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diff --git a/14767-h/14767-h.htm b/14767-h/14767-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5df24ab --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/14767-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2294 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, February 21st, 1917.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + p.center {text-align: center;} + p.author {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + hr.shorter {text-align: center; width: 10%;} + html>body hr.shorter {margin-right: 45%; margin-left: 45%; width: 10%;} + + .note + {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i16 {margin-left: 8em;} + + .advert + {margin-left:20%; margin-right:20%;} + .advert p + {text-align: center;} + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter p.i16 {text-indent: 8em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14767 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 152.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 21st, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" + id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the + way in which certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, + and he decided to read them a lesson they would not soon + forget. So he left America.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only + two shots were fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last + week.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in + the despatches from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. + Bronchial subjects who have been confining themselves to black + currant lozenges on patriotic grounds will welcome the + news.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that + owners of garments "bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will + not be permitted to replace them, and the demand among the + elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured waistcoats is said + to have already reached unprecedented figures.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"On the Western front," says <i>The Cologne Gazette</i>, + "the British are defeated." Some complaints are being made by + the Germans on the spot because they have not yet been + officially notified of the fact.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice + to a colleague in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be + on the look-out for the rice, intends to defeat their hopes by + substituting confetti.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of + rice at weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a + deterrent the stuff is useless.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The British," says the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>, "what are + they? They are snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, + snuffling, vain-glorious wallowers in misery...." It is thought + likely that the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> is vexed with us.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, + will not attend. It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that + the punishment is no more severe than the House deserves.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber + sufficient extension to carry out a large repair job he had in + hand. This has caused some consternation among those who + imagined that the War would end this year.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as + extravagant by a lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own + household we hardly eat any bread at all. We practically live + on toast."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs + now arriving are nearly all brown and resemble those laid in + this country by the Cochin China fowl. This, however, is not + the only graceful concession to British prejudice, for the + eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so popular in + these islands.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/117.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/117.png" + alt="Pro Patria." /></a> + + <h4>PRO PATRIA.</h4> + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>An <i>Evening News</i> correspondent states that at one + restaurant last week a man consumed "a large portion of beef, + baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts, two big platefuls of bread, + apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of pats of butter and + a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have + ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the + band was playing it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one + "Food Hog" had for luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices + of roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, two vegetables and a + roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course the busy City man's + substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon nap.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for + those who are willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of + quantities of one ton or over should also bring their own paper + and string.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is + reported to have been seen in the Eastern counties during the + recent cold spell. In answer to a telephonic inquiry on the + matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological Gardens, was heard to + murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying + smoking materials into a munitions factory, explained in + defence that no locker had been assigned to him. The Bench + thereupon placed one at his disposal for a period of one + month.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>On the Somme, says <i>The Times</i>, the New Zealand + Pioneers, consisting of Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug + 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under German fire. The really + thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted the sympathy + of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single exception + of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our + vast Imperial possessions.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not + be lowered for women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of + inquiries as to whether "language" is a compulsory or an + alternative subject.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them + with the skin," says the writer of a recently published letter + on "Sparrows as Food." He forgets the very considerable economy + which can be achieved by having them baked in their + jackets.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every + artisan dwelling. Only last week we were pained by a photograph + in a weekly paper showing somebody reduced to taking his tub in + the icy Serpentine.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Motto for Housekeepers:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "WEIGH IT AND SEE." + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h4>National Service.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>War has taught the truth that shines</p> + + <p>Through the poet's noble lines:—</p> + + <p>"Common are to either sex</p> + + <p><i>Artifex</i> and <i>opifex</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page118" + id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span> + + <h2>WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Doubtless you feel that such a fight</p> + + <p class="i2">Would be a huge <i>réclame</i> for + Hundom;</p> + + <p>That Earth would stagger at the sight</p> + + <p class="i2">Of <i>Gulielmus contra Mundum;</i></p> + + <p class="i4">That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,</p> + + <p>Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>('Tis true you have Allies who share</p> + + <p class="i2">The toll you levy for the shambles,</p> + + <p>Yet, judging by the frills you wear</p> + + <p class="i2">In this your most forlorn of gambles,</p> + + <p class="i4">One might suppose you stood alone</p> + + <p>In solitary splendour all your own.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And if the game against you goes,</p> + + <p class="i2">As seems, I take it, fairly certain,</p> + + <p>The Hero, felled by countless foes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Should make a rather useful curtain;</p> + + <p class="i4">You could with honour cry for grace,</p> + + <p>Having preserved the thing you call your face.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shouldn't count too much on that.</p> + + <p class="i2">The globe is patient, slow and + pensive,</p> + + <p>But has a way of crushing flat</p> + + <p class="i2">The objects which it finds offensive;</p> + + <p class="i4">And when it's done with you, my + brave,</p> + + <p>I doubt if you will have a face to save.</p> + </div> + </div> + <p class="center">O. S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Lost Leader.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. + Lloyd George."—<i>The Saturday Westminster + Gazette.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and + our contemporary has performed a genuine service in recording + this pathetic incident, which seems to have escaped all the + other reporters of the opening of Parliament.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his + father lived to be nearly a centurion."—<i>Wallasey + and Wirral Chronicle.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="center">"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.</p> + + <blockquote> + FLIGHT COMDRS.—Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to + retain his temp. tank whilst so empld."—<i>The + Times.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT + SPEED, in case the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now + being exhibited, should call for a second edition.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2½ lb. of + meat, and ¾ lb. of sugar—these are the + voluntary rations for each person for a week, and in a + household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of + bread and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of + sugar."—<i>Weekly Scotsman.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who + has the trick of it.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, + buying for Government."—<i>Local Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>This may account for the statement in another journal that + "the new Administration is going through teething + troubles."