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diff --git a/old/14815.txt b/old/14815.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2722a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14815.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8005 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Peck's Compendium of Fun, by George W. Peck + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Peck's Compendium of Fun + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: January 27, 2005 [eBook #14815] + +Language: english + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S COMPENDIUM OF FUN*** + + +E-text prepared by Bill Tozier, Barbara Tozier, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14815-h.htm or 14815-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/8/1/14815/14815-h/14815-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/8/1/14815/14815-h.zip) + + + + + +PECK'S COMPENDIUM OF FUN + +Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos +of America's Favorite Humorist, + +GEORGE W. PECK, + +Editor of "Peck's Sun" Milwaukee + +Illustrated by Eminent Artists + +Chicago + +1886 + + + + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + About Hell + Another Dead Failure + Anna Dickinson + A Bald-headed Man Most Crazy + A Case of Paralysis + A Doctor of Laws + A Hot Box at a Picnic + A Lively Train Load + A Mad Minister + A Musical Critique + A Peck at the Cheese + A Plea for the Bull Head + A Sewing Machine Given to the Boss Girl + A Safe Investment + A Tony Slaughter-House + A Trying Situation + An Arm That is not Reliable + An Editor Burglarized + Banks and Banking + Bounced from Church for Dancing + Boys and Circuses + Boys will be Boys + Broke up a Prayer Meeting + Buying a Stone Crusher + "Cash!" + Camp Meetings in the Dark of the Moon + Church Keno + Colored Concert Troupes + Dogs and Human Beings + Effects of Mineral Water + Expedition in Search of a Doughnut + Failure of a Solid Institution + Fishing for Pieces of Women + Fooling with the Bible + George Washington + Granite Head Cheese + Internal Improvements + Joke on the Hat + Killing Big Game + Large Mouths are Fashionable + La Crosse Nebecudnezzer Water + Laying up Apples in Heaven + Mr. Peck's Sunday Lecture + Nearly Broke up the Ball + Our Blue-Coated Dog-Poisoners + Our Christian Neighbors Have Gone + Palace Cattle Cars + + PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + He Becomes a Druggist + He is too Healthy + He Quits the Drug Business + His Pa an Inventor + His Pa Dissected + His Pa Goes Calling + His Pa Goes Skating + His Pa Gets Boxed + His Pa Gets Mad + His Pa Joins a Temperance Society + His Pa Jokes Him + His Pa is Discouraged + His Pa Kills Him + His Pa Mortified + + Religion and Fish + Rope Ladders + Sardineindianapolis + Seven Year Old Horses + Summer Resorting + Take Your Latin Straight + Terror in Church + The Bob-Tailed Badger + The Boy and the Goat + The Difference + The Difference in Horses + The Fire New Year's Day + The Giddy Girl's Quarrel + The Gospel Car + The Infidel and His Silver Mine + The Knight and the Bridal Chamber + The Legend of the Lake + The Man from Dubuque + The Mistake About It + The Naughty But Nice Church Choir + The New Coal Stove + The Sudden Fire-Works at Racine + The Uses of the Paper Bag + The Waters of La Crosse + The Way to Name Children + The Way Women Boss a Pillow + The Woodcock + Those Bold Bad Drummers + Those Step Ladders! + Tragedy on the Stage + Trains Without Conductors + Try to Save Two Shillings + Unscrewing the Top of a Fruit Jar + Why the Fever Did'nt Spread + Woman-Dozing a Democrat + Wonders of the Stage + + + ELECTRIC FLASHES. + + Anna Dickinson as "Mazeppa" + A Black Bear at Onalaska + A Dead Sure Thing + A Fashion Item + A Good Land Enough + A Lecturer Should Know What He Talks About + A Loan Exhibition + A New Sparking Scheme + An Odorous Bohemian + Base Ingratitude + Buttermilk Bibbers + Cats on the Fence + Christmas Trees + Col. Ingersoll Praying + Comforting Compensations + Convenient Currency + Crushing Nihilism + Enterprising Chicago! + Fish Hatching in Wisconsin + Frozen Ears + Gathered Waists! + Geological Survey + Give us War + Good Templars on Ice + Hard on Fond Du Lac + He Would'nt Have His Father Called Names + How Farmers May Get Rich + "How Sharper Than a Hound's Tooth!" + How to Invest a Thousand Dollars + How to Reach Young Men + Hunting Dogs + Insecure Abodes + Lunch on the Cars + Mattie Mashes Minnesota + Merrie Christmas + More Dangerous Than Kerosene + Mrs. Langtry + One of Beecher's Converts + Preparing for War + Raising Elephants + Registry of Electors + Selling Clams + She was no Gentleman + Southern "Honaw" + Spurious Tripe + Sure of Heaven + Supreme Court Judges and U.S. Senators + Ten Days in Love + The Advent Preacher and the Balloon + The Day We Reached Canada + The Dog Law + The Glorious Fourth of July + The Mule not the Eagle + The Old Sweet Songs + The Political Outlook + The Power of Eloquence + The Thirsty Gopher + The Universalist Bath + The Universal Object + The Wicked Mon Kee + The Wrong Corpse + Three Inches of Leg + To What Vile Uses May We Come + Too Particular by Half + What the Country Needs + What the Democrats Will Do + We Will Celebrate + Why not Raise Wolves? + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + + A Scene in Paradise + "Ah, my Friends, Look Down Into That Burning Lake!" + An Intrusive Nigger + At the Telephone + Behind the Scenes + Bossing the Pillow + "Do not Pass me by!" + Drummers Trying to Pray + "Get Thee to a Nunnery!" + "Happy New Year, Mum!" + Hiawasamantha, the Dusky Daughter of the Golden West + "I Want to be an Angel" + It Looked Like an old Dripping Pan + "It is F-f-four Sizes too Big!" + John McCullough Killing a Texas Steer + "Just as I am" + "Keno!" + Martindale Climbs a Pole + "Me Long Lost Duke!" + Mystery of a Woman's Clothes + New Way of Taking Seidlitz Powders + No More Apples for the Minister + "Oh, That Will be all Right" + "Pa Grabbed Her by the Polonaise" + "Sard," and the Greek Slave + Sacred Memories + Slippery Oysters + Swallow-Tails on the Climb + The Lady of the Seventh Ward + The Old Back Number Girl + The Old Man Tries His Hand + The Resorter + The Rotund Urso + The Sexton in all His Glory + The Startled Cat + The Tenor Arrayed in all His Glory + The Wandering Oyster + "Thereby Hangs a Tail." + "This is too Allfired Much!" + "Too Late, Pa, I Die at the Hand of an Assassin!" + Turning the Proper Dingus + "Yell, or go Down!" + + + + +PECK'S COMPENDIUM OF FUN. + + +THE NEW COAL STOVE. + +We never had a coal stove around the house until last Saturday. Have +always used pine slabs and pieces of our neighbor's fence. They burn well, +too, but the fence got all burned up, and the neighbor said he wouldn't +build a new one, so we went down to Jones' and got a coal stove. + +After supper we took a piece of ice and rubbed our hands warm, and went in +where that stove was, resolved to make her draw and burn if it took all +the pine fence in the first Ward. Our better-half threw a quilt over her, +and shiveringly remarked that she never knew what real solid comfort was +until she got a coal stove. + +Stung by the sarcasm in her remark, we turned every dingus on the stove +that was movable, or looked like it had anything to do with the draft, and +pretty soon the stove began to heave up heat. It was not long before she +stuttered like the new Silsby steamer. Talk about your heat! In ten +minutes that room was as much worse than a Turkish bath as Hades is hotter +than Liverman's ice-house. The perspiration fairly fried out of a tin +water cooler in the next room. We opened the doors, and snow began to melt +as far up Vine street as Hanscombe's house, and people all round the +neighborhood put on linen clothes. And we couldn't stop the confounded +thing. + +We forgot what Jones told us about the dampers, and she kept a +biling. The only thing we could do was to go to bed, and leave the thing +to burn the house up if it wanted to. We stood off with a pole and turned +the damper every way, and at every turn she just sent out heat enough to +roast an ox. We went to bed, supposing that the coal would eventually burn +out, but about 12 o'clock the whole family had to get up and sit on the +fence. + +[Illustration: TURNING THE PROPER DINGUS.] + +Finally a man came along who had been brought up among coal stoves, and he +put a wet blanket over him and crept up to the stove and turned the proper +dingus, and she cooled off, and since that time has been just as +comfortable as possible. If you buy a coal stove you got to learn how to +engineer it, or you may get roasted. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA IS DISCOURAGED. + +"Say, you leave here mighty quick," said the grocery man to the bad boy, +as he came in, with his arm in a sling, and backed up against the stove to +get warm. "Everything has gone wrong since you got to coming here, and I +think you are a regular Jonah. I find sand in my sugar, kerosene in the +butter, the codfish is all picked off, and there is something wrong every +time you come here. Now you leave." + +"I aint no Joner," said the boy as he wiped his nose on his coat sleeve, +and reached into a barrel for a snow apple. "I never swallered no whale. +Say, do you believe that story about Joner being in the whale's belly, all +night? I don't. The minister was telling about it at Sunday school last +Sunday, and asked me what I thought Joner was doing while he was in there, +and I told him I interpreted the story this way, that the whale was fixed +up inside with upper and lower berths, like a sleeping car, and Joner had +a lower berth, and the porter made up the berth as soon as Joner came in +with his satchel, and Joner pulled off his boots and gave them to the +porter to black, and put his watch under the pillow and turned in. The +boys in Sunday school all laffed, and the minister said I was a bigger +fool than Pa was, and that was useless. If you go back on me, now, I won't +have a friend, except my chum and a dog, and I swear, by my halidom, that +I never put no sand in your sugar, or kerosene in your butter. I admit the +picking off of the codfish, but you can charge it to Pa, the same as you +did the eggs that I pushed my chum over into last summer, though I thought +you did wrong in charging Christmas prices for dog days eggs. When my +chum's Ma scraped his pants she said there was not an egg represented on +there that was less than two years old. The Sunday school folks +have all gone back on me, since I put kyan pepper on the stove, when they +were singing 'Little Drops of Water,' and they all had to go out doors and +air themselves, but I didn't mean to let the pepper drop on the stove. I +was just holding it over the stove to warm it, when my chum hit the funny +bone of my elbow. Pa says I am a terror to cats. Every time Pa says +anything, it gives me a new idea. I tell you Pa has got a great brain, but +sometimes he don't have it with him. When he said I was a terror to cats I +thought what fun there is in cats, and me and my chum went to stealing +cats right off, and before night we had eleven cats caged. We had one in a +canary bird cage, three in Pa's old hat boxes, three in Ma's band box, +four in valises, two in a trunk, and the rest in a closet up stairs. + +"That night Pa said he wanted me to stay home because the committee that +is going to get up a noyster supper in the church was going to meet at our +house, and they might want to send me on errands. I asked him if my chum +couldn't stay too, 'cause he is the healthiest infant to run after errands +that ever was, and Pa said he could stay, but we must remember that there +musn't be no monkey business going on. I told him there shouldn't be no +monkey business, but I didn't promise nothing about cats. Well, sir, you'd +a dide. The committee was in the library by the back stairs, and me and my +chum got the cat boxes all together, at the top of the stairs, and we took +them all out and put them in a clothes basket, and just as the minister +was speaking, and telling what a great good was done by these oyster +sociables, in bringing the young people together, and taking their minds +from the wickedness of the world, and turning their thoughts into +different channels, one of the old tom cats in the basket gave a 'purmeow' +that sounded like the wail of a lost soul, or a challenge to battle. I +told my chum that we couldn't hold the bread-board over the clothes basket +much longer, when two or three cats began to yowl, and the minister +stopped talking and Pa told Ma to open the stair door and tell the hired +girl to see what was the matter up there. She thought our cat had got shut +up in the storm door, and she opened the stair door to yell to the girl, +and then I pushed the clothes basket, cats and all down the back stairs. +Well, sir, I suppose no committee for a noyster supper, was ever more +astonished. I heard Ma fall over a willow rocking chair, and say, 'scat,' +and I heard Pa say, 'well. I'm dam'd,' and a girl that sings in the choir +say, 'Heavens, I am stabbed,' then my chum and me ran to the front of the +house and come down the front stairs looking as innocent as could be, and +we went in the library, and I was just going to tell Pa if there was any +errands he wanted run my chum and me was just aching to run them, when a +yellow cat without any tail was walking over the minister, and Pa was +throwing a hassock at two cats that were clawing each other under the +piano, and Ma was trying to get her frizzes back on her head, and the +choir girl was standing on the lounge with her dress pulled up, trying to +scare cats with her striped stockings, and the minister was holding his +hands up, and I guess he was asking a blessing on the cats, and my chum +opened the front door and all the cats went out. Pa and Ma looked at me, +and I said it wasn't me, and the minister wanted to know how so much cat +hair got on my coat and vest, and I said a cat met me in the hall and +kicked me, and Ma cried, and Pa said 'that boy beats hell,' and the +minister said, I would be all right if I had been properly brought up, and +then Ma was mad, and the committee broke up. Well, to tell the honest +truth Pa basted me, and yanked me around until I had to have my arm in a +sling, but what's the use of making such a fuss about a few cats. Ma said +she never wanted to have my company again, 'cause I spoiled everything. +But I got even with Pa for basting me, this morning, and I dassent go +home. You see Ma has got a great big bath sponge as big as a chair +cushion, and this morning I took the sponge and filled it with warm water, +and took the feather cushion out of the chair Pa sits in at the table, and +put the sponge in its place, and covered it over with the cushion cover, +and when we all got set down to the table Pa came in and sat down on it to +ask a blessing. He started in by closing his eyes and placing his hands up +in front of him like the letter V, and then he began to ask that the food +we were about to partake off be blessed, and then he was going on to ask +that all of us be made to see the error of our ways, when he began to +hitch around, and he opened one eye and looked at me, and I looked as +pious as a boy can look when he knows the pancakes are getting cold, and +Pa he kind of sighed and said 'Amen' sort of snappish, and he got up and +told Ma he didn't feel well, and she would have to take his place and pass +around the sassidge and potatoes, and he looked kind of scart and went out +with his hand on his pistol pocket, as though he would like to shoot, and +Ma she got up and went around and sat in Pa's chair. The sponge didn't +hold more than half a pail full of water, and I didn't want to play no +joke on Ma, cause the cats nearly broke her up, but she sat down and was +just going to help me, when she rung the bell and called the hired girl, +and said she felt as though her neuralgia was coming on, and she would go +to her room, and told the girl to sit down and help Hennery. The girl sat +down and poured me out some coffee, and then she said, 'Howly Saint +Patrick, but I blave those pancakes are burning,' and she went out in the +kitchen. I drank my coffee, and then took the big sponge out of the chair +and put the cushion in the place of it, and then I put the sponge in the +bath room, and I went up to Pa and Ma's room, and asked them if I should +go after the doctor, and Pa had changed his clothes and got on his Sunday +pants, and he said, 'never mind the doctor, I guess we will pull through,' +and for me to get out and go to the devil, and I came over here. Say, +there is no harm in a little warm water, is there? Well, I'd like to know +what Pa and Ma and the hired girl thought. I am the only real healthy one +there is in our family." + + +THREE INCHES OF LEG. + +Blanche Williams, of Philadelphia, who met with an accident at Fairmount +Water-works, by which one leg was broken, and rendered three inches +shorter than the rest of her legs, has recovered $10,000 damages. It would +seem, to the student of nature, to be a pretty good price for three inches +of ordinary leg, but then some people will make such a fuss. + + +MORE DANGEROUS THAN KEROSENE. + +The regular weekly murder is reported from Peshtigo. Two men named Glass +and Penrue, got to quarreling about a girl, in a hay loft, over a barn. +Glass stabbed Penrue quite a number of times and he died. There is nothing +much more dangerous, unless it is kerosene, than two men and a girl, in a +hay loft quarreling. + + +TEN DAYS IN LOVE. + +There is a fearfully harrowing story going the rounds of the papers headed +"Ten Days in Love." It must have been dreadful, with no Sunday, no day of +rest, no holiday, just nothing but love, for ten long days. By the way, +did the person live? + + +BOYS WILL BE BOYS. + +Not many months ago there was a meeting of ministers in Wisconsin, and +after the holy work in which they were engaged had been done up to the +satisfaction of all, a citizen of the place where the conference was held +invited a large number of them to a collation at his house. After supper a +dozen of them adjourned to a room up stairs to have a quiet smoke, as +ministers sometimes do, when they got to talking about old times, when +they attended school and were boys together, and _The Sun_ man, who was +present, disguised as a preacher, came to the conclusion that ministers +were rather human than otherwise when they are young. + +One two-hundred pound delegate with a cigar between his fingers, blew the +smoke out of the mouth which but a few hours before was uttering a +supplication to the Most High to make us all good, punched a thin elder in +the ribs with his thumb and said: "Jim, do you remember the time we +carried the cow and calf up into the recitation room?" For a moment "Jim" +was inclined to stand on his dignity, and he looked pained, until they all +began to laugh, when he looked around to see if any worldly person was +present, and satisfying himself that we were all truly good, he said: "You +bet your life I remember it. I have got a scar on my shin now where that +d--blessed cow hooked me," and he began to roll up his trouser leg to show +the scar. They told him they would take his word, and he pulled down his +pants and said: + +"Well, you see I was detailed to attend to the calf, and I carried the +calf up stairs, assisted by Bill Smith--who is preaching in Chicago; got a +soft thing--five thousand a year, and a parsonage furnished, and keeps a +team, and if one of those horses is not a trotter then I am no judge of +horseflesh or of Bill, and if he don't put on an old driving coat and go +out on the road occasionally and catch on for a race with some +wordly-minded man, then I am another. You hear me--well, I never knew a +calf was so heavy, and had so many hind legs. Kick! Why, bless your old +alabaster heart, that calf walked all over me, from Genesis to +Revelations. And say, we didn't get much of a breeze the next morning, did +we, when we had to clean out the recitation room?" + +[Illustration: SACRED MEMORIES] + +A solemn-looking minister, with red hair, who was present, and whose eyes +twinkled some through the smoke, said to another: + +"Charlie, you remember you were completely gone on the professor's niece +who was visiting there from Poughkeepsie? What become of her." + +Charlie put his feet on the table, struck a match on his trousers, and +said: + +"Well, I wasn't gone on her, as you say, but just liked her. Not +too well, you know, but just well enough. She had a color of hair that I +could never stand--just the color of yours, Hank--and when she got to +going with a printer I kind of let up, and they were married. I understand +he is editing a paper somewhere in Illinois, and getting rich. It was +better for her, as now she has a place to live, and does not have to board +around like a country school ma'am, as she would if she had married me." + +A dark haired man, with a coat buttoned clear to the neck, and a +countenance like a funeral sermon, with no more expression than a wooden +decoy duck, who was smoking a briar-wood pipe that he had picked up on a +what-not that belonged to the host, knocked the ashes out in a spittoon, +and said: + +"Boys, do you remember the time we stole that three-seated wagon and went +out across the marsh to Kingsley's farm, after watermelons?" + +Four of them said they remembered it well enough, and Jim said all he +asked was to live long enough to get even with Bill Smith, the Chicago +preacher, for suggesting to him to steal a bee-hive on the trip. "Why," +said he, "before I had got twenty feet with that hive, every bee in it had +stung me a dozen times. And do you remember how we played it on the +professor, and made him believe that I had the chicken pox? O, gentlemen, +a glorious immortality awaits you beyond the grave for lying me out of +that scrape." + +The fat man hitched around uneasy in his chair and said they all seemed to +have forgotten the principal event of that excursion, and that was how he +tried to lift a bull dog over the fence by the teeth, which had become +entangled in a certain portion of his wardrobe that should not be +mentioned, and how he left a sample of his trousers in the possession of +the dog, and how the farmer came to the college the next day with +his eyes blacked, and a piece of trousers cloth done up in a paper, and +wanted the professor to try and match it with the pants of some of the +divinity students, and how he had to put on a pair of nankeen pants and +hide his cassimeres in the boat house until the watermelon scrape blew +over and he could get them mended. + +Then the small brunette minister asked if he was not entitled to some +credit for blacking the farmer's eyes. Says he: "When he got over the +fence and grabbed the near horse by the bits, and said he would have the +whole gang in jail, I felt as though something had got to be done, and I +jumped out on the other side of the wagon and walked around to him and put +up my hands and gave him 'one, two, three' about the nose, with my +blessing, and he let go that horse and took his dog back to the house." + +"Well," says the red haired minister, "those melons were green, anyway, +but it was the fun of stealing them that we were after." + +At this point the door opened and the host entered, and, pushing the smoke +away with his hands, he said: "Well, gentlemen, you are enjoying +yourselves?" + +They threw their cigar stubs in the spittoon, the solemn man laid the +brier wood pipe where he got it, and the fat man said: + +"Brother Drake, we have been discussing the evil effects of indulging in +the weed, and we have come to the conclusion that while tobacco is always +bound to be used to a certain extent by the thoughtless, it is a duty the +clergy owe to the community to discountenance its use on all possible +occasions. Perhaps we had better adjourn to the parlor, and after asking +divine guidance take our departure." + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HE BECOMES A DRUGGIST. + +"Whew! What is that smells so about this store? It seems as though +everything had turned frowy," said the grocery man to his clerk in the +presence of the bad boy, who was standing with his back to the stove, his +coat-tails parted with his hands, and a cigarette in his mouth. + +"May be it is me that smells frowy," said the boy as he put his thumbs in +the armholes of his vest, and spit at the keyhole in the door. "I have +gone into business." + +"By thunder, I believe it is you," said the grocery man, as he went up to +the boy and snuffed a couple of times and then held his hand to his nose. +"The board of health will kerosene you if they ever smell that smell, and +send you to the glue factory. What business have you gone into to make you +smell so rank?" + +"Well, you see Pa began to think it was time I learned a trade, or a +profession, and he saw a sign in a drug store window 'boy wanted,' and as +he had a boy he didn't want, he went to the druggist and got a job for me. +This smell on me will go off in a few weeks. You know I wanted to try all +the perfumery in the store, and after I had got about forty different +extracts on my clothes, another boy that worked there he fixed up a bottle +of benzine and assafety and brimstone, and a whole lot of other horrid +stuff, and labeled it 'rose geranium,' and I guess I just wallered in it. +It _is_ awful, aint it? It kerflummixed Ma when I went into the +dining-room the first night that I got home from the store, and broke Pa +all up. He said I reminded him of the time they had a litter of skunks +under the barn. The air seemed fixed around where I am, and everybody +seems to know who fixed it. A girl came into the store yesterday to buy a +satchet, and there wasn't anybody there but me, and I didn't know what it +was, and I took down everything in the store pretty near before I found +it, and then I wouldn't have found it only the proprietor came in. The +girl asked the proprietor if there wasn't a good deal of sewer gas in the +store, and he told me to go out and shake myself. I think the girl was mad +at me because I got a nursing bottle out of the show case with a rubber +muzzle, and asked her if that was what she wanted. Well, she told me a +sachet was something for the stummick, and I thought a nursing bottle was +the nearest thing to it." + +[Illustration: NEW WAY OF TAKING SEIDLITZ POWDERS] + +"I should think you would drive all the customers away from the store," +said the groceryman as he opened the door to let the fresh air in. + +"I don't know but I will, but I am hired for a month on trial, and I shall +stay. You see, I sha'n't practice on anybody but Pa for a spell. I made up +my mind to that when I gave a woman some salts instead of powdered borax, +and she came back mad. Pa seems to want to encourage me, and is willing to +take anything that I ask him to. He had a sore throat and wanted something +for it, and the boss drugger told me to put some tannin and chlorate of +potash in a mortar and grind it, and I let Pa pound it with the mortar, +and while he was pounding I dropped in a couple of drops of sulphuric +acid, and it exploded and blowed Pa's hat clear across the store, and Pa +was whiter than a sheet. He said he guessed his throat was all right, and +he wouldn't come near me again that day. The next day Pa came in, and I +was laying for him. I took a white seidletz powder and a blue one, and +dissolved them in separate glasses, and when Pa came in I asked him if he +didn't want some lemonade, and he said he did, and I gave him the sour one +and he drank it. He said it was too sour, and then I gave him the other +glass that looked like water, to take the taste out of his mouth, and he +drank it. Well, sir, when those two powders got together in Pa's +stummick, and began to siz and steam and foam, Pa pretty near choked to +death, and the suds came out of his nostrils, and his eyes stuck out, and +as soon as he could get his breath he yelled 'fire,' and said he was +poisoned, and called for a doctor, but I thought as long as we had a +doctor right in the family there was no use of hiring one, so I got a +stomach pump and would have baled him out in no time, only the proprietor +came in and told me to go and wash some bottles, and he gave Pa a drink of +brandy, and Pa said he felt better. Pa has learned where we keep the +liquor, and he comes in two or three times a day with a pain in his +stomach. They play awful mean tricks on a boy in a drug store. The first +day they put a chunk of something blue into a mortar, and told me to +pulverize it and then make it up into two grain pills. Well, sir, I +pounded that chunk all the forenoon, and it never pulverized at all, and +the boss told me to hurry up as the woman was waiting for the pills, and I +mauled it till I was nearly dead, and when it was time to go to supper the +boss came and looked in the mortar, and took out the chunk and said, 'You +dum fool, you have been pounding all day on a chunk of India rubber, +instead of blue mass!' Well, how did I know? But I will get even with them +if I stay there long enough, and don't you forget it. If you have a +prescription you want filled you can come down to the store and I will put +it up for you myself, and then you will be sure to get what you pay for." + +"Yes," said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of limberg cheese and +put it on the stove to purify the air in the room, "I should laugh to see +myself taking any medicine you put up. You will kill some one yet, by +giving them poison instead of quinine. But what has your Pa got his nose +tied up for? He looks as though he had had a fight." + +"O, that was from my treatment. He had a wart on his nose. You +know that wart. You remember how the minister told him if other peoples' +business had a button hole in it, Pa could button the wart in the +button-hole, as he always had his nose there. Well, I told Pa I could cure +that wart with caustic, and he said he would give five dollars if I could +cure it, so I took a stick of caustic and burned the wart off, but I guess +I burned down into the nose a little, for it swelled up as big as a +lobster. Pa says he would rather have a whole nest of warts than such a +nose, but it will be all right in a year or two." + + +A LOAN EXHIBITION. + +"What is a loan exhibition?" asks a correspondent. Well, when a fellow +borrows ten dollars of you, to be paid next Saturday, and he lets it run a +year and a half, and don't pay it, and he meets you on the street and asks +for five dollars more, and you turn him around and kick him right before +the crowd, that is a loan exhibition. + + +THE WICKED MON KEE. + +Mon Kee, a Chinaman that was converted to regular United States religious +doctrines, and opened a mission in New York for the purpose of converting +more heathens and shethens, has been arrested for stealing. This is a +terrible blow, and Mon Kee was a terrible plower. A few weeks since the +religious papers made more blow over the coming into the fold of that +Chinaman than they did over all the editors in the country, who went not +astray. Now they have shut up their yawp about him, since he has proved to +be no better than Talmage or Beecher. + + +UNSCREWING THE TOP OF A FRUIT JAR. + +There is one thing that there should be a law passed about, and that is, +these glass fruit jars, with a top that screws on. It should be made a +criminal offense, punishable with death or banishment to Chicago, for a +person to manufacture a fruit jar, for preserving fruit, with a top that +screws on. Those jars look nice when the fruit is put up in them, and the +house-wife feels as though she was repaid for all her perspiration over a +hot stove, as she looks at the glass jars of different berries, on the +shelf in the cellar. + +The trouble does not begin until she has company, and decides to tap a +little of her choice fruit. After the supper is well under way, she sends +for a jar, and tells the servant to unscrew the top, and pour the fruit +into a dish. The girl brings it into the kitchen, and proceeds to unscrew +the top. She works gently at first, then gets mad, wrenches at it, sprains +her wrist, and begins to cry, with her nose on the underside of her apron, +and skins her nose on the dried pancake batter that is hidden in the folds +of the apron. + +Then the little house-wife takes hold of the fruit can, smilingly, and +says she will show the girl how to take off the top. She sits down on the +wood-box, takes the glass jar between her knees, runs out her tongue, and +twists. But the cover does not twist. The cover seems to feel as though it +was placed there to keep guard over that fruit, and it is as immovable as +the Egyptian pyramids. The little lady works until she is red in the face, +and until her crimps all come down, and then she sets it away to wait for +the old man to come home. He comes in tired, disgusted, and mad as a +hornet, and when the case is laid before him, he goes out in the kitchen, +pulls off his coat and takes the jar. + +He remarks that he is at a loss to know what women are made for, +anyway. He says they are all right to sit around and do crochet work, but +when strategy, brain, and muscle are required, then they can't get along +without a man. He tries to unscrew the cover, and his thumb slips off and +knocks the skin off the knuckle. He breathes a silent prayer and calls for +the kerosene can, and pours a little oil into the crevice, and lets it +soak, and then he tries again, and swears audibly. + +[Illustration: THE OLD MAN TRIES HIS HAND.] + +Then he calls for a tack-hammer, and taps the cover gently on one side, +the glass jar breaks, and the juice runs down his trousers leg, on the +table and all around. Enough of the fruit is saved for supper, and the old +man goes up the back stairs to tie his thumb up in a rag, and change his +pants. + +All come to the table smiling, as though nothing had happened, +and the house-wife don't allow any of the family to have any sauce for +fear they will get broken glass into their stomachs, but the "company" is +provided for generously, and all would be well only for a remark of a +little boy who, when asked if he will have some more of the sauce, says he +"don't want no strawberries pickled in kerosene." The smiling little +hostess steals a smell of the sauce while they are discussing politics, +and believes she does smell kerosene, and she looks at the old man kind of +spunky, when he glances at the rag on his thumb and asks if there is no +liniment in the house. + +The preserving of fruit in glass jars is broken up in that house, and four +dozen jars are down cellar to lay upon the lady's mind till she gets a +chance to send some of them to a charity picnic. The glass jar fruit can +business is played out unless a scheme can be invented to get the top off. + + +HE WOULDN'T HAVE HIS FATHER CALLED NAMES. + +A man died in Oshkosh who was over eighty years of age. After the funeral +the minister who conducted the services, said to the son of the deceased, +"your father was an octogenarian." The young man colored up, doubled up +his fist, and said to the minister that he would like to have him repeat +that remark. The minister said, "I say your father was an old +octogenarian." He had not more than got the word out of his mouth before +the young man struck him on the nose, knocked him down, kicked him in the +ear, and when pulled off by a policeman, he said no holyghoster could call +his dead father names, not around him. The minister said he couldn't have +been more surprised if some one had paid a year's pew rent, than he was +when that young man's fist hit him. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HE QUITS THE DRUG BUSINESS. + +"What are you loafing around here for," says the grocery man to the bad +boy one day this week. "It is after nine o'clock, and I should think you +would want to be down to the drug store. How do you know but there may be +somebody dying for a dose of pills?" + +"O, darn the drug store. I have got sick of that business, and I have +dissolved with the drugger. I have resigned. The policy of the store did +not meet with my approval, and I have stepped out and am waiting for them +to come and tender me a better position at an increased salary," said the +boy, as he threw a cigar stub into a barrel of prunes and lit a fresh one. + +"Resigned, eh?" said the grocery man as he fished out the cigar stub and +charged the boy's father with two pounds of prunes, didn't you and the +boss agree?" + +"Not exactly, I gave an old lady some gin when she asked for camphor and +water, and she made a show of herself. I thought I would fool her, but she +knew mighty well what it was, and she drank about half a pint of gin, and +got to tipping over bottles and kegs of paint, and when the drug man came +in with his wife, the old woman threw her arms around his neck and called +him her darling, and when he pushed her away, and told her she was drunk, +she picked up a bottle of citrate of magnesia and pointed it at him, and +the cork came out like a pistol, and he thought he was shot, and his wife +fainted away, and the police came and took the old gin refrigerator away, +and then the drug man told me to face the door, and, when I wasn't looking +he kicked me four times, and I landed in the street, and he said if I ever +came in sight of the store again he would kill me dead. That is the way I +resigned. I tell you, they will send for me again. They never can run that +store without me. + +"I guess they will worry along without you," said the grocery +man. "How does your Pa take your being fired out? I should think it would +brake him all up." + +"O, I think Pa rather likes it. At first he thought he had a soft snap +with me in the drug store, cause he has got to drinking again, like a +fish, and he has gone back on the church entirely; but after I had put a +few things in his brandy he concluded it was cheaper to buy it, and he is +now patronizing a barrel house down by the river. + +"One day I put some Castile soap in a drink of drandy, and Pa leaned over +the back fence more than an hour, with his finger down his throat. The man +that collects the ashes from the alley asked Pa if he had lost anything, +and Pa said he was only 'sugaring off.' I don't know what that is. When Pa +felt better he came in and wanted a little whisky to take the taste out of +his mouth, and I gave him some, with about a teaspoonful of pulverized +alum in it. Well, sir, you'd a dide. Pa's mouth and throat was so puckered +up that he couldn't talk. I don't think that drugman will make anything by +firing me out, because I shall turn all the trade that I control to +another store. Why, sir, sometimes there were eight and nine girls in the +store all at wonct, on account of my being there. They came to have me put +extracts on their handkerchiefs, and to eat gum drops--he will lose all +that trade now. My girl that went back on me for the telegraph messenger +boy, she came with the rest of the girls, but she found that I could be as +'hawty as a dook.' I got even with her, though. I pretended I wasn't mad, +and when she wanted me to put some perfumery on her handkerchief I said +'all right,' and I put on a little geranium and white rose, and then I got +some tincture of assafety, and sprinkled it on her dress and cloak when +she went out. That is about the worst smelling stuff that ever was, and I +was glad when she went out and met the telegraph boy on the corner. They +went off together; but he came back pretty soon, about the +homesickest boy you ever saw, and he told my chum he would never go with +that girl again because she smelled like spoiled oysters or sewer gas. Her +folks noticed it, and made her go and wash her feet and soak herself, and +her brother told my chum it didn't do any good, she smelled just like a +glue factory, and my chum--the darn fool--told her brother that it was me +who perfumed her, and he hit me in the eye with a frozen fish, down by the +fish store, and that's what made my eye black; but I know how to cure a +black eye. I have not been in a drug store eight days, and not know how to +cure a black eye; and I guess I learned that girl not to go back on a boy +'cause he smelled like a goat. + +"Well, what was it about your leaving the wrong medicine at houses? The +policeman in this ward told me you come pretty near killing several people +by leaving the wrong medicine." + +"The way of it was this. There was about a dozen different kinds of +medicine to leave at different places, and I was in a hurry to go to the +roller skating rink, so I got my chum to help me, and we just took the +numbers of the houses, and when we rung the bell we would hand out the +first package we come to, and I understand there was a good deal of +complaint. One old maid who ordered powder for her face, her ticket drew +some worm lozengers, and she kicked awfully, and a widow who was going to +be married, she ordered a celluloid comb and brush, and she got a nursing +bottle with a rubber nozzle, and a toothing ring, and she made quite a +fuss; but the woman who was weaning her baby and wanted the nursing +bottle, she got the comb and brush and some blue pills, and she never made +any fuss at all. It makes a good deal of difference, I notice, whether a +person gets a better thing than they order or not. But the drug business +is too lively for me. I have got to have a quiet place, and I guess I will +be a cash boy in a store. Pa says he thinks I was cut out for a bunko +steerer, and I may look for that kind of a job. Pa he is a terror since he +got to drinking again. He came home the other day, when the minister was +calling on Ma, and just cause the minister was sitting on the sofa with +Ma, and had his hand on her shoulder, where she said the pain was when the +rheumatiz came on, Pa was mad and told the minister he would kick his +liver clear around on the other side if he caught him there again, and Ma +felt awful about it. After the minister had gone away, Ma told Pa he had +got no feeling at all, and Pa said he had got enough feeling for one +family, and he didn't want no sky-sharp to help him. He said he could cure +all the rheumatiz there was around the house, and then he went down town +and didn't get home till most breakfast time. Ma says she thinks I am +responsible for Pa's falling into bad ways again, and now I am going to +cure him. You watch me, and see if I don't have Pa in the church in less +than a week, praying and singing, and going home with the choir singers, +just as pious as ever. I am going to get a boy that writes a woman's hand +to write to Pa, and--but I must not give it away. But you just watch Pa, +that's all. Well, I must go and saw some wood. It is coming down a good +deal, from a drug clerk to sawing wood, but I will get on top yet, and +don't you forget it." + + +GIVE US WAR! + +We are in receipt of a circular from the American peace society, +requesting us to leave a sum of money, in our will, to the society to be +applied to the interest of peace. We are opposed to peace, on such terms. +Give us war, every time. + + +THE FIRE NEW YEAR'S DAY. + +If there is anything the young men of Rescue Hose Company pride themselves +upon, it is in getting themselves up, regardless of expense, on New Year's +day, and calling upon their lady friends. On Monday last these young men +arrayed themselves in their best clothes and sat around in stores and +waited for the time to go calling. Solomon in all his glory, was not +arrayed like one of these firemen. + +[Illustration: SWALLOW-TAILS ON THE CLIMB.] + +Just as the young gentlemen were about throwing away their last cigar at +noon, preparatory to calling at the first place on the list, the fire-bell +rang, and there was a lively procession followed the steamer down Fourth +street in a few minutes. It looked as though a wedding had been broken up +and bridegrooms were running around loose. The party arrived at the scene +of the fire, which was Matt. Larsen's hotel on the corner of Second and +King streets, and such a shinning of swallow-tailed coats up blue ladders +was never seen. The fellows that belonged in the house threw out bedsteads +and crockery on to stove-pipe hats, and emptied beds on to +broadcloth coats. The wedding party disappeared in the third story window +with the hose, in the smoke, and after half an hour's work they came out +looking as though they had been in the Ashtabula railroad accident. Young +Mr. Smith had a stream of dirty water sent up his trousers leg, which went +clear up to his collar, and wilted it beyond repair. Mr. Hatch entwined +his doeskin pants around the burnt ridge-pole of the roof, hung on to a +rafter with his teeth, and chopped shingles, and the pipemen kept him wet, +and he looked like a bundle of damp stuff in a paper mill. Mr. Spence was +on the top of the ladder, and Mr. Drummond was next below him. In falling, +Mr. D. caught hold of one tail of Mr. Spence's swallow hammer coat, and +stretched the tail about two feet longer than the other. Mr. Foote was as +dry as a bone, until the pipeman saw him, and they nailed him up against +the wall with a stream and Foote was damp as a wet nurse in a minute. + +Young Mr. Osborne, confidential adviser of Hyde, Cargill & Co., got half +way up the ladder, and a leak in the hose struck him and froze him to the +ladder, and Mr. Watson had to strike a match and thaw him loose. He wet +his pants from Genesis to Revelations, and had to go calling with an +ulster overcoat on. The most of the young men, after returning from the +fire, stood by the stove and dried themselves, and went calling all the +same, but the girls said they smelt like burnt shingles. The boys were all +dry enough at the dance in the evening. + + +SOUTHERN "HONAW." + +Bennett and May fought a duel in Maryland the other day, and as near as +the truth can be arrived at neither party received a scratch. But their +"honaw" was satisfied. