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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:20 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:20 -0700 |
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diff --git a/14769-h/14769-h.htm b/14769-h/14769-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5327aee --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/14769-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2369 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, April 11th, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i12 {margin-left: 6em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14769 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 11th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" + id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The question as to how America's army will assist the Allies + has not yet been decided, so that President WILSON will still + be glad of suggestions from our halfpenny morning papers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The military absentee who said he had just dined at a London + restaurant, and therefore did not mind going back to the + trenches, acted rightly in not disclosing the name of the + restaurant.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The report that M. VENEZELOS was in London has been denied + by <i>The Daily Mail</i> and the Press Bureau. It is expected + that the news will at once be telegraphed to M. VENEZELOS.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a proposal to shorten theatrical performances, and + several managers of revue, unable to determine which joke to + retain, have in desperation resolved to sacrifice both.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Owing to travelling and other difficulties the British + Association have decided not to hold their annual meeting this + year. Unofficially, the decision is attributed to the growing + prejudice against a continuance of the more frivolous forms of + entertainment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A soldier in Salonika has asked a friend in Surrey to send + him some flower seeds for a garden in his camp. We hear that + Mr. LYNCH, M.P., is convinced that this is merely an inspired + attempt to obscure the real object of the campaign.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We learn with satisfaction that it is proposed to form a + Ministry of Health, for many of the Government Departments seem + to be suffering from a variety of complaints.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In connection with a recent law case, in which a certain Mr. + SHAW was referred to as "one of the public," we hasten to point + out that it did not refer to Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who, of + course, is not in that category.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Peanuts," says <i>The Daily Chronicle,</i> "do not seem to + be receiving the attention they deserve from our food experts." + Several of our younger readers who profess to be food experts + declare that they are ready to attend to all the peanuts that + our contemporary cares to put in their way.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In a duel with revolvers last week two Spanish officers + wounded one another. We have all along maintained that duels + with revolvers are becoming positively dangerous.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A cheque for twenty-five million dollars has just been + handed to M. BRON, Danish Minister at Washington, in payment + for the Danish West Indies. This, we understand, includes cost + of packing and delivery.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/233.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/233.png" + alt="This pains me much more than it does you!" /></a> + + + <p><i>Master (after the event).</i> "DO YOU KNOW, YOUNG + MAN, THAT THIS PAINS ME MUCH MORE THAN IT DOES YOU?"</p> + + <p><i>The Terror.</i> "NO, I DIDN'T KNOW, SIR. BUT IF THAT + ASSERTION GENUINELY EXPRESSES YOUR CONSIDERED OPINION I + FEEL VERY MUCH BETTER."</p> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a serious shortage of margarine and many people + have been compelled to fall back on butter.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A gossip writer states that one of the recent additions to + the Metropolitan Special constabulary weighs seventeen stone. + It is not yet decided whether he will take one beat or two.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is to be no General Election this year for fear that + it might clash with the other War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Another military absentee having told the Thames Police + Court magistrate that he did not know there was a War on, it is + expected that the Government will have to announce the + fact.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is no longer the fashion to regard the British as a + degenerate race. Still it is good to know that one of our rat + clubs has killed no fewer than three hundred of these ferocious + beasts.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A contemporary suggests that we may yet institute a system + of pigeon post, and thus assist the postal services. There will + be fine mornings when the exasperated house-holder will be + waiting behind the door with a shot-gun for the bird which + attempts to deliver the Income Tax papers.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two litigants in the Bombay High Court have settled their + differences by agreeing that the sum in dispute shall be paid + into the War Fund. This is considered to be a marked + improvement on the old method of dividing it between the + lawyers in the case.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"It is my supreme war aim," said Count VON ROON in the + Prussian House of Lords, "to keep the Throne and the Dynasty + sky high." Once we have knocked them sky high the Count can + keep them in any old place he likes.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>At a recent concert at Cripplegate Institute in aid of St. + Dunstan's Hostel for Blinded Soldiers, lightning sketches of + cats by Louis WAIN were sold by auction. The sketching of these + night-prowlers by lightning is, we understand, a most + exhilarating pursuit, but the opportunities for it are + comparatively rare, and most artists have to utilise the moon + or the searchlight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that owing to the shortage of paper the + number of propagandist pamphlets published by the German + Government will be diminished. The decision may also have been + influenced by the increasing shortage of neutrals.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Father Waring's boat became jammed while being lowered and + hung dangerously, but the ship's surgeon cut the cackles + and they descended safely."—<i>The Pioneer + (Allahabad)</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Another of our strong silent + men.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" + id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + <hr /> + + <h2>SYMPOSIUM OF THE CENTRAL WEAKNESSES.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">FERDIE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>My nerves are feeling rather bad</p> + + <p>About the news from Petrograd.</p> + + <p>Briefly, and speaking as a Tsar,</p> + + <p>I think the game has gone too far.</p> + + <p>When Liberty gets on the wing</p> + + <p>You cannot always stop the thing.</p> + + <p>Vices from ill examples grow,</p> + + <p>And I might be the next to go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">TINO.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, what has happened over there</p> + + <p>May very well occur elsewhere.</p> + + <p>Fortune with me may prove as fickle as</p> + + <p>It did with poor lamented NICHOLAS.</p> + + <p>It was a silly thing to do</p> + + <p>To ape the airs of WILLIAM TWO;</p> + + <p>I cannot think what I was at,</p> + + <p>Trying to be an autocrat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">MEHMED.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I take a very dubious tone</p> + + <p>About the fate of Allah's Own.</p> + + <p>The Young Turk Party's been my bane</p> + + <p>And caused me hours and hours of pain;</p> + + <p>But, what would be a bitterer pill,</p> + + <p>There may be others younger still,</p> + + <p>Who, if the facts should get about,</p> + + <p>Would want to rise and throw me out.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">FERDIE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I don't believe that WILLIAM cares</p> + + <p>One little fig for my affairs.</p> + + <p>He roped me in to this concern</p> + + <p>Simply to serve his private turn;</p> + + <p>And never shed a single tear</p> + + <p>Over my loss of Monastir.</p> + + <p>For tuppence, if I saw my way,</p> + + <p>I'd join the others any day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">TINO.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last year (its memory still is green) O</p> + + <p>How WILLIAM loved his precious TINO!</p> + + <p>He talked about our family ties</p> + + <p>And sent me such a lot of spies.</p> + + <p>But since his foes began to squeeze</p> + + <p>My guns inside the Peloponnese</p> + + <p>His interest in me has ceased;</p> + + <p>I do not like it in the least.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i12">MEHMED.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I lent him troops when things were slack,</p> + + <p>And now the beast won't pay 'em back.</p> + + <p>He never mentions any "line"</p> + + <p>Of HINDENBURG'S in Palestine.</p> + + <p>I cannot sleep; I get such frights</p> + + <p>During these dark Arabian Nights.</p> + + <p>But he—he doesn't care a dem.</p> + + <p>O Allah! O Jerusalem!</p> + + <p class="i16">O.S.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p class="center">"THE ONE NEW SPRING FASHION.</p> + + <blockquote> + Every woman who wants the most economical new garment, + should buy to-morrow's DAILY SKETCH."—<i>Evening + Standard.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>It sounds cheap, but would it wear?</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2> + + <p class="center">SOCIETY "WAR-WORKERS."</p> + + <p>DEAREST DAPHNE,—The scarcity of paper isn't altogether + an unmixed misfortune, as far as one's correspondence is + concerned. Letters that don't matter, letters from the + insignificant and the boresome, simply aren't answered. For + small spur-of-the-moment notes to one's <i>intimes</i> who're + not too far off, there's quite a little feeling for using + <i>slates</i>. One writes what one's to say on one's slate + (which may be just as dilly a little affair as you please, with + plain or chased silver frame, enamelled monogram or coronet, + and pencil hanging by a little silver chain), and sends it by a + servant. When the note's been read, it's wiped off, the answer + written, and the slate brought back. <i>Isn't</i> that + fragrant? I may claim to have set this fashion. Of course a + very <i>voyant</i> slate is not just-so. The + Bullyon-Boundermere woman set up one with a deep, + heavily-chased gold frame, and "B.