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an + exhibition of original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake + of Australia at 155, New Bond Street, beginning on February + 22nd. The cartoons are the work of Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and + CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne <i>Punch.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>The PRESIDENT of the United States and + Mr. GERARD.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The President.</i> Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. + GERARD. I am afraid you have had a long and uncomfortable + journey.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Gerard.</i> Don't say a word about that, Mr. + President. It's all in the day's work, and, anyhow, it's an + immense pleasure to be back in one's own country.</p> + + <p><i>The President.</i> Yes, I can well believe that. Living + amongst Germans at this time can be no satisfaction to an + American citizen.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a + truer word than that in your life. The fact is the Germans have + all gone mad with self-esteem, and are convinced that every + criticism of their actions must have its foundations in envy + and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that, in spite + of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has + been an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer + it continues the worse their position becomes. The mixture of + these feelings makes them grossly arrogant and sensitive to the + last degree, and reasonable intercourse with them becomes + impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not pleasant people to + live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be away + from them.</p> + + <p><i>The President.</i> And as to their submarine warfare, do + they realise that we shall hold them to what they have + promised, and that if they persist in their policy of murder + there must be war between them and us?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> The certainty that you mean what you say has + but little effect on them. They argue in this way: Germany is + in difficulties; the submarine weapon is the only one that will + help Germany, therefore Germany must use that weapon ruthlessly + and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on behalf of + international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count + in the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German + uniform or look upon the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, + therefore, with humanity and, incidentally, with America and + all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed to follow her + lead.</p> + + <p><i>The President.</i> So you think patience, moderation and + reasonable argument are all useless?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> See here, Mr. President, this is how the + matter stands. They imagine they can ruin England with their + submarines—they 're probably wrong, but that's their + notion—but if they give way to America this illegitimate + weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer + that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe + as yet that America means what she says and is determined to + fight rather than suffer these outrages to continue. The + Germans will try to throw dust in your eyes, Mr. President, + while continuing the submarine atrocities.</p> + + <p><i>The President.</i> The Germans will soon be undeceived. + We will not suffer this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, + in order to prevent it. God knows we have striven to keep the + peace through months and years of racking anxiety. If war comes + it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that reproach + upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to + avoid it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though + they may clash with German ambitions and German methods. There + we are fixed, and to give way even by an inch would be to + dishonour our country and to show ourselves unworthy of the + freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the sword. + That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these + matters with such power of judgment as God has given me.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> And to that every true American will say + Amen.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" + id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/119.png" + alt="War-Savings." /></a> + + <h3>WAR-SAVINGS.</h3> + + <p>SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD + AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."</p> + + <p>FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG + AS I SAVE MY HEAD."</p> + + <p>SULTAN. "SAME HERE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" + id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/120.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/120.png" + alt="Home Defence." /></a> + + <h4>HOME DEFENCE.</h4> + + <p>"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"</p> + + <p> + "PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND- + INSECT-PEST-EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + + <p class="center">LVI.</p> + + <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,—The weather is very seasonable for + the time of year, is it not? A nice nip in the air, as you + might say; thoroughly healthy for those at liberty to enjoy it + <i>al fresco</i>. I assure you the opportunity is not being + wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the + time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed + to be the exact moment to slip over to England and help keep + the home fires burning.</p> + + <p>Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I + got there an officer, who appeared to be looking for something, + asked me what my rank was. In peace times I should have loved a + little unexpected sympathy like this; as a soldier, quite an + old soldier now, I dislike people who take an interest in me, + especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him very + much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were + sealed. His curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he + was, he said, a man from whom it was impossible to keep a + secret. He still wished to know what my rank was. I said it all + depended which of them he was referring to, since there are + three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom + one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a + plain civilian mister. Should we leave it at that, and let + bygones be bygones? He was meditating his answer, when I asked + him if he realised how close he was standing to the edge of the + quay, and when he turned round and looked I also turned round + and went....</p> + + <p>The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was + either too young or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an + ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat didn't need to ask him what his + rank was; he recognized at a glance just the very type of + officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow to + the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and + men proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow + spent the best part of his days on the other side trying to get + rid of his party. I have not been two years in France without + discovering that you simply cannot be too careful when you are + attempting to get out of it.</p> + + <p>When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself + changed. I was no longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my + uniform in a public restaurant, without any reserve. In + consequence they'd only let me eat three-and-sixpence worth for + my first meal. This time I was not so clever, it appeared, as I + thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a + civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got + less, and so it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that + I fell in for home. If I'd known I should have kept my + waterproof on for luncheon.</p> + + <p>Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be + separated from our own by a High Sea all these months and + years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply ain't fair. In my case + there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a son amongst + sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing + good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool + who thinks all his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I + should be the very first to notice and call attention to it. + But he has not; dispassionately and from an entirely detached + and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is about him + an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different + level from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half + teeth I'm thinking of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and + badly managed hairs which wander about at the back of his bald + head and give him the look of a dissipated monk. It is just his + intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in everything about him. + Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout heart and an + unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights + those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt + turn of speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer + and a gentleman that he <i>is</i> unique.</p> + + <p>Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many + pleasant hours to be spent in discussing with my son the things + which matter, I put on all my waterproofs, gave the porter a + twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook for a shilling, + even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for a + franc, and hastened home.</p> + + <p>The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been + long in the company of my wife before I discovered that Another + had come between us. I had not been long with my son before I + discovered who that Other was.... I determined to have it out + with him at once. Feeling that the situation was one for + tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at + a disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with + his infamy. I addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I + told him I was well aware of his personal charm, but in this + instance I was bound to comment unfavourably on the use he had + made of it. The very last thing I had expected of him was that + at, or indeed before, the early age of one he would be stealing + the affections of another man's wife.