initial commit of ebook 14767HEADmain

37 files changed, 10648 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/14767-0.txt b/14767-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5603cae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1617 @@
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14767 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 21st, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the way in which
+certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, and he decided to read
+them a lesson they would not soon forget. So he left America.
+
+       ***
+
+Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only two shots were
+fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last week.
+
+       ***
+
+The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in the despatches
+from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. Bronchial subjects who have
+been confining themselves to black currant lozenges on patriotic grounds
+will welcome the news.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that owners of garments
+"bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will not be permitted to replace
+them, and the demand among the elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured
+waistcoats is said to have already reached unprecedented figures.
+
+       ***
+
+"On the Western front," says _The Cologne Gazette_, "the British are
+defeated." Some complaints are being made by the Germans on the spot
+because they have not yet been officially notified of the fact.
+
+       ***
+
+A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice to a colleague
+in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be on the look-out for the
+rice, intends to defeat their hopes by substituting confetti.
+
+       ***
+
+By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of rice at
+weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is
+useless.
+
+       ***
+
+"The British," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "what are they? They are
+snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, snuffling, vain-glorious
+wallowers in misery...." It is thought likely that the _Berliner Tageblatt_
+is vexed with us.
+
+       ***
+
+Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, will not attend.
+It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that the punishment is no more
+severe than the House deserves.
+
+       ***
+
+A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber sufficient extension
+to carry out a large repair job he had in hand. This has caused some
+consternation among those who imagined that the War would end this year.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as extravagant by a
+lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own household we hardly eat any
+bread at all. We practically live on toast."
+
+       ***
+
+An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs now arriving are
+nearly all brown and resemble those laid in this country by the Cochin
+China fowl. This, however, is not the only graceful concession to British
+prejudice, for the eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so
+popular in these islands.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: PRO PATRIA.]
+
+       ***
+
+An _Evening News_ correspondent states that at one restaurant last week a
+man consumed "a large portion of beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts,
+two big platefuls of bread, apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of
+pats of butter and a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have
+ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the band was
+playing it.
+
+       ***
+
+A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one "Food Hog" had for
+luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire
+pudding, two vegetables and a roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course
+the busy City man's substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon
+nap.
+
+       ***
+
+There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for those who are
+willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of quantities of one ton or over
+should also bring their own paper and string.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is reported to have
+been seen in the Eastern counties during the recent cold spell. In answer
+to a telephonic inquiry on the matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological
+Gardens, was heard to murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."
+
+       ***
+
+A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying smoking
+materials into a munitions factory, explained in defence that no locker had
+been assigned to him. The Bench thereupon placed one at his disposal for a
+period of one month.
+
+       ***
+
+On the Somme, says _The Times_, the New Zealand Pioneers, consisting of
+Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under
+German fire. The really thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted
+the sympathy of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single
+exception of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our
+vast Imperial possessions.
+
+       ***
+
+The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not be lowered for
+women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of inquiries as to whether
+"language" is a compulsory or an alternative subject.
+
+       ***
+
+"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them with the skin,"
+says the writer of a recently published letter on "Sparrows as Food." He
+forgets the very considerable economy which can be achieved by having them
+baked in their jackets.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every artisan dwelling.
+Only last week we were pained by a photograph in a weekly paper showing
+somebody reduced to taking his tub in the icy Serpentine.
+
+       ***
+
+Motto for Housekeepers:--
+
+    "WEIGH IT AND SEE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL SERVICE.
+
+  War has taught the truth that shines
+  Through the poet's noble lines:--
+  "Common are to either sex
+  _Artifex_ and _opifex_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.
+
+  Doubtless you feel that such a fight
+    Would be a huge _réclame_ for Hundom;
+  That Earth would stagger at the sight
+    Of _Gulielmus contra Mundum;_
+      That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,
+  Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.
+
+  ('Tis true you have Allies who share
+    The toll you levy for the shambles,
+  Yet, judging by the frills you wear
+    In this your most forlorn of gambles,
+      One might suppose you stood alone
+  In solitary splendour all your own.)
+
+  And if the game against you goes,
+    As seems, I take it, fairly certain,
+  The Hero, felled by countless foes,
+    Should make a rather useful curtain;
+      You could with honour cry for grace,
+  Having preserved the thing you call your face.
+
+  I shouldn't count too much on that.
+    The globe is patient, slow and pensive,
+  But has a way of crushing flat
+    The objects which it finds offensive;
+      And when it's done with you, my brave,
+  I doubt if you will have a face to save.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOST LEADER.
+
+    "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd
+    George."--_The Saturday Westminster Gazette._
+
+We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and our contemporary
+has performed a genuine service in recording this pathetic incident, which
+seems to have escaped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father lived to
+    be nearly a centurion."--_Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle._
+
+Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.
+
+    FLIGHT COMDRS.--Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to retain his temp.
+    tank whilst so empld."--_The Times._
+
+We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT SPEED, in case
+the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now being exhibited, should call
+for a second edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2-1/2 lb. of meat, and 3/4 lb. of
+    sugar--these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week, and
+    in a household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of bread
+    and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar."--_Weekly Scotsman._
+
+We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who has the trick
+of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, buying for
+    Government."--_Local Paper._
+
+This may account for the statement in another journal that "the new
+Administration is going through teething troubles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an exhibition of
+original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake of Australia at 155, New
+Bond Street, beginning on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of
+Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne _Punch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD._)
+
+_The President._ Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. GERARD. I am afraid
+you have had a long and uncomfortable journey.
+
+_Mr. Gerard._ Don't say a word about that, Mr. President. It's all in the
+day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense pleasure to be back in one's own
+country.
+
+_The President._ Yes, I can well believe that. Living amongst Germans at
+this time can be no satisfaction to an American citizen.
+
+_Mr. G._ No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a truer word than that
+in your life. The fact is the Germans have all gone mad with self-esteem,
+and are convinced that every criticism of their actions must have its
+foundations in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that,
+in spite of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has been
+an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer it continues the
+worse their position becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them
+grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and reasonable
+intercourse with them becomes impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not
+pleasant people to live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be
+away from them.
+
+_The President._ And as to their submarine warfare, do they realise that we
+shall hold them to what they have promised, and that if they persist in
+their policy of murder there must be war between them and us?
+
+_Mr. G._ The certainty that you mean what you say has but little effect on
+them. They argue in this way: Germany is in difficulties; the submarine
+weapon is the only one that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use
+that weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on
+behalf of international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count in
+the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look upon
+the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore, with humanity and,
+incidentally, with America and all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed
+to follow her lead.
+
+_The President._ So you think patience, moderation and reasonable argument
+are all useless?
+
+_Mr. G._ See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter stands. They
+imagine they can ruin England with their submarines--they 're probably
+wrong, but that's their notion--but if they give way to America this
+illegitimate weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer
+that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe as yet that
+America means what she says and is determined to fight rather than suffer
+these outrages to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in your
+eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine atrocities.
+
+_The President._ The Germans will soon be undeceived. We will not suffer
+this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, in order to prevent it. God
+knows we have striven to keep the peace through months and years of racking
+anxiety. If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that
+reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to avoid
+it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though they may clash with
+German ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and to give way
+even by an inch would be to dishonour our country and to show ourselves
+unworthy of the freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the
+sword. That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters
+with such power of judgment as God has given me.
+
+_Mr. G._ And to that every true American will say Amen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR-SAVINGS.
+
+SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO
+SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."
+
+FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE MY HEAD."
+
+SULTAN. "SAME HERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOME DEFENCE.
+
+"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"
+
+"PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-INSECT-PEST-
+EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--The weather is very seasonable for the time of year, is
+it not? A nice nip in the air, as you might say; thoroughly healthy for
+those at liberty to enjoy it _al fresco_. I assure you the opportunity is
+not being wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the
+time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed to be the
+exact moment to slip over to England and help keep the home fires burning.
+
+Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I got there an
+officer, who appeared to be looking for something, asked me what my rank
+was. In peace times I should have loved a little unexpected sympathy like
+this; as a soldier, quite an old soldier now, I dislike people who take an
+interest in me, especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him
+very much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were sealed. His
+curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he was, he said, a man from
+whom it was impossible to keep a secret. He still wished to know what my
+rank was. I said it all depended which of them he was referring to, since
+there are three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom
+one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a plain civilian
+mister. Should we leave it at that, and let bygones be bygones? He was
+meditating his answer, when I asked him if he realised how close he was
+standing to the edge of the quay, and when he turned round and looked I
+also turned round and went....
+
+The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was either too young
+or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat
+didn't need to ask him what his rank was; he recognized at a glance just
+the very type of officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow
+to the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and men
+proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow spent the best
+part of his days on the other side trying to get rid of his party. I have
+not been two years in France without discovering that you simply cannot be
+too careful when you are attempting to get out of it.
+
+When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself changed. I was no
+longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my uniform in a public
+restaurant, without any reserve. In consequence they'd only let me eat
+three-and-sixpence worth for my first meal. This time I was not so clever,
+it appeared, as I thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a
+civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got less, and so
+it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that I fell in for home. If
+I'd known I should have kept my waterproof on for luncheon.
+
+Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be separated from our own
+by a High Sea all these months and years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply
+ain't fair. In my case there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a
+son amongst sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing
+good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool who thinks all
+his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I should be the very first to
+notice and call attention to it. But he has not; dispassionately and from
+an entirely detached and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is
+about him an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different level
+from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half teeth I'm thinking
+of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and badly managed hairs which
+wander about at the back of his bald head and give him the look of a
+dissipated monk. It is just his intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in
+everything about him. Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout
+heart and an unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights
+those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt turn of
+speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer and a gentleman
+that he _is_ unique.
+
+Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many pleasant hours to be
+spent in discussing with my son the things which matter, I put on all my
+waterproofs, gave the porter a twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook
+for a shilling, even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for
+a franc, and hastened home.
+
+The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been long in the
+company of my wife before I discovered that Another had come between us. I
+had not been long with my son before I discovered who that Other was.... I
+determined to have it out with him at once. Feeling that the situation was
+one for tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at a
+disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with his infamy. I
+addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I told him I was well aware of
+his personal charm, but in this instance I was bound to comment
+unfavourably on the use he had made of it. The very last thing I had
+expected of him was that at, or indeed before, the early age of one he
+would be stealing the affections of another man's wife.
+
+He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even embarrassed by his
+immediate environment. In fact he turned it to his own advantage, for his
+hairs, duly watered and soaped down on to his cranium, lost their rakish
+look and gave him the appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great
+intellect and no little financial stability. As between one man and
+another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion, gave me to
+understand, with a jovial smile, that such little incidents must always be
+expected as long as humanity remains human, and repudiated all personal
+responsibility in this instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it
+was the woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and his
+only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly to repel her
+advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at the attitude he adopted;
+it consisted in putting his foot in one half of his mouth and breathing
+stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started making eyes at
+the nurse I was too shocked to stay any longer.
+
+Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the next morning
+for my revenge. As the trustee of his future wealth I had him in my power.
+Stepping across to the nearest bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in
+his name and passed it all on to the Government, then and there, to be
+spent, _inter alia_, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to his face
+that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made? He merely called for a
+drink.
+
+However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to France I seized
+the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and there took back from the
+Government for my own sole and absolute use some of those very pounds my
+son had borrowed from the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my
+wife, whom I had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all
+the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my son's
+money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The only result of my
+efforts therefore was to land me in a financial transaction so complicated
+that I cannot even follow it myself.
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shocked Sister_. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A SECOND
+HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."
+
+[_Bobby, like a true Briton, desists._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XX.
+
+MILLWALL.
+
+  I leaned on the Mill-Wall
+    Looking at the water,
+  I leaned on the Mill-Wall
+    And saw the Nis's Daughter.
+
+  I saw the Nis's Daughter
+    Playing with her ball,
+  She tossed it and tossed it
+    Against the Mill-Wall.
+
+  I saw the Nis's Goodwife
+    Busy making lace
+  With her silver bobbins
+    In the Mill-Race.
+
+  Then I saw the old Nis,
+    His hair to his heel,
+  Combing out the tangles
+    On the Mill-Wheel.
+
+  The Miller came behind me
+    And gave my ear a clout--
+  "Get on with your business,
+    You good-for-nothing lout!"
+
+XXI.
+
+CORNHILL.
+
+  The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The seed of the Corn is sown;
+  When the seed is sown on the Cornhill
+    My love will ask for his own.
+
+  The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The blade of the Corn is shown;
+  When the blade is shown on the Cornhill
+    I'll promise my love his own.
+
+  The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The ear of the Corn is grown;
+  When the ear is grown on the Cornhill
+    My love shall have his own.
+
+  The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The sheaf of the Corn is mown;
+  When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill
+    My love will leave his own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF OUR OPTIMISTS.
+
+    "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state
+    price."--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the Council of
+    Empire after the party had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd
+    course."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to grant
+    sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular
+    personnel."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+II.
+
+Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than
+me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in
+the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the
+little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence.
+Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and
+their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down
+with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
+lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it
+were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's
+that we had a better time in store.
+
+"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the
+billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle
+'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If
+'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I
+says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."
+
+"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready
+and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her
+could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth
+before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw
+on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get
+used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a
+draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."
+
+It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to
+toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_
+thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered
+terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
+you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you
+direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters,
+and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."
+
+Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs.
+Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a
+doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in
+the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew.
+I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at
+present, he was feelin' a little easier.
+
+She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out
+beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she
+said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for
+yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow
+to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
+fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to
+light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it
+ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."
+
+We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it
+made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day
+for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em.
+
+One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if
+she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me
+better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she
+said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew
+on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you
+learn 'ow to do it the better."
+
+We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but
+when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a
+clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and
+a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."
+
+When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but
+she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over
+there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the
+rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be
+without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be
+sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more."
+
+It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs.
+Larkins's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be
+    content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from
+    all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is
+    asked for is the sacrifice of anæsthetic requirements, in view of
+    national need."--_East Anglian Daily Times_.
+
+If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and
+we must insist on an anæsthetic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.
+
+          _COMFORT AND JOY'S_
+       New Books for the Million.
+
+   ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,
+      THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.
+                  6/-
+
+A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly
+adorable Countess, her four husbands and her
+ultimate conversion to Tolstoianism. Please
+write for scenario, with Author's portrait in
+hygienic costume and sandals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+       MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,
+              FAREWELL, VIRTUE.
+                    6/-
+
+Lovers of _In Quest of Crime_ will not fail to be
+enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian
+            self-expression.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_By the Author of_ "_The Little Oilcan_,"
+        MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.
+            BY JIMBO JONES.
+
+First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of
+             any Dustman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+        THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.
+          THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,
+          BY ALEXANDER TRIPE
+     (Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").
+_The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!_
+
+"Verax," in _The Daily Lyre_, says, "This is
+a colossally cerebral book. By the side of
+Tripe, Balzac is a bungling beginner and Zola
+a finicking dilettante."
+
+_The Manxman_ says: "A wonderful panorama
+of the life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince;
+with full details of his wardrobe, his taste in
+liqueurs, his emotions and dissipations....
+Simply must be read by anyone who wishes
+to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the
+luscious."
+
+Mr. John Pougher writes in _Saturn_:--
+"Tripe is the most nourishing author I know.
+To adapt Dickens's famous phrase, there is a
+juiciness in his work which would enchant a
+scavenger."
+
+2/- _net or three copies for_ 5/- _and four_
+     (_with 1 lb. of sugar_) _for_ 6/-
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+             GENERAL LITERATURE.
+                  --------
+            WAS MILTON A MORMON?
+              BY FLAMMA BELL.
+    A book for polygamists of all ages.
+
+1/- _net, or_ 1/9 _with 1 lb. of margarine_.
+
+             LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.
+           BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.
+
+How to be happy though unwashed. National
+           thrift in a nutshell.
+
+_With portrait of the Author in black-and-white_.
+                1/- _net._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+         INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.
+                  --------
+           IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM
+
+(_With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut
+             with HINDENBURG_).
+
+             IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.
+
+           IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.
+
+           IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT
+                 BUDA-PESTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Neutral Waiter_. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS LANGUAGE.
+ZAT OFFICER--I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING, 'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY
+AND FED OP'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+    [The management of _The Times_, of which the price was raised on Monday
+    to twopence, is anxious, in view of the paper famine, to restore the
+    old custom by which this journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned,
+    whether gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal. Having
+    "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the circulation of each
+    copy in several houses daily, the managers will not hesitate, as a last
+    resort, to increase the selling price to sevenpence per copy."]
+
+_From_ "_The Evening Uproar_."
+
+BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.
+
+Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this afternoon.
+Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed middle-aged man, at present
+unidentified, was observed stealing cautiously from the Tube station with a
+thick wad of Treasury notes in one hand and _a copy of "The Times" in the
+other!_ The sight of this latter seems to have sent several passers-by
+completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly set upon, his journal
+torn from his hand and his limbs very severely mauled. The Treasury notes,
+unremarked in the fearful _mélée_, fell into the mud and were devoured by a
+passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless document were in
+turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly Circus became a battlefield.
+The deplorable behaviour of motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to
+the carnage, for these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot
+within their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething mass
+of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable treasure. No
+official estimate of the casualties is yet to hand.
+
+_Stop Press_.--Reason to believe unknown archdeacon got away West with part
+of sheet of "Finance and Commerce." Police, specials, military and
+fire-brigade now in pursuit.
+
+_From the Press generally_.
+
+AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.
+
+At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an unread and unsoiled
+copy of yesterday's _Times_. The donor of this superb gift desires to
+remain anonymous, but his incredible generosity is expected to benefit
+charity to the extent of several thousand pounds.
+
+_From_ "_The New Britain_."
+
+SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.
+
+A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice of the Rag and
+Bones Controller. A copy of _The Times_ (including the Uruguay Supplement
+of 94 pages), issued four months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R.
+and B. Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of col.
+1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire household then read
+from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108. Baron Goldenschein tells us that
+his cook with difficulty could be persuaded to tear herself away from the
+Uruguay Supplement. All the tenants on the estate--some eighty souls--then
+enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting it to relatives in various
+parts of the United Kingdom. At the end of three months it is estimated
+that over one thousand persons had read this copy of _The Times_. The Baron
+also informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper from
+remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments have been collected
+and pasted together the whole will be despatched to those residents in the
+Isle of Man who have never heard of _The Times_.
+
+_From_ "_The Wiggleswick Weekly_":--
+
+IMPORTANT NOTICE.
+
+From Monday next the price of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ (with which is
+incorporated _The Bindleton Advertiser_ and _The Swashborough Gazette_)
+will be 17_s._ 6_d._ per copy. If this--the forty-seventh--increase in
+price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation we shall
+unhesitatingly advance the price to £1 9_s._ 5-3/4_d._ per copy. The
+management of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ is determined, at no matter what
+sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an ecclesiastical magazine:--
+
+    "The Vicar of ---- has promised to address our branch of the C.E.M.S.
+    as soon as he can arrange a fine and moonlight evening."
+
+We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would let us have
+the prescription. There should be money in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor's Wife_. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE DOCTOR
+AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO MAKE UP THE BOOKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME MORE BAD WORDS.
+
+  In a recent verse adventure
+    I compiled "a little list"
+  Of the verbs deserving censure,
+   Verbs that "never would be missed";
+  Now, to flatter the fastidious,
+    Suffer me the work to crown
+  With three epithets--all hideous--
+    And one noisome noun.
+
+  First, to add to the recital
+    Of the words that gall and irk,
+  Is the old offender "vital,"
+    Done to death by overwork;
+  Only a prolonged embargo
+    On its use by Press and pen
+  Can recall this kind of _argot_
+    Back to life again.
+
+  I, in days not very distant,
+    Though the memory gives me pain,
+  From the awful word "insistent"
+    Did not utterly refrain;
+  Once it promised to refresh us,
+    Seemed to be alert enough;
+  Now I loathe it, laboured, precious--
+    Merely verbal fluff.
+
+  Thirdly, in the sheets that daily
+    Cater for our vulgar needs,
+  There's a word that figures gaily
+    In reviewers' friendly screeds,
+  Who declare a book's "arresting,"
+    Mostly, it must be confessed,
+  Meaning just the problem-questing
+    Which deserves arrest.
+
+  Last and vilest of this bad band
+    Is that noun of gruesome sound,
+  "Uplift," which the clan of _Chadband_
+    Hold in reverence profound;
+  Used for a dynamic function
+    'Tis a word devoid of guile,
+  Only as connoting unction
+    It excites my bile.
+
+  _Why, fastidious poetaster,
+    Waste your energy and breath
+  Like a petulant schoolmaster
+    Only doing words to death?
+  Needlessly you slate and scourge us;
+    War, that sifts and tries and tests,
+  May be safely left to purge us
+    Of these verbal pests._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+England, February, 1917.--"The great loan land."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST THROW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 12th_.--Question-time, which towards the end of last
+Session was extended by a quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old
+limits. Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the reason,
+but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at the disappearance
+of what was often a _triste quart d'heure_. One can easily have a surfeit
+of the piquant humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the _Rosa
+Dartles_ of the House.
+
+The new Administration received some useful support from an unexpected
+quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps, by the discovery that he
+had been a trifle of 350 millions out in his Budget estimate of the cost of
+the War, was fain to rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of
+Credit on one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some
+dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a General
+Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that exactly the same thing
+had been done this time last year when Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the
+Exchequer.
+
+"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited lieutenant, who
+thereupon went off on another tack and proceeded to express doubts as to
+the wisdom of over-sea expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate.
+"Why did you go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway.
+As Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House nor the
+country will stand much criticism of the new Government by members of the
+old one.
+
+_Tuesday, February 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD, in latter days heard with
+difficulty in the House of Commons, has found his voice again in the ampler
+air of the Gilded Chamber. His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril
+and how to defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the
+far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord LYTTON, who,
+though not exactly a typical British tar in appearance, has evidently
+absorbed a full measure of the sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the
+exact nature of the steps that are being taken to deal with the
+sea-highwaymen, he made the comforting announcement that already we had
+achieved very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON, who
+revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member of the Board of
+Admiralty, and was able to state that, after two years of "frightfulness,"
+the British mercantile marine was only a small fraction below its tonnage
+at the commencement.
+
+The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over which so many
+Parliamentary battles have been fought, were swept away in a moment this
+afternoon when Captain BATHURST announced in his usual level tones that
+British farmers would in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as
+little compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the
+sacredness of close-time.
+
+After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject to the opinion
+of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a pheasant-proprietor,
+Members took a little time to recover their breath. But some of them were
+soon hard at work again heckling the Government over the multiplication of
+new departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose reverence for
+the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds,
+could hardly contain his fury at the setting up of a War Cabinet--"a body
+utterly unknown to the law"--and the inclusion therein of Ministers without
+portfolios but with salaries.
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT PUSH. CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH.]
+
+He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from Mr. RUNCIMAN
+and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten what happened to Mr.
+MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a distinguished Member of a Government
+under which both the Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in
+peace-time to unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from
+complaining that under the present _régime_ the Administration had been
+further magnified until, if all its members, including Under-Secretaries,
+were present, they would fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already
+it is a much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene of
+a Great Push.
+
+If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they would draw the
+PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private room, it was doomed to
+disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting his position as Leader of the
+House, and not, as some people seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S
+deputy, made a spirited defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as
+being essential for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents,
+if they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to move a
+Vote of Censure.
+
+At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to discover the
+emblems on the new Treasury Note--the rose, the thistle, the shamrock and
+the daffodil (this last for Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is
+rarely to be descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.
+
+_Wednesday, February 14th_.--To-day the Vice-Chamberlain of the Household
+bore a message from the KING in reply to the Address. The House on these
+occasions is apt to be less interested in the message than in the
+messenger, and watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march
+from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The present
+holder of the office does his work so featly and with such obvious
+enjoyment as to give a new significance to the phrase ... "With nods and
+BECKS and wreathèd smiles."
+
+Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a bloodthirsty
+and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for Sir JOHN REES to find a
+redeeming feature in his character. Among all his crimes, he never, it
+seems, prohibited the consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy
+that his own efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available
+for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma into a
+"dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than that he declined
+(very properly) to take THEBAW as his model.
+
+No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD NORTHCOTE'S time has
+occupied a more difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily
+becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture upon a joke or
+two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the
+ground, _inter alia_, that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr.
+LAW suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the House,
+which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S frequent and acidulated
+interposition, noted his discomfiture with approving cheers.
+
+_Thursday, February 15th_.--Lord CURZON, in a happy phrase, described the
+late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident about powers which were in excess of the
+ordinary." Is not that true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under
+the stress of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and
+strength of its latent forces.
+
+There are, of course, exceptions to this rule--strong men who are fully
+conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON, for example, who sought a
+comprehensive return of all the buildings commandeered and staffs employed
+by the multifarious new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would
+put too great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to
+winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would give him
+access to their books he would draw up a return in a couple of days. Either
+the evil has been greatly exaggerated or Lord MIDLETON is a
+super-statistician for whose services another hotel or two ought to be
+immediately secured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT CORPORAL, SERGEANT."
+
+_Sergeant_. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR; HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker; 10s."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been sunk by
+    submarines twice, and in some cases three times."--_Manchester
+    Guardian._
+
+If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not have happened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Matrimony.--Gentleman coming into means desires to correspond with
+    Lady having means; this is genuine."--_Scotch Paper_.
+
+But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into means" then?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.
+
+What are a rational nation's national rations?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and abroad to
+    preparation for the campaign in the spring. Actually, a great deal of
+    water has passed under the Thames."--_Liverpool Paper._
+
+Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at Liverpool:--
+
+    "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A voice, 'I hope
+    not.') Yes, there would be parties--no free country with free
+    institutions was ever without them--but he did not think they would be
+    quite the sane parties."--_The Times_.
+
+But were they ever?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper 'A Nap' has
+    been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for publishing an article
+    the contents of which were considered to be dangerous to the interests
+    of the war campaign."--_Westminster Gazette_.
+
+We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty regularly of an
+evening, and must now forgo this simple luxury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Giles_. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE TO THE LIKES O' WE,
+MEASTER."
+
+_Farmer_. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER? AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"
+
+_Giles_. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN'
+WELL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF DETACHMENT.
+
+(_Being a letter from a cloistered lady visiting London to her sister in
+the Shires._)
+
+My dear Ruth,--Beginning at the beginning, let me tell you that you must at
+once go to the station to inquire how it is that they forced me to pay
+thirty shillings for my ticket, instead of one pound. Although the price
+one pound is printed on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten
+shillings extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want
+you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in the
+booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see the
+station-master about it.
+
+The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas of London are
+wrong. You remember how we used to be told about its wonderful lighting at
+night, and the comfort of its hotels, and the bright shops, and the crowds
+of taxis, and so on. Well, this isn't true at all. So far from being
+well-lighted, I assure you that our few little streets and market square
+are a blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely dark,
+and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little light that crossing
+the road is most perilous. The thing could be put right in a moment if they
+would only see to it that the lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at
+several of them and I could see exactly what was wrong--a coat of grimy
+stuff has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be quite
+easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to do it. I suppose
+that London is very badly managed; and here again I think the advantage
+lies with us, for I am certain that our District Council would never allow
+such a state of things. Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.
+
+The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only they don't know
+how to apply it. Every night, directly it begins to be dark, great streams
+of light are turned on from all parts of the city; but would you believe
+it, they are directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the
+street, but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District
+Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would tell him.
+
+Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the Jerusalem Hotel,
+but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel people why the central heating
+was not on, they said that there is no coal. At least it seems that there
+is coal, but no one to deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant
+returning such a reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in
+London they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men who
+ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't imagine. Anyhow, as I
+was freezing, I moved into lodgings, where there is coal, although an
+exorbitant price is asked for each scuttle.
+
+The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new speculation
+called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as it is so well spoken of
+and is to pay the large dividend of 5-1/4 per cent. I have arranged to invest
+something for each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter--a Mr. BONAR
+LAW--is, but it would be awful for us if he turned out to be a JABEZ
+BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all investment is a gamble, and we can
+only hope for the best. He must have some peculiar position or the papers
+would not support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of
+public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his prospectus as
+their text and literally imploring the people to invest. Quite like the
+South Sea Bubble we read of in MACAULAY; but please Heaven it won't turn
+out to be another.
+
+I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing, except that her
+family could not afford to put anything in. "But your daughters earn very
+good money," I said. "That's true," she replied, "but all that they have
+over after their clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the
+pictures; and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them
+their pleasures, not I."
+
+Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of entertainment in
+this city there are millions who are like them. But I couldn't help
+thinking that if so much money seems really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW
+is really a public benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert
+some of the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone for
+sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to be at war most
+of these places would naturally be shut up.
+
+By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just now. I have
+heard numbers of people, all in different places, such as the Tube and
+omni-buses and tea-shops, using very strong terms about them. It has been
+quite a series of coincidences.
+
+No more for the present from
+
+Your affectionate
+
+LOUISA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS."
+
+"I DON'T WANT TO."
+
+"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT ONCE."
+
+"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE GERMANS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+III.
+
+  Tub-swill, tub-swill! _have_ you any tub-swill?
