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diff --git a/14808-h/14808-h.htm b/14808-h/14808-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..27049fe --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/14808-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2106 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, August 8, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>August 8, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" + id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span> + + <h2>LARKS FOR LONDONERS.</h2> + + <p>Sir,—Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for + gratuitous concerts and dances! But that's not half enough. + Some of us don't care for dancing, and abhor music. What I + propose is that Free Billiard-tables should be established in + each parish. Billiards is much better exercise than sitting + still on a chair listening to singing. Then there ought to be + places where one could get municipal tobacco without paying for + it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life as + education—more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter + evenings it would also be nice to be able to step over to one's + Town Hall and have a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from + the wood"—also from the rates. I don't pay rates myself, + as I happen to live in a flat, but I am sure the ratepayers + will immediately recognise the justice of my demands.</p> + + <p class="author">UNBIASSED.</p> + + <p>Sir,—By all means let us try to give more pleasure to + the people. The pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly + elevating kind. I would advocate throwing open the South + Kensington Natural History Museum in the evening. This would be + most useful, especially to people living at the East End, and + the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not rollicking, + would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable + characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not + produce his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from + the clergyman of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I + am sure that people would jump at a chance of an evening among + the <i>Coleoptera</i>.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, NATURALIST.</p> + + <p>Sir,—I cannot understand why people should ask for + more amusement than they get at present. Have not they the + Parks to walk about in? In wet weather they can take shelter + under trees. In winter they ought to stay at home in the + evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their families. I would + even go so far as to allow an occasional game at draughts. + Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of the + question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously + inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I + throw out these observations for what they may be worth, and + trusting that they will not be regarded as dangerously + subversive of morality, I remain,</p> + + <p class="author">Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME!</p> + + <p>Sir,—The movement for turning our Town Halls into + places of amusement is an excellent one. What I would like to + suggest is, that the Vestrymen should themselves take part in + the entertainments. Why not have weekly theatrical + performances, with parts found for all local Authorities? I + feel convinced that <i>Hamlet</i>, played by our Vestry, would + be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play the + <i>Ghost</i>, while minor characters could be sustained by the + Medical Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and + others; the Chairman, of course, would figure in the title + <i>rôle</i>. A topical comic song, by the Board of Guardians, + with breakdown, might serve as a pleasing interlude; breakdowns + in local matters are, I believe, not unknown already. The idea + is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen owe something to + the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, MERRY ANDREW.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.—A "Champion" pugilist is even + more presumptuous than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a + Thousand Guineas a 'Box.'"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AFTER THE SEASON.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Proposal Fin de Siècle.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/61.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/61.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Farewell! since the Season is over,</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah me, but its moments were sweet!</p> + + <p>You are oft', <i>viâ</i> Folkestone or Dover,</p> + + <p class="i2">To some Continental retreat.</p> + + <p>On Frenchman and German you'll lavish</p> + + <p class="i2">The smiles that can madden me still;</p> + + <p>While I, with the gillie McTavish,</p> + + <p class="i2">Am breasting the heather-clad hill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, do you remember the dances,</p> + + <p class="i2">The dearest were those we sat out,</p> + + <p>How I frowned when detecting your glances</p> + + <p class="i2">On others, which caused you to pout?</p> + + <p>You are changeful and coy and capricious,</p> + + <p class="i2">A weathercock easily blown;</p> + + <p>But when shall I hear the delicious</p> + + <p class="i2">One word that proclaims you my own?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They say that an eloquent passion</p> + + <p class="i2">Has long become quite out of date,</p> + + <p>That true love is never the fashion,</p> + + <p class="i2">And marriage a wearisome state.</p> + + <p>They conjure up many a bogie,</p> + + <p class="i2">To guard a man's bachelor life,</p> + + <p>And keep him a selfish old fogey,</p> + + <p class="i2">And stop him from taking a wife.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They vow that a wife needs a carriage,</p> + + <p class="i2">And opera-boxes and stalls,</p> + + <p>That money's the one thing in marriage,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cheques are as common as calls.</p> + + <p>They say women shy (like some horses)</p> + + <p class="i2">At vows made to love and obey;</p> + + <p>They tell you drear tales of divorces,</p> + + <p class="i2">And scandals, the talk of the day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But hang all those cynical railings,</p> + + <p class="i2">Just write me one exquisite line</p> + + <p>To say you'll look over my failings,</p> + + <p class="i2">And promise me you will be mine.</p> + + <p>And though I'm aware it's the merest</p> + + <p class="i2">Small matter of detail, to clear</p> + + <p>The ground, I may mention, my dearest,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've full thirty thousand a year.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.—Last Friday His Honour Judge + BACON had to decide a case which was headed in the papers + "Cagliostromantheon." What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, + who was a fair defendant, won the case; and His + Honour—this appeal having been made to His Honour by Mr. + B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the + stage, but especially for one described as "an + actor,"—decided that His Honour was satisfied. Peace with + His Honour!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By "A Cambridge Parson</i>.")</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the + policy of 'Dishing.'"—<i>Sir W. Harcourt</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hey diddle diddle,</p> + + <p>The voters we'd fiddle</p> + + <p class="i2">With Free Education—that + "boon."</p> + + <p>But Wisbech birds laugh</p> + + <p>At such plain party "chaff,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And the "Dish"—at the + polls—proves a "Spoon."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER.</h3> + + <p>Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a + digest of the news generally, for my power to digest is already + becoming seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches + in <i>Macbeth</i> (I think it's the Witches, but haven't my + <i>Shakspeare</i> handy, I mean my <i>Handy Shakspeare</i>, + with me—wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my Pilgrim's + Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN!</h3> + + <h4><i>A Lay for the Lifeboat Service.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal + National Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in + dire financial straits," the deficit for last year being + £33,000. Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully + received by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, + St. John Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more,"</p> + + <p class="i2">As DIBDIN's Monument informs us;</p> + + <p>But memory of the man who bore</p> + + <p class="i2">That honoured name still stirs and warms + us.</p> + + <p>And here's another of his name,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who still the British Sailor's + serving;</p> + + <p>Then who could see without sore shame</p> + + <p class="i2">JOHN BULL from <i>his</i> plain duty + swerving?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty-three Thousand to the bad,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory?</p> + + <p>Nay, JOHN, that will <i>not</i> do, my lad;</p> + + <p class="i2">Next year must tell a different + story.</p> + + <p>Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say</p> + + <p class="i2">To such a thing? In racy lingo,</p> + + <p>Upon our backs his lash he'd lay,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give the slothful Britons + "stingo."