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA KILLS HIM. + +"For heaven's sake dry up that whistling," said the grocery man to the bad +boy, as he sat on a bag of peanuts, whistling and filling his pockets. +"There is no sense in such whistling. What do you whistle for, anyway?" + +"I am practicing my profession," said the boy, as he got up and stretched +himself, and cut off a slice of cheese, and took a few crackers. "I have +always been a good whistler, and I have decided to turn my talent to +account. I am going to hire an office and put out a sign, 'Boy furnished +to whistle for lost dogs.' You see there are dogs lost every day, and any +man would give half a dollar to a boy to find his dog. I can hire out to +whistle for dogs, and can go around whistling and enjoy myself, and make +money. Don't you think it is a good scheme?" asked the boy of the grocery +man. + +"Naw," said the grocery man, as he charged the cheese to the boy's father, +and picked up his cigar stub, which he had left on the counter, and which +the boy had rubbed on the kerosene barrel, "No, sir, that whistle would +scare any dog that heard it. Say, what was your Pa running after the +doctor in his shirt sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked scared. Was +your Ma sick again?" + +"O, no; Ma is healthy enough, now she has got a new fur lined cloak. She +played consumption on Pa, and coughed so she liked to raise her lights and +liver, and made Pa believe she couldn't live, and got the doctor to +prescribe a fur lined circular, and Pa went and got one, and Ma has +improved awfully. Her cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I was +the one that was sick. You see, I wanted to get Pa into the church again, +and get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to write a letter to +him, in a female hand, and sign the name of a choir singer Pa was mashed +on, and tell him she was yearning for him to come back to the church, and +that the church seemed a blank without his smiling face, and benevolent +heart, and to please come back for her sake. Pa got the letters Saturday +night and he seemed tickled, but I guess he dreamed about it all night, +and Sunday morning he was mad, and he took me by the ear and said I +couldn't come no 'Daisy' business on him the second time. He said he knew +I wrote the letter, and for me to go up to the store room and prepare for +the almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he went down stairs and broke +up an apple barrel and got a stave to whip me with. Well, I had to think +mighty quick, but I was enough for him. I got a dried bladder in my room, +one that me and my chum got to the slotter house, and I blowed it partly +up, so it would be sort of flat like, and I put it down inside the back +part of my pants, right about where Pa hits when he punishes me. I knowed +when the barrel stave hit the bladder it would explode. Well, Pa came up +and found me crying. I can cry just as easy as you can turn on the water +at a faucet, and Pa took off his coat and looked sorry. I was afraid he +would give up whipping me when he saw me cry, and I wanted the bladder +experiment to go on, so I looked kind of hard, as if I was defying him to +do his worst, and then he took me by the neck and laid me across a trunk. +I didn't dare struggle much for fear the bladder would loose itself, and +Pa said, 'Now, Hennery, I am going to break you of this damfoolishness, or +I will break your back,' and he spit on his hands and brought the barrel +stave down on my best pants. Well, you'd a dide if you had heard the +explosion. It almost knocked me off the trunk. It sounded like firing a +firecracker away down cellar in a barrel, and Pa looked scared. I rolled +off the trunk, on the floor, and put some flour on my face, to make me +look pale, and then I kind of kicked my legs like a fellow who is dying on +the stage, after being stabbed with a piece of lath, and groaned, and +said, 'Pa you have killed me, but I forgive you,' and then rolled around, +and frothed at the mouth, cause I had a piece of soap in my mouth to make +foam. Well, Pa was all broke up. He said, 'Great God, what have I done? I +have broke his spinal column. O, my poor boy, do not die!' I kept chewing +the soap and foaming at the mouth, and I drew my legs up and kicked them +out, and clutched my hair, and rolled my eyes, and then kicked Pa in the +stummick as he bent over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then +my limbs began to get rigid, and I said, 'Too late, Pa, I die at the hand +of an assassin. Go for a doctor.' Pa throwed his coat over me, and started +down stairs on a run, 'I have murdered my brave boy,' and he told Ma to go +up stairs and stay with me, cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured a +blood vessel, and he went after a doctor. When he went out the front door, +I sat up and lit a cigarette, and Ma came up and I told her all about how +I fooled Pa, and if she would take on and cry, when Pa got back, I would +get him to go to church again, and swear off drinking, and she said she +would. + +[Illustration: "TOO LATE, PA, I DIE AT THE HAND OF AN ASSASSIN!"] + +"So when Pa and the doc. came back, Ma was sitting on a velocipede I used +to ride, which was in the store-room, and she had her apron over her face, +and she just more than bellowed. Pa he was pale, and he told the doc. he +was just playing with me with a little piece of board, and he heard +something crack, and he guessed my spine got broke falling off the trunk. +The doctor wanted to feel where my spine got broke, but I opened my eyes +and had a vacant kind of stare, like a woman who leads a dog by a string, +and looked as though my mind was wandering, and I told the doctor there +was no use setting my spine, as it was broke in several places, +and I wouldn't let him feel of the dried bladder. I told Pa I was going to +die, and I wanted him to promise me two things on my dying bed. He cried +and said he would, and I told him to promise me he would quit drinking, +and attend church regular, and he said he would never drink another drop, +and would go to church every Sunday. I made him get down on his knees +beside me and swear it, and the doc. witnessed it, and Ma said she was so +glad, and Ma called the doctor out in the hall and told him the joke, and +the doc. came in and told Pa he was afraid Pa's presence would excite the +patient, and for him to put on his coat and go out and walk around the +block, or go to church, and Ma and he would remove me to another room, and +do all that was possible to make my last hours pleasant. Pa he cried, and +said he would put on his plug hat and go to church, and he kissed me, and +got flour on his nose, and I came near laughing right out, to see the +white flour on his red nose, when I thought how the people in church would +laugh at Pa. But he went out feeling mighty bad, and then I got up and +pulled the bladder out of my pants, and Ma and the doc. laughed awful. +When Pa got back from church and asked for me, Ma said that I had gone +down town. She said the doctor found my spine was only uncoupled and he +coupled it together, and I was all right. Pa was nervous all the +afternoon, and Ma thinks he suspects that we played it on him. Say, you +don't think there is any harm in playing it on an old man a little for a +good cause, do you?" + +The grocery man said he supposed, in the interest of reform it was all +right, but if it was his boy that played such tricks he would take an ax +to him, and the boy went out, apparently encouraged, saying he hadn't seen +the old man since the day before, and he was almost afraid to meet him. + + +A MUSICAL CRITIQUE. + +[Illustration: THE ROTUND URSO.] + +The second lecture of the Library Association course was delivered on +Tuesday evening by a female lecturer named Camilla Urso, on a fiddle. The +lecturer was supported by a female singer, two male clamsellers, and a +piano masher, all of them decidedly talented in their particular lines. +The lecture on the fiddle gave the most unbounded satisfaction, and the +Association in taking this new departure, has struck a popular chord. +Scarcely a person in the vast audience but would prefer such an +entertainment to a dry lecture by some dictionary sharp. Of the +performance, it is unnecessary to go into details, as all our readers were +there, with few exceptions. The fat female, Urso, more than carved the +fiddle. She dug sweet morsels of music out of it, all the way from the +wish-bone to the part that goes over the fence last. She made it talk +Norwegian, and squeezed little notes out of it not bigger than a cambric +needle, and as smooth as a book agent. The female singer was fair, though +nothing to brag on, while the male grasshopper sufferers sang as well as +was necessary. But the most agile flea-catcher that has been here since +Anna Dickinson's time, was sixteen-fingered Jack, the sandhill +crane that had the disturbance with the piano. We never knew what the row +was about, but when he walked up to the piano smiling, and shied his +castor into the ring, everybody could see there was going to be trouble. +He spit on his hands, sparred a little, and suddenly landed a stunning +blow right on the ivory, which staggered the piano, and caused an +exclamation of agony. First knock down for Jack. He paused a moment and +then began putting in blows right and left, in such a cruel manner that +the spectators came near breaking into the ring. Whenever a key showed its +head he mauled it. We never saw a piano stand so much punishment, and +live, and Jack never got a scratch. The whole concert was a success, and +the troupe can always get a good house here. + + +A DEAD SURE THING. + +The only persons that are real sure that their calling and election is +sure, and that they are going to heaven across lots, are the men who are +hung for murder. They always announce that they have got a dead thing on +it, just before the drop falls. How encouraging it must be to children to +listen to the prayers of our ministers in churches, who admit that they +are miserable sinners living on God's charity, and doubtful if they would +be allowed to sit at His right hand, and as they tell the story of their +unworthiness the tears trickle down their cheeks. Then let the children +read an account of a hanging bee, and see how happy the condemned man is, +how he shouts glory hallelujah, and confesses that, though he killed his +man, he is going to heaven. A child will naturally ask why don't the +ministers murder somebody and make a dead sure thing of it? + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA MORTIFIED. + +"What was the health officer doing over to your house this morning?" said +the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth was firing frozen potatoes at +the man who collects garbage in the alley. + +"O, they are searching for sewer gas and such things, and they have got +plumbers and other society experts till you can't rest, and I came away +for fear they would find the sewer gas and warm my jacket. Say, do you +think it is right when anything smells awfully, to always lay it to a +boy?" + +"Well, in nine cases out of ten they would hit it right, but what do you +think is the trouble over to your house, honest?" + +"S-h-h! Now don't breathe a word of it to a living soul, or I am a dead +boy. You see I was over to the dairy fair at the Exposition building +Saturday night, and when they were breaking up me and my chum helped to +carry boxes of cheese and firkins of butter, and a cheese man gave each of +us a piece of limberger cheese, wrapped up in tin foil. Sunday morning I +opened my piece, and it made me tired. O, it was the offulest smell I ever +heard of, except the smell when they found a tramp who hung himself in the +woods on the Whitefish Bay road, and had been dead three weeks. It was +just like an old back number funeral. Pa and Ma were just getting ready to +go to church, and I cut off a piece of cheese and put it in the inside +pocket of Pa's vest, and I put another in the lining of Ma's muff, and +they went to church. I went down to church too, and sat on a back seat +with my chum, looking just as pious as though I was taking up a +collection. The church was pretty warm, and by the time they got up to +sing the first hymn Pa's cheese began to smell a match against +Ma's cheese. Pa held one side of the hymn book and Ma held the other, and +Pa he always sings for all that is out, and when he braced himself and +sang 'Just as I am,' Ma thought Pa's voice was tinctured a little with +biliousness, and she looked at him and hunched him, and told him to stop +singing and breathe through his nose, cause his breath was enough to stop +a clock. Pa stopped singing and turned around kind of cross towards Ma, +and then he smelled Ma's cheese and he turned his head the other way and +said, 'whew,' and they didn't sing any more, but they looked at each other +as though they smelled frowy. When they sat down they sat as far apart as +they could get, and Pa sat next to a woman who used to be a nurse in a +hospital, and when she smelled Pa's cheese she looked at him as though she +thought he had the small pox, and she held her handkerchief to her nose. +The man in the other end of the pew, that Ma sat near, he was a stranger +from Racine, who belongs to our church, and he looked at Ma sort of queer, +and after the minister prayed, and they got up to sing again, the man took +his hat and went out, and when he came by me he said something in a +whisper about a female glue factory. + +[Illustration: "JUST AS I AM."] + +"Well, sir, before the sermon was over everybody in that part of the +church had their handkerchiefs to their noses, and they looked at Pa and +Ma scandalous, and the two ushers they came around in the pews looking for +a dog, and when the minister got over his sermon, and wiped the +prespiration off his face, he said he would like to have the trustees of +the church stay after meeting, as there was some business of importance to +transact. He said the question of proper ventilation and sewerage for the +church would be brought up, and that he presumed the congregation had +noticed this morning that the church was unusually full of sewer gas. He +said he had spoken of the matter before, and expected it would be attended +to before this. He said he was a meek and humble follower of the lamb, and +was willing to cast his lot wherever the Master decided, but he would be +blessed if he would preach any longer in a church that smelled like a bone +boiling establishment. He said religion was a good thing, but no person +could enjoy religion as well in a fat rendering establishment as he could +in a flower garden, and as far as he was concerned he had got enough. +Everybody looked at everybody else, and Pa looked at Ma as though he knew +where the sewer gas came from, and Ma looked at Pa real mad, and me and my +chum lit out, and I went home and distributed my cheese all around. I put +a slice in Ma's bureau drawer, down under her underclothes, and a piece in +the spare room, under the bed, and a piece in the bath-room in the soap +dish, and a slice in the album on the parlor table, and a piece in the +library in a book, and I went to the dining room and put some under the +table, and dropped a piece under the range in the kitchen. I tell you the +house was loaded for bear. Ma came home from church first, and when I +asked where Pa was, she said she hoped he had gone to walk around the +block to air hisself. Pa came home to dinner and when he got a smell of +the house he opened all the doors, and Ma put a comfortable around her +shoulders, and told Pa he was a disgrace to civilization. She tried to get +Pa to drink some carbolic acid. Pa finally convinced Ma that it was not +him, and then they decided it was the house that smelled so, as well as +the church, and all Sunday afternoon they went visiting, and this morning +Pa went down to the health office and got the inspector of nuisances to +come up to the house, and when he smelled around a spell he said there was +dead rats in the main sewer pipe, and they sent for plumbers, and Ma went +out to a neighbors to borry some fresh air, and when the plumbers began to +dig up the floor in the basement I came over here. If they find any of +that limberger cheese it will go hard with me. The hired girls have both +quit, and Ma says she is going to break up keeping house and board. That +is just into my hand. I want to board at a hotel, where you can have a +bill-of-fare, and tooth picks, and billiards, and everything. Well I guess +I will go over to the house and stand in the back door and listen to the +mocking bird. If you see me come flying out of the alley with my coat tail +full of boots you can bet they have discovered the sewer gas." + + +MRS. LANGTRY. + +America is to be visited by the most beautiful woman in all England, Mrs. +Langtry. It is said that she is so sweet that when you look at her you +feel caterpillars crawling up the small of your back, your heart begins to +jump like a box car, and a streak of lightning goes down one trousers leg +and up the other, and escapes up the back of your neck, causing the hair +to raise and be filled with electricity enough to light a circus tent, and +that when looking at her your hands clutch nervously as though you wanted +to grasp something to hold you up, a sense of faintness comes over you, +your eyes roll heavenward, your head falls helpless on your breast, your +left side becomes numb, your liver quits working, your breath comes hot +and heavy, your lips turn livid and tremble, your teeth chew on imaginary +taffy, and you look around imploringly for somebody to take her away. If +all this occurs to a person from looking at her, it would be sudden death +or six months illness, to shake hands with her. If she comes to Milwaukee, +there is one bald headed man going to the country where they are not so +bad. You bet! + + +A PECK AT THE CHEESE. + +Geo. W. Peck, of the _Sun_, recently delivered an address before the +Wisconsin State Dairyman's Association. The following is an extract from +the document: + +_Fellow Cremationists:_ In calling upon me, on this occasion, to enlighten +you upon a subject that is dear to the hearts of all Americans, you have +got the right man in the right place. It makes me proud to come to my old +home and unfold truths that have been folded since I can remember. It may +be said by scoffers, and it has been said to-day, in my presence, that I +didn't know enough to even milk a cow. I deny the allegation; show me the +allegator. If any gentleman present has got a cow here with him, and I can +borrow a clothes-wringer, I will show you whether I can milk a cow or not. +Or, if there is a cheese mine here handy, I will demonstrate that I +can--_runnet_. + +The manufacture of cheese and butter has been among the earliest +industries. Away back in the history of the world, we find Adam and Eve +conveying their milk from the garden of Eden, in a one-horse wagon to the +cool spring cheese factory to be weighed in the balance. Whatever may be +said of Adam and Eve to their discredit in the marketing of the products +of their orchard, it has never been charged that they stopped at the pump +and put water in their milk cans. Doubtless you will remember how Cain +killed his brother Abel because Abel would not let him do the churning. We +can picture Cain and Abel driving mooly cows up to the house from the +pasture in the southeast corner of the garden, and Adam standing at the +bars with a tin pail and a three-legged stool, smoking a meerschaum pipe +and singing "Hold the fort for I am coming through the rye," while Eve sat +on the verandah altering over her last year's polonaise, and winking at +the devil who stood behind the milk house singing, "I want to be +an angel." After he got through milking he came up and saw Eve blushing, +and he said, "Madame, cheese it," and she chose it. + +[Illustration: A SCENE IN PARADISE.] + +But to come down to the present day, we find that cheese has become one of +the most important branches of manufacture. It is next in importance to +the silver interest. And, fellow cheese-mongers, you are doing yourselves +great injustice that you do not petition congress to pass a bill to +remonetize cheese. There is more cheese raised in this country than there +is silver, and it is more valuable. Suppose you had not eaten a mouthful +in thirty days, and you should have placed on the table before you ten +dollars stamped out of silver bullion on one plate and nine dollars +stamped from cheese bullion on another plate. Which would you take first? +Though the face value of the nine cheese dollars would be ten per cent +below the face value of ten silver dollars, you would take the cheese. You +could use it to better advantage in your business. Hence I say cheese is +more valuable than silver, and it should be made legal tender for all +debts, public and private, except pew rent. I may be in advance of other +eminent financiers, who have studied the currency question, but I want to +see the time come, and I trust the day is not far distant, when 412-1/2 +grains of cheese will be equal to a dollar in codfish, and when the merry +jingle of slices of cheese shall be heard in every pocket. + +Then every cheese factory can make its own coin, money will be plenty, +everybody will be happy, and there never will be any more war. It may be +asked how this currency can be redeemed? I would have an incontrovertible +bond, made of Limburger cheese, which is stronger and more durable. When +this is done you can tell the rich from the poor man by the smell of his +money. Now-a-days many of us do not even get a smell of money, but in the +good days which are coming the gentle zephyr will waft to us the +able-bodied Limburger, and we shall know that money is plenty. + +The manufacture of cheese is a business that a poor man can engage in, as +well as a rich man, I say it without fear of successful contradiction, and +say it boldly, that a poor man with, say 200 cows, if he thoroughly +understands his business, can market more cheese than a rich man with 300 +oxen. This is susceptible of demonstration. If any boy showed a desire to +become a statesman, I would say to him, "Young man, get married, buy a +mooly cow, go to Sheboygan county, and start a cheese factory." + +Speaking of cows, did it ever occur to you, gentlemen, what a saving it +would be to you if you should adopt mooley cows instead of horned cattle? +It takes at least three tons of hay and a large quantity of ground feed +annually to keep a pair of horns fat, and what earthly use are +they? Statistics show that there are annually killed 45,000 grangers by +cattle with horns. You pass laws to muzzle dogs, because one in ten +thousand goes mad, and yet more people are killed by cattle horns than by +dogs. What the country needs is more mooley cows. + +Now that I am on the subject, it may be asked what is the best paying +breed for the dairy. My opinion is divided between the south down and the +cochin china. Some like one the best and some the other, but as for me, +give me liberty or give me death. + +There are many reforms that should be inaugurated in the manufacture of +cheese. Why should cheese be made round? I am inclined to the belief that +the making of cheese round is a superstition. Who had not rather buy a +good square piece of cheese, than a wedge-shaped chunk, all rind at one +end, and as thin as a Congressman's excuse for voting back pay at the +other? Make your cheese square and the consumer will rise up and call you +another. + +Another reform that might be inaugurated would be to veneer the cheese +with building paper or clapboards, instead of the time-honored piece of +towel. I never saw cheese cut that I didn't think that the cloth around it +had seen service as a bandage on some other patient. But I may have been +wrong. Another thing that does not seem to be right, is to see so many +holes in cheese. It seems to me that solid cheese, one made by one of the +old masters, with no holes in it--I do not accuse you of cheating, but +don't you feel a little ashamed when you see a cheese cut, and the holes +are the biggest part of it? The little cells may be handy for the skipper, +but the consumer feels the fraud in his innermost soul. + +Among the improvements made in the manufacture of cheese I must not forget +that of late years the cheese does not resemble the grindstone as much as +it did years ago. The time has been when, if the farmer could not +find his grindstone, all he had to do was to mortise a hole in the middle +of a cheese, and turn it and grind his scythe. Before the invention of +nitro-glycerine, it was a good day's work to hew off cheese enough for a +meal. Time has worked wonders in cheese. + + +SELLING CLAMS. + +At the concert Wednesday night, the last piece sung was a trio, by Marie +Rose, Brignoli, and Carleton. The men stood on each side of the girl and +began to jaw at her. It was in some other language, and we could only +understand by the motion of their mouths and their actions. It seemed as +though the men were trying to sell clams to her. First Brignoli began to +whoop it up, and describe the clams he had to sell, and tried to get her +to invest. He yelled at her, and seemed really put out, and she was as +spunky as any girl we ever saw. When Brignoli got out of breath, Carleton +began to tell her that Brig had been lying to her, that his clams were +made of India rubber, and that she could never digest them in the wide +world, and he wound up by telling her that she could have his clams at ten +per cent discount for cash. By this time she was about as mad as she could +be, and she pitched into both of them, looking cross, and sung like +blazes, went away up the musical ladder to zero, and wound up by telling +them both, to their face, that she would see them in Chicago before she +would buy a condemned clam. And then they all went off the stage as though +they had been having a regular fight, and Brignoli acted as though he +would like to eat her raw. That's the way it seemed to us, but we are no +musician. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA GOES SKATING. + +"What is that stuff on your shirt bosom, that looks like soap grease?" +said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came into the grocery the +morning after Christmas. + +The boy looked at his shirt front, put his finger on the stuff and smelled +of his fingers, and then said, "O, that is nothing but a little of the +turkey dressing and gravy. You see after Pa and I got back from the roller +skating rink yesterday, Pa was all broke up and he couldn't carve the +turkey, and I had to do it, and Pa sat in a stuffed chair with his head +tied up, and a pillow amongst his legs, and he kept complaining that I +didn't do it right. Gol darn a turkey any way. I should think they would +make a turkey flat on the back, so he would lay on a greasy platter +without skating all around the table. It looks easy to see Pa carve a +turkey, but when I speared into the bosom of that turkey, and began to saw +on it, the turkey rolled around as though it was on castors, and it was +all I could do to keep it out of Ma's lap. But I rasseled with it till I +got off enough white meat for Pa and Ma and dark meat enough for me, and I +dug out the dressing, but most of it flew into my shirt bosom, cause the +string that tied up the place where the dressing was concealed about the +person of the turkey, broke prematurely, and one oyster hit Pa in the eye, +and he said I was as awkward as a cross-eyed girl trying to kiss a man +with a hair lip. If I ever get to be the head of a family I shall carve +turkeys with a corn sheller. + +"But what broke your Pa up at the roller skating rink?" asked the grocery +man. + +"O, everything broke him up. He is split up so Ma buttons the top of his +pants to his collar button, like a bicycle rider. Well, he had no business +to have told me and my chum that he used to be the best skater in +North America, when he was a boy. He said he skated once from Albany to +New York in an hour and eighty minutes. Me and my chum thought if Pa was +such a terror on skates we would get him to put on a pair of roller skates +and enter him as the 'great unknown,' and clean out the whole gang. We +told Pa that he must remember that roller skates were different from ice +skates, and that maybe he couldn't skate on them, but he said it didn't +make any difference what they were as long as they were skates, and he +would just paralyze the whole crowd. So we got a pair of big roller skates +for him, and while we were strapping them on, Pa looked at the skaters +glide around on the smooth wax floor just as though they were greased. Pa +looked at the skates on his feet, after they were fastened, sort of +forlorn like, the way a horse thief does when they put shackles on his +legs, and I told him if he was afraid he couldn't skate with them we would +take them off, but he said he would beat anybody there was there, or bust +a suspender. Then we straightened Pa up, and pointed him towards the +middle of the room, and he said, 'leggo,' and we just give him a little +push to start him, and he began to go. Well, by gosh, you'd a dide to have +seen Pa try to stop. You see, you can't stick in your heel and stop, like +you can on ice skates, and Pa soon found that out, and he began to turn +sideways, and then he threw his arms and walked on his heels, and he lost +his hat, and his eyes began to stick out, cause he was going right towards +an iron post. One arm caught the post and he circled around it a few +times, and then he let go and began to fall, and, sir, he kept falling all +across the room, and everybody got out of the way, except a girl, and Pa +grabbed her by the polonaise, like a drowning man grabs at straws, though +there wasn't any straws in her polonaise as I know of, but Pa just pulled +her along as though she was done up in a shawl-strap, and his +feet went out from under him and he struck on his shoulders and kept a +going, with the girl dragging along like a bundle of clothes. If Pa had +had another pair of roller skates on his shoulders, and castors on his +ears, he couldn't have slid along any better. Pa is a short, big man, and +as he was rolling along on his back, he looked like a sofa with castors on +being pushed across a room by a girl. Finally Pa came to the wall and had +to stop, and the girl fell right across him, with her roller skates in his +neck, and she called him an old brute, and told him if he didn't let go of +her polonaise she would murder him. Just then my chum and me got there and +we amputated Pa from the girl, and lifted him up, and told him for +heaven's sake to let us take off the skates, cause he couldn't skate any +more than a cow, and Pa was mad and said for us to 'let him alone,' and he +could skate all right, and we let go and he struck out again. Well, sir, I +was ashamed. An old man like Pa ought to knonv better than to try to be a +boy. This last time Pa said he was going to spread himself, and if I am +any judge of a big spread, he did spread himself. Some how the skates had +got turned around side-ways on his feet, and his feet got to going in +different directions, and Pa's feet were getting so far apart that I was +afraid I would have two Pa's, half the size, with one leg apiece. + +[Illustration: "PA GRABBED HER BY THE POLONAISE."] + +"I tried to get him to take up a collection of his legs, and get them in +the same ward but his arm flew around and hit me on the nose, and I +thought if he wanted to strike the best friend he had, he could +run his old legs his self. When he began to separate I could hear the +bones crack, but maybe it was his pants, but anyway he came down on the +floor like one of these fellows in a circus who spreads hisself, and he +kept agoing and finally he surrounded an iron post with his legs, and +stopped and looked pale, and the proprietor of the rink told Pa if he +wanted to give a flying trapeze performance he would have to go to the +gymnasium, and he couldn't skate on his shoulders any more, cause other +skaters were afraid of him. Then Pa said he would kick the liver out of +the proprietor of the rink, and he got up and steaded himself, and then he +tried to kick the man, but both heels went up to wonct, and Pa turned a +back summersault and struck right on his vest in front. I guess it knocked +the breath out of him, for he didn't speak for a few minutes, and then he +wanted to go home, and we put him in a street car, and he laid down on the +hay and rode home. O, the work we had to get Pa's clothes off. He had +cricks in his back, and everywhere, and Ma was away to one of the +neighbors, to look at the presents, and I had to put liniment on Pa, and I +made a mistake and got a bottle of furniture polish, and put it on Pa and +rubbed it in, and when Ma came home, Pa smelled like a coffin at a charity +funeral, and Ma said there was no way of getting that varnish off of Pa +till it wore off: Pa says holidays are a condemned nuisance anyway. He +will have to stay in the house all this week. + +"You are pretty rough on the old man," said the grocery man, "after he has +been so kind to you and given you nice presents." + +"Nice presents nothin. All I got was a 'Come to Jesus' Christmas card, +with brindle fringe, from Ma, and Pa gave me a pair of his old suspenders, +and a calender with mottoes for every month, some quotations from +scripture, such as 'honor thy father and mother,' and 'evil communications +corrupt two in the bush,' and a bird in the hand beats two pair.' Such +things don't help a boy to be good. What a boy wants is club skates, and +seven shot revolvers, and such things. Well, I must go and help Pa roll +over in bed, and put on a new porous plaster. Good bye." + + +TRYING TO SAVE TWO SHILLINGS. + +No person ever wants to tell us again how to save two shillings. When we +started for Chippewa Falls, to attend the celebration, we only had a few +hundred dollars along, and we felt like saving all that was possible. Just +before arriving at Sparta, where we were to take supper, Dan McDonald got +to telling about how to save twenty-five cents on meals at these eating +houses, when traveling. He said that all you had to do when you come out +from supper was to look like a bummer, or "traveling man," hand the +door-keeper fifty cents and wink twice with the left eye, and he would +pass you right out, as though you had paid seventy-five cents. If you +handed out a dollar bill, and he only gave you back twenty-five cents, you +only had to hold out your hand and wink a couple of times, and the man +would give you the other quarter. Dan said he always did that way, and he +had saved hundreds of dollars. He said these bummers only paid fifty cents +a meal, and there was no use of anybody else paying more, if they had +cheek enough to play it on the landlord. + +[Illustration: "OH, THAT WILL BE ALL RIGHT!"] + +We never had anything strike us any more reasonable than the statement of +Mr. McDonald, and we determined to try it. To a man who was traveling a +good deal lecturing, a saving of twenty-five cents a meal was worth +looking into, and we made up our mind to begin to economize that very +night. The train stopped and we walked across the platform as near like a +bummer as possible. With our hat on one side, we threw a cigar stub into +the parlor window, said "Hello, old tapeworm," to the landlord in a +familiar sort of way, chucked our hat into a chair; rushed into the +dining-room, took a seat at the head of the table, and told a girl to cart +out all she had got. The landlord looked at us as though he thought we +were one of Field, Leiter & Co.'s bummers, his good wife looked +frightened, as though she feared we would kick a leg off the table and +spill things. However, there is no use of describing the meal, and how we +went through brook trout and strawberry shortcake, and things. We couldn't +help feeling sorry for the man that was destined to furnish all that for +fifty cents. Finally we went out. We felt a sort of palpitation of the +heart when we approached the hungry-looking man at the door, taking the +money. He looked as though he was a sick orphan trying to save money +enough to get to a water cure. Picking our teeth with our finger, like a +Chicago bummer, and pulling our handkerchief out of our pistol pocket and +blowing our nose like a thirty-two pounder, just as we had heard a Chicago +fellow do, we handed the man fifty cents, winked a couple of times and +started to go by. The tobacco sign standing there said, "twenty-five cents +more, please." We looked at him, winked, and said, "O, that will be all +right." "Two shillings more, my friend," said the summer resort. We winked +some more, and punched him in the ribs with our thumb, and said, "O, now, +old tapeworm, don't try to play it on us boys." And we laughed a sickly +sort of laugh. The fact of it was, we began to have doubts about the thing +working, and had a suspicion that the twinkle in Dan McDonald's eye meant +that he had been playing it on us. The landlord said he should have to +have two shillings more, and that we were blocking up the thoroughfare, +and we fumbled around and found it and paid him, and went out, probably +the most disgusted excursionist that ever was. Dan, who had watched the +whole business, slapped us on the shoulder, and said, "How did it work?" +Though not particularly hungry, we could have eaten him raw. When we go +east now, we take a lunch along, and when the other passengers are in to +supper, we sit on the woodpile at Sparta, eat our lunch and gaze at the +fountains, talk with the brakemen, and wonder if the landlord would know +us if we should go in and take a toothpick off the counter. Not any more +bummer for us, and no man must ever tell us how to save two shillings on a +meal. + + +HOW TO REACH YOUNG MEN. + +"How to reach young men," was the topic at the young men's prayer meeting +on Thursday. An old gentleman on the East Side who broke a toe nail by +kicking the gate post just as the young man went down the sidewalk, would +also like to know. Bait your hook with a mighty good looking girl that +wears a sealskin cloak, and you can reach the young men. + + +CRUSHING NIHILISM. + +The Russian government is making an average of four thousand arrests a day +of persons charged with nihilism. At this rate it is only a question of +time when the last of the conspirators will be in prison, and the emperor +can walk out without fear of assassination from his wife and children, as +these will probably be all the people that will be left. + + +WOMAN-DOZING A DEMOCRAT. + +A fearful tale conies to us from Columbus. A party of prominent citizens +of that place took a trip to the Dells of Wisconsin one day last week. It +was composed of ladies and gentlemen of both political parties, and it was +hoped that nothing would occur to mar the pleasure of the excursion. + +When the party visited the Dells, Mr. Chapin, a lawyer of Democratic +proclivities, went out upon a rock overhanging a precipice, or words to +that effect, and he became so absorbed in the beauty of the scene that he +did not notice a Republican lady who left the throng and waltzed softly up +behind him. She had blood in her eye and gum in her mouth, and she grasped +the lawyer, who is a weak man, by the arms, and hissed in his ear: + +"Hurrah for Garfield, or I will plunge you headlong into the yawning gulf +below!" + +It was a trying moment. Chapin rather enjoyed being held by a woman, but +not in such a position that, if she let go her hold to spit on her hands, +he would go a hundred feet down, and become as flat as the Greenback +party, and have to be carried home in a basket. + +In a second he thought over all the sins of his past life, which was +pretty quick work, as anybody will admit who knows the man. He thought of +how he would be looked down upon by Gabe Bouck, and all the fellows, if it +once got out that he had been frightened into going back on his party. + +He made up his mind that he would die before he would hurrah for Garfield, +but when the merciless woman pushed him towards the edge of the rock, and, +"Last call! Yell, or down you go!" he opened his mouth and yelled so they +heard it in Kilbourn City: + +"Hurrah for Garfield! Now lemme go!" + +Though endowed with more than ordinary eloquence, no remarks that he had +ever made before brought the applause that this did. Everybody yelled, and +the woman smiled as pleasantly as though she had not crushed the young +life out of her victim, and left him a bleeding sacrifice on the altar of +his country, but when she had realized what she had done her heart smote +her, and she felt bad. + +[Illustration: "YELL, OR GO DOWN!"] + +Chapin will never be himself again. From that moment his proud spirit was +broken, and all during the picnic he seemed to have lost his cud. He +leaned listlessly against a tree, pale as death, and fanned himself with a +skimmer. When the party had spread the lunch on the ground and gathered +around, sitting on the ant-hills, he sat down with them mechanically, but +his appetite was gone, and when that is gone there is not enough +of him left for a quorum. + +Friends rallied around him, passed the pickles, and drove the antmires out +of a sandwich, and handed it to him on a piece of shingle, but he either +passed or turned it down. He said he couldn't take a trick. Later on, when +the lemonade was brought on, the flies were skimmed off of some of it, and +a little colored water was put in to make it look inviting, but his eyes +were sot. He said they couldn't fool him. After what had occurred, he +didn't feel as though any Democrat was safe. He expected to be poisoned on +account of his politics, and all he asked was to live to get home. + +Nothing was left undone to rally him, and cause him to forget the fearful +scene through which he had passed. Only once did he partially come to +himself, and show an interest in worldly affairs, and that was when it was +found that he had sat down on some raspberry jam with his white pants on. +When told of it, he smiled a ghastly smile, and said they were all welcome +to his share of the jam. + +They tried to interest him in conversation by drawing war maps with +three-tined folks on the jam, but he never showed that he knew what they +were about until Mr. Moak, of Watertown, took a brush, made of cauliflower +preserved in mustard, and shaded the lines of the war map on Mr. Chapin's +trousers, which Mr. Butterfield had drawn in the jam. Then his artistic +eye took in the incongruity of the colors, and he gasped for breath, and +said: + +"Moak, that is played out. People will notice it." + +But he relapsed again into semi-unconsciousness, and never spoke again, +not a great deal, till he got home. + +He has ordered that there be no more borrowing of sugar and drawings of +tea back and forth between his house and that of the lady who broke his +heart, and be has announced that he will go without saurkraut all +winter rather than borrow a machine for cutting cabbage of a woman that +would destroy the political prospects of a man who had never done a wrong +in his life. + +He has written to the chairman of the Democratic State Central Committee +to suspend judgment on his case, until he can explain how it happened that +a dyed-in-the-wood Democrat hurrahed for Garfield. + + +THE WRONG CORPSE. + +A corpse got a good joke on the people of Quebec the other day. It came +there by express, and was only an ordinary, every-day man, but the Kanucks +were looking for a military corpse, and supposing our ordinary corpse to +be he, they got up a Fifth avenue funeral, and buried it with military +honors. The corpse, who didn't know a thing about military matters, must +have many a good laugh over the mistake. And how the military corpse must +have felt, when HE came! + + +THE DAY WE REACHED CANADA. + +D.H. Pulcifer, of Shawano, announces that he is about to prepare a +biography of all the members of the territorial legislature and subsequent +legislatures, state officers, members of congress, etc., and desires all +men who may have been great or may be so now, to send in the particulars. +Well, you can get our record at the adjutant general's office, though +there is one mistake in that record. It was in June, 1862 that we arrived +in Canada, the day before the draft. + + +A LIVELY TRAIN LOAD. + +Last week a train load of insane persons were removed from the Oshkosh +Asylum to the Madison Asylum. As the train was standing on the sidetrack +at Watertown Junction it created considerable curiosity. People who have +ever passed Watertown Junction have noticed the fine old gentleman who +comes into the car with a large square basket, peddling popcorn. He is one +of the most innocent and confiding men in the world. He is honest, and he +believes that everybody else is honest. + +He came up to the depot with his basket, and seeing the train he asked +Pierce, the landlord there, what train it was. Pierce, who is a most +diabolical person, told the old gentleman that it was a load of members of +the legislature and female lobbyists going to Madison. With that beautiful +confidence which the pop corn man has in all persons, he believed the +story, and went into the car to sell pop corn. + +Stopping at the first seat, where a middle-aged lady was sitting alone, +the pop corn man passed out his basket and said, "fresh pop corn." The +lady took her foot down off the stove, looked at the man a moment with +eyes glaring and wild, and said, "It is--no, it cannot be--and yet it _is_ +me long lost Duke of Oshkosh," and she grabbed the old man by the necktie +with one hand and pulled him down into the seat, and began to mow away +corn into her mouth. The pop corn man blushed, looked at the rest of the +passengers to see if they were looking, and said, as he replaced the +necktie knot from under his left ear and pushed his collar down, "Madame, +you are mistaken. I never have been a duke in Oshkosh. I live here at the +Junction." The woman looked at him as though she doubted his statement, +but let him go. + +He proceeded to the next seat, when a serious looking man rose up and +bowed; the pop corn man also bowed and smiled as though he might +have met him before. Taking a paper of popcorn and putting it in his coat +tail pocket, the serious man said, "I was honestly elected President of +the United States in 1876, but was counted out by the vilest conspiracy +that ever was concocted on earth, and I believe you are one of the +conspirators," and he spit on his hands and looked the pop corn man in the +eye. The pop corn man said he never took any active part in politics, and +had nothing to do with that Hayes business at all. Then the serious man +sat down and began eating the pop corn, while two women on the other side +of the car helped themselves to the corn in the basket. + +[Illustration: ME LONG LOST DUKE.] + +The pop corn man held out his hand for the money, when a man two seats +back came forward and shook hands with him, saying: "They told me you +would not come, but you have come, Daniel, and now we will fight +it out. I will take this razor, and you can arm yourself at your leisure." +The man reached into an inside pocket of his coat, evidently for a razor, +when the pop corn man started for the door, his eyes sticking out two +inches. Every person he passed took a paper of pop corn, one man grabbed +his coat and tore one tail off, another took his basket away and as he +rushed out on the platform the basket was thrown at his head, and a female +voice said, "I will be ready when the carriage calls at 8." + +As the old gentleman struck the platform and began to arrange his toilet +he met Fitzgerald, the conductor, who asked him what was the matter. He +said Pierce told him that crowd was going to the legislature, "but," says +he, as he picked some pieces of paper collar out of the back of his neck, +"if those people are not delegates to a Democratic convention, then I have +been peddling pop corn on this road ten years for nothing, and don't know +my business." Fitz told him they were patients going to the Insane Asylum. + +The old man thought it over a moment, and then he picked up a coupling pin +and went looking for Pierce. He says he will kill him. Pierce has not been +out of the house since. This Pierce is the same man that lent us a runaway +horse once. + + +CATS ON THE FENCE. + +Some idiot has invented a "cat teaser" to put on fences to keep cats from +sitting there and singing. It consists of a three-cornered piece of tin, +nailed on the top of the fence. We hope none of our friends will invest in +the patent, for statistics show that while cats very often sit on fences +to meditate, yet when they get it all mediated and get ready to sing a +duet, they get down off the fence and get under a currant bush. We +challenge any cat scientist to disprove the assertion. + + +HOW SHARPER THAN A HOUND'S TOOTH. + +Years ago we swore on a stack of red chips that we would never own another +dog. Six promising pups that had been presented to us, blooded setters and +pointers, had gone the way of all dog flesh, with the distemper and dog +buttons, and by falling in the cistern, and we had been bereaved _via_ dog +misfortunes as often as John R. Bennett, of Janesville, has been bereaved +on the nomination for attorney general. We could not look a pup in the +face but it would get sick, and so we concluded never again to own a dog. + +The vow has been religiously kept since. Men have promised us thousands of +pups, but we have never taken them. One conductor has promised us at least +seventy-five pups, but he has always failed to get us to take one. Dog +lovers have set up nights to devise a way to induce us to accept a dog. We +held out firmly till last week. One day we met Pierce, the Watertown +Junction hotel man, and he told us that he had a greyhound pup that was +the finest bread dog--we think he said bread dog, though it might have +been sausage dog he said--anyway he told us it was blooded, and that when +it grew up to be a man--that is, figuratively speaking--when it grew up to +be a dog full size, it would be the handsomest canine in the Northwest. + +We kicked on it, entirely, at first, but when he told us hundreds of men +who had seen the pup had offered him thousands of dollars for it, but that +he had rather give it to a friend than sell it to a stranger, we weakened, +and told him to send it in. + +Well--(excuse us while we go into a corner and mutter a silent remark)--it +came in on the train Monday, and was taken to the barn. It is the +confoundedest looking dog that a white man ever set eyes on. It is about +the color of putty, and about seven feet long, though it is only +six months old. The tail is longer than a whip lash, and when you speak +sassy to that dog, the tail will begin to curl around under him, amongst +his legs, double around over his neck and back over where the tail +originally was hitched to the dog, and then there is tail enough left for +four ordinary dogs. + +If that tail was cut up into ordinary tails, such as common dogs wear, +there would be enough for all the dogs in the Seventh Ward, with enough +left for a white wire clothes line. When he lays down his tail curls up +like a coil of telephone wire, and if you take hold of it and wring you +can hear the dog at the central office. If that dog is as long in +proportion, when he gets his growth, and his tail grows as much as his +body, the dog will reach from here to the Soldier's home. + +[Illustration: 'THEREBY HANGS A TAIL'.] + +His head is about as big as a graham gem, and runs down to a point no +bigger than a cambric needle, while his ears are about as big as a thumb +to a glove, and they hang down as though the dog didn't want to hear +anything. How a head of that kind can contain brains enough to cause a dog +to know enough to go in when it rains is a mystery. But he seems to be +intelligent. + +If a man comes along on the sidewalk, the dog will follow him off, follow +him until he meets another man, and then he follows _him_ till he +meets another, and so on until he has followed the entire population. He +is not an aristocratic dog, but will follow one person just as soon as +another, and to see him going along the street, with his tail coiled up, +apparently oblivious to every human sentiment, it is touching. + +His legs are about the size of pipe stems, and his feet are as big as a +base ball base. He wanders around, following a boy, then a middle aged +man, then a little girl, then an old man, and finally, about meal time, +the last person he follows seems to go by the barn and the dog wanders in +and looks for a buffalo robe or a harness tug to chew. It does not cost +anything to keep him, as he has only eaten one trotting harness and one +fox skin robe since Monday, though it may not be right to judge of his +appetite, as he may be a little off his feed. + +Pierce said he would be a nice dog to run with a horse, or under a +carriage. Why, bless you, he won't go within twenty feet of a horse, and a +horse would run away to look at him; besides, he gets right under a +carriage wheel, and when the wheel runs over him he complains, and sings +Pinafore. + +What under the sun that dog is ever going to be good for is more than we +know. He is too lean and bony for sausage. A piece of that dog as big as +your finger in a sausage would ruin a butcher. It would be a dead give +away. He looks as though he might point game, if the game was brought to +his attention, but he would be just as liable to point a cow. He might do +to stuff and place in a front yard to frighten burglars. If a burglar +wouldn't be frightened at that dog nothing would scare him. + +Anyway, now we have got him, we will bring him up, though it seems as +though he would resemble a truss bridge or a refrigerator car, as much as +a dog, when he gets his growth. For fear he will fall off a wagon track we +tie a knot in his tail. + + +A SAFE INVESTMENT. + +Up to the present time the _Sun_ has struggled along from infancy to +middle age without a safe in its office. It has never needed one. It does +not need one now, but custom has to do with these things. The associations +that surround one, go far towards making these changes. When we look at +the immense safes in the office of out neighbor, filled with bonds and +mortgages, we feel that a safe will look well. So we purchased a sort of +an iron range, with a nickle plated knob, and a lock with as many figures +on it as a tax list or a lottery advertisement, and placed it where it +will strike the visitor on his first entrance. Ah, what an imposing affair +it is! As we lean back in a chair and 1ook at it, and close our eyes, we +can see millions in it, in our mind. It is a cross between Alex. +Mitchell's safe and a child's bank. It is not full, but it has evidently +been taking something. It is a grand feeling to walk along the streets and +feel that your head contains the secret which opens the safe. No one but +yourself and your maker, and the maker of the safe knows the three numbers +which will cause it to open. The numbers are safe with you, and the All +Seeing Eye you have confidence will not give it away, so that the only +show a burglar has is to get solid with the maker of the safe. + +What a piece of mechanism is the lock of a safe! The man we bought it of +gave us the programme that opens it. You go to the dial turn the knob, put +your finger by your nose and wink. If you leave out the wink, the safe +will not open, but we never leave out the wink. The trouble is, if there +is a lady customer in with a bill, and we go to open the safe, we wink too +many times and have to go all over it again. Then we place the numbers in +their order, 4-11-44, and when the "four" is exactly opposite the +dipthong, we turn the knob back three revolutions, light a cigar, +and walk three times around the room. That is to give the mechanism in the +Inside time to coalesce. Then we put the "eleven" in its place, turn the +knob forward one revolution, and put on our hat and go out and take a +drink. That is in the programme, and we sometimes think the inventor of +the lock is interested in a brewery. Then we come back, wipe our mustache +on the tail of a linen coat, place the figures "44" directly over the +pointer, whistle "There's a land that is fairer than this," place the +right foot forward, then turn the knob, the door swings on its hinges, and +the untold wealth of the Indies lies before us, in our alleged mind. + +O, safe, are you honest? Are you true to us? You look pure and chaste, and +your new overskirt of varnish, and your puffed ruching of gold and blue +sets you off to good advantage, but you may not be impregnable. You have +always gone in good society, and no scandal has ever been attached to your +name. Your purity and innocence has been remarked by all who have met you, +and there are none who would dare to intimate but that you would maintain +your reputation against any attack, but sometimes we think we should +hesitate to leave you all alone, with the light turned down all night and +over Sunday, in the company of an eloquent, persuasive, good-looking +burglar armed with a jimmy, and we fear that his warm hearted can of +powder would strike a responsive chord in your impulsive nature, and that +you would yield up the jewels confined to you, and your honor, your +reputation, your standing among safes would be forever ruined. And yet we +may be wrong. + +But what would it profit a burglar to gain the whole contents and wear out +his soles. If he got in that safe, he would find a package of bills that +we tried for a year to collect, and we would give him the bills if he +asked for them, and he could save his powder. He would find one bill of +sixteen dollars, with an indorsement that one dollar is paid, +after thirteen dollars worth of shoe leather had been worn out. And yet +the burglar would have a soft thing on cigars with that bill, for every +time he visited the doctor he would tell him when to come again, and give +him a cigar. Another thing the burglar would find would be a protested +draft from a great Philadelphia patent medicine advertiser. The burglar +could take a tie pass that is in the safe, and walk to Philadelphia, and +trade out the twenty-five dollar draft by taking buchu on account. + +But no burglar that has any respect for himself, we feel sure, will ever +do us the injury to scrape the paint off of that safe. + + +A FASHION ITEM. + +A fashion item says, "The drawers this year are made very short, and some +have lace ruffles." Some fashion reporter has evidently been looking over +our back fence at the clothes line. But they got awfully fooled. The +shortness of those drawers was caused by the flannel shrinking and the +"lace ruffles" the reporter noticed is where a calf chewed them when they +were hanging out to dry last fall on Black Hawk Island, when a gun kicked +us out of a boat. Some of these fashion reporters think they are smart. + + +A LECTURER SHOULD KNOW WHAT HE TALKS ABOUT. + +A man down east is lecturing on "Hell, Ingersoll, and Whisky." If the +lecturer is at all familiar with his subjects, we wouldn't believe him +under oath. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA GOES CALLING. + +"Say, you are getting too alfired smart," said the grocery man to the bad +boy as he pushed him into a corner by the molasses barrel, and took him by +the neck and choked him so his eyes stuck out. "You have driven away +several of my best customers, and now, confound you, I am going to have +your life," and he took up a cheese knife and began to sharpen it on his +boot. + +"What's the--gurgle--matter?" asked the choking boy, as the grocery man's +finger let up on his throat a little, so he could speak. "I haint done +nothing." + +"Didn't you hang up that gray torn cat by the heels, in front of my store, +with the rabbits I had for sale? I didn't notice it until the minister +called me out in front of the store, and pointing to the rabbits, asked +what good fat cats were selling for. By crimus, this thing has got to +stop. You have got to move out of this ward or I will." + +The boy got his breath and said it wasn't him that put the cat up there. +He said it was the policeman, and he and his chum saw him do it, and he +just come in to tell the grocery man about it, and before he could speak +he had his neck nearly pulled off. The boy began to cry, and the grocery +man said he was only joking, and gave him a box of sardines, and they made +up. Then he asked the boy how his Pa put in his New Years, and the boy +sighed and said: + +"We had a sad time at our house New Years. Pa insisted on making calls, +and Ma and me tried to prevent it, but he said he was of age, and guessed +he could make calls if he wanted to, so he looked at the morning paper and +got the names of all the places where they were going to receive, and he +turned his paper collar, and changed ends with his cuffs, and put some +arnica on his handkerchief, and started out. Ma told him not to +drink anything, and he said he wouldn't, but he did. He was full the third +place he went to. O, so full. Some men can get full and not show it, but +when Pa gets full, he gets so full his back teeth float, and the liquor +crowds his eyes out, and his mouth gets loose and wiggles all over his +face, and he laughs all the time, and the perspiration just oozes out of +him, and his face gets red, and he walks so wide. O, he disgraced us all. +At one place he wished the hired girl 'a happy new year' more than twenty +times, and hung his hat on her elbow, and tried to put on a rubber hall +mat for his over shoes. At another place he walked up a lady's train, and +carried away a card basket full of bananas and oranges. Ma wanted my chum +and me to follow Pa and bring him home, and about dark we found him in the +door yard of a house where they have statues in front of the house, and he +grabbed me by the arm, and mistook me for another caller, and insisted on +introducing me to a marble statue without any clothes on. He said it was a +friend of his, and it was a winter picnic. He hung his hat on an +evergreen, and put his overcoat on the iron fence, and I was so mortified +I almost cried. My chum said if his Pa made such a circus of himself he +would sand bag him. That gave me an idea, and when we got Pa most home I +went and got a paper box covered with red paper, so it looked just like a +brick, and a bottle of tomato ketchup, and when we got Pa up on the steps +at home I hit him with the paper brick, and my chum squirted the ketchup +on his head, and we demanded his money, and then he yelled murder, and we +lit out, and Ma and the minister, who was making a call on her, all the +afternoon, they came to the door and pulled Pa in. He said he had been +attacked by a band of robbers, and they knocked his brains out, but he +whipped them, and then Ma saw the ketchup brains oozing out of his head, +and she screamed, and the minister said. 