+    I will send my footman to fetch it, if I may;
+  For I'm hoping _all_ the restaurants and all the nicest clubs will
+    Give me broken victuals, if I send for them each day;
+        In the Park, in Piccadilly,
+          Down at Ascot, in the Shires,
+        We've been up in terms like "filly,"
+          "Dams" and "sires,"
+          "Smooths" and "wires;"
+        Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars"
+        And it's "suckers" and it's "stores"--
+          The terms that one acquires
+        Now we're keeping pigs to pay.
+
+  Hog-wash, hog-wash! _are_ you selling hog-wash
+    In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic spray?
+  Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog wash;
+    In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's holding sway.
+        Oh, indeed, it's _worse_ than silly
+          If a person now admires
+        An inedible young filly,
+          Dams and sires,
+          Smooths and wires;
+        For in gilts and in boars
+        And in suckers and in stores
+          Proper keenness one acquires
+        Now we're keeping pigs to pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the Austrian
+    Emperor a Field-Marshal.
+
+    The material damage done was insignificant."--_Glasgow Evening Times_.
+
+But the moral effect was tremendous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "More Food.--Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase stock open-air
+    pig-farm."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much about.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OXFORD REVISITED.
+
+  Last week, a prey to military duty,
+    I turned my lagging footsteps to the West;
+  I have a natural taste for scenic beauty,
+    And all my pent emotions may be guessed
+      To find myself again
+    At Didcot, loathliest junction of the plain.
+
+  But all things come unto the patient waiter,
+    "Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous blue
+  Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater
+    Almost exactly as they used to do
+      In 1898,
+    When I became an undergraduate.
+
+  "O joys whereto I went as to a bridal,
+    With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a brow
+  That no amount of culture (herpecidal)
+    Will coax the semblance of a crop from now,
+      Once more I make ye mine;
+    There is a train that leaves at half-past nine.
+
+  "In a rude land where life among the boys is
+    One long glad round of cards and coffin juice,
+  And any sort of intellectual poise is
+    The constant butt of well-expressed abuse,
+      And it is no disgrace
+    To put a table-knife inside one's face,
+
+  "I have remembered picnics on the Isis,
+    Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and tea,
+  Nor ever dreamed a European crisis
+    Would make a British soldier out of me--
+      The mute inglorious kind
+    That push the beastly war on from behind.
+
+  "But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister
+    Are beckoning to me with the old allure;
+  The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster
+    Which I for one-and-ninepence can secure,
+      Reaching on Memory's wing
+    Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled spring."
+
+  But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion
+    The dreams that cheat the mind's responsive eye!
+  Where are the undergrads in gay profusion
+    Whose waistcoats made melodious the High,
+      All the _jeunesse dorée_
+    That shed the glamour of an elder day?
+
+  Can this be Oxford? And is that my college
+    That vomits khaki through its sacred gate?
+  Are those the schools where once I aired my knowledge
+    Where nurses pass and ambulances wait?
+      Ah! sick ones, pale of face,
+    I too have suffered tortures in that place!
+
+  In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish;
+    Balliol is bare of all but mild Hindoos;
+  The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish
+    Are in the trenches giving Fritz the Blues,
+      And many a stout D.D.
+    Is digging trenches with the V.T.C.
+
+  Why press the search when every hallowed close is
+    Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming fours;
+  While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his
+    Loud summons, and the hoarse bull-sergeant roars,
+      While almost out of view
+    The thrumming biplane cleaves the astonished blue?
+
+  It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet,
+    These splendid youths with zeal and courage fired,
+  But as for Private Me, M.A.--why, blow it!
+    The very sight of soldiers makes me tired;
+      Learning--detached, apart--
+    I sought, not War's reverberating art.
+
+  Yain search! But see! One ancient institution
+    Still doing business at the same old stand;
+  'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian,
+    That erst dispensed my slender cash-in-hand;
+      I'll borrow of their pelf
+    And buy some War Loan to console myself.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT INVESTMENT.
+
+I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an indemnity of
+£2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a tenner or so because the KAISER
+has done so much to beautify our banks. Once they were cold cheerless
+places. A suspicion of an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love
+to go to the bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads
+bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they were not
+looking up the details of my account I should be perfectly happy.
+
+Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5-1/4 per cent. by borrowing
+money from my bank at five per cent. This seemed to be the kind of
+investment I had been looking for. I found that if I took a million on
+those terms I should draw a net income of £2,500 a year. But I am a
+patriot. It seemed to me that £2,500 a year was rather more than I was
+worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of course I might
+be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I resolved to avoid greed and ask
+for a simple hundred thousand.
+
+So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type of beauty, "I
+want to see the manager, please. Concerning an important investment in War
+Loan," I added hastily, fearing lest the damsel should conclude that I
+wanted an ordinary overdraft.
+
+I was ushered into the manager's private room.
+
+"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you advance money at
+five per cent. to make the purchase."
+
+"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming.
+
+I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch somewhere.
+
+"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said.
+
+The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear Sir," he gasped,
+"have you any prospect of being able to save a hundred thousand during the
+next year or so?"
+
+"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I should be both
+surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a year. Still I might do it,
+you know. I should have to give up tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations
+hitherto unknown to me died and left me handsome legacies. You are always
+seeing these things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost
+Australian Uncle.'"
+
+"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred? You need not pay
+a deposit. I'll give you a form."
+
+"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say? Well, I decline
+your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash."
+
+I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the blonde, brown and
+auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred thousand in War Loan. I had
+imagined their eyes gleaming at the spectacle of one-tenth of a
+millionaire.
+
+And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I have worked up my
+balance a little above its present total, namely £2 _1s. 9d._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Instructor_ (_to very nervous lady, who, with a view to
+war-work, is inquiring about tuition_). "OF COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A
+LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40--50, AND FINISH YOU
+OFF IN TRAFFIC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+_If Wishes were Horses_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of the most engaging
+novels that I have met for some time. The matter of it, perhaps, is nothing
+very new: a story of expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the
+writer, Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift of
+making you believe in her people. All the characters are vigorously alive.
+The result is that one follows with quite unusual interest the chequered
+career of her central figure, _Martin Leffley_, from his introduction as a
+frankly unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he
+always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P., and,
+incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the wonderful devotion of
+_Rose_, the wife whom throughout the tale he has bullied and undervalued.
+Nor is _Rose_ herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less
+memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to _Aunt Polly_,
+the kindly dealer in old clothes, who imagined the Savile to be a night
+club. But, as I say, the whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I
+fear for the story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a
+super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the paths of
+melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the unexpected beauty and
+dignity of the closing chapter would have redeemed a more serious lapse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Forced to Fight_ (HEINEMANN) is the record of a Schleswig Dane set forth
+by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably translated from the Danish by INGEBORG
+LUND. It is a book that with a singular skill and with a passion that never
+gets out of hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration
+lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of Liége, fought in
+Flanders, then on the Russian Front and again in the Argonne, whence a
+shattered elbow sent him home broken and _aged_--that is what his
+chronicler emphasises--not by the wound, but by the long horror and fatigue
+of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his sufferings lay in the
+fact that as a Dane he went without any of the great hopes and passions
+that inspired his German comrades, of whom however he speaks with no
+ill-will. He took part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian
+villages, loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that
+the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world will remember
+to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You get an impression of the
+added horror of this War for the imaginative temperamental, and some
+pathetic pictures of all the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven
+people on the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to the
+splendour of world-dominion--a vision of desolate homes and countrysides
+empty of all but very old men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The first lines of _Still Life_ (CONSTABLE), which begins in "the night
+train from the German frontier to Paris," gave me much the same impression
+of impossibility (was there ever such a train?) that I should have felt
+about a story that opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to
+some, different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess that
+Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps may admire the
+pains lavished by the author in analysing the emotions of a group of
+characters whose temperaments certainly give him every opportunity for this
+exercise. An impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have
+(reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way through the plot;
+first in Paris--where you may make a shrewd guess at his
+pre-occupations--then in an English village, to which he has eloped with
+the wife of a friend; in France again, and so on. The emotions to which
+these amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with a care
+that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique nineties than anything
+belonging to these more vigorous days. I am far from suggesting that, as a
+study in super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed scenes
+of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it is out of date, or (I
+should perhaps better say) conspicuously out of harmony with the present
+time. But if you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another
+matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should preserve this book on
+some shelf not too accessible by those who are still young enough to
+overestimate its importance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from the new Haymarket
+play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part author, to what I suppose was
+the last story he ever wrote, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ (MILLS AND
+BOON), which begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It
+begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I regret to add,
+than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home from the theatre, the girl
+whose companion she was, pleading fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to
+a masked ball, wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her
+mistress. The two girls, _Ruth_, the heroine, and _Damia_, lived in a
+gloomy house with old _Mr. Verinder_, who was _Damia's_ guardian. But when
+_Ruth_ returned from the ball she found that this arrangement no longer
+held good, _Verinder_ having been melodramatically stabbed during her
+absence. And as no one knew, or would ever believe, that it was _Damia_ and
+not herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty gambit of
+intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension is not quite
+sustained, partly because the characters all behave in an increasingly
+foolish and improbable fashion (even for tales of this genre); partly
+because there is never sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of
+course, _Damia_) who really killed _Verinder_. Still, of its kind, as the
+sort of shocker that used to be valued at a shilling, but appears, like
+everything else, to have risen in price, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ is
+fairly up to the average. I fancy her profits might have been greater
+before the discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the
+environment for which she is best fitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The Bodley Head I have
+no doubt that _Canada Chaps_ will be welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs.
+SIME will not mind my saying that the best of her tales are those which
+have more to do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and
+of fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring quite
+true. It is just the difference between the soldier telling his own artless
+and rugged tale and someone else telling it for him with a touch of
+artifice. But when the author merely uses the War as her background she
+writes with real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do
+the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have guessed that
+they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne Michelle" and "The King's
+Gift," for instance, are true gems, and they are offered to you at the
+price of paste. Nowhere will you find a better bargain for your shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELEN MACKAY, in _A Journal of Small Things_ (MELROSE), sets before us
+with, it might seem, almost too deliberate simplicity of idiom little
+scenes and remembered reflections of her days in France since the July of
+the terrible year. An American to whom France has come to be her adopted
+and most tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things, chiefly
+sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or by the wayside or in
+the houses of the simple and the great, shadowed alike by the all-embracing
+desolation of the War. The writer has a singular power of selecting the
+significant details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty
+and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book. Less happy
+perhaps and much less in the picture are the episodes learnt only at second
+hand and suggesting the technique and unreality of the imagined short
+story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRICELESS PLUMBER--AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW.
+
+_Troubled Householder (writing)._ "THERE IS A SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR
+WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR
+ESTEEMED SERVICES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:--
+
+    "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for insomnia."--_News
+    of the World._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CENSOR ABROAD.
+
+    "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's Court is
+    held in a room about upteen feet long by about upteen feet
+    wide."--_East African Standard._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."--_Advt. in South African Paper._
+
+This "Money Back" seems a new disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article in the _Berliner Tageblatt_ descriptive of life on the
+Western Front:--
+
+    "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad one would be
+    of a thaw in the trenches. But then the accursed time will come again
+    when the whole surface of Northern France sticks to the boot of the
+    German soldier."--_The Times._
+
+Our brave police must look to their laurels.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol.
+152, February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14767 ***
diff --git a/14767-h/14767-h.htm b/14767-h/14767-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5df24ab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/14767-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2294 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" />
+
+    <title>Punch, February 21st, 1917.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    p                    {text-align: justify;}
+    p.center             {text-align: center;}
+    p.author             {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;}
+    blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+    pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+
+    hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+    html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+    hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+    html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+    hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+    html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+    hr.shorter           {text-align: center; width: 10%;}
+    html>body hr.shorter   {margin-right: 45%; margin-left: 45%; width: 10%;}
+
+    .note
+    {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
+    .poem
+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i16          {margin-left: 8em;}
+
+    .advert
+    {margin-left:20%; margin-right:20%;}
+    .advert p
+    {text-align: center;}
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+    .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+    .figcenter p.i16     {text-indent: 8em;}
+    .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+    .figright            {float: right;}
+    .figleft             {float: left;}
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14767 ***</div>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 21st, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page117"
+       id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the
+    way in which certain Americans are supporting President WILSON,
+    and he decided to read them a lesson they would not soon
+    forget. So he left America.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only
+    two shots were fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last
+    week.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in
+    the despatches from Kut is again in the hands of our troops.
+    Bronchial subjects who have been confining themselves to black
+    currant lozenges on patriotic grounds will welcome the
+    news.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that
+    owners of garments "bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will
+    not be permitted to replace them, and the demand among the
+    elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured waistcoats is said
+    to have already reached unprecedented figures.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"On the Western front," says <i>The Cologne Gazette</i>,
+    "the British are defeated." Some complaints are being made by
+    the Germans on the spot because they have not yet been
+    officially notified of the fact.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice
+    to a colleague in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be
+    on the look-out for the rice, intends to defeat their hopes by
+    substituting confetti.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of
+    rice at weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a
+    deterrent the stuff is useless.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The British," says the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>, "what are
+    they? They are snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking,
+    snuffling, vain-glorious wallowers in misery...." It is thought
+    likely that the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> is vexed with us.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons,
+    will not attend. It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that
+    the punishment is no more severe than the House deserves.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber
+    sufficient extension to carry out a large repair job he had in
+    hand. This has caused some consternation among those who
+    imagined that the War would end this year.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as
+    extravagant by a lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own
+    household we hardly eat any bread at all. We practically live
+    on toast."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs
+    now arriving are nearly all brown and resemble those laid in
+    this country by the Cochin China fowl. This, however, is not
+    the only graceful concession to British prejudice, for the
+    eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so popular in
+    these islands.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/117.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/117.png"
+             alt="Pro Patria." /></a>
+
+        <h4>PRO PATRIA.</h4>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An <i>Evening News</i> correspondent states that at one
+    restaurant last week a man consumed "a large portion of beef,
+    baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts, two big platefuls of bread,
+    apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of pats of butter and
+    a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have
+    ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the
+    band was playing it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one
+    "Food Hog" had for luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices
+    of roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, two vegetables and a
+    roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course the busy City man's
+    substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon nap.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for
+    those who are willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of
+    quantities of one ton or over should also bring their own paper
+    and string.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is
+    reported to have been seen in the Eastern counties during the
+    recent cold spell. In answer to a telephonic inquiry on the
+    matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological Gardens, was heard to
+    murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying
+    smoking materials into a munitions factory, explained in
+    defence that no locker had been assigned to him. The Bench
+    thereupon placed one at his disposal for a period of one
+    month.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>On the Somme, says <i>The Times</i>, the New Zealand
+    Pioneers, consisting of Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug
+    13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under German fire. The really
+    thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted the sympathy
+    of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single exception
+    of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our
+    vast Imperial possessions.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not
+    be lowered for women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of
+    inquiries as to whether "language" is a compulsory or an
+    alternative subject.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them
+    with the skin," says the writer of a recently published letter
+    on "Sparrows as Food." He forgets the very considerable economy
+    which can be achieved by having them baked in their
+    jackets.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every
+    artisan dwelling. Only last week we were pained by a photograph
+    in a weekly paper showing somebody reduced to taking his tub in
+    the icy Serpentine.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Motto for Housekeepers:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WEIGH IT AND SEE."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>National Service.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>War has taught the truth that shines</p>
+
+            <p>Through the poet's noble lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Common are to either sex</p>
+
+            <p><i>Artifex</i> and <i>opifex</i>."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page118"
+       id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span>
+
+    <h2>WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Doubtless you feel that such a fight</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would be a huge <i>r&eacute;clame</i> for
+            Hundom;</p>
+
+            <p>That Earth would stagger at the sight</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of <i>Gulielmus contra Mundum;</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i4">That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,</p>
+
+            <p>Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>('Tis true you have Allies who share</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The toll you levy for the shambles,</p>
+
+            <p>Yet, judging by the frills you wear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In this your most forlorn of gambles,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">One might suppose you stood alone</p>
+
+            <p>In solitary splendour all your own.)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And if the game against you goes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As seems, I take it, fairly certain,</p>
+
+            <p>The Hero, felled by countless foes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Should make a rather useful curtain;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">You could with honour cry for grace,</p>
+
+            <p>Having preserved the thing you call your face.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I shouldn't count too much on that.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The globe is patient, slow and
+            pensive,</p>
+
+            <p>But has a way of crushing flat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The objects which it finds offensive;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And when it's done with you, my
+            brave,</p>
+
+            <p>I doubt if you will have a face to save.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+            <p class="center">O. S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A Lost Leader.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr.
+        Lloyd George."&mdash;<i>The Saturday Westminster
+        Gazette.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and
+    our contemporary has performed a genuine service in recording
+    this pathetic incident, which seems to have escaped all the
+    other reporters of the opening of Parliament.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his
+        father lived to be nearly a centurion."&mdash;<i>Wallasey
+        and Wirral Chronicle.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="center">"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        FLIGHT COMDRS.&mdash;Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to
+        retain his temp. tank whilst so empld."&mdash;<i>The
+        Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT
+    SPEED, in case the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now
+    being exhibited, should call for a second edition.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2&frac12; lb. of
+        meat, and &frac34; lb. of sugar&mdash;these are the
+        voluntary rations for each person for a week, and in a
+        household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of
+        bread and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of
+        sugar."&mdash;<i>Weekly Scotsman.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who
+    has the trick of it.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given,
+        buying for Government."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This may account for the statement in another journal that
+    "the new Administration is going through teething
+    troubles."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an
+    exhibition of original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake
+    of Australia at 155, New Bond Street, beginning on February
+    22nd. The cartoons are the work of Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and
+    CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne <i>Punch.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>The PRESIDENT of the United States and
+    Mr. GERARD.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> Here you are then at last, my dear Mr.
+    GERARD. I am afraid you have had a long and uncomfortable
+    journey.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Gerard.</i> Don't say a word about that, Mr.
+    President. It's all in the day's work, and, anyhow, it's an
+    immense pleasure to be back in one's own country.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> Yes, I can well believe that. Living
+    amongst Germans at this time can be no satisfaction to an
+    American citizen.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a
+    truer word than that in your life. The fact is the Germans have
+    all gone mad with self-esteem, and are convinced that every
+    criticism of their actions must have its foundations in envy
+    and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that, in spite
+    of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has
+    been an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer
+    it continues the worse their position becomes. The mixture of
+    these feelings makes them grossly arrogant and sensitive to the
+    last degree, and reasonable intercourse with them becomes
+    impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not pleasant people to
+    live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be away
+    from them.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> And as to their submarine warfare, do
+    they realise that we shall hold them to what they have
+    promised, and that if they persist in their policy of murder
+    there must be war between them and us?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> The certainty that you mean what you say has
+    but little effect on them. They argue in this way: Germany is
+    in difficulties; the submarine weapon is the only one that will
+    help Germany, therefore Germany must use that weapon ruthlessly
+    and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on behalf of
+    international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count
+    in the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German
+    uniform or look upon the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down,
+    therefore, with humanity and, incidentally, with America and
+    all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed to follow her
+    lead.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> So you think patience, moderation and
+    reasonable argument are all useless?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> See here, Mr. President, this is how the
+    matter stands. They imagine they can ruin England with their
+    submarines&mdash;they 're probably wrong, but that's their
+    notion&mdash;but if they give way to America this illegitimate
+    weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer
+    that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe
+    as yet that America means what she says and is determined to
+    fight rather than suffer these outrages to continue. The
+    Germans will try to throw dust in your eyes, Mr. President,
+    while continuing the submarine atrocities.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> The Germans will soon be undeceived.
+    We will not suffer this wrong, and we will fight, if need be,
+    in order to prevent it. God knows we have striven to keep the
+    peace through months and years of racking anxiety. If war comes
+    it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that reproach
+    upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to
+    avoid it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though
+    they may clash with German ambitions and German methods. There
+    we are fixed, and to give way even by an inch would be to
+    dishonour our country and to show ourselves unworthy of the
+    freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the sword.
+    That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these
+    matters with such power of judgment as God has given me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> And to that every true American will say
+    Amen.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page119"
+       id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/119.png"
+             alt="War-Savings." /></a>
+
+        <h3>WAR-SAVINGS.</h3>
+
+        <p>SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD
+        AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."</p>
+
+        <p>FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG
+        AS I SAVE MY HEAD."</p>
+
+        <p>SULTAN. "SAME HERE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page120"
+       id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/120.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/120.png"
+             alt="Home Defence." /></a>
+
+        <h4>HOME DEFENCE.</h4>
+
+        <p>"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"</p>
+
+        <p>
+        "PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-
+          INSECT-PEST-EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">LVI.</p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;The weather is very seasonable for
+    the time of year, is it not? A nice nip in the air, as you
+    might say; thoroughly healthy for those at liberty to enjoy it
+    <i>al fresco</i>. I assure you the opportunity is not being
+    wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the
+    time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed
+    to be the exact moment to slip over to England and help keep
+    the home fires burning.</p>
+
+    <p>Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I
+    got there an officer, who appeared to be looking for something,
+    asked me what my rank was. In peace times I should have loved a
+    little unexpected sympathy like this; as a soldier, quite an
+    old soldier now, I dislike people who take an interest in me,
+    especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him very
+    much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were
+    sealed. His curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he
+    was, he said, a man from whom it was impossible to keep a
+    secret. He still wished to know what my rank was. I said it all
+    depended which of them he was referring to, since there are
+    three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom
+    one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a
+    plain civilian mister. Should we leave it at that, and let
+    bygones be bygones? He was meditating his answer, when I asked
+    him if he realised how close he was standing to the edge of the
+    quay, and when he turned round and looked I also turned round
+    and went....</p>
+
+    <p>The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was
+    either too young or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an
+    ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat didn't need to ask him what his
+    rank was; he recognized at a glance just the very type of
+    officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow to
+    the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and
+    men proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow
+    spent the best part of his days on the other side trying to get
+    rid of his party. I have not been two years in France without
+    discovering that you simply cannot be too careful when you are
+    attempting to get out of it.</p>
+
+    <p>When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself
+    changed. I was no longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my
+    uniform in a public restaurant, without any reserve. In
+    consequence they'd only let me eat three-and-sixpence worth for
+    my first meal. This time I was not so clever, it appeared, as I
+    thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a
+    civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got
+    less, and so it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that
+    I fell in for home. If I'd known I should have kept my
+    waterproof on for luncheon.</p>
+
+    <p>Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be
+    separated from our own by a High Sea all these months and
+    years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply ain't fair. In my case
+    there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a son amongst
+    sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing
+    good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool
+    who thinks all his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I
+    should be the very first to notice and call attention to it.
+    But he has not; dispassionately and from an entirely detached
+    and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is about him
+    an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different
+    level from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half
+    teeth I'm thinking of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and
+    badly managed hairs which wander about at the back of his bald
+    head and give him the look of a dissipated monk. It is just his
+    intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in everything about him.
+    Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout heart and an
+    unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights
+    those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt
+    turn of speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer
+    and a gentleman that he <i>is</i> unique.</p>
+
+    <p>Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many
+    pleasant hours to be spent in discussing with my son the things
+    which matter, I put on all my waterproofs, gave the porter a
+    twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook for a shilling,
+    even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for a
+    franc, and hastened home.</p>
+
+    <p>The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been
+    long in the company of my wife before I discovered that Another
+    had come between us. I had not been long with my son before I
+    discovered who that Other was.... I determined to have it out
+    with him at once. Feeling that the situation was one for
+    tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at
+    a disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with
+    his infamy. I addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I
+    told him I was well aware of his personal charm, but in this
+    instance I was bound to comment unfavourably on the use he had
+    made of it. The very last thing I had expected of him was that
+    at, or indeed before, the early age of one he would be stealing
+    the affections of another man's wife.</p>
+
+    <p>He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even
+    embarrassed by his immediate environment. In fact he turned it
+    to his own advantage, for his hairs, duly watered and soaped
+    down on to his cranium, lost their rakish look and gave him the
+    appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great intellect
+    and no little financial stability. As between one man and
+    another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion,
+    gave me to understand, with a jovial smile, that such little
+    incidents must always be expected as long as humanity remains
+    human, and repudiated all personal responsibility in this
+    instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it was the
+    woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and
+    his only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly
+    to repel her advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at
+    the attitude he adopted; it consisted in putting his foot in
+    one half <span class="pagenum"><a name="page121"
+       id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> of his mouth and breathing
+       stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started
+       making eyes at the nurse I was too shocked to stay any
+       longer.</p>
+
+    <p>Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the
+    next morning for my revenge. As the trustee of his future
+    wealth I had him in my power. Stepping across to the nearest
+    bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in his name and passed
+    it all on to the Government, then and there, to be spent,
+    <i>inter alia</i>, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to
+    his face that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made?
+    He merely called for a drink.</p>
+
+    <p>However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to
+    France I seized the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and
+    there took back from the Government for my own sole and
+    absolute use some of those very pounds my son had borrowed from
+    the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my wife, whom I
+    had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all
+    the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my
+    son's money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The
+    only result of my efforts therefore was to land me in a
+    financial transaction so complicated that I cannot even follow
+    it myself.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours ever,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">HENRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/121.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/121.png"
+             alt="Oh, Bobby, you mustn't have a second helping!" />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Shocked Sister</i>. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A
+        SECOND HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."</p>
+
+        <p class="author">[<i>Bobby, like a true Briton,
+        desists.</i>]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(SECOND SERIES.)</p>
+
+    <p class="center">XX.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">MILLWALL.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I leaned on the Mill-Wall</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Looking at the water,</p>
+
+            <p>I leaned on the Mill-Wall</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And saw the Nis's Daughter.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I saw the Nis's Daughter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Playing with her ball,</p>
+
+            <p>She tossed it and tossed it</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the Mill-Wall.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I saw the Nis's Goodwife</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Busy making lace</p>
+
+            <p>With her silver bobbins</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the Mill-Race.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then I saw the old Nis,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His hair to his heel,</p>
+
+            <p>Combing out the tangles</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On the Mill-Wheel.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Miller came behind me</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And gave my ear a clout&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Get on with your business,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You good-for-nothing lout!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">XXI.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">CORNHILL.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The seed of the Corn is sown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the seed is sown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My love will ask for his own.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The blade of the Corn is shown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the blade is shown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll promise my love his own.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The ear of the Corn is grown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the ear is grown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My love shall have his own.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sheaf of the Corn is mown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My love will leave his own.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>One of our Optimists.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state
+        price."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the
+        Council of Empire after the party had pledged itself to
+        eschew a retrograd course."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening
+        Chronicle</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to
+        grant sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and
+        Consular personnel."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this
+    hyphenated article.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page122"
+       id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">II.</p>
+
+    <p>Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a
+    billet better than me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you,
+    give us the best of everything in the 'ouse and our lives
+    wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the little
+    Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in
+    consekence. Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we
+    was given one apiece and their end of the table had next to
+    nothin' on when ours was weighed down with sausages and
+    suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
+    lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues
+    out. But it were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was
+    moved to Mrs. Larkins's that we had a better time in store.</p>
+
+    <p>"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she
+    said to the billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody
+    wouldn't like to coddle 'em better than I should, but 'twould
+    be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If 'ardships are in store
+    for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I says, and it
+    won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."</p>
+
+    <p>"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to
+    sleep on ready and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who
+    with a woman's heart in her could put you on a feather bed
+    knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth before three weeks
+    is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw on the
+    floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall
+    get used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom
+    to make a draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind
+    over there."</p>
+
+    <p>It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim.
+    He's inclined to toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as
+    big as a football. "I <i>am</i> thankful I thought of the
+    winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered terrible if
+    you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
+    you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster
+    'ud ease you direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such
+    things as pepper plasters, and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste
+    the luxury of one over 'ere."</p>
+
+    <p>Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took
+    out, but Mrs. Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow,"
+    she said, "do you think a doctor'll come along with his
+    pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in the trenches?
+    You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew. I'll
+    lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her
+    just at present, he was feelin' a little easier.</p>
+
+    <p>She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn
+    you out beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a
+    second time," she said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness,
+    knowin' you'll be fendin' for yourselves in a 'ole in the
+    ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow to do it now.
+    There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
+    fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall
+    learn 'ow to light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the
+    saucepans out of your way; it ain't likely you'll 'ave
+    saucepans over there."</p>
+
+    <p>We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's.
+    She said it made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be
+    grateful to 'er one day for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels
+    for ourselves or go without 'em.</p>
+
+    <p>One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked
+    Mrs. Larkins if she would be so kind as to sew it on for him.
+    "Nothin' would please me better than to sew 'em all on, they're
+    mostly 'angin' by a thread," she said; "but do you expect to
+    find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew on your buttons?
+    You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you learn
+    'ow to do it the better."</p>
+
+    <p>We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our
+    other billets, but when the second Sunday come at Mrs.
+    Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a clean shirt we felt
+    obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and a
+    bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."</p>
+
+    <p>When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire
+    to dry; but she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire
+    to dry 'em by over there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em
+    wet." And when we got the rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet
+    shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be without it over there.
+    It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be sorry if I
+    see you limpin' a bit more."</p>
+
+    <p>It took us some time in the trenches to get over our
+    'ardenin' at Mrs. Larkins's.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of
+        paper to be content with lower shades of whiteness, and
+        generally to refrain from all demands that would interfere
+        with the desired economy. All that is asked for is the
+        sacrifice of an&aelig;sthetic requirements, in view of
+        national need."&mdash;<i>East Anglian Daily Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is
+    certainly painful and we must insist on an
+    an&aelig;sthetic.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="advert">
+        <h2>THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.</h2>
+
+        <h4><i>COMFORT AND JOY'S</i></h4>
+
+        <h4><b>New Books for the Million.</b></h4>
+
+        <p>ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,</p>
+
+        <p>THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.</p>
+
+        <h3>6/-</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly adorable
+            Countess, her four husbands and her ultimate conversion
+            to Tolstoianism. Please write for scenario, with
+            Author's portrait in hygienic costume and sandals.