</p> + + <p>He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even + embarrassed by his immediate environment. In fact he turned it + to his own advantage, for his hairs, duly watered and soaped + down on to his cranium, lost their rakish look and gave him the + appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great intellect + and no little financial stability. As between one man and + another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion, + gave me to understand, with a jovial smile, that such little + incidents must always be expected as long as humanity remains + human, and repudiated all personal responsibility in this + instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it was the + woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and + his only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly + to repel her advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at + the attitude he adopted; it consisted in putting his foot in + one half <span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" + id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> of his mouth and breathing + stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started + making eyes at the nurse I was too shocked to stay any + longer.</p> + + <p>Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the + next morning for my revenge. As the trustee of his future + wealth I had him in my power. Stepping across to the nearest + bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in his name and passed + it all on to the Government, then and there, to be spent, + <i>inter alia</i>, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to + his face that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made? + He merely called for a drink.</p> + + <p>However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to + France I seized the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and + there took back from the Government for my own sole and + absolute use some of those very pounds my son had borrowed from + the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my wife, whom I + had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all + the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my + son's money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The + only result of my efforts therefore was to land me in a + financial transaction so complicated that I cannot even follow + it myself.</p> + + <p class="center">Yours ever,</p> + + <p class="author">HENRY.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/121.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/121.png" + alt="Oh, Bobby, you mustn't have a second helping!" /> + </a> + + <p><i>Shocked Sister</i>. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A + SECOND HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."</p> + + <p class="author">[<i>Bobby, like a true Briton, + desists.</i>]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2> + + <p class="center">(SECOND SERIES.)</p> + + <p class="center">XX.</p> + + <p class="center">MILLWALL.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I leaned on the Mill-Wall</p> + + <p class="i2">Looking at the water,</p> + + <p>I leaned on the Mill-Wall</p> + + <p class="i2">And saw the Nis's Daughter.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I saw the Nis's Daughter</p> + + <p class="i2">Playing with her ball,</p> + + <p>She tossed it and tossed it</p> + + <p class="i2">Against the Mill-Wall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I saw the Nis's Goodwife</p> + + <p class="i2">Busy making lace</p> + + <p>With her silver bobbins</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Mill-Race.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then I saw the old Nis,</p> + + <p class="i2">His hair to his heel,</p> + + <p>Combing out the tangles</p> + + <p class="i2">On the Mill-Wheel.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Miller came behind me</p> + + <p class="i2">And gave my ear a clout—</p> + + <p>"Get on with your business,</p> + + <p class="i2">You good-for-nothing lout!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="center">XXI.</p> + + <p class="center">CORNHILL.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p> + + <p class="i2">The seed of the Corn is sown;</p> + + <p>When the seed is sown on the Cornhill</p> + + <p class="i2">My love will ask for his own.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p> + + <p class="i2">The blade of the Corn is shown;</p> + + <p>When the blade is shown on the Cornhill</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll promise my love his own.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ear of the Corn is grown;</p> + + <p>When the ear is grown on the Cornhill</p> + + <p class="i2">My love shall have his own.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p> + + <p class="i2">The sheaf of the Corn is mown;</p> + + <p>When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill</p> + + <p class="i2">My love will leave his own.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>One of our Optimists.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state + price."—<i>Manchester Guardian</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the + Council of Empire after the party had pledged itself to + eschew a retrograd course."—<i>Manchester Evening + Chronicle</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to + grant sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and + Consular personnel."—<i>Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this + hyphenated article.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" + id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> + + <h2>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h2> + + <p class="center">II.</p> + + <p>Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a + billet better than me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, + give us the best of everything in the 'ouse and our lives + wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the little + Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in + consekence. Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we + was given one apiece and their end of the table had next to + nothin' on when ours was weighed down with sausages and + suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the + lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues + out. But it were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was + moved to Mrs. Larkins's that we had a better time in store.</p> + + <p>"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she + said to the billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody + wouldn't like to coddle 'em better than I should, but 'twould + be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If 'ardships are in store + for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I says, and it + won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."</p> + + <p>"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to + sleep on ready and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who + with a woman's heart in her could put you on a feather bed + knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth before three weeks + is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw on the + floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall + get used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom + to make a draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind + over there."</p> + + <p>It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. + He's inclined to toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as + big as a football. "I <i>am</i> thankful I thought of the + winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered terrible if + you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now + you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster + 'ud ease you direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such + things as pepper plasters, and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste + the luxury of one over 'ere."</p> + + <p>Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took + out, but Mrs. Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," + she said, "do you think a doctor'll come along with his + pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in the trenches? + You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew. I'll + lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her + just at present, he was feelin' a little easier.</p> + + <p>She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn + you out beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a + second time," she said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, + knowin' you'll be fendin' for yourselves in a 'ole in the + ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow to do it now. + There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you + fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall + learn 'ow to light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the + saucepans out of your way; it ain't likely you'll 'ave + saucepans over there."</p> + + <p>We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. + She said it made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be + grateful to 'er one day for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels + for ourselves or go without 'em.</p> + + <p>One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked + Mrs. Larkins if she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. + "Nothin' would please me better than to sew 'em all on, they're + mostly 'angin' by a thread," she said; "but do you expect to + find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew on your buttons? + You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you learn + 'ow to do it the better."</p> + + <p>We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our + other billets, but when the second Sunday come at Mrs. + Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a clean shirt we felt + obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and a + bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."</p> + + <p>When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire + to dry; but she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire + to dry 'em by over there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em + wet." And when we got the rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet + shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be without it over there. + It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be sorry if I + see you limpin' a bit more."</p> + + <p>It took us some time in the trenches to get over our + 'ardenin' at Mrs. Larkins's.