'Good heavens, he is murdered!' +and just then I came in the back door and they sent after the +doctor, and they put Pa on the lounge, and tied up his head with a towel +to keep the brains in, and Pa began to snore, and when the doctor came in +it took them half an hour to wake him, and then he was awful sick to his +stummick, and then Ma asked the doctor if he would live, and the doc. +analyzed the ketchup and smelled of it and told Ma he would be all right +if he had a little Worcester sauce to put on with the ketchup, and when he +said Pa would pull through, Ma looked awful sad. Then Pa opened his eyes +and saw the minister and said that was one of the robbers that jumped on +him, and he wanted to whip the minister, but the doc. held Pa's arms and +Ma sat on his legs, and the minister said he had got some other calls to +make, and he wished Ma a happy new year in the hall, much as fifteen +minutes. His happy new year to Ma is most as long as his prayers. Well, we +got Pa to bed, and when we undressed him we found nine napkins in the +bosom of his vest, that he had picked up at the places where he had +called. He is all right this morning, but he says it is the last time he +will drink coffee when he makes New Years calls. + +"Well, then you didn't have much fun yourself on New Years. That's too +bad," said the grocery man, as he looked at the sad eyed youth. "But you +look hard. If you were old enough I should say you had been drunk, your +eyes are red." + +[Illustration: HAPPY NEW YEAR, MUM!] + +"Didn't have any fun eh? Well, I wish I had as many dollars as I had fun. +You see, after Pa got to sleep Ma wanted me and my chum to go to the +houses that Pa had called at and return the napkins he had kleptomaniaced, +so we dressed up and went. The first house we called at the girls were +sort of demoralized. I don't know as I ever saw a girl drunk, but those +girls acted queer. The callers had stopped coming, and the girls were +drinking something out of shaving cups that looked like lather, and they +said it was 'aignogg.' They laffed and kicked up their heels wuss nor a +circus, and their collars got unpinned, and their faces was red, and they +put their arms around me and my chum and hugged us and asked us if we +didn't want some of the custard. You'd a dide to see me and my chum drink +that lather. It looked just like soap suds with nutmaig in it, but by gosh +it got in its work sudden. At first I was afraid when the girls hugged me, +but after I had drank a couple of shaving cups full of the 'aignogg' I +wasn't afraid no more, and I hugged a girl so hard she catched her breath +and panted and said, 'O, don't.' Then I kissed her, and she is a great big +girl, bigger'n me, but she didn't care. Say, did you ever kiss a girl full +of aignogg? If you did it would break up your grocery business. You would +want to waller in bliss instead of selling mackerel. My chum ain't no +slouch either. He was sitting in a stuffed chair holding another New +Year's girl, and I could hear him kiss her so it sounded like a cutter +scraping on bare ground. But the girl's Pa came in and said he guessed it +was time to close the place, unless they had a license for an all night +house, and me and my chum went out. But _wasn't_ we sick when we got out +doors. O, it seemed as though the pegs in my boots was the only thing that +kept them down, and my chum he like to dide. He had been to dinner and +supper and I had only been skating all day, so he had more to contend with +than I did. O, my, but that lets me out on aignogg. I don't know how I got +home, but I got in bed with Pa, cause Ma was called away to attend a baby +matinee in the night. I don't know how it is, but there never is anybody +in our part of town that has a baby but they have it in the night, and +they send for Ma. I don't know what she has to be sent for every time for. +Ma ain't to blame for all the young ones in this town, but she has got up +a reputashun, and when we hear the bell ring in the night Ma gets up and +begins to put on her clothes, and the next morning she comes in the dining +room with a shawl over her head, and says, 'its a girl and weighs ten +pounds,' or 'a boy,' if it's a boy baby. Ma was out on one of her +professional engagements, and I got in bed with Pa. I had heard Pa blame +Ma about her cold feet, so I got a piece of ice about as big as a raisin +box, just zactly like one of Ma's feet, and laid it right against the +small of Pa's back. I couldn't help laffing, but pretty soon Pa began to +squirm and he said, 'Why'n 'ell don't you warm them feet before you come +to bed,' and then he hauled back his leg and kicked me clear out in the +middle of the floor, and said if he married again he would marry a woman +who had lost both her feet in a railroad accident. Then I put the ice back +in the bed with Pa and went to my room, and in the morning Pa said he +sweat more'n a pail full in the night. Well, you must excuse me. I have an +engagement to shovel snow off the sidewalk. But before I go, let me advise +you not to drink aignogg, and don't sell tom cats for rabbits," and he got +out of the door just in time to miss the rutabaga that the grocery man +threw at him. + + +WHAT THE DEMOCRATS WILL DO. + +The _Wisconsin_ asks, "What will the Democrats do?" We trust it is not +betraying a confidence reposed in us by the manager of a party, but we can +not allow our neighbor to remain in such dense ignorance, as long as we +are possessed of the desired information. "What will the Democrats do?" +The Democrats will prove an _alibi!_ + + +A SEWING MACHINE GIVEN TO THE BOSS GIRL. + +In response to a request from W.T. Vankirk, George W. Peck presented the +Rock County Agricultural Society with a sewing machine, to be given to the +"boss combination girl" of Rock County. With the machine he sent the +following letter, which explains his meaning of a "combination girl," +etc.: + + +MILWAUKEE, June 7, 1881. + +W.T. VANKIRK--_Dear Sir:_ Your letter, in reference to giving some kind of +a premium to somebody, at your County Fair, is received, and I have been +thinking it over. I have brought my massive intellect to bear upon the +subject, with the follow result: + +I ship you to-day, by express, a sewing machine, complete, with cover, +drop leaf, hemmer, tucker, feller, drawers, and everything that a girl +wants, except corsets and tall stockings. Now, I want you to give that to +the best "combination girl" in Rock County, with the compliments of the +_Sun_. + +What I mean by a "combination," is one that in the opinion of your +Committee has all the modern improvements, and a few of the old-fashioned +faults, such as health, etc. She must be good-looking, that is not too +handsome, but just handsome enough. You don't want to give this machine to +any female statue, or parlor ornament, who don't know how to play a tune +on it, or who is as cold as a refrigerator car, and has no heart concealed +about her person. Our girl, that is, our "Fair Girl," that takes this +machine, must be "the boss." She must be jolly and good-natured, such a +girl as would make the young man that married her think that Rock County +was the next door to heaven, anyway. She must be so healthy that nature's +roses will discount any preparation ever made by man, and so well-formed +that nothing artificial is needed to--well, Van, you know what I mean. + +You want to pick out a thoroughbred, that is, all wool, a yard +wide--that is, understand me, I don't want the girl to be a yard wide, but +just right. Your Committee don't want to get "mashed" on some ethereal +creature whose belt is not big enough for a dog collar. This premium girl +wants to be able to do a day's work, if necessary, and one there is no +danger of breaking in two if her intended should hug her. + +[Illustration: I WANT TO BE AN ANGEL.] + +After your Committee have got their eyes on a few girls that they think +will fill the bill, then they want to find out what kind of girls they are +around their home. Find if they honor their fathers and their mothers, and +are helpful, and care as much for the happiness of those around them as +they do for their own. If you find one who is handsome as Venus--I don't +know Venus, but I have heard that she takes the cake--I say, if you find +one that is perfect in everything, but shirks her duties at home, and +plays, "I Want to Be an Angel," on the piano, while her mother is mending +her stockings, or ironing her picnic skirts, then let her go ahead and be +an angel as quick as she wants to, but don't give her the +machine. You catch the idea? + +Find a girl who has the elements of a noble woman; one whose heart is so +large that she has to wear a little larger corset than some, but one who +will make her home happy, and who is a friend to all; one who would walk +further to do a good deed, and relieve suffering, than she would to +patronize an ice cream saloon; one who would keep her mouth shut a month +before she would say an unkind word, or cause a pang to another. Let your +Committee settle on such a girl, and she is as welcome to that machine as +possible. + +Now, Van, you ought to have a Committee appointed at once, and no one +should know who the Committee is. They should keep their eyes open from +now till the time of the Fair, and they should compare notes once in a +while. You have got some splendid judges of girls there in Janesville, but +you better appoint married men. They are usually more unbiased. They +should not let any girl know that she is suspected of being the premium +girl, until the judgment is rendered, so no one will be embarrassed by +feeling that she is competing for a prize. + +Now, Boss, I leave the constitution and the girls in your hands; and if +this premium is the means of creating any additional interest in your +Fair, and making people feel good natured and jolly, I shall be amply +repaid. + +Your friend + +GEO. W. PECK. + + +SHE WAS NO GENTLEMAN. + +From an article in the _Leader_ we gather that Frank Drake, editor of the +Rushford _Star_, was horsewhipped by a woman who was dissatisfied with +some article of his that appeared against her, in the _Star_. A woman that +cowhides an editor is no gentleman. + + +JOKE ON THE HAT. + +Somehow, during the election excitement, Frank Hatch happened to bet right +just once. He bet a hat, and on Monday he went to Putnam & Philbrick and +selected one of the finest silk ones. When he went out in the street every +body noticed it, and a reception was held. They all congratulated Frank, +except Ike Usher. Ike's hat was a year old, and the contrast was so +remarkable that Ike would not walk on the street with Hatch. Frank said +that Ike's hat used to be a very fine looking hat, but at present it was a +disgrace to the force. Mr. Usher was offended, and he swore revenge. He +went to a professional drunkard on Division street, and said that if he +should happen to get drunk Monday night and Hatch should happen to arrest +him, he would give the drunkard five dollars if the drunkard would mash +Frank's new hat. The fellow said he would flatten it flatter than flatness +itself. Just after dark Mr. Hatch was walking down Third street, "Whoop, +hurrah for Tilden, (hic) 'endrix." The remark seemed so out of place that +Frank went down there. The man was lying on the sidewalk, and telling the +barrel to roll over and not take up all the bed. Mr. Hatch accosted the +man gently, telling him he would catch cold there, and that he had better +go with him to the city hotel. The man said he would--be counted in if he +did, and Hatch bent over him to take him by the lily white hand, when a +drunken boot came down on the top of that hat, and drove it clean down to +Frank's nose. Of course it could go no further. Then the man pulled Frank +down, and the hat struck the end of a salt barrel, knocked it off, and the +man raised up and sat down on it, and kicked it into the street. Frank got +the man away, and a boy brought his hat to the police station, just as +Usher and Littlejohn and Knutson, and all the policeman entered. It is +said that all stood on the corner over by Kevin's watching the +arrest. The hat was a sight to behold, as it laid in state on the safe, +and all the boys making comments on it. It looked like a six-inch stove +pipe elbow that a profane man had been attempting to fit to a five-inch +stove pipe. It looked like some old dripping pan that had been thrown out +in the street, and had been run over by wagons. It looked like the very +dickens. And yet we have no doubt Hatch will say this is a lie, because he +now wears a good hat, but we know the hat he now wears he got by trading a +flannel shirt to a grasshopper sufferer, and it no more resembles the +beautiful new hat he won on election than nothing. After Hatch went out of +the office, Usher let the man "escape," and he is five dollars ahead, and +Ike has got even with Hatch. + +[Illustration: IT LOOKED LIKE AN OLD DRIPPING PAN.] + + +THE THIRSTY GOPHER. + +A Minnesota town got a fire steamer on trial, and tested it by trying to +drown out a gopher. After working it six hours, the gopher came out to get +a drink. He would have died of thirst if they had kept the hole closed +much longer. + + +COLORED CONCERT TROUPES. + +Sometimes it seems as though the colored people ought to have a guardian +appointed over them. Now, you take a colored concert troupe, and though +they may have splendid voices, they do not know enough to take advantage +of their opportunities. People go to hear them because they are colored +people, and they want to hear old-fashioned negro melodies, and yet these +mokes will tackle Italian opera and high toned music that they don't know +how to sing. + +They will sing these fancy operas and people will not pay any attention. +Along toward the end of the programme they will sing some old nigger song, +and the house fairly goes wild and calls them out half a dozen times. And +yet they do not know enough to make up a programme of such music as they +can sing, and such as the audience want. + +They get too big, these colored people do, and can't strike their level. +People who have heard Kellogg, and Marie Rose, and Gerster, are sick when +a black cat with a long red dress comes out and murders the same pieces +the prima donnas have sung. We have seen a colored girl attempt a +selection from some organ-grinder opera, and she would howl and screech, +and catch her breath and come again, and wheel and fire vocal shrapnel, +limber up her battery and take a new position, and unlimber and send +volleys of soprano grape and cannister into the audience, and then she +would catch on to the highest note she could reach and hang to it like a +dog to a root, till you would think they would have to throw a pail of +water on her to make her let go, and all the time she would be biting and +shaking like a terrier with a rat, and finally give one kick at her red +trail with her hind foot, and back off the stage looking as though she +would have to be carried on a dust pan, and the people in the audience +would look at each other in pity and never give her a cheer, +when, if she had come out and patted her leg, and put one hand up to her +ear, and sung, "Ise a Gwine to See Massa Jesus Early in de Mornin'," they +would have split the air wide open with cheers, and called her out five +times. + +The fact is, they haven't got sense. + +There was a hungry-looking, round-shouldered, sick-looking colored man in +the same party, that was on the programme for a violin solo. When he came +out the people looked at each other, as much as to say, "Now we will have +some fun." The moke struck an attitude as near Ole Bull as he could with +his number eleven feet and his hollow chest, and played some diabolical +selection from a foreign cat opera that would have been splendid if +Wilhelmj or Ole Bull had played it, but the colored brother couldn't get +within a mile of the tune. He rasped his old violin for twenty minutes and +tried to look grand, and closed his eyes and seemed to soar away to +heaven,--and the audience wished to heaven he had, and when he became +exhausted and squeezed the last note out, and the audience saw that he was +in a profuse perspiration, they let him go and did not call him back. If +he had come out and sat on the back of a chair and sawed off "The Devil's +Dream," or "The Arkansaw Traveler," that crowd would have cheered him till +he thought he was a bigger man than Grant. + +But he didn't have any sense. + + +MATTIE MASHES MINNESOTA. + +Mrs. Mattie A. Bridge is meeting with great success in Minnesota. In some +places she is retained until she lectures four times. She says the heart +of Minnesota is warm towards her. We shall feel inclined to put a head on +Minnesota, if it don't quit allowing its heart to get warm. + + +WHY THE FEVER DIDN'T SPREAD. + +Portage City has had a sensation which, though at one time it looked +serious, turned out to be a farce. A girl was taken sick, and a physician +was called who pronounced it a case of yellow fever, and he made out a +prescription for that disease. Mr. Brannan, editor of the Portage +Register, who lives near, got the news, and imparted it to all whom he +met, and they in turn told it to others, and a stampede was looked for. +Fox turned the Fox House over to Bunker, and had his trunks checked for +the Hot Springs. Corning and Jack Turner hired a wagon to take them to +Briggsville. Haertel, the brewery man, offered to sell out his brewery and +all his property for eight hundred dollars, and he bought a ticket for +Germany. Bunker left the Fox House to run itself, and went to Devil's +Lake. Sam. Branuan, telegraphed to George Clinton, at Denver, not +to come home, as the yellow fever was raging, and people were dying off +like rotton sheep. And Sam got vaccinated and went to Beaver Dam. The +excitement was intense. Men became perfectly wild, and were going to rush +off and leave the women and children to the mercies of the dead plague. +Chicago and Milwaukee bummers could be seen at the hotels, kneeling beside +their sample cases trying to pray, but they couldn't. Just before the +train started that was to carry away the frightened populace, the doctor +came up town and said that the girl with the yellow fever was better, and +that she was the mother of a fine nine pound boy. The authorities took +every precaution to prevent the spread of the yellow fever, by arresting +the brakemen whom the girl said was the cause of all the trouble. All is +quiet on the Wisconse now. + +[Illustration: DRUMMERS TRYING TO PRAY.] + + +TOO PARTICULAR BY HALF. + +It is one of the mottoes of THE SUN never to publish anything that would +cause a blush to mantle the cheek of innocence, or anybody. And yet, +occasionally, a person finds fault. Not long since a man said he liked THE +SUN well enough, only it had too much to say about patched breeches, which +was offensive to some. Well, some people are so confounded high toned that +if they were going to have a patch put on they would have it way up on the +small of their back. Some of the best women in the world have sat up +nights to sew a patch on their husband's pants. Martha Washington used to +do it. But, G. Lordy, a family newspaper must not speak of a patch. When +you take patches away from the people you strike a blow at their +liberties. Don't be too nice. + + +THE WAY TO NAME CHILDREN. + +The names of Indians are sometimes so peculiar that people are made to +wonder how the red men became possessed of them. That of "Sitting Bull," +"Crazy Horse," "Man Afraid of his Horses," "Red Cloud," etc., cause a good +deal of thought to those who do not know how the names are given. The fact +of the matter is that after a child of the forest is born the medicine man +goes to the door and looks out, and the first object that attracts his +attention is made use of to name the child. When the mother of that great +warrior gave birth to her child, the medicine man looked out and saw a +bull seated on its haunches, hence the name "Sitting Bull." It is an +evidence of our superior civilization that we name children on a different +plan, taking the name of some eminent man or woman, some uncle or aunt to +fasten on to the unsuspecting stranger. Suppose that the custom that is in +vogue among the Indians should be in use among us, we would have instead +of "George Washington" and "Hanner Jane," and such beautiful names, some +of the worst jaw-breakers that ever was. Suppose the attending physician +should go to the door after a child was born and name it after the first +object he saw. We might have some future statesman named "Red Headed +Servant Girl with a Rubber Bag of Hot Water," or "Bald Headed Husband +Walking Up and Down the Alley with His Hands in His Pockets swearing this +thing shall never Happen Again." If the doctor happened to go to the door +when the grocery delivery wagon was there, he would name the child "Boy +from Dickson's Grocery with a Codfish by the Tail and a Bag of Oatmeal," +or if the ice man was the first object the doctor saw, some beautiful girl +might go down to history with the name, "Pirate with a Lump of Ice About +as Big as a Soltaire Diamond." Or suppose it was about election time and +the doctor should look out, he might name a child that had a +right to grow up a minister, "Candidate for Office so full of Bug Juice +that His Back Teeth are afloat;" or suppose he should look out and see a +woman crossing a muddy street, he might name a child "Woman with a +Sealskin Cloak and a Hole in Her Stocking going Down Town to Buy a Red +Hat." It wouldn't do at all to name children the way Indians do, because +the doctors would have the whole business in their hands, and the +directories are big enough now. + + +AN EDITOR BURGLARIZED. + +The residence of John Turner, of the Mauston _Star_, was entered by +burglars a few nights since, and his clothes were stolen, containing all +his money and his railroad pass. We can imagine an editor around bare as +to legs, etcetery, and out of money, but to be without a railroad pass +must indeed be a sad state of affairs. When burglars burgle an editor it +is a sign that confidence is restored under Hayes' administration. We +trust that editors throughout the State who are blessed with this world's +goods to the extent of more than one pair of pants, will send one pair at +least to John Turner, Mauston, Wis., by express. We are probably as poor +as any editor, but we have sent him those alligator pants that have +created such a sensation in years gone by. It is true they are a little +bit fringy about the bottoms, and the knees are worn through, and +concealment, like a worm in the bud, has gnawed the foundation all out of +them, but in a little town like Mauston, such things will not be noticed. +John, take them, in welcome, and when the cold winds--but you better carry +bricks in your coat tail pockets. That is the way we wore them the last +three or four years. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA DISSECTED. + +"I understand your Pa has got to drinking again like a fish," says the +grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came in the grocery and took a +handful of dried apples. The boy ate a dried apple and then made up a +terrible face, and the grocery man asked him what he was trying to do with +his face. The boy caught his breath and then said: + +"Say, don't you know any better than to keep dried apples where a boy can +get hold of them when he has got the mumps? You will kill some boy yet by +such dum carelessness. I thought these were sweet dried apples, but they +are sour as a boarding house keeper, and they make me tired. Didn't you +ever have the mumps? Gosh, but don't it hurt though? You have got to be +darn careful when you have the mumps, and not go out bob-sledding, or +skating, or you will have your neck swell up biggern a milk pail. Pa says +he had the mumps once when he was a boy and it broke him all up." + +"Well, never mind the mumps, how about your Pa spreeing it. Try one of +those pickles in the jar there, won't you. I always like to have a boy +enjoy himself when he comes to see me," said the grocery man, winking to a +man who was filling an old fashioned tin box with tobacco out of the pail, +who winked back as much as to say, "if that boy eats a pickle on top of +them mumps we will have a circus, sure." + +"You can't play no pickle on me, not when I have the mumps. Ma passed the +pickles to me this morning, and I took one mouthful, and like to had the +lockjaw. But Ma didn't do it on purpose, I guess. She never had the mumps +and didn't know how discouraging a pickle is. Darn if I didn't feel as +though I had been struck in the butt of the ear with a brick. But +about Pa. He has been fuller'n a goose ever since New Year's day. I think +its wrong for women to tempt feeble minded persons with liquor on New +Year's. Now me and my chum, we can take a drink and then let it alone. We +have got brain, and know when we have got enough, but Pa, when he gets to +going don't ever stop until he gets so sick that he can't keep his +stummick inside of hisself. It is getting so they look to me to brace Pa +up every time he gets on a tear, and I guess I fixed him this time so he +will never touch liquor again. I scared him so his bald head turned gray +in a single night." + +"What under the heavens have you done to him now?" says the grocery man, +in astonishment. "I hope you haven't done anything you will regret in +after years." + +"Regret nothing," said the boy, as he turned the lid of the cheese box +back and took the knife and sliced off a piece of cheese, and took a few +crackers out of a barrel, and sat down on a soap box by the stove, "You +see Ma was annoyed to death with Pa. He would come home full, when she had +company, and lay down on the sofa and snore, and he would smell like a +distillery. It hurt me to see Ma cry, and I told her I would break Pa of +drinking if she would let me, and she said if I would promise not to hurt +Pa to go ahead, and I promised not to. Then I got my chum and another boy, +to help, and Pa is all right. We went down to the place where they sell +arms and legs, to folks who have served in the army, or a saw mill, or a +threshing machine, and lose their limbs, and we borrowed some arms and +legs, and fixed up a dissecting room. We fixed a long table in the +basement, big enough to lay Pa out on you know, and then we got false +whiskers and moustaches, and when Pa came in the house drunk and lay down +on the sofa, and got to sleep, we took him and laid him out on the table, +and took some trunk straps, and a circingle and strapped him down +to the table. He slept right along all through it, and we had another +table with the false arms and legs on, and we rolled up our sleeves, and +smoked pipes, just like I read that medical students do when they cut up a +man. + +"Well, you'd a dide to see Pa look at us when he woke up. I saw him open +his eyes, and then we began to talk about cutting up dead men. We put +hickery nuts in our mouths so our voices would sound different, so he +wouldn't know us, and was telling the other boys about what a time we had +cutting up the last man we bought. I said he was awful tough, and when we +had got his legs off and had taken out his brain, his friends came to the +dissecting room and claimed the body, and we had to give it up, but I +saved the legs. I looked at Pa on the table and he began to turn pale, and +he squirmed around to get up, but found he was fast. I had pulled his +shirt up under his arms, while he was asleep, and as he began to move I +took an icicle, and in the dim light of the candles, that were sitting on +the table in beer botles, I drew the icicle across Pa's stummick and I +said to my chum, 'Doc, I guess we had better cut open this old duffer and +see if he died from inflamation of the stummick, from hard drinking, as +the coroner said he did.' Pa shuddered all over when he felt the icicle +going over his bare stummick, and he said, 'For God's sake, gentlemen, +what does this mean? I am not dead.' + +"The other boys looked at Pa with astonishment, and I said 'Well, we +bought you for dead, and the coroner's jury said you were dead, and by the +eternal we ain't going to be fooled out of a corpse when we buy one, are +we Doc?' My chum said not if he knowed his self, and the other students +said, 'Of course he is dead. He thinks he is alive, but he died day before +yesterday, fell dead on the street, and his folks said he had been a +nuisance and they wouldn't claim the corpse, and we bought it at the +morgue.' Then I drew the icicle across him again, and I said, 'I don't +know about this, doctor. I find that blood follows the scalpel as I cut +through the cuticle. Hand me the blood sponge please.' Pa began to wiggle +around, and we looked at him, and my chum raised his eye-lid, and looked +solemn, and Pa said, 'Hold on gentlemen. Don't cut into me any more, and I +can explain this matter. This is all a mistake. I was only drunk.' We went +in a corner and whispered, and Pa kept talking all the time. He said if we +would postpone the hog killing he could send and get witnesses to prove +that he was not dead, but that he was a respectable citizen, and had a +family. After we held a consultation I went to Pa and told him that what +he said about being alive might possibly be true, though we had our +doubts. We had found such cases before in our practice east, where men +seemed to be alive, but it was only temporary. Before we had got them cut +up they were dead enough for all practical purposes. Then I laid the +icicle across Pa's abdomen, and went on to tell him that even if he _was_ +alive it would be better for him to play that he _was_ dead, because he +was such a nuisance to his family that they did not want him, and I was +telling him that I had heard that in his lifetime he was very cruel to his +boy, a bright little fellow who was at the head of his class in Sunday +school and a pet wherever he was known, when Pa interrupted me and said, +'Doctor, please take that carving knife off my stomach, for it makes me +nervous. As for that boy of mine, he is the condemndest little whelp in +town, and he isn't no pet anywhere. Now, you let up on this dissectin' +business, and I will make it all right with you.' We held another +consultation and then I told Pa that we did not feel that it was doing +justice to society to give up the body of a notorious drunkard, after we +had paid twenty dollars for the corpse. If there was any hopes that he +would reform and try and lead a different life, it would be different, and +I said to the boys, 'gentlemen, we must do our duty. Doc, you dismember +that leg, and I will attend to the stomach and the upper part of body. He +will be dead before we are done with him. We must remember that society +has some claim on us, and not let our better natures be worked upon by the +_post mortem_ promises of a dead drunkard.' Then I took my icicle and +began fumbling around the abdomen portion of Pa's remains, and my chum +took a rough piece of ice and began to saw his leg off, while the other +boy took hold of the leg and said he would catch it when it dropped off. +Well, Pa kicked like a steer. He said he wanted to make one more appeal to +us, and we acted sort of impatent but we let up to hear what he had to +say. He said if we would turn him loose he would give us ten dollars more +than we paid for his body, and that he would never drink another drop as +long as he lived. Then we whispered some more and then told him we thought +favorably of his last proposition, but he must swear, with his hand on the +leg of a corpse we were then dissecting that he would never drink again, +and then he must be blindfolded and be conducted several blocks away from +the dissecting room, before we could turn him loose. He said that was all +right, and so we blindfolded him, and made him take a bloody oath, with +his hand on a piece of ice that we told him was a piece of another corpse, +and then we took him out of the house and walked him around the block four +times, and left him on a corner, after he had promised to send the money +to an address that I gave him. We told him to stand still five minutes +after we left him, then remove the blindfold, and go home. We watched him, +from behind a board fence, and he took off the handkerchief, looked at the +name on a street lamp, and found he was not far from home. He started off +saying 'That's a pretty narrow escape old man. No more whisky for you.' I +did not see him again until this morning, and when I asked him where he +was last night he shuddered and said 'none of your darn business. But I +never drink any more, you remember that.' Ma was tickled and she told me I +was worth my weight in gold. Well, good day. That cheese is musty." And +the boy went and caught on a passing sleigh. + + +COL. INGERSOLL PRAYING. + +Bob. Ingersoll is taking a rest from his persecutions of the Creator, and +is traveling in the Yo Semite region of California. Bob does not believe +there is a God, but if he was riding a kicking mule, down the precipice +near the big trees, and the saddle should turn over with him, and his foot +should be caught in the stirrup, after the mule had kicked him a few times +in the judgement seat, which is the bowels, in his case, he would be very +apt to bellow like a calf, and say "O, Lord, please unbuckle that cussed +strap." We should like to hear Bob had met with some such accident, just +so he would recognize the foreign government of the Lord, which at present +he totally ignores. Not that we have anything against Ingersoll. + + +HOW TO INVEST A THOUSAND DOLLARS. + +A young man advertises in a Milwaukee paper for a partnership. He wants to +invest one thousand dollars in some established business. Go to La Crosse +and go to betting on election. It pays, and is an established business. +There's millions in it. + + +BOYS AND CIRCUSES. + +There is one thing the American people have got to learn, and that is to +give scholars in schools a half holiday when there is a circus in town. We +know that we are in advance of many of the prominent educators of the +country when we advocate such a policy, but sooner or later the people +whose duty it is to superintend schools will learn that we are right, and +they will have to catch up with us or resign. + +In the first place, a boy is going to attend a circus if there is one in +town, and the question before teachers and superintendents should be, not +how to prevent him from going to the circus, but how to keep his mind on +his books the day before the circus and the day after. There have been +several million boys made into liars by school officials attempting to +prevent their going to circusses, and we contend that it is the duty of +teachers to place as few temptations to lie as possible in the way of +boys. + +If a boy knows that there will be no school on the afternoon of circus +day, he will study like a whitehead all the forenoon, and learn twice as +much as he will in all day if he can't go. If he knows there is a +conspiracy on foot between his parents and the teachers to keep him from +the circus, he begins to think of some lie to get out of school. He will +be sick, or run away, or something. + +He will get there if possible. And after the first lie succeeds in getting +him out of school, he is a liar from the word go. There is something, some +sort of electricity that runs from a boy to a circus, and all the teachers +in the world cannot break the connection. A circus is the boys' heaven. + +You may talk to him about the beautiful gates ajar, and the angel band in +heaven that plays around the great white throne, and he can't understand +it, but the least hint about the circus tent, with the flap +pulled to one side to get in, and the band wagon, and the girls jumping +through hoops, and the clown, and he is onto your racket at a jump. + +You may try to paralyze him by the story of Daniel in the den of lions, +and how he was saved by faith in the power above, and the boy's mind will +revert to the circus, where a man in tights and spangles goes in and +bosses the lions and tigers around, and he will wonder if Daniel had a +rawhide, and backed out of the cage with his eye on the boss lion. + +At a certain age a circus can hold over heaven or anything else in a boy's +mind, and as long as the circus does not hurt him, why not shut up shop a +half a day and let him go? If you keep him in school he wont learn +anything, and he will go to the circus in the evening and be up half the +night seeing the canvas men tear down the tent and load up, and the next +day he is all played out and not worth a continental. To some it would +look foolish to dismiss school for a circus, but it will cement a +friendship between teachers and scholars that nothing else could. + +Suppose, a day or two before the circus arrives, the teacher should say to +the school: "Now I want you kids to go through your studies like a tramp +through a boiled dinner, and when the circus comes we will close up this +ranch and all go to the circus, and if any of you can't raise the money to +go, leave your names on my desk and I will see you inside the tent if I +have to pawn my shirt." + +Of course it is a male teacher we are supposing said this. Well, don't you +suppose those boys and girls would study? They would fairly whoop it up. +And then suppose the teacher found forty boys that hadn't any money to go +and he had no school funds to be used for such a purpose. + +How long would it take him to collect the money by going around +among business men who had been boys themselves? He would go into a store +and say he was trying to raise money to take some of the poor children to +the circus, and a dozen hands would go down into a dozen pockets in two +jerks of a continued story, and they would all chip in. + +O, we are too smart. We are trying to fire education into boys with a shot +gun, when we ought to get it into them inside of sugar coated pills. Let +us turn over a new leaf now, and show these boys that we have got souls in +us, and that we want them to have a good time if we don't lay up a cent. + + +THE WATERS OF LA CROSSE. + +We have heretofore entirely overlooked the magnetic qualities of the La +Crosse water. It will be remembered that the Fond du Lac water is +advertised as magnetic water, and it has been said that a knife blade, +after being soaked in the water will take up a watch key or a steel pen. +That is nothing compared to the La Crosse water. Last week a man who had +been soaked in La Crosse water, took up a watch, key and all, and a +policeman who had been using the water took up the man, with the watch. A +pair of ice tongs, made of steel, on being soaked in water, took up a +piece of ice weighing over a hundred pounds, and a farmer named Dawson, +after drinking the water took up a stray colt. A young couple stopped the +other evening and took a drink of water and up Fourth street, and before +they got to Seymour's corner they were walking so close together that you +couldn't tell which the bustle was on. We have never seen water that had +so much magnetism in as this. A pot of it on a house is better than a +lightning rod. + + +SARDINEINDIANAPOLIS. + +In company with a couple of hundred others who were firm in the belief +that the Sardinapalus troupe were under the auspices of the Young Men's +Christian Association, we attended the performance on Monday evening. It +was heralded as coming from Booth's theater, N.Y., where it had a run of +four months. Most of them got away while on the trip here, and only a few +appeared. The scenery, which was also extensively advertised, was no more +than could have been fixed up with a whitewash brush in half a day, by +home talent. The play, what there was of it was well rendered, though many +doubted the propriety of the king calling around him a lot of La Crosse +soldiers, to hear him tell the Greek slave how he loved her. There was +much dissatisfaction about the Greek slave. All marble statues of the +Greek slave represent her with nothing on but a trace chain around one arm +and one leg. But the party who got up this play went behind the returns +and invested her with a white night gown, which detracted very much from +history. The "soldiers" were picked up among the La Crosse boys, and they +got tangled up, and couldn't form a line to save themselves, and when they +stood against the wall it was a melancholy fact that they tickled the +ballet girls in the ribs as they passed by. This was highly wrong. It +takes the romance out of the affair to gaze upon an Assyrian soldier, +covered with armor, and carrying a cover to a wash boiler in his hand, and +to think that he is covered with scars won in battle, and then look at him +through a glass and have him wink at you, and you find that you have seen +him thousands of times standing on the postoffice corner, spitting tobacco +juice across the sidewalk at the hydrant. Mrs. Sardinapalus did not +appear, having gone to visit her uncle, but "Sard." stuck to the Greek +slave like a sand burr to a boy's trousers. They laid down +together on a bale of paper rags and looked at the dance. The dance was +pretty good. First there came out about a dozen girls in tights, with +skirts as short as pie crust. Their legs were all round and well got up, +showing that the sawdust was evenly distributed, with no chance for +dissatisfaction. They capered around, and smiled at the reflection of the +red lights in the gallery upon the bald heads before them, and kicked up +like all possessed, and then they backed up against the wings and fooled +with the La Cross Assyrians, who came down like a wolf on the fold. Then +there came out two first-class dancers, one short, fat, plump, but mighty +small, so small that she didn't look as though she was big enough for a +cork to a jug. But she could dance. Well, she ought to, as she had no +clothes to bother her. Next came a brunette, evidently of French +extraction, with a face that was a protection against assault with intent +to kill, and legs of the Gothic style. Smith said she was spavined, but +that's a lie. She danced better than all of them, and walked on her big +toes till the audience yelled. Then the dancers all got tangled up +together, the brunette fell over on the little blonde, stuck her hind foot +right in the air as straight as a liberty pole struck by lightning, +somebody said "Tableau," and the curtain went down, and the audience +looked at each other as much as to say, "Let's go home." The boys in the +gallery cheered, and the curtain was rung up again, but her flag was still +there. Then they had a fighting scene, where everybody gets mad and goes +out into the dressing room and clashes old swords together, and come back +wounded. The king, after killing up a lot ahead, got a furlough and came +in and lallygaged with the Greek slave a spell, and then the battle was +lost, and "Sardine." said he might as well die for an old sheep as a lamb. +So he ordered a funeral pile built of red fire, and he got on it to be +burned up. The Greek slave said if that was the game she wanted a hand +dealt to her, as wherever "Sard." went she was going, as she had +an insurance policy against fire in the Northwestern Mutual. So he invited +her on to the kindling wood, and after hugging enough to last them through +perdition--and mighty good hugging it was too--the pile of slabs was +touched off, the flames rolled, and "Sard." and the Greek slave went down +to hell clasped in each other's embrace, and we went to the People's store +and bought a mackerel and went home and told our wife we had been to a +democratic caucus. We don't know what all the other fellows told their +wives, but there has been a heap of lying, we know that much. + +[Illustration: "SARD." AND THE GREEK SLAVE.] + + +INSECURE ABODES. + +Four men fell out of the Oshkosh jail the other day. If Oshkosh would only +imitate Fond du lac, and paper the county jail with wall paper, it might +become safe. + + +THE KNIGHT AND THE BRIDAL CHAMBER. + +There was one of those things occurred at a Chicago hotel during the +conclave that is so near a fight and yet so ridiculously laughable that +you don't know whether you are on foot or a horseback. Of course some of +the Knights in attendance were from the backwoods, and while they were +well up in all the secret workings of the order, they were awful "new" in +regard to city ways. + +There was one Sir Knight from the Wisconsin pineries, who had never been +to a large town before, and his freshness was the subject of remark. He +was a large-hearted gentleman, and a friend that any person might be proud +to have. But he _was_ fresh. He went to the Palmer House Tuesday night, +after the big ball, tired nearly to death, and registered his name and +called for a bed. + +The clerk told him that he might have to sleep on a red lounge, in a room +with two other parties, but that was the best that could be done. He said +that was all right, he "had tried to sleep on one of them cots down to +camp, but it nearly broke his back," and he would be mighty glad to strike +a lounge. The clerk called a bell boy and said, "Show the gentleman to +253." + +The boy took the Knight's keister and went to the elevator, the door +opened and the Knight went in and began to pull off his coat, when he +looked around and saw a woman on the plush upholstered seat of the +elevator, leaning against the wall with her head on her hand. She was +dressed in ball costume, with one of those white Oxford tie dresses cut +low in the instep, which looked, in the mussed and bedraggled condition in +which she had escaped from the exposition ball, very much to the Knight +like a Knight shirt. The astonished pinery man stopped pulling off his +coat and turned pale. He looked at the woman, then at the +elevator boy, whom he supposed was the bridegroom, and said: + +"By gaul, they told me I would have to sleep with a couple of other folks, +but I had no idea that I should strike a wedding party in a cussed little +bridal chamber not bigger than a hen coop. But there ain't nothing mean +about me, only I swow it's pretty cramped quarters, ain't it, miss?" and +he sat down on one end of the seat and put the toe of one boot against the +calf of his leg, took hold of the heel with the other hand and began to +pull it off. + +"Sir!" says the lady, as she opened her eyes and began to take in the +situation, and she jumped up and glared at the Knight as though she would +eat him. + +He stopped pulling on the boot heel, looked up at the woman, as she threw +a loose shawl over her low neck shoulders, and said: + +"Now don't take on. The book-keeper told me I could sleep on the lounge, +but you can have it, and I will turn in on the floor. I ain't no hog. +Sometimes they think we are a little rough up in Wausau, but we always +give the best places to the wimmen, and don't you forget it," and he began +tugging on the boot again. + +By this time the elevator had reached the next floor, and as the door +opened the woman shot out of the door, and the elevator boy asked the +Knight what floor he wanted to go to. He said he "didn't want to go to no +floor," unless that woman wanted the lounge, but if she was huffy, and +didn't want to stay there, he was going to sleep on the lounge, and he +began to unbutton his vest. + +Just then a dozen ladies and gentlemen got in the elevator from the parlor +floor, and they all looked at the Knight in astonishment. Five of the +ladies sat down on the plush seat, and he looked around at them, picked up +his boots and keister and started for the door, saying: + +"O, say, this is too allfired much. I could get along well enough +with one woman and a man, but when they palm off twelve grown persons onto +a granger, in a sweat box like this, I had rather go to camp," and he +strode out, to be met by a policeman and the manager of the house and two +clerks, who had been called by the lady who got out first and who said +there was a drunken man in the elevator. They found that he was sober, and +all that ailed him was that he had not been salted, and explanations +followed and he was sent to his room by the stairs. + +[Illustration: "THIS IS TOO ALLFIRED MUCH!"] + +The next day some of the Knights heard the story, and it cost the Wausau +man several dollars to foot the bill at the bar, and they say he is +treating yet. Such accidents will happen in these large towns. + + +SEVEN YEAR OLD HORSES. + +An old farmer once said, "What a year it must have been for colts seven +years ago this spring." No person who has never attempted to buy a horse +can appreciate the remark, but if he will let it be known that he wants to +buy a good horse, he will be struck with the circumstance that all the +horses that are of any particular account were born seven years ago. +Occasionally there is one that is six years old, but they are not plenty, +Now, those of us who lived around here seven years ago did not have our +attention called to the fact that the country was flooded with colts. +There were very few twin colts, and it was seldom that a mother had half a +dozen colts following her. Farmers and stock raisers did not go round +worrying about what they were going to do with so many colts. The papers, +if we recollect right, were not filled with accounts of the extraordinary +number of colts born. And yet it must have been a terrible year for colts, +because there are only six horses in Milwaukee that are over seven years +old, but one of them was found to have been pretty well along in years +when he worked in Burnham's brick yard in 1848, and finally the owner +owned up that he was mistaken twenty-six years. What a mortality there +must have been among horses that would now be eight, nine or ten years +old. There are none of them left. And a year from now, when our present +stock of horses would naturally be eight years old they will all be dead, +and a new lot of seven years old horses will take their places. It is +singular, but it is true. That is, it is true unless horse dealers lie, +and THE SUN would be slow to charge so grave a crime upon a useful and +enterprising class of citizens. No, it cannot be, and yet, don't it seem +peculiar that all the horses in this broad land are seven years old this +spring? We leave the suject for the youth of the land to wonder over, + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA JOINS A TEMPERANCE SOCIETY. + +"Don't you think my Pa is showing his age a good deal more than usual?" +asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as he took a smoked herring out of a +box, and peeled off the skin with a broken bladed jack-knife, and split it +open and ripped off the bone, threw the head at a cat, took some crackers +and began to eat. + +"Well, I don't know but he does look as though he was getting old," said +the grocery man, as he took a piece of yellow wrapping paper and charged +the boy's poor old father with a dozen herrings and a pound of crackers; +"But there is no wonder he is getting old. I wouldn't go through what your +father has, the last year, for a million dollars. I tell you, boy, when +your father is dead, and you get a step-father, and he makes you walk the +chalk mark, you will realize what a bonanza you have fooled yourself out +of by killing off your father. The way I figure it, your father will last +about six months, and you ought to treat him right, the little time he has +to live." + +"Well, I am going to," said the boy, as he picked the herring bones out of +his teeth with a piece of a match that he sharpened with his knife. "But I +don't believe in borrowing trouble about a step-father so long before +hand. I don't think Ma could get a man to step into Pa's shoes, as long as +I lived, not if she was inlaid with diamonds, and owned a brewery. There +are brave men, I know, that are on the marry, but none of them would want +to be brevet father to a cherubim like me, except he got pretty good +wages. And