+        </blockquote>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,</p>
+
+        <h4>FAREWELL, VIRTUE.</h4>
+
+        <h3>6/-</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            Lovers of <i>In Quest of Crime</i> will not fail to be
+            enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian
+            self-expression.
+        </blockquote>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p><i>By the Author of</i> "<i>The Little Oilcan</i>,"</p>
+
+        <h4>MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.</h4>
+
+        <p>BY JIMBO JONES.</p>
+
+        <p>First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of any
+        Dustman.</p>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.</p>
+
+        <h4>THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,</h4>
+
+        <p>BY ALEXANDER TRIPE</p>
+
+        <p>(Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!</i></p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            "Verax," in <i>The Daily Lyre</i>, says, "This is a
+            colossally cerebral book. By the side of Tripe, Balzac
+            is a bungling beginner and Zola a finicking
+            dilettante."
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <i>The Manxman</i> says: "A wonderful panorama of the
+            life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince; with full details
+            of his wardrobe, his taste in liqueurs, his emotions
+            and dissipations.... Simply must be read by anyone who
+            wishes to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the
+            luscious."
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            Mr. John Pougher writes in <i>Saturn</i>:&mdash;"Tripe
+            is the most nourishing author I know. To adapt
+            Dickens's famous phrase, there is a juiciness in his
+            work which would enchant a scavenger."
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><b>2/-</b> <i>net or three copies for</i> <b>5/-</b>
+        <i>and four</i> (<i>with 1 lb. of sugar</i>) <i>for</i>
+        <b>6/-</b></p>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>GENERAL LITERATURE.</p>
+        <hr class="shorter" />
+
+        <h4>WAS MILTON A MORMON?</h4>
+
+        <p>BY FLAMMA BELL.</p>
+
+        <p>A book for polygamists of all ages.</p>
+
+        <p><b>1/-</b> <i>net, or</i> <b>1/9</b> <i>with 1 lb. of
+        margarine</i>.</p>
+
+        <h4>LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.</h4>
+
+        <p>BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            How to be happy though unwashed. National thrift in a
+            nutshell.
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>With portrait of the Author in
+        black-and-white.</i><br />
+        <b>1/-</b> <i>net.</i></p>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.</p>
+        <hr class="shorter" />
+
+        <h4>IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM</h4>
+
+        <p>(<i>With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut with
+        HINDENBURG</i>).</p>
+
+        <h4>IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.</h4>
+
+        <h4>IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.</h4>
+
+        <h4>IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT BUDA-PESTH.</h4>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page123"
+       id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/123.png"
+             alt="I shall nevair onderstand zis language." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Neutral Waiter</i>. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS
+        LANGUAGE. ZAT OFFICER&mdash;I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING,
+        'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY AND FED OP'!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SIGNS OF THE TIMES.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [The management of <i>The Times</i>, of which the price was
+        raised on Monday to twopence, is anxious, in view of the
+        paper famine, to restore the old custom by which this
+        journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned, whether
+        gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal.
+        Having "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the
+        circulation of each copy in several houses daily, the
+        managers will not hesitate, as a last resort, to increase
+        the selling price to sevenpence per copy."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The Evening Uproar</i>."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.</p>
+
+    <p>Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this
+    afternoon. Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed
+    middle-aged man, at present unidentified, was observed stealing
+    cautiously from the Tube station with a thick wad of Treasury
+    notes in one hand and <i>a copy of "The Times" in the
+    other!</i> The sight of this latter seems to have sent several
+    passers-by completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly
+    set upon, his journal torn from his hand and his limbs very
+    severely mauled. The Treasury notes, unremarked in the fearful
+    <i>m&eacute;l&eacute;e</i>, fell into the mud and were devoured
+    by a passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless
+    document were in turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly
+    Circus became a battlefield. The deplorable behaviour of
+    motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to the carnage, for
+    these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot within
+    their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething
+    mass of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable
+    treasure. No official estimate of the casualties is yet to
+    hand.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Stop Press</i>.&mdash;Reason to believe unknown
+    archdeacon got away West with part of sheet of "Finance and
+    Commerce." Police, specials, military and fire-brigade now in
+    pursuit.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From the Press generally</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.</p>
+
+    <p>At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an
+    unread and unsoiled copy of yesterday's <i>Times</i>. The donor
+    of this superb gift desires to remain anonymous, but his
+    incredible generosity is expected to benefit charity to the
+    extent of several thousand pounds.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The New Britain</i>."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.</p>
+
+    <p>A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice
+    of the Rag and Bones Controller. A copy of <i>The Times</i>
+    (including the Uruguay Supplement of 94 pages), issued four
+    months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R. and B.
+    Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of
+    col. 1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire
+    household then read from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108.
+    Baron Goldenschein tells us that his cook with difficulty could
+    be persuaded to tear herself away from the Uruguay Supplement.
+    All the tenants on the estate&mdash;some eighty
+    souls&mdash;then enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting
+    it to relatives in various parts of the United Kingdom. At the
+    end of three months it is estimated that over one thousand
+    persons had read this copy of <i>The Times</i>. The Baron also
+    informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper
+    from remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments
+    have been collected and pasted together the whole will be
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page124"
+       id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> despatched to those
+       residents in the Isle of Man who have never heard of <i>The
+       Times</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The Wiggleswick
+    Weekly</i>":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="center">IMPORTANT NOTICE.</p>
+
+    <p>From Monday next the price of <i>The Wiggleswick Weekly</i>
+    (with which is incorporated <i>The Bindleton Advertiser</i> and
+    <i>The Swashborough Gazette</i>) will be 17<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>
+    per copy. If this&mdash;the forty-seventh&mdash;increase in
+    price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation
+    we shall unhesitatingly advance the price to &pound;1
+    9<i>s.</i> 5&frac34;<i>d.</i> per copy. The management of
+    <i>The Wiggleswick Weekly</i> is determined, at no matter what
+    sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>From an ecclesiastical magazine:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Vicar of &mdash;&mdash; has promised to address our
+        branch of the C.E.M.S. as soon as he can arrange a fine and
+        moonlight evening."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would
+    let us have the prescription. There should be money in it.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/124.png"
+             alt="So glad to see you out again." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Doctor's Wife</i>. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE
+        DOCTOR AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO
+        MAKE UP THE BOOKS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SOME MORE BAD WORDS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In a recent verse adventure</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I compiled "a little list"</p>
+
+            <p>Of the verbs deserving censure,</p>
+
+            <p>Verbs that "never would be missed";</p>
+
+            <p>Now, to flatter the fastidious,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Suffer me the work to crown</p>
+
+            <p>With three epithets&mdash;all hideous&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And one noisome noun.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>First, to add to the recital</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the words that gall and irk,</p>
+
+            <p>Is the old offender "vital,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Done to death by overwork;</p>
+
+            <p>Only a prolonged embargo</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On its use by Press and pen</p>
+
+            <p>Can recall this kind of <i>argot</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Back to life again.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I, in days not very distant,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though the memory gives me pain,</p>
+
+            <p>From the awful word "insistent"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Did not utterly refrain;</p>
+
+            <p>Once it promised to refresh us,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seemed to be alert enough;</p>
+
+            <p>Now I loathe it, laboured, precious&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Merely verbal fluff.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thirdly, in the sheets that daily</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cater for our vulgar needs,</p>
+
+            <p>There's a word that figures gaily</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In reviewers' friendly screeds,</p>
+
+            <p>Who declare a book's "arresting,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mostly, it must be confessed,</p>
+
+            <p>Meaning just the problem-questing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which deserves arrest.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Last and vilest of this bad band</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is that noun of gruesome sound,</p>
+
+            <p>"Uplift," which the clan of <i>Chadband</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hold in reverence profound;</p>
+
+            <p>Used for a dynamic function</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis a word devoid of guile,</p>
+
+            <p>Only as connoting unction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It excites my bile.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Why, fastidious poetaster,</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Waste your energy and breath</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Like a petulant schoolmaster</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Only doing words to death?</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Needlessly you slate and scourge us;</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>War, that sifts and tries and
+            tests,</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>May be safely left to purge us</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Of these verbal pests.</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>England, February, 1917.&mdash;"The great loan land."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page125"
+       id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/125.png"
+             alt="The Last Throw." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE LAST THROW.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page126"
+       id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, February 12th</i>.&mdash;Question-time, which
+    towards the end of last Session was extended by a
+    quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old limits.
+    Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the
+    reason, but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at
+    the disappearance of what was often a <i>triste quart
+    d'heure</i>. One can easily have a surfeit of the piquant
+    humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the <i>Rosa
+    Dartles</i> of the House.</p>
+
+    <p>The new Administration received some useful support from an
+    unexpected quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps,
+    by the discovery that he had been a trifle of 350 millions out
+    in his Budget estimate of the cost of the War, was fain to
+    rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of Credit on
+    one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some
+    dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a
+    General Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that
+    exactly the same thing had been done this time last year when
+    Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the Exchequer.</p>
+
+    <p>"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited
+    lieutenant, who thereupon went off on another tack and
+    proceeded to express doubts as to the wisdom of over-sea
+    expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate. "Why did you
+    go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway. As
+    Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House
+    nor the country will stand much criticism of the new Government
+    by members of the old one.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, February 13th</i>.&mdash;Lord BERESFORD, in
+    latter days heard with difficulty in the House of Commons, has
+    found his voice again in the ampler air of the Gilded Chamber.
+    His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril and how to
+    defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the
+    far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord
+    LYTTON, who, though not exactly a typical British tar in
+    appearance, has evidently absorbed a full measure of the
+    sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the exact nature of the
+    steps that are being taken to deal with the sea-highwaymen, he
+    made the comforting announcement that already we had achieved
+    very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON,
+    who revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member
+    of the Board of Admiralty, and was able to state that, after
+    two years of "frightfulness," the British mercantile marine was
+    only a small fraction below its tonnage at the
+    commencement.</p>
+
+    <p>The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over
+    which so many Parliamentary battles have been fought, were
+    swept away in a moment this afternoon when Captain BATHURST
+    announced in his usual level tones that British farmers would
+    in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as little
+    compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the
+    sacredness of close-time.</p>
+
+    <p>After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject
+    to the opinion of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a
+    pheasant-proprietor, Members took a little time to recover
+    their breath. But some of them were soon hard at work again
+    heckling the Government over the multiplication of new
+    departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose
+    reverence for the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to
+    Ireland) knows no bounds, could hardly contain his fury at the
+    setting up of a War Cabinet&mdash;"a body utterly unknown to
+    the law"&mdash;and the inclusion therein of Ministers without
+    portfolios but with salaries.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/126.png"
+             alt="The Great Push." /></a> THE GREAT PUSH.
+             CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from
+    Mr. RUNCIMAN and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten
+    what happened to Mr. MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a
+    distinguished Member of a Government under which both the
+    Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in peace-time to
+    unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from
+    complaining that under the present <i>r&eacute;gime</i> the
+    Administration had been further magnified until, if all its
+    members, including Under-Secretaries, were present, they would
+    fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already it is a
+    much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene
+    of a Great Push.</p>
+
+    <p>If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they
+    would draw the PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private
+    room, it was doomed to disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting
+    his position as Leader of the House, and not, as some people
+    seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S deputy, made a spirited
+    defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as being essential
+    for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents, if
+    they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to
+    move a Vote of Censure.</p>
+
+    <p>At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to
+    discover the emblems on the new Treasury Note&mdash;the rose,
+    the thistle, the shamrock and the daffodil (this last for
+    Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is rarely to be
+    descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, February 14th</i>.&mdash;To-day the
+    Vice-Chamberlain of the Household bore a message from the KING
+    in reply to the Address. The House on these occasions is apt to
+    be less interested in the message than in the messenger, and
+    watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march
+    from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The
+    present holder of the office does his work so featly and with
+    such obvious enjoyment as to give a new significance to the
+    phrase ... "With nods and BECKS and wreath&egrave;d
+    smiles."</p>
+
+    <p>Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a
+    bloodthirsty and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for
+    Sir JOHN REES to find a redeeming feature in his character.
+    Among all his crimes, he never, it seems, prohibited the
+    consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy that his own
+    efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available
+    for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma
+    into a "dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than
+    that he declined (very properly) to take THEBAW as his
+    model.</p>
+
+    <p>No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD
+    NORTHCOTE'S time <span class="pagenum"><a name="page127"
+       id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> has occupied a more
+       difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily
+       becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture
+       upon a joke or two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of
+       the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the ground, <i>inter alia</i>,
+       that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr. LAW
+       suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the
+       House, which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S
+       frequent and acidulated interposition, noted his
+       discomfiture with approving cheers.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, February 15th</i>.&mdash;Lord CURZON, in a
+    happy phrase, described the late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident
+    about powers which were in excess of the ordinary." Is not that
+    true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under the stress
+    of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and
+    strength of its latent forces.</p>
+
+    <p>There are, of course, exceptions to this rule&mdash;strong
+    men who are fully conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON,
+    for example, who sought a comprehensive return of all the
+    buildings commandeered and staffs employed by the multifarious
+    new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would put too
+    great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to
+    winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would
+    give him access to their books he would draw up a return in a
+    couple of days. Either the evil has been greatly exaggerated or
+    Lord MIDLETON is a super-statistician for whose services
+    another hotel or two ought to be immediately secured.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/127.png"
+             alt="I don't think much of that Corporal, Sergeant." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Officer</i>. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT
+        CORPORAL, SERGEANT."</p>
+
+        <p class="center">&nbsp;</p>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Sergeant</i>. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR;
+        HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."</p>
+
+        <p class="center">&nbsp;</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker;
+        10s."&mdash;<i>The Bazaar</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been
+        sunk by submarines twice, and in some cases three
+        times."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not
+    have happened.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Matrimony.&mdash;Gentleman coming into means desires to
+        correspond with Lady having means; this is
+        genuine."&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into
+    means" then?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Question of the Day.</h4>
+
+    <p>What are a rational nation's national rations?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and
+        abroad to preparation for the campaign in the spring.
+        Actually, a great deal of water has passed under the
+        Thames."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames
+    tunnel.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at
+    Liverpool:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A
+        voice, 'I hope not.') Yes, there would be parties&mdash;no
+        free country with free institutions was ever without
+        them&mdash;but he did not think they would be quite the
+        sane parties."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But were they ever?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper
+        'A Nap' has been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for
+        publishing an article the contents of which were considered
+        to be dangerous to the interests of the war
+        campaign."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty
+    regularly of an evening, and must now forgo this simple
+    luxury.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page128"
+       id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/128.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/128.png"
+             alt="Farmer and workers." /></a>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Giles</i>. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE
+        TO THE LIKES O' WE, MEASTER."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Farmer</i>. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER?
+        AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"</p>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Giles</i>. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S
+        EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN' WELL!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ART OF DETACHMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Being a letter from a cloistered lady
+    visiting London to her sister in the Shires.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>My dear Ruth,&mdash;Beginning at the beginning, let me tell
+    you that you must at once go to the station to inquire how it
+    is that they forced me to pay thirty shillings for my ticket,
+    instead of one pound. Although the price one pound is printed
+    on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten shillings
+    extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want
+    you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in
+    the booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see
+    the station-master about it.</p>
+
+    <p>The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas
+    of London are wrong. You remember how we used to be told about
+    its wonderful lighting at night, and the comfort of its hotels,
+    and the bright shops, and the crowds of taxis, and so on. Well,
+    this isn't true at all. So far from being well-lighted, I
+    assure you that our few little streets and market square are a
+    blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely
+    dark, and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little
+    light that crossing the road is most perilous. The thing could
+    be put right in a moment if they would only see to it that the
+    lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at several of them and I
+    could see exactly what was wrong&mdash;a coat of grimy stuff
+    has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be
+    quite easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to
+    do it. I suppose that London is very badly managed; and here
+    again I think the advantage lies with us, for I am certain that
+    our District Council would never allow such a state of things.
+    Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.</p>
+
+    <p>The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only
+    they don't know how to apply it. Every night, directly it
+    begins to be dark, great streams of light are turned on from
+    all parts of the city; but would you believe it, they are
+    directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the street,
+    but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District
+    Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would
+    tell him.</p>
+
+    <p>Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the
+    Jerusalem Hotel, but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel
+    people why the central heating was not on, they said that there
+    is no coal. At least it seems that there is coal, but no one to
+    deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant returning such a
+    reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in London
+    they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men
+    who ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't
+    imagine. Anyhow, as I was freezing, I moved into lodgings,
+    where there is coal, although an exorbitant price is asked for
+    each scuttle.</p>
+
+    <p>The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new
+    speculation called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as
+    it is so well spoken of and is to pay the large dividend of
+    5&frac14; per cent. I have arranged to invest something for
+    each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter&mdash;a Mr.
+    BONAR LAW&mdash;is, but it would be awful for us if he turned
+    out to be a JABEZ BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all
+    investment is a gamble, and we can only hope for the best. He
+    must have some peculiar position or the papers would not
+    support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of
+    public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his
+    prospectus as their text and literally imploring the people to
+    invest. Quite like the South Sea Bubble we read
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page129"
+       id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> of in MACAULAY; but please
+       Heaven it won't turn out to be another.</p>
+
+    <p>I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing,
+    except that her family could not afford to put anything in.
+    "But your daughters earn very good money," I said. "That's
+    true," she replied, "but all that they have over after their
+    clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the pictures;
+    and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them
+    their pleasures, not I."</p>
+
+    <p>Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of
+    entertainment in this city there are millions who are like
+    them. But I couldn't help thinking that if so much money seems
+    really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW is really a public
+    benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert some of
+    the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone
+    for sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to
+    be at war most of these places would naturally be shut up.</p>
+
+    <p>By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just
+    now. I have heard numbers of people, all in different places,
+    such as the Tube and omni-buses and tea-shops, using very
+    strong terms about them. It has been quite a series of
+    coincidences.</p>
+
+    <p>No more for the present from</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Your affectionate</p>
+
+    <p class="author">LOUISA.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/129.png"
+             alt="Now, Bobby, be a good boy and come and say your prayers." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p class="i16">"NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY
+        YOUR PRAYERS."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16">"I DON'T WANT TO."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16">"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT
+        ONCE."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16">"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE
+        GERMANS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">III.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Tub-swill, tub-swill! <i>have</i> you any
+            tub-swill?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I will send my footman to fetch it, if I
+            may;</p>
+
+            <p>For I'm hoping <i>all</i> the restaurants and all
+            the nicest clubs will</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Give me broken victuals, if I send for
+            them each day;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">In the Park, in Piccadilly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Down at Ascot, in the Shires,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">We've been up in terms like "filly,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">"Dams" and "sires,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">"Smooths" and "wires;"</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars"</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And it's "suckers" and it's
+            "stores"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">The terms that one acquires</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Now we're keeping pigs to pay.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Hog-wash, hog-wash! <i>are</i> you selling
+            hog-wash</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic
+            spray?</p>
+
+            <p>Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog
+            wash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's
+            holding sway.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Oh, indeed, it's <i>worse</i> than
+            silly</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">If a person now admires</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">An inedible young filly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Dams and sires,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Smooths and wires;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">For in gilts and in boars</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And in suckers and in stores</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Proper keenness one acquires</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Now we're keeping pigs to pay.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the
+        Austrian Emperor a Field-Marshal.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The material damage done was
+        insignificant."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Evening Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But the moral effect was tremendous.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "More Food.&mdash;Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase
+        stock open-air pig-farm."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much
+    about.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page130"
+       id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span>
+
+    <h2>OXFORD REVISITED.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Last week, a prey to military duty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I turned my lagging footsteps to the
+            West;</p>
+
+            <p>I have a natural taste for scenic beauty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all my pent emotions may be
+            guessed</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">To find myself again</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At Didcot, loathliest junction of the
+            plain.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But all things come unto the patient waiter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous
+            blue</p>
+
+            <p>Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Almost exactly as they used to do</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In 1898,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When I became an undergraduate.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"O joys whereto I went as to a bridal,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a
+            brow</p>
+
+            <p>That no amount of culture (herpecidal)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will coax the semblance of a crop from
+            now,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Once more I make ye mine;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There is a train that leaves at half-past
+            nine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"In a rude land where life among the boys is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One long glad round of cards and coffin
+            juice,</p>
+
+            <p>And any sort of intellectual poise is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The constant butt of well-expressed
+            abuse,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And it is no disgrace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To put a table-knife inside one's
+            face,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I have remembered picnics on the Isis,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and
+            tea,</p>
+
+            <p>Nor ever dreamed a European crisis</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would make a British soldier out of
+            me&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">The mute inglorious kind</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That push the beastly war on from
+            behind.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are beckoning to me with the old
+            allure;</p>
+
+            <p>The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which I for one-and-ninepence can
+            secure,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Reaching on Memory's wing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled
+            spring."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The dreams that cheat the mind's
+            responsive eye!</p>
+
+            <p>Where are the undergrads in gay profusion</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whose waistcoats made melodious the
+            High,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">All the <i>jeunesse dor&eacute;e</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That shed the glamour of an elder
+            day?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Can this be Oxford? And is that my college</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That vomits khaki through its sacred
+            gate?</p>
+
+            <p>Are those the schools where once I aired my
+            knowledge</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where nurses pass and ambulances
+            wait?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Ah! sick ones, pale of face,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I too have suffered tortures in that
+            place!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Balliol is bare of all but mild
+            Hindoos;</p>
+
+            <p>The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are in the trenches giving Fritz the
+            Blues,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And many a stout D.D.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is digging trenches with the V.T.C.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Why press the search when every hallowed close
+            is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming
+            fours;</p>
+
+            <p>While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Loud summons, and the hoarse
+            bull-sergeant roars,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">While almost out of view</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The thrumming biplane cleaves the
+            astonished blue?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">These splendid youths with zeal and
+            courage fired,</p>
+
+            <p>But as for Private Me, M.A.&mdash;why, blow it!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The very sight of soldiers makes me
+            tired;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Learning&mdash;detached, apart&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I sought, not War's reverberating
+            art.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yain search! But see! One ancient institution</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Still doing business at the same old
+            stand;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That erst dispensed my slender
+            cash-in-hand;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I'll borrow of their pelf</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And buy some War Loan to console
+            myself.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+            <p class="center">ALGOL.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE GREAT INVESTMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p>I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an
+    indemnity of &pound;2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a
+    tenner or so because the KAISER has done so much to beautify
+    our banks. Once they were cold cheerless places. A suspicion of
+    an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love to go to the
+    bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads
+    bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they
+    were not looking up the details of my account I should be
+    perfectly happy.</p>
+
+    <p>Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5&frac14; per
+    cent. by borrowing money from my bank at five per cent. This
+    seemed to be the kind of investment I had been looking for. I
+    found that if I took a million on those terms I should draw a
+    net income of &pound;2,500 a year. But I am a patriot. It
+    seemed to me that &pound;2,500 a year was rather more than I
+    was worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of
+    course I might be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I
+    resolved to avoid greed and ask for a simple hundred
+    thousand.</p>
+
+    <p>So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type
+    of beauty, "I want to see the manager, please. Concerning an
+    important investment in War Loan," I added hastily, fearing
+    lest the damsel should conclude that I wanted an ordinary
+    overdraft.</p>
+
+    <p>I was ushered into the manager's private room.</p>
+
+    <p>"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you
+    advance money at five per cent. to make the purchase."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming.</p>
+
+    <p>I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch
+    somewhere.</p>
+
+    <p>"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear
+    Sir," he gasped, "have you any prospect of being able to save a
+    hundred thousand during the next year or so?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I
+    should be both surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a
+    year. Still I might do it, you know. I should have to give up
+    tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations hitherto unknown to me
+    died and left me handsome legacies. You are always seeing these
+    things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost
+    Australian Uncle.'"</p>
+
+    <p>"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred?
+    You need not pay a deposit. I'll give you a form."</p>
+
+    <p>"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say?
+    Well, I decline your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten
+    much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash."</p>
+
+    <p>I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the
+    blonde, brown and auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred
+    thousand in War Loan. I had imagined their eyes gleaming at the
+    spectacle of one-tenth of a millionaire.</p>
+
+    <p>And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I
+    have worked up my balance a little above its present total,
+    namely &pound;2 1<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page131"
+       id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/131.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/131.png"
+             alt="Driviving Instructor and very nervous lady." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Instructor</i> (<i>to very nervous lady, who, with a
+        view to war-work, is inquiring about tuition</i>). "OF
+        COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE
+        SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40&mdash;50, AND FINISH YOU OFF IN
+        TRAFFIC."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks</i>.)</p>
+
+    <p><i>If Wishes were Horses</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of
+    the most engaging novels that I have met for some time. The
+    matter of it, perhaps, is nothing very new: a story of
+    expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the writer,
+    Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift
+    of making you believe in her people. All the characters are
+    vigorously alive. The result is that one follows with quite
+    unusual interest the chequered career of her central figure,
+    <i>Martin Leffley</i>, from his introduction as a frankly
+    unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he
+    always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P.,
+    and, incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the
+    wonderful devotion of <i>Rose</i>, the wife whom throughout the
+    tale he has bullied and undervalued. Nor is <i>Rose</i>
+    herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less
+    memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to
+    <i>Aunt Polly</i>, the kindly dealer in old clothes, who
+    imagined the Savile to be a night club. But, as I say, the
+    whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I fear for the
+    story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a
+    super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the
+    paths of melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the
+    unexpected beauty and dignity of the closing chapter would have
+    redeemed a more serious lapse.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>Forced to Fight</i> (HEINEMANN) is the record of a
+    Schleswig Dane set forth by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably
+    translated from the Danish by INGEBORG LUND. It is a book that
+    with a singular skill and with a passion that never gets out of
+    hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration
+    lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of
+    Li&eacute;ge, fought in Flanders, then on the Russian Front and
+    again in the Argonne, whence a shattered elbow sent him home
+    broken and <i>aged</i>&mdash;that is what his chronicler
+    emphasises&mdash;not by the wound, but by the long horror and
+    fatigue of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his
+    sufferings lay in the fact that as a Dane he went without any
+    of the great hopes and passions that inspired his German
+    comrades, of whom however he speaks with no ill-will. He took
+    part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian villages,
+    loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that
+    the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world
+    will remember to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You
+    get an impression of the added horror of this War for the
+    imaginative temperamental, and some pathetic pictures of all
+    the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven people on
+    the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to
+    the splendour of world-dominion&mdash;a vision of desolate
+    homes and countrysides empty of all but very old men.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The first lines of <i>Still Life</i> (CONSTABLE), which
+    begins in "the night train from the German frontier to Paris,"
+    gave me much the same impression of impossibility (was there
+    ever such a train?) that I should have felt about a story that
+    opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to some,
+    different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess
+    that Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps
+    may admire the pains lavished
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page132"
+       id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> by the author in analysing
+       the emotions of a group of characters whose temperaments
+       certainly give him every opportunity for this exercise. An
+       impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have
+       (reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way
+       through the plot; first in Paris&mdash;where you may make a
+       shrewd guess at his pre-occupations&mdash;then in an English
+       village, to which he has eloped with the wife of a friend;
+       in France again, and so on. The emotions to which these
+       amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with
+       a care that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique
+       nineties than anything belonging to these more vigorous
+       days. I am far from suggesting that, as a study in
+       super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed
+       scenes of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it
+       is out of date, or (I should perhaps better say)
+       conspicuously out of harmony with the present time. But if
+       you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another
+       matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should
+       preserve this book on some shelf not too accessible by those
+       who are still young enough to overestimate its
+       importance.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from
+    the new Haymarket play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part
+    author, to what I suppose was the last story he ever wrote,
+    <i>The Lady in the Black Mask</i> (MILLS AND BOON), which
+    begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It
+    begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I
+    regret to add, than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home
+    from the theatre, the girl whose companion she was, pleading
+    fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to a masked ball,
+    wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her
+    mistress. The two girls, <i>Ruth</i>, the heroine, and
+    <i>Damia</i>, lived in a gloomy house with old <i>Mr.
