff +and smelled of his fingers, and then said, “O, that is +nothing but a little of the turkey dressing and gravy. You see +after Pa and I got back from the roller skating rink yesterday, Pa +was all broke up and he couldn’t carve the turkey, and I had +to do it, and Pa sat in a stuffed chair with his head tied up, and +a pillow amongst his legs, and he kept complaining that I +didn’t do it right. Gol darn a turkey any way. I should think +they would make a turkey flat on the back, so he would lay on a +greasy platter without skating all around the table. It looks easy +to see Pa carve a turkey, but when I speared into the bosom of that +turkey, and began to saw on it, the turkey rolled around as though +it was on castors, and it was all I could do to keep it out of +Ma’s lap. But I rasseled with it till I got off enough white +meat for Pa and Ma and dark meat enough for me, and I dug out the +dressing, but most of it flew into my shirt bosom, cause the string +that tied up the place where the dressing was concealed about the +person of the turkey, broke prematurely, and one oyster hit Pa in +the eye, and he said I was as awkward as a cross-eyed girl trying +to kiss a man with a hair lip. If I ever get to be the head of a +family I shall carve turkeys with a corn sheller.</p> +<p>“But what broke your Pa up at the roller skating +rink?” asked the grocery man.</p> +<p>“O, everything broke him up. He is split up so Ma buttons +the top of his pants to his collar button, like a bicycle rider. +Well, he had no business to have told me and my chum that he used +to be the best skater in North America, when he was a boy. He said +he skated once from Albany to New York in an hour and eighty +minutes. Me and my chum thought if Pa was such a terror on skates +we would get him to put on a pair of roller skates and enter him as +the ‘great unknown,’ and clean out the whole gang. We +told Pa that he must remember that roller skates were different +from ice skates, and that maybe he couldn’t skate on them, +but he said it didn’t make any difference what they were as +long as they were skates, and he would just paralyze the whole +crowd. So we got a pair of big roller skates for him, and while we +were strapping them on, Pa looked at the skaters glide around on +the smooth wax floor just as though they were greased. Pa looked at +the skates on his feet, after they were fastened, sort of forlorn +like, the way a horse thief does when they put shackles on his +legs, and I told him if he was afraid he couldn’t skate with +them we would take them off, but he said he would beat anybody +there was there, or bust a suspender. Then we straightened Pa up, +and pointed him towards the middle of the room, and he said, +‘leggo,’ and we just give him a little push to start +him, and he began to go. Well, by gosh, you’d a dide to have +seen Pa try to stop. You see, you can’t stick in your heel +and stop, like you can on ice skates, and Pa soon found that out, +and he began to turn sideways, and then he threw his arms and +walked on his heels, and he lost his hat, and his eyes began to +stick out, cause he was going right towards an iron post. One arm +caught the post and he circled around it a few times, and then he +let go and began to fall, and, sir, he kept falling all across the +room, and everybody got out of the way, except a girl, and Pa +grabbed her by the polonaise, like a drowning man grabs at straws, +though there wasn’t any straws in her polonaise as I know of, +but Pa just pulled her along as though she was done up in a +shawl-strap, and his feet went out from under him and he struck on +his shoulders and kept a going, with the girl dragging along like a +bundle of clothes. If Pa had had another pair of roller skates on +his shoulders, and castors on his ears, he couldn’t have slid +along any better. Pa is a short, big man, and as he was rolling +along on his back, he looked like a sofa with castors on being +pushed across a room by a girl. Finally Pa came to the wall and had +to stop, and the girl fell right across him, with her roller skates +in his neck, and she called him an old brute, and told him if he +didn’t let go of her polonaise she would murder him. Just +then my chum and me got there and we amputated Pa from the girl, +and lifted him up, and told him for heaven’s sake to let us +take off the skates, cause he couldn’t skate any more than a +cow, and Pa was mad and said for us to ‘let him alone,’ +and he could skate all right, and we let go and he struck out +again. Well, sir, I was ashamed. An old man like Pa ought to knonv +better than to try to be a boy. This last time Pa said he was going +to spread himself, and if I am any judge of a big spread, he did +spread himself. Some how the skates had got turned around side-ways +on his feet, and his feet got to going in different directions, and +Pa’s feet were getting so far apart that I was afraid I would +have two Pa’s, half the size, with one leg apiece.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/057.png"><img src= +"images/057.png" alt= +"A man grabs a woman's clothing as he falls while ice skating." id= +"img057" name="img057" width="80%" /></a> +<p>“PA GRABBED HER BY THE POLONAISE.”</p> +</div> +<p>“I tried to get him to take up a collection of his legs, +and get them in the same ward but his arm flew around and hit me on +the nose, and I thought if he wanted to strike the best friend he +had, he could run his old legs his self. When he began to separate +I could hear the bones crack, but maybe it was his pants, but +anyway he came down on the floor like one of these fellows in a +circus who spreads hisself, and he kept agoing and finally he +surrounded an iron post with his legs, and stopped and looked pale, +and the proprietor of the rink told Pa if he wanted to give a +flying trapeze performance he would have to go to the gymnasium, +and he couldn’t skate on his shoulders any more, cause other +skaters were afraid of him. Then Pa said he would kick the liver +out of the proprietor of the rink, and he got up and steaded +himself, and then he tried to kick the man, but both heels went up +to wonct, and Pa turned a back summersault and struck right on his +vest in front. I guess it knocked the breath out of him, for he +didn’t speak for a few minutes, and then he wanted to go +home, and we put him in a street car, and he laid down on the hay +and rode home. O, the work we had to get Pa’s clothes off. He +had cricks in his back, and everywhere, and Ma was away to one of +the neighbors, to look at the presents, and I had to put liniment +on Pa, and I made a mistake and got a bottle of furniture polish, +and put it on Pa and rubbed it in, and when Ma came home, Pa +smelled like a coffin at a charity funeral, and Ma said there was +no way of getting that varnish off of Pa till it wore off: Pa says +holidays are a condemned nuisance anyway. He will have to stay in +the house all this week.</p> +<p>“You are pretty rough on the old man,” said the +grocery man, “after he has been so kind to you and given you +nice presents.”</p> +<p>“Nice presents nothin. All I got was a ‘Come to +Jesus’ Christmas card, with brindle fringe, from Ma, and Pa +gave me a pair of his old suspenders, and a calender with mottoes +for every month, some quotations from scripture, such as +‘honor thy father and mother,’ and ‘evil +communications corrupt two in the bush,’ and a bird in the +hand beats two pair.’ Such things don’t help a boy to +be good. What a boy wants is club skates, and seven shot revolvers, +and such things. Well, I must go and help Pa roll over in bed, and +put on a new porous plaster. Good bye.”</p> +<h3><a id="Try_to_Save_Two_Shillings" name= +"Try_to_Save_Two_Shillings">TRYING TO SAVE TWO SHILLINGS.</a></h3> +<!-- Transcriber's note: this is the way it is in the book (Try vs. Trying) --> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>No person ever wants to tell us again how to save two shillings. +When we started for Chippewa Falls, to attend the celebration, we +only had a few hundred dollars along, and we felt like saving all +that was possible. Just before arriving at Sparta, where we were to +take supper, Dan McDonald got to telling about how to save +twenty-five cents on meals at these eating houses, when traveling. +He said that all you had to do when you come out from supper was to +look like a bummer, or “traveling man,” hand the +door-keeper fifty cents and wink twice with the left eye, and he +would pass you right out, as though you had paid seventy-five +cents. If you handed out a dollar bill, and he only gave you back +twenty-five cents, you only had to hold out your hand and wink a +couple of times, and the man would give you the other quarter. Dan +said he always did that way, and he had saved hundreds of dollars. +He said these bummers only paid fifty cents a meal, and there was +no use of anybody else paying more, if they had cheek enough to +play it on the landlord.</p> +<div class="figright"><a href="images/061.png"><img src= +"images/061.png" alt= +"Two men gesture at each other by a sign marked 'Pay Here'" id= +"img061" name="img061" width="100%" /></a> +<p>“OH, THAT WILL BE ALL RIGHT!”</p> +</div> +<p>We never had anything strike us any more reasonable than the +statement of Mr. McDonald, and we determined to try it. To a man +who was traveling a good deal lecturing, a saving of twenty-five +cents a meal was worth looking into, and we made up our mind to +begin to economize that very night. The train stopped and we walked +across the platform as near like a bummer as possible. With our hat +on one side, we threw a cigar stub into the parlor window, said +“Hello, old tapeworm,” to the landlord in a familiar +sort of way, chucked our hat into a chair; rushed into the +dining-room, took a seat at the head of the table, and told a girl +to cart out all she had got. The landlord looked at us as though he +thought we were one of Field, Leiter & Co.’s bummers, his +good wife looked frightened, as though she feared we would kick a +leg off the table and spill things. However, there is no use of +describing the meal, and how we went through brook trout and +strawberry shortcake, and things. We couldn’t help feeling +sorry for the man that was destined to furnish all that for fifty +cents. Finally we went out. We felt a sort of palpitation of the +heart when we approached the hungry-looking man at the door, taking +the money. He looked as though he was a sick orphan trying to save +money enough to get to a water cure. Picking our teeth with our +finger, like a Chicago bummer, and pulling our handkerchief out of +our pistol pocket and blowing our nose like a thirty-two pounder, +just as we had heard a Chicago fellow do, we handed the man fifty +cents, winked a couple of times and started to go by. The tobacco +sign standing there said, “twenty-five cents more, +please.” We looked at him, winked, and said, “O, that +will be all right.” “Two shillings more, my +friend,” said the summer resort. We winked some more, and +punched him in the ribs with our thumb, and said, “O, now, +old tapeworm, don’t try to play it on us boys.” And we +laughed a sickly sort of laugh. The fact of it was, we began to +have doubts about the thing working, and had a suspicion that the +twinkle in Dan McDonald’s eye meant that he had been playing +it on us. The landlord said he should have to have two shillings +more, and that we were blocking up the thoroughfare, and we fumbled +around and found it and paid him, and went out, probably the most +disgusted excursionist that ever was. Dan, who had watched the +whole business, slapped us on the shoulder, and said, “How +did it work?” Though not particularly hungry, we could have +eaten him raw. When we go east now, we take a lunch along, and when +the other passengers are in to supper, we sit on the woodpile at +Sparta, eat our lunch and gaze at the fountains, talk with the +brakemen, and wonder if the landlord would know us if we should go +in and take a toothpick off the counter. Not any more bummer for +us, and no man must ever tell us how to save two shillings on a +meal.</p> +<h3><a id="How_to_Reach_Young_Men" name= +"How_to_Reach_Young_Men">HOW TO REACH YOUNG MEN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“How to reach young men,” was the topic at the young +men’s prayer meeting on Thursday. An old gentleman on the +East Side who broke a toe nail by kicking the gate post just as the +young man went down the sidewalk, would also like to know. Bait +your hook with a mighty good looking girl that wears a sealskin +cloak, and you can reach the young men.</p> +<h3><a id="Crushing_Nihilism" name="Crushing_Nihilism">CRUSHING +NIHILISM.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The Russian government is making an average of four thousand +arrests a day of persons charged with nihilism. At this rate it is +only a question of time when the last of the conspirators will be +in prison, and the emperor can walk out without fear of +assassination from his wife and children, as these will probably be +all the people that will be left.</p> +<h3><a id="Woman-Dozing_a_Democrat" name= +"Woman-Dozing_a_Democrat">WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A fearful tale conies to us from Columbus. A party of prominent +citizens of that place took a trip to the Dells of Wisconsin one +day last week. It was composed of ladies and gentlemen of both +political parties, and it was hoped that nothing would occur to mar +the pleasure of the excursion.</p> +<p>When the party visited the Dells, Mr. Chapin, a lawyer of +Democratic proclivities, went out upon a rock overhanging a +precipice, or words to that effect, and he became so absorbed in +the beauty of the scene that he did not notice a Republican lady +who left the throng and waltzed softly up behind him. She had blood +in her eye and gum in her mouth, and she grasped the lawyer, who is +a weak man, by the arms, and hissed in his ear</p> +<p>“Hurrah for Garfield, or I will plunge you headlong into +the yawning gulf below!”</p> +<p>It was a trying moment. Chapin rather enjoyed being held by a +woman, but not in such a position that, if she let go her hold to +spit on her hands, he would go a hundred feet down, and become as +flat as the Greenback party, and have to be carried home in a +basket.</p> +<p>In a second he thought over all the sins of his past life, which +was pretty quick work, as anybody will admit who knows the man. He +thought of how he would be looked down upon by Gabe Bouck, and all +the fellows, if it once got out that he had been frightened into +going back on his party.</p> +<p>He made up his mind that he would die before he would hurrah for +Garfield, but when the merciless woman pushed him towards the edge +of the rock, and, “Last call! Yell, or down you go!” he +opened his mouth and yelled so they heard it in Kilbourn City:</p> +<p>“Hurrah for Garfield! Now lemme go!”</p> +<p>Though endowed with more than ordinary eloquence, no remarks +that he had ever made before brought the applause that this did. +Everybody yelled, and the woman smiled as pleasantly as though she +had not crushed the young life out of her victim, and left him a +bleeding sacrifice on the altar of his country, but when she had +realized what she had done her heart smote her, and she felt +bad.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/064.png"><img src= +"images/064.png" alt="A woman pushes a man from a cliff." id= +"img064" name="img064" width="100%" /></a> +<p>“YELL, OR GO DOWN!”</p> +</div> +<p>Chapin will never be himself again. From that moment his proud +spirit was broken, and all during the picnic he seemed to have lost +his cud. He leaned listlessly against a tree, pale as death, and +fanned himself with a skimmer. When the party had spread the lunch +on the ground and gathered around, sitting on the ant-hills, he sat +down with them mechanically, but his appetite was gone, and when +that is gone there is not enough of him left for a quorum.</p> +<p>Friends rallied around him, passed the pickles, and drove the +antmires out of a sandwich, and handed it to him on a piece of +shingle, but he either passed or turned it down. He said he +couldn’t take a trick. Later on, when the lemonade was +brought on, the flies were skimmed off of some of it, and a little +colored water was put in to make it look inviting, but his eyes +were sot. He said they couldn’t fool him. After what had +occurred, he didn’t feel as though any Democrat was safe. He +expected to be poisoned on account of his politics, and all he +asked was to live to get home.</p> +<p>Nothing was left undone to rally him, and cause him to forget +the fearful scene through which he had passed. Only once did he +partially come to himself, and show an interest in worldly affairs, +and that was when it was found that he had sat down on some +raspberry jam with his white pants on. When told of it, he smiled a +ghastly smile, and said they were all welcome to his share of the +jam.</p> +<p>They tried to interest him in conversation by drawing war maps +with three-tined folks on the jam, but he never showed that he knew +what they were about until Mr. Moak, of Watertown, took a brush, +made of cauliflower preserved in mustard, and shaded the lines of +the war map on Mr. Chapin’s trousers, which Mr. Butterfield +had drawn in the jam. Then his artistic eye took in the incongruity +of the colors, and he gasped for breath, and said:</p> +<p>“Moak, that is played out. People will notice +it.”</p> +<p>But he relapsed again into semi-unconsciousness, and never spoke +again, not a great deal, till he got home.</p> +<p>He has ordered that there be no more borrowing of sugar and +drawings of tea back and forth between his house and that of the +lady who broke his heart, and be has announced that he will go +without saurkraut all winter rather than borrow a machine for +cutting cabbage of a woman that would destroy the political +prospects of a man who had never done a wrong in his life.</p> +<p>He has written to the chairman of the Democratic State Central +Committee to suspend judgment on his case, until he can explain how +it happened that a dyed-in-the-wood Democrat hurrahed for +Garfield.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Wrong_Corpse" name="The_Wrong_Corpse">THE WRONG +CORPSE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A corpse got a good joke on the people of Quebec the other day. +It came there by express, and was only an ordinary, every-day man, +but the Kanucks were looking for a military corpse, and supposing +our ordinary corpse to be he, they got up a Fifth avenue funeral, +and buried it with military honors. The corpse, who didn’t +know a thing about military matters, must have many a good laugh +over the mistake. And how the military corpse must have felt, when +HE came!</p> +<h3><a id="The_Day_We_Reached_Canada" name= +"The_Day_We_Reached_Canada">THE DAY WE REACHED CANADA.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>D.H. Pulcifer, of Shawano, announces that he is about to prepare +a biography of all the members of the territorial legislature and +subsequent legislatures, state officers, members of congress, etc., +and desires all men who may have been great or may be so now, to +send in the particulars. Well, you can get our record at the +adjutant general’s office, though there is one mistake in +that record. It was in June, 1862 that we arrived in Canada, the +day before the draft.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Lively_Train_Load" name="A_Lively_Train_Load">A LIVELY +TRAIN LOAD.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Last week a train load of insane persons were removed from the +Oshkosh Asylum to the Madison Asylum. As the train was standing on +the sidetrack at Watertown Junction it created considerable +curiosity. People who have ever passed Watertown Junction have +noticed the fine old gentleman who comes into the car with a large +square basket, peddling popcorn. He is one of the most innocent and +confiding men in the world. He is honest, and he believes that +everybody else is honest.</p> +<p>He came up to the depot with his basket, and seeing the train he +asked Pierce, the landlord there, what train it was. Pierce, who is +a most diabolical person, told the old gentleman that it was a load +of members of the legislature and female lobbyists going to +Madison. With that beautiful confidence which the pop corn man has +in all persons, he believed the story, and went into the car to +sell pop corn.</p> +<p>Stopping at the first seat, where a middle-aged lady was sitting +alone, the pop corn man passed out his basket and said, +“fresh pop corn.” The lady took her foot down off the +stove, looked at the man a moment with eyes glaring and wild, and +said, “It is—no, it cannot be—and yet it +<em>is</em> me long lost Duke of Oshkosh,” and she grabbed +the old man by the necktie with one hand and pulled him down into +the seat, and began to mow away corn into her mouth. The pop corn +man blushed, looked at the rest of the passengers to see if they +were looking, and said, as he replaced the necktie knot from under +his left ear and pushed his collar down, “Madame, you are +mistaken. I never have been a duke in Oshkosh. I live here at the +Junction.” The woman looked at him as though she doubted his +statement, but let him go.</p> +<p>He proceeded to the next seat, when a serious looking man rose +up and bowed; the pop corn man also bowed and smiled as though he +might have met him before. Taking a paper of popcorn and putting it +in his coat tail pocket, the serious man said, “I was +honestly elected President of the United States in 1876, but was +counted out by the vilest conspiracy that ever was concocted on +earth, and I believe you are one of the conspirators,” and he +spit on his hands and looked the pop corn man in the eye. The pop +corn man said he never took any active part in politics, and had +nothing to do with that Hayes business at all. Then the serious man +sat down and began eating the pop corn, while two women on the +other side of the car helped themselves to the corn in the +basket.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/068.png"><img src= +"images/068.png" alt="A woman pulls a man towards her." id="img068" +name="img068" width="100%" /></a> +<p>ME LONG LOST DUKE.</p> +</div> +<p>The pop corn man held out his hand for the money, when a man two +seats back came forward and shook hands with him, saying: +“They told me you would not come, but you have come, Daniel, +and now we will fight it out. I will take this razor, and you can +arm yourself at your leisure.” The man reached into an inside +pocket of his coat, evidently for a razor, when the pop corn man +started for the door, his eyes sticking out two inches. Every +person he passed took a paper of pop corn, one man grabbed his coat +and tore one tail off, another took his basket away and as he +rushed out on the platform the basket was thrown at his head, and a +female voice said, “I will be ready when the carriage calls +at 8.”</p> +<p>As the old gentleman struck the platform and began to arrange +his toilet he met Fitzgerald, the conductor, who asked him what was +the matter. He said Pierce told him that crowd was going to the +legislature, “but,” says he, as he picked some pieces +of paper collar out of the back of his neck, “if those people +are not delegates to a Democratic convention, then I have been +peddling pop corn on this road ten years for nothing, and +don’t know my business.” Fitz told him they were +patients going to the Insane Asylum.</p> +<p>The old man thought it over a moment, and then he picked up a +coupling pin and went looking for Pierce. He says he will kill him. +Pierce has not been out of the house since. This Pierce is the same +man that lent us a runaway horse once.</p> +<h3><a id="Cats_on_the_Fence" name="Cats_on_the_Fence">CATS ON THE +FENCE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Some idiot has invented a “cat teaser” to put on +fences to keep cats from sitting there and singing. It consists of +a three-cornered piece of tin, nailed on the top of the fence. We +hope none of our friends will invest in the patent, for statistics +show that while cats very often sit on fences to meditate, yet when +they get it all mediated and get ready to sing a duet, they get +down off the fence and get under a currant bush. We challenge any +cat scientist to disprove the assertion.</p> +<h3><a id="How_Sharper_Than_a_Hounds_Tooth" name= +"How_Sharper_Than_a_Hounds_Tooth">HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND’S +TOOTH.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Years ago we swore on a stack of red chips that we would never +own another dog. Six promising pups that had been presented to us, +blooded setters and pointers, had gone the way of all dog flesh, +with the distemper and dog buttons, and by falling in the cistern, +and we had been bereaved <em>via</em> dog misfortunes as often as +John R. Bennett, of Janesville, has been bereaved on the nomination +for attorney general. We could not look a pup in the face but it +would get sick, and so we concluded never again to own a dog.</p> +<p>The vow has been religiously kept since. Men have promised us +thousands of pups, but we have never taken them. One conductor has +promised us at least seventy-five pups, but he has always failed to +get us to take one. Dog lovers have set up nights to devise a way +to induce us to accept a dog. We held out firmly till last week. +One day we met Pierce, the Watertown Junction hotel man, and he +told us that he had a greyhound pup that was the finest bread +dog—we think he said bread dog, though it might have been +sausage dog he said—anyway he told us it was blooded, and +that when it grew up to be a man—that is, figuratively +speaking—when it grew up to be a dog full size, it would be +the handsomest canine in the Northwest.</p> +<p>We kicked on it, entirely, at first, but when he told us +hundreds of men who had seen the pup had offered him thousands of +dollars for it, but that he had rather give it to a friend than +sell it to a stranger, we weakened, and told him to send it in.</p> +<p>Well—(excuse us while we go into a corner and mutter a +silent remark)—it came in on the train Monday, and was taken +to the barn. It is the confoundedest looking dog that a white man +ever set eyes on. It is about the color of putty, and about seven +feet long, though it is only six months old. The tail is longer +than a whip lash, and when you speak sassy to that dog, the tail +will begin to curl around under him, amongst his legs, double +around over his neck and back over where the tail originally was +hitched to the dog, and then there is tail enough left for four +ordinary dogs.</p> +<p>If that tail was cut up into ordinary tails, such as common dogs +wear, there would be enough for all the dogs in the Seventh Ward, +with enough left for a white wire clothes line. When he lays down +his tail curls up like a coil of telephone wire, and if you take +hold of it and wring you can hear the dog at the central office. If +that dog is as long in proportion, when he gets his growth, and his +tail grows as much as his body, the dog will reach from here to the +Soldier’s home.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/071.png"><img src= +"images/071.png" alt="A dog with an extremely long tail." id= +"img071" name="img071" width="100%" /></a> +<p>‘THEREBY HANGS A TAIL’.</p> +</div> +<p>His head is about as big as a graham gem, and runs down to a +point no bigger than a cambric needle, while his ears are about as +big as a thumb to a glove, and they hang down as though the dog +didn’t want to hear anything. How a head of that kind can +contain brains enough to cause a dog to know enough to go in when +it rains is a mystery. But he seems to be intelligent.</p> +<p>If a man comes along on the sidewalk, the dog will follow him +off, follow him until he meets another man, and then he follows +<em>him</em> till he meets another, and so on until he has followed +the entire population. He is not an aristocratic dog, but will +follow one person just as soon as another, and to see him going +along the street, with his tail coiled up, apparently oblivious to +every human sentiment, it is touching.</p> +<p>His legs are about the size of pipe stems, and his feet are as +big as a base ball base. He wanders around, following a boy, then a +middle aged man, then a little girl, then an old man, and finally, +about meal time, the last person he follows seems to go by the barn +and the dog wanders in and looks for a buffalo robe or a harness +tug to chew. It does not cost anything to keep him, as he has only +eaten one trotting harness and one fox skin robe since Monday, +though it may not be right to judge of his appetite, as he may be a +little off his feed.</p> +<p>Pierce said he would be a nice dog to run with a horse, or under +a carriage. Why, bless you, he won’t go within twenty feet of +a horse, and a horse would run away to look at him; besides, he +gets right under a carriage wheel, and when the wheel runs over him +he complains, and sings Pinafore.</p> +<p>What under the sun that dog is ever going to be good for is more +than we know. He is too lean and bony for sausage. A piece of that +dog as big as your finger in a sausage would ruin a butcher. It +would be a dead give away. He looks as though he might point game, +if the game was brought to his attention, but he would be just as +liable to point a cow. He might do to stuff and place in a front +yard to frighten burglars. If a burglar wouldn’t be +frightened at that dog nothing would scare him.</p> +<p>Anyway, now we have got him, we will bring him up, though it +seems as though he would resemble a truss bridge or a refrigerator +car, as much as a dog, when he gets his growth. For fear he will +fall off a wagon track we tie a knot in his tail.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Safe_Investment" name="A_Safe_Investment">A SAFE +INVESTMENT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Up to the present time the <em>Sun</em> has struggled along from +infancy to middle age without a safe in its office. It has never +needed one. It does not need one now, but custom has to do with +these things. The associations that surround one, go far towards +making these changes. When we look at the immense safes in the +office of out neighbor, filled with bonds and mortgages, we feel +that a safe will look well. So we purchased a sort of an iron +range, with a nickle plated knob, and a lock with as many figures +on it as a tax list or a lottery advertisement, and placed it where +it will strike the visitor on his first entrance. Ah, what an +imposing affair it is! As we lean back in a chair and 1ook at it, +and close our eyes, we can see millions in it, in our mind. It is a +cross between Alex. Mitchell’s safe and a child’s bank. +It is not full, but it has evidently been taking something. It is a +grand feeling to walk along the streets and feel that your head +contains the secret which opens the safe. No one but yourself and +your maker, and the maker of the safe knows the three numbers which +will cause it to open. The numbers are safe with you, and the All +Seeing Eye you have confidence will not give it away, so that the +only show a burglar has is to get solid with the maker of the +safe.</p> +<p>What a piece of mechanism is the lock of a safe! The man we +bought it of gave us the programme that opens it. You go to the +dial turn the knob, put your finger by your nose and wink. If you +leave out the wink, the safe will not open, but we never leave out +the wink. The trouble is, if there is a lady customer in with a +bill, and we go to open the safe, we wink too many times and have +to go all over it again. Then we place the numbers in their order, +4-11-44, and when the “four” is exactly opposite the +dipthong, we turn the knob back three revolutions, light a cigar, +and walk three times around the room. That is to give the mechanism +in the Inside time to coalesce. Then we put the +“eleven” in its place, turn the knob forward one +revolution, and put on our hat and go out and take a drink. That is +in the programme, and we sometimes think the inventor of the lock +is interested in a brewery. Then we come back, wipe our mustache on +the tail of a linen coat, place the figures “44” +directly over the pointer, whistle “There’s a land that +is fairer than this,” place the right foot forward, then turn +the knob, the door swings on its hinges, and the untold wealth of +the Indies lies before us, in our alleged mind.</p> +<p>O, safe, are you honest? Are you true to us? You look pure and +chaste, and your new overskirt of varnish, and your puffed ruching +of gold and blue sets you off to good advantage, but you may not be +impregnable. You have always gone in good society, and no scandal +has ever been attached to your name. Your purity and innocence has +been remarked by all who have met you, and there are none who would +dare to intimate but that you would maintain your reputation +against any attack, but sometimes we think we should hesitate to +leave you all alone, with the light turned down all night and over +Sunday, in the company of an eloquent, persuasive, good-looking +burglar armed with a jimmy, and we fear that his warm hearted can +of powder would strike a responsive chord in your impulsive nature, +and that you would yield up the jewels confined to you, and your +honor, your reputation, your standing among safes would be forever +ruined. And yet we may be wrong.</p> +<p>But what would it profit a burglar to gain the whole contents +and wear out his soles. If he got in that safe, he would find a +package of bills that we tried for a year to collect, and we would +give him the bills if he asked for them, and he could save his +powder. He would find one bill of sixteen dollars, with an +indorsement that one dollar is paid, after thirteen dollars worth +of shoe leather had been worn out. And yet the burglar would have a +soft thing on cigars with that bill, for every time he visited the +doctor he would tell him when to come again, and give him a cigar. +Another thing the burglar would find would be a protested draft +from a great Philadelphia patent medicine advertiser. The burglar +could take a tie pass that is in the safe, and walk to +Philadelphia, and trade out the twenty-five dollar draft by taking +buchu on account.</p> +<p>But no burglar that has any respect for himself, we feel sure, +will ever do us the injury to scrape the paint off of that +safe.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Fashion_Item" name="A_Fashion_Item">A FASHION +ITEM.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A fashion item says, “The drawers this year are made very +short, and some have lace ruffles.” Some fashion reporter has +evidently been looking over our back fence at the clothes line. But +they got awfully fooled. The shortness of those drawers was caused +by the flannel shrinking and the “lace ruffles” the +reporter noticed is where a calf chewed them when they were hanging +out to dry last fall on Black Hawk Island, when a gun kicked us out +of a boat. Some of these fashion reporters think they are +smart.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Lecturer_Should_Know_What_He_Talks_About" name= +"A_Lecturer_Should_Know_What_He_Talks_About">A LECTURER SHOULD KNOW +WHAT HE TALKS ABOUT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A man down east is lecturing on “Hell, Ingersoll, and +Whisky.” If the lecturer is at all familiar with his +subjects, we wouldn’t believe him under oath.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Goes_Calling" name="His_Pa_Goes_Calling">HIS PA +GOES CALLING.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“Say, you are getting too alfired smart,” said the +grocery man to the bad boy as he pushed him into a corner by the +molasses barrel, and took him by the neck and choked him so his +eyes stuck out. “You have driven away several of my best +customers, and now, confound you, I am going to have your +life,” and he took up a cheese knife and began to sharpen it +on his boot.</p> +<p>“What’s the—gurgle—matter?” asked +the choking boy, as the grocery man’s finger let up on his +throat a little, so he could speak. “I haint done +nothing.”</p> +<p>“Didn’t you hang up that gray torn cat by the heels, +in front of my store, with the rabbits I had for sale? I +didn’t notice it until the minister called me out in front of +the store, and pointing to the rabbits, asked what good fat cats +were selling for. By crimus, this thing has got to stop. You have +got to move out of this ward or I will.”</p> +<p>The boy got his breath and said it wasn’t him that put the +cat up there. He said it was the policeman, and he and his chum saw +him do it, and he just come in to tell the grocery man about it, +and before he could speak he had his neck nearly pulled off. The +boy began to cry, and the grocery man said he was only joking, and +gave him a box of sardines, and they made up. Then he asked the boy +how his Pa put in his New Years, and the boy sighed and said:</p> +<p>“We had a sad time at our house New Years. Pa insisted on +making calls, and Ma and me tried to prevent it, but he said he was +of age, and guessed he could make calls if he wanted to, so he +looked at the morning paper and got the names of all the places +where they were going to receive, and he turned his paper collar, +and changed ends with his cuffs, and put some arnica on his +handkerchief, and started out. Ma told him not to drink anything, +and he said he wouldn’t, but he did. He was full the third +place he went to. O, so full. Some men can get full and not show +it, but when Pa gets full, he gets so full his back teeth float, +and the liquor crowds his eyes out, and his mouth gets loose and +wiggles all over his face, and he laughs all the time, and the +perspiration just oozes out of him, and his face gets red, and he +walks so wide. O, he disgraced us all. At one place he wished the +hired girl ‘a happy new year’ more than twenty times, +and hung his hat on her elbow, and tried to put on a rubber hall +mat for his over shoes. At another place he walked up a +lady’s train, and carried away a card basket full of bananas +and oranges. Ma wanted my chum and me to follow Pa and bring him +home, and about dark we found him in the door yard of a house where +they have statues in front of the house, and he grabbed me by the +arm, and mistook me for another caller, and insisted on introducing +me to a marble statue without any clothes on. He said it was a +friend of his, and it was a winter picnic. He hung his hat on an +evergreen, and put his overcoat on the iron fence, and I was so +mortified I almost cried. My chum said if his Pa made such a circus +of himself he would sand bag him. That gave me an idea, and when we +got Pa most home I went and got a paper box covered with red paper, +so it looked just like a brick, and a bottle of tomato ketchup, and +when we got Pa up on the steps at home I hit him with the paper +brick, and my chum squirted the ketchup on his head, and we +demanded his money, and then he yelled murder, and we lit out, and +Ma and the minister, who was making a call on her, all the +afternoon, they came to the door and pulled Pa in. He said he had +been attacked by a band of robbers, and they knocked his brains +out, but he whipped them, and then Ma saw the ketchup brains oozing +out of his head, and she screamed, and the minister said. +‘Good heavens, he is murdered!’ and just then I came in +the back door and they sent after the doctor, and they put Pa on +the lounge, and tied up his head with a towel to keep the brains +in, and Pa began to snore, and when the doctor came in it took them +half an hour to wake him, and then he was awful sick to his +stummick, and then Ma asked the doctor if he would live, and the +doc. analyzed the ketchup and smelled of it and told Ma he would be +all right if he had a little Worcester sauce to put on with the +ketchup, and when he said Pa would pull through, Ma looked awful +sad. Then Pa opened his eyes and saw the minister and said that was +one of the robbers that jumped on him, and he wanted to whip the +minister, but the doc. held Pa’s arms and Ma sat on his legs, +and the minister said he had got some other calls to make, and he +wished Ma a happy new year in the hall, much as fifteen minutes. +His happy new year to Ma is most as long as his prayers. Well, we +got Pa to bed, and when we undressed him we found nine napkins in +the bosom of his vest, that he had picked up at the places where he +had called. He is all right this morning, but he says it is the +last time he will drink coffee when he makes New Years calls.</p> +<p>“Well, then you didn’t have much fun yourself on New +Years. That’s too bad,” said the grocery man, as he +looked at the sad eyed youth. “But you look hard. If you were +old enough I should say you had been drunk, your eyes are +red.”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/079.png"><img src= +"images/079.png" alt="A man doffs his hat at a nude statue." id= +"img079" name="img079" width="100%" /></a> +<p>HAPPY NEW YEAR, MUM!</p> +</div> +<p>“Didn’t have any fun eh? Well, I wish I had as many +dollars as I had fun. You see, after Pa got to sleep Ma wanted me +and my chum to go to the houses that Pa had called at and return +the napkins he had kleptomaniaced, so we dressed up and went. The +first house we called at the girls were sort of demoralized. I +don’t know as I ever saw a girl drunk, but those girls acted +queer. The callers had stopped coming, and the girls were drinking +something out of shaving cups that looked like lather, and they +said it was ‘aignogg.’ They laffed and kicked up their +heels wuss nor a circus, and their collars got unpinned, and their +faces was red, and they put their arms around me and my chum and +hugged us and asked us if we didn’t want some of the custard. +You’d a dide to see me and my chum drink that lather. It +looked just like soap suds with nutmaig in it, but by gosh it got +in its work sudden. At first I was afraid when the girls hugged me, +but after I had drank a couple of shaving cups full of the +‘aignogg’ I wasn’t afraid no more, and I hugged a +girl so hard she catched her breath and panted and said, ‘O, +don’t.’ Then I kissed her, and she is a great big girl, +bigger’n me, but she didn’t care. Say, did you ever +kiss a girl full of aignogg? If you did it would break up your +grocery business. You would want to waller in bliss instead of +selling mackerel. My chum ain’t no slouch either. He was +sitting in a stuffed chair holding another New Year’s girl, +and I could hear him kiss her so it sounded like a cutter scraping +on bare ground. But the girl’s Pa came in and said he guessed +it was time to close the place, unless they had a license for an +all night house, and me and my chum went out. But +<em>wasn’t</em> we sick when we got out doors. O, it seemed +as though the pegs in my boots was the only thing that kept them +down, and my chum he like to dide. He had been to dinner and supper +and I had only been skating all day, so he had more to contend with +than I did. O, my, but that lets me out on aignogg. I don’t +know how I got home, but I got in bed with Pa, cause Ma was called +away to attend a baby matinee in the night. I don’t know how +it is, but there never is anybody in our part of town that has a +baby but they have it in the night, and they send for Ma. I +don’t know what she has to be sent for every time for. Ma +ain’t to blame for all the young ones in this town, but she +has got up a reputashun, and when we hear the bell ring in the +night Ma gets up and begins to put on her clothes, and the next +morning she comes in the dining room with a shawl over her head, +and says, ‘its a girl and weighs ten pounds,’ or +‘a boy,’ if it’s a boy baby. Ma was out on one of +her professional engagements, and I got in bed with Pa. I had heard +Pa blame Ma about her cold feet, so I got a piece of ice about as +big as a raisin box, just zactly like one of Ma’s feet, and +laid it right against the small of Pa’s back. I +couldn’t help laffing, but pretty soon Pa began to squirm and +he said, ‘Why’n ’ell don’t you warm them +feet before you come to bed,’ and then he hauled back his leg +and kicked me clear out in the middle of the floor, and said if he +married again he would marry a woman who had lost both her feet in +a railroad accident. Then I put the ice back in the bed with Pa and +went to my room, and in the morning Pa said he sweat more’n a +pail full in the night. Well, you must excuse me. I have an +engagement to shovel snow off the sidewalk. But before I go, let me +advise you not to drink aignogg, and don’t sell tom cats for +rabbits,” and he got out of the door just in time to miss the +rutabaga that the grocery man threw at him.</p> +<h3><a id="What_the_Democrats_Will_Do" name= +"What_the_Democrats_Will_Do">WHAT THE DEMOCRATS WILL DO.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The <em>Wisconsin</em> asks, “What will the Democrats +do?” We trust it is not betraying a confidence reposed in us +by the manager of a party, but we can not allow our neighbor to +remain in such dense ignorance, as long as we are possessed of the +desired information. “What will the Democrats do?” The +Democrats will prove an <em>alibi!</em></p> +<h3><a id="A_Sewing_Machine_Given_to_the_Boss_Girl" name= +"A_Sewing_Machine_Given_to_the_Boss_Girl">A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO +THE BOSS GIRL.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In response to a request from W.T. Vankirk, George W. Peck +presented the Rock County Agricultural Society with a sewing +machine, to be given to the “boss combination girl” of +Rock County. With the machine he sent the following letter, which +explains his meaning of a “combination girl,” etc.:</p> +<p class="rgt">MILWAUKEE, June 7, 1881.</p> +<p>W.T. VANKIRK—<em>Dear Sir:</em> Your letter, in reference +to giving some kind of a premium to somebody, at your County Fair, +is received, and I have been thinking it over. I have brought my +massive intellect to bear upon the subject, with the follow +result:</p> +<p>I ship you to-day, by express, a sewing machine, complete, with +cover, drop leaf, hemmer, tucker, feller, drawers, and everything +that a girl wants, except corsets and tall stockings. Now, I want +you to give that to the best “combination girl” in Rock +County, with the compliments of the <em>Sun</em>.</p> +<p>What I mean by a “combination,” is one that in the +opinion of your Committee has all the modern improvements, and a +few of the old-fashioned faults, such as health, etc. She must be +good-looking, that is not too handsome, but just handsome enough. +You don’t want to give this machine to any female statue, or +parlor ornament, who don’t know how to play a tune on it, or +who is as cold as a refrigerator car, and has no heart concealed +about her person. Our girl, that is, our “Fair Girl,” +that takes this machine, must be “the boss.” She must +be jolly and good-natured, such a girl as would make the young man +that married her think that Rock County was the next door to +heaven, anyway. She must be so healthy that nature’s roses +will discount any preparation ever made by man, and so well-formed +that nothing artificial is needed to—well, Van, you know what +I mean.</p> +<p>You want to pick out a thoroughbred, that is, all wool, a yard +wide—that is, understand me, I don’t want the girl to +be a yard wide, but just right. Your Committee don’t want to +get “mashed” on some ethereal creature whose belt is +not big enough for a dog collar. This premium girl wants to be able +to do a day’s work, if necessary, and one there is no danger +of breaking in two if her intended should hug her.</p> +<div class="figleft"><a href="images/084.png"><img src= +"images/084.png" alt= +"A woman plays the piano and sings enthusiastically." id="img084" +name="img084" width="100%" /></a> +<p>I WANT TO BE AN ANGEL.