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diff --git a/old/14787.txt b/old/14787.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31ad199 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14787.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1953 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, +July 2, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 24, 2005 [EBook #14787] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +July 2, 1892. + + + + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: Ancient Brass-Work, in memory of Wagner the Great +Worker in Brass.] + +_Wednesday._--WAGNER. Vainly the Daughters of the River, representing +the floating capital of the Banks of the Rhine, cry "Woa! Woa!" The +orchestra, under the direction of Herr MAHLER, takes no notice of +them, but goes on Wagnerianly, inexorably. Thus swimmingly we reach +Walhall--where the fire-god _Loge_ has a _logement_ with very heavy +insurance. _Wotan_ and _Loge_ in search of the gold. Then we meet +the _Nibelungs_ and the _Nibelights_, all livers under a water-cure +system; and then--it's like a musical nightmare--_Alberich_ changes +himself into a toad and is towed off as a prisoner. _Fafner_ settles +_Fasolt_ by a drum-head Court Martial, so that _Fafner_ gets the +golden honey, and _Fasolt_ gets the whacks--and--please, Sir, I don't +know any more--but some of the music is running river-like and lovely, +more is puzzling, and much of it must remind Sir DRURIOLANUS of the +rum-tum-tiddy-iddy-iddy-um-bang-whack of a great Drury Pantomime. +House full; Duke and Duchess of EDINBURGH, with Princess MARIE +and Crown Prince of ROUMANIA, enjoying themselves Wagnerially and +Rou-manically. + +_Saturday.--Le Prophete._ JOHN DE RESZKE not up to his usual form as +the Sporting Prophet; but his little Brother EDWARD, and Messieurs +MONTARIOL and CASTELMARY, first-rate as the three conspiring +undertakers. Madame DESCHAMPS-JEHIN, as _Fides_, very fine. "House," +also, very fine, and large. + + * * * * * + +THE BONES OF JOSEPH. + +[Illustration] + +Dear _Mr. Punch_,--When writing to a Journal of light and leaders--or +misleaders--last Friday, I kept "a little bit up my sleeve," so to +speak, for the Brightest, Lightest, and Leadingest of all papers +yclept the one, Sir, that bears your honoured name. After quoting from +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Holloway (not _in_ Holloway) on June 17, 1885, +as a gentle reminder to Mr. GOSCHEN--_their_ "Mr. G."--I observed, +"Perhaps, however, there are reasons why the 'Egyptian Skeleton' +prefers to forget the speeches of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in 1885." It struck +me that, having already an Egyptian Skeleton, we might have as its +companion a Brummagem Skeleton, which everyone can see through, and +this sketch I beg to submit to you, _pro bono publico_. Always, _Mr. +Punch_, your most obedient "subject" (artistically), + +W.V. H-RC-RT. + + * * * * * + +THE FETE OF FLORA. + +[Illustration: First Prize--Love among the Roses.] + +Were it not that the salutation were infelicitous, we should have +said, "Hail, all hail!" to the _Fete_ at the Botanical Gardens, +Regent's Park, last Wednesday. Besides, they have always an Aquarius +of the name of WATERER on the premises, whose Rhododendrons are +magnificent. So we didn't say "All hail!" and there was not a single +drop, of rain, or in the attendance, to damage a charming show which +has so often been spoilt by the drop too much that has floored many a +_Fete_ of Flora. Nothing could have been prettier. Flowers of speech +are inadequate to describe the scene. "Simply lovely!" is the best +epitome of praise. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_The Look-out, Sheepsdoor, Kent_. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +Ascot has been too much for me! What with the excitement of racing all +day, and bezique half the night--(another sign of the times; women no +longer "play for love," but "love to play!")--to say nothing of the +constant strain on one's nerves as to what the weather was going +to do to one's gowns, I have had a severe attack of overwork, with +complicating symptoms of my old enemy, idleness!--so that, on my +return to town, my Doctor--(he's a _dear_ man, and prescribes just +what I suggest)--insisted that I should at once run down to the +Seaside to recuperate. Hence my retirement to the little fishing +village of Sheepsdoor in Kent, "far from the gadding crowd;" a most +delightfully rural and little-known resort, where we all go about in +brown canvas-shoes--(russia-leather undreamt of!)--and wear out all +our old things, utterly regardless of whether we look "_en suite_" +or not. The only precaution _I_ take is to carry in my pocket a thick +veil, which I pop on if I see anybody with evidences of "style" about +them coming my way; fortunately, this has only happened once, when +I met a certain well-known "Merry Duchess" and her charming little +daughter, who both failed to penetrate my disguise! + +I am sorry that my selected horse for the Windsor June Handicap did +not run--though the word of command was given, "_Macready_!"--he was +not told to be "present!"--being presumably short of a gallop or two, +and therefore lacking "fire!" This little series of jokes is proudly +dedicated to the _Military_, and _Civilians_ are "warned off!"--which +is another turf expression. The much-needed rain has come at last, +and the Heath should be in fine condition, which was more than its +namesake at Ascot was, and all for want of a little attention--I am +told that the far end was all in lumps, which caused the "_Lover_" to +come down in his race--though that was hardly a surprise, as we know +that "the course of true love never _did_ run smooth!" + +Now--dear _Mr. Punch_, if you want a few hours' fresh air, command the +special train, which I am told, is kept in readiness for you at every +London Terminus, to transport you--(not for your _country's_ good, +but _your own_)--to Sheepsdoor, Kent, where you shall receive a +hearty welcome--Lord ARTHUR is not with me, but my French maid will +_chaperon_ us--_if necessary_. + +Yours devotedly, + LADY GAY. + +STUD PRODUCE SELECTION. + + To a Circus in Lancashire, once I went, + To see a performing dog dance! + But, my money in vain I found I'd spent, + For I much prefer a "_Clog Dance_." + + * * * * * + +THE TWO SARAS OF THE SEASON.