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved,</p> + + <p class="i2">Our Life-boat rescuers, already.</p> + + <p>The seas around our shores they've braved,</p> + + <p class="i2">With valour prompt and patience + steady.</p> + + <p>Shall they be floored for <i>L.S.D.</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because JOHN BULL his pockets + buttons?</p> + + <p>Then the old keepers of the Sea</p> + + <p class="i2">Must be, in pluck, as dead as + muttons.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True, lads, on such a text as this</p> + + <p class="i2">"We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;"</p> + + <p>But were we mute, Neptune would hiss</p> + + <p class="i2">His sons degenerate off the brine.</p> + + <p>Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more!</p> + + <p class="i2">He's dead, as <i>Scrooge</i> declared old + <i>Marley</i>.</p> + + <p>What then? Wake up, from shore to shore,</p> + + <p class="i2">And—send your guineas to + <i>Young</i> CHARLEY!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"Great Scot!"</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a + stolid but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and + Wimbledon, after the match at the latter place between + picked twenties of the London Scottish and the London Rifle + Brigade, won easily by the former team.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot,</p> + + <p>And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot.</p> + + <p>This particular "Saxon" the hump has got,</p> + + <p>Being licked by a team which is Picked <i>and</i> + Scot.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" + id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/62.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/62.png" + alt="SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD COMPANY." /> + </a> + + <h3>SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD + COMPANY.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to + which the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, + "could I have believed that Republican Sailors, that + Republican Soldiers, could have such a + bearing."—<i>Times</i>.</p> + + <p>"The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, + ordered a temporary relaxation of the measures for the + expulsion of the Jews from + Russia."—<i>Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote><i>Autocrat</i> (<i>aside</i>). "HUMPH! + CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY I LIKE THEIR + COSTUMES!" + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"How happy could I be with either?"</p> + + <p class="i2">Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p>Yet here we are, tripping together,</p> + + <p class="i2">Republics and proud Autocrat!</p> + + <p>Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!—</p> + + <p class="i2">So satire will say, I've no doubt.</p> + + <p>And some will declare it must ruin</p> + + <p class="i2">The Russdom once ruled by the knout.</p> + + <p>I wonder—I very much wonder—</p> + + <p class="i2">What NICK to this sight would have + said—</p> + + <p>I fear he'd have looked black as thunder,</p> + + <p class="i2">And savage as RURIC the Red.</p> + + <p>For this did we lose the Crimea?</p> + + <p class="i2">For this did we larrup the Jews?</p> + + <p>I really had not an idea</p> + + <p class="i2">Republics could rule—and amuse.</p> + + <p>Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish.</p> + + <p class="i2">How well Miss COLUMBIA can + coax!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" + id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span> + + <p>The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Briton will grumble "a hoax."</p> + + <p>Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor,</p> + + <p class="i2">And give shouting Emperors a hint;</p> + + <p>I back <i>La Belle France</i>. Her betrayer</p> + + <p class="i2">My meaning must see, plain as print.</p> + + <p>My reply to the great Guildhall grumble</p> + + <p class="i2">Had less of politeness than pith,</p> + + <p>But—well I've no wish so to humble</p> + + <p class="i2">My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH,</p> + + <p>Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Persona gratissima</i>, he;</p> + + <p>And therefore I yield to the Yankee</p> + + <p class="i2">The boon I refused to J.B.</p> + + <p>But yet, all the same, it <i>is</i> funny</p> + + <p class="i2">To see Three like us in One Boat.</p> + + <p>COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey,</p> + + <p class="i2">Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat.</p> + + <p>I never imagined Republics</p> + + <p class="i2">Could have such a "bearing" as these.</p> + + <p>Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks</p> + + <p class="i2">The comb sweetly filled by the bees,</p> + + <p>I list to their flattering-chatter;</p> + + <p class="i2">Their voices are pleasant—in + praise;</p> + + <p>But—well, though it seems a small matter,</p> + + <p class="i2">I <i>don't</i> like that dashed + "<i>Marseillaise</i>."</p> + + <p>And "<i>Israel in Egypt</i>" sounds pointed</p> + + <p class="i2">I'd Pharaoh the miscreants—but + stay,</p> + + <p>My soliloquy's getting disjointed,</p> + + <p class="i2">I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay,</p> + + <p><i>La Belle France</i> displays a <i>grande + passion</i>;</p> + + <p class="i2">My arms they unitedly press.</p> + + <p>One thing though; the Phrygian fashion</p> + + <p class="i2">Is not <i>my</i> ideal of dress.</p> + + <p>They swear that they both love me dearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!"</p> + + <p>They are setting their Caps at me, clearly,</p> + + <p class="i2">But,—well, <i>I don't quite like + the Caps!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE CAPLESS MAID.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a + sort of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after + she had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a + cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a + cap."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">What shall we do with our Maid?</p> + + <p class="i4">How shall we treat her best?</p> + + <p>Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her + hair?</p> + + <p class="i4">And shall she in silks be drest?</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall we make her a gift of gold?</p> + + <p class="i4">Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps.</p> + + <p>But whatever we make her, wherever we take her,</p> + + <p class="i4">We never must make her wear caps.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Imperious, capless, supreme,</p> + + <p class="i4">Do just as you please evermore;</p> + + <p>And wear what you will, for we shall be</p> + + <p class="i4">And never complain as before.</p> + + <p class="i2">We may put all our money in mines,</p> + + <p class="i4">We may put all our cheese into traps,</p> + + <p>But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear,</p> + + <p class="i4">When we try to put you into caps.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE DIFFERENCE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of + 1893 Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in + any electoral contest than he can be in the spring or + autumn of 1892."—<i>Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next + Parliament."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, + too,</p> + + <p>Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true.</p> + + <p>GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's + blithe</p> + + <p>Because <i>his</i> hopes are centred on Time's + <i>scythe</i>.</p> + + <p>Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous + breath</p> + + <p>Lives "in the sure and certain hope"—of + Death!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Resignation.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Fire! Fire!"</p> + + <p>"Where? where?'</p> + + <p>SHAW's resigned.</p> + + <p>Then find</p> + + <p>Another one!</p> + + <p>Many gone?</p> + + <p>Fire! Where?</p> + + <p>Here's a scare!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/63.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/63.png" + alt="A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS." /></a> + + <h3>A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS.</h3>(<i>Vide + "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>UPON A GLOVE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After the fashion—more or less—of + Herrick.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham,</p> + + <p class="i4">And Legislative Flam!</p> + + <p>Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool</p> + + <p class="i4">(Both prompt to play the fool,</p> + + <p>In free-lance fashion or official form)</p> + + <p class="i4">Prattled of, 'midst a storm</p> + + <p>Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers,</p> + + <p class="i4">And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"—</p> + + <p>Thou summest well the humbug of our lives.