</p> +</div> +<p>After your Committee have got their eyes on a few girls that +they think will fill the bill, then they want to find out what kind +of girls they are around their home. Find if they honor their +fathers and their mothers, and are helpful, and care as much for +the happiness of those around them as they do for their own. If you +find one who is handsome as Venus—I don’t know Venus, +but I have heard that she takes the cake—I say, if you find +one that is perfect in everything, but shirks her duties at home, +and plays, “I Want to Be an Angel,” on the piano, while +her mother is mending her stockings, or ironing her picnic skirts, +then let her go ahead and be an angel as quick as she wants to, but +don’t give her the machine. You catch the idea?</p> +<p>Find a girl who has the elements of a noble woman; one whose +heart is so large that she has to wear a little larger corset than +some, but one who will make her home happy, and who is a friend to +all; one who would walk further to do a good deed, and relieve +suffering, than she would to patronize an ice cream saloon; one who +would keep her mouth shut a month before she would say an unkind +word, or cause a pang to another. Let your Committee settle on such +a girl, and she is as welcome to that machine as possible.</p> +<p>Now, Van, you ought to have a Committee appointed at once, and +no one should know who the Committee is. They should keep their +eyes open from now till the time of the Fair, and they should +compare notes once in a while. You have got some splendid judges of +girls there in Janesville, but you better appoint married men. They +are usually more unbiased. They should not let any girl know that +she is suspected of being the premium girl, until the judgment is +rendered, so no one will be embarrassed by feeling that she is +competing for a prize.</p> +<p>Now, Boss, I leave the constitution and the girls in your hands; +and if this premium is the means of creating any additional +interest in your Fair, and making people feel good natured and +jolly, I shall be amply repaid.</p> +<p class="rgt">Your friend<br /> +GEO. W. PECK.</p> +<h3><a id="She_was_no_Gentleman" name="She_was_no_Gentleman">SHE +WAS NO GENTLEMAN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>From an article in the <em>Leader</em> we gather that Frank +Drake, editor of the Rushford <em>Star</em>, was horsewhipped by a +woman who was dissatisfied with some article of his that appeared +against her, in the <em>Star</em>. A woman that cowhides an editor +is no gentleman.</p> +<h3><a id="Joke_on_the_Hat" name="Joke_on_the_Hat">JOKE ON THE +HAT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Somehow, during the election excitement, Frank Hatch happened to +bet right just once. He bet a hat, and on Monday he went to Putnam +& Philbrick and selected one of the finest silk ones. When he +went out in the street every body noticed it, and a reception was +held. They all congratulated Frank, except Ike Usher. Ike’s +hat was a year old, and the contrast was so remarkable that Ike +would not walk on the street with Hatch. Frank said that +Ike’s hat used to be a very fine looking hat, but at present +it was a disgrace to the force. Mr. Usher was offended, and he +swore revenge. He went to a professional drunkard on Division +street, and said that if he should happen to get drunk Monday night +and Hatch should happen to arrest him, he would give the drunkard +five dollars if the drunkard would mash Frank’s new hat. The +fellow said he would flatten it flatter than flatness itself. Just +after dark Mr. Hatch was walking down Third street, “Whoop, +hurrah for Tilden, (hic) ’endrix.” The remark seemed so +out of place that Frank went down there. The man was lying on the +sidewalk, and telling the barrel to roll over and not take up all +the bed. Mr. Hatch accosted the man gently, telling him he would +catch cold there, and that he had better go with him to the city +hotel. The man said he would—be counted in if he did, and +Hatch bent over him to take him by the lily white hand, when a +drunken boot came down on the top of that hat, and drove it clean +down to Frank’s nose. Of course it could go no further. Then +the man pulled Frank down, and the hat struck the end of a salt +barrel, knocked it off, and the man raised up and sat down on it, +and kicked it into the street. Frank got the man away, and a boy +brought his hat to the police station, just as Usher and Littlejohn +and Knutson, and all the policeman entered. It is said that all +stood on the corner over by Kevin’s watching the arrest. The +hat was a sight to behold, as it laid in state on the safe, and all +the boys making comments on it. It looked like a six-inch stove +pipe elbow that a profane man had been attempting to fit to a +five-inch stove pipe. It looked like some old dripping pan that had +been thrown out in the street, and had been run over by wagons. It +looked like the very dickens. And yet we have no doubt Hatch will +say this is a lie, because he now wears a good hat, but we know the +hat he now wears he got by trading a flannel shirt to a grasshopper +sufferer, and it no more resembles the beautiful new hat he won on +election than nothing. After Hatch went out of the office, Usher +let the man “escape,” and he is five dollars ahead, and +Ike has got even with Hatch.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/087.png"><img src= +"images/087.png" alt="Three men stand around a beat-up hat." id= +"img087" name="img087" width="80%" /></a> +<p>IT LOOKED LIKE AN OLD DRIPPING PAN.</p> +</div> +<h3><a id="The_Thirsty_Gopher" name="The_Thirsty_Gopher">THE +THIRSTY GOPHER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A Minnesota town got a fire steamer on trial, and tested it by +trying to drown out a gopher. After working it six hours, the +gopher came out to get a drink. He would have died of thirst if +they had kept the hole closed much longer.</p> +<h3><a id="Colored_Concert_Troupes" name= +"Colored_Concert_Troupes">COLORED CONCERT TROUPES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Sometimes it seems as though the colored people ought to have a +guardian appointed over them. Now, you take a colored concert +troupe, and though they may have splendid voices, they do not know +enough to take advantage of their opportunities. People go to hear +them because they are colored people, and they want to hear +old-fashioned negro melodies, and yet these mokes will tackle +Italian opera and high toned music that they don’t know how +to sing.</p> +<p>They will sing these fancy operas and people will not pay any +attention. Along toward the end of the programme they will sing +some old nigger song, and the house fairly goes wild and calls them +out half a dozen times. And yet they do not know enough to make up +a programme of such music as they can sing, and such as the +audience want.</p> +<p>They get too big, these colored people do, and can’t +strike their level. People who have heard Kellogg, and Marie Rose, +and Gerster, are sick when a black cat with a long red dress comes +out and murders the same pieces the prima donnas have sung. We have +seen a colored girl attempt a selection from some organ-grinder +opera, and she would howl and screech, and catch her breath and +come again, and wheel and fire vocal shrapnel, limber up her +battery and take a new position, and unlimber and send volleys of +soprano grape and cannister into the audience, and then she would +catch on to the highest note she could reach and hang to it like a +dog to a root, till you would think they would have to throw a pail +of water on her to make her let go, and all the time she would be +biting and shaking like a terrier with a rat, and finally give one +kick at her red trail with her hind foot, and back off the stage +looking as though she would have to be carried on a dust pan, and +the people in the audience would look at each other in pity and +never give her a cheer, when, if she had come out and patted her +leg, and put one hand up to her ear, and sung, “Ise a Gwine +to See Massa Jesus Early in de Mornin’,” they would +have split the air wide open with cheers, and called her out five +times.</p> +<p>The fact is, they haven’t got sense.</p> +<p>There was a hungry-looking, round-shouldered, sick-looking +colored man in the same party, that was on the programme for a +violin solo. When he came out the people looked at each other, as +much as to say, “Now we will have some fun.” The moke +struck an attitude as near Ole Bull as he could with his number +eleven feet and his hollow chest, and played some diabolical +selection from a foreign cat opera that would have been splendid if +Wilhelmj or Ole Bull had played it, but the colored brother +couldn’t get within a mile of the tune. He rasped his old +violin for twenty minutes and tried to look grand, and closed his +eyes and seemed to soar away to heaven,—and the audience +wished to heaven he had, and when he became exhausted and squeezed +the last note out, and the audience saw that he was in a profuse +perspiration, they let him go and did not call him back. If he had +come out and sat on the back of a chair and sawed off “The +Devil’s Dream,” or “The Arkansaw Traveler,” +that crowd would have cheered him till he thought he was a bigger +man than Grant.</p> +<p>But he didn’t have any sense.</p> +<h3><a id="Mattie_Mashes_Minnesota" name= +"Mattie_Mashes_Minnesota">MATTIE MASHES MINNESOTA.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Mrs. Mattie A. Bridge is meeting with great success in +Minnesota. In some places she is retained until she lectures four +times. She says the heart of Minnesota is warm towards her. We +shall feel inclined to put a head on Minnesota, if it don’t +quit allowing its heart to get warm.</p> +<h3><a id="Why_the_Fever_Didnt_Spread" name= +"Why_the_Fever_Didnt_Spread">WHY THE FEVER DIDN’T +SPREAD.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Portage City has had a sensation which, though at one time it +looked serious, turned out to be a farce. A girl was taken sick, +and a physician was called who pronounced it a case of yellow +fever, and he made out a prescription for that disease. Mr. +Brannan, editor of the Portage Register, who lives near, got the +news, and imparted it to all whom he met, and they in turn told it +to others, and a stampede was looked for. Fox turned the Fox House +over to Bunker, and had his trunks checked for the Hot Springs. +Corning and Jack Turner hired a wagon to take them to Briggsville. +Hærtel, the brewery man, offered to sell out his brewery and +all his property for eight hundred dollars, and he bought a ticket +for Germany. Bunker left the Fox House to run itself, and went to +Devil’s Lake. Sam. Branuan, telegraphed to George Clinton, at +Denver, not to come home, as the yellow fever was raging, and +people were dying off like rotton sheep. And Sam got vaccinated and +went to Beaver Dam. The excitement was intense. Men became +perfectly wild, and were going to rush off and leave the women and +children to the mercies of the dead plague. Chicago and Milwaukee +bummers could be seen at the hotels, kneeling beside their sample +cases trying to pray, but they couldn’t. Just before the +train started that was to carry away the frightened populace, the +doctor came up town and said that the girl with the yellow fever +was better, and that she was the mother of a fine nine pound boy. +The authorities took every precaution to prevent the spread of the +yellow fever, by arresting the brakemen whom the girl said was the +cause of all the trouble. All is quiet on the Wisconse now.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/090.png"><img src= +"images/090.png" alt= +"A man next to a case marked 'Samples' prays while kneeling." id= +"img090" name="img090" width="80%" /></a> +<p>DRUMMERS TRYING TO PRAY.</p> +</div> +<h3><a id="Too_Particular_by_Half" name= +"Too_Particular_by_Half">TOO PARTICULAR BY HALF.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>It is one of the mottoes of THE SUN never to publish anything +that would cause a blush to mantle the cheek of innocence, or +anybody. And yet, occasionally, a person finds fault. Not long +since a man said he liked THE SUN well enough, only it had too much +to say about patched breeches, which was offensive to some. Well, +some people are so confounded high toned that if they were going to +have a patch put on they would have it way up on the small of their +back. Some of the best women in the world have sat up nights to sew +a patch on their husband’s pants. Martha Washington used to +do it. But, G. Lordy, a family newspaper must not speak of a patch. +When you take patches away from the people you strike a blow at +their liberties. Don’t be too nice.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Way_to_Name_Children" name= +"The_Way_to_Name_Children">THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The names of Indians are sometimes so peculiar that people are +made to wonder how the red men became possessed of them. That of +“Sitting Bull,” “Crazy Horse,” “Man +Afraid of his Horses,” “Red Cloud,” etc., cause a +good deal of thought to those who do not know how the names are +given. The fact of the matter is that after a child of the forest +is born the medicine man goes to the door and looks out, and the +first object that attracts his attention is made use of to name the +child. When the mother of that great warrior gave birth to her +child, the medicine man looked out and saw a bull seated on its +haunches, hence the name “Sitting Bull.” It is an +evidence of our superior civilization that we name children on a +different plan, taking the name of some eminent man or woman, some +uncle or aunt to fasten on to the unsuspecting stranger. Suppose +that the custom that is in vogue among the Indians should be in use +among us, we would have instead of “George Washington” +and “Hanner Jane,” and such beautiful names, some of +the worst jaw-breakers that ever was. Suppose the attending +physician should go to the door after a child was born and name it +after the first object he saw. We might have some future statesman +named “Red Headed Servant Girl with a Rubber Bag of Hot +Water,” or “Bald Headed Husband Walking Up and Down the +Alley with His Hands in His Pockets swearing this thing shall never +Happen Again.” If the doctor happened to go to the door when +the grocery delivery wagon was there, he would name the child +“Boy from Dickson’s Grocery with a Codfish by the Tail +and a Bag of Oatmeal,” or if the ice man was the first object +the doctor saw, some beautiful girl might go down to history with +the name, “Pirate with a Lump of Ice About as Big as a +Soltaire Diamond.” Or suppose it was about election time and +the doctor should look out, he might name a child that had a right +to grow up a minister, “Candidate for Office so full of Bug +Juice that His Back Teeth are afloat;” or suppose he should +look out and see a woman crossing a muddy street, he might name a +child “Woman with a Sealskin Cloak and a Hole in Her Stocking +going Down Town to Buy a Red Hat.” It wouldn’t do at +all to name children the way Indians do, because the doctors would +have the whole business in their hands, and the directories are big +enough now.</p> +<h3><a id="An_Editor_Burglarized" name="An_Editor_Burglarized">AN +EDITOR BURGLARIZED.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The residence of John Turner, of the Mauston <em>Star</em>, was +entered by burglars a few nights since, and his clothes were +stolen, containing all his money and his railroad pass. We can +imagine an editor around bare as to legs, etcetery, and out of +money, but to be without a railroad pass must indeed be a sad state +of affairs. When burglars burgle an editor it is a sign that +confidence is restored under Hayes’ administration. We trust +that editors throughout the State who are blessed with this +world’s goods to the extent of more than one pair of pants, +will send one pair at least to John Turner, Mauston, Wis., by +express. We are probably as poor as any editor, but we have sent +him those alligator pants that have created such a sensation in +years gone by. It is true they are a little bit fringy about the +bottoms, and the knees are worn through, and concealment, like a +worm in the bud, has gnawed the foundation all out of them, but in +a little town like Mauston, such things will not be noticed. John, +take them, in welcome, and when the cold winds—but you better +carry bricks in your coat tail pockets. That is the way we wore +them the last three or four years.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Dissected" name="His_Pa_Dissected">HIS PA +DISSECTED.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“I understand your Pa has got to drinking again like a +fish,” says the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came +in the grocery and took a handful of dried apples. The boy ate a +dried apple and then made up a terrible face, and the grocery man +asked him what he was trying to do with his face. The boy caught +his breath and then said:</p> +<p>“Say, don’t you know any better than to keep dried +apples where a boy can get hold of them when he has got the mumps? +You will kill some boy yet by such dum carelessness. I thought +these were sweet dried apples, but they are sour as a boarding +house keeper, and they make me tired. Didn’t you ever have +the mumps? Gosh, but don’t it hurt though? You have got to be +darn careful when you have the mumps, and not go out bob-sledding, +or skating, or you will have your neck swell up biggern a milk +pail. Pa says he had the mumps once when he was a boy and it broke +him all up.”</p> +<p>“Well, never mind the mumps, how about your Pa spreeing +it. Try one of those pickles in the jar there, won’t you. I +always like to have a boy enjoy himself when he comes to see +me,” said the grocery man, winking to a man who was filling +an old fashioned tin box with tobacco out of the pail, who winked +back as much as to say, “if that boy eats a pickle on top of +them mumps we will have a circus, sure.”</p> +<p>“You can’t play no pickle on me, not when I have the +mumps. Ma passed the pickles to me this morning, and I took one +mouthful, and like to had the lockjaw. But Ma didn’t do it on +purpose, I guess. She never had the mumps and didn’t know how +discouraging a pickle is. Darn if I didn’t feel as though I +had been struck in the butt of the ear with a brick. But about Pa. +He has been fuller’n a goose ever since New Year’s day. +I think its wrong for women to tempt feeble minded persons with +liquor on New Year’s. Now me and my chum, we can take a drink +and then let it alone. We have got brain, and know when we have got +enough, but Pa, when he gets to going don’t ever stop until +he gets so sick that he can’t keep his stummick inside of +hisself. It is getting so they look to me to brace Pa up every time +he gets on a tear, and I guess I fixed him this time so he will +never touch liquor again. I scared him so his bald head turned gray +in a single night.”</p> +<p>“What under the heavens have you done to him now?” +says the grocery man, in astonishment. “I hope you +haven’t done anything you will regret in after +years.”</p> +<p>“Regret nothing,” said the boy, as he turned the lid +of the cheese box back and took the knife and sliced off a piece of +cheese, and took a few crackers out of a barrel, and sat down on a +soap box by the stove, “You see Ma was annoyed to death with +Pa. He would come home full, when she had company, and lay down on +the sofa and snore, and he would smell like a distillery. It hurt +me to see Ma cry, and I told her I would break Pa of drinking if +she would let me, and she said if I would promise not to hurt Pa to +go ahead, and I promised not to. Then I got my chum and another +boy, to help, and Pa is all right. We went down to the place where +they sell arms and legs, to folks who have served in the army, or a +saw mill, or a threshing machine, and lose their limbs, and we +borrowed some arms and legs, and fixed up a dissecting room. We +fixed a long table in the basement, big enough to lay Pa out on you +know, and then we got false whiskers and moustaches, and when Pa +came in the house drunk and lay down on the sofa, and got to sleep, +we took him and laid him out on the table, and took some trunk +straps, and a circingle and strapped him down to the table. He +slept right along all through it, and we had another table with the +false arms and legs on, and we rolled up our sleeves, and smoked +pipes, just like I read that medical students do when they cut up a +man.</p> +<p>“Well, you’d a dide to see Pa look at us when he +woke up. I saw him open his eyes, and then we began to talk about +cutting up dead men. We put hickery nuts in our mouths so our +voices would sound different, so he wouldn’t know us, and was +telling the other boys about what a time we had cutting up the last +man we bought. I said he was awful tough, and when we had got his +legs off and had taken out his brain, his friends came to the +dissecting room and claimed the body, and we had to give it up, but +I saved the legs. I looked at Pa on the table and he began to turn +pale, and he squirmed around to get up, but found he was fast. I +had pulled his shirt up under his arms, while he was asleep, and as +he began to move I took an icicle, and in the dim light of the +candles, that were sitting on the table in beer botles, I drew the +icicle across Pa’s stummick and I said to my chum, +‘Doc, I guess we had better cut open this old duffer and see +if he died from inflamation of the stummick, from hard drinking, as +the coroner said he did.’ Pa shuddered all over when he felt +the icicle going over his bare stummick, and he said, ‘For +God’s sake, gentlemen, what does this mean? I am not +dead.’</p> +<p>“The other boys looked at Pa with astonishment, and I said +‘Well, we bought you for dead, and the coroner’s jury +said you were dead, and by the eternal we ain’t going to be +fooled out of a corpse when we buy one, are we Doc?’ My chum +said not if he knowed his self, and the other students said, +‘Of course he is dead. He thinks he is alive, but he died day +before yesterday, fell dead on the street, and his folks said he +had been a nuisance and they wouldn’t claim the corpse, and +we bought it at the morgue.’ Then I drew the icicle across +him again, and I said, ‘I don’t know about this, +doctor. I find that blood follows the scalpel as I cut through the +cuticle. Hand me the blood sponge please.’ Pa began to wiggle +around, and we looked at him, and my chum raised his eye-lid, and +looked solemn, and Pa said, ‘Hold on gentlemen. Don’t +cut into me any more, and I can explain this matter. This is all a +mistake. I was only drunk.’ We went in a corner and +whispered, and Pa kept talking all the time. He said if we would +postpone the hog killing he could send and get witnesses to prove +that he was not dead, but that he was a respectable citizen, and +had a family. After we held a consultation I went to Pa and told +him that what he said about being alive might possibly be true, +though we had our doubts. We had found such cases before in our +practice east, where men seemed to be alive, but it was only +temporary. Before we had got them cut up they were dead enough for +all practical purposes. Then I laid the icicle across Pa’s +abdomen, and went on to tell him that even if he <em>was</em> alive +it would be better for him to play that he <em>was</em> dead, +because he was such a nuisance to his family that they did not want +him, and I was telling him that I had heard that in his lifetime he +was very cruel to his boy, a bright little fellow who was at the +head of his class in Sunday school and a pet wherever he was known, +when Pa interrupted me and said, ‘Doctor, please take that +carving knife off my stomach, for it makes me nervous. As for that +boy of mine, he is the condemndest little whelp in town, and he +isn’t no pet anywhere. Now, you let up on this +dissectin’ business, and I will make it all right with +you.’ We held another consultation and then I told Pa that we +did not feel that it was doing justice to society to give up the +body of a notorious drunkard, after we had paid twenty dollars for +the corpse. If there was any hopes that he would reform and try and +lead a different life, it would be different, and I said to the +boys, ‘gentlemen, we must do our duty. Doc, you dismember +that leg, and I will attend to the stomach and the upper part of +body. He will be dead before we are done with him. We must remember +that society has some claim on us, and not let our better natures +be worked upon by the <em>post mortem</em> promises of a dead +drunkard.’ Then I took my icicle and began fumbling around +the abdomen portion of Pa’s remains, and my chum took a rough +piece of ice and began to saw his leg off, while the other boy took +hold of the leg and said he would catch it when it dropped off. +Well, Pa kicked like a steer. He said he wanted to make one more +appeal to us, and we acted sort of impatent but we let up to hear +what he had to say. He said if we would turn him loose he would +give us ten dollars more than we paid for his body, and that he +would never drink another drop as long as he lived. Then we +whispered some more and then told him we thought favorably of his +last proposition, but he must swear, with his hand on the leg of a +corpse we were then dissecting that he would never drink again, and +then he must be blindfolded and be conducted several blocks away +from the dissecting room, before we could turn him loose. He said +that was all right, and so we blindfolded him, and made him take a +bloody oath, with his hand on a piece of ice that we told him was a +piece of another corpse, and then we took him out of the house and +walked him around the block four times, and left him on a corner, +after he had promised to send the money to an address that I gave +him. We told him to stand still five minutes after we left him, +then remove the blindfold, and go home. We watched him, from behind +a board fence, and he took off the handkerchief, looked at the name +on a street lamp, and found he was not far from home. He started +off saying ‘That’s a pretty narrow escape old man. No +more whisky for you.’ I did not see him again until this +morning, and when I asked him where he was last night he shuddered +and said ‘none of your darn business. But I never drink any +more, you remember that.’ Ma was tickled and she told me I +was worth my weight in gold. Well, good day. That cheese is +musty.” And the boy went and caught on a passing sleigh.</p> +<h3><a id="Col_Ingersoll_Praying" name="Col_Ingersoll_Praying">COL. +INGERSOLL PRAYING.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Bob. Ingersoll is taking a rest from his persecutions of the +Creator, and is traveling in the Yo Semite region of California. +Bob does not believe there is a God, but if he was riding a kicking +mule, down the precipice near the big trees, and the saddle should +turn over with him, and his foot should be caught in the stirrup, +after the mule had kicked him a few times in the judgement seat, +which is the bowels, in his case, he would be very apt to bellow +like a calf, and say “O, Lord, please unbuckle that cussed +strap.” We should like to hear Bob had met with some such +accident, just so he would recognize the foreign government of the +Lord, which at present he totally ignores. Not that we have +anything against Ingersoll.</p> +<h3><a id="How_to_Invest_a_Thousand_Dollars" name= +"How_to_Invest_a_Thousand_Dollars">HOW TO INVEST A THOUSAND +DOLLARS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A young man advertises in a Milwaukee paper for a partnership. +He wants to invest one thousand dollars in some established +business. Go to La Crosse and go to betting on election. It pays, +and is an established business. There’s millions in it.</p> +<h3><a id="Boys_and_Circuses" name="Boys_and_Circuses">BOYS AND +CIRCUSES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is one thing the American people have got to learn, and +that is to give scholars in schools a half holiday when there is a +circus in town. We know that we are in advance of many of the +prominent educators of the country when we advocate such a policy, +but sooner or later the people whose duty it is to superintend +schools will learn that we are right, and they will have to catch +up with us or resign.</p> +<p>In the first place, a boy is going to attend a circus if there +is one in town, and the question before teachers and +superintendents should be, not how to prevent him from going to the +circus, but how to keep his mind on his books the day before the +circus and the day after. There have been several million boys made +into liars by school officials attempting to prevent their going to +circusses, and we contend that it is the duty of teachers to place +as few temptations to lie as possible in the way of boys.</p> +<p>If a boy knows that there will be no school on the afternoon of +circus day, he will study like a whitehead all the forenoon, and +learn twice as much as he will in all day if he can’t go. If +he knows there is a conspiracy on foot between his parents and the +teachers to keep him from the circus, he begins to think of some +lie to get out of school. He will be sick, or run away, or +something.</p> +<p>He will get there if possible. And after the first lie succeeds +in getting him out of school, he is a liar from the word go. There +is something, some sort of electricity that runs from a boy to a +circus, and all the teachers in the world cannot break the +connection. A circus is the boys’ heaven.</p> +<p>You may talk to him about the beautiful gates ajar, and the +angel band in heaven that plays around the great white throne, and +he can’t understand it, but the least hint about the circus +tent, with the flap pulled to one side to get in, and the band +wagon, and the girls jumping through hoops, and the clown, and he +is onto your racket at a jump.</p> +<p>You may try to paralyze him by the story of Daniel in the den of +lions, and how he was saved by faith in the power above, and the +boy’s mind will revert to the circus, where a man in tights +and spangles goes in and bosses the lions and tigers around, and he +will wonder if Daniel had a rawhide, and backed out of the cage +with his eye on the boss lion.</p> +<p>At a certain age a circus can hold over heaven or anything else +in a boy’s mind, and as long as the circus does not hurt him, +why not shut up shop a half a day and let him go? If you keep him +in school he wont learn anything, and he will go to the circus in +the evening and be up half the night seeing the canvas men tear +down the tent and load up, and the next day he is all played out +and not worth a continental. To some it would look foolish to +dismiss school for a circus, but it will cement a friendship +between teachers and scholars that nothing else could.</p> +<p>Suppose, a day or two before the circus arrives, the teacher +should say to the school: “Now I want you kids to go through +your studies like a tramp through a boiled dinner, and when the +circus comes we will close up this ranch and all go to the circus, +and if any of you can’t raise the money to go, leave your +names on my desk and I will see you inside the tent if I have to +pawn my shirt.”</p> +<p>Of course it is a male teacher we are supposing said this. Well, +don’t you suppose those boys and girls would study? They +would fairly whoop it up. And then suppose the teacher found forty +boys that hadn’t any money to go and he had no school funds +to be used for such a purpose.</p> +<p>How long would it take him to collect the money by going around +among business men who had been boys themselves? He would go into a +store and say he was trying to raise money to take some of the poor +children to the circus, and a dozen hands would go down into a +dozen pockets in two jerks of a continued story, and they would all +chip in.</p> +<p>O, we are too smart. We are trying to fire education into boys +with a shot gun, when we ought to get it into them inside of sugar +coated pills. Let us turn over a new leaf now, and show these boys +that we have got souls in us, and that we want them to have a good +time if we don’t lay up a cent.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Waters_of_La_Crosse" name= +"The_Waters_of_La_Crosse">THE WATERS OF LA CROSSE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>We have heretofore entirely overlooked the magnetic qualities of +the La Crosse water. It will be remembered that the Fond du Lac +water is advertised as magnetic water, and it has been said that a +knife blade, after being soaked in the water will take up a watch +key or a steel pen. That is nothing compared to the La Crosse +water. Last week a man who had been soaked in La Crosse water, took +up a watch, key and all, and a policeman who had been using the +water took up the man, with the watch. A pair of ice tongs, made of +steel, on being soaked in water, took up a piece of ice weighing +over a hundred pounds, and a farmer named Dawson, after drinking +the water took up a stray colt. A young couple stopped the other +evening and took a drink of water and up Fourth street, and before +they got to Seymour’s corner they were walking so close +together that you couldn’t tell which the bustle was on. We +have never seen water that had so much magnetism in as this. A pot +of it on a house is better than a lightning rod.</p> +<h3><a id="Sardineindianapolis" name= +"Sardineindianapolis">SARDINEINDIANAPOLIS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>In company with a couple of hundred others who were firm in the +belief that the Sardinapalus troupe were under the auspices of the +Young Men’s Christian Association, we attended the +performance on Monday evening. It was heralded as coming from +Booth’s theater, N.Y., where it had a run of four months. +Most of them got away while on the trip here, and only a few +appeared. The scenery, which was also extensively advertised, was +no more than could have been fixed up with a whitewash brush in +half a day, by home talent. The play, what there was of it was well +rendered, though many doubted the propriety of the king calling +around him a lot of La Crosse soldiers, to hear him tell the Greek +slave how he loved her. There was much dissatisfaction about the +Greek slave. All marble statues of the Greek slave represent her +with nothing on but a trace chain around one arm and one leg. But +the party who got up this play went behind the returns and invested +her with a white night gown, which detracted very much from +history. The “soldiers” were picked up among the La +Crosse boys, and they got tangled up, and couldn’t form a +line to save themselves, and when they stood against the wall it +was a melancholy fact that they tickled the ballet girls in the +ribs as they passed by. This was highly wrong. It takes the romance +out of the affair to gaze upon an Assyrian soldier, covered with +armor, and carrying a cover to a wash boiler in his hand, and to +think that he is covered with scars won in battle, and then look at +him through a glass and have him wink at you, and you find that you +have seen him thousands of times standing on the postoffice corner, +spitting tobacco juice across the sidewalk at the hydrant. Mrs. +Sardinapalus did not appear, having gone to visit her uncle, but +“Sard.” stuck to the Greek slave like a sand burr to a +boy’s trousers. They laid down together on a bale of paper +rags and looked at the dance. The dance was pretty good. First +there came out about a dozen girls in tights, with skirts as short +as pie crust. Their legs were all round and well got up, showing +that the sawdust was evenly distributed, with no chance for +dissatisfaction. They capered around, and smiled at the reflection +of the red lights in the gallery upon the bald heads before them, +and kicked up like all possessed, and then they backed up against +the wings and fooled with the La Cross Assyrians, who came down +like a wolf on the fold. Then there came out two first-class +dancers, one short, fat, plump, but mighty small, so small that she +didn’t look as though she was big enough for a cork to a jug. +But she could dance. Well, she ought to, as she had no clothes to +bother her. Next came a brunette, evidently of French extraction, +with a face that was a protection against assault with intent to +kill, and legs of the Gothic style. Smith said she was spavined, +but that’s a lie. She danced better than all of them, and +walked on her big toes till the audience yelled. Then the dancers +all got tangled up together, the brunette fell over on the little +blonde, stuck her hind foot right in the air as straight as a +liberty pole struck by lightning, somebody said +“Tableau,” and the curtain went down, and the audience +looked at each other as much as to say, “Let’s go +home.” The boys in the gallery cheered, and the curtain was +rung up again, but her flag was still there. Then they had a +fighting scene, where everybody gets mad and goes out into the +dressing room and clashes old swords together, and come back +wounded. The king, after killing up a lot ahead, got a furlough and +came in and lallygaged with the Greek slave a spell, and then the +battle was lost, and “Sardine.” said he might as well +die for an old sheep as a lamb. So he ordered a funeral pile built +of red fire, and he got on it to be burned up. The Greek slave said +if that was the game she wanted a hand dealt to her, as wherever +“Sard.” went she was going, as she had an insurance +policy against fire in the Northwestern Mutual. So he invited her +on to the kindling wood, and after hugging enough to last them +through perdition—and mighty good hugging it was +too—the pile of slabs was touched off, the flames rolled, and +“Sard.” and the Greek slave went down to hell clasped +in each other’s embrace, and we went to the People’s +store and bought a mackerel and went home and told our wife we had +been to a democratic caucus. We don’t know what all the other +fellows told their wives, but there has been a heap of lying, we +know that much.</p> +<div class="figure"><a href="images/105.png"><img src= +"images/105.png" alt="A couple embraces." id="img105" name="img105" +width="80%" /></a> +<p>“SARD.” AND THE GREEK SLAVE.</p> +</div> +<h3><a id="Insecure_Abodes" name="Insecure_Abodes">INSECURE +ABODES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Four men fell out of the Oshkosh jail the other day. If Oshkosh +would only imitate Fond du lac, and paper the county jail with wall +paper, it might become safe.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Knight_and_the_Bridal_Chamber" name= +"The_Knight_and_the_Bridal_Chamber">THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL +CHAMBER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There was one of those things occurred at a Chicago hotel during +the conclave that is so near a fight and yet so ridiculously +laughable that you don’t know whether you are on foot or a +horseback. Of course some of the Knights in attendance were from +the backwoods, and while they were well up in all the secret +workings of the order, they were awful “new” in regard +to city ways.</p> +<p>There was one Sir Knight from the Wisconsin pineries, who had +never been to a large town before, and his freshness was the +subject of remark. He was a large-hearted gentleman, and a friend +that any person might be proud to have. But he <em>was</em> fresh. +He went to the Palmer House Tuesday night, after the big ball, +tired nearly to death, and registered his name and called for a +bed.</p> +<p>The clerk told him that he might have to sleep on a red lounge, +in a room with two other parties, but that was the best that could +be done. He said that was all right, he “had tried to sleep +on one of them cots down to camp, but it nearly broke his +back,” and he would be mighty glad to strike a lounge. The +clerk called a bell boy and said, “Show the gentleman to +253.”</p> +<p>The boy took the Knight’s keister and went to the +elevator, the door opened and the Knight went in and began to pull +off his coat, when he looked around and saw a woman on the plush +upholstered seat of the elevator, leaning against the wall with her +head on her hand. She was dressed in ball costume, with one of +those white Oxford tie dresses cut low in the instep, which looked, +in the mussed and bedraggled condition in which she had escaped +from the exposition ball, very much to the Knight like a Knight +shirt. The astonished pinery man stopped pulling off his coat and +turned pale. He looked at the woman, then at the elevator boy, whom +he supposed was the bridegroom, and said:</p> +<p>“By gaul, they told me I would have to sleep with a couple +of other folks, but I had no idea that I should strike a wedding +party in a cussed little bridal chamber not bigger than a hen coop. +But there ain’t nothing mean about me, only I swow it’s +pretty cramped quarters, ain’t it, miss?” and he sat +down on one end of the seat and put the toe of one boot against the +calf of his leg, took hold of the heel with the other hand and +began to pull it off.</p> +<p>“Sir!” says the lady, as she opened her eyes and +began to take in the situation, and she jumped up and glared at the +Knight as though she would eat him.</p> +<p>He stopped pulling on the boot heel, looked up at the woman, as +she threw a loose shawl over her low neck shoulders, and said:</p> +<p>“Now don’t take on. The book-keeper told me I could +sleep on the lounge, but you can have it, and I will turn in on the +floor. I ain’t no hog. Sometimes they think we are a little +rough up in Wausau, but we always give the best places to the +wimmen, and don’t you forget it,” and he began tugging +on the boot again.</p> +<p>By this time the elevator had reached the next floor, and as the +door opened the woman shot out of the door, and the elevator boy +asked the Knight what floor he wanted to go to. He said he +“didn’t want to go to no floor,” unless that +woman wanted the lounge, but if she was huffy, and didn’t +want to stay there, he was going to sleep on the lounge, and he +began to unbutton his vest.</p> +<p>Just then a dozen ladies and gentlemen got in the elevator from +the parlor floor, and they all looked at the Knight in +astonishment. Five of the ladies sat down on the plush seat, and he +looked around at them, picked up his boots and keister and started +for the door, saying:</p> +<p>“O, say, this is too allfired much. I could get along well +enough with one woman and a man, but when they palm off twelve +grown persons onto a granger, in a sweat box like this, I had +rather go to camp,” and he strode out, to be met by a +policeman and the manager of the house and two clerks, who had been +called by the lady who got out first and who said there was a +drunken man in the elevator. They found that he was sober, and all +that ailed him was that he had not been salted, and explanations +followed and he was sent to his room by the stairs.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/108.png"><img src= +"images/108.png" alt="An angry man is confronted by a policeman." +id="img108" name="img108" width="80%" /></a> +<p>“THIS IS TOO ALLFIRED MUCH!”</p> +</div> +<p>The next day some of the Knights heard the story, and it cost +the Wausau man several dollars to foot the bill at the bar, and +they say he is treating yet. Such accidents will happen in these +large towns.</p> +<h3><a id="Seven_Year_Old_Horses" name= +"Seven_Year_Old_Horses">SEVEN YEAR OLD HORSES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>An old farmer once said, “What a year it must have been +for colts seven years ago this spring.” No person who has +never attempted to buy a horse can appreciate the remark, but if he +will let it be known that he wants to buy a good horse, he will be +struck with the circumstance that all the horses that are of any +particular account were born seven years ago. Occasionally there is +one that is six years old, but they are not plenty, Now, those of +us who lived around here seven years ago did not have our attention +called to the fact that the country was flooded with colts. There +were very few twin colts, and it was seldom that a mother had half +a dozen colts following her. Farmers and stock raisers did not go +round worrying about what they were going to do with so many colts. +The papers, if we recollect right, were not filled with accounts of +the extraordinary number of colts born. And yet it must have been a +terrible year for colts, because there are only six horses in +Milwaukee that are over seven years old, but one of them was found +to have been pretty well along in years when he worked in +Burnham’s brick yard in 1848, and finally the owner owned up +that he was mistaken twenty-six years. What a mortality there must +have been among horses that would now be eight, nine or ten years +old. There are none of them left. And a year from now, when our +present stock of horses would naturally be eight years old they +will all be dead, and a new lot of seven years old horses will take +their places. It is singular, but it is true. That is, it is true +unless horse dealers lie, and THE SUN would be slow to charge so +grave a crime upon a useful and enterprising class of citizens. No, +it cannot be, and yet, don’t it seem peculiar that all the +horses in this broad land are seven years old this spring? We leave +the suject for the youth of the land to wonder over,</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Joins_a_Temperance_Society" name= +"His_Pa_Joins_a_Temperance_Society">HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE +SOCIETY.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“Don’t you think my Pa is showing his age a good +deal more than usual?” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, +as he took a smoked herring out of a box, and peeled off the skin +with a broken bladed jack-knife, and split it open and ripped off +the bone, threw the head at a cat, took some crackers and began to +eat.</p> +<p>“Well, I don’t know but he does look as though he +was getting old,” said the grocery man, as he took a piece of +yellow wrapping paper and charged the boy’s poor old father +with a dozen herrings and a pound of crackers; “But there is +no wonder he is getting old. I wouldn’t go through what your +father has, the last year, for a million dollars. I tell you, boy, +when your father is dead, and you get a step-father, and he makes +you walk the chalk mark, you will realize what a bonanza you have +fooled yourself out of by killing off your father. The way I figure +it, your father will last about six months, and you ought to treat +him right, the little time he has to live.”</p> +<p>“Well, I am going to,” said the boy, as he picked +the herring bones out of his teeth with a piece of a match that he +sharpened with his knife. “But I don’t believe in +borrowing trouble about a step-father so long before hand. I +don’t think Ma could get a man to step into Pa’s shoes, +as long as I lived, not if she was inlaid with diamonds, and owned +a brewery. There are brave men, I know, that are on the marry, but +none of them would want to be brevet father to a cherubim like me, +except he got pretty good wages. And then, since Pa was dissected +he is going to lead a different life, and I guess I will make a man +of him, if he holds out. We got him to join the Good Templars last +night.”</p> +<p>“No, you don’t tell me,” said the grocery man, +as he thought that his trade in cider for mince pies would be cut +off. “So you got him into the Good Templars, eh?”