-B." at the top set with big + diamonds. <i>C'est bien elle!</i> She'd used it only + half-a-dozen times when it was snatched from her footwoman, who + was taking it to somebody's house, and hasn't been heard of + since!</p> + + <p><i>People Who Matter</i> gave a double-page to illustrating + "War-Time Correspondence Slates of Social Leaders." <i>My</i> + slate's there, and Stella Clackmannan's, and Beryl's and + several more. À propos, have you seen the series of + "Well-known War-Workers" they've been having lately in + <i>People Who Matter</i>? They're really quite worth while. + There's dear Lala Middleshire in one of those charming "Olga" + trench coats (khaki face-cloth lined self-coloured satin and + with big, lovely, gilt-and-enamelled buttons), high brown + boots, and one of those saucy little Belgian caps with a + distracting little tassel wagging in front. The pickie is + called "The Duchess of Middleshire Takes a War-Worker's Lunch," + and dear Lala is shown standing by a table, looking so + <i>bravely</i> at two cutlets, a potato, a piece of war bread, + a piece of war cheese and a small pudding.</p> + + <p>Then there's Hermione Shropshire, in a perfectly + <i>haunting</i> lace and taffetas morning robe, with a clock + near her (marked with a cross) pointing to eight o'clock! (She + lets her maid dress her at that hour now, so that the girl may + go and make munitions.) And Edelfleda Saxonbury is shown in an + evening gown, wearing her famous pearls. She's leaning her chin + on her hand and gazing with a sweet wistful look at an inset + view of the hostel where she's washed plates and cups quite + several times.</p> + + <p>And last but not least there's a pickie that the journalist + people have dubbed, "Distinguished Society Women distinguish + themselves as Carpenters," <i>et voilà</i> Beryl, Babs + and your Blanche, in delicious cream serge overall things, with + hammers, planes, and saws embroidered in crewels on the big + square collars and turn-up cuffs, and enormously becoming + carpenter's caps, looking at a rest-hut we've just finished. + Oh, my dearest and best, you don't know what it is to + <i>live</i> till you've learned to <i>carpent</i>! It's + positively <i>enthralling</i>! When we're skilful enough we're + to go abroad—<i>mais il faut se taire</i>! <i>I</i> don't + see why we shouldn't go <i>now</i>. We're as skilful as we + shall ever be. And even if one or two of our huts <i>had</i> no + doors what's that matter? Besides, a hut with no door has a + tremendous pull—there wouldn't be any draughts!</p> + + <p>Everyone's <i>furious</i> at the way the powers that be have + treated Sybil Easthampton. You know what a wonderful thing her + Ollyoola Love Dance is. Of course she's lived among the + Ollyoolas and knows them in all their moods. (They're natives + somewhere ever and ever so far off, where there are palms and + coral reefs, and the people don't believe in wrapping + themselves up much.) And so she's given the dance at a great + many War Fund matinees. That little Mrs. Jimmy Sharpe, daring + to criticise it, said there was too much Ollyoola and not + enough dance; but everybody who <i>counts</i> simply raves + about it. And then, when some manager person offered Sybil big + terms to do it at the "Incandescent," he was "officially + informed" that, if the Ollyoola Love Dance went into the bill + the "Incandescent" would be "placed out of bounds"! What do + you, <i>do</i> you think of that, <i>m'amie</i>? A piece of + sheer <i>artistry</i> like the Ollyoola Love Dance to be + treated so! And it's wonderful not only artistically but + scientifically. Each of dear Sybil's amazing wriggles and + squirms and crouches and springs is <i>absolutely</i> + true—<i>exactly</i> what an Ollyoola <i>does</i> when + it's in love.</p> + + <p>We're all glad to think we can <i>still</i> see the Ollyoola + Love Dance at War Fund matinées.</p> + + <p class="center">Ever thine,<br /> + BLANCHE.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Secrets of the Sales.</h4> + + <p>"A splendid line in corsets, in fine white coutil, usually + sold at 14s. 11d., are offered sale at 17s. 11d. + each."—<i>Fashions for All.</i></p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "BRITISH HARRY THE ENEMY."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>And all this time the Germans have been under the impression + that it was British + Tommy.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" + id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/235.png" + alt="Alimentary Intelligence." /></a> + + <h3>ALIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH. "DO YOU CONTROL FOOD HERE?"</p> + + <p>COMMISSIONAIRE. "WELL, SIR, 'CONTROL' IS PERHAPS RATHER + A STRONG WORD. BUT WE GIVE HINTS TO HOUSEHOLDERS, AND WE + ISSUE 'GRAVE WARNINGS.'"</p> + + <p class="center">(Mr. Punch, however, is glad to note that + more drastic regulations are about to be enforced.)</p> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" + id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <p class="center">LIX.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,—Reference the German withdrawal. The + matter is proceeding in machine-like order, and one of the + first great men to cross No-Man's Land was myself in the + noblest of cars. It was, I confess, a purely temporary and + fortuitous arrangement which put me in such a conveyance, but I + had the feeling that it was excellently fitted to my particular + form of greatness, and there were moments when I was so + enamoured of it that I was on the verge of getting into a hole + with it and staying hid there till the end of the War. Just the + right hole was provided at every cross-roads, but the driver + wouldn't try them and went round by the fields.</p> + + <p>Of the flattened villages and the severed fruit-trees you + will have read as much as I have seen. It's a gruesome + business, but one charred village is much like another, and the + sight is, alas, a familiar one nowadays. For me all else was + forgotten in speechless admiration of the French people. Their + self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These + hundreds of honest people, just relieved from the domineering + of the Master Swine and restored to their own good France + again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted. They were just + their happy selves, very pleased about it all, standing in + their doorways, strolling about the market-place, watching the + march of events as one might watch a play. Every house had its + tricolor bravely flying; where they'd got them from so soon I + don't know, but no Frenchman ever yet failed, under any + circumstances, to produce exactly the right thing at exactly + the right moment. There was a nice old Adjoint at the Mairie + who wasn't for doing any business at all, with the English or + anyone else, until a certain formality had been observed. He + had a bottle of old brandy in his cellar, which somehow or + other had escaped the German eye these last two years. This, + said Monsieur, had first to be disposed of before any other + business could conceivably be entertained ... I gathered he had + risked much, everything possibly, in keeping this bottle two + years; but nothing on earth would induce him to retain it two + minutes longer.</p> + + <p>Madame, the doctor's wife, approached me as a friend with a + request. Would I expedite a letter to her people, to announce + her restoration to liberty? I was at Madame's disposal. She + handed me the letter. I observed that the envelope was not + closed down. Madame's look indicated that this was intentional, + and her expression indicated that this was the sort of thing + she was used to.</p> + + <p>There was no weeping, no extreme emotion. There was a + philosophical detachment, a very prevalent humour, and, for the + rest, signs of a quiet waiting for "The Day." There is only one + day for France, the day of the arrival of Frenchmen on German + soil. When the English arrive in Germany there will be nothing + doing, except some short and precise orders that we must salute + all civilians and pay double for what we buy; but when the + French arrive in Germany ... and Heaven send we are going to + help them to get well in!</p> + + <p>There is a story current, turning on these events, of a + young German officer and an official correspondence. It just + possibly may be true, since even among such a rotten lot there + might conceivably have been one tolerable fellow. The Higher + Command had been much intrigued as to a church window, wanting + to know (in writing) exactly why and how it had been broken; or + rather, as it was the German Higher Command, exactly why and + how it had been allowed to remain unbroken. You know how these + affairs develop in interest and excitement as the + correspondence passes down and down, from one formation to + another, and what an air of urgency and bitterness they wear + when they reach the last man. In this case the young German + subaltern, who had no one else below him on whom to put the + burden of explaining in writing, took advantage of his + position, and wrote upon a slip, which he attached to the top + of the others: "To Officer Commanding British Troops. Passed to + you, please, as this town is now in your area...."</p> + + <p>Probably the tale isn't true, for if the officer was a + German he must have had German blood in him, and if he had + German blood in him there couldn't be room for anything else, + certainly not for a sense of humour.</p> + + <p>We stayed longer than we should have done; this was an + occasion upon which one could not insist on the limit of ten + handshakes per person. I was delayed also by the Institutrice, + who wanted to borrow my uniform, so that she might put it on + and so be in a position to start right off at once, paying + back. She meant it too, and I should not be surprised to hear + that she's been caught doing it by this time. Her mother was + there in great form. Asked for her opinion of the dear + departed, she said she had already told it to themselves and + saw no reason to alter it. "They make war only on women and + children; they are <i>lâches</i>." My N.C.O. got out his + pocket-dictionary to discover the exact meaning of the word. + She told us he needn't trouble; it meant two months' + imprisonment. She had a face like a russet apple—a very + nice russet apple, too.</p> + + <p>We didn't get away before dark, and we found it very hard to + discover our way about new country when large hunks of it were + missing altogether. One of the party would walk on to find the + way, and later I would go forth to find him. We could see the + road stretching away in front of us for kilometres; but between + us and it there would be twenty yards of nil.