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diff --git a/old/14767.txt b/old/14767.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..59b449d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14767.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2006 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, +February 21st, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 21st, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14767] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith +Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +February 21st, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the way in which +certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, and he decided to read +them a lesson they would not soon forget. So he left America. + + *** + +Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only two shots were +fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last week. + + *** + +The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in the despatches +from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. Bronchial subjects who have +been confining themselves to black currant lozenges on patriotic grounds +will welcome the news. + + *** + +The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that owners of garments +"bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will not be permitted to replace +them, and the demand among the elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured +waistcoats is said to have already reached unprecedented figures. + + *** + +"On the Western front," says _The Cologne Gazette_, "the British are +defeated." Some complaints are being made by the Germans on the spot +because they have not yet been officially notified of the fact. + + *** + +A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice to a colleague +in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be on the look-out for the +rice, intends to defeat their hopes by substituting confetti. + + *** + +By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of rice at +weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is +useless. + + *** + +"The British," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "what are they? They are +snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, snuffling, vain-glorious +wallowers in misery...." It is thought likely that the _Berliner Tageblatt_ +is vexed with us. + + *** + +Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, will not attend. +It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that the punishment is no more +severe than the House deserves. + + *** + +A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber sufficient extension +to carry out a large repair job he had in hand. This has caused some +consternation among those who imagined that the War would end this year. + + *** + +Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as extravagant by a +lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own household we hardly eat any +bread at all. We practically live on toast." + + *** + +An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs now arriving are +nearly all brown and resemble those laid in this country by the Cochin +China fowl. This, however, is not the only graceful concession to British +prejudice, for the eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so +popular in these islands. + + *** + +[Illustration: PRO PATRIA.] + + *** + +An _Evening News_ correspondent states that at one restaurant last week a +man consumed "a large portion of beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts, +two big platefuls of bread, apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of +pats of butter and a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have +ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the band was +playing it. + + *** + +A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one "Food Hog" had for +luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire +pudding, two vegetables and a roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course +the busy City man's substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon +nap. + + *** + +There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for those who are +willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of quantities of one ton or over +should also bring their own paper and string. + + *** + +One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is reported to have +been seen in the Eastern counties during the recent cold spell. In answer +to a telephonic inquiry on the matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological +Gardens, was heard to murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy." + + *** + +A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying smoking +materials into a munitions factory, explained in defence that no locker had +been assigned to him. The Bench thereupon placed one at his disposal for a +period of one month. + + *** + +On the Somme, says _The Times_, the New Zealand Pioneers, consisting of +Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under +German fire. The really thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted +the sympathy of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single +exception of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our +vast Imperial possessions. + + *** + +The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not be lowered for +women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of inquiries as to whether +"language" is a compulsory or an alternative subject. + + *** + +"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them with the skin," +says the writer of a recently published letter on "Sparrows as Food." He +forgets the very considerable economy which can be achieved by having them +baked in their jackets. + + *** + +We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every artisan dwelling. +Only last week we were pained by a photograph in a weekly paper showing +somebody reduced to taking his tub in the icy Serpentine. + + *** + +Motto for Housekeepers:-- + + "WEIGH IT AND SEE." + + * * * * * + +NATIONAL SERVICE. + + War has taught the truth that shines + Through the poet's noble lines:-- + "Common are to either sex + _Artifex_ and _opifex_." + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM v. THE WORLD. + + Doubtless you feel that such a fight + Would be a huge _reclame_ for Hundom; + That Earth would stagger at the sight + Of _Gulielmus contra Mundum;_ + That WILLIAM, facing awful odds, + Should prove a spectacle for men and gods. + + ('Tis true you have Allies who share + The toll you levy for the shambles, + Yet, judging by the frills you wear + In this your most forlorn of gambles, + One might suppose you stood alone + In solitary splendour all your own.) + + And if the game against you goes, + As seems, I take it, fairly certain, + The Hero, felled by countless foes, + Should make a rather useful curtain; + You could with honour cry for grace, + Having preserved the thing you call your face. + + I shouldn't count too much on that. + The globe is patient, slow and pensive, + But has a way of crushing flat + The objects which it finds offensive; + And when it's done with you, my brave, + I doubt if you will have a face to save. + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +A LOST LEADER. + + "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd + George."--_The Saturday Westminster Gazette._ + +We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and our contemporary +has performed a genuine service in recording this pathetic incident, which +seems to have escaped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament. + + * * * * * + + "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father lived to + be nearly a centurion."--_Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle._ + +Hard lines that he just missed his promotion. + + * * * * * + +"ROYAL FLYING CORPS. + + FLIGHT COMDRS.--Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to retain his temp. + tank whilst so empld."--_The Times._ + +We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT SPEED, in case +the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now being exhibited, should call +for a second edition. + + * * * * * + + "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2-1/2 lb. of meat, and 3/4 lb. of + sugar--these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week, and + in a household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of bread + and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar."--_Weekly Scotsman._ + +We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who has the trick +of it. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, buying for + Government."