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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+August 8, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+LARKS FOR LONDONERS.
+
+Sir,--Certainly throw open all our Town Halls for gratuitous concerts
+and dances! But that's not half enough. Some of us don't care for
+dancing, and abhor music. What I propose is that Free Billiard-tables
+should be established in each parish. Billiards is much better
+exercise than sitting still on a chair listening to singing. Then
+there ought to be places where one could get municipal tobacco
+without paying for it. Tobacco is just as much a necessary of life
+as education--more so, in fact, in my opinion. On winter evenings it
+would also be nice to be able to step over to one's Town Hall and have
+a glass or two of free ale, or "wine from the wood"--also from the
+rates. I don't pay rates myself, as I happen to live in a flat, but
+I am sure the ratepayers will immediately recognise the justice of my
+demands.
+
+  UNBIASSED.
+
+Sir,--By all means let us try to give more pleasure to the people. The
+pleasure, however, should be of a distinctly elevating kind. I would
+advocate throwing open the South Kensington Natural History Museum in
+the evening. This would be most useful, especially to people living
+at the East End, and the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps not
+rollicking, would at all events be solid. To keep out undesirable
+characters, it would be as well to admit nobody who could not produce
+his baptismal certificate, and a recommendation from the clergyman
+of his parish, countersigned by a resident J.P. I am sure that people
+would jump at a chance of an evening among the _Coleoptera_.
+
+  Yours, NATURALIST.
+
+Sir,--I cannot understand why people should ask for more amusement
+than they get at present. Have not they the Parks to walk about in? In
+wet weather they can take shelter under trees. In winter they ought
+to stay at home in the evenings, and enjoy reading aloud to their
+families. I would even go so far as to allow an occasional game at
+draughts. Chess is too exciting, and of course backgammon is out of
+the question, because of the deadly dice-box. For the frivolously
+inclined, "Puss in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game. I throw out
+these observations for what they may be worth, and trusting that they
+will not be regarded as dangerously subversive of morality, I remain,
+
+  Yours grimly, HOME, SWEET HOME!
+
+Sir,--The movement for turning our Town Halls into places of amusement
+is an excellent one. What I would like to suggest is, that the
+Vestrymen should themselves take part in the entertainments. Why not
+have weekly theatrical performances, with parts found for all local
+Authorities? I feel convinced that _Hamlet_, played by our Vestry,
+would be worth going miles to see. The Dust Contractor could play
+the _Ghost_, while minor characters could be sustained by the Medical
+Officer of Health, the Chaplain of the Workhouse, and others; the
+Chairman, of course, would figure in the title _rôle_. A topical comic
+song, by the Board of Guardians, with breakdown, might serve as a
+pleasing interlude; breakdowns in local matters are, I believe, not
+unknown already. The idea is worth considering. I think the Vestrymen
+owe something to the ratepayers in return for the votes we give them.
+
+  Yours, MERRY ANDREW.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRUISERS AND BOLUSES.--A "Champion" pugilist is even more presumptuous
+than a popular Pill. He claims to be "Worth a Thousand Guineas a
+'Box.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER THE SEASON.
+
+_A PROPOSAL FIN DE SIÈCLE._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Farewell! since the Season is over,
+    Ah me, but its moments were sweet!
+  You are oft', _viâ_ Folkestone or Dover,
+    To some Continental retreat.
+  On Frenchman and German you'll lavish
+    The smiles that can madden me still;
+  While I, with the gillie McTavish,
+    Am breasting the heather-clad hill.
+
+  Oh, do you remember the dances,
+    The dearest were those we sat out,
+  How I frowned when detecting your glances
+    On others, which caused you to pout?
+  You are changeful and coy and capricious,
+    A weathercock easily blown;
+  But when shall I hear the delicious
+    One word that proclaims you my own?
+
+  They say that an eloquent passion
+    Has long become quite out of date,
+  That true love is never the fashion,
+    And marriage a wearisome state.
+  They conjure up many a bogie,
+    To guard a man's bachelor life,
+  And keep him a selfish old fogey,
+    And stop him from taking a wife.
+
+  They vow that a wife needs a carriage,
+    And opera-boxes and stalls,
+  That money's the one thing in marriage,
+    And cheques are as common as calls.
+  They say women shy (like some horses)
+    At vows made to love and obey;
+  They tell you drear tales of divorces,
+    And scandals, the talk of the day.
+
+  But hang all those cynical railings,
+    Just write me one exquisite line
+  To say you'll look over my failings,
+    And promise me you will be mine.
+  And though I'm aware it's the merest
+    Small matter of detail, to clear
+  The ground, I may mention, my dearest,
+    I've full thirty thousand a year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BACON AND A MOUTHFUL.--Last Friday His Honour Judge BACON had to
+decide a case which was headed in the papers "Cagliostromantheon."
+What a mouthful! Mrs. CHURCHILL-JODRELL, who was a fair defendant, won
+the case; and His Honour--this appeal having been made to His Honour
+by Mr. B. PLAYFAIR, an excellent name for any gentleman, on or off the
+stage, but especially for one described as "an actor,"--decided that
+His Honour was satisfied. Peace with His Honour!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW TORY NURSERY RHYME.
+
+(_BY "A CAMBRIDGE PARSON_.")
+
+    ["The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is the policy
+    of 'Dishing.'"--_Sir W. Harcourt_.]
+
+  Hey diddle diddle,
+  The voters we'd fiddle
+    With Free Education--that "boon."
+  But Wisbech birds laugh
+  At such plain party "chaff,"
+    And the "Dish"--at the polls--proves a "Spoon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM GRANDOLPH THE EXPLORER.
+
+Oh, for one hour of the Amphytrion! I can't even send you a digest
+of the news generally, for my power to digest is already becoming
+seriously impaired. Here, indeed, as say the Witches in _Macbeth_ (I
+think it's the Witches, but haven't my _Shakspeare_ handy, I mean
+my _Handy Shakspeare_, with me--wish I had), "Fowl is Fare." Send my
+Pilgrim's Scrip next week. Till then, Yours ever, GRANDOLPH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN!
+
+_A LAY FOR THE LIFEBOAT SERVICE._
+
+    [An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the Royal National
+    Lifeboat Institution, which is declared to be "in dire
+    financial straits," the deficit for last year being £33,000.
+    Subscriptions and donations will be thankfully received
+    by CHARLES DIBDIN, Esq., Secretary, R.N.L.I., 14, St. John
+    Street, Adelphi, London, W.C.]
+
+  True "tuneful CHARLEY is no more,"
+    As DIBDIN's Monument informs us;
+  But memory of the man who bore
+    That honoured name still stirs and warms us.