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of + paper to be content with lower shades of whiteness, and + generally to refrain from all demands that would interfere + with the desired economy. All that is asked for is the + sacrifice of anæsthetic requirements, in view of + national need."—<i>East Anglian Daily Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is + certainly painful and we must insist on an + anæsthetic.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="advert"> + <h2>THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.</h2> + + <h4><i>COMFORT AND JOY'S</i></h4> + + <h4><b>New Books for the Million.</b></h4> + + <p>ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,</p> + + <p>THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.</p> + + <h3>6/-</h3> + + <blockquote> + A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly adorable + Countess, her four husbands and her ultimate conversion + to Tolstoianism. Please write for scenario, with + Author's portrait in hygienic costume and sandals. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,</p> + + <h4>FAREWELL, VIRTUE.</h4> + + <h3>6/-</h3> + + <blockquote> + Lovers of <i>In Quest of Crime</i> will not fail to be + enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian + self-expression. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p><i>By the Author of</i> "<i>The Little Oilcan</i>,"</p> + + <h4>MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.</h4> + + <p>BY JIMBO JONES.</p> + + <p>First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of any + Dustman.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.</p> + + <h4>THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,</h4> + + <p>BY ALEXANDER TRIPE</p> + + <p>(Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").</p> + + <p><i>The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!</i></p> + + <blockquote> + "Verax," in <i>The Daily Lyre</i>, says, "This is a + colossally cerebral book. By the side of Tripe, Balzac + is a bungling beginner and Zola a finicking + dilettante." + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <i>The Manxman</i> says: "A wonderful panorama of the + life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince; with full details + of his wardrobe, his taste in liqueurs, his emotions + and dissipations.... Simply must be read by anyone who + wishes to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the + luscious." + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + Mr. John Pougher writes in <i>Saturn</i>:—"Tripe + is the most nourishing author I know. To adapt + Dickens's famous phrase, there is a juiciness in his + work which would enchant a scavenger." + </blockquote> + + <p><b>2/-</b> <i>net or three copies for</i> <b>5/-</b> + <i>and four</i> (<i>with 1 lb. of sugar</i>) <i>for</i> + <b>6/-</b></p> + <hr /> + + <p>GENERAL LITERATURE.</p> + <hr class="shorter" /> + + <h4>WAS MILTON A MORMON?</h4> + + <p>BY FLAMMA BELL.</p> + + <p>A book for polygamists of all ages.</p> + + <p><b>1/-</b> <i>net, or</i> <b>1/9</b> <i>with 1 lb. of + margarine</i>.</p> + + <h4>LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.</h4> + + <p>BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.</p> + + <blockquote> + How to be happy though unwashed. National thrift in a + nutshell. + </blockquote> + + <p><i>With portrait of the Author in + black-and-white.</i><br /> + <b>1/-</b> <i>net.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.</p> + <hr class="shorter" /> + + <h4>IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM</h4> + + <p>(<i>With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut with + HINDENBURG</i>).</p> + + <h4>IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.</h4> + + <h4>IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.</h4> + + <h4>IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT BUDA-PESTH.</h4> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" + id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/123.png" + alt="I shall nevair onderstand zis language." /></a> + + <p><i>Neutral Waiter</i>. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS + LANGUAGE. ZAT OFFICER—I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING, + 'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY AND FED OP'!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SIGNS OF THE TIMES.</h2> + + <blockquote> + [The management of <i>The Times</i>, of which the price was + raised on Monday to twopence, is anxious, in view of the + paper famine, to restore the old custom by which this + journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned, whether + gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal. + Having "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the + circulation of each copy in several houses daily, the + managers will not hesitate, as a last resort, to increase + the selling price to sevenpence per copy."] + </blockquote> + + <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The Evening Uproar</i>."</p> + + <p class="center">BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.</p> + + <p>Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this + afternoon. Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed + middle-aged man, at present unidentified, was observed stealing + cautiously from the Tube station with a thick wad of Treasury + notes in one hand and <i>a copy of "The Times" in the + other!</i> The sight of this latter seems to have sent several + passers-by completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly + set upon, his journal torn from his hand and his limbs very + severely mauled. The Treasury notes, unremarked in the fearful + <i>mélée</i>, fell into the mud and were devoured + by a passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless + document were in turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly + Circus became a battlefield. The deplorable behaviour of + motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to the carnage, for + these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot within + their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething + mass of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable + treasure. No official estimate of the casualties is yet to + hand.</p> + + <p><i>Stop Press</i>.—Reason to believe unknown + archdeacon got away West with part of sheet of "Finance and + Commerce." Police, specials, military and fire-brigade now in + pursuit.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>From the Press generally</i>.</p> + + <p class="center">AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.</p> + + <p>At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an + unread and unsoiled copy of yesterday's <i>Times</i>. The donor + of this superb gift desires to remain anonymous, but his + incredible generosity is expected to benefit charity to the + extent of several thousand pounds.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The New Britain</i>."</p> + + <p class="center">SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.</p> + + <p>A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice + of the Rag and Bones Controller. A copy of <i>The Times</i> + (including the Uruguay Supplement of 94 pages), issued four + months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R. and B. + Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of + col. 1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire + household then read from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108. + Baron Goldenschein tells us that his cook with difficulty could + be persuaded to tear herself away from the Uruguay Supplement. + All the tenants on the estate—some eighty + souls—then enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting + it to relatives in various parts of the United Kingdom. At the + end of three months it is estimated that over one thousand + persons had read this copy of <i>The Times</i>. The Baron also + informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper + from remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments + have been collected and pasted together the whole will be + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page124" + id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> despatched to those + residents in the Isle of Man who have never heard of <i>The + Times</i>.</p> + + <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The Wiggleswick + Weekly</i>":—</p> + + <p class="center">IMPORTANT NOTICE.</p> + + <p>From Monday next the price of <i>The Wiggleswick Weekly</i> + (with which is incorporated <i>The Bindleton Advertiser</i> and + <i>The Swashborough Gazette</i>) will be 17<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> + per copy. If this—the forty-seventh—increase in + price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation + we shall unhesitatingly advance the price to £1 + 9<i>s.</i> 5¾<i>d.</i> per copy. The management of + <i>The Wiggleswick Weekly</i> is determined, at no matter what + sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From an ecclesiastical magazine:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "The Vicar of —— has promised to address our + branch of the C.E.M.S. as soon as he can arrange a fine and + moonlight evening." + </blockquote> + + <p>We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would + let us have the prescription. There should be money in it.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/124.png" + alt="So glad to see you out again." /></a> + + <p><i>Doctor's Wife</i>. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE + DOCTOR AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO + MAKE UP THE BOOKS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SOME MORE BAD WORDS.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In a recent verse adventure</p> + + <p class="i2">I compiled "a little list"</p> + + <p>Of the verbs deserving censure,</p> + + <p>Verbs that "never would be missed";</p> + + <p>Now, to flatter the fastidious,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suffer me the work to crown</p> + + <p>With three epithets—all hideous—</p> + + <p class="i2">And one noisome noun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>First, to add to the recital</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the words that gall and irk,</p> + + <p>Is the old offender "vital,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Done to death by overwork;</p> + + <p>Only a prolonged embargo</p> + + <p class="i2">On its use by Press and pen</p> + + <p>Can recall this kind of <i>argot</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Back to life again.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I, in days not very distant,</p> + + <p class="i2">Though the memory gives me pain,</p> + + <p>From the awful word "insistent"</p> + + <p class="i2">Did not utterly refrain;</p> + + <p>Once it promised to refresh us,</p> + + <p class="i2">Seemed to be alert enough;</p> + + <p>Now I loathe it, laboured, precious—</p> + + <p class="i2">Merely verbal fluff.