--SARA BERNHARDT and SARA SATE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNA AND THE BRITISH LION. + +A CARTOON FROM A BIRMINGHAM COLLECTION.] + +_Whereto a Brummagem Bard hath set these Spenserian Stanzas._ + + [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, in his Election Address, explains how he + has co-operated with the Conservative Government in order to + maintain the Union between Great Britain and Ireland.] + + The lyon would not leave her desolate, + But with her went along as a strong gard + Of her chast person, and a faithfull mate + Of her sad troubles and misfortunes hard; + And over her he kept both watch and ward, + With the assistance of two valiant knightes, + Prince ARTHURE, and the Red Crosse Paladin, + A pair of brotherlie and doughtie wightes, + Though erst had they indulged in mutual flouts and spites. + + For loe! a divelish dragon didde infest + That region, and fair UNA strove to slay. + Her to protect from that prodigious pest, + The Red Crosse Knight--who lived out Midland way-- + Didde, with Prince ARTHURE, travel day by day, + And prodded up that lyon as they strode, + With their speare pointes, as though in jovial play, + To holde fair UNA, who her safety owed, + Unto the puissant beaste whereon she proudlie rode. + + Anon they heard a roaring hideous sound + That all the ayre with terror filled wyde, + And seemed uneath to shake the stedfast ground; + Eftsoones that dreadful dragon they espyde, + Where stretcht he lay upon the sunny side + Of a great hill, himself like a great hill: + But, all so soone as he from far descryde + Those glistering knights banded in right good will, + He rous'd himselfe full blyth, and hastned them untill. + + Then badd those knightes fair UNA yede aloof, + Whiles they attacked that dragon side by side, + And put the issue to stern battaille's proof; + "We'll give this Big Green Bogey beans!" they cryde, + That Red Crosse Knight of Brummagem in his pride, + And brave Prince ARTHURE of the shining crest. + But if victoriously their blades they plied, + Or, baffled by the dragon, gave him beste,-- + Why, that the barde will sing _after_ the battaille's teste! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THROUGH DARKEST LAMBETH."] + +POLITICS. + +(_BY A CONFUSED CITIZEN._) + + What a state we'll soon be in! + Such a clamour, such a din, + Raised from Kew to Dalston, + Cork to Cromer, Wight to Wick! + Seeking votes through thin and thick, + GLADSBURY and SALSTONE! + + Talk and chatter, speech and cry! + Some assert, then some deny + In a near or far shire; + Call each other names and laugh, + Jeer and chuckle, joke and chaff-- + DEVONCOURT and HARSHIRE! + + Still they come and still they go; + Up and down, and high and low, + Many more than those four. + Speak in Council, speak in House, + Think not yet of golf or grouse, + BALBERY and ROSEFOUR. + + Rush and canvass up and down, + Village, hamlet, city, town, + Stately street or poor lane; + Start committees, advertise, + Think of rousing party cries, + CHAMBERLEY and MORLAIN! + + Such a fidget, such a fuss! + There is no escape for us; + We shall have it shortly. + How I wish that both would go + Off to Bath or Jericho, + SALFOURLAIN, GLADCOURTLEY! + + * * * * * + +"Cave Kanem!"--"If," Dr. KANE is reported to have said at the Ulster +Appeal Meeting in St. James's Hall, last Wednesday, "If they (the +Ulster Irishmen) had to choose between arbitrary oppression and an +appeal for justice to the God of battles, he (Dr. KANE) had no more +doubt than he had about his existence, that that appeal would be made, +and that God would defend the right." With the saving clause adroitly +introduced into the last sentence, everyone, except an Atheist, will +agree; and, but for this, this speech reads as an incentive to Civil +War, intended to stir up brother against brother to fight to the +death. Such sentiments may, in the future, be remembered as marked +with "the brand of KANE." + + * * * * * + +A Difficulty.--_Mr. Dick_ was unable to keep, "King Charles the +First's head" out of his literary work. So Our OSCAR, it is said, has +been unable to keep the head of St. John the Baptist out of his play, +_Salome_, accepted by SARAH. Hence difficulty with licenser. The real +truth, we believe, is that the head, according to received tradition, +should be brought in by _Salome_ "on a charger," and SARAH protests +against this, as she is not an equestrian. + + * * * * * + +A New Songstress.--Mr. CUSINS, on Wednesday last, accompanying +SCHUMANN, RUBINSTEIN, & Co., may fairly be described as "CUSINS +German." A very successful Concert, musically notable, among many +notable things, for the _debut_ of Miss GWLADYS WOOD, who, being +vociferously encored, gave a Tyrolean Volkslied, or "VOKES' Family" +dance and song, playing the accompaniment herself. "She ought to do +well."--I quote SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, the Musician, who +sang a _duo_ with Mme. VALDA. The Concert commenced with a "Septette +(By DESIRE)." This is a new Composer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Beadle with the German Reeds' Staff.] + +An Afternoon with Those who "Entertain" More than Anyone in +London.--"_Charity Begins At Home_" or rather it begins at the GERMAN +REEDS,' _after_ CORNEY GRAIN has finished his amusing "Vocal Recital." +Then it is that never-failing Charity begins, and goes as well as +ever. ALFRED REED is immensely funny, especially when disguised as a +Charity Girl. On no account miss the Grain of Chaff's capital French +version of CHEVALIER's Coster song about "_'Arry 'Awkins_." It's +lovely! Excellent entertainment for everybody at St. George's Hall. + + * * * * * + +Doctor O'Letters.--_July 6th_.--Not "D.C.L." but "honorary degree of +Doctor of Letters," is to be conferred by Dublin University on HENRY +IRVING, for masterly management of vast correspondence. Let Oxford +follow suit with a "Postmastership of Merton." Dr. L. O'TOOLE says, +"I'm satisfied with 'L.L.L. Three Stars,' and plenty of it." + + * * * * * + +THE HORSE-EDUCATOR. + +(_A SKETCH AT SYDENHAM._) + + SCENE--_An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.--The Arena is + thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light + American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side, + with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, + and a bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead + opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining + these ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter + a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows + to the audience, and is but faintly applauded, owing to a + disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not + tame in a tall hat. However, he merely appears to introduce + Professor NORTON B. SMITH, who, turning out to be a slender, + tall man, in a slouch hat, black velveteen coat, breeches, and + riding boots, is received with enthusiasm._ + +_The Professor_ (_with a slight Transatlantic accent_). The first +animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, afraid +Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost _anything_, in +fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (_To a tall Groom and a short one, +who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over a drum, to +the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost anything is +brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defying any_ +Professor _to cure_ him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, he's only +Nervous. + +[Illustration: "The short Groom falling over a drum."] + + [_The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and + lashes out by way of contradiction._ + +_Paterfamilias, in audience_ (_who has a spoilt horse at home_). Just +what I always say about _Tartar_--it's nerves, not vice. + +_His Eldest Daughter._ Shall you send him here to be cured, Father? + +_Paterf._ No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I +shall able to take _Tartar_ in hand myself, I have no doubt. + +_The Prof._ (_instructively_). It is natural For a Horse when +frightened at anything in Front of him, To jump Backwards, and when +frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (_Applause, in +recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom._) Now I +will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means Of +my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. Always Be +Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that +Harness. (_The short Groom trips again, but so elaborately as to be +immediately recognised as the funny man of the performance, after +which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The Professor shouts, +"Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this suggestion, +emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being attached to +the animals forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much to his +surprise and indignation_.