</p> + + <p class="i4">The fistic "bunch of fives"</p> + + <p>Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk"</p> + + <p class="i4">Shrouded in kid or silk,</p> + + <p>But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And SMITH and PRITCHARD—well,</p> + + <p>One would not like a clump upon the head</p> + + <p class="i4">From the teak-noddled "TED,"</p> + + <p>Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;"</p> + + <p class="i4">But somehow "bhoys" like them,</p> + + <p>Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And only nap "a mouse,"</p> + + <p>Though one before the end of the third bout</p> + + <p class="i4">Is clean "knocked out,"—</p> + + <p>Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire,</p> + + <p class="i4">Who in ten minutes tire,</p> + + <p>And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back</p> + + <p class="i4">To shun the impending thwack,—</p> + + <p>Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf</p> + + <p class="i4">As venal JULIA's self.</p> + + <p>GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt,</p> + + <p class="i4">And "What <i>is</i> a knock-out?"</p> + + <p><i>May</i> mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much;</p> + + <p class="i4">But Truth's Ithuriel touch</p> + + <p>Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED,"</p> + + <p class="i4">(Of "slightly swollen" head)</p> + + <p>As well as unsophisticated COBB,</p> + + <p class="i4">(If Truth were "on the job,")</p> + + <p>Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge,"</p> + + <p class="i4">And Law-evading dodge,</p> + + <p>Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery,</p> + + <p class="i4">Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery,</p> + + <p>All the material the Satirist loves,</p> + + <p class="i4">In those same "four-ounce gloves"!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY</h3> + + <h4>AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.</h4> + + <p>Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain + Crosstree, R.N.</p> + + <p>Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be + presented by Mr. Frederick Locker.</p> + + <p>A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815.</p> + + <p>Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his + affianced bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her + lily-white hands in the nasty pitch and tar."</p> + + <p>Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin + Bolt whether or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet + Alice with hair so brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) + gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) + frown?" The portrait also of the aforesaid Alice, evidently + rather a weak-minded young person.</p> + + <p>Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of + "Black Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence + coloured."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" + id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span> + + <h2>WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH.</h2> + + <p>In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting + reports about Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express + 12·30 from Waterloo, and go straight away to my terminus, + stopping, if I remember rightly, only twice on the road. + First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with the London and + South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the exception + of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton + Water—scent generally lost where water is, I + believe—and another of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran + into our quarry at Bournemouth Station West, in just two hours + and a half. [<i>Happy Thought</i>.—Lunch <i>en route</i>, + between 12·30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains, not + all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts + at hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, + &c., &c.]</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/64.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/64.png" + alt="'WELCOME THE COMING—'" /></a>"WELCOME THE + COMING—" + + <p>"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only + charmed to have your company."—<i>Extract from Speech + of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to Un-illustrious + Visitor</i>.</p> + </div> + + <p>Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or + Nice, or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, + Monte Carlo, and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are + painted, for Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week + in July) at a delightfully mean temperature,—if I may be + allowed to use the word "mean" without implying any sort of + disrespect for the Bournemouthers.</p> + + <p>Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any + previous occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as + at this present moment. Odd!</p> + + <p>"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association + here. All sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings + too."</p> + + <p>If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a + night in a bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called + early; then sea-bath; also man to bring hot water and towels. + While speculating on this probability, we arrive at</p> + + <p><i>Royal Bath Hotel</i>.—Flag flying, showing that + British Medical Association Family are at home. Other flags + elsewhere express same idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of + course. Array of servants in brown liveries and gilt buttons in + outer hall, preparing to receive visitors. Pleasant and + courteous Manager—evidently Manager—with foreign + accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?" I + ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous + Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive + pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly + ladies, chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, + and awaiting my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be + shown up." (<i>Absit omen!</i>) However, I am shown up. + Charming room: sea-view, nearly all the views from the windows + of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath which way you will; + and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The Warm Bath + Hotel.</p> + + <p>I am looking for something which has probably been left in + the hall. "Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look + round; "where's my waterproof with two capes? I've + missed—er—" I hesitate, being still uncertain.</p> + + <p>A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He + pauses in his swift career, as if catching my last words. I + hear him repeat, "Missed—er—" and then "Capes." To + this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir, I'll tell him," and + vanishes.</p> + + <p>"<i>Tell him?</i>" Oh, probably he means that he will tell + the other Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double + capes. But to make assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of + the stairs and call out, "Wrapper—with two + capes—probably in the hall—don't see it here." To + which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the + Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something + inaudible, finishing with, "up there."</p> + + <p>I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy + and refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have + left the door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof + wrapper, I am turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the + old stage-directions have it, a distinguished-looking + gentleman, bearded and moustached, white-vested, and generally + "in full fig."—(<i>Mem.</i>—Write to <i>Notes and + Queries, Unde derivatur</i>—"Full fig?") who advances + briskly but quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made + some mistake in the number of his room. At least, I hope the + mistake isn't on <i>my</i> part, or on the urbane Manager's + part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor bows. I am about to + explain that he is in error, and that this is my room, when he + deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you; my + name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am + sure, Sir, I am more than delighted to see <i>you</i>!" and he + proffers his hand, which I take and shake heartily, at the same + time wondering where on earth we have met before, and why he + should be so effusively joyful at seeing me again. Suddenly, as + I release his hand, I see where the mistake is, and how it has + arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls to my mind that in + an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs to Mr. + CAPES,—Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This + amiable gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the + Proprietor himself. I also am delighted. "Very kind of him to + take this trouble," I say.</p> + + <p>"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special + kindness on his part. And as to trouble!—well, he scouts + that idea with an energetic wave of his hand. Now, he wants to + know, what will I do, where will I go, what will I take? + Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting in the Town + Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests the + considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before + dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have + tickets for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a + cigar in the smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get + to bed."</p> + + <p>I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, + shall meet some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him + immensely. As a matter of fact, however, I confide to him that + I should prefer keeping myself quiet this evening, as I have so + much to do to-morrow morning.