then, since Pa was dissected he is going to lead a different +life, and I guess I will make a man of him, if he holds out. We got him to +join the Good Templars last night." + +"No, you don't tell me," said the grocery man, as he thought that +his trade in cider for mince pies would be cut off. "So you got him into +the Good Templars, eh?" + +"Well, he thinks he has joined the Good Templars, so it is all the same. +You see my chum and me have been going to a private gymnasium, on the west +side, kept by a Dutchman, and in the back room he has all the tools for +getting up muscle. There, look at my arm," said the boy, as he rolled up +his sleeve and showed a muscle about as big as an oyster. "That is the +result of training at the gymnasium. Before I took lessons I hadn't any +more muscle than you have got. Well, the Dutchman was going to a dance on +the south side the other night, and he asked my chum to tend the +gymnasium, and I told Pa if he would join the Good Templars that night +there wouldn't be many at the lodge, and he wouldn't be so embarrassed, +and as I was one of the officers of the lodge I would put it to him light, +and he said he would go, so my chum got five other boys to help us put him +through. So we steered him down to the gymnasium and made him rap on the +storm door outside, and I said 'who comes there?' and he said it was a +pilgrim who wanted to jine our sublime order. I asked him if he had made +up his mind to turn from the ways of a hyena, and adopt the customs of the +truly good, and he said if he knew his own heart he had, and then I told +him to come in out of the snow and take off his pants. He kicked a little +at taking off his pants, because it was cold out there in the storm door +dog house, but I told him they all had to do it. The princes, potentates +and paupers all had to come to it. He asked me how it was when we +initiated women, and I told him women never took that degree. He pulled +off his pants and wanted a check for them, but I told him the Grand Mogul +would hold his clothes, and then I blind-folded him, and with a base ball +club I pounded on the floor as I walked around the gymnasium, while the +lodge, headed by my chum, sung, 'We won't go home till morning' I +stopped in front of the ice water tank, and said, 'Grand Worthy Duke, I +bring before you a pilgrim who has drank of the dregs until his stomach +won't hold water, and who desires to swear off.' The Grand Mogul asked me +if he was worthy and well qualified, and I told him that he had been drunk +more or less since the reunion last summer, which ought to qualify him. +Then the Grand Mogul made Pa repeat the most blood-curdling oath, in which +Pa agreed, if he ever drank another drop, to allow anybody to pull his +toe-nails out with tweezers, to have his liver dug out and fed to dogs, +his head chopped off, and his eyes removed. Then the Mogul said he would +brand the candidate on the bare back with the initial letters of our +order, 'G.T.,' that all might read how a brand had been snatched from the +burning. You'd a dide to see Pa flinch when I pulled up his shirt, and got +ready to brand him. + +"My chum got a piece of ice out of the water cooler, and just as he +clapped it on Pa's back I burned a piece of horses hoof in the candle, and +held it to Pa's nose, and I guess Pa actually thought it was his burning +skin that he smelled. He jumped about six feet and said, 'Great heavens, +what you dewin,' and then he began to roll over a barrel which I had +arranged for him. Pa thought he was going down cellar, and he hung to the +barrel, but he was on top half the time. When Pa and the barrel got +through fighting I was beside him, and I said, 'Calm yourself, and be +prepared for the ordeal that is to follow.' Pa asked how much of this dum +fooling there was, and said he was sorry he joined. He said he could let +licker alone without having the skin all burned off his back. I told Pa to +be brave and not weaken, and all would-be well. He wiped the prespiration +off his face on the end of his shirt, and we put a belt around his body +and hitched it to a tackle, and pulled him up so his feet just +off the floor, and then we talked as though we were away off, and I told +my chum to look out that Pa did not hit the gas fixtures, and Pa actually +thought he was being hauled clear up to the roof. I could see he was +scared by the complexion of his hands and feet, as they clawed the air. He +actually sweat so the drops fell on the floor. Bime-by we let him down, +and he was awfully relieved though his feet were not more than two inches +from the floor any of the time. We were just going to slip Pa down a board +with slivers in to give him a realizing sense of the rough road a reformed +man has to travel, and got him straddle of the board, when the Dutchman +came home from the dance fullern a goose, and he drove us boys out, and we +left Pa, and the Dutchman said, 'Vot you vas doing here mit dose boys, you +old duffer, and vere vas your pants?' and Pa pulled off the handkerchief +from his eyes, and the Dutchman said if he didn't get out in a holy minute +he would kick the stuffing out of him, and Pa got out. He took his pants +and put them, on in the alley, and then we came up to Pa and told him that +was the third time the drunken Dutchman had broke up our lodge, but we +should keep on doing good until we had reformed every drunkard in +Milwaukee, and Pa said that was right, and he would see us through, if it +cost every dollar he had. Then we took him home, and when Ma asked if she +couldn't join the lodge, too, Pa said, 'Now you take my advice, and don't +you ever join no Good Templars. Your system could not stand the racket. +Say, I want you to put some cold cream on my back.' I think Pa will be a +different man now, don't you?" + +The grocery man said if he was that boy's pa for fifteen minutes he would +be a different boy or there would be a funeral, and the boy took a handful +of soft-shelled almonds and a few layer raisins and skipped out. + + +THE WAY WOMEN BOSS A PILLOW. + +Among the recent inventions is a pillow holder. It is explained that the +pillow holder is for the purpose of holding a pillow while the case is +being put on. We trust this new invention will not come into general use, +as there is no sight more beautiful to the eyes of man than to see a woman +hold a pillow in her teeth while she gently manipulates the pillow case +over it. + +[Illustration: BOSSING THE PILLOW.] + +We do not say that a woman is beautiful with her mouth full of pillows. No +one can ever accuse us of saying that, but there is something home-like +and old-fashioned about it that cannot be replaced by any invention. + +We know that certain over fastidious women have long clamored for some new +method of putting on a pillow case, but these people have either lost +their teeth, or the new ones do not grasp the situation. They have tried +several new methods, such as blowing the pillow case up, and trying to get +it in before the wind got out, and they have tried to get the pillow in by +rolling up the pillow case until the bottom is reached, and then placing +the pillow on end and gently unrolling the pillow case, but all these +schemes have their drawbacks. + +The old style of chewing one end of the pillow, and holding it the way a +retriever dog holds a duck, till the pillow case is on, and then +spanking the pillow a couple of times on each side, is the best, and it +gives the woman's jaws about the only rest they get during the day. + +If any invention drives this old custom away from us, and we no more see +the matrons of our land with their hair full of feathers and their mouths +full of striped bed-ticking, we shall feel that one of the dearest of our +institutions has been ruthlessly torn from us, and the fabric of our +national supremacy has received a sad blow, and that our liberties are in +danger. + + +HUNTING DOGS. + +They are making everything out of rubber now. A man has invented a hunting +dog that can be carried in the pocket. When you get in the field, all you +have to do is to blow the dog up, and start it to going. This will be a +great saving, as hunters will not have to pay baggage men a dollar for +tying their dogs to a trunk, when they go off hunting. + + +ENTERPRISING CHICAGO! + +Chicago is to have a hotel built exclusively for men. Under no +circumstances will a woman be admitted into it. There are so many men who +go to Chicago, who are liable to wink at women at the table of the hotel, +before they know their own heart, to lead a different life, that this new +hotel, without temptation, has been decided upon. There will only be a few +old bald headed roosters and persons with red noses and sore eyes stopping +at the new hotel. A hotel without women would be almost as cheerful as a +reform school. + + +A MAD MINISTER. + +There is probably the maddest minister living at Black River Falls, that +can be found in America to-day. He is a real nice man, and his name is +Burt Wheeler. He preaches good sound sense, and everybody likes him. He +has got friends at Neillsville, and all around there. At Black River Falls +there is no license, and liquor is unknown, while at Neillsville there is +license, and one can have benzine at every meal. The other day the express +took a jug from Neillsville to the Falls, directed to the reverend +gentleman, and on the card attached to the jug handle was the following +notice: + +"Old Bourbon--We have license here, and knowing you have none in your town +we thought it but kindness to remember your wants." + +When a jug, or a keg arrives at the Falls by express, every citizen +notices it, and they investigate, and when the jug came into the express +office the expressman winked, and in a few minutes half the population of +the darling little village was there. They read the note on the card and +winked at each other. One man as he took a piece of cut sugar out of a +barrel, said he had long suspected that Burt liked his toddy. Another +fellow, picking a mouthful off a codfish, remarked that you couldn't +always tell about these confounded ministers. Frank Cooper, the editor of +the _Banner_, though he looked pained when he saw the name "Old Bourbon" +on the jug, and noticed the immense size of the jug remarked that it was +the best way not to condemn a man till the returns were all in. The +reverened gentleman was interrupted in his preparation of his sermon by a +neighboring lady who just dropped in to tell the news, and when she sighed +and told him that his jug of whisky which he had ordered from Neillsville, +was in the express office, he could hardly believe his ears. He had +always, to the best of his knowledge and belief, tried to lead a +different life, and this was too much--too much bourbon. Scratching out +the last line that he had written, which was something about something +biting like an anaconda, and stinging like a ready reckoner, he put on his +coat and started down town, resolved to face the multitude, conscious of +his innocence. He approached the express office a little nervous. The +crowd filled the street, and as he passed a raftsman with red breeches on, +said he wouldn't have such a nose as that on him for a hundred dollars. +"He is full now," said another, as the Reverend gentleman put his hand on +an awning post to steady himself in the trying emergency. A man who was +sitting on a salt barrel, whittling a shingle, and who had one trousers +leg tucked in his boot, and a red sash around him, said if it could be +proved that Wheeler was a drinking man it would be a hard blow at +religion, but he didn't know as he cared a blank anyway. The elder went in +the express office and the crowd fell back to give the chief mourner a +chance to look at the late lamented. There was a different expression on +every face. Some looked as though they were glad he had been caught in the +act, while others wore a mournful expression, as though they had been +suddenly bereaved. He was pale, yet determined, and as he read the +inscription he said, so help him John Rogers, he had never ordered any +whisky, and never drank any, and didn't know anything about this jug. +Turning to those present he said: "This is some horrid nightmare." The +expressman said it was no nightmare, it was whisky. Wheeler said if the +charges were paid he would take it, and taking the jug out doors he raised +it high in the air and dashed it upon the pavement, amid the applause of +his friends. At this point Hon. Wm. T. Price come along, and was told what +had happened. He looked at the amber liquid oozing down between the stones +on the pavement, put his finger in some of it, smelled of it, +touched it to his tongue, and turning to the yet pale and excited +Reverend, he said: + +"Wheeler, you have maintained a noble principle, but you have destroyed +four gallons of the d--dest finest maple syrup that was ever brewed in +Clark county." + +It was true, Doc. French and Tom Reed, of Neillsville, two good friends of +the Rev. Wheeler, had sent him the syrup, knowing that he could use it in +his family, and being jokers they had put the Bourbon card on the jug, +just for fun, with the alleged result above stated. Temperance men should +always smell of the cork, at least, before smashing the jug. We have +practiced that a good many years, and never lost a gallon of maple syrup. + + +ANNA DICKINSON AS MAZEPPA! + +Anna Dickinson is to go upon the stage, and it is said that she will open +in San Francisco, in the play of "Mazeppa." If there is any society for +the prevention of cruelty to animals on the Pacific coast, we trust before +Anna is tied on the wild horse of Tartary, that some one will see to it +that a cushion is put on the back of the horse. + + +GOOD TEMPLARS ON ICE. + +We like to see young Good Templars have a hankering after cold water, +bright water; but when a Juvenile Lodge about to start on a picnic, +deliberately loads a hunk of ice belonging to _The Sun_ into an omnibus, +we feel like reaching for the basement of their roundabouts with a piece +of clapboard. + + +BOUNCED FROM CHURCH FOR DANCING. + +The Presbyterian synod at Erie, Pa., has turned a lawyer named Donaldson +out of the church. The charge against him was not that he was a lawyer, as +might be supposed, but that he had danced a quadrille. It does not seem to +us as though there could be anything more harmless than dancing a cold +blooded quadrille. It is a simple walk around, and is not even exercise. +Of course a man can, if he chooses, get in extra steps enough to keep his +feet warm, but we contend that no quadrille, where they only touch hands, +go down in the middle, and alamand left, can work upon a man's religion +enough to cause him to backslide. + +If it was this new "waltz quadrille" that Donaldson indulged in, where +there is intermittant hugging, and where the head gets to whirling, and a +man has to hang on to his partner quite considerable, to keep from falling +all over himself, and where she looks up fondly into his eyes and as +though telling him to squeeze just as hard as it seemed necessary for his +convenience, we should not wonder so much at the synod hauling him over +the coals for cruelty to himself, but a cold quadrille has no deviltry in +it. + +We presume the wicked and perverse Dr. Donaldson will join another church +that allows dancing judiciously administered, and may yet get to heaven +ahead of the Presbyterian synod, and he may be elected to some high +position there, as Arthur was here, after the synod of Hayes and Sherman +had bounced him from the Custom House for dancing the great spoils walk +around. + +It is often the case here, and we do not know why it may not be in heaven, +that the ones that are turned over and shook up, and the dust knocked out +of them, and their metaphorical coat tail filled with boots, find that the +whirligig of time has placed them above the parties who smote +them, and we can readily believe that if Donaldson gets a first-class +position of power, above the skies, he will make it decidedly warm for his +persecutors when they come up to the desk with their gripsacks and +register and ask for a room and a bath, and a fire escape. He will be apt +to look up to the key rack and tell them everything is full, but they can +find pretty fair accommodations at the other house, down at the Hot +Springs, on the European plan, by Mr. Devil, formerly of Chicago. + + +FROZEN EARS. + +"A young fellow and his girl went out sleighing yesterday, and the lad +returned with a frozen ear. There is nothing very startling in the simple +fact of a frozen ear, but the idea is that it was the ear next to the girl +that he was foolish enough to let freeze." A girl that will go out +sleigh-riding with a young man and allow his ears to freeze is no +gentleman, and ought to be arrested. Why, here in Milwaukee, on the +coldest days, we have seen a young man out riding with a girl, and his +ears were so hot they would fairly "sis," and there was not a man driving +on the avenue but would have changed places with the young man, and +allowed his ears to cool. Girls cannot sit too close during this weather. +The climate is rigorous. + + +HARD ON FOND DU LAC. + +Forest street, Fond du Lac, is going to be a great place for sparking, one +of these days. For three years all the children born on that street have +been girls. Some lay it to the artesian well water. + + +THOSE BOLD BAD DRUMMERS. + +About seventy-five traveling men were snowed in at Green Bay during a late +blockade, and they were pretty lively around the hotels, having quiet fun +Friday and Saturday, and passing away the time the best they could, some +playing seven up, others playing billiards, and others looking on. Some of +the truly good people in town thought the boys were pretty tough, and they +wore long faces and prayed for the blockade to raise so the spruce-looking +chaps could go away. + +The boys noticed that occasionally a lantern-jawed fellow would look pious +at them, as though afraid he would be contaminated. So Sunday morning they +decided to go to church in a body. Seventy-five of them slicked up and +marched to the Rev. Dr. Morgan's church, where the reverend gentleman was +going to deliver a sermon on Temperance. No minister ever had a more +attentive audience, or a more intelligent one, and when the collection +plate was passed every last one of the travelers chipped in a silver +dollar. + +[Illustration: THE SEXTON IN ALL HIS GLORY.] + +When the sexton had received the first ten dollars the perspiration stood +out on his forehead as though he had been caught in something. It was +getting heavy, something that never occurred before in the history of +church collections at the Bay. As he passed by the boys, and dollar after +dollar was added to his burden, he felt like he was at a picnic, and when +twenty-five dollars had accumulated on the plate he had to hold it with +both hands, and finally the plate was full, and he had to go and +empty it on the table in front of the pulpit, though he was careful to +remember where he left off, so he wouldn't go twice to the same drummer. + +As he poured the shekels out on the table, as still as he could, every +person in the audience almost raised up to look at the pile, and there was +a smile on every face, and every eye turned to the part of the church +where sat the seventy-five solemn looking traveling men, who never wore a +smile. The sexton looked up to the minister, who was picking up a hymn, as +much as to say, "Boss, we have struck it rich, and I am going back to work +the lead some more." The minister looked at the boys, and then at the +sexton as though saying, "Verily, I would rather preach to seventy-five +Milwaukee and Chicago drummers than to own a brewery. Go, thou, and reap +some more trade dollars in my vineyard." + +The sexton went back and commenced where he left off. He had his +misgivings, thinking maybe some of the boys would glide out in his +absence, or think better of the affair and only put in nickels on the +second heat, but the first man the sexton held out the platter to planked +down his dollar, and all the boys followed suit, not a man "passed" or +"renigged," and when the last drummer had been interviewed the sexton +carried the biggest load of silver back to the table that he ever saw. + +Some of the silver dollars rolled off on the floor, and he had to put some +in his coat pockets, but he got them all, and looked around at the +congregation with a smile and wiped the perspiration from his forehead +with a bandanna handkerchief and winked, as much as to say, "The first man +that speaks disrespectfully of a traveling man in my presence will get +thumped, and don't you forget it." + +The minister rose up in the pulpit, looked at the wealth on the table, and +read the hymn, "A charge to keep I have," and the congregation joined, the +travelers swelling the glad anthem as though they belonged to a +Pinafore chorus. They all bowed their heads while the minister, with one +eye on the dollars, pronounced the benediction, and the services were +over. + +The traveling men filed out through the smiles of the ladies and went to +the hotel, while half the congregation went forward to the anxious seat, +to "view the remains." It is safe to say that it will be unsafe, in the +future, to speak disparagingly of traveling men in Green Bay, as long as +the memory of that blockade Sunday remains green with the good people +there. + + +ANNA DICKINSON. + +Anna Dickinson is going upon the stage again and is to play male +characters, such as "Hamlet," "Macbeth," and "Claude Melnotte." We have +insisted for years that Anna Dickinson was a man, and we dare anybody to +prove to the contrary. There is one way to settle this matter, and that is +when she plays Hamlet. Let the stage manager put a large spider in the +skull of Yorick, and when Hamlet takes up the skull and says, "Alas, poor +Yorick, I was pretty solid with him," let the spider crawl out of one of +the eye holes onto Hamlet's hand, and proceed to walk up Miss Dickinson's +sleeve. If Hamlet simply shakes the spider off, and goes on with the +funeral unconcerned, then Miss Dickinson is a man. But if Hamlet screams +bloody murder, throws the skull at the grave digger, falls over into the +grave, tears his shirt, jumps out of the grave and shakes his imaginary +skirts, gathers them up in his hands and begins to climb up the scenes +like a Samantha cat chased by a dog, and gets on top of the first fly and +raises Hamlet's back and spits, then Miss Dickinson is a woman. The +country will watch eagerly for the result of this test, which we trust +will be made at the Boston Theatre next week. + + +EXPEDITION IN SEARCH OF A DOUGHNUT. + +"'Twas midnight's holy hour, and silence was brooding like a gentle spirit +o'er the still and pulseless world." Not a sound was heard, except +Robert's dog baying at a sorrel haired young man and a muchmussed girl, +who were returning home from a suburban picnic. As they passed out of +hearing, and the dog was peacefully cannibalizing on a link of sausage +that had been condemned by the board of health, owing to a piece of brass +padlock that showed through the silky nickel plating made of fiddling +string material, a soft cry of a child was heard in an upper room of a +mansion owned by a prosperous business man. The head of the house heard it +and sat up in bed to still the small voice, but couldn't, when the mother +of the child said that she had forgotten to bring up anything for the +child to eat in the night, and she must go down cellar and get a doughnut. +The man said he could never stay there and enjoy himself in bed and think +of his wife, groping around in the dark below stairs after it. After +telling him that he would probably come up with a pickle, ehe let him go. +Carefully he got out of bed, in an angelic frame of mind and a night +shirt, and barefooted he prepared to make the descent. As he stopped to +hold one foot in his hand, the instep of which had struck the rocker of +the baby crib, she told him the doughnuts were in the third crock in the +pantry on the floor. He said it was one evidence of a clear headed man, +that he could walk all over his own house in the dark. At the head of the +first pair of stairs he tripped on a baby cart and the tongue flew up and +struck him on the knee, but by hanging to the bannisters he saved himself. +At the foot of the stairs he tumbled over a block house and broke off a +toe nail. He said it was a mean man that wouldn't sacrifice a few toe +nails for his little baby, and he laughed. He fell over a dining room +chair, and sat down in another, and when he got up he felt that +though he was not proud, he was stuck up, for on his night shirt was a +sticky fly paper that had been placed in readiness to catch the unwary +early fly. After peeling off the sticky paper, and subterraneously +swearing a neat, delicate little female swear, he groped to the cellar +door, and began to go down. + +[Illustration: THE STARTLED CAT.] + +Now, if there is anything a boy ought to be punished for, it is for +surreptitiously eating a large slice of musk melon and leaving the rind on +the top stair. It tends to make a boy disliked. The head of the family +stepped with his bare feet on the piece of melon, and sat down so quick +that it made his head swim. It made him swim all over, and under, and +everywhere. But if he sat down soon, he got up sooner. If there is one +thing that a house cat should be taught, it is to sleep elsewhere than on +the top stair. When he fell and struck the sleeping cat there was a +crisis. He took in the situation at once. An occasional disengaged feline +toe nail, and a squall, told him in burning words that, while his title to +the seat was contested, it would be impolitic to wait for a commission of +unbiased judges to decide which was entitled to it. His opponent was +armed, and had possession, and he felt that it would tend to prevent riot +and bloodshed if he quietly gave up. But he felt that while in his present +position the cat was comparatively harmless, if he attempted to rise she +would bring the whole army and navy into action, and perhaps cripple his +resources. So he decided to jump up in a hurry before the cat had time to +think of her toe nails much. His position was not pleasant, to say the +least, but he jumped up in a hurry, hoping the cat would remain and +continue her nap. She was not a remaining cat and as soon as his weight +was removed from her person, she gave a yell as though frightened, and +began to walk up and down his legs, inside of his night shirt. +The question as to how many toe nails a cat has got, has never been +decided, but he says they have a million, and he can show the documents to +prove it. She went up him as though he was a fence post, and a dog after +her, and he flew around as though his linen was on fire, and yelled until +his wife came down to see what was the matter. By unbuttoning the top +button the cat was coaxed out, under protest however, and after a light +was lit there was seen about the maddest man in the world. He took a +candle and went down after the doughnuts, and after running his hand into +a jar of preserved peaches, and another of pickled pig's feet, he struck +the right one, and after hot grease from the candle had run down his +fingers he came up with a doughnut, and then the baby wouldn't eat it, +then he sat down side-ways in a cushioned chair, applied arnica and swore +till daylight. A single shot was heard in the cellar that +morning, and the young life of that cat went out. As he rode down on the +street car the next morning, people marvelled that he should stand up on +the back platform, when there were so many vacant seats, and when a +neighbor asked him to be seated he said, with a yawn, "No thank you, I +have been sitting down a good deal during the night," and he looked mad. +It is such things that drive men to commit crimes. + + +TAKE YOUR LATIN STRAIGHT. + +The school board, at its last session adopted the following rule: "The +continental system of pronounciation shall be taught in the high schools +of La Crosse, and no other allowed except by direction of board of +education." We are glad the rule has been adopted, as there is no doubt +that the continental system is the best. We have been pained beyond +measure, as no doubt all of the school board have, at hearing the scholars +pronounce Latin by 'tother system. No longer ago than last Saturday, when +we were in Mons. Anderson's, a girl came in and asked for a pair of Latin +corsets, by the Onalaska system of pronounciation. The clerk, not +understanding, went and got a pair of those undershirts and drawers, +complete in one number, with no tale to be continued. The girl blushed, +the clerk did not understand, and we had to explain by the continental +system, and the girl got her corsets, but suppose there had not been a +Latin scholar standing around there waiting for his wife to buy a package +of safty pins, what a predicament the girl would have been in. On behalf +of the people, THE SUN thanks the board of education for adopting the +continental system of pronounciation, only they ought to go further, and +make it a crime punishable with suicide for anybody to pronounce it in any +other way. There has been suffering enough by pronouncing it the old way. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HE IS TOO HEALTHY. + +"There, I knew you would get into trouble," said the grocery man to the +bad boy, as a policeman came along leading him by the ear, the boy having +an empty champagne bottle in one hand, and a black eye. "What has he been +doing Mr. Policeman?" asked the grocery man, as the policeman halted with +the boy in front of the store. + +"Well, I was going by a house up here when this kid opened the door with a +quart bottle of champagne, and he cut the wire and fired the cork at +another boy, and the champagne went all over the sidewalk, and some of it +went on me, and I knew there was something wrong, cause champagne is too +expensive to waste that way, and he said he was running the shebang and if +I would bring him here you would say he was all right. If you say so I +will let him go." + +The grocery man said he had better let the boy go, as his parents would +not like to have their little pet locked up. So the policeman let go his +ear, and he throwed the empty bottle at a coal wagon, and after the +policeman had brushed the champagne off his coat, and smelled of his +fingers, and started off, the grocery man turned to the boy, who was +peeling a cucumber, and said: + +"Now, what kind of a circus have you been having, and what do you mean by +destroying wine that way! and, where are your folks?" + +"Well, I'll tell you. Ma she has got the hay fever and has gone to Lake +Superior to see if she can't stop sneezing, and Saturday Pa said he and me +would go out to Oconomowoc and stay over Sunday, and try and recuperate +our health. Pa said it would be a good joke for me not to call him Pa, but +to act as though I was his younger brother, and we would have a +real nice time. I knowed what he wanted. He is an old masher, that's +what's the matter with him, and he was going to play himself for a +batchelor. O, thunder, I got on to his racket in a minute. He was +introduced to some of the girls and Saturday evening he danced till the +cows came home. At home he is awful fraid of rheumatiz, and he never +sweats, or sits in a draft; but the water just poured off'n him, and he +stood in the door and let a girl fan him till I was afraid he would +freeze, and just as he was telling a girl from Tennessee, who was joking +him about being 'a nold batch,' that he was not sure as he could always +hold out a woman hater if he was to be thrown into contact with the +charming ladies of the Sunny South. I pulled his coat and said, 'Pa how do +you spose Ma's hay fever is to-night, I'll bet she is just sneezing the +top of her head off.' Wall, sir, you just oughten seen that girl and Pa. +Pa looked at me as if I was a total stranger, and told the porter if that +freckled faced boot-black belonged around the house he had better be fired +out of the ball room, and the girl said 'the disgustin' thing!' and just +before they fired me I told Pa he had better look out or he would sweat +through his liver pad. + +"I went to bed and Pa staid up till the lights were put out. He was mad +when he came to bed, but he didn't kick me, cause the people in the next +room would hear him, but the next morning he talked to me. He said I might +go back home Sunday night, and he would stay a day or two. He sat around +on the veranda all the afternoon, talking with the girls, and when he +would see me coming along he would look cross. He took a girl out boat +riding, and when I asked him if I couldn't go along, he said he was afraid +I would get drowned, and he said if I went home there was nothing there +too good for me, and so my chum and me got to firing bottles of champagne, +and he hit me in the eye with a cork, and I drove him out doors +and was just going to shell his earth works, when the policeman collared +me. Say, what's good for a black eye?" + +The grocery man told him his Pa would cure it when he got home. "What do +you think your Pa's object was in passing himself off for a single man at +Oconomowoc?" asked the grocery man, as he charged up the cucumber to the +boy's father. + +"That's what beats me. Aside from Ma's hay fever she is one of the +healthiest women in this town. O, I suppose he does it for his health, the +way they all do when they go to a summer resort, but it leaves a boy an +orphan, don't it, to have such kitteny parents?" + + +SURE OF HEAVEN. + +The only persons that are real sure that their calling and election is +sure, and that they are going to heaven across lots, are the men who are +hung for murder. They always announce that they have got a dead thing on +it, just before the drop falls. How encouraging it must be to children to +listen to the prayers of our ministers in churches, who admit that they +are miserable sinners, living on God's charity, and doubtful if they would +be allowed to sit at His right hand, and as they tell the story of their +own unworthiness the tears trickle down their cheeks. Then let the +children read an account of a hanging bee, and see how happy the condemned +man is, how he shouts glory hallelujah, and confesses that, though he +killed his man, he is going to heaven. A child will naturally ask, why +don't the ministers murder somebody, and make a dead sure thing of it? + + +THE NAUGHTY BUT NICE CHURCH CHOIR. + +You may organize a church choir and think you have got it down fine, and +that every member of it is pious and full of true goodness, and in such a +moment as you think not you will find that one or more of them are full of +the old Harry, and it will break out when you least expect it. There is no +more beautiful sight to the student of nature than a church choir. To see +the members sitting together, demure, devoted and pious looking, you think +that there is never a thought enters their mind that is not connected with +singing anthems, but sometimes you get left. + +There is one church choir in Milwaukee that is about as near perfect as a +choir can be. It has been organized for a long time, and has never +quarreled, and the congregation swears by it. When the choir strikes a +devotional attitude it is enough to make an ordinary Christian think of +the angel band above, only the male singers wear whiskers, and the females +wear fashionable clothes. + +You would not think that this choir played tricks on each other during the +sermon, but sometimes they do. The choir is furnished with the numbers of +the hymns that are to be sung, by the minister, and they put a bookmark in +the book at the proper place. One morning they all got up to sing, when +the soprano turned pale, as an ace of spades dropped out of her hymn book, +the alto nearly fainted when the queen of hearts dropped at her feet, and +the rest of the pack was distributed around in the other books. They laid +it onto the tenor, but he swore, while the minister was preaching, that he +didn't know one card from another. + +One morning last summer, after the tenor had been playing tricks all +spring on the rest of the choir, the soprano brought a chunk of +shoemaker's wax to church. The tenor was arrayed like Solomon in +all his glory, with white pants, and a Seymour coat. The tenor got up to +see who the girl was that came in with the old lady, and while he was up +the soprano put the shoemaker's wax on the chair, and the tenor sat down +on it. They all saw it, and they waited for the result. It was an awful +long prayer, and the church was hot, the tenor was no iceberg himself, and +shoemaker's wax melts at ninety eight degrees Fahrenheit. + +[Illustration: THE TENOR ARRAYED IN ALL HIS GLORY.] + +The minister finally got to the amen, and read a hymn, the choir then +coughed and all rose up. The chair that the tenor sat in stuck to him like +a brother, and came right along and nearly broke his suspenders. + +It was the tenor to bat, and as the great organ struck up he pushed the +chair, looked around to see if he had saved his pants, and began to sing, +and the rest of the choir came near bursting. The tenor was called out on +three strikes by the umpire, and the alto had to sail in, and while she +was singing the tenor began to feel of first base to see what was the +matter. When he got his hand on the shoemaker's warm wax his +heart smote him, and he looked daggers at the soprano, but she put on a +pious look and got her mouth ready to sing "Hold the Fort." + +Well, the tenor sat down on a white handkerchief before he went home, and +he got home without anybody seeing him, and he has been, as the old saying +is, "laying" for the soprano ever since to get even. + +It is customary in all first-class choirs for the male singers to furnish +candy for the lady singers, and the other day the tenor went to a candy +factory and had a peppermint lozenger made with about half a teaspoonful +of cayenne pepper in the centre of it. On Christmas he took his lozenger +to church and concluded to get even with the soprano if he died for it. + +Candy had been passed around, and just before the hymn was given out in +which the soprano was to sing a solo, "Nearer My God to Thee," the wicked +wretch gave her the loaded lozenger. She put it in her mouth and nibbed +off the edges, and was rolling it as a sweet morsel under her tongue, when +the organ struck up and they all arose. While the choir was skirmishing on +the first part of the verse and getting scored up for the solo, she chewed +what was left of the candy and swallowed it. + +Well, if a democratic torch-light procession had marched unbidden down her +throat she couldn't have been any more astonished. She leaned over to pick +up her handkerchief and spit the candy out, but there was enough pepper +left around the selvage of her mouth to have pickled a peck of chow-chow. +It was her turn to sing, and as she rose and took the book, her eyes +filled with tears, her voice trembled, her face was as red as a spanked +lobster, and the way she sung that old hymn was a caution. With a sweet +tremulo she sung, "A Charge to Keep I Have," and the congregation was +almost melted to tears. + +As she stopped, while the organist got in a little work, she +turned her head, opened her mouth and blew out her breath with a "whoosh," +to cool her mouth. The audience saw her wipe a tear away, but did not hear +the sound of her voice as she "whooshed." She wiped out some of the pepper +with her handkerchief and sang the other verses with a good deal of +fervor, and the choir sat down, all of the members looking at the soprano. + +She called for water, the noble tenor went and got it for her, and after +she had drank a couple of quarts, she whispered to him: "Young man, I will +get even with you for that peppermint candy if I have to live a thousand +years, and don't you forget it," and then they all sat down and looked +pious, while the minister preached a most beautiful sermon on "Faith." We +expect that tenor will be blowed through the roof some Sunday morning, and +the congregation will wonder what he is in such a hurry for. + + +SUPREME COURT JUDGES AND U.S. SENATORS. + +I would call your attention to a change that it seems to me should be made +in the method of selecting U.S. Senators and Supreme Judges. Heretofore it +has been noticeable that the men who carried the longest pole knocked down +the senatorial persimmons. In the matter of the election of Judges of the +Supreme Court, it has been the practice to secure men for those places at +an enormous salary, when other men would be willing to do the work and +board themselves. The suggestion I would make is that you pass a law +letting the offices of United States Senator and Judges of the Supreme +Court to the lowest bidder. This method will be economical and will secure +to the state men who can legislate and judge things well enough for all +practical purposes. The way times are now we must get things at panic +prices or go without. + + +OUR CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORS HAVE GONE. + +It pains us to announce that the Young Men's Christian Association, which +has had rooms on two sides of our office for more than a year, has moved +away. We do not know why they moved, as we have tried to do everything it +was possible to do for their comfort, and to cheer them in their lonely +life. That their proximity to the _Sun_ office has been beneficial to them +we are assured, and the closeness has not done us any hurt as we know of. + +Many times when something has happened that, had it happened in La Crosse, +might have caused us to be semi-profane, instead of giving way to the +fiery spirit within us, and whooping it up, we have thought of our +neighbors who were truly good, and have turned the matter over to our +business manager, who would do the subject justice or burst a flue. + +When the young Christians have given a sociable, we have always put on a +resigned and pious expression and gone amongst them about the time the +good bald-headed brother brought up the pail full of coffee, and the +cheerful sister cut the cake. + +No one has been more punctual at these free feeds than we have, though we +often noticed that we never got a fair divide of the cake that was left, +when they were dividing it up to carry home for the poor. We have been as +little annoyed by our neighbors as we could have been by anybody that +might have occupied the rooms. + +It is true that at times the singing of a church tune in there when we +were writing a worldly editorial has caused us to get tangled, but the +piety that we have smuggled into our readers through the church music will +more than atone for the wrath we have felt at the discordant music, and we +have hopes the good brothers will not be averse to saying a good +word for us when they feel like it. + +When we lent the young Christians our sanctum as a reception room for the +ladies when they gave the winter picnic to the dry goods clerks, we _did_ +feel a little hurt at finding so many different kinds of hair pins on the +carpet the next morning, and the different colors of long hair on our +plush chairs and raw silk ottoman would have been a dead give away on any +other occasion, but for this, even, we have forgiven the young Christians, +though if we ever do so again, they have got to agree to comb the lounge +and the chairs before we shall ever occupy the rooms again. + +There is nothing that is so hard to explain as a long hair of another +color, or hair pins and blue bows and pieces of switch. They are gone and +we miss them. No more shall we hear the young Christian slip on the golden +stairs and roll down with his boot heel pointing heavenward, while the +wail of a soul in anguish comes over the banisters, and the brother puts +his hand on his pistol pocket and goes out the front door muttering a +silent prayer, with blood in his eyes. + +No more will the young Christian faint by the wayside as he brings back +our borrowed chairs and finds a bottle and six glasses on our centre +table, when he has been importuning us to deliver a temperance speech in +his lecture room. Never again shall we witness the look of agony on the +face of the good brother when we refuse to give five dollars toward +helping discharged criminals to get a soft thing, while poor people who +never committed a crime and have never been supported by the State are +amongst us feeling the pangs of hunger. No more shall we be compelled to +watch the hard looking citizens who frequent the reading room of the +association for fear they will enter our office in the still watches of +the night and sleep on the carpet with their boots on. + +They are all gone. They have crossed the beautiful river, and +have camped near the _Christian Statesman_ office, where all is pure and +good except the houses over on Second street, beyond the livery stable, +where they never will be molested if they do not go there. + +Will they be treated any better in their new home than they have been with +us? Will they have that confidence in their new neighbors that they have +always seemed to have in us? Well, we hope they may be always happy, and +continue to do good, and when they come to die and go to St. Peter's gate, +if there is any backtalk, and they have any trouble about getting in, the +good old doorkeeper is hereby assured that we will vouch for the true +goodness and self-sacrificing devotion of the Milwaukee Young Men's +Christian Association, and he is asked to pass them in and charge it up to +the _Sun_. + + +BUTTERMILK BIBBERS. + +The immense consumption of buttermilk as a drink, retailed over the bars +of saloons, has caused temperance people to rejoice. It is said that over +two thousand gallons a day are sold in Milwaukee. There is one thing about +buttermilk, in its favor, and that is, it does not intoxicate, and it +takes the place of liquor as a beverage. A man may drink a quart of +buttermilk, and while he may feel like a calf that has been sucking, and +want to stand in a fence corner and bleat, or kick up his heels and run +around a pasture, he does not become intoxicated and throw a beer keg +through a saloon window. + +Another thing, buttermilk does not cause the nose to become red, and the +consumer's breath does not smell like the next day after a sangerfest. The +complexion of the nose of a buttermilk drinker assumes a pale hue which is +enchanting, and while his breath may smell like a baby that has nursed too +much and got sour, the smell does not debar his entrance to a temperance +society. + + +FISHING FOR PIECES OF WOMEN. + +There are lots of ludicrous scenes to be observed on the railroads and +conductors are loaded with stories that would cause a marble monument to +keep its sides a laughing. Some day we are going to borrow a conductor, +and take him out in the woods, and place a revolver to his head and make +him deliver a lot of stories. The other day as conductor Fred Underwood's +train from Chicago, arrived on the trestle work on the south side, the +whistle blew, the air break was touched off, and the train came up +standing so quick that a woman lost her false teeth in the sleeper, and +everybody's hair stood up like a mule's ears. Every window had a head out, +and when the conductor got out on the platform he saw the engineer and +fireman on the ends of the ties looking down into the mud and water, +shading their eyes as though looking for the eclipse. + +There, sticking out of the mud were two human legs, and as one leg had a +piece of listing around it, just above the veal, the conductor knew, +instinctively, that the surface indications showed that there was a woman +in there. Then he thought that the engine had probably struck a female, +and tore her all to pieces, and of course he knew that the company would +expect him to bring home enough for a mess, or a funeral. Spitting on his +hands he called a brakeman with a transom hook out of the sleeper, to fish +with, they rolled up their trousers and waded in, after telling a porter +to bring a blanket to put the pieces in. The brakeman got there first and +took hold of one foot, when the conductor got hold of the brakeman's coat +tail and pulled. The passengers turned away sick, expecting to see the +mangled remains brought to the surface. They pulled, and directly the +balance of the deceased came up. It was an Irish lady, with a tin pail, +who had been on the way to take her husband's dinner to him, and +she stood on one side to let the train pass, and had lost her balance and +fallen into the mud. As her head came out of the mud, she squirted water +out of her mouth, kicked the brakeman in the ear and said, + +"Lave go of me, I am a dacent woman!" + +The conductor asked her if she was hurt. + +"Hurted is it," said she, "Ivery bone in my body is kilt intirely, and I +have lost me tay cup," and she looked in her tin pail in distress. + +After vainly trying to get the conductor to wade in and search for her +"tay cup," she permitted them to assist her into the car, where an old +doctor from Racine volunteered to examine her to see if she was mortally +injured. He put his hand on her shoulder and asked her if she was in any +pain. + +"Divil the pain, except the loss of me tay cup," said she, "and kape yer +owld hands off me, for I am a dacent woman." + +She shook herself in the car and got mud all over everybody, and finally +took her pail and jumped off at a crossing before arriving at the depot. +As the train came into the depot ten minutes late, and the conductor +jumped off, all mud from head to foot, as though he had been playing +spaniel and retrieving a wounded duck, Supt. Atkins looked at his clothes +and said, "Where in ---- have you been all the time?" The conductor took a +wisp of straw to wipe himself off, and as he threw it under a car he said +he had been in the artificial propagation of the human race. In fact he +had been engaged in the noble work of raising woman to a higher sphere. He +was allowed to go on probation and wash himself. The brakeman went down +there the next day and was fishing in the same hole. He said he didn't +know but there might be more woman in there, but they say he was after the +"tay cup." + + +NEARLY BROKE UP THE BALL. + +A party of well meaning young people from Ripon nearly broke up a dance at +Hazen's cheese factory, out in the country a spell ago. The people around +there are quiet, sober country people, who confine themselves in dancing, +to plain quadrilles and country dances, with an occasional monnie musk, or +a plain waltz. These young Ripon people are on the dance bigger than a +wolf, and they have learned all the Boston dips, and Saratoga bends, and +Newport colic dances, and everything new. There is one dance they have +learned which is peculiar to say the least. It is a species of waltz, but +the couple get together so odd that a person who sees it for the first +time just leans against something and fans himself. When the music strikes +up a waltz the young man opens his arms and doubles himself up like a boy +with the cholera infantum, his hind leg cramps and his head lops over on +one side, and he looks sick, his back humps up like a case of chronic +inflammatory rheumatism, and he is ready. The girl who is with him, when +he begins to have spasms, at once seems to go into a trance. Her back gets +up like a cat, she bends over towards him, her forward leg gets out of +joint at the knee, her neck takes a cramp, her mouth opens and she lolls, +her eyes roll like a steer that has turned the yoke, and just before she +dies she falls into the arms of the deceased and they are ready. For a +moment they stand and squirm like angle-worms on a hook, and froth at the +mouth, and look, as they stand there, like a pile driver that has been run +into by an engine. They teeter up and down a little, and then fly off on a +tangent, and they flop around in unexpected places among the other +dancers, jump like a box car, bump against other couples, and at every +bump they are driven closer together, until they are so near that it does +seem as though they will have to be pried apart with a handspike; +they look into each other's eyes as though they would bite, and they keep +going around till their backs are broke. Well, a party of these kind of +dancers went to the cheese factory where the country people were gathered, +and after dancing a few quadrilles, the fiddlers struck up an old +fashioned waltz. While the visiting dancers were going into spasms to get +ready to wade in, the floor filled with the country couples, who were +waltzing around old fashioned, when all of a sudden those Ripon people +began to work. They flopped across the cheese factory, knocked down a +couple from Pickett's Corners, caromed on a fellow and his girl from +Brandon and sent them against a barrel of lemonade, glanced across the +hall and struck an old lady amidships that had just started to call her +girl off the floor because she was afraid the girl would catch those Ripon +cramps, knocked her under a bench, where she lay and called for her +husband Isaiah, to come and pick her up in a basket. In less than two +minutes all the other dancers hauled off, and stood on benches and looked +at them. Some of the country girls hid their heads and said they wanted to +go home. The visitors slid around the hall, caught each other on the fly, +run the bases, and come under the wire neck and neck, just as the man who +played second fiddle fell over the base viol in a dead faint, and the man +that played the piccalo rolled under the music stand, striken with +apoplexy. The manager of the dance called a constable who was present, and +told him to arrest the party, and handcuff them and take them to the +Oshkosh insane asylum, where they had escaped. The young men explained +that they were not crazy, and that it was only a new kind of dance, and +they were reluctantly allowed to remain, on condition that they "wouldn't +cut up any more of them city monkey shines, not afore folks." + + +SUMMER RESORTING. + +The other day a business man who has one of the nicest houses in the +nicest ward in the city, and who has horses and carriages in plenty, and +who usually looks as clean as though just out of a band box and as happy +as a schoolma'am at a vacation picnic, got on a street car near the depot, +a picture of a total wreck. He had on a long linen duster, the collar +tucked down under the neck band of his shirt, which had no collar on, his +cuffs were sticking out of his coat pocket, his eyes looked heavy, and +where the dirt had come off with the perspiration he looked pale and he +was cross as a bear. + +[Illustration: THE RESORTER.] + +A friend who was on the car, on the way up town, after a day's work, with +a clean shirt on, a white vest and a general look of coolness, accosted +the traveler as follows: + +"Been summer resorting, I hear?" + +The dirty-looking man crossed his legs with a painful effort, as though +his drawers stuck to his legs and almost peeled the back off, and +answered: + +"Yes, I have been out two weeks. I have struck ten different +hotels, and if you ever hear of my leaving town again during the hot +weather, you can take my head for a soft thing," and he wiped a cinder out +of his eye with what was once a clean handkerchief. + +"Had a good, cool time, I suppose, and enjoyed yourself," said the man who +had not been out of town. + +"Cool time, hell," said the man, who has a pew in two churches, as he +kicked his limp satchel of dirty clothes under the car seat. "I had rather +been sentenced to the House of Correction for a month." + +"Why, what's the trouble?" + +"Well, there is no trouble, for people who like that kind of fun, but this +lets me out. I do not blame people who live in Southern States for coming +North, because they enjoy things as a luxury that we who live in Wisconsin +have as a regular diet, but for a Chicago or Milwaukee man to go into the +country to swelter and be kept awake nights is bald lunancy. Why, since I +have been out I have slept in a room a size smaller than the closet my +wife keeps her linen in, with one window that brought in air from a +laundry, and I slept on a cot that shut up like a jack-knife and always +caught me in the hinge where it hurt. + +"At another hotel, I had a broken-handled pitcher of water that had been +used to rinse clothes in, and I can show you the indigo on my neck. I had +a piece of soap that smelled like a tannery, and if the towel was not a +recent damp diaper than I have never raised six children. + +"At one hotel I was the first man at the table, and two families came in +and were waited on before the Senegambian would look at me, and after an +hour and thirty minutes I got a chance to order some roast beef and baked +potatoes, but the perspiring, thick-headed pirate brought me some boiled +mutton and potatoes that looked as though they had been put in a wash-tub +and mashed by treading on them barefooted. I paid twenty-five +cents for a lemonade made of water and vinegar, with a piece of something +on top that might be lemon peel, and it might be pumpkin rind. + +"The only night's rest I got was one night when I slept in a car seat. At +the hotel the regular guests were kept awake till 12 o'clock by number six +headed boys and girls dancing until midnight to the music of a +professional piano boxer, and then for two hours the young folks sat on +the stairs and yelled and laughed, and after that the girls went to bed +and talked two hours more, while the boys went and got drunk and sang +'Allegezan and Kalamazoo.' + +"Why, at one place I was woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning by what I +thought was a chariot race in the hall outside, but it was only a lot of +young bloods rolling ten pins down by the rooms, using empty wine bottles +for pins and China cuspidores for balls. I would have gone out and shot +enough drunken galoots for a mess, only I was afraid a cuspidore would +carom on my jaw. Talk about rest, I would rather go to a boiler factory. + +"Say, I don't know as you would believe it, but at one place I sent some +shirts and things to be washed, and they sent to my room a lot of female +underclothes, and when I kicked about it to the landlord he said I would +have to wear them, as they had no time to rectify mistakes. He said the +season was short and they had to get in their work, and he charged me +Fifth Avenue Hotel prices with a face that was child-like and bland, when +he knew I had been wiping on diapers for two days in place of towels. + +"But I must get off here and see if I can find water enough to bathe all +over. I will see you down town after I bury these clothes." + +And the sticky, cross man got off swearing at summer hotels and pirates. +We don't see where he could have been traveling. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA JOKES HIM. + +"What on earth is that you have got on your upper lip?" said the grocery +man to the bad boy, as he came in and began to peel a rutabaga, and his +upper lip hung down over his teeth, and was covered with something that +looked like shoemaker's wax, "You look as though you had been digging +potatoes with your nose." + +"O, that is some of Pa's darn smartness. I asked him if he knew anything +that would make a boy's moustache grow, and he told me the best thing he +ever tried was tar, and for me to rub it on thick when I went to bed, and +wash it off in the morning. I put it on last night, and by gosh I can't +wash it off. Pa told me all I had to do was to use a scouring brick, and +it would come off, and I used the brick, and it took the skin off, and the +tar is there yet, and say, does my lip look very bad?" + +The grocery man told him it was the worst looking lip he ever saw, but he +could cure it by rubbing a little cayenne pepper in the tar. He said the +tar would neutralize the pepper, and the pepper would loosen the tar, and +act as a cooling lotion to the lacerated lip. The boy went to a can of +pepper behind the counter, and stuck his finger in and rubbed a lot of it +on his lip, and then his hair began to raise, and he began to cry, and +rushed to the water-pail and ran his face into the water to wash off the +pepper. The grocery man laughed, and when the boy had got the pepper +washed off, and had resumed his rutabaga, he said: + +"That seals your fate. No man ever trifles with the feelings of the bold +buccanner of the Spanish main, without living to rue it. I will lay for +you, old man, and don't you forget it. Pa thought he was smart when he got +me to put tar on my lip, to bring my moustache out, and to-day he +lays on a bed of pain, and to-morrow your turn will come. You will regret +that you did not get down on your knees and beg my pardon. You will be +sorry that you did not prescribe cold cream for my bruised lip, instead of +cayenne pepper. Beware, you base twelve ounces to the pound huckster, you +gimlet-eyed seller of dog sausage, you sanded sugar idiot, you small +potato three card monte sleight of hand rotten egg fiend, you villain that +sells smoked sturgeon and dogfish for smoked halibut. The avenger is on +your track." + +"Look here, young man, don't you threaten me, or I will take you by the +ear and walk you through green fields, and beside still waters to the +front door and kick your pistol pocket clear around so you can wear it for +a watch pocket in your vest. No boy can frighten me by crimus. But tell +me, how did you get even with your Pa?" + +"Well, give me a glass of cider and we will be friends and I will tell +you. Thanks! Gosh, but that cider is made out of mouldy dried apples and +sewer water," and he took a handful of layer raisins off the top of a box +to take the taste out of his mouth, and while the grocer charged a peck of +rutabagas, a gallon of cider and two pounds of raisins to the boy's Pa, +the boy proceeded: + +"You see, Pa likes a joke the best of anybody you ever saw, if it is on +somebody else, but he kicks like a steer when it is on him. I asked him +this morning if it wouldn't be a good joke to put some soft soap on the +front step, so the letter-carrier would slip up and spill hisself, and Pa +said it would be elegant. Pa is a Democrat, and he thinks that anything +that will make it unpleasant for Republican office holders, is legitimate, +and he encouraged me to paralyze the letter-carrier. The letter-carrier is +as old a man as Pa, and I didn't want to humiliate him, but I just wanted +Pa to give his consent, so he couldn't kick if he got caught in his own +trap. You see? Well, this morning the minister and two of the +deacons called on Pa, to have a talk with him about his actions in church, +on two or three occasions, when he pulled out the pack of cards with his +handkerchief, and played the music box, and they had a pretty hot time in +the back parlor, and finally they settled it, and were going to sing a +hymn, when Pa handed them a little hymn book, and the minister opened it +and turned pale and said, 'what's this?' and they looked at it, and it was +a book of Hoyle's games instead of a hymn book. Gosh, wasn't the minister +mad! He had started to read a hymn and he quit after he had read two lines +where it said, 'In a game of four-handed euchre, never trump your +partner's ace, but rely on the ace to take the trick on suit.' Pa was +trying to explain how the book came to be there, when the minister and the +deacons started out, and then I poured the two quart tin pail full of soft +soap on the front step. It was this white soap, just the color of the +step, and when I got it spread I went down in the basement. The visitors +came out and Pa was trying to explain to them, about Hoyle, when one of +the deacons stepped on the soap and his feet flew up and he struck on his +pants and slid down the steps. The minister said 'great heavens, deacon, +are you hurt? let me assist you,' and he took two quick steps, and you +have seen these fellows in a nigger show that kick each other head over +heels and fall on their ears, and stand on their heads and turn around +like a top. The minister's feet slipped and the next I saw he was standing +on his head in his hat, and his legs were sort of wilted and fell limp by +his side, and he fell over on his stomach. You talk about spreading the +gospel in heathen lands. It is nothing to the way you can spread it with +two quarts of soft soap. The minister didn't look pious a bit, when he was +trying to catch the railing he looked as though he wanted to +murder every man on earth, but it may be he was tired. + +"Well, Pa he was paralyzed, and he and the other deacon rushed out to pick +up the minister and the first old man, and when they struck the steps they +went kiting. Pa's feet somehow slipped backwards, and he turned a +summersault and struck full length on his back, and one heel was across +the minister's neck, and he slid down the steps, and the other deacon fell +all over the other three, and Pa swore at them, and it was the worst +looking lot of pious people I ever saw. I think if the minister had been +in the woods somewhere, where nobody could have heard him, he would have +used language. They all seemed mad at each other. The hired girl told Ma +there was three tramps out on the sidewalk fighting Pa, and Ma she took +the broom and started to help Pa, and I tried to stop Ma, 'cause her +constitution is not very strong and I didn't want her to do any flying +trapeze business, but I couldn't stop her, and she went out with the broom +and a towel tied around her head. Well, I don't know where Ma did strike, +but when she came in she said she had palpitation of the heart, but that +was not the place where she put the arnica. O, but she _did_ go through +the air like a bullet through cheese, and when she went down the steps +a-bumpity-bump, I felt sorry for Ma. The minister had got so he could set +up on the sidewalk, with his back against the lower step, when Ma came +sliding down, and one of the heels of her gaiters hit the minister in the +hair, and the other foot went right through between his arm and his side, +and the broom liked to pushed his teeth down his throat. But he was not +mad at Ma. As soon as he see it was Ma he said, 'Why, sister, the wicked +stand in slippery places, don't they?' and Ma she was mad and said for him +to let go her stocking, and then Pa was mad and he said, 'look-a-here you +sky-pilot, this thing has gone far enough,' and then a policeman +came along and first he thought they were all drunk, but he found they +were respectable, and he got a chip and scraped the soap off of them, and +they went home, and Pa and Ma they got in the house some way, and just +then the letter-carrier came along, but he didn't have any letters for us, +and he didn't come onto the steps, and then I went up stairs and I said, +'Pa, don't you think it is real mean, after you and I fixed the soap on +the steps for the letter-carrier, he didn't come on the step at all,' and +Pa was scraping the soap off his pants with a piece of shingle, and the +hired girl was putting liniment on Ma, and heating it in for palpitation +of the heart, and Pa said, 'You dam idjut, no more of this, or I'll maul +the liver out of you,' and I asked him if he didn't think soft soap would +help a moustache to grow, and he picked up Ma's work-basket and threw it +at my head, as I went down stairs, and I came over here. Don't you think +my Pa is unreasonable to get mad at a little joke that he planned +himself?" + +The grocery man said he didn't know, and the boy went out with a pair of +skates over his shoulder, and the grocery man is wondering what joke the +boy will play on him to get even for the cayenne pepper. + + +GATHERED WAISTS! + +Andrews' _Bazar_ says: "Gathered waists are very much worn." If the men +would gather the waists carefully they would not be worn so much. Some men +go to work gathering a waist just as they would go to work washing sheep, +or raking and binding. They ought to gather as though it was eggs done up +in a funnel-shaped brown paper at a grocery. + + +CHURCH KENO. + +While the most of our traveling men, our commercial tourists, are nice +Christian gentlemen, there is occasionally one that is as full of the old +Nick as an egg at this time of year is full of malaria. There was one of +them stopped at a country town a few nights ago where there was a church +fair. He is a blonde, good-natured looking, serious talking chap, and +having stopped at that town every month for a dozen years, everybody knows +him. He always chips in towards a collection, a wake or a rooster fight, +and the town swears by him. + +He attended the fair and a jolly little sister of the church, a married +lady, took him by the hand and led him through green fields, where the +girls sold him ten-cent chances in saw dust dolls, and beside still +waters, where a girl sold him sweetened water with a sour stomach, for +lemonade, from Rebecca's well. The sister finally stood beside him while +the deacon was reading off numbers. They were drawing a quilt, and as the +numbers were drawn all were anxious to know who drew it. Finally, after +several numbers were drawn it was announced by the deacon that number +nineteen drew the quilt and the little sister turned to the traveling man +and said, "My! that is my number. I have drawn it. What shall I do?" "Hold +up your ticket and shout keno," said he. + +The little deaconess did not stop to think that there might be guile +lurking in the traveling man, but being full of joy at drawing the quilt, +and ice cream because the traveling man bought it, she rushed into the +crowd towards the deacon, holding her number, and shouted so they could +hear it all over the house, "_Keno!_" + +[Illustration: "KENO!" ] + +If a bank had burst in the building there couldn't have been so much +astonishment. The deacon turned pale and looked at the poor little sister +as though she had fallen from grace, and all the church people +looked sadly at her, while the worldly minded people snickered. The little +woman saw that she had got her foot into something, and she blushed and +backed out, and asked the traveling man what "keno" meant. He said he +didn't know exactly, but he had always seen people, when they won anything +at that game, yell "keno." She isn't exactly clear yet what "keno" is, but +she says she has sworn off taking advice from pious looking traveling men. +They call her "Little Keno" now. + + +THE OLD SWEET SONGS. + +A Boston girl sings: "What is home without a mother," while the old lady +is mending her daughter's stockings. There is something sweet about those +old songs. + + +FAILURE OF A SOLID INSTITUTION. + +We are astonished to see that a Boston dealer in canned goods has failed. +If there is one branch of business that ought to be solid it is that of +canning fruits and things, for there must be the almightiest profit on it +that there is on anything. It must be remembered that the stuff is canned +when it is not salable in its natural state. + +If the canners took tomatoes, for instance, when they first came around, +at half a dollar for six, and canned them, there would be some excuse for +charging twenty-five cents for a tin thing full, but they wait until the +vines are so full of tomatoes that the producer will pay the cartage if +you will haul them away, and then the tomatoes are dipped into hot water +so the skin will drop off and they are chucked into cans that cost two +cents each, and you pay two shillings for them, when you get hungry for +tomatoes. The same way with peas, and peaches, and everything. + +Did you ever try to eat canned peas? They are always old back numbers that +are as hard and tasteless as chips, and are canned after they have been +dried for seed. We bought a can of peas once for two shillings and +couldn't crack them with a nut cracker. But they were not a dead loss, as +we used them the next fall for buck shot. Actually, we shot a coon with a +charge of those peas, and he came down and struck the water, and died of +the cholera morbus the next day. + +Talk of canned peaches; in the course of a brilliant career of forty years +we have never seen only six cans of peaches that were worth the powder to +blast them open. A man that will invent a can opener that will split open +one of these pale, sickly, hard hearted canned peaches, that swim around +in a pint of slippery elm juice in a tin can, has got a fortune. +And they have got to canning pumpkin, and charging money for it. + +Why, for a dollar, a canning firm can buy pumpkins enough to fill all the +tin cans that they can make in a year, and yet they charge a fellow twenty +cents for a can of pumpkin, and then the canning establishment fails. It +must be that some raw pumpkin has soured on the hands of the Boston firm, +or may be, and now we thing we are on the right track to ferret out the +failure, it may be that the canning of Boston baked beans is what caused +the stoppage. + +We had read of Boston baked beans since school days, and had never seen +any till four years ago, when we went to a picnic and bought a can to take +along. We knew how baked beans ought to be cooked from years of +experience, but supposed the Boston bean must hold over every other bean, +so when the can was opened and we found that every bean was separate from +every other bean, and seemed to be out on its own recognizance, and that +they were as hard as a flint, we gave them to the children to play marbles +with, and soured on Boston baked beans. Probably it was canning Boston +beans that broke up the canning establishment. + + +REGISTRY OF ELECTORS. + +The registry law has proved a conspicuous failure, inasmuch as it has +taken ten years of persistent efforts by its use to make a change in the +admistration. I would suggest that you amend the registry law by providing +that all qualified voters have their ears punched, immediately after +voting, by the inspectors of elections, the same as conductors punch +tickets. This method will obviate the difficulties heretofore experienced, +and check illegal voting and prevent repeating. + + +ABOUT HELL. + +An item is going the rounds of the papers, to illustrate how large the sun +is, and how hot it is, which asserts that if an icicle a million miles +long, and a hundred thousand miles through, should be thrust into one of +the burning cavities of the sun, it would be melted in the hundredth part +of a second, and that it would not cause as much "sissing" as a drop of +water on a hot griddle. + +By this comparison we can realize that the sun is a big thing, and we can +form some idea of what kind of a place it would be to pass the summer +months. In contemplating the terrible heat of the sun, we are led to +wonder why those whose duty it is to preach a hell, hereafter, have not +argued that the sun is the place where sinners will go to when they die. + +It is not our desire to inaugurate any reform in religious matters, but we +realize what a discouraging thing it must be for preachers to preach hell +and have nothing to show for it. As the business is now done, they are +compelled to draw upon their imagination for a place of endless +punishment, and a great many people, who would be frightened out of their +boots if the minister could show them hell as he sees it, look upon his +talk as a sort of dime novel romance. + +They want something tangible on which they can base their belief, and +while the ministers do everything in their power to encourage sinners by +picturing to them the lake of fire and brimstone, where boat-riding is out +of the question unless you paddle around in a cauldron kettle, it seems as +though their labors would be lightened if they could point to the sun, on +a hot day in August, and say to the wicked man that unless he gets down on +his knees and says his "Now I lay me," and repents and is sprinkled, and +chips in pretty flush towards the running expenses of the church, +and stands his assessments like a thoroughbred, that he will wake up some +morning, and find himself in the sun, blistered from Genesis to +Revelations, thirsty as a harvest hand and not a brewery within a million +miles, begging for a zinc ulster to cool his parched hind legs. + +Such an argument, with an illustration right on the blackboard of the sky, +in plain sight, would strike terror to the sinner, and he would want to +come into the fold _too_ quick. What the religion of this country wants, +to make it take the cake, is a hell that the wayfaring man, though a +Democrat or a Greenbacker, can see with the naked eye. The way it is now, +the sinner, if he wants to find out anything about the hereafter, has to +take it second handed, from some minister or deacon who has not seen it +himself, but has got his idea of it from some other fellow who maybe +dreamed it out. + +Some deacon tells a sinner all about the orthodox hell, and the sinner +does not know whether to believe him or not. The deacon may have lied to +the sinner some time in a horse trade, or in selling him goods, and beat +him, and how does he know but the same deacon is playing a brace game on +him on the hereafter, or playing him for a sardine. + +Now, if the people who advance these ideas of heaven or hell, had a +license to point to the moon, the nice, cool moon, as heaven, which would +be plausible, to say the least, and say that it was heaven, and prove it, +and could prove that the sun was the other place, which looks reasonable, +according to all we have heard about 'tother place, the moon would be so +full there would not be standing room, and they would have to turn +Republicans away, while the sun would be playing to empty benches, and +there would only be a few editors there who got in on passes. + +Of course, during a cold winter, when the thermometer was forty +or fifty degrees below zero, and everybody was blocked in, and coal was up +to seventeen dollars a ton, the cause of religion would not prosper as +much as it would in summer, because when you talked to a sinner about +leading a different life or he would go to the sun, he would look at his +coal pile and say that he didn't care a continental how soon he got there, +but these discouragements would not be any greater than some that the +truly good people have to contend with now, and the average the year round +would be largely in favor of going to the moon. + +The moon is very popular now, even, and if it is properly advertised as a +celestial paradise, where only good people could get their work in, and +where the wicked could not enter on any terms, there would be a great +desire to take the straight and narrow way to the moon, and the path to +the wicked sun would be grown over with sand burs, and scorched with lava, +and few would care to take passage by that route. Anyway, this thing is +worth looking into. + + +PREPARING FOR WAR. + +The _Sun_ is no alarmist, but it can see in recent events what it believes +to be a preparation for war. All of the manufactories of fire arms and +cartridges are working night and day, and the Oneida community have just +received an order to immediately can 24,000 cans of baked beans. When the +war will break out we do not know, but all this fixed amunition is not +being fixed for no 4th of July. It is trouble. + + +A TONY SLAUGHTER HOUSE. + +A Milwaukee paper copies what THE SUN said about killing hogs while under +the influence of chloroform, at Keine & Wilson's packing house, and +intimates that it is all a lie. Have we lived to this age to have our word +doubted by a Milwaukee editor? This is too much. Why, bless the dear man, +the half has not been told. The firm we speak of is desirous of building +up a trade for gilt edged pork and hams, so every improvement known to the +trade is inaugurated. We did not think it necessary to describe the whole +process, but now that our word is doubted, it is necessary to do so. When +the late lamented hog is transferred from the parlor where he was +chloroformed, his body is gently, yet firmly placed in a gold lined tank, +filled with boiling Florida water and cologne, where the body remains +until the bristles become loose, when it is transferred to a table covered +with purple velvet, and the bristles are removed by the gentlemanly +ushers, dressed in the fashions of the time of George III, armed with gold +candle sticks, studded with diamonds. Then the body is taken by easy +stages, into the presence of the intestine transporter, who reclines upon +a downy couch. He raises up, brushes a particle of dust from his sleeve, +and with a silver knife cuts the hog from Dan to Beersheba, and the patent +insides are received on a silver salver, and divided among attendant +maidens. The inside of the hog is washed with bay rum, and sweet majorum +is put in. Then the hog is removed and cut up. The portions salted are +salted for keeps, and the hams and bacon are smoked in a room filled with +incense, and when the smoked meat comes out it is good enough for a king, +or a queen, or a Milwaukee editor. Lie, indeed! We should like to see +ourselves lying for one hog. + + +AN ARM THAT IS NOT RELIABLE. + +A young fellow about nineteen, who is going with his first girl, and who +lives on the West Side, has got the symptoms awfully. He just thinks of +nothing else but his girl, and when he can be with her,--which is seldom, +on account of the old folks.--he is there, and when he cannot be there, he +is there or thereabouts, in his mind. He had been trying for three months +to think of something to give his girl for a Christmas present, but he +couldn't make up his mind what article would cause her to think of him the +most, so the day before Christmas he unbosomed himself to his employer, +and asked his advice as to the proper article to give. The old man is +bald-headed and mean. "You want to give her something that will be a +constant reminder of you?" "Yes," he said, "that was what was the matter." +"Does she have any corns?" asked the old wretch. The boy said he had never +inquired into the condition of her feet, and wanted to know what corns had +to do with it. The old man said that if she had corns, a pair of shoes +about two sizes too small would cause her mind to dwell on him a good +deal. The boy said shoes wouldn't do. The old man hesitated a moment, +scratched his head, and finally said: + +"I have it! I suppose, sir, when you are alone with her, in the parlor, +you put your arm around her waist; do you not, sir?" + +The young man blushed, and said that was about the size of it. + +"I presume she enjoys that part of the discourse, eh?" + +The boy said that, as near as he could tell, by the way she acted, she was +not opposed to being held up. + +"Then, sir, I can tell you of an article that will make her think of you +in that position all the time, from the moment she gets up in the morning +till she retires." + +"Is there any attachment to it that will make her dream of me all +night?" asked the boy. + +"No, sir! Don't be a hog," said the bad man. + +"Then what is it?" + +The old man said one word, "Corset!" + +The young man was delighted, and he went to a store to buy a nice corset. + +"What size do you want?" asked the girl who waited on him. + +That was a puzzler. He didn't know they came in sizes. He was about to +tell her to pick out the smallest size, when he happened to think of +something. + +"Take a tape measure and measure my arm; that will just fit." + +The girl looked wise as though she had been there herself, found that it +was a twenty-two inch corset the boy wanted, and he went home and wrote a +note and sent it with the corset to the girl. He didn't hear anything +about it till the following Sunday, when he called on her. She received +him coldly, and handed him the corset, saying, with a tear in her eye, +that she had never expected to be insulted by him. He told her he had no +intention of insulting her; that he could think of nothing that would +cause her to think of the gentle pressure of his arm around her waist but +a corset, but if she felt insulted he would take his leave, give +the corset to some poor family, and go drown himself. + +He was about to go away, when she burst out crying, and sobbed out the +following words, wet with salt brine. + +"It was v-v-v-very thoughtful of y-y-you, but I _couldn't feel it_! It is +f-f-four sizes too b-b-big! Why didn't you get number eight? You are +silent, you cannot answer, enough?" + +[Illustration: "IT IS F-F-FOUR SIZES TOO B-B-BIG."] + +They instinctively found their way to the sofa; mutual explanation +followed; he measured her waist again; saw where he had made a mistake by +his fingers lapping over on the first turn, and he vowed, by the beard of +the prophet, he would change it for another, if she had not worn it and +got it soiled. They are better now. + + +THE BOY AND THE GOAT. + +A man on King Street gave a boy a goat the other day, and he tied a rope +around its neck to lead it home. The boy wanted to go through the gate, +but as the goat concluded to jump over the fence and pull the boy through +between the pickets, he let the goat have its own way. The boy got through +the fence in instalments, leaving his shirt collar and one pants leg on +the pickets, the goat dragged him out into the middle of the street, and +then there occurred a sanguinary encounter to see whether the boy or the +goat should boss the moving. At one time the spectators thought the goat +would take the boy home. The animal used the boy for a cultivator, and +they tore up the street like hands working on the road, till the goat +slipped the rope over his head, and then the boy gathered himself up by +the armful, and went and told his mother that he got his rope back anyway. +She combed him with a piece of barrel. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA GETS MAD! + +"I was down to the drug store this morning and saw your Ma buying a lot of +court-plaster, enough to make a shirt I should think. What's she doing +with so much court-plaster?" asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he +came in and pulled off his boots by the stove and emptied out a lot of +snow that had collected as he walked through a drift, which melted and +made a bad smell. + +"O, I guess she was going to patch Pa up so he will hold water. Pa's +temper got him into the worst muss you ever see, last night. If that +museum was here now they would hire Pa and exhibit him as the tattooed +man. I tell you, I have got too old to be mauled as though I was a kid, +and any man who attacks me from this out, wants to have his peace made +with the insurance companies, and know that his calling and election is +sure, because I am a bad man and don't you forget it." And the boy pulled +on his boots and looked so cross and desperate that the grocer-man asked +him if he wouldn't try a little new cider. + +"Good heavens!" said the grocery man, as the boy swallowed the cider, and +his face resumed its natural look, and the piratical frown disappeared +with the cider. "You have not stabbed your father have you? I have feared +that one thing would bring on another, with you, and that you would yet be +hung." + +"Naw, I haven't stabbed him. It was another cat that stabbed him. You see, +Pa wants me to do all the work around the house. The other day he bought a +load of kindling wood, and told me to carry it into the basement. I had +not been educated up to kindling wood, and I didn't do it. When supper +time came, and Pa found that I had not carried in the kindling wood, he +had a hot box, and told me if that wood was not in when he came +back from the lodge, that he would warm my jacket. Well, I tried to hire +some one to carry it in, and got a man to promise to come in the morning +and carry it in and take his pay in groceries, and I was going to buy the +groceries here and have them charged to Pa. But that wouldn't help me out +that night. I knew when Pa came home he would search for me. So I slept in +the back hall on a cot. But I didn't want Pa to have all his trouble for +nothing, so I borrowed an old torn cat that my chum's old maid aunt owns, +and put the cat in my bed. I thought if Pa came into my room after me, and +found that by his unkindness I had changed to a torn cat, he would be +sorry. That is the biggest cat you ever see, and the worst fighter in our +ward. It isn't afraid of anything, and can whip a New Foundland dog +quicker than you could put sand in a barrel of sugar. Well, about eleven +o'clock I heard Pa tumbing over the kindling wood, and I knew by the +remark he made as the wood slid around under him, that there was going to +be a cat fight real quick. He came up to Ma's room, and sounded Ma as to +whether Hennery had retired to his virtuous couch. Pa is awful sarcastic +when he tries to be. I could hear him take off his clothes, and hear him +say, as he picked up a trunk strap, 'I guess I will go up to his room and +watch the smile on his face, as he dreams of angels. I yearn to press him +to my aching bosom.' I thought to myself, mebbe you won't yearn so much +directly. He come up stairs, and I could hear him breathing hard. I looked +around the corner and could see he just had on his shirt and pants, and +his suspenders were hanging down, and his bald head shown like a calcium +light just before it explodes. Pa went into my room, and up to the bed, +and I could hear him say, 'Come out here and bring in that kindling wood +or I will start a fire on your base burner with this strap.' And then +there was a yowling such as I never heard before, and Pa said, +'Helen Blazes,' and the furniture in my room began to fall around and +break. O, _my_! I think Pa took the torn cat right by the neck, the way he +does me, and that left the cat's feet free to get in their work. By the +way the cat squawled as though it was being choked I know Pa had him by +the neck. I suppose the cat thought Pa was a whole flock of New Foundland +dogs, and the cat had a record on dogs, and it kicked awful. Pa's shirt +was no protection at all in a cat fight, and the cat just walked all +around Pa's stomach, and Pa yelled 'police,' and 'fire,' and 'turn on the +hose,' and he called Ma, and the cat yowled. If Pa had had presence of +mind enough to have dropped the cat, or rolled it up in the mattrass, it +would have been all right, but a man always gets rattled in time of +danger, and he held on to the cat and started down stairs yelling murder, +and he met Ma coming up. + +"I guess Ma's night cap or something frightened the cat more, cause he +stabbed Ma on the night-shirt with one hind foot, and Ma said 'mercy on +us,' and she went back, and Pa stumbled on a hand-sled that was on the +stairs, and they all fell down, and the cat got away and went down in the +coal bin and yowled all night. Pa and Ma went into their room, and I guess +they annointed themselves with vasaline, and Pond's extract, and I went +and got into my bed, cause it was cold out in the hall, and the cat had +warmed my bed as well as it had warmed Pa. It was all I could do to go to +sleep, with Pa and Ma talking all night, and this morning I came down the +back stairs, and haven't been to breakfast, cause I don't want to see Pa +when he is vexed. You let the man that carries in the kindling wood have +six shillings worth of groceries, and charge them to Pa. I have passed the +kindling wood period in a boy's life, and have arrived at the coal period. +I will carry in coal, but I draw the line at kindling wood." + +"Well, you are a cruel, bad boy," said the grocery man, as he +went to the book and charged the six shillings. + +"O, I don't know. I think Pa is cruel. A man who will take a poor kitty by +the neck, that hasn't done any harm, and tries to chastise the poor thing +with a trunk strap, ought to be looked after by the humane society. And if +it is cruel to take a cat by the neck, how much more cruel is it to take a +boy by the neck, that had diphtheria only a few years ago, and whose +throat is tender? Say, I guess I will accept your invitation to take +breakfast with you," and the boy cut off a piece of bologna and helped +himself to the crackers, and while the grocery man was out shoveling off +the snow from the sidewalk, the boy filled his pockets with raisins and +loaf sugar, and then went out to watch the man carry in his kindling wood. + + +SPURIOUS TRIPE. + +Another thing that is being largely counterfeited is tripe. Parties who +buy tripe cannot be too careful. There is a manufactory that can make +tripe so natural that no person on earth can detect the deception. They +take a large sheet of rubber about a sixteenth of an inch thick for a +background, and by a process only known to themselves veneer it with a +Turkish towel, and put it in brine to soak. The unsuspecting boarding +house keeper, or restaurant man buys it and cooks it, and the boarder or +transient guest calls for tripe. A piece is cut off the damnable tripe +with a pair of shears used in a tin shop for cutting sheet iron, and it is +handed to the victim. He tries to cut it, and fails; he tries to gnaw it +off, and if he succeeds in getting a mouthful, that settles him. He leaves +his tripe on his plate, and it is gathered up and sewed on the original +piece, and is kept for another banquet. + + +"CASH." + +On circus day W.H.H. Cash, the great railroad monopolist of New Lisbon, +was in the city. He had just made a few hundred thousand dollars on a +railroad contract, and he decided to expend large sums of money in buying +dry goods. He went into one of our stores and was passing along up the +floor, when a black-eyed girl with a dimple in her chin, pearly teeth, red +pouting lips, who was behind the counter, shouted, "_cash, here!_" Mr. +Cash turned to her, a smile illuminating his face as big as a horse +collar. He is one of the most modest men in the world, and as he extended +his great big horny hand to the girl, a blush covered his face, and the +perspiration stood in great beads on his forehead. "How do yeu dew?" said +Cash, as she seemed to shrink back in a frightened manner. They gazed at +each other a moment, in astonishment, when another girl, perhaps a little +better looking, further on, said, "Here, Cash, quick!" He at once made up +his mind that she was the one that had spoken to him the first time, so he +said, "Beg your pardon, miss," to the black-eyed girl, and went on to +where the other girl was wrapping up a corset in a base ball undershirt. +As he approached her she smiled, supposing he wanted to buy something. He +thought she knew him, and he sat down on a stool and put out his hand and +said, "How have you been?" She didn't seem to shake very much, but asked +him if there was anything she could show him. He thought may be it was +against the rules for the clerks to speak to anybody, unless they were +buying something, so he said, "Yes, of course. Show me corsets, stockings, +anything, gaul dumbed if I care what." She was just beginning to look upon +him as though she thought he had escaped, when a little blonde on the +other side of the store, as sweet as honey, shouted, "Cash, Cash, I need +thee every hour. Come a running." To say that Cash was astonished, is +drawing it mild. He knew that they all wanted him, but he couldn't make +out how they seemed to know his name. He looked at the little blonde a +minute, trying to think where he had met her, when he decided to go over +and ask her. On the way over he thought she resembled a girl that used to +live in Portage. He went up to her, and with a smile that was childlike +and bland, he said, "Why, how are you, Samantha?" The little blonde looked +daggers at him. "Didn't you use to wait on tables there at the Fox House, +at Portage?" The girl picked up a roll of paper cambric, and was about to +brain him, when the floor walker came along, and asked what was the +matter. Cash explained that since he came into the store, three or four +girls had yelled to him, and he couldn't place them. "There," says he, as +another girl yelled "Cash," "there's another of 'em wants me," and he was +going to where she was, when the floor walker asked him if his name was +Cash. "You bet your liver it is," said Cash. It was then explained to him +that the girls were calling cash boys. He thought it over a minute and +said, "Sold, by the great baldheaded Elijah. Won't you go down and take +something? Invite all of them. The girls can take soda. I'll be gaul +blasted if I ever had such a rig played on me." And he went out into the +glare of the sunlight, with his hat pulled down over his eyes, and just +then the circus procession came along, and he followed off the elephants. +There are lots of worse men than Cash. + + +TO WHAT VILE USES MAY WE COME. + +A dispatch from Chicago, says that three men were shot on "a boat used for +the vilest purposes." We never knew that the newspapers were printed on +boats there in Chicago. + + +THE ADVENT PREACHER AND THE BALLOON. + +There occasionally occurs an accident in this world that will make a +person laugh though the laughing may border on the sacrilegious. For +instance, there is not a Christian but will smile at the ignorance of the +Advent preacher up in Jackson county who, when he saw the balloon of King, +the balloonist, going through the air, thought it was the second coming of +Christ, and got down on his knees and shouted to King, who was throwing +out a sand bag, while his companion was opening a bottle of export beer, +"O, Jesus, do not pass me by." + +[Illustration: "DO NOT PASS ME BY!"] + +And yet it is wrong to laugh at the poor man, who took an advertising +agent for a Chicago clothing store for the Savior, who he supposed was +making his second farewell tour. The minister had been preaching the +second coming of Christ until he looked for him every minute. He would +have been as apt to think, living as he did in the back woods, that a +fellow riding a bicycle, with his hair and legs parted in the middle, +along the country road, was the object of his search. + +We should pity the poor man for his ignorance, we who believe that when +Christ _does_ come he will come in the old-fashioned way, and not in a +palace car, or straddle of the basket of a balloon. But we can't help +wondering what the Adventist must have thought, when he appealed to his +Savior, as he supposed, and the balloonist shied a sand bag at him and the +other fellow in the basket threw out a beer bottle and asked, "Where in +---- are we?" + +The Adventist must have thought that the Savior of mankind was traveling +in mighty queer company, or that he had taken the other fellow along as a +frightful example. And what could the Adventist have thought when he saw a +message thrown out of the balloon, and went with trembling limbs and +beating heart to pick it up, believing that it was a command from on high +to sinners, and found that it was nothing but a hand bill for a Chicago +hand-me-down clothing store. + +He must have come to the conclusion that the Son of Man had got pretty low +down to take a job of bill posting for a reversible ulster and paper +collar bazar. It must have been food for reflection for the Advent +preacher, as he picked up the empty beer bottle, shied at him from the +chariot that he supposed carried to earth the Redeemer of man. He must +have wondered if some Milwaukee brewer had not gone to heaven and opened a +brewery. + +Of course we who are intelligent, and would know a balloon if we saw it, +would not have had any such thoughts, but we must remember that this poor +Advent preacher thought that the day had come that had been promised so +long, and that Christ was going to make a landing in a strong Republican +county. We may laugh at the Adventist's disappointment that the balloon +did not tie up to a stump and take him on board, but it was a +serious matter to him. + +He had been waiting for the wagon, full of hope, and when it came, and he +saw the helmet on King's head and thought it was a crown of glory, his +heart beat with joy, and he plead in piteous accents not to be passed by, +and the confounded gas bag went on and landed in a cranberry marsh, and +the poor, foolish, weak, short-sighted man had to get in his work mighty +lively to dodge the sand bags, beer bottles, and rolls of clothing store +posters. + +The Adventist would have been justified in renouncing his religion and +joining the Democratic party. It is sad, indeed. + + +MR. PECK'S SUNDAY LECTURE. + +The papers all around here are saying that I have a new Sunday Lecture, +with a bad title. The way of it was this. A man in a neighboring city +telegraphed me to know if I would deliver a "Sunday Lecture," and telling +me to choose my subject, and answer by telegraph. I thought it was some +joke of the boys. The idea of me delivering a Sunday lecture was +ridiculous, so, in a moment of thoughtlessness I telegraphed back, "What +in the d---- do you take me for?" I supposed that that would be enough to +inform the man that I was not in the business. What do you suppose he did? +He telegraphed back to me as follows: "All right. We have advertised you +for Sunday. Subject, 'What the d---- do you take me for.'" You can judge +something of my surprise and indignation. + +That is how it was. + + +RELIGION AND FISH. + +Newspaper reports of the proceedings of the Sunday School Association +encamped on Lake Monona, at Madison, give about as many particulars of big +catches of fish as of sinners. The delegates divide their time catching +sinners on spoon-hooks and bringing pickerel to repentance. Some of the +good men hurry up their prayers, and while the "Amen" is leaving their +lips they snatch a fish-pole in one hand and a baking-powder box full of +angle worms in the other, and light out for the Beautiful Beyond, where +the rock bass turn up sideways, and the wicked cease from troubling. + +Discussions on how to bring up children in the the way they should go are +broken into by a deacon with his nose peeled coining up the bank with a +string of perch in one hand, a broken fish-pole in the other, and a pair +of dropsical pantaloons dripping dirty water into his shoes. + +It is said to be a beautiful sight to see a truly good man offering up +supplications from under a wide-brimmed fishing hat, and as he talks of +the worm that never, or hardly ever dies, red angle worms that have dug +out of the piece of paper in which they were rolled up are crawling out of +his vest pocket. The good brothers compare notes of good places to do +missionary work, where sinners are so thick you can knock them down with a +club, and then they get boats and row to some place on the lake where a +local liar has told them the fish are just sitting around on their +haunches waiting for some one to throw in a hook. + +This mixing religion with fishing for black bass and pickerel is a good +thing for religion, and not a bad thing for the fish. Let these Christian +statesmen get "mashed" on the sport of catching fish, and they will have +more charity for the poor man who, after working hard twelve hours a day +for six days, goes out on a lake Sunday and soaks a worm in the +water and appeases the appetite of a few of God's hungry pike, and gets +dinner for himself in the bargain. While arguing that it is wrong to fish +on Sunday, they will be brought right close to the fish, and can see +better than before, that if a poor man is rowing a boat across a lake on +Sunday, and his hook hangs over the stern, with a piece of liver on, and a +fish that nature has made hungry tries to steal his line and pole and +liver, it is a duty he owes to society to take that fish by the gills, put +it in the boat and reason with it, and try to show it that in leaving its +devotions on a Sunday and snapping at a poor man's only hook, it was +setting a bad example. + +These Sunday school people will have a nice time, and do a great amount of +good, if the fish continue to bite, and they can go home with their hearts +full of the grace of God, their stomachs full of fish, their teeth full of +bones; and if they fall out of the boats, and their suspenders hold out, +they may catch a basin full of eels in the basement of their pantaloons. +But we trust they will not try to compete with the local sports in telling +fish stories. That would break up a whole Sunday school system. + + +THE POLITICAL OUTLOOK. + +When you see an article in the editorial columns of a paper headed, "The +Political Outlook," look at the bottom line, and if it says "sold by all +druggists," don't read it. There is such an article going the rounds, +which is an advertisement of a patent medicine. It is a counterfeit well +calculated to deceive. Don't read a political article unless the owner's +name is blown in the bottle. + + +ROPE LADDERS. + +The law to compel hotel keepers to provide rope ladders for every room +above the second floor, is said not to be enforced, though it should be by +all means. The law ought to be amended so as to compel guests to get up +once or twice during the night and run up or down the rope ladder, outside +the window, in their night clothes, so as to be in practice in case of +fire. When every room is provided with rope ladders there will be lots of +fun. Those men who invariably blow out the gas, will probably think they +have got to come down stairs on the rope ladder in the morning, and it +will take an extra clerk to stand in the alleys around a hotel, with a +shot gun, to keep impecunious guests from going away from the tavern via +rope ladder. And then imagine an Oshkosh man in a Milwaukee hotel, his +head full of big schemes, and his skin full of beer. He has been on a +"bum," and is nervous, and on being shown to his room he sees the rope +ladder coiled up under the window, ready to spring upon him. He stares at +it, and the cold sweat stands all over him. The rope ladder returns his +gaze, and seems to move and to crawl towards his feet. For a moment he is +powerless to move. His hair stands on end, his heart ceases to beat, cold +and warm chills follow each other down his trousers legs and he clutches +at the air, his eyes start from their sockets, and just as the rope ladder +is about to wind around him, and crush his life out, he regains strength +enough to rush down stairs head over appetite, and tell the clerk about +the menagerie up stairs. O, there is going to be fun with these rope +ladders, sure. + + +A DOCTOR OF LAWS. + +A doctor at Ashland is also a Justice of the Peace, and when he is called +to visit a house he don't know whether he is to physic or to marry. +Several times he has been called out in the night, to the country, and he +supposed some one must be awful sick, and he took a cart load of +medicines, only to find somebody wanted marrying. He has been fooled so +much that when he is called out now he carries a pill-bag and a copy of +the statutes, and tells them to take their choice. + +He was called to one house and found a girl who seemed feverish. She was +sitting up in a chair, dressed nicely, but he saw at once that the fatal +flush was on her cheek, and her eyes looked peculiar. He felt of her +pulse, and it was beating at the rate of two hundred a minute. He asked +her to run out her tongue, and she run out eight or nine inches of the +lower end of it. It was covered with a black coating, and he shook his +head and looked sad. She had never been married any before, and supposed +that it was necessary for a