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only when +you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (_horse down again, intensely +humiliated_.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady!" and +teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards Deceiving him. +(Paterf. _makes a note of this on Tartar's account._) Steady ... +Woa! (_Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling that he is the +victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, Professor says +"Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to take the +hint._) + +_Paterf._ Wonder where I could get that apparatus--just the thing for +_Tartar_! + +_His Daughter_. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust +first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said "Woa!" +you know, and _that_ wouldn't do! + +_Paterf._ Um! No. Never thought of that. + +_Prof._ I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (_The two +Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at +which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his +lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to +humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum +to be beaten on his head with patient disgust._) + +_The Daughter_. You might try _that_ with _Tartar_, Father. You could +have the dinner-gong, you know. + +_Paterf._ (_dubiously_). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have +the same effect, my dear. + +_Prof._ (_who has vaulted on the horse's back_). I will now make him +familiar With an umbrella. (_Opens it suddenly; horse plunges_.) Now, +Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella--vurry good one too--it isn't +going to hurt you; look at it! + + [_He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it + over his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that + he may have been prejudiced._ + +_Daughter._ It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could hide +in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him. + +_Paterf._ Not while _I'm_--Well, we must see what your _Mother_ says +about that. [_Begins to wish he had come alone._ + +_Prof._ (_introducing another horse_). This animal is a confirmed +Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him. (_Some tin +pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, perceiving +that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness makes him +decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner._) Hang on more +tinware, boys! Some persons here may feel Disappointed that he Doesn't +kick. Remember--that is not My Fault. They can't be too vicious +to please me. (_The Horse sees his way to score, and after bearing +various trials in a spirit of Christian resignation, leaves the Arena, +consoled by the reflection that no one there got much fun out of_ him, +_at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Professor illustrates +his patent method of teaching him to stand while being groomed, by +tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and the rope +in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuntary waltz, +after which he mounts him and continues his discourse._) Now it +occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go down G. +Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E. Street, +and he generally _does_ go up it too! + +_A Sister_ (_to her Brother_). ROBERT that's just like the horse _you_ +rode that last time, isn't it? + + [_ROBERT doesn't answer, fervently hoping that his Sister's + Pretty Friend has not overheard this comment._ + +_The Prof._ Well, the way to overcome that is just to turn the animal +round--so--several times till he gets dizzy and forgets where E. +Street is, and then he says to himself, "I guess I'd better go +wherever the gentleman wants!" + +_The Sister._ ROBERT's horse turned round and round like +that--_didn't_ he, ROBERT? [ROBERT _turns rather red and grunts._ + +_Her Pretty Friend._ And then did he go where your brother wanted him +to? + +_The Sister._ Oh yes, at last. (_ROBERT breathes more freely._) Only +without ROBERT. [_ROBERT wonders bitterly why on earth a fellow's +Sisters should try to make him out a regular muff like this._ + + [_Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness + in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the + Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads, + whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the + Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a + few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out + as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that + moment. They despise the Comic Groom when he prances at them + with a flag, and the performance of the Serious Man on the + cymbals only inspires them with grave concern on his account. + The bundle of coloured rags is let down suddenly on their + heads, and causes them nothing but contemptuous amusement; + crackers bang about their heels--and they pretend to be + pleased; the Funny Groom (who is, by this time, almost + unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's back + and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained by + his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers + at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this, + they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes--a pair + of equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this + earth._] + +_The Prof._ (_concluding amidst loud applause_). Ladies and Gentlemen, +I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, and +that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to send +him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge. + +_Paterf._ I shall have _Tartar_ sent here--less trouble than trying +the methods myself--and safer. + +_Prof._ And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the +Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or +so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse. + +_The Daughter_. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will _have_ +to be done at home! + +_Paterf._ (_who doesn't quite see himself dancing about_ Tartar _with +a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back_). Well, TOPPIN will +take the horse over, and he'll be here and see how it's done. I can't +be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do! + +_The Daughter_. I wish you would. I'm sure _Tartar_ would rather _you_ +tamed him than TOPPIN! + + [_Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not + unlikely, sees no necessity to consider his horse's + preferences in the matter_. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 20_.