</p> +<p>“Well, he thinks he has joined the Good Templars, so it is +all the same. You see my chum and me have been going to a private +gymnasium, on the west side, kept by a Dutchman, and in the back +room he has all the tools for getting up muscle. There, look at my +arm,” said the boy, as he rolled up his sleeve and showed a +muscle about as big as an oyster. “That is the result of +training at the gymnasium. Before I took lessons I hadn’t any +more muscle than you have got. Well, the Dutchman was going to a +dance on the south side the other night, and he asked my chum to +tend the gymnasium, and I told Pa if he would join the Good +Templars that night there wouldn’t be many at the lodge, and +he wouldn’t be so embarrassed, and as I was one of the +officers of the lodge I would put it to him light, and he said he +would go, so my chum got five other boys to help us put him +through. So we steered him down to the gymnasium and made him rap +on the storm door outside, and I said ‘who comes +there?’ and he said it was a pilgrim who wanted to jine our +sublime order. I asked him if he had made up his mind to turn from +the ways of a hyena, and adopt the customs of the truly good, and +he said if he knew his own heart he had, and then I told him to +come in out of the snow and take off his pants. He kicked a little +at taking off his pants, because it was cold out there in the storm +door dog house, but I told him they all had to do it. The princes, +potentates and paupers all had to come to it. He asked me how it +was when we initiated women, and I told him women never took that +degree. He pulled off his pants and wanted a check for them, but I +told him the Grand Mogul would hold his clothes, and then I +blind-folded him, and with a base ball club I pounded on the floor +as I walked around the gymnasium, while the lodge, headed by my +chum, sung, ‘We won’t go home till morning’ I +stopped in front of the ice water tank, and said, ‘Grand +Worthy Duke, I bring before you a pilgrim who has drank of the +dregs until his stomach won’t hold water, and who desires to +swear off.’ The Grand Mogul asked me if he was worthy and +well qualified, and I told him that he had been drunk more or less +since the reunion last summer, which ought to qualify him. Then the +Grand Mogul made Pa repeat the most blood-curdling oath, in which +Pa agreed, if he ever drank another drop, to allow anybody to pull +his toe-nails out with tweezers, to have his liver dug out and fed +to dogs, his head chopped off, and his eyes removed. Then the Mogul +said he would brand the candidate on the bare back with the initial +letters of our order, ‘G.T.,’ that all might read how a +brand had been snatched from the burning. You’d a dide to see +Pa flinch when I pulled up his shirt, and got ready to brand +him.</p> +<p>“My chum got a piece of ice out of the water cooler, and +just as he clapped it on Pa’s back I burned a piece of horses +hoof in the candle, and held it to Pa’s nose, and I guess Pa +actually thought it was his burning skin that he smelled. He jumped +about six feet and said, ‘Great heavens, what you +dewin,’ and then he began to roll over a barrel which I had +arranged for him. Pa thought he was going down cellar, and he hung +to the barrel, but he was on top half the time. When Pa and the +barrel got through fighting I was beside him, and I said, +‘Calm yourself, and be prepared for the ordeal that is to +follow.’ Pa asked how much of this dum fooling there was, and +said he was sorry he joined. He said he could let licker alone +without having the skin all burned off his back. I told Pa to be +brave and not weaken, and all would-be well. He wiped the +prespiration off his face on the end of his shirt, and we put a +belt around his body and hitched it to a tackle, and pulled him up +so his feet just off the floor, and then we talked as though we +were away off, and I told my chum to look out that Pa did not hit +the gas fixtures, and Pa actually thought he was being hauled clear +up to the roof. I could see he was scared by the complexion of his +hands and feet, as they clawed the air. He actually sweat so the +drops fell on the floor. Bime-by we let him down, and he was +awfully relieved though his feet were not more than two inches from +the floor any of the time. We were just going to slip Pa down a +board with slivers in to give him a realizing sense of the rough +road a reformed man has to travel, and got him straddle of the +board, when the Dutchman came home from the dance fullern a goose, +and he drove us boys out, and we left Pa, and the Dutchman said, +‘Vot you vas doing here mit dose boys, you old duffer, and +vere vas your pants?’ and Pa pulled off the handkerchief from +his eyes, and the Dutchman said if he didn’t get out in a +holy minute he would kick the stuffing out of him, and Pa got out. +He took his pants and put them, on in the alley, and then we came +up to Pa and told him that was the third time the drunken Dutchman +had broke up our lodge, but we should keep on doing good until we +had reformed every drunkard in Milwaukee, and Pa said that was +right, and he would see us through, if it cost every dollar he had. +Then we took him home, and when Ma asked if she couldn’t join +the lodge, too, Pa said, ‘Now you take my advice, and +don’t you ever join no Good Templars. Your system could not +stand the racket. Say, I want you to put some cold cream on my +back.’ I think Pa will be a different man now, don’t +you?”</p> +<p>The grocery man said if he was that boy’s pa for fifteen +minutes he would be a different boy or there would be a funeral, +and the boy took a handful of soft-shelled almonds and a few layer +raisins and skipped out.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Way_Women_Boss_a_Pillow" name= +"The_Way_Women_Boss_a_Pillow">THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Among the recent inventions is a pillow holder. It is explained +that the pillow holder is for the purpose of holding a pillow while +the case is being put on. We trust this new invention will not come +into general use, as there is no sight more beautiful to the eyes +of man than to see a woman hold a pillow in her teeth while she +gently manipulates the pillow case over it.</p> +<div class="figleft"><a href="images/114.png"><img src= +"images/114.png" alt= +"A woman holds a pillow in her teeth and puts a pillowcase on it." +id="img114" name="img114" width="100%" /></a> +<p>BOSSING THE PILLOW.</p> +</div> +<p>We do not say that a woman is beautiful with her mouth full of +pillows. No one can ever accuse us of saying that, but there is +something home-like and old-fashioned about it that cannot be +replaced by any invention.</p> +<p>We know that certain over fastidious women have long clamored +for some new method of putting on a pillow case, but these people +have either lost their teeth, or the new ones do not grasp the +situation. They have tried several new methods, such as blowing the +pillow case up, and trying to get it in before the wind got out, +and they have tried to get the pillow in by rolling up the pillow +case until the bottom is reached, and then placing the pillow on +end and gently unrolling the pillow case, but all these schemes +have their drawbacks.</p> +<p>The old style of chewing one end of the pillow, and holding it +the way a retriever dog holds a duck, till the pillow case is on, +and then spanking the pillow a couple of times on each side, is the +best, and it gives the woman’s jaws about the only rest they +get during the day.</p> +<p>If any invention drives this old custom away from us, and we no +more see the matrons of our land with their hair full of feathers +and their mouths full of striped bed-ticking, we shall feel that +one of the dearest of our institutions has been ruthlessly torn +from us, and the fabric of our national supremacy has received a +sad blow, and that our liberties are in danger.</p> +<h3><a id="Hunting_Dogs" name="Hunting_Dogs">HUNTING DOGS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>They are making everything out of rubber now. A man has invented +a hunting dog that can be carried in the pocket. When you get in +the field, all you have to do is to blow the dog up, and start it +to going. This will be a great saving, as hunters will not have to +pay baggage men a dollar for tying their dogs to a trunk, when they +go off hunting.</p> +<h3><a id="Enterprising_Chicago" name= +"Enterprising_Chicago">ENTERPRISING CHICAGO!</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Chicago is to have a hotel built exclusively for men. Under no +circumstances will a woman be admitted into it. There are so many +men who go to Chicago, who are liable to wink at women at the table +of the hotel, before they know their own heart, to lead a different +life, that this new hotel, without temptation, has been decided +upon. There will only be a few old bald headed roosters and persons +with red noses and sore eyes stopping at the new hotel. A hotel +without women would be almost as cheerful as a reform school.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Mad_Minister" name="A_Mad_Minister">A MAD +MINISTER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is probably the maddest minister living at Black River +Falls, that can be found in America to-day. He is a real nice man, +and his name is Burt Wheeler. He preaches good sound sense, and +everybody likes him. He has got friends at Neillsville, and all +around there. At Black River Falls there is no license, and liquor +is unknown, while at Neillsville there is license, and one can have +benzine at every meal. The other day the express took a jug from +Neillsville to the Falls, directed to the reverend gentleman, and +on the card attached to the jug handle was the following +notice:</p> +<p>“Old Bourbon—We have license here, and knowing you +have none in your town we thought it but kindness to remember your +wants.”</p> +<p>When a jug, or a keg arrives at the Falls by express, every +citizen notices it, and they investigate, and when the jug came +into the express office the expressman winked, and in a few minutes +half the population of the darling little village was there. They +read the note on the card and winked at each other. One man as he +took a piece of cut sugar out of a barrel, said he had long +suspected that Burt liked his toddy. Another fellow, picking a +mouthful off a codfish, remarked that you couldn’t always +tell about these confounded ministers. Frank Cooper, the editor of +the <em>Banner</em>, though he looked pained when he saw the name +“Old Bourbon” on the jug, and noticed the immense size +of the jug remarked that it was the best way not to condemn a man +till the returns were all in. The reverened gentleman was +interrupted in his preparation of his sermon by a neighboring lady +who just dropped in to tell the news, and when she sighed and told +him that his jug of whisky which he had ordered from Neillsville, +was in the express office, he could hardly believe his ears. He had +always, to the best of his knowledge and belief, tried to lead a +different life, and this was too much—too much bourbon. +Scratching out the last line that he had written, which was +something about something biting like an anaconda, and stinging +like a ready reckoner, he put on his coat and started down town, +resolved to face the multitude, conscious of his innocence. He +approached the express office a little nervous. The crowd filled +the street, and as he passed a raftsman with red breeches on, said +he wouldn’t have such a nose as that on him for a hundred +dollars. “He is full now,” said another, as the +Reverend gentleman put his hand on an awning post to steady himself +in the trying emergency. A man who was sitting on a salt barrel, +whittling a shingle, and who had one trousers leg tucked in his +boot, and a red sash around him, said if it could be proved that +Wheeler was a drinking man it would be a hard blow at religion, but +he didn’t know as he cared a blank anyway. The elder went in +the express office and the crowd fell back to give the chief +mourner a chance to look at the late lamented. There was a +different expression on every face. Some looked as though they were +glad he had been caught in the act, while others wore a mournful +expression, as though they had been suddenly bereaved. He was pale, +yet determined, and as he read the inscription he said, so help him +John Rogers, he had never ordered any whisky, and never drank any, +and didn’t know anything about this jug. Turning to those +present he said: “This is some horrid nightmare.” The +expressman said it was no nightmare, it was whisky. Wheeler said if +the charges were paid he would take it, and taking the jug out +doors he raised it high in the air and dashed it upon the pavement, +amid the applause of his friends. At this point Hon. Wm. T. Price +come along, and was told what had happened. He looked at the amber +liquid oozing down between the stones on the pavement, put his +finger in some of it, smelled of it, touched it to his tongue, and +turning to the yet pale and excited Reverend, he said:</p> +<p>“Wheeler, you have maintained a noble principle, but you +have destroyed four gallons of the d—dest finest maple syrup +that was ever brewed in Clark county.”</p> +<p>It was true, Doc. French and Tom Reed, of Neillsville, two good +friends of the Rev. Wheeler, had sent him the syrup, knowing that +he could use it in his family, and being jokers they had put the +Bourbon card on the jug, just for fun, with the alleged result +above stated. Temperance men should always smell of the cork, at +least, before smashing the jug. We have practiced that a good many +years, and never lost a gallon of maple syrup.</p> +<h3><a id="Anna_Dickinson_as_Mazeppa" name= +"Anna_Dickinson_as_Mazeppa">ANNA DICKINSON AS MAZEPPA!</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Anna Dickinson is to go upon the stage, and it is said that she +will open in San Francisco, in the play of “Mazeppa.” +If there is any society for the prevention of cruelty to animals on +the Pacific coast, we trust before Anna is tied on the wild horse +of Tartary, that some one will see to it that a cushion is put on +the back of the horse.</p> +<h3><a id="Good_Templars_on_Ice" name="Good_Templars_on_Ice">GOOD +TEMPLARS ON ICE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>We like to see young Good Templars have a hankering after cold +water, bright water; but when a Juvenile Lodge about to start on a +picnic, deliberately loads a hunk of ice belonging to <em>The +Sun</em> into an omnibus, we feel like reaching for the basement of +their roundabouts with a piece of clapboard.</p> +<h3><a id="Bounced_from_Church_for_Dancing" name= +"Bounced_from_Church_for_Dancing">BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR +DANCING.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The Presbyterian synod at Erie, Pa., has turned a lawyer named +Donaldson out of the church. The charge against him was not that he +was a lawyer, as might be supposed, but that he had danced a +quadrille. It does not seem to us as though there could be anything +more harmless than dancing a cold blooded quadrille. It is a simple +walk around, and is not even exercise. Of course a man can, if he +chooses, get in extra steps enough to keep his feet warm, but we +contend that no quadrille, where they only touch hands, go down in +the middle, and alamand left, can work upon a man’s religion +enough to cause him to backslide.</p> +<p>If it was this new “waltz quadrille” that Donaldson +indulged in, where there is intermittant hugging, and where the +head gets to whirling, and a man has to hang on to his partner +quite considerable, to keep from falling all over himself, and +where she looks up fondly into his eyes and as though telling him +to squeeze just as hard as it seemed necessary for his convenience, +we should not wonder so much at the synod hauling him over the +coals for cruelty to himself, but a cold quadrille has no deviltry +in it.</p> +<p>We presume the wicked and perverse Dr. Donaldson will join +another church that allows dancing judiciously administered, and +may yet get to heaven ahead of the Presbyterian synod, and he may +be elected to some high position there, as Arthur was here, after +the synod of Hayes and Sherman had bounced him from the Custom +House for dancing the great spoils walk around.</p> +<p>It is often the case here, and we do not know why it may not be +in heaven, that the ones that are turned over and shook up, and the +dust knocked out of them, and their metaphorical coat tail filled +with boots, find that the whirligig of time has placed them above +the parties who smote them, and we can readily believe that if +Donaldson gets a first-class position of power, above the skies, he +will make it decidedly warm for his persecutors when they come up +to the desk with their gripsacks and register and ask for a room +and a bath, and a fire escape. He will be apt to look up to the key +rack and tell them everything is full, but they can find pretty +fair accommodations at the other house, down at the Hot Springs, on +the European plan, by Mr. Devil, formerly of Chicago.</p> +<h3><a id="Frozen_Ears" name="Frozen_Ears">FROZEN EARS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“A young fellow and his girl went out sleighing yesterday, +and the lad returned with a frozen ear. There is nothing very +startling in the simple fact of a frozen ear, but the idea is that +it was the ear next to the girl that he was foolish enough to let +freeze.” A girl that will go out sleigh-riding with a young +man and allow his ears to freeze is no gentleman, and ought to be +arrested. Why, here in Milwaukee, on the coldest days, we have seen +a young man out riding with a girl, and his ears were so hot they +would fairly “sis,” and there was not a man driving on +the avenue but would have changed places with the young man, and +allowed his ears to cool. Girls cannot sit too close during this +weather. The climate is rigorous.</p> +<h3><a id="Hard_on_Fond_Du_Lac" name="Hard_on_Fond_Du_Lac">HARD ON +FOND DU LAC.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Forest street, Fond du Lac, is going to be a great place for +sparking, one of these days. For three years all the children born +on that street have been girls. Some lay it to the artesian well +water.</p> +<h3><a id="Those_Bold_Bad_Drummers" name= +"Those_Bold_Bad_Drummers">THOSE BOLD BAD DRUMMERS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>About seventy-five traveling men were snowed in at Green Bay +during a late blockade, and they were pretty lively around the +hotels, having quiet fun Friday and Saturday, and passing away the +time the best they could, some playing seven up, others playing +billiards, and others looking on. Some of the truly good people in +town thought the boys were pretty tough, and they wore long faces +and prayed for the blockade to raise so the spruce-looking chaps +could go away.</p> +<p>The boys noticed that occasionally a lantern-jawed fellow would +look pious at them, as though afraid he would be contaminated. So +Sunday morning they decided to go to church in a body. Seventy-five +of them slicked up and marched to the Rev. Dr. Morgan’s +church, where the reverend gentleman was going to deliver a sermon +on Temperance. No minister ever had a more attentive audience, or a +more intelligent one, and when the collection plate was passed +every last one of the travelers chipped in a silver dollar.</p> +<div class="figright"><a href="images/121.png"><img src= +"images/121.png" alt="A man holds an overflowing collection plate." +id="img121" name="img121" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE SEXTON IN ALL HIS GLORY.</p> +</div> +<p>When the sexton had received the first ten dollars the +perspiration stood out on his forehead as though he had been caught +in something. It was getting heavy, something that never occurred +before in the history of church collections at the Bay. As he +passed by the boys, and dollar after dollar was added to his +burden, he felt like he was at a picnic, and when twenty-five +dollars had accumulated on the plate he had to hold it with both +hands, and finally the plate was full, and he had to go and empty +it on the table in front of the pulpit, though he was careful to +remember where he left off, so he wouldn’t go twice to the +same drummer.</p> +<p>As he poured the shekels out on the table, as still as he could, +every person in the audience almost raised up to look at the pile, +and there was a smile on every face, and every eye turned to the +part of the church where sat the seventy-five solemn looking +traveling men, who never wore a smile. The sexton looked up to the +minister, who was picking up a hymn, as much as to say, +“Boss, we have struck it rich, and I am going back to work +the lead some more.” The minister looked at the boys, and +then at the sexton as though saying, “Verily, I would rather +preach to seventy-five Milwaukee and Chicago drummers than to own a +brewery. Go, thou, and reap some more trade dollars in my +vineyard.”</p> +<p>The sexton went back and commenced where he left off. He had his +misgivings, thinking maybe some of the boys would glide out in his +absence, or think better of the affair and only put in nickels on +the second heat, but the first man the sexton held out the platter +to planked down his dollar, and all the boys followed suit, not a +man “passed” or “renigged,” and when the +last drummer had been interviewed the sexton carried the biggest +load of silver back to the table that he ever saw.</p> +<p>Some of the silver dollars rolled off on the floor, and he had +to put some in his coat pockets, but he got them all, and looked +around at the congregation with a smile and wiped the perspiration +from his forehead with a bandanna handkerchief and winked, as much +as to say, “The first man that speaks disrespectfully of a +traveling man in my presence will get thumped, and don’t you +forget it.”</p> +<p>The minister rose up in the pulpit, looked at the wealth on the +table, and read the hymn, “A charge to keep I have,” +and the congregation joined, the travelers swelling the glad anthem +as though they belonged to a Pinafore chorus. They all bowed their +heads while the minister, with one eye on the dollars, pronounced +the benediction, and the services were over.</p> +<p>The traveling men filed out through the smiles of the ladies and +went to the hotel, while half the congregation went forward to the +anxious seat, to “view the remains.” It is safe to say +that it will be unsafe, in the future, to speak disparagingly of +traveling men in Green Bay, as long as the memory of that blockade +Sunday remains green with the good people there.</p> +<h3><a id="Anna_Dickinson" name="Anna_Dickinson">ANNA +DICKINSON.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Anna Dickinson is going upon the stage again and is to play male +characters, such as “Hamlet,” “Macbeth,” +and “Claude Melnotte.” We have insisted for years that +Anna Dickinson was a man, and we dare anybody to prove to the +contrary. There is one way to settle this matter, and that is when +she plays Hamlet. Let the stage manager put a large spider in the +skull of Yorick, and when Hamlet takes up the skull and says, +“Alas, poor Yorick, I was pretty solid with him,” let +the spider crawl out of one of the eye holes onto Hamlet’s +hand, and proceed to walk up Miss Dickinson’s sleeve. If +Hamlet simply shakes the spider off, and goes on with the funeral +unconcerned, then Miss Dickinson is a man. But if Hamlet screams +bloody murder, throws the skull at the grave digger, falls over +into the grave, tears his shirt, jumps out of the grave and shakes +his imaginary skirts, gathers them up in his hands and begins to +climb up the scenes like a Samantha cat chased by a dog, and gets +on top of the first fly and raises Hamlet’s back and spits, +then Miss Dickinson is a woman. The country will watch eagerly for +the result of this test, which we trust will be made at the Boston +Theatre next week.</p> +<h3><a id="Expedition_in_Search_of_a_Doughnut" name= +"Expedition_in_Search_of_a_Doughnut">EXPEDITION IN SEARCH OF A +DOUGHNUT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“’Twas midnight’s holy hour, and silence was +brooding like a gentle spirit o’er the still and pulseless +world.” Not a sound was heard, except Robert’s dog +baying at a sorrel haired young man and a muchmussed girl, who were +returning home from a suburban picnic. As they passed out of +hearing, and the dog was peacefully cannibalizing on a link of +sausage that had been condemned by the board of health, owing to a +piece of brass padlock that showed through the silky nickel plating +made of fiddling string material, a soft cry of a child was heard +in an upper room of a mansion owned by a prosperous business man. +The head of the house heard it and sat up in bed to still the small +voice, but couldn’t, when the mother of the child said that +she had forgotten to bring up anything for the child to eat in the +night, and she must go down cellar and get a doughnut. The man said +he could never stay there and enjoy himself in bed and think of his +wife, groping around in the dark below stairs after it. After +telling him that he would probably come up with a pickle, ehe let +him go. Carefully he got out of bed, in an angelic frame of mind +and a night shirt, and barefooted he prepared to make the descent. +As he stopped to hold one foot in his hand, the instep of which had +struck the rocker of the baby crib, she told him the doughnuts were +in the third crock in the pantry on the floor. He said it was one +evidence of a clear headed man, that he could walk all over his own +house in the dark. At the head of the first pair of stairs he +tripped on a baby cart and the tongue flew up and struck him on the +knee, but by hanging to the bannisters he saved himself. At the +foot of the stairs he tumbled over a block house and broke off a +toe nail. He said it was a mean man that wouldn’t sacrifice a +few toe nails for his little baby, and he laughed. He fell over a +dining room chair, and sat down in another, and when he got up he +felt that though he was not proud, he was stuck up, for on his +night shirt was a sticky fly paper that had been placed in +readiness to catch the unwary early fly. After peeling off the +sticky paper, and subterraneously swearing a neat, delicate little +female swear, he groped to the cellar door, and began to go +down.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/126.png"><img src= +"images/126.png" alt="A man and a cat are both yelling." id= +"img126" name="img126" width="80%" /></a> +<p>THE STARTLED CAT.</p> +</div> +<p>Now, if there is anything a boy ought to be punished for, it is +for surreptitiously eating a large slice of musk melon and leaving +the rind on the top stair. It tends to make a boy disliked. The +head of the family stepped with his bare feet on the piece of +melon, and sat down so quick that it made his head swim. It made +him swim all over, and under, and everywhere. But if he sat down +soon, he got up sooner. If there is one thing that a house cat +should be taught, it is to sleep elsewhere than on the top stair. +When he fell and struck the sleeping cat there was a crisis. He +took in the situation at once. An occasional disengaged feline toe +nail, and a squall, told him in burning words that, while his title +to the seat was contested, it would be impolitic to wait for a +commission of unbiased judges to decide which was entitled to it. +His opponent was armed, and had possession, and he felt that it +would tend to prevent riot and bloodshed if he quietly gave up. But +he felt that while in his present position the cat was +comparatively harmless, if he attempted to rise she would bring the +whole army and navy into action, and perhaps cripple his resources. +So he decided to jump up in a hurry before the cat had time to +think of her toe nails much. His position was not pleasant, to say +the least, but he jumped up in a hurry, hoping the cat would remain +and continue her nap. She was not a remaining cat and as soon as +his weight was removed from her person, she gave a yell as though +frightened, and began to walk up and down his legs, inside of his +night shirt. The question as to how many toe nails a cat has got, +has never been decided, but he says they have a million, and he can +show the documents to prove it. She went up him as though he was a +fence post, and a dog after her, and he flew around as though his +linen was on fire, and yelled until his wife came down to see what +was the matter. By unbuttoning the top button the cat was coaxed +out, under protest however, and after a light was lit there was +seen about the maddest man in the world. He took a candle and went +down after the doughnuts, and after running his hand into a jar of +preserved peaches, and another of pickled pig’s feet, he +struck the right one, and after hot grease from the candle had run +down his fingers he came up with a doughnut, and then the baby +wouldn’t eat it, then he sat down side-ways in a cushioned +chair, applied arnica and swore till daylight. A single shot was +heard in the cellar that morning, and the young life of that cat +went out. As he rode down on the street car the next morning, +people marvelled that he should stand up on the back platform, when +there were so many vacant seats, and when a neighbor asked him to +be seated he said, with a yawn, “No thank you, I have been +sitting down a good deal during the night,” and he looked +mad. It is such things that drive men to commit crimes.</p> +<h3><a id="Take_Your_Latin_Straight" name= +"Take_Your_Latin_Straight">TAKE YOUR LATIN STRAIGHT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The school board, at its last session adopted the following +rule: “The continental system of pronounciation shall be +taught in the high schools of La Crosse, and no other allowed +except by direction of board of education.” We are glad the +rule has been adopted, as there is no doubt that the continental +system is the best. We have been pained beyond measure, as no doubt +all of the school board have, at hearing the scholars pronounce +Latin by ’tother system. No longer ago than last Saturday, +when we were in Mons. Anderson’s, a girl came in and asked +for a pair of Latin corsets, by the Onalaska system of +pronounciation. The clerk, not understanding, went and got a pair +of those undershirts and drawers, complete in one number, with no +tale to be continued. The girl blushed, the clerk did not +understand, and we had to explain by the continental system, and +the girl got her corsets, but suppose there had not been a Latin +scholar standing around there waiting for his wife to buy a package +of safty pins, what a predicament the girl would have been in. On +behalf of the people, THE SUN thanks the board of education for +adopting the continental system of pronounciation, only they ought +to go further, and make it a crime punishable with suicide for +anybody to pronounce it in any other way. There has been suffering +enough by pronouncing it the old way.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="He_is_too_Healthy" name="He_is_too_Healthy">HE IS TOO +HEALTHY.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“There, I knew you would get into trouble,” said the +grocery man to the bad boy, as a policeman came along leading him +by the ear, the boy having an empty champagne bottle in one hand, +and a black eye. “What has he been doing Mr. +Policeman?” asked the grocery man, as the policeman halted +with the boy in front of the store.</p> +<p>“Well, I was going by a house up here when this kid opened +the door with a quart bottle of champagne, and he cut the wire and +fired the cork at another boy, and the champagne went all over the +sidewalk, and some of it went on me, and I knew there was something +wrong, cause champagne is too expensive to waste that way, and he +said he was running the shebang and if I would bring him here you +would say he was all right. If you say so I will let him +go.”</p> +<p>The grocery man said he had better let the boy go, as his +parents would not like to have their little pet locked up. So the +policeman let go his ear, and he throwed the empty bottle at a coal +wagon, and after the policeman had brushed the champagne off his +coat, and smelled of his fingers, and started off, the grocery man +turned to the boy, who was peeling a cucumber, and said:</p> +<p>“Now, what kind of a circus have you been having, and what +do you mean by destroying wine that way! and, where are your +folks?”</p> +<p>“Well, I’ll tell you. Ma she has got the hay fever +and has gone to Lake Superior to see if she can’t stop +sneezing, and Saturday Pa said he and me would go out to Oconomowoc +and stay over Sunday, and try and recuperate our health. Pa said it +would be a good joke for me not to call him Pa, but to act as +though I was his younger brother, and we would have a real nice +time. I knowed what he wanted. He is an old masher, that’s +what’s the matter with him, and he was going to play himself +for a batchelor. O, thunder, I got on to his racket in a minute. He +was introduced to some of the girls and Saturday evening he danced +till the cows came home. At home he is awful fraid of rheumatiz, +and he never sweats, or sits in a draft; but the water just poured +off’n him, and he stood in the door and let a girl fan him +till I was afraid he would freeze, and just as he was telling a +girl from Tennessee, who was joking him about being ‘a nold +batch,’ that he was not sure as he could always hold out a +woman hater if he was to be thrown into contact with the charming +ladies of the Sunny South. I pulled his coat and said, ‘Pa +how do you spose Ma’s hay fever is to-night, I’ll bet +she is just sneezing the top of her head off.’ Wall, sir, you +just oughten seen that girl and Pa. Pa looked at me as if I was a +total stranger, and told the porter if that freckled faced +boot-black belonged around the house he had better be fired out of +the ball room, and the girl said ‘the disgustin’ +thing!’ and just before they fired me I told Pa he had better +look out or he would sweat through his liver pad.</p> +<p>“I went to bed and Pa staid up till the lights were put +out. He was mad when he came to bed, but he didn’t kick me, +cause the people in the next room would hear him, but the next +morning he talked to me. He said I might go back home Sunday night, +and he would stay a day or two. He sat around on the veranda all +the afternoon, talking with the girls, and when he would see me +coming along he would look cross. He took a girl out boat riding, +and when I asked him if I couldn’t go along, he said he was +afraid I would get drowned, and he said if I went home there was +nothing there too good for me, and so my chum and me got to firing +bottles of champagne, and he hit me in the eye with a cork, and I +drove him out doors and was just going to shell his earth works, +when the policeman collared me. Say, what’s good for a black +eye?”</p> +<p>The grocery man told him his Pa would cure it when he got home. +“What do you think your Pa’s object was in passing +himself off for a single man at Oconomowoc?” asked the +grocery man, as he charged up the cucumber to the boy’s +father.</p> +<p>“That’s what beats me. Aside from Ma’s hay +fever she is one of the healthiest women in this town. O, I suppose +he does it for his health, the way they all do when they go to a +summer resort, but it leaves a boy an orphan, don’t it, to +have such kitteny parents?”</p> +<h3><a id="Sure_of_Heaven" name="Sure_of_Heaven">SURE OF +HEAVEN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The only persons that are real sure that their calling and +election is sure, and that they are going to heaven across lots, +are the men who are hung for murder. They always announce that they +have got a dead thing on it, just before the drop falls. How +encouraging it must be to children to listen to the prayers of our +ministers in churches, who admit that they are miserable sinners, +living on God’s charity, and doubtful if they would be +allowed to sit at His right hand, and as they tell the story of +their own unworthiness the tears trickle down their cheeks. Then +let the children read an account of a hanging bee, and see how +happy the condemned man is, how he shouts glory hallelujah, and +confesses that, though he killed his man, he is going to heaven. A +child will naturally ask, why don’t the ministers murder +somebody, and make a dead sure thing of it?</p> +<h3><a id="The_Naughty_But_Nice_Church_Choir" name= +"The_Naughty_But_Nice_Church_Choir">THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH +CHOIR.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>You may organize a church choir and think you have got it down +fine, and that every member of it is pious and full of true +goodness, and in such a moment as you think not you will find that +one or more of them are full of the old Harry, and it will break +out when you least expect it. There is no more beautiful sight to +the student of nature than a church choir. To see the members +sitting together, demure, devoted and pious looking, you think that +there is never a thought enters their mind that is not connected +with singing anthems, but sometimes you get left.</p> +<p>There is one church choir in Milwaukee that is about as near +perfect as a choir can be. It has been organized for a long time, +and has never quarreled, and the congregation swears by it. When +the choir strikes a devotional attitude it is enough to make an +ordinary Christian think of the angel band above, only the male +singers wear whiskers, and the females wear fashionable +clothes.</p> +<p>You would not think that this choir played tricks on each other +during the sermon, but sometimes they do. The choir is furnished +with the numbers of the hymns that are to be sung, by the minister, +and they put a bookmark in the book at the proper place. One +morning they all got up to sing, when the soprano turned pale, as +an ace of spades dropped out of her hymn book, the alto nearly +fainted when the queen of hearts dropped at her feet, and the rest +of the pack was distributed around in the other books. They laid it +onto the tenor, but he swore, while the minister was preaching, +that he didn’t know one card from another.</p> +<p>One morning last summer, after the tenor had been playing tricks +all spring on the rest of the choir, the soprano brought a chunk of +shoemaker’s wax to church. The tenor was arrayed like Solomon +in all his glory, with white pants, and a Seymour coat. The tenor +got up to see who the girl was that came in with the old lady, and +while he was up the soprano put the shoemaker’s wax on the +chair, and the tenor sat down on it. They all saw it, and they +waited for the result. It was an awful long prayer, and the church +was hot, the tenor was no iceberg himself, and shoemaker’s +wax melts at ninety eight degrees Fahrenheit.</p> +<div class="figleft"><a href="images/132.png"><img src= +"images/132.png" alt="A man stands looking over a rail." id= +"img132" name="img132" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE TENOR ARRAYED IN ALL HIS GLORY.</p> +</div> +<p>The minister finally got to the amen, and read a hymn, the choir +then coughed and all rose up. The chair that the tenor sat in stuck +to him like a brother, and came right along and nearly broke his +suspenders.</p> +<p>It was the tenor to bat, and as the great organ struck up he +pushed the chair, looked around to see if he had saved his pants, +and began to sing, and the rest of the choir came near bursting. +The tenor was called out on three strikes by the umpire, and the +alto had to sail in, and while she was singing the tenor began to +feel of first base to see what was the matter. When he got his hand +on the shoemaker’s warm wax his heart smote him, and he +looked daggers at the soprano, but she put on a pious look and got +her mouth ready to sing “Hold the Fort.”</p> +<p>Well, the tenor sat down on a white handkerchief before he went +home, and he got home without anybody seeing him, and he has been, +as the old saying is, “laying” for the soprano ever +since to get even.</p> +<p>It is customary in all first-class choirs for the male singers +to furnish candy for the lady singers, and the other day the tenor +went to a candy factory and had a peppermint lozenger made with +about half a teaspoonful of cayenne pepper in the centre of it. On +Christmas he took his lozenger to church and concluded to get even +with the soprano if he died for it.</p> +<p>Candy had been passed around, and just before the hymn was given +out in which the soprano was to sing a solo, “Nearer My God +to Thee,” the wicked wretch gave her the loaded lozenger. She +put it in her mouth and nibbed off the edges, and was rolling it as +a sweet morsel under her tongue, when the organ struck up and they +all arose. While the choir was skirmishing on the first part of the +verse and getting scored up for the solo, she chewed what was left +of the candy and swallowed it.</p> +<p>Well, if a democratic torch-light procession had marched +unbidden down her throat she couldn’t have been any more +astonished. She leaned over to pick up her handkerchief and spit +the candy out, but there was enough pepper left around the selvage +of her mouth to have pickled a peck of chow-chow. It was her turn +to sing, and as she rose and took the book, her eyes filled with +tears, her voice trembled, her face was as red as a spanked +lobster, and the way she sung that old hymn was a caution. With a +sweet tremulo she sung, “A Charge to Keep I Have,” and +the congregation was almost melted to tears.</p> +<p>As she stopped, while the organist got in a little work, she +turned her head, opened her mouth and blew out her breath with a +“whoosh,” to cool her mouth. The audience saw her wipe +a tear away, but did not hear the sound of her voice as she +“whooshed.” She wiped out some of the pepper with her +handkerchief and sang the other verses with a good deal of fervor, +and the choir sat down, all of the members looking at the +soprano.</p> +<p>She called for water, the noble tenor went and got it for her, +and after she had drank a couple of quarts, she whispered to him: +“Young man, I will get even with you for that peppermint +candy if I have to live a thousand years, and don’t you +forget it,” and then they all sat down and looked pious, +while the minister preached a most beautiful sermon on +“Faith.” We expect that tenor will be blowed through +the roof some Sunday morning, and the congregation will wonder what +he is in such a hurry for.</p> +<h3><a id="Supreme_Court_Judges_and_US_Senators" name= +"Supreme_Court_Judges_and_US_Senators">SUPREME COURT JUDGES AND +U.S. SENATORS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>I would call your attention to a change that it seems to me +should be made in the method of selecting U.S. Senators and Supreme +Judges. Heretofore it has been noticeable that the men who carried +the longest pole knocked down the senatorial persimmons. In the +matter of the election of Judges of the Supreme Court, it has been +the practice to secure men for those places at an enormous salary, +when other men would be willing to do the work and board +themselves. The suggestion I would make is that you pass a law +letting the offices of United States Senator and Judges of the +Supreme Court to the lowest bidder. This method will be economical +and will secure to the state men who can legislate and judge things +well enough for all practical purposes. The way times are now we +must get things at panic prices or go without.</p> +<h3><a id="Our_Christian_Neighbors_Have_Gone" name= +"Our_Christian_Neighbors_Have_Gone">OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE +GONE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>It pains us to announce that the Young Men’s Christian +Association, which has had rooms on two sides of our office for +more than a year, has moved away. We do not know why they moved, as +we have tried to do everything it was possible to do for their +comfort, and to cheer them in their lonely life. That their +proximity to the <em>Sun</em> office has been beneficial to them we +are assured, and the closeness has not done us any hurt as we know +of.</p> +<p>Many times when something has happened that, had it happened in +La Crosse, might have caused us to be semi-profane, instead of +giving way to the fiery spirit within us, and whooping it up, we +have thought of our neighbors who were truly good, and have turned +the matter over to our business manager, who would do the subject +justice or burst a flue.</p> +<p>When the young Christians have given a sociable, we have always +put on a resigned and pious expression and gone amongst them about +the time the good bald-headed brother brought up the pail full of +coffee, and the cheerful sister cut the cake.</p> +<p>No one has been more punctual at these free feeds than we have, +though we often noticed that we never got a fair divide of the cake +that was left, when they were dividing it up to carry home for the +poor. We have been as little annoyed by our neighbors as we could +have been by anybody that might have occupied the rooms.</p> +<p>It is true that at times the singing of a church tune in there +when we were writing a worldly editorial has caused us to get +tangled, but the piety that we have smuggled into our readers +through the church music will more than atone for the wrath we have +felt at the discordant music, and we have hopes the good brothers +will not be averse to saying a good word for us when they feel like +it.</p> +<p>When we lent the young Christians our sanctum as a reception +room for the ladies when they gave the winter picnic to the dry +goods clerks, we <em>did</em> feel a little hurt at finding so many +different kinds of hair pins on the carpet the next morning, and +the different colors of long hair on our plush chairs and raw silk +ottoman would have been a dead give away on any other occasion, but +for this, even, we have forgiven the young Christians, though if we +ever do so again, they have got to agree to comb the lounge and the +chairs before we shall ever occupy the rooms again.</p> +<p>There is nothing that is so hard to explain as a long hair of +another color, or hair pins and blue bows and pieces of switch. +They are gone and we miss them. No more shall we hear the young +Christian slip on the golden stairs and roll down with his boot +heel pointing heavenward, while the wail of a soul in anguish comes +over the banisters, and the brother puts his hand on his pistol +pocket and goes out the front door muttering a silent prayer, with +blood in his eyes.</p> +<p>No more will the young Christian faint by the wayside as he +brings back our borrowed chairs and finds a bottle and six glasses +on our centre table, when he has been importuning us to deliver a +temperance speech in his lecture room. Never again shall we witness +the look of agony on the face of the good brother when we refuse to +give five dollars toward helping discharged criminals to get a soft +thing, while poor people who never committed a crime and have never +been supported by the State are amongst us feeling the pangs of +hunger. No more shall we be compelled to watch the hard looking +citizens who frequent the reading room of the association for fear +they will enter our office in the still watches of the night and +sleep on the carpet with their boots on.</p> +<p>They are all gone. They have crossed the beautiful river, and +have camped near the <em>Christian Statesman</em> office, where all +is pure and good except the houses over on Second street, beyond +the livery stable, where they never will be molested if they do not +go there.</p> +<p>Will they be treated any better in their new home than they have +been with us? Will they have that confidence in their new neighbors +that they have always seemed to have in us? Well, we hope they may +be always happy, and continue to do good, and when they come to die +and go to St. Peter’s gate, if there is any backtalk, and +they have any trouble about getting in, the good old doorkeeper is +hereby assured that we will vouch for the true goodness and +self-sacrificing devotion of the Milwaukee Young Men’s +Christian Association, and he is asked to pass them in and charge +it up to the <em>Sun</em>.