Justice who was going to marry a couple to +know all about their physical condition, so she kept quiet and answered +questions. + +She did not tell him that she had been eating huckleberry pie, so he laid +the coating on her tongue to some disease that was undermining her +constitution. He put his ear on her chest and listened to the beating of +her heart, and shook his head again. He asked her if she had been exposed +to any contagious disease. She didn't know what a contagious disease was, +but on the hypothesis that he had reference to sparking, she blushed and +said she had, but only two evenings, because John had only just got back +from the woods where he had been chopping, and she had to sit up with him. + +The doctor got out his pill bags and made some quinine powders, and gave +her some medicine in two tumblers, to be taken alternately, and +told her to soak her feet and go to bed, and put a hot mustard plaster on +her chest, and some onions around her neck. + +She was mad, and flared right up, and said she wasn't very well posted, +and lived in the country, but if she knew her own heart she would not play +such a trick as that on a new husband. + +The doctor got mad, and asked her if she thought he didn't understand his +business; and he was about to go and let her die, when the bridegroom came +in and told him to go ahead with the marrying. The doc. said that altered +the case. He said next time he came he should know what to bring, and then +she blushed, and told him he was an old fool anyway, but he pronounced +them man and wife, and said the prescription would be five dollars, the +same as though there had been somebody sick. + +But the doc. had cheek. Just as he was leaving he asked the bridegroom if +he didn't want to ride up to Ashland with him, it was only eighteen miles, +and the ride would be lonesome, but the bride said not if the court knew +herself, and the bridegroom said now he was there he guessed he would +stay. He said he didn't care much about going to Ashland anyway. + + +COMFORTING COMPENSATIONS. + +If a farmer's wheat is killed by rain, he is consoled by the fact that +rain is just what his corn needs. If his cattle die of disease, his +consolation lies in the hope that pork will bring a good price. If boys +steal his watermelons, he knows by experience that they will have the +cholera morbus. So everything that is unpleasant has its compensation. + + +LAY UP APPLES IN HEAVEN. + +[Illustration: NO MORE APPLES FOR THE MINISTER.] + +They tell a good story at Portage City, at the expense of Senator Barden, +or a minister, we don't know which. Barden had a lot of apples sent him +last fall, and he was anxious to sell them, before winter set in. One day +he thought of a new minister that had settled in Portage, so he made up +his mind to take him up a couple of barrels, supposing that when he went +to heaven and saw the big ledger opened, there would be a credit about as +follows: + + L.W. BARDEN, + in acc't with Providence, + + 1876. + Oct. 21. By two bbls. apples, @ $3 $6.00 + " " " drayage .30 + ----- + Total $6.30 + +Barden loaded them on a dray, and got on it, with his pants in +his boots, and went up to deliver them himself. He stopped at the +minister's gate, and hurried the apples off and rolled them inside the +gate, and tried to get away before the minister had time to thank him. +Just as he was about to drive away the door opened and the man of God came +out, and says he: + +"Look here! You put them apples in the cellar!" + +Barden told him he was in something of a hurry, and really he could not +spare the time. The minister raised his voice to a sort of "auction +pitch," and said: + +"Here, now. You don't know your business, Mr. Drayman. You roll them +apples into the cellar, or I won't accept them." + +The senator was by this time as mad as senators usually get. He jumped off +the dray, threw the two barrels of apples on, and drove off, saying he +didn't care a continental dam if the minister eat dried apples all winter. +And he took them back to his store, and it is safe to say that he will not +give many more apples to that minister. + +MORAL:--Never despise a man because he wears a ragged coat, for he may be +a senatorial granger angel in the disguise of a drayman. And you may have +to fill up on turnips instead of apples. + + +ONE OF BEECHER'S CONVERTS. + +Since Beecher, the great revivalist, was here, and spoke so eloquently on +the fall of man, and the need of making arrangements for the future, I +have become a changed man. It hurts me to lie now, and when anything +hurts, then I quit. It is wrong to lie, and a man who follows it up will +come to some bad end. + + +BUYING A STONE CRUSHER. + +The proceedings of the council of the city of Milwaukee shows that the +aldermen are about to buy a stone crusher, to be run by steam, for the +purpose of crushing stones to be used on the streets. If the city has +never indulged in the luxury of a stone crusher, it should interview some +city that has owned one, before it closes a contract with any party that +wants to sell one. Every party that owns one does want to sell it. +Statistics show that. The first city in Wisconsin that bought one was +Madison. The city owned it for a year or two, and after that no man that +was in the council when it was bought could ever get in it again. The +mayor that winked at the purchase of the stone crusher was defeated, and +there was trouble. No person would ever say what was the matter, but you +say "stone crusher" to a citizen of Madison, and he would reach his right +hand around to his pistol pocket, and the conversation would cease. + +La Crosse heard that Madison had a stone crusher, and so she wanted one. +La Crosse is bound to have anything that any other town has, whether it is +a railroad, an insane asylum, or a speckled hen. La Crosse could have +bought Madison's stone crusher at a discount, but she wanted one new, with +the paint all on, fresh. Second-hand stone crusher? Not any for La Crosse. +So the city ordered a brand new one, right from the mint, at an expense of +about $5,000. + +The idea was that it would be about as big as a straw cutter, or a job +press, and people were anxious to see it work. + +Finally the city was notified that one train of cars loaded with the stone +crusher had arrived, with red flags on, betokening extra trains running +wild behind, and the city was told to come down to the depot and pay the +first installment of freight, and take the stone crusher away--that part +of it that had arrived. The aldermen went down and took an +inventory of the hardware, and some of them went and jumped in the river. +At a cent a pound one can buy a good deal of cast iron for five thousand +dollars. The city bonded itself, and paid the freight, and during the +spring all of the trains loaded with the stone crusher arrived. It was +argued that the only way to get the stone crusher up to the city building +would be to give the railroad the right of way up town, right through Main +street. + +Some were in favor of letting the railroad company keep it for freight, +but the company threatened to get out an injunction on the city. Finally a +man who took contracts to move brick buildings agreed to move it up town +on shares, and during the summer the most of it was got up there and +corded up on some vacant lots. If all the cast iron in it came out of one +mine it must have been an immense mine. People would look at it and weep. +Every alderman swore he voted against buying it. Occasionally some one in +the council would suggest that the stone crusher be taken out to the +bluffs, a couple of miles, and set to work, when another one would move, +to amend by inserting a clause that the bluffs be moved into the city to +be crushed, as it would save expense. Then the matter would drop. For +three years that stone crusher stood there, and it never crushed a pebble. +New mayors and aldermen were elected, and every day they passed that +crusher, but they never spoke to it. Finally a job was put up to get rid +of it. There was a man there who owned a stone quarry, and it occurred to +somebody to sell it to him. He was a truly good man, and did not believe +there were any bad men in the world, who would kanoodle him with a stone +crusher. A committee was appointed to sell it to him. The committee was +composed of men who had traded horses, sold lightning rods, and been +insurance agents, and when they told the poor man that the city had +noticed that he was a deserving man, that they had decided to +help him along, and would sell him that stone crusher, and he could pay +for it in crushed stone, and the city would pay him in cash half a dollar +more than the stone was worth, he said he would take it. They got it on to +him by buying crushed stone of him and paying cash for it. + +We have never heard whether the man lived or not, and have never heard +whether the city bought any stone of him, but the city got rid of it, and +then had a celebration. Why, they figured it up, and the thing could crush +enough stone in twenty-four hours to pave the streets a foot thick all +over town and thirteen miles in the country. To run it a week would +bankrupt the State of Wisconsin, It could go up to the stone quarry and +tunnel a hole right through the hill. It was the biggest elephant that +ever a city drew in a legalized lottery. Milwaukee will make money if she +does not buy a stone crusher, not as long as it can buy stone in the +rough, and have it crushed by tramps, at nothing a day. + + +MERRIE CHRISTMAS. + +What proportion of the people who wish each other merry Christmas, do you +suppose think of the reason that the day is a holiday? Not one in a +thousand. Do the young fellows who put on a clean shirt and go down town +and play pool all day, and drink yellow stuff out of a shaving cup, and +get chalk on their fingers, and eat liver sausage, think that Christ died +to save them? No! All they think of is the prospect of sticking some other +fellow for the game. Do the hundreds of thousands of people who get up a +big feed, and gormandize, think of Christ, or the poor all about them who +have little to eat to-day, and little prospect of more to eat to-morrow? +Many of them do not think of the poor, or of anything else except to +prospect upon how much they will hold and not get sick. + + +THE DIFFERENCE IN HORSES. + +There has been a great change in livery horses within the last twenty +years. Years ago, if a young fellow wanted to take his girl out riding, +and expected to enjoy himself, he had to hire an old horse, the worst in +the livery stable, that would drive itself, or he never could get his arm +around his girl to save him. If he took a decent looking team, to put on +style, he had to hang on to the lines with both hands, and if he even took +his eyes off the team to look at the suffering girl beside him, with his +mouth, the chances were that the team would jump over a ditch, or run +away, at the concussion. Riding out with girls was shorn of much of its +pleasure in those days. + +We knew a young man that was going to put one arm around his girl if he +did not lay up a cent, and it cost him over three hundred dollars. The +team ran away, the buggy was wrecked, one horse was killed, the girl had +her hind leg broken, and the girl's father kicked the young man all over +the orchard, and broke the mainspring of his watch. + +It got so that the livery rig a young man drove was an index to his +thoughts. If he had a stylish team that was right up on the bit, and full +of vinegar, and he braced himself and pulled for all that was out, and the +girl sat back in the corner of the buggy, looking as though she should +faint away if a horse got his tail over a line, then people said that +couple was all right, and there was no danger that they would be on +familiar terms. + +But if they started out with a slow old horse that looked as though all he +wanted was to be left alone, however innocent the party might look, people +knew just as well as though they had seen it, that when they got out on +the road, or when night came on, that fellow's arm would steal +around her waist, and she would snug up to him, and--Oh, pshaw, you have +heard it before. + +Well, late years the livery men have "got onto the racket," as they say at +the church sociables, They have found that horses that know their business +are in demand, and so horses are trained for this purpose. They are +trained on purpose for out-door sparking. It is not an uncommon thing to +see a young fellow drive up to the house where his girl lives with a team +that is just tearing things. They prance, and champ the bit, and the young +man seems to pull on them as though his liver was coming out. The horses +will hardly stand still long enough for the girl to get in, and then they +start off and seem to split the air wide open, and the neighbors say, +"Them children will get all smashed up one of these days." + +The girl's mother and father see the team start, and their minds +experience a relief as they reflect that "as long as John drives that +frisky team there can't be no hugging a going on." The girl's older sister +sighs and says, "That's so," and goes to her room and laughs right out +loud. + +It would be instructive to the scientists to watch that team for a few +miles. The horses fairly foam, before they get out of town, but striking +the country road, the fiery steeds come down to a walk, and they mope +along as though they had always worked on a hearse. The shady woods are +reached, and the carriage scarcely moves, and the horses seem to be +walking in their sleep. The lines are loose on the dash board, and the +left arm of the driver is around the pretty girl, and they are talking +low. It is not necessary to talk loud, as they are so near each other that +the faintest whisper can be heard. + +But a change comes over them. A carriage appears in front, coming towards +them. It may be someone that knows them. The young man picks up the lines, +and the horses are in the air, and as they pass the other carriage it +almost seems as though the team is running away, and the girl that was in +sweet repose a moment before acts as though she wanted to get out. After +passing the intruder the walk and conversation are continued. + +If you meet the party on the Whitefish Bay road at 10 o'clock at night, +the horses are walking as quietly as oxen, and they never wake up until +coming into town, and then he pulls up the team and drives through the +town like a cyclone, and when he drives up to the house the old man is on +the steps, and he thinks John must be awful tired trying to hold that +team. And he is. + +It is thought by some that horses have no intelligence, but a team that +knows enough to take in a sporadic case of buggy sparking has got sense. +These teams come high, but the boys have to have them. + + +BASE INGRATITUDE. + +I remember once of offering a lady from Eau Claire a slice of bread and a +half of a red onion in a railroad car. She looked hungry, and yet she said +she didn't care to eat. Thinking she had a delicacy about accepting food +at the hands of one who was almost a stranger to her, I turned the bread +and onion into her lap, and said she was entirely welcome to it. What did +she do? Instead of eating it, and thanking me, she threw it out of the +window, and went and sat by the stove. I was never so offended in my life. +That woman may see the time she will want that onion, and I would see her +almost perish of starvation before she could have any more of my onion. + + +THE DIFFERENCE. + +One of the great female writers on dress reform, in trying to illustrate +how terrible the female dress is, says: + +"Take a man and pin three or four table cloths about him, fastened back +with elastic, and looped up with ribbons, draw all his hair to the middle +of his head and tie it tight, and hairpin on five pounds of other hair and +a big bow of ribbon. Keep the front locks on pins all night, and let them +tickle his eyes all day, pinch his waist into a corset, and give him +gloves a size too small, and shoes the same, and a hat that will not stay +on without torturing elastic, and a little lace veil to blind his eyes +whenever he goes out to walk, and he will know what a woman's dress is." + +Now you think you have done it, don't you sis? Why, bless you, that +toggery would be heaven compared to what a man has to contend with. Take a +woman and put a pair of men's four shilling drawers on her that are so +tight that when they get damp, from perspiration, sis, they stick so you +can't cross your legs without an abrasion of the skin, the buckle in the +back turning a somersault and sticking its points into your spinal +meningitis; put on an undershirt that draws across the chest so you feel +as though you must cut a hole in it, or two, and which is so short that it +works up under your arms, and allows the starched upper shirt to sand +paper around and file off the skin until you wish it was night, the tail +of which will not stay tucked more than half a block, though you tuck, and +tuck, and tuck; and then fasten a collar made of sheet zinc, two sizes too +small for you, around your neck, put on vest and coat, and liver pad and +lung pad and stomach pad, and a porous plaster, and a chemise shirt +between the two others, and rub on some liniment, and put a bunch of keys +and a jack-knife and a button hook, and a pocket-book and a pistol and a +plug of tobacco in your pockets, so they will chafe your person, +and then go and drink a few whiskey cocktails, and walk around in the sun +with tight boots on, sis, and then you will know what a man's dress is. + +Come to figure it up, it is about an even thing, sis,--isn't it? + + +THOSE STEP LADDERS! + +There has got to be a law passed to punish the hardware dealers for +selling those step ladders that shut up like a jack-knife. A Ninth Street +woman got onto one the other afternoon when it looked as though there was +going to be a frost, to take her ivies down and carry them in the house. +We don't care how handsome a woman is naturally, you put a towel around +her head and put her up on a step ladder about seven feet high, with a +tomahawk in her left hand, trying to draw a big nail out of a post on a +veranda, and she looks like thunder. This woman did. Her husband tried to +get her to let him do the work, but she said a man never knew how to do +anything, anyway. So he sat down on the steps to see how it would turn +out. She said afterwards that he kicked the ladder, but however that may +be, there was an earthquake, and when he looked up the air was filled with +calico, toweling, striped stockings, polonaise, trailing arbutus, red +petticoats, store hair and step ladder. He said the step ladder struck the +veranda last, but as he picked her off of it, it seemed as though it must +have lit first. He said the step ladder must have kicked up. In coming +down she run one leg through the baby wagon, and the other through some +flower pots, and a boy who was passing along said he guess she had been to +the turning school. + + +WONDERS OF THE STAGE. + +There is no person in the world who is easier to overlook the +inconsistencies that show themselves on the stage at theatres than we are, +but once in a while there is something so glaring that it pains us. We +have seen actors fight a duel in a piece of woods far away from any town, +on the stage, and when one of them fell, pierced to the heart with a +sword, we have noticed that he fell on a Brussels carpet. That is all +wrong, but we have stood it manfully. + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES.] + +We have seen a woman on the stage who was so beautiful that we could be +easily mashed if we had any heart left to spare. Her eyes were of that +heavenly color that has been written about heretofore, and her smile as +sweet as ever was seen, but behind the scenes, through the wings, +we have seen her trying to dig the cork out of a beer bottle with a pair +of shears, and ask a supe, in harsh tones, where the cork-screw was, while +she spread mustard on a piece of cheese, and finally drank the beer from +the bottle, and spit the pieces of cork out on the floor, sitting astride +of a stage chair, and her boot heels up on the top round, her trail rolled +up into a ball, wrong side out, showing dirt from forty different stage +floors. + +These things hurt. But the worst thing that has ever occurred to knock the +romance out of us, was to see a girl in the second act, after "twelve +years is supposed to elapse," with the same pair of red stockings on that +she wore in the first act, twelve years before. Now, what kind of a way is +that? It does not stand to reason that a girl would wear the same pair of +stockings twelve years. Even if she had them washed once in six months, +they would be worn out. People notice these things. + +What the actresses of this country need is to change their stockings. To +wear them twelve years even in their minds, shows an inattention to the +details and probabilities, of a play, that must do the actresses an +injury, if not give them corns. Let theatre-goers insist that the +stockings be changed oftener, in these plays that sometimes cover half a +century, and the stockings will not become moth-eaten. Girls, look to the +little details. Look to the stockings, as your audiences do, and you will +see how it is yourselves. + + +HOW FARMERS MAY GET RICH. + +The artificial propagation of fish has attracted much attention of late +years, and the success of experiments has shown that every farmer that has +a stream of water on his land can raise fish enough to get rich in five +years, four months and twenty-one days. + + +A CASE OF PARALYSIS. + +About as mean a trick as we ever heard of was perpetrated by a doctor at +Hudson last Sunday. The victim was a justice of the peace named Evans. Mr. +Evans is a man who has the alfiredest biggest feet east of St. Paul, and +when he gets a new pair of shoes it is an event that has its effect on the +leather market. + +Last winter he advertised for sealed proposals to erect a pair of shoes +for him, and when the bids were opened it was found that a local architect +in leather had secured the contract, and after mortgaging his house to a +Milwaukee tannery, and borrowing some money on his diamonds of his +"uncle," John Comstock, who keeps a pawnbrokery there, he broke ground for +the shoes. + +Owing to the snow blockade and the freshets, and the trouble to get hands +who would work on the dome, there were several delays, and Judge Evans was +at one time inclined to cancel the contract, and put some strings in box +cars and wear them in place of shoes, but sympathy for the contractor, who +had his little awl invested in the material and labor, induced him to put +up with the delay. + +On Saturday the shoes were completed, all except laying the floor and +putting on a couple of bay windows for corns and conservatories for +bunions, and the judge concluded to wear them on Sunday. He put them on, +but got the right one on the left foot, and the left one on the right +foot. As he walked down town the right foot was continually getting on the +left side, and he stumbled over himself, and he felt pains in his feet. +The judge was frightened in a minute. He is afraid of paralysis, all the +boys know it, and when he told a wicked Republican named Spencer how his +feet felt, that degraded man told the judge that it was one of the surest +symptoms of paralysis in the world, and advised him to hunt a doctor. + +The judge pranced off, interfering at every step, skinning his +shins, and found Dr. Hoyt. The doctor is one of the worst men in the +world, and when he saw how the shoes were put on he told the judge that +his case was hopeless unless something was done immediately. The judge +turned pale, the sweat poured out of him, and taking out his purse he gave +the doctor five dollars and asked him what he should do. The doctor felt +his pulse, looked at his tongue, listened at his heart, shook his head, +and then told the judge that he would be a dead man in less than sixty +years if he didn't change his shoes. + +The judge looked down at the vast expanse of leather, both sections +pointing inwardly, and said, "Well, dam a fool," and "changed cars" at the +junction. As he got them on the right feet, and hired a raftsman to tie +them up for him, he said he would get even with the doctor if he had to +catch the small pox. O, we suppose they have more fun in some of these +country towns than you can shake a stick at. + + +WE WILL CELEBRATE. + +With so many new holidays, and so many new people, it is hardly to be +wondered at that the day of all days, the day that should be dearest to +the heart of every American, is in danger of being passed over in silence, +and were it not for the fire cracker, that begins to get in its work about +the first of June, in many instances this Anniversary of American +Independence would be passed without the customary mouth shootzen-fest +from alleged orators, but when the small boy begins to stir around and +clandestinely look down the muzzle of the always loaded fire cracker, the +patriotism of the boys still begins to assert itself, the old man's eyes +begin to snap, and he talks to his neighbor about how they used to +celebrate when he was a boy, the stuff begins to work over the +neighborhood, the village catches it, the country begins. + + +DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS! + +Lorillard, the New York tobacco man, had a poodle dog stolen, and has +offered a reward of five hundred dollars for the arrest of the thief, and +he informs a reporter that he will spend $10,000, if necessary, for the +capture and conviction of the thief. [Applause.] + +The applause marked in there will be from human skye terriers, who have +forgotten that only a few weeks ago several hundred girls, who had been +working in Lorillard's factory, went on a strike because as they allege, +they were treated like dogs. We doubt if they were treated as well as this +poodle was treated. We doubt, in case one of these poor, virtuous girls +was kidnapped, if the great Lorillard would have offered as big a reward +for the conviction of the human thief, as he has for the conviction of the +person who has eloped with his poodle. + +We hope that the aristocracy of this country will never get to valuing a +dog higher than it does a human being. When it gets so that a rich person +would not permit a poodle to do the work in a tobacco factory that a poor +girl does to support a sick mother, hell had better be opened for summer +boarders. When girls work ten hours a day stripping nasty tobacco, and +find at the end of the week that the fines for speaking are larger than +the wages, and the fines go for the conviction of thieves who steal the +girl's master's dog, no one need come around here lecturing at a dollar a +head and telling us there is no hell. + +When a poor girl, who has gone creeping to her work at daylight, looks out +of the window at noon to see her master's carriage go by, in which there +is a five hundred dollar dog with a hundred dollar blanket on, and a +collar set with diamonds, lolling on satin cushions, and the girl is fined +ten cents for looking out of, the window, you don't want to fool +away any time trying to get us to go to a heaven where such heartless +employers are expected. + +It is seldom the _Sun_ gets on its ear, but it can say with great +fervency, "Damn a man that will work poor girls like slaves, and pay them +next to nothing, and spend ten thousand dollars to catch a dog-thief!" If +these sentiments are sinful, and for expressing them we are a candidate +for fire and brimstone, it is all right, and the devil can stoke up and +make up our bunk when he hears that we are on the through train. + +It seems now--though we may change our mind the first day at the fire--as +though we had rather be in hades with a hundred million people who have +always done the square thing, than to be in any heaven that will pass a +man in who has starved the poor and paid ten thousand dollars to catch a +dog-thief. We could have a confounded sight better time, even if we had +our ulster all burned off. It would be worth the price of admission to +stand with our back to the fire, and as we began to smell woolen burning +near the pistol pocket, to make up faces at the ten-thousand-dollar-dog +millionaires that were putting on style at the other place. + + +AN ODOROUS BOHEMIAN. + +A Bohemian on the train last night had some cheese in his vest pocket that +was too ripe, and the conductor had to disinfect the car, and order the +Bohemian to be quarantined before the train would be allowed to enter the +city. Cheese is all right in its place, but it don't want to be allowed to +lay above ground too long after it has departed this life. If farmers will +pay a little attention to cheese in its different stages, much trouble can +be avoided. In union there is strength. So there is in a smoking car. + + +TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. + +The tendency of the stage is to present practical, everyday affairs in +plays, and those are the most successful which are the most natural. The +shoeing of a horse on the stage in a play attracts the attention of the +audience wonderfully, and draws well. The inner workings of a brewery, or +a mill, is a big card, but there is hardly enough tragedy about it. If +they could run a man or two through the wheel, and have them cut up into +hash, or have them drowned in a beer vat, audiences could applaud as they +do when eight or nine persons are stabbed, poisoned or beheaded in the +Hamlets and Three Richards, where corpses are piled up on top of each +other. + +What the people want is a compromise between old tragedy and new comedy. +Now, if some manager could have a love play, where the heroine goes into a +slaughter house to talk love to the butcher, instead of a blacksmith shop +or a brewery, it would take. A scene could be set for a slaughter house, +with all the paraphernalia for killing cattle, and supe butchers to stand +around the star butcher with cleavers and knives. + +The star butcher could sit on a barrel of pigs' feet, or a pile of heads +and horns, and soliloquize over his unrequitted love, as he sharpened a +butcher knife on his boot. The hour for slaughtering having arrived, +cattle could be driven upon the stage, the star could knock down a steer +and cut its throat, and hang it up by the hind legs and skin it, with the +audience looking on breathlessly. + +As he was about to cut open the body of the dead animal, the orchestra +could suddenly break the stillness, and the heroine could waltz out from +behind a lot of dried meat hanging up at one side, dressed in a lavender +satin princess dress, _en train_, with a white reception hat with ostrich +feathers, and, wading through the blood of the steer on the +carpet, shout, "Stay your hand, Reginald!" + +The star butcher could stop, wipe his knife on his apron, motion to the +supe butchers to leave, and he would take three strides through the blood +and hair, to the side of the heroine, take her by the wrist with his +bloody hand, and shout, "What wiltest thou, Mary Anderson de Montmorence?" +Then they could sit down on a box of intestines and liver and things and +talk it over, and the curtain could go down with the heroine swooning in +the arms of the butcher. + +[Illustration: JOHN MCCULLOUGH KILLING A TEXAS STEER.] + +Seven years could elapse between that act and the next, and a scene could +be laid in a boarding house, and some of the same beef could be on the +table, and all that. Of course we do not desire to go into details. We are +no play writer, but we know what takes. People have got tired of +imitation blood on the stage. They kick on seeing a man killed in one act, +and come out as good as new in the next. Any good play writer can take the +cue from this article and give the country a play that will take the +biscuit. + +Imagine John McCullough, or Barrett, instead of killing Roman supes with +night gowns on, and bare legs, killing a Texas steer. There's where you +would get the worth of your money. It would make them show the metal +within them, and they would have to dance around to keep from getting a +horn in their trousers. It does not require any pluck to go out behind the +scenes with a sword and kill enough supes for a mess. + + +GRANITE HEAD CHEESE. + +A few years ago there was some excitement at Grand Rapids over the +discovery of a bed or quarry of granite. Some of it was taken out, from +the top of the quarry, and polished, and proved to be as fine as any that +is imported. Further working of the quarry, however, has developed a +strange thing. The further they go down the softer it is, and it has been +learned that the quarry is all head cheese, such as is sold by butchers. +On top it is petrified, and polishes very nicely, but a little below it is +nice and fresh, and can be cut out with a knife, all ready for the table. +A friend in Milwaukee, who has an uncle living at Grand Rapids, has +furnished us with a quantity of it, some of which we have eaten, and were +it not for the fact that we know it came from the quarry, it would be hard +to convince us that it was not concocted out of the remains of a butcher +shop. The people up there talk of running Hon. J.N. Brundage for Congress, +on the head cheese ticket, in order that he may use his influence to get +head cheese adopted as an army ration, and also as currency with which to +wipe out the national debt. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA AN INVENTOR. + +"Ha! Ha! Now I have got you," said the grocery man to the had boy, the +other morning, as he came in and jumped upon the counter and tied the end +of a ball of twine to the tail of a dog, and "sicked" the dog on another +dog that was following a passing sleigh, causing the twine to pay out +until the whole ball was scattered along the block. "Condemn you, I've a +notion to choke the liver out of you. Who tied that twine to the dog's +tail?" + +The boy choked up with emotion, and the tears came into his eyes, and he +said he didn't know anything about the twine or the dog. He said he +noticed the dog come in, and wag his tail around the twine, but he +supposed the dog was a friend of the family, and did not disturb him. +"Everybody lays everything that is done to me," said the boy, as he put +his handkerchief to his nose, "and, they will be sorry for it when I die. +I have a good notion to poison myself by eating some of your glucose +sugar." + +"Yes, and you do about everything that is mean. The other day a lady came +in and told me to send up to her house, some of my country sausage, done +up in muslin bags, and while she was examining it she noticed something +hard inside the bags, and asked me what it was, and I opened it, and I +hope to die if there wasn't a little brass padlock and a piece of red +morocco dog collar imbedded in the sausage. Now how do you suppose that +got in there?" and the grocery man looked savage. + +The boy looked interested, and put on an expression as though in deep +thought, and finally said, "I suppose the farmer that put up the sausage +did not strain the dog meat. Sausage meat ought to be strained." + +The grocery man pulled in about half a block of twine, after the +dog had run against a fence and broke it, and told the boy he knew +perfectly well how the brass padlock came to be in the sausage, but +thinking it was safer to have the good will of the boy than the ill will, +he offered him a handful of prunes. + +"No," said the boy, "I have swore off on mouldy prunes. I am no +kinder-garden any more. For years I have eaten rotten peaches around this +store, and everything you couldn't sell, but I have turned over a new leaf +now, and after this nothing is too good for me. Since Pa has got to be an +inventor, we are going to live high." + +"What's your Pa invented? I saw a hearse and three hacks go up on your +street the other day and I thought may be you had killed your Pa." + +"Not much. There will be more than three hacks when I kill Pa, and don't +you forget it. Well, sir, Pa has struck a fortune, if he can make the +thing work. He has got an idea about coal stoves that will bring him +several million dollars, if he gets a royalty of five dollars on every +cook stove in the world. His idea is to have a coal stove on castors with +the pipe made to telescope out and in, and rubber hose for one joint, so +you can pull the stove all around the room and warm any particular place. +Well, sir, to hear Pa tell about it, you would think it would +revolutionize the country, and maybe it will when he gets it perfected, +but he came near burning the house up, and scared us half to death this +morning, and burned his shirt off, and he is all covered with cotton with +sweet oil on, and he smells like salad dressing. + +"You see Pa had a pipe made and some castors put on our coal stove, and he +tied a rope to the hearth of the stove, and had me put in some kindling +wood and coal last night, so he could draw the stove up to the bed and +light the fire without getting up. Ma told him he would put his foot in +it, and he told her to dry up, and let him run the stove +business. He said it took a man with brain to run a patent right, and Ma +she pulled the clothes over her head and let Pa do the fire act. She has +been building the fires for twenty years, and thought she would let Pa see +how good it was. Well, Pa pulled the stove to the bed, and touched off the +kindling wood. I guess maybe I got a bundle of kindling wood that the +hired girl had put kerosene on, cause it blazed up awful and smoked, and +the blaze bursted out the doors and windows of the stove, and Pa yelled +fire, and I jumped out of bed and rushed in and he was the scartest man +you ever see, and you'd a dide to see how he kicked when I threw a pail of +water on his legs and put his shirt out. Ma did not get burned, but she +was pretty wet, and she told Pa she would pay five dollars royalty on that +stove and take the castors off and let it remain stationary. Pa says he +will make it work if he burns the house down. I think it was real mean in +Pa to get mad at me because I threw cold water on him instead of warm +water, to put his shirt out. If I had waited till I could heat water to +the right temperature I would have been an orphan and Pa would have been a +burnt offering. But some men always kick at everything. Pa has given up +business entirely and says he shall devote the remainder of his life +curing himself of the different troubles that I get him into. He has +retained a doctor by the year, and he buys liniment by the gallon. + +"What was it about your folks getting up in the middle of the night to +eat? The hired girl was over here after some soap the other morning, and +she said she was going to leave your house." + +"Well, that was a picnic. Pa said he wanted breakfast earlier than we was +in the habit of having it, and he said I might see to it that the house +was awake early enough. The other night I awoke with the awfulest pain you +ever heard of. It was that night that you give me and my chum the +bottle of pickled oysters that had begun to work. Well, I could't sleep, +and I thought I would call the hired girls, and they got up and got +breakfast to going, and then I rapped on Pa's and Ma's door and told them +the breakfast was getting cold, and they got up and came down. We ate +breakfast by gas light, and Pa yawned and said it made a man feel good to +get up and get ready for work before daylight, the way he used to on the +farm, and Ma she yawned and agreed with Pa, 'cause she has to, or have a +row. After breakfast we sat around for an hour, and Pa said it was a long +time getting daylight, and bimeby Pa looked at his watch. When he began to +pull out his watch I lit out and hid in the storeroom, and pretty soon I +heard Pa and Ma come up stairs and go to bed, and then the hired girls, +they went to bed, and when it was all still, and the pain had stopped +inside of my clothes, I went to bed, and I looked to see what time it was +and it was two o'clock in the morning. We got dinner at eight o'clock in +the morning, and Pa said he guessed he would call up the house after this, +so I have lost another job, and it was all on account of that bottle of +pickled oysters you gave me. My chum says he had colic too, but he didn't +call up his folks. It was all he could do to get up himself. Why don't you +give away something that is not spiled?" + +The groceryman said he guessed he knew what to give away, and the boy went +out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery, that he had made on +wrapping paper with red chalk, which read, "Rotten eggs, good enough for +custard pies, for 18 cents a dozen." + + +A GOOD LAND ENOUGH. + +This land of the free is good enough, if we make it good, and if we make +it bad, it is just as bad as any country under the sun. It all depends on +how the people act. + + +THE WOODCOCK. + +It is a rainy day, and nothing has occurred of a local nature, that is, +nothing of a hair standing nature, so we will just spoil a few sheets of +paper relating, in a Sunday School book style, the circumstances of an +excursion after woodcock, the other day, indulged in by W.C. Root, the +Wisconsin amateur Bogardus, Jennings McDonald, Captain of a breech-loading +steamboat, and the subscriber. In the first place, it may be well to state +that the woodcock, or "Timber Doodle," as Prof. Agassiz calls it, is a +game bird. We know it is a game bird, because they charge a dollar apiece +for them in New York. The meat is about as sweet as deceased cow's liver, +but they are worth a dollar apiece. The "Timber Doodle" is a patriotic +bird, because he gets ripe on the 4th of July. He is about the size of a +doughnut, with a long bill, like a lawyer. + +We took passage per skiff at twelve o'clock. If there was one drawback, it +was the fact that the oar-locks of the boat had been mislaid. After +consuming an hour in not finding them, Frank Hatch became discouraged at +seeing us lay around the levee, so he tied the oars on with tarred rope +and we got off, three of us besides the other dogs. The water was so high +that we crossed Barron's island, only having to get out and pull the boat +over two or three sand-bars and a raft or two. Every time we got out to +pull the boat, the dogs would get out to look for woodcock, around the +stumps, and when they got in the boat would be full of water and mud, and +of course we had our best clothes on. Did it ever occur to you how much +water a dog could carry in his hair? A dog is worse than a sponge. An +ordinary dog, with luck, can fill a skiff with water at two jumps. Not, +however, with us in the boat to bail out the water. The woodcock's tail +sticks up like a sore thumb. We are thus particular to describe +the woodcock, so if you ever see one you can go right away from him. +Woodcock and mosquitoes are in "cahoots." While the woodcock bores in the +ground for snakes and other feed that makes him fat and worth a dollar in +New York, the mosquito stands on the ramparts and talks to the boys. + +Well, speaking about woodcock, after riding five miles, through bushes, +brambles and things, we got out of the boat and only had to walk a couple +of miles to get where the birds were. Right here we wish to state that we +shouldn't have gone after the woodcock at all, only everybody said it was +such fun. Root showed us a picture of a woodcock in a book, and if that +didn't convince us, the fact that a small boy came in town and sold three +dozen, did. Then we wanted to go. There never has been a year when +woodcock were so plenty at places we didn't visit. The most fun was at a +ditch which was about a foot wider than any of us could jump. Root gave +his gun to McDonald and plunged in. Then McDonald threw a gun to Root. It +hit him on the thumb-nail and dropped in the ditch out of sight. Mc. +thought it was Root's gun, and he apologized to Root for throwing it so +carelessly. Root supposed it was Mc.'s gun, and he apologized for not +catching it. We never saw men more polite in the world. Mc. started to +jump across, when a dog got between his legs, and both went in up to their +knees. You never can jump as well with a dog tangled up amongst your legs. +The dog looked at Jennings as though he wanted to swear. We waded through +the ditch and only got two feet wet. The rest of them had more than that +wet. + +But about the woodcock. This is, kind reader, purely a woodcock story, and +more or less must be said about the dollar bird. But this is neither here +nor there. It was over in the Root river bottoms. Finally we got on the +woodcock ground and went to work. Talk about mosquitoes! There was no end +to them. We ought not to say that, either, because there are spots on our +person that just fit the end of a mosquito. There was an end to them. If +you never saw mosquitoes in convention, you want to go over there. And +right here we will give a recipe for keeping mosquitoes from biting. You +take some cedar oil and put on your coat collar, if you are a man, and if +you are a woman put it on that gingerbread work around your neck, and a +mosquito will come up and sing to you and get all ready to take toll, when +she will smell that oil. She is the sickest mosquito you ever saw. She +turns over on her back and sends her husband for the nearest doctor. We +had a bottle of cedar oil, and if Jennings hadn't left it hanging up in +Hogan's store in his coat, we should have made those mosquitoes sick. As +it was they did it to us. There isn't a spot on us as big as a billiard +table but what you can find artesian wells made by mosquitoes. + +Woodcock sell higher in the market than any other bird. Lots of people +that never saw them eat snakes, eat them. When they get up to fly they +talk Bohemian, and get behind a bush. You shoot right into the bush, and +if you kill one you think you are a good shot. Talk about getting tired. +You walk around in the woods several miles, with mosquitoes getting +acquainted with you, and all the time your nerves strung up in +anticipation of seeing a dollar bill fly up, and if you don't sleep +without rocking, we are no prophet. The sport, however, is exhilerating, +and we are glad we went. We are glad because it learned us one thing, and +that is, if we ever want a woodcock real bad, it will be cheaper, easier, +and better to buy it. It will be inferred that we did not see a woodcock. +Such is the case. + +But we made the blackbirds sick. + + +A BALD-HEADED MAN MOST CRAZY. + +Last Wednesday the bell to our telephone rung violently at 8 o'clock in +the morning, and when we put our ear to the earaphone, and our mouth to +the mouthaphone, and asked what was the matter, a still small voice, +evidently that of a lady, said, "Julia has got worms, doctor." + +We were somewhat taken back, but supposing Julia was going fishing, we +were just going to tell her not to forget to spit on her bait, when a male +voice said, "O, go to the devil, will you?" We couldn't tell whose voice +it was, but it sounded like the clerk at the Plankinton House, and we sat +down. + +There is no man who will go further to accommodate a friend than we will, +but by the great ethereal there are some things we will not do to please +anybody. As we sat and meditated, the bell rang once more, and then we +knew the wires had got tangled, and that we were going to have trouble all +day. It was a busy day, too, and to have a bell ringing beside one's ear +all day is no fun. + +The telephone is a blessed thing when it is healthy, but when its liver is +out of order it is the worst nuisance on record. When it is out of order +that way you can hear lots of conversation that you are not entitled to. +For instance, we answered the bell after it had rung several times, and a +sweet little female voice said, "Are you going to receive to-morrow?" We +answered that we were going to receive all the time. Then she asked what +made us so hoarse? We told her that we had sat in a draft from the bank, +and it made the cold chills run over us to pay it. That seemed to be +satisfactory, and then she began to tell us what she was going to wear, +and asked if we thought it was going to be too cold to wear a low neck +dress and elbow sleeves. We told her that was what we were going +to wear, and then she began to complain that her new dress was too tight +in various places that she mentioned, and when the boys picked us up off +the floor and bathed our temples, and we told them to take her away, they +thought we were crazy. + +[Illustration: AT THE TELEPHONE.] + +If we have done wrong in talking with a total strangers who took us for a +lady friend, we are willing to die. We couldn't help it. For an hour we +would not answer the constant ringing of the bell, but finally the bell +fluttered as though a tiny bird had lit upon the wire and was shaking its +plumage. It was not a ring, but it was a tune, as though an angel, about +eighteen years old, a blonde angel, was handling the other end of the +transmitter, and we felt as though it was wrong for us to sit and keep her +in suspense, when she was evidently dying to pour into our auricular +appendage remarks that we ought to hear. + +And still the bell did flut. We went to the cornucopia, put our +ear to the toddy stick and said, "What ailest thou darling, why dost thy +hand tremble? Whisper all thou feelest to thine old baldy." Then there +came over the wire and into our mansard by a side window the following +touching remarks: "Matter enough. I have been ringing here till I have +blistered my hands. We have got to have ten car loads of hogs by day after +to-morrow or shut down." Then there was a stuttering, and then another +voice said, "Go over to Loomis' pawn shop. A man shot in"--and another +voice broke in singing, "The sweet by and by, we shall meet on that +beautiful"--and another voice said--"girl I ever saw. She was riding with +a duffer, and wiped her nose as I drove by in the street car, and I think +she is struck after me." + +It was evident that the telephone was drunk, and we went out in the hall +and wrote on a barrel all the afternoon, and gave it full possession of +the office. + + +CONVENIENT CURRENCY. + +What we want is a currency that every farmer can issue for himself. A law +should be passed making the products of the farm a legal tender for all +debts, public and private, including duties on imports, interest on the +public debt, and contributions for charitable purposes. Then we shall have +a new money table about as follows: + + Ten ears of corn make one cent. + Ten cucumbers make one dime. + Ten watermelons make one dollar. + Ten bushels of wheat make one eagle. + + +THE GOSPEL CAR. + + Because there are cars for the luxurious, and smoking cars for + those who delight in tobacco, some of the religious people of + Connecticut are petitioning the railroad companies to fit up + "Gospel cars." Instead of the card tables, they want an organ and + piano, they want the seats arranged facing the centre of the car, + so they can have a full view of whoever may conduct the services; + instead of spittoons they will have a carpet, and instead of cards + they want Bibles and Gospel song books.