--_Local Paper._ + +This may account for the statement in another journal that "the new +Administration is going through teething troubles." + + * * * * * + +Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an exhibition of +original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake of Australia at 155, New +Bond Street, beginning on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of +Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne _Punch._ + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD._) + +_The President._ Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. GERARD. I am afraid +you have had a long and uncomfortable journey. + +_Mr. Gerard._ Don't say a word about that, Mr. President. It's all in the +day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense pleasure to be back in one's own +country. + +_The President._ Yes, I can well believe that. Living amongst Germans at +this time can be no satisfaction to an American citizen. + +_Mr. G._ No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a truer word than that +in your life. The fact is the Germans have all gone mad with self-esteem, +and are convinced that every criticism of their actions must have its +foundations in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that, +in spite of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has been +an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer it continues the +worse their position becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them +grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and reasonable +intercourse with them becomes impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not +pleasant people to live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be +away from them. + +_The President._ And as to their submarine warfare, do they realise that we +shall hold them to what they have promised, and that if they persist in +their policy of murder there must be war between them and us? + +_Mr. G._ The certainty that you mean what you say has but little effect on +them. They argue in this way: Germany is in difficulties; the submarine +weapon is the only one that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use +that weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on +behalf of international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count in +the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look upon +the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore, with humanity and, +incidentally, with America and all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed +to follow her lead. + +_The President._ So you think patience, moderation and reasonable argument +are all useless? + +_Mr. G._ See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter stands. They +imagine they can ruin England with their submarines--they 're probably +wrong, but that's their notion--but if they give way to America this +illegitimate weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer +that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe as yet that +America means what she says and is determined to fight rather than suffer +these outrages to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in your +eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine atrocities. + +_The President._ The Germans will soon be undeceived. We will not suffer +this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, in order to prevent it. God +knows we have striven to keep the peace through months and years of racking +anxiety. If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that +reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to avoid +it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though they may clash with +German ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and to give way +even by an inch would be to dishonour our country and to show ourselves +unworthy of the freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the +sword. That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters +with such power of judgment as God has given me. + +_Mr. G._ And to that every true American will say Amen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAR-SAVINGS. + +SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO +SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN." + +FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE MY HEAD." + +SULTAN. "SAME HERE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOME DEFENCE. + +"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?" + +"PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-INSECT-PEST- +EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LVI. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--The weather is very seasonable for the time of year, is +it not? A nice nip in the air, as you might say; thoroughly healthy for +those at liberty to enjoy it _al fresco_. I assure you the opportunity is +not being wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the +time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed to be the +exact moment to slip over to England and help keep the home fires burning. + +Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I got there an +officer, who appeared to be looking for something, asked me what my rank +was. In peace times I should have loved a little unexpected sympathy like +this; as a soldier, quite an old soldier now, I dislike people who take an +interest in me, especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him +very much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were sealed. His +curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he was, he said, a man from +whom it was impossible to keep a secret. He still wished to know what my +rank was. I said it all depended which of them he was referring to, since +there are three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom +one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a plain civilian +mister. Should we leave it at that, and let bygones be bygones? He was +meditating his answer, when I asked him if he realised how close he was +standing to the edge of the quay, and when he turned round and looked I +also turned round and went.... + +The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was either too young +or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat +didn't need to ask him what his rank was; he recognized at a glance just +the very type of officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow +to the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and men +proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow spent the best +part of his days on the other side trying to get rid of his party. I have +not been two years in France without discovering that you simply cannot be +too careful when you are attempting to get out of it. + +When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself changed. I was no +longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my uniform in a public +restaurant, without any reserve. In consequence they'd only let me eat +three-and-sixpence worth for my first meal. This time I was not so clever, +it appeared, as I thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a +civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got less, and so +it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that I fell in for home. If +I'd known I should have kept my waterproof on for luncheon. + +Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be separated from our own +by a High Sea all these months and years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply +ain't fair. In my case there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a +son amongst sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing +good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool who thinks all +his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I should be the very first to +notice and call attention to it. But he has not; dispassionately and from +an entirely detached and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is +about him an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different level +from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half teeth I'm thinking +of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and badly managed hairs which +wander about at the back of his bald head and give him the look of a +dissipated monk. It is just his intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in +everything about him. Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout +heart and an unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights +those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt turn of +speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer and a gentleman +that he _is_ unique. + +Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many pleasant hours to be +spent in discussing with my son the things which matter, I put on all my +waterproofs, gave the porter a twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook +for a shilling, even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for +a franc, and hastened home. + +The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been long in the +company of my wife before I discovered that Another had come between us. I +had not been long with my son before I discovered who that Other was.... I +determined to have it out with him at once. Feeling that the situation was +one for tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at a +disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with his infamy. I +addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I told him I was well aware of +his personal charm, but in this instance I was bound to comment +unfavourably on the use he had made of it. The very last thing I had +expected of him was that at, or indeed before, the early age of one he +would be stealing the affections of another man's wife. + +He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even embarrassed by his +immediate environment. In fact he turned it to his own advantage, for his +hairs, duly watered and soaped down on to his cranium, lost their rakish +look and gave him the appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great +intellect and no little financial stability. As between one man and +another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion, gave me to +understand, with a jovial smile, that such little incidents must always be +expected as long as humanity remains human, and repudiated all personal +responsibility in this instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it +was the woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and his +only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly to repel her +advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at the attitude he adopted; +it consisted in putting his foot in one half of his mouth and breathing +stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started making eyes at +the nurse I was too shocked to stay any longer. + +Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the next morning +for my revenge. As the trustee of his future wealth I had him in my power. +Stepping across to the nearest bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in +his name and passed it all on to the Government, then and there, to be +spent, _inter alia_, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to his face +that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made? He merely called for a +drink. + +However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to France I seized +the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and there took back from the +Government for my own sole and absolute use some of those very pounds my +son had borrowed from the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my +wife, whom I had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all +the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my son's +money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The only result of my +efforts therefore was to land me in a financial transaction so complicated +that I cannot even follow it myself. + +Yours ever, + +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shocked Sister_. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A SECOND +HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR." + +[_Bobby, like a true Briton, desists._]] + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +(SECOND SERIES.) + +XX. + +MILLWALL. + + I leaned on the Mill-Wall + Looking at the water, + I leaned on the Mill-Wall + And saw the Nis's Daughter. + + I saw the Nis's Daughter + Playing with her ball, + She tossed it and tossed it + Against the Mill-Wall. + + I saw the Nis's Goodwife + Busy making lace + With her silver bobbins + In the Mill-Race. + + Then I saw the old Nis, + His hair to his heel, + Combing out the tangles + On the Mill-Wheel. + + The Miller came behind me + And gave my ear a clout-- + "Get on with your business, + You good-for-nothing lout!" + +XXI. + +CORNHILL. + + The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn, + The seed of the Corn is sown; + When the seed is sown on the Cornhill + My love will ask for his own. + + The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn, + The blade of the Corn is shown; + When the blade is shown on the Cornhill + I'll promise my love his own. + + The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn, + The ear of the Corn is grown; + When the ear is grown on the Cornhill + My love shall have his own. + + The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn, + The sheaf of the Corn is mown; + When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill + My love will leave his own. + + * * * * * + +ONE OF OUR OPTIMISTS. + + "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state + price."--_Manchester Guardian_. + + * * * * * + + "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the Council of + Empire after the party had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd + course."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_. + +Preferring a Petrograd one, of course. + + * * * * * + + "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to grant + sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular + personnel."--_Daily Mail_. + +Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article. + + * * * * * + +THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS. + +II. + +Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than +me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in +the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the +little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence. +Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and +their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down +with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the +lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it +were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's +that we had a better time in store. + +"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the +billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle +'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If +'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I +says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there." + +"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready +and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her +could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth +before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw +on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get +used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a +draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there." + +It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to +toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_ +thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered +terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now +you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you +direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters, +and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere." + +Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs. +Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a +doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in +the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew. +I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at +present, he was feelin' a little easier. + +She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out +beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she +said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for +yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow +to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you +fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to +light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it +ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there." + +We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it +made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day +for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em. + +One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if +she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me +better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she +said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew +on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you +learn 'ow to do it the better." + +We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but +when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a +clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and +a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is." + +When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but +she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over +there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the +rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be +without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be +sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more." + +It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs. +Larkins's. + + * * * * * + + "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be + content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from + all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is + asked for is the sacrifice of anaesthetic requirements, in view of + national need."