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thirdly, in the sheets that daily</p> + + <p class="i2">Cater for our vulgar needs,</p> + + <p>There's a word that figures gaily</p> + + <p class="i2">In reviewers' friendly screeds,</p> + + <p>Who declare a book's "arresting,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Mostly, it must be confessed,</p> + + <p>Meaning just the problem-questing</p> + + <p class="i2">Which deserves arrest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last and vilest of this bad band</p> + + <p class="i2">Is that noun of gruesome sound,</p> + + <p>"Uplift," which the clan of <i>Chadband</i></p> + + <p class="i2">Hold in reverence profound;</p> + + <p>Used for a dynamic function</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis a word devoid of guile,</p> + + <p>Only as connoting unction</p> + + <p class="i2">It excites my bile.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Why, fastidious poetaster,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Waste your energy and breath</i></p> + + <p><i>Like a petulant schoolmaster</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Only doing words to death?</i></p> + + <p><i>Needlessly you slate and scourge us;</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>War, that sifts and tries and + tests,</i></p> + + <p><i>May be safely left to purge us</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Of these verbal pests.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>England, February, 1917.—"The great loan land."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" + id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/125.png" + alt="The Last Throw." /></a> + + <h3>THE LAST THROW.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" + id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <p><i>Monday, February 12th</i>.—Question-time, which + towards the end of last Session was extended by a + quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old limits. + Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the + reason, but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at + the disappearance of what was often a <i>triste quart + d'heure</i>. One can easily have a surfeit of the piquant + humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the <i>Rosa + Dartles</i> of the House.</p> + + <p>The new Administration received some useful support from an + unexpected quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps, + by the discovery that he had been a trifle of 350 millions out + in his Budget estimate of the cost of the War, was fain to + rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of Credit on + one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some + dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a + General Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that + exactly the same thing had been done this time last year when + Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the Exchequer.</p> + + <p>"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited + lieutenant, who thereupon went off on another tack and + proceeded to express doubts as to the wisdom of over-sea + expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate. "Why did you + go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway. As + Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House + nor the country will stand much criticism of the new Government + by members of the old one.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, February 13th</i>.—Lord BERESFORD, in + latter days heard with difficulty in the House of Commons, has + found his voice again in the ampler air of the Gilded Chamber. + His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril and how to + defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the + far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord + LYTTON, who, though not exactly a typical British tar in + appearance, has evidently absorbed a full measure of the + sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the exact nature of the + steps that are being taken to deal with the sea-highwaymen, he + made the comforting announcement that already we had achieved + very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON, + who revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member + of the Board of Admiralty, and was able to state that, after + two years of "frightfulness," the British mercantile marine was + only a small fraction below its tonnage at the + commencement.</p> + + <p>The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over + which so many Parliamentary battles have been fought, were + swept away in a moment this afternoon when Captain BATHURST + announced in his usual level tones that British farmers would + in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as little + compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the + sacredness of close-time.</p> + + <p>After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject + to the opinion of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a + pheasant-proprietor, Members took a little time to recover + their breath. But some of them were soon hard at work again + heckling the Government over the multiplication of new + departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose + reverence for the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to + Ireland) knows no bounds, could hardly contain his fury at the + setting up of a War Cabinet—"a body utterly unknown to + the law"—and the inclusion therein of Ministers without + portfolios but with salaries.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/126.png" + alt="The Great Push." /></a> THE GREAT PUSH. + CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH. + </div> + + <p>He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from + Mr. RUNCIMAN and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten + what happened to Mr. MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a + distinguished Member of a Government under which both the + Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in peace-time to + unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from + complaining that under the present <i>régime</i> the + Administration had been further magnified until, if all its + members, including Under-Secretaries, were present, they would + fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already it is a + much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene + of a Great Push.</p> + + <p>If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they + would draw the PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private + room, it was doomed to disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting + his position as Leader of the House, and not, as some people + seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S deputy, made a spirited + defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as being essential + for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents, if + they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to + move a Vote of Censure.</p> + + <p>At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to + discover the emblems on the new Treasury Note—the rose, + the thistle, the shamrock and the daffodil (this last for + Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is rarely to be + descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday, February 14th</i>.—To-day the + Vice-Chamberlain of the Household bore a message from the KING + in reply to the Address. The House on these occasions is apt to + be less interested in the message than in the messenger, and + watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march + from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The + present holder of the office does his work so featly and with + such obvious enjoyment as to give a new significance to the + phrase ... "With nods and BECKS and wreathèd + smiles."</p> + + <p>Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a + bloodthirsty and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for + Sir JOHN REES to find a redeeming feature in his character. + Among all his crimes, he never, it seems, prohibited the + consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy that his own + efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available + for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma + into a "dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than + that he declined (very properly) to take THEBAW as his + model.</p> + + <p>No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD + NORTHCOTE'S time <span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" + id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> has occupied a more + difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily + becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture + upon a joke or two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of + the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the ground, <i>inter alia</i>, + that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr. LAW + suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the + House, which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S + frequent and acidulated interposition, noted his + discomfiture with approving cheers.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, February 15th</i>.—Lord CURZON, in a + happy phrase, described the late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident + about powers which were in excess of the ordinary." Is not that + true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under the stress + of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and + strength of its latent forces.</p> + + <p>There are, of course, exceptions to this rule—strong + men who are fully conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON, + for example, who sought a comprehensive return of all the + buildings commandeered and staffs employed by the multifarious + new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would put too + great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to + winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would + give him access to their books he would draw up a return in a + couple of days. Either the evil has been greatly exaggerated or + Lord MIDLETON is a super-statistician for whose services + another hotel or two ought to be immediately secured.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/127.png" + alt="I don't think much of that Corporal, Sergeant." /> + </a> + + <p class="i16"><i>Officer</i>. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT + CORPORAL, SERGEANT."</p> + + <p class="center"> </p> + + <p class="i16"><i>Sergeant</i>. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR; + HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."</p> + + <p class="center"> </p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker; + 10s."—<i>The Bazaar</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been + sunk by submarines twice, and in some cases three + times."—<i>Manchester Guardian.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not + have happened.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Matrimony.—Gentleman coming into means desires to + correspond with Lady having means; this is + genuine."—<i>Scotch Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into + means" then?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>The Question of the Day.</h4> + + <p>What are a rational nation's national rations?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and + abroad to preparation for the campaign in the spring. + Actually, a great deal of water has passed under the + Thames."—<i>Liverpool Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames + tunnel.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at + Liverpool:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A + voice, 'I hope not.') Yes, there would be parties—no + free country with free institutions was ever without + them—but he did not think they would be quite the + sane parties."—<i>The Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>But were they ever?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper + 'A Nap' has been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for + publishing an article the contents of which were considered + to be dangerous to the interests of the war + campaign."—<i>Westminster Gazette</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty + regularly of an evening, and must now forgo this simple + luxury.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" + id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/128.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/128.png" + alt="Farmer and workers." /></a> + + <p class="i16"><i>Giles</i>. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE + TO THE LIKES O' WE, MEASTER."</p> + + <p class="i16"><i>Farmer</i>. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER? + AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"</p> + + <p class="i16"><i>Giles</i>. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S + EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN' WELL!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE ART OF DETACHMENT.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>Being a letter from a cloistered lady + visiting London to her sister in the Shires.</i>)</p> + + <p>My dear Ruth,—Beginning at the beginning, let me tell + you that you must at once go to the station to inquire how it + is that they forced me to pay thirty shillings for my ticket, + instead of one pound. Although the price one pound is printed + on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten shillings + extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want + you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in + the booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see + the station-master about it.</p> + + <p>The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas + of London are wrong. You remember how we used to be told about + its wonderful lighting at night, and the comfort of its hotels, + and the bright shops, and the crowds of taxis, and so on. Well, + this isn't true at all. So far from being well-lighted, I + assure you that our few little streets and market square are a + blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely + dark, and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little + light that crossing the road is most perilous. The thing could + be put right in a moment if they would only see to it that the + lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at several of them and I + could see exactly what was wrong—a coat of grimy stuff + has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be + quite easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to + do it. I suppose that London is very badly managed; and here + again I think the advantage lies with us, for I am certain that + our District Council would never allow such a state of things. + Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.</p> + + <p>The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only + they don't know how to apply it. Every night, directly it + begins to be dark, great streams of light are turned on from + all parts of the city; but would you believe it, they are + directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the street, + but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District + Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would + tell him.</p> + + <p>Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the + Jerusalem Hotel, but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel + people why the central heating was not on, they said that there + is no coal. At least it seems that there is coal, but no one to + deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant returning such a + reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in London + they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men + who ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't + imagine. Anyhow, as I was freezing, I moved into lodgings, + where there is coal, although an exorbitant price is asked for + each scuttle.</p> + + <p>The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new + speculation called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as + it is so well spoken of and is to pay the large dividend of + 5¼ per cent. I have arranged to invest something for + each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter—a Mr. + BONAR LAW—is, but it would be awful for us if he turned + out to be a JABEZ BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all + investment is a gamble, and we can only hope for the best. He + must have some peculiar position or the papers would not + support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of + public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his + prospectus as their text and literally imploring the people to + invest. Quite like the South Sea Bubble we read + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" + id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> of in MACAULAY; but please + Heaven it won't turn out to be another.</p> + + <p>I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing, + except that her family could not afford to put anything in. + "But your daughters earn very good money," I said. "That's + true," she replied, "but all that they have over after their + clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the pictures; + and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them + their pleasures, not I."</p> + + <p>Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of + entertainment in this city there are millions who are like + them. But I couldn't help thinking that if so much money seems + really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW is really a public + benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert some of + the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone + for sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to + be at war most of these places would naturally be shut up.</p> + + <p>By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just + now. I have heard numbers of people, all in different places, + such as the Tube and omni-buses and tea-shops, using very + strong terms about them. It has been quite a series of + coincidences.</p> + + <p>No more for the present from</p> + + <p class="center">Your affectionate</p> + + <p class="author">LOUISA.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/129.png" + alt="Now, Bobby, be a good boy and come and say your prayers." /> + </a> + + <p class="i16">"NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY + YOUR PRAYERS."</p> + + <p class="i16">"I DON'T WANT TO."</p> + + <p class="i16">"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT + ONCE."</p> + + <p class="i16">"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE + GERMANS."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h3> + + <p class="center">III.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Tub-swill, tub-swill! <i>have</i> you any + tub-swill?</p> + + <p class="i2">I will send my footman to fetch it, if I + may;</p> + + <p>For I'm hoping <i>all</i> the restaurants and all + the nicest clubs will</p> + + <p class="i2">Give me broken victuals, if I send for + them each day;</p> + + <p class="i6">In the Park, in Piccadilly,</p> + + <p class="i8">Down at Ascot, in the Shires,</p> + + <p class="i6">We've been up in terms like "filly,"</p> + + <p class="i8">"Dams" and "sires,"</p> + + <p class="i8">"Smooths" and "wires;"</p> + + <p class="i6">Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars"</p> + + <p class="i6">And it's "suckers" and it's + "stores"—</p> + + <p class="i8">The terms that one acquires</p> + + <p class="i6">Now we're keeping pigs to pay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hog-wash, hog-wash! <i>are</i> you selling + hog-wash</p> + + <p class="i2">In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic + spray?</p> + + <p>Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog + wash;</p> + + <p class="i2">In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's + holding sway.</p> + + <p class="i6">Oh, indeed, it's <i>worse</i> than + silly</p> + + <p class="i8">If a person now admires</p> + + <p class="i6">An inedible young filly,</p> + + <p class="i8">Dams and sires,</p> + + <p class="i8">Smooths and wires;</p> + + <p class="i6">For in gilts and in boars</p> + + <p class="i6">And in suckers and in stores</p> + + <p class="i8">Proper keenness one acquires</p> + + <p class="i6">Now we're keeping pigs to pay.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the + Austrian Emperor a Field-Marshal. + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + The material damage done was + insignificant."—<i>Glasgow Evening Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>But the moral effect was tremendous.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "More Food.—Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase + stock open-air pig-farm."—<i>Morning Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much + about.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" + id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> + + <h2>OXFORD REVISITED.