+  And here's another of his name,
+    Who still the British Sailor's serving;
+  Then who could see without sore shame
+    JOHN BULL from _his_ plain duty swerving?
+
+  Thirty-three Thousand to the bad,
+    Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory?
+  Nay, JOHN, that will _not_ do, my lad;
+    Next year must tell a different story.
+  Think, what would "tuneful CHARLEY" say
+    To such a thing? In racy lingo,
+  Upon our backs his lash he'd lay,
+    And give the slothful Britons "stingo."
+
+  Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved,
+    Our Life-boat rescuers, already.
+  The seas around our shores they've braved,
+    With valour prompt and patience steady.
+  Shall they be floored for _L.S.D._,
+    Because JOHN BULL his pockets buttons?
+  Then the old keepers of the Sea
+    Must be, in pluck, as dead as muttons.
+
+  True, lads, on such a text as this
+    "We sadly miss old CHARLEY's line;"
+  But were we mute, Neptune would hiss
+    His sons degenerate off the brine.
+  Old "CHARLEY" spins his yarns no more!
+    He's dead, as _Scrooge_ declared old _Marley_.
+  What then? Wake up, from shore to shore,
+     And--send your guineas to _Young_ CHARLEY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GREAT SCOT!"
+
+    [Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control, from a stolid
+    but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at Bisley and Wimbledon, after
+    the match at the latter place between picked twenties of the
+    London Scottish and the London Rifle Brigade, won easily by
+    the former team.]
+
+  Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot,
+  And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot.
+  This particular "Saxon" the hump has got,
+  Being licked by a team which is Picked _and_ Scot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SETTING THEIR CAPS AT HIM; OR, AN AUTOCRAT IN ODD
+COMPANY.
+
+    ["Never," said the CZAR, at the Imperial dinner to which
+    the Officers of the French Fleet were invited, "could I have
+    believed that Republican Sailors, that Republican Soldiers,
+    could have such a bearing."--_Times_.
+
+    "The CZAR has, at the instance of the United States, ordered a
+    temporary relaxation of the measures for the expulsion of the
+    Jews from Russia."--_Times_.]
+
+_Autocrat_ (_aside_). "HUMPH! CHARMING CREATURES, BOTH; BUT CAN'T SAY
+I LIKE THEIR COSTUMES!"]
+
+  "How happy could I be with either?"
+    Humph! N-n-o-o, I can hardly say _that_!
+  Yet here we are, tripping together,
+    Republics and proud Autocrat!
+  Two cats and a Boreal Bruin!--
+    So satire will say, I've no doubt.
+  And some will declare it must ruin
+    The Russdom once ruled by the knout.
+  I wonder--I very much wonder--
+    What NICK to this sight would have said--
+  I fear he'd have looked black as thunder,
+    And savage as RURIC the Red.
+  For this did we lose the Crimea?
+    For this did we larrup the Jews?
+  I really had not an idea
+    Republics could rule--and amuse.
+  Miss FRANCE looks extremely coquettish.
+    How well Miss COLUMBIA can coax!
+  The Teuton, no doubt, will look pettish,
+    The Briton will grumble "a hoax."
+  Aha! I can snub a Lord Mayor,
+    And give shouting Emperors a hint;
+  I back _La Belle France_. Her betrayer
+    My meaning must see, plain as print.
+  My reply to the great Guildhall grumble
+    Had less of politeness than pith,
+  But--well I've no wish so to humble
+    My friend Mr. EMORY SMITH,
+  Or CRAWFORD, the Consul. No thank ye,
+    _Persona gratissima_, he;
+  And therefore I yield to the Yankee
+    The boon I refused to J.B.
+  But yet, all the same, it _is_ funny
+    To see Three like us in One Boat.
+  COLUMBIA looks dulcet as honey,
+    Miss F.'s every glance is a gloat.
+  I never imagined Republics
+    Could have such a "bearing" as these.
+  Enjoyingly as a bear cub licks
+    The comb sweetly filled by the bees,
+  I list to their flattering-chatter;
+    Their voices are pleasant--in praise;
+  But--well, though it seems a small matter,
+    I _don't_ like that dashed "_Marseillaise_."
+  And "_Israel in Egypt_" sounds pointed
+    I'd Pharaoh the miscreants--but stay,
+  My soliloquy's getting disjointed,
+    I've promised! COLUMBIA looks gay,
+  _La Belle France_ displays a _grande passion_;
+    My arms they unitedly press.
+  One thing though; the Phrygian fashion
+    Is not _my_ ideal of dress.
+  They swear that they both love me dearly,
+    Their "best of old Autocrat Chaps!"
+  They are setting their Caps at me, clearly,
+    But,--well, _I don't quite like the Caps!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAPLESS MAID.
+
+    ["The plaintiff gave evidence that she was engaged as a sort
+    of house and parlour-maid ... and was discharged after she
+    had been there nine days, because she refused to wear a
+    cap ... His Honour: I do not think she was bound to wear a
+    cap."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+    What shall we do with our Maid?
+      How shall we treat her best?
+  Shall the gems that are rare be strewed in her hair?
+      And shall she in silks be drest?
+    Shall we make her a gift of gold?
+      Shall we make her our queen? Perhaps.
+  But whatever we make her, wherever we take her,
+      We never must make her wear caps.
+
+    Imperious, capless, supreme,
+      Do just as you please evermore;
+  And wear what you will, for we shall be
+      And never complain as before.
+    We may put all our money in mines,
+      We may put all our cheese into traps,
+  But we put, it is clear, our foot in it, dear,
+      When we try to put you into caps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+    ["It needs no argument to show that in the summer of 1893
+    Mr. GLADSTONE is less likely to take an active part in any
+    electoral contest than he can be in the spring or autumn of
+    1892."--_Mr. Edward Dicey, on "The Next Parliament."_]
+
+  "Time's on our side," said GLADSTONE. DICEY, too,
+  Takes Edax Rerum as his friend most true.
+  GLADSTONE Time's "Hour Glass" trusts; but DICEY's blithe
+  Because _his_ hopes are centred on Time's _scythe_.
+  Faith lives in Life, but Fear's most vigorous breath
+  Lives "in the sure and certain hope"--of Death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RESIGNATION.
+
+  "Fire! Fire!"
+  "Where? where?'
+  SHAW's resigned.
+  Then find
+  Another one!
+  Many gone?
+  Fire! Where?
+  Here's a scare!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW WAY OF PAYING CHURCH DEBTS.