</p> + + <p>However, the car eventually learnt to stand on its back + wheels, climb hedges and make its way home across country, + having confirmed its general opinion of the Bosch, that he is + only good at one thing, and that is destroying other people's + property. I am now back in comfort again, and able to remember + your suffering. I send herewith a slice of bully beef (one) and + potatoes (two), hoping that they will not be torpedoed, and + urging you to hang on, for we are now beginning to think of + moving towards Germany, if only to see, when we get there, + exactly what the Frenchman has been evolving in his mind all + this time.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours ever,<br /> + HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/236.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/236.png" + alt="You're going to have the vote at last." /></a> + + <p>"WELL, SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE VOTE AT LAST."</p> + + <p>"OH, ONLY WOMEN OVER THIRTY, YOU KNOW."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "General Ludendorff has received the Red Eagle of the First + Class."—<i>Central News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>An appropriate reward for his rapid + flight.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" + id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/237.png" + alt="I never was a barber afore" /></a> + + <p><i>Customer</i>. "LOOK OUT! YOU'RE CONFOUNDEDLY + CLUMSY!"</p> + + <p><i>New Assistant</i>. "WELL, YOU CAN'T BE PARTICKLER + WHAT YOU DO NOWADAYS. I NEVER WAS A BARBER AFORE, AND I + 'ATE AND DESPISE THE JOB—SEE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>COMRADES.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In every home in England you will find their wistful + faces,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where, weary of adventure, lying lonely + by the fire,</p> + + <p>Untempted by the sunlight and the call of open + spaces,</p> + + <p class="i2">They are listening, listening, listening + for the step of their desire.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, watching, we remember all the tried and never + failing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The good ones and the game ones that have + run the years at heel;</p> + + <p>Old Scamp that killed the badger single-handed by + the railing,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Fan, the champion ratter, with her + fifty off the reel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bitches under Ranksboro' with hackles up for + slaughter,</p> + + <p class="i2">The otter hounds on Irfon as they part + the alder bowers,</p> + + <p>The tufters drawing to their stag above the Horner + Water,</p> + + <p class="i2">The setters on Ben Lomond when the purple + heather flowers.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The collie climbing Cheviot to head his hill sheep + stringing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The Dandie digging to his fox among the + Lakeside scars,</p> + + <p>The Clumber in the marshes when the evening flight + is winging</p> + + <p class="i2">And the wild geese coming over through + the rose light and the stars.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And my heart goes out in pity to each faithful one + that's fretting</p> + + <p class="i2">Day by day in cot or castle with his dim + eyes on the door.</p> + + <p>In his dreams he hunts with sorrow. And for us + there's no forgetting</p> + + <p class="i2">That he helped our love of England and he + hardened us for war.</p> + + <p class="i16">W.H.O.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3><i>AUTRE TEMPS—AUTRES MŒURS.</i></h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When MOSES fought with AMALEK in days of long + ago,</p> + + <p class="i2">And slew him for the glory of the + Lord,</p> + + <p>'Is longest range artill'ry was an arrow and a + bow,</p> + + <p class="i2">And 'is small arms was a barrel-lid and + sword;</p> + + <p>But to-day 'e would 'ave done 'em in with gas,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or blowed 'em up with just a mine or + so,</p> + + <p>Then broken up their ranks by advancing with 'is + tanks,</p> + + <p class="i2">And started 'ome to draw his D.S.O.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When ST. GEORGE 'e went a-ridin' all naked through + the lands—</p> + + <p class="i2">You can see 'im on the back of + 'arf-a-quid—</p> + + <p>'E spiked the fiery dragon with a spear in both 'is + 'ands,</p> + + <p class="i2">But to-day, if 'e 'd to do what then he + did,</p> + + <p>'E 'd roll up easy in an armoured car,</p> + + <p class="i2">'E 'd loose off a little Lewis gun,</p> + + <p>Then 'e 'd 'oist the scaly dragon upon a G.S. + wagon</p> + + <p class="i2">And cart 'im 'ome to show the job was + done.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then there weren't no airyplanes and there weren't + no bombs and guns;</p> + + <p class="i2">You just biffed the opposition on the + 'ead.</p> + + <p>If the world could take all weapons from the British + and the 'Uns,</p> + + <p class="i2">Could scrap the steel, the copper and the + lead;</p> + + <p>If we fought it out with pick-'andles and fists,</p> + + <p class="i2">If the good old times would only come + agin,</p> + + <p>When there weren't no dirty trenches with their rats + and lice and stenches,</p> + + <p class="i2">Why, a month 'ud see us whoopin' through + Berlin!</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" + id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + <hr /> + + <h2>SPOOP.</h2> + + <p class="center">A REPERTORY DRAMA IN ONE ACT.</p> + + <blockquote> + ["A repertory play is one that is unlikely to be + repeated."—<i>Old Saying</i>.] + </blockquote> + + <p class="center">CHARACTERS.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>John Bullyum, J.P.</i> (Member of the Town + Council of Mudslush).</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Bullyum</i> (his wife).</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (their daughter).</p> + + <p><i>David</i> (their son).</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + SCENE.—<i>The living-room of a smallish house in the + dullest street of a provincial suburb.</i> + [<i>N.B.—This merely means that practically any + scenery will do, provided the wall-paper is sufficiently + hideous. Furnish with the scourings of the + property-room—a great convenience for Sunday evening + productions.</i>] <i>The room contains rather less than the + usual allowance of doors and windows, thus demonstrating a + fine contempt for stage traditions. An electric-light, + disguised within a mid-Victorian gas-globe, occupies a + conspicuous position on one wall. You will see why + presently. When the curtain rises</i> Janet, <i>an awkward + girl of any age over thirty</i> (<i>and made up to look + it</i>) <i>is seated before the fire knitting. Her mother, + also knitting, faces her. The appearance of the elder woman + contains a very careful suggestion of the nearest this kind + of play ever gets to low-comedy.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>glancing at clock on mantelpiece</i>). It's + close on nine. David is late again.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> He's aye late these nights. 'Tis the lectures + at the Institute that keeps him.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>N.B.—Naturally both women speak with a pronounced + accent, South Lancashire if possible. Failing that, + anything sufficiently unlike ordinary English will + serve.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Janet</i>. He's that anxious to get on, is David.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Ay, he's fair set on being a town councillor + one day, like thy feyther.</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>quietly</i>). That 'ud be fine.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> You'd a rare long meeting at the women's + guild to-night.</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>without emotion</i>). Ay. They've elected + me to go to Manchester on the deputation.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> You'll like that.</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>suppressing a secret pride so that it is + wholly imperceptible by the audience</i>). It'll be well + enough. I'm to go first-class. (<i>A pause.</i>) Young Mr. + Inkslinger is going too.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>with interest</i>). Can they spare him + from the boot-shop?</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i>. He's left them. He's writing a play.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>concerned</i>). Dear, dear! And he used + to be such a steady young fellow.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>All that matters in their conversation is now finished, + but as the play has got to be filled up they continue to + talk for some ten minutes longer. At the end of that + time</i>— + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>glancing at clock again</i>). It's + half-past nine, and neither of they men back yet.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>Which means that, while the attention of the audience + was diverted, the stage-manager must have twiddled the + clock-hands round from behind. This is called realism.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Listen! Yer feyther's comin' now.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>A door in the far distance is heard to bang. At the + same instant</i> John Bullyum <i>enters quickly. He is the + typical British parent of repertory; that is to say, he has + iron-grey hair, a chin beard, a lie-down collar, and the + rest of his appearance is a cross between a gamekeeper and + an undertaker.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Bullyum</i> (<i>He is evidently in a state of some + excitement; speaks scornfully</i>). Well, here's a fine thing + happened.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> What is it, feyther?</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>showing letter</i>). That young puppy, + Inkslinger, had the impudence to write me asking for our Janet. + But I've told him off to rights. He's nobbut a + boot-builder.</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>in a level voice</i>). Ye're wrong there, + feyther. Bob Inkslinger's a dramatist now.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>thunderstruck</i>). What?</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>as before</i>). He's had a play taken by + the Sad Sundays Society.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>. Great Powers, a repertory dramatist! And I've + insulted him!—me, a town councillor. (<i>He has grown + white to the lips; this is not easy, but can be managed.</i>) + There'll be a play about me—about us, this + house—everything. But (<i>passionately</i>) I'll thwart + him yet. Janet, my girl, do thee write at once and say that I + withdraw my opposition to the engagement.</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>dully</i>). But I don't want the man.