+    Verinder</i>, who was <i>Damia's</i> guardian. But when
+    <i>Ruth</i> returned from the ball she found that this
+    arrangement no longer held good, <i>Verinder</i> having been
+    melodramatically stabbed during her absence. And as no one
+    knew, or would ever believe, that it was <i>Damia</i> and not
+    herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty
+    gambit of intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension
+    is not quite sustained, partly because the characters all
+    behave in an increasingly foolish and improbable fashion (even
+    for tales of this genre); partly because there is never
+    sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of course,
+    <i>Damia</i>) who really killed <i>Verinder</i>. Still, of its
+    kind, as the sort of shocker that used to be valued at a
+    shilling, but appears, like everything else, to have risen in
+    price, <i>The Lady in the Black Mask</i> is fairly up to the
+    average. I fancy her profits might have been greater before the
+    discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the
+    environment for which she is best fitted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The
+    Bodley Head I have no doubt that <i>Canada Chaps</i> will be
+    welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs. SIME will not mind my
+    saying that the best of her tales are those which have more to
+    do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and of
+    fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring
+    quite true. It is just the difference between the soldier
+    telling his own artless and rugged tale and someone else
+    telling it for him with a touch of artifice. But when the
+    author merely uses the War as her background she writes with
+    real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do
+    the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have
+    guessed that they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne
+    Michelle" and "The King's Gift," for instance, are true gems,
+    and they are offered to you at the price of paste. Nowhere will
+    you find a better bargain for your shilling.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>HELEN MACKAY, in <i>A Journal of Small Things</i> (MELROSE),
+    sets before us with, it might seem, almost too deliberate
+    simplicity of idiom little scenes and remembered reflections of
+    her days in France since the July of the terrible year. An
+    American to whom France has come to be her adopted and most
+    tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things,
+    chiefly sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or
+    by the wayside or in the houses of the simple and the great,
+    shadowed alike by the all-embracing desolation of the War. The
+    writer has a singular power of selecting the significant
+    details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty
+    and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book.
+    Less happy perhaps and much less in the picture are the
+    episodes learnt only at second hand and suggesting the
+    technique and unreality of the imagined short story.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/132.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/132.png"
+             alt="The Priceless Plumber" /></a> THE PRICELESS
+             PLUMBER&mdash;AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW.
+
+        <p><i>Troubled Householder (writing).</i> "THERE IS A
+        SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY
+        NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR ESTEEMED
+        SERVICES."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for
+        insomnia."&mdash;<i>News of the World.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Censor Abroad.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's
+        Court is held in a room about upteen feet long by about
+        upteen feet wide."&mdash;<i>East African Standard.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."&mdash;<i>Advt. in
+        South African Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This "Money Back" seems a new disease.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From an article in the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> descriptive
+    of life on the Western Front:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad
+        one would be of a thaw in the trenches. But then the
+        accursed time will come again when the whole surface of
+        Northern France sticks to the boot of the German
+        soldier."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our brave police must look to their laurels.</p>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14767 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/14767-h/images/117.png b/14767-h/images/117.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9de733f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/117.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/119.png b/14767-h/images/119.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c7063fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/119.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/120.png b/14767-h/images/120.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..621928a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/120.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/121.png b/14767-h/images/121.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7011749
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/121.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/123.png b/14767-h/images/123.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cb1b80e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/123.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/124.png b/14767-h/images/124.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0025d40
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/124.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/125.png b/14767-h/images/125.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1e09502
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/125.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/126.png b/14767-h/images/126.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..066bf30
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/126.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/127.png b/14767-h/images/127.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9405f1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/127.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/128.png b/14767-h/images/128.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c06655
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/128.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/129.png b/14767-h/images/129.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b9a9969
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/129.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/131.png b/14767-h/images/131.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eeecdc7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/131.png
diff --git a/14767-h/images/132.png b/14767-h/images/132.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3081999
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14767-h/images/132.png
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..865c167
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14767 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14767)
diff --git a/old/14767-8.txt b/old/14767-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f5c5bdc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2006 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol. 152,
+February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol. 152, February 21st, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14767]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 21st, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the way in which
+certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, and he decided to read
+them a lesson they would not soon forget. So he left America.
+
+       ***
+
+Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only two shots were
+fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last week.
+
+       ***
+
+The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in the despatches
+from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. Bronchial subjects who have
+been confining themselves to black currant lozenges on patriotic grounds
+will welcome the news.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that owners of garments
+"bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will not be permitted to replace
+them, and the demand among the elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured
+waistcoats is said to have already reached unprecedented figures.
+
+       ***
+
+"On the Western front," says _The Cologne Gazette_, "the British are
+defeated." Some complaints are being made by the Germans on the spot
+because they have not yet been officially notified of the fact.
+
+       ***
+
+A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice to a colleague
+in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be on the look-out for the
+rice, intends to defeat their hopes by substituting confetti.
+
+       ***
+
+By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of rice at
+weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is
+useless.
+
+       ***
+
+"The British," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "what are they? They are
+snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, snuffling, vain-glorious
+wallowers in misery...." It is thought likely that the _Berliner Tageblatt_
+is vexed with us.
+
+       ***
+
+Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, will not attend.
+It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that the punishment is no more
+severe than the House deserves.
+
+       ***
+
+A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber sufficient extension
+to carry out a large repair job he had in hand. This has caused some
+consternation among those who imagined that the War would end this year.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as extravagant by a
+lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own household we hardly eat any
+bread at all. We practically live on toast."
+
+       ***
+
+An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs now arriving are
+nearly all brown and resemble those laid in this country by the Cochin
+China fowl. This, however, is not the only graceful concession to British
+prejudice, for the eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so
+popular in these islands.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: PRO PATRIA.]
+
+       ***
+
+An _Evening News_ correspondent states that at one restaurant last week a
+man consumed "a large portion of beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts,
+two big platefuls of bread, apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of
+pats of butter and a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have
+ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the band was
+playing it.
+
+       ***
+
+A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one "Food Hog" had for
+luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire
+pudding, two vegetables and a roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course
+the busy City man's substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon
+nap.
+
+       ***
+
+There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for those who are
+willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of quantities of one ton or over
+should also bring their own paper and string.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is reported to have
+been seen in the Eastern counties during the recent cold spell. In answer
+to a telephonic inquiry on the matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological
+Gardens, was heard to murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."
+
+       ***
+
+A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying smoking
+materials into a munitions factory, explained in defence that no locker had
+been assigned to him. The Bench thereupon placed one at his disposal for a
+period of one month.
+
+       ***
+
+On the Somme, says _The Times_, the New Zealand Pioneers, consisting of
+Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under
+German fire. The really thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted
+the sympathy of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single
+exception of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our
+vast Imperial possessions.
+
+       ***
+
+The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not be lowered for
+women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of inquiries as to whether
+"language" is a compulsory or an alternative subject.
+
+       ***
+
+"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them with the skin,"
+says the writer of a recently published letter on "Sparrows as Food." He
+forgets the very considerable economy which can be achieved by having them
+baked in their jackets.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every artisan dwelling.
+Only last week we were pained by a photograph in a weekly paper showing
+somebody reduced to taking his tub in the icy Serpentine.
+
+       ***
+
+Motto for Housekeepers:--
+
+    "WEIGH IT AND SEE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL SERVICE.
+
+  War has taught the truth that shines
+  Through the poet's noble lines:--
+  "Common are to either sex
+  _Artifex_ and _opifex_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.
+
+  Doubtless you feel that such a fight
+    Would be a huge _réclame_ for Hundom;
+  That Earth would stagger at the sight
+    Of _Gulielmus contra Mundum;_
+      That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,
+  Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.
+
+  ('Tis true you have Allies who share
+    The toll you levy for the shambles,
+  Yet, judging by the frills you wear
+    In this your most forlorn of gambles,
+      One might suppose you stood alone
+  In solitary splendour all your own.)
+
+  And if the game against you goes,
+    As seems, I take it, fairly certain,
+  The Hero, felled by countless foes,
+    Should make a rather useful curtain;
+      You could with honour cry for grace,
+  Having preserved the thing you call your face.
+
+  I shouldn't count too much on that.
+    The globe is patient, slow and pensive,
+  But has a way of crushing flat
+    The objects which it finds offensive;
+      And when it's done with you, my brave,
+  I doubt if you will have a face to save.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOST LEADER.
+
+    "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd
+    George."--_The Saturday Westminster Gazette._
+
+We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and our contemporary
+has performed a genuine service in recording this pathetic incident, which
+seems to have escaped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father lived to
+    be nearly a centurion."--_Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle._
+
+Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.
+
+    FLIGHT COMDRS.--Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to retain his temp.
+    tank whilst so empld."--_The Times._
+
+We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT SPEED, in case
+the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now being exhibited, should call
+for a second edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2-1/2 lb. of meat, and 3/4 lb. of
+    sugar--these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week, and
+    in a household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of bread
+    and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar."--_Weekly Scotsman._
+
+We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who has the trick
+of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, buying for
+    Government."--_Local Paper._
+
+This may account for the statement in another journal that "the new
+Administration is going through teething troubles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an exhibition of
+original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake of Australia at 155, New
+Bond Street, beginning on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of
+Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne _Punch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD._)
+
+_The President._ Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. GERARD. I am afraid
+you have had a long and uncomfortable journey.
+
+_Mr. Gerard._ Don't say a word about that, Mr. President. It's all in the
+day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense pleasure to be back in one's own
+country.
+
+_The President._ Yes, I can well believe that. Living amongst Germans at
+this time can be no satisfaction to an American citizen.
+
+_Mr. G._ No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a truer word than that
+in your life. The fact is the Germans have all gone mad with self-esteem,
+and are convinced that every criticism of their actions must have its
+foundations in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that,
+in spite of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has been
+an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer it continues the
+worse their position becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them
+grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and reasonable
+intercourse with them becomes impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not
+pleasant people to live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be
+away from them.
+
+_The President._ And as to their submarine warfare, do they realise that we
+shall hold them to what they have promised, and that if they persist in
+their policy of murder there must be war between them and us?
+
+_Mr. G._ The certainty that you mean what you say has but little effect on
+them. They argue in this way: Germany is in difficulties; the submarine
+weapon is the only one that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use
+that weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on
+behalf of international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count in
+the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look upon
+the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore, with humanity and,
+incidentally, with America and all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed
+to follow her lead.
+
+_The President._ So you think patience, moderation and reasonable argument
+are all useless?
+
+_Mr. G._ See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter stands. They
+imagine they can ruin England with their submarines--they 're probably
+wrong, but that's their notion--but if they give way to America this
+illegitimate weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer
+that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe as yet that
+America means what she says and is determined to fight rather than suffer
+these outrages to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in your
+eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine atrocities.
+
+_The President._ The Germans will soon be undeceived. We will not suffer
+this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, in order to prevent it. God
+knows we have striven to keep the peace through months and years of racking
+anxiety. If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that
+reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to avoid
+it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though they may clash with
+German ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and to give way
+even by an inch would be to dishonour our country and to show ourselves
+unworthy of the freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the
+sword. That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters
+with such power of judgment as God has given me.
+
+_Mr. G._ And to that every true American will say Amen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR-SAVINGS.
+
+SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO
+SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."
+
+FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE MY HEAD."
+
+SULTAN. "SAME HERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOME DEFENCE.
+
+"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"
+
+"PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-INSECT-PEST-
+EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--The weather is very seasonable for the time of year, is
+it not? A nice nip in the air, as you might say; thoroughly healthy for
+those at liberty to enjoy it _al fresco_. I assure you the opportunity is
+not being wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the
+time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed to be the
+exact moment to slip over to England and help keep the home fires burning.
+
+Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I got there an
+officer, who appeared to be looking for something, asked me what my rank
+was. In peace times I should have loved a little unexpected sympathy like
+this; as a soldier, quite an old soldier now, I dislike people who take an
+interest in me, especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him
+very much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were sealed. His
+curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he was, he said, a man from
+whom it was impossible to keep a secret. He still wished to know what my
+rank was. I said it all depended which of them he was referring to, since
+there are three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom
+one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a plain civilian
+mister. Should we leave it at that, and let bygones be bygones? He was
+meditating his answer, when I asked him if he realised how close he was
+standing to the edge of the quay, and when he turned round and looked I
+also turned round and went....
+
+The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was either too young
+or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat
+didn't need to ask him what his rank was; he recognized at a glance just
+the very type of officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow
+to the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and men
+proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow spent the best
+part of his days on the other side trying to get rid of his party. I have
+not been two years in France without discovering that you simply cannot be
+too careful when you are attempting to get out of it.
+
+When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself changed. I was no
+longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my uniform in a public
+restaurant, without any reserve. In consequence they'd only let me eat
+three-and-sixpence worth for my first meal. This time I was not so clever,
+it appeared, as I thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a
+civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got less, and so
+it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that I fell in for home. If
+I'd known I should have kept my waterproof on for luncheon.
+
+Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be separated from our own
+by a High Sea all these months and years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply
+ain't fair. In my case there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a
+son amongst sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing
+good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool who thinks all
+his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I should be the very first to
+notice and call attention to it. But he has not; dispassionately and from
+an entirely detached and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is
+about him an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different level
+from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half teeth I'm thinking
+of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and badly managed hairs which
+wander about at the back of his bald head and give him the look of a
+dissipated monk. It is just his intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in
+everything about him. Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout
+heart and an unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights
+those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt turn of
+speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer and a gentleman
+that he _is_ unique.
+
+Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many pleasant hours to be
+spent in discussing with my son the things which matter, I put on all my
+waterproofs, gave the porter a twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook
+for a shilling, even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for
+a franc, and hastened home.
+
+The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been long in the
+company of my wife before I discovered that Another had come between us. I
+had not been long with my son before I discovered who that Other was.... I
+determined to have it out with him at once. Feeling that the situation was
+one for tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at a
+disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with his infamy. I
+addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I told him I was well aware of
+his personal charm, but in this instance I was bound to comment
+unfavourably on the use he had made of it. The very last thing I had
+expected of him was that at, or indeed before, the early age of one he
+would be stealing the affections of another man's wife.
+
+He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even embarrassed by his
+immediate environment. In fact he turned it to his own advantage, for his
+hairs, duly watered and soaped down on to his cranium, lost their rakish
+look and gave him the appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great
+intellect and no little financial stability. As between one man and
+another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion, gave me to
+understand, with a jovial smile, that such little incidents must always be
+expected as long as humanity remains human, and repudiated all personal
+responsibility in this instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it
+was the woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and his
+only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly to repel her
+advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at the attitude he adopted;
+it consisted in putting his foot in one half of his mouth and breathing
+stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started making eyes at
+the nurse I was too shocked to stay any longer.
+
+Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the next morning
+for my revenge. As the trustee of his future wealth I had him in my power.
+Stepping across to the nearest bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in
+his name and passed it all on to the Government, then and there, to be
+spent, _inter alia_, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to his face
+that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made? He merely called for a
+drink.
+
+However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to France I seized
+the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and there took back from the
+Government for my own sole and absolute use some of those very pounds my
+son had borrowed from the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my
+wife, whom I had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all
+the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my son's
+money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The only result of my
+efforts therefore was to land me in a financial transaction so complicated
+that I cannot even follow it myself.
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shocked Sister_. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A SECOND
+HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."
+
+[_Bobby, like a true Briton, desists._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XX.
+
+MILLWALL.
+
+  I leaned on the Mill-Wall
+    Looking at the water,
+  I leaned on the Mill-Wall
+    And saw the Nis's Daughter.
+
+  I saw the Nis's Daughter
+    Playing with her ball,
+  She tossed it and tossed it
+    Against the Mill-Wall.
+
+  I saw the Nis's Goodwife
+    Busy making lace
+  With her silver bobbins
+    In the Mill-Race.
+
+  Then I saw the old Nis,
+    His hair to his heel,
+  Combing out the tangles
+    On the Mill-Wheel.
+
+  The Miller came behind me
+    And gave my ear a clout--
+  "Get on with your business,
+    You good-for-nothing lout!"
+
+XXI.
+
+CORNHILL.
+
+  The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The seed of the Corn is sown;
+  When the seed is sown on the Cornhill
+    My love will ask for his own.
+
+  The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The blade of the Corn is shown;
+  When the blade is shown on the Cornhill
+    I'll promise my love his own.
+
+  The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The ear of the Corn is grown;
+  When the ear is grown on the Cornhill
+    My love shall have his own.
+
+  The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The sheaf of the Corn is mown;
+  When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill
+    My love will leave his own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF OUR OPTIMISTS.
+
+    "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state
+    price."--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the Council of
+    Empire after the party had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd
+    course."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to grant
+    sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular
+    personnel."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+II.
+
+Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than
+me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in
+the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the
+little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence.
+Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and
+their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down
+with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
+lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it
+were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's
+that we had a better time in store.
+
+"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the
+billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle
+'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If
+'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I
+says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."
+
+"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready
+and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her
+could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth
+before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw
+on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get
+used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a
+draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."
+
+It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to
+toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_
+thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered
+terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
+you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you
+direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters,
+and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."
+
+Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs.
+Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a
+doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in
+the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew.
+I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at
+present, he was feelin' a little easier.
+
+She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out
+beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she
+said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for
+yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow
+to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
+fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to
+light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it
+ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."
+
+We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it
+made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day
+for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em.
+
+One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if
+she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me
+better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she
+said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew
+on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you
+learn 'ow to do it the better."
+
+We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but
+when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a
+clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and
+a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."
+
+When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but
+she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over
+there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the
+rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be
+without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be
+sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more."
+
+It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs.
+Larkins's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be
+    content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from
+    all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is
+    asked for is the sacrifice of anæsthetic requirements, in view of
+    national need."--_East Anglian Daily Times_.
+
+If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and
+we must insist on an anæsthetic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.
+
+          _COMFORT AND JOY'S_
+       New Books for the Million.
+
+   ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,
+      THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.
+                  6/-
+
+A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly
+adorable Countess, her four husbands and her
+ultimate conversion to Tolstoianism. Please
+write for scenario, with Author's portrait in
+hygienic costume and sandals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+       MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,
+              FAREWELL, VIRTUE.
+                    6/-
+
+Lovers of _In Quest of Crime_ will not fail to be
+enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian
+            self-expression.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_By the Author of_ "_The Little Oilcan_,"
+        MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.
+            BY JIMBO JONES.
+
+First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of
+             any Dustman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+        THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.
+          THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,
+          BY ALEXANDER TRIPE
+     (Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").
+_The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!_
+
+"Verax," in _The Daily Lyre_, says, "This is
+a colossally cerebral book. By the side of
+Tripe, Balzac is a bungling beginner and Zola
+a finicking dilettante."
+
+_The Manxman_ says: "A wonderful panorama
+of the life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince;
+with full details of his wardrobe, his taste in
+liqueurs, his emotions and dissipations....
+Simply must be read by anyone who wishes
+to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the
+luscious."
+
+Mr. John Pougher writes in _Saturn_:--
+"Tripe is the most nourishing author I know.
+To adapt Dickens's famous phrase, there is a
+juiciness in his work which would enchant a
+scavenger."
+
+2/- _net or three copies for_ 5/- _and four_
+     (_with 1 lb. of sugar_) _for_ 6/-
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+             GENERAL LITERATURE.
+                  --------
+            WAS MILTON A MORMON?
+              BY FLAMMA BELL.
+    A book for polygamists of all ages.
+
+1/- _net, or_ 1/9 _with 1 lb. of margarine_.
+
+             LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.
+           BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.
+
+How to be happy though unwashed. National
+           thrift in a nutshell.
+
+_With portrait of the Author in black-and-white_.
+                1/- _net._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+         INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.
+                  --------
+           IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM
+
+(_With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut
+             with HINDENBURG_).
+
+             IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.
+
+           IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.
+
+           IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT
+                 BUDA-PESTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Neutral Waiter_. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS LANGUAGE.
+ZAT OFFICER--I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING, 'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY
+AND FED OP'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+    [The management of _The Times_, of which the price was raised on Monday
+    to twopence, is anxious, in view of the paper famine, to restore the
+    old custom by which this journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned,
+    whether gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal. Having
+    "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the circulation of each
+    copy in several houses daily, the managers will not hesitate, as a last
+    resort, to increase the selling price to sevenpence per copy."]
+
+_From_ "_The Evening Uproar_."
+
+BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.
+
+Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this afternoon.
+Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed middle-aged man, at present
+unidentified, was observed stealing cautiously from the Tube station with a
+thick wad of Treasury notes in one hand and _a copy of "The Times" in the
+other!_ The sight of this latter seems to have sent several passers-by
+completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly set upon, his journal
+torn from his hand and his limbs very severely mauled. The Treasury notes,
+unremarked in the fearful _mélée_, fell into the mud and were devoured by a
+passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless document were in
+turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly Circus became a battlefield.
+The deplorable behaviour of motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to
+the carnage, for these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot
+within their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething mass
+of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable treasure. No
+official estimate of the casualties is yet to hand.
+
+_Stop Press_.--Reason to believe unknown archdeacon got away West with part
+of sheet of "Finance and Commerce." Police, specials, military and
+fire-brigade now in pursuit.
+
+_From the Press generally_.
+
+AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.
+
+At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an unread and unsoiled
+copy of yesterday's _Times_. The donor of this superb gift desires to
+remain anonymous, but his incredible generosity is expected to benefit
+charity to the extent of several thousand pounds.
+
+_From_ "_The New Britain_."
+
+SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.
+
+A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice of the Rag and
+Bones Controller. A copy of _The Times_ (including the Uruguay Supplement
+of 94 pages), issued four months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R.
+and B. Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of col.
+1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire household then read
+from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108. Baron Goldenschein tells us that
+his cook with difficulty could be persuaded to tear herself away from the
+Uruguay Supplement. All the tenants on the estate--some eighty souls--then
+enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting it to relatives in various
+parts of the United Kingdom. At the end of three months it is estimated
+that over one thousand persons had read this copy of _The Times_. The Baron
+also informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper from
+remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments have been collected
+and pasted together the whole will be despatched to those residents in the
+Isle of Man who have never heard of _The Times_.
+
+_From_ "_The Wiggleswick Weekly_":--
+
+IMPORTANT NOTICE.
+
+From Monday next the price of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ (with which is
+incorporated _The Bindleton Advertiser_ and _The Swashborough Gazette_)
+will be 17_s._ 6_d._ per copy. If this--the forty-seventh--increase in
+price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation we shall
+unhesitatingly advance the price to £1 9_s._ 5-3/4_d._ per copy. The
+management of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ is determined, at no matter what
+sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an ecclesiastical magazine:--
+
+    "The Vicar of ---- has promised to address our branch of the C.E.M.S.
+    as soon as he can arrange a fine and moonlight evening."
+
+We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would let us have
+the prescription. There should be money in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor's Wife_. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE DOCTOR
+AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO MAKE UP THE BOOKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME MORE BAD WORDS.
+
+  In a recent verse adventure
+    I compiled "a little list"
+  Of the verbs deserving censure,
+   Verbs that "never would be missed";
+  Now, to flatter the fastidious,
+    Suffer me the work to crown
+  With three epithets--all hideous--
+    And one noisome noun.
+
+  First, to add to the recital
+    Of the words that gall and irk,
+  Is the old offender "vital,"
+    Done to death by overwork;
+  Only a prolonged embargo
+    On its use by Press and pen
+  Can recall this kind of _argot_
+    Back to life again.
+
+  I, in days not very distant,
+    Though the memory gives me pain,
+  From the awful word "insistent"
+    Did not utterly refrain;
+  Once it promised to refresh us,
+    Seemed to be alert enough;
+  Now I loathe it, laboured, precious--
+    Merely verbal fluff.
+
+  Thirdly, in the sheets that daily
+    Cater for our vulgar needs,
+  There's a word that figures gaily
+    In reviewers' friendly screeds,
+  Who declare a book's "arresting,"
+    Mostly, it must be confessed,
+  Meaning just the problem-questing
+    Which deserves arrest.
+
+  Last and vilest of this bad band
+    Is that noun of gruesome sound,
+  "Uplift," which the clan of _Chadband_
+    Hold in reverence profound;
+  Used for a dynamic function
+    'Tis a word devoid of guile,
+  Only as connoting unction
+    It excites my bile.
+
+  _Why, fastidious poetaster,
+    Waste your energy and breath
+  Like a petulant schoolmaster
+    Only doing words to death?
+  Needlessly you slate and scourge us;
+    War, that sifts and tries and tests,
+  May be safely left to purge us
+    Of these verbal pests._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+England, February, 1917.--"The great loan land."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST THROW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 12th_.--Question-time, which towards the end of last
+Session was extended by a quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old
+limits. Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the reason,
+but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at the disappearance
+of what was often a _triste quart d'heure_. One can easily have a surfeit
+of the piquant humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the _Rosa
+Dartles_ of the House.
+
+The new Administration received some useful support from an unexpected
+quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps, by the discovery that he
+had been a trifle of 350 millions out in his Budget estimate of the cost of
+the War, was fain to rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of
+Credit on one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some
+dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a General
+Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that exactly the same thing
+had been done this time last year when Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the
+Exchequer.
+
+"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited lieutenant, who
+thereupon went off on another tack and proceeded to express doubts as to
+the wisdom of over-sea expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate.
+"Why did you go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway.
+As Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House nor the
+country will stand much criticism of the new Government by members of the
+old one.
+
+_Tuesday, February 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD, in latter days heard with
+difficulty in the House of Commons, has found his voice again in the ampler
+air of the Gilded Chamber. His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril
+and how to defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the
+far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord LYTTON, who,
+though not exactly a typical British tar in appearance, has evidently
+absorbed a full measure of the sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the
+exact nature of the steps that are being taken to deal with the
+sea-highwaymen, he made the comforting announcement that already we had
+achieved very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON, who
+revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member of the Board of
+Admiralty, and was able to state that, after two years of "frightfulness,"
+the British mercantile marine was only a small fraction below its tonnage
+at the commencement.
+
+The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over which so many
+Parliamentary battles have been fought, were swept away in a moment this
+afternoon when Captain BATHURST announced in his usual level tones that
+British farmers would in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as
+little compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the
+sacredness of close-time.
+
+After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject to the opinion
+of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a pheasant-proprietor,
+Members took a little time to recover their breath. But some of them were
+soon hard at work again heckling the Government over the multiplication of
+new departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose reverence for
+the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds,
+could hardly contain his fury at the setting up of a War Cabinet--"a body
+utterly unknown to the law"--and the inclusion therein of Ministers without
+portfolios but with salaries.
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT PUSH. CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH.]
+
+He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from Mr. RUNCIMAN
+and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten what happened to Mr.
+MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a distinguished Member of a Government
+under which both the Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in
+peace-time to unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from
+complaining that under the present _régime_ the Administration had been
+further magnified until, if all its members, including Under-Secretaries,
+were present, they would fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already
+it is a much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene of
+a Great Push.
+
+If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they would draw the
+PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private room, it was doomed to
+disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting his position as Leader of the
+House, and not, as some people seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S
+deputy, made a spirited defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as
+being essential for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents,
+if they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to move a
+Vote of Censure.
+
+At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to discover the
+emblems on the new Treasury Note--the rose, the thistle, the shamrock and
+the daffodil (this last for Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is
+rarely to be descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.
+
+_Wednesday, February 14th_.--To-day the Vice-Chamberlain of the Household
+bore a message from the KING in reply to the Address. The House on these
+occasions is apt to be less interested in the message than in the
+messenger, and watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march
+from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The present
+holder of the office does his work so featly and with such obvious
+enjoyment as to give a new significance to the phrase ... "With nods and
+BECKS and wreathèd smiles."
+
+Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a bloodthirsty
+and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for Sir JOHN REES to find a
+redeeming feature in his character. Among all his crimes, he never, it
+seems, prohibited the consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy
+that his own efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available
+for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma into a
+"dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than that he declined
+(very properly) to take THEBAW as his model.
+
+No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD NORTHCOTE'S time has
+occupied a more difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily
+becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture upon a joke or
+two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the
+ground, _inter alia_, that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr.
+LAW suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the House,
+which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S frequent and acidulated
+interposition, noted his discomfiture with approving cheers.
+
+_Thursday, February 15th_.--Lord CURZON, in a happy phrase, described the
+late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident about powers which were in excess of the
+ordinary." Is not that true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under
+the stress of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and
+strength of its latent forces.
+
+There are, of course, exceptions to this rule--strong men who are fully
+conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON, for example, who sought a
+comprehensive return of all the buildings commandeered and staffs employed
+by the multifarious new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would
+put too great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to
+winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would give him
+access to their books he would draw up a return in a couple of days. Either
+the evil has been greatly exaggerated or Lord MIDLETON is a
+super-statistician for whose services another hotel or two ought to be
+immediately secured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT CORPORAL, SERGEANT."
+
+_Sergeant_. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR; HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker; 10s."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been sunk by
+    submarines twice, and in some cases three times."--_Manchester
+    Guardian._
+
+If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not have happened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Matrimony.--Gentleman coming into means desires to correspond with
+    Lady having means; this is genuine."--_Scotch Paper_.
+
+But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into means" then?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.
+
+What are a rational nation's national rations?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and abroad to
+    preparation for the campaign in the spring. Actually, a great deal of
+    water has passed under the Thames."--_Liverpool Paper._
+
+Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at Liverpool:--
+
+    "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A voice, 'I hope
+    not.') Yes, there would be parties--no free country with free
+    institutions was ever without them--but he did not think they would be
+    quite the sane parties."--_The Times_.
+
+But were they ever?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper 'A Nap' has
+    been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for publishing an article
+    the contents of which were considered to be dangerous to the interests
+    of the war campaign."--_Westminster Gazette_.
+
+We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty regularly of an
+evening, and must now forgo this simple luxury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Giles_. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE TO THE LIKES O' WE,
+MEASTER."
+
+_Farmer_. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER? AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"
+
+_Giles_. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN'
+WELL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF DETACHMENT.
+
+(_Being a letter from a cloistered lady visiting London to her sister in
+the Shires._)
+
+My dear Ruth,--Beginning at the beginning, let me tell you that you must at
+once go to the station to inquire how it is that they forced me to pay
+thirty shillings for my ticket, instead of one pound. Although the price
+one pound is printed on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten
+shillings extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want
+you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in the
+booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see the
+station-master about it.