+
+(_Vide "Liverpool Daily Post," July 23 1891._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UPON A GLOVE.
+
+(_AFTER THE FASHION--MORE OR LESS--OF HERRICK._)
+
+  Oh, limp and leathery type of Social Sham,
+      And Legislative Flam!
+  Which cunning CUNNINGHAME and MATTHEWS cool
+      (Both prompt to play the fool,
+  In free-lance fashion or official form)
+      Prattled of, 'midst a storm
+  Of crackling laughter, and ironic cheers,
+      And sniggering, "Hear, hears!"--
+  Thou summest well the humbug of our lives.
+      The fistic "bunch of fives"
+  Is not like JULIA's jewelled "palm of milk"
+      Shrouded in kid or silk,
+  But JULIA was a sensuous little "sell,"
+      And SMITH and PRITCHARD--well,
+  One would not like a clump upon the head
+      From the teak-noddled "TED,"
+  Or e'en a straight sockdollager from "JEM;"
+      But somehow "bhoys" like them,
+  Who mill three rounds to an uproarious "house,"
+      And only nap "a mouse,"
+  Though one before the end of the third bout
+      Is clean "knocked out,"--
+  Such burly, brawny buffetters for hire,
+      Who in ten minutes tire,
+  And clutch the ropes, and turn a Titan back
+      To shun the impending thwack,--
+  Such "Champions" smack as much of trick and pelf
+      As venal JULIA's self.
+  GRAHAM may be a "specialist," no doubt,
+      And "What _is_ a knock-out?"
+  _May_ mystify ingenuous MATTHEWS much;
+      But Truth's Ithuriel touch
+  Applied to pulpy "JEM" and steely "TED,"
+      (Of "slightly swollen" head)
+  As well as unsophisticated COBB,
+      (If Truth were "on the job,")
+  Might find False Show and Pharisaic "Stodge,"
+      And Law-evading dodge,
+  Dissimulating "Innocence," sham bravery,
+      Blind Justice, lynx-eyed knavery,
+  All the material the Satirist loves,
+      In those same "four-ounce gloves"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMITTED FROM PORTRAIT GALLERY
+
+AT THE ROYAL NAVAL EXHIBITION.
+
+Portrait of William Hatley, Black-Eye'd Susan, and Captain Crosstree,
+R.N.
+
+Portrait of Tom Bowline. Also a picture of Davy Jones, to be presented
+by Mr. Frederick Locker.
+
+A Horse Marine, A.D. 1815.
+
+Portrait of William Taylor, as a gay young fellow. Also his affianced
+bride, as "William Carr," after she had "dabbled her lily-white hands
+in the nasty pitch and tar."
+
+Picture of somebody, name unknown, inquiring of Benjamin Bolt whether
+or no he happened to remember "Sweet Alice, sweet Alice with hair so
+brown, who wept with delight when you (B.B.) gave her a smile, and
+trembled with fear at your (B.B.'s) frown?" The portrait also of the
+aforesaid Alice, evidently rather a weak-minded young person.
+
+Also pictures of "Pol" and "Partner Joe;" and a likeness of "Black
+Brandon," very rare, in "penny plain" form, or "twopence coloured."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WITH THE B.M.A. AT BOURNEMOUTH.
+
+In order to satisfy myself as to truth in conflicting reports about
+Bournemouth as a summer resort, I take express 12·30 from Waterloo,
+and go straight away to my terminus, stopping, if I remember rightly,
+only twice on the road. First-rate run, through lovely scenery, with
+the London and South-Western Pack; found at Waterloo, and, with the
+exception of a slight check of only three minutes at Southampton
+Water--scent generally lost where water is, I believe--and another
+of a few seconds at Brockenhurst, ran into our quarry at Bournemouth
+Station West, in just two hours and a half. [_Happy Thought_.--Lunch
+_en route_, between 12·30 and 3. Pullman cars attached to some trains,
+not all. Certainly recommend Pullman, where possible; all comforts at
+hand for eating and drinking: likewise smoking-room, &c., &c.]
+
+[Illustration: "WELCOME THE COMING--"
+
+"There, my dear Sir; there's your room, and I'm only charmed to have
+your company."--_Extract from Speech of the Hearty Hotel-Proprietor to
+Un-illustrious Visitor_.]
+
+Generally understood that Bournemouth is the Monte Carlo, or Nice,
+or Monaco, or Riviera of England. May be it is; if so, Monte Carlo,
+and the rest can't be so hot in summer as they are painted, for
+Bournemouth just now is (I speak of the last week in July) at a
+delightfully mean temperature,--if I may be allowed to use the word
+"mean" without implying any sort of disrespect for the Bournemouthers.
+
+Bournemouth apparently crowded. Do not remember it on any previous
+occasional visit, in autumn or spring, so crowded as at this present
+moment. Odd!
+
+"Not at all," explains flyman; "British Medical Association here. All
+sorts of festivities. Hotels all crowded. Lodgings too."
+
+If the worst come to the worst, I shall have to spend a night in a
+bathing-machine. Not bad: if fine. Can be called early; then sea-bath;
+also man to bring hot water and towels. While speculating on this
+probability, we arrive at
+
+_Royal Bath Hotel_.--Flag flying, showing that British Medical
+Association Family are at home. Other flags elsewhere express same
+idea. B.M.A. at home everywhere, of course. Array of servants in
+brown liveries and gilt buttons in outer hall, preparing to receive
+visitors. Pleasant and courteous Manager--evidently Manager--with
+foreign accent receives me smilingly. "Any difficulty about rooms?"
+I ask, nervously. "None whatever in your case," returns courteous
+Manager, bowing most graciously as he emphasises the possessive
+pronoun. In the hall are trim young ladies, pleasant matronly ladies,
+chorus of young porters and old porters, all smiling, and awaiting
+my lightest bow and heaviest baggage. I am "to be shown up." (_Absit
+omen!_) However, I am shown up. Charming room: sea-view, nearly all
+the views from the windows of Royal Bath are sea-views, take the Bath
+which way you will; and the welcome is so warm, it ought to be The
+Warm Bath Hotel.
+
+I am looking for something which has probably been left in the hall.
+"Let me see," I say, musingly, to myself, as I look round; "where's my
+waterproof with two capes? I've missed--er--" I hesitate, being still
+uncertain.
+
+A sprightly Boots is going hurriedly out of the room. He pauses in
+his swift career, as if catching my last words. I hear him repeat,
+"Missed--er--" and then "Capes." To this he adds, sharply, "Yes, Sir,
+I'll tell him," and vanishes.