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>hectoring</i>). Am I your feyther or am I + not? I tell you you shall marry him. And what's more, he shan't + find us what he looks for. No, no (<i>with rising + agitation</i>), he thinks that because I'm a town councillor + I'm to be made game of, does he? Well, I'll learn him + different! (<i>Glaring round</i>) This room—it's got to + be changed. And you (<i>to</i> Janet) put on a short frock, + something lively and up-to-date—d' ye hear? At once!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>as</i> Janet <i>only stares without + moving</i>). Well, I never.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>. And let's have some books about the + place—BERNARD SHAW—</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>icily</i>). He's a back number now, + feyther.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>. Well, whoever's the latest. Then you must go + to plays and dances, lots of dances. (<i>Struck with an + idea</i>) Where's David?</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>As he speaks</i> David <i>enters, a tall ungainly youth + with spectacles and a projecting brow.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>David</i>. Here I yam, feyther.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>. It's close on ten. (<i>Hopefully</i>) Have ye + been at a night-club?</p> + + <p><i>David</i>. I were kept late at evenin' class.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>. Brr! (<i>In an ecstasy of fury</i>) See ye + belong to a night-club before the week's out. (<i>He does his + glare again.</i>) I'll establish frivolity and a spirit of + modernism in this household, if I have to take the stick to + every member of it.</p> + + <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>springing up suddenly</i>). Feyther! (<i>A + pause; she collects herself for her big effort.</i>) Feyther, + I'm one o' they dour silent girls to whom expression comes + hardly, but (<i>with veiled menace</i>) when it does come it + means fifteen minutes' unrelieved monologue. So tak' heed. + We're not wanting these changes, and to be up-to-date, and all + that. I'm happy as I am, and so's David. He has his hope of the + council, and the bribes and them things. And I've my guild and + my friends, with their odd clothes and variable accents. That's + the life I want, and I won't change it. I won't—</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>Quite suddenly she breaks from them and rushes out of + the room, slamming the door after her. The others remain + silent, apparently from emotion, but really to see if there + will be any applause. When this is settled in the negative + old</i> Bullyum <i>speaks again.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>slowly and as if with an immense + effort</i>). Why couldn't she wait?... She might have known we + wouldn't decide anything—that we never do decide + anything—because it would be too much like a rounded + climax. Well (<i>rousing himself</i>), let's put out the gas. + [<i>He moves heavily towards the conspicuous bracket.</i></p> + + <p><i>David</i> (<i>protesting)</i>. But, feyther, 'tisn't near + time for bed yet.</p> + + <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>grimly</i>). Maybe; but 'tis more than + time play was finished. And this is how.</p> + + <blockquote> + [<i>He turns the tap. A few moments later the light is + switched off with a faintly audible click, and upon a stage + in total darkness the curtain falls.</i> + </blockquote><span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" + id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/239.png" + alt="Do you smoke much?" /></a> + + <p><i>Officer</i> (<i>anxious to pass his recruit who is + not shooting well</i>). "DO YOU SMOKE MUCH?"</p> + + <p><i>Recruit.</i> "ABOUT A PACKET OF WOODBINES A DAY, + SIR."</p> + + <p><i>Officer.</i> "DO YOU INHALE?" + <i>Recruit.</i> "NOT MORE THAN A PINT A DAY, + SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE WOBBLER.</h3> + + <p>My friend, whom for the purpose of concealing his identity I + will call Wiggles, opened fire upon me on March 1st (coming in + like a lion) with this:</p> + + <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,—I have not been well and my doctor + thinks it might do me good to come to Cornwall for a few weeks. + May I invite myself to stay with you?..."</p> + + <p>I accepted his invitation, if I may put it so, and on March + 6th received the following:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,—I am not, as I think I said, at all + well, and my doctor considers I had better break the journey at + Plymouth, as it is a long way from Malvern to Cornwall. Would + you recommend me some hotels to choose from? I hope to start by + the middle of the month ..."</p> + + <p>I recommended hotels, and on the 12th heard from him + again:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,—I am very obliged to you. In this + severe weather my doctor says that I cannot be too careful, and + I doubt if I shall be able to start for ten days or so. Has + your house a south aspect, and is it far from the sea? I + require air but not wind. And could you tell me ..."</p> + + <p>I told him all right, though as a guest I began to think him + a little <i>exigeant</i>. But he was unwell.</p> + + <p>On the 17th he answered me:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,—I understand you live <i>quite</i> in + the country. Would you tell me whether a doctor lives near to + you and whether you have a chemist within reasonable distance? + My doctor, who really understands my case, won't hear of my + starting until the wind changes: but I hope ..."</p> + + <p>I drew a map showing my house, the nearest chemist's shop, + the doctor's surgery and a few other points of interest, such + as Land's End and the Lizard. This I sent to him, and on the + 22nd he replied:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,—I acknowledge your map with many + thanks. There is one more thing. My doctor insists on a very + special diet. Can your cook make porridge? I rely very largely + on porridge for breakfast and ..."</p> + + <p>I saw myself smiling at Lord DEVONPORT and wired back, "Have + you ever known a cook who couldn't make porridge?"</p> + + <p>And on the 27th he issued his ultimatum:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,—I have consulted my doctor and he + thinks I ought not to tempt Providence by travelling at + present, so I have decided to remain in Malvern. I do hope + ..."</p> + + <p>To this I replied:—</p> + + <p>"DEAR WIGGLES,—Holding as you do the old pagan view of + Providence, you are quite right not to tempt it. The loss is + mine. I hope you will soon be rather less unwell."</p> + + <p>Then I went away for three days without leaving an address, + and when I returned it was to learn that Wiggles had arrived on + the previous evening. And in my study I found him, together + with four wires (two to say he wasn't coming and two to say he + was) and a table loaded with prescriptions.</p> + + <p>He eats enormously.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>INKOMANIA.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Suggested by Mr. SIMONIS' recently + published volume.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Street of Ink, O Street of Ink,</p> + + <p>Where printers and machinsts swink</p> + + <p>Amid the buzz and hum and clink;</p> + + <p>By night one cannot sleep a wink,</p> + + <p>There is no time to stop or think,</p> + + <p>One half forgets to eat or drink,</p> + + <p>One's brains are knotted in a kink,</p> + + <p>One always lives upon the brink</p> + + <p>Of "happenings" that strike one pink.</p> + + <p>One day the dollars gaily chink,</p> + + <p>The next your funds to zero shrink.</p> + + <p>And yet I'm such a perfect ninc-</p> + + <p>Ompoop I cannot break the link</p> + + <p>That binds me to the Street of Ink.</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" + id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/240.png" + alt="It's further along!" /></a> + + <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>to Officer who has only arrived in the + trench by accident</i>). "IF YOU'RE A-LOOKIN' FOR THE + BURIED CABLE, SIR, IT'S FURTHER ALONG."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3> + + <p class="center">VI.</p> + + <p class="center">THE CAT AND THE KING.</p> + + <p>The cat looked at the King.</p> + + <p>She was the boldest cat in the world, but her heart stood + still as she vindicated the immemorial right of her race.</p> + + <p>What would the King say? What would the King do?</p> + + <p>Would he call her up to sit on his royal shoulder? If so, + she would purr her loudest to drown the beating of her heart, + and she would rub her head against the royal ear. How splendid + to be a royal cat!</p> + + <p>Or perhaps he would appoint her Mouser to the King's + Household, and she would keep the King's peace with tooth and + claw.</p> + + <p>Or perhaps she would become playmate to the Royal children, + and live on cream and sleep all day on a silken cushion.</p> + + <p>Or—and this is where her heart ceased to + beat—perhaps she would pay the price of her temerity and + the Hereditary Executioner would smite off her head.</p> + + <p>She had put it boldly to the test, to sink or swim. What + would the King do?</p> + + <p>The King rose slowly from his throne and passed out to his + own apartments, whilst all the Court bowed.</p> + + <p>The King had not noticed the cat.</p> + <hr /> + + <h4>The Ruling Passion.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "A Russian official accredited to this country, in an + interview with a representative of the Morning Post + yesterday, said:—Potatoes."— <i>Evening Times + and Echo</i> (<i>Bristol</i>). + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "I could well enter into the feelings of this lad's colonel + when, with a lint in his eye, he descrihimbed as 'a + riceless youngster.'"—<i>Civil and Military + Gazette</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We fear that the insertion of the bandage in the colonel's + eye must have prevented him from forming a true appreciation of + the young fellow.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Headline to a leading article in <i>The Evening + News</i>:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "WATCH ITALY AND RUSSIA." + </blockquote> + + <p>Extract from same:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "We ought to keep our eyes fixed on the Western front." + </blockquote> + + <p>Correspondents should address their inquiries to Carmelite, + Squinting House Square.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>HERBS OF GRACE.</h3> + + <p class="center">VI.</p> + + <p class="center">ROSEMARY.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whenas on summer days I see</p> + + <p>That sacred herb, the Rosemary,</p> + + <p>The which, since once Our Lady threw</p> + + <p>Upon its flow'rs her robe of blue,</p> + + <p>Has never shown them white again,</p> + + <p class="i4">But still in blue doth dress + them—</p> + + <p class="i8"><i>Then, oh, then</i></p> + + <p><i>I think upon old friends and bless them.