+
+The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas of London are
+wrong. You remember how we used to be told about its wonderful lighting at
+night, and the comfort of its hotels, and the bright shops, and the crowds
+of taxis, and so on. Well, this isn't true at all. So far from being
+well-lighted, I assure you that our few little streets and market square
+are a blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely dark,
+and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little light that crossing
+the road is most perilous. The thing could be put right in a moment if they
+would only see to it that the lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at
+several of them and I could see exactly what was wrong--a coat of grimy
+stuff has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be quite
+easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to do it. I suppose
+that London is very badly managed; and here again I think the advantage
+lies with us, for I am certain that our District Council would never allow
+such a state of things. Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.
+
+The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only they don't know
+how to apply it. Every night, directly it begins to be dark, great streams
+of light are turned on from all parts of the city; but would you believe
+it, they are directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the
+street, but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District
+Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would tell him.
+
+Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the Jerusalem Hotel,
+but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel people why the central heating
+was not on, they said that there is no coal. At least it seems that there
+is coal, but no one to deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant
+returning such a reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in
+London they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men who
+ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't imagine. Anyhow, as I
+was freezing, I moved into lodgings, where there is coal, although an
+exorbitant price is asked for each scuttle.
+
+The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new speculation
+called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as it is so well spoken of
+and is to pay the large dividend of 5-1/4 per cent. I have arranged to invest
+something for each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter--a Mr. BONAR
+LAW--is, but it would be awful for us if he turned out to be a JABEZ
+BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all investment is a gamble, and we can
+only hope for the best. He must have some peculiar position or the papers
+would not support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of
+public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his prospectus as
+their text and literally imploring the people to invest. Quite like the
+South Sea Bubble we read of in MACAULAY; but please Heaven it won't turn
+out to be another.
+
+I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing, except that her
+family could not afford to put anything in. "But your daughters earn very
+good money," I said. "That's true," she replied, "but all that they have
+over after their clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the
+pictures; and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them
+their pleasures, not I."
+
+Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of entertainment in
+this city there are millions who are like them. But I couldn't help
+thinking that if so much money seems really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW
+is really a public benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert
+some of the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone for
+sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to be at war most
+of these places would naturally be shut up.
+
+By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just now. I have
+heard numbers of people, all in different places, such as the Tube and
+omni-buses and tea-shops, using very strong terms about them. It has been
+quite a series of coincidences.
+
+No more for the present from
+
+Your affectionate
+
+LOUISA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS."
+
+"I DON'T WANT TO."
+
+"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT ONCE."
+
+"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE GERMANS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+III.
+
+  Tub-swill, tub-swill! _have_ you any tub-swill?
+    I will send my footman to fetch it, if I may;
+  For I'm hoping _all_ the restaurants and all the nicest clubs will
+    Give me broken victuals, if I send for them each day;
+        In the Park, in Piccadilly,
+          Down at Ascot, in the Shires,
+        We've been up in terms like "filly,"
+          "Dams" and "sires,"
+          "Smooths" and "wires;"
+        Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars"
+        And it's "suckers" and it's "stores"--
+          The terms that one acquires
+        Now we're keeping pigs to pay.
+
+  Hog-wash, hog-wash! _are_ you selling hog-wash
+    In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic spray?
+  Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog wash;
+    In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's holding sway.
+        Oh, indeed, it's _worse_ than silly
+          If a person now admires
+        An inedible young filly,
+          Dams and sires,
+          Smooths and wires;
+        For in gilts and in boars
+        And in suckers and in stores
+          Proper keenness one acquires
+        Now we're keeping pigs to pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the Austrian
+    Emperor a Field-Marshal.
+
+    The material damage done was insignificant."--_Glasgow Evening Times_.
+
+But the moral effect was tremendous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "More Food.--Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase stock open-air
+    pig-farm."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much about.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OXFORD REVISITED.
+
+  Last week, a prey to military duty,
+    I turned my lagging footsteps to the West;
+  I have a natural taste for scenic beauty,
+    And all my pent emotions may be guessed
+      To find myself again
+    At Didcot, loathliest junction of the plain.
+
+  But all things come unto the patient waiter,
+    "Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous blue
+  Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater
+    Almost exactly as they used to do
+      In 1898,
+    When I became an undergraduate.
+
+  "O joys whereto I went as to a bridal,
+    With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a brow
+  That no amount of culture (herpecidal)
+    Will coax the semblance of a crop from now,
+      Once more I make ye mine;
+    There is a train that leaves at half-past nine.
+
+  "In a rude land where life among the boys is
+    One long glad round of cards and coffin juice,
+  And any sort of intellectual poise is
+    The constant butt of well-expressed abuse,
+      And it is no disgrace
+    To put a table-knife inside one's face,
+
+  "I have remembered picnics on the Isis,
+    Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and tea,
+  Nor ever dreamed a European crisis
+    Would make a British soldier out of me--
+      The mute inglorious kind
+    That push the beastly war on from behind.
+
+  "But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister
+    Are beckoning to me with the old allure;
+  The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster
+    Which I for one-and-ninepence can secure,
+      Reaching on Memory's wing
+    Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled spring."
+
+  But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion
+    The dreams that cheat the mind's responsive eye!
+  Where are the undergrads in gay profusion
+    Whose waistcoats made melodious the High,
+      All the _jeunesse dorée_
+    That shed the glamour of an elder day?
+
+  Can this be Oxford? And is that my college
+    That vomits khaki through its sacred gate?
+  Are those the schools where once I aired my knowledge
+    Where nurses pass and ambulances wait?
+      Ah! sick ones, pale of face,
+    I too have suffered tortures in that place!
+
+  In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish;
+    Balliol is bare of all but mild Hindoos;
+  The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish
+    Are in the trenches giving Fritz the Blues,
+      And many a stout D.D.
+    Is digging trenches with the V.T.C.
+
+  Why press the search when every hallowed close is
+    Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming fours;
+  While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his
+    Loud summons, and the hoarse bull-sergeant roars,
+      While almost out of view
+    The thrumming biplane cleaves the astonished blue?
+
+  It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet,
+    These splendid youths with zeal and courage fired,
+  But as for Private Me, M.A.--why, blow it!
+    The very sight of soldiers makes me tired;
+      Learning--detached, apart--
+    I sought, not War's reverberating art.
+
+  Yain search! But see! One ancient institution
+    Still doing business at the same old stand;
+  'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian,
+    That erst dispensed my slender cash-in-hand;
+      I'll borrow of their pelf
+    And buy some War Loan to console myself.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT INVESTMENT.
+
+I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an indemnity of
+£2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a tenner or so because the KAISER
+has done so much to beautify our banks. Once they were cold cheerless
+places. A suspicion of an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love
+to go to the bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads
+bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they were not
+looking up the details of my account I should be perfectly happy.
+
+Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5-1/4 per cent. by borrowing
+money from my bank at five per cent. This seemed to be the kind of
+investment I had been looking for. I found that if I took a million on
+those terms I should draw a net income of £2,500 a year. But I am a
+patriot. It seemed to me that £2,500 a year was rather more than I was
+worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of course I might
+be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I resolved to avoid greed and ask
+for a simple hundred thousand.
+
+So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type of beauty, "I
+want to see the manager, please. Concerning an important investment in War
+Loan," I added hastily, fearing lest the damsel should conclude that I
+wanted an ordinary overdraft.
+
+I was ushered into the manager's private room.
+
+"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you advance money at
+five per cent. to make the purchase."
+
+"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming.
+
+I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch somewhere.
+
+"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said.
+
+The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear Sir," he gasped,
+"have you any prospect of being able to save a hundred thousand during the
+next year or so?"
+
+"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I should be both
+surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a year. Still I might do it,
+you know. I should have to give up tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations
+hitherto unknown to me died and left me handsome legacies. You are always
+seeing these things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost
+Australian Uncle.'"
+
+"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred? You need not pay
+a deposit. I'll give you a form."
+
+"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say? Well, I decline
+your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash."
+
+I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the blonde, brown and
+auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred thousand in War Loan. I had
+imagined their eyes gleaming at the spectacle of one-tenth of a
+millionaire.
+
+And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I have worked up my
+balance a little above its present total, namely £2 _1s. 9d._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Instructor_ (_to very nervous lady, who, with a view to
+war-work, is inquiring about tuition_). "OF COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A
+LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40--50, AND FINISH YOU
+OFF IN TRAFFIC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+_If Wishes were Horses_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of the most engaging
+novels that I have met for some time. The matter of it, perhaps, is nothing
+very new: a story of expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the
+writer, Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift of
+making you believe in her people. All the characters are vigorously alive.
+The result is that one follows with quite unusual interest the chequered
+career of her central figure, _Martin Leffley_, from his introduction as a
+frankly unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he
+always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P., and,
+incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the wonderful devotion of
+_Rose_, the wife whom throughout the tale he has bullied and undervalued.
+Nor is _Rose_ herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less
+memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to _Aunt Polly_,
+the kindly dealer in old clothes, who imagined the Savile to be a night
+club. But, as I say, the whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I
+fear for the story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a
+super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the paths of
+melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the unexpected beauty and
+dignity of the closing chapter would have redeemed a more serious lapse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Forced to Fight_ (HEINEMANN) is the record of a Schleswig Dane set forth
+by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably translated from the Danish by INGEBORG
+LUND. It is a book that with a singular skill and with a passion that never
+gets out of hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration
+lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of Liége, fought in
+Flanders, then on the Russian Front and again in the Argonne, whence a
+shattered elbow sent him home broken and _aged_--that is what his
+chronicler emphasises--not by the wound, but by the long horror and fatigue
+of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his sufferings lay in the
+fact that as a Dane he went without any of the great hopes and passions
+that inspired his German comrades, of whom however he speaks with no
+ill-will. He took part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian
+villages, loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that
+the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world will remember
+to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You get an impression of the
+added horror of this War for the imaginative temperamental, and some
+pathetic pictures of all the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven
+people on the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to the
+splendour of world-dominion--a vision of desolate homes and countrysides
+empty of all but very old men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The first lines of _Still Life_ (CONSTABLE), which begins in "the night
+train from the German frontier to Paris," gave me much the same impression
+of impossibility (was there ever such a train?) that I should have felt
+about a story that opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to
+some, different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess that
+Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps may admire the
+pains lavished by the author in analysing the emotions of a group of
+characters whose temperaments certainly give him every opportunity for this
+exercise. An impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have
+(reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way through the plot;
+first in Paris--where you may make a shrewd guess at his
+pre-occupations--then in an English village, to which he has eloped with
+the wife of a friend; in France again, and so on. The emotions to which
+these amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with a care
+that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique nineties than anything
+belonging to these more vigorous days. I am far from suggesting that, as a
+study in super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed scenes
+of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it is out of date, or (I
+should perhaps better say) conspicuously out of harmony with the present
+time. But if you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another
+matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should preserve this book on
+some shelf not too accessible by those who are still young enough to
+overestimate its importance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from the new Haymarket
+play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part author, to what I suppose was
+the last story he ever wrote, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ (MILLS AND
+BOON), which begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It
+begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I regret to add,
+than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home from the theatre, the girl
+whose companion she was, pleading fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to
+a masked ball, wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her
+mistress. The two girls, _Ruth_, the heroine, and _Damia_, lived in a
+gloomy house with old _Mr. Verinder_, who was _Damia's_ guardian. But when
+_Ruth_ returned from the ball she found that this arrangement no longer
+held good, _Verinder_ having been melodramatically stabbed during her
+absence. And as no one knew, or would ever believe, that it was _Damia_ and
+not herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty gambit of
+intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension is not quite
+sustained, partly because the characters all behave in an increasingly
+foolish and improbable fashion (even for tales of this genre); partly
+because there is never sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of
+course, _Damia_) who really killed _Verinder_. Still, of its kind, as the
+sort of shocker that used to be valued at a shilling, but appears, like
+everything else, to have risen in price, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ is
+fairly up to the average. I fancy her profits might have been greater
+before the discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the
+environment for which she is best fitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The Bodley Head I have
+no doubt that _Canada Chaps_ will be welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs.
+SIME will not mind my saying that the best of her tales are those which
+have more to do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and
+of fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring quite
+true. It is just the difference between the soldier telling his own artless
+and rugged tale and someone else telling it for him with a touch of
+artifice. But when the author merely uses the War as her background she
+writes with real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do
+the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have guessed that
+they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne Michelle" and "The King's
+Gift," for instance, are true gems, and they are offered to you at the
+price of paste. Nowhere will you find a better bargain for your shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELEN MACKAY, in _A Journal of Small Things_ (MELROSE), sets before us
+with, it might seem, almost too deliberate simplicity of idiom little
+scenes and remembered reflections of her days in France since the July of
+the terrible year. An American to whom France has come to be her adopted
+and most tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things, chiefly
+sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or by the wayside or in
+the houses of the simple and the great, shadowed alike by the all-embracing
+desolation of the War. The writer has a singular power of selecting the
+significant details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty
+and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book. Less happy
+perhaps and much less in the picture are the episodes learnt only at second
+hand and suggesting the technique and unreality of the imagined short
+story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRICELESS PLUMBER--AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW.
+
+_Troubled Householder (writing)._ "THERE IS A SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR
+WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR
+ESTEEMED SERVICES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:--
+
+    "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for insomnia."--_News
+    of the World._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CENSOR ABROAD.
+
+    "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's Court is
+    held in a room about upteen feet long by about upteen feet
+    wide."--_East African Standard._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."--_Advt. in South African Paper._
+
+This "Money Back" seems a new disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article in the _Berliner Tageblatt_ descriptive of life on the
+Western Front:--
+
+    "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad one would be
+    of a thaw in the trenches. But then the accursed time will come again
+    when the whole surface of Northern France sticks to the boot of the
+    German soldier."--_The Times._
+
+Our brave police must look to their laurels.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol.
+152, February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14767-8.txt or 14767-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14767/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/14767-8.zip b/old/14767-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9fb450e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-8.zip
diff --git a/old/14767-h.zip b/old/14767-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9193f9e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h.zip
diff --git a/old/14767-h/14767-h.htm b/old/14767-h/14767-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b9bb735
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/14767-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2709 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=us-ascii" />
+
+    <title>Punch, February 21st, 1917.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    p                    {text-align: justify;}
+    p.center             {text-align: center;}
+    p.author             {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;}
+    blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+    pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+
+    hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+    html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+    hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+    html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+    hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+    html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+    hr.shorter           {text-align: center; width: 10%;}
+    html>body hr.shorter   {margin-right: 45%; margin-left: 45%; width: 10%;}
+
+    .note
+    {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
+    .poem
+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i16          {margin-left: 8em;}
+
+    .advert
+    {margin-left:20%; margin-right:20%;}
+    .advert p
+    {text-align: center;}
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+    .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+    .figcenter p.i16     {text-indent: 8em;}
+    .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+    .figright            {float: right;}
+    .figleft             {float: left;}
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol. 152,
+February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol. 152, February 21st, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14767]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 21st, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page117"
+       id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the
+    way in which certain Americans are supporting President WILSON,
+    and he decided to read them a lesson they would not soon
+    forget. So he left America.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only
+    two shots were fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last
+    week.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in
+    the despatches from Kut is again in the hands of our troops.
+    Bronchial subjects who have been confining themselves to black
+    currant lozenges on patriotic grounds will welcome the
+    news.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that
+    owners of garments "bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will
+    not be permitted to replace them, and the demand among the
+    elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured waistcoats is said
+    to have already reached unprecedented figures.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"On the Western front," says <i>The Cologne Gazette</i>,
+    "the British are defeated." Some complaints are being made by
+    the Germans on the spot because they have not yet been
+    officially notified of the fact.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice
+    to a colleague in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be
+    on the look-out for the rice, intends to defeat their hopes by
+    substituting confetti.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of
+    rice at weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a
+    deterrent the stuff is useless.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The British," says the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i>, "what are
+    they? They are snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking,
+    snuffling, vain-glorious wallowers in misery...." It is thought
+    likely that the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> is vexed with us.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons,
+    will not attend. It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that
+    the punishment is no more severe than the House deserves.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber
+    sufficient extension to carry out a large repair job he had in
+    hand. This has caused some consternation among those who
+    imagined that the War would end this year.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as
+    extravagant by a lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own
+    household we hardly eat any bread at all. We practically live
+    on toast."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs
+    now arriving are nearly all brown and resemble those laid in
+    this country by the Cochin China fowl. This, however, is not
+    the only graceful concession to British prejudice, for the
+    eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so popular in
+    these islands.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/117.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/117.png"
+             alt="Pro Patria." /></a>
+
+        <h4>PRO PATRIA.</h4>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>An <i>Evening News</i> correspondent states that at one
+    restaurant last week a man consumed "a large portion of beef,
+    baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts, two big platefuls of bread,
+    apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of pats of butter and
+    a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have
+    ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the
+    band was playing it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one
+    "Food Hog" had for luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices
+    of roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, two vegetables and a
+    roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course the busy City man's
+    substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon nap.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for
+    those who are willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of
+    quantities of one ton or over should also bring their own paper
+    and string.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is
+    reported to have been seen in the Eastern counties during the
+    recent cold spell. In answer to a telephonic inquiry on the
+    matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological Gardens, was heard to
+    murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying
+    smoking materials into a munitions factory, explained in
+    defence that no locker had been assigned to him. The Bench
+    thereupon placed one at his disposal for a period of one
+    month.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>On the Somme, says <i>The Times</i>, the New Zealand
+    Pioneers, consisting of Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug
+    13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under German fire. The really
+    thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted the sympathy
+    of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single exception
+    of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our
+    vast Imperial possessions.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not
+    be lowered for women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of
+    inquiries as to whether "language" is a compulsory or an
+    alternative subject.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them
+    with the skin," says the writer of a recently published letter
+    on "Sparrows as Food." He forgets the very considerable economy
+    which can be achieved by having them baked in their
+    jackets.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every
+    artisan dwelling. Only last week we were pained by a photograph
+    in a weekly paper showing somebody reduced to taking his tub in
+    the icy Serpentine.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Motto for Housekeepers:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WEIGH IT AND SEE."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>National Service.</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>War has taught the truth that shines</p>
+
+            <p>Through the poet's noble lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Common are to either sex</p>
+
+            <p><i>Artifex</i> and <i>opifex</i>."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page118"
+       id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span>
+
+    <h2>WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Doubtless you feel that such a fight</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would be a huge <i>r&eacute;clame</i> for
+            Hundom;</p>
+
+            <p>That Earth would stagger at the sight</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of <i>Gulielmus contra Mundum;</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i4">That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,</p>
+
+            <p>Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>('Tis true you have Allies who share</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The toll you levy for the shambles,</p>
+
+            <p>Yet, judging by the frills you wear</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In this your most forlorn of gambles,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">One might suppose you stood alone</p>
+
+            <p>In solitary splendour all your own.)</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And if the game against you goes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As seems, I take it, fairly certain,</p>
+
+            <p>The Hero, felled by countless foes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Should make a rather useful curtain;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">You could with honour cry for grace,</p>
+
+            <p>Having preserved the thing you call your face.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I shouldn't count too much on that.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The globe is patient, slow and
+            pensive,</p>
+
+            <p>But has a way of crushing flat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The objects which it finds offensive;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And when it's done with you, my
+            brave,</p>
+
+            <p>I doubt if you will have a face to save.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+            <p class="center">O. S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A Lost Leader.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr.
+        Lloyd George."&mdash;<i>The Saturday Westminster
+        Gazette.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and
+    our contemporary has performed a genuine service in recording
+    this pathetic incident, which seems to have escaped all the
+    other reporters of the opening of Parliament.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his
+        father lived to be nearly a centurion."&mdash;<i>Wallasey
+        and Wirral Chronicle.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="center">"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        FLIGHT COMDRS.&mdash;Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to
+        retain his temp. tank whilst so empld."&mdash;<i>The
+        Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT
+    SPEED, in case the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now
+    being exhibited, should call for a second edition.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2&frac12; lb. of
+        meat, and &frac34; lb. of sugar&mdash;these are the
+        voluntary rations for each person for a week, and in a
+        household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of
+        bread and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of
+        sugar."&mdash;<i>Weekly Scotsman.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who
+    has the trick of it.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given,
+        buying for Government."&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This may account for the statement in another journal that
+    "the new Administration is going through teething
+    troubles."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an
+    exhibition of original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake
+    of Australia at 155, New Bond Street, beginning on February
+    22nd. The cartoons are the work of Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and
+    CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne <i>Punch.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>The PRESIDENT of the United States and
+    Mr. GERARD.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> Here you are then at last, my dear Mr.
+    GERARD. I am afraid you have had a long and uncomfortable
+    journey.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. Gerard.</i> Don't say a word about that, Mr.
+    President. It's all in the day's work, and, anyhow, it's an
+    immense pleasure to be back in one's own country.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> Yes, I can well believe that. Living
+    amongst Germans at this time can be no satisfaction to an
+    American citizen.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a
+    truer word than that in your life. The fact is the Germans have
+    all gone mad with self-esteem, and are convinced that every
+    criticism of their actions must have its foundations in envy
+    and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that, in spite
+    of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has
+    been an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer
+    it continues the worse their position becomes. The mixture of
+    these feelings makes them grossly arrogant and sensitive to the
+    last degree, and reasonable intercourse with them becomes
+    impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not pleasant people to
+    live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be away
+    from them.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> And as to their submarine warfare, do
+    they realise that we shall hold them to what they have
+    promised, and that if they persist in their policy of murder
+    there must be war between them and us?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> The certainty that you mean what you say has
+    but little effect on them. They argue in this way: Germany is
+    in difficulties; the submarine weapon is the only one that will
+    help Germany, therefore Germany must use that weapon ruthlessly
+    and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on behalf of
+    international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count
+    in the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German
+    uniform or look upon the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down,
+    therefore, with humanity and, incidentally, with America and
+    all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed to follow her
+    lead.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> So you think patience, moderation and
+    reasonable argument are all useless?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> See here, Mr. President, this is how the
+    matter stands. They imagine they can ruin England with their
+    submarines&mdash;they 're probably wrong, but that's their
+    notion&mdash;but if they give way to America this illegitimate
+    weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer
+    that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe
+    as yet that America means what she says and is determined to
+    fight rather than suffer these outrages to continue. The
+    Germans will try to throw dust in your eyes, Mr. President,
+    while continuing the submarine atrocities.</p>
+
+    <p><i>The President.</i> The Germans will soon be undeceived.
+    We will not suffer this wrong, and we will fight, if need be,
+    in order to prevent it. God knows we have striven to keep the
+    peace through months and years of racking anxiety. If war comes
+    it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that reproach
+    upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to
+    avoid it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though
+    they may clash with German ambitions and German methods. There
+    we are fixed, and to give way even by an inch would be to
+    dishonour our country and to show ourselves unworthy of the
+    freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the sword.
+    That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these
+    matters with such power of judgment as God has given me.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. G.</i> And to that every true American will say
+    Amen.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page119"
+       id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/119.png"
+             alt="War-Savings." /></a>
+
+        <h3>WAR-SAVINGS.</h3>
+
+        <p>SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD
+        AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."</p>
+
+        <p>FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG
+        AS I SAVE MY HEAD."</p>
+
+        <p>SULTAN. "SAME HERE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page120"
+       id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/120.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/120.png"
+             alt="Home Defence." /></a>
+
+        <h4>HOME DEFENCE.</h4>
+
+        <p>"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"</p>
+
+        <p>
+        "PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-
+          INSECT-PEST-EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">LVI.</p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;The weather is very seasonable for
+    the time of year, is it not? A nice nip in the air, as you
+    might say; thoroughly healthy for those at liberty to enjoy it
+    <i>al fresco</i>. I assure you the opportunity is not being
+    wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the
+    time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed
+    to be the exact moment to slip over to England and help keep
+    the home fires burning.</p>
+
+    <p>Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I
+    got there an officer, who appeared to be looking for something,
+    asked me what my rank was. In peace times I should have loved a
+    little unexpected sympathy like this; as a soldier, quite an
+    old soldier now, I dislike people who take an interest in me,
+    especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him very
+    much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were
+    sealed. His curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he
+    was, he said, a man from whom it was impossible to keep a
+    secret. He still wished to know what my rank was. I said it all
+    depended which of them he was referring to, since there are
+    three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom
+    one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a
+    plain civilian mister. Should we leave it at that, and let
+    bygones be bygones? He was meditating his answer, when I asked
+    him if he realised how close he was standing to the edge of the
+    quay, and when he turned round and looked I also turned round
+    and went....</p>
+
+    <p>The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was
+    either too young or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an
+    ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat didn't need to ask him what his
+    rank was; he recognized at a glance just the very type of
+    officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow to
+    the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and
+    men proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow
+    spent the best part of his days on the other side trying to get
+    rid of his party. I have not been two years in France without
+    discovering that you simply cannot be too careful when you are
+    attempting to get out of it.</p>
+
+    <p>When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself
+    changed. I was no longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my
+    uniform in a public restaurant, without any reserve. In
+    consequence they'd only let me eat three-and-sixpence worth for
+    my first meal. This time I was not so clever, it appeared, as I
+    thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a
+    civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got
+    less, and so it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that
+    I fell in for home. If I'd known I should have kept my
+    waterproof on for luncheon.</p>
+
+    <p>Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be
+    separated from our own by a High Sea all these months and
+    years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply ain't fair. In my case
+    there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a son amongst
+    sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing
+    good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool
+    who thinks all his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I
+    should be the very first to notice and call attention to it.
+    But he has not; dispassionately and from an entirely detached
+    and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is about him
+    an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different
+    level from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half
+    teeth I'm thinking of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and
+    badly managed hairs which wander about at the back of his bald
+    head and give him the look of a dissipated monk. It is just his
+    intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in everything about him.
+    Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout heart and an
+    unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights
+    those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt
+    turn of speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer
+    and a gentleman that he <i>is</i> unique.</p>
+
+    <p>Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many
+    pleasant hours to be spent in discussing with my son the things
+    which matter, I put on all my waterproofs, gave the porter a
+    twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook for a shilling,
+    even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for a
+    franc, and hastened home.</p>
+
+    <p>The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been
+    long in the company of my wife before I discovered that Another
+    had come between us. I had not been long with my son before I
+    discovered who that Other was.... I determined to have it out
+    with him at once. Feeling that the situation was one for
+    tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at
+    a disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with
+    his infamy. I addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I
+    told him I was well aware of his personal charm, but in this
+    instance I was bound to comment unfavourably on the use he had
+    made of it. The very last thing I had expected of him was that
+    at, or indeed before, the early age of one he would be stealing
+    the affections of another man's wife.</p>
+
+    <p>He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even
+    embarrassed by his immediate environment. In fact he turned it
+    to his own advantage, for his hairs, duly watered and soaped
+    down on to his cranium, lost their rakish look and gave him the
+    appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great intellect
+    and no little financial stability. As between one man and
+    another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion,
+    gave me to understand, with a jovial smile, that such little
+    incidents must always be expected as long as humanity remains
+    human, and repudiated all personal responsibility in this
+    instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it was the
+    woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and
+    his only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly
+    to repel her advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at
+    the attitude he adopted; it consisted in putting his foot in
+    one half <span class="pagenum"><a name="page121"
+       id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> of his mouth and breathing
+       stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started
+       making eyes at the nurse I was too shocked to stay any
+       longer.</p>
+
+    <p>Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the
+    next morning for my revenge. As the trustee of his future
+    wealth I had him in my power. Stepping across to the nearest
+    bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in his name and passed
+    it all on to the Government, then and there, to be spent,
+    <i>inter alia</i>, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to
+    his face that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made?
+    He merely called for a drink.</p>
+
+    <p>However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to
+    France I seized the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and
+    there took back from the Government for my own sole and
+    absolute use some of those very pounds my son had borrowed from
+    the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my wife, whom I
+    had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all
+    the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my
+    son's money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The
+    only result of my efforts therefore was to land me in a
+    financial transaction so complicated that I cannot even follow
+    it myself.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours ever,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">HENRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/121.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/121.png"
+             alt="Oh, Bobby, you mustn't have a second helping!" />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Shocked Sister</i>. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A
+        SECOND HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."</p>
+
+        <p class="author">[<i>Bobby, like a true Briton,
+        desists.</i>]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(SECOND SERIES.)</p>
+
+    <p class="center">XX.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">MILLWALL.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I leaned on the Mill-Wall</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Looking at the water,</p>
+
+            <p>I leaned on the Mill-Wall</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And saw the Nis's Daughter.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I saw the Nis's Daughter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Playing with her ball,</p>
+
+            <p>She tossed it and tossed it</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the Mill-Wall.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I saw the Nis's Goodwife</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Busy making lace</p>
+
+            <p>With her silver bobbins</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the Mill-Race.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then I saw the old Nis,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His hair to his heel,</p>
+
+            <p>Combing out the tangles</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On the Mill-Wheel.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The Miller came behind me</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And gave my ear a clout&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Get on with your business,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You good-for-nothing lout!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="center">XXI.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">CORNHILL.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The seed of the Corn is sown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the seed is sown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My love will ask for his own.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The blade of the Corn is shown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the blade is shown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I'll promise my love his own.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The ear of the Corn is grown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the ear is grown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My love shall have his own.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The sheaf of the Corn is mown;</p>
+
+            <p>When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My love will leave his own.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>One of our Optimists.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state
+        price."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the
+        Council of Empire after the party had pledged itself to
+        eschew a retrograd course."&mdash;<i>Manchester Evening
+        Chronicle</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to
+        grant sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and
+        Consular personnel."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this
+    hyphenated article.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page122"
+       id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">II.</p>
+
+    <p>Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a
+    billet better than me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you,
+    give us the best of everything in the 'ouse and our lives
+    wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the little
+    Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in
+    consekence. Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we
+    was given one apiece and their end of the table had next to
+    nothin' on when ours was weighed down with sausages and
+    suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
+    lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues
+    out. But it were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was
+    moved to Mrs. Larkins's that we had a better time in store.</p>
+
+    <p>"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she
+    said to the billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody
+    wouldn't like to coddle 'em better than I should, but 'twould
+    be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If 'ardships are in store
+    for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I says, and it
+    won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."</p>
+
+    <p>"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to
+    sleep on ready and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who
+    with a woman's heart in her could put you on a feather bed
+    knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth before three weeks
+    is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw on the
+    floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall
+    get used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom
+    to make a draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind
+    over there."</p>
+
+    <p>It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim.