</p> + + <p>"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most + sympathetically. "And you'd like to rest as much as possible + to-night after your journey. You'd like a table to yourself a + little later. No—no—no thanks, I'm only too + delighted."</p> + + <p>And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the + hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the + Boots, who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had + sent him for, to point me out to him, and to tell him to order + a private table for me in the <i>salle à manger</i> + "at—at?"—he queries—and I reply by inquiring + if I may fix it for 7·45, as the room will be quieter then. + "Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the + slightest difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, + "7·45," whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus + 'tis arranged.</p> + + <p>Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. + Beautiful air, not the least enervating. On the contrary, + refreshing. Returning later on to dress, I see the <i>salle à + manger</i> full to overflowing. The Medicals are all feeding + well and wisely, as Medicals ought to do. A pleasant company. + Only a few of the younger and idler spirits remain when I sit + down to my dinner about eight. Excellent <i>cuisine</i>. + Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole + pickles, beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth + beans. For wine, Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish + with Corfe Castle Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in + the sea-garden, or garden o'erlooking the sea.</p> + + <p>Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as <i>Lady + Macbeth</i> observes. Sensible person, <i>Lady Mac</i>.</p> + + <p>On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am + alone at first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical + Association has returned in force. I catch occasional bits in + conversation:—</p> + + <p>"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. + Great pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about + MCSIMMUM, all evidently more or less good, and all interesting. + I myself begin to wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have + been an acquisition.) More medical men of various ages and with + variety of spectacles. All enjoying themselves + thoroughly,—quite medical boys out for a + holiday,—but every one of them, individually and + collectively, intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. + I hear the voice of my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will + ask Mr. CAPES about this celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom + evidently I ought to know, at least by repute. Perhaps I have + known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a man with whom I + often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the + smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I + have heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't + remember.</p> + + <p>Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to + everybody. Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is + saying. It is, "My dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM <i>is</i> here. I've + seen him. He dined <span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" + id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span> alone. He said he preferred + it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several + exclaim, "But <i>where</i> is he <i>now</i>?"</p> + + <p>"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being + tired, he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. + 142, on his arrival."</p> + + <p>Heavens! The number of my room—is 142! Not another man + in <i>there</i>! No.... I see it all now, <i>I am Dr. + MCSIMMUM!</i> The real MCSIMMUM hasn't arrived, and he hasn't + sent a message. This accounts for my welcome, and the absence + of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he arrives now! + where shall <i>I</i> be?</p> + + <p>"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming + right into the midst of them.</p> + + <p>To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES + says so, but no one's seen him."</p> + + <p>"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's + staying with some friends a little way out of the town. He has + just sent me a note by hand to say that he won't occupy his + room till to-morrow, and will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will + forward by bearer a bag that was labelled and addressed to the + room taken for him here, No. 142."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/65-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-1.png" + alt="'—— Speed the Parting Guest.'" /> + </a>"—— Speed the Parting Guest." + </div> + + <p>"But—" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, + "but—"</p> + + <p>At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery + voice. Saved! I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN + HARTLEY, M.D., who, years ago, told me there was nothing the + matter with me, only I must take a holiday and go abroad to get + better (most excellent advice, and I've never been quite well + since), and who now exclaims, with all his old breadth of + manner, "What <i>you</i> here! Bravo! We'll make you an + honorary member!"</p> + + <p>The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know + what is passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. + and P.R.B.H. I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, + "Thanks; I'm here only for the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've + just come down here to look for a house. By the way, I rather + think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in my room. Let's + see."</p> + + <p>So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations <i>en + route</i>. Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I + should say in <i>his</i> room. But I've got the apartment, and + if it hadn't been for the mistake, I should have been homeless + and houseless, and a wanderer on the face of the sand at + Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors, MCSIMMUM, + and thank him for not coming to-night.</p> + + <p>As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of + the B.M.A. here assembled, in the smoking-room. The + conversation is chiefly about the use of alcohol and tobacco as + poisons. The decision arrived at towards one o'clock A.M., or, + more correctly speaking, the Inn-decision, is that, on this + particular occasion, one glass more of something or other, and + just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly hurt anybody. This + is carried <i>nem. con.</i>: and so, subsequently, we adjourn, + not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed.</p> + + <p>Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and + after examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up + above in beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank + Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality + shown me in his exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by + the swift 2·5 P.M. train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4·30 to + the moment. Of course I am now expecting my diploma as Honorary + Member of the British Medical Association.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANOTHER JUBILEE.—That of the Old Stagers at + Canterbury. Free List entirely suspended at the Theatre, with + the exception of just <i>A Scrap Of Paper</i> in the house.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>KURDS AND AWAY!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/65-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Indignant we spoke out, and any amount</p> + + <p>Of strong language we used when we read the + account,</p> + + <p>And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we + heard</p> + + <p>Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of + life,</p> + + <p>We wiped out the insult with war to the knife;</p> + + <p>And it only redoubled our anger to read</p> + + <p>That the girl—so they said—had abandoned + her creed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't + true;</p> + + <p>Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to + do,</p> + + <p>Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's + track,</p> + + <p>And we wept in our joy when we knew she was + back.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the wonderful ending remains to be told,</p> + + <p>For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold,</p> + + <p>And embracing her husband (as is usual with + brides)</p> + + <p>Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in + vain,</p> + + <p>We can now feel quite calm and collected again.</p> + + <p>At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice,</p> + + <p>She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the + bride!</p> + + <p>Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied!</p> + + <p>With all due respect, let us venture to say</p> + + <p>That we hope from her Kurd she will not run + away!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN.</h2> + + <p>Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my + time, I have, but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal + the picter as I seed on the werry larst day of July larst week, + when, by such a series of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, + I was priveledged for to see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE + prepare hisself, with his two lately benighted Sheriffs, in the + most scrumptious of their many rich dresses, and with the solid + gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of GARMANY about a + fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from abroad, + all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with + all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson + silk dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town + Clarks and Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing + world may see what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all + looked when in their werry best close, and with their lovely + solid gold deckorations on (as the HEMPERER and the Prince of + WALES begged and prayed as they might have one a-peace) who + arranged and carried out the grandest show of modern times, + wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to Guildhall. + Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em all + into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he + said, "Quite steddy, please!"</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:21%;"> + <a href="images/65-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/65-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of + what I saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and + that was, to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, + beginning with the Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of + poority and his black Cocked Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly + and kindly arranged for him by the hartistic Sheriff.</p> + + <p>And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord + MARE, in all his glory, retire to the Committee's + dressing-room, and there strip hisself to his werry + shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere hordnary close of + common humanety!</p> + + <p>Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool + Photygraff, for I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed + Waiter, I saw the grand pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, + and then saw it fade away like a strawbery hice on a Summer's + Day!</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.—The French Fleet may + depend upon a courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who + is the "Pink" of Politeness.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" + id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/66.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/66.png" + alt="THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY." /></a> + + <h3>THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY.</h3> + + <p><i>Miss Grundison, Junior</i>. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, + ALL ALONE IN A BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO + IMPRUDENT OF THEM!"</p> + + <p><i>Her Elder Sister</i>. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE + UPSET AND DROWNED—WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has + been a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am + thankful to agree with your Lordship in thinking that the + people of this country will recognise that it has been a + Session of hard and valuable work."—<i>Lord Salisbury + at the Mansion House</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or + DALTON;</p> + + <p class="i2">As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands + first,</p> + + <p>His wild watery way never tempted to halt on,</p> + + <p class="i2">Undaunted by cold as by hunger or + thirst.</p> + + <p>Nine months in the waves, though, no man may + enjoy;</p> + + <p>So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the + buoy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In November last year he first entered the + water,</p> + + <p class="i2">To start on this special, most arduous + swim,</p> + + <p>It was cold, with the wind in a winterly + quarter,</p> + + <p class="i2">But winds, like the waves, have small + terrors for him.</p> + + <p>You remember accounts that the papers then gave</p> + + <p>(Here's an extract) concerning this King of the + Wave.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), + started yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt—the + first having been a failure—to swim from Tithes Pier to + Purchase Point Buoy. It was an unfavourable time of the year + for such an unprecedented feat of natation, but the Hatfield + Champion was confident of success. He is a perfect whale at + long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk of 'twenty + years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative + trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF—more commonly known + as the Sanguine Old 'Un—was equally confident. Two boats + accompanied the Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, + SMIFF, and in the other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One + thing, indeed, was in the Hatfield man's favour; his lately + cocky and contemptuous competitors had been 'weeded out' by a + fortuitous series of adverse circumstances, including what + SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation, + subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' + The Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had + become so thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and + disputes between them and their backers, that there was not a + single 'Paddy' prepared to enter the water when the signal + 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY, therefore, had it all to + himself; the performance practically resolves itself into a + trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe Bearer' is + the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to measure + himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage + of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short + time. Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will + have to contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly + breezes, &c.; the 'flowing tide' will assuredly not always + be with him, and before he gets to the end of his briny + journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will probably have 'had + enough of it.'"</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>True prognostication! But skilful natation</p> + + <p class="i2">Despite some "anxiety" and much + "fatigue,"</p> + + <p>Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's + elation."</p> + + <p class="i2">Together they've plodded o'er many a + league</p> + + <p>Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear!</p> + + <p>They were ridden with skill, though regarded with + fear.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and + breast-stroke</p> + + <p class="i2">Alternately serve him; fatigued but + unhurt,</p> + + <p>Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best + stroke!"</p> + + <p class="i2">Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. + "One spurt,</p> + + <p>My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis + done;</p> + + <p>Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've + won!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>OPERATIC BIRDS.—M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to + sing in Mr. ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, <i>The Light of + Asia</i>. Where was TRA-LA-LARA when <i>The Light of Asia</i> + didn't come out? M. MAUREL seems to have said, that, if the + Opera were produced this season, he'd be blowed if he sang, and + the Opera would probably be damned, theatrically and + operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL of the story. + <i>The Light of Asia</i> mustn't be snuffed out altogether, but + it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as + TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time + coming, and good tunes too, we hope.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AMENDE HONORABLE.—In making up the list of outside + contributors, <i>Mr. Punch's</i> Private Secretary regrets + having omitted the name of JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the + Bloomsburians, and the determined foe of Mud Salad Market and + Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the initials, "HONEST + JOHN," will now be satisfied.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" + id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/67.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/67.png" + alt="'A LONG DISTANCE SWIM.'" /></a> + + <h3>"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."</h3>W.H. SM-TH. + "HOORAY!—ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" + id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span> + + <h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + + <h3>BANK HOLIDAY.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled + with a dense throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat + commanding the most distant view of a Variety Performance + on the Great Stage, has been occupied an hour in advance. + The less punctual stand and enjoy the spectacle of other + persons' hats or bonnets. Gangs of Male and Female + Promenaders jostle and hustle to their hearts' content, or + perform the war-song and dance of the Lower-class</i> + 'ARRY, <i>which consists in chanting "Oi tiddly-oi-toi; + hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women sit on chairs + and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy of young men + and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of love; the + first dawn of the tender passion being intimated, on the + part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner and + partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly + conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by + thumping him between the shoulders. From time to time, two + champions contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who + may usually be heard bellowing inconsolably in the + background. A small but increasing per-centage have already + had as much liquid refreshment as is good for them, and + intend to have more. Altogether, the scene, if festive, + might puzzle an Intelligent Foreigner who is more familiar + with Continental ideas of enjoyment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Damsel</i> (<i>in a ruby plush hat with a mauve + feather</i>). Why, if they yn't got that bloomin' ole + statute down from Charin' Cross! What's <i>'e</i> doin' of + down 'ere, I wonder?