+
+"_Tell him?_" Oh, probably he means that he will tell the other
+Boots to bring up my waterproof with the double capes. But to make
+assurance doubly sure, I go to the top of the stairs and call out,
+"Wrapper--with two capes--probably in the hall--don't see it here."
+To which, from somewhere down below in obscurity, the voice of the
+Boots comes up to me, "Capes in the hall," then something inaudible,
+finishing with, "up there."
+
+I return to my apartment. Lovely view. Open window. Balmy and
+refreshing breeze. Becoming aware of the fact that I have left the
+door open, expecting return of Boots with waterproof wrapper, I am
+turning to shut it, when "to me enters" as the old stage-directions
+have it, a distinguished-looking gentleman, bearded and moustached,
+white-vested, and generally "in full fig."--(_Mem._--Write to _Notes
+and Queries, Unde derivatur_--"Full fig?") who advances briskly but
+quietly towards me. My visitor has evidently made some mistake in the
+number of his room. At least, I hope the mistake isn't on _my_ part,
+or on the urbane Manager's part, in putting me up here. Smart visitor
+bows. I am about to explain that he is in error, and that this is my
+room, when he deprecates any remark by saying, "Delighted to meet you;
+my name is CAPES. The porter told me you wished to see me. I am sure,
+Sir, I am more than delighted to see _you_!" and he proffers his hand,
+which I take and shake heartily, at the same time wondering where on
+earth we have met before, and why he should be so effusively joyful
+at seeing me again. Suddenly, as I release his hand, I see where the
+mistake is, and how it has arisen. A brilliant flash of memory recalls
+to my mind that in an advertisement I have read how this hotel belongs
+to Mr. CAPES,--Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S., &c., &c. This amiable
+gentleman who bids me welcome so heartily is the Proprietor himself. I
+also am delighted. "Very kind of him to take this trouble," I say.
+
+"Not at all," he won't hear of there being any special kindness on his
+part. And as to trouble!--well, he scouts that idea with an energetic
+wave of his hand. Now, he wants to know, what will I do, where will I
+go, what will I take? Section A. of the Medical Association is meeting
+in the Town Hall, but I shall be late for that; or "perhaps," suggests
+the considerate Proprietor, "you would like to rest a bit before
+dinner at seven. Then there's the Concert afterwards. I have tickets
+for you, and no doubt on your return you'll have a cigar in the
+smoking-room with your friends, and be glad to get to bed."
+
+I thank him: most kind. I say, smilingly, that "No doubt, shall meet
+some friends;" a remark which seems to tickle him immensely. As a
+matter of fact, however, I confide to him that I should prefer keeping
+myself quiet this evening, as I have so much to do to-morrow morning.
+
+"Of course you have," assents the Proprietor most sympathetically.
+"And you'd like to rest as much as possible to-night after your
+journey. You'd like a table to yourself a little later. No--no--no
+thanks, I'm only too delighted."
+
+And, so saying, the kind Proprietor leaves me to see to the
+hundred-and-one things he has to do to-day, only stopping the Boots,
+who now arrives with the double-caped waterproof I had sent him for,
+to point me out to him, and to tell him to order a private table
+for me in the _salle à manger_ "at--at?"--he queries--and I reply by
+inquiring if I may fix it for 7·45, as the room will be quieter then.
+"Certainly," says Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, without making the slightest
+difficulty about it. Then, turning to Boots, he says, "7·45,"
+whereupon Boots repeats the mystic formula. And thus 'tis arranged.
+
+Delightful gardens of Hotel. Stroll out on to cliff. Beautiful air,
+not the least enervating. On the contrary, refreshing. Returning
+later on to dress, I see the _salle à manger_ full to overflowing.
+The Medicals are all feeding well and wisely, as Medicals ought to
+do. A pleasant company. Only a few of the younger and idler spirits
+remain when I sit down to my dinner about eight. Excellent _cuisine_.
+Couldn't be better. Salmon-trout from Christchurch, Poole pickles,
+beef from Boscombe, Hampshire ham with Bournemouth beans. For wine,
+Peter Pommery '80; and the whole to finish with Corfe Castle
+Korffee, a Lyndhurst liqueur, and cigar in the sea-garden, or garden
+o'erlooking the sea.
+
+Lovely night. Then, after a stroll, "to bed," as _Lady Macbeth_
+observes. Sensible person, _Lady Mac_.
+
+On second thoughts will look at papers in smoking-room. Am alone at
+first, but in a few minutes room crowded. Medical Association has
+returned in force. I catch occasional bits in conversation:--
+
+"Pity MCSIMMUM (or some name very like this) couldn't come. Great
+pity; missed him immensely." (Here several stories about MCSIMMUM, all
+evidently more or less good, and all interesting. I myself begin to
+wish that MCSIMMUM had arrived. He would have been an acquisition.)
+More medical men of various ages and with variety of spectacles.
+All enjoying themselves thoroughly,--quite medical boys out for
+a holiday,--but every one of them, individually and collectively,
+intensely regretting the absence of Dr. MCSIMMUM. I hear the voice of
+my friend Mr. CAPES in the passage. I will ask Mr. CAPES about this
+celebrated Dr. MCSIMMUM, whom evidently I ought to know, at least by
+repute. Perhaps I have known him by sight for years; perhaps he is a
+man with whom I often dine at the Club, and who entertains us in the
+smoking-room with strange stories of odd patients. His name I have
+heard long ago. Was it MCSIMMUM? Not unlikely. Can't remember.
+
+Mr. CAPES is energetically explaining and protesting to everybody.
+Amid the hum and buzz of voices, I catch what he is saying. It is, "My
+dear Sir, Dr. MCSIMMUM _is_ here. I've seen him. He dined alone. He
+said he preferred it, as he had so much to do to-morrow." Then several
+exclaim, "But _where_ is he _now_?"
+
+"I don't know," replies the Proprietor. "Most likely, being tired,
+he has gone to bed. I myself showed him to his room, No. 142, on his
+arrival."
+
+Heavens! The number of my room--is 142! Not another man in _there_!
+No.... I see it all now, _I am Dr. MCSIMMUM!_ The real MCSIMMUM hasn't
+arrived, and he hasn't sent a message. This accounts for my welcome,
+and the absence of all difficulty in obtaining a room. But if he
+arrives now! where shall _I_ be?
+
+"What's that about MCSIMMUM?" says a jovial voice, coming right into
+the midst of them.
+
+To which inquiry responds a chorus, "He's here! Mr. CAPES says so, but
+no one's seen him."