+    He's inclined to toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as
+    big as a football. "I <i>am</i> thankful I thought of the
+    winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered terrible if
+    you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
+    you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster
+    'ud ease you direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such
+    things as pepper plasters, and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste
+    the luxury of one over 'ere."</p>
+
+    <p>Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took
+    out, but Mrs. Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow,"
+    she said, "do you think a doctor'll come along with his
+    pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in the trenches?
+    You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew. I'll
+    lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her
+    just at present, he was feelin' a little easier.</p>
+
+    <p>She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn
+    you out beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a
+    second time," she said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness,
+    knowin' you'll be fendin' for yourselves in a 'ole in the
+    ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow to do it now.
+    There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
+    fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall
+    learn 'ow to light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the
+    saucepans out of your way; it ain't likely you'll 'ave
+    saucepans over there."</p>
+
+    <p>We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's.
+    She said it made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be
+    grateful to 'er one day for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels
+    for ourselves or go without 'em.</p>
+
+    <p>One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked
+    Mrs. Larkins if she would be so kind as to sew it on for him.
+    "Nothin' would please me better than to sew 'em all on, they're
+    mostly 'angin' by a thread," she said; "but do you expect to
+    find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew on your buttons?
+    You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you learn
+    'ow to do it the better."</p>
+
+    <p>We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our
+    other billets, but when the second Sunday come at Mrs.
+    Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a clean shirt we felt
+    obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and a
+    bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."</p>
+
+    <p>When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire
+    to dry; but she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire
+    to dry 'em by over there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em
+    wet." And when we got the rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet
+    shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be without it over there.
+    It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be sorry if I
+    see you limpin' a bit more."</p>
+
+    <p>It took us some time in the trenches to get over our
+    'ardenin' at Mrs. Larkins's.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of
+        paper to be content with lower shades of whiteness, and
+        generally to refrain from all demands that would interfere
+        with the desired economy. All that is asked for is the
+        sacrifice of an&aelig;sthetic requirements, in view of
+        national need."&mdash;<i>East Anglian Daily Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is
+    certainly painful and we must insist on an
+    an&aelig;sthetic.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="advert">
+        <h2>THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.</h2>
+
+        <h4><i>COMFORT AND JOY'S</i></h4>
+
+        <h4><b>New Books for the Million.</b></h4>
+
+        <p>ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,</p>
+
+        <p>THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.</p>
+
+        <h3>6/-</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly adorable
+            Countess, her four husbands and her ultimate conversion
+            to Tolstoianism. Please write for scenario, with
+            Author's portrait in hygienic costume and sandals.
+        </blockquote>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,</p>
+
+        <h4>FAREWELL, VIRTUE.</h4>
+
+        <h3>6/-</h3>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            Lovers of <i>In Quest of Crime</i> will not fail to be
+            enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian
+            self-expression.
+        </blockquote>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p><i>By the Author of</i> "<i>The Little Oilcan</i>,"</p>
+
+        <h4>MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.</h4>
+
+        <p>BY JIMBO JONES.</p>
+
+        <p>First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of any
+        Dustman.</p>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.</p>
+
+        <h4>THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,</h4>
+
+        <p>BY ALEXANDER TRIPE</p>
+
+        <p>(Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!</i></p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            "Verax," in <i>The Daily Lyre</i>, says, "This is a
+            colossally cerebral book. By the side of Tripe, Balzac
+            is a bungling beginner and Zola a finicking
+            dilettante."
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            <i>The Manxman</i> says: "A wonderful panorama of the
+            life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince; with full details
+            of his wardrobe, his taste in liqueurs, his emotions
+            and dissipations.... Simply must be read by anyone who
+            wishes to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the
+            luscious."
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            Mr. John Pougher writes in <i>Saturn</i>:&mdash;"Tripe
+            is the most nourishing author I know. To adapt
+            Dickens's famous phrase, there is a juiciness in his
+            work which would enchant a scavenger."
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><b>2/-</b> <i>net or three copies for</i> <b>5/-</b>
+        <i>and four</i> (<i>with 1 lb. of sugar</i>) <i>for</i>
+        <b>6/-</b></p>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>GENERAL LITERATURE.</p>
+        <hr class="shorter" />
+
+        <h4>WAS MILTON A MORMON?</h4>
+
+        <p>BY FLAMMA BELL.</p>
+
+        <p>A book for polygamists of all ages.</p>
+
+        <p><b>1/-</b> <i>net, or</i> <b>1/9</b> <i>with 1 lb. of
+        margarine</i>.</p>
+
+        <h4>LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.</h4>
+
+        <p>BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.</p>
+
+        <blockquote>
+            How to be happy though unwashed. National thrift in a
+            nutshell.
+        </blockquote>
+
+        <p><i>With portrait of the Author in
+        black-and-white.</i><br />
+        <b>1/-</b> <i>net.</i></p>
+        <hr />
+
+        <p>INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.</p>
+        <hr class="shorter" />
+
+        <h4>IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM</h4>
+
+        <p>(<i>With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut with
+        HINDENBURG</i>).</p>
+
+        <h4>IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.</h4>
+
+        <h4>IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.</h4>
+
+        <h4>IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT BUDA-PESTH.</h4>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page123"
+       id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/123.png"
+             alt="I shall nevair onderstand zis language." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Neutral Waiter</i>. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS
+        LANGUAGE. ZAT OFFICER&mdash;I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING,
+        'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY AND FED OP'!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SIGNS OF THE TIMES.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [The management of <i>The Times</i>, of which the price was
+        raised on Monday to twopence, is anxious, in view of the
+        paper famine, to restore the old custom by which this
+        journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned, whether
+        gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal.
+        Having "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the
+        circulation of each copy in several houses daily, the
+        managers will not hesitate, as a last resort, to increase
+        the selling price to sevenpence per copy."]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The Evening Uproar</i>."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.</p>
+
+    <p>Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this
+    afternoon. Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed
+    middle-aged man, at present unidentified, was observed stealing
+    cautiously from the Tube station with a thick wad of Treasury
+    notes in one hand and <i>a copy of "The Times" in the
+    other!</i> The sight of this latter seems to have sent several
+    passers-by completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly
+    set upon, his journal torn from his hand and his limbs very
+    severely mauled. The Treasury notes, unremarked in the fearful
+    <i>m&eacute;l&eacute;e</i>, fell into the mud and were devoured
+    by a passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless
+    document were in turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly
+    Circus became a battlefield. The deplorable behaviour of
+    motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to the carnage, for
+    these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot within
+    their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething
+    mass of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable
+    treasure. No official estimate of the casualties is yet to
+    hand.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Stop Press</i>.&mdash;Reason to believe unknown
+    archdeacon got away West with part of sheet of "Finance and
+    Commerce." Police, specials, military and fire-brigade now in
+    pursuit.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From the Press generally</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.</p>
+
+    <p>At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an
+    unread and unsoiled copy of yesterday's <i>Times</i>. The donor
+    of this superb gift desires to remain anonymous, but his
+    incredible generosity is expected to benefit charity to the
+    extent of several thousand pounds.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The New Britain</i>."</p>
+
+    <p class="center">SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.</p>
+
+    <p>A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice
+    of the Rag and Bones Controller. A copy of <i>The Times</i>
+    (including the Uruguay Supplement of 94 pages), issued four
+    months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R. and B.
+    Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of
+    col. 1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire
+    household then read from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108.
+    Baron Goldenschein tells us that his cook with difficulty could
+    be persuaded to tear herself away from the Uruguay Supplement.
+    All the tenants on the estate&mdash;some eighty
+    souls&mdash;then enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting
+    it to relatives in various parts of the United Kingdom. At the
+    end of three months it is estimated that over one thousand
+    persons had read this copy of <i>The Times</i>. The Baron also
+    informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper
+    from remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments
+    have been collected and pasted together the whole will be
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page124"
+       id="page124"></a>[pg 124]</span> despatched to those
+       residents in the Isle of Man who have never heard of <i>The
+       Times</i>.</p>
+
+    <p class="center"><i>From</i> "<i>The Wiggleswick
+    Weekly</i>":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p class="center">IMPORTANT NOTICE.</p>
+
+    <p>From Monday next the price of <i>The Wiggleswick Weekly</i>
+    (with which is incorporated <i>The Bindleton Advertiser</i> and
+    <i>The Swashborough Gazette</i>) will be 17<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>
+    per copy. If this&mdash;the forty-seventh&mdash;increase in
+    price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation
+    we shall unhesitatingly advance the price to &pound;1
+    9<i>s.</i> 5&frac34;<i>d.</i> per copy. The management of
+    <i>The Wiggleswick Weekly</i> is determined, at no matter what
+    sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>From an ecclesiastical magazine:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Vicar of &mdash;&mdash; has promised to address our
+        branch of the C.E.M.S. as soon as he can arrange a fine and
+        moonlight evening."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would
+    let us have the prescription. There should be money in it.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/124.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/124.png"
+             alt="So glad to see you out again." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Doctor's Wife</i>. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE
+        DOCTOR AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO
+        MAKE UP THE BOOKS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SOME MORE BAD WORDS.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In a recent verse adventure</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I compiled "a little list"</p>
+
+            <p>Of the verbs deserving censure,</p>
+
+            <p>Verbs that "never would be missed";</p>
+
+            <p>Now, to flatter the fastidious,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Suffer me the work to crown</p>
+
+            <p>With three epithets&mdash;all hideous&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And one noisome noun.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>First, to add to the recital</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of the words that gall and irk,</p>
+
+            <p>Is the old offender "vital,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Done to death by overwork;</p>
+
+            <p>Only a prolonged embargo</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On its use by Press and pen</p>
+
+            <p>Can recall this kind of <i>argot</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Back to life again.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I, in days not very distant,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Though the memory gives me pain,</p>
+
+            <p>From the awful word "insistent"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Did not utterly refrain;</p>
+
+            <p>Once it promised to refresh us,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Seemed to be alert enough;</p>
+
+            <p>Now I loathe it, laboured, precious&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Merely verbal fluff.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Thirdly, in the sheets that daily</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cater for our vulgar needs,</p>
+
+            <p>There's a word that figures gaily</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In reviewers' friendly screeds,</p>
+
+            <p>Who declare a book's "arresting,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mostly, it must be confessed,</p>
+
+            <p>Meaning just the problem-questing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which deserves arrest.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Last and vilest of this bad band</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is that noun of gruesome sound,</p>
+
+            <p>"Uplift," which the clan of <i>Chadband</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Hold in reverence profound;</p>
+
+            <p>Used for a dynamic function</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'Tis a word devoid of guile,</p>
+
+            <p>Only as connoting unction</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It excites my bile.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Why, fastidious poetaster,</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Waste your energy and breath</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Like a petulant schoolmaster</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Only doing words to death?</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Needlessly you slate and scourge us;</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>War, that sifts and tries and
+            tests,</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>May be safely left to purge us</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2"><i>Of these verbal pests.</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>England, February, 1917.&mdash;"The great loan land."</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page125"
+       id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/125.png"
+             alt="The Last Throw." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE LAST THROW.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page126"
+       id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, February 12th</i>.&mdash;Question-time, which
+    towards the end of last Session was extended by a
+    quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old limits.
+    Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the
+    reason, but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at
+    the disappearance of what was often a <i>triste quart
+    d'heure</i>. One can easily have a surfeit of the piquant
+    humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the <i>Rosa
+    Dartles</i> of the House.</p>
+
+    <p>The new Administration received some useful support from an
+    unexpected quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps,
+    by the discovery that he had been a trifle of 350 millions out
+    in his Budget estimate of the cost of the War, was fain to
+    rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of Credit on
+    one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some
+    dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a
+    General Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that
+    exactly the same thing had been done this time last year when
+    Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the Exchequer.</p>
+
+    <p>"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited
+    lieutenant, who thereupon went off on another tack and
+    proceeded to express doubts as to the wisdom of over-sea
+    expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate. "Why did you
+    go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway. As
+    Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House
+    nor the country will stand much criticism of the new Government
+    by members of the old one.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, February 13th</i>.&mdash;Lord BERESFORD, in
+    latter days heard with difficulty in the House of Commons, has
+    found his voice again in the ampler air of the Gilded Chamber.
+    His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril and how to
+    defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the
+    far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord
+    LYTTON, who, though not exactly a typical British tar in
+    appearance, has evidently absorbed a full measure of the
+    sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the exact nature of the
+    steps that are being taken to deal with the sea-highwaymen, he
+    made the comforting announcement that already we had achieved
+    very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON,
+    who revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member
+    of the Board of Admiralty, and was able to state that, after
+    two years of "frightfulness," the British mercantile marine was
+    only a small fraction below its tonnage at the
+    commencement.</p>
+
+    <p>The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over
+    which so many Parliamentary battles have been fought, were
+    swept away in a moment this afternoon when Captain BATHURST
+    announced in his usual level tones that British farmers would
+    in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as little
+    compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the
+    sacredness of close-time.</p>
+
+    <p>After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject
+    to the opinion of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a
+    pheasant-proprietor, Members took a little time to recover
+    their breath. But some of them were soon hard at work again
+    heckling the Government over the multiplication of new
+    departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose
+    reverence for the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to
+    Ireland) knows no bounds, could hardly contain his fury at the
+    setting up of a War Cabinet&mdash;"a body utterly unknown to
+    the law"&mdash;and the inclusion therein of Ministers without
+    portfolios but with salaries.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/126.png"
+             alt="The Great Push." /></a> THE GREAT PUSH.
+             CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from
+    Mr. RUNCIMAN and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten
+    what happened to Mr. MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a
+    distinguished Member of a Government under which both the
+    Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in peace-time to
+    unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from
+    complaining that under the present <i>r&eacute;gime</i> the
+    Administration had been further magnified until, if all its
+    members, including Under-Secretaries, were present, they would
+    fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already it is a
+    much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene
+    of a Great Push.</p>
+
+    <p>If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they
+    would draw the PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private
+    room, it was doomed to disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting
+    his position as Leader of the House, and not, as some people
+    seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S deputy, made a spirited
+    defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as being essential
+    for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents, if
+    they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to
+    move a Vote of Censure.</p>
+
+    <p>At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to
+    discover the emblems on the new Treasury Note&mdash;the rose,
+    the thistle, the shamrock and the daffodil (this last for
+    Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is rarely to be
+    descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, February 14th</i>.&mdash;To-day the
+    Vice-Chamberlain of the Household bore a message from the KING
+    in reply to the Address. The House on these occasions is apt to
+    be less interested in the message than in the messenger, and
+    watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march
+    from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The
+    present holder of the office does his work so featly and with
+    such obvious enjoyment as to give a new significance to the
+    phrase ... "With nods and BECKS and wreath&egrave;d
+    smiles."</p>
+
+    <p>Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a
+    bloodthirsty and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for
+    Sir JOHN REES to find a redeeming feature in his character.
+    Among all his crimes, he never, it seems, prohibited the
+    consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy that his own
+    efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available
+    for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma
+    into a "dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than
+    that he declined (very properly) to take THEBAW as his
+    model.</p>
+
+    <p>No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD
+    NORTHCOTE'S time <span class="pagenum"><a name="page127"
+       id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> has occupied a more
+       difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily
+       becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture
+       upon a joke or two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of
+       the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the ground, <i>inter alia</i>,
+       that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr. LAW
+       suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the
+       House, which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S
+       frequent and acidulated interposition, noted his
+       discomfiture with approving cheers.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, February 15th</i>.&mdash;Lord CURZON, in a
+    happy phrase, described the late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident
+    about powers which were in excess of the ordinary." Is not that
+    true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under the stress
+    of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and
+    strength of its latent forces.</p>
+
+    <p>There are, of course, exceptions to this rule&mdash;strong
+    men who are fully conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON,
+    for example, who sought a comprehensive return of all the
+    buildings commandeered and staffs employed by the multifarious
+    new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would put too
+    great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to
+    winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would
+    give him access to their books he would draw up a return in a
+    couple of days. Either the evil has been greatly exaggerated or
+    Lord MIDLETON is a super-statistician for whose services
+    another hotel or two ought to be immediately secured.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/127.png"
+             alt="I don't think much of that Corporal, Sergeant." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Officer</i>. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT
+        CORPORAL, SERGEANT."</p>
+
+        <p class="center">&nbsp;</p>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Sergeant</i>. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR;
+        HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."</p>
+
+        <p class="center">&nbsp;</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker;
+        10s."&mdash;<i>The Bazaar</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been
+        sunk by submarines twice, and in some cases three
+        times."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not
+    have happened.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Matrimony.&mdash;Gentleman coming into means desires to
+        correspond with Lady having means; this is
+        genuine."&mdash;<i>Scotch Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into
+    means" then?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Question of the Day.</h4>
+
+    <p>What are a rational nation's national rations?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and
+        abroad to preparation for the campaign in the spring.
+        Actually, a great deal of water has passed under the
+        Thames."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames
+    tunnel.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at
+    Liverpool:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A
+        voice, 'I hope not.') Yes, there would be parties&mdash;no
+        free country with free institutions was ever without
+        them&mdash;but he did not think they would be quite the
+        sane parties."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But were they ever?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper
+        'A Nap' has been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for
+        publishing an article the contents of which were considered
+        to be dangerous to the interests of the war
+        campaign."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty
+    regularly of an evening, and must now forgo this simple
+    luxury.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page128"
+       id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/128.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/128.png"
+             alt="Farmer and workers." /></a>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Giles</i>. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE
+        TO THE LIKES O' WE, MEASTER."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Farmer</i>. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER?
+        AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"</p>
+
+        <p class="i16"><i>Giles</i>. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S
+        EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN' WELL!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ART OF DETACHMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Being a letter from a cloistered lady
+    visiting London to her sister in the Shires.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>My dear Ruth,&mdash;Beginning at the beginning, let me tell
+    you that you must at once go to the station to inquire how it
+    is that they forced me to pay thirty shillings for my ticket,
+    instead of one pound. Although the price one pound is printed
+    on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten shillings
+    extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want
+    you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in
+    the booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see
+    the station-master about it.</p>
+
+    <p>The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas
+    of London are wrong. You remember how we used to be told about
+    its wonderful lighting at night, and the comfort of its hotels,
+    and the bright shops, and the crowds of taxis, and so on. Well,
+    this isn't true at all. So far from being well-lighted, I
+    assure you that our few little streets and market square are a
+    blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely
+    dark, and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little
+    light that crossing the road is most perilous. The thing could
+    be put right in a moment if they would only see to it that the
+    lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at several of them and I
+    could see exactly what was wrong&mdash;a coat of grimy stuff
+    has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be
+    quite easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to
+    do it. I suppose that London is very badly managed; and here
+    again I think the advantage lies with us, for I am certain that
+    our District Council would never allow such a state of things.
+    Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.</p>
+
+    <p>The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only
+    they don't know how to apply it. Every night, directly it
+    begins to be dark, great streams of light are turned on from
+    all parts of the city; but would you believe it, they are
+    directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the street,
+    but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District
+    Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would
+    tell him.</p>
+
+    <p>Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the
+    Jerusalem Hotel, but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel
+    people why the central heating was not on, they said that there
+    is no coal. At least it seems that there is coal, but no one to
+    deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant returning such a
+    reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in London
+    they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men
+    who ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't
+    imagine. Anyhow, as I was freezing, I moved into lodgings,
+    where there is coal, although an exorbitant price is asked for
+    each scuttle.</p>
+
+    <p>The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new
+    speculation called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as
+    it is so well spoken of and is to pay the large dividend of
+    5&frac14; per cent. I have arranged to invest something for
+    each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter&mdash;a Mr.
+    BONAR LAW&mdash;is, but it would be awful for us if he turned
+    out to be a JABEZ BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all
+    investment is a gamble, and we can only hope for the best. He
+    must have some peculiar position or the papers would not
+    support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of
+    public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his
+    prospectus as their text and literally imploring the people to
+    invest. Quite like the South Sea Bubble we read
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page129"
+       id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> of in MACAULAY; but please
+       Heaven it won't turn out to be another.</p>
+
+    <p>I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing,
+    except that her family could not afford to put anything in.
+    "But your daughters earn very good money," I said. "That's
+    true," she replied, "but all that they have over after their
+    clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the pictures;
+    and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them
+    their pleasures, not I."</p>
+
+    <p>Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of
+    entertainment in this city there are millions who are like
+    them. But I couldn't help thinking that if so much money seems
+    really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW is really a public
+    benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert some of
+    the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone
+    for sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to
+    be at war most of these places would naturally be shut up.</p>
+
+    <p>By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just
+    now. I have heard numbers of people, all in different places,
+    such as the Tube and omni-buses and tea-shops, using very
+    strong terms about them. It has been quite a series of
+    coincidences.</p>
+
+    <p>No more for the present from</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Your affectionate</p>
+
+    <p class="author">LOUISA.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/129.png"
+             alt="Now, Bobby, be a good boy and come and say your prayers." />
+        </a>
+
+        <p class="i16">"NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY
+        YOUR PRAYERS."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16">"I DON'T WANT TO."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16">"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT
+        ONCE."</p>
+
+        <p class="i16">"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE
+        GERMANS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">III.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Tub-swill, tub-swill! <i>have</i> you any
+            tub-swill?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I will send my footman to fetch it, if I
+            may;</p>
+
+            <p>For I'm hoping <i>all</i> the restaurants and all
+            the nicest clubs will</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Give me broken victuals, if I send for
+            them each day;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">In the Park, in Piccadilly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Down at Ascot, in the Shires,</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">We've been up in terms like "filly,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">"Dams" and "sires,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">"Smooths" and "wires;"</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars"</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And it's "suckers" and it's
+            "stores"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">The terms that one acquires</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Now we're keeping pigs to pay.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Hog-wash, hog-wash! <i>are</i> you selling
+            hog-wash</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic
+            spray?</p>
+
+            <p>Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog
+            wash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's
+            holding sway.</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Oh, indeed, it's <i>worse</i> than
+            silly</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">If a person now admires</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">An inedible young filly,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Dams and sires,</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Smooths and wires;</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">For in gilts and in boars</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">And in suckers and in stores</p>
+
+            <p class="i8">Proper keenness one acquires</p>
+
+            <p class="i6">Now we're keeping pigs to pay.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the
+        Austrian Emperor a Field-Marshal.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The material damage done was
+        insignificant."&mdash;<i>Glasgow Evening Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But the moral effect was tremendous.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "More Food.&mdash;Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase
+        stock open-air pig-farm."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much
+    about.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page130"
+       id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span>
+
+    <h2>OXFORD REVISITED.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Last week, a prey to military duty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I turned my lagging footsteps to the
+            West;</p>
+
+            <p>I have a natural taste for scenic beauty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all my pent emotions may be
+            guessed</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">To find myself again</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At Didcot, loathliest junction of the
+            plain.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But all things come unto the patient waiter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous
+            blue</p>
+
+            <p>Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Almost exactly as they used to do</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In 1898,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When I became an undergraduate.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"O joys whereto I went as to a bridal,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a
+            brow</p>
+
+            <p>That no amount of culture (herpecidal)</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Will coax the semblance of a crop from
+            now,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Once more I make ye mine;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There is a train that leaves at half-past
+            nine.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"In a rude land where life among the boys is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One long glad round of cards and coffin
+            juice,</p>
+
+            <p>And any sort of intellectual poise is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The constant butt of well-expressed
+            abuse,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And it is no disgrace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To put a table-knife inside one's
+            face,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I have remembered picnics on the Isis,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and
+            tea,</p>
+
+            <p>Nor ever dreamed a European crisis</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would make a British soldier out of
+            me&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">The mute inglorious kind</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That push the beastly war on from
+            behind.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are beckoning to me with the old
+            allure;</p>
+
+            <p>The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Which I for one-and-ninepence can
+            secure,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Reaching on Memory's wing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled
+            spring."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The dreams that cheat the mind's
+            responsive eye!</p>
+
+            <p>Where are the undergrads in gay profusion</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Whose waistcoats made melodious the
+            High,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">All the <i>jeunesse dor&eacute;e</i></p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That shed the glamour of an elder
+            day?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Can this be Oxford? And is that my college</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That vomits khaki through its sacred
+            gate?</p>
+
+            <p>Are those the schools where once I aired my
+            knowledge</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where nurses pass and ambulances
+            wait?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Ah! sick ones, pale of face,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I too have suffered tortures in that
+            place!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Balliol is bare of all but mild
+            Hindoos;</p>
+
+            <p>The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Are in the trenches giving Fritz the
+            Blues,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And many a stout D.D.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Is digging trenches with the V.T.C.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Why press the search when every hallowed close
+            is</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming
+            fours;</p>
+
+            <p>While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Loud summons, and the hoarse
+            bull-sergeant roars,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">While almost out of view</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The thrumming biplane cleaves the
+            astonished blue?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">These splendid youths with zeal and
+            courage fired,</p>
+
+            <p>But as for Private Me, M.A.&mdash;why, blow it!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The very sight of soldiers makes me
+            tired;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Learning&mdash;detached, apart&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I sought, not War's reverberating
+            art.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yain search! But see! One ancient institution</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Still doing business at the same old
+            stand;</p>
+
+            <p>'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That erst dispensed my slender
+            cash-in-hand;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">I'll borrow of their pelf</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And buy some War Loan to console
+            myself.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+            <p class="center">ALGOL.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE GREAT INVESTMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p>I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an
+    indemnity of &pound;2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a
+    tenner or so because the KAISER has done so much to beautify
+    our banks. Once they were cold cheerless places. A suspicion of
+    an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love to go to the
+    bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads
+    bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they
+    were not looking up the details of my account I should be
+    perfectly happy.</p>
+
+    <p>Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5&frac14; per
+    cent. by borrowing money from my bank at five per cent. This
+    seemed to be the kind of investment I had been looking for. I
+    found that if I took a million on those terms I should draw a
+    net income of &pound;2,500 a year. But I am a patriot. It
+    seemed to me that &pound;2,500 a year was rather more than I
+    was worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of
+    course I might be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I
+    resolved to avoid greed and ask for a simple hundred
+    thousand.</p>
+
+    <p>So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type
+    of beauty, "I want to see the manager, please. Concerning an
+    important investment in War Loan," I added hastily, fearing
+    lest the damsel should conclude that I wanted an ordinary
+    overdraft.</p>
+
+    <p>I was ushered into the manager's private room.</p>
+
+    <p>"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you
+    advance money at five per cent. to make the purchase."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming.</p>
+
+    <p>I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch
+    somewhere.</p>
+
+    <p>"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear
+    Sir," he gasped, "have you any prospect of being able to save a
+    hundred thousand during the next year or so?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I
+    should be both surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a
+    year. Still I might do it, you know. I should have to give up
+    tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations hitherto unknown to me
+    died and left me handsome legacies. You are always seeing these
+    things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost
+    Australian Uncle.'"</p>
+
+    <p>"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred?
+    You need not pay a deposit. I'll give you a form."</p>
+
+    <p>"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say?