</p> + + <p><i>Her Swain</i> (<i>whose feather is only pink and + white paper</i>). Doin' of? Tykin' 's d'y orf—like + the rest of us are tykin' it.</p> + + <p><i>The Damsel</i> (<i>giggling</i>). You go on—you + don't green <i>me</i> that w'y—a statute!</p> + + <p><i>Swain</i>. Well, 'yn't this what they call a + "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Damsel</i> (<i>in high appreciation of his + humour</i>). I'll fetch you <i>sech</i> a slap in a minnit! + 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback.</p> + + <p><i>Another Damsel</i> (<i>in a peacock-blue hat with + orange pompons</i>). See that nekked young man on the big + 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the stand. 'Oo was + <i>'e</i>?.</p> + + <p><i>Alf</i>. Oh, <i>I</i>'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im + as invented the Castor Ile.</p> + + <p><i>The Damsel</i> (<i>disgusted</i>). Fancy their + puttin' up a monument to <i>'im</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Superior 'Arry</i> (<i>talking Music-halls to his + Adored One</i>). 'Ave you 'eard her sing "<i>Come where the + Booze is Cheapest</i>"?</p> + + <p><i>The Adored</i>. Lots o' toimes. I <i>do</i> like + <i>'er</i> singing. She mykes sech comical soigns—and + then the <i>things</i> she sez! But I've 'eard she's very + common in her tork, and that—<i>orf</i> the + styge.</p> + + <p><i>The S.A.</i> I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em + <i>are</i> that way. You can't 'ave <i>everythink</i>!</p> + + <p><i>His Adored</i>. No, it <i>is</i> a pity, though. + 'Spose we go out, and pl'y Kiss in the Ring? [<i>They + do.</i></p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Among the Ethnological Models.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Wife of British Workman</i> (<i>spelling out placard + under Hottentot Group</i>). "It is extremely probable that + this interesting race will be completely exterminated at no + very distant period." Pore things!</p> + + <p><i>British Workman</i> (<i>with philosophy</i>). Well, + <i>I</i> shan't go inter mournin' for 'em, SAIRER!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/69.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/69.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Lambeth Larrikin</i> (<i>in a pasteboard + "pickelhaube," and a false nose, thoughtfully, to</i> + BATTERSEA BILL, <i>who is wearing an old grey chimney-pot + hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they + contemplate a party of Botocudo natives</i>). Rum the + sights these 'ere savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, + BILL?</p> + + <p><i>Batt. Bill</i> (<i>more thoughtfully</i>). Yer + right—but I dessay if you and me 'ad been born among + that lot, <i>we</i> shouldn't care <i>'ow</i> we + looked!</p> + + <p><i>Vauxhall Voilet</i> (<i>who has exchanged headgear + with</i> CHELSEA CHORLEY—<i>with dismal results</i>). + They <i>are</i> cures those blackies! Why, yer carn't + 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll + be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their + myusic.</p> + + <p><i>Chelsea Chorley</i>. Good job we can't <i>'ear</i> + 'em. They say as niggers' music is somethink downright + horful. Give us "<i>Hi-tiddly-hi</i>" on that mouth-orgin + o' yours, will yer?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[VAUXHALL VOILET <i>obliges on that instrument; everyone + in the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt + party, dancing.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Pimply Youth</i>. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's + the stuff they gits as stoopid as biled howls on—it's + about time we went and did another beer. [<i>They retire + for that purpose.</i></p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">During the Fireworks.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Chorus of Spectators</i>. There's another lot o' + bloomin' rockets gowin orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What + a lark if the sticks come down on somebody's 'ed! There, + didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a shower o' foiry + smuts. Lor, so they do—what a fancy you <i>do</i> + 'ave, &c., &c.</p> + </div> + + <h4 class="sc">Coming Home.</h4> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>An Old Gentleman</i> (<i>who has come out with the + object of observing Bank Holiday manners—which he has + done from a respectful distance—to his friend, as + they settle down in an empty first-class compartment</i>). + There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the + crush begins. Now, to <i>me</i>, y'know, this has been a + most interesting and gratifying experience—wonderful + spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying itself in its + own way—boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, + with marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to + see—but you don't agree with me?</p> + + <p><i>His Friend</i> (<i>reluctantly</i>). Well, I must say + it struck me as rather pathetic than—</p> + + <p><i>The O.G.</i> (<i>testily</i>). Pathetic, + Sir—nonsense! I like to see people putting their + <i>heart</i> into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a + crowd—</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden + irruption of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the + compartment.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Man by the Window</i>. Third-class as good as fust, + these days! There's ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole + son—room for one more standin'!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>["OLE FRED" <i>plays himself in with a triumphal blast + on a tin trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof + with his stick, as he leans against the door.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Ole Fred</i>. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one + on the jaw, and I ain't seen 'im since! (<i>Sings, + sentimentally, at the top of a naturally powerful + voice</i>.) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was boys! + Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each + hother's—beer!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A "paraprosdokian," which delights him + to the point of repetition.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i> Might I ask you to make a little less + disturbance there Sir? [<i>Whimpers from over-tired + children.</i></p> + + <p><i>Ole Fred</i> (<i>roaring</i>). "I'm jolly as a + Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king! No matter what I see or 'ear, + I larf at heverything! I'm the morril of my moth-ar, + (<i>to</i> O.G.) the himage of <i>your</i> Par! And + heverythink I see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He laughs "Ar-har," after which he + gives a piercing blast upon the trumpet, with stick + obbligato on the roof.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i> (<i>roused</i>). I really <i>must</i> + beg you not to be such an infernal nuisance! There are + women and children here who—</p> + + <p><i>Old Fred</i>. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! + (<i>Screams of laughter from women and children, which + encourage him to sing again.</i>) "An' the roof is + copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my + double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (<i>To people on + platform, as train stops.</i>) <i>Come</i> in, oh, lor, + <i>do</i>! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi! hoi-toi-oy!"</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The rest take up the refrain—"'Ave a + drink an' wet your eye," &c., and beat time with + their boots.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>The O.G.</i>. If this abominable noise goes on, I + shall call the guard—disgraceful, coming in drunk + like this!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" + id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span> + + <p><i>The Man by the Window</i>. 'Ere, dry up, + Guv'nor—<i>'e</i> ain't 'ad enough to 'urt 'im, + <i>'e</i> ain't!</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Females</i> (<i>to O.G.</i>). An' Bank + 'Oliday, too—you orter to be <i>ashimed</i> o' + yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you on'y let + him alone!</p> + + <p><i>Old Fred</i> (<i>to O.G.</i>). Ga-arn, yer + pore-'arted ole choiner boy! (<i>Says, dismally</i>), "Ow! + for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the dyes gorn boy! + Ow! for the"—(<i>changing the + melody</i>)—"'omeless, I wander in lonely distress. + No one ter pity me—none ter caress!" (<i>Here he + sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently + cheers up.