--Black Rod got up little joke +to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful parting +moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in absence of +Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE +intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and insist on his making clean +breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal Commission arranged in other +House. Black Rod despatched to summon Commons to assist at ceremony. +"The SAGE wants the House of Lords abolished, does he?" said Black +Rod, to his friend the White Elephant. "Very well; but before +it's done, I'll bet you 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as +representative of the Lords, will make him shut up, and pretty sharp +too. He little knows there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un, +too." + +Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third Reading +of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince +ARTHUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting tip, hurried across +Lobby; reached the door just as SAGE was in middle of a sentence. +"Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top of his voice. SAGE paused, +looked with troubled glance towards door, stood for a moment as if he +would resist the incursion, and catching sight of sword by Black Rod's +side, abruptly sat down amid general titter. + +[Illustration: "Stopped on the threshold."] + +Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian Budget to +PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very good. So it was, +comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened with felicitous +touches of eloquence. + +"Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing +circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever +youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up +considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance, +coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief. +The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House +to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied +with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky +Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House +to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst +the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. +Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in +humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told +me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate. +His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with +remarkable rapidity. These are the lines: + + If you'd never make a loss, + Put your money on GRAND CROSS. + +A free translation, GORST says, but gives you the swing and the spirit +of the distich. Rather hard on CURZON that my popularity should spoil +his speech, but a good thing for the country." + +_Business done_.--Budget brought in. + +_Tuesday_.--Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon +his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that +makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear." +Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for +prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it +impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get +to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with +regularity and despatch. + +[Illustration: "All over at last!"] + +Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred Lords +in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his umbrella, just +about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange +sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing +at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing +what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap +of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap, +designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business +before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN +to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his +remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone +as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small +Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude he's talking about +CHAPLIN. MARKISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill +before House." + +It was at this moment CHELMSFORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw himself up +to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full +pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to _cloture_ me again, +do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a +hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it." + +Then noble Lords knew it couldn't have been CHAPLIN. Not yet. + +_Business done_.--Still winding it up. + +_Tuesday, June 28_.--Parliament prorogued and dissolved. "All over +at last," says ROSCOE, putting it in another and more original way. +Few to part where (six years ago) many met. Still some, chiefly +Metropolitan Members, remain to see the last of the old Parliament. + +"Good-bye, TOBY," Prince ARTHUR says, after we've shaken hands with +the SPEAKER. "Shall see you again in August. _You_'re all right. One +of those happy fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have +to fight for my seat, and my life." + +"You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other +side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?" + +"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with +a gleam of joy lighting up his face. + +_Business done_.--Parliament dissolved. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.--Professor SCHWENINGER, +the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to _Mr. Punch_ the +following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that +P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. He is up at 7 A.M., and wishes +everyone 'the top of the mornin' to you,' puts on his top-boots and +top-hat, and then goes out for a spin." + + * * * * * + +FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND +THE GIFT OF L350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.--Sir,--It has been +asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both +millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to _me_? Who's +Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y _me_ anything? No spare Cohen--or +Coin--ever comes _my_ way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a +golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction, +and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why? +Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first +settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't +it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?" + +Yours impecuniously, THE O'DUNAHOO. _With the accent on the "Owe" and +the "Dun"_ + +_Leafy June 30_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!" + +_Hostess_. "I'VE GOT _SUCH_ A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE _STUPID_!" + +_Prize Idiot_ (_calling_). "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT _I_ DON'T +FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID! + +_Hostess_. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN. + + (_Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old Ballad, the + Sequel to which may--or may not--turn up later on._) + + JOHN GILPIN was a patriot + Of credit and renown; + A Grand Old Leader eke was he, + Of famous London town. + + JOHN's Liberal Lady said, "Oh, dear! + Out in the cold we've been + These seven tedious years, and have + No chance of Office seen. + + "To-morrow is Election Day, + And we may then repair + Our Party-split a little bit,-- + That is--if you take care! + + "Our Sisters, and the Labour lot, + Need soothing, you'll agree; + If we can all together ride, + I think we'll have a spree." + + He soon replied, "I do admire + Of Liberal Dames but one, + And you are she, my dearest dear; + Therefore it shall be done! + + "I am a Programme-rider bold, + As all the world doth know, + And my good friend the Party 'Whip' + Will teach me how to go." + + Quoth the good dame, "Liquor we'll want, + The 'Union Tap' is queer; + We'll furnished be with our own 'Blend,' + Scotch-Irish bright and clear." + + JOHN GILPIN kissed his partner shrewd; + O'erjoyed was he to find + That, though on conquest she was bent, + She had a prudent mind. + + * * * * * + + JOHN GILPIN, at his horse's side, + Seized fast the flowing mane, + And up he got, in haste to ride, + But soon came down again. + + For saddle-tree scarce reached had he, + His journey to begin. + When, turning round his head, he saw + Queer customers come in. + + So down he came; for loss of time, + Although it grieved him sore, + Yet loss of Votes, full well he knew, + Would trouble him much more. + + 'Twas long, ere these queer customers + Were suited to their mind, + When SCHNADDY, shouting, came down stairs, + "The tipple's left behind!" + + "Good lack!" quoth he, "yet bring it me, + My leathern belt likewise, + In which I bear my trusty blade + When foes I 'pulverise.'" + + His Liberal Lady (careful soul!) + Had two big bottles found, + To hold the liquor that she loved, + And keep it safe and sound. + + Each bottle had a curling ear, + Through which the belt he drew, + And hung a bottle at each side, + To keep his balance true. + + Then, over all, that he might be + Equipped from top to toe, + His long green cloak, well-brushed and neat, + He manfully did throw. + + Now see him mounted once again + Upon his docile steed, + Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, + With caution and good heed. + + It might have been a smoother road, + Nor was it nice to meet + First off, a Pig, who GILPIN bold + With stubborn grunt did greet. + + So fair and softly! JOHNY cried, + But-- + + [_Here the fragment, so far as at present discovered, abruptly + endeth._ + + * * * * * + + +TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.--Persons about to go to the Country, +whether to defend their own seat or attack someone else's, can't do +better, my Baronite says, than take with them P.W. CLAYDEN's _England +Under Coalition_, just published by FISHER UNWIN. It's not much to +carry, but it's worth the trouble of packing up; also of unpacking, +and reading. It tells the story of two Parliaments and three +Governments. A pretty story it is, more interesting than most novels, +and in one volume too. A marvel of condensation and lucid narrative. +Only one thing lacking to a work likely to be constantly used for +reference, and that is an index. "But you can't have everything," as +_Queen Eleanor_ said to _Fair Rosamond_ when, having swallowed the +contents of the poisoned chalice, she asked for a dagger. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN. + + "NOW SEE HIM MOUNTED ONCE AGAIN + UPON HIS NIMBLE STEED, + FULL SLOWLY PACING O'ER THE STONES, + WITH CAUTION AND GOOD HEED." +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OBVIOUS. + +_Buttons_ (_fresh from the Country, evidently no French Scholar_). "I +SAY, MARY, THE GUV'NOR AND MISSUS ARE DINING OUT TO-NIGHT. BUT I CAN'T +FOR THE LIFE OF ME MAKE OUT WHAT A _R_, A _S_, A _V_, AND A _P_ MEAN +ON THIS 'ERE CARD!" + +_Smart Housemaid_. "WHY, OF COURSE IT MEANS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE +_R_UMP _S_TEAK AND _V_EAL _P_IE!"] + + * * * * * + +ELECTION NOTES. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S SPECIAL COMMISSIONER._) + +DEAR SIR,--I am glad you consented eventually to the terms I +proposed. After all, L100 a-week (_and expenses_) is a mere trifle +for the arduous work I expect to do for you. According to your +instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of +Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries +which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political +situation. My experience as a lightning change _artiste_ is quite +invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal +meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes +afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat, +and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. In the +former disguise I enthusiastically advocate the Newcastle Programme, +and denounce the base minions of Coercion. In the latter I rouse +Conservative partisans to frenzy by my impassioned appeals on behalf +of one Queen, one Flag, one Empire, and a policy of enlightened +Conservative progress. I can highly recommend my two perorations, in +one of which I consign Mr. GLADSTONE to eternal infamy, while in the +other I hold up Lord SALISBURY to the derision of mankind. + +I send you herewith extracts from the two newspapers published in +Bunkham. The _Bunkham News_ is the organ of the Liberals; the _Bunkham +Standard_ (with which are incorporated the _Bunkham Messenger_ and the +_Bunkham Guardian and Mangelhire Express_) expresses the views of the +Conservatives in this important district. + +_The Bunkham News._ + +At last! The period of subterfuges and evasions is past. Fraud and +dishonesty have had their day, Coercion has done its worst, and the +time has come when the most scandalous and disgraceful Government +of which history bears record, will have to submit itself for +judgment to the opinions of those who are dishonoured by being its +fellow-countrymen. We can have no doubt whatever as to what the result +of the contest will be in this enlightened constituency. The men of +Bunkham have been at all times noted for their love of freedom and +justice, and for their hatred of those who base themselves upon +oppression and iniquity. The Liberal Candidate, Mr. HENRY PLEDGER, +has now been before the Constituency for more than a year. Wherever +he has gone he has been received with unparalleled demonstrations +of enthusiasm by the immense majority of our fellow-townsmen. His +eloquence, combined with his engaging manners, have won all hearts. +The fight will be short, but severe. Men of Bunkham, will you lag in +the rear? The issue is to those who work from now to the polling day. +If you only make a united effort, triumph is assured. + + * * * * * + +_The Bunkham Standard._ + +The date of the Dissolution has been fixed, and by making it +impossible for the Elections to be held on a Saturday, the Government +have given one more proof of their deep and sincere devotion to the +highest interests of the working-classes. There never has been any +Ministry, we make bold to say, whose record will better bear the +fierce light of public investigation. Grievances have been redressed, +moderate reforms, such as the country desired, have been passed into +law, and turbulence and outrage have been repressed. No