</p> +<h3><a id="Buttermilk_Bibbers" name="Buttermilk_Bibbers">BUTTERMILK +BIBBERS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The immense consumption of buttermilk as a drink, retailed over +the bars of saloons, has caused temperance people to rejoice. It is +said that over two thousand gallons a day are sold in Milwaukee. +There is one thing about buttermilk, in its favor, and that is, it +does not intoxicate, and it takes the place of liquor as a +beverage. A man may drink a quart of buttermilk, and while he may +feel like a calf that has been sucking, and want to stand in a +fence corner and bleat, or kick up his heels and run around a +pasture, he does not become intoxicated and throw a beer keg +through a saloon window.</p> +<p>Another thing, buttermilk does not cause the nose to become red, +and the consumer’s breath does not smell like the next day +after a sangerfest. The complexion of the nose of a buttermilk +drinker assumes a pale hue which is enchanting, and while his +breath may smell like a baby that has nursed too much and got sour, +the smell does not debar his entrance to a temperance society.</p> +<h3><a id="Fishing_for_Pieces_of_Women" name= +"Fishing_for_Pieces_of_Women">FISHING FOR PIECES OF WOMEN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There are lots of ludicrous scenes to be observed on the +railroads and conductors are loaded with stories that would cause a +marble monument to keep its sides a laughing. Some day we are going +to borrow a conductor, and take him out in the woods, and place a +revolver to his head and make him deliver a lot of stories. The +other day as conductor Fred Underwood’s train from Chicago, +arrived on the trestle work on the south side, the whistle blew, +the air break was touched off, and the train came up standing so +quick that a woman lost her false teeth in the sleeper, and +everybody’s hair stood up like a mule’s ears. Every +window had a head out, and when the conductor got out on the +platform he saw the engineer and fireman on the ends of the ties +looking down into the mud and water, shading their eyes as though +looking for the eclipse.</p> +<p>There, sticking out of the mud were two human legs, and as one +leg had a piece of listing around it, just above the veal, the +conductor knew, instinctively, that the surface indications showed +that there was a woman in there. Then he thought that the engine +had probably struck a female, and tore her all to pieces, and of +course he knew that the company would expect him to bring home +enough for a mess, or a funeral. Spitting on his hands he called a +brakeman with a transom hook out of the sleeper, to fish with, they +rolled up their trousers and waded in, after telling a porter to +bring a blanket to put the pieces in. The brakeman got there first +and took hold of one foot, when the conductor got hold of the +brakeman’s coat tail and pulled. The passengers turned away +sick, expecting to see the mangled remains brought to the surface. +They pulled, and directly the balance of the deceased came up. It +was an Irish lady, with a tin pail, who had been on the way to take +her husband’s dinner to him, and she stood on one side to let +the train pass, and had lost her balance and fallen into the mud. +As her head came out of the mud, she squirted water out of her +mouth, kicked the brakeman in the ear and said,</p> +<p>“Lave go of me, I am a dacent woman!”</p> +<p>The conductor asked her if she was hurt.</p> +<p>“Hurted is it,” said she, “Ivery bone in my +body is kilt intirely, and I have lost me tay cup,” and she +looked in her tin pail in distress.</p> +<p>After vainly trying to get the conductor to wade in and search +for her “tay cup,” she permitted them to assist her +into the car, where an old doctor from Racine volunteered to +examine her to see if she was mortally injured. He put his hand on +her shoulder and asked her if she was in any pain.</p> +<p>“Divil the pain, except the loss of me tay cup,” +said she, “and kape yer owld hands off me, for I am a dacent +woman.”</p> +<p>She shook herself in the car and got mud all over everybody, and +finally took her pail and jumped off at a crossing before arriving +at the depot. As the train came into the depot ten minutes late, +and the conductor jumped off, all mud from head to foot, as though +he had been playing spaniel and retrieving a wounded duck, Supt. +Atkins looked at his clothes and said, “Where in +—— have you been all the time?” The conductor +took a wisp of straw to wipe himself off, and as he threw it under +a car he said he had been in the artificial propagation of the +human race. In fact he had been engaged in the noble work of +raising woman to a higher sphere. He was allowed to go on probation +and wash himself. The brakeman went down there the next day and was +fishing in the same hole. He said he didn’t know but there +might be more woman in there, but they say he was after the +“tay cup.”</p> +<h3><a id="Nearly_Broke_up_the_Ball" name= +"Nearly_Broke_up_the_Ball">NEARLY BROKE UP THE BALL.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A party of well meaning young people from Ripon nearly broke up +a dance at Hazen’s cheese factory, out in the country a spell +ago. The people around there are quiet, sober country people, who +confine themselves in dancing, to plain quadrilles and country +dances, with an occasional monnie musk, or a plain waltz. These +young Ripon people are on the dance bigger than a wolf, and they +have learned all the Boston dips, and Saratoga bends, and Newport +colic dances, and everything new. There is one dance they have +learned which is peculiar to say the least. It is a species of +waltz, but the couple get together so odd that a person who sees it +for the first time just leans against something and fans himself. +When the music strikes up a waltz the young man opens his arms and +doubles himself up like a boy with the cholera infantum, his hind +leg cramps and his head lops over on one side, and he looks sick, +his back humps up like a case of chronic inflammatory rheumatism, +and he is ready. The girl who is with him, when he begins to have +spasms, at once seems to go into a trance. Her back gets up like a +cat, she bends over towards him, her forward leg gets out of joint +at the knee, her neck takes a cramp, her mouth opens and she lolls, +her eyes roll like a steer that has turned the yoke, and just +before she dies she falls into the arms of the deceased and they +are ready. For a moment they stand and squirm like angle-worms on a +hook, and froth at the mouth, and look, as they stand there, like a +pile driver that has been run into by an engine. They teeter up and +down a little, and then fly off on a tangent, and they flop around +in unexpected places among the other dancers, jump like a box car, +bump against other couples, and at every bump they are driven +closer together, until they are so near that it does seem as though +they will have to be pried apart with a handspike; they look into +each other’s eyes as though they would bite, and they keep +going around till their backs are broke. Well, a party of these +kind of dancers went to the cheese factory where the country people +were gathered, and after dancing a few quadrilles, the fiddlers +struck up an old fashioned waltz. While the visiting dancers were +going into spasms to get ready to wade in, the floor filled with +the country couples, who were waltzing around old fashioned, when +all of a sudden those Ripon people began to work. They flopped +across the cheese factory, knocked down a couple from +Pickett’s Corners, caromed on a fellow and his girl from +Brandon and sent them against a barrel of lemonade, glanced across +the hall and struck an old lady amidships that had just started to +call her girl off the floor because she was afraid the girl would +catch those Ripon cramps, knocked her under a bench, where she lay +and called for her husband Isaiah, to come and pick her up in a +basket. In less than two minutes all the other dancers hauled off, +and stood on benches and looked at them. Some of the country girls +hid their heads and said they wanted to go home. The visitors slid +around the hall, caught each other on the fly, run the bases, and +come under the wire neck and neck, just as the man who played +second fiddle fell over the base viol in a dead faint, and the man +that played the piccalo rolled under the music stand, striken with +apoplexy. The manager of the dance called a constable who was +present, and told him to arrest the party, and handcuff them and +take them to the Oshkosh insane asylum, where they had escaped. The +young men explained that they were not crazy, and that it was only +a new kind of dance, and they were reluctantly allowed to remain, +on condition that they “wouldn’t cut up any more of +them city monkey shines, not afore folks.”</p> +<h3><a id="Summer_Resorting" name="Summer_Resorting">SUMMER +RESORTING.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The other day a business man who has one of the nicest houses in +the nicest ward in the city, and who has horses and carriages in +plenty, and who usually looks as clean as though just out of a band +box and as happy as a schoolma’am at a vacation picnic, got +on a street car near the depot, a picture of a total wreck. He had +on a long linen duster, the collar tucked down under the neck band +of his shirt, which had no collar on, his cuffs were sticking out +of his coat pocket, his eyes looked heavy, and where the dirt had +come off with the perspiration he looked pale and he was cross as a +bear.</p> +<div class="figleft"><a href="images/142.png"><img src= +"images/142.png" alt="A man on a bench." id="img142" name="img142" +width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE RESORTER.</p> +</div> +<p>A friend who was on the car, on the way up town, after a +day’s work, with a clean shirt on, a white vest and a general +look of coolness, accosted the traveler as follows:</p> +<p>“Been summer resorting, I hear?”</p> +<p>The dirty-looking man crossed his legs with a painful effort, as +though his drawers stuck to his legs and almost peeled the back +off, and answered:</p> +<p>“Yes, I have been out two weeks. I have struck ten +different hotels, and if you ever hear of my leaving town again +during the hot weather, you can take my head for a soft +thing,” and he wiped a cinder out of his eye with what was +once a clean handkerchief.</p> +<p>“Had a good, cool time, I suppose, and enjoyed +yourself,” said the man who had not been out of town.</p> +<p>“Cool time, hell,” said the man, who has a pew in +two churches, as he kicked his limp satchel of dirty clothes under +the car seat. “I had rather been sentenced to the House of +Correction for a month.”</p> +<p>“Why, what’s the trouble?”</p> +<p>“Well, there is no trouble, for people who like that kind +of fun, but this lets me out. I do not blame people who live in +Southern States for coming North, because they enjoy things as a +luxury that we who live in Wisconsin have as a regular diet, but +for a Chicago or Milwaukee man to go into the country to swelter +and be kept awake nights is bald lunancy. Why, since I have been +out I have slept in a room a size smaller than the closet my wife +keeps her linen in, with one window that brought in air from a +laundry, and I slept on a cot that shut up like a jack-knife and +always caught me in the hinge where it hurt.</p> +<p>“At another hotel, I had a broken-handled pitcher of water +that had been used to rinse clothes in, and I can show you the +indigo on my neck. I had a piece of soap that smelled like a +tannery, and if the towel was not a recent damp diaper than I have +never raised six children.</p> +<p>“At one hotel I was the first man at the table, and two +families came in and were waited on before the Senegambian would +look at me, and after an hour and thirty minutes I got a chance to +order some roast beef and baked potatoes, but the perspiring, +thick-headed pirate brought me some boiled mutton and potatoes that +looked as though they had been put in a wash-tub and mashed by +treading on them barefooted. I paid twenty-five cents for a +lemonade made of water and vinegar, with a piece of something on +top that might be lemon peel, and it might be pumpkin rind.</p> +<p>“The only night’s rest I got was one night when I +slept in a car seat. At the hotel the regular guests were kept +awake till 12 o’clock by number six headed boys and girls +dancing until midnight to the music of a professional piano boxer, +and then for two hours the young folks sat on the stairs and yelled +and laughed, and after that the girls went to bed and talked two +hours more, while the boys went and got drunk and sang +‘Allegezan and Kalamazoo.’</p> +<p>“Why, at one place I was woke up at 3 o’clock in the +morning by what I thought was a chariot race in the hall outside, +but it was only a lot of young bloods rolling ten pins down by the +rooms, using empty wine bottles for pins and China cuspidores for +balls. I would have gone out and shot enough drunken galoots for a +mess, only I was afraid a cuspidore would carom on my jaw. Talk +about rest, I would rather go to a boiler factory.</p> +<p>“Say, I don’t know as you would believe it, but at +one place I sent some shirts and things to be washed, and they sent +to my room a lot of female underclothes, and when I kicked about it +to the landlord he said I would have to wear them, as they had no +time to rectify mistakes. He said the season was short and they had +to get in their work, and he charged me Fifth Avenue Hotel prices +with a face that was child-like and bland, when he knew I had been +wiping on diapers for two days in place of towels.</p> +<p>“But I must get off here and see if I can find water +enough to bathe all over. I will see you down town after I bury +these clothes.”</p> +<p>And the sticky, cross man got off swearing at summer hotels and +pirates. We don’t see where he could have been traveling.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Jokes_Him" name="His_Pa_Jokes_Him">HIS PA JOKES +HIM.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“What on earth is that you have got on your upper +lip?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in and +began to peel a rutabaga, and his upper lip hung down over his +teeth, and was covered with something that looked like +shoemaker’s wax, “You look as though you had been +digging potatoes with your nose.”</p> +<p>“O, that is some of Pa’s darn smartness. I asked him +if he knew anything that would make a boy’s moustache grow, +and he told me the best thing he ever tried was tar, and for me to +rub it on thick when I went to bed, and wash it off in the morning. +I put it on last night, and by gosh I can’t wash it off. Pa +told me all I had to do was to use a scouring brick, and it would +come off, and I used the brick, and it took the skin off, and the +tar is there yet, and say, does my lip look very bad?”</p> +<p>The grocery man told him it was the worst looking lip he ever +saw, but he could cure it by rubbing a little cayenne pepper in the +tar. He said the tar would neutralize the pepper, and the pepper +would loosen the tar, and act as a cooling lotion to the lacerated +lip. The boy went to a can of pepper behind the counter, and stuck +his finger in and rubbed a lot of it on his lip, and then his hair +began to raise, and he began to cry, and rushed to the water-pail +and ran his face into the water to wash off the pepper. The grocery +man laughed, and when the boy had got the pepper washed off, and +had resumed his rutabaga, he said:</p> +<p>“That seals your fate. No man ever trifles with the +feelings of the bold buccanner of the Spanish main, without living +to rue it. I will lay for you, old man, and don’t you forget +it. Pa thought he was smart when he got me to put tar on my lip, to +bring my moustache out, and to-day he lays on a bed of pain, and +to-morrow your turn will come. You will regret that you did not get +down on your knees and beg my pardon. You will be sorry that you +did not prescribe cold cream for my bruised lip, instead of cayenne +pepper. Beware, you base twelve ounces to the pound huckster, you +gimlet-eyed seller of dog sausage, you sanded sugar idiot, you +small potato three card monte sleight of hand rotten egg fiend, you +villain that sells smoked sturgeon and dogfish for smoked halibut. +The avenger is on your track.”</p> +<p>“Look here, young man, don’t you threaten me, or I +will take you by the ear and walk you through green fields, and +beside still waters to the front door and kick your pistol pocket +clear around so you can wear it for a watch pocket in your vest. No +boy can frighten me by crimus. But tell me, how did you get even +with your Pa?”</p> +<p>“Well, give me a glass of cider and we will be friends and +I will tell you. Thanks! Gosh, but that cider is made out of mouldy +dried apples and sewer water,” and he took a handful of layer +raisins off the top of a box to take the taste out of his mouth, +and while the grocer charged a peck of rutabagas, a gallon of cider +and two pounds of raisins to the boy’s Pa, the boy +proceeded:</p> +<p>“You see, Pa likes a joke the best of anybody you ever +saw, if it is on somebody else, but he kicks like a steer when it +is on him. I asked him this morning if it wouldn’t be a good +joke to put some soft soap on the front step, so the letter-carrier +would slip up and spill hisself, and Pa said it would be elegant. +Pa is a Democrat, and he thinks that anything that will make it +unpleasant for Republican office holders, is legitimate, and he +encouraged me to paralyze the letter-carrier. The letter-carrier is +as old a man as Pa, and I didn’t want to humiliate him, but I +just wanted Pa to give his consent, so he couldn’t kick if he +got caught in his own trap. You see? Well, this morning the +minister and two of the deacons called on Pa, to have a talk with +him about his actions in church, on two or three occasions, when he +pulled out the pack of cards with his handkerchief, and played the +music box, and they had a pretty hot time in the back parlor, and +finally they settled it, and were going to sing a hymn, when Pa +handed them a little hymn book, and the minister opened it and +turned pale and said, ‘what’s this?’ and they +looked at it, and it was a book of Hoyle’s games instead of a +hymn book. Gosh, wasn’t the minister mad! He had started to +read a hymn and he quit after he had read two lines where it said, +‘In a game of four-handed euchre, never trump your +partner’s ace, but rely on the ace to take the trick on +suit.’ Pa was trying to explain how the book came to be +there, when the minister and the deacons started out, and then I +poured the two quart tin pail full of soft soap on the front step. +It was this white soap, just the color of the step, and when I got +it spread I went down in the basement. The visitors came out and Pa +was trying to explain to them, about Hoyle, when one of the deacons +stepped on the soap and his feet flew up and he struck on his pants +and slid down the steps. The minister said ‘great heavens, +deacon, are you hurt? let me assist you,’ and he took two +quick steps, and you have seen these fellows in a nigger show that +kick each other head over heels and fall on their ears, and stand +on their heads and turn around like a top. The minister’s +feet slipped and the next I saw he was standing on his head in his +hat, and his legs were sort of wilted and fell limp by his side, +and he fell over on his stomach. You talk about spreading the +gospel in heathen lands. It is nothing to the way you can spread it +with two quarts of soft soap. The minister didn’t look pious +a bit, when he was trying to catch the railing he looked as though +he wanted to murder every man on earth, but it may be he was +tired.</p> +<p>“Well, Pa he was paralyzed, and he and the other deacon +rushed out to pick up the minister and the first old man, and when +they struck the steps they went kiting. Pa’s feet somehow +slipped backwards, and he turned a summersault and struck full +length on his back, and one heel was across the minister’s +neck, and he slid down the steps, and the other deacon fell all +over the other three, and Pa swore at them, and it was the worst +looking lot of pious people I ever saw. I think if the minister had +been in the woods somewhere, where nobody could have heard him, he +would have used language. They all seemed mad at each other. The +hired girl told Ma there was three tramps out on the sidewalk +fighting Pa, and Ma she took the broom and started to help Pa, and +I tried to stop Ma, ’cause her constitution is not very +strong and I didn’t want her to do any flying trapeze +business, but I couldn’t stop her, and she went out with the +broom and a towel tied around her head. Well, I don’t know +where Ma did strike, but when she came in she said she had +palpitation of the heart, but that was not the place where she put +the arnica. O, but she <em>did</em> go through the air like a +bullet through cheese, and when she went down the steps +a-bumpity-bump, I felt sorry for Ma. The minister had got so he +could set up on the sidewalk, with his back against the lower step, +when Ma came sliding down, and one of the heels of her gaiters hit +the minister in the hair, and the other foot went right through +between his arm and his side, and the broom liked to pushed his +teeth down his throat. But he was not mad at Ma. As soon as he see +it was Ma he said, ‘Why, sister, the wicked stand in slippery +places, don’t they?’ and Ma she was mad and said for +him to let go her stocking, and then Pa was mad and he said, +‘look-a-here you sky-pilot, this thing has gone far +enough,’ and then a policeman came along and first he thought +they were all drunk, but he found they were respectable, and he got +a chip and scraped the soap off of them, and they went home, and Pa +and Ma they got in the house some way, and just then the +letter-carrier came along, but he didn’t have any letters for +us, and he didn’t come onto the steps, and then I went up +stairs and I said, ‘Pa, don’t you think it is real +mean, after you and I fixed the soap on the steps for the +letter-carrier, he didn’t come on the step at all,’ and +Pa was scraping the soap off his pants with a piece of shingle, and +the hired girl was putting liniment on Ma, and heating it in for +palpitation of the heart, and Pa said, ‘You dam idjut, no +more of this, or I’ll maul the liver out of you,’ and I +asked him if he didn’t think soft soap would help a moustache +to grow, and he picked up Ma’s work-basket and threw it at my +head, as I went down stairs, and I came over here. Don’t you +think my Pa is unreasonable to get mad at a little joke that he +planned himself?”</p> +<p>The grocery man said he didn’t know, and the boy went out +with a pair of skates over his shoulder, and the grocery man is +wondering what joke the boy will play on him to get even for the +cayenne pepper.</p> +<h3><a id="Gathered_Waists" name="Gathered_Waists">GATHERED +WAISTS!</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Andrews’ <em>Bazar</em> says: “Gathered waists are +very much worn.” If the men would gather the waists carefully +they would not be worn so much. Some men go to work gathering a +waist just as they would go to work washing sheep, or raking and +binding. They ought to gather as though it was eggs done up in a +funnel-shaped brown paper at a grocery.</p> +<h3><a id="Church_Keno" name="Church_Keno">CHURCH KENO.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>While the most of our traveling men, our commercial tourists, +are nice Christian gentlemen, there is occasionally one that is as +full of the old Nick as an egg at this time of year is full of +malaria. There was one of them stopped at a country town a few +nights ago where there was a church fair. He is a blonde, +good-natured looking, serious talking chap, and having stopped at +that town every month for a dozen years, everybody knows him. He +always chips in towards a collection, a wake or a rooster fight, +and the town swears by him.</p> +<p>He attended the fair and a jolly little sister of the church, a +married lady, took him by the hand and led him through green +fields, where the girls sold him ten-cent chances in saw dust +dolls, and beside still waters, where a girl sold him sweetened +water with a sour stomach, for lemonade, from Rebecca’s well. +The sister finally stood beside him while the deacon was reading +off numbers. They were drawing a quilt, and as the numbers were +drawn all were anxious to know who drew it. Finally, after several +numbers were drawn it was announced by the deacon that number +nineteen drew the quilt and the little sister turned to the +traveling man and said, “My! that is my number. I have drawn +it. What shall I do?” “Hold up your ticket and shout +keno,” said he.</p> +<p>The little deaconess did not stop to think that there might be +guile lurking in the traveling man, but being full of joy at +drawing the quilt, and ice cream because the traveling man bought +it, she rushed into the crowd towards the deacon, holding her +number, and shouted so they could hear it all over the house, +“<em>Keno!</em>”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/151.png"><img src= +"images/151.png" alt= +"A woman holds a ticket towards an astonished man." id="img151" +name="img151" width="100%" /></a> +<p>“KENO!”</p> +</div> +<p>If a bank had burst in the building there couldn’t have +been so much astonishment. The deacon turned pale and looked at the +poor little sister as though she had fallen from grace, and all the +church people looked sadly at her, while the worldly minded people +snickered. The little woman saw that she had got her foot into +something, and she blushed and backed out, and asked the traveling +man what “keno” meant. He said he didn’t know +exactly, but he had always seen people, when they won anything at +that game, yell “keno.” She isn’t exactly clear +yet what “keno” is, but she says she has sworn off +taking advice from pious looking traveling men. They call her +“Little Keno” now.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Old_Sweet_Songs" name="The_Old_Sweet_Songs">THE OLD +SWEET SONGS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A Boston girl sings: “What is home without a +mother,” while the old lady is mending her daughter’s +stockings. There is something sweet about those old songs.</p> +<h3><a id="Failure_of_a_Solid_Institution" name= +"Failure_of_a_Solid_Institution">FAILURE OF A SOLID +INSTITUTION.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>We are astonished to see that a Boston dealer in canned goods +has failed. If there is one branch of business that ought to be +solid it is that of canning fruits and things, for there must be +the almightiest profit on it that there is on anything. It must be +remembered that the stuff is canned when it is not salable in its +natural state.</p> +<p>If the canners took tomatoes, for instance, when they first came +around, at half a dollar for six, and canned them, there would be +some excuse for charging twenty-five cents for a tin thing full, +but they wait until the vines are so full of tomatoes that the +producer will pay the cartage if you will haul them away, and then +the tomatoes are dipped into hot water so the skin will drop off +and they are chucked into cans that cost two cents each, and you +pay two shillings for them, when you get hungry for tomatoes. The +same way with peas, and peaches, and everything.</p> +<p>Did you ever try to eat canned peas? They are always old back +numbers that are as hard and tasteless as chips, and are canned +after they have been dried for seed. We bought a can of peas once +for two shillings and couldn’t crack them with a nut cracker. +But they were not a dead loss, as we used them the next fall for +buck shot. Actually, we shot a coon with a charge of those peas, +and he came down and struck the water, and died of the cholera +morbus the next day.</p> +<p>Talk of canned peaches; in the course of a brilliant career of +forty years we have never seen only six cans of peaches that were +worth the powder to blast them open. A man that will invent a can +opener that will split open one of these pale, sickly, hard hearted +canned peaches, that swim around in a pint of slippery elm juice in +a tin can, has got a fortune. And they have got to canning pumpkin, +and charging money for it.</p> +<p>Why, for a dollar, a canning firm can buy pumpkins enough to +fill all the tin cans that they can make in a year, and yet they +charge a fellow twenty cents for a can of pumpkin, and then the +canning establishment fails. It must be that some raw pumpkin has +soured on the hands of the Boston firm, or may be, and now we thing +we are on the right track to ferret out the failure, it may be that +the canning of Boston baked beans is what caused the stoppage.</p> +<p>We had read of Boston baked beans since school days, and had +never seen any till four years ago, when we went to a picnic and +bought a can to take along. We knew how baked beans ought to be +cooked from years of experience, but supposed the Boston bean must +hold over every other bean, so when the can was opened and we found +that every bean was separate from every other bean, and seemed to +be out on its own recognizance, and that they were as hard as a +flint, we gave them to the children to play marbles with, and +soured on Boston baked beans. Probably it was canning Boston beans +that broke up the canning establishment.</p> +<h3><a id="Registry_of_Electors" name= +"Registry_of_Electors">REGISTRY OF ELECTORS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The registry law has proved a conspicuous failure, inasmuch as +it has taken ten years of persistent efforts by its use to make a +change in the admistration. I would suggest that you amend the +registry law by providing that all qualified voters have their ears +punched, immediately after voting, by the inspectors of elections, +the same as conductors punch tickets. This method will obviate the +difficulties heretofore experienced, and check illegal voting and +prevent repeating.</p> +<h3><a id="About_Hell" name="About_Hell">ABOUT HELL.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>An item is going the rounds of the papers, to illustrate how +large the sun is, and how hot it is, which asserts that if an +icicle a million miles long, and a hundred thousand miles through, +should be thrust into one of the burning cavities of the sun, it +would be melted in the hundredth part of a second, and that it +would not cause as much “sissing” as a drop of water on +a hot griddle.</p> +<p>By this comparison we can realize that the sun is a big thing, +and we can form some idea of what kind of a place it would be to +pass the summer months. In contemplating the terrible heat of the +sun, we are led to wonder why those whose duty it is to preach a +hell, hereafter, have not argued that the sun is the place where +sinners will go to when they die.</p> +<p>It is not our desire to inaugurate any reform in religious +matters, but we realize what a discouraging thing it must be for +preachers to preach hell and have nothing to show for it. As the +business is now done, they are compelled to draw upon their +imagination for a place of endless punishment, and a great many +people, who would be frightened out of their boots if the minister +could show them hell as he sees it, look upon his talk as a sort of +dime novel romance.</p> +<p>They want something tangible on which they can base their +belief, and while the ministers do everything in their power to +encourage sinners by picturing to them the lake of fire and +brimstone, where boat-riding is out of the question unless you +paddle around in a cauldron kettle, it seems as though their labors +would be lightened if they could point to the sun, on a hot day in +August, and say to the wicked man that unless he gets down on his +knees and says his “Now I lay me,” and repents and is +sprinkled, and chips in pretty flush towards the running expenses +of the church, and stands his assessments like a thoroughbred, that +he will wake up some morning, and find himself in the sun, +blistered from Genesis to Revelations, thirsty as a harvest hand +and not a brewery within a million miles, begging for a zinc ulster +to cool his parched hind legs.</p> +<p>Such an argument, with an illustration right on the blackboard +of the sky, in plain sight, would strike terror to the sinner, and +he would want to come into the fold <em>too</em> quick. What the +religion of this country wants, to make it take the cake, is a hell +that the wayfaring man, though a Democrat or a Greenbacker, can see +with the naked eye. The way it is now, the sinner, if he wants to +find out anything about the hereafter, has to take it second +handed, from some minister or deacon who has not seen it himself, +but has got his idea of it from some other fellow who maybe dreamed +it out.</p> +<p>Some deacon tells a sinner all about the orthodox hell, and the +sinner does not know whether to believe him or not. The deacon may +have lied to the sinner some time in a horse trade, or in selling +him goods, and beat him, and how does he know but the same deacon +is playing a brace game on him on the hereafter, or playing him for +a sardine.</p> +<p>Now, if the people who advance these ideas of heaven or hell, +had a license to point to the moon, the nice, cool moon, as heaven, +which would be plausible, to say the least, and say that it was +heaven, and prove it, and could prove that the sun was the other +place, which looks reasonable, according to all we have heard about +’tother place, the moon would be so full there would not be +standing room, and they would have to turn Republicans away, while +the sun would be playing to empty benches, and there would only be +a few editors there who got in on passes.</p> +<p>Of course, during a cold winter, when the thermometer was forty +or fifty degrees below zero, and everybody was blocked in, and coal +was up to seventeen dollars a ton, the cause of religion would not +prosper as much as it would in summer, because when you talked to a +sinner about leading a different life or he would go to the sun, he +would look at his coal pile and say that he didn’t care a +continental how soon he got there, but these discouragements would +not be any greater than some that the truly good people have to +contend with now, and the average the year round would be largely +in favor of going to the moon.</p> +<p>The moon is very popular now, even, and if it is properly +advertised as a celestial paradise, where only good people could +get their work in, and where the wicked could not enter on any +terms, there would be a great desire to take the straight and +narrow way to the moon, and the path to the wicked sun would be +grown over with sand burs, and scorched with lava, and few would +care to take passage by that route. Anyway, this thing is worth +looking into.</p> +<h3><a id="Preparing_for_War" name="Preparing_for_War">PREPARING +FOR WAR.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The <em>Sun</em> is no alarmist, but it can see in recent events +what it believes to be a preparation for war. All of the +manufactories of fire arms and cartridges are working night and +day, and the Oneida community have just received an order to +immediately can 24,000 cans of baked beans. When the war will break +out we do not know, but all this fixed amunition is not being fixed +for no 4th of July. It is trouble.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Tony_Slaughter-House" name="A_Tony_Slaughter-House">A +TONY SLAUGHTER HOUSE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A Milwaukee paper copies what THE SUN said about killing hogs +while under the influence of chloroform, at Keine & +Wilson’s packing house, and intimates that it is all a lie. +Have we lived to this age to have our word doubted by a Milwaukee +editor? This is too much. Why, bless the dear man, the half has not +been told. The firm we speak of is desirous of building up a trade +for gilt edged pork and hams, so every improvement known to the +trade is inaugurated. We did not think it necessary to describe the +whole process, but now that our word is doubted, it is necessary to +do so. When the late lamented hog is transferred from the parlor +where he was chloroformed, his body is gently, yet firmly placed in +a gold lined tank, filled with boiling Florida water and cologne, +where the body remains until the bristles become loose, when it is +transferred to a table covered with purple velvet, and the bristles +are removed by the gentlemanly ushers, dressed in the fashions of +the time of George III, armed with gold candle sticks, studded with +diamonds. Then the body is taken by easy stages, into the presence +of the intestine transporter, who reclines upon a downy couch. He +raises up, brushes a particle of dust from his sleeve, and with a +silver knife cuts the hog from Dan to Beersheba, and the patent +insides are received on a silver salver, and divided among +attendant maidens. The inside of the hog is washed with bay rum, +and sweet majorum is put in. Then the hog is removed and cut up. +The portions salted are salted for keeps, and the hams and bacon +are smoked in a room filled with incense, and when the smoked meat +comes out it is good enough for a king, or a queen, or a Milwaukee +editor. Lie, indeed! We should like to see ourselves lying for one +hog.</p> +<h3><a id="An_Arm_That_is_not_Reliable" name= +"An_Arm_That_is_not_Reliable">AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A young fellow about nineteen, who is going with his first girl, +and who lives on the West Side, has got the symptoms awfully. He +just thinks of nothing else but his girl, and when he can be with +her,—which is seldom, on account of the old folks.—he +is there, and when he cannot be there, he is there or thereabouts, +in his mind. He had been trying for three months to think of +something to give his girl for a Christmas present, but he +couldn’t make up his mind what article would cause her to +think of him the most, so the day before Christmas he unbosomed +himself to his employer, and asked his advice as to the proper +article to give. The old man is bald-headed and mean. “You +want to give her something that will be a constant reminder of +you?” “Yes,” he said, “that was what was +the matter.” “Does she have any corns?” asked the +old wretch. The boy said he had never inquired into the condition +of her feet, and wanted to know what corns had to do with it. The +old man said that if she had corns, a pair of shoes about two sizes +too small would cause her mind to dwell on him a good deal. The boy +said shoes wouldn’t do. The old man hesitated a moment, +scratched his head, and finally said:</p> +<p>“I have it! I suppose, sir, when you are alone with her, +in the parlor, you put your arm around her waist; do you not, +sir?”</p> +<p>The young man blushed, and said that was about the size of +it.</p> +<p>“I presume she enjoys that part of the discourse, +eh?”</p> +<p>The boy said that, as near as he could tell, by the way she +acted, she was not opposed to being held up.</p> +<p>“Then, sir, I can tell you of an article that will make +her think of you in that position all the time, from the moment she +gets up in the morning till she retires.”</p> +<p>“Is there any attachment to it that will make her dream of +me all night?” asked the boy.</p> +<p>“No, sir! Don’t be a hog,” said the bad +man.</p> +<p>“Then what is it?”</p> +<p>The old man said one word, “Corset!”</p> +<p>The young man was delighted, and he went to a store to buy a +nice corset.</p> +<p>“What size do you want?” asked the girl who waited +on him.</p> +<p>That was a puzzler. He didn’t know they came in sizes. He +was about to tell her to pick out the smallest size, when he +happened to think of something.</p> +<p>“Take a tape measure and measure my arm; that will just +fit.”</p> +<div class="figright"><a href="images/159.png"><img src= +"images/159.png" alt="A woman cries while a man looks on." id= +"img159" name="img159" width="100%" /></a> +<p>“IT IS F-F-FOUR SIZES TOO B-B-BIG.”</p> +</div> +<p>The girl looked wise as though she had been there herself, found +that it was a twenty-two inch corset the boy wanted, and he went +home and wrote a note and sent it with the corset to the girl. He +didn’t hear anything about it till the following Sunday, when +he called on her. She received him coldly, and handed him the +corset, saying, with a tear in her eye, that she had never expected +to be insulted by him. He told her he had no intention of insulting +her; that he could think of nothing that would cause her to think +of the gentle pressure of his arm around her waist but a corset, +but if she felt insulted he would take his leave, give the corset +to some poor family, and go drown himself.</p> +<p>He was about to go away, when she burst out crying, and sobbed +out the following words, wet with salt brine.</p> +<p>“It was v-v-v-very thoughtful of y-y-you, but I +<em>couldn’t feel it</em>! It is f-f-four sizes too b-b-big! +Why didn’t you get number eight? You are silent, you cannot +answer, enough?”</p> +<p>They instinctively found their way to the sofa; mutual +explanation followed; he measured her waist again; saw where he had +made a mistake by his fingers lapping over on the first turn, and +he vowed, by the beard of the prophet, he would change it for +another, if she had not worn it and got it soiled. They are better +now.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Boy_and_the_Goat" name="The_Boy_and_the_Goat">THE +BOY AND THE GOAT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A man on King Street gave a boy a goat the other day, and he +tied a rope around its neck to lead it home. The boy wanted to go +through the gate, but as the goat concluded to jump over the fence +and pull the boy through between the pickets, he let the goat have +its own way. The boy got through the fence in instalments, leaving +his shirt collar and one pants leg on the pickets, the goat dragged +him out into the middle of the street, and then there occurred a +sanguinary encounter to see whether the boy or the goat should boss +the moving. At one time the spectators thought the goat would take +the boy home. The animal used the boy for a cultivator, and they +tore up the street like hands working on the road, till the goat +slipped the rope over his head, and then the boy gathered himself +up by the armful, and went and told his mother that he got his rope +back anyway. She combed him with a piece of barrel.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Gets_Mad" name="His_Pa_Gets_Mad">HIS PA GETS +MAD!</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“I was down to the drug store this morning and saw your Ma +buying a lot of court-plaster, enough to make a shirt I should +think. What’s she doing with so much court-plaster?” +asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he came in and pulled off +his boots by the stove and emptied out a lot of snow that had +collected as he walked through a drift, which melted and made a bad +smell.</p> +<p>“O, I guess she was going to patch Pa up so he will hold +water. Pa’s temper got him into the worst muss you ever see, +last night. If that museum was here now they would hire Pa and +exhibit him as the tattooed man. I tell you, I have got too old to +be mauled as though I was a kid, and any man who attacks me from +this out, wants to have his peace made with the insurance +companies, and know that his calling and election is sure, because +I am a bad man and don’t you forget it.” And the boy +pulled on his boots and looked so cross and desperate that the +grocer-man asked him if he wouldn’t try a little new +cider.</p> +<p>“Good heavens!” said the grocery man, as the boy +swallowed the cider, and his face resumed its natural look, and the +piratical frown disappeared with the cider. “You have not +stabbed your father have you? I have feared that one thing would +bring on another, with you, and that you would yet be +hung.”</p> +<p>“Naw, I haven’t stabbed him. It was another cat that +stabbed him. You see, Pa wants me to do all the work around the +house. The other day he bought a load of kindling wood, and told me +to carry it into the basement. I had not been educated up to +kindling wood, and I didn’t do it. When supper time came, and +Pa found that I had not carried in the kindling wood, he had a hot +box, and told me if that wood was not in when he came back from the +lodge, that he would warm my jacket. Well, I tried to hire some one +to carry it in, and got a man to promise to come in the morning and +carry it in and take his pay in groceries, and I was going to buy +the groceries here and have them charged to Pa. But that +wouldn’t help me out that night. I knew when Pa came home he +would search for me. So I slept in the back hall on a cot. But I +didn’t want Pa to have all his trouble for nothing, so I +borrowed an old torn cat that my chum’s old maid aunt owns, +and put the cat in my bed. I thought if Pa came into my room after +me, and found that by his unkindness I had changed to a torn cat, +he would be sorry. That is the biggest cat you ever see, and the +worst fighter in our ward. It isn’t afraid of anything, and +can whip a New Foundland dog quicker than you could put sand in a +barrel of sugar. Well, about eleven o’clock I heard Pa +tumbing over the kindling wood, and I knew by the remark he made as +the wood slid around under him, that there was going to be a cat +fight real quick. He came up to Ma’s room, and sounded Ma as +to whether Hennery had retired to his virtuous couch. Pa is awful +sarcastic when he tries to be. I could hear him take off his +clothes, and hear him say, as he picked up a trunk strap, ‘I +guess I will go up to his room and watch the smile on his face, as +he dreams of angels. I yearn to press him to my aching +bosom.’ I thought to myself, mebbe you won’t yearn so +much directly. He come up stairs, and I could hear him breathing +hard. I looked around the corner and could see he just had on his +shirt and pants, and his suspenders were hanging down, and his bald +head shown like a calcium light just before it explodes. Pa went +into my room, and up to the bed, and I could hear him say, +‘Come out here and bring in that kindling wood or I will +start a fire on your base burner with this strap.’ And then +there was a yowling such as I never heard before, and Pa said, +‘Helen Blazes,’ and the furniture in my room began to +fall around and break. O, <em>my</em>! I think Pa took the torn cat +right by the neck, the way he does me, and that left the +cat’s feet free to get in their work. By the way the cat +squawled as though it was being choked I know Pa had him by the +neck. I suppose the cat thought Pa was a whole flock of New +Foundland dogs, and the cat had a record on dogs, and it kicked +awful. Pa’s shirt was no protection at all in a cat fight, +and the cat just walked all around Pa’s stomach, and Pa +yelled ‘police,’ and ‘fire,’ and +‘turn on the hose,’ and he called Ma, and the cat +yowled. If Pa had had presence of mind enough to have dropped the +cat, or rolled it up in the mattrass, it would have been all right, +but a man always gets rattled in time of danger, and he held on to +the cat and started down stairs yelling murder, and he met Ma +coming up.</p> +<p>“I guess Ma’s night cap or something frightened the +cat more, cause he stabbed Ma on the night-shirt with one hind +foot, and Ma said ‘mercy on us,’ and she went back, and +Pa stumbled on a hand-sled that was on the stairs, and they all +fell down, and the cat got away and went down in the coal bin and +yowled all night. Pa and Ma went into their room, and I guess they +annointed themselves with vasaline, and Pond’s extract, and I +went and got into my bed, cause it was cold out in the hall, and +the cat had warmed my bed as well as it had warmed Pa. It was all I +could do to go to sleep, with Pa and Ma talking all night, and this +morning I came down the back stairs, and haven’t been to +breakfast, cause I don’t want to see Pa when he is vexed. You +let the man that carries in the kindling wood have six shillings +worth of groceries, and charge them to Pa. I have passed the +kindling wood period in a boy’s life, and have arrived at the +coal period. I will carry in coal, but I draw the line at kindling +wood.”