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And when beside my winter fire</p> + + <p>I feel its fragrant leaves suspire,</p> + + <p>Hung from my hearth-beam on a hook,</p> + + <p>Or laid within a quiet book</p> + + <p>There to awake dear ghosts of men</p> + + <p class="i4">When pages ope that press them—</p> + + <p class="i8"><i>Then, oh, then</i></p> + + <p><i>I think upon old friends and bless them.</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gentle Rosemary, I wis,</p> + + <p>Is Friendship's herb and Memory's.</p> + + <p>Ah, ye whom this small herb of grace</p> + + <p>Brings back, yet brings not face to face,</p> + + <p>Yea, all who read these lines I pen,</p> + + <p class="i4">Would ye for truth confess them?</p> + + <p class="i8"><i>Then, oh, then</i></p> + + <p><i>Think upon old friends and bless them.</i></p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" + id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/241.png" + alt="Victory First." /></a> + + <h3>VICTORY FIRST.</h3> + + <p>GERMAN SOCIALIST. "I HOLD OUT MY HANDS TO YOU, + COMRADE!"</p> + + <p>RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONARY. "HOLD THEM <i>UP</i>, AND THEN I + MAY TALK TO YOU."</p> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" + id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/242.png" + alt="The United States of Great Britain and America." /> + </a> + + <p class="center">THE UNITED STATES OF GREAT BRITAIN AND + AMERICA.</p> + + <p><i>John Bull</i> (<i>to President Wilson</i>). "BRAVO, + SIR! DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU ON OUR SIDE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, April 2nd</i>.—The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS + informed the House that, owing to the demand for explosives, + there is a shortage of acid for artificial fertilisers. It is + rumoured that Mr. SNOWDEN, Mr. OUTHWAITE and Mr. PRINGLE, + feeling that it is up to them to do something useful for their + country, have placed at Dr. ADDISON'S disposal a selection from + the speeches delivered by them during the War, containing an + abundant supply of the necessary commodity.</p> + + <p>Mr. JOSEPH MARTIN has all the migratory instincts of his + well-known family, and flits from East St. Pancras to British + Columbia and back again with engaging irregularity. On his rare + visits to Westminster he is always ready to impart in a + somewhat strident voice (another family characteristic) the + political wisdom that he has garnered from the New World and + the Old. But somehow the House fails to take him at his own + valuation, and when he tried to belittle the Imperial + Conference, on the ground that the Dominion Premier and his + colleagues would be much better employed at home, I think there + was a general feeling that the physician would be none the + worse for a dose of his own prescription.</p> + + <p>Cheers greeted little Mr. STEPHEN WALSH as he stepped to the + Table to give his first answer as Parliamentary Secretary to + the Ministry of National Service. There were more cheers (in + which, had etiquette permitted, the Press Gallery would have + liked to join) when it was found that the new Minister needed + no megaphone, every word being audible all over the House. And + when finally he gave Mr. PRINGLE a much-needed corrective, by + telling him that if he wanted further information he must put a + Question down, the House cheered again. So far as a single + incident enables one to judge, another representative of Labour + has "made good."</p> + + <p>Viscount VALENTIA has gone to the Lords, and the Commons + will henceforth miss the elegant and well-groomed figure which + lent distinction to a Treasury Bench not in these days too + careful of the Graces. Happily Oxford City has found another + distinguished man to succeed him. Mr. J.A.R. MARRIOTT may + indeed be said to have obtained a Parliamentary reputation even + before, strictly speaking, he was a Member. Usually the taking + of the oath is a private affair between the neophyte and the + Clerk, and the House hears nothing more than a confused murmur + before the ceremony is concluded by the new Member kissing the + Book or—more often in these days—adopting the + Scottish fashion of holding up the right hand. Oxford's elect + would have none of this. Like the Highland chieftain, "she just + stude in the middle of ta fluir and swoor at lairge." Not since + Mr. BRADLAUGH insisted upon administering the oath to himself + has the House been so much stirred; even Members loitering in + the Lobby could almost have heard the ringing tones in which + Mr. MARRIOTT proclaimed his allegiance to our Sovereign Lord, + KING GEORGE THE FIFTH.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, April 3rd</i>.—Mr. KING really displays a + good deal of ingenuity in his endeavours to get men out of the + Army. His latest notion is that all Commanding Officers at home + should be ordered to give leave to those men who have gardens + so that they may return to cultivate them. There would, no + doubt, be a remarkable development of horticultural enthusiasm + among our home forces if the War Office were to smile upon the + idea; but, though fully alive to the value of food-production, + the UNDER-SECRETARY was unable to assent to this wide extension + of "agricultural furlough."</p> + + <p>A request by the Press Bureau that newspapers would submit + for its approval any articles dealing with disputes in the + coal-trade gave umbrage to several Members, who saw in it an + attempt by the Government to fetter public criticism. Mr. BRACE + mildly explained that the object was only to prevent the + appearance of inaccurate statements likely to cause friction in + an inflammable trade. When Mr. KING still protested, Mr. BRACE + again showed that his velvet paw conceals a very serviceable + weapon. "Surely the Honourable Member does not believe that + inaccurate statements can ever be helpful." Then there was + silence.</p> + + <p>Mr. BONAR LAW stoutly denied that the National Service + scheme was a failure, but admitted that the Cabinet was looking + into it with a view to its improvement. Up to the present some + 220,000 men have volunteered, but as about half of these are + already engaged on work of national importance Mr. NEVILLE + CHAMBERLAIN is still a long way short of his hoped-for + half-a-million <span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" + id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> ready, like the British + Army, to go anywhere and do anything.</p> + + <p>A telegram from the British Ambassador at Washington, + stating that President WILSON'S War-speech had been very well + received, and that Congress was expected to take his advice, + gave great satisfaction. As the MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE + observed, "The outlook for early potatoes may be doubtful, but + our SPRING-RICE promises excellently."</p> + + <p>Mr. PROTHERO has made up his alleged differences with the + SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, and signalized the treaty of peace + first by snuggling up to Mr. MACPHERSON on the Treasury Bench, + and next by handsomely supporting the new Military Service + Bill. In return the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR introduced a + much-needed amendment by which men wholly engaged on + food-production may be exempted by the Board of Agriculture + from the process of "re-combing" now to be applied to the rest + of the population.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, April 4th.</i>—Mr. SNOWDEN disapproves + of the selection of the two Labour Members who are to form part + of a deputation about to proceed to Petrograd to convey to the + Russian Government the congratulations of the British people. + Possibly the neckties of the proposed envoys are not of a + sufficiently sanguinary shade, or their brows are not lofty + enough to proclaim them true "leaders of thought." The + suggestion that the Member for Blackburn should himself be + despatched to Petrograd (without a return ticket) has been + regretfully abandoned.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/243.png" + alt="COOM AWA' UP HERE, DONAL'!" /></a> + + <p class="center"><i>Jock (in captured trench)</i>. "COOM + AWA' UP HERE, DONAL'; IT'S DRIER."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Prepared for the Worst.</h4> + + <p>Extract from a Canadian lease-form:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Will during the said term keep and at its expiration leave + the premises in good repair (reasonable wear and tear and + accidents by fire or tempest expected)." + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Gentleman single letterarian sportsman 5 linguages tennant + pretty little cottage charmingly situated between Montreux + Vevey, complete sanitary accommodations vicinity boat, + seabaths, golf-grounds excursions receives<br /> + + PAYING GUEST<br /> + moderate terms, Prussians and Austro-Germans, alcoholists + undesired."—<i>Swiss Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We do not quite know what a single letterarian is, but he + seems to be a person of discriminating taste.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="center">"AVIARIES, POULTRY AND PETS.</p> + + <blockquote> + Lady ——'s Teeth Society, Ltd.—Gas 2s., + teeth at hospital prices, weekly if + desired."—<i>Daily Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We are not told under which category Lady ——'s + dentures come, but venture to point out that in these days no + one should make a pet of them.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>MAXIMS OF THE MONTHS.</h3> + + <p class="center">(<i>Composed during the recent Spring + snowstorm.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>From January's start to close</p> + + <p>It rains or hails or sleets or snows.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For atmospherical vagaries</p> + + <p>The palm perhaps is February's.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To say March exits like a lamb</p> + + <p>Is Falsehood's very grandest slam.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>April may smile in Patagonia,</p> + + <p>But here it always breeds pneumonia.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>May, alternating sun and blizzard,</p> + + <p>Plays havoc with the stoutest gizzard.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No part of England is immune</p> + + <p>From frost and thunder-storms in June.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Only the suicide lays by</p> + + <p>His thickest hose throughout July.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>August, in spite of dog-days' heat,</p> + + <p>For floods is very hard to beat.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The equinoctial gales, remember,</p> + + <p>Are at their worst in mid-September.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Old folk, however hale and sober,</p> + + <p>Die very freely in October.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>November with its clammy fogs</p> + + <p>The bronchial region chokes and clogs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>December, with its dearth of sun,</p> + + <p>For sheer discomfort takes the bun.