body of +men ever deserved more fully what they now possess, and are sure to +retain--the confidence and gratitude of their fellow-citizens. Our +Member, Mr. TUFFAN, has borne a not unimportant part in assisting +the Government by his presence in the House of Commons. His manly, +straightforward integrity, and his universal generosity, have +endeared him to all classes in Bunkham. We look forward with absolute +confidence to his return by an immense majority. From the disorganised +ranks of our adversaries there is little to fear. Let us stand +shoulder to shoulder, and leave no stone unturned to win a victory +which is even now within our grasp. + + * * * * * + +I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides, +and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both +Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough +in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours, +orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. Mrs. PLEDGER is +magnificent in an orange silk dress; Mrs. TUFFAN overwhelms me with +blue ribbons. Master PLEDGER waves an orange banner in every street; +Miss TUFFAN distributes blue cards in all the shops. The Liberal +Committee-rooms are ablaze with pictures of Mr. GLADSTONE; the +Conservative Office flames with Union Jacks, and other Imperial +devices. Eight meetings are to be held in different parts of the +Constituency to-night. Immense efforts are being made to capture the +votes of the Association of Jam Dealers, which has its chief factory +here. Master PLEDGER has just gone by in a Victoria, with a huge pot +of "Bunkham Jam" on the seat in front of him. He had a spoon, and was +apparently enjoying himself. This manoeuvre has much depressed the +Conservatives, who consider it disgraceful. More next week. + +Yours always, THE MAN IN THE MOON. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. CLAIMING THE LAND. + +(_By Our Americanised Artist_.)] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: (Index)] + + Advice Gratis, 291, 305 + After Dinner--at the Close of the Year, 1 + After the Event, 268 + "Airy Fairy Lilly 'Un!" 125 + "All's (Fairly) Well," 189 + "And a good Judge, too," 87 + Anglo-American French, 108 + Another Rural Conference, 37 + Another Shakspeare, 133 + Any Man to any Woman, 227 + April Showers, 198 + Archdeacon Answered (The), 310 + "Are you Hansard now?" 133 + 'Arry Examined, 15 + 'Arry on Wheels, 217 + Ars Longa, 221 + Art in the City, 232 + Atrabilious Liverpool, 6 + Aspirations, 262 + At Mrs. Ram's, 42 + Attack on the "Capital" (The), 66 + + Bachelor's Growl (A), 294 + Berlin Citizen's Diary (A), 190 + Better and Better, 268 + "Beyond the Dreams of Avarice," 161 + Bird of Prey (A), 230 + Blizzard from the North, 278 + Boat-Race Day, 169 + Bogie Man (The), 138 + Bones of Joseph (The), 313 + Bos _v_. Boss, 9 + Bounds of Science (The), 182 + Boxing Imbroglio (The), 39 + Brawling at Home and Abroad, 179 + Breaking, 186 + Brer Fox and Old Man Crow, 281 + Bridal Wreath (The), 42 + Broken Bonds, 182 + Brother Brush, A.R.A., 65 + Brown-Jones Incident (The), 197 + Burial of the "Broad Gauge" (The), 266 + Burning Words, 237 + "Butchered to make ----," 147 + Butter and Bosh, 138 + By a Small Western, 93 + By One of the Unemployed, 289 + + Capital! 25 + "Call you this Backing your Friends?" 218 + Cardinal Manning, 39 + "Cave Kanem!" 315 + Change of Name suggested, 42 + Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 73 + "Charles, his Friends," 83 + Chef's New Dish for Travellers (The), 124 + Chimes (The), 2 + Christmas in Germany, 24 + Churlish Cabman (The), 157 + City Men, 94 + "Clerk me no Clerks," 153 + Climatic Nomenclature for the New Year, 6 + Cockney Classics, 179 + "Combining Amusement with Instruction," 100 + "Come hither, Hubert!" 69 + Coming of Ninety-Two, 6 + Complicated Case, 89 + Confessions of a Duffer, 35, 45, 49, 76, 97, 125, 141, 169, 202, + 229, 256, 285 + Connected with the Press, 189 + Considerate, 265 + Couplet by a Cynic, 222 + Courier of the Hague (The), 289 + Court Cards, 233 + Covent Garden Masque (The), 37 + Cries without Wool, 48, 129 + Criterion of Morals (A), 225 + Crossed-Examination, 24 + Cross-Examiner's Vade Mecum (The), 27 + Cupid's Tennis-Courts, 81 + Cursory Observation (A), 213 + "Cuts!" 303 + + Dangerous Title (A), 72 + Dawn of a New Era (The), 48 + Day at Antwerp (A), 277 + "Deadly Cigarette" (The), 252 + Death in the Pop, 124 + Dentist's Waiting-Room (A), 261 + "De Profundis," 209 + Destroying the Spider's Web, 159 + Dialogue of the Future (A), 37 + Dissolution--(as the Enemy of the London Season), 290 + Dogs and Cats, 94 + Doing the Old Masters, 121 + Dreams, 131 + Drinks and Dramas, 189 + Duke of Devonshire (The), 1 + Dynamite Dragon (The), 186 + Dynamitical Arguments, 21 + + Earl's Court Idyl (An), 304 + Early Spring, 229 + Effectively Settling it, 172 + Election Notes, 321 + Empty Triumph (An), 172 + Encounter, 124 + Entetement Britannique, 133 + Episcopacy in Danger, 268 + Essence of Parliament, 84, 90, 102, 114, 131, 143, 155, 166, 179, + 190, 227, 238, 244, 264, 274, 286, 300, 310, 317 + + Fair Philosopher (A), 41 + Fair Traders, 261 + Fancy Ball (The), 106 + Fete of Flora (The), 313 + Fettered, 195 + Fogged! 21 + Force of Example (The), 135 + Foreign and Home News, 73 + "Foresters" (The), 161 + Free and Easy Theatres, 36 + "Frogs" at Oxford (The), 145 + From a Lahore Paper, 298 + From Parliamentary Exam. Paper, 99 + From Robert, 174 + From the Shades, 262 + From the Theatres, &c., Commission, 198 + Fudge Formula (A), 118 + + General's Little Fund (The), 242 + Gifted Being (A), 310 + Gifts for the New Year, 9 + Girls of the Period, 305 + Gladstonian Mem (A), 47 + Good Grace-ious! 85 + Good News indeed! 36 + Great Loss to Everybody (A), 135 + Greek meets Greek, 9 + + "Hair-Cutting, Singeing, and Shampooing," 136 + Hamlet in half an hour, 281 + Hamlet in the Haymarket (The), 185 + Hamlet; or, Keeping it Dark, 225 + "Hard to Beer!" 25 + Haunted House (The), 250 + "Heavens!" 69 + High (Beerbohm) Treason! 65 + History as she is Played! 273 + Hero of the Summer Sale (The), 60 + Honour of the Bar (The), 48 + Horace in London, 93, 120, 137, 149, 269, 312 + Horse-Educator (The), 316 + Hospitality a la Mode, 145 + How they bring the Good News, 214 + How to Report the Practice of the Crews, 159 + How to Save London, 113 + Humpty-Dumpty up again! 17 + Hyde Park Corner, 261 + + Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 51 + In Defence of the Great Paradoxist, 262 + India for the Irish! 