--_East Anglian Daily Times_. + +If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and +we must insist on an anaesthetic. + + * * * * * + + THE BOOMING OF BOOKS. + + _COMFORT AND JOY'S_ + New Books for the Million. + + ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL, + THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE. + 6/- + +A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly +adorable Countess, her four husbands and her +ultimate conversion to Tolstoianism. Please +write for scenario, with Author's portrait in +hygienic costume and sandals. + + * * * * * + + MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE, + FAREWELL, VIRTUE. + 6/- + +Lovers of _In Quest of Crime_ will not fail to be +enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian + self-expression. + + * * * * * + +_By the Author of_ "_The Little Oilcan_," + MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN. + BY JIMBO JONES. + +First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of + any Dustman. + + * * * * * + + THE BOOK OF THE HOUR. + THE LUSCIOUS LIFE, + BY ALEXANDER TRIPE + (Author of "The 'Ammy Knife"). +_The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!_ + +"Verax," in _The Daily Lyre_, says, "This is +a colossally cerebral book. By the side of +Tripe, Balzac is a bungling beginner and Zola +a finicking dilettante." + +_The Manxman_ says: "A wonderful panorama +of the life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince; +with full details of his wardrobe, his taste in +liqueurs, his emotions and dissipations.... +Simply must be read by anyone who wishes +to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the +luscious." + +Mr. John Pougher writes in _Saturn_:-- +"Tripe is the most nourishing author I know. +To adapt Dickens's famous phrase, there is a +juiciness in his work which would enchant a +scavenger." + +2/- _net or three copies for_ 5/- _and four_ + (_with 1 lb. of sugar_) _for_ 6/- + + * * * * * + + GENERAL LITERATURE. + -------- + WAS MILTON A MORMON? + BY FLAMMA BELL. + A book for polygamists of all ages. + +1/- _net, or_ 1/9 _with 1 lb. of margarine_. + + LIFE WITHOUT SOAP. + BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES. + +How to be happy though unwashed. National + thrift in a nutshell. + +_With portrait of the Author in black-and-white_. + 1/- _net._ + + * * * * * + + INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES. + -------- + IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM + +(_With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut + with HINDENBURG_). + + IN TINO'S BOOTROOM. + + IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA. + + IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT + BUDA-PESTH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Neutral Waiter_. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS LANGUAGE. +ZAT OFFICER--I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING, 'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY +AND FED OP'!"] + + * * * * * + +SIGNS OF THE TIMES. + + [The management of _The Times_, of which the price was raised on Monday + to twopence, is anxious, in view of the paper famine, to restore the + old custom by which this journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned, + whether gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal. Having + "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the circulation of each + copy in several houses daily, the managers will not hesitate, as a last + resort, to increase the selling price to sevenpence per copy."] + +_From_ "_The Evening Uproar_." + +BATTLE IN THE WEST-END. + +Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this afternoon. +Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed middle-aged man, at present +unidentified, was observed stealing cautiously from the Tube station with a +thick wad of Treasury notes in one hand and _a copy of "The Times" in the +other!_ The sight of this latter seems to have sent several passers-by +completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly set upon, his journal +torn from his hand and his limbs very severely mauled. The Treasury notes, +unremarked in the fearful _melee_, fell into the mud and were devoured by a +passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless document were in +turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly Circus became a battlefield. +The deplorable behaviour of motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to +the carnage, for these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot +within their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething mass +of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable treasure. No +official estimate of the casualties is yet to hand. + +_Stop Press_.--Reason to believe unknown archdeacon got away West with part +of sheet of "Finance and Commerce." Police, specials, military and +fire-brigade now in pursuit. + +_From the Press generally_. + +AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY. + +At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an unread and unsoiled +copy of yesterday's _Times_. The donor of this superb gift desires to +remain anonymous, but his incredible generosity is expected to benefit +charity to the extent of several thousand pounds. + +_From_ "_The New Britain_." + +SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM. + +A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice of the Rag and +Bones Controller. A copy of _The Times_ (including the Uruguay Supplement +of 94 pages), issued four months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R. +and B. Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of col. +1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire household then read +from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108. Baron Goldenschein tells us that +his cook with difficulty could be persuaded to tear herself away from the +Uruguay Supplement. All the tenants on the estate--some eighty souls--then +enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting it to relatives in various +parts of the United Kingdom. At the end of three months it is estimated +that over one thousand persons had read this copy of _The Times_. The Baron +also informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper from +remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments have been collected +and pasted together the whole will be despatched to those residents in the +Isle of Man who have never heard of _The Times_. + +_From_ "_The Wiggleswick Weekly_":-- + +IMPORTANT NOTICE. + +From Monday next the price of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ (with which is +incorporated _The Bindleton Advertiser_ and _The Swashborough Gazette_) +will be 17_s._ 6_d._ per copy. If this--the forty-seventh--increase in +price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation we shall +unhesitatingly advance the price to L1 9_s._ 5-3/4_d._ per copy. The +management of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ is determined, at no matter what +sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly. + + * * * * * + +From an ecclesiastical magazine:-- + + "The Vicar of ---- has promised to address our branch of the C.E.M.S. + as soon as he can arrange a fine and moonlight evening." + +We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would let us have +the prescription. There should be money in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor's Wife_. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE DOCTOR +AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO MAKE UP THE BOOKS."] + + * * * * * + +SOME MORE BAD WORDS. + + In a recent verse adventure + I compiled "a little list" + Of the verbs deserving censure, + Verbs that "never would be missed"; + Now, to flatter the fastidious, + Suffer me the work to crown + With three epithets--all hideous-- + And one noisome noun. + + First, to add to the recital + Of the words that gall and irk, + Is the old offender "vital," + Done to death by overwork; + Only a prolonged embargo + On its use by Press and pen + Can recall this kind of _argot_ + Back to life again. + + I, in days not very distant, + Though the memory gives me pain, + From the awful word "insistent" + Did not utterly refrain; + Once it promised to refresh us, + Seemed to be alert enough; + Now I loathe it, laboured, precious-- + Merely verbal fluff. + + Thirdly, in the sheets that daily + Cater for our vulgar needs, + There's a word that figures gaily + In reviewers' friendly screeds, + Who declare a book's "arresting," + Mostly, it must be confessed, + Meaning just the problem-questing + Which deserves arrest. + + Last and vilest of this bad band + Is that noun of gruesome sound, + "Uplift," which the clan of _Chadband_ + Hold in reverence profound; + Used for a dynamic function + 'Tis a word devoid of guile, + Only as connoting unction + It excites my bile. + + _Why, fastidious poetaster, + Waste your energy and breath + Like a petulant schoolmaster + Only doing words to death? + Needlessly you slate and scourge us; + War, that sifts and tries and tests, + May be safely left to purge us + Of these verbal pests._ + + * * * * * + +England, February, 1917.--"The great loan land." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LAST THROW.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, February 12th_.--Question-time, which towards the end of last +Session was extended by a quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old +limits. Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the reason, +but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at the disappearance +of what was often a _triste quart d'heure_. One can easily have a surfeit +of the piquant humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the _Rosa +Dartles_ of the House. + +The new Administration received some useful support from an unexpected +quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps, by the discovery that he +had been a trifle of 350 millions out in his Budget estimate of the cost of +the War, was fain to rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of +Credit on one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some +dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a General +Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that exactly the same thing +had been done this time last year when Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the +Exchequer. + +"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited lieutenant, who +thereupon went off on another tack and proceeded to express doubts as to +the wisdom of over-sea expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate. +"Why did you go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway. +As Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House nor the +country will stand much criticism of the new Government by members of the +old one. + +_Tuesday, February 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD, in latter days heard with +difficulty in the House of Commons, has found his voice again in the ampler +air of the Gilded Chamber. His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril +and how to defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the +far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord LYTTON, who, +though not exactly a typical British tar in appearance, has evidently +absorbed a full measure of the sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the +exact nature of the steps that are being taken to deal with the +sea-highwaymen, he made the comforting announcement that already we had +achieved very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON, who +revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member of the Board of +Admiralty, and was able to state that, after two years of "frightfulness," +the British mercantile marine was only a small fraction below its tonnage +at the commencement. + +The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over which so many +Parliamentary battles have been fought, were swept away in a moment this +afternoon when Captain BATHURST announced in his usual level tones that +British farmers would in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as +little compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the +sacredness of close-time. + +After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject to the opinion +of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a pheasant-proprietor, +Members took a little time to recover their breath. But some of them were +soon hard at work again heckling the Government over the multiplication of +new departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose reverence for +the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds, +could hardly contain his fury at the setting up of a War Cabinet--"a body +utterly unknown to the law"--and the inclusion therein of Ministers without +portfolios but with salaries. + +[Illustration: THE GREAT PUSH. CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH.] + +He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from Mr. RUNCIMAN +and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten what happened to Mr. +MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a distinguished Member of a Government +under which both the Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in +peace-time to unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from +complaining that under the present _regime_ the Administration had been +further magnified until, if all its members, including Under-Secretaries, +were present, they would fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already +it is a much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene of +a Great Push. + +If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they would draw the +PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private room, it was doomed to +disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting his position as Leader of the +House, and not, as some people seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S +deputy, made a spirited defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as +being essential for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents, +if they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to move a +Vote of Censure. + +At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to discover the +emblems on the new Treasury Note--the rose, the thistle, the shamrock and +the daffodil (this last for Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is +rarely to be descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time. + +_Wednesday, February 14th_.--To-day the Vice-Chamberlain of the Household +bore a message from the KING in reply to the Address. The House on these +occasions is apt to be less interested in the message than in the +messenger, and watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march +from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The present +holder of the office does his work so featly and with such obvious +enjoyment as to give a new significance to the phrase ... "With nods and +BECKS and wreathed smiles." + +Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a bloodthirsty +and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for Sir JOHN REES to find a +redeeming feature in his character. Among all his crimes, he never, it +seems, prohibited the consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy +that his own efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available +for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma into a +"dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than that he declined +(very properly) to take THEBAW as his model. + +No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD NORTHCOTE'S time has +occupied a more difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily +becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture upon a joke or +two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the +ground, _inter alia_, that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr. +LAW suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the House, +which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S frequent and acidulated +interposition, noted his discomfiture with approving cheers. + +_Thursday, February 15th_.