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last week, a prey to military duty,</p> + + <p class="i2">I turned my lagging footsteps to the + West;</p> + + <p>I have a natural taste for scenic beauty,</p> + + <p class="i2">And all my pent emotions may be + guessed</p> + + <p class="i4">To find myself again</p> + + <p class="i2">At Didcot, loathliest junction of the + plain.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But all things come unto the patient waiter,</p> + + <p class="i2">"Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous + blue</p> + + <p>Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater</p> + + <p class="i2">Almost exactly as they used to do</p> + + <p class="i4">In 1898,</p> + + <p class="i2">When I became an undergraduate.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"O joys whereto I went as to a bridal,</p> + + <p class="i2">With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a + brow</p> + + <p>That no amount of culture (herpecidal)</p> + + <p class="i2">Will coax the semblance of a crop from + now,</p> + + <p class="i4">Once more I make ye mine;</p> + + <p class="i2">There is a train that leaves at half-past + nine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"In a rude land where life among the boys is</p> + + <p class="i2">One long glad round of cards and coffin + juice,</p> + + <p>And any sort of intellectual poise is</p> + + <p class="i2">The constant butt of well-expressed + abuse,</p> + + <p class="i4">And it is no disgrace</p> + + <p class="i2">To put a table-knife inside one's + face,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"I have remembered picnics on the Isis,</p> + + <p class="i2">Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and + tea,</p> + + <p>Nor ever dreamed a European crisis</p> + + <p class="i2">Would make a British soldier out of + me—</p> + + <p class="i4">The mute inglorious kind</p> + + <p class="i2">That push the beastly war on from + behind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister</p> + + <p class="i2">Are beckoning to me with the old + allure;</p> + + <p>The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster</p> + + <p class="i2">Which I for one-and-ninepence can + secure,</p> + + <p class="i4">Reaching on Memory's wing</p> + + <p class="i2">Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled + spring."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion</p> + + <p class="i2">The dreams that cheat the mind's + responsive eye!</p> + + <p>Where are the undergrads in gay profusion</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose waistcoats made melodious the + High,</p> + + <p class="i4">All the <i>jeunesse dorée</i></p> + + <p class="i2">That shed the glamour of an elder + day?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Can this be Oxford? And is that my college</p> + + <p class="i2">That vomits khaki through its sacred + gate?</p> + + <p>Are those the schools where once I aired my + knowledge</p> + + <p class="i2">Where nurses pass and ambulances + wait?</p> + + <p class="i4">Ah! sick ones, pale of face,</p> + + <p class="i2">I too have suffered tortures in that + place!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish;</p> + + <p class="i2">Balliol is bare of all but mild + Hindoos;</p> + + <p>The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish</p> + + <p class="i2">Are in the trenches giving Fritz the + Blues,</p> + + <p class="i4">And many a stout D.D.</p> + + <p class="i2">Is digging trenches with the V.T.C.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Why press the search when every hallowed close + is</p> + + <p class="i2">Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming + fours;</p> + + <p>While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his</p> + + <p class="i2">Loud summons, and the hoarse + bull-sergeant roars,</p> + + <p class="i4">While almost out of view</p> + + <p class="i2">The thrumming biplane cleaves the + astonished blue?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet,</p> + + <p class="i2">These splendid youths with zeal and + courage fired,</p> + + <p>But as for Private Me, M.A.—why, blow it!</p> + + <p class="i2">The very sight of soldiers makes me + tired;</p> + + <p class="i4">Learning—detached, apart—</p> + + <p class="i2">I sought, not War's reverberating + art.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yain search! But see! One ancient institution</p> + + <p class="i2">Still doing business at the same old + stand;</p> + + <p>'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian,</p> + + <p class="i2">That erst dispensed my slender + cash-in-hand;</p> + + <p class="i4">I'll borrow of their pelf</p> + + <p class="i2">And buy some War Loan to console + myself.</p> + </div> + </div> + <p class="center">ALGOL.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GREAT INVESTMENT.</h2> + + <p>I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an + indemnity of £2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a + tenner or so because the KAISER has done so much to beautify + our banks. Once they were cold cheerless places. A suspicion of + an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love to go to the + bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads + bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they + were not looking up the details of my account I should be + perfectly happy.</p> + + <p>Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5¼ per + cent. by borrowing money from my bank at five per cent. This + seemed to be the kind of investment I had been looking for. I + found that if I took a million on those terms I should draw a + net income of £2,500 a year. But I am a patriot. It + seemed to me that £2,500 a year was rather more than I + was worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of + course I might be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I + resolved to avoid greed and ask for a simple hundred + thousand.</p> + + <p>So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type + of beauty, "I want to see the manager, please. Concerning an + important investment in War Loan," I added hastily, fearing + lest the damsel should conclude that I wanted an ordinary + overdraft.</p> + + <p>I was ushered into the manager's private room.</p> + + <p>"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you + advance money at five per cent. to make the purchase."</p> + + <p>"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming.</p> + + <p>I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch + somewhere.</p> + + <p>"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said.</p> + + <p>The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear + Sir," he gasped, "have you any prospect of being able to save a + hundred thousand during the next year or so?"</p> + + <p>"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I + should be both surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a + year. Still I might do it, you know. I should have to give up + tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations hitherto unknown to me + died and left me handsome legacies. You are always seeing these + things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost + Australian Uncle.'"</p> + + <p>"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred? + You need not pay a deposit. I'll give you a form."</p> + + <p>"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say? + Well, I decline your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten + much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash."</p> + + <p>I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the + blonde, brown and auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred + thousand in War Loan. I had imagined their eyes gleaming at the + spectacle of one-tenth of a millionaire.</p> + + <p>And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I + have worked up my balance a little above its present total, + namely £2 1<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i></p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" + id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/131.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/131.png" + alt="Driviving Instructor and very nervous lady." /> + </a> + + <p><i>Instructor</i> (<i>to very nervous lady, who, with a + view to war-work, is inquiring about tuition</i>). "OF + COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE + SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40—50, AND FINISH YOU OFF IN + TRAFFIC."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned + Clerks</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>If Wishes were Horses</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of + the most engaging novels that I have met for some time. The + matter of it, perhaps, is nothing very new: a story of + expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the writer, + Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift + of making you believe in her people. All the characters are + vigorously alive. The result is that one follows with quite + unusual interest the chequered career of her central figure, + <i>Martin Leffley</i>, from his introduction as a frankly + unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he + always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P., + and, incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the + wonderful devotion of <i>Rose</i>, the wife whom throughout the + tale he has bullied and undervalued. Nor is <i>Rose</i> + herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less + memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to + <i>Aunt Polly</i>, the kindly dealer in old clothes, who + imagined the Savile to be a night club. But, as I say, the + whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I fear for the + story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a + super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the + paths of melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the + unexpected beauty and dignity of the closing chapter would have + redeemed a more serious lapse.