+    Well, I decline your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten
+    much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash."</p>
+
+    <p>I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the
+    blonde, brown and auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred
+    thousand in War Loan. I had imagined their eyes gleaming at the
+    spectacle of one-tenth of a millionaire.</p>
+
+    <p>And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I
+    have worked up my balance a little above its present total,
+    namely &pound;2 1<i>s.</i> 9<i>d.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page131"
+       id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/131.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/131.png"
+             alt="Driviving Instructor and very nervous lady." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Instructor</i> (<i>to very nervous lady, who, with a
+        view to war-work, is inquiring about tuition</i>). "OF
+        COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE
+        SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40&mdash;50, AND FINISH YOU OFF IN
+        TRAFFIC."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks</i>.)</p>
+
+    <p><i>If Wishes were Horses</i> (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of
+    the most engaging novels that I have met for some time. The
+    matter of it, perhaps, is nothing very new: a story of
+    expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the writer,
+    Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift
+    of making you believe in her people. All the characters are
+    vigorously alive. The result is that one follows with quite
+    unusual interest the chequered career of her central figure,
+    <i>Martin Leffley</i>, from his introduction as a frankly
+    unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he
+    always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P.,
+    and, incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the
+    wonderful devotion of <i>Rose</i>, the wife whom throughout the
+    tale he has bullied and undervalued. Nor is <i>Rose</i>
+    herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less
+    memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to
+    <i>Aunt Polly</i>, the kindly dealer in old clothes, who
+    imagined the Savile to be a night club. But, as I say, the
+    whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I fear for the
+    story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a
+    super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the
+    paths of melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the
+    unexpected beauty and dignity of the closing chapter would have
+    redeemed a more serious lapse.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>Forced to Fight</i> (HEINEMANN) is the record of a
+    Schleswig Dane set forth by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably
+    translated from the Danish by INGEBORG LUND. It is a book that
+    with a singular skill and with a passion that never gets out of
+    hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration
+    lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of
+    Li&eacute;ge, fought in Flanders, then on the Russian Front and
+    again in the Argonne, whence a shattered elbow sent him home
+    broken and <i>aged</i>&mdash;that is what his chronicler
+    emphasises&mdash;not by the wound, but by the long horror and
+    fatigue of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his
+    sufferings lay in the fact that as a Dane he went without any
+    of the great hopes and passions that inspired his German
+    comrades, of whom however he speaks with no ill-will. He took
+    part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian villages,
+    loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that
+    the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world
+    will remember to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You
+    get an impression of the added horror of this War for the
+    imaginative temperamental, and some pathetic pictures of all
+    the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven people on
+    the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to
+    the splendour of world-dominion&mdash;a vision of desolate
+    homes and countrysides empty of all but very old men.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The first lines of <i>Still Life</i> (CONSTABLE), which
+    begins in "the night train from the German frontier to Paris,"
+    gave me much the same impression of impossibility (was there
+    ever such a train?) that I should have felt about a story that
+    opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to some,
+    different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess
+    that Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps
+    may admire the pains lavished
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page132"
+       id="page132"></a>[pg 132]</span> by the author in analysing
+       the emotions of a group of characters whose temperaments
+       certainly give him every opportunity for this exercise. An
+       impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have
+       (reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way
+       through the plot; first in Paris&mdash;where you may make a
+       shrewd guess at his pre-occupations&mdash;then in an English
+       village, to which he has eloped with the wife of a friend;
+       in France again, and so on. The emotions to which these
+       amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with
+       a care that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique
+       nineties than anything belonging to these more vigorous
+       days. I am far from suggesting that, as a study in
+       super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed
+       scenes of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it
+       is out of date, or (I should perhaps better say)
+       conspicuously out of harmony with the present time. But if
+       you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another
+       matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should
+       preserve this book on some shelf not too accessible by those
+       who are still young enough to overestimate its
+       importance.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from
+    the new Haymarket play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part
+    author, to what I suppose was the last story he ever wrote,
+    <i>The Lady in the Black Mask</i> (MILLS AND BOON), which
+    begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It
+    begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I
+    regret to add, than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home
+    from the theatre, the girl whose companion she was, pleading
+    fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to a masked ball,
+    wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her
+    mistress. The two girls, <i>Ruth</i>, the heroine, and
+    <i>Damia</i>, lived in a gloomy house with old <i>Mr.
+    Verinder</i>, who was <i>Damia's</i> guardian. But when
+    <i>Ruth</i> returned from the ball she found that this
+    arrangement no longer held good, <i>Verinder</i> having been
+    melodramatically stabbed during her absence. And as no one
+    knew, or would ever believe, that it was <i>Damia</i> and not
+    herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty
+    gambit of intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension
+    is not quite sustained, partly because the characters all
+    behave in an increasingly foolish and improbable fashion (even
+    for tales of this genre); partly because there is never
+    sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of course,
+    <i>Damia</i>) who really killed <i>Verinder</i>. Still, of its
+    kind, as the sort of shocker that used to be valued at a
+    shilling, but appears, like everything else, to have risen in
+    price, <i>The Lady in the Black Mask</i> is fairly up to the
+    average. I fancy her profits might have been greater before the
+    discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the
+    environment for which she is best fitted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The
+    Bodley Head I have no doubt that <i>Canada Chaps</i> will be
+    welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs. SIME will not mind my
+    saying that the best of her tales are those which have more to
+    do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and of
+    fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring
+    quite true. It is just the difference between the soldier
+    telling his own artless and rugged tale and someone else
+    telling it for him with a touch of artifice. But when the
+    author merely uses the War as her background she writes with
+    real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do
+    the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have
+    guessed that they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne
+    Michelle" and "The King's Gift," for instance, are true gems,
+    and they are offered to you at the price of paste. Nowhere will
+    you find a better bargain for your shilling.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>HELEN MACKAY, in <i>A Journal of Small Things</i> (MELROSE),
+    sets before us with, it might seem, almost too deliberate
+    simplicity of idiom little scenes and remembered reflections of
+    her days in France since the July of the terrible year. An
+    American to whom France has come to be her adopted and most
+    tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things,
+    chiefly sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or
+    by the wayside or in the houses of the simple and the great,
+    shadowed alike by the all-embracing desolation of the War. The
+    writer has a singular power of selecting the significant
+    details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty
+    and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book.
+    Less happy perhaps and much less in the picture are the
+    episodes learnt only at second hand and suggesting the
+    technique and unreality of the imagined short story.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/132.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/132.png"
+             alt="The Priceless Plumber" /></a> THE PRICELESS
+             PLUMBER&mdash;AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW.
+
+        <p><i>Troubled Householder (writing).</i> "THERE IS A
+        SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY
+        NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR ESTEEMED
+        SERVICES."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+    <p>From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for
+        insomnia."&mdash;<i>News of the World.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <h4>The Censor Abroad.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's
+        Court is held in a room about upteen feet long by about
+        upteen feet wide."&mdash;<i>East African Standard.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."&mdash;<i>Advt. in
+        South African Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This "Money Back" seems a new disease.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>From an article in the <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> descriptive
+    of life on the Western Front:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad
+        one would be of a thaw in the trenches. But then the
+        accursed time will come again when the whole surface of
+        Northern France sticks to the boot of the German
+        soldier."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Our brave police must look to their laurels.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol.
+152, February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14767-h.htm or 14767-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14767/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/117.png b/old/14767-h/images/117.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9de733f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/117.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/119.png b/old/14767-h/images/119.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c7063fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/119.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/120.png b/old/14767-h/images/120.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..621928a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/120.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/121.png b/old/14767-h/images/121.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7011749
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/121.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/123.png b/old/14767-h/images/123.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cb1b80e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/123.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/124.png b/old/14767-h/images/124.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0025d40
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/124.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/125.png b/old/14767-h/images/125.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1e09502
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/125.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/126.png b/old/14767-h/images/126.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..066bf30
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/126.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/127.png b/old/14767-h/images/127.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9405f1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/127.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/128.png b/old/14767-h/images/128.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c06655
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/128.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/129.png b/old/14767-h/images/129.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b9a9969
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/129.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/131.png b/old/14767-h/images/131.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eeecdc7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/131.png
diff --git a/old/14767-h/images/132.png b/old/14767-h/images/132.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3081999
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767-h/images/132.png
diff --git a/old/14767.txt b/old/14767.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..59b449d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2006 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol. 152,
+February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol. 152, February 21st, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14767]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+February 21st, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the way in which
+certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, and he decided to read
+them a lesson they would not soon forget. So he left America.
+
+       ***
+
+Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only two shots were
+fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last week.
+
+       ***
+
+The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in the despatches
+from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. Bronchial subjects who have
+been confining themselves to black currant lozenges on patriotic grounds
+will welcome the news.
+
+       ***
+
+The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that owners of garments
+"bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will not be permitted to replace
+them, and the demand among the elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured
+waistcoats is said to have already reached unprecedented figures.
+
+       ***
+
+"On the Western front," says _The Cologne Gazette_, "the British are
+defeated." Some complaints are being made by the Germans on the spot
+because they have not yet been officially notified of the fact.
+
+       ***
+
+A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice to a colleague
+in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be on the look-out for the
+rice, intends to defeat their hopes by substituting confetti.
+
+       ***
+
+By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of rice at
+weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is
+useless.
+
+       ***
+
+"The British," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "what are they? They are
+snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, snuffling, vain-glorious
+wallowers in misery...." It is thought likely that the _Berliner Tageblatt_
+is vexed with us.
+
+       ***
+
+Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, will not attend.
+It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that the punishment is no more
+severe than the House deserves.
+
+       ***
+
+A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber sufficient extension
+to carry out a large repair job he had in hand. This has caused some
+consternation among those who imagined that the War would end this year.
+
+       ***
+
+Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as extravagant by a
+lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own household we hardly eat any
+bread at all. We practically live on toast."
+
+       ***
+
+An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs now arriving are
+nearly all brown and resemble those laid in this country by the Cochin
+China fowl. This, however, is not the only graceful concession to British
+prejudice, for the eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so
+popular in these islands.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: PRO PATRIA.]
+
+       ***
+
+An _Evening News_ correspondent states that at one restaurant last week a
+man consumed "a large portion of beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts,
+two big platefuls of bread, apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of
+pats of butter and a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have
+ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the band was
+playing it.
+
+       ***
+
+A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one "Food Hog" had for
+luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire
+pudding, two vegetables and a roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course
+the busy City man's substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon
+nap.
+
+       ***
+
+There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for those who are
+willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of quantities of one ton or over
+should also bring their own paper and string.
+
+       ***
+
+One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is reported to have
+been seen in the Eastern counties during the recent cold spell. In answer
+to a telephonic inquiry on the matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological
+Gardens, was heard to murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."
+
+       ***
+
+A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying smoking
+materials into a munitions factory, explained in defence that no locker had
+been assigned to him. The Bench thereupon placed one at his disposal for a
+period of one month.
+
+       ***
+
+On the Somme, says _The Times_, the New Zealand Pioneers, consisting of
+Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under
+German fire. The really thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted
+the sympathy of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single
+exception of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our
+vast Imperial possessions.
+
+       ***
+
+The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not be lowered for
+women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of inquiries as to whether
+"language" is a compulsory or an alternative subject.
+
+       ***
+
+"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them with the skin,"
+says the writer of a recently published letter on "Sparrows as Food." He
+forgets the very considerable economy which can be achieved by having them
+baked in their jackets.
+
+       ***
+
+We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every artisan dwelling.
+Only last week we were pained by a photograph in a weekly paper showing
+somebody reduced to taking his tub in the icy Serpentine.
+
+       ***
+
+Motto for Housekeepers:--
+
+    "WEIGH IT AND SEE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATIONAL SERVICE.
+
+  War has taught the truth that shines
+  Through the poet's noble lines:--
+  "Common are to either sex
+  _Artifex_ and _opifex_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.
+
+  Doubtless you feel that such a fight
+    Would be a huge _reclame_ for Hundom;
+  That Earth would stagger at the sight
+    Of _Gulielmus contra Mundum;_
+      That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,
+  Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.
+
+  ('Tis true you have Allies who share
+    The toll you levy for the shambles,
+  Yet, judging by the frills you wear
+    In this your most forlorn of gambles,
+      One might suppose you stood alone
+  In solitary splendour all your own.)
+
+  And if the game against you goes,
+    As seems, I take it, fairly certain,
+  The Hero, felled by countless foes,
+    Should make a rather useful curtain;
+      You could with honour cry for grace,
+  Having preserved the thing you call your face.
+
+  I shouldn't count too much on that.
+    The globe is patient, slow and pensive,
+  But has a way of crushing flat
+    The objects which it finds offensive;
+      And when it's done with you, my brave,
+  I doubt if you will have a face to save.
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOST LEADER.
+
+    "Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd
+    George."--_The Saturday Westminster Gazette._
+
+We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and our contemporary
+has performed a genuine service in recording this pathetic incident, which
+seems to have escaped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father lived to
+    be nearly a centurion."--_Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle._
+
+Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.
+
+    FLIGHT COMDRS.--Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to retain his temp.
+    tank whilst so empld."--_The Times._
+
+We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT SPEED, in case
+the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now being exhibited, should call
+for a second edition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2-1/2 lb. of meat, and 3/4 lb. of
+    sugar--these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week, and
+    in a household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of bread
+    and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar."--_Weekly Scotsman._
+
+We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who has the trick
+of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, buying for
+    Government."--_Local Paper._
+
+This may account for the statement in another journal that "the new
+Administration is going through teething troubles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an exhibition of
+original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake of Australia at 155, New
+Bond Street, beginning on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of
+Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne _Punch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD._)
+
+_The President._ Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. GERARD. I am afraid
+you have had a long and uncomfortable journey.
+
+_Mr. Gerard._ Don't say a word about that, Mr. President. It's all in the
+day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense pleasure to be back in one's own
+country.
+
+_The President._ Yes, I can well believe that. Living amongst Germans at
+this time can be no satisfaction to an American citizen.
+
+_Mr. G._ No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a truer word than that
+in your life. The fact is the Germans have all gone mad with self-esteem,
+and are convinced that every criticism of their actions must have its
+foundations in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that,
+in spite of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has been
+an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer it continues the
+worse their position becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them
+grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and reasonable
+intercourse with them becomes impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not
+pleasant people to live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be
+away from them.
+
+_The President._ And as to their submarine warfare, do they realise that we
+shall hold them to what they have promised, and that if they persist in
+their policy of murder there must be war between them and us?
+
+_Mr. G._ The certainty that you mean what you say has but little effect on
+them. They argue in this way: Germany is in difficulties; the submarine
+weapon is the only one that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use
+that weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on
+behalf of international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count in
+the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look upon
+the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore, with humanity and,
+incidentally, with America and all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed
+to follow her lead.
+
+_The President._ So you think patience, moderation and reasonable argument
+are all useless?
+
+_Mr. G._ See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter stands. They
+imagine they can ruin England with their submarines--they 're probably
+wrong, but that's their notion--but if they give way to America this
+illegitimate weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer
+that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe as yet that
+America means what she says and is determined to fight rather than suffer
+these outrages to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in your
+eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine atrocities.
+
+_The President._ The Germans will soon be undeceived. We will not suffer
+this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, in order to prevent it. God
+knows we have striven to keep the peace through months and years of racking
+anxiety. If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that
+reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to avoid
+it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though they may clash with
+German ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and to give way
+even by an inch would be to dishonour our country and to show ourselves
+unworthy of the freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the
+sword. That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters
+with such power of judgment as God has given me.
+
+_Mr. G._ And to that every true American will say Amen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WAR-SAVINGS.
+
+SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO
+SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."
+
+FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE MY HEAD."
+
+SULTAN. "SAME HERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOME DEFENCE.
+
+"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"
+
+"PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-INSECT-PEST-
+EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LVI.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--The weather is very seasonable for the time of year, is
+it not? A nice nip in the air, as you might say; thoroughly healthy for
+those at liberty to enjoy it _al fresco_. I assure you the opportunity is
+not being wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the
+time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed to be the
+exact moment to slip over to England and help keep the home fires burning.
+
+Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I got there an
+officer, who appeared to be looking for something, asked me what my rank
+was. In peace times I should have loved a little unexpected sympathy like
+this; as a soldier, quite an old soldier now, I dislike people who take an
+interest in me, especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him
+very much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were sealed. His
+curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he was, he said, a man from
+whom it was impossible to keep a secret. He still wished to know what my
+rank was. I said it all depended which of them he was referring to, since
+there are three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom
+one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a plain civilian
+mister. Should we leave it at that, and let bygones be bygones? He was
+meditating his answer, when I asked him if he realised how close he was
+standing to the edge of the quay, and when he turned round and looked I
+also turned round and went....
+
+The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was either too young
+or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat
+didn't need to ask him what his rank was; he recognized at a glance just
+the very type of officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow
+to the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and men
+proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow spent the best
+part of his days on the other side trying to get rid of his party. I have
+not been two years in France without discovering that you simply cannot be
+too careful when you are attempting to get out of it.
+
+When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself changed. I was no
+longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my uniform in a public
+restaurant, without any reserve. In consequence they'd only let me eat
+three-and-sixpence worth for my first meal. This time I was not so clever,
+it appeared, as I thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a
+civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got less, and so
+it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that I fell in for home. If
+I'd known I should have kept my waterproof on for luncheon.
+
+Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be separated from our own
+by a High Sea all these months and years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply
+ain't fair. In my case there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a
+son amongst sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing
+good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool who thinks all
+his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I should be the very first to
+notice and call attention to it. But he has not; dispassionately and from
+an entirely detached and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is
+about him an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different level
+from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half teeth I'm thinking
+of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and badly managed hairs which
+wander about at the back of his bald head and give him the look of a
+dissipated monk. It is just his intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in
+everything about him. Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout
+heart and an unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights
+those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt turn of
+speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer and a gentleman
+that he _is_ unique.
+
+Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many pleasant hours to be
+spent in discussing with my son the things which matter, I put on all my
+waterproofs, gave the porter a twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook
+for a shilling, even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for
+a franc, and hastened home.
+
+The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been long in the
+company of my wife before I discovered that Another had come between us. I
+had not been long with my son before I discovered who that Other was.... I
+determined to have it out with him at once. Feeling that the situation was
+one for tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at a
+disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with his infamy. I
+addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I told him I was well aware of
+his personal charm, but in this instance I was bound to comment
+unfavourably on the use he had made of it. The very last thing I had
+expected of him was that at, or indeed before, the early age of one he
+would be stealing the affections of another man's wife.
+
+He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even embarrassed by his
+immediate environment. In fact he turned it to his own advantage, for his
+hairs, duly watered and soaped down on to his cranium, lost their rakish
+look and gave him the appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great
+intellect and no little financial stability. As between one man and
+another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion, gave me to
+understand, with a jovial smile, that such little incidents must always be
+expected as long as humanity remains human, and repudiated all personal
+responsibility in this instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it
+was the woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and his
+only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly to repel her
+advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at the attitude he adopted;
+it consisted in putting his foot in one half of his mouth and breathing
+stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started making eyes at
+the nurse I was too shocked to stay any longer.
+
+Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the next morning
+for my revenge. As the trustee of his future wealth I had him in my power.
+Stepping across to the nearest bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in
+his name and passed it all on to the Government, then and there, to be
+spent, _inter alia_, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to his face
+that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made? He merely called for a
+drink.
+
+However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to France I seized
+the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and there took back from the
+Government for my own sole and absolute use some of those very pounds my
+son had borrowed from the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my
+wife, whom I had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all
+the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my son's
+money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The only result of my
+efforts therefore was to land me in a financial transaction so complicated
+that I cannot even follow it myself.
+
+Yours ever,
+
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shocked Sister_. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A SECOND
+HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."
+
+[_Bobby, like a true Briton, desists._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
+
+(SECOND SERIES.)
+
+XX.
+
+MILLWALL.
+
+  I leaned on the Mill-Wall
+    Looking at the water,
+  I leaned on the Mill-Wall
+    And saw the Nis's Daughter.
+
+  I saw the Nis's Daughter
+    Playing with her ball,
+  She tossed it and tossed it
+    Against the Mill-Wall.
+
+  I saw the Nis's Goodwife
+    Busy making lace
+  With her silver bobbins
+    In the Mill-Race.
+
+  Then I saw the old Nis,
+    His hair to his heel,
+  Combing out the tangles
+    On the Mill-Wheel.
+
+  The Miller came behind me
+    And gave my ear a clout--
+  "Get on with your business,
+    You good-for-nothing lout!"
+
+XXI.
+
+CORNHILL.
+
+  The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The seed of the Corn is sown;
+  When the seed is sown on the Cornhill
+    My love will ask for his own.
+
+  The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The blade of the Corn is shown;
+  When the blade is shown on the Cornhill
+    I'll promise my love his own.
+
+  The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The ear of the Corn is grown;
+  When the ear is grown on the Cornhill
+    My love shall have his own.
+
+  The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
+    The sheaf of the Corn is mown;
+  When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill
+    My love will leave his own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF OUR OPTIMISTS.
+
+    "WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state
+    price."--_Manchester Guardian_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the Council of
+    Empire after the party had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd
+    course."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
+
+Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to grant
+    sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular
+    personnel."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
+
+II.
+
+Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than
+me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in
+the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the
+little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence.
+Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and
+their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down
+with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
+lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it
+were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's
+that we had a better time in store.
+
+"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the
+billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle
+'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If
+'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I
+says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."
+
+"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready
+and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her
+could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth
+before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw
+on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get
+used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a
+draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."
+
+It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to
+toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_
+thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered
+terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
+you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you
+direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters,
+and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."
+
+Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs.
+Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a
+doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in
+the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew.
+I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at
+present, he was feelin' a little easier.
+
+She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out
+beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she
+said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for
+yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow
+to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
+fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to
+light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it
+ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."
+
+We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it
+made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day
+for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em.
+
+One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if
+she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me
+better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she
+said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew
+on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you
+learn 'ow to do it the better."
+
+We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but
+when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a
+clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and
+a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."
+
+When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but
+she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over
+there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the
+rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be
+without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be
+sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more."
+
+It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs.
+Larkins's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be
+    content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from
+    all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is
+    asked for is the sacrifice of anaesthetic requirements, in view of
+    national need."--_East Anglian Daily Times_.
+
+If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and
+we must insist on an anaesthetic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+          THE BOOMING OF BOOKS.
+
+          _COMFORT AND JOY'S_
+       New Books for the Million.
+
+   ARROLL BAGSBY'S NEW GIGANTIC NOVEL,
+      THE SAINT WITH THE SWIVEL EYE.
+                  6/-
+
+A deliciously vivid book, about an utterly
+adorable Countess, her four husbands and her
+ultimate conversion to Tolstoianism. Please
+write for scenario, with Author's portrait in
+hygienic costume and sandals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+       MESSALINA D'URFEY'S NEW ROMANCE,
+              FAREWELL, VIRTUE.
+                    6/-
+
+Lovers of _In Quest of Crime_ will not fail to be
+enraptured by this superb vindication of antinomian
+            self-expression.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_By the Author of_ "_The Little Oilcan_,"
+        MEDITATIONS ON A DUSTBIN.
+            BY JIMBO JONES.
+
+First Enormous Edition exhausted. Order of
+             any Dustman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+        THE BOOK OF THE HOUR.
+          THE LUSCIOUS LIFE,
+          BY ALEXANDER TRIPE
+     (Author of "The 'Ammy Knife").
+_The Novel which was banned in Dahomey!_
+
+"Verax," in _The Daily Lyre_, says, "This is
+a colossally cerebral book. By the side of
+Tripe, Balzac is a bungling beginner and Zola
+a finicking dilettante."
+
+_The Manxman_ says: "A wonderful panorama
+of the life of a decadent Abyssinian Prince;
+with full details of his wardrobe, his taste in
+liqueurs, his emotions and dissipations....
+Simply must be read by anyone who wishes
+to be 'in it.' It is a liberal education in the
+luscious."
+
+Mr. John Pougher writes in _Saturn_:--
+"Tripe is the most nourishing author I know.
+To adapt Dickens's famous phrase, there is a
+juiciness in his work which would enchant a
+scavenger."
+
+2/- _net or three copies for_ 5/- _and four_
+     (_with 1 lb. of sugar_) _for_ 6/-
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+             GENERAL LITERATURE.
+                  --------
+            WAS MILTON A MORMON?
+              BY FLAMMA BELL.
+    A book for polygamists of all ages.
+
+1/- _net, or_ 1/9 _with 1 lb. of margarine_.
+
+             LIFE WITHOUT SOAP.
+           BY DR. BLACKWELL GRIMES.
+
+How to be happy though unwashed. National
+           thrift in a nutshell.
+
+_With portrait of the Author in black-and-white_.
+                1/- _net._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+         INTIMATE INTERIORS SERIES.
+                  --------
+           IN A PANTRY AT POTSDAM
+
+(_With Preface by the Man who ate Sauerkraut
+             with HINDENBURG_).
+
+             IN TINO'S BOOTROOM.
+
+           IN A SCULLERY AT SOFIA.
+
+           IN A SERVANTS' HALL AT
+                 BUDA-PESTH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Neutral Waiter_. "I SHALL NEVAIR ONDERSTAND ZIS LANGUAGE.
+ZAT OFFICER--I SAY TO HIM, 'GOOT MORNING, 'OW ARE YOU?' 'E SAY, 'DAM 'ONGRY
+AND FED OP'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
+
+    [The management of _The Times_, of which the price was raised on Monday
+    to twopence, is anxious, in view of the paper famine, to restore the
+    old custom by which this journal was subscribed for jointly or loaned,
+    whether gratuitously or by newsagents at one penny a perusal. Having
+    "determined to restrict the sale and encourage the circulation of each
+    copy in several houses daily, the managers will not hesitate, as a last
+    resort, to increase the selling price to sevenpence per copy."]
+
+_From_ "_The Evening Uproar_."
+
+BATTLE IN THE WEST-END.
+
+Piccadilly Circus was the scene of an appalling fracas this afternoon.
+Shortly after two o'clock a quietly-dressed middle-aged man, at present
+unidentified, was observed stealing cautiously from the Tube station with a
+thick wad of Treasury notes in one hand and _a copy of "The Times" in the
+other!_ The sight of this latter seems to have sent several passers-by
+completely mad. The wretched stranger was instantly set upon, his journal
+torn from his hand and his limbs very severely mauled. The Treasury notes,
+unremarked in the fearful _melee_, fell into the mud and were devoured by a
+passing Pekinese. Those now in possession of the priceless document were in
+turn set upon by others, until all Piccadilly Circus became a battlefield.
+The deplorable behaviour of motor-bus and taxicab drivers added greatly to
+the carnage, for these men, rendered frantic by the thought of the loot
+within their reach, repeatedly drove their vehicles into the seething mass
+of humanity in their efforts to acquire this unthinkable treasure. No
+official estimate of the casualties is yet to hand.
+
+_Stop Press_.--Reason to believe unknown archdeacon got away West with part
+of sheet of "Finance and Commerce." Police, specials, military and
+fire-brigade now in pursuit.
+
+_From the Press generally_.
+
+AMAZING GIFT TO CHARITY.
+
+At Gristie's to-day there will be put up for auction an unread and unsoiled
+copy of yesterday's _Times_. The donor of this superb gift desires to
+remain anonymous, but his incredible generosity is expected to benefit
+charity to the extent of several thousand pounds.
+
+_From_ "_The New Britain_."
+
+SOMETHING LIKE PATRIOTISM.
+
+A sterling example of patriotism has just come to the notice of the Rag and
+Bones Controller. A copy of _The Times_ (including the Uruguay Supplement
+of 94 pages), issued four months ago, was purchased, under permit of the R.
+and B. Controller, by Baron Goldenschein, who read it from the top of col.
+1, page 1, to the foot of col. 6, page 108. The entire household then read
+from col. 1, page 1, to col. 6, page 108. Baron Goldenschein tells us that
+his cook with difficulty could be persuaded to tear herself away from the
+Uruguay Supplement. All the tenants on the estate--some eighty souls--then
+enjoyed the paper, each tenant in turn posting it to relatives in various
+parts of the United Kingdom. At the end of three months it is estimated
+that over one thousand persons had read this copy of _The Times_. The Baron
+also informs us that each post brings him a fragment of the paper from
+remote parts of the country. When sufficient fragments have been collected
+and pasted together the whole will be despatched to those residents in the
+Isle of Man who have never heard of _The Times_.
+
+_From_ "_The Wiggleswick Weekly_":--
+
+IMPORTANT NOTICE.
+
+From Monday next the price of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ (with which is
+incorporated _The Bindleton Advertiser_ and _The Swashborough Gazette_)
+will be 17_s._ 6_d._ per copy. If this--the forty-seventh--increase in
+price does not bring about the desired reduction in circulation we shall
+unhesitatingly advance the price to L1 9_s._ 5-3/4_d._ per copy. The
+management of _The Wiggleswick Weekly_ is determined, at no matter what
+sacrifice, to limit the circulation to forty copies weekly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an ecclesiastical magazine:--
+
+    "The Vicar of ---- has promised to address our branch of the C.E.M.S.
+    as soon as he can arrange a fine and moonlight evening."
+
+We should be greatly obliged if the reverend gentleman would let us have
+the prescription. There should be money in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor's Wife_. "SO GLAD TO SEE YOU OUT AGAIN. THE DOCTOR
+AND I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D BEEN SO ILL TILL WE CAME TO MAKE UP THE BOOKS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOME MORE BAD WORDS.
+
+  In a recent verse adventure
+    I compiled "a little list"
+  Of the verbs deserving censure,
+   Verbs that "never would be missed";
+  Now, to flatter the fastidious,
+    Suffer me the work to crown
+  With three epithets--all hideous--
+    And one noisome noun.
+
+  First, to add to the recital
+    Of the words that gall and irk,
+  Is the old offender "vital,"
+    Done to death by overwork;
+  Only a prolonged embargo
+    On its use by Press and pen
+  Can recall this kind of _argot_
+    Back to life again.
+
+  I, in days not very distant,
+    Though the memory gives me pain,
+  From the awful word "insistent"
+    Did not utterly refrain;
+  Once it promised to refresh us,
+    Seemed to be alert enough;
+  Now I loathe it, laboured, precious--
+    Merely verbal fluff.
+
+  Thirdly, in the sheets that daily
+    Cater for our vulgar needs,
+  There's a word that figures gaily
+    In reviewers' friendly screeds,
+  Who declare a book's "arresting,"
+    Mostly, it must be confessed,
+  Meaning just the problem-questing
+    Which deserves arrest.