--Lord CURZON, in a happy phrase, described the +late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident about powers which were in excess of the +ordinary." Is not that true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under +the stress of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and +strength of its latent forces. + +There are, of course, exceptions to this rule--strong men who are fully +conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON, for example, who sought a +comprehensive return of all the buildings commandeered and staffs employed +by the multifarious new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would +put too great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to +winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would give him +access to their books he would draw up a return in a couple of days. Either +the evil has been greatly exaggerated or Lord MIDLETON is a +super-statistician for whose services another hotel or two ought to be +immediately secured. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT CORPORAL, SERGEANT." + +_Sergeant_. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR; HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."] + + * * * * * + + "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker; 10s."--_The Bazaar_. + +It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it. + + * * * * * + + "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been sunk by + submarines twice, and in some cases three times."--_Manchester + Guardian._ + +If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not have happened. + + * * * * * + + "Matrimony.--Gentleman coming into means desires to correspond with + Lady having means; this is genuine."--_Scotch Paper_. + +But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into means" then? + + * * * * * + +THE QUESTION OF THE DAY. + +What are a rational nation's national rations? + + * * * * * + + "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and abroad to + preparation for the campaign in the spring. Actually, a great deal of + water has passed under the Thames."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames tunnel. + + * * * * * + +From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at Liverpool:-- + + "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A voice, 'I hope + not.') Yes, there would be parties--no free country with free + institutions was ever without them--but he did not think they would be + quite the sane parties."--_The Times_. + +But were they ever? + + * * * * * + + "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper 'A Nap' has + been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for publishing an article + the contents of which were considered to be dangerous to the interests + of the war campaign."--_Westminster Gazette_. + +We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty regularly of an +evening, and must now forgo this simple luxury. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Giles_. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE TO THE LIKES O' WE, +MEASTER." + +_Farmer_. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER? AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?" + +_Giles_. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN' +WELL!"] + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF DETACHMENT. + +(_Being a letter from a cloistered lady visiting London to her sister in +the Shires._) + +My dear Ruth,--Beginning at the beginning, let me tell you that you must at +once go to the station to inquire how it is that they forced me to pay +thirty shillings for my ticket, instead of one pound. Although the price +one pound is printed on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten +shillings extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want +you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in the +booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see the +station-master about it. + +The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas of London are +wrong. You remember how we used to be told about its wonderful lighting at +night, and the comfort of its hotels, and the bright shops, and the crowds +of taxis, and so on. Well, this isn't true at all. So far from being +well-lighted, I assure you that our few little streets and market square +are a blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely dark, +and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little light that crossing +the road is most perilous. The thing could be put right in a moment if they +would only see to it that the lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at +several of them and I could see exactly what was wrong--a coat of grimy +stuff has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be quite +easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to do it. I suppose +that London is very badly managed; and here again I think the advantage +lies with us, for I am certain that our District Council would never allow +such a state of things. Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy. + +The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only they don't know +how to apply it. Every night, directly it begins to be dark, great streams +of light are turned on from all parts of the city; but would you believe +it, they are directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the +street, but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District +Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would tell him. + +Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the Jerusalem Hotel, +but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel people why the central heating +was not on, they said that there is no coal. At least it seems that there +is coal, but no one to deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant +returning such a reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in +London they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men who +ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't imagine. Anyhow, as I +was freezing, I moved into lodgings, where there is coal, although an +exorbitant price is asked for each scuttle. + +The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new speculation +called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as it is so well spoken of +and is to pay the large dividend of 5-1/4 per cent. I have arranged to invest +something for each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter--a Mr. BONAR +LAW--is, but it would be awful for us if he turned out to be a JABEZ +BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all investment is a gamble, and we can +only hope for the best. He must have some peculiar position or the papers +would not support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of +public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his prospectus as +their text and literally imploring the people to invest. Quite like the +South Sea Bubble we read of in MACAULAY; but please Heaven it won't turn +out to be another. + +I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing, except that her +family could not afford to put anything in. "But your daughters earn very +good money," I said. "That's true," she replied, "but all that they have +over after their clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the +pictures; and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them +their pleasures, not I." + +Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of entertainment in +this city there are millions who are like them. But I couldn't help +thinking that if so much money seems really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW +is really a public benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert +some of the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone for +sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to be at war most +of these places would naturally be shut up. + +By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just now. I have +heard numbers of people, all in different places, such as the Tube and +omni-buses and tea-shops, using very strong terms about them. It has been +quite a series of coincidences. + +No more for the present from + +Your affectionate + +LOUISA. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS." + +"I DON'T WANT TO." + +"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT ONCE." + +"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE GERMANS."] + + * * * * * + +SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION. + +III. + + Tub-swill, tub-swill! _have_ you any tub-swill? + I will send my footman to fetch it, if I may; + For I'm hoping _all_ the restaurants and all the nicest clubs will + Give me broken victuals, if I send for them each day; + In the Park, in Piccadilly, + Down at Ascot, in the Shires, + We've been up in terms like "filly," + "Dams" and "sires," + "Smooths" and "wires;" + Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars" + And it's "suckers" and it's "stores"-- + The terms that one acquires + Now we're keeping pigs to pay. + + Hog-wash, hog-wash! _are_ you selling hog-wash + In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic spray? + Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog wash; + In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's holding sway. + Oh, indeed, it's _worse_ than silly + If a person now admires + An inedible young filly, + Dams and sires, + Smooths and wires; + For in gilts and in boars + And in suckers and in stores + Proper keenness one acquires + Now we're keeping pigs to pay. + + * * * * * + + "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the Austrian + Emperor a Field-Marshal. + + The material damage done was insignificant."