--_Chicago News_. + +There is an idea for you. Let some railroad company; fit up a Gospel car +according to the above prescription, and run it, and the porter on that +car would be the most lonesome individual on the train. The Gospel hymn +books would in a year appear as new as do now the Bibles that are put up +in all cars. Of the millions of people who ride in the trains, many of +them pious Christians, who has ever seen a man or woman take a Bible off +the iron rack and read it a single minute? And yet you can often see +ministers and other professing Christians in the smoking car, puffing a +cigar and reading a daily paper. + +Why, it is all they can do to get a congregation in a church on Sunday; +and does any one suppose that when men and women are traveling for +business or pleasure--and they do not travel for anything else--that they +are going into a "Gospel car" to listen to some sky pirate who has been +picked up for the purpose, talk about the prospects of landing the cargo +in heaven? + +Not much! + +The women are too much engaged looking after their baggage, and keeping +the cinders out of their eyes, and keeping the children's heads out of the +window, and keeping their fingers from being jammed, to look out for their +immortal souls. And the men are too much absorbed in the object of their +trip to listen to gospel truths. They are thinking about whether they will +be able to get a room at the hotel, or whether they will have to sleep on +a cot. + +Nobody can sing gospel songs on a car, with their throats full of +cinders, and their eyes full of dust, and the chances are if anybody +should strike up, "A charge to keep I have," some pious sinner who was +trying to take a nap in the corner of the gospel car would say: + +"O, go and hire a hall!" + +It would be necessary to make an extra charge of half a dollar to those +who occupied the gospel car, the same as is charged on the parlor car, and +you wouldn't get two persons on an average train full that would put up a +nickel. + +Why, we know a Wisconsin Christian, worth a million dollars, who, when he +comes up from Chicago to the place where he lives, hangs up his overcoat +in the parlor car, and then goes into the forward car and rides till the +whistle blows for his town, when he goes in and gets his coat and never +says thirty-five cents to the conductor, or ten cents to the porter. Do +you think a gospel car would catch him for half a dollar? He would see you +in Hades first. + +The best way is to take a little eighteen-carat religion along into the +smoking car, or any other car you may happen to be in. + +A man--as we understand religion from those who have had it--does not have +to howl to the accompaniment of an asthmatic organ, pumped by a female +with a cinder in her eye and smut on her nose, in order to enjoy religion, +and he does not have to be in the exclusive company of other pious people +to get the worth of his money. There is a great deal of religion in +sitting in a smoking car, smoking dog-leg tobacco in a briar-wood pipe, +and seeing happy faces in the smoke that curls up--faces of those you have +made happy by kind words, good deeds, or half a dollar put where it will +drive away hunger, instead of paying it out for a reserved seat in a +gospel car. Take the half dollar you would pay for a seat in a gospel car +and go into the smoker, and find some poor emigrant that is going west to +grow up with the country, after having been beaten out of his money at +Castle Garden, and give it to him, and see if the look of thankfulness and +joy does not make you feel better than to listen to a discussion in the +gospel car, as to wheiher the children of Israel went through the Red Sea +with life-preservers, or wore rubber hunting boots. + +Take your gospel-car half dollar and buy a vegetable ivory rattle of the +train boy, and give it to the sick emigrant mother's pale baby, and you +make four persons happy--the baby, the mother, the train boy and yourself. + +We know a man who gave a dollar to a prisoner on the way to State prison, +to buy tobacco with, who has enjoyed more good square religion over it +than he could get out of all the chin music and saw-filing singing he +could hear in a gospel car in ten years. The prisoner was a bad man from +Oshkosh, who was in a caboose in charge of the sheriff, on the way to +Waupun. The attention of the citizen was called to the prisoner by his +repulsive appearance, and his general don't-care-a-damative appearance. +The citizen asked the prisoner how he was fixed for money to buy tobacco +with in prison. He said he hadn't a cent, and he knew it would be the +worst punishment he could have to go without tobacco. The citizen gave him +the dollar and said: + +"Now, every time you take a chew of tobacco in prison, just make up your +mind to be square when you get out." + +The prisoner reached out his hand-cuffed hands to take the dollar, the +hands trembling so that the chains rattled and a great tear as big as a +shirt-button appeared in one eye--the other eye had been gouged out while +"having some fun with the boys" at Oshkosh--and his lips trembled as he +said: + +"So help me God, I will!" + +That man has been boss of a gang of hands in the pinery for two +winters, and has a farm paid for on the Central Railroad, and is "square." + +That is the kind of practical religion a worldly man can occasionally +practice without having a gospel car. + + +BANKS AND BANKING. + +The subject of banking has engrossed the attention of your excellent +Governor for, lo! these many weeks, and he is constrained to say that some +radical changes must be made in the method of receiving deposits by banks, +where an equivalent is not rendered, of His Excellency will be compelled +to emerge from his present aristocratic quarters and take up his abode in +the poor-house. I would call your attention to the practice certain banks +have of issuing checks in lieu of cash. If these checks were available at +the groceries it would be better than it is. Banks have got in a habit of +issuing a species of ivory button in receipt for the green coin of the +realm which is only good at the counter of the bank. These checks are not +issued by the National Banks, but by the State Banks, denominated "Keno" +and "Faro." I would not charge that there is "skullduggery" or +"shenanagen" going on in these institutions, as the president of one of +them informed me, confidentially, that he dealt on the "square," but it is +a noticeable fact that the dividends received by those who do business +with the banks, are almost, as it were, imperceptible. I trust that you +will cause this branch of industry to be thoroughly investigated, and +report by bill or otherwise. Our finances should be beyond suspicion of +dishonesty. + + +LARGE MOUTHS ABE FASHIONABLE. + +The fashion papers, which are authority on the styles, claim that ladies +with large mouths are all the fashion now, and that those whose mouths are +small and rosebud like are all out of style. It is singular the freaks +that are taken by fashion. Years ago a red-headed girl, with a mouth like +a slice cut out of a muskmelon, would have been laughed at, and now such a +girl is worth going miles to see. + +It is easier to color the hair red, and be in fashion, than it is to +enlarge the mouth, though a mouth that has any give to it can be helped by +the constant application of a glove stretcher during the day, and by +holding the cover to a tin blacking box while sleeping. What in the world +the leaders of fashion wanted to declare large mouths the style for, the +heavens only can tell. + +Take a pretty face and mortise about a third of it for mouth, and it seems +to us as though it is a great waste of raw material. There is no use that +a large mouth can be put to that a small mouth would not do better, unless +it is used for a pigeon hole to file away old sets of false teeth. They +can't certainly, be any better for kissing. + +You all remember the traveling man who attended the church fair at +Kalamazoo, where one of the sisters would give a kiss for ten cents. He +went up and paid his ten cents, and was about to kiss her when he noticed +that her mouth was one of those large, open face, cylinder escapement, to +be continued mouths. It commenced at the chin and went about four chains +and three links in a northwesterly direction, then around by her ear, +across under the nose and back by the other ear to the place of beginning, +and containing twelve acres, more or less. + +The traveling man said he was only a poor orphan, and had a family to +support, and if he never came out alive it would be a great hardship upon +those dependent upon him for support, and he asked her as a +special favor that she take her hand and take a reef in one side of the +mouth so it would be smaller. She consented, and puckered in a handful of +what would have been cheek, had it not been mouth. He looked at her again +and found that the mouth had become a very one-sided affair, and he said +he had just one more favor to ask. + +[Illustration: "GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!"] + +He was not a man that was counted hard to suit when he was at home in +Chicago, but he would always feel as though he had got his money's worth, +and go away with pleasanter recollections of Kalamazoo, if she would +kindly take her other hand and draw the other side of her mouth together, +and he would be content to take his ten cents' worth out of what was left +unemployed. + +This was too much, and she gave him a terrible look, and returned him his +ten cents, saying, "Do you think, sir, because you are a Chicago drummer, +that for ten cents you can take a kiss right out of the best part +of it? Go! Get thee to a nunnery," and he went and bought a lemonade with +the money. + +We would not advise any lady whose mouth is small to worry about this new +fashion, and try to enlarge the one nature has given her. Large mouths +will have their run in a few brief months and will be much sought after by +the followers of fashion, but in a short time the little ones that pout, +and look cunning, will come to the front and the large ones will be for +rent. The best kind of a mouth to have is a middling sized one, that has a +dimple by its sides, which is always in style. + + +INTERNAL IMPROVEMENTS. + +Under this heading I can think of nothing that appears more appropriate +than the subject of the artificial propagation of fish. It is a subject +that has arrested the attention of many of the ablest minds of the +country, and the results of experiments have been thus far so satisfactory +that it is almost safe to predict that within the next ten centuries every +man, however poor, may pick bull-heads off of his crab apple vines and +gather his winter supply of fresh shad from his sweet potato trees at less +than fifty cents a pound. The experiments that have been made in our own +state warrant us in going largely into the fish business. A year ago a +quantity of fish seeds were sub soil plowed into the ice of Lake Mendota, +and to-day I am informed that boarders at the hotels there have all the +fish to eat that any reasonable man could desire. The expense is small and +the returns are enormous. It is estimated that from the six quarts of fish +seeds that were planted in the lake there are now ready for the market at +least 11,000,000 car loads of brain-producing food, if you spit on your +bait when you go fishing. + + +PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA. + + +HIS PA GETS BOXED. + +"You don't want to buy a good parrot, do you?" said the bad boy to the +grocery man as he put his wet mittens on the top of the stove to dry, and +kept his back to the stove so he could watch the grocery man, and be +prepared for a kick, if the man should remember the rotten egg sign that +the boy put up in front of the grocery last week. + +"Naw, I don't want no parrot. I had rather have a fool boy around than a +parrot. But what's the matter with your Ma's parrot? I thought she +wouldn't part with him for anything." + +"Well, she wouldn't until Wednesday night, but now she says she will not +have him around, and I may have half I can get for him. She told me to go +to some saloon or some disreputable place and sell him, and I thought +maybe he would about suit you," and the boy broke into a bunch of celery, +and took out a few tender stalks and rubbed them on a codfish to salt +them, and began to bite the stalks, while he held the sole of one wet boot +up against the stove to dry it, making a smell of burned leather that came +near turning the stomach of the cigar sign. + +"Look-a-here boy, don't you call this a disreputable place. Some of the +best people in this town come here," said the grocery man as he held up +the cheese knife and grated his teeth as though he would like to jab it +into the youth. + +"O, that's all right, they come here 'cause you trust; but you make up +what you lose by charging it to other people. Pa will make it hot for you +the last of the week. He has been looking over your bill, and comparing it +with the hired girl, and she says we haven't ever had a prune, or +a dried apple, or a raisin, or any cinnamon, or crackers and cheese out of +your store, and he says you are worse than the James brothers, and that +you used to be a three card monte man, and he will have you arrested for +highway robbery, but you can settle that with Pa. I like you, because you +are no ordinary sneak thief, you are a high-toned, gentlemanly sort of a +bilk, and wouldn't take anything you couldn't lift. O, keep your seat, and +don't get excited. It does a man good to hear the truth from one who has +got the nerve to tell it. + +"But about the parrot. Ma has been away from home for a week, having a +high old time in Chicago, going to theatres and things, and while she was +gone, I guess the hired girl or somebody learned the parrot some new +things to say. A parrot that can only say 'Polly wants a cracker,' don't +amount to anything--what we need is new style parrots that can converse on +the topics of the day, and say things original. Well, when Ma got back I +guess her conscience hurt her for the way she had been carrying on in +Chicago, and so when she heard the basement of the church was being +frescoed, she invited the committee to hold the Wednesday evening prayer +meeting at our house. First, there were four people came, and Ma asked Pa +to stay to make up a quorum, and Pa said seeing he had two pair, he +guessed he would stay in, and if Ma would deal him a queen he would have a +full hand. I don't know what Pa meant, but he plays draw poker sometimes. +Anyway there was eleven people came including the minister, and after they +had talked about the neighbors a spell, and Ma had showed the women a new +tidy she had worked for the heathen, with a motto on it which Pa had +taught her: 'A contrite heart beats a bob-tailed flush,'--and Pa had +talked to the men about a religious silver mine he was selling stock in, +which he advised them as a friend to buy for the glory of the church, they +all went in the back parlor and the minister lead in prayer. He +got down on his knees right under the parrot's cage, and you'd a dide to +see Polly hang on to the wires of the cage with one foot, and drop an +apple core on the minister's head. Ma shook her handkerchief at Polly, and +looked sassy, and Polly got up on the perch, and as the minister got +warmed up and began to raise the roof, Polly said, 'O, dry up.' The +minister had his eyes shut, but he opened one of them a little and looked +at Pa. Pa was tickled at the parrot, but when the minister looked at Pa as +though it was him that was making irreverent remarks, Pa was mad. + +"The minister got to the 'amen,' and Polly shook hisself and said 'What +you giving us?' and the minister got up and brushed the bird seed off his +knees, and he looked mad. I thought Ma would sink with mortification, and +I was sitting on a piano stool looking as pious as a Sunday school +superintendent the Sunday before he skips out with the bank's funds; and +Ma looked at me as though she thought it was me that had been tampering +with the parrot. Gosh, I never said a word to that parrot, and I can prove +it by my chum. + +"Well, the minister asked one of the sisters if she wouldn't pray, and she +wasn't engaged, so she said with pleasure, and she kneeled down, but she +corked herself, cause she got one knee on a cast-iron dumb bell that I had +been practising with. She said 'O my,' in a disgusted sort of a way, and +then she began to pray for the reformation of the youth of the land, and +asked for the spirit to descend on the household, and particularly on the +boy that was such a care and anxiety to his parents, and just then Polly +said 'O, pull down your vest.' Well, you'd a dide to see that woman look +at me. The parrot cage was partly behind the window curtin, and they +couldn't see it, and she thought it was me. She looked at Ma as though she +was wondering why she didn't hit me with a poker, but she went on, and +Polly said 'wipe off your chin,' and then the lady got through +and got up, and told Ma it must be a great trial to have an idiotic child, +and then Ma she was mad, and said it wasn't half so bad as it was to be a +kleptomaniac, and then the woman got up and said she wouldn't stay no +longer, and Pa said to me to take that parrot outdoors, and that seemed to +make them all good natured again. Ma said to take the parrot and give it +to the poor. I took the cage and pointed my finger at the parrot and it +looked at the woman and said 'old catamaran,' and the woman tried to look +pious and resigned, but she couldn't. As I was going out the door the +parrot ruffed up his feathers and said 'Dammit, set 'em up,' and I hurried +out with the cage for fear he would say something bad, and the folks all +held up their hands and said it was scandalous. Say, I wonder if a parrot +can go to hell with the rest of the community. Well, I put the parrot in +the woodshed, and after they all had their innings, except Pa, who acted +as umpire, the meeting broke up, and Ma says it is the last time she will +have that gang at her house. + +"That must have been where your Pa got his black eye," said the grocery +man, as he charged the bunch of celery to the boy's Pa. "Did the minister +hit him, or was it one of the sisters?" + +"O, he didn't get his black eye at prayer meeting!" said the boy, as he +took his mittens off the stove, and rubbed them to take the stiffening +out. "It was from boxing. Pa told my chum and me that it was no harm to +learn to box, cause we could defend ourselves, and he said he used to be a +holy terror with the boxing gloves when he was a boy, and he has been +giving us lessons. Well, he is no slouch, now I tell you, and handles +himself pretty well for a church member. I read in the paper how Zack +Chandler played it on Conkling by getting Jem Mace, the prize fighter, to +knock him silly, and I asked Pa if he wouldn't let me bring a +poor boy who had no father to teach him boxing, to our house to learn to +box, and Pa said certainly, fetch him along. He said he would be glad to +do anything for a poor orphan. So I went down in the Third ward and got an +Irish boy by the name of Duffy, who can knock the socks off any boy in the +ward. He fit a prize fight once. It would have made you laugh to see Pa +telling him how to hold his hands and how to guard his face. He told Duffy +not to be afraid, but strike right out and hit for keeps. Duffy said he +was afraid Pa would get mad if he hit him, and Pa said, 'nonsense, boy, +knock me down if you can, and I will laugh ha! ha!' Well, Duffy he hauled +back and gave Pa one on the nose, and another in both eyes, and cuffed him +on the ear and punched him in the stomach, and lammed him in the mouth and +made his teeth bleed, and then he gave him a side winder in both eyes, and +Pa pulled off his boxing gloves and grabbed a chair, and we adjourned and +went down stairs as though there was a panic. I haven't seen Pa since. Was +his eye very black?" + +"Black, I should say so," said the grocery man. "And his nose seemed to be +trying to look into his left ear. He was at the market buying +beefsteak to put on it." + +"O, beefsteak is no account. I must go and see him and tell him that an +oyster is the best thing for a black eye. Well, I must go. A boy has a +pretty hard time running a house the way it should be run," and the boy +went out and hung up a sign in front of the grocery: "_Frowy Butter a +Speshulty_." + + +CHRISTMAS TREES. + +There is too much dress parade about Christmas. Too many Christmas trees +where rich children get club skates, and gold napkin rings, and poor +children get pop corn strung on a string, and cornucopias full of +peppermint candy. + + +THE BOB-TAILED BADGER. + +The last legislature, having nothing else to do, passed a law providing +for a change in the coat-of-arms of the State. There was no change +particularly, except to move the plows and shovels around a little, put on +a few more bars of pig lead, put a new-fashioned necktie on the sailor who +holds the rope, the emblem of lynch law, tuck the miner's breeches into +his boots a little further, and amputate the tail of the badger. We do not +care for the other changes, as they were only intended to give the +engraver a job, but when an irresponsible legislature amputates the tail +of the badger, the emblem of the Democratic party, that crawls into a hole +and pulls the hole in after him, it touches us in our patriotism. + +The badger, as nature made him, is a noble bird, and though he resembles a +skunk too much to be very proud of, they had no right to cut off his tail +and stick it up like a sore thumb. As it is now the new comer to our +Garden of Eden will not know whether our emblem is a Scotch terrier, +smelling into the archives of the State for a rat, or a defalcation, or a +_sic semper Americanus scunch_. We do not complain that the sailor with a +Pinafore shirt on, on the new coat-of-arms, is made to resemble Senator +Cameron, or that the miner looks like Senator Sawyer. These things are of +minor importance, but the docking of that badger's tail, and setting it up +like a bob-tail horse, is an outrage upon every citizen of the State, and +when the Democrats get into power, that tail shall be restored to its +normal condition if it takes all the blood and treasure in the State, and +this work of the Republican incendiaries shall be undone. The idea of +Wisconsin appearing among the galaxy of States with a bob-tailed badger is +repugnant to all our finer feelings. + + +TERROR IN CHURCH. + +A ridiculous scene occurred at Palmyra, the other day. The furnace in the +basement of the church is reached by a trap door, which is right beside +the pulpit. There was a new preacher there from abroad, and he did not +know anything about the trap door, and the sexton went down there to fix +the fire, before the new minister arrived. The minister had just got +warmed up in his sermon, and was picturing to his hearers hell in all its +heat. He had got excited and told of the lake of burning brimstone below, +where the devil was the stoker, and where the heat was ten thousand times +hotter than a political campaign, and where the souls of the wicked would +roast, and fry, and stew until the place froze over. + +Wiping the perspiration from his face, he said, pointing, to the floor, +"Ah, my friends, look down into that seething, burning lake, +and--" Just at this point the trap door raised a little, and the sexton's +face, with coal smut all over it, appeared. He wanted to come up and hear +the sermon. + +[Illustration: "AH, MY FRIENDS, LOOK DOWN INTO THAT BURNING LAKE!"] + +If hell had broke loose, the new minister could not have been more +astonished. He stepped back, grasped his manuscript, and was just about to +jump from the pulpit, when a deacon on the front seat said, "It's all +right, brother; he has only _been down below to see about the fire_." The +sexton came up and shut down the trap door, the color came back to the +face of the minister, and he went on, though the incident seemed to take +the tuck all out of him. + +A traveling man who happened to be at the church tells us that he knows +the minister was scared, for he sweat so that the perspiration run right +down on the carpet and made a puddle as though a dipper of water had been +tipped over there. The minister says he was not scared, but we don't see +how he could help it. + + +FISH HATCHING IN WISCONSIN. + +I would suggest that you permit the subject of the artificial hatching of +fish to engage your attention, and that you appropriate several dollars to +purchase whale's eggs, vegetable oysters and mock turtle seeds. The +hatching of fish is easy, and any man can soon learn it; and it is a +branch of industry that many who are now out of employment, owing to +circumstances beyond their control, will be glad to avail themselves of. +How, I ask you, could means better be adapted to the ends than for the +retiring officers of our State to go to setting on fish eggs? + + +TRAINS WITHOUT CONDUCTORS. + +Since the introduction of the patent air brake on passenger trains, by +which brakemen have been dispensed with, a number of patent right men have +been studying up some contrivance to do away with conductors. All have +failed except one, and that fortunate inventor is Col. Johnson, of the +Railroad Eating House, Milwaukee. He has been engaged for two years on +this patent, and has got it so near completed that he has filed a caveat +at the Patent Office, and as his rights are secured, it can do no harm to +describe the invention, as it is destined to work quite a revolution in +the railroad business. It has been Col. Johnson's idea that an arrangement +could be made so that an engineer of a train could have the whole train +under his charge, to stop it, start it, collect fares, and bounce +impecunious passengers, from his position on the engine, and do it all by +steam, wind and water. A series of pneumatic tubes run from the door of +each car to the engine, with speaking tubes. A passenger gets on the +platform, and through the speaking tube asks the engineer what the fare is +to such a place. The answer is returned, the fare is put in the hopper of +the pneumatic tube, it goes to the engineer, he pulls a string, the door +flies open and the passenger enters. Not the least important part of the +machinery is the patent "aeolian bouncer," as it is called. A pair of ice +tongs are placed so as to grasp the passenger by the seat of the pants or +the polonaise, as the case may be, when he or she gets on the platform. +These tongs are connected with the air brakes, in such a manner that by +the engineer's touching a spring the whole force of the compressed air +takes possession of the tongs, and the passenger is snatched bald-headed, +metaphorically speaking. For instance, a passenger gets on the platform at +Portage, and the ice tongs grasp him or her securely. If he or she pays +the fare, the door is opened, the tongs release their hold, and +the person is allowed to enter. But if the engineer should find that they +had no money, or that their pass had run out, and they were trying to beat +their way, he would pull the string and they would be lifted back on the +depot steps and stood on their heads, raised in the air and made to see +stars. Col. Johnson has been offered a fabulous sum for his patent, but he +has not decided whether to sell or lease it. A trial trip was made at +Milwaukee, the other day, and though the machine was not perfect, the +experiment was not altogether a failure. A car was arranged with the +apparatus, and went out to the Soldier's Home. Col. Johnson and a number +of prominent railroad men were on board. They got a veteran soldier and a +Polack waman to allow the machine to experiment on them. The machine took +hold of the soldier and the engineer jerked. The man had one leg torn off, +and the seat of his overcoat was ruined. He wouldn't try again, so they +let the woman step on the platform. The engineer turned it the wrong way, +and the car seemed full of compressed air, and a smell of limberger cheese +pervaded the premises. When the smoke cleared off the woman was not to be +found. After voting the machine a success the party started for Milwaukee. +On nearing the city a pair of wooden shoes were seen in the air coming +down, and they lit in the the canal by the tannery. A pair of corsets +struck on Plankinton's packing house, and sections of spinal cord, and one +leg of a pair of red drawers came down on the Soldier's home, and hair was +found on the top of the car. It is thought the engineer loaded the air +bouncer too heavy, and that it kicked. However, Col. Johnson was not +discouraged, and will soon have his patent on all cars. The husband of the +Polack woman wanted Johnson to pay him three dollars, but he said he +didn't want to buy the woman. All he wanted was to hire her, anyway. Col. +Johnson is a great inventor. It was he that invented the stomach +pump, and the automatic candle enunciator, for awakening guests in the +night to take early trains. The latter he sold to Mr. Williams, of Prairie +du Chien, for a large amount and took his pay in trade. + + +RAISING ELEPHANTS. + +Why not go to raising elephants? A good elephant will sell for eight +thousand dollars. A pair of elephants can be bought by a community of +farmers pooling their issues and getting a start, and in a few years every +farm can be a menagerie of it own, and every year we can rake in from +eight to twenty-four thousand dollars from the sale of surplus elephants. +It may be said that elephants are hearty feeders, and that they would go +through an ordinary farmer in a short time. Well, they can be turned out +into the highway to browse, and earn their own living. This elephant +theory is a good one, and any man that is good on figures can sit down and +figure up a profit in a year sufficient to go into bankruptcy. + + +THE POWER OF ELOQUENCE. + +A justice of the peace at Menasha, wanted to kill Pratt, the editor of the +_Press_. The matter has been compromised, however. Pratt got the justice +cornered up, and delivered one of the speeches to him that he delivered +during the campaign last fall, and the justice got on his knees and said, +"Pratt, this thing is all right, I surrender." + + +A TRYING SITUATION. + +It was along in the winter, and the prominent church members were having a +business meeting in the basement of the church to devise ways and means to +pay for the pulpit furniture. The question of an oyster sociable had been +decided, and they got to talking about oysters, and one old deaconess +asked a deacon if he didn't think raw oysters would go further at a +sociable, than stewed oysters. + +[Illustration: THE WANDERING OYSTER.] + +He said he thought raw oysters would go further, but they wouldn't be as +satisfying. And then he went on to tell how far a raw oyster went once +with him. He said he was at a swell dinner party with a lady on each side +of him, and he was trying to talk to both of them, or carry on two +conversations, on two different subjects at the same time. + +They had some shell oysters, and he took up one on a fork--a +large, fat one--and was about to put it in his mouth, when the lady on his +left called his attention, and when the cold fork struck his teeth, and no +oyster on it, he felt as though it had escaped, but he made no sign. He +went on talking with the lady as though nothing had happened. He glanced +down at his shirt bosom, and was at once on the trail of the oyster, +though the insect had got about two minutes start of him. It had gone down +his vest under the waistband of his clothing, and he was powerless to +arrest its progress. + +He said he never felt how powerless he was until he tried to grab that +oyster by placing his hand on his person, outside his clothes; then, as +the oyster slipped around from one place to another, he felt that man was +only a poor, weak creature. + +The oyster, he observed, had very cold feet, and the more he tried to be +calm and collected, the more the oyster seemed to walk around among his +vitals. + +He says he does not know whether the ladies noticed the oyster when it +started on its travels or not, but he thought, as he leaned back and tried +to loosen up his clothing, so it would hurry down toward his shoes, that +they winked at each other, though they might have been winking at +something else. + +The oyster seemed to be real spry until it got out of reach, and then it +got to going slow as the slikery covering wore off, and by the time it had +worked into his trousers leg, it was going very slow, though it remained +cold to the last, and he hailed the arrival of that oyster into the heel +of his stocking with more delight than he did the raising of the American +flag over Vicksburg, after the long siege. + + +THE GIDDY GIRLS QUARREL. + +A dispatch from Brooklyn states that at the conclusion of a performance at +the theatre, Fanny Davenport's wardrobe was attached by Anna Dickinson and +the remark is made that Fanny will contest the matter. Well, we should +think she would. What girl would sit down silently and allow another to +attach her wardrobe without contesting? It is no light thing for an +actress to have her wardrobe attached after the theatre is out. Of course +Fanny could throw something over her, a piece of scenery, or a curtain, +and go to her hotel, but how would she look? Miss Davenport always looked +well with her wardrobe on, but it may have been all in the wardrobe. +Without a wardrobe she may look very plain and unattractive. + +Anna Dickinson has done very wrong. She has struck Fanny in a vital part. +An actress with a wardrobe is one of the noblest works of nature. She is +the next thing to an honest man, which is the noblest work, though we do +not say it boastingly. We say she is next to an honest man, with a +wardrobe, but if she has no wardrobe it is not right. However, we will +change the subject before it gets too deep for us. + +Now, the question is, what is Anna Dickinson going to do with Fanny's +wardrobe? She may think Fanny's talent goes with it, but if she will +carefully search the pockets she will find that Fanny retains her talent, +and has probably hid it under a bushel, or an umbrella, or something, +before this time. Anna cannot wear Fanny's wardrobe to play on the stage, +because she is not bigger than a banana, while Fanny is nearly six feet +long, from tip to tip. If Anna should come out on a stage with the +Davenport wardrobe, the boys would throw rolls of cotton batting at her. + +Fanny's dress, accustomed to so much talent, would have to be +stuffed full of stuff. There would be room enough in Fanny's dress, if +Anna had it on, as we remember the two, to put in a feather bed, eleven +rolls of cotton batting, twelve pounds of bird seed, four rubber air +cushions, two dozen towels, two brass bird cages, a bundle of old papers, +a sack of bran and a bale of hay. That is, in different places. Of course +all this truck wouldn't go in the dress in any one given locality. If Anna +should put on Fanny's dress, and have it filled up so it would look any +way decent, and attempt to go to Canada, she would be arrested for +smuggling. + +Why, if Dickinson should put on a pair of Davenport's stockings, now for +instance, it would be necessary to get out a search warrant to find her. +She could pin the tops of them at her throat with a brooch, and her whole +frame would not fill one stocking half as well as they have been filled +before being attached, and Anna would look like a Santa Claus present of a +crying doll, hung on to a mantel piece. + +Fanny Davenport is one of the handsomest and splendidest formed women on +the American stage, and a perfect lady, while Dickinson, who succeeds to +her old clothes through the law, is small, not handsome, and a quarrelsome +female who thinks she has a mission. The people of this country had rather +see Fanny Davenport without any wardrobe to speak of than to see Dickinson +with clothes enough to start a second hand store. + + +THE UNIVERSAL OBJECT. + +The object that every man has in view, whether he be farmer, mechanic, +preacher, editor, or tramp, is to make money. + + +THE MISTAKE ABOUT IT. + +There is nothing that is more touching than the gallantry of men, total +strangers, to a lady who has met with an accident. Any man who has a heart +in him, who sees a lady whose apparel has become disarranged in such a +manner that she cannot see it, will, though she be a total stranger, tell +her of her misfortune, so she can fix up and not be stared at. But +sometimes these efforts to do a kindly action are not appreciated, and men +get fooled. + +This was illustrated at Watertown last week. People have no doubt noticed +that one of the late fashions among women is to wear at the bottom of the +dress a strip of red, which goes clear around. To the initiated it looks +real nice, but a man who is not posted in the fashions would swear that +the woman's petticoat was dropping off, and if she was not notified, and +allowed to fix it, she would soon be in a terrible fix on the street. + +It was a week ago Monday that a lady from Oshkosh was at Watertown on a +visit, and she wore a black silk dress with a red strip on the bottom. As +she walked across the bridge Mr. Calvin Cheeney, a gentleman whose heart +is in the right place, saw what he supposed would soon be a terrible +accident, which would tend to embarrass the lady, so he stepped up to her +in the politest manner possible, took off his hat and said: + +"Excuse me, madame, but I think your wearing apparel is becoming +disarranged. You might step right into Clark's, here, and fix it," and he +pointed to the bottom of her dress. + +She gave him a look which froze his blood, and shaking her dress out she +went on. He said it was the last time he would ever try to help a woman in +distress. + +She sailed along down to a grocery store and stopped to look at some +grapes, when the practiced eye of Hon. Peter Brook saw that +something was wrong. To think is to act with Peter, and he at once said: + +"Miss, your petticoat seems to be dropping off. You can go in the store +and get behind that box of codfish and fix it if you want to." + +Now that was a kind thing for Peter to do, and an act that any gentleman +might be proud of, but he was amazed at her when she told him to mind his +own business, and she would attend to her own petticoat, and she marched +off just a trifle mad. + +She went into the postoffice to mail a postal card, just as Mr. Moak, the +postmaster, came out of his private office with Hon. L.B. Caswell, the +congressman. Mr. Moak, without the aid of his glasses, saw that there was +liable to be trouble, so he asked Caswell to excuse him a moment, and +turning to the delivery window where she was asking the clerk what time +the mail came in, he said: + +"I beg a thousand pardons, madame. It ill becomes a stranger to speak to +one so fair without an introduction, but I believe that I am not violating +the civil service rules laid down by Mr. Hayes for the guidance of +postmasters when I tell you, lady, that something has broke loose and that +the red garment that you fain would hide from the gaze of the world has +asserted itself and appears to the naked eye about two chains and three +links below your dress. I am going abroad, to visit Joe Lindon, the +independent candidate for sheriff, and you can step into the back office +and take a reef in it." + +He did not see the look of fire in her eyes as he went out, because he was +not looking at her eye. She passed out, and Doc Spaulding, who has got a +heart in him as big as a box car, saw it, and touching his broad brimmed +felt hat he said, in a whisper: + +"Madame, you better drop into a millinery store and fasten up your--" + +But she passed him on a run, and was just going into a hardware +store, with her hand on her pistol pocket, when Jule Keyes happened along. +Now, Jule would consider himself a horse thief if he should allow a woman +to go along the street with anything the matter with her clothes, and he +not warn her of the consequences, so he stopped and told her that she must +excuse him, a perfect stranger, for mentioning her petticoat, but the fact +was that it was coming off. + +[Illustration: MYSTERY OF A WOMAN'S CLOTHES!] + +By this time the woman was mad. She bought a pistol and started for the +depot, firmly resolved to kill the first man that molested her. She did +not meet anybody until she arrived at the Junction, and she sat down in +the depot to rest before the train came. + +Pierce, the hotel man, is one of the most noticin' persons anywhere, and +she hadn't been seated a York minute before his eye caught the discrepancy +in her apparel. + +He tried to get the telegraph operator and the expressman to go +and tell her about it, but they wouldn't, so he went and took a seat near +her. + +"It is a warm day, madame," said Pierce, looking at the red strip at the +bottom of her dress. + +She drew her pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at Pierce, who was +trembling in every leg, and said: + +"Look-a-here, you young cuss. I have had half a dozen grown persons down +town tell me my petticoat was coming off, and I have stood it because I +thought they were old enough to know what they were talking about, but +when it comes to boys of your age coming around thinking they know all +about women's clothes it is too much, and the shooting is going to +commence." + +Mr. Pierce made one bound and reached the door, and then got behind a +white greyhound and waited for her to go away, which she soon did. As she +was stepping on the car the conductor, Jake Sazerowski, said to her: + +"Your apparel, madame, seems to be demoralized," but she rushed into the +car, and was seen no more. + +Since then these gentlemen have all learned that the fashion calls for a +red strip at the bottom of a dress, and they will make no more mistakes. +But they were all serious enough, and their interference was prompted by +pure kindness of heart, and not from any wicked thoughts. + + +A NEW SPARKING SCHEME. + +A number of fathers who have daughters, have formed a society, the object +of which is to charge young men who visit the girls, for meals, gas, wear +and tear of furniture, etc. There has been so much sparking going on which +did not mean business, that the organization has seemed necessary. + + +EFFECTS OF MINERAL WATER. + +A woman from Milwaukee, stopping at Sparta for the summer, had a serious +accident the other day. She had her dress pinned back so tight that the +exclamation point where she was vaccinated on the left arm was plainly +visible, and as she stooped over at the artesian well to dip up a cup full +of physic, a little dog belonging to a lady from Pilot Knob took hold of +her striped stocking and shook it, thinking it was a blue racer. The lady +was overcome with heat and sank down on the damp ground, and the result +was congestion of the dog, for when she got up she kicked that dog over +the Court house and sprained her stocking. It is said that beautiful and +healthful summer resort is fast filling up and everybody swears it is the +most enjoyable place on the continent. It is certainly the cheapest for us +La Crosse folks to go. We don't know of a place where, for the money +invested, one can have so much fun and get so much health. You can leave +La Crosse at 5:45, and arrive at Sparta at 6:20, after a delightful ride +of thirty miles, and you will enjoy a race, your train beating the +Northwestern train, and running like lightning. If you have a pass, or sit +on the hind platform, it will cost you nothing. You can walk down town, at +small expense. You want to take supper before leaving home, if economy is +what you are seeking in addition to health. Go to Condit, at the Warner +House, and talk as though you were looking for a place to send your +family, and he will hitch up and drive you all over town. Tell Doc. +Nichols you never tried a Turkish bath, but that you are troubled with +hypochondria and often wish you were dead, and that if you were sure the +baths would help you, you would come down and take them regular. He will +put you through for nothing, and give you a cigar. Then you can get a +tooth pick at Condit's and put your thumb under your vest and go to the +springs and talk loud about railroad stocks and bonds and speculating in +wheat. (It takes two to do it up right. Frank Hatch and the writer are +going down some night to "do" the watering place). Then you can swell +around till half past ten, and sneak off to the depot on foot and come +home, and your pocket book will be just as empty as when you started, +unless you get a subscriber, and you will have added bloom to your cheek, +and had a high old time, and next winter you can talk about the delightful +time you passed at Sparta last summer during the heated term. + +Let's get up a party and go down some night. + + +WHAT THE COUNTRY NEEDS. + +What the country needs is a melon from which the incendiary ingredients +have been removed. It seems to me that by proper care, when the melon is +growing on the vines, the cholera morbus can be decreased, at least, the +same as the cranberry has been improved, by cultivation. The experiment of +planting homeopathic pills in the hill with the melon has been tried, but +homeopathy, while perhaps good in certain cases, does not seem to reach +the seat of disease in the watermelon. What I would advise, and the advice +is free to all, is that a porous plaster be placed upon watermelons, just +as they are begining to ripen, with a view to draw out the cholera morbus. +A mustard plaster might have the same effect, but the porous plaster seems +to me to be the article to fill a want long felt. If, by this means, a +breed of watermelon can be raised that will not strike terror to the heart +of the consumer, this agricultural address will not have been delivered in +vain. + + +THE MAN FROM DUBUQUE. + +Last week, a young man from the country west of here came in on the +evening train and walked up to Grand avenue, with a fresh looking young +woman hanging on to one handle of a satchel while he held the other. They +turned into the Plankinton House, and with a wild light in his eye the man +went to the book and registered his name and that of the lady with him. + +While the clerk was picking out a couple of rooms that were near together, +the man looked around at the colored man who had the satchel, and as the +clerk said, "Show the gentleman to No 65 and the lady to 67," he said, +"Hold on, 'squire! One room will do." + +On being shown to the room, the bridegroom came right out with the bell +boy and appeared at the office. Picking out a benevolent looking +gentleman, with a good place to raise hair on his head, who was behind the +counter, the groom said: + +"Say, can a man enjoy religion in this house?" + +Mr. White said a man could if he brought it with him. They had none on +hand to issue out to guests, but they never interfered with those who had +it when they arrived. + +"Why," says the manager of the house, "has anybody interfered with your +devotions here?" + +"No, not here," said the man, wiping his forehead with a red handkerchief. +"But they have at Dubuque. I'll tell you how it was. I was married a +couple of days ago, and night before last I put up at a Dubuque hotel. My +wife never had been married before any at all, and she is timid, and +thinks everybody is watching us, and making fun of us! She jumps at the +slightest sound. + +"Well, we went to our room in the afternoon, and she began to cry, and +said if she wasn't married she never would be the longest day she +lived. I sort of put my arm around her, and was just telling her that +everybody had to get married, when there was a knock on the door, and she +jumped more than thirty feet. + +"You see that finger. Well, a pin in her belt stuck clear through, and +came near making me faint away. I held my finger in my mouth, and telling +her the house was not on fire, I went to the door and there was a porter +there who wanted to know if I wanted any more coal on the fire. I drove +him away, and sat down in a big rocking chair with my wife in my lap, and +was stroking her hair and telling her that if she would forgive me for +marrying I never would do so again, and trying to make her feel more at +home, when there came another knock at the door, and she jumped clear +across the room and knocked over a water pitcher. + +"This seal ring on my finger caught in her frizzes and I'll be cussed if +the whole top of her head didn't come off. I was a little flurried and +went to the door, and a chambermaid was there with an armful of towels and +she handed me a couple and went off. My wife came into camp again, and +began to cry and accuse me of pulling her hair, when I went up to her and +put my arm around her waist, and was just going to kiss her, just as any +man would be justified in kissing his wife under the circumstances, when +she screamed murder and fell against the bureau. + +"I looked around and the door had opened, and there was a colored man +coming into the room with a kerosene lamp, and he chuckled and said he +begged my pardon. Now, I am a man that don't let my temper get away with +me, but as it was three hours before dark I didn't see what was the use of +a lamp, and I told him to get out of there. Before 6 o'clock that evening +there had been twenty raps at the door, and we got sick. My wife said she +would not stay in that house for a million dollars. So we started for +Milwaukee. + +[Illustration: AN INTRUSIVE NIGGER.] + +"I tried to get a little sleep on the cars, but every little while a +conductor would wake me up and roll me over in the seat to look at my +ticket, and brakemen would run against my legs in the aisle of the car, +and shout the names of stations till I was sorry I ever left home. Now, I +want to have rest and quietude. Can I have it here?" + +The manager told him to go to his room, and if he wanted any coal or ice +water to ring for it, and if anybody knocked at his door without being +sent for, to begin shooting bullets through the door. That settled it, and +when the parties returned to Iowa they said this country was a mighty +sight different from Dubuque. + + +A PLEA FOR THE BULL HEAD. + +The late meeting of the State Fish Commissioners at Milwaukee was an +important event, and the discussions the wise men indulged in will be +valuable additions to the literature of the country, and future readers of +profane history will rise up and call them blessed. It seems that the +action of the Milwaukee common council in withdrawing the use of the water +works from the commissioners, will put a stop to the hatching of +whitefish. This is as it should be. The white fish is an aristocratic +bird, that will not bite a hook, and the propagation of this species of +fish is wholly in the interest of wealthy owners of fishing tugs, who have +nets. By strict attention to business they can catch all the whitefish out +of the lake a little faster than the State machine can put them in. Poor +people cannot get a smell of whitefish. The same may be said of brook +trout. While they will bite a hook, it requires more machinery to catch +them than ordinary people can possess without mortgaging a house. A man +has got to have a morocco book of expensive flies, a fifteen dollar bamboo +jointed rod, a three dollar trout basket with a hole mortised in the top, +a corduroy suit made in the latest style, top boots of the Wellington +pattern, with red tassels in the straps, and a flask of Otard brandy in a +side pocket. Unless a man is got up in that style, a speckled trout will +see him in Chicago, first, and then it won't bite. The brook trout is even +more aristocratic than the whitefish, and should not be propagated at +public expense. + +But there are fish that should be propagated in the interest of the +people. There is a species of fish that never looks at the clothes of the +man who throws in the bait, a fish that takes whatever is thrown to it, +and when once hold of the hook never tries to shake a friend, but submits +to the inevitable, crosses its legs and says "Now I lay me," and +comes out on the bank and seems to enjoy being taken. It is a fish that is +a friend of the poor, and one that will sacrifice itself in the interest +of humanity. This is the fish that the State should adopt as its trade +mark, and cultivate friendly relations with, and stand by. We allude to +the bullhead. + +The bullhead never went back on a friend. To catch the bullhead it is not +necessary to tempt his appetite with porter house steak, or to display an +expensive lot of fishing tackle. A pin hook, a piece of liver, and a +cistern pole, is all the capital required to catch a bullhead. He lays +upon the bottom of a stream or pond in the mud, thinking. There is no fish +that does more thinking or has a better head for grasping great questions, +or chunks of liver than the bullhead. His brain is large, his heart beats +for humanity, and if he can't get liver, a piece of a tin tomato can will +make a meal for him. It is an interesting study to watch a boy catch a +bullhead. The boy knows where the bullhead congregates, and when he throws +in his hook it is dollars to buttons that "in the near future" he will get +a bite. The bullhead is democratic in all its instincts. If the boy's +shirt is sleeveless, his hat crownless, and his pants a bottomless pit, +the bullhead will bite just as well as though the boy is dressed in purple +and fine linen, with knee breeches and plaid stockings. The bull head +seems to be dozing--bulldozing we might say--on the muddy bottom, and a +stranger might say that he would not bite. But wait. There is a movement +of his continuation, and his cow-catcher moves gently toward the piece of +liver. He does not wait to smell of it, and canvas in his mind whether the +liver is fresh. It makes no difference to him. He argues that here is a +family out of meat. "My country calls and I must go," says the bullhead to +himself, and he opens his mouth and the liver disappears. + +It is not certain that the boy will think of his bait for half an +hour, but the bullhead is in no hurry. He lays in the mud and proceeds to +digest the liver. He realizes that his days will not be long in the land, +or water, more properly speaking, and he argues if he swallows the bait +and digests it before the boy pulls him out, he will be just so much +ahead. Finally the boy thinks of his bait, and pulls it out, and the +bullhead is landed on the bank, and the boy cuts him open to get the hook +out. Some fish only take the bait gingerly, and are only caught around the +selvage of the mouth, and they are comparatively easy to dislodge. Not so +with the bullhead. He says if liver is a good thing you can't have too +much of it, and it tastes good all the way down. The boy gets down on his +knees to dissect the bullhead, and get his hook, and it may be that the +boy swears. It would not be astonishing, though he must feel, when he gets +his hook out of the hidden recesses of the bullhead, like the minister +that took up a collection and didn't get a cent, though he expressed his +thanks at getting his hat back. There is one drawback to the bullhead, and +that is his horns. We doubt if a boy ever descended into the patent +insides of a bullhead, to mine for Limerick hooks, that did not, before +his work was done, run a horn into his vital parts. But the boy seems to +expect it, and the bullhead enjoys it. We have seen a bullhead lay on the +bank and become dry, and to all appearances dead to all that was going on, +and when the boy sat down on him and got a horn in his elbow, and yelled +murder, the bullhead would grin from ear to ear, and wag his tail as +though applauding for an _end core_. + +The bullhead never complains. We have seen a boy take a dull knife and +proceed to follow a fish line down a bullhead from his head to the end of +his subsequent anatomy, and all the time there would be