+
+  Last and vilest of this bad band
+    Is that noun of gruesome sound,
+  "Uplift," which the clan of _Chadband_
+    Hold in reverence profound;
+  Used for a dynamic function
+    'Tis a word devoid of guile,
+  Only as connoting unction
+    It excites my bile.
+
+  _Why, fastidious poetaster,
+    Waste your energy and breath
+  Like a petulant schoolmaster
+    Only doing words to death?
+  Needlessly you slate and scourge us;
+    War, that sifts and tries and tests,
+  May be safely left to purge us
+    Of these verbal pests._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+England, February, 1917.--"The great loan land."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST THROW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, February 12th_.--Question-time, which towards the end of last
+Session was extended by a quarter-of-an-hour, to-day reverted to its old
+limits. Consideration for overworked officials was assigned as the reason,
+but I think the House as a whole was rather relieved at the disappearance
+of what was often a _triste quart d'heure_. One can easily have a surfeit
+of the piquant humours of Mr. GINNELL, Mr. KING and the rest of the _Rosa
+Dartles_ of the House.
+
+The new Administration received some useful support from an unexpected
+quarter. Mr. MCKENNA, a little disturbed, perhaps, by the discovery that he
+had been a trifle of 350 millions out in his Budget estimate of the cost of
+the War, was fain to rebuke the Government for proposing two big Votes of
+Credit on one day. This unprecedented demand, he insisted, must have some
+dark purpose behind it. Were the Government contemplating a General
+Election? Mr. BONAR LAW quietly reminded him that exactly the same thing
+had been done this time last year when Mr. MCKENNA himself was at the
+Exchequer.
+
+"Luff, boy, luff," whispered Mr. ASQUITH to his discomfited lieutenant, who
+thereupon went off on another tack and proceeded to express doubts as to
+the wisdom of over-sea expeditions. But his course was again unfortunate.
+"Why did you go to Salonika?" interjected a voice from below the Gangway.
+As Major GODFREY COLLINS afterwards observed, neither the House nor the
+country will stand much criticism of the new Government by members of the
+old one.
+
+_Tuesday, February 13th_.--Lord BERESFORD, in latter days heard with
+difficulty in the House of Commons, has found his voice again in the ampler
+air of the Gilded Chamber. His speech this afternoon on the submarine peril
+and how to defeat it might have wakened the echoes in the Admiralty at the
+far end of Whitehall. It evoked an admirable reply from Lord LYTTON, who,
+though not exactly a typical British tar in appearance, has evidently
+absorbed a full measure of the sea-spirit. Necessarily reticent as to the
+exact nature of the steps that are being taken to deal with the
+sea-highwaymen, he made the comforting announcement that already we had
+achieved very considerable success. This was endorsed by Lord CURZON, who
+revealed the interesting fact that he too is now a member of the Board of
+Admiralty, and was able to state that, after two years of "frightfulness,"
+the British mercantile marine was only a small fraction below its tonnage
+at the commencement.
+
+The British revolution goes on apace. The Game Laws, over which so many
+Parliamentary battles have been fought, were swept away in a moment this
+afternoon when Captain BATHURST announced in his usual level tones that
+British farmers would in future be allowed to destroy pheasants with as
+little compunction as if they were rabbits, and with no regard to the
+sacredness of close-time.
+
+After this momentous announcement, which transforms (subject to the opinion
+of the law-officers) every tenant-farmer into a pheasant-proprietor,
+Members took a little time to recover their breath. But some of them were
+soon hard at work again heckling the Government over the multiplication of
+new departments and secretariats. Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL, whose reverence for
+the Constitution (save in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds,
+could hardly contain his fury at the setting up of a War Cabinet--"a body
+utterly unknown to the law"--and the inclusion therein of Ministers without
+portfolios but with salaries.
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT PUSH. CONGESTION ON THE TREASURY BENCH.]
+
+He received a certain amount of rather gingerly support from Mr. RUNCIMAN
+and Mr. SAMUEL, who had evidently not forgotten what happened to Mr.
+MCKENNA yesterday. Mr. SAMUEL was a distinguished Member of a Government
+under which both the Ministry and the bureaucracy were swollen in
+peace-time to unprecedented size; but that did not prevent him from
+complaining that under the present _regime_ the Administration had been
+further magnified until, if all its members, including Under-Secretaries,
+were present, they would fill not one but three Treasury Benches. Already
+it is a much-congested district at Question-time and is the daily scene of
+a Great Push.
+
+If underlying these criticisms there was a hope that they would draw the
+PRIME MINISTER from the seclusion of his private room, it was doomed to
+disappointment. Mr. BONAR LAW, asserting his position as Leader of the
+House, and not, as some people seemed to imagine, the PRIME MINISTER'S
+deputy, made a spirited defence of the new Ministerial arrangements as
+being essential for the conduct of the War, and challenged his opponents,
+if they wanted to make sure of the PRIME MINISTER'S presence, to move a
+Vote of Censure.
+
+At Question-time Mr. LAW had instructed the House how to discover the
+emblems on the new Treasury Note--the rose, the thistle, the shamrock and
+the daffodil (this last for Wales). On the Treasury Bench the daffodil is
+rarely to be descried; but the thistle is in full bloom all the time.
+
+_Wednesday, February 14th_.--To-day the Vice-Chamberlain of the Household
+bore a message from the KING in reply to the Address. The House on these
+occasions is apt to be less interested in the message than in the
+messenger, and watches eagerly to see if he will trip in his backward march
+from the Chair, or forget one of the customary three bows. The present
+holder of the office does his work so featly and with such obvious
+enjoyment as to give a new significance to the phrase ... "With nods and
+BECKS and wreathed smiles."
+
+Most of us only remember the late King THEBAW of Burma as a bloodthirsty
+and dissipated despot. It has been reserved for Sir JOHN REES to find a
+redeeming feature in his character. Among all his crimes, he never, it
+seems, prohibited the consumption of drink in his realm, though I fancy
+that his own efforts in that line considerably reduced the amount available
+for his subjects. Implored by the hon. Member not to turn Burma into a
+"dry" State, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN would say nothing more than that he declined
+(very properly) to take THEBAW as his model.
+
+No Leader of the House, perhaps, since Sir STAFFORD NORTHCOTE'S time has
+occupied a more difficult position than Mr. BONAR LAW. But he is daily
+becoming more at home in the saddle, and can even venture upon a joke or
+two. Mr. PRINGLE opposed the suspension of the Eleven-o'clock Rule on the
+ground, _inter alia_, that "he only wanted to get away." "That," said Mr.
+LAW suavely, "is a result which can easily be attained," and the House,
+which is getting a little weary of Mr. PRINGLE'S frequent and acidulated
+interposition, noted his discomfiture with approving cheers.
+
+_Thursday, February 15th_.--Lord CURZON, in a happy phrase, described the
+late Duke of NORFOLK as "diffident about powers which were in excess of the
+ordinary." Is not that true of the British race as a whole? Only now, under
+the stress of a long-drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and
+strength of its latent forces.
+
+There are, of course, exceptions to this rule--strong men who are fully
+conscious of their strength. Lord MIDLETON, for example, who sought a
+comprehensive return of all the buildings commandeered and staffs employed
+by the multifarious new Ministries, and was told that to provide it would
+put too great a strain on officials fully engaged on work essential to
+winning the War, promptly replied that if the Government would give him
+access to their books he would draw up a return in a couple of days. Either
+the evil has been greatly exaggerated or Lord MIDLETON is a
+super-statistician for whose services another hotel or two ought to be
+immediately secured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_. "I DON'T THINK MUCH OF THAT CORPORAL, SERGEANT."
+
+_Sergeant_. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR; HE'S IN FOR A COMMISSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Black billy, 11 months, dam good milker; 10s."--_The Bazaar_.
+
+It's no use swearing; we simply don't believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This week three crows had landed at Cardiff who had been sunk by
+    submarines twice, and in some cases three times."--_Manchester
+    Guardian._
+
+If only they had stayed in the crow's-nest this might not have happened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Matrimony.--Gentleman coming into means desires to correspond with
+    Lady having means; this is genuine."--_Scotch Paper_.
+
+But suppose she won't have him; would he be "coming into means" then?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.
+
+What are a rational nation's national rations?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Outwardly, this has been a week devoted both at home and abroad to
+    preparation for the campaign in the spring. Actually, a great deal of
+    water has passed under the Thames."--_Liverpool Paper._
+
+Something seems to have gone wrong with the Thames tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of Mr. BONAR LAW'S speech at Liverpool:--
+
+    "When the War was over there would be parties again. (A voice, 'I hope
+    not.') Yes, there would be parties--no free country with free
+    institutions was ever without them--but he did not think they would be
+    quite the sane parties."--_The Times_.
+
+But were they ever?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A telegram from Budapest ... announces that the newspaper 'A Nap' has
+    been suppressed by the Hungarian Government for publishing an article
+    the contents of which were considered to be dangerous to the interests
+    of the war campaign."--_Westminster Gazette_.
+
+We are sorry to hear this. We used to take "A Nap" pretty regularly of an
+evening, and must now forgo this simple luxury.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Giles_. "THAT BEANT NO MANNER O' USE TO THE LIKES O' WE,
+MEASTER."
+
+_Farmer_. "WHAT'S WRONG WI' THE BEER? AIN'T THERE ENOUGH 'OPS FOR YOU?"
+
+_Giles_. "'OPS? THE ONLY 'OP THAT'S EVER 'AD WERE OUT O' THE BLOOMIN'
+WELL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF DETACHMENT.
+
+(_Being a letter from a cloistered lady visiting London to her sister in
+the Shires._)
+
+My dear Ruth,--Beginning at the beginning, let me tell you that you must at
+once go to the station to inquire how it is that they forced me to pay
+thirty shillings for my ticket, instead of one pound. Although the price
+one pound is printed on the ticket, I couldn't get it until I had paid ten
+shillings extra. There was no time to get a proper explanation, so I want
+you to do so. Very likely it is sheer blackmail by that man in the
+booking-office, whom I never cared for. You had better see the
+station-master about it.
+
+The next thing I want to tell you is that most of our ideas of London are
+wrong. You remember how we used to be told about its wonderful lighting at
+night, and the comfort of its hotels, and the bright shops, and the crowds
+of taxis, and so on. Well, this isn't true at all. So far from being
+well-lighted, I assure you that our few little streets and market square
+are a blaze compared with this city. Some streets here are absolutely dark,
+and even in the great thoroughfares there is so little light that crossing
+the road is most perilous. The thing could be put right in a moment if they
+would only see to it that the lamps were cleaned; I looked closely at
+several of them and I could see exactly what was wrong--a coat of grimy
+stuff has accumulated on the glass. Now to get this off would be quite
+easy, but it does not seem to have occurred to anyone to do it. I suppose
+that London is very badly managed; and here again I think the advantage
+lies with us, for I am certain that our District Council would never allow
+such a state of things. Probably the LORD MAYOR is lazy.
+
+The funny thing is that there is plenty of good light, only they don't know
+how to apply it. Every night, directly it begins to be dark, great streams
+of light are turned on from all parts of the city; but would you believe
+it, they are directed, not downwards so that they could illumine the
+street, but upwards into the empty sky! If the Chairman of our District
+Council could see this, how he would laugh! I wish you would tell him.
+
+Then there is coal. I went, as we arranged, first to the Jerusalem Hotel,
+but it was like ice. When I asked the hotel people why the central heating
+was not on, they said that there is no coal. At least it seems that there
+is coal, but no one to deliver it. Just think of our coal-merchant
+returning such a reply to us when the cellar was getting empty. But in
+London they seem to be ready to put up with any excuse. Why the men who
+ought to deliver the coals are not made to, I can't imagine. Anyhow, as I
+was freezing, I moved into lodgings, where there is coal, although an
+exorbitant price is asked for each scuttle.
+
+The great topic of conversation everywhere has been some new speculation
+called the War Loan, and I have to confess that as it is so well spoken of
+and is to pay the large dividend of 5-1/4 per cent. I have arranged to invest
+something for each of us in it. I don't know who the promoter--a Mr. BONAR
+LAW--is, but it would be awful for us if he turned out to be a JABEZ
+BALFOUR in disguise. Still, nearly all investment is a gamble, and we can
+only hope for the best. He must have some peculiar position or the papers
+would not support his venture as they do; and there is even a campaign of
+public speakers through the country, I am told, taking his prospectus as
+their text and literally imploring the people to invest. Quite like the
+South Sea Bubble we read of in MACAULAY; but please Heaven it won't turn
+out to be another.
+
+I asked the landlady here about it, but she knew nothing, except that her
+family could not afford to put anything in. "But your daughters earn very
+good money," I said. "That's true," she replied, "but all that they have
+over after their clothes, poor girls, they spend on the theatre or the
+pictures; and I'm glad to think they can do so. I wouldn't grudge them
+their pleasures, not I."
+
+Judging by the crowded state of all the myriad places of entertainment in
+this city there are millions who are like them. But I couldn't help
+thinking that if so much money seems really to be needed, and this Mr. LAW
+is really a public benefactor, it might not be a bad idea to try to divert
+some of the thousands of pounds being paid every day in London alone for
+sheer amusement. Of course if England had the misfortune to be at war most
+of these places would naturally be shut up.
+
+By the way, Germans are strangely unpopular in London just now. I have
+heard numbers of people, all in different places, such as the Tube and
+omni-buses and tea-shops, using very strong terms about them. It has been
+quite a series of coincidences.
+
+No more for the present from
+
+Your affectionate
+
+LOUISA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW, BOBBY, BE A GOOD BOY AND COME AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS."
+
+"I DON'T WANT TO."
+
+"BUT YOU MUST, BOBBY. COME ALONG AT ONCE."
+
+"ALL RIGHT, THEN. I SHALL PRAY FOR THE GERMANS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONGS OF FOOD PRODUCTION.
+
+III.
+
+  Tub-swill, tub-swill! _have_ you any tub-swill?
+    I will send my footman to fetch it, if I may;
+  For I'm hoping _all_ the restaurants and all the nicest clubs will
+    Give me broken victuals, if I send for them each day;
+        In the Park, in Piccadilly,
+          Down at Ascot, in the Shires,
+        We've been up in terms like "filly,"
+          "Dams" and "sires,"
+          "Smooths" and "wires;"
+        Now it's "gilts" and it's "boars"
+        And it's "suckers" and it's "stores"--
+          The terms that one acquires
+        Now we're keeping pigs to pay.
+
+  Hog-wash, hog-wash! _are_ you selling hog-wash
+    In a pretty bottle with a nice pneumatic spray?
+  Nevermore in perfume shall a useless little dog wash;
+    In my heart and boudoir precious piggy's holding sway.
+        Oh, indeed, it's _worse_ than silly
+          If a person now admires
+        An inedible young filly,
+          Dams and sires,
+          Smooths and wires;
+        For in gilts and in boars
+        And in suckers and in stores
+          Proper keenness one acquires
+        Now we're keeping pigs to pay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Berlin telegram says that the Kaiser has created the Austrian
+    Emperor a Field-Marshal.
+
+    The material damage done was insignificant."--_Glasgow Evening Times_.
+
+But the moral effect was tremendous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "More Food.--Wanted, Partner, either sex, to increase stock open-air
+    pig-farm."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+An opening for one of the Food Hogs we read so much about.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OXFORD REVISITED.
+
+  Last week, a prey to military duty,
+    I turned my lagging footsteps to the West;
+  I have a natural taste for scenic beauty,
+    And all my pent emotions may be guessed
+      To find myself again
+    At Didcot, loathliest junction of the plain.
+
+  But all things come unto the patient waiter,
+    "Behold!" I cried, "in yon contiguous blue
+  Beetle the antique spires of Alma Mater
+    Almost exactly as they used to do
+      In 1898,
+    When I became an undergraduate.
+
+  "O joys whereto I went as to a bridal,
+    With Youth's fair aureole clustering on a brow
+  That no amount of culture (herpecidal)
+    Will coax the semblance of a crop from now,
+      Once more I make ye mine;
+    There is a train that leaves at half-past nine.
+
+  "In a rude land where life among the boys is
+    One long glad round of cards and coffin juice,
+  And any sort of intellectual poise is
+    The constant butt of well-expressed abuse,
+      And it is no disgrace
+    To put a table-knife inside one's face,
+
+  "I have remembered picnics on the Isis,
+    Bonfires and bumps and BOFFIN'S cakes and tea,
+  Nor ever dreamed a European crisis
+    Would make a British soldier out of me--
+      The mute inglorious kind
+    That push the beastly war on from behind.
+
+  "But here I am" (I mused) "and quad and cloister
+    Are beckoning to me with the old allure;
+  The lovely world of Youth shall be mine oyster
+    Which I for one-and-ninepence can secure,
+      Reaching on Memory's wing
+    Parnassus' groves and Wisdom's fabled spring."
+
+  But oh, the facts! How doomed to disillusion
+    The dreams that cheat the mind's responsive eye!
+  Where are the undergrads in gay profusion
+    Whose waistcoats made melodious the High,
+      All the _jeunesse doree_
+    That shed the glamour of an elder day?
+
+  Can this be Oxford? And is that my college
+    That vomits khaki through its sacred gate?
+  Are those the schools where once I aired my knowledge
+    Where nurses pass and ambulances wait?
+      Ah! sick ones, pale of face,
+    I too have suffered tortures in that place!
+
+  In Tom his quad the Bloods no longer flourish;
+    Balliol is bare of all but mild Hindoos;
+  The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish
+    Are in the trenches giving Fritz the Blues,
+      And many a stout D.D.
+    Is digging trenches with the V.T.C.
+
+  Why press the search when every hallowed close is
+    Cluttered with youthful soldiers forming fours;
+  While the drum stutters and the bugler blows his
+    Loud summons, and the hoarse bull-sergeant roars,
+      While almost out of view
+    The thrumming biplane cleaves the astonished blue?
+
+  It is a sight to stir the pulse of poet,
+    These splendid youths with zeal and courage fired,
+  But as for Private Me, M.A.--why, blow it!
+    The very sight of soldiers makes me tired;
+      Learning--detached, apart--
+    I sought, not War's reverberating art.
+
+  Yain search! But see! One ancient institution
+    Still doing business at the same old stand;
+  'Tis Messrs. Barclay's Bank, or I'm a Proossian,
+    That erst dispensed my slender cash-in-hand;
+      I'll borrow of their pelf
+    And buy some War Loan to console myself.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT INVESTMENT.
+
+I am a fair man, even to Huns. When Germany pays an indemnity of
+L2,000,000,000 I think we might knock off a tenner or so because the KAISER
+has done so much to beautify our banks. Once they were cold cheerless
+places. A suspicion of an overdraft always swept through them. Now I love
+to go to the bank and see the beautiful blonde and brown and auburn heads
+bent over the ledgers. If I could be quite certain that they were not
+looking up the details of my account I should be perfectly happy.
+
+Somebody told me that I could buy War Loan at 5-1/4 per cent. by borrowing
+money from my bank at five per cent. This seemed to be the kind of
+investment I had been looking for. I found that if I took a million on
+those terms I should draw a net income of L2,500 a year. But I am a
+patriot. It seemed to me that L2,500 a year was rather more than I was
+worth to the nation. Was I better value than six M.P.'s? Of course I might
+be worth six RAMSAY MACDONALDS. However I resolved to avoid greed and ask
+for a simple hundred thousand.
+
+So I went to my bank and said to a blue-eyed, Watteau type of beauty, "I
+want to see the manager, please. Concerning an important investment in War
+Loan," I added hastily, fearing lest the damsel should conclude that I
+wanted an ordinary overdraft.
+
+I was ushered into the manager's private room.
+
+"About this War Loan," I began. "I understand that you advance money at
+five per cent. to make the purchase."
+
+"Yes, that is so," said the manager, beaming.
+
+I leapt for joy. I had thought that there must be a catch somewhere.
+
+"Put me down for a hundred thousand," I said.
+
+The manager nearly fell out of his swing-chair. "My dear Sir," he gasped,
+"have you any prospect of being able to save a hundred thousand during the
+next year or so?"
+
+"Am I a milk-dealer or a munition-worker?" I replied. "I should be both
+surprised and gratified if I saved that sum in a year. Still I might do it,
+you know. I should have to give up tobacco, of course. Or suppose relations
+hitherto unknown to me died and left me handsome legacies. You are always
+seeing these things in the papers. 'Baker Inherits Half-Million From Lost
+Australian Uncle.'"
+
+"A hundred," amended the manager. "Shall we say a hundred? You need not pay
+a deposit. I'll give you a form."
+
+"Where's your patriotism?" I demanded. "A hundred, you say? Well, I decline
+your overdraft. Keep your ill-gotten much-grudged gain. I'll pay cash."
+
+I left the bank sadly. I had thought of intimating to the blonde, brown and
+auburn beauties that I had just put a hundred thousand in War Loan. I had
+imagined their eyes gleaming at the spectacle of one-tenth of a
+millionaire.
+
+And now I can't go to the bank again. At least not till I have worked up my
+balance a little above its present total, namely L2 _1s. 9d._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Instructor_ (_to very nervous lady, who, with a view to
+war-work, is inquiring about tuition_). "OF COURSE YOU WOULD BEGIN ON A
+LOW-POWERED CAR, AND THEN WE SHOULD TAKE YOU IN A 40--50, AND FINISH YOU
+OFF IN TRAFFIC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)
+
+_If Wishes were Horses_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is one of the most engaging
+novels that I have met for some time. The matter of it, perhaps, is nothing
+very new: a story of expanding fortunes and contracting sympathies. But the
+writer, Countess BARCYNSKA, has, before all else, the inestimable gift of
+making you believe in her people. All the characters are vigorously alive.
+The result is that one follows with quite unusual interest the chequered
+career of her central figure, _Martin Leffley_, from his introduction as a
+frankly unpleasant youth, very red about the ears, "which was where he
+always blushed," to the final glimpse of him, titled, an M.P., and,
+incidentally, a bowed and better man, purified by the wonderful devotion of
+_Rose_, the wife whom throughout the tale he has bullied and undervalued.
+Nor is _Rose_ herself, with her unwavering belief in her clay idol, a less
+memorable figure. Of the others, my chief affection went to _Aunt Polly_,
+the kindly dealer in old clothes, who imagined the Savile to be a night
+club. But, as I say, the whole cast is astonishingly real. Only once did I
+fear for the story, when it seemed as though the machinations of a
+super-villainous M.P. were about to lead it astray into the paths of
+melodrama. But the danger proved to be brief, and the unexpected beauty and
+dignity of the closing chapter would have redeemed a more serious lapse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Forced to Fight_ (HEINEMANN) is the record of a Schleswig Dane set forth
+by ERICH ERICHSEN and very capably translated from the Danish by INGEBORG
+LUND. It is a book that with a singular skill and with a passion that never
+gets out of hand so as to convey the impression of hysterical exaggeration
+lays bare the heart of a youth who was at the storming of Liege, fought in
+Flanders, then on the Russian Front and again in the Argonne, whence a
+shattered elbow sent him home broken and _aged_--that is what his
+chronicler emphasises--not by the wound, but by the long horror and fatigue
+of the successive campaigns. The poignancy of his sufferings lay in the
+fact that as a Dane he went without any of the great hopes and passions
+that inspired his German comrades, of whom however he speaks with no
+ill-will. He took part by order in some of the "punishments" of Belgian
+villages, loathing the savage cruelties of them and deeply convinced that
+the rape of Belgium was an inexpiable wrong which the world will remember
+to the lasting dishonour of the German name. You get an impression of the
+added horror of this War for the imaginative temperamental, and some
+pathetic pictures of all the suffering among simple innocent machine-driven
+people on the other side, who had no will to war and no illusions as to the
+splendour of world-dominion--a vision of desolate homes and countrysides
+empty of all but very old men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The first lines of _Still Life_ (CONSTABLE), which begins in "the night
+train from the German frontier to Paris," gave me much the same impression
+of impossibility (was there ever such a train?) that I should have felt
+about a story that opened in the moon. But the shock of this was nothing to
+some, different in character, that were to follow. Frankly, I confess that
+Mr. MIDDLETON MURRY'S book has me baffled. Others perhaps may admire the
+pains lavished by the author in analysing the emotions of a group of
+characters whose temperaments certainly give him every opportunity for this
+exercise. An impressionist, and impressionable, youth, whom I have
+(reluctantly) to call hero, intrigues his unpleasant way through the plot;
+first in Paris--where you may make a shrewd guess at his
+pre-occupations--then in an English village, to which he has eloped with
+the wife of a friend; in France again, and so on. The emotions to which
+these amorous adventures expose him are handled by the author with a care
+that suggests rather the naughtiness of the antique nineties than anything
+belonging to these more vigorous days. I am far from suggesting that, as a
+study in super-sensibility, the book lacks skill. There are indeed scenes
+of almost painful cleverness. My complaint is that it is out of date, or (I
+should perhaps better say) conspicuously out of harmony with the present
+time. But if you hanker for these pictures of the past that is another
+matter. I will merely issue a warning that you should preserve this book on
+some shelf not too accessible by those who are still young enough to
+overestimate its importance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was an odd experience to turn, as I did, directly from the new Haymarket
+play, of which the late TOM GALLON was part author, to what I suppose was
+the last story he ever wrote, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ (MILLS AND
+BOON), which begins in a theatre with the heroine watching a play. It
+begins, moreover, very well and excitingly; much better, I regret to add,
+than it goes on. When the heroine arrived home from the theatre, the girl
+whose companion she was, pleading fatigue, persuaded her to go out again to
+a masked ball, wearing the dress and indeed assuming the personality of her
+mistress. The two girls, _Ruth_, the heroine, and _Damia_, lived in a
+gloomy house with old _Mr. Verinder_, who was _Damia's_ guardian. But when
+_Ruth_ returned from the ball she found that this arrangement no longer
+held good, _Verinder_ having been melodramatically stabbed during her
+absence. And as no one knew, or would ever believe, that it was _Damia_ and
+not herself who had remained at home you recognise a very pretty gambit of
+intrigue. Unfortunately, as I said above, the tension is not quite
+sustained, partly because the characters all behave in an increasingly
+foolish and improbable fashion (even for tales of this genre); partly
+because there is never sufficient uncertainty as to who it was (not, of
+course, _Damia_) who really killed _Verinder_. Still, of its kind, as the
+sort of shocker that used to be valued at a shilling, but appears, like
+everything else, to have risen in price, _The Lady in the Black Mask_ is
+fairly up to the average. I fancy her profits might have been greater
+before the discouragement of railway travelling. That is precisely the
+environment for which she is best fitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the series of "Chap" books which is emerging from The Bodley Head I have
+no doubt that _Canada Chaps_ will be welcome. I hope, however, that Mrs.
+SIME will not mind my saying that the best of her tales are those which
+have more to do with Canada than its "chaps." Her stories of fighting and
+of fighters seem to me to have a note in them that does not ring quite
+true. It is just the difference between the soldier telling his own artless
+and rugged tale and someone else telling it for him with a touch of
+artifice. But when the author merely uses the War as her background she
+writes with real power. The straining for effect vanishes, and so little do
+the later stories resemble the earlier that I should not have guessed that
+they were written by the same hand. "Citoyenne Michelle" and "The King's
+Gift," for instance, are true gems, and they are offered to you at the
+price of paste. Nowhere will you find a better bargain for your shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HELEN MACKAY, in _A Journal of Small Things_ (MELROSE), sets before us
+with, it might seem, almost too deliberate simplicity of idiom little
+scenes and remembered reflections of her days in France since the July of
+the terrible year. An American to whom France has come to be her adopted
+and most tenderly loved foster-country, she tells of little things, chiefly
+sad little things, seen in the hospitals she served or by the wayside or in
+the houses of the simple and the great, shadowed alike by the all-embracing
+desolation of the War. The writer has a singular power of selecting the
+significant details of an incident, and a delicate sensitiveness to beauty
+and to suffering which gives distinction to this charming book. Less happy
+perhaps and much less in the picture are the episodes learnt only at second
+hand and suggesting the technique and unreality of the imagined short
+story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PRICELESS PLUMBER--AN INCIDENT OF LAST WEEK'S THAW.
+
+_Troubled Householder (writing)._ "THERE IS A SLIGHT LEAKAGE IN ONE OF OUR
+WATER-PIPES. KINDLY PUT MY NAME DOWN AS A HUMBLE CANDIDATE FOR YOUR
+ESTEEMED SERVICES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+From a paragraph about Mr. JOHN BUCHAN:--
+
+    "It is said that he writes his novels as a cure for insomnia."--_News
+    of the World._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CENSOR ABROAD.
+
+    "When the High Court is sitting, the Resident Magistrate's Court is
+    held in a room about upteen feet long by about upteen feet
+    wide."--_East African Standard._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CURES STOMACH TROUBLE OR MONEY BACK."--_Advt. in South African Paper._
+
+This "Money Back" seems a new disease.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article in the _Berliner Tageblatt_ descriptive of life on the
+Western Front:--
+
+    "Perhaps the sun will soon bring warm wind, and how glad one would be
+    of a thaw in the trenches. But then the accursed time will come again
+    when the whole surface of Northern France sticks to the boot of the
+    German soldier."--_The Times._
+
+Our brave police must look to their laurels.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari,  Vol.
+152, February 21st, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14767.txt or 14767.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14767/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/14767.zip b/old/14767.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25ae7b0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14767.zip