+
+"And no one's likely to." returns the cheery speaker. "He's staying
+with some friends a little way out of the town. He has just sent me a
+note by hand to say that he won't occupy his room till to-morrow, and
+will be much obliged if Mr. CAPES will forward by bearer a bag that
+was labelled and addressed to the room taken for him here, No. 142."
+
+[Illustration: "---- Speed the Parting Guest."]
+
+"But--" exclaims the Proprietor, aghast, "but--"
+
+At this moment I catch sight of the man with the cheery voice. Saved!
+I know him. It is my old friend, Sir JOHN HARTLEY, M.D., who, years
+ago, told me there was nothing the matter with me, only I must take a
+holiday and go abroad to get better (most excellent advice, and I've
+never been quite well since), and who now exclaims, with all his old
+breadth of manner, "What _you_ here! Bravo! We'll make you an honorary
+member!"
+
+The Proprietor looks at me, and I at the Proprietor. I know what is
+passing through the mind of Mr. NORFOLK CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H.
+I hasten to relieve his anxiety by saying, "Thanks; I'm here only for
+the night; I'm off to-morrow. I've just come down here to look for a
+house. By the way, I rather think that Dr. MCSIMMUM's bag must be in
+my room. Let's see."
+
+So I depart with the Proprietor. Explanations _en route_. Dr.
+MCSIMMUM's bag has been placed in my room, I should say in _his_ room.
+But I've got the apartment, and if it hadn't been for the mistake, I
+should have been homeless and houseless, and a wanderer on the face
+of the sand at Bournemouth. Must write to that best of all doctors,
+MCSIMMUM, and thank him for not coming to-night.
+
+As it is I spend a delightful evening with the Members of the B.M.A.
+here assembled, in the smoking-room. The conversation is chiefly
+about the use of alcohol and tobacco as poisons. The decision arrived
+at towards one o'clock A.M., or, more correctly speaking, the
+Inn-decision, is that, on this particular occasion, one glass more of
+something or other, and just one last pipe or cigar, cannot possibly
+hurt anybody. This is carried _nem. con._: and so, subsequently, we
+adjourn, not carried but walking, soberly and honestly, to bed.
+
+Next morning up with the lark, indeed a trifle earlier, and after
+examining Bournemouth and finding excellent residences up above in
+beautiful air where it must always be breezy, I thank Mr. NORFOLK
+CAPES, F.R.G.S. and P.R.B.H for the Hospitality shown me in his
+exceptionally pleasant house, and I return by the swift 2·5 P.M.
+train, which lands me at Vauxhall at 4·30 to the moment. Of course I
+am now expecting my diploma as Honorary Member of the British Medical
+Association.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER JUBILEE.--That of the Old Stagers at Canterbury. Free List
+entirely suspended at the Theatre, with the exception of just _A Scrap
+Of Paper_ in the house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KURDS AND AWAY!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Indignant we spoke out, and any amount
+  Of strong language we used when we read the account,
+  And a tear slowly rolled down our cheek when we heard
+  Of the youthful Miss G. and the Kidnapping Kurd.
+
+  We sat in our chairs, and, quite reckless of life,
+  We wiped out the insult with war to the knife;
+  And it only redoubled our anger to read
+  That the girl--so they said--had abandoned her creed.
+
+  Such a thing was absurd, and, of course, wasn't true;
+  Much perplexed, we all wondered what we ought for to do,
+  Though we heard with delight they were on the girl's track,
+  And we wept in our joy when we knew she was back.
+
+  But the wonderful ending remains to be told,
+  For the maiden was fond of the warrior bold,
+  And embracing her husband (as is usual with brides)
+  Mrs. AZIZ embraced his religion besides.
+
+  So our tears were all wasted, our threats all in vain,
+  We can now feel quite calm and collected again.
+  At the fate of the lady we all should rejoice,
+  She is happy with AZIZ, the man of her choice.
+
+  Good luck to the bridegroom! Good luck to the bride!
+  Good luck to the knot they have hastily tied!
+  With all due respect, let us venture to say
+  That we hope from her Kurd she will not run away!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT SEES THE PHOTOGRAFF TAKEN.
+
+Well, I have seen some grandly hinteresting sites in my time, I have,
+but never, no never, did I see anythink to ekal the picter as I seed
+on the werry larst day of July larst week, when, by such a series
+of good lucks as I ardly ever had afore, I was priveledged for to
+see the Rite Honerable the Lord MARE prepare hisself, with his two
+lately benighted Sheriffs, in the most scrumptious of their many rich
+dresses, and with the solid gold Carsket as was guv to the HEMPERER of
+GARMANY about a fortnight ago, and had most misteriously cum back from
+abroad, all for to be photograffed altogether in one big grupe, with
+all the Aldermen as they coud find handy in their rich crimson silk
+dresses, and several werry Common Counsellers and Town Clarks and
+Remembrensers, et setterer, in horder as the longing world may see
+what sorts of Gents they was, and how they all looked when in their
+werry best close, and with their lovely solid gold deckorations on (as
+the HEMPERER and the Prince of WALES begged and prayed as they might
+have one a-peace) who arranged and carried out the grandest show
+of modern times, wiz, when the GERMAN HEMPEROR and his wife cum to
+Guildhall. Oh, wasn't they a long wile before the Gent coud get 'em
+all into good places, and didn't they all look sollem, when he said,
+"Quite steddy, please!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But not noboddy as reddily gives a ginny for a mere coppy of what I
+saw dun, will see all I saw without paying no ginny, and that was,
+to see the hole grand picter built up, as it were, beginning with the
+Lord MARE in his white hermine robe of poority and his black Cocked
+Hat of Power all most bewtifoolly and kindly arranged for him by the
+hartistic Sheriff.
+
+And then what a lesson on trew humility, to see the Lord MARE, in all
+his glory, retire to the Committee's dressing-room, and there strip
+hisself to his werry shirt-sleeves and clothe hisself in the mere
+hordnary close of common humanety!
+
+Ah! I henvys no man his persession of the bewtifool Photygraff, for
+I, almost alone, can say, tho but a pore hed Waiter, I saw the grand
+pictur grow like' a bewtifool dream, and then saw it fade away like a
+strawbery hice on a Summer's Day!
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.--The French Fleet may depend upon a
+courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who is the "Pink" of
+Politeness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY.
+
+_Miss Grundison, Junior_. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, ALL ALONE IN A
+BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO IMPRUDENT OF THEM!"
+
+_Her Elder Sister_. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE UPSET AND
+DROWNED--WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."
+
+    ["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has been
+    a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am thankful to
+    agree with your Lordship in thinking that the people of this
+    country will recognise that it has been a Session of hard and
+    valuable work."--_Lord Salisbury at the Mansion House_.]