an expression of +sweet peace on the countenance of the bullhead, as though he +enjoyed it. If we were preparing a picture representing "Resignation," for +a chromo to give to subscribers, and wished to represent a scene of +suffering in which the sufferer was light hearted, and seemed to recognize +that all was for the best, we should take for the subject a bullhead, with +a boy searching with a knife for a long lost fish hook. + +The bullhead is a fish that has no scales, but in lieu thereof is a fine +India rubber skin, that is as far ahead of fiddle string material for +strength and durability as possible. The meat of the bullhead is not as +choice as that of the mackerel, but it fills up a stomach just as well, +and the _Sun_ insists that the fish commissioners shall drop the hatching +of aristocratic fish and give the bullhead a chance. There's millions in +it. + + +WHY NOT RAISE WOLVES? + +You devote a good deal of time and labor to the raising of sheep, and what +do you get for it. The best sheep cannot lay more than eight pounds of +wool in a season, and even if you get fifty cents a pound for it, you have +not got any great bonanza. Now, the state encourages the raising of +wolves, by offering a bounty of ten dollars for a piece of skin off the +head of each wolf. It does not cost any more to raise a wolf than it does +to raise a sheep, and while sheep rarely raise more than two lambs a year, +a pair of good wolves are liable to raise twenty young ones in the course +of a year, if it is a good year for wolves. In addition to the +encouragement offered by the state, many counties give as much more, so +that one wolf scalp will bring more money than five sheep. You will +readily see that our wise legislators are offering inducements to you that +you should be thankful for. You can establish a wolf orchard on any farm, +and with a pair of good wolves to start on, there is millions in it. + + +THE SUDDEN FIRE-WORKS AT RACINE. + +One of those Fourth of July accidents that are always looked for but +seldom occur, happened at Racine, Monday night, which struck terror to the +hearts and other portions of the bodies of many eminent citizens, and that +none were killed we can all thank Providence, who tempers the fire-works +to the sweaty citizen in his shirt sleeves. The enterprizing citizens had +contributed a large sum of money, which had been judiciously expended in +all kinds of fire-works, and one side of the public square was given up to +the display. + +Thousands of citizens had gathered there, from city and country, and +bright Roman candles shone o'er fair men and brave women, and sixteen +thousand nine hundred and twelve hearts beat happy, while music arose with +its voluptuous swell, and soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again, +or words to that effect. At least that was what a young fellow from Racine +told us, who was here to see a specialist to have a splinter from a rocket +stick removed from his ear. + +A few pieces had been shot off, a few bunches of crackers had had their +tails tied together and been hung over a wire clothes line, like cats, to +fight it out, and the crowd was holding its breath for the next boom, when +there was an explosion; the earth seemed to tremble, and the air was full +of all kinds of fire-works. The whole supply of fire-works had become +ignited, and were blowing off where they listeth, without regard to +anybody's feelings. + +The crowd became panic stricken, and there never was another such a scene, +and never will be until the last great day, when a few thousand people +suddenly find that they have got into hell, by mistake, when they thought +they were ticketed through to the other place. It was perfectly awful. +Prominent citizens who usually display great pluck, became fearfully +rattled. + +A man named Martindale, a railroad man who weighs over two +hundred pounds, was standing near a telegraph pole, and as the firing +commenced he climbed up the pole as easy as a squirrel would climb a tree, +and when it was over they had to get a fire ladder to get him down; as his +pants had got caught over the glass telegraph knob, and he had forgotten +the combination, and besides he said he didn't want to take off his +clothes up there and come down, even if it _was_ dark, because it would be +just his luck to have some one fire off a Roman candle when he got down. + +[Illustration: MARTINDALE CLIMBS A POLE.] + +The Hon. Norton J. Field was another man who lost his nerve. He was +explaining to some ladies one of the pieces that was to be fired off, +which was an allegorical picture representing the revolution, when the +whole business blew up. He thought at the time, that the explosion was in +the programme, and was just reassuring the ladies, by telling them it +reminded him of battle scenes he had witnessed when he was on the military +committee in the assembly, when he noticed a girl near him whose polonaise +had caught fire, and he rushed up to her, caught her by the dress, +intending, with his cool hands, to put out the fire. + +The girl felt some one feeling, as she supposed, for her pocket-book, and +she started to run, yelling, "pickpocket," and left the burning polonaise +in Mr. Field's hands. He blushed, and was about to explain to his lady +friends how the best of us are liable to have our motives misconstrued, +when somebody threw a box of four dozen of those large firecrackers right +at his feet, and they were all on fire. Ten of them exploded at once, and +he grabbed the polonaise in one hand and his burning coat tail in the +other, and started west on a run. + +The steward of the Gideon's Band Club House, at Burlington, said he +arrived there at daylight on the morning of the 5th, and he still held the +pieces of dress, but the whole back of his coat was burned off, and the +suspenders just held by a thread. He said the comet struck the earth at +Racine, at 9:30 the night before, and knocked the town into the lake, and +he and another fellow were all that escaped. + +The narrowest escape was that of young Mr. Oberman. He is a small man, all +except his heart and feet, and when the air began to fill with patriotic +missiles, he started to run. On passing the _News_ office he had to jump +over an old coal stove that stood there, and while he was in the air, six +feet from the sidewalk, a sky rocket stick passed through his coat tail +and pinned him to the building, where he hung suspended, while other +rocket sticks were striking all around him, Roman candle colored balls +were falling on his unprotected head, etc. and one of these nigger chasers +that run all over the ground, climbed up the side of the building and +tried to get in his pants pocket. + +Mr. Oberman begged Mr. Wright, the postmaster, to cut him down, but Mr. +Wright, who was using both hands and his voice trying to disengage a +package of pin-wheels from the back portion of his coat, which were on +fire and throwing out colored sparks, said he hadn't got time, as he was +going down to the river to take a sitz bath for his health. + +The man that keeps the hotel next door to the _News_ office came out with +a pail of water, yelled "fire," and threw the water on Mr. Curt Treat's +head. Mr. Treat was very much vexed, and told the hotel man if he couldn't +tell the difference between an auburn haired young man and a pin-wheel, +he'd better go and hire somebody that could. Friends of Mr. Treat say that +he would be justified in going into the hotel and ordering a bottle of +pop, and then refusing to pay for it, as the water took all the starch out +of his shirt. + +Those who saw the explosion say it was one of the most magnificent, yet +awful and terrible sights ever witnessed, and the only wonder is that +somebody was not hurt. What added to the terror of the scene was when they +went to the artesian well to get water to put out the fire and found that +the well had ceased flowing. On investigation they found that Mr. Sage, +the assembly man, had crawled into the pipe. + +By the way, Mr. Oberman finally got down from his terrible position by the +aid of the editor of the _Journal_, to whom Mr. Oberman promised coal +enough to run his engine for a year. Very few men displayed any coolness +except Mr. Treat and Mr. Sage. + + +LA CROSSE NEBECUDNEZZER WATER. + +It is the great ambition of our life to bring to the notice of the people +of the world the curative powers of the La Crosse water, that all who may +be suffering from any disease, however complicated, may be cured, and all +men may become healthy, and women too, and doctors will have to go out +harvesting. The La Crosse artesian well, was begun last fall, and +completed as soon as the contractor found he couldn't make any money at +it. It was rumored that he struck granite, and in fact several little +specks of granite were found in the stuff that come from the hole, but it +is pretty generally believed now that the granite particles got in from +the top, unknown to the contractor. The water came to within ten feet of +the surface, and struck. It never would come any further, and the world +would have remained in ignorance of its curative powers, only for Powers, +who put in a hydraulic ram, and the blockade was broken, the water now +flows to the surface, and all is well. + +Attention was first called to the curative powers of the water, by a +singular incident. A teamster whose duty it was to haul stone, was in the +habit of stopping at the well to water his mules. One of the mules was in +a sad state. He was blind in one eye, had a spavin, a ringbone, the +heaves, his liver was torpid, his lungs were badly affected, and his +friends feared that he was not long for the stone quarry. He had no +family. Soon after the mule began to drink the water, the driver noticed a +great change come over him. Previously he had seemed resigned to his fate, +but latterly he was ambitious. One day while playfully mashing the mule +over the head with a sled stake, the driver noticed that a new eye had +grown in the place of the former cavity, and as the mule kicked him with +more than his accustomed vigor, he noticed that the spavin and ring bone +were gone, and the former plaintive melody of his voice gave +place to a bray that resembled the whistle of the Alex. Mitchell. When it +was known that the mule had been cured, others tried the water, men who +had never drank it before, until to-day there are thousands who will +testify to the benefits arising from its use. We could give the names of +many who have been snatched from the grave--the La Crosse water is a +regular body snatcher--but we will first give an analysis of the water. + +Believing that the water was destined to play a prominent part in solving +the great question of how to euchre death, we sent a quantity of it to the +eminent Prof. Alonzo Brown, M.D.V.S. of Jefferson, Wis., with a letter of +transmittal authorizing him to analyze it thoroughly, and give us the +result, at our expense. The following is Prof. Brown's analysis: + +LABRATORY JEFFERSON LIVERY STABLE, +August 3, 1877. + +Lieut. GEO. W. PECK, +4th Wis. Cavalry, + +Dear Sir: + +Yours of July 25th, received. I should have attended to the water before, +but have had several cases of blind staggers in my barn, which has kept me +busy. I have examined the water by every process known to science, and +pronounce it bully. I took it apart at my leisure, and find that it +contains to one U.S. washtub full, of 741 cubic inches, the following +stuff: + + Chloride, of Sodium, (common salt).............2 sacks. + Chloride of Pilgarlic.....................40,021 grains. + Bicarbonate of erysipelas.................11,602 " + Bicarbonate of pie plant...................2,071 " + Blue pills................................21,011 " + Bicarbonate of soda water (vanilla.)......17,201 " + Sulphate of Potasalager beer..............61,399 " + Bicarbonate corrugated iron...............18,020 grains. + Mustang Liniment.............................240 " + Boneset and summer savory.................10,210 " + Dow's Liver Cure, (6 bottles for $1.).....16,297 " + Bromide of Alcock's Porous Plaster........22,222 " + Flouride of Pain Killer (for cucumbers,).....055 " + Paris green..................................001 " + Spruce gum and Vinegar Bitters...............075 " + +In submitting this analysis permit me to say that I find traces of mock +turtle soup, and India Rubber. I consider the La Crosse Nebecudnezzer +water the most comprehensive water that I have ever analyzed, and I would +recommend it for any disease that human beings or animals may have. + +Very Respectfully, + +ALONZO BROWN, + +Prof. of Chemistry in Jefferson Livery stable, and late Veterinary Surgeon +4th Wis. Cavalry. + + * * * * * + +We have known Mr. Brown long and well, and his statement in regard to the +water can be relied upon. Citizens should retain a copy of this analysis +for future reference. + +Mr. E.W. Keyes, of Madison, writing under date of August 1st, says: "The +La Crosse water you sent me has caused an entire new crop of hair to grow +upon my head. I had been bald for years, and offered five hundred dollars, +for any medicine that would cause hair to grow. Enclosed find five hundred +dollars, and send me more water. I want to try it on Murphey, of the +Sentinel. I think it would be a good joke on Murphey." + +But wait till we get all the letters written from prominent men who have +been cured. + + +THE INFIDEL AND HIS SILVER MINE. + +It is announced in the papers that Colonel Ingersoll, the dollar-a-ticket +infidel, has struck it rich in a silver mine, and is now worth a million +dollars. Here is another evidence of the goodness of God. Ingersoll has +treated God with the greatest contempt, called him all the names he could +think of, called him a liar, a heartless wretch, and stood on a stump and +dared God to knock a chip off his shoulder, and instead of God's letting +him have one below the belt and knocking seven kinds of cold victuals out +of him, God gives him a pointer on a silver mine, and the infidel rakes in +a cool million, and laughs in his sleeve, while thousands of poor workers +in the vineyard are depending for a livelihood on collections that pan out +more gun wads and brass pants buttons to the ton of ore than they do +silver. + +This may be all right, and we hope it is, and we don't want to give any +advice on anybody else's business, but it would please Christians a good +deal better to see that bold man taken by the slack of the pants and +lifted into the poor house, while the silver he has had fall to him was +distributed among the charitable societies, mission schools and churches, +so a minister could get his salary and buy a new pair of trousers to +replace those that he has worn the knees out of kneeling down on the rough +floor to pray. + +It is mighty poor consolation to the ladies of a church society to give +sociables, ice creameries, strawberry festivals and all kinds of things to +raise money to buy a carpet for a church or lecture room, and wash their +own dishes than hear that some infidel who is around the country calling +God a pirate and horse thief, at a dollar a head, to full houses, has +miraculously struck a million dollar silver mine. + +To the toiling minister who prays without ceasing, and eats +codfish and buys clothes at a second hand store, it looks pretty rough to +see Bob Ingersoll steered onto a million dollar silver mine. But it may be +all right, and we presume it is. Maybe God has got the hook in Bob's +mouth, and is letting him play around the way a fisherman does a black +bass, and when he thinks he is running the whole business, and flops +around and scares the other fish, it is possible Bob may be reeled in, and +he will find himself on the bottom of the boat with a finger and thumb in +his gills, and a big boot on his paunch, and he will be compelled to +disgorge the hook and the bait and all, and he will lay there and try to +flop out of the boat, and wonder what kind of a game that is being played +on him. + +Everything turns out right some time, and from what we have heard of God, +off and on, we don't believe he is going to let no ordinary man, +bald-headed and appoplectic, carry off all the persimmons, and put his +fingers to his nose and dare the ruler of the universe to tread on the +tail of his coat. + +Bob Ingersoll has got the bulge on all the Christians now, and draws more +water than anybody, but He who knows the sparrow's fall has no doubt got +an eye on the fat rascal, and some day will close two or three fingers +around Bob's throat, when his eyes will stick out so you can hang your hat +on them, and he will blat like a calf and get down on his knees and say: + +"Please, Mr. God, don't choke so, and I will take it all back and go +around and tell the boys that I am the almightiest liar that ever charged +a dollar a head to listen to the escaping wind from a biown-up bladder. O, +good God, don't hurt me so. My neck is all chafed." + +And then he will die, and God will continue business at the old stand. + + +THE LEGEND OF THE LAKE. + +Every noted place of resort has an Indian legend, and the first thing I +did after getting my dinner was to look up the legendist. I wanted to hear +how it was that the Indian had ceased to frequent this spot. So in looking +for the boss legendist I struck Judge Lamoreaux, of Dodge county, who had +been herewith a party of friends, Mr. Hayes, and Mr. Van Brunt, with all +their wives. They had been searching for ferns and legends and they had a +car load. The Judge had heard of the legend, and he took me one side, and +with tears in his eyes related to me the horrible story just as he had +received it from an Indian named O'Flanegan, who sells relics in the shape +of rye. If I can control my emotion long enough to write it, it will be a +big thing for history. + +[Illustration: HIAWASAMANTHA, THE DUSKY DAUGHTER OF THE GOLDEN WEST.] + +Years ago an Indian chief who lived in a dog tent and caught +rattlesnakes for a side show, had a daughter, a beautiful maiden, about +the color and odor of smoked bacon, and she wore a red blanket cut biased, +and a tilter, under a polonaise made over from her last year's striped +silk. She was the belliest squaw in the hills, and took the premium at all +the county fairs, and she could shoot a deer equal to any buck Indian. Her +name was Hiawasamantha, and she had two lovers, a Frenchman and a young +Indian. In figuring up the returns there was some doubt as to who was +elected, so the father of the girl decided to go behind the returns, and +settle it by a commission. There was an eagle's nest half way up the +rocks, with young eagles in it, and the old chief said that the one that +got there first and brought him a young eagle, should have the squaw. The +Frenchman climbed up the back stairs and got there ahead of the Indian, +when the young Indian drew from his trousers leg a bar of railroad iron +and drove it to the hilt in the breast of the Frenchman, not, however, +till the Frenchman had drawn from his pistol pocket a 300 ton Krupp gun +and sent a solid shot weighing 280 pounds crashing into the skull of the +Indian, and both rolled to the bottom of the bluff, dead. Dr. Hall, of +Baraboo, was called, and he probed for the ball, but could not find it, +and neither could he get the bar of railroad iron out of the Frenchman, +and so they were buried on the spot where now stands the Cliff House. The +squaw looked around for another fellow, but they all had other +engagements, the excursion train having arrived from La Crosse, and so she +went up on a crag and said, "Big Injun me," and jumped off and was dashed +into 1,347 pieces, and the wedding was broke up. Pieces of the squaw can +now be found among the rocks, petrified, but retaining the odor of the +ancient tribe. I got a piece of her, evidently a piece broken off her ear, +which retains its shade perfectly, and will long be a reminder of +my visit to Devil's Lake. (P.S.--Disreputable parties are selling pieces +of stuff purporting to be genuine remains of this beauteous maiden, but +they are base imitations. None genuine unless the trade mark is stamped on +them.) + + +GEOLOGICAL SURVEY. + +The Geological Survey is being prosecuted as well as could be expected +with the limited means at the hands of the searchers in the bowels of the +earth. They have already found, I am informed, that the earth on which we +live, and move, and have a being, is composed largely of dirt. The +discovery of this fact is alone worth the price of admission. This great +discovery, which will be of such value to the future historian, has only +cost the state the insignificant sum of $8,280. Rather than remain in +ignorance of this astonishing fact, I would willingly pay the money +myself--out of the public treasury. It is rumored that parties employed by +the State to dive down into the ground and bring up sand in their claws, +have discovered symptoms that the world was at one time sick to its +stomach, and threw up divers and sundry kinds of rocks and things, and +there is a probability that lead ore may be discovered. This will be +valuable to make bullets in case of a war with Oshkosh. In peace it is +always best to prepare for war, and I trust you will lend your countenance +to the able men who are investigating the Lower Silurian age. + + +FOOLING WITH THE BIBLE. + +Reports from the stationers show that there is no demand at all for the +revised edition of the Bible, and had it not been for the newspapers +publishing the whole affair there would have been very few persons that +took the trouble to even glance at it, and it is believed that not one +reader of the daily papers in a hundred read any of the Bible, and not one +in ten thousand read all of it which was published. Who originated this +scheme of revising the Bible we do not know, but whoever it was made a +miscue. There was no one suffering particularly for a revision of the +Bible. It was good enough as it was. No literary sharp of the present day +has got any license to change anything in the Bible. + +Why, the cheeky ghouls have actually altered over the Lord's Prayer, cut +it biased, and thrown the parts about giving us this day our daily bread +into the rag bag. How do they know that the Lord said more than he wanted +to in that prayer? He wanted that daily bread in there, or He never would +have put it in. The only wonder is that those revisers did not insert +strawberry shortcake and ice cream in place of daily bread. Some of these +ministers who are writing speeches for the Lord think they are smart. They +have fooled with Christ's sermon on the Mount until He couldn't tell it if +He was to meet it in the Chicago _Times_. + +This thing has gone on long enough, and we want a stop put to it. We have +kept still about the piracy that has been going on in the Bible because +people who are better than we are have seemed to endorse it, but now we +are sick of it, and if there is going to be an annual clerical picnic to +cut gashes in the Bible and stick new precepts and examples on where they +will do the most hurt, we shall lock up our old Bible where the critters +can't get at it and throw the first book agent down stairs head +first that tries to shove off on to us one of these new-fangled, +go-as-you-please Bibles, with all the modern improvements, and hell left +out. + +Now, where was there a popular demand to have hell left out of the Bible? +Were there any petitions from the people sent up to this self-constituted +legislature of pinchbeck ministers, praying to have hell abolished, and +"hades" inserted? Not a petition. And what is this hades? Where is it? +Nobody knows. They have taken away our orthodox hell, that has stood by us +since we first went to Sunday school, and given us a hades. Half of us +wouldn't know a hades if we should see it dead in the road, but they +couldn't fool us any on hell. + +No, these revisers have done more harm to religion than they could have +done by preaching all their lives. They have opened the ball, and now, +every time a second-class dominie gets out of a job, he is going to cut +and slash into the Bible. He will think up lots of things that will sound +better than some things that are in there, and by and by we shall have our +Bibles as we do our almanacs, annually, with weather probabilities on the +margins. + +This is all wrong. Infidels will laugh at us, and say our old Bible is +worn out, and out of style, and tell us to have our measure taken for a +new one every fall and spring, as we do for our clothes. If this revision +is a good thing, why won't another one be better? The woods are full of +preachers who think they could go to work and improve the Bible, and if we +don't shut down on this thing, they will take a hand in it. If a man hauls +down the American flag, we shoot him on the spot; and now we suggest that +if any man mutilates the Bible, we run an umbrella into him and spread it. + +The old Bible just filled the bill, and we hope every new one that is +printed will lay on the shelves and get sour. This revision of the Bible +is believed to be the work of an incendiary. It is a scheme got +up by British book publishers to make money out of pious people. It is on +the same principle that speculators get up a corner on pork or wheat. They +got revision, and printed Bibles enough to supply the world, and would not +let out one for love or money. None were genuine unless the name of this +British firm was blown in the bottle. + +Millions of Bibles were shipped to this country by the firm that was +"long" on Bibles, and they were to be thrown on the market suddenly, after +being locked up and guarded by the police until the people were made +hungry for Bibles. + +The edition was advertised like a circus, and doors were to be opened at +six o'clock in the morning. American publishers who wanted to publish the +Bible, too, got compositors ready to rush out a cheap Bible within twelve +hours, and the Britons, who were running the corner on the Word of God, +called these American publishers pirates. The idea of men being pirates +for printing a Bible, which should be as free as salvation. The newspapers +that had the Bibles telegraphed to them from the east, were also pirates. + +O, the revision is a three-card monte speculation; that is all it is. + + +A BLACK BEAR AT ONALASKA. + +A black bear was brought into town for sale on Friday, having been killed +by Tom Rand, near Onalaska. He killed it with a little rifle that didn't +look big enough to hurt a hen. If bears are so sociable as to come within +sight of La Crosse to be killed, it will be a good excuse for husbands to +stay at home nights. + + +ANOTHER DEAD FAILURE. + +Again we are called upon to apologize to our readers for advertising what +we had reason to expect would occur at the time advertised, but which +failed to show up. We allude to the end of the world which was to have +taken place last Sunday. It is with humility that we confess that we were +again misled into believing that the long postponed event would take +place, and with others we got our things together that we intended to take +along, only to be compelled to unpack them Monday morning. + +Now this thing is played out, and the next time any party advertises that +the world will come to an end, we shall take no stock in it. And then it +will be just our luck to have the thing come to an end, when we are not +prepared. There is the worst sort of mismanagement about this business +somewhere, and we are not sure but it is best to allow God to go ahead and +attend to the closing up of earthly affairs, and give these fellows that +figure out the end of all things with a slate and pencil the grand bounce. + +It is a dead loss to this country of millions of dollars every time there +is a prediction that the world will come to an end, because there are lots +of men who quit business weeks beforehand and do not try to earn a living +but go lunching around. We lost over fifteen dollars' worth of advertising +last week from people who thought if the thing was going up the flue on +Sunday there was no use of advertising any more, and we refused twenty +dollars' worth more because we thought if that was the last paper we were +going to get out we might as knock off work Friday and Saturday and go and +catch a string of perch. The people have been fooled about this thing +enough, and the first man that comes around with any more predictions +ought to be arrested. + +People have got enough to worry about, paying taxes, and buying +strawberries and sugar, to can, without feeling that if they get a tax +receipt the money will be a dead loss, or if they put up a cellar full of +canned fruit the world will tip over on it and break every jar and bust +every tin can. + +Hereafter we propose to go right along as though the world was going to +stay right side up, have our hair cut, and try and behave, and then if old +mother earth shoots off into space without any warning we will take our +chances with the rest in catching on to the corner of some passing star +and throw our leg over and get acquainted with the people there, and maybe +start a funny paper and split the star wide open. + + +THE GLORIOUS FOURTH OF JULY. + +On this great day we are accustomed to leave our business to hired men, +and burn with patriotism, and ginger pop, fill ourselves with patriotic +ferver, and beer, shout the battle cry of freedom, and go home when the +day is over with our eye-winkers burned off, and to sleep with a +consciousness that a great duty has been performed, and that we have got +bank notes to pay on the morrow. For three hundred and sixty-four days in +the year our patriotism is corked up and wired down, and all we can do is +to work, and acquire age and strength. On the 4th of July we cut the wire, +the cork that holds our patriotism flies out, and we bubble and sparkle +and steam, and make things howl. We hold in as long as we can, but when we +get the harness off, and are turned into the pasture, we make a picnic of +ourselves, with music all along the line. + + +THE USES OF THE PAPER BAG. + +A First Ward man was told by his wife to bring home a quart of oysters on +New Year's night, to fry for supper. He drank a few prescriptions of egg +nog, and then took a paper bag full of selects and started for home. He +stopped at two or three saloons, and the bag began to melt, and when he +left the last saloon the bottom fell out of the bag and the oysters were +on the sidewalk. + +[Illustration: SLIPPERY OYSTERS.] + +We will leave the man there, gazing upon the wreck, and take the reader to +the residence where he is expected. + +A red-faced woman is putting the finishing touches to the supper table, +and wondering why her husband does not come with the oysters. Presently a +noise as of a lead pencil in the key-hole salutes her ear, and she goes to +the and opens it, and finds him taking the pencil out of the +key-hole. Not seeing any oysters, she asks him if he has forgotten the +oysters. + +"Forgot noth(hic)ing," says he. + +He walks up to the table and asks for a plate, which is given him by the +unsuspicious wife. + +"Damsaccident you ever(hic)see," said the truly good man, as he brought +his hand out of his overcoat pocket, with four oysters, a little smoking +tobacce, and a piece of cigar-stub. + +"Slipperysoystersev(hic)er was," said he, as he run his hands down in the +other pocket, bringing up five oysters, a piece of envelope, and a piece +of wire that was used as a bail to the pail. + +"Got all my pock(hic)ets full," said he, as he took a large oyster out of +his vest pocket. Then he began to go down in his pants pocket, and finding +a hole in it, he said: + +"Six big oys(hic)ters gone down my trousers leg. S'posi'll find them in my +boot," and he sat down to pull off his boot, when the lady took the plate +of oysters and other stuff into the kitchen and threw them in the swill, +and then she put him to bed, and all the time he was trying to tell her +how the bag busted just as he was in front of All Saints Ca(hic)thedral. + + +THE UNIVERSALIST BATH. + +Mr. E.H. Lane is canvassing the city for the Universalist Bath. We don't +know why it should be called a "Universalist Bath," as it more nearly +resembles a Baptist Bath, as we remember it. The bath is a queer thing, +consisting of an India rubber hop sack, fastened to an immense ox bow. The +ends are placed on to chairs, the water put in, and you get in and +hippotamus and take a complete bath from Dan to Beersheba in a tea cup +full of water. + + +KILLING BIG GAME. + +The conductors on the St. Paul railroad are most all good sports with a +shot gun. There is Howard and Clason, and Russell, who never tire of +talking of the millions of chickens, ducks, wild turkeys and so forth that +they have killed. They have tried to get Conductor Green interested in +field sports, but he always said the game was not big enough for him. He +said he had his opinion men that would surround a little chicken with +spike tailed dogs, and then kill it and call it sport. What he wanted was +big game. Nothing less than a bear would do him. Last week the owners of +the cinnamon bear that was brought down from the Yellowstone, decided to +have it killed, and some one told them to get Green to kill it, as he was +an old bear hunter from the Rocky Mountains. Green said he was rusty on +bears, not having had a tussel with a grizzly in several years, but if +they couldn't get anybody else to chance the bear he would make hash of +it. So they went down to the ice house where the bear was. Green said he +didn't want anybody to go in with him, because they might get hurt. He put +on Clason's hunting suit, took a carving knife in his teeth and a revolver +in his hand, and went in and looked the bear in the eye. The bear knew +Green meant business, and he began to feel around for his ticket. The +conductor advanced to within eleven feet of the bear when all at once the +animal sprang at him, growling and showing his teeth. Green's first +impulse was to pull the bell rope, and order the cuss to get out of the +ice house, but he saw the bear coming through the air towards him, and +there was not four hours to lose, so he drew the revolver, took aim at the +bear's left eye, and pulled. There was a puff of smoke, and the bear fell +lifeless at his feet. Placing the animal in his game sack, he wiped the +blood from his knife and said to some men who stood outside, their faces +ashy pale: "Always shoot bears in the left eye." The men were +pleased to see him come out alive and they shook him warmly by the hand. +The other conductors, the shooters, are jealous of Green, and they are +telling how he killed the bear by going up in the loft of the ice house +and falling on him, and one conductor says Green shot the bear with a crow +bar through a knot hole. Another said the bear had all four of his legs +tied and that a dose of poison was administered through a syringe, +attached to a pole, while another says that the bear died from fright. All +these stories are the result of jealousy. The bear was killed just as we +say, and there are few men that would tackle him--that is, few men aside +from conductors. + + +THE MULE NOT THE EAGLE. + +The bird that should have been selected as the emblem of our country, the +bird of patience, forbearance, perseverance, and the bird of terror when +aroused, is the mule. There is no bird that combines more virtues to the +square foot than the mule. With the mule emblazoned on our banners, we +should be a terror to every foe. We are a nation of uncomplaining hard +workers. We mean to do the fair thing by everybody. We plod along, doing +as we would be done by. So does the mule. As a nation we occasionally +stick our ears forward, and fan flies off of our forehead. So does the +mule. We allow parties to get on and ride as long as they behave +themselves. So do does the mule. But when any nation sticks spurs in our +flanks, and tickles our heels with a straw, we come down stiff-legged in +front, our ears look to the beautiful beyond, our voice is cut loose, and +is still for war, and our subsequent end plays the snare drum on anything +that gets in reach of us, and strikes terror to the hearts of all tyrants. +So does the mule. + + +OUR BLUE-COATED DOG POISONERS. + +"Papa, the cruel policeman has murdered little Gip? He sneaked up and +frowed a nice piece of meat to Gip, and Gip he eated it, and fanked the +policeman with his tail, and runned after him and teased for more, but the +policeman fought Gip had enough, and then Gip stopped and looked sorry he +had eaten it, and pretty soon he laid down and died, and the policeman +laughed and went off feeling good. If Dan Sheenan was the policeman any +more he wouldn't poison my dog, would he, pa?" + +The above was the greeting the bald-headed _Sun_ man received on Thursday, +and a pair of four-year-old brown eyes were full enough of tears to break +the heart of a policeman of many years' standing, and the little, crushed +master of the dead King Charles spaniel went to sleep sobbing and +believing that policemen were the greatest blot upon the civilization of +the nineteenth century. + +Here was a little fellow that had from the day he first stood on his feet +after the scarlet fever had left him alive, been allowing his heart to +become entwined with love for that poor little dog. For nearly a year the +dog had been ready to play with the child when everybody else was tired +out, and never once had the dog been cross or backed out of a romp, and +the laughter and the barking has many a time been the only sound of +happiness in the neighborhood. + +If the boy slept too long after dinner, the dog went and rooted around him +as much as to say, "Look a here, Mr. Roy, you can't play this on your +partner any longer. You get up here and we will have a high old time, and +don't you forget it." And pretty soon the sound of baby feet and dog's toe +nails would be heard on the stairs, and the circus would commence. + +If the dog slept too long of an afternoon, the boy would hunt him +out, take hold of his tail with one hand and an ear with the other, and +lug him into the parlor, saying, "Gip, too much sleep is what is ruining +the dogs in this country. Now, brace up and play horse with me." And then +there was fun. + +Well, it is all over; but while we write there is a little fellow sleeping +on a tear-stained pillow, dreaming, perhaps of a heaven where the woods +are full of King Charles' spaniel dogs, and a door-keeper stands with a +club to keep out policemen. And still we cannot blame policemen--it is the +law that is to blame--the wise men who go to the legislature, and make +months with one day too much, pass laws that a dog shall be muzzled and +wear a brass check, or he is liable to go mad. Statistics show that not +one dog in a million ever goes mad and that they are more liable to go mad +in winter than in summer; but several hundred years ago somebody said that +summer was "dog days," and the law makers of this enlightened nineteenth +century still insist on a wire muzzle at a season of the year when a dog +wants air and water, and wants his tongue out. + +So we compel our guardians of the peace to go around assassinating dogs. +Men, who as citizens, would cut their hands off before they would injure a +neighbor's property, or speak harsh to his dog, when they hire out to the +city must stifle all feelings of humanity, and descend to the level of +Paris scavengers. We compel them to do this. If they would get on their +ears and say to the city of Milwaukee, "We will guard your city, and +protect you from insult, and die for you if it becomes necessary; but we +will see you in hades before we go around assassinating dogs," we as +people, would think more of them, and perhaps build them a decent station +house to rest in. + + +A HOT BOX AT A PICNIC. + +An Oshkosh young man started for a picnic in a buggy with two girls, and +when they got half way they got a hot box to the hind wheel of the buggy, +and they remained there all the afternoon pouring water on the wheel, +missing the picnic. There is nothing that will cause a hot box in a buggy +so quick as going to a picnic with girls. Particularly is this the case +when one has two girls. No young man should ever take two girls to a +picnic. He may think one cannot have too much of a good thing, and that he +holds over the most of the boys who have only one girl, but before the +picnic is over he will note the look of satisfaction on the faces of the +other boys as they stray off in the vernal shade, and he will look around +at his two girls as though his stomach was overloaded. We don't care how +attractive the girls are, or how enterprising a boy he is, or how +expansive or far-reaching a mind he has, he cannot do justice to the +subject if he has two girls. There will be a certain clashing of interests +that no young boy in his goslinghood, as most boys are when they take two +girls to a picnic, has the diplomacy to prevent. Now, this may seem a +trifling thing to write about and for a great pious paper to publish, but +there is more at the bottom of it than is generally believed. If we start +the youth of the land out right in the first place they are all right, but +if they start out by taking two girls to a picnic, their whole lives are +liable to become acidulated, and they will grow up hating themselves. If a +young man is good natured and tries to do the fair thing, and a picnic is +got up, and the rest of the boys are liable to play it on him. There is +always some old back number of a girl who has no fellow, who wants to go, +and the boys, after they all get girls and buggies engaged, will canvass +among themselves to see who shall take this extra girl, and it always +falls to the good-natured young man. He says of course there is +room for three in the buggy. Sometimes he thinks may be this old girl can +be utilized to drive the horse, and then he can converse with his own +sweet girl with both hands, but in such a moment as ye think not, he finds +out that the extra girl is afraid of horses, dare not drive, and really +requires some holding to keep her nerves quiet. The young man begins to +realize by this time that life is one great disappointment. He tries to +drive with one hand, and consoles his good girl, who is a little cross at +the turn affairs have taken, with the other, but it is a failure, and +finally his good girl says she will drive, and then he has to put an arm +around them both, which will give more or less dissatisfaction the best +way you can fix it. If we had a boy that didn't seem to have any more +sense than to make a hat rack of himself to hang girls on in a buggy, we +should labor with him, and tell him of the agonies we had +experienced in youth, when the boys palmed off two girls on us to take to +a country picnic, and we believe we can do no greater favor to the young +men who are just entering the picnic of life than to impress upon them the +importance of doing one thing at a time, and doing it well. Start right at +first, and life will be one continued picnic buggy ride, but if your mind +is divided in youth you will always be looking for hot boxes and +annoyance. + +[Illustration: THE OLD BACK NUMBER GIRL.] + + +CAMP MEETINGS IN THE DARK OF THE MOON. + +A Dartford man, who has been attending a camp meeting at that place, +inquires of the Brandon _Times_ why it is that camp meetings are always +held when the moon does not shine. The _Times_ man gives it up and refers +the question to the _Sun_. We give it up. + +It does not seem as though managers of camp meetings deliberately consult +the almanac in order to pick out a week for camp meeting in the dark of +the moon, though such meetings are always held when the moon is of no +account. If they do, then there is a reason for it. It is well known that +pickerel bite best in the dark of the moon, and it is barely possible that +sinners "catch on" better at that time. + +There may be something in the atmosphere, in the dark of the moon, that +makes a camp meeting more enjoyable. Certainly brethren and sisterin' can +mingle as well if not better when there is no glaring moon to molest and +make them afraid, and they can relate their experience as well as though +it was too light. + +The prayers of the righteous avail as much in the darkness of the closet +as they do in an exposition building, with an electric light, and as long +as sinners will do many things which they ought not to do, and undo many +things that they never ought to have done, the dark of the moon is +probably the most healthy. + + +PALACE CATTLE CARS. + +The papers are publishing accounts of the arrival east of a train of +palace cattle cars, and illustrating how much better the cattle feel after +a trip in one of these cars, than cattle did when they made the journey in +the ordinary cattle cars. + +As we understand it the cars are fitted up in the most gorgeous manner, in +mahogany and rosewood, and the upholstering is something perfectly grand, +and never before undertaken except in the palaces of the old world. + +As you enter the car there is a reception room, with a few chairs, a +lounge and an ottoman, and a Texas steer gently waves you to a seat with +his horns, while he switches off your hat with his tail. If there is any +particular cow, or steer, or ox, that you wish to see, you give your card +to the attendant steer, and he excuses himself and trots off to find the +one you desire to see. You do not have long to wait, for the animal +courteously rises, humps up his or her back, stretches, yawns, and with +the remark, "the galoot wants to interview me, probably, and I wish he +would keep away," the particular one sought for comes to the reception +room and puts out its front foot for a shake, smiles and says, "Glad you +came. Was afraid you would let us go away and not call." + +Then the cow or steer sits down on its haunches and the conversation flows +in easy channels. You ask how they like the country, and if they have good +times, and if they are not hard worked, and all that; and they yawn and +say the country is splendid at this season of the year, and that when +passing along the road they feel as though they would like to get out in +some meadow, and eat grass and switch flies. + +The steer asks the visitor if he does not want to look through the car, +when he says he would like to if it is not too much trouble. The +steer says it is no trouble at all, at the same time shaking his horns as +though he was mad, and kicking some of the gilding off of a stateroom. + +"This," says the steer who is doing the honors, "is the stateroom occupied +by old Brindle, who is being shipped from St. Joseph, Mo. Brindle weighs +1,600 on foot--Brindle, get up and show yourself to the gentleman." + +Brindle kicks off the red blanket, rolls her eyes in a lazy sort of way, +bellows, and stands up in the berth, humps up her back so it raises the +upper berth and causes a heifer that is trying to sleep off a debauch of +bran mash, to kick like a steer, and then looks at the interviewer as much +as to say, "O, go on now and give us a rest." Brindle turns her head to a +fountain that is near, in which Apollinaris water is flowing, perfumed +with new mown hay, drinks, turns her head and licks her back, and stops +and thinks, and then looking around as much as to say, "Gentlemen, you +will have to excuse me," lays down with her head on a pillow, pulls the +coverlid over her and begins to snore. + +The attendant steer steers the visitor along the next apartment, which is +a large one, filled with cattle in all positions. One is lying in a +hammock, with her feet on the window, reading the Chicago _Times_ article +on Oleomargarine, or Bull Butter, at intervals stopping the reading to +curse the writer, who claims that oleomargarine is an unlawful +preparation, containing deleterious substances. + +A party of four oxen are seated around a table playing seven-up for the +drinks, and as the attendant steer passes along, a speckled ox with one +horn broken, orders four pails full of Waukesha water with a dash of +oatmeal in it, "and make it hot," says the ox, as he counts up high, low, +jack and the game. + +Passing the card players the visitor notices an upright piano, +and asks what that is for, and the attendant steer says they are all fond +of music, and asks if he would not like to near some of the cattle play. +He says he would, and the steer calls out a white cow who is sketching, +and asks her to warble a few notes. The cow seats herself on her haunches +on the piano stool, after saying she has such a cold she can't sing, and, +besides, has left her notes at home in the pasture. Turning over a few +leaves with her forward hoof, she finds something familiar, and proceeds +to walk on the piano keys with her forward feet and bellow, "Meet me in +the slaughter house when the due bill falls," or something of that kind, +when the visitor says he has got to go up to the stock yards and attend a +reception of Colorado cattle, and he lights out. + +We should think these parlor cattle cars would be a success, and that +cattle would enjoy them very much. It is said that parties desiring to +charter these cars for excursions for human beings, can be accommodated at +any time when they are not needed to transport cattle, if they will give +bonds to return them in as good order as they find them. + + +GEORGE WASHINGTON. + +He could not tell a lie, George couldn't. Washington, it is probable, +never knew what it was to stow away a schooner of beer, and history makes +no mention that he ever, on any pretext, eat limberger cheese. At least no +mention was made of it in his farewell address. He never was President of +a savings bank. Washington never lectured. He never edited a newspaper. He +could not tell a lie at the rates editors charge. No he was a good man, +with none of the small vices that are so prevalent these days. + + +BROKE UP A PRAYER MEETING. + +A few months ago the spectacle presented itself of a very respectable lady +of the Seventh ward wearing a black eye. There never was a case of +ante-election that was any more perfect than the one this lady carried. + +We have seen millions of black eyes in our time, some of which were +observed in a mirror, but we never saw one that suggested a row any +plainer than the one the Seventh ward lady wore. It was cut biased, that +being the latest style of black eye, and was fluted with purple and orange +shade, and trimmed with the same. Probably we never should have known +about the black eye had not the lady asked, as she held her hand over one +eye, if there was any truth in the story that a raw oyster would cure a +black eye. She came to us as an expert. + +[Illustration: THE LADY OF THE SEVENTH WARD.] + +When we told her that a piece of beef-steak was worth two oysters she +uncovered the eye. It looked as though painted by one of the old masters. + +Rather than have anybody think she had been having a row, she explained +how it happened. She was sitting with her husband and little girl in the +parlor, and while, the two were reading the little one disappeared. The +mother went to the girl's room on tiptoe, to see if she was +asleep. She found the girl with all her dolls on the floor having a dolls' +prayer meeting. She had them all down on their knees and would let them +pray one at a time, then sing. One of the dolls that squeaked when pressed +on the stomach was the leader of the singing, and the little girl bossed +the job. There was one old maid doll that the little girl seemed to be +disgusted with because the doll talked too much, and she would say: + +"There, Miss, you sit down and let some of the other sisters get in a word +edgeways. Sister Perkins, won't you relate your experience?" + +After listening to this for a few moments the mother heard the girl say: + +"Now, Polly, you pass the collection plate, and no one must put in +lozengers, and then we will all go to the dancing school." + +The whole thing was so ridiculous that the mother attempted to rush down +stairs three at a time, to have her husband come up to the prayer meeting, +when she stubbed herself on a stair rod, and--well, she got the black eye +on the journey down stairs, though what hit her she will probably never +know. But she said when she began to roll down stairs she felt in her +innermost soul as though she had broke up that prayer meeting prematurely. + + +THE DOG LAW. + +The dog law is as foolish as the anti-treating law, and if it were not +enforced, no harm would be done. Our legislators have to pass about so +many laws anyway, and we should use our judgment about enforcing them. + + +LUNCH ON THE CARS. + +There is nothing that so gives a man away as to open a satchel and take +out a lunch. I have been riding on the cars and have made the acquaintance +of people who would listen to my stories, and take in every word as gospel +truth. They would seem to hang on my words with pleasure, and be +apparently glad they had become acquainted with one who combined so many +graces of mind and person, and they would gather around so as not to miss +a single lie that I might tell. And yet when I took a paper parcel out of +my valise and opened up a lunch, consisting of bread and onions, and +sausage and sweitzer cheese, they would draw coldly away from me and sit +in the farther part of the car, and appear never to have known me. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S COMPENDIUM OF FUN*** + + +******* This file should be named 14815.txt or 14815.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/8/1/14815 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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