99 + In Fancy Dress, 196 + Influenza Song (An), 93 + Inharmonious Colours, 306 + "Innings declared Closed," 282 + In Statu,--quo? 70 + In the Seat of Wisdom, 94 + In this style, Six-and-Eightpence, 81 + "It will Wash!" 288 + + Jim's Jottings, 14, 85 + Jokim's Latest Little Joke, 204 + Judges in Council (The), 59 + Justice for Justice, 108 + + Kensington Gardens, 297 + Killing no Murder, 266 + King and the Clown (The), 172 + "Know all men by these Presents," 213 + + Lady Gay's Selections, 261, 273, 286, 300, 302, 313 + "La Grippe," 61 + La Justice pour Rire, 218 + Last of the Guards (The), 75 + Latterday Valentine (A), 89 + Laying a Ghost, 201 + Lay of the Analytic Novelist (The), 17 + Lay of the Literary Autolycus (The), 213 + Lay of the Litigant (The), 60 + Lay Sermon (A), 246 + Lays of Modern Home, 9 + Legend of the Mutton Bone (The), 192 + Letters to Abstractions, 5, 72, 112, 184 + Liquor Question (A), 193 + Limb and the Law (The), 262 + "Little Holiday" (A), 126 + Local Colour, 94 + Lockwood the Lecturer, 145 + Lord Bramwell, 258 + Lord Wildermere's Mother-in-Law, 123 + Lost Luggage, 265 + + "Marie, come up!" 57 + "Married and Single," 273 + Marvels of Modern Science (The), 157 + Matinee Mania, 165 + Matrimony Up to Date, 39 + "Meeting of the Waters" (The), 118 + Mems. of Theatres, &c., Commission, 244 + Menu from Birmingham (A), 70 + Menu from Hatfield (A), 54 + Mixed, 245 + Moan of the Music-Hall Muse (The), 278 + Modern Alexander's Feast (The), 111 + Modesty of Genius (The), 133 + More Bones to Pick with the School-Board, 81 + More than Satisfied, 241 + Morning of the Derby (The), 273 + Mr. Bayly's Coast-Spectre, 47 + Mr. Goschen's Budget, 193 + Mr. Punch's Agricultural Novel, 226 + Mr. Punch's Boat-Race Novel, 177 + Mr. Punch's Hebridean Salmon-Fly Book, 205 + Mr. Punch's New-Year Honours, Gifts, Good Wishes, and Greetings, 23 + Mr. Punch's Royal Academy Guide, 220 + Mr. Punch's Up-to-Date Poetry for Children, 145, 213 + Mr. Punch to the Illustrated London News, 242 + Mr. Punch to the Life-boat Men, 74 + Mrs. Ram on Current Politics, 69 + "Murder in Jest," 237 + "Music in Our Street" (The), 57 + "Must it come to this?" 129 + "My dear Eyes! What! See-usan!" 153 + My Soap, 193 + + "Names and their Meaning," 171 + Neo-Dramatic Nursery Rhyme, 193 + "Ne Plus Ulster," 305 + Newest Narcissus (The), 194 + New Gallery (The), 227 + New Learning (The), 249 + New Monitor (The), 18 + News about Bismarck, 317 + New Songstress (A), 315 + Night Lights, 57 + "Not at Home!" 234 + + Ode to a Giraffe, 173 + Odont.! 298 + "Off his Feed," 123 + Old Friend at the Criterion (An), 101 + Old Song Revived (An), 294 + On a New Yearling, 13 + "One Touch of Nature," 262 + Only Fancy! 12, 23, 29, 39 + On my Lady's Poodle, 261 + On Religious Cymbalism, 106 + "On the Blazoned Scroll of Fame," 141 + On the First Green Chair, 189 + On the (Post) Cards, 209 + On the Row among the Romancers, 240 + "On the Sly," 83 + On the Traill, 60 + Opera-Goer's Diary (The), 257, 280 + Operatic Notes, 269, 293, 305, 313 + "Orme! Sweet Orme!" 242 + _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 246 + Our Booking-Office, 4, 21, 36, 41, 60, 94, 108, 109, 133, 149, + 185, 197, 250, 257, 268 + Our Cookery-Bookery, 249 + Our Cricketers, 179 + Our Humorous Composer, 25 + Our Sal Volatile; or, A Wriggler Sarpint of Old Nile, 278 + "Out in the Cold!" 63 + + Paddywhack and Dr. Birch, 105 + Palmy Day at St. Raphael (A), 65 + Paragon Frame (of Mind) (A), 69 + Parliament a la Mode de Paris, 51 + Parliament in Sport, 63 + Personal Paragraphs, 181 + Philosophic Stupidity, 118 + Playful Sally (The), 304 + Playing Old Harry at the Lyceum, 33 + Plea for the Defence (A), 137 + "Pleased as Punch," 65 + "Pleasing the Pigs!" 73 + Poet and the Songs (The), 173 + Point of View (The), 206 + Polite Literature, 59 + Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 318 + Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 254 + Politics, 315 + Ponsch, Prince of Ollendorff, 148 + Popular Songs Re-sung, 13, 109, 143, 237 + Poser for Mr. Weatherby (A), 126 + Preserved Venice, 52 + Preux Chevalier, 36 + Private and the Public (The), 120 + Private Reflections of the Public Orator at Cambridge, 297 + "Probable Starters," 282 + Prudes and Nudes, 174 + Puzzler for a Costumier, 69 + + Queer Queries, 118 + Query by a Depressed Convalescent, 89 + Query by "Pen" (A), 94 + Question of Politeness, 171 + Quite Appropriate, 240 + Quite Clear, 9 + Quite in Keeping, 273 + + Rather Large Order (A), 184 + Receipt against Influenza, 61 + Reckoning without their Host, 223 + Recollections of (Cockney) "Arabian" Days and Nights, 234 + Reddie-turus Salutat, 218 + "Regrets and Greaves," 246 + Rembrandt, Titian, Velasquez, &c., 180 + Reported Disappearance of the Broad Gauge, 258 + Repulsing the Amazons, 216 + "Resignation of an Alderman," 280 + Respectability, 37 + "Returned Empty" (The), 26 + Rice and Prunes, 101 + Rich _v._ Poor, 133 + Riddle (A), 69, 227 + "Ring and the Book" (The), 120 + Robert in a Fog! 24 + Robert on the Hartistic Copperashun, 206 + Robert's Cure for the Hinfluenzy, 96 + Royal Academy Banquet, 222 + + Saints or Sinners? 205 + Sanitary Congress at Venice (The), 39 + Scale with the False Weights (The), 124 + Screwed up at Magdalen, 118 + Seasonable (and Suitable) Good Wishes, 9 + Seasonable Weather, 228 + Settler for Mr. Woods (A), 121 + Seven Ages of Woman (The), 230 + Shady Valet (A), 195 + "Signs" of the Times, 171 + Simple Stories, 4 + Singular Plurality, 262 + Sly Old Socrates, 309 + (Soldiers') Life we Live (The), 214 + Something New in Soap, 65 + Song for Lord Rosebery, 42 + Sonnet on the South-Eastern, 218 + Spring's Delights in London, 193 + Spring Time in Leap Year, 150 + St. John's Wood, 262 + Strange but True, 87 + Strange Charge against a Great Poet, 132 + Studies in the New Poetry, 268, 292 + Sunday Observance, 173 + Syllogisms of the Stump, 297 + + Take Care! 83 + Taking a Sight at Ringandknock, 201 + Talk over the Tub (A), 54 + "Ta-ra-ra" Boom (The), 149 + Telephone Cinderella (The), 162 + Telephonic Theatre-goers, 208 + Tennysonian Fragment (A), 89 + "Textuel," 282 + Theatres and Music Halls Commission, 173 + Theft _v._ Thrift, 23 + "There's the Rub!" 30 + "This Indenture witnesseth," 73 + Times Change, 99 + Tip from Our Own Booking-Office, 318 + Tip-top Tipster (A), 280 + "'Tis Merry in Hall," 157 + To a Railway Foot-Warmer, 133 + To be or Not to be--discovered, 278 + To Justice, 9 + To Lord Salisbury, 258 + To my Cigarette, 53 + To my Cook, 201 + Too Conscientious, 240 + Too Much of a Good Thing, 48 + Tooting, 161 + To Police-Constables Smeeth and Tappin, 81 + To Queen Coal, 138 + To the Future A.R.A., 72 + To the Grand Old Tory, 237 + To the New "Queen of the May," 210 + To the Queen, 61 + To the Young City Men, 147 + Town Thoughts from the Country, 193 + Tramways, 245 + Travelling Companions (The), 11, 16, 23, 40, 64, 83 + Trial in Novel Form (A), 12 + True and Trusty, 70 + True Modesty, 211 + Truly and Reely, 84 + Two Archers (The), 227 + Two Dromios, 171 + Two Shepherds (The), 87 + + Una and the British Lion, 314 + Unasked, 30 + Unobserved of One "Observer" (The), 106 + Upon Julia's Coat, 189 + Useful Cricketer (The), 297 + + Vans de Luxe, 252 + Venice at Olympia, 36 + Venice in London, 41 + Venice Reserved, 253 + "Versailles" in Leicester Square, 301 + Very "Dark Horse" (A), 270 + Very "French before Breakfast," 262 + Very Natural Error, 288 + Very Orchid! 168 + Vigorous Vicar (The), 288 + "Vive la Liberte!" 106 + Volunteer Review at Dover (The), 172 + + Waiting Game (A), 174 + Walt Whitman, 179 + Want (A), 193 + Water-Colour Room at the Academy (The), 227 + Way they have in the Army (The), 292 + Weather Reform, 96 + Wellington Monument (The), 213 + What do they Mean by it? 129 + "When Greek meets Greek," 306 + Whipped in Vain, 73 + Wilde "Tage" to a Tame Play (A), 113 + Wilful Wilhelm, 146 + William the Whaler, 170 + With the Easter Eggs, 185 + World on the Wheels (The), 222 + Wrestling with Whistlers, 181 + Wright and Wrong, 85 + + Ye Moderates of London, 145 + Young Girl's Companion (The), 204, 216, 225, 252 + + + LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + April Showers; or, a Spoilt Easter Holiday, 199 + Attack on the "Capital" (The), 67 + Bogie Man (The), 139 + "Coming of Arthur" (The), 91 + Coming of Ninety-Two (The), 7 + Dynamite Dragon (The), 187 + Gift from the Greeks (A), 103 + "Her Majesty's Servants," 78, 79 + "Innings Closed," 283 + January 14, 1892, 43 + "Little Holiday" (A), 127 + New Monitor (The), 19 + New "Queen of the May" (The), 211 + "Not at Home!" 235 + Old Song Revived (An), 295 + _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 247 + Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 319 + Reckoning without their Host, 223 + "Short 'Anded," 55 + Spring Time in Leap Year, 151 + Telephone Cinderella (The), 163 + "There's the Rub!" 31 + "Under which Thimble?" 