</i>) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome + toight! I'm a rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a + foight." Any man 'ere wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole + Frecklefoot! (<i>To the</i> O.G., <i>who perspires + freely.</i>) Oh, I <i>am</i> enj'yin' myself! [<i>He keeps + up this agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the + remainder of the journey, which—as the train stops + everywhere, and takes quite three-quarters of an hour in + getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to + Victoria—affords a signal proof of his social + resources, though it somewhat modifies the</i> O.G.'s + <i>enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a Bank + Holiday.</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/70-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70-1.png" + alt="THE FESTIVE FORCEPS." /></a> + + <h3>THE FESTIVE FORCEPS.</h3>(<i>A Dream of the Dentist's + Chair.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>"On the Square."</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good + catch,"</p> + + <p class="i2">So lisp rosy lips that romance little + reck.</p> + + <p>Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match</p> + + <p class="i2">Is won by "perpetual cheque."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION.</h3> + + <p>In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly + written by Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in <i>The + Fortnightly</i> for this month, the author quotes a verse from + the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he writes it, "John + Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by that name + was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the best + of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the + air of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"My name is JIM COLLINS,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Ead-vaiter at Limmers',</p> + + <p>The corner of Conduck Street,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Anover Square.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And my hokkipashun</p> + + <p class="i2">Is sarvin' out liquors</p> + + <p>To such sportin' covies</p> + + <p class="i2">As chance to come <i>there</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and + the ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars + and extinct Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and + late nights, more of the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the + veneered version for the drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., + M.D. We may be wrong, but—we don't think we are.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>AFTER LUNCH.</h3> + + <h4><i>A Fancy Sketch, Copied from Cobb.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal + profession having acquired habits of intemperance in + consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic + drinks in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea + and coffee."—<i>Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the + Law Courts</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Apartment in the Chancery Division. + Time</i>, 2·15 P.M. Judge, Bar, Solicitors, <i>and</i> + Public <i>discovered in a state more easily imagined + (by</i> Mr. COBB<i>) than described.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>thickly</i>). What want + t'know—what-do-next? (<i>Smiles.</i>) Very hot! Very + hot indeed! [<i>Frowns.</i></p> + + <p><i>First Q.C.</i> (<i>rising unsteadily</i>). P'raps + m'Lord let m'explain! Case of + <i>Brown</i>-versus-<i>Smith</i>, should + say—course—<i>Smith</i>-versus-<i>Brown</i>. + (<i>Smiles.</i>) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [<i>Sits down + abruptly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>angrily</i>). Very irregular this! + Commit—contempt—Court!</p> + + <p><i>Second Q.C.</i> (<i>leaning luxuriously on desk</i>). + P'raps m'Lord let me explain. Learned friend—drunk! + [<i>Disappears under his seat.</i></p> + + <p><i>Judge</i> (<i>angrily, to</i> Second Q.C.) So you! so + everybody! (<i>With maudlin tenderness</i>.) Must respect + Court! (<i>Savagely.</i>) You are all + disgusting—disgustingly—'tosticated! + Adjourn—morrow mornin'. Usher, brandy sodah! + [<i>Scene closes in—fortunately!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/70-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/70-2.png" + alt="'No Hankey-Pankey with me.'" /></a>"No + Hankey-Pankey with me." + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 27</i>.—Quite like + old times to-night. Public business interrupted, and private + Member suspended. The victim is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; + been on the rampage all last week; a terror to the Clerks' + table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making the + Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have + a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, + suddenly popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, + "Ah, ah!" "No, you don't!" "Would you, then?" and other + discursive remarks. Curious how ATKINSON, indulging in these + luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts by others to enjoy + similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his grievances just + now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. "One of the + Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, said, + 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'"</p> + + <p>"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt + manner that becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the + Consolidated Bank. "Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this + simple interjection? Are you to appropriate all the O's in the + alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the Table a man and a brother, and + why may he not, if the idea flashes across his active brain, + say, 'Oh! oh!'?"</p> + + <p>That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to + his senses. Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters + in that light. Great advantage having a man like HANKEY going + round prepared at moment's notice to take common-sense view of + situation and depict it in terse language. Sobering effect on + ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER was narrating + circumstances on which he had based charge against him of + frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing + about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! + ah!" "No you don't!" and offering other pertinent but + fragmentary remarks.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" + id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/71.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/71.png" + alt="THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING." /></a> + + <h3>THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.</h3> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" + id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span> + + <p>"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the + Varden household, when <i>Miss Miggs</i> returns expecting to + be re-instated in her old place of predominance, near the + person of <i>Dolly's</i> mother. You remember how, when she + finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and betrays her + mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she had + the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' <i>Miss Miggs</i> + continues, 'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! + He, he, he! Nor master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"</p> + + <p>So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of + successive Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. + JOKIM at one time, startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right + ear as he was making very ordinary observation, nearly fell + over the folded hands he was nervously rubbing. Situation + growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping up with ever-increasing + vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" growing in + frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; but + supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and + Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or + would the Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see + revival of the old game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend + GOSSET used to perform a <i>pas de deux</i> between the gaping + doorway and the astonished Mace? Happily ATKINSON (still like + <i>Miss Miggs</i>, as SARK insists) suddenly collapsed.</p> + + <p>"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an + Hon. Member to withdraw."</p> + + <p>"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," + and here he dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "<i>I will + come back.</i>" Then, gathering up his papers, he tripped + lightly forth, and the Varden household—I mean the House + of Commons, dropped once more into commonplace.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:26%;"> + <a href="images/72-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-1.png" + alt="Nothing if not critical." /></a>Nothing if not + critical. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—ATKINSON expelled for a + week.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, + and was much pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in + Motion suspending Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all + hours of the night, and wind up business of Session. "We may," + he observed, "apply, with a little variation, the late Mr. + MOORE's verse:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The best of all ways to shorten our days</p> + + <p>Is to steal a few hours from the night."