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" + id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span> + + <h2>THE ITALIAN IN ENGLAND.</h2> + + <p>In the course of a recent search for Italian conversation + manuals I came upon one which put so strangely novel a + complexion on our own tongue that, though it was not quite what + I was seeking, I bought it. To see ourselves as others see us + may be a difficult operation, but to hear ourselves as others + hear us is by this little book made quite easy. Everyone knows + the old story of the Italian who entered an East-bound omnibus + in the Strand and asked to be put down at Kay-ahp-see-day. + Well, this book should prevent him from doing it again.</p> + + <p>But its great attraction is the courageous personality of + the protagonist as revealed by his various remarks. For + example, most of us who are not linguists confine our + conversations in foreign places to the necessities of life, + rarely leaving the beaten track of bread and butter, knives and + forks, the times of trains, cab fares, the way to the station, + the way to the post-office, hotel prices and washing lists. And + even then we disdain or flee from syntax. But this + conversationalist embroiders and dilates. He is intrepid. He + has no reluctances. Where we in Italy would, at the most, say + to the <i>cameriere</i>, "<i>Portaci una tazza di + caffè</i>," and think ourselves lucky to get it, he + lures the London waiter to invite a disquistion on the precious + berry. Thus, he begins: "<i>Còffi is + r</i><b>i</b>-<i>marchêbl fòr i</i><b>z</b> + <i>vèr</i><b>e</b> <i>stim-iùlêtin + pròpè</i><b>r</b><i>t</i><b>ê</b>. <i>Du ju + nô hau it uòs + discòvva</i><b>r</b><i>d?</i>" The waiter very promptly + and properly saying, "<i>Nô, Sôr</i>," the Italian + unloads as follows: "<i>Uèl, ai uil tèl ju + thèt i</i><b>z</b> <i>discòvvarê is + sêd tu hèv bin òchêsciònt bai + thi fòllôin sôrcòmstan</i><b>z</b>. + <i>Som gôt</i><b>s</b>, <i>hu brau</i><b>s</b>-<i>t + òp-òn thi plènt fròm huicc thi + còffi sîds a</i><b>r</b> + <i>gàtha</i><b>r</b><i>d, uea</i><b>r</b> + <i>òbsèrv</i>-<b>d</b> <i>bai thi + gôtha</i><b>r</b><i>ds tu bi + èchsîdingl</i><b>e</b> <i>uêchful, + ènd òfn tu chêpa</i><b>r</b> + <i>èbaut in thi nait; thi pràio</i><b>r</b> + <b>ô</b><i>v ê nêb</i><b>a</b><i>rin + mònnast</i><b>e</b><i>r</i><b>e</b>, <i>uiscin tu chip + his mònchs êuêch èt + thèa</i><b>r</b> <i>mat-tins, traid if thi côffi + ud prôdiù<b>s</b> thi sêm + èffècht òp-òn thèm, + ès it uòs òbsèrv</i>-<b>d</b> <i>tu + du òp-òn thi gôt</i><b>s</b>; <i>thi + sòch-sès òv his + èchspèrimènt lèd tu thi + apprèsciêsciòn òv i</i><b>z</b> + <i>valliù.</i>"</p> + + <p>A little later a London bookseller has the temerity to place + some of the latest fiction before our chatty alien, but pays + dearly for his rash act. In these words did the Italian let him + have it:—"<i>Ai du nòt laich nòv-èls + èt òl, bicô</i>-<b>s</b> <i>ê + nòv-èl is bàt ê fichtisciòs + têl stof</i>-<b>t</b> <i>òv sô + mèn</i><b>e</b> <i>fantastical dîds ènd + nònsènsical wòr</i><b>d</b><i>s, huicc + òpsèt maind ènd hà</i><b>r</b><i>t. + An-hêppe thô</i>-<b>s</b> + <i>an-uêr</i><b>e</b> <i>jòngh + pèrsòns, hu spènd thèa</i><b>r</b> + <i>prê-sciòs taim in ridin nòv-èls! + Thê du nòt nô thèt + nòv-èllists, gènnèrall</i><b>e</b> + <i>spichin, a</i><b>r</b> <i>thi laitèst ènd thi + môst huim-sical raitta</i><b>r</b><i>s, hu hèv + uêstèd ènd uêst + thèa</i><b>r</b> <i>laif in + liùdnès.</i>"</p> + + <p>English people abroad do not, as a rule, drop aphorisms by + the way; but our Italian loves to do so. Thus, to one stranger + (in the section devoted to Virtues and Vices), he remarks, + "<i>Uith-aut Riligiòn ui sciùd bi + uòr</i><b>s</b> <i>thèn bîsts.</i>" To + another, "<i>Thi igotist spîchs + còntinniùall</i><b>e</b> <i>òv himself + ènd mêchs himsèlf thi + sènta</i><b>r</b> <i>òv + èvvèr</i><b>e</b> <i>thingh.</i>" And to a third, + a little tactlessly perhaps, "<i>Impólait-nès is + disgòstin.</i>" He is sententious even to his hatter: + "<i>Ê hèt sciùd bi + prôpôrsciòn</i><b>d</b> <i>tu thi hèd + ènd pèrsòn, fòr it is + lâf-èbl tu sî ê la</i><b>r</b><i>gg + hèt òp-òn ê smòl hèd, + ènd ê smòl hèt òp-òn + ê la</i><b>r</b><i>gg hèd.</i>" But sometimes he + goes all astray. He is, for instance, desperately ill-informed + as to English law. In England, he tells us, and believes the + pathetic fallacy, "<i>thi trêns stàrt ènd + arraiv vèr</i><b>e</b> + <i>pòngh-ciù</i><b>a</b><i>ll</i><b>e</b>, + <i>òtha</i><b>r</b>-<i>uais + passèn-già</i><b>r</b><i>s hu arraiv-lêt + fòr thèa</i><b>r</b> <i>bis-nès cud + siù thi Comp</i><b>a</b><i>n</i><b>e</b> <i>fôr + dèm-êgg</i>-<b>s</b>."</p> + + <p>He is calm and collected in an emergency. Thus, to a lady + who has burst into flames, "<i>Bi not êfrêd, + Madam</i>," he says, "<i>thi fai</i><b>r</b> <i>hès + còt jur gaun. Lé daun òp-òn thi + flò</i><b>r</b>, <i>ènd ju uil put aut thi + fai</i><b>r</b> <i>uith jur hènd</i><b>s</b>." His + presence of mind saves him from using his own hands for the + purpose. Resourcefulness is indeed as natural to him as to Sir + CHRISTOPHER WREN in the famous poem. "<i>Uilliam,</i>" he says + to his man, "<i>if + èn</i><b>e</b><i>bòd</i><b>e</b> <i>asch-s + fòr mi, ju uil sê thèt ai scèl bi + bèch in ê fòrt-nait.</i>"</p> + + <p>He meets Miss Butterfield.</p> + + <p>"<i>Mis Bòtta</i><b>r</b><i>fild</i>," he says, + "<i>uil ju ghiv mi ê glàs òv + uòta</i><b>r</b>, <i>if ju + plî</i><b>s</b><i>?</i>" And that is the end of the lady. + Or I think so. But there is just a possibility that it is she + (no longer Miss Butterfield, but now a Signora) whom he rebukes + in a coffee-house: "<i>Mai dia</i><b>r</b>, <i>du nòt + spích òv pòllitichs in ê + Còffi-Haus, fòr nò + travv</i><b>e</b><i>lla</i><b>r</b>, <i>if + priùdènt, èvva</i><b>r</b> <i>tòchs + èbaut pòllitichs in pòblich.</i>" And + again it may be for Miss Butterfield that he orders a charming + present (first saying it is for a lady): "<i>Ghiv mi + thèt ripitta</i><b>r</b> <i>sèt uith + rubès, thèt straich</i>-<b>s</b> <i>thi + aur</i><b>s</b> <i>ènd thi + hâf-aur</i><b>s</b>."</p> + + <p>Finally he embarks for Australia and quickly becomes as + human as the rest of us. "<i>Thi uind,</i>" he murmurs + uneasily, "<i>is raisin. Thi si is vèr</i><b>e</b> + <i>ròf. Thi mô-sciòn òv thi + Stim-bôt mêch</i>-<b>s</b> <i>mi an-uèl. Ai + fîl vèr</i><b>e</b> <i>sich. Mai hèd is + di</i><b>zze</b>. <i>Ai hèv gòt ê + hèd-êch.</i>" But he assures a fellow-passenger + that there is no cause for fear, even if a storm should come + on. "<i>Du nòt bi + àla</i><b>r</b><i>m</i><b>d</b>," he says; + "<i>thèa</i><b>r</b> <i>is nô + dêngg-a</i><b>r</b>. <i>Thi Chèp-tèn + òv this Stima</i>-<b>r</b> <i>is è + vèr</i><b>e</b> <i>clèva</i><b>r</b> + <i>mèn."</i></p> + + <p>His last words, addressed apparently to the rest of the + passengers as they reach Adelaide, are these: "<i>Lèt + òs mêch hêst ènd gô tu thi + Còstòm-Hau</i><b>s</b> <i>tu hèv aur + lògh-êgg</i><b>s</b> <i>èch-samint. In + Òstrêl</i><b>i</b><i>a, thi + Còstòm-Hau</i><b>s</b> + <i>Òff</i><b>i</b><i>sa</i><b>r</b><i>s a</i><b>r</b> + <i>nòt hòtt</i><b>e</b>, <i>bàt + vèr</i><b>e</b> <i>pôlait.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/244.png" + alt="A nood wurzel in war-time." /></a> + + <p>"I AIN'T ENOUGH PAPER TO WROP HIM UP, MISTER; BUT NO + ONE'LL NOTICE A NOOD WURZEL IN WAR-TIME."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>EMERGENCY RATIONS.</h2> + + <p>In our village many disruptions have been wrought by the + War, but nothing has ever approached the state of turveydom + which came in with the system of daily rations.</p> + + <p>Margery brought home the first news of the revolution.</p> + + <p>"Most extraordinary thing," she said. "The Joneses have got + the two old Miss Singleweeds staying with them."</p> + + <p>"What!" I exclaimed, swallowing my ration of mammalia in one + astonished gulp. "Why, only two or three days ago Jones told me + very privately that the Singleweeds were two of the most + interfering, bigoted, cabbage-eating + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" + id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> old cats that he had ever + come across."</p> + + <p>"Cabbage-eating!" repeated Margery thoughtfully. "How stupid + we are. That's it, of course."</p> + + <p>"What's it?"</p> + + <p>"Why, cabbage-eating. The Singleweeds haven't touched meat + since I don't know when, so for a consideration of + brussels-sprouts and a few digestive biscuits the Joneses will + have five pounds of genuine beef to play with."</p> + + <p>"Hogs!" I said.</p> + + <p>The hospitable influence of the new scheme of rationing + spread very rapidly. A few days later we heard that Sir Meesly + Goormay, the most self-indulgent and incorrigible egotist in + the neighbourhood, had introduced a collection of octogenarian + aunts to his household, and, when I was performing my afternoon + beat, I was just in time to see the butcher's boy, assisted by + the gardener, delivering what looked to be a baron of beef at + Sir Meesly's back door. It was an enervating and disgusting + spectacle, well calculated to upset the <i>moral</i> of the + steadiest special in the local force.</p> + + <p>That night at dinner I had a Machiavellian thought.</p> + + <p>"Look here," I said, stabbing at a plate of <i>petit + pois</i> (1911) and mis-cueing badly, "what about having Uncle + Tom to stay for a few weeks?"</p> + + <p>"Last time he came," replied Margery, "you said that nothing + would induce you to ask him again. You haven't forgotten his + chronic dyspepsia, have you?"</p> + + <p>"Of course not," I retorted, looking a little pained at such + flagrant gaucherie; "but you can't cast off a respectable blood + relation because he happens to live on charcoal and hot + water."</p> + + <p>I delivered an irritable attack on a lentil pudding.</p> + + <p>"Right-O," agreed Marjory. "And I'll ask Joan as well. She + won't be able to come until Friday, because she's having some + teeth extracted on Thursday."</p> + + <p>After all Marjory is not altogether without perception.</p> + + <p>Dinner over I wrote, in my best style, a short spontaneous + invitation to Uncle Tom. Margery wrote a more discursive one to + Joan.</p> + + <p>"I think we ought to celebrate this," I suggested. "Let's be + extravagant."</p> + + <p>"All right," said Margery. "What shall it be, champagne or + potatoes?"</p> + + <p>Two days later I received the following:—</p> + + <p>"MY DEAR JAMES,—Thank you very much for your + invitation, which I am very pleased to accept. The country, + after all, is the proper place for old fogeys like myself, as + it is very difficult for them to live up to the present-day + bustle of a large city. For the last six months I have been + doing odd jobs at a munition factory, which, I must admit, has + benefited my health in an extraordinary manner, so much so that + I have entirely lost the troublesome dyspepsia I suffered from, + and now, you will be glad to hear, I am able to eat like a + hunter, as we used to say. Hoping to find you all flourishing + on Thursday next, about lunch-time,</p> + + <p class="center">"Your affectionate<br /> + UNCLE TOM."