</p> +<p>“Well, you are a cruel, bad boy,” said the grocery +man, as he went to the book and charged the six shillings.</p> +<p>“O, I don’t know. I think Pa is cruel. A man who +will take a poor kitty by the neck, that hasn’t done any +harm, and tries to chastise the poor thing with a trunk strap, +ought to be looked after by the humane society. And if it is cruel +to take a cat by the neck, how much more cruel is it to take a boy +by the neck, that had diphtheria only a few years ago, and whose +throat is tender? Say, I guess I will accept your invitation to +take breakfast with you,” and the boy cut off a piece of +bologna and helped himself to the crackers, and while the grocery +man was out shoveling off the snow from the sidewalk, the boy +filled his pockets with raisins and loaf sugar, and then went out +to watch the man carry in his kindling wood.</p> +<h3><a id="Spurious_Tripe" name="Spurious_Tripe">SPURIOUS +TRIPE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Another thing that is being largely counterfeited is tripe. +Parties who buy tripe cannot be too careful. There is a manufactory +that can make tripe so natural that no person on earth can detect +the deception. They take a large sheet of rubber about a sixteenth +of an inch thick for a background, and by a process only known to +themselves veneer it with a Turkish towel, and put it in brine to +soak. The unsuspecting boarding house keeper, or restaurant man +buys it and cooks it, and the boarder or transient guest calls for +tripe. A piece is cut off the damnable tripe with a pair of shears +used in a tin shop for cutting sheet iron, and it is handed to the +victim. He tries to cut it, and fails; he tries to gnaw it off, and +if he succeeds in getting a mouthful, that settles him. He leaves +his tripe on his plate, and it is gathered up and sewed on the +original piece, and is kept for another banquet.</p> +<h3><a id="Cash" name="Cash">“CASH.”</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>On circus day W.H.H. Cash, the great railroad monopolist of New +Lisbon, was in the city. He had just made a few hundred thousand +dollars on a railroad contract, and he decided to expend large sums +of money in buying dry goods. He went into one of our stores and +was passing along up the floor, when a black-eyed girl with a +dimple in her chin, pearly teeth, red pouting lips, who was behind +the counter, shouted, “<em>cash, here!</em>” Mr. Cash +turned to her, a smile illuminating his face as big as a horse +collar. He is one of the most modest men in the world, and as he +extended his great big horny hand to the girl, a blush covered his +face, and the perspiration stood in great beads on his forehead. +“How do yeu dew?” said Cash, as she seemed to shrink +back in a frightened manner. They gazed at each other a moment, in +astonishment, when another girl, perhaps a little better looking, +further on, said, “Here, Cash, quick!” He at once made +up his mind that she was the one that had spoken to him the first +time, so he said, “Beg your pardon, miss,” to the +black-eyed girl, and went on to where the other girl was wrapping +up a corset in a base ball undershirt. As he approached her she +smiled, supposing he wanted to buy something. He thought she knew +him, and he sat down on a stool and put out his hand and said, +“How have you been?” She didn’t seem to shake +very much, but asked him if there was anything she could show him. +He thought may be it was against the rules for the clerks to speak +to anybody, unless they were buying something, so he said, +“Yes, of course. Show me corsets, stockings, anything, gaul +dumbed if I care what.” She was just beginning to look upon +him as though she thought he had escaped, when a little blonde on +the other side of the store, as sweet as honey, shouted, +“Cash, Cash, I need thee every hour. Come a running.” +To say that Cash was astonished, is drawing it mild. He knew that +they all wanted him, but he couldn’t make out how they seemed +to know his name. He looked at the little blonde a minute, trying +to think where he had met her, when he decided to go over and ask +her. On the way over he thought she resembled a girl that used to +live in Portage. He went up to her, and with a smile that was +childlike and bland, he said, “Why, how are you, +Samantha?” The little blonde looked daggers at him. +“Didn’t you use to wait on tables there at the Fox +House, at Portage?” The girl picked up a roll of paper +cambric, and was about to brain him, when the floor walker came +along, and asked what was the matter. Cash explained that since he +came into the store, three or four girls had yelled to him, and he +couldn’t place them. “There,” says he, as another +girl yelled “Cash,” “there’s another of +‘em wants me,” and he was going to where she was, when +the floor walker asked him if his name was Cash. “You bet +your liver it is,” said Cash. It was then explained to him +that the girls were calling cash boys. He thought it over a minute +and said, “Sold, by the great baldheaded Elijah. Won’t +you go down and take something? Invite all of them. The girls can +take soda. I’ll be gaul blasted if I ever had such a rig +played on me.” And he went out into the glare of the +sunlight, with his hat pulled down over his eyes, and just then the +circus procession came along, and he followed off the elephants. +There are lots of worse men than Cash.</p> +<h3><a id="To_What_Vile_Uses_May_We_Come" name= +"To_What_Vile_Uses_May_We_Come">TO WHAT VILE USES MAY WE +COME.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A dispatch from Chicago, says that three men were shot on +“a boat used for the vilest purposes.” We never knew +that the newspapers were printed on boats there in Chicago.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Advent_Preacher_and_the_Balloon" name= +"The_Advent_Preacher_and_the_Balloon">THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE +BALLOON.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There occasionally occurs an accident in this world that will +make a person laugh though the laughing may border on the +sacrilegious. For instance, there is not a Christian but will smile +at the ignorance of the Advent preacher up in Jackson county who, +when he saw the balloon of King, the balloonist, going through the +air, thought it was the second coming of Christ, and got down on +his knees and shouted to King, who was throwing out a sand bag, +while his companion was opening a bottle of export beer, “O, +Jesus, do not pass me by.”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/167.png"><img src= +"images/167.png" alt="A man calls to a hot air balloon." id= +"img167" name="img167" width="80%" /></a> +<p>“DO NOT PASS ME BY!”</p> +</div> +<p>And yet it is wrong to laugh at the poor man, who took an +advertising agent for a Chicago clothing store for the Savior, who +he supposed was making his second farewell tour. The minister had +been preaching the second coming of Christ until he looked for him +every minute. He would have been as apt to think, living as he did +in the back woods, that a fellow riding a bicycle, with his hair +and legs parted in the middle, along the country road, was the +object of his search.</p> +<p>We should pity the poor man for his ignorance, we who believe +that when Christ <em>does</em> come he will come in the +old-fashioned way, and not in a palace car, or straddle of the +basket of a balloon. But we can’t help wondering what the +Adventist must have thought, when he appealed to his Savior, as he +supposed, and the balloonist shied a sand bag at him and the other +fellow in the basket threw out a beer bottle and asked, +“Where in —— are we?”</p> +<p>The Adventist must have thought that the Savior of mankind was +traveling in mighty queer company, or that he had taken the other +fellow along as a frightful example. And what could the Adventist +have thought when he saw a message thrown out of the balloon, and +went with trembling limbs and beating heart to pick it up, +believing that it was a command from on high to sinners, and found +that it was nothing but a hand bill for a Chicago hand-me-down +clothing store.</p> +<p>He must have come to the conclusion that the Son of Man had got +pretty low down to take a job of bill posting for a reversible +ulster and paper collar bazar. It must have been food for +reflection for the Advent preacher, as he picked up the empty beer +bottle, shied at him from the chariot that he supposed carried to +earth the Redeemer of man. He must have wondered if some Milwaukee +brewer had not gone to heaven and opened a brewery.</p> +<p>Of course we who are intelligent, and would know a balloon if we +saw it, would not have had any such thoughts, but we must remember +that this poor Advent preacher thought that the day had come that +had been promised so long, and that Christ was going to make a +landing in a strong Republican county. We may laugh at the +Adventist’s disappointment that the balloon did not tie up to +a stump and take him on board, but it was a serious matter to +him.</p> +<p>He had been waiting for the wagon, full of hope, and when it +came, and he saw the helmet on King’s head and thought it was +a crown of glory, his heart beat with joy, and he plead in piteous +accents not to be passed by, and the confounded gas bag went on and +landed in a cranberry marsh, and the poor, foolish, weak, +short-sighted man had to get in his work mighty lively to dodge the +sand bags, beer bottles, and rolls of clothing store posters.</p> +<p>The Adventist would have been justified in renouncing his +religion and joining the Democratic party. It is sad, indeed.</p> +<h3><a id="Mr_Pecks_Sunday_Lecture" name= +"Mr_Pecks_Sunday_Lecture">MR. PECK’S SUNDAY LECTURE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The papers all around here are saying that I have a new Sunday +Lecture, with a bad title. The way of it was this. A man in a +neighboring city telegraphed me to know if I would deliver a +“Sunday Lecture,” and telling me to choose my subject, +and answer by telegraph. I thought it was some joke of the boys. +The idea of me delivering a Sunday lecture was ridiculous, so, in a +moment of thoughtlessness I telegraphed back, “What in the +d—— do you take me for?” I supposed that that +would be enough to inform the man that I was not in the business. +What do you suppose he did? He telegraphed back to me as follows: +“All right. We have advertised you for Sunday. Subject, +‘What the d—— do you take me for.’” +You can judge something of my surprise and indignation.</p> +<p>That is how it was.</p> +<h3><a id="Religion_and_Fish" name="Religion_and_Fish">RELIGION AND +FISH.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Newspaper reports of the proceedings of the Sunday School +Association encamped on Lake Monona, at Madison, give about as many +particulars of big catches of fish as of sinners. The delegates +divide their time catching sinners on spoon-hooks and bringing +pickerel to repentance. Some of the good men hurry up their +prayers, and while the “Amen” is leaving their lips +they snatch a fish-pole in one hand and a baking-powder box full of +angle worms in the other, and light out for the Beautiful Beyond, +where the rock bass turn up sideways, and the wicked cease from +troubling.</p> +<p>Discussions on how to bring up children in the the way they +should go are broken into by a deacon with his nose peeled coining +up the bank with a string of perch in one hand, a broken fish-pole +in the other, and a pair of dropsical pantaloons dripping dirty +water into his shoes.</p> +<p>It is said to be a beautiful sight to see a truly good man +offering up supplications from under a wide-brimmed fishing hat, +and as he talks of the worm that never, or hardly ever dies, red +angle worms that have dug out of the piece of paper in which they +were rolled up are crawling out of his vest pocket. The good +brothers compare notes of good places to do missionary work, where +sinners are so thick you can knock them down with a club, and then +they get boats and row to some place on the lake where a local liar +has told them the fish are just sitting around on their haunches +waiting for some one to throw in a hook.</p> +<p>This mixing religion with fishing for black bass and pickerel is +a good thing for religion, and not a bad thing for the fish. Let +these Christian statesmen get “mashed” on the sport of +catching fish, and they will have more charity for the poor man +who, after working hard twelve hours a day for six days, goes out +on a lake Sunday and soaks a worm in the water and appeases the +appetite of a few of God’s hungry pike, and gets dinner for +himself in the bargain. While arguing that it is wrong to fish on +Sunday, they will be brought right close to the fish, and can see +better than before, that if a poor man is rowing a boat across a +lake on Sunday, and his hook hangs over the stern, with a piece of +liver on, and a fish that nature has made hungry tries to steal his +line and pole and liver, it is a duty he owes to society to take +that fish by the gills, put it in the boat and reason with it, and +try to show it that in leaving its devotions on a Sunday and +snapping at a poor man’s only hook, it was setting a bad +example.</p> +<p>These Sunday school people will have a nice time, and do a great +amount of good, if the fish continue to bite, and they can go home +with their hearts full of the grace of God, their stomachs full of +fish, their teeth full of bones; and if they fall out of the boats, +and their suspenders hold out, they may catch a basin full of eels +in the basement of their pantaloons. But we trust they will not try +to compete with the local sports in telling fish stories. That +would break up a whole Sunday school system.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Political_Outlook" name="The_Political_Outlook">THE +POLITICAL OUTLOOK.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>When you see an article in the editorial columns of a paper +headed, “The Political Outlook,” look at the bottom +line, and if it says “sold by all druggists,” +don’t read it. There is such an article going the rounds, +which is an advertisement of a patent medicine. It is a counterfeit +well calculated to deceive. Don’t read a political article +unless the owner’s name is blown in the bottle.</p> +<h3><a id="Rope_Ladders" name="Rope_Ladders">ROPE LADDERS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The law to compel hotel keepers to provide rope ladders for +every room above the second floor, is said not to be enforced, +though it should be by all means. The law ought to be amended so as +to compel guests to get up once or twice during the night and run +up or down the rope ladder, outside the window, in their night +clothes, so as to be in practice in case of fire. When every room +is provided with rope ladders there will be lots of fun. Those men +who invariably blow out the gas, will probably think they have got +to come down stairs on the rope ladder in the morning, and it will +take an extra clerk to stand in the alleys around a hotel, with a +shot gun, to keep impecunious guests from going away from the +tavern via rope ladder. And then imagine an Oshkosh man in a +Milwaukee hotel, his head full of big schemes, and his skin full of +beer. He has been on a “bum,” and is nervous, and on +being shown to his room he sees the rope ladder coiled up under the +window, ready to spring upon him. He stares at it, and the cold +sweat stands all over him. The rope ladder returns his gaze, and +seems to move and to crawl towards his feet. For a moment he is +powerless to move. His hair stands on end, his heart ceases to +beat, cold and warm chills follow each other down his trousers legs +and he clutches at the air, his eyes start from their sockets, and +just as the rope ladder is about to wind around him, and crush his +life out, he regains strength enough to rush down stairs head over +appetite, and tell the clerk about the menagerie up stairs. O, +there is going to be fun with these rope ladders, sure.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Doctor_of_Laws" name="A_Doctor_of_Laws">A DOCTOR OF +LAWS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A doctor at Ashland is also a Justice of the Peace, and when he +is called to visit a house he don’t know whether he is to +physic or to marry. Several times he has been called out in the +night, to the country, and he supposed some one must be awful sick, +and he took a cart load of medicines, only to find somebody wanted +marrying. He has been fooled so much that when he is called out now +he carries a pill-bag and a copy of the statutes, and tells them to +take their choice.</p> +<p>He was called to one house and found a girl who seemed feverish. +She was sitting up in a chair, dressed nicely, but he saw at once +that the fatal flush was on her cheek, and her eyes looked +peculiar. He felt of her pulse, and it was beating at the rate of +two hundred a minute. He asked her to run out her tongue, and she +run out eight or nine inches of the lower end of it. It was covered +with a black coating, and he shook his head and looked sad. She had +never been married any before, and supposed that it was necessary +for a Justice who was going to marry a couple to know all about +their physical condition, so she kept quiet and answered +questions.</p> +<p>She did not tell him that she had been eating huckleberry pie, +so he laid the coating on her tongue to some disease that was +undermining her constitution. He put his ear on her chest and +listened to the beating of her heart, and shook his head again. He +asked her if she had been exposed to any contagious disease. She +didn’t know what a contagious disease was, but on the +hypothesis that he had reference to sparking, she blushed and said +she had, but only two evenings, because John had only just got back +from the woods where he had been chopping, and she had to sit up +with him.</p> +<p>The doctor got out his pill bags and made some quinine powders, +and gave her some medicine in two tumblers, to be taken +alternately, and told her to soak her feet and go to bed, and put a +hot mustard plaster on her chest, and some onions around her +neck.</p> +<p>She was mad, and flared right up, and said she wasn’t very +well posted, and lived in the country, but if she knew her own +heart she would not play such a trick as that on a new husband.</p> +<p>The doctor got mad, and asked her if she thought he didn’t +understand his business; and he was about to go and let her die, +when the bridegroom came in and told him to go ahead with the +marrying. The doc. said that altered the case. He said next time he +came he should know what to bring, and then she blushed, and told +him he was an old fool anyway, but he pronounced them man and wife, +and said the prescription would be five dollars, the same as though +there had been somebody sick.</p> +<p>But the doc. had cheek. Just as he was leaving he asked the +bridegroom if he didn’t want to ride up to Ashland with him, +it was only eighteen miles, and the ride would be lonesome, but the +bride said not if the court knew herself, and the bridegroom said +now he was there he guessed he would stay. He said he didn’t +care much about going to Ashland anyway.</p> +<h3><a id="Comforting_Compensations" name= +"Comforting_Compensations">COMFORTING COMPENSATIONS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>If a farmer’s wheat is killed by rain, he is consoled by +the fact that rain is just what his corn needs. If his cattle die +of disease, his consolation lies in the hope that pork will bring a +good price. If boys steal his watermelons, he knows by experience +that they will have the cholera morbus. So everything that is +unpleasant has its compensation.</p> +<h3><a id="Laying_up_Apples_in_Heaven" name= +"Laying_up_Apples_in_Heaven">LAY UP APPLES IN HEAVEN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>They tell a good story at Portage City, at the expense of +Senator Barden, or a minister, we don’t know which. Barden +had a lot of apples sent him last fall, and he was anxious to sell +them, before winter set in. One day he thought of a new minister +that had settled in Portage, so he made up his mind to take him up +a couple of barrels, supposing that when he went to heaven and saw +the big ledger opened, there would be a credit about as +follows:</p> +<table summary="Barden's account" style="width:70%;margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td colspan="5"> +<p class="cen">L.W. BARDEN,<br /> +in acc't with Providence,</p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" style="text-align:right;">1876.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Oct.</td> +<td>21.</td> +<td>By</td> +<td>two bbls. apples, @ $3</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">$6.00</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">"</td> +<td style="text-align:center;">"</td> +<td style="text-align:center;">"</td> +<td>drayage</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">.30</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td></td> +<td></td> +<td style="text-align:center;">Total</td> +<td style="text-align:right;border-top:solid 1px;">$6.30</td> +</tr> +</table> +<div class="figright" style="clear:left;"><a href= +"images/175.png"><img src="images/175.png" alt= +"A man yells at a drayman from a house." id="img175" name="img175" +width="100%" /></a> +<p>NO MORE APPLES FOR THE MINISTER.</p> +</div> +<p>Barden loaded them on a dray, and got on it, with his pants in +his boots, and went up to deliver them himself. He stopped at the +minister’s gate, and hurried the apples off and rolled them +inside the gate, and tried to get away before the minister had time +to thank him. Just as he was about to drive away the door opened +and the man of God came out, and says he:</p> +<p>“Look here! You put them apples in the cellar!”</p> +<p>Barden told him he was in something of a hurry, and really he +could not spare the time. The minister raised his voice to a sort +of “auction pitch,” and said:</p> +<p>“Here, now. You don’t know your business, Mr. +Drayman. You roll them apples into the cellar, or I won’t +accept them.”</p> +<p>The senator was by this time as mad as senators usually get. He +jumped off the dray, threw the two barrels of apples on, and drove +off, saying he didn’t care a continental dam if the minister +eat dried apples all winter. And he took them back to his store, +and it is safe to say that he will not give many more apples to +that minister.</p> +<p>MORAL:—Never despise a man because he wears a ragged coat, +for he may be a senatorial granger angel in the disguise of a +drayman. And you may have to fill up on turnips instead of +apples.</p> +<h3><a id="One_of_Beechers_Converts" name= +"One_of_Beechers_Converts">ONE OF BEECHER’S +CONVERTS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Since Beecher, the great revivalist, was here, and spoke so +eloquently on the fall of man, and the need of making arrangements +for the future, I have become a changed man. It hurts me to lie +now, and when anything hurts, then I quit. It is wrong to lie, and +a man who follows it up will come to some bad end.</p> +<h3><a id="Buying_a_Stone_Crusher" name= +"Buying_a_Stone_Crusher">BUYING A STONE CRUSHER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The proceedings of the council of the city of Milwaukee shows +that the aldermen are about to buy a stone crusher, to be run by +steam, for the purpose of crushing stones to be used on the +streets. If the city has never indulged in the luxury of a stone +crusher, it should interview some city that has owned one, before +it closes a contract with any party that wants to sell one. Every +party that owns one does want to sell it. Statistics show that. The +first city in Wisconsin that bought one was Madison. The city owned +it for a year or two, and after that no man that was in the council +when it was bought could ever get in it again. The mayor that +winked at the purchase of the stone crusher was defeated, and there +was trouble. No person would ever say what was the matter, but you +say “stone crusher” to a citizen of Madison, and he +would reach his right hand around to his pistol pocket, and the +conversation would cease.</p> +<p>La Crosse heard that Madison had a stone crusher, and so she +wanted one. La Crosse is bound to have anything that any other town +has, whether it is a railroad, an insane asylum, or a speckled hen. +La Crosse could have bought Madison’s stone crusher at a +discount, but she wanted one new, with the paint all on, fresh. +Second-hand stone crusher? Not any for La Crosse. So the city +ordered a brand new one, right from the mint, at an expense of +about $5,000.</p> +<p>The idea was that it would be about as big as a straw cutter, or +a job press, and people were anxious to see it work.</p> +<p>Finally the city was notified that one train of cars loaded with +the stone crusher had arrived, with red flags on, betokening extra +trains running wild behind, and the city was told to come down to +the depot and pay the first installment of freight, and take the +stone crusher away—that part of it that had arrived. The +aldermen went down and took an inventory of the hardware, and some +of them went and jumped in the river. At a cent a pound one can buy +a good deal of cast iron for five thousand dollars. The city bonded +itself, and paid the freight, and during the spring all of the +trains loaded with the stone crusher arrived. It was argued that +the only way to get the stone crusher up to the city building would +be to give the railroad the right of way up town, right through +Main street.</p> +<p>Some were in favor of letting the railroad company keep it for +freight, but the company threatened to get out an injunction on the +city. Finally a man who took contracts to move brick buildings +agreed to move it up town on shares, and during the summer the most +of it was got up there and corded up on some vacant lots. If all +the cast iron in it came out of one mine it must have been an +immense mine. People would look at it and weep. Every alderman +swore he voted against buying it. Occasionally some one in the +council would suggest that the stone crusher be taken out to the +bluffs, a couple of miles, and set to work, when another one would +move, to amend by inserting a clause that the bluffs be moved into +the city to be crushed, as it would save expense. Then the matter +would drop. For three years that stone crusher stood there, and it +never crushed a pebble. New mayors and aldermen were elected, and +every day they passed that crusher, but they never spoke to it. +Finally a job was put up to get rid of it. There was a man there +who owned a stone quarry, and it occurred to somebody to sell it to +him. He was a truly good man, and did not believe there were any +bad men in the world, who would kanoodle him with a stone crusher. +A committee was appointed to sell it to him. The committee was +composed of men who had traded horses, sold lightning rods, and +been insurance agents, and when they told the poor man that the +city had noticed that he was a deserving man, that they had decided +to help him along, and would sell him that stone crusher, and he +could pay for it in crushed stone, and the city would pay him in +cash half a dollar more than the stone was worth, he said he would +take it. They got it on to him by buying crushed stone of him and +paying cash for it.</p> +<p>We have never heard whether the man lived or not, and have never +heard whether the city bought any stone of him, but the city got +rid of it, and then had a celebration. Why, they figured it up, and +the thing could crush enough stone in twenty-four hours to pave the +streets a foot thick all over town and thirteen miles in the +country. To run it a week would bankrupt the State of Wisconsin, It +could go up to the stone quarry and tunnel a hole right through the +hill. It was the biggest elephant that ever a city drew in a +legalized lottery. Milwaukee will make money if she does not buy a +stone crusher, not as long as it can buy stone in the rough, and +have it crushed by tramps, at nothing a day.</p> +<h3><a id="Merrie_Christmas" name="Merrie_Christmas">MERRIE +CHRISTMAS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>What proportion of the people who wish each other merry +Christmas, do you suppose think of the reason that the day is a +holiday? Not one in a thousand. Do the young fellows who put on a +clean shirt and go down town and play pool all day, and drink +yellow stuff out of a shaving cup, and get chalk on their fingers, +and eat liver sausage, think that Christ died to save them? No! All +they think of is the prospect of sticking some other fellow for the +game. Do the hundreds of thousands of people who get up a big feed, +and gormandize, think of Christ, or the poor all about them who +have little to eat to-day, and little prospect of more to eat +to-morrow? Many of them do not think of the poor, or of anything +else except to prospect upon how much they will hold and not get +sick.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Difference_in_Horses" name= +"The_Difference_in_Horses">THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There has been a great change in livery horses within the last +twenty years. Years ago, if a young fellow wanted to take his girl +out riding, and expected to enjoy himself, he had to hire an old +horse, the worst in the livery stable, that would drive itself, or +he never could get his arm around his girl to save him. If he took +a decent looking team, to put on style, he had to hang on to the +lines with both hands, and if he even took his eyes off the team to +look at the suffering girl beside him, with his mouth, the chances +were that the team would jump over a ditch, or run away, at the +concussion. Riding out with girls was shorn of much of its pleasure +in those days.</p> +<p>We knew a young man that was going to put one arm around his +girl if he did not lay up a cent, and it cost him over three +hundred dollars. The team ran away, the buggy was wrecked, one +horse was killed, the girl had her hind leg broken, and the +girl’s father kicked the young man all over the orchard, and +broke the mainspring of his watch.</p> +<p>It got so that the livery rig a young man drove was an index to +his thoughts. If he had a stylish team that was right up on the +bit, and full of vinegar, and he braced himself and pulled for all +that was out, and the girl sat back in the corner of the buggy, +looking as though she should faint away if a horse got his tail +over a line, then people said that couple was all right, and there +was no danger that they would be on familiar terms.</p> +<p>But if they started out with a slow old horse that looked as +though all he wanted was to be left alone, however innocent the +party might look, people knew just as well as though they had seen +it, that when they got out on the road, or when night came on, that +fellow’s arm would steal around her waist, and she would snug +up to him, and—Oh, pshaw, you have heard it before.</p> +<p>Well, late years the livery men have “got onto the +racket,” as they say at the church sociables, They have found +that horses that know their business are in demand, and so horses +are trained for this purpose. They are trained on purpose for +out-door sparking. It is not an uncommon thing to see a young +fellow drive up to the house where his girl lives with a team that +is just tearing things. They prance, and champ the bit, and the +young man seems to pull on them as though his liver was coming out. +The horses will hardly stand still long enough for the girl to get +in, and then they start off and seem to split the air wide open, +and the neighbors say, “Them children will get all smashed up +one of these days.”</p> +<p>The girl’s mother and father see the team start, and their +minds experience a relief as they reflect that “as long as +John drives that frisky team there can’t be no hugging a +going on.” The girl’s older sister sighs and says, +“That’s so,” and goes to her room and laughs +right out loud.</p> +<p>It would be instructive to the scientists to watch that team for +a few miles. The horses fairly foam, before they get out of town, +but striking the country road, the fiery steeds come down to a +walk, and they mope along as though they had always worked on a +hearse. The shady woods are reached, and the carriage scarcely +moves, and the horses seem to be walking in their sleep. The lines +are loose on the dash board, and the left arm of the driver is +around the pretty girl, and they are talking low. It is not +necessary to talk loud, as they are so near each other that the +faintest whisper can be heard.</p> +<p>But a change comes over them. A carriage appears in front, +coming towards them. It may be someone that knows them. The young +man picks up the lines, and the horses are in the air, and as they +pass the other carriage it almost seems as though the team is +running away, and the girl that was in sweet repose a moment before +acts as though she wanted to get out. After passing the intruder +the walk and conversation are continued.</p> +<p>If you meet the party on the Whitefish Bay road at 10 +o’clock at night, the horses are walking as quietly as oxen, +and they never wake up until coming into town, and then he pulls up +the team and drives through the town like a cyclone, and when he +drives up to the house the old man is on the steps, and he thinks +John must be awful tired trying to hold that team. And he is.</p> +<p>It is thought by some that horses have no intelligence, but a +team that knows enough to take in a sporadic case of buggy sparking +has got sense. These teams come high, but the boys have to have +them.</p> +<h3><a id="Base_Ingratitude" name="Base_Ingratitude">BASE +INGRATITUDE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>I remember once of offering a lady from Eau Claire a slice of +bread and a half of a red onion in a railroad car. She looked +hungry, and yet she said she didn’t care to eat. Thinking she +had a delicacy about accepting food at the hands of one who was +almost a stranger to her, I turned the bread and onion into her +lap, and said she was entirely welcome to it. What did she do? +Instead of eating it, and thanking me, she threw it out of the +window, and went and sat by the stove. I was never so offended in +my life. That woman may see the time she will want that onion, and +I would see her almost perish of starvation before she could have +any more of my onion.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Difference" name="The_Difference">THE +DIFFERENCE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>One of the great female writers on dress reform, in trying to +illustrate how terrible the female dress is, says:</p> +<p>“Take a man and pin three or four table cloths about him, +fastened back with elastic, and looped up with ribbons, draw all +his hair to the middle of his head and tie it tight, and hairpin on +five pounds of other hair and a big bow of ribbon. Keep the front +locks on pins all night, and let them tickle his eyes all day, +pinch his waist into a corset, and give him gloves a size too +small, and shoes the same, and a hat that will not stay on without +torturing elastic, and a little lace veil to blind his eyes +whenever he goes out to walk, and he will know what a woman’s +dress is.”</p> +<p>Now you think you have done it, don’t you sis? Why, bless +you, that toggery would be heaven compared to what a man has to +contend with. Take a woman and put a pair of men’s four +shilling drawers on her that are so tight that when they get damp, +from perspiration, sis, they stick so you can’t cross your +legs without an abrasion of the skin, the buckle in the back +turning a somersault and sticking its points into your spinal +meningitis; put on an undershirt that draws across the chest so you +feel as though you must cut a hole in it, or two, and which is so +short that it works up under your arms, and allows the starched +upper shirt to sand paper around and file off the skin until you +wish it was night, the tail of which will not stay tucked more than +half a block, though you tuck, and tuck, and tuck; and then fasten +a collar made of sheet zinc, two sizes too small for you, around +your neck, put on vest and coat, and liver pad and lung pad and +stomach pad, and a porous plaster, and a chemise shirt between the +two others, and rub on some liniment, and put a bunch of keys and a +jack-knife and a button hook, and a pocket-book and a pistol and a +plug of tobacco in your pockets, so they will chafe your person, +and then go and drink a few whiskey cocktails, and walk around in +the sun with tight boots on, sis, and then you will know what a +man’s dress is.</p> +<p>Come to figure it up, it is about an even thing, +sis,—isn’t it?</p> +<h3><a id="Those_Step_Ladders" name="Those_Step_Ladders">THOSE STEP +LADDERS!</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There has got to be a law passed to punish the hardware dealers +for selling those step ladders that shut up like a jack-knife. A +Ninth Street woman got onto one the other afternoon when it looked +as though there was going to be a frost, to take her ivies down and +carry them in the house. We don’t care how handsome a woman +is naturally, you put a towel around her head and put her up on a +step ladder about seven feet high, with a tomahawk in her left +hand, trying to draw a big nail out of a post on a veranda, and she +looks like thunder. This woman did. Her husband tried to get her to +let him do the work, but she said a man never knew how to do +anything, anyway. So he sat down on the steps to see how it would +turn out. She said afterwards that he kicked the ladder, but +however that may be, there was an earthquake, and when he looked up +the air was filled with calico, toweling, striped stockings, +polonaise, trailing arbutus, red petticoats, store hair and step +ladder. He said the step ladder struck the veranda last, but as he +picked her off of it, it seemed as though it must have lit first. +He said the step ladder must have kicked up. In coming down she run +one leg through the baby wagon, and the other through some flower +pots, and a boy who was passing along said he guess she had been to +the turning school.</p> +<h3><a id="Wonders_of_the_Stage" name= +"Wonders_of_the_Stage">WONDERS OF THE STAGE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is no person in the world who is easier to overlook the +inconsistencies that show themselves on the stage at theatres than +we are, but once in a while there is something so glaring that it +pains us. We have seen actors fight a duel in a piece of woods far +away from any town, on the stage, and when one of them fell, +pierced to the heart with a sword, we have noticed that he fell on +a Brussels carpet. That is all wrong, but we have stood it +manfully.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/185.png"><img src= +"images/185.png" alt= +"A woman sits on a backwards chair and drinks from a bottle." id= +"img185" name="img185" width="80%" /></a> +<p>BEHIND THE SCENES.</p> +</div> +<p>We have seen a woman on the stage who was so beautiful that we +could be easily mashed if we had any heart left to spare. Her eyes +were of that heavenly color that has been written about heretofore, +and her smile as sweet as ever was seen, but behind the scenes, +through the wings, we have seen her trying to dig the cork out of a +beer bottle with a pair of shears, and ask a supe, in harsh tones, +where the cork-screw was, while she spread mustard on a piece of +cheese, and finally drank the beer from the bottle, and spit the +pieces of cork out on the floor, sitting astride of a stage chair, +and her boot heels up on the top round, her trail rolled up into a +ball, wrong side out, showing dirt from forty different stage +floors.</p> +<p>These things hurt. But the worst thing that has ever occurred to +knock the romance out of us, was to see a girl in the second act, +after “twelve years is supposed to elapse,” with the +same pair of red stockings on that she wore in the first act, +twelve years before. Now, what kind of a way is that? It does not +stand to reason that a girl would wear the same pair of stockings +twelve years. Even if she had them washed once in six months, they +would be worn out. People notice these things.</p> +<p>What the actresses of this country need is to change their +stockings. To wear them twelve years even in their minds, shows an +inattention to the details and probabilities, of a play, that must +do the actresses an injury, if not give them corns. Let +theatre-goers insist that the stockings be changed oftener, in +these plays that sometimes cover half a century, and the stockings +will not become moth-eaten. Girls, look to the little details. Look +to the stockings, as your audiences do, and you will see how it is +yourselves.</p> +<h3><a id="How_Farmers_May_Get_Rich" name= +"How_Farmers_May_Get_Rich">HOW FARMERS MAY GET RICH.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The artificial propagation of fish has attracted much attention +of late years, and the success of experiments has shown that every +farmer that has a stream of water on his land can raise fish enough +to get rich in five years, four months and twenty-one days.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Case_of_Paralysis" name="A_Case_of_Paralysis">A CASE +OF PARALYSIS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>About as mean a trick as we ever heard of was perpetrated by a +doctor at Hudson last Sunday. The victim was a justice of the peace +named Evans. Mr. Evans is a man who has the alfiredest biggest feet +east of St. Paul, and when he gets a new pair of shoes it is an +event that has its effect on the leather market.</p> +<p>Last winter he advertised for sealed proposals to erect a pair +of shoes for him, and when the bids were opened it was found that a +local architect in leather had secured the contract, and after +mortgaging his house to a Milwaukee tannery, and borrowing some +money on his diamonds of his “uncle,” John Comstock, +who keeps a pawnbrokery there, he broke ground for the shoes.</p> +<p>Owing to the snow blockade and the freshets, and the trouble to +get hands who would work on the dome, there were several delays, +and Judge Evans was at one time inclined to cancel the contract, +and put some strings in box cars and wear them in place of shoes, +but sympathy for the contractor, who had his little awl invested in +the material and labor, induced him to put up with the delay.</p> +<p>On Saturday the shoes were completed, all except laying the +floor and putting on a couple of bay windows for corns and +conservatories for bunions, and the judge concluded to wear them on +Sunday. He put them on, but got the right one on the left foot, and +the left one on the right foot. As he walked down town the right +foot was continually getting on the left side, and he stumbled over +himself, and he felt pains in his feet. The judge was frightened in +a minute. He is afraid of paralysis, all the boys know it, and when +he told a wicked Republican named Spencer how his feet felt, that +degraded man told the judge that it was one of the surest symptoms +of paralysis in the world, and advised him to hunt a doctor.</p> +<p>The judge pranced off, interfering at every step, skinning his +shins, and found Dr. Hoyt. The doctor is one of the worst men in +the world, and when he saw how the shoes were put on he told the +judge that his case was hopeless unless something was done +immediately. The judge turned pale, the sweat poured out of him, +and taking out his purse he gave the doctor five dollars and asked +him what he should do. The doctor felt his pulse, looked at his +tongue, listened at his heart, shook his head, and then told the +judge that he would be a dead man in less than sixty years if he +didn’t change his shoes.</p> +<p>The judge looked down at the vast expanse of leather, both +sections pointing inwardly, and said, “Well, dam a +fool,” and “changed cars” at the junction. As he +got them on the right feet, and hired a raftsman to tie them up for +him, he said he would get even with the doctor if he had to catch +the small pox. O, we suppose they have more fun in some of these +country towns than you can shake a stick at.</p> +<h3><a id="We_Will_Celebrate" name="We_Will_Celebrate">WE WILL +CELEBRATE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>With so many new holidays, and so many new people, it is hardly +to be wondered at that the day of all days, the day that should be +dearest to the heart of every American, is in danger of being +passed over in silence, and were it not for the fire cracker, that +begins to get in its work about the first of June, in many +instances this Anniversary of American Independence would be passed +without the customary mouth shootzen-fest from alleged orators, but +when the small boy begins to stir around and clandestinely look +down the muzzle of the always loaded fire cracker, the patriotism +of the boys still begins to assert itself, the old man’s eyes +begin to snap, and he talks to his neighbor about how they used to +celebrate when he was a boy, the stuff begins to work over the +neighborhood, the village catches it, the country begins.</p> +<h3><a id="Dogs_and_Human_Beings" name="Dogs_and_Human_Beings">DOGS +AND HUMAN BEINGS!</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Lorillard, the New York tobacco man, had a poodle dog stolen, +and has offered a reward of five hundred dollars for the arrest of +the thief, and he informs a reporter that he will spend $10,000, if +necessary, for the capture and conviction of the thief. +[Applause.]</p> +<p>The applause marked in there will be from human skye terriers, +who have forgotten that only a few weeks ago several hundred girls, +who had been working in Lorillard’s factory, went on a strike +because as they allege, they were treated like dogs. We doubt if +they were treated as well as this poodle was treated. We doubt, in +case one of these poor, virtuous girls was kidnapped, if the great +Lorillard would have offered as big a reward for the conviction of +the human thief, as he has for the conviction of the person who has +eloped with his poodle.</p> +<p>We hope that the aristocracy of this country will never get to +valuing a dog higher than it does a human being. When it gets so +that a rich person would not permit a poodle to do the work in a +tobacco factory that a poor girl does to support a sick mother, +hell had better be opened for summer boarders. When girls work ten +hours a day stripping nasty tobacco, and find at the end of the +week that the fines for speaking are larger than the wages, and the +fines go for the conviction of thieves who steal the girl’s +master’s dog, no one need come around here lecturing at a +dollar a head and telling us there is no hell.</p> +<p>When a poor girl, who has gone creeping to her work at daylight, +looks out of the window at noon to see her master’s carriage +go by, in which there is a five hundred dollar dog with a hundred +dollar blanket on, and a collar set with diamonds, lolling on satin +cushions, and the girl is fined ten cents for looking out of, the +window, you don’t want to fool away any time trying to get us +to go to a heaven where such heartless employers are expected.</p> +<p>It is seldom the <em>Sun</em> gets on its ear, but it can say +with great fervency, “Damn a man that will work poor girls +like slaves, and pay them next to nothing, and spend ten thousand +dollars to catch a dog-thief!” If these sentiments are +sinful, and for expressing them we are a candidate for fire and +brimstone, it is all right, and the devil can stoke up and make up +our bunk when he hears that we are on the through train.