259 + Very "Dark Horse" (A), 271 + Waiting Game (A), 175 + "When Greek meets Greek," 307 + Younger than Ever; 115 + + + SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + + AEsthetic Idea of Plate-Glass Window, 273 + Archie's Sister reading Fairy Tales, 174 + 'Arry 'Untin' in the Frost, 3 + Au Revoir to the Foxes, 214 + Autumn Goods in Pictures, 206 + "Bandy" Association playing Hockey, 101 + Baronet explains "Early and Late," 250 + Barrister suggests a "Bad Objection," 185 + "Beaters" after Luncheon, 96 + Bismarck Cut by Emperor, 303 + Bismarck "Out in the Cold," 62 + Black and White Boxing Contest, 287 + British Lion and the New Khedive, 38 + Buffalo and Broncho at Earl's Court, 276 + Bumble and the Evicted Poor, 14 + Burial of the "Broad-Gauge" (The), 267 + Candidate Catching, 239 + "Champagne first, then Claret," 147 + Chancery Judges airing Infant Suitors, 94 + Chaplin and the Pigs, 73 + Cheeky Artist and German Picture-Dealer, 124 + Chief Groups in Commons' Waxworks, 178 + Chimes of 1892 (The), 2 + "Claiming the Land," 322 + Cockney Art-Teacher and Pupil, 238 + Cook Basting a Joint, 109 + Dancing Lady very much Engaged, 302 + Dancing Men at Supper, 126 + Dean's Wife and Bishop's Butler, 75 + Destroying the Money-Spider's Web, 158 + Dissatisfied with her Dressmaker, 54 + Dissolution Spectre (The), 290 + Doctors Irving and Toole, 310 + Doctor's Ugly Children (The), 222 + Drummondo Wolffez, the Bull-fighter, 59 + D.T. Patient and his Skeleton, 39 + Edith's Grace after Pudding, 254 + Erne on Rabbits and Multiplication, 246 + Ethel and the "Lion of the Season," 209 + Ethel's Question on Face and Hair-Powder, 268 + Faint Comet (A), 179 + Fair Matron and Great Mathematician, 70 + Fancy Portrait of Oscar Wilde, 113 + Farmer Murphy at the Box-Office, 230 + Fashionable Lady's Ugly Side (A), 234 + Fashionable Mother's Child's Age, 294 + Fat and Thin Pug-Dogs, 102 + Father Time and Coming Events, 10 + Footman and Page-Boy, 23 + Footman recommending a Dentist, 135 + Fox-hunters among the Turnips, 29 + French and English Infantrymen, 207 + General Boombastes Booth, 106 + Georgie Porgie Gladstone, 279 + German Emperor as Jupiter, 110 + German Emperor destroying Papers, 146 + German William's Wheeling Expedition, 170 + Gladstone and Friends' Letters, 311 + Golf Implements without the Links, 94 + "Good Staying" Mare (A), 61 + Grand Old Energy, 130 + Group of Goormongs (A), 150 + Harcourt as a Commercial Traveller, 274 + Haunted House of Commons (The), 251 + History Exam, on the Great Sapolio, 210 + Housemaid and Footman Conversing, 179 + Housemaid defines R.S.V.P., 321 + House of Lords Waxworks, 107 + Hunter hung up on a Stile, 129 + Hunting Man has had "a Drop too much," 37 + Hunting Man walks without Boots, 177 + Impatient Old Gent at Post-Office, 182 + Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 50 + Inebriated Gent at Signal-Box, 123 + Jones and Dinner Conversation, 282 + Jones and Press Criticisms, 66 + Judge hearing Two Cases at Once, 65 + Judges Serving in Refreshment Bar, 81 + Kent Road Belle and Contrast, 291 + Labouchere Ferret and Blackmailing Rat, 148 + Lady and Ignorant Voter's Wife, 237 + Lady and M.P. meet in the Park, 138 + Lady Diana and the Horse-dealer, 159 + Lady Harpy (The), 231 + La France forsaken by the Russ, 183 + Leaving out the "Ought," 194 + Little Charlie's Good-bye at a Station, 111 + Little Ethel and the Whipped Cream, 198 + Little Swell and Wild West Indians, 309 + London in Venice, 119 + Lovers in a French Cemetery, 25 + Maid and Dowager's Dress, 63 + Maid who didn't Suit the Situation, 298 + Maiden who wishes to be engaged, 69 + Mamma on People worth Knowing, 42 + Mariana's difficulty with Curling Tongs, 63 + Married Vicar and his Curate, 292 + Master administering the Rod, 109 + Middy and the Bay-Rum, 153 + Middy and the Bishop, 258 + Miss Certainage believes she will die young, 242 + Miss Eugenia's Taste for Antiques, 131 + Miss Twelfthnight's Characters, 22 + Modern Criminal Hero (The), 195 + Morley's Stray Sheep, 86 + Mr. Punch congratulates Madame Illustrated London News, 243 + Mr. Punch Golfing, 1 + Mrs. Dasher and the Complimentary Major, 155 + New Companion's H.'s (The), 286 + New L.C.C. Waxworks (The), 142 + Newly-Married M.P. and Wife, 306 + Old Maid and Chapel-going Servant, 193 + Our Artist's Execution, 99 + Our Little Artist's Tall Women, 270 + Over Time in Leap Year, 12 + Page-Boy and the Door-Plate, 197 + Page-Boy and the Major's Coat, 47 + Page-Boy in Love (The), 137 + Pair of Old-fashioned Snuffers, 6 + Parliamentary Safety Bicycle Championship, 82 + Parliament Member's Thoughts, 203 + Pavement Artist at Whistler's Show, 171 + Picking a Funny Bone, 186 + Picture of "Olympia" (A), 190 + Polite 'Bus Conductor (The), 218 + Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 255 + Political Wirepuller at Work (The), 58 + Private View, Royal Academy, 215 + Prize Idiot with a Cold, 318 + Punch and the Lifeboat-Men, 74 + Race for the Country (The), 299 + Racer "Majority" Off his Feed, 122 + Railway Travellers' Last Match, 114 + Randolph returned from Mashonaland, 26 + Representations of the London County Council, 191 + "Round" or "Square"? 15 + Royal Parliamentary Tournament, 263 + Russian Recruiting Sergeant and the Shah, 219 + Salvation House of Commons (The), 154 + Schoolboy making his Sister "Fag," 118 + Scotch Gamekeepers and Londoner, 18 + Scotchwoman on Lady Doctors (A), 245 + Sea-side Ballad-Singer and Old Lady, 21 + Short Dancing-Man and his Hostess, 162 + Sir Bonamy's Dinner-Book, 90 + Sketches in the Saddle, 34 + Sketches of Balfour the Leader, 167 + Sketching in the Train, 46 + Speaking French without an Accent, 214 + Speaking Likeness of a Dumb Model, 30 + Sporting Gentleman and Parson, 266 + Street Music, 57 + "Through Darkest Lambeth," 315 + Tommy and his Grandpapa, 161 + Tommy and Jimmy criticising Picture, 262 + Two Hamlets (The), 73 + Una and the British Lion, 314 + Unwilling Imitator of Lottie Collins, 227 + Venus of 1892 rising from the Sea, 293 + Volunteer and the Jury List (The), 134 + "Waking-up" for the Opening of the Session, 71 + Westminster Waxworks, 1892 (The), 95 + William the Conqueror and the Range Act, 98 + Wishing he had been a "Bear," 274 + Wishing Mamma was a Kangaroo, 304 + Worried Journalist and Philistine Wife, 27 + Young Lady Popular Novelist (A), 83 + Young Wife and Club Telephone, 51 + Young Wife and Old Spinster, 87 + +[Illustration: (Finis)] + + * * * * * + +LONDON: BRADBURY AGNEW, & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, July 2, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14787.txt or 14787.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/8/14787/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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