</p> + + <p>Instinctively I took my belt in a hole. Then Margery + silently placed this in front of me:—</p> + + <p>"DARLING MARGERY,—How perfectly sweet of you! I shall + simply love it. I am feeling especially beany as I have just + finished with the dentist—usually a hateful + person—who found out, after all, that it was not + necessary to take out any of my teeth. I adore him. No time for + more. Heaps to tell you on Friday,</p> + + <p class="center">"Your loving<br /> + J.J."</p> + + <p>"Hullo! Where are you off to?" I asked, as Margery made for + the door.</p> + + <p>"Off to? Why, to put our names down on the Singleweeds' + waiting list."</p> + + <p>I took my belt up another hole and, whistling <i>The Bing + Boys</i> out of sheer desperate bravado, made my gloomy way to + the potato patch.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/245.png" + alt="Ask the farmer if we can have a smaller horse." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Plough Girl</i>. "MABEL, DO GO AND ASK THE FARMER IF + WE CAN HAVE A SMALLER HORSE. THIS ONE'S TOO TALL FOR THE + SHAFTS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>A Master of the Quill.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "Of Swinburne's personal characteristics Mr. Goose, as was + to be expected, writes admirably."—<i>Daily News and + Leader</i>. + </blockquote><span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" + id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> + <hr /> + + <h2>GERMAN MEASLES.</h2> + + <p>"Francesca," I said, "you must admit that at last I have you + at a disadvantage."</p> + + <p>"I admit nothing of the sort."</p> + + <p>"Well," I said, "have you or have you not got German + measles? It seems almost an insult to put such a question to a + woman of your energy and brilliant intellectual capacity, but + you force me to it."</p> + + <p>"Dr. Manley—"</p> + + <p>"Come, come, don't fob it off on the Doctor. He didn't + wilfully provide you with an absurd attack of this childish + disease."</p> + + <p>"No, he didn't; but when I was getting along quite nicely + with the idea that I was suffering from a passing headache he + butted in and sent me to bed as a German measler—and now + we've all got it."</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said, "you've all got it, all my little chickens + and their dam—you're the dam, remember that, + Francesca—Muriel's got it, Nina's got it, Alice has got + it and Frederick has got it very slightly, but he insists on + having all the privileges of the worst kind of invalid; and + you've got it, Francesca, and I'm left scatheless in a position + of unlimited power and no responsibility."</p> + + <p>"Yes," she said, "it's terrible, but you will use your + strength mercifully."</p> + + <p>"I'm not at all sure about that. At first I felt like one of + those old prisoner Johnnies—Baron TRENCK, you know, or + LATUDE—who were all shaky and mild when they were at last + released; but now I've had time to think—yes, I've had + time to think."</p> + + <p>"And what is the result of your thoughts?"</p> + + <p>"The result," I said, "is that I'm determined to do things + thoroughly. I've mastered all your jealously-guarded secrets + and I've allowed the strong wind of a man's intellect to blow + through them. I am facing the cook on a new system and am + dealing with the tradesmen in a spirit of inexorable + resolution. The housemaid is being brought to heel and has + already begun not to leave her brushes and dust-pans lying + about on the floors of the library and the drawing-room. Stern + measures are being taken with the kitchen-maid; and Parkins, + that ancient servitor, is slowly being reduced to obedience. + Even the garden is feeling the new influence and potatoes are + being planted where no potatoes were ever planted before. + Everything, in fact, is being reformed."</p> + + <p>"I warn you," said Francesca, "that your reforms will not be + allowed to go on. As soon as I can get rid of the German + measles I shall restore everything to its former + condition."</p> + + <p>"But that," I said, "is the counter-revolution."</p> + + <p>"It is; and it's going to begin as soon as I get out of + bed."</p> + + <p>"And what are you going to bring out of bed with you?"</p> + + <p>"Common sense," said Francesca.</p> + + <p>"Not at all," I said. "You're going to bring out of bed with + you that hard reactionary bureaucratic spirit which all but + ruined Russia and is in process of ruining Germany. It will be + just as if the TSARITSA got loose and began to have her own way + again. By the way, Francesca, what does one do when the butcher + says there won't be any haunch of mutton till Tuesday, or when + the grocer refuses you your due amount of sugar?"</p> + + <p>"A TSARITSA," said Francesca haughtily, "cannot concern + herself with sugar or haunches of mutton."</p> + + <p>"But suppose that the TSARITSA has got German measles. + Couldn't she manage to beat up an interest in mundane + affairs?"</p> + + <p>"I'll tell you what," said Francesca.</p> + + <p>"Do," I said; "I'm dying to hear it."</p> + + <p>"Well, you'd better let the strong wind of a man's intellect + blow through them."</p> + + <p>"What," I said—"through the haunch of mutton?"</p> + + <p>"Yes, you could do without the haunch, you know, and score + off the butcher."</p> + + <p>"That's a sound idea. You're not so badly measled as I + thought you were."</p> + + <p>"Oh," she said, "I shall soon be rid of them + altogether."</p> + + <p>"To tell you the truth, I wish you'd hurry up."</p> + + <p>"Long live the counter-revolution!"</p> + + <p>"Oh, as long as you like," I said.</p> + + <p>"Have you given the children their medicine and taken their + temperatures?"</p> + + <p>"I'm just off to do it," I said.</p> + + <p class="center">R.C.L.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/246.png" + alt="The Regimental coat-of-arms come to life." /></a> + + + <p>SCENE: <i>A lonely road somewhere in France.</i></p> + + <p><i>Diminutive Warrior</i> (<i>suddenly confronted with + ferocious specimen of the local fauna</i>). "LUMME! IF IT + AIN'T THE REGIMENTAL COAT-OF-ARMS COME TO LIFE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The Wady Ghuzzeh, or river of Gaza, a stream-bed which + makes no large assertion on the map. But it 'just divides + the desert from the sewn.'"—<i>Sunday Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Being, as you might say, a mere thread.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Extracts from an article entitled "London Sights: An + Australian's Impressions":—</p> + + <blockquote> + "When all is over and we are back where the coyote cries + ... when the Rockies are looking down at us from their + snowy heights, and the night-time silence steals across the + fir-bordered foothills...."—<i>Sunday Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Yet what is all this to the longing of the Canadian for the + nightly howl of the kangaroo and the song of the wombat + flitting among the blue-gums in his native bush?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a French philosopher mankind is divided into + two categories, <i>Les Huns et les autres</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="right">"Sydney, January 2.</p> + + <blockquote> + Concurrently with the inauguration of the new time schedule + at 2 a.m. on Monday a violent earth tremor was experienced + at Orange. An accompanying noise lasted about a half + minute."—<i>Brisbane Courier</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Another family quarrel between + Κρονος and + Γη.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p class="right">"Petrograd, Wednesday,</p> + + <blockquote> + The Council of Workmen's Delegates has issued an appeal to + the proletariat, which contains the following striking + passage: We shall defend our liberty to the utmost against + all attacks within and without. The Russian revolution will + not quail before the bayca fwyaa, + mfwyawayqawyqa."—<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>If that won't frighten it nothing + will.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" + id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/247.png" + alt="You wouldn't think it to look at 'im." /></a> + + <p>"YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT TO LOOK AT 'IM, BUT WHEN I SAYS + ''ANDS UP,' 'E ANSWERS BACK IN PUFFICK ENGLISH, 'STEADY ON + WITH YER BLINKIN' TOOTHPICK,' 'E SEZ, 'AND I'LL COME + QUIET.'"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p>I am wondering whether, among the myriad by-products of the + War, there should be numbered a certain note of virility + hitherto (if he will forgive me for saying so) foreign to the + literary style of Mr. E. TEMPLE THURSTON. Because I have + certainly found <i>Enchantment</i> (UNWIN) a far more vigorous + and less saccharine affair than previous experience had led me + to expect from him. For which reason I find it far and away my + favourite of the stories by this author that I have so far + encountered. I certainly think (for example) that not one of + his Cities of Beautiful Barley-Sugar contains any figures so + alive as those of <i>John Desmond</i>, the hard-drinking Irish + squireen, and <i>Mrs. Slattery</i>, his adoring housekeeper. + There is red blood in both, and not less in <i>Charles + Stuart</i>, a hero whose earlier adventures with smugglers, + secret passages and the like have an almost STEVENSONIAN + vigour. All the life of impoverished Waterpark, with its + wonderful drawing-room full of precarious furniture, is + excellently drawn. I willingly allow Mr. THURSTON so much of + his earlier manner as is implied in the (quite pleasant) + conceit of the fairy-tale. The point is that the real tale here + is neither of fairies nor of sugar dolls, but of genuine human + beings, vastly entertaining to read about and quite + convincingly credible. I can only entreat the author to + continue this rationing of sentiment for our mutual + benefit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When a book rejoices in such a title as <i>The Amazing + Years</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) and begins with a prosperous + English family contemplating their summer holiday in August + 1914, you may be tolerably certain beforehand of its + subject-matter. When, moreover, the name on the title-page is + that of Mr. W. PETT RIDGE, you may with equal security + anticipate that, whatever troubles befall this English family + by the way, they will eventually reach a happy ending, and find + all for the best in the best of all genially humorous worlds. + As indeed it proves. But of course the <i>Hilliers</i> were + exceptionally fortunate in the fact that when the crash came + they had one of those quite invaluable super-domestics whom Mr. + PETT RIDGE delights in to steer them back to prosperity. The + story tells us how the KAISER compelled the <i>Hilliers</i> to + leave "The Croft," and how that very capable woman, <i>Miss + Weston</i>, restored it to them again, chiefly by the aid of + her antique shop; and to anyone who has recently been a + customer in such an establishment this result fully explains + itself. I need not further enlarge upon the theme of the book. + Your previous knowledge of Mr. PETT RIDGE'S method will enable + you to imagine how the various members of the <i>Hillier</i> + household confront the changes brought by The Amazing Years; + but this will not make you less anxious to read it for yourself + in the author's own inimitable telling. I won't call this his + best novel; now and again, indeed, there seemed rather too much + padding for so slender a plot; but, take it for all in all, and + bearing in mind the strange fact that we all love to read about + events with which we are already familiar, I can at least + promise you a cheery and optimistic entertainment.