--_Glasgow Evening Times_. + +But the moral effect was tremendous. + + * * * * * + + "More Food.--Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase stock open-air + pig-farm."--_Morning Paper_. + +An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much about. + + * * * * * + +OXFORD REVISITED. + + Last week, a prey to military duty, + I turned my lagging footsteps to the West; + I have a natural taste for scenic beauty, + And all my pent emotions may be guessed + To find myself again + At Didcot, loathliest junction of the plain. + + But all things come unto the patient waiter, + "Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous blue + Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater + Almost exactly as they used to do + In 1898, + When I became an undergraduate. + + "O joys whereto I went as to a bridal, + With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a brow + That no amount of culture (herpecidal) + Will coax the semblance of a crop from now, + Once more I make ye mine; + There is a train that leaves at half-past nine. + + "In a rude land where life among the boys is + One long glad round of cards and coffin juice, + And any sort of intellectual poise is + The constant butt of well-expressed abuse, + And it is no disgrace + To put a table-knife inside one's face, + + "I have remembered picnics on the Isis, + Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and tea, + Nor ever dreamed a European crisis + Would make a British soldier out of me-- + The mute inglorious kind + That push the beastly war on from behind. + + "But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister + Are beckoning to me with the old allure; + The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster + Which I for one-and-ninepence can secure, + Reaching on Memory's wing + Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled spring." + + But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion + The dreams that cheat the mind's responsive eye! + Where are the undergrads in gay profusion + Whose waistcoats made melodious the High, + All the _jeunesse doree_ + That shed the glamour of an elder day? + + Can this be Oxford? And is that my college + That vomits khaki through its sacred gate? + Are those the schools where once I aired my knowledge + Where nurses pass and ambulances wait? + Ah! sick ones, pale of face, + I too have suffered tortures in that place! + + In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish; + Balliol is bare of all but mild Hindoos; + The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish + Are in the trenches giving Fritz the Blues, + And many a stout D.D. + Is digging trenches with the V.T.C. + + Why press the search when every hallowed close is + Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming fours; + While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his + Loud summons, and the hoarse bull-sergeant roars, + While almost out of view + The thrumming biplane cleaves the astonished blue? + + It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet, + These splendid youths with zeal and courage fired, + But as for Private Me, M.A.--why, blow it! + The very sight of soldiers makes me tired; + Learning--detached, apart-- + I sought, not War's reverberating art. + + Yain search! But see! One ancient institution + Still doing business at the same old stand; + 'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian, + That erst dispensed my slender cash-in-hand; + I'll borrow of their pelf + And buy some War Loan to console myself. + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT INVESTMENT. + +I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an indemnity of +L2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a tenner or so because the KAISER +has done so much to beautify our banks. Once they were cold cheerless +places. A suspicion of an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love +to go to the bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads +bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they were not +looking up the details of my account I should be perfectly happy. + +Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5-1/4 per cent. by borrowing +money from my bank at five per cent. This seemed to be the kind of +investment I had been looking for. I found that if I took a million on +those terms I should draw a net income of L2,500 a year. But I am a +patriot. It seemed to me that L2,500 a year was rather more than I was +worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of course I might +be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I resolved to avoid greed and ask +for a simple hundred thousand. + +So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type of beauty, "I +want to see the manager, please. Concerning an important investment in War +Loan," I added hastily, fearing lest the damsel should conclude that I +wanted an ordinary overdraft. + +I was ushered into the manager's private room. + +"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you advance money at +five per cent. to make the purchase." + +"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming. + +I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch somewhere. + +"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said. + +The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear Sir," he gasped, +"have you any prospect of being able to save a hundred thousand during the +next year or so?" + +"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I should be both +surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a year. Still I might do it, +you know. I should have to give up tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations +hitherto unknown to me died and left me handsome legacies. You are always +seeing these things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost +Australian Uncle.'" + +"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred? You need not pay +a deposit. I'll give you a form." + +"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say? Well, I decline +your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash." + +I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the blonde, brown and +auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred thousand in War Loan. I had +imagined their eyes gleaming at the spectacle of one-tenth of a +millionaire. + +And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I have worked up my +balance a little above its present total, namely L2 _1s. 9d._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Instructor_ (_to very nervous lady, who, with a view to +war-work, is inquiring about tuition_). "OF COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A +LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40--50, AND FINISH YOU +OFF IN TRAFFIC."