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not + critical.</p> + + <p>"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are + a pair of feet left out. But <i>you</i> know, TOBY, how they + run. The last line should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the + night, my Love.' Now, theoretically, and in accordance with + order, all our observations are directed personally to the + SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been said if I had completed + the quotation! I should have been accused of frivolity, and + perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what I'm + about, even when quoting poetry."</p> + + <p>Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing + in House just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man + who prattles on unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. + ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all satisfied with condition of + affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on him; left him nowhere. + Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In Committee on Irish + Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by £1000; + proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee + thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for + themselves. Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten + minutes; then he sat down, moving reduction in dumb show.</p> + + <p>Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; + would have given him much livelier impression of the place than + he gained when he sat in Gallery just after Questions, + listening to CLARK discoursing about Scotch Crofters to + audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. <i>Business + done.</i>—Committee of Supply.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—House rapidly thinning; + AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to keep his men together; falling + off like leaves in wintry weather. Been a long Session, and a + weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and Country kept us + here unto this last.</p> + + <p>"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't + know how you'll get on without me, dear boys."</p> + + <p>"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered + in the smoke-room for the last cigarette.</p> + + <p>"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to + the country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done + to private feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, + but RUSTEM ROOSE, He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to + Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' like ATKINSON and another ancient + Roman (of whom you may have read in school-books), 'I return.' + In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't let him overwork + himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is precious to + all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on the + Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires + from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There + are quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, + who cannot resist, what must, indeed, be their natural + inclination, the call to immolate themselves on the funeral + pyre. There's ——, and ——, and + —— ——." (Wild horses couldn't drag + these names from me. Anyone interested should write to the + SAGE, <i>Poste Restante Marienbad</i>.) "They could not think + of lingering on the political scene after the retirement of the + head of the family. I shall certainly attend the Suttee. It + will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, + moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury + Bench."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/72-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/72-2.png" + alt="An Idea." /></a>An Idea. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done</i>.—SAGE goes off by the Club train. + The two muffled-up figures seen in the background of the + station are emissaries of AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the + mission of ascertaining whether he's really gone.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—House sitting to-day. Should have + prorogued yesterday at latest; but, somehow, drifting on; + Members, for their part, drifting off; affairs reached lowest + level; business practically wound up; but House must needs sit + another week in order that Appropriation Bill may be got + through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.</p> + + <p>Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, + Q.C., with legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that + has wagged a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive + brow. "Got a headache?" I asked, that being the most natural + thing under the circumstances.</p> + + <p>"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned + holiday, leaving others to look after the Appropriation + Bill."</p> + + <p>"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that + enthusiasm which has so often influenced amount of damages in + breach of promise cases. <i>Business + done.</i>—Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for + remaining days of Session.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>The Song of a Coming Celebrity.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, + on retirement of Alderman EVANS.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day,</p> + + <p>Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky + GRAY;</p> + + <p>To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the + Ci-tee,</p> + + <p>GRAY was clearly born to be great—and I am + he!</p> + + <p>I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin;</p> + + <p>I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin,</p> + + <p>But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be,</p> + + <p>For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the + Ci-tee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.—<i>Legal + Fiction.</i>—The Lord Chief Justice was certainly a + little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange morality, and it + is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant criticism + of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question but + that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this + country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal + Intelligence" is often very defective.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14808-h/images/61.png b/14808-h/images/61.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a78579 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/61.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/62.png b/14808-h/images/62.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a396650 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/62.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/63.png b/14808-h/images/63.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed5df4b --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/63.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/64.png b/14808-h/images/64.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..09ef481 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/64.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/65-1.png b/14808-h/images/65-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bdeeced --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/65-1.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/65-2.png b/14808-h/images/65-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23a5991 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/65-2.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/65-3.png b/14808-h/images/65-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e55d86a --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/65-3.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/66.png b/14808-h/images/66.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a015795 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/66.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/67.png b/14808-h/images/67.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..585b4e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/67.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/69.png b/14808-h/images/69.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fa0ef3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/69.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/70-1.png b/14808-h/images/70-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97704ad --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/70-1.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/70-2.png b/14808-h/images/70-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5010634 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/70-2.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/71.png b/14808-h/images/71.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c31bab --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/71.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/72-1.png b/14808-h/images/72-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5052ee --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/72-1.png diff --git a/14808-h/images/72-2.png b/14808-h/images/72-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..51f50b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14808-h/images/72-2.png |