+
+  Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or DALTON;
+    As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands first,
+  His wild watery way never tempted to halt on,
+    Undaunted by cold as by hunger or thirst.
+  Nine months in the waves, though, no man may enjoy;
+  So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the buoy.
+
+  In November last year he first entered the water,
+    To start on this special, most arduous swim,
+  It was cold, with the wind in a winterly quarter,
+    But winds, like the waves, have small terrors for him.
+  You remember accounts that the papers then gave
+  (Here's an extract) concerning this King of the Wave.
+
+"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), started
+yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt--the first having been
+a failure--to swim from Tithes Pier to Purchase Point Buoy. It was
+an unfavourable time of the year for such an unprecedented feat of
+natation, but the Hatfield Champion was confident of success. He is a
+perfect whale at long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk
+of 'twenty years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative
+trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF--more commonly known as the
+Sanguine Old 'Un--was equally confident. Two boats accompanied the
+Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, SMIFF, and in the
+other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One thing, indeed, was in the
+Hatfield man's favour; his lately cocky and contemptuous competitors
+had been 'weeded out' by a fortuitous series of adverse circumstances,
+including what SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation,
+subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' The
+Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had become so
+thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and disputes between
+them and their backers, that there was not a single 'Paddy' prepared
+to enter the water when the signal 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY,
+therefore, had it all to himself; the performance practically resolves
+itself into a trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe
+Bearer' is the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to
+measure himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage
+of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short time.
+Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will have to
+contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly breezes, &c.; the
+'flowing tide' will assuredly not always be with him, and before he
+gets to the end of his briny journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will
+probably have 'had enough of it.'"
+
+  True prognostication! But skilful natation
+    Despite some "anxiety" and much "fatigue,"
+  Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's elation."
+    Together they've plodded o'er many a league
+  Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear!
+  They were ridden with skill, though regarded with fear.
+
+  "The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and breast-stroke
+    Alternately serve him; fatigued but unhurt,
+  Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best stroke!"
+    Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. "One spurt,
+  My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis done;
+  Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've won!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC BIRDS.--M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to sing in Mr.
+ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, _The Light of Asia_. Where was
+TRA-LA-LARA when _The Light of Asia_ didn't come out? M. MAUREL
+seems to have said, that, if the Opera were produced this season,
+he'd be blowed if he sang, and the Opera would probably be damned,
+theatrically and operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL
+of the story. _The Light of Asia_ mustn't be snuffed out altogether,
+but it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as
+TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time coming,
+and good tunes too, we hope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMENDE HONORABLE.--In making up the list of outside contributors, _Mr.
+Punch's_ Private Secretary regrets having omitted the name of JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the Bloomsburians, and the determined
+foe of Mud Salad Market and Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the
+initials, "HONEST JOHN," will now be satisfied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."
+
+W.H. SM-TH. "HOORAY!--ANOTHER STROKE OR TWO, AND WE'VE DONE IT!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+BANK HOLIDAY.
+
+    SCENE--_The Crystal Palace. The Nave is filled with a dense
+    throng of Pleasure-seekers. Every free seat commanding the
+    most distant view of a Variety Performance on the Great Stage,
+    has been occupied an hour in advance. The less punctual stand
+    and enjoy the spectacle of other persons' hats or bonnets.
+    Gangs of Male and Female Promenaders jostle and hustle to
+    their hearts' content, or perform the war-song and dance
+    of the Lower-class 'ARRY, which consists in chanting "Oi
+    tiddly-oi-toi; hoi-toi-oi!" to a double shuffle. Tired women
+    sit on chairs and look at nothing. In the Grounds, the fancy
+    of young men and maidens is lightly turning to thoughts of
+    love; the first dawn of the tender passion being intimated,
+    on the part of the youth, by chasing his charmer into a corner
+    and partially throttling her, whereupon the maiden coyly
+    conveys that his sentiments are not unreciprocated by thumping
+    him between the shoulders. From time to time, two champions
+    contend with fists for the smiles of beauty, who may usually
+    be heard bellowing inconsolably in the background. A small
+    but increasing per-centage have already had as much liquid
+    refreshment as is good for them, and intend to have more.
+    Altogether, the scene, if festive, might puzzle an Intelligent
+    Foreigner who is more familiar with Continental ideas of
+    enjoyment._
+
+_A Damsel_ (_in a ruby plush hat with a mauve feather_). Why, if they
+yn't got that bloomin' ole statute down from Charin' Cross! What's
+_'e_ doin' of down 'ere, I wonder?
+
+_Her Swain_ (_whose feather is only pink and white paper_). Doin' of?
+Tykin' 's d'y orf--like the rest of us are tykin' it.
+
+_The Damsel_ (_giggling_). You go on--you don't green _me_ that w'y--a
+statute!
+
+_Swain_. Well, 'yn't this what they call a "Statutory" 'Oliday, eh?
+
+_Damsel_ (_in high appreciation of his humour_). I'll fetch you _sech_
+a slap in a minnit! 'Ere, let's gow on the Swissback.
+
+_Another Damsel_ (_in a peacock-blue hat with orange pompons_). See
+that nekked young man on the big 'orse, ALF? It says "Castor" on the
+stand. 'Oo was _'e_?.
+
+_Alf_. Oh, _I_'d 'now. I dessay it'll be 'im as invented the Castor
+Ile.
+
+_The Damsel_ (_disgusted_). Fancy their puttin' up a monument to
+_'im_!
+
+_Superior 'Arry_ (_talking Music-halls to his Adored One_). 'Ave you
+'eard her sing "_Come where the Booze is Cheapest_"?
+
+_The Adored_. Lots o' toimes. I _do_ like _'er_ singing. She mykes
+sech comical soigns--and then the _things_ she sez! But I've 'eard
+she's very common in her tork, and that--_orf_ the styge.
+
+_The S.A._ I shouldn't wonder. Some on 'em _are_ that way. You can't
+'ave _everythink_!
+
+_His Adored_. No, it _is_ a pity, though. 'Spose we go out, and pl'y
+Kiss in the Ring? [_They do._
+
+AMONG THE ETHNOLOGICAL MODELS.
+
+_Wife of British Workman_ (_spelling out placard under Hottentot
+Group_). "It is extremely probable that this interesting race will be
+completely exterminated at no very distant period." Pore things!