</p> +<p>It seems now—though we may change our mind the first day +at the fire—as though we had rather be in hades with a +hundred million people who have always done the square thing, than +to be in any heaven that will pass a man in who has starved the +poor and paid ten thousand dollars to catch a dog-thief. We could +have a confounded sight better time, even if we had our ulster all +burned off. It would be worth the price of admission to stand with +our back to the fire, and as we began to smell woolen burning near +the pistol pocket, to make up faces at the ten-thousand-dollar-dog +millionaires that were putting on style at the other place.</p> +<h3><a id="An_Odorous_Bohemian" name="An_Odorous_Bohemian">AN +ODOROUS BOHEMIAN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A Bohemian on the train last night had some cheese in his vest +pocket that was too ripe, and the conductor had to disinfect the +car, and order the Bohemian to be quarantined before the train +would be allowed to enter the city. Cheese is all right in its +place, but it don’t want to be allowed to lay above ground +too long after it has departed this life. If farmers will pay a +little attention to cheese in its different stages, much trouble +can be avoided. In union there is strength. So there is in a +smoking car.</p> +<h3><a id="Tragedy_on_the_Stage" name= +"Tragedy_on_the_Stage">TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The tendency of the stage is to present practical, everyday +affairs in plays, and those are the most successful which are the +most natural. The shoeing of a horse on the stage in a play +attracts the attention of the audience wonderfully, and draws well. +The inner workings of a brewery, or a mill, is a big card, but +there is hardly enough tragedy about it. If they could run a man or +two through the wheel, and have them cut up into hash, or have them +drowned in a beer vat, audiences could applaud as they do when +eight or nine persons are stabbed, poisoned or beheaded in the +Hamlets and Three Richards, where corpses are piled up on top of +each other.</p> +<p>What the people want is a compromise between old tragedy and new +comedy. Now, if some manager could have a love play, where the +heroine goes into a slaughter house to talk love to the butcher, +instead of a blacksmith shop or a brewery, it would take. A scene +could be set for a slaughter house, with all the paraphernalia for +killing cattle, and supe butchers to stand around the star butcher +with cleavers and knives.</p> +<p>The star butcher could sit on a barrel of pigs’ feet, or a +pile of heads and horns, and soliloquize over his unrequitted love, +as he sharpened a butcher knife on his boot. The hour for +slaughtering having arrived, cattle could be driven upon the stage, +the star could knock down a steer and cut its throat, and hang it +up by the hind legs and skin it, with the audience looking on +breathlessly.</p> +<p>As he was about to cut open the body of the dead animal, the +orchestra could suddenly break the stillness, and the heroine could +waltz out from behind a lot of dried meat hanging up at one side, +dressed in a lavender satin princess dress, <em>en train</em>, with +a white reception hat with ostrich feathers, and, wading through +the blood of the steer on the carpet, shout, “Stay your hand, +Reginald!”</p> +<p>The star butcher could stop, wipe his knife on his apron, motion +to the supe butchers to leave, and he would take three strides +through the blood and hair, to the side of the heroine, take her by +the wrist with his bloody hand, and shout, “What wiltest +thou, Mary Anderson de Montmorence?” Then they could sit down +on a box of intestines and liver and things and talk it over, and +the curtain could go down with the heroine swooning in the arms of +the butcher.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/192.png"><img src= +"images/192.png" alt="A man in on stage stabs at a bull." id= +"img192" name="img192" width="80%" /></a> +<p>JOHN MCCULLOUGH KILLING A TEXAS STEER.</p> +</div> +<p>Seven years could elapse between that act and the next, and a +scene could be laid in a boarding house, and some of the same beef +could be on the table, and all that. Of course we do not desire to +go into details. We are no play writer, but we know what takes. +People have got tired of imitation blood on the stage. They kick on +seeing a man killed in one act, and come out as good as new in the +next. Any good play writer can take the cue from this article and +give the country a play that will take the biscuit.</p> +<p>Imagine John McCullough, or Barrett, instead of killing Roman +supes with night gowns on, and bare legs, killing a Texas steer. +There’s where you would get the worth of your money. It would +make them show the metal within them, and they would have to dance +around to keep from getting a horn in their trousers. It does not +require any pluck to go out behind the scenes with a sword and kill +enough supes for a mess.</p> +<h3><a id="Granite_Head_Cheese" name="Granite_Head_Cheese">GRANITE +HEAD CHEESE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A few years ago there was some excitement at Grand Rapids over +the discovery of a bed or quarry of granite. Some of it was taken +out, from the top of the quarry, and polished, and proved to be as +fine as any that is imported. Further working of the quarry, +however, has developed a strange thing. The further they go down +the softer it is, and it has been learned that the quarry is all +head cheese, such as is sold by butchers. On top it is petrified, +and polishes very nicely, but a little below it is nice and fresh, +and can be cut out with a knife, all ready for the table. A friend +in Milwaukee, who has an uncle living at Grand Rapids, has +furnished us with a quantity of it, some of which we have eaten, +and were it not for the fact that we know it came from the quarry, +it would be hard to convince us that it was not concocted out of +the remains of a butcher shop. The people up there talk of running +Hon. J.N. Brundage for Congress, on the head cheese ticket, in +order that he may use his influence to get head cheese adopted as +an army ration, and also as currency with which to wipe out the +national debt.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_an_Inventor" name="His_Pa_an_Inventor">HIS PA AN +INVENTOR.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“Ha! Ha! Now I have got you,” said the grocery man +to the had boy, the other morning, as he came in and jumped upon +the counter and tied the end of a ball of twine to the tail of a +dog, and “sicked” the dog on another dog that was +following a passing sleigh, causing the twine to pay out until the +whole ball was scattered along the block. “Condemn you, +I’ve a notion to choke the liver out of you. Who tied that +twine to the dog’s tail?”</p> +<p>The boy choked up with emotion, and the tears came into his +eyes, and he said he didn’t know anything about the twine or +the dog. He said he noticed the dog come in, and wag his tail +around the twine, but he supposed the dog was a friend of the +family, and did not disturb him. “Everybody lays everything +that is done to me,” said the boy, as he put his handkerchief +to his nose, “and, they will be sorry for it when I die. I +have a good notion to poison myself by eating some of your glucose +sugar.”</p> +<p>“Yes, and you do about everything that is mean. The other +day a lady came in and told me to send up to her house, some of my +country sausage, done up in muslin bags, and while she was +examining it she noticed something hard inside the bags, and asked +me what it was, and I opened it, and I hope to die if there +wasn’t a little brass padlock and a piece of red morocco dog +collar imbedded in the sausage. Now how do you suppose that got in +there?” and the grocery man looked savage.</p> +<p>The boy looked interested, and put on an expression as though in +deep thought, and finally said, “I suppose the farmer that +put up the sausage did not strain the dog meat. Sausage meat ought +to be strained.”</p> +<p>The grocery man pulled in about half a block of twine, after the +dog had run against a fence and broke it, and told the boy he knew +perfectly well how the brass padlock came to be in the sausage, but +thinking it was safer to have the good will of the boy than the ill +will, he offered him a handful of prunes.</p> +<p>“No,” said the boy, “I have swore off on +mouldy prunes. I am no kinder-garden any more. For years I have +eaten rotten peaches around this store, and everything you +couldn’t sell, but I have turned over a new leaf now, and +after this nothing is too good for me. Since Pa has got to be an +inventor, we are going to live high.”</p> +<p>“What’s your Pa invented? I saw a hearse and three +hacks go up on your street the other day and I thought may be you +had killed your Pa.”</p> +<p>“Not much. There will be more than three hacks when I kill +Pa, and don’t you forget it. Well, sir, Pa has struck a +fortune, if he can make the thing work. He has got an idea about +coal stoves that will bring him several million dollars, if he gets +a royalty of five dollars on every cook stove in the world. His +idea is to have a coal stove on castors with the pipe made to +telescope out and in, and rubber hose for one joint, so you can +pull the stove all around the room and warm any particular place. +Well, sir, to hear Pa tell about it, you would think it would +revolutionize the country, and maybe it will when he gets it +perfected, but he came near burning the house up, and scared us +half to death this morning, and burned his shirt off, and he is all +covered with cotton with sweet oil on, and he smells like salad +dressing.</p> +<p>“You see Pa had a pipe made and some castors put on our +coal stove, and he tied a rope to the hearth of the stove, and had +me put in some kindling wood and coal last night, so he could draw +the stove up to the bed and light the fire without getting up. Ma +told him he would put his foot in it, and he told her to dry up, +and let him run the stove business. He said it took a man with +brain to run a patent right, and Ma she pulled the clothes over her +head and let Pa do the fire act. She has been building the fires +for twenty years, and thought she would let Pa see how good it was. +Well, Pa pulled the stove to the bed, and touched off the kindling +wood. I guess maybe I got a bundle of kindling wood that the hired +girl had put kerosene on, cause it blazed up awful and smoked, and +the blaze bursted out the doors and windows of the stove, and Pa +yelled fire, and I jumped out of bed and rushed in and he was the +scartest man you ever see, and you’d a dide to see how he +kicked when I threw a pail of water on his legs and put his shirt +out. Ma did not get burned, but she was pretty wet, and she told Pa +she would pay five dollars royalty on that stove and take the +castors off and let it remain stationary. Pa says he will make it +work if he burns the house down. I think it was real mean in Pa to +get mad at me because I threw cold water on him instead of warm +water, to put his shirt out. If I had waited till I could heat +water to the right temperature I would have been an orphan and Pa +would have been a burnt offering. But some men always kick at +everything. Pa has given up business entirely and says he shall +devote the remainder of his life curing himself of the different +troubles that I get him into. He has retained a doctor by the year, +and he buys liniment by the gallon.</p> +<p>“What was it about your folks getting up in the middle of +the night to eat? The hired girl was over here after some soap the +other morning, and she said she was going to leave your +house.”</p> +<p>“Well, that was a picnic. Pa said he wanted breakfast +earlier than we was in the habit of having it, and he said I might +see to it that the house was awake early enough. The other night I +awoke with the awfulest pain you ever heard of. It was that night +that you give me and my chum the bottle of pickled oysters that had +begun to work. Well, I could’t sleep, and I thought I would +call the hired girls, and they got up and got breakfast to going, +and then I rapped on Pa’s and Ma’s door and told them +the breakfast was getting cold, and they got up and came down. We +ate breakfast by gas light, and Pa yawned and said it made a man +feel good to get up and get ready for work before daylight, the way +he used to on the farm, and Ma she yawned and agreed with Pa, +’cause she has to, or have a row. After breakfast we sat +around for an hour, and Pa said it was a long time getting +daylight, and bimeby Pa looked at his watch. When he began to pull +out his watch I lit out and hid in the storeroom, and pretty soon I +heard Pa and Ma come up stairs and go to bed, and then the hired +girls, they went to bed, and when it was all still, and the pain +had stopped inside of my clothes, I went to bed, and I looked to +see what time it was and it was two o’clock in the morning. +We got dinner at eight o’clock in the morning, and Pa said he +guessed he would call up the house after this, so I have lost +another job, and it was all on account of that bottle of pickled +oysters you gave me. My chum says he had colic too, but he +didn’t call up his folks. It was all he could do to get up +himself. Why don’t you give away something that is not +spiled?”</p> +<p>The groceryman said he guessed he knew what to give away, and +the boy went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery, that +he had made on wrapping paper with red chalk, which read, +“Rotten eggs, good enough for custard pies, for 18 cents a +dozen.”</p> +<h3><a id="A_Good_Land_Enough" name="A_Good_Land_Enough">A GOOD +LAND ENOUGH.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>This land of the free is good enough, if we make it good, and if +we make it bad, it is just as bad as any country under the sun. It +all depends on how the people act.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Woodcock" name="The_Woodcock">THE WOODCOCK.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>It is a rainy day, and nothing has occurred of a local nature, +that is, nothing of a hair standing nature, so we will just spoil a +few sheets of paper relating, in a Sunday School book style, the +circumstances of an excursion after woodcock, the other day, +indulged in by W.C. Root, the Wisconsin amateur Bogardus, Jennings +McDonald, Captain of a breech-loading steamboat, and the +subscriber. In the first place, it may be well to state that the +woodcock, or “Timber Doodle,” as Prof. Agassiz calls +it, is a game bird. We know it is a game bird, because they charge +a dollar apiece for them in New York. The meat is about as sweet as +deceased cow’s liver, but they are worth a dollar apiece. The +“Timber Doodle” is a patriotic bird, because he gets +ripe on the 4th of July. He is about the size of a doughnut, with a +long bill, like a lawyer.</p> +<p>We took passage per skiff at twelve o’clock. If there was +one drawback, it was the fact that the oar-locks of the boat had +been mislaid. After consuming an hour in not finding them, Frank +Hatch became discouraged at seeing us lay around the levee, so he +tied the oars on with tarred rope and we got off, three of us +besides the other dogs. The water was so high that we crossed +Barron’s island, only having to get out and pull the boat +over two or three sand-bars and a raft or two. Every time we got +out to pull the boat, the dogs would get out to look for woodcock, +around the stumps, and when they got in the boat would be full of +water and mud, and of course we had our best clothes on. Did it +ever occur to you how much water a dog could carry in his hair? A +dog is worse than a sponge. An ordinary dog, with luck, can fill a +skiff with water at two jumps. Not, however, with us in the boat to +bail out the water. The woodcock’s tail sticks up like a sore +thumb. We are thus particular to describe the woodcock, so if you +ever see one you can go right away from him. Woodcock and +mosquitoes are in “cahoots.” While the woodcock bores +in the ground for snakes and other feed that makes him fat and +worth a dollar in New York, the mosquito stands on the ramparts and +talks to the boys.</p> +<p>Well, speaking about woodcock, after riding five miles, through +bushes, brambles and things, we got out of the boat and only had to +walk a couple of miles to get where the birds were. Right here we +wish to state that we shouldn’t have gone after the woodcock +at all, only everybody said it was such fun. Root showed us a +picture of a woodcock in a book, and if that didn’t convince +us, the fact that a small boy came in town and sold three dozen, +did. Then we wanted to go. There never has been a year when +woodcock were so plenty at places we didn’t visit. The most +fun was at a ditch which was about a foot wider than any of us +could jump. Root gave his gun to McDonald and plunged in. Then +McDonald threw a gun to Root. It hit him on the thumb-nail and +dropped in the ditch out of sight. Mc. thought it was Root’s +gun, and he apologized to Root for throwing it so carelessly. Root +supposed it was Mc.’s gun, and he apologized for not catching +it. We never saw men more polite in the world. Mc. started to jump +across, when a dog got between his legs, and both went in up to +their knees. You never can jump as well with a dog tangled up +amongst your legs. The dog looked at Jennings as though he wanted +to swear. We waded through the ditch and only got two feet wet. The +rest of them had more than that wet.</p> +<p>But about the woodcock. This is, kind reader, purely a woodcock +story, and more or less must be said about the dollar bird. But +this is neither here nor there. It was over in the Root river +bottoms. Finally we got on the woodcock ground and went to work. +Talk about mosquitoes! There was no end to them. We ought not to +say that, either, because there are spots on our person that just +fit the end of a mosquito. There was an end to them. If you never +saw mosquitoes in convention, you want to go over there. And right +here we will give a recipe for keeping mosquitoes from biting. You +take some cedar oil and put on your coat collar, if you are a man, +and if you are a woman put it on that gingerbread work around your +neck, and a mosquito will come up and sing to you and get all ready +to take toll, when she will smell that oil. She is the sickest +mosquito you ever saw. She turns over on her back and sends her +husband for the nearest doctor. We had a bottle of cedar oil, and +if Jennings hadn’t left it hanging up in Hogan’s store +in his coat, we should have made those mosquitoes sick. As it was +they did it to us. There isn’t a spot on us as big as a +billiard table but what you can find artesian wells made by +mosquitoes.</p> +<p>Woodcock sell higher in the market than any other bird. Lots of +people that never saw them eat snakes, eat them. When they get up +to fly they talk Bohemian, and get behind a bush. You shoot right +into the bush, and if you kill one you think you are a good shot. +Talk about getting tired. You walk around in the woods several +miles, with mosquitoes getting acquainted with you, and all the +time your nerves strung up in anticipation of seeing a dollar bill +fly up, and if you don’t sleep without rocking, we are no +prophet. The sport, however, is exhilerating, and we are glad we +went. We are glad because it learned us one thing, and that is, if +we ever want a woodcock real bad, it will be cheaper, easier, and +better to buy it. It will be inferred that we did not see a +woodcock. Such is the case.</p> +<p>But we made the blackbirds sick.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Bald-headed_Man_Most_Crazy" name= +"A_Bald-headed_Man_Most_Crazy">A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST +CRAZY.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 +o’clock in the morning, and when we put our ear to the +earaphone, and our mouth to the mouthaphone, and asked what was the +matter, a still small voice, evidently that of a lady, said, +“Julia has got worms, doctor.”</p> +<p>We were somewhat taken back, but supposing Julia was going +fishing, we were just going to tell her not to forget to spit on +her bait, when a male voice said, “O, go to the devil, will +you?” We couldn’t tell whose voice it was, but it +sounded like the clerk at the Plankinton House, and we sat +down.</p> +<p>There is no man who will go further to accommodate a friend than +we will, but by the great ethereal there are some things we will +not do to please anybody. As we sat and meditated, the bell rang +once more, and then we knew the wires had got tangled, and that we +were going to have trouble all day. It was a busy day, too, and to +have a bell ringing beside one’s ear all day is no fun.</p> +<p>The telephone is a blessed thing when it is healthy, but when +its liver is out of order it is the worst nuisance on record. When +it is out of order that way you can hear lots of conversation that +you are not entitled to. For instance, we answered the bell after +it had rung several times, and a sweet little female voice said, +“Are you going to receive to-morrow?” We answered that +we were going to receive all the time. Then she asked what made us +so hoarse? We told her that we had sat in a draft from the bank, +and it made the cold chills run over us to pay it. That seemed to +be satisfactory, and then she began to tell us what she was going +to wear, and asked if we thought it was going to be too cold to +wear a low neck dress and elbow sleeves. We told her that was what +we were going to wear, and then she began to complain that her new +dress was too tight in various places that she mentioned, and when +the boys picked us up off the floor and bathed our temples, and we +told them to take her away, they thought we were crazy.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/202.png"><img src= +"images/202.png" alt= +"A man falls backward away from a wall-mounted telephone" id= +"img202" name="img202" width="80%" /></a> +<p>AT THE TELEPHONE.</p> +</div> +<p>If we have done wrong in talking with a total strangers who took +us for a lady friend, we are willing to die. We couldn’t help +it. For an hour we would not answer the constant ringing of the +bell, but finally the bell fluttered as though a tiny bird had lit +upon the wire and was shaking its plumage. It was not a ring, but +it was a tune, as though an angel, about eighteen years old, a +blonde angel, was handling the other end of the transmitter, and we +felt as though it was wrong for us to sit and keep her in suspense, +when she was evidently dying to pour into our auricular appendage +remarks that we ought to hear.</p> +<p>And still the bell did flut. We went to the cornucopia, put our +ear to the toddy stick and said, “What ailest thou darling, +why dost thy hand tremble? Whisper all thou feelest to thine old +baldy.” Then there came over the wire and into our mansard by +a side window the following touching remarks: “Matter enough. +I have been ringing here till I have blistered my hands. We have +got to have ten car loads of hogs by day after to-morrow or shut +down.” Then there was a stuttering, and then another voice +said, “Go over to Loomis’ pawn shop. A man shot +in”—and another voice broke in singing, “The +sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful”—and +another voice said—“girl I ever saw. She was riding +with a duffer, and wiped her nose as I drove by in the street car, +and I think she is struck after me.”</p> +<p>It was evident that the telephone was drunk, and we went out in +the hall and wrote on a barrel all the afternoon, and gave it full +possession of the office.</p> +<h3><a id="Convenient_Currency" name= +"Convenient_Currency">CONVENIENT CURRENCY.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>What we want is a currency that every farmer can issue for +himself. A law should be passed making the products of the farm a +legal tender for all debts, public and private, including duties on +imports, interest on the public debt, and contributions for +charitable purposes. Then we shall have a new money table about as +follows:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Ten ears of corn make one cent.</p> +<p>Ten cucumbers make one dime.</p> +<p>Ten watermelons make one dollar.</p> +<p>Ten bushels of wheat make one eagle.</p> +</div> +</div> +<h3><a id="The_Gospel_Car" name="The_Gospel_Car">THE GOSPEL +CAR.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<blockquote> +<p>Because there are cars for the luxurious, and smoking cars for +those who delight in tobacco, some of the religious people of +Connecticut are petitioning the railroad companies to fit up +“Gospel cars.” Instead of the card tables, they want an +organ and piano, they want the seats arranged facing the centre of +the car, so they can have a full view of whoever may conduct the +services; instead of spittoons they will have a carpet, and instead +of cards they want Bibles and Gospel song books.—<em>Chicago +News</em>.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>There is an idea for you. Let some railroad company; fit up a +Gospel car according to the above prescription, and run it, and the +porter on that car would be the most lonesome individual on the +train. The Gospel hymn books would in a year appear as new as do +now the Bibles that are put up in all cars. Of the millions of +people who ride in the trains, many of them pious Christians, who +has ever seen a man or woman take a Bible off the iron rack and +read it a single minute? And yet you can often see ministers and +other professing Christians in the smoking car, puffing a cigar and +reading a daily paper.</p> +<p>Why, it is all they can do to get a congregation in a church on +Sunday; and does any one suppose that when men and women are +traveling for business or pleasure—and they do not travel for +anything else—that they are going into a “Gospel +car” to listen to some sky pirate who has been picked up for +the purpose, talk about the prospects of landing the cargo in +heaven?</p> +<p>Not much!</p> +<p>The women are too much engaged looking after their baggage, and +keeping the cinders out of their eyes, and keeping the +children’s heads out of the window, and keeping their fingers +from being jammed, to look out for their immortal souls. And the +men are too much absorbed in the object of their trip to listen to +gospel truths. They are thinking about whether they will be able to +get a room at the hotel, or whether they will have to sleep on a +cot.</p> +<p>Nobody can sing gospel songs on a car, with their throats full +of cinders, and their eyes full of dust, and the chances are if +anybody should strike up, “A charge to keep I have,” +some pious sinner who was trying to take a nap in the corner of the +gospel car would say:</p> +<p>“O, go and hire a hall!”</p> +<p>It would be necessary to make an extra charge of half a dollar +to those who occupied the gospel car, the same as is charged on the +parlor car, and you wouldn’t get two persons on an average +train full that would put up a nickel.</p> +<p>Why, we know a Wisconsin Christian, worth a million dollars, +who, when he comes up from Chicago to the place where he lives, +hangs up his overcoat in the parlor car, and then goes into the +forward car and rides till the whistle blows for his town, when he +goes in and gets his coat and never says thirty-five cents to the +conductor, or ten cents to the porter. Do you think a gospel car +would catch him for half a dollar? He would see you in Hades +first.</p> +<p>The best way is to take a little eighteen-carat religion along +into the smoking car, or any other car you may happen to be in.</p> +<p>A man—as we understand religion from those who have had +it—does not have to howl to the accompaniment of an asthmatic +organ, pumped by a female with a cinder in her eye and smut on her +nose, in order to enjoy religion, and he does not have to be in the +exclusive company of other pious people to get the worth of his +money. There is a great deal of religion in sitting in a smoking +car, smoking dog-leg tobacco in a briar-wood pipe, and seeing happy +faces in the smoke that curls up—faces of those you have made +happy by kind words, good deeds, or half a dollar put where it will +drive away hunger, instead of paying it out for a reserved seat in +a gospel car. Take the half dollar you would pay for a seat in a +gospel car and go into the smoker, and find some poor emigrant that +is going west to grow up with the country, after having been beaten +out of his money at Castle Garden, and give it to him, and see if +the look of thankfulness and joy does not make you feel better than +to listen to a discussion in the gospel car, as to wheiher the +children of Israel went through the Red Sea with life-preservers, +or wore rubber hunting boots.</p> +<p>Take your gospel-car half dollar and buy a vegetable ivory +rattle of the train boy, and give it to the sick emigrant +mother’s pale baby, and you make four persons happy—the +baby, the mother, the train boy and yourself.</p> +<p>We know a man who gave a dollar to a prisoner on the way to +State prison, to buy tobacco with, who has enjoyed more good square +religion over it than he could get out of all the chin music and +saw-filing singing he could hear in a gospel car in ten years. The +prisoner was a bad man from Oshkosh, who was in a caboose in charge +of the sheriff, on the way to Waupun. The attention of the citizen +was called to the prisoner by his repulsive appearance, and his +general don’t-care-a-damative appearance. The citizen asked +the prisoner how he was fixed for money to buy tobacco with in +prison. He said he hadn’t a cent, and he knew it would be the +worst punishment he could have to go without tobacco. The citizen +gave him the dollar and said:</p> +<p>“Now, every time you take a chew of tobacco in prison, +just make up your mind to be square when you get out.”</p> +<p>The prisoner reached out his hand-cuffed hands to take the +dollar, the hands trembling so that the chains rattled and a great +tear as big as a shirt-button appeared in one eye—the other +eye had been gouged out while “having some fun with the +boys” at Oshkosh—and his lips trembled as he said:</p> +<p>“So help me God, I will!”</p> +<p>That man has been boss of a gang of hands in the pinery for two +winters, and has a farm paid for on the Central Railroad, and is +“square.”</p> +<p>That is the kind of practical religion a worldly man can +occasionally practice without having a gospel car.</p> +<h3><a id="Banks_and_Banking" name="Banks_and_Banking">BANKS AND +BANKING.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The subject of banking has engrossed the attention of your +excellent Governor for, lo! these many weeks, and he is constrained +to say that some radical changes must be made in the method of +receiving deposits by banks, where an equivalent is not rendered, +of His Excellency will be compelled to emerge from his present +aristocratic quarters and take up his abode in the poor-house. I +would call your attention to the practice certain banks have of +issuing checks in lieu of cash. If these checks were available at +the groceries it would be better than it is. Banks have got in a +habit of issuing a species of ivory button in receipt for the green +coin of the realm which is only good at the counter of the bank. +These checks are not issued by the National Banks, but by the State +Banks, denominated “Keno” and “Faro.” I +would not charge that there is “skullduggery” or +“shenanagen” going on in these institutions, as the +president of one of them informed me, confidentially, that he dealt +on the “square,” but it is a noticeable fact that the +dividends received by those who do business with the banks, are +almost, as it were, imperceptible. I trust that you will cause this +branch of industry to be thoroughly investigated, and report by +bill or otherwise. Our finances should be beyond suspicion of +dishonesty.</p> +<h3><a id="Large_Mouths_are_Fashionable" name= +"Large_Mouths_are_Fashionable">LARGE MOUTHS ABE +FASHIONABLE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The fashion papers, which are authority on the styles, claim +that ladies with large mouths are all the fashion now, and that +those whose mouths are small and rosebud like are all out of style. +It is singular the freaks that are taken by fashion. Years ago a +red-headed girl, with a mouth like a slice cut out of a muskmelon, +would have been laughed at, and now such a girl is worth going +miles to see.</p> +<p>It is easier to color the hair red, and be in fashion, than it +is to enlarge the mouth, though a mouth that has any give to it can +be helped by the constant application of a glove stretcher during +the day, and by holding the cover to a tin blacking box while +sleeping. What in the world the leaders of fashion wanted to +declare large mouths the style for, the heavens only can tell.</p> +<p>Take a pretty face and mortise about a third of it for mouth, +and it seems to us as though it is a great waste of raw material. +There is no use that a large mouth can be put to that a small mouth +would not do better, unless it is used for a pigeon hole to file +away old sets of false teeth. They can’t certainly, be any +better for kissing.</p> +<p>You all remember the traveling man who attended the church fair +at Kalamazoo, where one of the sisters would give a kiss for ten +cents. He went up and paid his ten cents, and was about to kiss her +when he noticed that her mouth was one of those large, open face, +cylinder escapement, to be continued mouths. It commenced at the +chin and went about four chains and three links in a northwesterly +direction, then around by her ear, across under the nose and back +by the other ear to the place of beginning, and containing twelve +acres, more or less.</p> +<p>The traveling man said he was only a poor orphan, and had a +family to support, and if he never came out alive it would be a +great hardship upon those dependent upon him for support, and he +asked her as a special favor that she take her hand and take a reef +in one side of the mouth so it would be smaller. She consented, and +puckered in a handful of what would have been cheek, had it not +been mouth. He looked at her again and found that the mouth had +become a very one-sided affair, and he said he had just one more +favor to ask.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/209.png"><img src= +"images/209.png" alt="A woman yells at a man." id="img209" name= +"img209" width="80%" /></a> +<p>“GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!”</p> +</div> +<p>He was not a man that was counted hard to suit when he was at +home in Chicago, but he would always feel as though he had got his +money’s worth, and go away with pleasanter recollections of +Kalamazoo, if she would kindly take her other hand and draw the +other side of her mouth together, and he would be content to take +his ten cents’ worth out of what was left unemployed.</p> +<p>This was too much, and she gave him a terrible look, and +returned him his ten cents, saying, “Do you think, sir, +because you are a Chicago drummer, that for ten cents you can take +a kiss right out of the best part of it? Go! Get thee to a +nunnery,” and he went and bought a lemonade with the +money.</p> +<p>We would not advise any lady whose mouth is small to worry about +this new fashion, and try to enlarge the one nature has given her. +Large mouths will have their run in a few brief months and will be +much sought after by the followers of fashion, but in a short time +the little ones that pout, and look cunning, will come to the front +and the large ones will be for rent. The best kind of a mouth to +have is a middling sized one, that has a dimple by its sides, which +is always in style.</p> +<h3><a id="Internal_Improvements" name= +"Internal_Improvements">INTERNAL IMPROVEMENTS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Under this heading I can think of nothing that appears more +appropriate than the subject of the artificial propagation of fish. +It is a subject that has arrested the attention of many of the +ablest minds of the country, and the results of experiments have +been thus far so satisfactory that it is almost safe to predict +that within the next ten centuries every man, however poor, may +pick bull-heads off of his crab apple vines and gather his winter +supply of fresh shad from his sweet potato trees at less than fifty +cents a pound. The experiments that have been made in our own state +warrant us in going largely into the fish business. A year ago a +quantity of fish seeds were sub soil plowed into the ice of Lake +Mendota, and to-day I am informed that boarders at the hotels there +have all the fish to eat that any reasonable man could desire. The +expense is small and the returns are enormous. It is estimated that +from the six quarts of fish seeds that were planted in the lake +there are now ready for the market at least 11,000,000 car loads of +brain-producing food, if you spit on your bait when you go +fishing.</p> +<h3>PECK’S BAD BOY AND HIS PA.</h3> +<h4><a id="His_Pa_Gets_Boxed" name="His_Pa_Gets_Boxed">HIS PA GETS +BOXED.</a></h4> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“You don’t want to buy a good parrot, do you?” +said the bad boy to the grocery man as he put his wet mittens on +the top of the stove to dry, and kept his back to the stove so he +could watch the grocery man, and be prepared for a kick, if the man +should remember the rotten egg sign that the boy put up in front of +the grocery last week.</p> +<p>“Naw, I don’t want no parrot. I had rather have a +fool boy around than a parrot. But what’s the matter with +your Ma’s parrot? I thought she wouldn’t part with him +for anything.”</p> +<p>“Well, she wouldn’t until Wednesday night, but now +she says she will not have him around, and I may have half I can +get for him. She told me to go to some saloon or some disreputable +place and sell him, and I thought maybe he would about suit +you,” and the boy broke into a bunch of celery, and took out +a few tender stalks and rubbed them on a codfish to salt them, and +began to bite the stalks, while he held the sole of one wet boot up +against the stove to dry it, making a smell of burned leather that +came near turning the stomach of the cigar sign.</p> +<p>“Look-a-here boy, don’t you call this a disreputable +place. Some of the best people in this town come here,” said +the grocery man as he held up the cheese knife and grated his teeth +as though he would like to jab it into the youth.</p> +<p>“O, that’s all right, they come here ’cause +you trust; but you make up what you lose by charging it to other +people. Pa will make it hot for you the last of the week. He has +been looking over your bill, and comparing it with the hired girl, +and she says we haven’t ever had a prune, or a dried apple, +or a raisin, or any cinnamon, or crackers and cheese out of your +store, and he says you are worse than the James brothers, and that +you used to be a three card monte man, and he will have you +arrested for highway robbery, but you can settle that with Pa. I +like you, because you are no ordinary sneak thief, you are a +high-toned, gentlemanly sort of a bilk, and wouldn’t take +anything you couldn’t lift. O, keep your seat, and +don’t get excited. It does a man good to hear the truth from +one who has got the nerve to tell it.</p> +<p>“But about the parrot. Ma has been away from home for a +week, having a high old time in Chicago, going to theatres and +things, and while she was gone, I guess the hired girl or somebody +learned the parrot some new things to say. A parrot that can only +say ‘Polly wants a cracker,’ don’t amount to +anything—what we need is new style parrots that can converse +on the topics of the day, and say things original. Well, when Ma +got back I guess her conscience hurt her for the way she had been +carrying on in Chicago, and so when she heard the basement of the +church was being frescoed, she invited the committee to hold the +Wednesday evening prayer meeting at our house. First, there were +four people came, and Ma asked Pa to stay to make up a quorum, and +Pa said seeing he had two pair, he guessed he would stay in, and if +Ma would deal him a queen he would have a full hand. I don’t +know what Pa meant, but he plays draw poker sometimes. Anyway there +was eleven people came including the minister, and after they had +talked about the neighbors a spell, and Ma had showed the women a +new tidy she had worked for the heathen, with a motto on it which +Pa had taught her: ‘A contrite heart beats a bob-tailed +flush,’—and Pa had talked to the men about a religious +silver mine he was selling stock in, which he advised them as a +friend to buy for the glory of the church, they all went in the +back parlor and the minister lead in prayer. He got down on his +knees right under the parrot’s cage, and you’d a dide +to see Polly hang on to the wires of the cage with one foot, and +drop an apple core on the minister’s head. Ma shook her +handkerchief at Polly, and looked sassy, and Polly got up on the +perch, and as the minister got warmed up and began to raise the +roof, Polly said, ‘O, dry up.’ The minister had his +eyes shut, but he opened one of them a little and looked at Pa. Pa +was tickled at the parrot, but when the minister looked at Pa as +though it was him that was making irreverent remarks, Pa was +mad.</p> +<p>“The minister got to the ‘amen,’ and Polly +shook hisself and said ‘What you giving us?’ and the +minister got up and brushed the bird seed off his knees, and he +looked mad. I thought Ma would sink with mortification, and I was +sitting on a piano stool looking as pious as a Sunday school +superintendent the Sunday before he skips out with the bank’s +funds; and Ma looked at me as though she thought it was me that had +been tampering with the parrot. Gosh, I never said a word to that +parrot, and I can prove it by my chum.</p> +<p>“Well, the minister asked one of the sisters if she +wouldn’t pray, and she wasn’t engaged, so she said with +pleasure, and she kneeled down, but she corked herself, cause she +got one knee on a cast-iron dumb bell that I had been practising +with. She said ‘O my,’ in a disgusted sort of a way, +and then she began to pray for the reformation of the youth of the +land, and asked for the spirit to descend on the household, and +particularly on the boy that was such a care and anxiety to his +parents, and just then Polly said ‘O, pull down your +vest.’ Well, you’d a dide to see that woman look at me. +The parrot cage was partly behind the window curtin, and they +couldn’t see it, and she thought it was me. She looked at Ma +as though she was wondering why she didn’t hit me with a +poker, but she went on, and Polly said ‘wipe off your +chin,’ and then the lady got through and got up, and told Ma +it must be a great trial to have an idiotic child, and then Ma she +was mad, and said it wasn’t half so bad as it was to be a +kleptomaniac, and then the woman got up and said she wouldn’t +stay no longer, and Pa said to me to take that parrot outdoors, and +that seemed to make them all good natured again. Ma said to take +the parrot and give it to the poor. I took the cage and pointed my +finger at the parrot and it looked at the woman and said ‘old +catamaran,’ and the woman tried to look pious and resigned, +but she couldn’t. As I was going out the door the parrot +ruffed up his feathers and said ‘Dammit, set ’em +up,’ and I hurried out with the cage for fear he would say +something bad, and the folks all held up their hands and said it +was scandalous. Say, I wonder if a parrot can go to hell with the +rest of the community. Well, I put the parrot in the woodshed, and +after they all had their innings, except Pa, who acted as umpire, +the meeting broke up, and Ma says it is the last time she will have +that gang at her house.</p> +<p>“That must have been where your Pa got his black +eye,” said the grocery man, as he charged the bunch of celery +to the boy’s Pa. “Did the minister hit him, or was it +one of the sisters?”</p> +<p>“O, he didn’t get his black eye at prayer +meeting!” said the boy, as he took his mittens off the stove, +and rubbed them to take the stiffening out. “It was from +boxing. Pa told my chum and me that it was no harm to learn to box, +cause we could defend ourselves, and he said he used to be a holy +terror with the boxing gloves when he was a boy, and he has been +giving us lessons. Well, he is no slouch, now I tell you, and +handles himself pretty well for a church member. I read in the +paper how Zack Chandler played it on Conkling by getting Jem Mace, +the prize fighter, to knock him silly, and I asked Pa if he +wouldn’t let me bring a poor boy who had no father to teach +him boxing, to our house to learn to box, and Pa said certainly, +fetch him along. He said he would be glad to do anything for a poor +orphan. So I went down in the Third ward and got an Irish boy by +the name of Duffy, who can knock the socks off any boy in the ward. +He fit a prize fight once. It would have made you laugh to see Pa +telling him how to hold his hands and how to guard his face. He +told Duffy not to be afraid, but strike right out and hit for +keeps. Duffy said he was afraid Pa would get mad if he hit him, and +Pa said, ‘nonsense, boy, knock me down if you can, and I will +laugh ha! ha!’ Well, Duffy he hauled back and gave Pa one on +the nose, and another in both eyes, and cuffed him on the ear and +punched him in the stomach, and lammed him in the mouth and made +his teeth bleed, and then he gave him a side winder in both eyes, +and Pa pulled off his boxing gloves and grabbed a chair, and we +adjourned and went down stairs as though there was a panic. I +haven’t seen Pa since. Was his eye very black?”</p> +<p>“Black, I should say so,” said the grocery man. +“And his nose seemed to be trying to look into his left ear. +He was at the market buying beefsteak to put on it.”</p> +<p>“O, beefsteak is no account. I must go and see him and +tell him that an oyster is the best thing for a black eye. Well, I +must go. A boy has a pretty hard time running a house the way it +should be run,” and the boy went out and hung up a sign in +front of the grocery: “<em>Frowy Butter a +Speshulty</em>.”</p> +<h3><a id="Christmas_Trees" name="Christmas_Trees">CHRISTMAS +TREES.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is too much dress parade about Christmas. Too many +Christmas trees where rich children get club skates, and gold +napkin rings, and poor children get pop corn strung on a string, +and cornucopias full of peppermint candy.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Bob-Tailed_Badger" name="The_Bob-Tailed_Badger">THE +BOB-TAILED BADGER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The last legislature, having nothing else to do, passed a law +providing for a change in the coat-of-arms of the State. There was +no change particularly, except to move the plows and shovels around +a little, put on a few more bars of pig lead, put a new-fashioned +necktie on the sailor who holds the rope, the emblem of lynch law, +tuck the miner’s breeches into his boots a little further, +and amputate the tail of the badger. We do not care for the other +changes, as they were only intended to give the engraver a job, but +when an irresponsible legislature amputates the tail of the badger, +the emblem of the Democratic party, that crawls into a hole and +pulls the hole in after him, it touches us in our patriotism.