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Forced to Fight</i> (HEINEMANN) is the record of a + Schleswig Dane set forth by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably + translated from the Danish by INGEBORG LUND. It is a book that + with a singular skill and with a passion that never gets out of + hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration + lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of + Liége, fought in Flanders, then on the Russian Front and + again in the Argonne, whence a shattered elbow sent him home + broken and <i>aged</i>—that is what his chronicler + emphasises—not by the wound, but by the long horror and + fatigue of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his + sufferings lay in the fact that as a Dane he went without any + of the great hopes and passions that inspired his German + comrades, of whom however he speaks with no ill-will. He took + part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian villages, + loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that + the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world + will remember to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You + get an impression of the added horror of this War for the + imaginative temperamental, and some pathetic pictures of all + the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven people on + the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to + the splendour of world-dominion—a vision of desolate + homes and countrysides empty of all but very old men.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The first lines of <i>Still Life</i> (CONSTABLE), which + begins in "the night train from the German frontier to Paris," + gave me much the same impression of impossibility (was there + ever such a train?) that I should have felt about a story that + opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to some, + different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess + that Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps + may admire the pains lavished + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page132" + id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> by the author in analysing + the emotions of a group of characters whose temperaments + certainly give him every opportunity for this exercise. An + impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have + (reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way + through the plot; first in Paris—where you may make a + shrewd guess at his pre-occupations—then in an English + village, to which he has eloped with the wife of a friend; + in France again, and so on. The emotions to which these + amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with + a care that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique + nineties than anything belonging to these more vigorous + days. I am far from suggesting that, as a study in + super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed + scenes of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it + is out of date, or (I should perhaps better say) + conspicuously out of harmony with the present time. But if + you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another + matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should + preserve this book on some shelf not too accessible by those + who are still young enough to overestimate its + importance.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from + the new Haymarket play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part + author, to what I suppose was the last story he ever wrote, + <i>The Lady in the Black Mask</i> (MILLS AND BOON), which + begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It + begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I + regret to add, than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home + from the theatre, the girl whose companion she was, pleading + fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to a masked ball, + wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her + mistress. The two girls, <i>Ruth</i>, the heroine, and + <i>Damia</i>, lived in a gloomy house with old <i>Mr. + Verinder</i>, who was <i>Damia's</i> guardian. But when + <i>Ruth</i> returned from the ball she found that this + arrangement no longer held good, <i>Verinder</i> having been + melodramatically stabbed during her absence. And as no one + knew, or would ever believe, that it was <i>Damia</i> and not + herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty + gambit of intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension + is not quite sustained, partly because the characters all + behave in an increasingly foolish and improbable fashion (even + for tales of this genre); partly because there is never + sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of course, + <i>Damia</i>) who really killed <i>Verinder</i>. Still, of its + kind, as the sort of shocker that used to be valued at a + shilling, but appears, like everything else, to have risen in + price, <i>The Lady in the Black Mask</i> is fairly up to the + average. I fancy her profits might have been greater before the + discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the + environment for which she is best fitted.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The + Bodley Head I have no doubt that <i>Canada Chaps</i> will be + welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs. SIME will not mind my + saying that the best of her tales are those which have more to + do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and of + fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring + quite true. It is just the difference between the soldier + telling his own artless and rugged tale and someone else + telling it for him with a touch of artifice. But when the + author merely uses the War as her background she writes with + real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do + the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have + guessed that they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne + Michelle" and "The King's Gift," for instance, are true gems, + and they are offered to you at the price of paste. Nowhere will + you find a better bargain for your shilling.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>HELEN MACKAY, in <i>A Journal of Small Things</i> (MELROSE), + sets before us with, it might seem, almost too deliberate + simplicity of idiom little scenes and remembered reflections of + her days in France since the July of the terrible year. An + American to whom France has come to be her adopted and most + tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things, + chiefly sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or + by the wayside or in the houses of the simple and the great, + shadowed alike by the all-embracing desolation of the War. The + writer has a singular power of selecting the significant + details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty + and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book. + Less happy perhaps and much less in the picture are the + episodes learnt only at second hand and suggesting the + technique and unreality of the imagined short story.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/132.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/132.png" + alt="The Priceless Plumber" /></a> THE PRICELESS + PLUMBER—AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW. + + <p><i>Troubled Householder (writing).</i> "THERE IS A + SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY + NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR ESTEEMED + SERVICES."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4> + + <p>From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for + insomnia."—<i>News of the World.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h4>The Censor Abroad.</h4> + + <blockquote> + "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's + Court is held in a room about upteen feet long by about + upteen feet wide."—<i>East African Standard.</i> + </blockquote> + <hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."—<i>Advt. in + South African Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>This "Money Back" seems a new disease.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>From an article in the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> descriptive + of life on the Western Front:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad + one would be of a thaw in the trenches. But then the + accursed time will come again when the whole surface of + Northern France sticks to the boot of the German + soldier."—<i>The Times.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Our brave police must look to their laurels.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14767 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14767-h/images/117.png b/14767-h/images/117.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9de733f --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/117.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/119.png b/14767-h/images/119.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7063fd --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/119.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/120.png b/14767-h/images/120.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..621928a --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/120.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/121.png b/14767-h/images/121.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7011749 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/121.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/123.png b/14767-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb1b80e --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/123.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/124.png b/14767-h/images/124.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0025d40 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/124.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/125.png b/14767-h/images/125.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e09502 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/125.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/126.png b/14767-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..066bf30 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/126.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/127.png b/14767-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9405f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/127.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/128.png b/14767-h/images/128.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c06655 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/128.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/129.png b/14767-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9a9969 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/129.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/131.png b/14767-h/images/131.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eeecdc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/131.png diff --git a/14767-h/images/132.png b/14767-h/images/132.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3081999 --- /dev/null +++ b/14767-h/images/132.png |