+
+_British Workman_ (_with philosophy_). Well, _I_ shan't go inter
+mournin' for 'em, SAIRER!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Lambeth Larrikin_ (_in a pasteboard "pickelhaube," and a false
+nose, thoughtfully, to BATTERSEA BILL, who is wearing an old grey
+chimney-pot hat, with the brim uppermost, and a tow wig, as they
+contemplate a party of Botocudo natives_). Rum the sights these 'ere
+savidges make o' theirselves, ain't it, BILL?
+
+_Batt. Bill_ (_more thoughtfully_). Yer right--but I dessay if you and
+me 'ad been born among that lot, _we_ shouldn't care _'ow_ we looked!
+
+_Vauxhall Voilet_ (_who has exchanged headgear with CHELSEA
+CHORLEY--with dismal results_). They _are_ cures those blackies! Why,
+yer carn't 'ardly tell the men from the wimmin! I expect this lot'll
+be 'aving a beanfeast. See, they're plyin' their myusic.
+
+_Chelsea Chorley_. Good job we can't _'ear_ 'em. They say as niggers'
+music is somethink downright horful. Give us "_Hi-tiddly-hi_" on that
+mouth-orgin o' yours, will yer?
+
+    [_VAUXHALL VOILET obliges on that instrument; everyone in
+    the neighbourhood begins to jig mechanically; exeunt party,
+    dancing._
+
+_A Pimply Youth_. "Hopium-eater from Java." That's the stuff they gits
+as stoopid as biled howls on--it's about time we went and did another
+beer. [_They retire for that purpose._
+
+DURING THE FIREWORKS.
+
+_Chorus of Spectators_. There's another lot o' bloomin' rockets gowin
+orf! Oo-oo, 'ynt that lur-uvly? What a lark if the sticks come down
+on somebody's 'ed! There, didyer see 'em bust? Puts me in mind of a
+shower o' foiry smuts. Lor, so they do--what a fancy you _do_ 'ave,
+&c., &c.
+
+COMING HOME.
+
+_An Old Gentleman_ (_who has come out with the object of observing
+Bank Holiday manners--which he has done from a respectful distance--to
+his friend, as they settle down in an empty first-class compartment_).
+There, now we shall just get comfortably off before the crush begins.
+Now, to _me_, y'know, this has been a most interesting and gratifying
+experience--wonderful spectacle, all that immense crowd enjoying
+itself in its own way--boisterously, perhaps, but, on the whole, with
+marvellous decorum! Really, very exhilarating to see--but you don't
+agree with me?
+
+_His Friend_ (_reluctantly_). Well, I must say it struck me as rather
+pathetic than--
+
+_The O.G._ (_testily_). Pathetic, Sir--nonsense! I like to see people
+putting their _heart_ into it, whether it's play or work. Give me a
+crowd--
+
+    [_As if in answer to this prayer, there is a sudden irruption
+    of typical Bank Holiday-makers into the compartment._
+
+_Man by the Window_. Third-class as good as fust, these days! There's
+ole FRED! Wayo, FRED, tumble in, ole son--room for one more standin'!
+
+    [_"OLE FRED" plays himself in with a triumphal blast on a tin
+    trumpet, after which he playfully hammers the roof with his
+    stick, as he leans against the door._
+
+_Ole Fred_. Where's my blanky friend? I 'it 'im one on the jaw, and
+I ain't seen 'im since! (_Sings, sentimentally, at the top of a
+naturally powerful voice._) "Com-rides, Com-rides! Hever since we was
+boys! Sharin' each other's sorrers. Sharin' each hother's--beer!"
+
+    [_A "paraprosdokian," which delights him to the point of
+    repetition._
+
+_The O.G._ Might I ask you to make a little less disturbance there
+Sir? [_Whimpers from over-tired children._
+
+_Ole Fred_ (_roaring_). "I'm jolly as a Sandboy, I'm 'appy as a king!
+No matter what I see or 'ear, I larf at heverything! I'm the morril
+of my moth-ar, (_to O.G._) the himage of _your_ Par! And heverythink I
+see or 'ear, it makes me larf 'Ar-har!'"
+
+    [_He laughs "Ar-har," after which he gives a piercing
+    blast upon the trumpet, with stick obbligato on the roof._
+
+_The O.G._ (_roused_). I really _must_ beg you not to be such an
+infernal nuisance! There are women and children here who--
+
+_Old Fred_. Shet up, ole umbereller whiskers! (_Screams of laughter
+from women and children, which encourage him to sing again._) "An'
+the roof is copper-bottomed, but the chimlies are of gold. In my
+double-breasted mansion in the Strand!" (_To people on platform,
+as train stops_.) _Come_ in, oh, lor, _do_! "Oi-tiddly-oi-toi!
+hoi-toi-oy!"
+
+    [_The rest take up the refrain--"'Ave a drink an' wet your
+    eye," &c., and beat time with their boots._
+
+_The O.G._. If this abominable noise goes on, I shall call the
+guard--disgraceful, coming in drunk like this!
+
+_The Man by the Window_. 'Ere, dry up, Guv'nor--_'e_ ain't 'ad enough
+to 'urt 'im, _'e_ ain't!
+
+_Chorus of Females_ (_to O.G._). An' Bank 'Oliday, too--you orter to
+be _ashimed_ o' yerself, you ought! 'E's as right as right, if you
+on'y let him alone!
+
+_Old Fred_ (_to O.G._). Ga-arn, yer pore-'arted ole choiner boy!
+(_Says, dismally_), "Ow! for the vanished Spring-time! Ow! for the
+dyes gorn boy! Ow! for the"--(_changing the melody_)--"'omeless,
+I wander in lonely distress. No one ter pity me--none ter caress!"
+(_Here he sheds tears, overcome by his own pathos, but presently
+cheers up._) "I dornce all noight! An' I rowl 'ome toight! I'm a
+rare-un at a rollick, or I'm ready fur a foight." Any man 'ere
+wanter foight me? Don't say no, ole Frecklefoot! (_To the O.G., who
+perspires freely_.) Oh, I _am_ enj'yin' myself! [_He keeps up this
+agreeable rattle, without intermission, for the remainder of the
+journey, which--as the train stops everywhere, and takes quite
+three-quarters of an hour in getting from Queen's Road, Battersea, to
+Victoria--affords a signal proof of his social resources, though it
+somewhat modifies the O.G.'s enthusiasm for the artless gaiety of a
+Bank Holiday._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE FORCEPS.
+
+(_A Dream of the Dentist's Chair._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ON THE SQUARE."
+
+  "A CHEQUE-MATE's a husband who's found a good catch,"
+    So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck.
+  Yes, and many a close "matrimonial" match
+    Is won by "perpetual cheque."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN 'UMBLE CORRECTION.