</p> +<p>The badger, as nature made him, is a noble bird, and though he +resembles a skunk too much to be very proud of, they had no right +to cut off his tail and stick it up like a sore thumb. As it is now +the new comer to our Garden of Eden will not know whether our +emblem is a Scotch terrier, smelling into the archives of the State +for a rat, or a defalcation, or a <em>sic semper Americanus +scunch</em>. We do not complain that the sailor with a Pinafore +shirt on, on the new coat-of-arms, is made to resemble Senator +Cameron, or that the miner looks like Senator Sawyer. These things +are of minor importance, but the docking of that badger’s +tail, and setting it up like a bob-tail horse, is an outrage upon +every citizen of the State, and when the Democrats get into power, +that tail shall be restored to its normal condition if it takes all +the blood and treasure in the State, and this work of the +Republican incendiaries shall be undone. The idea of Wisconsin +appearing among the galaxy of States with a bob-tailed badger is +repugnant to all our finer feelings.</p> +<h3><a id="Terror_in_Church" name="Terror_in_Church">TERROR IN +CHURCH.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A ridiculous scene occurred at Palmyra, the other day. The +furnace in the basement of the church is reached by a trap door, +which is right beside the pulpit. There was a new preacher there +from abroad, and he did not know anything about the trap door, and +the sexton went down there to fix the fire, before the new minister +arrived. The minister had just got warmed up in his sermon, and was +picturing to his hearers hell in all its heat. He had got excited +and told of the lake of burning brimstone below, where the devil +was the stoker, and where the heat was ten thousand times hotter +than a political campaign, and where the souls of the wicked would +roast, and fry, and stew until the place froze over.</p> +<p>Wiping the perspiration from his face, he said, pointing, to the +floor, “Ah, my friends, look down into that seething, burning +lake, and—” Just at this point the trap door raised a +little, and the sexton’s face, with coal smut all over it, +appeared. He wanted to come up and hear the sermon.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/217.png"><img src= +"images/217.png" alt="A man peers up from a hole in the floor." id= +"img217" name="img217" width="80%" /></a> +<p>“AH, MY FRIENDS, LOOK DOWN INTO THAT BURNING +LAKE!”</p> +</div> +<p>If hell had broke loose, the new minister could not have been +more astonished. He stepped back, grasped his manuscript, and was +just about to jump from the pulpit, when a deacon on the front seat +said, “It’s all right, brother; he has only <em>been +down below to see about the fire</em>.” The sexton came up +and shut down the trap door, the color came back to the face of the +minister, and he went on, though the incident seemed to take the +tuck all out of him.</p> +<p>A traveling man who happened to be at the church tells us that +he knows the minister was scared, for he sweat so that the +perspiration run right down on the carpet and made a puddle as +though a dipper of water had been tipped over there. The minister +says he was not scared, but we don’t see how he could help +it.</p> +<h3><a id="Fish_Hatching_in_Wisconsin" name= +"Fish_Hatching_in_Wisconsin">FISH HATCHING IN WISCONSIN.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>I would suggest that you permit the subject of the artificial +hatching of fish to engage your attention, and that you appropriate +several dollars to purchase whale’s eggs, vegetable oysters +and mock turtle seeds. The hatching of fish is easy, and any man +can soon learn it; and it is a branch of industry that many who are +now out of employment, owing to circumstances beyond their control, +will be glad to avail themselves of. How, I ask you, could means +better be adapted to the ends than for the retiring officers of our +State to go to setting on fish eggs?</p> +<h3><a id="Trains_Without_Conductors" name= +"Trains_Without_Conductors">TRAINS WITHOUT CONDUCTORS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Since the introduction of the patent air brake on passenger +trains, by which brakemen have been dispensed with, a number of +patent right men have been studying up some contrivance to do away +with conductors. All have failed except one, and that fortunate +inventor is Col. Johnson, of the Railroad Eating House, Milwaukee. +He has been engaged for two years on this patent, and has got it so +near completed that he has filed a caveat at the Patent Office, and +as his rights are secured, it can do no harm to describe the +invention, as it is destined to work quite a revolution in the +railroad business. It has been Col. Johnson’s idea that an +arrangement could be made so that an engineer of a train could have +the whole train under his charge, to stop it, start it, collect +fares, and bounce impecunious passengers, from his position on the +engine, and do it all by steam, wind and water. A series of +pneumatic tubes run from the door of each car to the engine, with +speaking tubes. A passenger gets on the platform, and through the +speaking tube asks the engineer what the fare is to such a place. +The answer is returned, the fare is put in the hopper of the +pneumatic tube, it goes to the engineer, he pulls a string, the +door flies open and the passenger enters. Not the least important +part of the machinery is the patent “æolian +bouncer,” as it is called. A pair of ice tongs are placed so +as to grasp the passenger by the seat of the pants or the +polonaise, as the case may be, when he or she gets on the platform. +These tongs are connected with the air brakes, in such a manner +that by the engineer’s touching a spring the whole force of +the compressed air takes possession of the tongs, and the passenger +is snatched bald-headed, metaphorically speaking. For instance, a +passenger gets on the platform at Portage, and the ice tongs grasp +him or her securely. If he or she pays the fare, the door is +opened, the tongs release their hold, and the person is allowed to +enter. But if the engineer should find that they had no money, or +that their pass had run out, and they were trying to beat their +way, he would pull the string and they would be lifted back on the +depot steps and stood on their heads, raised in the air and made to +see stars. Col. Johnson has been offered a fabulous sum for his +patent, but he has not decided whether to sell or lease it. A trial +trip was made at Milwaukee, the other day, and though the machine +was not perfect, the experiment was not altogether a failure. A car +was arranged with the apparatus, and went out to the +Soldier’s Home. Col. Johnson and a number of prominent +railroad men were on board. They got a veteran soldier and a Polack +waman to allow the machine to experiment on them. The machine took +hold of the soldier and the engineer jerked. The man had one leg +torn off, and the seat of his overcoat was ruined. He +wouldn’t try again, so they let the woman step on the +platform. The engineer turned it the wrong way, and the car seemed +full of compressed air, and a smell of limberger cheese pervaded +the premises. When the smoke cleared off the woman was not to be +found. After voting the machine a success the party started for +Milwaukee. On nearing the city a pair of wooden shoes were seen in +the air coming down, and they lit in the the canal by the tannery. +A pair of corsets struck on Plankinton’s packing house, and +sections of spinal cord, and one leg of a pair of red drawers came +down on the Soldier’s home, and hair was found on the top of +the car. It is thought the engineer loaded the air bouncer too +heavy, and that it kicked. However, Col. Johnson was not +discouraged, and will soon have his patent on all cars. The husband +of the Polack woman wanted Johnson to pay him three dollars, but he +said he didn’t want to buy the woman. All he wanted was to +hire her, anyway. Col. Johnson is a great inventor. It was he that +invented the stomach pump, and the automatic candle enunciator, for +awakening guests in the night to take early trains. The latter he +sold to Mr. Williams, of Prairie du Chien, for a large amount and +took his pay in trade.</p> +<h3><a id="Raising_Elephants" name="Raising_Elephants">RAISING +ELEPHANTS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Why not go to raising elephants? A good elephant will sell for +eight thousand dollars. A pair of elephants can be bought by a +community of farmers pooling their issues and getting a start, and +in a few years every farm can be a menagerie of it own, and every +year we can rake in from eight to twenty-four thousand dollars from +the sale of surplus elephants. It may be said that elephants are +hearty feeders, and that they would go through an ordinary farmer +in a short time. Well, they can be turned out into the highway to +browse, and earn their own living. This elephant theory is a good +one, and any man that is good on figures can sit down and figure up +a profit in a year sufficient to go into bankruptcy.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Power_of_Eloquence" name= +"The_Power_of_Eloquence">THE POWER OF ELOQUENCE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A justice of the peace at Menasha, wanted to kill Pratt, the +editor of the <em>Press</em>. The matter has been compromised, +however. Pratt got the justice cornered up, and delivered one of +the speeches to him that he delivered during the campaign last +fall, and the justice got on his knees and said, “Pratt, this +thing is all right, I surrender.”</p> +<h3><a id="A_Trying_Situation" name="A_Trying_Situation">A TRYING +SITUATION.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>It was along in the winter, and the prominent church members +were having a business meeting in the basement of the church to +devise ways and means to pay for the pulpit furniture. The question +of an oyster sociable had been decided, and they got to talking +about oysters, and one old deaconess asked a deacon if he +didn’t think raw oysters would go further at a sociable, than +stewed oysters.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/222.png"><img src= +"images/222.png" alt="A man bows." id="img222" name="img222" width= +"80%" /></a> +<p>THE WANDERING OYSTER.</p> +</div> +<p>He said he thought raw oysters would go further, but they +wouldn’t be as satisfying. And then he went on to tell how +far a raw oyster went once with him. He said he was at a swell +dinner party with a lady on each side of him, and he was trying to +talk to both of them, or carry on two conversations, on two +different subjects at the same time.</p> +<p>They had some shell oysters, and he took up one on a +fork—a large, fat one—and was about to put it in his +mouth, when the lady on his left called his attention, and when the +cold fork struck his teeth, and no oyster on it, he felt as though +it had escaped, but he made no sign. He went on talking with the +lady as though nothing had happened. He glanced down at his shirt +bosom, and was at once on the trail of the oyster, though the +insect had got about two minutes start of him. It had gone down his +vest under the waistband of his clothing, and he was powerless to +arrest its progress.</p> +<p>He said he never felt how powerless he was until he tried to +grab that oyster by placing his hand on his person, outside his +clothes; then, as the oyster slipped around from one place to +another, he felt that man was only a poor, weak creature.</p> +<p>The oyster, he observed, had very cold feet, and the more he +tried to be calm and collected, the more the oyster seemed to walk +around among his vitals.</p> +<p>He says he does not know whether the ladies noticed the oyster +when it started on its travels or not, but he thought, as he leaned +back and tried to loosen up his clothing, so it would hurry down +toward his shoes, that they winked at each other, though they might +have been winking at something else.</p> +<p>The oyster seemed to be real spry until it got out of reach, and +then it got to going slow as the slikery covering wore off, and by +the time it had worked into his trousers leg, it was going very +slow, though it remained cold to the last, and he hailed the +arrival of that oyster into the heel of his stocking with more +delight than he did the raising of the American flag over +Vicksburg, after the long siege.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Giddy_Girls_Quarrel" name= +"The_Giddy_Girls_Quarrel">THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A dispatch from Brooklyn states that at the conclusion of a +performance at the theatre, Fanny Davenport’s wardrobe was +attached by Anna Dickinson and the remark is made that Fanny will +contest the matter. Well, we should think she would. What girl +would sit down silently and allow another to attach her wardrobe +without contesting? It is no light thing for an actress to have her +wardrobe attached after the theatre is out. Of course Fanny could +throw something over her, a piece of scenery, or a curtain, and go +to her hotel, but how would she look? Miss Davenport always looked +well with her wardrobe on, but it may have been all in the +wardrobe. Without a wardrobe she may look very plain and +unattractive.</p> +<p>Anna Dickinson has done very wrong. She has struck Fanny in a +vital part. An actress with a wardrobe is one of the noblest works +of nature. She is the next thing to an honest man, which is the +noblest work, though we do not say it boastingly. We say she is +next to an honest man, with a wardrobe, but if she has no wardrobe +it is not right. However, we will change the subject before it gets +too deep for us.</p> +<p>Now, the question is, what is Anna Dickinson going to do with +Fanny’s wardrobe? She may think Fanny’s talent goes +with it, but if she will carefully search the pockets she will find +that Fanny retains her talent, and has probably hid it under a +bushel, or an umbrella, or something, before this time. Anna cannot +wear Fanny’s wardrobe to play on the stage, because she is +not bigger than a banana, while Fanny is nearly six feet long, from +tip to tip. If Anna should come out on a stage with the Davenport +wardrobe, the boys would throw rolls of cotton batting at her.</p> +<p>Fanny’s dress, accustomed to so much talent, would have to +be stuffed full of stuff. There would be room enough in +Fanny’s dress, if Anna had it on, as we remember the two, to +put in a feather bed, eleven rolls of cotton batting, twelve pounds +of bird seed, four rubber air cushions, two dozen towels, two brass +bird cages, a bundle of old papers, a sack of bran and a bale of +hay. That is, in different places. Of course all this truck +wouldn’t go in the dress in any one given locality. If Anna +should put on Fanny’s dress, and have it filled up so it +would look any way decent, and attempt to go to Canada, she would +be arrested for smuggling.</p> +<p>Why, if Dickinson should put on a pair of Davenport’s +stockings, now for instance, it would be necessary to get out a +search warrant to find her. She could pin the tops of them at her +throat with a brooch, and her whole frame would not fill one +stocking half as well as they have been filled before being +attached, and Anna would look like a Santa Claus present of a +crying doll, hung on to a mantel piece.</p> +<p>Fanny Davenport is one of the handsomest and splendidest formed +women on the American stage, and a perfect lady, while Dickinson, +who succeeds to her old clothes through the law, is small, not +handsome, and a quarrelsome female who thinks she has a mission. +The people of this country had rather see Fanny Davenport without +any wardrobe to speak of than to see Dickinson with clothes enough +to start a second hand store.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Universal_Object" name="The_Universal_Object">THE +UNIVERSAL OBJECT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The object that every man has in view, whether he be farmer, +mechanic, preacher, editor, or tramp, is to make money.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Mistake_About_It" name="The_Mistake_About_It">THE +MISTAKE ABOUT IT.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is nothing that is more touching than the gallantry of +men, total strangers, to a lady who has met with an accident. Any +man who has a heart in him, who sees a lady whose apparel has +become disarranged in such a manner that she cannot see it, will, +though she be a total stranger, tell her of her misfortune, so she +can fix up and not be stared at. But sometimes these efforts to do +a kindly action are not appreciated, and men get fooled.</p> +<p>This was illustrated at Watertown last week. People have no +doubt noticed that one of the late fashions among women is to wear +at the bottom of the dress a strip of red, which goes clear around. +To the initiated it looks real nice, but a man who is not posted in +the fashions would swear that the woman’s petticoat was +dropping off, and if she was not notified, and allowed to fix it, +she would soon be in a terrible fix on the street.</p> +<p>It was a week ago Monday that a lady from Oshkosh was at +Watertown on a visit, and she wore a black silk dress with a red +strip on the bottom. As she walked across the bridge Mr. Calvin +Cheeney, a gentleman whose heart is in the right place, saw what he +supposed would soon be a terrible accident, which would tend to +embarrass the lady, so he stepped up to her in the politest manner +possible, took off his hat and said:</p> +<p>“Excuse me, madame, but I think your wearing apparel is +becoming disarranged. You might step right into Clark’s, +here, and fix it,” and he pointed to the bottom of her +dress.</p> +<p>She gave him a look which froze his blood, and shaking her dress +out she went on. He said it was the last time he would ever try to +help a woman in distress.</p> +<p>She sailed along down to a grocery store and stopped to look at +some grapes, when the practiced eye of Hon. Peter Brook saw that +something was wrong. To think is to act with Peter, and he at once +said:</p> +<p>“Miss, your petticoat seems to be dropping off. You can go +in the store and get behind that box of codfish and fix it if you +want to.”</p> +<p>Now that was a kind thing for Peter to do, and an act that any +gentleman might be proud of, but he was amazed at her when she told +him to mind his own business, and she would attend to her own +petticoat, and she marched off just a trifle mad.</p> +<p>She went into the postoffice to mail a postal card, just as Mr. +Moak, the postmaster, came out of his private office with Hon. L.B. +Caswell, the congressman. Mr. Moak, without the aid of his glasses, +saw that there was liable to be trouble, so he asked Caswell to +excuse him a moment, and turning to the delivery window where she +was asking the clerk what time the mail came in, he said:</p> +<p>“I beg a thousand pardons, madame. It ill becomes a +stranger to speak to one so fair without an introduction, but I +believe that I am not violating the civil service rules laid down +by Mr. Hayes for the guidance of postmasters when I tell you, lady, +that something has broke loose and that the red garment that you +fain would hide from the gaze of the world has asserted itself and +appears to the naked eye about two chains and three links below +your dress. I am going abroad, to visit Joe Lindon, the independent +candidate for sheriff, and you can step into the back office and +take a reef in it.”</p> +<p>He did not see the look of fire in her eyes as he went out, +because he was not looking at her eye. She passed out, and Doc +Spaulding, who has got a heart in him as big as a box car, saw it, +and touching his broad brimmed felt hat he said, in a whisper:</p> +<p>“Madame, you better drop into a millinery store and fasten +up your—”</p> +<p>But she passed him on a run, and was just going into a hardware +store, with her hand on her pistol pocket, when Jule Keyes happened +along. Now, Jule would consider himself a horse thief if he should +allow a woman to go along the street with anything the matter with +her clothes, and he not warn her of the consequences, so he stopped +and told her that she must excuse him, a perfect stranger, for +mentioning her petticoat, but the fact was that it was coming +off.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/228.png"><img src= +"images/228.png" alt="A woman points a pistol at a man." id= +"img228" name="img228" width="80%" /></a> +<p>MYSTERY OF A WOMAN’S CLOTHES!</p> +</div> +<p>By this time the woman was mad. She bought a pistol and started +for the depot, firmly resolved to kill the first man that molested +her. She did not meet anybody until she arrived at the Junction, +and she sat down in the depot to rest before the train came.</p> +<p>Pierce, the hotel man, is one of the most noticin’ persons +anywhere, and she hadn’t been seated a York minute before his +eye caught the discrepancy in her apparel.</p> +<p>He tried to get the telegraph operator and the expressman to go +and tell her about it, but they wouldn’t, so he went and took +a seat near her.</p> +<p>“It is a warm day, madame,” said Pierce, looking at +the red strip at the bottom of her dress.</p> +<p>She drew her pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at Pierce, who +was trembling in every leg, and said:</p> +<p>“Look-a-here, you young cuss. I have had half a dozen +grown persons down town tell me my petticoat was coming off, and I +have stood it because I thought they were old enough to know what +they were talking about, but when it comes to boys of your age +coming around thinking they know all about women’s clothes it +is too much, and the shooting is going to commence.”</p> +<p>Mr. Pierce made one bound and reached the door, and then got +behind a white greyhound and waited for her to go away, which she +soon did. As she was stepping on the car the conductor, Jake +Sazerowski, said to her:</p> +<p>“Your apparel, madame, seems to be demoralized,” but +she rushed into the car, and was seen no more.</p> +<p>Since then these gentlemen have all learned that the fashion +calls for a red strip at the bottom of a dress, and they will make +no more mistakes. But they were all serious enough, and their +interference was prompted by pure kindness of heart, and not from +any wicked thoughts.</p> +<h3><a id="A_New_Sparking_Scheme" name="A_New_Sparking_Scheme">A +NEW SPARKING SCHEME.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A number of fathers who have daughters, have formed a society, +the object of which is to charge young men who visit the girls, for +meals, gas, wear and tear of furniture, etc. There has been so much +sparking going on which did not mean business, that the +organization has seemed necessary.</p> +<h3><a id="Effects_of_Mineral_Water" name= +"Effects_of_Mineral_Water">EFFECTS OF MINERAL WATER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A woman from Milwaukee, stopping at Sparta for the summer, had a +serious accident the other day. She had her dress pinned back so +tight that the exclamation point where she was vaccinated on the +left arm was plainly visible, and as she stooped over at the +artesian well to dip up a cup full of physic, a little dog +belonging to a lady from Pilot Knob took hold of her striped +stocking and shook it, thinking it was a blue racer. The lady was +overcome with heat and sank down on the damp ground, and the result +was congestion of the dog, for when she got up she kicked that dog +over the Court house and sprained her stocking. It is said that +beautiful and healthful summer resort is fast filling up and +everybody swears it is the most enjoyable place on the continent. +It is certainly the cheapest for us La Crosse folks to go. We +don’t know of a place where, for the money invested, one can +have so much fun and get so much health. You can leave La Crosse at +5:45, and arrive at Sparta at 6:20, after a delightful ride of +thirty miles, and you will enjoy a race, your train beating the +Northwestern train, and running like lightning. If you have a pass, +or sit on the hind platform, it will cost you nothing. You can walk +down town, at small expense. You want to take supper before leaving +home, if economy is what you are seeking in addition to health. Go +to Condit, at the Warner House, and talk as though you were looking +for a place to send your family, and he will hitch up and drive you +all over town. Tell Doc. Nichols you never tried a Turkish bath, +but that you are troubled with hypochondria and often wish you were +dead, and that if you were sure the baths would help you, you would +come down and take them regular. He will put you through for +nothing, and give you a cigar. Then you can get a tooth pick at +Condit’s and put your thumb under your vest and go to the +springs and talk loud about railroad stocks and bonds and +speculating in wheat. (It takes two to do it up right. Frank Hatch +and the writer are going down some night to “do” the +watering place). Then you can swell around till half past ten, and +sneak off to the depot on foot and come home, and your pocket book +will be just as empty as when you started, unless you get a +subscriber, and you will have added bloom to your cheek, and had a +high old time, and next winter you can talk about the delightful +time you passed at Sparta last summer during the heated term.</p> +<p>Let’s get up a party and go down some night.</p> +<h3><a id="What_the_Country_Needs" name= +"What_the_Country_Needs">WHAT THE COUNTRY NEEDS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>What the country needs is a melon from which the incendiary +ingredients have been removed. It seems to me that by proper care, +when the melon is growing on the vines, the cholera morbus can be +decreased, at least, the same as the cranberry has been improved, +by cultivation. The experiment of planting homeopathic pills in the +hill with the melon has been tried, but homeopathy, while perhaps +good in certain cases, does not seem to reach the seat of disease +in the watermelon. What I would advise, and the advice is free to +all, is that a porous plaster be placed upon watermelons, just as +they are begining to ripen, with a view to draw out the cholera +morbus. A mustard plaster might have the same effect, but the +porous plaster seems to me to be the article to fill a want long +felt. If, by this means, a breed of watermelon can be raised that +will not strike terror to the heart of the consumer, this +agricultural address will not have been delivered in vain.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Man_from_Dubuque" name="The_Man_from_Dubuque">THE +MAN FROM DUBUQUE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Last week, a young man from the country west of here came in on +the evening train and walked up to Grand avenue, with a fresh +looking young woman hanging on to one handle of a satchel while he +held the other. They turned into the Plankinton House, and with a +wild light in his eye the man went to the book and registered his +name and that of the lady with him.</p> +<p>While the clerk was picking out a couple of rooms that were near +together, the man looked around at the colored man who had the +satchel, and as the clerk said, “Show the gentleman to No 65 +and the lady to 67,” he said, “Hold on, ’squire! +One room will do.”</p> +<p>On being shown to the room, the bridegroom came right out with +the bell boy and appeared at the office. Picking out a benevolent +looking gentleman, with a good place to raise hair on his head, who +was behind the counter, the groom said:</p> +<p>“Say, can a man enjoy religion in this house?”</p> +<p>Mr. White said a man could if he brought it with him. They had +none on hand to issue out to guests, but they never interfered with +those who had it when they arrived.</p> +<p>“Why,” says the manager of the house, “has +anybody interfered with your devotions here?”</p> +<p>“No, not here,” said the man, wiping his forehead +with a red handkerchief. “But they have at Dubuque. +I’ll tell you how it was. I was married a couple of days ago, +and night before last I put up at a Dubuque hotel. My wife never +had been married before any at all, and she is timid, and thinks +everybody is watching us, and making fun of us! She jumps at the +slightest sound.</p> +<p>“Well, we went to our room in the afternoon, and she began +to cry, and said if she wasn’t married she never would be the +longest day she lived. I sort of put my arm around her, and was +just telling her that everybody had to get married, when there was +a knock on the door, and she jumped more than thirty feet.</p> +<p>“You see that finger. Well, a pin in her belt stuck clear +through, and came near making me faint away. I held my finger in my +mouth, and telling her the house was not on fire, I went to the +door and there was a porter there who wanted to know if I wanted +any more coal on the fire. I drove him away, and sat down in a big +rocking chair with my wife in my lap, and was stroking her hair and +telling her that if she would forgive me for marrying I never would +do so again, and trying to make her feel more at home, when there +came another knock at the door, and she jumped clear across the +room and knocked over a water pitcher.</p> +<p>“This seal ring on my finger caught in her frizzes and +I’ll be cussed if the whole top of her head didn’t come +off. I was a little flurried and went to the door, and a +chambermaid was there with an armful of towels and she handed me a +couple and went off. My wife came into camp again, and began to cry +and accuse me of pulling her hair, when I went up to her and put my +arm around her waist, and was just going to kiss her, just as any +man would be justified in kissing his wife under the circumstances, +when she screamed murder and fell against the bureau.</p> +<p>“I looked around and the door had opened, and there was a +colored man coming into the room with a kerosene lamp, and he +chuckled and said he begged my pardon. Now, I am a man that +don’t let my temper get away with me, but as it was three +hours before dark I didn’t see what was the use of a lamp, +and I told him to get out of there. Before 6 o’clock that +evening there had been twenty raps at the door, and we got sick. My +wife said she would not stay in that house for a million dollars. +So we started for Milwaukee.</p> +<div class="figure"><a href="images/234.png"><img src= +"images/234.png" alt= +"A black man looks on as a woman falls against a dresser and a man looks angry." +id="img234" name="img234" width="80%" /></a> +<p>AN INTRUSIVE NIGGER.</p> +</div> +<p>“I tried to get a little sleep on the cars, but every +little while a conductor would wake me up and roll me over in the +seat to look at my ticket, and brakemen would run against my legs +in the aisle of the car, and shout the names of stations till I was +sorry I ever left home. Now, I want to have rest and quietude. Can +I have it here?”</p> +<p>The manager told him to go to his room, and if he wanted any +coal or ice water to ring for it, and if anybody knocked at his +door without being sent for, to begin shooting bullets through the +door. That settled it, and when the parties returned to Iowa they +said this country was a mighty sight different from Dubuque.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Plea_for_the_Bull_Head" name= +"A_Plea_for_the_Bull_Head">A PLEA FOR THE BULL HEAD.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The late meeting of the State Fish Commissioners at Milwaukee +was an important event, and the discussions the wise men indulged +in will be valuable additions to the literature of the country, and +future readers of profane history will rise up and call them +blessed. It seems that the action of the Milwaukee common council +in withdrawing the use of the water works from the commissioners, +will put a stop to the hatching of whitefish. This is as it should +be. The white fish is an aristocratic bird, that will not bite a +hook, and the propagation of this species of fish is wholly in the +interest of wealthy owners of fishing tugs, who have nets. By +strict attention to business they can catch all the whitefish out +of the lake a little faster than the State machine can put them in. +Poor people cannot get a smell of whitefish. The same may be said +of brook trout. While they will bite a hook, it requires more +machinery to catch them than ordinary people can possess without +mortgaging a house. A man has got to have a morocco book of +expensive flies, a fifteen dollar bamboo jointed rod, a three +dollar trout basket with a hole mortised in the top, a corduroy +suit made in the latest style, top boots of the Wellington pattern, +with red tassels in the straps, and a flask of Otard brandy in a +side pocket. Unless a man is got up in that style, a speckled trout +will see him in Chicago, first, and then it won’t bite. The +brook trout is even more aristocratic than the whitefish, and +should not be propagated at public expense.</p> +<p>But there are fish that should be propagated in the interest of +the people. There is a species of fish that never looks at the +clothes of the man who throws in the bait, a fish that takes +whatever is thrown to it, and when once hold of the hook never +tries to shake a friend, but submits to the inevitable, crosses its +legs and says “Now I lay me,” and comes out on the bank +and seems to enjoy being taken. It is a fish that is a friend of +the poor, and one that will sacrifice itself in the interest of +humanity. This is the fish that the State should adopt as its trade +mark, and cultivate friendly relations with, and stand by. We +allude to the bullhead.</p> +<p>The bullhead never went back on a friend. To catch the bullhead +it is not necessary to tempt his appetite with porter house steak, +or to display an expensive lot of fishing tackle. A pin hook, a +piece of liver, and a cistern pole, is all the capital required to +catch a bullhead. He lays upon the bottom of a stream or pond in +the mud, thinking. There is no fish that does more thinking or has +a better head for grasping great questions, or chunks of liver than +the bullhead. His brain is large, his heart beats for humanity, and +if he can’t get liver, a piece of a tin tomato can will make +a meal for him. It is an interesting study to watch a boy catch a +bullhead. The boy knows where the bullhead congregates, and when he +throws in his hook it is dollars to buttons that “in the near +future” he will get a bite. The bullhead is democratic in all +its instincts. If the boy’s shirt is sleeveless, his hat +crownless, and his pants a bottomless pit, the bullhead will bite +just as well as though the boy is dressed in purple and fine linen, +with knee breeches and plaid stockings. The bull head seems to be +dozing—bulldozing we might say—on the muddy bottom, and +a stranger might say that he would not bite. But wait. There is a +movement of his continuation, and his cow-catcher moves gently +toward the piece of liver. He does not wait to smell of it, and +canvas in his mind whether the liver is fresh. It makes no +difference to him. He argues that here is a family out of meat. +“My country calls and I must go,” says the bullhead to +himself, and he opens his mouth and the liver disappears.</p> +<p>It is not certain that the boy will think of his bait for half +an hour, but the bullhead is in no hurry. He lays in the mud and +proceeds to digest the liver. He realizes that his days will not be +long in the land, or water, more properly speaking, and he argues +if he swallows the bait and digests it before the boy pulls him +out, he will be just so much ahead. Finally the boy thinks of his +bait, and pulls it out, and the bullhead is landed on the bank, and +the boy cuts him open to get the hook out. Some fish only take the +bait gingerly, and are only caught around the selvage of the mouth, +and they are comparatively easy to dislodge. Not so with the +bullhead. He says if liver is a good thing you can’t have too +much of it, and it tastes good all the way down. The boy gets down +on his knees to dissect the bullhead, and get his hook, and it may +be that the boy swears. It would not be astonishing, though he must +feel, when he gets his hook out of the hidden recesses of the +bullhead, like the minister that took up a collection and +didn’t get a cent, though he expressed his thanks at getting +his hat back. There is one drawback to the bullhead, and that is +his horns. We doubt if a boy ever descended into the patent insides +of a bullhead, to mine for Limerick hooks, that did not, before his +work was done, run a horn into his vital parts. But the boy seems +to expect it, and the bullhead enjoys it. We have seen a bullhead +lay on the bank and become dry, and to all appearances dead to all +that was going on, and when the boy sat down on him and got a horn +in his elbow, and yelled murder, the bullhead would grin from ear +to ear, and wag his tail as though applauding for an <em>end +core</em>.</p> +<p>The bullhead never complains. We have seen a boy take a dull +knife and proceed to follow a fish line down a bullhead from his +head to the end of his subsequent anatomy, and all the time there +would be an expression of sweet peace on the countenance of the +bullhead, as though he enjoyed it. If we were preparing a picture +representing “Resignation,” for a chromo to give to +subscribers, and wished to represent a scene of suffering in which +the sufferer was light hearted, and seemed to recognize that all +was for the best, we should take for the subject a bullhead, with a +boy searching with a knife for a long lost fish hook.</p> +<p>The bullhead is a fish that has no scales, but in lieu thereof +is a fine India rubber skin, that is as far ahead of fiddle string +material for strength and durability as possible. The meat of the +bullhead is not as choice as that of the mackerel, but it fills up +a stomach just as well, and the <em>Sun</em> insists that the fish +commissioners shall drop the hatching of aristocratic fish and give +the bullhead a chance. There’s millions in it.</p> +<h3><a id="Why_not_Raise_Wolves" name="Why_not_Raise_Wolves">WHY +NOT RAISE WOLVES?</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>You devote a good deal of time and labor to the raising of +sheep, and what do you get for it. The best sheep cannot lay more +than eight pounds of wool in a season, and even if you get fifty +cents a pound for it, you have not got any great bonanza. Now, the +state encourages the raising of wolves, by offering a bounty of ten +dollars for a piece of skin off the head of each wolf. It does not +cost any more to raise a wolf than it does to raise a sheep, and +while sheep rarely raise more than two lambs a year, a pair of good +wolves are liable to raise twenty young ones in the course of a +year, if it is a good year for wolves. In addition to the +encouragement offered by the state, many counties give as much +more, so that one wolf scalp will bring more money than five sheep. +You will readily see that our wise legislators are offering +inducements to you that you should be thankful for. You can +establish a wolf orchard on any farm, and with a pair of good +wolves to start on, there is millions in it.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Sudden_Fire-Works_at_Racine" name= +"The_Sudden_Fire-Works_at_Racine">THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT +RACINE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>One of those Fourth of July accidents that are always looked for +but seldom occur, happened at Racine, Monday night, which struck +terror to the hearts and other portions of the bodies of many +eminent citizens, and that none were killed we can all thank +Providence, who tempers the fire-works to the sweaty citizen in his +shirt sleeves. The enterprizing citizens had contributed a large +sum of money, which had been judiciously expended in all kinds of +fire-works, and one side of the public square was given up to the +display.</p> +<p>Thousands of citizens had gathered there, from city and country, +and bright Roman candles shone o’er fair men and brave women, +and sixteen thousand nine hundred and twelve hearts beat happy, +while music arose with its voluptuous swell, and soft eyes looked +love to eyes which spake again, or words to that effect. At least +that was what a young fellow from Racine told us, who was here to +see a specialist to have a splinter from a rocket stick removed +from his ear.</p> +<p>A few pieces had been shot off, a few bunches of crackers had +had their tails tied together and been hung over a wire clothes +line, like cats, to fight it out, and the crowd was holding its +breath for the next boom, when there was an explosion; the earth +seemed to tremble, and the air was full of all kinds of fire-works. +The whole supply of fire-works had become ignited, and were blowing +off where they listeth, without regard to anybody’s +feelings.</p> +<p>The crowd became panic stricken, and there never was another +such a scene, and never will be until the last great day, when a +few thousand people suddenly find that they have got into hell, by +mistake, when they thought they were ticketed through to the other +place. It was perfectly awful. Prominent citizens who usually +display great pluck, became fearfully rattled.</p> +<p>A man named Martindale, a railroad man who weighs over two +hundred pounds, was standing near a telegraph pole, and as the +firing commenced he climbed up the pole as easy as a squirrel would +climb a tree, and when it was over they had to get a fire ladder to +get him down; as his pants had got caught over the glass telegraph +knob, and he had forgotten the combination, and besides he said he +didn’t want to take off his clothes up there and come down, +even if it <em>was</em> dark, because it would be just his luck to +have some one fire off a Roman candle when he got down.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/240.png"><img src= +"images/240.png" alt= +"A man hangs from a telephone pole by the seat of his pants." id= +"img240" name="img240" width="80%" /></a> +<p>MARTINDALE CLIMBS A POLE.</p> +</div> +<p>The Hon. Norton J. Field was another man who lost his nerve. He +was explaining to some ladies one of the pieces that was to be +fired off, which was an allegorical picture representing the +revolution, when the whole business blew up. He thought at the +time, that the explosion was in the programme, and was just +reassuring the ladies, by telling them it reminded him of battle +scenes he had witnessed when he was on the military committee in +the assembly, when he noticed a girl near him whose polonaise had +caught fire, and he rushed up to her, caught her by the dress, +intending, with his cool hands, to put out the fire.</p> +<p>The girl felt some one feeling, as she supposed, for her +pocket-book, and she started to run, yelling, +“pickpocket,” and left the burning polonaise in Mr. +Field’s hands. He blushed, and was about to explain to his +lady friends how the best of us are liable to have our motives +misconstrued, when somebody threw a box of four dozen of those +large firecrackers right at his feet, and they were all on fire. +Ten of them exploded at once, and he grabbed the polonaise in one +hand and his burning coat tail in the other, and started west on a +run.</p> +<p>The steward of the Gideon’s Band Club House, at +Burlington, said he arrived there at daylight on the morning of the +5th, and he still held the pieces of dress, but the whole back of +his coat was burned off, and the suspenders just held by a thread. +He said the comet struck the earth at Racine, at 9:30 the night +before, and knocked the town into the lake, and he and another +fellow were all that escaped.</p> +<p>The narrowest escape was that of young Mr. Oberman. He is a +small man, all except his heart and feet, and when the air began to +fill with patriotic missiles, he started to run. On passing the +<em>News</em> office he had to jump over an old coal stove that +stood there, and while he was in the air, six feet from the +sidewalk, a sky rocket stick passed through his coat tail and +pinned him to the building, where he hung suspended, while other +rocket sticks were striking all around him, Roman candle colored +balls were falling on his unprotected head, etc. and one of these +nigger chasers that run all over the ground, climbed up the side of +the building and tried to get in his pants pocket.</p> +<p>Mr. Oberman begged Mr. Wright, the postmaster, to cut him down, +but Mr. Wright, who was using both hands and his voice trying to +disengage a package of pin-wheels from the back portion of his +coat, which were on fire and throwing out colored sparks, said he +hadn’t got time, as he was going down to the river to take a +sitz bath for his health.</p> +<p>The man that keeps the hotel next door to the <em>News</em> +office came out with a pail of water, yelled “fire,” +and threw the water on Mr. Curt Treat’s head. Mr. Treat was +very much vexed, and told the hotel man if he couldn’t tell +the difference between an auburn haired young man and a pin-wheel, +he’d better go and hire somebody that could. Friends of Mr. +Treat say that he would be justified in going into the hotel and +ordering a bottle of pop, and then refusing to pay for it, as the +water took all the starch out of his shirt.</p> +<p>Those who saw the explosion say it was one of the most +magnificent, yet awful and terrible sights ever witnessed, and the +only wonder is that somebody was not hurt. What added to the terror +of the scene was when they went to the artesian well to get water +to put out the fire and found that the well had ceased flowing. On +investigation they found that Mr. Sage, the assembly man, had +crawled into the pipe.</p> +<p>By the way, Mr. Oberman finally got down from his terrible +position by the aid of the editor of the <em>Journal</em>, to whom +Mr. Oberman promised coal enough to run his engine for a year. Very +few men displayed any coolness except Mr. Treat and Mr. Sage.</p> +<h3><a id="La_Crosse_Nebecudnezzer_Water" name= +"La_Crosse_Nebecudnezzer_Water">LA CROSSE NEBECUDNEZZER +WATER.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>It is the great ambition of our life to bring to the notice of +the people of the world the curative powers of the La Crosse water, +that all who may be suffering from any disease, however +complicated, may be cured, and all men may become healthy, and +women too, and doctors will have to go out harvesting. The La +Crosse artesian well, was begun last fall, and completed as soon as +the contractor found he couldn’t make any money at it. It was +rumored that he struck granite, and in fact several little specks +of granite were found in the stuff that come from the hole, but it +is pretty generally believed now that the granite particles got in +from the top, unknown to the contractor. The water came to within +ten feet of the surface, and struck. It never would come any +further, and the world would have remained in ignorance of its +curative powers, only for Powers, who put in a hydraulic ram, and +the blockade was broken, the water now flows to the surface, and +all is well.</p> +<p>Attention was first called to the curative powers of the water, +by a singular incident. A teamster whose duty it was to haul stone, +was in the habit of stopping at the well to water his mules. One of +the mules was in a sad state. He was blind in one eye, had a +spavin, a ringbone, the heaves, his liver was torpid, his lungs +were badly affected, and his friends feared that he was not long +for the stone quarry. He had no family. Soon after the mule began +to drink the water, the driver noticed a great change come over +him. Previously he had seemed resigned to his fate, but latterly he +was ambitious. One day while playfully mashing the mule over the +head with a sled stake, the driver noticed that a new eye had grown +in the place of the former cavity, and as the mule kicked him with +more than his accustomed vigor, he noticed that the spavin and ring +bone were gone, and the former plaintive melody of his voice gave +place to a bray that resembled the whistle of the Alex. Mitchell. +When it was known that the mule had been cured, others tried the +water, men who had never drank it before, until to-day there are +thousands who will testify to the benefits arising from its use. We +could give the names of many who have been snatched from the +grave—the La Crosse water is a regular body +snatcher—but we will first give an analysis of the water.