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Jan Ross</i>, grey-haired at twenty-seven, but sweet of + face and of a most taking way, found herself unexpectedly + confronted, a year or two ago, with a "job." It was eventually + to include the looking after a certain <i>Peter</i>, of the + Indian Civil Service, a thoroughly good sort, who by now is + making <span class="pagenum"><a name="page248" + id="page248"></a>[pg 248]</span> her as happy as she + deserves; but in the first place it meant the care of a + little motherless niece and nephew and their protection from + a scoundrelly father. How successfully she has been doing it + and what charmingly human babies are her charges, + <i>Tony</i> and <i>Fay</i>, you will realise when I say that + it is Mrs. L. ALLEN HARKER who has been telling me all about + <i>Jan and Her Job</i> (MURRAY). You will understand, too, + how pleasantly peaceful, how utterly removed from the + artificially forced crispness of the special correspondent, + is the telling of the story; but you must read it yourself + to learn how simply and naturally the writer has used the + coming of the War for her last chapter, and above all to get + to know not only <i>Jan</i> herself but also that most loyal + of comrades, her pal <i>Meg</i>. <i>Meg</i>, indeed, is + almost as much in the middle of the stage as the friend + whose nursemaid she has elected to become; and as the + completion of her own private happiness has to remain in + doubt until the coming of peace, since Mrs. HARKER has + resolutely refused to guarantee the survival of the + soldier-sweetheart, you must join me in wishing him the best + of good fortune. He is still rubbing it into the Bosches. + Perhaps some day the author will be able to reassure us.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>When I have said that <i>Twentieth-Century France</i> + (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is rather over-weighted by its title my + grumble is made. To deal adequately with twentieth-century + France in a volume of little more than two hundred + amply-margined pages is beyond the powers of Miss M. + BETHAM-EDWARDS or of any other writer. But, under any title, + whatever she writes about France must be worth reading, and + to-day of all times the French need to be explained to us + almost as much as we need to be explained to them. Miss + BETHAM-EDWARDS can be trusted to do this good work with + admirable sympathy and discretion. Here she writes intimately + of many people whose names are already household words in + France. The more books we have of the kind the better. + VOLTAIRE, we are reminded, once said that "when a Frenchman and + an Englishman agree upon any subject we may be quite sure they + have reason on their side." Well, they are agreeing at present + upon a certain subject with what the Huns must regard as + considerable unanimity. If in the last century there was any + misunderstanding between us and our neighbours it is now in a + fair way to be removed to the back of beyond; and in this + removal Miss EDWARDS has lent a very helping hand.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>What chiefly impressed me about <i>Marshdikes</i> (UNWIN) + was what I can only call the blazing indiscretion of the chief + characters. To begin with, you have a happily married young + couple asking a nice man down for the week-end to meet a girl, + and as good as telling him that the party has been arranged, as + the advertisements put it, with a view to matrimony. Passing + from this, we find a doctor (surely unique) blurting out to a + fellow-guest at dinner that a mutual friend had consulted him + for heart trouble. To crown all, when the match arranged by the + young couple has got as far as an engagement, the wife must + needs go and tell the girl that the whole affair was + manœuvred by herself. Which naturally upset that + apple-cart. It had also the effect of making me a somewhat + impatient spectator of the subsequent developments, mainly + political, of the plot. I smiled, though, when the hero was + worsted in his by-election. After all, with a set of supporters + so destitute of elementary tact.... But, of course, I know + quite well what is my real grievance. Miss HELEN ASHTON began + her story with a chapter so full of sparkle that I am peevish + at being disappointed of the comedy that this promised. Perhaps + next time she will take the hint, and give us an entire novel + in the key which, I am sure, suits her best.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>A Little World Apart</i> (LANE) is one of those gentle + stories that please as much by reminding you of others like + them as by any qualities of their own. Indeed you might call + it, with no disparagement intended, a fragrant pot-pourri of + many rustic romances—<i>Our Village</i>, for example, and + more than a touch of <i>Cranford</i>. Your literary memory may + also suggest to you another scene in fiction almost startlingly + like the one here, in which the gently-born lover (named + <i>Arthur</i>) of the village beauty is forced to combat by her + rustic suitor. Fortunately, however, Mr. GEORGE STEVENSON has + no tragedy like that of <i>Hetty</i> in store for his + <i>Rose</i>. His picture of rural life is more mellow than + melodramatic; and his tale reaches a happy end, unchequered by + anything more sensational than a mild outbreak of scandal from + the local wag-tongues. There are many pleasant, if rather + familiar, characters; though I own to a certain sense of + repletion arising from the elderly and domineering dowagers of + fiction, of whom <i>Lady Crane</i> may be regarded as embodying + the common form. <i>A Little World Apart</i>, in short, is no + very sensational discovery, but good enough as a quiet corner + for repose.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/248.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/248.png" + alt="A model for the Huns in Belgium." /></a> A MODEL + FOR THE HUNS IN BELGIUM. + + <p>NERO MAKES HIMSELF POPULAR ON A FLAG-DAY IN AID OF + HOMELESS ROMANS REDUCED TO DESTITUTION BY THE GREAT + FIRE.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>A VISION OF BLIGHTY.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I do not ask, when back on Blighty's shore</p> + + <p class="i2">My frozen frame in liberty shall + rest,</p> + + <p>For pleasure to beguile the hours in store</p> + + <p class="i2">With long-drawn revel or with antique + jest.</p> + + <p>I do not ask to probe the tedious pomp</p> + + <p class="i2">And tinsel splendour of the last + Revue;</p> + + <p>The Fox-trot's mysteries, the giddy Romp,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all such folly I would fain + eschew.</p> + + <p>But, propt on cushions of my long desire,</p> + + <p class="i2">Deep-buried in the vastest of + armchairs,</p> + + <p>Let me recline what time the roaring fire</p> + + <p class="i2">Consumes itself and all my former + cares.</p> + + <p>I shall not think nor speak, nor laugh nor weep,</p> + + <p>But simply sit and sleep and sleep and sleep.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Wanted, Ladyhelp or General, for country, no bread or + butter.—Apply 'Gay,' 'Dominion' Office."—<i>The + Dominion</i> (<i>Wellington, N.Z.</i>). + </blockquote> + + <p>We congratulate the advertiser on her cheery optimism.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14769 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14769-h/images/233.png b/14769-h/images/233.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e64218c --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/233.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/235.png b/14769-h/images/235.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dee3fe5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/235.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/236.png b/14769-h/images/236.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cfa708b --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/236.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/237.png b/14769-h/images/237.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2597aa3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/237.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/239.png b/14769-h/images/239.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7efe837 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/239.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/240.png b/14769-h/images/240.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b18c0a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/240.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/241.png b/14769-h/images/241.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe1a4e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/241.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/242.png b/14769-h/images/242.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e1ecf5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/242.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/243.png b/14769-h/images/243.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2c4e9e --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/243.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/244.png b/14769-h/images/244.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ab2fbe --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/244.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/245.png b/14769-h/images/245.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7746c29 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/245.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/246.png b/14769-h/images/246.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2ebe1e --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/246.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/247.png b/14769-h/images/247.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3251bd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/247.png diff --git a/14769-h/images/248.png b/14769-h/images/248.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..98d0996 --- /dev/null +++ b/14769-h/images/248.png |