+
+In "The New Yachting," a discursive paper, pleasantly written by
+Sir MORELL MACKENZIE, M.D., in _The Fortnightly_ for this month, the
+author quotes a verse from the old song of "Jim Collins," or, as he
+writes it, "John Collins" (by way of proving that the drink known by
+that name was originated by this individual) but quotes it, to the
+best of our knowledge and belief, inaccurately. It was set to the air
+of "Jenny Jones," and thus it ran:--
+
+  "My name is JIM COLLINS,
+    'Ead-vaiter at Limmers',
+  The corner of Conduck Street,
+    'Anover Square.
+
+  "And my hokkipashun
+    Is sarvin' out liquors
+  To such sportin' covies
+    As chance to come _there_."
+
+This, we venture to assert, savours more of the old bar and the
+ancient sanded floors, more of the by-gone Cider Cellars and extinct
+Vauxhall Gardens, more of the early mornings and late nights, more of
+the rough-and-ready "P.R." times, than the veneered version for the
+drawing-room given us by Sir M.M., M.D. We may be wrong, but--we don't
+think we are.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER LUNCH.
+
+_A FANCY SKETCH, COPIED FROM COBB._
+
+    ["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal
+    profession having acquired habits of intemperance in
+    consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic drinks
+    in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea and
+    coffee."--_Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the Law Courts_.]
+
+    SCENE--_Apartment in the Chancery Division. Time, 2·15 P.M.
+    Judge, Bar, Solicitors, and Public discovered in a state
+    more easily imagined (by Mr. COBB) than described._
+
+_Judge_ (_thickly_). What want t'know--what-do-next? (_Smiles._) Very
+hot! Very hot indeed! [_Frowns._
+
+_First Q.C._ (_rising unsteadily_). P'raps m'Lord let m'explain! Case
+of _Brown_-versus-_Smith_, should say--course--_Smith_-versus-_Brown_.
+(_Smiles._) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [_Sits down abruptly._
+
+_Judge_ (_angrily_). Very irregular this! Commit--contempt--Court!
+
+_Second Q.C._ (_leaning luxuriously on desk_). P'raps m'Lord let me
+explain. Learned friend--drunk! [_Disappears under his seat._
+
+_Judge_ (_angrily, to Second Q.C._) So you! so everybody! (_With
+maudlin tenderness_.) Must respect Court! (_Savagely._) You are all
+disgusting--disgustingly--'tosticated! Adjourn--morrow mornin'. Usher,
+brandy sodah! [_Scene closes in--fortunately!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 27_.--Quite like old times to-night.
+Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended. The victim
+is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; been on the rampage all last week; a
+terror to the Clerks' table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making
+the Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have
+a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, suddenly
+popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, "Ah, ah!" "No, you
+don't!" "Would you, then?" and other discursive remarks. Curious how
+ATKINSON, indulging in these luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts
+by others to enjoy similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his
+grievances just now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them.
+"One of the Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion,
+said, 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'"
+
+[Illustration: "No Hankey-Pankey with me."]
+
+"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt manner that
+becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the Consolidated Bank.
+"Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this simple interjection? Are
+you to appropriate all the O's in the alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the
+Table a man and a brother, and why may he not, if the idea flashes
+across his active brain, say, 'Oh! oh!'?"
+
+That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to his senses.
+Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters in that light. Great
+advantage having a man like HANKEY going round prepared at moment's
+notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict it in terse
+language. Sobering effect on ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER
+was narrating circumstances on which he had based charge against him
+of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing
+about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No
+you don't!" and offering other pertinent but fragmentary remarks.
+
+[Illustration: THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.]
+
+"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden
+household, when _Miss Miggs_ returns expecting to be re-instated in
+her old place of predominance, near the person of _Dolly's_ mother.
+You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and
+betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she
+had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' _Miss Miggs_ continues,
+'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor
+master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"
+
+So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive
+Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time,
+startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making
+very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was
+nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping
+up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!"
+growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow;
+but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and
+Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the
+Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old
+game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a
+_pas de deux_ between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace?
+Happily ATKINSON (still like _Miss Miggs_, as SARK insists) suddenly
+collapsed.
+
+"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member
+to withdraw."
+
+"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he
+dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "_I will come back._" Then,
+gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden
+household--I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into
+commonplace.
+
+[Illustration: Nothing if not critical.]
+
+_Business done._--ATKINSON expelled for a week.
+
+_Tuesday._--SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much
+pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending
+Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind
+up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little
+variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:--
+
+  "The best of all ways to shorten our days
+  Is to steal a few hours from the night."
+
+"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical.
+
+"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair
+of feet left out. But _you_ know, TOBY, how they run. The last line
+should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now,
+theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations
+are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been
+said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of
+frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what
+I'm about, even when quoting poetry."
+
+Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House
+just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on
+unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all
+satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on
+him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In
+Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by
+£1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee
+thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves.
+Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat
+down, moving reduction in dumb show.
+
+Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have
+given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when
+he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing
+about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER.
+_Business done._--Committee of Supply.
+
+_Wednesday._--House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to
+keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been
+a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and
+Country kept us here unto this last.
+
+"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how
+you'll get on without me, dear boys."
+
+"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the
+smoke-room for the last cigarette.
+
+"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the
+country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private
+feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE,
+He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,'
+like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in
+school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't
+let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is
+precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on
+the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires
+from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are
+quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot
+resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to
+immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ----, and ----, and
+---- ----." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone
+interested should write to the SAGE, _Poste Restante Marienbad_.)
+"They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the
+retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the
+Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will,
+moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench."
+
+_Business done_.--SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up
+figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of
+AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's
+really gone.
+
+[Illustration: An Idea.]
+
+_Saturday_.--House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at
+latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting
+off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but
+House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may
+be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.
+
+Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with
+legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged
+a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a
+headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the
+circumstances.
+
+"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday,
+leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill."
+
+"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm
+which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise
+cases. _Business done._--Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for
+remaining days of Session.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY.
+
+(_THE SONG OF A COMING CELEBRITY._)
+
+    [Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, on
+    retirement of Alderman EVANS.]
+
+  When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day,
+  Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky GRAY;
+  To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the Ci-tee,
+  GRAY was clearly born to be great--and I am he!
+  I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin;
+  I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin,
+  But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be,
+  For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the Ci-tee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--_Legal Fiction._--The Lord Chief Justice
+was certainly a little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange
+morality, and it is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant
+criticism of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question
+but that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this
+country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal
+Intelligence" is often very defective.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, August 8, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14808 ***