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +_If Wishes were Horses_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of the most engaging +novels that I have met for some time. The matter of it, perhaps, is nothing +very new: a story of expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the +writer, Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift of +making you believe in her people. All the characters are vigorously alive. +The result is that one follows with quite unusual interest the chequered +career of her central figure, _Martin Leffley_, from his introduction as a +frankly unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he +always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P., and, +incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the wonderful devotion of +_Rose_, the wife whom throughout the tale he has bullied and undervalued. +Nor is _Rose_ herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less +memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to _Aunt Polly_, +the kindly dealer in old clothes, who imagined the Savile to be a night +club. But, as I say, the whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I +fear for the story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a +super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the paths of +melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the unexpected beauty and +dignity of the closing chapter would have redeemed a more serious lapse. + + * * * * * + +_Forced to Fight_ (HEINEMANN) is the record of a Schleswig Dane set forth +by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably translated from the Danish by INGEBORG +LUND. It is a book that with a singular skill and with a passion that never +gets out of hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration +lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of Liege, fought in +Flanders, then on the Russian Front and again in the Argonne, whence a +shattered elbow sent him home broken and _aged_--that is what his +chronicler emphasises--not by the wound, but by the long horror and fatigue +of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his sufferings lay in the +fact that as a Dane he went without any of the great hopes and passions +that inspired his German comrades, of whom however he speaks with no +ill-will. He took part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian +villages, loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that +the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world will remember +to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You get an impression of the +added horror of this War for the imaginative temperamental, and some +pathetic pictures of all the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven +people on the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to the +splendour of world-dominion--a vision of desolate homes and countrysides +empty of all but very old men. + + * * * * * + +The first lines of _Still Life_ (CONSTABLE), which begins in "the night +train from the German frontier to Paris," gave me much the same impression +of impossibility (was there ever such a train?) that I should have felt +about a story that opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to +some, different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess that +Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps may admire the +pains lavished by the author in analysing the emotions of a group of +characters whose temperaments certainly give him every opportunity for this +exercise. An impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have +(reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way through the plot; +first in Paris--where you may make a shrewd guess at his +pre-occupations--then in an English village, to which he has eloped with +the wife of a friend; in France again, and so on. The emotions to which +these amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with a care +that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique nineties than anything +belonging to these more vigorous days. I am far from suggesting that, as a +study in super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed scenes +of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it is out of date, or (I +should perhaps better say) conspicuously out of harmony with the present +time. But if you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another +matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should preserve this book on +some shelf not too accessible by those who are still young enough to +overestimate its importance. + + * * * * * + +It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from the new Haymarket +play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part author, to what I suppose was +the last story he ever wrote, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ (MILLS AND +BOON), which begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It +begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I regret to add, +than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home from the theatre, the girl +whose companion she was, pleading fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to +a masked ball, wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her +mistress. The two girls, _Ruth_, the heroine, and _Damia_, lived in a +gloomy house with old _Mr. Verinder_, who was _Damia's_ guardian. But when +_Ruth_ returned from the ball she found that this arrangement no longer +held good, _Verinder_ having been melodramatically stabbed during her +absence. And as no one knew, or would ever believe, that it was _Damia_ and +not herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty gambit of +intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension is not quite +sustained, partly because the characters all behave in an increasingly +foolish and improbable fashion (even for tales of this genre); partly +because there is never sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of +course, _Damia_) who really killed _Verinder_. Still, of its kind, as the +sort of shocker that used to be valued at a shilling, but appears, like +everything else, to have risen in price, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ is +fairly up to the average. I fancy her profits might have been greater +before the discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the +environment for which she is best fitted. + + * * * * * + +In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The Bodley Head I have +no doubt that _Canada Chaps_ will be welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs. +SIME will not mind my saying that the best of her tales are those which +have more to do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and +of fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring quite +true. It is just the difference between the soldier telling his own artless +and rugged tale and someone else telling it for him with a touch of +artifice. But when the author merely uses the War as her background she +writes with real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do +the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have guessed that +they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne Michelle" and "The King's +Gift," for instance, are true gems, and they are offered to you at the +price of paste. Nowhere will you find a better bargain for your shilling. + + * * * * * + +HELEN MACKAY, in _A Journal of Small Things_ (MELROSE), sets before us +with, it might seem, almost too deliberate simplicity of idiom little +scenes and remembered reflections of her days in France since the July of +the terrible year. An American to whom France has come to be her adopted +and most tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things, chiefly +sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or by the wayside or in +the houses of the simple and the great, shadowed alike by the all-embracing +desolation of the War. The writer has a singular power of selecting the +significant details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty +and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book. Less happy +perhaps and much less in the picture are the episodes learnt only at second +hand and suggesting the technique and unreality of the imagined short +story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PRICELESS PLUMBER--AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW. + +_Troubled Householder (writing)._ "THERE IS A SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR +WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR +ESTEEMED SERVICES."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY. + +From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:-- + + "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for insomnia."--_News + of the World._ + + * * * * * + +THE CENSOR ABROAD. + + "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's Court is + held in a room about upteen feet long by about upteen feet + wide."--_East African Standard._ + + * * * * * + + "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."--_Advt. in South African Paper._ + +This "Money Back" seems a new disease. + + * * * * * + +From an article in the _Berliner Tageblatt_ descriptive of life on the +Western Front:-- + + "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad one would be + of a thaw in the trenches. But then the accursed time will come again + when the whole surface of Northern France sticks to the boot of the + German soldier."--_The Times._ + +Our brave police must look to their laurels. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +152, February 21st, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14767.txt or 14767.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14767/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith +Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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