</p> +<p>Believing that the water was destined to play a prominent part +in solving the great question of how to euchre death, we sent a +quantity of it to the eminent Prof. Alonzo Brown, M.D.V.S. of +Jefferson, Wis., with a letter of transmittal authorizing him to +analyze it thoroughly, and give us the result, at our expense. The +following is Prof. Brown’s analysis:</p> +<p class="cen">LABRATORY JEFFERSON LIVERY STABLE,</p> +<p class="rgt">August 3, 1877.</p> +<p>Lieut. GEO. W. PECK,<br /> +4th Wis. Cavalry,</p> +<p>Dear Sir:</p> +<p>Yours of July 25th, received. I should have attended to the +water before, but have had several cases of blind staggers in my +barn, which has kept me busy. I have examined the water by every +process known to science, and pronounce it bully. I took it apart +at my leisure, and find that it contains to one U.S. washtub full, +of 741 cubic inches, the following stuff:</p> +<table summary="chemical analysis" style="width:80%;margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td>Chloride, of Sodium, (common salt)</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">2</td> +<td>sacks.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Chloride of Pilgarlic</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">40,021</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Bicarbonate of erysipelas</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">11,602</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Bicarbonate of pie plant</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">2,071</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Blue pills</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">21,011</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Bicarbonate of soda water (vanilla.)</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">17,201</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Sulphate of Potasalager beer</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">61,399</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Bicarbonate corrugated iron</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">18,020</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Mustang Liniment</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">240</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Boneset and summer savory</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">10,210</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Dow's Liver Cure, (6 bottles for $1.)</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">16,297</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Bromide of Alcock's Porous Plaster</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">22,222</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Flouride of Pain Killer (for cucumbers,)</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">055</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Paris green</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">001</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Spruce gum and Vinegar Bitters</td> +<td style="text-align:right;">075</td> +<td>grains.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>In submitting this analysis permit me to say that I find traces +of mock turtle soup, and India Rubber. I consider the La Crosse +Nebecudnezzer water the most comprehensive water that I have ever +analyzed, and I would recommend it for any disease that human +beings or animals may have.</p> +<p class="rgt">Very Respectfully,<br /> +ALONZO BROWN,<br /> +Prof. of Chemistry in Jefferson Livery stable, and late Veterinary +Surgeon 4th Wis. Cavalry.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>We have known Mr. Brown long and well, and his statement in +regard to the water can be relied upon. Citizens should retain a +copy of this analysis for future reference.</p> +<p>Mr. E.W. Keyes, of Madison, writing under date of August 1st, +says: “The La Crosse water you sent me has caused an entire +new crop of hair to grow upon my head. I had been bald for years, +and offered five hundred dollars, for any medicine that would cause +hair to grow. Enclosed find five hundred dollars, and send me more +water. I want to try it on Murphey, of the Sentinel. I think it +would be a good joke on Murphey.”</p> +<p>But wait till we get all the letters written from prominent men +who have been cured.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Infidel_and_His_Silver_Mine" name= +"The_Infidel_and_His_Silver_Mine">THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER +MINE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>It is announced in the papers that Colonel Ingersoll, the +dollar-a-ticket infidel, has struck it rich in a silver mine, and +is now worth a million dollars. Here is another evidence of the +goodness of God. Ingersoll has treated God with the greatest +contempt, called him all the names he could think of, called him a +liar, a heartless wretch, and stood on a stump and dared God to +knock a chip off his shoulder, and instead of God’s letting +him have one below the belt and knocking seven kinds of cold +victuals out of him, God gives him a pointer on a silver mine, and +the infidel rakes in a cool million, and laughs in his sleeve, +while thousands of poor workers in the vineyard are depending for a +livelihood on collections that pan out more gun wads and brass +pants buttons to the ton of ore than they do silver.</p> +<p>This may be all right, and we hope it is, and we don’t +want to give any advice on anybody else’s business, but it +would please Christians a good deal better to see that bold man +taken by the slack of the pants and lifted into the poor house, +while the silver he has had fall to him was distributed among the +charitable societies, mission schools and churches, so a minister +could get his salary and buy a new pair of trousers to replace +those that he has worn the knees out of kneeling down on the rough +floor to pray.</p> +<p>It is mighty poor consolation to the ladies of a church society +to give sociables, ice creameries, strawberry festivals and all +kinds of things to raise money to buy a carpet for a church or +lecture room, and wash their own dishes than hear that some infidel +who is around the country calling God a pirate and horse thief, at +a dollar a head, to full houses, has miraculously struck a million +dollar silver mine.</p> +<p>To the toiling minister who prays without ceasing, and eats +codfish and buys clothes at a second hand store, it looks pretty +rough to see Bob Ingersoll steered onto a million dollar silver +mine. But it may be all right, and we presume it is. Maybe God has +got the hook in Bob’s mouth, and is letting him play around +the way a fisherman does a black bass, and when he thinks he is +running the whole business, and flops around and scares the other +fish, it is possible Bob may be reeled in, and he will find himself +on the bottom of the boat with a finger and thumb in his gills, and +a big boot on his paunch, and he will be compelled to disgorge the +hook and the bait and all, and he will lay there and try to flop +out of the boat, and wonder what kind of a game that is being +played on him.</p> +<p>Everything turns out right some time, and from what we have +heard of God, off and on, we don’t believe he is going to let +no ordinary man, bald-headed and appoplectic, carry off all the +persimmons, and put his fingers to his nose and dare the ruler of +the universe to tread on the tail of his coat.</p> +<p>Bob Ingersoll has got the bulge on all the Christians now, and +draws more water than anybody, but He who knows the sparrow’s +fall has no doubt got an eye on the fat rascal, and some day will +close two or three fingers around Bob’s throat, when his eyes +will stick out so you can hang your hat on them, and he will blat +like a calf and get down on his knees and say:</p> +<p>“Please, Mr. God, don’t choke so, and I will take it +all back and go around and tell the boys that I am the almightiest +liar that ever charged a dollar a head to listen to the escaping +wind from a biown-up bladder. O, good God, don’t hurt me so. +My neck is all chafed.”</p> +<p>And then he will die, and God will continue business at the old +stand.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Legend_of_the_Lake" name= +"The_Legend_of_the_Lake">THE LEGEND OF THE LAKE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Every noted place of resort has an Indian legend, and the first +thing I did after getting my dinner was to look up the legendist. I +wanted to hear how it was that the Indian had ceased to frequent +this spot. So in looking for the boss legendist I struck Judge +Lamoreaux, of Dodge county, who had been herewith a party of +friends, Mr. Hayes, and Mr. Van Brunt, with all their wives. They +had been searching for ferns and legends and they had a car load. +The Judge had heard of the legend, and he took me one side, and +with tears in his eyes related to me the horrible story just as he +had received it from an Indian named O’Flanegan, who sells +relics in the shape of rye. If I can control my emotion long enough +to write it, it will be a big thing for history.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/248.png"><img src= +"images/248.png" alt="A woman in Indian garb." id="img248" name= +"img248" width="80%" /></a> +<p>HIAWASAMANTHA, THE DUSKY DAUGHTER OF THE GOLDEN WEST.</p> +</div> +<p>Years ago an Indian chief who lived in a dog tent and caught +rattlesnakes for a side show, had a daughter, a beautiful maiden, +about the color and odor of smoked bacon, and she wore a red +blanket cut biased, and a tilter, under a polonaise made over from +her last year’s striped silk. She was the belliest squaw in +the hills, and took the premium at all the county fairs, and she +could shoot a deer equal to any buck Indian. Her name was +Hiawasamantha, and she had two lovers, a Frenchman and a young +Indian. In figuring up the returns there was some doubt as to who +was elected, so the father of the girl decided to go behind the +returns, and settle it by a commission. There was an eagle’s +nest half way up the rocks, with young eagles in it, and the old +chief said that the one that got there first and brought him a +young eagle, should have the squaw. The Frenchman climbed up the +back stairs and got there ahead of the Indian, when the young +Indian drew from his trousers leg a bar of railroad iron and drove +it to the hilt in the breast of the Frenchman, not, however, till +the Frenchman had drawn from his pistol pocket a 300 ton Krupp gun +and sent a solid shot weighing 280 pounds crashing into the skull +of the Indian, and both rolled to the bottom of the bluff, dead. +Dr. Hall, of Baraboo, was called, and he probed for the ball, but +could not find it, and neither could he get the bar of railroad +iron out of the Frenchman, and so they were buried on the spot +where now stands the Cliff House. The squaw looked around for +another fellow, but they all had other engagements, the excursion +train having arrived from La Crosse, and so she went up on a crag +and said, “Big Injun me,” and jumped off and was dashed +into 1,347 pieces, and the wedding was broke up. Pieces of the +squaw can now be found among the rocks, petrified, but retaining +the odor of the ancient tribe. I got a piece of her, evidently a +piece broken off her ear, which retains its shade perfectly, and +will long be a reminder of my visit to Devil’s Lake. +(P.S.—Disreputable parties are selling pieces of stuff +purporting to be genuine remains of this beauteous maiden, but they +are base imitations. None genuine unless the trade mark is stamped +on them.)</p> +<h3><a id="Geological_Survey" name="Geological_Survey">GEOLOGICAL +SURVEY.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The Geological Survey is being prosecuted as well as could be +expected with the limited means at the hands of the searchers in +the bowels of the earth. They have already found, I am informed, +that the earth on which we live, and move, and have a being, is +composed largely of dirt. The discovery of this fact is alone worth +the price of admission. This great discovery, which will be of such +value to the future historian, has only cost the state the +insignificant sum of $8,280. Rather than remain in ignorance of +this astonishing fact, I would willingly pay the money +myself—out of the public treasury. It is rumored that parties +employed by the State to dive down into the ground and bring up +sand in their claws, have discovered symptoms that the world was at +one time sick to its stomach, and threw up divers and sundry kinds +of rocks and things, and there is a probability that lead ore may +be discovered. This will be valuable to make bullets in case of a +war with Oshkosh. In peace it is always best to prepare for war, +and I trust you will lend your countenance to the able men who are +investigating the Lower Silurian age.</p> +<h3><a id="Fooling_with_the_Bible" name= +"Fooling_with_the_Bible">FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Reports from the stationers show that there is no demand at all +for the revised edition of the Bible, and had it not been for the +newspapers publishing the whole affair there would have been very +few persons that took the trouble to even glance at it, and it is +believed that not one reader of the daily papers in a hundred read +any of the Bible, and not one in ten thousand read all of it which +was published. Who originated this scheme of revising the Bible we +do not know, but whoever it was made a miscue. There was no one +suffering particularly for a revision of the Bible. It was good +enough as it was. No literary sharp of the present day has got any +license to change anything in the Bible.</p> +<p>Why, the cheeky ghouls have actually altered over the +Lord’s Prayer, cut it biased, and thrown the parts about +giving us this day our daily bread into the rag bag. How do they +know that the Lord said more than he wanted to in that prayer? He +wanted that daily bread in there, or He never would have put it in. +The only wonder is that those revisers did not insert strawberry +shortcake and ice cream in place of daily bread. Some of these +ministers who are writing speeches for the Lord think they are +smart. They have fooled with Christ’s sermon on the Mount +until He couldn’t tell it if He was to meet it in the Chicago +<em>Times</em>.</p> +<p>This thing has gone on long enough, and we want a stop put to +it. We have kept still about the piracy that has been going on in +the Bible because people who are better than we are have seemed to +endorse it, but now we are sick of it, and if there is going to be +an annual clerical picnic to cut gashes in the Bible and stick new +precepts and examples on where they will do the most hurt, we shall +lock up our old Bible where the critters can’t get at it and +throw the first book agent down stairs head first that tries to +shove off on to us one of these new-fangled, go-as-you-please +Bibles, with all the modern improvements, and hell left out.</p> +<p>Now, where was there a popular demand to have hell left out of +the Bible? Were there any petitions from the people sent up to this +self-constituted legislature of pinchbeck ministers, praying to +have hell abolished, and “hades” inserted? Not a +petition. And what is this hades? Where is it? Nobody knows. They +have taken away our orthodox hell, that has stood by us since we +first went to Sunday school, and given us a hades. Half of us +wouldn’t know a hades if we should see it dead in the road, +but they couldn’t fool us any on hell.</p> +<p>No, these revisers have done more harm to religion than they +could have done by preaching all their lives. They have opened the +ball, and now, every time a second-class dominie gets out of a job, +he is going to cut and slash into the Bible. He will think up lots +of things that will sound better than some things that are in +there, and by and by we shall have our Bibles as we do our +almanacs, annually, with weather probabilities on the margins.</p> +<p>This is all wrong. Infidels will laugh at us, and say our old +Bible is worn out, and out of style, and tell us to have our +measure taken for a new one every fall and spring, as we do for our +clothes. If this revision is a good thing, why won’t another +one be better? The woods are full of preachers who think they could +go to work and improve the Bible, and if we don’t shut down +on this thing, they will take a hand in it. If a man hauls down the +American flag, we shoot him on the spot; and now we suggest that if +any man mutilates the Bible, we run an umbrella into him and spread +it.</p> +<p>The old Bible just filled the bill, and we hope every new one +that is printed will lay on the shelves and get sour. This revision +of the Bible is believed to be the work of an incendiary. It is a +scheme got up by British book publishers to make money out of pious +people. It is on the same principle that speculators get up a +corner on pork or wheat. They got revision, and printed Bibles +enough to supply the world, and would not let out one for love or +money. None were genuine unless the name of this British firm was +blown in the bottle.</p> +<p>Millions of Bibles were shipped to this country by the firm that +was “long” on Bibles, and they were to be thrown on the +market suddenly, after being locked up and guarded by the police +until the people were made hungry for Bibles.</p> +<p>The edition was advertised like a circus, and doors were to be +opened at six o’clock in the morning. American publishers who +wanted to publish the Bible, too, got compositors ready to rush out +a cheap Bible within twelve hours, and the Britons, who were +running the corner on the Word of God, called these American +publishers pirates. The idea of men being pirates for printing a +Bible, which should be as free as salvation. The newspapers that +had the Bibles telegraphed to them from the east, were also +pirates.</p> +<p>O, the revision is a three-card monte speculation; that is all +it is.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Black_Bear_at_Onalaska" name= +"A_Black_Bear_at_Onalaska">A BLACK BEAR AT ONALASKA.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A black bear was brought into town for sale on Friday, having +been killed by Tom Rand, near Onalaska. He killed it with a little +rifle that didn’t look big enough to hurt a hen. If bears are +so sociable as to come within sight of La Crosse to be killed, it +will be a good excuse for husbands to stay at home nights.</p> +<h3><a id="Another_Dead_Failure" name= +"Another_Dead_Failure">ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Again we are called upon to apologize to our readers for +advertising what we had reason to expect would occur at the time +advertised, but which failed to show up. We allude to the end of +the world which was to have taken place last Sunday. It is with +humility that we confess that we were again misled into believing +that the long postponed event would take place, and with others we +got our things together that we intended to take along, only to be +compelled to unpack them Monday morning.</p> +<p>Now this thing is played out, and the next time any party +advertises that the world will come to an end, we shall take no +stock in it. And then it will be just our luck to have the thing +come to an end, when we are not prepared. There is the worst sort +of mismanagement about this business somewhere, and we are not sure +but it is best to allow God to go ahead and attend to the closing +up of earthly affairs, and give these fellows that figure out the +end of all things with a slate and pencil the grand bounce.</p> +<p>It is a dead loss to this country of millions of dollars every +time there is a prediction that the world will come to an end, +because there are lots of men who quit business weeks beforehand +and do not try to earn a living but go lunching around. We lost +over fifteen dollars’ worth of advertising last week from +people who thought if the thing was going up the flue on Sunday +there was no use of advertising any more, and we refused twenty +dollars’ worth more because we thought if that was the last +paper we were going to get out we might as knock off work Friday +and Saturday and go and catch a string of perch. The people have +been fooled about this thing enough, and the first man that comes +around with any more predictions ought to be arrested.</p> +<p>People have got enough to worry about, paying taxes, and buying +strawberries and sugar, to can, without feeling that if they get a +tax receipt the money will be a dead loss, or if they put up a +cellar full of canned fruit the world will tip over on it and break +every jar and bust every tin can.</p> +<p>Hereafter we propose to go right along as though the world was +going to stay right side up, have our hair cut, and try and behave, +and then if old mother earth shoots off into space without any +warning we will take our chances with the rest in catching on to +the corner of some passing star and throw our leg over and get +acquainted with the people there, and maybe start a funny paper and +split the star wide open.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Glorious_Fourth_of_July" name= +"The_Glorious_Fourth_of_July">THE GLORIOUS FOURTH OF JULY.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>On this great day we are accustomed to leave our business to +hired men, and burn with patriotism, and ginger pop, fill ourselves +with patriotic ferver, and beer, shout the battle cry of freedom, +and go home when the day is over with our eye-winkers burned off, +and to sleep with a consciousness that a great duty has been +performed, and that we have got bank notes to pay on the morrow. +For three hundred and sixty-four days in the year our patriotism is +corked up and wired down, and all we can do is to work, and acquire +age and strength. On the 4th of July we cut the wire, the cork that +holds our patriotism flies out, and we bubble and sparkle and +steam, and make things howl. We hold in as long as we can, but when +we get the harness off, and are turned into the pasture, we make a +picnic of ourselves, with music all along the line.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Uses_of_the_Paper_Bag" name= +"The_Uses_of_the_Paper_Bag">THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A First Ward man was told by his wife to bring home a quart of +oysters on New Year’s night, to fry for supper. He drank a +few prescriptions of egg nog, and then took a paper bag full of +selects and started for home. He stopped at two or three saloons, +and the bag began to melt, and when he left the last saloon the +bottom fell out of the bag and the oysters were on the +sidewalk.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/256.png"><img src= +"images/256.png" alt= +"A woman looks at a man who is searching his pockets." id="img256" +name="img256" width="80%" /></a> +<p>SLIPPERY OYSTERS.</p> +</div> +<p>We will leave the man there, gazing upon the wreck, and take the +reader to the residence where he is expected.</p> +<p>A red-faced woman is putting the finishing touches to the supper +table, and wondering why her husband does not come with the +oysters. Presently a noise as of a lead pencil in the key-hole +salutes her ear, and she goes to the and opens it, and finds him +taking the pencil out of the key-hole. Not seeing any oysters, she +asks him if he has forgotten the oysters.</p> +<p>“Forgot noth(hic)ing,” says he.</p> +<p>He walks up to the table and asks for a plate, which is given +him by the unsuspicious wife.</p> +<p>“Damsaccident you ever(hic)see,” said the truly good +man, as he brought his hand out of his overcoat pocket, with four +oysters, a little smoking tobacce, and a piece of cigar-stub.</p> +<p>“Slipperysoystersev(hic)er was,” said he, as he run +his hands down in the other pocket, bringing up five oysters, a +piece of envelope, and a piece of wire that was used as a bail to +the pail.</p> +<p>“Got all my pock(hic)ets full,” said he, as he took +a large oyster out of his vest pocket. Then he began to go down in +his pants pocket, and finding a hole in it, he said:</p> +<p>“Six big oys(hic)ters gone down my trousers leg. +S’posi’ll find them in my boot,” and he sat down +to pull off his boot, when the lady took the plate of oysters and +other stuff into the kitchen and threw them in the swill, and then +she put him to bed, and all the time he was trying to tell her how +the bag busted just as he was in front of All Saints +Ca(hic)thedral.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Universalist_Bath" name="The_Universalist_Bath">THE +UNIVERSALIST BATH.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>Mr. E.H. Lane is canvassing the city for the Universalist Bath. +We don’t know why it should be called a “Universalist +Bath,” as it more nearly resembles a Baptist Bath, as we +remember it. The bath is a queer thing, consisting of an India +rubber hop sack, fastened to an immense ox bow. The ends are placed +on to chairs, the water put in, and you get in and hippotamus and +take a complete bath from Dan to Beersheba in a tea cup full of +water.</p> +<h3><a id="Killing_Big_Game" name="Killing_Big_Game">KILLING BIG +GAME.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The conductors on the St. Paul railroad are most all good sports +with a shot gun. There is Howard and Clason, and Russell, who never +tire of talking of the millions of chickens, ducks, wild turkeys +and so forth that they have killed. They have tried to get +Conductor Green interested in field sports, but he always said the +game was not big enough for him. He said he had his opinion men +that would surround a little chicken with spike tailed dogs, and +then kill it and call it sport. What he wanted was big game. +Nothing less than a bear would do him. Last week the owners of the +cinnamon bear that was brought down from the Yellowstone, decided +to have it killed, and some one told them to get Green to kill it, +as he was an old bear hunter from the Rocky Mountains. Green said +he was rusty on bears, not having had a tussel with a grizzly in +several years, but if they couldn’t get anybody else to +chance the bear he would make hash of it. So they went down to the +ice house where the bear was. Green said he didn’t want +anybody to go in with him, because they might get hurt. He put on +Clason’s hunting suit, took a carving knife in his teeth and +a revolver in his hand, and went in and looked the bear in the eye. +The bear knew Green meant business, and he began to feel around for +his ticket. The conductor advanced to within eleven feet of the +bear when all at once the animal sprang at him, growling and +showing his teeth. Green’s first impulse was to pull the bell +rope, and order the cuss to get out of the ice house, but he saw +the bear coming through the air towards him, and there was not four +hours to lose, so he drew the revolver, took aim at the +bear’s left eye, and pulled. There was a puff of smoke, and +the bear fell lifeless at his feet. Placing the animal in his game +sack, he wiped the blood from his knife and said to some men who +stood outside, their faces ashy pale: “Always shoot bears in +the left eye.” The men were pleased to see him come out alive +and they shook him warmly by the hand. The other conductors, the +shooters, are jealous of Green, and they are telling how he killed +the bear by going up in the loft of the ice house and falling on +him, and one conductor says Green shot the bear with a crow bar +through a knot hole. Another said the bear had all four of his legs +tied and that a dose of poison was administered through a syringe, +attached to a pole, while another says that the bear died from +fright. All these stories are the result of jealousy. The bear was +killed just as we say, and there are few men that would tackle +him—that is, few men aside from conductors.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Mule_not_the_Eagle" name= +"The_Mule_not_the_Eagle">THE MULE NOT THE EAGLE.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The bird that should have been selected as the emblem of our +country, the bird of patience, forbearance, perseverance, and the +bird of terror when aroused, is the mule. There is no bird that +combines more virtues to the square foot than the mule. With the +mule emblazoned on our banners, we should be a terror to every foe. +We are a nation of uncomplaining hard workers. We mean to do the +fair thing by everybody. We plod along, doing as we would be done +by. So does the mule. As a nation we occasionally stick our ears +forward, and fan flies off of our forehead. So does the mule. We +allow parties to get on and ride as long as they behave themselves. +So do does the mule. But when any nation sticks spurs in our +flanks, and tickles our heels with a straw, we come down +stiff-legged in front, our ears look to the beautiful beyond, our +voice is cut loose, and is still for war, and our subsequent end +plays the snare drum on anything that gets in reach of us, and +strikes terror to the hearts of all tyrants. So does the mule.</p> +<h3><a id="Our_Blue-Coated_Dog-Poisoners" name= +"Our_Blue-Coated_Dog-Poisoners">OUR BLUE-COATED DOG +POISONERS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>“Papa, the cruel policeman has murdered little Gip? He +sneaked up and frowed a nice piece of meat to Gip, and Gip he eated +it, and fanked the policeman with his tail, and runned after him +and teased for more, but the policeman fought Gip had enough, and +then Gip stopped and looked sorry he had eaten it, and pretty soon +he laid down and died, and the policeman laughed and went off +feeling good. If Dan Sheenan was the policeman any more he +wouldn’t poison my dog, would he, pa?”</p> +<p>The above was the greeting the bald-headed <em>Sun</em> man +received on Thursday, and a pair of four-year-old brown eyes were +full enough of tears to break the heart of a policeman of many +years’ standing, and the little, crushed master of the dead +King Charles spaniel went to sleep sobbing and believing that +policemen were the greatest blot upon the civilization of the +nineteenth century.</p> +<p>Here was a little fellow that had from the day he first stood on +his feet after the scarlet fever had left him alive, been allowing +his heart to become entwined with love for that poor little dog. +For nearly a year the dog had been ready to play with the child +when everybody else was tired out, and never once had the dog been +cross or backed out of a romp, and the laughter and the barking has +many a time been the only sound of happiness in the +neighborhood.</p> +<p>If the boy slept too long after dinner, the dog went and rooted +around him as much as to say, “Look a here, Mr. Roy, you +can’t play this on your partner any longer. You get up here +and we will have a high old time, and don’t you forget +it.” And pretty soon the sound of baby feet and dog’s +toe nails would be heard on the stairs, and the circus would +commence.</p> +<p>If the dog slept too long of an afternoon, the boy would hunt +him out, take hold of his tail with one hand and an ear with the +other, and lug him into the parlor, saying, “Gip, too much +sleep is what is ruining the dogs in this country. Now, brace up +and play horse with me.” And then there was fun.</p> +<p>Well, it is all over; but while we write there is a little +fellow sleeping on a tear-stained pillow, dreaming, perhaps of a +heaven where the woods are full of King Charles’ spaniel +dogs, and a door-keeper stands with a club to keep out policemen. +And still we cannot blame policemen—it is the law that is to +blame—the wise men who go to the legislature, and make months +with one day too much, pass laws that a dog shall be muzzled and +wear a brass check, or he is liable to go mad. Statistics show that +not one dog in a million ever goes mad and that they are more +liable to go mad in winter than in summer; but several hundred +years ago somebody said that summer was “dog days,” and +the law makers of this enlightened nineteenth century still insist +on a wire muzzle at a season of the year when a dog wants air and +water, and wants his tongue out.</p> +<p>So we compel our guardians of the peace to go around +assassinating dogs. Men, who as citizens, would cut their hands off +before they would injure a neighbor’s property, or speak +harsh to his dog, when they hire out to the city must stifle all +feelings of humanity, and descend to the level of Paris scavengers. +We compel them to do this. If they would get on their ears and say +to the city of Milwaukee, “We will guard your city, and +protect you from insult, and die for you if it becomes necessary; +but we will see you in hades before we go around assassinating +dogs,” we as people, would think more of them, and perhaps +build them a decent station house to rest in.</p> +<h3><a id="A_Hot_Box_at_a_Picnic" name="A_Hot_Box_at_a_Picnic">A +HOT BOX AT A PICNIC.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>An Oshkosh young man started for a picnic in a buggy with two +girls, and when they got half way they got a hot box to the hind +wheel of the buggy, and they remained there all the afternoon +pouring water on the wheel, missing the picnic. There is nothing +that will cause a hot box in a buggy so quick as going to a picnic +with girls. Particularly is this the case when one has two girls. +No young man should ever take two girls to a picnic. He may think +one cannot have too much of a good thing, and that he holds over +the most of the boys who have only one girl, but before the picnic +is over he will note the look of satisfaction on the faces of the +other boys as they stray off in the vernal shade, and he will look +around at his two girls as though his stomach was overloaded. We +don’t care how attractive the girls are, or how enterprising +a boy he is, or how expansive or far-reaching a mind he has, he +cannot do justice to the subject if he has two girls. There will be +a certain clashing of interests that no young boy in his +goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two girls to a picnic, +has the diplomacy to prevent. Now, this may seem a trifling thing +to write about and for a great pious paper to publish, but there is +more at the bottom of it than is generally believed. If we start +the youth of the land out right in the first place they are all +right, but if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic, their +whole lives are liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up +hating themselves. If a young man is good natured and tries to do +the fair thing, and a picnic is got up, and the rest of the boys +are liable to play it on him. There is always some old back number +of a girl who has no fellow, who wants to go, and the boys, after +they all get girls and buggies engaged, will canvass among +themselves to see who shall take this extra girl, and it always +falls to the good-natured young man. He says of course there is +room for three in the buggy. Sometimes he thinks may be this old +girl can be utilized to drive the horse, and then he can converse +with his own sweet girl with both hands, but in such a moment as ye +think not, he finds out that the extra girl is afraid of horses, +dare not drive, and really requires some holding to keep her nerves +quiet. The young man begins to realize by this time that life is +one great disappointment. He tries to drive with one hand, and +consoles his good girl, who is a little cross at the turn affairs +have taken, with the other, but it is a failure, and finally his +good girl says she will drive, and then he has to put an arm around +them both, which will give more or less dissatisfaction the best +way you can fix it. If we had a boy that didn’t seem to have +any more sense than to make a hat rack of himself to hang girls on +in a buggy, we should labor with him, and tell him of the agonies +we had experienced in youth, when the boys palmed off two girls on +us to take to a country picnic, and we believe we can do no greater +favor to the young men who are just entering the picnic of life +than to impress upon them the importance of doing one thing at a +time, and doing it well. Start right at first, and life will be one +continued picnic buggy ride, but if your mind is divided in youth +you will always be looking for hot boxes and annoyance.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/263.png"><img src= +"images/263.png" alt= +"A smiling woman and a man ride out in a carriage." id="img263" +name="img263" width="80%" /></a> +<p>THE OLD BACK NUMBER GIRL.</p> +</div> +<h3><a id="Camp_Meetings_in_the_Dark_of_the_Moon" name= +"Camp_Meetings_in_the_Dark_of_the_Moon">CAMP MEETINGS IN THE DARK +OF THE MOON.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A Dartford man, who has been attending a camp meeting at that +place, inquires of the Brandon <em>Times</em> why it is that camp +meetings are always held when the moon does not shine. The +<em>Times</em> man gives it up and refers the question to the +<em>Sun</em>. We give it up.</p> +<p>It does not seem as though managers of camp meetings +deliberately consult the almanac in order to pick out a week for +camp meeting in the dark of the moon, though such meetings are +always held when the moon is of no account. If they do, then there +is a reason for it. It is well known that pickerel bite best in the +dark of the moon, and it is barely possible that sinners +“catch on” better at that time.</p> +<p>There may be something in the atmosphere, in the dark of the +moon, that makes a camp meeting more enjoyable. Certainly brethren +and sisterin’ can mingle as well if not better when there is +no glaring moon to molest and make them afraid, and they can relate +their experience as well as though it was too light.</p> +<p>The prayers of the righteous avail as much in the darkness of +the closet as they do in an exposition building, with an electric +light, and as long as sinners will do many things which they ought +not to do, and undo many things that they never ought to have done, +the dark of the moon is probably the most healthy.</p> +<h3><a id="Palace_Cattle_Cars" name="Palace_Cattle_Cars">PALACE +CATTLE CARS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The papers are publishing accounts of the arrival east of a +train of palace cattle cars, and illustrating how much better the +cattle feel after a trip in one of these cars, than cattle did when +they made the journey in the ordinary cattle cars.</p> +<p>As we understand it the cars are fitted up in the most gorgeous +manner, in mahogany and rosewood, and the upholstering is something +perfectly grand, and never before undertaken except in the palaces +of the old world.</p> +<p>As you enter the car there is a reception room, with a few +chairs, a lounge and an ottoman, and a Texas steer gently waves you +to a seat with his horns, while he switches off your hat with his +tail. If there is any particular cow, or steer, or ox, that you +wish to see, you give your card to the attendant steer, and he +excuses himself and trots off to find the one you desire to see. +You do not have long to wait, for the animal courteously rises, +humps up his or her back, stretches, yawns, and with the remark, +“the galoot wants to interview me, probably, and I wish he +would keep away,” the particular one sought for comes to the +reception room and puts out its front foot for a shake, smiles and +says, “Glad you came. Was afraid you would let us go away and +not call.”</p> +<p>Then the cow or steer sits down on its haunches and the +conversation flows in easy channels. You ask how they like the +country, and if they have good times, and if they are not hard +worked, and all that; and they yawn and say the country is splendid +at this season of the year, and that when passing along the road +they feel as though they would like to get out in some meadow, and +eat grass and switch flies.</p> +<p>The steer asks the visitor if he does not want to look through +the car, when he says he would like to if it is not too much +trouble. The steer says it is no trouble at all, at the same time +shaking his horns as though he was mad, and kicking some of the +gilding off of a stateroom.</p> +<p>“This,” says the steer who is doing the honors, +“is the stateroom occupied by old Brindle, who is being +shipped from St. Joseph, Mo. Brindle weighs 1,600 on +foot—Brindle, get up and show yourself to the +gentleman.”</p> +<p>Brindle kicks off the red blanket, rolls her eyes in a lazy sort +of way, bellows, and stands up in the berth, humps up her back so +it raises the upper berth and causes a heifer that is trying to +sleep off a debauch of bran mash, to kick like a steer, and then +looks at the interviewer as much as to say, “O, go on now and +give us a rest.” Brindle turns her head to a fountain that is +near, in which Apollinaris water is flowing, perfumed with new mown +hay, drinks, turns her head and licks her back, and stops and +thinks, and then looking around as much as to say, +“Gentlemen, you will have to excuse me,” lays down with +her head on a pillow, pulls the coverlid over her and begins to +snore.</p> +<p>The attendant steer steers the visitor along the next apartment, +which is a large one, filled with cattle in all positions. One is +lying in a hammock, with her feet on the window, reading the +Chicago <em>Times</em> article on Oleomargarine, or Bull Butter, at +intervals stopping the reading to curse the writer, who claims that +oleomargarine is an unlawful preparation, containing deleterious +substances.</p> +<p>A party of four oxen are seated around a table playing seven-up +for the drinks, and as the attendant steer passes along, a speckled +ox with one horn broken, orders four pails full of Waukesha water +with a dash of oatmeal in it, “and make it hot,” says +the ox, as he counts up high, low, jack and the game.</p> +<p>Passing the card players the visitor notices an upright piano, +and asks what that is for, and the attendant steer says they are +all fond of music, and asks if he would not like to near some of +the cattle play. He says he would, and the steer calls out a white +cow who is sketching, and asks her to warble a few notes. The cow +seats herself on her haunches on the piano stool, after saying she +has such a cold she can’t sing, and, besides, has left her +notes at home in the pasture. Turning over a few leaves with her +forward hoof, she finds something familiar, and proceeds to walk on +the piano keys with her forward feet and bellow, “Meet me in +the slaughter house when the due bill falls,” or something of +that kind, when the visitor says he has got to go up to the stock +yards and attend a reception of Colorado cattle, and he lights +out.</p> +<p>We should think these parlor cattle cars would be a success, and +that cattle would enjoy them very much. It is said that parties +desiring to charter these cars for excursions for human beings, can +be accommodated at any time when they are not needed to transport +cattle, if they will give bonds to return them in as good order as +they find them.</p> +<h3><a id="George_Washington" name="George_Washington">GEORGE +WASHINGTON.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>He could not tell a lie, George couldn’t. Washington, it +is probable, never knew what it was to stow away a schooner of +beer, and history makes no mention that he ever, on any pretext, +eat limberger cheese. At least no mention was made of it in his +farewell address. He never was President of a savings bank. +Washington never lectured. He never edited a newspaper. He could +not tell a lie at the rates editors charge. No he was a good man, +with none of the small vices that are so prevalent these days.</p> +<h3><a id="Broke_up_a_Prayer_Meeting" name= +"Broke_up_a_Prayer_Meeting">BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>A few months ago the spectacle presented itself of a very +respectable lady of the Seventh ward wearing a black eye. There +never was a case of ante-election that was any more perfect than +the one this lady carried.</p> +<p>We have seen millions of black eyes in our time, some of which +were observed in a mirror, but we never saw one that suggested a +row any plainer than the one the Seventh ward lady wore. It was cut +biased, that being the latest style of black eye, and was fluted +with purple and orange shade, and trimmed with the same. Probably +we never should have known about the black eye had not the lady +asked, as she held her hand over one eye, if there was any truth in +the story that a raw oyster would cure a black eye. She came to us +as an expert.</p> +<div class="figleft"><a href="images/268.png"><img src= +"images/268.png" alt="A woman holds her hand over her eye." id= +"img268" name="img268" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE LADY OF THE SEVENTH WARD.</p> +</div> +<p>When we told her that a piece of beef-steak was worth two +oysters she uncovered the eye. It looked as though painted by one +of the old masters.</p> +<p>Rather than have anybody think she had been having a row, she +explained how it happened. She was sitting with her husband and +little girl in the parlor, and while, the two were reading the +little one disappeared. The mother went to the girl’s room on +tiptoe, to see if she was asleep. She found the girl with all her +dolls on the floor having a dolls’ prayer meeting. She had +them all down on their knees and would let them pray one at a time, +then sing. One of the dolls that squeaked when pressed on the +stomach was the leader of the singing, and the little girl bossed +the job. There was one old maid doll that the little girl seemed to +be disgusted with because the doll talked too much, and she would +say:</p> +<p>“There, Miss, you sit down and let some of the other +sisters get in a word edgeways. Sister Perkins, won’t you +relate your experience?”</p> +<p>After listening to this for a few moments the mother heard the +girl say:</p> +<p>“Now, Polly, you pass the collection plate, and no one +must put in lozengers, and then we will all go to the dancing +school.”</p> +<p>The whole thing was so ridiculous that the mother attempted to +rush down stairs three at a time, to have her husband come up to +the prayer meeting, when she stubbed herself on a stair rod, +and—well, she got the black eye on the journey down stairs, +though what hit her she will probably never know. But she said when +she began to roll down stairs she felt in her innermost soul as +though she had broke up that prayer meeting prematurely.</p> +<h3><a id="The_Dog_Law" name="The_Dog_Law">THE DOG LAW.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>The dog law is as foolish as the anti-treating law, and if it +were not enforced, no harm would be done. Our legislators have to +pass about so many laws anyway, and we should use our judgment +about enforcing them.</p> +<h3><a id="Lunch_on_the_Cars" name="Lunch_on_the_Cars">LUNCH ON THE +CARS.</a></h3> +<p class="returnTOC"><a href="#Contents">Return to Table of +Contents</a></p> +<p>There is nothing that so gives a man away as to open a satchel +and take out a lunch. I have been riding on the cars and have made +the acquaintance of people who would listen to my stories, and take +in every word as gospel truth. They would seem to hang on my words +with pleasure, and be apparently glad they had become acquainted +with one who combined so many graces of mind and person, and they +would gather around so as not to miss a single lie that I might +tell. And yet when I took a paper parcel out of my valise and +opened up a lunch, consisting of bread and onions, and sausage and +sweitzer cheese, they would draw coldly away from me and sit in the +farther part of the car, and appear never to have known me.</p> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S COMPENDIUM OF FUN***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 14815-h.txt or 14815-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/8/1/14815">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/8/1/14815</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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